# Hello I am new here, and have some questions



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello,

I am new here, and just wanted to introduce myself and ask your advice if thats ok?

After the usual long road of IF tx, which finished for us early 2006, Dh and I now feel that adoption is the right next step for us    

I have been dropping into your board for a while, and your stories have given me immense hope and comfort.

We took our first tentative step at the weekend by buying a book about adoption ('Considering Adoption' by Sarah Biggs) however have been a bit put off because the book says that applicants over 30 are unlikely to be considered which I gather from other threads on here as well as info on the BAAF this info is complete rubbish!! 
I have now lost my confidence in the book a  bit, and am worried that the book may be out of date (it was written in 2000 and I think there has been changes in legislation since then).

To get to the point, I see the BAAF recommends their book 'Adopting a child' by Jennifer Lord as a good beginners book. Has anyone here read it and found it helpful, or do you have any better suggestions? We are looking for a straightforward, honest (but not off-putting!) introduction to the adoption process and key issues.

Also, can I ask, how did you know when you were ready to apply? The book I have says you should have come to terms fully with not having your own children and no longer be experiencing pain at hearing other peoples pg announcements etc....  I feel that I could wait a lifetime to be at this stage      
Could anyone advise?

If you apply and then realize later that you are not quite ready does that go against you in the future?

Sorry to bombard you with questions, but thank you for your time, I look forward to getting to know you in due course.

Ermey
xxx


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hi Ermey and welcome 
the Sarah biggs book is rather old but it should give you a good 'overview' as a starting point,but yes thats complete rubbish about the age 
I've not read the jennifer lord book but others may be able to give you some feedback. i found the adoption handbook by baaf really good as a guide of the process
http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/book_adopthandbook.shtml

as far as being ready..hippy started a thread about this a while back which you might find helpful to read http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=72175.0. There is usually a preliminary meeting before the process kicks off and if the sw didnt think you were ready they would probably suggest you wait a while anyway.I dont think it would go against you if you did start the process and pulled back a bit if you felt you werent ready.. the sw's respect honesty as part of the process...

good luck with your journey

kj x


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ermey
Welcome!  I've read the Jennifer Lord book and found it useful but I also found a lot of the information on the BAAF website and my own LAs website.  There is a list on here of recommended reading which may be worth looking at.  I am currently reading A Childs Journey Through Placement by Vera someone.  Its a bit heavy going and goes into a lot of detail on attachment etc so not something to start of with.  I also bought DH a book about Fatherhood through Adoption which is about the only book from a male point of view.

We start our prep course this week so are fairly new to this journey.  We both decided we couldn't take anymore pain from tx last year and we had always said we would move to adoption next.  It is scary but most of the time we are very positive and hopeful, reading the lovely news on here helps!

The good thing with the process is you can pull out, postpone or take longer at any time.  SS would rather you took longer and were honesty than a placement fall apart.  I think its natural to have doubts, for me the more I read and chat to people the more positive I become.  I know a number of people who have adopted and they all felt the same, probably something to do with the 'unknown' again.

Good Luck
Ot x


----------



## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Ermey
Welcome to the board. The age thing is complete rubbish, I'm 38 and dh is 42 and we were placed with our little boy in October when he was 17 months. I bought a couple of books from the BAAF website which were a bit more up to date but I found this board more useful than any book because everything I was going through, someone else had been through it as well so could answer any questions. This board also gives you loads of encouragement and support as everyone else is in the same boat.
My dh hadn't read a thing when we went for our prep course. I of course had read loads so was a bag of nerves as I was expecting all sorts of questions but I shouldn't have been because it was fine. They are not trying to catch you out, they just want to ensure you are comitted to adopting which i'm sure you both are.
I've been through the infertility rollercoaster as well and used to feel dreadful when someone announced they were pg. Still now I sometimes feel a bit of 'pang' when someone is pg but I think it's because as a woman you are 'expected' to get pregnant and have your 'own children'. I've lost count of the amount of people who have told me 'i'm doing a wonderful thing' by adopting. But now that we've got Sunny I wouldn't be without him. He's been with us for 13 weeks now and I honestly love him as much as I do my birth child of 13, I would die for him. You really are making the right decision, although it will be challenging at times. I sought comfort on this board and it really helped. 
Good luck,
Val xxx


----------



## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi Ermey

I am just about to start the adoption process and have recently read the J Lord book.  I found it really helpful, very informative and the sections are split off into easy to read small chunks.  She says in this book that the average age of someone adopting is 38!  So the over 30 thing isn't true.  

I'm at the stage of anxiously awaiting our first info evening.  Feel quite nervous about it too.  I too have wondered about the issue regarding 'being ready' and coping with the issue of not having your own birth child etc.  But have found that since I have been reading up on adoption and reading these boards etc I have felt quite excited about the whole process (and nervous too).  Recently when someone told me they were pregnant it didn't hurt like it usually does.  I feel that going through this process will help to ease some of the pain surrounding IF (although I can still imagine it hurting now and then: especially on a bad day).  I guess as long as you can show your SW that you see adoption as a positive thing and feel ready to commit to this then hopefully this should be enough.  I must admit the whole adoption process sounds very daunting: but hopefully it will be ok!!

Good luck with it all.

love maisie xx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thank you all so much for for being so welcoming, and for all your replies which are really helpful  

Its great to have your opinions of the books you have read, as well as the support you have found in other places such as here and other websites. thanks so much for sharing it with me. I think I will start with the Jennifer Lord book as something quite easy to take in chunks, and then move onto the handbook once we have set the ball rolling.

Thank too for sharing with me your experiences, so good to hear the age thing is rubbish (and quite right too, how ridiculous would that be!) 

I was so touched to read of your love for your adopted son, Val, what a lovely story, and yet also very helpful to know that its normal to still have 'pangs'. 

Also very reassured to hear about the 'being ready' bit, and that its not a disaster if we want to take a bit more time. At the moment I am in this weird transitional statement of excitement and hope, but still find it painful to be around my friends babies (although seem ok with strangers babies!)  and I was worried about being under pressure to be completely 'healed'. Maisie your thoughts were very helpful on this. 

Thanks very much again, and hope to 'see' you again in the future!

Ermey
xxx
P.S Maisie  - good luck with your info evening


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi my lovely friend Ermey, just wanted to say how moving and lovely it is to see your post on this thread   I felt quite choked up because having shared your painful IF journey with you and to now see you slowly emerging to new exciting pastures is just very special and wonderful. 

It is soooo fab to sense your excitement, and know that hopefully the two of us will be sharing this new adventure together too, when Dh and I also make our decision re applying for adoption this year. 

It will be a privilege to share this new road with you and the other wonderful, kind and supportive ladies on this thread. I always feel so inspired when I pop on this thread so thank you everyone!

Love
Hippy
Who hopes to also join you all soon!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Just wanted to say Helli and welcome to Ermey & Hippy.

We are a very supportive bunch of people on this part of the site and if we can help you in any way then we will.

Good luck with your journeys.

Love
Andrea
xx


----------



## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Helli, Ermey and Hippy,
Just to echo what Andrea has said a big hello and welcome. Any questions or worries just ask one of us will be able to either help or be an understanding ear,
Love JD x


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Sorry my last message should have said Hello not helli!!  Sorry Jilldill it was typing error and not a new person!

BUT it gave me a good reason to send another meassage as I just looked at the last message and it said messages sent 666!  

Better put an end to that one quick!!

Love
Andrea
xx


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Welcome Ermey and Hippy.

Ermey in answer to your question, I think that quote belongs with the ones that say "never eat chocolate, it's fattening and always eat your 5 portions of veg".  Yes, it would be great to be totally over the pain of if before you apply but I don't think it is totally realistic to imagine you will never have the odd pang.  I think you have to come to terms with the fact you will never have your own biological child and to have stopped grieving for what might have been and be focused on what's ahead.  However, until you have your new child I think it is only natural to occasionally have a pang when you see a pg woman, I don't think it's any different from any woman feeling broody.

Best of luck to the both of you with your new journeys.

Cindy


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

WOW what a truly lovely warm welcome from you guys   I was so touched THANK YOU. Not starting the whole process for a little awhile yet, but it is fab to know that even before things get going I can come on here and get such fab, friendly and helpful advice from people who really do know what this road is all about.

Look forward to getting to know you guys better over the course of 2007  

Big hugs

Hippy
xxxxxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thanks cindy thats a really helpful way of looking at it.

As Hippy says it has been wonderful to have such a warm and helpful welcome from everyone!

Thanks once again  

Ermey
P.S Hippy, our posts just crossed...thank you for such lovely words of support.... y'know same goes!


----------



## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Ermey and Hippy

Welcome to this area of FF.  as you can see from the responses you have got we are a very welcoming bunch.

The others have given some really good advice and I can only echo what they have said.  The book I read at the start was "The Adoption Experience" by Ann Morris.  It told it from all angles, and gave a good insight.  I have also had books about attachment and talking about adoption to your adopted child, all of which are very good.

In terms of accepting as the others have said it wouldn't be human for us to have the odd pang however what I have found is that it doesn't seem to hurt me so much know, its more of an "oh well".

Good luck for your journeys and happy reading

Karen x


----------

