# Families - any advice on dealing with?



## deborahgrace (Oct 28, 2011)

Just a rant after a difficult wknd! My brother and sister-in-law shocked me 3 months ago when announced they were expecting their 3rd baby - thought they were stopping at 2. This weekend they told me my niece (my other brother's first daughter) is expecting so my brother will be a grandad before I get to be a Mum. I know it's not a competition but it's just really hard to stomach. My brothers will have 9 kids between them soon and I feel hopeless and a failure. I am grumpy from giving up caffeine and alcohol (well just about!). I dealt well with my pregnant sister-in-law this wkdn and everyone was trying to avoid too much baby talk but it has hit me since getting home   How do i stay sane and loving when I feel so angry?


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

its such a difficult one! my 2 brothers have had 5 children between them since we started trying.  One sil  had a 4 month old baby when she fell pg again   .    Personally i try to remember that i have a choice about how i feel (know that's hard).  Infertility is hard enough thing to live with but being angry only makes matters worse.  I love my brothers and am pleased that they are not in my situation, even if i am a bit jealous.


My dh gave me some good advise.  He said dont make it bigger than what it is! meaning that u don't have to act over the moon when someone announces their pg, just say congratulations and leave it at that!


Good luck xx


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

coweyes said:


> My dh gave me some good advise. He said dont make it bigger than what it is! meaning that u don't have to act over the moon when someone announces their pg, just say congratulations and leave it at that!


Coweyes just want to say that is fantastic advice! Wish I'd heeded that over the years. Always felt I had to overcompensate to be happy for friends/family to make sure I didn't come across as jealous/upset etc.. when reality was I was  This then made me feel even more retched  Your DH is so right just leave it at "congratualtions"


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## NatalieP (Mar 5, 2011)

Hi

I love that coweyes will be doing that in future as like you mazv I have over compensated in the past then walked away with jealousy and tears. 

deborahgrace its hard when family members announce they are expecting my DH and I started ttc after his sister had her first that was 2 and a half years ago and she has her second now and I really wanted to be pregnant before her. Its ok to be jealous and angry I know I am sometimes, I personally just try to be the best Auntie ever and when things are getting to much just leave the room take some deep breaths pull myself together and try to keep smiling. Once I am home alone with DH then I can rant and cry.

 remember your not alone.

Nat xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I know its odd isnt it cos i end up over compensating as well.  It makes me feel as if i dont know how to act and that i dont have a natural way of acting around children or pg women.  But he is right, congratulations is appropriate and that nothing else is needed.  I end up being really over the top about it and then i wander why the woman talks to me about it so much, well its my own fault for showing so much interest. xxx


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## NatalieP (Mar 5, 2011)

lol, I think its natural to overcompensate and like you I am very mixed up when it comes to babies and pg women! 

I guess if she talks to you about the pg so much and it really hurts you could gently try and say that your are really pleased for her, and you can't wait to meet the little one but your feeling very tender and fragile about pg and your fertility journey and maybe you could just talk about her pg when your feeling strong enough.

Nat xx


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## deborahgrace (Oct 28, 2011)

Great advice all of you thanks so much! Its great to be able to share with others thank you x


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

mazv said:


> coweyes said:
> 
> 
> > My dh gave me some good advise. He said dont make it bigger than what it is! meaning that u don't have to act over the moon when someone announces their pg, just say congratulations and leave it at that!
> ...


I'm going to use that advice from now on as I always overcompensate, I think probably to hide how I really feel.


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## Dolphins (Sep 29, 2011)

Hi all  

Families can be a nightmare, when it comes to understanding where you may be coming from (in my opinion) esp. around the difficult issue of IF.  Two days ago (once again!) I came off the phone from my sister (who has had IVF herself/ and is now talking about having another one in the future) in tears, as I tried to explain to her how difficult it is going to be to meet my other sister, who has just had her 2nd child, and who will be coming up from down South to visit over the Christmas period.  I said we may come, depending on how I am feeling, but I cannot guarantee it, as all of my rather "huge" family are going to be there, in a BIG family gathering, and all my sister could say was that she "is family", trying to make me consequently feel very guilty, and bad.  When I would do anything for my family (well! maybe not quite anything!).

The rest of my family are all the same, in terms of not being there for me, and all they can talk about are babies, so I am thinking of having a complete break from them.  

How do others, try and get their families to even be halfway supportive?  I would like to hear.

Bye for now.

xxx


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## roxcooper (Nov 21, 2011)

I know how you feel. Last weekend my sister in law annnounced she was pregnant with her 3rd child that she didnt even want!!!!!!! i was so angry and upset because i felt like that should of been mine, and couldnt understand why she got pregnant by mistake, didnt want the child, complains all the time, when i cant even get pregnant!!  

Hurt like hell and i just spent two days crying my eyes out. Its going to be tough to see her go through her pregnancy that she doesnt want, im not going to lie! 

Im not going to be over excited for her and fake my happiness, just will be plesant and cry in my own time. What else can i do??

Its ok, we all are here for you x


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## mclou (May 10, 2011)

hi ladies, i very much sympathise with you all. i posted a link last week on ff but i thought it might be useful to you all.

http://infertilitynetworkuk.com/?id=12172

it is a fact sheet for families and friends, it explains a little more about infertility and how to be around us. my dh and i wanted to put together an info sheet for our parents and siblings about ivf so they know what we are going through, while looking online i found this page. i read it and felt like someone had put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. i think because someone else has written it i didn,t feel like i was just being bossy.
i often feel like my family think im just being overly dramatic or negative and attention seeking. i met someone recently who said to me that basically there are two types of people. people who have suffered from infertility and people who haven,t. the people who have or are suffering understand and the people who haven,t don't understand and never really will.
my husband said to me recently that we have to just look after each other and not worry about other people. he is right.

i don't know about anyone else but we are finding the festive season almost unbearable. it seems like everyone has a baby and is doing lovely family activities. christmas seems to magnify infertility.

roll on january!!

x x x x x x x x x x

/links


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

mclou,

There's a thread for support on FF for people finding Christmas hard to cope with. Feel free to post for hugs and support. Available for everyone 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=277332.0

Hugs to all  
Maz x


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