# Who did you/will you tell about your treatment?



## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

(Apologies if this is a double post, I could have sworn I saw a post like this but for the life of me I can no longer find it, and I bet it's staring me right in the face!)

Who did/will you tell about your treatment?

For me, I am choosing to not tell many people about my treatment at all, except a couple of very close friends who I can trust with my life and you lovely ladies. I am not ashamed of my choice at all, but I have a few reasons:

[list type=decimal]
[*]My mother is against anything out of the ordinary when it comes to family. She was adopted and very much resents that, so the fact that I will be a single mother is "strange" enough. She'll warm to the fact that I'm pregnant and will love being a grandmother I have no doubt at all, but being a woman who once ignored me for three months over something extremely trivial which she did not approve of, I really do not need it. It's easier to just keep the facts simple with her!
[*]I cannot handle people's disapproving comments and judgments about something that has nothing to do with them.
[*]I feel that this decision, and the knowledge of my child's father is only the business of me and my child. If my child chooses to tell people when they are old enough to know, then that's their choice, but it's not my decision to tell people for them. 
[*]Just for a giggle, I like to leave people, especially people I work with (ie. not my friends) wondering...
[/list]

The only friends that I will tell are one friend who is pleading for me to let her accompany me to the treatment sessions, and two close friends who have already discussed the option of DI with me previously as it's something they would consider themselves.

I work in a large office and do not like my business being known by people I am not friends with. The entire place, as many of you are probably familiar with, is like a gossip mill. I'm planning on keeping my information out of that place and all the nosy people can just keep wondering what the story is I guess! They care far too much about people they don't make an effort to get to know


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi politta - I told very few people about treatment mostly because I am a very private person & its nobodies business!  I wouldn't ask a coupled person "so when are you planning on having sex to conceive" so don't expect to share that with random people!  Even when I got pregnant with my first I was like you and was secretly quite amused with the puzzled looks on people' s faces who were obviously trying to work out if they had missed something!  However, now I have 2 little beauties I am open wiht people that they are donor conceived as I am proud of both my choices & my little people.  I think people tend to be in 2 types on this - those who are really open and those who prefer their privacy.  i know there were a number of people who told loads of people they were having treatment and regretted how many random strangers knew their business.  I think you have to make a decision based on how you live the rest of your life.  If you are normally very open and share your life with people readily then treatment fits in with this.  If however you are normally private then this is a private choice & not something you should feel compelled to share.
Good luck whatever you do....


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

Hi Pollita

I totally agree with you on the reasons for not telling people.  So far I have told one close friend who didn't really get it so I've left it there.  I might bring the subject up again with her when I start treatment as I could do with some support but at the moment I'm literally on my own.  I totally agree with you about the work situation I won't be telling anyone at work and at the moment they all still think I'm engaged!  I'm not going out of my way to make out I'm living the dream and planning a wedding I have just chosen not to tell them because if I get pregnant it makes it easier for them to assume he is the dad and I won't be correcting them if that's what they assume.  I'm a very private person and as I don't consider any of my work colleagues to be friends I don't think it is there business to know what's going on in my personal life, they didn't know I had a boyfriend until I came in one day and announced my engagement lol!  I am in no way ashamed of my decision to become a single mum through donor conception and if my child decides to tell people when they are older that is their choice.  I would love to be able to talk to my mum about this but like you I don't think she'd be too keen on the idea and probably try and talk me out of it but once I'm pregnant there isn't a lot she could say.  I know she will support me no matter what I just think I'm better waiting until I have some news because I'll have enough stress to deal with without people trying to put me off the idea!  I am finding it hard at work not being able to just say I'm not engaged anymore but I certainly don't go about boasting about my relationship its just awkward if someone asks what I'm doing at the weekend or if we have made any wedding plans yet.  I'm tending to keep it short and change the subject as quickly as possible!  I can't wait to walk in one day and say I'm single and pregnant!

Good luck 

T x


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I told a few close friends when i started tx - i ended up having a fair few cycles and bumps in the road so the number of friends that knew slowly expanded. I didnt tell anyone at work apart from a couple of people i am close friends with out side of work until my last cycle then i told a very supportive colleague i trusted as i needed support at work to juggle things but i know for a fact no one of them told a soul. It was very useful for me to have someone i trusted at work to help with keeping it quiet and sorting out my shifts around tx- I managed to work a night shift fly to denmark on early flight have tx and fly back in time for my next night shift once! could only of managed these things with help. If you have told a few people its helpful for them to know who else knows as i did have a couple of friends who where grateful of someone else they talk about it with when they were worried about me.

I told my parents as i felt personally it would be easyier to tell at tx stage rather than pregnancy and i had got all the wobbles they had about it out the way before i got pregnant.

When i got pregnant i didnt tell anyone anything- close friends already knew as they knew about tx- i just told work i was pregnant and gave no further information and announced it on ** when i was around 16 weeks. ONce piece of advice i would give is when you are successful anyone you tell make sure you give them implcict instructions about what you want them to say to others as i didnt do this and it put friends in difficult sitation no knowing what to say !


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I told my mum and 2 sisters before I started, I wanted to be sure I would have their support (which I did   )

I also told quite a few good friends either before I started or in the early days. And gradually over the 4 yrs of trying I told pretty much all my friends. When tx starts to take over your life (which it does when you have so many cycles I think...) then you find you sort of have to tell people because otherwise you don't know what to talk to them about! 

I only told 2 people at work though throughout the whole time, one a good friend outside work as well who didn't work in the same department as me, the other a guy on my team who I get on v well with and who I knew I could trust to a) not tell anyone else and b) cover for me if necessary (ie when I had to dash off at short notice for scans etc)

Once I was pregnant I told people at work the truth if they asked - most didn't ask though   

Think it's v much a personal decision. I was glad to have friends and family supporting me along the way but it was tough especially on 2WW and test day when everyone wanted to know and telling them about the BFNs was very hard   
On my last attempt I didn't tell many people I was actually cycling - that worked well as then I wasn't under pressure during the 2WW and even managed to get to 7-8 weeks without telling people. From that point on I was so sick I couldn't go anywhere/do anything so it became obvious pretty quickly!

Suitcase
x


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Like Suity I told few people initially, but as I ended up having 10 cycles of treatment over 3 years I ended up being more open towards the end (it was too hard to have 4 trips to Cape Town in a year without people wondering what you're up to! And when I had the m/c I had to suddenly take a week off work and tell my management why). 

It gets easier once you've had a bit of practise! Now that Rosebud is here, like Grace I am open about Rosebud's origins and tell people that she is donor conceived if asked. Some people ask questions about the IVF process and how I picked the donors, but if this helps them understand how wanted and precious Rosebud is then I'm completely fine with this - if they ask about the donors I give a few high level details but then say that beyond that the information is for Rosebud to have and I don't share it. It's also easier to get the questions out of the way and then people just focus on Rosebud and usually don't mention it again - it's just part of her identity but not important to them.

I find it easier to be open, direct and honest but to have boundaries on what I'll say and what I won't say and be consistent - I'd get too confused if I told different people different stories and I'd forget which story I'd told to which person! 

Good luck - as long as you're comfortable with who you tell and what you say then that's all that matters.

Rose xx


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