# The difference in parenting adopted children



## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I often struggle to explain to people who haven't adopted, that my son's behaviour isn't always 'normal' toddler behaviour. Then I saw this on ******** and thought that, as it sums it up so well, I'd share it here: 

"I've tried to describe the difference between parenting our adopted children and our birth children over the years. My friends who have not adopted will often say that what we are dealing with is no different than their situations, or of someone that they know. It is hard to explain, because on the surface it doesn't sound that different. But for me it is as if someone has taken a situation and put it down on paper, and then come along with a bright yellow highlighter and colored over the words. 

There is something different-- it is highlighted, more intense, more urgent. It stands out and draws my parental attention in a more alarming way. And I realize that my feelings, my reactions, are also highlighted. They are more intense, more loaded with fear for this child's future and a deep awareness of the healing work that has yet to be complete. Maybe it is because I see that my biological children have, underneath the difficult issue we are facing together, a solid foundation of unshakable truth-- they know they are loved, they are safe, they are accepted. But when our adopted children are in the midst of a similar life-issue I sense a vulnerability that simply does not exist in our birth children. A behavior that in one may be simply an immature expression of a desire, or a character trait that needs some direction, or a season of testing, in the other is an expression of the residual fear of being rejected, of being unsafe, or of an illogical drive to remain in survival mode long after the need to do so is over. 
Do you know what I am talking about? Does this ring true?"


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## Baileywick (Aug 11, 2015)

Brilliant, so well put. I'm going to save this somewhere to help me explain when people (usually family  ) don't 'get it'


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks for that.

Fundamentally, most birth children live in the knowledge that nothing can separate them from the care of their parents.  That they will always be home, safe, loved, and protected, surrounded by familiar things.

Adopted children already know this isn't true.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Nicely summarised AoC. 

I keep having people tell me that DS's behaviour is completely normal, so much so that I started to almost believe them and wonder if I should switch to more traditional disciplinary methods. This article reminded me why I really need to stick to my guns and continue with my apparently 'soft' approach. There's just so much more underlying stuff there with him. I even notice the difference between him and DD, I suspect because she came to us at a younger age.


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