# Do you ever worry that your (potential) child will be bullied because you're gay



## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Before Tom was born I was very blaze about the effect our relationship would have on him.  I figured DP and I were generally lovely people, we'd make faberoony parents and that kids could be bullied for anything.  I reasoned that he was just as likely to be bullied for having a big nose or glasses or mispronouncing a football players name..etc

Now he's here and I have this huge exposed hole in my chest that permanently links to him I feel physically sick at the idea of anything or anyone hurting him in anyway and I worry obsessively that he will be on the receiving end of homophobic bullying.  Is this just me?


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey Lucky,
I think it's perfectly understandable to worry about your kid getting picked on. I feel sick at the thought of any ill befalling our little one and I'm sure that's true of every parent. Kids can be very cruel to each other and any perceived weakness is an in. 

But homophobia will only lessen in our society if it's challenged. The best we can do is equip our kids and trust they'll cope with our love and support.

I don't believe that fear of homophobia should deter people from having kids, that's surely a symptom of internalised homophobia. I do think we have to be prepared to be out and proud and prepared to tackle this issue head-on, and ensure our kids don't grow up in the closet, believing that their family is somehow wrong or lesser. Hatred and oppression of minority groups such as LGBT, Black people, people with disabilities is a control mechanism employed by those who feel their position at the top is threatened.

Teach your son to be proud of his loving family and to educate those who show their ignorance to him through cruelty. He'll help change the world and make it a better place for all of us.

All the best,
Minty
xxx


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## Twinkie (Jan 4, 2009)

Lucky, this came up in our conselling session. DP and I are both secondary teachers and at my school we have a couple of sets of gay parents and a couple of kids who have come out in the last year or so. Certainly by the time they get to secondary school age, kids seem to be far too wrapped up in their own lives to worry to much about anyone else's home life and to be honest there are so many combinations of family and parents/steparents/brothers/sisters that any number of parents of any gender seems fine by them.  
I could be wrong, we are still at the ttc stage but in my experience kids do seem to bully for the smaller things, god forbid you come into school in the wrong colour leg warmers!!!
Twinkie x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hiya

I think we all worry about this but as Minty and Twinkie says kids do get picked on the smallest things now a days and gay family's are now so much more accepted in sociaty...

Also have you trieded joining one of the rainbow familys groups?? Dunno if you have one in your area our local one is in Brighton and they have regular meet ups.. 

Em x


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Thank you for the replys and advice.  Intellectually I know you are completely right, it's purely an emotional response, I think where he is concerned I might be a control freak  .  

I have now made a note to research the colour of his future leg warmers   and we are looking into joining the local rainbow families.

Thank you


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## Alison0702 (Apr 7, 2006)

*Lucky* I was actually just thinking about this about an hour ago then I logged on here and saw your post. I worry about this also, until I read replys like the ones from Minty and Twinky and it stops me worrying as much  The way I feel about my boys is that if anyone touched them I would kill them but I would imagine most parents feel the same 

*Lesbomum* Theres no rainbow groups in Newcastle  I only know one set of gay parents in my area but thats it..there must be some more geordies out there with little ones but I cant find them


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

i do worry about this too. you just have to have faith that it's going to be ok. like anything bad that can happen to a child, you just have to do what you can to mitigate the risk, equip them to deal with it etc.

there is a meet somewhere near the M62 this weekend. see _here_. not sure how near/far from you that is. anyway, all are welcome, but please log on to gingerbeer and say hello first  evelet and i will be there with the boys


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Pah! We're away this weekend, otherwise we'd have been up for that. Hope you have a good time, all.


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

poo! well, everyone seems quite keen so i'm sure there'll be another one soon minty  we'll let you know...


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Today the clinic told me our FET will happen on Tuesday (this is our remaining chance for another child) either this news or the drugs I'm on mean I'm here at 2.08 in the morning and not happily asleep in bed :-

Anyway the Yorkshire meet up sounds fab, thanks a million for letting me know, unfortunately it's also Manchester Pride this weekend.  Bit like buses really, no North West gay outings for ages then potentially 3 in 8 days.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

This had crossed my mind, as my child (hopefully) will have a single mother and 2 Daddies (my donor and his partner), but my (gay) hairdresser said to me that he thinks same sex couples are the the better parents and will be able to support the child  more if the situation of bullying arises, as they have probably experienced the same things themselves in life or at school.  But to be honest families come if all shapes and sizes these days I think that children are more accepting.

L x


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2009)

Children get bullied for a million and one reasons and I don't think the potential for homophobia should ever get in the way of you having children. We went to stay with some friends recently and their DS is 5 weeks older than our DS and is a very physical and aggressive child (have no idea why as his parents are lovely) and he hit DS loads of times during our stay. I felt this overwhelming desire to protect him from everything that life will throw at him and I realise that I can't and it would be very detrimental to him if I tried to. DS has no idea at the moment that the 2 people that are bringing him up are any different to any of his friends who have a mum and dad. Some of the kids at his childminder have asked and they now know that he has a Mummy and Mammy. My niece is 3 and she is also starting to ask where DS' daddy is. 
As a couple we have never made a big deal about being gay and think that is why we have never had any negative attitudes from anyone. We will bring DS up with the same attitude and hope that he will be more understanding and accepting of the differences in everyone that comes into his life. I sometimes worry that we have only a couple of gay friends and neither of them have kids and maybe it would be a support to him as he gets older to know other children with gay parents, but then I guess he will make his own friends who will support him.


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## sarahstewart (Aug 4, 2005)

Sorry to barge in here!!!

My brother has 4 children when the youngest was 2 his marriage broke down as he came out as being gay.  His wife left him and the kids   and he brought them up....the youngest is now 14.  For the last 12 years he has lived with his partner.

When the oldest two started senior school they had a few comments ...we live in a rural area not 'the big smoke!' but by the time the youngest two started senior school no one mentioned a thing.

I have the same feeling when I think of my LO starting school etc and getting bullied...but that's a long way off yet.

SarahX


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

No barging in, you are very, very welcome, especially when you come with such positive stories.

I have genuinely been very comforted by the things posted here and the messages I received, particularly those based on personal experience.  I think I see things in the media constantly about children being bullied  and you start to believe that all children are monsters (with the obvious exception of your own of course) just looking for an excuse to launch into your child, I guess things in the news like those two boys from Yorkshire don't help.  It's nice to be told that this skewed image is well skewed.

We have never made a big thing about being gay and I never thought our son would have issues from us, I was just scared of the rest of the world that I can't control.  But I think I'm probably selling our son short by not factoring him into the equation.  So far he is a very confident, sociable, indpendent and gregarious chap, just the type of person to stand up to bullies infact      Now thats a much nicer thought.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay ladies

totally can relate to a very strong sense of wanting to protect my LO .... a child around 8  years old accidentally stumbled into the pram the other day, he didnt hurt the baby, the pram is quite spacious and he missed her, but i was instantly sooo angry and really had to calm myslef down cos he was only small, was an accident, and no one got hurt!!   

there is some very helpful information in margot sunderland's book the science of parenting about bullying.  not necesarily homophobic just general. if you have a strong sense of 'okyness' those kind of hurtfull comments dont stick.  although we all have areas of sensitivity where comments can still hurt.

axx


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