# We have to move on!!



## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hello everybody on here,

I thought i would add to this board, as we too have come to the end of the road fertility wise.

It has taken us many months and it will take us months ahead to accept that it's the end of the road.

After a very hard 4 years for us both, my lovely DW had to have a hysterectomy (April 07) as she had been ravaged by Endometriosis.
Whilst all our friends and family manage to get pregnant around us, we can only look back with envy and move forward to the next stage, Adoption.

It has been very hard lately to accept that i will never see my own children and to try and console my wife in the process.
I think everyone on this section of fertility friends are very brave in posting there thoughts as i know how hard it is whilst i am typing this.  .

The only thing i dread from all this is trying to build my wife to someone strong again as i can see everyday the pain and suffering from her .

God bless all our little embies, maybe in another life,

God bless everybody FF


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

CC, 

We get no men posting for months and then 2 in a week - good for you....

I am sorry to read through your experiences, as a fellow endo sufferer (though not so severe as your DW) I sympathise and empathise with the misery it brings on top of childlessness. 

You say you dread being able to help your wife - given how exhausted you must both be that's not so surprising - but I have faith that you will find this strength. This journey has us doing things we never thought possible, but it also has us locate parts of ourselves we didn't know existed.... You will get there!

Very good luck with the adoption process, and keep posting if it helps to let it all out!

Love, 

MM xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Thank you MM for your kind words,

Us chaps need to do these things more often, i am not afraid to show my sensitive side.
The macho stuff went out of the window once we failed our first cycle of IVF, i think showing your feelings shows that you are only human.

Mentally i feel drained after 4 failed IVF attempts and my poor wife has spent months at a time in Hospital, after operation after operation.
The end result was nothing for us after all the heart ache.

But i feel i have come out of all this a better person, more care-ring , more sensitive and just a better person all around.
But my wife continues to struggle health wise at the moment, which we thought her health would improve drastically after her operation.

I say that i am dreading building my wife back up to be strong again, as i look at her at the moment and she is like an empty shell, or even a blank canvass.

I cant see a future without children in our lives, that is just not possible for us both and that is why we will take the Adoption road.

I never thought i would be posting on here, as i have peeked on a few times, reading some of our members postings feeling such sorrow for them whilst we were trying our IVF route.
Mind you a never thought we would have gone through what we have gone through, i never seen that one coming.........

I think it is great to have this area to post, as for one reason or another we have all ended up posting on here.

Regards Cheese


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Mr Cheese

I am so sorry that you are both in such a sad place at the moment. And you are right in what you say about our menfolk always trying to be the strong one and build us back up. I know in the past my own lovely hubby did just this - then when he thought I was coping better it was his time to crumble, he felt 'safer' doing that then.

Its a long road, but you have each other and you know what they say - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - its just very small steps at a time.

I also think that you have lots of different griefs to get through here hon, the complications with your wifes endo, various treatments and now radical surgery to recover from - these are all major things, not to mention having infertility to deal with on top of all of it! Is it any wonder you are both feeling shell shocked at the moment? Its such a great deal to go through, and more than most people would ever encounter in their lifetime, yet you've been assaulted with all of this over a few years!

Keep talking to us here Mr C, the folks here are very supportive. In the meantime I am thinking of both you and your DW - and sending you both very gentle  

Love,
Emcee xxx


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Hi Mr Cheese

I am so sorry to hear of all you've both been through, the stress of the tx is enough in itself without all the extra things you;'ve both been dealing with on top.

Without wanting to seem patronising well done for posting, I think sometimes it must be so hard for men as they always feel they have to be the strong ones and they hurt just as much.

I've only had two failed ICSI's (along with iui failure and clomid, tamoxifen) but I am very much a realist and the hardest part for me was a gradual realisation that, hey, maybe this just wasn't going to work. I sometimes look at the other boards and there are words of hope and faith in the IVF process. The hardest part is suddenly thinking that this 'wonderful' IVF isn't always what its cracked up to be and that it just can't help some of us - unfortunately the media seems to keep spilling out constant stories of how IVF is so wonderful which just serves to make us hurt more....One of the most helpful remarks I read on here was someone saying that you should not ever think that you have failed the treatment but that IT HAS FAILED YOU.
I am a fellow endo sufferer but not anywhere as sever as your poor wife. I'm sure she been through a teribble time physically which must have been hard for you both. I really hope you will both find some peace and that the future looks brighter for you both in time. In the meantime be kind to yourselves and take care
sugary
xxxxxx.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Mr CC,

Like the others who have replied, I hope we can offer you some support. While it can never be "good" to welcome a new preson because their arrival here signifies their pain,we are always here with open hearts and minds.

I understand your worries about how best to support your wife, but the fact that you are thinking about this says so much about your capacity to do so. I just hope you get some support too - we are here for you when you need us.

Lol

Jqxxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi ya,

Thanks for your replies ladies, very touching.

Once DW is out of Hospital we are going to go for a little break in the UK somewhere.

I think this will do both really good and we can have a good chance to chat about everything and the future.
It is hard at the moment as she is so low and looks so sad i am stuck on which way to take a step forward, i am normally really good at giving this sort of advice out but i cant seem to think of the best way forward for ourselves.
She is currently in hospital which is bringing her down, but i think she is going to in for another couple of weeks, which will take it to a month.

I have my good days and my bad days, but most of the time i am ok and i work with a cracking bunch of chaps which is really good too.

Hope everyone is ok and once again thank you for the replies

Cheese


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## bib (Apr 17, 2007)

Hey Cheese,

I am so sorry that you have been more than "through the mill"  I always have, and always will feel very humbled by posts like your's, and i find it really difficult to know what to say.    

Having said that, I couldn't read your post without replying.  

You both sound like amazing people who totally restore my faith in human nature.  The trouble is though that this massive roller coaster of a ride that is commonly known as ttc, is an angel and a devil all at the same time.  It is hard to stomach why it works for some and not for others, especially when those around you are popping babies out with no trouble at all.  

What i will say though, is that you have been through so much together, and have managed to drag one another through so much, it is certain that you will get through this part and come out the other side.  I am certain that you will make fine parents, and the adoption system won't believe it's luck with you guys on board.

I wish you both so much love and luck on the next stage of your journey.  Be strong, and keep with belief in yourselfs,

Bib xx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Thanks for the reply hun,

I think when you go through fertility treatment and it fails it is easy to accept failure or you expect things not to go as planned especially with DW having the Endo so bad too.

Your right though about dragging one another through it all, most days have been spent in a daze being bounced from pillar to the other.

I think it is my DW who has been amazing through it all, alot braver then myself.
Dont think i could of gone through all the pain side of things.

Thanks Bib x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Mr C

Thinking of you today matey...

Hope wifey is home with you soon.

Love
Emcee xxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I really admire you for being so strong and wanting to help your wife through her pain. I also admire you for being strong enough to consider other options for becoming parents such as adoption.
It takes a special kind of man to be able to do this. Emotional maturity. You are both very lucky to have each other in this, even though you feel very sad at your current situation.

My husband leaves me on my own a lot. It seems that he wants to get away from me because he can't handle the pain I feel. Consequently, I can't solve any of this. I want to run away to be on my own so that I can consider my other options for becoming a parent alone. My husband won't discuss using a donor or adoption. In fact, he has said some terrible things to me, as have his parents, that I will never be able to forget.

I really wish that I had a man that loved me as much and wanted to deal with the situation in an adult and logical manner. You wanting to take your wife on holiday so that you can chat about the future is such a lovely thing to do. We go away, but I am not allowed to speak about it, ever. I feel very isolated and alone and emotionally unsupported.

You will find a way forward. If you do adopt, your adopted children will be very lucky indeed.


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hazel,

I am so sorry this is happening to you, is this a recent thing with your hubby.
Maybe he needs time to accept what you have been through and it also hurts him to talk about.

I know Adoption isnt for everybody and believe it or not, it was a no, no for us to begin with, but as time went on our opinions changed.
What does your family friends say about it all, you need to build a good support network around you, people you can talk to openly about your feelings.

Sounds abit like your hubby is putting a barrier up, which is a normal thing to do at early stages.
Maybe you both need to talk this through with someone, counsellor etc.

You dont ever have to feel alone, as we are all here to support one another.

Regards Jon


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