# Placement of 17 Month Old - Experiences?



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Good morning everyone!

I wonder if anyone has experiences of intros / placement with 17 month old to share? 

Gertie I think I read that your LO was this age on placement? What did you find worked well in terms of intros and then moving in? 

I have read that this age is an interesting one attachment wise and wonder if you have any thoughts to share about what your experience was with a little one of this age?

Exciting times as I meet my daughter in a weeks' time x


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey honey,

Our experience was extremely tough so I don't want to tell all (in case it scares you off beforehand) as it were as reading these boards I think we were a minority. I would say ours were always expected to be tough as lil man had issues.

We went at Los pace, worked very closely with FC and listened to them as they knew LO best. We had a long intro plan which was thought best but actually in hindsight could have been shortened to 10 days as the intensity increased so did LOs stress and anxiety. Everyone in our case thought we all handled as best expected given what we knew.

Best advice, get plenty of rest & sleep. We did one small family gathering mid intros and one night thing as we'd committed and I regretted them later on. Bearing in mind I was used to long intense dats with work so treated the same it's not. Don't worry about anything you don't have as unless it's major it won't make a huge difference and you can ask someone from your support to pick up for (a nice way to involve them if your keeping to lockdown).

Be prepared for behaviours to appear that haven't been seen by FC as our FC said this happens a lot, CPRs etc tell you about the child at the time and if they've been at FC from birth/ few weeks then they are fairly settled by time of CPR being written. If your FC is experienced (with older ones rather than just babies) they'll tell you a few scenarios they've had as they really do see it all from kids grieving etc.

Trust your own judgement - if it feels wrong say so (esp SWs/HVs etc) but sometimes you have to just hide your time to fix/change something. And I would only change if it was dangerous to LO or gut was telling me to do so as you are trying to keep everything the same. Slight contradiction I know but you'll know what it us if you see/feel it.

Enjoy it and relax as you've got the rest of your lives to build attachment & get to know each other - it's not transferred in a fortnight but the building blocks start here.

Oh and you may have doubts - they're normal but SSs chose YOU to be mummy for LIFE so even if your taking LO away from everything they know, YOU were deemed to have the best family for also long term.

Good luck & feel free to PM if you have worries/concerns after intros start. And enjoy meeting your daughter x
X


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

How exciting!  The best advice I think is to keep an open mind, don't expect too much too soon and get rest when you can.  It is a very surreal time being in a strangers house and 'taking over' the care of a child.  A good FC will help you and encourage LO to transfer to you for care.  Have you been speaking to FC in the run up to panel and now intros?  If not, its a good way of getting to know each other a bit and making it less awkward at the start of intros.  You will also get an idea of how they might be during intros.  With our 14 month old we knew we were in for a difficult time as FC didn't want to let her go but it was far worse than anyone expected.  Keep in touch with your SW, each day at least by email detailing any issues if you have them.

If LO has been with them since birth there should be a really strong attachment, which is good but will take time to transfer.  Go at the child's pace and try not to take anything to heart, LO will be confused and, as I expect you have read, this is an age where separation anxiety is hightened.

On placement, try to keep things as similar to FCs routine as possible for a bit, keep things familiar to LO and be prepared for disturbed sleep and fussy eating.  There are lots of games/songs you can do to build bonds & encourage touch & eye contact.  Get out each day for a walk or something because being stuck in an unfamiliar place can make LOs more anxious and drive you insane.  Don't worry about the housework, building your relationship and trust is more important than dusting etc.

Remember every child is different and no one can predict how a child will react to intros and placement, reading up is a good way of giving you an idea but things vary so much, especially with our LOs, based on there early experiences including time in the womb.

Enjoy getting ready and meeting your LO.
OT x


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi SummerTilly,

Like Gertie, our experience was very tough, although unlike Gertie we were not expecting such a tough transition as our l/o had a lot of issues that we weren't told about, and the foster placement was not good, again, something we were unaware of.  I don't think going into detail will necessarily help you, but there's a fair amount of information on my diary if you really want to read it. 

I would echo that you need to go at the child's pace, and that different children will respond very differently to the situation.  I think it's fair to say though, that whatever a child's behaviour and manageability is like, any l/o moved at this age is not going to understand what's happening, and is going to suffer a huge loss and a massive amount of distress.  If you're lucky your child will seek comfort from you, but don't be too surprised if they lash out at you instead.  Children fighting for control over the things they can control is also quite usual - things like food, changing, dressing, bathing etc.

Ignore what you can behaviour wise, get out, have as much fun as you can, get lots of warm winter clothes and go out the house for a stomp around every day.  Get puddle suits, snow suits, wellies and go out whatever it's like.  Get them for you too because it's much more fun for them if you're also up to your knees in freezing cold muddy water as well!  Being stuck in the house all day with a complete stranger, which is what you will be to each other, can be far too intense and little things niggle, behaviours escalate, it just doesn't work well I think at this age, but neither does being overwhelmed by lots of strangers at toddler groups etc.  Anything you can do together to have fun, and be physically close (e.g. bathing together if l/o is comfortable with it, lots of bubbles and squirty toys and don't worry about the bathroom being soaked) is great for both of you.

Good luck!

Wyxie xx


----------



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thank you everyone - wonderful advice as always   

I am planning to take it one day at a time and not be hard on myself if things don't go as I hope they will.  

The FCs are very experienced at moving children on, which is good - am busily reading everything I can about attachment and theraplay.  I am not sure how long intros will be for - I guess that will depend upon little miss and her reactions.  

I have prepared an album, which hopefully the FCs will get on Monday next week so that they can start sharing it with LO in time for Thursday's intros.  

Am filling my mind with positive thoughts about the weeks to come


----------



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Just wanted to add a little note.  At the end of each day when you inevitably dissect everything please try to focus on positives.  It will help you to actively look for positives as you go through each day (iyswim).  There is also the old saying that behaviour breeds behaviour.  LO is far more likely to have some fun in you are.  When I look back at the early days with our LO I can honestly say that the days I was worried or upset where also the days LO struggled,  the times I let the meltdowns etc. wash over me and I moved on to fun stuff where the days LO was happiest and connections started to build.  

It's not always easy, we are human so also remember not to beat yourself up if things are not perfect.  You have the rest of your lives to get to know each other and build your relationship. Intros are only the beginning. 

Write down the date, time etc when you first hear the word Mummy.  It will change you world.

Jules xx


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

did you get the 'childs journey through placement bk yet?


our DD was 19 months so similar age..our intros and settling in went like a dream..DD liked us straight away, was mostly happy for us to gradually take over her care (the section in the above bk highlights the best way of doing that)..she went down for her nap the first time in our cot like a dream..she just acted like she was meant to belong here! She was stretching out of FC's arms on placement day to get into our car..SW said she's never seen anything like it   the first night when she woke for her customary sip of milk she gave me the weirdest look at first..then it was like she remembered where she was and she smiled and went back in her cot!


We never really had any big hiccups or problems..the only thing was she liked (and still does) to trail me round the house..its like she has an in built system which sticks a pin in her everytime i move more than 10 metres away..she immediately moves to find me. I cant find any reason for this..other than the obvious.. insecurity..but she didnt really show distress..it wasnt like i wasnt ever there when she came to find me because i never went anywhere and left her initially. 


hope you have a smooth intros!


kj x


----------



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

KJ yes thank you I have bought the book and will start it tomorrow so it's all fresh for intros.

Having a little baby shower (mainly champagne) tomorrow afternoon at which time I think everything will start to feel real!

I am crossing my fingers that my experience is like yours - no doubt tips from the book have helped so will make notes!

Not long to go now


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

you'll never chow through the whole book before intros lol..just read 'that section'..moving pre verbal child onto adoption...
kjx


----------



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

KJ you may laugh at this .... I have been doing so much reading that I had forgotten that I already have and have read this book. Was looking at my second copy last night thinking "gee this is really familiar" when I realised that there's another copy on my bedside table underneath other child raising / development books!

Which strategies worked for you?


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

lol thats funny! see if you can sell it on here..


I cant remember exactly it was so long ago but the one thing that stuck in my mind and i have told people time and again is to make sure the FC is in the room when you do the first lunch/nappy/bath/whatever..not just leaving you to it. its really important that the child sees the FC as giving 'permission' (by just being present) that you are an ok person to take over the care.
when our FC heard i was a trained nursery nurse she said 'oh well then you know what to do, you dont need me standing over you all the time'... I explained what i'd read in the book so she stuck around initially and i noticed that DD did keep looking for her and clocking whether she was still nearby..even though she was happy enough for us to be doing things for her..


kj x


----------



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thanks for all your advice - intros are going amazingly well  

Just waiting to see how LO likes her visit to her new home tomorrow when her FCs are bringing her over for the day. 

Feeling a tiny bit nervous about it and hoping it stops raining so that the dogs don't track muddy paws through the house before they arrive.  Because I've been away from home for intros so far, I've not had much time to tidy up  

Fingers crossed, they don't want to do the white gloves treatment... very happy and excited to see LO's reaction to her new home x


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

SummerTilly said:


> Fingers crossed, they don't want to do the white gloves treatment... very happy and excited to see LO's reaction to her new home x


the FCs won't give a toss. master C on the other hand, ran his finger along a skirting board on his first visit to our house. his finger was not edified by the contact. i asked he didn't tell his SW, and no one's said anything so i'm guessing he wasn't bothered either


----------

