# At a crossroads



## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hello everyone

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'm at a bit of a crossroads.  I've had 2 failed IVF cycles this year.  Our 2nd was ICSI and was a disaster.  At the moment I've no desire to go through a third cycle but I know in time that could change.

We're open to the idea of adoption and certainly don't see it as the easy option, but I'd just like to hear some good positive stories about it.  All I ever seem to see or hear about are the horror stories.

Thank you
xx


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi Steph,

So sorry to hear you've been having a tough time... Fertility treatment definitely is hard!

We decided to adopt a couple of years ago, and we got our daughter in March last year. I can't find one negative about our experience, yes it was difficult and emotionally draining but I much much preferred the adoption journey than the treatment journey. I felt from day 1 we were in control with adoption and the outcome was much more guaranteed.

Our little lady is sheer perfection, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny and she amazes me every single day with something new. Never for one moment does she not feel like "mine" and I was sincerely shocked at how deeply it is possible to love a human being. She completes us and I wouldn't change our path one single bit, everything that led us here was worth it and was destiny. In fact, I always say me and my hubby couldn't have made one this awesome 😂

Not every story is negative, yes, there are people who will tell you their horror stories, but I'm sure you would find many parents of birth children who will happily tell you all of their parenting "beef".

I'm sure you can read through the threads and find the horror stories yourself, but if positivity is what you want I am full of it, I am so pro adoption and have "assisted" some friends in starting their journey in to adoption and they are all positive endings too.

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions. Good luck xxx


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi Nicola

Thanks so much for your quick response.  This is exactly the kind of things I need to hear. It sounds like you have a wonderful little girl who has brought so much happiness to you and your husband.  

If money was no object I still could not go through round after round of IVF.  The toll it takes is immense.  Someone once told me that when they started the adoption process they felt so relieved as they knew they would be a mummy and the utter despair at your body failing you had gone.

We're taking at least 6 months from it all to decide what we want to do.  

thanks again you've just cheered me up no end  

xx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - just about to rush out to do the school run so very short reply. Our big negative about the adoption process was the assessment process itself (first time around anyway). Medical advisor had an issue with us and tried to block us - we got there in the end. 

I won't lie and pretend placement was easy - with our AD she had a very tough first 12 months of her life and it took her a good 6 months to adjust to life with us and trust us. Despite that she was very much lovable from day 1 as long as we reminded ourselves what she had been through. When AS was placed it was even easier and we are now at panel again later this week for 4th ( we also have one bio son).

Adoption can be hard but so can having birth children and I am 100% pro adoption!

Good luck


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## Darcy2012 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hiya
I'm don't often post but wanted to reply as our experience is also very positive.
We have adopted a little boy and girl, siblings 6 months ago. They are our world, beautiful, funny and bright, full of energy, I can't remember what life was like before they came along! We have had our moments and challenges along the way but totally worth it and as one of the other ladies said we often say we couldn't have made better!

The process/ assessment can be draining and intrusive but wasn't half as bad as I expected. There will be stories where it hasn't always worked our or there have been many more challenges but I am 100% Pro adoption, it gave us our family.

Good luck with whatever you decide for the future.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Well if this is a positivity thread count he in! We attended an info evening Feb 2014 after 3 failed cycles. We started officially end of March 2014 and were approved sept 2014. We were linked with our lo in Aug 2014 so just before we were approved. We had a few ups and downs and uncertainty about if and when it would go through but December 15th lo's placement order was granted and we started intros the following day. He moved in 19th Dec 2014 aged 6 months. He has no health concerns and is meeting all his developmental milestones and is just quite simply amazing! He legally became our son in June last year which was incredible. So we were his parents the first time he sat unaided, crawled,first solid foods, first steps, first words, first teeth, first Christmas and first birthday none of which we ever thought woukd be possible through adoption. We were lucky I know that but there are plenty that adopt at a similar age to our lo. Our la agreed to foster to adopt initially with him because of the timings of Christmas it would have meant waiting until February for a matching panel with intros being end of Feb or early March. None of us wanted that as it was in his best interests to move as young as possible.
There's not a single day goes by without me sitting staring at him so full of love it brings tears to my eyes every time no matter how much he's tested me that day. Adoption has undoubtedly been the very best thing we have ever done and probably ever will.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Pixie came home 17 months ago aged 8.5 months and we love him so much sometimes I just want to squeeze him and smother him in kisses, even when he is asleep! Given his family history he may face issues in the future but at the moment he is developmentally normal toddler (we personally think he is officially the greatest baby in the world but we may be biased). He is funny, loving and such a character. Best thing we ever did.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

We found the assessment process no trouble ( but I quite like filling in forms!) Under a year from starting we brought our gorgeous 9 month old daughter home. 
She is nearly two now and just amazing. She's funny, cheeky, determined, very quick, sociable and extremely loved by all our family. 
Can not imagine life without her. 

Good luck X


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Great agency, amazing social worker, actually enjoyed the process as each session was a step closer to being a family and as we had no skeletons in our closets we pretty much sailed through. Panel was 7 months after starting, linked 2 months later and little pink came home aged 10 months 2 months later, so all within a year. She is happy, healthy, straightforward placement from a wonderful FC. No 'issues' and so blooming switched on we're in trouble with this one   So there you go, a super postive story from the most pro-adoption person ever (she says having a birth child - never again!!   ) I must stress the process and court system has changed since we adopted so our story may not be so typical going forward but it wouldn't stop me adopting again in the future. My other half may disagree though, apparently two is our lot    But I'm so proud of our story! Masses of luck whatever you decide xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I enjoyed the assessment process (I know, I'll get my coat...  *g*) and first time round we went to approval panel with a potential link already in place.  The first moment I read about him I fell instantly in love.  When I met him it got deeper, stronger, warmer, real.

Before Bug, I was unhappy most of the time.  After Bug I'm tired, flustered, always untidy, but deeply, gut-wrenchingly happy, must of the time.

He's smart, jaw-droppingly gorgeous (and other people say this, it's not just mummy-glasses!), kind, incredibly funny and a deep thinker.  He's fast, agile, strong, small and intrepid.  He has amazing, intelligent, physical courage.  He's snuggly and loving, caring and bossy!

Last night he told me off for laughing when a little boy fell over in You've Been Framed....  "But Mummy, that's not nice, he could have bumped his nose!"  He then proceeded to laugh like a drain every time a "grown-up" fell over.

There were a few months when he first came home that were incredibly tough, emotionally and physically.  But we - he, and I and DH - beat them, and now that's passed.  You will probably have moments when you think, "what have I done?" but they will be moments, and they will pass.

Our school tells us he's ahead of the curve for maths, social skills, phonics, physical development, and about right for mark making/writing (I think he's a bit behind there, but he'll catch up, I'm sure.)  His reports and parent evenings consist of a deluge of praise.  We still go away wondering if they were trying to tactfully point out an area for improvement but we missed it.... they assure us they weren't!

He feels utterly and completely ours.  We talk about him "taking after" his Dad and Mummy and never for a second think about his birth family in that context.  He knows "he grew in X's tummy but X couldn't keep him safe so he lived with Y until Mummy and Daddy came," and it doesn't seem to faze him.  I do not think of him as 'labelled' adopted or think I'm 'pushing adoption in his face all the time' when we're talking about his babyhood, because I think of adoption as this freaking amazing miraculous thing to be celebrated because it brought this perfect being into our life.  I want to shout from the rooftops that we adopted, because - LOOK! - how awesome is he!!!

But I know I'm weird that way.  

He has his issues.  We have yet to find an 'off switch'.    When tired he just keeps going faster and louder and more incessant like the energiser bunny on acid.  We live in awe and envy of those parents of children who can let their children run till they drop at family events or holidays, because Bug doesn't drop.  Not ever.  He's stubborn about food.  Anxious about change.  Hyper and 'naughty' when anxious.

But I've seen these things in children who don't have Bug's background, so I just tend to think he has more good excuses.  

It might be because of neonatal drug and alcohol use, but frankly I don't give a sh!t because it's part of the perfectly awesome wonderfulness that is Bug and Bug alone, so as long as I can help him with it, I don't care.

And in any case, it was a great match for us.  We wanted a child who was full of joy and a bundle of mischief.    

Re the horror stories - remember that the folk who aren't living with that are out flying kites, planning birthdays, arguing about homework and wondering when they're next going to sit down as a family and eat a meal without someone whining for the telly.  They're too busy being a happy, normal family to need to vent on forums.  

(I'm just here because I like the company, love to talk about Bug and want to help.  )

Good luck!


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Wow!!!!

I'm so overwhelmed by all of your lovely stories and would like to thank each and every one of you for sharing.  It's so refreshing to hear positivity.

We're going to take the next 6 months to really decided what path we wish to take.  We understand that it won't all be plain sailing no matter what we decide but at least we can consider adoption now with a more open and positive mind.

And please if anyone else wants to post their positive story on here I'd love to keep seeing them  

Steph
xxx


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## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

I wish there was a like button for all these posts x
We also found the whole process incredibly straight forward and it was less than a year from the information evening to our amazing munchkin coming home 😍
Finally walking away from IVF and the horrible dark world it had taken us too was like stepping out into the sunshine again. We finally got our lives back and although wed always talked about adoption, for us it's the best thing we've ever done.
We were linked within 3 weeks of being approved and in short our little girl is simply amazing... and like others have said we truly believe we couldn't have "created" a better fit for our family x
She's gorgeous and it's amazing how many people stop to comment how happy and smiley our little lady is.. she truly lights up a room and our family are utterly besotted with her.  People keep telling me how bright she is and she's just a joy to be around.
Don't get me wrong being a mum is the hardest job in the world  (used to be angry with people who said this and just think they should be grateful ) and there are days I wanna run away and hide but then she smiles at me and my heart melts 💕
Adoption has given us the family we always longed for and she couldn't be any more our daughter then if I'd given birth... Every day I feel incredibly blessed that she's in our lives xxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Great idea to take some time, Steph.    Those 'mulling it over' times are important.

I'm loving these stories.  Thanks to everyone for sharing.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Loving the stories too. Just a quick one to say that I'm not quite at the happy ending yet but I'm already 100% sure that leaving fertility treatment behind was a good decision for us. We took our time and, after our 2nd round of ICSI deliberated a bit about adoption, and did go for a third (which turned into a heartbreaking 4th with FET). I don't regret the treatment we did have as it felt important to start the adoption process without being overwhelmed by what ifs. But I'm so glad we stopped when we did. You've survived what I've seen in your signature (hugs, hugs,hugs), so the adoption assessment will be a walk in the park! And you will feel positive again, I promise. These days my period is an irritating surprise, which is a huge change from two years ago when I would have been able to tell you at any given moment exactly where I was on my cycle. We're off to matching panel next week for a little boy and I am so ready to love him. I'll always grieve the birth child I never had, but I think about that grief less and less and I know my life will be complete without a birth child. And in fact, I now think it'll be a lot more interesting and exciting! Take some time to decide what is right for you guys. Good luck! xxx


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi ladies

I just wanted to let you know that I sent this link to my husband. He had been feeling very anxious about adoption but after reading all of your stories he now feels more positive going forward if adoption is the path we choose.

*Ozzycat* - if you don't mind me asking how old was your little girl when you got her?

xx


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## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi Steph,
Munchkin was 7 months when we were linked and 8months when intros started... shes now just turning 14 months and while I'm sat here typing I can her hubby singing to her on the monitor  (he hasn't a clue it's on full volume! ) and in 8 years of marriage I'd never heard him sing till she came home 😍😍


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Ah Ozzycat that last line choked me up, how wonderful


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

I agree! These stories have been inspiring. I wish there was more of these kind of stories readily available. 

Xxx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Steph - I think someone might have mentioned it but the majority of adopters you find online are those going through the process or those having problems and needing support. The ones who have not needed that extra support are just getting on with their lives so unfortunately you will hear less about great adoption can be.


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi, I totally understand that, sometimes forums for support are the first place you turn to when you are struggling. I never thought I'd get the amount of positive stories I have read over the last couple of days. I just want to say thank you all for sharing. It's made a big difference to me but an even bigger difference to my husband who wasn't keen at all. He's now talking about it much more as a option for us which is a major move forward. No matter what happens in the future we now know we have other options. I honestly feel like a tonne weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Big hugs to everyone


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Steph, my husband wouldn't even read a leaflet on adoption and it was therefore written off to us. I tried for years (literally) to get him on board!
It was only when we suffered a bereavement that he agreed to read up on it, being honest I think he just said it to make me feel better as I was so low at the time... I then went ahead and spoke to our local authority who agreed it was probably good if they came to see us that very day to make him realise there was nothing to fear (strike while the fire is hot!) I actually thought he would walk out once I dropped the bombshell they were coming that evening, but he stayed and listened and we completed the application form that night.

I'm not saying every hubby is the same, but I do think it's quite the norm on here to have one of you being a little hesitant. My hubby is a sportsman and does everything to win, since we have chatted adoption after we went through it he has told me more about why he always said no, and that was he felt we might fail, we wouldn't be good enough, we weren't the people who adopt and so on! We laugh about it now...

As soon as he spoke to our team manager she put all of his fears at ease, she told us a little about the type of children they have for adoption and the main thing she said that stuck with us was that they just want "normal people" 

One of the greatest things in life is seeing the person you love be who they are meant to be, and when my hubby gets in from work on an evening my little princess goes running to him and their faces match each other's with happiness. He was meant to be her Daddy ❤

It's so nice to see such happy stories on here everyone, I love what adoption has given us all xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Ozzy, that's beautiful.


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## KELLSBELLS27 (Jun 7, 2015)

Ah girls - we are considering this road and I was in floods reading your comments - im so very happy for you all.

i was told by a local social worker that they have a waiting time in between last cycle and starting the process so we have to bare that in mind 

I am a quasi-adopted mummy at the minute to my beautiful 3 year old dog who i ordered a dog birthday cake for April today...yip I am one of those dog owners.. and although not a child I love her so much and i know i have a lot of love to give to a wee angel who needs a loving home

hopefully one day soon


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah Kellsbells we too had a beautiful adopted collie. She very sadly died in September so our lo only knew her for a few months but she was so good with him and she clearly loved him. 
It's a tough journey but the results are more than words can describe. I get so choked whenever I think of just how amazing our lo is. It just gets better and better every day.


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi Kellsbells
I'm also an adoptive mummy to a furbaby (see profile pic  ) I adore him and wouldn't have been able to have coped without him in the last year.  He's fabulous with my niece & nephew (8 & 5).  I just know he'll be brilliant with any children we have, our own or adopted.

The stories on here so far have been so inspirational I've loved reading them all too.

All the best for the future hun, sounds from your signature that you've had a tough time.   

xx


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