# Suicide thoughts



## BigSis

Hi I havent posted for ages but needed to tell someone how I feel

We went through our final frozen cycle last year in Feburary. We had already decided it would be our last attempt as we had decided on 3 tries right from the outset. It didn't work and at first I felt liberated and euphoric that we were no longer beholden to the terrible round of treatment and waiting and the financial drain and emotional turmoil. 

1 year later I am struggling and would like to try again or adopt but my husband is adamant he's had enough. All my friends have small children or are pregnant, and all my husband's siblings have children too. So not only am I dealing with all that but the fact that I feel as though I am losing my friends who seem to be too busy to even speak on the phone sometimes so I feel isolated too. I have a nice house, I have an ok job, I have a lovely dog & cat whom I adore - so why can't I just be happy with my lot ? It seems as though my maternal urge is so strong that I think about it all the time. Nice holidays, enough money to buy stuff and a marital relationship that is unencumbered by a family just does not seem to cut it. I think I'm good at appearing normal and happy in social occasions but none of our friends ever refers to our predicament or asks how I've been coping so it's as if it doesn't exist. I try to keep busy but whenever I have time to reflect, I just get down again. Christmas was particularly difficult. The future seems bleak without children and at the moment I dream of escape - and today even searched the web for information on sleeping pill overdoses. I don't agree with suicide as I think it is a selfish act, but I just feel as though I'm in a nightmare come true.

Any advice or words of wisdom gratefully received.

Bigsis


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## Pilchardcat

Hi Bigsis

Do you have anyone at the clinic you can call and speak too (counsellor in the ivf unit perhaps) in relation to how you are feeling?

Really think they could help you, you've been through so much and I know from experience that talking to someone impartial really helps.  They could probably see you quite quickly too.  Just a thought,

Amanda x


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## DizziSquirrel

Hi Big Sis
    
I am pleased youve shared your feelings here, as ackowledging them is a step in the right direction, prehaps having another chat with your DH explaining how you made the original descion thinking you could live with it but are now struggling and explain how your feeling and see how he thinks you can move forward ? 
I agree with Amanda you need to speak to a counsellor, but I would also urge you to see your GP, having been diagnosed twice with depression duriing our TTC years, I can totaly relate to what you are saying, for me counselling really helped as did anti depressants, both of which I wasnt sure would help,
in order to reply to your thread I searched my own posts, its amazing reading it back,
it also reminds me how many of us on this journey do feel just like you are now, 
take action hun, its the only way forward to feel happier and more positive and to enjoy your life.
~Dizzi~


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## Joolsmills

Oh Bigsis!  I know how you feel.  Family and friends don't realise sometimes how insensitive they can be! In their defence I don't think they mean it, its just they don't know how to deal with it so they don't say anything...which makes you feel worse.  The strain this puts on your relationship is immeasurable.  I had a terrible time after I had my miscarriage and went off the rails.  Wanted it all to end.  Like you had a nice house, holidays, money in the bank, good job, could have anything I wanted, except the one thing I truly want. I left my husband and bought another house!  He was devastated.  Not his fault...grief is a terrible thing.  We are back together now and starting over.  I felt very rational at the time but looking back I now know I needed help.  As long as you still love each other you will find a way to get through this but you MUST talk to someone.  I agree with Amanda you should contact your clinic.  Someone impartial is best.  

Jools X


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## beachgirl

Oh bigsis    I can fully appreciate how you are feeling..so glad that you feel that you can share it with us and let us help you get through this.

I too echo the others in urging you to contact your clinic or GP.  Have you a member of family or close friend you can call and speak to?  I know that you say your friends have children but I am sure that they would be there for you in a flash if they understood and knew what pain you are going through.. sometimes people don't realise how emotionally affected we are bt treatment and infertility as we are so good at hiding it..

If you want to please PM myself or any of us and we'll be there for you x


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## Branston Pickle

Hi bigsis

I work in mental health services so thought i would add to the advice given by the others. I think you need to see someone who is a specialist infertility counsellor. Using a regular counselling service e.g. thro your GP would help in that you can offload in relation to how you are feeling. The specialist however will have more knowledge and awareness of the processes, procedures, side-effects from meds, time scales, waiting times etc etc therefore I would suggest they are better placed to give you the support you need. If you are thinking about trying again, I would imagine you will spend quite a bit of time talking thro the feelings you had in relation to your other attempts. Therefore talking to someone who has an understanding of it all will help.

I would also echo what the others say. Go to your GP. Anti-depressants may help you feel better to get through the day to day grind and are a good idea to give you a kick start, but at the end of the day they are a a sticking plaster over the root cause of your low mood. You have to deal with what you want to do and how you want to proceed in the future .

I would also suggest you need to get talking to your DH  tell him exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think we give them more credit than they deserve.....they can be a bit thick at times....and need things spelled out to them, sometimes big flashing neon signs help   He may not have a grasp of exactly how bad you feel. I cried regularly when I found out my DH and I needed infertility treatment, so he was used to me being a bit unhinged. But it took me shouting and screaming at him and being a woman on the verge for him to realise just how badly I was coping with the run up to starting treatment. Try talking to him again, or if thats difficult for you some people find it helps to write it down.

On the day to day front.....you have to look at how you are managing your time. Keep  yourself busy withh good routines, and structure your time well. Its not productive having these thoughts about your friends. Mine are useless too . you just have to accept that they will never understand what you are going through . But dont cut your nose off to spite your face. People do get caught up in their own lives, especially if they have kids, just bite teh bullet and phone them. Keep your self busy, get out of the house, try and not avoid the world as this will only make your feelings worse. you have to nip this in the bud before it gets on top of you. 

Remember to eat well and do plenty of excercise for the endorphins.....I also recommend plenty of chocolate for the same reason.....in this case it should be on prescription  

I hope things work out for you bigsis. Reading your signature you have been through a rough ride. Keep your chin up and get on the phone to your GP in the morning and find out if your clinic has a fertility counsellor you can access. Best wishes

LTR xxx


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## nbr1968

Dear Bigsis

The advice you have been given is really good - I cannot add anything to it, except to say that I admire you for being so brave and writing your post - it took a great deal of courage added to the courage you have already had to show to date with all you have been through.  to you.

I too have had scary thoughts - but I am sure your DH feels as bereft as you do, but maybe does not want to add to your "burden" by sharing his thoughts. Men can sometimes (I do not want to generalise here) think that their "job" is to "fix" the problem, and when they cannot this frustrates them and they can sometimes close down their feelings. But I am sure that in their own way they feel exactly as we do, just sometimes have no idea how to express it. Maybe this is how your DH is feeling?

I too am talking to my GP about anti depressants and also counselling and as LTR said, I have asked my GP about someone who specialises in infertility - unfortunately I have been told that there is no one with specific IF knowledge, but I am going to give counselling another try and then see where i go from there - I can't feel any worse, right? 

LTR also mentioned routine, and exercise - this is good advice too - and getting out. But I know that this is hard - I know Bigsis that you probably find your home your sanctuary right now?

I have to make myself go out - I went out on Sunday and cried twice on the walk because it seemed like there were literally thousands of children and happy families about (literally a reminder of my own failure!) - I have not yet  got round to proper (daily) exercise and my routine is work, but I know in my heart that if I could just get some exercise I would feel better. 

In the meantime, if I get up, get dressed, fulfil my job requirements, and manage to get through another day, what more can I ask of myself for now? The fact that you are now addressing your feelings has to be a positive thing. Try not to be too hard on yourself - what you are going through now is hard.

I think when we are grieving all that IF has thrown at us, we are sometimes very hard upon ourselves. You are so right about how friends react - and like you all my friends have children (and because of my age some of them even have grandchildren now!) and I now feel that I am isolated too. I think that this is normal. It is hard to explain to those who have never suffered IF how it feels to have lost the dream of a family of our own. Grief is normally linked to loss of the physical and our grief is for loss of the physical babies we made but never got to meet and for the dreams we allowed ourselves while putting ourselves through the hell of IVF. 

Sorry for rambling Bigsis...I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that you are doing the right thing in seeking help and that there are others here on FF who are also going to be treading the same road as you moving forward - so let's do it together, so we don't feel so isolated. Come back here and let us know how you get on with your GP and moving forward - step by step.

Nbr68xxx


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## Bambam

BigSis I echo completely everything in LTR's post. It's packed with so much good advice   I know from personal experience that one of the hardest things when we are feeling this low is to actually start putting some of these things in to practise though. I simply just could not be bothered to do anything at all and I literally had to force myself to eat properly, make that call to my gp and one of the absolute hardest things was to start exercising. Once you do though things do start to become easier. Our bodies are amazingly powerful things and starting to put good food in gives your body more strength to deal with the emotional side of things. I used to graze throughout the day as initially I got lots of food in that didn't need to be cooked, things like yoghurts, fruit, bags of mixed salads that i could just add a tin of tuna to etc....

There were also times when i also just didn't want to feel better, which probably makes no sense at all but i think when we are so down it can also be quite scary the thought that one day we will be happy and ok about the fact we can't have children !!!

By putting a lot of the simple steps that LTR talked about in her post I am now extremely happy and proof that things do get better. It takes a while and FF was also a tremendous part of me getting to where i am now so keep talking to us and we will all help in any way we can

          

Amanda xx


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## BigSis

I just read all your lovely messages and I am so grateful for the supportive words, it really means a lot.

I have booked an appointment with my doctor and I am going to ask his advice on meds and request counselling as they offer it on the NHS where I live. I doubt they'll have an infertility trained counsellor but it's worth asking like you say. If it's not adequate, I might seek out a private counsellor. I think I needed to hit that really low point to admit that I still need help and I'm going to take positive action to get it. I'm sorry for sounding a bit dramatic but I really felt like that at the time - it's crazy isn't it.

Thank you so much Amanda, Dizzi, Jools, Beachgirl, LTR & NBR68 - you are stars   . Hugs to all of you.

BigSis


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## beachgirl

Bigsis   so pleased to hear you've made an appointment to see your GP..I really hope that you get a quick referral to a counsellor who'll be able to help you, in the meantime we're all here to listen and support both you and your DH.keep us informed of how things go won't you x


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## nbr1968

Bigsis

I echo what beachgirl said - good luck with your app with GP and counsellor - I am still waiting for my app with counsellor so let us know how you get on - maybe we could be counsellor buddies?

Nbr68xx


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## Bambam

Hi BigSis it was so great to read your last post and hear you sounding so positive about things     You've done brilliantly to get things moving so quickly hon   And it's not at all crazy to feel like you did, the brilliant thing is that when people hit rock bottom the only way is up      

Amanda xx


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## Pilchardcat

Good luck BigSis...good to hear you've made some appointments 

Amanda x


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## DizziSquirrel

I echo the others 
Its not crazy to feel or post that way, and some days are better than others,
be kind to yourself today and always        

~Dizzi~


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