# Potential donor - looking for views from the other side



## NewDonor (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi all. I posted this in the men's section as it's predominantly aimed at men, but copied it here for a wider audience so I apologise for the male dominated way in which it's written and of course anything I say in it applies to you ladies too 

First off, I’d like to say that I have tremendous respect for any men who are going/have gone through the process of accepting donor sperm (and of course any women who have fertility problems too). Not only have you overcome devastating news but you’ve shown extreme maturity and grace to undertake the donation process so that you can have a child. As a potential sperm donor I cannot lie and say I understand what you are or have been going through but I also cannot totally express my utter admiration for your decision. I’ve always admired people who have step-children and raise them as if they were their own, so I applaud and respect your decision even more greatly than that. I of course understand that in every sense apart from biologically they are your children, so I hope you understand my point and I do not cause offence.

That’s probably the most lovey dovey thing I’ve ever written so I’ll move quickly on. Anyway, one thing that has been bugging me these last few days is the issue of a child contacting the donor (I don‘t particularly like referring to them as the biological parent as I‘m sensitive to your position). As the law regarding anonymity has been changed relatively recently it is not yet commonplace for children to contact the donor, so I would just like to ask you, if you were willing, to post about your thoughts and feelings regarding it.

I personally have absolutely no problem with a child contacting me, and even if the anonymity thing was just an opt-in decision I would gladly provide the information, but as I said earlier I’m sensitive towards the father’s feelings regarding this. I would in no way actively seek to promote any kind of father-child relationship but would be quite willing to have some sort of involvement in their life once they have contacted me and the parents were okay with it (like an uncle type role I suppose), if that is what they wanted. Obviously ultimately the decision lies with the child, if they want to contact me/the donor then they’re an adult so are quite able to do that. You have taken a tremendous decision and shown an awful lot of courage in accepting a sperm donation, so I just wondered what would be your feelings if your child told you that they wanted to contact the donor and have some form of communication with him. Would you feel hurt, or would you try to actively encourage it?

From a purely selfish perspective I would love to hear from the child as that would instantly tell me numerous things about them - 1. that their parents have told them about where they came from and so they have loving, thoughtful, caring parents ( I’m not saying parents are none of these things if they choose not tell the child), 2. that the child has an interest in me as a person and would like to get to know me or just find out about my background and 3. the possibility of them wishing to have contact with my own children (assuming I have some by then). I’ve always wanted a large family, and planned to be married in my early 20s and then have a large family over the course of 20 years or so, but as you guys will know only too well, life doesn’t quite deal you the hand you want, although for me there’s plenty of time for that to happen, so to provide my children with the possibility of meeting half-siblings would be great in my mind. My future wife (I'm counting on at least one of the 3.4 billion women in the world putting up with me  ) will know before we're married that I have donated so that contact is a distinct possibility, and I will also look to inform my kids too of the possibility of future contact.

This obviously depends on whether the child actually knows that they were a result of a sperm donor, which is another question I was interested in - are most children told that they’re a result or sperm donation? In regards to adoption I think quite a few children are not told, or are told only when they’re much older, so I would be interested in having some sort of idea how sperm donation compares to adoption in terms of what children know from an early age.

Something I’m going to ask at my clinic when I meet the counsellor is whether it’s okay to, via the clinic, send some sort of congratulatory card/message once I know a child is born (of course whilst not disclosing any personal information), and if that is possible, do you have any advice regarding that in regards to whether it would be welcomed or not?

I’m sorry this post is so long, these are just questions I have that I can’t really get answered from the clinic, I need the viewpoint of people on the “other side”.  I’m 100% committed to becoming a donor, that is not the issue, it’s just how I progress post-successful donation which I’m wondering about.

Thanks for any help and good luck with the process if you're currently going through it


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi NewDonor,

We used an egg rather than a sperm donor, but i guess the way we feel would be the same! It is not only inspiring that you are preapred to donate but also that you have put so much thought into it and all the possible outcomes. I would be more than happy if our daughter wanted to contact her donor and/or her genetic half siblings and I hope that her donor is as open as you are prepared to be. I am actually fairly comfortable that she will be as she has children of her own and has donated altruistically more than once. The only thing that deflated me was the lack of a personal messge when I applied for information from the HFEA. The message you leave is at the point of donation, rather than knowing if it was successful, but from my personal point of view I would just have liked a positive message to pass to my daughter and also for myself as I feel such a connection to the lady who donated. 

I really wouldn't want to compare gamete donation to adoption as they are actually so very different. I actually chose to have a UK donor because I wanted the donor to be identifiable - I always knew we would tell our child about her donor, but felt that it would be grossly unfair to then not at least give her a chance of contacting either her donor or her genetic siblings.

You really do sound like a lovely person, and I am glad that you are prepared to help others through their journey to have a family. I hope that you get to meet your ideal partner too and have a loving family of your own, though I think there will be ladies snapping up such a kind and thoughtful man!

Thank you for even thinking of donating - it really is the most precious and selfless gift.

Caroline xxx


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## NewDonor (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi Caroline,

Thanks for the response and for your kind words. I understand your point regarding the adoption /gamete donation. I didn’t mean to insinuate that they were the same situation as of course they’re completely different.

As for the message, I have roughly outlined a letter that would be for the child if they looked to obtain more information about me. In it I try to get my point across that I am willing to meet them but do not want to impose myself on the family and realise that it can be a tricky situation. I also have many, many bullet points that I want to cover to give them as much information about me as possible without the need to meet me, so if they were just interested but didn’t want to meet me I can provide them with an in-depth account of my history, interests etc to try to help them define who they are and why. I reckon it’ll probably be at least 4 pages of a Word document so I hope the child inherits my love of reading  . Do I also leave a message for the recipients then as well? To congratulate them and to say to them I’m willing to meet the child if they decided to tell them etc? And also to say I would be willing to donate more in the future if they wanted a sibling? (I’m not sure if that’s possible)

I just wanted to send them a card just to say congratulations on giving birth etc as I want the clinic to tell me when my donations have been successful.


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## Beazie (Jan 30, 2011)

Hi NewDonor,

As a egg recipient I think it's best for parents to be open with their children about their conception. You can write a goodwill and pen-portrait messages for the children, the parents can also have access to that information so that they can provide information to their children and answer their questions, the information should also be available to patients looking treatment with donor gametes so that they can make an informed choice when selecting a donor. For some patients like me it is important that the donor has written a goodwill and a pen-portrait messages (these are optional and some donors don't complete them) and that she will be open to future contact and has taken care to write enough about her so that the recipients and their children know what she is like.

As a donor you can also find out how many children were conceived thanks to your donation, their sex and year of birth. Regarding the birth congratulation message it's up to the clinic if they want to pass it to the recipients, it's worth asking and it's a nice gesture.

Your attitude to donation is the kind of attitude I'll want from my donor, i.e. understanding you are not the parent but you are nevertheless the genetic father of a person who might want to know more about you and any half-sibling.

I also would like the donor to be aware that any hereditary medical condition that might one day affect their family should be passed to the clinic or HFEA so that any children conceived with their gametes are aware of it.

Parents want their children to grow happy and confident, if that means knowing about the donor and one day meeting the donor and their half-siblings then the parents should be OK with it.

More information on donor's information, rights/responsabilities on HFEA website:
http://www.hfea.gov.uk/1962.html
http://www.hfea.gov.uk/1974.html

You might find the DCN site interesting: http://www.donor-conception-network.org/

I wish you all the best in live.

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