# Unsure whether I'm on pause or the titles have already rolled



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey All, 

My signature pretty much says where I've been so far  proud mum to 8 embies twniling in the night sky.

I'm here because after a few months away from FF and all things fertility related after two adoption initial visits (deferred for 12 months) at the end of 2013/start 2014.... I'm finding myself starting to think what is next... or even if at this point there is a next.....

I cherish the journey I've had and the people I've met, the most beautiful friendships FF brought me and the godkiddies it brought me too  But I guess I'm wondering if for me the movies ended... if my role will always be 'proud godparent/Aunty' or if there is some way I'm meant to become 'Mummy' in the sequel....

This site has brought me so much I guess I'm greedy to be wanting more but I'd love to natter with/talk with others in my position which at times can feel a little like I'm sat on a bench watching the rest of the world go by. 

xxxxxxxxxx


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## suze3004 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel. Since starting ivf, I have always assumed that eventually it would work and that I would get my longed for baby but after 4 cycles with own eggs/ sperm and one with double donor, I am starting to think that it might not actually happen. I am tryin one last FET at the moment and then my DH has said no more ivf. I don't think he even wants to consider adoption so not too sure where that leaves us. ...

Xx


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## mrsmcc7 (Aug 16, 2011)

Hey there missus.

I'm just past the stage you're at just now - we have 8 embryo stars in the sky, plus another two shining stars we sadly lost (natural BFP MC's)  

DH and I decided a while back, after our FET failed, that we were done.  For the sake of our sanity and our marriage it was time to call a halt to treatment and start to move on and build a life for us both.  It wasn't an easy choice by any means, but I think for everyone there is a tipping point and for us it was starting out with 8 perfect embryos, two being put back and failing, the other 6 were then thawed and we lost 4, then just to finish us off the two we put back were lost too.

I decided to take some time out and become an alturistic egg donor while we decided what we wanted to do next after the FET, and that gave me the distance I needed to be sure we were finished (as well as being able to help others going through the hell of IF)

It's now been almost a year since we called a halt, and I know we made the right decision.  We've started to enjoy being us again and our relationship is a whole lot better now the stress of treatment is gone.  For us adoption has never been an option, so although we always thought we'd have a future to plan with our baby we've just had to change those plans now.

If you want to chat feel free to PM me and I can give you my e-mail address.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Dear Suze, Thanks for your reply, though of course I wish in one way no-one was in the same boat   
I think like you I assumed, particularly after having all immune tests and pumping myself full of everything from thyroid drugs to blood thinners that it would be our time, particularly after the scratch and look at the old womb room, some how being told conditions all seemed perfect just made our twinkles being able to stay harder than before..... there were more why's not less. It was at this point even our amazing (and I mean amazing I'm truly blessed our journey was with someone who cared so deeply) Consultant agreed maybe my gut instinct was right and that my little own egg embies were not destined from this world in some medically unknown way... I always consoled myself with the fact that we'd decided to adopt before we'd even decided to have children (odd when I phrase it that way, but as a happily adopted child it was always on our radar we just naively thought birth children would come first).. so to then be told again we were perfect adoptive parents BUT my history of depression meant they couldn't carry on at the time.... well I'm pretty good and getting back up but even I more shuffled back up than bounced after that lol. 
I hope your little frostie is the miracle you've been waiting for, I'm not religious but I will keep you in my thoughts and ask 'anyone' listening to be with you ....Adoption isn't an easy topic for some, and I know not for everyone but you may yet be surprised, and if nothing else I hope IF needed he will consider it, and whether it could be right for you together with an open mind  
Xx

Hello MrsMCC  

Sorry to hear about your little twinkles and angels, I hope that like me there is some happiness in the short time they twinkled on this earth. I understand what you mean about a tipping point, I think many people reach a place, where if nothing else they know their path must change, even if not which one to take next (too many bloody paths if you ask me lol   )
I thinks it's amazing that you were an altruistic donor.... to help someone else reach their destination despite still travelling yourself is truly wonderful, and I know that IF we ever go back down the TX path we will be reliant on the courage and selflessness of a donor too.

'' It's now been almost a year since we called a halt, and I know we made the right decision.  We've started to enjoy being us again and our relationship is a whole lot better now the stress of treatment is gone. '' This I can very much relate to! I'm confused about many things but I KNOW it was the right time to stop OE treatment, and I'm glad that we took that part of our journey with the right clinic, had all the tests and tried all the drugs, because I have no 'what if's left' I feel they and we did our best, it's one less regret to carry and that's something I'm truly happy with.  



I hope this question doesn't offend but did either of you lovely ladies do anything to mark end of your current path? We sectioned off a small piece of border only about 5 ft across but laid it with beautiful white pebbles and fairy lights and fairy statues, when I see the lights twinkly at night I think of my embies, and I smile... I don't feel sad, I feel so happy because I know although they didn't stay, they WERE here, we got close  . It's so nice to have that little 'space' for them xxx

xxxxxxx


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## suze3004 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi there Mrs Bubble,  

That is such a nice thing you did to commemorate  your embies. We have never done anything like that, I wish we had...

Have you decided that enough is enough now or do you hope to carry on your journey in some way? 

Hi Mrsmcc, 

I'm so glad you have found peace, I really hope that if my final roll of the dice does not work then I can find the strength to do the same. My DH is already there and wants us to just enjoy our lives together but I am struggling to feel his positivity at the moment  

Xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey Suze,
Never to late to do something can be something bigger like us or even something small. A windchime/ornament or potted rose. In terms of what is next in honesty I do not know.... That's why I found myself here asking for chance to natter with those in a similar place.  In short I never thought we would 'stop trying' entirely but a year literally today we realised IVF/ICSI. was the past and six months ago we had our second adoption deferment, I suppose I'm less sure than ever what will happen next but I'm very thankful for the chance to matter with people like you who 'understand' 
How far through FET are you? Xxx


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## suze3004 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hiya, I am having this cycle at Serum in Athens and am hopefully due to fly out for transfer in a week or so depending on my lining scan. I just can't seem to feel very hopeful though as the fresh cycle did not work, why will this time be any different??. 

I have  been looking a lot into adoption lately and it looks like an even tougher journey than ivf! 


Xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Suze, you must be a couple of days off flying out... Keeping you in my     xxx

Well as for me, opening the FF box has brought up more than I though it would in honesty. There are clearly a few things that I truly did put on pause as opposed to 'deal with' I'm opening more to not completely ruling out donor to as an alternative to adoption that I perhaps was, but more out of contempt for what I feel are the inadequacies of the adoptive system than preference.

In a weird way I feel my eyes are opening to my 'current life' as if I'm waking from some some sort of post-failed tx/adoptive hibernation. 
Dealing with it in my usual way, in drubs and drabs while keeping myself distracted and targeted with things outside IF.  

One thing I am REALLY focusing on is my jelly belly, well to be truthful and fair... My life size sumo wrestler jelly bellied body suit  
I have joined the Cambridge Diet, and am hoping to loose the full 3st I've gained since starting tx back + an extra stone for luck   (a complimentary cake buffer zone) I figure whether we try more tx re attempt adoption OR simply try and build ourselves a  bearable childless life it will be better if I am healthier/medically less whale like! 

Hope All my fellow Limbo-ers are ok to xxxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

So there have been a couple of developments since I wrote, nothing crazy but small steps if nothing else. 

I am still in the same animated freeze frame, but lets say my inner script writers are at least now trying to negotiate future story lines. 

Last weekend saw me running a stall at a local Carnival for the organisation I volunteer for.... Right opposite me for the entire 7 hour duration was the County Council Adoption and Fostering bus, to say I saw the irony is an understatement! I sat/stood/paced and tried to ignore it for as long as I could but crumbled in the final couple of hours and decided to make a stealthy, non committal approach.....

Fast forward 30 minutes and the Head of the Adoption team had taken my details and promised to personally look at out 'file' this week to see if the deferment/note about pets could be reconsidered.

We got the call on Tuesday to say whilst she agreed with some of our concerns about our initial visit (especially the SWs personal bias on the pets issue)  she felt if we waited until January this would silence any concerns raised and we could move forward with them ......

The question is ... do I still want to, CAN I still go there ..... honestly I feel like maybe the scales of adoption have tipped to far away in the last six months, but then that leaves Donor or BUST.... 

So I still don't know where I'm going, or even when the next stage of the journey will begin but maybe there's some options still open if I can just find the strength and courage not to give up


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## Abijay (Oct 14, 2013)

Oh gosh, this thread almost made me cry. Sorry, hello, I'm new to this board after a break from ffs after bad ivf outcomes. Your posts have really moved me , I feel like I could have written some of them. Will check back in when im feeling stronger. Didn't expect to stumble across this in my first visit back to ff in a while. Kisses


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Abijay, 
I know to well how raw we can sometimes find things when we re-open this door after some time away. 
But this is a place we can find others who 'understand/empathise' that's a gift when we find our selves in a place in life that can be so isolating... My hugs go with you chick untill you're ready to be on FF again xxx


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## ellemay32 (Aug 23, 2012)

We  are also feeling which way to turn, its been more than a yr since we lost our precious baby at 16 weeks. Having seen the ivf consultants its like getting back on a treadmill but more hoops to jump through this time of which I dont think I have the emotional capacity to deal with. We had such a **** time losing josie, then it ripping my whole family apart to the point we no longer speak to my parents. Im surprised we have a marriage left. I feel done and beaten down but oh wants to keep tryin. Ive thought about adoption but I think it will be out of the question with us no longer speaking to my family. Personally I feel its a massive mess and the writing is on the wall. Sorry to rant on xxxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Elle, don't apologise ..... I can only imagine what you and your OH have been through, my friends lost their daughter aged 14 last year, my thoughts are with you.
Have you posted on the trying after loss board, sadly I know there are other ladies there with similar pasts who went on to further treatment, I'm sure they far better than me would be able to offer words of understanding and advice.

As for adoption and fractured families, sadly many families they see will have difficult relationships, I'm sure they would have questions and need to be sure you could offer a stable family life, and more importantly have. Strong aupport network around you despite your changes in family circumstance but many families are far from perfect xxxxxxxxxx


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## Abijay (Oct 14, 2013)

This is a wonderful thread. It's painfully honest... no wishful thinking, no hoping and praying, no 'PMA', just people being honest about where they are right now... the good, the bad and the ugly. Thanks all for your honesty.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

So we're nearing the end of July....... Have been a right moody mare the last week so know subconsciously I'm thinking of 'the days' . Had a close family friend over last night and she was asking what comes next, I'm open and have no problem with the people who know our history asking, it doesn't offend or agrivate me in anyway but seems we're being asked ALOT more often now some time has passed, which then makes me think 'well what are we going to do?' 10x more  

I try to imagine Jan 2015 like a hallway, there's three doors one marked 'adoption' one marked 'donor' and one marked 'wtf'  

I tell myself we don't have to decide until then but at the same time aggravate myself that I don't have next year 'planned' I won't even book a weekend away incase it clashes with one of my imaginary steps forward....

Half of me imagines myself after these years of long long waits tucking our beautiful little bubble/s into their beds by Christmas 2015.... The other half scoffs at this mutters 'as if' and reaches for a glass of Pinot (all hypothetical wine as on this diet hardest thing I'm getting to enjoy is a rare diet coke) 

If I'm here posting all this..... Then doesn't that mean that subconsciously I have already decided 'something' has to start ........ Or am I just looking for reassurance/soothing support to hide from the decisions until the monster called 'indecision' relocates from under my bead to a far away townhouse in Timbuktu ??

I think about my gorgeous god kids turning one in August, of lil Theo and his mums pending visit and I wonder if that's my allowance of 'luck and love' to be part of these wonderful children's/families lives but never bring them a 'cousin' .....

I'm sure I'm only half making sense but it's nice to get it out xxxx

My hubby bought me a black diamond ring this month, I'd always wanted one to remember our little twinkles..... After all there were never scans or names ...... 

I look at the pics of their little embie forms and think 'you could have been here now, with eyes, and arms and legs and smiles, perfect unique little people' I think about how good it felt to initially look at adoption, to entwine all the love we have waiting to be shared with the belief that we hadn't had a birth child because we were MEANT to find our little Bubble else where, that the universe had decided our beautiful child was meant to come to us another way, we had been chosen for a journey that hadn't begun yet.... Nothing, no life plan without children had ever been our plan.

Has it all gone so wrong because unknown to us, we would be crap as parents? Is the universe in fact trying to tell us to jog on and accept life alone together,
Am I horrible for not feeling that would be enough 


Questions
Questions
Questions

If anyone finds the missing instructions to Mrs Bubbles life plan please feel free to forward it on cause it must have fell out of the box when I was made


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## 2Buttons (Jul 11, 2012)

Hey mrs bubble, thank u for ur thought provoking post. I'm gonna give u my tuppence of advice.

1... If the doors confuse u, just take the first one.
2 or look further ahead, u mention babies by Xmas 2015, that doesn't sound like adoption to me.

I may be completely wrong, but my feel is that u want to try tx again with de, but maybe u r a bit afraid of getting hurt again - and I know how much it hurts but this 'fear' is creating an impasse and it's not a good reason not to do it. If u can afford it and ur partner is behind you, I say hitch up ur skirts make the apptmt and go for it! Even if it doesn't work u will still have moved forward     

Ps ur hallway scenario reminds me v much of psychotherapy and if u r really stuck u may need some help to undo these looping frustrated knots. 
Pps Ur DH sounds like a gem himself


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Dear Buttons, 

You're more than welcome to add your two pence anytime! Sometimes, talking options/it through helps it fall into place and I appreciate the advice  
In terms of the babies by Christmas 2015 comment, when I spoke with the head of adoption last week it was her that said in our area at the moment they are keen to have applicants approved and children placed within a max of 12 months (obv not always the case, but where I got dates from) 

I wouldn't say you're wrong at all about me being more and more open to further tx, I think what's confusing me is it's not for the reasons you'd assume.... in honesty I'm less scared of tx because there is no 'judgement' or reliance upon trusting an authority to be competent and make the right judgement calls, after our IV, and then even them disagreeing with their own initial judgement, I'm concerned that I've lost my faith in the 'system' of adoption. 

They've said come back in 2015 and all will be great... what if they change their minds again?

Plus I suppose within reason you can (if able to afford/cope) continue treatments of one form or another almost indefinitely, always hoping for 'next time' but we only have limited agencies we can approach, what if they all said no?

Hubby is  a sweetie to be fair, we like everyone have ups and downs but he has stood by me through everything and been my rock, I'm very lucky I suppose  

As for therapy, and this will sound terrible but I find it much easier to talk to 'normal folk' than those with a self righteous 'I have all the answers' stick up their bums lol 

xxxxxxxxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Morning all, 


So taking some of the advice here on board and instead of asking what I should do, I'm trying to explore WHY I feel how I do about each option, a bit like untangling a knotted shoelace if I'm honest, but sure once I find the right place to start in time I'll find things much less knotted/confused.


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## suze3004 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hey there Mrs Bubble, how are you doing? Have you made any decisions? Xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Bubbles I hope you don't mind I followed your story on the adoption board and was amazed at what an unbelievable spirited and strong person you are. I was deeply moved by your journey and can only hope with all my heart you eventually have your dreams come true one way or another 
You are an inspiration! 
Xxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hello my gorgeous lovelies! 

Sorry it's been so long since I posted here, have been staying away as life's been so hectic I suppose I haven't got much futher with the what next scenario  

I have been lapping up lots of time with my wonderful FF family (the soul sisters from another mister  and my 'nieces and nephews' that FF brought us) It's so amazing to see these wonderful families grow, and the little ones who I've literally known since they were little embies, grow and learn to walk and talk      Of course I also get to spoil them rotten the way only a mad old aunty can  

Kayla-Jade you're quite alright to follow me here, and you're EXTEREMLY kind words, have brought a warmth that I must thank you for  I don't think I'm any different from many ladies who face this difficult road, but if my story has helped/brought you any positivity then I'm glad for each word I wrote  

Suze3004 - No more decisions as such... Will explain below 


LIFE IN THE BACK END OF 2014 - 

So we are nearly at my favourite time of year (Halloween   ) What can I say I love the excitement of Halloween the costumes, the spooky silliness too, crisp autumn leaves underfoot and candle lit pumpkins   Yet again it's also the time of year that my 'this should of been the year that I ...' thoughts kick in...

See it's the time of year that marks the trio of family times, Halloween, bonfire and Xmas. The tiny little costumes, the pumpkin cuties, the little witches and spider suits ... you see ever since our journey started in 2007 each year as they come out I've said to myself 'Come on Mrs Bubbles, don your party hat and broom and this time next year you WILL have a baby bubbles to share it with, Mr Bubbles and you and baby Bubbles'  Then bonfire night I see my friends and their kids, sparklers and excitement... and I sit acutely feeling that empty space next to me. Christmas comes and there's no little creaks as tiny feet sneak along the floor boards early.. no excited laughter at 3am, just silence , well and the occasional cat fart.... Yes I do blame the cat.  

So maybe this year 'the 8th year' will be the last one BEFORE life begins again 

WHAT AND WHEN? ADOPTION-SURROGACY-DONOR

So we were told we could re-approach adoptive services in January 2015, we have decided to hold off on this until June time, it will give us some more time to improve our finances and hubby to complete his first year accounting course in May. 
We are under increasing pressure from a certain family member to go back down the tx route (dd abroad) but we think we will give adoption a last try first as further tx isn't what I or hubby honestly want in our hearts. Truthfully BOTH still scare me especially after so long away from them, but I'm hoping this additional time out will work in our favour based on them saying the main issue was time after my 'funny moment'  

My dear friend is still adamant she and her hubby are happy and willing to carry for us, infact I'm not sure how she'll top her gift last year at xmas ... 'A TURKEY BASTER' yes we did laugh .. But the multiple legal issues and emotional issues mean I just don't think that would be a route we could go down ... 

So for now, we really are 'ON PAUSE' but I will share my secrets with you as always my FF confidents. 


A NOTE TO BABY/BABIES BUBBLES: 

One day we will look at you, as you sleep soundly and all of this will be the past. 
I will breathe in every moment of you and know that every second that led to you being in my arms was as it needed to be. 
When I say 'I love you' I will mean and feel it with every cell of my body because I have been loving you all these years, even before we found each other. 

I will never take you for granted because I knew the grief of your absence even before you were born. 
I want nothing but your happiness, I will love you entirely for whoever your character leads you to be, all I ask of you is that one day when we find each other you'll be extra patient with me when I've got you in the 100th death grip cuddle of the day, when I ruffle your hair and tell you I love you in front of your friends and act so 'uncool' But you see, you will be my miracle xxxxxxxxx


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## melloumaw (Feb 2, 2012)




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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Mrs Bubbles you make me laugh  .....and you made me cry. Those words to your baby bubbles, you hit every chord in my heart with them.  Sometimes I struggle to put into words what I feel for my baby to be, you put them beautifully and succinctly .  I looked at my Godchildren with love today and thought my God if I feel like this looking at them what will it feel like when I look at my baby?!  You put the answer to that question into words for me and, I suspect, thousands of others.  Thank you and      xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Dear MissMayhem,

It's good too have a good chuckle and indeed the occasional tear, keeps the balance  

While I wish NO ONE faced IF I am glad my words resonate to others, FF is the one place where we can share this crazy little section of our life journey, without shame or concern... Say is as it is sisters  

SATURDAY AND A HALF

Today someone very kindly 'ahem' tried to tackle a deep discussion about out future fertility options and what we should/could do next while hubby was up a ladder putting some curtain poles up for friends in their new home!  I'm quite open... Maybe at times too much so but even I found this timing a little odd especially when he told me he'd been thinking about me the other day and had I considered a 'womb transplant, like that lady on the news'  well I had to smile .... What else can you do......  

I'm beginning to consider wearing a badge/t-shirt that's says 'Awaiting Further Instructions' and just point to it and salute when asked 'So, what's next? Has anything changed?' 

Dawn French is on tour at the minute and did quite an honest and wonderful section about her own fertility issues,
I just hope I am handling my own 'Tales from the womb room' issues with the same good humour and grace, even on the days when my arms feel the most empty

I hope it's ok that I post a bit more often despite the script writers still being on hiatus, as it's quite cathartic really sharing and processing my additional stretch in the holding cell. 

Kisses and wishes for a smashing weekend to all, for whether our journeys are just starting, over, or on pause WE are here together and that wonderful company and understanding makes it a kinder place to be 
Xxxxxxxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

So after posting that NOTHING would happen until June, I don't know what made me do it, but I did... I've called another adoption agency (just for an informal chat) I think I/we want to know when/if we are ready to go back next year it doesn't necessarily need to be with the same people.

I'm going to be 100% honest about where we are at, what's come before and see what they say, but maybe a new agency for our new attempt would be best, after all, surely choosing your LA/VA should be as much about whether that network is right for YOU , as it is if you are right for THEM.

Coming back here, re-reading my journey this week all the way from the start of treatment in 2011 has re-opened my eyes to one thing.. I am not ABLE to give up yet, I want to be a mummy more than anything, more than breathing... only hope, courage and a whole lot of luck can make that happen.... I've written to my babies here more than once, to say I won't give up, that one day I will find them... to not move forward would be to tell myself I gave up, that I wasn't willing to risk it all for something so precious...

Bloody hell I guess that's it, 2015 will see things happen one way or another I suppose I'm not ready to move on ... I MAY BE ON PAUSE BUT THE TITLES HAVE NOT ROLLED YET XXXX

I suppose my time on this board is done ?

Time to pack up and begin again, friends always welcome to join me for the journey xxx
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=314003.new#new


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