# Looking into adoption and have some questions....



## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi everyone,

This is my first post so apologies if I get any abbreviations wrong!

DH and I are just starting to look into adoption and everything it entails, we haven't made contact with any agencies yet (although from our research so far, we have a choice of only two - LA and Barnardos), but we have a couple of questions, and wondered if anyone here might be able to answer them...

From reading online it seems that your immediate family are quite a big part of the assessment process, I am no longer in touch with my father (last contact with him was almost 7 years ago) or any of his family. I chose to end my relationship with him for a variety of reasons, and I wondered whether this will be an issue? As I have no contact with him, will they ignore his existence, or is likely to count against us? Will they want to make contact with him? (He doesn't know where we live and so I would be wary of any information being passed on to him). My brother is in touch with him, but doesn't ever mention me, and I don't attend any family events where he will be there.

It also appears that the agency likes you to have experience of children and childcare. I used to look after a relatives children quite frequently, but there was a huge family argument some years ago, and they no longer speak to my family so I wouldn't be able to give them as any kind of reference, and I have very little other experience of child care other than babysitting as a teenager. Basically I am only in touch with my mother and brother, will this be an issue?

Our LA states on their adoption information page that they are mainly looking for adoptive parents for 5-7 year olds and that there are very few babies (even going so far as to capitalise and put it all in bold font!). DH and I are in our twenties, and I wouldn't feel able to cope with a 5-7 year old. Ideally we'd like a child as young as possible, but we appreciate that this is unlikely. Will the LA not be interested in assessing us if we tell them we don't want an older child? I have seen on here that quite a few people have been matched with children under a year old, is this fairly common? We live in a remote are of the UK (which is why we have a choice of two agencies), is it possible to be matched with children from elsewhere in the UK through our own LA?

I'm sorry if this type of thing has been covered elsewhere, and that it's turned into a horribly long and rambling post.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Twinkletoes.


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi Twinkletoes,

I have a similar issue with my mum and am wondering if that will count against us too, if we choose to adopt. Sorry I don't have any wise words to offer, apart from to say you're not the only one in this situation, and I'm sure there must be lots of people who have been able to adopt with all sorts of family issues - all families seem to have them  although some more than others! 

I'm sure it will be okay, as long as you are completely honest with the SW about your reasons for not seeing your dad. What they're looking for is a safe, secure environment for children. If not seeing him/others in your family contributes to that, that only goes to prove you are a protective person.

Best of luck with everything     xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi   on making this step it is truly the most rewarding and amazing thing I have ever done. The social worker will ask questions and will ask how this has effected you and will probably be raised a lot but shouldn't stop you moving forward.  We both had family problems with  brothers dh doesn't even know where he is and was no problem.  Obviously they may feel more strongly about a parent give them a ring and ask.

We were told at info evening NO BABIES if we were looking for under 1 we were in wrong place and mainly 2-3 year olds needingnew ffamilies.  We carried on 2-3 didn't worry us. Our little girl should have been home at 9 months but due to the very sad death of my father in law we had to delay. We first met her 2 weeks after her 1st birthday.  So much for no babies.  The eldest child placed on our prep group was 4 almost 5 and was part of a sibling group.
You will need childcare experience local play group nursery etc will probably snap your arm off.
Good luck with your journey xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good luck nothing to add to AAA's great advice there are a few ladies on here who have similar situations and it hasn't stood in their way. Our SW was really bothered about proximity when looking at support network so she was more interested in a number of friends that live very close than a number of family members that live further away. As long as you can explain rationally and still provide your 3 references (these can be friends) then no problem. Some volunteering with kids would really help your application and make you look really committed and keen.


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for replying - I really appreciate your comments.

It's good to hear that my dad issue shouldn't hold us back, and I am more than happy to explain to the SW why the situation is as it is. It doesn't affect us is any way (in fact most of time I forget I even have a dad!).

Volunteering somewhere is something that I will look into. Would it need to be both of us, or would it be ok for just me to do it, as I will the primary care giver? Can looking after friend's kids be ok too? We only have one set of friends who have children so that's maybe not enough.

Gwyneth27 - you mention proximity to a support network. We live very rurally (small village of about 100 people), and have only recently moved here. DH's family is about 4hrs away, and mine are 10hrs away, with regards to friends, as we've only recently moved here, we have one set of close friends who live about an hour away, and then a range of friends (who I'd not describe as close) but none of them have kids. We know our neighbours, and a good chunk of the village to say hello to etc. Will this be an issue do you think?

Congratulations on your little girl, AAA. It must be wonderful!   Best of luck to 2708Belle and Gwyneth27 for everything. 

Sorry to bombard you all with questions again! I really appreciate your help.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

My la's page say we have very few babies and most need for children over 3. We were matched with a 22 month old though we were actually approved for children 2 and a half to 5  as we are a bit older (our choice). Two ladies I met through Training were both matched with 9 month olds and a couple with siblings of 1 and 2. You can certainly be matched with children outside your la. Mine have so few adopters they frequently need to look nationwide. They were infact looking nationwide for my lo before we were approved.

You could do with some more childcare experience and you need to think about references, they like them to be able to talk about your childcare experience though only 2 of ours had seen us with children and one of those was many many years ago.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

For volunteering opportunities nearby use this website http://www.do-it.org.uk/

It would be best if you could babysit your friend's kids for a weekend, or at least overnight and it really should be the two of you, even though you are the main care giver you can't be there 24/7.
There must be some sort of nursery nearby which will be happy for volunteers, just a few hours for a few weeks will do.

My DW didn't have much childcare experience so we babysat her brother's two boys for 30+ hours, and that's all the experience she needed.

Good luck x


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi all,

Thanks again for all your replies.

I have got a list of nurseries near by and I'll give them a ring once we've taken the plunge and called the LA/Barnardos.

I'll also see if we could borrow our friend's kids for a weekend or something. That'd be easier for DH as he works full time and so volunteering at a playgroup etc isn't possible.

Can a referee be a family member? My mum has seen us with kids and so would be able to comment etc. 

Thanks for the link Pauliboo - I just checked and we're too remote for anything to come up! Thank you ever so much though.

Thanks guys, you've helped us so much.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I believe one referee must be a family member, you can have a minimum of 3 references - we put 5 in total so they had some choice, they did only visit the three main ones though.  Although the other two wrote letters to our social worker as an extra.

We have similar problems with distances, my In-Laws live 4 hours away so we arranged for them to come up one weekend and have their face-to-face chat with our SW then.

Your SW will need to visit the 3 referees so do bare that in mind when picking them.


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

I have limited experience with young children , but so far it hasn't been an issue , we had DH Dad as a ref and two friends , one of which is a neighbour . My Dad hasn't been involved at all really neither has Dhs sister . Good luck xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

To show our support network you do this thing  called an ecomap it is basically a spider diagram showing the people you think will be involved in the child's life and will offer you support.  We talked through the people on there but it wasn't a Spanish inquisition.  We had some family and close friends but also neighbours we just say hi and have a chat with because if one of us had a heart attack or the house burnt down I am sure they would help us. It is as much about a crisis as long term family and friends.  Well ours was other people's may have been different.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

DIY Diva said:


> To show our support network you do this thing called an ecomap it is basically a spider diagram showing the people you think will be involved in the child's life and will offer you support.


This is a copy of our Ecomap which you can use for an idea of what is required in a support network:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/95962814/Ecomap_Complete_Full_Example.docx - names and places have been changed for confidentiality.


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Pauliboo - thank you so, SO much!   That explains everything really well, we could definitely fit our network into something like that. It's good that non physical support is ok too - I speak to my mum almost daily, and whilst she's ten hours away, she'll always be available for advice, a moan, or just general support.

DIY Diva you make a good point - whilst we may not be best friends with our neighbours etc, in an emergency (or even non emergency) they would certainly be able to help us. One neighbour has had several kids of her own, and now spends the summer looking after various grandchildren, so I know she'd be more than happy to offer support.

I found out this morning that the village school also has a nursery, so I am going to see if I can speak to them about doing some volunteering. It's interesting that they haven't been too bothered about child care experience, Smudgey, I hope they're the same with us! DH's job involves work with young people, and often school kids, just not young children, so hopefully if we can borrow our friend's kids he'll be able to tick all the boxes!

I can't begin to thank you all enough. I was thinking making contact with the agencies was weeks ahead of us, but after speaking to you all, I am going to ring them today to get some initial information. After years of fertility treatment stuff, this finally feels like the first positive step we've taken.

Thank you all again.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Tt it really is and congratulations on making that decision just think very soon you will be a family


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Great news let us know how you get on x x


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi all,

I telephoned five agencies in total (two LA's and three voluntary ones). Our own LA were as I had expected them to be - uninterested and unhelpful, the other LA (who say they cover our area too as we're on the edge of two LA's) were nice, two of the voluntary agencies don't cover us, but the third have just opened a branch near us and so do. The woman I spoke to was lovely - really helpful and friendly, and they have a prep course starting at the end of September, she said that all things going well if we decide to proceed etc, she'd hope to have us at the approval panel thing (I can't remember the proper name!) by early summer next year!

We're waiting for someone from their new office to call us back to give us information about the prep course, and we've got two information packs in the post from the LA's. When DH got home from work I explained everything I'd learnt and he agrees that the voluntary agency seems like the best bet at this stage, and that a prep course so soon would be ideal.

I am trying not to get too excited because I know it's still a long and hard road before we reach the end, but everything just feels right, in a way that treatment at the hospital never did. The idea that in a years time we could almost be a family is amazing. 

Thank you again, you've all really buoyed me up about everything.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Fantastic that is exactly how we felt a positive step forward and u are a step nearer to mummyhood.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Brilliant well done you the first contact is the hardest. Glad you found an agency that was really positive. x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Yay Twinkletoes (just thought- is it such a popular username there are 13 out there?!)  We may well be doing my prep course at the end of September too.  We are booked in on an initial basis with one VA and I am pretty sure we are going to go with them.  I am just wondering whether we should take our time and investigate the agencies more.  However, we have one where the social worker likes us and we like her, is happy to get cracking with prep and the forms etc. before we move (homestudy once we move) and is a BME specialist service (we are a mixed race couple).  So I am not sure what I am pausing for...such a big step, I guess.  I am half excited, half terrified!  So glad you found a nice VA too.  Maybe we can be buddies through the process?


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi guys,

Thank you DIY Diva and AAA, I was just a little bit excited last night! I am trying to keep a lid on things today... not very successfully! For the first time in years I looked at people with their babies and was excited, rather than trying not to see any babies.  

Barbados Girl - I don't know how many twinkletoes there are, but twinkletoes with no number was taken, and 13 is DH's lucky number! Before I called the agencies yesterday I had no idea how we would have picked one, but as it was one stood out (obviously that might change!) and is our favourite at this point. I had hoped that someone from their new branch would have called today, but I'll call them tomorrow so we can get booked onto their prep course.  I know how you feel about being half excited, half terrified - I've had a couple of moments today where I've thought 'can we really do this?!' but I guess (hope) that's all normal! I'd love to be buddies!


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Its normal promise. You will have lots of those oh heck moments we still do


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm about 6 weeks off panel and still have those moments.  Will I be a good Mum etc don't worry we question because we care x x


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## buddy01 (Jun 1, 2013)

Hi there

Can anyone tell me roughly how long the adoption process is please?  I am undertaking IVF at the moment but if this doesn't work out I will definitely consider it.  Thanks so much.

Janey


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Hi Janey

It really depends on a lot of factors. As in how quick your agency are, waiting times in your area. I waited 8 months to be allocated a social worker. I went to info evening in Jan 2012 and go to approval panel next month but as you can see from Diydana's timeline she is going to be nearly a year quicker than me.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Everyone is different.  info evening in the aug allocated sw in oct, prep in nov met sw dec completed hs in march should have gone to panel april delayed due to my hysterectomy approved in june sadly fil died so 3 months bereavement break match oct home in dec. So we had 5 month delay. Others on our prep course were alot quicker others took 6 months longer than us. But is it such a great journey with the most amazing rewards its worth it. Xx


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