# calling all adoptive mummies - useful questions



## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Looking back on your adoption story can you think of useful questions you asked the foster carers and questions that you wished you had asked prior to matching / placement??

I know a few of us are meeting foster carers (pre or post matching) in the next few weeks and thought it would be good to have a list we can all use to help us.

I have thought up some 'starters' which I suppose would be somewhat generic for a baby/child of preschool age but I am just guessing here .

UPDATED TO INCLUDE SOME GOOD SUGGESTIONS (08.10.06)

*General*

Describe his/her personality
Where do you, as a carer, feel that s/he is developmentally?
What activities does s/he enjoy currently?
What things does s/he love or hate?
Are there specific attachment issues I need to be aware of?
What is his/her weight/height?
Personality wise, check if they prefer women to men or no preference. 
Can they handle groups of people or do they get overwhelmed? 
Do loud noises make them jump? 
Do they like kisses and cuddles or do they hate to be fussed?

*Practicalities and purchases questions*

What equipment will be coming with him/her (eg car seat; buggy; bouncer etc)
What weight/height is s/he (re car seats, strollers etc)
What would you recommend we buy?
Is s/he in a moses basket,cot or a bed at present?
What size of clothes does s/he currently wear? 
Will he/she be arriving with plenty clothing?
Will s/he need new clothes by the time of placement?
What type (reusable or disposable) and size of nappies/pull up pants?
Type of washing powder?...but only if this is practical for you to continue using this.

*Daily life*

what is his/her routine?
What are the 'day to day' struggles?
favourite toys and tv programmes
Food - any favourites and can s/he feed him/herself?
How does s/he let you know that she needs/wants something?
What non verbal signs should i look for regarding sleepiness/anxiety/worry etc?
Do they go to groups and are mixing with other children. 
If they are not babies ask what sort of discipline they are used to, eg do they use a naughty step or chair?
Are they used to a radio at night or having a bottle in bed? - just so you know.

magenta xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Magenta

You sound a lot more prepared than we were  .  I can't really add much to what you've already thought of.  

Personality wise, check if they prefer women to men or no preference.  Can they handle groups of people or do they get overwhelmed?  Do loud noises make them jump? Do they like kisses and cuddles or do they hate to be fussed?  These are the questions we should have asked about our DS if we'd been as prepared   

Practically, although the SW's say about trying to keep things as similar as possible (eg using the same washing powder) it's not always that practical or necessary.  Our Foster Carers used to put Junior off to sleep with a radio in his room but we soon found out that was not necessary.  They also used to put him to bed with a bottle of milk in his cot but that wasn't something I was happy with as I'd read it wasn't good for children's teeth.  Don't expect them to necessarily come with loads of clothes, you will probably need to buy some more as the foster carers will want to keep some for their next placement, and always get two sizes as they grow so quickly.

Daily life, ask if they go to groups and are mixing with other children.  If they are not babies ask what sort of discipline they are used to, eg do they use a naughty step or chair?

What I would suggest is that you don't overwhelm the foster carers on the first meeting, you don't want them to feel like they are in the Mastermind chair     Try and get a more general feel for the child and their personality, the foster carers will probably be happy to talk loads about the child, and then make sure you get all your other questions answered during the intros.

Hoping that you are all soon in a position to ask these questions.

love
Cindy


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## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Wow Magenta what a great post, you are definitely more organised than me. That list you've prepared will be very useful for us in the next few weeks.

We've bought a pushchair today    and I was going to buy a carseat but we don't know what he weighs so that'll be a question we need to ask as we'll to have to have one in the car for intros etc. I was also going to ask if he uses a dummy as dd never had one (her choice not mine, I would have loved a bit of peace). I was also going to buy loads of clothes but as i'm not sure how big he is, he's 16 months now but i'm not sure if he's normal, big or small for his age so I just bought some age 2-3 outfits so at least he can grow into them. Also i'll need to speak to FC to see what will be coming with him.

I'm feeling a bit frazzled now because I need to be giving 4 weeks notice at work but as usual the SW's haven't given a definite date although it is hoped to start at the end of next week. My HR manager just told me I could put holidays in until then. I'm at work tomorrow  but just can't wait to meet my little boy so my mind is not on my job at all (my poor colleagues will be sick of me). Anyway better get back to my pile of ironing.

Looking forward to everyones replies,

Val x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Magenta

I can't add anything to what you or the "others" have already said apart from, relax and good luck for your meeting, let us know how you get on!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Fab post Magenta.. and very helpful to me over the next few weeks.  EEKKKKKKKKKKKK, I can barely wait, I am getting so excited.

I can't really add much to what has already been said.. but will be writing those questions down when the time comes for me.

Thank youuuuu !!

Love Cx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Great list Maggie

The only thing I would add is about food.  Likes and dislikes and depending upon age, if they are feeding themselves.

One of our FC's got a bit stroppy at our meeting as she said it didn't matter what she did that I should/would do my own thing.  I said that in the first few weeks I would keep things relatively the same and introduce change gradually to help make a smooth transition, she soon chilled out a bit as she could see we were doing it with X's best interest at heart.

Good Luck
Karen x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

i can only reiterate what someone else has said, don't get too stressed about the specifics. You'll work stuff out for yourself that suits you all when she moves in.

We didn't have a great experience with Boo's FP. It started well, but they were very attached so got really stressful during the intros. So you might want to play it by ear with all the questions to start with. Anyway you can find out how experienced they are?, how long she's been with them etc. 

let us know how it all goes,
XXXRuthie


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Wow Magenta - what a great list!  You are soooo well prepared.  The only thing I would add is to find out if they have any allergies and do you need to use specific washing powders, shampoos, etc.  Something we did towards the end of intros was to give a couple of our cotbed sheets to FC to put on Daisy's cot for the last few nights she was with them so when she came to us she had sheets in her cot with her familiar smells on them.

Lots of love
Lauren xxx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi

A small thing I would add, do they have the red book? for upto date info on injections etc.

Also our FC was fab and pooh bear had load of cloths toys etc so try not to buy to much before intros and he was also a big baby so in older size clothes, we were also given his car seat sodid not have to buy that. 

Hope that helps and good luck.

PBMxxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hope you don't mind me popping in on this thread - but as someone who with her DH is going to be considering applying for adoption end of next year, I was soooo confused yet excited to see how many of you in your signature details had managed to adopt children under the age of 18 months!! According to the wide range of sources I have read, including the British Association for Adoption and Fostering website, the message I've been given loud and clear was that in the Uk the average age of children awaiting adoption is from 4yrs upwards, with many local authorities not even giving you time of day if you want to request any one younger or that is certainly the case in my county!!!!! I am being fed some false info here, or is it a case that you guys are rare in that in order to be matched with such tiny ones you have had to follow extra measures and wait beyond the norm specifically for under 18 months?? I AM CONFUSED!!!!!! Any info on the TRUE picture of uk adoption ages at present would be so fab, as it will have a huge influence in the decision my DH and I make next year. Please feel free to PM me if not appropriate to answer this query on this thread. THANK YOU for your time x

Love
Hippy
xxxxx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Hippy,

what you've been told is true, and most LAs will not take on people who will only consider babies. But having said that many of us on here have been matched with preschoolers. Under 18months is rare though. We were matced with a 2.5 year old boy who we refer to as Boo on here. He's the light of our lives and feels like hes been here all his life. So don't get too hung up on age because once you fall in love with whoever you are matched to their age really doens't matter. You might miss some of their milestones, but you get all the rest of them.

good luck with whatever you decide,
XXXRuth


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