# Contact levels ???



## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi

We met with wee one's sw the other day and we were led to believe there was no contact but it has now come out that each parent gets 45mins/week    We still felt positive but our sw has been on the phone and trying to make us realise how big this is and how would we feel if matched and she was with us and this level was continuing. It is so hard as we have already fallen for her but don't want to ignore how big this is. 

I would really appreciate any comments you might have on this contact level.

xxx


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

IL - I'm so angry for you!  I would be furious, as ongoing with BP is not something I would agree to. I can really sympathise with you.

Can you ask SW if it is necessary for this to continue?  I don't see the point personally, just confuses them further.

Sorry, probably not much use but wanted to send a hug your way...


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Irishlady - will the contact continue when you are matched then?? That sounds strange. Our LO had weekly contact right until the week before we met him but we were told that was quite normal because in our case it was because the placement order didn't happen till the week before intros, and they can't stop contact until then. I would question further, surely there will be no contact after she is placed....??


Hope you can get it sorted!


p x


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thanks for replying   

Yes at this stage we are led to believe it will continue post matching. Cannot work it out...wee one has never lived with bp's and cannot see how it is her best interest for this to continue. We have emailed our sw with a load of questions. She is off until Tues   but we have said we need answers before that, otherwise we will start to go insane. And do you know what else We were advised to start buying so ordered a cotbed and yes it arrived today...I had plans of putting it up and getting all excited but it is the garage for the mo, as cannot bear it.   


xx


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Does not make any sense at all to me, this should have come out ages ago if it were the case. And there are hardly any littlies that have direct contact, I am baffled! Hope you get your answers quick      And make sure it is what you want to do, I also do not see how this will benefit the LO


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya


  we were matched with our little girls, they had regular contact with their BP's - this was irregular as BP's didnt always appear, so the month before we were linked all contact was stopped. the day the girls were due to move in with us, the panel (in its wisdom!!!!!) decided yes, they can move in BUT that contact would start again with the BP's?!?!?!? weekly for 2 hrs.  SS had no idea why this was agreed as it was chaotic esp when contact was made. anyway, each week we had to wait for a phone call to tell us if the BP's had appeared and for about 3 weeks, they never....then they did...... ss came and took the girls away for 2 hrs and when they came back my eldest was so confused, she wanted her 'own mum' and kept asking to 'go home'. my youngest had no idea what was happening and didnt leave my side (even more than usual).  thankfully there was no more contact as BP's didnt turn up for the next 3 months visits.it was clearly not in the best interest of my girls.


i think its could be different if your child has had regular contact already and they are used to the contact. the reason it was awful for us was because the girls were very unsettled after contact. at the time we coped - cause you do - with whatever you have thrown at you, but after you think about it, it is a hard going.


after reading this back, it sounds very negative - im so sorry, dont mean it to.  please feel free to pm if you have any questions.


again, im sorry if this sounds 'down' but i do think that not all contact would be so negative.     


lots of love camly xxxx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Oh Camly that sounds awful and so unsettling for your girls.

I am trying to stay calm until we hear answers from our sw. Though dh is off sick, and I am just about holding it together. I don't know how they can treat us like this and not realise the huge implication of this. It all seemed and felt so right but am trying to protect myself now. 

Just cant work out how it was missed from her form.....

Will keep you posted but thank you so much for all your comments and support so far    xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Have you been to official matching panel yet?  If so, this should have come out then ...

It is a massive thing to ask adopters to do.  Like Panorama said, post matching it is rare for a little one who has not lived with birth parents to have any face to face contact.  

It was stressful enough having a one off face to face meeting with birth parents.  I certainly could not have coped if we were expected to bring our son along too   . Are you sure you could cope with the emotional impact on you (let alone the child) of having this extremely high level of contact?  It is stressful enough when a child is first placed but to then have this contact on top, it would be too much to deal with for most people?   

I really hope you can get this sorted out.  You need urgent answers.  I wish you all the very best   
X


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Irish Lady really felt I had to come on and send you   . We're going to matching panel next week and new info and decisions have kept cropping up for us. It is so distressing because you start to bond as soon as you hear of a potential match - I think you have to in a way, to start forming an attachment to your potential child. It does make me feel very cross on your behalf too.
Our little one is having contact but this will stop before he comes to us. Is there a chance that yours will be phased out? I really hope you get the answers you need *very* soon. I know how you must be feeling.  again.
Duckling xxx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thank you   

Matching panel isn't till January but with Christmas etc it does reduce the time that changes can be made.

Just want to hear from our sw but not heard and won't do now until Mon at the earliest I reckon. 

Duckling as you say you do start to form an attachment really quickly and I keep thinking about her.  All the best with your matching panel   

I know dame edna it is trying to think of how much we could cope with let alone the impact on wee one. 

Stressful times.... xx


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

I really do hope that the contact details are changed, it sounds too unsettling for a child to me.

Good luck, I bet you cant wait to get you little one home with you.


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## Helen78 (Oct 17, 2010)

Hiya,

Sorry to butt in ladies, but felt compelled as I'm a childrens s/w. I'm really surprised that you're so close to matching for adoption (I presume?) with a child but have not been informed that she was having contact with BP and that this could be on-going?! Please don't think I'm being rude but are you sure they are suggesting continued direct contact?

Someone mentioned that its unusual for the child to be having contact with the BP which isn't the case, its very common, although generally contact levels would be much less frequent than mentioned as the plan of adoption will have been approved and contact levels must have been addressed at this time? Also, work should have been undertaken with the birth parents in terms of planning for a final contact and contributing to life story work (this should have happened a little while BEFORE intros to avoid confusion). The child should have had age appropriate work completed to help them understand that they will have a lovely new family and an appropriate explanation about why.

I would be asking the s/w for the reasoning behind her proposal to continue face to face contact as this is highly unusual and should only be an option in situations where their is a clear and compelling reason (although some LA's are keener than others, I have never dealt with an adoption that has included direct contact with BP and only 1 that maintained contact with an adopted sibling). I would also ask why the contact has been maintained at what is without question an unreasonably high level for a child in foster care let alone that is being placed for adoption?. Even if you assume that you are willing to adopt a child with direct contact and that all involved agree it is appropriate for the child (as it shouldn't be about the birth parents need!) then that would still be an unstainable level and must be at the very least reduced. Just out of interest what is your s/w (family placement) saying about this and why didn't they know? 

Again sorry for butting in, it just caught my eye, I hope I haven't offended anyone  

xxx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Ongoing infrequent contact is quite common - but this is very very often and seems a bit odd. This seems much more like the level of contact in a FC arrangement (I know of a few FC arrangements with almost daily contact so this isn't unusually high for that).

Even if children have not lived with their birth parents contact helps many children to see where they came from and be realistic about their birth parents.


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Irishlady - this seems (in my opinion and experience) highly unusual, and unlikely to continue after adoption    especially as the little girl is so very young and has never lived with birth parents.  I hope you've now heard from your SW and had some resolution   

Peacelily xx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thanks everyone for your supportive thoughts and comments.

We have met with sw but heard v few answers and no real definite answers. And we were told that this is what it is like. 

But when I was confronted with saying no, just couldn't do it, we have slept on it and gone back to sw to say to continue. I couldn't ignore what my heart was telling which was she is right for us, and whatever contact issues are thrown at us we will manage. 

It is believed that it will be reduced from current levels but not sure if it will happen before her matching panel on Jan. Just taking one small step at a time and the next milestone is linking panel next week. 

We do feel that this is right, it does feel right. What a process though    

xx

xx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Irishlady, 

Have you seen your APR form yet? It's prepared for matching panel. Ours sets out exactly what the proposed contact plan is, and you have an opportunity to write your response to this, saying how you feel about the proposals (another form, I think it's called 'views of prospective adopters'!) This would be an opportunity to say how you feel about this. 

We are also going to Panel in Jan and have only just discovered why BD has been MIA for the last few months.... GRRR, info is coming in dribs and drabs!! 
I feel for you.. .and know how attached I am to our Littley also, can't wait for MP to be over and please god she will be ours...


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi again   

Sorry for being awol for a while but really needed time out. Had a great relaxing time over Christmas to recharge the batteries as we decided not to proceed with wee one as contact levels still so high.

Anyway..........our sw called us last week to say contact levels have changed to once a month with the same wee one, and feel we can manage it!!! Totally didn't expect it and had been trying hard to put her out of her mind.  Now things have to proceed really quickly....are you ready ?!?!? We had met with some professionals in Nov but are meeting her foster carer tomorrow and then linking meeting on Wed. Matching panel is next Tuesday!!!!! Can't get our heads round it and all still feeling surreal!!!

xxx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Ahh, I'm pleased for you Irish lady  

I would recommend that you check what the contact levels will be post adoption order (ie. Once the child is legally yours) ?  

Good luck and congratulations
X


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi Irishlady,

Sorry to hear you’ve had this extra stress heaped on you 

Gosh you’re brave though, kudos – because monthly contact is a lot to take on. You have no doubt considered that (once that little one is placed and you start ‘claiming’) it could be tough going. 

This is just me though; I’m not brave at all. In fact I was very selfish with our wee one in the early days of placement – I didn’t even want to let anyone else push her buggy!

I hope it all goes well.

D x


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Ah well done Irishlady, hope it all works out and good luck for MP!!!


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thanks everyone   

Yes still realise monthly is a lot but they have not attended past few sessions so hopefully they will disengage, if not we can manage once  a month.

Met with foster carer today which was brilliant, roll on MP a week today !!!


xxx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Oooh good luck! We just had ours and they were absolutely lovely!! It was a fab day


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thank you, her foster carer was so lovely and answered any questions we had. She said it was a real privilege to meet us which was such a nice thing to say.

Finishing work on Fri   

xxxx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Oh you lucky thing - I am still working! We are meeting her next week!


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Matching panel went well today and intros hopefully start next Tues!! Got photos today to keep which was amazing, can't stop looking at her!!

When are you finishing work Clomidia? 

xx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Me too!!! EXCITING TIMES  

I'm hoping to finish work this Friday, but will keep an eye on emails now and then til they sort out my adoption leave properly (they wanted 28 days notice!)


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