# Different Phases of Coping!!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
To be honest i feel like s**t at the moment...
I don't know where it has all come from, but hey its hit me right in the face..
You think its all going ok and then it seems as if your coping gets alot shorter as time goes and you think you are doing ok..Then bang something huge just hits you in the face..
Thats how i feel at the moment..
I thought since we called it a day that i was coping brilliantly and still do with living childfree, but I feel such sadness because there are no other real options for us both...
It definately is the end of the road..
I have even contemplated IVF again, but i think whats the point i never got a sniff with the ones i did do over the years..
My hubby says we can go for another one, but i think whats the point its like banging my head against the wall...   the odds are so stacked against us..
What really hurts is the pain....i have been coping with lots of news of pregnancies. It has really dawned on me the question of 'Is this what it is going to be like for the rest of our lives..Coping with the pain'...
I hate the feeling and it bloody hurts and to be honest i never expected to feel like this after calling it a day..
I am sorry i wanted to share this...i suppose i am only human and i am sorry if i am supposed to come across as positive...Well l actually don't feel like this at the moment...
Was it so much to ask for in life, just one child... i ask myself..??
Sorry but needed to get this off my chest. Thank goodness i have a great boss who has been through this and could relate to my feelings to day...and share it with girls that really understand!
So there you are...i just cannot stop the tears today  , ..Because what i fear most is having to go through these episodes all through our lives...that really scares me..
Thanks i needed to sound off,,...

love astridxx

p.s the piccy is of my little Meg...xxxx thank goodness for her, i would go mad!!!


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Aw doll,

I really, really feel for you.  I had a huge lump in my throat reading that post.

I have to say I'm proud of you.  That was a difficult, honest post......  Please don't apologise.  Of course you are only human and no-one expects you to be strong all the time!

I'm glad you feel you can come on here when times are hard.  I sense you and Paul have been chatting about this again then?  Huni, all I will say is, it's absolutely not too late for you to try D.E.  This could be a real option for you if you were willing to give in one last try.

I really don't know what to say here.  If you did try and (God forbid) it was unsuccessful, you'd be back here again ..........  How do we deal with it once we know its "final"   I wish I knew ......

You are so right about the "pain".  Time doesn't heal it does it?  It hurts so bl**dy much and no-one understands - that's the worst thing  - no-one has the first idea how much this hurts (except us of course)

Time may provide us with different coping strategies, but the pain always gets us in the end.  Sh*t - I don't think I'm helping here at all.  I do hope I can demonstrate that i know totally where you're coming from though hun.

The fear and the pain are the things I worry about daily too.  I suppose you just have to let this bad patch run its course and take some strength from the fact that you KNOW this won't last forever.  You will be happy-go-lucky Astrid again one day soon.

Have a serious think though huni - you sound so sad, hurt and upset ..... Maybe, this gives you the answer you've been looking for?  Maybe, LCF was OK for a while but it's not really what you want now?  Maybe another think about adoption/D.E. is just what you need to do.  You've tried LCF and  you are still hurting like mad.  Maybe a wee one from adoption would just give you another new, fresh, exciting focus in life.

Of course, it will never replacing the longing for your own pregnancy and child, but it could be an answer to numb, as opposed to "heal" the pain.

I don't want to be swaying you here one way or another, I'm just trying to work things out in my head , for you Astrid.  I hate to see you so upset and hurting, you SO don't deserve this sh*t.

Take strength from each other, 
I am thinking and praying for you hun,
((((((  BIG HUGS )))))
Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Aww Astrid, I am so, so sad and sorry that you are hurting so badly at the moment - there must be something in the air because I've been having a rough few weeks of it too! But this message is for you and about you sweetie...

Gill is a very lovely and wise lady and she has really made some valid points to you... in this life you can never say never - its always ok to change your mind and consider other things, nothing we decide should be set in concrete.

It is hard living child free, no two ways about it. We have all had this thrust upon us, and although we have good days, there are going to be bad days too, and its extra hard when news of others pregnancies reach us - because it makes all those feelings and fears rise up to the forefront again. So don't apologise for feeling like cr*p at the moment - because its allowed, you're only human, you said so yourself honey xxx

Sorry I don't have any wise words for you, the only thing I can give you is my love, support, friendship and complete understanding of what its like to be left behind in the baby stakes, as we all can here.

Sending you a massive hug and loads of love... I hope those tears you are having today help get some of the hurt out of your system and are healing tears for you honey xxxx

ps, my pic is of one of my cats - Min the Moocher... I don't know where I would be or what I would do without my 'hairy girls' or 'pusscat dolls'


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

astrid  

I am so so sorry you are feeling rough - I totally understand. You are not supposed to be positive and strong all the time - no way - you are coping with a major thing in your life (or lack of it) every day - we all are - and I think that these down times are inevitable  . I think the title of your post sums it up really - ie there are different phases of coping - but you ARE coping.  

I really understand the 'fear' thing - ie that this 'loss' will always be there..Sometimes I feel a panic sweep over me that this will always be a part of my life...I don't know the answer, but I do think that accepting the bad feelings and the tears is a start. Don't fight against them - although it is so painful to cry and cry over this, I do believe that the tears are cleansing somehow, and that they will 'clear' the way a little bit in order to move forward. 

The girls are right - you can change your mind on LCF. There is nothing that says you must stay in one 'place' on this forever. It could be productive to think about other options as Gill says - although I appreciate that you may not want to open up the impossible mixture of hope vs failure that tx brings. 

I think its incredibly difficult being around pregnant women and hearing of announcements - I don't think this gets any easier. But as we get older this WILL get less - it has to - and I do believe that there will be a middle phase of life where peoples' objectives move away from having children, and there will be more of a balance again. God I hope so!!! 

Emcee - I'm so sorry you are feeling down too  

love to all, ruby xx


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## Freckles (Sep 10, 2004)

Hi Astrid,

I was so sorry to read your post, you've given me some brilliant advice and comfort lately and I felt so sad to see that you're having a hard time.

With you what you've had to deal with down days are inevitable and you shouldn't berate yourself, just dig deep and know that it will pass. I was talking to someone recently who is childless and stopped ttc about 5 years ago and I asked her if it ever got any better and she told me that the pain is still there but she's learnt to live with itand has focussed on other things in her life instead. I feel admiration for her and you to be able to say that's enough and walk away, that takes a great deal of emotional strength to even consider it.  

My DH and I tried out the idea of being childless in our heads and decided it wasn't an option for us. Hopefully we'll be able to have a baby through surrogacy, we know it's going to be a massive compromise, a long, drawn out, stressful and expensive process with no guarantee of a positive outcome.  But I'd rather all that than look childlessness in the face, so well done for  taking it on and for the most part winning.

xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Gill, Emcee,Ruby and Freckles

What can i say but Thankyou so much!!! 
Your words and empathy have really touched me deeply...
My head is all over the place at the moment. Emotions that i never thought possible would just come out of the blue.....maybe deep down they have been there for a long time, but i have just pushed them aside..It is the feelings that take over, to be honest i am not unhappy with my life and living childfree is not as scarey as i thought...but i suppose i have to address the niggling thoughts, as they will not go away...?
Because i think its about finding a way to deal with the inevitable over the years i.e friends/family members getting pregnant....but all i felt last week and over the last couple of months, is this what it is always going to be like?.....the hurt and pain!!!
I think we all have to go through the grieving process and however painful it is, it is also a way of looking at what is important for you as a person...i am not sure you can jump into something straightaway, but find a way to face reality and eventually there will be some answer in what direction we all finally come to... 
Oh My what would i do without you, thankyou for allowing me to share my feelings.....and hopefully i haven't let anyone down, as i never expected any of this... 
Thankyou so much..!!!
Lots of Astridxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Astrid honey, you most certainly haven't let anyone down... if anything you have helped everyone realise that there are 'bite on the bum' moments, and that things can and do get on top of you at times - hell knows I've been there loads over this past year since the last tx failed miserably... and I can honestly say as much as I have been upbeat at times there have been some very dark times too, but thats the way the cookie crumbles, and because of the wonderful friendship and support here I have battled through, as you will too. 

I have realised that its such a relief and a release to be able to speak frankly amongst others who understand - no matter how we have ended up here we all do have a common bond, and no matter where we will end up or what the universe decides to fling at us next we will never forget the trauma we have all been through because of IF. Its ok to be sad and scared and in turmoil about the way things have turned out; and your being upset most certainly doesn't put me off or make me feel any differently towards you - if anything, it shows what a remarkable, compassionate and empathic lady you truly are. I'm deeply in gratitude to you for your friendship and all the support you have given me, all the more so because you have been so marvellous whilst going through such a shi*ty time yourself.

Much love to you, and to all the brave and beautiful souls here
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Oh Emcee
Thankyou so much!!!! you are such a lovely and empathetic person...your words brought tears to my eyes.. 
Thankyou...
love astridxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Sorry I'm late to this thread, I've been away.

I agree with the sentiments of the others Astrid, I'm sorry you've hit a rocky patch and I think it's very honest of you to post what you have. In fact this is one of the few places where I think you can very honestly express youself and not be judged.

Like the rest of us, you might lose a number of battles along the way but that doesn't mean you can't eventually win the war. If it's any consolation, I've stopped counting lost battles now there have been so many but still hope to win my personal war and I'm sure you will too, one way or another.

flipper


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Astrid,

So sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment (((((hugs))))).

As you know I tried to live child free for some time, questioning and going over and over things in my mind.  It took a while for us to realise that child free living wasn't for us, and we opted for adoption as you know.

If I can be of any help Astrid, please im me.

Hugs

Laine


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Astrid,
you could never let anyone down  

your feelings are your feelings come rain or shine 
ruby xx


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Astrid

just wanted to say that you have inspired us all at one time or another, and it is painful to see you feeling like this but I know that sometimes you need to get these things out of your system, and what a better place to do it.

Sending lots and lots of  

Thankyou for being you, we wouldnt have you any other way.

Luv Karen


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Astrid- you poor thing!! I don't think it will ever get any easier really- until those people who are pg have horrible teenagers and then you can rejoice!!!  

I think we just find different things to fill our time with and go on. It is hard never to feel sad so dont you worry about feeling down at all! Like us all we have really bad times and this is yours. I hope you will feel better soon.

You are so good to all of us that we have to be here for you.And want to be. How do you feel today?

Take care xxxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Sorry I'm late!!

AHhh Astrid, you're always there for us huni - so sorry you've been feeling bad, I hope you're feeling a little happier now.

HUGS
Nix
xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Everyone
Thankyou so much, i am overwhelmed by your kind words...
I think we all help each other along the way (thank goodness) and as you say what a better place to do it and that is here. With friends that understand the total IF journey and we have done the full circle thats for sure.....
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i am so touched!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thankyou so much..
lots of love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid

Like Irish Eyes says, my latest "coping strategy" when I see babies/prams is thinking to myself, aaahhh, they are not babies for long .... and before they know it, they will have turned into horrid, mucky  7,8,9 year olds shouting "I want, I want, I want ....."

Mmmmmm - walking down the street doesn't feel so lonely any more ...   

Love to all of you wonderful ladies,
Gill xo


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Hi girls,

I just wanted to send a big hug to Astrid and thank all of you for the wise words. Although I only caught up with this thread today it has helped enormously.

Sometimes I'm fine with our childless state and at other times I'm devastated.

The media feeding frenzy of obesity and IVF last week left me reliving all the trauma of the failed IVF cycles over and over again. The sense of self-blame and failure hit me badly. One night I sat up just crying and shaking with the memories.

I miss my lost little ones each day. My DH is still in a bad way. It's so very, very hard.

Love to you all from,


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Thankyou flopsy...
I know that your path has been difficult and i apprieciate your input...
Thinking of you..
love astridxx


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Thank you, Astrid for the kind words. Reading the posts helps me to stay strong.

When I re-read my post I realised that it was more pessimsitic than I meant it to be.

Wishing you all the very best!

With love from,


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