# Thorny issue of Ex's-Sorry if this has already been discussed



## AliceinNHSLand (Oct 18, 2012)

Hello All,

I was wondering if I could have peoples experiences of SW's contacting previous partners?

If everyone has had their ex partners contacted or if it is only in certain circumstance? What questions were asked?

Out of everything this is the hardest part of the assessment. The only bit that I am uncomfortable with. It does not seem right that ex partners are included in something like this? 

Am I odd thinking like this. I hasten to add I have nothing to hide! It just seems odd. I understand history shapes who we are and illustrates how we deal with things but exes are that for a reason.

Maybe I am just being a little too sensitive   As I say it is (so far) the only part of this that has given me serious cause  for concern. Thank you for your input


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## melloumaw (Feb 2, 2012)

i dont have any experience of this, but agree i wouldnt want my ex having anything to do with it, he would be spiteful on a purpose as thats his disposition 
all the best
mel x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

They all contact any partners if you have children together or were involved with caring for children together such as they had children you lived with etc. If you have just dated but no marriage or kids I would be surprised if they contacted them.  It wasn't an issue for us I was 21 when I met my husband so although I had dated someone for 4 years and lived in a house share with them at university it was classed as a teenage relationship which it was. 

Sorry I can't give more specific advice but it is quite agency and relationship specific rather than a blanket rule. Good luck.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Our sw didn't contact hubby's ex - they have been divorced 12 or so years and no kids. We were originally told she would be contacted when we had our initial meeting which hubby was not happy about at all (just because it is none of her business rather than any issues between them) but said he would give her details if it was necessary.  However, our sw didn't feel it was needed and there was no issue at panel about it. I guess it depends on whether your sw feels it is something that needs to be explored. Good luck


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

They contact exs due to a case were a girl was placed with adoptive parents and subsequently killed. If ss had spoken to the males ex wife she would have been able to provide information to his violent tendencies. 
If you've been in a long term relationship and there are no children involved I don't think they make contact. If there are children involved they are only looking to see that people are good parents. Sw are aware of vindictive ex partners and can filter out the bitterness.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mostly agency specific but if kids were involved then think this us a must.

Reason being several years back an adoptive parent murdered their child. Ex said had SSs asked she would've told about the domestic abuse suffered and why kids were not allow contact with their father.

SSs are very used to this and exs being exes for a reason. Best advice us talk through your individual circumstances with your SW. Most folk I know have been told yes they will contact but during HS it's confirmed if it's actually needed.

Sometimes an Ex family member can validate circumstances so it's decided there's no requirement.

Good luck and I understand your concern.
X


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

We were told they were counted as worth contacting if the relationship was over a year and you lived together. They took details of hubby's ex from uni who he briefly lived with but I don't think they could ever track her down. The same happened with another adopter we know; they couldn't find the ex.


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Our sw said had to speak to both our ex partners even though no kids and us having been together 15yrs. In the end she ended up speaking to friends who knew us when we were with our ex's as we didn't have contact details fir them.xx


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## tinkerbell80 (Oct 15, 2013)

There are circumstances that they dont contact ex's such as domestic violence we have asked for my ex not to be contacted as he was violent and I still feel that he could cause me problems.


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

They contacted both mine & hubby's ex......i was married & dh lived with ex partner but neither of us had children...... We were told they had to for any "significant relationship" but I guess this would be interpreted differently by different people.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It seems to vary greatly. We didn't have ex partners contacted even though we were both previously engaged, home owners and had been with our then partners 6+ years. We were told that as we hadn't been married and that no children were involved it wasn't necessary. It really depends on your agency/social worker. Good luck!


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

I concur with what has already been said. I have a BC with my ex-DH and he was asked to fill in a form. I am lucky that we have an amicable relationship so they are happy with that. Its only if you have BC and they are involved. 
xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

we were also told they want to speak to any ex's if the relationship was 'significant' for example, been together for more than 2 years, lived together, married, children or even casual baby sitting or caring for children together.


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Like others have said, it seems to be agency specific.  Ours wanted contact details for a partner from our 'last significant relationship'.  Again no children were involved and neither of us were married. Our SW contacted my ex.  She didn't speak to her but did send a short questionnaire that had questions like; How long we were together? Why the relationship ended? Had they witnessed me with children? Did they have any concerns/reservations about my character? (can't remember exactly how that question was phrased).  

I'm still on good terms with her so it was easy and not a problem.  DW had no idea how to contact her ex.  SW took the details she did know and then spoke to other references who witnessed the relationship with similar questions.  My understanding was that they have to make reasonable efforts to contact an ex partner. Hope that helps


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

As all else has mentioned this really does seem to vary from LA to LA and with VAs too. We were both asked in depth about previous relationships, no children involved but my previous 7 year relationship wasn't a healthy one and did involve some domestic violence. I guess were maybe lucky but our SW wasn't interested in the slightest with contacting either of our previous partners, at the end of the day he didn't feel it would add anything to the assessment and was very aware that my ex in particular would likely be nothing but negative and spiteful!

There is a point to contacting ex's if there are children involved but to be honest I really don't see that it's useful otherwise, glad our SW felt the same!


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## AliceinNHSLand (Oct 18, 2012)

Thank you all that have replied!

I guess we sit and wait to see what the policy is then for our LA.

My previous relationships did not involve Step, Adopted or Birth Children but were relatively long in length and we did co habitate so I guess it is a possibility.

Wouldn't know where to start to track them down though as I have been with my Husband for five years (married for nearly three and known each other for over eleven years!) So I guess he would have seen me in those relationships!  

I am glad it is not just me that is feeling less than comfortable about this, I have nothing to hide as I previously mentioned but it seems intrusive on my ex partners lives (especially as they have not known me for many years...) Understandably though as a few of you have mentioned these checks are in place for a reason so certainly would be as helpful as I can  

Thank you all again!


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