# I want to feel happy again



## Tasha_1977 (Sep 25, 2005)

Hi girls,

My first ICSI cycle failed 3 weeks ago today. 

Some days i think i am fine. I can laugh and i can even talk about my infertility without crying and sometimes very rationally. People find it hard to know what to say to us. All Dh and I seem to get is 'you are both so young - you'll get there'. I know we do have age on our side but it is not a guarantee! I am so scared that this will never happen to us. Naively i thought that IVF would solve all our problems. People convinced me that it was going to work because we were young, fit and healthy. We did everything right and it still failed.

People used to say to me that i had a beautiful smile. Everyone used to comment on it - even strangers sometimes! I actually used to feel pretty once upon a time. Now i feel so low! I have gone up two dress sizes from a combination of fertility drugs (clomid then straight onto ICSI) and comfort eating.  I look at myself and wish i could find myself again. I know Dh adores me and he makes every effort to boost my lagging self-esteem but i know what i look like. I want my smile back. I want my bounce back. I want my life back!!!

Today i had a really good day at work. It all changed when i walked into a supermarket after work and saw an old school friend with her new baby. I came straight home and opened a bottle of wine! I feel like everyone finds it easy except for Dh and me! And yet out of everyone i know we are the most healthy - eating organic food, not smoking, usually not drinking or only moderately! We belong to a gym etc etc and it makes me feel like a fraud when they all say why do we bother. I sometimes wonder myself you know!

I feel so cheated by life! Why am i so maternal and yet unable to have a baby easily! Why couldn't i be one of these women who hated children? (I am a nursery nurse then went on to do my teaching degree so I have always loved working and being around young children). Why is it that my Dh and I have such an amazing relationship and yet we are the ones who suffer while couples who hate each other pop babies out like rabbits?

I really want to get on with feeling better so i am ready for my FET. I'm sorry if i am over-reacting and feeling sorry for myself.  I know lots of you have been through much more than i have. I guess i just need to vent without upseting Dh more again. I know he wouldn't want me to shield him but he feels guilty enough about the male factor diagnosis and i wouldn't want to hurt him anymore than necessary for the world.

Is it normal to cope like this? I thought i would mourn for a while and then things would gradually get better. I seem to be fluctuating so much.  I tried ringing the counsellor at my clinic a week ago and i left a message but no one has gotten back to me. I had counselling at the beginning of the year too and it helped a lot but sometimes i just feel like there is nothing left to say or what anyone can say new to me? 

Thank you for allowing me to get some feelings out. I feel so angry right now. It does help writing things down.

Love to everyone else on here. We need lots of it after all.

love Tasha xxx


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## Mrs-GG (Feb 9, 2005)

Tasha
I think the good and bad day experience is the norm and something we have to work through. I think it is absolutely fine to feel angry, sad, frustrated etc mixed with feeligns of normality and happiness. It is a really complex business this lark isnt it. I read some chapters in "conquering Infertility" by Alice Domarn recently which was quite comforting as it made me feel it was ok to feel down then up then down again, jealousy, rage etc etc. It might help sort things out in your head, it also has some good relxation/coping tips.
Sending you cyber hugs
mrs-GG


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## ♥ cat ♥ (Apr 13, 2003)

Hi Tasha

Well i had my 2nd failed IVF today and i went to that DREADED shop and i seen all the pregnant woman and all the babies and yes i bought that expensive bottle of wine and tried to dwell on things, but i am not going to let my self go back into that dark hole i landed of the last time. My medicine is get very drunk and enjoy yourself. God knows you deserve it and also very important is to plan for the future. My DP has promised me a holiday in October so as you see below i have set a count down he ain't get out of that promise easily!!! 
Our time will come. I 100% believe that our time will come.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Tasha & cat, just wanted to send you both big     

pam xx


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## lau (Oct 11, 2005)

tasha
i know exactly how you are feeling,when you hear someone moaning about their children or you see a mother shouting at their child in the street you just want to say "do you know how lucky you are"
i conceived naturally about 5 years ago but it was ectopic  and have had 2 cycles of icsi the last one in may which i thought had failed as it was a negative on my test date but went on to have really bad pains and bleeding 2 weeks later and it has turned out i was pregnant but this to was ectopic. i think the only way that i get through it is to believe in my heart that one day i will be a mother and that some people just have to work harder to realise their dreams
please don`t ever give up hope because at the moment thats the only thing we have got
lots of love and hugs
lau


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Tasha, Cat and Lau

Just loads of big hugs for you all        

Take care of yourselves
Love
Tracy


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## fatcat (Mar 12, 2005)

I know exactly how you are feeling. Most of the time I have been feeling ok, and even happy, after I got over the first shock - I was soooo convinced it had worked- but then I have days when I just can't face the world and feel so flat and low. Having a bad patch just now, which is probably a combination of first AF after the BFN and desparate need of a holiday on top of it all- plus we have our next appt coming up, and I think the thought of doing it all again is rather daunting.
Big hugs to you all   and here's hoping next time round it's BFPs all round!!!


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## Dobby (Oct 23, 2005)

Awww Tasha

Just wanted to say I am sorry for how you are feeling.. I felt exactly the same after my first ICSI.  Never felt that bad after the 2 IUIs but I was convinced the ICSI was going to work.

The thing that made me feel better was to start planning 'what to do next...'.  I made long lists of all the things I was going to do like eat 5 portions of veg a day (and didn't do..) and planned dates for my next cycle.

I felt such a failure, it was hard to convince myself that there were lots of people in far worse situations than me.  I think it is hard for partners/husbands/men in general to really understand as well, but everyone here knows exactly how you are feeling.

I hope you fell better soon... but what you are feeling is really normal, so don't be hard on yourself... it just takes time.

Take care,

Dobby


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## KerryO (Apr 25, 2006)

Tasha, I was reading your post and thinking 'that could so easily have been me who'se written that', we too are young, I'm only 29 and our first icsi failed back in April (we also have male factor). I can remember as the consultant did the transfer he said to me 'you're so young and that's why you're going to be one of my success stories. You ARE going to get pregnant, right?'. Of course I knew at the time there are no promises but he was so sure, and dh and I were so sure too ... I went into the whole thing feeling so positive, and we did get a positive result - a chemical pregnancy that lasted only two days before af reared her head. It was such a kick in the teeth after being so sure that it would work it hadnt, we were left feeling like we'd been cheated. I know exactly how you feel hun, and each day since has been different, sometimes good and sometimes I despair. My attitude to our next try has been tainted somewhat, sometimes I get that positive feeling back and other times I am convinced that it will be a waste of time and of course it wont work, it didnt before. Honestly though, I think we do need to just take each day as it comes. And like one of the other women here has said, try to plan ahead or you will feel like youre flailing around with only past failures to your name. Our next go should be in July (self funded), like you we're already doing all we can to be ready for it, eating right etc but this time i'm trying acupuncture. I've booked a course to start next week and so that will at least give me something constructive and regular that I can do to feel like we're progressing towards that elusive positive. Hav eyou thought about trying this? I've read that it can increase success rates (so far only in small studies). I do feel for you babe, I'm so happy for you though that you've got such a close bond with dh. Its what gets me through too ... its a positive in its own right you know. Sending you big  
Kerry x


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## Tasha_1977 (Sep 25, 2005)

Hi girls,

Thank you for such lovely messages and positive thoughts. It helps a lot.

We had our review this week and had a bit of a shock.  They may have discovered a couple of new problems - WITH ME! I was always the one they said was fine.

I have to have a hysteroscopy to look at womb lining hopefully in about a month. Both Dh and i agreed with our consultant and felt it was probably worth getting this done before we have our frosties put back.

They have also discovered i have polycystic ovaries but not the syndrome.  I have slightly raised LH levels in comparison to my FSH  (on th cycle FSH was 4.3 and LH was 4.1).  They said this is affecting my egg quality (ie over ripe and immature eggs). They reckon this can be corrected on my next fresh cycle with drugs.

Does anyone else know anything about these issues? 

Thanks again girls. Love to you all and wishing hard for all of our BFP's.
love Tasha xxx


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