# How can it hurt this much?



## dhikki

Feeling so devestated, i never thought it would hurt so much. I feel like it has finally broken me........ 

After so much soul searching and different options none of them good for us we decided, to post the worst form of my life to st barts on saturday. I was ok, went to the stables cried a bit on my ride but got myself together. On the way home we had both agreed to post the form, we did. Put it in the letter box and drove home, once at home i totally lost it. I cried like i have never cried before..........   

My heart totally broke and i feel so bad. I feel like all of my hope is lost. My 5 souls on ice were the closest i have ever been to becoming a mum, and they are gone. One day this week they will be thrown out with the rubbish  

They are a part of me and my DH, they could have been boy's or girls. They were the start of my children, and i have lost them all    

I am broken, i don't know how to go on


----------



## Bambam

Oh Dhikki       sending you the biggest hug hon      It must have taken so much strength for you both to post the letter. I know you have been struggling with this decision for so long now and you are so so brave   You will feel completely devastated hon, you are now grieving probably more than you have done so far. It will get better, even though at the moment i'm sure it doesn't feel like it   Don't let the sorrow scare you, let it all out, it's all part of this awful process we go through, be kind to yourself and each other and keep talking to us whenever you need to, you know we are all here for you - ALWAYS     

I just wish i could do something to take this terrible pain away. You can always pm me too hon  

Sending you lots of love and strength
Amanda xx


----------



## nbr1968

Nothing I can say can make that grief any better - don't know how you found the strength to do what you did - and no one should have to make that decision - it is so unfair.

I didn't want to just send you platitudes Dhikki, because I know from my own experience, you probably just want to say "no one understands exactly what you feel!" and scream the place down. The truth is that no one can know how you feel right now - we can all empathise and try and support you, and be there for you if you need to talk, but this is a lonely road that you and DH are going to have to deal with the best you can. Your experience of this nightmare is totally unique to you.

Your little souls on ice will be respectfully cremated and they will always be yours and DH's dreams for what could have been. Could you and DH mark this sad occasion in some way (when you feel able) with some sort of recognition? When people lose children they knew they have a funeral as some sort of recognition they were parents and have suffered a loss. Well we are parents too - just because we did not know our children does not mean we did not love them - we put ourselves through so much to get them as far as they got, maybe we even loved them more? 

Your little souls were loved and cherished from the moment they came into being and the heartbreaking decision you were forced to make was the hardest thing for you and DH. 

Sorry I am rambling, but what I am trying to say is that you will need time to grieve and that this grief may be something that nobody who has not been through it will even be able to comprehend. 

You and I have "spoken" before and you know that I am struggling with my own demons. I have no sage words of wisdom as to how to do this, just know that if you manage to get up, get dressed, go out on your horse, work, etc....or even half  of any of that you are doing well! You are so brave and have always been so kind towards others I hope you are as kind to yourself and get all the support you deserve.

many   Nbr68xx


----------



## poodlelover

So very sorry Dhikki.          

PL x


----------



## dhikki

Nbr,

thats how i feel but didn't want to say it, i feel like i have lost a baby but how can i feel like this i have never been pregnant..........


i do feel like i have lost my baby.............oh my god


----------



## nbr1968

Dhikki, please forget about definitions - as you know I have been pg and have had a mc and also have had embies that did not implant, and they were all my "babies". I just never got to meet them. 

Just because you have never had the opportunity to be pg, you dreamt of being so, you dreamt of your future family, you did everything that anyone who decides to start a family does/feels.  As far as I am concerned not being pg does not diminish the strength of your grief and the depth of your loss. It is real and totally understandable and that's all that matters - I feel so deeply what you are feeling, I cannot express it in words.

You have just been robbed of that family by IF in a way that those who have not had IF have no idea how it feels. This final decision you had to make was the "last straw..." as they say. I had that last straw last month.

Your loss is that which any parent would feel - the pg/not pg label is irrelevant, because as I said before, your experience is so unique to you.

I just wish I could say something encouraging/positive. I hope someone else comes along who is more positive than me. I just didn't want you to feel alone. Keep posting and I will keep replying until you get some better more useful support  Right now I feel like I am not helping you, but you have suffered a great loss and I just wanted to ackowledge and respect that.

Nbr68xxx


----------



## cookies81

I will not even try to pretendwhat your are going throughI have only been through this once and my cycle may get abandoned now, but I just wanted to comment on something when I was going in for ET I asked the embroygest about MY BABIES how they where doing and when they put that one embie inside I looked at the screen with so much love and when I bleed before otd I felt that I had truly lost my baby,I still follow my baby's devolopment in my head, and deep inside I feel likeI always will, what Im tryin to say yes we did lose our babys, even if we necer got pregnant, they are are apart of us and our dp's, 50/50, so you have all the right to grief !   may you find the strength to move on and I hope if I ever need to make such a decision I will be as strong as you   
take care ladies you are all extraordinary!!


----------



## dhikki

thank you ladies.

I spoke to my mum last night in depth, i explained to her how i felt and she just replied "you need to pull yourself together, you have never been pregnant and you cannot compare this to someone who has truly been pregnant and lost there baby. This is a miscarriage not what you are going through" 

It has broken my heart even more, my mother has had two real m/c's in her life and i think i made her feel like i wanted to be classed that way too. 

I have NEVER been pregnant, not even a chemical reading on a pregnancy test. I'm sorry i feel this way but it is how i feel.

NBR- Thank you so much for your heartfelt words, my souls on ice were never even put back into me this time but it has affected me so badly. But i would never mean to make someone like yourself who truly was pregnant and very sadly m/c, feel like i was trying to put myself in your situation, i am sorry to you, and other ladies that have had a true m/c including my mum.  


When will my hurting stop? I want to tell my dh that i feel like i have lost our babies but don't want him to think badly of me like clearly my mum does.........


----------



## dhikki

I don't know where i belong. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be who i am.


I wonder if they have got the letter yet, i wonder if they have taken my souls out of there frozen waiting place, i feel so out of control. I want to call them scrwam at them not to damage them, oh my god what have i done........


----------



## cookies81




----------



## cookies81

sorry if I offended you with my post I just wanted to say I know how it feels, sorry


----------



## dhikki

Cookies, you have not offended me at all thank you for your thoughts x


----------



## cookies81

you will get through this


----------



## nbr1968

Dhikki,   before I go on I just want you to know I am totally supporting you here, and do not think that "you should just pull yourself together" to quote your mother.

I am afraid to say that I am astounded by what your mother said to you. i don't mean to say anything against her, but honestly, it sounded cruelly blunt to me!

I hope that what I wrote before did not make you feel that I was supporting what your mother said - in fact I am saying the opposite. 

That's what i meant when i said "forget about definitions" - I hope I did not offend you because i was trying to support you - trying to say that what you are feeling is totally understandable - I suppose that's the downside of writing instead of talking (lost in translation maybe?).

Anyway, to avoid any doubt, this post is about ME being on YOUR side dhikki! 

This is my penneth-worth - regardless of whether you were able to have these embies transferred back into you, or whether you have been pregnant or not, none of this is the issue. 

You are devastated and so terribly sad and you tried to reach out to your mum for some empathy and understanding - not to be told off for feeling as you do! 

I may be reading this wrong, but is your mother telling you that what you are feeling is not " a big deal" because these embies were not transferred and you did not miscarry as she did (twice)? surely anyone can understand that emotions such as these are more complicated than merely saying "my pain is worse than yours, so get over it!"

Dhikki, for the record, I have no problem at all with you comparing yourself to me - i do not think my pain is worse than yours. I cannot speak for anyone else.

You are clearly feeling so much pain - i truly feel for you - i don't know what i would have done in your position  

We have not experienced the exact same thing but the way you are expressing your feelings, I am worried that you are not getting support you need. Were you offered any counselling at all about the decision you have just had to make? 

I honestly do not think that your DH will think "badly of you" if you tell him how you feel right now. Maybe he feels as you do and you can comfort each other? I often feel that my DH is the only other person who truly understands the level of pain i am feeling.

I also think (for what it's worth) that even though you had an in depth conversation with your Mum, she clearly has not understood the full gravity of the decision you were asked to make? Maybe she did not listen carefully enough? I am not sure. What i said to my in-laws when trying to explain why i am still feeling so bad, is that in my head i had already started planning the future and started to dream etc etc... and that they have a son (my DH) and they therefore do not know the fear of never having a child - they have got to experience the joys (and trials)of having a child without having to have invasive treatments. Since that time they have stopped telling me that having children is not the "be all and end all"

Your mum has you, so even though she sadly had 2 mcs, at the end she has you - so surely she can understand that you are grieving for the joys that she had as a mother?

i don't know what else to say but i really needed to let you know that you are not alone and you will get through this - we will help you get there   

Nbr68xxx


----------



## florie

Oh Dhikki i am so sorry to hear your sad news      you are so truly brave   

I just wanted to say i disagree strongly with your mother.... you have lost a baby, your genetic child. I think people really struggle to understand that infertility is the loss of children, a pain we know only to well. Therefore you have every right in the world to grieve    i am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I think you should confide in your DH, I'm sure he will understand and will want to support you. 

Take good care of yourself  

Sending you lots of love

Florie xx


----------



## Rowan22

Hi Dhikki,

We have normal service for awhile and I saw your post. I am so sorry.  
I wish there was something I could say that might help. You must be raw right now. Do let your husband help, I'm sure he wants to try. I don't think I would have got through any of this without mine!
As for your mum, words fail me. I don't want to offend you but this whole business of 'my pain is worse than yours' really irritates me! Pain is pain, it hurts! And you are mourning the loss of your children. 
Families are...! I've given up trying to explain anything to mine!  
Look after yourself. Is there something you could do that would give you a break from it all for awhile? Something that you really love doing? Sometimes, we need that, I think. We just need to get away from this whole wretched business. 

Rowanx


----------



## Minni

Dhikki

I'm a lurker on this thread but wanted to send my hugs and support for you at this difficult time.  There are no comparisons to be made - what you feel is what you feel. Having gone through a m/c and a failed ivf I found them both similar experiences in terms of loss and grief.  No one can say one thing is worse than another as pain and hurt is personal.  I also have frosties which for totally different reasons to yours will probably one day have to face letting go and I really cannot bring myself to even think about it.  The fact that they are there at the moment and I can do nothing about them really bothers me so I just have to try and not think about it.  

I wish we could help with your despair and truly hope you can find some peace soon.  Huge hugs

Minni x


----------



## dhikki

Hello everyone,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind heartfelt words. You don't know how much you are making me cry but also how much you are helping me. For this i thank you truly i do. 

My mum, is a difficult lady and anyone that knows her will say the same, life is all about her. I love her of course, but she isn't someone i would chose to make a friend of. My goodness how bad does that sound especially given the nature of this website. But it is true. I know she doesn't lisern to me, and in her own way i am sure she does care, but i think she feels that "this has gone on long enough". The reason i spoke to her yesterday is she came to my house and i was in bits, so of course i poured everything out. Hence the conversation and what she said to me. It is very difficult because i know she loves me, and i do her but sometimes she is so very hurtfull. She doesn't understand, i cannot expect her too given the fact that she has three children, me and my two younger brothers. And as she has told me so many times she got pregnant just sitting in my fathers bath water! Her words not mine before it upsets anyone!  

Can i just also clear something up as i am not sure where it came from, maybe something i said, BUT NOBODY on here has OFFENDED ME in ANYWAY. I value truly what you all say to me and although i am a wreck at this time you are all helping me so much.

I am sorry this thread is all about me, but my heart as always goes out to each and everyone on here.

Love to all Donna x


----------



## dhikki

Hi all,

Well i was so desperate last night and couldn't even bring myself to talk to my hubby about it, i suggested he pop on here and read my recent posts which he did. Bless his heart he agreed with everything you and i had all said, he burst into tears   He feels too like we have lost a baby but couldn't bring himself to say this to me. He also said how hard it was when people do not understand. As he said if things had been different and we could have told people of a pregnancy and then a loss people could find that easier to see why we are in so much pain.   and he is right, people need this to understand.

We didn't talk much but he held me, and i held him and we cried together. I am just so pleased we are feeling the same, it makes you feel less alone, somehow.

Nbr- he was drawn to your posts and said that you are an amazing person and to thank you for how you are able to put all of this into words. He also feels that your right about having counselling. This is something we haven't been offered. We simply recieved a letter last year from st barts saying that our souls on ice, had been frozen for nearly 5 years and we needed to decide about what we wanted to do with them. We both signed the form last year but couldn't cope with posting it so we simply didn't. It is still in my hubby's car to this very day. The day after i come home from hospital, another letter dropped on the mat saying that we had to consent to them b the 20 th april. It was a very basic form both parties my husband and i had to sign and print our name, that was it. They haven't even told us how they will allow them t perish. I assume they will just take the test tube out of the deep freeze and throw them into the bin, i hope i am wrong  

I have looked on the internet and found out that some clinics will allow you to go and get them and bury them or something along those lines. I feel it maybe to late, to contact them now. I don't know if we will here from them anymore? Or should i call them?

I have made such a mess of all this, but it hurts so much i just cannot think straight. I am going to suggest my hubby comes on here later and try to put on a post as i feel it may help him like it helps me. 

Thank you again everyone x


----------



## Libran

Donna
I am so sorry, sweetheart.  Please know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time XX 
I think you should tel St Barts and speak to them about the situation ASAP.  You have enough pain to deal with and deserve to know that this is being handled with dignity and respect.  Counselling is definitely always an option to consider X


----------



## nbr1968

dhikki, I am so glad you and DH held each other - and that DH was able to read what you had posted and the replies. Tell DH, no need to thank me - just one human being reaching out to another who is in pain and in need of support. I have been lucky enough to get support from people on FF and so was just paying it forward as they say 

I agree with Libran, contact St. Barts - and please do not worry about them throwing your embies away - they will not. They have to deal with all "products of conception" (forgive me, their words not mine) in a respectful way. I was told at my hospital that they cremate them. I had to sign a form for this with my last mc. I know this is truly upsetting for you and please worry if they have already done this. You did nothing wrong, the best you could given the situation and your emotions. You and Dh had to be very brave and show tremendous courage.

You could still have some sort of "rememberance" for you and DH - or plant a tree or have something engraved on a treasured piece of jewellery you already have - I am thinking of getting this done on my wedding ring - next to the engraving my DH had put in there when we got married - maybe a teddy bear, date or something to remember my son, since I never take my wedding ring off. 

Regarding counselling - you will know when it is right for you and DH - people have suggested this to me and I believe it is a good idea - but it is important to get the right person - I am getting round to this myself too. In the meantime, FF is here for you. And DH.

Finally how you described your Mum rang so many bells for me - except that it is my Dad! Well done for having the courage to try and talk to her and open up to her. You needed to do that for you more than her I am guessing?

I think that sometimes with families it is the same way that advertising works - drip drip feed - you know, how it sort of becomes subliminal in the end? I think it is like that with families - you have to say the same thing several times, then change the way you say the same thing, then sometimes put it in writing, then sometimes "hit" them emotionally, etc...finally it becomes part of their psyche and they "get" what you are saying or trying to say! If you are lucky! I have to keep reminding my Dad that it has only been 7 months since the cremation, because he seems to have "moved on" and tells me to "pray" and it will all work out fine!  

Hoping that today, you cried a little less, felt a little bit better and are still tightly held in your DHs arms at the end of the day!

Nbr68xxx


----------



## espoir09

Dhikki, I think it would do both you and DH the world of good to have some form of ceremony for your ice babies, so you should at least try contacting St Barts.  I also think that they have handled it very badly.

Of course you are grieving, you have lost babies who I'm sure were very real.  You made them expecting them to be put back and to have the chance of implanting and growing into real babies.  I have no doubt that over the last 5 years you have imagined what each one of them would grow up to be, imagined them growing inside you and what that would be like.

I like you have never been even a little bit pg, but every month I imagine that I am, I imagine the cells dividing, the embryo implanting in my womb and growing.  I imagine that I can feel it, even though its impossible so early on.  I imagine the whole pg, giving birth, bringing the LO home, and watching it grow.  I can even smell him or her and I love my LO with every ounce of my being.  I would die for it.

And then every month AF arrives and I grieve because I have lost that baby, even though its unlikely that the egg was ever fertilised.  Hence my signature for the 37 little angels that never were.

My grief is very real, I have been bereaved and so have you.  You have every right to grieve.


----------



## maybe tomorrow

Hello Dhikki,
I have sat in tears reading you post hun - there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I can't let it pass me by neither.

Im sending you heartlfelt hugs and love, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.  

Im so sorry for you sweetheart.... sending you lots of    
Karen
xxxx


----------



## Bellini

Hello

I echo what the other girls have said. I lost my brave little embie at Christmas - didn't even make it to testing day either. My mum also said to me that it was just a "period" and not a m/c and to pull myself together.

The thing is, the fact that your mum is your "mother" means that of course they don't know how we feel... only people walking along the IF path do.

I really hope and pray that in time you and your DH (who sounds amazing BTW) can move forward and enjoy the rest of your lives together.



Love Bellini xxx
_(mummy to one brave little embie - no matter what anyone says)._


----------



## dhikki

Hello everyone,

My hubby had today off of work so we have spent lots of time together, just being us. We haven't talked too mcuh today about our heartache. But my darling husband has suggested that we visit the beach (one of our special places to be) and let five roses drift out to sea, i think this would be a lovely thing to do for us and eachother and of course our dearly missed souls on ice.  

I haven't cried today, outwardly, but my heart is still weeping.   

Bellini - I am so sorry for your precious embie, i know it does not help much but i truly feel your pain keep reading and posting sweetheart there are so many fantastic people on here that say such kind and heartfelt things. My hubby is amazing i truly do not know what i would do with out him all of my love to you  

Karen- Thank you for your post, it helps more than you know to have such wonderful replies to my desperate posts, truly thank you x  

Espoir- Your so right they were very real to me. I may not have had the chance to take care of them and bring them through this awful process and into childhood, but i wanted too more than anyone can ever know   Thank you for being here with me x

NBR- Thank you again for another beautiful post, i truly love hearing from you, what you write is always so true, in depth and could have been written on my behalf. You have a wondeful way of putting what i want to say. Your an amazing lady thank you too for being here with me. It helps me as i am sure many others to have wonderful people on here to share and discuss all of these heartbreaking, soul destroying situations. This is a journey none of us chose, and none of us wants to be on, but we are and must get through how ever we can, but too have such support is truly insperational..... Thank you  

I really am so humbled, to you all for taking the time to share your feelings and doing your best to offer support and aid me and my hubby who is reading through daily, our posts. I would hate o think how alone i would feel without you all, THANK YOU X


----------



## ♥ Sarah ♥

Donna ~             

S x


----------



## Bambam

dhikki said:


> My hubby had today off of work so we have spent lots of time together, just being us. We haven't talked too mcuh today about our heartache. But my darling husband has suggested that we visit the beach (one of our special places to be) and let five roses drift out to sea, i think this would be a lovely thing to do for us and eachother and of course our dearly missed souls on ice.


That sounds absolutely lovely hon and what a very special man you married   

Amanda xx


----------



## dhikki

When will the hurting stop.........


----------



## Coco Ruby

Hello dhikki

We haven't 'spoken' before but I couldn't just ignore your heartfelt posts.  I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking a lot about you, I can really hear your pain and I wish I could do something to take it away    What a terrible time you are going through at the moment, I know it feels like the pain will never stop    

Let yourself grieve for what you have lost, because it is a loss, and you need to let your feelings and your grief out   I am not in a great place at the moment, and am asking myself the same questions that you are asking yourself, and I don't have an answer for you or for myself, I wish I did  

All I can offer you is an ear to listen and a hug and to say that I can really feel your pain       

Thinking of you
x


----------



## dhikki

My darling ice babies, i guess you must be gone by now. On your way to a warmer place. Why could things not have been different for us? What on earth can i learn from this? Why and how do i have to face such heartache.  


You were wanted more than you will ever know, it breaks my heart i had to let you go
  

If my tears could build a staircase, i would climb the stairs to bring you back to me again, please forgive me for letting you go


----------



## Bambam

Someone posted this on another thread and i thought the words are very beautiful

*Sometimes by Frank Brown*

Sometimes, when the sun goes down, 
It seems it will never rise again&#8230; But it will

Sometimes, when you feel alone, 
It seems your heart will break in two&#8230; But it won't

And sometimes, it seems it's hardly worthwhile carrying on&#8230; But it is.

For sometimes, when the sun goes down, 
It seems it will never rise again... But it does

Amanda xx


----------



## dhikki

Amanda thank you, it is so true


----------



## Hope2005

This is so sad, I am so sorry about how you feel. I am sad too about the possibility of a life with no children, it does hurt so much. This is not how life should be.


----------



## poodlelover

How you doing dhikki?? 

PL x


----------



## dhikki

it has been a good while now since i let my ice babies perish,

I get up everday and plod along like i know i have too. Some days i cry, somedays i don't. But the ache in my heart is still constant............

Some days i feel like i have been kicked in the guts


----------



## dhikki

today is one of those days really hurting tonight


----------



## Libran

Dhikki
I was so sorry to read your heartfelt post.  You are in such emotional pain.  I have no words, just massive   
I was so worried about you as had gone so quiet on the forum, I sent you a PM a while back.  Not sure if you got it ?
Many people (including my own mother) would say that IF is not the "worst" thing that can happen to a woman, as it is not life threatning.  However, it is certainly the cruelest.  Please continue to draw as much support as you can from your wonderful DH and remember that we are all always here for you.  You are certainly not alone XXX


----------



## dhikki

Hello Libran my darling, 

So sorry i went quiet for weeks, just couldn't face it hope you understand. How are you doing honey? Hope your doing ok?


I cannot believe i am now 32 and still not a mum, i was so full of hope 7 years ago...... now hope has gone and life is just lonely    and empty x


----------



## dhikki

So lost....


----------



## Rowan22

Dhikki,

I am so sorry. You are carrying so much pain. 
We all know there are no words but I couldn't just read and run. 
Look after yourself.     

Rowanxxx


----------



## karenann

Dhikki
I am truly sorry that you feeling so lost at the moment and I am sending you big     . I wish that there were some magic words that would ease the pain for you. Hang in there and take care of yourself 
karenann xxx


----------



## poodlelover

Dhikki sending you lots of    
IF really is totally cruel. Are you considering other options?

PL xxx


----------



## dhikki

thank you everyone for your support. Your all so lovely.

Finding things so very hard, i have an appoinment monday morning to discuss having a hysterectomy. If it is decided that is the best option, it will be so final..... i won't be a complete woman anymore.     

Just feel lost and so alone x


----------



## poodlelover

LOts of    to you. You must book a holiday/spa day/shopping trip etc . I know those things won't make it all better but might make you feel a tiny bit better for a little while. Have you been offered counselling?

Take care. Remember you are not alone  
PL xxxx


----------



## cookies81

HI dear   things will get better honey they have to it's the law of the jungle, and y have you decided on a hysterectomy if I may ask?


----------



## Libran

Dhikki
I am thinking of you today.  You are in so much emotional pain, and I really feel for you right now.  Massive   for you.  I hope your doc is sympathetic and manages to talk you through all available options and come up with the best possible solution for your medical needs.  But, Cookies is right.  I know it certainly doesn't feel this way now, but things will NOT always look this bleak.  Thinking of you XXX


----------



## dhikki

Thank you ladies, your all so brilliant, i love all your suport and help. My appoinment been postponed untill the 3rd of August so more waiting...... Maybe a miracle could happen while i am waiting   

How is everyone? Love to you all D x


----------

