# Meeting birth parents



## TWoo (Jan 22, 2014)

Hello everyone, 
Just wanted a yes or no really not any details as such, we are over half way through the adoption workshop and covered maintaining links and that it's common now for adoptive parents to meet birth parents once matched in a controlled enviroment, we were told it happens in most adoption cases I just wanted to ask people that have adopted if this is actually as common as we are being told or are they just preparing us on a worse case scenario? 
Thank you xx


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## Theretofour (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes we did and so please I can tell my son I did


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I think the "option or opportunity" exists in most cases unless there are serious safety concerns. In reality a lot of BPs just don't turn up or agree to dates. Ours never happened for those reasons.

BPs are often living in chaotic environments and keeping to appointments or the emotion the meeting would cause is just too much for them. You might be best to post a poll on the parenting section of the board and may get a decent response rate.

Good luck x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

We are def a no for 2 reasons 1) they wouldn't turn up as they never attended one single contact session 2) safety - our little man had to be placed over a certain distance away so they wouldn't risk identification of us.


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## Greeniebop is a mummy (Jan 17, 2010)

BP didn't turn up but maternal grandfather did!


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We met bm and her dad. Was scarey but so glad we did as we were able to see first hand why what had happened had happened and means we will be able to talk to Bubba about bm in a very positive way. 

Good luck


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i would say its pretty common but as others have said doesnt always go ahead..we were geared up twice to meet BM but she couldnt go through with it. we did meet BD and maternal granny (who was the next best thing to BM) definitely a great thing to do if it offered to you..I know who I am writing letters to, and i got the opportunty to ask things that I probably wouldnt have known about otherwise..


kj x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I wouldn't have said it's a worst case scenario, surely it's one of the better things you can do for your child.

We have been open to meeting BM all the way through this, but we still haven't had a response as to whether she wants to do it or not.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Definitely not a worse case scenario  - it always sounds awful but usually turns out to be really positive and helpful for child in the long run.  We met with a member of birth family and it was good for everyone.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

I agree with Paul, its not really worse case scenario. Its not designed to be a test or a punishment.

I'd like to meet master c's BM. Well, 'like' is probably the wrong word, but I want to do it, for his benefit.

She was up for it a few months ago, but things aren't great in her life right now, so its starting to look less and less likely it will happen. His SW just can't get hers to pin her down to commiting to anything.


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## scoobydooby (Nov 5, 2013)

We weren't allowed to meet bm as she is considered too volatile, bf wanted children to be adopted but that's far as it goes. I'm sad about this as when our children are older I would like to have been able to say we had met them but both children were straight into foster care from birth and neither bp's kept up with the contact arrangements which is all documented. I just don't want our children to feel that their parents abandoned them, social services deemed bp's unsuitable to parent and they went on to conceive again in the hope of being allowed to keep one eventually. I actually feel sorry for them!


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## Bellabella8 (Dec 12, 2013)

It would only go ahead if safe to do so. Also depending on the history I think it would be nice for the bp to put accross their views. I would say that if you are offered then take advantage of the opportunity. It will give you an excellent insight into your little ones life experiences and may come in very useful in the future.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

We are planned to meet bm the day before introductions start but we aren't meeting bf as SW's are unable / unwilling to support this due to his character.  I think it's a good thing for our daughters so we're doing it.  However make sure you are as comfortable as possible.  Our placement is long distance and the initial plan was that our sw didn't come.  Our sw asked me my feelings about that and I said I wasn't really happy doing it without her. Our sw said she thought I'd feel that way and has changed plans so she is there.  Also for me having it done before introductions start is what I'm most comfortable with it's done and over.  However others prefer to do it once their children have been home a while so they have more to talk about.  

What I'm trying to say is Yes it's generally done unless there are serious safety concerns.  However make sure you aren't bullied into circumstances where you are really unhappy.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

We met birth parents and I felt the meeting was very positive. I wanted to do this for my daughter, to ask the questions the social workers didn't have the answers to. To get a feel for them as people and talk to my daughter about them and she grows. However sadly some of what's been said in the meeting birth mother has twisted as is attempting to contest our adoption order. While the rational part of me can see why, I'm left incredibly angry and hurt at this. So do it if you get the chance, for your child or children. But be aware of such implications xxx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We weren't allowed to meet birth parents as bm was deemed too volatile and unpredictable. Bf wasn't avaliable and even if f he was it wouldn't have been allowed for the same reasons as bm.
If I'm honest I don't feel we've missed out. We've obviously read the history of bp and it is quite clear there circumstances are there own doing especially bf. He actually admitted this to sw.

You can't be forced to meet them but each situation is unique and there are so many factors involved. Our children have older siblings in another adoptive placement. Those adopters were not allowed to meet bp either and have told us they wouldn't have done anyway.


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Hi

Really glad you posted this!!  My O/H is very recognisable so it is a concern of mine that they would remember him more and now we are having to keep fairly local with our links then might bump into them?  Am I being paranoid or is this likely?


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We were told it would be highly unlikely that birth parents would remember us as the stress of the situation on them is enormous. Could hubby just not shave for a few days? I remember what bm looked like mainly due to very noticeable tattoos. I can not remember what maternal grandfather looked like at all.


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Wish it was something simple like a shave but its everything - one of the many reasons I fell in love with him as he is so different.  It's his whole appearance and his voice.  Me on the otherhand... I blend!!!


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I would be surprised if you were allowed to meet BPs if you lived very closeby.

We live in the next town to BM, and the SWs have said it's fine for us to meet her (if she wishes to) as she has no connections to our town and nor do we go to hers at all either.


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

I think it's a valuable thing to do, it was nice my mum and dad could tell me about my birth parents.
But as a same sex couple we have been advised that due to our jobs etc that only one of us should go and use false names to make it not so easy for us to be traced. If you google both of our first names then there are pages and pages of stuff with our town we live in.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

We planned to meet them twice but they didn't show. It's really common to meet BPs. In truth we weren't looking forward to it at all but did go because it's about our children, not us, and the opportunity to tell them we had met their BPs. The fact that twice they failed to attend was their choice, we know we did what we should / could.


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