# Starting IVF tomorrow and very teary about the whole thing



## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Hello! I've just joined this morning, as I'm having a bit of a meltdown and thought that "meeting" some like-minded people with similar experiences may take some of the edge off of the trauma!

I start fertility treatment tomorrow (down-regulating injections), and I am absolutely terrified.  I am very blessed, as I have been referred for fully paid treatment by the NHS, and I am very grateful to them.  Because of my age (37), they have decided not to use any hormone support to help me conceive; rather we're going straight for the IVF option, especially as many PCTs are cutting funding. I have my first scan next week to make sure that everything is going to plan.  They're also going to weigh me to make sure that I've got a BMI of under 30, otherwise I'd have to pay for treatment myself - I doubt my BMI is over 25 at the moment, so at least that's one thing I definitely don't need to worry about!

I am scared and feel very alone.  My husband is being brilliantly supportive and has even told me not to go ahead with it if I don't want to; but I know how much he wants to be a father, and we didn't buy a four-bedroomed house in a village with an OFSTED "outstanding" primary school to just be two of us.  I know it's a small price to pay for a family life; however I cannot help but feel somehow humiliated as I've not managed to conceive naturally.  Technically, there is no reason why we haven't been able to conceive, as my husband's swimmers are excellent and I have no health issues and plenty of viable ova.  I'm guessing it's a combination of the fact that I have a bend in my cervix (I am very short-bodied, so there are a lot organs crammed into a very small space!), and a gynae operation I had just after we got married nearly six years ago to remove two large cysts from my pelvis (which left me in agony and unable to face TTC for a long time). Long story short: I am completely blaming myself, even though rationally I know that it is a faultless thing.  It just does seem to be my issue rather than his, and that's been a huge emotional blow, as I'm not the one who is overweight and eats unhealthy foods.  I'm not saying my body's a temple (except perhaps to Dionysus!), but I do take good care of myself and this feels incredibly unfair.  It's also the fact that we can't share the medical treatment and it's only going to be me facing the pain and then having to have a minor operation to retrieve the eggs, while all he has to do is have a nice wank... I currently really wish that I was male!

I can't tell my mum that we're going down this route, as she'll only interfere and spout a load of nonsense, and I don't really have any friends I can talk to about this either.  All of my friends either already have their families, or they're firmly in the two-person family camp (with dogs doted on like babies instead).  It's making me feel terribly isolated.  I'm a very gregarious and outgoing person, so this is a very new feeling and I really don't like it!

Anyway, enough of my introductory ramblings... I'll look forward to finding out more about you all in the coming weeks!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

welcome and good luck!  
perfectly normal to feel meltdowny at facing ivf

remember
It's not just you. there are millions of us out here... *waves arms wide towards internet* 
you will feel worse before you feel better - the drugs will send you forwards backwards and sideways emotionally. But it's ok. you just ride through a day at a time.

really it doesn't matter what the cause is so blaming yourself (or anything else) is a waste of precious energy.start channelling it into learning relaxation techniques to get you through. Try you tube for some meditation videos.

it's really ok. i had three IVF/ICSi cycles and if i can do it you can. I had my share of meltdowns including a panic attack when i was supposed to be doing my first 'trigger' injection, DH had to work hard to calm me down enough to get it done. 
do some stuff to make it all manageable and ordinary. treat yourself. buy a big fluffy blankey, some puzzle books and dvd box sets, and some gummy bears (or whatever you like) for after the injections. Get your DH clued up to get all the injections ready for you and pack things away afterwards. it helps to have someone else there and means you can spend less time thinking about it. 

the down reg will make you feel miserable but then the stim drugs pick you back up again. It will all be over in a matter of weeks and you'll look back and wonder why you worried so much. Good luck.


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## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Hello! Reading your post echoed some of my thoughts last year- i think having no diagnosed reason is really hard why things dont work ttc and you find yourself over analysing everything. The truth is there is probably norhing "wrong" with us and the thousands of other couples- just some minor hormone imbalance or chemical reaction that doctors havent researched yet. It is really good that your results are fine too. Unfair is the right word- but dont dwell on it- from experience its better to let go of those feelings.

Just remember that tomorrow is the first day of a new journey. Face it with positivity. I also recommwnd some meditation for ivf..it does help calm you down. Circle and Bloom does an ivf one which goes theough the diff stages and inckudes specific ones for trigger, collection and transfer. My DH did the injections daily to feel more of an "us" doing it togther and we still did massages etc. We went on holiday during DR'ing and this was best.it meant we were relaxed going into stimming. If you can sneak a cheeky weekend away its an excellent idea. 

Ladies on here have been lovely and understand so much more. Join your ivf cycle group - its really supportive having a bunh who are stimming and testing alongside you.

I didnt find DR too bad. I expected crazy hormones, but never got it..just very tired. Take it easy on yourself and do share it as a couple- it does affect them too "not being virile enough to get us pg naturally" so keep talking and close all the way through- it does help.
Wish you good luck xx


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## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Thank you so much, both of you.  It's very reassuring to know that there are people out there who understand what is going on - I'm not sure I do, as yet, so I think that's why I'm finding it so daunting!  

Unfortunately my husband's just found out he's going to have to work late and won't be home until about 10.30pm, then will have to leave for work at about 6am and won't be contactable until lunchtime, which is going to make my first day a bit of a lonely affair!  Fortunately, I'm used to syringing meds into animals, so of all the things to worry about, the needles are quite low on the list for me.  I'm just nervous about the side-effects.

Thank you for suggesting meditation... I can see how that would be of benefit and will plan to incorporate it in my daily routine.  I might add in yoga and breathing exercises too, as they're also good for focusing the mind.  We're trying to plan lots of fun things to do on the weekends, as I think playing league hockey is going to be out of the question from now on! Did you get tired in the DR phase from the first day, or only after several days?  I have no idea what to expect!

Thanks again for your support.  It's very much appreciated.


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## Blondieblue81 (Jan 16, 2015)

Hi there
When I read your post I could relate to so much, I started ivf for the first time 6 days ago and I'm all over the place , my partner and I have been trying for 2 years and there is nothing found to be wrong with either of us, all of my friends are either pregnant or have kids and I don't feel I have anyone to talk to, my boyfriend whilst very supportive just keeps saying each day down is getting you nearer but he cannot relate to how I feel inside my head, how just going through this process feels like I'm not normal, rubbish for not being able to give him a baby naturally and one of my friends has just fallen pregnant on her first try naturally when she came off the pill and although I know it's awful I can't bring myself to meet up for coffee at the moment, I'm happy for her but I can't bring myself to go through it all face to face, it just reminds me that I can't.

I feel spaced out, up and down emotionally, it's starting to really ache in my groin and around the injection sites and I'm nervous of the next stages , so please don't feel you are alone

I'm worrying sick that my first one won't work, in oxford we get one cycle funded and then you're on your own, I'm praying that we get some viable eggs to freeze as then further tries are £900 rather than £7000 to start all again

I do relate to you blaming yourself, I do exactly the same even though there is no actual evidence to support that feeling, and it eats me up.

Good luck on your journey, if love to hear back from you
Holly x


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

ms gnomer,

Your name is similar to mine. Hope you don't mind the reply as I am in limbo land right now. I just wanted to say I was told to go easy whilst down regging. Also it does get easier and at least once you start ivf you feel like you're in the driving seat again.

Good luck to you and the others on this thread


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## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Thanks missowen! 

Blondieblue, I see that we're also on the same cycle buddies thread, so at least we both "know" someone there already!  Everyone's seemed really helpful and supportive, so it's helped put my mind at least.  I had to really psyche myself up to do my injection today and it's been very sore since - probably because I was overly tense!  It didn't help that the husband was merrily snoring away after a very hard week at work.  Normally I'd be fine with him sleeping in, and me getting on with numerous chores, but I feel like I've done his chores as well as mine today, when I'm already feeling a bit crappy.  I've actually loaded 170kg of wood pellets into the biomass boiler this morning, AND went to the tip with a full load in the trailer (hardcore, a bath, various bits of metal, etc).  I'm pretty sure that both of those jobs are supposed to be done by someone bigger than me!

The worst thing today is that my glute is really sore around the injection site and I have to play hockey this afternoon, despite having said that I can't, as too many of my team are unable to play this week... I will literally be the 11th player.  Usually I am pretty laid back about these things, but I've heard some of the flakiest excuses I've ever heard this week!  I'm captain, so I never feel like I can back out, but I'm going to have to say that this week is the last, as I don't want to get injured whilst going through this process.  I think I'm going to be worse than useless today, anyway, so hopefully they'll be happy to see the back of me!  

Ooof just read that back and it was a bit of an offload ... sorry!


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

I know what you mean Ms Gnomer and it's a mistake (that most women make) to assume your OH will empathise with what you're going through and want to adjust their behaviour and help. Best to keep them in the loop as they won't be if you don't


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