# bloody telly



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Sometimes I think I should just not watch the bloody telly anymore. 

Tonight we are watching grand designs. A couple with a 2-3 year old are building a ridiculous fantasy house somewhere. As they were interviewing the couple about progress I had that funny feeling. You all know what I am talking about. Just a feeling. No reason. No rhyme. Then it happened. The man said "well the complicated thing is that when we move in Jane (or whatever) will be having a baby. Did you know that?" I said nothing for a minute. Then I turned to my husband and said "I knew he was going to say that, I totally saw it coming". To which he said "what can you do, people are going to have babies for the rest of your life". 

Then it hit me. 

We don;t feel the same. I will ALWAYS feel differently about this. I will always be the one "on the lookout". Devastated. Sad. I will always be 'affected'. I will always feel like I should just move on. Like whenever I say something like what I said tonight that he will say for gods sake move on. It just makes me feel very alone, very small, very sad and very pointless. 

Thing is, I feel as though I will always have the sting when I see a carefree woman who is pregnant. A carefree couple who haven't experienced the pain and devastation of infertility. The way the husband spoke of his wife on that show. Such natural admiration, such natural love, everything that I feel has been ripped away from me by infertility. I can remember a picture of my husband some years ago, when he was staring into the camera with such love. Some months (years? god) ago, when I was at a very low point, I wrote on the back of the picture "one day he will look at me like that again".

Not any day soon, though :-((((

R xx


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Oh rubster I could of wrote that myself. I completely get where your coming from! Just when I think to myself 'right I can do this' I see a pregnant lady and BAM back to the way I was. My partner HAS basically said to me before to 'move on'  in his own words and that really hurts even when he says nothing he just gives half a smile that seem sympathetic but really I know he's thinking 'for God sake here she goes again'   I think fertility has such a big impact on people I can say for sure it's changed me as a person. I get so angry at people. I'm good at acting like I'm ok emailing at people who question but when I get home I cry! I've seen a counsellor and yes it's worked great I can now help myself and I feel better BUT it's not cured me I still go home sometimes and think that's it I'm done I've had enough I can't cope like this anymore and I feel so alone like no one cares and when I do try talk about it I get half a smile but the feeling they arnt listening   . I'm sure your husband still looks at you with that love, we just don't see it cus were so foocused on what we feel and see we are oblivious. I feel the same about my partner sometimes he'll tell me he loves me or whatever and I think yes I believe it but will he in a few tears, does he feel the same about me?  I look at photos ect. Sometimes I even go as far as thinking I should leave so he can have his family life. Your really bot alone in this sending you massive


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

I know exactly how you feel, Rubster and sometimes even the wretched ads get to me! (If I see that moving on milk with all those smug mums one more time I will scream!)
I don't think there's any way round the fact that men deal with things differently. My dh has never been as affected by it all as I have and the other day, when I was very low again, he told me that I just keep reopening the old wounds by constantly thinking about it, commenting on useless parents, etc. 
That's just not true, the ache never really goes away and some days it's worse than others but I can't make him see that. 
He's more or less OK with never having kids, I think and he told me he didn't expect to get them anyway. That doesn't make me feel any better, especially when I think about what a great dad he would make.
You're right, it's so easy for so many people and I just find that unbelievable. But that's how it was meant to be, I suppose, the most natural thing in the world. But we've tried adoption, we've tried surrogacy and basically we've nothing left to try (unless we win the lottery). 
Hope you feel a bit better soon.xx


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