# Doubtful & scared about IVF.



## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Ladies,

I am a normal-weight-er PCOS sufferer, aged 38, recently diagnosed (after all those tests!) with 'un-explained infertility'.

Had 6 rounds of Clomid, no joy.

After much soul searching, opted for IVF.

Fibroid discovered, removed about 3 weeks ago.

And this is where all my doubt and panic starts.

I was told to ring the IVF Clinic when my first post-surgery period starts - so I did.  I was then told that my IVF info pack would be sent out to me within a week, then my local clinic would ring to arrange the 'how to inject' demo with the nurse and the drug company would also ring to arrange the drug drop off dates and times.

Now, until this point I was fine - hunky dory.  IVF was way "over there", a loooong time away and to be honest, I was kind of excited about it (I know, weird!).

Immediately after the phonecall it dawned on my that my IVF was no longer a distant thing, it was right round the corner and happening *soon*.  And I don't mind saying I was now absolutely run to the toilet and be violently sick terrified.


I spent many hours full of doubt - should I be doing this, is it the right thing, should I wait a little longer, should I scrap the idea all together, do I want to try it, risk getting ultra moody and stressed and killing my relationship with my husband. 


After sleeping on it, I've calmed down and I know that deep down I'm going to go ahead with it (I'd hate myself forever if I didn't and didn't fall pregnant naturally), but my rather long-winded question to you all who've had IVF - and those about to go through IVF - is:-    Is this self doubt  (and terror and panic!) normal?  I've spoken to natural pregnancy women and they don't really understand where I'm coming from.  Is this fear just me, or have you girls been through the same?

Thank you for all your words!


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Hi Marti24

Yes it's completely normal to feel this way, especially on cycle number 1, it's fear of the unknown and fear of the 'what if I go through all of this for nothing'.  For the girls who have never been through it and had natural pregnancies, they won't understand.  And probably even when you are going through the cycle and they may see first hand what you are having to go through, they still won't really understand.  Sad but true.  That's not putting these girls down, it's just the truth.  Some of my family have seen me go through this three times and the complete sadness at the end and unfortunately, they still don't really understand and will say throwaway comments like 'just try again' and 'it will work next time, can feel it'  

Don't focus on the people that don't understand.  They haven't needed to understand, they've never been through it.

Anyway, I digressed haha!  

This site is fantastic for support.  I was terrified going through my first cycle, not knowing anybody who had ever had treatment before and FF was a massive support.  

But yes, totally normal to be scared.  Best thing to do is keep talking, ask everything and anything that comes to mind and GOOD LUCK  

Daisy x


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi there,

Really quick reply as I supposed to be working....
I had a melt down after our last investigation as on e again it showed everything was working perfectly fine... I was hoping they would say, nope your not ovulating here have some clomid and off you go. Instead it was, do t know why you're not getting pg, next step ivf..... Cue meltdown. I think for me the fear has a lot to do with having to admit my body's own failure. I've do e everything to try and avoid having ivf, but looks like we're just going to have to suck it up, and I'm terrified of more failure. What if it doesn't work? How many times could we go through this and not lose the plot? 
Any way for me at least it's all about the fear of failure, past present and future.... I very much doubt you are on your own!
All the best for your tx, hopefully the fear will pass and excitement will kick in once the ball is rolling 
X
D


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Thanks Ladies - phew, it's not just me then!!

Yes, I think its also the glimmer of hope that throughout all the investigations I may be lucky and fall preg naturally and being told that nope, not gonna happen, yes, it does make you feel like a failure (and typically after being told 'nope', how many heavily pregnant women did I see on my walk to my car - honestly, like flying ants, they were everywhere!!). 

Sorry my original message seemed to get posted twice - I have no idea how that happened and am looking to see if I can delete the other one.

x x


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Definitely not just you!

Haha the flying ant comment made me laugh!  So true!  I haven't really come across or recall seeing too many bumps around lately but guaranteed, as soon as I do my first jab, they will be everywhere!

Being told IVF is the only way you will ever have a chance to be pregnant, is a hard pill to swallow but once you have that little bundle, I'm sure it will all be a distant memory and worth every bit of heart ache.  It's picturing and imagining that baby in my arms that spurs me on to keep going!  I need to make that dream a reality! x


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## VikkiStar (Aug 29, 2012)

I was exactly the same at the beginning of my ivf cycle. i doubted everything, i even doubted if i was ready for a baby! which was silly looking back, as we had been trying for 2 years and i felt ready a long time even before that! 
im now near the end of my first ivf cycle (egg collection was yesterday) and its not as bad as i thought. dont get me wrong - its undoubtedly a rollercoaster of emotions - but i was really worried about the injections and the side effects, but i was lucky and all went smoothly. now its time to keep fingers and toes crossed.

i hope all goes well for you xxx


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## smudge52 (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi, had to reply, this is soooooooooooo normal!!!! I felt exactly the same on my first go, I have to say that once we decided we were going to do it the excitement kicked in and stayed there until the day my drugs arrived and then yes it became real. But we get through it because we have to and we all know it is sometimes the only chance we have and lets face it, who out of us would let even the slightest possibility slip us by, of holding our own baby at the end of the journey.  So, we fight, we stay strong and yeah, we probably will have a lot more meltdowns along the way, but we know it will be worth it.  

I have another stone to lose and then we will be on to our third and final cycle of ivf,  I have to say, yes im excited and i just want to get on with it but yes im nervous (because I know whats coming) and more than that im scared. Scared because I know we are down to our final and last chance of becoming a complete family.  But Im going to stay strong and throw everything i have got at this go and I wish you all the best.

Sending you all


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## LellyLupin (Nov 12, 2011)

Marti yes its perfectly normal, we've all been there, its because you are in charge of making it happen instead of leaving it to Mother Nature.  Naturally pregnant women won't unstand it because it was taken out of their hands.  You will be fine, you have us now and all of us are in the same boat with you.  Welcome to the fold xxxx


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## Playdoh (Aug 26, 2011)

Hi Marti,

Yes it's completely normal   I was sooo excited to start IVF but absolutely, completely and utterly terrified too!

It's the fear of the unknown and it makes us question everything we've ever dreamed of.

Once you start the tx though you realise that it's not half as scary as it seemed.  It's full of ups and downs, I'm currently an emotional crazy woman, but tomorrow I'll be singing from the rooftops  

You'll have moments of doubt and at times you'll be screaming for the rollercoaster to stop so that you can get off. However for the most part you'll love it as it's a step closer to your dream   and to be honest, once it starts, you just go with it and do what you have to do, it's like a snowball that gains momentum and you just get swept along.  But most of all, it's absolutely fine  

Good luck. xxx


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## missbrightside (Jan 25, 2012)

Hello 

I'd echo what everyone else has said - you're perfectly normal  

We did our first cycle earlier this year and I felt every emotion you have described.  In fact even DP also had a bit of a 'wobble' days before we were due to start wondering if we should TTC naturally a bit longer ...... ! (We've been trying for the best part of 4 years now !)  We went ahead and it was absolutely fine (albeit that unfortunately the cycle wasn't successful).

We are now in the run up to starting our second cycle - and the weird thing is I'm now questioning exactly the same things as before (eg : should we be pursuing more 'natural' options ? etc etc)  I think my doubt and panic stems not from the fear of the procedure itself - but that from the fact that I still find it really hard to accept that I 'need' IVF.  Every time I go to the clinic I'm still amazed at how 'normal' all the couples there look and I still associate IVF as something that 'other people' have ....... !  I'll get through it though - as will you and all the other ladies on here - because quite frankly IVF ladies are extremely strong !!!!   

All the very best of luck to you xx


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## Playdoh (Aug 26, 2011)

Ha ha, that's so funny missbrightside - being amazed at how normal other IF couples look  

I'd love to tell you that I have a spinning head, eyes that point in totally opposite directions and a tongue that drags on the floor, but alas, I too look perfectly 'normal'  

Oh that has cheered me up no end!!  Good luck on your next cycle missbrightside   xx


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Awwww, thank you ladies for all your kind words - honestly, its really nice to know its normal and that it's not just me having the emotional wobble.  

I'm *so* glad I found this site!  Big sigh of relief  

Good luck to all of you currently going through - or about to go through - your IVF cycle.  I'll be joining you soon!  

x x


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## missbrightside (Jan 25, 2012)

Thank you very much - and good luck back to you *Playdoh*

xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Marti

you may want to consider working with someone specializing in EFT (emotional freedom therapy, or 'tapping) to get rid of those negative feelings, for me it really works!

I'd suggest you check out Sarah Holland, who had her own ttc journey crowned by her little boy, and knows exactly how you feel. She specializes in working with ladies undergoing IVF and general fertility challenges.
Good luck! x


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## shelleysugar (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Marti

I completely sympathise - I have moments of doubt but they are outweighed by the ultimate result we are wishing for.  You seem to be at a similar stage in your treatment - I start taking tablets on 3rd Sept, so thought I'd drop you a line.  It would be good to have an IVF buddy.  My meds arrived yesterday which has made it very REAL!  I am strangely excited and scared all at the same time.

I've tried EFT but it didn't really work for me - but it focuses on being positive which I am mostly so I don't think I'm the best candidate. I am having acupuncture once a week which is amazing and I will definitely keep this up during IVF tx.  

Take care and stay in touch.

Shelleysugar x


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

Mart24, I totally understand. Check out my signature, I am still in semi denial. I have no idea what the right thing to do is, but other than the financial element, there is no downside to IVF. Remember that. The upside is just amazing. Fingers crossed for BFPs. All the best.


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Shelleysugar,

Well - I have my nurse appointment this Thursday, its the "How to Inject" demo (to be honest, my plan of action for that is the "Don't look, grab and stab" method).  I'm not yet too sure on when I'm going to be starting, they did say "Soon", but one persons soon is another persons 6 weeks!  If I'm starting on this cycle, I should be down-regging around the 14th September but I guess I'll find out more this Thursday.  Nervous flippity stomach time!

x 



Hi Attagirl,

YES!  I thought *exactly* the same when my doc said to go straight to IVF (I had to sweet talk another consultant to let me try Clomid - all that did was regulate my cycle).    I know I have to try IVF, if I don't try it and don't fall preg naturally, I keep hoping for miracles,  then I'll hate myself.  I don't want to be 95 and dribbling and have any regrets in life.    I'm much calmer about it all now, but that could change on Thursday! 

x


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## shelleysugar (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Marti
Good luck on Thursday.  If the' don't look, grab and stab method' works for you then that's great!  On the thread for starting IVF in Aug/Sept there are all sorts of useful tips for injecting so it's well worth a look.  I watched a video on youtube and feel much better about injecting now - I think watching someone actually doing it sort of normalised it for me.  I didn't realise you had to mix all the drugs first - it reminds me of a chemistry experiment!

Hi Attagirl
Good luck with your journey - I know what you mean about no regrets although at 95 and dribbling I might not care less!!!!

Shelleysugar x


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

Here's to being 95, dribbling but having our dribble lovingly mopped up by our many children and grandchildren!!!


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## smudge52 (Apr 6, 2011)

Attagirl, every ivf home should have one of you, you really make me laugh!!!


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## Wishingforbump (Aug 19, 2012)

Marti I could have wrote this post lol. I feel exactly the same as u. I'm scared to death of how I will feel on the drugs, scared of being sedated, scared of my relationship being destroyed, even more scared of it nOt working and being childless. 

I am seeing a councillor at my clinic to try and sort through some of the problems I seem to b facing. I think it's also because the Ivf stuff is what "other people" have to go through. I was convinced that it would happen eventually, loads of peole used to say to me "some of us just take longer to catch" urhh I hate that!!!

Anyway, let us know how u get on xxxx and good luck xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

marti it is (from another 'perfectly normal' person having IVF) perfectly normal to have all those doubts and fears. IVF isn't something people take on lightly there's a million physical, ethical, emotional, social, relationship - all kinds of issues....to think about and work through. I had my first ivf cycle earlier in the year and i wish i had done it sooner!! it was tough and going through my second one now seems even tougher but there's no way i would have 'not tried'. 
The actual process of having IVF was for me reasonably straightforward, the clinic were organised, the nurse told me what we needed to be doing at each stage, DH got the injections ready for me, so i just could 'grab and stab' (though Very Carefully!) i think the main things to do are 
1) be very careful who you tell, even if you think they will be supportive, you will meet all kinds of reactions and it's difficult to deal with some of them, from the 'over-interested' to the 'assuming it is guaranteed to work first time' to the 'convinced you've gone mad'... tell as few people as possible, it's easier that way. Though do tell SOME people or you'll go mad trying to make excuses for stuff. 
2) treat yourself - make the bad bits bearable, i had a load of chocolate waiting for me in the car after egg collection (it was easter time, ish) and after every injection i get a haribo gold bear ( which when it's 3 injections a night = 3 bears!) which i like, helps make it more enjoyable. I also like to inject just before there's something on the telly to watch, so it immediately takes my mind elsewhere. 
3) it's worth keeping some kind of diary, then if you have to do it again you've got something to compare to. 

xx good luck with your ivf i hope you get your BFP!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

oh and i was terrified of having a sedative for egg collection but it was absolutely fine, the only bit i didn't like was them putting a thing on my hand (cannula?) to put the drugs through. didn't like that bit! 

i had a bit of a panic attack just before we did the trigger injection so i shall be on the lookout for avoiding that this time around! think i wasn't ready, emotionally, for being at that stage.


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi ladies,

Well I'm a lot calmer about it all now - I'm actually having my first stem scan tomorrow (I had my first stem last Wednesday). I found once I'd got started the nerves melted away'
, I was focused and calm - OK maybe not that calm for my 1st stim shot! 

To be honest I'm not overly keen on the sedation for egg collection even though I was told its not like an operation sedation which I had in June and left me foggy for nearly a month. My fear now is the cannula, words cannot express how much fear and loathing I have for those things!

Good luck all who've started and deep breath, be strong and you'll be a-ok to those waiting the green light from the clinic. 

X x x


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

thanks smudge, just saw this. v sweet! hope the preps for your cycle are going well!


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Am just noticing this post now - glad others feel the same as me!  Every day seem to go through a range of emotions, from excitement and feeling positive, to scared, anxious and wondering if I should have TTC for longer - even though it's been 5 years!!!  Suppose the rollercoaster is just to be expected....


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## smudge52 (Apr 6, 2011)

irishflower welcome to the normal people   i dont think it matters what stage we are at, the emotions dont change and yep welcome to the rollercoaster everyone on this site is fantastic  

attagirl your welcome and yep finally had my af and start with gonal f tomorrow   im excited at the moment but who knows what tomorrow will bring       who knows lol


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

Marti
I haven't read the full post but saw your terror about the sedation. I had a needle phobia before starting tx and though I have got much better still not great, I used to cry before going to the doc for bloods or an injection. Going through IVF does numb it to some degree but OH does all my jabs. 

Re the sedation I was and still am terrified of the needle in the back of the hand, luckily my anaesthetists have been very kind and understanding. I buy and use Emla (over the counter at the chemist), someone else needs to apply it practially you couldn't do it yourself, it is a cream over which you apply a clear thin film - over an hour before sedation and it numbs your hand. I put it on both hands so that either could be used, I even ask them to take the other one off once I am under, that much of a wimp! It does help a lot I feel, doesn't stop my nerves but feels I have done something. You don't need a prescription for it and my clinic is used to it.  I also had hypnotherapy to help me too. 

This is a roller coaster journey that's for sure and the emotions are unreal at times.  The very best of luck, if I can help in any way please let me know. 

Best of luck to all


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Tiny,

I actually bought Emla before my EC - I put some on my left hand and covered with clingfilm and left it on for the journey to Oxford.  Was surprised at how effective it was...... However, to my horror, they went for my right non-numbed hand!!!  Then they couldn't find a vein (I think they'd all gone to ground in pure fear), so rather than cause me more distress, they put the needle in the crook of my right elbow.  It hurt a teeny teeny bit and I imagine it would be better in the elbow for lots of people as the skin there is softer isn't it, plus us IVF / ICSI ers have had so many blood tests although we're not fans of them, a needle there is more mentally acceptable than one in the hand. 

x x x


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