# 41 and about to start IVF with donor sperm



## poochie2 (Oct 15, 2008)

Hi all,

I'm booked to start IVF with donor sperm next week, my first treatment, and I really don't know what to expect. The clinic have been great, but there are always things you don't ask during an appointment..

I just turned 41, have 7.4 fsh, and a DP with some fairly big genetic reasons not to use his own sperm. He's on board, but not very enthusiastic, which makes it hard to talk. 

Does this ring true with anyone else?

wishing you all luck,


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## madison (May 6, 2005)

HI there,

I just wanted to wish you LOADS of luck   

  Love Katy. xxx


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi Poochie

Well I'm 41 too and just got a BFP via DIUI.  As you can see from my profile, I had three unsuccessfull ICSI using DH sperm prior to this.  Hubbie is on board too.  But, yes, it is hard to talk about the 'donor' bit.  I think men generally aren't good talkers and especially perhaps concerning such a sensitive subject.  I am beginning to consider how DH will cope with us being 'open' and 'honest' with our child (fingers crossed and praying to god that we get to that stage).  And not sure how it will pan out.  It is not something he really wants to talk about right now.  The other thing I find is that men tend not to 'deal' with something until it happens.  They don't seem to plan ahead and weigh up all the pros and cons to things way in advance the way women seem to.

We're not really 'counsellor' type people but we were 'forced' to see a counsellor prior to treatment and he was surprisingly good.  If all goes well I plan to suggest we go to him again for some advice.  I'll let you have his details if it will help.  But, if I were you, I'd concentrate on the getting pregnant bit first and worry and deal with the other stuff as and when it draws nearer.

Wishing you lots of luck.  And congratulations on a great FSH!

Grizzie xx


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## poochie2 (Oct 15, 2008)

Hey Griselda,

Wow, how brilliant about your BFP! I love hearing how strong people get what they want in the end...

I know what you mean about the donor bit, it's all a bit strange. It takes me forever to find a partner I really love, and then I pick my babyfather by ticking boxes off a sheet!!?! 

DP is not overly keen, although strangely he quite likes the idea of donor sperm because of his family's pretty awful health history. But he just can't imagine our lives being turned upside down by a baby. I've already had to promise he won't have to change nappies (I'd promise anything for there to be nappies to change).

Thanks for your advice about the counsellor. I was offered one when I went in, in fact I think its all paid for, so maybe we'll take them up on that,

Hoping you enjoy every single day of your pregnancy, 

And Katy, thanks for your kind words too. I've never felt so in need of support before in my life! 

Poochiex


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## Angelamcintyre (May 15, 2007)

Hi there,

I thought I would jump in as this subject caught my eye as someting that I understand completely being further down the line.  I have a three and half year old donor conceived son as my husband by IVF as he was  was diagnosed with a non obstructive azoospermia seven years ago.  We have been trying to conceive another using reserved donor sperm from the same donor for nearly two and a half years now but have so far been unsuccessful,  I am 41 and so time is running out - so here is hoping!!  My husband was fully supportive with the donor bit as it was the only way I could have a biological child and always has been but I know a lot of men through the network that we are in that it is tricky for a lot of men who are often still struggling with the shock of a diagnosis of infertility or genetic issues tyhat prevent use of their sperm.  We have been really open with our son and there is a brilliant book called "My Story" which introduces the subject really well.  He happily tells you if questioned his Mummy had eggs but Daddy had no sperm and so we used a sperm donor to make him although he is sooon bored by the whole subject in favour of fire engines or planes!!!  We had counselling too although didn't find it very helpful to be honest just a formality that they had to go through before treating us.  We read a really good book by Elizabeth Noble which is brilliant for every aspect of Donor conception from everybody's angle.  When you have your little baby in your arms all the stress is forgotten I promise you and I think as long as you are open with the child and comfortable with the subject yourselves then it is far less of an issue in day to day living than you would anticipate - or has been in our case.  There is a brilliant DI network that I can tell you about if you want to PM me who hold national and local meetings where you can meet other DI partents and children.

Good luck to both you at your stage of treatment

Angela
X


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## poochie2 (Oct 15, 2008)

Hi Angela,

Wow, your message came at just the right time, I had a scan at the clinic today, follicles all bubbling over and good, so booked in for EC on Wednesday. I talked to someone from the donor bank about my Mr X and he was just great. It really helps knowing he has personally met these (very kind and generous) men (London Womens Clinic in London, very good). 

I just got back from a coffee with my DP and he's pretty relaxed about it. Our situation is that he has 98% tetrazoospermia. However, we only did an SA to get a better idea of what my situation was, because although not really officially trying, we've never used any contraception. He has 2 cases of schizophrenia in his close family and quite frankly feels if his bloodline stop there, it's not a bad thing (which makes you wonder why he never suggested contraception but hey, men, you know). So he's happy about the donor sperm. We're very clear that we will be open and honest, but I was slightly alarmed when just now he said he wouldn't ever lie about being the baby's biological father. Well, that's all very well, both of us prefer not to lie about anything, but I would like there to be some control over who knows?? There's a difference between not lying and blurting it to all and sundry..

it worries me that deep down he might not be feeling like he would be 100% the dad. And if I'm lucky enough for this to work, I want my baby to have  a 100% dad. 

The thing he's not so relaxed about is that our Doctor mentioned the possibility of triplets and scared the living daylights out of him. 

Me? I just hope we get the chance to worry about these things.

Thanks for your kind message and for the suggestion of the book and the network. I'll definitely follow those up if we're lucky enough to conceive. 

Lots and lots of luck with your treatment, 

Jo


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## Angelamcintyre (May 15, 2007)

Hi Jo,

It sounds to me like you both have good heads on your shoulders and a sensible approach to it all so I think you will be just fine and as you say and I know exactly how you feel on this one as it took us 6 failed IUIs and years of trying naturally  to conceive - you just want the chance to worry about it all!!

There are plenty of men to talk to in the DI network if your DP feels comfortable with that and it is open to anyone even trying to concevie using Donor eggs and sperm so they would welcome you now if you wanted - they have a website and forum similar to this one and a men only area.

I completely also understand your worries about your DP not feeling 100 percent like the dad - I also worried about this and when I was pregnant with hormones rushing all around my system  I got into a state really thinking that my DH would take one look at our son,  not bonone bit and lose interest!!  This from my point of view was so totally the opposite of what actually happened it makes me laugh now that I ever thought about it!!  DH started to love our baby  from  the moment he was conceived and fell head over heels in love with him once he was born and has remained so ever since.  It is the baby that you fall in love with and want more than anything to protect - not the genetic material so I would put this out of your mind now as I can 99.999 percent guarentee that your DP will be just as smitten!!    It is funny you should mention about your DH's feeelings about the blood line not continuing as my DH's family aslo have a history of some mental illness and he said exactly the same words to me.

I agree with you regarding whoo knows - we have been pretty open with people we feel comfortable with and who we love and love us and it is comes up in conversation I will sometimes tell people depending on how I feel about them really  but it is just not something that comes up a lot and of course once our son is a certain age it is really up to him who he tells and he might not want the whole world knowing about it so this is something that we ahave had no hard or fast rules about but just gone with our gut feelings - I am sure it is not something to worry about you sound really balanced about it al - both of you.

I so hope this time is successful lots and lots and lots of +ve vibes to you both    

Any time you need support you know where I am

X


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