# Why can't the world stay still for a bit?



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hello Ladies, 

Am posting here because despite my best efforts life and some people in it just seems like it's taking the  widdle at the moment .

I am currently sat here wondering how on earth we will find the money for any further treatment, after full immunes tests, hysto, scratch, and embryo scope, immune treatment and 3 cycles at a clinic I trust implicitly we are still facing life without children, and that's a life that I know I'm not willing (or able) to accept.

I've also lost my (best friend) during the last two years treatment because she cannot understand why I would have needed any support during my cycles and has due to her own problems has not been in touch at all during treatment despite living only a few doors away. When I tried to speak to her I was told she can't handle dealing with my problems right now and has enough of her own.......... She's even gone as far as to say me telling her I was hurt, was an attack at a time she was vulnerable................ wtf? we ended the original conversation with a hug and she seemed fine at the time. I'm grieving I realise for a friendship that was dear only to me.

To top all of it we're now 3 months into waiting for a remortgage to clear our previous tx debts and even then will not have enough for another cycle until we've saved abit more.... possibly into 2014... 7 years after our journey began.

I feel like I have no friends after two+ years of staying home and being on drug after drug, cycle after cycle.

I can honestly say if it wasn't for the friends I've met here on FF I think I'd be really really struggling with life, the fact that they've become such close friends is one thing I'm so grateful to infertility for bringing me.
  
I feel like I wake up everyday and think maybe your turn will come Bubble, just try and be a better person to deserve it more. 

But it doesn't work like that does it? Good people don't always get a happy ending


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi Bubbletastic .. just had to pop on to say im sat here thinking the exact same thing. Im currently in my third week of dealing with an ectopic and im having to come to terms with not ever having children and a family of my own. 

This was our third treatment. Supposedly third time lucky..and it really felt like it for a time. I keep pushing the idea of being childless to the back of my mind but i know im going tp have to face that as a real possibility. Although hard as the previous failed cycles were i always felt that written could may be get finances together "one more time' and that it would work.  Sat here now with a feeling of fear that there won't be a 'one more time'. I also hate the fact that it all boils down to finances. However my body feels like its taken too much of a bashing, i will always be willing to put myself through it again....despite my age. If only we had the money.

Im sorry to hear about your best friend and im also sorry i have no words of wisdom.. Mine has just had her second baby but that's another story along with feeling alienated from friends who all have children. We don't seem to get invited to bbqs etc anymore because we don't .

I don't feel part of the world at the moment and its going too fast for me.

I truly hope your dreams come true in every way.

Sorry to have gone on.. i didn't intend to... i guess you touched a nerve  

Essie xx


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi bubbletastic & essie jean I'm sat here reading your posts & nodding along with everything you have both said.

I'm having a particularly frustrating & angry week... Think the royal baby mania has really got to me along with a colleague bringing their newborn baby into work   I am forever thinking will it ever be our time... We have been trying for 8 years & never achieved a pregnancy. I feel a deep rooted sense that it won't happen yet I keep planning more treatment?! I'm forever conflicted with my thoughts! We are also coming to the end of the line with our finances & already have high debts   everyday is like ground hog day.. The same feelings, upset, pregnancies, births, happy families etc etc  

Bubbletastic iv also lost 2 best friends to this journey, one has just recently had her second baby & the other is due her second any day....! I tried to keep the friendships going but iv had to accept now it just can't work. Mostly due to my own feelings of being left out, bitter, jealous etc. but also due to their lack of understanding & compassion. Not that it's a blame culture just a set of awful circumstances on us the infertiles behalf.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice or words or wisdom I just didn't want you to feel alone. The only things that gives me slight peace is having ppl on here who know exactly how it feels & who have similar journeys.

I don't know what the future is for us all on here but I pray we find peace somehow as we surely deserve it.

Big hugs to you both my heart aches for us all xxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry for the slow reply been completely on pause since my post. 

Essie - I'm so so sorry to hear about what you're going through, we've crossed paths a few times here and you are such a lovely soul my hear really does break for you  . You are a strong an amazing lady who has given so much time and kind words to others here I refuse to give up for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Missy - I hate that anybody else has to feel like this, we've been together a year less than yourselves but I can understand what you mean, at 27 I have spent nearly a third of my life wishing for something that I seem to have split entirely into two separate beleifs over, with 1/2 of me thinking if we can just try one more time... and the other muttering that I always knew deep down I will never see a BFP except on adverts or other peoples photos.  
The frustrating thing about the friendship I've lost is that I have gone out of my way to put her first, every life/personal/health issue I've been there with a shoulder or gift to raise a smile, even her family awknowledged I was one of the few people who could calm her panic attacks or be relied upon if she had an issue with her endometriosis, but it soon became clear that didn't leave room in her life for so much as acknowledgement of the treasured embryos myself and Hubby have lost or grief I felt/feel as our tx journey draws to a close .


I wanted to come on here and say 48 hrs have helped and that I'm ready to fight for whatever comes next BUT I'm not I feel betrayed exhausted and like I must deserve this somehow


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hello ladies

Thought I'd say hello and send you all some hugs. I feel exactly the same as you all and it is just heartbreaking. Now on our 4th ivf -and having lost a baby at Xmas , just 5 days before our wedding day- sometimes I feel the world is out to get me. I range from feeling so so so very sad to bitter and angry.  I too have lost many friendships along the way and struggle to be around babies and pregnant people.  Work is just torture as it is non stop pregnancies and I feel it's like rubbing salt in the wound all the time.  I feel the odd one out in my family.  My 2 youngers sisters and my brother all have their families and I feel I am stuck in  quicksand somewhere, life just doesn't move or change! 

Financially, like you all, we now struggle and my biggest fear if this 4th cycle doesn't work is that we cannot afford a 5th.  Not sure my body could take it either.  

You're not on your own girls! I'm sorry we all are in this horrible situation and I hope and pray our hopes and dreams will somehow still come true

Lots if love to you all

Love louise.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Louisej- So sorry to hear about your little angel, and so close to what should have have been a magical day too my hugs and thoughts go out to you, I will hope and pray with every little piece of my heart the 4 is the magic number for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi all, I don't mean this in a horrible way but it's so comforting reading these posts and realising what I am thinking and feeling is not just me. I too am trying to avoid the royal baby news, work colleagues bumps and scan pictures, etc. I too have lost friends and now even my own brother. Long story cut short, the same week that I was told I couldn't have ivf and de was my only option, my brother turns up at my door really upset as his girlfriend was pregnant by mistake! They now have their baby but haven't spoken to me since December, no birthday cards, nothing. I can't even go round my parents house without their baby bits everywhere. Infertility really highlights the genuine people in your life who really care for you. 

Enough of my moaning, just wanted to give everyone a big virtual hug.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Aoltbsl - Sorry to hear that, sadly families can be just as insensitive and useless and 'friends' I know too many people who've lost people who should be the first to be there for them xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

bubble Essie missy louise alotbsl          


me too. i'm in a similar position to louise though she sneaked in an extra treatment since we both m/ced in dec. I have so much sympathy for the constant BFN brigade, even though a m/c is utter heartbreak at least I got a sense of understanding, and I have a scan pic (although of a dead 'baby') to treasure. But that constant BFN with no way of knowing how to move forward is horrible. At 43 I know all about the life being on hold thing and just watching everyone else's lives go by... and I have pretty much no social life at all, if it wasn't for going to Tesco most weeks I wouldn't get to speak to anyone other than DH. it's horrible, and not healthy, but the alternative is awful, going out and pretending that I don't notice all the baby stuff and nodding politely while others talk about their families, children, grandchildren etc. Most of the people I knew have children who are already leaving school... 

it's all such a long struggle and I am so so grateful to FF for at least giving me a sense of belonging 'somewhere' and a feeling of community and the opportunity to 'meet' such brave women who go up against IF again and again even in the face of uncertainty and pain and tragedy. it's an honour to know you all. 
specially those who are so cheerful about it like darling bubble.   I know it's tough being morale officer but you do a smashing job of it, it is totally appreciated. 

alotbsl that sounds awful about your brother so sorry. 

louise I hope we're both lucky this time around and can compare scan pics in the autumn. But the fear of loss stays with you doesn't it, I know even a magical BFP will fill me with dread and waiting. 

I have no idea what happens if i'm BFN - trying not to dwell on it, just going one day at a time through this cycle. I keep telling DH this is our last fresh go, I just can't bear the idea of putting him through the stress of paying for tx after tx and then maybe struggling in 'retirement' because I blew all the cash now.. luckily it's not causing us huge debts but I have no idea the last time I went to a hairdresser or a bar or anything like that. We haven't had a proper holiday for ages... even going for a drive in the car I think twice because of the cost of the fuel. and everything is just revolving around IF and TTC the whole time, I can't remember when I last used scented bath stuff or perfume (trying to avoid chemicals), i'm nervous about household chemicals and I watch everything I eat, no idea when I last had sausages or beer or picked up something in a shop without scrutinising the label for additives... I want to go to a barbeque and eat brie and junk food all night and pass out drunk in a tent at 3 in the morning and NOT CARE just to remember how it feels because I feel so bloody old. sorry about the language there. I want to wear lacy underwear not just old pants and sanitary protection...I want to be able to buy clothing without thinking about being bloated or feeling bad about stuff because it wouldn't fit if I was pregnant. I want to do extreme sports - I have always wanted to drive a rally car but have never done it (along with a ton of other never haves) because of the issue of having spent half my life believing I was pregnant when I wasn't. There was never enough gap between finding out I wasn't and trying again. 
I've passed up so many opportunities while TTC. it's mad.
and my hair is going grey. 
which is depressing. ANd I I can't plan anything, ever. 

will I be able to stop if it is BFN or will I beg for one more go? how long can I exist like this? I really can't imagine a plan for growing old without a family. or a social life. bombarded by the media telling me 'if you're ready to move on from breastfeeding' or 'buy one adult ticket child goes free'.... it's everywhere. 

bubble I really hope and pray you get your happy ever after.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Golbunny - You've made me cry my eyes out... I honestly have NO idea if I'd even still be fighting if it wasn't for the babydust brigade (of which of course you are a special part   ) 
We've seen eachother through the highs and terribly sad lows and I really do pray and pray little Spot is looking down and just waiting to send you a little healthy beanie to love       

Thanks hunny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Oh goldbunny your post made me all teary as well!
Shame we don't all live close by and could
Meet up for a (decaf!) coffee and put the world to rights!

Love to everyone ! 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

By gosh! Louisej - If only we could, it's so weird that something like IF often means that you have more in common after one discussion with someone you've never met than a nearest oldest life long friend.
There used to be regional boards but no one from Leics ever posts xxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'm really paranoid about trying to form 'real life' friendships with people in the TTC process because it's so hard, if one succeeds and one fails...but WHEN we all get there (     ) i'd love to meet up and arrange all our babies tidily on one of those big playmat things.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Goldbunny - there's no right and no wrong answer I think  
Personally I've met a lot of the girls and haven't had any issues infact bloody love them BUT I 100% understand that the very reason this place is such a godsend for some people is the complete anonymity that it offers. 

One day will do me fine  

As in it's a safe place regardless of what situation your in any one given day xxxxxxxxxx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi Ladies! 
I have read all of your post's and like all of you am in the same rut!
We have been together for 9yrs and are now trying to save up for yet another IVF cycle!!
I too find it hard to form "friendship's" as everyone has children and I don't seem to have a common ground!
Even at work when customer's say "You know how kid's are", I want to scream "No I Don't!" 
But every day I get up and put a false smile on my face and carry on! 

It look's like we may be able to try again next year but my new dilemma is my ticking age clock!

We must stay strong (easier said I know!) and never give up on what we all want and what other's take for granted!
I do hope you don't mind me posting......   

Jen.x


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi Jen

Lots of us in same horrible boat!!  Good luck Hun with your next cycle xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi Louise!
Thank's hun!  Good luck to all of us!! 
Well off to work!! 
My work colleague's alway's say I'm smiling but there's a lot behind someone's smile! 

Have a good day!
Jen.x


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

*A Poem called 'Dear Infertility'*

Dear Infertility,

Today I have been thinking a little about this journey that we share, 
about the ways you've changed this life of mine, and of the friends you've met, changed theirs.

We have a few 'issues' if we're honest you and me.
You're competitive and insensitive but you'll just never win you see..

For every time you've hurt me, you've taught me how to summon strength. 
For every time you've brought me to my knees my journeys taught me how to rise again.
For every friend I've lost as you've whispered in my ear, you've unknowingly bought me another who now stand by my side, unshakeable and loyal and always just right here.
For every tear I've cried I've still found some laughter on the way.
For every precious embryo lost there's been such deep love and hope filled days.

You've tried and take my chances away, but you make me want it more
The love I feel for my future child just grows, not as you'd planned, shrink, dissipate or fall.

You've shown me my fears one by one, its true, but in turn given me my strength as fellow travellers thwarted you. 
And one day when I hold my child, I'll tell them a story of you, my old Foe, who in some ways made me a better person and gave me more gifts than words can show

Despite your best attempts I will never say no more, I will be a better mother with a heart that is more sure.

Though you may have won today, we'll meet again it's true and next time just remember, my turn will come you know, I've seen you can be beaten and next time it's my go

Bubbletastic 2013


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

Bubble that is amazing


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Haha I also love this... It's almost like saying screw you infertility!  

Xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Thanks Missymoo and Stacey -

Was just what I was aiming for, two fingers too infertility, some days it hurts so badly but other days I have to admit that without this journey I'd missing some of the people dearest to me and aspects of myself I've become so proud of.


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Bubbletastic that is amazing so true, i refuse to let it beat me and keep on trying , its so tough but we summon the strength from somewhere and keep going x
Rosebud


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Thank Rosebub - Truly hope we all get our dream one day, I guess until then at least we have each other and the understanding and comradery that brings xxxxxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

really love the poem bubble x


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

*Bubbletastic* .... thank you for your lovely kind words earlier and i thought your poem was fab 

Been struggling lately (still mid-ectopic) and your poem sums up just how my mind has defiantly been thinking... a case of the mind is willing but the body is not able, for the time being at least.

Thanks for re-lighting my strength, determination and hope Bubble ... you too have provided this for so many women on FF through your posts in the past.. .. 

I've never come across so many inspirational and strong women in one place before .. Its quite heartwarming and overwhelming.

Which reminds me, *Goldbunny*, lovely post earlier...my eyes were welling 
Essie xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Essie - I guess whatever heartbreak IF causes us all, we all have each other so at least we're not alone 
xxxxxxxxxx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Ah bubble. That's lovely

Yep we all have each other... And one day we will
All have our babies xxx

How are you doing essie?


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

What a wonderful and powerful poem!
Jen.x


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi *Louise*.. im ok thanks, as much as i can be. Back at hospital in morning for yet another blood test to check hcg levels ... hoping they've gone down dramatically... only a couple of weeks ago i was praying for them to go up 

Psychologically still finding it hard to believe what's happened but i know I'll recover and as long as we can raise finances, I won't give up. I still believe it will work.. its whether we can financially carry on trying until it does. Im a redhead and stubborness is my middle name.. I'll not go down without a good fight 

I see its not long off your next cycle ... how you doing ? have you a date for ET or are you at the early stages? I really hope this is your time and happy times are ahead for you.. 

Essie xx


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