# crazy feelings but cannot help it



## lotsky (Sep 29, 2006)

Hello all. 

I posted on here last year after we had our DD (via ICSI) as we were desperate for a second baby. 

I will reiterate what I said then, When we were trying for DD I would have been just happy with her. Eternally grateful for just the one, and to be honest, did not understand people who said they had infertility when they already had one. I could not get my head around people like that, I felt that people should be grateful just to have one, we had none, and just one precious baby would do. 

Then of course I was lucky to get pregnant with ICSI and I delivered a healthy baby girl who I love with all the bits of my heart. It gave me the strength to want to go again and have a second. I was pretty much desperate for a second since she was born, and when she was 10 months we went for round two, and to my utter joy, shock, horror I got twins, 2 gorgeous little boys born in May at 37 weeks. During the pregnancy I thought , three children, this is good, this is fine, this should settle my 'urges'. Since my little boys have been born, life has been mad, hectic, Ive breastfed them both all the way, and gone back to work (no choice there) but despite the tiredness I barely have complained and just every time I felt like I was too tired, and worn out, just looked at the little treasures, reminded myself how very lucky I am and happily got on with it. I love my family. 

Now the urges are coming up again. Its crazy. How would I cope being pregnant with three little ones to look after? Am I being like that American octomum? (except we pay for our own children and dont get benefits) I dream about what no 4 would be called if it were a boy, or a girl. Id love to have another little boy, yet a sister for my DD would be fab too. I feel greedy. I feel silly. Yet I want it so badly. Will the feelings of want ever stop. ? Its kind of like, "I know how awfully hard it is to get children, and how much of a treasure they are, so I want to use as many of my eggs as I can, to have as many children as I can, because going on the pill, or deliberately not having them seems so contradictory to how we used to be when trying madly' - I know Im not being too clear here, but do you know what I mean? 

I feel very ashamed with this post. Ive been keeping this 'urge' somewhat of a secret. I do feel greedy and guilty. I think its our IF journey thats made me like this. 

Any thoughts to take these feelings away?

Lotsky x


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## SWEETCHEEKS (Sep 15, 2005)

Oh Dear    ......

didnt want to read and run, i have my little boy, hes just gone 3 - OMG would i love a little Brother or Sister for him.... and like you, i always thought, if i could just have '1' i would be happy, - i am extremely very very happy beyound belief........ 

However - Our motherly feelings and instincts will never go away, weather you have 1 ,2 or 5 children, and thats because having a child is the most wonderful, best feeling in the world and we want it over and over again because absoutly nothing compares to it - and you know whats the most heart breaking thing in the world??.....  ... Its been taken away from us    ....... so we feel it more and we want it more, infertility hurts so bad  

So your certainly not selfish for wanting another, its only natural..... I too want another and i pray to god i get another chance, but if i dont, then i will always be soooooo soooooo greatful for my little boy and when i look back and my baby strings start too tug, il remember my happy memories of being pregnant, of my birth and of my baby i used to have... and then il look to my side and il see my gorgoues boy smile and il get that beautiful warm feeling inside, the one that tells me although there may never be another, i already have my dream sat right beside me.... and i will never get better than that     

Cherish the little ones you have, stay happy, keep smiling.... you have 3 gorgeous children   xxxx


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## Moshy29 (Aug 13, 2006)

Hi Lotsky

I can totally empathise with how you are feeling!  In fact I remember you from when I was pregnant with my DD after our 2nd IVF cycle.

I am on the 2ww following IVF to try for a sibling and am    that it works.  I had such a wonderful pregnancy with Lottie and I want that feeling again....and again....and again.  Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the gift I have been given in my DD, in fact being on the 2ww again with her makes me feel so so so emotional, I just want to cuddle her 24 hours a day it makes me want to cry I love her so much.

I have been maternal for as long as I can remember and would have had children at 15 if I could have.  My mum had a baby at 16 and always tried to encourage me to live my life before I settle down and have a family.  Little did I know that by doing everything right, I would end up on the torturous road called Infertility.

Obviously, that is not to say there wouldn't have been conception problems if I was younger when I tried but we married when I just turned 31 and and now 36.5 and feel that I am going to spend the whole of my 30's trying to make babies., when I should be happy with what I have.  Of course I am happy and if mother nature would do its thing, I wouldn't feel under so much pressure to complete our family before I get too old and success rates start to dwindle.

If you have always visualised a large family, it is hard to stop at one, even tho we are eternally grateful for what we have.  I too like you couldn't understand this mentality when I was trying for No.1 but can totally understand it now.  I also think when you need a little helping hand to get pg, trying again and again is like proving you can do it!

I can't remember your reason for needing TX but how about not going on the pill and view it that if you are meant to have more children, then a natural miracle will occur...and if it doesn't, you have 3 wonderful children to share your life with.  Focus on them, love them, cherish them and look forward to seeing them acheive their dreams.

Don't feel guilty or ashamed 

Moshy x xx


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2009)

Hi Lotsky,

I can very much relate to how you feel. I have to fight to stop picturing my 3 children and which rooms they are going to go in etc.  . Seriously though, I am certain that our desire to have more children is some sort of physiological thing that only gets worse once we have had one. I remember when DS was born I actually had this sense of bereavement that I didn't have my bump anymore and I felt so guilty because I had a wonderful son. I think Moshy says it all abot wanting that sort of 'high' of pregnancy over and over again. After my morning sickness phase I have never felt so emotionally and physically healthy as I did during my pregnancy. I felt attractive, feminine, deleriously happy and pretty damn amazing really. Feeling your body grow that beautiful baby and bring it into the world is just the most magical and life changing experience so it is understandable to crave that again. I am in quite a unique situation in that DP is TTC our second child. It has shown me that my craving is to be pregnant more than actually have my own genetic child again as I have no worries anout adoring our next baby, I just wish I could carry again  . I am glad that you have shared this as I eventually did with my friends and they can all relate to it. I don't think it goes away but you learn to deal with it and rationalise it. There are 16 years between my eldest and youngest sister (I am number 2 of 4)and I know that my parents, who are now seperated, were having problems before number 3 came along. As an adult, I now know from talking to my parents, that my Mum just kept craving more babies and that desire overode the fact that their marriage was in trouble. I am not saying for a moment that that is the case with you   but it just shows how strong maternal feelings are. Don't be ashamed of your feelings, they are more common than you think


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Have a read of this, you are not alone!!

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=209199.0

strawbs x


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

I don't think your crazy at all, I think the NEED is the most enormous feeling ever. I said i'd NEVER do it again, even after being blessed with an amazing natural miracle - I had two horrible pregnancies but that doesn't take away from the two beautiful babies we produced    IF money allowed (general finances not money for tx) i'd do it again tomorrow.  DH on the other hand is complete regardless of money, although when we've discussed our lottery dreams he'd allow me another baby!!  The other thing for me is I know my time is running out, by the time I envisage being able to afford another (and therefore convince DH) I will have no doubt lost my bits and pieces, i've been lucky to have avoided hysterectomy this long so will continue to supress my feelings and thank my lucky stars.

Bev xx


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## Golden Syrup (Aug 22, 2008)

Lotsky,

You are definitely not alone in your feelings.  My beautiful DD was born in May and whilst I couldn't be happier or love her any more I am desperate for another baby and have been since the moment she arrived (well maybe a few hours after!). I too have thought I am being selfish about wanting another, and another, and another!!! but I can't help it.  I have always dreamed of having a family and for me that will be when I've had more children.  

Please don't feel ashamed.  Our experiences make us who we are and you are clearly a fantastic Mummy to your little ones and probably more so because of your journey.  I hope you get your dream and have as many babies as you would like as you deserve all the happiness they will bring you.  They are certainly lucky to have you as their mummy.

GS xx


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