# Struggling with the "when" decision...



## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Oh gosh - I don't think anyone can really help or advise me but at least this might be cathartic so here goes.... 

I can hardly believe it but Ellis is fast approaching his 1st birthday and my thoughts rarely stray from wanting to try for #2. 

The thing is, whilst I have always said I want a sibling for Ellis and desperately want the bump, birth and all the highs and lows that a new baby brings, not to mention the joys of seeing another little one develop in all sorts of ways, the reality of it all is something I'm finding quite scarey. 

As some of you may already know, I'm single and Ellis was conceived using donor sperm. My journey to get him was tough - 3 IUI cycles and 3 IVF's with 2 m/c's and a lost twin along the way. Financially, trying for #2 will be tougher than before as I'm only working part-time now and have used my savings. I will find the money somehow though. My previous IVF's were egg shares and therefore reduced in price however this will be a cycle to myself at full cost. Also, I only have enough sibling sperm banked for 1 IVF cycle so will be hanging all my hopes on it.

My original plan was to contact the clinic after his 1st birthday. As a single mum, I soon realised that this might be too soon so I changed my mind to after christmas. Now though when I think about it, I am filled with uncertainty as to whether even then, if successful, I would be able to cope with a toddler and a baby (or babies) on my own. On the other hand, I'm very aware that with only enough sperm for one attempt the sooner I cycle the better giving that I'm 37 now and my egg quality/quantity will be decreasing as time goes by. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place - my heart's telling me one thing and my head is saying another.

As I said, I'm not sure that anyone will be able to advise but if you do have any thoughts or different perspectives on my dilemma, I would be interested to hear them. And if not, just writing all this down may just help me anyway. 

Lou
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## lotsky (Sep 29, 2006)

Hello


I remember meeting your LO at the meet. 
My instinct when reading your post was 'go for it'. At the end of the day that way there will be no 'ifs'. Decide on the right month to try and just see where it goes. There are pro s and cons either way, so let the BFP or the BFN make the decision for you. 


Lotsky x


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

What a dilemma! However, I would be inclined to say try not to think about it too much, although I know that's easier said than done. At the end of the day you will cope because you have no other choice but to the same as any other mom. No one's going to say having a second is easy, but in my experience it was easier than the first as I didn't go through the huge life changes - my life was already child-orientated and I had made friends who had children so the support network was already there.

As to the possibility of getting a BFN and your dreams being over, I guess the other way to look at it is that at least you would know either way and the decision would be made for you. Do you think you will ever be ready to face it?? I would have thought that, as long as there is a chance of more children, you will never be ready to face that.

Good luck with the decision and with the tx,

Chux xx


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Thanks Chux. Good point about the life changes and support network. I guess those are the sorts of things that I need to hear at the moment as I'm finding hard to see past the difficulties of being a single mum to more than one LO. I'm a bit of a cup half empty person and tend to see the negatives but need the positives pointing out IYKWIM 

You're also right of course about the BFN. I don't think I would ever be ready to face it but would just have to if it happens. 

I guess as a single woman I am aware of being open to being judged about my choices and so I feel the need to plan so that I can single parent with my head held high and without leaving myself open to people drawing the usual conclusions that they do about single mums . 

Thanks again 

Lou
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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

Hey Lou,

I have to say that I have the utmost respect for single parents or those who's partners work away/long hours since having my LO's, and anyone who can't see what a great job you are doing and how it isn't a walk in the park, really don't deserve the time of day.

I guess the thing to look at is what you struggled most with when you had Ellis. For me it was the whole getting used to being 'mum' instead of 'me', the fact that suddenly I seemed to have nothing in common with my friends who all worked and either had grown up children or no children so I had to go in search of new ones, I had to get used to having MUCH less money, being able to come and go as I pleased and, most of all, not being able to sleep loads! Don't get me wrong, coping with a newborn whilst my hormones were raging was hard and sibling rivalry is a tough one too, but I was much more relaxed and rational about it so felt more able to deal with it.

Also I had the confidence to go with my instincts 2nd time around. I wasn't worried about doing things 'properly' right from the start as I knew things would fall into place eventually, so if the baby wanted to sleep on me or be rocked to sleep in the early weeks/months then that's what we did.

I think we all get judged about our choices regardless of our situations - you'd be amazed how many comments I've had because we are having another and even the midwife couldn't help herself! Then when you are a Mommy people are so quick to tell what you should/shouldn't be doing but really it's none of their business.

On the positive side, think of Ellis having a permanent playmate and how you will feel when they interacting together - it's just the most amazing thing to watch and all the rough bits are forgotten in an instant.

As for being the stereotypical single mum, you're far too old to be one of those.   

Chux xx


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Thanks again Chux - that really is good advice and has made me feel more confident about going ahead. I think what I'll do is wait until after Christmas - that way, I can hopefully enjoy E's first birthday and this christmas (I so wanted to enjoy E's first christmas but we all had the Norovirus so it was a complete washout) and then see how I feel. Until then, I'm going to do my best not to obsess about it all too much. 

Focussing on E having a permanent playmate is a great idea. 

Lou
XX


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## jane70 (Apr 17, 2006)

Aweeze
My advice would be to go for it! You will cope with two, it will be hard work but you'll manage. You have the donor sperm for one more go, and I think you're right, the chances of success are going to be better the younger you are. As for people judging you as a single mum, it's no one elses buisness and you shouldn't care what they think. This would be a planned and wanted pregnancy not an accident. The baby would be much wanted and loved. I think it would be lovely for Ellis to have a sibling. That said I think you should enjoy his first birthday and Christmas and try not to feel panicked into rushing anything. 
I'm desperate for no 2 by the way so am biased!!
Jx


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## outspan3 (Jan 22, 2006)

Hi Lou

sorry if this is not much help   but my advice is also 'go for it'  

we spent so much time trying for the first what if it takes as long the second time? Not to put too fine a point on it     We worried about money issues, coping skills etc etc etc and since matt arrived well.... we've just got on and done it. I have also heard people say (and correct me if If I'm wrong mums of more than one!!  ) that 2 is no more work than 1  

I asked at my 6 week check to be referred back as other parents have a choice re age gaps etc, we don't and if we wait to decide we would like another one then its a year and half later (at least) from that decision before we get to the top of the list?! 

Enjoy his xmas a b/day and then take it from there. and forget what everyone else thinks, god if we worried about what people thought about us we'd never get out of bed in the morning   (well I wouldn't  )

Good luck with whatever you decide


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

outspan3 said:


> I have also heard people say (and correct me if If I'm wrong mums of more than one!! ) that 2 is no more work than 1


  Some bits are harder, some are easier, mostly it's just different! You may have sibling rivalry to deal with and juggling getting them to different places, but they have a playmate and company so the pressure is off you to entertain them all the time IYSWIM!

Chux xx


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

I'm so glad now that I posted here as the responses have really made me feel so much more positive about trying again and I feel much more at peace with it all now that I know that I'm just going to go with the flow until after xmas. Until then I'm just going to focus on thotoughly enjoying my time with my ever so special little boy 

Also, I met up with my PN group friend who is pg with #2 today and she seemed so happy and whilst obviously worried about how she will cope with a new LO when her first (who was quite a difficult baby and is still very clingy) will be only 16 months, there is an air of confidence about her too. It made me feel that I could do that too!!! 

LOL - I'm sure that 2 will be in harder in some ways. I know that people also say that if you have angel for your first, you're due a little demon next and vice versa - Ellis was a very good baby so heaven help me if I'm lucky enough to have a second LO! 

Lou
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## CK78 (Mar 27, 2004)

aweeze - i spent my whole 2nd pregnancy thinking i was going to have "a little demon" this time and so far (!!!) she is even easier than her older brother!  So dont listen to what people say!!
I have definately found it easier this time around as like chux said life is already orientated towards children and you are confindent in what you are doing.  

I remember that feeling when the first girl in my PN group announced number 2 like it was yesterday, awful, big hugs. Hope you can come to a decision that is right for you and your little boy.  I def say go for it too!


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## princess-mimi (Aug 26, 2006)

Hi Lou,

i remember we talked about this in the meet-up in January, i completely understand where you are coming from as i have had the same thoughts myself, i've decided that i'm going to try for baby no 2 around about February time as i also only brought enough donor sperm for 1 round of IVF. I know it will be hard but will also be even more enjoyable as they can then grow up together and the family will be complete.
Plus deciding on a time to try the IVF again gives me fours months to prepare and get my body ready for the ivf cycle and a hopeful pregnancy.

You'll know when your ready to try again hun

If your anything like me i'm constantly broudly!!

keep me posted

Kimberley x x


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