# What to do...



## Furmummyx2 (Sep 5, 2011)

Well, hubby and I have been married a year and a half and we havent had it easy.
I have chronic abdo and pelvic pain and hubby has recently started a job.   
We said that we would try and suddenly turned around and said that he doesnt feel ready/worried about space/worried about money.
I just want some advice,what do I when your OH isnt 100% behind you??

It feels like we want different things. I want us to have a baby and he doesnt (right now anyway)
I have wanted his child from day one and I had to hide everything as his parents are religious. (we had to sleep in seperate rooms, we got married at 18 so we could live together)

I dont know what to do, everytime we talk about it I end up screaming at him, he's totally unresponsive and unwilling to talk about it


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## Bluething (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi mrsxg!
Unfortunately I don't think there are any easy answers, but I didn't want to read and run either!  I don't know if it will help but a similar thing happened with my husband and I when we decided to take a break from ttc.  My husband did such a good job of outlining what he saw as the "pros" of not having children (being able to go on holiday, not having to get up in the morning...) that I became convinced that he didn't want children at all.  I became used to the idea that to stay with my husband meant not having children, and I love my husband so I put my child related feelings into a box and tried really hard to move on.  Then we moved back to our home town, after spending 5 years on our own in Somerset, and my sister announced she was having a baby and suddenly my husband went "Let's try again!"  It is no exaggeration to say that I was incredibly surprised and all of my confusion came out by us having a couple of really unpleasant days where we had some really difficult discussions!  It turns out he thought he was helping by pointing out the positives of our situation and by trying to get us into a financially secure position and didn't realise how that was being translated by me into "I don't want children".  He also wanted us to go back to how we were before all the stress of ttc as he felt he had lost me to it all.  We're now settled in our new home, we are picking up some kind of social life and we are actively trying again - waiting for a referral to the hospital as we have now moved PCTs so need to start all over again...  

So I suppose what I wanted to say was you are not alone, and men react differently to us about this issue.  It might be that he feels he is protecting you from disappointment by saying "let's wait", or he may just want some time with you, or he may want to wait for a while until he feels you have enough security to provide what he wants to provide for your child.  The only way you are going to know is if you talk to him about it, and even then it might take some time.  My husband refuses to talk about things when I am upset and although it drives me crazy it does mean that neither of us say things we regret...  Maybe wait for a time when you are both relaxed and calm and just ask where he feels he is at and what he sees as the future of your ttc journey.

Sending you lots of  
xxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi mrsxg

My DH has never been 100% behind having a baby - and still isn't now. He says he's only agreeing to go along with things because he can see how much I want it and how upset I am every month when things don't happen. He's always been really honest with me, and we've had many MANY difficult conversations, but he's always come around to things in the end and been willing to push his boundaries and give things a go. He always said right from the start he didn't want to go as far as IVF, then did when the time came. Then said he didn't want to consider the donor egg option, but has now agreed to go on the waiting list. However, I'm not sure all of this would have been possible without the help of a Relate counsellor. Before we saw her I struggled to even get DH to feel comfortable with me coming off the pill - he was convinced I'd get pregnant straight away (if only!) and was like your DH with worrying about finances, the size of our house, the changes to our lifestyle and basically not really wanting what I wanted! I'll be honest, it's been mega stressful at times, so I do understand how you feel.

Apart from the 'baby issue' there was/is nothing wrong with our relationship, we are very happily married so I felt a bit of a fraud going to 'Relate' as I always thought that was only for couples who were about to split up - and that definitely wasn't us. However, the counsellor was great and said it was a very common issue (the woman wanting a baby, the man not). Would you and DH consider that? I didn't think my DH would consider it, but when I _reluctanty _ mentioned it to him he just said "ok" - I was shocked! I'll admit he did start off at each session like a grumpy teenager but by the end of each session was joining in and saying how he really felt. Anyway, it got us to where we are now so just thought it might be an option for you also, but also wanted to let you know you're not alone....


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## Furmummyx2 (Sep 5, 2011)

Thank you for the replies ladies. 
I means a lot knowing i'm not alone.
I will defo look into the relate counseller NosilaB  Thank you.

I just really wish he'd talk to me and honestly tell me what he's thinking!

I know he loves me and he's been SO supportive of everything but TTC its like a no go area!!
xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Good luck mrsxg, I really hope it all works out for you, especially the Relate option.  My DH really loves and cares for me too, and is supportive in every other aspect of our lives (and as much as he can be re babies!) but he's always hated talking about ttc, it's never been easy, so I know exactly how you feel  

xxx


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