# Struggling :(



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Really need to get this off my chest  

I'm struggling so much in my life right now.  I have an amazing husband and family but I'm desperately unhappy and never show this.  I'm always smiling on the outside but I feel totally broken on the inside.

Iv had three failed ICSI cycles and just about to start the fourth.  I just know its going to end in a BFN as we have such bad quality frozen sperm which fertilises my eggs so well but then fails to do much more.  I know we can't keep going with this bad sperm but I just can't give up on it, I keep thinking maybe there is one strong one somewhere that will fight for us.  But the thought of looking into cycle number 5 makes me feel physically sick  

I don't have many friends because as they all get families, I struggle.  I have nothing in common anymore because all they want to talk about it their babies, meet for lunch at a baby play place etc and it's just so hard.  My best friend knows what I am and have been going through for years but it seems like she isn't even bothered, she will ask me about something and I can tell she isn't listening and then she will just go on and on about her baby.  I know a lot of mums probably do this and believe me, it's not that I don't think she should and it's not that I think I should get special treatment around her, maybe just a little consideration!  Like I have for her, I ask her questions about her baby, I cuddle her and play with her but then I try to talk about non baby related things or my treatment and I just get ignored and back to baby stories.

Then my family with children, when they are being badly behaved, I get the 'why are you paying for this', 'I wish I had your free life sometimes', 'do you really want to spend all that money on a baby when you could travel the world.....have lie ins.....go out without considering a babysitter etc'.  I am just about to start my fourth ICSI and these comments are just not funny anymore, they don't bring me comfort and they are not neccessary and are totally insensitive.  But because I always paint on that smile, I think my family sometimes think ICSI is just easy and if I get a bfn, it don't matter, I can just try again.  They have no idea of the emotional impact that this is having on me.  Why don't they google this like I would if I had no clue how something could affect someone else?


Anyway.......sorry for such a long post, I do feel better for getting this out.  Apologies if it sounds totally woe is me, I know there are other people in much worse positions than me which does make me feel guilty sometimes when I moan but keeping this inside is just adding to my misery massively


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Daisy - I couldnt just read your post and not write something back.   
I wish I had some answers for you on how to make this whole thing easier but gosh if I knew that I wouldn't feel so similar to yourself  
All I can say is here won't be like that, a fact that doesnt mean a 'friends' comments stop stinging, and doesn't mean that people around you will magically grow an aura of sensitivity, sadly they'll probably always be the well meaning misunderstanding falted humans they are (but we love them anyway right?) 
Bu what it does mean is when it gets to much you can come her and have a virtual hug from a whole group of ladies the really understand, not just that moment of ''grrr' but also the journey made before it and the journey still being made.

Never apologise for needing a place to share and vent and laugh or cry, we are all here with out own lows and highs doing just the same 

IF has thrown us all some curve balls but shes also given virtually every couple who've ever faced her a stronger more compassionate and empathic understanding of  our own emotions and others, alongside what it means to dream with our heart as well as minds. 

Maybe write a letter explaing how you feel, a guide if you want as to how they could help you more, even if you never send it maybe writing it would help you work out what you can do/change to try and find more happiness in time spent with those close to you, and if you do send it maybe they'll see the barve woman they probably all admire (even with their limited understanding of what is really happening in your life) could do with a hug, cup of tea and the same support you go out of your way to show others. 

Some of the ladies I've met here have truely bowled me over with their courage, I hope you find your mojo soon, maybe its been hiding with mine


----------



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Thank you for your reply Bubble  

I actually feel a whole lot better for just writing this here.  Your suggestion for writing it down is also a useful one and I will most definitely do that, not to give to anyone though just so that hopefully writing it there takes it out of my mind for a while!

Iv read some signatures and thought wow, you have been through so much and you still have the courage to carry on and I never thought I would be on cycle 4 either, was quite naive thinking id be one of the lucky ones but hey ho, reading their signatures spurs me on especially when at the end of a heartbreaking signature, they now have a little one!

Haha, maybe our mojos are hiding together, if I find mine, I will send yours back  

Lots and lots of luck for your OTD


----------



## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Dear Daisy,

Feel very sad that you are feeling like this, that you have to put on a brave face to everyone and not show your true feelings    

I have been having counselling and have been adviced to keep a diary of how I am feeling which has helped. It feels like writing the words is  somehow a release of the tension. 

Your family sound like they are supportive, could you not talk to them about how you are feeling, in particular, DH? If they don't know, they can't help you. Or, if you find that hard, like Bubble suggested, a letter to get things out in the open. 

I do know how you feel about "baby club". I am sure that our friends do not mean to be insensitive, but unless they have been through treatment, they will never know how it feels so fail to understand. But, like you say, a little bit of interest in us would be nice!

This maybe a very insensitive question, but have you and DH discussed the sperm issue? I see you mentioned this in your post.I only ask this because DH and i have recently discussed DE as a possible option if our next cycle fails. It's early stages, but the seed of thought is there if need be.

Take care

Barbs x


----------



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Hi Barbs, thank you for your lovely response  

You are totally right, unless people have been through this, they really don't know the extent to which is affects you.  I am so open with my DH and talk all the time to him about how I am feeling, he is very supportive keeps telling me that it will work, it's just a matter of when. 

We haven't discussed donor sperm because we have been advised that with our high fertilisation rates, it's just a matter of getting one that is strong enough to continue.  But how many times are we expected to do the same routine and the same outcome in the hope that just one is strong enough.

I think if this cycle fails, we need a second opinion from elsewhere.  Have been reading about a Dr Ramsey so maybe that could be our next step, we just need someone to say one way or the other, that we should persevere or we should quit and to be honest, if we were told to persevere, we would go on and on until it worked!  Its just being in limbo that's difficult.

I can't believe how much of a weight I feel has been lifted just by posting this here and getting responses that don't think I'm being OTT.  I usually get the feeling that people are trying to say 'just remember, there are people worse of than you are' when I'm feeling teary about things!

Thanks again and so sorry to read of your mmc


----------



## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Daisy,

One of the girls on my clinic thread is hoping to see Dr Ramsey soon re a second opinion, I believe that he is very good. Would it be worth seeing him first before you start your next treatmet?, he may have different suggestions re treatment plan.

Glad that you feel better for posting. You say that you get the feeling that people are trying to say that other people are worse off than you. Well, maybe they are, but you are not them and this is happening to you and therefore it matters    (as you can see, the counselling is working for me   )

Good luck

Barbs x


----------



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

I'm glad you think that way, it's true and I'm definitely going to start thinking that way too!

Our treatment starts in 12 days but I will contact Dr Ramseys secretary and see if we can either pay for a phone consultation or manage to be squeezed in somewhere beforehand!

Happy for you that the counselling is doing you good, my clinic have reminded me a couple of times that the counsellor is there waiting if I need to see her so I might just take them up on it, nothing to lose I suppose and by the sound of the way you are feeling, potentially lots to gain


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

I wanted to say something but see that barbs has already said it. I'll just reinforce it for you ;-)

If something is causing you heartache then it's important. Don't ever compare your hardship to others as you just don't know how much or how little it hurts. This journey is about you so you wallow when you need and laugh or cry too, all without guilt. Your feelings are as valid as anyone elses.

And there is one thing better than writing it all down, and that's talking to a counsellor. Having someone listen and take your woes seriously will feel even lighter still.

Katxxx


----------



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Thank you Kat  

I admire your strength to go through everything that you have done, your signature made me very sad for you, I wish you well in your future x


----------



## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Hiya again, just me.  Don't apolgise for ranting being in exact same position as you I know exactly how you feel, we are waiting to start FET but are already thinking bout next step if that fails! We have talked about donor sperm and adoption but not sure where to go, just feel so sad! Like you all my friends are like oh well try again, or wish we had your freedom, they have no idea! My other friend just accidentaly got pregnant for the 3rd time in 3yrs argh!!!!!!!!!!  Feels good just to vent on here sometimes and talk to people who understand exactly how you feel xx


----------



## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

hi 
i know hw u feel, im in the middle of a fet it will b my 9th tx, we have decided if it dosnt work out to persue surrogacy via india as our last attempt as over the last 17yrs we have tried everything else, ive lost count of the number of times other women have made me feel excluded,


----------



## Loui32 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi DaisyChain
I just stumbled upon your post while trying to find some comfort...Seriously, I thought I'd written it myself for a second there. I know exactly how you feel.
We've had a couple of BFNs, one blighted ovum when we thought we'd finally cracked it, and heading for another BFN (I know 100% my FET hasn't worked, despite OH's protestations to stay positive).

This journey is so hard and each day takes such a toll. Like you, my life has been turned upside down, and what for? Still no guarantee that we will have a family at the end of it. I've lost most of my friends because they all have children and I avoid them. It's even ruined my relationship with my only sister as she got pregnant just after my first failed ICSI (now has a little boy) and just got pregnant again a month after my blighted ovum m/c. Spending time with her hurts so much. I hate that infertility made life so painful and that it has ruined all my relationships. 
We still owe money from our last ICSI because it cost so much with immune treatment and my OH's TESE, so can't afford to start a cycle any time soon. And if things couldn't get any worse, my OH has just been made redundant. 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread by seeking sympathy. I just wanted to say that I felt like I could have written your post word for word! 

I too have been considering an appt for OH with Dr Ramsay for a while, although I'm not totally sure what he would say. It seems that MF is particularly difficult to treat and that many clinics don't have the knowledge to address it.

I wish you lots of luck with this cycle and hope that you won't need your appt with him.

xxx


----------

