# Aftermath of BFN



## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Hi 
please could anyone give me some help. Went back to work on Monday this week after BFn on Friday after 1st Failed IVF/ICSI. Was fine until last night - just feeling really really hurt -like a knife in my stomach all the time. Havent really cried much but just feel SSSSOOOO negative and depressed. Not really handling work , where I "help " young people to deal with their issues (this also involves following up teenage mums to see if they have given birth etc - great !!!) 
Work has just made me really stressed.Somone in the office got engaged - she is on holiday and texted everyone- just thought - bloody hell , then all the talk will  be about when she is planning her baby. Came home and next door getting married on Sat and my next thought is GOd , then another pregnant lady next door to us- the other side is just about to drop too. Am I normal  What does anyone DO with these feelings ?I havent told the office about IVF although several people have told me I look really unhappy- I see a counsellor which helps but just feel totally totally trapped by my life. I hate my job and want to escape but earn more than my DH - really really dont want to get into any work that helps people. I feel like I am having an early mid life crisis and I really dont know how I will deal with everyone elses happy news re marriage and babies.Going out with work next week as my best friend is leaving and a girl who tried for 2 months and got married after me there who just had a baby- dreading baby talk ..........I just wanna stay in my nice house and be cozy but cannot let my friend down. Have told her (she knows ) that I will come for the meal but going away the next day so need to leave early- which is a lie. 
Please help - ....................Am I loosing it ?   Also spent the past few days doing job application . 
Chedza


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Your not losing it at all hun - everyone feels like this sometimes on this journey  xxx  I do think a change of job may do you good as it isn't easy to be faced with teen mums every day.  Honestly the only way to deal with it as it is happening is to keep talking, keep venting how you feel - even if it is just on FF, but if you can then to hubby too.  Don't keep it bottled up as it will only make you feel worse.

There will always be someone here to talk to hun xxx


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Thanks Beebee
I am really really glad that I have a good marriage and my DH  can take my ****. Also I am realsing that like you said I need to keep getting it out ...all my feelings. i am realising that I cannot continue in my job - it isnt so much the teen mums - I actually feel quite sorry for the poor kids sometimes as they look so lost in their own lives, it is rather my peers that stress me out- all women between 21-45 and I cannot take it anymore.
Thanks for the advice- fingers crossed for new job - not easy in the credit crunch !!!
Chedza


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

I will be thinking of you hun.  I hope that you can find something soon - in the meantime maybe find a little hobbie that you really enjoy that gives you time out to relax from all the stress xxx


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## shellspain (Oct 29, 2007)

Hi Chedza
Its so very very hard to deal with the lives going on around you when you have had a BFN. Its heartbreaking and its natural to  feel the way you do. I dont know what to suggest to make it easier other than to make sure you have a good cry, let it all out and try and keep yourself busy (as Beebee suggested a hobbie could be just the thing).
Ive made my life very difficult this year following my BFN. Ive avoided social situations with people who have young children..even got to the point where I couldnt face going for my usual sunday evening stroll along the beach for fear of seeing prams and pushchairs and bumps and all ive really done is made myself feel worse and become a bit isolated!
Its taken me a while to realise I need to snap out of it....i have to say the hope I have for this cycle has given me a bit of motivation. Please dont let it take you over..you really need to let it out. I think its the best advice you could have been given!

thinking of you
xx


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## CLshark (Apr 10, 2007)

Why is it when we want our babies so much that all we see are bumps and babies?

When I was pregnant, I didn't remember noticing any pregnant ladies or newborn babies, other than those at my antenatal classes, of course. 

Now, it's all I see and it seems to have got even worse (if that's possible) since the BFN in August.

I can't offer you any advice of how to cope as I barely cope myself. I did keep in touch with the other mums from my antenatal classes and have since met their babies and that has helped with seeing older babies, out and about. Sometimes that's still hard.

I think you're very brave sticking to your job when aspects obviously hurt you so much.


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## acuna (Sep 10, 2008)

Hi,

I can completely understand how you are feeling.

My best friend had a baby a week ago. I sent a card and text but at the moment can't stand the thought that I will have to talk to her because I feel so jealous and I feel really bad for feeling that. So far she hasn't had time to call which then makes me feel neglected and her life is all babies now. I reply to her texts with news about all the shopping and socialising I am doing to try and make her feel jealous - but who am I kidding.

My neighbour is also about to drop (she got married two months before me) so all I get is "are you planning on any?". Then two other friends are due next month - so I am surrounded. Another friend got married last month and I am dreading a call from her Nov/ Dec telling me she is pregnant. It's very hard.

Good luck and take care.X


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Thank you for all your posts and understanding. Feeling slightly less knived in the stomach this week but coping with working which has been pretty hard. Anyone who has known about me and IVF , has totally ignored me - my line manager- ie no one asking me how I am.  etc and going on about how much work I need to do or havent done . Why is the world so bloody cruel or people so bloody cruel.
I am realising that this infertility malarkey gets to me in every area. Sick of dealing with other people's crap and forgetting to look after myself. Applied for a new job last week - and will continue to do so until I get out of what I am doing at the moment. My BFN has given me the motivation to start realsing that waiting to go on maternity leave is not gonna happen and I cannot stay in a job that I detest.
Still dont know how to deal with the why have you not got kids?? Are you PG yet. Had an amazing chat with an acupuncturist I went to see last week who had just adopted a 2 year old who MADE ME FEEL COMPLETELY NORMAL . I ended up crying "thank you for giving me hope" when she told me that having a child that was not biologically related to her made no difference and to be honest would rather adopt myself - at least there is the guarantee of a lovely child at the end. Not sure if I will feel that in 6 months but we will see. Also started to write a book- only made it to the first sentence though.
JUST WANTED TO SAY WE ARE AMAZING WOMEN AND KEEP BELIEVING IT - 
Chedza


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

Hi Chedza (and all of you ladies)

Been wondering where you were lovey...thoguht you'd gone quiet (silly me haha!)
I'm same, still having a pretty cr*p time of it. Had a wedding on Saturday and my plan was to stay with my childless friend and SIL!!But once people started moving around, who comes and plonks herself next to me? 21 week pg friend - third child. I gave DH the nod and that was our cue to leave!
I hate being like that, it's not so much that I'm jealous of her or any of my friends, it's just so unfair that it's so easy for them. And I know I'm being pitied which is worse than anything. We've been married 4 years and me and DH have always been mad about kids, everyone knows that. So everyone has guessed it's not happening for us. They've stopped asking. (And asking has always pi55ed me off as well - none of anyone's business! I hear people ask other people and I wanna say "what's it got to do with you when they're going to have children??"

Oh I'm really rambling today!!

Anyway Chedza - have you had your follow up consultation? I had mine yesterday. x


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Sleepy T

Hurray I am not alone in my feelings of poo ness  ........I have been written off work for two weeks - went to Dr's asking for anti depressants but she refused and just said that I needed space to grieve. Anyway glad i have time to try to sort my head out as my job was getting to me.People asking at work where I am so have bitten the bullet and told my best friend there to tell them dont know if that is a mistake but it is getting too hard to pretend that I am fine when I am defiantely NOT.
Totally totally get you about the wedding - recently at my sister's - younger sat next to her new father in law who kept going on about his son's sperm count and how they were worried he wasnt gonna have kids as left getting married too late- he was laughing about this needless to say I was mouthing to my mother "get me out of here !!!" she told me last week that she is trying- fABULOUS !!!!.
Got appointment at clinic for follow up on 30th - what was yours like  How did it go  Let me know and glad you surviving - we shall overcome and all that 
Chedza


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

Very pleased to hear you're not at work. I work in construction, deal with project managers and surveyors. Needless to say there is zilch conversation about children which is great, and still found it hard to sit here and concentrate. Don't know how I'd face your job because I'm guessing the people you're dealing with genuinely feel as lost as you do and need help - very hard to do that. So it's much better to be with yourself for a little while. You have a lot of pent up emotion there girlie.....now RELEASE  

Follow up mtg was ok. I brought my questions, most of them answered but forgot a few. I met with the most senior Doc 
(as u may know I was v unhappy with my clinic and the last week when I was losing, I had horrendous response & support from them so after speaking with someone they booked me with him) 
He was kinda lost for words - it was sheer bad luck, wouldn't you know!
The fact I got BFP means implantation def happened - I couldnt' have got the BFP or any hCG levels if it did not. So of course that is encouraging for any future tx if we can afford it next year.
I was interested in whether we are any the wiser on why not conceiving naturally - as we did ICSI on all, we can't eliminate fact that we are incompatible. But my eggs were good quality, DH sperm also average now (it wasn't before) so it can only be that.

So we'll keep trying naturally and see what happens next year. And in the meantime try and keep a level head around women with bumps and buggies!!

What are you hoping to find out from your mtg? What's your plan? x


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Sleepy T

I am havin one of those miracle days where people you never dreamed of being supportive are being.Bit the bullet and phone this lady at work told her EVERYTHING and she was.... BRILLIANT !!!! She cried down the phone and said she had realised that I had not been myself at work for a long time. Fell SSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO much better that I dont need to pretned anymore - it is actually liberating to be honest.
Questions for me to ask are , why if everything went so well... did it not work?? Ie responded well to drugs, lots of eggs, sperm count better etc. except we had NO implantation. I think it may have to do with my cyst - which may mean that need LAP but will see.
I must say letting those feelings out does help !!  
Also listening to THE LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY helping me and boogying in the kitchen helps too. 
We will get there hon wont we  Just have to keep believing that it will
GOD, I would LOVE to work in construction .......no baby talk no bloodyb teenagers up the duff saying they dont want it and didnt realise that a baby would not let them go out clubbing DER ?? 
Sound awful dont I  Still looking for a new job thoughb - time to stop looking after others - just myself 
Take Care Sleepy T- PM me anytime


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

Yeah cos people in your line of work need to be of sound mind and you're MENTAL!!!    
You honestly crack me up - even though you are in emotional turmoil - so for that I'm sorry  

Don't be disheartened if they don't have a reason for no implantation. Remember it's almost impossible to define why it didn't happen. It is a numbers game/lottery all that stuff. It just wasn't our time babe - we could be alot worse off  

Delighted to hear you a bit more upbeat than before. You needed to get away from work sweet. 
Good luck with the job-hunting....and dancing....xx


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## FazWorld (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi Chedza,

I had two failed ICSI's in 2001 (within 3 months of each other). The doctors thought that the embies were absolutely brilliant. strong etc - and were totally shocked themselves when I got BFNs each time. My (now unfortunately late  )  doctor had become like a friend so it was even worse when he said he just couldn't understand it. Anyway, the next time round we tried Assited Hatching. I had 3 fresh embies put back in and all 3 implanted, altho one didn't have a heartbeat. I went on to have twin daughters who are actually 5 today  . I think it could have been due to the shell being too thick for the embies to crack open before impantation.. or maybe it was just time for me to have babies...  

Anyway, I had another failed ICSI in Feb 08 (I want more and am now 44 yrs old so need to be quick!!) This time I went for the newer technology of blastocyst transfer. 4 beautiful day 3 8-cell embies became 1 arrested growth, and 2 nasty black blobs with only one embie continuing to grow but showing signs of rapid deterioration (grade CD). They put it back in but I knew the chances were practically non existant. I was still very upset when AF appeared - even tho I had been prepared for it.. especially with the cramps I had been feeling as well.. 

The upset is natural. You pin all your hopes on it getting you out of the hole you feel you are in, only to have to drop down in again at the onset of AF, only the hole seems to deepen. I am sorry for your BFN and hope you will get your dream as I did, and hope to do again... I may have one last go before calling it a day..DH has already convinced himself it isn't going to happen again.

All the best
Fazworld


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