# God! I don't understand.



## Faith76 (Jan 29, 2014)

Please, Christian readers - how can the promises of God fail? How can He fail? It goes against everything that is God .. 
But I CANNOT align the promises of God concerning fertility and answered prayer of His people with my current horror of miscarrying my heart's desire. 
I am in hell because not only is my heart broken over this devastating loss, but I can't find God's will in it. My mind is chaos. 
The Bible is Truth and it states, 'You make the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children' Ps113:9
'Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, flourishing within your home. And look at all those children ..' Ps 128:3
'Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from Him' Ps127:3
'None shall cast their young nor be barren among Your people...' Ex 23:26
'... neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field ...' Mal 3:11
I believe the Bible with all my heart.

Concerning prayer and bringing our petitions before God, there are soooo many Scriptures - Luke 11:9-10, Mark 11:24, 1John 5:14-15, Matt 18:19
These are PROMISES! I have claimed these promises through tears and persistence, and I believed in God 100% that because He said it, He would do it. 
But now, here I am, waiting for confirmation that my baby has died after this long, torturous 5 year road of IVF. 

And we know the will of God in areas that He has chosen to address in His Word - 'Multiply and fill the earth' Gen 1:28
'If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father which is in Heaven give good things to them that ask Him?' Matt7:11

How do we weigh all this up? Please - How can these promises NOT come to fruition when the believer TRULY believes? 'Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours' Mark 11:24. I believed I had received my baby! I believed, even though it was so hard to keep the faith and stay in hope, I believed that God's word had pre-eminence over my own emotions. So, how can I be preparing to miscarry my child? I am distraught. 

And it's not enough for someone to say to me - 'ah .. but doesn't the Bible also say that as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are his ways to ours?' Yes - it does, but that doesn't negate the direct promises, many spoken by Jesus Himself! Jesus - the Word of God.. Jesus was God revealed and He did not keep His will secret. He tells us how to pray and encourages us over and over and over to have faith! 
But look! It has all come to nothing - except the deepest distress I have ever known. Ahhhh, I am in hell right now. How to reconcile all this, I just don't know.
Thanks for reading this rather chaotic post. It reflects the state of my mind and my frantic search for meaning. How will I trust in God for this (or anything else) again? And yet, without God, my world collapses and there is no meaning to anything. x


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## DaughterofLilith (Apr 4, 2005)

Hi Faith76 - I do not believe in the same way as you do, but it has been two days and no replies and that is just not good enough, so like a fool rushing in where the angels fear to tread, I will try my best.

We don't know why chaotic cruel things happen.  Let me rephrase that, no one knows why chaotic cruel things happen.  Anyone who tries to give you an explanation of why this has happened, to you in particular, is therefore a liar.  Please remember this if anyone tries to talk you out of your feelings with theological word-tricks.

So how can you find meaning in this?  The first task is to survive the next few hours, days and weeks.  In months, years or decades time, you might be able to reconcile this loss with your faith, but right now, it's way too early.

For what it's worth I wish you health, healing and a brighter future than you ever thought possible. x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Oh Faith -God has not failed or deserted you, though it may feel like exactly that. The hurt when you lose the baby you've longed for beyond all else for so long in incomparable. I can't say that I know what you're feeling but I can share my story with you.

I married in Dec 2006. We knew it might time a while to conceive as I had a thyroid problem and polycystic ovaries but to be honest I never even imagined we wouldn't be able to have kids. Four months into our marriage I got an incredibly unexpected and welcomed BFP and was overjoyed, I'd been throwing up since I conceived and developed cravings by 4wks when I tested. A week later I started bleeding and just a couple of days after that I lost my miracle. I couldn't stop crying for weeks. I continued to be sick up to 10 times a day from the stress and refused to go to church -how could God do this to me?! I couldn't go near my friends, many of whom had small children and I honestly felt ashamed. That I was defective somehow and a failure as a woman and wife. My heart was broken, shredding and strewn across the universe. I hated people who said idiotic platitudes as the reality was that NOTHING was going to bring back my baby.
After a month or so I was convinced to go to a counselor. To be honest it didn't help as I knew the 'right' answers to give and my grief needed time to process. I came to the conclusion that God was not to blame. The fact was that my body isn't perfect, in the same way that no-one is perfect. I had to trust that God still loved me and that children would be a part of my life one day because without them if felt like my life wasn't worth the effort.
We started down the treatment road with very little luck. On our final IVF I conceived again but refused to believe it would last. It didn't. By that point we knew we couldn't take the heartbreak of another loss.
We took a step back and looked at what we had and what we wanted in our lives. We realised we still had all the talents God gave us, we still had a God who loved us, we still had one another (once we stopped blaming ourselves and one another) and we still had a home to give our children. We prayed lots and looked through our Bibles and discovered so, so many references to adoption -

John 1:12 - #1 Adoption Verse- All who believer are adopted as children of God

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

Romans 8:14-16 - #2 Bible Verse About Adoption-The Holy Spirit

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children.

Galatians 4:4-6 - # 3 Scripture On Adoption- Freedom from the Law

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, "Abba, Father."

James 1:27 - #4 Bible Verse on Adoption- Caring for the Orphans

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Additional Scriptures About Children

Psalm 68:5-6 - #5 Adoption Scripture Verse- God the Father

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows- 
this is God, whose dwelling is holy. 
God places the lonely in families; 
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. 
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Matthew 18:5 - #6 Bible Verse About Adoption- Welcoming a Child

"And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

John 11:52 - #7 Bible Passage on Adoption- All are Welcome

And not only for that nation, but to bring together and unite all the children of God scattered around the world

1 John 3:1-2 - #8 Bible Scripture on Adoption- God's Children

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know him. Dear friends, we are already God's children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is.

Scriptures About God's Love

Exodus 2:10 - #9 Adoption Bible Verse- Adoption of Moses

Later, when the boy was older, his mother brought him back to Pharaoh's daughter, who adopted him as her own son. The princess named him Moses, for she explained, "I lifted him out of the water."

Esther 2:7 - #10 Bible Verse on Adoption- Adoption of Esther

This man had a very beautiful and lovely young cousin, Hadassah, who was also called Esther. When her father and mother died, Mordecai adopted her into his family and raised her as his own daughter.


We started down the adoption route feeling so much peace and happiness about our decision. Don't get me wrong -it was not an easy journey. It took a long time as I battled a bad back, delay after delay, my brother ringing to tell me about his 'accident'. 
One day, 2yrs after we started the adoption journey I received an email. On it was information about a baby boy -there was no picture and just a few details. I was at work and not supposed to be looking at it as it was confidential but I knew I had to -as I read, I burst into tears. My workmates rushed over and asked what was wrong. I said 'it's him. This is my son!' my heart and whole being was overwhelmed with a love beyond all measure, a joy that was undefineable.
We met our son 4 months later. It's now two years almost to the day when we first read that profile and our son is currently asleep upstairs and we are partway through trying to get child no 2.
I don't rule out the possibility of a miracle biological baby but I can tell you that this has been a long but worthwhile journey. Our marriage is stronger for developing in hardship and persevering where many fall apart, our trust in God though at times very difficult to do, has borne the fruit of our son.
Without the waiting and experiences over this period of waiting, we'd not have been picked for our son. His profile was only released within days of us being put onto the national adopters register. If we had been any earlier or later we wouldn't have him here.

Faith is trusting even when all else fails. My mantra through all of this has been this -

xxxxxx but God is Good and his timing is perfect.

This may not be the road for you but no matter what, God made you special and he loves you very much. He is good and His timing is perfect.


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## skybluesarah (Nov 15, 2006)

I've lost 10 babies, though am lucky enough to have two children and a third on the way.  For my losses, I found them easier to deal with when I stopped looking for answers and realised I was never going to understand why they happened.  You're right, it seems contrary to the will of God - but I truly believe there are just some things we cannot understand.

For me I have taken tremendous comfort in knowing my babies are with God.  I know they are with me and look out for their siblings and I feel proud to have had them in me, if only for a short time.  They know they are loved.

I won't pretend it's been easy to get to this position - it hasn't, and it took a long time - and I know if I hadn't been so blessed with my living children my perspective may be different.  

Allow yourself this time of grief and of anger and of doubt.  You will come out of it at some point, and whilst your life will be forever changed, God will always be there for you when you are ready to pick up with Him again.


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Faith - I'm so sorry that you've been going through a very difficult time. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. But I do know how it feels to be angry and feel let down by God, the Holy Spirit who you are devoted to and give up your heart and soul to. The Almighty who promises to love you and answer our prayers. He works in very mysterious and often frustrating ways!! 

The scripture quoted above are great extracts. God will never forsake you, He will never your heart and arms empty. He made you as you are for a reason, it can just feel very frustrating, hurtful and upsetting waiting to find out what that reason is. Having faith in God and trusting Him entirely is not easy and our faith is tested in awful situations like your own. 

God will always listen, I've shouted, ranted, waved my fist at God and asked why did I miscarry, why did my cycle fail, why was I abused, what did I do to deserve this? I'll never know the answers but I know that when I need to ask the same question for the zillionth time, He will listen. 

Take time to let your anger, frustration and hurt out. Give yourself the release and take time to trust God to show you the path back to light. Sometimes the darkness is a good place to take stock, reflect and figure out your way back. 

You are in my prayers xxx


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## LisaL29 (Apr 5, 2012)

Hey faith 

Your inbox is full, hope you are well.  Good luck with spray


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