# DH crisis!



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
Well, it is 10 days to our Preparation Course and our application forms are poised by the post-box... but while doing the DIY needed to make our house more 'child-friendly' yesterday (i.e. making the most of our living space for a change), my DH dropped a bombshell... he's having a few doubts whether we're doing the right thing! HAVING A FEW DOUBTS!!! We've spent the past 8 months talking about this, going to preparation groups, meeting LAs & SWs, talking to anyone who'll listen... and he's always been saying that its the right thing to do and that he's keen on the idea. Now, with June fast approaching he seems to be getting cold feet, but says that he'll go through with it for my sake. I told him that wasn't enough as we had to BOTH be fully committed or it wouldn't work (the SWs wouldn't let it work, understandably). He is now saying that the reason he's not sure is because he's worried that having a child would mean giving up so much of his time and leave less time for all of his hobbies (he's just taken up a time-and-money-consuming hobby along with the others), of course none of these hobbies include me! Don't get me wrong, we are a good team and still (after 14 years of marriage) very much a 'devoted' couple and I married him knowing that he had many past-times...even then (he just now has more time and money to spend on them), but he had always said that he would like a family. We've tried so hard to obtain this family, so I'm puzzled as to why he's suddenly getting cold-feet? He has now clammed-up and has said that its just a wobble because now it is getting more 'real'.
Sorry this is such a long ramble, but I wondered if any of you girls had experienced the same thing with their DH... is it a 'man-thing'? He's quite a deep thinker and I know that this isn't a whim... he must be genuinely concerned.
Anyway, enough of me whining... I suppose I just wanted to tell someone who'd understand.
Love to you all.
EML


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi EML

Poor you I can understand your panic!  However I think that it is totally natural to be thinking like this.  After all having children is a complete change of lifestyle and yes it will mean having to re-arrange how much time you spend doing certain jobs/hobbies.

My DH was initially against adoption, saying that if we can't have our own then he didn't want any.  So off we toddled and had 10 failed tx so then we sat down and really talked about life without children.  I just couldn't see my life without them and he agreed that he would look into adoption more open mindedly.

Anyway to cut a very long story short, we had the initial visit and then the invite to the Prep course come through.  Still at this point DH was doing it more for me than him.  So four course days later and the transformation in my DH was AMAZING!!  For him the Prep groups showed him that he did have the skills and qualities to be an adoptive parent and it also made him realise that adoption really was the way that our family would be complete.

In essence I think my DH main worry was that he wasn't cut out to cope with an adoptive child.  However the prep group really opened his eyes to what is expected and needed.

I would support your DH's worries and tell him that you understand, but I would encourage him to go along to the groups.  The groups are meant to be the final kind of decision maker as to wether adoption is for you.  Apparently they do get  people drop out at this stage, so it wouldn't be too late to put things on hold if he still felt unsure.

Take care

xx


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

EML - Sorry to hear of this wobble your dh is having.  I know I don't have any personal experience of Adoption or Fostering  but I would like to say, that I think your dh is behaving perfectly normally, but it doesn't mean to say he doesn't want what you want too.

I can remember literally within the last hour before my little boy was born, suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed in the hospital, thinking, OMG, what have I done, my whole life is about to change, am I ready or prepared for this little baby that was about to enter my world - Ahhhhh, I can't do it, I can't cope, I want my own time my own space......... I could not believe that I was feeling like this, after all the baby I was carrying was so long awaited after 16 years of infertility as a couple and several ICSI attempts later, how could I possibly have doubts.

What I'm trying to say, is that it's normal, Children no matter whether they are born to you are you adopt them are going to be the biggest life changing experience of anyones lives.  So not to have any wobbles or doubts would be very unusual. 

Hang in there, support him but encourage him too, as Milktray said, the courses made such a difference.

Does your dh read the site at all?

I've got to admit, that over the last few years, the women posting on here under the Adoption/Fostering thread have been a real inspiration to me, really opened my eyes and I actually believe that those of you that go on to Adopt your children, actually have something so special and the experience you have is just as amazing in becoming parents as it is to those of us that have been lucky enough to have successful treatment - you just have a very different experience.

I know those people that have twins or multiples feel so lucky and special and have their own little 'club' on here and I'm sure local to them, likewise, I feel, from what I read, that you Adoptive parents also have something extra special and a very proud club to be members of.

I really hope you don't mind me having put my two penneth in, but I just really felt the anguish in your post and wanted to try and put some perspective into it for you - not sure If I've helped, hindered or offended - really hope it's not the last two!

Love to you and your dh and really wish you both all the very best in your plight to become parents.

Sue xxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi EML

Your DH is acting quite normal for a bloke!!  

It's good that he has opened up to you and it is most probably just nerves about going another step on the adoption journey.

Support your husband and listen to him, give him a cuddle and reassure him you understand what he is saying but ask him if he can imagine life without any children?

On the hobby front maybe you should drop hints about taking up another hobby that could involve you and your child to be.  It doesn't have to be anything to expensive, bike riding is not expensive and a great form of exercise.

I hope the messages of support on here have helped you & I wish you lots of luck.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi EML

I can totally relate to what you are saying and please believe me, that it's completely normal.  It's  not just a man thing, because both my dh and I went thru the same thing.  We very nearly cancelled our prep course, but we went in the end and it changed our views big time.  But even after that, we still had our doubts... which are completely normal and in fact a bit worrying if you don't ever have one inclin of doubt that you are doing the right thing.  As Sue said, it's even completely normal with birth children... but because we have struggled so much to have our families.... we are supposed to just be grateful and never experience doubt or worries??  That couldn't be further from the truth.

We even put our HS on hold for a couple of months and that was when all our doubts disappeared.  As soon as we put it on hold (I'd broken my leg and dh had just gone thru a lot of training for promotion and we felt completely swamped) we knew that we wanted to go through with it.  At each step of the process, we told ourselves we could pull out at any time.  The SW's don't want people who are not committed either.  

As someone else said, the prep course is designed to help you decide.  I would ask your dh to go through that, and make his decision after that.  It is natural to worry about what you have to give up after going through infertiilty... because it's exactly those things that have kept you going through the heartache.  I still think about it now... worry that dh and I won't be as affectionate and enjoy each other's company as much.  That has got us through and I would hate to lose it. 

Anyway, I hope these replies have helped you a bit... I would ask your dh to pop on here and read them, so he realises he is not alone and what he is going through is totally natural.

Best of luck, 
Cxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Sue what a lovely post  


EML - we are in the process of fostering and go to panel in a couple of weeks  and yesterday for one of the first times i even had a wobble! 
Like the others have said i think its a fear of the unknown,  know my dh and I both just want to know whats going to happen.
Also like the others said the prep course was really a good time to get started and my dh and I really enjoyed it. 
My most irrational fear! Stupid one but i cant help it is that i will get an emergency placement and then i take them to school on the first day we have them and then can't recognise them when i pick them up!! See we all have fears and worries  

Maybe you could show your dh some adoption/fostering FF pages to see that he is feeling perfectly normal and others also feel it.

love
suzie xx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Thank you, thank you all!
I was feeling so low this morning... I was feeling a bit angry/resentful towards my DH, but a bit of (retail) therapy later (and after reading your posts) I feel a whole lot better!
Milktray...so sorry to read you've had a long IF journey, but glad to hear that everything seems to be turning out right for you. Your post was encouraging about the Prep group, my DH has said that he'll keep an open mind until then.
Sue MJ...thanks for your comments. No, DH doesn't read any of this... he leaves the R&D to me and I summarize. I know that all through our TX, there were times when I wondered if we were doing the 'right' thing. We've made a cosy life for ourselves, and the 1% of selfishness (ok, maybe I'm being modest...2%) thought we'd spoil that with children. I'm glad the treatments worked for you, but it is reasurring to hear that EVERYONE has the collywobbles at some time!
Superal...yes... I wondered if it was a 'man' thing! I suppose I'm lucky he has told me how he really feels, and I shouldn't be too harsh on him... at least he had the gumption to tell me, he's not usually that open about his feelings. As for the hobbies... if it hasn't got wings, he just isn't interested!
Barbarella...I think my DH saw the application forms as a bit 'final', but I've told him that the course should help us make that 'final' decision. I hope your adoption path is going well.
Olive...I suppose if I put my hand on my heart, I too have the odd nagging doubt in the back of my mind... but the overwhelming need to become a family unit has always quashed any doubts I've had. (I did chuckle at your school-gate fear). Good luck with the fostering panel.
So, thanks again for all of your imput... I'll try to get DH to read these pages, (he's a bit of a techno-phobe) but even if he doesn't, your replies are all encouraging and with your help we might just get there?
Love to all
EML


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear EML

Glad your feeling a little bit better and the messages of support on here for you & your DH have helped.

Anything with wings as a hobby.......I presume flying or are we talking birds!!! 

Hope you are OK!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I've had nagging doubts all the way along, EML, as has dh...  In fact, it's only now that it feels more right than anything ever has.  I hope you find that peace of mind soon... but I still worry about it completely wrecking my life...!!!  I just think it can't ever be as bad as years of infertility heartache and that helps me put it into perspective!!  If I can get thru that, I can get through anything... 

Take care and best of luck.

Cxx


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, as so many have said before me, it is perfectly natural and right to have doubts.  The preparation course will help decide if adoption is right for you and your dh or not.  I can remember having huge wobbles just before I was going to get married as it seemed such a final step and also when I had a positive pregnancy test with my son - it all seemed so EEEK I'm going to be a grown up now    But getting married has been wonderful and so is my son so ........  My dh is enthusiastic about adoption in fits and starts but he was delighted when we were passed at panel.  The trouble with adoption is that it takes such a long time that the initial high wears well and truly off.

All the best


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi EML, 
Thought I'd post and tell you about a book my DH is presently reading at the moment it's by Paul MAy and published by BAAF and called Approaching Fatherhood: A Guide for adoptive Dads and others. Like most couples I think, I came around to the idea of adoption quicker then my DH. We're not that far into the process, but my DH really felt that he needed to know more before he would begin to commit to the idea. I think this book is reallt helping him as it's written by an adoptive Dad for adoptive Dad's and helped him realise that much of what he is feeling is normal, he's even telling me me stuff now which I think he quite enjoys as previously I seemed to be the one doing all the research!
All the best for your prepatation course.
Love Viva
XXX


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

EML

I am glad that you have had lots of support in the replies from everyone (I woudln't have expected anything less   )

My DH was exactly the same, almost tried to say he was only doing it for me.  But I remained firm and said that we both had to be committed to it for it to work.  He did some reading, saw what was going on on here (although he won't admit he reads it!!) and after the prep course really felt it was for us.

When things aren't going too well (and lets face it parenthood, adoptive or otherwise is not easy) he does think "What did I get myself into" (and I do too from time to time) but the highs always outweigh the lows and neither of us would be without our children now as they have enriched our lives to allow us to experience something we would never have done if we had not chosen adoption.

Hope you work things through.

Good luck
Karen x


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
Well, we are halfway through our Prep Course... and despite his anxieties... DH has taken to it like a duck to water! The course leader came to me the other day and said "I thought you said your DH was dreading the course... he's doing REALLY well!" What a revelation! He has taken part in the discussions, thrown himself into the group sessions and been a bit of a class spokesman when it comes to opinions about child behaviour, voicing his worries about birth-parent contact and he has made at least one good friend (a like-minded chap). He said after the first day "I thought it was just us... but there are 7 other couples there EXACTLY like us... they've gone through the same [email protected] have the same worries... we're not alone, are we?"
The course has certainly helped him and has been so informative and not what I expected at all!
So, thanks again girls... you helped me through some dark hours! We're still not out of the woods... the course has thrown up as many new questions as it has answered old ones, but at least now we can make our final decision with a fuller understanding of what we will be undertaking!
Thanks again girls... I'll keep you posted!
Love
EML


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

EML

Glad to hear the course is going well and that DH is feeling more positive.

As Karen says there will always be highs and lows and doubts whatever stage you are at.  I've had a bad morning with my DS and PMT and for about an hour I was seriously questioning my decision to apply for a 2nd adoption but after a few bars of chocolate    I'm over it.

Enjoy the rest of the process

Cindy


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

That's brilliant news EML - I am so pleased for you.  Let us know how you get on with the rest of the course.

xx


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi,  It took a while for my DH to come round to the idea.  At the time I felt really angry with him, but now I see that he was just looking at the pitfalls, and at least he wasn't seeing it all through rose coloured glasses.

He has now dropped a bombshell on me, and I don't know whether you or any body else can advise me on this one.  He suddenly seems to have it in his head that he wants us to adopt a son, as he has 2 daughters from his first marriage and he believes that bonding will be easier all round if the experience feels new to both of us.  I am very upset about this because we have been waiting for 7 months, I am happy to be blessed with either sex, and I don't want to cut our chances by half, as things are not exactly speeding along as I am sure you all know.  On top of which, we have said all through the process that we do not have a preference.

Please help.

Love Rianna.


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

EML

Glad your dh has come round and is enjoying the course.  I think most of us can put our dh's in the same category.

Enjoy the rest of the course

Karen x


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