# This could actually happen!!!



## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have just started my treatment for my first attempt. Currently taking norethisterone to control the timing of my AF and should hopefully be looking at IUI mid may.

I am currently having a bit of a freak out - am I doing the right thing? Can I do this without a dad for support. Obviously I have already considered these things in great detail and the answer is of course yes but maybe it's just hormones, which  seem to react to very easily (God help me when I get on to Clomid!)

It hasn't helped that I have just watched One Born Every Minute (something I usually avoid but was flicking and was intrigued!) and seeing the pain they go through and how much they rely on their partners has scared me a little. I know my mum will be there with me but then I'm scared of shouting at her and being horrible to her.

Most of all, I'm scared that it won't work. I've paid for 4 vials from xytex and finances would make it difficult to pay for more. I know I'm getting ahead of myself and it doesn't help that I spent the day with my friend and her 2 month old - after having told me a couple of years ago when she was talking about divorcing her husband that she never even really wanted kids. They sorted things out and are very happy now and as much as I am pleased for them can't help feeling jealous. Why can' t things go right for me for once?

Anyway - rant, moan, whatever you call it, over.
Just needed to get it out. No one else I know has had to go through anything like this, they all seem to have had it so easy. Although I know the reality is probably quite different. I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself!

Thanks for listening, or reading!

S xx


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Smc I send you a big hug via my mobile!
One thing that quite pleased me, when I starting looking around for people with same experience, is having discovered here, there is a lot of people who are in your and mine exact same situation. You might find new real friends here on maybe just chat friends, but truth is we are a lot and this thought made me stronger and happier about my decision.
I am sure I will go over the phase "what am I doing" when I will aswell start my meds, but I am expecting this phase, and I believe it's completely natural and probably we would have it even with a partner by our side.
Let's do our best to make these vial worth the travel (mine aswell come from xytex!), we need to nurture our soul with good positive thinking.
I am happy for you as you are actually starting  
Night night xxx


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

SMC - just wanted to say that I am feeling many of the same things.  Have my appointment at LWC tomorrow and am finding it tough. It's only the consultation although I hope to have iui pretty quickly after unless they find major problems ( I had all the tests 2 years ago so hope not but who knows) . Anyway I haven't slept this week hardly at all and when I have slept I have had horrid dreams.  I know I am doing the right thing but doesn't stop the moments of wondering why it has t be so hard and why I didn't find someone to have kids with etc etc.  so just have to keep strong and keep going.
This forum gives me so much inspiration.
Amy x


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## KerriJo (Jun 25, 2011)

I think those 'what I am I doing' feelings are such a natural part of what we are doing. I am 6 months pregnant following DIUI, and although feel so blessed and lucky that it worked for me, still have odd monments of 'can I do this?' 'am I crazy!?' and feelings of guilt that I am bringing my child into the world without a father.

But these feelings are so odd and occasional compared to my feelings of excitement, and knowing that YES, I CAN do this. I am an independent woman, I have a supportive family, and I will do my best for my child. 

Good luck to all going through / about to begin treatment


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you ladies, you advice and supoprt really is invaluable.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad - most of the time I feel great about my decision and then I have a doubt for a split second and that undoes all the positivity I was feeling before.

It's just nive to know that I'm not the only one having all these feelings and seeing that others are going throiugh the same process - physically and mentally - is so reassuring.
As much as my friends are supportive and encouraging, they just have no grasp of how it feels to go through this. So all of you words mean a lot to me.
Good luck to all of you xx


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## majestic (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi SMC   Rant away as I totally know where you're coming from. I haven't posted on here as much as I am still at the early stages of my treatment and have my first appointment in 2 weeks and am dreading it! I too have feelings of doubt and fear but as others have said these are totally natural.  Even though I have family members who have supported me in my decision, I still feel very alone in this journey as there is no one I know personally who is going through this.  

If it wasn't for FF I would have accepted that my chance of having a child were totally over.  Going solo is a tough decision as it has meant letting go of the dream I harboured of meeting my soulmate, settling down and having children. All I know is that I have made the right decision for me.  

Wishing all of you the very best of luck with your treatment. Heddie xxx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Heddie
It's so funny reading what everyone says about their doubts and fears about all of this, it's all so familiar! Letting go of that idea of the ideal family I think is the hardest, I still feel sad sometimes when I think about what I might be missing out on, but then I think about the alternative of waiting and waiting and then running out of time and never becoming a mum and it's far far worse!

Try not to worry about your first appointment, it will be fine. Just be prepared to talk very openly about your decision. I felt a bit like I was being quizzed and was a bit angry about having to justify my decision but with hindsight I feel that it has to be hard because to do this we have to be really strong.
Being alone is hard and sometimes it does feel like no one understands, but that it what FF is for.

Good luck with your first appointment!

Sarah x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

someone gave my some advice before i started which i thought was a good tip:
they said i should write down how i felt about things: treatment, birth stuff, baby names, what to do about embryos, whatever.. _Before_ i started on too many drugs... that way, if i started having crazy drug-induced ideas, i would know they were because of the drugs...otherwise once i am all drugged up ( taking 3 injections a day at the moment!) how would i know whether something i thought was 'normal' for me or not...

good luck smc and everyone. x


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## squint (Apr 7, 2012)

Hi smc,

I could almost have written what you have said, and I’m not even having treatment yet.  

I think I’d be more concerned if someone was going into this without worries, insecurities and doubts, especially when they’re going it alone.  Those freak-outs you’re having show that you are thinking realistically and not looking at motherhood through rose-tinted glasses, which is a good thing.

And, as you can see from this thread, you are not the only one feeling this way.


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi ya,

Sitting on the couch with my little DIUI miracle and can say being a SMBC was the best decision I ever made.  It's been said before on other threads but the money will sort itself out.  Keeping the focus on the end product kept me sane.  I wanted to bear and raise my own child and was willing to face being a single mum for that honour.

I just got back from the US and have 3 divorced siblings.  They have a logistical nightmare and NO mobility.  They can't move from where they live.  This is a really bad thing as the decision to move and get married meant all of them are hours away from where they grew up.  As a SMBC I am mobile and have no real ties before Z goes to school.  

Amazing how NOT having a Dad can be a positive thing as well.  Less chiefs to make the big decisions.

Good luck ladies! Hope to see some/all of you at Suity's BBQ this summer.

Dawn


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Ladies, I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is all of you that keep me sane, and in some respects, keep me going.

Even though I am feeling a lot better today - dare I say it normal! - it still helps to read your messages as it really encourages me and keeps me focused. I always feel so much more positive when I read your messages.

I have just been catching up with a friend - going through treatment but married and she told me about a friend of ours who has recently had a baby, just found out her husband has been cheating and has left him so is in exactly the same position that I hope to be in soon - but with the problem of an unreliable man getting in the way - just another bit of reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men and I know there are some good ones out there, but just doing it the conventional way doesn't mean that it's going to work out!

S xxx


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Well SMC today is my panic turn!!
I finally got a reply from "missing" consultant that apparently was not given my emails by the stuff at the reception, he actually send 2 emails to me and in a way reassured me on what I was seeking reassurance for.
Now what?? Now my sperm vials have arrived and I will start downgrading after my next cycle meaning early May.
Confusion, excitement, fear, panic and tiredness, all these feelings are with me now.
Now I am thinking I should eat super healthy and have a more detailed plan, or maybe I should just relax enjoy and get as many distractions as possible.

My head is spinning I need to stop it!
Not to mention am going as well to athens to check with peny, maybe I should not go, too many things at once. But flight is booked, blood sample is in the fridge...
I think I need to get a rest here, as said my head is spinning big time!
Goodnight girls


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Sending a hug to you Elle!
Days like this are hard but deep down you'll know what's best for you.
I don't know if it will help but as low and...rubbish is the only way I can describe it - as I felt yesterday, today I feel so much better.

I think that all of this can be so overwhelming, sometimes it helps to take a step back and as hard as it is, try not to think about it and distract yourself with something else. My escape is chocolate and Harry potter marathons! Sometimes not thinking about babies helps to make decisions a little clearer.

Wish I could be of more help!

S xx


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

SMC thanks for your words, today I feel I just can't wait to start!!!
Eating super healthy, cut down almost all my coffee, have just one espresso in the morning...
Did some online food shopping yesterday, bought a whole lot of veggies!
Counting days to my next AF so I can call the clinic and get my meds sent!!!  

How is it going with you?


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## SophieBlue (Apr 17, 2011)

Hi everyone
Elle and SMC you're feelings are exactly similar to mine. Up and down but deep inside I know I have made the right decision and I cant wait till all goes well. Elle sounds as you're going to cycle in the same time as me, my 4th attemp this time ivf in May.
I got my meds delivered yesterday and about 11 days to go till I start down range.
Keep positive, Im sending you all  


Take care
Sophie


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I am on day 7 of notethisterone and I'm finding the side effects really hard going.
My mood swings are terrible, I'm either crying for no reason, not even a trigger or I have uncontrollable rage. It's really tiring me out, I was ready to go to bed at 4pm yesterday and I have just had a nap - even though I had only been awake 3 hours. I can't stop eating, and that's one thing I really don't want to be doing! I have a load of work to do before I go back to work on Monday but have no motivation to even get dressed.

I just have to keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end!
I think that right now it's a very good job I am single because if I was with someone he would have left me by now!

S xx


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Goodmorning 
SMC hang in there, I have been in artificial menopause many many times due to my endometriosis, I remember once I was put for 6 months, I was only 23 and it has been terrible!!! The other times I could not bear it for more than 3 months as I was eating alive my at the time BF, I guess that helped to put an end to our relationship!! Having said that, I say buy a lot of healthy snacks don't keep junk food at home!! Try to think at the overall picture and as you adviced me, get as many distractions as possible!! Good luck my dear xxxxx


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## majestic (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi SMC sorry it's taken me a while to respond - thank you for your best wishes.  I have my first consultation tomorrow and I am a bag of nerves  .  Thanks for giving me the heads up on what to expect at the first meeting.  The main thing is that my journey has begun and I am thankful for that.  How are you getting on with your tx?

Best wishes to everyone else going through tx


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Sympathies - the side effects of all the drugs are one of the worst aspects.

I remember having to throw myself off the tube once (not at my intended stop) as I was downregulating and suddenly plunged into hot flush hell...felt like I was on fire - if there'd have been a fountain nearby I'd have jumped in it. Can't imagine what commuters must have thought as I was on the platform, with sweat pouring off me and stripping off my coat and jumper like a lunatic.


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## majestic (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi Violet66

Sorry to hear you went through this. The things we put our bodies through to reach our ultimate goal. Still it will all be worth it in the end.  I see from your signature that you suffered with fibroids - I too suffer with fibroids and was told this would prevent me from conceiving/carrying a pregnancy however I refused the operation (which in hindsight probably was a silly thing to do) but at the time I was not actively trying to get pregnant therefore decided to leave it for awhile.  Sorry to see you have had BFNs. Have you begun treatment again and if so what stage are you at? 

Wishing you all the best.


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hi Heddie 

Yes, i had my fibroids removed about three years ago. 

I did get a second opinion and, due to size of fibroids and the fact they grow in pregnancy, I decided to get them removed - at considerable expense!!

I've since had 3 x failed cycles and I'm not sure about what to do next to be honest. 

I have got it into my head that i'm one of those people for whom it just won't work.


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## majestic (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi Violet,

I have come to see that this journey is by no means easy - I am not sure whether my clinic will be able to help me what with being the wrong side of 40 and having fibroids but am trying to remain optimistic.  

Life can be so cruel and it is hard to remain positive when you feel the odds are stacked against you - easier said than done I know but I think these things are meant to test us but in the long run it makes us who we are - stronger and more determined.  It is good to take some time out  to think and decide upon your next course of action. 

I remember telling myself  my cut off point would be 40 - but as soon as I reached the big 40 and found myself single and childless, I knew I couldn’t just give up just like that.  I decided I had to do something hence found myself taking the single mother route. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting that I did not at least try. I hope the time you have spent will give you a renewed vigour to continue on with your journey and I wish you all the best.

xxx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Ladies, this journey is definitely not for the feint-hearted, that's for sure!

*Violet* - it sounds pretty tough! I had a few hairy moments the last couple of weeks, but I have to say I found Norethisterone much more diffcult to deal with compared to clomid, which surprised me, for some reason I thought it wouold be the other way round. I couldn't stand to be around most people, and being a secondary school teacher, teenagers were definitely in that group. Luckily, a lot of the time it was the Easter holidays but I don't know if being at home actually made me worse, far too much time to brood and get depressed.

*Heddie* - good luck at your appointment. Try not to worry, I was speaking to a friend who goes to the same clinic as me and she said that she had heard from a few people that the consultant I saw is THE one to get past, apparently he is really tough, so I'm sure yours will be much nicer.

AFM I am back in for my day 11 scan tomorrow, so I have been willing my body to create 2 perfectly formed follicles. I am a little nervous because all I can think about are the things that could go wrong!

Good luck ladies, wherever you are in your journey!

Sarah x


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hope it's good news at the scan Sarah. 

Heddie, I told myself I would:

never use donor eggs (used them 3 times) 
never have more than two cycles (I'm considering a 4th)
never go abroad for treatment (all treatment has been overseas)

.....good job we're allowed to change our minds eh? !


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