# Single woman looking for a 'Known Donor' and some guidance on first steps



## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi, I am new to fertility friend and also to investigating having a child by donor. I have thought about it for a while, always hoped I would have a family with someone but I am 39 and need to be realistic about my situation. 

I am not too sure how good my fertility is, I attended a LWC open evening and was told given my age I may be better jumping straight to IVF or though would rather try IUI? Am I being unrealistic? 

I have thought about using a sperm donor bank but really rather find someone who is known, is there anywhere I can look for a guy who would be interested in being a known donor? I am open to the donor being gay or heterosexual and if they want to just donate and have v limited involvement or have a more active role. I know its possibly a more complicated route and there is the question of tests and legal agreements but it is the route I feel more comfortable with. I just do not know where to start looking!

Help and advice really appreciated. Its all new and a little overwhelming. 

Wendy 

Just been advised that the single woman board is a good starting point! thankyou laura.


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Thankyou Rose x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi I am using a known donor and have been TTC with him for 3 years, we got pregnant once but sadly mc'd. He is a dear friend, gay and in a committed relationship with his partner of 15 years, who si onvolved in my care-they are both wonderful support.  Do you know someone who may help you?  Some of the girls on the lesbian board have used known donors from rainbownetwork Free sperm donors worldwide etc.

We started TTC at home doing AI, but then moved to a clinic and now are on our 5th IVF/ICSI cycle at 3 clinics and in 2 countries.  Also if you are using a known donor via a clinic you have to quarantine the sperm for 6 months in the UK and are only allowed to use frozen sperm, so it does delay things.  I would also strongly advise a sperm count as well, as 30-40% of men have low counts.

We haven't done any legal things but it si strongly advised.

Feel free to pm if you have any q's
L x

/links


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Wendy - welcome...x

I'm still thinking about whether to use known donor or clinic route where they can be traced by the child when 18.  I started by emailing all my friends with an advert to see if any knew anyone who might be interested in being a donor.  Two people were interested both gay, one not ready yet, the other is quite keen and we are currently emailing.  Having started off feeling that I definitely wanted a known donor, I'm swinging round to the clinic route.  I don't know this man at all who is willing to donate, obviously am trying to get to know him and he would want some contact....so I'm struggling with the idea that he would be in my life forever (when at the moment he is still a stranger) so I really need to know that I could work with that. Also he comes along with family and friends that he would also want the child to have some contact with which could be fantastic for the child or confusing. I'm worried, I'll be put in the position of being the one that stops them from seeing their donor 'dad' as often as they want.  The contact issue is the biggest one for me and something we are really discussing honestly.  I have no doubt that the potential donor is a lovely man (he already donates through a hospital) but I'm stressing that he'll say he's happy with limited contact (2-6 visits a year) now and then the baby will be born and he'll be totally besotted and then I'm in a potentially complicated situation.  I think if he was already a friend that I had agreed to do this with like JJ1, I'd probably be less anxious as I'd know him better. Anyway will see how it pans out. 

Good luck with your plans.  I've really just started on this journey too so it is v overwhelming. I found it really useful to go and have a consultation and scan to see how things are inside - was nice to see ovaries and womb exist! and are ok! I'm still waiting to do blood tests, but I have found it a very positive way to start...feels like you are in control a bit!

Feel free to PM at anytime with questions - or if you want a copy of the ad! (have to admit it was a weird thing to do!)

Lisa
xx

PS people are v v supportive here so you can really discuss anything openly
PPS I've read a couple of books that I found really useful in the beginning. let me know if you want the titles...I suspect they are books that most people have read here!


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I also found that when you tell friends that you want a child the offers come in from friends- all my male friends are gay men. I chose my donor on personality, nationality (another friend was an Aussie desperate to co-parent though and I was worried about this and I thought eventually we could end up with a long distance battle if he returned home), both of them are lovely people and very physically attractive. Also the other friend uses recreational drugs.  It turns out my chosen donor had a low count, but all it meant was that we had to change track and treatments, but the reason I chose him still stand. 

It was funny he and his partner were staying last night and he and I had a disagreement about something work related, and he said 'Take your managers hat off, I am your friend and it should  come first, and I'm going to be the father of your child' which I found quite nice really

L x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi JJ1

Your situation sounds great.  all the support and love without the emotional complications with a partner...and no one snoring in your bed!  (although sometimes that can be nice!)

x


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi all, 

Thankyou for the messages, they have made me really think about approaching my friends again to see who they know and trying harder that way to find a known donor. 

I have asked a few friends but maybe too informally as whilst one or two have spoken to people they know and one guy did consider the idea...I think Lisa's approach a email/letter which asks for them to think about who they know and to help me in my 'search' may have more impact. 

I think most feel I will meet someone, but they forget time is not really on my side.

Lisa I have started to think about what to draft but yes would be great to read your letter, thankyou. 

I understand what you mean about the level of access, if you already know someone its so much easier as there is a comfort there. I guess I need to also think more about the boundaries, although I guess I am quiet open about the level of contact and it will be dependent on the donor. 

The support of an existing friend who is happy to be the father is such a lovely situation.

Its starting to sink in that it could be a long process, and I should have started sooner. Ho hum! 


Wendy x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

never too late Wendy! Just might mean you make decisions quicker...time can be motivating!

I know at LWC there is no wait for sperm so you can get going pretty sharpish there once you are ready.

I've just spent the last couple of months doing lots of thinking and am now ready to really start believing I could do it. Which is even scarier!

Lxx

PS  It might be worth starting to chart your temp and check your ovulation (if you aren't already) as any info you can build up will be useful whatever route you take and it makes you feel like you are doing something positive - or maybe that's just me!!! PM me if you want more info...


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Wendy - I started to think about it and when I was about 35 and my donor did used to offer to me but we were also under the influence of alcohol and never raised the subject at other times. 
Eventually we did home insems at 37, still on my journey and 40 soon, so it isn't nec a quick process, and if you take your known donor to a clinic for IUI or IVF then it is the longest and most expensive route you can go, as the sperm needs to undergo all the tests and quarantine as the anonymous sperm donors to clinics have to have (which is ludicrus to me as you have probably already exchange body fluids and had your own sexual health screening tests) and you have to pay for it as in clinic anonymous donors they pay and it is shared between all the women/couples buying the sperm, but the advantage is that it is all yours and so no worry of him reaching his family limit.

Also there is a great deal of trust needed, as if you have a known donor they also have a sexual life. My donor is in a committed relationship for over 15 years and neither haver ever slept with another man.

My friend opted for LWC DS instead although her flatmate had offered her (she is a lesbian and he was straight) as his girlfriend happened to say to him 'it'll be lovely for us when your baby comes' and her alarm bells rang so you also have to consider your known donors life and what they want, you could end up with someone wanting to co=parent and Mon, Wed Fri the child with them, also some men may be reluctant to just donate as they are legally responsibly in the eyes of the law for the child and as recent cases been persued for child support.  You have to consider if you met someone in the future, and also their situation- I have a very close relationship with my donor and his partner- who stays with me 2 nights a week and says 'we're like an old  married couple except without the bad sex' and I do trust him with my life.

We haven't done a legal contract despite all the advice as the boys didn't want to, and I am not too fussed. But if I didn't know them as well I would consult a lawyer- Natalie on FF is more than happy to sort this side of things our. I know a man who wanted a child and had an arrangement with a woman to co-parent and it all went very pear shaped as he is at her mercy for everything adn access, but has had to provide a home for her and the child and financially support them.

Also if you are using a known donor they need to be flexible and available for your insems 3 days in a row and you need them and your OKP shows you are ovulating- I live in London they live in the on the South Coast, so some late night after work dashing around, holiday planning to avoid your time.

L x


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi JJ1 thankyou for so much info. At the moment struggling with networking to find a known donor, a couple of friends who I thought would be more open have reacted negatively to what I want to do. Its difficult as I dont feel comfortable with the annon donor route and there do not seem to be small networks for known donor. x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Wendy, 

Sorry to hear your response hasn't been totally positive so far.  Maybe you need to wider your network - obviously only you can decide if you are totally up doing this or not, how public do you want your search to get, it's tricky. I emailed everyone I knew who I thought would react ok (even if not particularly close friends) and who I thought would pass on the info to other people that they know. I also had a couple of male friends who were uncomfortable with the idea, but I suppose this didn't surprise me, I sort of expected them to think that way.

Don't give up yet...you might just need to rethink who you approach a bit.
xx


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

I agree I need to be a bit less reserved and sensitive about the topic! just testing with a few friends at the moment but will continue to widen the search! thanks for the encouragement! x


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## Lucy+Dave (Jul 22, 2008)

Hi all

I was wondering what your thoughts are on going down the route of an anonymous fresh sperm donor who's recently been tested and is happy to be contacted when the child reaches 18 ?

This is something we've been seriously considering because we can remain anonymous, yet still able to meet the donor in person before hand, hopefully taking out the risk of them perusing parental rights. The idea of doing the insemination at home, without the clinical surrounding, is also a major factor for us.

We're so very new to this and would be grateful to hear others thoughts (good & bad)

Lucy x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Lucy+Dave
where do you find such donors if they are anonymous?FSDW?
L x


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## Lucy+Dave (Jul 22, 2008)

♥JJ1♥ said:


> Lucy+Dave
> where do you find such donors if they are anonymous?FSDW?
> L x


Yes - please be blunt and honest


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hi Lucy and Dave   

If you go to the search at the top and type in FSDW - there are some posts that come up. There might be some interesting reading there..............

Good luck   

Emma xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi

Just thought you might appreciate a bit of a legal perspective.

If you conceive through an agency like FSDW or using a friend (anything other than HFEA licensed clinic conception) then the donor will be the legal father of your child.  Co-parenting situations work well for the right people, but legally it is a huge risk for you both, and believe me doing what I do I've seen more than a few which have gone wrong, however united everyone's intentions were at the outset.  It's worth thinking it through really carefully.  I often think that known donation seems like the simpler route, but in the long term it is by far the more complicated option.

If you conceive through a clinic (even by taking a known donor with you, as long as you take a little care to manage the legalities right), then everything is more certain - you have the security of quarantining and safety testing, and the fact that the donor's legal rights are excluded, and other regulatory controls such as that the donor has only donated to 10 families (which will not apply if you use an 'online' donor).  Your child also has a guaranteed right to information about the donor in adulthood if this becomes important.

Only you know what's best for you, but overall known donation is something you need to go into with your eyes wide open as to all the risks.  If it's for you, great, but be well informed about what you are getting yourself into.

I sound like a real doom and gloom lawyer this evening don't I?!

Natalie
[email protected]


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Hi 

I don't think anyone has mentioned the excellent website free sperm donation worldwide. Here men willing to donate for free sign up and create a profile, which includes their views on whether they want to be a co-parent ( most don't), a known donor, unknown etc. You can search by area in UK. It is all anonymous at first - you can email them etc to see how you feel about them. Then arrange to meet up etc. I have had three donors form the site - all lovely men who genuinely want to help. It is AI only. I much preferred this to anonymous donors as you can get a much better idea of personality etc. And it is free - apart from paying any expenses such as travel. You can view the donors for free, but must register and pay about £10 a month to be able to contact them.

only reason I am not using now is it hasn't worked for me so going onto look at IVf due to my age.

If you want more info, PM me!

All the best
Misti


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Misti  

How do they get the health/fertility checks done? Is it something you arrange between the two of you?

Emma x


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Hi Emma

Some of the men already have the checks - for my example, my current donor is a **** donor too. Otherwise, you can ask them to get checks at STD slinic. For fertility tests, you can either hope(!), get them to do a home sperm test ( can buy on internet for about £20) or pay for them to be done at a clinic.

Just FYI - I had a contract drawn up at solicitors stating that donor not financially responsible, has no legal rights etc, and this is available to members on FSDW. It has not been tested in law, but does show the intentions at time of donation etc. 

Realised after I posted that FSDW has been mentiioned! Sorry about that.

Love
Misti x


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