# Is this it?



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
Its been a while since I've posted... I've been lurking though and interested to read all your news.
Well, its been a year since our adoption 'experience' and it took a good while for us to 'grieve' (you'll see from my profile that we were matched with two girls but they couldn't settle away from their FCs and just wanted to go 'home'). Our SW said she'd leave us alone get in touch early this year when a disruption meeting was to be held (we were supposed to go to this). We heard from her months ago asking if we were still interested in the adoption process – if not we were to do nothing. We contacted her and we've waited until now for her to get back to us. She wants to come to visit us with her manager next week to discuss 'the best way to move forward for everyone' – she explained she'd been waiting for the minutes of the disruption meeting to come through! (When was that then, we must've missed it!) I don't think this sounds too promising. I think she rather hoped we'd not reply so our file could be closed.
I don't know what to think. I do believe it is the end of the road for us as they really don't seem interested in us now we're 'soiled goods'. I've lived in this protective bubble for the last year with the hope that we could try again, but the reality of it is beginning to bite and our last chance of being a family looks as though its about to end and it's awful.
When we first had our IF problems, there was 'always IVF', with each round of failed IVFs there was 'always another go', with our final IVF there was 'always adoption', but after this there's nothing left to try!
Sorry to winge and be negative, maybe I'm just hoping someone else out there has been through a similar situation and can give me some hope?
Love to all
E


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya eml 

didnt want to read and run hun.    i have no advice im afraid but please let us know how ur meeting goes.  if u and ur dh feel able to 'move on' as such, then mayb SS will see this and things can progress?   

take care xxxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Your post sounds so sad and so I wanted to send you some    

The fact the children couldn't settle with you isn't your fault, it sounds as though they either hadn't been prepared very well or there was a lot more going on and should not have been placed for adoption at that stage.  SS have let you and the children down big time putting you all through this    

I would see what they have to say, it sounds to me as though you still want to adopt and people do go on to adopt after a disruption/breakdown so please don't give up hope.  Tell them how you are still wanting to do this, how your experience has taught you things like resilience and not to under estimate the effects moving has on children and that you have learnt a lot from it, that you are still committed to giving a child or 2 a loving stable family.

You showed huge courage to and I'm sure you have a lot to offer.
Good luck and let us know how things go.
OT x


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
Well, I was right to worry. Its all over for us.
SW and her boss have just left after our meeting in which they've basically said that they don't want us any more.
Apparently, the girls SWs have admitted that no-one had spoken to them for a year about the situation (their SW was sick for most of this time) and they weren't prepared well enough, the girls themselves have admitted they did everything they could for things to go wrong (thankfully they're happy now with a new FC), but because the placement has gone on our forms as 'disrupted', our VA can't find any more children for us. Our SW said she put our names forward for 'a couple' of children, but as soon as their SWs read that our last placement had been disrupted, they didn't want to know. They've said that we could remain on their books, but that realistically we wouldn't be matched. They suggested we try our LA.
So, thats it. Its the end of the line for us ... I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. We've spent so much of our lives on this IF journey and it doesn't seem real – it's as though we're on the scrapheap and I feel so useless.
Love to all
E


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

have you tried to speak to adoption uk about this?

I think it would be so wrong for you to be blamed for the disruption and however they try to word it by not fighting your case with prospective matches that is what they are doing

the other thing is to maybe tackle it head on

if you are with a va you can "look" for children yourself and I would explain the disruption straight up

I dont think it would be easy but I am sure there would be some sw's who would understand and at least want to investigate

I am sending you so many hopes and wishes as I think that you are in the nightmare we all dread to even think about


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

oh no, what a terribly sad update   

i have no practical advice as i don't know enough about this, but isn't there any way to appeal?


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Oh EML


So sorry to hear that you feel you've reached the end of the road. Hopefully another agency will give you the fresh start you deserve.  CurvyCat's suggestion of contacting AdoptionUk is a good idea. Even if you're not a member they try to offer some advice.  


Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.


Bx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

So sorry to read your update.  I am amazed the VA haven't made a very clear statement that the disruption was due to the lack of preparation for the children and the children's inability to move on from FC, this should not be a reflection on you and shouldn't put an end to your chances of adopting and having a family.

I hope you find the strength to fight this and things work out for you.
OT x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi 

  im so very very sorry to hear ur update. i agree with the other girls that i really dont see why you should be 'punished' as such as you wee not to blame for the 'disruption'.  i think its truely awful that ur losing out for their incompetance.  as curvycat suggested, contact adoption uk for some advice.

thinking about you and your dh.  

lots of love camly xxxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear All
Many, many thanks for your words of support (unlike my sis, who texted me to say 'its hard I know, but accept it and move on!).
Maybe we can stand firm? I know our SW has always been a bit of a waste of space and not terribly supportive all the way through, so I don't know what I expected of her now... I'll give it a few days to let the news sink in and I might be feeling a bit stronger... but it'll be hard knowing that our SWs heart just won't be in it and that we won't really have her support. I can't face going to another agency (besides, our ages are against us starting again with someone else!), our LA wasn't much help when we made enquiries years ago.
I'll let you know what we decide, but once again, many thanks for your words of encouragement and support.
Love to all
EL


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

EL- sorry to read your update, really hope things start going your way, seems so unfair you being marked like this when the girls clearly didn't settle through no fault of yours. Wish you both loads of luck x x x


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Thinking of you xxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
Well, thats it. It's over. The 'powers-that-be' have decided that we are not longer suitable to be approved adopters.
They have decided that the reasons are:
*We had not been on the appropriate courses to help us cope the the children's behaviour (if you've read my ramblings you'll know that the girls had had no counselling for over a year and didn't want to be adopted, we'd been on courses but I don't remember one being advertised entitled 'How To Cope With Incompetent Social Services')
*DH did not look upset or show emotion when it was decided by all concerned to end the adoption (since when did X-Factor-style histrionics make you a good adoptive parent?)
*DH opened his business during the Introductions (we only found out the day we met 'our' girls that the legal wrangle was over so for the first few days he had to unlock the doors and leave everyone to it until we could find cover, however we were never late for meetings with the girls and never let it impact on our time with them)
*DH 'looked stressed' by half-way through Introductions 'He was possibly not used to the strain of coping with young children' (now they're medical experts too!)
This is just awful. There were more glaring problems that lead to the adoption failing that were not even mentioned!
*The girls had had no counselling for over a year before the adoption and didn't understand what adoption meant
*They had been with their foster parents for over 3 years and didn't want to leave
*We had no preparation for the Introductions and only found out the day we met the girls that the legal case stalling the adoption had been resolved (this happened just hours before the meeting... their foster parents found out that morning and told the girls we were meeting them after school and we couldn't let them down)
*Their foster parents were right in the middle of moving to a new house right in the middle of Introductions and this meant that (a) we couldn't stay at the 'old' house at all for any 'family' time or meals and (b) they moved into the new house while the girls were with us for the weekend and this made them really unsettled and extremely scared about the future


We've nowhere left to turn now really. We can appeal... but where's the point. They've not looked at all the facts, just their blinkered, black-tinted view of events. We can go to an independent body who can look at the case, but all they can do is give an opinion and tell our agency of their findings... it won't change their minds.


So, after years of waiting, hoping and huge highs and lows, thats it. We've tried it all. IVF, ICSI and Adoption. We'll never be a family and its hard to come to terms with. I think I'm numb from it all. I vary from feeling really down, to really lost and then really angry.


I don't know what to do... I don't think there is anything we can do. I feel useless.
Sorry to moan... but I thought I'd just complete our story.
Love and luck to all
E


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

EML,

I'm so sorry you have reached this stage and can sense (and understand) your devastation at the way you've been treated.

I think it's clear that the girls should never have been placed for adoption, I hope lessons are learned by the professionals involved.

Are you able to apply through a differnent agency - maybe a VA?  If you haven't done so already you could contact AdoptionUK, they may have some advice on how to move forward. 

The reasons that SW have told you appear to be clutching at straws.  Who doesn't look stressed half way through intros?  

I really hope that somehow and somewhere you find the family you've been waiting so long for.  

Bx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I agree with the others that if you do want to go forward, talking to Adoption UK would be the way to go.

Poor you, and poor pair of sisters too! How awful for them!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

AUK also have a legal dept..but only accessible if you are members.

I would be fighting to the very bitter end if i felt i had been wronged in the way you have..so i WOULD be apealling, however hopeless it feels..the point of an appeal is that it would be by someone independant so would be fresh eyes on the circumstances. if there were things they found that were unfair or wrong you would be able to show that to a new agency where you could start afresh

I'm sorry you have had such an awful time  

kj x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Dear EML

I am so so sorry to hear how things have turned out   

It seems totally unfair of ss to treat you like this.  Like KJ I definately would fight this, for your own peace of mind if for nothing else.  If this was to be your last chance of a family then what have you got to lose?  Let everyone know how you feel and shout it from the rooftops so this situation never happens again.

Thinking of you


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry to read your news EML   

It seems that SS are blaming you for their incompentencies.  You would have nothing to lose by taking it to appeal and if you win it would help if you do approach a different agency.  In a totally different situation (not adoption) my hubby and I appealed against our local council and won so you can 'win' over authority's when you don't necessarily think that you would.  The LA that we have chosen to go with has mentioned that LA near us has very different views and sometimes writes people off to easily, so it may work out with another authority/agency.

Wishing you both lots of strength and luck


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