# Don't know what to do!



## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

I am 49 and at the top of the list for donor IVF. I had a life threatening trauma which meant when I would have been planning a child I was dealing with post- traumatic stress. It took  me a long time to rebulid my self and my life but unfortunately in the meanwhile my eggs were dying!

Now on the brink of going ahead after 5 years of fertility issues I feel assailed by doubts. Am I too old? Is it fair to a child? Can I cope? My mum and sister who I thought Iwas quite close to have said' count them out' as they think I am being selfish as I an on- going immune system problems and they are totally negative about the situation. I have always longed for a child  but wonder if I am being fair to any potential child given my circumstances.

After having a massive row with my mum today I feel really weary and upset and any thoughts would be really appreciated.

Thankyou,
Love,
Debbie13xx


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## Murf (Jun 18, 2009)

Wow Debbie, how heavy is this decision sitting on you?  Is it your age that is putting you off or your health issues, I suppose a mixture of both but what I mean is 49 is not old but can you see yourself with a 11 yr old when you are 60 and what does that picture look like.  Personally, I would say follow your heart, you still have loads of years ahead of you, too many to spend every day askling yourself 'what if'  I am sorry you don't feel supported by your family, is your sister younger than you and does she have children herself?  I think you would kick yourself if you never gave it a go, I would say go for it.  I am 38 and currently expecting my first child and I'll be honest, I questioned being an older mum and if anything happened, who would look after my child but now I realise that is a question a 25yr old parent would also have to ask. Age is just a number, it's how you feel, I do think it would be better to have some family support and I hope this comes with whatever decision you make.  Good Luck.  Sharon. xxxxxx


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## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Hi Sharon,

thank you so much for your empathic reply. It is as much my health as my age and I don't know what it would be like to be 60 and have such a young child! I think that is why the decision ways so heavy BECAUSE I care so much about any potential child. 

On the other hand living with never trying seems really distressing.....

I will probably carry on not knowing - until a donor match comes up and then take it from there.

Bless you for answering Sharon and a safe and happy pregnancy to you!

Lots love,
Debbie13XXX


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## CalamityJ (Jun 4, 2008)

Hi Debbie

I'm an older Mum, had my first at 43 and planning another at 45.  I too have given lots of thought to it and decided to give it a go as I don't want to have any regrets later in life just because I may or may not be the wrong-side of 40!  With regards to other people's opinions, no matter how close they are to you, I wouldn't given it a second thought, it really is nobody's business but yours.  We haven't told anyone about our plans for baby no.2 because we'll have enough to deal with and don't want to be concerned with any negativity - we will only tell if/when its a fait accomplis.  I'll gratefully accept any good will we get and to hell with everyone else!   

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but remember it is your decision to make, no-one elses.

CJ x


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## Sparrow17 (Jun 26, 2010)

Hi Debbie,

I really feel for you, as all of this is a difficult enough journey as it is & not having the support of your Mum & sister must be very hard.  I agree with what the other girls have said.  I think the really important issue is your health & as Alice has said, whether a pregnancy would have an adverse effect on it.  I think you need to seek some medical advice on this & then weigh it all up.  Maybe if you could get more medical advice & then sit & explain it all to your Mum & sister, that would help.  Unless you've been in the postion that all the ladies on FF are/have been in, others just can't understand that longing we have for our own wee bundle of joy.

I really wish you well in whatever you decide as it sounds like you've had more than your fair share to contend with in life.  I also agree 100% that this is your decision at the end of the day & if nothing else, I know you will get absolutely great support on here.

Take care of yourself & sending you lots of  

xx


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Hun, if this is something you want to do, do it.  Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had and  bitterely blaming your family.  

From personal experience my mother cried and was very negative when I told her I was pregnant and as I adore my mother I was really upset  anyway because she loves me she increasingly came round and is almost as besotted by my son as I am not to mention quite supportive of a potential sibling.

Having kids is a massive shock and to be honest like nothing you can prepare for or imagine, I've worked hard all my life and glibly assumed it would be just another thing I took in my stride but the sleep deprivation (my son was still waking up 9 times a night when he was 1) was really debilitating but you know what, thats the same if your 28 or 48.  You might not be the most enegetic mother in the playground and might not know whats the latest fashion but you'll bring other things like maybe patience, experience, a sense of perspective.  Current life expectancy for women is over 80 so with luck your child will get over 30 years with you.  My step-sister, who had her children very young died suddenly and unexpectedly when her children where 21 and 17.  You can't predict the future and you'll go mad if you try.  Life is for living and living means taking risks.

Good 

Good luck.


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## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

I just want to say a big thankyou to all the ladies who have taken the time to reply to my post. I have taken advice re my chronic fatigue and my GP sees no  real issue - as aside from that I have no other health conditions - am veggie, have never smoked or drank.  I suspect that if the universe grants me a precious child my mum and sister and all the negatives would come around and want to be part of it.

I agree no one knows the future and young mums die too unfortunately. My current feeling is I am going ahead even with my fears as I have so much love, time and interest to give a child. I am not in paid work because of M.E. and therefore have lots of time to be with my child.

Love to you all and may ALL your dreams come true.

Debbie13

XXXXX


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## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

PS. Alice I am having treatment in this country though have bben unimpressed with the administration and organisation. They quoted 3 months and it will be more like 7-8 and my clock is ticking! I have heard such good reports from clinics abroad particularly ones in Spain but as it is my first time felt too nervous to be in foreign country for treatment and here any child can trace their biological origins.

Lol,
Debbie13XXX


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## Sparrow17 (Jun 26, 2010)

Hi Debbie,

Am really glad all the comments helped you - FF is indeed a wonderful place  

I can totally understand about your ME as I've also had it.  I was diagnosed in 1991 & am pleased to say that I feel as back to normal as possible - don't think you ever fully recover 100%, but the biggest lesson I learnt was to listen to what my body was telling me).  Through my whole infertility journey, ME was never mentioned as been a problem so I don't think it's anything to worry about re pregnancy.  Infact, I have heard stories in the past that some women found once they fell pregnant their ME almost vanished but not sure how true that is?!

Anyway, as your health isn't going to cause problems my advice would be to go for it.

Sending you lots of   &  

xx


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## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks Sparrow. Good to know tht you can almostbe back to how you were before your M.E. I do have stamina problems and get viruses often though. I agree listening to your own body and pacing is vastly important. I go to a Buddhist Meditation class I find  helpful. I have heard that some women with M.E. feel better if pregnant! Hope I get the chance to find out!!! 

I think Sparrow you are right, that only women who have experienced the pain of infertility can understand the deep longing for their own child and the stress of the journey to try to achieve that. It does help to have such wise and empathic feedback.

You know what pisses me off most,  lots of negative comments from women who have had their own children but want to deny me the same opportunity.

Anyway that's my mini rant.

Love and light.

Debbie13.XXX


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## CalamityJ (Jun 4, 2008)

Dear Sparrow and Debbie

I also have/had M.E. (unable to work for 5 years, was in a wheelchair when at my worst) - I agree that you're never over it 100% but can learn to live with it and deal with it in different ways.  I get relapses at times of stress and need to revert to managing levels of activity etc.  I too was worried about being pregnant, coping with labour and a newborn etc but I felt great during my pregnancy and I had no relapses during or after labour and when caring for my son as a newborn I just made sure I rested as much as I could and that seemed to do the trick.  Now he's running about all over the place and I'm managing well and working 4 days a week (some early nights needed!) so there is a good chance that you too may manage perfectly fine.  I do have a very helpful partner though and is definitely an asset   

CJ x


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## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Dear CJ,

thank you for this a positive reply. I have not really had a chance to speak with anyone with M.E. and planning IVF. I had to give up my work as a therapeutic masseuse which I loved and for the last 8 years have done vol work as then I am more free when I have a relapse. I do find pacing hard and resting for that matter! The dreaded 'R' word!!!!  I think that my health has been the major worry for people around me who worry I won't be able to cope- so have I at times but I have no time to get any betterand how can you know how you will be?

I am so glad you are much better and that you are coping well with parenthood. Yes I too feel worse under stress and these last 6 months just waiting for a donor have been very hard at times.


Anyway thank you for your kind words,

Love,
Debbie13


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## Sparrow17 (Jun 26, 2010)

Hi girls,

We're getting 2 for the price of 1 here - fertility advice & able to share our ME stories  

CJ, good to know that you had no relapses during your pregnancy or labour & that your wee treasurer is running around having a ball.  You definately have to learn how to manage ME & as you say, having a supportive partner makes a huge difference.  I also have a very supportive family & couldn't have got through my ME without them - hadn't met my DH at that stage.

Debbie, such a shame you had to give a job you loved so much.  Like you, I started doing voluntary work when I started to feel better & this led to a job which was perfect as they knew all about the ME.  I think coping with a pregnancy/childbirth/caring for a baby is something that no-one knows how they'll cope with whether they are perfectly healthy or not.  In other words, I wouldn't let ME stop you from trying to have your own wee baba at all & am sure those around you will be supportive despite any reservations they may have at the moment.

Here's to lots of happy times ahead xx


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