# What do you say when people ask do you have children??



## ~Twinkle~ (Sep 27, 2004)

Dear Girls,

I hope you do not mind me posting here its just I don't feel at home in any other thread now we are hoping to go through the adoption route in October.

It's a bit of a rant really  I cant tell you how many times I have been asked do you have any children? do you want them? How old are you? you better get a move on Ahhhhhhhhhhhh people are so ignorant if only they knew hey!!!!

I'ts like today I had a new hairdresser come round to see how she would cut my hair and guess what interigation time, do you have children?  . I used to say when people asked me do you want them, 'when god gives me one' dont know why I said that. Should of told them about my IVF but I did'nt want everyone knowing my business.

I mean Im not ashamed I can't and nobody should be! I think once you say you can't conceive you are coming to terms with infertility.

Well I start a new job on Monday the question is bound to come up so Ive decided to say 'I cant have them' to save all the interigation etc.

Has anyone else experienced this as well and how have you coped with it in the past? its part of the infertility journey I suppose. 
When people ask you do you have children do you say I will soon as I'm going to adopt?

Thanks for listening.

Take care
Spirit x


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

god always being asked this one!!!!!

when asked i say "no yet, were are adopting" and feel very proud when doing so.  Very rarely have people been negative to me when i have told them - a few blokes are like "can you not have your own kids then?" i feel like saying "Doh! idiot!!!".

hold your head high you have nothing to feel embarressed about.  Tell people you are too posh to push, you dont to ruin your figure etc - that will teach them not to ask!!!


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## ~Twinkle~ (Sep 27, 2004)

Hi Alex sweety,

thanks for getting back to me,  I like the saying about I don't want to ruin my figure that's a great one hey, that would defo stop them mentioning my weight yep that's another one  I have people always mentioning my weight Im small and petite and frankly okay with my self that's been a challenge answering that comment, but that's life hey.

As from Monday its 'no I cant have them' and if I should get asked are you going to adopt well I will hold my head up high and say yes and I'm proud to give an unwanted child a loving home and looking forward to being a mum because that's all I ever wanted to be.

Wishing you lots of luck on your Journey and congrats with being approved hun. 
take care
Spirit x


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## Jet (Jun 10, 2003)

Hi Girls  
I so know what you mean, it seems like everytime you meet someone for the first time they allways ask do you have children? I was moaning about this to a friend last week and I explained that it is hard to know what to say and as you say if it is a friend then maybe I can explain but if someone I have just met I feel my heart sink and sometimes find myself snapping NO... then they look at you not sure what to say next, I do not mean to snap but after 11 years I am so fed up with it. I wish we did not have to go through this heartache.
I think I will begin to take a leaf out of your book and say that I can not have children   
Wishing you lots of luck with your new job spirit,  
Jet


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Hi Spirit,

I totally understand how you are feeling - it really is the most horrendous question you can be asked.  I always found my response was dependent on my mood on that particular day so god help someone if they asked me on a bad day!  Serves them right for being so insensitive though is what I used to say if someone got a mouthful!

Anyway I have to say when going through tx I found it alot harder to answer that question than I did since going down the adoption road.  As Alex said, since we started adoption, I really do hold my head up high and tell people with a real sense of pride that we are going to adopt a baby to complete our family.  It really does make you feel so very proud.

Good luck with your new job and fending off those awkward questions and good luck with your adoption.

Lots of love
Lauren xxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Girls

If I am totally honest I can't remember what I used to say, it seems a lifetime ago. Like Alex and Lauren I was very proud once going down this route to say I was adopting.

Here's a link to a thread from the Girl and Boy area about what some people have said...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,63720.0.html

Good luck in your new job. I am sure you will find a way of beating off the interrogation.

Karen x


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## Young D (Oct 17, 2005)

Hey.

I'm one of those tell everyone my life story types   anyone asks and they get the whole "my dh's sperm can't swim so its IVF or adoption for us" (of course now we're pg but before I mean)  I have to say I've never had a nasty comment or anything remotely negative happen as a result.  I think people in general become embarrassed that they've put you in that position, or they are interested and want to know more about IVF or adoption.

Only today I was at my mums and the BT engineer was there installing a line for her, he noticed the bump and was asking all about my pg, I mentioned it was IVF and he went on to tell me his wife was on clomid and they almost had to go for IVF but fell pg just before it.  He then went on to tell me his brother had to adopt as they couldn't conceive.  So I actually quite like these types of responses cos you realise actually millions of people are in the same boat as you!

So I say go for the honesty approach, i can't foresee any negativity in doing so.

Good Luck with your new job.

Donna


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Spirit

I'm like Donna, I used to say "been trying 8 years, things haven't worked but they can't say why, now going for adoption".  Some would ask for more details and some wouldn't.  My friends got all the gory details but that's what friends are for.  

I'm afraid the questions won't stop when you start the adoption process, especially after you've been approved.  You'll get things like "So when do you get your baby?  Will you get a baby?  Do you meet the parents?".  People don't always understand that's it's not as simple as going to a supermarket and picking up a poor, uncared for baby.

Just be as honest as you want or if you don't want to discuss it, just say No when asked if you've got children.

Good luck with the new job.

Cindy


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## ~Twinkle~ (Sep 27, 2004)

Ahhhhhh thanks girls ,

I'm now fully equiped for that big question .anyone stands in my way well 

congratulations to all the mums that have adopted and any one going through adoption good luck with your journey.

Donna, congratulations on your pregnancy bless you, its good that you were proud enough to say you were having an IVF baby and you should be after everything you have been through. It is suprising when you start mentioning IVF how many people actually know someone who has had it or is going through it 

butterfly hugs
Spirit x


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Before we decided to adopt whenever we were asked 'do you have children or do you want them' I would always say 'oh yes we do want them, but the house takes up all our time and money at the moment...'

However since making the decision to adopt we are so at peace with the whole thing and feel very proud to say this is what we are intending on doing.

Love the response about being too posh to push - must try that one!!

T x


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

Probably totally out of sequence but have been reading this thread now and again   and feel I have to add 

We had a very sad situation 2 years ago in the Xmas period when one of our beloved "babies" fell terribly ill (Furbabies)
To the people that didn't "know" our babies, they presumed we had "real babies"   When asked at a New Years eve party-how our Xmas holidays had been, we told them we had lost one of our babies, the reaction was totally outstanding until we told them that he was one of our cats-dropped jaws, no one could believe that we loved them so much to call them our babies-they truly are-couldn't live without them-but what ignorant people there are out there

Larkles
xx


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