# A moment of clarity



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

It is time for me to be here. I don't know whether or not I am ever going to be a mum, and technically, there is still a chance that I could fall pregnant; but what I do know is that in the last few days my attitudes have changed so much, that I am finally ready to contemplate a positive future without children. 

I got a BFN to my 3rd IUI on Friday morning. Probably as a result of progesterone and stress, my period has only arrived this morning. My 1st IUI was a spectacular failure, as I started bleeding 6 days after basting, and my second resulted in pregnancy but I miscarried. Deciding to go ahead with this last try was enormously difficult for me and hubby, but I wanted to walk away from treatment knowing I'd given it my best shot and not just because I'd had a miscarriage. I do now feel (incredibly) ready to walk away. IVF isn't an option as I won't respond to the stimulation drugs, as I am already too menopausal in a hormonal sense, although I do still ovulate regularly. Donor egg is there, but my hubby doesn't want to do it, and I'm not even sure I do. In fact as I write that I know that today at least, I'm sure I don't want to do that. We neither of us see ourselves adopting, and we talk about having a lot more animals instead. 

For the record, there are things I am afraid of. I call these my Flat Spin Moments, or FSMs, moments where I want the ground to open up, or I just want to scream with rage at the injustice of it all. Things like, getting through my due date, through Christmas, through the moments that my brothers in law and other poeple I'm close to announce they're having children, and so on. Just like all of you, I've got a lot of friends with very young children, and there's alwasy someone you know who's pregnant. I ready on one of the threads here yesterday a brilliant phrase that Gil wrote, 'a pregnant belly is like a pointed finger'; you don't wish others the misery you've suffered, but the constant reminders are excrutiating. But even in the last few days I've found that by giving these events and experinces a name, and saying to myself ''OK, this is an FSM, and you're not ready to deal with them yet so shelve them for a stronger day'', I'm already feeling more able to cope. 

What I most want is for my marriage to be good, and to get on with finding other ways to feel fulfilled. In a series of what can only be described as bizzare coincidences, a couple of really promising business ideas have come up, either of which I know would help me to move on. Underneath the desire to be a mum, for all of us, is an even deeper desire to simply be content, whatever the components of that contentment might be. I'm so tired of not being content. To carry on chasing this rainbow against increasingly difficult odds only delays my chance of finding that contentment. I'm sick of keeping this particular ball in the air. I'm sick of everything I do, every plan I make, every decision being viewed through the lens of 'whether or not we have kids'. I want to get on with my life; it has the potential to be such a good one, I'm no longer prepared to put it on hold. It is dangerous to believe that there is only one route to happiness, and the bravest and most liberating thing any of us can do is imagine a different future.

I've know since my early 20s that I was going to have trouble. It took me until I was 31 to even find the right guy. By then my fertility was already starting to fail, and by the time we were married and ready to start, it was pretty much in a flat spin of it's own. These facts are something for me to feel legitimately angry about, to ask, ''Why me?''. I do believe though, that one day the answer to that question will reveal itself, and until then I should concentrate on the things I can control. 

So ladies, I'm ready to be here, and as you've already been a source of inspiration and comfort to me, I look forward so much to making your acquiantance!


Leoarna, the new bird on the the moving on block....xx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Leoarna
Firstly welcome onto the board and to one of the nicest sets of people that give their heart and souls to helping each and everyone one of us... 
Leoarna your post was one of the most moving and heartfelt posts that i have read in a long time. I cannot believe the depth of your insight on life and i think you are one very Special person. You come across a very selfless person, whom i am sure your hubby cherishes very much. I was so touched by your words of what is important in life and that is living and having a cherished relationship with your hubby..There are not many people in this world that share those true and deep feelings.
I am so sorry that you had a failed treatment recently and having to go through a miscarriage. I am sure that it comes with so many issues. There are girls on here that have expereinced this pain and i know will help you work through your up and down days..
Its as you say about taking each day as it comes, because life cannot always be planned and so its best to go with what it throws at you. You mentioned that you have some plans and this is always a good and positive start into filling those days..
Leoarna all i will say is, it is about going through a grieving process and as painful as it maybe, i think it makes you stronger in the long run..I know and apprieciate that your options are limited and i can totally relate to that..So the most important thing at the moment is finding you and your hubby...starting to laugh again and living your life..
I think it stengthens your relationship and although you have made this decision it is not as bad as you may anticipate...but the important thing is accepting the good and bad days...ummm it can be hard..
We are all here to help you through your journey..The friendship on here is so fantastic and a place where you can be yourself...
Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from someone who doesn't know you, but already i like you very much. What a brave person you are...
lots of love astridxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Thanks for your very kind words, Astrid. 

I'm feeling better for writing this morning, the words had been 'brewing' for a couple of days. I know I'll have days where the temptation to ask hubby for 1 more go will be huge, but for today I'm going to trust in the very strong, intuituve sense I have that I have pursued this medical route long enough (even though it's a short time compared to most, my circumstances mean that I never had long to try in the first place). I will continue to take care of myself health wise, not least because I want to delay the arrival of my menopause for as long as possible, just for me. I'll also carry on seeing my reflexologist, as she has been brilliantly supportive and my chats with her, if nothing else, really help me to accept. But that is enough. Somehow my marriage has become stronger as a result of all that we've been through, and we've continued to laugh together throughout; I don't want to push us so far that we go beyond endurance. 

I already feel at home here, and I'll say again, that even though I felt prepared for a BFN during the last week, I never imagined that I would feel so ready to move on if it happened. But I do, and I think that is maybe something I should even feel grateful for. We ladies expereince confusion and conflict in our hearts and minds on a scale that no other expereinces. Moments of clarity are very few and far between and I intend to make the most if this one. 

Thanks again, Astrid, 

Leoarna xxxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Leonara and welcome to this wonderful place

My goodness you've been through a lot, and what a heartfelt and touching message you wrote. I admire your bravery so much, its so difficult to reach that point of acceptance - but I hope you had a feeling of empowement in coming to that conclusion. Sometimes its the only way to grasp any sort of control of IF by thinking enough is enough and walking away - I know I felt that way myself.

Who knows what lies ahead for any of us? I wish you the very best though, and I'm glad you have a lovely hubby there by your side. I want to wish you the very best for the future, and I look forward to 'speaking' to you here.

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there Leoarna

I'm sorry that your last cycle ended with a BFN but welcome to this part of the FF world, the natives are friendly, funny and understanding.

I think it's great if you do feel ready to move on, good for you. I had a similar moment of clarity when I rang my clinic to ring in my last BFN result and they offered me an appointment to discuss the next cycle and I said forget it, I've had enough and I shocked myself.

I'm very taken with your "components of contentment" and finding other ways to be fulfilled and good on you for realising the potential that your life has. Your insight is something to celebrate.

I still have dodgy moments like many of us here but I can say that I _have_ found it increasingly liberating embracing a different future which is exciting and funfilled (albeit somewhat self indulgent!)

I hope you continue to laugh together for years to come, I know we will.

flipper


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

If you'd have told me 72 hours ago that I could feel this at peace at this moment I would not have been able to believe it. Part of why I am able to be as I am is knowing that I can come here at any time of day or night and feel the warmth and support you all have to give. I know that in return I'll be here as often as I can to 'be there' for all of you too......


----------



## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hi leoarna, just had to pop in here and say I was really moved by your first post - and have copied the 'components of contentment' paragraph onto a sticky on my hard drive to remind me in future dodgy moments...

I'm not quite there (one more go at ivf coming up in a month or so), but reading this has made me feel much less scared and reminded me there is more than one future ahead.

thankyou so much, and lots of love

Sue
xx


----------



## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Morning Ladies
Hope everyone is OK.

Hi Leoarna
You've been through such alot, I cannot even image how you feel, but perhaps now is the time to step back from everything and start thinking about what is next for you and hubby, the world is at your feet, you just need alittle breathing space.

I had my name on the ED list, but I realised I wasnt prepared to put my life on hold for something that may not even happen. But believe me it was such a hard decicion to take it off.
I really admire you and all the ladies that go through everything that you do and sometimes I feel like a coward for not letting myself do it.

We all have ways of dealing with day to day, but remember sometimes its hard and when we find it hard we know that there are lots of lovely ladies on this post that will help us through.

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts with us, we can all learn from each other.

Karen


----------

