# RANT ALERT - IVF ... a lifestyle choice!!! ???



## Munki (Sep 15, 2011)

I am so angry I don't know whether to scream, cry or smash a load of plates (instead of someone's head).

Last Sept we had a 4th cycle with of DE icsi, I had a very stress year leading upto it with work.  I am a supervisor of a small team but everyone of them with huge personal/medical problems which was very stressful.  Due to all of this my Dr signed me off with stress leading upto and after the failed cycle, which was about 8 weeks.

Up til now my boss (male) had been quite supportive although "thought I was nuts for wanting children", but I did not tell my team about any of the IVF cycles, despite one of the bosses urging me too as he thought it would be better if they knew what I was going thru and couldn't or wouldn't understand why I didn't want to tell as other people he knew were quite happy too!!

I had to come to terms with the fact that I could neither have a child of my own or at least half which was my husband's, and with money in limited supply decided on Embryo Adoption, with all the heart ache and emotional turmoil that brings. 

I took 2 weeks leave before going for the transfer in Spain in Feb, and with all the turmoil at work and a big office move I ask my doctor to sign me off work for the 2WW as I also get stressed with big changes.  Unfortunately he wrote "Fertility Treatment" on my note.  Along with this I have a thryoid issue made worse my a change in my tablets.

Although I didn;t believe it had worked I received a BFP, so shocked, so excited, so scared, so didn't believe it was true so rang the clinic back the day after to ask what the result was again!!

I went back to the Drs and due to the move physically taking place that week I was due back with the BFP asked if he could sign me off, which he did but for Hypothyroidism.

Devastatingly I started to bleed and at 7 weeks I had a scan and told that I;d had a miss-miscarriage/blight ovum, so was signed off work  again but noted as a Miscarriage.

Back at work I have been told that should I take anymore sick related to IVF my employers will take legal advice as I am making myself sick through a LIFESTYLE CHOICE, and this is not an acceptable reason for being off sick apparently.

A LIFESTYLE CHOICE, how many couples would choose fertility treatment over conceiving naturally, a boob job is a lifestyle choice, having children or not is a lifestyle choice, having fertility treatment is NOT a choice when you desperately want children but can't naturally.  OUTRAGED is such a pale small description of how I feel.

Apparently I am a drain on the public purse, however, I have not put off having children because I wanted to pursue my career I put them off because I wanted a stable loving relationshiip before I had them.  Had I just gone out at the age of 30 and got pregnant with any old fertile male ( as I use to promised myself I would when I was a naive youngster if I hadn;t met someone/got a family by then), then I might've have been a drain on the public purse, claiming benefits, housing etc.

I am devastated, I can't have a further cycle without a job and getting paid.  I get stressed at work, so would be hard to have another cycle without some sick unless of course Senior Management authorise a period of leave more than two weeks.  Feel like I;ve been told to choose my job or being a Mum.

I am so confused with it all anyway, do I carry on because of my age, always said I would stop at 45, been self-reliant/selfish for so long would I be able to cope with having to be responsible for another tiny life, worrying about how the step-kids will take it (not a particular great relationship with them) and now to top it off, work no longer supportive, would I be a good mum?  How would any child feel knowing we were not their biological parents and as they were adopted in Spain would not be able to find out anything about where they came from.  My head is fit to burst with all this and trying to figure out why it failed this time.  I wish I knew where to turn ...

Sorry about the long rambling, I just needed to get it off my chest.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah honey, I'm so sorry for everything that you have been through and are still going through.

With regards to work please seek some advice - ACAS or Trade Union, Citizens Advice, or a solicitor (some will provide free advice in these kind of circumstances - in fact you may even have a case against them for their treatment of you so start to keep a very detailed diary of what they say and do).

As far as I was aware "lifestyle choice" can result in sick pay being revoked, or warnings being given, when it is related to you doing something in your leisure time that puts you at constant risk of injury that would inevitably result in you needing time off work; things like playing rugby, not fertility treatment!

Don't let all this make you think you would be a "bad mother". You are thinking things through, possible consequences, questioning things, being thoughtful - all things that would make you a good mother.

Please sit down and talk to your OH and have some "you" time - you have been through a lot recently with your loss and need time to grieve without putting pressure on yourself  

Hugs honey, thinking of you xxx


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi *Munki*,

Didn't want to read and run... Your post made me so angry too - one of my major pet hates is people saying that IVF is a lifestyle choice . People turn to IVF for SO many reasons, the overwhelming majority of which legitimate medical reasons, regardless of age, but NEVER, ever through choice. Yeah, it's a right laugh to hear fertility treatment is your only realistic chance of conceiving, a real joy being on medication that can make you feel all hormonal, even ill, the best fun I've ever had injecting myself all alone at home stressing out that I need to make sure I'm doing this right because my future baby depends on it . Such a lovely, relaxing, stress-free process, and all that exciting anticipation of what the next stage of the cycle with bring . And how special and wonderful that you get to share what for everyone else is but a mere natural, intimate process with a whole host of doctors, consultants, nurses, receptionists and select friends and family . I'm SO glad I *chose* to have IVF rather than just chose to conceive naturally .

Please don't let anything anyone with no knowledge whatsoever of all this process entails start making you doubt your ability to be a good mum. You deserve this as much as anyone else, and the simple fact that you've already put yourself through so much to achieve your dream is evidence enough that you'll be a fantastic mum that any child would be proud of .

Sorry I can't be of more concrete help... Just wanted you to know that I really feel for you having had to go through so much and then be treated as you're being treated at work . Surely no serious doctor would sign off a patient for anything IVF-related if they didn't think it had any medical significance, if they thought you'd chosen to put yourself through everything and consequently make yourself ill? I'd definitely follow *Cloudy's* advice and seek some professional advice yourself.

Wishing you all the very best and lots of luck ,

xxx


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## Munki (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks Cloudy and Honor 77.  I have taken Cloudy's advice and started a diary of things that have been said and will continue to do so.  
Thank you both so much for your caring words.

Munki xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi Munki
i can't tell you how mad i was when i read this, its disgraceful.
you defo need to speak to someone at acas. I dont know what kind of company you work for but check out their sickness policy and whether you have breached the 'allowed' episodes of sickness. if so have you had proper return to work interviews and been set new targets based on your situation?
sending you big hugs, you really dont need this stress on top of the awful fertility roller coaster. 
xxxxxx


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

*Munki* Massive  I cannot believe your work have said that, truly, I'm gobsmacked. I think the others have said it well before me, but I would definitely seek advice. I have heard of workplaces calling tx a lifestyle choice but that doesn't mean it's correct. I think it's disgusting.
If someone contracts an illness no-one deems treatment a lifestyle choice. Infertility is recognised as an illness.

Please don't let all of this shake your confidence in being a mother, going through all of this only makes us better and wiser, if a little fragile.
Your work need to think about things a bit more. How will affect them if you end up being signed off work long term due to the stress?
Argh I'd like to come and  them up for you!

Hope things get better soon, so sorry for your loss xxx


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

To say I'm astounded is an understatement. I know that some companies are wary of women taking time off for fertility treatment and ask that some of its taken as holiday but to threaten legal action. They need to be very sure they are right because in most cases any tribunal would find in favour of the employee esp if you can prove the reason you have been signed off is because the job makes it difficult to combine the two and its a stressful process. Definitely seek legal advice from an employer specialist. I think they're trying to frighten you with no grounds. You could go on long term sick now with stress and they wouldn't have a leg to stand on!! It infuriates me that people claim we choose to do this. As the others have said we all love injecting ourselves or turning into the devil woman. Waiting to see if once again we've failed to do what some 16 can do on a night out. Or worse have it snatched away from us. Its the one stress that noone can understand unless they've gone through. I've even fallen out with my sister over it as she's got 2 kids with no probs and said some stupid comments about not giving up until a dr tells me it won't happen. Never mind the physical and emotional heartache I'm going through with failed cycles and mc's. I really feel for you and hope you get it sorted. Please don't let it put you off ttc don't let the buggers win hun. Huge hugs. Xx


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## mrs_ixy (Jul 16, 2010)

Hi Munki 

I used to be a trade union rep until quite recently and I think your employer could quite legitimately get into trouble for sexual discrimination over this.

I'm astonished at their attitude and thankful my own employer is understanding. Do speak to Acas as they'll give you proper advice but I hope you get it sorted x


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## knickerbockerglory (Aug 10, 2011)

Hi Munki

disgusting! It beggars belief that we can be treated this way but unfortunately it does go on. surely some of your sick leave was pregnancy related so they cannot penalise you for that?

I work in Local Goverment and basically they do not allow any paid time off for fertility treatment. I wasnt expecting loads of time off but a few token days would be nice. basically I have to use annual leave/unpaid leave. Unfortunately I had asked the question and alerted my managers to what I was doing so couldnt then take sick leave. My manager is being very supportive in allowing me to take unpaid leave when I want but given that we are having to make lots of budget cuts, this just helps her out! 

Definately worth taking legal advice, I wish you all the luck in the world, dont let some mis-informed idiots get you down xx


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