# Feeling conflicted



## Kate87 (Sep 20, 2015)

So my brother announces his wife is pregnant for the second time and I thought I would cope better this time round - fake smile at the ready hiding the fact it's like being stabbed in the heart. At the same time I felt guilty cos he was nervous to tell us as he didn't want to upset us.  
Does it ever get easier - don't get me wrong I love my nephew and I am sure I will feel same about new baby but it kills


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## Teeinparis (Sep 15, 2013)

I am pregnant and was upset that I found out my SIL was pregnant naturally and several years older with her second due one month after ours.  To be honest I was fine until a few months into the process people didn't tell us as thought we would be upset.  Never occurred to me to be upset until then.  

I don't know your situation but someone on here once said - there are many babies and they are having theirs not yours.  Or something like that which made me feel much better.  

Saying that all the tests, and hormones screw with you!


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

my sil gave birth in april this year, we have a very good relationship - love her and her hubby to bits however i cried my eyes out when we were told she was pregnant, straight after they got married so they'd been 'trying' for like a month! it was just another 'big pointing finger' screaming whats wrong with me - i must be broken - why can't it be me!!! my DH didn't deal too well either and he really struggled with being happy for his little sister and the pain he was feeling. fast forward 12 months and we now have a gorgeous baby niece who we both adore and love spending time with but the pain is still there - maybe not as raw because as with everything you get used to it over time - but every time i have to hand her back to her mom & dad it still hurts.

the conflict will always be there - i have a 10 year old niece from my sister so have had to figure out a way of not letting my IF crap disrupt the great relationship i have with her; she's obviously far too young to understand why she doesn't see her Aunt and Uncle much anymore so i have to force myself sometimes to make the effort with her as we were really close before i started ttc and don't want to lose that. 

but it still hurts that i may never have a beautiful child of my own calling me mom - i wish i was able to offer you some words of wisdom but i just haven't figured it out myself yet - but you're not alone. i would however stress that the pain is worth having a close relationship with nieces and nephews; i love mine to bits and couldn't imagine my life without them.

sending you love and hugs xxx


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## Katekate (Oct 12, 2015)

I don't wish this to sound awful but I'm so relieved to hear of someone else in the same boat. My SIL gave birth today and so I'm here looking for a post that says 'read this and you'll magically stop feeling guilty'. 

I've not spoken to her for the last few months - I can't bare the pain of hearing all about what pregnancy is like when I'm so jealous to experience it for myself rather than second hand. But I feel guilty because I know she and my brother are tip-toeing around trying not to say anything that might upset me or DH and I don't want to be the cause of them not doing normal baby announcements. 

Hearing the news through my mom today didn't sting as much as hearing they were pregnant - time I guess, but I can't find the will or desire to ring or even text to congratulate them when it feels like lies. For now I'm planning on sending something in the post which allows me that bit of distance.

Keep hanging onto mantras like 'this is their turn, not yours. It WILL happen'


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## Inca43 (Jul 12, 2015)

Hi all
I too have been struggling every since my mc 2 years ago and all the ivf that has followed and now led to me using donor eggs instead of my own.. It still hurts incredibly that others want and then magically have their own babies without any of this heart ache. I personally accept that it is ok to feel these emotions - its difficult enough feeling and coping with them without feeling bad about having these emotions. Most of my friends now know that its too hard for me to be around babies and some are so supportive they even let me know when friends with babies are coming over so that I can decide whether I can face them or not. for me it is a sad situation but I cannot see whoevers baby as a little person, but just that it is something that I want immediately and have tried and can't have. Even more hurt to think I can't have my own genetic baby. 
What we are all going through is a tough difficult situation. Be so kind to yourself and try to accept all you need to do to support yourself and stay as strong as possible during this. You won't go through this forever, it is a temporary state that somehow will find a solution - with or without babies, and while you may always hurt some, chances are you will not hurt as much as this further down the line. Right now, do what you have to do. Those that truly love you will help in any way they can and sadly some people will not be able to support. I have lost friends I never thought I would, I have gained friends I never thought I would. 
It sounds as if your bro is supportive if he was nervous of telling you, and it also sounds as if you are finding a way through coping with it. I think you're doing an outstanding job in a really tough set of circumstances.
I hope that helps a little xxx


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