# Coping with infertility when your DH already has a wee one from previous ....



## MightyMouse (Apr 2, 2011)

I am REALLY struggling to cope.  

DH has a child from a previous marriage. He's 5.  He's faught very hard to be in his life.
We can't have children. "without medical assistance" (my, aren't they tactful).

I work part time and do most of the handovers and drops with BM and school etc. 

After lots of tests I am fine but DH's count is practcially zero. He also has what's affectionatley called "Monster sperm" which means that they are odd and too heavy to travel. I firmly believe that the trauma of the last 5 years trying to see his son has had a major impact on his health. 

Thing is.... He wants a happy family. I feel like I am playing "fake" mummies and daddies.
I feel angry and resentful and upset. I don't know how to process my feelings and usually take it out on DH. ANything can set me off. It's coming up to Christmas and I am expected to go to the child's nativity etc. My SS and I get on very well. He insists on calling me "mummy" and he's practically surgically attached to my hip!  But my desire to have children stops me from loving him like I know I could. 

Ironic: In my previous marriage I was with someone who refused to give me children (in the end I left him becuase of it) and now I'm with somone who can't give me children. I have wanted children for 11years. I stayed with a man who couldn't give me them becuase it was "for better, for worse". Now I feel I am back where I started. 

I have turned into THAT woman! I try really hard to keep a lid on my feelings but they do rear their ugly heads from time to time. I feel like I am having my nose rubbed in it every day! There are (understantably) photos of my SS everywhere in the house.

We have been referred to ICSI but there is a massive wait (as a lot on here will verify). We were put on the list in August and our appointment is looking to be April at the earliest. Feel defeatist. Want to just run away and ignore the fact that children exist.

Can someone identify?


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Mightymouse - welcome hunnie, just wanted to send you a hug...although I've no experience of being a step Mummy - I can understand only too well, the years of yearning for a child, and the strain it puts on a relationship... without having the extra pressure of having your nose rubbed in it.  We were also referred for ICSI as my hubby had a zero sperm count... we were put on the waiting list for a sperm donor, but hubby began taking Wellman multivitamins (made by Vitabiotics), and by the time we were going through treatment, he went from zero to over a million - maybe you could bear this in mind while you're on the waiting list.

With your hubby having a child from a previous marriage, I'd have assumed (rightly or wrongly) that you would need to go through treatment as a private patient, I'd think that finding a clinic who would offer nhs treatment in these circumstances would be difficult - especially as a small number of pct's have already stopped fertility treatment altogether to help 'balance the books'.

Wanted to wish you all the very best - but I suppose the run up to, and Christmas itself is always a hard time of year too .... I always found it a very difficult time to cope with - but we're here for you - to talk to. 
Big hugs
Sheila


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## MJA1983 (Aug 16, 2011)

Hi Mighty  Mouse 

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

I know exactly how you are feeling.  Me and my husband to be have near enough exactly the same situation. 

Here's are story,

Darren, met his ex when Grace who will soon be 5 was about 4 months old.  He fell in love with the baby, and rushed into marriage with the mother, as he tells me "it was for Grace".  They split up and got divorced, and her mother tends to use the little one as a weapon agains t me and him.  Darren has always tried to stick by the little girl as she knows him as dad.  (she doesn't call me mummy) She seems to be very jealous and when Darren comes over to give me a cuddle or a kiss, she will be straight in the middle.  

We used to have her 4 days one week and 3 days another. Worked out quite well as her nursery was near our old house, so i didn't have to much to do with the mother (who is a complete pain, to put it politely)... We puposely got our new house near her nursery and the school she was going to go to, and one day her mother contacted us, wanting money off Darren, and when we refused, she took Grace out of school without us knowing, so we went to collect her, and she was no longer there.  She also stopped us seeing her, and no we get her every other weekend.

We have even had the police called, when she hasn't had her own way, she told them we had kidnapped her. 

Any way, when we have her hear we have some good days, and then other times it reminds me that, Darren is already called "Daddy" and i am nobodies "mummy".  I know that sounds really pathetic, but i can not help that feeling.  Also doesnt help that Graces mother has just had another baby, and flaunts it as i now have to pick Grace up from her and drop her back off.  

Darren and i are currently waiting to start our treatment for ICSI, we have a seminar on Tuesday this coming week.  I am looking forward to all of it, just seems to have been alot of struggle and heart ache to get there. I know exactly how you feel on this one, and you feel like your a monster because you can not make yourself love that little person as much as you should. They haven't done anything wrong.  

If you ever want to talk, please send me a message. 


Hope you have a lovely evening. 

Mel 

xxx


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## MightyMouse (Apr 2, 2011)

Thank you so much both!! MJA1983 I have PMd you as your situ sounds scarily like mine. 
I just find things harder as each month passes. We have got 2 kittens to help and they do! They give me something to mother and fuss over. 

Just wondered what strategies people have in plcae to help.


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

My DH has a 17 yr old boy and 10 yr old girl -2 different partners and after them he decided to have a vasectomy. I am so angry he did that before I met him and now its our turn after the vasectomy reversal we have little chance of conceiving naturally.   I understand as I find it hard to have a relationship with the 17yr old who lived with us. take care of yourself xxx


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## MightyMouse (Apr 2, 2011)

How do you cope from day to day? That must really suck

My SS has just been round tonight and he didn't want to go back. Was in my arms the entire evening. 
Really tugged at my heartstrings. Guess it's good to know I am doing something right.


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

Yeah I took on DH's son when he was 14 that was really hard... his mums side of the family interfered in our lives for so long. Not quite sure how me and hubby survived. But I know the pain of wanting your OWN child with the man you love and there in front of you- you have reminder that he's had a child before, you weren't the first partner to have a child with him and its a reminder of the past relationship!! 
I know it's hard hunny but I am here if you ever need to vent your frustrations, I know all the feelings from jealousy throgh to guilt xx take care


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## MrsFlossey25 (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi Girls

I too am facing this agonising journey start my 1st treatment once i've had an induced period and my partner has 2 children from a previous marriage. i love his children to bits and the youngest calls me mummy and the oldest sticks to my side like glue. there mother is nothing but a nasty waste of space and always tries to comes between me and my partner and did succeed back in January when i left my partner for 5 months and left my life behind and moved back with my parents.

She hasn't won tho as the love i have for my partner brought us back together on the eve of our 2 year anniversary. and we have never been happier. ive been to hell and back regarding the ex wife and what she has done to me to try and get me out of my partners life but you have to show a united front with your partners and not let her get you down.

I know how hard it is when she can dangle the children infront of you but you WILL have your own babies 

anyone who would like to talk or need advise im always here.

lou xx


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## A J (Oct 2, 2011)

Hi ladies,

So gald I came across this thread as I can so identify with that longing for a baby of your own when DH already has his own

My story is that both me and DH were married before. I didnt want children in my first marriage for various reasons but DH has 2 sons. His ex is a witch who has poisoned their eldest son so much he refuses to speak to DH which hurts him terribly. He has worked very hard to build up a relationship with the younger son who is 9 next week. I have only spent time with him on about 10 occasions as DH had always babied, over protected him since we met 5 years ago. 
I have always struggled with this as there is a kind of competition between us. Everytime we argue it comes back to his children who he is so hung up on. 
When we got married last year SS was told that he wasnt going to have the SS/SM relationship which I guess we were both ok with. We just never hit it off and dont see each other.

I resent the time he spends with his son, the money he gives to his ex and the fact that I have been paying thousands (15k so far) on fertility treatment by myself as he is lining that womans pocket. 
I find it such a struggle every day. 2 weeks ago after I had a BFP from a DEivf cycle in Spain DH was with SS enjoying 'being families' when I started miscarrying again. He came back and we actually ended up arguing again when I needed his support. He didnt believe it was a miscarriage starting as I had spotted all through cycle and blood tests the day before were positive.

Now we are ok, we both just find our emotions so hard to deal with. We are having fertility councelling which has been helping ( little by little).

SS has a birthday this week and of course he is centre of attention then they spend Christmas eve together yet I want my husband....

Can anyone relate to this awful resentment of SS and the ex and how do you cope with it?

AJ xxx


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## MrsFlossey25 (Nov 28, 2011)

Aj I can't tell you how I feel for you. I know what your going through and sure alot others do to. 

I do feel based on what you said your dh needs to support you kore, I left my dp for 5 months because he never understood how hard it was and his ex wife was making my life unbearable thank god he's now changed.

You must be so hurt and feel unloved and find it disgusting your paying for treatment while he gives the ex all his money. 

The witch tried doing the same to my ss but he knows her for what age is

Do you get on with ss your dh has contact with? How old? Remember it's not the child's fault but I understand you being jealous because I used to be like that but I learnt if I wanted dp I had to accept the kids too and now I'm happy with my little family but I only dream of hearing those words we all want " mummy"

If you want to contact me via email your very welcome too, always here to talk xx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi ladies. I have "been there" although my stepsons are grown ups now, they were 7 and 12 when we got together.

There's a thread here with some ladies who are supporting each other through step parenting, and the feelings we cope with during the process of ttc with partners' having children already: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=270035.0

Please do pop along and join in. 

C~x


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## MrsFlossey25 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you Caz

xx


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## A J (Oct 2, 2011)

Thanks Caz for the link, I have been on there for for a read.
And thanks Flossey25 for your reply...Im finding it hard to accept at times. DH is trying to be supportive in the best way he can, Im certainly not making it easy for him as I dont want anything to do or hear about his children,I just cant!!

Seems like I am the only one who doesnt seem to get on with SS. It really makes me feel very selfish. I know DH has had such a hard time building up a relationship with his youngest son while the eldest doesnt want to know him. Ex is a witch who has poisoned their eldest son. Of course DH is very hurt by this and I cant support him as I feel like he is giving more of his thinking time etc to them.
It gets on my nreves when he has to meet them every week while I am struggling with my feelings. I dont want to hear anything about them while he does want my support to talk things through.
We are stuck in a cycle of negative feelings. Im dreading Christmas, a bit raw after miscarriage I guess.

Sorry but just wanted to get that off my chest.
AJ xxx


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## MrsFlossey25 (Nov 28, 2011)

Aj 

Have you thought about having councilling for this? i feel very sorry for you. i know it's hard but try to remember it really isnt the kids fault and the SS has been made to feel this way towards you from the mother. its not how he really feels

Your DH sounds like he is stuck in the middle, but i understand how hard it is to feel anything for the SS and feel left out and abanded when he sees them

I'm always here if you need to talk about it, sound off or anything but i do feel that you should seek councilling to talk about it, i did and it helped

Where do you live? as i tried the samaritans and spoke to them via email and they helped me loads

xxx


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## MightyMouse (Apr 2, 2011)

This is great ladies! I am so glad that I am not alone. I coul bore you stupid with Tales of the Ex. She dangles the new baby she's had with her new husband (even though she's not over the one she left!). 

I really do try my best with SS. I do most of the pick ups and handovers (it worked out better financially) and do most of the "caring" too as DH works. Even the other week DH could not make SS's parent's evening but the school know me and were more  than happy to conduct the parnet's eveing. 

Tomorrow is SS's nativity. Last year DH got carried away and whilst all the other "mums" sat watching their little darlings. I couldn't cos he's not mine and I just didn't have that connection with him. At the end ... we argued. DH didn't see he was abanonding me. Fast forward a year and things are differnt. My SS loves me and I love him. DH has promised not to abandon me. But it rips into me being at the school! 

I have been told to try and get on with other "mums" for SS's sake. I can't! 
I have also lost freinds through this too....
My oldest freind became mumsier and mumsier with every sprog she's had. I've ha to put up with patronising digs about me not being a "proper mummy" and "you've got all this to come"  and "Not having a maternal bone in my body". I do so much of the care for SS. I have been dragged through court; have CAFCASS stomp through my home; have changed nappies; cared for the child during the night and now am intergral part of his life...FOR A CHILD THAT'S NOT MINE! It feels like it's being dangled in front of me on a daily basis! 

Pause for breath! lol


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