# Ashamed of my feelings



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

In my other post I spoke about a couple we know who we thought were hiding their pregnancy. Well the announcement came - she is 16 weeks along.

I am just so consumed by jealousy and rage. I told dh not to invite them over any more and that he better not buy them a congrats card. It's really horrible but I just want to be nasty to them. I feel so wicked and mean but I feel such hatred towards them. What have I become? Don't worry - of course I will not say anything to them. My strategy will be to avoid all contact for now. But I really don't like myself for feeling this way. This is not me - but it is right now. I'm like some dried up bitter old witch, who can't bestow any good wishes on anyone else. I'm a monster. I'm wondering why it has hit me so badly - and I think it is because lately we have been really trying to close off our hopes of becoming parents. Also - I feel cheated by life. The woman is the same age as me - and yet she was so optimistic about getting pregnant - and she was right. Why do I always have to see others have great luck. Why not me? (I don't expect an answer!) But that is the feeling.... I am in a lot of pain.
Bernie x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Bernie, didn't want to read your post and not comment as you are so sad today. Please don't be so hard on yourself, grief takes many different forms and is a process we need to go through in order to move on. It seems that your friends announcement has come at the same time you and your DH have closed the door on adoption. On one hand you are trying to accept your new path and on the other it is challenged by this news. Of course you are going to be hurt and angry. If they are good friends they will give you space and understand that this is difficult for you at the moment. I have endured these pregnancies for years so I know what it is like for you.

You have a great DH and I am sure that together you will get through this. You won't always feel this bad, with darkness follows light, always. Feel free to chat away to us.

Big hugs


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hiya,

It is a funny old game isn't it.  One person makes that announcement and we are 'fine', the next, we seethe with jealousy.  I put the 'fine' in inverted commas because to tell you the truth, I don't think it is 'fine', we cope.  
It is healthy that you realise that at times reactions require monitoring, just take your time.  There have been times when I am sure that I have come across as being a 'desparate', childless woman.  I then think, that is not right, I can't shut people out just because they have had the good fortune to have their much wanted family, and for me there will never be a miracle.  At times like this, when I need some TLC, preferably in a child-free environment  I make myself my favourite meal, open a bottle of good wine and have a bubble bath.  That way I am the centre of my world and I can reflect.  I find it really works.  There is a guy at work whose is about to become a dad and I am bombarded with his screensaver of the scan picture every day, I even plucked up the courage to say congrats the other day.  It made me feel good because I did it in my own time.  I feel that for every person that I shut out, it is one less friend in the world.  If others shut me out because of my infertility, that is their problem.  I want to be in the right.

Anyhow, big hugs to you and get yourself some TLC.

Nat. xx


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## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Dear Bernie

It is no wonder you feel like this and i wanted to send you a hug   its so hard as you cannot help how you are feeling and however hard you try this overwelming feeling takes over,  Its just not fair.  I have said so often to DH that i've turned into a bitter old bag and sometimes i really don't recognise the person i have become,  we didn't choose the life that we have been dealt and it seems like everyones else lifes are so "perfect"  .  Maybe keep your distance from these "friends" for a while and look after each other.

Love Lisa x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Bernie  

So sorry this has hit such a raw nerve with you - I'm sure many of us understand the way you are feeling. At times like this it really seems that some people do have things easy in the getting pregnant dept doesn't it? It seems your instincts about her were right then all along, weren't they hon?

Know there isn't much I can say about how you are feeling, just wanted to let you know I feel for you and what you are going through at this moment in time and wanted to acknowledge this.

Much love, hang in there hon - you certainly aren't a monster, simply human and learning to live with the cards that life has dealt you - its not easy hon

Be gentle with you, ok?
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Bernie,

It can be really tough to cope with the feelings we experience when other people seem to gain so easily the things we have fought for and have had to let go.I think Yamoona is right that this comes at an especially difficult time for you as you have decided that adoption is not your way forward.

Please try not to feel bad about yourself. One of the reasons envy is not an easy emotion to deal with is that we feel guilty for even feeling it. But it is perfectly natural in your position and you know that you will not lash out at these friends. Like the others, I hope they will give you some space. Do they know what has ben going on for you and that you have decided that the option of adoption is not for you? If not, maybe DH could let them know that you need time to process all this before you feel ready to socialise?

I know what it is like to feel you have lost the real you. You thought that you was a person who would become a mum, and when you know that this is not to be, you are left wondering who you are after all? Left with a lot of grief, with feelings that life has let you down and feelng envyous of luckier people can be very confusing. I wondered if I would ever feel like a whole person again.

I know you to be a warm, sensitive, funny and caring person. Right now you need to look after yourself and your relationshipwith DH. Focus on that and I promise things can slowly get better. Some friends will have the space in their lives to support you if you reach out to them. Some may be too tied up with big events in their own lives, and that is only natural for them, the best of them will welcome you back when you are ready.

We are all here for you when it gets too tough.

Lol
Jq xxx


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## CathE (Mar 11, 2005)

Aw Bernie you've nothing to feel ashamed of. I'm going through similar emotion at the moment. 2 people at work have had babies recently and were showing pictures and I just wanted to slap them and tell them to go away.
Anger is a natural part of the grieving process and it's ok to feel like this - it's so unfair.
I've got chromosomal issues so I'm prone to miscarriage and that coupled with my age makes it unlikely to have a baby, although my consultant says I can I'd rather put closure on the whole issue as we can't take any more disappointments.
I'm going through the depression stage at the mo and finding myself crying every day but deep down know that this is a positive step to working through the grieving process and we're looking forward to adoption.
So if you need an anger buddy I'm here.
Big hugs
Cath x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Awwww thanks everyone for standing by me. You are my rocks when I'm falling apart. I'm gradually feeling a bit better. Funny thing - I went to my doctor yesterday and we got chatting (unheard of!). So I told her that last year amidst my deep depression  (after failed FET), which she knows about VERY well, I did a 170km walk around Mont Blanc AND wrote a 60,000 word book. She just looked at me and went - "Don't you realise what an achievement that was in spite of everything?' And you know what - I do. I am proud that I am still standing and ready to climb new 'mountains'.
I know I will come back to the old me. For me the greatest challenge is to keep an open heart. I'm trying. 
I'm glad that I can talk aboput these issues here - and that I am not alone in feeling this way.
Cath - I am so with you when you say "just wanted to slap them and tell them to go away". Sorry it's tough for you right now. You have come to the right board. Post here as much as you need to. You can see how much support there is here.
But for me, I can feel that maybe an 'up' is round the corner....
Bernie xxx


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## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Sending you big     
I hate reading about how down and sad we get but love knowing here  there is people we can lean on because unfortuately we feel the same.
Take care 
love from Suxxxxxxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Bernie, you are amazing!

No wonder you feel that an up maybe just around the corner. You have so much energy and positivity. What about you writing a book and walking around a mountain?

As for keeping an open heart, you give so much here that it is clear you can do it!

With love and respect,

Jq xxxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes Sue - we can lean on each other thank goodness! Thanks jq! I know I'm blowing my own trumpet - but I guess it's useful to remember the things we have achieved. Thank you for your kind words - made me  
Lots of love,
Bernie xxx


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## miche37 (Dec 4, 2007)

Hi Bernie

I could have written your post myself.  When a colleage who was a good friend of mine announced she was trying for a baby and fell pregnant 5 minutes later despite being morbidly obese and having either polycycstic ovaries or endometriosis i wanted to strangle her.  I couldnt look at her for days and made a total **** of myself in floods of tears at the office.  I felt like such an idiot.  Even my DP said am i not overreacting a bit.  

Thankfully she's been off sick a lot and i've gradually come to terms with the fact i am going to have to sit opposite a pregnant woman for another 6 months (she's 3 months now).

You're not alone and these feelings are completely natural.  Why so easy for some people and for us its years of torment and misery.

Anyway, anytime you feel like a rant you know where your FF's are.  This board is a lifesaver for me.

Michelle x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Michelle. Sorry that you will have to watch your colleague growing to be 'size of a house'. I know how hard it is to put on a brave face at work when everyone will be jabbering on about her pregnancy. You will have to draw some boundaries for yourself - like leaving the room if it gets too much (if she hands round the scans - oh so yawn!) Or maybe just being pro-active in changing the subject if it begins to sound like an advert for mothercare.
But if it's any consolation, it probably will be no picnic for her if she is so obese and (if she is like a woman I once knew who was very big) she may well have to take the last few months off – so you won't have to see her for the full 6 months. As you say, there is always this board to come to - we understand what you're going through. And it's ok to be upset and angry about this sort of thing.
Bernie xxx


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## wishing4miracle (Sep 7, 2006)

i just wanted to give you a  

this happened when i found out about a cousin.she fell pg by accident. and its taken me that long to try and forget it that i only saw her and her daughter afew months ago and shes just turned 2.shes a lovely little girl.she even wanted to be picked up and cuddled by me.and to top it off shes pg again.but this one was planed as they are now married.its all a test.

hayley


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## Fluffy Bunny (Dec 6, 2005)

Oh how this post rang many loud bells with me !!!!! I had terrible feelings of hatred,anger, resentment, and wanted to "wipe that smug look of her face" feeling for a while, and even felt quite depressed after a close relative got pregnant staight away .  I now know it is very normal to feel like this, I still find it extreamly hard to sound "Happy" at anybodies news of a baby.  I am glad it is not just me after reading all the comments.


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