# Really need some help, everything is going wrong :(



## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi guys,

I really thought everything was getting better, I set up my own business with my company as I had no other option but to leave my job after the way they were treating me. I got myself off my anti-depressants and I was losing weight and I was happy again for the first time in ages but now everything is going wrong again 

I'm trying to get my job back as my business isn't going as well as I thought but that's hard as I don't really want to go back because of the way they were treating me but I need the money more than ever now. My credit card is building up but I thought it was okay because I had 0% interest till March 2014, turns out that was only on my balance transfer and I've been charged over £100 in interest. My partner is trying his hardest to support us both and the house but it's hard on one income hence why i'm trying to get my job back even though it's going to kill me emotionally :/ 

Also, I was steadily losing weight which was great but this week I've put on 2 pounds but I've tried so hard I've been eating so much more healthily and done so much exercise and I never do exercise! I know it doesn't sounds like much to put on but I've got until the start of December to get my BMI down from 34 to 30 so I can have some fertility drugs. I'm so upset I just feel like everytime I pick myself up and dust myself off, I get kicked back down even further!

My partner is being as supportive as he can be but there isn't a lot he can do really. He keeps on about me doing exercise and not giving up and i'm not but it pi**es me off so much when he keeps on at me!!!

It's getting harder and harder to be strong and I really need some guidance. Thank you in advance. Carls xx


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## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I can advise with the weight loss my bmi was 43 I got it down to 30- at the moment it's 33 after my treatment and miscarriage but im back on it now. Weight comes off slowly- there can be numerous reasons why you have put on a couple of pounds. Hormones, exercise.. If your exercising are you eating enough? Are you doing weights? Are you following a plan? I'm on myfitnesspal, I lost the majority of my weight through weightwatchers. I do a lot of weights and exercise but you have to fuel your body. It could be water retention - dont beat yourself up about it- it's 2lbs not two stone!! You are givin yourself a hard time so just try and relax. Things always have a funny way of falling into place.

As for your job- can you not look for a new one altogether? I hate my job but as we are planning a fet soon I have to stay otherwise I'd be looking elsewhere. 

It's great your partner is supportive- just take each day as it comes!
xx


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi Carls,

There's a real sense of panic in your post that I really don't feel you need! You won't want to hear this but I really think you feel like things are going wrong when they're not! You are trying to 'fix' alot of issues all at once and I think you've just wound yourself up. You've mentioned, weight loss, depression and anti depressants, being self employed, worries about finance and pressuring yourself to do more exercise...that's alot of stuff to be worrying about Hun. Now this bit you're really not going to like... You're only 22, there's no rush!!! If you're worried about money maybe having a baby now isn't the wisest move anyway, why don't you take the pressure off yourself, give yourself a couple of months to focus on getting the work thing sorted, apply for some new jobs, set yourself a reasonable training plan, once a week working up to twice a week when you get used to the routine of exercising once a week.... Once you've got settled and are feeling more secure then look at revisiting your consultant for the fertility drugs. Most importantly, sit down with your dh and get your plan together so that he knows what your goals are and how he can support you. Slow down Hun, otherwise you're going to end up stressed out and all your efforts will end up being counterproductive. 

X
Ducky


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi Carls, we spoke before if you remember? Here: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=310520.0

I have to say, I'm surprised to hear you're trying to go back to your old job after you were looking into a claim for constructive dismissal. I'd have to agree with Sweetpea that you would be better off looking for another one elsewhere if they treated you that badly. They may not even agree to your request if you left under a bit of a cloud. 
I might also suggest, given your urgent financial situation and to prevent you slipping even further into debt with the credit card interest, you might want to set your sights on *any* job so long as it pays enough to cover your bills, rather than a specific one or a pay grade. The reason I say this is because 1. it gets you out of a hole with the money side of things and 2. for reasons best known to employers it's a lot easy to get another job if you already have one to start with.

Either way I think employment and income ought to be your top priority at the moment; this will serve to stabilise you both financially and also emotionally, since having a daily purpose and interacting with people will help you to feel more confident and generally feel better about yourself. 

As for the weight gain... you can gain or lose up to 2lbs in a day, depending on when you last had a wee or a poo, how much fluid you have drunk and, urgh, that wonderful pre-menstrual bloating. I put on about 4lbs before my period every single month; I always lose it again right afterwards.  
From what you've said in the past you're doing all the right things; you're trying to eat healthy, trying to exercise, limiting your calorie intake and tracking what you eat. You have seen for yourself that this does work. Just some weeks it works better than others. Don't let a measly 2lb blip upset you too much; It'll be gone again next week, you can be sure. 
I know you have this December deadline to get down to 30 BMI but, honestly, if you don't meet it, what happens then? Is it worst case scenario, you have to wait a bit longer for fertility drugs? Or will you miss your chance to have them altogether? I doubt very much that will be the case and I suspect you'll simply have to wait a bit longer to start. How many lbs loss are we talking about? Bearing in mind that a healthy rate to lose weight is about 1 - 2 lbs a week. Just divide the no of lbs by the no of weeks left and you will have a realistic idea of whether it is achievable or not. If it's not (or not achievable without crash dieting) then I suggest you accept it's not going to happen by the deadline and just work at steadily losing weight in the hope that your consultant can see you are serious and are happy to prescribe as and when you are at an acceptable weight.

I have to agree with duckybun to an extent. As harsh as it may sound I don't think you're ready to have a baby yet. I said as much before so will reiterate that you need to get yourself mentally, financially and physically fit before you even begin to think about having a baby. Perhaps if you take the pressure off yourself to get going on the fertility drugs and give yourself, say 6 months or 12 months to sort everything else out you will be in a much better frame of mind and feel less stressed about the process. This in turn will help and, who knows, maybe losing the weight might help massively with your conception problems and you may not need to pump yourself full of horrid drugs after all. It has been shown that weight loss does have a positive effect on fertility (which is why they want you to lose as much as possible before commencing the drugs). I know from personal experience that it's hard with PCOS but it is do-able. You've already proven to yourself with a fantastic 13lb loss that you can do it. 13lb is almost a stone! That's brilliant and you should be rightly proud of that. 
In the words of Dory, just keep swimming. 

C~x


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks for all your replies. Duckybun & Caz - I can understand to some extent the age thing but it really upsets and annoys me when people say that. Just because i'm young doesn't mean i'm any less ready to be a mummy! Up until everything went wrong at work, we were very much financially ready. The only reason I am returning to work is because of the money. I will try and get another job but finding a job is hard enough without having to explain the whole fertility thing and stomach issues I have. I think I've sorted out my grievances with work and if they go back on their word, I have it all recorded  

Sweetpea - That must of been an incredible weight loss getting your BMI from 43 to 30!! Well done, I would join a slimming club but 1) I can't afford it and 2) I hate people - well not so much everyone :L just wouldn't like the idea of discussing my eating/exercising habits and weighing myself in front of strangers. I am using myfitnesspal to keep track of everything which is very useful.

Caz - Yes I remember speaking before  The weight is just getting me down so much, it's even harder to lose weight with the PCOS and I haven't had a period since God knows when, even with my weight loss so far! Makes me wonder if it is just weight that is my enemy   

I don't want to wait any longer for the drugs, I've been trying for 2 years and that's already too long for me. I've always wanted to be a young mum and i've always been a "homely" person. When I found my fiancé, I thought it was the start of something so much better for me and now this is happening it's awful. It's affecting me in so many ways, I can't even begin to explain   The consultant actually said he would see me in 6 months and I pushed him back to 3 months and now I have to prove to him that I can lose weight but i'm trying my best and my body is just not letting it happen and everytime my fiancé moans at me about exercise and healthy food etc it just feels like he's blaming me but i'm trying my best but if my best isn't good enough what more can I do??

Carls xx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi carls

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I don't think the other ladies were saying you shouldn't have a baby because you're only 22, what they are saying is that you've hit a rough patch in your life and a number of factors aren't that great. Mentally and physically you are struggling and it would perhaps be best if those could be resolved before a baby was added into the equation which would exacerbate the stress you are feeling. The reason your age was brought it is because you are lucky enough to be able to give it 12months to take one issue at a time and try and fix it. Would you not rather enjoy your pregnancy knowing your finances etc are back in order and once your maternity leave comes you can relax and not worry about if the credit cards can be paid? 

Regarding the weight loss, congrats on losing 13 pounds, that's amazing and you should be proud of yourself, u are going to have some weeks where the weight doesn't shift or you put on, don't worry. You can easily shift 2 pounds. Perhaps your body has got used to your diet, try mixing it up a little. Keep a good diary and see where you're going wrong. Have u cut out the booze,? You will probs do this for your upcoming treatment anyway and you'd be surprised how many empty calories booze contains. A bottle of wine contains 750 cals which is the equivalent of running for 1hr 15 mins... 

I really do wish you all the luck in the world & hope it sorts itself out for you, xxx


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi bambibaby12,

Yeah I understand that but all these rough patches have been caused by trying to conceive :/ I know that if I am lucky enough to become pregnant, everything will be solved. I know that may sounds silly but before we started trying everything was fine, we were a happy couple looking to have a family and now we're struggling to do that which means everything else is going wrong. If I fall pregnant, I just know it'll be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and my fiancé and I will go back to the way we used to be - not shouting and screaming and crying etc. I start back at my job on Monday (not out of choice!) so we can easily pay back the money then. I am hoping to be able to claim back some money for when I was off so hopefully that'll sort itself out.

Yes I have quit the booze but I barely drank before only have a few at parties etc and I rarely go out anymore  haha! I honestly don't know where i'm going wrong that's the problem. I'm keeping a diary and i'm eating all the right foods, mainly drinking water and have an occasional treat and now a treat is like 4 squares of dark chocolate instead of a whole bar of dairy milk! I'm trying so hard and it just feels all for nothing at the moment  I can't afford to go to a slimming club but I wouldn't want to anyway :/ 

Thanks for the advice  

Carls xx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi Carls

Well done on the weight loss, don't give up, it will be so worth it in the end!

I have to say, though thinking that 'if I am lucky enough to become pregnant, everything will be solved[/size]' does seem extremely silly and a bit naive. Babies put a massive strain on any relationship, yes, we are all here desperately wanting a baby, but having a child is not plain sailing. They are extremely expensive too, so if you are in financial distress a baby will add massively to that and will also leave you feeling guilty that you cannot provide the kind of life you would like to for your son or daughter. I'm not saying that poor people shouldn't get pregnant and have babies -emotional wealth is far more important than any monetary wealth - but if you are massively stressed about financies now, and are desperately looking for a job to take you out of a financial hole, having a baby will add to that stress. 
[/size]
If I fall pregnant, I just know it'll be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and my fiancé and I will go back to the way we used to be - not shouting and screaming and crying etc

I'm sure that once you are pregnant the stress of infertility will be lifted and yes, there will be a lovely phase where you'll both be very contented and looking to the future. But a baby is not a plaster to stick over a problem, if there are problems in your relationaship now then you need to look at where those problems and frustrations are stemming from. Obviously infertility puts a huge strain on any relationship, but perhaps you both need to talk through why you are screaming and shouting at each other and crying and fighting. If you add a screaming baby and nights and nights of sleep deprivation into a relationship that hasn't addressed underlying stresses/grief/frustration, then things for your family will be very difficult.

I know this all sounds so negative, and I don't want to put you off truing to have a baby. But as others have said, time is on your side and I thing you just need to take a few months to solidify every thing - finances relationship, job etc before you try for a baby. I understand the frustration of one's natural and very real instinct to have a baby, but I think in this case you need to really look at where you are. It wouldn't be for long, a matter of a few months and then you will be going into it clear headed, unstressed and less vulnerable.

This is only my opinion, and I wish you absolutely the best for the future



Wendy


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi Carls, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. When there's so much going on at once, it can feel like everything is getting on top of you and it's hard to work out the best order to tackle things in, or the right ways to deal with things.

Firstly, well done on your weight loss. The first bit is the hardest to lose, I find - it's difficult, no matter how motivated you feel, to actually start working towards your goal. You've done a fantastic job so far! You don't have to join a slimming club to lose weight, nor do you need diet pills or hours at the gym. Slimming clubs work really well for some people, but not for everyone and they're definitely not a necessity. I lost 40lb and found it a huge help, going from a BMI of 32 to 25.7 just before my treatment started, just using myfitnesspal and a bit of common sense. You've started off so well; just remember that it's healthy to lose 1-2lb a week so it's slow and steady wins the race. It's not all for nothing, it just takes a while to see the results. Try not to think about your PCOS - I know it's a factor and it is more difficult to lose weight with it, but if you concentrate on it too much, it can become an excuse. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound quite right, I'm not really sure how else to put it! I just know that when I stopped thinking 'oh, it's so hard for me because I have PCOS' I made better choices and found it easier to lose weight because I wasn't using it to lean on.

I'd agree with wendycat that it's a little naive to think that everything will be solved if you become pregnant. Infertility is a massive blow (on this site, we know this so much) but it does not cause all of your problems and falling pregnant will not solve them all, either. I don't think anybody is saying that just because you're young, you're not ready to be a mummy - it's not about your age, it's about your situation. When I first read your first post, I didn't even clock your age at all, you just don't sound like you're in the best situation or frame of mind to be trying for a baby right now.

I think you'd find it beneficial to categorise everything you're struggling with right now and work on things individually. When there's a mountain in front of you, take small steps first and conquer each ledge as you find it, rather than looking at it as a huge hike and race to the top.  Good luck.


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

sarahsuperdork said:


> I lost 40lb and found it a huge help, going from a BMI of 32 to 25.7 just before my treatment started, just using myfitnesspal and a bit of common sense.


Well done, that's fantastic!

I have to admit, I'm not one for slimming clubs either. I've done it all with my fitness pal and exercise (21lbs so far, back on the wagon working towards the next 20  )

Carls I do think though, you may have set yourself an unrealistic deadline by having your appointment moved forward to 3 months. It's really not given you any leeway to slip or have a bad week, nor has it given you any leeway to smash through your target and delight your consultant. Remember that a BMI of 30 still makes you overweight (just no longer obese) and the more you lose, the more you will improve your chances of conception and of a healthy pregnancy. 
By my calculations you have between about 20 and 25lbs to lose (depending on your height) and about 12 - 16 weeks to do it. That's a big ask. It's do-able but only if you are really strict with yourself - no snacks, no chocolate, no treats and stick rigidly to your diet and work off the extra calories if you do sneak them in. You seem completely committed to the idea of going ahead with the drugs in December so you need to knuckle down and get to it and stop making excuses to yourself as to why it's not happening. Doens't matter if they're true or not; they won't help you now. Sorry if that's blunt but your DP is right to nag you in this case, since he's clearly trying his best to support you and encourage you to do this.

Wendycat is right; I too think you have an unrealistic idea as to what having a baby will be like. It will not solve everything; it will likely bring it's own problems. If you think that getting pg will make all your other problems go away, this is extremely naive. When you speak about wanting to be a young mummy and not wanting to wait, I do totally get where you are coming from; many of us started this journey young thinking getting pg would be easy - throw away the contraception and wait for nature to do its thing. As the months and the years wear on, it grinds you down. Unfortunately the one harsh lesson that infertility teaches us all is patience. I was 25 when we started ttc, with no clue I'd have a problem. I wanted two or three children at least (had a big family myself) and thought we had plenty of time. 10 years later + a host of invasive and unpleasant tests, one laparoscopy, 9x rounds of clomid, 6x round of IVF, a miscarriage, several thousand pounds and I finally achieved mummyhood. I have a (not so) baby boy but lost my DH when my baby was three years old so the family I'd always dreamed of will never, ever be. This isn't how I planned it, but it's what I have. Life rarely works out exactly as planned.  Unfortunately it's a common belief that having a baby will somehow cure you of your infertility and all those feelings will just go away. They don't. You have a child, you overcome it, albeit temporarily, but you're not cured; you still carry around the burden of loss of your fertility for the rest of your life. Even now I have no chance of ever having another baby, I still yearn for the chance to just be able to get pg naturally and I still mourn the loss of what I could-should have had.

I'm not telling you all this to put you off; rather to prepare you for the reality of the situation you're in. You have lost something vital - your fertility - and you need to recognise it as a loss and grieve for this, and adjust to this life, much the same way as you would have to grieve for the loss of a loved one, and adjust to a life without them. What you wanted / expected from life is not what you will get. It rarely is for most people so we must make the best of what we have and learn to adapt. You 're unlikely to have your baby at 22; heaven knows if the next step doesn't work and you have to progress to IVF, you may wait years just to get on the waiting list, let alone actually achieve successful pregnancy. But you have a very good chance of conceiving at some point. You know what the problem is, theoretically have a plan to tackle this that ought to work (all things being equal). About 75% of couples who embark on fertility treatment walk away with a baby; the odds are in your favour that you will be a mummy one day. Keep the faith, tackle one problem at a time and be patient and, whatever you do, don't let this IF thing dominate you to the point where you can't enjoy what you do have in life. 

C~x


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

How do I delete a post? This hasn't helped me at all. 

Before I left my job through no choice of my own because of fertility issues, we were very financially ready and ready in other ways too. Now I have my job back, it'll be fine again. I'm only doing it for the money so we can have a child so to make an assumption that we are not ready for a child is a really horrible thing to say. I came on here to be helped and supported not to be judged. If we weren't ready for a child I would never of started trying for one. As for saying it's naïve to think a baby will solve everything, you don't me or my situation, only what I have said on here and this is just the bad times asking for advice. My fiancé and I never had an argument until we were having problems conceiving so our relationship is strong, it's only the infertility that's getting in the way. As for my emotions, the only reason why i'm feeling so drained emotionally and mentally is because of infertility also so yes a child would solve all our problems because all our problems started when we had trouble conceiving. 

I know that 3 months is a very fine deadline but doesn't that show how desperate I am for a child ? I'm willing to do anything to have a baby.


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Carls, I'm sorry to hear you feel this hasn't helped you.

You're weaning yourself off antidepressants, you're taking diet pills and you're going back to a job that you hate... I'm sorry if that sounds horribly blunt, but when you put the three together, it doesn't sound like the ideal time to be thinking about starting a family. I know there's no 'perfect' time to conceive and again, I'm sorry if you feel judged (this is not my intention, nor I'm sure others either) but you don't sound ready. It's personal opinion, that's all, and obviously only you know the truth about your situation.

3 months is a very fine deadline and while it does show you want this, it also shows you're being a bit unrealistic about it as well. You need time to get to grips with your situation, that's what's really coming across.


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

I just wanted to echo what's already been said by the other girls, they have taken time to give you a lot of good advice and you don't seem to want to listen, they would be very irresponsible if they said yes have a baby life will be amazing, It seems you want them to say that, you do seem a bit scatty and emotional to me and it rings alarm bells I have to be honest.

I really think you should be setting yourself a 12 month goal of dealing with your weight, health, job situation and relationship before you even consider thinking about a baby.

Work will get harder.
Your relationship will get harder.
Your weight will be harder to manage. 

You need to be strong to deal with it.

I hope you make the right decisions

Good luck

Lilly x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

You're not being judged Carls, and nobody has said you're not ready in the way you're reading it (i.e too young); just that you need to be prepared that it won't happen overnight and, perhaps, sorting out all your other issues (weight, job, money, depression) ought to be your priority. Nobody's saying you're too young or should be waiting a few years (hey, no, if you know there's going to be problems, the sooner you can start ttc in earnest, the better IMO) but they are pointing out that you have a lot on your plate right now and that you're setting yourself unachievable targets and, perhaps this is going to set you up for a massive fall. As you are already struggling with your mental health I think you're treading an emotionally tricky path.

My personal advice is to break down the problem into individual facets and concentrate on each one one at a time - the job/money first (ok that's being sorted), then your weight, then your mental health (antidepressants) and then your fertility. We're not talking about putting things on hold indefinitely, or even at all if you can turn things around in the time you have, just working through each problem individually instead of looking at the whole picture and seeing a massive and insurmountable issue that has clearly caused you a lot of upset. And not forcing yourself to meet some self-imposed deadline that has put undue pressure on you. You will get there when you get there and it may not be in 3 months, it may be in 6 months or it may not be for another year... only you can control that. When you are ready mentally and physically then when you *do* start medication, you're in the best position to both cope with the stress of it, and physically in the best position for it to succeed.

I think the drug you will be given is clomid or something similar. I can tell you it's a complete headscrew (sorry polite way of saying it that FF filters will allow me). I spent nine months on it wanting to kill everyone in sight. It's like the very worst kind of PMT x 1000. Honestly, DH needed a suit of armor to even look in my direction. And when I wasn't in a permanent state of hormonal induced anger, I was in a state of hormonal induced tears. If you're prepared to enter into taking this drug that will do this to you, and have the added pressure of having to track your ovulation and have sex to order when you're not 100% mentally ready for it then that's up to you.

You did come here asking for advice and that's the honest advice people have given you. You do think having a baby will sort everything out - you have said so in your previous post - and it won't. Demonstrating how eager you are to have a child means only that, like everyone else on this site, you are desperate and impatient and sick of the pain of infertility. People are being honest. Blunt, yes, but honest whilst trying to be supportive.

I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear and you don't feel it's supporting you. The risk you take when you ask for advice is that you won't necessarily get told what you want to hear. FF isn't just about patting you on the back and holding your hand when you're down - albeit a large part of what you get from this site is emotional support; it's also about sometimes saying looking at a situation with impartial eyes and saying "whoa there, back up!" if you're getting lost in the minefield of infertility.

I think you've made your mind up how you're going to prioritise your life and I think nothing more anyone says will make you change your mind so I will lock this topic now and let it fall off the page.

Sorry you feel it's not been helpful. I genuinely hope you do sort things out and can start tx soon. Moreover, I hope you get a BFP quickly and find the happiness you anticipate this will bring you. 

C~x


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