# How did you know?



## Guest (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm beginning to feel that the time is right to move on but when I actually think about moving on my heart feels like it will break  How do you actually know that the time is right? We're looking at a very expensive last cycle of treatment if we decide to go for it and to be honest I'm not even sure we'll be able to raise the money but if we don't at least try will I regret it? I'm 41 now and feel sad all the time, I can't ever imagine myself with children  there was a time when I couldn't imagine myself without children but that changed a long time ago  I feel nobody in the real world understands apart from my OH and some amazing friends I've met on here, I feel as if they think I'm making a drama out of nothing and have heard some things that have been said about me that were really hurtful. I really feel like I'll never be happy again right now and don't think I'm strong enough to go through another failed cycle  Every day is a struggle and just don't know what to do anymore  I feel like a failure and a big fat waste of space.....


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## Lirac (Sep 18, 2008)

Hi,
Didn't want to read and run... In my first marriage, we did come to a decision to stop (seven unsuccessful IVF/ICSI) but it was a gradual thing. I have always found it easier to deal with by not making final decisions at the time and so we seemed not to get around to doing another IVF and, after two or three years, the need for a decision just seemed to fizzle out.
You can see from my signature that things have changed quite significantly for me in the last year or so, which I think is another indicator that 'never saying never' is a last resort. Not sure whether or not you have considered DEIVF, which did take me a while to get my head around, but might be a future possibility for you?
Lirac


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## Susan01 (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi Shemonkey,
Also didn't want to read and run - although you've heard my thoughts before   . There are some really helpful supportive people on this board who do understand about moving on in a way that those with successes, or still going for treatment don't. 

I don't think you ever 'know' - for me it's more a 60/40 thing which varies by the day. I don't think it will ever stop hurting, but sometimes making the decision to move on is the right one, it's not failure, it's not because you've not tried hard enough, and it does get easier.


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hiya hun

like the others -didn't want to read & run.

I think our decision was made for us - private goes had practically bankrupted us -3 NHS goes all to no avail. (+ OHSS / poor response)  I always knew in my head that 40 was a cut off - but boy -this year (turning 40) has been so so hard.

I have had the ARGC conversation in my head & with hubby a 100 times - yes we could go down that route as family wouild pay  - but if it fails - doesn't bear thinking about.

I like you - never imagined a life without children - but i have had to be brutally honest with myself now - - is it a case of wanting a ''baby'' or becoming a family.

I want to be a mum - doing the school run / days out / tantrums etc etc - the days of being pregnant are so far removed now - i've kinda wiped it from my mind.

the yearning will always be there - i know that & some days i think ''who will look after me when i'm old'' - then i give myself a good talking to - after all - noone should have  kids to ''look after them''!!!!

not sure if my ramblings have helped - i've said it once- IVF treatment is an addiction & trying to come to terms with the ''ending'' - who helps with that!!

sam xxxx


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## Kody (Jun 1, 2005)

Hi Shemonkey,
sorry you're feeling low (((hugs))), please don't ever feel you've failed, you have not.  
I don't know if even now we've actually made a decision.  we havn't had any treatment for over a year, I'm 38, DH 40.  We managed to become pregnant this year in April totally naturally and actually allowed ourselves to believe it could work... it didn't sadly.  We lost at around 7 weeks again and decided on an Evac.  The experience for this was awful - the 3rd one we've had but things just didn't go to plan and it upset me so much, I think the fact that I can't go through another miscarriage is the thing that has stopped me.  Not coming to terms with being childless, and not really deciding not to have any more treatment... just I can't go to hospital again.  

Are you in the middle of a cycle at the moment?  If so, huge amounts of good luck to you both xxxxx


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## shellymay (Jan 6, 2011)

Hello Shemoneky

You are not a failure and you are certainly not a waste of space, hun.

I know when one feels like that you just want people to commiserate with you. And I do, I really do. But we need people to pick us up as well, give us a good shake and send us on our way  

I am about to start my second cycle, this one at the ARGC, on Wednesday the girl told me I was one of the youngest patients at present (I am about to turn 40 in November) 

It is all true, IVF does take over your life, it is like a drug one finds hard to give up and no-one really knows when the right time is to give up or not. 

I think IVF is a little like having a job, when people ask you 'what do you do?' - what they really mean is who are you? You say oh, 'I am a marketing manager, or head accountant etc' in reality, you are none of those things, they are what do with your time, but they don't define your personality or your life.

It's the same with IVF, you immediately say, 'oh, I am doing IVF or 'we don't have children'  really this is not who you are. 

You are all the other wonderful things make you, you, your talents, your family, your smile, your kindness, your spirit, you may paint, ride a horse etc. you care for your husband, your parents. 

Having children is a yearning, but it doesn't define who you are as a person. 

Therefore, you can not and are not a failure or any of the other things we all think about ourselves.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge how you feel, but you need to make sure you work through it and come out the other side more positive.

Sending you loads of hugs     

I am praying that the ARGC works for both of us  

I always think, I don't ever want to look back and think 'if only I had tried this, done this, etc' No regrets for me, we will try everything and should that fail, we will then move on. 

We already have a plan. We plan to sell everything, take the two dogs (obviously ) and sail around the world for a few years.

Hun, I really do understand how you feel, we are the ONLY people in our group going through this, everyone else has children. 

As my mother (OMG, how I wish she was here now) used to say - 'chin up.'

Big hugs.                    
Mxx


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Hi.

We made the decision to stop all tx just 3 weeks ago (that was my last BFN). To be honest, i was ready to stop even before that, but needed to do a final tx for closure.  We have only had 3 failed DEIVF cycles, but on top of that, we have had 1 cancelled cycle and 2 mock drug cycles, so in all 6 cycles altogether in 18 months.  I think to be honest I ran out of steam; I couldn't face going again and hearing the same words 'your not responding to the drugs....your on a high dose, so you should be.....and there is fluid....not sure why'.  During all our cycles, my lining reached 7mm at max (after 5 weeks on every drug under the sun).

I think you know when it's time to stop.  It was a hard decision to make.  I also hold a lot of guilt on my part, which I am trying to work through.  You need to do what feels right for you - no regrets.  




xxx


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## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Shemonkey
Didn't want to read and run, the decision to stop is such a hard thing to do, but today in my heart I have finely decided to say enough. We had our last TX in November, been ttc for over 10 years. But we thought we would ttc naturally for 6 months. Chances slim but now we can say we have tried everything.  A family friend offered to give us money for more TX but we decided that we had enough, the thought of another failure would destroy us. 

I know that there will be days when it hits me and my heart feels so empty   

I wish you and oh all the best in what ever decision you make


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

Two months ago, after my 4th attempt at donor FET failed, i lost all hope. 
I have since tried to come to terms with the fact that i will never have a child. It hasn't been easy, especially at the beginning, but after so many disappointments, so much emotional stress i wanted to get my life back, to be defined by something other than my inability to bear a child. Unfortunately when one is still trying, every period is a reminder  of failure, and failure can be paralizing. One loses confidence, feels different and envies any woman who is pregnant, any woman who holds a baby, any mother taking her child to school etc. I could no longer accept that depressing state, i didn't want to be a miserable and envious person.

What did i do to heal myself and move on? I took comfort in the company of 3 very close friends who cannot conceive after undergoing a hysterectomy (2 of them) or had no desire to become a single mother (the other). This is now my support network and it's making a huge and positive impact on my recovery. 
I have also read an inspiring book called "Silent Sorority" that made me laugh and cry about the fertility journey that so many women never manage to complete despite advances in reproductive technologies. 

I also take comfort in knowing that so many women share my predicament and that there is no reason why i shouldn't start to focus on generating (metaphorically giving birth) to my new self, instead of clinging on the delusional hope of giving birth to a baby (which in itself is no guarantee that i will become a happier, more evolved, truly realised human being).

Self-realisation comes in many forms, for me it's yoga, more the spiritual quest for the source of the Self than the purely physical discipline.
We are all part o the One, and it doesn't matter whether we reproduce or not, as our souls have taken on a bodily form for a purpose we need to discover, and reproduction is not necessarily everybody's purpose in life. Our infertility may actually be a blessing in disguise as having no children to look after enables us to devote more time and energy to the discovery and understanding of our true mission in samsara, our confused, far from perfect world.

But what really helped me to move on is the realisation that we are not confined to our bodies, that we may inhabit more bodies in the next life, and in the life after the next, before we finally find rest in a mystical union with the source of life. 
I may have been a very prolific woman in my previous life, and now i am unfettered by pregnancies and child-rearing, free to embark on a spiritual  journey that could be more fruitful and liberating, a journey that takes us deep into our core. If our bodies don't cooperate, maybe it's because we are destined for another sort of life experience, one that will shed light on who we really are.

What if having children is just a distraction from our selves, a way of not dealing with our deepest issues? Seen in this light my infertility is no longer a curse, but a blessing that i failed to recognise as such for so many years.

A big hug to all the women who are still suffering because of infertility. I know how you feel and hope that one step at a time you will find the closure you need.


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