# Confusingly new *



## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Hi all. I have found my way to this site and I am amazed how many people are on there. 
I am at the moment particularly looking for some people to chat to about when the offer for IVF comes to late down the road.
I had an interesting time over the last 7 years. I am 36 now and my husband 46. Unable to conceive for over 2 years at the start of this trip. Then found a lump in my lower abdomen which I had looked at in Germany, where I am originally from, and turned out to have a rather large fibroid, which I was advised to have removed immedialtely to avoid a hysterectomy. Hospital here in Scotland refused to operate  - too dangerous so they said - so went back home and had 7 fibroids removed through a laparoscopy. 
Was then told there was no reason not to get pregnant, now that my uterus was all tidied up. Another 3 years down the road still no luck. Finally get a foot in the door in the hospital in Edinburgh and just at the start of the privately funded IVF, they advised that the ovarian cyst they had come across 12 month earlier at a check up I foreced out of them, was now an impressive 8cm and needed to be removed before treatment could be continued. Also suspicion of endometrioses voiced at this stage - I have for years suffered from very severe period pain. After the first operation I had, I was very nervous. The hospital here advised that they have not much experience with these kind of operations and as I did not want to be 'butchered' I returned back to Germany and paid for an OP in a specialist hospital. Keyhole surgery removed another 6 fibroids and the cyst, however confirmed that the cyst was left for too long untreated, had damaged the fallopian tube which is now out of action.   
All this was quite an emotional journey as all of you surely know. I have finally managed dragged myself out of the deepest pit though and have started over the last 9 month to gain ground again, makeing sense of a life without little versions of myself and my husband, being rather happy all around.
Suddenly a letter comes through the door that we are now on the top of the waiting list for NHS funded IVF - we did not even know we were on that list. Now confusion reigns as I have the feeling I have gone too far and I am not sure anymore if I want to force the issue with IVF, where nature clearly tells me it is not supposed to be. I have worked so hard to get to this place and now I feel entirely unable to make a decision if to proceed with IVF. However I am worried that I might regret in a few years time not having tried all I could?
I would love to hear from other people who have the feeling they have come to terms with their situation and then were thrown into turmoil again. How do you come to a decision?
Look forward to any comments out there.  (I have no idea where this message will end up .... its like a message in a bottle!)
Vonnie 3


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

Hi Vonnie 
What a journey, I don't really know what to say or suggest and I certainly haven't been in that position, I am quite new to this all (hoping to imminently start DIUI) and each journey is so hard and emotional.  What does your husband think? 

It sounds as if you had, to the degree that you can, come to terms with the situation and to go back in would be very hard and would raise all those emotions you have probably tried to work through, but if you think it might work and the medical teams do and you still wanted a child then.....  Would it help to speak to a counsellor, ours has been great. Hopefully some others might post their experiences and thoughts.  Personally when faced with such a difficult decision (though that is more difficult than most) I often, deep down, know what I want to do, and often have to convince myself but I keep coming back to one thought, but that is just me. 

Best wishes for your thinking
Tiny


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.

Emma
x x x x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi Vonnie3, welcome to Fertility Friends. 

Wow you've been through quite a lot. What a pity they did not sort out your cyst before the damage was done.
It must be such an emotional trauma to have this thrown at you again when you thought you had moved on. There is very little I can advise you besides to go with your heart and make the decision you know you won't regret later. Very hard to tell I know but perhps you can speak to a counsellor to discuss your feelings and this will help you to make that choice.

We have a section on here for ladies who have either moved on or who are going through the process of deciding to move on (or not). Bear in mind that you can always change your mind right up until the moment treatment starts.

*Moving On - Deciding & Accepting ~*  *CLICK HERE* 

I will also leave you a link to the IVF section so you can see what the process involves and get some idea of what you might be letting yourself in for:

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

And here's a few more useful links:

*Fibroid Problems ~ *CLICK HERE

*Meanings ~ *CLICK HERE

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

You can "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the location boards:

*Scotland Location Boards ~ *CLICK HERE

We also have a newbie night in the chat room every Friday (times vary), where you can meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.
 CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

C~x


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Hi Tiny, 

thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. At this stage I appreciate any opinion or experience people are happy to share with me. My husband is a star. It has been very hard for me to see me suffer and has shared many tears with me. Even though he is phantastic with children,they all naturally love him, he is of the opinion that 'children are a blessing, not a right'. He also insists that he married me for myself and not to necessarily bear his children. Therefore I have his full support with any decision I make, which is nice. 
I have spoken to a counsellor once before when I was in areally bad state a few years ago but did not find her too helpful, even though she was a very kind woman. I might try it again though before the start of IVF and see if it can sort my feelings. 
At the moment I am trying to speak to a number of camps: from the do not want children, over to did not want them but then had, to always wanted and get them. Hope to find inspiration who I am closest to at this stage.

CAZ, thank you as well for your reply and the fab links you have sent. I have now clicked into the moving on section and will have a look into fibroids later as this is a persisting problem for me. 

And a HI back to Emma - thanks for your reply !!!
Hope to speak to you all again soon.
V


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi *vonnie3k* and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic site full of advice and support and you have been left some great links to try out.

I wish you loads of luck with everything.

Kate xx​


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## ♥keepinghope♥ (Nov 28, 2006)

hello and welcome

cant answer you question but im sure in your heart of hearts if you want a baby you must give it a shot its better to have tryed and failed than never to have tryed at all..

good luck xxx


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## baby whisper (Sep 22, 2004)

hi hun just wanted to welcome you to ff
you have come to the right place for all the help and support you need
good luck with everything
lea-Anne xx


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## Liz G (Sep 4, 2007)

Hi there and what a story! I really admire you for getting to such a good place. On the other hand to be at the top of the list for teatment is like a free chance! I'm a great believer in what's meant to be. But what does that actually mean? Was it meant to be that you some how have ended up on the IVF waiting list?

My philosophy is to have no regrets. i have two babies as a result of IVF so I am one of the lucky ones I know. But I could so easily have not had a go.

It's so hard, because the treatment process does build up your hopes, but on the other hand you have proven to yourself that you can cope and adjust to life without children. In some ways you are in a really good place to see what happens!

Take care

Liz G


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Vonnie hi and welcome to Fertility Friends, I am sure you will find alot of support and comfort on here, all of us have.

Wow your story is amazing.  You have an interesting dilemma there. 
I would certainly recommend that you take up any counselling available at your IVF clinic, it will be specifically infertility-related and therefore you will probably find it more helpful than the previous counsellor you saw.  

You could probably look at this two ways.  

You had decided already not to pursue IVF or any treatment whether free or whether you had to pay for it.  Does this offer of a free treatment really change things?  I understand your concern that undertaking treatment now would re-raise all the heartache, it would.  And you should bear in mind that it doesn't always take one IVF, though many people are lucky and have a successful first treatment, this may not be the case.  You would have to prepare yourself for the ups and downs of treatment that perhaps lasts for some time, and may not get you any further than when you started.   If this is not where your head is at, and you are feeling at all half-hearted about it, then I would think very carefully about getting involved in the world of babymaking again.

On the other hand, at 36 you are not too old, many of us conceive older than this with IVF, (I was just turning 3 and your offer of a free go has not come too late in this respect.     Nobody would deny that treatment is an emotional rollercoaster and is at times very hard physical and mental hard work, but it is manageable, if you take one day and one step at a time, it's not so bad as many people think.  You actually sound like someone who has got the emotional resources as well as a very supportive husband to work things through as you go, which is also an advantage.   Many people feel that without at least trying IVF they have not given it their best shot.  You could still have that baby and IVF could be the way to get it - the risk of upset and trauma and having to go through the worry that you may not have children still is worth it for many many people.  However most of them have not already decided that they have had enough treatment yet.  The question is, how wedded are you to your decision to move on and accept that you may not have your own child?   This letter is perhaps suggesting to a nagging voice in your head that you weren't quite ready to move on yet.

Don't forget also that there are other routes to having children in your life - fostering, adoption, working with children and voluntary work.  The first two are not easy routes emotionally either, but remove the physical barriers at least.  

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Claire x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi Vonnie, may I suggest a little reading material for you too?

_Beyond Childlessness_

and

_Childfree & Loving It_

Both approach the issue of living without children from the opposite angle (one from those who wanted children but didn't / couldn't have them and one from those who never wanted them in the first place!) I bought and read both at a stage where I was between treatments and trying to decide if I wanted to continue (I decided not to at the time but then changed my mind.) I found them to be interesting reads and, Beyond Childlessness, especially quite heartwrenching but ulitmately worthwhile and uplifting.

C~x


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Dear all, 

I am not sure if any of you drop into this thread again. So many new ladies have posted since I have been here last and matters must move on. I do however have the feeling that I really wanted to update anybody who does look in. 
A decision has been made and for this I have to thank this site, the people who have replied to me and also many of my friends - all have given wonderful and most importantly non judgemental suppot. The two books that have been given to me have also achieved a lot, mainly opening my mind to thoughts and possibilities which I would not have discovered otherwise. 
The DH and I have now decided not to go for IVF but embrace at this stage a childfree live - and we will be loving it. 
Looking back, there have been so many twists and turns. When I was 20 I wanted to have 4 children, live in the country and keep chickens. When I was 30 I wanted to have 2 children, a house with a small garden and a little break from a very stressful job. Today I have accepted and I will not have children and that is absolutely fine. There is so much to live and so much to look forward too. Mainly at the moment a luxury holiday in Thailand in November to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary... 
I am sure that there will be times when the occasional sad thought creeps up and I will consider what if and how would they have been. But DH and I are happy with the decision we have come to and the relieve we feel outweights the paid we have been in for the past few years. 
I will definitely keep popping in and see how everybody keep getting on. I have already referred a friend's friend to the site who is very low at the moment. I want to give support as the connection we all have on this site is special and the understanding received is priceless. 
So until soon. Lots of love to you all. 
A decided Vonnie.


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Dear Vonnie
thanks for coming back to update us, it's nice to know how things turn out for people.  I'm really pleased you have made a decision together and you are happy with it.  
For the times you find your decision a little hard, please remember the Moving On board on this site is here for you.  There are many others there who have made the same decision and the community is very supportive.

Best of luck for the future and enjoy your holiday and many others to come!!  

Claire x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi Vonnie, bless you, hun, thanks for keeping us updated on how things are with you.

Well done on making a decision and, well done indeed for being at peace with it. You sound like you really are going to make the most of all the great things you do have in this life and it's an inspiration to many in your situation to see such positivity. 

I hope you have a great holiday in November, and a wonderful life!

C~x


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## ♥keepinghope♥ (Nov 28, 2006)

hello and welcome

only you can make that choice i know i would rather try and maybe fail than pass the chance by good luck with what you choose

keepinghope xx


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