# New to the board - Mixed feelings about having another child



## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Ladies

I hope you don't mind me posting on this board, I have very mixed feelings and really would like to chat to other people who feel the same as me.  I have a lovely daughter who is 5 but due to a very difficult birth and few years after due to PND, daughter being quite poorly for the first 3 years of her life and more recently her being diagnosed with being deaf, we haven't gone full pelt into trying for No. 2.  Then, at the end of last year at the age of 38 I was diagnosed as post menopause.  So, the doctor says the only way we can have no. 2 is to go down egg donation route.  Now, my DP is very happy with 1 child and always said he wanted only 1 but has told me if I really want another he will fully support me and go down that route.  

Obviously as you all probably experience, it is hard when people ask if you have any other children and then look at you in that sympathetic way of "oh you only have 1".  I was an only child (not for want of my parents trying to have another) and I hated it.  I always envied people who had brothers or sisters to play, fight and argue with... as I know siblings do not get on all the time and realistically there will always be some rivalry.  I used to be left alone to play and wanted so much somebody to share my time with, aswell as my memories of childhood and parents when one day they are gone.
My daughter has asked for a brother or sister and we have explained not everyone can have one easily.  But, do I go down the egg donation route which will cost alot of money and isn't guaranteed or just be happy I have 1 perfect daughter?  My friends don't understand as most of them have 2 children so I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.  Thank you for reading my very long post... Louise


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## Bubblicious (Jul 8, 2010)

Louise,

So sorry that you find yourself in this difficult position. I can sympathise somewhat. We are unexplained and I also had a hard time with DS in the early days. He is now coming up the three and a half and sleeps through, is dry in the day and most nights ... basically although he's a normal boisterous toddler but mostly he's easy to look after, fun to be around and life is good except for not being to conceive #2 naturally.

So when we discovered IVF was our only option, I started wondering whether I wanted a newborn again and about the affect it would have on DS's life. Then, when I got two nieces, instead of feeling broody, I saw how tired the new parents were and wondered if I could do the sleepless nights again.

Then, there's the money [our PCT offered us nothing but the first hormone tests and an SA because we already have DS]. We have paid for further tests, IUI with Clomid and now more tests in preparation for IVF.

All these thoughts would probably point you to thinking that I have given up on thinking about #2 but I haven't. During a chat with my DH, he asked if I would regret it more if we didn't try and we got to 40+ and IVF was no longer an option and also said that we only had a small window to have children and a bigger one to earn back the money spent.

I wondered if part of my longing is outside pressure [which should never be a reason for you to have more children if that's not what you want. But I remembered that since I was little, I have always wanted a house full of children [I imagined beign Mum to four!] as I grew up with two siblings and lots of cousins and my childhood was fantastic. I don't want DS to miss out on that kind of support that I had and still have.

So I'm DR for IVF this month and hoping that this is the one .

I hope I have made you feel better about your situation and helped in a little way. Good luck whatever decision you make.


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## Cholula (Apr 13, 2011)

Hi Louise

Your post was sad to read but you sound like a strong person. What a lot you've been through and to be unexpectedly post menopause is some blow.

I too have secondary infertility due to poor ovarian reserve and have been blessed with a beautiful daughter (4yrs). Like you I had a very difficult time giving birth which eventually ended in emergency section and my daughter was very sickly and barely slept for the first year. The thought of having another child did not enter my head for a long time....but yes being asked about it eventually started to niggle and now it seems people have stopped altogether - as if they'e decided it's too late! Well maybe it is but I have decided to go ahead with ivf and start the onslaught of drugs tomorrow. I too was told DE was my only hope but have found a different consultant who is prepared to give it a go with me. I too grew up within a family of 4 and many cousins and always imagined having similar in my future family life. In difficult times I can speak to my sisters like no other friend and when my father passed away we all had and needed each other. I spoke to a friend who is an only child to gauge her thoughts and she said she had a lovely upbringing but would have loved a sibling. My partner is happy with our one child and does not think its necessary to provide siblings but is happy (ish...) to support me and go forward with ivf. Like Bubblicious I have considered the thought of possible regret when I'm older and that is a driver for me too. I think despite the odds and if it had happened naturally I would be very happy, so i am prepared to go through the treatment and emotional and financial pain. When I sometimes think what if it's like the first time and all that negative emotion and difficulty it caused my relationship and wonder if it's worth it again I try to counteract those thoughts with the thought that it might make things so much better, things might be easier as they often are second time round and that complete feeling I'm searching for will hopefully help me be a much more contented person - and I can at least give my daughter a sibling and my life can move on.

So I wish you the best of luck with your thinking and deciding. I'm not great on these sites but I am happy to chat more if you feel you'd like to. I know how difficult it is to find understanding people to talk to about any of this business. And Bubblicious best of luck to you on your first cycle.

C


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## sanfrancisco (May 15, 2010)

I wanted to reply as I know exactly how you feel although our situation is slightly different.
We concieved our ds on our 1st attempt at ivf,he is now 2 1/2.We are unexplained/mild male factor and I naively thought that no 2 may have come along naturally.I'm now 39,have recently failed 2 fresh and 1 fet cycle but will keep on going,always respond well and get 10+embryos.Financially we are struggling but holidays,clothes ,luxuries are immaterial in comparison.I sometimes feel that maybe I want to keep up with the jones's so to speak2.4 kids etc,but no,it runs much deeper than that,I am incomplete and want to see my little ones face when he sees sibling for 1st time.I am also from large family,and close to my siblings.
I would go for it,I know it is hard starting again,but this time you will have the benefit of confidence and experience.


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Thanks so much for all your replies, I feel so much better knowing other people feel the same way. We have talked and will go for an appointment with a DE clinic to discuss the process and make a decision on what we want to do.  Sometimes these decisions are difficult to make and we want to make the right choice.  But, I think I have come to the decision that if we don't do it I may live to regret it and although we will only be able to try once at least I can look back and say I tried rather than I didn't try and it is too late.

I wish you all well on your journeys and hope you have lots of good luck.

Louise
x


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Iknapp I came to exactly the same decision that I could not live with the regret.Ive just had 1st Icssi we decided to give it 1 shot. Well it hasnt worked and im devestated and still dont think I can move on and give up my dream.Guess its early days but I just want another go and Im sure I will feel like that untils it works but dont even know how to broach that with DH.


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