# Friends trying to foster, I'm pregnant-advice on how to tell them, please?



## Dixie chick (Sep 6, 2010)

Hello everyone,

I am posting on this board because I could really do with some insight from people going through the fostering and adoption process.

We are old friends with a couple with IF who were told they could never conceive with their own eggs, but she could have one cycle of donor egg IVF. I volunteered as a donor but my clinic would not allow it.

Eventually they found a match, but sadly their treatment failed and my friends are now trying to foster with a view to adopting. 

Meanwhile I have finally become pregnant, but we're keeping quiet until 12 weeks, which happens to fall around Christmas. The reason I am asking for advice is that we always visit this couple at Christmas and I don't know whether to tell them about the pregnancy or hide it from them until later. 

I have known them both since University and although we don't see each other often, it is a lasting friendship which I treasure, and I would hate to do anything which might be hurtful. I have taken well meaning but painful comments from others in the past, and I'm worried I will make the same mistakes as I can't understand how they must feel.

Has anyone been in their shoes? What is the kindest way to break the news?

I'd appreciate anything which might help.
Thank you,
Dixie


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Congratulations!  I think it's a hard one because everyone is different.  Also it depends where you are on the journey.  Most pregnancies aren't a shock you kind of guess when people are likely to be trying.  I always found the bolts or of the blue hardest because I hadn't emotionally prepared for it.  

Now people could tell me however really I think.  Haven't had a pregnancy announcement since being settled on the adoption route.  When failed treatment etc was raw I would have said the earlier the better and email.  Early because it gave me time to grieve before others knew and were  discussing it.  Email so I can react how I want privately at a time of my choosing and then construct a response later.  The worst experiences for me was late in face to face announcements.  Also I hated it when People said I've got something to tell you then pulled a face and waited for me to say you're pregnant.  If you're going to tell me face to face have the guts to actually do it.  

However I know others have felt totally different.  Also once you have stopped ttc and moved into adoption land some but not all find pregnancies etc a lot easier to deal with.  You know your friend so think about her character but I would advise that if treatment is raw face to face in her house while staying is likely to be awful for her.  Going and hiding it is likely to cause issues too as in my experience no one I have seen in person has successfully hidden a pregnancy from me. No booze and not eating certain foods is a dead give away without intuition.  

Good luck you  obviously are a caring friend to come on here and ask. Sorry if my ramble has been no help x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Dixie,

Congrats on your pregnancy. Firstly I would say your friend is likely to be ecstatic for you both even though it may bring up a pang for herself. 

I started the IF and IVF in my mid 20s and before a lot if my close friends but around our last treatments a few friends were pregnant and covered it in different ways that I found very thoughtful.

One friend found out she was pregnant when my only pregnancy was resulting Ina suspected ectopic (turned out to be blighted ovum). I was understanday distraught as was my DH but my friend told my DH as she was having to tell work and we work in same place and she didn't want me to hear thro others. DH said I've got something to tell you but really don't think there's a right time. I was sad for us but happy for her. It let me absorb the news and I sent a text later that night congratulating etc. given Xmas can be hard for us going through IF it may be easier to tell her DH.

My other friend is an old school friend and told me over the phone as she was visiting us at Xmas and would've been 5 months by the time they visited. She was wonderful (she also knew I was in better place as we'd been approved for adoption by that time. Both friends have shared their journeys but not be the only thing we spoke of.

Another friend told me face to face and when she was only 5 weeks gone but I was expecting that and again happy for them. She also stars her worries as she had to have further tests so she stayed matter of fact about it for a while.

I personally liked the fact that they were considerate and didn't tell me face to face as I'm not sure I could've held it as much and tbh I process better having time to think.  

I hope this helps but truly think your friend will be happy for you x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I think it depends more on how far down the line your friends are to fostering/adoption.

If they have already started prep training or home study then I think they will take it well, however if they are still in the period before you can apply to an LA/VA then that might be tougher for them to handle.

Obviously you know them better than anyone, I had several friends get pregnant and have babies during treatment and that did hurt, but once on the road to adoption I have never felt any pain.

My brother and his wife are 16 weeks pregnant and I'm very happy for them - I also felt no pain at all.

I think you are an amazing friend for asking the question here, and I'm sure you and your friends will be fine.

Paul x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Congratulations !

Your friend us very fortunate to have someone as sensitive as you in her life  

If it were me I would always have rather been told via email or text, because then I could digest it privately. It's easier than having that conversation on phone or in person because then you feel you have to say the right thing and hide your initial feelings. In the long run I'm sure she'll be very happy for you, it's just that initial pang and trying to cover it up is awkward, so much easier to have a bit of time to digest the news. I used to hate finding out a friend was pregnant in a public setting - like a meal situation - as inevitably it was shared at the start of the meal and then I'd have to hide my own pain all evening as they talked about babies.

Could you tell her a week before you see her if you don't feel able to hide it at Christmas? I have always had a pregnancy radar so knew when friends or acquaintances or colleagues were before they ever announced it. This made it much easier for me, but on the flip side waiting for the announcement was tough as I knew it was coming. If she's very sensitive she may well guess anyway and ask you making it all round not how you might have planned to tell her.

It sounds like your a great friend and she's lucky to have you x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Totally agree with the others -I much preferred finding out either by email/phone or text before they told others so i had the chance to get over feeling sorry for my lack and to be happy for my friends and not be upset in the public setting that is very likely.

Huge congratulations btw!


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Defiantly tell them through email/phone/text.

A friend of mine was pregnant and she hid from me until I bumped into her in our local supermarket and she was 8 months gone, I had also miscarried twins 10 days before which she knew of but didn't get in touch. I was really upset, not because I had recently lost my babies but because I found out the way I did and she hid it from me.
Another friend of mine told me when she had her 12 week scan over the phone and she said " look I have something to tell you but I don't know how and you are going to hate me, I'm having a baby I'm so sorry" and put the phone down. I was upset because she was scared in telling me, I was dialling her number when there was a knock on the door and there she was blubbing like an idiot. To say we are still friends is a yes but the other one no.
Then a few weeks ago I had a text from my niece saying " hi guess who is going to be an auntie again?" I was very happy for her as she has suffered many miscarriage's but I must admit, even though I am very happy with my lo I did still have a little pang.
I suppose even though you are happy to finally be a mummy it is still a little hard when you hear of pregnancies.
I also think your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you 
Skyblu.xxx


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## Dixie chick (Sep 6, 2010)

Thank you everyone for taking time to answer and sharing your experiences.
My initial thought was to send her a text in advance so they wouldn't be put on the spot, but DH thought that might come across as cowardly or highlight the awkwardness. After hearing your advice I think I will text them before we make arrangements for xmas, then they can deal with it in their own time.

Congratulations to all of you who have had their bundle of joy, and good luck to Paul and DIY Diva, it sounds like it will be your turn very soon.
Thanks again,
Dixie


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

another thought, when you text make sure you also say when you are going to be telling others so it's clear you want it kept quiet but also gives her/them a date to prepare for.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have to be honest and say I would have been very angry if I was told about a pregnancy from someone I was close to by text.  It's an incredibly impersonal form of contact.  I know it's going to be a difficult conversation, but I would still much rather have the conversation, although probably not at Christmas or in person.  I think a brief telephone call would be a much better idea, with the understanding that it may be difficult news for them, even if they are moving on to adoption or fostering.

All the best,

Wyxie


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I agree with Wyxie. I think a lot of people would be upset if told by text. I would phone and explain you didn't want to tell them at Christmas.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Maybe email if you don't want to call her? I was told by email by a friend and found it a good way, I honestly would have hated a phone call from anyone however close as it would have put me on the spot too much to fake happiness until I really could feel happy for them. You know your friend best so don't be swayed by us x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Dixie,

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, and secondly I'd just like to say what a lovely thoughtful friend you are considering all angles and putting yourself in your friend's shoes, there are so many people who don't do that .

I think unfortunately you are going to be even more confused as to what to do after reading this thread as I think it's a subject with a great many different views, all of which are right, as everyone is different and with different experiences and loses.

For me personally (with about 20 years of ttc and 3 IVF's under my belt, all destiny I might add as we would never have met our wonderful son, and soon to be daughter had I conceived a child), it never upset me when I heard of friends pregnancies, I was just genuinely thrilled for them. What did upset me was being the last to know due to them treading on egg shells and then being told in in a fearful way, eg, 'I wasn't sure whether to tell you and didn't know what to say' etc.
For me this just made me feel awkward and annoyed, awkward as I then shouldered their embarrassment, and annoyed as it meant they didn't know me at all, as I would only ever be over the moon for them.

I appreciate that not all people feel this way and it does depend on each individuals history. I am fortunate in that I have never suffered a loss as I have never been pregnant, but I know this is one example of a situation where sensitivity may be the order of the day (but again it depends on the individual).

All I can say is how I personally would feel. Only you know what type of person your friend is and how she is likely to react, but hopefully one of us in this thread comes across as your friend does and will therefore help with your dilemma.

On the subject of call/in person/text/email, again another opinion.....
I think a text may come across a little cold and may throw her as she could be anywhere, with anyone, doing anything when she receives it. I think an email would be better as at least then you know she is in privacy and sat down in a more calm situation to receive your wonderful news.
I hate talking on the phone so that wouldn't be my choice, but I personally would like to be told face to face as my first choice, I think email is the next best thing if you think she would prefer to have the time and privacy to have her initial reaction privately (which I totally understand). I think you can express more in an email than a text too.

Lastly, please remember that your news IS wonderful and exciting news and if she is as good a friend as you say she will be over the moon for you and you will have been worrying over nothing 

Once again, massive congratulations! 

Anj x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Can you wait until after the Christmas day? I think it would be better.


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## Dixie chick (Sep 6, 2010)

Thanks again for your lovely advice.
I think my friend would prefer it not to be face to face, based on the fact that she told me of her failed cycle by text. 
Email probably would be better because it's easier to write more and to say what you mean that way, text can be quite limiting.
If I can wait until after xmas day that would be better, because I will have made 12weeks, so it would also seem less like jumping the gun or flaunting. Also I want to make sure there's s reason to tell her (I have another scan on Friday to see how it's growing). However if they invite us down before hand I will let them know because it would be awkward for both parties hide the fact.
I really appreciate your honesty in your replies, thank you.


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## JenJJ (Apr 28, 2013)

Congrats on your pregnancy! The fact you are concerned about your friends feelings says it all, yes dont jump the gun or flaunt it especially around christmas! As someone who received a very excited phone call Christmas morning from her little sister to announce her pregnancy I would hold off to tell your friend your news in the new year especially after 12 weeks!  I was happy for my sister but it made me feel awful for the rest of the day and I had to grin and bear it with a fake smile on the rest of the day, when all I wanted to do was wallow in my bed with my failures!!  

Even though your friend has a plan to foster and adopt, has her chin up it does not take the sting away of not being pregnant.. I didn't tell friends I was pregnant until 16 weeks and even then I upset a friend who was ttc, always will be difficult but telling after festivities are over imho is much better for your friend and friendship.


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