# Anyone else feel that IVF is slowly sending them mad?



## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Hi,

Tis ages since I have posted on here but just need to offload. Was due back to work today ater having ET last Tues but I am really struggling. Had failed IVF in Dec and now doing FET. Feel worse so than when I did fresh cycle. Did not sleep a wink last night, just did not happen and feel permanently menstral and very very low. Have not felt myself since starting on drugs (Climaval) Feel really withdrawn and like a pathetic version of my normal self.

Had to phone in sick and feel so guilty cos was supposed to be on a trip (am a secondary school teacher) so boss was a bit curt. Also tis exams v.soon so feel terrible that my students will be stressing (the conscientious ones anyway!) but I thought rather that than lose it with the kids or cry. Just feel like these emotions are totally out of my control. Phoned hospital who say that some women experience the effectsvery strongly. Like my mum says, you can't expect to put al this in your system and not feel anything.

Just wondered if anyone else feels like this. I am finding it almost impossible to make simple decisions. And feel so so guilty about all time I have had off

Any comments appreciated

Has anyone else felt likethis?


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Northy - You are not alone.  I have felt this way and after my last BFN went straight to work only to break down at work and come straight home.  Don't underestimate what you are putting yourself through here.  It's quite simply the toughest thing I've ever been through and I've been through plenty of tough times!!!

Sending you big hugs and lots of    

  
  

LuuLuu


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Thanks Luu Luu,

I agree is the hardest thing I have ever done. Just makes you feel out of control, feel like have had personality transplant. Plus am absolutely knackered. Just hate feeling sorry for myself and guilty.

I see you are on 2ww. Hope you doing ok


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Northy - yes my first tx was about the same time as your last one and I was completely positive right through til the BFN which I thought was going to destroy me!!!  I got myself back together though but this time round - I knew what was coming!!!  Had a meltdown in hospital after EC crying that it wasn't going to work (which is so not me - I'm known for being ultra positive!!!)  Then since then, I've worked so hard at being positive but am terrified of another BFN.  

You definitely feel you have had a personality transplant!!!  I have lost a lot of confidence and don't want to spend time with my friends with kids.  I can cope when I remind myself that this should only be a temporary problem!!!

I'm determined not to let this thing beat me!!!  I have so many good things in life that I just have to tell myself I will appreciate a BFP ore than anyone once I get it!!!

  

LuuLuu


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Really good to talk to someone in same situ. Know what you mean about friends. 4 of my mates are pg and 2 of them are my oldest mates. One of them got pg through iui. My sis had baby (not planned of course) in Oct. You just feel like you'll be left behind although I try not to make comparisons.

I am scared that hasn't worked cos honestly don't think can put myself through it again. Want my old life back but will leave big decisions til am not so drugged up and sleep deprived.I don't think has worked cos of menstral symptoms and I do my temperature sometimes on a morning and is dead low but am trying to stay positive

Have appt with doc in hour so should get dressed! Did you take 2ww off?

Wish you successful testing


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Good luck at the docs.  Yep I am off for whole 2 weeks as could not cope with work at the moment!!!

Wishing you a successful OTD too.


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## Bree (Mar 21, 2007)

LuuLuu  just wanted to say HELLO! We chatted on 2ww back in January when we both got BFNs  Looks like we are doing another 2ww together! I had my transfer on 21st April ( same day as Northy). I am finding it impossible to feel positive as cycle in Oct was negative then another negative in January. The pressure is on as this is the last chance for little brother or sister for DS.

Northy, I am on a FET cycle too   Most people feel exactly how you described so well! I am feeling so low and negative and like a shadow of my former self. But as I am fond of saying, you dont need to feel positive for this to work you just need the guts to keep on trying. Just starting the second week of the 2ww. The "crazy week". Ususally dogged by mood swings and desperate urge to test early   Aaargh!

Well, its not over til its over I guess, so heres   for all of us. Bree xxx


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Well am back from docs who tried to sign me off for a fortnight. Thought they didn't do that anymore. Must have looked like crap!
Feel a bit less bonkers but so knacked that don't know what to do. Might mess around on here for a bit, so much for not getting obsessed.

Hi Bree,

Good to have some solidarity in the crazy world of 2 week waiting. Have you taken whole time off? Sorry still bad about work.

What do you do Luu Luu?


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## Guest (Apr 28, 2009)

I think it takes over your whole life! DP has been very emotional whilst down regging which is not like her, and had extreme headaches and sinusitus with the sniffing and has had to go on to injections. I think I was very lucky to conceive on the second DI cycle and it was not stressful at all. Now after 6 negative DI cycles with DP and now going through IVF we both feel we can think of nothing else. Our brains are just full of thoughts of drugs and appointment dates and what is ahead of us. Will it work? How will we feel if it doesn't? How many times do we try? What if it works and we have twins?! Where will we keep finding money from? We didn't want to tell people at work but have had to as it is very hard to know exactly when you will need to go back to the clinic. We both feel that our lives are a bit on hold at the moment. We are the sort of family that are always visiting family and friends or having people over and we don't want to make any plans incase DP doesn't feel well with the drugs, or the dates change for egg retrieval/transfer. It really is a very hard thing to go through as the individual or the partner. I am not used to being so out of control of something, being the control freak that I am!


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

I know what you mean. It's been ages snce I had folk round or gone out so that I avoid drinking or smoking and quite honestly have become a couch potato. My hat goes off to folks who go through loads of cycles. Really don't like how process makes me feel but tis difficult to face the alternative. I am also a bit of a control freak and a lot of my life is uncertain, aside from if, dh got job 3 hours away where know no one and although ready for change is daunting, need to sell house which is proving difficult and find new job.


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## Bree (Mar 21, 2007)

Northy, I work for myself so planned nothing for next 2 weeks as know work impossible whilst going through this. I am glad you got the time off. Try and do a few things even though knackered, I am sure its better to keep busy or you will go crazy thinking about it all over and over  

Moo, sounds like we are in similar position as I too had l/o in oct 2007. (see my footnotes) Thought I would be more chilled out when trying for second but have gone completely barmy and feel totally desperate!! Wish my DH could take a turn at doing this like you and DP!

Bree xx


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Hi Bree - nice to speak again!!!

Northy - I manage a large workforce and have a lot of HR issues to deal with!!!  It is very stressful at times so for these first two tx's I have taken the 2ww off.  If I have to go for a FET next time, I don't know that I can take the time off again as it would be too soon - I'll probably just take a few days next time!!!


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

That was my plan as well. Oh dear!


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## Bree (Mar 21, 2007)

Good to know you are having another go and not defeated LuuLuu. You sounded so devastated back in January. I'm sure the first BFN is the worst. Like your first broken heart   

You can tell we are all in the second week as all being so negative. Get you and Northy planning your time off for the next go! I guess the negativity is a protection mechanism. Hope feels too painful as we know how ghastly it is to have it squashed 

Do you live in the North, Northy? I live just outside Leeds. Bree xx


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## Luise3 (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi everyone, i've only ever posted on this site once but thought i'd come on for a read since i am feeling completely irrational & irritable today! Each day is getting worse & each time i go to the loo i'm expecting to see the dreaded thing but it hasn't arrived as yet!
I'm sorry you all feel pretty pants too but i am seriously relieved it's not just me, today i've been torn between screaming & crying, the latter won as always! I know there are people out there going through worse but don't you feel as if this is the worst thing in the world - another irrational thought!!
My friend was supposed to be coming round tonight but i just can't face it, i'm worried i'd snap & be a complete cow when i'm usually pretty easy going & nice to anyone & everyone, not today though, think i could bite someone!! Ha ha!
My test day is sunday but right now i've got mild period type pain & just can't see a BFP happening, it's our first IVF attempt so i'm in between hopeful/positive thoughts & all this negativity which can't be doing any good if someone is trying to grow in there can it!

I'm sorry for moaning ladies, especially to those on their 2nd + attempts. Wishing you all lots of luck for your test days x


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## Bree (Mar 21, 2007)

Luise, , welcome to the mad mad world of the 2ww. Moody and negative thoughts may be vented freely here. We are all going crazy together   . Anyone still cheerful is obviously still in the first week or on different drugs! Bree xx


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

I do take comfort from all you're saying ladies although am sorry you feel poo too!

Bree - I live in Silsden near Keighley although North is my last name! Did you have tx at LGI?

Luise - I could have written your post! Have blubbed several times today! Now I've been signed off, my mum is rtrying to make me stay round there. Not sure I can face it like you. Plus she snores loudly and have already had 2 rubbish night's sleep. Yuck just realised haven't brushed teeth, jeeze that's bad and sums things up really. Well we can keep each other going. Like you, I am due to test Sun but can't go to hospital test til Tues and like you I feel AF is on way. I also think tis worst thing in world   One for each of you!


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## Bree (Mar 21, 2007)

Northy, thats a nice part of the world. No I didnt go to LGI. I am an abroadie, I go to institute Marques in Barcelona. So I normally hop on the plane at Leeds/Bradford and fly out to BCN.I usually stay in a hotel in Barcelona the night before and the night after the transfer. Everyone at the clinic speaks perfect English. 
By the way, try to ignore any symtoms of any kind including AF feelings. Its one of the golden rules of 2WW. Cos any signs or symptoms either way can be very misleading. Your body is so full of weird science at the moment this is the one time you definately shouldnt "listen to it"! Bree xx


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Bree - I'm glad you said that about the symptoms as that's what I'm thinking - ignore everything and just wait and see on the day.  I couldn't decide whether my (.Y.)'s were sore or whether I'd just been prodding them too much - think it's the latter!!!


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hiya

Northy- we spoke quite a while ago. Just want to say loads of luck for the 5th hun   

Hi LuuLuu, Luise and Bree

I am having e/t tomorrow ith our only little embie.
Do not know how i will get through the 2ww.
Am not feeling very optomistic
Real hoping our little one will stick

nicola x x


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Hi ladies,

Was whisked away to my parents last night (think they think have cracked up!) and hurrah I got 8 hours sleep. Finally. It does help you get a different perspective on things. Still feel edgy but not as much as yesterday. Thanks for all your reassurance. Bree, you are right about "weird science" My scientist chum said something similar last night when I was obsessing about my temperature being down. 

What are you up to today? My sis and baby nephew are coming up, for some reason it never bothers me that she has a babay and I don't cos I love them both. Only thing is I am god mother at his christening on Sunday. Not the best week for that really is it?

Hey Nicola, have thought about you and was going to PM you. Hope your doing ok. Just think it only takes one embie, tis all a lottery, try not to panic, not that I follow that advice myself! I am glad you are getting a crack at it after it was postponed and you have had a difficult time, look at it that way lovely!
I wish you all best for ET. Let me know how you get on.


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Northy - glad you got some sleep!!!

Nic - I know 3 ladies recently who have bfps from one embie.  Northy is so right - it is a total lottery so try to keep    .  Let me kinow how you get on.  Big    

LuuLuu


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Hi Ladies 

Don't forget the *APR/MAY 2WW TESTERS ~ TTC with TX* thread...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=189315.525

Come and join everyone posting while they wait 

Love and luck   

*Lizzy* xxx​


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Is it ok to stay on here as well as am too slow to keep up with main thread!


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Northy - I will chat with ya!!!


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Bless ya! Am now obsessed with this site again. Can't seem to do owt else. Didn't go on it for 4 months and now is only thing that helps. plus dh works away so am on my own and is noone to stop me.You ok?

I feel tons better. Nice day with sis, bro (off work with broken leg) and bubba Then my boss came round with some work that has to be sent to exam board. I asked her too in case you think that was a mean thing to do. She hugged me on way in and out so I feel better,

Have gone on main thread just now and posted but I can never cope with messaging cos always feel you leave hundreds of people out when you post!


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Yep and think you are right - sometimes it can cause you more anxiety finding out other people's symptoms when you have none!!!


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Yeah tis like reading those health encyclopedias or going on internet about side effects to drugs. You think you ave them all. Not that I've done either of those things!


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Ha    .  I tell everyone not to symptom spot and here's silly me been googling if you can be pg with nothing but AF pains!!!

2ww is officially mind bending!!!


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## kittypops (Apr 30, 2009)

Hi Northy,

Just read your "IVF sending you mad" and totally agree. I see you haven't posted your result yet - I hope its cos your celebrating.   I'm a secondary school teacher too, also on my second IVF cycle due to test 9/05/09.  
I'm off for the 2 ww and extremely glad.  I could not go in and teach kids with my emotional ups and downs at present not to mention the exam stress. 
DH and I have decided not to tell our families about it which I was glad about last time as I could not have dealt with the tea and sympathy bit.  My best friend is 10 weeks preg after her first ICSI. I have confided in her both times and just hope to be joining her club on the 9th!

Hope you had a BFP

Kittypops x


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## sammy-snail (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi everyone
I havent posted on here for a quite a while and this is the first time during my own treatment but starting to feel like I need to talk to others who are in my boat.  I am due to test on friday 8th and as the day is getting closer it is seeming further away. I am currently trying to figure a way of making it come faster unfortunately i dont own a time machine.  I refuse to test early as the day is significant to us and feel it would be bad luck.  My test day is 16 days post transfer and I have read others get given less.
This is driving me around the bend! Have started the dreaded knicker watching as I had a couple of small traces of fresh blood 10dpt and 12dpt.  I have read most people get brown spotting.  Sorry bit graphic but I am really worried about it.  I am getting on and off AF pains too.

Sam X


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Morning

Northy- Hope evrything is ok hun   

Sammy and kitty- hiya, hope you are not going too mad.
I test on the 15th and it seems ages away.
Am symptom spotting, checking everytime i go to the loo.
Is driving me crazy.
do have very veiny sore (.)(.)s and they are massive too.

Take care 

nicola x x


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## sammy-snail (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi nicola
I had very sore and swollen (.)(.)s to start with and now they arent sore.  Its really hard because you think well it could be a good sign but probably the cyclogest and then when it stops you think its a bad sign cos surely if you were pg then they would be sore still.  I don't know its so hard.  My SIL was determined that when she fell pg with my latest nephew she wasn't expecting and then was, so I try to remember that you really cant tell.  Plus because of the hormones everything is all over the place anyway.  The only answer will be on friday for me!!  Oh I wish it would hurry up!!

Sam X


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Sam- bless ya. Are you doing anything to pass the time on.
I am back at work on friday, so will only have a week to go after that.
My clinic give otd 16 days after e/t.


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## sammy-snail (Jan 17, 2008)

I have kept busy but I am trying to rest up a bit more in last couple of days cos went to a wedding on sat and over did it!  The first week seems to have been easier, its staring to get harder now.  I was going back to work this week but I got signed off by the doc as I am a nursery nurse and its quite demanding physicallyand at the mo emotionally too!

Sam x


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## marshmallowT (Apr 29, 2009)

hi am new to ivf. I did one cycle last month and yip it has turned me in to a complete unsociable basketcase.I have not left the house for a month except when i need to, everyones opinion on IVF who have not done ivf has offended me, they are not entiltled to an opinion lol. cried at desperate housewifes on wed when Eadie died and its supposed to be a comedy. obsess about health, illness and IVF side effects and bought a pineapple yesterday as a statement of intent for my next IVF. the future is pineapple, brazil nuts and 1 lite of water per day cant do 2. getting my strength, sanity and humour back slowly. yep ivf definetley my new top stressor. 

Polly


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Polly- best of luck to you hun.

Sammy- Thuink you have to do what your body allows. Just chill for a bit now hun.
Feel quite down this afternoon.
A girl i know has had ivf and just found out she is having twins.
I am really happy for her.
Just would like it to be our turn to get good news 
Can't stop     now.


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## sammy-snail (Jan 17, 2008)

Nicola 
just read your post, it is a very difficult time I know.  We all wish others well especially if they too have been tormented with IF but it doesn't make our own journey easier.  Where we should draw positives we find negatives for our own cycles.  It can't be helped.  A friend of mine fell naturally with twins in her first attempt it felt like a double whammy when she had the scan and it was twins!  They are gorgeous though, 10mths old now!
Sam


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Big     to you all - it really is torture!!!


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## Guest (May 5, 2009)

I hope you don't mind but I tend to use this site to talk about my selfish feelings so that I don't have to tell them to anyone close to me. DP had a blood test today and we have to call tomorrow to see if she is ready to start stimming. She is so moody and tearful but is one of those people who bottles it all up. I am trying so hard to make her feel better and doing as much with DS to try and take the pressure. I am so stressed with it all too and it all seems so slow. I know DP is physically going through it all but I would also love it if someone would just ask me how I'm doing too! Selfish rant over - Thank you xx


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## fragile (Mar 6, 2006)

awww bless, i suppose the men are pretty much forgotten in all of this.  i expect my husband to apologies when im the one being a nut case and causing the arguments and dont really think that he stresses about it at all but, like you , he probably does.  feel free to rant any time.  im off to go ask DH if he is ok for a change! 

good luck to you & DP

x


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## Guest (May 9, 2009)

Hey Fragile - I'm a woman !!!


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## fragile (Mar 6, 2006)

oops!  sorry, awful assumption 

x


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## Guest (May 10, 2009)

I'll let you off


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## suzzie (Jul 24, 2008)

Help please ladies, am on 8det, and have a few heavy feeling down below every now and then. Is that good or bad? also no sporting of anykind whats so ever I am starting to worry that its already a BFN before I even tested. Does all who get a BFP get an implantation bleed?  Is it too late to have implantation bleed, I haven't had one yet.  
y OTD is 14May.     

Sorry about the me post getting really worried, been trying for 14yrs with no luck thinking its all for nothing again.

Love to all

XXXXX


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Just saw your message and the one on main thread. I had decided not to post again cos am no longer on 2WW. Don't torture yourself with symptoms cos your body is in chaos. I didn't have an implantation bleed (got bfp last Tues - new reasons to be scared!)  Only 30% of people do apparently. I couldn't make out what were symptoms and what were side effects of drugs. Neither can anyone else. I can see how much it means to you after 14yrs but I am really of the opinion that what will be will be and here's no way of telling anything on 2ww.

 

All the best,

Northy x


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## suzzie (Jul 24, 2008)

Northy, Thank you Hun,          you start to thinks all sorts after reading other posts in this      . I have been the same as you, I cant makeout which are symptoms and which are not. but one thin is certain I keep getting this horrid test like metal in my mouth, but saying that I always get that test before my AF. 

I think my imagination can play tricks on me sometimes        

wishing you a health and happy pregnancy.

So sorry to hear about all those with a        give yourself time to grieve and hopefully start again. maybe the next one will be the one for you.    

Love to all

XXXX


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