# I am single: please help me choose between sibling donor egg/embryo adoption



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hello everyone,

I would love to get views from anyone in a similar position to me. I am 42, single and decided a year ago to go it alone, and have been through 3 rounds of IVF using donor sperm, but sadly, guttingly, each time unsuccessful.

I now realise that I have to move to the donor egg option in my efforts to have a child and I am lucky to have two choices:

Choice 1, my sister (35, with one child of her own) is generously prepared to donate eggs for my use with donor sperm at the clinic where I have been treated (Eastbourne)

Choice 2, I can opt for embryo adoption or donor egg/sperm (it seems I would need to go abroad for these and I've been in touch with Reprofit in Czech Republic and Instituto Marques in Spain).

Has anyone out there used sibling donor eggs? If so, I would love to know more and perhaps to correspond with you?
Has anyone out there opted for embryo adoption or double donation egg/sperm? If so, I would love to know more and perhaps to correspond with you?

If I go for Choice 1, I will have a genetic link to the child (I will biologically be the aunt) and the child will benefit from knowing who her/his biological parents are - and I would be open about this from the start; he or she can know my sister is the biological mother from an early age and under UK law trace the donor father at the age of 18. However I am uncomfortable in some ways about having my sister's child and do wonder if I will never feel he or she is really mine and if I can live with parents, for example, saying that the child looks like my sister (I will be open about it with my parents and close family).

If I go for Choice 2, I will in some ways feel it is 'more' my child but is it fair to give birth to a child who has no possibility of tracing her/his biological heritage? In Spain and Czech Republic, donors remain totally anonymous and in the case of using donor embryos, the information you have on the biological parents is minimal - basic medical history, colouring and nationality only. My mother horrified me yesterday when I was discussing options saying that 'you could have all sorts of problems with a child like that'. ie you could be giving birth to a monster/troublesome child - making me feel she was rejecting this child already which hurt me.

I am going to talk to a fertility counsellor - I really need to! But I would love to open these issues up for discussion and hear from anyone who has some experience of it.

Me: Single (but hopefully not forever!), 42
July 2008, IVF, 3 embryos, BFN
Dec 2008, IVF converted to IUI, BFN
May 2008, IVF, 3 embryos, BFN


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I hae twins from eggs donated by a close friend, which is maybe a bit similar.  There is no way these babies don't feel mine after I grew and birthed them.. yet knowing they can know their genetics is very important to me. That factor over-rules any others, really.

I;d say have the counselling, and hope you can decide what is best for you

xx


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello there

Just in case you hadn't already found us , there's quite a few of us single women now on this thread

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0

and a few of us have had donor eggs or donor embryos at reprofit

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=347.0

I had donor embryos FET last Thursday at Reprofit

Emma xx


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Emma,

Thanks so much for your reply and I really wish you the best of luck - please let me know how it goes!

So have you done a lot of soul searching about the lack of info on the biological parentage? By the way, I joined the donor conception network and they are producing a book on how to tell specifically for embryo adoption later this year.

I am very torn about what path to go down - I have the offer from my sister and close family are pushing me that way - but I do have reservations. I'm seeing a fertility counsellor tomorrow so I hope I can get things clearer in my mind.

I have been in touch with Stefan and impressed with the efficiency of his replies. Can I ask a few questions? What info were you given on the donors in all? Did Stefan give you any info on success rates? - he hasn't given me any.

Take care over the next 2 weeks - I'll be thinking of you! 

SueMagoo X


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Drowned girl,

Thanks so much for replying and many congratulations on your little ones!

Yes, the genetics is the issue...

I am not sure if you are single or not? - sorry I am not good at interpreting the abbreviations - you see I think if I had a partner and I was using his sperm with donor eggs I would have less reservations because we would be a 'unit'. My concern in using my sister's eggs is the possibility of not feeling the child is mine (or worrying that others in the know might have that in the back of their minds) - so for myself I would feel easier right now from where I am sitting to go for donor embryos, but I know it is not all about me, it is about a potential child and how they will feel in the future about the blank that is their genetic heritage.

Take Care, Suemagoo


----------



## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

HI Sue

I have a lovely little girl thanks to my sister being a donor for me.  I posted about it some time ago when we were considering the options and preparing for treatment (late 2006-early 2007).  I am in a different position from you because I am in a relationship, so she is my DH's child.

For us, the whole donor experience has worked very well, but I think a lot has to do with my sister's attitude.  She had 2 children of her own, and as soon as I mentioned that I had been advised to go down the donor route, she offered to do this for me.  At times, she was the most keen of all of us to go ahead and was a great source of encouragement to me when I was not sure what to do.  She was insistant from the start that she was just giving an egg and that it would be my baby, and that is the way we have played it with the family.  

We had the fertility counselling, and the counsellor tried to get me to consider an unrelated donor, so there wouldn't be family complications, but I felt strongly that I wanted a genetic link with my baby, and I think my sister would have been offended if I had used a stranger in place of her, and the rest of the family would have been surprised if I had declined her in favour of a stranger.

My sister continues to be a devoted Auntie, and almost forgets that she is the donor.  My DD does have her hair, which reminds me that I am not the genetic mother, but I would rather have this than genetic characteristics which don't belong to either of us.  

For me, I am grateful that I had a sister who was in a position to be a donor for me, and I am mindful that I am lucky to have her.  My feeling is that if I were in your situation, I would go with the sister donation if your relationship with your sister is OK.  You will need to discuss with her how you will both relate to the baby, which is where the counselling comes in.  Some people feel more strongly about the genetic link than others, but my feeling is that if your baby does not have a father-figure, it may be more important for him/her to have a genetic link to you.  

I hope this helps.  Please feel free to IM me or post again if I can help further.

All the best with whatever you decide to do

Essex Girl xx


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Essex Girl,

Thank you for your input and for answering - it really helps to feel there are other people out there in a similar position - and Elizabeth is beautiful in her pic! I'm glad you mentioned the family input - I know that although it is entirely my decision, I have a close family network and being single will need to rely on them. 

Take Care, SueMagoo x


----------



## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Sue

Generally the success rates Stepan quotes for donated embryos are around 30%.
Good luck with your counsellor - I hope you find some answers that you are comfortable with.

Dottie


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Good Luck I can see both sides of the equation (I don't have a sister so not an option for me) but sometimes within families it can be complicated- I guess you have to also consider how your sister and her husband would view the child as well- and all have counselling
L


----------



## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Thanks for you kind words, Sue.

One thing I forgot to say yesterday is that if you are going to use your sister's eggs, donors normally have to be under 36.  Some clinics are more relaxed than others about a related donor, but if your sister is coming up to her birthday, I would check with your proposed clinic as to whether they will take her on over 36.  We were in the same situation, which is one reason why I didn't try any more TX with my own eggs.  My sister ended up doing the EC the day after her 36th birthday.

Good luck
Essex Girl x


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Essex Girl,

She's going to be 35 in September so we have a year's grace if needed. I saw the fertility counsellor yesterday and it helped me a lot - especially on my concerns about the baby not feeling mine - when I talked it through I realised that it was me worrying more that other people would think that that was in the back of my mind, not my own feelings.

Thanks again for advice and support, will keep you posted on where I go now,

Take care of you and your Elizabeth, Suemagoo


----------



## lucy8 (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi Suemagoo,
I also had a lovely daughter in 2004 from my sisters donated eggs and she is the best thing that ever happened to me.She is very like my sister but that does not concern me at all and I rarely think about the egg donation issue-I just feel so very lucky to have her after 7years TTC.
Your sister is a very special person for offering to do this for you.
Best of luck with whichever route you choose.
Lucy


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Lucy,

Thanks for replying - and that's fantastic - congratulations - so she's getting on for four now? 
Do you mind if I ask if you are single and used donor sperm - or with a partner? 
I have lots of questions I would like to ask you! - perhaps you could answer me if you have time but I understand if this is all too personal? 

Have you told your daughter about your sister's part in her conception and if not yet, do you plan to and have you decided how (early days I guess! but I've been reading into it on the DCN and a lot of people start 'telling' very young)?
How does your sister relate to your daughter? Does she feel maternal at all towards her - have you talked about that?
Does she have children of her own and had she finished her family (this is what's advised - although my sis has not - she is 36 in Sept and has one son, 11 mths)?
Who else have you told about her conception - are you open about it? Have you and your sister decided jointly who to tell and not to tell?
Were your family, ie your parents, involved with the decision to use your sister's eggs?
Were you ever worried before going through with it about your baby not feeling 'yours' or worried about people commenting how much she looks like your sister etc?
Did you have much counselling beforehand, did your sister (and her partner?) - what concerns did any of you have?
Has it changed your relationship with your sis - were you very close before?

I hope I have not gone over the top with my questions - it would help me to know your answers but I completely understand if you don't want to answer them,

Take care, Suemagoo x


----------



## lucy8 (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi Suemagoo,
I will try my best to answer your questions. I know how difficult the whole process is and the more info you can get the better.
I am married and my DD is my DH's child.

My sister has two lovely girls of her own and the youngest was 7 when she donated the eggs. She had finished her family and she was 36 when she donated to me.We were very lucky that we were successful on our first attempt because none of the embryos were good enough to freeze. My sister did tell her girls about the egg donation but neither of them have ever mentioned it to me. Her DH did not have any problems with the donation and was very supportive throughout.

We had 1 counselling session all together and the only issue we disagreed with was who to tell and when.My sister and her DH wanted to be upfront and honest with family and close friends and tell them what was going on. My DH and myself wanted to tell no-one until we found out if the treatment was successful or not. My sister agreed to go along with us but to review the situation if I became pregnant. When I did become pregnant my DH and I then continued to say that we did not want others to know and so we have told no one except my sisters girls. However I would never recommend this 'secrecy' to others. I really wish now that we had been open and honest from the start. I have not yet told my DD because my DH still wants to keep our 'secret' but I know that we have to tell her because it would just be awful in the future if  one of her 'cousins' were to tell her. I know after reading lots on this site and the DCN site that the earlier we tell her the better for her.

It really does not bother me when family and other people say how much my DD looks like my sister. I would much rather have the genetic link than no link at all. I carried her,gave birth to her,breastfed her and she has always felt 100% mine. I just feel so lucky to have her after TTC for 7 years. My sisters eldest daughter has always looked very much like me and nothing like her mum! I see my sister nearly every day and we continue to be very close. We have spoken about how she feels as I was worried about her feelings especially soon after I gave birth but she reassured me that she loves her likes an auntie and does not think of her as her own.

Hope I have answered some of your  questions. Let me know if there are any I have missed and would love to know when you make your decision.
Take care,
Luv Lucy x


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Lucy,

Thanks so much - that has helped loads. I want to write back a little more but I am on a work trip and have just arrived in Ethiopia after a 14 hour plane journey - and busy couple of days ahead - so will be back in touch but just wanted to say THANK YOU! So good to find your positive email when I logged on.

Take care, Suemagoo x


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

If it helps, we told our existing children, my donor and I.. they were 4...

My Ds already knew about where babies coem from so when he mentioned after our scan, that daddy and mummy had made the babies from a seed and an egg, i said no, mummy's eggs weren't working so aunty k gave us one of hers.  I've also toldhim that his uncle T and wife N are trying to have a baby but need doctors to help them (they're doing IVF, my brother and his wife) and he accepts all this. 

When DS was about 2 we used to talk about how he grew in my tummy, then later I mentioned the egg/seed bit... it will be very easy to weave in the egg donation aspect  when the babies get to that stage.


----------



## Suemagoo (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi there, Thank you, it does help because the telling aspect is the thing that is worrying me most but everything I've read - on DCN - seems to say that telling early is best so it's accepted from the start. Congrats on your twins - what lovely names.

Suemagoo


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Thanks. 

Telling the children really is the easy bit. IT just comes naturally, if you're being open aboit where babies come from. Adding in DE to the story is so easy.


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Suemagoo - and anybody else who might be interested 

New thread:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=153651.new#new

Love

Emma xx


----------

