# Why can I not cry and deal with it??



## Weemildo (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi guys,

New to this and am hoping someone can advise. I had IVF in September. 11 healthy eggs but no fertilisation. Didn't even manage ET. Feel like I never really got my chance. Eggs were stripped back following failed fertilisation and estimated that at least 8 should have fertilised. I really wasn't ready for everything to end so soon. I was as prepared as I could be for BFN following ET but I didn't get to that stage. 

I cried the day I found out but...since then I have just kind of shut that part of my life away. I returned to work straight away and don't think I have really faced the elephant in the room. I have kept myself busy but not feeling myself. I am a very thorough person but am making a lot of mistakes, my memory is terrible and I can not settle in work. I feel very negative towards people who I was friendly with in the past. My DH has been amazing as always and I love being around him but even find myself taking the long route home from work some evenings just to spend a little time on my own.

I just kind of feel like I am on the outside looking in. I think everyone else is surprised at how well I am dealing with it. It was my mum that told me about this site. I don't know what's going to happen next. Am I over this? Why am I not more upset? I am a strong person but something just doesn't seem right!! Do I need to cry more to know where I want to go next and to feel more myself??

Hope someone can help. Do other people feel like this? Sorry if I have gone on a bit!! Just kind of kept coming. 

Weemildo. xx


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## Littlegwen (May 15, 2011)

Dear Weemildo,

you sound a little bit like me.  I have 'dealt' with everything by saying "no point complaining about it, doesn't change anything and won't make me feel any better" so I just focus on getting up each morning and going through the motions.  That was going quite well until I had a bit of a melt down at work a few weeks ago.  I was faced with something that I would have normally coped with easily but I just don't think that I have the reserves left to cope with anything on top of where I am now.
I saw a councillor last week and I'm going again this week as it did make me feel better afterwards.
This is a difficult process to go through for all of us - we all have a different story to tell but the common theme is it's always difficult.
Maybe your way of coping at the moment is to block it all out as it's easier than confronting the disappointment and hurt you're feeling right now?

Gwen


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## Weemildo (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi gwen. 

Thanks for the reply. Glad to hear I'm not the only one dealing with things in this way. I have thought about going to see a fertility councillor but because I think I'm dealing with it ok at the moment there was no point.

I'm sorry to hear that things got on top if you. I guess I'm worried this might be what happens to me. I suffer from anxiety but this whole experience doesn't seem to have triggered it...yet. 

I read posts on here about how this is effecting other people and almost feel guilty that I don't feel the same. I wonder if seeing a councillor would trigger the anxiety. I hope u don't mind me asking but did you find that it upset you? Did it clear things in your head? I hope you find the best way for you to get through this. 

So relieved to speak to someone in the same boat. Have always looked at these kind of forums but never taken part. Thankyou so much!!


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Weemildo

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this, it seems to affect different people in different ways. The way you describe how you feel resonated with me, in the past I have gone through periods of feeling like I'm coping pretty well, but feeling a bit disjointed and disconnected somehow. Like Gwen it's usually been something fairly minor which has eventually tipped the balance. 

I do think it's important to talk to someone, whether that is a counsellor, a friend or family member. Maybe you feel like you shouldn't grieve because you didn't get beyond egg collection but at whatever stage IVF doesn't work it can affect someone deeply.

It sounds like it is affecting you on some level, be gentle with yourself.

Jen


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Weemildo

After my miscarriage I carried on as normal. I did have time off work as I was bleeding, then me and DH had our 2 week holiday. We didn't discuss the m/c. I think we just wanted to enjoy this time after all the stress of the previous 6 months and so we pretended everything was good and ok. 
After holiday, I went back to work. I thought that I was fine and now over what had happened. I couldn't concentrate at work, was unable to make any decisions and felt I couldn't cope with my workload which could normally be manageable. This is when I realised that i hadn't dealt with what had happened and i had a meltdown moment. I had to take time off work and I decided that i had to sort this out and i began to see a counsellor. I had other issues besides the m/c so there was alot to talk about.

Like you, I had also began to feel resentful towards people that i work with, even my close friends. i still do to a degree so seeing the counsellor is a great help. i hate feeling like this as I have never been this type of person.

I think that you have put all your feelings at the back of your mind and have convinced yourself (until now) that you were ok. But it doesn't go away and you are now thinking of it so clearly you are not. The fact that you have questioned how you feel is a start of the grieving and healing process. Maybe counselling would help you. It is not easy and can be uncomfortable at times but it does bring some relief (well it has me).

Well done on getting it off your chest for now on here. Hope it helps you a little to know that you are not the only one who feels this way   

Barb x


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## Weemildo (Nov 25, 2012)

Thanks for the replys guys. After reading these I think I am going to arrange to see a counsellor. I would rather use it as a preventative measure rather than a cure if something triggers me to get upset about it all. Barb, I think you are right. I think questioning it is probably a sign that maybe I'm starting to feel it a little. As you have said, in work things that would never have bothered me just seem unmanageable. You guys have really helped me a lot. The questioning myself...then almost a feeling of guilt for not being more upset plus having just gone through the IVF could be a recipie for disaster. But...like a lot of us on here, we will ride this rollercoaster and when we get off we will be stronger and more rounded people on the other side of it. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. 

Good luck ladies and thanks again for the advice. xxx


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## skypod (Nov 15, 2012)

That sounds like a good plan to see a counsellor.

My 'coping' method has been very similar to you - I've tried not to think about it too much and be busy with other things. But now four months since the last lot of bad news, it's suddenly begun to hit me (I think everyone talking about Christmas hasn't helped) and I've found myself suddenly crying at the most inopportune moments. I'm now regretting not really facing it head on when I should have done. 

I should probably investigate counselling too. I hope you find it helps you.


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## ClaraS (Feb 20, 2012)

This has all made a lot of sense to me and made me realise I need to go and see a counsellor too.  

We had our first cycle of ICSI in October and found out at the start of November it hadn't worked. I was away with work when I started bleeding so just had to shut it all out and keep going til I got home on Friday night.  The weekend was awful (SIL had her baby the day before I'd gone away so also came home to discover he'd been named one of the names I'd always liked) but then I was back to work and just kept going. The trouble is I'm fine at work as i have to be, but coming home just drained and not sleeping and things. Then AF arrived the weekend just passed and I just went to bits again - completely irrational as I don't know how I could possibly think anything might happen when the best of medical advancement didn't work, but somehow it made everything just feel hopeless. Reading what you have all said along with that made me realise I'm actually not really managing and I need to do something otherwise it's going to get too much for me and one day I'm just going to stop. I think i need to take some time for me and not just keep going because I feel I have to. 

We're really lucky that we have a shot at FET in the new year so I think I need to try and get my head into a better place before we starts otherwise I'll have written it off before we start, and I want to give it the best chance we can. 

Sorry to go on.  I'm so sorry we all have to go through this, but I'm glad this forum exists or I really would be lost.


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