# Only me



## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

l am having such a bad time and all i seem to do is cry, last year one of my neighbours was causing some trouble over our neighbours extention,  there was a big arguement on the road and our neighbour came round to give us a card to say congratulations on us been pregnant at that time she told me what had happened and i said back was had she had a drink if so ignore her, ( sorry she drinks alot of wine and get pissy anyway we went to another neighbours wedding and they both was having a heated conversation and my name was mentioned alot and i just put my head in and said we are at a wedding and  everyone can hear you please keep it down have some respect, anyway l had lost our little one a few weeks earlier and felt uncomfortable, but that that moment l was getting blamed for everything and i was completely gobsmacked, i again told them to take it somewhere else and she shouts out its not my fault you carnt hold a child and turned and walked out, well i ran to the toilet and cried i was so angry so i went to look for her to ask why she was angry at me when i had not done anything, but she would not listen and said the other neighbour had told her that we had been telling her all these things that was news to me, and she wanted me to apologise, i said no i will not apologise for something l had not done at this point i turned and walked away and she was throwing insults at me again ( not very nice ones again ), 

Anyway the other neighbour came over the next day and i said that i will foegive and forget, could not be bothered and they had had a lot to drink, we have been round to there house a couple of times but everytime she is having ago at me for silly things and been really nasty, this weekend we poped round with a card and she started again and said that she was not happy i had not been round over christmas and she did not know how to contact us, i was shocked with M/C over christmas and been tiold that was no excuse, this was saturday night, in the week i received some flowers for easter from my mother in law and completely forgot to ring and say thankyou never done it before and guess what she gave me such a telling off, then my best friend is not happy and wont talk to me and i dont know why she wont tell me then to cap it of i went in the garden yesterday and all i could hear was there children laughing and having fun shout mommy and daddy, also the nasty look i got of the neighbour i did not feel comfortable in myu own garden and ran in and cried, also yesterdays television i got IVF then put on emmerdale and etopic then eastenders abandonded child, i did not know where to put myself yesterday, GOD io just feel like screaming, i spoke to my other best friend and she always makes me feel important and puts things in prospective, l said to her that i dont want to sell the house i feel like i am been pushed by people that seem to think that as i am low that they can just take it out on me, it really makes me feel like i have done something wrong when i havent, l feel so crap at the moment and feel l carnt even sit in my own garden unless l feel uncomfortable,

sorry ladies l needed to get this of my chest, SORRY

BELL


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Oh Bell 

So sorry you're feeling so bad, what a horrid time you've been having.  

Remember, these people are your neighbours, you can't choose them. You don't need to report back to them with your every move. They don't HAVE to be your best friends, you CAN choose who you are friends with.  

I must admit, most of our neighbours are ok but we only really say hi and keep an eye out for each other, we rarely even go inside each others houses. 

Personally, I'd keep your private stuff to yourself and not tell them anything, especially if you think they might chuck it back in your face later on.  Keep your private info to your proper best friends, these neighbours sound like right ol gossips to me and they certainly don't have your any thought for your feelings.  

No-one will understand what you've been through unless they've been there and to me, they don't sound very understanding atall.

I'm sorry they haven't been supportive, especially when you've felt so vulnerable.  I totally understand that you feel inundated with the TV at the moment, it seems sometimes that everything is out to get us.

Bell, I hope you're ok, you sound so down.  We're all here for you. 

Love to you, from all your FF pals.
Nix
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Bell honey, I'm so sorry everything seems to be conspiring against you right now  

I'm in agreement with Nix about choosing what you tell your neighbours. They aren't your friends, they simply live alongside you, and its up to you to decide how much you let them into your life. They don't sound particuarly nice people to be around to be honest! I would say cut your losses with them and leave them to it - you don't need them hon, especially when they are being so hurtful towards you. I don't understand why people are like this but I do believe some people get a kind of 'kick' out of it. Its not on hon, and as Nix says if they haven't been in your shoes they will never understand - it sounds like they have as much compassion as a tree stump between the lot of them to be honest! 

I'm really saddened to hear your Mother in Law was also off with you because you didn't thank her for the flowers she sent you - hope you are able to speak to her and explain how hard everything has been for you lately, is she the sort of person you could approach in this way hon?

As for your best friend - leave her to it hon, she will either get over it or tell you what is bugging her. And I'm in agreement about the telly - I got told about Emmerdale and how unrealistic it was for a portrayal of an ectopic pregnancy, these sorts of things can make our lives quite difficult afterwards for a while as other folk think unrealistic things *big sigh*!

I do things to protect myself as and when I can - I pretend to be asleep in the garden when the neighbours are about, I don't watch too much telly - heck I even go shopping when there aren't many families about - I'll be on my way to the local supermarket shortly! You owe yourself to be kind and thoughtful to you hon... look out for yourself at times like this, thats my motto, and don't put yourself through anything you think is going to cause you any more distress.

Sending you my love, and letting you know we understand where you're coming from Bell without judging you or without shoving our opinions in your face like your horrible neighbours. 

You take care sweetheart
Love,
Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dearest Bell,

I am very sorry to hear that things are so horrid for you around the neighbours.

I totally agree with Nix that you don't have to be friends with them. I am sure you know the saying "you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends." Maybe it is even more true for neighbours. While it is almost impossible to ignore the family, you can distance yourself from neighbours!  It sounds as though you do have a very good "other best friend" who makes you feel valued. These are the sort of people it is worth spending your time and energy with.

Having said it is almost imposssible to ignore the family brings me to your mother in law. I hope you can follow Emcee's suggestion that you say to her that you have been under a lot of stress and so forgot to thank her. I hope that the kindness in her gesture of sending flowers means she is good hearted towards you and is willing to put this behind you both. If you say you did appreciate the flowers and apologise for your oversight (without grovelling, there's no need to go overboard!) then if she is a good relative she should let that be the end of it. If not, then her inability to forgive and move on would be her problem, not yours, as you can't do more.

I think that everything we go through with IF can leave us feeling not only vulnerable, but also lacking feelings of self worth and self esteem. This is not helped by people who have a go at us.

Although I hate the adverts, try to believe in the phrase, "Because I'm worth it!" I can't help but feel that maybe you are undervaluing yourself - you started this post with the heading, "Only me," and I think you may have used that heading or similar before? (The server was too busy to let me check just now.) Honey, it's not just, "Only me." It's *Bell*, a valued member of this community, and *Bell*, who is valued by good people like your "other" (real?) best friend." So whenever you feel put down try to say, "I am not taking this!" Flick your hair and say, "Because I'm worth it!" (Maybe that could be the title of your next post?!!!)

You *are * worth more than being treated as a scapegoat for other people's drink problems and their petty disputes over extensions. I know you have so much more to offer than these people. I remember how you recently held out a hand of support to me, so I do know what I am talking about here!

A bit of self help on being assertive could come in useful, there are some good books on the subject. Maggie Mae may be able to recommend one as she knows a lot about this kind of thing. In case she does not see this thread, why not pm her to ask? Go on, you are worth it! Also you might find an assertiveness course at the local college. (Hate to sound like an old fashioned agony aunt, but going on a course might lead to finding new and bettter friends!)

Sweetheart, let us know how things go on for you.

Lots of love to you,

Jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bell, 

I'm checking in very quickly, but off the cuff I could suggest an excellent book called 'A Woman in your Own Right' by Anne Dickson. It'll cost around a fiver on amazon and is brilliantly practical on the whole being assertive not aggressive, boosting one's self esteem stuff. A classic. Or I can post you my copy and you can post it back to me.

Must go to bed, and won't be around till tomorrow pm, but let me know if you want other suggestions...

Love to you (and b***er the neighbours)

MM xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Well said MM! Knew you would have a good book to recommend!

Love to MM and Bell,

Jq xxx


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

thank you very much for your advise all taken on board, its so hard when your just getting though everyday one by one, well i have had my eyes opened last weekend and had a very big cry and kicked a few doors, l carnt be nasty to people and find that i listen to everyones problems and try and help but those same people just kick you when your down, well i took the bull by the horns and went round and asked for my keys back and some other stuff and said that l am not hear to have you tell me off for something i have not done and that i have more important things to take care of at the moment and walked away, was not nasty just diplamatic and i feel one hundred times better, i think that i let people in to easy and maybe i need to stand up for my self but in a nice way,

We have decided to move for the better and then i can get a new job meet new people and no one will no, l have my 8th driving lesson today and that seems to be getting better, will try and keep smiling,

Thank you again ladies what would i do without you ladies oh and mm my dh is going to get the book for me thankyou very much,

bell xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bell, 

Good for you!!!

I hope the book helps - it really helped me in my 20s to stop letting people walk all over me, without becoming someone I didn't like. 

Go girl!!!!

MM xxxxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi again Bell,

Sounds like you already started to be assertive! Great stuff, I am sure the book will be a great help - I remembered it too once MM named it.

Moving may not be a bad idea. I found staying in the house we bought to have children in rather sad and having a new place to live helped me to move on. I am in a terrace of older houses, each one different. The neighbours are all ages from newly married to pensioner, a few single people of all ages too. So I don't feel the odd one out as I would if I was surrrounded by families.

Glad you are feeling stronger today. You are worth it!

love, Jacqui xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Way to go Bell! Good on you for being able to make your intentions clear in a non confrontational kind of way.

Don't let the b****ds grind you down honey!

Have a super weekend with your lovely hubby

Love
Emcee xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Oh Bell - I'm so pleased to hear you sounding a bit happier.  

I'm glad you've been able to make some decisions now, well done.  

All the best
Nix


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