# Desperately seeking hugs



## bemybaby

I am feeling very low and totally absorbed in self-pity, so anyone out there with any words of support will be VERY welcome.  
I am 38 and have been with my my dearest lovely gorgeous hubby (I love you very much!!) for 10 years.  Unfortunately, we have male factor infertility due to severe antibodies after vasectomy reversal and were advised that the only hope to have kids together is through ICSI.  To cut a very long story short, we were only able to start this year and already have one BFN and a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks.  I had so much in my life in this 10 years -my brother tragically lost his life aged 23, my dear mum died from cancer, two very serious and nearly tragic heart ops by hubby, his coma, 1.5 years in rehabilitation hospital... the list goes on.  There just never was the 'right' time to go with the treatment until this year, although we never stopped trying naturally...
I was so excited and hopeful in May thinking it will just happen to us this time round.  A beautiful, well-developed, "perfect" 3d embryo went back, but ...BFN.  I know now I was naive thinking it will be all perfect, after all everything was going so well (all scans 'perfect', 8 eggs collected, all fertilized, all but one were good enough to be frozen )so I was very surprised and upset...  Then in September FET 2 embryo transfer resulted in BFP and a couple of weeks later I miscarried.   

I know that next time may be different,...,...,... I am just so totally taken by surprise by my reaction, how sad and hopeless I have been over the last few weeks.  One, not least me, would have thought that after all the misery in my family I would have grown thick skin and be a "strong woman" that so many people tell me I am.  Only I cannot stop crying for our family still not beeing complete.


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## kandykane

oh love! i don't have any answers but I do have a huge, caring, sympathetic hug for you 

although my circumstances aren't the same as yours, we have also had far more than our share of bad luck, then have to deal with IF just to add unsult to injury! sometimes i wonder if i did something really bad in a past life to deserve all this 

crying and wallowing does you good for a bit - it lets it all out. cry, sob, scream into your pillow at the injustice of it all. then pick yourself up, do your hair, put your lippy on and continue to face the world. Look after yourself and your hubby, love each other, be grateful for small mercies, i count my blessings every day and it does cheer me up 

you _are_ strong, all us ladies going through IVF are strong - you have to be! it does get tiring being strong though doesn't it? Don't give up on your bfp love, it's still possible.

Big big hugs  

kandy


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## bemybaby

Thank you so much Kandy!!  I know what you mean about the lippy and hair and totally agree with you.  I will hopefully find my strength to pick myself up, I still need to do so much and life goes on.  I DO NOT want to feel sorry for myself, I absolutely hate this feeling...  I just cannot stop at the moment   .  At least, thankfully, i am not jealous of pregnant girls and new mothers, I look at them with their bumps and babies and smile and feel genuinely happy for them.  There is never any shortages of celebrity mums in the press and some are sooo inspirational (think Celine Dion for example)!  

I can see you are on 2ww at the moment - I keep all my fingers and toes crossed for a successful BFP and healthy pregnancy for you...    I will be there again soon,... I hope!


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## MrsPootle

Hi there! 
I too am feeling exactly the same.  I had a negative cycle end on 22nd September, and whilst I expected to be upset, I felt very positive for the first couple of weeks.  I took some time off, then have "gone back to normal".  Well, that was my expectation, but I feel like crap.  I've had all sorts of complications - the main one being bad stomach pain since the cycle ended, which, I have managed to convince the hospital to scan me on Wednesday next week.  But along with this constipation/the runs, what looks like some skin condition/itchy rash on my groin, a stiff shoulder (muscles all tight and horrid) and mega high blood pressure (whenever I am stressed or anxious - and this seems a permanent state currently) it goes up, up, up! 
I had a bad run-in with someone at work yesterday, and nearly burst into tears on our director.  All my friends are telling me they can't bear to see me like this.  My DH just wants to make me better.  Took blood pressure - and despite taking some indian herbs that usually "sort it" it went up to 200/114 - this really worried me.  I don't want to go to the docs for the BP, because they always end up giving me medication that doesn't tally with TTC - nothing really is suitable (and I've tried them all)...
I went out with the girls last night and enjoyed myself, but, I just feel so rubbish about myself.  My self esteem is low, and I've only had bedroom action the once since this all ended.  Oh, and I've put on half a stone (on top of being a stone overweight)... 
I don't know whether I should see the doc though to get some time off.  The sickness policy is rubbish at work, it recently changed to being every instance of sickness you don't get paid for the first 3 days - which makes me despair more.
I just need a new head, oh, and a body that works please!!! 
The ups side - I like to end on a positive - I have some acupuncture booked, and I have both NHS and private counselling going on...greedy I know.  And I'm trying yoga to destress - but I just want to be back to my old self..
Hugs and advice please.....
MrsP
x


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## wendycat

I just wanted to send a load more     your way, I'm so sorry you've had such a s**t time of it. Don't forget that it is perfectly acceptable to be sad and angry and frustrated, you're a person not a robot, allow your self a chance to grieve for the loss of your dream, nobody wants to be in the IF situation and it seems incredibly unfair that after all you've been through you should end up here. 


Kandy - I love your post. wish I had the lips to wear lippy, I make up for it with lashings of mascara though  


It's true, wallowing for a bit does you good (I'm very good at wallowing  ) but taking control and facing down your pain works well too. 


Much, much love


Wendy
x


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## bemybaby

Dear MrsP      for you too... take care of yourself and hope you enjoy acupuncture and counselling sessions.  
Thank you so much Wendy for your kind words of support!  I am all panicy because I suddenly feel that it is not 'that' easy and the time is running out and this is totally out of my control.  
Hugs for everyone who is going through tough times      

xxx


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## kandykane

bemybaby - Time is not running out, you're only 38 - read this for a bit of encouragement
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=249600.0

mrsp - i was reading your post thinking 'this poor lady needs some counselling', then i got to the end of it and saw you're way ahead of me! counselling can be very very helpful and healing. This is such a hard journey, it's normal that you feel awful sometimes! You will eventually feel more like your old self, but life changes us as we live it, it's what makes us who we are. You _will_ come through this, everything passes eventually. It's good that you are taking positive steps and being good to yourself 

kandy


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## bemybaby

Congrats on you BFP Kandy!!! I am soooo excited for you


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## tiggerbounce




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## bemybaby

Thank you Tiggerbounce, it does feel so much better!


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## MrsPootle

Kandy - woo-hoo - congrats on your BFP!!!
Thanks Bemy -       to you - how you feeling?

Well, I had a scan for the stomach ache and the brilliant news is that everything seems fine - they could even see a folly maturing - so get the negligee on!!  I had a doc's appt at my GP in the afternoon, and, after bursting into tears the minute I started to explain myself (I've done that alot lately) she eventually convinced me I needed some much needed time off.  So I'm now on strict instructions to relax & be kind to myself.  Sometimes you just have to be told don't you

Felt a bit odd afterwards.  Kinda lost.  But, this morning, when I opened my eyes and thought "I don't have to struggle into work today", it dawned on me that this is EXACTLY what I need...  I was feeling very close to the edge this week - I'd put it down to last week at work being so crap - which I think contributed.... but although I took 3-4 days off work after I got my BFN, I think I was in shock for about 2 weeks!!!      And now, it's full flow crying like a fountain..    but at least I am beginning to feel more positive now I don't have any pressures on me.

Love to all - and thanks for your kind thoughts and words - I love the ladies here - you really are all a tower of strength!!

Love
MrsP xx


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## kandykane

mrsp - that's great news. how long has your gp given you a sick note for?
i think it will do you the world of good to have some time to yourself. 3 days isn't long enough to get over a bfn, no way! don't be afraid to cry, it can be very cathartic. good news as well that your scan was all clear   

thank you for your well wishes ladies, i am paranoid now until i get to my early scan, my 'helpful' mil told my bf that lots of ivf pgs end in mc so he has got a big downer now and i am trying to stay positive    cause i think she's just an interfering old witch   

mrsp you are right about ladies on here being a tower of strength, there are so many amazing women on this forum! remember we're here whenever you need us   

kandy


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## Skybreeze

Sending lots and lots of hugs bemybaby, what you have been through is awful. I am so sorry for your losses over the years. It cant be easy. The hardest thing is to get back up again, but we do hun.... Because thats what it takes. 

As you said next time may be different, we can all live in that hope. 
Take care
         

Natalie xxx


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## MrsPootle

Hi Kandy - I'm off until 12th Nov, but already had some leave arranged for a long weekend away, so earliest I'll be back is the 18th... and I'm re-visiting the docs first.  I have to say the GP I saw was lovely - she actually spent alot of time talking about how I was feeling.  As for your MIL's 'helpful advice', I had heard that the risk of m/c is no higher with IVF than a natural pregnancy.  So keep that PMA   

My mother dropped a similar clanger when I told her about my stomach ache last week - she proceeded to tell me how she had the same at my age and it lead to her having her ovary and tube removed - gee, thanks for that ma!  Some people just have the knack of saying the wrong thing.  

Went to the acupuncture clinic last night - they gave me a stress magnet for my ear (which, for added hilarity I knocked off my ear and onto the bedroom floor last night and had to stick it back on) - it was a good session, and far more thorough than I've had before... so that feels a positive.  Trying to do my best to eat properly (been doing alot of comfort eating) and successfully managed to avoid the chocolate (but not the hob nobs!).  Feel much better for it.  Trying to do a bit of exercise too each day - so going to cycle to Sainsburys after lunch to pick up some bits... 

But best of all - I'm feeling much more relaxed.  Possibly too much so - slept til 11am but I have a cold so that's probably why.

Anyway cheerio for now girls - will prob pop back on here later...

Love &   
MrsP
x


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## kandykane

that sounds good mrsp, r&r is defo what you need honey xx


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## bemybaby

Hi girls, i just caught up with this thread again.  
MrsP - hope you area having/had a good break.  How long are have you managed to take off?  i see you are back on the 18, let us know how you are getting on... 
Kandy - I am glad that you are taking things positive.  I spoke to a lot of specialists lately and there is NO evidence to show that ivf pregnancy is different to a 'normal' one when age and health is taken into account (i mean to say that once I got pregnant I had the same chance as any other 38 year-old of the same health).  
I am feeling much better.  Went to visit my hubby's family abroad and they were sooooo supportive.  I have so much more energy and strength and will to carry on


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## bemybaby

Hi Natalie, thank you so much for the kind words  I can see from your signature you have been through some heavy stuff yourself.  Best of luck to you with the Uni (I love studying!) and doing things as they meant to happen is so much more fun!  Lots and lots of positive vibes for you on that front.

I am going to try with our frosties in 2011 and see what happens!


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## MrsPootle

Hi Bemybaby - glad to hear the in-laws are being supportive - I must admit my family have been mostly ace.  Yep - I'm back on the 18th - although, I have to get the docs to confirm it.  I'm feeling a bit stronger with each day, and the acupuncture is going great along with the counselling.  We will get there!!!  
Lots of love
Mrs P
x


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