# Am I being selfish??



## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Hi

I have just introduced myself over on bumps and babies thread but thought I would briefly do it again, I am 32 and DP is 47, we have 2 LOs DD 2yrs 3 mths and DS 10 mths. Both conceived via non Med DIUI at a local clinic.

DD took 4 months to concieve and after DD we reserved 5 vials of the same donor. Then DS took 2 attempts. (We have been very lucky!) This means that we have 3 vials remaining. And yes I would like to try for #3. However the problem is that DP is not so keen, in fact if it was just down to her we would just enjoy what we have been blessed with.

Though the problem is I just don't feel like I am "done", if that makes any sense. When we first discussed having a family (about 12 years ago) we decided that, if possible, DP would have 1 and then I would have 2. So we would have a family of 3. Unfortunately, DP was unable to concieve naturally and went on the donor egg wheel, there were very few donor eggs back then, so never made it to the top.

I would still like to try for that number 3. I am one of 3 and loved having 2 siblings, however DP has a youngerb rother so the set up we have now she is very used to. She is getting very tired with the 2 LOs (partly due to her age, though I am not as old as she is). We would not necessarily need a bigger car, we could probably squeeze in 3 car seats and the house we have could manage 3 children as well as it would manage 2.

DP has said she would never stop me trying again, even though when we have had a bad night with DS the first words out of her mouth are "and you want another!!".

Also, because DD and DS were concieved using the same donor I wOuld not introduce another donor now, I would basically have 3 tries using the reserved vials and then that would be that. It would happen or not. What would you do?

If, I decided to go ahead, my next decision would be to start either in June (so trying June, July, Aug) and the babies would be born Feb - June next year. This would make DD 3 1/2 and DS 2 when baby was born and only 2 school years between DS and baby. Or I wait until Jan 2012 (trying Jan, Feb, Mar) and baby would be due Oct, Nov, Dec when DD would be 4 and DS 2 1/2. This would mean that DD would be in full time nursery and DS part time nursery (fully funded) and I would have less children at home to entertain. However there would be 3 school years between DS and baby (only 1 between DD and DS). 

I also need to consider that I am still BF DS and the clinic have advised stopping at least 3 months prior to TTC again, which would mean stopping BF in April to start TTC in June! NOt sure how DS will feel?!

If I waited, I would also  have longer in work to save money to have time off with the baby so as not to worry too much about finances. But that is DP other worry, how we will afford to raise 3??

So, what would you do?? 

I am really broody again, my heart wants to try again in June, my head says wait until January and then I have DP saying she really is not sure about TTC again. If I could afford it I would have a football team and be a SAHM but that is not reality!


Sorry for rambling.


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## katenreb (Oct 3, 2010)

When it comes to money comes to money I would say I have four and we are both on very low income ( nursery nurses nearly min wage) but we find away to give the kids what they need becasue they our children and they come first! but then we both love kids, we are looking for a donor to help us have another. the rest I am sorry to say is only you two can sort out. its what right for your family and none else can tell you what that is, but I dont think your been selfish, you would only be that if you didnt care what oh said!


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Hi 2mummies, 

I asked you about TTC no.3 on the bumps and babes thread, and then saw this post! 

Firstly I dont think you are being selfish for wanting TTC #3. I think Katenreb is right though regardless of the advice others may give you (including me) the only two people who can make the right decision about whether you go down this path or not is you and DP. 

If I placed myself in your shoes, (which hopefully we may be in as we have 5 vials of sibling sperm left that we hope to use with DP in the future) of having 3 vials yet I would feel sad about not using them. And based on the information you have given I think I would decide to wait until Jan 2012 to start treatment again, as this will allow you to continue BF your DS longer, give you change to save money, the baby will be born when your other 2 LO's are in education/child care so it may be easier to care for no.3, and it also gives you and DP longer to make sure it is the right decision and you are both happy to TTC again. 

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best,
S x


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## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Thank you both. 

I think that is how I see it that it would be sad not to give it a chance having the vials set aside. I also think my head should take over my heart and we should wait. It really does make sense. Why is all this so hard - whatever your situation.

Katenreb I hope you find the donor that is right for you to extend your family.


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

2mummies-I agree with the others, i Totally understand you wanting to ttc no. 3 and I don't think you are selfish at all. However, the responsibility of the decision needs to be with both of you. It sounds like DP is supportive of your idea, hopefully more talking will help you come to a decision that you are both happy with. As for when-I know just what you mean, I want to start again in June too but realistically can't see me (well DS really!!  ) giving up BFing that soon. Also, for me-sleepless nights with a toddler and a baby worry me, me and DW are only just coping with it as it is now. But everyone's situation is different. You gave more reasons to wait until Jan than to start in June (BFing, childcare situation, saving up) but I know how strong that sense of broodiness feels. Isaac will have a better chance of sleeping better at night if you wait a bit longer though. I think if ttc no. 3 is what you both happily agree to, then I would be tempted to wait until Jan if it was me. Hope this helps,
Becs x


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

DP and I have this constant 'head over heart' battle at the moment as we are also both very broody for #3 and I am desperate to carry again (initially I found it very hard to come to terms with DP carrying #2). 
Our heads say wait for at least another year as we have found our 2 year and 9 month gap has been great. We are also very lucky to have two 12 hour sleepers so there's no issue there to put us off  . We are also moving to Northern Ireland this year (renting for a year first) and our sensible heads realise that it would make so much more sense for us to be settled in our new home before bringing #3 into the world. 
Our hearts say Sod It  . Any baby at any time is wonderful and we are so strong together and can cope with 3 under 5. I am also going to be 36 this year and our donor's sperm has to be destroyed in 2014!
We have 3 frosties left and are now planning 4 as (I knew this would happen  ), DP wants to carry again now that she has experienced it all. We have both discussed that we may have 3 children and then be in a situation where we don't actually want 4 and have 3 frosties to lose, or I don't want a 4th, but DP still has that strong desire to go through pregnancy and birth again. I think what you are going through is not unique to lesbian couples at all. Our best friends were in a situation where HE wanted more but she had had terrible pregnancies and labours and just didn't want to go through it all again. It is so important that you both agree on this as it is the sort of situation that can build resentment, either way. It's one of those awful things that you just cannot compromise on - you either have another child or you don't  .
I agree with katenreb in that we would never let money get in the way of TTC. We are both part time nurses and have remortgaged, used credit cards and borrowed from parents to make our babies. There isn't a penny left at the end of the month but we just have lovely quality time together which costs nothing  .
I hope you soon sort this out. Having babies creates such intense emotions in us. I feel for you


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## D&amp;P (Jun 29, 2009)

I think the others are right in saying, it's what's right for the both of you.  It does sound as though you have plenty of time to discuss what you do even for the June start.  I'm wondering if you should also bare in mind your partner's age particularly, as I thought it was revealing, you said, she gets very tired with the 2 LOs.  Could this possibly be an underlying factor in her not seeming so keen?  Could she possibly be feeling her limitations as your family has expanded?  It's just a thought (as I'm just slightly younger than your OH and feel time has almost run out for us having a family) and may be worth discussing if it is something she is concerned about (and if you do decide to try for a third then whether this would favour doing this sooner rather than later).    Good luck whatever you both decide.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Stuart I just saw you news about your match falling though on your ticker- I'm so sorry and I really hope someone comes along soon. L x


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

it's a tricky one. both of us are from 3+ families so we always wanted more than 2 and it was very difficult to make the decision not to keep going for #3. we still occasionally have a 'what might have been' conversation. DP was far keener than i to continue and i think she'd agree tomorrow to trying again (we still have about 11 vials left that we couldn't make the decision on destroying) but as much as i always wanted a bigger family i'm not sure that even a 3rd would satisfy. what do you do when you have 3 children and get broody, or 4 children or 5. do we plan our family around the size of our car? it seems a bit arbitrary to me. anyway that's been my thought process. i think it's very important that you are BOTH behind it and BOTH want it. having a small child that one of you didn't really want in the first place can put a lot of strain on a relationship and with having 2 children to consider as well there's a lot to think about, a lot riding on it. i personally i don't think anyone is being selfish or otherwise if they want or don't want children. it's all very personal (and there really is a lot more to it than just fitting in a house or a car). i'm not sure i agree completely with the sod-the-money thing. i don't think it's unreasonable to go all out for #1 and for a sibling, credit cards remortgage whatever, but for #3 it felt like it was 'family' money and the kids' future i was messing with but everyone has their own ideas about this.

also as someone who tried for 3 and ended up with 2 i have to say that it has got easier as time has gone by. i didn't feel 'done' at the start, my family didn't feel 'complete' at all, especially as i never thought it would be my last time round with #2. but it has felt more and more right as months and years have gone by and now it just feels like my family and i can't imagine it differently. that and the fact that there are pros and cons to every size of family and as you go along you start to see more and more of the pros to the family you've got...

anyway that's a slightly different perspective i guess. i think it helps if you have an end in sight, like your 3 tries then out. we had 2 frosties after #2 and that was ours.

good luck whatever you decide


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## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Thanks again for all your replies. We went out for lunch on Sunday (and had a lovely time   ) and we chatted again about trying for number 3 and I think we are going to go for it. DP even suggested trying this summer rather than next winter but I was the one that persuaded her that it was probably wise that we wait. There are so many reasons telling us to wait and few to satrt sooner (children closer in age and us both not getting any younger). So unless DS self weans very soon - which I very much doubt as he is very much a mummy's boy and loves his mummy's milk then we will wait until next winter. I am getting excited just thinking that we will be trying again.

I am realistic that it very well may not work as we have such limited attempts but thinking we are going to give it a shot really makes me feel better.

I do understand what you are saying Rosypie and I do have to be sensible concerning finances as I have to go back to work as I have to pay the mortgage/bills etc, I have to keep the roof over my family's head. It is not always about the material things but we have to have somewhere to live and I have to pay the bills and as such I have to be able to afford childcare so I can go to work. 

Also I know that March 2012 we will be a family of four or planning to become a family of five. I will then stop thinking about ttc, it does not mean that I will not get a twinge of something when I hold a new baby or see a pregnant woman, but I will know how we will be moving forward.

Thanks again


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

i still get a twinge, i still get broody. i'm not sure if it's just nostalgia these days though . you can't escape those damn finances. we wanted for me to continue as a sahm so that meant no borrowing for us. the next person might have gone ahead anyway, dealt with the consequences, gone back to work etc and think us crazy. i'm glad you've got a plan now, much easier to progress when you know where you are and what you're doing. the other thing i was going to say and forgot to before (and it's my only regret) is that i weaned #2 at 8mth so we could crack on with our frostie cycle. i suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter now but at the time it was difficult, it felt against my natural instinct and with hindsight i wish we'd waited.


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## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Yes, I understand not wanting to wean. I have given DS a Dreamfeed every night since he was born, until last night and I did not plan to stop I just thought I would give it a go. It did not change how long he slept (still woke at 5am!) but I missed going in to say good night to him! So I am going to let him self wean, as much as I can going back to work. I will feed him when I am around. But like you say they are fine whatever. DD refused to BF and she is a healthy happy girl.

Yes, I wish I could be a SAHM, but our finances will not permit. DP could be a SAHM (I earn the better salary, unfortunately), but she has realised since having the children that she does not want to stay at home with them, she gets far too much out of work. i wish the roles were reversed but such is life. 

Will you return to work part time when the boys start school?


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

that's the plan. firstborn is already full time, secondborn just turned 3 so will be part-time funded from easter. i've got some voluntary things lined up for then and then plan to retrain when he goes to school proper. unless something comes up in the meantime of course. we're very lucky that we can live on dp's salary although we had to relocate from london to a crappy northern town to achieve it...


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