# end of the road



## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

A few weeks back we had our last ivf treatment and was told no more ivf for us. After 13 yrs we have decided to close the doors on trying to have a child.
I can honestly say it is so hard.I tried to carry on as normal but i finally went off to gp today and have been signed off with depression and anxiety for a week ....more if i need it, he has given me tablets too which i never thought i believed in, but well will give anything a go if it helps me get out of this black hole. thing is my employer has been so unsympathetic and just doesnt understand. i am worried i will lose my job.?? Can she do that?? Ijust feel i dont need any added worry. My dh has recently been made redundant so i am bringing the pennies in.
I am ashamed that i have given in but feel i just need some me time. i work with children and my gp thinks this is unhealthy and i should find another job, thing is i barely have the energy to get up in the morning let alone seek another career.
Sorry to rant but feel this is the place i can with people that truly understand.
Thanks for listening.
Sending everyone on here a big hug.
Shell 2


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Shell

So very sorry to read your message. 13 yrs is a long time....all those dreams and hopes shattered.  It is a lot to try to come to terms with, please don't be too hard on yourself.  It saddens and angers me that your boss is so unsympathetic, I truly believe that unless people have gone through this themselves they have no concept of how awful IF really is. Not sure it would help or if you have already tried but would it be possible to arrange a meeting with her when you feel up to it to try to explain just how bad you do feel? Sorry I don;t have any answers just wanted to give you a big hug, and to say that with time the pain does get less. You still have moments that smart its not something that goes away completely, however the real feeling of despair does slowly start to fade.  
Be gentle on yourself its OK to grieve. 

Jane x


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi Shell

It's so tough making the decision to stop having tx   I'm so sorry you have the added upset that your employer isn't understanding too   If you are concerned about your job we do have a work issues area where you can ask for advice and you need to request access.

Please don't feel ashamed, you have absolutely no need to. It is a grieving process that we go through and you need to give yourself time      I understand your feeling on the tablets but now i'm in a position to look back i know they definitely helped me get through things and am happy my gp recommended them to me. 

As Jane said it does get better. I had some very dark times but I remember a few months after making the decision to stop a huge wave of relief washed over me one day as i realised i didn't have a clue when i was due to ov or when af was about to arrive. I'd spent so long monitoring everything and realising i wasn't doing it any more felt like a huge weight had lifted. As the months have gone on I've had lots more of those moments of realisation to do with things connected to ttc and babies and each time i've felt so good as it's meant yet another step forward. 

Do let yourself grieve, i wish i had some magic words to take away the pain but it does get easier     

Amanda xx


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

thanks jane and amanda your words are so kind and make me feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am feeling less hazy today and know it is because i am having me time and dealing with things without having the worry of work!!!! I have made a decision to look for another job as even my gp has said working around children isnt a healthy environment. Also i have given so much to my boss especially lately as my manager is on maternity leave and im deputy i feel really let down that my boss cannot see that i am a human being with feelings rrrrrrrr sorry to rant!!!!!!
Anyway thanks once again 
have a good weekend
xxxxxxx


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