# BFN cant take anymore!!



## janiefiori (Sep 20, 2010)

After a long 2ww and the feelings that go with it, I was so positive and thought "this is the one". After 6 years TTC and all the stress and hurt I put everything into this one!! 
The first cycle started 2 years ago, I had over 100 follies so they cancelled and I had ovarian drilling.  Then I started again but the same thing happened but i got to 2 days before EC... so close but they cancelled again.  This time they put me on such a small dose of 75iu gonal f and went down to 37.5 for 3 days then back up to 75iu.  This seemed to be containing the follies and I got to EC and got 7 eggs.Then only 5 fertilised and then only had 2 embies and no frosties.  They were 4 cell and 5 cell.

We live so far away from the clinic ( 3 hour round trip) and had to drive every other day for scans and blood tests as i over responded to gonal f so they wanted to keep a close eye on what was going on.  This went on for 3 weeks!! The longest roller coaster I have ever been on.  

When I tested I couldnt believe what I was seeing I looked at it from every angle, under the light, outside checked it 100 times and still it was a BFN!!  
The devastation was to follow, and 5 days later its not getting any easier!!
I dont know what to do we simply do not have the cash to go on, never mind the strength!  I am 33 and DH is 40 I think we need to take some time out from all of this but am worried that we will leave it too late and it will only get harder.
I have PCOS DH has no problems the blame lies with me and that kills me, sometimes I think I should let him go and find someone else who can give him a family!
Anyway sorry for ranting I just needed to get this out, I am finding it hard to talk to anyone about this, in fact impossible! 
I just dont want to hear the words " you never know you might get pregnant on your own when this all dies down, it happens".
I know it can happen but not to me!
Sometimes I think I need to accept that it is not going to happen and move on,  I JUST CANT.....


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## Juls78 (May 2, 2009)

I have no words of wisdom for you hunny but didn't want to read and run.  This path we have to follow is so hard- to keep strong all the time is impossible. I seem to be constantly living a lie by not really being myself, as 'normal people' wouldn't be able to cope with the real messed up me. 

It sounds like you have really been through the mill and what with all the travelling you must be exhausted. Take a bit of time , look after eachother and try to gather the strength to go again, because you will, because we have to!

Thinking of you   

julsx


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

Dear janie


do not despair! I know you feel devastated right now...but you are still young and there is still time for you to have a baby of your own one way...or another....Im a 'golden oldie' I can tell you there's alot of activity on the over 40's threads and loads of 40+ and 45+ actually do get pregnant ( not me yet though)...and go on to have babies.....  


Money is always a problem...but really, you can take a break, re group and come back when you have more funds, look at all the options, read and read get lots of information , and decide what the best treatment and where . 
Having IVf is a minefield, your local clinic isnt always the best one,and if you have to travel...you may aswell travel to a good one(they do vary greatly) and your money may be best spent elsewhere...... if all else fails, you can go abroad where treatment is much cheaper...and eventaully if that doenst work and you still have problems with your eggs you can have donor eggs... dont freak out!   its fine...donor eggs are just a donated set of instructions, your body makes the baby- its still your baby...  .so all is not lost...it is possible to try have a baby of your own...even if you had a year off you could still come back to it when your up to it....you'll get there one way or another but maybe not as quickly or on the way you first thought..
hugs   
Lily X


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## janiefiori (Sep 20, 2010)

thanks for the posts!!!
I am feeling a bit better now, its always so hard the first couple of days.
I think I just need to get my life back together some how and try to get healthy and maybe one day my body might decide to give me a baby until then there is no point of destroying mine and my DH husbands life....
Keeping busy is the key and doing all the things that we used to do before all this began.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your journey
xxxxxxxxxx


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Jane
I have had 3 BFN's and its horrible but one positive I would look at is that this cycle they worked out how to stimulate you correctly- and you got a safe number of eggs and made some embryos, I also have PCOS and had a cancelled cycle before my full cycle- once they have got it right once they can do it again, unfortunately there is still a chance element at the embie sticking point,   

I would take a break- get healthy and try and enjoy time with your DH- 

Another posiitive with PCOS- is that we do have a big egg reserve- part of what causes the problems- so you have got time, 

Thinking of you   

Livity K


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## MrsMossy (Mar 4, 2010)

janiefiori- I have just had a failed attempt ( well, i had y bfp then lost it 3 days later), This was a week ago and its not any easier. reading your post helped in a funny way because although you sound so very sad in the post it was good to know someone unders me and feels the same way i do. I dont have anyone to share my feelings and pain with so this is really helping.
I hope you are feeling alot better now and you are moving on wards and up wards! X


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