# Has it sunk in that it's all over?



## lillymay1975 (Feb 11, 2008)

HI all


have not posted in ages, but i can finally speak/type about the end of treatment and having a baby, we had our last IVF April 2010, we have no other option no funds then to try again, although we have been advised not to bother trying again, well unless we are paying   we had 3 IUI's an 1 IVF at IVF Wales, and through treatment they were great, i was passed from Endrocorineology  to them many years ago i think it was about 6-7 years ago, it's been so long to try and have a baby the time has flown by.  What i found in our experience is IVF Wales are great when your trying and using their services so to speak, but after there is nothing, the only contact we had from them was the embryogist  to tell me that the eggs did not fertilise, he did offer us to call into clinic to talk to us about it, but that was it.....the next appointment i had was with endocrine in UHW around 4 months later to put me on HRT, who may i add their clinic is right across from IVF Wales, i was sobbing in the waiting room while waiting to be called by the specialist in endocrine, when we walked in and he asked me what was wrong i explained he was fuming, and very embarrassed, anyway we got away pretty sharpish and was told that that was that...i was going through early menopause, and chances of a child were nil.... 


the shock and realisation of this is massive and i do not think that anyone can get over this, we just try and live with it, we have looked into adoption but my husband is not convinced this is right for us, also many many years ago when i was 17 i attempted suicide and i think they will look into this, i was being bullied badly in school while doing by A-levels, and i just could not see a way out, i tried but really i did not want to go as such as i told my family what i had done, and i was saved...so to speak, i regret what i did everyday, and would never think about doing it again, even through the last few years have i even had the slightest thought to do something daft, but i do feel that this may damage our chances of adoption?


I have changed as a person since being told there is no chance, i do avoid my friends as they all have children, even the people who swore they would never have children have at least 2.....we are asked weekly by older friends "no children yet" you want to get on with things otherwise you will be too old.... i just love to hear those words, i want to shout at them "mind your own F***ing business" but you can't the stigma still attached to not being able to have children is awful, i have been to weddings/party's and people avoid me, or they cannot stop talking about their children, it's like they get so nervous and know they should not talk about kids but they just run and run with information about their kids....it's crazy, then they keep apologising   


Will i ever get over not being able to have children of our own? No i don't think we will... is it sad? your damn right it is..can we do anything about it? no i don't think so...so we plod on knowing we have a huge void in our lives and we know we should be bathing/playing/reading bedtime stories to our children, but we just sit here wondering and yearning for a child of our own...but we do live and get on with things but it is so sad xx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hiya lilymay

has it sunk in for me?  no - don't think it ever will - i still have my little fantasies of being pg and having a family, but as def no more tretament for us, i know its over

(unless i won the lottery - then i would carry on ivf'ing till the cows come home....................)

we have decided adoption is the way forward for us, but need to have some time first for us -the last 9 years have been teh ivf world and tbh -i'm so tired of it all.  have spent this w/end with 2 close friends n thier familes and whilst they are so supportive of me & hubby - the feeling that you don't quite fit into their 'world' is very apparent.

i am also avoiding a pg friend - well i say friend but since she became pg have not heard one word from her and apparently through another friend she doesn't know what to say to me - wft?! - i haven't become a mad serial killer!!!  i just can't naturally have children........... her loss.

thinking of you - wish i could say it gets easier, it doesn't, well not yet anyway.

& re the adoption thing - i've joined adoption uk and the online forum is great - loadsa people willing to share thier experiances etc and you won't be alone in what you are thinking - -it was a long time ago what you went through.

I'm also a little scared of adoption as hubby had a business a few years ago which left us massively in debt, but we are paying it back (slowly) i think '' if they check our finances - will they say no'' but then i think '' if the human race was dependant on money - i think we would be extinct!''

take care

sam x


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## CathE (Mar 11, 2005)

Hi Lilly may

Just wanted to send you some big hugs and understanding of what you're going through.

As far as the adoption is concerned, I think as long as you are up front and honest with the social workers about what happened and your feelings then I can't see it being a barrier but you can always telephone and enquire. They do delve really deeply into everything, but in a way it gives you a greater understanding on life's traumas and how to relate to how a child might feel.

My infertility ( including 4 miscarriages) was thought to be down to just endometriosis for which I paid privately for surgery and IVF also. Fustratingly they didn't listen to my concerns about the number of family miscarriages and do genetic testing because they found that I had a chromosome problem (roughly 50% would end in miscarriage). If they'd tested sooner I would have had pre-genetic testing with IVF on the NHS but by that time we'd had enough after (2 rounds of IVF). During the adoption my ex, who I suspected had doubts about the adoption, was having an affair with someone I knew and left me.
So it's been incredibly difficult dealing with all these loses but 2 years on I have come a long way. I do have my bad days and feel so sad. Counselling helped me a little and getting a baby tortoise which I know sounds a bit bonkers! Give yourself some time before you start the adoption process - most agencies want 6 months after your last IVF attempt to allow you to grieve. I did really enjoy the part of the adoption process I went through though. At the moment I'm taking a sabbatical and I'm off to work in an orphanage in Fiji and some Oz travel. 

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Take care,

Cath xx


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