# dealing with jealousy



## MightyMouse

I know Im not the only woman on here that struggles with her feelings of jealousy.
DH has a child from a previous marriage. He still going to court for more access and she is an insane ex.
I work p/time and do most of the childcare. (financially worked out better for us) 
I have to see the ex-wife who has had another child with her new husband. 
She wheels out the child and is always smug and...twee....

Every month gets harder for me. We have been TTC for 16months now. 

Seeing my SS (who is 4) and seeing the ex-wife with the new baby is soooo hard for me.

It's making me crazy... especially at this time of the month.
Im jealous.
Im bitter.
Im irrational!

I think Im pushing DH away.

Can anyone else relate to this?
Any words of advice/wisdon? Or am I that messed up that only the advice of a counsellor will help!


----------



## dips

Hi MightyMouse,
Yes, I can relate to this and am sure hundreds of others here can...I know how u feel and can completely understand...it is just sad that we are having to go through these things in our lives   ...just seems so so unfair   ... We have been TTC for 5 and a half years now and when we started there were so many friends of ours who were also young, newly married and had no kids...it felt ok then as they all were also couples....but then one by one they all started having kids..and we kept waiting for our turn and being happy for them.... but it never happened!!   ....all of my friends now have 1 or 2 kids each....we are the only ones in our circle who have none! Also new friends that I have made recently have called me in the last 2-3 weeks to announce their pregnancy   ....it is just devastating....even I feel anger, jealousy, sadness, everything that u have described...becoz all the time people are having something that u so desperately want!!! Please know that u r not alone in this....and it is perfectly natural to feel what u r feeling...after all we are human and all these feelings are human as well....so dont be guilty for having any of those feelings...I know it is easier said than done but just bear in mind that when it is ur time ur wishes will come true, no matter what....ok maybe we will get things later than others but we will   ... Dont lose hope and stay strong and positive...take it as a journey towards ur favourite destination and u will deal with whatever comes in the way... If u feel that at present u cannot deal with meeting the ex wife then just take a break and dont see her for a while...be selfish for some time and do what is right for u...I hope and   that things work out for u soon....in the mean time, feel free to come here and rant all u want...thats what we are here for...to give u all the support u need xx


----------



## Aprilisthebest

Hi i totaly understand what ur feelin im a single girl that wants nothing more than to be a mum! Im looking into geting donor sperm! The jelousy u feel i get to and its awful you want to feel happy for your friends but you just cant. Hang in there u wil get your baby and when u do it wil be even more special because u have tried that bit harder! Rant at me anytime ur dwn... Either of you! Take care x x x


----------



## MightyMouse

Thank you so much for your kind words both!

I have detached from the court stuff. The stress was having an effect on my health. I can't do very much about the ex-wife. i just want her to fall off the planet and disappear..
She waves her new baby in front of me (wont' see DH as she's apparenly too scared- Sigh).

It hurts so much. Every month DH has to put up with my hormones. We are seeing a gynae next week and Im pretty sure I will be given Clomid. Gawd help me & DH when I'm on that! By all accounts this will be a picnic compared to the hormonal mess that I will be on that stuff!!

It is so lovely to know that Im not on my own.. I just wanted to hear how you all deal with it. The ex-wife even had a bloody dog! And ... you know what? I want a dog! I have had a chat with DH and, bless him, he said he'd get the dog!


My thoughts go out to you all!!!!!xxx


----------



## rockandrose

Definitely get the dog! They really do calm you down especially as you can take it for long walks and get lots of lovely excercise and fresh air. We have two rescue cats from RSPCA and they are fabulous, as they sit on my lap and purr, and generally absorb all the love and attention I'd been hoping to lavish on my baby by now.


----------



## shellymay

Definitely get the dog.

I got one after my first miscarriage and a second after my second miscarriage. I joke with DH that we better not have anymore miscarriages, as we could land up with a load of dogs!!

I love them to death. I walk them everyday in the park, and I love my time alone, to think, to dream, to ponder. I meet people who know nothing about me at all and we talk about normal things, the flowers, the dogs, the weather. It's lovely and relaxing.

Some people think I am projecting the love I would have for a baby onto my dogs - let me see - no, no I couldn't GIVE A SH*t what anyone thinks.     

Big hugs to you hun. 
Mx


----------



## MightyMouse

Thanks girls! 

I think the dog is looking to become a reality.


----------



## Marianna-Petros

I got a dog and I adore her! They are great and the only ones that seem to get how you feel without even asking you. 

Try not to compare yourself with the ex (if possible) besides, you have your own home (and your own dog), so the crazy ex can stay out of it and you can go ahead and have a baby and make everything happen for you! Protect your home and ignore her, this way you will keep her in a safe distance from your life!


----------



## XXDDxx

hi

when i first started out i never thought i would become jealous, i have to say I'm finding it harder and harder and so scared of becoming a grumpy bitter person   not in a good place right now   xxx


----------



## Son

Everyday I seem to see someone, or know someone, or hear about someone that is pregnant or just given birth & as much as I pride myself for 'painted-on-smile' I seriously feel that the paint is now beginning to crack & my real face of absolute heartbreak & jealousy is starting to show  
We all know how to say all the right things in all the right places & how to 'oooooooh & awwwwww' when expected but then when we walk away how do we cope with hurt inside? How do we manage to hold back those huge heavy tears & carry on - again?!!

Even though I'm now with my gorgeous DP, I still feel crushed everytime I see my ex with his wife & their 2 babies - he was such a horrible, cruel person to me so how can 'he upstairs' let fate give them 2 BFP's when myself & my DP get nothing  

Life can be cruel but we only get one chance at it so we have get up each morning & paint on our smiles BUT I truly believe that one day our wishes & dreams will come true & all of our 'painted smiles' will become genuine ones!!   (I hope!!!)

   to all.
xxxxx


----------



## rockandrose

I know what you mean about the painted on smile... you want to feel happy for someone but it's very difficult to compartmentalise your own sadness while feeling happy for someone else who's had better luck. One thing I have had to do is to practice an answer for any time someone asks 'do you want to have kids?' or worse still 'when are you going to have kids?' (as if it's something I can predict... I'm not an oracle!). I have decided to say 'fingers crossed!' with a suitable mime. Seems to be suitably non-commital and they usually move on to a different topic. We should all get an oscar for our acting, I think...


----------



## XXDDxx

son

you totally hit the nail on the head there, im glad im not totally alone with my feeling   

rockandrose we dont get the baby qeustion too much YET thankfuly im sure its on its way though xxxxxx


----------



## Son

Was in town today buying a some baby clothes for a friends newborn & whilst I was at it I bought myself a lovely lip gloss to help with my smile!!  

 to all...xxx


----------



## dips

Son,

I know the feeling....have had to do it so many times...well done for buying the lip gloss and bringing on the smile   ...but I am sure one day we all wont have to fake it and the smile will be genuine...and we will be shopping for our babies


----------



## Faith2011

Hi ladies. Loving the posts. I lost my son at 19 weeks in May. At work there are two other ladies who are as pregnant as I would have been. They know what happened and are not cruel enough to talk about their pregnancies in front of me but I still need to fix on a smile to be around them and get through the day.
I am physically unable to congratulate anyone on their pregnancy and find myself inwardly scowling when I see pregnant ladies.
I was feeling so guilty about this. I'm seeing a therapist and discussed this with her yesterday- she said these feelings are entirely natural and that I should be kinder to myself. 
So be kind to yourselves.  Good luck and fairy dust to all- I look forward to seeing you on pregnancy boards soon. xxx


----------



## vickypink

I totally know how you guys feel.  I have been TTC for 1yr and 1 month.  I have the added complication of endometriosis but despite that, I stayed positive until my sister in-law fell pregnant.  I found out in May that she was expecting and ever since I have cried and cried and cried.  I can't face seeing her or my brother and don't talk about it or ask about them when speaking to my parents.  I feel like such a terrible person and I don't know how I am going to deal with the birth.  Christmas is going to be a nightmare and I just want to curl up into a little ball and forget about everything.  
I asked the doc yest to refer me and my hubby to the fertility clinic - she said it could take between 6-8 months to get an appt....  My hubby doesn't want to go through IVF which is another nightmare to add to the situation....   Life can be so unfair at times...


----------



## ★~Reach4theStarz~★

Hi everyone...im new to this site and this is my first post so be nice  
Im so glad to have read this as i have been feeling so awful thinking i was a bad person for feeling bitter and jelous towards others being pregnant.
In the last 3 months....3 people at work have announced being pg (i work in a hospital on a ward so lots of women talking babies and pregnancies!!)...two friends and DF sister having 2nd baby, its really got me down and so i came across this site and it has made me feel much better that im not alone with how im feeling.
I have tried to remain positive and have booked a spa day with my mum for tomorrow as us girls need pampering when feeling low  
 good luck to everyone  
baby dust to all
xXx


----------



## XXDDxx

Stay strong girls, its normal to feel this way. Its nice to see we are not alone. Xxx


----------



## kiteflyer

Hi Vickypink I just wanted to say I know how you feel as I found out my sister-in-law is expecting in May too! A November birth means Christmas will be even worse than ever lol! (Bah humbug and all that). I avoid them but my mum is good and doesn't talk about it, but then my brother will say we haven't seen you in ages or w have a birth class near you we will come and see you after NO NO NO please don't!    

I have been trying for 11 months but do not know why we are having problems yet, all the testing is taking forever  . The only plus side is my DP is on my side and says we will do anything even adopt as he thinks I will make a great mum  . Although I do have to stop crying in front of him as he hates it!


----------



## Coombiesgirl

Hiya ladies,
I have to say I know too well how you all feel, we are trying to get pregnant for 6 years now, and I had to sit there and watch everyone I know having babies. My sister has a 9 months old baby and is 3 months pregnant, she didn't even plan for the second pregnancy, only once she had unprotected sex and got pregnant. I had to sit there listening her moaning how it was a mistake and is too early to have her second baby. My brother is going to have his first baby in march too. 
I feel so trapped and its nothing I can do about about it, sometimes I feel like its hard to breath. It still surprises me sometimes that this is happening to me   
I will be starting my second IVF in January and it feels like forever


----------



## ★~Reach4theStarz~★

Hi girls,

Feeling really low today  ...especially after reading status'es on ******** all about peoples scans, babies etc...what made it worse was one of them was moaning how fed up they felt being pg

I would give anything to be in their situation anything!! they dont realise how lucky they are!! 

DF doesnt seem to want to talk about it either...just says theres nothing we can do until i have my laparoscopy to get results...everyday is such a struggle!!! 
Im back to work on thursday which im dreading, after having a week off... as i have to face the 3 pg colleagues argh !!

roll on november !!!


----------



## Son

Evening ladies;

Reach4theStarz, I know what you mean about the ******** thing; I've even now deactivated my account because so many of my friends on there seemed to be changing their profile pics to scan pics & as much as I smile & send them a "congratulations" wall post on the inside, without realising, they are all chipping away at my heart so I chose to break away from them for abit - does that make me sound really horrible for wanting to stear clear of their happy news?!!    

My line manager at work is pregnant; she's not the nicest of people at the best of times but now when she stands there rubbing her baby bump & moaning about being tired, feeling sick, having a bad back or having to go to her antenatal appts I just have to turn away - she must think I'm such an ignorant witch - probably not helping my relationship with her for when I have to renew my contract but I just find it so hard being around pregnant people  

One day eh??  

 ...to all... xx


----------



## ★~Reach4theStarz~★

Hi son,

I also considered deleting my account, but sometimes its the only way i stay in contact with people so not sure i can do it.

Your not a horrible person for feeling the way you do because i feel exactly the same and im sure others on here feel the same....either that or were all horrible people together   

I really cant wait to go back to work and constantly listen to baby talk  .....i bet that within the week iv had off ill go back and someone else would have announced there pg!!! before i know it everyone at work will be and ill be the only one not on maternity leave!! 

just have to wait wait wait ....i hate waiting  

   to all

xXx


----------



## rockandrose

I've deactivated my ******** account too - it just got really irritating. I figured that if I am important to people they will contact me one of the old fashioned ways. Like carrier pigeon, for instance. I'm quite lucky at the moment, only one PG lady at work and she doesn't mention it, although I did walk in the other day to see everyone cooing at the picture of a scan. Nobody seems to be asking me about having babies either, for which I am very grateful. Either I am giving off 'leave me alone' vibes or someone is a very effective mindreader and gossip monger, rolled into one...


----------



## Nosilab

Hi ladies - just been reading this thread and it's made me feel really tearful and emotional!    I think it's partly to do with reading all the heartfelt stories from each of you, and some very sad ones too, but also that I can totally empathise where you are all coming from and it's soooooo reassuring to know I'm not the only one having these feelings of extreme jealousy!!  Everytime I hear someone make their 'big announcement' or after another month of disappointment for me it's like my heart is breaking into tiny pieces    I also feel like a REALLY bad person for not wanting to be around pregnant friends, family and work colleauges, I feel like such a nasty person when I don't ask "how are you?"  or "how is bump?" etc etc....I just bury my head in the sand.  I even made my excuses to get out of someones maternity leaving 'do' last week as I just couldn't face hearing all the 'baby chat' all night...oh no...that definitely would've sent me a bit    I've also considered deactivating my ******** account because I can't bare seeing all the baby pics, scans or hearing all the baby updates, but my friends and family are so spread out that it's sometimes the only way we all keep in contact - so haven't quite got around to closing my account, but maybe if these feeling continue then I might have to seriously consider it.  With each month that passes it gets harder and harder and I feel like time is deperately running out for us (I'm 40 next year and DH will be 49!)  

Sending lots of love,   and baby dust to all


----------



## Nosilab

PS:  Vickypink - I wanted to add that my DH also doen't want to go through IVF, so I can totally understand what you mean about that adding so much more stress to an already stressful and emotional situation


----------



## ★~Reach4theStarz~★

Hi NosilaB,

sorry to hear your going through the heart ache like we are too ...life just isnt fair sometimes is it.  
I cant belive your DH wouldnt want to do ivf?? if he wanted children as much as you do would he not want to do anything possible to get your dream?? i hope that maybe when it comes to it they he will change his mind for you  

I just really hope that i wont always be feeling the way i do at the moment, its like i could burst into tears at any moment ....how can you live like that??

baby dust to all 
xXx


----------



## Nosilab

Hi Reach4theStarz

Yeah...the constant heartache really sucks doesn't it - I try to convince myself that there can't be many more tears left to cry...but no...they just keep coming!  Lets hope that one day, very soon, we all get our wishes come true and then we can cry happy tears and be the proud mummies and daddies that we all deserve to be  

Yes, 'tis a very complicated situation with DH, we've been together 14 years and always said we didn't want children, but in the last 3 years I've changed my mind - drastically!  And I think DH is finding it hard to keep up with me lol!  It's been a very tricky few years, even getting to the TTC stage, and then when nothing happened and we ended up having to go for tx, well, that just sent his brain a bit    He has changed over the last couple of years though, he's much better than he was and he understands how important this is for me, and he hates seeing me sooo upset all the time, so because he loves me so much, he's prepared to go forward for IVF, but becase he doesn't have that desperate desire to be a dad he's not overly happy about it - but doing it for my sake    Tricky eh!  If we ever are lucky enough to be blessed with a little one I know, just know, he'll be fantastic....

Love and babydust to you


----------



## ★~Reach4theStarz~★

Oh i see...very tricky situation with DH!!...i suppose im lucky in a way to have a DF that wants kids as much as me...but then its hard for DF because he brothers and sisters all have kids and hes the ony one left who doesnt which i think he finds tough.

i really hope you are successful with what ever you decide to do  

xXx


----------



## Nosilab

Thank you    and you too  

xxx


----------



## lilacbx

Gosh so much sadness   We are all going thorough an emotional rollercoaster which is made so much more difficult by how people percieve those without children "so you've decided not to have any?" or "are you waiting for your carrer to be settled first?" NO!!! I want to be a mummy so much I could pop and yet I have to nod and smile and pretend to be someone else just to get through.

I wouldn't wish this heart ache on anyone but some people are so disrespectful of how hard we find it on the other side. I have 10 friends who have either just had babies or are expecting plus work collegues and their partners. I feel surrounded but I try to stay stong in their precence - I was pushed over the brink the other day though as 2 friends announced their "happy news" and the day after - on my 30th birhtday - I got a text from an old friend saying she had just had her baby. She hadn't been in touch for a year so i didn't know she was pg! there wasn't even a Happy Birthday to me and she is well aware of our struggle to have a baby. I was mortified but what can I say   ? the world seems to think I should just zip it but I'm so   and   !!!

Oh and back to the dog issue - I got my puppy from a rescue center the year before we started TTC and he is wonderful  I can't believe how much I love him and he helps get me out of the house no matter what the weather for a walk and a ponder


----------



## Nosilab

It is frustrating isn't it, when people just assume you haven't got children by choice! I just want to shout out loud "THIS ISN'T MY CHOICE YOU KNOW - I *DO* WANT A BABY!". I'm not sure if it's true or if I'm just being over sensitive but I have a friend with a 5 year old and I feel like this year she's completely cut me out - it's almost like I'm not good enough for her anymore, or like she can't be bothered with me because I'm not in the 'mummy club'  So I've decided to try and forget about her for now, as I have better, more reliable friends and it's those friends I need around me right now.

I really can't believe your friend texting you after a year to gloat about her baby news and not even so much as a 'happy birthday' for you - that is so inconsiderate!! OMG!!! That would've definitely pushed me to the brink too, so I'm not surprised you felt that way. I had a similar situation recently - I felt like it drove me a bit  . I really had to hold it together the whole time I was with this friend but then just broke down in floods of tears the moment I left her house and then found it really difficult to be around her for a while.

We don't have a dog - but we do have a cat, cockatiel and 2 bunnies - all are rescue animals and I wouldn't be without them! The cat especially gives so much love. A friend the other day laughed at me and said "are your animals baby substitutes?!" I felt really hurt by the fact she laughed and was a bit flippant about about, so I just very straight faced said "yes, probably!" but I don't care.....so I'm glad you get lots of love from your little puppy, animals are great at comforting us when we're feeling down


----------



## hamba

Hi I know how you feel. I have a fantastic stepdaughter who stays with myself and dh because her waste of space egg donor can conceive easily, but cannot look after the end result a child. I thank god my daughter as i consider her is about I have just had my second failed attempt at IVF. Sometimes I just wish I could adopt my DD and get on with it her waste of space is not interested it is just a control thing. My DD has just been a weekend there and yet again she has been farmed out as the delightful woman could not be annoyed. I am maybe slightly different in the sense of I am a parent just not a biological one , but trust me I still feel all the jealousy and anger. I get so frustrated with myself as I was never a jealous person of material things, but then again a child is not material. I dont want to feel like this. I really wish people would not open there mouths and let their bellies rumble when they discuss the whole pregnancy thing. I had somebody discuss homebirth knowing that me and DH are going through IVF.


----------

