# Will the tears and the pain ever stop?



## M&amp;M (Aug 14, 2006)

Hi All,

I am extremely low at the moment. Had a BFN yesterday when AF cruelly showed on day 12 of 2ww. I am so cross that once again, I didn't even get to my test date. I am emotionally wrung out. I did nothing but    yesterday and thought I might feel better today. I did initially but then it just keeps comming over me in waves. This cycle was sooooooo much better than my previous ones, didn't even get to EC on my first 2 TX, I thought I had a chance. Clearly that was stupid of me.  I don't know what to do or think at the moment. I am not ready to give up yet but at the same time don't think I can face doing another cycle with all the hope it brings only to have it snatched away. I feel like the last 8 weeks of my life have been a total waste of time and money. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I was sooo tried last night I thought I'd sleep well but it was all still whirling round in my head and I didn't sleep properly at all. My DH has been great and bought me flowers yesterday and took me out for a meal but he doesn't want to talk about it any more. Once we've discussed it that's it for him. I need to talk and he says there is nothing else to say.

We're supposed to be going away tomorrow for my cousin's wedding on Saturday and I really don't feel like going. I don't think I can face all the questions either. My family know about the IVF but not that we were doing this last cycle.

I'm sorry to go on but I just need to vent. I know I'll pick myself up eventually but I just don't know when. At the moment I can't see my way out of this dark place I find myself in. I am normally such a strong and stubborn person but I have completely gone to pieces. Thanks for reading.


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

MandM

Not sure what to say but didn't want to not say anything....with regards to the wedding is it possible to have a word with mum/sister/close relative and let them know the outcome so that they can fend off and forwarn any comments?  Don't feel bad about not being strong and needing to cry, better than keeping it all bottled up.  Do you have someone you could talk with if your DH doesn't feel like talking about it anymore?  It could be that he's seen what you've been through and doesn't know how else to console you plus he might also be feeling a loss of what could have been.

We're all here for you to talk to, rant at, ask questions and share experiences.

Thinking of you

x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

MandM

just wanted to send you a big   and to tell you that we are always here on this site if you need to talk. I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do hun BFN's are so hard and it takes time to pick yourself up. so in the mean time cry if you need to and try to pamper yourself as much as you can  

pam xx


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## ♥ Sarah ♥ (Jan 5, 2005)

Mandm,

I haven't much else to say that the girls haven't said already, just wanted you to know that everyone is here for you to help you through these tough times  .

Sending you love and strength to get through...

Love Sarah x


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## clucky chick (Mar 24, 2006)

M and M

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling down hun as it is only natural - this ivf lark really screws with your emotions.

I think that men often can not handle talking through stuff over and over again - they feel that once it has been discussed then that is it. I guess they just deal with things differently.  

We are all here if you need to talk - sending you a huge  

take care of yourself and good luck xx


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## Fluffywithteeth (Sep 25, 2006)

Hi MandM
Just also wanted to send you a hug... so recognise what you're going through. My dh is the same... it's them going off into their 'cave' to process! The thing that surprises me after each bfn is the grief... it is a loss... and it needs tiem to pass...
Take good care
fluffyx


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Oh, MandM, this is so hard. You'll need lots of time to heal and if DH doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he can still be there for you. But he does need to know that you won't just be able to switch back to 'normal' mode. Tell him to give you lots of hugs and kisses, even if he doesn't want to talk. He may need them too. It's difficult to know how to deal with our different reactions on top of everything else, but you need each other now more than ever. Please don't get upset with him. Chances are, he's also very deeply hurt but wants to be strong for both of you. That certainly seems to be how my DH feels. Talking about IF with him only works occasionally and then only for a few minutes. But we do try to spend a lot of time together and make sure we stay close in other ways.

About the wedding, I agree with beachgirl. It would be good if your mum could forewarn people, so you don't have to talk about it and they can leave you in peace. After many, many hurtful comments and the odd break-down in front of various people in my family, I decided that honesty was the best way to making sure they wouldn't ask or comment again. It's difficult for others to understand how you feel, but seeing me in tears has, I think, given them an idea of just how hurtful their remarks have been. And I did ask my mum to tell people, so that they would stop commenting.

Also, if you really don't feel like it, maybe it's best to cancel? Send a nice card and pressie, but don't put yourself under even more pressure? Surely your cousin will understand?

MandM, you've suffered a great loss. Please give yourself time to grief. Hope you don't have to go to work anytime soon and can give yourself some breathing space. Maybe after a while, you'll feel ready to plan something totally self-indulgent, just for you and your DH. You really deserve it.

Keep strong.

Sending you lots of love,
Kats


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## girlie (Jan 17, 2007)

Aw Hun

Just wanted to send you a massive   

I can totally understand how you feel this IF is so b****y unfair.  I  remember how low I felt after our 1st BFN I honestly didnt think I would get over it but I did and am now preparing myself for (hopefully) our next cycle of ICSI,totally agree with what the other girls have said, take some time out for you and dh, this is a grieving process that unfortunately we sometimes have to go through.

Take things easy and look after each other and remember we are ALWAYS here when you want to rant.

lots of love thinking of you both

xxxxxxxxxx


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## whiteflag (Jun 11, 2007)

I'm sorry, I know not a lot will make you feel better but I just wanted you to know you are not on your own.

I too had BFN on 11th after first and awful cycle of ICSI, we are devastated like you I can't seem to see past it at the moment but DH has carried on, I have not been to work since but he has not stopped feels it would be the best place for me but it's the last thing on my mind !

I hope you can find some peace soon 

Take care 

x x x x x


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## Gwendolyn (Oct 24, 2004)

Hello All
The subtitle of your message struck me......as I am feeling the same.  On Sat 4th, I discovered that our recent IUI attempt is just another attempt to add to our "defeated list".  The really SAD PART is that I do not even find myself crying.  It's like something is just "shut off" in me......it's very scary and very uncharacteristic of me.  I think my body and mind and soul are just numb to the list of losses that make up our profile. 
I haven't been on FF for about a year....and I am not sure what that is about.........as I first joined up in 2004.  I think I have been increasingly sadder about being "one of those people" who don't have kids....and NOW have a track record of TTC through reproductive technology that spans 3 years and attempt after attempt after attempt.
I am completely and utterly freaking out on the inside as DH and I had decided that we would try a 3rd IVF to break the tie (within our IVF history- our 1st resulted in a 3 month pregnancy and our 2nd was a BFN) and then that would be it (before we bigin to embark on adoption).  SO here we are.  Given that our attempts to "cheat the IVF system" through IUI over the past 3 months has NOT worked....we seem to be facing our last "ride at the fair".  I am frozen with the thought and concept that I may never expereince a pregnancy to the fullest.  I CANNOT believe that I cannot get passed this "gate"!!  I am especially struggling lately because my young cousin is expecting a child with his girlfriend....you know THAT story........ the one where they met and then are holding a child within a year of that date!!! wince!  It is so unfair.....but labelling it as "unfair" doesn't make everything feel much better on my inside.  I feel as if I know how to drive BUT no matter how many times I keep taking the drivers license test- I KEEP FAILING!!!!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know MandM...........that you are not alone.  I "GET" you!!!!  I, too, am a strong and determined person and I have picked myself up so many times.  It always hurts to do so....the loss is a terrible weight to bear!  I know that I also feel like there are more pieces to pick up then compared to 5 years ago!!!  My DH is a great support....yet, he, too, copes by not really talking about it.  You can see the pain in other ways. 
I am sending you strength and healing wishes!
Take care, Gwendolyn


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