# Co-parenting or continuing alone???



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Hi girls

My head is in a spin about what tx to do next and where to go.  Step up to IVF? Go back to reprofit?  Try and find the money for a go at Create here and do natural/mild ivf?  Then a friend i was with last night said why didn't i think about finding a gay man/couple or a straight donor then at least i would have some financial and practical support cos going it alone would be so tough....she was saying that even when there's two parents it's exhausting and stressful.  I know we've all thought about this otherwise we wouldn't be marching on with tx but the thought of coping alone does worry me sometimes.  When i originally thought about having to do this with a partner i did think about the co-parenting route but talked myself out of it and thought having no one else to answer too would be much less complicated.  I really don't know what to think or what to do at the moment  

I would be interested in anyone's thoughts about this cos obviously there are pros and cons.  I'd also be interested in anyone who has done it and how you went about it?  I saw a poster a few weeks ago in a local pub which is mainly gay for a site called pride angel and part of me thought there was a reason why i'd seen it....

GG x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

GG- Co-parenting is very difficult but an be v successful. I had considered it and I have a gay friend who is co-parenting with a f/f/ couple and they have just had a baby. But the logistics are also complex- financial, parenting ideas, practical (they are intending to share the child 50-50 over the week when she is no longer breast fed. There are course I think pinkparents run some about co-parenting. Don't for the legal side of things, maybe pm Natalie Gamble or post on the legal thread.

If you have a straight donor there is no financial input.

Personally I have a known donor I would not go down a co-parenting route myself.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=123942.0
Check out this thread from a while ago it may help, some of the LGBT ffers have co-parented others on here have considered it

L x


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Thanks JJ

So with your KD are they not expecting to co-parent in any way then, they're just donating and leaving it at that?  Was your KD someone you already knew or did you find them somehow?

I don't really understand what you mean when you say that with a straight donor there is no financial input   ?  does it not depend on what you and whoever you are working with agree on?  If you decide to 'co-parent' then does it all have to be legally agreed/drawn up then?

GG x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

My KD and his partner are involved in terms of emotional support, not financial, and have and are with me all the way, they are not going to co-parent in any legal sense or on a formal level, which is what you would be entering into with a co-parenting agreement and like my other friend. The child would be known to them and their families. They will have more involvement than some of the KD's that the ladies on LGBT thread have ie: annual update/meeting or none.

I suppose in the true sense a donor is just that donates/gifts sperm for your purpose but if you conceive out of a clinic setting (and a known donor is treated by HFEA in the same light as the clinic sperm donors) , a co-parent is a parent and has involvement becasue both of you have a desire to be parents to the child (this is what my friend has done a 50-50 split ). Don't forget the legal scenarios, parental responsibility- check out Natalie's website as it can go horribily wrong if not considered.  

We were friends before and he offered me sperm. I don't want financial support from them either, this is my journey and they don't want to be parents as such and siad that adoption would have been their route if they had wanted to be parents. I did consider my other friends offer (who is now a Daddy) but he was from Oz and I thought what would also happen should he wish to return, I would have a battle on my hands, incidentially he also got civil partnered- and again this can change the equation if you or he got married etc.

There is a lot to think about. There is a guy on the LGBT thread who has been trying to co-parent and explored things as well


Good Luck


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi GG,


If I could have found someone that I felt really sure about co-parenting with I would have but no-one came forward. I did meet a gay friend of a friend who was already a sperm donor through a clinic and we met up and chatted about it but then he thought more about what he wanted and he really wanted to co-parent and I felt that as I didn't know him I couldn't do it.  Some of my old mates I would consider it with - in fact I constantly ask them    but they all want to meet women and have families the conventional way....how tedious!!!


I am pleased in some ways that I am doing this myself - but I also feel very lucky that I have parents and big family nearby and a strong support of friends who I know will be invaluable.


Sometimes I wonder if I should really be putting my energy in trying to meet someone!!!!!
xxx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

GG - it's so difficult isn't it? 

I think you have two separate issues here, one is about what course of tx you go for next - IVF (here or overseas), natural IVF, more IUI etc etc aand the other is whether you continue to do this alone, or whether you want to find someone to do it with, ie a co-parent

It might help to try and think about these as separate things. To what extent do you really want to be doing this with someone else vs going it alone? I mean of course pretty much all of us would I think rather have been with a partner and had children the 'traditional' way but that sadly has not worked out so far. But a co-parent would not be the same as having a partner, and although I guess over time perhaps a strong relationship may develop between the two of you, initially it seems like it would be more of a 'business' partnership - at least that's how it seems to me. Is this something you genuinely want, or is it more that your friend has worried you a bit by telling you how hard it is to go it alone? 
I know for me personally I barely considered the co-parenting option, whilst I'm under no illusions at all how hard single motherhood is going to be (especially with twins!), I also knew that I did not want the complexity of co-parenting and the challenges of making joint decisions with someone who wasn't, at the end of the day, a person I fell in love with and wanted a family with. It all felt very complex and I couldn't imagine how it would end up working out for the child - what if one co-parent met someone else, what if they wanted to move away, what if they had very different views on bringing up children etc etc
I'm not for a minute saying co-parenting can't work if you get it right, but it just didn't feel right for me

So that's one issue and then there is the tx issue which I think is separate - it's always hard to know when to move from IUI to the next step, and it can feel very scary. I guess you need to get at least a couple of 'professional' opinions from consultants/clinics and then try to make the right decision from there based on the success rates etc

And of course if you decided to go the co-parent route you may still need IVF - there's no guarantee you would conceive naturally and it could take months and months (can't recall your age sorry, but if time is against you then the co-parent route/trying natural may not be a good option anyway) - so that's also something to take into account

Hope you manage to figure it all out soon, 
take care
 
Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

GG have you seen www.prideangel.com they are exhibiting at the alternative families show in covent Garden on Sat aimed at LGBT and singlies.

L x

/links


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Thanks girls

JJ yes it was a poster for pride angel that kindof made me start thinking about this route again.  Didn't know they were exhibiting though.

Tbh i think my head's in such a spin it was just something that was said that has added to my turmoil and i don't really think it's the route i want to go down.  I think i've just got information overload and finding it hard to make decisions about any of it and yeah i think what my friend said just added to my worry about how i'd cope etc.

Need to try and chill and think but it's so hard when your head won't switch off....

GG x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

GG  It gets like that with info overload and plans and ifs and whats - sometimes I find it helpful not to be seeking treatment and take a month or two off  now and then go on holidays and then get back on the rollercoaster!
L x


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