# How old is too old?



## scottsmrs (Apr 30, 2013)

I'm sure this has been asked on here before somewhere but just how old is too old to have a baby?  I am 43, I have children from 2 previous marriages, I also had an emergency hysterectomy with the last child nearly 8 years ago.  My partner of over 3 years is 31, he has no children.  At the start of our relationship me not being able to have children wasn't a problem.  About 18 months ago a friend, out of the blue, offered to be our surrogate.  To use her own egg and inseminate at home.  Unfortunately she miscarried our baby at 9 weeks last July and then caught pregnant with her now ex partners baby straight away.  While we were still at the gathering our thoughts kind of stage another friend stepped forward and offered to be our surrogate.  She then met a new man who told her she was not allowed to do it! So we're back at stage one.  Don't get me wrong pretty much all of the time 99.99% of the time I am determind I want to find another surrogate.  Just ever so occasionally I wonder just how old is too old?  Will a child be teased because I'm so much older than all the other mums?  Am I just being selfish?  If this post upsets or offends anybody that certainly wasn't my intention, I guess I'm just getting it off my chest.
Much love
Marie


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

your age isn't a problem neither is the age gap, families come in all shapes and sizes. But i think the 'friend stepping forward' surrogacy approach is fraught with danger. i think if you want a surrogate (especially if you were using their eggs) you need to find someone who 'just' wants to be a surrogate. i'd be uncomfortable with just allowing a 'friend' to get pregnant by my partner....regardless of how well-intentioned it might start off..

good luck though i hope you find a way forward and enjoy whatever shape family you get. 43 is a _bit_ old (i'm 43 too!) but it's kind of all in the mind, just don't dwell on the numbers. life's uncertain so just make the most of it.


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Personally I don't think it's the age that matter's, it's if a parent is loving, caring, responsible and has the best in mind for the child's future that's what matter's!
You could have a younger parent that can offer all of those thing's but equally one of the same age group who is completely irresponsible and doesn't care or appreciate how lucky they are.
The same can be said for an 'older' parent.
If we want to be parent's that's our choice, we don't go into it lightly!! and the amount of pain and anguish that we all go through to hopefully have our little one's is proof enough how much they are wanted and will be loved.
If you want to have a baby hun that's your choice....nobody else's!!
Whatever you decide I wish you well! 
Jen.x
p.s....Congratulations GoldBunny!!


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## lilybird2003 (Oct 15, 2004)

at age 50 my sisterinlaw had twins using donor eggs-she already was mother of 4 and a grandmother (2nd husband did not have any kids).  I'm mid 40's and ttc so fingers crosses


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

It was 2 days after my 49th birthday when I had my lo in December. I don't feel too old, just incredibly lucky  My 'mummy friends' from NCT classes, baby massage etc are all sorts of ages, from 29 to 42.


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## Jacobsmum (Feb 23, 2013)

I think it is more than just calendar age - I was 42 when I had lo. I don't think that is too old at all, but I also have (or had when I was doing the ttc) healthy family history - all my grandparents lasted into their mid eighties, apart from one grandad who made it to 98 - and all healthy until at least early 80s. I might have thought differently if I knew we had a family history of strokes or heart failure in our early 60s, or debilitating illnesses... but then I would have also thought differently if I had not been single.
I figure it's probably best not to try to have a baby in your mid fifties if your family tree doesn't have many branches reaching 70, unless you have wider family and/or a younger partner who will be around to ensure any child has all the love, care and support they need well into adulthood. I see it as important I am around for as long as possible, as healthily as possible. 
I read an article last year in the guardian weekend about a woman who conceived naturally (after her previous 4 children were grown-up/ teenagers) at 51 - she had a baby girl. Both healthy, all well, and lots of family around. 
I think that I have different gifts to bring to motherhood in my 40s than I would have had in my 20s - I have more patience, more experience, more self-confidence, more stability (financial, (ok, so that would have been helped by less IVF!) knowing where I am and what I want to do with my career etc)...
So, I think that there are positives about later motherhood too. I probably also think there is an age that would be too old for me - but you are nowhere near that! 
And thinking about it, do we as a society have a bit of a double standard on what is 'too old' for motherhood vs fatherhood? I think so. Another example of how you don't have to do very much to be a 'good dad', but you don't have to step very far out of line to be a 'terrible mum'. (Too old; too young; having a career; not having a career; working part-time; not working; not getting your figure back in 6 weeks; spending too much time on your appearance; breastfeeding; not breastfeeding; too indulgent with your kids; too strict.....).
All best wishes in your journey
Jacob's mum x


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## urbangirl (Jul 28, 2010)

You only have to look at this board to get an idea of how many older mums there are, you'll have plenty of company!


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## H-cat (Mar 2, 2014)

Maybe the real issue here is the need for a surrogate? Was just something in the news about a mother who did a home-insemination and the surrogate is the 'legal' mother, the parent-couple have split and the woman who thinks of herself as a mother isn't legally so...I think the "how" is a huge factor.


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