# Single and scared. Can I really do this again or is it just not meant to be?



## purpleemma (Aug 3, 2016)

Back in July, I finally accepted that I wasn't going to be meet Mr Right, but desperately wanting to be a mum. I went along to a fertility clinic and I had the scan and AMH done. I was totally devastated to learn my AMH was 0.2 and I was likely going through the menopause, despite being only 39. My mum didn't get hers until late 40's, so I had wrongly assumed I would be the same. My DR told me I only had a 5% chance of IVF working 

After a month of not accepting it (and seeking several second opinions), confusion over the timeline for donor sperm and having to go on the pill to get my period to come, I eventually had my first IVF cycle in December.  I responded slightly better than expected and had four follicles, but in the end they only got two eggs, but I was told they were high quality. Both fertilised and because I only wanted one embryo transferred I went for a day 5 transfer. On day 5, neither had become a blastocyst, so I made the hard decision to wait till the next day - one embryo became an early blastocyst and was transferred back into me and the other had stopped developing, so couldn't be frozen.

After months of knowing it was unlikely to work, people told me that I now had a 30% chance of success. However on Boxing Day I got my negative result and a couple of days later I got my period.

At first I thought I was ok, but now I have started to feel sadder and sadder & scared too. I have good friends who are there to support me, but I am finding it much tougher than I thought. Well meaning things people say make me angry (I am not normally an angry) person and I feel like I am losing hope of being a mum.

It is a hard thing to do on your own and I am frightened given my low AMH there may be no point in trying again. I can save and make it possible financially, but I am not sure if I am just kidding myself.  

I know no-one can tell me what to do, but with no partner to talk it through with, I felt I had to write this post. I don't want to give up this easily, but the sadness, the feeling of failure and loneliness is worse than I expected.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Awh Emma 
It's hard to get your thinking straight when you don't have a partner to talk things through.  Your emotions will be all over the place after IVF because of the hormones coming crashing down. 

I found it easier to climb out of the depth of sadness by having another plan to work towards. 
My advice would be to take some time to think things through and see if you can answer this essential question; what's more important having a child or having a genetic child?  I hope this will allow you to see a way forward for if you would consider  double donor then it opens up so more chances for you to become a mum. 

Do look at Tandem Cycle abroad if you would like to give your own eggs another chance with a donor as back up. 

It's tough on your own. 
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 
TCCx


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

I really do feel for you and I've been there! It is a big decision no doubt about it! I was always hoping to meet the right guy, but this never happened and really wanted to become a mum! I finally went for it and used double donation. I had been told at my age when I started treatment (45 although still having periods) I had 5 % chance of success, so it was a no brainer when funds were scarce. I went straight to DD at one UK clinic, but had a fresh and then a frozen cycle, both BFNs. This was a shock as we assume that DE means success, but not always! I only got 2 embryos. I took stock, had a break, even considered applying for a course to try and get some career progression, but in the end didn't get to do this, as had tried a further DD cycle at a different clinic, and if this had not worked, was going to apply. I needed to focus on other positive things I could do if I couldn't become a mum. I was also considering adoption, but aware that as an older single mum, I would most likely not be offered a baby, would probably be offered a child with problems! I wanted to experience pregnancy and giving birth as well as having a new born.
I tried again about a year later and this time with DD, got 4 blastocysts. I had one implanted in a fresh cycle and gave birth to DS in 2014, he's now 2. I was lucky enough to get 3 blasts frozen. I had another cycle, this time FET and gave birth to DD in October, she's now 10 weeks old and my beautiful Ice Princess. I am so happy to be a mum and don't have an issue with DE. I think about it at times, mainly when debating how to discuss it with DS, but most of the time, I just think of them as my children. After all, I bonded with them as embryos and now it's me they smile at! Read up on epigenetics- it's amazing to think that we can influence how they develop. One article I read said that the donor gives you a few cells, the embryo takes our tissue to develop and grow .... I have 2 frosties in storage and am even considering going again next year ... we'll see.
Deb


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Love my boys to bits but both have lots of issues and used my own eggs (problems related to prematurity and genetic both factors) I do wonder if DE may have had a different outcome but i'll never know now so don't rule out DE as a possibility if you can x


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

purple - I concur with tincat - don't rule out DE. As well as the odds of it not working with my age, I was also concerned about higher risks of abnormalities, I realise DE doesn't guarantee no issues, but with younger donor, should be less risk of problems. Thankfully my two little ones are fine! 
Deb


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## Clara Rose (May 2, 2005)

Hi Purpleemma,

I agree with what the others have said. I would seriously consider double donation. I had twins through double donation aged 50 and I love those girls so much...there is no doubt that they are my babies! They have just started calling me Mum and it just melts my heart. They were conceived on my sixth and final cycle of IVF and sometimes I still can't believe that they are mine...I think I'm going to wake up and it will all be a dream! They are my miracle girls.  Don't give up, you still have plenty of options. 

Clara xx


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## KayC1977 (Jun 15, 2016)

Sorry to hear about your journey purpleemma - I totally understand what you say about people saying the wrong things - I told 7 people in my first IVF cycle (before I found FF!) and plan to tell no one in my next cycle!

It must be so difficult for you to make decisions and not have the support of a partner, but I'm sure you will make the right decisions for you.

I think the ladies who have commented on this have much more experience in this side of things so I'd suggest listening to them! Sounds like some amazing success stories 

Also, what is DE? I tried to find out and can't!!


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

DE is donor egg. . Tho sometimes people use DE  to refer to a donor embryo where a donor egg and sperm has been used to form an embryo also known as double donor or DD. . DD is also used for dear daughter.....confusing isn't it. 
TCCx


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## KayC1977 (Jun 15, 2016)

Haha thanks so much tincancat - yes I have realised that somethings mean more than one thing! Thought I had the hang of most of it until today!


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