# How do I encourage DD to play on her own



## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hello everyone, 


My gorgeous baby girl has been home for 7 months now and is now 17 months old.  Our attachment has been brilliant as she was very dependant on me when she came home.  She is a bright happy little girl but I'm getting a bit concerned that she hasn't gained the ability to play by herself yet. 


I know she still has a short attention span but some days she just seems to spend most of the time just 'pottering around' and not really getting into anything.  She follows me around the house like a shadow and only seems interested in reading books.  


I attend a mother and toddler group on a Friday but I spend most of the time being dragged around the room.  She doesn't seem to want to sit and play with anything, she prefers to wander aimlessly with an object in her mouth and a Mummy in her hand!  It's great that she wants to be close to me, but it's exhausting and I'm worried about her social development.


I've tried setting up various 'games' using actual toys, household objects, crayons, role play but nothing to seems to pique her interest.  I'm not sure whether this is a 'normal' issue or 'adoption related' issue (I wish children came with manuals!).  Perhaps I am doing something wrong, after all I've never been a Mummy before!  ...either way I would be most grateful for any ideas or comments please?


Thanks


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

I think this sounds quite normal but don't have an adoption perspective. My son has only really started involved play on his own in last 6 months and he's 2 3/4 at 17-18 months he went through an incredibly clingy phase where I literally couldn't leave the room. 
I don't think their attention spans are v long for anything. One activity that he did and still does like is pouring and playing with pasta rice etc. I mixed up a load and he would tip spoon it from pot to pot etc. 
he also liked things like watering plants ( not so good in winter I know) playing with saucepans s d spoons also good- or having a cupboard in kitchen they can unpack. My friends little one spent hours moving tins! 
Also like putting things in and out of bags and baskets- ikea do some good ones.
Hope that's helpful
Livity
Ps we also read a lot of books and still do!


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi there, totally agree with Livity. Our Lo is 2 and 3/4 and is the same!! ...I think it is still rather early for them to play solely on their own any earlier. I really wouldn't worry. The attachment is the main thing and you've got that! You aren't doing ANYTHING wrong - She's just not ready would be my guess - again I am no Guru!


Mummy Noodles xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

I totally agree with the others. Our lo has been home now for 8 months and has a good attachment, she is 2 3/4 yrs and goes to nursery 3 mornings a week (2.5 hrs) even though she does play on her own now, this is mainly emptying and filling bowls ,pots or what ever she can fill. In the first few months she did have a very short attention span and still does, even though she is better than what she was. Your lo is only 17 months, so my opinion and it is only mine , I think your lo is showing normal toddler behaviour.

.xxSkyblu


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My LO is 16 months and does play on her own, BUT this was introduced by her FC I'm guessing from an early age. Our LO is a very happy soul and her FC advised if she gets grumpy and it's not teeth / tiredness etc, to 'pop her on her own to play for a bit'. The FC used a travel cot with toys in. When she first came home we just carried this on and now the lounge is her playroom so from time to time I can let her play alone, like if I'm washing all the floors or taking in an online shopping delivery and don't want her clambering in all the bags. Most of the time I sit in with her but redirect her to solo play, but if I need to get something done I put on one of her DVDs - either Oxbridge Baby or Sing and Sign (we've been teaching her sign language for some time) and quite often I can let her get on with it. I do have a big advantage though in that we've set up a video camera in the lounge so I can be out of sight and watching her on the iPad the whole time and reappear if I need to.

I've read a lot about solo play and they basically recommend you get them used to doing solo activities with you sat nearby but not engaging for say 5 minutes then build it up. One thing that's tough is you have to allow them to get a bit whiny or frustrated and power through....I found this very hard at first as whining just drives me crazy, but given at her age they're often whining anyway, I learned to switch off a bit. From what I've read solo play is very important as they learn through self-discovery how things work and feel and the noises they make...hence they are usually far more interested in the contents of your handbag or a drawer than any toy you might produce. My LO loves driving cars along the top of the radiator as it makes a lovely clunking noise; she discovered it on her own, and I could give a million other examples. They generally say you can't expect a child of that age to manage more than 15 minutes solo play, but my LO has managed a lot more and as soon as she's had enough we move on. I go out with her A LOT so she's usually very happy to play alone at home because I tend to do it either just after breakfast whilst I'm tidying up (either in her playroom or just trotting around the downstairs emptying drawers and pushing things around) or when we get back from somewhere later in the day.

I have really encouraged solo play (and went through long periods of guilt about it) because she is very happy to amuse herself (unless Daddy is around) and I've got another baby coming next week; I always knew I'd have two therefore didn't want my LO to see me as her entertainer / all day playmate because when our 5 month old joins us, there will simply be times when I haven't got the energy or ability to entertain her and I also know within a few months they will be each other's number one playmate and I'll be shunted anyway  

All I'd say is if you want her to learn to play alone without involving you, build it up slowly, a few minutes at a time and perhaps start with something she will be fascinated by (a plastic bowl and wooden spoon usually does the trick!). 

x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Our LO is 23mths and been home now for a year -he's only just started to use imagination and play more confidently. He'll now go off when we enter a playroom/ soft play area but if he loses sight of me or can't find me when he wants then we're back to square one. This is with lots of children around. If it's a place with lots of adults he clings on for dear life and if we're out shopping and a stranger tries to talk to him he'll raise his hand to try and hit them. (not a bad response in my opinion!!!) 
He's still very clingy overall and now he's talking lots we get a lot of 'Daddy 'elp! Mummy 'elp!' because he doesn't want to play independently.

Having said that, when he's tired or really grumpy, he often needs some alone time in his buggy/room just to de-sress and calm down. 10 mins usually does it.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I think she sounds fine!   Good job, mummy.    Our Bug has only really started playing on his own relatively recently (he was just three) and I got all excited because on Saturday he settled and played with Daddy at Scalextric for well over an hour without flagging - which is very unlike him!  

And I'd never be bothered if she's really interested in books.  All the signs are that's a great indicator of how she'll do later on.    Personally I'd still be developing playing with you skills, like scribbling, pasta play, water play, singing songs and action rhymes for a while.  And - shoot me - I'd use DVDs or CBeebies if I needed to get something done.


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## doodles4 (Jun 13, 2005)

Hi Bunnyface, I had a little chuckle when I read the title of your thread.  I'm afraid I can't really help with toddlers as I've never had one.  My DD is now 7 (we've had her for nearly 2 years now) and she still follows me & DH round house and doesn't choose to play on her own.  She'd much rather be doing an activity with us.  The only time she sits on her own is watching TV, that's when I get my chores done.  Yes it drives me demented at times as I think she should be able to occupy herself, there are certainly plenty toys etc. to play with, but I think some children are just like that.  I suppose we should cherish this time as when they reach teenage years they'll lock themselves in their bedrooms and we'll be moaning we never see them!
It doesn't sound as if our DH is doing anything other than being normal - good luck x


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi,
I agree, it's very young to be playing by yourself for a sustained time. My youngest was incredibly clingy at 18months also so perhaps not the best time to work on it?

I think if you can start to get your lo to play with you - doing a puzzle, a drawing, play doh etc for a few minutes at a time you'll be developing her concentration. Then eventually she'll be able to do those things by herself. With my teacher hat on I would also add that children need to be taught how to play - at school we used to go in the role play area and model how to play in there for the children. With my two at home I'm always showing them how they could use a new toy - baby dolls for Christmas, so I'm currently doing mlots of bathing, changing, cuddling etc. They soon get the hang of it and go off with their own ideas. The babies came to watch us have lunch the other day as we were mid game!

Don't worry, sounds like you have a happy lo who loves you


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Thanks everyone for your replies.  It seems that some LOs can manage sole play on their own from an early age and others can't. 

My DD is now 20 months and although she plays brilliantly at 'mums and tots' groups now (and comes back to Mummy for cuddles every so often) she still struggles to entertain herself at home.  However she will be going to nursery for one day a week in March and I am hoping this will help to develop her independence further.

Crusoe - as I explained in my initial post, DD is my first child and I'm new to this.  However I've known other children of her age to play on their own for short periods and therefore I don't think my expectations are 'unrealistic'.  Thanks for your reply though.


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Hi Bunny Face   


I would actually agree with your comment that some children can play on their own from an early age; both of mine do. DD is one and a bit, and DS is five. She loves being read to, but will happily spent at least 15mins pulling books from her drawer and "reading". Her toys are packed in assorted boxes, and I rotate which one I open for her to tip out and explore! She also loves sneaking into DS' room and "brrrming" his toys around his garage. He has always loved little figures, and from an early age had a great imagination and made up games with first Happyland, Playmobil and now Lego - which he disappears into the playroom with for ages!


The only suggestion I would have is what you're doing -setting up things for her - and perhaps as Mummy Elf says, sit nearby or show her what to do, and then gradually move away, or be busy yourself, folding washing etc.


Good luck!


Peacelily xx


PS. How is her sleeping going? I'm sure you posted something about this or am I going   !


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Our DS goes through phases of being able to play on his own and phases of not. TBH he was better at it at 18mths than he is now 8mths later! I like 
Peacelily and Mummy Elf's suggestions though!


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

As with everything else, each child is different.

My 3 year old is my shadow, in play, cooking, cleaning etc etc. But she is getting better at wanting to play in her room!  It wont be long before you're wishing that your LO will play with you again, enjoy it xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Bunny my DD is now 18 months and having pushed on with solo play she happily plays for an hour (yes an hour) every morning; she empties out her wicker basket of toys and books (I try to rotate them) and is fine. I pop in a drink etc and chat to her and respond when she needs me but it's my only time in the day to get dinner prepped, the kitchen cleaned and tidied and any other chores done (hoovering etc) before we go off somewhere. The other day we weren't going out as plans were cancelled so she sat in her booster chair at the kitchen table colouring whilst I got dinner on. All I would say is persevere if solo play is important to you. For some mums it isn't, for me it is. She minded at first but honestly she enjoys it now! I was complimented at playgroup last week by another mum who said she was impressed at how confident and independent she is, she had bowled over to make friends with her little girl and play with her. She used to not leave my side but now she's off and dashing up slides, in little cars etc as soon as we arrive. There's nothing wrong about encouraging it but encouraging it is the key - I know I could easily have a clingy DD if I had not done this, and again, nothing at all wrong with that but in one so little I tend to think learning to be independent with the safety net of mum close by is the best possible scenario and the kindest.

Having said that I am a very structured mum and do set my eye on the goal and keep going until I get there and I do have the advantage of having two very young kids who can be 'moulded' for want of a better word into how our family works.

Keep going, it is possible (and to advocate the dreaded television, putting this on in the background with a carefully chosen programme is a good way to distract whilst they learn to play alone... I refuse to feel guilty about this as otherwise I would go potty and be living in a grubby house without the distraction of Mr Tumble at times, God bless him! You get to have needs to!) x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I'd echo what everyone else says - it's only in the last 6 months or so (he's just turned 2) that it's been OK to let little boy wander around a bit downstairs on his own, and be confident he'll actually be playing rather than just climbing or reaching things he's not allowed.

Short periods on their own can be very short and what we find is he's much happier pottering about, building a tower, pushing his dolly in his pram, pushing his cars across the floor, if you are there saying "wow, look at that" "gosh, that's clever" and repeating back what he's saying, than if you aren't in the room.


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Thank you so much for your positive responses and suggestions. I really want to encourage solo play so I'll persevere. Santa was very generous this year and bought DD lots of role play toys and a ridiculous amount of 'happy land' and I keep showing her how to play with them and then sitting back and watching. 

If she can play by herself at groups then I know I just need to find something that will keep her entertained at home.

Peace Lilly- her sleeping was going really well but then she had a few illnesses in a short space of time in October and since then she's been very unsettled. She goes to sleep really well but can wake a number of times in the night. 

We seem to have regressed slightly with sleep but we're not sure what to do about it!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Some kids will play on their own, some won't.  I'm just aiming for getting my kids to play semi-independently, i.e. with me in the room and chatting to them and some limited interaction, but doing something else.  Some kids are just too insecure to be taught to do this very easily, and trying too hard/insisting they play can really lead to a big battle, but teaching and modelling good play can really help.  At 20 months old Wyxling couldn't play with me right there in the room playing with her, let alone on her own.  Wyxilng is 3 now, and is just getting to the stage where sometimes she can play independently of me, but I certainly couldn't leave her on her own and walk off.  She plays on her own at nursery, and is quite capable of playing, but she is simply too insecure to leave Mummy alone for, well, 20 seconds even some days.  I do have a constant "Mummy, look... "Mummy, can I.... ?" and "Mummy, can you...?" but if I keep chatting to her I can encourage her to play most days.  Sometimes she is starting to go off on her own and play, but even though she wants to - I have no problem with her going upstairs to play while I'm downstairs as long as I'm sure of her mood - she finds it hard and except on very good days, still needs to check in.  My son, at 10 months old in foster care, was very happy to play with his toys for a considerable amount of time as long as someone was in the room.  He will do this at home for Daddy, but not for me.  If I am there, I am required.  Again, it's an insecurity thing I am sure and no amount of "training" is going to get him out of it in the immediate future, so I just accept it.  Again, I try to model good play, but he's a bit young for real imaginative play other than the very basics - he'll pour me a cup of tea, launch his rocket - so mostly it's trying to engage him in something and half playing/half tidying.  He's really struggling at the moment though, if I am not sat with him he will absolutely not do anything except be deliberately naughty.

It's really tough sometimes, and over time they are both learning to play better.  I find the more thrilled I can look to see my children's sulky faces appearing at the stairgate for the millionth time while I'm trying to get dinner ready, the more likely they are to wander off and do something else.  If they get even a hint that I am pushing them away they can both sit and sulk/misbehave there indefinitely!


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