# Adoption refused. Being punished for having a child already.



## JessLange (Mar 14, 2011)

Ok. Am totally and utterly beyond  knowing what to do now. Today I found out that my AMH count is in the very low/undetectable catagory meaning that we look like we have practically no eggs left. My husband is clinically infertile and we have failed clomid and ICSI where I made only 2 eggs, and we are due to begin another round of ICSI when this result came in just today.

DH does not want to egg donate and we have limited funds to carry this all on as we have to self fund due to having miraculously making our son who is 18 months old now. We feel blessed but frustratingly, being so close to having everything we are in limbo and cannot complete our family. I have quit a job for all of this and am just waiting, waiting waiting. Have been for three years now and my life is ticking on painfully not knowing what to do. I need to move my life on but cannot until I know what is going to happen.

I have just learned from researching on the different adoption websites that we cannot adopt another child until our son is 6 years old. He is 18 months old now. Wanting another when we have been blessed with one is just too terrible when I know that your struggles are just as bad as ours, often worse, and I am so sorry for being so selfish. I am just devastated. By that time just starting the process my DH will be 56 and probably won't pass the medical. I always secretly kept adoption as a lifeline; the last resort in case we could not get pregnant but to have this taken away too, all on the same day is just ghastly. 

I am due to start my Bucerelin tomorrow and I just feel like smashing all the bottles on the floor and stamping on them. How do we move on? Is there anyone else out there who has been through this? I feel so alone, so let down. Utterly inconsolable and selfish and dissapointed and failed and stabbed by all of this news. 

I feel like I am being punished for having a child. I want so badly for a friend to come and join him. We have so much love to give and I am being hollowed out.


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## aquapinkdog (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi Jess,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I've been researching adoption too as we are experiencing secondary infertility. The only thing I have found is that you normally need to have finished any 'fertility treatments' six months before you will be considered (although even that appears to be dependent on area - some will consider you straight away). I don't understand why you have to wait until your son is 6? Could you try a different agency? There is a list of agencies on the adoption website.

Good luck and lots of hugs.
Love Fx


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## JessLange (Mar 14, 2011)

OMG!!! Really!!! I went on the LA website Dorsetforyou as I did not know that there were other routes. On that they state:

_Some people apply to adopt when they have birth children. It is essential that there is at least a three year age gap between the youngest birth child and an adopted child. For that reason we are not able to accept applications from parents until their youngest birth child is aged 6. _

So where is the national adoption website that I can look on? Oh thank you so much for gving us a glimmer of hope. I am clinging to it!!


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## chicksmum (Dec 22, 2010)

Hi Jess

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. I too looked at the adoption route and did not read anything about the requirement for your own child to be 6 (but did hear that there needed to be a 2 year gap between your child and the adopted one - I think you can start the process without this gap though as the process can take around 2 years). From my understanding its based on individual circumstances so I think its worth talking to them personally. In my area you have to have stopped all fertility treatment for a year and they are quite strict about that.

I hope you have a happy outcome whatever route you take! Don't worry about your little boy needing a friend to play with as long as he gets lots of opprtunity to socialise he will be fine. I also find my little girl is great at making friends wherever we go as she doesn't have automatic friends in a brother and sister - I think this is a good life skill to have. Only children can have perfectly happy childhoods without feeling like they missed out on anything (my DH is an only child and says he doesn't know why anyone thinks he would have liked a brother or sister, he got twice the number of presents at christmas!) 

xx


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## JessLange (Mar 14, 2011)

Thank you so much Chicks Mum. I read it on the Dorset for You website in which it states that applications would not even be accepted until your brith child was at least 6. I did not know then that there were other routes which I am looking into. There may be a glimmer of hope. Thank you all so very much for your support. Adoption is very very scarry and a whole new world to explore but I need to to keep that light in the tunnel alive.
Jess xxxx


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## aquapinkdog (Dec 23, 2010)

JessLange said:


> OMG!!! Really!!! I went on the LA website Dorsetforyou as I did not know that there were other routes. On that they state:
> 
> _Some people apply to adopt when they have birth children. It is essential that there is at least a three year age gap between the youngest birth child and an adopted child. For that reason we are not able to accept applications from parents until their youngest birth child is aged 6. _
> 
> So where is the national adoption website that I can look on? Oh thank you so much for gving us a glimmer of hope. I am clinging to it!!


Hi Jess,
I've attached the link below, but it's on the BAAF website.
http://www.baaf.org.uk/agencies
Everything I've read has suggested you can apply to any agency up to about 50 miles away. 
This should give you a list.

I hope you find it useful.

I approached adoption with my DH again the other day and he's still saying 'not yet'. I see his point as we've already said we will try ICSI in the New Year, but I want to know if he really will consider it, as it's something I'd always said I'd like to do (although I had no idea we'd be in this position where it may be our only choice), or whether it was just a sugar coated 'no'.

Good luck and keep us up to date with your journey.
Fx
PS There is an adoption section on FF which I have a read of now and again. You may find it useful?


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