# Feelings towards partners/spouses?



## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

This is my first time posting in this bit.  We have bee ttc for 3 years now after my oh had a vasectomy reversal (he already has 3 children with his ex-wife). AF showed yesterday so thats another month gone.  Although we have had tests, they can't seem to find anything wrong apart from me being overwight.   I think we have decided we don't want to go down the fertility treatment route (I doubt they would do anything on NHS as my BMI would be too high), and also after paying out for the reversal, we can't really afford to go private. So, right now we are dealing with the fact that it is just unexplained infertilty, and we may never conceive. 
Sorry about me rambling. 
We are both so happy in our marriage, and I have a very close relationship with my stepchildren. But sometimes I watch other couples who have had children together, and they seem to have this special connection.  I sometimes wonder if my oh would love me more and want to protect me more if I was the mother of his children. I don't feel like there is anything missing in our relationship, but I just want to feel that connection, to share that bond. 
Sorry, I sound a bit silly - its just something that has been on my mind for a while now.  No need to reply. xx


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

Hi Flow sorry to hear your struggles.  
My hubby too had a vasectomy reversal and has two previous kids...
His most recent sperm analysis came back pretty good and we haven't managed to conceive.
They too couldn't find anything wrong. BUt each month of period showing up was devastating time after tiem for 3 years so I had enough.

This weekend I am starting my injections for ICSI IVF and feelin very nervous.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Have you been trying long? Are you and hubby on any vitamins?
Vitamins I would recommend to you are Wellman Conception and pregnacare conception for you.
Are you much over the BMI of 30 if you don't mind me asking?
Do you have regular periods and do you know when you ovulate?

xxx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

HI Stacey, thanks for your reply.

We have been trying for 3 years, take vitamins, my cycles are 29 days. The only issue is my weight.  I would say BMI is a* bit  * over 30. I am coming to accept the not being able to conceive (I think). I just worry sometimes that if we can't/don't have children then things will change with our relationship. Even though I know this is daft, cos when we first got together and then married we had never even considered ttc or oh having a reversal. But its just soemthing that is always at the back of my mind. x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

flow - "We are both so happy in our marriage, and I have a very close relationship with my stepchildren. But sometimes I watch other couples who have had children together, and they seem to have this special connection.  I sometimes wonder if my oh would love me more and want to protect me more if I was the mother of his children."

flow remember that every relationship everyone has with anyone else (parent, child, wife, friend, partner, anything) is unique. It is not dependent on any other relationship. 

When people have children (i haven't any yet, mind, i'm not 'showing off'!) they don't love the first child less when the second child shows up. Love isn't divided up amongst the people you know. When you form a new relationship (of whatever kind) then a 'new love' is born specially and only for that person. 

If you had children, your DH wouldn't love you more because of it, he would just love them. His feelings about you are based on your relationship with him and the quality of that. You'd probably get less of his time and attention, not more. But not 'more' or 'less' of his love. Don't mix up love with attention, it's not the same thing. If you want more love and protection you can't use 'having a child' to get it, because it doesn't work like that. Who protects your DH? Is it you? Do you see him 'protecting' his stepchildren and being 'the responsible man' around them but then turning into little boy needs looking after when he comes back to you? Does he want you to mother him, because he's tired (by then) of being the responsible one? I'm hazarding a guess here, could be way off track. However if this is the case you can't 'turn the tables' by having a baby to magic him into staying the responsible one so you can be looked after. He would probably just become resentful. The 'baton' of being the grownup in the relay of relationships is something that has to be shared equally between adults. Guessing your DH needs you to be an adult ( ie, not need his protection) rather than an extra one of the stepkids. 

having said all that i really hope you get your dream of having a baby,     because i understand that wish. x


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

when I first got with hubby I didn't want kids.. or so I thought.
The more I fell in love with him the more I wanted his baby!

If you really want a child it will affect your relationship eventually, you seem pretty level headed (more than I was!) at the moment and after a few years it really got me down, watching my hubby play with my nephews, be with his son/daughter, it ate me up inside I wanted to see him making OUR child giggle and laugh and most of all I wanted US to be a family. 

I imagine there woudl be a waiitng list on the NHS for IVF.
We weren't eligible for IVf as hubby had had the vasectomy and had previous kids so we've had to go private...  that bluddy well annoyed me just cos he had kids we had to pay-WHAT ABOUT ME?


I'm not sayin look into IVF now but now I've accepted I'm off down that route now...I can't wait.
I'm sharing half of my eggs which means my ful IVF treament is only £700 its not just the price reduction of the IVF (which we'd never be able to afford in a million years) but the chance to help another lady struggling to conceive.

I think it's good you get on with your stepkids, I struggled wiuth my nightmare 17 year old stepson but thats another story!

Anything you think might be harbouring your chances of conceiving knock it on the head so your conscience is clear that you are doing everythin you can to help yourselves along...
I for example quit smoking last year.

Hope it works for you hun I know how rubbish it can be


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

goldbunny - I don't want more attention from my oh, and I am an adult in our relationship - very much so. I also don't want a child to get more love or 'protection' from my oh. We both came to a decision of wanting a child together. I would never want a child for the reason of wanting more love from my oh.  I am not like that at all. And as I said, our relationship is a happy one.  We are both so in love, and have been through a lot to even be together. As I also said, there is nothing at all missing from our marriage.  Ian is the person I trust, the one I turn to.  He is the one I think about when I wake up, and before I go to sleep.  I don't need/want children to make our marriage stronger, because right now it couldn't get much stronger. And when oh's children come to stay with (every weekend and holidays) we are a family unit - a very close one.  And whether his children are with us or not, he never switches off from being a dad, and I never switch off from being a stepmom.  A recent event has made us more closer as a family.  I don't want his protection as in, I want to be treated like his children.  Protection/looking after goes both ways in a relationship.  I would do anything to stop him from getting hurt/hurting emotionally, and I know he would do the same for me.  That is how we are - and yes we are both adults.  If we can't conceive then I would still love Ian as much as I do, and I know he feels the same.  We have talked about this a lot. I don't want to be a parent with just anyone, I want to share that with the man I fell in love with. I don't want to be the 'looked after' one.  I am quite capable of looking after myself.  

Maybe I didn't make it clear - I would imagine that for a man, being there, watching his wife/partner giving birth to his child is something that is beyond explanation. For a couple to share that moment must be one of the most wonderful things in the world.  I know my oh doesn't have any feelings whatsoever for his ex-wife. But I am aware that they have this bond they have shared by having 3 children together. They are connected to each other in more ways than just their marriage, they are connected because they have had children together.  They have shared somethin so wonderful and pecious, that it would change their relationship with eachother.  Having children is something I want to share with ian so much,. I want us to have that bond,  for us to both be there for one of the most wonderful things in the world.  I am not jealous of his ex-wife - we have a different relationship compared to what he had with his ex.  But, I do want us to have that together.  
Thanks Stacey - I hope it works our for you too.xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Flow

Sorry to hear about your difficulties  Infertility and relationships can sometimes be difficult to juggle can't it. As Staceyemma says, it sounds like you are being very level headed about it all, in coming to terms with things. So your main issue right now seems to be your worries over your relationship. As you say, you have a very happy marriage, and get on well with your stepchildren, so that's a great start.

Before DH and I embarked on this exhausting journey we went to Relate. To cut a _very _ long story short we had differing opinions on starting a family and so we felt it would help us come to a decision - which is did. One of the things the Relate lady told us was that no matter which path we take (babies/no babies), because I'd had the thought of starting a family, our relationship could never be the same again (obviously there was a lot more to that conversation but that was the gist of it) - as those thoughts don't just go away, however that didn't stop DH and I loving each other. So it's all about choosing the right path for you - the metaphorical fork in the road. Before you reached that fork in the road you loved your OH, and he loved you, regardless of babies, or baby making abilities. That was the fundermental foundation to your marriage. I know it's hard but you need to try and remember how things were before the 'baby issue' came along, and 'know' that you can carry on the same way whatever the outcome. This would be harder for someone who is not in a strong relationship, as they have nothing to fall back on, but for you, me, Stacey and any others with a strong happy marriage we have to remember the real reason we got together with our partners - not to necessarily make babies, but to live a long, happy and loving life together.

So now I'm rambling lol!! But all I'm trying to say is that your OH won't love you any less if you don't have a baby together, your love might be _different _ if you had a baby, but it won't be lessened just because you don't. If anything it'll hopefully make you stronger together as you'll have had to face one of the most difficult challenges life can throw at you - and you're there for each other and although different to the 'baby bond' that's what gives you a special bond with each other 

Neither my DH or I have stepchildren so I can't fully relate to your feelings, so I'm sorry if I don't make sense or have said anything inappropriate? But I do know the feeling of watching other couples with their babies/children and wishing that for myself and DH.

Big hugs  xx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Thank you NosilaB.  I think that is what I was trying to say really.  
We are so very strong in our relationship, but I do worry that it will change because of ttc.  I think that is why we have decided to not go down the treatment route.  For the past 4 years really (leading up to the reversal, and afterwards) we have been very much focussed on ttc.  For the past month or so, our minds have been on other things and, although it was not a good thing we were focussed, it was as though the 'old' us  was back. Babies and ttc never entered my head.  I think for a lot of people ttc can put so much pressure on a relationship, that some people have the assumption that one you conceive the relationship will get stronger because that pressure has gone.  I think I had/maybe still do have this assumption.  On down days (which I am having a week of right now   ) it seems the only way to be happy is to conceive.  Even though I know this isn't true at all.  I have so many wonderful people in my life and I have so many things to be thankful for,.  But sometimes, these other feelings take over for a while.
I don't know about anyone else, but infertility has affected me (and Ian) in so many ways.  My self-confidence has been knocked. Some days I feel like such a failure - I look in the mirror and that is all I can see. So that then gets me wondering about what Ian sees. And even though he says all the right things, sometimes its hard to agree with him (blooming hormones!).  I think some days I sound like a nutter   . lol. x


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Flow13 said:


> I think some days I sound like a nutter  . lol. x


Actually, you sound a lot like me  I am also in a wonderful marriage, with a man who would make a brilliant father. He probably _would_ be a father if he hadn't married me, and that is always on my mind. We haven't let them down, but on our darkest days it certainly feels like it...


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi Stubborn, it does. Even though my oh has children already, I still feel like I am at fault. x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Flow

Yep I know what you mean, sometimes I can the odd day/week when I feel like we're back to the 'old us' before ttc was even on the agenda, and it feels lovely  But then like you, I have weeks when I'm totally down in the dumps and nothing anybody can say or do can make things feel better for me - even though I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful loving DH, who loves me unconditionally with or without children - but most of the time I can think of nothing else other than ttc  Wouldn't it be great if we could have an 'off' switch?! I do sometimes really wish I could take us back to a time before ttc, before the baby thoughts even entered my head. We had 12 amazing years without one baby thought popping up, but for the last 3 years it's been _babies _ _babies _ _babies_! Life was so much easier and straightforward back then, whenever anybody asked us if we were going to have a baby I'd quite happily answer "nope! there are enough children in my family, we don't need to add to them, DH and I are quite happy with it being just the 2 of us thanks!"....oh those were the days, would never have imagined in a million years I'd be where I am now, feeling the things I do. Funny ol' life eh!

A few weeks back when I was having a bad day I just couldn't stop crying, and I was worried that DH was going to get fed up with me and leave! I told him this and he reassured me he would never leave but said he just wanted his wife back, i.e. the happy-go-lucky smiley person he married, the person I used to be before infertility. So yes I'd agree, infertility has definitely affected me and has changed who I am for sure. I sometimes hate myself for the thoughts that go on in my head, or for not feeling 'happy' at someone's pregnancy or birth announcement - that's what makes me feel like a nutter! 

My DH is always saying "bloomin' hormones! I'll never understand them!" lol 

xx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Flow

Yep I know what you mean, sometimes I can have the odd day/week when I feel like we're back to the 'old us' before ttc was even on the agenda, and it feels lovely  But then like you, I have weeks when I'm totally down in the dumps and nothing anybody can say or do can make things feel better for me - even though I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful loving DH, who loves me unconditionally with or without children - but most of the time I can think of nothing else other than ttc  Wouldn't it be great if we could have an 'off' switch?! I do sometimes really wish I could take us back to a time before ttc, before the baby thoughts even entered my head. We had 12 amazing years without one baby thought popping up, but for the last 3 years it's been _babies _ _babies _ _babies_! Life was so much easier and straightforward back then, whenever anybody asked us if we were going to have a baby I'd quite happily answer "nope! there are enough children in my family, we don't need to add to them, DH and I are quite happy with it being just the 2 of us thanks!"....oh those were the days, would never have imagined in a million years I'd be where I am now, feeling the things I do. Funny ol' life eh!

A few weeks back when I was having a bad day I just couldn't stop crying, and I was worried that DH was going to get fed up with me and leave! I told him this and he reassured me he would never leave but said he just wanted his wife back, i.e. the happy-go-lucky smiley person he married, the person I used to be before infertility. So yes I'd agree, infertility has definitely affected me and has changed who I am for sure. I sometimes hate myself for the thoughts that go on in my head, or for not feeling 'happy' at someone's pregnancy or birth announcement - that's what makes me feel like a nutter! 

My DH is always saying "bloomin' hormones! I'll never understand them!" lol 

xx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Flow

Yep I know what you mean, sometimes I can have the odd day/week when I feel like we're back to the 'old us' before ttc was even on the agenda, and it feels lovely  But then like you, I have weeks when I'm totally down in the dumps and nothing anybody can say or do can make things feel better for me - even though I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful loving DH, who loves me unconditionally with or without children - but most of the time I can think of nothing else other than ttc  Wouldn't it be great if we could have an 'off' switch?! I do sometimes really wish I could take us back to a time before ttc, before the baby thoughts even entered my head. We had 12 amazing years without one baby thought popping up, but for the last 3 years it's been _babies _ _babies _ _babies_! Life was so much easier and straightforward back then, whenever anybody asked us if we were going to have a baby I'd quite happily answer "nope! there are enough children in my family, we don't need to add to them, DH and I are quite happy with it being just the 2 of us thanks!"....oh those were the days, would never have imagined in a million years I'd be where I am now, feeling the things I do. Funny ol' life eh!

A few weeks back when I was having a bad day I just couldn't stop crying, and I was worried that DH was going to get fed up with me and leave! I told him this and he reassured me he would never leave but said he just wanted his wife back, i.e. the happy-go-lucky smiley person he married, the person I used to be before infertility. So yes I'd agree, infertility has definitely affected me and has changed who I am for sure. I sometimes hate myself for the thoughts that go on in my head, or for not feeling 'happy' at someone's pregnancy or birth announcement - that's what makes me feel like a nutter! 

My DH is always saying "bloomin' hormones! I'll never understand them!" lol 

xx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Nosila, my oh says he knows when I have pmt - its me being me but 10 times worse!  Cheeky thing. 
If we didn't our oh's I am sure it would be boring.


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