# My life seems to have stopped :-( Does anyone else feel like this?



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi, I'm sorry in advance for the 'woe is me post!'  I'm really struggling to keep it together at the moment and don't really know how to move forward!  We seem to have been on this heart breaking journey for a while, although I appreciate not as long as some of you other lovely ladies.  Our first ivf cycle resulted in an ectopic   and this second one was negative and I've found that I just seem to have stopped living during all of this and not sure how to keep going! I've longed for a baby for so long and the panic and worry as to whether this will happen ( ) has taken over my entire life! Do any of you feel the same?!

Although I used to be so close to so many lovely friends, I find that because they all have children, new babies or are pregnant, that I don't really fit in anymore.  I have spent the last 12 years being so excited for them all but since our loss I can't find the strength to be excited for them anymore so tend to just be friends now through calls or texts which I do feel bad about. I find it really hard going from having so many friends around me to now not really having any, although I realise this is my choice  . Just wish I could fit in either by having a baby or by not letting this rule my life and friendships!

My sister has just announced her 'accidental' pregnancy so I can feel myself withdrawing from my family now too, as although it's lovely news for her, it's just too heart breaking for us, which again I feel bad about!  I know my parents are devastated for us but thrilled for her, and with feeling so low, I don't want to burst any bubbles.  Plus my sister doesn't get how we've been feeling anyway on this infertility journey (she said I should have been over our loss after about a week!) so I know she won't understand if I try to explain how hard it is for us.  She has the 'glass half full' genes, where as my glass is always half empty!  Lol . My dh family have been very unsupportive throughout our treatment so we don't have much to do with them either now but more to do with we can't handle the hurtful comments they've said in the past, so staying clear means they can't upset us anymore.

I gave up full time teaching thinking the stress wasn't helping our chances conceiving so have been doing supply teaching for the last year or so.  However, I'm finding I do less and less because it now upsets be being with other people's little ones when all I want is my own.  I feel I don't have the confidence to look for another job at the moment (have no idea what else I could do as have been teaching for 14 years now!) plus, I guess doing supply is good for appointments etc. I am finding that because I'm so down I don't even want to work so spend hours in the house by myself crying!  God, no friends/family, no job..... what a total loser!! 

I've stopped going out or doing much because I feel so down and always seem to end up sat next to the new born or pregnant lady so basically I have stopped living, which is just not me!!  I know hobbies are good, or finding something that my dh and I enjoy would help take our minds off things, but all I seem to want to do is sit in and research fertility, pregnancy, baby things and it really is taking over my life!  I feel no matter what I do, I won't enjoy it anyway, because all that will make me happy is having a baby.  Crazy or what!!!!  

So sorry for the 'woe is me' post!!!!  This probably all sounds totally ridiculous when I know some of you have been through so much worse.  I guess writing it down helps a little and I must remember that I have a lovely dh who I love very much and am very grateful for.  Crikey, he has coped with all of this and has had to put up with loopy me as well   he deserves a medal! 

Anyway, enough of my self pity, I think I just want to feel I am not alone and that I'm not crazy and that everyone going through this infertility nightmare has felt like this at some point?!?  Please tell me there is?  Is there who has felt this low but come out the other end in one piece?  That is, if you've managed to continue reading this depressing post right to the end!!!    Thank you and sorry again!  Emma xxx


----------



## L21 (Oct 1, 2010)

Hi Emma,

I know where you're coming from but I do think you're just going through a bad patch, I felt just like you last July/August and after every cycle that failed. I think a lot of it is due to the hormones, I call it the 'hormone hangover'. I know it seems never ending, but it will get better.
The fact you've been pregnant is really positive (although sadly ended in an ectopic) but our consultant says its really positive sign. And I do think its a numbers game so when you feel ready for a 3rd try I'm sure it will be your turn to get a healthy baby.
In terms of avoiding friends, well we all do it. Could you perhaps meet the non-pregnant ones or else suggest activities such as the cinema in the evening so you could avoid it?. I have friends who really bang on about their baby and others who actually talk about other stuff.
And I find going to the gym, and running with my running club beneficial and its totally child-free and boosts my self-esteem.
I honestly think you're not mad, we've all had feelings like yours!

Best of luck,
xxx


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

really it all sounds rather like my life. Well the sitting around the house not doing anything because you're trying to avoid everyone part does anyway. 

my life is so caught up in trying to get pregnant - you know what, i just fell over a few minutes ago. I tripped over a storage box i left in a doorway and went flying. I landed badly, i hurt my left hand and wrist, both knees were in pain, and my back on the left hand side fell on top of the legs of the 'office style' chair so i had that sticking in my back painful and scary and the ONLY thought that went through my head was 'where am i at with treatment and did i break any follicles/babies' - it took me a good while to think carefully and realise that i wasn't in treatment or pregnant and therefore there was little chance i had done any damage in that regard. 

i'm not sure how many bruises i'm going to have but it feels like a lot! i feel like i just injured myself by playing in a tumble drier. one ankle, both knees, a thigh, top of one shoulder and hand and wrist and my back all feel like bruising likely. But it's ok. because i wasn't worried about any of that just tx issues. 

i'm definitely crazy. On the other down side i broke the storage box and it is one i have had 20 years i think, shame to see it go. Maybe it will glue. If only babymakingthings could be fixed with glue. Oh god i'm going to ache tomorrow!!! 

emma have you got to the stage of wandering around shops 'not buying' things because the amount you want them compared to the amount you want a baby makes them all seem totally futile? Years of that. it does help save money though. i'm going to be at least 43 before i get to have a baby, so it really does feel like my whole life has been taken over. 

i could dwell on all the stuff i ought to have achieved but i try not to. anyway, you're not alone. and if you're crazy you're in good company. the Only thing keeping me going is the hope that i will get my babies. baby. see i always wanted three but reckon now i have to scale that dream down!!! Not sure i'd cope. 

i don't have a day i don't miss being pregnant or having that feeling of hope but i'm trying to not spend all the time dwelling on it. Trouble is i am still a bit head-in-sand and wasting a lot of my day on trivial stuff because the distraction helps. There has to be a point soon where i start making phone calls and i'm struggling to get to that point. So scared of just having to think about it the whole time.


----------



## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Oh hun, I could of quite easily of written much of your post myself. And I have no magic answers because I am the same as you. I avoid all my friends (all either pg or now have babies), can't walk down the baby aisle, can't do anything baby related. It's even started dictating when I take the dog out- we have a nursery at the bottom if the road and a field opposit where I take the dog. I go after 1pm as that is change over time, and then I'm home before 3, before the school run.

I am a teacher too and I am thinking of doing supply come may. It's getting harder and harder to teach children when I'm just do desperate for my own.

I wish you lots of luck on your next cycle. Xxxxx


----------



## Lizzo15 (Feb 11, 2013)

I agree daisymaisy. your post (ELW7) could have been written by myself. I have been going through the exact same emotions. I was on my 2ww And due to test on wednesday this week. I started bleeding heavily this weekend and I haven't stopped crying since. I am struggling to pull myself out of this dark hole knowing that my second treatment has failed and haven't been able to even face work today. 
I too have evolved my life to avoid friends and family with babies, which I know is isolating me, but I can't cope with being around friends talking about babies / being pregnant as it just makes me more depressed and exacerbates the feeling of our situation seems so unfair when it is so simple and easy for those around me. Hence me joining fertility friends today to speak with women going through the same thing. I think chatting and pouring your emotions out and knowing you ate not alone is important. 
I think the only solutions for me is feeling like I have a plan for next steps in place so I've been researching new clinics. We've also booked ourselves a week away so my husband and I can start to enjoy life again. I think you have to force yourself to do to something other than the research otherwise it will just consume you.
This will pass you won't feel like this forever, my heart goes out to you as I know oh so well how you are feeling xxxx


----------



## jaykay76 (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi, I really relate to your post, in fact I've had a really bad day today. I overheard  my dh talking to a good friend of his who had a baby only last week, just listening to part of their conversation left me in tears! I don't want to know about it, I can't even bring myself to ask dh any details about the baby at all. Not long ago I would have rushed out to buy a card and present, but I just can't now, it's too painful. it seems like all day, everyday I am thinking about babies in one way or another. Stupid things like I may see a Grandmother on the TV, and my first thought will be, I'll probably never have my own grandchild.... It's torture, and it's like carrying a shadow around all of the time. I'm also a primary supply teacher, a job which I love but am also finding increasingly difficult.
Lizzo15, I think a weekend or week away is a brilliant idea. We recently went on a Butlins Music weekend, adults only, no children - bliss!!
I've also found exercise a really good release and way to clear my mind, you just need to find what works for you, take care xxxxx


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Ladies, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply!  As much as it helps me to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, I am so sorry that you all find yourselves on this heartbreaking journey and feeling the same way!       It is so cruel and incredibly unfair the things we have all had to go through.

Louie, so sorry to read of your loss and negative cycles! I think a 'hormonal hangover' is certainly an appropriate name for it, let's hope we've all had our fair share and don't go through anymore!  Thank you for your advice on the friend front.  They all seem to have their evening routines set in stone but that is a good idea, thank you.  I noticed from your signature that your otd is Thurs   I really do hope you have the best Valentines ever this year then and wish you lots of love and luck and that this is your time! Xx

Goldbunny, I hope you aren't in too much pain after your accident?!  Sorry to hear about that!!  Poor you, sounds like you didn't half hurt yourself!!!  Hope a nice bath and some pampering will help soothe your aches and pains!  Sorry the emotional pain is hard too!  I know exactly what you mean, I haven't been clothes shopping in over a year! (Well, once during this last treatment when I was obviously having a positive day and happened to buy some clothes whilst shopping for someone else's present!) I seem to have lost interest in everything!  You're right, nothing seems to be important anymore so I just don't bother.  I guess like you say, the only thing that keeps us going is holding onto that dream of a baby but the sadness stops everything else getting a look in.  My dh has just mentioned it's pancake day tomorrow and for a split second I thought, 'oh great, I like a good pancake' but that was followed by thinking of how all my friends will be doing it with their children so what's the point in us having them!!  I seem to deliberately stop myself from enjoying every little thing. A tiny thing like a flippin pancake that I've now made into a huge thing that I'm determined not to enjoy because I don't have children!! Crazy! Like you, I always wanted 3 or 4 children and it is so sad for us knowing that may not be possible and knowing that I'd give anything just to have one!  So sorry to read of your loss   Will you be trying again soon Goldbunny? Sending you lots of love and luck when you do and I hope things get a little brighter for you xx

Daisy, thank you for your reply.  I have read your heartbreaking posts on the forget me not thread and my heart goes out to you    I admire your strength!  I know your angel babies are so lucky to have a mummy like you.  I know how hard you've been finding it too over the last few months and years.  It's such a cruel and torturous journey but I hope this time you have much happier news and that your angels are looking over you on your journey.  I'm not sure what stage your surrogate is at but I wish you so much love and luck that your babies will soon be in your arms   xx

lizzo, welcome to ff but I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this heartbreaking situation!    I'm so sorry this treatment has ended like this for you and that you too, had to cope with a devastating ectopic last year!  I can imagine that having a positive result this cycle would have helped your pain a little, as it would have done with me, but to have it result negatively just seems to have brought all the pain back from last year!  I think you're right in that having a plan will help.  During our treatment we were told we wouldn't be offered anymore however, we've just had our review and they have agreed to another try which is a huge relief!  I feel there is still hope!  Do you know when you will try again?  A holiday sounds like a good plan too!  It will be just what you both need so I hope it helps.  I need to start thinking that we could enjoy one too instead of thinking I won't because we're not taking a baby with us!  I hope you have success next time.  Lots of love xx

Jaykay, I'm sorry you too have has such a tough day today too  . I can totally understand how hard it is to hear about other people's babies.  I try to avoid all conversations if I can as like you say, it is just too painful! I think if it's too hard, then don't.  I too would have rushed out to buy presents, cards too and I was always the first to want to babysit etc but not any more. I tell myself now that it's all about keeping sane and that I'm not a horrible person, it just breaks my heart too much and therefor I just can't do it.  Maybe get your dh to buy the present as going round baby shops will be too heartbreaking.  Thank you for your reply and I hope things get a little easier for you.  Lots of love and luck with your journey xx

Thank you everyone for replying and making me think I'm not losing the plot!  I hope we all have much happier times ahead along with the happily ever afters we so deserve!  Still struggling but will keep hoping! Lots of love, Emma xxx


----------



## Smith8450 (May 29, 2012)

Hi, I totally know what you mean! I am one of the lucky one's as-well who has a daughter. I find it hard going to the school and seeing all the mum's in the school yard. there seems to be a never ending stream of women pregnant or knocking out another one!

I know I am lucky to have one daughter who I feel totally blessed with but when you have dreamt of a family of your own it doesn't take away the hurt you feel for the children you can't have yet yearn for! I am an only child and we have no other family to speak of so wanted to create our own. My daughter has no cousins.

Life can be so cruel at times and very unfair. People say to me, 'well you have one you'll have another one'. Or, 'think yourself lucky, at least you have one'. These comments never take away that natural yearning for a baby when every month seems like a massive punch in the face when AF arrives and don't they realise, I've won the lottery once! How many people win it twice!

I very recently met up with a girl who I knew at school and she has no children and no desire for them. It was so nice to sit and talk to someone were the conversation isn't about children or babies and for those couple of hours I felt like 'me' again. 

Sorry to hear you feel this way. It could have been me writing this. I gave up work too. and have no desire to go back as working, to me, is like a reminder of what I haven't got. 

I hope we all have good news in 2013! Lots of love, Michelle xxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Michelle - I feel like that too


----------



## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

I can completely understand.  

I have withdrawn from many people due to my infertility issues 
This weekend just gone I had 3 pregnancy announcements.

My sister age 25 with 4 kids has just announced she is expecting twins.  
She is married to an alcoholic that beat her up and hes not allowed to be around the children- great move sis!  

My stepsister is pregnant too she lives on nothing but french fries    

Family members make comments that upset me all the time   I feel like everyone is picking at us and there is pressure to pop a baby out as my sister two years younger than me has already popped out 4 with 2 on the way! 

It makes my blood boil!

It takes over my life too...
I reasearch the net most days lookin for ways to improve my diet, am I takin the right vitrmains etc..
I hate my body for not doing what I want it to do.

I wish I could flip a switch off to give myself a break xxx
You are not alone ladies it bluddy well tough


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Thank you ladies.  Sorry you are feeling this way too!   It really is hard and I guess no matter what stage you're at when you have that longing it's always there and so very hard to cope with.

Michelle, yes, that's one of the things that pulls at my heart strings, when I see the mums at the gate knowing that's what I want to be doing.    I hope your cycle this summer brings you the little brother or sister for your daughter and the baby to complete you family.  Lots of love and luck xx

Reb, wishing you lots of love and luck with your test date next week!   xx

Stacey, sorry you are feeling like this too!  Life really is **** sometimes!  I know the feeling where everyone around you is pregnant, it feels like a conspiracy sometimes!  Why am I not part of this world that I so desperately want to be part of!!  It really is tipping me over the edge.  We don't deserve this    You're right, it is extremely tough and nobody else realises this.  Well done on winning your next cycle and I hope it brings you happiness.  Good luck xx

Why can't we wave a magic wand and make this pain disappear!?  Xxxx


----------



## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi Emma and everyone ...
I know exactly how you feel.  I feel like my life is on hold until I can have this baby. I had a BFP on 3 December woo hoo only to have a mmc on 15 January   I was (am) heartbroken.  We have waited 7 years for a sibling for my little boy (and he took 2 and a half years to conceive).  11 years of worrying about what not to eat, what not to drink, what to eat, what to drink,  appointments, tablets, injections, blood tests, flights, scans, pregnancy tests and then just disappointment after disappointment because nothing works no matter how hard you try.  And like you say, down the road is a woman of 39 with 5 kids, 3 different dads, smokes like a chimney don't tell me she is watching her vitamin intake or eating only organic food.  I am a supply teacher too.  It's horrible, it's not even your class or your children plus you have the uncertainty of what you are doing from one day to the next as well as all the other lack of control you have over your life (ie infertility).  But how CAN you get a 'proper' job when you never know when you might have to go for a scan or a transfer or be on your 2ww taking it easy?  Life is in limbo.  I know I will look back on all these years and hate the fact that I wasted the best years of my life (and so many of them) but it is impossible to stop when the pain of not having the family you want is so big.  I too have a DS born 2005 but believe me the pain is no less for wanting another I think it is just natural for women to want to love and nurture babies and so painful when that is denied you.  I had a massive fall out with my mother today I still have not forgiven her for being so cold and unsympathetic when I found out about the mmc ... just 5 days later she told me to get over it.  I hadn't even physically lost the baby at that point ...just the heartbeat  I also heard today that one of my friends (older I must admit) has just become a grandmother GREAT .... you know when you hear that news and your brain shuts down and you feel like you're about to have a panic attack or pass out or something and just wish they could talk about something else like now!) 

So no, Emma, you are not alone.  We have all sat here at some point feeling we don't care about anything (what do you want for Christmas love? I dunno ... a baby?) or anyone.  I fell out with my husband last night and slept upstairs, I fell out with my mum today and she says she will never come to my house again.  I don't care about any of it.  I guess if truth be known we are all quite depressed - but it's hardly surprising is it?  The emotional trauma and the disappointment is IMMENSE nobody who has not gone through infertility understands this.  But I HAVE found these things help:
1. Distraction ... reading funny books, watching films, getting interested in other stuff.
2. Keeping busy ... cleaning cupboards, fridges, tidying, sorting, painting even (it's hard to get motivated but OK once you get going)
3. Counselling ... just talking about it gets it off your chest and out of your head.
4. Exercise ... gives you more energy, gets your blood pumping,gives you some endorphins (plus got to be good for any future pregnancy to be fitter!)
Good luck.  I'm needing it too right now. Got told by my clinic that I could be ready for another transfer in about 6 weeks and I am so not ready for that but need to give myself a big kick up the bum to get fit, strong, healthy and positive again.  It's really really not easy just how many times CAN you pick yourself up again?!
Lots of love and realise you are so not alone in any of this or any of your feelings.
   ange xx


----------



## Smith8450 (May 29, 2012)

Cranky Angie, I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear of your loss! 

This journey is very emotional and I too have good days and bad days. I do often wonder at my low points if it is more than this and if I am depressed but I am a 'get on with it' type of person who can put on a face when people are around. 

The longing for another child is no less painful than the longing for your 1st, yes it is different because we are very very lucky that we have one baby but it's the family that you always wanted that you crave. I remember before I had my DD crying saying, 'if only I could have one baby, someone to call me mum', and now here I am again with exactly the same feelings. I totally empathize with you. It is as though your life is on hold all these years. I find myself sometimes wishing that I could fast forward to the day I realise I am at peace with myself about this whole fertility journey. It's funny how the exact thing that we want which we know will make us happy is actually the exact thing stopping us from being happy - makes you think!

Be grateful for what we have now as things could be much worse and try and stay positive. Your tips sound like good advice and sometimes it is easier to sit and wallow. 
It's half term at the mo and I am totally loving being with my daughter and when I have to take her back to school next Monday I will experience the 'empty nest' feeling again.
I don't work now since having DD. I went back part time after she was born but even that didn't work for me. At the end of the day I thought, if she ends up being the only baby I ever have I want to be there for everything and not miss out on anything. It was the best decision I have ever made! Now she is as school, some people judge me for not working and in an ideal world I would have still been at home with other children to raise but I see my job now as being the best wife and Mum I can be. Concentrating on having fertility tx takes away the worry thrown in by having a job too so I can see how being a supply teacher would fit in great with this!

Take care everyone and I wish us all luck! I have a consultation booked for our next round of ICSI on 1st March and I am so excited!


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi,

Cranky Angie, thank you for your message.  I'm so sorry to read of your recent mc   and the resulting fall out with your mum.  It's heartbreaking when people close to you just don't get what you're going through.  This journey and the longing for a baby is so incredibly tough and I know it has changed who I am.  I just feel heartbroken constantly.  You're right, it's the constant what to eat/not eat, what to drink/not drink, appointments, drugs, scans, tests, upset, heartache etc and no-one else can understand this, but you would think they would at least try! 

Thank you for the tips! I do have a bit of OCD   so have cleaned and sorted everywhere possible lol! And I am having counselling, but you're right, I definitely need to start exercising and getting some hobbies as I am sure they will help me. Thanks for sharing your feelings and I wish you lots of luck with your next transfer   Hope all goes well and you finally get a little brother or sister for your little boy xx

Smith, good luck with your next cycle xx


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

ELW i bought myself an ipod nano for the pedometer function in january and it was one of the best moves i ever did - it stores all my walks so i can see how far i have walked since then and it is a great motivator to see the steps/miles adding up. Also i have been listening to radio 3 on it while i walk so i have been learning about composers and things as well. i don't look forward to exercising all the time sometimes i'd rather not bother but i feel fitter and stronger and it is definitely helping my 'post m/c recovery'. good luck with exercising x


----------



## Roodkate (Jun 21, 2012)

Josh,

Hello all. Yes we all feel the same. I spent nearly a year a home crying and in disbelief, before what has now been 5 months of treatment of some such. I did not see hardly any friends. I avoid family. 

The unsuitable fertile people I work with make me want to kill them....I can be very short now with patients like so, when before I would have bitten my tongue  . At one point when I got the endo diagnosis I had a patient who was older than me, IV drug user, pregnant with twins, HIV positive and  we had to get an arrest warrant out to stop her transmitting the HIV to them as she would not take her antiretrovirals.... 

I have a junkie cousin and his alcoholic partner who have lost custody of their child, she has FAS, how the hell did they manage to concieve? They are the same age as me as well.

I can honestly say I have seen the edge of my own sanity at times and I have found that very frightening  

I found the gym helped Zumba, as I don't go to the disco! And yoga, to keep me calm....

What's it all about, buggered if I know....


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Goldbunny, thanks for your message!  That sounds like a good plan!  Glad it's helping you through things.  I definitely need to try something or at least even get the motivation from somewhere!!  Hope you're doing ok?   xx

Roodkate, thanks for your message and I'm so sorry you too are caught up in this infertility nightmare   and have been feeling low too!  It is frightening like you say, as the thoughts this can make you have are so scary at times.  It does help to know my feelings are entirely natural with hearing about other people feeling the same, I just wish we could all have good news and these horrible feelings could all go away for us all!  It must make you so cross to see patients like you do! Why can't they have the problems instead!  I hope your days get a bit brighter soon and wish you luck on your journey xx


----------



## mamadreams (Feb 9, 2011)

ELW7-Oh honey, that is such a normal feeling. Even if only us infertiles (dont' like that word) can truly understand.  

Cranky Angie-I'm so sorry about your mc. It's extremely heartbreaking--you'd think after all this crap we go through to get pregnant, there should be a 100% guarentee it will stay if it sticks. 

That's me alright. Spot on. I wish I could have my sad feelings but be able to put those aside and feel joy at others baby news. I keep praying that I can start feeling happy and not burst into tears when I found someone else is pregnant. I hasn't worked yet. I have also withdrawn from friends that are pregnant or have newborns. I avoid bayb showers. I'm still okay with toddlers and older kids, but just can't do the newborns. I realized that I've planned the last almost 7 years around having a baby and I still dont' have one. It's all I can focus on. We are American, but have lived in Europe since mid-2006 in three different countries. We are in Kiev, Urkaine now. I have also realized how lucky I had been when we lived in Paris and in Moscow. I loved living both those places. Lots of Americans living there anywhere from their early 30's-40 and no one had kids. I fit in. Now,  in Kiev, everyone is pregnant or has a baby. I dont' fit in. I had a nice 40 year old friend here not married and no kids. We spent time together getting coffee, going for walkes, etc....she just had a baby boy in January. I feel horrible and a very bad friend, but I can't go see that little guy. I'll just sob. DH asks me if it's time we move back to the US, but I wont' fit in either. I guess I should be thankful we left Moscow when we did. Every single friend of mine now has a baby. There's about 10. My whole Paris & Moscow experience would have been different in a bad way had those people had babies early on when we lived there. And I get angry when I find out, like roodkate said, "unsuitable" women get pregant..again and agan and again. The crazy thing is if someone told me I was going to have a baby no problems...my whole emotional state, self, atttitude would instantly change. 

I'm reading a  lot, traveling, doing yoga, jogging a bit here and there, reiki'ing my self, had acupucture in the US, have meditation fertility tapes....and praying...lots. 

What else can you do? 

Best Wishes for All, 
MamaDreams


----------



## Roodkate (Jun 21, 2012)

I' m so sorry mama dreams,

You are greiving and obviously need to. You have been through alot. 

Be good to yourself and your partner. I have spent more time with friends who have no children, but who also have no DP. So I was trying to be thankful that I have DP.


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Mamadreams, so sorry to read of your losses and your journey so far!   It is so heartbreaking when we put so much into this dream, but yet the months and years go by and we still have heartache! I think it is really hard to keep putting a brave face on around others.  I have done that for years but just can't seem to even muster up a faint smile anymore.  Like you, I'm ok with toddlers but it's the bumps and newborns that I can't seem to handle. I know the feeling of putting every waking thought into having a baby and it does take over your whole life.

You seem to have been on some great travels over the years.  So sorry it's now getting harder and harder to be part of friendship groups.  I'm finding that too!  All my friends in the UK have children with the only ones who don't living in Germany so I don't get to see them that often.  It's horribly isolating when you no longer feel you can be part of that 'illusive' group   I'm sorry I have no advise for you as struggling so much myself, but I just wanted to wish you lots of luck on your fertility journey, wherever that may take you and I hope your dreams do eventually come true.  Take care, love Emma xxx

Roodkate, hope the 2ww is going ok? Xx


----------

