# Need a little help and advice



## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Hiya!
How do I start my long story....well have been active on the endo-page due to having severe endo. Down below U can read all DH and I have been through. Thought we had settled down, having a break from IVF treatments, life was on the up, landed a new job recently...then all of a sudden life changes for us again. All of U know struggling with infertility is not easy but that my endo could cause so much rupture to our lives....
My name is Samantha, british, but live in the souh of Sweden. Have lived in Sweden for 25 years. DH and I have been going out with eachother for almost 17 years, married for almost 5 years.
This is my recent story coping with infertility caused my severe endo....
Dh and I have had a break from IVF since march 2005. Been thnking of planing for a new treatment but we need a longer break, we have changed our lifstyle, just enjoying life. The past summer been having trouble with messy periods..(nothing new due to endo), went to my doc, everything ok according to her.
One month after severe backpain during period, I related it to endopain..the pain past but I kept feeling bloated, put on about 4-5 kg in a week...thankfully I work at our local hospital at the department of medicine so my endocrinologist took some bloodsamples, my kidneylevels were sky high! He reffered me for a CT-scan that showed hydronefrosis, left kidneyfaliure due to post renal blockage in/on both of my uethras. The backpain I have been having is my kidneys giving me signs to say....somethings wrong. Trying to sum everything up. been into hospital three times the past month to keep my right kidney ok, have now a nefrostomi until my op on the 14 th of november.
On op is going to be a long one...to stop my endo causing more trouble to my vital organs I having a hysterectomi+ovarys out. My left ovary is badly stuck to my bowels, they are also going to take away all the endo but also fix my right uethra so my right kidney can work normaly. So three surgeons ar going to operate on me, gyno, urologist and a gastrospecialist.

How do I accept all this?.....have so many questions in my head. Where do we go from here? Thank god my mum is over during my op(she recently moved back to England) and also next week a dear cousin and her DH are visiting to support us before my op.

Life is strange.....
Thank U all for letting me tell my story!
Lots of love and warm hugs
SwedenSam (Samantha)


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Samantha,

That is one hellish story, but I am glad you've told us here so we can support you too.  

You ask how you can accept all of this. If I only had a soundbite answer that caused a lightbulb moment that could bring your relief, I would gladly give it to you, but I think we girls here know it doesn't work that way. But, I do know that there are still moments of happiness and contentment inbetween the brokenheartedness and the anger. It's a cliche and a platitude but 'one day at a time' really does apply here. 

Rant as often as you need to, ask us for help as much as you require, and it will always be forthcoming - I reckon that apart from the very small hours of the night - and sometimes even then - there is always one of us online....

Take of you and your hubby, 

Remember we're here, 

Leoarna x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

HI Samantha

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all you've been through and I hope your op on the 14th goes well, I'm glad you'll have your Mum around to help you through.

You've got so much to deal with, it's no wonder your head is spinning with questions. I'm a bit rubbish with words of wisdom, I tend to leave that to the other ladies who are better at it then I so I'll just say welcome and good luck.

flipper


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Sam

What an awful lot you have been through.

You have come to a really 'kind' place here - everyone is really genuine and knows what emotional pain infertility can cause.  You of course have the added added pain from your condition which sounds just dreadful. 

Our thoughts are with you for your op on the 14th.  You take care of yourself.

Pipkin x


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Sam
I'm new here too.
What a terrible, terrible time you have had.
At the moment you will be feeling really physically unwell with your kidney function not being good. 
You need to be very kind to yourself and just take one day at a time and let yourself get physically better.
Don't expect to much of yourself in terms of resolving what has happened in a small space of time. Give yourself time. Just let yourself be and cry if you need to. 
I'm from New Zealand so I'm often here in the middle of a European night.

With lots of love from "Down Under"


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Sam,

Firstly, can I say, "Welcome to this board".  Its truly fantastic, a place you can come to 24/7 and be guaranteed support from some fanastic girls.

Well....... you must be one hell of a strong lady to have come through all of that hun.  I am so sorry you're having to go through all of this worry and physical pain on top of trying to deal with the IF.

You mentioned "how do I deal with this, I have so many questions"........ has your hospital offered you any support at all, any counselling or anything?  This is a hell of alot to take in never mind try and deal with?  This sounds like major, major surgery.  Perhaps it would be worthwhile as a starting point, making an appointment to try and speak to all 3 of the surgeons individually before your surgery.  Maybe you've already done this?  I just feel this is too much to go through if you still have many unanswered questions.  

Regarding the long term, well your physical recovery will, I imagine be your main priority after your surgery.  You will need to gather all the strength you can in order to look to the future and look at other options if this is how you feel.  As Emma and Leoarna have already said, I think you absolutely need to take things one day at a time here.  Try not to look forward and don't look back either.

I really think you need to focus on gathering your strength and recovering fully from this operation before even beginning to think about anything else.  I think if you can, find out what resources your hospital can offer in terms of pre-op and post-op support.  It sounds like you already have good support from your Mum and other family members so please, please, make the most of this, both physically as well as emotionally.

What you are going through is huge huni, please just take things slowly and look after yourself,
We will all be here for you before, during and after the op to offer you all the emotional support we can.

I'm glad you found us ...........
Talk soon hopefully
All my love 
Gill xo


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## ♥Meerkat♥ (Nov 14, 2005)

Hi Sam

What a terrible journey you have had to experience - I am sorry you have suffered so much pain.  

Good luck for your operation on the 14th and best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Focus all your energy on your recuperation and when you have mustered your strength you can start thinking about your next steps.  One step at a time.

Glad to hear that you've got the support of your mum, DH and cousin.

Take care and let us know how it goes.
Will be thinking of you on the 14th
Very best wishes and lots of love
Meerkat xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Sam
I would like to reiterate along with the rest of the girls on here, at how sorry i am to hear the trauma that you are going through at this present moment..
It sounds by your history that you hand your partner have expereinced alot of disappointment and pain over the years with IF. This always saddens me to read such heart rending posts, because i have every bit of empathy for your sadness and disappointents..
I have to agree with Emma, having problems with your kidneys will genuinely make you feel very ill and very low. On top of everything else you are dealing with such a huge operation, that must be frightening enough for you!!!I am so glad that your family are playing a big part and will be there to share these worries with you over the next month or so...
I am not sure what to say as i don't want too sound patronising, because i have never been through what you have....but i think ultimately the operation is something that you have to deal with first. The next stage is finding the strength to make some form of recovery ...
I apprieciate that IF will always be at the forefront of your mind, but you need to get your strength up for your pending operation to then start dealing with it..
I am sure you have a mixture of emotions, some that i would not even begin to imagine...but be kind on yourself Sam life has been tough on you....but you sound as if you are strong and this will shine through somewhere i am sure...
You know where we are.....and i hope that you can find something from these postings to help you through your difficult time...
Thinking of you!!!
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Sam xxx

I too am so sorry to see you are going through and what you have been through. Its heartbreaking to read    You have been through so much, this latest turn of events must seem so hellish and surreal for you. You seem to be going through lots of different hurts about different things no wonder your head is in a spin - I think anybody in your position would not know what to think next. Its like you are being bombarded from all directions at the moment.

I think the other ladies have given some sound advice about getting through one thing at a time as it comes to you - we are here to listen and talk to you. We may all have found this place for different reasons but I can honestly say everyone is so supportive and non-judgemental and we do understand in our own ways the devastation IF can bring.

Sending you very gentle hugs and holding you close
You take care sweetheart
Love,
Emcee xxx


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## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Hiya my friends !

After reading your messages you have all brightened up my day! I have been seeing a counseller through out our journey. Just trying to get my head around how endo can get a grip of your body. The past 1½ year I have lived by Dian Mills book Endometriosis thinking it will give me selfhelp and strength. That it can be so deveous. Then the loss of not having biological children....We have embryos at our fertility clinic, would realy go for surrogaccy but not leagal in Sweden. We have sligtly been talking about fostering or adoption.
Just want to get through the op. We have booked to go to thailand in the end of january som realy hoping the op goes ok. Seen two of the surgeons during my the past visits at the hospital Going to see them again next monday, the day befor my op.

Like I said feeling a bit more cheerfull today, especially after reading all of your nice written words. Well it is windy and cold in the south of Sweden today....dont realy want to  go aout but have to do a bit of shopping. Of from work until the op, then of at least another month after the op. Going in to visit work tomorrow.

Hope U all have nice day, will talk to U soon! Take care!
Lots of love and wam hugs Samantha


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Sam
Sorry I have come to this thread a little late. I just wanted to offer my support to you in what must be an incredibly difficult period. I'm so sorry to hear of all you've been through, and your impending operation. You sound like such a brave lady and I really do wish you all the very best. Its great that you have been talking things through with your dh. I can only echo what the other girls have said re taking it one step at a time - and remember you can always come here and 'talk'
Very best wishes and lots of love,
ruby xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Sweden sam. I remember your name from reading other boards. I am so sorry also for all you have been thru - i hope you find some peace and answers. I would try and advise more but i am not in a great place at the moment myself.Take care xxx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Hi Sam

Just read your post you have certainty been through the mill.  I am sorry that you have had to go through so much pain, wishing you all the best for your op on the 14th.  There is so much to take in, and it must seem over whelming, but one day at a time.
Thinking of you,

Jane x


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## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Hiya!

Thank U all for all of your support and kind helping words!  Really feeling much chearfull to chat to U all, on the many other pages its all focus on getting preggy, symptoms etc...just not up to all that at the moment 
Been thinking and crying during doing my ironing today....dealing and healing each day...thank god I have found yoga and meditation to keep me focused...almost focused..Well its getting late, have to phone my dear cousin and her DH who is visiting us for the weekend.

Will try and write a few lines to say Hi and how I am doing. Hope to get to know U all, hope we can support eachother in every best way we can.


Take care my friends!
   
SwedenSam (Samantha)


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## aussiegirl (Oct 20, 2004)

Sam
Not sure you will receive this before you go in for your op but i am sending you lots of thoughts, hugs and   that the op will go well and that you will be on your feet in no time. You sound one brave lady and you're doing the right thing having support around you at this time. Will be thinking of you and hope to hear from you once you are up to writing.
Lots of love and god luck
Andreax


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## Alix (Apr 11, 2006)

Hi Sam,
Just a little good luck wish for you   honey.
We'll all be thinking of you. Sending you a massive  .
Lots of love
Alix
xxx


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## sunday (Aug 20, 2006)

Hi Sam. Sending you lots of luck and warm wishes + hugs. You are so brave and I have the feeling from your posts, that you are one very strong woman. 

Life is one strange journey, and I suppose we have to trust somehow in the way. Go through all the feelings, no matter what they are, and know that there are many good vibrations in the air and lots of people rooting for you. Warm wishes + love.

Sunday


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## Caddy (Feb 14, 2006)

Sam!

Just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow. Let us know how it all goes. All us endo girls will be thinking of you.   

Lots of love,
Caddy x


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Sam,
Just read your post. Sorry if my reply is a little late. Just wanted to re-iterate what everyone else has said, and that your operation is as straightforward-as-can-be, with a smooth recovery.
Thinking of you and sending you big hugs  

pp xxx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi sam am just wishing u lots of luck for your op today really   

Kate xxx


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## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

dear Sam, 

I am so truly sorry for all that you've been thru. And as I look at your picture you are such a beautiful person. I deeply touched and terribly sorry for this situation. 
I do want you to know that in the US surrogacy is a widely accepted practice and I pray with some luck and much strength that you are able to have your own baby someday. 

You will be in my prayers and thoughts I pray you have a speedy recovery. Sending you many warm cyber hugs!  

A-


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## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Hiya!

Thank you all for your support and kind words due to my op. I pulled through! I have never been so nervous in my life. When DH and mum left me in pre-op I thought I would never see them again. I cried on the operating table, just before the pumping me with drugs. The operating team was ever so nice and kind, but......no one can take away that feeling.

I strangley look down on my scarr trying to get my head around everthing....physichally I am recovering every day that passes, but mentally.....I dont think I will recover 100% (I am in tears just writing theses words to you all.)
Some days are better than others  

How do DH and I carry on from here, one day I´m sad and crying, the next angry and frustrated, the next it feels like just an ordinary day
I wish I could turn back time and make my situation undone but I can´t.

Hoping U all are ok and U all are in my thoughts. I will write back soon my friends!
Wish to be a part of your friendship. read astrid mail about her workshop - just good to be around people who know how I feel. The next step is to axcept and to move on as good as DH an I can. Would realy like some advice how you all have done.


Lots of love
Samantha


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Samantha
I really do not know what to say!!! i just really feal for you and i cannot understand why some people (especially the good ones) have to go through these most difficult and life changing events. I do not want to sound patronising because i am not sure about the words that can be offered to you. All i can think of is it must be a huge and devastating loss. The pressure that you must be under must be overwhelming. I can see that you have a very supportive lovely hubby and family.
You know where we are. Whatever you want to express and say, we will be there to help support you along your journey. Thinking of you!!
Lots of love astridxxx

P.s You are a beautiful person, the wedding picture is stunning.xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Sam   so good to 'see' you, thanks for letting us know how you are getting on.

My heart goes out to you for what you have been through and what you are going through. I hope that you aren't in too much discomfort and pain at the moment.

Take care lovely lady

Love & gentle hugs to you from me.
Emcee xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Sam,

I'm so glad you feel you're slowly recovering physically.  All i can say is, the mental healing is another thing completely.  I'm so sorry you're feeling so raw and hurting so deeply just now.  It is only natural.  Please don't be too hard on yourself, this is a HUGE and absolutely devastating loss and I doubt you will ever "get over it", but hopefully, in time, find your own way to live with it........ and hopefully, find peace one day.  Like Astrid says, I don't want to patronise you, I'm sure you already know this is going to take a long time and won't be easy, but at least you have all of us here.  You are NOT isolated, you are NOT alone, and maybe with the help of Meredith and the girls on here, your journey will be a little easier, albeit still painful.

I am sending you all the squeeziest hugs in the world.  Please be gentle on yourself.  You need to allow time to start the emotional wounds healing as well as the physical ones...... I just wish I knew how to tell you to do that hun.

We are all here for you any time, please come to  us .....
all my love
gill xo


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## ♥ Angels ♥ (Aug 10, 2006)

Hiya Samantha









I know we have kept in touch throughout by email, 
just to say hi and we are all here for you and Denny.








Looking forward to seeing you in December









Take Care my friend

Love Em XXX


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## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Hi!
Thank U all so for the most kind words.....you are all so nice and loving friends. It feels so good to have U all to talk to making moments of the day feeling a bit better. At the moment I am having a good day.  
there are no words that feel patronising because in one way or another we are in the same boat, my lifeboat just turned in to an earlier harbour than carrying on to DH and my planned destination. One day, either having biological children, adopting, fostering, being a stepparent, living with just the love of ones live, we will all find happiness . Some days will feel like its so far away....buts thats the way it is....
Some times I would like to make people stop stressing about and enjoy life....to just sit back at inhale life, if its just over a nice cuppa or cheese and wine....just enjoy...

Hope to share many moments with U all so we can all cope together. 

Looking so forward to see you and your DH Em, nice to know that you are angels12. Hope U are feeling better. Talk to U soon over e-mail so we can plan to meet up at christmas. Denny is looking forward to see you both!   

Take care my friends! 
Lots of love Samantha (SwedenSam)


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hope you are feeling ok sam. Hve been off the board for a few days so only getting to this now. Take care and we will be here when you need to "talk" xxxx


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