# Bitter but happy....



## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Ladies

i just need somewhere to off load or i think i'll go nuts!!

Yet another friend has told us she's pregnant and its driving me potty... DP doesnt at all feel as gutted as me i feel so guilty for feeling like this as there all close friends but i cant help but think what about me!!  

DP says we must wait so we have enough money to really go for  TX and not have to stop after one or two attempts.. i know she's right but 18 months - 2yrs sounds like a life time when i've been waiting for ages already!! Also the other thing that really annoys me is all these friends are straight and fell pg naturally but all off them are planned, one lives at home with her parents still and has infact moved her fella in and taken her mums room and made her mum move into her box room!! 

We have a wonderful 2 bedroom house, work good jobs and a good family network but because were gay we have to wait until we have thousands in the bank to start TX!

DP keeps saying it will happe for us in 18 months time but im driving myself nuts thinking what if it takes yrs from then before i get our bundle of joy.... i had clamidia when i was 17   and had TX for it and i dont have it now but im worried it may have caused a blockage or something.. my periods are regular??

God just noticed how much i've rambled on sorry!!  

Em xx


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## annacameron (Dec 16, 2008)

when you say because you are gay you have to pay...is that the only reason? not age etc? if so, it's completely outrageous....

(having paid over 30,000 already with nothing to show for it, my Dh and i are pretty fed up!!)


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

yes as far as i know at the moment theres nothing wrong with me its just because we're gay and have to pay for all TX.

i feel bad now £30000 is so much money i really shouldnt be moaning.... im sorry if i've offended anyone with my spoilt brat rant  

wishing you and dh lots of   for the future!


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## annacameron (Dec 16, 2008)

no i think it's outrageous - try your MP?

i know plenty of fab gay couples who would love a baby and would be great parents. equally a few heterosexual ones who aren't so brilliant. 
so the gay discrimination thing is utter rubbish - tell them so!!


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

thanks Anna but i think its something loads of people before me have tried... i cant talk to my friends about this cause they just say get drunk and go sleep with a man   !!!  God i wish i could would be so much cheaper although knowing my luck i'd pick the only guy in the pub with a low sperm count or HIV!!


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## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

It does suck when just being gay is holding up your family... me and my partner are beginning to try now but people keep saying thing like well you need to make sure you are fully stable - maybe wait until you've saved up a bit more money... straight people aren't expected to wait for this kind of thing - we both earn good money and we aren't going to wait until we're millionaires! 

Things are a little easier for us as we have decided to go with eggsharing so some of the financial pressure for tx is taken off.

good luck..

xx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

em - 

you are still young in terms of your peak fertility years, but i guess as women on this board know that age doesnt gaurantee fertility.  why dont you think about having some of the tests done to see whether the clamidia has made any effect ... i think its the fallopian tubes can become scared is that right?  maybe your gp can help you with that.

there are definately some advantages to stop starting with the tx ... can give you a break to recover emotionally for example.  we had enough money for our 3 iuis but once we had tried that we would have had to save for any more ... but we were ok with that as having a few months off wouldnt necessarily be a bad thing.  we had breaks between our iui's anyway.

there is loads to research and find out about and there are definately things you can do already.  

have you started monitoring your cycles?  it can really help to have a good sense of what your cycles are up to.  i charted mine for 20 months before i got pregnant.  and 12 before we had our first appointment.

have you checked out all the different clinics?  we used london womens clinic but i think there are cheaper ones.

my dp didnt get upset or emotional for our ttc journey she was quietly confident it would happen at the right time.  i went bannanas on and off     i felt it was me who really engineered everything.  found the clinic, had all the tests, looked after the money, took the pills, booked the flights, monitored the ovulation etc.  it was a very different experience for both of us.

but honest to god i wouldnt have had her anyother way.  if she had been stressed as me it would have been a nightmare!

how many cycles of treatment does your dp think you should save for?
are you planning to have IUI or IVF?

we were advised to have three cycles and then up the ante in terms of medication etc.

aimeex


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Hi Em,

It does seem so unfair, doesn't it? There are a few things you could do while you're saving though, and maybe some ways to save money on treatment. 

- You could get your fertility checked out for free with your GP. You could say you're trying for a baby and are worried that having previously had chlamidia might have caused problems.

- I'm not sure where you live, but you might be able to get your treatment through an NHS hospital. You'd probably still have to pay for it, but treatment in NHS hospitals is MUCH cheaper than the same treatment in a private hospital. There are people on these boards who've done this in certain London boroughs and in other places too. Sometimes, it can be a long wait because of sperm shortages, but if you get your name on the waiting list now, you'll have saved up the money by the time it comes round.

- You can still buy and import sperm from abroad. I'm not sure which countries or how much it costs, but I think it might be cheaper.

- If you end up needing to use fertility drugs, if you have IVF for example, you can ask your clinic doctor to give the prescription to you and you can get it filled somewhere cheaper than the clinic supplier.

- You could try with a known donor, if that's something you and your partner would feel comfortable with.

I don't know if any of this helps, but stick around and keep asking questions. You'll get there in the end, even though waiting must be torture.

Good luck.

Minty
xxx


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

thanks for your replys ladies...

I think your right about going to see my GP to see if i can have some fertility checks even if i cant start now will put my mind at rest!

just started my charting as someone else on here said it would be a good idea im off ill with flu at the moment but will be heading to boots asap to get a Basel body temp kit to start me off.

Dp thinks i shouldnt bother charting or anything and we'll just start the tx in 18 months time i dont think she relises it not quite like our straight friends who just keep having sex until there pg!! i think she thinks there just gonna shot it up me and a miracle will happen  

we dont want a known donor and the whole importing from abroad looks very confusing... and i know the LWC has no waiting list for sperm so we know once we start tx that we wont have to hang around waiting.. i have no patience if you hadnt noticed   also the LWC when i've spoken to them seem to be totally comfortable with the fact we are a same sex couple where as some other clinics closer to home dont seem so comfortable.

DP looks after the money while i look after all the organising side of things it was the same with our civil partnership.....i think she wants to know we have about £10-£15k in the bank so we can try 3 natural IUI's and then look at medicated or other options.

Oh and dp is letting me join weight watchers tomorrow to help me shift the rest of my weight which will give me something else to focus on for a while


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

it kind of depends what youre like, im not sure how much charting my cycle helped me get pregnant in the end, as they scanned me to see when i ovulated anyway ... but it did give me something todo while i waited.  but charting your cycle will give you a clue as to whether you are ovulating or not.  which is an important start.

the thing is you might get pregnant first time ... and you just arent going to know. thats the hardest thing.  our pregnancy was relatively easy to achieve in retrospect and compared to lots of people but i found the whole process so emotional and time consuming.  for a good two years really!  im not sure there is any short cut for that.

i hope weight watchers gives you something to focus on.

but its sooo hard not getting too obsessed.  some may say impossible!     

thats seems like alot of money.  we had £5k which is what we spent on our 3 iuis and all our tests etc.


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

i've already told her £10-£15k is to much and that £5k will be enough to start but my wifey has some issues with money and is convienced thats how much we should have available  

Oh well i need to lose weight first and also we have a holiday booked for December this yr to new york which we need to enjoy first so that should be me entertained for a while until she'll let us actually start TX i guess i just need to be patient after all rome wasted built in a day!

how has your pregnancy been so far?


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

oh the pregnancy has been amazing so far (touch wood) i have been really lucky!  

when we had our bfp it was such an amazing feeling and all the stress slipped away!  

honestly honey, its going to be a long journey, but when you get your bfp it definately is worth it!!


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

And just think - if you get pg on your first try, you'll have an absolute fortune saved up to spend on baby stuff!


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

ha ha true we can but hope that one try wil do it!!!

im not bitter now glad i came on for a moan made me see that one day it will happen and 18 months is realy not that long as 18 months when we planned our civil partnership went so fast! plus while im waiting for my own   i get to hold and fuss over my friends


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

It isn't just gay couples that have to pay and are discriminated again I am single and not entitled to treatment despite now having fertility issues from my 1st cycle and m/c ERPC.  I have spent in excess of £50K on cycles and still going as I di think that I will get there 
L x


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## cazinge (Apr 11, 2008)

Em - I know how you feel, we have 2 (straight, married) friends who have both just announced they are expecting their 2nd & 3rd children respectively & we have 2 other straight, married friends who both had their 3rd babies about 3/4 months ago. It's really hard. Maybe we just have too many straight married friends?!?!  
I'm in a similar position to you in that although we have money saved, DW wants to wait until we have more and have moved house & although I know its sensible & she's right it doesn't make the waiting any easier, especially when you're surrounded by babies!!! 
I have bad days when I'm almost crying I want a baby so badly but I have good days when I've babysat my godsons (almost 6, 4 and 4months) and I think that fullfills my broodiness ever so slightly or just knackers me out so much I can't think about anything but sleep!!!  
Weightwatchers should give u something 2focus on, do u have a way of letting off steam? I live by the beach so I go for a long walk when I feeling  , I find the sea v calming!

 hope the waiting doesn't get to u too much Caz x x x x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Caz

im so glad im not the only one who has crying days cause i really want a baby!! DP has just gone out to see one of our friends who's just had a baby boy i was suppose to go but i cant cause i have a cold so no baby fix for me this week  

In your relationship do you think your the emotional one and DP is the sensible one??  it is with us DP is the level headed one and im the one who thinks with her heart  

i see your going to start tx june 2009 where you thinking of going? 

Em x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

i just read your previous posts with your wedding pics link had a nose very nice hun!! DP picked up our CP album today over 2 months after wedding took ages!! think i tried to add you on ** but may have tried to add your DW instead 

Add me on ** if you can find me im Emma Findlay you can never have to many friends 

oh heres the links to our album feel free to nose seen as i did yours i've lost the link for our online proper album but this is all the pics taken

http://www.chessphotography.co.uk/weddings.htm

click on one of the images, click civil partnerships and weddings select from drop down list *White E L*


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Your wedding photos are gorgeous congratulations- wishing you loads of luck with your TTC

L x


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

your wedding photos are really lovely!  congratulations!


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

thanks ladies


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## cazinge (Apr 11, 2008)

Your photos are gorgeous hun!! Really reminded me how much I loved our day! And cheered me up as am currently suffering with a bad cold & AF so v miserable & DW gone 2 work so am home alone   Yeah you did add my DW but she ignored you cuz she didn't know who you are sorry!! (she said it was prob sum1 looking 4 me!).
I'm definetly the emotional one in the relationship (I blame it on being water sign), whereas DW is v level-headed & if something's upsetting her she just goes in2 herself until sum1 (me, her mum or her sis) drags it out of her! 

We went 2 a friend's BodyShop Party last night & found out sum1 else we know is pg so that brings the total up2 5 (and we only live in a small town), I cried (well wailed!) when we got home and kept asking DW to tell me when it'll be our turn & she told me "well we're not ready yet"   but when I asked why she isn't upset about it she said "because I know it will b 1day!".  

I don't think it helped that we had rather an emotional day yesterday as DW met my dad for the 1st time (loooong story) & eventhough  it went v well I was over-emotional from that & pre-menstrual (not a good combination).

If we're still living where we live atm any clinic will be a drive so hoping to go to IVF Wales in Cardiff as it's where we'll be refferred to (unless we request somewhere else) and if by a miracle we do manage to get any NHS treatment it will have to be done there as its the only NHS clinic in Wales. They seem v reasonable price-wise and say on the website that they're happy to treat lesbians  
Do you know where you're thinking of going yet? Whereabouts do you live?

Sorry - v long post Caz x x x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

OH my god you guys sound just like us my DP says the same when i get upset.... thank god we are normal i was worried its just me lol  

Well i've made some progress with the ttc chats with DP she now wants to start ttc after we get back from new york which is this December!! Woo hoo!! Until then i've got weight watchers to concentrate on so that the clinic will do TX... seems to be ok so far!! Fingers crossed!

A bodyshop party thats where i found out about my last friends pregnancy.... weird! did you know they do a baby range now..

Oh hun glad it went well with the 1st meet.. i have a very small family (my mum, sister, niece and nephew) where as DP has a massive family and although all is great with them now it wasnt at first... cut a long story short DP wasnt out yet and didnt come out until we'd been living together for about 6 months... very differcult seen as she is so so close with her mum much more than i am with mine! 

We've looked at clinics and think we are going to use the LWC as they look really good and i've loads of positive feedback from other lesbians who have used them... and they dont have a waiting list for sperm... i want to know once i've had all my tests done etc we can just get on with it and not have to wait around for months! We live in portsmouth which is about as far south as you can get.. so going to the LWC will be a bit of travelling but im originally from london so will make my appointments into little shopping trips, threatre breaks or visiting mates! i know they have a few other clinics one is Cardiff, Darlington and Swansea.

Em x


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## cazinge (Apr 11, 2008)

That's super that your DW says you can start in Dec I found with our CP that once we had a date rather than an abstract "at some point in the future" it helped it seem nearer - hope now you've set a month it does the same for you with ttc.

Because IVF Wales are an NHS clinic they have a waiting list for sperm so we're going to GP for our refferral & to have all the tests in March after my bday (there is no way I'm giving up drinking b4 then!!!) which will be before we're "ready" so to speak and so we'll already be so far up the list by the time we're ready so we don't have to "wait" twice! I think we'll probbably be looking at dec/jan time before we're ready to start inseminating - presuming I've managed to get a full-time job once I've graduated (which of course isn't certain)
LWC does sound great & to be honest if it wasn't for the price we would've probably chosen them & they're definitely our 2nd choice should we not be happy with IVF Wales for any reason. 

I did see the baby stuff in the body shop range & I would've bought some for all the pg ppl we know if I could've been sure of not bursting into tears all over the place  

Have you bought any pg books yet? I've got Rachel Pepper's The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians and Stephanie Brill's The NEw Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy & Birth - they're both quite good despite being American & so some of the legal advice doesn't apply but I do like them. I found reading them helped it seem more "real" to me somehow & made me feel like I was doing something towards ttc, if that makes sense?!?!

Lots of Love Caz x x x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Yeah i know what you mean it was the same with our CP and i loved all the planning so it made the time fly!

We looked at a few other clinic's and didnt find the prices massively different so that why i think we'll go with the LWC... if it was going to save us thousands than we'd look at going to the local NHS consultant in portsmouth but his private fees arnt much cheaper!!

Im exactly the same with crying all over the place... we saw one of our pg friends in asda today she is due in march and i felt my eyes prick with tears as we walked away thinking why cant it be me... then i remember i hopefully wont have to wait forever and this time next year we should be n our way!

I havent book any books yet but i keep looking on amazon... think i'll get one to have a read of... i know what you mean about doing something towards ttc... im the same went to boots on friday and got a basel body tempreture kit to help moniter ovulating... more like to help keep me saine


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