# Positive stories of moving on?



## Guest

Anyone out there have positive experiences of moving on to live child free?

Me and dh are up to our eyes with all the unsuccessful tx we have done and don't feel we can take any more. We are thinking of putting it all down to experience and moving on. Of course the pain will never go away completely but there's only so much disappointment you can take before it does your head (and body) in. 

I guess that most people who have moved on will be busy living their lives to the max - and won't be reading this post!!! But if you are, I'd love to hear from you. 

love chick x


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## Marj

Hi Chick

You must have read my mind ! I was wondering why members stop posting after they have made the decision to "move on". I do understand in a way, as I have started to feel a bit distanced from the rest of my FF's who are still going through tx etc.

DH and I made the decision to stop tx in early Feb, so it is all still pretty raw. I still have days when I ask myself if we have done the right thing, and on these wobbly days it can be really hard to log in the site and read the messages, as I end up tying myself in mental knots about whether it might actually have worked for us eventually. I think the word which best describes how we feel at present is "lost". We wonder what we should be doing now, and how we should be living our lives. In the short term, we are planning lots of lovely holidays , and I have set myself some small but achievable goals e.g. losing some weight, participating in the Race For Life and running a personal best etc. These are small things but they are things which are within my control, unlike the 10 yrs of unsuccessful ttc. 

Thanks for starting this thread, and good luck with whatever decision you make. I'd love to chat, and already your post has helped me as I am having a serious wobble today (if we had not decided to cancel the last cycle, I'd be half way through it by now. )

Lots of love and luck,

Marj
xxx


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## Laine

Chick,

We are currently having a course of Clomid and if that proves unsuccessful, we won't be in a position to have further tx. It will be very painful I am sure as it is a decision that is not taken lightly. Whatever you decide to do I am sure it will in time work out for you both. Post again and let us know what you decide.

Marj,

I really respect you both for having made such a hard but courageous decision in February. Like you say it is still raw but after ten years of ttc which is outside your control, to take some control over your life must feel good in a small way. Like you, I don't know why people don't post once they have reached the decision to move on. I am glad you posted and hope you continue to do so.

Laine x


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## Littlest

Hi Guys

I'm interested too - even though I've just started a short protocol.

Tried to stop all this fertility business last year but just couldn't. I know I'll probably need to face it again if this short protocol doesn't work out - and I'll know pretty soon in about 4 weeks time 

so thanks for opening this thread as I haven't a clue how I'll fill my life going forward - can't imagine being a mum and can't imagine not being one either

Littlest

xx


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## Guest

Hi again girls

I'm glad to hear you all. 

Marj, my heart goes out to you   With your 10 years of trying, there is no doubt that it's going to take some time to learn to live in a different way. We have had 8 years of tx and I now realise how much it has taken over our lives. I too am doing Race for Life, I agree it's these small goals that help us to work towards a future ... it's so so hard though. I don't suppose we'll ever know if we've done the right thing by leaving it behind, but I do know that I am coming to the end of being able to cope with constant . I am glad I helped your wobble. Maybe we can wobble together?

Laine, 
Hi there, Laine, and best of luck with your clomid course  Sending lots of good luck vibes your way!

Hi Littlest,
Tons of luck to you too for your short protocol  . I too tried to 'give it up' a few times before and wasn't ready to. 

All I know is that there must be lots of 'survivors' out there who have been through tx and come out the other side. I'd just like to know how they've done it!

With love to you all, bye for now, but I'll be back here again! Love chick x


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## LucyEgg

Hi girls

I haven't been around on this site much since our last negative at the end of October 2003, which was our last attempt at IVF. As Marj says, I have felt distanced from the other ffs as they continue with treatment and have looked for support elsewhere. I do however pop back occasionally to see how old cycle buddies are doing, and am happy when it works out for them.

It is now just over 6 months since our decision to stop treatment (I NEVER say give up because it doesn't imply it was a positive choice) and we are surviving. In the first few months following the decision we filled our life with short term 'goals' and things that made us feel good, eg, holiday, new (irresponsible) car etc, losing weight, race for life - there's a theme here girls isn't there? We have both tried to set goals of various types to get us through the months, and it seems to work. I'm not saying it's not hard, because it is. But most of the time I just about manage to live 'in denial' and package up the emotion and pain until something comes along to remind me that it's all still there.

I have read several self help books, and attended a More To Life meeting, all of which help me to feel less alone and isolated. Not once have we yet wobbled on the decision though - we just have good and bad days regarding dealing with that decision if that makes sense. The good days do outnumber the bad, so take heart.

I am by no means out the other side yet, as I don't think anyone truly ever comes out the other side, you just learn to survive, and each of us does that differently.

Good luck to those who have also made the decision to stop treatment and are attempting to live life childfree. Be strong, and don't punish yourselves for the wobbles, you're only human

Love
Lucy
xxx


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## Juel

Hi ladies....
......hu-hum,we've made the decision to move on & i'm still here posting    

I can only "ditto" Lucy (wise words buddy ).... most of the time i'm fine & feel like a weight as been lifted from us but i do still get downers,the other day for example i was on a carpark & saw a car sticker which said "The best thing in life is being a Grandparent"....Well i was having a good day but my God did it pull on my heartstrings,i was in floods but i've accepted that i'll always have these times when sadness washes over me but i still don't regret stepping off the rollercoaster of tx. 

I guess i'm really lucky that i'm in a position where a miracle could still happen... a *loody big one it would be if it happened  but it still could happen so i guess that helps me through but i can honestly say that we don't count days anymore,i never thought that i'd be able to live each month without ttc on my fertile days but i don't know what day i'm on anymore & after years of living counting days that alone is a huge weight lifted.

When ladies used to say to me "you'll know when you've had enough" i used to think that they couldn't have wanted a baby as desperately as i did,i thought i'd never be able give up until it was humanly impossible to get pregnant but i have & i'm coping ok with it.

We have booked holidays well in advance  started refitting our house for a couple instead of holding back on buying "child unfriendly" objects such as glass tables etc & we are going out much more & yes we are enjoying ourselves ..........i'm not doing the race for life though ..feel like the gooseberry in here 

Please ladies don't pressure yourselves just do what feels right at the time,if you're not sure on whether to do more tx or not take time out if age is on your side that is,if i was younger i'd have done that but time is very much against me sadly so the decision was taken out of my hands really unless i go down the DE route but if you do decide to move on there are no hard&fast rules you can always go back on your decision if you change your mind......that's how i think & it lessens the pressure immensley.

Good luck on whatever you decide but please remember i'm never far away(i pop online most days to check up on everyone ) so if you fancy a chat just post or IM me & i'll catch up with you pretty soon 

Take care everyone
luv&ugs
juel xxxxx


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## Suzie

hi ladies

This thread really struck a cord with me especially today as my wonderful dh and i had a big heart to heart today and boy did we need it
Previously when i had spoken to him about not having any more treatment when i have had enough he said that he definately didnt want to think about adoption and was happy if it was just us two . So i didnt bring the situation up anymore as i respected his decision.
However today i told him that i dont think i can face living child free but i did respect his decision, he then to my most stunned face i have ever had, said well i have been thinking about what you said about adoption and i would be happy to consider it knowing what it would mean to me. Boy do i really love me dh, bless him
So just to say im not done with tx quite yet but i can see what you are saying juel, that i too previously felt that how can people ever consider giving up but i like you do, feel to be able to say enough is enough is a very tough decision to make and admire people when they make the decision.
Sorry to have rambled on but wanted to say i admire you all for being brave enough to come to that point
take care ladies
love
suzie aka olive


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## Guest

Hi Suzie aka Olive

I'm really chuffed for you that your dh is now open to the idea of adoption, sometimes I think it just takes time out to work out what we want... my dh was the same, didn't want to consider adoption but then there comes a point when you realise that it might be the only option and it sort of becomes more attractive! However we've decided, for now, that it's not for us.

Me and dh are still pursuing a child free life at the moment following our last (8th or 9th - I've lost count) failed ivf in December. We're doing ok. Whether we ever come round to a different route to having a family I don't know but for now, we both know we can't take any more tx. We are looking forward and focusing on all the things we can do without children and trying to push ahead some of our plans. The main thing is that we still have each other, and we're both very grateful for that!

Bye for now and good luck with everything,
love chick xxxxxxxxxx


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## karen j

To everyone on this page, two years ago I found out that Id gone through the menapause (aged 30!!!) I was gutted, Id just married the man of my dreams and we were ready to start a family (well, enjoy trying for a while!!!) this news couldnt have come at a worst time in my life. We were offered a refferal almost straight away, I know we were lucky, but I couldnt go through with it. I found the site almost by accident, I couldnt help but read the stories of everyone and how brave youd all been, it makes me sound such a coward, Id been worried all the time about the pain and dissappointment we'd go through and if I could cope with it. I feel like I've given up before I'd started, I would love to have my own baby, but with egg donation it wouldnt be mine! PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING A COWARD AND GIVING UP, GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE


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## Guest

Karen J

Good to have you here at FF. 

You aren't a coward Karen, you have faced such a lot and my heart goes out to you. It must have been devastating for you to go through the menopause so young.

As for deciding whether or not to do tx, we all make different decisions for different reasons. 

Sometimes it feels like giving up, other times it feels like the right thing to do. In this life all we can do is decide what feels right for us.

Take care of yourself honey and don't be so hard on yourself,

Love chick xxxx


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## sas jane v

Hi to everyone posting on here and its good to read your news - it does help me as I come nearer to stopping tx
Karen - I think you are very brave to make such a decision that suits both you and dh - please do not feel you are a coward and I wish you and dh a long and happy life together

I have recently had news about dhs health which is going to mean some changes for us and has made me realise how important a loving partner is and many people do not have that - trying to count my blessings

Chick - nice to hear from you again - you do sound a lot happier in your posts now and may be joining you soon in the childfree zone 
p.s.Im doing race for life too -my mum had breast cancer 18 months ago so we have fingers crossed still

big hugs to you all girls

sarah xxx


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## astrid

hi karen 
All i want to say i your are not a coward but a very brave person. My hear goes out to you, what a special and strong person that you are....and you do not even realise it..
All the best..
with love astridxx
p.s to all the girls on this thread thankyou for giving me some hope for my future.....


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## cindyp

Hi Karen

I want to agree with Astrid, you are not a coward, going through the menopause so early must have been dreadful. Like you what I always wanted is my own baby, something that was a little bit of me and a little bit of my DH, DI has never appealed. If your dream cannot come true the way you would like there is no reason why you should feel forced to follow another path. You should do what feels right for the both of you.

Chick, it's nice to hear that you're still around and being able to move forward. 

Giving up and going for adoption wasn't an easy choice for us. I had such a bad m/c and gave my DH such a scare that it forced us to re-evaluate our future. Although we both feel like we're 28 we are 41 and we can't put our lives on hold forever (it's been on hold for the last 8 years of ttc). When the last FET failed we had to decide whether we could live child free or not, unfortunately we couldn't wait for too long as it would harm our chances of adopting a younger child. It's been a close call (espcially when we're sitting in the pub or having our Sunday morning "lie-in" ) but for us adoption was now or never. However I do sometimes have second thoughts as I realise I will be giving up all my future independence and there's a lot you can do without kids.

I'm a great believer that everybody must do what is right for them. In the meantime we have booked a weekend in Rome and I plan to get lots of other non child friendly activities in between now and going to Adoption Panel.

I wish everyone a happy life in whatever form that takes.

love
Cindy


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## Fee

This is an inspired thread. Age is playing its own hand in our decision to decide when to stop treatment. We have one frostie left, and after that we think it would be too outrageous to spend ever more stacks of money going through a painful, and mostly fruitless option of IVF. I think you are all really brave in facing up to life and chosing to live it as best as you can given the s**t hand that we've been dealt.

This is just an anecdote that has always helped me to reflect on.

I used to work for a lady who'd been married many years, and the way she talked about her and her husband's childlessness you could tell it had always been a great sadness in her life. Not only did she go through the years of watching others have children, but then, in the years I worked with her, she had to watch others have grandchildren, and she found this equally painful. 
Then she and her husband moved to a new area and a new church. There they were "adopted" by a couple who had no nearby family when they had their first baby. Now this couple have two children, and my friend has the joy of adopted grandchildren. YOu can tell they are the centre of her world, and it is so lovely that she has this joy at last.

This has always been wonderful to me, because it has been so healing for her, and it is such a lovely story about courage, like you all have in setting out on that journey, about unexpected rewards xx

Fee xxxx


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## sas jane v

Thanks for that Fee and I know I get a lot of joy from my Godchildren

I have been thinking of helping out in the local nursery/primary school as a couple of my friends are a teacher and nursery nurse and altho I have a couple of txs left things are feeling generally less raw and I know I want some more contact with children in my life

I dont know if anybody else would like to do this my impression is that help is neede out there 

sarah xx


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## astrid

hi all
Firstly i am so sorry that life has dealt such a hard blow to everyone on this thread. It really makes me feel so sad and to be honest i always believed in 'hope'. I feel that hope is starting to fade away and the realisation of having my own child is looking pretty slim. It is a difficult one to swallow and none the less something that all of us are having to face. To me its like a bereavement of not being a mother, grandmother and then we are forced to make a life that we never envisioned in the first place.
Reading through your replies has atleast given me some inspiration and i was so touched Fee by your adoption story. This will be my last tx and then we will look at adoption. I agree with Cindy it is a scary thought as life can be difficult when you go down this route. On the other hand from what Fee had written about her friends they are getting so much joy from it all that there is hope somewhere along the line. This has given me the boost i needed and will help me get through this crappy time in my life...
thanks alot...
love astridxx


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## Littlest

Hi All

Well I haven't really been able to post much since my bfn middle of April. Since then my sil has fallen pg again and it broke my heart.

We know we will not be going the donor or adoption route and I know dh would prefer if it were just us two going forward.

I was hoping that I would be able to spend lots of time with my dn but there seems to be communication break down with my sil as she does not really regard dh & me as anywhere near a priority in her life yet she knows that we would really like to be a part in her childrens life.

Sorry that this is a whiny note but it's the first time I've felt able to post for a long time.

It seems that unless I push really really hard, I won't be having any more treatments.

So this thread is so good to read.

thank you all

Littlest xxxx


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## Marj

Hi Girls !

When I posted on here two months ago, I did hope that I would feel able to come back to this thread in due course with some positive stories of moving on.

All of your messages have certainly helped me tremendously. I don't feel so alone with our decision,although of course, wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. However your wise words brought me a great deal of comfort on my wobbly days.

Life does look brighter now . Leaving treatment behind has freed us from 10 years of not knowing when or if dh and I would become a family of 3, and we are starting to focus on all of the good things in our life rather than concentrating on the one thing that was missing. I only realise now that ttc for so long cast a shadow over virtually every other area of our lives for a very long time.

Thanks to everyone who has posted here and good luck to you all. I hope we can all continue to keep in touch.

Lots of Love, 

Marj
xxx

p.s. Race for Life ladies- have you run yet ? How did you get on ? I finished in 40 mins 29secs....not exactly Paula Radcliffe, but the Edinburgh course is exceptionally hilly


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## Boomerang girl

hello,
although we have decided to adopt- I could not consider child free- children are my life- we have stopped tx which was actually easier than expected as it was taking such a physical and emotional toll on us.
I do know of another couple who after stopping tx- many IVf cycles- have bought themselves a sailing boat! good for them!
I do find my work theraputic- I work with kids with the most severe learning difficulties and usually physical difficulties too. I get lots of hugs and have 8 kids in my class all of whom i am very attached to- much more than you can be in a mainstream school. I even get to "borrow" them in the holidays sometimes to give parents a break. My god daughter who is two brings me mothers day cards and presents and we are soon to start babysitting her- until now it has only been her grandparents- so I don't feel I am missing out on children, but my home life just feels empty and pointless- everything we have done to this point has been to set ourselves up to be a family. no amount of golf or holidays will give me that sense of purpose.
I dread the day adoption doesn't work or we have to go back to tx and that doesn't work.
I think you ladies have so much strength. Love to all of you
kylie


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## astrid

hi kylie
I think that your posting has been very positive reading and i think you are a special person to look at the positive things in your life. I wish that i had a bit of your insight.
You mentioned one thing that i can certainly relate to and that is your home life is empty. I feel totally the same way and like you say no holidays etc can make up for the wanting of your own child.
I am going down the adoption route too, after one more tx. I worry about not being accepted, but hopefully there will be some light at the end of the tunnel and we will both have a child someday..
You sound a lovely person and i wish you all the best in your future with the adoption. 
Take care astridxxxx


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## everhopeful

Hello ladies

I've just read your thread and saw it hasnt been added to for a while, so I felt inspired to tell my story.
We are not living child free, but are adopting (hopefully). I have never wanted a career, only to be a mum. My dh and myself have talked about starting our family for all the years we've been together (12 now). When we found out that he is azoospermic (if that's right?!!), we felt like our life had ended. We were completely shattered by the news. Slowly and surely we realised there may be an option. So for months apon months we endured procedures, tests, more tests, having to tell our families, waiting for those faces from people who dont know how to react, and all they show is pity. Worrying sick that people would judge and point the finger at dh. Ready to defend him to everyone and feeling so helpless to his guilt and sadness.
We felt complete and utter love for our miracle embryos created this time last year. I hadnt realised how strong that feeling is. Sadly that attempt and the 2nd attempt failed. To this day I always think with fondness of "our" miracles - that we created between us. That will always remain special. 
We were told that not only was dh infertile, but it was hardly likely that I would ever conceive naturally or otherwise. This was gutting, it meant the end of the road. But what a relief, now dh and myself are complete equals.
We have grieved, and I suppose its natural to have the odd bad day, and to always wonder, what if?
But now we are on the road to becoming a mummy and daddy - something we never dared believe possible.
We feel excited and positive towards the future.

There is always a way round it, and Id like to thank the lady (I forget her name) who told me "think of what's more important - being pregnant, or having a family?" - that suddenly brought everything into perspective for me.

Good luck to everyone who is moving on - its a great feeling!!


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## Sham69

hello to everyone out there

I am new to this just registered this morning, I have tried to move on we have been trying for 11 years unexplained infertility we had two attempts at IVF left it for 5 years tried again this year positive result & then miscarried, we are trying again next year waiting list for aneuplodiy screening, how do you move on surrounded by family & friends who have all had children, I registered this morning in order to reply as some of your stories have been uplifting as we all know how desperate we get and how lonely all this business is.  

I am 35 and still live in hope


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## maplelodgeanie

Hi Ladies,

dh & I have been ttc for 4 years now. 2 cancelled cycles of ICSI and 2 failed. Now we are fighting to get a last ditch attempt at IUI, but with dy having borderline results, and my ovarian reserve in decline, they keep saying IVF is the way forward. It's easy for them to say, but the IUI would be paid for by the NHS and I'm just not prepared to get into more debt for something with such a low success rate.

We have milled over the adoption/fostering thing, but sadly something has happened recently which may mean that option is taken away from us. Don't really feel like going into it right now, but having that choice taken away from us (potentially) is very stressful and painful. I don't even know if we would choose to go that way, but it should be our choice.

At the minute, preparing for my stepsons arrival in Dec from Aus for 6 weeks. I wish we could keep him with us. At 10 he is a great (though challenging sometimes) kid. I know dh could love an adopted child, I'm just not sure if I have become too selfish to adopt. At least I love my stepson for being part of DH. Does that make sense?

Anyway...ramblings over but thanks for this thread, it's good to read. No doubt I'll be back over time as we try to decide what/if to do next.

Andrea


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