# some donor egg advice please!!!



## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Hi Ladies,
I am just hoping for a bit of practical advice from DE ladies, I am currently 12 and half weeks with our most loved wanted DE baby..... and at the stage to tell we our expecting our wonderful miracle child in December.
I am in in bit of a quandary, we had previously had a DE cycle and was completely open with all the close family about this ( my mum,dad,brothers and MIL and DH sister). sadly this cycle didn't work, however alarm bells have rung in response to this cycle. 


MIL told everyone about DE.... hairdresser, butcher candlestick maker!!!! Now this is possibly my fault as I didn't stipulate this to be kept to herself. However MIL loves a bit of drama and something to jaggle about with all and sundry. DH sister told her husband but didnt ask if she could.... 


Since this happened last year my feelings have changed in about telling all about DE, and I am certainly not against telling my child of its origins however, I also feel that in my rush to show to the world that I am proud to be a donor egg mother, I feel that my choices of when and how to tell my child are limited , and DH and I are then under time pressure to tell our child, and have also thought about this from our child's view..... I don't believe its my right to tell all about my child's genetic history..... surely thats my child's right?


We have stated to the family that we would have a short protocol cycle before trying DE again, as we had success with this before but sadly M/C. So we could say that we had a short protocol to anyone who asks.. believe me MIL will. I would rather tell a short term lie and tell later than feel I felt under pressure and just wanted to enjoy being pregant and a  new mum. Once we tell you cant undo it but we can amend that in the future and explain the reasons for the fib at a later date.


I have told my mum that baby is DE and she is all for keeping it bettween DH, I and my mum for the time being. But I think I have coloured her opinion of DH family with the way MIL reacted on our last cycle.

But also DHs sisters eldest is not genetically her husbands and EVERYONE in her family knows this secret apart from this poor 12 year old child.... I am appalled at this... in this constantly fighting family it will end in tears. 


your advice would be greatly appreciated
Angela


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Angela
A dilemma I can see, but if you don't tell now, when will you tell your in-laws?  It's so easy for time to slip away and then people get upset because they weren't trusted with the info.  Why not have a quiet word with your MIL about keeping the news within the privacy of the family.  Privacy is a much better word and approach than secrecy and if she feels privileged and trusted with this info perhaps she will be more likely to keep it to herself.

On the topic of others knowing before a child.  Experience in DC Network is that it is actually helpful for the child for close friends and relatives to know and understand about donor conception BEFORE the child does.  Have a look at our Telling and Talking 0-7 booklet for fuller explanations about this.  www.dcnetwork.org    I know this can feel counter-intuitive and even possibly disrepectful, but if a child is told the info from an early age finding out that others do not know is likely to make them wonder why on earth not.  What is so worrying about the information that Granny doesn't know?

Many congrats on your pregnancy by the way.  Hope everything continues to go well.
Olivia


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## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Thanks Olivia,
It so difficult to know the best way forward..... I know that MIL will be completely unable to keep this infomation to herself she was the only one to know about her daughters child and told ex- husband his new wife, there four children, dh and myself.... and no doubt  numerous other pepole as she often talks about her daughter in a way that states her daughter has a "dirty" secret and uses this as a weapon...even though she was sworn to keep it private. I know  that once I tell her that I have no control over this information, and perhaps thats why I am dragging my heels.

such big decisions for my little tiny baby......hmmmm


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## elinor (Jul 4, 2008)

Hi Angela

If I get this right, your natural instincts are that this is not just 'your' information - it is your baby's too, and you want to make sure that they are welcomed into the family as the blessing and gift that they are, without over-concern about the specifics of their origin. 
I would imagine that if your MIL wants to tell the butcher the baker and the candlestick-maker she will do so whenever she knows about it, whether that is now or in nine months or nine years. Only difference a 'fib' now would achieve would be that she'd tell the butcher the baker and the candlestick-maker that it was something you had been embarrassed or ashamed about and therefore had not told her. She will view it as a topic for gossip because of her beliefs, if that is how she sees things. That won't change straight away. If you and the rest of the family just treat it as normal, her reaction will calm down over time and the butcher ... etc will forget about it/ not see it as a big deal/ add it to their mental map of ways families can be made. You may not be able to change her reaction, or views, but it will be old news after a while. I don't mean that in a bad way - the new baby will be a source of joy and wonder and delight, just that the specifics of conception and genetics will not seem as relevant (but may do at different points to a child). 

If I can share a decision of mine (not related to telling family, but relevant to a degree). I agreed to publicity when the clinic I was with phoned up a few months after my little one was born - specifically to raise the issue of donor shortages, and egg donation. I appeared in the Daily Record (and the Daily Mail.... less happy about that, but then they were much more focused on the 'single mum' aspect), and was interviewed on the radio. I got phoned up again by Radio Scotland when the HFEA changed the payments for egg donors, and I spoke briefly on that. I felt whilst my little one is small I can do this, because I feel there are not enough donors out there and not enough information, yet once he is a bit older I won't. This is not because my views will change (I think), but because at the moment it isn't going to have a huge impact on him - he isn't at school yet, so it won't make him 'diferent' or make it an issue because his mum was on the radio or in the paper. I have been open about the donor issue to friends and family, so those around him will know already (but some of them seem to forget, or still make comments like 'isn't that just like you?' 'he has his grandad's nose' ...), and it is definitely something he will grow up knowing. But the conception was 'my' issue. Now he is here, future is for us as a family and the information is private, not secret, but private. I am not sure when he will understand the difference between these words - I imagine we will have some fun and games along the way - but we will get there. 

Hope you find the right way forward for you and your family to be, in the family that already is.

best wishes
Elinor


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## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Thanks Elinor,
You have made some great points....i greatly admire you for sticking your neck out to shout for us donor mums/ donors......and speaking for us .......... The shortage of donors in this country is terrible I was on NHS list for 4years!!!! and didn't even get mid way through the waiting list....

things would be so much easier if we all had open-minded reasonable people in our extended family .... sadly I guess this isn't true for most people.. 

I guess I just think that all this is so quick after getting my BFP and knowing that what decisions I make now for my child are forever...I just don't want to make the  wrong choice for my child. But your right negative coments from family are not going to change no matter how long I put it off.....I just want to protect my child.


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## rhi4n (Jun 7, 2011)

Hi,

We are also having the same kind of dilemma. When told that the best way of getting pregnant was with a donor egg we were very open with friends and family. By doing this a friend actually offered to become a donor for us. We then proceded to tell close and close friends which i now regret due to mixed opinions about it! Me and my friend came to an agreements due to other issues that it wasnt the right time for her to help us out due to her children and family commitments!

Secretly i then discussed our issue with someone else who offered to become a donor for us. I have decided to keep her identity completely a secret...not even my partner knows who she is. She is someone who i have known for 20 years but dont actually see her regularly. The problem was these same people  knew we were gonna be looking for donors so what do we tell them this time round. We decided to not tell them the whole truth...they wont know which was we have gone to hopefully become pregnant...known donor, anonymus donor or have we hsed our own eggs (which is a last resort) not even my parents will know or my Mil or Fil! Everyone so far have respected our descision of not telling them the whole truth..which is nice.

Let us know what you do

Rhian x


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## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Hi Rhian,
I don't think that it is uncommon to be in this situation, awkward in laws , small minded friends, or diffcult parents.... it does seem unfair that we have to worry about these things even before conception/ just pregnant. Anyhow I am visiting the in laws this weekend... and announcing our good news..... I am not offering information but if I am asked  I am just going to say " I am pregnant surely thats all that matters" and leave it at that, they can make of it what they will...... I am not lying but I can have some breathing space on the subject...... they can put my response down to hormones if they wish! 
and I get to have some time..
Angela


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