# New and confused



## Gwendolyn (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi!  I am very unfamiliar with the process of a chat group and message board....but this came recommended as a option for me to get more support.  My husband (of 4 years) and I have been trying to have a child since Jan 2002.  Early last year (2003), we learned that he is infertile- no sperm at all.....and no explanation.  It has been the biggest grief of our lives.  We plodded through last year in sheer emotional agony...while we deliberated about using donor sperm.  We decided to go forth by the end of 2003 and have gone through donor IUI 3 times this year (me taking clomid)...with no success.  So here I am.....gearing up for my November period, so we can begin injecting puregon into my tummy (groan) and vaginal ultrasounds (double groan). (Please note that I am the kind of woman that practically passed out during Pap smears....pathetic but true).  I continually struggle with seeing my friends, family members and peers become pregnant "easily"....  and I suppose it is not coincidence- that I am hooking up to this tonight as I have a baby shower for my husband's 1st cousin to attend tomorrow.....and yes, she was married last year...and yes, "it only took 2 months".  I could easily be described as a hopeful and optimistic person prior to our fertility struggles....now I do not even feel like myself inside.  I am often anxious, jeolous, envious, SAD, and scared.  I cannot imagine my huysband and I not going through a pregnancy together and having a child.  Please sahre your wisdom and insight!
Gwendolyn.


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## jellybelly (Oct 19, 2004)

Gwendolyn

Sorry to hear your news - just wanted to say hi and wish you all the best in the future.

This ia a great board and you get wonderful words of advice.


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## AussieMeg (Sep 5, 2004)

Hi there Gwendolyn

Welcome to FF. It is a wonderful site that will give you a lot of online friends many going through exactly the same things. There are two threads you can join the donor thread but my favourite is the IUI girls thread. Pop over to it by scrolling down and finding IUI and then the IUI girls part 44 ( I think) and introduce yourself. We are a bit of a mad bunch but a lot of the girls on there are very very wise.

You are also lucky to be using Puregon as I prefer it so much more to Gonal-F.

Love 
Megan


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## Clare_S (Aug 9, 2003)

Hi Gwendolyn

Welcome to FF - you will get a mountain of support here and hopefully have a few laughs along the way, which trust me helps a great deal.

I think Meg has told you the two main areas which, maybe best for you to have a look at message board wise.  Alternatively there is the chat room.  There is normally somebody in there at least weekday evenings (UK time) to have a chat to.

All I can tell you about the vaginal scans is that they are much much easier to deal with than a pap smear.  Primarily because they do not use the horrid metal thing that I can never remember the name of that hurts like hell.

Good luck for everything

Clare


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## LiziBee (Aug 24, 2004)

Hi Gwen! 
I just wanted to send you my deepest sympathies and wish you all the luck in the world.
Lots of love
LIZI


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## chick66 (Nov 18, 2003)

Hi Gwen
Welcome to FF.
Like you I am also the kind of woman who can pass out at smears but after a while , the internal scans become 2nd nature, although no-one had told me prior to tx that was what I was going to have!!
Wishing you all the very best of luck.
Chick


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## Leanne (Jan 24, 2004)

Hello Gwen,

I would just like to welcome you to ff. Before i found this site, i found this whole infertility thing alot harder to cope with. I have made some wonderful friends who have supported me every step of the way, and im sure you will too.

Stay positive and never give up, your dream will come true,

Leanne xx


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## Fin (Aug 23, 2004)

Hi Gwendolyn,

Sorry to hear of your DH azoospermia.

If you do not mind me asking have you tried surgical sperm retrieval (SSR)?  What was your DH FSH levels?

My DH was diagnosed with azoospermia in June this year and will be having SSR done on 20th Nov 04.  We are living in South Wales but are going up to London for this as the guy we saw down her was not very optimistic.

Welcome to the board and please feel free to contact me if you need anything.

Good luck with everything.

Lol

Fin


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## olwen (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Gwendolyn,

I am also new to the chatroom and although my situation is different to yours (my husband has poor quality sperm, but good enough to do ICSI) I wanted to write and let you know that I am experiencing the same feelings as you.  We have had 3 IUI attempts and then 1 ICSI cycle which didnt work.  We are now having a breather but I am feeling pretty low.  I am depressed and without motivation. I have lost my love for life and cant seem to do very much at all.  I am anxious and have isolated myself from a lot of people and I have given up a lot of the activities I used to do so as not to have to face pregnant friends and acquaintances and deal with the feelings of jealousy and envy.  I saw a counsellor today who suggested trying a chat room and I must say it is good to know that I am not the only one going through this or dealing with it in this way.

I hope you got through the baby shower ok.  I think if it was me I would have found an excuse not to go.  Well I dont feel like I have much wisdom or insight, but I am sending you best wishes and hope things go ok for you.

Olwen


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## Gwendolyn (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi Olwen.....good to know that there are people out there that think like me!  I DID seriously brainstorm about how I might not go to the baby shower....but it is tricky, being that it is DH's 1st cousin, and we have been pretty close ourselves.  I also did not like the idea of "identifying" myself as the ONLY one who wasn't there out of all the cousins....that says too much to the nosey aunts! haha 
So I went with the "old back-up rule" and arrived late and left early! ...and ate my favourite chocolate as a treat later!  It wasn't all that bad.....a good day, we might say (maybe ai would have excused myself on a bad day).  I do think I paid for it later with my insomnia...the conscience always talks! (or was it the chocolate! haha!)

I know that I protect myself from friends who have pregnancies and children on the go.  I have become very selective...and choose those who will fill me up.  I haven't felt as filled up as I do ..now that I am with FF.  
I dropped out of a Book Club because one woman asked me how many children I had- I responded "none"- and she never talked to me again.  I just don't need that kind of ignorance and self-absorbed priviledge in my life.  I try to see it as her loss......but when the black cloud hits me HARD....I feel I am the one who is at loss.
I, too,  do not feel as in love with life as I did....yet, I do see that I have made some "baby steps" forward since a year ago.
Don't you find "breathers" the worst....because you do not feel like you are going forward.  I have had to create "forward projects" for myself during breathers...it usually focusses on home renovations or improvements.  I trick my mind into thinking that I am preparing our home for a baby.  It's crazy.
Thank-you for your wisdom....hope we continue to connect, Olwen.
Take care of yourself...you are definitely not alone!! xo Gwendolyn


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## olwen (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Gwendolyn,

Well I am becoming hooked on this chatroom (I only discovered it last night!) and I was so excited that you had replied to my reply!  Reading other peoples stories is helping me, but it kind of didnt register that my own experiences might help someone else.  They seem so negative and difficult to me and I didnt even realise that they could be of value to someone else.  

Anyway I am very impressed with how you dealt with the baby shower.  I also rely on copiuos amounts of chocolate to get me through the bad days and also have a lot of sleepless nights.  Of course these things dont actually help the situation much, but what can we do?! 

I find the "breathers" frustrating because like you say you arent moving forward, time is passing, more and more friends and family have announcements to make, and more time passes.....  But having said that I also find them helpful in a way because I get so caught up in it all when I am actually in a treatment cycle that once its all over and I have come to terms with the disappointment I find myself craving a bit of "normality".  Just being able to do normal stuff without being super-hormonal, worrying about medication, etc.  I find I get very antisocial during the treatment cycle and tend to isolate myself even more, so once its over I need to go out (with carefully chosen friends) and plan a few treats so I have things to look forward before beginning it all again.  It also helps the time pass......

I also throw myself into home improvements - have finally got my husband to agree to paint the kitchen after 2 years of hint-dropping!  We moved to our current house 2 years ago and I have spent the whole time making my nest and it is so frustrating not having babies to fill it up with!  I dont want to move again, but I am running out of DIY projects!  We've just about finished all the work we planned to do and still no baby!  Any ideas for another kind of "forward project" I can throw myself into?

Keep in touch!  And try to stay positive (much easier said than done!)

All the best, Olwen


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## Gwendolyn (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi Olwen...
Well thanks so much for the pat on the back re: SURVIVAL OF THE BABY SHOWER!
I think your note on "breathers" is well-founded....I have been on one since mid-Sept....and it is true....I can just get a little more ground in feeling "normal....without the big fat On-treatment-crazies-and-wondering-"what if"-mode.  It sucks you blind of energy!
Hmmmmmmm....suggestions for "forward projects"....I will likely be there soon enough myself as the last of the last in renovations will be completed by the end of the year.  Well, I just don't know what to tell you.....but let me think. 
My DH and I just decided to start a Supper Club to get through the winter with 3 other couples.....so trying new recipes and cooking has been a project of mine.  I kind of got crafty for awhile there...and started slamming tiles   ...to make a mosaic table top (very therapeutic was the slamming tiles with a hammer!) .....then there was the attempt to get my rear in gear to put 4 years of photos in photo albums...but that started to get me a little sad because the photos mostly portrayed my DH and I during very happy times of the past (with no big grief issues or worries) ...so I abandoned that project.  I am getting interested in re-finishing furniture...a chair maybe.  There is something to be said to take something "old and crappy" and make it look charming, I think.
I think that's all my brain will offer for tonight.....I look forward to talking with you again.
Cheers to you!  Gwendolyn


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## olwen (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Gwendolyn,

Thanks for the ideas.  I also seem to throw myself into photo projects but it sounds like I am more up-to-date with my albums than you (although I have got a mental block with it at the moment).  I also seem to have found myself a new activity to help me get through the "in-between" time and to cheer me up.... not only have I discovered this message board, but today I ventured into the chatroom!  It was great and I think the next couple of months will fly by!  

Hope all is going well with you.  You must feel relieved to have got the baby shower behind you.  Earlier in the year I was faced with my mum's 60th party and I almost didnt go because there were going to be quite a few people there with babies.  Of course in the end I did go and ended up hiding away in the kitchen for half of the day but I dont think anyone noticed.  It was a really hard day and I was dreading it for weeks beforehand so once I had got through it I felt a lot lot better.  

Well done you!  

Take care,

Olwen


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