# My sister announces her pregnancy



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

How do i start
after 3 months of trying and at age 40 my sister has done it.
I am of course delighted for her and wish her all the joy in the world but I'm also gobsmacked and tearful and hurt and more than a tad jealous.
I'm also afraid I'm going to loose my sister as she enters this fertile world.
There are just 2 of us. Both of us the products of a very unhappy marriage with a Father who drank and a Mother who spent her adult life in and out psychiatric institutions. But at least we had each other. We both felt that we didn't fit into the outside world to a certain extent - we where both different and not having children made us warriors against the rest of the world.    
I feel awful as I cried on the phone. I so wanted to be there for her with this splendid news and I cried and felt I let her down. Poor Gillian she had dreaded telling me so I feel bad for that.
I guess over the coming days my emotions will settle but for now it just hurts.
Thanks for 'listening"

Lots love Jo


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Oh Jo, my heart really goes out to you. 



I wish I had some really helpful words of wisdom, or something to say that would make it all better.    i can only imagine how hurt and mixed up your emotions must be.
Hun, the good thing is that it sounds like you and your sister are very close to each other...the fact that your sister was worried about how you would feel , and the fact that you are worried about how she must be feeling about telling you is actually a really good start as maybe it will help you both in keeping your relationship together in the long term. It sounds like you both respect and care about each other.
Its only natural if you temporarily need some distance, hopefully your sister will understand that, but it doesn't mean you will lose her, although I understand that one side of what you shared is gone now.

I know you must be hurting so much, so don't try to keep it all in, let it out somehow if it will come, and in the meantime be really kind to yourself with lots of treats.
I know everyone here will be here whenever you need.

Sorry not to be able to help more 

big hugs
xxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Jo
I'm really sorry to hear you are hurting so much. I totally understand how you are feeling. I have 2 sisters with 6 children between them, and the last 2 have been born during some of our _most_ difficult times. I found it incredibly hard and painful to be around my sister during her pregnancies and newborn stage...

It sounds like you are really close to your sister, so I would say just be honest about your feelings. This worked for me - and much as it was really painful, I do think it was the right thing to do. It's so hard to get a balance - and if your sister is anything like mine, she will be feeling so upset for you. It's a really complex and difficult thing, but I do think it is possible to get through it, I really do. Your relationship WILL survive - it just may be that you have to keep some distance between you for a bit. My youngest niece is now a year old, and things are so much better between me and my sister - obviously there are still pangs on my side, but you have to remember that the little one that comes will be your niece or nephew, and will need and love a fun, caring auntie to give them sweets and let them stay up late...

Sending you a big  and lots of support. As E said, be kind to yourself because this is one of the hardest things - but you can do it. 

xxxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dearest Jo,

Just wanted to send you my support, sympathy and a very big hug . It is always hard hearing of a new pregnancy, but there are one or two that come along in our lives and rock our worlds. The fact that this is your sister, the fact she is 40, and the fact it took just three months are three very valid reasons why this has hit you so hard, and it is so, so understandable.

Not having children does make us like warriers against the outside world; it is a perfect analogy and it is very hard to bear when one of our fellow warriers tells us she is leaving our world to enter the one we cannot: motherhood. While you can be pleased for them it can also turn your own world upside down. I truly understand that. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling these conflicting emotions, Jo. You would simply not be human to not feel the way you do.

I am glad your sister is aware of you how would be feel on hearing this news. The fact that she has not looked forward to telling you shows a great deal of sensitivity on her part. I am sure she will realise you now need time to digest her news so please don't worry that you will lose her. I am sure the bond you share means she knows that just because you are sad for you, it doesn't mean you are not happy for her.

This is a different scenario, so please don't think I am trying to compare your situation to this. But the pregnancy news that hit me hardest was five years ago, when my sister-in-law telephoned us with her good news. She is the same age as me, had only just met her future husband (they were married within a year of meeting) and got pregnant on her honeymoon. Thank god my DH picked the phone up and spoke to her becasue I just disolved into tears of despair. Like you, I felt terrible that I had such a 'selfish' reaction, as I so wanted to be happy for her. But I was madly jealous and felt like such a failure next to her. I have never found any pregnancy announcement harder than that one. 

I would never try to tell you what to do, Jo, but my way of coping back then was to send her a card and flowers to show our delight and congratulations, rather than talking to her directly. You can still show your love and support whilst at the same time stepping back and being gentle on yourself. I am also a great believer in good old fashioned letter-writing. The act of writing things down can be so therapeutic (as we all know!) and even if you write something to your sister that you never end up sending, the very act of putting it all down on paper might just help you process some of your emotions.

Your emotions will settle, Jo, but for now of course it will hurt like hell. I think it was MM who said on a previous post that sometimes you just have to remember to breathe, and I think this is probably one of those times for you.

We are all here for you. I will be thinking of you an awful lot, Jo, and again I send you a loving hug  .

B xxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Jo, I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling, it's such a hard combination of factors to get your mind around.

My SIL (3 is getting married in 2 weeks (specifically to ttc - or so my insensitive FIL told my DH during the same phone call as DH told him our last IVF had failed ) Anyway, I have a real dread and fear of her announcing her (pobably convenient and speedy) pg, even though I love her and want her to be happy.

Another thing I just wanted to mention, because I *hope* the ladies on this board won't judge me!.... I noticed Jo said 'of course I'm delighted for her'. Now, I'm not doubting what Jo said at all, what I'm about to say is specifically about _my own _ feelings, and I wonder if anyone else feels like this... when I hear a pg announcement, I don't feel particularly happy for that person. I'm far too busy feeling sorry for me. It's not that I'm an evil old witch (I hope), it's just that all of my emotions and energies are taken up with feeling a huge mixture of things, including (but not limited to!): hurt/pain/jealousy/fear/anger/nausea/mortification. It's like there's no space for any positive stuff. Not until much later anyway.


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Dear Jo

Please don't feel you've let your sister down, she probably knew how you would react.  You've been 'in it' together for a long time now and I'm sure you still will have the best of relationships.

I think jealous is the wrong word as it seems too harsh to me but I can really empathise with how you're feeling.

My sister became 'accidentally' pg while we were on our IF journey, it was her 4th child and our relationship hasn't really changed.  I also have a very good friend who became pg, she couldn't tell me for 5 months and then only did cos I would obviously notice!  She was so protective of my feelings as she'd been there.  There's no easy way for you to take such an announcement, it's just another thing we have to deal with and it's so difficult.

I really feel for you Jo, don't be too hard on yourself.  You're probably going to mull over every word of your conversation, it's all part of a grieving process.

Incidently Emmag - what you've said is soo true, I too have felt as you and when I haven't openly admitted to having felt this way, it's because I've been in denial - those feelings are also part of the grieving process in my opinion.

Much love to you Jo, 
Nix


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Jo
Sorry i did send you a message but got thrown off the line...eeeekk 
I just wanted to say how difficult things must be for you at the moment. I can see that everyone has written some beautiful comments.
Your sister sounds a very special person...but i am sure that i do not have to tell you this. But maybe step back just for a few days and grieve for yourself...I am sure she understands the pain and anguish this has caused you..
I am sure that it has also brought up alot of old feelings about your child hood etc.. The feeling of being safe when you were both childless..this is something maybe on top of everything else has caused a huge load of emotions to deal with (correct me if i am wrong i don;t want to assume). And then on top of your own IF...ummm one big lots of emotions on those tiny shoulders of yours...
Have you got a close friend you can chat to?
Maybe talk to your sister in a few days time, or send her a note that you will come round but you need time out....quite a big shock as Bandicott mentioned earlier in her post...
I would say step back alittle and work through those emotions...cry and let it out and then you may feel alittle stronger....as they say go with your emotions, do not hide them and you will feel able to approach things with a different mind set..
thinking of you..
love astridx


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## Guest (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear Jo,
I just wanted to send you a big hug   
This is such a difficult thing for you to face and life changing on a lot of levels. 
However you are a tough cookie and I know you will deal with things  
Just give yourself a bit of time to adjust and remember we all understand how you feel and are here for you every step of the way xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Darling Jo,

Just to say I am thinking of you, you have just had the sort of announcement many of us dread as it brings such difficult emotions. 

I also know this may be quite hard to manage if your sister is far away in England as I know you are in NZ. I can't quite explain this but I feel that if my brothers (in Spain and NZ) ever have children I will find it hard to deal with it all by phone and email as it would be easier to deal with it all face to face somehow. But maybe for you the distance won't have that effect? I am always here if you want to explore that angle. (I did have a taste of it once when one brother's now ex partner concieved, sadly she miscarried.)

Having said that, it does sound that she is sensitive to your feelings and as though the 2 of you have a close bond forged through surviving a very difficult childhood side by side and I am sure by the way you write that she will not want to loose this any more than you do. 

Take care of yourself and remember where we are everytime you need some support.

Much love,

Jq xxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jo, 

There is so much wisdom and support already winging its way to you via this thread, that all I can add is... Don't beat yourself up hun; your thoughts are 1) entirely understandable, and 2) just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less, and you won't always have them, so don't beat yourself up about their presence. My guess is that if we accept our thoughts, the ones we don't want disappear a lot quicker... to be replaced by something more positive...

Love to you, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Jo what a tough situation for you to be in - with many thoughts and emotions swirling around you all at once - no wonder you feel the way you do.

I agree with the other ladies that it sounds as if you have a great relationship with your sister, but I can still understand how it must bite that she is pregnant so soon after all the years you have spent trying to reach that stage. But as MM says thoughts don't shape you, they aren't you, and this is the place to express how you're feeling where we all know where you're coming from.

There is no bettering anything else anyone has said, although I do agree its time for you to be gentle to you and take all this onboard at your own pace, digest in small portions what you can handle as it were.

Thinking of you sweetie, despite everything you are still an amazing and loveable lady - no more feeling bad for letting go of your emotions on the phone when speaking to your sister, its a very human thing to do hon.

Holding you close and sending you an extra tight <squeeze>
With love
Emcee x


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Thanks for all your lovely replies.
Feeling a bit better today although have that feeling it won't take much to send me off!!
Have a busy afternnon trying to organise prep for a teleconference but will "chat" later. Thanks again for all your support
Lots luv Jo


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Sorry to be so late to this Jo and there isn't really much I can add to what the other ladies have said except I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

flipper


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Jo-just getting to this now as i was off on Fri and Monday.I am so sorry you are feeling down and i know EXACTLY how you must be feeling as i am anticipating the same with my sister.In fact my other sister is getting married in Sept and i recently had a terrible vision of the TWO being pg together-i think that would finish me off so i can understand how YOU feel with there just being the 2 of you.

I hope you get the strength to get thru this and if you find any miracle ideas for doing do could you share them foe all of us who are facing this in the future.We all share your pain and understand in a way that no one else ever will.

Take care honey-be strong and the best aunty there will ever be!!!xxxx


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