# Totally deflated!



## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

My husband and I were approved in November and SW came to see us about our first link today.  We specified in matching criteria that we were uncomfortable with both parents having mental health issues, but both parents did and BM family have extensive mental health/suicide/self harm issues.  We are not naive and don't expect a perfect child, we only said no to 3 from the large list of matching criteria.

Our SW went off LT sick which was planned just after our panel date, they made no effort to introduce us the new SW and we had to eventually call her a month after panel.  We just feel as if she doesn't get us at all and don't know what to do about it.  Sorry for the moan but just feel totally deflated right now as we were so excited about potential match x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi CR ,

Sorry you're feeling like this but I've heard it can be common when changing SWs. If it were me I'd ask SW for another meeting and have a clear the air meet where you agree what profiles you do wish to see and what you can do to be proactive in your area/nationally.

From memory I think the matching criteria form has would discuss under mh and such it may be what you've indicated that there has been no handover between the SWs.

Personally I don't feel SWs choose your child. Their job is to help you find your family in the parameters you mutually agree on. 

HTH x


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

It said on our form would not accept so quite gutted they came to us as feel like such a bad person for going to say no x

Do you just know when you see your LOs profile? X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Some people do but others don't (I thought he could be but only because there were a lot of things that we had asked in our matching criteria). There's a thread about this a few pages back. My SW said it was unlikely we would find our match on our first profile and I read a great many as we had a long wait.

I know it's disheartening when you've done all the HS and bared your soul and someone can't even read your PAR properly. However I personally wanted this approach for any of the profiles that came through the national register as I wanted to have control and our SW found it as a big positive that we found LO at an exchange day rather than be presented with his profile.

Don't lose hope there's lots you can do and it just means your LO is still to get ready to come to you. Don't feel guilty either, profiles are hard anyway but to read one where you shouldn't have had to is upsetting.

Good luck x


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Thanks Gertie xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Sorry to hear you're feeling like that about your sw.  We said no to foetal alcohol syndrome, but the only child sw has given us very brief details about was a child with very clear signs of the syndrome so we said no and I felt awful for a while afterwards.  Sw said she had mentioned the child just to check we hadn't changed our minds but very frustrating.   you get the right link for your lo very soon


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

We have had to endure exactly the same thing, and even though we have now got a LO nearly home with us, all I can suggest is perseverance - perhaps you could try and have a meeting to discuss your preferences, make sure you get placed on the adoption registers, if that doesn't get you anywhere then I would make a complaint to their manager.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

CRC, I'm so sorry to hear that 

Our SW used to send us lots of profiles that weren't suitable, but at least she sent us lots and not just one! I'd be tearing my hair out if I were you. Having the profiles to view at least made it feel as though we were doing something and we hadn't been forgotten. I don't know how I'd have coped with virtually nothing happening at all.

I think Paul's suggestion of requesting a meeting to discuss matches is a good idea. Be honest with your new SW and tell him/her how frustrated you're feeling - they must realise how hard it's been for you to have to change at such a key point. Insist you go on the register and ask if they can send you _all_ links.

If lack of time to visit you is an issue, you could ask if they can email you instead? They shouldn't have to come out to see you; we had NR links and profiles emailed to us regularly. If there were any LOs we liked, then we'd ask for a meeting to discuss further.

I really hope you get your match soon CRC! Hang in there


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Most of it can be done by phone and email, this what we have done post approval both times with our SW, all correspondence has been via email or telephone, she obviously came for the link meeting with FF and SW, we did most of our family finding ourselves, we subscribed yo both BMP and CWW we contacted SW and liaised with them ourselves, obviously, PAR and CPR are exchanged via SW and dates fixed through them, but sometimes it pays to be pro active yourselves as well.

Good luck Hun, your child is out there somewhere and it will happen x


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your support x

Was awake all night feeling awful about saying no but after a long chat with our SW I feel so much better, think she gets us a bit better now and hopefully next LO will be a better match x

Was just shocked that only one we had been told about was totally wrong for us and was worried about finding the LO for us x

Thanks for info about registers and stuff will definitely be enquiring.

Paul, when does your LO come home? You must be so excited? X

Sq9 here's to some good news soon x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

crazyroychick said:


> Paul, when does your LO come home? You must be so excited? X


She's upstairs asleep right now


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Aw amazing, so happy for you x 

How's she settling in? X


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