# what is positive about being childless



## Guest

Right I am moving on well trying to move on from 13yrs marriage (failed )due to 4 failed ivf/icsi , 3 iui and every holistic treatment tried you can name.  In new relationship which gave me new hope or did It give me a new dream I could never ever grasp and have to go through the wouldn't you make cute children all over again.

So heart ache aside dreams all popped aside.

Long lie at the weekend.
No kids TV 
no whining no whinging


thats about it I can't think I just keep thinking no future that excites me .  Why me will I truly ever in my head move on and accept as the decision has already been made for me.

This was supposed to be a positive thread sorry!!


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## helenbr

Hi. im in the same boat as you it is very hard. I had 5 goes IVF and not been successfull. I am having councelling and that is helping . If you want to chat i am here Best wishes Helen


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## Shirley1975

I get where you are coming from, your sensible part says hey some women CHOOSE not to have children. and they go on about how great it is. but when its not your choice its hard to have that same feeling. our right to choose has been taken away.

I have several friends that have choosen not to have children they say having neices and nephews is all they want. they like going home to chill with a bottle of wine and leave the children behind with the parents. it's like they don't understand why i can't see the benifits.

i fit in the no mans land inbetween, i have no choice to make, its all been done for me.


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## Montagne

Hi Pebbles, Helen & Shirley

I just wanted to say "Hi" and repeat some of my thoughts in my post to Zen.......Firstly hugs to you all - you have all had difficult paths to this point and are very brave women for making it this far. It's not an easy road, but the steps do begin to come more easily and lightly....When the choice of having children has been taken out of your hands, the only people that can understand are those in the same situation and it's tough. I have had long periods of utter hopelessness, but they have lessened and I'm beginning to dare to hope that maybe there is some kind of a purpose for me in this life. Little things that those with children don't have time to appreciate can feel like a gift. I picked my goddaughter up from school recently and it was such a privilege  . I will have time to find a career that truly fulfills me rather than doing something that fits around my family and I will have more time to do the things I enjoy like cycling. Sometimes it feels like empty pleasures, but at the same time I have to recognise that some of my friends who are mothers would kill to have the luxury of the time that I have for myself. It is so important to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve, but I am so sure that as time passes the acute feelings will pass to something that is more manageable.
Take good care of yourselves
Love
S
X


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## Myownangel

I hear what you are saying about choice. We are here cos we really wanted children but cannot have them. So I guess starting to list all the benefits of not having them is going to be difficult. And maybe it's the wrong way of looking at it. Perhaps another way of looking at it is to say that this is one part of your life that didn't work out - but there are other paths to follow and other dreams to dream. Personally, I started to fill my life up with things I enjoy doing. For me it is creative things like writing, crafting, walking, photography. And I joined classes where only adults would be (like evening classes). Over time, I have got to a point where I really like my life. I do still have sad times and feelings of loss. But I don't let my childlessness define who I am. I am more than that - have more to offer. 
Also I should add that it has taken years for me to get to this point. So be easy on yourself. This kind of grieving takes time. But remember that you do only have one life - and there are so many other avenues to explore besides baby-making. I don't say this in a trite way - I really mean it. We HAVE to find new ways - for our well being and ultimate happiness. 
Bernie xxx


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## Natalie01

Hi,

I like this thread because it helps us focus on the brighter side of life, which can only make us stronger.

1)  This is something that I've only just discovered, but, if you are like me and live in rented accomodation, just you try and get a place if you have kids!.. It is a childless person's game.  I actually felt chuffed that when I was on the phone to an estate agent the first thing they asked, even before they took my name was 'Do you have kids?  No children allowed!'

2)  Here's also a thought that can also double up as a witty come back to all 'those' questions that we all love to answer about our childless state but I'd love to know-' If being in the 'Mummys' Club can make us so rude and insensitive as to constantly ask childless people all these private questions then why do we aspire be one of them?  If thats how being a mummy can change you, then surely that is a negative.

Anyhow,

Big Hugs

xx


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## tiara

i have recently found out i cant have children.... my idea of completness taken away gone.

It is all very raw for me, but the journey of ivf has made me stop my life, work everything and reaaly think about what i want and think of me for the first time ever!!!!! i am 36.
That is my only positive!

***


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## Natalie01

danielscroft12,

You have raised a very interesting point, the whole experience certainly does make you re-evaluate your life.  I found out when I was very young that I am what they refer to as 'Medically unable to conceive' i.e. no chance.  I count this as a blessing, in a small way, because it means that I was able to be up front with any prospective partner.  I can't imagine what it must be like to go through so many more years (naturally thinking that you will have chidren) only to be given the 'unexplained ' verdict or another condition where there is still that hope, at least for me, a line has been drawn.  I find that comforting in a way.

xx


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## cookies81

I have nothing to say as Im still new to all of this and havent accepted the idea yet and I know sometimes kind well ment words hurt so     and my  prayers that u will find the strength inside u to deal with it and enjoy the other aspects of ur life to the fullest


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## Debs

I know there are positives and its good for us to focus on them because if we focus on the negatives we are just going to spend our entire lifes sad   and as myownangel says - we only get one life.

So heres my positive thoughts (glad you asked this week as I have been severely not focusing on positives just lately   ):

Cheaper holidays as we can go when we like
We can go out when we like
We can get drunk and not have to worry about getting up early with a hangover
We can spend all our money on us (which I found weird as spent years penny watching for tx)
We can watch what we like on the telly (im getting desperate now  )
The time we do spend with our nephews and neices is special

Big hugs to everyone    

Love

Debs xxx


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## Laura36

Hi ladies, I have just had my last failed tx.  DH doesn't want to do more but i do.  Not sure what to do about that. But in the meantime (as money now short) I am going to have to try and get my head around not having children or grandchildren  

I agree with all your positives Debs. In fact, DH and I bumped into 2 sets of friends today who both have children.  They'd all just taken the children swimming and looked mega tired, haggard and older than their years we thought. So my positive for the day is that without children i look younger!  

Tara, I also struggle with the whole question of what my life is about. This has made me think too much about that issue.  I just don't want my life to be about work.  I hate the fact that many people (except close friends and family) probably assume I don't want children and am very career focussed when that couldn't be further from the truth.  Work for me is a distraction that I have whilst I was waiting to be a mum.  Oh, and helps a lot with paying for tx!


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## tiara

thank you for your reply.

Yeah i am like you work was a distraction till my family life began.

I m a teacher at the moment, at a college, but i have no energy for it at the mo!

Yes looking younger is a blessing and of course keeping glamorous is my plight.

You look after your self,

Tara


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## Myownangel

I agree with everything you say here Meredith. I am finding my own meaning and a new 'life path'. It has been difficult. Still have days when I feel sorry for myself and can't accept it. But I think that I am finally beginning to feel the sun on my face  (and not just because I'm in New Zealand now!) I don't think I will ever say that not having children was the making of me, or that it all turned out for the best. But I hope I will be able to say that I did not let infertility ruin my life. There comes a point when you really have to choose: stay stuck or move on. We all reach that point in our own time. I've spent 10 years on this - I reckon it's a fair crack. Now I'm moving on.
Bernie xxx


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## sunshine daisy

Maybe I shouldn't be posting on this thread as I am actually about to have one last go at ICSI but 3 years ago when we lost our second baby we decided that we wouldn't have any more treatment and I've spent the last few years moving towards accepting that.

It has been very hard and I wouldn't say I've learned anything particularly profound or that it has improved my life but it doesn't dominate my life now either.  I've come to appreciate quite a few things about my childless life, to the point that if it weren't for my husband I probably wouldn't be going through all this again.  So, the main things I appreciate about my life:

- my DH.  The awful experiences of finding out about the IF, the treatment and the loss of our babies have made us closer than ever.  He's wonderful.
- my dog.  I have always been a cat person but DH loves dogs so last year a puppy arrived in our house.  After initial few weeks of shock I adore him.
- my career.  After having it on hold for a long time due to the IF treatment over the last few years it has taken off.  I work every month in New York and I couldn't do that if I had kids.
- travel.  A lot easier without kids.  I love traveling and always have.  We have a house in the Balkan mountains and use of the work flat in Manhattan and we visit both as much as possible.  
- disposable income.  When our endowments mature in a few years time we're going on safari, not putting the money aside for the kids education.
- hobbies and projects.  I have time to learn new skills (knitting is the most recent) and research projects.  Best of all I get loads of time to read, which has always been my favourite occupation.
- sleep.  My friends with young kids get far too little.

I'm sure there are many other things and I know that if I do have a family I'll be delighted but hey, if I don't, well life is good too.

Thanks for starting this thread. It's done me good just to stop and think about what I love in life!


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## Irish Dee

Dear lovely ladies,

I don't want to intrude here as I am still on my journey, but before myself and my DH began IVF, we made a promise to each other that we would not let this thing destroy us or what we meant to each other.  

I wrote this post before I started to keep myself reminded of why we were doing it in the first place.

**********************************************

It's important to remember.....................

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.  

I picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts.  We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then.  But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have....................  

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's.

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we hope to hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.
Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.  

I really hope that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents, but if we do not, quite bluntly what can we do about it?  It is out of our hands and beyond our control.  Cruel as it is, there is nothing that either of us can do to change that.

I don't want to waste the rest of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## skydog

sorry if this sound anything but positive but here i am again spending another drunken night thinking about what life would be like with a little one, my bf is about to have a little girl but i cant help feeling gutted its been 3 years since i was told there was no hope of having kids of my own, no matter what a pretty ribbon you put on it ie lie ins, no baby sitter needed etc it doesnt stop the yearning, the dreams that you have a baby and unfortunately for me no amount of councelling keeps that at bay. no i dont have a drink problem only the occasional night like this when it all gets too much but i do wonder sometimes when will the pain end.... my answer is never i will never stop wanting and yearning for the one thing i cant have or give my dh god only knows why he hasnt left me his family have told him to and i have told him i would not hold it againt him if he did, but he doesnt leave me. i love my little angel babies with my every breath and wish only to have a few more moments with them on this earth so they could have met there beautiful fantastic daddy, i miss you my babies love you always xxxxx mummy


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## Debs

Skydog

Your dh is with you because he loves you.  No matter what life throws at us sometimes if we stick together we get through it - and your dh wants to be with you no matter what life throws your way.

Its not easy being childless - I still wish I know that much - but im at the stage where I dont want it to still dominate my life - i spent too long in that position.  Its not an easy road to travel down hun - but we are all here to walk that road with you and it sounds like your dh is too  

Hope the head dont hurt too much this morning  

Love

Debs xxx


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## Yamoona

Skydog, Deb's is right. If you give your childlessness all the power then it will keep you feeling down. Have you thought about counselling or seeing your GP? There is help out there for you and wouldn't it be nice to be able to see there can be life for you again? We all feel your pain because we have been/are there too x


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## Yamoona

Irish-Dee, love your post hun. Can totally relate. We had a final NHS ICSI in our hands on the understanding that I lose weight. I have been dieting/exercising since Oct last year and despite some initial success could not lose anymore weight. The hospital miscalculated my BMI (to my advantage) and we were accepted for treatment. However I knew that once I got to the clinic I would be weighed again and then they would realise I was border line. Around the same time I received all the forms to complete I also got my recent blood test results which I had done to find out why I was so tired. I was totally shocked to find out my thyroid levels (TSH) were worse now than 8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

I totally broke down and told DH that I didn't feel strong enough for anymore treatment and that it was obviously effecting my health as this problem started after my 3 DIUI last summer. All I have ever wanted was a family but here I am childless at 39. However, like you say if I really wanted one why did I not do it in my 20's? I had the chance and I don't regret not doing it and to be honest I have hardly ever used contraception so I honestly think I have unexplained infertility. Add that to DH explained infertility and we had to be honest that it is never going to work. Now we are dealing with this decision which was only made last week! So now we are in the position to plan holidays, decide on a new future and start living again.


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## Guest

gosh what a reponse thank you to all the ladies i must admit i only come on here when i am low and i did not come on again after my post.

wow holidays we get to lie for hrs in the sun not checking the pool or running to get drinks snacks smothering cream on our children.

money we can buy all the clothes we like cause we only need to kit ourselves out.  we must be less stressed than people with kids

if you buy kittens they will bring the same stress as kids and one of my kittens lies on my belly like a baby meowing at me and snuggling for hrs she was definatley meant to be mine and sent to my by an angel i think.

anybody who also feels low please pm me and we can support each other as we all have so much empathy to make us all stronger and cheer each other up

xx


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## beachgirl

Like each and everyone of you, I've always wanted a family and children of my own...coming to terms with it not happening is hard and o be honest I don't think many people will fully come to terms with such a life changing event, especially one not through choice..

I just am thankful for my DH, who really is my world, always there for me and the opportunities that we have to enjoy life...holidays, cooking, spending time with friends...

Things can never make up for not having a child but you only have the one life so treasure every moment and try and enjoy it as much as possible


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## dtw01

Oh my , i have just sat hear reading this thread in tears !!!

As i am about to embark on another go on this rollercoaster journey i read your thoughts with interest .

You are all so right, we dont choose to be childless......but we can choose to enjoy our lives .

I know i drive my DP mad as i constantly have bad days and talk about infertility , but you have inspired me to be less concerned about the negatives and more fun to be around.

Starting today .......i am gonna go out with DP tonight to watch football and get drunk, and i am gonna be the girl he chose to be with, not the one whose life has been darkened by infertility.

Thanks ladies, without knowing you have done me the world of good !!!!!!

Big hugs

H xxx


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## shoequeen

Hi ladies - I haven't had any treatment yet so forgive me for intruding but we have recently found out that we can't have children naturally.  My DH had a vasectomy many years ago and we decided that once we were married he would have this reversed and we would try for children.  Before this could happen, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer - 3 years on he has thankfully been given the all clear and we decided to go for it.  For the past 12 months I have been having irregular periods so we were advised to get this checked out before we went ahead with the reversal.  After investigations on my part we were advised 3 weeks ago that the chances of it working, with the combined issues, were very minimal and we were advised not to go ahead with the reversal but to consider IVF instead.

My DH has 4 children from a previous marriage ranging from 13 to 18.  I think a lot of them but they are not MINE!  We have an appointment to see a consultant at the IVF clinic in a few weeks but since we were told the outcome of the tests my mind has been in overdrive and I must admit that I have got round to thinking 'do I really want to do this?'  We both have good jobs and have a pretty good life pleasing, mostly, just ourselves (sorry if that sounds selfish - I have spent the last 7 years putting things on hold because of DH's children and they are now at age where they are more independant).  I am 37 and DH is 44 - he is quite happy with 'his lot' but is also happy for us to try IVF for me and I love him so much for that!

I have been thinking that we should be grateful he is here - he had peritonitis and it was when they were removing his appendix that they found the tumour on his bowel - if it hadn't been for this it might have been too late when they discovered the cancer.  What I am trying to say is that no-one knows what's round the corner and that, in my sensible moments, I feel I should move on and be grateful for what I have and that is a husband who loves me and 4 great step children who will hopefully bring us grand children over the coming years.  I also have an amazing god daughter who has brought me lots of joy over the years and will continue to be spoilt rotten by me!

Although I haven't made up my mind whether to go ahead with IVF treatment, we are going to go for the consultation in July and see what our options are but my head is already telling me that perhaps I just need to move on and continue enjoying life with my wonderful family and friends.

Sorry if I have rambled but it's good to get it off my chest - instead of being told by my (well meaning) friends that I will regret it 5/10 years down the line if I don't at least give it a try!  

Thanks for listening ladies - take care x


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## Flow13

shoequeen, I can totally relate to you. 

My dh had his vasectomy reversal over a year ago and he was tild it was a success, however, we havent conceived yet. We are also in an iVA that is due to finish in 13 months so we had decided to put ttc on hold. 

However, as it hasnt happened for us yet i am assuming that there is something wrong with me. My stepchildren are great and i am really close to them all (ages 10, 13 and 16). They come to us every weekend apart from once a month. We have just had our weekend off and it was great to finally have some time together just us. 

When we finish our iva we will be completly debt free and able to enjoy our life with no money worries for the first time in our relationship of 6 years. I am wondering whether we should continue to ttc or to enjoy our lives - buy a house, have good holidays. I have been feeling down at the minute as a friend has now found she is expecting. So, I am, debating on what would be the right course for us. Live a debt free life and live it up, but woiuld I be truely happy. Or go for it and ttc again, knowing that in the future we would porbably struggle for money again if I was to take mat leave. 

So right now I am not sure what we are going to do. But what I do know is that I have the support of Ian, and I have the lve of his children even though they arent biologically mine. x


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## jq

Hello old friends and new,

I have been away from FF for a long time. I received and hope I gave a lot of support on this board. I hope it is relevant and helpful to say that there came a point where I did not need to be here and that I could offer no more than was already given by newer members whose care and wisdom were so freely shared. I returned today because an email from a friend I made here reminded me of the site and how important it had been to me. This thread caught me because I remember well how I struggled with finding a new future once I was forced to give up on the hope of having a family of my own. It was great to read the posts from Meridith and MyOwnAngel because I remember well and always appreciate their wisdom.

Maybe it will be of interest to some of you to hear how life is for me now I am past menopause? 

Very gradually, and at first with the support of my own "FF," I let go of hurt. I hoped to find a big new thing to fill my life. Actually I found that what I needed to do at first was to concentrate on what was already available to me. Meridith and My Own Angel might remember that I have a belief in a "Mothering Spirit." 

My own Mothering Spirit has found lots to do in supporting those dear to me. This has included nurturing my two brothers who have both had difficult times. I was amazed to find that I had no problem in welcoming my oldest brother's unexpected late fatherhood when he finally married in his 50s - I had expected all sorts of difficult, jealous feelings, none of which materialised! As a result of some honest talking we are now closer than we have been since childhood. 

Learning to let go of my hurt has enabled me to become much closer to my family and friends.

An unexpected redundancy meant I had to get a new job where I found myself leading a team comprising of mostly young women. In that role I have supported women going through juggling work with pregnancy and returning after maternity leave,  - something I  thought would be tough, but somehow my Mothering Spirit rose to the challenge and I have truly cared for the young mums who were almost young enough to be my daughters. Two others in my team have endometriosis and one is having fertility treatment, the other is single and getting to an age where she fears that she will be too old for treatment by the time she finds a partner. I have a special compassion for these two women and know that they feel it.

A long standing friend that I used to babysit for many years ago has had to face the suicide of her son. I was honoured that in her grief she reached out to me and said "we have both lost our babies." That taught me that we can give and receive understanding with unshared traumatic  journeys.

I have done a foundation course in counselling and psychotherapy. Due to financial problems I have had to put on hold starting on a course that will lead to qualifications. But during the foundation course I learnt so much about myself and other people too. I expected to uncover a horrible, undeserving person at the root of my soul, (the actual cause of my unexplained infertility and repeated miscarriages)  but she wasn't there after all! As part of the course I had to enter therapy. After a bad experience of counselling aligned to my fertility treatment I was not looking forward to therapy, but, having chosen my therapist carefully I have found it to be an enriching experience.

Life is not perfect, but I have the strength and support to deal with the difficult parts. It would have been no easier or harder had I had the children I longed for, just different. 

So how do I feel now about being childless? I accept the sadness as part of who I am, I don't fight it. I accept it along with embracing the happier parts of who I am. 

So, to answer the question "what is positive about being childless? For me it has been nothing to do with things like time to myself,money to spend...it has been having to face the questions (sooner than a lot of parents do) "Who am I? What is my worth?" and finding that my Mothering Spirit has answers I can be proud of.

Blessings from my Mothering Spirit to all yours. xxx


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## beachgirl

JQ    what a lovely expressive and meaningful post, thanks for sharing that with us


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## eggtastic

JQ - thank you for such an amazing post!!  Truly inspiring!  I think I have a very strong Mothering Spirit... I have never really acknowledged her existance... from now on I will acknowldge that part of me and give myself credit and a pat on the back for doing my bit...


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## stelle

Hi  i havnt been on here for a long time and im still no further forward ive had no treatments cus i couldnt get it on NHS    and i cant afford it . Ive had to accept now that im never going to have kids    So now i live my life i try to have fun go out and enjoy life. Its always going to be at the back of my mind but i know ive got to move on .


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## DDinCA

Thank you -- all of you -- for your posts.  I needed to read them today as we've reached the end of our ttc journey.  After 12 years, it is time to move on.


JQ - your post made me weep.  I have had people tell me that I am a "mothering spirit" in different words and in different ways over the years.  I've resented it because it wasn't "my" plan for my life.  Your post helps me make peace with who and what I am and what I have to offer to this world.


And Irish Dee -- I am a firm believer that we need to remember some of the things you point out in your very down to earth and hopeful message.


Thank you.


dd


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## jq

Just a brief than you to the people who wrote such warm responses to my post above.


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