# No picking up and/or holding/cuddling from others



## Iman

Hiya

Little ones have been with us 6 weeks now. DS is 26 months, DD is 14 months.

We have been told from beginning by SWs that no-one else should hold or carry them or pick them up. Or feed them/do any other care. Our family and friends have been pretty good about this (although there have been some persistent 'offenders'!) and MIL in particular has been very restrained though dying to pick up and hold.....SWs said no-one else should pick up or hold because they are still attaching to us and it can cause confusion and hinder attachement to us - they need to learn we are Mummy and Daddy and not go to 'anyone' or think anyone else is M and D.

Mostly I think we and and they are are doing great and they are certainly 'attaching' and have come on leaps and bounds. They call us M and D and will instigate cuddles and things with us....though DD will go very easily to anyone else still I feel but I dont know if that her age

Anyway.....get to the point!!....has anyone else been told of this 'rule' and if so, did you follow it, and how long for? Or has no-one else been told this? Assuming with older kids it wouldnt apply but interested to hear opinion and if and when we can allow people like immediate family, to have a much-longed for cuddle.......

Thanks,

xx


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## cindyp

We were never told this rule but from my experiences I can see the sense in it.

Our families don't live close by so it was not as big an issue for us.  DS was always wary of cuddles and DD hit the 9month clingy stage 8 weeks after placement and wouldn't go to anybody apart from me after that.  My family are pretty good and their attitude has always been that they will ask the kids if they want a cuddle but not press if they don't so tbh it was a few months before my kids would cuddle anybody else.

I think because your children are so young it will be hard for them to realise that you are actually their new parents.  They may use the words Mummy and Daddy but that is because they have been told to call you that.  If somebody had told them to call you Stan and Marge they would probably use those names.  I know it doesn't sound very nice but the truth is that a new forever family is a big concept for them to grasp and at the moment you are just new foster carers for them.  I think the problem is understanding what the SW's mean by attaching.  Both our children bonded with us quickly but although DD is fully attached DS is still not fully attached after 6 years.  I honestly feel this is not just because of the trauma he suffered in his early life but also because, in our ignorance, we listened to our family and friends and treated him in the early days as if he had been born to us.  

I know your family would love a cuddle but I think the SW's are right and you need to tell them to be a bit more patient.  If the kids go to your family members for a cuddle the best thing would be if they had a brief 2 second hug and then said "that was lovely let's give you back to your Mummy now".  It's still early days and you are in the honeymoon stage at the moment.  You will probably reach a point where the reality will hit the kids and they will start grieving for their previous life with FC's.  They will then need to be sure that it is you that they need to turn to to comfort them and keep them safe.

Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear but it is they way I feel.  Also prior to the adoption order whilst you are still going through the LAC review process it is always a good idea to keep the SWs on your side.


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## Iman

Hiya

Thanks for the reply and no, dont worry, I think you are right!! Last thing I want is to hinder any attachment we may have got so far. lol @ Stan and marge!! True though...certainly in the early days when DS said Mummy I know he wasn't referring to me but to FC....and even now, I am not quite sure sometimes. I think I will tell family and friends to back off a bit still and we will stick with the no pick-up or cuddle routine  - they have been pestering me and just dont get  that these children are not like other children at the moment. Most have been good, really good, but others just dont listen and its making me mad!! Anyway, thats beside the point. ( I might start another post to get some stuff off my chest!! ) ..I agree with you that I think we need to not get ahead of ourselves and think we are all sorted. They have come a long way but its still early days definitely.

Still interested to hear any other views or experiences.....or tips and advice to help attachment with two of this age.

Thanks xxx


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## wynnster

Hiya

We weren't told to do it by sw's but we did.  I even took ds to the loo with me a few times if there were strangers at my parents house whilst we were there.

Don't worry about offending people if they don't like it tough, your kids are the most important, if they're good friends then they'll understand!  

Only tip I can think of at the moment is to avoid places like softplay and get along to close contact things like swimming.  Keep going with what you're doing and you will certainly reap the rewards in the future. 

DS has been home almost 3 years and I can still become a bit hesitant in introducing him to people    not sure why as he is fine but i think it's because of my early day fears of wondering how he will be with people and how they will be with him!  Now he is older he susses people out well himself, my uncle the other day wanted a kiss and ds was having non of it, the same day we saw a family friend and ds was perfectly happy to have a cuddle and chat away   

xxxxx


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## Daizy

Hi Iman,
I think it very much depends on the child, and on their life pre placement and what they were used to. Our little one was in foster from birth and luckily had a very secure attachment to her foster carers. Our SW advised us about funnelling techniques and such like however we chose to take the foster carers advice about transitioning – purely because they knew our daughter, our SW didn’t. 
Our little one was used to being around immediate family in her foster home, so she has been cuddled/picked up/fed by her immediate family (i.e. my parents and my sister) since early on - and she’s settled very well. She doesn’t show any signs of insecurity. The one thing I was very careful on was her routine; we have followed the exact same routine she was used to in foster. The only difference has been dropping her morning nap, something which she decided on! True to what the foster carers told us, she loves the company of our family. 
On her last visit, the SW agreed that funnelling wouldn’t have worked for our daughter and said she was glad we hadn’t taken her advice. 
I think you can really only go with your gut, and hope for the best!
D x


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## sallydon

Hi,
I can see why SWs have said this and I think it will set you and your DCs up well for the future.  You can always relax the rule a bit as time goes on.  In the early years, ours would walk over to anyone and had no awareness of 'stranger danger'.  It has been a difficult problem to unstick, particularly at pre-school and school with staff who want to cuddle them all the time.
Good luck on your journey,
SallyD


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