# 45 and thinking of egg donation



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi there,

I am new to this site and not sure how to begin.  Just wanting to share my situation and see if there is any support/advice out there.

I started my journey at 43 and have had two short natural pregnancies ending up in miscarriage after just a few weeks.  Done two IVF cycles at Create without success.  Now facing a choice - do I do one more with my own eggs or go straight for egg donation?  If I go egg donation, need to decide if I go abroad or in UK (most with CARE).  My partner has two kids from his previous relationship and has tried to be supportive but, I think egg donation is a massive step for him but, I he thinks with my own eggs is throwing money down the drain.  The whole thing is really stressful, and all I know is I think I will regret never trying.  Its all a bit of a roller coaster of emotions and the clock just ticks faster!

Would love to hear from anyone with this sort of experience 

Thanks


----------



## ByTheRiver (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi Holidaygirl08,

I'm also new and thank you for helping me to make my first post - I'm afraid I won't be much help, but I wanted to reply as I'm in practically the same situation as you! I'm 44, been trying for 3 years and had an early miscarriage soon after we started trying. We've now had 2 rounds of unsuccessful IVF and have been advised by the clinic to consider egg donation as it's much more likely to be successful.

Unlike you, my husband hasn't got children. He's more sorted with the idea of DE than me, but I'm not sure I've got the energy to try again with my eggs knowing the (un)likelihood of success and how much it costs. We can really only afford one more round of treatment and I guess it's time to face up to the fact that, much as I want to be the exception to the norm, it's very unlikely 

It feels like there are so many decisions to make now, it's way more stressful than deciding to go for IVF! I guess it's one decision at a time, and for me the first decision is to do with telling and whether we want to give a child the option to contact the donor later on. I guess this will help make the abroad or UK decision....

Hope it helps to know that you are not alone


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi ladies   I was in a very similar situation. At 46 I had had two natural early miscarriages at around seven weeks, later found to be due to Antiphospholipid Syndrome. My AMH was practically not detected so was told that DE was my only option   As becoming a mother was more important than my genes I went with it. Reading up on epigenetics also helped. I went to Spain & was very fortunate to be successful first time but had no frosties. Due to our age & not wanting our LO to be alone, I managed to persuade my OH to go again   My fresh cycle failed in January but I am currently expecting thanks to our single frostie. Go with your hearts, I know I'm glad I did  
xx


----------



## MyreiE (May 5, 2014)

Hi Ladies, 

I am 45 and was totally set on having DE with Serum in Greece, but after speaking with Penny at the clinic she is convinced that we should try another OE cycle given my history. DP was less settled about using DE, but as it turns out Penny thinks that his sperm quality may have been the issue with the recent failed ICSI and FET cycles. So she has him on a  sperm improving protocol and will do another TESE next month hopefully. Then we will decide how to proceed. I am ok with DD cycle too, sperm and egg, but I am not sure DP will go for that. This world of infertility is fun, huh?

I agree with bundles..go with your heart and do what you feel it best for you. It is the only way to sleep at night. and how inspiring bundles. Congrats on your success!

-M


----------



## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hi MyreiE,


My heart goes out to you as I was at a very similar fork in the road  , and felt very heart broken to face the DE route, however by that time I had several -vs, the heartbreak out  weighted the feeling of not coming home with a baby so hubby and I took the plunge.

I have never looked back as once I was pg, and baby born the love was there in abundance.  The perfect joy, and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.  

It really is a journey and it is difficult to describe the experience, but being pg, and having our baby was just so joyful that it eclipsed the fact we had to use donor conception.  I was able to see  the whole experience as a gift instead of losing something.....again this journey takes time.  I went to Reprofit and it worked first time, so my whole focus was on the pregnancy. 

One nice thing is that the donor was young so the embryos were very healthy, and I knew when testing that all the risk factors that I would have faces with my OE were greatly reduced.

If you have the funding and the stomach for another potential negative, go for it and  have another OE  - then you will never truly look back, and may feel more grateful that DE is an option. If you feel that another -ve would leave you devastated and too financially vulnerable to move onto donor, then take some more time to mull it over.  In general I tend to trust the professionals, but only you know what feels right for you.

The whole donor issue really does melt into the background once you're pg,  people say she looks like, me  and has my characteristic . Those that know that I had donor tx forget not long after I've mentioned it as its just is not a big deal to them, or the medical professionals who are aware of my treatment.

What every you decided will be the right decision just trust yourself.   x x x 

Daisy


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi Ladies,

I am sorry I don't know how to reply to your messages separately!  Its soooo good to hear from you!!!  After reading Daisy's story it helps build the confidence I need to move forward and I hope this helps you too ByTheRiver as you sound just where I am emotionally.

Bundles,

Where did you go in Spain and how did you find it?  Create are recommending IVI in Madrid - I have some concerns in that they are all frozen eggs and although success rates are high - most are twins (I don't want that) and I am unsure about frozen eggs although they are all young donors which has its advantages.  I will certainly read up on epigenetics 

Daisy,

Thanks so much for giving us a view on what its like to go through it all - do you recommend Reprofit?  

MyreiE,

How are you finding Serum in Greece?  I have seen them mentioned on this site and thought it was a long way to travel but, wondered how you found it?


Thanks again ladies - who would believe writing a post on this site would give so much - I really appreciate you all taking the time to write to me  

holidaygirl


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi Holidaygirl   I went to Procreatec in Madrid. They are a small clinic but have the latest technology. It is just like a family clinic that genuinely seem to care. Their director Dr Jennifer Reyward is American & lovely plus they have English speaking co-ordinators too. Everything can be arranged by email, phone or Skype so it's not hard. For both fresh cycles we stayed in an apartment in Madrid & treated it like a holiday   it was so emotional taking our LO back there ! For my frostie I buzzed in on my own for just one night ! Went straight to the clinic by cab from the airport for the transfer & voila !! We have our own thread in the Spanish section here but am on mobile so too tricky to post it. Pop over & have a read !
  I can only echo what Daisy says about the joy of carrying & having a baby and I can't believe I am lucky enough to be doing it twice  
xx


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Thanks Bundles - I am actually getting excited now


----------



## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hello Ladies

I think there are several good clinics. I recommend Reprofit based on my positive experience with them. I thought the communication was very good prompt, and the medical staff very caring and professional.

Hoping all those taking the leap of faith land softly, after coming to terms with the change of plan.

Daisy x x


----------



## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

I've had cycles in both Spain and Serum and travel to Athen wasn't any more difficult  - especially with all the information available on here, especially Agate's faq. It's just a slightly longer flight  Serum are fantastic though and after 4 failed DE cycles in Spain, Penny and her team were the ones that made it work for us.

I can only echo what the other ladies have said about DE - that's your LO right from the start. Look at epigenetics and read some of the stories on here. People keep telling me that my DD looks like me now,  but I still think she looks like 'herself'.


----------



## jane66 (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

Hi bundles its lovely to hear your story. I am the same age as you and wondering wether I'm brave enough to try for a little brother or sister for my little one. Your story is encouraging, i feel like I'm the only 48 year old mother sometimes. 
We have three frosties, just waiting for me to make my mind up.

Anyone considering DE,  its a difficult decision, it depends on how much emotional energy you have. A DE transfer is about 50% success rate whatever your age (and improving all the time ) which means you still might need to go through all the heartache twice. Mostly the donor will have enough eggs for two transfers but not always. 
My baby dosent look like me but looks so like her daddy that we are both thrilled.

I had my treatment in Barcelona at Eugin. I can completely recommend them

good luck with your decisions and pregnancies xx


----------



## Dollyeden (Jun 14, 2013)

Hi Ladies.I have just discovered you all. I have had a de fet in spain and got my BFP last week, and I am 46...lol. Lovely to know that I am not alone. Xxx


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Ladies I truly love these Over 40 posts, it's what kept me going last time   There is inspiration to take from everyone  

Dollyeden congrats on your BFP  

Jane   as my OH keeps telling me, age is just a number   In my head I am in my mid 30's & tbh I do often lie about my age   but the scary thing is the big 5 0 !!  You go for it, and why not. If you're fit enough there's no reason you shouldn't. We just didn't want our LO to be alone, so that was our motivation.

Hugs to all  
xx


----------



## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Jane - you're not the only one! My DD was born 2 days after my 49th birthday, and is almost 9 months old now. We're currently planning to go back to Serum for our frosties. 

Bundles - I just let people assume what ever age they think I am


----------



## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Hi ladies,

Holidaygirl - I think I answered one of your post, was it u?
I am practically in the same situation - started this journey at 43(well almost44) and after numerous ovulation inductions, 5 failed Ivfs and turning 45 finally ready to admit defeat with oe. Initially I 'd thought I'd do 3 oe cycles. 

De is almost never first choice and a hard decision to make. 
I think if you could afford both financially and emotionally one more go with oe, then perhaps give it a try.  If money is enough for one/two more cycles,  then I'd go straight to de. I don't want to sound negative but even de do not guarantee a success and might take 2 and more attempts. 

Dolly - congratulations with your positive. 
Bundles - lovely to hear your story, you are so brave.

Good luck with decisions ladies.


----------



## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

We have just come back from our clinic appt following our second failed ivf due to my eggs  

1st cycle I didn't produce any at all and 2nd cycle got 6 but OH excellent sperm failed to break through, despite still being very active 24hrs later!!!

Despite my amh being ok for 41, our consultant feels that our oe chances are as low as 1% as opposed to de at over 40%

I have always been keen to give my eggs the best chance, but being realistic, if we want a baby then we have to go with de. We could keep going and going with mine but the financial and emotional implications are too much. Plus these docs do this for a living so I kind of get what he was saying. There is obviously a reason why such good sperm failed to penetrate my egg walls, there are obviously issues with my eggs  

Our other option is to try again with my eggs and icsi, but after this mornings appt I feel I am setting myself up for more disappointment as even if any fertilise, with potential egg quality issues will it result in bfn anyway?

OH not overly thrilled at the whole de concept, lots of reading and talking to be had. 
We are back in clinic in October so have lots of time to discuss.

Left to me I would have given the go ahead this morning.

IVF puts us all through the wringer, but for us ladies it is the physical side too. I am still sore from ec Monday and to top it off I've got a chest infection which I think must have been brewing and was made worse by the heavy sedation for the procedure, plus the stress of course.

Good luck with whatever decisions are made


----------



## jane66 (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

Bundles, Cooljules, Gosh there are loads of us nearly 50's mums. You are all so encouraging you make me feel its not such madness to have another one. I just wish I could bump into you all in the dr's waiting room instead of feeling twice the age of most of them.

Dollyeden congratulations ! , please let us know how things progress, I hope you are feeling very proud of yourself.

I 'm really sorry Spudlin that you are feeling sore and stressed. It sounds like you have made a decision but need time to let it sink in. I wish you a quick recovery and good luck with discussing things with your partner.

Those on you on your second baby how long did you leave it before starting treatment again ? I have just asked Eugin and they have said a year. Have any of you other thoughts? Our Darling is 5 months old and I am just beginning to feel back to normal ( I can touch my toes !!!) 

good luck Jane


----------



## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi Jane - my clinic advised 9-10 months after giving birth and to have stopped breastfeeding xx


----------



## Dollyeden (Jun 14, 2013)

OMG.....its Twins!


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Woohoo Dolly that's F A N T A S T I C news   I am thrilled for you  

Jane, just stick your nose in the air & ignore them. You have a wealth of knowledge to give & so much love it's scary. These women that can just churn out babies have no idea how lucky they are & often don't appreciate what they have. We waited til our LO was 17mths before trying again - took me that long to persuade him lol

My OH & I were discussing our ages just today. Assuming he lives to at least 75 & I to 79 our children would be 31 & 29. Not too young to become orphans ! And as he said "if you ain't taught them about life by then, you ain't doing it right !" His dad was 65. when he was born & died at 73 so has experienced it first hand & much older ! His mum had early onset Alzheimer's so was effectively orphaned as a teenager & became a partial carer. His dad left no will & his ex-wife (from 30yrs earlier !) got the lot - and there was a lot. !! We are building an empire for ours !! & hope to give them the gift of our education, time & love - and with the exception of love, none would have been so big were we younger !! Oooooh sorry to get so heavy   hormones & all that  

Huge hugs to all. Come on girls, we can do it  
xx


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hello ladies,

I have just caught up on all your posts - I am amazed by how strong you all are.

I went to stay with a really good friend last night who is single with no kids.  She does not know about my attempts with IVF and would disagree.  She really wanted children but, says now we are too old and it would be selfish.  

This morning I woke up feeling awful, thinking I was mad for even considering having a child at my age.  My boyfriend has yet to be persuaded about ED.  Tomorrow we have an appt at a UK clinic to discuss egg donation and have a first counselling session.  I must confess I am terrified!!!

However, reading this tonight gave me the strength to continue on the path and see what tomorrow brings. I have been investigating Serum and ProcreaTec and so far so good.

Anyway - wish me luck for tomorrow   and thanks for being there - this site is great!

HG


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

HG honey   remember head high. Can't fault ProcreaTec   were you talking to Anali ? She's lovely. 
Good luck for tmoro   take a list of questions with you, it's really hard to think when you're in there. 
xx


----------



## Lolagirl (Nov 13, 2013)

Hi holiday girl , I also wanted to respond to you, I'm 48 and just had twins via DE in Zlin in the Czech Republic ,  I never tried IVF with my own eggs , as I'd had 4 loses , been trying for 7 years and felt it was my only way to get a baby. Now they are here I couldn't love them any more if they were with my own eggs.  

I felt a little sad at first that they wouldn't have my genes, but I didn't want to regret not having a baby.

I can't fault Zlin they were amazing and what surprise me was how easy and stress free it all was ( apart from the wait to test of course) it worked first time of trying and we are so happy. 

As for age I've decided to let people think what they like about how old I am , I can say I had no negative responses yet from people who do know my age, even from the professionals , I had a terrible pregnancy and thought it would be blamed , but to be honest my problems could have happened at any age. 

I want to wish you luck 
This is a great site to get that support in what ever you decide to do


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi Ladies,

My appointment last week was really good and I felt more comfortable about the whole thing.  Sadly my boyfriend didn't and really hates the thought of ED and is rapidly going of the idea of having a family.  Has anyone else run into this?  I don't want to force him but, I think he is a bit overwhelmed with everything and feels two years of having life on hold is just too much only to face years of nappies, crying and constraints on his life.  He has two kids so I just think he has no idea how its feels to be me.  He is a great guy and has really tried hard to go with it but, I think he has reached his limit  

Is there a forum on here for men at all that may help?

Thanks
HG


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi HG 
Yay that your appt went well but poo to your OH's attitude  there is a men's room here, although its not madly busy with men - being the shy creatures that they are 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=89.0

I'm sure we have all had the donor 'chat' with our OHs as generally it is our drive to have children that is the strongest. However, having been in this situation many, many years ago with an ex who also had 2 kids, I ended up leaving him. He basically lied to me saying he wanted kids but then when we got custody of his, had been together six years & had bought a nice house he said that actually he didn't want any more. Within a week I had packed & left. I can't believe I wasted my fertile years on him now !!!
Now, I'm really not saying you should leave him but he needs to see how important this is to you. A donor egg is just one cell. With his sperm you produce an embryo that you grow & feed. Although not your genes, you tell it which traits to express (check out epigenetics ) and you will give birth to a baby that you will nurture and it will adopt your mannerisms & expressions. My little girl is a cheeky monkey & I couldn't love her any more than I do. She is scarily a mini me & my other half is besotted - which he openly admits now that he had no idea just how much he would love her !!! Men !!!

xx


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi Bundles,

What an idiot your previous partner was - lucky you found someone fab afterwards   I am pretty sure I could emotionally persuade him to go ahead but, I would hate myself for doing that.  We had quite a chat yesterday and I told him that.  I am away with work next week then off to visit my mum so after that we will have to come to a conclusion as all this not knowing is what is eating away at us both.  No idea what I will do if he says no - he is a lovely man and I wouldnt want to leave him plus I want a family not a baby.

Just one question - I approached PrcreaTec and was hoping to visit last week as I had to go to Madrid but, it was cancelled - did you have your first consultation by skpe and if yes how was it - would you recommend it?

Thanks again, HG


----------



## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi HG  
You're right, emotional blackmail would be wrong but it would also be wrong if he didn't understand how important it was to you. We had quite a few chats & I explained how becoming a mother was something that I felt was fundamental to being me. I'm really not sure I could have lived with the bitterness of not being allowed to have children. My OH (current   ) was never really bothered about children. We had been together for 6yrs before he consented to trying   The IF was just a harsh blow. And the second miscarriage really hit him. He loves our daughter so much & openly admits he had no idea how positive an experience it would be for him   quite honestly I could punch him for not agreeing to try sooner but what can you do  
You need to discuss it openly & completely. If he really adamantly does not want children then at least you will be able to make your decision. 

Re Procreatec, what a shame you could not get to see them. In actual fact, my very first contact with them was visiting the clinic the day before EC !! I dealt with Ruth Pellow, an infertility nurse who works with a number of clinics (sorry if I've mentioned this before but on mobile so tricky to check back). Everything was sorted by phone or email with her. For my second fresh cycle I dealt with Anali directly by email. When it failed I had a Skype review with Jennifer then sorted the FET by email. Tbh a Skype consult would be fine as long as you prepare a list of questions beforehand. 

xx


----------



## holidaygirl08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi bundles, a big thanks for your support - off for a few days for work now - will let you know how things progress -have a lovely week, HG


----------

