# New to surrogacy - how do you ask friends / family?



## orane (Apr 29, 2007)

Hi there,

I've been on and off the boards for a while now whilst going through IUIs and IVFs - and off the back of my 4th IVF failure, the clinic's have advised my next step to be surrogacy. The vague history is that though we can produce lovely embies, they just won't stick despite my very best efforts in terms of diet (all organic, loads of water, super heavy on the protein) and rest (in bed every night for 10.30pm) and alternative treatments (acupuncture, reflexology, 'healing') so though I'm confused by the lack of information behind why they won't stick (sounds naive I know) and therefore slightly in disbelief at the moment, I am keen to move on forward and get going with whatever it takes for us to hold a baby in our arms... 

I've already taken advice from my clinic who recommend that the first step is to approach friends and family. 

And that's where I'm completely stuck. I have plenty of friends who have conceived naturally (in fact, I have no friends who are in my position!) but mostly, they have just the one child and I know/guess their intention is to have more so i have ruled out approaching them. Then there are a couple of friends who I am confident have completed their family but I freeze at the very idea of even bringing the subject up for fear that they will be angry / horrified / feel guilty / burdened - surely, if they would consider it, the right thing to do is to let them approach me rather than for me to go overstepping the boundaries of friendship at the risk of losing it altogether?! 

Aside from that, I will be joining an agency but would love to know how any of you approached your friends or if you are a SM, how did you first wish to be approached? I know that every situation and relationship is very different but it would be great to read some stories to be inspired one way or another...

thank you xxx


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## Honeywitch (Dec 16, 2008)

You could let your friends/family know that you are joining an agency and perhaps some of them will be very interested in the process and may later volunteer?


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## orane (Apr 29, 2007)

true - thank you for that suggestion...

but there's even something that makes me panic that if I even raise the subject, they'll think I'm doing it with that very same underlying motive... perhaps I'm overthinking it all, it is all still very new to me and I know that I tend to spin around with every possibility at first before landing at a more calm and sensible rational approach to a subject. It's all such a whirlwind at the moment!!!


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## Honeywitch (Dec 16, 2008)

Overthinking - lol - we've all done it. Your friends and family who care about you will want to know about your next stage when you are ready to tell them - so don't worry.  Even if anyone does feel you were hoping, it doesn't like you are the kind of person to put pressure on them - and real friendships/family relationships can cope with a bit of pressure here and there anyway. 

Sounds like you need some time to think and maybe meet a few people who've experienced surrogacy? I'm sure some people on here have had to do what you are doing and will pop up on here at some point.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I know it's a bit different. But when I decided to look into De abroad, I mentioned it to a friend and her very fist reaction was "I'd donate my eggs to you"

And she did.... and we have twins now.

So I agree, plant the seed and if someone is intereste din helping you, I'm sure they'll tell you.


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## orane (Apr 29, 2007)

thank you for your advice... it's so helpful. I guess I'm panicking because I don't have enough info to hand about how many potential SMs there are per IPs etc so I have no idea of what our chances are in finding someone, hence my first instinct to panic about who amongst friends and family could help instead... but yes, there's a lot to go through first and slowly but surely, I hope to have our dream.  Great story btw drowned girl, amazing friend!

goodnight all xxx


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## CarolynB (May 17, 2008)

Hi Orane

May be I can make another suggestion.  May be rather than you telling friends and family may be you could find a family member to do it for you.  Your Mum?  or a sister?  or someone who you are close to in the family?

I found it too hard to even tell my two sisters about tmt over the years.  When we stopped then I asked my Mum to tell both my sisters about our story and all the ivfs.  It was all too raw.  I had to motive other than for them to know how much we had wanted a child and how hard we had tried and that I was not some career woman who never wanted to be a Mum.  I had no thought at all that either of my sisters would want to be our surrogate.  It never even entered my head.

Within 12 hours of my Mum telling my middle sister our story she offered to be our surrogate.  My Mum never even mentioned it.  It all came from my fab sister.  I was blown away.  So may be a first step would just having someone tell your story in quite a bit of detail to friends and family.  May be they all know already but may be they do not know all your have endured.  I just could not articulate the hard stuff myself so why I needed a 'messenger'.

So may be if you just asked someone in the family to talk about what you have been through then it may be easier than having to tell the story yourself.  And may be that could be a first step rather than asking outright.

Just an idea.  Appreciate that you may not be in the position of having a sis and Mum as I do.  The chat between my Mum and my middle sis took place less than 14 months ago and look what has happened.

Good Luck.  Let me know if I can help anymore.
Carolyn xxxxx


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Like the others I think if there is someone out there who will offer then they will do if they know you are looking.
We didn't have any friends or family who were in a position to offer so we joined SUK and met our surrogate through them.
Maybe start attending some surrogacy social events and then you can tell your friends and family about them.
Best of luck
EJJB
x


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