# Is it just me?



## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hello all (sigh)

hope your all good.

we have just had our visit from our sw'er and her boss...... feeling    about it. is it just me or did anyone else feel it was tough going?  my dh says that they were just trying to prepare us for panel but it was hellish!!    they asked about childcare if we were luckily enough to adopt. i said i would be taking min 9 months off and then going back part time, with my sister helpling with childcare as she works part time too. said if any probs then i would take off up to 15 momths but would really need to go back after this period for the money. they said that we would really need to think this thru more fully as it may be the case the child/ren need a longer period of time to settle in.  she also said that if we needed me to go back to work financially then this could have an impact on whether we were approved for a sibling group?  (which we would like).

they also mentioned that it may be best to look at our matching acceptances again as it may limit us to child/ren when and if approved? when i answered that a few of them i didnt think i would be able to deal with and to explain/support the child, she asked if i wouldnt find explaining any difficult situation to the child? i know they always say there is no right or wrong answer but it did feel that all the comments i made, were the wrong one's.

its also not looking good that we would make a panel in dec but the way im feeling just now, im not sure if we will ever make panel  

sorry for moaning and thanks for 'listening'.

love camly x x x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Firstly big  to you 

When the team manager came for the visit with our sw we took an instant dislike to each other  ! Honestly she made us feel horrible but I know its not easy, try and not let it worry you! 
She dropped a couple of clanger comments when she was here, I had to look at my dh as I knew I was close to saying something to her. 
They seem to have this old fashioned view that one of you should give up work when in todays world that is most definately unrealistic! 

Please try and not think about it 

xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

Hi Suzie

Thanks for your msg.  Sometimes just feel that we are trying out hardest and its never good enough?  i would love to be a stay at home mum but its just not realistic?  then my sw'er said she had on her notes that i would be taking 15 months off - i had said that if there was difficulty with attachment etc then i would take the 15 months off. so i felt like i had suddenly changed my mind, which wasnt the case at all.

Just not feeling very positive about the whole thing    

anyhoo.......

thanks again x x x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Honestly I could have written your post when the team manager had just been! Makes you feel pants doesnt it 

I think it is because our sw get to know us well throughout the assessment and then this "stranger" walks in and goes other stuff again and we are caught on the hop so to speak 

xx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

oh and I have a meeting tomorrow what the team manager is at ! think of me 

x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

good luck with that one suzie! least you have your littlie now. st*ff her    x x x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hiya,

Try not to worry they always try to pick out the negatives and the work issue seems to be one of them, and just because you said you may take 15months off doesnt mean you will does it? They want us to be 'perfect parents' which just isnt possible, we felt a little like you did as well and I use to analyze everything I had said or commented on and wondered what they made of it, at least you are been open and honest and they cant ask for anything more than that and you did right to state what you can or cant 'manage' in terms of a childs difficulties far better to highlight that at this stage than relent and take a child you cant manage and then risk a placement breakdown.

They will have harder to place children  

on their books, but that isnt your responsibility, you will be fine and I am sure you will pass with flying colours at panel, dont forget they need adoptive parents!! A few more hoops to jump through and then you will achieve your dream promise!!

Take care

Dawny
x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

sometimes whatever you say feels like the wrong thing doesnt it
by the time 15 months (or even 9) has passed after placement ss will hopefully be mostly out of your lives, you will have been to court and little one wil be legally yours. it will be entirely up to you what you do re going back to work..if the child has huuuge problems then yes you may have to have a rethink but you will hit that bridge when you come to it. you know half the mums at our adoption mothers and toddlers group have gone back to work, albeit mostly part time, but most of them within a year of placement..
i'm not suggesting you lie but sometimes theres a case of going along with whats expected and then doing your own thing when it comes to it 

kj x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Camly

Sounds like same old social work with their worst case scenarios.   Don't let it bother you, if there was a problem you would know about it by now.  i always noticed that the social worker senior would "tow the party line" and always say "if" when our social worker would always say "when".

You're nearly there, hang on in there!  It'll all be worth it!  We're at court next friday and will be sooooo glad to have SW out of our lives (for a while at least!   )

bx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Camly,

Just wanted to say huge hugs to you for getting this far without going insane!  

I am a little bit behind you, and have had so many ups and downs, I could really relate to your post, and the feeling that sometimes whatever we do we aren't 'perfect' enough. I smetimes wonder how they think anyone manages without them! 

Our panel has slipped twice, and still have no date. Its been 3 months since our SW went away to start our Form F!! Anyway, I won't hijack your thread with my ranting, just wanted to say well done, it sounds like you are coping really well. I will keep my fingers crossed that you havve no more delays.

All the best

Ermey.
xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hiya

When we first went to the info evening for our LA we were told if we wanted children under 5 yrs I'd have to give up work until the youngest was at school.  Well, to say we were disheartened and upset was an understatement!  No way could we afford for me to take that long off work.  

We discussed this at our initial visit and our minds were put at rest as far as they were interested in us and there are budgets available to help people if the match is right.  We stuck with me taking 12 months off and if needs be would take longer but would require some financial help which everyone was happy with.

As it turns out, we were the first from our prep course to be matched, there were no sibling groups about but were happy to go with one child first, our son is 2 yrs old and at matching panel I was asked about returning to work.  Said about 12 months but could be flexible if need be and I'd be going back part time while he was at nursery/playgroup.  The panel chair said he was pleased with my answer and the 'flexible' bit was what he most wanted to hear.

As KJ says, you will have the adoption order through before 12 months are up and SS will be out of your lives so you can return to work when you need to.

Try not to worry, they are constantly there to test you and then when you are approved you are worth a lot of money to them.

Love
OT x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya folks

i just wanted to say a big massive thank you to you all. you have made me feel better. i know im prob being too harsh on my self and taking things to personally. 

i think the glass of vino may be helping too but as i say thank you!!! really appreciate it. 

i will keep you all posetd on our (hopefully  ) progress

lots of love camly x x x x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

its good to get these ups and downs now and again..it gets you in practice for when your little ones come home because in between all the wonderful moments there  are def some ups and downs along the way 
kj x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi kj

yeah i suppose.its one of those one's were you think - we are a good decent couple, have a nice enough home, lots of love to give, great family etc etc but it never seems to be enough??  i obviously know that the kids are the most important part and they need to make sure they are going to have everything they need but at the same time?

something my mum mentioned which has been on my mind - the sw were going on about the child/ren attaching etc and i may not be able to go back to work after 15 months....what if we were adopting school age kids? would it be the same if they didnt want to go to school?? if that makes sense?  as i say, we know how important the children are but when do you install boundries etc?

sorry folks, im getting abit ahead of myself and deep.  just had a very emotional day  x x x x x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Calmly,

I am no expert on attachment but a young toddler would process a change of caregiver with some confusion partly as it cant be explained to them like an older child, I never gave it any thought until we got our little girl at 13months but when I think about it I am her 3rd mum since her birth, and the attachment process can take a long long time we are 12months in and she still occasionally reverts back to some of her old behaviours when feeling insecure, the main one to watch for which is very common in adopted children is overfriendly behaviour towards strangers most, my little one doesnt talk to anyone she doesnt know now but it has taken a lot of work..........maybe thats what your s/w meant, i dont think we can underestimate how a move to another home can effect the youngest child and there is often a honeymoon period for a while.

I take your point about school age children cant keep them off school but i guess some planning is done around this.

Take care glad you are feeling a little better and yes a glass of vino does help!


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

thanks dawny.

i dont meant to sound like we are not going to be understanding to a childs need etc but it sometimes feels they tell you one thing and then try to prepare you for another. if that makes sense?  i dont want to come across that we are not going to be sensitive to the child and obviously once we are at a matching stage we will do anything in our power to make sure the littlies are safe/supported/cared for to the max. 

just cant help but feel that whatever we say or do isnt going to be good enough? but as i say, prob just being over-sensitive and it will all look diff next week... heres hoping  

thanks again for your msg, means alot. x x x x x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

ps got my profile picture from lambo!!  i think its most suitable  


x x x


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## ShazJohn (Jul 29, 2008)

Hi Camly,

I could have written your inital comment on this thread.  When we had our second opinion visit before panel and the boss lady that came with our SW, i felt, was really not a nice lady, we named her "Little Hitler".  I found everything I said was taken the wrong way and she was, i felt, making me feel really bad about the fact that i will be returning to work after 9 months.  

We went to panel in Sep 07 and were deferred as the LA Decision Maker wanted more information.  We then lost our initial SW and were given "Little Hitler" as the person who would do all the extra work to enable us to be approved.  I was not looking forward to this at all and thought that we might as well give it up as a bad job as she would never allow us to proceed.  

Thankfully I was wrong.  "Little Hitler" turned into our "Little Angel"    She was absolutely lovely.  She was warm and friendly and really took the time to make sure every 'i' was dotted and every 't' was crossed.  She took us to panel again in Nov 07 and recommended us for approval and we got it.  

I really cant thank her enough.  Just a shame we then got moved on to a 3rd SW.  

I hope you just let everything go over your head as I am sure they are just making sure you know what you are letting yourself in for.

ShazJohn x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya shazjohn

thanks for your msg. so glad all worked out for you with your sw'er.

we have just had a call from our sw'er....no space left for panel in dec so it will be next year   disappointed but at the same time... mind you, still no def date... 

she also asked how we felt wed went (if only she knew!!) my dh said that we felt it was abit hard going.she said it wasnt supposed to be but that both her and her boss were very positive! and we would see this in our form f - which should hopefully be with us next week.  soooooo at least thats something. 

thanks again for all your support, means alot to me.  x x x x x


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