# New to IVF- scared and depressed



## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Hello FF ladies,
I am new to FF and IVF having embarked on a short protocol a few days ago.
This year has been awful- a miscarriage at 7 weeks and then an ectopic pregnancy (tube removed) 3 months later all after natural conceptions.
So I am not infertile as such but nonetheless feel so anxious and scared about managing to get a successful pregnancy, we decided to start IVF.
I started stimulation of Gonal F on 1st November and have to go back for another scan tomorrow.
Despite having 14 antral follicles (6 on one and 8 on the other ovary), only 8 have responded so far- 4 of these growing quite well but 4 still only at 10mm. I am assuming that best I can hope for at EC is 4 eggs. I know that we should not expect a large number but attrition at each step means I am scared there will be none to put back.
On top of this I am not sleeping, crying every day and feeling hopeless.
Do you ladies feel the same? 
x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

don't panic! you can do this! you need One Good Embryo!!

visualise your ovaries. i drew mine! think about growing those lovely follies! egg them on!! come on follies, you can do it!         

drink lots of water and milk, rest up and get plenty of sleep.  try meditating i used youtube for relaxing videos. lots of protein food, fish, eggs etc. Also get some exercise but not too much, a daily walk is good though. the whole process of ivf and pregnancy you can only ever take one day at a time. today's task, focus on sending lots of lovely energy to your growing follies. Wrap yourself in a lovely orange blanket (or towel) as orange is the lucky follie growing colour! 

Good LUck!!! I am so sorry to hear of your losses and i understand how terrifying it is (i miscarried my first pregnancy, see signature) but you can succeed after loss. keep the faith.


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Thanks GoldBunny.
What a good plan- one day at a time and visualizing positive progress.
Did you do the short protocol each time for yours?
I suppose I just hoped for more follicles growing considering there are 14 antral follicles.
Did the Gonal F make you feel emotional or do you think it is the whole process per se that causes the awful emotional issues?
I think maybe I am just far too inpatient. 
I am 40 in a few weeks and this milestone just makes me panic more.
My AMH is 9.5 and all other hormone levels are pretty good.
I need to take deep breaths and have another focus. Meditation sounds good- I would need to practise. I work full time and my job is quite stressful at times- this is both a help and a hindrance. I could do with another project that I enjoy to shift the focus.
How are you doing?
x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'm 45 and my 18 month old baby keeps me Very Busy! I remember 40, and how it felt like the end of the world, but it wasn't. 

no i did long protocol. all the drugs send you loopy! we should all just wear t-shirts saying 'sorry, it's the IVF drugs'. Seriously though it's not for the faint-hearted the emotional side is really tough, some say it's the hope that kills you, but i think uncertainty is a nightmare to cope with. 

you can only just do one day then the next and do your best to stay positive. the meditation type stuff can take only a few minutes if you want it to, you could find a video you like and watch ten minutes in the morning before work and ten minutes at night after dinner... definitely practising makes it more effective over time. 

i never had anywhere near 14 antral follicles lol on my last cycle i had Two. 
they only let me do that one because i had had good response on previous cycles, and my AMH was half yours, so you should have time to find the right protocol if this one doesn't work. It is often healthy to think of the first IVF go as a dress rehearsal/trial run as nobody knows how you will respond until you try. different drugs bring tweaks to later cycles if need be. good luck


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Thanks GoldBunny. I like the idea of thinking of this being a dress rehearsal.
I agree- the uncertainty is difficult to handle. I almost prefer the days I have a scan booked in because then I know I am finding out information (even if it isn't greatest news). I have a scan today and I am hoping that the 8 growing follicles have grown really well and large enough for me to trigger ready for EC on Friday (the 13th- yikes). What is EC like? I think I will just be sedated (rather than GA). On my last scan (Day 8 of stimulation)I had one large leading follicle (18mm) and three around the 12- 14mm mark. The rest were just less than 10mm. I am hoping that the 4 smaller ones have caught up. You are totally right though- just need a small number of healthy eggs that fertilize well.
On my last appointment I was told that they have a number of ladies in the clinic whom only have one egg retrieved and they often go on to have a baby and equally others who have 20 and that cycle fails.
Thanks for the reassurance about age. I know we should not be ruled by these milestones but it is just the way that the statisticians like to categorize.....even though age is just a continuum.
I was given the choice to do long or short protocol- was told either could be equally successful. I thought I would give the short a go and see what happens. 
What stage are you at now with your cycle?  thanks for your lovely support x


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## andade (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi Sarah! 

Sorry to hear if all that you've been through this year. Life can be cruel.  
This website is really great and full of supportive ladies who have experienced the ups and downs of IF, so hopefully you can benefit from being on this site. 

You have a good AFC and AMH!  Lots of ladies on here have far lower and go on to be successful!  
Ive just done my first cycle of IVF (SP) and have a similar AFC to you. Try not to worry too much about the follies,  as some of the smaller ones tend to catch up by EC. For example, on Monday I had 9 follies over 18 mm and they couldn't see my LO and today at EC they collected 30. So just goes to show they still keep growing.
That sounds a lot but who knows how many will fertilise and what the quality of the eggs will be.  You might have less eggs but they  might fertilise better than mine. So don't give up hope and try to take one day at a time.


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Thanks Andade.
30 eggs - wow that is a whopper of a collection. I hope loads of them fertilise well for you.
My scan today was not great. I only have two follicles that are of a decent size- one at 21 and one at 16.
The other 7 are not really growing and are between 8 and 11mm.
Anyway the doctor suggests to trigger with Ovitrelle tonight rather than let me stimuate for any longer. She is worried my two large follicles will not last two more days of stims whilst waiting for small ones to catch up.
They left the decision to me whether to go for EC or cancel the cycle.
I feel so sad about it. I knew I wouldn't get loads of eggs but at least 4 or 5 would have made me feel better. I suppose there is a small chance more than 2 will be collected on Friday- will just have to see.
With my AMH and AFC and all the other variables such as age, FSH etc.....the doc thoughts I would produce a few more decent sized follicles. Just goes to show they don't always correlate. I started on 200iU of Gonal f and I wonder if that was not enough. Based upon some of the nomograms I have seen I should have been starting on 300iU. If I do this again I think they will start me on 300iU.
This is my first IVF cycle and I already feel like I want to give up. Crazy isn't it?
Looking forward to hearing how your 30 eggs get along  xx


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## FrenchMagpie (Aug 14, 2015)

Oh you poor thing, it sounds like you have had a really rough year so far.  

I hope your scan today went well and you are feeling more positive.  Never underestimate the effect these drugs have on our emotions, it really is quite a journey.  My experience is that things can and do change pretty quickly during a cycle.  As Andade has said, smaller follicles can grow and you may well end up with more than you thought at EC.  I’d imagine your clinic will aim for the best quantity AND quality.

The dress rehearsal analogy is a good one.  You learn so much about how your body responds.  It’s quite amazing really.  

I’m just starting my 3rd IVF cycle, also doing short protocol and I’m 40 (gulp).  My second cycle, at 39, gave me my daughter xx


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## andade (Oct 29, 2012)

Sarah, on Friday I had a few that were 10 mm but they grew a bit more over the weekend. I did stimm for 15 days which is a bit longer than most. Last week I  thought I wasn't responding properly,  whereas another lady I know on the same protocol triggered earlier.
Also, the doctor said Ovitrelle keeps stimulating the lining and will keep stimulating the follies so that might help as well. Mine was changed to Suprecur because of this, so I didn't over stimulate. 

I agree with French Magpie that  on your first cycle,  the doctors don't really know your body very well and it's a learning process. I was on 300iui  but the dose got reduced to 275 on Friday.  Another clinic said they'd start me on 200 and not used oestrogen priming which my clinic used. If this cycle isn't successful, I'm going to use it as a draft  from which to work from and improve for a next cycle. That's what your clinic will do if not successful.

Do you have any support in real life and anyone to talk to when feeling down? This journey can be a hard and sometimes  we just need to let our frustrations out and vent. 

FrenchMagpie - Wishing you well on your cycle,


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Thanks for your support. 
I have just taken the Ovitrelle. 
So in 36 hours I will know a bit more. 
I am dreading bad news. 
Hope I can tell you some good news. 
FrenchMagpie- how were your first two ICFs in terms of number of follicles you stimulated? 
What dose gonal f are you on? 
Hard to believe this time in four days I will either be starting the 2WW or realising I need to think about another cycle. 
Hard to know how to cope. 
Tempted to start taking anti-depressants. 
Xxx


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## FrenchMagpie (Aug 14, 2015)

Oh you poor love, I know it’s tough and the waiting is absolutely the hardest bit. Best of luck for egg collection. Tomorrow, right?

Remember that they will be taking so much information from this first cycle…  Not only about how many follicles you collect but how they respond and how quickly etc.  This is all useful for your next stages of treatment, should you need any.  Andade is spot on about the Ovitrelle, it stimulates the follicles to grow a little bit more before you ovulate so your smaller ones may just make it.

My first cycle was 300iU of FSH and I think I had about 9 eggs, 7 mature and fertilised and then 2 embryos on day 5. But they were quite slow and the cycle was a bust.  In hindsight, I think I was triggered too early.  On my second cycle we upped it to 450iU, which I think is the maximum and I stimmed for a little longer and had 19 eggs, so a big jump in numbers.  And it worked.  All of this on the back of intel from cycle 1.  

Andade, thank you for the wishes, fingers crossed for you too x


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## andade (Oct 29, 2012)

Good Luck with EC today Sarah!   
Hope you're feeling a bit better today,  x


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## CDUK (Oct 3, 2015)

Hi Sarah. I turned 40 in August and started our first round of IVF in Sept. I was on short protocol too due to me having PCOS. They managed to get 16 eggs (it didn't look that promising when I had scans), 11 fertilised, 6 went onto blastocyst and we had 2 transferred on 7th October. Had my first scan 2 weeks ago since my BFP, and have 2 little beans! Going for my 2nd scan this afternoon (will be almost 8weeks) and the worry and apprehension doesn't go. I'd almost rather not go and hear bad news and live in blissful ignorance! 

It only takes one fertilised egg to work, so don't lose faith yet! I've got everything crossed for you xxx


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Hi ladies. Thanks for your lovely wishes. 
You were correct- I had five eggs retrieved when we only expected two. 
Hoping they fertilise well. Having IMSI. 
Dreading the call tomorrow. Hope at least three have fertilised and are growing well. 
CDUK- yours sounded just perfect. I hope I am as lucky. 
So pleased to have you all on this forum. 
We all deserve some luck. 
 Now xx


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## Rose5 (Aug 18, 2014)

Sarah ... Very good numbers from 2 initial follies. Wishing you luck today with the call on fertilisation . I'm 41 next month and on my scans my dr is saying I will get a maximum of 5 eggs maybe less as only 5 follies. My ec is on Monday and I'm so nervous.In Feb he collected 9 but only 4 fertilised. It really is just luck and he is saying to me now it's def quality over quantity so please be positive. Iv had an awful year too and this roller coaster is never ending but I know in my heart to give up would hurt me more so sending us both positive vibes to get our happy ending xx


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## andade (Oct 29, 2012)

Congratulations Sarah on getting 5 eggs!  
Sending you lots of      that they fertilise and you get a positive call. 

Hells - Good luck with EC on Monday!  Hope you get some good numbers and very good quality.


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Hello Ladies,

Here is an update from my end. Yesterday I had the call that of my 5 eggs collected four were mature enough to attempt to fertilize through IMSI. Of these four, three fertilized and two of them are good quality.
So this morning I had two transferred.
All I can do now is hope and pray they implant well and grow normally.
It is a shame I had none to freeze.
The embryologist just came in and said they were looking good and had divided into 2 cell stage so assume that is ok.
I am sat at home just doing a few admin type jobs whilst sat on the sofa.
It felt strange to just get up off the egg transfer couch and go about everything as normal.

How are you ladies feeling today?
Hells- are you feeling ok about tomorrow?
CDUK- how was your 8 week scan?
Andade and French Magpie- how are you doing?
GoldBunny- I haven't got around to trying the meditation yet but I am definitely making time to just sit and be still and relax my mind- I am terrible at that normally.

I have a super busy day at work tomorrow- several meetings and presentations to do that usually raise the blood pressure a bit. I am going to try and relax a bit though.

  xx


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## CDUK (Oct 3, 2015)

That's fab news Sarah! Got everything crossed for you. xxx

The scan on Friday was fine. The little beans were measuring as they should. Now discharged from the clinic and off to the GP tomorrow. Kind of feel a little sad as got to the know the staff really well!

BTW, I didn't have any symptoms before my BFP (and still don't really), just needing to pee a lot but put that down to drinking more than usual to avoid OHSS and had been doing this since EC so felt no different really. This made me sure it was going to be a BFN. And as hard as it is, I'd recommend not testing until your OTD!


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

That is great to hear CDUK 
You must be feeling more relaxed now.
Will you find out their sex?

I am totally panicking already and we are only one day post-transfer.
I suppose I am stressed about them only being two cell at day two....I know this is normal but there is always a preference to see then at the 4 cell stage by transfer at day two. They were given top grading though so I suppose we just have to wait and see.

CDUK- what was your AMH and AFC at baseline and what was your Gonal F dose you used. I am interested to know in case I need to do this all over again.

Hells5- how did your EC go?

 xxxx


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## CDUK (Oct 3, 2015)

Hey Sarah. I'm a little bit more relaxed, but still every twinge or lack of twinges makes you worry!

I think we will find out their sex. I thought my OH was adamant he wouldn't want to know but he actually does and so do I!

Try not to panic - easier said than done! I've downloaded some really good relaxation apps by a guy called Andrew Johnson. They're not that cheap, but think they're really good. There's one for positive thinking! And they put you to sleep really well.

I don't actually know what my AMH and AFC were. I had blood tests but just did what I was told - never asked about the results! I started off really low with Gonal F because of my PCOS. I think I started on 75 and then went up to about 225 for my last couple of days. I started Gonal F on 14th Sept, and finished on 30th so it was about 2.5 weeks. They did everything slowly so I didn't develop OHSS (high risk with PCOS). I've got more details noted down and home so I'll try and dig them out.


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## Rose5 (Aug 18, 2014)

Hi Sarah EC went fine and we got 6 eggs so I'm now anxiously awaiting the call tomorrow about fertilisation . I know it's hard but try not to stress as the best place for your embies is back in you and even though they were only 2 cell when they went in ,30 mins later they could have divided to 4 cell so try to relax( easier said than done ) ! Xx


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Thanks CDUK for trying to get your details. Interesting you had stimulation for quite a long time.
If this cycle doesn't work out I want to be armed with as much information as possible to discuss tweaking my cycle next time.

Hells5- how was your fertilisation? 


This two week wait is tortuous- I keep getting panic attacks- I could do with some medication to help me I think.
Not sure what is best though.

I am still panicking about the fact I have only had 2-cell transfers. Reading the scientific journals it is suggesting that my embryos are slow-growing which is not a good sign.
Not much I can do though but wish I had more hope. 
Hope you ladies are feeling good and smiling.

xx


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## CDUK (Oct 3, 2015)

Hi Sarah. Where are you having your treatment? I had mine at Croydon University Hospital, with EC and ET at London Fertility Clinic. My doctor at Croydon was really good. She definitely tailored the treatment to the individual, even though sometimes I didn't really know what was going on - just did what they told me to do! Reading everyone's accounts on here, I don't think anyone has had the same course of treatment, even people with the same initial problems.


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## Sarah2016 (Oct 30, 2015)

Hi CDUK. 
I am at Bourn Hall in Cambridge. 
They are a nice team. 
You're right- each treatment has to be tailored and each one of us responds differently. 
Xx


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