# Male newbie



## Julian (Nov 18, 2006)

Hello my name is Julian, greetings to everyone.

I would like to discuss some issues with sperm donors knowing their biological fathers as I believe everyone should know their fathers.

Also I think it fair that potential sperm donors should be able to choose who they choose to donate to?


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Hi Julian and welcome to FF.

As a woman using donor sperm, I thought I'd post back. It's great that you are considering sperm donation. As you will have gathered from the article, there is a massive shortage in the UK at the moment. This is largely being blamed on the change in the law that makes donors identifiable to offspring once they reach the age of 18. So it is great to hear that you are pro this!

There is a fair bit of research that has been done about donor conceived children and what they want to know about their genetic routes - some never choose to know. The important thing about the law change is that it offers that choice.

There are women that work with known donors mainly lesbians and single women trying to conceive. At the moment, there may be other websites that you could find those seeking known donors - this is not one of them!!!!! However, I think I heard that the sale of fresh sperm is to become illegal in Spring 07 so that activity will no doubt go underground.

Personally, I am going through the clinic route and wouldn't consider a known donor. My understanding is that by using fresh sperm, the donor is legally the father which could lead to a whole hornets nest of problems for both parties. By going the clinic route, donors are screened for STD's and for certain genetic conditions that may be passed down. There is a restriction on the number of families that can be created and as a donor you do have the right to specify the type of people that your donation goes to i.e. if you didn't want single women to use your sperm, you can specify. You also complete a form which gives you the opportunity to provide information that will be made available to the child when they reach the age of 18 (or 16 if they are getting married). You can also provide information which can be provided to the parents if they request it, to enable them to talk to the child about its genetic routes as it grows up.

Although there are restrictive rules & regs that are in place for the clinic route as what they do is regulated by the HFEA, I would encourage you to not rule it out! As I said at the start of this message, there is a dire need for sperm donors! Can I suggest that you read through the information for donors that is available out there. Here are a couple of links that might help for the HFEA http://www.hfea.gov.uk/cps/rde/xchg/SID-3F57D79B-AC0A96F6/hfea/hs.xsl/271.html and the National Gamete Donation Trust http://www.ngdt.co.uk/welcome-ngdt/

I hope that helps and good luck in what you choose to do!

Lou


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## Julian (Nov 18, 2006)

Thanks for your replies.

In all the cases it must be thought of as what the child wants to know when they are born.  It is totally clear by surveys and discussions that children want to know their genetic father.  I would want that to happen.  I would much prefer there to be contact from the very beginning and not in 18 years time.

As far as the lack of sperm donors is concerned, it is up to clinics and the law to catch up with what some men want.  If I wanted to donate, I would want to meet the couple or single person first and get to know them and their lifestyle.  It is clear that I would be acting in the best interest of any future child to ensure that they are acceptable parents to me.

Everyone thinks that the lack of sperm donors is because a child might come and find you.  It is not from my discussions, it is from the fact that the child that comes to find you may be someone you never wanted to come into this world because of their parents - by meeting the parents the increase of donors would be better - so UK law and clinics - change the way you do things, or the lack of donations will continue.

J


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Julian

Welcome to FF!

I dont know whether you are aware, but considerable counselling and assessment is undertaken by all UK clinics before any assisted conception is undertaken to ensure the welfare of the child and the suitability of couples to be parents.  Therefore if you go down the route of donation through a clinic you can be pretty certain of the suitability of recipients.

Can I just ask, because I'm not clear, are you considering becoming a donor?

I am currently undertaking treatment as an egg-sharer which means that half of my eggs will be donated to a recipient needing donor eggs.  I have no concerns at all about the suitability of the woman/couple as parents as I have confidence in my clinic to assess their suitability and act responsibly in this respect.  Similarly although the child will be entitled to look for me when they are 18, I in no way see myself as their mother, merely as an enabler.  It's perfectly clear to me that the parents of any child born through my donation of eggs, will be those who have nurtured and loved it throughout it's life.  

Perhaps if you are considering sperm donation you should have a chat with a clinic counsellor about some of the moral and ethical dilemmas before making a decision.

Take Care and Good Luck whatever you decide to do!

Amanda


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## Julian (Nov 18, 2006)

Talking to a counsellor is all interesting I am sure, but for me I must meet the potential parents.  I am sure the clinic are good, but I have a total right to decide who I donate to, and if the clinic says the only way that you can donate is if you are not permitted to meet the parents then fine, but it is the parents who suffer.  Put it this way, would the clinic say "a donor is out there and wants to meet you, but we cannot allow that so the donor is not prepared to donate"  - pretty harsh.


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Julian,
If you are considering sperm donation then that is very admirable of you. However I have to disagree with your insistence on meeting the potential parents. You could meet a couple who are desperate for a child, and they could be the perfect parents, loving, kind, nice home, financially set up etc etc BUT if you met them first and had a personality clash or took a dislike to them, then you could choose not to donate to them for that reason alone. This strikes me as most unfair. The couple could be the ideal couple/parents who deserve a chance at their dream as much as the next person, but because of a personality clash you would be denying them that chance.
To donate sperm to me runs along the same lines as to donate eggs - to help childless couples achieve their dreams. By picking and choosing from potential parents then it seems you would be donating for all the wrong reasons. You want the perfect family for your child - ie. you are seeing the sperm you donate as a child and not as an "enabler" which would probably be picked up in counselling, hence the need for counselling.

Sorry if I have offended - just adding my opinion to the debate.

Tracy


Julian said:


> Put it this way, would the clinic say "a donor is out there and wants to meet you, but we cannot allow that so the donor is not prepared to donate" - pretty harsh.


In your case it could be the clinic say "your donor has met you but has decided he doesnt like you or doesnt think you would be a suitable parent, so is not prepared to donate to you"

Just as harsh I would say.



Julian said:


> I would like to discuss some issues with sperm donors knowing their biological fathers as I believe everyone should know their fathers.


As a sperm donor you wouldnt be a father Julian, the mother and father are the couple you donate to. Your sperm just enables them to achieve their dream.


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

My reasons for suggesting you see a Clinic Counsellor were just as Tracey has outlined, you seem perhaps a little confused about what moral and ethical role you would play as a sperm donor.  As Tracey says you are not entering into a parenting arrangement you are merely a facilitator of someone elses dream.

Furthermore, I am puzzled as to why you would consider yourself more able to assess a couples suitability to have a child than a clinic with trained professionals in the field would?

I think you also need to understand just how awful infertility is for couples, the emotional rigours they go through in order to achieve their dreams, the financial, physical and emotional costs involved.  No-one would go through that unless they had total commitment to becoming good and capable parents.  Everyone who uses this site, deserves their dream to come true just as much as anyone without Infertility Issues who commits to becoming parents.  Perhaps you need to have a look around some of the other boards to help you appreciate just exactly what this journey is like for the couples going through it, this may help you to understand what you could be contributing to and allay some of your concerns about how the process works.

In the meantime, I would like you to bear in mind this site is for people to receive and offer support in a non-judgemental and nurturing environment at a time in their lives when things are very hard.  

Amanda


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## Julian (Nov 18, 2006)

Interesting that everyone so far puts the rights of the parents over the donor.  Sorry my choice who I donate to.  I have seem some horrendous parents that I would never ever want to bring up my biological child and they have received donated sperm, and then following the story they split up, or the male was/is involved in crime etc etc... no way would i ever risk someone knocking on my door without meeting the parents.


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## Pilchardcat (Feb 1, 2003)

Hmmmm, you would need to be a trained fortune teller as well as a sperm donor then eh ??


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Julian

If you are uncomfortable with the concept of sperm donation for moral, religious or personal reasons then perhaps you have to consider whether it's for you or not?!

Any choice you make has to be within the realms of what is available currently within the realms of the law and clinic protocols.  If that makes you uncomfortable then dont do it - I'm sure no-one on here would expect you to get involved in something you were uncomfortable with.

I am with Cleg though, I'm not really sure what it is you are hoping to offer or gain from this supportive environment?

Amanda


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## ~debs~ (Nov 7, 2006)

Julian

I would have to agree that I would be questioning whether being a donor is in fact right for you.  Have you actually questioned your suitability to be a donor other than your ability to fill a cup.

This site is designed to be a supportive and informative one to those who are in need and not merely a place where you can come for a debate.  I would suggest that if you are merely looking to debate this issue that you find a more appropriate audience and venue.

Debbie


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## ~debs~ (Nov 7, 2006)

Julian

I would also like to ask you 'have you ever donated blood'. Would you refuse to do so if you felt that the person was 'horrendous' and you deemed them to be unworthy of your blood.  If you were to be an organ donor would you ask for a clause that the recipient would only recieve your organs if they were 'an upstanding member of the community'.  I agree that there are those within society who fall short of fullfilling their role as parents.  Unfortunately there are also those parents who have done everything possible for their children who have then 'gone off the rails' despite coming from a loving and supportive home.

Debbie


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## PoppyD (Nov 20, 2006)

Hi Julian

I'm not in the position of being a donor of eggs or a recipient of donated sperm but I am struggling to see where you are coming from?
If you are just wishing to be an amazingly giving human being who wishes to help someone achieve their dreams and become parents then that is fantastic. 
But your threads are coming across as someone who sees themselves as starting a family and are carefully choosing a perfect mother to bear his child - if this is the case then surely you should be finding your perfect partner to start a family with rather than donating sperm to a stranger. 
It may just be the way your posts come across but I'm afraid to me rather than you finding other potential parents unsuitable I would find you as a donor totally unsuitable.

Regards, Karen


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