# Newbie - feeling rather lonely!!!



## cpopbrown (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi all

New gal on board.
I have for many years visited these sites but only as a looker in - think it was part of my denial process to be honest!. My husband and I have been trying for years unsuccessfully - we're both medically 'fine' therefore its unexplained infertility. After all those years wasted hoping and believing BFP was just round the corner I actually hoped they would find something so I could be 'fixed'. But no. I have started treatment 50 mg clomid - no suprise first 2 rounds a fat BFN - I was scanned last cycle and my follicles were growing to quickly? 17,19 & 14 on CD 11 - fertility nurse advised she might lower my dose to 25 mg!. Had bloods taken on CD 20 to see if I did ovulate though in the past all bloods barr one say that I do. Apparently hormone levels are lowish. So after all these years of hoping and being positive I think it;s really just hit me the chances of me becoming a mummy are dwindling. I know its the wrong way to think and I should be positive that Ive started treatment but I never comprehended how absolutely gutted I'd feel when AF came last week. I was an absolute wreck which is just not me. I was walking the dog with tears streaming down my cheeks. Pathetic eh. My DH is very good but sometimes I think he just doesn't see the bigger picture. I feel so empty and lonely just now I almost want to give up trying because facing the heartache every month might just be too much!- I have a good social circle but I am the one that is the shoulder to cry on so opening up isn;t going to happen. If I started crying I don't think I'd stop!! I just want to be a mummy and no one apart from maybe you reading this now will understand the emptiness I feel. Any feedback, news, success and advice would be greatly appreciated.   x


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Hi New Girl

Welcome! Yes I am sure all woman on this board know your feeling. For me I had the same feelings as you whilst doing clomid and again when I realised clomid wasn't working and I had to move on to some more severe treatment. Only know that somehow you get an inner strength to keep going and since you are at the clomid stage you have a whole manner of other treatments ahead of you to explore. Try not to be anxious or depressed but positive that there are other options available to you - which will one day give you your baby. Stay strong until then Xx


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## NatalieP (Mar 5, 2011)

hey cpopbrown

Oh how I know them feelings well, sometimes a good cry can do the world of good though. Sometimes even though we are used to pople leaning on us, we need to lean back too occasionally and it could be that this is the time to use there support. 

My best advice is listen to the specialist's and talk to people on here, to your hubby, friends etc.



Nat xxx


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

I just wanted to say hello and welcome, no need to feel alone, we are all in the same boat. 

I am having ICSI, we have male factor problems, so a slightly different situation to you but I totally relate to your feelings. I have been there and still go there ocassionally. I think because you are just starting treatment it is probably just hitting you. We did nothing for about 7 years and in a way we were just burying our heads in the sand, once you start trying properly and it doens't work it starts to get very scary. But the good news is you are doing something and as the other ladies say there are many options for you to try. Don't give up hope, it is disappointing when it doens't work but one day it will so keep hoping and try and stay positive. Come on here and talk about how you feel, you will always find someone who can relate. 

Mincepie X


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello and welcome to the madness that is Fertility Friends.
   this is such a hard journey. I've included a couple of links to other areas of FF:

*Fertility Investigations ~ *CLICK HERE

*Unexplained ~ *CLICK HERE

Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please shout!

We also have a chat room - which is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works.

*Newbie chat ~ *CLICK HERE

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.
Good luck,

  

Mini xx


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## heavenly (Sep 7, 2011)

Hi there, I am a newbie too.    

I do understand.  We tried for 4 years thinking it would just happen (which was very naive considering my age!) but now realise if Clomid doesn't work, which I will be starting this month, we will have to go down the ICSI route with egg donation, because of my age.  It's hard and confusing.  I do understand.  Seems to happen naturally to everyone you know, doesn't it!  But I like to think that it may take more work for us, but it will make us more appreciative when it does happen!!


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi there 
i'm a newbie too and i just wanted to say how i can totally relate to those feelings. Esp when i was on clomid..(i'm awaiting an appt at Exeter for UI...) clomid made me crazy and much more emotional than normal. I'm usually very good at holding myself together but the clomid made me cry at just about anything. if i wasn't crying i seemed to be shouting ! lol
I agree - sometimes admitting that it may not be the easy road you expect can be so hard to face. but this is a start of a new journey and fingers crossed the outcome will be very positive for you

good luck to everyone 
xxxx


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## kirstykb1 (Jan 4, 2012)

hi newby too
i 2 have just started clomid but didnt realise until i read this why all ov a sudden i have become extremely emotional and feel over welmoned with all the test n stuff i must be  the clomid all tho iam generally inpatient and desperate to be a mum the last 2month that i have been on it have been extremely worse we truly are all in the same boat
kirsty xxx


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## keldan89 (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi cpopbrown

I too can sympathize as I go through the same thing each month my AF arrives.   last month was my 1st clomid cycle & I was devastated when AF arrived 3 days before Christmas. 

We have unexplained fertility which I find so frustrating-to me it means 'we can't be bothered to complete all the tests you need to find out what the problem is'! No one seems to understand that it helps to have a reason!

Fingers crossed this month is better for you. Don't worry about having a good cry, it always makes me feel better.  Xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

HI Keldan89
we're unexplained too, and i so agree with your frustrations about the not having a proper reason to blame it on. It feels almost incomplete, i think a reason would almost give me something to blame it on. 
Agreed that a good cry helps.. watching one born every minute last night and i had a good old blub.. then wondered why i put myself through it. 

hey kirstykb1 - clomid made me mega emotional, i can't tell you how overwhelmed i felt about the strangest things. My poor hubby was great but i was a bit of a loose cannon! try to remind yourself its the drugs and not you... good luck,.

keep positive. 
xx


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## KITKATKP (Jan 5, 2012)

hi newbie, im also a newbie and like you just generally look at sites like this, I have been ttc for over 2 years now, found multiple problems and had two surgeries, I am 27 and to be honest I feel so tired, tired of all the tests, tired of all the drugs im on and tired of just feeling like im broken.

i think that the hardest bit is that no one knows, its not like you can just strike yp a conversation with someone who understands, yes you have your friends and you try and remain positive but i always feel so lonely

i consider myself to be an independent strong individual, i have a career, a good husband and a secure future, i never, ever thought that i would have problems and now it feels like im letting everyone down, 

anyway, just wanted you to know that your not on your own, even though i havent posted on here before i have found so much supportive information.

Keep your chin up and take care


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi Kitkatkp
just wanted to say i can relate to the feelings of being so tired and broken. My hubby has a daughter from a previous marriage and i feel so sad that i've let him down and my body has let me down by not doing what other people achieve without really trying. 
I've never joined a forum before but feel that i need support at the moment and more information from people who understand the roller coaster. You're right, having close friends doesn't always help when you just feel like you're going to explode. I've told a few people. My hubby has told lots more!!! at first it was a bit of a joke when he'd rush off as it was baby making time... 3 years later its not so funny..
We've heard the usual stop trying so hard... are you doing it right. ,.. blah blah.. i know its meant to make me feel better but inside my heart is breaking and i'm so angry at times and so sad at others. 
I'm 34 in March which i know isn't old but i feel it.. like life is on hold and we're waiting for this holy grail... so many emotions that other people dont give a second thought to,
anyway sorry to waffle but just wanted to say you're not alone i know how you feel. 
big hugs 
xx


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## KITKATKP (Jan 5, 2012)

Hi Eli thanks for that, nice to know that someone actually understands, know what you mean though, at first it was a joke with me and my husband but now it isnt so funny, i just wonder what have i done to make things so hard, the way i keep myself going it the thought of it will all be worth it in the end.

I think that we are the silent heroes, because we go through so much and have to battle our way through hormone treatments, tests, uncertainty etc 

anyone who has to deal with this and coped is truly amazing, i used to think i was strong, my husband says i am putting too much pressure on myself but what he doesnt realise is that i am trying so hard not to fixate and to keep working and take it a day at a time.

anyway sorry for me ranting on too but whats that saying its good to talk lol


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey kitkatkp
you haven't done anything to make it so hard, i think some people are just lucky and will never know the heart break of infertility. 
i've just had works drinks and had the whole conversation about a group of us ladies who are newly ish married and maternity leave
part of me wants to scream and the other half wants to cry... crazy ol world eh
you're right even going through all the treatment takes its toll but shows our strength,, hopefully one day we'll be such great mummies eh.... 
strong and understanding. . . 
you  keep positive .. and as for obsessing.. i'm not sure how to cope with that, infertility has changed me and my marriage - for the better and worse at times, its just so much pressure,. 
be strong
xxx


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## KITKATKP (Jan 5, 2012)

yeah i know, i mean when i got married you think of the future and with me its always been a family, now that it doesnt seem so certain it kind of gets me all confused, i have times where i think i would be better off on my own so i can deal with things and to leave my husband so he can find someone new so i dont rob him of being a fantastic dad

i know that sounds really morbid, my husband is v understanding and says he married me for me but its like if we cant hace a family will i be enough or will he just end up resenting me,

anyway feel free to pm me, are you going to be on chat next wednesday?


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## piggy22 (Jan 6, 2012)

although our stories are so very different i can really relate. I too feel lonely and can relate to how difficult your finding it to remain positive. Especially when like you i breakdown everytime my AF comes. Please dont think that your pathic, your really not. People just dont realise how heartwrenching this whole ordeal can be. Everytime i try to open up to someone about the pain i just get ridiculous advice or told to just relax and be patient cos it will naturally happen. Regardless im going to hang on and i hope you do too! someone on here told me to try every avenue because at least you wont have regrets regardless of what happens in the future. if u need to chat PM me xxx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi kitkatkp
i'm being a bit of a pleb and i cant see how to pm you - maybe you can pm me?!
dont feel guilty your dh married you for who you are -and anything more is  a bonus. 
familty kids family etc are all the icing on the cake. and i'm sure there are lots more avenues for you to look at before you give up.
its so hard and such a silent journey but keep positive and keep believing. . . 
xxx


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