# Who did they speak to?



## Echo (Feb 3, 2014)

Hi all I was just wondering who did your sw speak to (apart from references, if anyone?). 

Some info says that they contact other people such as close family, support network and other people who may be 'significant'. I wouldn't want them speaking to my brother at all, but he may be significant as he has children, my nephews who I'm close to who would be LO's cousins.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Echo

We are still on stage 2 of process but our SW is only going to speak to 3 of our referees. Nobody else. 
Don't know if that's the same for all agencies but other people i know who have adopted are the same, i.e. SW only spoke to referees. 
We chose our main support network friends and family as referees anyway. 

Hope this helps.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

For me they spoke to my parents and DH's parents plus my sister who has two children as we're very close. Bear in mind if there is a problem between you and your brother they'll want to know what it is and why. It's important to them that littlies aren't involved in any family conflicts so if you're close to your nephews but don't get on with your brother this will raise questions, just to prepare you for this.

I have a lot of siblings but they didn't speak to any of them, just the sister who lives very nearby with her own children.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

1st time some of the references and my mum, 2nd time, some of the references and the SW also spoke to my brother as we had but him down as guardian should anything happen to us, but I think that this was more because he and his wife had recently split and she wanted to have covered anything that could be raised at panel.


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## Echo (Feb 3, 2014)

Thanks all. I feel it could b 50/50 at the mo, I guess I won't know till they say! I am prepared to talk about my relationship with my brother (I keep rehearsing what I will say!) but I'm hoping that they'll leave it at that, rather than actually speak to him as well. 

As it's different from speaking to the references do they talk about different things? Maybe just 'what do you think' and are you supportive' or do they delve into the 'how will they cope' and 'have you any concerns' type questions..? I couldn't count on him to be positive if they really probed, in fact he'd like the opportunity to sound off and then say well it's not my fault..they asked me!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think with new time scales some of the niceties like meeting wider family aren't happening as much. Our sw just meet referees but the family one was my parents who we also put as guardians if the worst happened.  I would be surprised if they want to meet him but can't promise they won't.  Especially not knowing the reasons you are on bad terms. Good luck.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi


Our sw visited 3 references and then visited my in laws. She did say she was going to visit my folks abut never got around to it. 
She couldn't visit the two references due to the distance, so just had to go by the paperwork the references had completed.


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi,

Our SW visited both sets of our parents today (for 5 hours) and she's also visiting my best friend. On top of the visits she also received 6 written references xx


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## Echo (Feb 3, 2014)

Wow that's thorough! Thanks for all replies.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi echo
For us they visited 3 of our written references and also did a telephone interview with one that lived further away. They also visited my best friend and asked for written refs from our employers. 
Also bear in mind they will contact any ex partners and they are likely to ask lots of questions about family conflicts! 

For us, refs were quizzed about our decision to adopt, how we copied with IVF, our strengths, weaknesses in relationship, how we would cope with a child or children etc... They tailor it to suit the info they need and to tie in with what you have already told them.

Hope that helps x


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

Initially we had 3 references interviewed - 2 of our joint friends known over 10 years and my BIL as he will be testimonial guardian for LO. 


Then they suddenly said very late in the process that they had to visit DH parents as we told them we were very close & would be good support. We were specifically told it would be an informal session lasting no more than 1 hour........that then on the day it turned into a full reference interview that took 2 1/2 hours - i was not impressed we had effectively been mislead. It went well, but DH parents were very anxious about why it had taken so long given what they had been told.


Also we both had employers referenced.......DH was told that his current employer had only known him 2 years so he had to have last two employers.


We also had references for volunteering experience, which was two for me and one for DH.....despite given details at the start of the process these were left until the last moment so had to be done via email, and at approval panel it was noted that they questioned whether they could be trusted as they weren't signed!!!!


Also had to have both our ex partners written references, despite no children involved in the relationships. We struggled to get DH ex contact details, but they insisted and had to get a friend of a friend t get them via ********!


What i'm saying is we had loads done, but i think it was overkill and not sure all SW would have done the same, ours was just "cautious" shall we say!


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Our VA had 2 friends as references and 1 relative, and saw them all in person. One of the friends has children but for some reason best known to themself decided to say they couldn't comment on how we are with children (I have met their children several times but I think hubby had at that point only met them once - perhaps that was why). They then talked to (not sure if by phone or in person, can't remember) someone that I volunteered with (so therefore they had no idea if hubby is any good with kids!).

But at least it's fewer than some LA/VAs. They are doing the same this time though I don't think they'll be seeing the volunteering person again, as our referees now know how we are with children since we have one of our own.


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## Echo (Feb 3, 2014)

Thanks all. 

I was going to put my parents as a reference but sounds like they may well speak to them anyway, so might as well make use of any friends who I think would be good!


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I wouldn't count on it, our SW hasn't spoken to my parents (and my in-laws are now both dead - at the time we applied first my FIL was dead and my MIL had dementia).


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## Echo (Feb 3, 2014)

Ok. I guess I'd just rather have them as 'extras' if they want to speak to anyone else though, rather than my brother who I dont get on with.


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