# my first post here - help please



## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Hi everyone


This is my very first post in the adoption area, and to be perfectly honest i have no idea where to begin?
I wont post my life story, but my wife and i are a same sex couple, and we recently came to the end of our tx journey, ive been married twice, so in total been ttc 19 years!
ive had 2 mc, and the rest were bfn.
Its very very early days, and we aren't quite ready to start oir adoption journey, but we have made the decision that its what we both want to do, my wife was happy to go staright to adoption rather than try ivf, where as for me, i needed closure on that part of my journey, so we did our final ivf last sept, and a surprise fet in march, i had never got frosties before so it was a bit of a shock, but i truely feel i have given it my all for a bio child, and i know i wont ever wonder what if i did one more go, because i did do one more go and it didnt work.
So i feel i can move forward to the next chapter completely over tx.


Adoption has always been something that ive spoken about, my mum is adopted and ive felt that i would like to do it, i aways thought i would adopt a sibling for a bio child, but of course things dont always go quite to plan, and theres a reason why, so ive got my fingers crossed that my son or daughter will be bought to me through adoption.


Im not sure what questions to ask, but dw and i have spoken about going to an open evening and just going along to hear what they have to say,  we found out lastnight that our friends have just been to one and they are setting out on their adoption journey, and they told us a few bits and pieces, but i want to find it all out for myself, i dont know where we should go though? our friends went to our local county council, ive obviously been doing lots of googling, what would people recommend? ive recently had some concelling and she was infact an adoption counsellor for barnardos, so she recommened there, then ive seen adoption uk? aaaarggghhhhh i dont know where to go! 


Is there anything we should do to start preparing for what we are going to endure over the coming months?
we are both probably over thinking absolutely everything, dw is worrying we dont earn enough money, but we both have full time jobs, own our own property, so i really dont think it will be an issue, no we dont have thousands of pounds, but then we dont have debt either, just usual bills, we dont even have a credit card!
I worry our home is too small, we have a 2 bed bungalow, yes its little, but we had it more or less rebuilt, so its like a brand new home, nothing needs doing, we would just need to turn our dining room back to a bedroom, so a re decorate and some furniture.
is there any good books or websites? i feel like i should be doing stuff and preparing.
I remember my very first ivf, i knew absolutely nothing whatsoever, then i found ff for my next go, and it was so different going again, actually knowing what was what, so i do feel like i would like to know as much as i can, so when we start the process we're not complete idiots who know nothing.
Do any of you wish you had know certain things or done certain things before you started? 
I thought sept would be a good time to maybe start the application, it would be 6 months on from tx, so i think i will be more than ready for another journey by then.


Any advice or help will be greatly received, and thankyou for taking the time to read my post.


I look forward to getting to know some of you
Poppy xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

First of all Poppy, sorry that you've had the struggles you have. It certainly sounds like you are moving forward which is great.
Any agency you go with will explore this part of your life a lot to make sure you're ready to move forward and that you have managed to come to terms with the loss.
For us I sat down with the phone and Internet and rang 3 local adoption agencies, our county council one, a neighbouring local authority and a voluntary agency. From the 3 calls the neighbouring authority seemed great so we booked to attend one of their open evenings and decide from there. Once we attended the open evening we just got a really good feeling with them so we applied to them.
House size isn't an issue as long as your child will have its own room you'll be fine. Your financial situation sounds good too, they'll explore that with you and how you'll manage when a child is placed. They will want one of you to be the main carer and to have a full year adoption leave so that's something to think about and plan for.
The first stage or state 1 in proper terms is all the physical checks, so they will do the DBS check (formally crb), local authority check, reference checks from 3 different people that know you as a couple plus a work reference. This generally shoukd all be done within 2 months. Then stage 2 is the home study. You will either have been allocated a social worker in stage 1 but sometimes not until stage 2. This social worker will visit you at home and basically go over your entire life with you, they'll explore the infertility, finances, motivation for choosing adoption, relationships past and present, health etc. whilst they're doing this they will be compiling their report that will presented to an adoption approval panel.
During the process there will be preparation training days, we had 4. 2 in stage 1 and 2 in stage 2 but this varies. These days will cover what to expect with a lot of the children that are looking for adoption and can be very hard to deal with hut necessary.
That's all the easy bit! Once you're approved they will look for a suitable match for you, this is often the hardest part because you do not know how long this will take. Some do wait in excess of a year at this point so it's important to try and prepare yourself for that.
That's basically a brief overview but this forum is a mind of information with lots of people either at the same stage as you or further through to help answer any concerns or questions. We're a friendly bunch and a very good source of support throughout the process as you will have good days and bad.
For us we applied March 2014, were approved September 2014, linked with our baby boy in September also and he came home to us in December 2014 at 6 months old. This is why I'm currently up at 3.45am waiting for him to settle again lol! 
It's been amazing and the relief of coming away from tx has been incredible, it was like someone switched the light back on again and our lives began again.
We are extremely lucky that our journey was so quick and straightforward and to have also had such a young straightforward baby placed with us but it's not always like that sadly.
Good luck and keep posting and asking away.
X


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Poppy....nice to see you joining us. 

Becs has done an amazing job explaining the process in fact I dont think I would have even remembered that. I just wanted to echo that no matter how scary you think adoptionl is going to be and worry about the questions that will be asked its nothing compared what we have all been through with ivf.

Similar to becs we started adoption journey in feb 2014 approved in sept 2014 matched with our two boys in October - November and they moved in in feb 2015. 
My husband hated the ivf journey and he said to me that this was just for us the minute we went o an open evening, you will come away knowing everything you need after one of those, 

In terms of space and finances you wound be  fine Hun, childcare experience even looking after family's childern will defo help, and they will probs want to contact you pervious partners if you were married or they were long term. 
Enquire around a few councils aswel as people like barnardos see how you feel when you speak to them you will again no what's right. 
And start considering what age of childern you would like one or two boys or girls that was the first thing we were asked and to be honest I hadn't even thought about IT. In fact it's still a blur 8 weeks into placement thinking that there are two little boys next door chatting away to themselves lol....
Good luck everyone on here is amazing with so many experiences and thoughts. I have learnt a lot from these ladies....you may even regonise some from your Ivf threads xxxxx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Just about to leave for work so don't have time for a 'proper' post but I just wanted to say welcome and hello. These ladies are fab and have helped me no-end - they are worth their weight in gold.

Take care and hopefully speak soon - flash


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Welcome, Poppy!  You sound really switched-on, honest and straightforward - I have a feeling you're going to sail through the process when you're ready to go.

Even the fact that you acknowldge that you're not ready yet is a good sign.  

I don't see anything in what you mention that should cause a serious problem.    You've got the space, the financial leeway, the willingness to learn and the patience.  

My Mum was adopted, too, and it gave me a great head start on knowing that families are made by loving bonds, not just biology.  Adopting our son - as hard as that journey was at times - is quite simply the best thing that's ever happened to us.  He is joy.

Best of luck.


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Ah thankyou for the warm welcome ladies, its so nice to hear your stories and see the success and happiness adoption brings, its such a strange place being in between ending tx and moving onto a different way, i felt so much like i was never going to be a mummy, but coming here and reading through some of the posts, it has reignited the fire in my belly and made me see that i can very much still be a mummy, i guess all my fears and worries are all normal, and you have all gone through the same feelings, its nice that i can get the reassurance and support here, and hopefully in a few months time i can return the favour to the new people coming onto these boards.


becs your post was very helpful, thankyou very much.


laws, i had heard that they will want to contact ex husband, i do not have any problem with this, we aren't in contact, but i can contact him if i wish to and i will want to tell him myself that they need to speak to him, im just concerned he will refuse to, i cant see him being nasty, but at same time i just cant see him helping me, his mind set would be, we are no longer together, i want nothing to do with her or what shes doing, i'd like to think he would cooperate, but not so sure.
what happens in that instance if the ex refuses? 


i also feel scared of being completely honest in what i want, it feels almost wrong to not want certain children, does that make sense?
for me i still want the nurturing of a baby, i totally accept im not going to get a newborn, but i'd like to think we could get perhaps a 6 month old, i want to do nappies and feeding, i also would like our child to only remember us, is it selfish to have criteria? can you be totally honest in what you want? 
i mean if we were offered a 14 month old then of course i would be sitting here saying 'nope too old' but i do want to bring a child up from a baby.


This is all so new to me, i feel like ive stepped into another world, its exciting


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Danni,

Just a quick one for now, (as I'm currently swotting for an interview ), but I just wanted to welcome you to Adoption Land  
I'm looking forward to continuing to share your journey with you my lovely friend, and wish you all the luck in the world  

Everyone's so supportive here , oh and btw, I've heard the mods aren't bad either 

Lots of love 
x x x 

PS...I'll fill you in on my experience of 'contacting ex's' later (both of us have them ).
It was something we were worried about and it ended up being totally fine, as most people will tell you.


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