# Holding on for Mr Right – would really welcome your comments!



## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello Ladies

I really hope that you don’t mind me posting here, but it occurred to me that some of you may be able to help me with this.

I am single and 34 and have been looking into having a child on my own using donor sperm as I am starting to feel that time is running out for me to have a family.  I have seen consultants and had tests done, but, when it came to the crunch last month I realised that I really don’t want to do this on my own (I think deep down it is not the right decision for me personally to deliberately have a child who has no father).

So … I have now decided to transfer the energy I have been putting into the single parenthood idea and instead actively pursue the possibility of finding Mr Right and having a family the ‘traditional’ way.  I am thinking of giving it a couple of years (and really putting some effort into meeting someone, not hiding away at home!) and then reviewing things.

I am pretty terrified about this though!  My track record in relationships has been fairly disastrous and this decision could mean that I end up ttcing in my 40s.

What do you think?  Have any of you met Mr Right late in the day?  I would really value any advice/insight/comments from you, and I sincerely apologise if this is an inappropriate post for this board.

Thanks for reading

Some1


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## druzy (Jan 25, 2006)

Hi Some1

I am 41 and started ttc when 40 and so often think back to when I was 34 and in your situation!

It's obviously really hard to advise someone on this as, as I'm sure you can appreciate, so much of life is just not plannable.  I heard a song on the radio the other day, a rather odd song, which said (or words to the effect of) "do not berate yourself too much for your failures or applaude yourself for your successes because only 50% of life is in your control the other 50% of life is chance" - made me feel better anyway.

I suppose at 34 I was more interested in meeting Mr Right than having a child and don't think that I would have felt that I could have coped with a child on my own.  However if you feel you could cope then that is an option for you.  It's so hard to say because some people have children at 40 with no probs (or older) and I get up the impression that up to 38 is ok ish although I know the experts now say 35 is it a significant cut off.  At least you know that having a child is a priority for you.  Like you say maybe you do need to make a cut off and maybe another year or two would be a good idea.  I thought of one idea that maybe somewhere in the middle?  Perhaps you could do IVF with donor sperm (although I understand that's not that easy get in the UK these days or maybe you have a donor already) and get the embryos frozen, so they would always be there and should be of better quality than ones that you would produce when say age 40.  That way you have got the best back up your could hope for starting from now - although as I'm sure you know none of it has any guarantees.  Anyway, I wish you well with whatever you decide and just thought I'd put my ha'penny's worth in.  From what I understand the technology for freezing eggs isn't developed properly yet, which is a shame.  By the way I always used to say that I was really bad at relationships but now I'm with my husband I don't think I am really it's just that there are a lot of unsuitable men out there, and bad combinations, so I wouldn't put yourself down like that because it's probably not true.  lots of luck!

love

Druzy xx


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## three_stars (Jan 19, 2006)

Hi there,

I could probably of written this same post at your age... if we had had this board!

Waiting for MR. Right ( and still not found him) even getting married to Mr Wrong ( thinking it could be a good dad) has led me to spend years , tons of money, and nearly all my energy and sanity to try to make my family in my mid 40s.

I think a solid family unit (IMO) might be best but depending on you...(independence, money, job, energy) being a single mom might be right as well... and at this age you may not have a problem finding Mr. Right as a single mom...and attract someone who really wants to be a dad as well.

You are only 34  .. give yourself a year of dating seriously for a future father.
Maybe you would think about ( if you have the money) to do IVF and freeze some embryos for 5 years.  Maybe doing it abroad would not be so expensive (4 to 5000euros) and make you feel like you have some "insurance".  Also this would make you go through all the fertility tests, scans, procedures to get good eggs.  Also have your lining checked, etc.  You may be better able to make a decision when you know exactly whether your fertility is perfect or if you have any problems already that you may have to face.

This is all off the top of my head.  I am sure you will get other views, opinions and I am sure they will all be worthwhile considering.  
Good luck,
b123


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I am 38 and on my own and pursued a known donor route after  years of Mr Wrongs and failed long term relationships one spanning 13 years on and off .  I decided to take matters into my own hands, and to be honest I have been actively not seeking and possible averse to dating in the last year-18 months, as it would have deviated me from my plans to TTC.

I think it also puts a lot of pressure on finding Mr Right and then when you have found a nice guy, that he will want children and fairly quickly.  So often men will run a mile as soon as the BABY words are mentioned.  Also most men in their mid-late 30's/40's will have a 'history', and may already have children and not want more etc.  This happened to my friend who is with the man of her dreams, she was divorced and had 3 miscarriages with her ex, now she is in love with a man with teenage children and he doesn't want children, but she has stayed with him, and has to give up her dreams of being a mummy.

I also think meeting and finding Mr Right and dating is so much harder in your mid 30's than when you are in your 20's.  A few of my friends have had some successful dating and meeting men on the websites, they have also had their fair few (web) frogs before their princes came along- one is married to hers, another engaged and another deliriously happy, another is dating all the time and getting out but not finding Mr Right, so they seem to get their P45's fairly quickly- she also wants a child but the whole package!


I disagree that you should use donor sperm and freeze your fertilized embryos, and then decide as it is selfish to deny others the sperm that is in such short supply, and they are desperate and know what they want.  Also if you have conceived embryos then that man's 'family count' goes up so one less family can be conceived from the sperm donor, just because you 'may' decide you want to use them later.  I think you need to make a decision and go for it.  I don't see anything wrong with you freezing your own eggs as they are younger eggs, as they are not potential children at that point, and after all it only effects you, it is your money and harms or effects no one else except you.

I think that you have a lot of thinking to do, maybe go to a fertility counsellor at one of the clinics who can help you explore your thoughts/options.

I also think that I would like to meet someone in a few years, but hopefully if he is worth meeting he will take me and my baby/child as a package, just like divorced people on a second relationship have to- and if he doesn't want a child in the equation then he isn't worth knowing.  

I felt I have to try now (and actually regret not doing it before when I was under 35)  as even 38 I have had issues and things are still touch and go. But I could not live a life of regret.

Have you thought about co-parenting with a known donor? they are some men who are searching for this, mainly on the gay websites and forums like pinkparenting then you would have 50% responsibility and share the highs and lows of parenting. I am not co-parenting.

Best of luck with your decision
L xx


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## three_stars (Jan 19, 2006)

HI again.  Just to add a bit no that others have started to post... interesting topic actually.  I think a counselor may be helpful advice.
As far as being selfish to freeze embryos... this is true there is such a shameful shortage in the UK... but abroad there is not.  I am right now in process of getting sperm ( we have MF) from a sperm bank and there have plenty.. no problem.  And freezing embryos already comes with lower success then fresh.. but freezing eggs is really not yet a good solution as they have not had that much success.
On the other hand I am not sure if a clinic will do this ( IVF with intention to use later).. you would have to ask.. I don't see why not but then again maybe there are rules against it.  I would be guessing but what say you would have a hard time in the UK to do this. ( HFEA surely has some kind of rules against   )

Pressure on the guy... and you!  Yes that is true... but kind of the norm if you are dating in your 30s isn't it?  If the man is not looking for family best to know right off... not 9 years later and after you have had a child ( like I did).
ANother thing to think about.  If you are a single mom and unless you have a good support group.. family, close friends that stay friends even after you are a mom, sitters, etc... it is not always so easy to date after children come along then before... at least for a few years. ( IMO)

Take care,

B123


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

I lost Mr Right when I was 29 yrs,  before we'd had any kids. I then met a childhood sweetheart (I rang him acutally to catch up, to cheer myself up a year after - no idea why I did it - he is a company director now and not even my type!!!)  and we ended up in bed twicd, and I got pregnant.  I was 30 yrs old. He begged and begged me to have a termination and due to the stress of the year before and all the 'shame' of having had a secret fling,  I did terminate it - at 12 weeks preg, biggest mistake of my life.  I met Mr Perfect 2 years later, without looking, and we re very very happily married now, but for the first 5 years together he asked if we could hold off having kids - he is adorable and was just being honest - he's 6 years younger that me, you see.  ANYWAY, like a fool I went along with it, all the while knowing I wanted kids, lots of them, would cope what ever the situation, am  a nice person so why wouldn't family and friends support me.

All of the above, and now at 40 next month, have had 3 miscarriages, ended up in mental hospital due to chemical changes and scepticemia impacting my neurons, and we are both devastated that this nightmare is going on.  Been trying almost 2 years. My hubby NOW says he would have stayed with me, he's always wanted kids, he would have been OK.

So,  it really has to be in your hands - but don't got passed the age of 35 without seriously thinking of either a casual fling with someone you really respect or sperm donor.  I know it sounds really irresponsible, but better than the impact I have had on the NHS, on my family and work (lost my job eventually)  is crazy - I would have been better off being selfish.  


All the best - big hugs whatever you do OK.

Sheena
xxxx


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## Willowwisp (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi 


My story ........ I was engaged when I was 26 to a man who turned out to be a two timing idiot, who had an affair with my so called friend, I then decided that men were all the same and stayed single on and off for 8 years, yes 8 years!!!   I even went 3 years without sex!!! OK I had some relationships that lasted no longer than two months and were all disastrous with my heart being broken numerous times!!!

I got to the age of 33 and thought all was lost and I would be single with three cats for the rest of my life, to be honest children did really figure with me then and I probably wouldn't have considered donor or similar as it didn't mean that much to me then?? Anyway, I went on a blind date, met my wonderful hubby, he moved in 8 weeks later and we got married within twelve months!!   I knew he had had a vasectomy but he had it reversed before we got married, little did we know we would need IVF but thats how it turned out? I wouldn't change a thing, he is lovely, makes me laugh and if we can't have our own family then I will still love him no matter what!  

I can honestly say I think your doing the right thing in waiting and trying to find 'Mr Right', I would rather be single and alone than end up with some idiot I didn't even like or love!! I'm 37 now and although I'm struggling to conceive I'm glad I waited for my sweetie pie to come along!!  

I know alot of people think its cheesy but have you thought about internet dating, my friend met her hubby online and another friend is completely loved up with a lady he met on the net?? You have to be careful but its worth a try?? 

BUT it doesn't matter what any of the girls say on here, their advice and stories are very useful but YOU have to do whats right for you at the end of the day?

I wish you lots and lots of   with your search for Mr Right and your treatment if you decide to go ahead!

Love

Willow
xxx


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Holding on for Mr Right hummmm.  Well they certainly come when you least expect them too!  In fact the day I met my Mr Right I had had lunch with a girl friend and had told her how happy I was being single, no cares, etc. etc. and then BANG ten hours later I met my husband to be!  Absolutely instatanious, he moved in three days later (!) and we bought our house six weeks later!!!

I too had had a disasterous first marriage. My mum died when I was 22 and I think in hindsight I wanted to get married to make a home for myself, so my then boyfriend and I got married the next year.  I really wanted children but I sort of knew as soon as I married him that I wouldn't have them with him but still I persevered in the marriage until I was 30 and he had stripped me of all my self confidence.  I think 30 was the turning point and I managed to get out of the marriage but jumped straight into another disasterous relationship which lasted two years.  

By then I was 32 and totally against having any kind of relationship, even though I could see all my friends getting married and having children.  Looking back at photos of myself I was desperately unhappy and struggling to keep my head above water but at the same time I threw myself into work and ended up relocating to Luxembourg where I spent the next four years alone with only the odd fling.  I was 36 when I met DH and we started trying to concieve straight away, although by then I had already crossed that magical figure of 35.

Would I live my life like this again?  Well it's a double edged sword really.  Yes if it meant it was the only way to meet my wonderful DH but I wish I hadn't wasted all those years, especially with my first husband.  When I was single I thought often about having a child on my own, I even had a gay friend who offered to be the father but I was absolutely terrified of how I would cope.  I do believe a parent can bring a child up successfully on their own and give them the love and support they need, especially if there are other role models within the parent's circle. If I had had the courage to have a child on my own then I would have rather asked my gay friend to be the father then end up up the duff from some near stranger or someone I didn't respect that much.

I do encourage my single girls friends to find out about having their egg frozen so they don't end up in the situation I'm in now.  I truely believe you will find your Mr Right when you least expect it but why not have that guarentee in the freezer just in case you find later there are problems conceiving.

Best of luck hunni
Allison xx


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## nuala (Jul 13, 2005)

i met my DH when I was 42 after lots of relationships.  I was happy to be on my own and only with someone if I really liked them after kissing various frogs along the way who broke my heart.

He asked me to marry him 9 months later and 9 months from then we got married.  I was then 43.  Neither of us had been married before or had any children in fact I had never been pregnant.  We tried for a year without success and then sought help.  Two IVF's last year aged 44 didn't work but we were realistic that we had found one another and we would have one another after treatment if it didn't work out.  Remember Fertility treatment can only tweak your odds it is not a guaranteed successful treatment.

Age 45 and 4 months in MArch this year I fell pregnant naturally and am due to give birth tomorrow.  This little one was au natural with the help of chinese herbs and acupuncture.

So, you can have a child much later than you think but there are no guarantees in life about anything.

Nuala


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Keeping everything crossed for you Nuala and for your darling miracle.  I hope your little one arrives soon


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## janeup (Jan 15, 2005)

At the age of 24 I fell pregnant after a disastrous one night stand with a married man. I decided to keep the baby as I had experienced quite a lot of personal pain in my life (brother and boyfriend dying when i was in my early 20s).  I bought up my little girl on my own with the fabulous help of my mother until I met my husband to be at the age of 36.  We didn't start trying for kids until I was 39/40 and didn't seek guidance until 3 years ago which was sort of too late with my own eggs.  We are now waiting for a donor to complete our family.  What I have realised thoughout this awful infertility game is that I love my DH so much and wouldn't swap him for all the babies we could have together in the world. Ok, so I am blessed with having the most wonderful daughter who is now 20 and at university (and doing brilliantly, so sod those who think single parents can't bring up children!)
I would say there are no rules in finding Mr Right but having a child on your own can be lonely.  I had to meet a lot of dreadful men before my DH came along.  And sadly, he wasn't ready to have kids immediately as he is 5 years younger than me.  
Now what's important is our relationship and our future life together - having a baby will be a bonus to us - as someone said the cherry on a cake which already has delicious icing.  The irony is I see so  many friends who have had kids easily and then split up.  This infertility lark is painful but has made us stronger.


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me – I am really touched.  You have given me some great advice and it was great to read of the whirlwind romances that some of you have had.  I think when you are surrounded by people who are in couples it is easy to believe that you have missed the boat – but hopefully that is not the case!

I am a veteran of dating sites and have been on a few dates through this, but being completely honest I have never really approached this with a positive mind.  I think I have quite a few barriers which have got in the way of successful relationships and really need to address this.  I am very protective of myself (don’t want to let anyone hurt me) and this is what made me decide against having a baby with donor sperm – I know that I would be so much more protective if I had a child, and then there would be no way I would get involved with anyone romantically.  Basically for me, having a child would mean deciding never to have a relationship and I am not ready/willing to make that decision at the moment.  I went to see a hypnotherapist a couple of weeks ago and she has helped me to be more open and positive – I am going speed dating tomorrow night (on my own – eek!), so will have a chance to test myself!

I am definitely going to look into the possibility of having ovarian reserve testing done and freezing eggs (I wouldn’t freeze embryos even if there was sperm available as it just doesn’t seem right to create them unless I am definitely going to use them – especially having spent time reading threads on this site and realising what some people go through to have a child).

Caroline
xxx


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Best of luck for tonight Caroline....who knows what's around the corner!


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## Anne_7 (Mar 20, 2005)

Druzy,

After reading your post I felt I had to respond.... I remember being 34 and single and if there is one piece of advice I can give you it would be is to go out and enjoy yourself! Don't be out there looking for a husband as men hate when women are full on and they run a mile. Men are attracted to women who know how to enjoy themselves as they want to be apart of your fun. Remember it never happens when you're looking and always when you least expect.. Men can spot women a mile away who are looking for a husband as they come across desperate, just be yourself and enjoy your me time as I'm sure Mr right will come along soon....

*Allison * - Ditto, I've also got married at 22 walked out at 33 and met DP at 35... I loved my me time between 33-35. Told DP that I didn't want anything serious, but then we became inseparable! 
How did your consultation go?

Love Anne X


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## Becs64 (Nov 30, 2006)

I have to reply to you!  On my 38th birthday I stood up in front of all my friends and told them I would never get married, I was through with blind dates and was going to get 14 cats, become barmy spinster the kind that everybody talked about - 3 months later this was ruined when I met my DH, who is the most wonderful person in the world.  I too thought about having a child on my own, but (a) seriously could not afford it, and (b), came to the conclusion that I wanted the whole package of husband too.  
Got married very quickly (you discover that you know very quickly if it's right so move on if you feel something is wrong).  Met husband through friends when I moved to newish area. 
Do wish I had met him years before I admit, but he was worth the wait.  Have one DD, but am on this site due to secondary infertility.  I think I just had an open more relaxed attitude, and was getting on with my life when DH came along!

good luck, keep looking,


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello everyone

Thanks for the good luck wishes for speed dating Allison Kate - it was an 'interesting' night - there were some slightly odd men there, including one who said that I reminded him of an old fashioned film star and he could picture me tied to some railway tracks !!! .  I didn't click with anyone but it gave me some practice at getting out there.  I have a few nights out planned between now and Christmas, so we'll see.

Thanks for your messages Anne_7 and Becs64.  I am so glad I started this thread because the feedback has been lovely and I am feeling really positive about the future and sure that I am doing the right thing (for now at least !! .  

Thanks once again to everyone who has taken the time to post - this site is fantastic - and so are all the people on it! 

Some1

xxxxx


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## Kitty kat (Mar 21, 2006)

I would just like to add my comments.  When a relationship ended - he dumped at 38 because he didn't want to be tied down, he even said the old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' stuff.  I was heartbroken and went on anti-depressants.  After a lot of self pitying and wound licking, I decided that as marriage and kids wouldn't happen now,  I would draw a line under it and carve myself a new life that would be as valid and amazing as I could make it.  I had to visit a new country every year, I had to do five new things a year that I had never done before and if going to a new social event I had to physically introduce myself to at least three new people - men and women, old and young - didn't matter.  And I started my own book group.

At 39.5 I went on an overland truck adventure tour of East Africa with 20 other strangers, half way through I met a guy in a dodgy camp site bar who was travelling in the opposite direction.  There were no lightening bolts, no 'he's the one moment', not even a kiss on the cheek - nothing, just a funny guy who I met for five minutes and swapped email addresses with.  Yep, you guessed it, we stayed in touch and met up when we got home things happened pretty quickly.  

I am now 42, in Feb 2007 we celebrate our first wedding anniversary and I couldn't be happier.  Its the best relationship I've ever had and I am now 12 weeks pregnant with twins.  I was 40.5 when we started trying for a baby and it wasn't easy, we did have problems but we overcame it and our first round of IVF worked.

I can't echo enough what the other girls on here have said - the minute you stop looking, its the moment you are going to meet someone.  Be open to the opportunity of chance.  Not everyone has love at first sight, don't brush off the guy who doesn't make your toes curl in the first five seconds.  Fill your life with new things and be seen as a fun confident and vibrant women that everyone wants to be with.

Good luck

K


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## valerieann (Feb 2, 2007)

Well, I haven't read all the responses, just a courtesy glance.  BUT, I could turn back the clock and be you.  I met my Mr Right at the grand old age of 40 (he was 36), we are incredibly happly married but unfortunately we didn't conceive any children.  I have always thought that I would have kids one day but like you, didn't want to go it alone.  Altough time was ticking by, I must admit that I often considered the thought of have artificial semination with a donor sperm and then promptly abandoned the idea.  Now, I have to say that I feel that was a mistake.  I should have had a baby years ago.    My husband and I are on our first IVF and I am terrified, I am now 45 (birthday last week) so chances are very slim.

You must do what you think is right for you - but remember "you only have the one life".

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my lot, just disappointed with myself for not realising that my biological clock was ticking faster that I had thought !      

Good luck whatever you do.


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