# do we need to go abroad? - donor anonymity question



## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hi all of you,

Am just in the process of giving up on my own eggs and for the first time seriously thinking about adoption or donor eggs. As I am 44 and DP 56 we really don't want to delay this process any longer than it already  has been (which is obviously much too long  ).

My question is - if we decided to go the donor egg route, and if we wanted this to happen relatively quickly (in the next 6 months say) am I right in assuming this mean no chance of staying in the UK for the treatment? I ask as I feel it woul be best for the child (eternal optimist that i am) to have some right to information about their genetic background if at all possible, but obviously this wouldn't be the case if it was an anonymous donor abroad... I'm not sure yet HOW strongly I feel about this, just my initial gut instinct at the mo... I'm not sure I feel strongly enough to delay it until I'm 46 (to be brutal about it  )

Are there are any clinics abroad which have shorter waiting lists than the UK, but more potential for future access to information should the child wish to go that route? (I'm assuming not, as I assume it's the anonymity that ensures the healthy supplies of donors).

Thoughts anyone? 

thanks in advance

Sue x


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

Hi Sue

Yes abroad is the best option, younger donors thus higher success rates.  Each clinic has different waiting lists some can be a few months to a few weeks, this also depends on your requirements. The states if you have the money gives you a choice of donors, this is expensive and so is treatment they can boast up to 70% success in the states whereas Europe it is somewhere between late 40s - to mid 60's.


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

thanks for that info bottleofwater

does anyone know about the access to donor info (by the child at a later date) of other countries? (sorry i haven't got to grips with the terminology - am i making sense?  ). Am i right in assuming all the abroad clinics only provide egg donors who have total anonymity?


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

Hi Sue I am not up on all countries, but most of them seem to be annoynomous, so that means for the rest of their lives.  You will only get basic info, like hair, height, sometimes job etc.


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hmmm... thought so   It's not that I care particularly about details for me and DP (other than very general stuff), it's more the fact that any future child won't be able to find info if they want... 

maybe i'm tying myself up in knots unnecessarily...

Anyone else had this dilemma (would rather wait for a donor that didn't have total anonymity, but didn't feel could afford to wait another 1-2 years for tx in the UK)? What should I do? (i don't really expect any of you to answer that   ) - would be nice to know how other people have handled this one tho?

Sue xx


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

Yes it is a concern, some teenagers do become curious when older I have read, but if they lead a well balanced and loved life I don't think it should be something they obsess over.  I do know adopted adults that have no interest in their past and then I have met people whose mother had a one night stand with a guy got pregnant and lost contact, and these people are quite confused about it as they were told in adult hood.  I think as other women of the site have done and that is to tell the child from a young age, their not going to be alone as this seems to be a popular method of conception now.


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Sue
There was a discussion on the boards very recently that covered this area very well.  It was removed to the 'administrative area' - I had hoped so that some of the good bits from many people could be extracted and used to help others, but I haven't seen it appear anywhere yet.
It IS possible to find egg donors in the UK but you have to be determined.  The National Gamete Donation Trust www.ngdt.co.uk can help with information about clinics with shorter waiting lists and ways of advertising in order to recruit a donor who could be used for you personally or instead donate for someone else at your clinic, thus putting you to the top of the waiting list.  Sometimes when there is publicity about the need for egg donors in particular areas, waiting lists can go down dramatically.  I spoke to two people earlier this year who turned down donors they were offered after three months because they had assumed the wait would be longer and they didn't feel ready!
It is perfectly true that if parents are confident and comfortable about the decisions they have made and 'tell' children from an early age about their origins and are prepared to answer questions etc. then real difficulties are unlikely.  I think there are extra issues to consider about going abroad and it is also important to think about how you might respond to a child who discovers that donors in this country were identifiable at the time s/he was conceived, but that theirs isn't.  One of the issues is that none of us can know at the outset how our children are likely to feel later.  Good parenting, honesty and a willingness to accept and understand feelings and answer questions is likely to get you through most difficult patches.
If the UK option just doesn't seem possible, there is a company operating in South Africa called Renew that is willing to match recipients who want an identifiable donor with a donor who feels comfortable with this.  They are also very keen on openness in families.  Because this service is privately organised and not part of a legislative structure there would be no absolute guarantees about future contact, but you do get very much more information about donors in SA than you do anywhere outside of the (very expensive) US programmes. It is also not expensive to be treated in SA either.
Hope this is helpful and very best wishes in following your heart to an identifiable donor.
Olivia


/links


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## Angel129 (Oct 28, 2005)

Hi Sue,

I don't know how much this will help your particular question, but my DH and I have imported sperm from the US and because we brought it here we had to import a donor that was an open donor.  We used xytex out of Atlanta, Georgia.  I'm afraid the HFEA have changed the laws and made it impossible for you to import gametes anymore, but I know that in the US they offer open and anonymous donors, but it seems you would have to go to the US now.  I know that there are clinics in the UK that will work with clinics in the US so that you can have the scans, etc... in the UK and just travel over to the states for the 'transfer'.  I'm American and I know how expensive the treatment is in the states, but on the plus side the exchange rate is really good 

Best of luck to you,

Angiexxx


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

thanks both of you

will have a good look a the dcn site olivia - looks like it might be a useful place to begin

am torn between rushing headlong into it as fast as I can, and taking a deep breath and working it all out...  

DP still has real qualms about it all so there's no way I can rush it anyway really. Interestingly I think he feels more bereft by the decision not to use my eggs than I do (i guess i get to see him in a child if we're lucky enough, but he doesn't get to see me  ). Love him for it, but need to also respect that he's still struggling a bit i think...

thanks again girls

Sue xx


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Sue
It is not unusual for the partner who will be a genetic parent to appear to feel more bereft than the one with the fertility issue. Often this partner is doing the grief work for both while the other is getting on with staying positive and doing the research, not allowing themselves to feel (too much of) the sadness and loss of not being able to have the genetic child of the relationship.  As you will have discovered, fertility problems are a real testing time for relationships.  Yours sounds as if it is holding up well.  Give each other time...at least egg donation allows you to have this.  It is the age of the eggs that will dictate a BFP, not your age in years.
Best of luck
Olivia


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

thanks so much olivia - you have no idea how touching those words are - i feel like i've been up against a deadline for 6 years now and am exhausted with it. 

I guess i feel some responsibility towards any future child not to leave it too long as we are already very old to be parents   - but it's lovely not to feel quite so much pressure.

thanks again for your advice

Sue x


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

So, you have been offered excellent advice, methinks...  European clinics are all anonymous...

You can find identifiable donors only in the States and SA based on the research I have done...

I had the same problem as you and my DH is more against egg donation than me.  He said that the whole point was to have a child with me not smb he has never met in life and wouldn't maybe want to have kids with...  I think everybody grapples with the same issues... I think it's defo easier for the kids to have a known donor...  I found it scary to receive these emails from various clinics across Europe and receiving info about people who are meant to be genetic parents of my kid... It's v. v. scary, I tell you...

I may still go with an anonymous donor as DH not keen on SA and the States is too expensive.  Not sure whether DH will accept to go down this route at all at the end...He now wants to explore adoption from abroad as I have told him about the red tape in the UK.  Guess, it would be the red tape in that version of events, too...

Also don't know whether you saw my post yesterday, my sis had an unwanted pregnancy aged 44...
All best, 
Incy


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Dear Incy
Reading through your posts on DE Newbies you seem to be having a really hard time...and to have your sister become pregnant without wanting to at 44 is the ultimate irony and (unintended) insult.  I really, really feel for you.  FF is a wonderful support for us women but men seem to find it difficult to connect in the same way.  So many, like your DH, bottle things up and then have unexpected leakages or explosions, that feel as frightening for them as they are for their partners.  In DC Network there are opportunities for members to meet as couples in small local groups or national meetings, or 'phone or email privately and men often find it helpful to speak with others in the same situation..in this case, egg donation dads.  Do join us if you feel this might help, www.dcnetwork.org
Do take care.
Olivia

/links


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

Incy - I did see your post (have kind of been lurking but trying to get a bit of distance between myself and the argc girls - a combination of not wanting to get tempted back into another try with my own eggs, and also finding it hard watching the pregnancies develop - sometimes feel like this makes me a very bad person    )

It sounds to me like Olivia's given you some really good advice love. But also Incy, if you are going to go the donor egg route then please please give yourself a bit of time out. I know it's hard to do (trust me, I'm struggling  ) but i do think it's important. You honestly have got the time to spare just for you and DH now.

Really hoping stuff improves for you

lots of love Sue xx


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## elaine01 (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Sue

I've decided to have DE treatment in the UK because DH and I want any resulting child (if we are lucky) to be able to trace the donor.  In order to get treatment in a reasonable time frame you need to shop around.  The CARE set of clinics have the shortest waiting lists, 3 to 6 months because they do egg share.  I think the Lister does the highest number of DE treatments and help you advertise for a donor.  The National Gamete Trust is also very helpful.  I'm signed up with 4 clinics, two of them charge a non refundable waiting list fee of £400.  We were at the top of the CARE Northampton list in five months but we have been fortunate to find someone who is willing to donate for us and should have treatment next month.

I hope this helps.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Just wanted to chip in and say, good luck. I am lucky a close friend donated to me.


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## fairy-god-mother (Mar 24, 2006)

Hi guys

I just wanted to chip in and read your thoughts and tell you mine as a donor.

I'll be perfectly honest and tell you that one of the reasons I stopped donating my eggs was due to the law change and my details being given out. It's not that I don't want a child to find me but more of the complications that result from that. I want to help someone by giving them a "gift". One of the greatest gifts that can be given - the chance to be a mum. I don't want people to question "why". I just want them to accept that I went through this ordeal because I'm one of the rare people in this world who would love to right every wrong, fix every problem and make the world a better place.

I don't want the responsibility of "it's your fault I was born and my life was crap" or anything like that. I just want to make you guys feel "whole" because I do and I know what a great feeling it is to be a mum.

I wish I could help everyone but I can't and must accept that. I've offered to help someone I met on FF years ago as I've built a friendship and trust with her.  She is going to tell the child (if everything works) from a young age and allow a natural relationship with me as her friend to develope so there is no big shock later on. I am very happy with this .

You are all in  my prayers though

Kay

xx


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

fairygodmother - i can COMPLETELY understand that from the donor's point of view - i would be exactly the same. Good luck with your donating for your friend - she is a lucky woman   (as are all the other women you have helped with your generosity  )

I guess from my point of view it's just about giving any future child a choice - and the reality is that I have the choice of whether or not give THEM the choice in the future (did that make sense?   ) . Obviously the down side is that there are loads less donors (for completely understandable reasons).

Nothing's straightforward in life is it?   

Thanks so much for the info elaine - i've got onto Care and am waiting to hear back from them (am a bit worried that my age might rule me out for some clinics in the UK? anyone know if that's the case?)

love and luck to you all xx


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Thx Sue.  I realise that I need some time out.  On the other hand, want to make a decision and put myself on a WL somewhere, bcs these things take time....

Would you consider going for an anonymous donor to speed things up?


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

incy - i know, it's so easy to say 'take time out' but in reality we never stop thinking about it do we?   

I think the anonymity thing IS important for me (i can't yet work out quite why this is - it's only really been a week since i really gave up on argc - so much for taking time out eh?  ). And to be honest i am SO far past being a young mother, that i don't think an extra 6 months will make a fat lot of difference at the school gates (eternal optimist that i am).

Also i think DP will be horrified at the idea of going abroad for treatment (mainly "quality control" issues i guess), and am really trying not to steamroller him at the mo, so that's another consideration.

But as you know i am queen of the u-turns   

lots of love - hope you are ok   

Sue xx


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

Hi Sue

My partner also was a bit taken aback that treatment is abroad, he had never heard of donor eggs even when I first mentioned it.  I think he is still getting his head around the fact.  It is easier for us as we read all the different threads on here and normalise the situation.


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