# Coping with Family / Friend's pregnancy and birth announcements



## lucy2831

A colleague announced she was pregnant today, she is lovely and am really pleased for her but I had to fight back the tears. Then slipped off to quiet room at work for a sob. I feel awful that I reacted that way. She doesn't realise and would hate for her to know i was so upset, but babies and pregnant women seem to be everywhere at the moment!!

Am trying so hard to 'get on with it' and be ok and really don't want work and personal life being related but it is soooo hard. Am really worried that someone is going to tell me one da they are pregnant and I wont be able to stop myself crying in front of them which I would hate. 

I fee like i am waiting and dreading the next person telling me they are pregnant, and keep trying to predict who will be next and prepare myself! I know this is something that lots of people can relate to, how do other people deal with it and protect themselves and others from the upset??


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## Mrs Davies

Hi Lucy

First of all sorry to hear about your upset! I dont really know what to advise u but what i can say is that i relate to what you are going through. I have been trying to find a solution myself of how to deal with this but i think i have kind of got it in my head now that it is something that is always going to be hard!!
Even if my closest friends or family have a baby or get pregnant i get upset even though i am happy for them , it is very hard !
My partner even has a child from a previous relationship which is very difficult for me sometimes because i dont know how i am going to cope with that for the rest of my life if my ivf doesnt work - but i dont like thinking about that too much !
If you ever need to talk hun let me know xxx Sometimes talking just helps doesnt it xxx


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## criverisland

Hi Lucy, i know how you feel  you want to be happy for them but your bursting to cry . it can feel like there rubbing your face in it a bit especially if they know your situation. I have had lots of those moments where i have cried buckets and feel terrible. Try not to dwell on it to much hun im sure your time will come 


Claire xx


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## jenx

Hiya I can relate to your feelings, I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom of how you can deal with it but its something that I am struggling with myself.

Just today a work colleague has texted me to say that she had a baby girl yesterday and a friend who is pregnant has texted about five minutes ago to say she has just found out she is having a girl.

I really am so pleased for them both but it doesnt stop me from feeling so desperately sad at the same time.

Take care, and hope you are feeling bit brighter now x


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## Emily1971

I can totally relate to that, ive had 2 women at work announcing their pregnancies and having their babies and bringing them in to work to show them off.  And my partners 2 brothers gfs have given birth recently.  I dont know how i will cope when my sister announces she is pregnant as I know she is trying.  I think that will be the most difficult thing for me as i want to be a good auntie etc.  At the moment i think i just put it to the back of my mind and try to forget about it and think about things.  

xxx


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## staceyemma

I have a preganant lady in our office but she too has suffered miscarriages and PCOS so her pregnancy was a blessing Im happy for her but yes it is hard Ive been trying now for 3 years.... 
Starting treatment cant come soon enough for me. My sister 2 years younger has just given birth to baby number 4   xxx

What would I do without Fertiltiy Friends? you're all so great here   xxx


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## coweyes

It's such a difficult thing. My dh gave me some great advise, he said don't make it bigger than what it is. Just say congratulations and leave it at that.  It's only us who put pressure on ourselves to say more and act as if it's bigger than it really is.  X x


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## NatalieP

Hey lucy2831

I know that feeling the last time someone announced their pregnancy I managed to hold it together then got home and sat on the floor and cried like I would never stop. It felt like such a punch in the stomach. 

I always try and think after my cry they don't know about my infertility and that I should be happy for them. It's really hard I know but you just have to smile for them.



Nat xx


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## Caz

Here's a starter thread for you to support and share ideas on how to help each other deal with those heart crushing pregnancy and birth annoucements. Please feel free to use this thread, or start new ones of your own for more specific support if you wish. 

C~x


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## kirstykb1

hi my sister in law is pregnant and due in march i am very close 2 her and although at 1st wen she told me she was pregnant i felt like sum1 had stabbed me in the heart i have learnt to bury these feeling and have done a total 360 by means of becoming fully involved going baby shoppin with her buying her a pink moses basket and all the pink clothes u can find maybe in a way living my fantasy thru her sad i no but i prefer this than 2 b resentful
kirsty


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## Irish Dee

Hello lovely ladies,

This is an old post I wrote a few years back. Hope it helps.

Dee 
*******************************
*OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:*

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them. And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy. I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world. It is the thing that we share on FF.

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## willo148

Oh how I'm so glad I've found this thread today! 

My story isn't as far advanced as some (i.e. I haven't started treatment yet) but it doesn't make it any more easier for me to cope with things! I got the text last night, that I've had 4 times in the last 6 months, from my friends announcing the arrival of their beautiful little girl - and my heart sank again   
Why oh why can't any of us be as happy as they are, and have a 'normal' body which bloody works - it makes me so mad and upset at the same time. I've known for years that I'm never going to have children the easy way (I was diagnosed with POF at 1 but it only really hit me until my friend was pregnant 3 years ago, and every annoucement since has been like knifes through my heart.   Unfortunately I don't think my partner even understands how I feel - he just says, 'our time will come' but it eats me up to think it could take years to have a child, and I'm not getting any younger  

Sorry for the rant - just needed to let some steam off, and as I work in an all male environment - this is the easiest way to do it!!

xx


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## irishpete

Irish Dee - thanks for your comments, they're on the ball and I will show them to my DW who is struggling, as am I with the frequency of pregnancy announcements from friends and work colleagues.

We are of course pleased for them, and would not wish what we have gone through on anyone else but it is really hard to accept the news.  But it is one hell of a blow every time.  Especially because making babies seems so straightforward for them...

We are going down the donor conception route now but only in the early days of tests and scans.  It takes so long as well which is painful.  We probably won't be doing the IUI till March given the progress so far.  Plus we're funding this ourselves, so costly.

I told my DW that we've got to stay positive.  It may take time but hopefully it will work out for us too.  Its easy to say it, but its hard to accept.


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## littlepigeon67

Irish Dee - Brilliant post, my thoughts exactly! Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy.

To everyone on this thread - wishing you all strength and courage and the families that you long for! Thank goodness for this website, it's a lifeline for all of us!

LP xxxxx


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## xxx_gema_xxx

Hi

I totally no how you are feeling my older Brother told me he was having another baby (due in April) then my younger brother yes my younger brother is having a baby (due in June) then you just have me who has been trying for 3 years with unexplained infertility..and everybody on my ******** seems 2 be becoming pregnant...we just have to try stay strong as much as its hard 

xxx


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## butterfeena

My DP hasn't told me when female partners of his friends have got pregnant - then I get invited to a baby shower via ******** and tell them I didn't even know - kind of embarrassing. I know he is trying to spare my feelings but finding out like that made it even worse.

Had a client yesterday for reflexology who I've seen for a while on and off. yesterday she came in because she had got pregnant by accident and hd an abortion last week and wanted treatment to help rebalance her hormones and help her emotionally. Of course i was a consummate professional and acted in her best interests but that smarted inside.


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## littlepigeon67

Crikey butterfeena - that must have been really hard! bet you wanted to give her a piece of your mind! Well done for staying neutral and professional - after all there are people out there who do not want children, but you would think that they would have had the intelligence to use precautions - it's not rocket science is it!!

Best wishes to you all girls

LPxx


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## elli78

irish dee - i dont mean to butt into your thread, i hope you dont mind but i wanted to say how true those words were. in fact i was crying when i read them to dh, he said dont get yourself upset over it all hun. which is his way of saying dont read anymore as i cant control this any more than you can, 
as for the 'announcements'.. my nephew who isn't 21 yet wants the snip as he has a baby of nearly 12 months and another on the way.. how old and not working do i feel...
i've been to the baby showers and cried and cried afterwards. 
i've avoided my nephew as i can't explain to him how i feel,... he's nearly 15 years younger than me and to him he wanted a baby and his gf got preg.. how hard is it. we've heard the ' are you doing it right' comments and they hurt so deep i can't begin to explain them,
anyway sorry to waffle on, 
butterfeena - that must have been the worst thing for you, i bet your emotions were all over the show, it takes a strong person not to break down in that situation
i'm so glad i can read things on here and remind myself i'm not alone - or going mad
xxx


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## butterfeena

Thanks for the replies, yeah it really took my breath away when she told me and then of course I have to do an hour's treatment on the client whilst thinking about it. On the plus side it did make me realise that I rock as a therapist if I'm still able to be empathetic and give a top quality treatment when something like that comes along.

IrishDee - a brilliant brilliant article, thank you.


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## elli78

butterfeena i agree - you should really congratulate yourself
few of us know how difficult that must have been for you. but for those of us girls with fertility issues,,, you do rock.
nice one you
xx


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## butterfeena

elli78 - you just made my day - thank you!


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## elli78

honestly i can't believe how much strength that must have took
i'm bad enough when i hear the dreaded 'oh i'm pregnant and didn't even want a baby' announcement.
honest therapists like you are worth their weight in gold.x


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## lucy2linda

I'm glad I found this thread as I thought I was going slightly mad this weekend. A work colleague has just announced she is pregnant - & then has proceeded to plaster ******** with scan photos. I've considered blocking her but thought I was perhaps over-reacting.
My hubby came in last night & said 'look at this text I've just got!' I read it to find one of our friends has found out he is to become a daddy. Hubby was all ' isn't it great' etc etc. (Hubby already has  a daughter who lives with us 3 days a week & thinks I should be grateful when she clambers over me & tells me she loves me.....)
I cried.
He later apologised & said he didn't think.
To be fair, I don't think I really realised until last night how much it's affected me as I had no warning of how I would feel, the tears just came.

I'm now dreading the 'happens in 3's' as I can't bear to think of who may be the next 12 week announcement (cos it ain't me!)


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## butterfeena

lucy2linda, it might be you one day though? One thing that occurred to me yesterday is who's to say some of the ladies who gleefully announce their pregnancies haven't been through the same long winded roller coaster as us? If and when I'm in that happy position I will be announcing it gleefully cos I know I won't be able to resist - and may put some poor unfortunate in the same position we now find ourselves in.


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## Nosilab

Hi Lucy2831 - sadly I don't have any magic words of wisdom on how to cope with the pregnancy/birth announcment, I wish I did. I spent most of last week crying - and unfortunately not always tucked away in the ladies loos! Firstly it was someone saying to me (after having had a week signed off work with 'stress') "oh hi, you're back! Are you feeling better now?" I just wanted to scream in her face and say "No! I'm not _'better'_, I'll never be _'better' _ - I've just been told I'll never have a biological child of my own!" but of course I couldn't say that, so just had to smile sweetly and say "yes thanks"  . Then I got told that a friend who is pregnant and due to give birth this month has already booked her babysitter for my birthday party in the summer (she also went through IVF, so even though I know she struggled to conceive it still doesn't stop the jealousy I feel for something she has that I want so badly), the 'babysitter' comment was like a stab to the heart as I was hoping to be 8 months pregnant by my 40th birthday party as I had my IVF in December (what a fantastic present that would have been - one to remember forever) but sadly it's not to be - I cried and cried and cried  Then yesterday a work colleague brought her baby in for 'show and tell'! She knows about my struggle to conceive and subsequent treatment - but still wheeled the pushchair in and parked baby right next to my desk! I felt bad but just could not coo over baby or attempt to touch her tiny hand or cuddle her - it would have killed me! I'm really sorry I can't offer any sound advice but would say that FF has been such a lifeline and I don't know what I would have done without it, and I'm so glad I've found this thread.

Irish Dee - I absolutely love your post, everything you've said is so very true, I'm sure everyone on here can relate to what you've said.

Butterfeena - how on earth did you cope in that situation?! I take my hat off to you  I know I would not have been able cope or hold back the tears - you are one strong lady!

Lucy2linda - I have to admit that I had to deactivate my ******** account just after New Year (which was hard as family and friends are now all spread out so it was the one easy way to keep in contact) as I could not bear to see the constant baby pics/comments/scans/announcements, it was too heartbreaking for me. I'm like you and am constantly dreading the next announcement....


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## Plinky

I can't believe I've only just found this thread lol - I've been going insane for months thinking I was just being nasty and selfish when hearing baby news.....

We've been hit quite hard with loads of announcements since we were told I was only able to have IVF babies.... the day I was told I had to go in to hospital for tests during an endo laporoscopy, my brother told us they were having another baby. I was due to travel to my fiances place with them 4.5 hours away a few days after, and I decided I wasn't strong enough to do it (they already have 2 little girls, and the eldest was completely excited with the news - as expected - and at the time was non-stop "new baby") and because I didn't want them to be stuck with a crying wreck (me) the mum went completely mental and shouted and screamed down the phone at me because I was being out of order, selfish and blaming me for her not being able to be happy that she's pregnant (which was new seeing as they only told us less than 24 hours before lol). She just couldn't understand that even though I was happy for them, I needed a bit of space to get over my hospital news first. Gosh, I'm SO evil! 
The baby has been born now and it's been the hardest experience I've ever had to go through, especially seeing as I'm so close to the other girls - it's not like I can try and avoid them..... I think that moment is the reason I feel as s**t as I do about not being able to have kids the easy way....

Then to top it off, an hour after we got home from my op and being told that I had blocked tubes, my fiance's brother and his wife had their baby  

Ever since then, it seems the world and his wife seem to be having babies and the amount of people I've had to hide from my news feed on ******** (although I've been tempted to just delete them) seems to be growing.... some of them seem to be ok, and I'm happy for them, but my god I hate seeing those who moan about morning sickness, or being "fed up" with being pregnant etc or not having a good nights sleep co the baby needs feeding all hours.... and a couple of times I have left a bit of a b****y status about the ungrateful women :/ not very lady-like, but hey-ho.... I've given myself a semi ******** ban lately - if it wasn't for the fact I love my time line, I'd have deleted it. Problem is as I work from home and make most of my money on my business pages, I cant not log in.... plus I'm bored out of my mind so have become a bit addicted to some of the games to pass the time..... it's a very mean social network though and makes me cry my heart out every day. Secretly, of course.... I think I've only been brave enough to cry in front of someone once since october....

It's been quite a struggle for a while though - I've had an idea that there's been something wrong for a few years now but it's not been made official til recently. One of my "best mates" called me a while ago in tears as her and her partner had been trying for a month to get pregnant and it hadn't worked so she thought she wouldn't be able to have kids (my friends and family are aware I had "issues" from my endo).... turns out she knew she was pregnant and 7 months later she had a baby.... it's been downhill ever since then hahaha 

I hate people lol this would be such an easier process if we didn't have to talk to anyone hahaha 

butterfeena, you're an absolute superstar to have dealt with that..... 
Irish Dee.... so far I've tried 3 times to read your post.... and I can't ever seem to get more than 4 lines down without it bringing a lump to my throat cos I know what's coming a few lines down


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## GinaD07

Oh I'm so glad I found this thread! Boxing day just gone, I had this gut feeling my brother and sister in law were pregnant again (they have a little girl and they started trying about the same time me and my dh had been trying-hard to think already that she would be the same age as mine could have been had we also got pregnant)! I was four days late but came on on boxing day morning! So I phoned my mum to see if she knew anything! She didn't think they were so I went to my sister's to join my family in the evening. It was then at my sister's that I found out the not only was my niece pregnant but also my nephew's girlfriend! I couldn't help it, I tried to be brave but cried! In their faces and ran out of the house! Since then in only four months three of my best friends are pregnant, turns out so is my sister in law (my hit feeling was right!) and two girls from work! In four months! And that's seven people close to me, so I'm really feeling like him up there is using me as the butt of a huge joke right now! You would think after that many announcements and births that I would be used to it but as awful as I feel I have cried every time but one! That was for one of my friends who had been trying three and a half years and I was really happy for her and did fill me with some hope! The thing is yes you will always feel bad- I struggle to look at pregnant women! And half my family and friends are so big problem!  but unless they have experienced what were going through they won't completely understand, they can sympathise but not empathise! I can only say that if you need to cry then do it! It isn't something that can be helped, you can only appologise and hopefully they will understand! It's one of the hardest things to go through as infertility for me leaves me feeling powerless and out of control both physically and emotionally! I'm sure most of us feel that way! The important thing is to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and keep moving forward and try to get back into a positive state of mind and destress. With all that's gone on with all the pregnancys about me needless to say I'm a bit of a mess but I have started acupuncture and reiki in hope it will relax me! Really recommend it  xginax


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## GinaD07

Irish Dee thank you do much for your post! Found it difficult to read without crying (i seem to cry alot these days :/) it was an amazing post! 
To everyone that's posted on this thread thank you, I don't feel so alone any more xx


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## lily1980

I'm also so glad I found this thread too - Irish Dee your post completely summed it up for me - thank you!!!  My brother just had his first baby girl last week at the same time that it became very apparent I would have to get my fibroid removed.  My sis in law said when i visit tomorrow that we can bathe the baby - everytime I see the baby I feel heartbroken for myself and I know I will feel it badly tomorow but also going to do it as she is my wee niece and I love her already so will try to enjoy every minute of being with her.  

On a more positve note, I have been a total hermit the last few months and have struggled to see friends with babies etc.  Tonight the girls were going out for dinner and my husband made me go - I was absolutley dreading it.  Now I'm so glad I went - I feel totally perked up (and that's not just the 3 glasses of bubbly I had) and I'm definitely going to keep up the contacts.  It is difficult but for the first time in ages I didn't spend the night worrying/feeling anxious and just enjoyed differnet chat and company.  

Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us xxx


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## Nosilab

Just needed to come on and post to get this off my chest.....

Just heard that a friend of mine gave birth to her baby today.  I've just had my little cry and am now left feeling very low and down in the dumps with that horrible anxious feeling in my tummy    I am happy for her but what makes it worse is I still feel jealous that she's managed to get what I'll probably never have, even though she also had to go through IVF to conceive her baby, so it wasn't easy for her either, so I feel awful for having these feelings.  It makes me sad because her IVF worked first time and mine didn't - I sound like such a horrible person don't I   ?!  Hate feeling this way but I just feel so jealous (horrible word!) and tearful right now.  I knew I'd feel like this when the moment came but it still doesn't stop the feelings....


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## GinaD07

NosilaB I feel for you Hun, big hugs to you xox it is tough when the person whose been going through it all with you gets pregnant! Same thing has kind of happened to me recently, although I haven't got as far as ivf as the hospital messed up and sent us to the wrong clinic-long story which I'm pretty angry about as we've been set back seven months- but in the mean time my friend got her ivf appointment but conceived naturally just before! I phoned her to wish her luck the day before she was due to start and she told me! I had had a lot of people tell me they are pregnant recently so got to say I did feel happy for her but I felt I lost my support if you know what I mean. That's why I joined here. You can't help feeling jealous about it, it's natural that you would so don't beat yourself up about it, just don't give up hope Hun! A friend of mine tried 15 years and fell pregnant naturally! Lol not that that length of time is comforting but what I'm saying is that sometimes when you are least expecting it, it happens! Xx


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## Nosilab

Thanks for your lovely comforting message Gina    I think you're right, that's part of it, that I feel I've lost some of my support now, and also she doesn't have to 'worry' about it anymore, wereas my pain continues.  That must've been such a punch in the stomach for you, phoning your friend to wish her luck and then her telling you her news!  Blimey, that would have knocked me to the ground I think.  Thank you for reassuring me that my thoughts and feelings are natural.  It's horrible isn't it, this whole thing can make you feel like such an evil person - I hate it!  Thank goodness for the hugs and support from the lovely people on FF xx


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## becky70

What a brilliant thread, especially Irish Dee's post. Two months ago I made the decision to stop treatment - I was about to turn 40 and just felt I couldn't take anymore of hopes being raised just to have them dashed. We did five rounds - mixture of IUI, IVF and FET but all failed and no embies left. 
I try so hard to be happy for people but knowing there'll never be happiness for me and my OH is so hard. I hope one day I can just be happy for them because these are people I care about - much loved friends and family. 
Good luck to everyone still trying xx


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## Nosilab

Hi Becky

Irish Dee's post is great isn't it - every word so true.  Trying to be (and remain) happy for friends and family is so difficult isn't it, this is one of the toughest challenges I've ever had to face - and sometimes I don't think I cope very well!    I understand what you mean though, I'd love to be 'normal' again and just be happy for people, the way I used to be before infertility affected my life....but it is hard.  You've been on and incredibly long and difficult journey and just wanted to send you some hugs   xx


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## gem27

Oh where do I start?! I need help  my sister told me this morning she was pregnant and I'm totally heartbroken. She's younger than me and I've always dreamt I would be the one to get pregnant 1st, to make my parents grandparents 1st, that I would be the one to have the most exciting thing ever happen 1st, that I could go through the best thing ever 1st and that I could tell my family and my sister about everything that's happening to me. I'm not making much sense as in floods of tears. I just can't cope. I can't even face talking to my sister or even mum. I'm such a ***** I know but this has really ruined me. I'm not Sven excited about my post stim scans next week anymore. My husband doesn't understand how I can hate the fact she's pregnant so much. I'm totally abnormal I know.


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## coweyes

gem


I am so sorry that you have had such difficult news.  Please remember that at the moment its very roar.  I think the thing that we all forget is that we don't actually need to be super exited for that person.  We just need to congratulate them and be respectful, you don't have to be in on all the exitment.  Even though the news kills you at the moment, there will come a time when you are ok with it and except it.  I don't have sisters only brothers, since we started trying (6 years ago), i have become the aunty to 5 children and that's only on my side!


Please remember that being first really means nothing, the truth is that when you have a child it will be loved just as much by all the family members, your moment will remain just as important.    For me i could not care less about being the first, probably cos i am already the last   , what i care about is my own journey and if i will get there in the end.  


Dh don't understand its just the way it is, but you need him right now so just tell him how you feel and ask him to give you space to work it out, can you go out for a good old stomp, or go up to the hills and scream.  I always have to get out when i hear someone's pg, i go for a jog walk or just down to my local shop to buy some really unhealthy food!


Stay focused and dedicated to your own journey to motherhood, others getting pg, is not really apart of it. xxxxxxxxxx


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## Shoegirl10

Afternoon All,

I can totally sympathise with this thread
After 18 months of fertility investigations and then a BFP on my 1st IVF I then miscarried last week the words "it's no fair" does not seem to scratch the surface with how I am feeling
I have deactivated my ******** as fed up with the baby anouncements and ******** to me is not the place to announce such lovely news! My mum had a stillborn child so to me until that baby is in your arms nothing is ever guaranteed.

I have friends boasting about their pregnancy and going on about their symptoms and complaining and this is even while I was miscarrying!

I dont know if people do it because they are not happy themselves what I do know is that one day we will be pregnant and when that day arrives we will be more humble and have more decorum
xxxx


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## coweyes

Rome sorry to hear about your miscarrage  ^hugme  . Deactivated my ******** account about 2 years ago, one of the best things I did! I still keep the friends that r important but don't feel constantly anoyed with the world about the cOmments they make.


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## Shoegirl10

Hi
******** is the worst invention ever - to me its just people boasting about what an amazing life they have!
Its the best thing I ever did and like you just want a select few friends who I care about and trust
xx


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## coweyes

It's too much of an open forum, with no defined social rules. It's brilliant if your life is going well, but if it's not it can just rub your nose in it!  It began to make me feel angry, I also became obsessed when I though someone was going to announce  their pg. just not the right thing for me to belong to.


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## becky70

Thanks for your kind reply, Nosila, sounds like you have had a tough time - have some hugs back! 
Sorry to read of the hard time others are having, too. So sad to hear about your miscarriage, Rome10.


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## gonefishing31

My sister announced her pregnancy  14wks ago... initially I was over joyed and cried with happiness for her..
as soon as she left I broke down & was uncontrollable for 3 days. I couldnt speak to her, my mum or anyone. The last thing I wanted to do was let her know I was feeling like this so I kept my distance but at the same time cos you do that its kind of obvious how you're feeling to people close anyway.. a week after we had a family meal & she announced infront of everyone her good news.. my heart broke into a million pieces watching my mums face light us as everyone congratulated her on soon being a nanny. The worst thing was my sister had drove us there that day & I was uncontrollably sobbing all the way home.. & then again for 2 more days. Not one word was said that whole journey home, I knew she felt so so awful but just didnt know what to say. I wanted the world to just swallow me up that day..

14wks on & I'm planning to egg share... sis is due in september & If we are accepted & everything goes to plan i have done rough workings out that around early aug I will know if it has been sucessful or not, so the birth of my nephew will come at the worst possible time if it doesnt. I dont want to be jealous, bitter & sad all the time.. I think people get a bit bored of it to be honest..but do they think I like feeling like this?? Sister asked me a week ago if I would organise her baby shower. I just blankly refused & said I would of loved to if this hadnt been such a crucial time in my life (meaning i cant think of anything worse!) of course I will love my nephew but each & everytime I see him its going to break my heart over & over..

Someone just mentioned about 'everyone' being pregnant at the moment... it seems as the years droll on it gets more & more to deal with..

sorry if my post was incredibly depressing.. just been watchinf 'what is fertility' videos on you tube... never sure if its a good idea... 

Thanks for reading my rant xxxx


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## gem27

Oh my goodness gonefishing31. I totally feel your pain and I feel we r taking it in a very similar way. I only fond out yesterday morn and literally havnt stopped crying. Everything u said I can relate to. My sister has her 1st scan Wednesday so will be telling everyone then. I'm struggling to talk to my sis or mum. Only via txt as j just can't bring myself to speak to them im too heartbroken. I hope we can both get through this as I know we love our sisters but also the pain is too much and no one quite understands the pain xxxx sending h big hugs and love for everything ur going through xxxxx


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## Bluething

I'm in the same place with my sister, who is due in August. I'm trying so hard to be there for her and be a good big sister but it's so difficult when she keeps phoning me with updates on morning sickness etc. She also asked me to be at the birth as her husband dislikes blood. I agreed but I already don't know how I will cope    I so badly want to be there for her but it feels like nobody is being there for me... and then I feel bad for being so selfish! 

to all of you- we will get there together because we are sisters and that's what we do


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## gem27

Blue thing again I know what ur going through. I keep thinking what a horrible person I am for having these thoughts and feelings but the truth is even tho my sisters hurting cos in not particularly being there for her in this joyas time who's being there for me. They all say how hard it was telling me and my sister even said she would do anything for it to be me who's pregnant but the reality is if she felt like that then y was she trying to get pregnant. Even tho she's hurting she's getting a baby out of this hurt and I may not! Treatment for me is only a 35-40% chance of success. 
If u guys ever need someone to chat to/ moan or cry on I'm here. I really know how ur feeling and I believe with the support on here we can get through it xxxx


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## gonefishing31

Bluething said:


> I'm in the same place with my sister, who is due in August. I'm trying so hard to be there for her and be a good big sister but it's so difficult when she keeps phoning me with updates on morning sickness etc. She also asked me to be at the birth as her husband dislikes blood. I agreed but I already don't know how I will cope  I so badly want to be there for her but it feels like nobody is being there for me... and then I feel bad for being so selfish!
> 
> to all of you- we will get there together because we are sisters and that's what we do


This is by far the most difficult of announcements ever.. I dont want to ruin her 1st pregnancy..but at the same time how are we supposed to control how we feel.. these outrageous feelings of jealousy, sadness, feelings of 'why me', I have too many questions running around in my head..what have I ever done to deserve this pain? I have never felt pain like the pain of infertility & angel loss. In a way it's nice to know I am not the only one who feels like this but then It breaks my heart even more that other people feel like I do..

My sister & I are so so close with everything.. but this is just so hard.. I wish I knew how to deal with it..I just don't & it's only going to get worse..

My love & thoughts with everyone who is experiencing infertility.. I hope & pray that one day we all get what we want..

at least we all know that we will NEVER once take being a mummy for granted & will appreciate is a million times more than women who sneeze & can get pregnant..

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxx


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## gonefishing31

gem27 said:


> Blue thing again I know what ur going through. I keep thinking what a horrible person I am for having these thoughts and feelings but the truth is even tho my sisters hurting cos in not particularly being there for her in this joyas time who's being there for me. They all say how hard it was telling me and my sister even said she would do anything for it to be me who's pregnant but the reality is if she felt like that then y was she trying to get pregnant. Even tho she's hurting she's getting a baby out of this hurt and I may not! Treatment for me is only a 35-40% chance of success.
> If u guys ever need someone to chat to/ moan or cry on I'm here. I really know how ur feeling and I believe with the support on here we can get through it xxxx





gem27 said:


> Blue thing again I know what ur going through. I keep thinking what a horrible person I am for having these thoughts and feelings but the truth is even tho my sisters hurting cos in not particularly being there for her in this joyas time who's being there for me. They all say how hard it was telling me and my sister even said she would do anything for it to be me who's pregnant but the reality is if she felt like that then y was she trying to get pregnant. Even tho she's hurting she's getting a baby out of this hurt and I may not! Treatment for me is only a 35-40% chance of success.
> If u guys ever need someone to chat to/ moan or cry on I'm here. I really know how ur feeling and I believe with the support on here we can get through it xxxx





Bluething said:


> I'm in the same place with my sister, who is due in August. I'm trying so hard to be there for her and be a good big sister but it's so difficult when she keeps phoning me with updates on morning sickness etc. She also asked me to be at the birth as her husband dislikes blood. I agreed but I already don't know how I will cope  I so badly want to be there for her but it feels like nobody is being there for me... and then I feel bad for being so selfish!
> 
> to all of you- we will get there together because we are sisters and that's what we do


I could of written this post too...

Ditto - we all have days/weeks where we just want to shut out the world, curl up & just cry & cry...& just as you start to feel more posotive.. you get the news someone else is pregnant. Its pure torture xx x x x x x x


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## gem27

It's my sisters 1st pregnancy too and I've had my mum saying to me that what I'm doing is unfair. On my treatment diary on fertility friends I wrote down all the reasons im finding it soooo hard to deal with. I then messaged it to my mum. This was hard to do but I actually feel it got some things off my chest. I'm still not able to get the thoughts if hate out of my head and also the feelings of guilt for being so nasty towards my sister. We were / are so close and I'm worrying that we may grow apart due to this as I really don't want to but can't imagine having to be there for her throughout the different stages of her pregnancy. Ivthink the bump and the labour will be my hardest bits I wanted to go through that 1st


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## gonefishing31

I know Gem.. I think my mum was kind of suprised by my reaction.. There are not enough words to describe the intense feelings that just take over.. You have a friend in me if you need to chat - & that goes for everyone here. I would of completely lost any trace of sanity had it not been for forums like this. Its a chance to speak to ladies who know exactly what we go through.. who knows how to deal with it all.. all we can do is take one day at a time & handle it the best way we can.. which is not at all at the best of times..


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## gonefishing31

_When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me
who has it so tough?
There are many out there
who are evil and cruel.
Yet do You burden them
with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers
a healthy baby boy
then throws him in the garbage
like some old broken toy.
A drug addict
has 3 beautiful little ones
and beats them black and blue
for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman
with already more than she can bear
sighs dissapointedly
when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one, just one
to cherish all my days
And I promise that to You I'll give
all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop
this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child
that I can hold near!_​_[/color]_​_[/color]    _​_[/color]_​


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## Nosilab

Hi ladies

Just reading your posts and they made me feel so tearful for you all    What a horrible, cruel thing infertility is!  Sending you all lots and lots of hugs    I hope you all find some support and comfort in each others posts and experiences, which I'm sure you will, thank goodness you all (we all) have this site - what would we do without it  

gonefishing31, what a very emotional peom, thanks for sharing


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## gonefishing31

NosilaB said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> Just reading your posts and they made me feel so tearful for you all  What a horrible, cruel thing infertility is! Sending you all lots and lots of hugs  I hope you all find some support and comfort in each others posts and experiences, which I'm sure you will, thank goodness you all (we all) have this site - what would we do without it
> 
> gonefishing31, what a very emotional peom, thanks for sharing


Thanks hon - same to you xxxx


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## twinkle81

Hello ladies, 

Im so glad to have found this board! I can relate to how u all feel. Its so hard to put into words the feeling, its not jealously, its not anger, i think for me its just an overwelming sadness i feel wen i hear of others getting pregnant and then wen they have their baby. Im sad that i feel it wont ever b me annoucing pregnancy news, that i cant even say 'yes we're trying for a baby' for all the questions ill b asked by nosey people wen it hasnt happend after a month! Im sad that i wont get to enjoy a pregnancy or c and hear my babys heartbeat and that getting pregnant will b a long rocky uncertain road and not just a quickie on a sat nite!! Most of all im so so sad that i mite take away the chance for my boyfriend to become a parent. Im in tears now just thinking bout it. It wasnt till we had tests did we find hes got problems too but i feel its me with the bigger fertility problem and i feel so useless. I dont want to stop him from fullfilling his parent dream. So if another person tells me they r pregnant im sure ill sit and sob my heart out in saddness. I wish us all gud luck and happiness in our quests x x


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## Nosilab

Hi Twinkle

You're right, it is an overwhelming sadness, that deep in the pit of your stomach type feeling  I often think how wonderful it would be to be the one making the pregnancy announcement, but I have a feeling that will never happen. I had to buy a friend a baby card the other week and I was stood in the queue waiting to pay and the whole time thinking "will I ever get these dropping through my door, welcoming _my _ baby into the world?". If another person tells you they are pregnant log on here and have a good old rant and cry, we'll all understand. Big hugs


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## Shoegirl10

morning all

i know it is really hard and I cant believe how many people get carried away and buy prams etc.. when they are just 8 weeks pregnant
My miscarriage and my mothers still born has taught me that until that baby is in your arms nothing is guaranteed

deactivating my ******** was the best thing I did
I am lucky that I have friends who are supportive but I also dont envy the hard life they have with their children. At the moment I am happy with what I have and if I am blessed with children I will be even luckier
xx


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## gonefishing31

Hey Ladies.. wish I'd never checked this thread.. now fighting back the tears at work - never good.. they must think im such a cry baby..
I will agree that it's actually physically painful.. I too have that ache in the pit of my stomach..
If only these ladies that get pregnant so easily knew the agony we have no choice but  to go through day in day out...
Looked into HR docs yesterday at work.. there is an adoption policy nit no IVF procedure...as its a 'choice of lifestyle'     Dont think I've ever been so angry....    I had to just bite my tongue... how dsre they have the bare faced cheek to call it a lifestyle choice...

ahh im on one today now!!!!!

x
x
x


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## Nosilab

Hi gonefishing31

Grrrr!!! The whole 'lifestyle choice' comment makes me soooooo mad!!!!!! Obviously a policy written by somebody who has never experienced infertility *OR * IVF!!! Did you see this post.....

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=286412.0

xxx


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## gonefishing31

OH I KNOW!!!!!

Will read now x x


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## Nosilab

So...I seem to be ok at dishing the advice out to other people but when it comes to myself I just fall to pieces and cry    I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment    My lifelong friend called to tell me she was pregnant last night, to say I've cried since then is probably an understatement!  My pillow was soaking wet with tears last night    My head is in a total spin, I have no idea how I'm going to cope with this or what the future holds.  I've just had to write some thoughts and feelings down and put them in a post on here....needed them out of my head.  Could really do with some words of wisdom and support  

xx


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## gonefishing31

Honey I am so sorry to hear this...there is absolutely nothing any of us can say that can take the pain away as we all know..
I got to that stage a the begining of the year & could not snap out of it.. I booked some counselling through my work and had a few sesions. I think it would of been better had they not sent me to a sex & relationship therepist (??) the only other one was 25 miles away.
The pain I dont think will ever go... but I think we just need to try & deal with these situations better as its never gonna go away.. there are constant reminders of what is impossible for us to acheive & its like living everyday in hell.
I took anti depressants for a time but have had to stop them all together to do egg share...I will no doubt be living on them if it doesn't work out which is very sad but they did help lift my mood somewhat along with the ability to talk to someone  as in the counseller.

Obvs I am not telling you to get to your GP & demand Anti d's - as they are not for everyone - 

Sending you a HUGE HUG    xxxxxx


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## Nosilab

Thank you gonefishing, oh what a mess infertility leaves us in eh!  You're right though, it's never going to go away, but each time I think "it's ok, I'm coping better at the mo" something comes along to shake the ground and send me right back to square one    I was thinking I should phone my counsellor and make an appointment.  I have an appt. with her at the end of May, but she did say if I had a 'wobble' before then to call up and bring the appt. forwards.  I just don't know what she can do....she can't make the pain go away    Oh this feels like some weird surreal fantasy...I can't quite believe this has happened.  Thank you so much for replying and for hugs   xxxx


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## coweyes

Nosilab


You will cope with it i promise.  My very very good friend has had 2 babies now and i felt the same as you, but once you get over the shock it will you begin to get better.  The worse thing for me is that this friend is quite negative about life, i find that very hard to deal with.


I try to except that i will and do find pg announcements difficult but that it does become easier and that you will not always feel as bad as you do today.  I know "the pattern of my emotions", 3 days of feeling like you do at the moment, a few more days of feeling angry but slightly better, then worry about seeing them, then worry about them getting bigger, then worry about when the baby arrives, then things start to feel better.  I think you just need to ride it out, but acknowledge that any lady would feel as you do in your situation. 


Be kind and realistic to yourself, your not super human, your human. xxxx


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## Nosilab

Thank you coweyes, this is just a particularly tricky one for me for so many reasons.  It's just gonna take me a while to get my head around this one, but I hope you're right and that I will cope better than I think    Thanks for reminding me I'm not superhuman, even though it sounds crazy I think I sometimes forget that feeling like this is normal, and I seem to do well at giving the advice and reassurance out to others but rubbish at taking it on board myself    Thanks again xxxx


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## maybeoneday1979

i also feel the whole dam world is preg and will it ever b me. my friend announced on ** she was 15 wks preg without sayin to me and she know my struggles it hurt so bad im sick of ******** all i ever see is people moaning about being preg and wait for it once u have 1 kid u just cant stop having babies!!!!! my dh says facebbok is just for people announcing there preg   im defy thinking about getting rid of it.


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## Nosilab

It took me a while to come to a definite decision but finally, just after New Year, I decided that my heart just couldn't take any more of ******** so I closed my account.  I really thought I'd miss it but I have to say that so far I've had no regrets.  In fact another lady on here renamed it Gloatbook, I think that's very fitting because that's exactly what it turned into!!  That was really insensitive of your friend to announce her news on ** before even telling you, especially as she knows about your struggle


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## Plinky

I'm in two minds about deleting my ******** - yeah it annoys me when EVERY day there's about 5 people moaning about swollen feet, or morning sickness or having a sleepless night cos the baby won't stop crying, but today having it has been a godsend.

Guess I'll have to evaluate when I actually start my treatment.... it might all change then. I'd not be so bad about deleting it, but now timeline has come in, it's nice looking back over the random stuff and laughing over it all over again 

I've started telling myself that every new born baby is just ugly when they post the "2 seconds after birth" photos.... seems to do the trick hahaha


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## Shoegirl10

Deactivating my ** account was the best thing I did!  I'm not interested in the gloating or whose pregnant! ** isn't the place to announce things or put photos of recently born babies xx


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## gonefishing31

It seems pregnancy & babies are everywhere i look at the moment.. I've bought 3 cards in the last month & i know 3 more ladies who are due soon...


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## Nosilab

Oh you poor thing Gonefishing    Why do these things seem to happen like that, it's so unfair


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## Shoegirl10

Please ladies do not let the pregnancy of others get you down- for some they might have had a difficult journey getting there and for others there might have been a miscarriage. 

I know it is hard and it gets me too and what works for me is that I am focusing on my self and getting my body back to normal after a miscarriage

I am teacher and experience has taught me that not all these mums are actually happy! 
XX


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## butterfeena

Just to say I too have deactivated my ** account recently as I was poised to write a really ungenerous comment on one of those 'woe is me, the joys of motherhood' posts.


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## Shoegirl10

** is very childish and glad I am not around to witness people up load photos I have no interest in!
Seriously people who boast about how happ they are - arnt!!
XX


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