# Reaction of child to being donor conceived...



## Lilo2 (May 10, 2009)

Lots of people on here must have given this a lot of thought, so I'm hoping you might be able to shortcircuit my thinking on this!

Are you concerned that your child will in some way reject the parent who is not the biological parent?  (Assuming they know of course.)

If you decide to go for an anonymous donor, do you think your child will resent that?  (I guess a simple answer to your child, but perhaps not one that might go down well, is that it was the only way you could get them in particular, as opposed to some other child who would be the product of a non-anonymous donor..)

I was feeling reasonably gung ho about the whole DE idea, and then read a few posts which got me thinking...


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## Bluebottle (Nov 12, 2007)

Hi,

Have a look here:

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

There is a PDF of seven young people talking about being donor conceived. Hopefully this will answer some of your questions.

BBxx


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## Guest (May 19, 2009)

Hi Lilo,

DS was conceived using donor sperm as we had no choice - both woman 
We looked at all the options available to us and chose an annonymous donor through a reputable hospital. We felt that this was the best way for us for many reasons. 
We didn't want a donor we knew as there was noone in our lives that was suitable and we didn't want anyone else to be involved in the upbringing of our child.
We knew it was safer this way both legally and with regards to our health - there are so many websites selling fresh sperm that cannot be tested, the donor just has blood tests before donating.
It was very important to us that any children we had would have a choice to contact the donor when they turn 18 and also that we can use the same donor for the child that DP is trying to conceive.
With regards to rejection of the non-bio parent, DS adores his Mammy just as much as his Mummy and knows no different. I think kids just want to feel loved by whoever and genes don't really matter! 
Of course we will have to tell DS how he was 'made' as he will realise we didn't create him once he knows about the birds and the bees, but even if we were a male/female couple we would still be honest with him when the time came. 
I can only imagine the sorts of questions we will get as DS grows up and all we can do is be honest with him and sensitive to his feelings. He may be like 'whatever' or he may find it really hard to deal with, I don't know, but I hope we will be there to help him through any feelings he has


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Lilo 2
Not sure if you are referring to an anonymous donor who would be identifiable to a child age 18, and about whom you have quite a lot of information to share as they grow up (as per Moo2275) or an anonymous donor about whom you know nothing or very little and whom the child is not able to contact at 18 or anytime. DC Network is full of older children/young people who have anonymous donors they know very little about. They deal with this very well if parents are comfortable and honest from an early age. But they were conceived before anonymity was removed in the UK. What we don't know is how children conceived with the help of anonymous donors abroad are going to feel once they know that anonymity ended in the UK in 2005. It's just one of the many unknowns in the minefield that is donor assisted conception. What we do know is that most donor conceived adults would like any - as much as there is available - information about their donor in order to help put together the jigsaw of who they are. Have a look at this new leaflet from the American Fertility Association which goes through the arguments for and against 'telling' children and includes views of donor conceived adults about information. http://www.theafa.org/library/article/talking_with_children_about_ovum_donation_2009
Olivia


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## Lilo2 (May 10, 2009)

Thanks Bluebottle, I read the article and it's nice to hear that these young people seemed to be happy that the people that brought them up ARE their real parents, although there is that bit where one of the girls says she feels less close to her mum, because she is not biologically related.

Olivia, that's a really good article, and funnily enough partly puts to rest the issue that the child will in some way reject the non-bio parent  (perhaps the girl above was atypical).  On the whole it's fairly positive on that point and on the point of whether the children feel bad in any way about being DC.  

That leaves the anonymity issue - by anonymous I meant a donor that the child could never find out about, as opposed to an 'anonymous' donor in the UK where they are anonymous initially but not to the child later on.  Interestingly in the article (also on DCN of course) that Bluebottle's link goes to, the kids talked about joining up in some finding service using DNA, so it seems that there are already ways being exploited...  

Moo2275, it sounds like you have given it a lot of thought and know how you will handle things which is great.  Of course you do have a slight advantage in that hopefully you will both be the bio mum of one of your kids - which is fab.    I think in a way the ideal way is what you're doing - getting a donor that the child can contact later, but the things I struggle with there are the lack of info upfront, waiting lists and so on!

Thanks to you all, this has been very helpful and I think my next step should be to sign up to DCN and read some more!!

Lilo


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Lilo
These are difficult choices I agree.  If you feel you would like a donor that a child could have the choice to contact later, then there are clinics in the UK that have short waiting lists, sometimes shorter than some Spanish clinics.  Contact the National Gamete Donation Trust www.ngdt.co.uk for up to date information on clinics near you.

The organisation the young people in the DCN article are referring to is UK DonorLink, a UK government funded charity that brings together donors and donor conceived people by mutual consent and DNA testing from the pre 1991 era (before the HFEA register was around and clinics all kept their own records).
Best wishes
Olivia


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## Lilo2 (May 10, 2009)

Great, thanks Olivia - I'll do that!


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Lilo, we have DE twins and the donor is a close friend.

I have already joked to her she'd better be ready for our DD in particular to throw a teenage wobbly at some stage and declare she's moving in with aunty K! I think in the teenage years the DE aspect is sure to be thrown back at us "You're not even my REAL mother!"  but I can say at this point, having one none DE child, and now the twins, that growing them, birthing them breastfeeding them and loving them... I am 100% their mum even though they have, and will know the incredible friend who shared her eggs and DNA with us.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

PS, I think if you're obliged to use an anon donor abroad, then all you can do is to be ooen and honest withn your child from early on. yes, they may resent it later, but all you can do is be there for them and explain honestly how they came to be and how much you love them.


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## Lilo2 (May 10, 2009)

Hi drownedgirl - thanks very much for replying (and so early in the day!) - it's great to hear how you feel about your twins, and as someone said - your teenager will hate you anyway!!  I think it will take a bit of handling but at least we will all have many years to prepare!

Lilo


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