# Falling apart !!!!



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

My life is falling apart again, its another BFN, All my hopes and dreams seem to cruel right now and all i feel is pain, worry, stress and emptiness. I really want the world to stop so I can get off and hide from everyone.

I cant think, sleep, eat or talk the pain is unbearable and i cant cope!!

My life is a mess and there is no fun in it, IVF is over no more cash left at moment and to be honest its never going to work after 4 attempts i should stop being stupid am never going to be a mum therefore never going to be happy. I am 30 next year and i have no hope or fight left in me, IVF have taken all my dreams away, life is unfair and i have nothing left to give as there is no hope left!! dreams dont come true.

I am arguing with my hubby too as when i see him i feel like a failure i cant give him a baby and never will. i feel so so alone right now.

This pain feels like its never going to end !!

jenny


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## Lynn E (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi there Jenny,

I have just read your post just by the off chance. I recognise your frustration but feel at 30 you must give yourself a break and get back to basics and think more about sustaining a relationship with your hubby. I have been with my partner for 18 years of which 9 years was spent trying for a baby, I have several operations and IVF treatment. And know what kept me going is not feeling a failure as a women but focusing more  on meeting the needs of my marriage and focus other desires without children. You might be a mum but in another form, through fostering, adoption, surrogacy or using donors eggs the list is endless, is more about what being a mum means so much to you.  So don't see as your life is over, your only 30!!

My advice is to give yourself a break - 12 months or more to allow you enough time to save, get the bolldy drugs out your system and get your head together, maybe have couple counselling I did and it really helped us. 

Anyway don't want to lecture your not alone and don't compare yourself to other women as it will drive you made.

Lynn E


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## babysmile (May 30, 2005)

Hi Jenny

Im soo sorry to read your mail, i know exactly how you feel and the desperation is clearly evident otherwise why would we put ourselves thru so much stress and pain..ive been there too 3 failed ivfs and 5 failed iui's...

Just like Lynn said its best to stop and rethink where you want to go, you have to take in to account that your hubby will be feeling helpless/useless/hurt and upset just liek you but they are a bit strange and dont show thier feelings like we do and that drives us nuts too!!!

Maybe go away for a few days together and just relax, then make a plan for the next few weeks and then months and then take it frm there....It will get better honey thats a gurantee, you may never feel the same again but it will get better and you will feel stronger...

Lots of love annd millions of cuddles at this very delicate time.

babysmile
x



jenny80 said:


> My life is falling apart again, its another BFN, All my hopes and dreams seem to cruel right now and all i feel is pain, worry, stress and emptiness. I really want the world to stop so I can get off and hide from everyone.
> 
> I cant think, sleep, eat or talk the pain is unbearable and i cant cope!!
> 
> ...


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## Miki D (Mar 3, 2009)

Oh Jenny, just want to send you a great big    

I had my BFN on thursday and spent most of yesterday in tears, I looked so scary, I really couldn't leave the house. I barely ate either, but you really need to, you've got to look after yourself.

I know exactly what you mean about all this tx sapping your life of any fun, it really takes over and changes you as a person. You do have your hubby though, I mean some people don't have anyone special in their lives do they? Maybe try to concentrate on the 2 of you for a while, I know that's what I'm going to do. Like Lynn says, there are many other options to look at before it's all over.

I know this isn't much consolation right now but age is on your side, you're only 29. Maybe you can save up for another go when you're feeling a bit stronger.

I got a lovely message today, it really helped me, here's some of what she said....

'We will be ok. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.

You take care now and chin up, pick yourself up dust yourself down and get ready and stronger to fight'.

I want you to do the same. This pain really will ease given a bit of time, I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will.

Thinking of you  

Love Miki
xxx


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## janettispagetti (Feb 18, 2009)

Jenny,

Life is so sh*t sometimes - have just had a negative this week after a FET. It's devastating. My younger sister is preggers which is tearing me apart. Have you had all possible blood tests / NK cell testing etc? I really feel you have to push push push your consultant to find out the most you can about your own personal reasons for infertility... there is alot of info out there and some clinics are more forward thinking than others. You probably know this already though...

My own way of coping is to make plans for next steps so I feel like I am doing something positive, and I also find that getting back to the gym / running / whatever floats your boat - is a great outlet for frustration. I am sure there are still options for you to have a baby - but take some time out and be kind to yourself - lots of treats and TLC - look at the options and gather your resources.

Big hugs,
JS x


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi All,

Thanks for your support, I appreciate it so much that i am not alone.

I have been advised by IM there is no need for any test.

I have now stopped crying but the pain is there. I need a break from IVF and think about my life as it is, my poor husband is now showing his stress too due to a few arguments. Life is crap at moment but it still seems to go on .

Time does help - i just want to be happy and without kids i may never be.

Wishing you all good luck

jenny


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## FJ (Aug 9, 2008)

Hi 
I just got my second BFN and feel the same  .It's horrible isn't it    . I have had a good cry and now feel numb. It's causing tension with DH too. Its often a no win situation isn't it we feel we have no choice but to go through it all again because the other option feels worse. It's so hard not to lose your sanity. I am finding using FF is really helpful because we all understand each other. You are not alone. sending you love and best wishes. FJ xx


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi FJ

I am so sorry to hear your sad news, your right it is harder to give up IVF than i expected. The choice has been taking away from me at moment due to cash and it all seems so unfair.

Your right a good cry does help, i also at still at the numb stage. Its causing lots of arguments as not happy with my life right now.

I know we both will get there and time will help.

If you need a chat am always here hun.

jenny


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## Choice4 (Aug 14, 2008)

Hi
I am sorry to hear of your stories.
Why you are taking time off it may be good to read this book "Is you body baby friendly" by Dr Alan Beer from Amazon
It is an eye opener, and tells us how our bodies immune system attacks the embryos stoping pregnancy.

Also it may be good to get some immune tests done Level 1 and level 2.
The gp can do level 1, but level 2, which is the most important has to be sent to USA
Here is a list

My level 1 tests were:

1. Full blood count, liver function tests, Urea and Electrolytes
2. Thyroid function tests (both free T4 and TSH)
3. Immunoglobulin panel (IgG, IgA and IgM)
4. Autoimmune antibodies (must include anti-nuclear antibodies,
thyroid peroxidase and anti-mitochondrial antibodies)
5. Anticardiolipin antibodies (both IgC and IgM)
6. Thrombophilia (must include lupus anticoagualant, Factor V Leiden
and Panthrombin gene mutation)

My level 2 immune tests aka the 'Chicago Tests' completed at RFU were:
Natural Killer Assay 
Th1:Th2 intracellular cytokine ratios 
HLA DQ alpha (male) 
HLA DQ alpha (female) 
MRTHR 
Leukocyte antibody detection

To undertake these tests I contacted and paid the RFU lab directly: 
Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science
Clinical Immunology Laboratory
CLIA ID #14D0646416
3333 Green Bay Road
North Chicago
IL 60064
USA

Jen Webber in accounts sent me the blood request form. You will need to put a referring physician on the form.
Direct line ++1 847 578 8345
main ++1 847-578-3444
work fax ++1 847-775-6506
email: [email protected]

Also see link to immune treatment and tests in uk

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82741.0

Goodluck


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Jenny,

I've got my AF today, 6 days before OTD so understand exactly how you feel.   

I wrote this post before we embarked on our 2nd cycle, before my mind became numbed with hormones and I was so involved that I would be engulfed in the grief and reading it back today brought me a little perspective.
**************************************************************************************************
It's important to remember.....................

As we embark on our 2nd cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 37, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to upset your life.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

Dee - thanks for sharing your thoughts - AF arrived for me yesterday too (OTD Wednesday) am feeling a bit overwhelmed, your post really helped, esp for reminding me that actually I wouldn't swap my life or my lovely hubbie with anyone.

Jenny - sending you a big hug , allow yourself to grieve, then schedule in some fun stuff. As the others said, even thought it feels at the moment as if you are you really aren't over the hill at 30, days like this will only serve to make you appreciate your babies *when * you get them.

best wishes
Dippy x


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## flyingswan (Feb 12, 2008)

I have just ended up in tears reading Dee's post from before she embarked on the 2nd tx.  We have just had our 2nd - got a BFP but only for 5 days  
I was beginning to think that the awful way I have been feeling was only happening to me.  I totally understand what everyone on this thread is saying.
We have decided that we will try again but I just need some time to recover from the horrible heartache or the last attempt.  On top of feeling like c**p everyone around me has either just has a baby or is pregnant!!!
We are a brill couple who love each other very much and have a wonderful life together but we just want a baby - is that too much to want from your life?
Anyway, I don't want to get in to moaning too much, we have picked ourselves up (slightly) and booked a week away and then we will start all over again in Oct/Nov.
Sending good wishes to all you lovely ladies who are the only ones who understand how hard this all is xxxxx


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

Lynne - thanks for youyr good advise

Babysmile - Thanks for your support

Miki - hope you doing well.

FJ -How you feeling , better a bit i hope

Lexey - Thanks you have been through a lot hun!  For Info - at reprofit they do embroy adoption which cost less and waiting list is 4-5 months.

Choice - Thats intresting Info - i think i contact GP

Dee - How are you feeling ?

Dippy - good luck fot FET in Sept hun

Flyingswan -  thinking of you, sorry for your loss, try and enjoy holiday!!

Hope not missed anyone. thinking of you all.

jenny


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi Lexy

Yep, heard postive feedback on reprofit to date and they are less expensive than IM which is where I went. 

I am now starting to look at my options again for next year or i may never do IVF and move on to adoption, can made any decisons yet too soon and still not me as yet.

Hows things with you ?

jenny


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## wobs (May 28, 2007)

Hi ladies

Been going through a pretty low time myself after another BFN (4th treatment) which ended with twisted ovary & tube being removed.
However although reading all your posts made me feel sad for you & wanted to send you some hugs  , it also reminded me of what I do have & to be grateful for all of that.  
i think FlyingSwan summed it up for me but like her am trying to dust myself off and pick myself up.  I think until we have our follow up I'll be less sure of our future after my op, but know that somehow we will reach a place we are happy with.
 to you all
Wobs


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

wobs - thinking of you and sending lots of hugs!!

Life is hard but they say what does not break you makes you become stronger!!!

I hopw we all get the happiness we deserve and our journey will make it more special!

Hi to everyone

Jenny


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## wobs (May 28, 2007)

Thanks Jenny.  I agree!
Wobs


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