# Questions to ask birth mum?



## Mum to a gorgeous cherub (Jan 3, 2004)

Hi everyone,

Don't think many of you will remember me. I was posting back in 2005 when we started our adoption journey but for various reason I stopped posting but have been lurking! Hope its ok to rejoin you all.

DH and I are thrilled to be able to say that we have been matched with a little cherub who is 11 months old. We are soo excited!!!! 

Matching panel is in 3 weeks time. Hoping it's a formality but another hurdle to get over....

Just wondered if anyone could offer me some advise about questions to ask his birth mum as she wants to meet us? We are happy to do this. What sort of things did you ask? What questions could our children ask as they get older? 

Many Thanks

WTBM xx


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Congratulations!

yes i remember you. I am so glad you have been matched.

We won't be meeting our daughter's birth parents but questions i would love to ask for the future would be:

Why did you chose her names?
Is there anyone in the family with that name?

Were you ever allergic to anything or do you have asthma/excema etc?
Do you know if any of you family had heart problems or cancer or ......?
_Did you drink whilst pregnant? and if so how much._ (only if i could get away with asking it)

Is there anything you want to tell us about being pregant or the early days of her life that she might like to know when she is older...did you call her 'bean' or anything whilst pregnant? did you have trouble conceiving? did you get morning sickness? what did you think of her when she was new born? 
Is there anything you would her to know about you that won't be in her legal papers - little things about what you were like as a child or what your hobbies are and the things that make you happy.

I would just a like a little more 'personality' than the very factual stuff on her form E and the practical stuff for medical history in the future.

magenta x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi WTBM

 Congratulations on your match 

Unfortunately I haven't got any great words of wisdom for this one as we stated in our form that we would not do face to face contact (although agreed a one off if beneficial to the children - but nto appropraite in our case).  From what I can remember our SW said they basically want reassurance that their child is going to be looked after.  I found this quite unusual as i felt that might be criticising what they did.

Good luck for matching panel

Karen x


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## Mum to a gorgeous cherub (Jan 3, 2004)

Thanks Karen & Magenta  

Some good suggestions.

It is only a one off meeting as we do not want direct contact with the birth mum. Very scared about it but feel it is in cherubs best interest.

Thanks again

WTBM x


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Congratulations on your match.  I am not at your stage yet, but when we get there, if it all possible, we would welcome a meeting with birth mum.  I would ask similar questions to those that Magenta has already listed.  I would also, if appropriate, try and get a photo taken of us with birth mum.  I think a photo of you all together could be useful in the future for the child.

I would be scared the same as you are and I also know I would find it very emotional and probably end up in tears.

Good luck.

Sanita


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Many congratulations and what a great age!!! Our DD "Sunshi" was two months older when we were linked and it is a wonderful stage to get your baby. I would have welcomed a one off meeting with BP's but it wasn't appropriate in our situation. I think the suggestions you have been given are very useful and I think for you it will fill in some blank bits so you can talk to your child about it in later years. keep us posted with the match wonderful news!!!
Love JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi so pleased to read your news, congratulations.

We met our DD BPS and the meeting only lasted about 30 minutes, it will seem longer BUT you will be so glad that you have the opportunity to meet your little ones BM.

I can't add anything more than what the others have said a part from be your self.

I told our DD BPS that we would tell her that they loved her and that they were just unable to look after her and they said they couldn't have put it better themselves.  You may want to ask her what she would like you to tell your little one, when they are older.

A photo with her would be good also, we have one of us all together and believe it or not we are all smiling.

We asked loads of questions but gave them the opportunity to ask us questions as well.  Obvisually your SW will be there with you to fend off any questions you can not or feel you can't answer.  One question they tend to slip in is do you live close by or in the area of ......., that's when your SW steps in and says they can't answer that question for obvious reasons.

Good Luck, let us know how you get on.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say good luck with it all!!  I am no where near this stage yet, but just wanted to say hi.  Hope it all goes well for you.

love maisie x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Congratulations hun, we didn't meet the bp's as they were not prepared to meet us, i have to admit i was relieved but i would of met them for ds sake, good luck

pam xx


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Good luck for matching panel
We are only a couple of weeks ahead of you and are in the process of making our own list of questions. Unfortunately for us the birth parents have dis-engaged with SS and there has been no contact for nearly 9 months. Still we are making a list of questions that the SW will keep incase they decide to start communicating again. We are also making a list about ourselves to go into the file for the birth parents so they have a general idea of the kind of people we are.

I am adopted and I remember being very frustrated because I didn't know the little details....things that bugged me were:
what weight was I at birth
Did my BM go full term in her pregnancy and did she have any problems/ cravings
How long was her labour
Was there any story behind the names she picked
Was I ever breast fed
How was I as a baby (fretful/ contented/ happy)etc
Did  I have any illlnesses/ colic etc
Did she sing me any particular song/ lullaby
Did I have a favourite toy/ blanket/ comforter

also things about her:
What subjects was she good at in school
any favourite hobbies/ sports/ bands/ music
did she play any musical instruments (that one because I am very musical and we were not sure where it came from)
how did she meet my father
has she kept a special item that was mine and if so what

I have so many other questions that bugged me but they are probably more personalised to my circumstances. I would say though that for me it was the little things that I did not have any way of finding out that bothered me rather than the more factual stuff about what happened to cause me to be looked after (I only ever felt I needed the basics on that). PM me if you would like to chat more about it...

Morgana x


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## Mum to a gorgeous cherub (Jan 3, 2004)

Thanks everyone for your lovely messages  

A special thanks to Morgana, great information much appreciated. 

Will keep you all posted

WTBM x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

WTBAM

Missed this post, think I was a bit busy   

We had a one off meet with DS's BM which I found quite beneficial, it's certainly made it easier to do postbox.  I think Morgana's covered all the questions we thought of.

Really pleased to hear of your match, can't wait to read more of your little cherub  

Cindy


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi WTBM,

All I can add is if you get the chance then go for it. We met BM and feel now it makes it easier to do contact letters etc. We also have a picture of us together which will be nice for our little one when he gets older to see we did meet her and vice versa. It was a very emotional experience but i am so glad we did it and hope that when we adopt again we will have the same opportunity.

Enjoy being a mummy.

Love PBMxxxx


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