# And I thought having IVF could be controvesial....



## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey all

Well, decided to tell our parents and a couple of close friends that we were thinking of trying again and would be sharing/donating.

Since everyone knew we had had IVF to have our DS I never even contemplated that there may be any negative reactions but there was   

We are only at the very beginning (in fact I'm waiting for the secretary to call with a time for my first appointment) but really wish I hadn't said anything. There is a huge difference between "going it alone" and not telling anyone and telling people and "being in it alone".  

Was even told that I'm being incredibly selfish for considering donating as I'm "giving my baby away"...extemely hurt and a bit sad that even after all these years and those closest to me knowing all about our journey that they don't have the capacity to at least try to understand. 

Anyway, that's my whinge over with.

Hope everyone is well.

Cherriepie.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it sounds a little odd to me, that someone could describe 'giving a baby away' as 'selfish'. it's not like you're giving one to the salvation army so you don't have to look after it. if you donate eggs it's the absolute opposite of selfish. It's quite brave and kind. 

oddly though i hadn't thought before about the effect on grandparents and i suppose they could think that 'they will have a grandchild they will never meet'. I guess they could feel upset about that, if they thought that. 

families are complicated.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks for your reply.  Thankfully it wasn't our parents who said that although they were a little "quiet" when we told them.  When I was having IVF before and having met lots of lovely ladies on here who were waiting for egg donors I decided I would like to donate.

After thinking about it long and hard, we decided egg sharing would be the way to go for us as I had 17 eggs last time which I couldn't possible use if we were to get the same on this cycle so it means that I can donate from this cycle and help someone else in the process.  

There were a lot of hurtful things said by this friend and tbh I can't believe she thinks so little of us.  She thinks that my motivation is to reduce costs and at first said I was selling my babies. When I explained I wanted to help someone who may be finding it hard to hold on to the hope she said I was giving them away.  

It's upsetting as this friendship was important to me but I can't see a way of reconciling this at this point.

Would have thought I'd be used to it by now and have heard it all....life is just full of surprises though!

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me...your point about our parents is very good.  I hadn't thought about it that way so will definitely make sure I speak to them about it.

Cherriepie.


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Hi Cherriepie

Couldn't read and run.  I am pregnant with our first but have already decided if/when we do treatment for our second that I will without a doubt give some of my eggs away.  I am a PCO suffer have always over produced - I have loads of blasts on day 5 but as I do not have a good lining for FET we never freeze them and only transfered 2 last time.  Lately I have started to think how much I could help someone else - I think this website makes me realise the crap different people go through and I am so enternally grateful and blessed for our treatment to have finally work.  I keep thinking what if I needed donor eggs, then I would just expect that someone would out there to help me. . . 

Dh and I discussed it and we view it a bit like you would donating a body part after death (though less morbid) it would be something I didnt need anymore that could go a long way to helping someone else.  I am sorry your family dont feel the same as you do, I have learnt through all this that you really have to be ''in it'' to know it. . .and its so easy to throw comments will little knowledge.

Follow your heart, I am certain you are doing the right thing and if it was you that was needing the eggs to make your babies then it might be seen in a different light.  I admire you XX


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## dingle123 (Jun 16, 2010)

So sorry you've had this response...it doesn't surprise me. I know quite a few eggs sharers in RL who have had similar reactions. When we first mentioned it to my MIL a few years ago she threw the 'giving your babies away' line at us - horrible.

Hopefully you will find lots of support here. I do think it's hard for people not going through it to get their heads around it.

Dingle/Laura xx


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## waikiki (Aug 11, 2010)

Cherriepie - As someone who is currently undergoing DE treatment, I was really sad to read about what your friend said.  I think that you are doing an incredibly kind and brave thing and I am very thankful that people like you are out there to help people like me.  I think the way that vixter describes it as like donating a body part is the right way to think about it.

I think that there is a lot of negative information in the media about egg donation being just for women who have 'left it too late' to have their own kids and egg donors being exploited for their eggs.  I can see that you have chosen to donate your eggs for the very best, altruistic reasons, but perhaps your friend's opnions have been informed by these media stories.  When I started ttc I was a fit, healthy 28 year old with no reason to expect that I would have any problems conceiving.  Back then I probably would have been pretty freaked out by the idea of giving my eggs away to another lady, because I hadn't experienced IF.  Now 7 years and 8 failed IVF cycles down the road I am a very different person and if my eggs were any good I would give every single one away if it meant that I could prevent another lady from going through what I have been through.

I hope that given time your friend and parents will come to realise what an amazing thing it is that you are doing.

 waikiki


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks for your replies ladies.

Vixter - congratulations to you both!  I like your analogy of body parts.  I decided long before I had my DS, after meeting ladies on here who were waiting on egg donors that whether my tx worked or not I woud donate.  Its really nice to hear that I'm not the only person who has thought this way and lovely to know that you understand what I'm thinking.

Waikiki - Thank you for sharing with me.  It's nice to hear from someone who has experience either as a recipient or a donor.  In the past there were times when I had felt so sorry for myself but I made good friends with people who for various reasons needed donors.  I was so moved by the fact that they were relying on someone else to give them hope of fulfilling their future dreams and I felt so blessed that, despite having no tubes I wasn't waiting for a phonecall so to speak.  I try to understand what it would feel like but I know that would never compare to actually experiencing it.  I have have a friend now who waited so long on a donor that she was "too old" by the time they found one for her.  I just feel that I am in a position to help and if it was me I know I would be hoping, praying and bargaining with the universe for someone to come along and help.  Thank you for your kind words but I actually think that you are the brave one! I really hope whatever you decide comes next works out for you.

Hugs to you both. xxx


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Waikiki - thank you too.  Want to do it more than ever now.  I am so sorry your journey has been so hard


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Wow, I've only told my mum n 2 friends but all have been supportive. 

I think in my current situation my eggs are just going to waste- and it could have just as easily been me that needed the eggs! 

I read on here that we are just giving away a seed, that needs nurishing, loving home to grow. And I like that thought xx


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## galprincess (Nov 12, 2007)

Cherrypie i told everyone last time and i got all the rubbish about financial etc all i will say is i was very honest with people thinking naively they would feel same way as i do but they didnt my SIL was evil she has 2 ivf twins so thought she would understand but she didnt i basically said to my friends and family that its my life my body and if they were not so fortunate to have had eggs i would hope someone wouldve helped them!!!
My SIL said about giving my babies away well she has IVF twins and dumps them every weekend on my mum so i threw that at her that im donating eggs not a child she actually dumps physical beings to go shopping or drinking etc. I think you should be proud and i told everyone you dont have to like my decision but respect it and they have done i often think about my recipient and i know she had twins and i think that everyday for her must feel like christmas and that for me is worth everything so much so im on my 2nd share fingers crossed i do it for me and new recipient !!!


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## Scoobydo (May 1, 2011)

Hi Cherrypie and everyone,

I just wanted to say that if it wasn't for people like you I would not have the chance to go through a cycle. 
I have tried with my own eggs and unfortunately they are too poor quality, so this is the only option for me which i have thought long and hard about and have done loads of research and talking to people.

*Thank you * for donating as it really can make such a massive difference to peoples live and being able to have a family which otherwise they would not have the chance of.

It is frustrating that some are able to have children and then don't want to spend time with them or nurture them and do not realise what a precious gift they have. I think people only understand if they have gone through this themselves or watched someone close to them suffer. I have been very fortunate to have been given lots of support from friends, work colleagues and family.

So please take all the support from the wonderful people on this website.

With much love and thanks

Lisa xxx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Jesus - how ignorant can these people be! I agree about not over-sharing, but you must be excited about your journey and support/encouragement is always nice. So sorry they couldn't even give that to you.
I discussed egg sharing with my mum at length this weekend, and she asked why we didn't just try naturally (my donor/co-parent and I aren't currently in a relationship and don't live in the same country), bless her!
I told her if I kept faffing about I'd be too old for the programme, and also I HAVE been trying without success on and off for 3 years, so I am sick of waiting. At my age my mum had 2 kids so she understood - in any case, she was supportive. 
Really hoping your relatives and friends come around, I firmly believe it's the sort of life situation nobody should judge unless they are going through the same thing! xx


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