# Hiding the secret of your pain



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi All

Life is hard, and I can see from so many of you that I'm not alone. I find it really difficult when friends we haven't seen in ages ask "How are you all?!??!!" and we just answer "Oh, fine". The tension is palpable. The friends usually wonder what the f*ck is going on. What happened to the people they once knew as healthy, bright, carefree, laughing, full of joy and life. Here instead they see my DH, overweight, stressed, sad... and me, so sad, like a light has gone out.... but laughing on the outside, trying to pretend like everything is OK. 

Instead of "Yeah, OK, great!" should I really say "Well, after 10 rounds of fertility treatment we don't have a second child, he thinks I am a debbie downer angry depressive ***** mad woman and we nearly split up after a screaming match on the street in London the day before IVF which we abandoned.... we're now hanging onto our marriage by the seam of our pants and sometimes it feels like the only reason we are together is because of the beautiful daughter we are so lucky to have. Would you like another cup of tea?"

Sometimes it just feels so hard ot pretend or not say, when clearly something is wrong 

Rubster xxx


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## mrs_ss30 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi Rubster

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and that your marriage is under pressure at the moment.  I completely understand everything you are saying and it's absolutely s**t.  I went out with my husband on a work's do (his) last night and, quite typically, the only pregnant lady there came and sat directly opposite me.  When comments about her pregnancy inevitably were made I had to sit and smile through gritted teeth.  Then when I got the comments 'wait til it's your turn' I had to look away as inside I was screaming 'it should have been my turn 3 years ago, you don't know the hell I've been through'.  But rather than say any of this, of course you keep a dignified silence and keep it all inside until you feel fit to burst (or cry!) and get home and take your frustrations out on those closest to you.  Even the people who know what you're going through don't have a clue what it really feels like and still make those ignorant, insensitive remarks. 

I don't really have any words of wisdom or anything to offer, other than to send you massive hugs and let you know that you're not alone in feeling that way.      

xx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Thanks, Mrs_ss30! It's just nice to have someone say "I know how you feel" and not be talking out of their ****, although I am sorry to hear about your crappy night. "Wait till it's your turn". I guess people who say that really have no clue. It makes me think that this "small talk" that we all engage in is just banal, clueless, meant with no harm and yet full of empty air.

R xxx


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