# Shouldn't I just quit while I'm ahead?



## AggieJ (May 4, 2006)

Hiya

Have looked at this board a few times over the past week as a realization has hit me very recently (and my other half!). I know my DP and I are not actually ready yet, both emotionally or physically - it's still early days. However, despite having what I can only describe as a cr***y birth and appalling start to motherhood, I could imagine having another baby or more accurately I couldn't imagine NOT having one.

I guess I've been in the slightly different position of having had two children and then lost one  . However, I've read posts on here and really empathise with some of the feelings and concerns people raise... I too really struggle with Jacob being an only, even though there's so much evidence that it's not a negative thing!

Just want to know if I'm being really irrational here? A big part of me does feel that we should quit while we're ahead... It seems crazy to contemplate tx again after the journey we've had (and are still on) - and there's no way I'd have more than 1 embryo transferred. In an ideal world I'd wait 3 or 4 years then conceive naturally (ha ha!) but I'm 39 this year and don't have all the time in the world I guess. I know that no one has the answer but any thoughts would be great.

Sorry for the "me" post. Am wishing you all lots of luck,   and miracles  

Kate x x

PS DP and I have decided to talk about it properly when Jacob is 1, but I needed to tell someone as it's not something I feel I can discuss in the "real world"


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Kate,

I didn't want to read and run hun but not sure that i will be of much help.

However, i also think the 'quit while you are ahead' thing sometimes - but completely agree i can't imagine how i will feel if i don't have another one.  I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through, but i had a much more traumatic birth than i anticipated and a rocky start with breast feeding etc, but would do it all again like a flash.

I jsut wanted to reassure you that you are not on your own with these thoughts, and while i think we will try again, i have obviously contemplated the distinct possibility that it might not happen.

If you feel like this, maybe you need to discuss it with your dh now - it is obviously bothering you, and to have a time limit seems a bit restrictive given how you are feeling?  I assume the motivation for that was to give yourselves enough time to grieve for your little one (not that you will ever stop doing that), and to settle into normality again, am i right?

You will come to a decision - you will know what is right, but in the meantime keep chatting to us hun because we really do understand.

Big hugs

Sallywags


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## AggieJ (May 4, 2006)

Sallywags

Sorry for delay in replying. Thanks so much for responding to my post hun, I really appreciate it... 

I guess I was feeling a bit ashamed as if it's almost too soon to be thinking about having any more children. I know we're not ready to make decisions yet too (when I'm being rational!!!  ). However, I may be visiting this board when we do start to contemplate the options seriously.

I hope more than anything that your dreams are realized  . It just sucks that this IF stuff doesn't go away!   

Big   right back to you

Kate x x x x


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

I look forward to chatting to you again!

Things will become clearer - you still have to grieve for your little one (hope you don't mind me mentioning him  ) and you will be able to decide whether you are strong enough to go through treatment again. I bet you do though. 

this site is great - and even though you are right, IF does suck, this place makes it so much easier to deal with.


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## Sencybil1 (Sep 4, 2006)

Hi there

Thought I'd just join in and keep the chat going!  Its great to have somewhere to air your views where you don't have to caveat everything you say with an apology about sounding greedy - certainly I DO know how lucky I am to have had one miracle, but.......

I've just bitten the bullet and made an appointment with my clinic to discuss further treatment.  Ever since my gorgeous girl was born, I've known that I would have to make a decision one way or the other about pursuing a second child, because given my age and dh's sperm there's no realistic chance of a natural pregnancy.  I didn't want to think about it but age pressures dictate it has to be sooner rather than later.

This is my thought process, when you strip it down to the bare bones.  I had no problems with the ICSI cycle - no side effects from the drugs etc, in physical terms it was a breeze.  So the only reason not to do it is fear that it mightn't work?  Dur, I'm not pregnant now, if I don't do treatment I won't be pregnant, so if I do and it fails, I'm just in the same position I am now.  Its not any worse...........except financially of course.  So the only decision to make is about diverting money we would otherwise spend on our little girl to the chance of a second baby.  Is it worth taking the chance?

My thoughts on that are that for us it won't make a fundamental difference to her - it will mean fewer holidays, and UK ones rather than foreign ones.  It will mean a few less clothes and toys.  But she'll still have as much and probably more than she needs.  In 20 years time she's unlikely to look back and think I wish I'd had such and such toy when I was 3, it would really have enriched my life, but she may think I wish I had a sibling.  

Everyone focuses so much on the stress and negativity of fertility treatment.  Of course.  But the other side is that we're wonderfully lucky to live now, when the science has been developed, the treatment is available and its relatively affordable - comparable to the cost of a second hand car say.  And we who have a baby already are even luckier, not just because the joy our children bring really helps with any disappointments along the way, but for future treatment we have fewer unknowns than those who haven't yet had a baby (we know we can produce viable embryos, we know they can implant).

So I guess I'm saying, (leaving aside the money aspects which only each individual is able to assess their own situation), try not to think of it as 'Am I wrong to even consider not quitting while I'm ahead?'  Think 'I am perfectly right to consider something which can only have a no change or upside'.     

Do I sound horribly preachy?  I don't mean to, I just mean its so easy to tie yourself in knots going round and round the arguments either way, and this is how I got my head straightened out, maybe it'll help to read someone else's thought process.

Sencybil xx


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## RosieLa (Jan 14, 2005)

Hello

I have an appointment for FSH test tomorrow and meeting with consultant on Thursday. 

For me it's not about the tx so much. I want to be really certain that I'm doing the right thing by trying for another because if you try, you have to want it - just in case it works!

My little girl is the centre of my world - I love her more than I ever imagined I would - I know you understand this. 

I worry about whether having another baby would actually be good for her or if I'm just trying to complete some 'perfect family' set in my own head. Now we know how hard and tiring having a baby is, I know that I'm letting her in for a very grumpy, tired mummy and a crying sibling for a year or more plus much less attention than she's been used to for much longer. Em didn't sleep through the night till over a year and still doesn't every night now. How much will I wreck her childhood by being tired and busy? What you say about toys and money is so true - she won't care. But I know how horrible I am when tired. 

Has anyone else thought about how they would 'do things differently' next time round. e.g. even tonight, when she's 19 months old, I put her in the car to go to sleep rather than spend up to an hour trying to rock her to sleep. ( I don't do this every night but it's a tool in my arsenal!) I won't be able to do that to the new baby with Em at home, so how will we all cope? I never wanted to do Gina Ford-style routine with the first one but perhaps you have to with the second to make the house run smoothly.

I went on hols last week and really envied the families tumbling out of cars onto the beach with a 6 year old and a 9 year old, but just not sure how I will cope with the two kids under four part and whether perhaps I'm doing the wrong thing by trying again. (My DH works very long hours - never sees her during the week - and I have step children every other weekend that takes time away from him to help with the baby. It was so hard last time coping alone alot of the time that I'm not sure how I would make it through another year of sleep deprivation with a toddler in tow.) 

Thanks for the rant space. Just wondered if I am alone in this confused and scared of coping feeling?

Lots of love

Rosie
xxxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Rosie - you are not alone with those thoughts at all!!

I was having a really manic weekend with M last week, and all i could think, given that i'm due to start tx in about 2 weeks, is WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!?!' I am not sure how i will cope - particularly given that dh works away during the week so have to deal with it all on my own.  I'm worried about how i will cope even being pg with a toddler.  But then i realise that so many other people manage it, and ok it's hard work but ultimately so rewarding!  

M is so much fun at the moment, that to have 2 of them running around would be fab!! (remind me of that someone please, when i'm back here complaining that i'm shattered if i'm lucky enough to get another one?!?!)_


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## RosieLa (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Sally

Nice to hear from you again - our girls were a day apart in the end - can you remember us bored and waiting for inducion together? How interesting that we're both thinking about no 2 at the same time as well!

Thanks for reassuring me. I think you're right - we would get through it and for Em and M to have siblings will be so good for them in the future. 

Em was not impressed watching my blood test being done. Very confused cross face on. I thought though that if we do go for tx I'll be having injections and blood tests all the time so she may as well watch now and get used to it so she doesn't end up with a needle phobia in later life. Hope that's what happens rather than traumatising her!

Rosie
xxxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Rosie - gosh yes i do remember now! i knew i recognised your name but i spend so much time on here these days i recognise lots of names!!!  Good luck with it all - i'm hopefully going to be starting in about 2 weeks..... eek!!


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## HJG (Jan 23, 2006)

I've thought about this in terms of convincing myself that having another child isn't right for me (DH had decided no more and I was trying all sorts to come to terms with it).  I thought about what if treatment made me sick or didn't work, what if I got pregnant and it was awful and I didn't have the energy to work look after twins and look after myself, what if I lost a baby, how would I function.  What if when they arrive they don't sleep or eat or get sick all the time (my girls are text book still at them moment!!!).  But would I love them any less if these things happened - no.  I think if you feel a space where another child should be (and for you AggieJ that space is very real) then no amount of reason is going to fill that space.  It doesn't make you ungrateful for what you have (I have felt that over and over when moaning about not being able to to have more children) and it doesn't mean for me that A and E aren't "enough".

HJG


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