# Decisons after negative result



## astrid

hello
I had a negative result in february and was fine until three weeks ago and its been downhill since. I really want to beable to give up and say that this is the end of the road. As i am getting to the point where i do not feel this baby is ever going to happen. I understand there are alot more girls out there who have been through alot more, but i just want to beable to give up and say this is the end of the road... but how do you come to this decision?
Does anyone feel that you are on a rollercoaster and it keeps going around and around...
Is this normal to feel like this or am i just coming to terms that this could be it for us...
sorry but just needed to get this off my chest before i lose the plot...
love astridxxxxx


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## Suzie

hi astrid

I felt i had to reply as i couldnt have written it better myself!
I constantly feel i am on an emotional rollercoster as im sure all the others on ff do too. I often call it limbo land! 
I have a decision to make after my clomid finishes and am in turmoil too as to when i call it a day. There are so many ladies on ff who have been through so much more and they are am inspiration but we all have to make the right deicisions for ourselves.
Without ff im not sure i would have coped much longer with feeling alone with it. The site is fantastic!
I think personaly it is a very brave decision to be able to say enough is enough, it doesnt mean you want children any less
I wish you all the best

take care
suzie aka olive


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## dollyzx

Hi Astrid
So sorry you have had a difficult time , I can really identify where you are now coming from .
I've just had a biochemical PG with my 2nd IVF & feel completely gutted . I now feel I want to try to find the courage to say " enough " , but that feels like such a scarey place to be in - accepting I'll never be a mum is so hard .
I don't have any magic answers , just wanted to say you are not alone 
Love &  Dollyzx xxxx


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## Flopsy

Dear Astrid,

You sound very brave to me, to be asking these questions and I'm sure a lot of people will sympathise with your words. No need to say sorry.

For some of us IVF and fertility treatments, no matter how many attempts or how hard we try, will simply not work.

The science behind all of this is in it's early stages and the doctors who work in this field have no answers for us. Sometimes this feels more like a religion than science.

To complicate matters further there are divisions between scientists working in the fields and there will always be another doctor who claims to help and people posting to these groups to report their success using a new method after x number of attempts....

All of this is excruciating to those who have tried and failed. The lack of research into women with failed IVF cycles (for example with unexplained implantation failure) is scanty and most of the NHS clinics are unable to explain the failures or even seem to particuarly care (in my experience).

At some stage we are forced to give up due to financial, physical or emotional reasons and it is very hard to do.

There is a prevailing belief that if we are just positive enough, believe in our dream or keep trying IVF it will work. This is obviously untrue and even with unlimited resources (which most of us do not have) time and the emotional distress forces some of us to stop.

There will always be something new to try (donor eggs, surrogates etc) and I admire women who can keep going until they have a child. I don't know how far I can go.

It's very difficult to get off this rollercoaster and I wish you all the very best for whatever decision you make. I guess if I have to make this decision I will aim to take one day at a time and make a committment to give up for 6 months initially and see how I feel at the end of that time.

Hope that soem of this ramble is useful to you.
With warmest regards,


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## astrid

hi flopsy, luisa, dolly and suzie
Firstly thankyou for spending the time to reply to my issues raised i was very touched by the response. Infact it made me burst into tears (extended PMT or what?
It was difficult for me to write about this and post it as i was unsure that i would get a response and plus i did'nt want to sound abit self centered.
Its such a difficult place to be as you all well know and making decisions in life is very hard. I think family and friends forget that its just not being about a mother but you also loose out on so much. There is the feeling of being excluded and the lose of a future that most people take for granted. I cannot believe that we are not asking for much but what comes naturally to many couples and that is a family.
I think it is true that you need six months to make a decision, but in one way i am starting to feel that i may have to look at other options. This isn't easy and the realisation is to painful at times to take on board.
I am so sorry to read about each of your painful experience and my heart goes out to you all.
I am going to get a glass of wine now and i will be thinking about you all and hoping that something positive will come out of this for us all..
Lots of love astridxxxxx


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## Suzie

hi astrid

you were more than welcome for my reply!! thats what we are all here for , to support each other
Like you say people forget its not just the being a mother its the future as well, that is what i find most hard to deal with.
Why dont you join us on the inbetween treatment thread , the others are great

take care
suzie


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## Littlest

Hi All

Can I just say that I identify so much with all everyone has said. The future is so scary if say you decide to stop because then I think well what will I be?? Being a wife/partner/daughter/aunt/ etc etc is not enough is it What will we ever find that will absorb our minds as much as infertility does?

What I do know is that this journey will make us stronger than the rest at the end of the day.

A Happy Easter to you all and I hope that the sunshine lifts your spirits a little

The Littlest xxxx


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## astrid

hi suzie
I will take alook at the inbetween thread, it will be good to share all this with everyone...
hi littlest. You are so right this is a big part of our lives and without this desire where will would we be? It does make you stronger but hey what a way to go...I find it hard when people say its all meant for a reason, but maybe there is some truth in this? who knows?.
love astridxx


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## liz S

Hi Astrid,
You write so honestly and what you say echoes many sentiments that i am feeling too.

I've just had a second -ve cycle and it's beginning to dawn on me that maybe i won't ever be a mother. I've already realised this on a mental level... but somehow i'm beginning to realise this on a deeper level. It scares me.

All i can say is i wish you all the best. It's such a tough road and very lonely at times. I know that we would all go through every emotional and physical hoop imaginable if the outcome was eventually going to be positive.. but it doesn't work for everyone.

I'm not sure how many more attempts i will try. It's really hard.

Take loads of care of yourself and look after yourself.

Liz
xxxx


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## Norma

Hi Astrid (and everyone)

I just want to to say that I know exactly how you are feeling. We've just finished our 4th attempt at ICSI with a bfn. We had always said that we would stop after the 4th attempt and when there were no frosties left after this cycle that just confirmed that it should be the end for us. However, I was so so so sure that it would happen for us this time so it was easy to say 'thats it!'. Then when we got the bfn I was so so confused. 

I've been thinking..well what if its meant to happen on the 5th attempt??!! At some stage though I think it has to stop. Physically and emotionally I am so wrecked. And it is so costly. We had to go private all 4 times (I live in Ireland)

We have applied to adopt a little girl from China but it will take at least 3 years. Maybe sometime during those three years we will decided to try ICSI one more time, but for now I am hopping off the rollercoaster because I think my visit to the 'funfair!!!' is over!

Anyway thanks for listening to my rant and sending you all good wishes to get you through these difficult times!

Norma


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## Nicky

Hello everyone - only just caught up with this thread and I agree entirely with the comments already made. 

We have the added frustration of waiting for a donor - part of me wishes I was in a position to cycle when we wanted and then at least we could reach our tx limit and hopefully move on. Instead, we were told 3 years ago that we needed DE and have only cycled twice (the rest of the time is spent on a waiting list in limbo-land) 

I know it would probably feel different if we could cycle when we wished and we still didn't have our +ive - I think you must reach a time yourselves when enough is enough.

Personally, following our last -ive in January, the first thing we agreed was to cycle again - now I am not so sure as the waiting is getting tiresome .

I don't think there are answers and its very different for each and every one of us, but I hope you are able to reach a decision one way or the other very soon as it is quite draining.

I hope this has helped in someway.

Lots of love Nicky xxxx


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## astrid

hi everyone
Its so kind of you to write about your different experiences and express your fears about the future. Whats so sad about this part of our lives (journey) is the feeling of not being in control and the emotional and psychological effect it has on our lives. I really feel that we have been dealt a crap card in life. Sorry i cannot help it. Not all couples have to go through this emotional, financial and loss that we have all experienced. Also the ones you expect to be there for you let you down and you feel so alone with your thoughts.. 
Although we have all experienced different tx and maybe looked at different avenues. We all have something in common and that is we understand each other and can totally empathise with our different situations. They say time is a good healer and eventually maybe we have to say enough is enough, but that is going to be so hard. As we have all expressed. Thank goodness we are able to share these difficulties.
Love and kisses
astrid
p.s thankyou for helping me not feel alone..
also sorry how embarrassing i cannot spell 'decisions'. ha ha


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## Flopsy

Dear Astrid,

Thank you for expressing that so well!

With love from,


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## Tina K

Dear girls

This thread is exactly what I was looking for - one full of all the hopes, fears and emotions I am currently feeling. Thanks for sharing and making me feel normal for the first time in a long time.

I too am struggling with decisions. Chris (DH) and I decided we would only have 3 treatments. Now we are starting our fourth in May as I am not ready to stop and neither is he. But I think another bfn will be the end for us. I dread it like I've never dreaded anything in my entire life - all I want is a baby, and have wanted one since I was 27 - I will be 34 before my next treatment ends and I know we can't keep our life on hold forever.

I totally agree on the 'not being in control' bit - I suppose being in a reasonable job and being in control over every aspect of your life is normal - and that is why this is especially difficult.

Anyway, thanks so much for this thread. I am sorry to have not responded to you all individually, but I am at work and have to keep it short!

Love Tina xx


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## Jet

Dear Girls,
I would just like to say I agree with all of you guys, it is soo hard to make these decisions on weather to carry on having tx or to move on.
DH and I allways agreed we would have 3 gos then on the 3 go we got a postive which only lasted a week but that gave us the incentive to carry on and of course on the 4th go we got another negative... so now I am in two minds to go for number 5 or to stop... I think you need to have a break after each attempt and give you time to start feeling normal again...  
Baby dust to all
Jet


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## astrid

hi jet and tina
I am sorry to read about each of your experiences, its so flipping hard..
We all hold onto hope and thats what keeps us going. I am now coming to the conclussion that maybe we will not give up until the time is right and until then we will keep trying.
I know that this may seem odd but i hope that i will get there shortly because i want my life back because this is a awful place to be.
Goodluck to you all.
with love astridxx


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## Tammy

Hi,

My names Tammy and I found this site yesterday and what a releif to find it. It's certainly made me feel better in myself to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.

I've had endo now for over 8 years and had my fallopian tubes removed last July and was told I would have to have IVF. I had my first IVF in the middle of March and unfortunately I had a negative preg test on Tuesday. Both myself and my husband are devastated and not really sure where to go from here.

To all of you out there in the same boat my heart goes out to you all and I really hope that soon we will all get the positive test result we so desperately want.

Take care
Tammy


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## Mel

Hi Tammy

Welcome to the site - its vey hard indeed to have to try and cope with a negative result, i myself was there twice (nothing compared to some girls on here, but painful all the same).

I also have endo and had to have my tubes removed so i sort of can sympathise with how you feel, i just want to say however much pain you may be feeling now dont give up, on my 3rd go i got a positive and have a little girl now.



Mel

x x


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## carbear

Hi All

Thought I would add to this thread as I just had yet another -ve result, the third and just don't know what to do

I just don't know what to do now. We've a lovely daughter (1st IUI) but now 4 failed IUI, 1 IVF, 1 ICSI, 1 aborted IVF and now 1 failed DE. 

I know I should give up trying for number 2 as I'm 44 and the odds are so low even with DE. I only met my DH when I was 40 so it isn't from waiting. The cost privately is enormous and this last time our parents paid, which is mortifying now its failed as its been a stretch for them.

I want to move to adoption but my DH isn't sure as its only likely to be china and he has a worry about chinese children fitting in with a family. 

Am I being ridiculous? I feel that I am being so completely selfish wanting to keep on trying again.

Any thoughts would be welcome...I've no friends in the same boat and absolutely everyone tells me to give up

Carbear


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## dollyzx

Hi Carbear 
I don't think you are selfish at all , you have to do what's right for you & your family .
A neg is so soul destroying isn't it , my heart goes out to you . 
I met my dh when I was 38 , & started ttc 3 yrs ago at 40 , I've had 2 failed IVF cycles , but don't yet feel ready to give up , though realise I will have to face that decision soon .
There's a thread for us older ladies in the IVF section " Goldies trying " , why don't you jion us ? 
Love Dollyzx xx


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