# 6 months in



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi everyone,
Just after a bit of empathy/ encouragement today....
It's 6 months since DD moved in and today it feels like things are getting worse not better   I'm putting it down to changes in routine,dh back at work after 2 weeks off. She's had two major episodes today where she's been intent on harming me or herself, she says she doesn't want me to keep her safe, doesn't want me to be her mummy and wants to hurt herself..... my heart hurts  
She also talks about fcs every day and sometimes asks to.go back there. She's 3 and 6 months is a long time in her world, when will.things get better?

I know there are no magic wands and I do feel better for sharing but still.feel like rubbish mummy cause I can't make it all better like I'm supposed to.... 

CS x


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi,

Just wanted to send a sympathetic reply - have no experience of this but my heart went out to you when I read your post.

I do know one thing - you are not to blame and you are being a brilliant mummy.

It is so much harder to be a mummy through adoption, we have so many other things to worry about alongside getting through each day with a volatile toddler / feeling guilty about every choice we make like birth mummies do !!!

Have you spoken to a social worker for advice? Have you got a decent life story book that you can use to confirm / affirm her memories and then use to show her that she is now part  of your family.

I know that 6 months seems like ages but I remember reading on here recently that you need to have them with you as long as their longest previous placement for some children. That's not to say that you haven't already built lots of love and attachment but I think it is helpful to think of attachment as lifelong - I would say my girls are attached to me and dh but that they need extra love and consideration and reinforcement all the time and especially at times of change - I am dreading preschool for this reason.

Sorry not to offer much practical support but wanted to send an understanding show of moral support if nothing else,

Hugs
Xxx


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

That sounds incredibly hard.  Are you getting any help or support?  If not definitely speak to your social worker and get referred to the post adoption support team - the wanting and trying to hurt herself, really makes me think she needs a bit of extra help.  Perhaps funding for something like theraplay would help your relationship and help to make her feel more secure with you


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Around about the 6 months mark was when things started to get dire here, our son was older at 6, he never talked about FC or his BF, but he would be having meltdowns on a daily basis, lasting for up to 4 hrs at a time, he was extremely violent, we refused to put in our AO until his placing authority put some therapeutic work into place with him.

I know it's hard but stay strong, you are the best thing that has ever happened for your daughter, things do get better, sometimes I don't even realise until something happens and I think, wow not seen that behaviour in a long time.

The other thing that helped us was that we had and still do an evening out every 4-6 weeks, our SW encouraged us to do this, that wY ad well our son has been used to a babysitter from the off.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi crazy spaniel,

Big virtual hugs to you. 

Change in routine is affecting us here too - lots of lashing out or trying to hurt himself albeit much more milder than when he was first placed. Like others have said its a long process and you will gradually feel wow it's been a whe since we saw that - must admit these setbacks always debt my confidence as you think really are we back there?!? 
But they're just the way my LO displays his hurt and confusion.

Best advice I can give is get as much respite as you can - especially if it's regular - do you have GPs/aunties nearby that can come and play with LO for an hour if so once a week whilst you do something for you?

Re permanence and Qs re FC, have you met up with FC since placement, how close were they, was door left open, has she been given permission by FC to move on?
I put a family picture on the wall after a few months with the diff family members and we talk through who everyone is (immediate ones only) and how they are our family now. We made a picture book with early pics and of BPs & FCs and look at it when LO fancies.

I would be shouting on SWs to give you some support especially in life story and how the move was handled. Theraplay sessions may be good too as they could maybe give you ideas to use toys to talk through feelings and see if LO can express how she feels.

My little boy harms when frustration/anger overtake him so things that worked were learning the angry stomp and when he's exploding then he's still small enough for he to sit on my knee and I gently hold and swing his legs to a beat.

There was some info on auk thread about things that can settle and what the sensory triggers are for some kids. Physically moving my Los legs in swinging motion seemed to be what calmed best. Some older kids it was eating crisps or anything crunchcy. I'll see if I can dig out the article as it may be that you can use something like this when you see the cues.

What a brilliant mummy you are being and so obviously feeling your child's hurt and wanting to help her. Don't doubt yourself, you are the best for her (you were chosen!!) but def ask SSs to provide suggestions and find the support you need.
X x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks so much for the replies x 

I have someone visiting today to meet us before they start the life story book, hoping it doesn't take too long as I'm sure it will help her.
We have no photos of fcs and they have refused contact, I've asked DDs sw for a photo of them several times but it never arrives, I'm sure they must have photos of fcs on file?!
We spend a lot of time through play talking about our family and she does enjoy looking at pictures of us all.

We've been lucky enough to have post adoption support involved for the last couple of months as her extreme behaviours showed up fairly soon. However this is being provided by approving la rather than the placing one so we are waiting for more input.

Sw has been supportive but she is like a different child when visitors come and the more extreme stuff is always directed at me or occasionally dh.

Gertie, I've tried swaddling her in a soft blanket and rocking her but if she's particularly wound up it seems to make her angrier, and leaves her free to use her teeth on me! If I leave her on the floor she will hurt herself so not sure what to do.

I do feel for ds as well, it's very hard on him...

Anyway have a smiling girl today, what a difference a good nights sleep makes, plus I think she's enjoying the fact that ds has gone back to school and there's no one to share my attention with


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Crazy Spaniel, I'm so sorry things are still really tough.  I completely sympathise with your situation at the moment and I know it's incredibly tough.  Wyxling rejected us, me in particular, almost completely for a long time and it was incredibly hard to know the best way of dealing with the behaviour and self-harm.  You absolutely do  need an ongoing support plan in place before applying for the AO as post adoption support can be flakey at best.  I understand it's really hard to get support when you have a toddler, who're all difficult to a point anyway, and when they tend to be OK in SW's company.  People often just fail to get how severe the behaviour is, because it's hard to get that across, and most of the behaviours are ones that are very normal for toddlers, they're just turned up to such a high level it stops being in any way normal. 

We recorded Wyxling when I was on my own with her in the end to try and get the point across that she wasn't having normal tantrums, she was really raging, and the self-harm wasn't attention seeking (her SW maintained this for months and it so clearly wasn't) but something more serious.  Is this something you could do without her noticing?  It might help you to get your point across.

I did restrain Wyxling to stop her hurting herself, or seriously hurting me, and although it would make her rage, we would get out the other side with her calmer.  A lot of Wyxling's blow ups were and are down to self-regulation problems and sometimes I just need to step in and say no, you need to come and sit with me now, and insist, no matter how hard she fights.  I hold her like a baby, sit her on my lap sideways on (never had any luck using a blanket, it just turned into a farce getting her into it) and hold her hands if I need to, to stop her hitting.  One hand under her legs so I can take the power out of any kicking - she can kick me but with her shins on my upper arms she doesn't really hurt me - and her head cradled in the crook of my arm.  I only use as much power as I need to at any given time, so if she starts to calm I'll stop holding her as hard and start to just loosely hold her hands and stroke them, and just keep her there, stay very calm, sometimes I sing to her and rock her, lots of sympathy afterwards for how she was feeling, how cross she was, how hard it is when she can't get her own way, but Mummy loves her and will always keep her safe.  She used to reject that as well and I just persevered and kept telling her how wonderful she was, and how lovely, kind, clever and gentle, and that I would always be there to protect her.  

We were told to really push gentle and after she'd calmed really encourage any sort of gentle touch, stroking, pretending to do raindrops with fingers, anything like that, and that this was much better than teaching a child to apologise (although not as socially acceptable I will agree) and actually this has really helped.  We encourage her to do anything that she needs to be gentle to do and really praise any gentle touch even if it's accidental.

Not really sure what else to say, clearly you need professional help, but trying to think of anything that helped us, because although things aren't perfect and Wyxling is still very defiant, she has made massive progress and continues to do so.

If you want to chat at all, please do message, it's incredibly lonely and scary having a child you love so much who you can't protect from themselves, and soul destroying when they continue to reject everything you try and give them.  It does get easier, with the right help, it really can get much much better quite quickly.  It's just that you have to pretty much bang Social Services door down to get the help you need.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks Wyxie  (although I am crying again now  )!

That's the other thing, I cry, I'm a crier, if I'm angry/ upset/ worried I cry... So anytime I try to talk to sws about how things really are I am highly likely to find my eyes leaking with the result that the PASW seems to be ready to march me off to drs for anti ds.... 
I am not depressed, nor have I ever been Nd I'm fairly certain that medicating me will not help  

Being a birth parent myself I never thought I'd say this but I'm likely to punch the next person who says 'all children do that'! Yes they do to some extent but this is NOT NORMAL!!

Will pm you when I get more time xx


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