# Confused, alone and scared



## zoeward (Mar 26, 2008)

Hello everyone!  Please be patient with me I am very new to all this and am feeling very emotional and delicate at the moment.  

I have been searching the Internet this evening for help or advice from others having difficulties starting a family and I stumbled across this website and thought I would give it a go.  I really don’t know where to start or what to say, I feel very confused and alone at the moment.  

Here goes - My husband Dave and I have been married for five years and have been trying to start a family for three of them.  During those 3 years it felt like all my friends and family were either starting a new family or adding to them.  My younger brother (19 years old at the time) also announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, neither had jobs or a home and defiantly no means to provide for a child, it felt very unfair.  Both my husband and I had been working very hard to try and create a loving stable home that would one day be a great place to bring up a family, I work at a primary school so I have the perfect job and holidays to start a family.  I love my brother very much but I felt he was so unprepared for a family or providing for one.  I felt so jealous and upset when my mum and dad started fussing round them and buying baby bits for them, they knew how desperate I was to start a family.  I wanted to have their first grandchild and I felt very left out and jealous.  They didn’t seem to consider how I felt or what I was going though with my husband.  

Dave and I were referred to a specialist last October after various tests and consultations with our local GP.  I was not given any advice on what to expect and felt very nervous waiting for our first appointment at the hospital.  Since October I have been taking Clomid and have had more internal examinations than I care to think about, I have had an internal scan to check my ovaries and god knows how many blood tests (I have a phobia of needles as well).  We finally got all the test results at our last appointment with the consultant and I was told I have polycystic ovaries.  I felt very numb during the consultation and came away feeling completely useless and guilty, I was stopping my husband having a family!  I was not given any information about polycystic ovaries and resorted to looking on the Internet, the information was either very complicate or very brief and I still feel very confused.  I am now waiting for a dye test and x-ray in May and then I understand we are going to be given the opportunity to try artificial insemination and then if that doesn’t work we will be allowed one go of IVF on the NHS.

I really feel alone, my husband has been wonderful through the whole thing and very supportive but I don’t want to keep talking to him about how I am feeling for fear he might get sick of me. My friends are lovely but again I don’t want to bore them with my problems and if I can actually face going out with them I want to feel normal and not a freak.  

I feel very insecure and low at the moment and just don’t know what to do for the best.  I am not sleeping properly and am constantly tired, I feel so drained and I seem to spend most of the time crying. I keep telling myself that it’s clomid that’s making me feel like this  but I am not sure anymore there just seems so much to cope with at the moment and Dave and I still have such a long way to go.

Thank you for listening (or reading) my story, I feel a little better getting this off my chest.  I look forward to hearing from people who are having similar experiences surely we can’t be the only ones?


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

zoeward

ah darlin you are not alone that is for sure many people on here feel the same as you do      the more you read the more you will know that your feelings towards your brother are completley normal i too felt like this with my brother     

well done for finding this site as it is a god send and i am sure you will get lots of advice and support i know i have

i know how you feel about not wanting to talk to your hubby all the time although he sounds supportive sometimes i find that you say more deeper feelings on here as you know no one will judge you and you wont upset them by saying how you feel and chances are we have all said them before anyway

you will feel better about things love now you have taken the plunge and gotton stuff off your chest so well done for being able to write it all down     

a moderator will be along shortly to give you some links to threads that are appropriate to you if you havent found them already

take care and sending you a  big hug


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## zoeward (Mar 26, 2008)

Wow that was quick!  Thanks for your replies makes me feel better knowing others are going through the same emotions and feelings x


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## wishing4miracle (Sep 7, 2006)

dh says i cant live without the net  always cause im talk to my girls


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## nades (Aug 18, 2007)

Hi zoe,

didn't want to read and run, sorry to here about yout TCC problems but you have defo come to the right place. i myself have made a few lovelly friends on here.

good luck with everything

Nades xx


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## WendyD (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Zoe

Welcome to FF, definitely the right place for support and advice.  There are some lovely ladies on here (as well as the nutters Sarah's mentioned     ).

One of the moderators will leave you some links. It's also worth browsing through the threads under the index tab, amazing what bits of info/help you can pick up there.  The chat room is also a great place to talk to people, sometimes about treatments etc, sometimes just about nothing really.  Sometimes helps just to babble about nothing (or is that just me?   )

Good luck hun

Wendy


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ... I'm one of the nutters ....

Actually, just to say welcome to FF and I hope you get all the advice and support you need from this lovely group of ladies.

Although I don't have any experience of PCOS, I've been through lots of the emotions too (like lots of the FF ladies) and wanted to wish you good luck with everything.

Julie


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Zoe,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome to the site  .  I can't help with any questions regarding PCOS, but there will be many people on here who can.  I am sorry to hear you have been having a tough time ttc, but can I just say good luck for the future.

Emma
x x x x


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## zoeward (Mar 26, 2008)

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for replying to my post and for being so supportive, its reassuring to know others have the same feelings and worries as me.  I really cant believe how many other people there are that are having difficulty starting a family.

Love From
A not so worried or alone Zoe x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello Zoe, welcome to Fertility Friends. 

You do sound like you need a massive hug right now so 

You have certainly come to the right place for help and support and, not a moment too soon either! I am sorry you are feeling a bit in the dark about it all by your consultants and doctors - I sometimes think they forget how worrying it is for us patients and, how emotionally traumatic it is. To be told you can't do the one basic thing you are designed to do - well, it's soul destroying. 
I won't bore you with the full sorry tale of my IF journey (you can click on my name and go to my profile to read it if you like) but I can honestly say I have been exactly where you are right now and everything you describe as you are feeling sounds just about how I felt at the time. I think you are sounding a little stressed and maybe a little depressed and probably quite unsure, lost, traumatised etc. But that's all ok as that is pretty normal when you are facing an uncertain path. It's difficult to describe to others how this feels, unless they have walked in your shoes, and hard to feel like others who aren't facing the same difficulties actually care.  The clomid will definitely be mucking around with your emotions too - my DH (husband) said he needed a suit of armour when I was taking it. 

Well, I am the mod everyone has mentioned who will be leaving you some links so, here they are.  Please do get stuck right on in, start posting and asking any questions you want to or need answers to. Everyone on FF is very supportive and with such a huge number of people here going through the same things, you will find others who can advise you or just offer you a shoulder to lean on. It's amazing the difference just being able to talk about how you feel will make. 
Anyway, here's those links for you:

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Starting out & Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*PCOS ~ *CLICK HERE

*Clomid ~ *CLICK HERE

And don't forget to have a bit of fun while you are on FF and check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

Wishing you lots of luck and hope to see you posting about soon. 

C~x


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## Tandi (Mar 11, 2008)

Hi Zoe, 
Just wanted to send you a  . I've got polycystic ovaries too and never had any decent info about it - so demoralising. And if you're on Clomid don't feel too bad about feeling down (it really messed with my emotions) ... mind you infertility really messes with emotions, so don't feel too bad about crying anytime.... we've all been there and lots of us still feel   a lot of the time. 
So definitely don't feel alone. 
Have a   and another  
With love
Tandi x


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi zoe ward and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic site full of support and advice.

Im sorry to hear you have PCOS and its great that you have your dye and xray test coming up (HSG) as they can find out if your tubes are blocked or not.

It is really hard when so many people around you are falling pregnant, i remember that all too well and crying each time i heard someones happy news. Although you are happy for them you are more sad because its not yourself.

Kate xx​


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## chickchick (Oct 10, 2007)

Hi Zoe

I just wanted to say as I am new here too and feel exactly like you do.  I don't know where to turn or who to talk too...  

My brother and his long-term girlf are expecting their second baby in June.  They practically flipped a coin to decide who was going to have to be the one to break the news to me.  My brother decided to call me at work with it and it was all I could do to hold myself together for the rest of the day.  I love him dearly and can't wait for my second nephew, but I can't help feeling that he has one already so why isn't it my turn?  I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't have children and I know one of my closest friends is about to start trying so it will only be a matter of time before I hear the 'good news' from her. 

I have been for a million blood tests too, two ultrasounds of my ovaries/womb, the dye test for my tubes etc, etc and every time I get the all clear.  They can't even treat me because there doesn't appear to be a problem.  But since then, we've discovered my DP had a low-sperm count which has since been reduced to nil due to a biking accident about 6-months ago (why, why, why did this have to happen?)

So all my tests count for nothing.  We were all due to start IUI but following disasterous sperm counts from my partner, we can't.  And I am simply devestated.  We're hoping for follow up appts for my boyf but the NHS isn't the most efficient service in the world  

Couple that with the fact that he has three children already from when he was married and I'm truly having a hard time of it.  And I can't keep talking to him about it because he feels guilty enough as it is, but it's all I can think about (and in my darker moments, I find it really hard not to blame him - he will never, never understand what it feels like to think you may never have children).

So Zoe, I totally understand how scared and alone you must feel right now so I am sending you a big hug and lots of positive thoughts so that good things will finally start happening for you    I hope that they put you on the right treatment (maybe the clomid is making your hormones go doolally at the moment and perhaps you need to take a break, but I understand that if you stop taking them, psychologically it can feel like you're reducing your chances of making it happen) - I hope you stop crying too as all it does it make you blotchy (I should know, I spend most of my time crying too...) 

Anyway, I'll let you get on but I hope you're finding this site useful.  As a fellow newbie if you have any tips or advice, I'd be glad to hear of them. 

Lots of love 


Hayley xx


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## MOGS (Apr 6, 2008)

Hi Zoe  
I just wanted to say that you are not alone with the PCOS (although you must have gathered that by all the messages!!)

I am in a similar situation to you. We have been married for 4 years and ttc for 3. Last June i was sent for a lap and dye operation to find out why I wasn't ovulating. They diagnosed PCOS and drilled little holes in my ovaries. They kindly showed me a photo of this the minute I woke up from the op which was something that I wasn't ready for!!!
Anyway, as a result I was put on Metformin and Clomid. I started a low doseage in November which didn't work. I then had to wait ages for AF before starting my second attempt. That made me ovulate but I didnt get pregnant. The third attempt at Clomid didnt work and again I am just waiting for AF in order to start final course of low dose. It gets me down too as I just seem to wait for AF and then get really upset when it arrives as I know I'm not pregnant!!

I am also very new to this website and I have just started reading the Clomid pages and will be probably chatting in there soon. Hope to speak to you and remember that you are not alone- we are all here trapped inside the computer sending hugs and smileys to each other!!

Jules xx


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## lolly79 (Apr 10, 2008)

Oh dear chica, just read your post and had to reply even though you posted a while ago.
You are so not alone in this !!!  I feel so much for you in that I know how it feels to be surrounded by Baby Makin' Machines when you feel as if it's never going to happen. All I can say is Chin Up, and (as I've only been a member here myself for about 2 weeks!) this lot seem really good at offering support and a bit of relief when you feel like you're going nuts.

Good luck and hundreds of other lovely stuff

xxLxx


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