# Sick of feeling sorry for myself



## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Hello ladies 
Im sorry for not leaving any messages recently, but Ive been so self absorbed lately I couldn't leave any messages.
I work in a factory full of ladies and last year seemed to be a massive baby boom including my boss which I have moaned about before, so I had to coo and look at scan photos and hide my jealousy umpteen times while they moaned how fat, sore , couldn't drink too name a few things that made me so envious and would swap places with them. My sister also had her first child her husband had a successful reversed vasectomy cause he had 2 kids to ex wife and they are already planning next one for 2009 lucky moo, then she had nephew christened so I had to sit in church and listen to how wonderful they were , and sit at buffet with all my siblings and felt so excluded bein the only one out of 5 of us with no children. I started feeling as if I have went backwards cause the older I get the more I feel I am missing out of.
At the same time my other boss has been giving me a hard time at work my problem with a boss is I respect them too much and put them on a pedestal and dont like shouting at them or correcting them when they are wrong and cause I am quiet in uncomfortable situations at work my boss thinks i have a problem and I dont want to tell her (I CANT TURN ROUND TO HER AND SAY YOU ARE RUBBISH  AT YOUR JOB SHE IS BUT ) the thing with me is when hubby is cheeky or just bein a man I shout at him but at work I'm a walk over, and he is getting angry at me cause i let people treat me like sh** at work.
Ive also started new HRT tablets and haven't had a cigarette in 3 weeks so I think they are contributing to me feeling low ,used , weak ,lonely... what is scareing me the most lately is I have been having some really dark thoughts , I am not the type of person to cry on a whim my husband only sees my tears when there has been a death etc I try to be tough on the inside and pretend things dont bother me it's when the light goes off in bed I have become an expert at silent crying, I cant talk to him about certain subjects in our life where others like he married me when he knew I couldnt conceive he has never openly made me feel guilty for that, he  said after the failed ivf that the way I was after it he wouldnt push me to do it again only if I wanted but I feel he uses his hobbies of runnin to keep him busy and not notice the empty space in our life  so we spoil our dog and cat like most people the same as us. So these dark thoughts are coming in to my head too often I wont ever act on them cause I'm not brave enough I just can't believe I am having them, I wont talk to hubby cause he couldnt handle it, I have a fab friend but she is a lot younger than me and I wont burden her with this, I cant talk to my mother as I am convinced she wont discuss or ask me how I cope with infertility because she feels guilty that I would blame her on my infertility which is nonsense cause I am what I am there is people a lot worse off I was only born without ovaries . and she is so happy with new grandson she cant see past him. and yet again I wont cry in front of close people as it makes me feel weak.
SO there tonight yet again I have been left feeling guilty for thinking about myself after watching flipping Emmerdale what the heck DID YOU SEE IT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DO THAT IS THERE NOT ENOUGH SADNESS IN THIS WORLD WITHOUT SHOWN THAT. I was howling and I dont normally watch the stupid programme but it caught my eye tonight,
And my first thought was thank god I will not have to experience that it has soooooooooooo made me feel stupid for been so down about myself and its only a blinking soap!!!!!!! 
After all that howling I really really want a cigarette NOW thank goodness the shops are shut I will succeed (I HOPE )

Luv From Suxxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Sue,

My heart goes out to you, you do seem to be having such a difficult time and to feel there is nobody you can talk to.

It must be very hard to have so many work colleagues having babies. Not only that but you seem to be having other problems at work. On top of that you are having to cope with being childless when all your siblings have children and your mum seems so taken up with the latest grandchild.

It sounds like your DH is a good man who loves you and would like to support you. I get the feeling that he gets angry about your being treated badly at work because he knows you deserve better. He married you knowing that you would very likely not have children together. I wonder if he takes refuge in his running and the pets as he does not know how to support you now as you try to hide your feelings?

Sue, please do not hide yourself away from those who love you. You derserve some support from DH, mum and your friend. I am sure you are/will be there when they need you. Just now it is your turn to ask for some help to get through a tough time.

If you don't feel your close people can help right now, consider some other support, like counselling. 

Hope things feel better for an airing. Hope they will feel even better still soon.

LoL

Jq xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Su just wanted to send you massive  

I am so sorry that life is so raw for you right now hon. I hear what jq is saying to you about confiding in family and those close to you... its not a crime to be feeling so bleak after what you have been through and are going through, its perfectly understandable sweetie. I don't know about you but I have found that sharing how I feel helps, and that you can gain support in many ways that you never thought you would get.

I hope in sharing how things are for you at the moment it has released a little bit of the sadness for you... we're always here for you hon

Much love
Emcee xxx


----------



## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Thank you Jq and Emcee for your kind words, at this moment in time this is the only place I can really let out my feelings I cant explain why I cant turn to friends and family but wish I could.
Love to you both
Suxxx


----------



## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Dear Su,

What a terrible time you are going through at the moment, i truly feel for you. There is nothing worse than feeling isolated and alone, but i'm sure everyone reading this will know and understand where you are with this at the moment, and by reaching out to those of us here who understand and genuinely are on your leval, maybe you can find some strength through your darkest days 

I wondered if your close work colleagues know of your situation or if they are just insensitive to your feelings? I must admit only a handful of people i work with know about our problems with IF.

Two nights ago i had the same silent tears when i went to bed, and it really is the loneliest feeling laying next to your husband but not feeling able to reach out for comfort, for whatever reason. 

I have been very down myself so i really feel useless to give advice, but my heart breaks for you at the moment because you shouldn't have to have them dark thoughts, and feel so alone and not feel able to talk to your family and husband when you obviously need proper support at the moment. You are not alone in not wanting to confide in family.

Like you said your mums doting on the next grandchild and your the only who hasn't been able to give her a grandchild, and i know it just makes you feel like an outsider  and not fit in. For me i am the same and being the only girl ( i have 2 bro) i wanted to give my mum a grandchild even more as i knew she would have more interaction with a child from me, and when i visit and my brothers are there with their kids, i just feel like a complete failure, and worthless. 

Of course im sure your mum would have loved to of had a grandchild from you, but i am sure if you ever sat down and spoke to her, she would be devastated you felt as bad as you do, and how excluded you feel within the family setting emotionally. Im sure she has had her owns tears for you not being able to have a child of your own on many occasions, especially if she has watched you yearning for a baby.Just because she has the other grandchildren don't feel like you are not a massive part of her life just because of IF. I don't know how close you are to her, is there a possibility you could open up to her about how you feel?

Thinking of you
Love karen
xxxxxx


----------



## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Dear Karen
Thanks for your reply, I think half my problem with not going to people for support is im scared to open the flood gates , I would love to tell my mum exactly what Im feeling but because she is a mother she cant understand dont get me wrong i would get her love and sympathy but its all about me feeling guilty about needing some love and attention that stops me asking for help I even struggle to get my words out on here.
Love and   Suxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Su,

I understand what you are saying about not being able to confide in friends and family. I think there is definitely a point in this horrid IF journey when it feels impossible to explain just how hard it is to people who have not experienced it. I guess that is what this board is all about, sharing how it is and supporting one another. I am so glad that we can be here for each other and that you are getting support here.

Please don't feel guilty about needing some love and attention. We all need to give and receive that. Sometimes we need to receive more than we can give, but at other times we will be able to give more.

I think Karen has been very perceptive about how your mum may feel for you. Of course your mum enjoys being a grandmother. But before being a caring grandmother, she is a mother to all her children and so probably feels a lot of concern for you.

You say that you do not think your mum will understand *because* she is a mother while you are not. On the other hand maybe *because* she is your mum she wants to understand how difficult it is for you? I guess that she does not know how to deal with supporting you as well as she can support her other children who have had babies, because IF is outside her experience. Maybe she just needs to hear from you about what you want from her? Of course I cannot be sure as I don't know your mum.

Anyway, we are all here for you as you work it out and find your own way forward.

Lol jq xxx


----------



## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Dear Sue,

You said you were afraid to open the flood gates but maybe if you did it under supervision through the ear of a good counsellor you could open up and let some of the pain out, how long can you hold the barriers up for?.  its so unhealthy for anyone to hold feelings inside which are so strong, it makes us ill. Only you know if that is something you would be able to do.

I don't know you at all, but i do know IF effects self esteem so much, i wonder if it has with you because it feels like you feel unworthy to have people who care about you fuss over you and be there for you. Have you spent your life fussing over others and putting them first, and now you really need to be heard you don't feel like you are allowed to say, look at me, help me, i'm really suffering here??

My hubbys dad has MS, and when i visit him, i feel guilty for being so self absorbed in my worries and hurt, but then i say to myself i can still feel for others pain, but i too have to give myself some thought that this is a really hard time in my life and yes i am so lucky in many ways, which i am thankful, but it still does not take away the pain, however much i try. 

Like i said before, i really feel for you, and i really hope you find some help and inner peace here

Take care
Karen
xxxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Su,
So sorry it's so hard right now. (Giving up ciggies must make things much worse!!) I have been through some very dark times indeed. I know how you can end up feeling you have no one to talk to - people seemed wrapped up in their own problems or you feel it's just not appropriate to unload on them. Sometimes I used to think I had used up my sympathy quota with friends - and felt I couldn't go round the same old stuff again with them. And you end up feeling sooo frustrated with feeling down - you want to snap out of it, but it doesn't happen. One thing is counselling - that really helped me and my counsellor said to me that when the down times come you go through them and out the other side. When you wrestle and try and stop all those feelings, it only prolongs the agony. The fear, I think, is that it is going to get so bad that you will never come out - that isn't true. You will come through. Finding a good counseller can help you make this journey.
One thing that helped me was thinking 'everything changes'. I used to say to myself that even if I did nothing, things WOULD change. It is a natural law - time goes by and things change, sometimes too slowly for my liking, but they do change. Remember when you are having a really black day and those scary dark thoughts are lurking - that there are the Samaritans - you can phone them and they will listen. Sometimes you just need to talk it through with someone - even if you are incoherent, by talking you can sometimes put your thoughts into some kind of order.
Of course you can always post here - that's what this board is for. Know that you are never alone - you always have us.
Bernie xxx


----------



## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Thank you for your kind words ladies
I dont feel so alone when I read my messages.
My love to you all Suxx


----------



## mini munch (Oct 15, 2005)

hey su
my heart does go out to you it really does, ive been there i think we all have at some point,
i had dark thoughts and they really did scare me, but dont feel embarraced at all or stupid, but i would go and speak to the doctor they will help mine did, and i also no how you feel at work , i work in a factory full of woman and pretendin when all you want to do is give them a good shake an say count yourself lucky!

your not on your own mini minch


----------

