# New here! Single, broody and don't know what to do for the best. Help!



## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi everyone! Ive just discovered this website and think it's great 

I'm looking for some advice/opinions bc I'm having a crisis!

I'm 37,single and have been broody for years. I had an arrangement with one of my male friends that if I was still single at age 35 he'd donate his sperm but he changed his mind. I haven't had a serious relationship for over 10 years although I did have a boyfriend for a few months about 2 years ago that I really liked  he said he had things to do before he settled down, was too young for a baby (he's 30!) and he basically strung me along and wrecked my head for along time - I cut contact with him about 5 months ago. I have resigned myself to being single for the time being and realise I'm going to have to have a baby alone.

For the last 18 months I have been seriously looking into various options:

- I looked into donor IUI at my local private clinic but was told it would cost £1000 a shot with less than a 10% chance of success each time. What really put me off was that I live in a small city with limited donors and so figured the chances of my baby meeting futures step-siblings (and inadvertently having possible sexual relationships with them) was higher than I liked. I dropped that idea.

- I joined a co-parenting website and met up with 1 guy who said he basically wanted to be a sperm donor with minimal or no contact with the baby. I liked the idea of having no ties but felt it would be upsetting to the child to explain that I knew their daddy but hd wasn't intetereted 

- about 6 months ago I met another guy off the website who wanted to play an active role in the upbringing and he seemed perfect babydaddy material. We have met up 3 times and keep in regular contact. I was v happy with him and decided he was the best option - we are planning ttc in 3 months.

Soooo I was happy with my plan but every now and then I get a bad case of the wobbles and I have been having a very bad case for the last week  I have always had lots of freedom to do as I please and being a nurse I've worked  in London and Australia (I live in Scotland) and I'd like to keep those options open again in the future. What is really worrying me is (and I know this might sound insane) is that if my ex were to get back in touch in the future when he's ready to settle down and I already had a child I wouldn't stand a chance with him bc he wants to return to live in OZ at some point which is where we met. Also I never meet guys locally for some reason and usually meet guys from abroad! If u do meet my Mr Right and he's foreign I'd forever be tied to Scotland bc of the babies daddy - he is v serious about wanting to be a dad and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't let me move abroad with the baby!!

I am very stressed about what to do for the best. I want my baby to know their daddy (at some point so would consider open AI) but for me to have total freedom! I've never been into casual sex so one night stands are out and I don't agree with tricking guys into getting someone pregnant eg during a fling. I could afford about £2-3000 for IUI but would only consider it with an open ID donor. It's cheaper abroad but I think they are all anonymous donors. One of my male friends has offered to be a donor but he lives in Japan! I can't think about anything else and  all the time my clock is going tick tick tick 

I have thought about discussing this all with a counsellor.

Can anyone advise??

Thanks so much xx


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Heidi


It's so hard to decide what to do sometimes! I remember it well. I totally understand about your worries about not being able to go off wherever you want to go if you use a known donor, that was something that I really worried about too because I've never stayed in one place (I've lived in my current flat for almost three years, which is the longest that I've lived anywhere in my adult life!) and have moved around the world too. I had been thinking of asking a friend but that was the main reason that I didn't, I wanted and needed freedom. In the end I had IUI abroad and did use anonymous sperm, but many overseas clinics let you import known donor sperm from clinics like xytex so that's an option that you could also consider (sorry, throwing something else in there!). 


Wishing you lots of luck   


bingbong x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Hi Heidi. So glad you found this site! There are lots of on here who have been in a similar position to you. I dismissed the co-parent idea very quickly for lots of reason, but not wanting to be tied to some stranger (okay, they would no longer be a stranger after a while but you know what I mean) who would be entitled to have a say in how I brought up my child/our future decisions was a major factor. Despite not making any effort to find a bloke (or even particularly wanting one in my life!) I feel that if it ever happens in the future it will be much "cleaner/simpler" without some other bloke being involved.

I went to the same clinic as bingbong for my treatment and also used an anon donor. Very occasionally I have a twinge of guilt about not using an open id donor but the decision I made at the time I started my tx was right for me then.

You mention that you would like your child to know their daddy, but remember that there is no guarantee that the donor will actually be contactable when the child reaches 18. And even if they are they may not want anything to do with them.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi
welcome!

It's a good idea to consider all your options carefully, but once you decide on a direction to go in and take the first steps, everything becomes a lot clearer and easier.
Importing open ID donor sperm from abroad can work out cheaper than using UK sperm, best to find out your clinic's policy on which sperm banks they work with.
The more info, the better!

I am also going with a co-parent, being single I thought it fairer on the child and myself to have the contact and emotional, practical and financial support from another parent.
My co-parent isn't British and neither am I, but we are both settled here for the time being. When the child is older it will give them a huge choice of where to go to uni for example, so I am seeing this as an advantage.
Neither of us is planning to move abroad for the time being, but I have said in the past that I might find it easier to be nearer my family for a year for example, whilst the baby is small and my co-parent had no problem with that at all.

However I can see that Oz is a different story as it's so far away, but why would you plan for a possible future with some guy who obviously isn't planning you into his life at all?
I am sorry but that sounds really counter-productive and you could end up wasting more years of your life on this dude.
Your perspective will change 100% once you're pregnant and once you have a child, and I would be surprised if this bloke still figured in your thoughts then. Don't put your dreams at risk for him!

Have you talked to your potential co-parent about the possibility of either of you leaving Britain? Perhaps he's happy if this is for a limited time, or if he has the child for holidays (who'd cover the flights?) etc, communication is key.

Contrary to what Caramac said above about donors not being contactable, I actually believe it will be easier in the future to find out someone's identity when you have their full name and address (unless they have passed away) and as a donor (egg sharer) myself I can tell you I'd welcome contact from my child/ren in the future and have said so in my goodwill message.
A lot of the Danish sperm banks I looked at before deciding my current route have very extensive profiles where donors explain their reasons for donating, and they have the option to stay anonymous if they chose to, so I would imagine they would be happy to be contacted when the child chooses to.

Wishing you some clarity in your decisions, and all the best of success!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

there's no guarantee that a co-parent isn't or won't in future co-parent with others - so it doesn't prevent the 'relationship with siblings' issue. he could get loads of people pregnant. if you want to make sure they don't run into siblings foreign sperm would be better. 
i wouldn't have a baby with someone i'd only met three times!

but i agree you should go it alone if you want to and not wait for 'mr right' because you could regret that. good luck with creating your family.


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi Heidi and welcome on board!  I'm also 37 and about to embark on this exciting and frightening journey! When it comes to relationships I'm pretty much on the same boat as you! Have been feeling broody for years so I guess the time has come to take the plunge!! ^^  I agree with Caramac co parenting with someone you barely know would be way too risky for me! I want to feel incontrol when it comes to my future child and not having to worry about the hear and say of someone who's for most part a complete stranger. Personally I'm going with an open donor via Cryos New York ... if at 18 my child feels the need to look for his father, he will , hopefully, get the exact contact details to get in touch with him. ps: I am also a "what if" person but I have learned that driving yourself crazy with hypothetical scenarios paralysed you and is not productive in the big picture of things...no one can control everything! Jusr follow your guts /  heart! GOOD LUCK!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks so much for the replies. It is good to know others are in the same boat 

I am still at a loss what to do!! I think the problem is that there are just too many options! It makes it v hard to make a final decision. And I'm indecisive at the best of times...

Basically I think I'd be better doing it myself - for various reasons. But Id have to get a loan for treatment at a clinic and could only afford 2-3 sessions of donor insemination IUI but I am v reluctant to go down this route as the success rate is so low. Also I think it'd be v unlikely I'd be accepted for a loan in the first place.

I see the success rate for IVF is much higher at around 40% per cycle. I could afford IVF if I went back to work in Australia for a year. I also had a LOT more success with men over there so perhaps I could meet someone nice while saving! (Prob not but I can dream). The only drawback is I'd be 39 the time I could afford it which panics me.

Oh gosh I just don't know what to do  I have got in contact with some counsellors and am waiting their replies. I feel I need someone seriously to talk too - this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make.


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi Heidi, if interested I can give you the detail of  a counsellor specialised in the subject (she is based in SW London) Also  do not dismiss IUI ... some women older than you got pregnant at the 1st try! Statistics are just statistics ) and it seems that if your levels are ok you should opt for IVF after 3 fails IUI ( natural or stimulated) ... I'll Will try that route first as it is much less expensive and invasive!  Good luck!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi
Have you spoken to your GP?
Best not assume anything til you know you definitely can't get funding!
IMO it's a dangerous spiral to go down if you have to get out a loan at the beginning of treatment - how would you afford things for the baby and the time off work?
I've been saving for a few years so I don't have those concerns, but definitely try and get your finances in order after you speak to your GP and a few clinics. A friend recommended me a financial advisor before I started tx and that was very helpful!
x


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi Londonkat - thanks for the offer but I live in Edinburgh. I lived in London up until 8 months ago and I kinda wish I still did bc at least some NHS hospitals offer IUI to single women - as far as I know nobody does it up here in Scotland  ...seems v unfair. 

I will definatley check with my gp regarding funding. I had heard single women weren't treated in Scotland on the NHS but I should really double check.

I am in a lot of debt currently (due to lots of travelling!) but next year a huge chunk of it will be paid off and I'm just about to start a new job with much better pay so will be able to save quite a bit by the time a baby was born. I'd just about manage I reckon.

Hopefully the counsellers will get back to me today.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Heidi its not the nhs hospital that pays for the cycle it is your pct- as was until 31/3/13- so you Gp is the main contact and where you live. I've never had any free cycles etc and lived in London but you might be lucky or you might get your fertility blood tests FSH/LH done via your Gp so you know what things are like.
I'm a nurse my friends often do agency ? Could up do extra?


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

You're definitely not alone in this! When I started planning treatment in January 2012 I thought it was as simple as go to clinic and get pregnant. Then came the options, and costs, and the effects these choices will have on the child when they grow up. 

If you are considering IVF a lot of clinics will offer you free IVF if you are willing to donate half of your collected eggs in an egg share program. Obviously this depends on your view on this and whether you could or would want to donate your eggs, but it drastically reduces your costs and improves your chances. 

I faced the decision between known donor, open sperm donor and anonymous sperm donor. I don't feel that there is a right choice, just what works for you. Like you, one of my main concerns was being able to move abroad freely which quickly ruled out co-parenting. The more I think about known donors the less I feel comfortable with them, as previously mentioned, I wouldn't like my child to think that I know their father and have met them but they don't.

Then there's the Danish sperm banks, which offer open and anon sperm donors with extended profiles which will hopefully provide the child with a good feel of their origins without having to meet the donor. It's also more formal, and I like that. Child will know that the donor purposefully donated sperm, went through testing etc and was serious about donating. 

I spend quite a lot of time wondering what the donor system will be like in 20 years or so when our children are adults. In the 80's when I was born it was uncommon, almost taboo. Had I been born to a single mother by donor I may not have been told much about the circumstances of my conception. I would like to think that my children will have a clear and uncensored version of how they came into the world and won't have too many questions.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks for the replies girls.

Never did I imagine I'd be 37.5 and still single. This wasn't in my life plan 

Thanks for the advice regarding going to my gp - at the very least they could do my bloods and save me a bit of money if I decided to go private.

I'm still considering iui but wouldn't want to use a local sperm bank - I'd want to import the sperm from abroad but still with the British rules ie. The child being able to contact the dad and siblings at age 18 and their being restrictions on how many families the donor can provide to. I really don't like the idea of my child having loads of half-siblings running about!

I have contacted a counsellor and am due to have my first session with them next week. I'm also meeting up with my co-parent next week and have a few questions to ask him regarding maintenance/contact etc.

I'll keep you updated x


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi
great to hear things are moving forward for you!
At 37 you're too old for egg sharing (the clinic I went through only takes egg sharers up to 36 and many UK clinics up to 35.5), but I am sure your chosen path will lead you to the lovely baby you want in your life. Best of luck xxx


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi,

I am no further forward - I make a decision and then change my mind a few hours later and am just going round and round in circles  The way I see it is I have 3 options - each with their pros and cons:

1- Co-patenting. Pros- the guy is lovely and would make a great daddy, I'd have financial and practical support - I have no doubts about him as a potential father. My baby would know their daddy (this is a big plus for me) Cons- I'd forever be tied to Scotland which worries me for 2 reasons - I never meet any guys here and worry I'll stay single forever if I stay and I wouldn't mind having the option of working in London or abroad again if I got the chance.

2 - using a sperm donor (one that could be traced when my child was 1. Pros - total freedom to do what I like (v impt to me) Cons - I'd feel guilty and selfish that I'd deprived my baby of a daddy, ESP the potential baby daddy and that they'd resent me for it; i wouldn't be able to start trying for another 7 months as I'd need to save up (I'd be just over 38 then).

3 - I could go back to Australia again for a year in a last ditch attempt to try and meet someone. I had a lot more luck and attention over there and had my first boyfriend for years. I've been back in the UK for almost 2 years and I've not had one date or even a kiss  See point 1 above!! I met a guy on a tour 18 mOnths ago and he lives in OZ - we had a wee fling and are still in touch. He invited me over to visit when I go to Thailand in June but I can't afford to. At least if moved to OZ I'd have a potential! But the big con with this option is that if I don't meet anyone I'll be 39 when I return to the UK and I'll be in a total panic then!

4 - I could use a known donor who wants minimum contact. Pros- total freedom to do what I want. Cons - how would I explain things to the child - that I know their daddy but he's not interested - that I knew that from the start but went ahead anyway? It seems almost cruel 


I have spOken to a counsellor and agreed that a anonymous donor would be best but next day I'd changed my mind again! 

I think I'll go get my bloods checked at my GP to get some idea how fertile I am - maybe this will help me decide. 

I love this forum. Not many of my friends are supportive or understanding 


Any advice or comments are gratefully appreciated


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hun the sooner you decide the better.
You're not getting any younger - sorry I hope you don't think I am being rude, but please just be realistic. Option 3 sounds like someone mid-twenties talking, 'what if... and this might happen..' or not! just decide where you want to be based and tell your co-parent and see if he's alright with that.
I had a major surprise yday where that is concerned (see r'ship support thread) so you never know what happens anyway, and do consider that nice guys exist everywhere - even in Scotland.
Perhaps you need a double-pronged approach, some counselling and date coaching? xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Could you go to Australia and if no man luck then have treatment there with id release sperm by next year?


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## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Hello Heidi

If it were me (and I know it's not but thought you might like to hear anyway!) I would go the Australian route but focusing on a deadline of say 6 months from now if you have not met anyone then you can start to progress with treatment. I would say that Australia would help on the financial side and as JJ1 says there is nothing to stop you having treatment there and then returning to the UK. Your co-parent sounds nice but you really need to think the next 25 years through. Think that this person will be in your life for 25 years (or forever I guess), they will influence decisions you make, what happens if you want a sibling? I know that some people are very positive about co-parenting but there are so so many things that could go wrong. Personally I would go with ID release donor sperm not the co-parent - do look at Xytec and European Sperm Bank to give you an idea of the level of information available. I am in the process of using DS from Xytec. On the finances side, yes you need to be careful not to get in to lots of debt unnecessarily but the main thing to do I would say is to shop around for your treatment. Many ladies from here go to Denmark, Greece (Serum) and other places for cheaper IVF. Also I know that people say don't skip straight to IVF from IUI but get all the stats and decide from there. Personally, and again I am just one person, I would go for IVF but at the most efficient price you can find. Whatever you do don't delay your decision for too long. I would keep seeing the counsellor until you can reach a decision. Good luck


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks girls,

Yes i know im not getting any younger lol - that's why im stressing!
It's weird - I was all for this up until a few months ago and then i started getting wobbly. I don't think it's indecision about having a baby thats bothering me but more the method of doing it! 
It's true that I could go to OZ for 6 months and then if nothing happens man-wise after that look into IUI/IVF. It would take me 6 months to get out there though so id be 38.5 by the time all  that was sorted!! I think a trip to my GP to get my bloods checked is in order.
I am off to meet my co-parent now - haven't seen him for about 6 weeks. I think id feel really bad if i dropped out now as we have been in touch for 6 months; I'd feel like id really wasted his time


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Broody - id love to read your story (for inspiration!) but i can't find it anywhere - where is the relationship forum??


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi Heidi,

I can relate to your post completely. 

What you are going through in terms of changing your mind every second ( feeling guilt, going through "what if" scenarios etc) is completely normal and is part of the "thinking phase" there is even a formal term for this phenomenon it's "liminality" It's basically a transitory phase between  2 states ~> not being a mum ( current situation) and becoming or trying to become one (goal/ transformation) during that phase your sub-conscience is pushing back and forth your thoughts process to let the transformation between the stage of thinking and trying happen. Some times this process takes years and women would postpone motherhood because their mind challenges their choice constantly! At one point, some sort of "clarity" about what you ultimately want will emerge ( I say "some sort"  because certainty or being 100% "ready" rarely happens! You should know that.. )  I went through the exact same thing when I was seeing my counsellor.. Some days I was 200% sure about doing the Single Mother by choice thing and the next day, I would just cry and reject the whole idea. At one point you will know what direction to take ... but the problem in your case is that you are already 37 (like me) I was 35 when I went through this so had a bit more time to go through this motion of thoughts, doubts and fears. Ultimately  it is fear stoping you and making you feel stuck and doubting witch path to choose. One book that helped me overcome my fears was " feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Other books that helped me while I was in my thinking phase was "single by chance, mother by choice" by Rosanna Hertz.. She explains that women in our modern society are running two races ( love and having a child) and a lot of us are losing both! because we are waiting for the white picket fence ideal.... she also clearly explains the pros and cons of known donors, co parents and anonymous donor. She interviewed 65 single mums by choice and donors children when little and 15 years later. The resentment risk you mention regarding the anonymous donor choice is not something witnessed in most cases when the mum explains honestly and in a positive way at an early age to the child how he came to the world. Resentment appears more frequently when the child as been lied to or if the mum feels guilty about her choice and the child feels it. Resentment from the child is also more frequent when there is a rejection from a "concrete" father (ie separation, divorce etc) or a co parent who disappoints them in some sort of way. In the case of an anonymous donor ( with open IDrelease) there's is no trauma of rejection or disappointment ("the donor helped his mum to get what she wanted so much ->a child") and if he wants to find a bit more about that person he will be free to do so at 18. The mum didnt block this option for him so not much risk of resentment. Another book (I know I sound like a nerd!! Lol) is 
Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide by Mikki Morrissette. This book is like a bible!! You will realise that everything you are going through is part of the process..

I hope these will help you and that you will get there! My two cents As it comes to the feeling of guilt, that my child won't have a father,  that i also felt ... Is that it isn't because the child was born without a father that he won't have a daddy at some point in his life. Also plenty of kids are born within a relationship with a father but this one leaves and disappear from his life. You just can't control these things so I would focus on what you can control and let life happen ( ie having a child if thats what you want and giving him all your love ..because ultimately that's what he will need most!) 

I'm about to start treatment at the London women's clinic via an anonymous donor and it might sound silly but one of my biggest fear was that I would remain single all my life if I have a child on my own and should "find the guy before" but clarity and perspective  showed me that the reality is not so! 

I finally realised that meeting someone even now, falling in love, waiting to settle, waiting for him to be ready to have a child (before my fertility window was completely shut) was not realistic!  I also realised that millions of women with kids  find love and that I actually will have more chances finding someone decent after becoming a mum ( I won't be anxious about my fertility clock, will be able to take all the time I need to let the relation develops etc ..) 

SO I have stopped (after many years of back and forth) with the "what if" scenarios and moved on to the trying phase. Because while we are stuck driving ourselves crazy with potential outcomes, life is in session and doesn't stop because of our fears...

I hope this help make you realise you see you are not alone in this! 

Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

Wow... My reply looked shorter on my iPhone!!!


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## CHOCOCHINE (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi Heidi
i can't advise you  what to do fincially but I did not start this journey until I was 41 despite knowing in the back of my mind that i was getting broody. Bottom line is I tried to ignore it. I was very scared to go it alone especially as my decision wanting a child was not my partners. Even at 41 I took baby steps and it wasn't until 42 I saved money for 6 months for 3 x lots of sperm from xytex sheridan is very helpful and I had my first iui in nov, 2nd dec and 3rd in jan this year. They unfortunately didn't work for me and now i am having my first ivf treatment. I managed to pay for the iuis and now have borrowed money from my parents for the ivf, so now i only have 1 shot. IN hindsight I should gone straight to ivf but the iuis prepared me for the ivf process and made me realise how much i wanted to be a mummy.
My advice is go to your gp now this week, in case there is funding, do not leave it to late. Yes that's stats with iui for age group are  bad but try one first before ivf, it might work for you. The scarey part using doner, choosing the doner gets less scarey when you find a doner you like. I struggled with using a doner and the insemination at first, yes I would have loved to have met the right guy at the right time, but it didn't happen, hopefully the ivf will.

goodluck on what you decide, everyones different but a sperm doner from the states was best choice for me x


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

PM on it's way to you Heidi - Diesy


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi - it's only visible to members who have been on this board a while. Will PM you x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Some great advice on here Heidi. I'm not sure whether to add my thoughts or not really, as it doesn't really matter what I or anyone else on here thinks - it's up to you to reach a decision. Have a think of the possible outcomes of each scenario - worst case and best case. Can you live with the worst case scenarios? For me the worst case scenario was to put off treatment in the hope that suddenly "the one" would turn up in my life and we'd go on to have the perfect family with no problems, and then find out that he didn't turn up in time and I'd missed out on my chance of being a mum (or having the face the strain on a relationship that treatment would involve together). I felt I'd rather do my best to have a child first (even if this meant doing it alone) and with this route I wasn't completely ruling out the chance that "the one" might turn up. But just taking off the time-pressure!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks v much girls  I am loving this forum!

I met up with co-parent last night for the first time in about 6 weeks (he lives a 2 hour drive away) and I have since felt better about sticking to my original plan (ie using him as a co parent). We have been in touch for 6 months now and that was the 4th time we met. He really is lovely and perfect baby daddy material - I really have no doubts about him in that respect. I think he'd be a lovely daddy and I think I'd regret giving him up and depriving my child of such a nice dad by going down the sperm donor route. Yes using a donor would give be the ultimate freedom but I need to consider what is best for my child.

I think the best way to deal with all this is to try with him for 6 months and if I'm not pregnant after that I'll move on to plan B - moving to OZ to look for a man/save up for donor insemination or IVF.

Knowing me I'll prob change my mind again soon but I hope not :s


KatLondon - it is v reassuring to hear I'm not alone in how I'm feeling and I'll definatley buy the book you suggested.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Heidi - just think the sooner you get started, the sooner you will meet your wonderful baby!
I'm glad you have a good feeling about your CP, mine wasn't 100% and I should have listened to my gut in retrospect...

Caramac - your little one is absolutely gorgeous, his little face alone is a great incentive for anyone to just get on with it. 

Hope it works for you quickly Heidi - I have a great book called 'taking charge of your fertility' which teaches you the charting method for your cycle really well, that's another one for your library!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Actually I'm a family planning nurse and used to giveadvice to ladies on the best times to get pregnant, signs of ovulation etc so I feel I have quite good insight into everything which hopefully be a bonus! But I'll have a look at the book too. I'm going to buy some ovulation sticks too - my friend used them with great success. 

It's kinda exciting!!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Agggh I'm starting to get wobbly again 

Geez this is exhausting.

I'm defo going to buy that book!


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## notamuggle (Jan 15, 2013)

That book by Mikki Morissette is great, I got it from ebay and its been really useful and I think I'll continue to dip back into it from time to time

I wouldn't recommend Single Mothers by Choice by Jane Mattes though,  I didn't like the style and didn't find the content useful.


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

I somewhat agree but nothing wrong in using as much resources as you can. Heidi do not worry... It's a process that can be really draining and emotional at times.. I thought I was going completely insane and the fact that I was constantly changing my mind was a sign that I was not stable enough in my head to have a child.. my sister gave me a hard time regarding this constant back and forth...but my counsellor assured me it was actually the opposite. I was putting myself under such strain because I wanted what was the best for my potential child (imagining every possible scenarios, challenging my choices, making sure i wasn't making a mistake etc). Which is what all good mothers do instinctively.

A couple of DVDs that help me greatly and gave me so much inspiration was

Plan B: single women choosing motherhood( EVERY time Im feeling down I watch it.. I can completely relate to these women!)
http://www.youtube.com/user/PlanBdocumentary?client=mv-google&gl=GB&hl=en-GB&nomobile=1

Maybe baby by Shannon O' rourke ( some happy endings and some not so happy.. It really opened my eyes that waiting too long to do this could really shattered my dreams on having a child...a real eye opener... the birth scenes are so emotional)





Single choice many lives





I hope you will find these as helpful as they have been for me.
I bought most of them via Amazon... Planb B via the movie website: http://www.planbdocumentary.com/

One thing I would like to tell you is that fear and doubts will ALWAYS be there no matter how far you are in the process and no matter what path you choose...(I'm planning to have my first IUI in May and I still find myself having doubts but these get less and less powerful ..I wouldn't be surprised that ill be kicking and screaming on my way to the insemination room! That why I have asked 2 of my best friends to go with me and force me through the door if needed! 

I guess, You'll just have to allow yourself to go through this mental and emotional journey without beating yourself up. ;-)

/links


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi.  Just wanted to refer back to a book that LondonKat mentioned a few posts back - Rosanna Hertz's "Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice".  It really is an excellent resource in my opinion and is very thoughtfully written.  Heidi, I promise, you aren't the first and won't be the last to flip flop between going forward on your own and not doing so.  If you can, go along to one of the regular meet ups of single women posting on these boards - that might give you the confidence that yes, it is something you want to pursue, or conversely, that you don't.  It's just so helpful to talk to others that have done it, are doing it or are thinking of doing it.  


A-Mx


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## notamuggle (Jan 15, 2013)

Those DVDs look really good Londonkat, I never even thought to look for DVDs on the subject, I'll check those out at the weekend.

Good luck Heidi 
X


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi girls - me again!

I only have 6 weeks to go before i start ttc with my coparent and although i have been feeling happy with my plans to use a coparent this last month, today i am having doubts again!! It just seems so final - ill always be bound to this country if i get pregnant to him and i always had a bit of a fantasy of bringing up a child in OZ as they have such a nice outdoorsy lifestyle over there...

I have actually started the process of renewing my oz nursing registration this week with my plan being to move out there if i wasn't pregnant in 6 months - i'd try IUI out there and if that didn't work id easily be able to save enough for IVF back home.

Part of me thinks i should just forget the coparenting and move straight out to OZ and do it alone.

I am annoyed at having another wobble - i thought they were over now


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

It's perfectly normal to go back and forth while making a decision, I'm sure we have all done it to a degree! All ill say is that if you're not 100% sure of your decision, don't do it just yet. Co-parenting is a great thing I do, but you are tied to him forever and have to consider the child's best interests with any choice you make. It would possibly be unfair on child and donor to split them up when they have a bond. You also don't want to resent the choice you made because you are bound to the uk when you don't want to be. 

Don't rush this decision if you're unsure. Maybe having a donor rather than co parent would be fairer on the child in an instance like this unless you're willing to sacrifice some things in life


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## Helena123 (Jun 11, 2011)

I agree with what Polita says.

I think that it would be best for you to abandon the co-parent arrangement. Co-parenting has got to be the riskiest option going. To me, it seems like what to do when you want a child but have little money: a last resort! Obviously a known co-parent is totally different. 

It looks to me like you've found a really good solution for yourself...

Go back to Oz, do IUI there with donor sperm and whilst your having that, save for IVF just in case you need to pursue that option. 

Seriously I would abandon the co-parent!!!!!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks girls.

I wish I didn't feel this way - my coparent is so lovely and would make a great dad and after being in touch with him for so long and getting so close....he'd be devastated if I pulled out now but then this isn't the first wobble I've had.

I got my day 3 bloods done today. I have also emailed some OZ clinics to see about their IUI programs - only 1 has got back to me so far and they said they have up to a 9 month waiting list after initial consolation which is too long a wait considering it will take me about 6 months to get ott there. I will wait and see what the other clinics say.

I think my decision will be easier once I have all the facts and figures. Then I'm off to Thailand soon for 2 weeks for some serious me time and hopefully my head will be much clearer by then


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## LondonKat (Feb 2, 2012)

Completely agree wit Polita and Helenas comment. Way too risky and would be completely unfair to both the child and the donor if things turn saour which even happens with known co parents. The risk are way too high and Heiddie you have way to many doubts to follow that road. Honestly If you are serious about becoming a single mum, I would strongly suggest to go the donor way.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks ladies - so the general consensus is to use a sperm donor...

I am planning on discussing things with my coparent when we meet next week. I have no definate plans to move to OZ and id need to meet a partner who was willing to emigrate with me as i couldn't go as a single mother so the likellihood of it happening would be small - but id like to keep it as an option. I think its more likely that id move down to LOndon. Ill run this past him and see what he says...If he is negative or controlling then i think ill have to forget coparenting and go it alone. If i planned to settle in Scotland forever then coparenting would be fab but i don't really see that happening.

I'll keep you updated!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi
any news?x


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi there,

Yes i am back to feeling ok about everything again. I have been reading the book by Mikki Morrisette and it has reconfirmed my belief that using a co-parent is a good option for me.

I don't know why i keep having wobbles every now and then! THe only way id be able to move to OZ or London would be if i met a partner bc there's no way id be able to move away from my supportive family as a single mum. I have been single for aaaaaages so the chances of meeting someone anytime soon are remote  I did consider going back to OZ to try IUI and save for IVF but as the reality grew closer I remembered why i left last time i was there - i couldn't cope with the night shifts i had to do and im not really sure i could go back and have to go through all that again...

So i am back on the co-parent route again. For me - it is v important that both myself and my child knows the daddy from the start. I'll give it 6 months but if i dont fall pregnant then ill have to try IUI in the UK - hopefully i'll be able to get a loan to help financially in about a years time if need be.

TBH i just want to get pregnant NOW!!! I aimed to originally try a year ago and i still haven't started. I wouldn't be able to afford IUI for about another year whether that'd be in the UK or OZ and the thought of waiting another year just to get started makes me feel v nervous. I get my 3 day FSH results back tomorrow so that should be enlightening.

I am ok with the co-parent idea 80% of the time - but i wish it was more often! Don't be surprised if i chance my mind again soon... !


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi
if it helps, I felt 'stuck' for ages and it really depressed me, but once I decided on a path and went down the route I felt so much better despite all the challenges on the way.
You have every chance to get pg in 6 months, do give it 3 tries per cycle and buy a book such as 'taking charge of your fertility' so you can accurately chart your cycles and make the most of your fertile window.
Did you say you have found a good candidate? Surely if you voice your concerns or 'what if's' he can give you some input on how he feels about each scenario?
Keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you hun! xxx


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks v much Broody - i will keep you updated!

Planning on ttc in a few weeks - eeeek!

How are your plans coming along now? I remember things didn't work out too well with your co-parent...


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hey Heidi - well the latest news is that I feel more positive about him again, we made up on our last meeting and he actually handed me some cash towards expenses I've already had, which put my mind at ease about his reliability and financial support.
Hopefully I will meet the other 'babymother' next month, she wants to meet me too and seems like a cool person. Yes it's a lot to get my head around, but I still prefer the scenario to a non-involved donor in the absence of a relationship.
On the other hand I'm actively dating an excited about guys I am meeting, so I don't want to rush into FET or any next steps.
My body and psyche took such a bashing this year that I need to get to a stage where I feel absolutely 100% ok with everything again, and also I won't have all my tests completed til August.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed I can have the FET on the NHS somehow (it would be cheaper for them than IVF and since I don't have children and my PCT fund single women I will push this for all it's worth).

Best of luck with your TTC, have you bought a kit or will you do it the traditional way?


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi Broody - just read your history - you've been through sooo much. I hope everything works out for you.

No I am doing it the artificial way ( I don't fancy him!). I have some containers and 10 ml syringes that I got from work (I'm a nurse) - I didn't realise there were fertility kits...

I got to admit I often feel quite down and depressed that I've given up on finding a partner to conceive with - this isn't how I imagined it'd be  I'm sure when baby arrives ill be much happier!


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