# Why do we torture ourselves?



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi all   hope everyone ok. Last night I did something really silly and watched that channel five birth night programme . . . WHY DID I DO IT! I knew it would upset me but yet I wanted to watch it and did. Why is it that we do these things. . . or is it just me!? Does anyone else find themselves still drawn to watching things on this topic even though it is pointless and not helpful??

I suppose some of it must be my deep down reluctance to really accept it won't be me going through this process, and wanting to still live in a fantasy land of pretending it will be worth watching as it could be relevant for me one day which it can't be so it is crazy.

I was not too bad during the programme as the stories featured were not all smiles and happy endings but this morning I feel utterly dreadful. I feel for the first time since my tx ended like a failure as a woman, I have not felt this way until now and it is a horrible feeling. I know everything feels ten times as bad today as my period is over due and have been stuck in hellish PMT mode for over a week now, my back is killing me, I am a tearful mess most mornings and bloated like a beach ball . . . nice! Would have had a nice big bar of chocolate by now (hee!) but can't even find comfort in that as doing Rosemary Conley weight loss classes   at present, more torturing myself eh! 

Sorry for the rant, just needed to write these feelings down to help let go of them this morning. Hope everyone else is having a better start to their week  

Huge hugs
Hippy
xxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Hippy,

I am so sorry you're feeling like this huni .......

Please don't beat yourself up about this.  I get the feeling you're feeling angry and frustrated at yourself for allowing yourself to watch this programme?  All I can say is, it's understandable ..... I think most of us here have all been drawn towards programmes like this at one point and probably all of us have been really upset during/after and wonder "why did I let myself do that?..."  I think people in our position are probably even more drawn to these programmes than most because we appreciate it all so much more than those who've never had to struggle and the whole "giving birth" thing just seems so amazing and such a miracle to us all here so I think it's perfectly understandable.  You certainly shouldn't think you are "going back the way" or are a "failure" just because you got emotional watching something on TV.  I think it's also important to remember that you need to allow yourself to grieve and watching something like this can sometimes allow ourselves a "controlled release" of emotions, where we can "let go" in private, in our own space, and in our own time, which I think can be more healing and give us a bit more control than when we get upset unexpectedly during a "bit you in the bum" situation!  We have all been there and I'm sure there are many people out there, who get upset about things on TV, for all sorts of different reasons, so please don't be too hard on yourself hun.

Of course, the wicked B*tch turning up will be adding to your pain today pet, I know.  Please just allow yourself to go with your feelings today .......  Don't beat yourself up about it, just let the tears flow and hopefully, in a few days, you won't be "dwelling" on feeling of guilt about letting yourself go with your emotions, and hopefully, you will feel stronger again in a few days.

I think we expect too much from ourselves sometimes.  This is a huge pain to bear and I don't think we ever "get over it" - we just have to find our own ways of dealing with it and living with it.

In the meantime, I send you love and understanding and a GREAT BIG HUG!
All my love
gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dearest Hippy

 for you today!!!!

This is an interesting subject that you brought up today. I think these programmes can be so soul destroying and upsetting..But as you say Hippy you feel like crap the next day. It brings up so many different emotions and if we are feeling low at the time, they are even more difficult to deal with...
Hippy its not your fault or anyones, it just the way things are at the moment..As Gill said you are naturally going through a grieving process and its maybe healthier to cry and get them out...than keep them bottled up, that says alot for you as a person...
Does this sound strange but my hubby started to band me from watching anything that remotely has to do with IVF/Childbirth....he felt that it was having a big effect on our life and the way it would leave me feeling miserable for days on end...
He also keeps any articles from the newspaper a way from me...i never knew he was such a horder   ...but infact it has had a positive effect, because what i do not know...does not harm me!!!
Getting back to the programmes it was hard at first not to watch them, but i feel now more in control by walking away from them if i think they will upset me..
I now do not really batter an eyelid about watching them...Hippy unless its the middle of the month when i am in a good mood... 
I hope this helps alittle....but i can really understand how you feel today and i think this is really a valid subject to bring up....the media can be positive, but it can have a negative effect if we are not strong enough to deal with it...
However i do tend to watch is Supernanny...that leaves me in shock, sometimes i cannot stop laughing and its a real boost to see the reality of what having a family can also bring..I know its not the answer because we would swap places, but having a family is not always a bed of roses...
Sorry to bang on...
Thinking of you...
love astridx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Dear Gill27 & Astrid - THANK YOU   for such wise and lovely words they meant a lot  
Love
Hippy
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I can't better what the lovely ladies have already said, I just wanted to send you a big   and say that I hope you are doing ok there.

With love,
Emcee x


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

I agree with Emcee. 
Thinking of you and sending lots of love
pp xx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Gil and Astrid have already said it all.  I admit I still watch things too, but then again better out than in as the saying goes. A good old cry is a natural release even if you do feel pap with red rimmed eyes the next day. 

Thinking about you and sending you a cyber   

PS. is wine allowed on Rosemary C diet? if so you deserve a big glass. 


Jane x


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