# what are the issues surrounding sibling adoption?



## ariellamcbella (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi all,

We have come into this from the word go in the knowledge that we want to adopt a sibling group of 2, but would consider a sibling group of 3 in the right circumstances.

Trouble is someone has told me that there are more issues with adopting sibling groups...yet when I try and find out the any info to elaborate on their very vague "it's more difficult" I can't find anything other than the obvious it's going to be at least double the time and energy to put in especially for the initial transition into our family...we're not going into this blind, neither are we going to it thinking that this will be a breeze, but people keep trying to make me think/feel like I am not being realistic just because I am not getting all dramatic about it. 

Am I missing something? Are there major issues that are specific to only adopting sibling groups? Am I searching for the wrong things and therefore getting no results back?

Advice would be welcomed! 

Thanks


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

There's a good discussion thread on AUK that due users the pro/cons. 

The main issue is sibling trauma bonds where neither sibling really recovers if the other sibling is in same family. SWs were always keen to keep siblings together but there is now a lot if research that children being adopted one at a time us more successful.

IMO it depends on what history the children have and how much of this has been shared. Also are they full siblings or not as that can also bring about different contact issues and not just genetics. I know a few adopters who have had successful outcomes adopting siblings - mostly those who were younger on placement or had he er lived together in birth family.

Good luck and HTH
X


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I think people may be talking about trauma bonds. Google or search for it on the adoption UK forums xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi, you might want to search for information on trauma bonds, some children have a very unhealthy bond, usually those who've been together in the birth parents' home.  

The other issue is that a lot of adopted children simply require so much, there's no way you could give two enough, let alone three.  You simply cannot underestimate what some quite young children will need from you on placement.  Sometimes so much that it's just infeasible for one parent to offer this.  Baby + toddler placements (normally around 10-12 months and a 2-3 year old) seem to be the "easiest" option for sibling groups.  

We had a single child placed knowing there was another on the way, and have just had her younger brother placed with us.  Two children isn't double the work, it's a whole different level.  My daughter's been home for a year but there are days where she requires complete physical attention from me for significant amounts of time, sometimes while she is restrained, meanwhile her younger brother is left with very little, and at 10 months old that's really not ideal.  He's newly placed and sometimes I have to just leave him crying while I sit with my daughter for significant periods of time, keeping her restrained, and stopping her hurting me and him and herself.  Things are now significantly better than at placement, although we've slipped backwards with the introduction of a sibling.  I can say without a shadow of a doubt that at placement I do not believe I would have coped with another child in addition to my daughter, with the problems she came with.  Even a year later, it is hard, and I worry that my younger child is not getting as much has he needs on her bad days.  She was, on paper, a young, healthy, white "baby" (19 months), with no known issues, or at least none that her s/w or f/c chose to tell us about.

It could be absolutely fine, lots of people do have placements that work, even with older children, but it is a big gamble, because if one or both children do have significant problems on placement, there's a risk that it will simply be unmanageable for the person staying at home and the placement could disrupt.  If one placement disrupts, Social Services can and sometimes will remove both children, with the priority of keeping them together.


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## ariellamcbella (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the responses. I know how it sounds (1 child is half the effort) it's not exactly what I exactly what I meant, and I still don't know how to re word it to what I actually mean (~heat has frazzled my brain waves)...our experience of looking after children in general goes beyond the odd bit of babysitting, and actually has involved us being people making significant decisions in helping a child (who had PTSD) in moving forward and overcoming this, whilst looking after another who has quite extreme behavioural difficulties. 

Trauma bonds are something we had looked at but not given that name, and aren't something that would scare us out of that.  We are positive we can cope with quite severe behavioural difficulties because we have already, and because we have an excellent and understanding support network.

I think it's just people who don't want us to move on with our life (who tried interfering with our relationship previously) trying to say things to make it sound like we aren't being realistic. (It's only them saying it to us) 

Thanks guys!

Hope the heat isn't frying you all too much! xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi
Interesting topic. I had always envisaged adopting 2 siblings but recently have been having doubts as we aren't near to our families so wouldn't have much support. 

I'd be interested to hear from anyone who has adopted a sibling group as to how they are getting on. Any advice etc. 

Yes I am frazzled on this heat  

GG


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## Cupcakekisses (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi,

We are at panel next month to be approved for a sibling group of up to 3 so this thread has provided some really helpful thoughts and like GoofyGirl I would also be interested to hear how other adoptive parents with siblings are doing, both placed together and similar situations to Wyxie.

I found my sunglasses after 'misplacing' them for 3 years, so sorry ladies the sun might disappear now!


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi

We adopted a young sibling group of two and we are 11 weeks into placement.

My children are now 13mths and 28mths, a boy and a girl.

The bond between my children is very strong, they were in FC since the youngest ones birth and didn't really experience significant trauma. Our older one has a few food anxieties which we are working through.

I did worry about giving both of them the attention they needed but it has kind of just worked itself out.

It has been hard work, it is hard work but I think that having them both together is good for them and has helped them settled, they have each other and were familiar to each other particularly useful at the beginning of placement. The washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, future childcare costs are huge but...that's a given when you adopt two or more little people.

We don't know what issues, if any that we are you to have in the future, they had a very different start in life so this may throw up some challenges when we begin life story work but we will deal with them.

AUK put me off a sibling group, it's so negative, we read it after seeing our children's profile and agreed that we couldn't say no to these children but if it didn't work out then we wouldn't consider any other sibling groups - now I know what I know I would if I was doing it again. A new friend of mine has adopted similar age siblings and she echoes this from what we have spoken about.

Good luck!

Just wanted to add everyone thought we were nuts, and I found juggling two children hard work for the first couple of weeks and think I had the post adoption blues, I found myself crying a lot and when I tried speaking to family all I got was I told you so...now we are settled and I find it easier to get out with 2 kids and am not as tired because I am used to the work I am the one that can prove everyone wrong!


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

GoofyGirl said:


> Hi
> Interesting topic. I had always envisaged adopting 2 siblings but recently have been having doubts as we aren't near to our families so wouldn't have much support.
> 
> I'd be interested to hear from anyone who has adopted a sibling group as to how they are getting on. Any advice etc.
> ...


We are not really near our family either, they live 80 miles away and our support network isn't that strong x


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## curly-wurly (Sep 28, 2005)

Hi
We adopted toddler twins last year. Like yourself we had wanted a sibling group of two or possibly three. 
We may be the exception as ours had been in same great FC since birth and therefore had none of the problems that unfortunately a lot of children have in regards to trauma.
They have been a great help to each other as they have that close bond. Yes the expense is greater and we are facing childcare costs that are higher, but we always wanted more than one so would have had this anyway.
I think that you can only make the decision on reading each set of CPRs as each child/children are different.
At this moment they are on the trampoline together, one minute best of friends one minute shouting at each other!
I am totally aware that we are classed as the lucky ones and do truly count my lucky stars, but just wanted to show you that some sibling groups are successful . Good luck with your decision.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we had a similar situation to Wyxie

when linked with DD we were told there was a sibling due who would be removed at birth and so hopefully would follow

DD was placed at 19 months just after her brother was born and had moved in to the same FC. DS was placed with 8 months after DD at 9 months old. age gap is 18 months. they are now 7 and a bit and coming up 6
great success here..both children settled well, have a really close relationship and generally love eachother to bits. I simply cant imagine them being apart  
 the only problem is they dysregulate each other easily. both are on the lively end of lively  they can play together well..like at this moment they are having a fine game of playmobil by my feet..have been for nearly an hour. at other times they just cannot settle to anything,laugh like maniacs, wind eachother up and seem to want to rough play ALL the time. I struggle to find the exact triggers for this but definitely its change related. If we enter someones house to play they 'surf' round the toys and cant settle at anything and it'll end up being the silliest wildest game they can think of..and then they make rubbish choices..they get so over the top all sense goes out the window and something gets broken, or some forbidden activity is done. Or someone gets hurt. Its like high level showing off. Certain other children dysregulate them too..and so we avoid those children as playmates!! Its often the same when friends come over here. when we moved temporarily to my mums while we had an extension a couple of years ago they were a nightmare..really really hard work! my solution when they are like this is to 'timetable' them..I make a list each morning of what each child will do..mostly playing apart, some 'work' with me (we home educate) and some activities which bring them together. I only have to do this for 2 or 3 days and we're settled again. I did this on returning from holiday recently.
I often wonder what sort of life i would have if i had just one of them! maybe they woud be calmer all round..but I still think they would dysregulate with other children anyway. I can cope..they just need a huuuuge amount of physical activity and well, me, to help regulate themselves. One of the reasons we chose to home educate was because i was really worried about how they would manage in a school environment..i could (and can still) forsee them getting into all sorts of trouble when they got overstimulated..they just cant help it..DD says to me 'i just dont why... my head got all in a muddle over how to behave..i didnt MEAN to do xx or xx'

having said all that, our life is pretty normal, the kids are happy and lovely, I just have to keep things calm and everyone well rested and watch we dont do too much change at once...and if we do then plan in some calm days afterwards..this weekend we are camping at a friends one night and a campsite the next..I predict the next day will be difficuot so will plan a home day..

hope that helps

kj x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Me and DH are in the same position as you Bella. The one thing I would say is Who is telling you are mad? I have a number of people telling me I am mad and a number of people telling me I'd be brilliant with siblings. Most of them are bio parents now here's the bit I have realized. The ones being enthusiastic are the people (how to put this without feeling awful about what I am saying   ) are the friends and family I deem fantastic parents and who have taken parenting in their stride. The ones who are telling me it's a terrible idea are the friends and family who found parenting harder to adjust to. 

For me none of them have adopted so can't really give a lot of insight they are just referencing their own feelings and situation as a parent. 

There are issues with trauma bonds etc and meeting all siblings needs but me and DH have discussed rules we will stick to - these are our boundaries and in no way correct just what is right for us. 

We won't have siblings that are in separate FC placements they must all be living together and must of for a prolonged period of time - basically always post teething things like a later sibling being taken and placed with them later because they weren't born etc. 

They must have been assessed as a sibling group and we will want to see how they have concluded that being placed together is best for them. 

We want minimum moves if possible simply BF FC then us, and a good time to have been spent with the FC we do intros with. I know 2 FC's and they have had sibling groups that they have kept together and sibling groups that have started with them and then been separated during placement for the children s best interest. If a FC is managing them as a group and has done for a prolonged period then they are manageable as a group? Logically?? 

Also here's the biggy - We won't say yes if we don't feel it's right / have concerns about how we would manage. Being approved for 3 doesn't mean automatically you'll be placed with 3. Auntie Katie on here was approved for up to 3 children of any age and has just brought home a 2 year old single placement. 

No situation is perfect everything has pro's and cons for me I echo what I have been told by adopters that if siblings have a good relationship this can help them cope as they are each others point of consistency through the upheaval. 

Good luck do what is right for you. That's what I am doing advice is advice and very useful and I am incredibly grateful for the advice from ladies on here but you know your capacity, experience and what you can deal with x x x x


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## ariellamcbella (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Thanks all

You have all made me feel rational again. I thought I was being logical/rational about it, but this particular person has no children, no real commitments apart from a partner, and they just always seem to poke their noses in to something that they have no experience of, but for some reason always seem to knock me off balance as they are so convinced they are correct and determined to make you see their view point that I start questioning myself.

DDTC - Thanks for your insight...it definitely backed up where our heads are at!

Wyxie - thanks for your insight...I think I would definitely handle jumping in the deep end much better than adoption once child and then soon after adopting the younger sib...We couldn't agree to adopt a child under 2 anyhow for a couple of reasons... but you have deffo given us food for thought.

Gertie/Lolly - thanks again for your initial reply...helped me put a name to some issues we had written down..

Goofy - hope you're feeling less frazzled today

Cupcake - good luck for panel...and have you 'misplaced' those glasses again as it is still VERY warm where I am? or do you live near the Herne Bay area (my friend was moaning about clouds around there earlier)

Curly...thanks for the confidence boost there...yeah that's how we feel - if we are wanting 2 anyway...makes no difference in financial terms (well actually it kinda does cause I would have to take adoption leave twice and so in the long run we'd be worse off...and whatever happens i will need to work after adoption leave so...

Keemjay...thanks for the insight... we are very ready for the reality of needing to compensate for behaviours so useful to hear it in practice

Gwyneth....I think we have the same idea....we need to know the children have lived together etc. and as we are hoping to adopt an older sib group this will def be evident. I know what you mean about the being approved doesn't gaurantee....i think in our VA it is pretty much guaranteed that if we are approved for sibs we will get linked to sibs (just cause of the amount of children they have waiting - or so that's what we have been told when asking about it). And yeah I think it is a case of the wrong people saying stuff...i should have learnt by now that these people are just nose pokers..but sometimes it just gets to me! 

Thanks all


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I find that saying "Perhaps you couldn't that doesn't mean no one can. I can't run 100m in under 10 seconds but this doesn't mean I believe no one can do that." Or name whatever you want in the 100m bit. Say it in a really nice voice while smiling no one can be cross but they soon shut up. 

Obviously  this is reserved for negative nose pokers and not supportive concern.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

my friend and i have both adopted sibling groups. yes there is the time, effort, energy etc But what we have found is that the sibling rivalry is horrendous nothing like in birth children. they are so desperate to know they are wanted, loved that they anything good or bad to monopolise your attention, get the other in trouble, tell tales. made worse by the FC who favoured one child and now that child hates the equality that we bring


this perhaps the worst aspect!


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

Hi ! We are adopting a sibling group of 2 . Aged 2 years 11 months and 1 on placement . Both are doing very well ... It is very hard work and you do feel like you've been hit with a sledgehammer for the first few months! 

I just wanted to comment on the criteria for accepting sonling groups. Our 2 were in different foster care placements though had daily contact. It def took time for the bond to build and oldest wee man found sharing adult attention difficult . A year and a half in and they have built a lovely bond. I wouldn't rule put those placed separately! I suppose it depends on the reason for this.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

We were also looking for a sibling group of two initially.  I think having two placed together will be much harder in the short term, but obviously easier in the longer term because there's no additional disruption when they're starting to settle, and they're already used to each other sharing attention.  Like someone else mentioned my older child is finding it very difficult to regulate with her new sibling in the house.  This was something we had big issues with anyway and which we'd been making huge progress with, but we've taken a big step backwards.  The bigger they get the harder it is to help them with this.

I wouldn't want to try and put anyone off if they think it's the right thing to do, but I do think it's something that should be done with eyes very much wide open!

With regard to trauma bonds, if one exists, then it's now becoming more accepted that separating the children is in their best interests.  Some LAs are now assessing siblings properly to make sure that the bond they have is healthy before placing.

All the best,

Wyxie


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Hello!  We were (as Gwyneth said) approved for up to 3 children of any age but it just so happened that at the time there were few sibs suitable.  Our SW showed us BB's profile and it was too good to pass up.  Been with same FC since he was 5 months, no known health or developmental issues, meeting all milestones and had good physical resemblance to me and DH.  It was a bit of a no brainer.

Now we've brought him home I am so glad we only have 1, I think if we had 2 or 3 I might have had a nervous breakdown, and he's not even a difficult child, just a typical 2 year old who's not sleeping very well!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I only have one but just wanted to advice asking about a sibling assessment. We were approached about a little boy aged 3 in fC since birth. Originally they were trying to place him and his brother 2 Years older together. Due to poor CPR and behavioural problems of older boy they couldn't find a family and wasted 3 years.  A sibling assessment was then done which advised splitting the boys. They were found to have no attachment and older boy was physically abusive to the younger one. I know the older boy had been sexually abused and there was inappropriate touching going on but only from my sw. This was not documented. I think if a family had taken the two boys live could have been very difficult. I'm not trying to put you off. Just make sure you get all the info you need. Good luck.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Snapdraggon, I know this is a serious subject  but I think you had better put a comma in this sentence, or the SW will be in big trouble   .



snapdragon said:


> I know the older boy had been sexually abused and there was inappropriate touching going on but only from my sw.


PS. I think 'most' people who adopted a single child would say (like Auntie Katie), that they are glad they 'only' had one to look after (I certainly would!). I think you just have more chance of actually finding the time to enjoy the experience when you have one placed at a time, rather than it being about 'firefighting', washing etc etc! This is only MY opinion though  . We are all different and there are some who of course will be ok with two at once  . Just not me, (or Auntie Katie   )!

X


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Oops that made me laugh when I reread it


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## ariellamcbella (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys...I am sure we'll be fine....just with all this time sat waiting, it is easy to everything what people are saying!!! We wwould always ensure that we asked lots of questions and went on more than just what's written in their profile and wouldn't say yes to anything we weren't confident we could cope with (behaviour-wise)!

Have a good weekend all! X


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