# How much do they dig?



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies
I've been filling in the official application form, our LA won't let you apply till after the prep course, and have had to put about my ex partner who I bought a house with and lived with for about 10/11 months but ended the relationship due to his temper and violent outbursts towards me.  No way was I going to have children with him!  This was 12 years ago and I'm just wondering how much they dig into these things?  

I have nothing to hide but a lot of his 'problems' he put down to being adopted, he used emotional blackmail for a long time to stop me from leaving and stupidly I believed him when he said he would be different when we had our own home.  

I had a battle to get my house back which took 7 months while I lived at Mums and I suppose I am just worried that he could be spiteful if contacted and make life difficult for us now.  We do have friends and family that will back up what he was like but I hate the thought of him even knowing about my life now.

Any ideas?
Love
OT x


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi OT

I can see why you don't want your ex knowing about your current life now, and that probably just even the thought of him being contacted feels you with dread.  We are at the very early stages of adoption, but saw SW this week who asked about previous partners that we lived with.  Like you I really don't want them to contact my ex (different situation to you but he was a complete nightmare and I just don't want to dig everything up again - I can imagine him being quite horrible about me wanting to adopt!), the SW was really understanding and said that they do have ways of getting around these situations.  She suggested that they would be able to contact a friend, or someone that knew us as a couple at that time to get their comments instead.  This sounds a much easier prospect!  If my LA are willing to do this then hopefully yours should.

Good luck and let us know how it goes,

Love Maisie x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

HI Maisie
Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.

One of my referees knew 'us' as a couple so maybe its an option, will speak to them about it.  I've uummed and aarred about saying anything but don't know what checks they make on addresses etc so didn't want them turning round and saying 'you bought that house with so and so, whats that about?'

Good luck with your journey
Love
OT x


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi OT

Know what you mean about the checks, I also wondered whether to tell them about living with my ex; it would have been much easier not to bring it all up.  What worried me though was if they later found out that I lied and how it would affect my case etc.  They made a point of saying at our information open day that when they discover people hadn't told them the truth that it made them question what else had they also not told them?  In the end I didn't want to cope with the stress of not being honest.  They were really good about it all though.  Hope your LA are understanding.

Good luck with it all too.

love maisie x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

HI Maisie
My thoughts exactly.  I was only 20/21 at the time of it all and was still at the stage of not wanting my parents to be 'right' about what they had said about him.  I agree the stress of trying to keep it quiet would be too much, definately best to be honest about it.

Best finish getting ready for our last prep day.  Can't believe it has got to the end so quick, just hope the next stage gets going quickly!
Love
OT x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, I told my LA that I had not been in touch with my ex partner for over 11 years and did not know where he was currently living.  I also said that I had not kept in touch with any mutual friends from that time.  As a result my ex was not contacted.  He too was a pig and would have been spiteful in any reference I am sure - if he even bothered to fill one out.


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi OT

Hope your last day of prep group went well.  We have just found out that we have got a space on the next March group.  Can't wait!

love maisie x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies
Jennifer, thanks for replying, its nice to know it hasn't caused 'difficulties' for others.  My best friend is a referee and knew us both and knew how bad a time I had, she was supportive but so pleased when I walked out.  She has said she will only back up my story not go into any details I don't think are relevant.

Maisie, great news about the course!  March isn't far away and before you know it you'll be at the end of that bit.  We have really enjoyed ours though it has been heavy going and emotionally draining.  The SW said we were one of the best groups she'd had in the 7 years she'd been running the course and that she wished us all well in the coming months.  We have all swopped numbers and will probably stay in touch with them all, some more often than others, they are all nice and friendly so we feel we have been lucky being in such a good group.

Now the task off filling out the application form!  I've done most of it but have got to sit down and tackle the list of where we've lived, education etc from birth to now.

Love
OT x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

OT

The following links to previous discussions on this may be of use to you.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82316.0

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=68427.0

Good luck

Karen x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Karen
Thanks for the links.
Love
OT x


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi OT

Thanks for your comments re the prep group.  Good to know it was enjoyable although obviously still draining etc.  I am quite looking forward to ours but can imagine I will be very nervous as will dh.  Good luck with the form filling, hope it doesn't send you  .

love maisie x


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