# Tips and advice for early days/weeks?



## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi Folks

I'm currently in the middle of intros and our 16 month old LO is due to move in on Monday. Would love to hear your words of wisdom on what worked (and anything that really didn't!) in terms of making this time as good as possible for LO. We're getting on super well with LO and intros are going well I think but I know that leaving his much loved FCs is likely to be tough for him. What are people's views on going out in the local community? Not meeting up with people but going to parks, cafes, swimming, etc? Not sure when to start that. And what about 'bad habits'? e.g. today, LO wanted to sit on my knee for his lunch rather than high chair and my instinct was to just go with that as the most important thing is that he feels comfortable. But will there be a time when I need to be firmer about routine etc?

Would love to hear your thoughts!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Go with it, your gut is already telling you that, and anything that builds that bond and gets him close to you is great. We broke a few bad habits straight away, such as falling asleep in front of the tv in a bouncy chair! But I think that's slightly different, haha! I wouldn't say they are bad habits at the moment, they are him exploring you and feeling safe, and you meeting his needs. I know from your post you already know that! Routine will come in time, for now do what feels right. 

As for the early days and weeks of placement it's a hard one. You are meant to go on lock down in theory yet it's a time you need your support network more than ever. Also you'll be having SW and HV visits etc and will want family to meet your boy first I'm sure. Walks to the park and 'accidental' bumping into family worked best for us. They were just another face, but they got to see little pink and watch her from a safe distance, we could also get away if it got too much. It never did. Don't drive yourself mad being stuck inside. After a few days we skyped my parents and then a week my mum and dad came round for a half hour cuppa and all was well. They didn't do any cares for her and allowed her to come to them on her terms. It was very natural.

Congratulations, I love following people's journeys xxx


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## Linz2608 (Jan 23, 2016)

I have to say we didn't follow the whole SW rules of being on lock down and no visitors coz like Lolly says you need your support network more than ever.  We followed what would have been our normal routine but worked it round our LO. Just make sure when you do visit family and friends that if anything needs done for your LO that you or your other half do it, as that helps you to bond. 
Follow you gut it's the best thing that you can do. 
Good luck but am sure you will be fine 
Xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We couldn't do the whole lockdown thing as it was Xmas 5 days after lo moved in and our parents would have been on their own. We felt it was less important as lo was only 6 months but when we were with family we kept it as short as we could. Xmas day for example I walked over to my parents so he fell asleep in the buggy. He then slept through lunch and we stayed for an hour after he woke. We did keep it to immediate family for about 3 weeks but we did go out in that time! Also we were the only ones to hold him, feed him, change him etc and certainly the "care" point of view carried on for a good few months.
Second what Lolly has said your gut is already telling you what you feel is right and any contact in the early days is good so don't push it away. We did the whole rock to sleep etc and still do to a certain extent. Lo can self settle now so we do have a cuddle for 10 minutes until he's almost asleep then put him in the cot. If he wakes during the night though he won't and has to be cuddled until he's asleep again. That's fine, he obviously needs that security so who am I to deny him that. He's certainly not going to want me rocking him to sleep when he's 13 so what does it matter. When he's ready that will be ok. I gave to say I'd feel exactly like that with a birth child too though. He's only 19 months so not at the small child playing games stage yet!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Like Lolly we did a bit of bumping into people in the park - more than we intended as it happens as a group of school mums were having a picnic! I took him in the carrier so people had a peak but couldn't get in his face. 

That is another recommendation although am sure others have alredy said it - carriers are great in those early days - in fact I did pretty much all the housework with him in the carrier as well as school runs etc. Our LO was quite at ease with us during intros but once we were home he was very hard to comfort when upset - he clearly just wanted FC so keep reminding yourself he barely knows you.

Also - give up on worrying about a clean house for now - you have more important things to do 😄

Good luck and enjoy.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

We had full intentions of lockdown until we actually met lo and spoke to fc. She was used to a busy house and being around people and other kids so we went with fc's advice with our sw's blessing and she was introduced to our families the week after she came home. It was just a short visit but the right thing to do for lo. As lolly says go with your gut and you'll be great xxx


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Unfortunately my mum and my partner's parents live at the other end of the country. They had to book to come up as they won't be staying with us and we erred on the side of caution and they won't be here til March! And partner's parents are coming first. Going to stay somewhere nearby for three nights and visit during the days. My mum will do the same a few days later. When my sister's babies were born my mum went to stay with her straight away after the birth for a week or so to help out.   Probably best that they're coming later as it'll hopefully mean he's settled enough to have visitors for a few hours at a time rather than a 20 min fly by. But I so wish my mum lived closer. I'll also feel a bit guilty about our parents if we introduce him to other people first. But I'll go stir crazy if I don't see anyone til March so may just have to do that and not tell the parents!


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Aw Ciacox it's just another one of those losses that we have to deal with in adoption that we don't get all that lovely honeymoon period with a new baby and friends and family helping and celebrating etc. It's sad but we get our precious very special lo's instead. 
Hope intros go quickly for you and lo is soon home so you can start your lives as a new family, exciting times!


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

So excited for you!
Our DD was almost 16m at intros, we went out and about pretty much straight away. DH was back at work the day after she came home and I would have gone crazy staying home alone. We just never told the sw what we really used to do daily haha.
I feel it strengthened my relationship with DD to get out and about, lots of parent facing time in the pushchair, and after a few days we met family (just a couple of people for small amounts of time) and she would run to me for assurance if she needed any, which was just gorgeous that she saw me a safety blanket after such a small amount of time.

I wouldn't worry about any "bad habits" - ignore those who say "you're making a rod for your own back" "don't start it" etc you'll know what is best, and he won't want to sit on your knee to eat when he is 20 😂

Our foster carers told us to just get on with our "normal" life as she was used to lots of comings and goings, kids here one minute gone the next, hustle and bustle etc.  

You're getting him at such a wonderful age, my little munchkin is currently laid next to me snuffling away and muttering about quavers in her sleep haha. 

Much luck X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Such a wonderful time!

Bug was 2 when he came home, and we went and met my Mum for a lunch halfway between us and her (she lived three hours away) at a neutral location which worked well.  She saved our life when we couldn't get him back into the car seat, and she handed him a party blower.... LOL!  We spent two hours in the car with him going, PAAAAARP, "SURPRISE!" but we were so happy he was happy it was hilarious!  

About a couple of months after he came home, Mum came to stay.  He was very hyper-alert, over-anxious and couldn't shut his mind down in order to sleep.  It turned out, after a few chats, that he thought he would be going with her when she went.  This is in the context of us telling him frequently that this was his home, that we were his mummy and daddy forever and ever.

So, in short, I'm pretty in favour of the lock-down approach, on the grounds that you get one shot at this first few months of getting the foundations in right for good attachment in the future (remembering that attachment takes months, not weeks) and that family can wait.   But I do know that it's different for each child, for different ages, for different families and needs and I am NOT criticising anyone.    I love you all, and we're ALL doing an AWESOME job.  

So.  Anyway.  When to worry about bad habits?  Oh, when he's sixteen or so.....   Many things we've done that would have been called a bad habit by HVs or intefering mums have naturally drifted away as he's settled and grown more secure.  

Remember you are rebuilding bricks of attachment and development that LO has missed out on.  Babying is fine, in fact it's encouraged.  In the immortal wise words of Wyxie, "think baby, think baby...."  

Trust your instincts.  Build the bond.  

I'm sure there was an excellent thread somewhere about top tips for new adoptive mummies... will go in search.

I seem to remember my top ten had a lot to do with caffeine. 

Remember...put your own oxygen mask on first.    In other words, unless you're looked after, you can't look after them.  Take.  Care.  Of.  Yourself.

((((happy hugs))))


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=311773.msg5576644#msg5576644

This was my contribution back then... still rings true to me! 

"1) Protect your back. Small babies come light and get heavier slowly, as your muscles accommodate that change. Older babies and toddlers come heavy straight away. I hurt my back in intros, and it didn't heal until I went back to work, because I re-tore it every time I changed a nappy/bent over to chase a face round the room and wash it!  Spot the movements that are risky - for me it was bending and then reaching out to a distance - and minimise them as much as you can. And then take ibuprofen....

2) Plan your meals. Pre-child, I always hated writing up what we were going to eat ahead of time, prefering to wing it and think about what I 'fancied'. With me gluten free, DH with his own preferencs, and a fussy eating toddler, that just isn't possible. A weekly menu, written out on a Sunday, keeps me sane. And 2b) Batch cook and freeze when DH is having his quality time with little 'un.

3) Use. Free. Childcare. I know, I know, you've waited and hurt and worked years and years to have YOUR child in YOUR arms, there's no way you're going to hand them over to someone else! I said that, too. With hindsight, if our gorgeous boy had been going to a nursery once a week from quite early on, we would all have done better. One of the most liberating things for HIM has been learning that he can let us out of his sight AND WE WILL ALWAYS COME BACK FOR HIM. He's blossomed in the social context, too. And the day after his first full day at a childminder, he woke up, looked me in the eye and said, "big boys don't hit Mummy. I not hit Mummy anymore." How I didn't sob all over him, I will never know!  So proud. (And some childminders can deliver the Early Years programme, so are eligible for 2 year old and 3 year old free childcare funding.)

4) Find out what gets you through the day, and make it happen. For me, it was the simple idea of making iced coffee and iced tea and putting a jug in the fridge. Thus instant caffeine, on those days when I just wasn't going to get to make a cup of tea or coffee and drink it. Chocolate's good, too. 

5) If it's not working, change it. We get hung up on routines (which are good things!) and patterns sometimes. I got stuck in loggerheads with a two year old who was not interested in tooth brushing and face washing, and the bathroom became a battleground. We bought another toothbrush and toothpaste, and moved the morning routine into the living room with the help of Saint CeeBeebies. Instantly, we got good mornings back.

6) Get outside, whatever the weather. Invest in some good outdoor gear and go outside and splash in puddles, collect leaves, throw sticks, hunt for elves in the hedgerows and parks. The impact of fresh air and exercise on everyone's mood is astonishing.

7) You don't have to do it all at once. I fell into the trap of looking at my adoption leave as the time I had to do everything with him. Actually, we've got the rest of my life. 

 Abandon Pride All Ye Who Enter Here. Oh yeah, I wasn't going to use childcare. I wasn't going to feed him Disney things out of tins. He wasn't going to have lots of telly. I certainly wasn't going to let him eat junk food.... Who did I think I was? *eyeroll* Don't set out to be this sketchy idea of SuperMum. SuperMum is belly laughs and mess and soul-healing cuddles. Anything more is a bonus.  Give yourself a break and don't feel guilty if the only way he naps is on the sofa in front of Toy Story. 

9) Remember you are Remarkable. You set out to start/complete your family by giving hope, love and a future to a child who was hurt. You are amazing! You're wonderful! No amount of Bad Mummy Days (and they do happen) will change that. You are a cut above, and don't you EVER forget it.

10) In spite of all the above, you will feel horribly, gut-wrenchingly guilty if you wake up one morning for another day of mumming a grieving, angry, hurt child on little or no sleep and a support network that appears to have emigrated over night and suddenly realise you are not looking forward to the day, and you're not enjoying yourself. It's okay. I am holding your hand right now, sitting beside you on the sofa telling you this: "it's okay. It's natural to feel like this. Nobody said you had to love every second of every day. There are hard times and there are wonderful times, and before long the wonderful will wildly outnumber the hard times and you'll forget what the hard times felt like. Yes, you're not enjoying this right now. You're only human. But you can do this, you can and you will. And soon you will have more joy in your life that you know how to handle. Oh, and call your friend and say you need a hand. And call your DH and tell him hes' cooking/bringing home tea."

(I agree with whoever said reclaiming your house/space! We haven't cracked that one yet, but I REALLY need to have some tidy space again!)

(And google Parenting With Crappy Pictures. It's all true.  )"


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Thanks so much everyone for all your ideas. Will check out that thread too. AoC yours made me cry! Under slept,  emotional, ?hormonal (there must be some hormonal reactions to this whole thing!)


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

👍 fab post AoC x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

great post AofC  
You'll know whats right for little one..as long as they are happy and blossoming go for it. Just make sure no one else does their intimate care, even wiping a nose, they are all mummy/daddyjobs!!

we went out and about straight away to parks etc..LO was 19 months and bundle of energy. we did the 'accidentally' bumping into people thing too..but we didnt have anyone over to the house for a good month..we wanted home to be just us. Luckily LO was incredibly happy and up for anything, she was an utter joy she took everything in her stride with bells on. Hell, we even went off to the beach for the day a week into placement and came home late to a note through the door from LO's SW who'd come by for her booked in statutory visit oops..we'd all been having such a lovely week we'd forgotten!

kj x


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