# I have to stop feeling so bad ....



## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

HI Ladies

I am so low at the moment and I am trying to feel more positive and find other ways to deal with this issue (infertility). My mother doesnt understand me, she doesnt believe that I have a fertility problem and my father feels the same. Sometimes I have to talk to people from work to tell them about my fertility issue, but I dont want to do this anymore. They understand how I feel, but deep down I feel that noone does (unless you are in this position), not even my Dr. My friend doesnt even understand and when I talk about my fertility problem she doesnt even reply. When she asks for help, I always do. So I think thats not a true friendship, but more like using me. I feel completly alone and I want this feeling of misery to stop. The only thing that makes me happy is my job, I enjoy it so much that when I do work I am the happiest person on earth. How can I sustain that feeling of happiness? I enjoy caring for people, surely I deserve to have a child (if there is a god out there that is willing to listen to me). People like me and my partner deserves a child. The problem is when you go out there- the injustices that I have seen around- women shouting at their children, not giving them enough attention when they cry ,smacking them in front of your eyes, some parents not working having a reason to..., an angry woman pushing the child, dressing the kids nicely (dont see that anymore), be a proper parent ...I dont understand!. Are some people meant to have children, so the rest of us can take care of all this mess?  Perhaps you have these feelings of injustice? why them and not me? please dont judge me, sometimes infertility can make you change the perception of the world. Thats how I feel at this time. 

My family doesnt understand me, the world doesnt understand me, only few people do and I dont know any of them who are in this position. So thats why I come here to read what other people are feeling and I can say exactly " thats how I feel". Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling? hugs, Hope xx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Hope

You are definitely not alone - I (and many others) - feel exactly the same way as you do. I know because about a month ago I started a thread because i felt so low, and I got so many replies from lovely ladies who supported me and tried to expalin their feelings - I know soon you too will get lots of supportive messages.

It is natural to wonder "why?" - why there are so many parents out there who don't appreciate their children (and yet seem to be able to procreate with no problems multiple times). Just today there is the case about that little girl whose mother starved her to death and has been convicted of mansluaghter only because she claimed she was depressed and so had diminished responsibility! She had many children - there is no fairness when it comes to fertility it seems - we are just suffering from IF and it is a lonely road. FF is a great site for support, but when it comes to our non-cyber friends/relatives, unless they have been through IF, they have no idea how devastating it is. It affects every area of our lives, and I am certainly struggling with my friendships at the moment. My family try and empathise, but when your mother had had two children by the age of 21, she can never really understand fully the pain of losing a child (prenatally), having mcs and not being able to "fall" pg when planned!

You are right about IF affecting your perception of the world - it has made me bitter. I am sure that right now, the way you are feeling, the whole world seems full of pg women, babies, people pushing prams etc. Perception is subjective, and your experience of IF will naturally cloud how you see the world. Don't feel that you will be judged because you expressed your true feelings - that's what FF is for. Although I may not have been through your exact experience,  can tell from your post the level of pain you feel and how you want the feelings of isolation to stope. You want to be understood.

I wish I could tell you how to feel better - for me, I firmly believe that the feelings of grief that we have about not being able to have a child, will take time to work through. I just take one day at a time. If i manage to get up and get on with my day, continue to work, i think I've had a good day. It is brilliant that you love your job - at least that is something that is right in your world. Do be kind to yuorself, and don't beat yourself up for feelings that are perfectly understandable and in my humble opinion, "normal".

Take care and a big   

Nbr68xx


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi NBr68xx

Thanks for responding. 

I am sorry to hear about your lost, sounds like you been through a lot yourself. So much dedication to have a child from everyone in here, and yet those people with children and no fertility issues will say " it was an accident", or " I had him/her when I was 12" to later not love them like they should. I will never call a child an accident, but a miracle of life. I feel that the government is helping more teenagers to have children than people with fertility issues. I know what the Dr will say next week (" sorry no NHS treatment, your FSH is too high") thats why I feel so low and lost.  I feel the pain of everyone here, I feel I have lost something I never had. How can that be possible? Like myself, dont give up - I will continue this road no matter how painful it is to have a baby one day. Lots of hugs , Hope xx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hope, I really wish that I could say something to make you feel better - but the truth is that the grief you feel is so familiar to all of us who have been down a journey that at times seems cruel beyond belief. You can see from my signature that 2009 was not a good year for me 

I do get so angry about the lack of financial support for IF - when it is an illness - when it is not self inflicted. Don't get me started on the amount of money the NHS would throw at me if I had smoked and drunk all my life and needed treatment for those self inflicted illnesses that go alongside that sort of bodily abuse! I like so many, feel that teenage pgs are not good always "accidents" - sometimes as has been proven they are "career" choices. Not all, but a significant amount nonetheless. many people would say women like me (in their 40s) should,not expect to have children - we have missed the boat. What they never know is the back story - in my case the fact that i have been actively TTC since I got married in 1995, and trying with medical assistance for more than 10 years now. Only been pg twice (both assisted) and now have lost one son in utero and had one mc. In all that time of trying.

None of this is our fault - but we feel bitter because it all seems so unfair. i am running out of time - I am glad you feel that you will keep trying. When i was 37 after my first IVF, I got so traumatised by the experience that I left it another 18 months before trying again - stupid! i regret that so much now. Keep trying Hope, and keep posting your feelings - it may help even a little.

I am   that your dreams come true

Nbr68xxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Hope,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I think most of us on this site and probably everyone on this board knows just how you're feeling. The rest of the world doesn't understand, no but there are people here who do. Keep posting. You will find some great support.
The sense of injustice, yes, I know exactly where you're coming from. Don't get me started on teen pregnancies, or I'll never stop. It is true, it's not always an accident. I know of one case where the first one may have been but the second definitely wasn't. There are all sorts of reasons why these girls want to have them, of course and usually they've no idea what they're letting themselves in for but really there's no excuse. Sometimes it is a genuine accident because they don't realise how fertile they are and as my DH says, they don't think it will happen to them but sometimes they just want a home of their own.
I don't go out much, either and mostly for the reasons you don't. I can't bear to hear children yelled at and if the parents slap them it tears me inside. It's bad enough that we don't have them but then when you see them dragged around and hit...! Again, it's often young mothers who simply haven't grown up enough (but not always, there was a ghastly programme about fundamentalist Christians who hit their kids with things on Bio a couple of weeks ago). I just wish I had the courage of Tracey Hogg, the 'Baby Whisperer'. She's brought out a book about toddlers and in it she says that when she saw one woman hit her child, she yelled at her, 'You bully!' I wouldn't have the nerve, I just go away and fume but I admire her. 
Again, like you, I can't bear to hear about abuse and that story about the child who was starved was sickening. It does seem as if the woman starved all of them and they didn't even have a bed, just a mattress on the floor. If she _was_ seriously depressed, she probably didn't fully realise what she was doing but if she had let the social services into her house, they might have helped her get some sort of medication and obviously they could have helped the children. 
Yes, there's no justice.
Anyway, off the soapbox! I can't do anything about any of it but it makes me so mad!  I just wanted to let you know you're not alone but you do still have time on your side. I'm now in my late forties and have a variety of health conditions, which would probably cause problems if by some miracle, I did get pregnant. Also, we've no money, so we can't pursue any options anyway. You should still be entitled to help from the NHS. It does seem to me that if the doctors can deny you treatment, they will (it always comes down to money!) but you are entitled to it. Tell your doctor how you feel and get what help you can. 
Sorry for the length of this post. I don't suppose it's been much help but at least you know there's someone else who fumes about the sort of people who have children so incredibly easy and then abuse them, while we just can't get off first base!
Look after yourself.  Vent as much as you like. 
Nbr, how are you?  Are the days feeling a little less grim? Like you both, there are times when I am very glad I have to work. It does help.

Rowanx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi Rowan - so glad you came along to support Hope - Hope, Rowan is a star! She helped me when I posted a while ago feeling really down!

Rowan, days still grim - but what can I do? I just accept this is my lot, get angry, feel really tired with it all. So glad it is the weekend soon. Atleast i can stay in the safety of my home and not have to confront the outsdie world and all the injustices I see. Ho hum!  

How are you feeling healthwise? Anthing worrying you right now - other than IF of course!

Nbr68xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Nbr,

Not too bad today, thanks, feel tired and a bit sugary, also hormonal. The period is a day late. Now, imagine what I'm telling myself...!
The chances of it happening are so close to zero they might as well be non existent but I can't help thinking, 'What if...?!' 
It's more likely to be a response to the amount of herbs I'm eating! I'm on agnus castus, maca and red clover blossoms. They're all supposed to help improve fertility, according to the research I've done but I do know that clutching at straws isn't always a brilliant idea!
I'll be glad when the spring gets here. My diabetes is controlled mostly by diet and exercise but when it's pouring with rain and blowing a gale, I don't particularly want to go out for a walk!
How are things? Is the weather any better for you?
Thank you for your kind remarks, by the way!  I do wonder whether anything I say helps anybody but sometimes people post and they're in so much pain I can't just read and run! 
There's not very much help in the outside world, is there? There has to be somewhere we can go and find some!

Rowanx


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