# Feeling Miserable



## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Hi guys,

Though I'd post this seperately from the threads as I don't really want to bring anyone down but I am feeling proper cacky today for some weird reason    . Feel monumentally tearful, trying to be positive and upbeat but i just feel really low, stupid things keep poppin into my head about the little bean that we lost and I don't know why, wondering if it's the whole BFN thing dragging up crappy memories, it seems so insignificant compared to what others on here are going through, i feel guilty for feeling bad but I just can't shake it off today. Can't concentrate on doing anything, so worried that I will never get pregnant, I am sure you all know these feelings and have had them yourselves, guess I am just whinging on. I feel sometimes that i want this so bad that I aren't getting anywhere with anything, like this is ruling my life. Don't go on about to to DP and family as I am sure they have all heard enough by now. 

I got really drunk on Saturday night (only takes a few, don't do it very often!!!!), at a party where there was loads of kids, several of who have really crappy lives and ended up in the toilets sobbing my heart out, then according to DP (me..too drunk to remember) spend half the night in tears, wailing about how i want a baby and on and on and on, at least i didn't do any of it in public or else people will be labelling me Mad May from Eastenders.

Don't really expect anybody to know anything, just needed to get it off my chest i think, just thought I was ok, maybe I am, just having a bad day.

thanks for listening (or reading)

emma


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## Mable (Apr 9, 2005)

Pem. Sorry it's been so hard and you've lost so much. It's so hard not knowing if it is going to ever happen isn't it. If you knew that you would have a baby this time next year, you could relax into it and have faith in the process. But there are no guarantees, and it's so hard. 

Hope you feel better soon x


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Thanks Mable,

clearly i am just feeling sorry for myself, feel a complete idiot now for posting. We WILL all get there.

Emma


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## nickster (Jul 6, 2007)

> We WILL all get there.


Yes we _will _ *Pem*! I'm only just beginning to get a feel for the emotional rollercoasterness of this ttc business, and can't really imagine what it's like for you to have gone through such a loss.

Since I've been on these boards I've been really struck by what an incredibly positive person you are. But it's inevitable that you'll have these dips in your confidence from time to time... I think *Mable's * right - we get so obsessed by it happening THIS TIME, when actually it wouldn't matter if it's in 3, 6 or even 12 months. As long as it happens eventually!

I know there are no guarantees, but my rational brain tells me that there's such an overwhelmingly good chance that we can have a baby - it's just a matter of time.

So try to keep strong and positive and happy. And try not to put your life on hold in the meantime (I'm in danger of doing exactly the same thing, so I'm not suggesting it's easy).

Huge hugs for you... and remember, there's a Caribbean cruise just round the corner! 



xxx


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

I just wanted to add to the words of encouragement. I had dips like yours, times when I doubted it would ever happen, spent agonising hours trying to contemplate whether living childless was something I was going to have to come to terms with. It's a really tough process, especially after years of it. I think the only reason we survived at it as long as we did was by taking breaks every now and again so that we could actually have brief snippets of life without the rollercoaster to remind us that there was good stuff out there too that had nothing to do with babies and children.

I think it was *Duff* who first talked about seeing TTC as a process rather than focusing on each attempt as a make or break thing to me, and that makes an awful lot of sense. I'll always be appreciative of that. It's such a little thing in many ways, but it changes the way you look at the whole experience and makes each time that your period arrives just another step in the journey rather than yet another loss.

The other thing that helped was reading the adoption section of this site and spending time with our two adopted nephews, knowing that giving up the baby-making ourselves was always going to be tough, but that there were still really positive options out there and that there'd be no reason why we'd be turned down as potential adoptive parents if we ever chose to go down that road. Knowing that the odds were amazingly in our favour that we would be parents, one way or another, whether biologically or not, did help. It was the impatience aspect that was hard to live with.

You're right, we will all get there/are getting there. And in the meantime you have this fantastic online space to rant on whenever you feel the need. 

Sending you the most positive of wishes,

Gina. x


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Thanks you guys for your words of support and encouragement, I had a BIG mardy    last night and feel a lot better today. It is the best advice to see it as a process and to carry on with life as per normal, in fact it is the advice i would give to someone in any of our situations. I was feeling a little sorry for myself and know that it is crap to do that, so I have given myself a big   up the backside and will be moving onwards and upwards.

I think my little mardy was partially down to the fact that we have a young lad staying with us at the moment whose mum has kicked him out, he is a fantastic young guy who has achieved a lot against the odds and his mum is a complete **** . This is not the first time we have had young people staying in our spare room ..we are suckers for the waifs and strays!! It just makes me so mad that people have the privilege of wonderful children and then treat them like crap. Goes on all the time I know, but just makes me so mad..   

We do want to foster eventually when we have a bigger house and adoption is something I am definitely not against doing if we don't manage it this way, you are right Gina, the odds are absolutely in our favour and it is impatience and the feeling that you have no real control over what is happening that messes up your emotions.

Thanks again, you are are all fantastically supportive, I promise no more mardys (until the next BFN    ) will be back to usual positive self!!

Good wishes to everyone!!

Emma and the chooks (chuckling away as I type!!)


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## Mable (Apr 9, 2005)

How are you feeling today Pem? Don't make yourself get all positive if you're still feeling rubbish, I think it helps to have a good dwell and get into the feelings to then move through them, rather than make yourself cheer up.  

You're doing a very good thing with your informal fostering - that young lad is a lucky chap.


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## Alison0702 (Apr 7, 2006)

Emma Sorry you have been feelin crappy. You are always so upbeat and what with everything that has happened, you need time to just think "right I am going to have a tilt and I dont care". A good cry is good for us all, and you are entitled to it. I hope you are feeling a bit better now though, and looking forward to your cruise...I wish I could come!


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

oh, you guys are loverly juberly!!! I am really, honestly feeling better, looking forward to peeing on some sticks, can't beat that splashback on to your hands when you aim wrong      

Dp has been really supportive , god i just love her so much....soppy I know, but its great having someone to love you so much and look after you when you are having a mardy moment..   

Loving having young man with us, he is brilliant, never fails to remind us of how great (hahahahahahahahahaha) it will be to have teenagers!!!

Carribean, here I come, Don't think you could fit that bump in my teeny suitcase Alison, or else you could squeeze in!! 1 week to go and counting...the chinese say a warm womb is good for conception so i shall be getting my belly out for that sunshine to warm it!! 

Emma x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Pem- So sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time- it is all part of this TTC madness!!
I hope that you enjoy your holiday- where in the Caribbean are you going to?  I used to live there hope that you have a fantastic and relaxing time.

L xx


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Hi jj - lucky u, living in the carribean, wherabouts? We are going to Jamiaca, cozumel, grand cayman and Haiti. Can't wait now, its going to be Fun, fun fun!!


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I lived in Grand Cayman!! for 2 years- are you going on a cruise around the Caribbean?  
In Cayman make sure that you go to Stingray City and hold/feed/kiss the tame stingrays and then to Rum Point chilling out in your hammock with a cocktail.  There is a place call Hell, but basically a bit disappointing a few limestone rocks and a man dressed up as a devil and plastic horns syaing corny things like ' How the hell are you today' the  American tourists love it , the main attraction is the post office as if you post the cards from Hell you get the post mark!!

Seven Mile Beach is the main white sandy beach where I lived (it is 5 miles not 7!!)- near the Ritz Carlton, Holliday inn/Public Beach are the nicest - in some areas the beaches have been washed away a bit in the hurricanes.  Diving is great in Cayman but not for those on 2WW!!  
You should have a fab time- and hopefully the hurricanes and storms will keep out of the way.

When are you off??
I'm very envious- I used to go on holiday for a month in Feb until my friends all came back to the UK and Ireland!!
L xx


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Hi JJ, U lucky lucky thing u, living in Grand Cayman. We are actually going cyclinga round the island for an hour or two, so hopefully will see quite a bit of the place. Have been before many years ago and saw the stingrays and went down in a submarine to see the volcanic shelf system, it was amazing, saw a hammerhead shark ... well i think that was what it was...hehehehe   . We are on a cruise, so only have afew hours in each place, i just can't wait now, fly on saturday morning, going with my three favourite people in the world too, so it should be brilliant!. Might look for a job while i am out there, then i can live out there!! Mind you, don;t know if i am up for the hurricanes, experienced hurricane/tornadoes in Atlanta once and absolutely pooped my pants!!!

Go and visit in Ireland, it is my favourite place to go, went there for my honeymoon, Co Kerry is amazing!


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Pem I've only seem basking sharks  !!  but they did have an area that specialised in shark diving - it got banned when someone in Florida got bitten whilst feeding them and wondered why!!  

I love Ireland- most of friends are now in Dublin, so I go over quiet often and they try and persuade me to go and live there.  I love the Irish people and beautiful countryside.  My donor and his partner are Irish-  I went to Kerry last summer with the boys and a friend, as donor's partner is from Kerry, and we spent a week in Clare and Kerry.

Have a fantastic time and a safe trip, enjoy it and hope you relax and it takes your mind off this TTC madness rollercoaster we are on.

L xx


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