# Wedding invite - WWYD?



## someday

Today we received a wedding invitation for 3 weeks time. The couple are aware we have adopted and were apparently giving us time for all to settle! The children have met lots of our friends and if we were going to go there is one couple in particular that we would ask to babysit. What would you do? TBH my gut instinct is not to go. I'm not friends with either bride or groom. DH has known them a long time, is friendly with the bride's dad but  we never tend to see the couple socially really.


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## someday

Thanks Wyxie. The children haven't been invited so wouldn't really be the centre of attention. They will have been with us for about 9 1/2 weeks at that stage.


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## Wyxie

Hi Someday, I realised I'd missed the point and deleted the post.  I edefinite wouldn't have that soon in, but depends on how they're settling!


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## Old Timer

Hi

Personally, as it's not a wedding of good friends, I wouldn't bother.  Your LOs need to be with you, not a babysitter, this early on and regardless of how they seem to be settling, leaving them so soon could trigger problems.

Neither of my children would let me out of their sight for the first 6 months and after that I was only prepared to leave them with my Mum.

OT x


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## star17

I don't have experience of adopting myself, but just wondered whether DH could go as they are his friends and you stay behind with the LOs.  Having seen my cousins adopting, their amazing little boy needed them to be around them a lot for a while and maybe tat would work as a compromise.  Unless DH doesn't want to go on his own!  Good luck with everything x


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## Arrows

I personally wouldn't leave lo with anyone that soon in, especially when they're not close friends.  Could you consider just your dh going?


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## someday

I've suggested that he goes on his own but he doesn't want to. He went on about how he went to weddings with me (of work colleagues) of people he didn't really see often. I told him that wasn't fair as I saw those people every day and we hadn't new adopted two children. I asked my friend today and said it was unlikely that we would go and she is happy to do it if we do. I'm really not happy about going for a number of reasons really including the kids.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Try showing him everyone's responses on here perhaps seeing some other Mummies that don't think you should go may help convince him it isn't a good idea for you or Lo's x x


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## Wyxie

Just to give some idea of timing.  Wyxling had been with us for nearly 6 months when we left her with someone else for the first time, to attend a training day with our LA.  It was a complete disaster.  She was fine while we weren't there, but it took us weeks to make up the ground we lost.  We had another one booked two weeks later and decided just hubby would attend.  I now reluctantly leave her with Grannies.  I'd be less reluctant if they were more on board with how we're asking them to behave with her due to attachment problems.  I still rarely go to the toilet without Wyxling coming with me and never when we're out.  We're fortunate in that she sleeps very well, so we've been out in the evenings 3 or 4 times over the last few months and left her with a relative.  She knew we were going out, but they never had to do anything for her.  She fussed a lot before and after, but coped.

Wyxie


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## wynnster

I wouldn't go, if dh is that close to them then he'd go on his own.  My dh went to a party alone a few weeks after dd came home, lots of questions why but just explain that their whole world has been turned upside down and they need time to settle, it actually makes people stop and think


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## Arrows

We thought our lo had no attachment issues at all and left him for 3hrs to go see a film about 4mths in. He was fine with her but afterwards we went through hell and he wouldn't sleep,  eat or let me out ofsight. 6mths in, i had to return to work andleft him at nursery for mon & tues mornings. After 3 weeks I still had him screaming if I so much as LOOKED at a door. I had to pull him out of the nursery and he's now with a close friend but even then we've had only 2 full nights of sleep since I went back to work.
As a result weve had a grand total of 2 nights out in the 8 mths since he came home.  Others gave me the same advice I'm giving now and I told myself it didn't apply to us - please tell your DH that we're thinking of the long term picture here and not trying to interfere.  Get him to read these messages as someone else suggested. 

If he's adamant then may I suggest attending only the ceremony and telling the kids they're going to watch a movie and you WILL be back by the time it finishes / be incredibly clear on how long and where you'll be and exactly what they will be doing with your friend.


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## Dreams do come true

Hi Someday,

Hope you and your LOs are doing okay!

We had placement a similar time and 2 weeks ago I let my sister and her husband take our children to the park, they were gone 30 mins before I decided it didn't feel right, I kept playing over in my head that just 5 weeks prior our children were introduced to 2 new adults (us) and after a week their whole life changed, so I went to the park and stayed with them.

For about 5 days after he really struggled, he cried and wouldn't sleep that night, and it felt like we had undone all of our work...boundaries, attachment etc. Our youngest wa fine and our oldest is now too but I don't think ours are any where near ready to be left with others, regardless of how settled and attached they seem.

One thing to add is that our kids have been around our fmily a lot and DS especially loves my sister.

Good luck with whatever you decide x x


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## ♥JJ1♥

As dh doesn't want o go alone I would not go send them a nice card and have a family day- 3 weeks isn't much time to plan either!!!!-


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## someday

Thankfully I have convinced dh we shouldn't go. Phew but it was hard work. I really think it would set us all back if we had gone. Thanks ladies for your advice.xxx


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## baby0684

I am in a similar situation. Lo will come home begining september, my friends wedding is at the end.
I am doing it on my own, so no partner to fall back on, very supportive mum though.

Def not take ac, but bc is invited!


Omg. What do I do?


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## GERTIE179

Sorry Baby - but I just don't think I would go. A LO of about a year cannot understand what everything's about and their little world will still be upside down. Some people have done this soon into placement but I think with older ones.

If you do go, have you thought through the practicalities if keeping LO with you and not allowing him to be taken for cuddles etc (even to the toilet).

If its a night time invite or that's an option then if LO is sleeping through and you can get a sitter to come then you may manage a short time but in my honest opinion, you will be too stressed and is it all worth it?
The early days are tough enough. Good luck with what you decide.
X


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Don't forget that before your adoption order you are required to not leave your LO with anyone else unless approved by the LA, so if you did want to go to an evening do you'd have to have an approved person with a relevant CRB check to babysit.  That's hard if you don't have a partner and are doing it alone, I do admire your journey, I don't think I'd be strong enough without knowing I had DH to share all the responsibility with.  

TBH, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to be a bit reclusive for a while.  I don't think everyone fully gets it that we won't be inviting them all here a few days after LO comes home but we sure won't and we'll continue to refuse visits until we all feel ready and then for a bit longer after that.    I've already refused a 40th Wedding Anniversary party during intros as I think we'll just be too knackered to even consider it. xx


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## someday

AuntieKatie said:


> Don't forget that before your adoption order you are required to not leave your LO with anyone else unless approved by the LA, so if you did want to go to an evening do you'd have to have an approved person with a relevant CRB check to babysit. That's hard if you don't have a partner and are doing it alone, I do admire your journey, I don't think I'd be strong enough without knowing I had DH to share all the responsibility with.
> 
> TBH, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to be a bit reclusive for a while. I don't think everyone fully gets it that we won't be inviting them all here a few days after LO comes home but we sure won't and we'll continue to refuse visits until we all feel ready and then for a bit longer after that.  I've already refused a 40th Wedding Anniversary party during intros as I think we'll just be too knackered to even consider it. xx


I don't think that applies to adoption unless it varies with all la/va. I have never been told that but we have not been out anyway since LO's arrived. We have been out separately but not together (after kids are in bed). I agree with being knackered during intros its tiring physically and emotionally.


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## GERTIE179

Someday - you would need to check with Los SW what they expect of you. My LA follow AKs but my Los SW is from a diff borough and their take is you as parent decide who is responsible for your LO but we are close to AO and have never left LO with anyone except us. It's tiring that's for sure but I definately think it makes a diff in LO becoming more secure esp if Los have had respite.
X


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## someday

I'm not concerned about it tbh as we have no intention of leaving them with anyone for quite a while now that dh has realised how important it is.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Sorry Someday, I realised you weren't going to leave your LO, but I was really aiming that post at Baby, incase she was thinking of going to an evening do and getting a baby sitter.

I think it's true that parental responsibility agreements vary between LA's, ours was written specifically to apply to our situation and our child so I wonder if they also vary within LA's?


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## baby0684

As I am on my own, my mum and dad have been checked and are able to look after LO if needed.

I dont want to go as I know ill be only a few weeks in. It is in the evening. But still thinking no.


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## baby0684

My friend has suggested that I have my mum to sit for an hour and I go with my BC when AC is in bed?
Im still not sure.


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## thespouses

When your AC arrives you may get a better sense of how they sleep. We have a regular babysitter and she has yet to see little boy awake after 7pm in over a year - so we have started paying her for Saturday afternoon every couple of weeks so he knows who she is! But not all children sleep that well!


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## Wyxie

Baby, I would not go that soon in even in the evening.  I'd be worried that if l/o did wake up and I wasn't there, there would be more problems in the future.


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## Old Timer

Baby - I'm afraid I have to agree with the others, it is too soon after placement to leave LO with a sitter when they are alseep.  Just imagine being that LO, having everything familiar to you taken away, just getting used to another adult and then you wake up one night and its someone else there....VERY scary!!  You just cannot predict how things will go and you will also be exhausted in those early weeks.  It is very easy to listen to friends with birth children, and no doubt they will think you are just over protective at times, but you don't want to take any risks with a newly place LO, it is very different from having a birth child.

OT x


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## someday

so they have come back to us and they have had some people cancel so the kids are now invited too. I guess this puts a different perspective on things doesn't it.


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## wynnster

Err no it doesn't really, its too early to overwhelm them with lots of new faces and overfriendly well wishers   

Just ask Poppetsmammy - seriously!


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## someday

wynnster said:


> Err no it doesn't really, its too early to overwhelm them with lots of new faces and overfriendly well wishers
> 
> Just ask Poppetsmammy - seriously!


I actually think it does. They have met lots of new people over the last couple of months esp as we attend church and so there have been lots of new people there. They have coped remarkably well and it really hasn't affected them. I spoke to our sw yesterday and she agreed they would be ready for it and most probably benefit from it.


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## wynnster

Only you know your children well enough to make that decision.  I would have probably done the same as a first time adoptive mummy 5 years ago...... however, now I see things completely differently and from my childrens perspective only, experience has taught me this. 

SW's and adoptive parents don't always agree on what is best for children.  You should hear some of the classic's statements I have heard over the years   

I fail to see how it would be 'beneficial' for them when their main focus should be bonding with you    

Please do speak to PoppetsMammy or read her post if you have access to post-placement. 

But, as I say, you know them best and know what is best for them.


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## Dame Edna

Just offering some back up to Wynnster.  I think she is right.

Honestly, SW's don't always know what is best for adoptive children, some of them frankly have not got a clue and suggest things that might be ok with a birth child but are completely wrong for a recently placed child who has just had their world turned upside down    

Of course this is entirelty your decision as they are your kids   , but all experts agree it is beneficial to limit contact with other people while the kids are settling with you.  The kids might seem 'ok' with lots of people, but actually, that could turn out to be the problem in the long term (attachment).

I think it was KJ who said (in a similar thread), that you don't get a second chance to get this right. 

There will be plenty of other occassions where you can attend as a family, once they have been with you longer  
X


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## Poppets Mammy

Hi Someday

Just noticed this thread and saw I was named dropped so thought I'd best contribute  

I don't know exactly but I think your Lo's will of been home approx 9 weeks on the day of the wedding? Our LO has been home 15weeks now, she is very settled and is very sociable. I've read and been involved in a few similar threads as its really really difficult getting the balance right when Lo's appear settled and keen to meet new people when your reading about forming attachments and keeping newly placed Lo's close and certain types of parenting like funnelling etc. honestly my heads been battered with what I should and shouldn't do as what Dame Edna says you can't get this time back and we've only got one chance to try and get it right to promote a positive attachment. I've changed my opinion on what's best so many times and eventually I've decided that I have to just find a balance between what "the books say" and what we judge to be right for our LO. Everyone's children have different backgrounds and experiences and will take the move differently and they each have their own personalities and handle certain situations in their own way - so as a parent only you can do is get to know your children and judge what's ok and what's too much. I personally think some things I've read and some techniques of parenting are OTT for our LO but that's just us and our circumstances. In the same breath I've learnt so much from the same sources which have been extremely beneficial. It's all about taking snippets of what's suitable for your LO and your family and ignoring what's not.

Anyway, I have to agree that some things SW's say are bonkers, I can't see how a big social event like that is beneficial. It's either something they'll cope with or won't cope with but I doubt it will be an overly positive experience for anyone.

We've socialised our LO quite a lot, prob more than most would agree is suitable but we've always tred carefully and managed to stay in control and LO has coped great. BUT last weekend we attended a family wedding and it was a total nightmare. There were people there that LO knew, some she didn't and people even we didn't know. The people who knew her and she knew got themselves carried away and were far too affectionate with her and and we totally lost control. People were quite literally picking her up and carrying her around and taking her to different tables and introducing her to people. They were basically just making a big fuss of her and showing her off proudly but a line was most certainly crossed. We tried our best to steal her back and keep her close but it wasn't working and we (well me mainly) were at a point where cross words were going to be said. LO is sociable and was complying with being cuddled and fussed over and probably seemed like a happy toddler enjoying the party to most, but I started to spot behaviours that we know as warnings that mean she's getting stressed underneath her happy persona. We were very uncomfortable with the situation and I particularly worked myself up into a tizz and decided that the best thing to do was to leave and remove her from the situation. It was that or cause a scene   Thankfully we haven't experienced any backlash from it, she's slept and ate fine since and her behaviour hasn't suffered either - we were lucky and I think I brought her home before it really got too much. It was a stressful experience and I felt totally out of control and was worried sick about the effect it was having on her yet felt powerless to stop it which angered me more. I think if we were ever in that situation again I'd strap on a pair and handle it better.

I think only you and DH know if your LO's are ready but please be aware that it is a bit of a gamble as it could go fine but also could go awfully wrong. Try and stress to any guests that you know that they must keep their hands off your children and give them some space. If you spot signs that they are getting overwhelmed then just leave and get them home where they feel safe and smother them with love and reassurance.

I hope that's of some help


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## someday

Thanks for all your advice. Thanks too poppets mummy for your story.


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