# Haven't told anybody about our fertility issues



## P0ppy (Dec 27, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here after 14 months TTC unsuccessfully, and a load of tests that can't find a problem.  

The only person I have told about these problems is a close friend - I haven't mentioned it to any of my large family (I have a lovely mother who adores her many grandchildren and wants as many more as possible, and several sisters, one of whom I'm fairly close to and has recently had a baby).  

I am starting to wonder how long I can not tell anyone though.  I don't want to talk about it with anyone other than my husband and friend, but I feel like my family must think there is a problem by now - I think it's quite obvious my husband and I would love a family and I'm 36, so not likely to be putting it off deliberately.  I also find that there are some of my friends who have children that I am now avoiding because I think they are likely to ask me what's happenning on the baby front.  

At first I just kept hoping we would have good news soon, but at this point where we are going to be starting fertility treatment soon I have accepted that there is a problem, but I don't know whay I still feel so vulnerable and protective of this information.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt this way really, and if anyone has found it helpful or not to share with family and closer friends.

Also wondering if anyone has any tips for responding to the people you really don't want to tell that irritatingly ask you if you are planning to have kids!!!


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## bunny13 (Oct 22, 2011)

Hi poppy

I just wanted to share my experiences with you to say that I have found telling people about our struggle helps a lot. For one thing it stops them putting their foot in it and asking if I want kids. That makes me so mad, as we all know 'wanting' has nothing to do with it, there are plenty of people that want and don't get and of course those that don't want and do get! Christmas has been hard, with both my SILs pregnant. But they are both kind enough to not involve me/discuss babies as I just can't cope at the moment. We are due to tell my husbands parents this week To make things easier when we have hosp apps etc. 

Friends that I have told have also been great, I know exactly what u mean about avoiding them, but at least if they know why you can meet up with them without their kids/ they will know not to quiz you. 

Personally i find I spend so much time worrying about what people might say and which family events I might start crying at. At least if people know about your situation they are less likely to upset you. 

When people ask my husband if we are planning kids he says ' no need, our sisters have let us off the hook' and laughs it off. I've not Perfected this and favour running off to the loo instead.

X


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## P0ppy (Dec 27, 2011)

Thanks Bunny, it does help to hear someone else's experience, and it would be a bit of a relief to be upfront with my nearest and dearest family and friends.  I like your husbands line, I might pinch it! 
Shall keep hoping for better news, and for you x


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## shelleysugar (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Poppy
Your feelings are exactly the same as mine when I started to realise the ttc was going to be a struggle.  Everyone has different ways of coping and you'll need to do what is right for you.  We told close family and close friends which made it so much easier and you get less of those awkward conversations!  My sister had a baby 3 months ago and she knew we were trying at the same time as her so it makes it all real (but saying that I adore my niece and am a very dedicated Auntie!).  I don't have any magic answers but telling people who care did help me talk through my feelings and get other opinions.  They are also incredibly positive which helps when I'm feeling low.  My standard answer when you get asked the inevitable question by people we haven't told is 'we're still paying off the wedding' and I have a stock of avoidance responses.  Good luck Poppy.
Shelley x


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Poppy

I used to keep it hidden and told very few people but found it harder to be happy about other people's news - even if I didn't really know them. Now I'm very open which my mum found hard at first. She is definitely the person who thinks it should be kept in the family as though we are the mafia (we're not- lol) or something. I just feel its better to be honest and I'm not ashamed. Its easier as well because both my DH and I give up alcohol completely before treatment for a good two months so we have to explain somehow. I refuse to be ashamed of needing help to get pg and I'm hoping the more we talk openly the less of a stigma it all becomes. Its still a topic few people talk about yet last year 45,000 women had IVF. It also helps explain those 'wobble' times we all have. I've had huge ups and downs and at times have nearly lost it completely so unless I want everyone to think I'm a raving nutter I explain. I even tell strangers if they ask stupid questions like 'oh don't you want children' or 'how many children do you have' or my favourite ' leaving it a bit late arent' you' (I'm 37) it shuts them up very quickly.

Whatever you decide its very personal to you and your hubbie so don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with and good luck.

x


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

Hi Poppy
I'm new on here too and i'm in a simliar situation. My hubbys friends mostly know but i've kept everything private, only one or two of my very close friends know. we all started trying for a family at a similar time and they now have beautiful babies. I struggle at work, as people know i want children yet no one seems to have caught on to the fact there may be an issue (i've been married 3 years in March) and said i'd wait til we got married. 
I have to say the people that do know are mostly lovely about it, if a little tactless at times. 
You're not alone in feeling isolated but i promise you you're not alone. 
find you're own way of coping and remember there is nothing to be ashamed of,
x


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

Hi Poppy, I am also new here and finding things such as telling other people difficult. My husband and I have decided not to tell certain people, so far this hasn't been a problem until recently. Friends of mine are asking me to join in activities that are not suitable whilst taking part in IVF so have just told one or two of them basic stuff to keep them off my back. I have managed to keep dates out of it so far, I think I will continue to do this as I can do without the pressure of people knowing when we go in for treatment. 

My mum is one of our relatives that know basic stuff, again no dates. My husbands parents don't know anything other than it's taken us almost 5 years and still no children...I am a childminder so I think they have worked out that there are problems and have been polite enough not to say anything. My sister in law has had two little girls in the last 4 years, she frequently asks when we will be gracing her girls with cousins. I didn't need to answer that one as my sister did it for me    My sister is my main source of support, she also has endometriosis and was told she couldn't have children. However, she now has a gorgeous 4 week old baby girl who has been named after me <3 She was conceived naturally. 

My dad has remarried and his wife is a fair bit younger than him. Due to him having a vasectomy when he was married to my mum and my stepmum having PCOS, they were unable to conceive naturally so had 4 cycles of ICSI and succeeded on the final go. My little brother is now almost 2 <3 My dad and stepmum do not know about our troubles despite them going through similar problems - this hasn't caused anyone any issues and I get the feeling that my stepmum knows and understand what we are going through - we have a connection.  

I am currently wheat free due to the endo so cooking does have it's issues, especially when out, a lot pf people know I suffer with it and some have worked it out and mentioned that I will probably have trouble having kids...  we haven't been drinking alcohol at all which gets us more questions and insensitive statements but by now, I am used to it. I always say 'why have kids when I can enjoy giving the ones I look after back at the end of the day'? I have no doubt people have more of an idea than I think they do but I am happy with the way it is at the moment and look forward to saying at the end of it all why we have gone through it all   

Good luck with whatever you decide to do


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## Tilly4 (Jan 8, 2012)

Hello Poppy.

I am new to this site and found the perfect thread to say Hi!   I am kind of in the same situation. Me and my other half have been TTC naturally for 6 months now, it has been so hard not talking to anyone. He feels it should be kept between us at the moment, which I can understand... hes shy and quiet and to be honest he doesn't want to answer any questions etc.

I know what you mean Doofuz, we are not drinking alcohol or smoking and haven't been for a while, this gets a lot of comments ''Oh are you pregnant'' etc etc etc... I just feel like I need to run away and hide hahaha. 

My friend is one of the only people who knows what I am going through, she is brilliant and understands too..   Hopefully I will be going to my GP soon, that just makes it more real for me 

Hope everyone is ok? and Happy New Year xxx


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## Gawdblimeygovernor (Nov 23, 2011)

Hi all,

Newbie here too!

We are in the same boat!! TTc 2yrs + and have only really confided in a few close friends.  Both our parents still don't know.  I keep finding a reason not to tell them tbh, as my mum comes from a large family and they will all know within an hour!  and my In laws have a big birthday coming up and I don't want to ruin in.  My family are desperate for us to have a baby.  My mum mentioned that she was at a party and she was the only person there that was not a grandma (yep thanks for that), and my gran wondered if I was pg as I chose a cup of tea over a glass of wine (it was new year day and I was hanging from the night before)!!
I am not sure if it is easier to tell or not?  When I see my bf, its a relief as she knows everything that is going on, and she always lets me talk about it and get it off my chest.  However with family I feel its harder as they are older, had their children, so would not really understand.  

I am struggling tbh, especially as it feels like the whole entire world is pg!  My way of responding to insensitive comments is be nice and come back with a witty comment "you know I love my vino too much to give it up for 9 months".  Irritate me and I can guarantee my response is more like "have you not got a life of your own so you need to interfere in mine!".  I like the "paying off the wedding" line, I might use that - Thanks! 
Happy Mondays all,
GBG


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## P0ppy (Dec 27, 2011)

It's really good to know that other people understand!  I don't think I'm really ready to share it with family and friends yet, but it sharing it here and finding others with common experiences has taken a little bit of the stress away.

Sending hippy positive vibes to you all xx


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## jojo30 (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm in sort of the same boat - theres a few people who know we have issues although just basic info. I've had to tell my boss so i'm ok for the time off that I'm entitled to for treatment. My sis and best friend know and one other close friend knows some stuff. My hubby isnt necessarily reluctant to tell people but he just thinks its no one elses business. Fair point. As much as I'm matter of fact about it and not a good talker about my feelings etc, i do sometimes need to tell people. Its male factor so I cant always go to hubby and whinge about it as I dont want to upset him. I think we both tiptoe round each other abit about it although we know we can go to each other too if we need to.
I dont want people to feel sorry for us so I'm very mattew of fact about the details i have mentioned to people.
We have our first appt next month to discuss everything so no treatment started yet - i think we'll be more open once we've had that appt.
I do know I need to tell my parents & I think that will be the hardest bit to do.


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