# I feel so empty and incomplete



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello everyone, I just need to let some stuff out. Hope thats ok.

I thought I was doing so well over the past 2 or 3 weeks, but am struggling now. I feel like I am carrying around a painful lump in my heart, its heavy and it hurts, but leaves an emptiness there too. 

Over the past year so so I have really thrown myself into my degree, and I have been particularly obsessing about what to do next, putting pressure on myself to find a really intersting and fulfilling career (something I've never had). To find a purpose in life and a sense of me being a valid person without being a mum.

But this last couple of weeks I've just had this growing sense that I feel incomplete and that I won't ever be complete without being a mum to somebody. I now feel like I have been searching and searching for other ways of fulfillment like in a career because I am so scared and hurt in case that child shaped hole never gets filled, and i now think that what if a career doesn't ever fulfill me enough, what if I can't possibly truly find myself without having a child. I am so confused. I am in my final year at uni and need to think about what I do next. If i want to pursue my chosen career I need to do post graduate courses, but I am scared of pursuing it in case it doesn't fill that hole. And what if we want to look into adoption...I don't want to postpone that by yet more study.

I think too thats why i find it so hard to interact with other peoples children, because it gives me a glimpse of that completeness of feeling that comes from nowhere else, and isn't mine to keep. I've always been frustrated about how society stereo-types the role of motherhood as being central to a womans identity, and since we stopped tx need more than ever to celebrate womens identities without motherhood. But this feels about more than stero-types, its like nature is just too strong.



I don't know if any of that makes sense, but thanks for letting me let off steam. I didnt want to say it to DH.

Ermey
xxxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh my precious friend Ermey - your post made me   so much, I soooooooooooo get what you shared that is EXACTLY how I am feeling this week too. Like you I am feeling how can I ever beat these painful empty woman feelings, just as you described it is that feeling of our mind and body telling us constantly we are going against the flow of nature. As you know from my Pms to you   I too thought I was doing pretty well the last few weeks, then BAM this week with my period gone awol and PMS from hell, I have yet again been struck by that deepest sense of maternal emptiness and pain.

It is like my body is screaming at me through raging hormones each month. . . . where is my baby? It sometimes feels like my brain and body are two very separate parts of me i.e the brain knows I can't have children, but my body is like some computer that hasn't been re programmed with this update,  hence it is sending continual physical messages of "I am ready and waiting, what is going on?" Don't know if I have explained that vry well or if that makes any sense? 

I know there are women out there who actively decide not to have children, but I often wonder if they were then to find out they simply couldn't have them if they did want too, whether they would cope so well? I truly believe the hardest part of our situ is the NO CHOICE in the matter part.The being robbed of what our female bodies were designed to do seems to create for some of us an overwhelming feeling of our body going against nature (even though nature was the one that has caused it to not happen for us in the first place!) and that is what is so very hard and makes the letting go of the dream seem impossible. 

I am so scared that even in time if Dh and I do decide to explore adoption that this cannot and will not be able to fill that empty womb feeling, and I fear I maybe still haunted by this wretched feeling every every single month when I get my wonky period hormones for the next twenty/thirty years of menstruation still to go. 

I hate all this stuff so much, and Ermey I am sending you the biggest HUG possible today as you are a very, very, very special person and I can't wait to finally meet you in person Friday. Despite all your deep heartache you have still found the strength to support me through your lovely Pms and I hate to see you so down hun.

Hope the other ladies on here will have some words of comfort for you too.

Going off on my mad travels now but thinking of you.
Love
Hippy
xxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Ermey x

It makes perfect sense to me, and you are right, society does stereotype the role of motherhood. Its so hard when, from children, we are all raised expecting to do what society dictates is the 'norm' meet that special someone, settle down, have a family. Its so devastating and cuts through so many different layers of our own selves when we discover that we cannot have children, or the ways to acheiving a family are fraught with uncertainty.

I've got no answers for you because I still feel that gaping hole myself. I have just resigned myself to the fact that as a female I still have this huge need to nurture that exsists in all of us - and I try and find other ways to use that nurturing side of me to the best that I can. I think thats what makes all of this so difficult - the need to nurture is instinctive and never goes away, its not something that can be switched on or off at random!

I distance myself from other peoples kids as well. I've been bitten in the past, so this is my way of protecting myself from getting attached, forming a relationship with my friends kids, then having them taken out of my life when my friends move on, as most of my friends with kids end up inevitably doing. So I understand your sentiment of 'it isn't mine to keep' totally.

Hippy... I just had to say that I know exactly what you mean as well, I've been that raging hormonal woman in this non-conforming bod for many years now!

Sending you both massive hugs, I am certain what you both have said will strike a chord in many here.

Lots of love,
Emcee x


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Hi everybody

I was just wondering, after reading these very personal and thought provoking posts, if we are all tuned into one another. As woman can synchronize their periods I wonder if because over the course of time we have become a tight knit group (on this thread) we seem to experience the same feelings at certain times.

Dear Ermey, SNAP, Ive seemed to fill my life with college and now I need a career that is going to fill that very big void in my life,but I'm scared its not going to do that, or fall very short of it. What do we do then? This is a very scary question to ask ones self.

Again, Christmas is not far off and I've noticed adverts for toys etc on the telly (as anyone seen the one thats just on before Emmeradale, I think its Airwick) I hear people moaning about that they haven't a clue what to buy for their little ones or how expensive its going to be. Perhaps thats what is getting me down at the moment.

Sending everyone well deserved hugs 
What Id like for this Christmas is to make all of you very happy ladies, you never know its the time for miracles.

karen xxxxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

oh ermey 
I completely completely understand and identify with everything that you wrote, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. I think everyone here will 'get' what you are saying and I know there is nothing at all that I can say that will make the hurt go away...

Its just so hard to keep going sometimes - and I think what you are describing re the end of your degree is obviously making you feel jittery about the future. The fact that you have pursued a degree/career at all in the face of IF is, in itself, a real achievement - something to be proud of. I know it nowhere NEAR fills the void - but in terms of moving forward with your life in general - it is 'something'. I think any decisions about the future are always going to be hard for us - I don't know about you - but for so many years, we have based big decisions on whether we will have baby 'at some point' - and its SO hard to contemplate a future that doesn't include that. Take it slow....

I couldn't agree more with the stereotyping of women - it *sucks*

ermey, I can only echo what the others have said and give you my 100% love and support, please write more if it helps.
Ruby xxxxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Ermey, 
first and foremost I want to give you a huge  
Reading your post has made me cry. It makes complete sense, in fact I was going to write practically the same post last night after I was sent home sick from a night shift-I told work I felt sick, but instead came home and wept into dh's arms for about an hour as, like yourself, am feeling pretty blue about IF at the moment. I finish my degree at Christmas and am already worried about how I'm going to keep myself busy when it has finished.
It looks, and sounds like we all have very similar copeing strategies and unfortunately this often manifests itself through work and courses/degrees etc, which although can be fulfilling and are a consructive thing to do, are often just a means of filling the void where children would have been.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down, and hope that the knowledge that you aren't alone by any means helps.
I feel blessed that I have so many kindred spirits on this thread who know exactly how I feel and for that I am eternally grateful.

Sending you lots of hugs and support
ppxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Many thanks to everyone for all your kind thought and replies.

PP - really sorry i made you cry!! ((HUG))  

Its such a relief to hear that people out there know how i feel...I mean seem to know EXACTLY! It certainly does sound as tho lots of us are still only too aware of that child shaped hole and try and fill it with other things. I bought myself guinea pigs to cuddle (not allowed a cat or dog!) and having pets to care for has been a lifeline, but I am often only too aware that cuddling  guinea pig isn't the same as holding your child in your arms (! )

my course has been a good way to fill my head with other things, but as some of you have said its like trying to put a circle into a square shaped hole....it doesn't fill the gaps, and karen as you said so well....what if nothing does?.

And i don't know about you girls that are doing courses (or struggling with work), but some days I just find it so hard to feel like the study matters...i feel like 'whats the point'. I'm so sick of worrying about the future. in some ways i guess my worrying about what to do after my degree is just another way of worrying about what has happened/will happen on the infertility saide (sorry hippy if you've heard this all before!   )

Ruby you were so right about how for so long our decisions in life has revolved around the possibility (however remote) of finally having that baby. Now that we're no longer having tx I guess its hard to accept that we have the freedom to make our decisions for ourselves. Although I feel that because Dh and I are clinging onto the hope of considering adoption I guess the decision making is still really confusing and complicated.

Lots of hugs back to all of you who are struggling with similar issues, and thanks for being there for me.

XXXX


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Ermey and girls
Ermey so glad that you can come on here to share things with us. Sorry that i have come in abit late on this posting...such beautiful replies and i must admit it has brought a lump to my throat as well..
I can honestly relate to you when you say about trying to full fill your life with different things. I also have jumped in with two feet doing this course and that course to take my mind off things..
I must also admit i went through a long phase of is this 'all i am about'...working, looking after patients and other peoples needs in my job...... when i feel like crap myself...
Often people say you have so much to give to others and you can find your nurturing in other areas...well for your information i wanted to do that with my own family...sorry but thats how i felt..
Although i have now started to wind down and maybe think that i can not fill in every waking moment with things to do, to hide my pain..So maybe we all go through this as part of our IF journey to keep our head above water and try and dampen the sadness that we feel..
On the other hand do you know what i think we all need to CONGRATULATE ourselves...what strength we have to beable to pick ourselves up and do something that many people would have crumpled under the strain.I feel proud of what i have achieved these last how may years. I do not know many people who could have dealt with going through treatment/failures/emotional turmiol, but still manage to achieve a few goals (except yourselves) ...Admittedly not what i want in life, but i haven't sat back and let it get to me totally...
So all i can say to you all is you are one strong bunch of women...maybe we are the new female leaders of the country!!! ha ha..
Coming back to what happens when it comes to an end of our courses...i beleive we will get our answers then and then make decisions from there...
Boy what  mind games we have to deal with....
all the best...
lots of love astridxx


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