# Feel alone, like no one understands or cares, and like running away



## TAngell76 (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi
How do you all cope
Feeling like I cant and don't want to carry on
Early Menopause.. diagnosed at 26, but had been having problems for 2/3 year previous to this. I'm now 35. I'm the oldest of 6 children. 
I was divorced last year after 10 years of marriage. It ended when we were offered 3 free IVF cycles. My ex husband decided a month before we were due to start to end our marriage and move out. 
Last year my brother had a baby... with a girl he'd been seeing for 2 weeks when she fell pregnant, it didn't work between them and she has moved back to New Zealand with the baby. 
2 ladies at work have just been through IVF. Both successful. One just born the other due in a few months.
The latest, my 19 year old sister announced she has 'accidentally' fallen pregnant, with her boyfriend whom she was just about to finish with. It sounds horrible but I cant talk to her, don't want to know about her and her scans and midwife stuff. It all hurts too much. My mum decided today to tell me that I'm being selfish and that my sister needs me. but I cant. Just the thought of speaking to her makes me feel physically sick.
My current boyfriend doesn't understand. He said at the beginning that he wanted kids one day, would be happy to try IVF in the future, but then after 6 months of us being together he announced he too cant have kids. Adoption is an option. But I went through 2 years of courses with my ex husband just to have to put it on hold (because of his children from a previous relationship) and then they lost our case file (well, that is what my ex told me, I should have verified myself I guess)
Sorry thats all jumbled all over the place... I'd just like to know how anyone else copes... and whether running away is a realistic option....


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi *TAngell76*,

So sorry to read of your ttc story and how it's making you feel  .

My story is very different to yours, as are many stories on here, but I'm sure we've all at some point during our ttc journeys felt that overwhelming despair and just wanted to escape from it all... I know when I had a miscarriage after the one and only cycle of ICSI we were entitled to (and a cycle which at that had been immensely stressful due to my totally unexpected dire response) and it looked like it would never happen for us, given our medical issues and the fact we simply had no money to self fund or even save to do so, it felt like I was in one big, deep black hole but that no one was helping me out of it, despite my obvious distress. At times, I'd be crossing the road and just think how nice it would feel to be hit hard by a car, to have the pain knocked out of me. Luckily, I wasn't so lost that I wasn't able to think clearly or really wanted to do anything silly, but it was quite scary and sad to nonetheless be thinking that kind of thing.

It's so hard when people just don't understand why you feel the way you do. It's SO, SO easy for anyone who's never had any fertility problems to presume the worst in you, tell you to pull yourself together, suggest you're being selfish, be completely astounded at things you may, or may not, say or do, dismiss your feelings... They're the lucky ones, and when it's someone close to you, it can hurt so much that they simply don't understand and aren't able to give you the support you need.

No wonder you're feeling so down with everything you've gone through and are still experiencing. I don't think running away per se is the answer though - it won't "solve" the problem and bring you anywhere closer to having a baby. It sounds like you could certainly do with a break though and so a holiday, if possible, would surely do you some good. I know that's probably more of a short-term solution though, so have you ever had or considered counselling?

Are your family aware of your fertility issues? Perhaps you therefore also need to be fair but blunt with them. Tell your mum and sister that deep down you are happy for your sister, it's just knocked you for six when you weren't expecting such news under the circumstances and that you hope they can understand that it's not easy for you to have been desperate for a baby of your own for years now, that you struggle and therefore can't always be as supportive or interested as you'd like to be?

Boys don't always get it. You don't say whether you've discussed IVF and/or adoption in any great detail with your DP. Perhaps you also need to be upfront with him: this is how I feel and this is what I'd like us to do. You don't say that IVF isn't an option, just that your DP also has fertility issues. Would he not be willing to start off the whole treatment process with you again, where you both have tests and then decide on a way forward? MF issues are "easy enough" to overcome, with ICSI, for example.

Well, I'm not sure if I really answered your question, but hope that you can draw support and hope from the site to try and get back to a better place and find a way forward.

xxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi TAngell76, I'm so sorry you have been through such tough times recently, it's hard enough when you have supportive dp's but going through a break up on top of this must add to the pressures of fertility.
Do you and your current dp feel ready to persue your fertility concerns? Are you ready as a couple to now plan for a family? If so then how about discussing things with your dp to set the wheels in motion for perhaps a referral specialist, start some testing if you need it or ivf/icsi...Are you scared of what may happen to your current relationship should you decide to go ahead with tx..? It's understandable if you did. I think a sit down meal and approaching a good chat with dp is the first step if you havn't already. I find having a plan is a big help, keeps me focussed with something to work for. It doesn't have to be a long term plan if you don't feel up to that, it could be what your first step is going to be and the plan after that, say you make an appoinyment to see a consultant and between now and then talk with dp about what the options would be considerable!!
I also think a counsellor may be able to help if you havn't looked in to that yet?! I have just had a course of counselling sessions and do feel a lot better about coping and using stratergies to help with it, putting things in to perspective. Don't get me wrong the emotional pain of infertility is still there but I feel able to cope with those feelings slightly better than before.
Please let us know how you are getting on and if you have made any plans.
Lots of Love.
xx


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