# What would you do....



## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Hi Ladies,
I'm after some advise and wondering what others would do in this situation...
A very good friend of mine is due to give birth this week. She was actually due today.  It's her 2nd child. Her husbands brother is coincidentally getting married this week in another country (this was all planned before she found out she was pregs) and so it's all a bit up in air as to whether or not he will make it to the wedding. They are very close so he would hate to miss it.  If she gives birth in the next few of days and all is ok then he will go for the weekend but if she's late and doesn't give birth then the plan was he wouldn't go.... 

Then today I was asked how I'd feel about stepping in for him at the birth. My friend doesn't want to put any pressure on me at all and knows my history so wasn't how how I'd feel and it was suggested in kind way. 

I feel a bit split. Scared that it would take me over the edge and after making a little progress over the last 9 months, I'm scared it might send me back to the miserable and depressed state I was in after my last try but maybe surprisingly, I am more thinking that this could be a really amazing and wonderful thing to be a part of. It's very likely to be the only chance of me ever experiencing child birth first hand and let's be honest, there's no other way to describe it as something pretty amazing and very special. I told/warned my friend I was likely to be a bit of an emotional wreck but aren't most people anyway witnessing something so special? I also feel pretty honoured to be even asked and considered to be there. 
As usual my DH showed no understanding whatsoever and just muttered something about it being a bit strange.... so I am looking for your thoughts, from people in a similar situation to me going through IF. 

What do you think you would do in this situation?


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

I think it kind of depends where u r at and how well you know yourself.
It's a strange thing to think of but it reminds me of a family funeral I went to last week. It was horrible but at the same time it brought the family closer together. So, I think I am in a position now where I could trust myself to know that it would bring lots of joy to me but I also know that I would need some time emotionally to grieve too .. Bitter sweet xx


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## kk79 (Nov 11, 2013)

Wow thats a toughie. I suppose it boils down to how stong your feeling emotionally and if you could deal with it without driving you self crackers\sad. If I'm honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to do it. As much as I care about my friends and birth must be beautiful in a werid way, you'd be throwing yourself into the lions den head first.... And when ivf isn't going your way, I found it incredibly hard dealing with\seeing\interacting with babies,kids or pregnant people.

But were all different and you might feel you can cope with it. But I think I'd feel it was slightly insensitive of them to ask u der the circumstances .....

Only you know what your capable of tho at the end of the day xxx


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## zoooooommmmm (Aug 5, 2009)

I'd say No. Not on the  basis of not being able to cope with the birth etc but because as the father of this child he should be there. Men who proritise anything over their children don't deserve them anyway in my view. He should stay home with his wife and child to be and bin out the wedding. It was deeply insensitive to ask you if he is aware of your situation and for what, so he can go get drunk at the reception instead of be with his own child.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i agree with zoom


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

I assisted at a friend's home birth almost a decade ago, and it was an amazing experience. (Her DH and sister were there too, as well as the midwife.) It really made me feel more positive about childbirth generally -- it made it seem much more doable and much less traumatic. Having had that experience is really valuable to me now that I'm pregnant myself. Of course, many births don't go smoothly, so you have to be prepared for the fact that you could see some difficult stuff that may stick in your head.

Regarding the husband being there: is that important to your friend, or is she not that bothered about it? I agree with above posters that fathers have an obligation to move heaven and earth to be at the birth if having them there is important to the mother (and they are legally able to attend, not deployed with the military overseas or something like that). However, not all men are great in the delivery room, and it may be that after the first birth your friend isn't that concerned over having him there for the second one. So don't let your availability be something that your friend's husband can take advantage of to get out of his duties, but don't assume he's being an ass -- try to suss out whether having him there is something that is actually important to your friend.

As to what I would do myself.... When I was at my friend's birth, I wasn't trying to get pregnant and had no idea of the infertility marathon that lay ahead of me. Nevertheless, if she asked me today and I was still undergoing infertility treatment, I'd probably still say yes. But I'm fascinated with how the human body works and manages something as complicated and difficult as childbirth. And I've never had any issues being around pregnant ladies and babies while I was struggling through infertility, which I realise puts me in the minority. (My kryptonite is people who are nasty/abusive to their little kids and/or complain about how awful their kids are and how they miss their childfree lives; pregnancy and well-cared-for babies were always fine for me.)

Aside from the issue of whether the husband is trying to get out of his obligations by getting his wife to find a substitute (and I think you do need to investigate that a bit if you're considering saying yes), I guess it really depends on whether you find other people's pregnancies and babies are triggers for your sadness and anxiety related to infertility. If they're not, or not too strongly so, I will say that getting to see a baby actually being born to someone you love is one of life's great moments.


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## kerryh (Apr 15, 2014)

I was present when both my god children were born and I can honestly say it was the most amazing thing to witness and be part of. At the time I didn't realise I would have problems with getting pregnant but even once I'd found out should my friend have been pregnant again I would have been there. It's quite an extraordinary thing and I was surprised just how much a female instinct took over and I just knew how to help her best. Her partner on the other hand, not so much help lol. Which brings me to perhaps not judging the husband for maybe not being there, you don't know but perhaps he was hopeless last time and she is thinking she'd be happier with you there. At the end of the day it is their choice and she must really think you are special and love you a lot to ask for your help. 

I guess it does depend on how you think you will feel, I can only say having done it that its just such a powerful experience I can't imagine ever regretting doing it.


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Thank you for your replies everyone.

It was a false alarm after all because my friend's waters broke today and she is at the moment in labour...with her husband by her side  

He wasn't looking for an escape to party by the way. He isn't a partier. I do honestly think they were genuinely thinking it might be nice for me to have the experience. I probably would have been there too. 

Although saying that, I do think things have worked out for the best this way because I'm now at home, miles away from the hospital and I can't stop crying with the emotion of it all....Not sure what's wrong with me as I wasn't like this with her first. I suppose though, last time I had hope for my self that one day I would experience it myself and now this time, 5 years later....the hope has gone for me....
That's why I originally posted in "Moving On"...but it got moved to here...but never mind.
Thanks everyone xxx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

I'm glad it's worked out well for your friend and her husband's schedule, but I'm sorry you're finding it's stirring up a lot of difficult emotions for you. It's certainly understandable. Sending you big hugs....


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