# It seems to be happening again!!!!



## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi everyone 

Havent been on this website for a while as I have been off work and had left my laptop at work.  Have been desperate to get onto this site - so have borrowed DH's computer and am upstairs tapping away.

A lots been happening just lately so I will start at the beginning.  M/c on 4th August and was told to wait one month until trying again - fair enough.  Given another 3 month course of Clomid (100mg) and was told to go back to consultant on 15 December.

My lovely DH booked us a weekend away on Paignton at the end of August to celebrate our second wedding anniversary.  Had lovely time, had great sex, nice food and really enjoyed some time away from everything and on our own.  Anyway whilst having sex one night I felt very wet and made a comment to my DH (have made that sound like I dont get wet often!!!!!    Not the case).  DH looked down and there was bright red blood on his tools of the trade.  We stopped then and there as DH doesnt like to do it when I am on.  So I went to the loo and put a lillet in ready and wait for AF to hit full on.  Went to change my mouse a few hours later and there was nothing on it, so put a panty liner on and left it.  Anyway nothing happened so last Friday I did a HPT (First response early one - faint second line) and got a BFP!!!!!  Was well chuffed - caught without Clomid and thought (neively) that lightening couldnt strike three times.  

On saturday night I really felt like I was going to come on and went to the loo and I have started bleeding but not bleeding like I did when I m/c in August - there were only very small clots this time.  Havent been back to work since then as I feel like crap and cant be bothered.  Did another pregnancy test yesterday to see if it was negative and it wasnt it was still positive (I know that the hormones can stay in your body for a while) BUT the second line was far clearer on this test than the last one (still used First response).  Phoned the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit at our local hospital as I have had an ectopic pregnancy before which resulted in me having an op and loosing my left tube.  I got the MOST unhelpful nurse ever - I really hope she gets a  very bad case of Thrush!!!!!   .  She told me that there was nothing they would do (even though in Aug they saw me and did blood test for HSG level - came back at 13 - V low and almost negative but they said better to do the test as I had had an ectopic).  She told me to go to my docs and they would do the blood test - went all the way to my docs and she said they dont do them there and I needed to do another HPT in a weeks time and signed me off for two weeks - so here I am waiting and trying to be positive but its hard as I dont think its going to be good news.

Phoned my consultant and he said he wants to see me on 22nd Sept for a chat so hopefully he will do something as I think I might have a problem with implantation.  Sorry this is so long but this is the first time I have really talked about all this - havent cried at all about it and feel like I cant - its only you lot that understand just how all comsuming TTC can be.  DH is great and I love him more than he will ever know but whenever I talk about it he gives me this look as if to say "here we go again" or "not this again", I am sure a lot of you get the same. At the moment I have no enthusiasm and dont really feel like doing much.  Am still bleeding -its been six days now - in a way I just wish someone would do a HSG count and tell me I had either miscarried or not - I cant stand this not knowing.  I feel like such a failure to DH - he says I am not and its not my fault and all the usual stuff people say  but I cant help how I feel.  Am really low at the moment and just needed someone to talk to.

DH is going into my work on Monday to pick up my laptop and he is going to bring this one home over the weekend for me so I can talk to you lot.  Wont be checking for messages until tomorrow night but thanks for listening - it just helps talking to people who understand.

Nicki xxxx


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Oh Nicki (nice to see you   ) how frustrating not even knowing whats going on I can only imagine the dispare you must be going through.  Its awful they will just leave you hanging on like that given your history you poor thing.   

I can't offer any advice, but hope that it is a BFP for you. Keep us posted xxxxxxxxx


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## kellydallard (Nov 25, 2004)

Nicki,

My god sweetie,no wonder you dont know what to do. This is just my personal opinion but I wouldnt be able to wait especially with the bleeding and your previous m/c etc,I would go to my a&e dept and explain you think you are pg but you are worried about the bleeding,they might be able to scan you to see and then atleast you know.Like I say its what I would do personally as its far too important to let people fobb you off all the time. I really hope it is a succesfull bfp for you hunny,keep us posted and you know where we are if you need us  

All the best

Kelly x


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## sweetpeapodder (Feb 6, 2005)

Sending you a hug - what an awful time you're having.

I agree with Kelly - go straight to A&E  (I've been there myself in similar circumstances) - you need to get some proper attention.

Please let us know how you get on when you can

Alison


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## KerryB (Mar 7, 2005)

Aw Nicki, you poor love. I'm so sorry your having to go this again. I'm praying   this continues to be a BFP. I'm in agreement with the girls, get yourself to A&E, what else do we pay for the NHS for! 

Hope its all works out ok.

xxxx


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi Flowerpot, Kerry, Kelly and Sweatpea

Thanks for all the replies, I dont know what I would do without this site sometimes.  You lot are fab. 

Cant wait any longer and am going to do another HPT tomorrow morning - not holding my breath though as today on my sanitary towel there was a small empty pea sized sac on the towel so I think that may have been the last of it coming away.

I have brought a Tesco test this time - I have made a decision though that I have to be more patient (easier said than done - i Know) but I am definately not going to test before AF is due in future as if I hadnt tested this time I would never have known and would have just thought it was my period.  

Hope you are all ok anyway - am just going to catch up with all the postings from today.

Will let you know tomorrow how I have got on - fingers crossed for a little miracle.

Nicki xx


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Meant to say as well - have stopped bleeding now.
Nicki xx


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## baby maggie (Jul 26, 2005)

God Bless you Nikki, im really praying for you.
Reading your story yuo are one amazing ladie.


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## helenmoo (Feb 7, 2005)

Nikki honey, I have everything crossed for you, glad to hear the bleeding has stopped, but thats still no comfort is it?? when your desparate to know whats going on. Bloody NHS can be so crap sometimes!!!!    well I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that nasty unhelpful nurse gets thrush too, maybe with a touch of cystitus thrown in too  

Anyway Im thinking of you hun, best of luck!!! 
Us clomid warriors must stick together!!!!


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Nicki

I don't know what to say so I'll send a huge  your way to let you know I'm thinging about you.

Take care
Debs


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi everyone

Just to let you know that I tested again this morning and got another BFP!!!!!!!!
Still in limbo as not sure if my body is just taking a long time to get rid of the hormones or if I am pregnant.
Iam soooooooo scared that its going to be ectopic again.  Am going to go to the doctors and insist that they send me to the EPAU again as I think they should be doing a blood test count to see whats going on.

Anyway - just thought I would update you all - thanks for all your messages.  Love the cystitus comment!!!! Had me   for ages.

See you all soon. Big loves and hugs to everyone out there.
Nicki xx


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## helenmoo (Feb 7, 2005)

Like I say Nikki, everything that I can croos is crossed for ya honeypot!!!! Wish you all the best and hope that your result is  a very very


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi everyone

Quick update - got fed up of not knowing anything and went to the doctors who referred me to the EPAU at my local hospital.  They wouldnt scan me as they arent sure how far along I am as I didnt have a period after my miscarriage.  They didnt want to scan me as they said they wouldnt be able to see anything and they didnt want me to think that I was having another ectopic.

They did the blood test which came bck yesterday at 505.  This is the highest one I have ever had - when I had my ectopic it came back at 200 - so I am not sure if this is good news or not - am trying not to get too excited and stay grounded.

Have to go back tomorrow morning at 9.30 for another blood test so they can see if its rising - it should have doubled over the last 48 hours so I am really hoping its going to come back at 1,000 ish!!!!!  Fingers crossed.  I really do have a feeling that this is going to be ectopic though -am getting pains in my shoulders again -not sure if I am just imagining this as I know you get that with an ectopic pregnancy.

Will let you know how I get on.  Just going to catch up on whats been happening with you all.

"See" you soon.
Nicki xx


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## mizzlnik (Jan 23, 2005)

HIya Nicki,

I just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world and I'm keeping everything crossed for you.  I hope it's a BFP for you hun, I really do.
Loads of love and babydust,    

Chris xx


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Nicki, thanks for the update.  Got everything crossed that its a healthy pregnancy. keep us posted


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi

Sending you lots of positive thoughts & sticky vibes        

Take care hun
Natasha


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## VB (Dec 21, 2004)

Hi Nicki

   


Fingers crossed!
Veronica


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## KerryB (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Nicki,

Wishing you luck for this pregnancy honey. Hoping that your fears aren't realised. Keep   darlin, we're thinking of you
xxx


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## sweetpeapodder (Feb 6, 2005)

Sending you lots of good wishes - let us know as soon as you can


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

its all gone wrong........

this is going to take ages to type as i am in hospital and they have these funky tellies over the  beds that allow u to access the web.  hormone count went down from 505 to 423 so they brought me in for tests and obs.  had scan this morning and it showe3d feotus growing on ovary, so its ectopic again.  i am just waiting for my consultant to come up and examine me and they are either going to leave me 24 hours and repeat the hcg test to def confirm its ectopic or they are going to take me down for a laparoscopy today.  the ultrasound lady said its showing all signs of being ectopic again but the registra said they might treat the thing on my ovary as a cyst and see if the hormone level drops.  dont know if i am coming or going at the moment.

hopefully consultant will be here soon and i will finally get some answers.

nicki xx


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## KerryB (Mar 7, 2005)

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. I dont know what to say other than I'm thinking of you. Keep us updated. Hope your both ok.

Lots of love and  
Kerryxxx


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## noodles (Sep 4, 2004)

oh I dont know what to say except that I am thinking of you - hope they are looking after you in there and can work out 100% what is going on.  once you have more answers you will be closer to the solution.

as i said thinking of you both,  Noodles


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## tracyb (Aug 29, 2005)

Oh Nicki, I am so sorry, this is just so unfair, especially so soon after your last mc.

I hope everything turns out ok and update us when you get home.

Love Tracy
xx


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Nicki, so sorry.  Life is so cruel.  thinking of you and hope they are looking after you   xxx


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## mizzlnik (Jan 23, 2005)

Bless you - I'm keeping everything crossed for you and sending you loads of       .

Loads of love,

Chris xxxxxx


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi ladies

Final update - after typing that last note below when I was in hospital last Thursday things have definately moved on - this will be quite long - so apologies in advanced.

Went into hospital on 15th Sept with suspected ectopic - they kept my in for observation - on 16th Sept a registra came to see me and told me that it was ectopic and they wanted to do a laparoscopy - which I said was fine as I needed to know what was going on. She came back 10 mins later and said that My Sawyer (my fertility guy) wanted to see me as they had told him I had ben admitted.  He came round and told me that as my Beta HCG count was low (started at 505 and then dropped to 423) the pregnancy would not be viable and that my body would sort it out and expell it itself and he sent me home, my consultant said that they didnt want to open me up again if they didnt need to and he said to repeat the blood tests the next day - DH was furious!!!!!!! He wanted them to do something while they had me in the hospital as scan had showed feotus sac on my ovary.  

Anyway phoned for results and Saturday and they had dropped again to 273 - so it seemed the consultant was right - my body was starting to get rid of it itself. We started to relax then as we knew what was going on and we could start to grieve and make plans for the future etc etc.  Hospital told me to come back on Monday for another blood test to make sure the count had dropped again.  Did that and phoned for the results to be told that they had started to level out and the count had come back as 244 - this is exactly what happened last time I had an ectopic pregnancy!!!!!! They wanted to me go back on Tuesday for a scan - did that and the scan showed that the sac had grown - although they couldnt see a heartbeat.   .  It also showed that there was more fluid in the pouch of douglas (which they thought might be blood).  Anyway - they admitted me on Tuesday for a laparoscopy and said they couldnt wait any longer, they needed to check what was going on.  Started getting pains in stomach on Tuesday - ectopic had started to rupture.  Had lap on Tuesday night at 9pm. Woke up at 11pm to be told that they had had to remove my remaining fallopian tube.

Am totally numb at the moment - they had asked me before if it they had permission to take the tube out if they needed to - and I had said yes - but deep down I thought they would be able to save it.  Had lots of different things going through my head - I thought if they removed the tube then we would never have to go through all this again and at least we could have IVF - at least then if I get pregnant it would mean that it defintely wouldnt be ectopic!!!! 

So thats the end of the road for me for a while - had to leave it three months anyway before we even think of doing anything else - have an appointment with my fertility consultant in six weeks as a follow up.  Hopefully he can tell me about egg share as this is the only IVF I want to consider - I know I am helping other people out with this one and that makes me feel good.

The last two weeks have been absolutely awful - we have been to hell and back not knowing what is going on and what they are going to do.  In a way I am glad its all over but I am totally numb about loosing my tube - this is it now - I cant have children naturally and thats hard to take in - and I dont think I am letting myself - just being strong for everyone else - mom came round last night and I had a bit of a blub on her and she cried too - thats the first time I have cried - went over to my nans earlier and started filling up there cause she was asking me questions but she said "oh dont cry" (which most people say) but as soon as she said that it makes me feel like I cant get upset about it.  My head is all over the place at the moment - I feel in some ways like I should be bawling my eyes out and inside thats what I want to do - but it wont come.  I have a number for the miscarriage and ectopic society from the hospital and DH is going back to work on Monday so I am going to give them a call when I am on my own - if I cry when he is here he doesnt know what to do - if I am on my own and the flood gates open then I dont want to stop them. 

Bloody stitches are irrating me as well - just to top it off!!!!!!!

Sorry this has been so long -I could have just carried on typing and typing but had to stop somewhere.

Nicki xxx


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## baby maggie (Jul 26, 2005)

Nikki,
I am so sorry to read your post and kind of know what you are going through.
I didnt have an eptopic i had a blighted ovum which is where the fetus aborts itself early without leting the res of the body know, the sack still grows and all the hormones remain.
i had to have a D&C and then had to keep going back for blood test which for 2 weeks continued to say i was pregnant.
i was sent home to expell the sack myself but it didnt happen.
i had a breakdown and my DH forced the doctor to put me in hospital.
Time is a great healer poppet but it will take a long time to get through this and as you already know, you never get over it!
I agree with you IVF eggshare sounds great and eptopic will never happen to you again.
Go for it girl, i hope with all my heart that God blesses you with what you and DH deserve very soon.
Bless you, and if you need me im here.
Nat x


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi Nat

Thanks for the response.  I am sorry to hear you had a breakdown - sounds like you have been through the mill from your profile.  This is what I am scared of - dont want to keep holdin things in. 

I dont know whether you agree but I think the hardest part is the not knowing isnt it - having to keep going back for different tests and then waiting for the results - it drives you nuts.  I dont know about you but when I kept doing pg tests and they kept coming back positive I kept getting more and more hopefully that it would be ok and would work itself out.  I even thought that I might have been carrying twins at one point and only lost the one - knew the bleeding etc was bad but I kept thinking positive things and was convinced my count would double and everything would be ok.  
Your response was lovely - thanks Nat - its just nice to know that people like you are out there if I need to talk.  Hope to god everything works out for you mate!!! Keeping everythings crossed.
Nicki xx


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi Nicki

I'm so so sad to read your update...actually sitting at my desk at work & I welled up for you  Wish there was something I could do to take all the pain away...I don't really know what to say but just wanted you to know that thinking of you & sending you loads of ((((hugs)))). 

Take care sweet
       
Natasha


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## baby maggie (Jul 26, 2005)

No probs hun,
I know what you mean you clutch at every straw, my i coulnt believe i had lost it.
i thought they had made a mistake.
I broke down because i held it all in, i felt so guilty id let my DH down, my in laws , my friends.
They all said that i should stop worring about how it had affected them because they were all more concerned about me.(i didnt believe them i felt like a failure)
My advice to you babe is put everything on hold for 2 weeks, tell everyone you love them but you dont want to see them for a while.
stay in your PJs, cry scream and shout and do nothing else until YOU feel ready to deal with losing your baby.


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## nedwards (Apr 28, 2005)

Hi Nat

I am so glad you mentioned that - I keep telling my DH that I feel like a failure to him and I keep saying sorry to him.  He keeps telling me its not my fault and its nothing I have done but that doesnt make me feel any less guilty.  Mother in law is desperate for grand children and at the moment I feel like I have let them down, esp since DH left his last wife for me (which MIL didnt really approve of).  She came over yesterday to see me and she is very sympathetic and she is a lovely person but whenever we talk about the problems we are having TTC I keep thinking that she is thinking that if Paul (my DH) had stayed with Mandy (his ex wife) then this wouldnt be happening and she would have grandchildren.  Just feel so guilty now.


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## baby maggie (Jul 26, 2005)

Oh sweetheart, mums want there kids to be happy more than anything so she will know that he wasnt happy with "mandy" and obviously is with you or he wouldnt be trying to concieve with with you.
It will happen to both of us one day hun and it will be so amazing because of what we have been through!
Its like when you plan for a wedding, it can take years of hard work but when it finally happens no one will ever know how fantasic it is except you and your partner because its yours and its so special and so wanted. not every woman wiil know how special our babies are. x


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Just wanted to send you all my love and thoughts   xxx


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