# I'm really depressed



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

So this morning, I finally admitted how depressed I am.

I am no longer functioning.  I haven't done any work for a month, I am so scared and worried about that    I just sit there and look at my computer all day every day, I do absolutely nothing and achieve nothing.  It all seems so scary, I've lost my confidence and don't feel like I even understand what my job is anymore.

I've done counselling, I've done a Mindfulness course and have signed up for two more and I've started the Mood Gym.

I am really, really depressed though still.  I can see no way out because I don't want to accept that this is my life and that my family line dies with me.  I feel so little and insignificant. 

I'm not coping


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## babycrazy35 (Jul 29, 2013)

Oh Molly, you really are very hard on yourself. Don't think anyone with infertility wakes up and thinks 'oh how wonderful I am alive!' even though they know that there are plenty of people more worse of than them. I've done counselling in the past for other issues and not found it helpful at all, at least you've tried it. Just take one hour at a time, and remember tomorrow is another day. I'm having a dark day today and fed up of seeing pregnant women smoking and others who just pop them out one after the other. Going to go and have a coffee and a chocolate biscuit as I'm also depressed and fed up, not very good I know. You are not alone, hun.


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Oh Molly...

Sending you a huge huge  . This is a horrible horrible situation to be in and it is completely understandable that it's difficult to cope.

This is a gentle comment... But I think perhaps you should go to your GP and have a chat. (Or if they have been rubbish - go to a different one) From the outside looking in it really looks like you are doing lots to try and help yourself and maybe you need some people now to help you.

Out of interest what type of counselling did you try? (There are some vast differences in approaches and I'm wondering if a different type of counselling may help you more??)
After my first failed cycle I was a complete mess. I couldn't function, I was just broken completely and I went to see an excellent fertility counsellor who adapts his techniques to suit the situation. So we did a mixture of CBT etc but predominantly it was action orientated (as I am an action orientated person). It was the only way I got myself to the point where I would do a 2nd cycle. We focussed a lot on the sheer amount of pressure I was putting myself under and he really helped me change that.

Please don't feel you are insignificant.... You are important... You are significant and there will be a path ahead for you.. You just can't see it yet.

Sorry I don't have a magic wand to take away your pain... But sending you  

L x


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Molly99 

 

I'm so very sorry to read you find yourself
at such a wretched low point in your life. I 
too have read many of your posts and have 
sensed an utter sadness in your writing for 
some time  So firstly be very very proud of
yourself for acknowledging that you are depressed
and need support. It takes a brave woman to
admit that so be proud of yourself.

You have reached a cross roads in your life where
the path forward is very unclear to you. When 
you're feeling so low it's hard and scary to 
project too far into the future. None of us know
what tomorrow will bring so just take each day
as it comes, hour by hour, so that you aren't forcing
yourself to deal with the future but the here and now
in manageable pieces. Before you know it you'll have
reached bedtime, the end of the week, month and
can be proud of every little milestone you reach 
which will add up to a huge amount of progress.

You certainly sound as though you've been exploring
lots of counselling etc to help get yourself through this
period. Again, that takes guts and a fighting spirit to 
want to feel better and seek help when it must feel 
easier to pull up the duvet and hide from the world.
Already you've achieved so much without realising it or
giving yourself any credit for it. 

A bit of a curve ball but have you ever considered 
bereavement counselling as opposed to fertility counselling?
You may find that a bereavement expect will offer
different coping mechanisms than a fertility one who
may focus more on family options etc.

Where family options go, as the other lady commented you
do have a choice of potentially exploring the donor option
although this of course is an extremely personal choice and
one which only you know whether is right for you and/or
your relationship. 

You mentioned you're struggling with work. I assume you work
from home? I do too and it can be an extremely isolating 
situation at times. It also takes a lot of self motivation which
very understandably you have lost at the moment. Work is a 
big part of our lives so maybe consider exploring other 
employment options where you would be in regular contact with
others which can help to distract your thoughts of home even if
for just a few minutes a day. Any respite is welcome I imagine. 

You come across as being a very kind and caring lady molly99. 
You constantly answer others' posts when they are feeling low
and lost and offer reassurance from your own experiences. It takes
a special person to step outside their own grief to care enough 
about the pain of someone else. Just a thought, for the future would 
it be a career or voluntary option to use your painful experience
to help others going through IF? Seems to me you have so much ti
give and so much love to be a mum that maybe that maternal feeling
can be channeled in a different way? 

There is a lot of support on here so well done for reaching out and letting
people help you. Hoping this is the start for finding the peace you deserve. 

Take care

X


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi Molly 

I read your post and it breaks my heart. Earlier this year I felt much like you, really really depressed, not Able to drag myself out of a black hole but I don't know how or why but I came through and am feeling (not completly) but a lot more like my old self. maybe I was just lucky but the bad times did pass. I hope they do for you as well.

Take care. You are not alone.


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## saskia100 (Mar 28, 2011)

Hi Molly

I just wanted to say that u r not alone. This is a very difficult journey with huge emotional input, so when it doesn't work it's natural to feel depressed, exhausted and empty etc...

The others have all given very good advice. Particularly about going to see your gp.

I felt something similar a few years ago due to miscarriage, redundancy and finding out my partner also cheating on me. I got very depressed. I started working freelance but struggled with motivation. I had to write post it notes to myself the night before each day just to get up, shower and clean the kitchen. Some days I didn't even succeed with those basic activities. (Very bad place to be in) Eventually I forced myself to go out, meet new people and do some fun things. Then I got a fab new job which gave me my life back, starting with confidence. Then I met a great bloke who is now my husband. Alas the fertility issue is still existing but we will be moving on to donor eggs in the new year.

My point is if u can forget about trying to get pregnant for just a little while and get out the house and meet new people and go to new places for a little distraction. Then maybe u will start to feel a little better, and not consumed with baby making, and then you may not feel quite so stuck and so can perhaps make some decision on what to do next. 

Good luck. 

Saskia


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages and for helping me to see hope where I just couldn't.  You are all so kind.

Saskia, you really are a model for positivity.  You've been through so much and to still see the sunshine is just a credit to you and your strength.

I guess I've got to a place where this has completely consumed me and my DH is a pretend it never happened kind of man who just wants it all to go away or it ends in a huge row.  I keep on going, talking where I can on this wonderful site, until I just explode.  At nearly 41, I can literally feel my body ticking down, my birthday is in a month and I just feel swallowed up into this black hole.

On the plus side, we rescued a puppy last weekend and she is better than any anti depressant.  I caught a little glimpse of the person that I used to be for just a little while.  I know that I am still there, it's true about having to find yourself again.

Thank you for being there for me and for taking the time to help xx


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## JulietP (Dec 6, 2012)

Hey Molly I just wanted to stop and say how pleased I am that you have a puppy!  I went through terribly dark times too and resisted any activities, going out, meeting anyone, because I felt worthless and pitiful.  When DH suggested a puppy I was outraged - how could that possibly make up for not have a child?  We now have a 5 month old and I adore him.  He loves me and DH more than anything and can't get enough of being near us.  Being needed has been the best medicine.  Try not to be too cross with your husband.  A lot of the time, they see being strong as a good thing, unlike us who want to pour our hearts out every night and every day.  I know how you feel about your age, I am 44 and I see my life as almost over....but I take each day as a new day that my sweet little pup does something wonderful.  It's all I have for now.

You saw a little of yourself and that will get bigger and better. Enjoy your pup, she needs you as much as any baby - she needs loving, feeding and you being there for her.  It really is ever so rewarding.

Thinking of you


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## Jessie72 (Aug 21, 2012)

Hi Molly

I haven't been on fertility friends for a while - and then this morning I read your post and cried, both for you and for myself. This time last year my dh and I had our last bfn and told the only way forward ( after years of trying) is double donor/ donor embryo. We decided to take an 'ivf break' and leave time to 'heal' and come to some decision whether to go the donor route or move on.

It is so hard to close the door and yet at 42 ( and my dh is near 50) i can totally relate to you when you say you can feel your body ticking down. A year on im still going round in circles. the thought of going through more ivf fills my dh and i with dread rather than the hope of having a child. 

Im on antidepressants which help and i have a good therapist. I guess what i find with therapy is that it is not a quick fix solution but I think it is helping me go through a process of self acceptance - which is not an easy thing for me to do. Mindfulness is great, it can be tough 'sitting with difficult feelings' though. I found this aspect of mindfulness hard. I did come across someone called Kirsten Neff by chance. I found a talk given by her on you tube. Her work is basically mindfulness self compassion. Its basically about acknowledging the difficult time you are going through and rather than forcing yourself to sit with difficult feelings you use mindfulness to be kind to yourself and give yourself the compassion you need. I guess this may not be for everyone but something 'clicked' with me. Its like really giving yourself a loving hug - boy did I cry and cry and cry when i tried it. It was such a release. I still have more grieving to do, perhaps that is why I still find it difficult to close the door. 

To be honest, although its been a year since our last bfn, ive/ we've been in denial and have been skirting around the issue and the decision we have to make. We have only been able to bring ourselves to talk about it in the last month. Talking with my dh has helped us- helped me realise he has been feeling loss too- i guess men deal with it differently than women. 

I dont know if you are familiar with Gateway. Its a group for women who are childless by circumstance. They have meetups.

Anyway, sorry for the long message. Thank you for posting such an honest post. Sending you a virtual hug  . You are not alone.

J xx

ps brilliant you have rescued a puppy. My dh and i have rescued a beautiful doggie nearly 6 months ago and she has really brought back joy in our lives


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Puppies really do seem to be a little answer don't they  Funny, I really resisted getting a pup after my beautiful oldie died even though I've always had two dogs and my other one was lonely. That's how I ended up with two dogs in the first place, as a substitute because I so desperately wanted a baby. I thought that getting another would just be used as a plaster over it again and tell everyone that it was all fine now because I had a pup substitute. It was all in my head, I wish that I hadn't waited now.

Jessie, I'm so sorry to hear that you are on antidepressants lovely. They do help though I know so it's great that you are protecting yourself. I should have been on them a long time ago to be honest but I am so terrified of closing any doors and damaging my chances if adoption is our only way forward. In reality, I know that these things are probably ok and that adoption with our family circumstances is probably out of the window anyway. I've been using inositol as a herbal supplement to try and help (though I'm actually using it for fertility purposes and pretending it's to help anxiety and depression....as you do!).

I do find mindfulness hard too, I'm not at that acceptance and calm stage yet. I am going on short healing the past and coping with anger mindfulness courses soon, it will be interesting to see what that does. I have tinkered with the Gateway Women site too and read Jody Day's book (which is great), I just don't feel quite ready for them yet though, I don't want to accept where I am even though I know that I have to. Do you find that too?

DH and I had a stupid barney over scraping the bottom of yoghurt pots to get the last bit out (my habit, he _hates _it  ). It's funny what can set you off when you're tinkering around having a 'normal' week and just about coping. I got massively depressed again, the whole infertility thing just overwhelmed me again and I started to feel so sad that the mother of DH's children will only ever be another woman. I really started to sink low again. I come out of it a little quicker now but it is just bubbling beneath the surface all of the time, it terrifies me that it will always be this way.

I get this glimpse of myself as this crabby middle aged woman and I just think what a wasted life, yet I can't drag myself out to make the most of it - because all I'm doing is making the most of it and not living a life as full as it would be with a family 

Come here puppy, I clearly need cuddles


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## Kimba9407 (Feb 12, 2015)

Hi Molly,

I know this post has been here for a while, but I am new to the forum and read your post and it sounds like it could have been written by me. I'm coming up to the end of my road having our own kids when I turn 43 in a few weeks.  The practice we go to will not use your own eggs after 43 and it has always been important to me to have my own biological kids.  I also have Bipolar 2 disorder and the grieving our miscarriages and facing never being a mom triggered an episode of depression. And it sucks. I can relate to what you are feeling. It is so hard to ask for help for ourselves.

I'm wondering how you are doing. I tell my therapist that I'm not seeing the light at the end of this struggle and he tells me it's around the corner. I hope you are doing better. I just wanted to comment that you aren't alone in how you feel. And that I hope you are doing better.

Hugs ,
Kimba


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Kimba, I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to reply.  My phone & internet has finally been reconnected this afternoon after a 2 month fault   

Please don't worry about starting up this post again, I know that this can be the loneliest of journeys and that depression is an absolute killer.  I am so sorry to hear your story, it is just heart wrenching, I hope that you are finding a way through each day.  I don't think that many other people can understand just what a cliff it feels that you are dangling off when you have age & the prospect of never having children  

I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist, I really hope that he is helping.  I hated the whole therapy thing, I have always been very introverted emotionally and I just wasn't comfortable with resolving things before I was ready, but then I'm fiercely stubborn in that way  

Well, 8 months on from my last BFN and 4 months on from this post have things changed ...... YES  

It has taken a long time and it has completely changed me as a person but there is a light around the corner sweetie.  It isn't necessarily the light that you would have chosen or the light that attracts you but it is there.  This changes you beyond measure but you won't always feel as sad or dark as you do now lovely.  

I do wonder whether I would have started to feel less depressed as quickly if I hadn't have got a puppy.  I needed something to get up for every day and something new that needed me unconditionally.  For me, that was my trigger.

I'm flabbergasted to be saying that we are currently looking at embryo donation in Prague    I'm almost afraid to be starting something new when I'm just feeling that I'm recognising myself again but I feel in a much stronger position now.  I can't give up just yet.

I hope that you are finding the right help.  Don't hesitate to PM me or post here, I found just saying how dark I was actually feeling lifted just a little weight each time.

Thinking of you xxx


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## littlecat83 (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi Molly99

I've been following your journey too (weird what stalkers we turn into on here  ) and I really felt for you today reading through your initial post. I'm so pleased that a few months later you sound so much happier and settled. That puppy sounds like they've completely done the trick when you needed it most and now you are thinking of starting another phase of your journey which is great! I really hope Prague works out for you guys.

Just out of interest and don't answer if you don't want to, but why do you think adoption isn't an option for you because of your family situation? xxx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Hello all, I am moving this thread to End of the Road .... Or Not, so you can continue to discuss future options for building your families.  The Moving On boards are for those who have finished trying and there are strict guidelines for the content there, out of respect. More information is available on the stickies threads in the Moving On board.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you littlecat    I know what you mean  

I would love to consider adoption but I'm not sure whether the inevitable impact on our marriage would just be too much for us.  My DH's ex would make it very hard for us and has lied outright in courts before.  Involving my step kiddies too would be hard.  We're just a complicated set up already.  Xx

Thank you handstichedmum.  My original post was definitely in the moving on section, I really had no other options until 2 weeks ago


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