# Argh!!! Annoying friends



## Lilly83

Does anyone else get really annoyed with peoples attitudes when your having probs TTC? My best friend has 2 under 5, and had a MC inbetween (so has had 3 pregnancies in 5 years) When I first told her we were having probs she said 'Well it took us 9 months with our second' There's a big diff between 9 months and the 4 years I have been trying!! Then she reminded me of a MC I had 10 years ago with a previous partner 'So everything must be working she said' Then when I told her I had a HSG next week and was dreading it she says 'Well if you want a baby that's going to be a lot worse!' Oh and lastly she very helpfully informed me that if I stopped worrying it would happen, then also pointed out the migraine tablet I was taking prob wasn't a good idea if I wanted a baby

I swear I could scream!!!!!

Just needed to rant anyway, thanks for reading! 

Lilly xx


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## Artypants

Oh dear she does sound a bit clueless to what you are going throough, she probably has no idea she is upsetting you with what she is saying and she keeps steaming in with insensitive comments. Next time just tell her that comment was a bit insensitive, sometimes friends need to be told! Not in a confrontational way, but just let her know you dont agree with her opinion.Its not easy as your freinds are supposed to be supportive and help you through tough time, not make you feel even worse!

Big hug xxx


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## MrsPootle

Hi Lilly!

Big hugs   

I think we've all been there!  After many years (er, 6 I think) of trying, after my recent redundancy, people said to me 'now you haven't got work to stress over then things might just happen'.  It makes me SO mad as they have NO idea how unhelpful and hurtful that can be!  I voluntarily took redundancy as me & DH had decided to relocate in any case, but it's just soooo annoying when people say stuff like that.

And I too had a miscarriage 3 years ago, so I also know what you mean with the 'well something must work'!

The weirdest one was when we were explaining our situation to our friends who have 4 children, they flippantly said 'It's really sad.  It's almost like we should have 'Fix You' by Coldplay in the background as you're explaining this'.  WTF And then they laughed at their own joke.  Sorry, but this is really my life - I have to live with these issues day to day - I don't find it funny!!

I think the only way we can deal with it is to either say something.  Depending on the situation I sometimes just blurt out 'actually, there is something medically wrong with me, a bit like if you have broken leg, except my problem isn't showing signs of healing anytime soon' or a flippant 'It would be nice if it was that simple, but I'm afraid it's not'.  I know I'm doing all I can to overcome issues, and I know it might come to a point soon where I stop treatment, but I doubt I'll ever stop trying.  To me it seems so sad that I spent 20 years having the coil, taking the pill when I don't think I needed to bother.

But I hope the rest of the day has been better and you feel better for having a rant - I do!!!!

Love
MrsP
x


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## Emms80

Hi Lilly, 

Oh I totally know the feeling. Ive only confided in someone that I consider as my best friend (whos currently pregnant and pregnant without even trying) and she told me that I shouldnt worry so much, I should get really turned on when I have sex as that may help me ovulate (complete rubbish!!!!) and that I shouldnt get upset over tests etc as it wont help. I mean how unsupportive is that!?

So from that responce.......im not telling anyone else! 

Its so hard, you want the support from friends but get patronised as they dont understand how you feel or what your going through. I dont know about you but that makes me feel so lonely.


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## MadDogLady083

Totally know what u mean! I have some really supportive friends and a few who I'd like to just scream at! I wish I hadn't told a couple. Not many know anyway. The worst people are the ones who dont know but go on and on and on about me having a baby and someone even said that I'd regret it if I don't, I wanted to scream at them to mind their own business and they have NO idea what we've gone thru over the years!! Phew rant over lol xx


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## Lilly83

Thankyou all for your replies, felt loads better after ranting and knowing it's not just me with the idiot friends!

Artypants.. I'm kicking myself for not pulling her the first time she annoyed me, i'm def going to be prepared for  telling her how insenstive I find her comments next time

Mrs Pootle.. So sorry to hear about you MC, I cannot actually believe your friend, what a complete idiot, my whinges seem trivial now next to yours, people are idiots they really are

Emms.. Your friend sounds like an even bigger idiot than MrsPs! I hope you thanked her for her very helpful advice, not!! I think we should all tell our DPs that's where we must be going wrong!

And MadDogLady...I know that feeling, it's only going to get even worse for us too now as we get married in 2 weeks, so the comments and questions will get even worse then!


In other news though I had my HSG today and found out one tubes knackered, so at least that will shut my friend up for a while! 

Thanks again 

Lilly xx


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## MrsPootle

We should start a thread called 'Idiot Friends Hall of Fame'!!!

Sorry to hear about your knackered tube - but, and this isn't meant to nominate me for the above(!), you have the other one which is in good working order?  So concentrate on that if possible (not easy I know).  I rarely ovulate, but the times I do (a whole twice in the past 8 months), at least I know I have a bit of a chance and that keeps my hopes alive of a natural miracle.  I'm starting with a new clinic and hoping to be in another cycle within a few months - although house move is on the horizon in a few weeks time - so that is keeping me WELL busy!!

But I also notice that you are getting wed in 2 weeks - how lovely!!! Enjoy every minute of it, I still look fondly back on my big day with DH - it was an amazing day with all the people we care about there for us.  

Take Care,
MrsP
xx


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## skydog

Oh Lilly,
I know how annoying it can be, unless people have gone through the same hell TTC they will never understand. My friends have often said they had problems and they sympathise but when they have children how can they possibly understand. They can't possibly know how it feels having treatment after treatment or the hurt and longing. when friends are screaming at there kids and wishing the had never had them you cant help but think you wouldn't say that if you where in my shoes.


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## elli78

hi all 
just wanted to jump in and say that you're not alone. I've only told very close friends who live miles away from me. (no one i see on a regular basis but who i consider good friends and def not work)
the best i had was a mate who knew our situation and was trying for her second, on about month 3 she said she completely understood how i felt and it was sooo hard.... erm no i dont think you do. part of me wants to say to people who think i'm some kind of child hater who prefers dogs that i'd love a family but i can't bring myself to reveal such personal info about myself ....
anyway wwish you all lots of luck on this sh***y journey
xxx


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## Vickytick

Elli78 I know exactly what you mean about people thinking you are a child hater. It's the 'sympathetic ' looks as well when you explain your situation. As though they are thinking tf ive got children and are not in their situation.

Lily83 even my older sister who is really lacking in empathy commented on how hard she found ttc. She has 2 lovely girls and tried 6 and 9 months for each one. Hardly the same as 3 years and counting. They just don't understand the real fear that we might never experience that little thing growing inside of us. After my last failed IVF I was told well it'll work next time as you've got pg - yes all of which have ended in mc so hardly a positive thing. Bite your tongue and walk away calmly otherwise you will just wind yourself up which won't help ttc. Xx


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## raspberrytipple

Another here who can sympathise, Im quite open with people now and I've been surprised who the most helpful reactions have been from. One actually asked me whether I was excited or scared about IVf rather than the usual 'ohhhh but it's so excitIng having IVF!', another keeps berating teenage mothers and saying how disgusting they are, thinking it makes me feel better, another got pg 3 months in and genuinely thinks I'm not doing it right and keeps telling me to have more sex (she's on her second which was an accident, conceived on first shag in 8 months and over in 8 minutes apparently). Others just let me talk when I want to which is great, and a couple have friends who have struggled to have babies so they kinda know what comments I don't need! It's so hard because unless you've been there you can never really know what it's like.


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## southsider1970

Hello,

Sorry to hear so many of us have friends who have an amazing capacity to get it wrong.  As others have said it's really surprised me who the worst offenders are. Never thought the one who had had 4 rounds of IVF to get her 3children would be telling me to be careful what you wish for as it's such hard work having children..

But this months cruel friend award has to go to mine from 2weeks ago.  I was at the end of my 2ww and had arranged to meet friend for lunch.  Had been bleedinng heavily all night and had emergency appointment at clinic so texted friend to say was unwell and had to cancel.  On being asked why, said things weren't going to plan at clinic.  Got inital response that surely if you're paying so much money you should be able to dictate to clinic how things should be going.  Ignored that and 4hours later got a text fron her saying "so it's not morning sickness then?.?!!!".  spent the next week bleeding but with rising HCG being monitored in case had an ectopic.  Week from hell and really upset that instead of having support from friend felt unable to say anything after last set of flippant comments and that really hurt.  Heard nothing from said friend til yesterday when amongst a number of other random things she asked how I was.  Admitted i''d just had an early miscarriage but at least it wasnt ectopic. I know other people's lives are going on as normal when we're going through turmoil but the isolation from those you expe t to get help from really doesn't help.  

Sorry for the rant but this has been eating at me for a couple of weeks and this thread made me realise I'm unfortunately not alone in this

Good luck to everyone on their journey and hope you have lovely supportive people roubd about along the way

SS


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## Mogget

People really don't get it, do they?

I know my situation is different to yours, we've not spent ages trying yet, but people can still be insensitive and it still hurts.  I'm gay, and OH and I have just started treatment, and it had worked first time, all was going well and though we tried not to, we got quite excited, but OH had an early miscarriage.  

My boss told me it was a bit like when she was looking for a house to buy and it was taking ages, and we just needed to be patient.
Others told me that it was just a tiny ball of cells and not a baby so no need to be upset.
Another said "urgh, what do you want kids for anyway?"
Personal favourite was the in-laws.  My sister in law is pregnant, due in December.  We told the in-laws what had happened, they were sympathetic, then they kept going on about my sister in law, about the pram they'd bought, her birth plan, the teddy bear and clothes she was knitting for the baby.

I know it's not the same as with you, we've not spent ages trying (yet, but we will if we need to), but the insensitivity surprised me.  I am lucky that we have other supportive people around.

I hope you guys do too, to make up for the morons.


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## tazza_uk

Hello all,

I hope you dont mind me jumping in... I was about to make a new post about annoying friends, when i stumbled accross this.  Glad to know im not some sort of monster because of insenstive comments from a friend.

One question, how do you all manage it?! I have the strongest urge to go and throttle so called friend after her comments and you all seem to rational and calm!

Hope everyone is doing well and look forward to speaking with you all soon!


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## duckybun

People just don't have a clue. We've been trying for nearly three yrs and got married last sept, of course since them everyone has been dropping comments.... The worst was one night in the pub when one of my dh's mates got drunk and decided to start 'knocking' on my stomach asking if little Johnny was in there.... He's called Johnny and has decided we need to name our unborn child after him.... Obviously I told him to **** off, at which he started demanding o know why I wasn't pg THEN he starts going on about how with my welcoming womb and my dh's eager 'wee soldiers' it wouldn't be long! How the hell would he know arrrgggg the insensitivity and stupidity of it all totally go smacked me and I ended up outside shaking with rage 

I can tell you one thing, if we ever do manage to have a baby it will never be called Johnny, I couldn't name my baby after a moron!  

X
Ducky


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## Lexi2011

Ducky your post made me smile, I agree your friend johnny sounds like a total moron! My hubby is called Jonny (no H!) so I won't hold anything against the name! He definitely needs a slap round the head. 

I am so glad I found this thread, I have endless stories of annoying friends like the one who told me I needed to toughen up when I was mid way through my first ivf....So helpful!!!! I particularly enjoy the comments from friends telling me to keep trying and just relax (I have no Fallopian tubes so is a physical impossibility) yet the comments keep coming.

I have recently hired a new guy to work for my team who told another team member it was a good job that he'd had a baby with his girlfriend before they got married as can you imagine marrying a woman who couldn't bear you a child and end up stuck married to her! This person is on a trial period working for me so I am yet to decide his fate   
Xxx


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## duckybun

Hi Lexi..

Your guy sounds like a prat! I'll slap him round the head for you if you come over here and slap our johnny (not your own obviously  )

I also could write a book of things that people have said to us that have curdled my blood. we just  bought a new car and my bil commented that there was plenty of room in the back for car seats and did we have anything we'd like to tell them... I love him dearly but really had to bite my tongue all the same!

x
ducky


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## lily1980

Oh Lexi that is awful - yes I think his trial period will need to end pronto lol!!!

I'm so glad I've found this thread too as even although we haven't told anyone we are ttc apart from my mum (though I think some close friends have guessed) we still get annoying comments!!!  We are going to a close family christening on Sunday so I'm fairly certain we will get the usual "you will be next", "oh you're not drinking, something to tell us" and the classic "are you trying for a baby".  I told my mother if any of her friends ask they will get the response "oh are you asking if we have regular sex - that's a bit personal, do you" - that ought to shut them up!!!    I'm really not sure why folk think they can ask such personal questions!!!

Lily x


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## elli78

lily i love ur response about regular sex, im def going 2 use that one the nxt time i get asked 'the question!' x


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## lily1980

Aaarrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!  Just got a text from a friend telling me that she is pregnant and that she is feeling down about it!!!!  WTF am I meant to say to that - in response a very bland congratulations and I'm sure you will start to feel better in time.  For god sake she is 30, married and spoken about wanting kids - though to be fair everything is a drama with her!!!

She can't help how she feels but go and tell someone else - do not want to have this conversation!!!

Rant over xxx


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## Lexi2011

Lily - please tell me your friend doesnt know about your situation? if so she needs a slap......

xxxxxxx


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## lily1980

I think she has probably guessed our situation given that I recently went for a gynae op and had previously said that we would give ttc a chance before going ahead with the op incase there were complications.  To be fair I have never explicity said to her but I still don't want to hear her chat.  What makes it worse though if she also said this to another friend who had a miscarriage about 6 months ago grrrrrrrrr!!!!  I'm sending her a virtual slap as I type!!! xxx


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## elli78

i thnk ur friends comment confirms that unless ur on this crazy infertility journey u have no idea how painful it is x


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## maui50

Wow, some of these friends are outrageous!

I've told some close family and only a couple of friends. One friend always asks about how it's all going and gives me very sympathetic/pitiful looks. Sometimes looks are worse than words!

I'm shortly going to be spending about a week with extended family - who I don't see very often - around the time of a family party. Older aunties especially have no qualms about patting the belly and saying "what's the story?". I can forgive older people - especially ones I don't really have any affection for - as I suppose they come from an era when it was absolutely shocking that you could be married for 4 years but not have sprogs. But I do need a comeback - a kind one - so any suggestions gratefully accepted!

My strategy for younger people who ask e.g. cousins etc, is to draw them into a philosophical debate about the requirement that society (or maybe biology) puts on people to reproduce, to go forth and multiply. Is it essential for me to reproduce in order to function successfully in society? Is it truly irrelevant that I have a business, own property, am a good daughter/sister/dil/auntie? Is it not enough for them that I'm happy and am in love with my DH? Are there no other ways to be a good citizen e.g. I give blood, I donate to charity etc, or is this the limit of my existence? That oughta shut them up 

And I'm going to take the opportunity to spend time with two family members who adopted in the end, and ask casually about what they went through to get to that point. They may be the only ones who understand.


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## Sammilb

Hi All, I'm reading all your comments and in a kinda way its good to see that people are going through the same situations as me at the moment!.

One thing i never knew when all this fertility business started for me and my DH was just how isolated one can feel especially when my DH doesn't want people to know (he had cancer when he was in his late 20's and had to have a testi removed, then chemo hence the reason we are needing ICSI).

You know ladies when its quiet and I'm trying to chill, my mind wonders and i can guarantee you I'll think of a lost opportunity!. 

Let me explain. Me and my DH in Oct 2010 went to live with his mother, we kept ourselves to ourselves and lived our life as a couple, trying to spend as much time out the house as we possibly could as his mother was going through a separation with her long term partner. She was (and still is) a heavy drinker!, and when shes pished she become verbally and physically abusive and you guest it it would be my DH who ended up taking her ****!, this went on all would quieten down and nothing more would be said etc, then it would all start again every time she took a drink!. In April of 2011 me and my DH were in our room when his mother came home absolutely steaming!!. She burst into our room and you could tell she was looking for a fight!. She was explaining to my DH that life wasn't very good for them when he was younger and he was agreeing, when all the sudden she turned and became verbally abusive towards me!, this highly angered my DH who by this time was on the verge of ripping into his mother!, we left and spent the night in a travel lodge hotel for the night!. 

With saving and a payout i got from a place i used to work at we had the grand sum of 5 grand!, we had our wee treat from it (i.e) a spend up!, the remaining 4 grand was put aside to bring my DH stored sperm back from Australia via specialist courier, and then to get it stored here in Glasgow at a private clinic.

The following day we left the hotel, and travelled back to his mothers house she wasn't in and we started to pack our stuff up, whilst i was waiting for my DH to pass some stuff down from the loft his mother walked in!, she never said a word and went and stood in my sister in laws room (14yr old). Whilst we were packing up my brother in-law came in and asked what was going on, my DH just said we're leaving as we cant take mums **** anymore! nothing more was said and we carried on packing. Whilst we drove off down the road we past a house that had a notice up stating to rent!, i think the landlord hadn't had much luck with interest with the house because it was if you can get a deposit, a month in advance etc to me by 6pm the house is yours!. Me and my DH pulled over and we spoke about the money that we had to bring his sperm back. In view of what it was like at his mothers house we had no choice really but to use it to put a roof over our heads ( as we had nothing in terms of basic house hold equipment etc). We moved into our wee house, and all was going well. A couple of days later his mother called my DH and said she came ac crossed some more of our bits, we went up to her house and while we were there, my brother in law turned up and gathered us all up and announced that his wife was pregnant!, then proceeded to show a picture on his mobile of her positive pregnancy test strip!, i felt sick and just found myself walking away in a daze!. A couple of days later my brother and sister in law came to see the house (an unannounced visit), there my DH and his brother was looking round the house and was upstairs my sister in law was in the kitchen talking to me, she was going on about recent events and was saying that its time something was done about our mother in laws behaviour as its all to offten swept under the carpet!. I said to my sister in law i had no sympathy for the woman and proceded onto tell her that we had to use the money we had saved (bring samples back), all her reply was you'll both soon get the money through work!!. As everyone knows 4grand is never easily replaced and even if we ever did have that type of money again there would always be something that needs buying or paying for when you run a home!. 

We're now so anxious as to where and how we're gonna get his sperm back to the UK. As a result of all this my DH is now due for a MESA to see if they can retrieve any sperm from him directly!, but we have been told not to raise our hopes!.

Recently my DH has stopped all contact with certain members of his family and has told me to not have contact with them either! ( he is my other half so i have to respect that). In an ideal world i would just love to tell his mother 'YOU OWE US 4 GRAND' to cover the costs of bring his sperm back to give us a GOOD chance of being parents of a much wanted baby!.

You don't know how good this feels to type this and get it off my chest!. And sorry if it waffles on but its pre occupying me!.
Has anyone else ever had to deal with insensitive family?, and how did you do it?.

Best wishes to all

Sam x


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## raspberrytipple

so I had more from a friend this weekend.  I love her to bits and her heart is in the right place but she asked how everything was going.  I explained when our next appointment was and that the next step was most likely IVF.  She kind of dismissed that and just went straight in AGAIN for 'why don't we think about adoption, or even surrogacy as that was probably going to be just as expensive as going through IVF etc.  I know it's just because she really hasn't a clue what its like or how it works but jeez!  I try not to bring it up with anyone now, I'm happy that they know as I can't be doing with the 'when, when WHEN will you provide us with a baby to coo over type stuff but it's also very difficult to have to sit there trying to justify why we don't want to think about adoption.  I did explain that adoption or surrogacy are something we would only ever think about at the end of our journey TTC naturally and that is at least another 5/6 years away yet.  grrrrrr.


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## elli78

oh my god the adoption comment drives me crazy x


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## Sammilb

You know ladies, I've now learnt that the only way to deal with insensitive family and friends is (A) don't tell them anything!, (B) If they cant say anything nice or supportive tell em to do one! (you and partner really don't want the crap!), (C) And in regards to oh well theres surrogacy? or adoption! them type of avenues should only be investigated IF you ever need to go down them!.

I now go back at people that know mine and my DH's fertility treatment etc, especially the other day when we were out with my brother in law when he collected us from the hospital for my DH's MESA (to see if there are any sperm in the tissue of the testicle!), he was pointing out different place as we past through Glasgow, and he pointed out the hotel were he thinks that where hes wife conceived their daughter!, i snapped at him and said it must be great to just goto bed and make a baby!, we have to be pulled about, bloods taken nearly every single time we go for an appointment, and maybe the brother in law should come with us when we go back on the 12th of November for the results!, so that if we are given bad news he can see how deflating it is!.

Sorry for the rant girls!, but only those that can respect that times and things are difficult for us can share in our journeys! 

xx


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## raspberrytipple

The even more frustrating thing is that when we have to talk about adoption she always says 'look at my friend...., she adopted and they are so happy'.  But fails to remember that the reason they adopted was because her DH had the condition where he made no sperm, can't remember what it's called.  Now they have divorced she would love to have her own baby but her current partner isn't interested so she probably wont.  Just is so frustrating  I really don't mind people knowing because at the end of the day, IVF for us is going to be hard to hide.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve sort of thing so people know when something is not right.  I just need to learn to handle silly questions and comments from others.


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