# Am I ready?



## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

My husband and I are about to contact an agency to start the adoption process. We have decided that we want to adopt a younger child. We have a 4 year old birth daughter, but have had many miscarriages. I am quite excited about the thought of beginning our adoption journey, but I still find it a bit difficult to see friends who are pregnant. Is this okay? 
T


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

It's very normal Tilly....I'm so happy with my adopted daughter (15 months) and soon to be joined by her sibling who is much younger still, but I still get a pang when I see pregnant women or women holding newborns because there's that part of me that accepts I may never be pregnant myself (unexplained infertility). There's also that part of me that feels 'different' to the other mums but given you have a birth child you've experienced pregnancy / childbirth / caring for a newborn so no doubt won't feel that way.

I can't say it ever goes away, but you do reach a peaceful place about it and once you have your new addition you'll be grateful it worked out that way....I know that might sound a bit odd, but I think most of us who have adopted on here are grateful our lives took that route even though the journey to get to the decision to adopt was, at times, agonising x


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## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for your post, makes me feel better. Good luck when number 2 arrives!


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Good luck on your adoption journey Tilly. I agree with MummyElf - it's very normal to feel like that. Throughout the years hubby & I were TTC I was always fine around newborns & happy having cuddles etc, but there was something about & still is about pregnancy announcements that would get to me! Lucky all of my friends have had there children now so I don't have to deal with them, but in the past 2 weeks I've had to deal with 2 work colleagues announcing they are pregnant, which got me alittle upset & made me feel like I have a useless body.  Those moments past though & I tend to look at the bigger picture- which is being a family next year  .


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Tilly - I think it's natural to still feel a 'pang' I know for me weirdly when seeing all my FF pals one by one achieve their dream I've never had the slightest sorrow with bumps... but can find it difficult when childhood friends announce their scans... I think for me a time came when I realised it wasn't them having a birth child vs. me not that was difficult..... for me it was that they were experiencing a part of the 'journey of being a mother' that my body denied me. I have no doubt I will treasure our child, the love is there inside me like a beacon of light ... I just need to look a little further than myself to find our little Bubble xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm very sorry for your losses Tilly. Good luck with getting off the blocks with adoption. 
FWIW I don't  know when I won't get any pangs but it has lessened a good deal as I've got more more excited about a child through adoption. Don't let it stop you, oh and don't deny it either - SWs want to know you are recognising your loss. 
gettina x


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## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for your replies. Makes me even more determined to get started with the process. 
T


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## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

I watched a programme with my daughter yesterday about a boy whose mum was pregnant and he had to stay with granny. It was really weird because I suddenly felt sad as I won't go through pregnancy again or having a tiny baby. I know that I want to adopt and it is right for us, but it does make me think of trying again. Is that my heart over my head? I know the sensible and right decision is adoption, but do still have a nagging doubt. 
Any thoughts please.


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

I believe that to successfully go through adoption your heart needs to be fully with it, and you need to say goodbye to ttc/biological children. 

We started the process, I.e. made a few calls but we weren't ready, so we stopped. Until I knew enough was enough and was absolutely ready to move on, I do still have moments where I think yeah it would have been nice to have a newborn (simply because of age/experiencing a tiny baby NOTHING to do with how I would feel about the child) but I knew 110% that I was ready to put fertility treatment behind me and move on...not sure i would have got through the process as easily as we did without this being the case.

Only you know if you're ready, but I would say that you owe it to your future child/ren to have no regrets/what ifs. 

Good luck x


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi TillyF

Welcome to the boards.  I completely understand how you feel and believe me it is completely normal.  I have 3 pregnant friends at the moment.  2 having their first and 1 having her 3rd.  It is SO difficult.  Not because I resent them being pregnant, quite the opposite, I am so happy for them.  But the thought I will never hold a first born in my arms again is really quite upsetting.  

We talked about adoption before we underwent DEIVF and I was very much for it as I believe we could give a good home to a child who needs it.  I got over the lack of genetic connection because obviously with Donor Eggs there wouldn't be any for me, only my DP.  He on the other hand wanted to try DEIVF first before we went down the adoption route just to say we had tried.  It was a disaster and we were devastated.  But, deep down in my heart I knew it probably wasn't going to work and because I had such a horrible birth with my DD I was probably leaning more to adoption myself.  I have a friend who has adopted so know the process is very difficult and emotional but when I look at her daughter, 1) you would never know she didn't give birth to her and 2) she is absolutely adorable.  

I guess this journey is full of emotions and it isn't easy but hopefully at the end we will be mums again to a child who really needs it.  I think in the adoption process, because it is so long, there will be time for you to reflect on how you feel and even if you feel you need it, go for counselling.  I may do a few sessions as some of the things I will have to talk about with SW will bring back very sad memories.

Good luck.
xxxx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hiya Tilly, our little man came home earlier this year and is our total dream come true. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't love him any more if I had given birth to him. He is ours in every sense of the world but I still get pang of sadness that I didn't give birth to him. As mummyelf said earlier many of us are glad our paths took the directions they did as if they didn't we wouldn't have OUR little ones and if someone offered me free treatment for as long as I wanted it there isn't one part of me that would say yes. I'm relieved to have put that part of my life behind me but I do still feel sad at birth/pregnancy announcements. I am still jealous when I see mum s holding their new borns because I know that will never happen to us - but it does get easier, it hasn't gone away, but it is easier. 

I agree with dreams, that adopted children deserve your 100% commitment and to do that you need to have said good bye to your dreams for another birth. perhaps if even amidst all the initial excitement of adoption, if your heart is still telling you to try again perhaps thats what you need to do. will that feeling come back further down the line if you dont adress it now and 'put it to bed' so to speak? only you can decide whether or not your ready to chase a different dream. 

Counselling is a good idea and it can be extremely beneficial but I think it's something you need to do before you omit to adoption. Good luck xxx

Xx


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## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks to all, going to have a serious discussion this weekend to make our decision going forwards.


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