# My first time here, 5years + of infertility



## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

Hi everyone.

So I'm Kerry I'm 29 and from Hampshire. 

Been with my bf for 4 years, prior to this I was trying with an ex for 2. Unfortunately both my tubes were blocked. I had them unblocked but I believe it failed as I'm not pregnant 4 years later. I've since has a tube removed and I'm now waiting to be referred for Ivf by my local hospital.

After dealing with everything so far, now it's all hit me. I'm depressed and feel worthless. My doc has signed me off work and I'm awaiting my first therapy appt.  

I'm on the 6 month weight under bmi of 30 and because I was expecting to be referred back in October, but wasn't. I've fallen into a black hole. All weight is back on and I'm struggling with life. My 6month check is 4/02/16 and providing my bmi is below 30 again I will be referred to our nominated clinic however I'm on destruction mode at the mo.

I have the feeling that I'm all alone, no one understands and why is my bf even with me when I'm overweight and cannot give him the child he longs for.

Heartbreaking, someone please help me.😢😢😢😢


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## helly79 (Oct 10, 2014)

Hi, Kerry , don't be disheartened, I first started trying for a baby by fertility treatment back in 2011, but at the time my bmi was well over 30  it took me 3 years but I got there and I had icsi last year and I now am a proud mum off a baby boy. Now don't panic I was really over weight that's why it took me 3 years to get it off. While I was going through my treatment there was a girl at work who had ivf because her tubes were completely blocked and she has twin daughter's who turn 14 in January. Just keep going hun, I know it's hard, but don't give up you can still become a mum.xx


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## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

Ah bless u, thanks for replying. 
I know it'll happen one day, hopefully, but it just all takes soo long. What have I done in my life that is soo bladdy bad that so called 'God' is doing this to me!! Could've chosen a drug addict who has no money and no home yet they're fine they pop out kids left right and centre!!

So stressful, makes me want to get soo drunk forget my name and smoke a million ****!! My bf is also stressed cus I'm depressed so he's gone back to smoking. It's all a vicious circle for us. If I tell docs he's smoking they'll remove us from their books or delay even further but it's soo god damn stressful lol.

My god son is 10 next year, I first started not using anything before his mum was even pregnant... A quarter of my life and still nothing! 

How did u cope with everything? Xx


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## helly79 (Oct 10, 2014)

I felt exactly like you, but I did tell my doctor that I was depressed, it didn't delay my treatment, they put me on antidepressants, but if you go on them make sure they put you on one which is safe during pregnancy as not all are safe and the clinic will refused treat you on them. The one I am on and clinics will treat you while taking as my gp told me it's the one the give pregnant women to treat prenatal depression is amitriptyline. There is a thread on here about  taking anti depressant s while having treatment, but I'm not sure how to connect you too it, maybe on of the other ladies could send you a link. Don't be scared about telling your go. I felt alot better after the gave me the anti depressant s and sent me for counselling. Good luck.xx


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## helly79 (Oct 10, 2014)

There is a thread about antidepressant s on the ivf page, page2. Hope reading it helps.xx


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## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

I am already on them, fluexotine. Only a low dose though. I went back last Tuesday to increase them but she said she doesn't believe this will help me it'll just mask the issues and I'll still have my little breakdowns unless I talk to someone. They always get me to talk but I'm too scared. This time though, I've taken a number for italk and I've contacted them. My first telephone appt is 4/12. 

I do feel better talking about it all sometimes, just scary letting down ur guard xx


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## helly79 (Oct 10, 2014)

I've been suffering with depression since I was 16 which is 20 years now, which got worse when all my friend where having  children and I couldn't. My God daughter's are 9 & 6 years old. All my other friends children are around the same age. I could never talke to my friend about it because I was worried that I would  one across wrong and jealous. Which I supposed I was. My God daughter's broke my heart one day because they gave me a big hug and said you will always have us. But I never gave up. My best friend helped me and came to slimming world with me, eventually the weight came off and treatment started. I still suffer with depression & anxiety even now. If you need to talk just send me a private messages. I know how you feel. I found setting my sight on my end goal of having treatment and a baby, so every time I got depressed and wanted to comfort eat I would say to myself if I eat this it going to be even longer till I reach my goal, then if I really had to eat I would reachh for grapes instead. I know your probably feeling alone right now, but remember your not and each and every one of us on this forum have some sort of fertility problem and are here for you if you need to talk.xx


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## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

Ahh u made me cry. U know sometimes u just need to hear that u really aren't alone, it's a struggle but u will get through this.. Well that was what I needed to hear so thank you. 
My god sons are the same and I adore them but they aren't mine lol. 
Thank you xxxx


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## helly79 (Oct 10, 2014)

Your welcome hun. Keep me posted too how you get on. To be honest my god daughter's treat my son like there baby brother, its like he's not a only child.lol. Good luck you will get there.xx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Hi, Kerry, the good news (insofar as there is ever good news when facing infertility) is that tubal factor infertility is usually highly treatable through IVF, as there's a good chance that all your body needs is help getting sperm and egg together, which is exactly what IVF was originally invented to do. Also, compared to lots of us, you are YOUNG, which means that a much higher percentage of your eggs will be chromosomally normal than in someone who is 40+ (like me) -- this is hugely in your favour for success through IVF.

Can you get your BF to vape instead of smoke? It's much less hard on the body, and it won't be picked up by carbon monoxide tests if your NHS trust does those to weed out smokers. It's less unhealthy for you to be exposed to as well.

Also, please don't think that God or the universe or the deity of your choice is somehow punishing you for something bad that you've done. If there's one platitude I hate hearing offered to comfort people about infertility and pregnancy loss, it's "Everything happens for a reason", which in my opinion is absolute B.S. I love this blog post taking down the notion that all the terrible things that happen to people must be in service of some kind of higher purpose: http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason. Infertility brings a lot of grief and sadness into our lives, and those feelings are completely legitimate. I'd also suggest you look for a counselor who specialises in infertility; you can find these folks through the British Infertility Counseling Association (http://bica.net/). They will understand the unique stresses and sadness of infertility and the hard treatment choices we all have to make.

Good luck, hon.    I hope you feel a bit better soon.


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## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

Hi crazyhorse, thanks for your comments they're greatly appreciated. 

All my tests and bf are fine as far as I'm aware, the sperm just needs to meet the bladdy egg but it won't!! Apparently my tune I have left is ok so they left it in but I disagree . I had hydrosalpinges (toxic fluid in tubes) and I believe some is still present in the tube left  

I didn't realise that about the vapour ones / carbon monoxide.. We have been told there could be sporadic carbon monoxide tests and I've been going over and over in my mind how long it'll take to come out of his system. Assuming he stops in January, we hopefully should be ok for Feb (in case they do one then). I'm unsure how long CM takes to come out of your system tho- any ideas?? He also lays road surfacing, Tarmac, so a lot of fumes and I'm unsure if there is CM in that?!! 

I will check out the link u gave me for the counselling, defo think its needed

I have always been wary about talking about this to anyone but I'm actually starting to feel alot better  xx


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## Kerry2020 (Nov 12, 2015)

I spoke with a lady counsellor at princess Ann hospital where I'm a patient and I have my first counselling session on 1/12. Just talking over the phone she knew exactly why I am feeling low! Nearly made me cry, she had such a lovely motherly, soothing voice. Looking forward to starting these sessions so help me move on with my life.
Thanks for all of your comment and support ladies, greatly appreciated xxx


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## sandy22 (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi Kerry, I don't have much further to add, but just wanted to say that you're not alone and don't give up hope. Fertility issues can leave us feeling very lonely and depressed, especially when it's hard for family and friends to really understand what it entails and the toil it takes. You're still so young, so you'll have much higher chances of success with ivf than some of us who have fertility issues as well as old eggs    Do keep using this forum for support alongside counselling. Sending you a big   xx


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