# Maybe I'm not alone.....



## Sarah D (Jul 27, 2004)

Hi

I tried to concieve for 10 year plus, came off the pill (how stupid does that sound now) 3 months before we got married in 1998 in hope that I would be able to announce our pregnancy on our wedding day - how simplistic life seemed then!! I have had in the region of 14 ICSI cycles with other FET's all BFN's expect for one chemical..... believe me that was a big deal only glimmer of hope we ever had - how twisted our views become eh!

I have not been onto this site in what feels like years... I was starting to find it too hard, I got to the stage where I could not have cycle buddies as if other announced their BFP's before my result, I almost felt like the luck had been used up therefore my cycle would not work, so hard to explain in words but the craziness in my head dictated everything. I also started to feel when I looked at people histories on the bottom of their posts (by the way I gave up updating mine) that I had been through more than everyone else which then made me feel more sorry for myself. I couldn't find anyone who had done treatment as much as me yet BFP's popped up everywhere - why not me. 

I will never give up that deep longing to make a dear dear husband so proud of me and give him what I know would make him so so happy. I still long to get a fat tummy and stretch marks, but hey I have no power over my path I now realise. Well I suppose I have some we now live in Adelaide Australia, and there is no way we would be here if it wasn't for our IF journey. We had to make a drastic change in our lifes - I needed something to life for again. I do try to look at the positives in my life, and I do like my life with my DH, my fluffy babies (my dogs), the beach, the weather and lifestyle. But I still say to myself everyday why me?

I still pray every month that a miracle may have happened and I have concieved naturally - isn't that what everyone says !!! stop trying, relax and it'll happed !!! HELLO - 10 year later isn't that long enough.

Maybe I will never experience a baby, that won't be fair, but I do try to think of others, I believe it has made me a more compassionate and understanding person (I hope). So many people so through life with terrible hardships, I have to keep perspective (I will keep trying). IF has been a huge factor in my life and shaped it in different ways, I even have a fertility goddess tattooed on my back, as no matter what happened it is my life....

I send my love to you all, and think of all of you that still find seeing those damn letters BFP so hard to handle,

Sarah D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Sarah D

You are def not alone - have you read the "bitter and twisted" thread - well it is not bitter and twisted, but more frank and honest as i have said in a post on there - anyway, the feelings you expressed are those that i have experienced although I have not been through as many tx as you, because i think i was in denial for so long and to be honest very afraid of failing - the fact that you put yourself through all those tx shows that you are brave. It takes such alot of inner strength to go through this IF rollercoaster and I am so glad that you and your DH are happy in your new life - maybe the fact that you are no longer in the UK means that you can perhaps draw a line under that part of your life, yet never give up hope. We all have that little part of us that tells us o matter how remote it might just happen to us - if we didn't have that we may just go mad!

Take care and carry on hoping!

NBrxxxxx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Sara

I'm so sorry to see all the loss you have experienced   i can't imagine what you and DH have been through, you sound very strong and I'm pleased you have been able to move to a beautiful sunny part of the world  

I just wanted to give you a big hug  

I think there is a thread on this board about how to switch off other users signatures and pictures which you may find useful in the future  

I too carry that awful sense of not being able to give DH a child....i also feel like a terrible failure as a daughter, sister and friend but most of all just as a woman. I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. It's a hard thing to deal with but it sounds like you are trying hard to move on  

It is wonderful that you have been able to turn your anguish into compassion for others....i truly believe IF makes you a stronger person.....we are life's warriors. We go about our business just like everyone else but we carry a huge weight with us which no one else can see or even begin to understand....it's tiring.

I too have been thinking about getting a tattoo to mark my experiences with IF, it's something i feel really strongly about but i have yet to convince DH  

Take care
Florie x


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## Kookymare (Aug 12, 2008)

Sara
sending you a big


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Sarah...
Thank you for sharing your story with us, you have been through so much and are a very courageous lady.

You never failed the treatment, the treatment failed you... as we here know there is definitely no rhyme or reason why it works for some people and why it doesn't for others. I am sorry you have been through so much suffering, IF and treatment really takes it out of you, it can take a long time getting back to who you want to be, often you end up like a slightly different version of the person you once were.

I think the hardest thing through all of this is whilst going through treatment there is always that tiny glimmer of hope - and once the hope has gone, it's incredibly difficult to know where to turn and what to do next.

Good for you emigrating to Australia - I wish both you and your DH and your fluffy babies the very best. I hope you'll feel able to stick around here for a while? You are most welcome.

Love
Emcee x


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## Francie (Mar 11, 2008)

Hi Sarah

I just wanted to say you are definitely not alone! You described so well exactly what I feel about other people's BFPs. It's so horrible to feel resentful about other people's happy news but how can we not when time and again, people who haven't been trying for nearly as long get pregnant. Imagine if it was something else, like a work promotion or buying a new house, and we kept going for it but other people always got it, nobody would expect us to be happy for them. But somehow with other people's "happy news" we're expected to join in.

I also know_ exactly_ what you mean about cycle buddies using up the luck. Sometimes I have jokingly (with the humour of the gallows) thought about renting myself out as the ultimate cycle buddy because whatever can go wrong for me will, leaving the luck for the other person. Over the years I have got close to many women who have been struggling with pregnancy loss and infertility, sharing support and advice. All of those have gone on to get pregnant and have one or two babies. I have become so used to the way mutual support turns overnight to embarrassed avoidance when the other person gets the long for BFP. Some of these women have gone on to be grossly insensitive to my situation (one even ended our friendship saying she didn't want to have to feel guilty for being pregnant!). As they say converts make the best zealots. I had a "friend" who got pregnant with her 2nd IVF and kept telling me "IVF is a numbers game. You just have to be determined enough and you will get there in the end". Yeah, right! 30 grand later I can confirm that it is NOT the case!

I've had nowhere near as much treatment as you and I feel totally cheated, spent, exhausted by false hope followed by crushing disappointment again and again. You are a very brave and strong woman to go through what you have and still be able to see the postive aspects of your life. I really like what Emcee said. The treatment failed you, not the other way round. I hope your life in the sun with your dogs (sounds wonderful!) brings you all the happiness you deserve after so many years of loss. Thanks for posting.

XXXX


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## Sarah D (Jul 27, 2004)

Oh My God.............. 
You ladies are so so wonderful, and it really does help to know other people really DO understand because sometimes you really feel alone. Nbr you are so right without 'hope' what would be - completely barking!!!

Florie - go for the tattoo, its your body and DH will get used to it. It helped me to realised that IF is not something I am supposed - or need -to hide. 

Emcee your words were beautiful and I have never thought of it as the treatment failing me, but so much truth in there its scary. I will stick around here I feel better about it now, although willbe on at different times to you guys no doubt, unless lots of crazy insominacs out there..

Francie its is so nice to know you think the same, it would tear you in half eh!!! One side of youu needed the cycle buddies for support otherside just knows you're the one its not gonna work for!! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH IF sucks!

Anyway you lovely, beautiful ladies thank you for youe wonderful words its has TRULY brightened my day. Sending you all big hugs ...

Sarah D xxxxxxxxx


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## Sarah D (Jul 27, 2004)

kookymare wanted to thank you fo rmy hug too xxxxxx


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