# yet Another newbie! ^



## Guest (Jan 17, 2007)

I'm really new to this site, in fact I feellike a bit of an imposter when I read that most people on here have already had their infertility diagnosed, and are having treatment.I'm 34 and my other half is 28.We've been together for 6 1/2 years and he has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I hada miscarriage in 96 (previous relationship) and a termination in 97 (previous relationship.) Other half not really bothered about having children, but we've not been using any contraception for 4 years. I feel so sad, so cheated, so guilty, and so empty. I went for 21 day progestorone test in April, which was fine, but no further tests can be carried out on me until OH goes for sperm tests-which he refuses to do, so I'm stuffed.Cycle is usually around 25/26 days, butthis month have had a very light bleed on day 16. Things seem to be getting worse. I don't understand what is going on inside me.
Nikki


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## Elodie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hello Nikki 

Sorry to hear that you are having problems  .

Can you tell your other half how you feel about having children?  How would he feel if he knew you were so unhappy and upset because of this?  I think you need to have a really good chat with him so that you can tell him exactly how you are feeling and try to sort things out.  You're only going to feel worse if you can't sort this out, as it is going to be a huge issue between the two of you.  

Everyone is really friendly and helpful on this site and I am sure you will get lots of support from it.  

Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes.  Keep us updated on your news.

Love
Elodie
x


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## *Scooby* (Sep 16, 2006)

Nikki

Welcome to FF I am sure that you will feel at home very quickly.  

Sorry to hear about your problems, is there anyway that you could talk to him about how you feel?  

 

Linda xx


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## Guest (Jan 17, 2007)

Thank you for your support.It's such a lonely place I'm at.My partner has his own demons regarding babies I think due to previous partner having his baby (now 7) and they had already split up when she found out she was pregnant.To be honest, I can barely mention the issue, and of course as something is obviously not working then I'm going nowhere fast.He even hid my Zita West book the other day, and says he's notready for children yet.He hasn't a clue how I feel.Obviously, I've always hoped that it would just happen naturally, kind of 'whoops accident', happily ever after. No such luck. So my lot is being step mum to (lovely) 7 year old Alex every weekend for past 6 years, but inside crying for a baby of my own.


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi Nikki honey

Here's a big hug for you









What an awful situation for you to be in, my heart goes out to you. All the members here will sympathise with you honey as we all know how awful that yearning and yearning for a child is 

You seem to be in a bit of a "catch 22" situation, but as the other girls have already said, the only thing I can really advise is that you sit your DH down and really make him listen to you. Perhaps if you explained to him just how strong your yearning for a child of your own is he might start to understand and consider trying. It sounds to me like he has gone through an awful experience with his ex partner, and being a typical man has now buried his head in the sand and is refusing to see how this is affecting you. It may help if you could persuade him to see a counsellor with you, or a third party, who could try to help him understand the depth of your feelings.

I wish you lots of love and luck Nikki, and I wish there was something more I could say to help. I don't know if you are familiar with chatrooms but we have a great one here, it might help you to talk to people on a one to one basis about your feelings, even if it's just to get it all off your chest? If you need any help using the chatroom then just send myself or Dizzi Squirrel a message, or post on here, and we can arrange to meet you in there for a one2one session to explain how it all works and answer any questions you might have.

*********

Take good care Nikki
Love
Tracy
xx


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## reality (Nov 13, 2006)

Hi Nikki,

I am sorry that you are feeling down at the moment.... sending you a  

I agree with the advice given, perhaps if you sit down and explain to your other half how much it means to you to have children, perhaps he will open up to you a bit more and you could discuss how you both feel and try to work out a compromise.

I wish you lots of luck - you will get lots of support from FF   

Reality xx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Nikki
Like the other girls have said weclome to FF and you have come to the right place to share your feelings and there are lots of lovely girls on here who will chat with you and understand what you are going through.
It sounds such a difficult situation and I am not sure how you are going to get him to talk, to be honest I still find it hard talking to my dh about things and it seems to be after we have had a drink or 5 mins here or there and we rarely sit down and discuss our feelings so not sure what to suggest.  It sounds like he really does have a thing about it because hiding your book sounds a bit drastic, I suppose he things he is young still at 28 and I suppose he is and of course he must have been only 21 when he had his first dd so perhaps there are issues there he did not address (and who does at 21) perhaps you could try talking about that time to him and see if you get anywhere. Whatever good luck.
I took a long time to find my second dh and had lots of previous relationships along the way including a first marriage but I now realise that I have probably left it too late as the second child is just not happending and I am now 42 but perhaps I was the most fertile in the first marriage but neither of us were ready. 
anyway good luck nikki
take care
susie


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## kitten1 (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi Nikki 

I feel really sorry for you!  It took me ages to get my dp to agree to try for a child two years ago, when we were both 25. I said to him that it wud take more than likely take us over a year anyway for me to get pregnant!! Little did I know!!    Eventually, after me gettin very emotional and upset after a few drinks, he realised how much I wanted a family and how much our not being able to concieve was hurting me. 

Im lucky in that my dp suggested we have tests and he even made the appointment for us!! Unfortunately, we found out that dp has a low sperm count and we are now waiting to go for our first appt with the fertility clinic, which is in Feb.

Hang on in there Nikki. Keep trying to talk to him, even if it means havin a few drinks and letting it all out!! Eventually, he will come round and maybe be able to discuss his fears with you. 

 and  and         for you! 7 is supposed to be a lucky number!!!

Mandy xx


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Nikki

Welcome to FF!

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time of things at the moment and I understand what a lonely place you're in.   I can't stress enough though how important it is to resolve these issues before you become pregnant.  It's a myth that babies who happen "whoops by accident" patch up relationships because they don't hunny, they're the final nail in the coffin.

I think it's important you communicate your feelings with your partner one way or another and if you are finding it difficult to talk to him face to face then perhaps you need to write him a letter.  This is not just about having a baby Sweetie, it's about fundamental flaws in the relationship which mean that he finds it necessary to hide things to stop you acting against his wishes and you feel constantly cheated and as if the only way to not compromise your own feelings is to try and move progress forward on your own.  If you read back over your post I am sure you will see how dysfunctional this relationship is and how potentially destructive it is for you both.  You really need to sit down and honestly discuss some of these issues before they ruin the relationship you have together and it may be that a letter is the first step.  I feel your partner is struggling to be part of a conversation about it because there's a lack of trust (on both parts) that each partner will be listened to non-judgementally and that the conversation wont be full of blame and recriminations.

It's always important when trying to discuss anything with your partner to avoid using blaming statements.  So for example perhaps you could say "I am sorry you feel like you have to hide my books to avoid me doing things which you won't approve of, I am sorry I have made you feel like that".  Obviously Sweetie it's not good that your partner feels so mistrustful of you regarding this that he feels you would do things behind his back.  Having a baby has to be a joint venture it has to be something you are in together and both completely commited to.

I know this is hard to read hunny and I send you a big  for being brave enough to get through to this stage.  The bottom line is hun, you need to establish if you both want the same things from life and if you do then happy days, you have to arrive at a compromise about when you will both be ready to start investigations.  If he says he doesn't want children or the timescales he gives are not something you can live with then you really have to decide whether there is a future in the relationship at all.

Of course aside from all the other issues he is 6 years younger than you and as men are generally much more immature than women anyway that is a significant emotional age gap between you and this could be the cause of some of the problem.  

I would urge you to write that letter and let him know how bad this is all making you feel and dont be frightened to let him know you are unclear about what the future holds for you both and you need some definition.  I think once he's had chance to read your letter (so long as you avoid blaming statements) he will be relieved that things are finally out in the open. Just hand the letter to him and say "I feel we have some stuff we need to work through, I'm not feeling we're very good at talking through it at the moment so I've written you a letter about how I feel, I hope when you've read it we'll be able to sit down and have a purposeful chat".  Imagine how threatened he must feel that he feels he has to hide books from you?  

I sense your pain and distress hunny but I feel things are not a picnic for your partner either.  You really do need to resolve these issues either through counselling, mediation or just a good long chat.

Take Care hun  


Amanda xxxx


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## Guest (Jan 18, 2007)

I've just come home from work and read all of your posts for me.I can't begin to tell you how amazing it feels to have this support, even though I don't know any of you.That strangers would take the time to write like that is so encouraging, especially being as all of you in your own way are facing the same struggle as me.I will definately write other half a letter explaining exactly how I feel.I hadn't really considered before the fear he may be feeling too. He's never been certain that his little girl is really his, due to the circumstances, but never wanted to do DNA as he'd already bonded with her. I think he may be scared to have tests incase he's infertile, even though I know in my heart it's me.Thank you all.I wish you all the best of luck too.
Nikki


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Sweetheart, it may help if you explain to your DH that even if his sperm count is low now, it doesnt necessarily mean that it was low 7 years ago when his daughter was conceived. I think your last post explains a lot! Your DH may feel that if he has a test now and there is something wrong with is fertility, then his ex has deceived him and he will have to face lots of emotional trauma regarding his little girl. BUT you can reassure him that this will not necessarily be the case! My friend has 2 children and they left a gap of a number of years before trying again for another and failing repeatedly. They had necessary tests and it was due to his sperm count that they were struggling HOWEVER his other two children are definitely his honey  No doubt about it!!!

Hope that helps, you could maybe put it in your letter?

Good luck hunnie
Love
Tracy
x


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Nikki

I'm glad you're starting to feel cyber-cuddled by us all!   Here's another one 

Tracy is so right and I guess that is a lot of what he's worried about that if he has a problem then it would make him face up to the fact that the other little girl isn't his.  Gosh, there is a lot to work through here hunny, but getting him to open up and be straight with you is the first step.  Of course, he could have attachment issues with women and could also feel like he cant trust them.  He sounds like he's been through enough to make him feel mistrustful of women with good reason (before you I mean hun).  Showing you can be trusted to not ride rough-shod over his feelings will be a great big first step here hun.

 with your letter

Amanda xxxx


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

Hiya Onlysam

Sheena here. My situation not too different from yours except Im older. I didn't list on my profile that I had termination too, 10 years ago. 3 miscarriages, and a DH (2nd marriage) but who wanted to wait a while [7 years] before trying for babies. Now, he's as gutted as me at where we've ended up and all the stuff that goes with it. im on meds following blood poisoning ast summer (aftr a msicarrigae at 4 mths) which lefts me with neuro problems, some all in allm, one big mess but still trying. DH is ill too now since December with depression but we are fighting it together and he promises me now that he will never give up.

Im looking forward to my next 2WW (natura) but we are also thinking up other ideas - consultant doesn;t seem to think treatment needed but at 40 I have to feel like Im doing something, and another msicarriage would send me over edge I think. Im alreasdy suffering acute anxiety.

Anyway - keep up to date with us, especially during your 2WWs ok - be lovely to hear from you. Use the Peer Support area orthe 2WW area for example.

Big Hugs
Sheena xxxx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi nikki and welcome to the site 

So sorry to hear of your problems etc - it cant be easy. I hope we can offer u some advice and support.

Good luck with everything

Kate xx​


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2007)

Thank you Kate and Sheena. I'm so sorry for your loss Sheena, youn must be so strong.I'm sorry that your husband is poorly as well, it really does put such a strain on things.xx
I had a slight 'bleed' last week, well more like kind of brownish blood, not much, but it was on day 16 of my cycle, which is usually a regular 26 days. I freaked out, because it just added to this mystery surrounding what's wrong with my body, so now I'm really tense, waiting to see whether it happens again.Anyway, my OH wanted a bit of how's yer father last night as he was going away for today until tuesday, and I just couldn't in case he made me 'bleed' again. He really lost it with me, said i was going weird on him and locked himself in the spare bedroomfor the night.Great. And no Iwon't see him until Tuesday. I'm definately going to write a letter to him while he's away explaining how I feel, because I think he's really loosing it with me.
Nikki


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

Hiya Nikki

Hope you've lots planned now until Tuesday to keep you occupied. Im a bit shaky today, not sure if I ovulating this cycle or not and like you constantly wondering what's worng with me so I can try to solve it.  If only it was that easy ey.  I think unexplained IF is so cruel, especially as I get older and start to panic.  Im worried about you having it all on YOUR shoulders  - really really hope OH comes round to understanding all this.

In mean time, big hug, and lets hopewe can put our trubles aside today and relax.  Im doing recycling today and then a walk. Don't feel like it mind - very windy and I just WANT TO BE A MUMMY.  

Sheena xxx


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## reality (Nov 13, 2006)

Hi Nikki,

I have been reading your thread and I am sending you lots of     

I thought Amanda's post was exactly what you needed, an impartial point of view, I am glad that you feel supported because that will help you to deal with your issues.

I think that your other half being away will give you time to write and re-write your letter so that it says exactly what you want it to say, re-read it at least three or four times to make sure that he cannot take anything the wrong way....... remember that fertility treatment is incredibly stressful and you need a solid base to start from. I hope that you manage to work things out - stay strong and positive.

Reality xx


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## Guest (Jan 20, 2007)

Thank you reality, what is really good about this site, is that people that don't even know you, actually take thetime out to write you a message of support a what is such a lonely time otherwise. It's lonely for me because of my DP's negativity, and the factthat he just won't talk to me aboutit. It's also lonely because I'm a primary school teacher, surrounded by children all day. I've worked at the same school since I was 27, and people just ask youas you get older don't they, have you thought about having any? (Do I think about anything else?)as if you are a freak to be a teacher and not have anyof your own.Thatnk you reality, I also send you lots and lots of luck too.     
Nikki


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

That's Ok Nikki.  Im better, getting by and atleast I was pregnant - I see it as a good sign.  

Sunny today here but very cold - may have snow. DH is playing on his Xbox - Im sure it's a distraction for him, bless.

Deep breathes ... we'll get through today.

Sheena xxxxxxxx


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