# Back on forum after being shortly in heaven and now in hell...



## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Hi,
Sorry if it's a long one but I'm writing again after a long break. 

Last September I had my first ever BFP after my 4th IUI. Unfortunately, my second scan showed that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. I had an absolutely horrible experience in the scan room. The doctor wasn't telling me anything at first and only talking with her colleague, and from what I could understand I knew that something was not right. Finally she gave me the news. My husband fainted, I started crying, the woman hurt me with the ultrasound wand thingy, lets just say it was awful. And then she started telling me how it's not a big deal because she had trouble conceiving but now she has got twins. What do I care about her? All I knew was that there will be no baby... I was, still am, devastated. I was send home and told to wait for a m/c for 2 weeks. I felt dead inside. Those were the worst days in my life. The m/c didn't come so had to have another scan and 3 days after that a d&c. Just to make everything a little bit worse, after the procedure I was told to have a smear test, because the surgeon saw something he didn't like. Thanks to the stubborn and unhelpful GP and long waiting lists and after colposcopy and biopsy, only yesterday I found out that it's inflammation not cancer. 

This month I also had my long awaited first appointment in Homerton fertility clinic. I had a scan and was told my womb lining is too thin (oh God, what else?) and I need a water scan. After this, I don't think there is anything else they haven't had done to me already... 

So now I am waiting for my period (any day now), and after it's done, I need to use the antibacterial gel Zidoval I was given for inflammation, then have the water scan. Will I even be able to try naturally this month? I really am fed up with waiting. And in the meantime people around me get pregnant without any problems(recently my cousin). I just want to scream! I could really use a friend now. My DH tells me to stop researching everything on internet but how can I ? I want to know what is happening to me and if there is anything I could do to help myself.

I am sorry for the long post and the moan. I feel very down and wondering how else I could be punished... It's like I'm being kicked but I'm already on the ground.

Take care,

Aster


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## melloumaw (Feb 2, 2012)

just wanted to send hugs to you
mel x


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Thanks Mel.


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## MrsC76 (Oct 2, 2014)

Oh Aster, I am so so sorry you have had such an awful time recently. Sending you the biggest hug.  
Hang on in there lovely, life has to pick up at some point. Here if you need a friend xxx


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Thank you so much Mrsc76. I appreciate your kind words. I so hope that life will get better. I had to go through so much recently and I don't know if I can take any more.


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## mainey (Jan 24, 2015)

Sending hugs for you and your husband.  Whats a nightmare time you've both been through
Hope you get some good news soon instead of everything bad xxx


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Thank you mainey. It means a lot to me. 
God bless.


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## sa33 (Jul 5, 2013)

Oh Aster i am so so sorry to read what  a truly awful time you have had.
sending you a big hug.


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## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

Hugs to you.  Sorry its been so horrible


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Thanks for the hugs sa33 and Izzyblue.


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## babygirlforme (Jul 10, 2011)

*Dear Aster* , thinking of you & dh  I know how it's to be in hell, try to make a new plan, this is what I've done after 2 last trimester stillbirths  Please, take care of yourself .


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## chooshoos (Dec 18, 2014)

just read your story Aster, you are definitely not alone - your FF here have your back and are rooting for you, so sorry for the horrid experience you have been through

Big Hugs 
XX


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Oh dear, I never expected such a great response from so many lovely people! Thank you so much for your kind words chooshoos and babygirlforme. It warmed my heart.

Currently I'm waiting for my AF (oh, how i hate you, AF!) and then water scan. Not sure if I will be able to try naturally this month because of that scan. Will be gutted if not. I was hoping to have to an iui this month, but because of that blasted scan i'm gonna have to wait till March.


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## Lambie36 (Sep 10, 2014)

I had tears in my eyes as I read your post  
My heart goes out to you and your dh. What an absolute nightmare you've been through!  I really hope you get that BFP your hoping and dreaming for  
I wish you the very best of luck on your journey to motherhood


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi Aster,

Sending you  .....  so sorry.

When my BFN came I said to DH at the time that I didn't know what was worse the "unexplained" and never having a pregnancy, getting a BFP then something happening or just getting the BFN and never being able to fall pregnant at all but reading what some brave women have went through on here I feel  BFN is the best of a bad situation. I really feel for you. 

I read someone's signature on this site that struck a chord and it said - the despair I can handle, it's the hope that's killing me - and it's so true we are given a little bit of hope then it's taken away. I wish you the best of luck for the future xxx


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## honkiepink (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi aster,
I read your story and it's heartbreaking. 
I had to reply as you mentioned things that I to am feeling and I just wanted you to know your not alone. I also have loads of people around me who are currently pregnant, they don't even try! It's so frustrating. When they tell you they make a point of saying I was apprehensive about telling you,and your like oh thanks for that.you want to be happy for them but it's just a reminder that it's not working for you. 
I also know how you feel when people give advice like don't worry it will happen for you,it's will be you next,don't stress about it stress is the worst Thing! Yep heard it all but people don't understand that does not help.I don't want to hear about your success I want you to hear about my success! I think we are going through this because we are strong enough to cope with it ( however hard it may seem at times) we will probably appreciate our babies when we get them more than people who just bang them out.
I know it's hard but please keep positive. There are things in life worth fighting for and I believe this is one of them 😘  here for you if you need to rant or need a friend ♥ Xxx


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## Aster (Sep 15, 2014)

Hello Lambie36, Thank you for you post and I'm sorry my story made you sad. I suppose every one of us here has this kind of story, and all we can do is listen and support each other. So thank you for your support.

Ames, I think you are right. Having a BFP and then losing it is heartbreaking. All the dreams and possibilities just crash around you, and you're left with nothing but rubble... Thank you for your wishes and I also wish you all the best on your next try in March.

Hi honkiepink, Thank you for your post. Yes, it sounds like we going through exactly the same thing. Only me and my DH never told anyone about our situation, we're very private about that. So people are not apprehensive about telling us about their pregnancies at all - one day I had lunch with 2 friends who both delivered their happy news at the same time. It was a nightmare. Not sure what's worse, people knowing and pitying you or unknowingly hurting you. I am very sorry about your recent BFN. I wish you all the best for the future


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