# Today 'I feel like a Failure'



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi
You know i thought my life was going swimmingly along and i was being positive and looking forward as best as i can to our future...well bam today...
I have just been told that my friend (not on this this website) is pregnant with her first Ivf...that i am ok about strange enough, because its life and we all deserve some happiness...
I don't understand why it has affected me and i feel so sad, i know i will feel better later. But it has brought back all those years of hurt and having failed treatments. I feel sad and its as if i have been caught up back in the past and its an awful reminder. I am aware that even if you get pregnant its not a guarantee but its just that feeling of failure either way...A sad reminder of the life that was planned and that its not the life we both mapped out.
Its a horrible feeling and i suppose the only way i can relate this to this, is that we can ony learn to live with it. I suppose there will always be situations that will always hurt us..I am hoping that this feeling will only be temporary and i can move forward, but i haven't felt like this in a long time.
Sorry i needed to get this off my chest, because i have to go and put on a smile for all those poorly patients....
love astridxxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Astrid just want to give you a hug sweetie  wish I could say something that would help.


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Oh astrid, you are allowed to feel bad.You are always strong for he rest of us!! Is she a very good friend and will you feel that you have to see her? Maybe you are thinking that if you continued treatment it would have been you? that is hard to deal with and just take the time to be upset.  Is she the first pg you have heard of in a while? Maybe that is why you feel the way you do. Have a few glasses of wine or whatever and just think about how far you HAVE come 
We are here anyway and you know we understand.


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I know the feeling Astrid and it is utterly, utterly horrible and can knock you for 6.  I know from my own experience it takes time to recover your balance and equilibrium.    As they say in Turkey, "may it pass quickly".  You're not a failure, you just human.


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Dear Astrid    ,

I know exactly how you are feeling today.   I got am email from someone yesterday who told me they were pg.  The couple are in their early 40s, and the pg isn't even planned as they didn't want children.  I felt like I had been hit by a 10 tonne truck.

I thought I'd got to a place where I was comfortable with our situation, and thought all the possible pg announcements amongst my family, friends, and workmates had come to an end, then wham !  I just hate they way this messes with my mind, as I start to question why we stopped trying when we did etc. etc.  

I gave myself a pep talk last night, telling myself that this is just the latest in a long line of announcements, and I've coped with them before so I'll cope with this one.  But pg announcements are the absolute worse thing for me.  Once the pg is established , I'm fine.    I do wonder whay this happens to people who don't want kids.....it seems the ultimate irony.

I know in time these feelings will fade, but it feels so raw when it first happens.

Lots of Love and hugs, 

Eilidh
XX


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I don't know what to say but I think saying nothing is worse so sending you a big  instead

Debs


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## Smurfs (Oct 19, 2004)

Astrid

So sad to read your post, I am sending you a big  

Take care love Shaz xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid huni,

I was so saddened to read your post.  As Irish Eyes said you are always so good and strong for all of us .......... you are ABSOLUTELY not a "failure" although I understand why you feel like that.

As you say, you just feel good for that little bit and then "bang" - it hits you and those feelings of loss, isolation, dread and fear hit us once again.  I really don't know if we will ever "get over" this ........ I think the best we can all hope for is to "find our way".  by that I mean, through this Crap experience, "find our own way" of "dealing" (??) with this....... and I think this will take a long, long time.

The hurt runs soooooo deep and as much as we try to be strong, get involved in other things and take a day at a time, I don't think we will ever be able to fully "forget" and "move on".    It makes it even harder that people dont understand how much this affects our WHOLE life, our attitude to life and our day-to-day life.  I know I think about it every day and I wish there was a pill I could take that would 1.  Take the pain away and 2.  Let me forget even for a day ......

Please dont feel guilty about your feelings towards this news.  As you say, its not that we dont want it for our friends, its just that its a painful reminder of how "easy" it can be for other people and it throws up all the questions again about ourselves like "WHY WHY WHY " and this can so quickly thow us into a depression when we least expect it.  Please dont think that feeling like this is a "step back" in any way.  You have come through SO SO much and you really are such a strong, lovely, genuine and inspirational person and I'm sure you dont realise the difference you make to half the people in your life ......  I know you've made a huge difference to mine already Astrid.

Please dont beat yourself up asking yourself "why" this has affected you.  You have come through so much and you b***dy" deserve to grieve ........  There aren't many people who could come through what you have and be so strong.  Allow yourself a few off days.  Allow yourself a good cry ..... 

I feel like crying for you Huni as I know how this feels and it hurts me that someone so strong and genuine as you is hurting like this because it is absolutely no joke and it is very difficult to pull yourself back out ..... but I have faith in you and I know you will ..... in your own good time.

I wish I could give you some words of wisdom as to "why" after all these years, we still get such strong and difficult emotions coming flooding back to haunt us ..........  There is nothing to say ............. and it makes me feel so sad for you, for me and for all of us going through this.  Even the words "going through" are hard and difficult to understand because we're not "going through" anything any more which makes these feelings even more difficult to deal with after all these years have gone by ......

I would normally say plan something nice this weekend with Paul but I know even this is hard when you're feeling like this because you'll still be feeling down and nothing really, can make you "forget".  I really really wish there was some expert out there who would come up with a pill to deal with this awful B*****d of a thing to go through.  

I'm sending you a HUGE HUG huni,

Remember,  take your phone off the hook, shut the curtains, and take the time you need just for YOU and Paul

Talk to you soon my friend
All my love
Gill xo


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

Astrid

    Let the tears come. You have been so strong for me and given me wonderful pep talks and I can only wish you well and time and strength to deal with this. 

Thinking of you.
Katherine


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## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi Astrid, 

Just wanted you to know that I'm sending you loads of hugs and thinking of you. After all of my positivity earlier in the week I've had a wobble today;  it does jump up & bite you just when you let down your guard. 

I hope you feel better soon, and realise that we're all rooting for you and wishing that these feelings pass as quickly as they can. 

With much love and big hugs

Sam
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Astrid hon

Unfortunately there are going to be many times when you will be hit like a bolt out of the blue. Its yet another part of the journey - a horrible part of the journey, because things like the news you have had really ram it home that this has not happened for you. It is so devastating and what is part of the 'silent suffering' that no-one except those nearest and dearest to you see.

I have had many moments like this, and as much as I wish I could take away your pain, and anyone elses pain and suffering when they are going through this, I can't. But there is one thing I can promise you, this will make you reflect upon yourself and your circumstances, and you will get through this and become a stronger person for it. Not that I think its fair any of us have to go through these sort of things though, and not that I don't think you are already an incredibly strong and courageous lady, because you are.

Life is one big long rollercoaster for all of us living with the effects and aftermath of IF, sometimes, even after all of these years there are days when I wish I could get off the rollercoaster.

Sending you my love through this trying time, and holding you close.
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear all

Thankyou so much for all your kind words and support..i really apprieciate all the kind and warm words and most of all your understanding. I am overwhelmed with the response...thankyou!!!
I think the most important thing is realising there will be good and bad days. Its just when you think that you are on the right track and something that we have all faced time and time again should appear and slap you right in the face. I thought that i was dealing with it and i suppose in my own way i am but i wasn't prepared for yesterday. 
I have analysed the situation and the good thing is i don't feel so bad about it today and so i think that this period of feeling like s**t is getting shorter. I know we can only take things to a point and eventually it will find a way to release itself...I suppose the feeling of failure is where i was putting pressure on myself and that made me feel even worse. Its just not my fault or anyones, but i will probably question it from time to time thats all part of the IF road.
I must have looked a right spectacle walking around the park with my dog, balling my eyes out      . This is something i would have done a couple of years ago and i didn't expect to be going back down the old slipperry path. Well hey, today is another day and i ain't going to let it beat me...
Thanks everyone, where would i be without you and your kind words and thoughts...
Love Astridxx


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