# Looking for people who have used dead partners sperm to concieve



## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone, I desperately need help with this. My partner and I were going through the IVF process and had our first few appointments, all the consent forms were signed. The reason we were doing it is that my partner had cancer and had to save his sperm, I have no known fertility issues. He has since passed away and now I need information from anyone who has gone through the process after their partner has passed away. I am also having trouble where the NHS who said they would fund it previously are now saying they won't and I would really struggle to finance this myself. If anyone can help me I would really appreciate it, info on getting funding would also be appreciated. 
Thanks
J


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi there Jroc,

So, so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner.  There are several girls, sadly, in the same shoes on here and I'm sure they will be alone shortly to post.  I have read on here (from the Daily Mail   so it must be true   ) that singles can get fertility treatment if they have fertility issues.  It seems weird to me that the NHS said yes and then no.  Did they give a reason?  

Take care,
Diesy


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## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks for your reply Diesy. Me and my partner had started the process, we had been for the first few appointments and signed all the consents and everything, it was to be funded on the NHS as he had cancer/chemo etc. Then he suddenly took a turn for the worst and passed away before I could start the initial treatment. I went and saw them about it and they told me they will not fund it now as I was a 'single' person and they won't fund single people. I would have thought this would be an exception to the rule to be honest. It's putting me in a position, I am 36 this year and not interested in looking for someone new and probably won't be till It is too late for me to have family of my own. I don't really want to have to put my life on hold just because they said no either. I am in a really difficult position because financially it would be hard for me to pay for this.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Jorc - I think you're doing the right thing going for it now. It's what you planned with your partner and it would be a joyful thing for you to focus on and be able to follow through. Sending lots of these wee guys      to help you fulfil that dream.

The NHS and the single girl, I despair! This is the article I'm thinking of but I think everyone on the singles thread has had to pay. That's why a lot of us go aboard but because you don't have to pay the pregnancy slot I'm not sure it would make a huge difference for you. Can you shop around for clinics? My local is extortionate.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2052694/IVF-Single-women-3k-fertility-treatment-free-couples-forced-pay.html

It appears particularly heartless of the NHS to do an about turn! Particularly in the established circumstances. I would start kicking up a fuss. I'd maybe write to your local MP and see if you can get them on side. I can't think of anyone else off the top of my head. I'd also get back to the IVF department you were dealing with and find out their policy on single women with established fertility issues.

It's worth a shot. More resourceful types will be along soon 

/links


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## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks Deisy, I wonder if my problem would be that I don't have any known fertility issues. I'm not too sure. I just want to use the sperm and not have to pay to use it. Arghh. It's a nightmare. I feel it's discrimination considering the circumstances that we had started the process already.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Opps, sorry I read that bit wrong.    Ignore all that then, that's excellent you don't think you have any issues   Have you had any fertility tests done?  Usually it's a good idea to get Fsh and 21 day progesterone and AMH if you can afford it.  Although if not the first two will give you a good idea and they will be free, ask your GP.  A scan is also a good idea.  I had my scan and my AMH done together, it was around £180 I think, but a scan should be around £80 and give you an idea of follies in the ovaries.  You might consider asking your GP to send you for a hysteroscopy to check your tubes are clear.  Fertility tx is so expensive it's good to be forewarned.  All being well you could try an IUI which is infinitely cheaper.  Look into a medicated or unmedicated  IUI with scans and trigger.  

Hope that helps and I haven't got you reaching for the gin.  It's not as complicated as it first seems.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Jroc,

so sorry to hear of your loss   

not sure if there are any posters here on the singlies board in your exact position...there's definitely one person here on FF though - she's had 2 little ones...but I just can't remember her name    think she might have been on the Reprofit threads with me at some point in time
will try to remember and let you know but suggest you also post on a more general board to see if anyone can help

in my very limited experience, PCT's are very tight with IVF funding and you may well end up in a protracted legal battle to get funding if you try and appeal. may be worth posting on the ask a lawyer board and/or contacting Natalie Gambert (lawyer who works closely with FF and specialises in fertility issues) to see if you have a case

Suitcase
x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

JRoc, there was a single woman in Wales undergoing tx with her partner's sperm following his death - I believe her initial tx at least was paid for by the NHS but can't be sure.  If I can find her details, I will point you in the right direction - it will be some time later tonight though as I have small people and we are at witching hour in our house!


A-Mx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Eureka - the lady you need to speak to is BlueSkye1983 - she appealed and got funding for three cycles of IVF following her partner's death. Sadly, she doesn't seem to have been successful with her tx but why don't you try to send her a PM (personal message) and ask about her funding experience? You can see her tx history on the following thread, and if you go back and check her prior posts I seem to recall she wrote quite a bit about her experience in Wales: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=207288.12

Hope that helps!

A-Mx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi,

There's also a lady called Sasha B (If memory serves me right).  Not sure of circumstances, but her DH passed away and she went on to have a daughter and a son.

Best of luck and so sorry to hear about your situation.

Hugs Dee


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Ooh thats it, I was thinking of Sasha. Thanks Dee


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

So sorry to hear of your loss. I would go through your GP as they can ask for an appeal and have your case considered by a specialist panel for funding consideration.  I take it that the clinic are happy for you to use the sperm as I always had the form sign to give consent to use if anything happened to my KD.

Good Luck


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## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi Jroc, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. I am only starting to look at the whole IVF thing, but I do know that your PCT *should* have something called the Exceptional Circumstances Committee for IVF, and if they do, you may be able to appeal to them. I don't know how easy it will be to find if it exists or how to apply. I hope your GP will be able to help. Another thing to bear in mind is to make sure you have the legal right to use his sperm, which is a different issue to paying for the IVF treatment. Another thought occurs that I think there are alternatives to the 'full whack' IVF - soft IVF, IUI etc., which may be cheaper if you do find yourself having to fund treatment. All the best and again, I am so sorry for your loss.

M


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## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks all for your replies! that's a great start for me. My partner signed all the consents in the Nhs hospital but the other thing that could be an issue is then going to another clinic for treatment as the one I emailed for info said we both need to sign new consents. I didn't explain the full situation to them... I don't see why I would need new consents done when I already have them so who knows what i'll do. If I had to pay i'd rather use this other clinic as it has much higher success rates. It's all a bit of a nightmare really because I would only be able to pay for one go or get into a load of debt.


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi Joc, I am in exactly the same position expect that I don't have permission to use dh's sperm.  I am funding a cycle myself using the pension money while trying to get myself put back on the NHS waiting list because of my fertility problems.  I'll write more later.


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## Marra (Nov 30, 2010)

hello Jroc, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I was in a similar situation - started a course of 6 IUI treatments with my partner who then passed away after treatment 1, then the NHS said they couldn't fund me any more as I was now a single woman. I appealed their decision, first of all on the grounds that they should fund single women who are for many reasons in need of fertility treatment, but this didn't work at all, so I had to continue to appeal saying that I was a unique case as a bereaved person for whom they had already agreed funding when i was part of a couple. It took a long time (about a year) but eventually they agreed to carry on with my NHS funding. I had to go to the NHS clinic - the funding wouldn't have applied at a private clinic. I would advise you do make a special case that you are bereaved rather than focusing on being single - it seems very unfair but they can turn you down as a single person by saying they can only fund people with fertility problems.

I also wrote to my MP who was a great support and also sent letters to my NHS trust - I think this really helped my case.

Happy to pm you more details if that helps.

Wishing you all the very best
Marra
xx


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## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi Jroc, So sorry for your loss. I stumbled across this thread and felt appalled by the NHS's response. Was suggesting going down the route as Marra described.
I shall be thinking of you as the loss of you partner and the future your had hoped for is hard enough to deal with. You shouldn't need to jump such hurdles as well.

All the best!


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## Sasha B (Jan 24, 2005)

Hi Jroc,


I know we have PM'd a few times but I was just wondering how you are getting on. It's so unfair that after all the loss that we have been through, that we still have to fight tooth and nail on top of that to realize the dream of the family that we shared with our other halves. It's still early days for you in the grieving process so just be aware that the challenges of trying to fight the NHS may further add to the heavy load of grief that you are under. I talk from experience, except my battle was with the HFEA (long story). I think writing to my MP helped as well. Please also know that FF is a fantastic place to receive all the help but more importantly support that you need. I have made friends for life through FF because we have supported each other through the lows as well as the highs (which hopefully we can also do one day in the future with you). Please let me know if I can help in any other way. 


Love,


Sasha xxx


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## Sasha B (Jan 24, 2005)

Marra and Silverbird,,


I also wanted to say a special hello to you. My heart drops into my stomach every time I meet or hear of another young widow. I am so very sorry that both of you have had to go through this incredibly painful grief. I want to wish you both all the very best in your journey to be able to have the family that you and your husband / partner so desired and if I can help or support you in any way then please feel free to PM me.


Love,


Sasha xxx


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## Marra (Nov 30, 2010)

Thanks so much Sasha. Hugs to you as well; I'm also very sorry you've had this experience too, but wonderful to hear you now have 2 lovely children   

Jroc, hope you are managing to make some progress with deciding what to do about your appeal.

Marra
xxx


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## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi everyone, i've not been on here for a while. 

Sasha, I tried to PM you back but your mailbox is full. 

I've not done anything yet but know I need to get my finger out. I know I need to write a letter to appeal but I don't even know where to start, I think the frame of mind I am in just now it would sound like a sob story begging letter. Thanks for all your support. Writing to my mp would be good too but again I just can't think of the words to write. It's maybe too soon but I know I need to get this ball rolling, I don't want to leave it too late. 

Speak to you all soon I hope. 

Jules. xx


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Sasha: Thanks for thinking of me.  I've really enjoyed meeting people in a similar siutation here.  Sometime I feel so differnet from other widows and from other SMC but it's good to know there are others out there.

Joc: I don't know how recent your loss is but be good to yourself.  If you have no fertility problems why the rush? The sperm will stay frozen.


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## Jroc (Aug 8, 2011)

Hey, it's been 12 weeks. I need to sort this out though because I can't afford to pay for it. That's the worry. At a push I could afford one try but if that didn't work I would be stuck and more upset. I just need to try and get this funding thing appealed for then at least I know where I am at. 
Jules


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Sure you'll feel better when you know where you are but be gentle with your self, fighting the NHS is so hard when your not newly widowed.   12 weeks is so soon.  I'm thinking of you.

Silverbird


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

As one of the other ladies has said there is such a thing as Exceptionality funding committee, i belive that every pct has one.  But unsure how you would apply for it because as we all know receiving ivf funding is basicaly based on if you "tick every box" or not.  Eg correct age, weight etc etc.

Exceptionality funding is different, the people who make funding disisions sit around and discuss each individual case, eg i have applied for exceptional funding due to needing pgd as it was found out last year that i have a chromazone issue.  Ivf does not come under exceptionality funding, but your individual case may do.  You will struggle to fight the pct by yourself, you need to try and get someone at your fertility clinic to fight it for you.  They should have the correct paperwork to fill out and know how the process works.  Fertility is very specialised so i would tbh avoid using your gp as its really not what they specialise in!

Also call your local pct and discuss your situation and ask their advise.  xxxxx


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## Sasha B (Jan 24, 2005)

Jules,

I have PM'd you.

Sasha xxx


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

I've just got a letter from IVF Wales to say they will be taking my case to a heads of department meeting on 22 feb because of my expetional circumstances! Totally out of left field so we'll see what happens from that.


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