# Can you adopt my own nephew ??



## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi all , 

Hoping you may be able to shed some light for me, 

I have done a net search but not be very successful, could any of you advise me, Would it be possible for me to adopt my own nephew? ~ 

I don’t want to go to much in to it at the moment as it’s just in talks but was wondering how you would go about this ?

Or can you private foster etc ? any information would be a blessing right now 
Thank you  
xxx Sara xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi Sara, as far as i am aware if a child is put up for adoption (by whatever means) the first place the social services look is at the extended family to see if a suitable home can be found if not only then they go on to look outside of the family. this obviously depends on the circumstances and what is ultimately best for the child. maybe you could get in toch with your social services and ask for an informal chat.

hope this has helped

pam xx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you Pam, This is such a hard & delicate situation at the moment as my sister is pregnant with 14 weeks to go and confused last night, that she is not prepared to bring this baby up, she is 18 & has no money, has been given notice to leave the house she rents bf is not the best, tho still around i have brough cot, crib baby clothes as much as i can mum has done the pram, car seat etc but i have said i will always be at hand to offer support etc but she asked last night if i would consider having the baby and bring him up as my own, 

Well i can't tell you how much i wanted to shout yes ! but it's a situation that i am worried her homones are all over the place, she may not know what she is saying, is she just trying to do the right thing etc, 

I spoke with Dh last night for ages he said that we could look after the baby till she got back on her feet etc but would always fear if we did take  the baby and bring him up as our son that she would want him back when / if she was in a better place, etc 

I spoke with her again today and she feels the same i am taking her to the midwife next friday and may ask if she needs a doctors appointment to see if she is depressed etc , 

My biggest problem is could  i care and love this baby for a few months then hand him back ?? my heart would rip open i know it , but i can't see him be brought up in a hostel either   


thank you for your advise,  
sara xxxxx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Sara,
My heart really goes out to you as this would be such a tough situation even if you were not trying hard for a child of your own. I can't say I have any solid advice as I don't know how Social Services works in such a situation. However, it does seem to me that you are doing all the right things for both your cousin, in supporting her and helping her get appropriate help, and in considering how you could also support her baby. You probably do also need to think about how you and your DH will protect yourselves as it would be so hard to care for the baby and then one day have him go back to your sister.  I think that Pam's suggestion to discuss this with social services is probably a very good one, if your sister is really not coping they will probably end up involved anyway and I'm sure that their choice would be to place him with family if he couldn't stay with his birth mum.
Viva
XXX


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Sara

I think Pam has given you some great advice, it's easy for your heart to rule over your head or is it the other way around, any way I'm, sure you know what I mean. 

You have thought about this long and hard and YES it would break your heart if you were to start looking after this baby and treat him as your own son only for her to turn around and say well actually I do want him now!

Get some advice and if things do go ahead I wish you lots of luck, make sure every thing is done correctly.


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you so so much for your advise it really helped to just off load it i am going to spend some time with her over the next week or so and see what i can do to help her etc and maybe get her booked in with a counsellor so she can have some space to explore what she really wants, 

I will keep you updated 
Thanks so much xxxx

Sara x


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## smiler73 (Aug 10, 2006)

Hi Sara,

On my prep group there was a couple who was doing just that.  Her sister had had a baby with downs syndrome and didn't feel able to look after him, so they were adopting him.  He is in foster care at the moment while they get approved for adoption, but you may be able to get approved before the birth.  It sounds like you are thinking things through very carefully, and I would only echo the others, make sure things are done properly and protect yourself as far as possible from the potential heartbreak of her wanting him back further down the line.

If you want to talk to some one who has done it I can ask the couple from my prep group if they would be happy to talk to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide!
Nx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you so so very much for replying to me, its been a hard night as we are having treatment at the moment it may be hard to go down the adoption route but have been searching the web like mad & think we could apply to Private foster him & take it from their see what happens with our treatment etc but even if we was to get our long awaited BFP i would still very much want the best for this unborn baby if that ment looking after him i would, 

I'm going to  try and see what support there is out there for young mothers and some kind of classes maybe to show her what to do she is pretty clueless i don't mean to sound harsh, 

I would never jump in the deep end , i have to keep thinking we need to do what's right for him (baby) not anyone else, it maybe that i look after her for a few months teaching her what to do helping her bond and sorting out a place to live, tho this will be hard to ... but i don't want to start getting her to fill forms in etc maybe after a few months she can see how she feels then 

Thank you once again ~ good luck with your course hope it's not long till your accepted  

Sara xxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Mrs H

Welcome. You've had some really good advice from the others. I think it is really good of you to let your sister have time to see if this is right for her and to see if she is in the right frame of mind to make this decision.

If at the end of the day she still decides it is what she wants to do and you are happy to help her, then the first thing you need to do is contact social services.

Here's a web link that may help you....

http://www.direct.gov.uk/Parents/AdoptionAndFostering/AdoptionAndFosteringArticles/fs/en?CONTENT_ID=10021340&chk=crZokx

 This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.UK or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites 

Wishing you and your family lots of luck with this.

Karen x


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

I hope you can sort this out, it must be very hard for you all.

You have had great advice here , just wanted to say I am thinking of you all and hope that it works out right for everyone.

Love Jo
x x x


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you karen & jo ~ i think the best thing i can do is to have her live with us i am at home at the moment so i can help with the baby teach her what to do etc and maybe see how she feels, the thing i dread is her being on her own with him and just walking out because it's too much and even thou 18 you are classed as an adult not all 18 year olds are at the same muture sadly i think she still feels acts 16, 

well baby is not due till 27th Nov so we have 99 days in which to get things organised, 

It has helped me so so much to be able to share this  

will post updates, 

Sara xxx


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Please do keep us updated, it will be lovely to know it has all worked out for you all 

I wish you, your Dh and your sister all the best in deciding what to do.

Take care
Love Jo
x x x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

sara you are a very special person hun, so selfless i think the way you are willing to help your sister out is above and beyond a sisterly role. i truely hope you get everything sorted out and get you long awaited BFP coz you soooooo deserve to be a mummy

pam xx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Ohh Pam  how very nice of you to give me such a lovely compliment   

Thank you so much,

Sara xxxx[br]: 18/08/06, 22:08Thank you all once again for your very helpful advise, 
Sorry to keep asking questions but do any off you know some really good basic childcare books, i have read a few but they are not in as simple terms as i would like them to be for my sister,

Things are still very much up in the air but i am spending time with her in the week and want her to have some books and advise etc on how to bring up a baby, more information the better

As i have not be blessed yet with a baby/child i find it hard giving advise on what she needs to do, what needs to be purchased etc, all the advise i have is from zita west books which i think she would find far too scary,

When you start the process of adopting do they advise any books on this you should read?

Thanks in advance 
Sara xxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Sara

Social Services seem to miss out on the childcare books, they tend to steer more to the dealing with emotional trauma.  

When I was pregnant I bought Dr Miriam Stoppard's "Complete Baby and Childcare Book".  Although my pregnancy didn't last I read most of the book and I think it's quite good.  It has 6 sections

The Newborn Baby
Everyday Care
Play and Development
Family Life
Children with Special Needs
Medicine and Healthcare

It has loads of photos, for example it gives a step by step photo guide to giving your young baby a bath.  Although my adoptive son is a toddler I still refer to the book now as it gives descriptions of childhood illnesses and offers advice for children up to pre-school.  They had a copy in my local library so you can check it out before you decide to buy like I did.

I think it's a great thing that you're trying to do.  It's not easy, my youngest sister was 17 when she had her eldest child and it's a shock to the system.  Fortunately the family all rallied round and 17 years later she's happily married with two more children.

Best of luck
Cindy


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you Cindy think that book will def be on my list i have read books by  Dr Miriam Stoppard before, 

Just read your signature how wonderful you are now a mummy, i bet everyday you feel blessed, xxxx

Sara


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Hi Sara,

I don't really have any advice to offer you and you have already been given some great advice and helpful info from the others on here but what I did want to say is that you really are an inspiration!  What a huge heart you must have to be able to act so selflessley in helping out your sister during her pregnancy when you are so desperately trying for a child of your own.

I really, truly hope everything works out for you and dh and of course for your sister.  I am a true believer in all things happening for a reason and what is meant to be will be and I hope one day very soon you have your longed for child which you dearly deserve, however that child comes to you.

Lots of love and luck
Lauren xxx


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## loulack (Nov 30, 2005)

Hi Sara

i just read this and really feel for you. My advise would be to protect your heart at the moment as there is obvioulsy a big chance your sister could change her mind at any moment. However, I think a good option would be to explore fostering options so that the child can at least be in a safe and appropriate environment for as long as needs be. It could be that you end up adopting him/her or your sister might want the baby back, also she could change her mind and never give him/her up once she goes through giving birth! 

I am worried that your emotions will allow you to mix up the desire to help your sister and the baby and your desire for a baby of your own - the two may not be able to be satisfied at the same time with this baby. Could I suggest, I know it is hard to control ones own emotions, that you do everything you can to assume this will not end up being your child but then do all you can to help the child - not sure if that makes sense... At the very least I assume you will be a VERY close auntie who will see the child a lot and get a load of joy from it as well as give a lot back to it and that will be wonderful, at the most you may well end up being the parent. 

My aunt and uncle have fostered quite a few kids and you have to be a certain type of person as often it does mean that you 'rescue'  them, fall madly in love with them and later loose them. At least in your case you would never totally loose the child as you will be auntie. The last child my aunt and uncle fostered came to them when she was 10 and had been living in a car with her drug adict mum for years! She ended up staying with them to this day, she is now 22 and just fininshed University!! She is a lovely child and it is a miracle what they have achieved with her so I really respect people who can do this, take this risk with their hearts and effectively change childrens lives

Good luck honey and sorry for long reply, I hope your tx is going well in parallel to this mayhem


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Sara you are doing a wonderful thing and so supportive to your sister.  
Are there mother and baby units around your area? - your sister's social worker (who would be allocated via the maternity services once they hear of her fears/or undecision if she wants to keep the baby) would refer- so that she and the baby could go there for a 6 week assessment period where there is support for young mum's, undecided or troubled mum's.  Or are you in a SureStart area?- again your sister's midwife and health visitor know about these schemes, aimed at supporting disadvantaged or teenage mum's with the aim of giving the child a better start in life. Are there any special services for teenage mum's in your area?

I work with children and like many people say social workers do look to the extended family to place a child.  You cannot adopt for at least 6 weeks after a child is born,as the Mum's have a period of decision.

Best of luck with your own treatment and the difficult family situation.
L xx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you both for your replys I am going with my sister tomorrow to the midwife to discuss some of the things mentioned, as i live in Kent she in London it's a bit far to be there all the time for her so i really need to make sure she has support groups etc, 

We are taking it step by step & day by day but right now all i want to do is help make sure she is eatting well and not too stressed, 

thank you all 
sara xxxxx


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## loulack (Nov 30, 2005)

Sara you should be proud of yourself what you are doing whilst going through tx as well, good for you. On your tx front I hope you are not too stressed, advice I followed was take whey to go protein powder as it helps egg production, put hot water bottle on tummy as much as possible until EC then not again after ET, rest and visualise... also get NK Cells tested, mine were elevated and so I was basically destroying my embies before they implanted, steroids from EC until 12 weeks preg reduced them and gave embie chance to settle in. I really hope you realise your own dream and that you can help your sister as well

Take care
Louise


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you Louise for your help & advise i am following a diet that gives me 75g of protein at the moment but will need to buy a hot water bottle as we only have a microwave one & we decided to get rid of it as felt it would help us eat healthy etc, 

I have been given such great advise i feel i have a great start for tomorrow's meeting we have an extended time with midwife as i want to ask about what help & support my sister will get etc I think you are right that i will end up being a very close aunty and always at hand i'm sure with a lot of love & support she will be able to cope & it's really good they give new mums 6 weeks as the hormones during pregnancy must be all over the place, 

I will keep you all updated  

Sara xxxxxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi Sara how did today go ? hope everything is ok hun. 

pam xx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi Pam, 

Thank you for asking and thinking of me, 

Today went well firstly baby is well, we heard the hear beat nice and strong and she is a good weight and size etc,  

We talked to the midwife about how she has been feeling about not wanting to raise the baby, the midwife said this was a normal feeling for young mum esp. if the baby had not been planed and finance being tight etc,

I asked about classes or groups for young mum’s there is one at the clinic which she can go once a week, also she will get health care visitor and if needed a helper, someone independent  that would come round and show her how to do things and just be a light relief for her etc, I think, 

Also we booked up for anti natal classes which I have agreed to go with her as her boyfriend wasn’t interested,  

We went for lunch afterwards and had a good talk …. I think she is feeling a lot different now she knows there is more support etc,  I am going to help her with a birth plan as she really has no idea apart from she doesn’t want the baby on her till he is clean and doesn’t want to breast feed, both off which I have tired to give her the positive of why these are things she should maybe consider a little more but sadly it shows maturity levels in the fact she said “ I don’t want no baby sucking on my t*t” lovely I know, 

We are slowly getting there but she still doesn’t know if she will be able to cope …………. I said no one knows if they will we will just have to try & see and take it step by step, 
I called the electric company and stopped her being cut off …. I am looking for places she can rent that accept benefits, it might mean us finding the deposit and months rent but it’s better than my nephew being in a flat with no heating paper fine walls, on a druggy council estate, ( she rents private at the moment but on a council estate) 

She has 90 days to go so a lot can happen, …. 

Thank you once again for all your support I will keep all updated 

Sara xxxxxxx


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Sara,
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things for your sister and her baby.
One more suggestion from me, find out if her local council has a Youth Service.
I am a Youth Worker in Norfolk and used to run a young Mum's support group, before my own fertility issues made it too hard for me.
Iwas amazed by how well the young women, some as young as 15  coped  and they were able to get support from us and each other.
We also had a creche which meant they got a break.
Does your sister have a Connexions worker? 
At 18 she should do, they would know about groups and also help with benefits housing etc.
As for yourself I would try and take an emotional step back.
Your sister won't know how she feels until that baby is in her arms, and you could get very hurt.
She may also find what you offer as help as pressure and may resent it and see it as interference.
Tread very carefully.
EJJB
  x


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