# Feeling so alone in this



## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I realise the subject title might seem a little daft given that this is the place for us single ladies. But I am currently lying in bed at my best friends house feeling so crap that I just needed to vent.
Don't get me wrong, I love my best mate to bits - she is the sister I never had and usually she understands me more than  anyone but tonight we got into a conversation about my plans and my pcos and she has always fully supported me and has encouraged me all the way. But this particular conversation hit onto the subject of not stressing and worrying abut it because the stress won't help your chances of getting pregnant. Now logically we all know that this is true and makes total sense but when I'm saying to her that it's not as easy as just not worrying about it, that when this is the one thing you want more than anything and that you can't help but let it take over your whole life there was just no telling her.

My friend has a loving and devoted husband, they have a fantastic relationship and they have 2 girls - both conceived very easily so i feel like she couldnt possibly understand what its like for me. I know she means nothing by it but it really has touched a nerve because I feel so alone in this, I don't know what it is that I was expecting but maybe it's with Christmas so close snd spending a few days with her family and living being part of the family unit, I can't help but want to cry.
I think I just needed together all that out. Roll on next year when hopefully a donor becomes available! I just really need to get started. All this waiting to even start IUI is driving me a bit mad - mentally I am ready now and I  feeling a lot of pressure, from family and friends but mostly from myself. There is nothing more that I can physically do but wait and I hate not being able to actively do something. There is only so much hypothetical planning my brain can take!

Thanks for listening to my vent. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one feeling this way.


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi - I didn't want to read and run.    

It can be so difficult to go through those feelings you're having. I went to see a counsellor when I thought everyone else had these fantastic, perfect relationships apart from me (yes, I really did think that at one stage!). It was after an experience similar to yours - staying with the seemingly perfect family and feeling like life would never offer something like that to me (that's what I felt... not saying that's what you feel). The first thing the counsellor told me was that these relationships simply do not exist. I didn't like to hear that at all but there is no getting away from that fact (I later went out with a psychiatrist who spent all day every day dealing with crises arising from relationship problems). Needless to say, the perfect family I had stayed with is no more. The couple divorced and the children are split between them. 

Your path isn't second best by any means. And it doesn't preclude a great relationship in the future. But I really do believe that until you have experienced what it's like to tread this path as you are, and face possible fertility issues, and have to make decision after decision about clinics and paths of treatment and drugs and eggs etc etc you cannot fully understand all the incredible emotions involved and the massive leap in personal development that you make. That's why I tend not to talk to anyone about it who conceived naturally to avoid those kinds of conversations and comments. That has meant not talking to close friends about it. But that's why this website is so great! If I say I have just experienced a failed IUI as a single woman, I know there are many women reading who know exactly what that feels like and that is of more support to me than almost anything. I hope that makes sense?

This time of year is really tough and the "happy family" PR will be working overtime. But keep your eyes on the prize and use this waiting time to build resilience and do the things that you won't be able to do with a baby... and cry if you want to! I would be one big tear by now if I hadn't cried all those times! Everytime you go through what you're feeling now, you are reaffirming to yourself what you want and that is so positive. 

Good luck!               

T xx


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Well said Tommi. I agree with every word.


Good luck SMC81


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I just wanted to say I hear you.  Last Christmas was so difficult for me.  I was diagnosed with low fertility and had asked a close friend to co-parent with me.  He subsequently said no.  I spent Christmas day with my closest friend who has 3 children and a hubby.  Her relationship was far from perfect but I thought at least she had one.  In hindsight I would rather be alone than have someone that doesn't love me as in my marriage.  I was so scared of what 2011 held for me.  I mostly was angry at God, the universe and fate for being 36 single and "broken".  I faced all these fears and amazing things happened.  

Fast forward to this Christmas.  I am sitting on the couch with my 2 week old daughter nursing as I type.  I have friends who come and cook and clean for me.  I am so not alone.  I am going to start considering dating again in 2012 as there is no longer any urgency it can take as long as it needs to.  My life is beyond what I thought possible in 12 short months.

Life is wonderful and I was willing to do anything to be a mother.  It was the best decision I ever made.

God bless and know you are not alone.

Dawn


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hello  

I really can't add any more to what Tommi and Dawn have said - wise words girls!  
You're not alone when you have FF!    I've made some lovely friends who have enhanced my world BEYOND belief.   

Christmas isn't the same for everyone but it can be a lovely time for reflection and making plans.
Diesy   xx


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## cocochanel1 (Oct 15, 2009)

Tommi and Dawn, amazing heartfelt wise posts. Covers it all I think, hope it helps. 
Hugs. Coco xxx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you so much for your replies, it means so very much. As much as I love my friends and their kids sometimes I just wish I could crawl into a dark hole! I still feel that way but with FF I now know that I'm not actually alone. 

I have every intention of seeing this through and staying strong with help of the ladies on here. All of your advice and words of encouragement mean the world.
Best wishes to everyone xxx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Smc81 big hugs can I just add that any sort of fertility tx is stressful, being single is stressful and making life changing descions ( with much more deliberation than most couples do when deciding to start a family do) is stressful - its to be expected and won't effect your ability to conceive - I couldnt of been more stressed when I finally conceived - Please don't let stressing about stressing be added to your list of stressing.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Morrigan, and congratulations on your little one!

I thought that maybe xmas would take my mind off it all - I always have a small quiet family xmas with my mum, dad and brother, but as they are as keen for me to have a baby as I am they talk about it a lot. At first I would get really annoyed at them but then I realised I would rather they were over excited than disapproving, so I have learned to keep my mouth shut!

I think this might be the most stressful xmas I've had in a long time, just praying that next year will be very different. Single, childless Christmases have lost their sparkle! With all my friends talking a bout their kids and early mornings, my life seems so empty in comparison.

Here's to a positive new year!

S xx


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Big    SMC81, wise words from the ladies who have already replied.


Stay strong, and you will get there...and when it gets a bit tough we are all here. It can sometimes seem like everyone is super strong on here and we are   but I can guarantee that every doubt or worry that you feel will have been felt by many of us so always feel free to vent and someone will always step forward with some good advice or at the very least make you feel like you are not alone.  There are definitely times when an FF ear will only do    no matter how wonderful friends or family might be!


xxx


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

just a hug for you smc81  

I often feel very alone in this too.  Especially when I see my friends who are all parenting in couples and the dads are loving involved dads who are supportive of their partners.

So sorry to not be very uplifting but your not alone in feeling like this and we can all hope for better things.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

All so true, Lilumead! I am finding FF to be a bit of a life saver already. I don't know what I would do without all the wonderful ladies on here sometimes. Family and friends are great, but friends have their own lives and very rarely understand. My family are lovely, but can be hard work. My brother suffers with quite severe depression sometimes (I've find out tonight he's having another low few days), so he needs my support. I feel like my problems come second to everyone else, it's my fault really as I have always given this idea of 'I am fine, I can cope with everything'. But with xmas and everything that comes with it, and all of my baby, fertility and being single issues I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

By the second week of January I will be 2 months into my time on the waiting list for a donor, they told me it would be 3-6 months, so I have that on my mind all of the time. I plan to ring the clinic after new year to see if I have moved up the list. Then there is the money side of it - which gives me constant headaches! Saving has never come easily to me, and as much as I am trying i always feel like it's never enough. Then there is the worry that the IUI will never work. It's all never ending!

And then I feel like I am always moaning! Just for a little while I would like to be ignorant to all this and just forget about it all!

Silverbird - I know what you mean. Every time I see a dad with his child, or in fact just my own dad helping me out with something, I get this pang of, 'my child will never have that'. It seems so unfair that some have what we want so easily.

Sending   to everyone struggling at the moment xxx

S xx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

smc81 sorry you are struggling right now but this place is a lifeline whenever you need to offload. Just out of interest, have you looked into importing ds from a bank rather than using your clinic's own? This could mean you could get started a lot sooner.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Caramac. I did look into importing initially, but I could get another 2 vials for the cost of the shipping from abroad. Given that it takes an average of 4-5 attempts for a positive result, coupled with my PCOS I am trying to be as practical as possible  - money is a tough issue anyway. At the moment though, with all this waiting, the thought of importing is getting more and more attractive!

I know that I need to get my body into better shape, and I could do with saving some more money, waiting is the more sensible option.

Part of me is terrified to start all of this too if I'm honest. The thought of it not working is unbearable, maybe I actually want to wait, because while I'm not actually having any treatment, there is still the hope that it will work. Wow, I've not thought of it this way before. I know I want this more than anything, so why I am so scared?


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi smc, it is scary and overwhelming, anyone trying for a baby would feel like that. It's almost too massive to even think about!  Plus we have the added stress of it maybe not working or costing lots of money etc etc...and it always feels like forever when you are waiting for treatment but like you say, use it to get body prepared and save some money and you will be starting before you know it. 

I found the only way to get through it all was to take it one step at a time, far too scary to think about it all.  Even when I tested positive I was scared and thought what have I done!!! But it is definitely worth it 
Xxx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Have to agree with everything everyone has said so far.  It is scary all the way through, even when you get pregnant   , but it is worth it and along the way you will find ways to cope financially and emotionally    

And you never know, once you have your baby, you may meet someone who will then become your LOs Dad - I have not given up the hope of meeting someone in the future    (although I do still have moments where I feel sad that my LO may not have a Dad in his life - but he has a great grandad and cousins and great uncles etc!   )

As others have said, Christmas is always particularly tough   
GIA Tooxx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Congratulations on your little one, GIAToo.

I do think that may be one day I could meet someone, but if I can eventually be lucky enough to have my own LO I don't think I will think about it too much. I think that while I am still waiting and thinking of nothing but TTC it just feels very lonely. The time of year doesn't help. I can't wait for new year - to be over and done with that is!

Thank goodness for FF, it's definitely keeping me sane!

S x


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