# Advice needed



## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi there,
So, I have been doing really well and thought the worst of the pain was over. Yesterday, I went to meet with my best friends known since school. One of my friends was pregnant which tbh didn't come as a big shock and I politely made conversation. Problem is the conversation revolved around pregnancy for maybe 1/4 of the evening over dinner.  My 2 best friends(not preg) know my situation and have seen my tears on previous meet ups. They all live in the same area, I am 2 hours away and had travelled to them. Anyway, long story short, I just can't sit on the sidelines and watch them live their lives over the next 2 years in a game I so desperately want to share with them. So, I have lost a different friend last year who had a baby- I had decided to be honest with her and wrote her a letter and asked her for some space as my hubbie and I were going thru our final ivf - she said she thought we should have been able to navigate the friendship! So, now with this situation - I have decided that I cannot use the honest approach again. So, that kind of leaves me with just the passive aggressive approach of ignoring texts and feigning being busy? Is that ok? I'm racked with guilt but I don't want to be the one making everyone feel uncomfortable. I wish I could fast forward a few years when all the pregars talk is over - I feel so isolated. Or I wish I could emigrate!
Is there anyone out there who has been thru similar or who can guide me? Kate


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are suffering katehe
I truly believe only the people here can understand the pain and fear and vulnerability I think you might feel. Friends just don't get it. And to some extent it's not their fault (though a bit more empathy wouldn't go amiss). Well done for getting through a challenging evening. 
I have, as much as I can, moved on -now pursuing adoption - and feel a lot stronger a couple of years after stopping ivf. And as a result I am now picking up the bonds of friendship with some of those with young children that I distanced myself from during my lowest points. I kept in touch, seeing all my mummy and pregnant friends but only every few months throughout recent years and generally in the evening without children and I still dreaded most meetings and was upset afterwards. But by keeping in touch a bit i am able to gently build up our relationships again and see them with their families too. i hope you find a way to work through these tough times and I think your distance from these friends would make some pulling back quite subtle. My advice is to try to balance being kind to yourself while keeping doors open. 
Gettina xxxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Thank you so much Gettina, 
So good to hear from someone else who distanced themselves and is picking things up later on.
Makes me feel that maybe I am not such a horrid individual !
Thanks again for replying and good luck with your journey
X
P.s. did you try and make new friendships with different people? Did you still talk with your original friends about your IF journey or did it suddenly drop off the conversation like it was taboo? I don't blame my friends- I haven't massively spoken to them about the scars it causes..


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

as my friends over the years had children i couldn't cope with playing auntie and so let the friendships drift away. i couldn't deal with even simple things like phoning them only to be told by their husband they were putting the kids to bed or something... i never sent their kids birthday cards or anything like that. 

i had no idea waiting for my own family would take so long, i always thought, 'i'll be pregnant by.. christmas, easter, etc.'

i just thought it would be a matter of a few months and then i'd be back in touch and everything would go back to normal.

the weeks turned to months turned to years.. it never got any easier.

some of the babies are nearly adults now..

others that i half intended to go and see are already starting school.

i have missed so much. 

the lesson i am trying to share is that i'm now really rather lonely at 42.. if i'd known it would be like this i would have played it differently. it's too late now for me to rescue these friendships... if i ever do get my own baby i expect they'll think 'well, she never bothered to come and see my kids'...

i would say, if you can, brave it out and save the friendships. cry if you need to but try and work through it with them...

but if you can't, i understand ( i couldn't, at the time). By all means let things drift... but there is heartache whichever way you look at it. Locking yourself away might seem to help at first, but if time passes, and it might.. it's a hard road to find yourself travelling down alone.

you can't expect them to understand or to behave sensitively. you can't ask them to be magically what you need. you just have to accept them as they are, or stroll away and hope new friendships form in their place. but life is short and fragile, and unpredictable, so try and get what you need, be selfish if you have to... or just take every day as it comes.
  xxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks goldbunny
That is really good advice too - thank you so much- I think you are right - I need to think long term as well.
My instinct is to run away but I guess that ultimately that will be painful too. 
I think I will try to join the 'more to life' group as well though as my friends no longer wholly fit me like they did in our twenties. I guess we just don't have shared 'interests' anymore that can sustain the relationships. It sounds harsh I suppose but I guess it is easier for me to portion the guilt as a situational thing rather than me simply not being flexible enough. Still feel horrendous though!
Thank you again so much for getting in touch- it is so helpful to hear from someone that is slightly ahead of me in this awful journey. 
Kate x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi 
In answer to your question katehe, the friends that failed to ask about my life - ie IF   - I more or less let go of. It was just a couple of people and they didn't prove to be true friends IMO. The rest kept asking and I would, increasingly briefly answer - basically that life was sh*t- and would talk more about holidays etc. And now these friends are very interested in and supportive of our adoption journey. Of course they all act like this is now our happy ending. It hopefully will be but no one ever acknowledges we are still grieving what they have - but that's totally forgivable!
To a small extent i found new friends during my IF journey by meeting up every now and again with some lovely long term local fertility frienders from my regional thread.

 goldbunny. I hope you find ways to make some fab friends over the years if you wish to. And that was a great post. X

Good luck both,
X


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## Birdiepie (Sep 27, 2012)

I think the best thing is to have a variety of friends. Most of my friends and work colleagues have children and do child related activities. I don't think half the time they even realise you are excluded from such activities.

I own dogs though and a lot of my friends I have made through owning them. Some have children and some don't but we meet up for dog walks and at rescue shows. You end up talking about your dogs like people who have children talk about them. 

I have a friend who was like you and couldn't stand to be around pregnant people. Luckily her first round of IVF was successful and I am pleased for her as I know how much she wanted it.

I think you have to be glad for what you have got sometimes not sad for what you haven't. It is hard I know but you can't waste the life you have being miserable. Just take a gentle step back for a while, maybe find new groups of friends, (I can recommend getting a dog   ) and dip in and out of your circles of friends. If they are your true friends they will understand


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## Storygirl (Aug 17, 2012)

I actually feel really sorry for my friends. It's pretty much impossible for them to get this right. They don't want to rub my nose in it - but at the same time, their children are the most important thing in their lives, and because they are my friend, they want to include me in that life.

I have told all my friends to carry on as normal and not try to be sensitive, as their efforts to be tactful are often worse! I literally don't have a friend now that doesn't have a child, so I would be very lonely if I cut them all off. Of course it hurts (quite often), but I love my friends dearly and cling on to the thought that over the course of a (hopefully!) long life, the joy I get from them will outweigh the current pain - and after all, the pain is about me, not them. I have told them all individually that when they announce their pregnancies, show off their babies, we have the coffee shop meeting where I'm the only toddler-free person etc, I might be acting sometimes - but sometimes I won't be, sometimes I'll be enjoying it and I actually don't want them to know when is real and when isn't because there is nothing they can do either way. 

I genuinely think that this is like any other grief - it's incredibly isolating and you just have to accept that and not expect people to be able to break through that isolation. They can't. I just don't want to make the isolation worse. But it's hard, it's really hard.

xx


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Storygirl - a beautiful post & so insightful  
xx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I was very, very honest with my friends.  I told them it was just too hard for me to see them pregnant and/or with babies but that I would do my best to see them as soon as I felt strong enough.  As a result, I only have two sets of friends with children but I know for sure that they are my true friends - people who show greater concern for me than they do for themselves.  I did eventually meet their children and was so, so pleased when I did.  I realised it was not the pregnancy itself that was the problem but what it represented.  So when I was finally able to face that, I was able to meet the babies and as soon as I did, it removed any stigma it might have held for me as they became beautiful little people in their own right, no longer a reminder of what I couldn't do.

It's so very hard but as the years went by, I did learn that it was my issue, not theirs and luckily I had some very understanding friends who saw that and were willing to work around it with me.  I also had some less than understanding 'friends' but I no longer see them and my life is far more enriched because of it.


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks Mandy Pandy 
And congratulations on your natural bfp - incredible !


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