# Coping with "you don't know how lucky are" comments 1son but now IVF



## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Hello,
        I'm really new to this and could do with a little support.  I m 37 years old and am on my 2 week wait (day6) It's a very long story as I'm sure lots of you have too.  My son is nearly twelve now. Conceived with no problems but my life and dreams were shattered when my then husband had an affair and abandoned us when I was 8 and half months pregnant.  Spent a long time recovering and focusing on my son. He has some difficulties but I love him more than words can say. He has been asking for a brother or sister since he was 5 years old.  I couldn't believe it when I met a wonderful man - he is a wonderful father to my son.  We 've been together 6 years, got married and been trying for a baby for over three years.  At about the time we met I started having severe problems with my periods.  After a big battle with doctors finally got taken to theatre where they found I had stage 4 endometriousis.  I was a total mess and had my left ovary removed and my womb needed to separated from my bowel and put back in place.  My periods still very painful and have been hospitalised several times with them.  Anyway, we got referred to IVF doctor and we obviously have to pay privately because of my son.  It's been a battle again but I ve now got two embryos inside and I'm waiting to take test on 2 nd April.  
  The ivf treatment been difficult - high fsh, low fmh, scarring, retrieving the eggs very difficult etc but what has been more difficult is the lack of understanding from some people.  I had to tell work cos easier to tell than not.  My boss been fine with me being off/appoints etc but response was 'you're very lucky you already have a son if it doesn't work you re just going to have to get on it' I 've also had 'why haven t you had another baby - your son will be lonely' from other people.
It's just heartbreaking hearing these things.  I know I am blessed with what I already have but is it so wrong to want just one more child with my new husband? I feel so guilty at not being able to have a child for my husband and so bad for my son.  Nobody seems to understand and comment like the ones I ve received just don ' t help.  This two week wait has brought all these comments and feelings to the front of my mind.  I have no idea if the ivf has worked or not - I think positive but then worry I'm going to be left devastated.  I know some people have been through so much more than me but I would really appreciate any comments that can help me get through this.  Thank you x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

I think its ridiculous in any situation to say - 'you dont know how lucky you are' its completely redundant as could apply to all traumas. 
you could say to a cancer patient that they are lucky they have a loving family to support them through all the treatment compared to a cancer patient who is all alone.
you could say to the uk flooding victims over chrismas that they are lucky its not like the sunami in thailand a few christmases ago.
people could say to me that im lucky i have a wonderful husband and can always adopt.
it can apply to any and all - 'theres always someone worse off!' 

well how about 'i dont give a s**t about other people at the moment! this is my dream and my choice to pursue it and am am entitled to be distrught if it doesnt happen!'

people take too much pleasure these days is making people feel guilty for wanting something - you are of course aware of what you have been blessed with but you have also had trumas in your life - does one blessing mean youre not entitled to any more - i dont think so! 

Hold your head high - this is your dream and you are more than entitle to try for it.

xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank you Haydan,  it's really nice knowing there are people who just 'know' what it's like thanks again xxx


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## lucemazza (Dec 30, 2010)

Hi I couldn't read and run. I am sorry you have to deal with such ignorance. I'm sure you didn't feel lucky when you were hospitalised and probably in a lot of pain after your operation. Or when you have suffered emotionally each month when trying to conceive and not been successful. 

Nobody quote understands infertility unless you have been there. It's no fun having to inject yourself night after night or have numerous internal scans. 
I have had comments from people like " oh you must be disappointed to have two boys" my response is that they were much wanted and loved and I'm very happy with what I have been blessed with.
Give yourself a little TLC think how amazing you are for coming so far and getting to the TWW. It's not an easy journey and certainly one none of us would choose. 

I wish you well for the TWW and hope it's a BFP. Nobody will ever know how wanted your baby will be not just by you but by its big brother too. 

Look after yourself 
Luce.


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank Luce your kind words have really helped.  I m so pleased you got your two boys.  I just need to stay strong and keep going xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Dear JoJo

I am sorry that you had to endure such insensitive remarks! So hurtful and unnecessary. I think IF treatment teaches us a new level of diplomacy and sensitivity, but given that not everyone has every had to battle such a hard journey, many think nothing of saying stupid things! My DH has a very good friend who has received the all clear for breast cancer. She had a really aggressive kind, and the chemo she received was so hard core, she has said that if her cancer returned she wouldn't do it again. How could anyone who hasn't endured such a difficult process even come close to understanding that? Only people who have endured processes like Chemo, IVF, etc can really know how draining etc it is....

I find that as a mother of a child already (conceived naturally), people have NO IDEA that there might be difficulty going again. When I was 6 months pg, we went to dinner with friends in London. The wife got really plastered and started lamenting that they had been trying for number 2 for a few years already. I remember being really shocked. What? Could that happen? WTF?!?!?! And here I am, with secondary infertility. But, i think in fact with a low amh, it's probably just a bit too late. People don't understand. They don't engage brain before opening their cake holes. Its very unfortunate and we/you are the ones who have to just try and rise above it. Don't let it upset you. That's the only thing you can do. Either that or never leave the house again, and I wouldn't advise that  

Try to stay calm and positive. This si the time to consider yourself PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Be good to yourself. Pamper yourself. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with DH? That's great  Take a trip over to the relationships forum for a few eye openers!! !(I was on there myself only in the last week twice!!!). I'm not going to stay count your blessings or you might want to send me a virtual slap. But do enjoy what you have. Every chance      

Rubster xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank you!  I' m ok.  Had a down day yesterday but feeling a little better today.  Everyone on this site is so supportive and to everyone of you who is reading this you are in my prayers.  Thank you again xxx


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## ixilou (Nov 23, 2013)

Hi Jo Jo
I am in a very similar situation to you and it really upsets me when people pass judgement by saying one of two things:
A) at least you have a child.
B) an only child is a lonely child. 

sometimes I feel guilty for wanting another child and other times I feel guilty for only having one! Its madness but I think at the end of the day its nobody elses business and we have to do what is right for our little families. You are trying your best to give your son a sibling and your dh a child. No matter what the outcome, if you can look back in ten years time and say, I did everything in my power and tried my best, then at least you won't have any regrets. 

I have just started stemming today and I'm already dreading the 2 ww so my heart really does go out to you. Stay strong and remember that you are doing your very best for your little family xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thanks Vixalou. I' m not good today.  9 days after transfer and I feel like I'm coming on my period.  I m getting some of my endo pains which I get high up, almost under my ribs.  My tummy bloated and just have 'that feeling'.  I get like this every month and it usually goes on for a good few days.  Test is wed 2 nd April.  I just don't know what to think or do.  If it drags on for days then turns up that will be awful but equally if I come on sooner I ' ll be shattered.  
Good luck to you xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Hi everyone,
We'll my pains just getting worse and worse. Definitely coming on period.  Due to take test tomorrow 2nd April but caved in and did one yesterday and today - both negative.  Totally devastated.  My pains just awful and just remind me of how messed up by body is.  All hope has gone.
My best wishes to anyone who is trying to get a positive this month xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Dear JoJo

I'm sorry I only just saw that you got a BFN. I'm so sorry. Those moments are forever imprinted in our hearts, they are so difficult. I hope you are feeling a little better. Have you had a follow up with your clinic? Do they have a plan for a next cycle?

Can I ask what are you doing to take care of yourself? It might sound weird to ask, but I'd like you to tell me, because I want you to think about it!!!!! Are you resting? Doing something you enjoy? Maybe plan a little family break away, even just a few day trips? Take a class? Something creative could be great - like art or singing, could really help you to get in touch with and release some pent up emotions. I'm doing an art class with my mum every thursday morning. I'm the youngest by 30 years. It's very cool - the oldies totally have their poop sorted. Life it too short - I get a lot of positive energy from them)

Let me know how you are doing. There are a lot of us on here who care 

Rubster xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank you.  We ' re going away on Saturday for a few nights.  Trying to keep things as normal as possible for our son which is really hard.  I m then off work for couple of weeks holiday but we will just be pottering around the house and having few days out.  My husband can only have one week off.  I just burst into tears when I rang the hospital so haven' t got a follow yet.  We haven t talked about another go yet.  For a start we just don ' t have the money right now and I know my husband isn't t sure because of all the pain I ve been in.  When I was given the menopour it fed my endometriosis and I ended up in hospital on morphine.  Our consultant came out to see me because the gyn doctors rang him because they were that concerned and then so was he but I got through it.  I m not ready at all to give up but I just don 't know what we re going to do.  I ve got a couple of people to tell it has nt worked - not looking forward to that.  I m in a lot of pain again.  I think I ' m just so inflamed and sore inside they did nt stand a chance.  I was so excited when I saw the embryos on the screen and now I m just heartbroken.  Our consultant is fab it's nhs hospital but treats private.  he ll probably phone once In a few days when  I've sorted myself out .  he ' s very thorough but I know he s done his very best so I don t know what else can be done.  I need to have big talk with hubby but we re just exhausted from it all. hopefully these few days away will help.  Thank you so much for replying.  I really appreciate it.  Xxx


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## 3062melissa (Jan 6, 2011)

Just want to say how sorry I am and hope you're ok.
I've suffered 5 miscarriages, one at 16 weeks the others before 7 and 1 chemical. I have a 19 year old who was born 11 weeks prem. I've been diagnosed with high nk cells. I have low amh and it has taken 18 months for us to conceive before so were trying a immune plan for 6 months then looking at ivf route. 
I understand about the comments as I get them myself and feel no one understands the longing. It's difficult with my daughter too as I feel pressured that she feels too old to be a sibling now  I'm nearing 39 so still feel young and long to extend my family


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## Seraphim (Nov 11, 2012)

The youre lucky you have what you have response is what keeps me away from forums in general.

The insinuation behind it is,that youre feelings are not allowed to exist because you are a mother already.

I don't speak these days in forums because it seems to upset a lot of women who are striving for 1 baby.I have a singleton now 19 and twins now 11- all conceved naturally,no trying.

I can vouch for my partner- who has no children- that for every woman (or man) who has kids and then finds through life circumstances,their now partner who wants to have a family with you and nothing's happening-that pain isn't eased by anyone pointing out you've got kids already so you are not allowed to be open and it makes you feel ashamed of how you feel.

For what its worth,the experience has devastated me and our lives had much greater affect beyond conceiving and it is not diminished what so ever when I look at the children I already have.Wanting to have children has nothing to do with whether you already have them or you do not,it is a simple wish to have children and so the effects of that being taken away from you ar not dimished or lessened because you already have a child or you already have 10 children.

if the want to have children exists,so does the pain when you cannot.

I wouldn't wish this on any woman,and I certainly wouldn't say any woman deserves it less than others depending on whether they already have kids or do not.


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi Jo Jo,

How are you hun? Hoping you are OK - you have been through so much physically and emotionally. I'm going to keep at you on the taking care of you front! What are you doing to take good care of yourself

R xxx


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## Jo-Jo37 (Mar 25, 2014)

Hi thanks to all of you who have replied since I last posted. I really do appreciate it and wish you all the very best.  I m ok.  We had nice few days away but when we came home just felt overwhelmed by everything.  Finally managed to talk to husband last night about what's happened.  He just doesn't know what to do next.  He wants us to be happy but is very practical about the situation.  We ll probably talk more later now we ve finally managed to get through initial pain.  He will do whatever I want but does nt want me hurting any more.  I think we ll just have to see how we feel in next few weeks.  i ve one more week off work but then back. Going to to be difficult. Thanks again. Xxx


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