# So angry, confused and sad



## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hello
This is the first time I have posted on this board. You all seem a lovely bunch so I thought I would pop in and get something off my chest   I hope you dont mind the 'me' post but i hope that by having a rant i will feel a bit better.
Here goes:

1. After FET at the start of the summer, I miscarried at 5w 5d. It is now around six weeks since the miscarriage but instead of feeling better I am feeling worse by the week   I am close to tears about 5 times a day and feel completely hopeless, washed out, confused, angry (especially with my family). I am trying to do really positive things like lose weight (lost 3lb!) relax (am in between jobs so absolutely no stress in my life hurrah although have had a lot of time to think which i dont think helps) do things I enjoy (writing, reading, walking, cycling its been fab) volunteer (church gardening club). So why do i feel so poo? Ive never spoken to anyone who has told me how they felt after a loss. How long will i feel like this? I feel like this time it has got me, its beaten me, infertility has won  .

2. I am not getting on very well with my family at all. I have a nephew who is the light of my parents world and all they ever talk about constantly is him. They never ask me how I am or what I am doing, all i get is over the top gushing about my nephew. I love him to bits but am feeling really let down by them. I think they are being really insensitive about our situation which they have full knowledge of.  

3. My sister is driving me insane to the point where I think we are going to fall out. I cant rely on her for any support even though she had my nephew by IVF. Every time i mention to her something she goes off on one and starts saying 'well what about what ive been through' cos basically nobody has ever experienced anything as bad or as traumatic as her. So we went out last night and i didnt really want to go but we had tickets and i got drunk and smoked (which I so regret cos that just isnt who i am anymore (i did like to party in my twenties)) but she just sees this and presumes thats who i am. I tried to tell her how i felt about her and nephew and parents and feeling left out and she went balistic (prob not a good time to talk after a long day drinking) and basically said i was out of order for making her feel bad that she had a child (which was never my intention  ). I know she will go home and tell my mum and dad and they will say all sorts of things about me today which i know i cant control but it is annoying me SO much I feel so angry. I cant talk to them direct to tell them how i feel because they will too get angry and call me selfish as they have done before. They cant deal with problems and dont want anything to upset the applecart. 

4. I told my sister I had started going to church again. It is the only thing that makes me feel, well, stable, grounded, at peace, calm, hopeful. And she said what a waste of time what am I doing that for as its not going to make any difference or make my treatment work. Arrrggggg!  Dismissed instantly! I wanted to tell her that Im not going to make my treatment work, Im going because I need to feel closer to God, to be a better Christian and to try to make some sense of my life and have faith in the path that has been given to me. But i didnt because she would have mocked me. And that makes me feel really angry. And completely isolated from my family who dont even know who i am! I dont pray for God to give us a baby, I pray that God helps me understand and deal with our infertility  .

Well thats it, rant over   If anybody has any advice to help me feel better it would be gratefully received.

GG
xxxx


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## Zulu (Apr 25, 2007)

Hiya GG,

I have never looked at this board, but whilst scrolling down on the main menu your heading caught my eye.

1. the sad broken hearted feeling can go on for a while, getting so close to your dream and having it taken aways so soon is one of the hardest things to deal with and you are right no one tells you how to cope, I suppose we all have differant ways of coping.  I think that positive step you have taken is to be positive, doing positive things helps, maybe not working is making you think more abt your m/c.  Just keep with the PMA and in time you will heal, I promise you that, time is a good healer.

2. Parents, mmmmm unfortuanly its something we have to learn to deal/cope with.  But then I also think that you need support from both and maybe a heart to heart with your Mom and Dad would help, all you will be asking is for them to be a wee bit more sensitive to how your feel, after all you are also their daughter.

3. Sister, well she of all people should know how you are feeling and hey its not on that she is not supporting and being more understanding to you.  Maybe also a heart to heart without the drink   would be a better idea.

As for religion, Im a true beleiver in having faith, its brought me through a very difficult time in my life, and although I dont go to Church every sunday,  I know that as long as I have faith and Trust in God my road will and is getting smoother.

Dont feel bad for wanting to get closer to God, its obviously what you are needing and right now its all abt you and what you want.

Lv
Bev


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## Guest (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi Gingerbreadgirl

First of all - big ((hugs))  It sounds as though you're having a tough time at the moment.  

Infertility is hard especially when those closest to us fail to understand.  All I can say is that eventually it does get easier - whether or not you are able to conceive your own child.  

I also remember I got some quite negative reactions when I first returned to church (in my early 30s) and my close family didn't understand when I became a Christian.  However knowing God has enabled me to cope with many things I could not have done alone, He has given me peace and has blessed me in so many ways (although not in the ways I hoped when I first started to pray).  My family have also come to accept and now my sister has also returned to church.  

I hope you can continue to walk with God and that you will know He will help you to work through these difficult situations with your family.  I also hope you can accept and feel at peace about your infertility.  

Love and prayers
Bop


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Just wanted to give you a big  

I really do think that you seem not to be being heard by your family at all and I really dont think you are selfish. It helps to have love and support doesnt it ?? I dont understand why your sister is unable to understand your infertility if she has been through the same thing.
Sometimes ,telling people about the most personal things in life doesnt work does it ie the God part , I just think that maybe also you need to protect yourself by not giving too much of yourself away. Families dont always give us what we need and maybe seeing a counsellor may help you deal with your feelings or help you express them to them in a way that looks after yourself . I am rambling ...........sorry ......
Take Care and look after yourself 
Chedza


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## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hello again
Bev Bop and Chedza I just wanted to say thank you for replying. Im feeling much better today. I felt much better for getting it all off my chest anyway, then a good nights sleep (I dreamt I had bought a villa in the med and woke with a smile on my face! if only dreams came true   ) and your really supportive messages have done wonders. I know I am not alone when I come post on FF and I find people who understand  . 
Chedza, I really related to your comment "families dont always give us what we need". It was a  bit of a revelation for me, as for my whole life I have sought their approval and it has been somewhat lacking, together with their interest in me as a person. The fact that I dont need their approval is what I will try to work on for a while..
Bop, thank you for your comments about going to church in your early thirties. I have wanted to return to my Christian roots for many years but not been brave enough to do so. But it has felt so right since I have been back i dont think i will ever let my faith wane again.
Bev, thank you for your comments too. I feel better knowing that time may well heal the loss i feel. It really is the worst thing that has ever happened to me so i am not dealing with it too well. I have decided to get back to work too, as you are right, too much time on your hands is not a good thing sometimes. And I am definitely intent on not drinking so much, and certainly not trying to have a heart to heart at the same time  

Thanks again, love and prayers
GG
xxx


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## Zulu (Apr 25, 2007)

Hey there,

So glad that you are feeling better and really wish you all the best, just keep positive and you will be fine.  

Lv
Bev


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## kate101 (Jan 16, 2006)

Hi GG,  I couldn't read and run.  i just wanted to send you a massive hug as this infertility malarkey can be such a lonely one.  Family and friends often can't understand even if they really want to - it's often much easier for them to handle us when we've got our happy faces on and they find it tough when true feelings come out as they really don't know how to make us feel better.

I mostly wanted to share my recent experiences with you.  I had an IVF Mc in April.  I was very 'sensible and scientific' about it for the first week or two and then for some time after that I completely crashed and burned.  i was devastated - i just couldn't cope and would cry all the time.  i couldn't see anything positive or think about the future.  I found work hard to cope with and was argumentative and just generally not very nice. However, it passed and around the middle of June I suddenly started to feel better again.  I started to sleep better and started to feel much more positive and happy again.  Infertility is leaving a massive hole in my life, but I really do feel much better now and I am sure that slowly, you will start to feel more like your old self again.  If you don't though, it might be worth talking to somebody professional about it.  

I do pray all the time that God will give me the strength to deal with this positively and, of course, I pray regularly for a baby miracle (whatever that may be).

Prayers and hugs to you,
Kx


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## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hi Kate
Thanks for sharing your experience. Im so sorry to hear you also had a MC at six weeks  . I am glad you are starting to feel better. It is so tough isnt it when we know we are not being ourselves when we are being sometimes 'not very nice' but feel powerless to do anything about it   until time starts to make things feel a little better and easier to deal with. I read back over my original post and from other peoples kind words (including the priest at my church) I have come to realise that it is ok for me to ask God for a baby! I dont have to continue under some false illusion that if i dont ask for a baby or tell God that I m hurting then I am more deserving than if i do! Its ok to tell him that this sucks! So I have started to! With abundance! And that is helping. Lots.
I pray your, and all the other FF girlies, dreams come true  
GG
xxxx


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