# relationship problems



## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

Hi all, I have had 2 failed ICSI cycles (both m/c) and my DH has been absolutely wonderful throughout. However now all of a sudden he feels he can't be with me at the moment, and thinks that he needs to make a decision on whether we stay together or not - he says he's been thinking this for a few months. He says he doens't know how he feels about me. I honestly don't think it sounds like him at all - we have always got on brilliantly and have never had so much as an argument. I have been very difficult to deal with but at least I dealt with my emotions at the time, whereas DH has obviously bottled things up. I am staying with a friend at themoment but am finding it very difficult - this man is my whole life. I don't think I want to do any more IVF now I've had a chance to think about things too, but don't think DH believes me. I don't have a 'need' for a child, it would have been lovely but I can cope without. At the moment there is no communication between us. DH is just so lost I don't know how to get him to see that it's not so bad and we can have a great future. Any advice much appreciated.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I am sorry that you are having such a horrid time at the moment. Here is a hug for you 

It is very difficult for men. They often don't have a great network of people who they can talk to and find it hard to talk. They often feel more than they want to admit, and prefer to not be reminded of failings and things they can't fix. It is easier for them to go into a cave and not talk than face the problem.
Perhaps he wants a child more than you realise. You talk about your need and how you could cope without a child - but what does he feel? 
Does he say that he feels that you should go and find someone who can give you a child? Does he come across as someone who doesn't want children? Does he just not want to do IVF again?
These are important issues to sort out.
Perhaps you need a fertility counsellor to help you talk at this stage. Ours was very helpful at sorting out feelings and reading what was going on in each of our minds. The clinic should put you in touch with a trained fertility counsellor or you can look on the website www.bica.net
Talking over feelings and getting to the bottom of issues will help you to move on to whatever the next step is for you.
Good luck!

This post contains an unconfirmed link and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

thankyou for your reply. I know it is difficult for men, especially mine, as he had not told his parents about our m/c until around 6 weeks ago, so has kept all his feelings to himself, which is a terrible burden.I think my husband does just not want to do IVF again. I think he would like to be a dad, but this is all too difficult for him. I have spoken to a counsellor this week, but obviously it's better if we go together. He just keeps saying that his head is all over the place and it's all his fault. But that's just not true, we both decided to do this and I think the only way to sort it out is together - not in separate places. I wish I could help him so much,  I could never have wished to meet a better man than him.
thanks
x


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

I was wondering if anyone has any positive stories, where they have had a fall out with their husband, decided then not to do any more IVF and have managed to move on together? Adoption is not an option for us. There seems to be so many sad stories, but there have to be some good ones out there too?
thanks ladies
x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time!  

I haven't been where you are, but I thought I'd let you know my experiences as maybe they can provide you with some hope! When our second go didn't work my DH did say to me that he really just wanted to run away.  That really frightened me, and we talked about it and made a pact that if he really had to run away he'd let me know and we'd run together.

He did find it hard, not least from bottling things up, but I got him along to a counsellor 'to support me' and he just talked and talked, and then went to work the next day and told his colleagues (bless them - they had decided I must have cancer or something as I was in and out of hospital so much, so they were quite relieved!) and felt so much better for it, but it really was hard work to get him to 'let go'.  And when he did, he ended up completely renovating his life (including his relationship with his parents which has been hardest and is still ongoing), and taking 4 months off work to 'find himself' - which I'm pleased to say he seems to have done, with a new career in a totally new area.

We're in a much much happier place than I could have imagined being before, but I don't think either of us could have got here without the counsellor.  She made DH see that he didn't have to go through things 'just him' and sort it all out in his head by himself, and that sharing problems was what being human is all about - acknoledging that something hurts doesn't make you a failure!

Good luck and I wish you the very best in coaxing your man to open up - it sounds like you have a relationship that really is worth fighting for!

Jx


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

That is such an inspirational story, thankyou for sharing it with me! I'm so glad that you are now in a stronger place, and it just goes to show that these situations can work out. I would really like my husband to come to counselling, although I've got to admit I'm a bit scared about what might come out! Saying that though, we're in this position because things have been bottled up.
Things are slightly better, we've had two weeks apart now and I know he misses me and has said he'd like to give things a go. Just not sure what that means to a man - it can't mean just brushing everything under the carpet and pretending it hasn't happened...

thanks so much for your reply!

x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi hon

Myself and my DH split up a year after we knew we would not be able to have kids. I think the break did us both good - he realised that he wanted to be with me regardless, I realised the same and we both also did a lot of soul searching regarding how much not being able to have children together had affected us. At the time there were very few counsellors around so we were not able to have counselling for his, so we had lots of talking to do.

We took things very slowly - we met up and had 'dates' again and made time just for each other and it worked - here we are many many years down the line.

IF can destroy relationships this is true... you both just need to think about what you love about each other and work it through... and I really hope you do hon. Keep the lines of communication open if you can - and try having a look at this on the Relationships sex and bms board to see if there are any pointers in there that may help you work through this (click on the words in bold) *11 Point Relationship Survival Guide To IF!*

Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you both find a way to work through this together.

Much love and a gentle squeeze from me to you 
Emcee xxx


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

thankyou for the advice and I'm glad you and your DH worked it out, it certainly makes me feel more optimistic. I am meeting with him tomorrow evening and I do hope we will be going home together - if not tomorrow then sometime soon. I know there is a lot to work out, not least all the IVF stuff - but I think for now we need to concentrate on each other. I've got to admit I do feel quite cross with him for bottling this all up but on reflection have been caught up in my own nightmare with all this stuff too and perhaps have not made sure he was as looked after as I was.
thankyou
x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Hello - I just wanted to chip in a few thoughts of my own. I know it must be killing you but men sometimes need space. They deal with things differently from us. The worst thing is that we have a need to be close just as the man needs to be apart - and that causes the conflict. As women we just don't understand why men can't be like us and talk it all through; men wonder why women have to keep going over things. Have you heard of the book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' - there are a few home truths in there. The main thing I got from it (which has been useful at times) is that men need to go 'into their caves'. This may be in the form of a shed (!) doing DIY, digging the garden, or it may be spending hours switched off playing a computer game. To us it seems like wasted time - but to them it is a means of survival in a world where they can't always solve problems (I think men are brought up to be problem solvers). He is doing the best he can. You say he has been wonderful throughout - now it's your turn to give him a little space. Be patient. I think you will find he comes back to you. 
Bernie xxx


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

Just to let you know that DH and I are back together at home. Things are not normal yet, but they are okay to good, so I'm hoping we will get there. Thanks for all your help and advice, giving him some space has definitely helped. We've had a good chat about IVF and have decided to just give it a break for a good while (possibly forever if that's what we need to do) and revisit the topic at some point in the future, which is good. I've asked DH if he's confident that things will work out for us and he's said yes, although he doesn't feel he can tell me he loves me at the moment, which I find really hurtful. I think he does though! He's said that he's still trying to work a few things out. I'll hang in there, but he does really need to tell me that, as moving on from this is going to be difficult otherwise.
thanks all
x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi honey

I'm glad that things seem to be moving forward (albeit slowly at the moment) in the right direction for you... I'll always remember what someone said to me when myself and my DH were taking things slowly.... just keep breathing...  sounded crazy to me at the time, upon reflection I think what they were trying to say was just keep taking things one small step at a time.

Love to you
Emcee xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Uglybetty (I feel horrible calling you that ... how about just Betty   )

I'm glad to hear that things are progressing in the right direction for you.  It sounds like you've had some really good chats so far, and I hope that can continue - obviously it's a slow process, but well done on keeping it together this far!

Big hugs

Joanna X


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

Hmm having a wobble today- I think I am finding it a bit hard to be together but not properly together if you know what I mean. I am just impatient and want things back to normal too quickly. I've just let DH know that if he wants to take more time away from me he should, as he's obviously having a lot of problems feeling close to me at the moment and sorting out all those feelings in his head. Maybe you are all right in that men like to do this on their own, in their own time.
We have managed to have some fun and feel like our old selves, but I'm not sure that suddenly being back in the house full time is the right way forward as I am a pest (!) and want to be able to draw a line under it all. I do think that we will get there in the end, somehow, but seeing a way through this bit is a nightmare. I think I might see a counsellor on my own for the time being.
xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I think seeing a counsellor is a really good idea. It will give you perspective and a chance to talk about all your feelings. Assuring your DH that he can take more time to himself is also a good idea. I do feel for you - as I know what I'm like when things seem to be falling apart and I just want to sort it out, but DH withdraws. It is so hard to just let go and trust that he will come back to you. I really recommend that MAFM,WAFV book! In it the author uses an analogy of a rubber band to describe the pulling away and coming back that men do. Remember that the pulling away is slow (and to us women it feels like torture), but the snapping back is fast!
Bernie xxx


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## Daisy8 (Apr 5, 2008)

uglybetty said:


> Hi all, I have had 2 failed ICSI cycles (both m/c) and my DH has been absolutely wonderful throughout. However now all of a sudden he feels he can't be with me at the moment, and thinks that he needs to make a decision on whether we stay together or not - he says he's been thinking this for a few months. He says he doens't know how he feels about me. I honestly don't think it sounds like him at all - we have always got on brilliantly and have never had so much as an argument. I have been very difficult to deal with but at least I dealt with my emotions at the time, whereas DH has obviously bottled things up. I am staying with a friend at themoment but am finding it very difficult - this man is my whole life. I don't think I want to do any more IVF now I've had a chance to think about things too, but don't think DH believes me. I don't have a 'need' for a child, it would have been lovely but I can cope without. At the moment there is no communication between us. DH is just so lost I don't know how to get him to see that it's not so bad and we can have a great future. Any advice much appreciated.


I have just been reading your threadsandin tears as meand DP have just finished our first ICSI treatment with a BFN andmy partner has reacted excatly thesame. Iwascompletely devestated we were not successful and took it badbut hisreaction hascometo acompleteshock for me. He hasnt said he doesnt love me but said he wants to be alone, he wont talk about it but said he does not want to go through another cycle. I have suggested counceling for us both but he says no. Im thinking he doesnt love me when he was even saying we both want different things. I know he would love kids. Ijust dont think he appreciated how intense the whole thing could be. I keep crying all the time and I dont think he can cope with it.Whatdo you think I shall do? Do you think he will change his mind?

Daisy


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## uglybetty (Mar 14, 2007)

Hi Daisy, first of all I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I thought I should post an update which will hopefully make you feel a little better. After spending a little time away from each other, DH and I are in a much better place and are even going on holiday in a couple of days. things still aren't 100% fine but they're a lot better than they were, and I think giving DH some time has helped enormously, even though I can't understand his need for it.
I do think it's a huge shock for men when things don't work and maybe he needs to know that even if you don't have kids you still want to have a lovely husband (I'm assuming it's MF if it's ICSI). I agree with all the brilliant advice from the other lovely ladies about the way men cope with things and that they find it hard to talk about things. He is probably feeling a failure too.
The hardest thing for me is to get off the ttc rollercoaster for a bit, but accepting that we're not going to be doing IVF for a while for the sake of our relationship has done us both the world of good - and has made me see that I do have a great life anyway, that is meaningful and quite great at times!
I think one really difficult thing is that when you get into all this IVF stuff you think, oh we're really strong we don't need any of that counselling or whatever, but you have no idea at the time of the range of emotions you go through - nervousness, joy, grief, anger, hartbreak - all in the space of a few weeks, which is a lot for anyone to cope with and not within the realms of normal life - there is nothing to compare it to.

Maybe give him a little time and take some time yourself? Someone said to me "If your husband's asking you for some time, why can't you give it to him?" which really struck a chord with me - seeing it as your choice to give it, rather than somethng that's forced on to you?  I'm sure things will be fine, I expect you are both in shock still. I really hope things get better soon and hang in there, I know how you feel.

xx


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