# Overbearing in laws



## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi everyone

I think I just want to have a rant!!!

Little one came home 7 weeks ago, we didn't do visitors to start with until we were settled but the moment we gave MiL the green light she has been every day! To the point where during half term (she is a teacher) I was hiding upstairs and locking the door just before her usual arrival time just to avoid her.

It's not so much I mind her visiting, but it's her behaviour with our princess. If I say "oh today has been a bad day, she has been tantrumming and being a bit of a diva since lunch" she will respond "she must have been missing me" but she is deadly serious. Seeing it written makes it sound ridiculous but it makes my blood boil. She will give her biscuits and chocolate while I am making the dinner and then princess won't eat and she will say "that's odd, she ate that when I made her it" arghhh!!! 

She turns up at 6pm some nights right on bed and bath routine and will snatch her away from me so she can have some time with her. She usually turns up just as DH is getting home from work and it is starting to now be a situation where princess associates bath/bed time with Daddy and Grandma rocking up. 

In addition she buys her loads of crap clothes by the bucket load that I just keep taking back (it is however making the food shopping cheaper 😉)

She disagrees with every rule I put in place, and will overrule me - an example, at 6:30pm when princess is crying at the door to play outside and I say no it's too late etc, she will say "Aw nasty Mammy, Grandma will take you" and off they go.

I have tried escaping to friends/family around the time she turns up, but she actually comes looking for us and will come to my friends/families door and come see us. Embarrassing!!

I haven't got much of a backbone in knowing what/how to stand up to her - I did completely lose it last week on poor DH and threaten to move countries if he doesn't back me up, but, I think he is scared of her too. 

She talks to me like I am stupid, and she talks to Princess in this ridiculous baby voice that makes me feel like shooting myself in the face, she bangs on about "when you come to Grandmas school" (over my dead body) and then sneers when I tell her she won't be going to the nearest school or Grandmas school as they aren't my choice.  

I did ask her not to give biscuits before dinner again, and thee have been a few occasions I have put my foot down, but how can I get out of these daily visits? When princess cries for me if she is holding her she will walk away from me with her and distract her... It makes my heart break

Someone please give me some tips! Or any advice? 

From a desperate Mamma 😜


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi Nicola30
I don't have this problem as am single, but can relate re other family members. 
This is an important time for you and Princess to be bonding and forming routines so you are quite right to feel this way. It can be so hard to get people to understand though (without feeling you are being nasty as they just want time with her too). Did she always used to pop round or is it only since littlun came home? Would it be possible to invite her at specific times which suit you better? Alternatively I found social workers could be a good excuse - "the social worker says" or "the social worker will visit..." if you don't feel able to be forceful with her. Just remember you are doing what's right for your new family so don't ever feel guilty. And if she doesn't respond it may come down to just telling her to back off.
Big hugs as know this can be difficult, Kiz  x


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## IloveWesties (Aug 15, 2014)

Hi Nicola

I was intrigued by the title of your post on the FF front page so clicked. I didn't want to read and run as I can tell this must be an extremely difficult and upsetting situation for you.

Congratulations on the arrival of your little one. You must have been through so much to get to this point. I'm in the middle of my second treatment cycle but me and DH have already discussed adoption further down the road if it doesn't work out for us to have our own child.

While I haven't been in your situation - and I hope someone who has will come along and offer some helpful advice to you - I do know what it's like to have an overbearing mother. Your MILs behaviour is totally unacceptable as you've explained it and also quite mean and spiteful towards you. I assume she knows everything that you and DH have gone through to get your daughter?

The only solution I can see is that she needs to be spoken with about boundaries. Firstly, daily visits may not be the frequency that you would like and also just turning up unannounced also isn't a scenario that I would want on a regular basis, especially as you are trying so hard to set a routine for your new family.

Does your MIL have a husband/partner? Perhaps it may be better coming from your DH as he's her son? Or you and him together one evening when your DD is in bed? 

Sorry I can't help more and I hope it sorts itself out soon. Good luck x


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi Nicola
Firstly congratulations on the arrival of your little one. It's such a difficult time so early into placement for you, so sending lots of hugs 
I know other ladies will give advice in a more constructive way, but it needs to stop and stop now. 
I don't know your circumstances with your MIl, i take it she is local? How was your relationship before? Is this her first grandchild? What was explained to her about adoption prior to LO arrival?
We are both lucky and unlucky that grandparents don't live close, so we were able to control things right from the start. The way your mil is acting is causing you a lot of stress which in turn is not helping you. Even when we introduced family we never let them do any care activities, even things like hugs and cuddles were kept to a minimum. I learnt on here about funnelling, still don't know all it entails others maybe able to help, but she shouldn't be snatched off you, and if she needs you, then it's you she goes too. You need to sit down with your dh one night and explain how you feel and it needs to stop. She is your daughter not hers. He needs to discuss this with her and explain why it's so important. Has she been on any family friends training, or been giving any books to read? I definitely agree with speaking to your sw, it may be that they are happy to 'accidentally'be there when she visits. We were honest with our family members about the training we had and social workers advice, so use them.
Did she always just pop round? Your daughter needs stability, structure, routines and bonding time and lots of it. Maybe suggest that meeting on weekends would be better?
Even now 10 months down the line I allow my family members a bit more 'free reign', however I can see with my eldest that as her attachment seems fragile and work really hard to pull her back in on family days out as she will flight off with her cousins and begin to ignore me and get defiant. Over Christmas was hard as didn't want to exclude my mil or my father, but I was glad when my mil left, she is not spiteful or manipulative at all, but said some really stupid things that did our tree in. She said to my 2 eldest, why don't you come live with grandma as I don't have a naughty step (we don't even call it that), my daughter actually started thinking about what she needed to pack, she got upset and started crying and having a melt down the next day, my mil soon started to back peddle as she doesnt 'do tears'. She even said to her daughter she thought we were to strict and told them off too much, when I was sat right next to her. I told my dh and he addressed it with her, things were a bit strained but she understands. I'm adopted so my dad had a lot more understanding although he is quite soft so not always helpful! We sat them down and explained very simply what had happened to them (this was after 5 months), and why we were doing what we were doing to make them feel safe, secure, attached. Im quite a bossy person, but I even found it hard as didn't want relationships to break down.
Just have in your mind that this is going to be tough, but it's in the best long term interests of your LO and her future with your family, she needs protecting, nurturing and to feel secure. You can do this. Good luck x


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Thanks girls - I think I might speak to our SW and ask if she might be able to help by perhaps arranging a visit bang on Grandma o'clock.

Just to put it in to perspective, she maybe used to visit 3-4 times per YEAR! Although DH would visit her weekly, often with me. She only lives a few miles away.

I have just tried broaching it with DH and I don't think that's going to be an option of him speaking to her, he genuinely doesn't see where I am coming from. Although I have told him we are going out for the whole day today and we won't be back for her visit so she will have to whistle! 

It has been a huge long and emotional journey to get to this point, and I guess I was looking for reassurance that I aren't being selfish for feeling this way about MIL. She is only too aware of the hurdles we have faced and has been wholly involved with the adoption process, she and FIL have been really supportive and we couldn't have asked for more, and ordinarily our relationship is as good as the next persons I guess.

DH is a bit of a Mummy's boy, I think he might even be a bit scared of her, but he is going to have to step up!

Thanks for your support x


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Aww I think you have a very excited grandma. They really do come from a very different generation and genuinely don't understand the complexities. How you are feeling is completely understandable, most of us would feel excactly the same. Mil is likely to be wanting to 'help' going through that whole 'poor little thing, has had a tough time, give them whatever they want'. I am married to a mummy's boy, and yes he will just have to step up, he may not see it, but it's you he needs to support. I'm sure it will get sorted x


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## IloveWesties (Aug 15, 2014)

Hi again Nicola. I'm glad you spoke with your DH, although it's a shame that he doesn't seem to see your side. Perhaps you've hit the nail on the head that he is a bit scared of his mum? What is your DH's relationship like with his Dad/your FIL? If your MIL is visiting on her own, perhaps it may be a good idea to speak with both your MIL and FIL so they both understand? Your FIL may be completely oblivious and may help you if he was aware?

Great idea to get the SW to visit when she's there (love 'Grandma O Clock' ha ha).

I hope we've reassured you that you're not being selfish. To be frank, it sounds to me like you have your DD's interests at the forefront of this and that your MIL is the one being selfish!

Good luck honey, I'm sure you'll get it sorted. I hope you have a wonderful bank holiday weekend with your daughter x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

where do you live? happy to come over and pose as a social worker and guard the door for you and have a word with her  


poor you..she sounds a bleedin nightmare.  mummy phinie is right, it needs to stop now. it'll only get worse if you don't set the boundaries now. Step up now or she's gonna walk right over you frorever. If you cant face saying things to her face then write it down and send it ..writing things down might help you process it all a bit anyway..even if you dont send it..


make sure you show that you are so grateful for her interest in LO's life, and all her support ….BUT... this is a CRUCIAL time in LO's life..attachment hasnt magically happened in 7 weeks..its going to take a LONG time…and it doesnt need interruptions. YOU have you do all her care..every mouthful of food that goes past her lips, every nappy change, every change of clothes, every bath time. YOU YOU YOU, not her! its important that you all settle into life as a family and you into a weekly routine that isnt exhausting for you or LO..so give her set days and times she can come..maybe once in the week and one at the weekend..invite her for 'coffee' or  'a walk to the park' so it has a set time frame..tell her what time she needs to go home by so that you can get on with your routine..as someone else says. you can say it what the SW recommends ..for the first year!!!
If  you are kind and firm and she still gets the hump, well so be it..you'll have tried your best..if she's a nice person she will understand and give you the space you need.


good luck!


kj x


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## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

i agree, you need to nip this in the bud. You really don't want to end up how I did! Mil was a relatively normal person pre grandchild, although some signs of lunacy present in retrospect lol. I wanted just Dh and sis at the birth but mil presented herself when I was frankly in too much pain to even look at her. It was an emcs and I didn't get to hold lo as she was whisked off for antibiotics. In recovery mil took lo off dh saying she wanted to be the one to hand the baby to me. I was shocked but screwed up from drugs etc. mil went weird but sort of kept a lid on it over following months. A few things were said tho which really peed me off. Came round once with hands on hips before even saying hello and said what's this I hear about your mother having Elsie for the night? I'm not having this favouritism. I'm going to have to look after her now too. Fast fwd another few months, we had only just moved house and I was v stressed. Had and still have chronic insomnia. Mil wanted to come up and stay. Dh obviously too scared to tell her it wasn't right time as I was anxious and sleeping 2 hrs a night. Me and dh went out to cinema leaving her to look after lo but we came back yo her playing with lo at midnight gggrrr. Later I lost it completely and went off to my mums at 2am. Long story short was put on sleeping tablets and antidepressants and had to stop bf my baby. I now can't wait for lo to be old enough to go with dh on her own to mil. I just don't want to know anymore really. Please don't let this happen to you. Resentment really builds up and Eats away at you. Good luck xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I absolutely agree with others that this should stop immediately.  Her visits need to be scaled back and definitely not at bath/bedtime.  This is crucial bonding time with you.  Your little one is in a very vulnerable state at the moment and you need to be the one to meet all her needs.  She certainly shouldn't be having lots of close cuddle time with anyone else except DH.  These first few weeks and months are crucial, absolutely crucial, and hard as it is you absolutely have to have the conversation with your MiL now, and explain that your baby needs to learn that you're Mummy and you'll always be there for her and you'll always comfort her, and everyone else involved needs to reinforce that.  She's lovely, but it's Mummy and Daddy who'll always be there for her.  Food is a big bonding tool, especially for kids who may have gone without.  You need to give her all treats and you definitely don't want to be in a situation where other people are trying to give her treats and you're saying no, so make sure MiL understands that everything like that comes from you right now, and that she really can't keep questioning you in front of your daughter.

It's a really tough one because relatives who don't want to get it, won't get it, no matter what you say, but I would suggest you both sit down with her and agree what is going to be best for your little one in terms of time and frequency of visits, and what involvement she should have at this stage.  Maybe suggest a couple of times a week at times when l/o is wide awake and she could come and have a play.  Explain that when little one is starting to attach to you properly (and be realistic with time frame, secure attachment takes at best around 12 months to form with a toddler) she will be able to do more.  It's lovely that she's so involved, but little one needs to come first, and the thing that she needs more than anything else right now is to know that Mummy is always there to meet her needs.  MiL taking her away from you while she is crying for you is a definite no.  If she wants you, she gets you.

We had real issues with my MiL taking over in early days, and it ended up with us not seeing them for nearly four months after we had our second child.  Visits were so confusing for our little girl and they couldn't/wouldn't understand why MiL taking over as Mummy was a bad thing because our little girl seemed to welcome it.  It's only really now three years in that MiL is starting to see that Wyxling is a pretty messed up little girl and that there are some real issues there/her behaviour is not at all normal, because in a very young child it can be really hard to see that there are things wrong.  At the moment after the huge loss of her move, there is most definitely a lot wrong for her.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh my word, not selfish at all! This has to stop, and stop now! My heart is actually racing in distress for you... ((((hugs))))

Look, attachment can take years to form properly, and if we don't get it right, it can hamper our LOs with their relationships the rest of their lives. At seven weeks no-one should be giving your LO those primary care 'touches' except you and DH. Like KJ says, all food, comfort, nappy changes, cuddles etc should be coming from you. If you're both there, and she falls over, MIL should be expressing sympathy and telling her, "Mummy will take care of you."

This is not about a new mummy facing off with a MIL, it's about getting your LO's brain and social development off to the right start and preventing long term harm. Sorry if I'm scaring you, but I'm trying to reassure you it's not you.

I don't care if your DH mans up or stays hiding behind the SWers, but he needs to acknowledge that this isn't about domestic boundaries, its' bigger than that.

Personally, I'd ask the SWer to come round at Gran o'clock and then follow that up with a session for family and friends on attachment.

[THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN], but if your MIL poo-poos that, ask her if she wants the placement to fail, her to lose her grandchild, and that child's life be blighted. That's not going to happen, of course,  But those are the stakes she needs to acknowledge.

Congrats on becoming a mummy, and if your awareness of this problem is anything to go by, you're doing a GREAT job! 

PS Oh, and if you do talk to her about it, stress how you happy you are that LO has Gran in her life )

PPS I could have not written this and just said, "what Wyxie and KJ said...."

;-)


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

OMG what a nightmare, she is being totally inconsiderate (as a minimum!) BUT if no-one is saying anything to her I guess she maybe just doesn't realise. As everyone else has said it's so important to deal with this asap and personally I would tell my DH to step up RIGHT NOW!!  (easier said than done though by the sounds of it!).

Sometimes if it's hard to get the confidence to say something coming from 'you', why don't you try sitting down and talking to her about what the 'social worker' told you the 'other day' about how 'I need to limit visits from anyone until the attachment bonds are stronger which may take up to a year, however we love seeing you but I've been told to reduce it down and organise visits outside of the house in a structured way because she needs routine etc etc I'm really sorry but I have to do what the professionals tell me because they know best.....etc and I know you love xxxxx so we all want what's best for her.....and I'll definitely try and involve you as much as possible within their recommendations....'  yes make it up if need be!!


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

wEEs said really, especially Wyxie and AoC. you have to knock this on the head right now. and if your H won't grow a pair then you're going to have to strap some on sadly.

even if your child wasn't adopted, overriding your discipline is not on. I'd go mental if my mother did this to me. and believe me I speak from experience as my mother is a PITA too, but not a patch on your MIL! she was just the same, I could go two months without speaking to her, now she's round every week and wanting us to move near her. as if.

my mother really annoyed me as i allowed her a sneaky visit early on on condition she stayed in the background and didn't engage with him, i went out to make a cuppa and when i went back she had him on her knee. she also totally oustayed her welcome, and we had a terrible meltdown later on. I leant my lesson sharpish and after that it was visits in neutral places only. and that was once a fortnight for a good six months.

she needs telling the bare facts as AoC has presented them. does she want this placement to disrupt? and she may fall out with you but I bet it'll be temporary and she'll get over it. And even if she doesn't...better this than your child not bonding.

if you like make out its all you so she blames you and not her son. so what, bet you'll cope


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Thanks so much girls for your support.

I've kinda taken a cowards way out of it, and managed to get the conversation around to the subject with her but made out I was stressing about my Mum - I then listed everything MIL does in a pleasant but "it's causing me anxiety" way and I think she has git the hint. We've had 1 visit in 7 days!

I wish I had spoken up sooner, and she was obviously aware of what it was I was saying, though she never made a big deal out of it.

Again, thanks everyone x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Well done you!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

doesnt matter which way you did it..it obviously worked! well done!
kj x


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