# Is this a normal reaction?



## Guest (Aug 15, 2009)

I have been really tearful recently and realised that I have forgotten how to enjoy my day to day life because I have become so bogged down by dates and disappointments in relation to baby making. I broke down infront of DP last night and aired some of my feelings. I have not been a very nice person recently and I know it is because I feel so out of control. DP has decided not to start down regging on this cycle, as we had previously planned, and wants to moniter her cycles for a bit and possibly do a natural FET when we next have teatment. I have gone along with this as she is the one who has to go through all the drug taking. She is exercising again and looking into having some sort of alternative therapies to really de-stress. I just feel like I can do nothing other than be there for her and wait til she is ready. What about when I am ready!!!!! Because I feel so out of control, I have been really snappy and controlling in other aspects of our lives. The worst times are when I have this terrible anger and resentment towards DP for not getting pregnant. I know this is TOTALLY irrational and I have never told her that I sometimes feel like that because it would break her heart. I feel like a total [email protected]#ch but I wondered if I was not alone in feeling this way.


----------



## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Your not alone! I fel like I've forgotton how to enjoy myself too, just babies on my mind constantly. It's horrible isn't it.

Everyone says it's an emotional rollercoaster and it is but your partner isn't always in the same car as you, she may be behind, in front or going on the opposite direction!! eg. my DP hates the taking clomid and waiting for the scan bit whereas I don't mind that, it's the 2ww that kills me when she is fine! So we both lose our minds at totally different times. It's hard. Maybe just tell her how you feel in the terms you are comfortable with (& that wont upset her) ie. frustrated, impaitent. 

Keep your chin up!! xx


----------



## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Oh Moo your realy not alone hunny i have done nothing but think and talk babies for about nearly 18 months and we have not even started properly yet...

I have been terrible to DP and infact it really put a strain on our relationship... we are now both at the point when we feel ready for a baby but i have been there for the last 18 months where as DP has only just caught up in the last 2 months! There's been tears.. bags packed all sorts.. i told DP if she didnt want to have babies soon i'd leave her and that i hated her and god knows what else!!  

Once i calm down i understand that im being a b*tch but until then im irrational and a little nuts at times!

If im honest i dont know how im going to cope with the BFN's like u all do and i'll probably be seeing the counciller to vent etc.

It even comes to the point when i sometimes think i wish i'd married a man and lived a lie...but knowing my luck i'd probably be inferile!! i've never told DP this but i've come very near to it but i know it would kill her to hear that... which is why i come on here to vent.

I try not to but i couldnt help but blame DP for us not having a baby and for having to spend so much money to get there one day... its better now and we can start soon properly but im still not sure how im gonna cope with the BFN's or even if the tx never works..

Em x


----------



## Guest (Aug 17, 2009)

Thanks for your replies girls. 

Welshginge - love your rollercoaster analogy - I shall be using that as a little thought process when I am having a bad day! 

DP and I are a bit precious at the mo and it's a bit like walking on egg shells at home. She does get very intollerant with DS too which I find really hard to step back from but I can't but in with everything especially as he is very clingy towards me at the minute which I think only heightens her need to carry our next baby. I guess all the fertility business really tests you relationship but we have got through a lot worse! I always try to tell myself that any situation doesn't last forever whether it be good or bad. 

Em - don't be too negative, things might go well for you next time  
Your DP was like me - I wasn't even sure if I was ready when we started treatment and DP had been nagging for 2 years. Infact, one of the factors in making the decision who was going to carry was because I was worried about bonding with a baby I didn't feel ready for. That soon went out of the window when I got pregnant though!

Take care ladies


----------



## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hello - It's Lynn  

I think when it comes to situations like these to an extent you have to allow yourself to feel whatever you have to but I have to say (and I hope you don't mind but you did ask) I am really surprised by both of your posts. I am not preaching by any means but as the non-biological mother for this time, I know it will be really important to me to carry our next baby as I really feel the 'want' to exerience pregnancy and birth if that makes sense and I would be devastated if I thought for one minute that Amber felt the way you feel Moo about me if it took me longer or if I needed to do it at my own pace..   It is really important for me that regardless of which one of us is getting pregnant that we are both on the journey together if that makes sense and we have always been very open with our feelings regarding the process - for example the only part of this I feel I will struggle with as the non-bio mum is not being able to feed our baby but (especially midwife hat on) I wouldn't consider bottle feeding just for my benefit so we have decided that when amber is pregnant I will induce lactation and we will co-feed. 

Moo - do you think your DP is feeling she needs time because she is pressured comparing herself to your ttc and feeling she failed somehow? Maybe the intolerance towards DS is agian from insecurity especially if as you say he is radiating towards you - I can imagine that may feel as a rejection especially considering how she is feeling about the ttc process  

Please don't feel I'm judging you and maybe it is because I am the non-bio mother (and the one who put off ttc till we were financially more secure) so I guess I am seeing this from your DP's point of view rather than yours.. Em I can't believe you sometimes wish you had played straight to have babies -   for what it's worth I think that would have led to a sad and frustrating life for not only you but your children/husband aswell - I hope ttc goes well (and quickly) for you and things become less stressed for you both  

Your post has definitely given me a lot to think about


----------



## Guest (Aug 17, 2009)

Hi Lynn, don't think you are being judgemental at all - I don't think you should post on this site if you don't want peoples honest opinions! Like I said in my post, I know it is irrational and I don't think it is really my true feelings as I adore DP, it is just a knee jerk reaction because there is noone to get angry with about all our bad luck if that makes sense. I know DP feels a lot of pressure, I have heard her speak to one of our best friends before about how I got pregnant really easily and coped really well and had a quick home birth and she can't manage any of that  . That is why I tell you guys my deepest feelings and not her because I want to protect her through all of this. We are definately on this journey together but that doesn't mean we will feel the same about it at every stage. I'm just very frustrated at the minute but working on dealing with things xx take care


----------



## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hi Moo, 

This forum is really good for that as you can talk to people who understand and in real life there is often nobody who understands - we're screwed if we wanted to vent on here as we both read it and use the same login   

I agree there will always be different feelings about things from the bio/on-bio point of view which I guess is one of the challenges of bringing up a family as lesbians.... then again I suppose there is differences for straight parents as well... I guess the difference is really that we can experience both - maybe it is harder for you having experienced one side already? hmmm tricky situations  

sorry wasn't much use. xxx


----------



## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

I know deep down in side i dont want to play straight its just my irrational side coming out wanting a quick fix


----------



## Misspie (Feb 1, 2009)

Moo/Em, 

I'am sorry to hear the way you are both feeling. It's certainly a very hard and long process to go through, for both people on the journey. It will put many strains on the relationship, but as long as you can both support each other and be there in the good and bad times, this will make a perfect stable home for the child. 

I have been feeling very low this weekend, after spending time with children and pregnant woman and new borns both days. And it's hard when you just want to be in a situation to go home and try. Both me and DP are in a similar relationship and situation as Amber and Lynn, we both want to carry and feel that experience of pregnancy and giving life to a child. But yet, we both are egar to give love to a child! As you all know I'm having a few ovulation problems and being fully diagnosed with PCOS does cause me concern for falling pregnant, but we have both said we need to give it a good damn go before we give up and move onto DP (alot will depend financially when you move across as the whole time process of waiting for things starts again).
I would be absolutly devastated if for some reason I wasn't able to give birth to our child, I'm comign round to the idea, of having atleast 2 children now, but I think emotionally it would take time for me to take a step back and say "okay it wasn't meant to be" but as soon as we have that child be-it Katies or adopted, I would love it as my own!

I think that sometimes, whether you want to vent or not to your DP, you should let them know how passionate you are and supportive of their oppions. We all need to let the person we love know how we are feeling.

Lynn - i suggested to Dp about the inducing and she's not keen on the idea.....maybe that might change once one of us is pregnant! 

Chin up lovies, and       to you all

Lorna
xxx


----------

