# Colleague pregnant, would love advice



## Duckling

Hi, I hope I’ve posted this in the right place.
I hope someone can help a little, my dh has really tried but…

On Friday my LSA (learning support assistant) told me that she is pregnant. I managed to congratulate her and be really nice but spent the rest of the day on the brink of tears whilst flashing huge smiles at everyone. I must have looked really weird!
I have spent the weekend in tears, wracking my brain to think how I can sort things. I’ve looked for a new job, but realised that even if I get one, by the time I work my notice, it will be July.
I just cannot cope with the baby chat and the growing bump. She is one of the very few people that know about the IVF and I think she will try to be sensitive but as for other staff – from experience – definitely not. Though to be fair they don’t know, though they’ve surely sussed something’s up – I’m 40 in a few months and have had time off for treatment. Another member of staff that I didn’t know well was pregnant last year and the only way I coped was to blank her. Really awful I know, but I couldn’t look at her. This isn't an option this time.
I feel so so mean and nasty and irrational but I hurt so much. She is only 22 and a lovely girl.
Any advice would be really really appreciated.

Thankyou, Duckling x


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## mollymittens

Hi Duckling,

I know how u feel. I am also a teacher and one of my collegues came to me to ask advice about ivf during my first pregnancy. This summer during my 2nd pregnancy she was going through her treatment, I was there for her every step of the way. She is now pregnant with twins and I am again without my precious babies.
My best friend also got marrried in Oct, and her and her husband are me and dh's last friends without babies, but I know that they are trying like mad to get preggers. I am terrified as I really dont think that I will be able to handle it.
After my second loss I realised that I had to try to come to terms with the fact that it is not anybody else's fault that we have been dealt some awful blows.
I do find it really hard though when baby talk starts in the staffroom and often excuse myself and sit on the toilet trying not to cry. It is really awful but as the Killers song says "smile like u mean it". Hard I know but hold ur head up, be strong, we are all here for u and feel ur pain.
x


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## Duckling

Hi Mollymittens,
Thankyou for taking the time to reply. It's just really nice to talk to someone who knows how it feels. There is no magic answer is there? I think I realise that now. I genuinely do feel pleased for her, just unhappy for me!
Wishing you lots and of luck for the future. Reading your history and your message helps me to be brave. x


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## mollymittens

Duckling,
I know how u feel, no explanation required.
Send me a message offline anytime.
Stay strong.
Lots of baby dust
molly x


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## Jinglebell

Hi Duckling,



There is a teachers' thread if ever you feel like joining us.  I think it's such a difficult job to do if you are having tx.  

If you do a search and type in 'teachers' and 'tx', you should find us!

J x


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## Duckling

Thanks Jinglebell, (I love your name.) I will definitely try finding it. I am a bit of a lurker so it might take a bit
of time and courage to join in, but it would be great to talk to people in a similar situation. x

Mollymittens - that's really kind, thankyou x


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## Irish Dee

Hello,

Just wanted to share this post I wrote about this very subject.  

******************************************************
OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy.  I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world.  It is the thing that we share on FF.  

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## Klingon Princess

duckling, I'm sorry theres no advice I can give you , but I can offer a big hug.  I understand exactly where you afre coming from.  The same thing happened to me.  to make it worse the girl in question announced her pregnancy the same day I lost mine.  She was 17 years younger than me and her boyfriend was a drug addict, it seemed so unfair and every time I saw her, I felt like she had taken what was rightfully mine and at times I hated her for it.  Everyone at work fussed over her all the time, right in front of me, even though they knew what had happened to me and I spent so much time crying in the toilets.
I can tell you it does eventually get better, although in my case it took a while. she's on maternity now and her baby is 6 weeks old, born within a week of my due date.  The day she went on leave was the worst I think and after that I feel like I was able to start healing.

hugs
Kehlan


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## Duckling

Hi Irish Dee, that's a fantastic post! So absolutely right - have read it out loud to dh and he agrees completely. As well as helping so much that other people do understand and do feel the same way, it also helps with the guilt and the loneliness to read a post like yours. So thankyou. x

Klingon Princess, thankyou so much for your message. Just knowing I'm not alone, that you felt the same way and you got through it, helps so much.

Also noticed girls that you're both thinking of having your next treatment in April. Me too (have had to delay things as dh just been diagnosed with 'significant heart failure - cardiomyopathy'!) So I'll look out for you on here. 

Lots of luck and a big thankyou to everyone who has replied.x


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## Dell Boy

Dear Duckling,

I work in a small office with four other people two of which are both expecting babies within a week of one another in May/June, we lost ours in November so we would have been due about the same time, it is a living nightmare, been through the scans, buying of clothes, maternity leave entitlements the whole lot, they speak as if i don't understand and cant comprehend and give me advise how to get pregnant, great, just feel totally left out it and to be honest a little bit of a failure, after four attempts not only are we facing the prospect of not having kids, we are also £35,000 in debt because of this, living on the breadline and face the real possibility of selling the home to meet the debt, meanwhile Mr and Mrs we're having kids are planning holidays also, one of the pregnancies was not even planned and the chap here has the most awful diet, drinks, smokes and rarely showers, maybe thats where i went wrong, i don't think fair comes into it love, it life was fair we'd both have 2-3 kids by now, missed opportunities, bad timing, lack of knowledge, bad lifestyle, there are a host of reasons why we don't have any children, its not something i believe should weigh us down for the rest of our lives but we have to do the best we can and as someone said here, smile as if you mean it, on the positive side I'm also a believer of the school of thought that says if you want something badly you'll get, you just got to believe that, don't stop trying, sometimes when i see older people than us who don't have kids and did not want them i think they look a little odd and arkward especially around children as most often that don't know how to interact with them, i really do not want to get like that, that is not the reason for having children but the prospect of not having them is making me look at these people in a different light, oh how i wish i could change the clock back 10 years, i would do it so much differently but i guess thats just part of life, keep your chin up, keep believing and stay positive, it all helps


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## cardi

Gosh, huge hugs to you all - I'm so sorry to read everyone's sad and heartfelt posts and hear of your struggles.  

    

I have found them all a comfort though, so thank you.  I'm in the same boat as many of you - 3 failed IVFs, ttc for nearly 7 years, an 'old bird' (   ) plus every friend I can think of is either pg or has had their kids - it can sure torture you.  I would just like one day to see a positive pee stick.

I try to keep telling myself that everyone is on a different journey through life - we can't compare ourselves to anyone else - you just must make the best of the cards you've been dealt.  THEN WHY CAN'T I LISTEN TO MY OWN ADVICE??!!  

What really helps me and DH is that we both feel that we WILL have a family no matter what, and although we're not embarking down the adoption route yet (I feel I've a few more IVFs in me - provided we can afford it of course) it's a strong possibility. I know that we're very lucky that we both feel the same way about that.  That thought really helps me get through the tough times - I try to remind myself that, although surrounded by other people's joy as they rub their big bellies is still flippin' hard.

Thank goodness for this site eh and people like you guys!!

Good luck everyone  

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Irish Dee

It's important to remember.....................

As we embark on our 3rd cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.  

I try to picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts.  We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then.  But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have....................  

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## Frizzie

Hello everyone,

It is so helpful to read everyone's post and share difficult situations.  Before I tell you about me, I just want to send heartfelt hugs to everyone on here who has been through so much.  It is so hard. 

I am in a tricky situation as my sister is expecting her first baby.  After her announcement at 7 weeks I have been going through IVF(ICSI) number 6 and got another (she sighs!) negative test result about 10 days ago and have been devasted.  I have not seen my sister since her announcement and am really dreading the thought of the first meeting where I will see 'the bump'.  She now knows about my situation, but only recently.  Anyhow - it is the big one this weekend isn't it?  Mother's Day - dear god if I get sent another marketing email with Mother's Day offers I will scream!!  Well I and DH are going to my parents this Sunday evening for tea and now my sister wants to visit that day too (well my mum is her mum after all), so because my parents know I can't cope seeing her right now they have juggled our visits around to avoid each other.  How ridiculous is this sounding?!  But at the same time, I just can't do it - not this weekend - not on Mother's Day.  I feel guilty for feeling like this, but I know I will be overcome with emotion, tears, sadness and so on when I see her and I am so exhausted coping with the pain of the last negative cycle that I just can't deal with it right now.  Please tell me I am not a monster and it will get easier?  I have to get over this, I can't avoid her until the baby is born.  I could also tell my mum had a slight 'edge' in her voice telling me about my sister visiting.  Mum has been brilliant and this is the first treatment cycle she has known about and been through with me and she was so upset for me, but I not sure how long my parent's sympathy and patience will run with this situation.. tricky hey.  Any tips that don't involve digging a hole in the garden and hiding for 6 months!!? 
xxxx


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## Duckling

Hi everyone,
Dell Boy,
You poor thing. It must be torture being in work! I understand completely what you say about being a failure. I'm the oldest in our department and feel like I'm strange or weird for not having children. I think that the parents of the kids I teach think it too.

Cardi,
It does help so much to hear that others are in the same situation doesn't it? I agree with you - we're thinking more and more about adoption and I feel very lucky that my husband feels the same way.

Irish Dee,
You are right - as desperate as I am for a child, I wouldn't swap my life for any of my friends'. 

It is hard when you're in the middle of it, but I know I am very lucky compared to lots of people. It's just that the baby issue becomes overwhelming doesn't it? I'm often shocked that for someone so sensible (well mostly!) I have such strong overwhelming feelings that knock me sideways.


Frizzie, 
You poor, poor thing. You are not a monster! I know what you mean – as well as the pain and hurt, you also feel so mean and selfish and irrational. I would say that what you are feeling is completely normal. My sister and sister-in-law had babies the same time two years ago. My sister in law with IVF, but is expecting baby number 2 (conceived naturally!) any day now. I made a right fuss about visiting my parents in law on Boxing Day and spent the day unable to look her in the eye. 
If it helps at all my colleague came to speak to me this week to ask if I was ok about her pregnancy and I explained that I was worried about spoiling things for her and I didn’t want her to think that I wasn’t delighted for her, but – there are going to be times when I will find it difficult, when I may have to walk out of the room, and I won’t be able to join in the baby gossip. I think your sister has an important role to play and really needs to understand. Do you think maybe it would help to have a chat with her now? I know the next few months will still be really hard, but it might make you feel a little better. 
I really feel for you. x

I really really hope all our dreams come true. (Why oh why is it so easy for so many, but not us?) 
Lots and lots of luck to you all. xxx


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## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥

I had to sit through 2 pregnancies at work while i was going through failed txs. They knew about my txs and were sensitive towards me but other people did not know so i had the constant baby chat and excited 'ooohs and ahhhhs'!  

I remember one day listenng to someone shout and scream in excitment outside at the news of one the pgs while i sat on the computer and cried   

Then the awful news that one of the pgs ended at 23 weeks shocked me and i felt so guilty for feeling angry and selfish at their pgs i stil cry now for that baby and my colleague.  

Now the tables have turned and i am the one that is looked upon as 'oh no her bump is getting bigger and how do i avoid it'  I feel bad for being pg and get embarressed when people start talkng about my bump in front of my colleague. 

She talked to me about how she is feeling in general about peoples attitudes towards her (not people in work) she wants people to treat her 'normally' and not shut her out of baby talk. People are trying to protect her but its too much. She admited she cannot avoid pg woman as alot of her friends are pg and I am too. She siad its not their fault and she just has to live with it. If she feels she cannot cope with baby talk while at work she justs walks away or goes into another room, but knows its not ME its just the situation. 

There is no answer to this problem as I have been on both sides of the coin. I try to be sensitive and not do the baby talk and show scan pics etc but on the other hand I can't shield her from my growing bump.  

I don't want her to feel i;m hiding stuff from her but on the other hand i want to wrap her in cotton wool   

When i was going through tx, on a good day i asked questions about their pgs and other days it was just work related chat. 
So now i let her come to me, there have been times when i have asked advice on the pg which she has gladly spoken about. Doing this i hope it made her feel involved and not shut away. 

Whatever people do to help there will always be something wrong as they won't know how you are feeling at that precise moment. You may be feeling postive and get excited about the pending baby but then you may be feeling like [email protected] for that moment and they hit a nerve and all you want to do is cry. 

I remember when we told a friend i was 8 weeks pg he kept saying 'well its early days' it really upset me as it felt like he was waiting fro me to m/c again.   but a friend of mine said he was just being cautious and maybe if i had not been through txs i might of said the same about someone else   who knows  

IF a mad mad world


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## mollymittens

It doesnt get easier for me. I have always been really involved with my preggers friends but I cant anymore. I visit my babies graves every day, instead of pushing them in their prams.


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## Jo82

Hi there everyone...

My heart goes out to every one of you. In a way I am glad that what I am feeling is normal. I'm a nurse and work on a ward where all pg people get sent as it's safer. I have found out that someone is being moved and yep she is pg. I am dreading it and the chances are we would have been at a similar stage had I not m/c'ed. There are lots of women on the ward and a certain group of them
are always talking abot pg and babies. I just don't want to hear it. I will try to
avoid the chat and keep focused on my work. I just hope I don't end up on nights with her as there will be just the 2 of us. 

It feels very unfair. I didn't get to keep my baby and yet she seems to be popping them out constantly. I know it's jealously and irrational but I want to be the pg person instead of the one the managers tip-toe around and don't know what to say.


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## Duckling

Hi Jo,
Just wanted to say 'you poor thing'. I do know how you're feeling. It's so unfair. It does help to hear that we're not the only ones feeling like this doesn't it? Like you I feel jealous and irrational but we're not the only ones.
I really hope you get your baby and to everyone who's posted here I really hope you do too. x


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## Beef

Hi all

I'm so glad I found this thread as it sums up all that I've been feeling this weekend! As you can see I'm new here and I've had 2 failed IVF attempts (the last one Nov 09). I've tried to forget about it for the last few months and just get on with enjoying life with my lovely DH and no commitments, but just this week during a particularly weepy/emotional AF we started talking about it again.

Then on Friday, a colleague suddenly announced she was pg when she has previously given no indication whatsoever that she was even trying. It completely knocked me for six and I found myself in the toilets sobbing!! I felt like I'd been coping so well, but what a state I was!! My boss was very sympathetic and gave me a big hug, then all the rest of the team kind of tiptoed around me for the rest of the day (as they know my situation). But it just left me feeling so f****** angry and betrayed. That sounds really irrational but I truly did feel betrayed - like she had lied to me for the last 3 months. She is now the 3rd person in my dept to be pg, and I'm now the only one without kids.      

To top it all off, a friend I'd found through IVF locally is now pg which I know is great news and is supposed to give me hope, but I'm meeting her tomorrow and can't help feeling that she won't want to meet again because we're not in the same situation anymore. (Also I don't know if I can face it again)

Anyway I've calmed down now since Friday (and I'm more sane!! - less likely to   - joking!!!!) but all those old feelings have really reared their ugly heads again this weekend - and I was doing so well.

Frizzie, I totally know how you feel. My sister told me she was pg in Aug 08 just after we had been put on the waiting list for IVF. I just felt like my heart had been ripped out (dramatic I know!!) when she told me. She was great though and knew how hard it was for me to hear her news. Thinking about it now, she looked like she was going to tell me that she was dying - she felt that bad about telling me. I found it hard being around her when she was pg - had to leave early that Christmas, but now her daughter is 10 mths and I love her to bits. For me most of the jealousy went away once my niece was here- now they have lost their freedom!! 

Irish Dee - I love what you've written and totally agree with it. I am SO happy to have my DH. We've been together since we were teenagers (married 5 yrs) and have a super relationship. We have both agreed that whatever happens we will not let it spoil us. We have a great life together, it's just that this unanswered question hangs above us and a little one would be the icing on the cake.




 to all. It's SO good to know you're all out there, and I'm not the only one

xxxx


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## Irish Dee

Hi Beef,

You are not alone, hope your next cycle brings you your much wanted baba.

Dee


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## Suse14

Hi, I just want to say how sorry I am to read some of the sad stories on this thread   

I'm due back to work next Monday after 3 weeks holiday, a BFN on 30.03.10 after what I was certain was a successful 2ww. Some people know why I've been off and know about tx, I had a mmc at 12 and a bit weeks last June and because of the nature of my work everyone knew I was pg. Going back after that was awful, 2 colleagues were pg and due the same week as I was so had to watch their bumps grow and listen to never ending baby chat. I'm not sure what was worse, people carrying on as if it wouldn't upset me or the ones who stopped talking when I walked into a room! 

Now there are another 2 people pg at work and another colleagues wife is pg, so again I am dredding going back! The people I work closest with try to be helpful but comments like "stay positive and your time will come", don't help from people who all have their own children!

FF has been the best support during this (along with DH who has been wonderful) I spent many months lurking before joining, and I would like to say thank you to anyone who has replied or PM me over the time I've been a member.

Suse x


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## Duckling

Hi Suse and Louise,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your stories. I found out today that yet another colleague at work is pregnant. It's so hard isn't it?
Louise -  I feel I'm struggling to be a nice normal person so what you've written says it all! Not sure how long I can keep picking myself up though.
Suse - I agree so much with you - other people's posts on here help so much. I really hope things get better for you soon, work must be so hard and you've been through so much.
Sending lots of hugs your way. Duckling x


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## Cookie987

Hi Duckling, 
Im so sorry to hear that, it is so so hard.    
My colleague who left for maternity leave came to visit today...along with a HUGE bump!!! Im smiling the whole time, but screaming on the inside!!! I keep telling myself "chin up"!!!
sending  you lots of      xx


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## manxminx

Hi everyone,

Wow! I don't think I've ever read as many things on one forum that could have been written by me alone. 

In my last job 6 colleagues became pregnant in about 18months. Alongside that 4 of my friends conceived easily and quite frankly I couldn't handle it. It wore me down so much,I cut contact with my friends and it was one of the reasons I left my job. Had it not been for a colleague going through infertility and this forum I don't think I would have coped.

In short it sucks big time and there is no easy answer to coping with it. However I have always found that knowing other women with infertility understand gives me strength to face another day. It means I know I'm not going mad and it's OK to be angry. It's amazing how we all feel the same and that has always been a massive comfort and got me through many difficult times.

        to you all 

Manxminx xx


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## speeder

Hi - I'm so so sorry to read these hard hard stories.  I wanted to add my own story in case it helped anyone. 

I went through exactly the same situation at work with a colleague (who knew about our TX issues).  She was absolutely unbearable - she would talk to another pregnant girl all day about the pregnancy, symptoms, what she was buying, prams, nurseries, the lot.  I literally counted down the days till she went on leave - it was dreadful.  I considered her to be a friend and now no longer do - I don't speak to her anymore.  I could no longer be friends with someone so insensitive.  

The only advice I can give was that given to me by my husband - "what doesn't break you makes you stronger".  Inside my heart was breaking, but I knew I was strong enough to cope.  In the end, I used to remove myself and work elsewhere from my desk at times (but I was lucky I could do that in my job, doesn't work if you have to be at your desk).  I also used to try and have "treats" connected with work e.g. meeting someone nice for lunch so that the whole day wasn't such a trial.  Even the blokes were utterly sick of this girl going on, and that also helped (even though they did not know of my issues). 

The thing is that I never felt jealous of anyone's life until then - holidays, houses, money, cars - but I found it so so hard to deal with their pregnancies.  And I found it easier when I accepted it was so bloody hard rather than fight it.  Basically I said to myself "this is just sh****t" and it's so difficult but coping with it is making me tougher.  Then - to cap it off - my sister announced she was pregnant with her FOURTH child.  Everyone was too scared to tell me and I was devastated - I think I thought - jeez couldn't she have waited??  


Yes, it's ended happily for me, for now and I'm so blessed with my beautiful daughter.  But two thoughts. First, the struggle we had has definitely made me a better parent.  I have sailed through the "usual" first time baby things such as rubbish birth, tiredness, night feeds etc because I feel so so lucky. Other new mums declare how hard motherhood is - and ask if I find that - I honestly answer that no, I do not, so far.  We have had a lot of worries about our daughter's health but it's easier to deal with because she's so so wanted. Never ever a day goes by when I take anything for granted.  Would I feel that if it had been easier?  I'm not sure I would.  But my child could not be any more loved and cherished by me.  Secondly, we conceived just after our wedding and everyone tells me how "lucky" I was (we didn't tell anyone other than close friends about our treatment  because of the donor issue).  Even those who I know are also struggling look on us enviously as the couple who had no issues at all to conceive and I just can't tell them.  But I want to put my arms round them and tell them how hard it was for us too and that it will make it even more wonderful for them when it happens. So all these other people for whom it seems so easy - you just don't know that - they could be like me.  

Whoever wrote on this thread about how lucky we are to have husbands - I also agree with that.  I have friends who have not yet met their partner and I know that all they want is a nice bloke (yes kids would be a bonus). Sometimes life feels like a series of "What can I have next" and it's so easy to forget what we already have.  

Infertility was the hardest thing I ever went through - but worrying about my daughter's health is even worse.  Life is just so tough at times for almost everyone and everyone seems to have to face something at some point.  It's how we get through these struggles that count.  And if we can get through a day when someone announces they are pregnant with even the tiniest smile then we have done bloody brilliantly and deserve a massive pat on the back.

Much love to all and good luck xx


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## Tama

I'm so sorry to read all your stories. Some happy but some so sad. Life really isn't fair and can be very very cruel. Sending you all a BIG  

I too work at a school and last year we had 8 pregnancy announcements one after the other. Each one came as I had a failed cycle. I felt like I was being punished for something but had no idea what. I really did come unstuck and had to have three weeks off work, just seeing the bumps brought me to my knees. It was one of the hardest things apart from tx I've even been through.

Everyone finally went on mat leave, however five of them are back and more due back next term. One of the girls that has just come back seems to be a little round in the tummy area and someone said 'oh no you won't be here in September' so I'm guessing she is pg again. I feel like I'm just the mug that has to have treatment but never gets the miracle at the end of it but they can all just fall pg some twice! 

My sister has also just started ttc. She has PCOS and a heart shaped womb and has been given Clomid. I love her but she keeps saying that she can't book a holiday as she may well be pg. I can't stand it. I want her to be happy but if she calls to tell me she is pg I think it will tip me over the edge. She knows about my tx and the failed IVF but keeps telling me that she knows people that had a failed IVF and then just fell pg. I know she means well but really  

I feel like a total cow for not wanting her to be pg before me but how do you cope with that? When my friend told me she was pg I lost it and have only seen her three times, she now has a happy healthy baby boy and he will be 1 in June and I'm still sitting on the side lines. I would love for my sister to be pg but I just need for me to be pg first just by a month. 

Goodness I sound like a total nutter. It's just so nice to know that some of the feelings I have are not crazy and I'm not alone.

I wish everyone of you happiness and joy and a wonderful BFP


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## Smiffles06

Hi Everyone,

I cried when I read the posts on this thread as I can relate to how everyone of you is feeling, sending you all big gentle hugs 

Most of the people i work with know about my treatment, as we live and work in quite a small county everyone knows everyone else and what is going on in their lives so i felt it was better to be upfront and honest with people at work especially when they used to say things like "what is taking you so long", "when you going to make your inlaws grandparents"  How helpful of them to make such comments!!!

A girl in the office is pg at the moment only about 14 weeks gone, she has told everyone in the office except me , and everytime she passes me she covers her tiny bump with a clipboard / folder / handbag.  While I am crying inside i would never let anyone see the pain i am feeling but i hate being pitied, and while i know she may not want to hurt my feelings etc I dont want to be made to feel like a social outcast.  Another girl who was pg last year had a little girl, while she was on mat leave she brought the baby in and went round most people in the office but kept away from me, i felt quite awful about it but was grateful because i knew that she knew that i would have gave the baby a quick glance while ooohing and aaaahing before having to walk away and lock myself in the toilets while i had a good cry.

In all honesty my treatment has made me feel like an outcast, my friends sont understand although they say they do, one friend even tells me how lucky i am NOT to have children as I can just do whatever i please and go on holiday at the drop of a hat, little does she know that i would cut off my right arm to have what she has.

Thank goodness for FF and all the fabulous women on here.

Sending you all lots of love and babydust.


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## Gemini1974

Hi everyone.  My colleague has just left on maternity leave after 8 months of squealing and trading baby stories with the other girls in the office.  At first I was annoyed with it all, but one day she had a bleed, and I saw the horror and fear on her face, and suddenly realised, that it wasnt all fun and excitement, she now has a whole new set of worries.  From that point, I actually began to feel sorry for her, and any bad feelings I had completely disappeared.  I have also spent a lot of time counting my blessings and speaking to friends and family at length about the treatment which helps massively. I have planned a series of 'treats' and things to look forward to also, to have positive things to focus on.  Strangely, the ones that have children have actually been the most supportive - I suppose at one point they were all 'trying' themselves.  I know that our infertility is sad, but its no-one's fault and I absolutely REFUSE to feel bad about myself. I am not a failure, and it is just the way things are.  The day I got my negative, I got 15 calls and text from family and friends, who were all rooting for us.  It wasnt meant to be this time, but maybe next time!  Im also lucky in that I like spending time with other peoples children, because I now realise what a blessing they really are. Im trying to turn every negative into a positive, its a bit of an uphill fight, but I WILL win.  Good luck and good will and happiness to all you wonderful ladies out there, you are all so strong and I admire all of you.  Our turn will come!


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## Frizzie

I know this reply is months out of date.  But I wanted to say my sister's baby arrived 2 weeks ago and I have been overwhelmed with love for him and my sister.  A lovely feeling that took me by surprise.  Beef - you were right!!  

My little nephew will never go short of cuddles and kisses from his aunty that's for sure.

I hope everyone else is coping ok with all those tricky situations out there. 

xxxx


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## BooBoo13

I've been looking for where to post this.  I am struggling to come to terms with my recent loss at 6-7 weeks took us 6 years to get that so desperately wanted BFP.  I've been signed off work since test day as I suffered so much pain (either endo or fibroid, not sure which) anyway, I am due to go back to work on Tuesday this week and a lady in my office is around 35 weeks pregnant.  Not sure how I am going to deal with it at all.  Am hoping that she has now started her maternity leave and I won't have to "have it in my face" if you all understand what I mean.  Also my DH told me last night that the wife of a colleague of his is now pregnant, apparently she found out around the same time as me.  That is going to be so hard to deal with when she does give birth as it will be around the same time that I would have.  

I know that people are getting pregnant all around us all the time.  Unfortunately there is nothing we can do but feel happy for them when deep down we feel so miserable.  I find myself jealous of ladies who are pregnant even when I'm doing the shopping, thinking why can't that be me.  It's so unfair.  

I try to stay positive for what the future holds for me but it gets so difficult to deal with every blow that infertility throws at me.  

Just felt that I needed a rant and to get that off my chest.  Thankyou for reading and big hugs to you all.

         

Booboo xx


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## Tama

Booboo I'm so sorry to hear about your loss    I hope tomorrow is okay for you and that the pg lady is already on matt leave. It is so so very unfair that anyone has to go through IF, tx and MC. I feel the same when I see babies and pg ladies, find myself thinking 'why her and not me'. Sending you huge       I hope your next tx brings you your baby    xx


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## Bunny Face

Oh Ladies - I feel like such a cow!

I'm really struggling...

My friend and colleague has recently had IVF and it has worked first time, is it normal to feel happy for her but absolutely gutted for myself? I keep thinking - it should have been me and then that makes me feel so guilty. 

I've struggled with IF for 6 years now and have had numerous treatments.  I cant understand how it worked first time for her and yet here i am waiting to 'try again'.  I knew everything about my treatment, the technical stuff, the emotional stuff, everything and yet she went into it blind.  I've done all the ground work and waited long enough.......Argh!

I know she has had a struggle of her own....but what about me? I'm being left behind again. 

In addition another colleague who knows about my situation is heavily pregnant and leaving soon.  She is a nightmare.  Pointing to her baby kicking in meetings, telling other colleagues where the feet and hands are, shouting about how many days she has left to work, what colour the nursery is, how she is going to dress the baby for her friends wedding etc etc etc etc   

ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I a really awful person ??


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## Tama

Bunnyface you are not a cow sweetie, it is only normal to have those feelings   It is very hard when you have waited such a long time and everyone round you manages to get pg with or without tx. The feelings of being left behind again are natural. I have had those feelings myself. It is a vicious circle because you feel sad for yourself but happy for others, then upset that tx works for some first time and not for others and then you start to feel guilty. I think you need to give yourself a break   You are not a bad person for having those feelings, you are a person that has been through a lot and those feelings are the same as lots of others have said. Take care hun. Wishing you lots of luck for the future   x


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## cardi

Oh Bunny Face      I know exactly how you feel.  Well said, Tama - you are right - it's completely natural to feel like you do.  As you can see from my ticker - we waited 7 years and 4 IVFs for our BFP - and there were times when I never thought we'd ever get there.  It's so hard to see the wood for the trees during this horrid process.  Your hormones are completely buggered - it's no wonder we get emotional and irrational at times. 


I never found it easy hearing about anyone's pregnancies - it was always just a constant reminder of what I could never seem to achieve. Even now, tbh, I find it hard being around pg women or hearing them talk about babies - even with my current situation - I guess it's going to take a long time to heal.


Hang in there.  Things do change - just don't lose hope.  I write on a thread of about 13 girls - all of whom came onto the thread after having BFNs on a cycle buddies board - now 11 of those girls are pg/have babies.  It really gave me hope in my lowest moments, so I really    that your time will come too. (And all of the other girls reading this thread). 


     


Cardi
xxxxx


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## beannebee

I've just read this thread from the beginning, thinking it wasn't still active, I am SO glad it is here!  I have had two real bumps in the road (please forgive the pun) with friends becoming pg.  

Me and a friend were both experiencing fertility probs, I was put on tx as I am 5 years older than her and have PCOS, she was told to keep trying for a year or two.  She became pg then had a m/c at 10weeks which devastated her, I was extremely sad for her because it completely knocked her, as it does - but, this does make me an awful person - I had a little bit of jealousy because I have never even had a bfp and just to get to that stage seemed so magical.  I am happy to say she is now pg again and all is going well at about 6months.  But it was so hard to lose her as a support, I felt bereft that I didn't have her to talk to and felt so lost on my own... that is when I signed up here and it has helped a lot!

Then, this week, another friend who has always maintained she's not bothered about having children and has been half heartedly trying for only 4 months, e-mailed me to tell me she is pg.  She was apparently very upset when she thought about telling me, knowing how much I want it and what I'm going through but wanted to tell me before any of her other friends.  I found this really sweet, but so, so hard to deal with.  It has really knocked me again.  I am happy for her and her husband, but she rang yesterday and I put on a brave smile and said how happy I am and 'no, of course I'm ok with it!' but just hearing about how happy her husband is and how thrilled her parents are - things that I can't do for my dh or family at the moment - just gutted me.  It is like an amazing gift that is completely out of reach for some of us no matter how much we want it, and it doesn't feel fair. 

I have been very very honest with my friend who was going through difficulties and she has been ever so sensitive and kind, I feel now that I can speak to her about things that worry me, but I don't know how to protect myself against hearing all the ins and outs of pregnancy from my more recently pg friend... I know more about it than her and she was asking me stuff, it was totally awful, yet I carried on chatting and smiling.  

I know I will get used to the idea and I do want to be part of these children's lives and not cut myself out of the lives of my friends, but it is very difficult.  I understand completely some of the things people have written here, and have read with a smile on my face some of the amazing advice from some of you, it really does help!  Thank you for being here lovely FF girls xxx


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## MrsPootle

Oh Beannebee      to you

It's really hard isn't it, I too have had two friends announce pg since my last IVF cycle ended in BFN.  I know it's so difficult and the emotional strain of both close and distant friends can be hard to deal with.  But, I really believe our time will come eventually  

Lots of love to you,
Mrs P
x


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## cdp

Hi all

Over the last 2+ years I have had several (10+)colleagues who were pregnant and some were more sesitive than others. One was so awful everytime she saw me she would rub her belly. DH and I have been very open with people as we felt this would reduce the number of stupid comments, avoidable upset and on the whole it has sort of worked.

As you can see from my details at the bottom of the page we have been ttc for some time. We have had 4 IUIs, 3IVFs and one DEICSI. The last treatment produced a very weak positive, but it did not last. Long story short, we had treatment abroard where my DH comes from and decided to combine the trip with spending quailty time with his parents and also had a visit from his twin sisters and grandmother. My F-I-L caused me loads of stress during the trip, by going on about having access to the grandchildren, this was because they had just returned ealry from a trip to evil B-I-L and wife in oz ( they were there seeing the first grandchild, and returned early due to some kind of argument). After 3 weeks and five long stressful heated debates, with me begging  to be treated as an individual, my stress levels were at an all time high so i am certain this played a major role in the outcome. I tell you all this becase this morning My S-i-l (one of the twins who saw her boyfriend there) sent us a text at 5.40 am to tell us she was 18 weeks pregnant. She doesn't want a baby, only sees her boyfriend 3-4 times a year and would have got pregnant while visiting us during our treatment. Just to rub salt into a very open wound DH also told me this morning that evil B-I-Ls wife is 20 weeks pregnant with the second child. How bloody unfair. I often think what else is the world/fate going to trow at us. Although we have a FET coming up I really don't know how I am going to cope if it fails. Am despartely trying to remain positive, but just keep crying today. I feel very lucky to have my DH and know that many couples have split up over much less. I'm just glad I can come onto FF and know that feeling angry, and upset is normal. That the crying and hiding away when things get tough (which is a lot at the moment) is also very normal. I know that I am a good, strong person and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could see into the future and know that this is going to work, that there is going to be a happy ending, so that the journey won't be so hard. 

Love Claire


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## cardi

Oh Claire, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time of it.    It really sounds a horrid situation for you - thank goodness you have a strong relationship with DH (nothing will ever put as much strain on it!) and you sound like a strong, 'together' sort of a person.


There are no easy words, the only thing I can really tell you is that I felt EXACTLY the same as you a year ago - but as you will see from my ticker, things have finally worked for us (well, we're almost there anyway!) but we never thought we'd get there.


Without exception, all of our close friends (some of whom didn't even have partners when DH and I married) have had children over the past few years and it was so difficult for us.  How many times do you have to fix on that sunny smile and say 'wow, I'm so pleased for you'?  It's bloomin' awful and I used to keep saying to DH, 'if we just knew that by the time we were fifty, we'd have kids, adopted or otherwise, and it all worked out in the end, I'd find this period of our lives so much easier to cope with'!  Oh for a crystal ball.


So, all I can say is, stay as positive as you are able - keep picking yourselves up and believing that it WILL happen, one way or another.  Hang in there and, by the way, tell all those other insensitive, moronic idiots to BUGGER OFF!!!!   




Cardi
xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## cdp

Hi Cardi

Thanks for the advice. I keep telling myself this time next year I have something better than a million pounds, a baby.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Love Claire


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## sammij

hey ladies

have been reading this from the beginning and nodding and almost crying with every post.

you can see form my signature - this will be our 8th year of ttc - 5 ICSI and never a positive pg test.

i think what has prompted me to post is that dh best friend who has been thru ''fiancees' like i have doses of synarel  - has just announced that him & his latest are pg!  duuno why but has really knocked me for six and i feel so ANGRY about it!!

they have been 2gether less than a year, he has never wanted kids (or so he says) she is 39-so of course its natural - but i just fel so bloomin bitter and resentful.

dh mentioned going out with them soon but tbh - i can't handle it,  don't want to see them at all for the next 7 months if i can help it!!

i know its norm to feel like this - have an awful knot in my tummy everytime i think of them - i have never felt like this way about anyone else - i work with someone who is pg and apart from feeling envy ebery now & then i don't even think about her.

this infertility business really makes me go a bit doolally.

hope everyone else is ok and bearing up.  so thankful for this site.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

off to have a huge glass of wine!!!!!!


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## Bunny Face

Oh Ladies, 

It doesnt get any easier does it...I seem to spend most of my time wondering why me/why not me?!

Today one of my colleagues came in to work with her 1 month old baby girl. Luckily enough I had overheard a conversation earlier in the day and managed to take a long lunch to avoid her. It sounds selfish to some people but to me its self preservation.

I doubt if I'll ever feel any different


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## cdp

Hi Everyone

It is so very hard. I try to stay positive and keep thinking of myself at the end of March pregnant (thats when we are having our fet), and then at all the happy stages along the way. But I know what you guys mean, it is easier to distance ourselves from situations that hurt us, as far as possible. Which is why I avoid pregnant people and those with young babies as its just too hard. People who have never had to experience the pain of infertility accuse you of being unreasonable and just don't understand. If they have lost thier house I wouldn't go on about how wounderful my home is and all the improvements I want to make. To be honest other people would see that as hartless and unkind, but people are allowed to go on about thier pregnancies/babies/children even knowing your situation and that is seen as being fine. If anything you are seen as the unreasonable, nasty one. What a wounderful world we live in. 

Keep your chin up guys. Sending you all lot's of positive thoughts and good luck. Just remember there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Its not as if by walking out of a room you are hurting anyone else.

Love Claire. x


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## Slug

Thanks for that advise bhp. I have been reading this thread realising that I am not the only one and what I am feeling is normal. I wanted to share my story.

I have 2 very close friends, one who now has twins and the other gave birth 2 days ago to a boy. My friend with the twins went through fertility treatment for 6 years and she has always been a great support for me - I am luck to have her. I did find it difficult to see her pregnant but she was always sympathetic and sensitive around me. When her boys were born I was delighted for her and I see them as much as I can. They remind me of why I am going through this and what joy there will be when it happens for us.

However my other close friend spent years saying how she didn't really want kids and moaning about it all. Then 6 months after she got married, wham bam, they are pregnant. The timing couldn't have been worse- they told me and my dh 1 week after we found out we had miscarried. I was gutted. 

We commuted to work most days so I started changing the times I went in or staying at work later to avoid her. I felt awful and at the same time missed her. Anyway I was convinced that when she gave birth I would find it easier to see her, like my first friend. However I saw the first lot of pictures on ******** and only felt pain when I want to feel happy for her.

They know that we are having treatment but I have never talked about it openly with her because I don't think she would understand. I feel like I should support her and see her and her new boy but I know how much pain and upset it will bring me. It is so unfair that we have to have these feelings. 

lots of


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