# Anyone have doubts at beginning of adoption process?



## Pink lemonade (Feb 29, 2016)

Hi,
We're at the beginning of our adoption story. We've been trying for a family for 8 years now. Been through 2 IVF cycles 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then including redundancy, my parents - one death and the other dementia. We've essentially been battered emotionally for the past 5 years with failed ivf and other matters.

Throughout all this, our friends are popping out kids left right and centre. I been through the feeling withdrawn to protect myself from feeling depressed about the cards we been dealt with.

Got to a stage of getting used to being just the 2 of us and thinking that if it's just the 2 of us, we will be ok. We finally got to a stage where things feel more balance and not crappy. And I still want to me a parent.

I have done a lot of research on adoption and been to various agencies. Dh has been saying he's not sure what he wants. We are both finally in a good place and he is scared if we go on the adoption journey that we might rock the boat or might be inviting some potential emotional battering if the process doesn't go well.

He finally came round and agreed to do this with me. Which I feel is that he is doing for me. However, I know he would make a great dad.

We had our initial interview with SW and they said they are happy to recommend us to manager to proceed with application form. But we need to email them to confirm we still want to proceed.

The Interview lasted 2-3 hrs.

Oddly, I'm now at stage that my dh was in. I'm content with where we are. Easy. No more battering emotionally. Are we inviting problems and another emotional rollacoaster by starting adoption? One of the things that came out of the interview was if our Dogs and the child did not get along, we would have to rehome the dogs. 

The dogs have been our family for the last few years and have helped us get through all those bad days which would've been so much worse without them.

I already take one of my dogs to training classes so if worse case happened and the kid and dogs don't get along, I have trainers to help and support me.

But I have heard of a couple of cases where the dog had to be rehomed.

I'm worried of the potential sacrifice of our dogs.

I'm worried about the potential extra special way we may have to use to look after an adopted child who will have been through potential trauma before meeting us.

I'm worried if I can be a good mum!

I'm worried it will change me and my dh relationship.

I'm worried of losing myself.

Do people go through these last minute jitters before starting their journey? I know people get wedding jitters. I never did. But I'm getting adoption jitters.

I don't think these jitters are enough to stop me moving forward with adoption process though as I think the training sessions will help with these worries?

I been reading stories on here, but just wanted to speak to people about these jitters.

CL


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi!!

Unfortunately I don't have any help or advice, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in having these worries.  what you have said totally summed up everything that worries me, especially about the dog situation. I would have gone insane without my dog so the thought of rehoming him is just not an option for us.

We're trying to evaluated whether to do our 3rd and final ICSI or go onto adoption.

I wish you all the very best and I'm sure you'll get some great advice from the lovely ladies on here. 

Take care
Steph xxxx


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## Catarina793 (Dec 8, 2014)

Hi pink lemonade, so much of how you feel is how I am feeling! We have just arranged an initial visit with a social worker for next week. I'm so nervous!! Over the past 7yrs we have been dealing with infertility and various treatments and my mums had cancer and passed away so also been dealing with that. 
We also have a dog, he is a rescue dog full of energy and excitement. He is great around kids but I am so scared about possibly having to give him up! I would feel so awful as he is part of our family. We too are just in a place where things are settled and now we are thinking of heading into this stressful adoption journey. It's a risk, but I don't want my fears to stop us. 

It's Such a big step, so only you and your partner will know what is right for you. I think it's natural to worry and I think it's good to have a realistic attitude about how hard it might be. Im scared of so much but ultimately know I want to be a parent and hope that social services feel we will be up to it. Can't offer much advice, can only say I feel how you feel! Xx


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## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi Ladies, as you can see from my signature we've been through the adoption process and come out the other end and I won't lie being a mum is emotionally and physically exhausting but it is also unbelievable amazing.
Like u guys we had so much heartache with our ivf and on the day I miscarried our second twin my dad told me he had cancer.
Adoption was always our next step and it felt so liberating to finally be in control again and to know we were finally heading down a path that would lead us to becoming a family.
We were lucky and the process was incredibly quick and straight forward  (we still had challenges along the way but nothing like the past few years) and 3 weeks after being approved we were matched with a 7 month old girl.
She's now been home a year and it was hard in the beginning, I struggled to bond and me and hubby couldn't figure out how to parent together but now she is my world.
When she says mumma, my heart melts when she hugs me I cry when she shows off something she's proud off my heart bursts with love I never thought was possible.
This little person is my beautiful amazing daughter and she's ours forever.
These nervous are so normal, your protecting yourself from getting hurt again.. but if u decide to continue its the best rollarcoaster ride ull ever go on X
Feel free to pm me if u need any advice 😗
Good luck with whatever journey u take xxx


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## Pink lemonade (Feb 29, 2016)

Thanks guys for your words.

Thanks ozzycat for reminding me why I want to do this. There will always be some bad moments but there will be lots of good moments to cherish too from adoption.

I'm not getting my hopes too high until it happens as even if after we get approved, it will take some time to find a match due to our ethnicity. I done alot of research and it's unlikely to be within a year that we find a match.

But going through the process and getting approved will atleast give us an opportunity to become parents.

I'm sure I will have other worries and questions that come up, so will see you guys on here again


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## Pink lemonade (Feb 29, 2016)

Hi Catarina793,
Which is the initial visit? Is that the initial interview with social worker, or the initial visit starting the home study?

PL


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## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

Pink lemonade I could have written your post myself. Myself and dh are also considering adoption after a round of ivf and a diagnosis of male infertility. My heart is saying go for it, but my head has all the same fears as you. Will it change our relationship, will we be good enough parents , will be get approved etc etc. Like you I never got wedding jitters either but I am getting adoption jitters, I hoping that this is normal as it Is such a life changing experience/decision.  Thank you ozzycat for sharing your positive story.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I can only Echo Ozzy as when we started the process it felt like the cloud was finally being lifted. The process was easy for us but at times a bit worrying because of things going on with family that we were terrified would call a halt to the process. However they didn't and it just strengthened our application to show we can deal with the crisis that occur and still be focussed on what was important.
We had the gut wrenching conversation about the dog too. We had a rescue collie who was our absolute world and the thought she might have to be rehomed broke my heart quite literally. I think even now we only went ahead because we knew it was a highly unlikely situation and should the worst happen my parents said they would take her and they only live a mile away. Luckily she wasn't a problem when our son came home but we did very sadly lose her 8 months later.
We were linked with our son as soon as we were approved and we had a few stressful months of plans constantly changing and the threat of it all falling through but our son came home the week before Christmas at the age of 6 months. We now have a boisterous, funny, loving and absolutely awesome 2 year old who is our world! The joy he has brought is indescribable. 
Regards the relationship, we thought we were a string couple but we went straight to adoption from infertility and although no problem in the sense of us not being ready for adoption it did mean we hadn't had the time to focus on us again. So when our son arrived it was all a bit chaotic and the first couple of months nearly broke us but we talk to each other and we got through it and are a much stronger family unit for it.
We absolutely had doubts, plenty of them and especially after placement too as I felt the pressure to instantly love this cute baby but I just felt like a fraud, I felt like every time someone spoke to me about him I felt the need to "confess" in the way you do when you say oh he's not mine he's my nephew or something. That all changed after 6 months when the adoption order was granted and I think on a subconscious level I'd been withholding until then to protect myself. But it was almost instant at that point and now it's almost overwhelming sometimes how much love you can feel.
Wow that was a long one!
Good luck with whatever path you choose.


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## Pink lemonade (Feb 29, 2016)

Thanks Becs40
Can I ask if your SW knew about your doubts through the process? 
I can see I may have further doubts along the way to protect myself. I don't think I be jumping for joy either until we order is granted.
Just wondering if these doubts would make a SW not recommend you at panel stage or if it would affect it at all.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I didn't discuss much with our sw after placement as we'd lost a lot of trust through the process because of the way things were handled. However in regards to our relationship it was a 2 week "crisis" point fir us before it all came to a head and we broke down and talked to each other. This was over the Xmas period do we had no visits during that time either.
With regards to me not loving little man, it wasn't discussed. I felt it was perfectly normal. I've never been a rush in emotional type so I was prepared for that but it didn't stop me wondering if it would change. I did talk to my mum once about it but she was so shocked I never mentioned it again. She loved him but she only saw him for a couple of hours at a time and didn't have to do anything for him. I was getting up 3-4 times a night and 1 of the wake ups would be an average of 2 hours so I was extremely sleep deprived, exhausted and when he cried it was hard to comfort him because I was a stranger to him. All these things make you feel more like a babysitter than a mum a lot of the time because it's so different to life before.
The forums were my reference point and support and I knew a lot of what was going on was perfectly normal.
I have no regrets at all, he is absolutely my life now and he's changed me completely and utterly for the better. I still feel a bit of a fraud sometimes if I'm amongst a group of mum's and they're discussing their kids as newborns etc but as he gets older that's much less common. 
There will always be times where you feel a bit of an outsider to birth parents but ultimately that's down to each individual how they handle that and how much it bothers them.


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