# feeling very low



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Sorry for the me post.  I didn't feel I could do it on another thread as I didn't want to bring down the positivity.


I am feeling really low and sad after egg collection today.


I am very lucky as I have a 20 month year old son, after 7 rounds of own egg IVF at 42 years.  I used to think that would be enough but I really don't want him to grow up an only child and it makes me terribly sad to think I would give him everything in the world I could - but I can't give him that.


Anyway - my reserves are really running out and today I only had 2 eggs collected and they didn't seem very optimistic that they would get to egg transfer.


I am a single Mum and found the stimming hard without any support and felt rather lonely today seeing the couples holding hands in the cubicles while I was on my own.


I guess they will call me to let me know tomorrow but right now I'm feeling very   


The very best of luck to everyone  - it's such a hard road and I have everything crossed that your dreams come true and that my lucky number 7 gives you some hope to keep trying.


----------



## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

Sending *hugs* 

Tony
x


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hey everything crossed for you


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

sending some   
it is hard doing this on your own - do come and chat on the singlies boards if you'd like some company
best of luck, hope things work out with this cycle - it only takes one   
Suitcase
x


----------



## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Hang in there Reb    it's so hard all of this stuff...remember you are doing your very best and that's all you can do. It's not like you haven't fought for your ds and now fighting again...it's so hard...not that he could ever understand now but your son would be proud of you and love you for doing your best....sending you lots of      for this cycle!   
xxxA


----------



## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Reb, everything crossed here that tomorrow brings you good news x x


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

hi reb    I understand the pain of thinking you can't give your DS a sibling, we're not having any more tx for various reasons and it breaks my heart he will be my one and only (although like you I'm over the moon lucky to have him at all!). 


Just on a practical note, can you take a friend or relative with you next time you go in so you don't feel so lonely?


Remember though it only takes one    and like alexine says, you're doing your very best for your little family    


Kandy    xxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply; Tony, Mish, Goldbunny, Suitcase - I really appreciate it.   


 KandyKane.


Alexine - how are you doing? Love to hear your news.  Will PM you.  


Just had a ridiculous call from the consultant to tell me how disappointed he was with the fact that 2 of my follicles were empty and so he was fooled into thinking I had responded better than I did.  And that it was a shame that I had said I wanted ISCI when I got to the clinic as he wanted to do IVF and thinks that would have given me a better chance of fertilisation.  I said he needed to discuss that with me in advance then as I've always had ICSI with him before (6 rounds after no fertilisation first time).  He said I had just wasted £1000.  Super.  I've known him for years so I know what he's like but honestly!!!! - when I said was there anything useful we learned he said - just that you are a few years older now.  Not what you need to hear before you go to bed.  


So now I'm sitting here on my own,  feeling rather wierd from all the drugs, worrying about having nothing tomorrow.  Then worrying about it not being good quality if I do.  


Time to focus my mind on my DS who is sleeping oblivious next door.  Do not let me try this again even if I sound very convincing!!!


xxx


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

god your consultant sounds like a right    where does he get off ringing you with that and at this time of night??    
Have got everything crossed for you tomorrow


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thanks again for your kind support. Both looked a bit weird cell-wise yesterday they said but when they took the shell off they looked mature and both fertilized so just  for tomorrow. Eeeek.


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hang on in there!        My two BFPs both came from nightmare cycles where everything seemed to be going wrong.  Great news that your two eggs have fertilised.  Fingers and everything elses crossed for good news tomorrow.      

PS: Your wee boy is lucky to have a mum who has tried so hard both to have him and to have a sibling for him. Please don't feel low - feel proud of yourself.  

Ellie


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Wow Ellie I love your signature. Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me as it's made my day to read it


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

how did it go reb?


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Hi Kandykane - I'm PUPO      
2 put back.
1 x 2 cell and 1 x 4 cell.  The 4 cell divided 10 minutes before ET.  
eeeeeek.


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

That sounds great!! Fingers crossed they snuggle in - sending you sticky vibes


----------



## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Hang in there Reb....we are rooting for you and your embies!!      
xxA


----------



## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Reb, all my fingers and toes are crossed for you and your embies        
Martha x


----------



## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

Fab news!!!  Two for transfer     

Daisy


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Lovely messages. I really appreciate them and feel hopeful reading them. Thank you so much.


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Brilliant news    

I am so pleased for you and am sending you and your wee embies lots and lots of     .  

Ellie


----------



## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Everything crossed her for you Reb xx


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Fantastic news darling Reb.. Thinking of you.. All the way PMA!!!          

When is OTD?

Kukixxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a fab group you are. 

20th Kuki.  .


----------



## yaya (Aug 17, 2010)

Amazing Reb. Sounds like you have two fighters in there. Everything crossed for OTD.


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

How are you feeling?MXxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Yaya. Great to hear from you? How are you doing? Thanks for lovely wishes. 18 months is such a great age. It just gets better. 

Hi M. Feeling good thanks. On a cocktail of drugs that's starting to take a toll but totally worth it of course. God knows - it's the longest b"**y shot in the world but at least I can say I tried. How are you all doing? How's kitchen - okay or b nightmare with two tinies? XXX


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Reb
Just sending you and your embies some more     .  PS: even the longest long shots have been known to work.  

Ellie


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thanks Ellie. Every time I read your signature I smile and your   really does make a huge difference, thank you. It's funny how 2ww used to me trying to rest, not lift too much stuff etc... And now carting round a toddler in and out of car seats and no time to stop. Much healthier I'm certain! Xx hope you and family are having lovely weekend, despite the rain.


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

We've actually got lots of snow here so have been out sledging - great fun!  Know what you mean about the 2ww with a little one - am sure it keeps the circulation going, which must be a good thing.  Just don't overdo anything.  


   

Ellie


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

How fab - enjoy it xx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Agh. 2ww madness. Just reading around and thinking how very unlikely this is to work. Ivf just never gets easier does it. 6 more (non) sleeps!!


----------



## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Hugs, hon.  On each of my cycles, I've had a crisis of confidence after the first week of the 2ww.  Just remember though - your embryos aren't that fussed about how you're feeling. So don't take your feelings as indicative of whether this cycle has worked or not.  your embryos will just be getting on and doing their job, regardless of whether you're feeling confident or not.  Good luck getting through the next few days.  It's horrible, the 2ww.


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Reb,
Hanging there.. Like Vec says.. it is the horrible 2WWW.. 
Thinking o fyou...     
You have booked the blood test?
Love. Kukixxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Hi Kuki. You so know how I feel. Scared of that single line and where to go from there. 
M is just so mad about babies right now too. Week 1 was okay but week 2 hope just starts to fade doesn't it. 
I really felt the implantation last time (stabbing) - nothing this time. 
No blood test. My doc just does first response sticks. Will test Monday.


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

2ww will always drive you mad!    hang in there - less than a week to go


----------



## yaya (Aug 17, 2010)

Try and stay away from google, Reb. It'll just drive you mad. Thinking of you


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Yaya - you are so right.  I'm starting to bore myself, which is good


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hi Reb

With my first BFP, I was so convinced that it hadn't worked that I decided well in advance of OTD that I was going to start on a major overhaul of the garden that day on the basis that if I wasn't going to have a baby I might as well have a nice garden. (We had just moved house and the overhaul was going to involve a lot of digging and heaving stuff around.)  I got up at the crack of dawn (hadn't been sleeping), and was about to go out and get started when I decided to do a test just in case, on account of the heavy digging I was planning....  On my 2ww when I got my 2nd BFP, I was also convinced it hadn't worked.  
The 2ww is absolutely awful but try to step away from Google    and pamper yourself as much as you can.

Lots of     

Ellie


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

True. True. I must admit I did test this morning but way too early be be anything other than ludicrous! That's the thing about buying a twin pack! I'll hold off until Sunday now.  Have you got a fun weekend planned? Xxx


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Oh you naughty, naughty girl  .  Make sure you keep the other test safely in its pack till OTD! We are hoping to get out in the snow again at the weekend with the wee ones.  Hope you and your LO have a nice time too.  PS: If OTD is the 20th, Sunday is too early to test again IMO - hang on in there and don't test too early.    

Ellie


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Yes I think it is a bit .... I assumed 2 weeks from et but consultant letter says 18th!!! Hope the snow holds out and sun shines!! M just gone off for lunchtime nap - hurray!


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Reb,
Enjoy the lunch time nap. That is what I am doing. Well not enjoying as such but packing. We are off to Essex. Running away from this madnes.. Me and the girls going to Tom's parent's house in Essex. We love it in there.. Tom will try to finish the kitchen as much as he can when we are out of way.. Sick of living like this.. oh it has been hard. 
But nothing like 2WW.. I have ti with passion.. 3 more sleeps.. I will log in and check.. Will try to log in tomorrow. Hopefully laptop will work wiht no probs.
Now mroe packing.. Got to pack some dvds for Lara.. 
Love to you two.. Mxxxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Kuki - enjoy ehe escape. It's another bfn today (I know I said Sunday) which tbh does make me think it's game over. Wish I knew for sure so I could enjoy (aka drink at) the weekend. Xxx


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Reb no! Step away from the pee sticks!! You know it's too early


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

I know it's too early to stop the drugs and crack open the wine but I don't in my heart believe it's too early to see two lines if I was going to


----------



## yaya (Aug 17, 2010)

Reb, hun, you know it's too early. I've seen lots of posts from people who got a BFN the day before OTD -- then a BFP on OTD. Try to wait until Monday before testing again


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Oh dear. Not a good Sunday. The test was negative and consultant said stop drugs and wean off steroids. 
And my partner of 8 years left me because family life isn't what he wants (he never said he did tbh but he did try). Thank goodness for my lovely boy xx


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

reb so sorry to hear that


----------



## yaya (Aug 17, 2010)

Oh Reb, I'm so sorry.       

I know you and DP have had your ups and downs -- do you think there's any way back for you?


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Oh god, Reb, how awful       so so sorry on all counts xxxxxx


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Oh Darling Reb,
       Please be strong. Maybe it is a blessing.. Of course very sad but it will get better. 

I am very very sorry.. Goodness just a very difficult time. Wish I was closer to give you a proper cuddle. Mxxxxx


----------



## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Reb I'm so so sorry to hear your news...   . It's so hard all this IVF stuff!
It's even harder when you are on your own...I hope you have some good friends that offer some comfort and of course your beautiful DS.
xxxA


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thanks girls.


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Reb
I am so, so sorry about your BFN and also about your DP.      Everything must be so raw but things will get start getting better in time.  Make sure you get lots and lots of cuddles from your LO.  Wish I could give you some too.      Keep posting here if it helps.

Ellie


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Reb,
Hope you are a bit better today? Thinking of you.
Mxxx


----------



## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Reb, I'm sorry to hear about your partner leaving you and of course for your BFN.  I really don't know what to say, I'm stuck for words....sorry xx


----------



## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Oh Reb' I'm so sorry xxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Thank you very much girls    Yaya - yes he definitely struggles with the whole IVF thing and it's not the first time he's freaked out during a treatment.  He is having a terrible time at the moment as his Mum has just been diagnosed with brain tumour, IVF is a real stress for us (as it's the whole donor thing etc.. so it is very undermining) and he really didn't want me to do it again - though i think he would have totally loved it if it had worked as he adores my son.  I'd be amazed if he can leave my son even if he can't stand me right now....And anyway - as you know once you've had a miracle you feel like you've won the lottery and whatever happens you just can't be sad when you get home and a smiley face has learned yellow and purple!  KandyKane I always like your signature - it's just how I feel.


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

IVF is just a testing on anybody.. It changes you and shapes and tires you.. 
I am so very sorry that we have to go thourgh this in life.
Big hugss     
Love. Kukixxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Hi Kuki - how's it all going with the kitchen?  When will it be ready; exciting!


So .... Finally the witch is here.  Better for that as kept wondering if I just might be pg as had pokey pains etc... Onwards and upwards.  Time to lose weight and stop buying multipacks of First Response   .  Seeing DP this weekend so hopefully will resolve some stuff.  


Hope everyone else is v well


xxxx


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Reb,
Good luck for the weekend.
Sending huge hugs    

I am at parents in Essex. Tom is doing all the work at nights. I know.. He is mad. Tiling is getting done as I write apperantly. Floor tiling. As I don't want any tiles on the walls. I will get buy something else. But will do it in next week. We are going back home on sunday. We see how it looks and how much more we need to get done. I know it is very sad but I am excited. We have waiting to do this work since 2005. All our money used to go to IVF since than. Never had enough money to spend on the flat.. 
I want to change the rooms around but won't get done till summer or even after summer. All depends Sasha's sleeping habits.. So far not great..But she is still too young. 7 days time she will be 6 months old.. She is a total darling..

I hope you will be a lot lighter by the end of weekend.

Thinking of you..   

Kukixxx


----------



## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

ha! unlikely lighter after the fat curry I've just polished off -    - I'm not surprised you are excited re house, sounds fantastic and fun to be able to have a life without IVF costs finally.  Tom is so good - and clever to be able to tile - quite hard no?  How's Lara? Loving being with Grandparents? I'll have to come and visit soon and see her and Sasha.  I will...... Sending you lots of love.  RXX


----------

