# Should we adopt again? Your advice/stories please



## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Good evening, 


DH and I adopted a perfect baby girl in March 2013 (aged 10 months), she is now nearly 4 and due to start school in September.  We have always said that we would think/talk about adopting again when our DD goes to school and she is old enough to give us her opinion and share her feelings with us.  I had secretly hoped that birth mother would fall pregnant again (because we always said that we would say yes to a birth sibling) but that hasn't happened....


So I really need your own experiences - how did you make a decision about adopting a second child??


My considerations are (not in order of importance):  1) finances - we don't have nearly as much in savings as we did when we adopted DD  2) I am 36 and DH is 43 - do we have the energy 3) the impact this will have on DD 4) can we love another child as much as DD 5) DD was a perfect match - what if we are disappointed 2nd time around?


Help


----------



## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Hi bunny  although the we've never had to make the decision we've gone from 1-2-3 (nearly) children...

We set out for one singleton and was told BM was pregnant before placement, we said yes straight away. It was hard work, felt guilty for both of them like I couldn't give each of them enough but it now works really well! I love love love seeing them bath, play, chat together. For me it was so important to have a sibling for him as I came from a big family but never thought we'd have the chance to....

Fast forward 12m from second child placement an were pregnant! 

What I'm trying to say is, sometimes go with what feels right you don't always need to overanalyse. Gosh we have no where enough money for these 3, but I'll stop going to Costa 3 times a week an bye bye expensive yoga groups etc! On your point about DD being perfect, we felt like that as DS was such an angel an delight during first few months etc. youngest was a lot harder but we love them tons an tons for their different qualities! 

Good luck  xx


----------



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

We haven't adopted a second yet but we have enquired and have been told to wait until LO is 3 which is actually fine with us. It gives us a whole nother year with LO just us. Which is actually perfect. 

I just wanted to say that I too think about how we could love another LO as much and have another such perfect match. We will be 41 and 43 when we hopefully adopt again next year. I have no energy as it is! Am asleep on sofa most nights by 8.30! However we really want a sibling so we are just going to have to put up with being very tired for a few more years yet! I must say I do have visions of being in my 60s and being able to go on a nice relaxing holiday for 2 again!
We love doing free things too. In fact we went mini beast hunting this morning and found a centipede, wood louse and a wiggly worm. LO loved it! 
As for how it would affect DD this would be our main consideration. She's our world and I wouldn't want to upset what we have. Tricky one. 
Good luck xx


----------



## cokes (Nov 11, 2008)

We haven't adopted for the second time yet, but we have made inquiries to be told that they would prefer our DS to be settled in school he starts in September and to have more understanding of his life story book. Felt little upset by this as DS shows very little interest in his life story book and how much does a 3 1/2 year old understand? Has anybody else been told the same or had similar experience.


----------



## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi cokes - yes different agencies will say different things. With our first we had a BS who was 3 and a half when she was placed - we were rejected by 8 agencies before we go started.

When we adopted again we went back to original agency AD was due to be just turning 3 when we went to panel and apparently they just realised this as we were completing stage 2 so they halted the process saying she was too young. Again I looked at other LA's and was turned down by a number of them before finding the one who actually assessed us. We went to panel in June (a month after AD turned 3) and then our son was placed that  same august. If you think the time is right for your family shop around for the right agency / LA.

In terms of the original post - we are second time adopters (soon to be third time) and with a birth son too - I have never regretted our decision. Times have been tough sometimes and every time we do it I get so scared that I am not going to live the next one as much but the love has always come. Ours all have fantastic relationships with eachother too - maybe my glasses are a bit rose tinted but in the early years that's not a bad thing 😆


----------



## JParker (Feb 4, 2016)

And what your DD say about this? Guess she is old enough to have her own opinion about a brother or sister. 

If you seem to have not a complete family, don`t have doubts. The practice shows, that money are always found for all needs, there are no conflicts between siblings, as there is always who to play with, and if you have enough love for the second child, you`ll be full of energy despite your age. 

Good luck!


----------



## liveinhope (Jan 8, 2008)

Given your daughters age, if you adopt a 2nd time the assessing social worker will spend some time with her any way and ask her views. That's what they did with our son!


----------



## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our son was 8 when we started the process for number 2, he had been home 2 years and was desperate for a brother or sister, we had gone into adopting wanting siblings so always knew we would do it again as he was a singly.

Whilst we do not regret having them both now, we deeply regret what we have put them both through, our assessing SW did a lot of extra work with him, his CAHMS therapist thought he would cope, we even had an indepepndent assessment done by another therapist as at the time as he was our main concern at the time who all said yes it would be ok.

It wasn't he could not cope, his behaviour went from bad to worse, she was his easy target, she lived in fear. It got steadily worse, but  we were asking for help frofm both CAHMS and PAS, none was foth coming. I became very unwell with depression, just didn't realise how ill un till we we're at serious crisis point and they realised they needed to help us fast. Amazing the difference anti depressants made. Trouble was they then realised they'ed not given us the support we'd needed and we found ourselves on a safeguarding assessment, which lead to a child protection conference.

With ?the hep of some very good adopter friends who went through all the reports with us we were ale to show how we had been failed by the system. 

All that being said I have plenty of friends who have adopted  for a 2nd ime very successfully I just want people Togo into with their eyes open, if you feel you need help push for it, 2 year in 2nd time around eldest is going through a relatively good period, still struggling wth having a younger sister but we've found dived and conquer works best here.


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Our daughter came home at 9 months and we always said we would consider adopting a second if it felt right for us, particularly if BM had another. She rocked up at hospital at 35 weeks early Dec last year and we were asked if we wanted to be considered, initially fostering to adopt. It was my second week back at work after adoption leave and little pink was still struggling to settle at nursery. Money was an issue as we were skint after me taking a year off but we both felt that wasn't really a consideration as we'd find a way to work that out. After a lot of thinking and tears over Christmas we decided to say no and that has absolutely been the right thing for us as a family. We are very happy as a family of 3 and it just feels right staying like that. At first I thought it was just the wrong time for us to consider a sibling, but actually I think it just isn't right for us. I had always thought I would jump at the chance of a sibling but I felt nothing at all for him - initially I really struggled with feeling guilty about how I felt but that is less so now. I know we've made the right decision for us and saying yes because we felt we should and not because it was right for us wasn't fair on anyone, not least our daughter. Not sure if I've helped you!  Good luck with whatever you decide


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

We were originally placed with 2 full siblings boys, we had always wanted a sibling group. Unfortunately, 4 months into placement we requested the eldest boy be removed (long story, complex and can be found by searching my username!).

I really didn't settle well just having the one child, god knows I was so eternally grateful for him, but we had always wanted more than one. So with this in mind we began to think about the possibility of maybe adopting again.

My LO has been home now for 18 months and is 4 years old. The other day we had a really insightful conversation that went like this;

LO to our dog: There's no brothers or sisters stay in our house doggy, just me and you.

ME: You have a brother, but he doesn't stay with us, remember he stays with his mummy & daddy.

LO: Oh yeh, but he doesn't stay here with us

ME: Would you like him to have stayed here with us?

LO: (Very quickly and very concerned look) NO mummy! I no like him, he bad to me!

ME: Would you like a wee brother or sister to stay here with us? Remember if you were to have a wee brother or sister you would have to share mummy and daddy and mummy wouldn't have a lot of time to spend with you like I do now.

LO: (Looking ponder-some) No mummy I don't want a brother or sister

ME: Why's that?

LO: I don't want to share mummy or my home, we could get another doggy though!

So as you can see at present we definitely will not be adopting again! TBH a bit like Sq9 we have now come to the realisation that just being the 3 of us is actually best, for our family it just works and we have no desire to rock the boat on that, besides the most important person of all has made his feelings quite clear on the matter, I'm not sold on the idea of another dog though!


----------

