# Christmas



## Debs

Well theres no denying its just round the corner.

Not the easiest time of the year for us on this board to cope with   

I have many thoughts that go round in my head but I wanted to start this thread for us to help each other through - does anyone have any tips that might help?

Hearing the squeals of laughter coming through the walls on xmas morning from next door really make me    I count my blessings for what I do have in my life - my dh, family and nephews and neices I adore - but coming home after seeing them all on xmas day to our empty house hits me again   

Is anyone else struggling with the run up to christmas?

Love

Debs xxx


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## Myra

I am with you hun........i think of my lost babies and wonder what could have been xxxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

It is a hard time I think of my angel who I lost 4 yrs ago today, every year I say how different next Xmas might be as you have to keep believing- but I'd love to be wrapping gifts for my child as well as everyone elses, and having him/her around for the magical things Xmas brings xx


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## Sunset

Hi
I struggle at this time of the year.  It's a family time.  I have so many lovely memories of spending Christmas with my grandparents, parents and my brothers.  Christmas is lovely now with my fiance, parents, brothers and their families.  I wish I was writing Santa letters with my child, taking him/her to see Santa and buying their Christmas gifts.  I'm not sure what's the best way of coping with knowing that we're never going to be making Christmas-time special for our children.
Some days it's easier than others.
If anyone has any good ideas......
It's a time for family and it's lovely spending more time with my family.  It's prob the one time of the year when we all make a bigger effort.  That's precious.
Love xo


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## owenl

I always struggle at this time of year anyway as I suffer from SAD but this year i't's 10 times worse and recently diagnosed with clinical depression.  I thought I was moving on from failed IVF, break up of my marriage and was starting to socialise again but the dark nights and the stress of living with ex has been getting to me and I recently started thinking that if my 3rd and final go at IVF hadn't ended in miscarriage I'd be having an Xmas baby - due date was 22 Dec   .  With no brothers and sisters and hence no nieces and nephews and now split from DH Xmas is a very lonely time.  I'm going down to my parents for a week then spending New Year with friends but the only thing I'm looking forward to is a couple of weeks off work as my depression seriously getting me down and struggling to cope with everything in life at the moment and work is stressful and doesn't seem much point to anything at the moment but I know it's just the time of the year and my situation at the moment but I don't like feeling like this


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## greatgazza

I know the feeling ownel.  I too am suffering with a bad bout of depression right now but can't take any anti d's as just had treatment.  I find this time of year particularly hard too, my dad died when i was 20 and he always made xmas great when we were kids and my mum died september last year so i'm really struggling with xmas now.  I have 7 brothers and sisters but all of them either have a partner and/or children to make it special for.  the only one who was like me, my brother, his wife is currently recently pregnant.  i don't know where i'm going to spend xmas yet, last year i spent it with my best friend and her family (who i've grown up with) but she's at her hubby's side of the family this year.  my brother and his wife have invited me but if this tx is negative the last thing i want to do is spend it with a couple expecting a baby.... 2 of my others sisters don't really have room for guests as their houses only just fit their own families.  so all in all i feel like a complete orphan annie and really don't  know how i'm going to get through it.  just wish it was over tbh.  it's a pressured time of year if your life's not 'happening perfectly'....

GGx


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## recorder

so sorry to hear all this.  I am now 41, at the end of my IVF journey.  I was messed about by trully terrible incompetent doctors for seven years; then I finally got one donor egg IVF which failed March 2009; then laparoscopy Jan 2010; then another donor egg IVF March 2010, then BFP, then miscarriage, then D&C operation, then FET November 2010 ... then just got chemical pregnancy and thus essentially negative.  I had 'perfect' donor eggs transferred from v young women; I had 'perfect' hormones because they were medicated and I had a 'perfect' uterus shown by laparoscopy and even 'perfect' frozen eggs implanted.  No explanations, not reasons, just bad luck.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.

Although sometimes we feel we are not coping - i feel that all the time - if you see yourself from outside you are much stronger than you seem.  Many other people do not have to face what we do ... we are survivors although it feels as if we cannot survive.  I will go through with adoption somehow, when the time is right.
For Christmas I am proud - I will have a quiet time, doing things I like and resting.  I will avoid family things with young children and actually I will invite OTHERS to MY TERRITORY!  That way i control who comes and I have nice older friends with grown up children who want nothing to do with kids and want to have a relaxing time.  So I will invite a few of those around. 
Look after yourself first.  Do what feels right for you and know that your strength is shining through.  
I think people tend not to admit their struggles - almost never really and for those of us that do, know that there are others who feel the same sort of pain.


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## Rowan22

I'm sorry to read these stories. Owen and Greatgazza, you really sound as if you're going through it at the moment. I wish there was more I could do than just give you some of these     As far as Xmas is concerned, just do what you need to do. That's basically what we'll be doing.
There are some things I enjoy about the festival and the actual solstice itself is meaningful for me, so I tend to concentrate on that and not worry too much about the big  Day. The family thing is difficult but we long ago decided on self preservation, so I tend not to go to my brother's, as though they have no kids, my sil has dozens of nephews, nieces, etc, some of whom are now busy having kids themselves! If you don't see them, you have to hear about them!
We find something to do that we enjoy, even if it's only watching old movies or cartoons on TV and do that. If the weather's good enough, we'll have a bit of a walk, having got up incredibly late, have the meal in the evening and just chill out. We tend to see my mother on Boxing Day and that's it. 
Having said that I think I'm still stuck in denial at the moment. I've managed to buy one present and a packet of 6 cards so far!
Recorder, I've seen you on the adoption board and I'd like to wish you the best of luck. I have to admit that though we've never been able to afford IVF, the amount of money those clinics are raking in takes my breath away. Basically, they're trading on human suffering and unlike most private medicine, they can't even guarantee a cure. Have you read Germaine Greer on the whole assisted conception business? As you can imagine, she doesn't mince her words! She accuses the clinics of treating us all as guinea pigs and getting very rich at the same time. 
We have an initial visit coming up but I can't get excited about it. I think I've just gone numb. I can't believe it's ever going to happen now.

Take care,

Rowanxxx


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## JazzaJazJaz

Wow...
....reading all your struggles makes my life seem nothing in comparison. DH and I are off on holiday to New York next Saturday, for the Xmas and New Year period, just find it easier, as his family, whom we would have been spending the xmas period with, all have small kids and/or babies so it being just the two of us makes it a little more bearable. We are lucky as where we live, we have older kids next door rather than little ones, so it is easier to get through the Xmas decorating period as we are neighbours with teenagers rather than toddlers. Hope everyone else who is bearing it at home manages to stay on top of it all and not succumb to anyone, I did last year and it was horrible.
Will be praying for each and every one of you, 
Jaz
xxxxx       Stay Strong


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## musicmaker

I used to love Christmas, the whole build up, carols, plays, Children's parties (I'm a teacher).  But now it just feels empty.  This will be the first Christmas without my mum.  And last week we went through a chemical pregnancy on our 5th ICSI.  I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.  It feels like we will now never be parents.  If I could hide from all the Christmas things, I would.  Instead I will be spending the day with my DH, my dad and my brother and sister with their children (4 children all under 5 between them) and my MIL.  I don't want to be around any children happily opening their presents. I should have still been  pregnant.  Instead I will be sat there with an empty body, wishing that those lovely happy children would be ours.  And they won't.  The wooden cradle in the garage still sits there waiting.  The brightly coloured lights mock.  
Sorry I don't have any strategies for coping with Christmas - I wish I did.  For me, it will be tears and sadness again, hidden under a smiling facade.


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## mackilty

Hello girls,

I am really struggling this Christmas!  It has been a nightmare and I am just exhausted!  I finish work tomorrow so have to keep the mask on for another few hours!  I had to buy 5 baby gifts on Saturday, it nearly killed me altogether!  I am such a different person since infertility came into my life and took away my joy.

I am not putting decorations up this year, I just can not face it.  And for the first year ever, my DH has no interest either.  I have my head down to get through Christmas and start our next treatment in 2011.

My heart is breaking and am so grateful for FF to have a space to write out how upset, angry and sad I am!

Kilty


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## shortie66

I just cannot get into "christmas" at all at the mo but am trying. Had a fresh donor cycle end of march bfn and fet 3 weeks ago and another bfn    If (and i know its a big word   ) my fresh cycle had worked i would have been due on the 20th, and then if my fet cycle had worked i would have been due for a first scan the 22nd. BUT they didnt work and its soooo fecking hard to carry on. Im trying my hardest cos i have always loved christmas, and i really did have a few sh 1te christmas's after losing my mom and dad withing 2 years    Then i met my dh and the happiness came back, then unfortunately i met with infertility and the sadness has returned. 


All i can say girls, is to do what you want, when you want, you may not have everything in your life that you want, and for that you are entitled to feel sadness and fear (i know i do)    Its scary not knowing what happiness the future will bring us, but to some extent we control our own happiness and our own furtures dont we    I dont want to look back 20years from now whether children come along or not and think god i was a miserable cow (even if i am)    


SOoooooo i intend to get p1 ssed, when i want. Hide away, when i want. Laugh, when i want. Cry, when i want. And eat as much bloody chocolate as i like which will be all the time.


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## beachgirl

We're going away to stay with friends from Christmas Eve until the Monday as I hate being home alone...used to love having christmas day with DH at home but now I just see what might have been..an empty chair where our baby should be sat, quiet rooms instead of ones filled with laughter and chuckles,.....too hard to cope with isn't it...

New Year isn't any easier either....I always find it sad as it's another year acknowledging that our life is passing without a child...DH's dad died on NYD and we were due on the 5th January so a very sad time...x


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## Beanie3

Hello Ladies

Your post brought tears to my eyes   , did not think I would find this time of year so difficult, so thankfull that I am working all over Christmas, have been diagnosed with suffering with depression and anxiety. DH has been so supportive of how am feeling, didnt think I would be able to keep going.

Sending you all hugs


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## MaisieCat

Reading this thread has made me feel so sad for you all.   to you all.

I am waiting for a missed miscarriage to pass and would have been telling the rest of the family on Christmas Day had this not happened.  We were due to spend Christmas in Cornwall with DH's parents, sister and BIL and our 2 YO niece, but don't know if this will be over with in time for me to be fit to travel (I cannot face an ERPC and am hoping not to be forced into one).

To be honest, I'm not sure I want to face it at all, but DH only sees his parents once or twice a year so I know he's really going to want to go.  I'm afraid it will all be too raw and I'll burst into tears watching our little niece opening her pressies.  Staying here could be just as bad because I know my sister's little girl will want to see us and if that sets me off, she is old enough ( to want to know why Auntie MeeMee is upset.  

I have been strong so far and haven't felt like crying, but I know from long past experience that it doesn't hit you properly until it's really 'over'.  We have never had Christmas alone as a couple, but I think that's what I'd like to do if it wasn't for the fact that family members that don't know what's happened won't understand why.  Mind you, then we'll have to listen to the commotion from the family behind us who arrived with one child 5 years ago and have had 3 more since   .  Perhaps a holiday would have been the best solution, but it's a bit late now.

This has gone from wonderful timing with a 12 week scan due just before Christmas, to absolutely rubbish timing in one foul swoop.

Sorry to bring this all down, but it needed to come off my chest.

xxx


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## ~Lindz~

I wish I could hide from christmas this year as had my first ICSI been successful our babies would have been born on Christmas day, but here we are 4 ICSIs later, and faced with yet another childless christmas.   

I now doubt if I'll ever be a mummy, and doubt whether I will ever seee the joy on my child's face as they open their presents on Christmas morning, but somehow I'll keep going... I always do... but every year it gets harder and harder to bear.  

My heart goes out to everyone else who is going through this too, and I genuinely pray that 2011 is a better year for all of us.

Hugs     

Lindz xxx


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## greatgazza

Hugs to everyone on here     this is just so tough isn't it.

Hope you work out what to do maisiecat, i'm in a similar situation as i don't know what to do or where to go as got a bfp last week but think i'm miscarrying now too.  I guess there's never a good time for this to be happening but christmas is such an emotional time isn't it and if you're not happy with lots of festive spirit it's really hard because it's expected of you and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

GGxxx


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## MaisieCat

GG - it is a rubbish time for this to happen (not that there could ever be a good time).  So sorry to hear you are going through it too.  At our age it's even worse what with the 'running out of time' feeling on top of it all.  

Hope 2011 has more pleasant things in store for all of us. xx


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## mackilty

Hello girls,

I am so sorry Maisiecat and Greatgazza to read your posts.  I am praying for you and really do not have words to express my sorrow.  A huge   to you both!

We had our Christmas party last night and in the middle of the dinner, a work colleague announced her wonderful news.  To say I wanted the floor to open up and take me into the earth is an understatement.    My work colleagues and boss who know what I am going through were so supportive afterwards.  I have never had the desire to flee from somewhere but I did and my boss walked with me to the car as I cried.  I hate feeling like such a begrudger as it is against my nature but I am dieing inside.   

I got home and all I could do was put on my PJs and curl up in bed.  I watched a crap film and forced myself to stay with it.  DH brought me tea and I just moped.  I felt I had a heavy weight on my chest and it was hard to breathe with the grief.  I finally feel asleep and when I woke up, I said to myself, I am going to be OK.  

Girls, it is only those of us who are walking this dark, sad, "broken glass" path who can understand the grief and overwhelming heartache.  

I am focusing on 2011 and I hope and pray it is brighter for all of us!     

This thread has been a great release and I know those reading truly understand!

Love to all,

Kilty


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## MaisieCat

Oh mackilty, I really feel for you.  It's always hard hearing other people's good news and trying to be happy for them - and to hear it at a party is always going to be worse.  Best of luck for your treatment in 2011  .


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## lou7

Hello girls

I too am finding christmas and the run up very difficult.  Like maisiecat I had hoped to be able to reveal our exciting BFP over christmas after 4 years TTC and 2 ICSI cycles.  Sadly we had a missed miscarriage and I had an erpc a month ago.  I'm trying to stay positive but its hard.  My younger sister gave birth to her first baby this morning, after getting pregnant first time and, whilst I am thrilled for her and would never for a second want her to be in my position, seeing her and everyone else so excited is very difficult. I'm sitting at home on my own at the moment (my husband is in germany for work - feels like v bad timing) trying to decide whether i should go up and see her tonight or wait till tomorrow.  Perhaps if i could stop crying first I might be able to make a decision!!  

As a double wammy a friend of mine emailed me this morning to say that she is pregnant, seemingly by accident.  Like you makilty I try not to begrudge others their happiness....but it doesn't make it any less painful when others seem to get so easily something we want more than anything and try so hard for.

Lots of love and luck to everyone and thankyou for being braving enough to share your thoughts and experiences...i hope it helps us all to know that we are not alone and that others understand some of the pain we feel.

Here's hoping that 2011 brings us everything we hope for and definitely deserve.  

Lou xx


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## greatgazza

Oh dear lou what a difficult time for you    .  Maybe try not to feel under too much pressure to go and see your sister if you don't feel up to it just now, would she understand your struggle?  She wouldn't want you to be upset and would hopefully be sympathetic to it being hard for you?  Or would she be ok if you did go but cried and were able to share your grief whilst also being pleased for her?

None of this is easy, and it's just so f**king unfair really isn't it.  I'm just so hacked off with it all.

GGx


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## angie72

I seem to remember a time when I too loved Christmas, but now I find the whole thing just so hard.  Today my step children are coming round and they will be putting up the christmas tree with DH.  They are 15 & 13 and I really don't want to spoil it for them, but there is something about putting up that tree that just breaks my heart.  Every year I say I don't even want it to go up, it's only the two of us most of the time anyway so what's the point?  And every year they insist and I get so angry I just want to leave before I explode (can't today though cos of the snow!).

I don't know why it's the whole tree thing that pushes me over the edge, maybe it's because I should be decorating it with my own children and if I can't do that, then I'm very sorry but I don't want to do it all!!

Angie


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## tribble

Hi ladies
have been very sad reading all your posts but what you have written about being jealous of others, feeling like a changed person has really helped me as I feel exactly that.

I had negative test this morning; from my 3rd & final try at ICSI. I didn't think it had worked but I was on some different post-ET drugs this time so obviously hoped. My DH has been great & cuddled me non-stop. I am lucky to have him.
I have to face up to never having kids now. Work colleagues sitting next to me are having more children & my team is full of young women doing the same, so work doesn;t even feel like an escape like it used to. I feel like I want to run off and get a different job. Know exactly what everyone means about the pregnancy announcements!
Ironically my DH is the cause of our infertility, even though I have a stepdaughter, but I guess it must be my age too as egg quality poorer, I guess they must stop growing after ET, I don't know why.
I will have to be OK tomorrow to make sure my step-D has a nice time & I will put a brave face on it when we see my family so as not to spoil their day. But so bloody wearing, putting a brave face on it, I really don't know how I can carry on doing that now for the rest of my life. 

I now want to avoid all my friends as even unintentionally some of the nicest friends I have have said or done quite insensitive things throughout my years of infertility; I think at the moment it is best to avoid everyone then they can't say anything to hurt me.

I think I am going to try and think of the good things I have got; I really must make sure DH and I stay OK, what a disaster if this whole thing made us split. I didn't even know I wanted kids that much until I was with him and saw what a fab dad he is; and just because I love him it's the most natural thing in the world to want to create a family from that, so just feel like a freak and an outcast now.
I hope you can all find some peace at christmas time, even if it is just a chance to relax and do whatever you want to do like others have said.


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