# Hello - Newbie looking for advice and encouragement.



## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hello ladies 

After lurking for several weeks I thought it was high time I signed up and joined you all - mostly because (I'm afraid) I have lots of questions to annoy you all with. 

I'm 41 and single and have always known I wanted to be a mum. However there's one thing missing - the sperm! 
As I turn 42 in 2008 I know that I just can't wait any more and hold out to meet the right guy. So I either have to accept that I won't be a mother or do something about it. 

I've had all my blood and hormone tests done and they were all spot on. 
I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that there is no sperm available in the Uk so my big question is where do I go? 

I hope this doesn't sound shallow but I still have huge reservations about using an anonymous donor. I don't know if I can bear to have a child and know nothing of the father - never heard his voice, never seen his face etc...and not knowing what he looked like. What if he's really ugly!

Also if I travel abroad for insemination will that work? Doesn't frequent flying interefere with your cycle? 

There are no male friends that I would consider asking. In my more insane moments I sometimes think of just getting drunk and having a one night stand at the right time of the month....i know I'd never do this but I do think about it. 

I have to say - I never, ever thought I would be in this boat.


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi Violet and welcome.

You've come to a great place for help and support 

I think most if not all of us on this thread dreamt of becoming a mummy within a happy loving relationship, but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out.

I personally don't have any problems about anonymous donor, I will probably wonder if they look like their father etc etc, but I don't think it will worry me at all. I didn't even consider a known donor - don't really know anyone that I would be comfortable asking - but would prefer the child to be mine and not have to decide about co-parenting or worry further down the line about wanting to be involved.
I didn't have any problems getting sperm, it may be worth checking with various clinics


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Thanks Roo 

My understanding was that there was a real shortage of donor sperm in the UK because of the change in law a couple of years ago. 

I also thought there were waiting lists as - correct me if I'm wrong - aren't existing donors only allowed to be used a certain number of times? 

I can see I need to do more research. I did visit one of the London clinics and just my a complete fluke I knew the doctor that I saw - she used to be my neighbour - and she told me a lot of 'off the record' stuff and she advised that I went outside the UK


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Violet,
Yes there is less sperm around than before the law changed, but i didn't have a problem, i know some of the others have had to wait. I heard somewhere something about 10 - not sure if this is children or only allowed to be used 10 times ??!!??

I paid for 10samples for IUI and am now coming to the end as they have to be used within 1 year, and I missed out on a few months due to a cyst, so am having to do some serious thinking about what to do next. I will start to pick peoples brains shortly about going abroad for IVF - more for cheaper price than anything else.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Violet and welcome 

The sperm problem does seem to vary from clinic to clinic. I think the difference is that some fertility clinics/centres have there own sperm banks. Its the question to ask each one you approach for sure - do they have a waiting list.
I might be wrong - but I don't think its as easy to import the sperm as it was - because the **** brought in some new regulations to bring it in line with out own. I think thats right anyway but I'm sure somebody else will know that answer for sure.

Its is odd - potentially having a child with the sperm of somebody you've never met. My first IUI felt quite extraordinary for that reason. Ultimatly though - there isn't very much you can do about that. Its just something to try and come to terms with. I also don't know anybody who could donate for me. Nothing you've said sounds at all shallow. These are important things to chat about. Brilliant news that all your tests were spot on. Very good news. We're all meeting up in January if you'd like to come with us

Roo - I might be coming abroad with you. Do you think the IVF there is cheaper than the 3 goes for the cost of 2 at the LWC?

Emma xxxx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Welcome Violet - glad you finally decided to post after lurking for a while  

You're quite right that this is a strange business, and we all have to find our own ways of becoming fully comfortable with it. I don't have any male friends (gay or otherwise) who could donate sperm, so I am going with an unknown donor. Whilst it does feel a bit strange (I haven't actually had an IUI yet - will be starting in the next few weeks...will prob feel even stranger then!) at the end of the day I want to be a mother and that is the most important thing to me now. I consciously try not to refer to the donor (or even think of him) as the 'father' - I find it helps me to think of him as the donor rather than the father. One day my potential children might have a father (I live in hope of not being single forever....) but that will be something quite different to the role of the donor. I don't know if I'm making too much sense, but just thinking about it in that way has helped me to feel more comfortable about the whole thing...

I'm at London Womens Clinic and they have no problems with availability of sperm. I believe there are waiting lists at some clinics, but waiting times vary, and it's well worth ringing round to check before you go abroad. Bridge Clinic (also in London) runs a program with a Danish clinic where you go to Copenhagen for insemination - I don't think the travel affects the results (but might be worth checking with them on their stats). Downside of overseas for me is that the donors remain anonymous, and I would prefer my child to be able to find out about the donor when they grow up. But again, there are pros and cons to everything and you just have to figure out what's right for you...

As Em says, check out the Single Girls meet up thread and come along on the 26th if you are around - plenty of opportunity then for us all to chat about the various options  

And meantime, good luck!
Laura
x


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Thanks very much for the warm welcome 

I will try and meet up with you all in January as it would be good to chat to people in the same situation. 

The Stork Clinic in Denmark has been mentioned to be and it's the one I am considering. I've spoken to them on the phone and they seemed lovely and they have no shortage of donors and (even allowing for flights) it would still be cheaper then getting treatment in London. 

I wouldn't import the sperm and attempt it myself as I'm a bit clumsy and would be certain to bugger it up  - I also have nightmare scenarios of being out when the delivery arrived and my neighbour signing for it!


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Violet,

Welcome - am pretty new to this site too - but must admit I've found it really useful!  Everyone is really friendly and supportive.
I've been looking into importing sperm from Denmark.  Not cheap!  That is through the european sperm bank.  The clinic I'm currently with have imported from Denmark, although there's a lot of red tape to go through, it can be done.  Not sure how long it takes though.  I know my consultant was going to wait until the sperm has arrived before deciding which procedure I go down, depending on the amount and quality of the sperm.  Made sense as it optimises the chances.  Still haven't 100% decided to import, but have got some info.

Good luck with your decision.  I hadn't really thought about looks of the donor until I spoke to my mum. She's obsessed with nose size!  Not sure why!  Bless her.

Take care

Rachel x


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Hi Violet & welcome.
I found this site to be a godsend when I stumbled across it!  Everyone's so helpful & welcoming.
I'm quite new so there are loads of ladies more knowledgeable than me but I'm also at London Womens Clinic & they have the biggest sperm bank in the Uk so no problems there.  I can completely identify with your thoughts re donor although i spent a lot of time worrying about it & trying to get my head around not knowing anything about the father.  I have to say that I am ok with it now - no choice really if this is the journey we have all chosen to take but it did feel weird at first!
Do try to come along on 26th for lunch in london - talking has to be so much easier than posting!
Take care
Dottie
x


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

Hi Violet. Just a quickie to say welcome. I'm really new here too. Joined a couple of days ago. I'll take a read of your posts and if I can be of any help, I'll drop by with some thoughts. 

It seems like we've found a really lovely community to join 

Zoopy


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Zoopy - are you coming to the meet?

Did I already ask that? Sorry if I did and I've already added you


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## Mazzzz (Mar 4, 2007)

Welcome Violet! Got lots of posts to catch up on but just wanted to say hi  

Maz x


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

Hi Emma. Thanks for asking me. Would love to know more about the meet up. Is it the 26th and where is it please? Maybe I could come along . 

Zoopy


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Yes the meet up is - JANUARY 26TH 2008.


Kettners (29 Romilly Street) in Soho for 12.30pm
I think someone posted somewhere which is the nearest Tube station.
Whereabouts are you coming from Zoopy?

Roo x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Violet, apologies for being late but welcome hun!  Wishing you  all the very best for your journey, hope your dreams come true xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi Violet welcome to the thread hope you can make the meet- have been off line for a bit as been away
L x


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

Hi Roo

I live in London, so it's easy for me. I've put the date in my diary. It will be lovely to meet everyone. Have you all met before?

Zoopy


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi,
No I've not met before - don't think the others have either with us being spread all over the country

welcome back JJ1  - we've missed you, hope you had a good time away.

Roo x


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

Gosh, just had to share. I feel very green admitting this - i can see that many of you have soo much more experience - but i've just realised what a massive difference there is in cost of treatment at different clinics. After swapping experiences and tips, do you end up just knowing which are the cheapest places, best value for money, and the best places?

I know the clinics all publish results tables, but is it commonly understood, for example, that a certain clinic is, say, brilliant, and another cheap? I've been to both the Lister and LWC, and i've just noticed that at the Lister its pretty much £4.5k for one round of IVF while LWC is doing three rounds for approx £6k for under 38s. That's a massive difference! Is the Lister really so much better? Why does anyone pay more?


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

I'm afraid I can't help as I just went to my GP and told him what i wanted to do as hadn't got a clue what to do or where to go and he referred me to a clinic.
I will start doing my homework though if I decide to go for IVF as my clinic only does IUI. The same cons will do it at the hosp though.


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

Thanks for the reply Roo. DO you mind me asking...did you get referred for treatment on the NHS?

Can you get treatment on the NHS if you're single?


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

No I'm afraid it's not on the NHS - don't think you can if you're single.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Zoopy - I compared Bridge, London Womens Clinic, Wessex (Southampton), IVF Hammersmith and Lister when I was researching all this - they all post price lists on the internet (and I even made myself an Excel spreadsheet for easy comparison!!)

Overall I'd say the prices for all the London ones were actually pretty similar. It's just that LWC has the special IVF package deal for those aged up to 39, and that makes their IVF a really good deal (assuming you need 3 goes of course - if you got pregnant on the first one you wouldn't get a refund and that would then work out very expensive for one go - although I don't suppose you'd care much if you'd got what you wanted from it..)

I also read through the reviews on here (check the clinic review thread) and read through some posts on the specific clinic threads too - pretty much all the clinics have a thread for people being treated there. From those you pick up quite a lot about the different clinics and their reputation etc.

I guess there are many reasons why people pay more. Some which spring to mind are: waiting times (for consultation and/or treatment), sperm availability, location (I would definitely have paid more to be able to be treated locally as that would have saved both hassle and travel costs to London but Wessex has long wait time and Woking won't treat single women), personal relationship with consultant/gut feeling on visiting a place etc etc. 

Having spent quite some time doing the cost comparisons, and ending up seeing that the differences (with the exception of the LWC package deal) were quite small, I ultimately went with LWC because they had no wait time for initial consultation and no problems at all with sperm availability - which is what really sealed it for me because I didn't want to wait months for sperm. 

Hope this helps. Look forward to meeting you on the 26th (I haven't met anyone yet either - I think one or two of the longer standing FF members and/or the London girls have met before though...)

Laura


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Zoopy - although you can't get fertility treatment on the NHS you may be able to get fertility investigations done (although you may have to wait longer for them).

When I started this journey I went to my GP and asked him to refer me to the clinic I had chosen (which is part of an NHS hospital) - I chose this clinic despite the fact that they had a waiting list for sperm, because they had good results and were cheap - plus the clinic director was great, giving me lengthy  answers to my initial email queries.  

The GP did the referral and I initially had consultations with the Gynae dept (on the NHS) where I had FSH and progesterone tested and had my HSG (which I believe costs several hundred pounds privately).  Once they had the results and were happy that I was 'suitable'(!) for fertility treatment, they referred me through to the Fertility Unit which is when I joined the waiting list for a donor and became a private patient.

All this took quite a bit of time, but for me this was what I needed.  It gave me time to do lots of reading, think everything through and be sure that this was the route I wanted to go down and gave me time to put some savings together ready for treatment.

Some1

xx


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Thats interesting Some1, I rang local NHS clinic and they said to ask my GP to refer for initial consultation on NHS .... I am hoping to find out about my suitability and options open to me before deciding which route to take.  Hopefully I won't have to wait too long for appt.


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## Zoopy (Dec 27, 2007)

OO, really? That is interesting. Didn't know there were any NHS options for single girls. Let us know what happens .

Zoop


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

When considering prices you also have to bear in mind not all clinics will treat single women either so you are limited - about half  the clinics in London won't eg: UCH, chelsea and Westminster, and some of the others I rang initially,  they don't have to treat us and also if you need sperm many don't have theit own banks so no supply - LWC and the Bridge do have sperm, I'm not sure what the Lister sperm supply is like nowadays although they treat single women.  Barts also treat single women as I had a friend who went there but it was in the times when she could import sperm from the USA without restrictions as they only had a small donor bank to offer her.

Look for hidden costs, like drugs and can you buy them elsewhere- I would have paid 4860 pounds at the Bridge for Gonal F if I hadn't taken my script to Pharmasure and ADS (on the where to get cheap drugs thread on IVF), the Bridge also only include a set amount of bloods- 4 I think but they don't monitor that closely and i paid extra for more, you also were charged for GA- but they also sent a taxi to collect you and take you home if in London after EC's or got your a parking permit for your escort!

My current clinic also charges extra for drugs, once or twice daily bloods when stimming, each scan, anaethetics for EC, and drugs that you cannot get elsewhere as they are prescribed daily and this pushes the price up considerably so most stimming days you end paying 400 pounds plus each day on top of the IVF/ICSI price, but I don't need sperm.

It is such a minefield and once you are in treatment you have no options really
L x


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