# Match 'posponed' because DH didn't give good eye contact!!!!



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

I got an email today from my SW asking me to call him asap. Nervously I did only to be told that he needs to see my DH asap as the boys SW and the legal adviser raised concerns after the meeting on Tuesday that he didn't maintain good eye contact and seemed a little reserved! The boys SW told our SW that she has had 4 matches out of 5 adoptions disrupt because the DH didn't want them in the first place  

We met for 1 hour and 40 minutes, first time the boys SW has ever laid eyes on us. I asked most if not all of the questions, hence DH had reduced amount of opportunity for eye contact anyway! 

Initially I was very upset, then I was actually pretty annoyed, now I am just raging   

I can't believe that our SW who is supposed to know us better than my granny would actually think that my DH would 

A. Go along with something that he didn't want to OR that 
B. I would allow him too!

I can completely understand that SWs have to be as certain as the can be that everyone is as 100% certain as they can be about a match and about adoption full stop. I would have entertained anyone's concerns that DH didn't seem to be on board if they were based on more than first impressions at a relatively short meeting!

The thing that I am most upset and angry about is the fact that our SW knows that we have been going through some very difficult and high stress times recently. My Gran was very ill and nearly died, painters and builders pretty much left our loft conversion in an abysmal state for us to come home too after a short break that has taken a lot of extra cash and hassle to get fixed, DHs mum was in an RTA that she was lucky to survive and is still in hospital nearly 2 months on with such a significant brain injury that she can't return to living on her own independently and now we need to sort out a care home, sell house etc etc and to top it all of my dad was admitted to hospital late in Monday night, the day before the meeting with suspected 2nd heart attack, though he didn't suffer a heart attack he now needs a bypass operation! 

We feel that between us we have coped really well with all that's been thrown at us, however unlike me, DH doesn't really talk about everything with friends or colleagues so he is a little off kilter just now and somewhat worried about his mum, who wouldn't be! 

SW knew all of this and yet didn't have the gumption to say to boys SW that he knew DH well enough that this wouldn't be the case and that we had a lot to deal with just now. 

I wouldn't have minded but the boys SW wasn't the greatest at maintaining eye contact and she had the most limp wrist-ed hand shake I've ever encountered!

I know this is nothing more than a rant and for that I apologise. I am just so annoyed at the stupid hoops and hurdles that we have to go through and over. DH is phoning our SW this afternoon, he will be calm but has stated on no uncertain terms that he will let him know that he isn't pleased about this and that he is dissapointed


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Weemoofrazz

Gosh what a lot of tough things going on at once and now this. 
I'm not surprised you are angry and disappointed. Sounds like the boys SW is overreacting due to some previous disruptions she has had to deal with. 

P.s. I too hate limp wristed handshakes, find them really bad mannered. 

You are already matched though? So hopefully this can be sorted out quickly and easily. 
What a pain though. Just because someone is a bit quiet or overwhelmed means nothing, it's an overwhelming experience. Yes not good that your SW didn't stand up for him. 

Hope it's all sorted soon xxx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Has your sw actually agreed with what has been said? Effectively your sw is just acting as a messenger and it maybe he has pointed out that you have a lot going on at the moment. Lo sw will want to know that lo are top of the list so to speak.

It is difficult in meetings, I always think one half of a couple does more talking but to me thats normal. 

I think you may have to be careful about how much emphasis you place on everything else you have happening as they may think you are taking on too much and things may disrupt.

I don't mean to offend or cause upset as you clearly do have a lot to work with. I hope you work through everything and come out the other side with new additions to your family.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i'd agree with Loopylou..dont make too big a deal out of all the stuff going on in your life for the reasons she has stated... I'm wondering whether they are just making up an excuse of the poor eye contact because of all that..although obviously they should be upfront about it not dodging it...I'm actually surprised they are letting you proceed with a match given your current circumstances. we have gone through something similar with dh's mum and dad over the last 2 years and theres absolutely no way we could have coped with taking on children amongst all that…looking after the 2 we have has been a huge struggle at times..


hope you manage to sort it all out


kj x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Oh Weemoofraz I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope that DH has some success when talking to SW and that you get things sorted. 
Hugs xxx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Thank you all as always for your reply's

I called our SW and asked if I could see him face to face to discuss the issue raised. DH will speak to him when he can. Anyway the SW is a decent guy and came to the house shortly after. 

I explained that DH and I were annoyed about the way the issue had been raised. My DH doesn't deny having an 'off day' but we were both annoyed at our SW for not just calling him and asking him outright if everything was ok etc, this would have been far better received. We are our SW first for everything, first Form F, first adopters through panel, first time in a match situation. He admits that the way he spoke to me about it and went about raising issue was insensitive and he states in hindsight he now feels he could have gone about raising the issue with DH/us better. 

I too admitted to our SW that my reaction in particular was 'more' heightened due to everything that has been going on. Loupyloo and Keemjay, we admit that we have had of late a lot of stressful issues and I discussed this again this afternoon with our SW. To be fair to us, the house is now all sorted and boys rooms are ready, my dad is going to need an operation regardless of the fact that we are in the process of adopting, my Gran has amazed everyone is now back at the bingo! As for DH's mum, yes this is still ongoing but will as it were forever be the case considering her brain injuries. Essentially we will from here on in always have to have more input with her for as long as she lives, we can't postpone adopting till she pops her clogs! 

Our SW agrees and he has suggested a few weeks off from everything to recharge our batteries! TBH this is just what were needing and it isn't going to affect the match. We still have a month till the children's hearing for them to agree yes or no to moving the boys to us as temp FCs anyway. 

Our SW did also admit that unfortunately the boys SW has had the 4 out of 5 disruptions and is perhaps a little insecure with regard to husbands not being too onboard! It's just bad timing that my DH happened to have an 'off day' at the meeting which was the first time we had seen each other, despite a lot of email and telephone contact! 

Appreciate all your comments, thanks


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

That all sounds really encouraging Hun. Recharge your batteries, as you said , and then get your boys home 😊 xxx


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