# Hi There, how do I "move on"



## susan patricia (Mar 26, 2008)

Hi there,
I am not sure if I am ready for "moving on".
I have just turned 39, and have been trying for a family for 12 years. I had my first of 5 miscarriages  just over 11 years ago and my last nearly 7 years ago. Having moved on fom trying naturally we went down the adoption route and were turned down nearly 2 years ago. Despite being told by a friend of a friend who's a social worker that it just loked like that agency didn't like us and that we should be successfull if we try to adopt again, my husband will not now try again. I am so angry with him as it now means that the only option left is to try again.

After 5 miscarriages I am terrified of this and am now awaiting a HSG to see if tubes are blocked , I already know that 1 tube is blocked! I really resonate with Kizzy's posting as the only thing I have ever wanted to do with my life was to be a stay at home mother. I don't know how I can even begin to give up on that dream! I am currently trying to tidy up the spare rooms in my house as they have become so cluttered, I ust can't bear to see what should have been my childrens' rooms empty as it's such a stark reminder of what I do not have and of what I have lost. My husband does not seem to understand any of this and thinks that I should just get on with life. He doesn't seem to care that we have lost 5 babies and is ambivalent about wanting children. I don't feel like we even share this loss!! 

I really don't want to focus on what I want in life as the only thing that comes up over & over is that I just want to be a mother. I cannot see myself ever wanting or ever welcomming any other option for me. I don't understand that I am suppossed to just get on with it and enjoy life. how am I suppossed to enjoy a life that I really do not want, how can a mother enjoy life when 5 children have died inside her.

I can see that I need to move on but I just don't want to!! I don't know who I would be if I was OK with being childless. My husband & I are in counselling now and I'm feeling so raw with all that is being brough up. I feel so nauseous and overwhelmed just thinking about being permanently childless. The only thing keeping me going these past 12+ years has been the thought that one day I would be a mother. Now I feel that my hope has all but died. I am aware that life can hold much more but I really don't want that alternative!

How have you all coped/ are you coping
love
susan


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hello, sorry to read you are feeling so down at the moment. It's a tough road this one we walk, from my own point of view you will only be able to move on if you want to as I am sure your counsellor has told you. I am glad you are having counselling and I hope it helps you achieve some peace. We feel raw when we are in counselling as we are re-living our pain so it is no wonder you feel so down and angry, perfectly natural. Give yourself and the counselling some time to walk through the other side and then re-evaluate how you feel, we have all been there and will happily hold your hand.

Keep in touch.
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Susan

I think Yamoona has hit the nail on the head there - speaking to a counsellor does bring all of our feelings to the fore and can make us feel overwhelmed. Its difficult to know why your husband is feeling the way he is - perhaps he is fearful of the future, wants to make his wife 'better' and thinks that by deciding on a course of action to not actively pursue adoption it will help you 'get over it' - I'm only sorry that you have both been through so much and that all of this is hurting you so badly at the moment.

Deciding to move on is not something that can be rushed hon, its something that takes however long it takes to mull over... coming here and sharing our thoughts and feelings with others is something that helps some folk... keep talking to us is all I can suggest to you and go gently with yourself at this moment in time...

Hang in there sweetie, I'm glad you found us and although I'm sorry to 'meet' you through such sad circumstances I'm glad you felt able to share your story with us.

Love
Emcee xxx


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## HazelJC (Nov 18, 2004)

Hi Susan,

It's been years since i've visted or posted on this website, and your posting struck a cord with me.  I've had 4 failed IVF's, two natural conceptions both which sadly ended in miscarriage.  During these painful and self-destructive years i often asked myself if/when that day would come when i would move on as i just couldn't see and end to it all, without it resulting in a baby.  But that day did arrive the day my last IVF cycle failed almost 2 years ago this month. I can't explain how it happened,something snapped and i just remember feeling a sense of acceptance that life is out of my control, and there wasn't a damn thing i could do to change it.  For me 'acceptance' was the key. In accepting the cards i'd been dealt in life, i was able to let go of all the anger at the unfairness of life i'd been consumed with during my years of IF.  I also stopped hurting myself with the mind-torturing thoughts that come with IF ie; will i ever push a pram, take my children to school, have coffee-mornings with all my friends who are now mums, will i ever receive a mothers day card from my children. I simply stopped thinking about the self-destructive thoughts that consume our minds and distracted myself in other ways.  This process was helped by a book i read called 'Stop Thinking Start Living' by Richard Carlson.  I feel i've turned my life around and i'm the happiest i've been in years.  I've gone back to work to a job i like, and my hubby & I are making the most of our freedom by living a child-free (not child-less) life.  We go on hols several times a year, socialise whenever we like, and generally making the most of what life has handed us.  Most of our friends have children, or are having children, all i have learnt to do is not compare my life with them, we're just living a different life, to which there are pro's and con's to having/not having children. At the same time, life in general will always be a reminder that we were unable to have a family, IF never goes away, it's all about how you learn to deal with it going forward.......

Someone once put a 'quote' on this website - "life is cruel, random & beautiful" - for me - it sums it up in a nutshell.

I hope my posting has helped in showing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if the end of the tunnel doesn't turn out as you'd hoped it would - it is possible to live a happy life even without children.

Hazel
XXX


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Susan,
I don't know what advice I can give you - I have had the same turmoil of thoughts as you. But I'm now in a place where I can see a happy future without having children. It hasn't been a quick process by any means. 
Thank you Hazel for your post - it has inspired me. That quote is lovely and I have come to know the profound truth of it.
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Susan,

My situation was very like yours, 7 miscarriages including one from my 4th IVF attempt. (plus 3 IVFs that did not result in a positive pregnancy.) It feels wierd now to recount that history as it seems so long ago and somehow has become unreal. 
Sometimes I cannot believe that I went through all that. 

Some of the long time members here have shared the insights that helped them move on. Hazel's reply to your post seems so wise to me. It was Magie Mae who said "life is cruel, random and beautiful." My own philosophy is that we all have a mothering spirit and need to find ways to express that. If we can't have our own birth children, we need to and can find ways to fulfill that.

IF has left a legacy for how I am: I am still a woman who would have loved to have been a mother. I cannot say for sure how I finally learnt to be happy without that dream fulfilled. It was certainly not by focusing on finding a way ahead! There was no big alternative dream for me. It was partly down to time making me accept that I won't ever be a mum and enjoy all the things you so eloquently describe. It is also because I know I have a mothering spirit and have found ways to express that through my love for my DH who deserves all the nurtutring I can give and gives the same in return, and through friendship, work, caring for my horses. All things I did before, all things that once did not seem to be enough, but all things that now bring me peace and joy. I trust that you will find your own ways to fullfill your mothering spirit, to bring your peace and joy.

It may sound wierd, but my experience of IF is a bit like what happened this Easter for me. I got sick and was off work on the Thursday before the holiday, then I spent all the long Easter weekend quickly doing the chores I had to do, which exhausted me (seeing to my horses) and the rest of the time I was asleep. On the Tuesday I was well again and went back to work. Ever since then I have been waiting for Easter! It feels like Easter is still to come. (I suppose it doesn't help that it was early this year, and the weather is not like spring.) I keep thinking things like "I'll do that at Easter." (I planned some gardening and spring cleaning.) I am still waiting for an Easter that will never happen for me. I missed it. I guess as the year goes along I will stop looking forward to Easter and start to enjoy the summer, autumn and winter. Just so I stopped expecting to be a mum, accepted that I had missed out on that and began to get on with the rest of life.

I guess what i am trying to say is that over time we learn to let go and to live happily aagain.

Stay with us here Susan, there is a lot of support to gain from the wonderful ladies here.

Love

Jq xxx


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