# How does having your own child affect the process?



## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

I have a 3 year old boy and was wondering how this affects the adoption process? Is it easier because you can prove you can look after a child or more difficult?


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

If any thing you are going to have more to take into consideration, parenting an adopted child is very different from parenting a securely  attached birth child, you need to do as much reading as you can on parenting an adopted child, they all come with some sort if baggage, and will have suffered trauma in one way or another.

Good luck with your journey, ask any questions you have on here or other adoption forums, that's what we are all here for to help where we can.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It's more complex because your birth child complicates the situation as ss have to be sure that an adopted sibling would be right for the existing child in the family and that they would react okay.  Having patented before can be seen as an advantage by some sw as you have a child focused support network and experience caring for children day to day. However it is incredibly different in a number of ways and any child that is already in the home birth or adopted is a conflict for the needs of a newly placed child as obviously the existing child has a routine and needs etc. However if you are well researched and show you are aware of all the issues and have thought how you might handle them ss will be more than happy I'm sure good luck.


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Narnea

We r quite a bit into the process and have found it ok and we have a birth son. Although they have to take things into consideration for them it prob makes the process less complicated as they can c u already have good parenting skills. Our sw said to us, u have something alot of people don't have which is a healthy happy wee boy and that will be good on ur application.

Good luck
Michelle xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,
There are advantages and disadvantages....
Parenting experience is obviously a positive however be aware that your parenting techniques and the behaviour of your child will be thoroughly explored. Ss will always put the needs of the adopted child above the needs of your child as you would expect.

As the others have said parenting an adopted child is a very different experience. You know your birth child inside out, mostly understand what makes them tick and how and why they react to certain situations. When you adopt your new little person has had lots of experiences about which you will have limited or no knowledge.

You will also need to show that you have experience with other children too.

Our LA wanted at least 2 year age group between children, approval panel stipulated a 3 yr age gap in our case.

You'll need to show you've considered all eventualities and have a strong support network for both you and your birth child.

Wishing you lots of luck and hope your dreams come true
Xx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

I have a birth child and have found my SW has been incredibly positive about our existing skills but also is vocal about making the right choices for us as regards my DS and an AC. It will be a very different experience but don't be put off. The key thing is use the time now to read, research and if possible see if you find out about things like attachment, the issues adopted children or looked after children have or may have. If able maybe see if there are opportunities to work as a volunteer within local council that will help you meet and assist looked after children. Like youth clubs Tec. I work with looked after children and adopted children and even though job and home are very different, it has given me valuable insight. The resources area on these boards is excellent. There are many really good books recommended on there. It was an invaluable resource. I think some of the recent programmes on TV are so eye opening. Good luck


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## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

Thank you all, it is such a scary prospect but I am sure that it will be worth it. After years of failed ivfs I am completely shattered and worry we won't be good enough for adoption either  
My mother thinks I should just be content with what I have and get on with life, hope she doesn't express this to sw when time comes!


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Narnea,
Just had to quickly reply, there were a couple of people close to me who told me that I 'should be grateful for what I've got' I.e. DS
They don't understand what it feels like and they're comments are probably meant kindly.....
Another adopter said she wouldn't bother going through the adoption process if she already had a child...

Just wanted to say I know how you feel


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

As we've been told again and again by SWs they're not looking for the perfect parent -just 'good enough'.
A number of agencies request that any children you have are at least 4yrs old but generally if there's a 2yr age gap they're okay.


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Narnea

Don't worry, you are not alone in having a birth child.  We also have a lovely DD who we had naturally.  We went through DE to have another child as I am in early menopause, well in fact post menopause is more accurate a description.  We talked at length about adoption also before we went through DE and I was definitely up for applying but DP was very cautious.  He now is as keen as I am to adopt and thinks it is a positive thing for our family.

We have just been on our APT Day 1 and Day 2 training course and I have to say the trainers were very professional and excellent at seeing things from all situations, including a birth child, grandparents, friends etc.  The training is emotional and can be quite shocking in the information you receive, but I enjoyed every minute of it and am even more keen to progress.

I have just received a call from the Family Finding Team SW who has told me that because we have a birth child the process will be aimed in Stage 2 at including our birth child and ensuring all information with regard to our birth child's needs and lifestyle are catered for.  She said our priority is the birth child and the SW allocated to us in Stage 2 will ensure we are not rushed or matched with inappropriate children for our needs.

I never wanted just one child as I was an only child and hated it.  Back in those days adoption was very different so although my parents explored it, it didn't happen  because the income levels were too low.  

My mum has been a bit funny about us applying for adoption at the beginning, I could see in her face she was probably thinking why did we want to do this when we have a lovely daughter.  But, we know we are good parents and can give a loving secure home to a child who so deserves it.  We also know that our daughter wants a sibling.  We have 2 friends who have adopted so know it is a difficult process to go through plus very challenging when the child comes to live with you, but we are trying to explore all our thoughts and feelings beforehand to ensure we don't have any shocks when the day comes.

Having a birth child is a good thing, you have fantastic experience in child behaviour, both good and bad and already have made your life changes to accommodate a child in your life.  They like at least 2 - 4 years age gap between birth child and adopted child.  I have been told the majority of break downs in adoption is where people have a birth child so you have to be really sure what you want before going down the process.  Have you been to the information evening yet?

I think one thing they said to us at the training, you need to grow a thick skin because friends and family will all have their opinions to give on the subject.  You have to do what is right for you and your partner/husband.  

Sorry for the rambling.... 

xxxxx


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## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

Thank you all so much for the advice and experiences, not at all rambling  
I dream of children playing in the garden or all excited christmas morning, I know we can give a loving home but I do worry how my son will take it if we ever get there.

Do you think another boy is a bad idea from jealousy perspective?


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi

We have a birth son already and have asked for our preference of ac to be a girl, alot because our son wants a sister(don't know why) and partially from a jealousy point of view as my son is very much a mummies boy and has always been my little boy.  On our application for panel it is not getting put down that we have a preference as don't want the application knocked back but sw said when she is looking at matching she will look more at girls.

When you get started it's best to speak to your sw about it and get your son involved and see which way he goes.

Michelle x


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## Shell15 (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi,

I'm just in the process of staring adoption.  We have our first open evening this evening.  I am also concerned how it will affect us with having an 8 year old son.  I too would like a girl for the same reasons as Treaco.  Somebody mentioned they like an age gap of 2-4 years but I really want our adoptive child to be around the age of 2 or less.  Do you think this will be a problem for us?

Narena good luck with your adoption journey.

Michelle x


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## racheypache13 (Jan 8, 2011)

Hi,
We have a birth daughter and adopted our son almost a year ago. As others have said, there are advantages and disadvantages, although we found it mainly positive.  We already have experience as parents, our house is safe, we have a good network of friends and child care is already is place. 
I too did a lot of reading about parenting an adopted child and it was all very useful but I have to say I often forget our son is adopted, he has fitted in so well! Who knows what is in the future but who knows for my daughter too? It is about awareness of the possible issues but also about enjoying being a mummy to a wonderful child. 
There are 5 years between our children (7 and 2) and we did say we would prefer a boy. The social workers agreed with this choice.
We too had people wonder why but I family just didn't feel complete.....now it does!  
Racheypache


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