# is it thought badly upon to stipulate sex of child ?



## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

Hi we are about to enter stage 2 of the process  after 14 years of TTC 4 failed ICSI IVF's and 6 failed IUI's. Me and DH have always wanted a little girl and after working in the children's sector for over 15 years have always bonded with girls better than boys, now that isn't to say i don't bond with boys, but my heart has always pulled me to a girl if this makes sense. We have said right from applying to our agency that we would prefer a girl but would see what happens. The sw's have always said to keep and open mind till we are matched and see. 
What is everyones opinions, as we are feeling very confused at what to do


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi Tink


From a personal point of view, yes. I always wanted a son as I am not a girlie girl. Give me a paint gun and combats and I am happy   . We told our sw that we would prefer a boy but was open for a girl if the right match was found. After the match with our son I was told by our sw that even two of our referees had said that I was suited more to a boy than girl which showed I was being true to myself.  My hubby didn't mind, but I am so glad I told our sw my preference.
Go with your gut feeling    Good luck xx


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi Macgyver thanks thats what i've been thinking. DH has said that he thinks he would be disappointed if we got a boy as he already has a little girl from a previous relationship but doesn't really see much of her because of his ex partner. He says he feels he missed out on so much of her life. But then we feel guilty as some might say it shouldn't matter boy/girl as long as we get a child.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I think you may need to consider how you phrase this. By all means you can be honest that you always imagined yourself with a girl but most SWs won't allow you to stipulate that on matching criteria unless very specific reasons normally things like opposite sex of your BC to reduce jealousy. At the end of the day we couldn't/wouldn't chose if pregnant naturally so hence let your preference be known but as that a preference.

Just my thoughts based on experiences of myself and others that have Los now. Ps my refs said they always saw me with a girl as did my SW but I couldn't be prouder of my boy.
X


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi dreams

Personally I don't think it's a bad thing to stipulate a preference for a sex. I know many people who will argue that if you had conceived naturally you wouldn't be able to choose so you shouldn't choose when it comes to adoption. However, adoption is a very different way to have a family and the process of bonding with and forming good attachments with children that are not biologically ours can sometimes be a challenge, particularly if the child/children are older when placed. 

For us it's important that we have as many similarities to our future LO(s) as possible and like Macgyver I just don't do girlie stuff! I was a real tomboy growing up and I have a big preference for lego, cars, playing football and rough and tumble play Vs nail painting, dolls and makeup! Like you I also find I relate better to boys, and out of my god children and friends kids I get along so much better with the boys and have deeper bonds with the boys than I do the girls. Clearly you can get boys who like doing some 'girlie' activities/hobbies and vice versa but in general the likely interests, hobbies and type of play that boys like is more suited to us as a couple. 

We have therefore stipulated a strong preference for a boy(s) and our SW doesn't have an issue with this. He has told us that we will more than likely be asked about it at panel and so long as I am prepared to be honest and tell them why we have a preference he doesn't see it being an issue. 

When the LO(s) are placed initially having common ground so to say can make a big difference in the 'claiming' stages of building bonds and attachments. If your LO is considering his/her new parents and doesn't really see that they look like you, it can make a difference that at least they like cars, like Daddy does, or Lego and football like Mummy does!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think it's quite agency specific some will not be bothered others will be happy with it 2 couples off our prep course stipulated gender. However I would say don't rule a gender out completely till you see some profiles I think once you are approached with profiles and it's real children not hypothetical / old profiles for discussion exercise you can be quite surprised what you are and aren't drawn to.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

We specifically said to our SW we wanted a boy but our CPR didn't specify and just said a child up to 2 years of age. She asked us to tell her honestly our top end age group, even though 2 was going in the CPR, and we said 18 months. She wanted us to have as young as possible.

We 100% wanted a boy. If you've read any of my posts though you'll see we ended up with a girl! Big surprise! But she's perfect for us and just goes to show how little we knew! The icing on the cake was that we also now have a little boy in the shape of her full sibling aged 6 months.

I don't think sex preference is a no-no at all, I'd be up front about it to be honest, we were and it didn't do any harm, our SW just told us to keep our options open. Four months after approval age showed us our daughter's profile and that was that   Love at first sight and I 'knew' she was for us, so some hasty redecorating of the 'boyish nursery' was called for!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

We specified that we wanted two children, at least one a girl, and that the older child was a girl.  I would have been happy with two girls, or a girl and a boy, but not two boys.  I also said if we only had one child placed, we would definitely want a girl.  Hubby wanted a son, but said he would be OK with having a girl placed, as we did, and not knowing what the gender of the next (unborn) child would be, and if that ended up being a girl so be it.

I was asked my reasons, but that was accepted as absolutely fine by our SW.

Most couples in our prep group had a preference.  In general, more people want girls than boys, I think there is a perception that there may be less behaviour issues with girls than boys, so maybe if you say you want a girl they will say "keep an open mind" to encourage you to think about boys.  I don't think it's odd or that there's anything wrong with it.  So many of our choices to do with our children are taken away, I can see nothing wrong with exercising whatever choice that remains available.  It's a completely different process to having a biological child, and nothing like selecting the gender of a child through IVF or by terminating unwanted pregnancies of the "wrong" gender, which is a comparison I had made to me by someone once.  These children are already out there and if you choose to narrow your pool of potential matches that is your choice and yours only.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We went into it having no preference of gender, and thinking we'd have an older child, maybe school age.  Halfway through, our SW revealed that she and all our referees all thought we should have a younger child (we were matched to a two year old) and that we had a subconscious preference for a boy. She was completely right!  Our approval was for a child of pre-school age, and we looked for a link with a boy.  I don't think you need to stipulate, unless you're not going to be involved in matching, and you SW is going to do the choosing for you.  But it is perfectly okay to have a preference.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I think you are making a bit of a mistake if you want a girl because you want to do girly stuff, or a boy because you are more of a tomboy.  You may end up being very disappointed and it may come across that you are projecting your wishes for how a child will be onto a child that will come with their own personality (even if they are a baby). Not all girls are frilly and love pink and not all boys love rough and tumble and I also happen to think you are doing the child a big disservice if you go into the process assuming your child will be like that.

I do agree that for some families things like existing older boys finding it hard to deal with young boys, or the loss (as someone whose post I read) of twin boys, would make it hard for a family to cope with one gender. But if it's a preference or a feeling that you'd parent a child of one gender or the other better - I do genuinely believe you will be doing that child a disservice if you go into parenting them assuming they will conform to gender stereotypes. What will you do if they don't? Will you grieve the child you wanted and make them feel substandard?

I know this sounds harsh but I do feel this about some people with birth children as well, actually.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

That's a good point, TheSpouses.  Interesting.  I've run back in my mind and thought about all the things we did with Bug, and I *Think* I would have done the same with a girl.  Certainly we'd have done the same amount of running around outdoors and jumping in muddy puddles and rolling down grassy banks and long walks.  We've done dress-up and messed around with my make up brushes (no make-up - sensitive skin).  We've brushed each other's hair, and played with dolls, and played babies and baked cakes.

I've never been a girly-girl myself, and I think I'm a bit intimidated by hair styling, and pink princessing....  but I guess if we'd have had a girl I'd have sucked it up and dealt with it!  

Good thoughts.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Spouses makes interesting and important point I also have seen many BP's devastated when the girly girl they wanted refuses to wear pink dresses and loves playing cars not dolls. However the one thing I think a gender can give you is the fact they are that gender. 

Both couples on our prep course who specified it was reasons I understand basically their family has lots of Grandchildren of one gender and they want to bring the other so it feels more special. IF often robs people of the first Grandchild and a lot of extra special experience so if a gender preference can bring a first back to you I get that. It's not that the child would be loved any more or less it's just the level of fuss and focus they are likely to get. Our LO's will have 5 cousins (thus far) all boys so I know that girls however they arrive whether it's from me or DH or one of my siblings are likely to be showered with fuss and things because people would be excited by the novelty of buying for girls.  

These reasons may sound shallow or trivial to some but I totally get it and don't think they are. Also like Wyxie I feel that we loose so much control so if you can get some back / make choices for an ideal as possible scenario then go for it.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

If your girl desperately wanted to do princess dressing up you could always suggest she did it at nursery...


I would also be very wary of grandparents who assume that a granddaughter will give them the opportunity to buy lots of frilly dresses, to be perfectly honest. That also sounds a lot like conditional love.  Our little boy is the first grandson but this has meant he has my dad's name - they would have loved to have another granddaughter, it is really the name that makes him special as a boy, not the fact that he's a boy.


I would really really prefer that people don't buy him "boy" things - yes he likes cars and diggers but he also likes mermaids, my makeup brushes, his dollies, and is obsessed with animals - nobody has bought him anything to do with mermaids, my mum bless her did make him a dolly, and I'm the only person who buys him pink clothes (though I have now bought hubby a matching pink dress shirt!). I feel sad that all these people are limiting my son.


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

My 2-year-old AS is sitting here at the moment wearing sparkly nail varnish - and he also loves his pram, dolls and always insists on the pink bib.  I don't think there is as much difference between boys and girls as people like to think - and most of it is due to the expectations we put on them.  

However, I think it is common to have a preference - and many birth parents I know have had a preference.  However, I would advise keeping an open mind during the matching process.  My dream child would probably have been a girl that would grow up to be just like Anne of Green Gables - instead I've adopted a little boy who couldn't be more lovely.  Your adopted child is unlikely to ever match up to the ideal, but that doesn't mean you will love them less.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I think that's the main issue - for some people that have a preference and that is based on what they imagine "their" child will be like. In adoption I think SWs rightly get concerned when there's its more than a preference to it. Keeping an open mind is definitely the key.

I do also think the place in the family can be an important reason ie if you are particularly close to a nephew then adopting a girl may help diffuse any jealousy and stop comparisons too much. And also agree with Diva that some of us have been "robbed" of our child's special place as first or whatever. Funnily enough my lil guy arrived in the sane year as another "boy relation" and actually it's my little guy that's the fave one and special etc. I think because he came after a long wait and he's über über cute ;-) that everyone has just taken to him more. The other relative is younger and coo'd over but only for a little while and people have went at pains to make sure he's coo'd over as equally when they are together. However when we were linked with our boy I did suggest it was a good thing for the male GPs as all older girls elsewhere in family and I think it helped them all bond with lil man as he is very into cars and balls. The Grandmothers would have bonded no matter what gender in our family.

I agree a lot with the spouses and the GPs were taken back slightly when I suggested little man is getting a kitchen. He's very much a boys boy and cars he's obsessive about but he plays with the kitchen equally when at home and loves cuddling his teddies (and getting in to my make up brushes if I turn my back) and I think that's healthy rather than having too many preconceptions as to how they will be.

As ever I love these boards for their healthy discussion and viewpoints.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Boys love kitchens!  At mother and todder, it's always the boys crowding round the kitchen, equal girls and boys on the prams and dollies, and equal girls and boys on the trains and cars!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My daughter isn't a girly-girl at all....she's such a pretty little thing and she rough and tumbles a lot and I LOVE that about her. Delicate she is not     Whilst she got one 'girly' present for Christmas (which I actually won in a competition) the rest were unisex or 'boys toys' cars etc as that is what she gravitates towards. If my son likes dollies, he shall have dollies. I hate toy stereotyping that doesn't allow boys to play with dolls as to me, this shows their nurturing side. My friend's little boy came round the other day and instantly hugged my daughter's dolly so I got him out the pram etc.  I've always liked both boys and girls toys myself so don't see why most kids are any different, but I was raised with brothers so that may be why I love dinosaurs and cars, who knows! 

I still don't think it's wrong to have a gender preference though; I wasn't thinking footballs or avoiding pink dresses at all when we said we wanted a boy ... I have no idea why we both wanted a boy, we just did. And to have one of each.....well we're blessed beyond words! They're both fantastic fun!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Well said!


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Boys definitely love kitchen, I've just been made a most fine imaginary cup of hot tea and a bacon sandwich  - my husband also does most of the cooking in our house and AS keeps saying "I'm cooking like Daddy"


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I have to be honest and say that I am a little defensive about our reasons for wanting a girl, it certainly didn't have anything to do with wanting a princess, or any sort of expectation of something specific in return. In general I think going into parenting with expectations of what they will do or achieve is a terrible thing to inflict on any child. I have hopes for both of my children, but there is certainly no bar to which they are required to meet. I think when you're looking at starting parenting a child who won't be new born there are a lot of considerations and choices that start to enter into the equation which wouldn't if it was a biological child. I just felt that I would relate better to a girl who came as a toddler, than to a boy, although I can't entirely say why. I felt like I would do better with a girl. I was quite clear that if we had a boy, it would need to be a baby. Just because I wanted a girl, it doesn't mean I have any gender stereotypes. Both my kids play with dolls, both of them like dressing up, both of them play with cars, dinosaurs, blocks, and both of them like to scrawm around in mud, although Wyxling does tend to like to do it wearing a dress, but it all washes so I don't really mind. I like that Wyxling's a tomboy, I like that she can climb better than most boys her age, let alone the girls, and that she's sturdy and strong, but if she'd been a girly girl, and maybe she will be when she grows up a little and peer pressure starts to enter into the equation, then I'll attempt to summon up some interest for hair and make-up and handbags, and that's fine.

My family tend to gender stereotype a lot, though. When Wyxling was placed everything we got given was pink, I have no idea what they were thinking because they must know that isn't me. Of course now we have a boy and he just uses all Wyxling's old stuff anyway, although I am glad people have started being a little more practical now about colours for things that he is likely to inherit. Hubby just tells Bladelet that pink is manly. My Mum really balked at what I wanted for Bladelet for Christmas though, because the best one I could find by a country mile was pink, and she didn't think he'd want it. He's 17 months old, he doesn't git a rat's a$$ what colour his teapot is, it sings, gurgles, and tells him when to fill it up again, and has a mirror inside. By the time he's old enough to care, he will probably not want to play with a toy tea set. A couple of my friends have suggested that I let him run around with Wyxling's dollies/take out her handbag etc if I want to because I just wanted another girl, which is ludicrous.

Reminds me of something I saw the other day...


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Sorry if anything I said made you feel you had to defend your choices, Wyxie, not intended at all.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We were open to either. Matching for us meant we met the childs needs and that we felt we could meet the childs needs both immediately and in the long term if there are to any problems that develop. To us gender doesn't come into meeting a childs needs unless there is a specific reason.
Ultimately we were matched with a little boy who was followed by his half brother. We won't adopted again and there is no chance of anymore siblings. It always makes me sad that there are more boys in care especially sibling groups of boys. I struggle to understand why people are reluctant to consider siblings that are all male but each to their own as it is a personal choice.
I've lost count the amount of times I've been asked will we adopt again so we can have a girl or am      
I sad that there is no girl. Quite simply no I'm not. We have 2 happy healthy boys who at the moment are settled, doing amazingly well and I wouldn't change it. 

To the original poster, by all means let your sw know your preferences but many others on here have been hooked by the profile of the opposite gender and wouldn't change a thing.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Well all those long years ago when we adopted.....I'm talking nearly 17 years ago that we met our DS...we were honest and open and told our SW that we wanted a son..................she was very clever and worded our report that we had a slight preference  for a boy....she knew through the home study and getting to know us that we wanted a son...this did not mean that she did not look at girls profiles sent through for us but other factors ruled out the girls and then hey presto she looked at our DS profile and she knew instantly he was the one!

We have no idea why we wanted a son first we just did......I'm being completely honest.................just be the same with your SW....once they get to know you they will know what you want and they will record the information "correctly"

The second time we said we wanted a daughter................again we were open and honest with our SW and said we have had no choices in any thing else regarding the arrival of very loved children and if we could have a choice in this matter then it was always a son and then a daughter that we wanted.

We are very lucky in the fact that we got our wish!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

We had a gender preference for a boy which came from DF wanting to recreate the father son bond he had with his dad growing up. I was very happy with his reasons and this is what we told our social worker. It didn't go into our par but it was understood she would prioritise male profiles. As it turns out we now have a little pink one. And she was meant to be our daughter. I'm so glad we chose to view girls profiles too despite the other halfs complete certainty he would have a son. I think it shows it was meant to be and at the end of the day what is gender compared to the child as an individual. We raised this point at matching panel and they thought it was beautiful


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't so much feel the need to defend my choice, as such, more the need to defend the idea of choosing gender as not being one which is necessarily coming from the "wrong" reasons, or reasons which place an unfair burden on the child.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

My mum desperately wanted a girl first and then a son. We are birth children and she got lucky. But I think often its extremely natural to have a preference. If it doesn't happen it doesn't mean you are disappointed, it's just the way it is. Like someone said adoption takes away so many choices about the way we parent and raise our little ones, it's one of the big choices we do have. I think it's perfectly normal and everyone has their reasons that we should respect


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Wyxie said:


> I don't so much feel the need to defend my choice, as such, more the need to defend the idea of choosing gender as not being one which is necessarily coming from the "wrong" reasons, or reasons which place an unfair burden on the child.


Gotta agree with you here wyxie!


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi everyone 
firstly can i just say i have not stated that i want a girl because i like to do girly stuff. I have said that feel that when working with children in the past i feel i have bonded more with girls than boys.

I have an 8 year old nephew and we are god parents to him and we both love him to bits. We mind him every weekend and have done since he was 8 weeks old.

We are open to the possibility that we may be matched with a boy, however like someone said even in pregnancy you always have a preference of what you would like.

I understand that it's a big topic and everyone will have their own opinions on this matter, we are all different and have different values and opinions.

Which is why i suppose our sw has said to keep an open mind and that we will do.
thanks for everyone replies


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I'm glad you are being open minded and your SW knows your preference.

I would also state that I did not imply that by choosing this implied anything about you as individuals. I commented that I did not think it a great idea to be specific in PAR etc without good reasons as I know some SW/family finders can find this selective and given the amount of responses where people have found different genders than what they thought they might that it's beneficial to be open. The girl/boy thing most people tend to assume is about stereotypes which is maybe why this topic has veered off on a small tangent too.

Whatever people decide it's part of your journey in finding your family and I truly believe fate helps us in ensuring the right children end up in their forever families.

Good luck x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

We have said we want a girl and our sw and her manager are happy to go with this but this is alot to do with our BC. We have a 7yr old bc son and he has always wanted a sister and he is very much a mummys boy, we did try to talk to him about having a brother but he just keeps saying it's going to be a sister.  Sw and us think it will be easier for him and will cause less jealousy if it's a girl so that's what we're going with. 

Michelle xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I was just reading profiles on BMP, and even though I know we've said we'd like a girl if we went again, I still kept finding myself reading all the boy profiles instead.... I'm doomed!

That's it.  Next time we refloor the bathroom, I'm insisting on having a moppable flooring....  with boys, it's all about the pee....


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

At the moment I feel more drawn to boys, i personally dont care what child we get matched with as long as its healthy but i just feel so drawn to boys.

Im the same as you AOC ive also been on BMP and been reading the boys profiles, they are all just so adorable and so cute.


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi thats how i feel when looking on there i'm more drawn to the girls profiles.
We found out today we have the go ahead for stage two so happy


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

We expressed a pref for a girl , and they just asked why and I explained that I was drawn to girls more and didn't seem to have the same bond with a boy ? They were happy with this and it was asked at panel too . We meet our daughter next Friday xxxx


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Oh well done do dreams come true, i bet your dead chuffed, im still waiting but im sure they will tell us next week. 

Smudgey I bet you cant wait to meet her xxxx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

1st time round we were AP for siblings, with no preference, once we started looking at profiles we realised we didn't want all girls, as long as there was 1 boy we were happy, we didn't mind all boys either.

This time we were approved for either with a preference for a girl as we already have a son it was felt that it would be easier for him having sister rather than brother.


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## millie:) (Feb 12, 2013)

Just be honest although were coming to the end of stage 2 of the adoption process we were honest with our social worker and said we feel that we do prefer a boy because there are all girls in our family but really it would be fine with a girl if you found one that was matched with our family x I personally think it is fine to stipulate but keep an open mind to either x well our social worker said the same thing too x


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