# A swimming pool full of babies!!!!!



## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hiya

Having a bit of a down day  

I woke up bright and early, took a look at my ever expanding tum and decided to go swimming as we going on hols on 14 April to Tenerife.  The sun was shining, I was pleased with myself that I had va va voom to exercise    I decided to go to a local swimming pool that I havent been to, all in the name of researching activities for our forthcoming foster children.  I arrived, got changed and entered the pool, there was loud music playing and nobody else seemed to be in the pool .... how wrong could I be!!!!!

The pool was strange almost shaped like a snake and it had a rope sectioning off part of it.  I swam for a bit with a big smile on my face, thinking I had the luxury of the pool to myself. Then I swam round the corner and was met with about 20 adults (mums/dads) swimming with their very young babies.  It was a special baby swimming class on.  Everywhere I looked there were babies with a parent looking adoringly into the eyes of their baby.  It has been so long since I have had a strong negative emotional reaction to babies.  I pride myself on being able to be genuinely happy when someone at work announces pregnancy, I can hold babies, I can talk openly at work about my inability to have a baby, I feel in every part of me that fostering is the right thing to do.  But today I just wanted the water to swallow me up    I was rooted to the spot looking at all the beautiful splashing little bundles of fun.  I couldnt help but look at the faces of the parents, the warmth, the love.  I felt like my heart was going to break...... then I got really annoyed with myself for daring to have these feelings ....I should be over it by now!!!   I started giving myself a really hard time inside my head .... thoughts of how can I think I will be a good foster mum when I want to sob at the sight of a swimming pool full of babies!

I feel so empty and its like double wammy because it feels so long since I had these feelings, I had almost forgotten how bad it can feel!!  DH not sure what to do, I just keep going into daydreams staring into space to try and block out the sadness.  We will be fostering from age 5 upwards and I have had to adjust to that, I guess seeing all the babies was a wee reminder of that.  We are really close to arranging a panel date.  Our social worker warned me that my emotions might start to go loop da loop  

Has anyone else had these feelings .... genuinely feeling like you have moved on with the grieving process... then bam it hits you again

Sorry for depressing post, I am normally really positive!!!!!

Starbaby xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oh hun  
you're allowed to feel sad now and again, it just happens..and when it does it doesnt half slap you round the chops   generally i find i get slapped when i'm feeling particularly 'hormonal'   it happens much less these days, rarely really, but yes i definitely still get the odd one, and it does take me by surprise because i think i'm over it..but truthfully i dont think i ever really will be completely and utterly 'over it'..i will always in my heart have a little pain of what might have been...it just gets easier as you get distracted with having little ones around you..the pain dulls  a bit and you just manage it better..
its like losing a loved one..you go for years coping talking about the person, and then one day you watch something on tv, or look at a photo and memories come flooding back and you feel a bit of the old grief..
allow yourself to have this moment of grieving, its part of the process and it will pass
 
kj x


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## Cornflower (Jun 5, 2011)

I hate it when you think you've got over something and then bam (or splosh in your case!) it comes back with no warning. My version was seeing a zillion pregnant women in IKEA on Mother's Day. It'll pass, its just rubbish when you have to feel it all over again....
Sending you a


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

Hi, 

I am sorry to hear you had a bad time in the pool, it's so hard when you think you have eveything under control and find yourself being taken by surprise.

I find ******** is the worst, I will happily be scrolling down to find a newly posted scan photo or pregnancy announcement and my husband finds himself with an emotional wreck on his hands! 

Keep strong


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

I feel like that sometimes too - it has lessened but it takes you by surprise. And yes, ** is a nightmare sometimes and our neighbour announced her surprise 3rd pregnancy yesterday (her 2nd baby is only 4 months old!) and i was surprised by how upset I was (obviously smiley to her face)

Our DD came home 7 months ago and I thought that would mean I was past feeling like that, but even though she is absolutely enough and I forget sometimes I didn't give birth to her, it's surprising how these feelings come back out of the blue...

You're not alone and it's completely normal. I am sure you'll be ace at fostering.

x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

I can completely relate to how you feel. I can be feeling absolutely fine and then something triggers an uncontrollable sadness in me. I was in a queue in Mothercare buying something for my new niece and I suddenly had to leave as I felt sick in the stomach and overwhelmingly lost   I then give myself a hard time as I have supposed to of accepted we are not having a baby and we are adopting. However, we will always grieve a loss. ******** was also my worst enemy. I made the decision on Mothers Day to close my personal account. It was to upsetting and my actual family were not considering my feelings it was awful. Following from removing myself from ******** I have felt so much better and in control. 
Stay strong. It does not mean that you wont be an amazing foster mum. You will be and one day you will be busy swimming with your foster children that you wont have time to daydream


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## angel_lass (Sep 10, 2008)

I so know how you feel its heartbreaking isnt it. I was in asda today and they had all the lovely baby outfits near the cash desk, I walked away over to the other side of the store just to avoid standing next to them!! I feel so sad and down at the moment so i feel your pain


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I have not yet been to Mothercare for this reason even though we have had little boy placed with us for over 2 months now. And we did absolutely nothing for Mothering Sunday for similar reasons - too many horrid memories.

I did tend to approach these places as research for our child/Brownies/nieces.  Now we have a boy anything girly is still on the shelf!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Ladies I can totally relate. 
The other day I was in Next and got upset in baby aisle, then yesterday I got a text from my next door neighbour. On Sunday, 5days overdue, she gave birth to a stillborn son. I felt and still feel devastated. We're not super-close, though they look after our cats and we theirs when ever away, but it also has brought back a lot of old hurt and grief from miscarrying in the past and the fact we are unlikely have our own naturally, alongside the obvious grief for her and her husband and their loss. He was their firstborn. Life seems so unfair.
I thought i was over this too as very keen and thoroughly certain about adoption -we were approved last month and due to start looking at profiles 5th May (after newest update). I think that though hurts lessen, they never truly go away, it's just a shock when something happens that bring it all rushing back, as it happens so rarely.


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## Cornflower (Jun 5, 2011)

********'s a pesky pain in the bum sometimes. On Sunday, an acquaintance (mid 40's, a couple of years older than me) posted up that she was pregnant, which really hurt. Then, after lunch, she updated the post to say it had all been an April Fool. Why on earth would anyone think that worthy April Fool material? Have de-friended her. 

Easter hols mixed with nice weather means that the place is reeking with small children. Often these days they make me smile, but this last week each cute one I see feels like another twist of the knife. 

Noone else can really get it, can they?


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