# why me?



## desperate (Sep 17, 2004)

my name is claire and i have two children (boys aged 12 and 9yrs) i am 29. I was in a terrible relationship for 6 years and the result was two wonderful accidents. But now i have been in a happy marriage with a wonderful man for 7 years and have had nothing but heartache on the baby front. I always wanted lots of kids and thought when i met my husband we could continue my dream of a large family. But, after 7 years, 8 misscarriages and a lot of heartache im starting to think otherwise. I had a laparoscopy in 2001 which confirmed that after all the pregnancy problems and endo my tubes are blocked both sides and i have lots of scar tissue which is stopping me having my husbands baby, my boys are my life and i thank god everyday that i was able to have them, but i want to be a bit selfish and have more, all my friends and family pop them out whenever the feeling arises and i wish i could do that. I would be happy at this moment in time for one more baby, one that my hubby and i can share genetically, that will be a little of both of us and i really dont understand why me!!
Im running out of time, and ivf is so expensive, i dont know if we will ever get our baby.


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Hi Desperate,

Welcome to FF - you will truely be among friends here that do understand your situation.

I must admit, prior to having my son last November, I didn't fully appreciate people with secondary infertility - I hate to admit it, but I did used to think, be grateful for what you have, there are many that don't get that far.

Now, the story is so different, I have a gorgeous son who is 10 months old and now that I know what it's like to be pregnant, to be a mummy, as opposed to the anticipation of it, I want more....... Unfortunately I have just had another IVF/ICSI cycle, which produced no embryo's and has now lead to no end of problems in my relationship with my dh - he's now put the cybosh on any further attempts.

My heart is breaking right now, I so desperately want what others can do so naturally - as someone rightly pointed out, why, just because we need Assisted Conception of some type, why should we not crave more children, it's so natural to want this.

So, sorry to go on, but I really do sympathise with you and do hope that some day soon, you and your husband to manage to get your little dream bundle to cuddle and hold in your arms.

Love,

Sue xxxxxxxxxx


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## joxxii (Jun 9, 2004)

Hi Claire,
Well done for finding ff-you will get lots of support here!
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. If your doctor is unhelpful why don't you talk to another? I think most health authorities don't fund ivf for secondary infertility- mine don't!, but it's worth asking.
I know how you feel. All my friends are having babies at the moment, and it's really hard, even though i am happy for them, it just seems so easy for them! 
You have got plenty of time, so try not to worry too much.
lots of love,
joanna


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## chick66 (Nov 18, 2003)

Hi there Claire

Welcome to Fertility Friends and as Sue has already said, you'll wll be among many many true friends who can support you and help you in absolutely any way possible.

I can't pretend to know what you are going through, I haven't yet had children but I am with a man who is my life and my world and we've got a limited time to have a child together and that is stressful enough in itslef without all the heartache you have been through. We all know the heartache of infertility, it's s ad but string bond that ties us all and in a way i do feel privilidged to be able to share such a bond with so many wonderful people on this site.

The one magical thing about FF is that however bad things get, however low you feel, however bleak you think th outlook is, there are ALWAYS people here to help pick yourslef up and who WANT to support you because they know exactly what you are going through and they want to help and there is so much of that here.

Regardkess of the circumsatnce surround our infertility, we all know the pain of it and we're all here for you no matter what.

Sending you a huge   & lots of  
Chick


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## sam19 (Sep 11, 2004)

Hi Claire,
          Am sorry to hear all your problems. I have a 16 yr old and then had a terrible marriage, i am now with wonderful DP and am on my 3rd ivf. I too had blocked tubes and pelvic infection(that i knew nothing about). I just try to stay positive and think that dreams do happen. I also know how it feels when all around you are having babies, my brother and his gf are pg with twins   it is really hard. I hope things work out and that you get your chance  
                    Luv Sam xxxx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Hi everyone

I have a 7 year old adorable son from a terribly abbusive previous marriage with a man who didnt want a child and still doesnt (he refuses access although I feel that my son should know who his father is).
I have since remarried a fantastic man who took my son (who is autistic) on and treated him like his own. He supported me through emotionally draining times with my sons ill health (both mental and physical).
We have been ttc for 3.5 years with no success. Recently DH was diagnosed with Azoospermia (no sperm in semen).
We were and still are devastated. We are presently waiting for DH to have a biopsy to tell us if he has any sperm in his testicles to be later used for ICSI, but we are not that positive at the moment.
I know I should be greatful for the son I already have, but I so so so dream of bringing a child into this world to TWO loving parents. I dream daily of seeing my DH face when I give birth to his child and feel the joy that we can share.
Sorry to harp on so depressingly but today is a bad day! Hopefully tomorrow, the sun might shine and my feelings be brighter,

Take care

Mae

PS: Im just off now to wrap my arms round my son and tell him how much he is loved.


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## Fee (May 8, 2003)

Hi Desparate - and all the other girls posting here.

Well Mae, my dh and I know exactly what you mean - but I am so encouraged by the girls on here who have the same male factor fertility problems and have gone on to have successful ICSI. Shazza is on the boards, and is quite a way through her pregnancy now, which is terrific. I so know how devasting the news of this can be - but hold hope in your heart for your husband's tests and biopsy hun xxxx

Desparate - I'm so glad you found FF - the girls on here are so supportive and terrific.  You've been through so much. I really hope you and your wonderful partner achieve your dream of a baby together.

Fee xxxxxxxxx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Hi

Thanks fee for the advice and support. You are so right..this site is such a comfort at a time when you feel so alone in all this IF. Its great to know there are others in the same boat that have been successful with biopsy and ICSI.

We are keeping everything crossed at the moment!!

Good luck to everyone else too 

Lol

Mae


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## desperate (Sep 17, 2004)

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, i dont have any friends i can talk to, i did have one who like me craved for a child (her number 5) and had major fertility problems but got there in the end and unfortunately has kept her distance from me since giving birth to a baby girl last year. I have two pregnant friends who i am knitting clothes for (a thing i love but hate at the same time) my cousin popped out her 4th last year (with father number 3) and i feel so angry that i cant do that. I love my boys, they are my life, and everyone tells me to be grateful and satisfied but i dont see why i should, my family isnt complete, i am not complete and i cant help the feelings i have, they are natural. My mum only had me, then an ectopic, and i know she always wanted more, so i dont see why it is so wrong for me to want a baby. I watch the maternity programmes on sky and torture myself doing it, but hearing the babies cry and watching how happy the parents are is a dream i have to fulfill because i will never feel complete until i do. Or at least try. The most frustrating thing of all is everyone who tells me to be happy with what i have are those that have no problems, they just stop taking the pill and are pregnant by the next month. My boys are special needs kids and i want to give them a brother or sister, they ask me when am i having a baby? everytime someone we know has one ITS NOT FAIR> Why was i delt a faulty body? Im sorry for sounding so negative, i showed my dh some info on ivf that i found on the web and he turned his nose up at it, said its to much money and not enough guarantee that it will work. If we did it, and it kept failing, how much would we spend before i called it a day that kind of stuff and i really felt like smacking him in the mouth. Its not his problem, its mine and i just dont know how to make him understand how important and wonderful a baby would be.

Claire xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Clare_S (Aug 9, 2003)

I just ready your post and I have nothing much to add apart from sending you  

Clare


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Desperate,

Im with claire on sending you a great big  

Take care and look after youself,

Mae


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