# Help me face up to reality



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Quick recap: dh's best friend has met a woman (same age as me) and she got preggo really easily. She's now about 25 weeks and I haven't been able to speak to her or see them socially since I found out. Now ladies - you've got to help me because I have got to sort this out. And I don't know how to go about it. Part of me just doesn't want to see her with her great fat bump but I know that sooner or later I've got to face her. I had a nightmare the other night that I was at an award ceremony and all my friends were there and I was giving a speech - then I saw her at the back of the hall, smirking, and I dried up. I could only croak like a toad. I started to panic and I couldn't breathe. It was horrible.
It's really eating away at me. I feel cursed.
Bernie


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## J-Mo (Feb 23, 2007)

Im so sorry you feel this way. I do know how you feel as Ive felt the same way in the past.

Do you have anyone to talk to about it? I find that talking really helps. What about counselling to help you with your feelings.
It sounds as though you've built it up so much in your mind that now you cant face seeing her at all. But if you did and just got it out of the way, it would make you feel so much better.

Do these friends know of your efforts in ttc? Maybe it would be good for your partner to warn his friend?

Jen x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

This is a difficult one for me to respond to but I did not want to read and run. I have not had the same sad experiences as you have so could not possibly understand how you feel but I do agree that perhaps you have made the thought bigger than reality may be. I'm afraid the only way you are going to find out is if you see this lady on neutral territory, say a meal out as couples. Keeping it to just a few hours and travel separately. Once you have jumped over that initial hurdle you will know where to go from there but for now you are giving your fears too much power, try not to let the stress get to you too much and be kind to yourself. You have been through enough.

Take care
Yx


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## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Im not sure if I can be of any help here, I had a similar experience with a former close friend who go pg very easily and whom I last saw when she was 20 week pg, that was almost a year ago, I have not spoken to her since, the pain of seeing her with a huge bump was too much to bear for me and unfortunately she really did not want to attempt to try and understand my pain despite her having seen me going through treatment after treatment, she turned her back on me and to this day I know that our friendship will never be rekindled;  it hurts really badly when I hear about her through dh's friends ie that she is a "happy mother".  Perhaps if I had had the "courage" to face up to her when she was pg things would have been very different now  however my state of mind at that time was not (and still is not) conducive to pg women! so who knows  The only advice I can give is that the longer you leave it the harder it will be to meet the person however dont push yourself/feel pressurised to meet her until your feel ready emotionally, does she/ your dh's best friend know of your ttc journey? 

Meerkatz


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## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Hi Bernie,
Just thought I would send a wee note, we all know it is extremely difficult to face family and friends who are lucky to have children and I can only go on my own experiences of recent. I hide my feelings too well the result is people think i don't care so they become insensitive towards me. My friend and sister both had children last year and I dont visit often, I ache so much to have a child but dont let on, but when i do see the kids those five moments of holding them are ace and hard, I couldnt push them away but I dont want to get too close as I clung to my other sisters children being their favourite auntie I even took them abroad on holiday and now they are in their late teens they dont bother with me and that really hurts so I wont get that close again. I also had to suffer my boss whingin with every ache durin her preg and I was desperate for it to be me. And she is still moanin now she has him. But thats life   we have to be stronger, its not easy,I keep having dark days but just keep prayin each day will get better.   
Best wishes
Love from Suxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for your words of support. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this as either I have already talked it to death or they wouldn't be the right sort of person. DH won't talk to me about it - he wants me to get on with this couple as the bloke is his best friend of 20 years! 
As for knowing about out ttc trouubles - well the bloke knows all about it as he is a very close friend of ours. I get on with him very well. But the woman is new on the scene, so to speak. They have only been together a year, so what she knows about all our troubles has been learned from being told. When I was telling her about Grace she didn't seem to be listening. I don't think she took it in really. And to be fair I hardly know her, so why should she? And you know what men are like - so my husband's friend has probably never really talked about it to her. Though he knows the huge pain it has been in our lives.
So it is a complicated situation. DH asked me why I can handle some friends getting pregnant and not others - it is a good question and I've given it some thought. Two cases really stand out where I couldn't 'get over it'. One is a very old friend who was pregnant when I was pg with Grace. She had her child a month before Grace would have been due - and it would have to be a girl, wouldn't it? Well I couldn't face seeing her because it would remind me if what Grace would have been like. Plus this friend sent me the baby's birth announcement with my birthday card - what the  So, no - I couldn't go see that friend - and it's been four years and I still cannot face her. And the second case is this current one. And I reckon the crux of it this time is that she is 42, same age as me. She got preggo in the blink of an eye. I can't. So again - it is showing me what I can't have.
But maybe I should be kinder on myself. Two out of several (nearly all our friends have children), is not too bad. THis one is just difficult cos it's dh's best friend and I know I've got to deal with it.
Bernie xxx


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## Tandi (Mar 11, 2008)

Hi Bernie,

I hope you don't mind me butting in, but I know your dilemma so well I just had to respond. I have lost touch with close friends including my own god daughter over exactly this problem. I feel guilty about it, don't want to be like this, but also can't bear it. Sometimes I just wish there were no babies in the whole world, then maybe my pain would stop  

Someone gave me some good advice recently - don't torture yourself. Be gentle. You're allowed to protect yourself. 

But sometimes you also have to pick some cases and deal with them, either because they're important to you (my sister's bump and bouncing baby are unavoidable for example), or because they're important to someone else who is important to you (my new partners' daughter with his ex is slowly becoming part of my life and I'm green with envy but have to face her). And maybe this is one which is important enough for your DH that you have to face it. 

My experience is that when you need to face a pregnant friend / baby there's nothing to do but be honest. Don't put on too much armour and carry all the pain yourself. Meet up with them, cry, make a fool of yourself, tell them that you know there's no logic but it's just horrible. Tell them that everytime you see them, your baby is lost all over again. If they're good friends they will share your pain even if they can't understand it and each time you see them things will get easier. If they can't / don't, then don't torture yourself - send DH out socialising and make another plan to keep yourself content. You are important and precious and entitled to comfort.
With  
Tandi x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie, I wish I could offer some pearls of wisdom to you, but I'm struggling.

I had to deal with this recently when a friend the same age as me (40) got pregnant quickly after meeting her new partner. Never mind she already had kids, or that she smoked, drank, did everything that you really shouldn't do in pregnancy - I think it was the parallels that got to me too - her first 2  children are the same age mine would have been, and her becoming preggers started a huge influx of mutual friends telling me if she had managed it I could too - argh! 

My friend knows how hard this rollercoaster ride has been for me, I love her to bits and I don't want what I have been through to put our friendship through the mangle. I gently took some time out - perhaps thats what you need to do here with this lady.

Upon taking my time out I ranted to my DH about how unfair the universe was, and how it seemed every pal of mine 40 or 40+ was able to procreate successfully... I think I needed to get all of this angst out of my system, to be honest it surprised me how many old emotions came flooding back too!

Its at times like this we have to just keep swimming... just keep swimming... and realise that those with whom we have this mixed up plethora of feelings for are more than likely barely unaware of what lies beneath because we're all so bloody darn fabulous at hiding how much these things really hurt!

Tandi, your message made a lot of sense to me too, hello to you from me  

Love
Emcee xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

It's amazing how some people getting pregnant can effect us more than others isnt it?

I am fine with my friends who were either pg or with young babies when we were just starting out on our tx journey but 2 years into it I lost touch with a really good friend (who I had told intimate things to over the years) when she announced she was pregnant more or less from her honeymoon!  Which we had been trying to be!!! I spoke to her when she was 5 mths but couldnt bare to see her. One day I saw her at the cemetery for the blessing of the graves- I was suffering panic attacks at this time and ran out at the end so that I wouldnt have to face her!! About 2 years later I thought i might try and see her and the child (now 18 mths) as we were in between nhs and private waiting lists but just as i had gathered the courage I heard she was pregnant agian!!!! 

Her kids are now nearly 6 and 3 - the youngest one was very ill there for a year with some rare form of childhood cancer. I finally got in touch with her again by text and saw her in November at a fundraising night.That took me 6 years! Sadly i know we will never be as close again.

I have another friend who is just starting icsi and although i will be happy for her if she gets pg it will still hurt. The same applies when my sisters make announcements. I KNOW I will find it so hard to see them but I will probably be asked to be Godmother.This is even worse as I am the oldest. 

Just see how you feel- if it is really too nard for you get dh to explain it to his friend. It is his friend afterall. I missed a few christenings also of dh's nieces kids while we were doing tx. I felt bad making him go alone but i really couldnt cope at that particular time.He didnt like going alone but i told him it was either me not going or else me crying and embarrassing him !!! Since he is very private the latter had the desired effect! 

Take care,let us know what you decide xxxx


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## potluck (Feb 12, 2008)

Dear Bernie

I hope you dont mind me adding my thoughts ,i'm so sorry for what you have been through.The way I see it is it's like self preservation ! sometimes the pain & ache is so unbearable ,if you shut yourself in a bubble & not face that fear then it cant touch you. It hurts so much when people dont realise the heartache your giong through,[quote au
When I was telling her about Grace she didn't seem to be listening. I don't think she took it in really. And to be fair I hardly know her, so why should she? 
[/quote]

My sil will be having her" third child "in 3 years v soon ,& this time I have made up my mind I will not put my self through that pain &  again ,I cried so much when I held the last baby, & explained how hard IF is. Not once has she ever phoned & asked how we are every time we go for tx & each time shes pregnant we get told 4 months down the line by another family member .You know ,were not stupid ,people cant stop having babies because we have IF, but I just wish they would face up & acknowledge us too!.................. all we want is some comfort & understanding .

I lost my bf through IF too ,i'd allways been there for her but when I needed that shoulder she just said to me how long are you going to put yourself through this . She sends me christmas cards saying I really miss you i'd love you to get in touch, why cant she realise that it' s her who needs to ..............(she has 2 children)

What i'm trying to say is if you need to protect yourself go ahead ..................... but if you can, try & face that fear & you might be surprised "some "people may be able to offer you that comfort & only if they do !carry on .

I'm sorry if I rambled on & on but I just wanted you to know that we care, even if we dont know you & to give you a  look after yourself

mistygirl xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for sharing some of your experiences - it seems I am not alone in this struggle. And it IS really odd how one pg afects me so personally and others I can cope with (although every announcement brings with it a pang of grief). I want to be in the real world with an open heart. And you made a good point, mistygirl. Since I hardly know this woman, I don't know how she is going to deal with the situation - it could be that she is really understanding about it all. By avoiding her I am not giving her the chance to 'do the right thing'. I am judging her based on my own fears.
So I think what I will do is not force things. I'll leave it for now, but if dh suggests a meeet up (in a casual setting) I will go - see what happens. Otherwise I will leave it until she's had the baby (I think her actually being preggo is the most difficult part for me right now), then I will force myself to go see her. 
Bernie xxx


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