# So desperately want another one



## emotional (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing well.

I feel like I need to write down how I'm feeling and share with those I know will understand.
We have a gorgeous little boy who is now 4 from ICSI treatment and we are so so very lucky to have him. We decided (after not preventing another iykwim) since he was born that we clearly need ICSI again to have another. My husbands sperm is our issue. 0% morphology despite good count and borderline motility. We had our second fresh round of ICSI in August and we so very lucky to conceive again - it felt too good to be true and it was 😰. Despite 6w and 9w scans looking great, we lost our much wanted baby at 12 weeks. Devastated doesn't even seem to come close to describing how I feel. I can't quite get my head around it all and although I have brief moments where I feel hopeful, I then find I am feeling so low again and panicking it will never truly happen for us. I'm not sure how I will deal with that; I don't feel strong enough. My his bag keeps telling me to give it time (it's only been 3 weeks) but I just can't seem to get over it. 

I know I am so very lucky and truly blessed to have my little boy and I'm sick of people saying to me "you always have him". Of course I know I do! But how does that stop me wanting to complete our family? How am I wrong for wanting another? I feel I won't be complete until I have another and since the mmc this need feeling has grown stronger. 

I had an ERPC as our angel stopped growing at 9w 2days but my body hadn't miscarried 3 weeks later. I didn't want to wait for it to happen for risks of infection etc and truly I just needed the physical to be over so I could deal with the emotional. It went with no complications and before doing it I rang my fertility clinic to check it wold be ok for trying again and they said it would but now, no matter how many professionals I talk to I can't stop panicking that it may have been the wrong decision and I shouldn't have taken any risks. There's no easy way to miscarry buy now I just worry I made the wrong call in my emotional, stressed, devastated state. I found the ERPC procedure fine but it's the worry now. I have no reason to worry in that I have to symptoms, signs of any problems but I just can't help myself. 

I just don't want anything to cause problems for having another baby. Thank you to all you lovely ladies for reading and listening. It helps to get it out and "speak" to those who understand when sometimes you feel like a crazy person. 

Lots of love and baby wishes to you all xxx


----------



## Toad76 (Feb 9, 2013)

Hi,

It's really ok to feel like that. I feel the same. I have a 21 month old gorgeous boy by IVF and he's everything we ever wanted. We had just agreed we would try again as we want another baby in our lives, when against all the odds I found out I was pregnant naturally. You can imagine how happy we were and relieved not to have to go through treatment again, but we lost our baby at 6 weeks. 

Somehow it seems so cruel that anyone in our position should have to suffer the loss of a pregnancy when it's all you want and all you think about. It's been 5 weeks since it happened, and I'm the same. One day I'm positive and resigned to what has happened, the next I feel heart broken and cry. 

I can't face treatment, but I'm 40 so I don't have the luxury of time to wait either. 

It's so hard and like you say people mean well but hearing how lucky we are to have a son or that miscarriage is so common doesn't help and sadly they don't understand when you have fertility problems it's just not that easy to try again. In fact for me, a glimmer of hope, makes it worse somehow. 

Thank you for putting it down in writing how you feel, it helps to know you aren't alone. 

I really hope the pain of loss gets easier for you over time and you get your wish to complete your family.  

Xx


----------

