# 42 and husband wants to try for 2nd child......



## Riley12 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi,

I'm 42 and my husband is 37.

We had a bit of a bumpy fertility ride but we were completely blessed to have our little girl (own eggs etc.) in 2014 when I was 38: see my signature below.

I always thought we would have more than one child but that was before any diagnosis and before IVF and before two miscarriages. My husband comes from a large family and has always thought we'd have more than one child too. So we were always on the same page at the beginning.

Here we are in 2019 and *he* is sooooooooooooooooooooo broody. All he sees is the cut and dried "I want us to have another baby" statement. He doesn't see that I'm 42, that our girl really was a miracle so we should be happy with what we have, that my eggs are also 42, that I'm scared of late term miscarriage, can we afford two kids now, our life is settled, I'm finally starting to feel back to my old self again, what if we are pushing our luck etc etc etc.....I have so many negatives in my head.

He wouldn't want a donor and "just wants to try and see what happens"....

A lot of the time I feel fit and healthy and "yeah lets do it!" but I also have days where I feel 42 and things hurt and I'm tired and I think "could I really do sleepless nights again?!". DD didn't and still doesn't sleep a lot. I'M B****Y TIRED!!  

I honestly don't know how I feel and I think I just need some perspective and opinions.

Any advice or comments would be gratefully received as I'm in a downward negative spiral and he's planning a future with two 

Baby dust to you all and thanks in advance for any contributions 

Riley xx


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## Miss Sunshine22 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi Riley

No words of advice or wisdom, I am just writing to say I'm in a similar dilemma. After a rocky fertility journey and a pretty hazardous pregnancy, and the miraculous safe birth of our son at the grand age of 44, I was happy to close the door on all things fertility.

However, we have 5 top quality blasts left (DE). Last year, my husband was adamant he didn't want us to go for more treatment, said we would be pushing our luck, so I spent the last year putting myself off the thoughts of going through it all again - the hideous treatment, the fact that we have a nice routine going now with our 22 month old, the risks of another pregnancy, fears of how we would cope if things went wrong again in the pregnancy, thoughts of managing sleepless nights with a newborn and a boisterous toddler ... I did a good job of convincing myself we were done.

But then last month, my DH did a complete turnabout and has said he would go for it again if I agreed. It's thrown me into a spin, and I am struggling to decide. If I say no, will I always wonder what if ... if we go ahead, will I cope with the anxiety of another pregnancy .. Would I or the child be ok if things went wrong again .. Would we cope with two children? 

I am still not decided, but I keep hoping the answer will come to me soon. Like you, some days I think "yes let's do it " and other times I think "are you flippin mad? No blxxdy way" I keep thinking of one neighbour at home, she's 52 and has a 4 yr old and 2 yr old, and on my positive days I think of her and that it's very possible. 

Sorry I've no advice for you, just wanted to empathise. I hope you come to your decision soon.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

I know how hard it is. I'm doing this as a solo mum, so no one to back me up, but it is definitely manageable. I am just like Miss sunshine's neighbour - 52 and have a nearly 5 year old son and a 2 1/2 year old daughter! Do it if it's what you want.


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

I'm just 43 and had my second little girl 4.5 months ago. Yes, I get tired, but I would be tired if I was 23. A sleepless night is a sleepless night after all.  I also have a 23 month old, and she's a none stop ball of energy, so I feel extra tired but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so pleased we tried again. 

That said I do understand your worries though. Good luck with your decision and whatever decision you make, it'll be the right one for you at that time xx


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## teacups (Nov 23, 2016)

Have to disagree with you there a sleepless night in my 20s felt very different to in my 40s! Maybe that just me. 

In my case i have a dd after numerous ivfs and spent aa while deciding will I/ won't I go back. I didn't and am content with my lot. I'll be 47 this year and have seen family/ friends going through hell with teenagers so not sure I want to be dealing with that in early /mid 60s.


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## Riley12 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hey ladies, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply  

Miss Sunshine22 - it feels odd that the guy is the one pushing for the baby right?  I always thought it would be me who was the driving force behind it all not him.  I guess for you the fact that there are the frozen embryos waiting in the wings makes it even more hard to decide  

deblovescats - kudos to you in bucket loads!  I spend a lot of time solo because of DH's job BUT he is there 50% of the time so my hat is well and truly off to you!

June2015 - I guess by having a large age gap (it would be 5 years if things happened quickly) DD would be in school a lot of the time and I could focus on another one.

teacups - yep, no sleep is so much harder the older you get.  I used to manage on hardly any sleep and be absolutely fine.....at this age by the afternoon I could do with a little nana nap to make it until bedtime    You raise the other concern of mine which is being older and dealing with the teenage/university issues.  I think I'm so much more patient and tolerant than I was when I was younger so I think DD gets the best of me in that sense BUT my age is a real concern for me.

One other thing for me is that DH's family are overseas and my family is very small.  We move around with DH's job a lot so I wonder am I thinking more of DD and someone for her?  And if I am is that even the right reason to have another child?  I guess I feel without me and DH who would she have?  My parents are very elderly, my sister and her DD live miles away and my DD only knows DH's family via brief Skype chats.

Thank you again for your insights, plenty for me to think about  

Riley xx


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

For our family, I was typically the driving force for wanting this last baby. However, we were both very much aware that my eggs were shot and his sperm had well and truly left the building 😂 So we noted for double donation. I am 46 by the way. Him 38.  The first cycle resulted in a negative s we went back for the frozen blasts and we now have a 15 week old son. I'm not finding tiredness any more than I did before, in fact this one is over as he sleeps through now has done for the last 2 week's. He's quite a good baby, good job as we only have my 78 yr old mum as emotional support.  She doesn't feel confident enough to physically have the baby and that's okay. 

I can't really advise on your personal circumstances, that's for you and your husband to decide. However, I can tell you that on the other side,  having a baby can in your 40's can be very rewarding. Yes, it's hard work, but very, very rewarding.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Of course, it's your personal decision, but I think that the more children are in a family, the more life satisfaction you have. But it's only my personal opinion.


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