# close proximity of birth parents



## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

We have been approached about a lo, but have just found out her birth parents live 30 mins walk away from our house!. To me this is a no but my hsband disagrees and with the last link not going ahead due to me I'm feeling like the bad guy. My husband is pretty annoyed with me.

We have been told we wouldn't be able to use our local supermarket and though that in itself isin't a big deal I don't want to be worrying about bumping into them all the time. Any thoughts?


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

we are adopting with the neighbouring LA. it is probable that any child we adopt would live within 30 mins from our house. There is a large shopping centre between our town and the LA so we probably wouldn't be able to shop there. TBH I would agree with your husband. Unless you adopt with an LA quite far away there is likely to be some close connection.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi Snapdragon 
Ive replied in the main thread. I hear what someday is saying, there's always going to be some close proximity if you are with the same LA/VA where you live but it depends on how close is close. Is it really as close as you think? Its unlikely you'd bump into them when out but as Ive said on my main reply its your social workers response to you questioning the lack of distance that would make me react the same as you have.

Dont be so hard on yourself, its normal to ask questions and worry/be hesitant. But you also need to listen to DH and maybe take a step back and look at how close it actually is and whether its a realistic or hypothetical concern.

Good luck


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## Little Miss Giggles (Apr 1, 2009)

I'd be concerned just like you, although you might be happy not to use your local supermarket what happens when LO is a teen and wants to be able to be able to have the freedom to be free to spend time in the local area?


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm sorry, proximity has always been a big worry for me.  It's slightly different because we're in a very rural area, and everyone knows everyone!  

One of the questions I would ask is about meeting the BPs - this is encouraged as a good thing for the LO these days, but how could you meet them if that meant they could recognise you in the street?  And does not shopping at the local supermarket go far enough?  Do you have to completely cut yourself off from that community?  I'd be asking myself how this would impact on local facilities (GP, schools, toddler groups) and support networks - but there isn't much choice of local facilities around here!

One of the reasons we ended up switching from LA to VA was that the LA would be placing local children, and our County is a big space geographically, but a small world in terms of community.  It's likely that children placed through the VA will be from several hours' drive away.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, although I can see both sides.  You're trying to be sure you know enough about the risk to be able to manage it and keep LO safe.  It's their welfare you're concerned about, and that's your job.  

(((((hugs)))))


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

its the nearest big supermarket but not local as such. We live in a large village and we could use all the amenties there. The estate is about a 30 min walk. People from the estate do come in to use the pubs sometimes but not to use the shops so much. There will be lots of kids from the estate at the local high school though. 

It looks like both birth parents wider family are from other areas within our la and the birth parents have just been housed here by the council. I want to check if they know for definite they still live there, it says something in the report about them splitting up last year. I guess they keep tabs on where the birth parents are living?


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I agree with you too, it would scare the life out of me and I am sure it would constantly be at the back of my mind and I would not like to live on eggshells no matter how remote the chance is but it would feel too close to comfort for me.  So sorry that DH is now cross about it but you both have to be 100% in agreement x

Its so odd the SW have agreed to this and goes to show again just how different every LA/VA is.  We are not allowed to have any child whose birth family live in the district/borough we do or those that boarder with us just incase.  The SW said you must have a different hospital to go to in case of emergency which is their logic for this.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I would say it is highly dependent on the degree of risk.  Some birth families present no risk at all - my friend has two children adopted from their very very small LA, and one of them was at great risk (and should really have been placed out of the LA) and for the other she said the BF really could not care less if her son existed.  They would not have recognised him, or vice versa, in the street, there is no way they would have got their act together even to come up to them in the street if they saw them, let alone say anything or do anything, so despite the fact that his BF lived in their main shopping town, they were very happy going there, etc. etc.  I am pretty sure she had at least seen a picture of the BM but perhaps not met face to face (but from what she was saying, the BF difficulties were such that they probably wouldn't even remember my friend if they saw her again).

The first son's situation was more of a problem. I think his BF lived in the next town over so they didn't go there, but they had to be careful of friends of cousins at school, and I think they picked their out of school activities carefully too I seem to remember.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

The thing is my la don't really allow this either, we were told during our prep training we couldn't have a child whose parents lived on this estate. I think my husband still wants to say yes though; yesterday when I said the estate is on the bus route to town he said well you will just have to learn to drive wont you.

I'm angry with my sw for putting us in this position.

In terms of risk it doesn't look like the parents are that bothered about their children but the birth father is a violent man. At the end of the day I will probably say sorry I think the risk is too high and my husband probably wont be talking to me.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Ladies,

I am board crashing, so I really hope I don't upset anyone.  I keep an eye on this board, as we may adopt if our next cycle fails.

I can understand your concerns totally and my reason is below.

My DH has a friend at work and he adopted a little girl who was 2 1/2 yrs old.  The birth Mother was a junkie/alcoholic.  The adoption was through a LA.  Well his wife was in a local park and the BM sister appeared with her children.  She obviously recognised her and started going berserk.  She started phoning family members and DH friends wife had to call the Police straight away.  She managed to leave, but it was very traumatic for her.  I believe after this that they decided to move, as now they knew her, she was terrified of going out in case it happened again.

I am sure that this incident is very unlikely, but it made me realise that I don't understand why perhaps they don't move children up for adoption to other areas.

I hope I haven't upset anyone, but it's just a situation that I hadn't really given much thought to.

Good luck to all of you of this journey.

Stacey
X


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I feel so sad for you Snapdragon - I wish I had some advice that would help - it is a horrible thing and I would be peed off with the SW too especially if it causes problems at home.


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

I agree with the spouses . Depends on the risk posed by Bps. Our children's bps live a 20 min drive away. We have met them. they have told sw s they know which nursery ripple will be going to. Great.... However they are not perceived to be a risk. ..... I would find out more info and if this link seems right in every other way def strongly consider it!


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Just out of curiosity, galaxy girl, when they said they knew which nursery, were they right??!

I thought it was really interesting with my friend how different here two children's situations were. The one where there was no risk was from a town literally 5 miles away, if that.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Just to say our sw has decided the match can't go ahead. She had forgotten I couldn't drive and the estate is on the main bus route so too bag a risk. Well at least taht wont happen again. 

Back to the drawing board.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm kind of glad that's happened, snap, but I wish they hadn't bothered you with it in the first place!  A friend said to me that when you hit delays and dead-ends, it's just because YOUR little one isn't ready yet.  They're coming to you, hang on in there.   ((((hugs))))


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

Yes the spouses they were . .... Not happy and haven't a clue how they know


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