# Christian surrogate



## surrogate013 (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi
I am a TS and up until recently attended a Pentecostal church, however in the first 2ww i told my pastor so he could pray for the pregnancy to work and for my IP's to finally be parents. He and his wife (a health visitor) said they were extremely concerned about my well being an that I was going against God's will etc. I said I though my IP's will be wonderful parents and they said smuggly 'It's nice you have confidence in their abilities' I left feeling frustrated.  They seemed genuinely disgusted and I was heart broken as it was in that church i decided become a surrogate. This whole thing has effected my relationship with God. I want to go to church but i still want more than anything to be a surrogate. Does anybody know of any churches okay with surrogacy?


----------



## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Really sorry to hear about this surrogate013. Churches (or rather, the people running them) do behave appallingly sometimes. Goes without saying that the pastor and his wife have absolutely no idea about God's will and their reaction is all about their own prejudices and nothing about faith. I dread to think what she gets up to as a health visitor with prejudices like that! Walk away (I think you already have!). You don't need that negativity at a time like this. 
The key theme in Christianity is compassion. Anything less is just fake. You might find more acceptance from the Quakers... depends what you want to get from church. 
I wish you lots of luck - being a surrogate must surely be the ultimate in compassion - forget that church, it's showing itself to be far from Christian.
Txx


----------



## Jacobsmum (Feb 23, 2013)

Surrogate 013, I'm sorry that you have experienced this too.
I can't really speak with authority, but it sounds to me like you were/are responding from truly Christian motives to another couples' deep need, and would like (and deserve!) a faith community that supports you.
Lots of denominations are so diverse and even when they have an 'official' line the local 'representative' may not tow that line. I have heard of numerous catholics who have had support from priests with infertility journeys including IVF (officially not supported by the church), donor treatments (officially not supported by the church) etc.
It is also possible for a church to have an 'official' or theological position and for local priests/ pastors/ elders not to fully know or understand it. 
So it is difficult to recommend a denomination, or somewhere else to go, but possible to say that there are compassionate, active, aware and supportive Christian communities out there. Please don't be put off if it takes a while to find one.
The bible is full of stories about fertility and lack of it - and Christianity starts with the Nativity. How would that play today? A young unmarried mother hanging out with someone (who is not the biological father of her child), travelling with him whilst heavily pregnant to somewhere with no accommodation (homeless), fleeing to another country (asylum seekers or scroungers?) How welcome would that young unmarried mother feel in that church? and her homeless refugee partner? And if they would not be welcome, then where would that leave Christianity?
I am a Quaker, though was born and brought up in the Cof E. I have found quakers generally much more accepting, though I am sure there are those who would not have chosen my path (single mother, double donor, IVF) , but I have been supported and accepted. My son is a much loved member of meeting. If someone in our meeting were to be a surrogate, I can't imagine anyone expressing any views about 'going against God's will' (nice that they have a hotline to that, shame they don't think anyone else could have a part in the plan!). I can imagine a whole lot of concern for your well-being, and the baby's - but for how to support you, and possibly some sadness that we weren't going to get to greet this new person and get to welcome them to our meeting 'in the flesh' after the pregnancy. I know of one family locally who needed a surrogate, who are part of a local meeting - there may be others, since it's not something people bring up all the time. I never asked for prayers - part of the reason I found a home with Quakers was that I struggle with the 'forms' of Christian practice, the prayers, the words, the absolutes, the rituals. I know there were  some people who were praying for me, though, or 'holding me in the light', when I let them know about my ttc and treatment, and I am glad they did.
I am sorry that you feel that this reaction will affect your relationship with God. I truly hope it will only deepen it, and what may today appear a dark point in your pathway will prove to be turning point, a source of greater spiritual insight and understanding. I can understand that it was in church, and in that church, that you began your surrogacy journey, and it must feel hard to leave or be so let down by the pastor (and his wife). But it will always be the place where you started that journey, and maybe that moment, that point of understanding or insight or receptivity was what that church was meant to give you, it was meant to be the starting point. But they might not get the privilege and (hopefully...) joy of the next stage of your journey.
Wishing you joy on your journey, and hoping you find a spiritual home soon.
Jacob's mum xx


----------



## surrogate013 (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi thank you for all your great advice. I don't regret my decision to leave but i am sad to leave a church where i finally felt at home and DS had made a lot of friends. It's was something i genuinely felt God had called me to do and they behaved as God wouldn't call you to do that. I always say the Vatican is  against surrogate mothers good job they didn't rule when Jesus was around  .  It's already been quite a journey i was also raised COE and the CIW when moved to the vallies but had a baby at 16 and people told my mother to disown me (yes this actually happened in 2009!!) then tried baptist but they were quite arrogant. Me and DH both tried the catholic church attached to DS's school (they were lovely) but it didn't 'speak' to us, no one seemed very spiritual. This year i found my church finally, now this! It's becoming a joke how often I 'swap' religions to my friends and family, I am not doing it for attention I am trying to find a nurturing place to worship God. I will have a look at the Quakers  and thank you again for all the great advice.  xxx


----------



## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

I have heard really good things about the Quakers being a truly loving community, nurturing everyone in their journey with God.  C of E churches vary a lot, so a liberal one might be worth a try.

May you be blessed on your journey and with the gifts you are offering to people who would love to be parents!

xx


----------

