# Letterbox help...



## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi All,

We're just awaiting our formal agreement to be drawn up but have been advised to have a letter ready as no update has been given to bf for over a year, so, I want to get ahead of myself and start writing so its not something I end up dreading doing as I am happy to do it, but if I'm honest Im not sure how to word it all, I was told we had examples from our prep course but as usual we haven't its just a typed list of things to consider including, great!

Im wondering if theres anyone that would possibly be willing to share a dummy copy of theres with me, names etc excluded obviously, just to give me a basis idea to start on? I don't really want to sign it from him as its clearly not at the age of 18mths and and I'm not comfortable signing off with our first names which it advises in the list, reason being my first name is quite traceable on ** due to spelling and I know they're on there. Little mans name has been changed due to security etc so Im guessing in the letter I'll need to refer to him as previous wont I.

If anyone can give me any ideas via pm I'd be extremely grateful but understand if its not something anyones happy to do...

Thanks in advance x


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

hi lovely..

I saw you post and wanted to offer my advice.  

we have a three year old and a 20 month old!! 
I did a newletter....set it out like a page from a newspaper in columns gave them all a title and wrote underneath.  

that way I avoided writing our names and birth mums name...
included that we had been on holiday, little one was walking,  big one had started nursery, abit about there relationship as brothers..
hope this helps xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi WP we've just done our first also. I was at a loss as to where to start also but just sat down and wrote it like I was writing to one of my relatives but keeping info sparse so no specifics.
Our lo has also changed name so yes refer to them as birth name (which feels odd when you're doing it). I gave details of developmental stages etc so the fact he's almost walking. What we did for his birthday, what his favourite toys, food, TV is etc. a bit about how he's settled and things we like to do including seeing family etc. we also said about having been away on holiday. All these things but no specifics, so not where we went, not what actual groups we do etc.
In your formal agreement you need to state how you'll be signing it off so maybe have a chat with sw about that. For us it is just our first names which obviously is no good for you. Do you have a middle name you could use?
Because we did foster to adopt we had to write in a contact book for bp's to see at each contact session so it wasn't quite our first experience of writing to them and we'd already signed by our first names then so just continued.


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks both  

Becs, fab idea regards the middle names, Im adopted myself so could even use my pre adoption name which I use as a lot mixed in passwords etc so is quite familiar to me to use it, good plan! That was my main concern I think as I want it to be from us and not him if you know what I mean x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

No it definitely should be from you. When little man is old enough to fully understand, if we are receiving contact letters, then I will let him decide if he wants it to continue as us Writing or if he wants to write himself.
It's a minefield isn't it, such a hard thing to do and as you say no real help from ss as to how it should be done.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Sorry to Gatecrash, becs you mention on the signed agreement it should say how you communicate? We signed one but I don't think this was mentioned?! We can't use first names due to placement issues but thought we'd just sign off 'adoptive parents' does make me feel like I'm lowering my title of mummy though /-(.

On the name change thing, we've done the same...I said to the SW last week it seems odd we'll be writing to them referring to them as X an Z not Y an U it almost seems like it's a lie? Do you feel that too?? I wondered if I could get away referring to them as 'the boys' but then need to include individual parts too!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

We have signed off our as ****** adoptive mum and dad because that is exactly what we are. It felt strange at first but now, after all our hard work I'm quite indignant about it. 

Wp - I'll send them when I get home xxxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I think at the end of the day it had to be whatever you feel comfortable with. We are these childrens mummy's and daddy's at the end of the day and bp's know that. For us as we'd already done contact book with them as our first names when we weren't little mans mummy and daddy we have carried on as we started. 
I don't think there's a right or a wrong as such it's what you feel happy with. It does feel awkward referring to little man by birth name but that's a necessity. It's been changed to protect him so they mustn't know it's been changed so we do it.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We found the letterbox co-ordinator was helpful with little questions about names etc.  Bug's name was changed, but the BF members we're writing to know the new name because it was done pre-placement, and send us cards with his new name so that's okay.  We sign off with first names and I generally try and avoid using 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' throughout, though I don't jump through hoops.

I'm going to share my anonymised example of the second letterbox letter we sent after Bug had been home over a year.  I should say that the BF member I'm writing to was in no way to blame for Bug's situation, and in fact had been incredibly supportive and brave and very generous.  We'll be forever grateful to her, which colours how I write.  I know it'll be different writing to BMs especially where neglect or abuse has been an issue.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

2014

Dear X

How quickly time passes!  I can't believe how much Bug's been growing lately.  He's starting to wear age 3-4 clothes and is now 94cm tall!  Every time I think we've got a good stock of well-fitting trousers, I turn around and they're flapping round his ankles and I'm going shopping again...  He's definitely in a "I choose my clothes!" phase, and loves to ask if it's a pyjama day today.  He does love to be comfy!
DH took him to meet some friends lately (he was the only man in a gaggle of mothers and tots!) and very carefully chose his outfit, which made me giggle.  I thought it was just me who likes to make sure he's 'nicely turned out'.  The thing is, Bug looks super cute whatever he's wearing.  His favourites at the moment are his Minion t-shirt or his Spiderman top.  Or possibly his dinosaur onesie.
He still does everything at 100 miles an hour.  When we go out, it's always, "let's run!" unless he's on his bike, which he gets cross with because it doesn't go fast enough!  He loves to be outside.  In summer we do a lot of walking and having adventures outside, throwing sticks in rivers or jumping in muddy puddles.  He loves messing about with water, whether it's out and about or in the garden.  Last summer when it was hot he nearly lived in the paddling pool!
We went camping last summer, too.  We were a bit anxious about it, as Bug was still firmly in the tantrums stage back then, but he was an absolute star.  We stayed close to a beach and he had a blast, demanding we bury him in the sand all day.  I've never seen a child so happy to be covered with sand!
Summer was also when we potty trained, and he took to it really well.  We waited a bit longer to go for dry nights, and he's mostly got that now, with a few mishaps we're not worried about.
The tantrum stage is pretty much over, thank goodness.  He still gets cross quite easily, but he's much better at saying and understanding why, and at working out what we all can do to make it feel better.  He's very much a little boy now, his face has lost that baby shape and he's simply gorgeous.  He talks very well, and can get across quite complex ideas now.  He loves being read to, and pretending to read stories to us, which he's brilliant at.  His favourites are The Gruffalo, The Gingerbread Man, and anything with Charlie and Lola in it.  Do Siblings like to read, or did they when they were younger?  He's started working on his letters, and he likes sitting down with his childminder and having some one on one time with "sounds" but I don't think he really recognises that a letter has a shape and a sound and makes up a word yet.  It's very early days, anyway, so no-one's worried as long as he's enjoying it.
He has some time with a childminder and some time at a nursery at the moment, plus one day at home with me and one day at home with DH, and then soon he's going to start at the nursery connected to the school we hope he'll be going to.  Of course, he won't start school proper until September 2015, but it will be good to get him settled sooner rather than later.  They're really lovely and friendly and supportive and I'm sure they'll adore him as much as we do.  He'll still have some afternoons with his childminder and some afternoons with us, so I think he'll have the best of all worlds, childcare wise.
He still loves Peppa Pig, but he's also got a big thing for Fireman Sam and for most things on CeeBeebies.  He loves movies, too, and now has an enormous DVD collection.  Recent favourites have been Despicable Me, Toy Story 3 and Monsters Inc.  He's surprisingly good at playing on the CeeBeebies website, too, under our careful eye.  He's definitely a dab hand at the mouse and loves anything techie – phones, tablets, computers.  But I think I like it best when he tells us to turn off the telly and play with him.
Cars, railways, fire engines and telephones are still big favourites with him, but he also loves odd little random toys like a Happy Meal purple minion or a small Alex the Lion from Madagascar toy or a Puss in Boots from Shrek.  He pretends they're doing things like tidying up or eating or drinking (or peeing in the toilet!) and sometimes he praises them for doing good things or tells them off for "not being helpful."
Bug definitely likes to be in charge (and sometimes has to be reminded he's NOT in charge, just so that he doesn't get stressed out trying to manage everything!) and enjoys telling us what to do.  He's quick to point out if we're doing something we ought not, but he's lovely at praising if we're getting things right according to his standards!  Then it's all, "oh well DONE!" and "that was very helpful...."  I kicked the ball back to him on one day out, and got a hearty "GOOD job!" which made me glow for days!
His favourite food is anything with sausages, or anything with chocolate.  He still talks about his birthday last year where I made a dinosaur chocolate cake with smarties.  Every cake now has to be "smarties cake, peez!"  For his birthday, we invited a bunch of his friends to a local soft play and they had a blast.  We had balloons and goody bags and cake, and all the things that small boys connect with birthday parties.  He loved going down the really steep slide and encouraging all his friends to join in, even telling DH to help one of his baby friends on the slide.
I wanted to thank you for the lovely Christmas card you sent us all.  It was really thoughtful and generous to choose a card that talks about the special joy there is in knowing Bug has found where he belongs.  It means a lot to us to know that you feel that way.
We had a great Christmas – Bug met Father Christmas twice (the first time he asked for, "everything, peez!" which was a running joke at home: every time he saw a toy on an advert on telly he'd say, "I want that!" and we'd go, "you want EVERYTHING!"  At least he asked politely...  ) and his big present was a balance bike, which was a big hit.  He has his own little tree which he gets to decorate all himself, which mostly means him going and pinching all the stars off the big tree!
We had a special event about fostering and adoption at Church recently, and I spoke to the congregation about how Bug has come into our lives and how thankful we were for him, and how wonderful he's made our lives.  There wasn't a dry eye in the house and it was a really successful day.  I was very proud of him as he behaved beautifully, when sometimes he finds the crowds, lots of children playing, and cake at church a bit too exciting.
Bug loves having friends and family to visit (I don't think love is a strong enough word!) but he does find it a bit stressful, too.  He goes a bit happy-crazy and it's funny to see how calm, happy and relaxed he is when they go home again.  We still make sure we're reassuring him that they will go back to their houses and he will stay at home with us, but when we tell him DH and I aren't ever going away, he now rolls his eyes and says, "I KNOW!" so I think the message is getting through!
Big changes can still make him anxious, which sometimes comes out as anger, which is perfectly natural.  We put a lot of work into reassuring him and helping him understand, and putting the effort in really makes a difference.  It's hard to see him upset, but we're so proud of how he copes and manages and comes to us for love and reassurance.
In general, though, he's giggling most of the time!  He's such a happy, cheeky, cuddly, charming little boy.  
Please let us know how things are with you.
With very best wishes, 

A, DH and Bug.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah AOC thank you for sharing that, what a really lovely letter.
Our letter was nowhere near as long or indepth which I worry about but I guess can be improved upon in the future. We have contact twice a year so will only be updates of 6 months as well which I guess will make things a bit shorter.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Yeah, but like I said, our circumstances are a bit different.  I'm actually motivated by wanting to reassure and encourage the recipient and share positive stuff with them.  I think I'd write a different kind of letter to a BM.

Also, I'm a professional writer in my 'other life' (not the day job!) so I like to write.... ;-)


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Lol well that must help! 
I have so many mixed feelings about BM. On the one hand I feel she was dealt a tough hand and she is who she is because ss didn't do enough for her as a child. However I then look at my little man and my heart bursts with love for him I think how could she not motivate herself to change for him. Especially after having lost 2 others before him. She's not stupid and she's probably not a million miles from where she needs to be to be a "good enough" parent so why can't she do it?


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

It's perfectly natural to feel that way, Becs.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Aoc amazing letter. Do you get replies?

We're every 6 months too and are due our first letter in a few months, it will be over 18months from placement from eldest so i guess will be a lot to write. 

X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

No, sadly.  I wish they would, and hope they will in time.


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Thanks for sharing such a personal thing with us Aoc, your letter was lovely x


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## sugarwatts (Feb 19, 2013)

Hi think this is more of a life line really as don't know who talk to as no one knows anything bout it.i had cancer 5 years ago and  cancer op I had they try to help me still have a baby. 4 years of trying slots more ops and ivf. And still nothing after a lot of heart break and making hard to stop it n go for adoption. We talk about it for 5 years either way going to do it after I can't take any more treatment.we are over the moon we passed panel 2months ago. We got told about new social worker almost straight after. But hardest thing is she told us in email she only work wed thur fri morning. Not good as I work and my husband dose shifts. We have told her that and now still waiting meet her. When we email or call/txt they come back only days she work and answer not a lot of anything we ask. So we feel bit lost at mo what happens now.. What should we do/ask. Can anyone help please??to get this far been a hard road my family are amazing but my in laws have kind of push me away because of not giving them true grand child feeling very rejected laterly.is this normal for in laws to be like this  adoption??


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