# Impact on relationship



## Am-bongo (May 3, 2014)

Maybe I should start by saying that I have always felt that I was put on this planet to be a mummy. My parents remember me saying from my early teens that I just wanted to settle down and have a family of my own.

After getting married, my husband and I started to talk about starting a family. We tried for six years. I kept wanting to be tested but my husband didn't want to & I wanted to make him happy.

Finally, whilst seeking help for depression I explained that the fact we hadn't fallen pregnant was one of the reasons I was finding it hard to get better. My GP helped me get the testing done and I effectively forced my husband to be tested too. 

I always had a feeling that there was a problem but when the results came back around a month ago that my husband was infertile (pretty much no chance of conceiving naturally) it knocked me for six. 

The past month has been the worst of my life. Whilst I have wanted to deal with this issue as a couple, my husband has started being mean, pushing me away and saying he doesn't know whether we should stay together. He's also (after being together 8 years) started to say he doesn't know whether he wants to have a children.  This means that he is unwilling to consider IVF or adoption.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? I feel like I need to either choose my husband or by fulfilling my dream of being a mummy. 

If anyone has been through something similar I would really like to know how you have or are coping with this situation.


----------



## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Hi Am-bongo,

i have been there. and truly it isnt a nice place to be in.  it was also my DH with the problems initially.  and he went through "find someone else, i dont want kids anyway" and it was hard!!!! however (and this was difficult for me) i gave him time. i never once blamed him (not that im saying you are, please dont get me wrong) in an arguement, i always said "your problems are our problems". we spoke about it periodically, but not heavy conversations at first. i knew it would take a while for him to get his head round how he had perceived his 'masculinity' and the actual 'masculinity'. it takes a while for the men to admit their egos are hurting. my DH said what made it worse is he couldnt give me the one thing i wanted. he wanted to make me happy and at that point he couldnt. 
i know you have a lot to work through in your own mind but in a way its far worse.for a bloke to a degree. to be told you cant do the one thing men do, without a.second thought sometimes, is life changing. my DH starting acting mean for a while and pushing me away but when he was asleep i would curl round him and cuddle him whilst asleep. he would wake up wrapped round me and literally push me away. but as hard as it was, i persevered, telling him how muxh i.loved him for him regardless. confidence boosting and ego building at times. within 6 months we were talking about our next steps and within a year we had gone through donor sperm iui which ended in miscarriage. we then regrouped, saved up for 11 months and went for icsi. DS is now 6. 

all i can say is be there for him without pushing it, forgive him his meanness and give him and you time.  you will eventually be on the same. page at the same time.

i wish you and your DH well 

jade xxxxx


----------



## HopeCove (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi Am-bongo
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Both you and your husband have just had the most devastating news. You're going to both respond in different ways.
I can't pretend to know what you're feeling because the problems are on my side for us, but I just wanted to say that we had counselling and found it really helpful. It's really helped us understand how differently we both react to bad news. When I was miscarrying I too thought we would deal with it together but actually my husband (who is generally very warm and kind) behaved in a way that at the time I found utterly inexplicable and frankly devastating. In the end the vicar who had married us came round for a cup of tea and gave us the most fantastic talking to. This made us realise that a neutral, kind outsider can be a godsend.

There was a time when things were very dark for us but now we are honestly stronger than we would have been if none of this had ever happened. It's ok to get help, it doesn't mean you don't work as a couple, it just means you are trying different ways to solve things. For us it was a counsellor but that could be anybody I guess, someone you both trust who is neutral and a good listener. 
Good luck,
Xx


----------

