# can't stop crying



## jessieG1975 (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi Everyone,

I don't know what to do, since my chemical pg last week I have felt soooooo low.  I have got AF now and am exhausted.  I can't stop crying.  I feel really isolated and alone.  I have lost my sparkle, I am usually a really happy person, yet now I feel so depressed.  I think DH doesn't know what to do with me because I am so low.  He said I have 'thought' myself into this state.  He really doesn't understand how I feel.  He said he feels bad too, which I don't doubt, but he is able to go to work and get back to normal, I can't though.  I can't face the shops, let alone work.  I had my BFN a week ago, and am feeling worse every day, not better. 

I feel worse than I did last cycle, when I had a mc, because i had hope then, thinking 'oh well, at least I got pg', where as now, I have lost all hope.  I don't think this will ever work for us, I am scared that we will split up as a result.  I am scared that I will never be myself again.  I hate what this has done to me, and at the moment can't see a way out of this black hole.

Sorry if this is really depressing, but I don't know what else to do. How do you guys manage to stay positive, I am rubbish at this!

Jess

x


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## soni (Dec 31, 2005)

Hi Jess,

Just couldn't ignore ur mail.  

I can understand completely where u r coming from as I am suffering from the same with exactly the same date as urs.I had ERPC done on 22/5/08 and this was my second pregnancy as well.Now just don't know what to do anymore.I gave up my work as just couldn't do 2 things at the same time and now I am thinking it was completely a wrong decision but the one thing which i have learned is that time is the biggest healer and we have to move on .......It seems really hard at the moment but I strongly believe we all will get what we are hoping for!!!!Please give time to urself and be gentle with ur DH too as men aren't very expressive.Together u will overcome this hardship.

My prayers are with you and please feel free to pm me if u need.

Soni


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## Bearfriend (Mar 28, 2008)

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry you are feeling so cr*p and all that you have had to go thru.  I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom just feeling a little like you.  I had a mmc discovered on xmas eve and erpc just before new year, I've just got my BFN today and feel low and exhausted with it all.  

Like you I have days where I feel that I will never have a baby and getting a BFN does bring back the loss of the miscarriage.  I wonder if its the same for you.  My biggest fear is that the baby that I lost was my one chance of having a child.  People tell me to keep hoping but sometimes thats just so hard to do.  I feel like I am a different person now to before, I've lost my sense of fun and playfulness, I find it harder to go out and socialise because what do I say?  I know that I have to grit my teeth and get thru this and that one day, someday, the world will seem a better place again.  I say, allow yourself to grieve and mourn, talk to someone empathetic who will just listen and then pick yourself up and go through the motions of life again. Give your DH a big hug and tell him that everybody copes in different ways and its alright that you feel like this, it won't be forever.  Sometimes the only way thru the pain, is thru it, there ain't no short cuts unfortunately.

Keep posting on here and tell us how you're feeling for as long as you need to.  Sometimes I think we just need each other to hear our pain and that helps.  Today I'm hurting, feel sad and lonely and don't recognise myself but that's today, tomorrow may be different or if not, the day after or the week after that.

you take care of yourself Jess, will be thinking of you xx


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Jess   

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, I felt like this for at least a week after my last BFN, sometimes it really does knock you for six no matter how much you try to prepare for it.

Please remember that you will have all sorts of hormones still in your system that are also helping you to feel like this so don't be too hard on yourself. You will feel back to normal again I promise but for you now you just have to hang on & try to work through it. Your DH won't have all these hormones swimming around & he also won't have been so 'attached' (in a physical and maybe emotional sense) as you so please try & be patient with him & ask him to be patient with you. Take time to be nice to yourself & each other. Maybe book a holiday so you have something to look forward to?

I know its really cr*p at the moment but you will get through this  

Also -   for Soni &   for Bearfriend too.

Wombly x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Jess i'm so sorry you are having to go through all this hun  i wish i had some advice for you but sadly it's like the others have said you just have to give yourself time to grieve and try to get along as best you can    i truely sympathise with you hun as i haven't been through half what some of you have and i didn't cope with my BFN very well at all and i have no idea how to stay strong, i wimped out after 2 ivf's and just couldn't face anymore tx. but i have since been very lucky and moved on to adoption and now i have my ds. just try to keep a little hope hun your life can lead you down paths you never imagined  

pam xx


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## jessieG1975 (Mar 1, 2007)

Thanks you all so much for your replies to my post.  You have helped me so much, just realising that I'm not on my own has been a real comfort.  I felt a bit better today than yesterday.  We have booked another tx in August, so I am trying to be optimistic again.  I have also been to my GP and arranged an appointment with a recurrant pg loss clinic in June, so if there is a problem with me we might be able to identify it before we go again.  I'm trying to think that we have just been really unlucky, and trying to be positive. I have decided to try two more times, then if it hasn't worked by then, we will have to consider other options, such as adoption.  Pam, you have really made me consider this after seeing your beautiful little boy!

I am so sad for us all that we have to go through this, I never realised just how hard IVF can be until this cycle. My heart has broken, but I am going to do my very very best to repair it in time for the next cycle.  

What you have all said about my DH has been helpful too, I can take things out on him a bit, and I see that this has broken his heart too, I don't want to loose him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I'm scared that I'll push him away. It's killing me to see how hurt he is, and if I could, I'd take all his hurt for him.  

Thank you all again for your support and kind words,

Jess

xx


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

Hi Jess
How are you feeling? Really sorry to hear what has happened to you. It's no wonder you are feeling so bad, it is a bereavement really isnt it? You ARE strong..it just takes time, some longer than others and you will find the strength to go on..
i wish you lots of luck for your next move  
pobby xx


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## mittens (May 3, 2008)

I just had to write to all you ladies. 
We could fill an ocean with our tears. 
There is so much love that we have to give, what a shame to waste it. Seeing you with that little adopted son made so much sense. I wish you all the best for your future. 
I wish you all the luck ladies with whatever you decide to do. 

Bunnyx


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## jessieG1975 (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi,
I wanted to pop in to say that I feel 100% better.  I have gone back to work, and feel a bit like my old self again.  Me and DH are getting on really well again, and life is better in general.  I have been out with friends, spent time with family and had a bit of retail therapy.  I haven't cried for a while and AF has stopped too, so I'm ready to move on.

I will always feel sadness and a void where a baby should be, but I have a lot of things in my life that I am lucky and grateful for, so I am trying to focus on that instead!

Thanks again for all your support, we will ALL get our happy endings

love Jess xx


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Jess

So glad you're feeling more positive, sounds like you did all the right things - onwards & upwards!! 

Wombly x


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## melb (May 6, 2005)

Hi.... Have you thought about immunology testing? 1 in 200 people have trouble conceiving due to immune issues that can be remedied.... for most people anyway.. we have just had our 5th failed tx and our 3 rd biochemical despite throwing every medicine Care in Notts recommended. Immune issues aren't widely known about but they are a factor. Good luck.


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