# Feeling jealous but not sure its normal!!



## Sam1971

Hi Ladies
Not sure that these feeling I am having are normal 

Its nearly 2 years since my last IVF traetment which was my 4th failed  attempt  and I have been muddling through since that day .

To cut a long story short my Dh doesn't want to have anymore treatment and the adoption route is not something we will be doing either(he has a son from a previous marriage). I would consider both options but thats not possible with how dh feels(I don't want him to sound like a bad person as he loves me dearly and I don't want to be without him either) so  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother and that just breaks my heart .

As all of you on here can relate to each day can be a battle with the situations and comments we face but I have in the last few months started to feel really jealous of the relationship between my sil and one of my close friends  and i hate that feeling of being on the outside looking in.

My sil and I have always been really close and we do quite alot of things with them and their children and stay over at each others houses etc (they live about an hour away from us).My friend is a friend through my husband and hers but we are all quite close and go out/ get together with them quite alot and its a really nice relationship too . We organise quite a few parties/ get togethers and always include all of them. The 6 of us have been out quite a few times togerther too over the last couple of years and all get on really well. 

But I now feel like they have this whole friendship that doesn't need to include me/us and I am feeling so left out and jealous 

A few weeks ago they were in the area where my sil lives and had my friends husbands little girl with them and my sil invited them to stay as a bit of a spur of the moment thing (his daughetr gets on quite well with my niece). I was expecting that they would invite us too but they didnt and I felt so left out and jealous . my Dh thought I was overeacting and told me not to say anything so I didnt. Kind of got past that only to find out last weekend that they had all been talking of going on holiday together (my niece told me) and I just felt sick!! we were heading up to my sil for the day and she knew something was wrong as i'm not good at hiding it and i did tell her how Iwas feeling.She said that my friends husband had spoken to my DH about it but that we couldnt go this year as we had too much on which is true but i didnt want them to go without us either She did talk to me and tell me how inportant i was to them and i did feel a little better then and it turns out they are not going now anyway.

The problem now is that I cant stop thinking about them all arranging things that dont include us(maybe not intentionally but if we have something else on)and its making me paranoid to the point that any free weekends we have i want to arrange things with them so that they don't do things without us 

I know all this will be linked to the emotional rollercoaster we are all on and the fact we are on the outside looking in of the one club we all want to be part of  but i can't go on like this as i don't think its normal? Is it? I am sure my sil and freind would not do this intentionally to hurt me but the way i'm feeling doesn't feel rational at all 

Has anybody else experienced any feelings or thoughts like this?

Sorry for the massive rant but once I started I couldn't stop!!

Thank you
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Flotsam

Yes, Sam i have had this feeling before and still get it at times. I used to get it much more and now it has been 6 years of trying i have kind of got used to it. I realise now that they are not doing it to get at me but just don't always think. Just wanted to send you a big   and tell you that you are NOT alone in this.

I think it might be worthwhile to be honest with your friends about how it makes you feel. Do they know about your txs?

take care sweetie

Floss


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## eggtastic

Hiya

I wanted to give you a   and let you know that at times I have thought that some of our friends probably meet up without me knowing because they have kids... and I do feel left out.  It is natural to feel insecure and inadequate about this, I think anyway.  It is probably because we feel left out and upset by the fact that we  cannot join in as we do not 'qualify'.

I think as time has gone on I realise that it is natural that people with kids will socialise with others with kids... its a bit like if you don't have kids, you would not necessarily want to go on holiday with people with their kids ... does that make sense...  

I think being a bit depressed and feeling low can make us think irrationally.  But I do think it is probably because you feel insecure and are acting this way because you are panicking that your are loosing your friendship... 

I do understand how you  feel, and unfortunately, it will take time to get out of feeling that way.  But eventually, it will get easier.  I do think that ultimately as couples that do not have kids, we will always be a little left out.  This is extremely upsetting.  But I personally try to accept the fact that this is the case.  Ofcourse it does upset me, but thinking about it .  but accepting this fact helps me to try and sweep these feelings to one side.  At the end of the day I feel that a lot of people envy our time that we have alone together as a couple... its just another thing that we have to deal with though on top of all of the IF we have had to go through.  Its not fair... hope you come to terms with things


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## Sam1971

Hi Ladies

I just wanted to say thankyou for taking the time to read and respond.

Floss - I think i may have to have a proper talk to them if it keeps happening as the trouble is if i don't it will affect the way i am with them when they do get together. they do both know about the txs so i guess they will understand . I guess i'm just scared that if they don't they will be different with me from then on.

Eggtastic - I think you are right that i'm sure over the coming years there will be quite a few things we will be overlooked for because of us not having children. I think the thing that makes this worse for me is that it is family and our friends (and we introduced  them )that are making me feel this way.I know i have to find a way of dealing with this so that it doesn't ruin my relationship with either on but its so hard not to get really upset 

Thats the other thing too. I need to make more time for me and dh as i think i am neglecting him too because of this at the minute.

Thank you both again for your advice . It is much appreciated and i hope you are both okay.

Take care
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## tribble

Hi I think it is totally normal to feel jealous when people all with kids are getting together - I absolutely hate it. My devil's advocate bit says that actually I'd rather they got together & did their friends with kids thing without me there cos I definitely wouldn't attend if it was lots of families & me the only one with children. I face this scenario alot as you can imagine, and the only time I can do it is with really really good friends where I know their kids well too. Even with my DH there, he is a parent already so it really is just me in certain groups. Horrible. If the conversation turns to obsess about kiddy things I will make an excuse or go to the loo and have a break. 
A recent meal with friends who I had not seen for a while involved a conversation about a few different women they knew who had a nice set of 3 children but had accidentally got pregnant with a 4th; and now the husband had to have a vasectomy. Who are all these ridiculously fertile people who obviously never attended the condom on the banana classes at school  ? 

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just say - change the subject now cos I don't want to hear one more word about these women - but I don't. 

Sam, I think it is cos it does bring out feelings of jealousy & envy about them having the babies & us not; that any other normal human jealousy amongst friends gets magnified & is more hurtful.

I hope you can maintain a relationship with them all as it does sound like they love you
take care xx


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## Sunset

Hi Everyone
Sam - I'm glad you started this topic. Thank you. I find this difficult to cope with. I've been very friendly with a group of girls for many years (more than I'd like to admit!!). I am now the only one without children. They meet up to go to the park, swimming, birthday parties etc etc. This hurts me - and yes I'm jealous. I feel left-out. I feel q childish saying that...why would they invite me?! 
I don't have children. Their children are never going to want to play with my children. I feel excluded. Their lives are going along very similar paths - they are at another stage in their lives. 
I'm never ever going to experience motherhood. I feel that my friendships with these girls are disintegrating, which is sad after all these years, but the truth is we have less and less in common. They view me as the one who can have a lie-in/goes on holidays/has a tidy house etc etc. Lucky me!!
I'm happy for my friends and I wouldn't have it any other way for them.  I want to keep these friendships....but as time moves on I can't see that happening , which is sad.
S xo


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## eggtastic

I'd like to add that, sometimes people try to make you feel better by saying, just live your life to the full, enjoy your life,  ...its hard having kids etc...

That really annoys me.  I mean do they really think that they are making things better by saying these things... 

Once a friend asked me, sometimes I don't know what to say, so I said, sometimes its best not to say anything  

I know this may sound harsh, but some people NEED to be told... and it did actually work


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## Sam1971

Hi Ladies

I hope you are all hanging in there  .

Well i'm not sure i'm feeling any better about the whole situation with our family and friends .

We all went away together the 6 adults and i have to say me and dh felt like the odd ones out quite a bit of the time . really felt for my dh as he is very sociable and funny and not quiet at all but dh's brother and dh's friend were acting at times like dh wasn't even there . I was so angry at times as i could see my dh just getting quieter and withdrawing which really isn't him at all.It was horrible. This consequently had an effect on how i was behaving and i wished at times we had never gone away  We had a massive row about stuff at one point which i won't go into but i thought we had all smoothed things over but i'm now now not so sure.We did have some good times too but i have come back feeling like things will never be the same between the 6 of us again and thats probably to do with the way we are feeling with them more than how they feel about us.
Just feel really let down by them all  
Just found out now too that our 2 friends are staying at bil and sil's house this saturday night as my sil told me on the phone the other night . Then proceeded to ask what we were doing and i said we hadn't got anything on but she didn't extend the invite to us too and i just don't get it .I feel so left out again and i really feel like our relationship as a family is slipping and i used to consider my sil  my best friend but the way she is being i am really feeling quite distanced from her . I just know if i was in her situation and knew all i had been through and on top of that my insecurities about their friendship and how it made me feel i would be inviting us too?.. Fair enough if we couldn't go thats a different matter?..Am i just acting completely mental  
Its just really adding to all my stress at the minute of feeling like i don't belong or fit anywhere 

Sorry for the rant. Just needed to put down how i was feeling.

Love and   to you all

Sam xxxxxxx


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## Debs

Oh Sam   

Some people just dont get it im afraid   

I know with some of my friends they have dithered over asking me about going to social events as the children will be there and didnt know whether they were doing right in asking me or not.  To be honest as each day was different they could have asked me on the wednesday and I would have said yes but if they asked me on the thursday I would have been gutted at their insensitvity   

I think maybe if you have a heart to heart with sil you can tell her exactly how you are feeling and that you feel excluded on top of everything else your feeling then at least you know you have told her as it is and hope that she understands where you are coming from and acts accordingly.

Your like me - if the boot was on the other foot id be making sure they were included but people are people and what can I say   

I hope you manage to get things sorted hun.

Love


debs xxx


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## Sam1971

Hi Debs

Thankyou   

You are so right with feeling different from one day to the next.

I think i will probably end up having a heart to heart with her but i am scared a little as shes not quite as sensitive as me and might think i'm overeacting but i need to do whats right for me and i guess if i don't tell her i'm not giving her the chance .. I think i just expected more of her but as dh says not everyone is the same as me which i guess is true(fortunately for them  as well sometimes )

God its all just so traumatic and painful isn't it!!.. I hate the fact that i will never feel the same about anything again 

How are you Feeling?

Much Love
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Sam1971

Hi Ladies

Hope you are all okay 

Well i never did have that heart to heart with my sil  . Mainly because after we came back from out time away with them dh and i agreed we needed some space from them as a 6 and said we would try to work on our friendships as a 4 so either us and bil and sil or us and out 2 friends.

It has worked and although we have had the odd social gathering with all of us i have kind of felt more secure and like our relationships are back on track..... The female friend and i did have a bit of a heart to heart at a concert we all went to. She felt i was distancing myself which i probably was at the time and couldn't understand why. I explained how i was feeling and she reassured me that DH and i were very important to them and there had only been a couple of occasions where they had visited bil/sil without us and that they had been invited and it wasn't their place to invite us up to someone else's house(which i totally agree with!) and that we were 2 of the most important people in their lives.So that was reassuring.

Haven't seen quite so much of bil and sil due to the distance(in miles) between us but have had a couple of get togethers (nieces birthday and last bank holiday) and they are due to come to us next bank holiday for the 3 days....so all was feeling better on that front....

Then bam!!...had a text last night from 2 of our other friends who quite often get together with the 6 of us(our friends again as we introduced them)...we were trying to organise a night for the 4 of us to do something and she came back with a date in September and said sorry couldn't do any earlier and to blame bil and sil for one weekend being taken up as they were going to them .....

Am so   and   again.... and i can't stop thinking about it now!!...I just don't understand why they keep doing this and thinking its okay to keep inviting our friends but not us also ....Am i being unreasonable??...I just know that i wouldn't do that because i don't think its right....i just feel like we are being excluded and want to scream at them 'GET YOUR OWN FRIENDS'... or at least have the sensitivity to include us!!!....

I have enough emotional S*** to deal with anyway without all this adding to it!!...Should i talk to my sil...I just don't know what to do. Part of me feels she will be fine but another part is scared she will be funny with me and not get where i'm coming fromand feel like i'm telling her who she can and can't be friends with and invite to stay?....my bil will definitely not understand as he is not very understanding and he will just get defensive and angry as he always thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong... Or should i just ignore it and make mental note to self not to invite them when getting together with any of our other friends!!!!...I just keep thinking how would they feel if we had their friends over and didn't invite them ...Do i sound childish??...after all i am a 40 year old woman 


To top it all off i think i'm going to have to go back to work full time with dh losing his job because even if he gets one soon he will not be earning what he has and we could do with upping our income ...I have been offered a full time job that i'm just not excited about but its close to home so will be good for getting back to the pooch at lunchtime....but i don't feel right about it .....I don't mind going back to work full time but i just want it to be right....I just don't know at the minute what right is 

Really sorry for that long rant ....as usual i couldn't stop once i started 

Much love and   to you all
Sam x


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## Debs

Hi Sam,

 

It hard but I think its time you need to speak to sil and have that heart to heart.  If she doesnt know how you are feeling (and I really dont think she does   ) then tell  her but do it in a way so that you say its wonderful that you meet up with X&X however it would have been nice for you ALL to meet up.

Tell her you miss the group friendship you had and that you had a heart to heart with one of the girls and acknowledge you may have been distancing yourself however you want the group friendships back as you miss them.  If you are calm and explain rationally then she cant go off on one and fingers crossed she sees it from your side.

I guess ultimately you cant tell her who to invite over and who to not and you might just have to get used to the idea that they will see each other at times.  But if you think about it she has not said anything about you meeting up with others and not inviting them   (I know you introduced them but again if you were part of a group ...   )

Have that chat hun because without it I think this will just grate and grate on you and make you more upset.

With regards to work - why not temp for a while until something more up your street comes along.  I took a job once and I hated it and vowed never to put myself in that position again - I didnt realise how unhappy it was making me - so dont take the first one that comes along as something much better will come along.

 sam - let us know how you get on.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Sam1971

Hi Debs

I hope you are okay.

Thankyou for your response  . I know deep down that i do need to talk to her now as this is just going to bubble away under the surface if i don't . I just wish sometimes that i didn't let things upset me so much.As if we don't have enough to deal with eh 

I really don't know what to do re this job. Dh thinks i should try it and see . Thing is i need to let this girl know pretty quickly and i'm just so undecided.

Thank you again

Much love 
Sam x


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## Debs

Sam,

You could try it but keep looking in the meantime and if something better comes up ....  

Just sort one thing out at a time hun as what you have going on needs too much thinking time and it all gets jumbled (well it does with me when im trying to sort things out  ).

It will get better .......... I promise  

Love

Debs xxx


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