# Jealousy



## TiaMia (Jun 23, 2014)

Hi, I've been reading the posts a while but this is my first post. Hoping this isn't a duplicate. If it is, pls link me to the post.  My husband and I have a slim to none chance  of conceiving. It's gradually worn us both down knowing We can't conceive naturally but we are trying to stay positive- making plans for what we could do with our lives if it doesn't work. But underlying it all I'm feeling confused, upset and admittedly a sense of injustice. I am reminded that 'life isn't fair,' but hearing that phrase doesn't alleviate the emotional upheaval. It upsets me that people who didn't ever want children get pregnant, people who cheated on partners get pregnant not knowing who the father is, and 15/16 year olds who can't provide for their children get pregnant. And then there is my husband and I who know we want a child surrounded by all these pregnancies that were unplanned, unwanted or outright mistakes. Short of locking myself a way and living like a hermit, how else can I get through this?


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

I think all of us on here have probably had these feelings at one time or another, or even throughout the process.

It comes down to which of a few options you want to take really, after the failed ivf cycles with my eggs we could either have 1) given up and accepted a child free life - this made me feel so empty and desolate that it was quickly rejected 2) moved onto adoption - this is fantastic for many but wasn't for us for a number of reasons or 3) pursued treatment further - which we did, going for donor eggs in our case,which increasing numbers of people are doing, along with donor sperm or double donor

If you break it down into options and the pros and cons for you both it gives you a bit more focus in all the pain and jealousy.

I spent four months with my daughter in hospital (see signature) walking past smoking pregnant women day in day out so I totally get where you are coming from

Good luck


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## TiaMia (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks RB76. I definitely have to think logically of options about this as the emotional aspect is a bit overwhelming.


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## kiki808 (Oct 4, 2012)

TiaMia, I can completely relate to what you're saying about how unfair life is and the injustice. We're reminded of it constantly and it breaks my heart thinking about it; teenage mum's who can barely look after themselves, swearing and shouting at their children, friends in unhappy and unfulfilled marriages accidentally conceiving, relatives who fall so easily after "a really long time trying" (3 months?! Really?!!).

I agree with RB76 to get a plan sorted which will hopefully give you some sort of focus. These feelings we go through are only natural and it's OK to be angry, upset, sad, jealous. We're all ears on FF...

Best wishes to all

Kiki x


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi TiaMia (great name!)

I have found jealousy the most debilitating, difficult, consuming, upsetting, draining and maddening predominant emotion I've experienced during our IVF journey. I've really struggled with it - feeling terrible to be feeling like that, hating the way IF affected me, not wanting to feel like that and yet not knowing what to do with these huge terribly overwhelming emotions. 

there's a reason why the word 'lousy' is in jealousy!!

When I had counselling following our last (unsuccessful) IVF, I told the counsellor that I had managed to reconcile my feelings of failure, not giving my daughter a sibling etc etc etc, but that the main hangover feeling was piercing hateful scary spiteful jealousy. It really upset me. Her view was that this is a part of the grieving process. In the grieving process, there is a stage of anger - her view was that this is our way of handling/showing our anger in this very complicated, hidden and complex form of grief. 

The important thing (for me) is: a) I know I don't want to feel like this; b) I know I'm not a bad person, just a very very sad one right now c) I know I shouldn't be judging my insides against their outsides and d) I know one day this pain reaction will fade. 

I know I'll always be sad that our journey didn't bring us what we wanted (a second child). I know sometimes I will feel the sense of sadness and injustice well up in me when triggered, but I also know this will diminish with time. With time I'll learn to live with it and learn to feel more compassion, grace, serenity and peace for and towards others. 

At least I hope to f*ck I do!  

Let the process take it's course, feelings aren't forever

R xxx


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## TiaMia (Jun 23, 2014)

Thanks for all of your responses. I haven't decided what to my plan is yet, but sitting down with my husband and working one out is at the very top of my list. Once we have a plan on paper, I think il feel better. I'll probably feel emotions like sadness, jealousy, anger etc, but I'm just going to accept them without labelling them good or bad and roll with it.

P.s Rubster- re my name, couldn't get Tia(not my real name), and I was struck by a playful moment and made my  desired name a rhyme


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