# Struggling, grief and controlling dd



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi, 
I know some of you have struggled with controlling behaviour from your little ones so will hopefully be able to help and advise. Last week I had to go home (Dublin) because my niece died, SIDS we think. While I was gone and since I've cone back DD has been increasingly controlling and destructive. We've had multiple toilet accident despite being offered toilet minutes earlier. Today she stamped all over DS glasses and chucked her dinner on the floor. I'm just so tired I can't think what to do to help her feel reassured. I just get angry and send her to her room in case I say sonething I shouldn't.  

Help please?
Xxruthie


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## Faithope (Jan 16, 2011)

Hi,

 This sounds like insecurity from her. She is doing things to get attention and to be noticed. How long were you gone for? Children don't recognise time like we do and may have seen it as you abandoning her which of course you weren't but she may have felt differently. Instead of sending her to her room, could you get down to her level, remaining eye contact with her while you speak with her. Explain that this behaviour (whatever it is at the time) is not what you expect from her, that it has made you feel sad, then sit her somewhere you can see her but no one talks to her while she is having some quiet time to think about her behaviour. Once this time is up, talk through it briefly then move on. Give plenty of praise when she does anything right or helpful, hugs and reassurance. Hope this has helped


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

So sorry to hear about your niece, how heartbreaking for all involved.   
Re DD, it is still very early days in terms of placement and, though there was nothing else you could do, going away from her has knocked her trust and made her feel insecure.  Her behaviour is her way of telling you she needs you to take control, to make her feel safe again, she is probably very scared right now that you will go again and is acting out of fear.  Sending her to her room is only going to heighten her feelings though I can understand why you are doing it, its not easy when you are in the thick of it to be therapeutic all the time.  It is also very easy to get into a cycle of negative behaviour and negative reactions from you which can become very wearing and hard to break.
Could you do time in rather than send her to her room?  Then when she is calmer go and have your bit of space, or walk away from her, take some deep breaths and count to 10 before going back to her and doing time in.  I can't remember her age but while she is acting out like this think younger, baby her if necessary, do all the attachment things you do in the early days, lots of eye contact, distraction.  Try to make notes of triggers and see if there is anything linked that you can then head off.  Lots of reassurance that she is safe , you aren't going anywhere and praise the good and try to ignore as much of the bad as possible while at the same time acknowledging her feelings.
We've had a lot of changes this year, including a family death, which has really knocked DS hard.  From being a well settled little boy he has become very anxious and his behaviour has been terrible for months as a result.  Some days it feels as though nothing I do is going to help, some days we see a glimer of hope.  Unfortunately I think it takes longer to re-settle than it did in the first place and that can be frustrating and add to how drained you feel.
Get some time for you too to recharge.
OT xxx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Thanks OT, I think I'm just so exhausted I am struggling with everything at the mo. I've had a chat with DH, and with DD at bedtime so feel a bit more confident for what tomorrow will bring.
Xx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Ruthiebabe

Oh that's so heartbreaking re your niece. I'm so sorry.

I agree with previous posters.. it sounds to me like typical punishing behaviour because you went away, and she's probably thinking, what's going to happen now? Am I going to get another new mummy? I'm scared... she doen't know how to verbalise it so shows it through her behaviour. Our DD was exactly the same and still is to a point now. 

Agree with OT that sending her to her room, in her view makes her feel excluded and that you don't want her which reinforces her (unconscious) belief that it's all gouing to end. This isn't your fault - it's so hard isn't it? I'll tell you what works with our DD (and it is flippin' hard when you feel so angry and your buttons have been pressed!) take a MASSIVE deep breath, go up to her on her level and say, gosh you must feel so angry to have broken XXX or said XXX, you know, we will always love you and your our little girl etc etc (lots of 'owning' words / reassurance) and then cudle, cuddle, cuddle. If you're REALLY mad (and yes, I have been!) just dont talk, but time in, cuddling, holding close and she will calm. That tends to work for us and hope it'll work for you too. It's HARD but worth it.

Hope today is better. The control is a real button pusher isn't it? You have my sympathies. Some days I get punished for being at work and I've been back 5 months!!!!!!!!!!

Love JB xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hope today is going better   
You are a fab mummy doing a fab job, sometimes it helps to just read what others have to say even though YOU know it already, it can just get a bit cloudy when you are in the thick of it.  
OT x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi

It's a bit better, but we've had some stupendous tantrum to the extent that she has burst some little blood vessels in skin around her eyes. 

Thanks ladies, patience and consistency and constant reassurance seem to be working. I think I was just having a bad down day on Wednesday that I couldn't see the wood for trees. 

Thanks ladies
Xxruth


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