# Help - considering adoption



## gracie76 (Nov 3, 2009)

Hi there

We really need some advice please.

I have just joined FF as we have infertility due to my PCOS. I have had 6 cycles of clomid now which have failed and we are now waiting for an appointment (4 months) where we will probably be refered for IVF.

We have obviously talked about all the options available to us, adoption being one of them. Over the past few months we have started to consider adoption as a real alternative.

We are now at the stage where we are wondering if we should even have IVF and go straight to adoption.

My hubby was happily adopted as a baby and some friends adopted 2 beautiful schildren a few years ago. I think all of these factors are contributing to our thoughts on the subject. We have seen first hand how adopted children are loved by their parents just as much as a birth child couldever be.

I am just wondering if anyone else has been through this. Surely its only natural that i should want to do everything I can to have my own child?

But I really don't think i am not that bothered. I want a child, but I have no burning desire to carry and give birth to one, the way lots of women do. I feel very maternal to friends and family children and I think that both of us could love an adopted child like our own.

Don't get me wrong - if i were to get a BFP it would be the happiest day of both of our lives. But I just wonder if its sensible going down the IVF route if we would happily adopt children.

Part of me also wonders if I am so scared of IVF failing that i see this as a better route.

Anyway, I am rambling a bit so will post but I just wondered if anone else has experienced feelings like this.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

Welcome to FF and to Adoption and Fostering  

I think at some stage we have all been where you are now, I certainly have.  We made our initial enquiry into adoption in 2000 but at that time although we wanted to adopt we felt we needed to try for our biological child first, so we did the IVF, ICSI etc etc, fast forward several years (and several thousand   ) and we applied to adopt in 2006 and as you can see I am now a Mummy  

I would not change my journey though as I am at peace with not having a biological child and I'm not sure I would feel like that had I not even tried. 

It is a decision only you and your partner can make - Good Luck  

Ps - I moved your post to the main A&F board as it will be seen more easily


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## gracie76 (Nov 3, 2009)

Thanks, those are words of wisdom.

I guess thats the decisio I need to make.

We have decided that we are not going to dicuss either adoption or IVF until after christmas. Then we will see where both of our heads are at.

Whatever path we go down, we are both 100% certain that we will have our own family one day.


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Gracie,

Trying to decide whether to adopt or to do IVF is not an easy decision to make and I'd suggest reading up on adoption and taking some time to see how you feel about it after Christmas. After a succession of failed treatments there's naturally a desire not to put yourself through the disappointment that goes with more treatment. 

We looked into adoption 3 years ago and thought this was definitely the route for us but that was partly due to thinking that we'd reached the end of the road with ttc. A post op chat with my consultant changed all of that when she said she was confident IVF would work for us so after a lot ot soul searching we decided we really needed to take her advice and try IVF. As you'll see from my signature block the IVF didn't work and we're now back on the adoption road. Although I'm sorry to be 3 years older and several thousand pounds out of pocket I'm still glad we tried IVF first as we can now be sure that we tried everything and move forward without regrets. 

When you're ready to move onto adoption I think you'll know. In the meantime take your time, gather information and talk things over with your DH. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. 

Good luck,

CG xxx


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, I felt like you as well although we have been extremely lucky and already had our own birth child but could not achieve a second child naturally.  We tried 2 lots of IVF and also clomid and IUI so we did not have the "if only we had tried more" in later life. Cost us £9K and took 3 years to pay off our debts.  Managed 3 miscarriages but no baby at the end of it.  Whereas through adoption we have a very active, healthy, lively, lovely little boy who is perfect in every way - but very hard work as all 2 year olds are.  He is gorgeous to look at and very bright but it took us 4.5 years from first enquiry to legally adopting him so adoption was no quick fix for us.  Best wishes


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## Good Vibrations (Apr 25, 2009)

Hi Ladies

Interesting posts!  Undergoing a second IVF attempt.  Considering adoption regardless of what happens?!

Do you go through an agency?  Suggestions?

Thank you

GV


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

gracie76 said:


> I am just wondering if anyone else has been through this. Surely its only natural that i should want to do everything I can to have my own child?
> 
> *But I really don't think i am not that bothered. I want a child, but I have no burning desire to carry and give birth to one, the way lots of women do. *I feel very maternal to friends and family children and I think that both of us could love an adopted child like our own.


me too. and believe me it's caused me some degree of pondering and head scratching over the years 

i too never felt 'broody' and don't yearn for a baby or to be pregnant. i often felt like this make me unmaternal or a monster, and maybe that's why whoever decides thought i didn't 'deserve' a baby. but my head tells me that's all a load of horlicks 

we have done IVF twice, once because tbh it was on the NHS and why not? and the second because our consultant was so encouraging which we now discover may have been a bit misleading. but i was always very pro adoption even before we started, we kind of got caught up on the roller coster of treatment, and seeing a spate of people it had worked first time for didn't excatly help us make the decision too objectively either

we are getting a second opinion on treatment as we've been told a third go would only have a 10% chance. and part of me secretly hopes they'll concur so we can put the treatment route to bed really. i just really want a family although adoption is no quick fix

have you had any more thoughts since xmas?


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## kittykat1234 (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi there Good Vinrations,



I have not been through any treatment to get pregnant so i have no experience of this but from what i do know from friends, what sw's have told me and on here, you will not be able to start the adoption process if you are undergoing IVF. You will have to wait between 6-12 months after your IVF (if IVF unsuccessful) depending on your LA/VA before you can start it. 

Regarding the agency question - you can either call your local authority LA or a voluntary agency near you. I have gone through Birmingham City Council's adoption team but i live in worcestershire which is about 30 miles away as Birmingham is bigger and have won awards for their service and work alongside worcester as wors is a small one so i thought B'ham would be the better option.

I never tried an agency so have no experience of what they are like but again from what i have been told and read etc this is the situation - LA's (your council or one near by) are the ones who have the children in care but can sometimes be slower in approving you where as the VA'S (vol agencies) may approve you quicker but cause they have to go through the LA'S trying to find a child for you this matching part can be slower.

Hope all this helps and good luck with it all xxx


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hiya,

I'm glad it's not just me that confuses myself about what I want    My head is all over the place and I go round in circles  

My lovely hubby and I are lucky to have had all our treatment so far on the NHS and still have two goes of IVF to go (all being well).  The more treatment I have that fails I keep wondering if I should give up and move on to adoption which we've always had in mind from the start.  I feel like time is passing me by and I just want us to be a family.  

I know I can't really give up the 2 free goes we have left but whatever happens I will be glad when the day comes I can move on from the treatment - if you know what I mean.  It's not that I wouldn't love a BFP - I'd be sooo excited and I do get so low when the treatment fails    but I can picture adopting more than I can picture being pregnant.

Lots of good wishes to you all, love Charlie


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