# Do you regard donor's children to be siblings to your child?



## confused1 (Jun 30, 2014)

I got concerned a few weeks ago. We went for a clinic that has "anonymous donor" policy. I didn't think of it as a big problem at a time, even though I would like the child (if we get one, mind you!) to meet our donor. But while being on the forum, I realised that many people wanted to get to know donor mainly because they wan their child to know their siblings. And this upsets me so much, that we are too far in the process to change our clinic, so that the child would be able to know its siblings.

On the other hand, I read an article the other day, where it was said that one donor was a "father" of 136 children (by donating his sperm)... Not sure what to make out of it really...


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hello

I'm having donor egg ivf and wouldn't view them as siblings, but I would be honest about treatment and help the child try to trace the donor at 18 if they wanted to

L


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

I'm the mummy of a donor sperm conceived child with another on the way (same donor). Personally I don't view the donor's other offspring as my children's siblings; they share half their genes but that doesn't make them siblings, just as not sharing genes doesn't make my DH not their father (hope that makes sense, it did in my head!). 


I have been contacted by the mother of a child conceived by the same donor, via the sperm bank we used, but DH and I discussed it and decided we don't want any contact at this stage. 


We will be telling our children about their origins (have already started in fact) and will leave it up to them whether they want to trace the donor and/or half siblings when they are legally old enough.


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## confused1 (Jun 30, 2014)

"DH and I discussed it and decided we don't want any contact at this stage." May I ask what you mean by that? Why not? And why "at this stage"? Is it likely that you'll change you mind?

I would love to do the same: to leave it up to the child to trace the donor and/or half siblings when they are legally old enough. But how will it be able to do that when the donor is anonimous?


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Are you in the UK?

Legally the child can apply at 16 for non indentifiable info and at 18 for indentifiable info, so its not 'unknown' donor really in the UK 

I agree with Carrie, I would want it to be the child's choice completely and making contact with 'siblings' at this point is a bad move

You get 2 types of donor recipients from what I have seen, 1 that cling on to the genetic link and view it as a whole extended family and those that view it as a donor egg/sperm and that's it, I'm sure there's many ladies Inbetween too 

L


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## confused1 (Jun 30, 2014)

No, we are in Norway and our clinic is in Prague... :-( (Egg donation is illegal in Norway.) So I am afraid that there is no way we can find out who the donor is.......................


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

I was admittedly curious to find out more but DH felt it would be weird; he doesn't view them as an extended family in the way that Lilly describes some people do. To be honest neither do I. We decided that once you know something, you can't "un-know" it and since it is really our children's decision, we will leave it up to them to decide when the time is right. 


I'm afraid I don't know the situation with regard to anonymous donors. Perhaps your clinic could advise? If people are able to trace half siblings, maybe there is a way to trace the donor as well?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

sorry to butt in just a question that always bugs me and i don't understand what the answer is... how on earth do donor conceived children avoid marrying each other? I mean in a family where everyone knows who is related to who, if someone gets a partner it's easy to work out they aren't a relative, but with anonymous donors etc, (especially if say 136!! children!!) how do they avoid a situation where siblings are trying to have children with each other? i can't fathom it out... imagine meeting the partner of your dreams, and trying to have children with them... only to find out later you were actually brother and sister..


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Ah ok

I can't imagine how I would feel in that situ, guess it makes it more likely people would never tell the child does it? 

I would support my child either way, we went to a seminar last year with 2 donor recipient couples one had an 18 year old unknown donor child and the child had no wish to trace them (I don't think 18 years ago the law was there to trace anyway) 

The donors are under no obligation to keep correct details updated but I imagine in 18 years it wouldn't be hard to find, my stepdad brought me up from 6 months and I never viewed him any different, I also have a half brother to my bio dad who I have no contact with and no wish to so maybe I view it different in not sure


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

GB, that is a very real possibility and in my view one reason people should be honest with their children about how they were conceived. Especially since there is evidence that siblings or half siblings have an attraction to each other when they don't know they are related   


Donor conceived children can apply to trace the donor before age 18 if they are planning to get married, for that very reason. Beyond that I'm afraid I don't know how you would avoid such a situation. Slightly scary thought to be honest


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

GB

They told us it happened once. Maybe that's why the law passes? Anyone can appt to see if they were donor conceived or not, I think they must limit the donations to other reduced the chances?


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

So sorry for typos in bed with the tail end of a migraine


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hope it eases off soon..


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Thanks GB, I have been DR l since 23rd May I'm struggling now


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

ooh crikey long downreg makes you feel horrible! ice cream! quick! administer chocolate! i downregged last year 2nd jun til 15th july so pretty similar... (worked out lucky for me though! good luck!     )


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

Ooh Lilly you poor thing   Hope you feel better soon   


In this country donors are limited to ten families; within each family can be as many children as the parents want / can afford   I know that our donor has reached his maximum ten uk families so there are at least nine half siblings out there, probably more. As he lives in the States though, and I'm not sure what restrictions - if any - apply there, he most likely has many more children in the USA as well as the ten families over here.


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Thank you both!

It won't be otd til Aug so have managed to stretch a DE cycle from May-Aug, praying it works as its been tough, would actually take an OE SP over this any day

GB its lovely to see your news so happy for you, and yours Carrie  

Do you think about him often Carrie? I'm sharing my donor with another lady, not sure if she has donated before x


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

Yes I do Lilly, he has made it possible for us to have the family we always dreamed of and I'll be eternally grateful. I'm not religious but often send out a sort of prayer of goodwill to him, wishing him a happy life in return for what he's done for us. I hope he knows how grateful we are and what an amazing thing he's done. I'd love to write to him one day but don't know where to start   


I also donated half of my eggs last year (egg share cycle) because I wanted to give something back and help someone the way we were helped, but sadly the last I heard my recipient wasn't pregnant   Gutted for her. 



Everything crossed that this is your cycle Hun


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