# Closing another door



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Last night dh and I were chatting about our thoughts on adoption. We are both 42, but I understand that we are still able to adopt. But dh made the point that say the process took a year (which I think is probably pretty quick) then we'd be 43 and even if we were given a baby (unlikely anway) we would be over 60 by the time the child was going to college. A grim truth dawned on me and I agree with him. And we have closed another door. 

I can make sense of it all - yet still feel this terrible ache in my heart, an emptiness. THen dh made another point, which I think is very true. He said that people who have children go through a similar thing to us when the children grow up and leave home. It's called 'empty nest syndrome'. The parents have to take stock of their lives and find new purpose - they have to find out what makes them hhappy. DH said that we are going through this about 10 years earlier than people with kids. And the positive thing is that we are younger and have more energy as well as time to do the things we love. We are not tied financially with college fees etc so we have a head start when it comes to making a great life just for ourselves. ANd that could mean abroad or change of career.

I guess it's a positive slant on things?

Bernie xx


----------



## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Wow Bernie,

You sound like you have a great hubbie there.  We too have shut the door on adoption (albeit for different reasons).  
What your DH said about finding out what makes us happy and then making a great life for ourselves is a really positive step that I think we should all be making.  If we sit back and think how much of our lives we have invested both emotionally and financially trying to have a family and then trying to come to terms with our issues, just imagine what other opportunities we could be making for ourselves. I know that this process is very personal to circumstances. Surely, embrassing these other opportunities is a part of the healing process.

Good for you!!!!


----------



## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Hello Bernie

I can totally understand what your saying and it makes lots of sense,  Dh & I have been looking at adoption now for the last few months and have come across problems with it before we've even started!  Out last letter was that our application had been rejected because we put down on our form age range 0-3 and then when we said what about older they told us we didn't have enough experience and would have to do voluntary work!! So i was a bit gobsmacked really so i think your DH is absolutely right in what he's saying.  Maybe we have been saved a life time of worry  

Lisa x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for your replies Natalie and Lisa. The adoption route is definitely not an easy one. We too were warned (when I looked into it ages ago) that there would be no babies available and we wouldn't even get onto the list unless we agreed to take children over 4 years. The whole process is crazy if you ask me. It's just another way to break your heart - and I aint doing it!
Bernie xxx


----------



## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Bernie

We went for adoption and had the social worker round for a meeting we were really scared did not know what to expect but l was so angry because he had not even entered our house and he made a comment which was " l am so and so and i just wanted to warn you that we will be using you not you using us, i was shocked and looked at my dh and said this is not going to go very good as l am already angry, anyway we got as far as the course and there was lots of people there for different reasons, but they asked us why we wanted to adopt and we explain in front of everyone and the first thing to come out of the ladies mouth was " you need to get rid of the sports car l seen you arrive in, oh and dont expect a baby that does not happen very often and they was soooooooooo rude " not sure if to put us of but to be honest they did " so me being me asked her why are they been so rude there are children that need a loving home and that we did not want a baby we was looking for an older child due to our age and she said you ca'nt choose its what suits them ,i was so shocked and we walked out but the last word to them was no wonder there was so many  children still in care homes, l am not saying this is every soical worker or area that you live we know there are some good ones out there 

she just walked off, but the same as you bernie dh and l sat down and talked about it and said the same we are in our 40s l would 
feel like i could not keep up? but i agree completely with your dh,

Hope i have not hurt anyones feelings i am just high lighting my situation,

Bell


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Adoption is a tough process to go through, no two ways about it... I haven't been through it myself but know others who have... and I appreciate it can be so hard to put aside our own feelings of wanting to desperately offer a loving home to a child in need... the thing is, its not about us or our needs as the adults who have been through IF, its about a child or children who are often in desperate circumstances, who haven't had the best start in life and who often have problems resulting from their tragic beginnings... I suppose the SW have to be firm because they need to see if those who are thinking about adoption understand the pitfalls - it would be a tragedy for a young person to have to go through a process of being uprooted yet again to be with a forever family to not have it work out...

As you can see I'm a bit too opinionated about adoption myself - this is something I have had various people over the years try and shove down my throat when I have been grieving for my own losses/IF - its been none of their business and its not been appropriate for me to pursue adoption! It would never cure my IF as I have often said! Off me big fat soap box now  

I'm not interested in pursuing adoption myself although I have thought about it in the past, I commend any who do pursue this route as its a tough trek. Bernie, I really like your analogy about being young enough to do other things whilst going through this empty nest syndrome - makes sense to me! I'll hold onto that thought  

Love to all
Emcee xxx


----------



## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hi there

Going back to the original post (I have no experience of adoption!) I too have been feeling that there is a lot of parallels with what I'm experiencing and what older friends who have grown-up children are feeling.  I guess because I don't have children I find that most of the friends I've made in the last couple of years have tended to be people in their 50s etc whose children are leaving home.  And yes, they all have lots of the same questions they are facing.  And I think your husband is so right - we're lucky to be able to put all the extra energy of (relative) youth into making our lives and marriages what we want them to be.  So I haven't much to add, just wanted to say I really strongly agree and I think it's a really helpfull point

Jx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

I just replied to your more recent post, but wanted to acknowledge this one too.

Your DH can certianly bring a great perspective to this whole IF/life journey, I really admire that in him!

Hope you are feeling a litle stronger since your last post. There are good days and bad days, I just hope life brings you more of the good ones now.

Love

Jq xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for the input. Yes my dh does talk sense sometimes. He is a sweetheart - I don't know where I'd be without him.
Bernie x


----------

