# Am A Very Sad JellyBean...... :(



## melmel

hello
To any one that passes by and reads this....

I have just got a BFN from my 2nd full cycle of ivf and am feeling very low, empty, numb, frustrated, dissapointed, angry...i could go on and on and on.....
Through out my tx i stuck closely to my "cycle buddies" thread,  the Jellybeans... and was rewarded with so much love and support, i know i can still pop in there and  they would be waiting with open arms but its a thread for support through your tx cycle.....i  dont feel its a place for me to be able to express openly the  sadness i have now.....
you could say i am feeling a little bit lost now... 
I know there was quite a few of us lately that sadly got bfns and am sure you ladies and others are feeling just as lost as me.... 
So hopefully  my post will become a little haven for us all......
somewhere we can rant, be angry, be sad,  BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER....
and also find some support, love and PMA to be able to pick our selves up and carry on on this journey.....

REMEMBER LADIES....theres a stork flying around for us all up there somewhere,,its just got a little bit lost......xxx

much love
mel xxx


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## justone

Hi Melmel
Just read your post. Didn't want to read and run. I am so very, very sorry!  Wish I could find words to help you feel a wee bit better now... Just want to send on some     your way and tell you that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers    ... 
Look after yourself. Be good to yourself and take things easy!


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## bexyboo

Mel - my gorgeous friend uve just made me cry by expressing just how I feel!

I love u lady ur an amazing person and inspiration!!!

Let's get some mote jelly beans!!!!


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## talie

just want to say how much I love you too mel and bexybooo always here for my two beautiful gals  

tal x x x


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## bexyboo

Maybe I should share a little about myself

I started my 1st Icsi cycle in November - it was such a rollercoater ride
Unfortunately after all my hard work n PMA I got a bleed 10dpt bit was still holding on to hope that all things are possible I had 2 embys in me n when I got  I couldn't believe I had lost them both absolutely heartbroken lost n couldn't face the world as thoughtthey would be laughing at me because I couldn't get pregnant!!  
We have no frosties and my dh had to have the sperm retrieval op they could only find enough for this 1 course of treatment that has just gone!!

Being apart of the jellybeans has made me alot stringer knowing that there are ladies Like mel have not lost hope n faith and have given it another go and I thank them so much for their love support and friendship! I will never forget you!!

I look at me now and yeah I feel empty - I never thought this would happen to me my hearts desire to be a mummy from when I was only a child myself!! In 23 why is this happening to me? What have I done wrong? Why dont I have any family that will comfort me n understand how heartbreaking it is for me!!

It ruined my while career I used to work with babies and children I just couldn't do it nomore! I struggle to see my family they all have beautiful children n I can't be the auntie I wanted to be!!!

I found Jesus Hes taken some of my pain away - he's healing my heart day by day n he's going to bless me with a baby - I want to be happy again

And I want to help all my lovely friends!!!!

Sorry for the moan girls - wanted you to see my walk


Love to all xxxxx


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## bexyboo

Talie - thanks sweet - love you too very muchly xxx


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## bexyboo

Sorry forgot to put ........

The answer is that I have learnt is that it's not my fault there's no reason y this couldn't work n ppl do care they just don't understand n dont know how to deal with it
I believe that this time didn't work beciase there are better things to come!!

And I want to try n help you get stringer n boost ur PMA up!!!

Always here for all of you - my emptiness  will be restored soon n I will be the mummy I always wanted to be 

Xxxxxxxxx


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## melmel

hey its me again....

TALIE..ty so much for coming and supporting us here...xxx spread the word for us wont you xxx 

CLARIKINS...ty so much for your support and kind words.....xxx 

BEXYBOO.....so you found my little hide out....  Thankyou so much for being open and sharing your journey with us, and believe me you are not alone, i know exactly what you mean about family and being an auntie!!! i struggle to...  as much as i love them so so much!!

I really think we have done a good thing starting this thread.....am off now to pm some of the other ladies that sadly had sad news like us....
mel xxxx


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## bexyboo

Mel - bless you will chat later ur doing great remember that xx


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## talie

oh yes I'm deff here for support to you lovely lot and I hope you all know that 2011 is still going to be your year and this journey although so bloody hard is not over and the    will find you and you will be called MUMMY!! 
I know I'm lucky to have never had a neg treatment but I have loss two babies now so I think I can understand the sadness your all feeling and want to send you all the love and support in the world.

love ya tal x x x


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## K8W

Hi Bex & Mel

Great idea with this thread. Dont have too much to input at the mo, but wanted to pop in to say hi and hope you are feeling a little better.

Chat soon 

K8W x


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## shell1362

Hi Ladies

Great idea for this thread! Wanted to pop on and just say hi, (you may recognise me from the Dec/Jan thread)... I got my 5th BFN 2 weeks ago , snd still strugeeling so much to accept it this time...we really thought this one had worked for us!

Sending the biggest hugs   out to anyone else with a BFN... just try to  keep strong!


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## melmel

SHELL1362....Oh honey, big hugs to you..and you have tried so many times!!!!
I know its so hard aye..... but am so glad you have found us here in this thread.xxxx

K8W...hi. how you doing? xxxx

......Thought i felt a bit better today, so we went out for the day, jus for a stroll round the indoor market.....and there was babies everywhere!!! all i could see was baby stalls!!!!hear babies crying!!!!!  AAAARRRRGGGHHH, So am back indoors with the comfort of FF and a cup of tea.... 
mel xx


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## desigal

Hello Ladies,

Can I join you too? Just had our 3rd negative cycle yday...  feel so empty and lost!!


Dxx


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## bexyboo

K8w - always here babe look after urself xxx

Shell - we've missed u look forward to our chats xxx

Desigal -  so sorry for your awful news!! Of course you can join us were all in this together hope we can support you 

Mel - well done Hunni it is very difficult I feel exactly the same I found it so hard at work Wednesday I'm a receptionist in doctors surgery and it was midwife day do all these pregnant lady's walking through the door really got to me n was struggling not to cry!! I couldn't leave the house for a week so ur doing great!! Will pm u back now xxxx


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## Pixanne

Ladies, just wanted to come and say hi. Let me know if you want me to push off! Just wanted to send you a big hug and offer support. X


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## bexyboo

Thanks pix that's very kind of u! Xx


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## lislou

Hey Ladies

Mel & Bex thank you.
This is my first post since my BFN.   Its been 5 days.
We can help each through it. 
lots of love
lislou xxx


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## bexyboo

Hey Lislou - nice to see u on here sending you lots of love my buddy xxxx


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## shell1362

Hey Lislou... just wanted to let you know that it does get a little easier.

I have found that planning what we  aregoing to do next and getting the wheels in motion for that has helped a little 
We have been advised to do egg donor due to my poor response to the drugs. This is something I am looking into... we are planning to attend a workshop arranged through donor conception network, aswell as counseling. I have just also had blood taken for numerous tests to see if there are any further problems. 

Nothing anyone says can make a BFN any easier to deal with, but it does help sharing your feelings with people in similar situations 

Big hugs to all the ladies, and I have found this site has helped me soooooooo much!


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## melmel

hello ladies...

its so good to see this thread is becoming a nice little hide out for so many of us all.... 
Welcome to all that have joined us here, excuse me for not doing personals right now, but am afraid i really need to do a ME ME ME rant!!!
(sorry)
But my bloody job!!!!!  GGRRRRRRRR

Dh was looking into booking us a week away someplace nice after getting our sad news, so i phoned work to let them know and they have paid me a week holiday when it should of been a week sick, leaving me with only 3 days hol when it should be 8 !!!! how very dare they!!!!
they mess me around so much, i feel like just quitting!!!
and i needed a holiday sooooooo much!!!!

sorry to rant 
mel xxx


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## Graceful_Greebo

Hello ladies,

Mel you are a true super star for setting up this thread and PMing me to invite me along.  It brought tears to my eyes knowing that you still think about me.  My DH said what a wonderful bunch of friends you ladies are and he is so glad that I have you as my friends and confidants.

I hope you ladies are finding the days easier.  I quit my temp job before Christmas, so don't have to face the world very much if I don't want to.  Like you ladies, I find it hard around family.  We are the only children that don't have our own children, so find family gatherings really difficult.

We are having IVF as I had chlymadia when I was younger, although treated at the time it has permanently damaged both my tubes so there is no meeting of eggs and sperm.  It sickens me when I hear all these kids today having un protected sex.  Mine was caused by unfaithful partner!!!!!!!!!!

That was our 3rd cycle of IVF, as we have never got as far a BFP, we are gonna look into why that is and see if there are any tests to find out why.  Meanwhile, we are going to an open evening on 8 Feb to find out about adoption.  Maybe I was never meant to have children, maybe the plan was for me to look after someone else’s!!

Anyway, that is enough rambling.  Time to go back in the loft as we are doing a very long overdue clearout....

Look forward to speaking to you all again soon.

Graceful
x


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## Graceful_Greebo

Mel

Rant away hon, that is what we are here for.

Gx


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## Praying4asibling

Hey ladies,
I just wanted to drop in and say I am thinking about all of you.  You are all such lovely ladies and I just want you all to know that I am always thinking and   for you all.
You will all become a mummy it is just that sometimes the road to becoming a parent is harder for others.  I haven't even made it to ec yet so who knows what the future holds for me but I do know all the feeling you ladies are having are feelings I have had since I started ttc.  Everywhere you go, you see babies or pregnant ladies and even worse is when you see 15 year old kids pushing a pram, dragging along a toddler and a *** hanging out of there mouth! you just think WHY WHY WHY!! 
I hope you don't mind me dropping in, I just want to know I am always here to support you, I know when ever I have needed any of your support you have been there with open arms and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Love and hugs Kxxx


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## bexyboo

Thanks ladies - 

Graceful - missed you babe hope ur ok!!! Xxxx

Freeze - thanks sweet it's nice to know we have some lovely friends behind us xxx


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## talie

Aways a Jellybean   
Hugs with love to all   x x x


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## Loulah ♥

Hi Ladies,
Also posted on the Dec/Jan thread so sorry if you have to read this twice.....

I can't believe how completely gutted we feel, of course we were prepared for it not to work, but it is such a big shock when it doesn't work out. Nothing could have prepared us for feeling so sad, it's like we're moarning








We get 1 more NHS funded cycle, and the clinic advised that they would start us again in a few months (meeting the consultant next week to confirm) which is good as I feel pretty battered, so need some time to recoup. Not sure I could face starting quickly as the thought terrifies me at the moment.
Thanks again. Please god all our dreams will come true xxx


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## emporsz

Hi all what a wonderful thing to do mel and bex for setting up this thread. 

I got my bfn on Saturday and still feeling very low. It was only my first cycle on the NHS, so can't even imagine how some of you must feel after going through it numerous of times. 

I spoke to my clinic today and I have to wait 6 months before I can start my next cycle. I was really upset as it seems like a life time away. 

I'm a teacher and I go back to work on Wednesday I was able to get signed off work for 2 weeks by my GP. I'm dreading going back being surrounded by children. Most of my friends have children too or are pregnant and I feel like I can't be around them. 

I haven't told any of my friends about my treatment so it's really nice to speak to such lovely people on here that understand and are going through the same thing. 

Sorry for the me post, I'm just so glad i can talk to people about my feelings. 

Sending lots of hugs to everyone and hope your feeling ok 
Love Emma xxx


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## bexyboo

Hey loulah - did you have any frosties!? We didn't so we have to pay for our 2nd go and it's so expensive when's your appointment?? Xxx

Emporz - hey babe nice to see u if doing really well chic - it is so hard I struggle to be around my family via they all have kids n I think y me?? I did childcare working on a nursery but couldn't cope looking after other ppls when I desperately wanted my own so your so strong n should be really proud!!

Reality hit me today when o recieved my follow up appointment for our awful news I just can't believe it never worked!! I feel like I've just tried to forget that I even got a BFN!!

Mel - how you doing sweety u sorted out ur holiday? Xxx

Hugs to all my lovely ladies xxxxx


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## Loulah ♥

Hi Bexyboo,

No unfortunately no frosties.  They retrieved 4 eggs, 3 mature and only 1 fertilised.  We are entitled to 2 cycles, although there is a bit of a wait now until May time.    it works next time because yep you are right it is soooo expensive (£4k inc drugs in our clinic) and it will be near on impossible for us to pay that.  Seeing our consultant next week to discuss what happens next.  I suspect that they will up the stims to try and get more eggs.

I noticed from your profile that you are only young (are you  23?), why will they only give you 1 funded cycle?  Sorry if i'm being too nosey 

When's your follow up appointment?


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## bexyboo

Loulah 

Hey hun we only get 1 funded unless we have frosties n the first 1 doesn't work you get 2 frosties I really don't know y but were loong around £6000 n really don't have the money!!

Yeah I'm 24 next month it's awful thou got with my dh when 16 n then married at 19 never used any contraception always wanted a baby from when I was a little girl so if I had got pregnant at a young age I would have been thrilled - didn't expect any other this to happen I'm desperate to be a mummy!!

Appt is 28th and found out on 13th Jan that it was negative is such a long wait!! What part of the country do u live?

Xxxx


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## emporsz

Awh Bex you sound such a strong person though, it will happen for you, you will be a mummy one day and all this will see some how worth it. 


The 28th of feb? That is a really long wait, I have mine on the 17th. I just want to get started again I don't want to wait half a year! 

Where abouts are you having your treamemts? 

Emma xxxx


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## Loulah ♥

Bex - Wow 1 cycle , that's just awful.  I think that it's so unfair that it's different rules for different people.  A friend of a friend who lives in our village had 3 IVF's, but she had to lie and say she lived at her parents address as their PCT funded 3 cycles, she got her BFP on her 3rd go!

Had you thought about appealing to your PCT?  No sure how that works but might be worth a go.  We're in Kent, how about you?

Hi emporsz - Sorry to hear you had a BPN at the weekend too    x


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## bexyboo

Loulah - I live in the midlands - it really is a joke everyone should be treated the same!! It's so unfair 

Big loves that u get ur bfp on ur next go!!! Xxx


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## Praying4asibling

Hey ladies,

I do think it is so unfair how it is a postcode lottery to whether you get 1,2 or 3 tries at IVF!  I live in Oxfordshire and the rules used to be if you was 36 and under you would be entitled to 1 attempt at IVF on the NHS.  I didn't meet my hubby until I was 32, we got married when I was 36 but started trying for a baby about a year before we got married but after several appointments with the doctors and various tests the doctors decided IVF was our only option! BUT by this point I was 1 week into being 37 so found out my DH and I was not entitled to anything! not a penny, we were both totally gutted.  We would of never been able to afford IVf so far this cycle has cost over £6k due to me having to have extra drugs.  Thankfully for me my mum offered to help us out but if this doesn't work then I am not sure what we will do.  I really do think no matter where you live you should be entitled to at least 1 free attempt on the NHS or even a reduction in the cost.  It is like they penalise couples desperate for children, how many people can find £5/6k with mortgages increasing and the country going into a recession you would think they would help us all out a little more .............................

Sorry my rant over but I just feel for anyone who has to pay as most people just cant afford it  

xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## lucemazza

HI Ladies Can I join you.. ??

Im feeling extremely lost at the moment - I remember some of you from other threads so I am hoping you won't mind me joining you all- I got BFP On Thursday started bleeding Saturday still getting BFP but bleeding constantly too - not hopeful. DH saying all the right things but I feel so confused am I arent I.. ?? Just wondered if anything like this has happened to you?..

Im back at hospital tomorrow for 2nd HGC test. not very hopeful tho.

Love to all
Lucemazza


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## munchkin35

Hello everyone,
                        Is there room for a little one?  

Bexyboo - what you said at the beginning about the stork made me cry!
I can sympathise about being in a job which is very difficult at times, I'm a theatre nurse and one of the operations we do are terminations (I haven't had to deal with them, thank goodness, as I refuse to, + work has been very good about that). Hope your work has been a bit better for you + wishing you all the luck in the world   

I just want to send a big hug,  , love  and thoughts to everyone with BFN, I too got a BFP on thurs following a 5th IUI cycle and can totally empathise with you all, its a heartbreaking time for us all.

Lucemuzza - Hope you are ok?  I don't know if this is helps much, but from what I have read on other threads, a lot of woman bleed at this time, stay strong + sending you lots of   

Just wanted to end with:
Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it. It gets dark sometimes, but morning comes, keep hope alive.


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## lislou

morning ladies

Big hugs for you all. xx
Just trying to get ready for work. Its so tough. you just feel like you want to block everthing out and stay at home with your man.
As for the post code lottery its so unfair. We have been try for 10 years. Just thought it would happen one day. Everyone around us was having babies. The about 3 years ago we got referred for test after going through everything they said I was too young. The age you had to be was 35-40. So we carried on trying. Then in July we were told its all changed and you had to be under 35. I had just had my 35 birthday, PANIC......The unit said I had to get my treatment in before December 2010 I had to be taking drugs by then. So I lost a bit of extra weight (3 stone in total) and started my treatment in late November.
January 26 we got our BFN. 
We have our appointment on the 21st of feb.

lots of love and hugs
lislou xxxx


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## Graceful_Greebo

Hi everyone,

There is always room for one more here!

Been feeling down for the last couple of days.  I quit my temp job to do this last cycle and now have to start looking for another job which just compounds the feeling of failure.    I shouldn't have to look for a job, I should be pregnant and staying at home resting.

Sorry all about me.  Bad day.

Love and hugs to you all

Gx


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## lislou

Hi Graceful 

No Need to say sorry. Thats what this is for we need to let it out. 

lots of love and hugs
Lislou


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## Graceful_Greebo

Thanks Lislou.

Went out to the cinema with my friend this afternoon which took my mind off things for a while.

Gx


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## Irish Dee

Evening lovely ladies,

Having had 5 BFNs in a row, I can only hope that our next cycle will bring us the baby we so desire. I came across this a while back and it gives me hope.

Praying for a bumper crop of positive results this year.

Love Dee
***************************
*Just you keep on waiting for me..........*

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.

Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real.
While others around you are succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.

I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistence.
If it were not for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.

In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it.
In the end you just keep on going in the hope that I will come to you, 
the one who deserves me, the one who can love me as no other can.

You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. Just you keep waiting for me.

Author unknown


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## libby29

Oh ladies i feel for you all. I was just surfing the board when i stumbled across you and couldn't just read and leave. I know how you all feel as i my self have had 2 negative icsi's before. Its a horrible time and nothing can compare. Poeple do care but since i finished treatment so many have said they just didn't know what to say as they felt terrible for us and didn't want to upset us. I said it would have been better for them to say something that upset me than nothing at all as it made me feel alone. They said they wish they had but i should have opened up to them and they would have been there in a shot. Please use your family and friends ladies as they love you and you need them. Just text someone close and say i need you to help me feel better today, sometimes they need that push. Don't keep it all inside its nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. We all need it sometimes in our lives! You will come out of this the other side and realise how strong this journey has made you, your all incredibly brave and should feel very proud of your determination. Life can be so unfair and sometimes just makes us want to scream, so scream but don't let it grind you down. Good luck ladies my thoughts are with you all xxxx


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## shell1362

wow, there are so many nice and kind messages on this thread,and it is lovely to read the support.  

I'm still having such a tough time of it at the moment, just had another meltdown . Have told DH I may have to look at a carreer change. I am a nanny, and have been for 18 years....but finding my job so difficult at the moment. It is so hard being around happy mummies all day, and it just seems every group I take my little 'charges' to, I am surrounded by new borns and mummies pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd or 4th kid...it is tearing me up. Dh says deal with it, thats life (maybe not in such an unkind manner). It has never bothered me before with my other BFNs, but this timeI don't know waht it is!

Sorry to waffle on about me, Is there anyone else feeling similar?


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## munchkin35

Shell1362,
                  I totally understand how you feel, what a heart wrenching job to be in while TTC!!! I think there comes a point when we just need to give ourselves a break, it must be agony seeing all those mums all the time. I find it hard to go to the supermarket or any where there are babies/children, when ever I see a pregnant woman smoking I have to restrain myself from shouting at her, or at any parent who is annoyed/shouting at their children!    I want to tell them that they don't know how lucky they are and that I'd give my right arm to be a mum.  
You have to do what feels right for you, and if thats a change in career then go for it, sending you lots of love and positive vibes for the future


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## shell1362

I should really have a good think about it all.  

It upset me today, as we went to a playgroup, and I ws talking to one of the mummies there, pregnant with her 5th. She was asking me about my girls, I explained I ws the nanny. She then asked if I wanted children, I strated my usual 'story'... still young (34!!!!) and enjoying time with hubby etc etc... then just started welling up! And told her everything, my whole journey!! Obviously took her by suprise, and she promptly made her excuses to leave. I stood there feeling so upset, and lonely I guess would be the right word and just like I didn't belong there   

I am just praying it works out for us all! AND when it does I am sure we will all be the most wonderful mummies with soooooo much love to give!


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## Graceful_Greebo

Hi Shell

I admire you for going to work every day.  You are one tough cookie.  I know you say in your post that it is hard, but you are doing it!!! I'm annoyed for you that that woman couldn't take just 5 minutes of her time to console.  I have broken down at inconvenient times and it's not fun trying to explain why.

Hang in there hun.

We will be the bestest mummies in the whole wide world... you wait and see.

Lx


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## bexyboo

Hey ladies - some great support on here the last couple of days! Xx

Shell - ur an inspiration hun - that lady doesn't understand cos she's pregnant with her 5 her reaction was how do I cope with this so she just left I have friends exactly the same they say I can talk to then but when it comes to it they really dint care cos they don't kno how I feel cos they already have kids and they will say some really nasty things not realising I'm baron!! So I always make a point how lucky they are and how they should appreciate them! Ur amazing lady  xxx

Munchkin - hope ur good girl xxx 

Graceful - sending you hugs xxx

Lislou / melmel  both !!! Xxx

Sorry if I missed you - get u next time xxxx


Love to all  xxxxxx


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## desigal

Hello Ladies,

Irish Dee- What a lovely poem..bought  tear to my eye..

The pain just soesn't seem to go away...had our 3rd negative cycle ..planning to get my Immunes checked now...I know there is something wrong with me...after having 2 blasts transferred, we thought we had it in the bag this time, but with another negative staring us in our face, we can't carry on like this and so DH and I have decided to see Dr.G in London, we have a telephonic appointment with him tomorrow,keeping everything crossed..Is any of you planning to go down that route too??

Dxx


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## melmel

hello ladies......xxxx

WOW, look at this thread go..... .....it really is soo wonderfull.... 
Sorry i have not been around for awhile, I think i sort of went into a bit of a denial mode about getting a bfn!!!! so was avoiding FF... 
but more about me in a bit.....
Firstly i jus wanna say hello to everyone, i cant believe how much this thread has grown...
And the love and support here is so heart warming....jeez i been missing out..... 

BEXYBOO.....I've   to...xxx.Sorry sweet, been on a bit of a weird one for a few days!!!  How are you doing Am gonna send u a pm to have a good catch up .....  u.  ......xxx 

GRACEFULLGREEBO.....Hey honey, so glad you came and found us here ....  Hope your feeling better today i know exactly how u been feeling, me to....   Am thinking about changing my job....i go back to work fri and am not looking forward to it to be honest...updating cv today!!! .....big   to you ....xxxxx

SHELL...awww sweet , just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes, i totally understand how you feel....people out there in the world that  are so so lucky to not have to go through the aches, pains and rollercoasters that we do, just dont understand and have no reason to want to understand, its a horrid thing to say but its true....how can they have compassion and empathy for something they dont know anything about or understand..its a scary area for them i spose!! 
I had to call my works the other day and was having to explain about ivf not working and was answered with "oh"..!! then a subject change!!! i reckon i  would of got more compassion out of them if i had said my dog had just died!!!!!   ......xxx 

EVERYONE...else....sorry i haved missed you on personals, but there are so many of us now!!! which is fantastic to see, a shame of course to have to be here but so great to not have to be alone aye...

I am thankfull and so gratefull for all of you lovely ldies here...thankyou so much for being here for me......xxxxx  

AFM..... aaaaaarrrrghhhh its one rollercoaster after another!!! 
Thought i was coping quite well,( but had an inkling it was to good to be true!!!!)  So yesterday it hit me again..its over.it was a bfn!!!.....OUCH...   My mums gone home now to....   Also no holiday for us now...which i am sad about but hey, its a grand that can go towards our next ivf then.....Your whole life jus ends up revolving around bloody ivf!!!!!!..ggggrrrrr....sorry, am gonna stop there b4 i start ranting...again...am getting good at that...   

soo soo much   and   to you all
mel xxxx


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## bexyboo

mel  too!!! pm'd you back im being naught at work and wsoooooo busy lol xxxxxx


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## shell1362

Thanks for all your lovely messages ladies... I think people do not realise how heartbreaking, soul destroying and just plain hard this whole thing is, unless they go through it personally. There really are some insperational women on here, and I hate that we all are going through this, but maybe it whats help make such amazing people!!  

I spoke to my boss today about how I am feeling, she is an amazing boss (her twin girls were IVF, so she totally understands). She said if I needed a break, they would support me, but did not want to lose me as their nanny, as they all love to me bits! That was enough to open the flood gates again. I am going to stick this out, as the girls are amazing, and as DH said.'suck it up'! 

Big hugs to you all xxxx


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi ladies, fellow jellybean here. Can I join you? Just woken up to discover it's bfn again. It's our 2nd go, both using donor egg and sperm but this was fet. Gutted as really thought it had worked. Not much to say at the mo as still very raw but could do with writing it all done soon if that's ok with you? 

Graceful, we are feeling and thinking the same as you. Maybe ivf isn't our journey. It's just so cruel.

Greenie x


----------



## bexyboo

Greenie - hey beautiful all here for you hun - sending you loads of hugs 

Write down what you feel sweet were all in the same boat - n we will all help each other through as much as we can!!

Don't give up hun all things are possible  xxxx

Hello to all the other ladies - how are you getting on / feeling?? Xxzz


----------



## scoobylooby

hello girls...
can i join too please? Had a BFN yesterday after 1st DEIVF and feeling a bit lost and sad. I had a close bunch of pals on here... but they all got pregnant except for 2 of us and the thread has all but stopped.... i keep logging on and there is no one to chat to! I am not sure if i can keep putting myself through all this.... 
think i have one or two blasts frozen, so think that will be the last push.. feeling flat and empty


----------



## melmel

mornin my lovelies.....

SCOOBYLOOBY....So sorry to hear your news sweetness, of course you can join us, we are all in the same boat and all here for each other. I know there is nothing i can say to you right now to make it easier but just remember your not alone...There is a few of us on  this thread, that like you had a a good group of support through a thread and then after a bfn find it hard to go back to it....thats exactly why we started this thread.. and you will find so much love and support here......big   to you.....xxxx

GREENIBOP....so sorry to hear your news sweet, but do know we are all here for you and all going through the same as you....
Come and rant here anytime you need to sweet, i sure as hell do...  Sending you the biggest   ever....xxx

BEXYBOO.....Hey sweetness, How you doing? Been good to catch up with you lately, sorry i became a bit rubbish!!! .....  u lots xx

SHELL....Your so lucky to have such an understanding boss!!  I have just sent my c.v. out as i just cant handle going through another round of ivf and working for such a heartless women!!!!! (sorry, am ranting again...  !!!  )  lol    ..... 

DESIGAL...Hope your app goes well today, let us know how u get on ...xxxx 

AFM...... Feeling quite positve today..thankgod ..lol. Have jst sent my c.v off so fingers crossed for me girls xx 
Clinic called to say our debrief app.  will be sometime in march, hopefully if all goes well with that we will ask if we can start ivf no.3 in october    .. best start saving those pennies.... 

I hope everyone is ok and holding up...  

love to you
mel xxx


----------



## habuiah

Hello ladies
                        Firstly can i just say a big thanks to mel and bex for starting this thread,this is just what we ladies need to share our failed hopes,and new starts, i was in the holiday hopefuls thread during my first cycle of ivf and found the girls there all amazingly supportive, i also got a BFN in DEC and am still struggling to accept it. some days are better than others ,but trying to remain positive for another go, problem now is we cant financially afford to and bank wont lend us any more money, coupled with the fact Ive just turned 41 yrs so don't have much time on my side, i just feel so down right now dont know where to turn to next. xxx


----------



## scoobylooby

Hi habuiah


Know how you feel. We tried to take some cash out of our house a few months back, with no success. We have struggled hard to pay for this last go and we just cannot afford to do this any more    I am 40 ... so like you do not feel i have all the time in the world, and not only that, i cannot revolve my life around fertility treatment much longer for sanity's sake!!


Sorry to hear you are still feeling low.. it can really take a few months to properly get over a failed cycle i think. We all try to be so brave but it is important to grieve.


I have bought lottery tickets today.... you never know eh?  big hug to all you girls xxxxxxx


----------



## susie76

Hi Mel & Bex and the other jellybeans and other lovely ladies.

I'm a fellow jellybean too and had my bad news with the AF starting yesterday and BFN this morning, so not quite making it to OTD tomorrow.  It's just rubbish. 

I see lots of strength through the sadness in the posts here and really think you are all amazing.  I'm not as far into the process as many of you but your strength is inspiring to go on to the next cycle.  I had a few   yesterday and this morning but for now am feeling ok again, i know there will be some more ups and downs though.

Love to you all xxxx


----------



## Gypsy Moon

Hi,


Although I am not a fellow jellybean, I was wondering if you minded if I posted on this topic.  I got my second BFN following ICSI on Christmas Day.  I already knew the result, as even though I managed to make it to OTD without a bleed on my first attempt, I started bleeding five days before this last attempt.


I was working part-time in a pharmacy.  I was very honest with my colleagues and they all knew I was going through IVF and although they said they understood, I truely don't think they did.  Some of the comments, some of the so called "jokey" comments, just seemed a bit cruel, and then there was getting time off work.  The first attempt was fine, we were fully staffed.  But the second attempt, we had lost staff and they hadn't gotten around to finding replacements.  I put my foot down and stuck to my hours but this didn't go down too well.  I also found it hard, because it's a newish housing estate which is still growing with lots of young families, so most of my customers were either pregnant or had small children.  Most of the time I managed to hold myself together, but there were times when I had to fight back the tears.  So after this BFN, I took the bold step of handing in my notice.  I haven't found any work yet, but I'm thinking that I will probably get this next attempt out of the way before I start seriously looking - why add to the stress.  We can just about get by - so I am lucky from that extent.


I have started a fitness regime.  Eating healthly, and now that I am home I can cook our meals.  I used to work some late evenings, and didn't get to eat until late and usually at take-way or something thrown in the oven.  We have a dog, which gets me out of the house and I have also started to run (well, attempt to anyway, I wasn't born to be a runner!).  So far, in a month I have lost 8 pounds.  Some of the pounds that piled on during and after treatment.


We have a review with our Consultant tomorrow.  I have a few questions to ask.  My clinic don't seem to support the immune testing some clinics do but I'm beginning to wonder if it's something I should consider, especially as I had a miscarriage back in 2007 and have never managed to fall pregnant since.  I want to ask whether it's time for us to consider donor eggs or sperm?  I only got four eggs on both attempts.  All four fertilised and were of a good quality the first time, the second time we weren't so lucky and I only had one fertilise properly.


So many questions - just don't know what to do for the best.


Everything that has been said here has hit home.  It's so comforting to know we are not the only ones.  I am beginning to think that I might finally have to give up and come to terms to being childless, as for some reason my DH isn't keen to go down the adoption route.  I really don't know how I am going to cope when I get to that point.  


Anyway had better sign off, I've probably bored you with my waffle and Corrie is about to start.


Gypsy
xxx


----------



## Travel Girl

And another jellybean comes over   

I had my BFN yesterday after a very traumatic week with bleeding since Saturday.  However it was brown/light pink until Weds which really got my hopes up as an implantation bleed.  Then red blood for 2 hours on Weds, then nothing.

Did two tests yesterday on my OTD.  Clearblue digital was negative but on the first response there was a very faint positive which got the hopes up again.  I phoned my clinic and thankfully was able to have a blood test straight away.  I got the results yesterday afternoon.  Yes I had HCG in my system but at 8 it's just too low a level to be a viable pregnancy.  I have to have repeat bloods tomorrow to confirm the HCG is back to zero.  I think this is classed as a chemical pregnancy as it's too early to be called a miscarriage.

I am devastated.  Can't see or speak to anyone apart from DH and parents.  Thank you Mel and Bex for setting up this thread, I feel so lost. The original Jellybean thread is just making me cry so I cannot read anything on there for a few days.  I want everyone to have their BFP and am genuinely pleased for all who have them but in the meantime I feel lost.

I want to try again as soon as I'm able.  I turn 40 in 6 weeks time so I've got to get on with it. DH and me have given ourselves this weekend to grieve and then from Monday we have to move on and get ready for the next treatment.  Am looking in to what I can do to improve egg quality.  I need a focus and if I can lose some weight and get fitter in the process then surely that's good.

Sorry I'm babbling on here.  I'll read back through and do some personals over the weekend.

TG x


----------



## shell1362

Travel girl
So sorry to hear your sad news... there is nothing anyone can say to help the pain go away. But huge hugs to you, I completely empaphise with you . It is good to 'babble on' and let it out, and we all understand what you are feeling and going through, we all need to vent out our frustrations!

I think having a little time to let it sink in, then focusing on what you will do next is a good idea!
DH and I are doing the same, I had my BFN 3 weeks ago, For a week I cried non stop and felt numb (I have never felt so heartbroken in my life) and we are now focusing on and planning our next plan of action (Egg donor), we have started the wheels in motion with that. We have also started cycling and running again, and this is helping massively to reduce the anger and stress I have  !!


----------



## susie76

Hey TG, sorry again for the rollercoaster you have had this week.  We are all here for you.  Take the weekend to focus on yourselves.  Myself and KazzaU are having a G&T toast this evening so am going to be thinking of you too. xxxxx


----------



## shell1362

can I join in the toeast with my bottle of wine


----------



## Travel Girl

I can't do G&T - eurggh!  But a huge glass of wine is in store although not until tomorrow as I have to have the repeat blood test in the morning.  Tomorrow night though out the huge glass comes! x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hey travelgirl, I'm so sorry I was really hoping that you'd get some good news after everything. I feel the same way about the other thread, so pleased to hear about bfp's but each time it happens it seems to tear open the wound. I feel really selfish saying that but it's how I feel.

This was our 2nd attempt. 1st was DEIVF using donor sperm as well. Bfn which broke my heart and if I'm honest, destroyed me. It took a lot to get 'me' back again. 2nd attempt was fet using leftover embryos. I really truly thought it had worked so I felt like my world just imploded yesterday. Feeling brighter today though and my boss and a colleague who were the only 2 we told brought me in wine, chocs and flowers today.

These last 2 years have been so hard. DH was married before but when they found out he wasn't producing sperm his wife left him immediately and within 6 months was pregnant. It's taken him years to cone to terms with it and he was upfront with me. For us, children are a bonus but a desperately wished for. We were trying for a miracle for the last 5 years and when he proposed we decided to go for ivf using donor sperm. We had the go ahead and nhs funding. I was fine, fsh good etc and then we did our seminar day, injection training and schedule etc. We had to sign paperwork and were kept waiting until the end of the day. The nurse called us in and a tear fell down her cheek when she told us my amh was 5 and needed to be 6. Nhs funding pulled and I'd gone from optimum fsh to low fertility amh! My heart broke and I sobbed and sobbed. She retested and was told to pray fir an upturn if 1 and to phone with my day 1 as we had said regardless we'd self fund. Phoned in with day 1 and told amh was similar so would need to self fund. Started pill and waited fir prescription. Embryologist phoned to chat about sperm and said were we still happy to go ahead as amh was undetectable!!!! First we'd heard about it. She was horrified and cried. I fell apart and at that moment discovered that I was predicted to go through early menopause. Dr so matter of fact I wanted to strangle him. 

That's how we made the journey to de and ds ivf. For me it's not about the genetics. I teach enough if it to know it's your upbringing that counts. 

Sorry to go on I just can't believe how it feels like a weight off my shoulder sharing this. Yesterday I was hurt, angry, empty etc but it's getting easier.

Sarah x


----------



## Travel Girl

Sarah - thanks for sharing and opening up.  Must admit I feel a bit brighter after posting earlier.  I don't want people to be in the same boat - you just wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy would you - but I know you all understand.

You're in Devon aren't you?  whereabouts?  I'm just outside Exeter.  
x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

We're in Barnstaple so not far. 

I had a couple of glasses if wine last night and slept from 8.30 until 6.30 which is the first decent night's sleep I've had in ages. This us what this whole process does to you.

We are going to try again in the summer. I want some time off the treadmill. It's so damn hard emotionally and I've forgotten who I am. I'm fed up being 'poor Sarah who can't have kds'. People mean well but they can't help it. Supposed to be going to friend's little girl's 1st birthday party on sun but can't face it. Will say I'm I'll and then tell her after. Don't want to upset her and also have to make her lie to everyone.


----------



## lucemazza

Hi ladies - Can I join you all??  - After a crazy week I have gone from BFP-BFN in 7 days. Its all a little raw have been in and out of hospital having blood tests all week. Got positive test on the 27th started bleeding on Saturday did blood test Sunday and Tuesday and results doubled then yesterday everything came crashing down and they went right down to under 200 so looks like it wasn't meant to be this time. 

I'm so tearful its untrue can't even read a text on my phone without the tears flowing. 

Everyone thinks oh well you will just do it again. Not that simple though is it. I'm in an anger stage today feel like my body has let me down. I can't get pregnant naturally and I cant even hold on to it once its in there.

Hope that by talking to you all I will find the strength to carry on with this crazy journey of trying to achieve my dreams

Sorry for the rant - just wanted to see if anyone else feels the same??. or am I slowly going nuts. My Dr rung today said "come and see me on Tuesday and we will discuss how you will get over your dissapointment" - ughhh I haven't just failed my driving test!.. 

Anyway Love to all you lovely ladies. Hope you dont mind me joining in.

Luce x


----------



## habuiah

HI scoobylooby
                              Thankyou for your reply it means alot to me, am so very sorry to hear you seem to be at the same crossroads as me, its a very  frustrating position  to be faced with ,not being able to have our own child because we cant afford to fund it, and meanwhile the biological clock is ticking away,its took over my life tbh, the constant yearning never goes away , haven't quite felt myself since starting this rollercoaster,seem to have lost my mojo, but on the positive side of things i am very determined to try again, DH asked for extra hours, and Ive just applied for 2nd job to help save up for another round of ivf but in the mean time heres hoping both of us win the lottery eh!lol

hi to everyone, hope you all having a brighter day, i really feel i can express my feelings in here, and share some comfort with you lovely let down ladies, am so sorry for those girls what have just had recent BFN i really do feel your pain, it tugs at my heartstrings everytime,  i try to live in hope that it will happen for us all real soon. xxx


----------



## melmel

hey all...xxx

Have just read back over this whole thread and am now in tears...I want to THANKYOU all so much for all the support, love, compassion and empathy that is going on here....I know none of us wants to have to be here, sharing on this thread but  sadly we are and if anything i am sooooo GRATEFULL that we have this thread now.....It really helps to take my pain away, knowing i can come here and i am not alone anymore....
Its not easy opening up about our hurt and sorrows, but i truely believe by doing so, we are helping each other so much.

Thankyou for catching my tears.
Thankyou for holding my hand.
Thankyou for being here with open arms.
Thankyou for your prayers
And thankyou for giving me the strength and encouragement to carry on with this journey.......

I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU TO......xxxx
mel xxxxx


----------



## bexyboo

Hey ladies - how are you all

Mel - what a lovely post I echo everything you say

Thank you ladies for helping us through these difficult times we are always here for you - n are blessed to ave met such special ppl which we now call our friends - if only of was better circumstances

Now for a me me me - sorry not been on here alot this week have had a very difficult week been sooo low and tearful but doing really well today - I've been looking at the thread everyday!! I'm praying every day for a little miracle 

Love to all xxxxxx


----------



## bexyboo

Morning - found out last night that my Sis in law is expecting her 2nd!! Can't believe it - yh I'm happy for them can't expect them to put there life on holdfor ne but dis upset me as really thought it would have been my turn n to round it all off she's due around tue date I would have been!! 

Sending  to all xxxxx


----------



## Monkey74

Another sad jellybean to join the fold
I've known all weekend but kept having a glimmer of hope it might have worked but three days of negative tests have ground me down and now I have to go to work. 
I've been reading the posts on here over the weekend and you are all amazing ladies. Tried to post but for some reason it didn't work. Think I will get more sad as it sinks in


----------



## bexyboo

Monkey - sent u a msg on other thread- sending you love and hugs and were here for you!!!  xxxx


----------



## mrs macca

hi ladies can i join you please my test dates tomorrow but nasty af has showed up in full force this morning  
im feeling so down and deflated    but hopefully will be able to pick myself up soon an try again

im so glad this thread is here because i feel so alone  
lots of love mrs macca xxx


----------



## Phatty

today was my otd and I was supposed to do a blood test at the clinic but I didn't bother to go! Just did a (useless)hpt at home. dh has been so good and supportive but made me feel so sad when he said ''we seem to have such bad luck don't we'' in reference to our 4th bfn. Knew since thurs as started bleeding. Was so difficult and then a new friend who knew what we were going through told me she was pregnant after only trying for 7 months(and thinking that was long! try more than 3 yrs lol)..I was so shocked and hurt, felt like she was rubbing it in. been ignoring her calls and when she didn't get it, I finally sent her a txt telling her I needed some space. I knw I sound terrible but I swear I'm not!!

Sorry to hear all of your news, I know exactly how you feel and I think you're all so strong. Even when you don't feel like you are, just the fact you're making plans to get back on this journey shows you are, or getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. I pray we all get our happy endings and that we find our inner strength

I think I'm done with the meds and procedures(might change my mind, who knows) and just want to focus on natural remedies for now. Ladies please don't give up, it will be our turn soon. And keep trying itm, doctors aren't God, how dare they tell us we've got 1% or any % chance!!


----------



## melmel

Mornin ladies,
just wanted to pop in quickly to ground myself really. Dh is taking me into town today for a spot of retail therapy...  Bless him..  
I am really looking forward to it but already feel a bit shakey about seeing pregnant ladies or young mums dragging there toddlers about!!!!! Somedays it doesnt bother me at all and then other days i feel drowned and suffocated by it all....
Does this ever get any easier?!!!! 

I hope everyone is well and holding up..xx  

much love 
mel xxxx


----------



## lucemazza

Hi all.

Melmel a day retail therapy be nice. I felt the same yesterday went to puck Dh from station and bumps and buggys everywhere - sat with tears rolling in the car. Try and enjoy your day and think positive. Your time will come and the waiting makes our babies extra special and much loved and wanted.

I am off to the dr's today to discuss "my little disappointment" as he put it?.. So I got a positive test and  a week later told I had lost my much wanted babies  I know not as distressing as miscarriages at 7mnths but still cannot face people at work or even read sympathy texts on my phone gets the tears rolling.

Ladies hope together we will get there in the end.
Love
Luce

Wish me luck I think I am going to need it!..


----------



## bexyboo

Lucemazzer - how did it go babe!! You don't need luck all things are possible n we will get our dreams soon!! Sensing you massive hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Monkey74

Luce how was your appt? 

Melmel might be better if someone sunny answers your question. I'd be tempted to say it doesn't get easier. I was in pieces over seeing someone pregnant this morning and I have a child. I just think it's so [email protected] that there are all these wonderful potential mothers trying desperately hard to get pregnant and then all these awful peoe with kids who don't appreciate what theyve got

Bexy it's so hard when family members get pregnant isn't it. My younger brother managed 2 abortions and 2 kids whilst I was trying (different girl friends)  They announced the second child on Xmas eve about 10 minutes before I was going to tell them we needed fertility tx and donor sperm. They didn't get quite the reaction they were expecting to their "happy" news! 

I'm writing this walking down street on phone so should be quick!

What I wanted to ask is how soon after otd/ stopping the cyclogest did you get AF? 

Love to all my jelly beans. Hope you are not too sad xxx


----------



## bexyboo

Monkey - hey sweet - my AF started before otd I started 4 days before!! When was otd? U could be pregnant ur hormone levels may not have detected it!! Xxxx


----------



## scolli

To all you wonderful girls on this thread I have read through all the messages  and have been in tears reading them as when you fail you feel so alone & angry and you forget that there are others in pain at the same time as you are and reading your comments has helped me feel less lonely and upset


We are at the end of our journey - this year is our Silver Wedding anniversary & I was really hoping for some magic to give us a really special celebration but again we received a BFN at the weekend - this is our 8th attempt - the first 4 in my 30's were with my own eggs all disasters for various reasons and each time self funded as every time they changed the rules we kept missing out due to either location or age!


The last 4 in my 40's have been donor eggs through a wonderful caring clinic in Spain - this time it was 2 frosties and the clinic ( & we ) were convinced it was going to work this time as everything was  so right - it's just so horrid to see that single pink line when you are so desperate to see two and you get that sinking feeling that yet again my body has let me down. Only our parents know that we are still trying - our friends think we gave up years ago and would be horrified to think we are still so desperate to be parents so we don't have anybody to share our feelings with.


We still have 2 frosties left but really don't know what to do - we have spent so much over the years we really can't afford to do any more so these will be our last ones but do we risk my body letting us down or should we even consider a surrogate who might just be able to bring them to life - I really don't want to give up on myself but I'm starting to think that somebody some where is telling me enough is enough - I still believe that I was meant to be a mother but was probably born 10 years too early as I am sure in time there will be more answers to help those that need it


To all of you on this thread please stay strong you are all still young and have time to get it right so hold the dream and I pray that one day your turn will come 


Thank you for reading - just writing this out has helped me so much


Scolli x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

monkey - I came on 3 days after OTD and stopping cyclogest.

Scolli - what a journey. I really do wish you all the luck in the world as you decide on your next turn.

xxx


----------



## lucemazza

Hi all 

Its so nice to have people to talk to that are going through the same things gives me a little hope and strength to carry on.

Scolli what a journey.Hope whatever you decide you will achieve your dreams. I feel the same hate myself for the fact my body can't seem to do its job properly. 

MelMel how was the shopping day hope you enjoyed it ands treated yourself to something nice.

Well my appointment at the dr's wasn't exactly great. He said "I should get back to normal asap", that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and that I have a good ten yrs in me yet. I said I will be bankrupt if I keep going that long. Then gave me a week certificate as said "oh clearly you are quite upset a week should be time to get over it."  - yes he was a man and yes old!. Clearly as no idea how I feel.

I have decided a need a plan.. something to focus on to help me think I am being positive. What the plan may be I don't know. Can't decide whether to try frozen?. Any advice?. 

I haven't got AF yet stopped cyclogest on Thursday. ??. 

Love to all
Luce


----------



## talie

Hi Ladies,

Hope you don't mind me popping in to say hi, tell me to push off if you want to.

just wanted to say hello to my fellow JellyBeans and non JellyBeans to tell you your never far from my mind and please don't give up on the dreams!! and to be persistent with treatment as it will play off and you will be called MUMMY!!! 
After having two mc I said I can't go through this or put my lovely DH through this again but we did and you do to get your wish.

our babies are so special they are worth waiting longer for thats all   

mel and Bexy love you my beautiful gals x x x 

wish all of you all the luck in the world 
talie x x x


----------



## bexyboo

Thanks Talie - your always welcome 
What a lovely msg!! Love you too beautiful xxxxxxx


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

hi ladies, hope you are keeping well. We have really been struggling with our grief and have kept ourselves to ourselves. Feel our luck is changing a bit as have accepted an offer on my old flat and today we brought home our 2 adopted furbabies - alfie and winnie. They are crazy but adorable 7 month kittens! Hoping the house survives.

We are having a few ivf-free months and then going back to Cyprus for final fresh attempt.

Hope you are looking after yourselves xxx


----------



## bexyboo

Greenie - everyone deals with it I'm there own different way - we will always be here if u do need us!!

How much Is it in Cyprus if you don't mind me asking??

Hope everyone else is doing well xxxxxx


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi bexy, for fresh donor egg and sperm ivf cycle it's 4800euro


----------



## lislou

Afternoon Ladies  



I have me consultation follow up appointment in Monday hoping this will help us move forward and plan what to do next.

xxxxxx


----------



## lucemazza

Hi Ladies - I have my follow up on Thursday - should of been day of my 7week scan. Ohh well. Hoping to get some answers and decide where we go next.  Havent gone back to work since told It was a miscarriage - or not viable whatever you like to call it. Going back next Wednesday tho not looking forward to it. 
Hope you are all doing okay. 

Anyone do anything nice for valentines?.. We are celebrating at the weekend with a day out somewhere and a romantic meal. 

Was wondering if anyone is planning on trying frosties?.  be nice to know your thoughts.

Take care everyone
Confused and bit miserable Luce


----------



## Praying4asibling

Another jellybean crosses over! Bfn confirmed today x


----------



## melmel

hey all xxx

FREEZE.... am so sorry to hear your news honey, i know there is nothing we can say to take your hurt away, but just know we are all here for you xxxx

EVERYONE ELSE...sorry for the lack of personals.. I hope you are all well ...xxx

AFM..Was just popping in for a rant really...   Just found out second hand (through ** ) that my best friend is pregnant again wiv no.3 !!!
Am obviously really happy for her, but just wished she had told me!!!!
The way i have worked out the dates, it looks like she had just turned 3 months as i was finding out it hadn't worked  
So i understand that she would find it hard to tell me.... but would of rather known than find out on **!!!!
Am so happy for her but feeling very flat now........is that selfish of me ??
We have had a weird road together when it comes to pregnancy....When i had my eptopic yrs ago she found out she was pregnant and kept it from me for so long!!!!!
I know she is only trying to protect my feelings, but it doesnt help by keeping me in the dark, if anything it makes it worse!!!
Why do ppl pussyfoot around us so much?? 
I just dont get it
BIG.......SIGH.......   
Rant over
mel xxxx


----------



## bexyboo

Mel - hey sweety - that is exactly why I have deleted **!! My Sis in law is pregnant too die the same time mine would be they told me first but now seem to splash everything all over ******** n I can't cope it's hard enough as it is!!!
Hope ur ok - just remember you don't want her baby u want your own and it will happen I just know it will!!

Freeze - so sorry Hunni we love you

Afm - I've Been so possitive it's mad I truley believe I'm going to be blessed with a beautiful baby!! I'm currently waiting for AF to arrive I'm on day 32 at mo so going to wait till sat n if no sign think I will test!! All things Re possible n I'm not giving up hope n faith

Love to you All xxxxx


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## Praying4asibling

Lisa lou I have just booked my follow up app for the 17th of March, can you give me an idea of what they discuss at the appointment as I just want to know what to expect.

xxxxxx


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## susie76

Hi Freeze, i already went in for mine last week - i had a list of questions with me written down which i think is a good idea as otherwise your mind starts racing and you forget.
They discuss all the history of the treatment, whether the drugs worked well, what they might change next time, how we should consider timing for next cycle, all the stats for follicles flushed out and eggs collected, what was their quality and maturity etc and then answered lots of questions i had.  It was all very useful, apart from the slightly insensitive comments that i got (sorry i had a rant on the jellybeans thread last week!).
Good luck.

Bexy - love your positive attitude - you never know!!

xxx


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## Praying4asibling

Hey susie what did they say that was insenstive?  Are you at OFU ??

xx


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## susie76

Hi Freeze, click into my posts and you can see my rant from last week!  The choice comments were "wouldn't want to leave it too long incase you don't have any eggs left"  after i found out i have close to borderline/high FSH and when i asked whether we should just go back to natural trying for a bit given hubby's much better sample.  And then "we can't plan this around your lifestyle choices" when i was talking through potential dates for next treatments and the fact that i had a work trip in the diary at the same time the scans would start.  grrrr!  still haven't had a chance to talk hubby through it as he just got back from australia and has been too jet-lagged in the evenings - hopefully we'll come up with more of a plan at the weekend.  In the meantime i'm putting lots of positive energy into getting a natural bfp this month!! 
xxx


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## nutmegs

Hi All,

was wondering if i could join your thread?? had a BFP last Friday then started bleeding yesterday   been to the hospital today and it is a BFN      - looks like a chemical pregnancy

Feel OK today (well better than i thought) but i dont think i have ever cried so much from 12 noon til about 9pm (then i fell asleep) 
just nice to chat to other people who are going through the same thing



nutmegs xxx


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## bexyboo

Hi nutmeg - of course u can join us if only it was better circumstances I'm so sorry to hear your news sending you loads a love n hugs

Were all strong ladies here and are wonderful friends xxx


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## Scottish chick

Looks like I'll be joining you also girls, had two bfps sun and mon, got up at 4 to find dime blood in loo, did a test and my bfp is fading. Very slight line but I know it's over. 
I've never hurt so bad. Can't face work today. 
Be back later. Hope all you girls are ok xx


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## LadyKtcuddles

Hi girls, is it ok if I join you all? Feeling a little lost and lonely right now.  

Ktcuddles


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## nutmegs

Hi ktcuddles

welcome xxx 

dont feel lost my lovely


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## bexyboo

Hey ladies 

Sending you all loads of love  

Xxxxxxxx


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## lislou

Morning girls

Hope you are all well. Has everyone made plans on what to do next?
I just cant seem to get out of this low I am feeling could do with a bit of help.
xoxoxox


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## lucemazza

Hi Ladies. - hope everyone doing okay. Lislou - its really tough when things don't work out the way we all hoped. I think it takes a while to think of what to do next. We have decided to try frozen we only have three so not feeling too hopeful tbh. I have been having acupuncture and this awful tea stuff you have to boil,  but only been twice and feel a lot more positive and happier than I did the beginning of the week. Maybe all in my head but give it a go. 

Freeze somewhere on here is a list of ?'s to ask at follow up appointment I found quite helpful - I will PM you if I find them. We discussed egg quality - did I have too many was there anything they would do different ie drugs etc, then of course next plan of treatment.

Lots of Love to all.. DH gone to footie so I am keeping busy and cleaning kitchen cupboards joy.
Luce


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## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi Ladies,

I have found that making a plan has really helped me and us to get over the disappointment. Our plan is to take 6 months off and we are going back to Cyprus for a fresh Donor embryo cycle in August. We have agreed that this will be our last fresh attempt for now (we may change our minds in the future). If it doesn't work and we get some frozen embies as we did this time then we will have an FET and then after that we will pursue adoption. It sounds so clinical and clearcut but I like to be organised, plan ahead and know where things are headed - its how I cope. I feel a lot more settled and at peace now we have a plan. For me, I really can't keep going through this time after time. I found this time so hard. The drugs played havoc with my body and my emotions and the BFN cut me to the core. That combined with losing our beloved furbaby nearly finished me off. We basically disappeared from friends for 3 months during the whole process and its only in the last week or so that we have felt brave enough to tell friends what we have been through. They are sympathetic but as i pointed out to them(in a nice way), they have their family and its almost impossible to understand what we all go through when you have no experience of it. We have also adopted 2 kittens who are running riot in our house, but we wouldn't have it any other way. This website has been a real life saver. Especially this forum where we can vent our spleens without feeling guilty for feeling the way we do. 

I said to my DH yesterday that I refuse to accept that we will not have a family. We may not have one the conventional way but we will damnwell do everything in our power to have one. If all else fails then we have a plan to work hard and save and then go part time and enjoy life. As I said before, planning like this is my way of coping.

Lucemazza - I am going to give acupunture a go for the next cycle. I've heard fab things about it. I am also taking up Zumba and Yoga - I am really going for a healthy mind and healthy body approach. 

I hope you lovely ladies are looking after yourselves nad your DPs. Life really is s*** sometimes but we're getting through this set-back and it will only make us stronger.

Lots of love to you all

Greenie x


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## Samuel Jackson

Hi everyone

Is there room for another one??  We had a bfn on 14th February.  I do reconise a few names on here from other threads (shame its because of the bfn's). Hi to you all x

Sad that everyones going through such a bad time with our negative results, but really nice we have such a great place to come and rant/cry/shout etc to get it out of our system.

Hope your all having a lovely Sunday, me and db have just come back from having sunday lunch, 3 courses so little bit full now.

Take care all xx

Sam xx


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## roxychick121

Hello Everyone, 


I have searched around for someone to talk too and here you all our   


What a rollercoaster we have all been on, this was my 2nd icsi cycle in the space of a year, and to be quite honest i think its aged me about 10 yrs    


I feel like a failure that it hasn't worked, i hate the thought of going back into my work today and having to hold my head up high and pretend that all is ok when inside my heart is breaking. I feel like I am walking about the place in a world of my own i am just so lost in what has just happened    and cant think what i want to do next.


i do however no i cant afford another cycle for quite some time financially and emotionally i cant do it for a wee while.


Its nice to be able to come onto a site that doesn't involve 2ww anymore i was killing myself going onto every morning   


Wishing you girls much luck in what ever journeys you are going to take, i have booked a holiday for june so that is my plan to keep me going until then xx


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## bexyboo

Welcome roxy and sam to the gang - so sorry about yr bfn 

We are all here for each other through the hard tough stressful lonely and difficult times and we will still be here when we get our dreams of bfp!! And little bundle of joys 

Repeat after me!!! I am strong! I'm going to be a mummy! And everythings going to be perfect!! 

And it will happen - unfortunately were the lot that has to walk with faith and hope in our hearts and try everything possible but we will all get there in the end!!!And we will have made some quality friendships along the way - and our babies will be brought up with the most loved and wanted parents they could ever wish for!!!

I kno financially Its really hard - me n my dh would like to start again in august and 2 save £5000 is an awful lot of money but we will do it we will skimp n save on everything making our dreams possible and if we aint got the money in august we will have to wait till we have! Were trying to save for a deposit on a mortgage to I look around my home n I'm paying for dead money to live in rented accomendation so if we can save n do it we will be really blessed !


Hope u are all ok??

Love to u all xxxxxx


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## charlotte80

I thought i'd join the BFN club.
Roxychick - I know how you feel, we had our first ICSI in July/August and just completed the second - its been a tough 6 months. I tested yesterday and had to be brave and go to work. I teach 5/6 year olds and had to put on a brave face as only two people at school knew. I wiped my tears before I entered the building and held it together all day. We are now waiting for our next appointment on the 16th to discuss what happened and where to go from here.
Wish I could book an exotic holiday away but unfortunately my husband can not go aboard due to the stem cell transplant he had in November. Hopefully we will get some good news for the first time in two years on Monday when my husband gets his results and I hope and pray they say the cancer has gone.
Sending you all


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## Graceful_Greebo

Sorry I haven't posted for a while... back at work and finding it all so hard..... and then this morning got a letter from Barts changing my follow up appt from April to JULY.... How can they mess with my life like this??  Or is it coz they know that we're not entitled to any more treatment we're not important!!!!

I know I don't get any more goes on the the NHS, but it would be nice to have a conculsion with Barts and not to drag this on any longer.

I saw my GP the other week and pratically begged him to refer him to Southend hospital to have some tests to find out why I can't get a BFP!!! This is all so frustrating... yet again I feel my life has been put on hold!!!!

Sorry for this being all about me....

Graceful x


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## Praying4asibling

Graceful I can understand you being so upset. We are waiting for our follow up app and for us the wait is a month so to make you wait so long is unfair! Whether you are nhs or private youneed a conclusion. Call your clinic and ask if you can see someone else for your Fu app. This is your life they are messing with. Be pushy with them hon xxxxx


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## Monkey74

Hi
How is everyone feeling now?
I see already got one new success massive congrats Luce. 

Well my follow up appt was actually quite good as they suggested ivf lite which is half price. Dh had said no more but after a lot of sole searching I'm going to do it anyway. I've lost stone and a half since march to get bmi down to 25 and taken out new credit card and going to give it a go next month. Decided no point saving for two years as will be 40 plus still paying back 7k from last time. May as well keep going on borrowed money and pay it all back till I'm 50!

Hope you are all well and coping xxxxx


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## jack12

hello everyone....i stumbled across this thread and feel this is where i need to be. My last bfn was feb after a FET using embies from ex. He now wants to destroy the last frostie we have. Went clinic and signed for this to go ahead, all whilst my heart was breaking in two!!!! Feel so very down at the moment and just feel noone understands. Became auntie AGAIN last week, which is wonderful, but just brings back memories of what ive lost this last couple of years. Why is life so cruel? just down on things at the moment.....xxx


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## MrsPootle

I too have stumbled across this thread - I had a BFN on May 18th.

Jack12 - words can't say anything adequate to heal the pain you must be going through so I'm sending you a big hug     You're clearly a very strong lady and all I can say is try to focus on being kind to yourself.

I'm 36 and just had my last NHS funded cycle.  So it's now adding on "financially draining" onto the list of things the process of IVF can do.  I feel up and down, but what I can't get my head around is how my fertility treatment/problems is on my mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I'm worried about getting depressed, was thinking about taking St John's Wort, but apparently this shouldn't be taken within 3 months of trying.  I'm all on for a plan to restart in Aug/Sept this year - but I don't know what to do about work.  I need to lose about a stone to get me nearer to a 25 BMI, but it all seems a bit overwhelming.  I've got a week away next week (walking in the Lakes) so I'm focussing on that.  The work issue is I've taken a move of job to something less stressful, but I'm bored.  I want to find something between my stressy job and the boredom, but I don't trust myself to not get wound up if I take on more responsibility.

Anyway, writing it down has made me feel better.  I do feel hopeful in other ways - I do at least have a plan, but the thought that this might never work, or I might have to do as many IVF cycles as I can afford over the next 3-4 years scares me.  Each BFN seems to take a part of me away that I can't replace.


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## jack12

hello mrs pootle. firstly can i say how sorry i am to learn youve had a recent bfn. I can totally understand how you feel about ivf, the cost, the effect on your relationships, the emotions.....it is only what i can describe as a living hell. my feeling on it is that we dont 'live' during all this, we merely exist!! Think you are in a place right now like i was where everything seems disjointed, where you perhaps feel nothing is going right. Think during treatment, our minds wander to a happy place during the 2ww where we dare allow ourselves to hope, then in a heartbeat, it is taken away from us and the carpet is swept from under our feet and we are left bereft. We no longer have things to plan for and such things as our careers and even planning hols etc pale into insignificance as we want to think about having more treatment. I feel ivf has shaped my life over the last few years and has totally changed me as a person and how i view life. I suppose it rules us doesnt it? As for you feeling depressed, i think you probably have had a low lying depression all throughout and now the bfn has triggered an exacerbation. I do feel and recommend that you treat the mind before embarking on your next cycle as that is THE most important thing. Please do PM me if you want to chat or need some support. Much love xx


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## Amy35

Hey Jack and Mrs Pootle ,

I too have stumbled over this, it is the first time i have been on this since my negative on 6th May, 8 days before my OTD. I would like to say i feel quite pragmatic but I am not in good place either, this is too hard. It's not really the negative for me ( i had a feeling a couple of days after that it hadn't worked ) but that has triggered the looking at the future and thinking i can't do this childless. I am trying to focus and think of other good things but the usual things that keep me resilliant aren't working. Part of me thinks go with it, give yourself a timeline to end this feeling but not a lots helping. My friend has been through this twice and as much as I love her, she is being quite preachy and the 'expert' in the situation which is driving me nuts. I don't want to talk about it as it hurts, not because I am angry or whatever and she doesn't seem to understand. I have had all sorts of odd thoughts about my husband and my future and I am sure they will pass, but I am in a bad place right now. Seeing your two's messages made me feel not alone and my heart goes out to you both it truly does.  
Jack 12 I don't know how you are doing it, you truly are a strong and amazing woman   Mrs Pootle, hugs to you to, nothing quite prepares you heh. I too am nearly 36, our poor old eggs eh! 

I have my wtf appointment on Friday and I am hoping that after this will be a turning point. 

Sorry for being me me me

Big love
x


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## dreamer01

Amy35   i hope u r ok. I started bleeding last tue, 8DP 5DT OTD today and was negative, but iv known since last wk it didnt work. What sacres me the most is that it will never work, After an ectopic we tried for two yrs, eventually fell pregnant on our 6th Clomid cycle, only to have a miscarrige...been trying ever since and nothing..!st ivf fails...i dont know if its ever going to happen and the thought of never being a mummy is heartbreaking xxx


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## Han72

Huge  all round girls. I just wish I had something more useful to say  

xxx


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