# Fear of everything medical esp gynecological



## angeljoma (Jul 18, 2011)

Hi, 

I am new to FF and due to have my first round of IVF/ICSI in six weeks time (nasal spray starts this week). 

My partner has a mobility problem, which means that we are unable to conceive naturally, I have no known problems as of yet. 

One aspect that I cant find any support for is fear of the process in a literal sense. Of course the outcome is important, but I am finding it exceptionally difficult to drag myself through this nightmare. What women have to do to have a child if unbelieveable...and men have to do SO little. Personally, I find it incredibly unfair that I have to face my greatest fear (internal exposure and hospital procedures) when there is nothing wrong with me. The fear/dread I feel as I drive the hour and a half to the clinic and sit waiting to find out what is expected of me next, results in my body becoming cold and shaking, tears rolling down my cheeks and an overwhelming feeling of hostility towards the world (and so far, I have not had to any of the hard bits!). I also spend most of time crying at just the thought of having a scan/egg collection etc. 

I know you are all thinking, "how on earth is this woman going to get through childbirth?" but lets take things one step at a time...I do not know i will be that lucky. 

I hope I do not sound ungrateful for this opportunity, because I am, but I feel so distraught at the process that I find it near impossible to see past it and focus on my hopes for the future.  

Does anyone else feel as emotional about the process as I do? 

Scared of Norfolk x


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Angeljomo - welcome to FF hun, but you're right we girls certainly get the thin edge of the wedge going through treatment.  I have to confess that I was more than a little let down when my clinic didn;t put my hubby through a surgical sperm retrieval - I know that sounds extremely callous, but I felt that the pressure and weight of expectancy lay squarely on my shoulders.  All hubby had to do was give me cuddles or steer well clear (depending on my particular mood swing at the moment!!!).

It's true it can be very embarrasing going through treatment, but the staff are very friendly and are used to putting our minds at rest as part of their jobs. Besides which, although it's embarrassing and uncomfortable, your dignity is respected at all times.  

The internal scans are only a treatment aid, to check on the progress of your bodys reactions to the medication, by the time you get to egg collection, you build up such a rapport with staff that whatever is going on elsewhere is merely a distraction.
If you are particularly worried about your egg collection, you can always talk this through with your clinic and they can amend your medication and provide you with more relaxants.

It may be beneficial for you to take up any offers of counselling which may be offered at your clinic.... if you go through treatment stressed and worried, it'll only exaccerbate your concerns.

But we're here for you every step of the way.... any worries or concerns you have please post.
Best wishes 
Sheila


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## angeljoma (Jul 18, 2011)

Thanks for replying Shelia. 

Unfortunately, it looks as if I am on my own on this one, as no-one else who has looked at my post has had anything helpful to say.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

angeljoma said:


> Thanks for replying Shelia.
> 
> Unfortunately, it looks as if I am on my own on this one, as no-one else who has looked at my post has had anything helpful to say.


Don't worry about the lack of responses Angel, some people who have read your post and not replied may not have had much to add to my response - on the flip side, many readers are still to go through treatment themselves.

I'm sure you'll get more responses soon.
Best wishes
Sheila


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## Cherry Tree (Apr 8, 2007)

Hi hun, didn't want to read and run. Firstly    IVF is difficult enough without the added fears/phobias of hospital procedures. Although I can't say I felt exactly the same as you, I did use to dread my internal scans. I have always hated any type of treatment down there. I was just wondering how you get through your smear tests? Do you have a strategy to help you through them? 

Have you discussed your fears with your clinic? Although you may feel embarassed by talking about it directly to them, they may have some helpful tips? Maybe you could try a relaxing type of music whilst having the internals? Something that you can focus on once it is being done? 

I have to agree with Sheilaweb that by time you get to your EC, although maybe not 100% comfortable for you, but more at ease. I think they are very understanding that us women do go through a lot and that some find internals very difficult    Do you have a good friend or a member of family you could take to the appointments ( not in the room with you) but someone to keep you clam leading up to the appointment?

Please continue to post here or on any of the other boards for support. Although some might not have the same fears as you we can help you through your treatment by giving you support and if nothing else somewhere you can come to put all your thoughts into words as a release. 

Good luck with starting down regging and keep us updated hun 

xx


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## Juls78 (May 2, 2009)

hello angelajoma! where to start! 
i really feel for you really do, this process is difficult enough without all the emotional turmoil we find ourselves wading through. 

i knew dh had a problem pretty much from the start of our relationship but put blinkers on and buried my head i the sand- thinking either we wouldn't get that far or it would sort itself out. butwe did get that far and it hasn't sorted itself out. I struggle everyday with feelings of bitterness but have to remind myself that it was my decision to continue on the path i did. 

i remember lying in bed as a very young girl (10 i think i was) thinking - where will i be by the year 2000, (2 i assumed i would be married with at least 3 children, but in 2000 i had just met dh. Life has not gone the way i expected at all.

after trying for 3 years we decided to seek help- and that was when we got on this rollercoaster. we have been on it now for 3 years and even now at 28 weeks pg the scars of treatment and infertility are there and will always be. 

i am not judging you on your fear of medical stuff - but to get our dream we have had to get tough put on the face and get on with it- well in front of others anyway (tears we kept to ourselves) . my one piece of advice is to take each part of tx at a time and deal with that before looking too far forward to the next bit. I like to know what happens next but there is some comfort in the unknown sometimes too. sometimes fear of the unknown can be worse. 

i hope this cycle is the one for you and you do not have to go though it again but if you do you will be more prepared.

I agree with sheilaweb, i think you should definately look into the councelling that your clinic provides and also consider reflexology or accupuncture as i found they helped me relax a bit. 

i wish you so much luck and strength- i suppose the outcome is the important bit.   

julsxx


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## agate (Nov 14, 2008)

having been through a lot of problems with panic attacks and anxiety - although not related to Tx - I can sort of identify with what you are saying.  you might find things just get easier the more you get used to it, or alternatively you might want to try addressing your anxiety directly with say, CBT or EFT therapy?  you might find your fertility clinic can help you out as they do have to deal with lots of of ladies who have anxiety issues - in some cases, they might be willing to prescribe something like valium to help you get through the aspects of tx that you find the hardest... until they get easier for you?  lots of ladies do have panic/anxiety relating to one aspect of Tx e.g., needle phobia, or agoraphobia (getting to the clinic, say) - and they find ways of dealing with it but its different for everyone - what works for one lady might not work for another.  

best of luck

A x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Anjeljoma  

Its not a nice feeling and I know only too well how uncomfortable it can make you feel.

My way of dealing with it was to keep in my mind that the staff are doing this procedure all day long and my "bits" are just one of many they will see.

When I had my scans they showed me the screen and I concentrated on that more than anything.  They will be discreet with you - cover you with a blanket and chat about the weather or whats going on in the world to make you feel at ease.  They will also leave you to get undressed/dressed at your leisure  

Just think - its only for 10 mins ish (if that)  from start to finish - and then you can run out of there.  By which time they are on the next patient and not even thinking about you  

Do look at counciling to help you along - ask the clinic if you can have GA for egg collection and tell the staff how this makes you feel.  If they know then they can do things to help you  

Stay strong angeljoma - we will all be here to hold your hand with you.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Anjeljoma

I was so scared of things medical and the thought of investigations/treatment for infertility that I put off asking for help for five years despite being desperate to have a family.  It was only my loudly ticking biological timeclock and a very perceptive GP that finally got me on the tx route.  I found the thought of it all extremely difficult and I still remember crying all the way home from my first IVF clinic appointment (a three-hour journey) as I felt that it was so unfair to need treatment and I was dreading what lay ahead.  What really helped me get to grip with things, however, was the thought that if thousands of other women could go through IVF every year, then I would jolly well manage to do it too. 

I won't tell you that it is easy but I do agree that the staff who deal with you will make things as easy as possible for you - they do these procedures all the time and they know that women hate them/fear them/are embarrassed about them.  I found that Bachs Rescue Remedy got me through alot (including EC which I was terrified of).  Wearing a long, loose skirt also made scans much easier - no need to take the skirt off and a bit of dignity is retained.  If you are really anxious, tell your clinic as they should be able to help with counselling etc. Focusing on why you are doing it also helps (ie what you are trying to achieve) helped me, and I also found it really helpful to take things one step at a time - and each appointment is another hurdle passed.  And I think it does get easier - not easy but easier - as you go along.

I ended up having three fresh IVF cycles and a medicated FET - as well as pre-eclampsia, an emergency c-section and premature baby, and another planned c-section - quite a list for someone with a fear and dislike of all things medical.  However, I can tell you that every moment of fear and embarrassment was forgotten when I held each of my babies.  And even when I had had two BFNs and there seemed very little chance of success with future tx, I never regretted having the tx as otherwise I would always have been wondering "what if...?"

When I found this site half-way through my first IVF 2ww, it was a revelation as I had felt so isolated and miserable up until then.  Knowing that other people feel the same way seems to help somehow, and there is a tremendous amount of support available on FF.  

Hoping that some of my ramblings are helpful, and sending you lots and lots of good luck wishes for your tx.

Ellie


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## Geordie_chick (Oct 18, 2008)

Hello Anjeljoma

I wanted to just add to the reassurances given already and empathise with how you feel.

It can be a lonely process for us ladies hence FF being so busy.  I find that just taking my husband with me is a reassurance so if he can come with you or a good friend it does help.  I really urge you to let the clinic know how you feel and see if you can have tour around so you know where you're going.

All I can add is that I hate medical stuff too and we've done a few IVF cycles now as you can see from my profile. I think it helps to take one step at a time and keep in mind that end goal. I had a right wobble last week when I went through my protocol and injection training. I also go with the mantra, soon this will be over which has got me through lots of things.  At the end of the day all those staff are on your side so trust them and confide in them.  I've not met one person in this journey who hasn't been nothing more than reassuring when I've panicked.

This sounds mad but as much as I hate my body sometimes for being so hopelessly infertile, I am amazed at how me and my mind go it through IVF - told you it sounds mad   but I am extraordinary proud that I've given it my best go.

Lots of


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi Anjeljoma

I can kind of understand.  I have (had) a condition taht ment that i was very prone to fainting.  I have fainted loads of times at my GPs and at the hospital.  This was not becasue i am scared of needles or internals but its just something my body does when its stressed, but knowing that i am very prone to fainting used to worry me sooo much that it would add to the problem and make me more likely to faint!  Putting it bluntly it was a total bxxxdy nightmare.  

I wandered how the hell i would cope having ivf, i was worried about driving to the clinic by myself (1 hour drive) knowing that if i fainted i would not be able to drive home.  I worried about fainting in the clinic and creating a fuss.  It  caused me so much worry on top of worrying about it working.  Anyhow i have some how managed to go through 2 rounds if treatment and can honestly say that the worrying about treatment is far worse than the treatment it self   .  Let me reasurre you, you will cope and you will get through it and you will be proud of your self at the end.

Find ways of coping, i used to do all sorts.  Eg i always wair a long skirt for an internal as i can just pull it up rather than take it off, It helps me feel not so exposed.  If i need an injection i ask them  to get on and do it, talk to me about it after.  I also used to sing as this stopped my mind going into over drive.

I honestly can not tell how much fainting had a hold over my life, not just medical either.  So the fear of starting treatment was horrific.  But after 2 rounds of treatment i am pretty much over it.  I can attend any medical appointment by myself and inject myself and basically take control of my treatmetn with out fear.  

Have faith in yourself you can do it. xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Ohhh that reminds me Coweyes, my hubby is a fainter too, and faints everytime he is approached with a needle.  But because we made our clinic aware of this, they made arrangements to ensure that there was a room available with a bed to coincide with our appointments when checks had to be done, so he did all of his procedures done from the comfort of a bed, so if he did faint, there was no harm done.

Angeljoma, obviously we're all uncomfortable and embarrassed going through this type of thing, which obviously, reading all these wonderful and supportive posts, manifests itself in a whole host of emotions and other medical conditions.  Believe me hun, the staff at your clinic will have your very best interests at heart.... let them know how you feel and they will accommodate whatever you feel is the best coping mechanism for you - whether thats relaxing music, wearing your bottom half clothing while the procedures are being done.  But I would also arrange an appointment with the counsellor, they may be able to recommend self coping strategies too and liaise with the clinic staff accordingly.

I hope this helps.... 
Best wishes
Sheila


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## angeljoma (Jul 18, 2011)

Thank you ladies. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only person out there that feels this way. 

I have told my clinic, however, I have not been offered any helpful options to get me through it so far and I really just feel like another round of IVF walking their halls, as I do not know one nurse from the other. Maybe this will change when things get more intimate and they realise exactly how much it "freaks me out". I do have the opportunity to access counselling, but decided that talking it over repeatedly wasnt a good option, as it would depress me further. Prior to the start of all of this, I was put forward for CBT, but that involves you facing your fears head on and going for numerous medical proceedures was not an option! It has also been suggested that I have EC under GA in case I cant cope under LA. Although I see the benefit of this for the doc and myself, it is just another medical proceedure to worry about, so does not put me at ease. 

The skirt and Bach remedy suggestions are excellent and I will take them on board for sure!  

I guess my biggest complaint with it all is the injustice. Yes, I can get through it, even though it is my worst nightmare and I feel like Im going insane, but that will pass in time I hope. But the knowledge that my partner has to do sweet FA, when the problem lies with him, really p***** me off. It makes me hate being female SO much and yes, I do wish he had to have sperm retrieval just to create some balance in all of this (rant over). 

On a lighter note, I have now started the nasal spray and after a grand total of four days, i already feel grumpy and like i am carrying around the start of a cold. Is this normal?

Jo


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## KerriJo (Jun 25, 2011)

Hi Angeljoma 

When I had my first appointment with my clinic in April, I was totally unaware that part of the appointment would be an internal scan. In fact, had I known, I may have put the appointment off a lot longer!!

But there I was, so I clenched my teeth, lay back, and it was over in a flash. It was fine, didn't hurt, and the consultant was fantastic.  I am a bit of a wuss in general, I pass out at smear tests, and the blood doning people have written me a polite letter along the lines of 'thanks for the offer of your blood, but please don't come back'!! as I just pass out (the most recent time was when they pricked my finger!!).

So although we may dread our bits being exposed, a few minutes, and it's over  

Jo x


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## speeder (Jul 9, 2008)

Hiya - just wanted to say that before we discovered about our tx problem I had a big issue with exams etc. Didn't have my first smear test or anything. Eventually I bit the bullet and had one and it was fine. When we started tx I was really worried too but honestly after the first few times I stopped caring. You get a towel to keep your dignity so for a scan they hardly even look. They have seen a million women before and don't care! 

As for feeling bitter towards your husband- it's an interesting one. You are the only other person I know who has admitted it - other than me! It's exactly how I feel. In my case I felt so hacked off that I was the one having all the inconvenience, early morning starts for scans, disruptions to my job etc - yet there was nothing wrong with me. We are only human and it's totally natural to feel that way. My dh felt bad enough as it was so I moaned to my family instead - have you someone to talk to? And once you have your baby it will all feel soooooo worth it. 

Really recommend the Bach remedy too. I also like the bush flower remedy - womens blend. Plus acupuncture is great for stress relief! 

Very best of luck


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## samantha_clarke (Jan 10, 2012)

I too am wondering how I am goingto cope with the medical sides of ivf. 
We are self funding and Will be starting ivf in June, I'm already having break downs on the medical side of it.
We have been trying for almost 9 years. I'm infertile. I have a needle phobia, which seems ridiculous given the fact I'm going to have to inject myself everyday. I'm planning on some therapy before hand and also a are planning on having a needle from the doctors in the house. For me to eventually to be Able to pick up and use on fruit eventually. 
I'm already in tears each day about this fear. But long for a baby so much. I just have to get over this in the first instance! 

I just can't see how. 
Its a daily struggle.


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## flowerfaery (Apr 26, 2012)

Samantha, CBT is a really effective form of treatment for phobias.  It's available on the NHS so have a chat to your GP, but you may want to go private if there's a long waiting list.  It isn't expensive and a couple of sessions may be all you need.  Alternatively shut your eyes an get someone else to do the jabs   But do talk to your GP as this is a common phobia and it is treatable.
On the topic of internal scans you can request trans-abdominal scans if that's your preference, I've had ivf and iui without needing any internal scans and was nice and unconscious for EC.  For ET there was the option of gas and air, but with supportive nursing staff it wasn't needed.
Good luck to all those facing their fears, you can do it.
Flower


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Would you be able to inject with an insulin type pen that diabetics use? You hardly see the needle then and its so fine, not like a proper needle at all. There are many different meds that they use and some of them are just pens so be honest from the very beginning and tell them that is the sort you need. Can you cope with the internal scans? You know that DH can go in with you if you need him to and you don´t have to do any of this alone. There is only one injection that you´ll need which is a proper needle and its just a one off at the end and DH can do it for you.


You might be able to have a GA for ec but if not and they know your fears then you´ll have so many drugs you´ll be away with the fairies anyway. 


One of my friends on here (she is doing donor egg so has no injections/ec) has a problem with et and I know they give her valium the night before so she relaxes in the evening and then she has another before et.


There are honestly lots of ways to do this and you´ll not be the first needle phobic to go through it. They will help you and provide you all of the support you need. You´ll get through it honestly.


Good luck and it sounds like CBT might be worth a try. 
Kat


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

I'm a needle phobe too, and I struggled badly with injecting myself - and a friend loaned me an 'auto injector' sadly my syringes didn't fit the barrel (as we were at different clinics) - but your clinic will give you something thats much less scary.  Alternatively you could get your injections done at your local gp's... but weekends could be problematic.

I cried every day trying to pluck up the courage to inject myself - but the thought of possibly becoming a Mammy gave me the incentive / courage to get the job done...

...wishing you all the very very best
Sheila


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

hi, ivf is scary and like you i hate anything medical, it takes all of my will power not to just run out of the hospital, strange considering i worked in a hospital for 12 years. anyway i think the best thing to do is what you already posted and that is to take things one step at a time, i didnt get as far as egg collection so i cant give any advice on that. i wish you lots of luck x


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## samantha_clarke (Jan 10, 2012)

Councelling will be starting for the needle issue, i had a long chat with the nurses today too and they are going to give me support with the issues too. I feel i will get through it, its just the anxiety that comes with it all during the waiting. We are self funding and start ivf in May. So excited, I'll get through the needle barrier. Its mainly the thought of having to hold it and do it myself that scares me most. 

Needle done = daily reward! That might just do it haha

Thank you for the advice xx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Just another thought now you have mentioned anxiety during the waiting. My area of expertise is anxiety   . Try looking up ´mindfulness´. I have to confess to never having googled it so I don´t know what will come up but its all about being in the ´here&now´. If you are getting worked up about something such as sitting in the waiting room for a scan, or at home in the evening knowing you are injecting later, try getting a notepad and writing the alphabet with your opposite hand, or write it backwards with your normal hand. It takes a completely different part of your brain and uses all of your concentration to you can´t get anxious. It brings you back to the here&now. There are lots of other things to do too that don´t involve a handy notebook so if you want to know more then let me know. They take more training but you have lots of time until May.


I have psychomotor physiotherapy which is training me in the here&now. I have no idea if its available in the UK but its worth taking a look and keeping it in the back of your mind just in case you need some extra help.


I´m not worried about needles so don´t know what it feels like to have a phobia of them but I know injecting got much much easier through the cycle and to be honest the worst part of tx was always the anticipation. Get DH involved in your fruit injecting so you feel as comfortable as you can with him doing them for you and probably the best advice anyone will ever give you is to have a large slice of chocolate cake on the side as a good incentive just to get the jab done   


Good luck. You are tougher than you think.
Katxxx


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