# negative comments



## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi all, just experienced some comments by a so called family member so i wondered if anyone had experienced the same. Dp's mum and stepdad came over tonight and everything was fine. But then DPs step dad starting asking us about how the process was going and started saying some negative comments about adoption . He knew excatley what he was saying and he could tell it was bothering me. Then he starts to have a conversation about his granddaughter whos about 4 now , saying how gorgeous she is and what a beautiful baby she is and the word baby was repeated over and over ( he knows i cant have kids).

It was aweful and i couldnt retaliate back or comment back for that matter. But this i suppose this has helped grow my skin that bit thicker. 

Anyone else had this happened to them before?


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Claudia, just wanted to send you hugs sweetie. That was so nasty of him to do that, some people have no idea how they are hurting peoples feelings. 
All I can say sweetie is remember at the end of this road you will have your family and your little one in your arms and that's all that matters. Keep strong


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

my mother was an utter cow when we said we were abandoning IVF for adoption. she said that we would regret it as 'genes would out' and our child would be likely be from 'bad blood' and let us down when they grew up. this she based on her mate Jean who had two birth children and one adopted, and 'she only had trouble' with the aadopted one.

she later said that her clairvoyant   said my grandfather (who died before i was born) had said i should try one more time at a London clinic and i would have a baby. my late grandfather was a joiner btw, not a gynacologist.

i win!   

i hasten to add she is now doting grandmother of the year and you'd think adoption was all her idea the way she carries on. i have trouble forgetting what she said though.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

katie c said:


> my late grandfather was a joiner btw, not a gynacologist.


lol that made me laugh  

claudia, sorry you had to experience that this evening, he sounds a joy to be around NOT! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your skin has got a bit thicker..yep... and it'll get thicker still 

kj x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Sadly I think it is part and parcel of the process. My mum never said anything but I knew she wished we had tried again that was until it became clear I needed a hysterectomy during the process then I think she realised. Bit drastic mind. She now like kc said couldn't love bubba anymore if she wanted to. Bubba is grandchild number 7 and actually I think my parents have had their hearts blown apart by her they worship her. My dh dad and wife were a challenge they never actually said anything but clearly didn't approve sadly fil died just before we were due to be matched and apart from cards we have no more contact with his wife.

I think some people have very narrow minded opinions and feel it is thier right to express them.

Stay strong and soon u will be able to


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Yep grow that extra layer now ready for when your baby comes home   

Honestly, I think some people 'mean well' but don't realise what they're saying but when comments like this come up you're better off talking about the elephant in the room and asking directly the persons views on adoption   

Your support network will change once LO is home, the people who you thought would be there for you wont be... but on the flip side some people will turn out to be a fantastic support


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

You will soon learn to grow a thicker skin and ignore people's nasty comments BUT at the time it hurts and I think a lot of nasty negative comments come form people who have no idea what adoption is all about.

Our children have been with us for a long time now and 3 years ago my SIL got very drunk and passed a comment to me about me not being able to give birth.........she nearly got flattened that's all I can say BUT I was the bigger person and told her she was drunk and she would regret saying the comment she had passed when she wakes up in the morning!  That thicker skin comes in handy sometimes other wise I would have flattened her!  LOL


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Yep I think we've all had comments like it....I've nearly flattened a couple of people myself!

What I've found more offensive is that my brother-in-law who has met my daughter ONCE has made up an unkind nickname for her (no kids and in same sex relationship so not sure if it's a bit of the green eyed monster as his partner does have kids and now his brother does, or he's just an insensitive w*****). He thinks he's being funny and my idiotic father-in-law told me, for some reason thinking I'd laugh. I'll be seeing him tomorrow and he'll be getting more than a slice of Turkey if he dares to use it again!

I've noticed that *some* people - not many - think it's ok to say personal things about the kids because they didn't pop out of my own hoo-hah! I'm pretty sure no one would comment on the physical aspects of a birth child for fear if causing any offence but adopted children seem to be fair game! My kids are gorgeous and I'm not putting up with it from people who don't know them...and it always is the people who don't know them!

Honestly where's my soapbox!

Don't take the comments to heart Claudia....just pity the poor idiot for being so narrow minded and unable to see past the gene pool, which really, really isn't what makes family!


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks guys i really needed some advise. I wanted to say something to them this morning but i have been then better person and not risen to it. Since doing our eco map its amazing who you think are a friends or a family member actually arent. 

I know me and DP have each other and my side of the family and thats all that mattters. Theres also forums like this and adoption uk if we need any advise or support or help. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful christmas xxxx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I can really relate to to this thread today having learned from my sister that my dad is slagging me off at the moment for keeping to 'lockdown' with my lovely new son who has been home for a week. We totally understand the reasons for spending time at home, just him, dh and me initially, and we have tried to explain them to my family, but my dad always 'knows best' so it doesn't matter what you explain, it gets discounted if he doesn't think it's right! 
Apparently he is livid that we have taken advice from social workers and not him and my mum as they have raised four children - yep, you guessed it - none were adopted  . 

It is such a shame when family members can't just support or shut up (though to be fair my dad is not bothering me directly with his ignorance). So, I don't have any fresh advice other than to warn you it will get worse when you start parenting differently to others (just a week in we are already being compared unfavourably to when my sisters had babies) but I am sure you will feel so happy and protective of your child and family that it simply doesn't matter deep down (though will niggle) what other people think. 

Good luck with your adoption journey.

Our son is best Christmas present in the world. We have to spend Christmas Day unusually just the three of us tomorrow and it doesn't matter in the least that it won't be v sociable - dh and I  will happily spend the day concentrating on our littley - who we will do what we think is best by, regardless of what others say.

Sorry - think that was ranty, but I feel better! 
Gettina x


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Dont worry , we all need a rant from time to time Gettina . At the end of the day i know that me , DP and LO will be the ones that matter most and are most important too. I didnt rise to what Dps step dad was saying , and im glad it has made me and DP more stronger.
Have a lovely xmas Gettina xxx


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

Big hugs huni xxx we have had this today at Christmas dinner , my SIL and BIL. Have had twins 7 weeks ago , 1 st granchildren for my in laws and to be honest although the twins are gorgeous I'm finding it very hard ..... The ' oh bet your glad you won't have to do all this newborn feeding .... Do you feel like your missing out ? .....bet your glad you don't have to give birth etc ' ......so insensitive ! Grrr !


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

I know excatley what you mean, even before he's made comments like theres nothing like your own. He reackoned he had been talking to this woman who knows all about adoption and everything he said was part of the old adoption process. When i corrected him , he would ignore me and talk to DP about something else entirely. Then he said dont take it as gospel and the more he was saying the more my blood was curdling . After that i simply ignored him. I could even imagine him meeting LO in the future and him  being excatley the same or even worse , waiting for an opportunity to be on is own with LO and then telling them stuff, thats the kind of person he is. Me and DP even discussed this and no way would he ever have an opportunity to say anything of the sorts.

Very insensitive xxxx


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