# Another negative cycle



## cat68 (Apr 11, 2008)

Hi,

Apologies for the me post coming up....

I have just finished my 4th tx ( 3ICSI and 1 FET) and had a BFN yesterday. Not even a sniff of a positive this time  The last 3 tx's resulted in early m/c's so although I was devastated when they happened I felt encouraged that the embies tried to implant. This time after taking enough medication to sink a ship I had nothing. To add insult to injury AF hasn't started yet, although I have stopped all meds.

I feel incredibly disappointed and overwhelmed by sadness. So much so that I didn't get any sleep last night and was constantly in floods of tears. I still feel teary now while writing this... although it helps to let it out. I feel like screaming with the injustice of it all. I am very fortunate to have a lovely Ds and believe me I count my blessings every day that he is here. We struggled to conceive him and I didn't think the desire to have another child would be as great if not more than the first. I really can't get away from kids either because when I take my son to and from school I'm surrounded by them being picked up and dropped off by their parents. I seem to obsess about looking for parents that may be in the same boat as me i.e one child and when I see them with 2 or 3 children I am struck by this incredible envy which isn't healthy I know. 

I can't get my head around the fact that I won't have any more children and to think about it creates a deep longing in my heart that can't be satisfied. My eyes are puffy and red, thank God it's sunny and I could wear my sunglasses to hide behind when I dropped my son off at school. 

I have had time off work when I had the m/c's and couldn't go in today. I think this may work against me when I apply for another job. I have a boss from hell and want to leave  but don't get me started....  I haven't told any of my family or friends about the tx because I didn't want any of the sympathy/pity that a failed cycle would entail. Now I feel so lonely and isolated that I didn't confide in anyone ( apart from a few work colleagues) and feel that I have to put on a brave face and hide the pain. 

Because I have had a plan to fall back on the previous tx's I have had hope that the next tx would work but because of lack of money and emotional fragility I feel that it is the end of the road and it scares me to death.

Has anyone else had these feelings or can relate to what I'm going through. My Dh has been understanding to a point but it's not the same for him. A bit of a hug and a few comforting words from him and then he goes about his business again. I can't pretend that it doesn't matter, it does and it hurts like hell. 

Thanks for listening 

Cat xx


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## binnie31 (Mar 15, 2009)

Hi Cat,
I can completely understand your feelings. I too have a child and in July/august was feeling exactly where you are today due to my first failed attempt 
My world seemed to fall apart. I so desperately wanted another child, all my DH would say to me was that I should be grateful I already had a child and had no reason to be upset. It made me question whether I was being selfish. 
I know that over whelming urge to have another child, the isolation you feel and loneliness. I still feel tearful if I think about it, I just try and spend as much time with my dd as possible.
Just remember you are not alone, you have a loving family and friends who are supportive. You will get through this, just take one day at a time.
Bel


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## Miki D (Mar 3, 2009)

Hi Cat,

So sorry to hear about your bfn and all you're going through.

I'm not really in the same position as I don't have any children, but i just wanted to send you a big    and say that you're not selfish at all. You've still had to go through all the pain and disappointment that any of us have.

It must be very hard for you having to go to school every day and I know just how you feel about being envious. I feel it almost every day to the point that it really takes over and makes me feel like such an awful person. I think these feelings are normal but very very hard to deal with.

I'm sorry to hear that work has been hard for you, it doesn't help does it, difficulties at work is the last thing you need right now. I had to come home from work on Monday as I burst into tears, last bfn was a month ago, really thought I was over it.

Anyway, I would encourage you to tell family and friends. I didn't tell mine for my first tx and really regretted it, not having any support or understanding was difficult. I've told them now, and while they can't fully understand, they're supportive and I'm glad I did. My DH is also very supportive and I wouldn't have got through this without him, but like you say it's not quite the same for them.

I'm going to find out about counseling as I'm finding it all really difficult to cope with, maybe it could help you too?

I really hope you're feeling better soon  

Love Miki
xxx


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## cat68 (Apr 11, 2008)

Hi Bel and Miki,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post and your supportive comments.

Miki- Iam seeing a counsellor because of the recurrent miscarriages I had this and last year. It's my second session next week so hopefully it will help me to come to terms with it.

I actually got a BFP on test date albeit shortlived as I started bleeding today, heavy and painful to add insult to injury 
I know it takes time to get through it and I will be giving myself plenty of time to cry and generally let rip at the injustice of it all!!

C xx


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## dot (Sep 9, 2009)

Hey Cat,
I have had 4 attempts with ICSI. The first won was positive but miscarried about 2 weeks later and embs have failed to implant ever since. Its not fair. You're not selfish by wanting another baby. I also feel let down by the whole thing. Its such a build up and hoping that everything has gone well as can be expected and then a bfn. I don't know whether we will try again.(Probably will but will take a while to gather funds again) The only thing getting me through this is to remember if I were to choose between a child or my husband, my husband will come first. However our desire for a child is so distressing it will always hurt to see family, friends expanding. 
Take care!
Dot


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