# Contact



## Guest (Sep 18, 2008)

Just wondering if anyone has kids who still see their birth families?

I thought I was OK with it and wa ahppy as it was for the kids benefit  However they saw their BM yesterday and I found it really hard and I'm unsure how much the kids benefitted.  As they are now officially adopted, its at our discretion but I am torn as to whether it is truly beneficial for the kids or not.  

Luckily next contact is not due for about 6 months.  

Any thoughts or experiences anyone?

Bop


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Bop,

we should be having our first direct contact with paternal grandmother next month this is a yearly thing and the first one, I have the same opinion of you and wonder in who's benefit I am doing it for? my little one wont understand it is her granny and I hope it goes ok and doesnt upset things, we dont do direct contact with birth parents but I know the direct contact we have with granny will get fed back to them which makes me feel a little uneasy.

The only thing I can think is that perhaps they benefit when they are older and more issues come to light about there adoption perhaps it helps them come to terms with it a bit better and takes the mystery and fantasy away which often adopted chidren have about birth parents they never see.

Who knows for sure perhaps you will have to see how it goes and if it is becoming too distressing or detrimental to the childrens well being then maybe you need to have a chat with the social worker about it?

Its hard isnt it?

take care

Dawny

x


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## Guest (Sep 19, 2008)

Thanks Dawny

Hope your contact goes OK.  

I always said I would maintain contact as I thought it would help our children understand their past and enable them to ask the questions I can't answer.  However handing them over on Wednesday was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I am left feeling in two minds about it, especially as its raised more questions for them and certainly left the little one feeling very confused about who is who.  I think their birth mum would still like them back and hasn't managed to really let go, so that puts a lot of pressure on them to "act" as she wants them to.  

Will have to do some more thinking although at least I have some time before the enxt contact is due.  

Bop


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hiya

I think you thinking the right way bop in thinking if it is benefiting the children or not. Often contact (foster/adoption) benefits the parents more than the child. 
I have a sw going on at me again this week about whether they can tell his gran that he is being adopted by us. We have said no at the advice of the adoption unit for our security ( we are in same county) and also that we are foster carers and may have contact with others in the family at later date.

I would go with your gut instinct, if you feel it isnt benefiting them then you dont have to continue it. At least if you do stop it then you can say to them when they are older you gave it a go 

love and 
suzie x


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi thought I would reply as I have had a lot of experience with my three going for contact on a monthly until this month, I hated every moment of it. The thought of them with their hands on my children made my skin crawl, so I know how you feel it is awful at least it is only every six months.
I don't think it is to anyones benefit really as when my three go all they do is get fed lots of sweets and given toys and no communication at all.

Love K


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I have to say I think it benefits the birth parents more than the children & I'm grateful that my children don't have to do contact, in fact we don't do any form of contact any more but thats another story!

Love
Andrea
x

PS I should have added that whilst we were doing concurrency the baby was taken back to see her BPS 3 - 4 times a week for them to have contact with her & this was of great benefit for all especially as she was returned to them in the end BUT I do think its different for adopted children.......PLEASE don't have a go at me that s just my personal thoughts and we are entitled to our thoughts!

Andrea
x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Andrea, I couldn't agree with you more!
Love JD x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi andrea,

I'm with you on that one too.

Dawny
xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

I haven't had to do contact as nothing ha been set up (even though it was supposed to be) we tried to sort it out last year but never got any where and to be honest i'm quite relieved   i just hope that it doesn't effect my ds when he's older as the fact that bf haven't stuck to the contact agreement or any of the things they promised is just more rejection for him  

pam xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

This is probably not the best time for me to post this as I've had a bad day with DS.  However, I think it is the fact that he had contact with his BM 3 times a fortnight up to the point he was placed with us that is a large part of why he is so messed up emotionally now.  As far as I am concerned a large part of the time it is for the BP's benefit and unless a child is old enough to be emotionally secure it can only be confusing for them.

Anyway as I said I am rather upset and biased at the moment so please feel free to ignore this mini rant.

Cindy


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi cindy,

You are entitled to a rant if you are having a bad day and this is the best place to have one   I am on here now after a particularly bad morning with my little one who hasnt let me do anything all morning and I think I have had the quickest shower in history! she is back asleep now bless her.

I know what you mean about contact our little one also had regular contact with birth parents right up to coming to us and looking back now it can only have been done as a 'just in case they can turn themselves around to get her back' this really angers more as the emotional damage is then done even at a young age (ours was 13months when came to us) thankfully no direct contact with them now but find it strange that it was in our little one's best interest before  We are late doing our letterbox contact need to post it today Ijust found it really hard writing to them.

We have direct contact with paternal granny next month and havent heard a thing yet  so who knows.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Dawny
xx


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

We haven't had direct contact yet, so can't say from a personal experience.

A friend of ours is adopted and she said that she felt it really important that we showed BBB that we valued this 'other' part of his life. I guess allowing contact is one way of showing that?

All sounds good in theory - ask me again when our first contact comes round!!

HHH


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