# What should I have done....?



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hello all


We've had a bit of a morning of it....


Our nearly 3 year old (placed 9 weeks ago) has a little Halloween party at her stay and play group today. In fact, she is there now with daddy.


All morning (since 7am) she has been a nightmare. not doing what I ask, deliberately pushing buttons, shouting at me, telling me what to do, tears... the lot. For once, I have remained calm and not shouted. I have ignored the bad behaviour to a point and just clearly told her what needs doing or we'll be late for the party.


Eventually she got ready.


DH said we should have stopped her going to the party as a consequence but I disagreed. The consequence was that I didn't go (I take her every week and luckily DH's shifts this week meant he could go with her).


I was going to take her out this afternoon but now I'm not. She said once she'd calmed down, I'm not going out this afternoon because I was silly to mummy... but there seems to be no remorse... she just shrugged and said, we'll go another day...


I am feeling quite down at the moment and on the edge of tears as I type. We have a final FC meeting looming and I am dreading it. I know DD is 2 and very much of the moment, but I really fear the fallout after the meeting and maybe my edginess is coming across to her...? I am also by my own admission quite shouty (I apologise, but that's my personality and I have got a lot better), but our DD doesn't seem to care... it's all about her and s** anyone else.... is this typical 2 year old behaviour or is she going to grow into a spoilt little diva...


I am so worried I am damaging her even more. DH and I always sing from the same sheet, but not today unfortunately... We have firm boundaries in place that she responds to and she was really indulged in FC..


Sorry about the scrappiness of this post..... I really feel s**t today and feel like I don't even like our DD..  


Thank you for any thoughts..... xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.

First thing to remember is your DD has only been with you 9 weeks which is not very long and she is still quite young.  Her behaviour is her way of communicating how she is feeling.  My DD is 5 and has been with us since 7 months.  This morning she was a nightmare because she was going on a playdate.  She had never been to her friend's house before, one side of her was excited and looking forward to it but the other side of her was scared as it was something different and she didn't know what was going to happen.  I'm pretty sure your DD was experiencing similar feelings to mine.  I think you were right to ignore the bad behaviour.  

Nine weeks is not really long enough for her to have made sense of her new situation of living with you.  You are disappointed that she did not show any remorse but she might still be wary of showing her true feelings openly.  

Don't beat yourself up over the shouting, we have all done it at some point, children can be very good at pushing our buttons.  The american therapist Bryan Post says that we, the parents, often react from a place of fear.  We shout because in our heads we are thinking:-

Why is she behaving like this?
Have I done something wrong in my parenting?
Will she always be like this?
Will she get worse as she gets older?

You then react instinctively and the way you react will normally depend on how you were parented.  I came from a large family, my parents had to shout to be heard so my instinct is to shout which I have to work on.  Now I take a deep breath and look behind the behaviour to what may have triggered it.  I acknowledge that my children might be experiencing some feelings that they are finding hard to handle and try to work with them to acknowledge those feelings and deal with them in an acceptable manner.  We do set boundaries and we do have consequences but our main aim is to prevent the blow ups in the first place.  You state that you have boundaries and that she was really indulged in FC.  She may be responding to the boundaries outwardly but finding it hard to reconcile them with her old life internally.

If you are a reader I can recommend:-

The Science of Parenting - Margot Sunderland

You need to look after yourself, you could be suffering from a bit of Post Adoption Depression which is quite common.  The reality of what you've taken on can hit you quite hard.  Adoption is a major adjustment for us as adults also.  It is one thing wanting a child and quite another having one 24/7.  Don't worry so much about discipline and consequences at the moment, the main focus needs to be in looking after yourselves and building and strengthening your DD's relationship with you and DH.

Hope you are feeling a little better.
Take Care
Cindy


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Cindy, thank you.
What a lovely and informative reply. 
I am definitely taking a deep breath and putting myself in her shoes before I speak. I think she was anxious about the party. She often says she wants to do things but then gets scared last minute and tantrums because she's cross with herself,,

I think I am suffering a bit with PAD.. DH is working all the time and despite a good support network, I do feel


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

sorry for that... pressed enter too soon. i do sometimes feel alone.........I am seeing my SW next week so will speak to her.
thank you agiain. xxxx


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hiya

I think you have been given some fab advice which I would just like to reiterate....and also to say you are not alone! Our DS (aged 27 months) has been with us 12 weeks and what you have described is quite typical behaviour from him!! and how you reacted and feel...Ive been there and done that and felt that too....so don't worry..just take some time for yourself (if you can!!) and get some good sleep (again, if you can!!) and tomorrow will be a brighter day. Like you, we have to remind ourselves from time to time that its still very early on, so dont be too hard on yourself.

xx


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## Stretch (Jul 8, 2008)

Hi Jitterbug

I hope you don't mind me replying but I also have a 2 year old and although he is not adopted he knows exactly how to push our buttons and often shows no remorse, infact one of his favourite things to say after he has been naughty is "i'll go to the naughty step now then?"........so as you can see it's not really working   

I just wanted you to know that it's not always due to adoption etc, sometimes it's just because their 2 and they fancy doing it!

Take care and keep up the good work

xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi,
Sorry, I must have missed this or would have replied sooner   

DS is similar when going to parties or a new friends house etc, he is older so maybe able to speak more about how he is feeling but we have a chat on the day about what we're looking forward to and what we're worried about, I then acknowledge whatever he is unsure of and tell him how I feel when I go somewhere new (also a little shy & unsure what to expect) but we have each other and I will always be there for him.  His fear at the moment is that I will leave him at a party (some mums have been leaving their 4 year olds    )  but once we've had 'the chat' he seems to calm down and understands that he's feeling excited, nervous, unsure all rolled into one   

It it still such early days for you and tbh I probably wouldn't have let her go to the party...... if she was feeling scared of what to expect already then to send her without you probably would have been double scarey      You have all the time in the world for parties, so maybe go at her pace. 

As for you,  take a deep breath and take a pat on the back.  Don't worry about shouting, i'm a shouter by nature too, I used to feel bad about it but it's me and now he's older it is very rare that I have to shout but when I do he knows he's in trouble    I'd also rather be a shouter than a smacker   

Give yourself some YOU time, and don't be alone, you have us too.    Being an adoptive parent can be lonely if you have no other adopters or people who understand around you. 

Take Care xxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi all

I haven't had time to come back to this thread and am so overwhelmed at our replies snd the 'normality' of our abnormal situations!

Thank you so much. 

We have had a much better week this week (a few blips, but hey!!!)

It's so easy to get caught up in it all isn't it, particularly when you have zero parenting experience like me. I am always looking for little 'signs' (of what, I don't know!) I am trying to relax - honest!!

Thank you all for your thoughts - what a massive support. xx


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