# Another sleepless night



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello again,
It's late Monday evening here and I can't sleep!
Period is due again in next few days and I'm managing to successfully do my head in by lying in bed and doing the "what ifs". 
During the rest of my cycle I manage to remain sane but these few days get to me.
My chances of a natural pregnancy are so very low to be almost nil but still every month I manage to torture myself.
I was talking to a friend today and she was asking me how I feel aboutthe whole pregnancy thing and I gave a reply that almost convinced meself I had accepted the situation! But now, in the middle of the night the old demon comes back.
When I first started to try to conceive I'd start doing PT about 4 days before my period was due (ridiculous I know but the things we do) I've stopped bringing the pregnancy tests home now as I've got to the point where I just can;t face another single blue line and besides I need to move on. 
I'm goung to have another awful day at work tomorrow because I'll be overtired!
Sorry about the rant but sometimes you need to do it.
Hope everone else is well. I'm envious about your meeting in Bath

Lots love Jo


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi Emma (alias Jo   ) oh hun so sorry you had one of those self torture pre period times last night, boy do I know them well !! My chances are less than zero yet I still can't get my brain to not torture me every time my period is late, and it has a nasty habit of sometimes being at least a week late to just really torture me with totally insane and impossible thoughts of  'could I be Britains first miracle no sperm conception  !!!'

What I am learning however is a few tactics to try to combat this self torture and they are as follows. 

1. Remind myself ourbodies are simply mechanical machines in terms of their functional processes such as our cycles. The cycles don't understand we can't get preg and simply trundle on doing their programmed stuff - which for all of us in the can't have children category is the hardest thing of all, but I am trying so hard to remind myself my body is like a tiny child in that it can't possibly know the periods are fruitless, so I am trying to be more sympathetic to my own body if that makes any kind of sense!? Very hard to describe clearly!

2. Failing the above (which I do quite regularly!!) I have a rule since tx had to end, that I am not allowed to ever do a preg test unless I exceed my all time lateness for a period which is currently 10 days. This stops me from rushing out in my fantasy world and wasting serious money on confirmed self torture with pointless preg tests (I used to waste so much money on these and just like you I even tested before periods were even due!!!). Most periods I never get anywhere near being 10 days late, but on the ones I do it is such a helpful sanity resorting benchmark for me to have, as my period does always arrive just before that deadline and I haven't hurt myself further by buying and wasting a preg test. I also never, ever have them in the house, had to ban myself from that fantasy a long time ago as it was too torturous.

I loathe my periods with all my heart because of what they do to us emotionally and hormonally. I truly believe if I could be rid of them I would manage this whole childless walk so very, very, much better and the times in between my cycles I generally cope quite well with this path, so I really empathise with you hun and share your pain that our horrible and cruel cycles throw upon us every month  

Hope you get through today ok hun, I am thinking of you.
Big hugs
Hippy
xxxxxxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Emma/Jo

In a terrible hurry as running late, but sending you so many hugs you poor thing. My cycle is still all over the place since the IVF, sometimes 25 days like this month, sometimes 36 days....its so horrible when it plays tricks on you, and when your mind leads you down that awful 'what if' path. Hippy said it all so much better and more helpfully, but I a thinking of you.   

Ermey xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Emma, sympathise totally.

Hippy - my last hpt was after my last failed iui.I was 3 weeks late 4 mths after this but wouldnt allow myself to do one as i had just picked myself up from falling apart. Then i was also late a week at christmas last year. I dont think i will ever do one again- unless theres a miracle. And a miracle it would be too as not much bms never mind ordinary going on at the mo!  much to dh's dismay. Although i feel bad i just dont want to get into it all again. I know we go thru this every Jan so hopefully it will improve in the Spring.


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Irisheyes - So know what you mean re the Dh being a bit starved of lovin' at the mo! My poor DH has been very rationed for awhile as like you I am still trying to work through breaking the connection of love making from it triggering the 'miracle what if ' syndrome, which is really difficult one. In a huge effort to work on this, this year, I have booked DH and I for a romantic four night break in Feb (the Valentine week   aaarh! Soppy old Hippy!) in a cute little lodge (with outdoor hot tub   ) in the Cotswolds, so hoping this might help me re focus on just enjoying my lovely Dh without all those pesky and painful old associations related to the above. Hope you and your DH will find your happy balance concerning all this sensitive area too  

Ermey- Can't believe how long lasting the effects of your IVFs have been on your cycle lengths, that is one whole extra horrible burden you have had to deal with, so am sending you big hugs, and thank you so much for your really, really lovely PM today xx

Big hugs

Hippy
xxxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Jo and girls
I can so understand where you are all coming from..
firstly Jo i am so sorry that you have had a troubled few days and with no sleep last night. I understand that feeling of realisation of knowing deep down that the chances of a pregnancy are so slim. As Hippy puts it nicely, you are always hoping to be that miracle that happened against all the odds..
I find it so hard to accept that its not going to happen and i wish with all my heart i could let it go! Thats the battle 'letting go'. Your head is telling you one thing, your heart is telling you another and its just one game of bat and ball..
I discussed with a friend of mine the other night about wanting to be a mother. But when your options are limited it is so hard. But that does not stop you feeling the pain and sadness of not being a mother yourself.Its just a path that has limited directions..
I am not sure that i have those answers, but just to let you know that i feel that pain and anguish for you and everyone on this thread. I wish i could reach my hand out to you Jo and say the right things, but i am sure as long as we can sharing these thoughts, we may make some sense out of it all in the future..
Thinking of you...I wish you could come to the meet up, but we will definately raise a glass to you Jo. You have truly been like a friend to everyone on here and it always lovely to hear from you...
lots of love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hey hippy,had thought of a break for me and dh too. Then we have to organise who is going to mind the terrible teen (ie my stepdaughter,15/16 going on 30). Dh's parents are 80 and although my mum is only 63 not sure she could cope with her without murdering her.They both like to have the last word!!! 

I think it'll be another 2 yrs (til she's 18 before we can get back to the weekends like we used to when she was younger.For now it'll have to be when she's out of the house!!!


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello everyone
thanks for all the lovely replies - it really does help.
Feeling better today  as the old wicked witch finally arrived.
I actually gave in and did PT a couple days ago ("but you know PT can be wrong and a friend of a friend had 20 neg tests and was still pregnant"- ha ha ha). because I'm a GP I do PT's all day (usually for teenaged girls and if its positive mop away their tears and try desperately to hold on to my own). Anyway looking at Pt's all day makes it hard to stop thinking about it - but makes it at least a cheaper torture because I don't have to pay for them!
Sorry re rushed reply but having busy week and will catch up with you all more in next few days

Lots love Jo


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Glad you're feeling a bit better Jo. I laughed at your comment about cheaper torture, are you sure you shouldn't be an accountant?!

flipper


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ahhhhh Jo....

Sometimes all this stuff sucks! Not a very constructive thing of me to say I know, but still... it does... 

Love to you - go gently sweetie

Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Emma/Jo,

Glad you are feeling a bit better. I will really miss you in Bath as I count you one of my new friends. I will certainly be thinking of you. 

I don't have any wise words. If it helps anyone, this wishing each period did not come and doing tests at the minute it could be counted as late did eventually fade away. Now they come as a nuisance. It feels good to have come to that. I guess my split from DH helped in that if in nothing else as no sex = no chance at all by any stretch of the imagination! It just broke the habit of hope against the odds. Now we are back together I still don't wonder if "just maybe." (But I would not recommend splitting and re-uniting as a strategy!  ) But as the periods are still regular I suppose I could still be harbouring hopes. Think it's more to do with passing of time.

Lots of love

Jq


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