# To cut a long story short!



## carolinej (May 18, 2004)

I just typed out a long post, but lost the connection  ...

Firstly to say I haven't been on this site for 18 months, and would like to wish everyone all the best of luck and success to you all. I know what an emotional rollercoaster it can be, so love to everyone!

I went through ICSI August 2004 and had 37 eggs retrieved. It was my first treatment at age 38 and hubbie had fertility problems we found out two years after we had gotten married. It was his choice two years after we found out, that we would try ICSI treatment.

It all went horribly wrong during treatment.  I will never know for sure, but it is highly likely he started an affair with the office secretary around that time. I thought he had gone into a depression when treatment started, his behaviour towards me became bizarre, and we split up ten days after I had been brought out from hospital after suffering with moderate OHSS! 

Within a few months he had bought a flat with her, she had now left the office. Anyway my quick question is this, I am now divorced and 40. I have 22 embryos frozen up in Dundee for another four years, if my ex hubbie was to agree would I ever be allowed to use them? This is a totally hypothetical situation I am asking about of course.

THe last 18 months has been hellish, but I am divorced now My hubbie when he moved out would not tell me where he lived, and would not communicate. He pretty much I believe went straight to her. Anyway sorry for the garble will try and send it before it disconnects. XX


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## Tcardy (Nov 4, 2005)

Hiya carolinej 

i cant answer your question about your frozen embies but wanted to send you a   you have been through so much

i hope it all works out for you hun

Take Care

Tracey


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## carolinej (May 18, 2004)

Thanks Tracey, that is really kind of you.  I think I know the answer in my heart. It was just the case recently with the lady who had gone to european court, it seemed to suggest if her ex didn't oppose the frozen embryos being used, even although they had split up, she could have still used them. I just got a bit confused. I have never told the hospital all the details, they just know we have split, and they are to remain frozen.

I am just starting to date again, only had a few friendly dates  with a lovely man who is 49, sadly he said yesterday in conversation he has had a vasectomy, and at his age he said, has three already divorced, and doesn't want any more.

I decided that we wanted different things, and that it would never go further than friends. I was with my ex for 8 years, and you can imagine how devastated I was at the way he treated me in the end.  Of course it is all part of life.

Thanks again Tracey.


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## Tcardy (Nov 4, 2005)

anytime carolinej 

i am always here if you need a chat, you can pm me anytime hun  

take care and look after yourself

Tracey


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## tgold (Feb 23, 2006)

Caroline,

I don't have any useful information to offer, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your troubles - it sounds like a nightmare. Your ex Dh sounds like a **** 

I hope you can find some happiness soon - you deserve it.


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## KerryB (Mar 7, 2005)

Caroline,

I can only imagine what you must have been thru, I'm so sorry. I can't offer much advice about your frozen embies, all I can suggest is internet research.  Glad to hear you've been able to start dating again, you sound lovely and I'm sure you'll find someone who will treat as well as you shuold be.

Take care, and good luck
xxxxx


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## carolinej (May 18, 2004)

Thanks Tgold and kerryb, nice to have your support. I wish you all the best of luck with any treatment too! It is funny how life works out, we were told two years into our marriage that my hubbie had an almost zero count, and low motility etc, but I was told I had a good FSH at my age 38 then of 6.1. I think that is why I then got OHSS quite badly as they missguessed my drug limit.

The huge sadness for me is I am now aware that I am 40, and completely single. I like everyone else on this site would love to have children. I am lucky though that at least I am an Auntie to four, and that is something.

I still remain hopeful, and hope that some good luck comes along! 
It was a real kick in the teeth though from my hubbie. To spent ages 32 to 39  with him, knowing I couldn't have children naturally, then for him to dump me just after my IVF and go off with his Secretary!! Lovely!

Anyway I recognise some names here from before . Marielou a moderator being one. 
Lots of love and luck to you all! XXX


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## tgold (Feb 23, 2006)

It is truly unbelievable what you have been through.

You must have an amazing level of inner strength to have survived that. You could probably become a novelist on the basis of your experience!

Hopefully, you will meet some nice man who is good enough to deserve you.


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## NattKatt (Nov 2, 2004)

ARGH!! I too had a long post, and it didn't go through!  

Anyways..... (trying to remember what I wrote!).... when my dh and I were going through tx we had to sign consent forms with options for "what if" scenarious.... eg: what if one partner died (!!!!!), what if we divorced etc... we had to choose what we wanted to do with our embies.... but we can change the responses any time....

I wouldn't think it would be a problem if you ex agrees to it, however, things like child access (and do you want that nasty secretary to be involved in raising your child!)  , child support payments, parental responsibilities etc would need to be considered.... (hope this doesn't put a dampener on things!).

Have you thought about using donor sperm for when you want to conceive?  

Also, what would you do if he didn't agree?  Could you agree on what to do with the embies? (22 is so fab!!!  We had 3, after 38 follices, 11 eggs)

Hope this helps!

I admire your strength!

~Natt~


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## fluffyhelen9999 (May 13, 2005)

Hiya,

I too really hope you find some happyness soon!

My understanding of it also is that so long as your ex agree's then the embies could be used, though from what you were saying I doubt your ex would go along with it...  

Many clinics nowadays though treat single women if that was something that you wanted to do  doner sperm, would sound like an ideal option?

Helen x


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## carolinej (May 18, 2004)

Hi everyone, thanks for all your lovely replies. I think you are all amazing and thanks!! 

I have still got the paperwork copies in my bag, signed, but all they discuss is if my ex hubbie dies, then he says yes I could use the embryos or if he becomes mentally incapicated. (cue for some comments, but I won't!!  


There is nothing about divorce. I think I should just bite the bullet and write to the hospital. It was Dundee clinic, under NHS and they are 22 pro nuclei embryos (spelling) unsure if that is the correct word as so long ago, separated into four containers.

I am sure when I rang the hospital and spoke to one of the nurses,shortly after we split, she said oh you can't continue treatment now as you have split. I am sure the rule is every step of the treatment, (including embryos going back in, the stage we never got to as I had moderate OHSS) then you can't do it alone. 

The thing is, the laws may change, you never know. I will keep my fingers crossed for this female who made the papers recently, I know she has one more chance. 

I am wondering if rules are different for different clinics? Maybe I could have them transferred to another clinic. I will do some background work and find out. 

Still single by the way!! 

Good luck to everyone and thanks for any much needed advice!! XX


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