# Advice needed on FC contact post placement



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi all
We are coming to the end of our intros week. It's been amazing so far!
The FC family are brilliant. Our LO has been with them since birth to 9 months. 

To set the scene , I never thought that FC contact would happen after placement. Never been mentioned. Then at intro planning meeting it was planned in for a meeting 3 wks into placement. Ok I thought ......Go with it. 
Then yesterday FC started talking about how she sees her other foster children who have been adopted, regularly. It seemed that once every 3 months was even to long a wait. 

This is all new to me. I would not have a problem meeting up with them a couple of times a year as they are a lovely family and I will always make sure LO knows about them, but I am being made to feel like I need to plan in meetings every month. I was so looking forward to a quiet build up to Xmas introducing LO to family and friends but now I feel like the first thing I will have to do is plan in a meeting with foster family. 

Does anyone have any experience on this? Is this the norm? I know FC do a brilliant job and this is a great foster family but I am just a little shocked and unprepared for the amount of contact it seems we are expected to have. 

Thanks xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

When we got LO we were told that for an older child a visit around 4-6wks after placement was good to show them people don't just disappear but for a younger child, it's more about the FC. 
We got on okay with the FC during intros and after a two week break, we started to send a photo and long text update every week or two using the mobile number we'd been given and used during intros. She then kicked up a stink and said we hadn't contacted her at all which I could prove otherwise. She had said during intros she didn't want contact after the 6wk point but wanted to be able to send birthday/christmas cards. Well the 6wk meeting never happened as she adopted herself just after we got LO from her (she wanted to adopt LO but there were some issues for her with his former SW so didn't happen and mass upset). She never contacted us again and it's now been two years and we've never received a card. For us this wasn't an issue as the longer LO was home, the more issues we discovered as a result of her parenting and were quite glad. We've since moved house so now unlikely we will ever meet again. Although this ended on a bit of a sour note, we still tell LO that E looked after him when he was a little baby until he could come home to Mummy and Daddy, and we have a photo album she made for him which is lovely and he looks at every now and again. We'd never say anything negative about her to him and if he wants to meet her when he's older, we'll support and encourage him.

That said, a number of people I know have wonderful relationships with their child's FC and keeping a good relationship has been invaluable for them in getting advice or information when needed. They are still in regular contact and meet once or twice a year. Their child was around 3 on placement however.

As your LO is really young, I think the FC just wants to make sure they're settling in well. If you have a good relationship there's no reason you couldn't meet up -I promise that after 6mths your LO will barely remember them and it'll just be meeting a friend. You are the parent -I think this is the scary thing, the worry of how much it'll impact them and if they'll remember and get upset. 

In contrast, we have a wonderful relationship with LO's siblings Mum (adoptive) and write to one another with photos every month or so. We've also met them twice and hope to meet up again once or twice a year.

Whatever you decide, the FC was, is and always will be a part of your LO's story.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I would say it is a combination of what is best for the child (as a priority) and then what works for the adults. The first few months of placement are a tiring time for adopters and you certainly should not feel pressured into more than you feel ready for.

That said, I think some sws are moving away from the "clean break" school of thinking and seeing the benefits of some contact. We certainly will be with our son's wonderful FC. Equally, I understand where issues have been caused by FC why it might not be beneficial. I also think you have the right to remind the FC you will be funnelling for the first few months so it will be texts only, if you feel comfortable with that.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think after the initial visit there needs to be a break so that the children can "relearn" the relationship again from scratch.  Our son's foster carers were absolutely brilliant but we had around 6 months from our initial "six week" meet up to the next time we saw them.  We found that worked.  We've seen them again since and will probably carry on seeing them about once every six months.  The last time we saw them while Bladelet enjoyed seeing them, he clearly found it confusing and was very unsettled for a week or so afterwards.  He's 2 years 2 months or so and doesn't really understand who they are, although he clearly remembers them at some level.  He still looks to us as Mummy and Daddy when we see them, but it's confusing for him.  In general, adoption is confusing for young children, and these are emotions that he's going to have to deal with regardless of how they're raised, so at the moment I don't feel like this is something that would make me stop contact.  To me it feels like this continuing relationship is particularly important for our son, given the very little his biological parents did for him, and towards being able to have him come back home.  I hope that as he gets older and understands more, he will find it less confusing.  It's also impossible to miss the huge amount of love his foster carers still have for him, even though they make no attempts to parent and positively encourage him to look to us, and that feels like a positive thing to me.  

I think that where it's possible to carry on seeing foster carers for children removed at birth it can still be very beneficial in the longer term, but it only works when the foster carers can love the children enough to let them go, and where adopters can deal with the inevitable insecurities the contact can raise.  Sometimes it probably doesn't work even then, all kids are different, but for us I feel that despite the short term effect on our son after visits, an ongoing relationship with foster carers is good for him and overall the contact is a big positive for him.  We have no contact at all with our daughter's foster carer because there is no way it could be positive for our daughter.  Our daughter's foster carer was very pushy for ongoing contact, despite her clear dislike of us, because she didn't want to let our daughter go.  Our son's foster carer left the door open for ongoing contact, and have always left it open for us to go to them.  It was clear they hoped they would see our son again, but they made it clear that was our choice as his parents, and that we would be the ones to instigate that.

I cannot think that regular contact in the early months of placement for such a young child could be a good thing.  In that situation I would be inclined to be polite but non-committal, assure them that you'll provide some email updates in the first few days of placement to let them know how l/o is getting on, and see how the initial six week meet up goes and how they are with your child before deciding what to do after that.


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

We are seeing our first set of FC this week, we are 13 weeks into placement. We have exchanged some texts, we sent a letter with photos and we got a card for a birthday. I'm hoping it will go ok, our eldest has got upset as we seeing people separately, but we sent their FC a letter too but have had no contact from them.
Other than a first contact and some letterbox,we were never under pressure for regular contact, although I'm sure that we will be in touch for a long time. We were said to call them if we had any concerns or questions that they might be able to support with.  it seems odd to me the frequent regularity that has been mentioned too you. Your LO is really young and will have after a while won't have so many strong memories of the FC, so may get confused in the long term.  I see FC visits and contact important in their life story, but it has to be right for you and your LO, you should do what you feel they need, especially with Christmas coming and family to meet. I also trust our FC that they will have appropriate boundaries (although the foster dad is a big'ol softy and won't be able to help himself!)
I'm really concerned about how they are going to be after as mine are older and it will have a big impact, especially as they are only just settling in with us still. My eldest knows they not going back there, but has got quite emotional just recently.
Just remember you LO and your relationship with them is the most important thing. Good luck x


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

We met up with our lovely foster family within the first 2-weeks of placement and this was organised during introductions - and according to our local authority, this was based on the most recent evidence that suggested it was in the child's best interest as it helps ensure that they understand people just don't disappear.  We have subsequently met up every couple of months.  Our AS had lived with his foster family from birth until 23-months and was very happy and settled with them - however, I think continuing contact really helped him settle with us and has given continuity to his life.  For us it has all been very positive, however, they've always been very supportive and professional.  Every time we meet I also learn something new about his early life


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

Hi 

I email updates to FC about once a month. I didn't feel under pressure to do so, I honestly thought it would be nice to keep in touch as they are a lovely family and loved LO so much. We haven't arranged a face to face meeting yet but hopefully will arrange something soon. It was suggested to wait around 6 months.

Xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. 

We had our mid week review today and went really well. Post contact was mentioned but we decided not to say what we were going to do and leave it at least until after Xmas and then decide what's best for LO. We are meeting up in 3 weeks for post placement meeting and I will be texting/emailing updates. No problem with that as they are a lovely family and have been great to LO. As you all say it's just got to be what's best for LO and of course i will make sure she knows what a great start to life she had with her foster family 😊 x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

This is a really interesting thread, thanks everyone for sharing.  Because of security issues (FC was well known to be Bug's FC by birth family) there was no further contact with FC after intros, and frankly I'm not sure how I feel about that.  We exchange letters and birthday/Christmas cards and are happy to do so, and we talk about FC in life story chats.  It will be interesting to see how different it is second time around....


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we saw our FC 5/6 weeks in with both placements..advised by the SW's .They came to our house but if that hadn't felt appropriate then I would have met in a neutral place.
we generally see them twice a year, sometimes more..mostly we instigate this..FC's were clear they had no demands and it was to be our choice. we are on eachothers ** so they see whats going and can see pics of the kids. we sometimes text too. They send Birthday and Xmas gifts for both children.
DD is always very keen to see FM especially but also the daughters whom she is very fond of too. She often asks to see them..and I try to make it happen for her if I can..the whole FF are coming to ours this week in fact..this time they asked as both their daughters are home for the weekend and that doesnt happen often..but like I say its usually at our request. We have had a very positive experience of keeping in contact..had no idea how important DD would find it (DS isnt bothered but goes along with it) but am so pleased it has worked out


kj x


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