# I don't know anymore?



## HoneyCupcakes (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi ladies,

I have been on ff for awhile and don't really post that often. I usually use the chat for advice.
I am feeling very, very unsure and confused with how I should be feeling about more treatment and the possibility of either having a life with or without children. I know this may sound strange to alot of you, but for the last few months I'm really unsure as to keep on trying.
I have had 3 failed rounds of ICSI and please don't get me wrong I wanted to do all 3 and was very distraught when I didn't get that bfp. I have never had a positive, and after our 3rd try we went to Athens for immune treatment. We have been booked into starting round 4 in the next month or so. I really feel like I am on a fast moving tread-mill that I'm unsure about staying on. It's like I have been doing treatment for so long that it seems to be routine and part of my life and thoughts.
I'm scared of regretting not trying our first funded round. I have never felt like this before. My DH is happy to go with whatever I want, which is not the answer I'm looking for. I want him to be 100% in, or not.  He is also worried that he is 40 years old, and how he will feel when the child is in his/her teens. On the other hand he is also happy with the idea of adoption but I'm not at the moment, and I've no idea how long the process with be in terms of years, where we will both be older etc etc.
I feel that writing all this down may help me with how I feel when I read it back, but I'm in real need of some advice as to how it really is with having a child or not. I feel awful positing this as I may change the way I feel in a few weeks and this post will sound even worse. I hope I'm not offending anyone, I'm just in a confused place. I'm having my 3rd lap op for my cysts in a week and then Serum will be waiting for the results. It all seems very final and I'm nervous. I don't know how I will feel if I don't go, but also will I have regrets later on.
I know any advice will be I have to make that decision myself ( and DH), but I think I just need some reassurance one way or another.
Thank you for reading xxx


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi Honey,

You sound so similar to me at the moment! 

Treatment is so gruelling and in some ways it would be good to have a crystal ball to decide whether we should carry on or not  

I'm frightened of more treatment, to be honest with you. I'm dreading feeling ill and of more heartbreak   But then I worry that if I don't do another treatment I'm dooming us to a childless future. Adoption is an option, but I think that will be some way down the line...

My DH is also as sweet as yours and is happy to go along with what I want. As you say, not the most helpful response   but at least we have options and they're not dead against alternatives for the future.

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. This process is not easy! 

Maybe take some time to decide and see how you feel after your op and results? 

Best of luck with everything xxx


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## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi,

I think we have all been there with regards to our failures in ivf. Do we go on or can we live a life without children. The thing is when you go through this all the fears are there. And they are very real. Nothin is guaranteed in life. The only advice I can offer really is just have no regrets. you say this is the first funded treatment - where the others nhs? I think you may find a world of difference if this is your first private treatment and they are so more in depth with regards to testing and treatment etc.

I am in a different situation altogether whereby I have been pregnant but have suffered recurrent miscarriages. Do I really want to put my body through all that again. Our next steps is more testing before we go back for our frosties which we managed to achieve on our first private funded cycle. We will have to see
What the future holds but I know if I do not use them I will have regrets. I think there does come a point for everyone who has suffered repeat negatives or losses to really think about what to do next. But you really never know what is round the corner. We have talked about donor eggs or surrogacy but I know I need to try everything we can to have our own first before i can move on. There are plenty of people who have had repeat negatives or recurrent who then go on to have their own and that gives me hope.

You have a very supportive dh. Serum are one of the best so give it a shot. xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

Its so hard isnt it. Its almost like you have too much time to think about everything... if id fallen after we started ttc i wouldnt have had time to think of all the things that have gone thru my mind. Ttc is so personal and tx takes its toll on everyone in diff ways. Youre not alone in your fear honey i promise you xxx


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I think the only advice I can give is to walk the path of least regret.  That has been my theory through all of this.  We can end up with regrets whatever we do, but some are easier to deal with than others.

For example if you go ahead you could end up regretting it with either a BFN or miscarriage etc, but if you don't go ahead you might have bigger regrets for not even trying.

I suspect you are putting yourself under a time pressure by wanting to take advantage of the benefits of your surgery.  If you feel you need the time to think about it, I'm sure an extra month won't make any difference so take it if you feel you need it.

Give me a shout if you want to chat    xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's really ok to be unsure. But don't let artificial things like 'hitting 40' affect your decisions. It's a made up number! it's really not so very different being 38 or 43... how energetic or healthy you are is a more important indicator. 

I think you'll know when the time is right to stop and I think that if you don't know, it isn't time.   I've been trapped in a seemingly endless pattern of... crying because I have my period, having a couple of days feeling 'normal' then feeling like it's time to try again, trying to get pregnant naturally, believing it's worked, getting PMT and sore breasts and believing it's worked then getting my period, crying... and being back at square one with no progress, for best part of 20 years, and then spending around £20000 on ICSI treatment... i'm pregnant again at the moment by some miracle from my third go (having m/ced my second go) I have maybe one or two possible frozen attempts I can try....the point is even now I have no idea what 'the end' looks like even though as I get older and tireder sometimes there are days I think childlessness wouldn't be so bad, for a few minutes at least, sometimes it's nice not to have to share my stuff or be responsible for anyone other than me... I can't plan anything beyond tomorrow since I don't know if I'm just building towards heartache or starting a new life... ivf/icsi is so hard to go through, mentally exhausting... picking yourself up and trying again after a BFN or m/c (I've had both) is hard... like simultaneously wanting so desperately to try again and at the same time just wanting to find peace... just wanting to be able to sleep without worrying, wake up without weeing on some test or other, eat without thinking about vitamins or drink just for fun..... cry without self-pity, laugh without a lump in the throat...celebrate other people's successes without needing a few moments to hide one's own tears.....

nobody knows where the end is. but I believe it will find you, I don't think you necessarily have to know.


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## HoneyCupcakes (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi 2708belle, Sweetpea123, elli78, Dudders and goldbunny,

Thank you all for getting back to me so quickly you have all made me feel less alone in all this, I'm very grateful for your thoughtful and own views on this very personal difficult decision me and DH have to make.

The hardest thing is that I don't know how I will feel in a few months or even years at this point and yes a crystal ball would be an amazing thing to have. Yes, I do think that the pressure of Serum is probably making my thoughts race around in my head and clouding my judgement. I spoke to my mum today and she agrees with you ladies that I should see how I feel after the op. I'm just worried I will still be in the same mind set. She also said that if it did happen Id feel very different and be very happy, but also understands not doing anymore. I can cope with the injections etc its the emotional and metal effects weeks and months after that are so draining. 

Yes this is our first funded treatment,  the money isn't an issue, its the unknown of how life will be. Either path will be very different for us. I feel I'm being very selfish wanting a simple life with me and hubby, but I'd hate the thought of going ahead if we are not 100%  

I have a frostie and now I need to pay £300 to keep it in storage for another year, I think this hasn't helped me as again I feel rushed into another decision.

Thank you all so so, so, so, much for your advice and I'm going to take time whilst recovering to think things though. I have spent the last 2 days talking to DH and trying to get my head straight. This will be the biggest and hardest thing I have had to do.

Lots of    to you all.

xxxxxx


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Big hugs


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

Just take all the time you need hun  

I put time pressures on myself - markers like not carrying on after my birthday and of course we thought great I'm pregnant and don't have to worry about that any more.  Well of course, you know how that ended, but do you know what it doesn't matter now - that milestone is irrelevant now.  I'd also said that I wouldn't do another fresh cycle after the second if it didn't work, and in the time when I was sobbing to hubby convinced it hadn't worked, I remember saying to him that I knew I wasn't ready to stop.

What I'm getting at is that more often than not, the pressures aren't real as such - WE create them.  Don't rush in to anything and if you have to pay £300 to keep the frostie on ice then so be it.

The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with whatever you choose.  I have to be honest and from your second post it sounds to me like you're leaning towards not cycling again but purely because you're not sure you can cope with another failure.  But who's to say it will fail - that's something you could only know by trying.

As I said before, I think it's about the path of least regret.  But it does sound as if you feel you have to justify being satisfied being just a couple, and the reality is that you don't have to justify anything to anyone.  If you are happy with that, stuff everyone else and by the same token if you're not ready to give up the only people that have a say in that are you and your hubby.

Just take time sweetie and you will know what is the right decision for you.  I think sometimes we are all guilty of pretending to ourselves one way or another and make judgements of ourselves for making decisions.  For example, if you decide you want to stop and it makes you feel relieved, then that is the right option for you - don't feel you have to justify it to yourself and when that niggly voice says what if!

Anyway I'm rambling now  

Lots of love and   and always here if you need to chat xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Omg i could have written this post 18months ago   .


Its so so hard it really is, and on sights like this we all encourage each other to carry on, to never give up.  But i think there is a time when stopping is the right thing to do, for the sake of all the other aspects of your life, eg relationship and for the sake of your mental health.  Maybe your beginning to think about this? Im not saying not to do treatment im just saying maybe your beginning to realise that there has to be more to life than treatment and wanting a baby.  We very nearly didnt do our last cycle, we were both so negative about it all, but because the treatment was different as they had found out that i have a chromazone problem and because it was funded we gave it a go, but we were def coming to the end of what we could and wanted to handle.


Did i read that this was going to be a funded cycle? how many do you have?  xxxxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank you Dudders

I think you are right in so many of your comments. I do feel I am having to justify my thoughts of maybe not going ahead, and this is making me feel guilty.   

P.S you never ramble  

Thank you coweyes for your comments and congratulations on the arrival of your baby girl.
Yes this 4th cycle will be funded in Athens and I have had 3 NHS cycles already with 2 different clinics, which all failed.
Its strange to try and imagine my life in the future without children and maybe still having that feeling of being left behind. DH said he feels I'm more into the idea of getting pregnant and not looking at the bigger picture. This isn't completely true, as at the start I would fantasise about everything to silly things like taking him/her on the train or cuddling on the sofa watching t.v. Omg now Im getting emotional. But recently its just been about the clinical aspects of it all. How will it be with real stuff, as I know it wont be all rose tinted glasses. Anyway Im waffling and you all have been wonderful with your advice.

As you have all suggested, I will take time to think about this all.

xx




Again thank you all for your kind words x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

HoneyCupcakes


So is this your last funded cycle? I think that you do loose sight of the fact that your wanting a real live baby from it all and it becomes more about wanting to become pregnant and over coming infertility and all the social stigmas that come with it.  How can it not?  It all becomes so clinical and distorted that you do loose sight of the real reasons why your doing it and tbh if you actually really do want a baby.  Well thats what i felt like, i ended up having treatment for the sake of it and never in a million years thought it would work.  Believe me bringing home a real baby was tbh a real shock. I do also think that its easy to forget that pregnancy and parenthood isn't a bed of roses, eg i wouldn't care if i was up all night caring for my baby! well to put it bluntly, yes you would cos you'd be blooming knackered.  At the time your so immersed in the hear and now that its not quite that black and white, and isnt a bed of roses! I will  be honest and say it is amazing, im not going to go on and on about how great it is as it isnt fair but the benefits do totally outway the negatives.


If you want me to tell you what its like pm me.


Please dont be so hard on yourself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes (Aug 3, 2012)

coweyes

Thank you very much for your heart felt pm

xxxx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

Coweyes its so gud to hear the truth from someone who understands infertility not the people who ooh and ahh after falling in the first month of ttc.  thankyou xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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