# Unconventional route here but still childless :(



## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Hello,

I hope you girls don't mind me posting in here...I'm not really sure it's the right place to be but there isn't anywhere else.

I'm in a rather different situation to everyone else and hope I don't offend anyone....I've not been through years and years of TTC and treatment...I cant even imagine how that would feel. My hopes for a baby were over before they got started.

I'm in a same sex relationship with L, my OH. We've been together 7.5 years now and I love her dearly...can't imagine my life without her. For the first 3 years everything was hunkey dorey. We talked about the future, made plans (as you do) and even picked a school and short-listed names for our children. We decided we'd like 2, since OH has a sister and loved their childhood together. I'm an only child and always wanted a sibling.

In 2009 I was 26 and wanted to get cracking...I'd always wanted to be a mum in my 20s. OH was only 23 and just wasn't ready. We both had minimum wage jobs and though we had bought a house thanks to some inheritance money, we didn't have any spare money and she wanted to be more financially comfortable. Plus she wants to travel and see some of the world. I contemplated leaving then, thinking we didn't want the same things, but she assured me we did, she just needed time, so I stayed and we waited (and watched everyone around me get accidentally pregnant...ouch!)

End of 2010 and I brought it up again. She ummed and aahhed but agreed we could start looking for a donor (we were going to do home insemination) After a fair few months we found one, emailed a lot then finally arranged to meet but then the bad snow came and we couldn't. We moved house and jobs, so everything went on hold for a bit. Then we had a bit of a traumatic situation with our live-in landlord controlling our every move and I moved in with a friend temporarily and got thinking about where my life was heading.

By this time I was approaching 28 and desperate to get started TTC. I have all the symptoms of PCOS without the cysts, so getting a BFP was never going to be straightforward or easy for me. Again I contemplated leaving but again she assured me she just needed time, and agreed to look for a donor by the end of 2011. We did this, but discovered a total lack of donors in our area bar 1. We met him, signed contracts and arranged for him to come over in 2 weeks when I was due to ovulate.

The day before he was due to come, OH said she didn't like him. He made her feel uncomfortable. Lots of talking, crying and soul searching and she finally admitted that she didn't know if she'd ever be ready as she didn't know if she even wanted children at all.

Heartbroken is not the word.

The months that followed were incredibly difficult. I had to hold it together at work, but spent the rest of the time in floods of tears. She told me she'd understand if I had to leave, didn't want me to not follow my dream because of her, but I don't want to do it alone. I dont just want a baby, I want a family. With her. We had 3-4 months left on our tenancy and neither of us could afford to move out so we stayed living together. Didn't tell anyone either, so still continued going round to OHs sisters to visit, her parents and mine...slept in the same bed...life went on. Gradually the tears stopped, replaced by an aching emptiness...total apathy interspersed with overwhelming realisations of what was happening. Our tenancy ended, but I had several months left on my work contract and OH a few months left at college so we stayed. I fantasised about 'going it alone' but had nowhere to move to and couldn't imagine life without her.  And anyway, due to my issues a baby isn't even guaranteed, I couldn't walk away from an otherwise lovely life for a 'what if it works.' So I stayed. And here I am. We moved away in September so she could start her nurse training. 

Not the conventional route to facing a childless future, but struggling with being here just the same.

In the time we've been on this path, our closest friends have all had a baby, some have had 2. OHs sister has a daughter too now... which was hard and painful to deal with as she moved in next door. I thought becoming an aunt might help, but it didn't. 

I just don't know where life goes from here. Everything I've ever wanted, all my hopes and dreams revolve around being a Mum...family life. I can't imagine a life without a child.

I'm not working at the moment, haven't been for 7 months now due to anxiety and depression. My GP hasn't been great and is trying to force me back into employment (even though I have no job!) and attack the anxiety with CBT without talking through the underlying issues.

My plan was to have a child then when they go to school, go to uni. I wanted to be a midwife. I love all things pregnancy and birth related and know more about things than many people who have been through it!! OH is doing her nurse training, so in the long run we'd be comfortable financially and be able to give our child the life we planned...a house in the country, a vegetable patch, riding lessons and camping trips. Now I cant face being a midwife when the prospect of pregnancy and birth is not open to me, so I'm studying at home with the open university...natural sciences, so biology, chemistry, physics, geology...it's interesting, but doesn't fill the emptiness inside. I dont know where it's going to lead, since my future was always going to be as a stay at home mum, then part time midwife. I don't want to do anything else. I dont want to BE anything else.

Im sorry for ranting on here. We've moved so often we have no friends, and the ones I made on wtt boards are all mummies now. Our only lesbian friends have just started the IVF process, so they'll soon be moving off our radar as we have less and less in common with them.

I'm 30 this year, and terrified about the future and it's emptiness. No family holidays with OHs sister...little cousins growing up together, no family Sunday dinners, no epically excited little faces at christmas. No little arms wrapped round my neck, no first steps, first words, no first day at school...no little voice saying 'I love you mummy' 

I don't think it's even sunk in really. Because I'm only 30, there's part of me that thinks it'll still happen. It's bound to...thats what people do, I've always taken that for granted. It's so engrained in my head I don't know how to imagine a life that doesn't involve a child or 2...and later, grandchildren. Im just going to end up one of those lonely old people who sits in their chair in front of the tv and doesn't see a single person. No friends, no family. The stories you read about where an old person has died but nobody knew for weeks. That'll be me.


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## NickyRich (Sep 12, 2012)

Hun, big, big     it's a really hard one for anyone when their partner doesn't want to go down the same path.  I have always been open to the thought of adopting but my hubby doesn't want to. Do you think she realises how important this is to you?  Perhaps she may feel differently after doing her training.  IVF can cause problems between couples-I often feel guilty that due to my body's failures, I am depriving my husband of children and told him before that I would understand if he wanted to end our marriage and find someone to have a family with.  He looked at me as if I was mad and said that it was me he wanted, not children with someone else.  Things are sounding pretty raw for you at the moment.  Give yourself time to think before you rush into anything.  There are so many people on here who know exactly how you feel and it really is good to talk xxxxxx
   Lots of hugs, Nickyxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Not having a child or the prospect of having one any time soon is devastating however you end up there. You are in the right place this site is full of wonderful ladies who can give great advice and support when you need it x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Floralou  

I imagine that was quite a difficult post for you to write and I feel your pain reading your words  

Its been along time that you have been patiently waiting ...... and waiting and now the end prospect is shattering for you.  You love your OH that much is obvious but Id like to think she feels the same about you too and would be willing to sit and listen to how you are feeling and understand your upset and hurt.  As well as the motherhood aspect theres also the change that you are having to make in your career choice which is actually quite a big thing and the fact that you have taken action to do something your heart isnt particularly wanting to do shows yet again the commitment and love you have for her.

Please do try and sit down and discuss a bit further with her - if only to make her understand  how much of a sacrifice you are making.  Its your life too and you need to know what the future really does hold for you.

Please dont be a stranger to this board - if we can help you along then thats what we are here for.  We do have a relationship board where you may find others in the same type of situation which may be worth a read to see if you can gain any help and inspiration from there too - but you are more than welcome to be here too  

Love n hugs


Debs xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi Flora


I´m so sorry you find yourself here but at the same time pleased that you have at least found us    This is just the right place to be and don´t think you´ll offend because you haven´t suffered the pain of tx. For my part, I suspect your journey is way more painful than mine. I´ve had lots of tx but in the end it was my decision to stop and even if I don´t like the fact I´ll never be a mum, I am at least at peace (most of the time   ) with that decision. I think if its never been something you can get to the end of, it probably hurts a whole lot more. 


The thing with having a baby is that there is no compromise is there? You either do or you don´t, and you can´t meet in the middle so someone has to make the sacrifice in the end. I think you are very brave but are obviously feeling very lonely right now   . I  hope you are still able to talk to your DP about it and she understands why you are so upset so you are getting some support from her?


I too have been off work for most of the last year although I am doing a couple of half days a week now and building up slowly. Are you on medication at all? Can you change your GP at all? You need a supportive one in the tough times. It might be worth giving CBT a try because it might put you in contact with other forms of therapy. Your CBT therapist might be able to support you and explain to your GP that you need more help. 


Sorry got to go, just when I was on a roll with my waffle too   . But welcome to the board and I hope between us all we can prop you up a little.


Katxxx


PS. There are a few of us on this board who have occasions where we fear being the lonely old lady nobody notices is gone. You are certainly not alone in that sad thought.


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Thank you so much for your lovely replies.

Yes, she knows how much it means to me. I don't know how strongly she feels about not wanting children. She says she might do, but can't say when she'll feel 'ready' then she says she might never feel ready and doesn't want me to get my hopes up that one day she'll be ok with it, because she probably won't.

It's really really complicated I think...I say think because she really struggles to articulate how she feels so I can only surmise the possible reasons.

It's hard with us being a same sex couple. Her family aren't particularly accepting of us, and she's acutely aware of other peoples reactions and uncomfortableness. She hasn't even told her uni friends about us. I dont think she would ever directly deny it if she was asked, but nobody asks so she doesn't say. If she can't admit our relationship in public, I'm not surprised the thought of a baby...announcing a pregnancy...terrifies her. 

I don't know. Her family keep asking what I'm going to do with my science degree, and I really can't answer them. And every other person on ******** is announcing their pregnancy or birth at the moment, which just makes it harder.

Sometimes I wish I could just banish all the people with children from my life, because sometimes, when I'm feeling at my most vulnerable, it just feels like they're rubbing my face in it.


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## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

hi floralou

I have just stumbled on your post and haven't posted on this board before as i am not really in the 'moving on' category, but i couldnt read your post and not reply and send you a big  . The emotional side of the process of having/ not having children i think is way more difficult than the process of going through the treatment. You have an element of control with the treatment but you cant control feelings. 

I wanted to share my story just so you know you are not alone. I met my DH when i was about 26 and made it clear early on i wanted children. He said it was what he wanted too. We moved in together and started saving to buy a house. Then slowly all his mates split up from their OHs and DH turned in to a bit of an idiot - i was wanting to settle down he wanted to party (we were about 30 at the time). We almost split up but a bit like you - stayed living together due to the rented flat. He said he still wanted the same things as me and gradually we got back together.

A year later we got married and then i got a new job. I kept pressing on the baby issue and every time it ended in arguments. I just remember two or three months after we got married him saying 'why would i want a baby, they just cry all the time and stop you doing what you want' and  'well i had to tell you i wanted kids because otherwise you wouldn't have married me'. That feeling was far worse than anything i have experienced during treatment. I felt so betrayed but also so sad - i just know my dh would be a great dad and i wanted his baby not anyone elses.

He knew i would leave if he didnt agree to start trying so we did - and nothing happened. Slowly his friends have started to have children and we couldnt get pg. we found out there were MF issues - cue lots of big rows about how he wasn't going to spend thousands of pounds on IVF. As the investigations went on he came round to the idea (and to be fair he never complained once about the trillions of sperm tests he had to hve) and as it turns out we got our first round ouf ivf paid for by the NHS. I got pg but sadly miscarried three weeks ago.

It has knocked DH for six. I dont think he expected that it would affect him so much but to be that close and then have it taken away from him has really hurt him. I am now 35 and time is ticking. He now has massive feelings of guilt for messing me around for so long...all of a sudden it has all clicked in to place for him but it could be too late. Now he's like 'money is just money, we will do what ever we need to'  which is great but why not 3 years ago!!

There are no guaruntees but there is every chance she will come round, but it is so hard for you when you have that clock ticking in the back of your mind. On thing perhaps to do is get your AMH tested. The AMH gives you an indication of ovarian reserves. This might help you to decide whether you are prepared to wait for you OH to come around to the idea or to go it alone. 

I really hope that you manage to make a decision on how to move on that is right for you.

look after yourself and always here to chat xxx


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