# Early stages - telling people!



## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hello all , i just wanted to say i am at the very early stages (going for office interview next wednesday   ) in adoption and i know in my heart of hearts this feels so right. 
I have had one failed attempt at ivf and had my falliopian tubes removed and then finding out i had endometrosis. Me and my partner decided to take the adoption route .

But my question is in the early stages did anyone tell their friends/work collegues about what they were going to do, or did you keep it to yourselves. Me and my partner have only told very close family , any body else been in this situation.

p.s this site is really helping , so thanks guys xxx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi! 

We're at the end of our journey and now I wish I hadn't told as many people at the start. We've been going for 19 months so far (panel in 3 weeks) so could have a few more months to go. I got so carried away and wanted to share with everyone as if I was pregnant. But as soon as you tell other people you're adopting, they will feel like they 'own' a piece of you and will share their opinions of adoption, or tell you about their friend who adopted a small baby, or the friend who had a terrible match which fell a part....

I would say, until you have something to tell them other than, we're planning to adoption, you only tell parents and siblings. Anything more and you'll just be fending off questions for the next few months.

Good luck and welcome to planet adoption.

xxx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Hello claudia.
I told work some colleagues when we were accepted for the prep course.  I told them so early because of the nature of my work so I knew I was going to need their support early on.  My advice would be do what feels right for you which may sound a bit obvious, but some people feel they want to include work early on, others don't. I told my close friends from the beginning because they went through our infertility journey with me and a few were my complete rocks and have continued to be that throughout so I've been very lucky.
Not sure if that helps! Good luck with your journey


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Claudia, I told immediate family and one work colleague who I shared an office with once we'd had the initial meeting and were going on the prep course.  I kind of told people as I needed to for a while, the people who were to be approached for references who were our friends of course, then when I was going to the meetings with SS I told work colleagues when they asked why I wasn't there.  When we were approved we announced to everyone what we were doing.  Of course everyone then asks questions you can't answer and no matter how much we said we didn't know who or when, no one really listens, which can be tough.  Family need preparing though, and getting on board with your prospective child's potential for needing quite different parenting.  We have had issues further down the line with family, and it's hard.  They love our daughter very much, as much I'm sure as if she was our biological child, for which I'm very grateful, but they don't always seem able to put her needs above their own needs in terms of their relationship with their grandchildren.

Good luck,

Wyxie xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I'm naturally careful about what I say to whom, a lot of self preservation going on, as with many of us who've been through the infertility wringer, so we were much less open. We told immediate family at first, friends as and when, and only told colleagues after we'd been approved. 

Many years ago a colleague was pregnant - not showing much - and I asked when baby was due. Turned out she was 7 months. I was surprised she'd kept it so quiet but she said it felt like you were pregnant 'forever' if you told everyone immediately. I know just what she meant - 9 months is a loooong time, and adoption is usually twice that or more. People constantly asking gets pretty exhausting. Post approval it took 4 months to be matched and the constant 'any news' wore me down. 

So I'd say do what feels right, but telling folks too early my end up doing your head in when they offer you advice, opinions, or even speak negatively. I had one colleague who clearly didn't want me to have my 'happy ending' as she didn't have hers, and she would speak as if it wouldn't happen for me. Up until then I *thought* she was a friend, but once I told her about our plans to adopt she kept insinuating I'd never get matched and to book next year's summer holiday as I would still be at work and not a mum. I know it was because she was, strangely, jealous (its not as if I was pregnant!) but it really upset me at times when I was desperately waiting for news and starting to fear it would never happen. When we were matched her face fell!! She covered it with a hug but not before a few seconds awkwardness.  It's weird because my friend who also adopted had a similar thing happen.

Anyway I'm mumbling....but I'd say tell immediate family and special people who will be excited for you. Don't let anyone steal your joy because this is THE most wonderful and exciting journey you are embarking on so treasure it and guard it and share it with precious people only until you're really ready.

X


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks for the advise! 
I think its because when i went through my first round of ivf we told so many people as it was such an exciting time for us. Dont get me wrong the girls at work were great but there was a lot of constant questioning and even some giving me examples of their friends doing ivf and it failing . When ivf didnt work i had to explain to them then that it didnt work, and having to face loads more questioning at such a difficult time . 

So when me and partner decided to go down the path of adoption we wanted to keep it close to our chest and tell them when the time is right.


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Sorry i didnt reply individually but i can completley agree  Mummy Elf with work friends. When going through ivf all i heard about was well my friend tried ivf and that failed and my other friend had four attempts and that failed. It made me realise that they werent as positive as i would of liked them to be. So i had to be strong and remain optimistic.

I know this feels right keeping this close our chests , and you have to do whats right x


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

It's also lovely to have your moment when you get approved to share it with the world. It is such a exciting happy time when you get approved and its nice to be able to say you are going to be parents. I was overwhelmed by the amount of congratulations etc we got and it made it all the more special. Still had a zillion questions about who and when but I am in such a bubble of happiness it does not matter - am sure it will wear off soon!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Jess75 said:


> It's also lovely to have your moment when you get approved to share it with the world. It is such a exciting happy time when you get approved and its nice to be able to say you are going to be parents. I was overwhelmed by the amount of congratulations etc we got and it made it all the more special. Still had a zillion questions about who and when but I am in such a bubble of happiness it does not matter - am sure it will wear off soon!


I hope it doesn't Jess! And even if it does and you have a little wait to find your LO, when you do, those same people will put the bunting out for you! We were overwhelmed by the kindness of others when we were matched with our little pixie. You see people's true colours when you adopt and what I've found is that those I expected to be great weren't (family excluded as my family are amazing) and those I expected to not care etc really surprised me - gifts landing on the doorstep, literally, from kind neighbours. It's a wonderful time! People are much, much more supportive then you think the will be! X


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

i agree with you MummyElf those that you think are going to be supportive do the complete opposite. I found it more so when i was doing ivf and the attitudes i got towards it , then when it failed i got the face as if to say i told you so.


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## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

We told everyone as we were so excited but wished we hadnt as we always get the hows it going. People asume when u go to panel u come home with a child. I would tell your manager at work as really they should know for when you need time off. Its emotionaly draining and there will be times you dont want to go in work so if your manager knows they can support you to ease that preasure. For me as i work for the goverment i have been lucky to get special leave for my visits so i would ask if your place of work does this. I argued the point pregnant woman need drs appointments and can have special leave. We have to have home visits .good luck with your journey x


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

I have to say we have told people right from the very beginning (when we made our initail call back in February!!) and some more as we have moved on - we've got panel in November but nobody is asking me anything because I've told them that it will be a while and we wont be approved until next year.

I understand why some of you have not told anyone but for us it felt right to let everyone know! I'm sure we will get to the stage of getting annoyed with everyone asking questions but so far we've been lucky! 

I suppose it is just down to the people you tell, if you tell every tom dick and harry then yes they will ask but if your a bit more selective but still tell people then it's different - well it has been for us


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

We told everyone right from start. I havn't really minded people talking about it. I just explained to people at start that its a long process and would take some time.


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

I still havent told anyone, and somedays it is hard when you want to share some exciting news but all in good time i suppose and plus i can talk about it on here as many times as i like x


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

We didn't tell anyone until after we were approved and then only close family and my boss, due to taking time off work for appointments etc. they were great, but you do find real friends during this process.  I was glad we only told close family and my boss until after we got ratification on matching.  This did save a few heart aches from a match that fell through  but also the support to get over it.


My advice would be tell people when you are ready    good luck sweetie x


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks Macgyver,. My work dosnt know yet what me and my partner are doing but neither does any close friends lol i just want to be approved hopefully and then tell them and see the looks on their faces . 

Its so good to get advice from here , thanks guys and girlsx


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hey, well today at work i thought i was going to let it slip. The story with work is that i work full time but since we have gone quiet , bosses said i could drop a day or afternoon. I thought i wouldn't want to drop a day but an afternoon would be fine, plus when our adoption process starts i have afternoons free. So the last two weeks i have begun to have wed afternoons off. 
But this week i cant have an afternoon off cause of being short staffed. I explained to my boss im not quite as bothered if its a one off. So she said she understood. But i felt i had to explain myself and say my partner is a postman and the only time he gets available is afternoons which suits me too.

But i told her its because of appointments and that we are planning to do something and are not willing to share until the time is right . My boss started being nice and offering support and saying whenever you want to chat or talk the office is always open. 

Its nice for her to be like that but at the other end i feel like i am getting pulled in any direction. 

Has anybody else had similar situations with their employer x


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

I've only told close family so far. Personally I don't want people to know until the approval stage but I know I can't avoid telling my employer because the reference request will probably be going out after prep. It's not that my work will cause me issues, it's just a gossip factory and my lm, as lovely as he is cannot keep a secret. As I need to have someone in the loop (for ref & to get special leave authorised) I've decided to tell a female who is my lm's lm and make it clear I want all correspondence to go through her and that I don't want anyone else to know. At least then I know I don't need to worry and lie about the time off that I will need.


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

ahhh thats good then at least you have someone you can trust. I will tell me bosses but all in good time. I know sometimes they do try their best but in other situations they havent been as this supportive.

Its hard keeping quiet but all the same it is exciting too, plus my partner willl be ringing the social worker for an appointment to come round


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