# Not telling partner about Egg donation (in Czech Republic).. can I pull it off?



## sharon123 (Apr 6, 2016)

Hi everyone

In short my question is – is it possible not telling the world (including the friend who will be the sperm donor) that I will use an Egg donation?

In detail:
Single,  45, never IVF’ed before, chose a Czech Republic clinic, 
just filled in the egg donation questionnaire and waiting for the coordinator to get back to me about donation options.

It took me a while to get over the sadness and frustration of having to use DE and not OE. I am at peace with it finally.

The sperm donor is a friend, not a close friend though. We present ourselves as a couple for bureaucracy's sake.
Nice guy who wants to have an off-spring.
We already made agreement about financials and arrangements. (For example, He would be a weekend dad . some kind of a close uncle)
He is not involved at all in the process. 
I am doing all the communication with the clinic at the Czech Republic, he sends me blood tests results -  and I send it to the clinic. 
For example – when i got the donor questionnaire (where you fill in wanted eye color . height etc) – 
I printed, filled it myself, came by to his house and he just signed, he didn’t even look at what he is signing.

I don’t want him to know about the donated egg.
I guess I don’t want him to know because it is a way of a protection for me.
To put it very stupidly – I don’t want him to feel that biologically the child is more his than mine. 
Or perhaps it is me that don’t want to feel this way – it doesn’t matter, I made up my mind not tell him about this, if possible.

Is that possible?
I never done IVF before and not sure what exactly the process is.
I understood that basically I will have to be there about a week before the egg collection from the donor.
And that he will have to give his sperm on the day of collection.
(p.s - he told me he prefers to stay at the Czech Republic as little as possible, so for him it is perfect to come and go)

My question is – from your own experience – could it just be that he comes in, give the sperm and goes away?
Or it there an official consultation with the doctor in person where he explains to us both about the egg donation and such.

Please please don’t judge me, I have given this a lot of thought, I know there is a morality issue at hand here,
So I am not looking for Input about that.

I need advice from your own personal experience with your partner –
In other words -  if you wouldn’t want to tell your partner you are using DE – would you be able to pull it off??


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Hi
There is a specific section on here for those who will not be telling about de. 
The only potential issue might be in regards to communication with the clinic which will highlight de instead of oe being used. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.


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## Bria350 (May 6, 2016)

You could keep it from friends and family, but not the sperm donor, (and I'm pretty sure you have to be a couple, they don't allow single women.)  My husband and I are doing treatment now and he has to sign a consent form saying it's okay to use donor eggs.


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## sharon123 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thanks Bria, i have been reading your posts for quite some time... 

About being single:We present ourselves as a couple, (there is no need to be officially married in order to get IVF at the Czech Republic),

Besides the consent form your husband signed - 
From your personal experience - 
was there a personal meeting with the doctor or consultant at the clinic that required your man to be there in  person?
(apart of giving sperm of course)


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

Hi  there is no need for him to be at any other appointments apart from when he does his donation, that's all that is needed from him, if he has signed everything and hasn't bothered to read it then you won't have any problems at all, as I said, all he needs to do is his part, if you need to go back for a fet or choose to go back for a sibling if you have any frosties, then he just needs to sign another form again


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## sharon123 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thank you Stacey


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## estella (Nov 1, 2009)

Good Luck Sharon, I can imagine that scenario and why you would have concerns. Would you consider a donor embryo or double donor in different countries as a single parent,  Might be less messy for you in the end than raising a child with your friend that you don't know so well? Hope you get your much longed for little one whatever you decide XX


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## sharon123 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thanks Estella, i am determined to give my child a father figure, a sense of belonging, that's why i dont go solo.
Plus, he is paying half of the treatment which if i am being rational - helps a lot!
i know the donor will be a great dad and he longs for a child so much.
Just that we dont have much in common besides wanting a child.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I know you don't want to hear it but yikes this has the potential to go horribly wrong for all of you, please think about the massive responsibility towards this child in all regards and the weight of carrying that burden with you forever


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## sharon123 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thank you Blondie, i do appreciate you took the time to give me an input.
i'm curios about your opinion that it could go horribly wrong for all of us...

Are you talking from personal experience, or experience of someone close to you?
If so - What went horribly wrong? (If you don't mind me asking)
Would be good to know.
thanks so much


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi Sharon
I totally empathise about your desire for a child and hope it works out. It is daunting going it alone but like blondie, and this is just my opinion, I think it has a potential to go wrong if you go with a known donor who is a friend. I hope it works out but it might be simpler to go it alone. I can see you want a father figure in your child's life but it can be a male friend or a relative who is not a biological father to the child. If the friendship sours (and I hope it won't) you could be looking at issues of custody as he would be biological father. As a donor egg recipient, you are recognised in UK as the legal birth mother so that is ok. There can be nothing worse than friction between parents for a child whether in a relationship or not. If you used donor sperm, you would be the sole parent and your child could have a relationship with your friend without complications. However, everything might work out anyway. I did double donation in the UK as a single mum so no complications with men! My son has male role models with my male cousins! Good luck with whatever you decide


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Well lying to a person that you're doing treatment with and will have input and responsibility for children with you is a bit different than not offering the truth to outsiders who it's not their business, it'll be a big monkey to carry around on your back is all i'm saying


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Something I can tell you on a personal level is my own boys have had a lot of problems and subsequently needed very invasive testing of genetics and DNA this involved alot of health professionals and information asking both about my history and their father (a donor) so that could potentially expose everything cause they may want you and the fathers DNA, do you not think he would be perfectly fine with the truth just in case a similar scenario crops up?


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Sorry Sharon my battery died right before I was going to say the best place to ask on here is the legal forum as I'm not sure where that would leave you legally with all this but I guess things to consider are a) he hasn't agreed to have a baby with an egg donor but only with you and therefore could gain full custody as their biological parent if he does find out b) can he sue you for it in the future? Those are the things you really need to find out your rights on prior to any decision x


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## Kitkat496 (Jun 14, 2013)

Right and wrong aside for a moment and just to answer the question: I think it would be very hard to hide this info as he needs to show his identification and sign the consent papers. In that process he will probably at least glance at the papers (in our case, the header even said something about egg donation) and or the clinic coordinator might even verbally repeat what the "package" is that you are buying. They are quite discrete so they might just hand you the papers but still.... there is a good chance that it won't just fly past him.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

He sounds a reasonable man surely he'd not have an issue with donor? . The hurt from deception if truth accidently came out might be unforgivable in his eyes.  You are planning on co-parenting the child so there's a lot of trust needed there.  I understand your reasoning  he may feel he has more "claim" on the child but he wouldn't - you are the mother because you give birth to the child and this is the law in the UK. 
I wish you all the best with your decision.
TCCx


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