# Help, keeping sane & coping with family!



## Noodle001 (Dec 13, 2012)

How do you keep family relationships going and keep yourself sane!!!  It's so difficult trying to stay positive and just when I think I've got myself into a good frame of mind something else seems to happen to knock me back to square one! Dealing with pregnancy announcements, especially close family is so difficult. We've been TTC for over 4 years. Last year, a few months before our Wedding I was diagnosed infertile - it really floored me, we thought about cancelling the Wedding I was so distraught. I had to cope with cutting remarks from my sister telling me to 'grow up' when I kept breaking into tears, and 'why don't you just adopt'! Whilst my Mum and in-laws acted as if nothing had happened! But with amazing support from my (now) husband I managed to focus on the positives in our life & get into a good frame of mind for our Wedding. We had an amazing day and I felt in such a good frame of mind thinking for the first time since my diagnosis that I could face this & our ivf journey. Then, less than 2 weeks after our Wedding both my sister and my sister-in-law (both younger) announced they were pregnant with number 2! My in-laws first baby wasn't yet a year old, they have no money and live in a 2 bed house but my sister-in-law told me getting pregnant now meant she wouldn't have to go back to work!!! They didn't even acknowledge that it might be hard for me & my husband to deal with and carried on in a bubble complaining it would be difficult with 2!. We've carried on seeing them throughout her pregnancy, it's been hard but trying to be happy and positive for them, and no mention of how we felt. Now the baby has just arrived I haven't been able to go and see them yet..... At the same time my sister has been even more difficult to cope with - when she told me she was pregnant I said 'congratulations that's great news, but you'll understand I need time to get my head around it' (she had told me they weren't trying for number 2 yet) She said ok, but next day was on the phone telling me I should be involved in her pregnancy as I 'might not get the chance to go through it myself'! I then had her husband on the phone telling me I needed to support my sister and as she had had some bleeding early on they were going through a much more difficult time than us, we should be thankful that they didn't announce she was pregnant at our wedding! and I needed to stop being selfish or I could cause a miscarriage (just unbelievable and hurtful - all because I said I needed a bit of time and wasn't straight round to congratulate them) they went on to say more hurtful things so we just distanced ourselves from them, they then said if I wasn't going to be there and put them first we couldn't see our gorgeous nephew (who we love to bits) which was really hard. She's now had the baby (they didn't let us know!) I sent a congratulations gift and my sister posted it back! All of this has really impacted on my state of mind, relationship with my husband and rest of our family... I feel like I'm seen as jealous.. It's so difficult, and the only way I feel I can cope is by blocking it all out and keeping busy focusing on my husband and I and preparing for ivf - but it's all so sad, particularly not having a close relationship with our nephew & nieces. I hate what infertility is doing to us, any coping tips from anyone going through similar would be great to hear. Sorry this turned out to be such a long ramble!!!


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## tricia1012 (Mar 20, 2014)

Hello , just reading your post it's so similar to how I feel  want to send you a big   . It's so hard for anyone to understand how we feel until you've gone through it . Have you tried to sit down with your sister or even write to her and tell her how difficult this is for you and your husband ? It's wrong the way she's treating you but maybe she just doesn't understand the extent of it .

My husbands sister told us yday that she's having her 5th child again so she doesn't have to go back to work! It's so frustrating as she can't even afford to provide for  the ones she has . So I totally understand how you feel . There's no real answer with how to cope with this I to have distanced myself from her as it hurts to see her pregnant all the time , but we can't let this take over our life , planning our treatment always makes me feel positive and happy and keeps me busy . And I do anything inbetween cycles to boost our chances . Have you thought about speaking to a councillor most ivf clinics offer it sometimes it's good to talk to someone who doesn't have an opinion . 

I know it's hard but try and stay positive look at all the lovely stories of success on here , stick at it and you will get your dream  

Tricia xx


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## Noodle001 (Dec 13, 2012)

Tricia, thanks so much for your reply. It's dreadful that any of us are having to go through this but good to hear from others in a similar position to make me feel less crazy! And yes, I agree some of the positive stories on here are great to read and give us hope. 

I fear things with my sister have gone beyond writing a letter at the minute and I need a break from feeling like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall about it! but I will try again when I'm feeling in a better place with it all.

I hope things get easier for you   

Nx


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## tricia1012 (Mar 20, 2014)

Thanks  
I see from your signature your going ahead with ivf , so you need to take care of yourself for now . Surround yourself with positive people who support you, and if others don't well then it's there loss you don't need any added stress at the moment . Your sister will always be there for you maybe some space will do you both good .

I wish you the best of luck , try and keep yourself busy and stress free  

Tricia xx


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Noodle, first off have a big hug xxxxxxxx

Some people just deserve a repeated punch to the face with a lump hammer xxxx 

Being diagnosed as infertile is like running into a brick wall with a blindfold on at 100 mph, you don't see it coming and it hits you hard. The problem is amplified that there's never any after care, support or advice from the person who gives you a diagnosis. It's just "here's your diagnosis, shut the door on your way out...next!" You are left reeling and wondering how on earth to a) deal with it and b) tell your family. It can hit families hard too because they don't understand it and very ignorant to treatment/emotional impact and the trauma of treatment. To the uninformed, you just treat cancer with chemo, you go bald and you're cured, right? To the patient there's so much more to it than the horrid physical treatment, there's the emotional and mental impact which outsiders forget and don't learn about. The same can be said about infertility, nobody really knows much about it, but you just have a few injections and hey presto you have quads, what's all the crying about?

It's a silent epidemic shrouded by taboo and rumours. I've learnt to educate people who don't understand by showing them this site, explaining our condition, show them statistics and take them through what happens in a cycle. Also going through the adoption process with people to show them you can't "just adopt". 

Ignorance leads to fear, education leads to acceptance. Or just punch them squarely in the face and blame your hormones!!!!!!


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

Scribbles - I could not have put that better!  

Noodle, infertility can be isolating.  Can you speak to your mum and get her to talk to your sister?  They obviously do not understand how devastated you are by this!

Good luck with your treatment x x x


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi Noodle001,

This sounds really hard, sorry you had to hear all those hurtful things being said to you  . You're not selfish, you're just trying to cope as best you can with all of this.  I have two sister who are both younger than me and both have children, one has a 10 year old and a 1 year old and the other has one who is nearly 2.  I love being with them so much it's really wonderful, but I get jealous sometimes, like yesterday one of my sisters text to say they had all been out to the park together. I felt really left out and jealous, I want to be able to go along with a baby of my own.  It;s been hard as they live near to each other and have both been off work and spending time together, I really wanted to have a baby at the same time so we could all do that.

Also sometimes its hard even when they try to be nice/helpful, my mum said the other day that one of my sisters said she would donate some of her eggs to me...I said "that's very nice mum, but that wouldn't actually help and I don't fancy having my sister and my husbands baby".

I do hope things get easier for you, as others have said do what you need to do for you and good luck with thew IVF!  Take care


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## Noodle001 (Dec 13, 2012)

Scribbles, Jelliebabe & Wisp,

Thanks so much for the replies. Scribbles you sum it up in a nut shell  and it's good to hear from you all. I'm definitely at the end of my tether with how things have been - so now resolved to put me & hubby first. First step - I've skipped going to a meet up with the in-laws this eve - a pang of guilt, but massive relief at not having to meet the new baby just yet & not having to put on a brave face, pretending that everything is well! Breathing a big sigh of relief!!!

Wisp - I can completely identify with that - sometimes it's worse people knowing & saying difficult things.

Lots of best wishes to you all x


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi noodle, I'm afraid I'm not much help but can sympothise as I'm in a simular situation. 

My brother got his girlfriend pregnant by mistake and came crying round my house, happened to be 2 days after I got told I was infertile, all they could do was talk about what should they do!  I told them I would be able to cope but they need to be delicate, Anyway they have since gone on to have the baby and haven't spoken to me or made any contact since and they only live 3 miles away. I haven't ever seen my niece who is now 2 years old. 

The way I look at it is, sibling or not we are better off without them. Infertility really does show you the people who care for


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## Luck2014 (Oct 1, 2013)

Noodle

From reading your initial post, I see that your sister is the selfish one not you by wanting you just to be happy for her without any empathy for your situation whatsoever.  It's like she dismissed your fertility problems and thougth 'hey, just focus on me'.  It makes me so angry when people are like this.  I'm lucky that my family are quite sensitive but had a friend recently that *** me off by not having empathy about my difficulty in conceiving.  Wishing you all the luck in the world for your future xx


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## Noodle001 (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks Luck and Alotbsl, it's good to hear from people who empathise and make me feel less isolated in all of this.  Alotbsl, so sorry to hear about your brother and niece - it's been 9 months since we saw my nephew and I have never met my sisters baby who is a few weeks old now - it's so sad isn't it.  Have you found it easier over time? How do you cope with wider family gatherings? I can't believe our families put us through all of this at just the time when we need them...!


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