# Post prep course blues



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi just wondering if any one else out there felt like me or am i the odd one out?!
Finished day 4 of prep course today and feel low.

I started the course feeling very positive and excited. Now at the end of it I feel sad and confused. The SWs were super, the other couples very friendly but i am left wondering if this is really the right path for me....a real blow because i felt so sure. They didn't tell me anything i didn't know....only that despite being told in NOv 0-2yrs was a definite option and now it isn't!!.....i just seemed to have lost my oooomph.

Anyone else had a similar reaction to any part of the process?

HHH


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear HHH

Sorry to Hear you've lost your oooomph & are feeling the way you do.

Can you pin point anything in particular that might be making you feel this way, so people can help you talk about what it is that might be upsetting you & making you feel down?

You mention in Nov 0 -2 yrs was a definite option and now it isn't?  Can you explain what you mean by that.  Were you told that the ages of a child/ren you could be looking at could be older & this is what has upset you.

When we first adopted our son 8 years ago our preparation course's were cancelled 2 times & we were really beginning to doubt if we would ever get to go  on these courses.  We'd had to book time of work 2 times & then say actually we don't need the time off now.

When we eventually went on the course there was only 2 more couples on the course with us.  The sw had decided to run the course as they didn't want to make this the third time of cancelling us!

The other couples were great,SW were great & we did leave feeling positive & looked forward to our next stage in the journey.

Would talking to a SW help you feel better, have you been allocated a SW at the moment, I know some people complete the course & then wait to be allocated a SW.  We were told on our last preparation course day who our SW was so we were lucky that we had a name & someone who we could get hold of & talk to.

Right at the beginning of our process we were asked to considered putting our age range up from 0 -3 yrs to 0-5 yrs as the SW said there was more of a chance for a quicker match.  We thought long & hard & that is what we did, in the end we were matched with a 3 year old!( 5 weeks after going to panel!)

I'm not sure if I am helping,I'm trying to, just try & stay positive, talk to pepole who have been in a similar position to you & don't feel guilty if you are having doubts if this is the right thing for you.  It's much better now to realize that adoption is maybe not the right choice for you,than to get further down the line & begin to really regret it.

Don't forget you have friends on FF who are hear to help you.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today & please don't feel down, I think you are very brave to realize how you are feeling & to ask for advice, well done for recognizing that.

Good luck for whatever you decide to do.

Superal

        xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi HHH

Like Superal says I think to fully help we need to identify specifically what is making you feel like this.  There is a lot of information to take in and considerations to be made and its better to be thinking this way now than having got through the process and having the child/ren with you.

Have you been allocated your SW yet?  There's still quite a bit to do with home study and panel and the age situation may change again by the time you've got through the next stage.  Also is your LA in a consortium arrangement?

We had lots of delays along the way and that made me feel quite low (its the control freak in me!) and occasionally now when things aren't the perfect happy family I'd always dreamed of I think about how life was before the kids, but the good always outweighs the bad.

I hope you find some answers and don't forget we are here to help.  IM me if you need to

Karen x


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

HHH

Im sad to hear that you are all confused.   
I didnt feel confused when we finished our but like Karen, due to many delays it was sometimes hard to sit back and get on with things.

Maybe you really had deep down wanted a 0-2 year old, maybe its worth discussing this with your SW if you have been allocated one or to contact them.
We were the other way round and were told no way to any child under 3 1/2 but we have been approved for a 0-2 year old.

As Karen says, evertything isnt always roses but you have to think of the end result.

I really hope that you manage to understand why you feel like this and you know that we are all here for you need a chat.

Take Care

Natsxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

HHH

I can sympathise with how you are feeling.  After our prep course, especially the bit where they tell you all the things that can go wrong like attachment disorder, we felt the same.  At the end of the course we had to have a serious think about whether we wanted to continue.  As we were both already 40 by this point we questioned whether we had the emotional energy to take on the task and whether we would be better off having long exotic holidays every year.  In the end we decided that above all else we wanted a family and that we would never be truly happy without one and that we needed to give it our best shot.  

Lucky for us things have turned out really great and we're really happy but I didn't really get my oomph back fully until we got XXXXX.  Don't feel down because you're having doubts.  Adoption is not an easy process, especially if you've already been through disappointments of tx it can be hard to put up with the bureacracy and delays whilst worrying what your adoptive child will turn out like.  I think you are doing the best thing by seriously considering your next step as this is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life and you are only being sensible by thinking about it.  However consider all the angles and don't just let your fears get the better of you.  Is there anything specific that's worrying you?

love
Cindy


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi and thankyou for taking the time to reply.... i am aware of the specifics that are bothering me but didn't really want to admit them yesterday.. partly because i feel bad about having these thoughts at all.

I thought i was over it but there is still that nagging sensation of wanting my own children, to be pregnant, to have a very young baby. Also with all the talk of the consequences the children's experiences have on them i worry that i'm up for it and whether that's really what i want for my family life.

There i've done it and i really hope i haven't ruffled feathers... i know lots of you out there are doing this and have found it works for you and your children. I' m just really surprised at the way I swing from 100 % certain to 100% Not! Not at all easy for dh either!!

I've never bben good at making decisions as i always worry i'm making the right choice and there are so many things at stake here...help!!

HHH


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear HHH

Well done for being totally honest about how you feel, you won't have ruffled any feathers on this sight,we've all gone through what you are experiencing.

We have all questioned our selves about how we would feel if we only had the one last treatment & how we would cope with a child that we hadn't given birth to.

When we first adopted, we adopted a little boy who was 3 nearly 3½ when he came to live with us.  When we first met him, it didn't matter to us that I'd not given birth to him & I just had this amazing well of lo9ve that I wanted to give this child.  Yes we've had a few problems, most people do if they are honest.( Our son preferred his Daddy rather than me in the beginning but we soon worked through it)

When we adopted the second time we were very lucky & we adopted our lovely DD at 9 months of age.  It was when we adopted our DD that I realized we had missed out on things with our DS, simple things like pushing him in a pram.

I've been very lucky & have experienced the love & care of adopting 2 children, One of an older age & one as a baby.

Hope you are feeling better today, I had a bad day yesterday over an anniversary date & now it's here I'm actually feeling alot better.

Today I feel more positive, I hope you can do to.

Take care of yourself.

Superal
xx


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