# Friends



## Guest (Jul 26, 2007)

Hi Ladies,

I really hope you will all be understanding of me posting here and I am very worried that I may offend some of you by doing so....therefore, in advance I am sorry 

Basically I need some advice and having spent time here I know how wise and understanding you all are and that I can rely on you all to be very honest, and although as my profile states I am not (quite) done with treatment....this is the board I feel most at home 

Where do I start...

I have a best mate we have been best of friends since we were 16, insperable and would speak everyday, girlie's holidays together, chief bridesmaids for each other, we are god parents to their first son....you name it we have done it together!

Our friendship was put under a great strain when we started ttc at the sametime (her name is Nikki), Nikki and her DH fell pg in the first 6 months. After 3 months of trying and Nikki's periods being very long she they decided to see a private consultant and she caught on her first cycle of clomid. This is Nikki, at the time (for 6 months!) she was terrified she wouldn't be able to have children and it consumed her life.

Their first child Zak was born, and by this time DH and I began to realise we might have an issue 

Throughout all of the testing, IVF cycles etc Nikki was hugely supportive, (OK maybe mentioned a few too many times that she knows how she felt when they were struggling and if my position she would do A.Y & Z  ), but overall always there for me.

As life continues she became really good friends with another friend who had a first (& then second) baby at the sametime, and I on the other hand became good friends with another person who also had been through IVF and was suffering the heartache of IF, so our contact with each other became less and less.

Nikki became pregnant for the second time last year (second month of trying & no clomid) and now has another beautiful son Finn. I struggled massively when she was pregnant the second time, as did she with me, and I can only put this down to the fact that at times I was too honest with her about how I felt about things. But thats me I am a very honest person, and probably definitely wear me heart on my sleeve too much.

The last time I saw Nikki was in February when I went over to see her and the boys, it was very hard and I felt very uncomfortable.....I can't explain it I just felt like she just wanted to know who was pg and who wasn't and touch on all the subjects that are hard for me to talk about.....as if being around her two lovely boys wasn't hard enough!!

Anyway, a lot has happened recently in my life and I have fallen out with a few friends (won't bore you with the details) and it made me think more about Nikki and how she is good genuine friend and would always be there for me, so I thought that I really needed to make the effort, stop being selfish about my jealousy and save our friendship.

Going back to February, Nikki must have sensed something up back then because I haven't heard from her at all and I didn't contact her. Anyway, I text her a few weeks ago and asked if we could meet up and catch up.....no response. Then I text her last week and asked her if she fancied going horseriding (I have had my horse almost a year and she hasn't seen him).....again no response. It has really hurt me, how can she just ignore me?! After 16 years of friendship just chose to forget I exist cause I am a high maintenance friend & not a member of the 'with kids club' like the rest of the world.

So after fighting a further response for a long, long time....today I cracked and sent this: "I am very upset & hurt that u can ignore my texts & efforts 2 remain friends. I am sorry if u feel i haven't been there 4 u and ur boys, but not being able to have children is heartbreaking. I have tried & admit I have struggled but i would NEVER just ignore u! Maybe its true u do find out who ur real friends r in times of need. All the best x"

Am I the only person that has lost friends over IF? Sometimes I just feel like the most selfish person in the world, any advice from you wonderful ladies would be appreciated.

(sorry its so long, I feel better for getting it all out though!)

Love Jode xxx


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## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Jodie

You are going through such a hard time just now , I can totally empathise with you in that I am in a similar situation.  Its so hard when a close friend such as Nikki seems to just not get it about how heartbreaking it is to go through ivf treatment and come out with nothing at the end of it except grief, sadness, hopelesness/to go through ivf treatment like you have so many times.  I had a friend who I thought understood my IF issues however, she became pg very easily naturally and has been insensitive to me ever since.  It has really shocked me as she saw what I went through with my failed ivf attempts including a miscarriage.  I havent seen her for three months, only really texted her here and there; I have told her in texts that I am going to find it very painful meeting her especially with her bump which I imagine will be huge now; she showed no empathy to this/has ignored my texts.

You are not selfish jodie; god if anything you are trying to be a friend to Nikki; You are a very brave person after everything you have gone through and it says something about your character to have continued to offer friendship to Nikki.  it seems that when women become pg they cannot see beyond their pg/are full of the joys/the world just seems to love pg women;  in comparison women like us have to go about our grief silently, live in a world full of pg women, babies and families;  I honestly can say that since being on this ivf journey (for over 2 years now) I have lost friends who I have found out are not true friends at all, as they have shown no sensitivity towards my situation.  It sounds like Nikki is caught up in the world of motherhood and maybe doesnt realise how she is being towards you?; also she may just not know what to say to you for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I'm seeing a counsellor in relation to my IF and anger that I am feeling towards the friend I mentioned above.  Counsellor advised that women who are pg are trying to protect their baby and just cant image our situation. I guess it may be the same for women who have become mothers??

I'm probably not being very helpful Jodie as I've just had counselling today which has left me feeling all over the place.  I hope that Nikki will be in contact with you, you have had such a long close friendship, the ball is in her court now, you have done what you can.  Take care of yourself, remember you health and well being is paramount

Take care

Meerkatz x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jodie, 

Though this isn't a cheery thought, I'd say you would be more unusual if you hadn't lost friends through your IF journey, than if you say you have. It is a bizzare, depressing and curious truth that motherhood, and the being or not being of it, seems to really and truly divide women, even after so much so-called civilisation. I have lst two very lngstanding friends through this, and I know countless other stories....

I say all this for one reason only - to let you know that you are not alone, you're not a failure at friendship, and that you haven't been unreasonable. Far from it, you have tried repeatedly to put your pain to one side in order to be there for someone else. If that hasn't been appreciated, well.....

My general experience is that the parenting universe is so utterly terrified of how itmigth feel to be 'us' that they don't allow themselves to go there, in their minds or feelings, at all. The net result of this is a lot of insensitivity in our direction, while we all try to be mindful of how others feel around us! 

So, and there's no real wisdom in what I say, all I can suggest is that you cut yourself some slack, let it go if you can for now, and see how it looks in a few months time. 

Be easy on yourself!

Lots of love, 

MM xxx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Jodie

I think that people who haven't been through IF don't really understand what we go through and what we'd do to have a child.  A couple of my close friends have children and although they mean well, sometimes they just don't understand. One of my best friends told me she was pregnant the day after our IVF cycle failed, I was devastated but also glad that she had told me.  I'm going to see her tomorrow for the first time and hope that it won't be too hard to deal with.

I believe that as you go through life friends change, you have friends from school, work, friends of friends, people you meet through DH, some of these go on to become close to us forever, some do and then for various reasons drift away again.  The main thing is to be yourself.  If a friend is a true friend they will always be there for you.

Not sure if my rambling helped, but just wanted to say you're not alone.  

x


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I've lost friends also, and avoided making new ones who are parents.  

(and i also had a friend who would tell me that she knew how I felt,while bouncing her child on her lap, because it took  her a few months longer than she thought to get pg.   We don't talk anymore)


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

I lost a good friend too.

She seemed so casual about the whole thing, never once asked how I was, or offered support. She seemed to be incapable of even imagining that IF could even hurt..even just a bit.

In contrast, one of my best friends who I am still very fond of and miss deeply, has taken it so much to heart that she cannot think what to say to me or how to even be in touch. We have not spoken for 3 years, and except for one letter and christmas cards I never hear from her.

My mum said to me that in life we find that some friends who are able to support us brilliantly at one time will be useless at others, and some friends who are good at being supportive about one kind of problem, will be rubbish at others. her advice was not to deliberately sever ties, but to let 'sleeping dogs lie', and one day a friend you had completely given up on will suddenly come up trumps. 

This actually was the case recently when a wonderful friend of mine who was a towering rock of support during tx has sort of withdrawn from me, but another friend who I have been close to since we were four, suddenly came back on the scene after about 5 years of barely being in contact. The timing was so funny, just as one seemed unable to help anymore, the other one reappeared.

I hope that a rock of support will appear for you, and that those not able to hold you up right now will lie quiet until they can find it inside themselves to be really supportive.

hugs to you. sorry if I've waffled!

XXX


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Jodie

A heartfelt post from you there... and I can see many have been in similar circumstances. 

For me personally the saddest thing about all this IF (and in my case babyloss) has been the way those I thought were friends have either vanished or turned out to be as supportive or understanding as a stick of celery.

I remember all too clearly various incidences and conversations with various so called friends who dropped me like a hot potato once they had conceived successfully. It was almost like they didn't want to be tainted by 'bad luck' in the preggers department with me around. Perhaps thats an exaggeration there, but thats how it felt like at the time for me, I didn't understand what it was I had 'done' to any of them - fact was I hadn't done anything, they simply didn't know how to deal with me or relate to me now they were on their way to starting a family.

I've had various comments over the years regarding my lack of offspring, all the 'top tips' you can imagine from people and have lost count of the insensitive comments. I've been shunned, ignored and passed over by 'friends' who have had their families as we have nothing in common with them any more. That includes family also! 

Well, I'm not a person to take things like this lightly and I'm glad to say I found the inner strength to say my piece to almost every person who has caused upset or offence to me - if there is one thing IF has taught me that is to hold my head up high and take care of myself and be counted! In the midst of your heartache you have also communicated this with your 'friend' as well via text.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't contact you - sweetie she sounds like she is way off your radar, and cannot imagine anything what your life is like. People can be funny critters - one of my so called 'friends' was jealous of the time I had to 'pamper myself' (yeah right! I work full time and long hours, often unsociable, am out of the house way too much and feel there are never enough hours in the day)! whilst she had 2 little 'uns to run around after. I explained to her that although I appreciate her life is totally different to mine, it doesn't give her the right to assume I lead a charmed exsistance, that its knackering being me on occassion and that there are certain times in the year (such as christmas etc) that I would give my all to be able to trade places with her. Turns out she never planned on having kids and they were both mistakes - but that didn't give her the right to talk to me like I was cr*p!

In this life of IF and its constant struggles hon, you have to take care of yourself and if others are upsetting you by their behaviour or attitude towards you then cut them adrift for a while, review the situation a few months down the line and decide whether you want them in your life. Something Ermey said also struck a chord with me, I too have a friend who hasn't been able to face me for a number of years as she doesn't know what to do or say to me. It broke my heart that IF robbed me of her friendship, then I come to the conclusion that it must be her who has issues with stuff that has happened to me, and I stopped carrying the emotional baggage for it, I let it go.

Sometimes it can be really hard of letting friends go when you have had such a connection in your life for so long, but I've discovered keeping the connection can often cause more upset - and with all of us there comes a breaking point. Mine was telling my pal with 2 kids a few home truths, perhaps your breaking point was the text you sent today... maybe after the angst and deep upset this has caused you sending this text may help you to grieve some over what you have lost and move on to friendships and pastures new...

Go gently with yourself Jodie, you are not a selfish person. You are a bright and beautiful human being who has had a very raw deal in the IF stakes.

Sending you my love and strength 

Emcee xxx

ps, sorry for the mega long waffle! xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Emcee, 

Inspirational stuff...Thank you!

MM xxxx


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## Guest (Jul 27, 2007)

Thank you everyone for your posts and taking the time to offer me such wonderful advice.  
Your all very strong and inspirational people!!

I really did hit rock bottom yesterday , pleased to say I haven't been there for a while and its not a place I intend to stay. I do think maybe I need to go talk to a good councilour and get a few things 'out there' I feel rather stuck in the do we, or don't we do more treatment 'limbo land' which isn't helping. I think we have now reached that point where you wonder if you can go through the motions anymore or just accept what we have and be happy and you lovely ladies all know too well it ain't an easy or positive decision.

One thing I have learned is that maybe I am a stronger better person for at least trying to remain friends with Nikki and I can hold my head up high and pat myself on the back for that one 

Take care all xxxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Bit late in responding but I too have lost friends. I used to be part of a large group and they have all had children. The only time they made an effort to stay in touch was when I was going through ICSI for the first time and I could potentially be joining the 'ranks of motherhood'. When it failed they were sympathetic and then disappeared. One of them keeps in touch when she wants a friendly ear, which she is not going to get from me anymore after ignoring an invitation out and 3 calls, she can bugger off. So you see there are lots of us standing here alone. I have friends but they all live far away or are gay. But I do have my husband and now appreciate his friendship alot more than I used to.

From your online friend Yamoona x


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