# Running the gauntlet - Coping techniques?



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello

My wonderful little sister is getting married on Saturday, I am thrilled and excited for her, but it is becoming a bit of a gauntlet for me.

I discovered yesterday that they had been planning to put me on the the same table as a cousin of mine who is only 10 days older than me but heavily preg with her 5th child  

Also, one of the bridesmaids (another, younger cousin) has a 6 month old baby, who she is still breastfeeding, so although children are not invited due to pressure of numbers her baby will be there...and she is definately NOT in the 'discretion' camp when it comes to breastfeeding in public.

Also, my aunty is hosting a hen party for my sister tomorrow night, which means my breastfeeding cousin also being there. They are not a very tactful or imaginative family and I am so scared that my cousin is going to whip out her b00bs and start feeding in front of me. To make matters worse, the baby was born at the time that if my last ICSI had worked i would have had mine, and I find it really hard to get this out of my head, especially as she never wanted to preg and cried when she found out. Her pregnancy and birth made me feel so cheated. 

This is all building up inside of me and I can't talk to my family about this because they are all demented with wedding preparations and I don't want to cloud my sisters happiness. My mum has hinted to me that sister is planning to start trying for a baby quite quickly, so I think this is in the back of my mind too.

Does anyone have any coping strategies for these difficult occasions? (Apart from getting off your face with alcohol , ha ha!)

Hope everyone is ok

E xxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Ermey, 

I was in a very similar situation in March this year - here's what I did....

1. Text buddies - people who would text me or I could text for moral support and inspirational gems! I can do this for you if you would like, just pm me and we'll sort it
2. I made a little card with statements that I find comforting or inspiring and kept a copy in my hand bag so I could read it whenever the anxiety rose - I could email mine to you - I think I still have it
3. I designated someone I could trust at the wedding to look out for me, who would spot if I ducked out
4. I had a relaxation script on my ipod that I could sit somewhere quietly and listen to if necessary - I still have this and could also email if you can download or can send as CD
5. Probably most importantly of all - I gave myself permission to feel how I felt, and be who I needed to be. If I didn't want to mix with certain people, I just didn't. I decided that for that day I really needed not to give a stuff what others thought. Time out is yours for the having, if you make you the most important thing on the day.
6. I made sure I looked as good as I can - it does really help the self esteem if every time you look in the mirror you can feel chuffed with yourself!
7. Don't over-dramatise but let your partner know that you are not looking forward to this and whether there is anything he can do to help - and vice versa; men prefer to be task oriented rather than just left to fret about you
8. This sounds a bit unlikely but trust me - write down what you want to get out of the day in the form of positive simple statements, eg 'I want to be proud of myself for surviving' and keep on reading it; research suggests we are substantially more likely to meet our goals if they are framed positively and written down

If I think of anymore I'll come back and do get in touch if you want help with anything mentioned above....

You'll crack it!

Love, 

MM xxx


----------



## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hey Ermey,

Nope getting off my face usually does the trick! LOL!

Seriously though I think others have mentioned it here before about imagining we are all around you, holding you up, supporting you and cheering you on, when ever you feel it becoming too much.

It's also been mentioned about having something positive to tell about when you get those questions about what you have been up to, and a stock statement for those who are insensitive enough to ask those prying questions.

I haven't quite got all these figured out myself yet but I do recognise the good advise from the rest of our FFs.

One thing I did do before a family party where everyone around me seemed to be pg or have babies was ask my Mum to tell my Aunty about our tx so that they could be sensitive to us rather than barging in on our fragile emotions. 

It seemed to work except then they went out of their way to let everyone esle have a cuddle with my cousins little girl and rather obviously ignored me and DH, but I guess you can't have it both ways. Now I have a signal with DH when I need to be rescued from a conversation and always make sure I know the fastest route to the loos if I have a moment.

I am sure everyone else will have some ideas too, but good luck with it. 

Let us know how you get one.

Vicki
x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Ermey,
I know these horrible situations well - they are too important to avoid (and you wouldn't want to miss it anyway), but the pesence of babies/preggo women mean that it is going to be an ordeal. The first thing to do is to ask not to be seated near your heavily preggo brood mother cousin. A word with your mum (or whoever is doing the seating) should get you out of that one. I'm sure there are other tables where you could go. The breast-feeding bridesmaid is more tricky - I guess you will need to avoid her as much as poss. Prepare yourself for 'the worst case scenario' - whatever that is for you. Go over your response. Think of excuses as to why you suddenly need to leave the room – headache, allergy, urgent phonecall to make (text buddies invaluable here). Think f what you will say. Perhaps have a codeword for your partner that means things are getting too much and you need a breather. Being prepared helps me enormously. It is the times when I'm caught by surprise that hurt the most.
Also try not to dwell on your sister's planning a baby – one thing at a time eh? Focus instead on your sister and love you have for her - it is her day (everyone else, including women who insist on getting their udders out in public can go to hell!)
And if the bridesmaid does have to breastfeed in public - just think to yourself 'Moooo!' and laugh (I'll be laughing with you!)
Bernie xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Ermey

Don't think I can better anything already suggested to get you through the day - the lovely ladies have come up trumps once again!

A few of those tactics mentioned worked a treat for me at a wedding recently where it seemed there was only myself and my DH without offspring. A code word is a great way to let your other half know you are struggling so they can barge in if needs be and help you plan your escape!

If its at all possible break each part of the day into chunks and concentrate on one at a time - the service, the meal, the afterwards events - above all be good and kind and gentle to you!

Please let us know how you get on hon, I will be thinking of you!

Love,
Emcee x


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello all

Thank you lovely ladies for all your suggestions, all of which are SOOOOooooo helpful. Every one of you has said something that is helpful to me. It feels so much better to know that you are all there with me in spirit, so top coping strategy will be thinking of that.  

Hen party is tomorrrow, am going to ask my other sister to 'protect' me from b00b activities tomorrow (!), and I am going to prepare in advance some suitable excuses to leave the room if necessary.

Am in tearing hurry tonight, but will be back on Wednesday to reply properly. 

love to all
xxxxxxxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi girls xxx

Everything is demented here prior to sister's wedding tomorrow. I think my poor mum is losing the plot! My sister lives in NZ, so mum has been having to shoulder almost all the preparations for the last 6 months, it has been so stressful for her...not helped by being a control freak and unable to delegate!  

hen party was one of those very strange occasions where it is both a lovely evening  but also incredibly painful. I know you girls will understand the paradox.

Although I was expecting it to be difficult I hadn't realised just how paiinful it would be. The baby was painfully gorgeous, and right from the beginning I felt vulnerable and exposed. There were only 10 of us, and it was held at my aunty's house which has one open plan room downstairs, which made it very difficult for me to find a way of taking breathers, as most of the evening at everyone sat around in one big sociable circle, so it was very obvious if you got up and left the room. 

I was so determined to be brave and to hide my feelings, but it was so hard. I was doing ok until bridesmaid started breastfeeding in front of me. I had planned that if this happened I would calmly get up and walk out of the room - everyone there knew my circumstances and are very nice people so I felt it would be understood. Howevr, when it came to it, I got up in a daze of trying to keep myself together and focus on getting out, and unfortunately as I left the room another cousin gave me a hug and I completely broke down. It took my surprise as much as it did her. I think i have got used to trying to cope with babies to some extent, but this was a very stark reminder of a very profoundly biological type of mothering that I will never experience.

To cut the story short a very lovely (different) aunty took me into the garden and provided a shoulder and some tissues. After that I'm afraid I resorted to alcohol to dull the emotions, which is just as well, as bridesmaid fed him in front of me another 2 times. I can't be cross at her: although she didn't leave the room she obvously felt she was trying to be discreet, and after all the world doesn't revolve around me and my IF, even if MY world does!

What it has done is make me think that in future I will be better prepared. I wish i had asked your advice sooner as your suggestions were so good, and then I would have prepared myself a little better. i didn't fix up a text buddy as I knew it would be a very intimate party and I thought it might seem intrusive, but in future I am definately going to do this. I had asked my other sister to 'protect me' but it wasn't easy for her as I am not sure she is able to recognise the trigger points. In retrospect I had been hoping that I would cope better than I did - I didn't expect to go to pieces like that and I feel rather guilty for doing so as I didn't want to make any scene or make my sister or cousin feel awkward.

On a positive note, my aunty who hosted it said to me she thought I coped very well, and how glad she was I came (like I would miss my own sisters hen party!    )
She has always found it hard to understand how painful it all is, but she seemed to understand the 'language' of visible emotion - its the unseen permanent knot of invisible pain that she cannot imagine.

Also, on a plus side, I cannot see how the wedding wil be anywhere near as difficult as that evening!!!!! There will be many more opportunities to 'escape' for a start.

Thanks for listeing to my waffle - sorry for anther 'me' post. It just it helps to share it with people I know will TRULY understand, and after all your supportive help I thought I would update you.

I have my brother and my lovely nephew and niece (ages 6 and 9) staying tonight, and then the wedding tomorrow so will catch up with you all next week.

take care all

XXXX


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Ermey,
You did really well!!! And when you got up and your cousin gave you a hug and you broke down - well that was just perfectly natural. You are human, after all. I'm so proud of you! I know you were trying to be strong - but you showed your emotions and by doing so you communicated to the other women some of the pain you are feeling. You said yourself your aunty who hosted it "seemed to understand the 'language' of visible emotion" And I reckon sometimes it's the only thing people can understand. You were being 'real' - and so those women could choose to respond appropriately. Like you say - your aunty took you out into the garden and offered support. (The fact your cousin breastfed in front of you again twice I'll put down to being hormonally challenged or so engrossed in her baby she's lost all sense of the outside world...)
It takes the greatest courage of all to be vulnerable. You are so brave and strong and wonderful - don't you dare forget that!
Bernie xxx
P.S. Good luck with the wedding - I'll be thinking of you and want to hear all about it!


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thank you so much!  

Currently tearing my hair out wondering how to put up two adults and 2 children when we only have spare bed linen for only 1 single bed ha ha! Up into the loft for sleeping bags now.....

will be in touch

have a great weekend

P.S MM - thanks for PM xxxxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ermey - wondering how you got on and just letting you know you've been in my thoughts...

Hope all is well with you hon.

Love & a great big squeeze

Emcee x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes Ermey - waiting for your update. I hope it went ok.
Bernie xxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello my lovely ladies xxx

Thank you so much for thinking of me, it make such a difference doesn't it, being reminded that there are others out there who REALLY know, and who are with you in spirit.

I am absolutely exhausted to day...haven't even showered yet  . There was so much mixed emotion flying around, especially as sister is off on her travels today and goes straight back to NZ after. 

I coped pretty well in the end I guess, parts of it were easier than anticipated (the recption) but parts SO hard. The church service was incredibly hard. I just welled up anyway when i saw baby sister coming down the aisle looking so beautiful and happy, but on top of that there was so much in the service that reminded DH and I of our situation and the hopes we had when we set out on our wedding day. They had a hymn that we'd had at our wedding too, which is all about hope for the future, and part of the wedding vows ask if the the couple will accept children willingly from god, and there was stuff about bless this couple with children. Of course I want all of this for my sister from the bottom of my heart, but it caused a pang for many reasons, not least because DH and I had the same vows and blessings in the same church. 

On top of that I had to do a reading about how love lightens every burden, makes all bitterness sweet and acceptable, and makes every hardship as though it were nothing.  I just could not read it without thinking of the darkest times DH and I have shared    and I was so near to sobbing before I even went up to read, I had to be SO strong to get a grip on myself!

I guess by the time we'd survived all of that the reception didn't seem so scary. There were very difficult moments such as heavily pg cousin being asked about how much she can feel the baby moving. Also at the meal table when it was hard to get away, and being seated in sight-line of 2 newborn babies, and 2 of my cousins (I have so many cousins!) discussing when they plan to start a family. I was seated next to the grooms sister and she and her hubby kept looking across at the baby and exchanging very soppy looks so I guessed they were ttc or already pg.

DH was saying that one of the hardest things in a big loving famly is seeing the people you love most doting on each other's children so much, and feeling unable to be part of it: that not only can we not have this, but also it is so hard to enjoy their children ourselves without so much pain. But as I said to him, at least our family is nice, and not spiteful about it, even if they are a bit accidentally insensitive!

Honestly and truly one of the things that really did lighten my own burden was knowing that somewhere out there was this sisterhood (and brotherhood) of people who I may never have met in person, but who have shared the same painful journeys, and knew exactly what it is like to face these occasions which can be so difficult. 

Thank you all so much for rooting for me, and special thanks to MM.
I have another wedding to go to in 3 weeks time (another cousin!!!!!!) and there will be many more small children of relatives there. I am hoping that it may not be as hard because I am less closely related to the bride and it will be easier to slip away for breathing space, and I am going to focus hard on the solidarity of you lot!!

Hope you all had great weekends

Sorry for long 'me' waffle. love you all

Ermey xxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I'm so proud of you for getting through such a difficult day hon. You deserve a medal!

Was nodding my head in agreement with you about the vows thing - I was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago and almost lost the plot when things were being said at the service about being blessed with children etc and that was a young lady I used to look out for in work many moons ago, would have been a complete wreck if it had been my sister! And you managed to do a reading as well - Ermey, you have simply blown me away, I am in awe of you, that was such a brave and incredible thing you were able to do there!

People just don't realise how tainted all these celebrations become for those of us who don't have families and just how much of an ordeal it is to get ourselves through them. IF really is the hidden heartache, and events like this really smack home to us just exactly what is lacking in our lives.

So proud of you Ermey, hope you both have the time to chill out now - you deserve it.

With much love
Emcee x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

You did great Ermey!    And you even did a reading. That is so incredibly strong - and I'm sure your sister was proud of you too. I think the next wedding will be easier - I guess when we face our fears and overcome them, we gain in confidence to do it again. That doesn't mean that you stop feeling the heartache of course. And you always have us to lean on - solidarity!! 
Bernie xxx


----------

