# BFN and unsure of future



## eeyore5700 (Jul 23, 2007)

Sorry about this me, me, me  post but i really am feeling low................................

I have just had a BFN on my 3rd go at this. It was a FET and now have no more frozen embies. My last FET resulted in a chemical pregnancy but i had hope as had 2 remaining. Now i have used them and a BFN I'm wondering if i really can take much more. I have 1 DS who is 9 and i really wanted a sibling for him but he is getting older by the day. I'm now the only 1 left in my group of friends who has 1 child and although they try to be supportive i just feel like they 'rub it in my face' that they have a baby or toddler. I don't feel like i have anything to talk to them about anymore as I'm not changing nappies or weaning. 

If i chose to end this rollercoaster i will end up having to change my career too. I work in maternity and most days i feel like I'm being tortured. People say i need to take a break from TTC but how can i, pregnancy is all around me. I have always loved my job but as this rollercoaster carries on I'm finding it harder. I cant financially afford to leave my job as DP is only employed 10 months out of the year and we need a regular income and the hours are perfect for DS' school. So i guess I'm stuck. 

I am constantly blaming myself for not being able to give DP a child and I am so worried I'm going to end up losing him if I don't start pulling myself together. I know he loves me regardless and he knew about my infertility before we got together but its just in the back of my mind. He is the only 1 that can stay strong. I am so grateful that i have 1 wonderful DS so should i just say enough is enough??

Any advice?? 
Eeyore x


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## Belbs (Aug 3, 2009)

Hello Eeyore,

IVF is such a rollercoaster and I understand how you are feeling right now. But you can't blame yourself and I'm sure your DP will love you and be there for you whether or not you decide to carry on with the tx.

It takes such a lot out of you, emotionally and mentally and I know it must be hard working in maternity and being surrounded by it everyday. I have just given up my job, teaching, because I found being around children rather hard after my last treatment. I have my OTD for my 3rd tx in a few days and will find it hard to move on and go through it all again.

I hope you manage to find the strength to carry on and have the child you are longing for.

Good luck.      

Belbs xxx


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## eeyore5700 (Jul 23, 2007)

Hi Belbs 

Thanks for your reply. I really hope this treatment works for you       good luck for OTD. Have you managed to stay away from pee sticks? It must have been hard for you giving up your job. Will u go back to it if u get a BFP and your dream? Please let me know if your dream comes true as I really want to hear a success story. When i went back to work I saw a lady who is now pregnant after 5 failed ivf's and it gave me hope. It would be great to think that everyone gets there dream eventually but thats what scares me. 

I went back to work for 4 days but decided to take next week off to get myself together. I have decided to take some time out of TTC and gonna have some tests to see if there is another reason why treatment failing. 

         hope all goes well for u 

Eeyore xx


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## jayne1 (Jul 6, 2005)

Hey Eeyore

I'm so sorry it didn't work for you & know from experience there is nothing I can actually say, but just want you to know people are here for support.  I changed my life really partly, (well quite alot) due to infertility.  Like you I worked in maternity, (was a midwife) & although my fertility problems weren't the main reason I left, it became more& more difficult as time went on for me to watch families together at such a special time.  It made me realise how much I was missing & how desperate I wanted what all these people could have.  After leaving my job I also emigrated to Spain, hopefully to 'chill out' a bit more, (not sure if that's happened, cos I tend to worry about everything)!!

I also find being around friends with children difficult, as I feel it's something I may never have & although they're supportive & great friends, they'll never understand how I feel, hence why I like being on here, because people here do gethow I feel.

I don't know what advice I can give as this rollercoaster affects people in different ways & people deal with it differently.  I suppose I would just say, don't blame yourself, (I know easier said than done), but no one can help having problems with fertility.  Most importantly, keep talking with your DP & be honest.  My DH has been fantastic throughout this,as I'm sure your DP has & they love us & just us!!

Hope you are feeling better soon & strong enough to make the decisions that are right for you..

Take care
Love Jayne x


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## Belbs (Aug 3, 2009)

Hi Eeyore,

Thanx for good luck wishes - we'll need them after the terrible cycle we had! Just one little egg from 30 follies due a huge drop in oestradiol levels. But hope is the only thing we have and tomorrow is our OTD which I am dreading. I'll let you know the outcome.

I definitely won't go back to teaching at the moment - whether I get a bfp or not. I need some time away from the stress and being surrounded by children and their parents and little baby siblings! The last two years have been really hard for me due to ttc and problems along the way to delay tx and then it not working. I have been doing some courses about wine is school holidays and now going to persue a career in wine!! I had to beg my DP to allow me to give up work and lose my income. It will be hard but I was such a mess after the last tx I cried every night for about a month. Not sure how I got through the rest of the school year but I didn't want to leave a class half-way during an academic year.

Everyone on FF has been on such a hard journey to achieve our dreams. Lots of us still not there yet. I don't feel like a strong person, but we all must be to carry on and try again - even after failures. Most people avoid a situation if they know there is a chance of not succeeding but our wish of being a mother is such a strong feeling that we pick ourselves up and believe in that little glimmer of hope. Many have already achieved that dream and their stories on FF gives us all the energy and strength to have another try. 

I'm not sure whether you should change your job if the hours are so handy for your DS's school but I do hope for you that time is on your side, you find the strength to have another go and you have another child. However, from personal experience I know how unbearable it is to be surrounded by the one thing you want and you can't have. And if that is too painful then maybe a new job is the right step. It is such a scary and brave thing to do - leave a job you know and are very good at and going out into the unknown. Especially when financial security is a factor too. 

I hope your week off work is calming and you and your DP can help each other to make your plans for the future.

Best wishes,

Belbs xxx


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