# Isolated, angry and let down - anyone feel the same?



## Feelingsupersonic (Jan 1, 2016)

Hello,
It's such a relief to find this website and forum. Since ttc for 3 years and now diagnosed with early menopause (I'm only 38!  ) I've become desperately sad, depressed and very angry and bitter. And I feel very let down and unsupported by our family and some previously though good friends.
I was so excited about starting a family with my DH. We had had to leave it later than we had hoped due to getting our finances in order and wanting to be financially stable so we could give our kids a good lfe. When it didn't happen I had the usual tests and due to an elevated FSH and low AMH I was told that IVF could not be offered on the NHS. Whilst being tested for fertility issues my DH's younger brother and wife announced with great drama and smugness that they were 5 weeks pregnant. It was really painful having their news shoved in our faces as from the moment they announced it it was all my horrible MIL went on about and has done ever since. She never bothers to ask us how we are or even considers that we might be struggling - instead all she does is send my DH photos of the baby as if our lives don't matter. I can't stand to be anywhere near her or my DH's family as a result. I don't think I will ever see them again.
My own mum isn't interested either nor are friends who I previously thought I was close to. I find it amazing that people can be so insensitive. 
There are loads of pregnancies at work too and it feels like it's all anyone talks about. 
It also seems that all I see are pregnant bellies everywhere I go or smug parents harping on about how you can never understand things until you become a parent. I feel like a freak and a failure as a woman, and judged by society as a result. 
I even felt like I should leave my husband so he can have a chance to have children with a "proper" woman, not a failure like me who has let him down. He has told me that he would rather be with me and childless than without me. I feel beyond guilty that I can't give him children and have felt so desperate I've had suicidal thoughts. 
We are going to Greece on a few months for egg donation/IVF but I can't shake this feeling that it definitely won't work and I'm terrified about it. 
It's such an isolating feeling - I do not know ANYONE who has been unable to have children. As a result there is absolutely no one who has any empathy for what we are going through, or cares about how sad we are feeling. If we had lost a baby then I imagine there would be sympathy and kindness shown towards us - but instead we are grieving for a baby/family we thought we'd have and no one gives a toss.
I've been desperate to talk about how I feel with others who understand and this website has already shown me that I'm not alone.
So I look forward to reading your posts and hope that will ease the pain a bit. If any of the above rings true with anyone I would love to hear your stories.


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## maggie_wcf (Jan 20, 2015)

Hugssss feelingsupersonic,  it is such a tough road, very easy for some to get pregnant yet we try so far but can't succeed. There are many other options (that's what I tell myself) and two people can be happy together as they are ( that's what my OH tells himself). I guess we just have to take it one day at a time and find way to be happy and try what we can. Hang in there.xxx


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## Loulou4- (Sep 18, 2014)

Hi feelingsupersonic, just wanted to let you know that your not alone, luckily the people who I've chosen to confide in about our Infertility have all been really supportive, but from reading posts on here the last few years there's a fair few stories about how insensitive people are, even towards people who have suffered loss and miscarriage.  I find it incredible how self involved people can be and seem to have a complete lack of empathy. I'm sorry you haven't had much support from family and friends.

I was diagnosed with early menopause at 33, about 3 years ago. Im now nearly 27 weeks pregnant after donor egg treatment in Greece.  It was our third transfer though and after 2 negatives I thought on some level it would never work, so I've been there. After the 2nd failed go we took about a year out and looking back I can't believe I had the patience to do that, but ivf can be such an emotional strain. 

I sometimes think now that me being pregnant might be hard for others looking on who are struggling, assuming that it came so easy for me. If only they knew. You never know what really goes on in people's lives and people rarely share about fertility problems, there seems to be a stigma and everyone can be so competitive nowadays esp on social media. 
Your time will come, and I wish you the best of luck, i best go I'm rambling! X


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Feelingsupersonic,

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling and that your family and friends are not being supportive. Welcome to the site as you will find support here. 

I would like to say you are a proper woman and it sounds like you have a lovely DH.  

I can understand the feeling of grieving for a baby that you are longing for and do not have.  Have you considered speaking to a counsellor. Our final cycle has just failed and so I am planning on asking the clinic to pass my details to the  counsellor so I can arrange an appointment with her.  

As you are using donor eggs you might also  find it useful to look on the donor conception thread.  

Wishing you the best of luck for your cycle.


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## JFizz (Oct 16, 2012)

Feelingsupersonic, you are not alone and certainly not a failure. The world is baby crazy and unless you are in our situation I don't think you get it. When I said this to someone (a mother) the other day they told me that this was not true and the world is not set up just for motherhood because I can "go to the cinema or eat out whenever I want"  . I have now stopped trying to explain to people what it's like in our position as it just makes me angry, instead I just smile and speak to my DH or some other people that I have managed to connect with that are also in this position. My husband has also said to me that he has felt he should leave me (as we have male factor problems) as someone on the other side this was the last thing I wanted, when I decided to spend the rest of my life with my DH it was because I loved him, having a child would have been a bonus but it's not the reason i'm with him. If my husband left me, not only would I still be childless but i'd also lose the most important person in the world which is even more heartbreaking to think about. I'd recommend reading a book called the baby matrix and rocking the life unexpected these were really helpful in making me feel less like a freak, I still have those days when it all comes back but they are getting fewer. The other thing I did when I started getting those really dark thoughts was go to my GP and got some anti depressants and started exercising which has helped me a lot.


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## Riley12 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi feelingsupersonic,

Welcome to Fertility Friends honey  

I could have written your post myself, except it was my sister who announced her pregnancy just after I was told my insides were a mess and conception was only viable with IVF. She was also the insensitive one and not once asked how we were doing or even said "I'm sorry for your loss" when we went through 2 missed miscarriages. It was a sad and dark time for me and I just wanted to reach out to you. Even now, after my little miracle came along, I still have some sad thoughts when I see a pregnancy bump which is odd I know but I guess they remind me of our struggles and the sadness. 

As the previous poster has said, I think counselling is a good idea as well as speaking to your GP. 

Your DH sounds a lovely man and a great support for you. There are so many members here who will listen and support you too. It's an amazing site and somewhere you can vent and ask for advice freely. 

I wish you nothing but good luck on your journey. 

Riley12 xx


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## Ditzygirl (Jun 8, 2016)

You definitely should consider counciling. Is there a support group in your area,? If not, could you start one up? Try to focus on keeping your body healthy for your treatment, so eating well and exercising. Get lots of fresh air. Does your husband know how you feel? Big hugs to you. xxxx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Feelingsupersonic, there is so much from your post I could have written myself and you are definitely not alone.  I have all those feelings of inadequacy and get the insensitive comments.  People  just do not understand and say things like have I thought about adopting or that having kids is not all it's cracked up to be.  Adoption is a completely separate thing and does not suddenly make up for the grief of not being able to have your own child.  
Utterly sick of these mum blogs that keep popping up on my ** newsfeed and the general feeling that you're not part of the club so you 'don't know what it's like / how hard it is etc etc'.  I definitely feel like an outcast and it's hard as people have no idea about the pain of infertility unless they've been through it.  They have no idea about the intensity of grief you feel.
We have the opposite issue in that we are going for donor sperm after finding out my partner doesn't produce any.  Initially he said I should find someone I could have children with but I said that's ridiculous as I love him.  I would much rather be with him and not have children, painful as it would be, than lose him.  I chose him, regardless of whether he can father children or not.  
I agree with the others that counselling could be a really good idea for you.  I'm on a waiting list and feel it will help to process everything. xxx


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## Sah78 (May 22, 2014)

I understand what you are feeling it is a really raw situation I find that people don't know what to say .. ( they don't understand infertility) a friend that I confided in said to me I don't know whether I will have anymore children but I am lucky I have my son   thanks for that ( kick in the stomach) my mil is not a support either when my dh tells her we got a bfn she switches it to how tough her life is ...

Your dh sounds lovely and you are a team. 

I think you should speak to a councillor to get everything off your chest. I don't tell many people about my journey and at work they don't have a clue as the main topic of conversation is children and grandchildren. 

 All the best


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Sah78, my mum tries to be supportive but I've stopped telling her how I feel now as if I ever say anything she just says 'well I have to put up with grandchild talk all the time.....all my friends just talk about their grandchildren all the time so I feel left out of that'.  Thanks!  That makes me feel doubly worse that I can't provide a grandchild either!


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## Bellzez (May 29, 2016)

Hi feelingsupersonic, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. You are not alone! I could have written your post. Everything you feel, I have felt. I haven't been able to be part of ******** or Instagram since Feb this year because I find seeing others announce their pregnancies too painful. I often feel anger and resentment towards friends and family who are either pregnant or have babies. I too feel that I will never see my family again. My SIL has two children from IVF and is planning to use her last frozen embryo in January to see whether she can have her third child. I'm absolutely dreading it as I know it will work and we will still be struggling. I also have early menopause which was diagnosed at 33. I'm incredibly angry that my crappy GP faffed around for six months before eventually referring me to our local fertility clinic who then within 5 minutes announced we were not eligible for NHS finding. All that time wasted for nothin. I have met other women with fertility issues but I always feel like my situation is worse. We have recently found that my partner has a severe sperm issues do no sperm and no eggs. Can't get worse than this. I too have had suicidal thoughts although no intention of acting upon them. It's a very dark place to be and my heart goes out to you my love. The great news is, you have a lovely man with sperm. Donor eggs is not what you wanted but it's a wonderful alternative and although you're expectations are low, that's probably a coping mechanism as the success rates are not bad. Serum is supposed to a be a great clinic also. All the best xxxx


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## sunshine and clouds (Sep 28, 2014)

Good luck ladies. Serum is a great clinic. 

I hear you and feel the same way. Just want this fertility journey to be over soon. Losing strength now


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## Feelingsupersonic (Jan 1, 2016)

Hi All

Just wanted to say a belated but massive thank you to you all for taking the time to reply to my post. Can't tell you how much it helped during a dark time - so I'm very grateful for your kind words.
Currently abroad having our first cycle of DE/IVF treatment. DE collection was yesterday and we are now just waiting to hear if or how many eggs were collected and how many have been fertilised. So excited but so terrified that it has all gone wrong. 

Hope you are all doing ok.

Lots of love to you all xx


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## Riley12 (Aug 12, 2013)

Great update! Masses of good luck to you xx


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Fingers crossed  for  good news for you.


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