# Non-supportive friends or family



## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

I was shot down by my mum just last week, I quote..... 'Why am I doing this'? Oh and not forgetting 'Why can't you find someone to have a baby'?

I was so low that day, I hadn't the energy to explain.

Now I've built myself up again, I have refused to discuss this process with her, simply because of the negativity. I so want her support but I know I won't get it. 

Have you had unsupportive friends or family while you made this decision or had treatment?  Did their opinion affect you?


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

hi mcclean

sorry to hear your mum isn't able to be supportive.

My eldest brother (i've got 7 brothers and sisters so quite a lot of people to hope will approve/support me!) was shocked when i told him, thought it was irresponsible and selfish and how did i think i could cope.  He's very traditional and believes that the regular 'nuclear' family is very important.  I was really upset but i stood my ground and he has mellowed about it and is now supportive.  My parents are both dead now but my mum was alive when i started talking about going down this road and even though a totally different generation she wanted me to be happy (we didn't actually have the best relationship) but it would have been tough if she'd been negative and i would have to have had carried on without her input. 

It's very hard if people are closed-minded and don't seem able to see our point of view.  Who of us, in our right minds, would actually have chosen this lonely difficult path if other options were possible for us.

Try and surround yourself with supportive, understanding people who can be there for you. 

GGx


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

McClean,

I've had both sides.  My stepmother can't wait for another grandchild.  My father is just confused as to why I haven't met anyone.  My brothers think I am nuts to give up all my freedom, money and single status to live a life they consider very difficult.  I've friends who support me and those who, for religious reasons, can't get over the fact that I am doing this out of wedlock.  I've really religious relatives who I am sure are going to really struggle with my decision.  

All in all it really matters very little what others think.  I personally believe God only gives people children if it's His will anyway.  You can try once or a hundred times (whether in a relationship or not) and not get pregnant.  I, as a single mother, am the same as any other woman who wants a child.  I just had to do it a little more thoughfully than others.

Often I am finding support in the strangest ways.  My network of close friends are supportive.  Most people at work are delighted for me.  

I know in my heart (though it's tough most days) that this is the right decision for me.

Wishing you luck,

Dawn


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

GG and Dawn, your posts offer me strength.

I do care very much about my mum and she is entitled to her opinion, but she is of a different generation. 

I don't have a network of friends, they have just twindled over time and I'm not from a large family.  I've chosen not to share my journey with every person who I know.  However, I was recently on another site and just started talking to a very nice woman.  I thought telling a stranger would be objective and it so was. 

We have been talking for just a month now and she has been so supportive, she's allowed me to vent, cry and just be a really good ear, she senses my fears and as she was a nurse.  She has offered to attend appointments with me and hold my hand.  I am in awe of her kindness. 

I've been afraid to call my clinic, I've avoided that all essential call to start my treatment, but now I want to get on and do this as time is slowly running out.


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

mclean...I'm sorry to hear about your mum's reaction to your plans. I remember when I told my Dad (my mum is dead) my plans he was very negative and really couldn't understand where I was coming from. Even when I told him I was pregnant his response was "Oh" in a very despondent way! He is naturally a very negative person and worrier...he was worried about how I would cope by myself and financially, etc.

Now that my little boy is here it is totally different...how he came about isn't important and my Dad is just enjoying having another grandson to play with! He is always offering to help me out and has even offered to look after J when I go back to work on the days I can't arrange childcare. Which is in direct contrast to what he said at the beginning which was something like "well, don't expect me to look after the baby". Things change massively once a little person is in the world. There are others on here who have also had this massive turn around from parents, so don't rule out that your mum will come round in the future.


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I agree with Caramac - I think the arrival of a gorgeous little bundle will quickly make any negative thoughts disappear. 

I have pre-empted my mother's inevitable lack of support by choosing not to tell her! If I get PG I'll tell her then.....maybe!


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

caramac & violet66 thank you.

I would so love my mum to be on board, support me when I most need her.  She has no grandchildren, this would be her first.  She's confused as to why a man is not involved and the cost.  Only time will tell when baby is here how she will change.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

mcclean -    I think as others have said, once the baby is here, especially as it would be the first grandchild, I'm sure your mum will change her mind
in the meantime I think you have to hold on to what you want (it's your life, not your mums and you owe it to yourself to do what will make you happy and leave you with the least regrets) and simply not discuss it with your mum
I was lucky that my family were supportive, but anyone who wasn't (one or two friends), I simply didn't talk to them about it

best of luck
Suitcase
x


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

McLean, I'm sorry to hear your mum wasn't able to be supportive of your decision.  It's a hard road to go down alone and it does feel like a bit of a punch in the guts when the people you rely on aren't on board.


I think it's impossible not to be upset by the opinions of people who disapprove or who do not think you should go ahead, particularly if they are close to you. Over the year and a half that I've been on this journey I've found that the people I now confide in are not all the same people I used to share everything with.  Your mum sounds bewildered rather than downright judgemental and I hope very much that she'll come round to the idea once she's had time to digest it all and has the chance to look forward to the absolute joy and light that a grandchild will bring to her life. 


One of my best friends, who I've been best friends with for 25 years, went nuts when I told her, told me I wouldn't cope, told me it was a ridiculous thing to do and has not changed her tune (she's now pregnant with her second child) - sadly I've had to distance myself from her a bit. It's the first time she's not been party to every nuance of my life. I know she feels hurt that I'm not sharing all my life stuff with her but she flies off the handle whenever I mention it. The day after I told her, another (pregnant) friend also said it was a ridiculous idea and she would never be able to cope without her husband.  


But I was most hurt by my sister, who's the person I'm closest to in the world - at first she responded by saying "it's not fair on the child" and "you'll never find anyone now". She has, however, realised how much I want a child and is now much more supportive.  


The main thing I'm trying to say is firstly don't give up on your mum's feelings on the matter -  as so many people have said, the reality of a beautiful wonderful little new life will make things completely different - and in the mean time, try to confide in the people who have turned out to be supportive, even if for a while it's simply your completely lovely nurse friend and the lovely ladies on FF - your support network will expand - and look to these people for encouragement when you need it. x xx


ps I'm half Indian, and I really love the half of my family who live in India and have very traditional views.  I'm so scared of how my relationship with them will change WHEN I have a baby with no man in sight.  My dad is the Indian side and he is dead. I know that this will be a tough one as I always dearly wish for and cherish their love and approval.  But again, I have to stick to the hope that the reality of a new happy little life will colour things bigtime!


I hope all this makes you feel a bit less alone -sorry for loooooong post! Minnie xxx


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

Suitcase & Minnie,

Thank you all for your kind words.

Minnie - my mum just doesn't get it and probably never will.

Sometimes  I forget she's my mum and not my friend.  The things I expect her to say a friend would say.  I will never hear those comforting words..."I want you to be happy" and "I'll support you".  

It's now time for me to stop torturing myself and get on with my life and this job in hand.


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Mcclean honey -      


Sometimes people can say things without really thinking and just do the knee jerk reaction.  I'm sure that once a little one arrived their negative feelings would change - especially seeing how happy you and LO are.  


People are strange - but that's what make us unique I suppose.  The number of 'friends' who have told me I'm mad to even think about trying again recently have just really annoyed me....  so distance is the best plan of action at this time.


Mini x x x


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Mcclean 

I think my family are surprised and my sil said she has said to my bro there is nothing wrong with her so I can't understand why she hasn't met someone and my other bro said I should have focused on finding a man than on studying. My mum is worried about telling people when my bump starts to show and said she is dreading it and is going to tell them she doesn't want to talk about. I got the same comments.

However, have to say I am now 12 weeks almost and mum is starting to say more positive things and actually asked how scan went - the first time I should add. She has no desire to see any scan pictures or be with me when I give birth. But that's her choice.

She is a different generation - almost 80 and I respect her views although it can be hurtful. I think her and my bro's are worried how I will cope on a day to day basis, the financial implications etc.

And understand avoiding calling the clinic. I went overseas for my first iui, remember sitting in the hotel room before I went to the clinic for a consultation the next day thinking OK go along for the consult and you can still get on the aeroplane and get the heck out of here. I was due to have iui the day after my consult. However, fate stepped in, I went for my consult and they did a scan and took bloods and said "go for a coffee and come back in an hour". I went back they said you are about to ovulate and inseminated me there and then. So so much for me thinking I had a get out clause and could do a runner. The first time is probably the hardest for me as I came to terms with always thinking there would be a fella and this was not how I thought it would be.

xx


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## cocochanel1 (Oct 15, 2009)

Just to add my experience to date is that I've had a completely mixed bag set of reactions some to my face and some behind my back recounted to me by other friends or by implication ie. lack of contact after hearing the news. I've had a very positive response from an 87 year old! A very negative response from a very old friend, some shocked responses, some very happy responses, mostly supportive family responses. And if there is one thing I have learned it is that you can't change what people think and some will be supportive and some won't.  What we are doing is still fairly new and some people find it wrong and some people just don't like different. 
That's the beauty of this site, we are all in the same boat and can support one another. 
Coco xxx


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

Here here cocochanel1


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## Shelby2211 (Mar 20, 2010)

I did not want to read and run so I will add my wee bit for what it is worth......

You just have to remember who you are doing this for! I have been very lucky in getting all the support from my parents although it has not been that easy at times. People from a completely different generations have different values etc. 

My best friend recently told me when I first told her what I was doing she thought I was mad. However she came to my first consultation and is now bouncing off the walls waiting for the day's to come when I take the test   And I quite imagine she will be the one I shout at in the delivery room should this all work for me. 

I have not told other parts of my family (aunts etc) as Mum say's she wants them told when I actually have some news to tell, however part of me already knows Mum is scared of what I will say to family reactions as I am already a black sheep in the family  and I take no prisoners when it comes to telling folks how it is. If they don't like the news, think I am messing with nature, or have any problems with what I am doing, well they will be told not to bother with the Christmas card and to "jog on"!!!   

Remember you have a great network of friends on here in the same boat, granted I am new to this and don't say much but I do feel that talking on here helps.

Shelby xx


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## SoozyQ (Feb 27, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your mum's reaction - I see it was a few weeks ago when you posted - has anything changed?

I have quite a few friends who are fantastic single mums, each have separated from their child's father and I see them torn apart over access arrangements that see them having to spend odd birthday's/christmas' without their child.  If I was to meet Mr Wonderful tomorrow, I would have to be with him a long time before getting pregnant to be sure things wouldn't go sour down the line, that could be too late.

I wonder if your mum's view might change once she has a grandchild on the way?

It's important to surround yourself with positive people, whether they are blood relatives or friends.  You tend to have an idea of how certain people will react to the news - are there any friends you think may react in a better way?


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## carnivaldiva (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm lucky that my mother has been very supportive. I talk to her every day and she's over joyed that I'm pregnant. I'll tell my dad after my first scan, but whether he's happy or not is irrelevant.

I will not surround myself with people who are not happy for me. 

This journey is so hard, we  need to stay strong and positive in order to fulfill our destiny


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

SoozyQ said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your mum's reaction - I see it was a few weeks ago when you posted - has anything changed?
> 
> I have quite a few friends who are fantastic single mums, each have separated from their child's father and I see them torn apart over access arrangements that see them having to spend odd birthday's/christmas' without their child. If I was to meet Mr Wonderful tomorrow, I would have to be with him a long time before getting pregnant to be sure things wouldn't go sour down the line, that could be too late.
> 
> ...


In answer to your first question nothing has changeed SoozyQ.

I don't know if her views will ever change, but I hope it with give my mum a second wind as it were to a new edition to our family. Only time will tell I guess.


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

carnivaldiva said:


> I'm lucky that my mother has been very supportive. I talk to her every day and she's over joyed that I'm pregnant. I'll tell my dad after my first scan, but whether he's happy or not is irrelevant.
> 
> I will not surround myself with people who are not happy for me.
> 
> This journey is so hard, we need to stay strong and positive in order to fulfill our destiny


You are so right here carnivaldiva .


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

Apologies for resurrecting this thread but I feel I need to post my experience  

Finally got round to telling my brother I was pg - I had shied away from it as scared of his reaction. Well nothing could have prepared me for how bad it was.

My brother and his wife have no kids of their own and we have never got to the bottom of it, but on the whole over the years he has grown colder towards my mum especially and only visits very infrequently (lives the other side of the country) and wheh he does, just ignores the dog, isn't at all friendly etc. Two or three years ago I had hinted that one day I might think of going down this road and his response at the time was that he wouldn't condone it, when the child was grown up it would ask who its father is, etc. So I knew it wasn't going to be an easy ride.

Anyway when we told him he blew his top, said he couldn't handle it, it wasn't normal and he wanted nothing to do with it. He also started to blame my mother for supporting me and then started harking back to his 'absurd childhood' (my mum was involved with a married man for years, they did eventually get married but it is really ancient history now) and said I was also mentally and emotionally unstable, living in a one bed flat, and that it wasn't normal for a child to grow up without a father. He couldn't and won't abide by it. He said he hoped I would be a better parent than we got and that he didn't want anything to do with or any inheritance from my mum (although he pathetically used her first name at this point, to illustrate he wanted to cut himself off I suppose).

There was more hurtful stuff but I am not going to go into it all, the above is the jist of it all really. At this point I can't imagine ever speaking to him again.

The worst thing is I have been crying all morning because part of me feels deep down he has a point    I wanted this so badly but I do have emotional problems, problems forming relationships and yes I do have a 1 bed flat but I will be staying with my mum for a while abd don't really plan on staying in the flat afterwards. I suppose my head is a little bit in the sand. Last night I was crying and saying to my mum I can't believe things have ended up like this and how nice it would have been to be married and settled instead of relying on her at my age   And although my brother has acted weird before I never expected this, it's really heartbreaking   

Sorry but my brother has upset me as well as my mum so much and it just hurts so badly. If any ladies could provide me with some reassurance at this time I would be very thankful. We can't all be wrong can we


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

sweetsa       


All I can say it that he is incredibly selfish not to even consider yours or your mums feelings.  I do feel he is expressing his fears and emotions onto your situation and really can't see past his nose - or doesn't want too.
It seems as though his childhood really affect him - perhaps he would see things differently if he were to undergo some counselling.  He seems very bitter about his life and growing up.  Don't let HIS fears transfer to you.
You've been on such a journey to get this far.... We can't chose our family members but we can our friends and support network.  He needs time I think ... in the mean time put yourself first and protect you.  If that means moving away emotionally from him for the time being - then so be it ... But YOU come first.


Take care x x x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

families are difficult aren't they? 

I second everything mini has widely said - this is likely more about your brother and his issues than anything to do with you really...sadly this means you may have to have little to do with him until he comes round (am sure he will once baby is here) - hopefully you have lots of friends and other support in the meantime   

don't worry about the one bedroom flat etc - babies need love, time, attention, not mansions   

I think almost all of us singlies would rather have met the right person and had children with them, sadly life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. but yesterday looking round at all those happy, stable, well balanced, and frankly delightful children, I find it hard to see what we are doing wrong   

take care 
Suitcase
x


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

Me too, and thank you Mini and Suitcase for your kind words. It's the support I have on here that means the most to me, and you are both dead right about his deeper issues. I would love him to come round when the baby is here but unfortunately he lives so far away so probably won't see it, and I am too scared to initiate contact now for fear of him saying more hurtful things.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

SSA    . I agree with Mini and Suity's wise words as always. It reminds me of my brother, he totally freaked that I was pg and said some incredibly hurtful things, he also called Topsy and Tim something horrible before they were born. He basically didn't talk to me during my pregnancy and I was really shocked by his arrogance and how judgemental he was being. When Topsy and Tim were born he had a go at me about Topsy's name and only came to the hospital because my mother told him to. About a month after they were born he came over to drop something off and sat down next to me and said that he kept expecting to come over (that's when I was still staying with my parents) and find me in floods of tears but that I hadn't done that yet. It was his way of saying that I was doing far better than he expected me to do and from then on things between us have got better (although I'll never forget the things he said), he will now happily hold Topsy and Tim, whereas when they were small he wouldn't and he now chats to me. I think that a lot of it was his fears and he felt that my mother would be so busy helping me that he wouldn't help him and his kids anymore. I've proved him wrong   . Still hurts but as you say you have support from your mother and from people on here so be kind to yourself, you've just been through a horribly stressful time and so you're probably even more fragile than normal right now. It will be ok!

bingbong x


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

SweetSA

Big hugs that you had this shower of XXXX from your bro. Perhaps part of his problems also is he is thinking he went the traditional route of having a partner, wanting kids and it didn't happen then look at my sister she goes out and does this and it happens for her.

WE have all done the right thing and am sure none of us went into this lightly or grew up thinking as we dreamed of playing happy families with 2.4 children that a partner wouldn't be on the scene. And I truly believe there is nothing to say that if any of us want on that a loving partner won't come on the scene some time in the future. So yeah we might be single at this point of the journey but what is to say that it won't change? I think many people just choose to believe that single parenthood is all doom and gloom and not to realise it isn't necessarily like that.

I looked around yesterday and thought what a fab job every one had done and quite frankly how sane we all are but then again may be I am nuts and I am judging like with like. 

I went to my bro's and sil's last night and they were rowing over a child care issue and I did think in some ways it is easier just knowing that there is one of us making the decisions as we know there is consistency there.

Lots of love and so sorry that your bro is being a jerk. Am sure he and is partner are also looking themselves and hurting inside that they can't seem to have kids and think there is something wrong with them. My friend had treatment in the UK and has never got pregnant and it was only when she went overseas to a private clinic they bothered to investigate why it wasn't happening. Doesn't excuse what he did though.

Lots of hugs and love

xxxx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Some more hugs from me SSA. This outburst from your brother is really not what you needed right now is it after everything that has gone on lately? I do think it is often harder for men to come to terms with our choice to go it alone (maybe it's some sort of resentment that we don't need them?!!). I'm sure my brother had a lot to say behind my back (but my SIL probably kept him in check around me!) but I could tell he didn't approve and was sure I wouldn't be able to cope. My Dad too wasn't very supportive to start with and never asked me how my pregnancy was going, etc. But now that J is here he is loving having another grandson!

I'm not saying that everything will be hunky dory with your brother once your LO is here, but do you know what? You probably won't care! The worst thing about this is that you are now doubting yourself and your decision to go it alone. Remember that you gave this a lot of thought before embarking on this journey and you are strong enough to do this. Once your baby arrives you will have a new purpose in life and other people's opinions won't matter a jot!

We aren't doing anything wrong or immoral by choosing to be single parents - many women end up this way by default...at least we are going into it with our eyes wide open. And don't worry about the one bedroom flat issue...J hasn't slept in his own room yet so I may as well be living with one bedroom! You will cope because you have to.


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Big     from me too.  Don't think I can add anything to the wise words said below. Just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this unnecessary stress, and for your mum too. Don't doubt yourself though, I am sure that you have made the right decision and whatever his reasons your brother has his issues to deal with, which is unfair to put onto you - you need to just focus on you and baby for now.
xxxxx


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

SweetSA,

I really hear you on your brother.  Mine helpfully said I should not get pregnant and spend all my money spoiling his Kids.  Not exactly loving or supportive. Now I've sent him a few scan photos and pretty much let him believe whatever he wants about me it seems to be getting better.

I know that nothing anyone says will make the pain of what he said better but just know you are not alone.  I have almost no practical support from my biological family over this pregnancy. It is something I am truly doing alone.  I have a massive network of friends and paid help and am meeting more all the time. 

One bit of experience I've found.  Often people who react the most violently are those that envy us for our luck and fortitude.  Sometimes childless couples that we are related to and we are living their dreams no matter the cost. 

At suity's picnic I was astounded by how normal all of us were.  We were from all walks of life races and ages.  It was just a biological drive to be a mother that united us.  I don't see how we are any different than anyone else.  

You are not alone.

Dawn


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

Thank you ladies for your overwhelming encouragement and support.  You really are an amazing bunch and I don't know what I would do without your support. I still feel unbelievably hurt, so much that my heart feels almost ripped in two. It's as though someone has died. I suppose, like in that situation, time will be a healer. 
Once again thank you and I hope that I can get back to being positive again soon xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

SweetSA, big     . I can't really add anything to what the other ladies have said. I am just so sorry that you have been totally stressed out by you brother's reaction, which you so don't need right now. Take care of yourself   

Lou-Ann x


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## Bambiboo (Oct 23, 2009)

SSA  -    to you.


Sounds like your brother's outburst was less about you and more about his own feelings and baggage.  Not everyone has to like or approve of our decisions but we can expect respect rather than such hurtful comments.

My advice is stay clear of him, focus on those that do support you - your Mum and friends.

As for the flat, don't worry.  You will manage.  Whilst I have the space for baby, I don't have a penny saved!!  However, i know that stressing help me and it will all work itself out somehow!!

Take good care of you and baby.  You two are the most important things, not your brother. x x


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi SweetSA    
Only just seen your post.  Everything the others have said is true.  It very much sounds like it is to do with your brothers own issues.  I have a brother who is the same in that he blames my parents and his childhood for everything that has gone wrong in his life and probably blames them for the fact that he is an alcoholic.  He lives in America (which makes things easier I have to say) and we haven't spoken for years.  He never sends Mum or Dad Christmas or birthday cards etc and only calls when he wants something.  Last year he added me as a friend on ** and whilst I didn’t want to accept him, I thought it would be churlish not to, so I did.  But we rarely “spoke”.  When he found out via ** that I was pregnant he went mad ‘cos I hadn’t told him personally and put some insulting things on there about it and then blocked myself and my Mum!  When my cousin died recently, he unblocked us, but I’m afraid he’s had it with me now and I blocked him.  I don’t want anything to do with him now.  He has 4 step-children, but no kids of his own, his wife had a miscarriage a few years ago and apparently he has a low sperm count.  I am really worried that he will find out about that I have used donor eggs and start to be nasty about that too.   

Anyway, as the others have already said, you need to concentrate on all those people that DO support you.  You know, I have had “emotional problems” and depression, I am not good at choosing the right men etc etc, but if I had met a man and decided to have a baby with him (never met anyone I trusted enough!) then my past “problems” wouldn’t even have entered MY or anyone else’s heads!  That is just a blip in our society and the way society thinks.  WE know that we are perfectly capable and there is a part of me that thinks I would have had better relationships with men if my Dad HADN’T been around when I was a kid (he’s so lovely now though and I don’t blame him for how I am, that’s just the way it is).

Sounds like our brother’s have never grown up, but thankfully we have and that makes us great candidates for parenthood.   
And as Suity says, babies don’t need palaces!   
Lots of love
GIA Tooxxx


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