# Really need a rant



## catnap111 (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi
I've never posted on this thread before, but this is where I now "belong" and I really need a rant. I have a beautiful 2 year old son but I can't help yearning for another baby. We've tried IVF again but I'm a poor responder, my FSH is elevated and there is a family history of early menopause, so we've given up now. What's making it so hard is that so many of the friends I've made through my son are now onto their 2nd babies. One friend wasn't due for another 3 weeks and I went to her son's 2nd birthday party yesterday to find out she had her baby last wednesday! I only saw her last Monday. It felt like a bullet, well several actually. Firstly why hadn't she let me know before the party? I found out along with everyone else, many of which she hasn't seen or spoken to in months. Secondly, I wasn't prepared for it popping out just yet, and thirdly it was a girl. She proudly said how she now has the "full package, a boy and a girl".  I should feel pleased for her, but I was just choked up the whole party.  My poor boy won't have any siblings and it breaks my heart.
I know I'm very lucky that IVF worked for me as it doesn't for so many others, but I don't think the feelings of being a failure or somehow different to everyone else ever goes away. In some ways it's more difficult for me now as I'm mixing with other Mums. Before my son was born I was working full-time and apart from the occasional woman at work getting preggars I could generally avoid all things baby related. Fortunately I do still have friends that don't have children so when I see them I feel more 'normal' and blessed I at least have 1 child. Sorry, I sound so very selfish, but this all needs to come out of my head!!

If you've managed to read this far, then thank you.


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi catnap

Just wanted to send you a big 
What a shock for you to walk into, i cant imagine how that must have felt as my ds is only 10 months, although i never realised how much i would yearn for another after my DS

As a fellow poor responder i can understand that the yearning never goes away 
Do you have any family support  mind you my having said that my family just think i have one i should be happy but the feelings you have you cant just switch on and off 

You dont sound selfish to me at all just all normal feelings after following the path of what we have had to walk

If you need a chat anytime just PM me or post here sweetie
thinking of you and DS and DH
Em


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## professor waffle (Apr 23, 2005)

Aw hon I really know how you feel. I have a very prouctive NCT group who have mostly had No 2 & several are talking of No3 already! I have avoided the coffee mornings several times because \i just can't cope with seeing/hearing about it. In our case DH didn't want to try for another one so I felt like even the slightest chance of a natural pg was snatched away again. As you can see from sig we did agree to try but I never expected to have a natural pg so quickly & although I lost it I feel a bit guilty too cos one my group is really struggling to concieve No 2 & may have secondary infertility.

I've waffled but just wanted to say it's normal how you feel & I totally recognise the bullet anaology


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## Cool_Cat (May 22, 2006)

Hey Catnap

I could have written your post.. in fact I've come close to writing it for the past couple of weeks now. We even share similar FF names!

In my case my ante natal mum friends are just starting to announce their second pregnancies and the first bumps are starting to show. The main conversation piece at the mo is speculation about who will be next and when each of them is going to start trying. They are a really nice bunch of people and I don't want to lose touch with them but I'm finding it hard to cope with the constant barrage of 2nd baby-speak and I've been distancing myself a little just for sanity's sake.

My DP is very happy with just having the one child and thinks I'm loopy for avoiding some of the mum get-togethers which I've previously really enjoyed. So I'm back in that lonely place that infertility/tx takes you. I naively thought I'd escaped that place forever when my little lad was born. Ho Hum.

And yes I feel guilty too for feeling this way when so many others haven't been as lucky as me. I do know how lucky I am but, nevertheless, the yearning is still there... 

Don't feel bad about how you're feeling - I think it's perfectly natural. Let's face it, wherever you are in the mix - even supposedly through to the other side - infertility sucks!

sending you  . 

love

Cool_Cat xx


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## catnap111 (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi all
thank you Heffalump, prof Waffle and cool_cat (what great names everyone!!) so much for your responses, it really does make me feel better. I do feel very alone in all this as my DH is pretty useless when it comes to talking about things. He's fantastic in so many ways but never knows what to say to me at times like this, maybe a man thing...

Cool_cat - I'm like you, I'm starting to dread the baby groups as it's all 2nd baby talk and some of the mums are really bonding over their 2nd babies as they're about the same age, and I'm starting to feel I have less and less in common with them. And my god, if anyone else asks me if I'm going to have another child I think I'll scream!!!  I agree with you, I thought all that was over with when my son was born, I thought I'd feel fulfilled and 'normal' but I realise this "issue" we have will never truly go away, maybe I'll just learn to live with it.

I'm supposed to be seeing my friend next week and although I want our little boys to still see each other and have fun I'm going to find it so hard when she'll have the new baby in tow. Hopefully by then I'll have come to terms with it a bit more....

thanks once again and maybe next week I'll have a new rant!!

catnap


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## jane70 (Apr 17, 2006)

Hi All
Me too!
I'm sooooo grateful to have ds who is just 2 but would so love to have a sibling for him. We tried icsi last year and had a bfn. We've no money for another try so that's it. I'm asked all the time when I'm having another. I used to make a joke or be vague but when someone at work asked me last week I just said I wasn't having anymore - just to shut her up. Yesterday a woman I met at anti natal classses was in the park with no 2 in the pushchair and she asked me too - aaggh. I keep telling myself there are good things about just having one but I know It's not really what I want. 
Sorry to sound negative but finding this really hard!
Jx


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## catnap111 (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi Jane
It's good to know I'm not alone!! yeah, I'm always a bit vague when people ask me if I'm having another, I think I give a different answer everytime depending on my mood..."we're happy with 1" or I'll say "no plans at the moment, gosh the one I've got takes up all my time ha, ha ha". I'd love to be able to tell the truth that I simply can't get pregnant, but I know if I did I'd either cry in front of them or be wondering if they feel sorry for me which I couldn't bear.

I've found myself looking out for families with 1 child, but where are they all?  the stupid thing is I actually know of 2 couples that have chosen to have just 1 child and 2 more that have been forced into it due to infertility, so they are definitely out there but this doesn't seem to help that much because at the end of the day it isn't what I want.

Anyway, I swallowed my bitterness  and bought a congrats card for my friend's new baby and I will see her next week with a suitably forced smile!!!

by the way your son's birthday is very close to my son's....mine was born on the 5th Feb 07
catnap


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi girls
would you mind me joining you on here? Ive been reading your posts, im in the same boat.

All of my friends are on #2 & #3. I try and avoid any coffee mornings and group meetings.

I have one friend who had her #2 year ago, now has one of each. and she said to me once how lovely that her DS played well with his lil sister.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr i was so upset it just got to me, and puts me of listning to those
remarks.
Took DD to pre school one of the mums said to me is she your only child.
I replied yes, she then followed on and said an only child a lonely child.
My face dropped with   and i wanted to smack the bi+ch one.
I dont speak to her now 

It is so hard i know i still get really down days,and never know how to over come these feelings.

  i hope you get some natural BFP girls.


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## mmmbop (Jun 30, 2003)

Hello ladies,
I have been experiencing a lot of similar things that you are all talking about,and am just so taken aback about how I am feeling about it all, I really never expected it, to feel so low.
Hoping to find a way through it soon cos don't like feeling like this.
Catnap, a really good friend of mine who had been so thoughtful before, did not tell me she was preg again, an aquaintance we both know just waved a text in my face telling me the news,delighted she new before me(thats how it felt anyway),and I've known my friend for years longer than the other!!! I've had a couple of other similar type situations, Maybe as people go on to have more they just don't think of us as sensitively anymore.Not that I expect special treatment as such,but it can be hard coping depending on how you are feeling.

All my friends are continuing their breeding progammes, and I am trying really hard not to drown in my emotions about it all.! 


My hubby thinks I am mad when I say I'd like to hook up to other onlies,but it feels easier somehow, I do know a couple of people who have chosen to have one and that is quite refreshing in a way,if you see what I mean.


Single children are meant to be on the up, but where are they all? 3 is the new 2  at my sons pre-school !!!!


Have read  a couple of books on raising only children,to help me feel positve ,particularly when people say the most stupid things like the comment to bella   .Also to research any pitfalls and avoid them if poss.

obviously it does not take away the lows, or I would'nt be posting,

anyway am waffling


just wanted to send big hugs to all of you,and good to know there is somewhere, where people understand

Bops,xx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Bops

to make you feel lil better. I know how hard it is to deal with these that dont care what there saying.

I have a friend that has only one child but thats what there wishes were.
Like you say it is refreshing. But so hard and difficult like for us longing for a #2 

My DH keeps saying to me to try and cope with what we have been thankfully blessed with our DD.
Im sure its easier for men 

Hopefully time is a good healer, and we will get our emotions and feeling around this.

I just feel like i have let my DD down by not being able to give her a lil sibling.
Its not for the lack of trying


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hey Bobs

Can i ask what book you have been reading, about one child.
Might give it a read, could do me good


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## mmmbop (Jun 30, 2003)

Bella ,the books are American so not always totally relevent, and some chapters cover things like single parents with an only, and also divorce,or if half/ step siblings come into the mix.


Parenting an only child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only - Susan Newman

You and your only child,the joys myths and challenges of raising an only child -Patricia nachman,Andrea thompson

I found these sort of reassuring rather than amazingly helpful,

I also have

the seven common sins of parenting an only child- carolyn white,

But just the title makes me feel bad !!!

have not read it all, need to try again, but so far have not got on with this one.

Amazon sell  used copies quite a bit cheaper, or maybe your local library can get them for you!

hope these help,

Bops,xxx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Thanks Bops for the info 

Will have a serach on the web.


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## Emma70 (Feb 17, 2006)

I often lurk here but today I wanted to join in.

I'm in a similar but different situation.  We have non i/d twin girls - for which I am eternally grateful for and appreciate how lucky we are - but even so....every time I hear of a friend/relative getting pregnant I just feel so horrible.  We have 8 frosties, and I'm plucking up the courage to go for FET but I know the success rate is low, and some days I just feel like hiding away until everyone has stopped breeding!!

It's really reassuring reading these posts - I think it is easy (for me at least) to forget how emotional the whole infertility issue is.  People don't always appreciate it but I know that people who post here do.    to you all!


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## mmmbop (Jun 30, 2003)

Hey Em    

It is natural to want to add to your family as time goes on ,  I for one was not expecting to feel the way I do now a few years down the line, almost like being at the start again in terms of being on an emotional brink!
Please keep in touch and we can support you on your fet journey when you decide to go for it,

good luck xx

another friend(hmm not sure I can use this term now,after some thought) has announced her pregnancy,only I am really peeved,as on several occaisions she has announced to all and sundry( after a few wines) that she ******(you know the word) hates being a mother !!!!   and I have never heard her say a good thing about motherhood( I have avoided her for quite a while now anyway) and her 1st child is such a gorgeous little munchkin!!!

nature works in mysterious ways!!  

Bops,x


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## Monstermunch (Mar 3, 2009)

Please can I join in on this rant?! 

I so know the feeling!! 

My DS is almost 3y and we have been TTC since he was a few months old. Following 9months of Clomid and a Lap and Dye Test I went to 
see my consultant a few weeks ago for a review! He said that he could do no more for me but would refer me for IUI (Really long wait in this area). Have gone on to waiting list for IVF clinic in London (though not sure if I can afford it emotionally or financially!!) 
On the same day as this appointment I went out for lunch with some Mummy friends, they all are aware of the treatment we have been going through as I felt being open about things would help. Anyway I mentioned I'd had a bad appointment that morning. One very pregnant friend spent the whole of lunch complaining about the recovery time from her up coming c'section, about the nightmare new born baby bit and how difficult it would be to deal with two! 

I wanted to scream, but ended up sitting there in spaced out silence!! I know how difficult it is to recover from a c'section (I had one) and wouldn't wish that discomfort on anyone!! But I also kind of feel that she should appreciate the miracle she is about to experience again! 

I feel jealous every time a friend has a baby! Shouldn't but do. Made worse by the fact that my DS was born 7 weeks early meaning the first months of his life were not really enjoyed more endured between hospital visits and tests and some really quite scary moments!! 

Anyway rant over!! Hope everyone else is doing OK and its really nice to know I'm not alone in this frustration!!


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## Wendeth (Sep 8, 2007)

Hey girls, just read the thread, and relate completely to how you are all feeling... i've been having the 'is this your only child?' thing for nearly 8 years now but believe me when I say it does get easier with time.  I'm now 44 and about to have our last go.  I'm pleased on one level that it's nearly all over, one way or the other, but half of me is screaming with grief and rage about why i didn't get blessed with 2 or 3 or 4 kids like my friends.  

When DS was 2.5 yrs old (already embarking on the horrendous journey of wondering why i hadn't got pregnant again) i remember an NCT girl who i knew in her car slowing down, winding down the window and trying to pass the time of day with me as I pushed the buggy along.  She came out with the classic line, which I have heard again and again and again over the years, 'when are you going to start trying for number 2?'  I was able to proudly say that we'd already been trying for a year and a half and nothing had happened so far. She was mortified for being so insensitive and I hope my comment kicked her into some consciousness about how thoughtless it can be to ask people about their fertility.  I had no idea at that time that I would never conceive again but it's amazing looking back.  When I found out that my eggs weren't viable any more (with IVF at 3 i had to deal with a massive bereavement.  At 42 i finally came round to the idea of donor eggs and so my journey started again nearly 2 years ago.

I can't believe the disappointments we women have to suffer each month when AF shows up, or dealing with BFNs when noone else understands the pain and feeling of hopelessness (except you lot on this thread) but to put this into perspective, we are all the background landscape in other people's lives. 

These women are not trying to deliborately upset us; they have just never had to deal with infertility issues and everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, even me.  Why should other people have to tread on broken glass around me? I have never expected to be treated differently throughout my treatments, never expected anyone not to tell me that they're pregnant.  I can't say i haven't cried buckets about their news, but that's my problem, not theirs.  Thank god for FF so we can come here and let down our guard and finally say what we are feeling but I won't spend my life feeling frustrated and envious about other people's lives - it's too self-destructive and obsessive and i won't be defined by infertility - we are all better than that.

OK, sermon over!    wishing you all lots of luck and love in your journeys.

Wendeth


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## catnap111 (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi Wendeth...great comments, thank you. You are so right, we shouldn't be defined by this and let it eat us away, and most of the time I feel the same and almost come to terms with it....but then along comes another smack in the face..

Get this one everybody...my SIL who has 18mth old twins (boy and girl) has announced she is 3 months gone with baby #3!!  "well all our friends have 3 so we were lagging behind"...she says! hahaha, I could laugh my socks off if I was so catatonic with anger!

Wendeth - I would love to know how you get on with donor eggs because that would be our only route now. I'm willing, DH not so willing but financially I'm not sure we could afford it (unless the outcome was guaranteed!). Anyhow, it would be good to know of a positive result for someone else at least.

Good luck everybody....hugs to all those single children getting undivided attention from mummy and daddy!!


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hello lovely ladies, can I join you please?
I haven't been on FF for a very long time but it's so nice reading your posts and seeing that I'm not the only one who feels how I do. Last year I was talking to some of my friends from my post-natal group and they were saying when they'd like to try for thier 2nd and it made me feel slightly sad that we didn't have that luxury, and no guarantee that we would ever have anymore children. When I got home I tried to speak to my MIL about this and she said nothing more than telling me I should be glad to have one child. Of course I'll be forever grateful that we had one successful tx but I don't think people realise how insensitive they sound. I hate talking to others about this as I feel like I am being dishonourable to my beautiful daughter. 
When I first met my Dh many, many years ago we had talked about how many children we would like and this certainly wasn't how I imagined my family would be. We started trying for a family nearly 7 years ago and even now when I meet people with older children I think how old our kids might be now if we'd concieved naturally and without problems-is that screwed up or what??
We decided this week to have another cycle of tx and I start down-regging in a couple of weeks time, I think I can only take another couple of goes at this and then will have to call it a day. I don't feel particularly positive and almost feel like I want to 'get these treatments out-of-the-way' so I can start moving on and come to terms with letting go of how I had once imagined our family to be.

I'm so, so sorry to rant like this. I sound so self-centred but it's like a breath of fresh air to be able to, for once, talk to others who I know understand.

Sarah xx


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## catnap111 (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi Pink Panther
feel free to rant here!!  You're not being dishonourable to your daughter, your feelings are perfectly natural it's just that most people don't have to think like we do...I stopped going to toddler groups because it was becoming too painful with all the 2nd babies, then I went back recently for the first time in weeks...somebody made a comment about me having another one so it all came back again and I remembered why I stopped going!

I'm sure once you start tx again you'll start to feel more positive - hope will probably kick in! Good luck with it and keep us posted.

Catnap


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