# Re: How to tell people that you are doing IVF



## snowberry (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello. I am new to this. I started out two years ago at the age of 40 trying to get pregnant (no partner so I went down the IVF and donor sperm route). I had two IUI cycles at London Womens Clinic (not a great experience). Neither of them worked and I have no idea why but the clinic did not seem to be taking enough care with timings.  I have now done ICSI at Bourn Hall and I can't speak highly enough of them. I have six embryos remaining after 3 days post EC and I'm waiting for 5 day embryo transfer on Sunday.
My main issue at the moment aside from the rollercoaster of daily phone calls to clinic is deciding whether to tell people what I am doing and how to broach the issue. As an older single person - there is a lot of prejudice. It would be good to hear other people's experiences.


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Hello didn't want to read and run. I know that people may have their own opinions, thoughts and feelings about your treatment. But ultimately its your decision &  your life.  If you do tell people and they choose to be unsupportive thats up to them, please don't let that worry you.
I have not actively sought treatment for years now, but in the past have gone with telling everyone, to telling only one or two close friends, to telling nobody at all. At first I told everyone but found that to be more pressure on me. Its always nice to have someone to confide in but not sure if work colleagues are always the best.  Whatever you decide don't feel you have to excuse yourself to anyone. Good luck with your embryo transfer and fingers crossed for a big fat positive for you.
x


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi snowberry,

Firstly good luck on your current cycle - I hope it ends in a BFP for you.

There are lots of singlies on the singles boards if you want to to join us - it's split unfortunately into those with babiess and those without, but everyone is very friendly   

For me, I was very open about having treatment and my thinking to start off with was that I didn't want to suddenly "turn up" pregnant and have everyone gossip about who the daddy was.  Plus I am proud of what I am doing.  However, after my second cycle which sadly ended in miscarriage, I started to be a bit more cagey about what I was doing, as in WHEN I was cycling.  This was more to do with having to manage everyone else's expectations (and emotions in the case of the miscarriage) when I was struggling to manage my own.

I am now on my 5th cycle and whilst friends and family know I am trying again, they do not  all know that it is with donor embryos and I am finding that a bit difficult for all sorts of OTHER reasons   

However, overall I was honest, except with work.  I do contract work so I really think they don't need to know.  I did tell my last boss as on my first cycle I had to stim for so long that my "day surgery" date kept moving and in the end I had to come clean - I'm not very good at lying, which is the biggest reason I am struggling now.

As for prejudice (sorry, I know I'm babblinga bit!) I have told MANY MANY people about what I am doing and have only had two negative responses, both from people that I don't know well (one, a virtual stranger   )

Anyway, all the other single ladies will have had different experiences, although I do think most have not had too many prejudice comments.

Take care and hope all goes well for you       

GIA Too xxxx


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## snowberry (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks to both of you for your really nice messages.
There is prejudice about older people having babies, single people....I guess anything that sets you apart. 
I think you are right - that there is something about having to deal with people's expectations so I have only told two friends. I don't intend to tell people at work until I have to,  and I would probably only give them brief details (the whole donor thing is very personal). I have also realised that it may not be necessary to bombard people with all the details straight away - they need time to get their heads round it. 
But as you say, if they can't deal with it - that is their problem. The worst reaction I had was an acupuncturist who was really rude. Unbelievable.  
Embryo transfer was fine and two embryos are in. 
Good luck to both of you. I will let you know how I get on.  
xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Snowberry Why not pop over to the single girls thread as there are plenty ladies (now mums) in their mid 40's and lots of mummies and all have had to 'broach teh subject'. I am 42 and single and still TTC

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0
L x


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## snowberry (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks L
I will definitely check out the singles forum. It is nice to chat to people in the same boat and not feel that you are on your own.
Katie x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

snowberry - think you have now found the singles' boards as well, but will add my thoughts/experiences here in the meantime

I started ttc over 3 yrs ago at the age of 37...did 3 IUI at LWC, then 3 IVF there, did get pg on one of those but not viable. Then moved to OE IVF at Reprofit in Czech Republic for a couple of goes and eventually had to give up on my poor old eggs and go for donor eggs instead. Am now 31 wks pg with twins from donor egg/sperm FET and will turn 41 just before the boys are born 

I told family and close friends right at the start that I was going to try for a baby - as a singlie I wanted to be sure I could count on their support. Most of them weren't surprised at all anyway, I'd made no secret of my desire for a family and they know me as the sort of person who takes things in hand if they're not happening naturally anyway   
During treatment I was always rather vague about timings etc because, like GIAToo, I found it quite stressful to have them keep asking how it was going etc (even though they meant well...)
When I moved to donor eggs I also discussed that with close family and close friends, but not everyone

Until I got pg, only 2 people at work knew (both friends as much as colleagues). Once I was pg, I was open about having fertility tx and using a sperm donor, but I have not mentioned the egg donor aspect - not their business frankly (wanted them to know it was planned not a one night stand etc but the details are irrelevant to work as far as I am concerned)

I must be blessed with amazing family and friends because I can honestly say I have not had one negative response...either before/during tx or now that I'm pregnant. Even from older relatives who are more conservative (including an uncle who is a minister and very 'churchy') I've had nothing but support - although I think behind the scenes they are perhaps a little bemused by it all!

I do get lots of comments re how 'brave' I am, but mostly people are just happy and excited for me. And I've found twins seems to get people twice as excited about it!

In terms of 'how' to broach the issue, I was very upfront, sat family/friends down at an appropriate moment and just said I had something I wanted them to know and that I was going to try/was trying to have a baby. Some asked lots of questions about how it all works etc, others didn't. I tried to be as matter of fact about it all as possible. I'd thought it all through so thoroughly and was totally prepared so none of them asked questions I couldn't answer or raised issues that I couldn't deal with - which I think helped because they could all see I was fully committed to it, had thought through the implications and it wasn't some crazy idea I'd rushed into etc...

At the end of the day there will always be some who judge (and I recommend avoiding the Daily Mail comments section and any of their articles on IVF/single women having fertility tc etc as it makes for very depressing reading....) but my view is that is their problem and not mine. You only get one life and one shot at happiness....you can't deny yourself that because others disapprove. I try my hardest not to judge others for their decisions, and hope that they will apply the same to me. And those that can't/won't are not people I want to be around anyway

Not sure when you are due to test, but best of luck    
Am sure we'll chat more over on the singles board!
Suitcase
x


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## snowberry (Jan 13, 2011)

Sadly I had a negative result which was awful but not totally unexpected given my age so I am going to take some time to think about my options. 
I found your email really helpful and it will give me a lot to think about  in the next month or two.

Thank you.


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