# How to respond



## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi everyone
I recently got engaged.  We're both delighted!  I found it very difficult to tell my boyfriend that I am unable to have children.  I imagined he'd run out the door!  But thankfully he didn't.  We are very happy together.  I think my fiance would make a fantastic Dad but he had pretty much decided before we met that he didn't want children.  Given the choice I would love to have a baby.  But due to a congenital condition it wasn't meant to be. 
Since we have been going out we've had numerous comments about having children, and people asking what age I am (34yrs) ie get on with it!!  I realise people want us to be happy and they have our best interests at heart.  When strangers ask about us having children I find it fairly easy to fob them off.  I find it extremely difficult with friends, work colleagues and relatives.  What to say!!??
My fiance is of the opinion that we just tell people that we can't have children.  He wants us to be honest with his immediate family and tell them that I can't have children.  M-in-L to-be is very keen for Grandchildren.  I guess I'm a little anxious that this will make them view me differently.  Sounds silly, I know.
I'm really not sure what to do.  Most of my friends have children.  I don't want them to feel awkward/change their conversations when I'm around....even though some of their comments can be difficult - you have a great time/are you going on hols again!?
I'd really appreciate your thoughts
xo


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Sunset,

Congratulations on your engagement 

Honesty works both ways, if your fiance wants to be "honest" to his immediate family, then he should also tell them he doesn't want children, (and that he had made that decision BEFORE he met you) not place the reason for not having children soley at your door, that's not right, as his mother wants grandchildren i'm sure he doesn't want to disappoint her, but if they think it's because you can't have children that he's not able to have them, and he wanted them, they may view you differently, and you have enough upset to deal with without starting off married life with that hanging over you 

If he wants honesty then you should explain this to him and say that he is making you the scapegoat, the best thing is for him to explain he didn't want children even before he met you and you are both accepting of this so that his parents see you as a united front on this.  He can explain he hadn't told them before because they would be disappointed.  But as you are getting married the subject was bound to come up and he wanted to let them know sooner than later.

I don't mean to sound mean, but this is not fair on you  

Good luck and I hope he can understand what he is doing is unwittingly making you the reason 

Hugs to you

Wendy K


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Sunset,

Congratulations on your engagement    

I think it depends on who is asking as to how much I would tell them - if its family and close friends then yes id be open and honest (on both sides as wendy says   ) as if you dont add the latter - they will be offering advice on tx and adoption etc.  But to colleagues - ive met many people who just say its not on their radar and after someone asking once they dont tend to ask again    If they are persistant though a firm - "not on the agenda next question please" tends to give the hint not to ask any more.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Minni (Dec 11, 2007)

Hi Sunset

Congratulations!  

I'd agree with the others that honesty is the best policy with family.  We didn't tell our families for a long time about our problems conceiving and found the ongoing winks and nudges about when they would become grandparents stressful.  Once it was out in the open it felt like a weight had been lifted and both families have been very supportive.  I never really thought about DH's family viewing me differently (the IF is down to me) but they have never been anything but supportive.

For less close friends and colleagues I've also now adopted the honest approach and feel much better for it.  (Didn't for years but now we're at the end of the road I'm determined not to be viewed incorrectly eg selfish, career woman only, want to spend our money on holidays etc) It's just one of those things life has dealt us and I won't be made to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it.

So now when anyone asks I usually answer 'we would have loved family but sadly that's not to be for us'.  No more than that, don't go into the detail (usually they then don't ask!) Initially I thought it would create horrible awkward silences or be a real converstion stopper but actually it hasn't been.  Usually I just get something like 'that's a shame' or occasionally 'it's hard isn't it, my friend / sister/ neighour is in the same boat and been through a lot... ' and then you can decide if you want to say anything further (usually I don't!)  

Good luck with whatever you decide
Minni x


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Sunset

Congratulations on your engagement   I agree with the other comments, particularly about your partner explaining he didn't want children before you met him. I recently discussed the issue of whether to tell people with my counsellor and she made a good point - it's your business and don't feel obliged to tell people. Lots of people don't have children. 

I think because infertility is so huge to us we feel we need to explain it or justify our actions but you could have easily decided not to have children the same as your partner, rather than the choice being taken away from you, who's to know?! 

Think of your own self preservation, do you want his mum telling her friends etc? Food for thought   
I've decided not to broadcast my situation for now and I'll tell people as and when. But don't feel you HAVE to explain yourself just because you MIL wants grand children....thats her issue, not yours, and its your life not hers!

Luv
Florie xx


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi everyone
Many thanks for your messages.  They've certainly given me a lot to think about.  I'm really not sure what to think!
I realise that my fiance would like us to tell his family, to reduce the number of questions we get about having children.  He has already told his family that he doesn't want children (not when I've been there) but they all think I'll change his mind.  It's impossible to know, but if I could have children we probably would.....who knows!
This is something we will have to talk about and make a decision about.  It is so private to me, and very few of my friends know.  I'm naturally a very private person.  
On the positive side - we're very happy and getting into the swing of wedding plans!!
Thanks for your advice
xoxo


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Sunset

If your partner has told his family why do you have to explain yourself? Just say 'we don't plan to have children' as they would already know his feelings on the subject. That way you don't have to put yourself 'out there' for scrutiny!

Glad the wedding plans are going well  

Florie xx


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