# How do you know whether you're ready to move on from TTC...



## AweezeC (Jan 7, 2010)

Hi ladies

I'm really confused at the moment and seeking some advice from people who've been there...

I'm 27, DH is 28. We've been TTC for nearly 2 years. I have PCOS and we're due to get the results of fertility investigations in 2 weeks. I would have to lose a significant amount of weight before we could have infertility treatment on the NHS.

We've started discussing adoption in the past few weeks. MIL was a foster carer and later adopted a little boy so we're both very aware of the issues facing children awaiting adoption. We know we could give a fantastic home to a child/ children who really need one.

DH is pretty much decided he'd rather adopt than pursue infertility treatment. I'm not so sure. Although I am excited at the prospect that we could adopt and that we can definately have a family, I'm finding it hard to let go of the thought of having a birth child. For the past 2 years, I've had this image in my head of being in the hospital and the midwife hands us our baby.

Do these feelings mean I'm not ready to move on from TTC or is it normal to find it difficult to give up the image of a birth child - will this ever go away or will I always feel a bit like I've missed out?

Thanks x


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## Guest (Mar 5, 2010)

Its a tough one - the urge to have a birth child is huge and I'm not sure it ever completely goes away.  

We decided we needed to do some treatment to help us close the door, but stopped after just one cycle of IVF as I didn't believe it would work.  We felt we might have regrets if we did nothing.  

We had already met our children as we were their respite foster carers, so we knew they were "waiting" for us (although another family could have been found for them in that period).  In fact they were with us permanently just six months after we finished our treatment. 

If I am completely honest, I do still wonder if I could be pregnant some months and do wish I had known what it was like to be pregnant and give birth, but ateotd I am a mummy now and that, to me, is the most important part.  

Hope that helps a little
Bop


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## AweezeC (Jan 7, 2010)

Thanks for your reply, it is very helpful to hear about your experiences.

We both feel that we might not be able to cope with IVF, the thought of embryos potentially being on board and not sticking, it tears us both up.

Also, due to both of our backgrounds (my stepfather adopted me when I was 13, never had any contact with birth father), we both strongly believe that a family is about a lot more than blood relations.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

AweezeC

This is a really tough one and something that i have thought long and hard about.  But i know personally that i need to have tried for my own natural child, and closed the door on that before i would be truly ready to adopt.  I think you need to take things one step at a time and if you are only at the investigative stage then you just need to get the results and then consider it all.  I know we really struggled with all the investigation and when we were told we would need icsi i wanted to jump strait in.  My dh would not start icsi until we were in a better mental place.  All in all we gave it another year (also our consultant suggested we continued trying naturally for another yr).  This was really good and allowed us to take stock and deal with the things we had been told.  All i am trying to say is giving yourself time out may allow you to come to your own natural answer and its ok not to have answers strait away.  As humans we want to feel in control and have a "plan of action" this is often very difficult when it comes to fertility issues.

If you want any advise or want any questions answered regarding ivf please feel free to pm me.  I am no expert but obviously know a fair bit my now, unfortunately   xxxxxxxx


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## herbaltea (Apr 9, 2003)

Hiya - as others have said its a very tricky issue. I too have pcos and have struggled with weight etc. On top of that, when I was ttc we also needed donor sperm. I had lots of investigations and had 4 tries at diui (see my sig!). I found the whole process really stressful and decided back then adoption was what I wanted to do, but my dp didn't. Now, 4 years or so on, I'm applying to adopt as a single person. My GP asked why I wasn't going to consider ivf, but for me, I don't think I could cope with the uncertainty of am I, aren't I!

I really want a child and for me the fact he or she won't be biological isn't an issue. At least with adoption (post approval) you are almost certain to achieve your dream of having a family. I do sometimes wonder what my own bio child would have looked like, what character etc but I think thats only normal.

If you both feel you can't go through with ivf then maybe adoption would be a better option for you both to acheive your family? There are so many children out there that need loving caring homes.

I think it takes a lot of time to decide and its only natural as a woman to wonder/think about what giving birth and being pregnant would be like. From my experience you 'just know' when its time to stop ttc and choose the adoption path but sometimes it takes a while to get there


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya

   as all the other girls have said, i dont know if the feeling fully goes away.  we are now in the process of adopting our 2 little princesses   and they are brilliant!  we tried all avenues, spending thousands and thousands in the end but i think that as we know we def cant have our own bio baby, that we have dealt with this fact and been able to move on. not saying it was/is easy but having these 2 little girls has/does help. tbh u dont have time to think about not having ur own bio baby!!     give urself some time and be kind to urselves.

best of luck, anything we can do to help, please feel free.

lots of love camly x x x x


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi everyone  

Hope you don't mind me gatecrashing! 

Like Aweeze I'm a bit confused at the mo to    

We've always considered adoption since we found out that DH had no sperm but decided to go down the treatment roller coaster using donor sperm.  As you can see from my sig. we've had quite a bit of treatment so far and we are extremely lucky that we have had it from our P.C.T.  We are lucky enough to have two IVF treatments left but the longer we go down this line the more that adoption seems to be the more positive route (though we know it won't be easy at all).  I'm just wondering if anyone has given up there free go/goes on the N.H.S. and moved on to adoption? 

At the end of the day I think I will probably have to carry on with treatment but I look forward to the day where we can move on and be a family however that will be.  

Lots of best wishes to everyone, love Charlie xx


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## Alex123 (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Charlie

I hope you don't mind me jumping on to this thread. I have been a bit of a lurker for a while on this board  . As you can see from my signature we've had a lot of treatment (including two ICSIs which were private). I wanted to write to say that we have just given up two free NHS goes as we've decided to go down the adoption route. Decided we couldn't face anymore treatment (well I think my DH could have but something snapped in me and I decided no more!) and that being a family was more important than having (or trying to have) a biological child. We've spent about £14,000 on private treatment and alternative therapy so at first it was odd to be considering giving up our free NHS goes but for us adoption just seems the right way to go. We started thinking seriously about adoption as an option about 1.5 years ago. I know we have a long way to go still but hopefully we are now on the road to be a family. 
Good luck with your decision - you'll know what is right for you and Dh. 
Alex x


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi there
for me even after 9 donor egg ivf cycles I didn't really feel ready to move on to adoption and only agreed to look into it because my dh was keen (I think he could see ivf was ruling my life) I was very ignorant about adoption but prepared to learn more in order to make an informed decision about whether it would be for us.
Only after the prep courses, loads of Reading and starting home study did I become sure adoption was the right way for us to have our family and we are fortunate enough to have a lovely ds.
I often still think about ivf and wonder if we gave up too soon but deep down I do know we made the right decision. My only regret is that I didn't carry and give birth to ds, those are feelings that I don't think will ever go away.
Good luck whatever you decide 
Crusoe x


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## forever mummy one day (Dec 1, 2008)

i don't normally post but do keep a diary and am a lurker on the boards.
i too gave up two free ivf cycles to move on to adoption. for us we just knew that enough was enough and i must say that for us it was the best decision we ever made. we feel so much more positive now and even though the adoption process isn't easy and we have had to move agencies as our first agency had to close (but i guess everything happens for a reason maybe?) we have found it much easier than the uncertainty of ivf. i guess you just know when the time is right to stop treatment, also we had always intended on adopting at some point even if ivf had been successful. i had my last ivf in july and we are now due to go to panel at the beginning of may (so quite quick) and i have actually quite enjoyed to hs so far and our social worker is absolutely fantastic.
good luck to everyone else and im sure you will all maqke the decision that is right for you.
xxxx


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2010)

We never did our NHS IVF - in fact we got to the top of the list a week after we applied to adopt - we'd even forgotten we were still on it.  

Bop


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Thanks so much for your replies and all the info, Alex, crusoe, forever mummy one day and Bop  

We have a review coming up soon after our recent failed IVF so we're hoping we may get a few answers in regards to the treatment, i.e could anything else be wrong or just pot luck at the end of the day,   so that may help us a little with our decision......or we still may be going round in circles for a while yet     From what you all say I guess we will know once the time is right and it's good to know I'm not mad if I did decide to give up my free goes!

Thanks again, love Charlie


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