# No Win Situation!!!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear all
I thought i would raise this with you because i think this is something we all come across sometime during our IF Journey...
Its not that i feel sad or anything like that, its just that i have thought about this over the last few days.. 
The reason why i am bringing this up is because on sunday i was told quite innocently by my DH mother that they had just been to a christening. I asked who was it and she told me that my DH cousin had just given birth to a girl and it was her christening..
I was annoyed that we were not told so atleast we could have sent a card..My Dh mother thought i was upset because we didn't give an invite to the christening? She really wasn't listening as i would not have wanted to have go anyway..
I was more sad about the fact that we were not told.....are things that bad that we couldn't be told
Over the last few days i have pondered on this and thought either way i would have been alittle upset and maybe it is a no win situation...If i did get to know earlier it still would have been niggling at me...so i suppose in one way i have been saved a good old 9months having to get upset about it...
Please, i am not writing this because i am upset in anyway, but i just think that maybe knowing i could take charge of what i wanted to do?? it never ends really does it 
Have you been in this situation
thanks astridxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oooh Astrid yes I have been in a similar situation(s) numerous times before!

DH's brother and his wife had a DD. They asked us to be godparents, to be honest we really didn't want to do it as we have loads of godchildren between us, and cynical me is sick to the back teeth of being the 'token childless godparent' because we have never had any contact with any of our godchildren - actually we have never even met one of them - we were made godparents by proxy - without our consent!   I had a card delivered to work to tell me that myself and my DH were made godparents - eeek! Didn't realise people could do that without your consent?         we didn't know the child!!!

Anyway, I digress, we were godparents for our niece - then when it was her first birthday we never got informed and all the family were there apart from us. It would have been nice to be able to have made an informed desicion about what arrangements we could have made to see our niece around the time of her birthday, as it was we were both working that evening anyway. 

Time went on and DH's brother and his wife gave birth to their second baby and no-one said a word to us... we discovered he had arrived almost 2 months after the event   by which time it was too late to go and get him a card / present etc. He was also christened and we weren't invited although the rest of the family was. Not that we were bothered about attending the christening after how his bro and wife had treated us anyway!  

We are subjected to MIL telling us about family parties for christenings etc and DH tells her quite firmly that we don't want to go, because he is sick to death of all of his family cornering me and asking me personal and intrusive questions about my IF. Why, we even had them grilling us at a family funeral recently - you would have thought there was more on their mind than my IF?   we are made to feel as if we are avoiding everyone because of my IF which isn't true - we have other things to consider such as our working patterns and when DH can see his DD and all the multitude of 'life soup' that crop up and fritter away your time.

So yes, Astrid, it would be nice in these sort of situations to be able to make an informed choice and be able to take charge of what you want to do and not what other people think is best for you - I don't know about you but I get right hot under the collar when others try and second guess me and do 'what they think best' when they don't have the slightest indication what I think or feel about pork chops, the weather, my trainers, how I like my gravy or my IF...!  

Hope I haven't offended anyone by being flippant here  

Love,
Emcee x


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## lisa.m (Mar 31, 2006)

astrid, ive just had a situation today which was sort of similar, one of  best friends told me today that 2 weeks ago she found out that she was pregnant(8weeks) but the baby had died , she went through having to deal with this emotionaly and physicaly on her own as she didnt want to tell me incase i got upset that she was pregnant! i was more upset that she felt like she couldnt talk to me any more, i hate the feeling that people are trying to protect me all the time, i know they are doing it because they care but they dont realise that it hurts more being kept in the dark   how long will it take for people to start treating us normal again?
lisa x x x x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Lisa

Sending you massive   because I've been there loads of times myself, and it hurts to be left out in the cold, especially when its people whom we are close to! Argh!

I'm feeling a tad guilty for sounding so silly earlier too, I sincerely hope it didn't cause you any further upset hon.

Love & gentle   from me.
Emcee x


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## lisa.m (Mar 31, 2006)

emcee thank you for your kind words, of course your message didnt cause upset, if you cant get it off your chest here, where can you! ive now been labelled "childless" is this all people think now when they see me, will they continue to hide their baby photos and stop their conversations when i walk into a room ? how long will it take for people to stop acting  like this or is how i will be treated for ever!!!
lisa x x x x x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I've often been known to rant the same myself hon... its hard enough being in the situation we find ourselves in without others and their 'meaning well' things that they do.    It only ends up making us feel even more isolated from the rest of the world!

I'd say the people around you need a bit of an education - let me at them!    We aren't childless hon, we are childfree, and if other people can't step out of their tiny minds to realise the added hurt they are causing you by the way they are reacting towards you, then they are not worth bothering about! I bet if there was something wrong with any of them you would be the first person reaching out to them! Its often the same, those who have been through the worst always reaching out and giving their all to others  

Its amazing how I often hear of this sort of thing happening   it makes me so flipping mad that anyone has to go through this when they already have enough to deal with. I'm sticking my two fingers up at all of them who have upset you on your behalf! 

As you can see I feel really strongly about this sort of thing  

Take care of you hon, I'm so glad you've got us to talk to - we know exactly where you're coming from!

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

I haven't experienced the not been invited to christenings, or not been told of pregnancies.  Infact I seem to get the exact opposite,everyone can't wait to tell me.  Although I'm glad friends, family feel they can tell me these things, it doesn't mean I don't hurt a bit when they do.  One of the hardest no win situations I have felt was during one of my cycles of IVF.  My friend was having TX also & I had absolutely convinced myself that only one of us would get a positive result. She tested before me and I'm ashamed to admit that when she rang me to tell me I could hardly bring myself to congratulate her.... I was so gutted.  I really hated myself for feeling like that but I just couldn't help myself. Looking back I can see now that it was a no win situation, she didn't want to lie or keep it from me, but in a funny way I really didn't want to know.

Still I wouldn't like not to be told about christenings etc just because I did not have any family myself. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. 

Jane


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Jane
I am so glad that you brought up about your friend going through tx at the same time as you. I think that you are a brave person to say what you have and i can honestly hold my hands up and say that i have been there on numerous occassions. Its a devastating feeling and i wonder if the pressure is also on, when you are both friends going through tx at the same time?? As much as you are happy for them, i have to say that i was gutted and more sad for myself and my hubby. That may sound self centered, but it always seemed as if someone was going to the front of the queque all the time...
So i think its only natural to feel this way, but again as you say it definately is a no win situation. I have thought during a treatment what if it was me telling them it was sucessful? it always seems as if someone gets hurt and why can't it be everyone that shares the good news instead of so much heartache...
Jane i can totally understand why you are coming from and its good to know that we are not alone with our thoughts...
thx....astridxxx


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