# tired of being asked when we will have kids



## eksf

Hello Everyone,

I am tired and annoyed about constantly being asked when we will have kids and telling that we are next to have kids by friends and colleagues. To make matter worse, we (DH, me and a cat) just moved into a big family house in a family friendly area. Now almost everyone (including my in laws) asking 'so kids next, ha?'  

What am I suppose to say? Not good timing, run out of money, building my career... I swear one day I will tell these people, that for some of us it is not that easy and straight forward!  


When I had laparoscopy and hysteroscopy done, I only said I was going for surgeries, and people were soooo curious to know what type of surgery and why I needed it... 

Sorry....


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## bobo66

Oh no! I find these questions difficult too. Fortunately they don't happen very often to me but when there are questions flying around about "Do you have children?" I keep finding myself panicking about what the next question will be if I don't manage the direction of the conversation. To "Do you have children?" I usually say "no" and then ask them a question. Or, to this or more specific questions I usually say "We would love to have children" and then ask them something. I think people asking questions like this genuinely haven't thought how difficult their questions and comments might be, and are excited that you might have children soon. It could be an opportunity to let them know it's not easy for everyone but only if you are comfortable being open at the moment. You really don't have to give them reasons or personal information.


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## staceysm

Tell them straight!

I always did.  I just said that we desperately wanted children, but sadly it wasn't happening as easily for us, as it does for some people.

I never knew about infertility until it affected me and now cringe when I think of how many times I questioned people and found it odd that they didn't have children.

People that have never suffered, can never understand or are aware of it.

X


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## stelmat

I don't mind people asking if we have children, it is a pretty standard question when getting to know people.  What does annoy me is the when are you going to or aren't you leaving it late or don't leave it too late.  We had this a lot a few years ago after we got married and moved to a family house, people have pretty much given up now I think they assume we don't want any.  In some ways this is just as depressing it is like they have lost hope as well as us!

Depending who asks I either say no and change the subject or go with something like it isn't that simple for everyone, or we would like to but it isn't an option, or if they have really pushed me I may say something mc related.  It is hard sometimes, I think it is useful to have several 'stock' replies and then you can choose the one most suited to the situation without having to think about how or what to say.


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## Dory10

We had this a lot as have been together a long time and also made the move into a larger house 5 yrs ago.  It depends on how much you want to discuss it, my stock answer used to be 'not right now' but a few times 'I don't know if we can'. But that led to questions about adoption and all the helpful stories of their sister's auntie's neighbour's goat who had 3 rounds of ivf, adopted twins then relaxed and fell pregnant while sitting on a magic chair.  Xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Love those magic chairs. Was it made in America by chance?  

I always turn these questions on the people who ask it, as it gives them a chance to reflect on how it feels to be asked something like that. But, I do it in a mindful and mildly amused, not spiteful, way. Always remember: they are curious about you. You are in the position of power, holding that information. You can decide what, and how much, to tell them. You have every right to say you are not comfortable discussing that. 

...You also have a right to ask why they are interested in your fertility. ;-)
When it is clear to me that a question means something different to them than me, I re-frame the question, which also triggers their reflection and clarification of what they are really wanting to know (e.g. Are you asking about whether I am fertile or pregnant?).


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## magicpillow

I hate it when people bring up adoption. 
I've got a meal out with friends coming up soon where there will be one new mum, two heavily pregnant ones and the rest have all got kids (bar one).  Last time a couple of them said to me that at least I had options and could adopt or use donor sperm and having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Since that comment I had my ivf and then mc and I'm tempted to say diplomatically to them before this meal to please not suggest adoption etc.  I just find it so flippant considering none of them have had any problems conceiving.


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## magicpillow

Ah yes someone else said to me about a magic chair at uni.  Hate hate comments like that!


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## bobo66

@handstitchedmum - your approach sounds so helpful and focused on answering the real question the person asking has in mind. I'd be worried though about being able to think quickly enough to ask the right question back or make an appropriate comment without freaking out. Would you mind giving another hypothetical example about how you might handle questions like this, say from a new colleague?


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## Handstitchedmum

Hi Bobo66,

You are right that it may take a lot of practice to get to a place where you can pause and reframe the situation with confidence. Especially if you are anything like me whose brain (and often mouth) runs way too fast for most sensible people..!   it is hard to edit words once they come out.  

I tend to find that people lean on children/family-making as a conversation 'crutch' more than anything else and therefore they haven't put too much thought into the implications of asking it. After trying "say nothing" and also "say everything" strategies, neither of which helped me, I practiced conversations in my head until I was happy with the messages I was giving out about my fertility. It was also important to me to validate those messages with my partner, who is much more private than me.

I think it helped that, during this time, I was also very much practicing how to talk about my feelings. Having a sense of acceptance over where you are, and how you feel about where you are, in your life helps immeasurably in finding that secure base when asked intrusive questions. People respond to the tone you set, which is why my first thought when my feelings kick in after a triggering question is "I am in control" and my second thought is how to convey the values that are important to me about this topic. I slow my pace and lower my voice.  I pause. I look someone in the eye. I give them the facts (no, we don't have children). In the past I may have disclosed that we were investigating concurrency (adoption) and explain what that is. But now, I say my sibling has just had a baby boy (happy voice) who lives very far away (sad voice) or I talk about caring for my mother in law. Then, I ask them "and what about you?"  This tactic sets boundaries and then also demands reciprocity with those boundaries. People can then choose what they want to respond to, and they generally do respond "like for like" in the safe space you have created for you both! 

That said...
Because I have a much more interesting and visible attribute/trait, I very very rarely am asked about my family plans. Instead, people ask intrusive questions about my attribute as their conversational crutch instead.  I have been asked about it by thousands, seriously thousands, of people.  And my emotional reaction to being asked that question has grown and changed through all of it, so I am very familiar with all of the reactions that members of this forum have had. I still have a bit of frustration at being noticeably "different", anger that people never realise that attribute is only part of my story/identity, and boredom at being asked the same thing all the time, but also gratefulness for being perceived as approachable by thousands of strangers. 

So, my advice comes from having tried out so many different ways of answering the same (intrusive) question. I can only encourage you to be brave and try different answers. Be open to how you feel about what you say and also their response to you. People may surprise you. People may disappoint you. But you will never disappoint yourself by practicing and communicating acceptance. Xx

They may be asking the questions but you write your own story, so think about the kind of connections you want to make.   I hope this helps!


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## staceysm

Hi,

Just wanted to add that I hate the you can always adopt question.  One friend who has 3 children said that to me.

I asked her why she didn't adopt?  She didn't have to have 3 biological children who she gave birth to.  There are no rules that say you can't adopt if you have no fertility issues.

That's my rant!

X


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## magicpillow

Good answer Staceysm!


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## bobo66

Handstitchedmum - thanks! That's so helpful


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## Jengles

Thanks everyone on here, agreed I'm so sick of being made to feel like a leper or someone who has cancer because we don't have children. We met pretty late and have only been married coming up two years ( I'm 35 and he's 40) I find it so difficult to field questions without getting upset. Coming from a large family the aunts are very nosy. 

Also what does everyone do about close friends? I've confided in a couple of girls who don't have children but I don't know anyone who has been through this and really struggling to talk to my friends who already have 2 at least. Should I just not say anything?


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## bobo66

Jengles,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with intrusive questions on top of how you feel about all this.

With close friends... It's tricky in a way cos you can't take back info once it's given, but if you feel comfortable you can just tell them a bit to start with and gauge how the conversation goes. If you're close, you'll want to know what's going on and support each other, and hopefully they will want to understand and support you and to learn more sensitively, even if they have no personal experience or haven't known other people dealing with infertility. I've found that talking with close friends has opened up all sorts of avenues about different things we find emotionally difficult, and also I've had some of the best support from women who are mums and haven't had fertility problems, even though I was scared of saying something to start with. I hope your friends will be able to support you too.


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## Jengles

Thanks bobo yeah I definitely think some friends would be better about it than others but for now I've been telling people who are friends that don't know ech other (still really close to me) but I just hate the idea of people talking about me and feeling sorry for me. 
In the beginning I didn't tell anyone and it made it really difficult not to be able to talk to anyone about it. 
However one thing I do agree with is that before this happened to me I was really naive about it and had no idea how hard it was or how difficult it is when people assume you can just have as many children as you want. 
Maybe it is our job to educate the people around us about it. Reminds me a bit of when I was little and my white friends used to ask e about my skin  (I'm mixed race) and I used to have to educate them that yes I could get a suntan and yes my hair wasn't like theirs.


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## magicpillow

Most of my friends know about it and some are better than others.  I've had some very insensitive things said and most don't really get it but one or two have been very good.  
I find it so hard being asked by strangers if I've got kids as I'm currently very sensitive following my mc after first ivf and it's like a slap in the face - me feeling awkward saying no and also reminding me that I don't have what comes so easily to most. 
I'm doing a university course at the moment and on my last placement I got asked daily by different people if I've got kids as I kept meeting new people in different teams.  It was around the time of my mc and I hated it.  I've got another placement starting in two weeks and I'm already dreading the fresh round of 'have you got kids?' questions.  It makes me want to cry even thinking about that question.  Perhaps I'll be upfront next time I'm asked!


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## magicpillow

I think aswell, the question implies indirectly that anyone who wants kids can have them.  Some of the younger ones on my course often talk about 'when I have kids' as if it's a given that they will have them.  If only!


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## Gemini40

I have had years of bring asked when I am gong to have number 2 and divulging information was unhelpful to me because once they get you into the conversation, they say something really unhelpful like 'it must be your age' or 'at least you have one'. Fortunately, I have learned my lesson to tell nothing and now I am turning 40 I have responded with 'I am no longer trying because of my age' when in actual fact I am planning a de cycle, hopefully with eggs younger than theirs! I just feel this is a journey I need to do alone with out feeling pressurised by other people asking. 
On one occasion when I was asked about my failed icsi I said 'I don't want to talk about failure when I can talk to you about lots of things I have been successful in ' That killed the conversation immediately and I felt a sense of control again.


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## HM2016

This is a great discussion point as this topic is truly driving me mad! If it's not family members it's friends or colleagues. People are so curious these days that they just can't let you be. I always end up saying "we will when we are ready" or "I have been working hard for my promotion" (the latter being partly true). I find it so hard to lie but at the same time NOONE unless they're going through it themselves understand. I initially spoke to a few friends about my struggle but they are always saying unhelpful things like other people have mentioned "just relax it will happen" and they want to get "involved" just so they can be curious about the process. 

Sometimes I just want to scream and cry at the same time, but I try my best to keep cool. I have just joined this forum in the hope that I can actually chat to other people who actually know what it's like!!! Thank you to you all for sharing!!


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## Jengles

I agree hm2016 it's really hard going sometimes. The worst one was my aunt who actually told me oh such a shame when I said I didn't feel well and I said I had my period. Talk about kick in there stomach. 

Agree nice to see on here we are all feeling the same, I haven't had any friends go through this ( that I'm aware of) so v with JD be nice to make some new friends. 

What's your situation?


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## BrightSpark99

Hello! I've not posted much but this thread really struck a chord. No one knows about our struggles and people just think it's OK to ask such personal questions. The question that drives me mad is "Have you thought about having children?" As if you might have forgotten to give it any consideration! I'm still looking for the ultimate clever reply - suggestions welcome ladies! Jeez! If someone doesn't have kids, why do people think it's OK to ask why not?


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## HM2016

BrightSpark99 - exactly! I think some people just do it to see how you react, because they are curious. I hate that. For me the worst is when someone perhaps knows that you're trying and every time they see you they ask "so how is the baby making going?" at which point as much as I want to scream at them and tell them to just p*ss off for being so inconsiderate to ask because obviously I would have told them if I was. I have to take a VERY deep breath and politely say "it's ok". 

Jengles - yes I really think only people going through it can really understand. I feel so much for talking on these forums. My DH and I have been told "unexplained infertility" so have no idea what's going. Rather frustrating and I just feel like I'm losing hope more and more each day and you?


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## Jengles

HM2016 oh unexplained infertility must be so difficult. Sorry to hear that. What did the docs suggest as a next course of action? Are you doing a fertility diet or anything?

We both have issues (low morphology and low FSH and pcos for me) which is hard to go through at least we can't play the blame game about it but means there's more obstacles to overcome. 

I feel in limbo as someone mentioned on one of the other chats, as my friends with children are desperate to go out and always think I  am so lucky but meanwhile I'm trying not to drink and et healthily and save money (we are also in the middle of buying our first home) so I'm the most boring person to hang out with. 

At work today everyone went to the pub while I went for a run, I'm generally on a health kick of some kind but does make me as when everyone is going for a wine in the sun. 

I went over to a friend's tonight and helped her feed/bath/storytime with her two. I nearly told her about it all but just didn't seem like the right time. 

I think she knows something is going on probably doesn't want to bring it up either.


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## HM2016

Jengles - yeah it's tough because none of our tests have come back with anything. The Dr hasn't said much at all. She says it's just really hard to tell and that it's not an exact science. I'm trying to keep some hope though. We are just starting out first round of IUI so we shall see what happens. I feel quite lost. Also trying to be healthy, not drinking etc but then not sure how much that actually helps. I would say if there was a way to control stress levels that would be better but that's tough. I feel like all I see around me at the moment are pregnant friends and photos of babies. It's hard to switch off. 

Sometimes I would like to tell friends about it but I just know that I won't get the helpful response I want and it's hard for them too because they don't understand or know what to say apart from giving you stories about a friend's cousins aunt who etc etc etc....you know how the stories go! Good luck!


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## Jengles

Hm2016 have you tried any massage or Reflexology or anything? That should help your stress levels. I'm finding Reflexology great and I'm a reiki healer so I do that on myself quite a lot. Good luck with your iui. When does it start?


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## HM2016

Jengles - thanks, I have tried reflexology (just three sessions) and somehow I just didn't really like it/connect with it. Mind you that could be to do with the practitioner. I do yoga, dance and cycling to help relieve some stress. But I just wish there was a moment I could really just switch off thinking about it. I'm trying to use some
Mindful techniques to help too. 

I have started the injections, this is my first month, have scan next week to see how things are going. I'm nervous and trying my best not to get my hopes up!


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## Jengles

Hey HM oh good luck with the injections I'm not looking forward to that bit at all. If you don't connect with Reflexology then yeah probably not worth it, I've found it really relaxing so going to keep going with it, got another apt tomorrow. Even the hubby has liked it too. Yoga is just great isn't it? I really need to motivate myself to do it, I always feel better when I have. I've started using relaxation YouTube videos for mediation which are good. 
Good luck with the scan and keep in touch x


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## lupinsandlavendar

Hi eksf,

I'm in a similar position myself. The amount of times I've been asked by colleagues; 'do you want children then'? and 'ooo you're turn next' and 'ohhh don't you feel broody'? 

Innocent enough questions in one respect, but......when there's already a baby boom at work that you're avoiding thinking about!!

The crux of it is, for me, I haven't shared my fertility problems with work colleagues. Do I want to? I'm undecided. 

...so, my standard reaction is to turn it into a joke & make out i don't have the time/inclination to have 'mini mes' 'good god know, could you imagine'? I've got so good, I'm possibly starting to believe it myself!

But it hurts. A lot. 

And yes, i could be honest and explain. But it's painful for even me to say it out loud let alone admit it to WORK colleagues. 

Family is a WHOLE different ball game..........between my partner and I,  we have complex family problems. Including one pyschotic and narcissistic sister in law who has drained the family's emotional resources and of course ALL of the focus has been on that. So it feels like other people with problems barely get a look in.

Bitter, much?

Horrible mood changes. Intolerance. Anger. Sadness. Feeling useless. Exhausted. 

I'm relieved it's friday 👍👌👊.

Take care x


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## Jengles

@lupinsand lavender oh yes I know exactly those conversations, I think after 2 years of saying it they realise "you're next" isn't probably going to be the case for me. 

Now there's  some awkward silences as everyone else who got married around the same time as me falls pregnant. 

At the moment there are 3 pregnant girls at work so yes there is more than a bit of baby talk. 

Difficult because although they are lovely people who you spend more time with than before some of your best friends and your partner once you have crossed that line and told them anything about it you can't cross back. 

Don't worry we all have these bitter feelings from time to time. 

Hooray for the weekend 

Big hugs 

Jengles


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