# 1st Failed Attempt at ICSI - Newbie



## jujugaboo (Aug 6, 2009)

I got a BFN on Monday when I did my test and I was so upset and couldn't stop crying.

My partner and I have been trying for a couple of years to have a baby and though I am medically fine my partner has retrograde ejaculation due diabetes.  Are only option was ICSI.

I was fine on the drugs had no major side effects and considering I hate needles I did pretty well.  They had to up my stim drugs as I am a bit of a slow burner.  I had about eight follicles each side and some good sizes.  I had acupuncture to help with my lining which really worked.  They only collected 3 eggs which I was a bit disappointed about, I think some had got too mature and others didn't have time to catch up.  One egg fertilised and the others didn't, but I thought it only takes one!.

I layed on the sofa for 4 days and took it easy and not got stressed as I am pretty chilled anyway.  I did lots of positive thinking and really convinced it was going to work.  I had lots of cramping the first week which wore off during the second.  I had sore nipples, bleeding gums and blood in my nose which I thought were all good signs and I hadn't had any bleeding/spotting either.  I was so convinced it was going to work when I saw the BFN I was devastated.  The hardest thing is telling friends and family without bursting into tears.


We will try again ASAP if we can but I don't know if anybody has got any words of wisdom to help us through this difficult time.

Julie.


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## Belbs (Aug 3, 2009)

Julie, I am so sorry that you are going through that pain at the moment.    

I have been there and I know it is raw and painful. I don't have any words of wisdom but I can honestly tell tell you that your family and friends who know will be a great support. I texted my family and friends first so that they knew and then phoned my parents later the same day. And if one can't cry infront of one's parents, who can one cry infront of. They will only be too pleased to support you during this hard time. My friend's were then there when I needed them.

I also really believed it had worked my first time and was totally shocked and devastated. Don't blame yourselves, you have done everything you can. It really does seem to be down to luck. Hopefully, it will be your time soon. 

I hope you manage to feel a bit better over the coming weeks.  

Belbs xxx


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## kay-j (Oct 6, 2008)

Hi Julie, 


Sorry to hear about you're BFN.   
I got my BFN on sat, that was my 1st time of ICSI 2. I'm still finding it hard today  
I didn't feel like i could cry when anyone was about, even my DH. 
Not sure how you're hubby been, But mine been ok not really talking about it etc. Not sure if its a man  thing or just my hubby?!?!

It was a bit of a bad day, as i feel out with my mum that day to.  
Hope u feel a little better in a few days.  

kay-j xxx


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## jujugaboo (Aug 6, 2009)

Thanks for your support.  Sorry to hear about your BFN.

It is hard but I find everyday gets a bit better.  My partner has been great we talked about it on the day but he hasn't really mentioned it since then, i think he finds it hard to talk about his emotions but he has a strong feeling that its going to work next time, fingers crossed.

Sorry you had a fall out with your Mum, probably at the time when you need her most.  

I keep thinking about the things I shouldn't have done (like picking up my fat cat and falling out with a friends sister) and would that made it better.  When it was put back in after 3 days it had only reached four cells when it should have been 8, so perhaps this wasn't a good sign.

Keep your chin up, there are people in worse positions then us and one day it will happen.


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## Lavendarlady (Jun 7, 2009)

Hi ladies

So sorry to hear about your BFN's.  It's very difficult to come to terms with and the pain is very raw.  Its very important to allow yourselves time to grieve for your loss and not pretend that you're ok.  

The first time I went through tx I was convinced it had worked as I had sailed through the whole thing - I was devastated when it didn't.  But you do manage to pick yourselves up and carry on.

As for worrying about things you shouldn't have done - gosh if you knew the neurotic things I ask the consultants each time we go for a follow up appointment.

The first time I even asked if I could have lost them by sneezing or coughing!  I have asked other such questions since then and they've always reassured me that I've done everything right.

Thinking of you x


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

Hey ladies,

So sorry to hear about your bfns    .  I really wish it had worked out for you all this time.

Take care of yourselves, it is a difficult time.  

My thoughts are with you all, and I really hope that you have better luck the next time you go through treatment. 

xx


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## skidders (Aug 3, 2009)

Julie, Kay J

There with you both two so sending you both huge    

Our first ICSI attempt ended with a BFN last Wedenesday, and I have spent the last week trying to "bounce back" - organising holidays, meeting up with friends, throwing myself back into work etc.....1 week on, having found that my coping mechanisms are virtually nil, and having behaved very oddly in both work and personal circumstances, I've now had to come to terms with the fact that it's just not going to happen and that I've got to give myself a bit more time to get over it.  

I guess that the 1st attempt is so exciting, particularly if you've been ttc and on IVF waiting lists for so long that you can't help but be hugely optimistic - it's a real blow when it all ends so abruptly after such a long build up, and you also don't know what to expect in terms of the "aftermath". 

So my advice is to take things one day at a time - some of your feelings might take a few days, even weeks, to come through - don't make the same mistake I did, and find yourself taking it out on some poor unsuspecting colleague because you're trying to soldier on and struggling to do so!  

I found a fantastic post on this site at the start of it all that I use to keep me grounded - I'll dig it out and re-post it here - unfortunately I didn't make a note of the person who wrote it.....watch this space....

Take care both of you 

Aly


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## skidders (Aug 3, 2009)

Found it!  - and found the person who wrote it - thanks Dee!  (Odriscde1) - - yes it's very upbeat for where you might be right now, but I found it v helpful to come back to after a few days, and it helped me with putting things in perspective - it also helps you feel positive about the next steps - as one of my nurses said (somewhat un-diplomatically) it would have been a miracle to have fallen pregnant on my first cycle - chances are that cycle 2 or 3 are where it's at! 

***************

Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 75% of women in my age group (37) are unsuccessful at IVF. 

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 25% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 75% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices?

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down?
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover?
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them?
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms.

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby.

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers.  How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle?

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army.  Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 2!!!!!


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## motty (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi

I too got bfn on Wednesday, this was my first icsi.  Started spotting monday, so came home from work, but it got worse on Tues eve, so knew deep down what result I would get when I tested.  Was,
and still am, completely devastated.  Was positive it had worked, I did everything I should have done... the heaviest thing I lifted was a kettle !

We had an impromptu "works do" on wed evening, so lots of alcohol (and luckily laughter), which did us good, as dh and I were going to go out for a meal on our own... I think we could have got quite morbid if that had happened! So thursday, recovering from hangover, and Friday, really had to get my head round work as I'd been off for the best part of 2 1/2 weeks.  Have now started to dwell on it, although trying not too, and dh and I not really talked about it since wed morning either, so Kay J and julie no, it's not just your hubby!

Aly, that post that you put on, how profound?

Sorry that I have no words of wisdom, but I am glad that I found you guys, and I'm sure that we WILL get over this, somehow

take care of yourselves and have a good weekend xxxx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello ladies,

I'm Dee who wrote the above post, (felt very touched when I saw it here).

I've just had my 2nd unsuccessful attempt and had to try to heed my own words in the sad aftermath.   

Along similar lines, I've tried to pen a few words, (a little similar to my previous post), but thought it might suit this thread.

Massive hugs to everyone,

Dee
xx
***********************************************************************************************

Every post I read, I can connect with the pain and the frustration and the highs and lows.  I knew IVF would be difficult, but never thought that it would be THIS hard,.  A wise man once said, 'What does not kill us will make us stronger.”

My brain is so full of IVF, babies, treatment, sniffing, treatment, frosties, FF and similar things that I feel that I am kind of out of kilter with the rest of the world.  One of the many reasons that I love FF, I always feel so normal on here.

As hard as this journey is, I sometimes think, 'what's the alternative'?
Do we not take the chance or achieving our dreams and just sit back and do nothing?
I don't think any of us could do that.
The biggest chances we take will hopefully pay off and we will all eventually achieve our heart's desire.

No one seems to understand the statistics and that there is such a low success rate.  The time and energy that we all invest in tests, sniffing, injecting, testing, and waiting and waiting and waiting.  I often joke that if 'patience' was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medal winner.

There is the underlying belief that we go to the clinic, they take the eggs, they mix them up with the sperm and then 2 weeks later we're all pregnant!!!  I suppose, I had this vague notion myself before I found myself in the situation of having to understand the process!!

I have, on occasion, spend a little time giving a very vague breakdown of what the process involves, when questioned and it fascinates me that the very same person will ask me the exact same question the next time I see them.

Unfortunately, and I don't mean this in a horrible way, the only people we can rely on are our husbands, (where would we be without them?) and the lovely ladies here on FF.  Unless you are going through it, it is impossible to understand, which is why I love logging on here and feeling 'normal'.

Having now suffered the pain of 2 BFNs, I feel there seems to be pressure on us to get over negative results very quickly?  If you had a broken romance or were made redundant from your job had any kind of family crisis, no one would expect you to get over it so quickly.  Because infertility is not openly recognised as the stressful, difficult road that everyone here at FF knows it is, we really don't know how to cope.  There are so few songs about infertility, there must be 1000's about heart break and in a way, the whole world knows how to deal with someone who has been through something that they can relate to.

We invest so much time and energy in this process, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I look back at what I have had to do to get to this point.  I had to lose weight, (difficult thing to do), give up smoking, (very difficult thing to do), give up drinking, (except for a few lapses). It's taken us almost 4 years to get to the point and we still have nothing to show for it!!!

We pump ourselves full of drugs and hormones and while slowly withdrawing from our normal social lives, we actually allow ourselves to believe that we might get the babies that we all so desire. 

BFNs and chemical pg's are such a huge loss to us.  We all know that we cannot just 'try again' in a month or two because there is a rough, hard process to the the finish line.

Be kind to yourselves and talk, talk, talk about your loss.  There must be a grieving process, which everyone need to go through.

Here at FF, we have all lost something..........our innocence? our belief in a fair world? our dreams?

I feel the pain of every woman on here and wish you all luck and babydust.

I've goggled statistics and tried to make sense of success rates.  I've read every post on FF, trying to find people who I think look like they have a worse case than me and love all the success stories and you know what, I think what's meant to be is meant to be.

Success rates, grading of embryos, analysing every twinge and ache.  All I know is that without modern science and the wonder of IVF, my chances are 0% and much as I sometimes feel sad/angry that my life has been touched by infertility, I have to rejoice in the fact that I have the opportunity to do this.

I'm bruised, but not broken and when I feel up to the challenge again, I'll go back for my frosties.

Without hope we have nothing, even a glimmer will sustain us and give us the strength to carry on.

Love Dee
xx


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## kay-j (Oct 6, 2008)

thanks everyone, 

well one week on and still very up and down, due 2 go back to the ozi in oct, so will  see what they will say.

hubby still not talking much, just says we cant change anything. 

hope you're all well. 

kay-j xxx


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## skidders (Aug 3, 2009)

Dee - so sorry to hear about your 2nd BFN    .  

I completely agree with what you've written - the while thing is so overwhelming - but sometimes you are so bogged down in the process that you lose your sense of perspective.....I have an aunt and uncle in law who have never been able to have children - this was back in the 70s when it still wasn't the done thing to talk to ANYBODY about fertility problems, and IVF was a dim and distant future....I can't imagine how it must have felt for her to go through the same emotions as us, but feel utterly helpless and alone in being able to do anything about it......at least IVF and the emotional support from FF gives us a very real hope that it might work out in the end....and even though that hope gets a battering each time we get a BFN, it still keeps us going. 

Kay-J - hang in there hun - I think the lack of talking may be just a boy thing - I don't mean to sound flippant, but I find that my dh is much better at talking these things through with me when he's got a couple of glasses of wine in him  .  Hope life is treating you well .  

Aly
XX


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## jujugaboo (Aug 6, 2009)

I am sorry Dee to hear about your second BFN.  Life just seems so unfair sometimes.

Your words are fantastic and a real pick me up.

All we can do is pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and ready to start all over again.  We should be blessed with things we have around us and think positive that one day it will happen for us all.  My Mum says that god only throws us things he knows we can handle, not that we are religious but I think I am a strong person and I can handle this pain and upset and I will get through it.

I fear that second time round will be more stressful but I will continue to be positive and up beat because that's just me.

I wish you all luck in the future.


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## nilu (Oct 7, 2009)

Hi Juju ! I am in the same boat as you. my first icsi cycle happned in sept and I got a bfp on 30th sept then a day later my 2 embies went away. I am so hurt but need to get back to normal. I am going back to work on monday and they all think I had a cyst removed. At home everyone is devastated with my miscarriage. I thought ivf and icsi always work.lets not give up. when I am with people I am fine and really makes the effort to be normal. The moment I am alone, I burst into tears. Its so hard to explain to anyone. Not even my mom seem to understand what its like to go through all those medicines, side effects and now its all nothing. deep down I want to try soon as pos. I wish life was easier than this


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

nilu, so sorry to hear about your loss      thinking of you, mind yourself xox


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## nilu (Oct 7, 2009)

Hi eib...

many hugs back to you for that post. you cheered me up a bit. I was on the way home and saw this lady shouting at her 2 kids. one was about a year old second about 5months. she was so angry with them for whatever reason and her words were full of abuse. Everyone on the bus was looking at her and people were shocked at what she was saying to these kids. I thought to myself `there are mothers like us who goes through so much pain to get a child in their arms, then there are others who got babies just because it happned. They dont seem to appreciate these little miracles they have.
thanks for your post. I have my consultation with the doc this week. Not sure what she has to say.thinking that I could have had twins really kills my feelings. But what to do now eibhlin.


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

nilu,

 It's so rough, isn't it.  I agree that it is so awful and sad seeing people be like that with their children and it does seem as though some people cake-walk through life while others of us struggle.  Sometimes I remember back to those days before this and really wish I could be that carefree girl who used to get herself into an awful old state about the most minor of things!  

Best of luck with your consultation, it is tough not knowing what they're going to say.  We had ours about two months ago and already it seems like a year ago, time goes strange during this treatment stuff!  The clinic were quite positive but we were actually quite prickly with them which surprised us as we had only been sad beforehand.  I think we were prob in shock and nervous about what they would say.  A piece of good advice someone here gave me (which we didn't take at the time!) was to have all your questions written down as I've ended up having to go back in to ask questions that I forgot at the time.  The fact that you did have a bfp is a very good sign, even though sadly it didn't last.  I'll be thinking of you, let me know how you get on.

xox


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## Gilo (Sep 24, 2009)

Hi Ladies 

I got my BFN on Thursday after first ICIS cycle - only now i actually have the courage to post on here again. Pain is soo raw.   Big hugs to all of you going through this at the moment . Hoping to book follow up appointment for next week for next step - got 4 frosties so hoping to go down FET

What is everyone's next steps?


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

Hey Gilo,

 I'm really sorry for your loss, make sure and mind yourself and DH, it's so rough    

It's great that you have some frosties and I have my fingers and toes crossed for your FET.

Mind yourself hun

xox


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