# Back to square one :(



## catmadblonde (Feb 2, 2005)

I cannot believe it, it happened again. I have got to test day with no a/f and have a BFN. This happened last time for us.
I was so sure this was 6th time lucky, i've been eating loads, really tired, sore boobs, must of been the cyclogest.
I really dont know how much more i can take of this, im really thinking of giving up. Each time i try i expect negative results now, i have tried positive thinking and that that has got us nowhere.


We both got up at 6.45am this morning, i peed on the stick and ran back under the quilt covers. I expected my dp to sound euphoric, but then heard him give a loud sigh, he then said NO it hasnt worked  again.

We were both in floods of tears, he has had to go to work bless him, and i have been feeling sorry for myself and will probably stay where i am right now under the quilt cover.

I just cant see light at the end of the tunnel for us, i have tried acupucture in the past, i dont drink, i dont smoke, i have had immune tests done, my womb has been looked at and scanned and my clinic can find no reason as to why it hasnt worked for me. Its down to pure luck i suppose. My eggs must be good as two of my doner recipients have got pregnant, and who knows maybe even the recipient on this tx, well i hope so for her that it has, at least something good will have come out of this heartache. This morning i even covered up the NOT on the pregnancy test just to see what it looked like to say pregnant and how i wished that it was all it said. (sad i know!)

I really think its time for a change, i need to try somewhere else, i was going to do that before but my clinic talked me out of it. And told me of the costs involved in changing clinics, so we decided to stay put. 

well enough of my moaning, just had to get it off my chest, i feel better after coming onto these boards and have stopped crying now. I think its because we have all been in the same posistion at some point maybe, and we can relate to each other.

good luck to all you 2ww waiters, i maybe back one day here again to put my BFP ON, ITS A DAY I CANNOT WAIT FOR.

love to you all.xxxxx


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## millie13 (Nov 7, 2007)

I'm really sorry.


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## Bellini (May 2, 2008)

I'm so sorry. I had a negative at Christmas and it broke my heart - hats off to you for keeping going. 

Love Bellini xxx


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## Stella100170 (Jan 11, 2010)

i'm so sorry to hear about your loss , it's extremely hard I know..never give up though as one day it may happen,,I've never been a great believer in god,, as I regularly think WHY ME? but maybe just maybe  he has other plans for us who cannot bear a child (or children) keep faith and keep strong ..big comforting hugs to you and DH xx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Catmadblonde   ho hun, so sorry to hear it's not worked...words cannot express how devastated we are can they...thinking of you and DH x


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Catmadblonde,

What can I say. I'm not very religious, but I found this very inspiring.

Dee

*What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?*
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less travelled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Anon


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

So sorry Catmad 
Doesnt get any easier does it and to not have AF is just cruel. Sending u lots of 
Which clinic are you at? Where are you thinking of going to? What did immune tests show? Sorry for the questions, just wondered...

Take care 

PL x


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## catmadblonde (Feb 2, 2005)

Thank you all for the kind words, it really helps so much. This place is a lifeline during treatment, and its helps me to know that i am not the person to be going through this, because at times you can feel so lonely and that no one really understands, my friends try, but unless you are in this situation you will never know.

I have a friend who is 51 now, and has 4 children, whos says to me "i know how you feel, it took me 12 months to get pregnant with elise".She already had 3 children and i say to her, but its not the same, you dont know how i feel. 

Poodle, the immune tests did not show anything up and the op on my womb did not show anything either.  So i think its just bad luck. Like i say it has worked for two of my doner recipients wich is a good sign i suppose.

Im just lost at the moment as for what to do, but ive been here before, and something will turn up i suppose.

thanks again you lovely ladies.xxx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Catmadwoman    - I completely understand. I'm just one day behind you with the same outcome. At 6am this morning I peed on the stick and then left it on the bedside table to wait whilst DH & I snuggled in bed saying that it was like exam results day only worse. Only 1 line! we are both completely devastated. I really really thought it had worked this time which I think has made it even worse. Crazy how everyone says to keep PMA but when the outcome is bad I think it's even more of a fall. The embryolist has always said that my embies are really good quality (not sure how much they can really tell through a microscope), but they just won't implant and I feel that I've killed 6 beautiful embies now. For me I've looked closely into immune issues which it turns out I have, but I thought all the medication I've been on has sorted this out. I'm also at a loss for what to do next.... This is just so hard....  
xx


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## Bellini (May 2, 2008)

niccad said:


> Catmadwoman   - I completely understand. I'm just one day behind you with the same outcome. At 6am this morning I peed on the stick and then left it on the bedside table to wait whilst DH & I snuggled in bed saying that it was like exam results day only worse. Only 1 line! we are both completely devastated. I really really thought it had worked this time which I think has made it even worse. Crazy how everyone says to keep PMA but when the outcome is bad I think it's even more of a fall. The embryolist has always said that my embies are really good quality (not sure how much they can really tell through a microscope), but they just won't implant and I feel that I've killed 6 beautiful embies now. For me I've looked closely into immune issues which it turns out I have, but I thought all the medication I've been on has sorted this out. I'm also at a loss for what to do next.... This is just so hard....
> xx


Oh nic... you haven't "killed" your embies.... it was just not their "time".


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## dtw01 (Jan 28, 2007)

Bless you hun,

I totally know how hard it is seeing that negative result. Inside a piece of me dies every time and am sure you r feeling the same.

DO however look at other clinics, i am having treatment abroad and can honestly say it has been like a breath of fresh air.....it really wont hurt to check it out if your clinic are not coming up with any answers.

Big hugs

H xxx


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## catmadblonde (Feb 2, 2005)

awww thank you so much, my head is clearer today. 
We are getting married in september in greece, ( i was going to call it all off after yesterdays result) so we are going to concentrate on that, and afterwards maybe look at treatment aboard. We are considering prague or budapest.

If anyone can share any aboard treatment stories or can recommend anywhere that would be great. We want to go to a place that is highly recommended.

i feel im not alone anymore.

Sorry for your heartbreak too girls, it will be out turn one day im sure of it.xxxxx


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Catmadblonde and Niccad- Huge hugs to you both


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