# Waiting 12 months



## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Hi there

We have just had our 1st failed ICSI cycle and are absolutely heartbroken by this.  We are not in the position to pay for any more cycles as we are on low wages to start with and trying to save would take us at least 3-4 years.  I have longed for a child for 9 years and don't think I could take another 4 years.

We rang some adoptions agencies yesterday and received some literature through the post this morning.  After reading it, it says wait 12 months after a failed IVF before applying for adoption so that you can deal with your grief.  If I wait another 12 months then I think I will crack up.

Can anyone give me any advice please


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Dear Angel,

I'm really sorry to hear about your failed cycle. You must be devastated.

It's really tough, but most adoption agencies put a waiting time on starting the process after you've had treatment. Some say 6 months, some a year.....it's really hard to hear it but you need some time to grieve. The adoption process is draining in itself....you'll need to be full of energy for it! But having said that maybe with a bit of research you'll be able to find one that only makes you wait 6 months? Be aware that the age group of the children you want to adopt could cause you to have to wait longer depending on where you live.

Think of it as research time....I spent it buying some books and reading them. Like "The adoption experience" by ann morris, or "parenting the child that hurts"....can't rememebr who wrote that but if you are intertested I'll find out for you. Think about the type of children you'd like to adopt, ie what ages/sex/how many etc. 

The rest of the time I spent trying not thinking about children (very difficult) and re-discovering who I was before I started trying for a family....also reminding myself who my husband was......sounds weird but the fertility stuff is really draining on everyone. Think of it as time that has to be filled, but this time with a pretty definate result at the end (unlike treatment!)

Me and my DH were just approved 2 weeks ago (started the process december 2003), and will probably be waiting for at least 3 months before we see any childrens details cos we live in the main city of our local authority area. Adoption is not the easy option and everytime you reach one milestone you find another one waiting around the corner, but as you'll see from some of the stories on the main thread.....it's all worth it in the end!

Good luck and if you're sure it's what you want don't be afraid to push for it,

XXRuth.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear Angel

Sorry to hear your news about your failed cycle.

I was never in the position that you find yourselves in at this moment in time but at the time of myself & DH applying to adopt we were told we had to be married for 3 years & had only been married for 2 years at the time.  (Thank god that rule has changed now!) 

We wondered how on earth we could wait for a year to pass & felt very down about the whole situation.

We decided to plan a year of doing "stuff" to make the year pass quicker & believe me it worked.

Have you thought about getting in touch with more agencies & explaining your situation?

Tell SS that you've thought long & hard about this route you are about to take, as I am sure you have.  

We fostered a baby with a view to adoption & she was returned to her birth parents - that really hurt but after 3 months of her leaving our house I contacted  lots of SS with a letter explaining our situation & stated that I knew it was early days since our placement went back but we felt we needed to move on & couldn't put our lives on hold.

We were very lucky & found a SS who were willing to take us on & within 9 months of applying to SS we were placed with a beautiful little baby girl.

This might not happen in your case but I just want to give you a little bit of hope & tell you not to give up.  Listen to advice that you will be given on this sight.  Talk to as many SS as you can, even ask if a SW could spare the time to just chat to you, to hear there side of the story as to why you should wait, it would give you the ideal opportunity to talk freely to one.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do, please don't give up!

Superal

        xx


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## jude2 (Oct 2, 2004)

Dear Angel,

So sorry to hear about your ICSi cycle.  I only had one myself and then decided not to go for another as chances were so slim.  When I decided to go for adoption I too felt like I wanted to get on with it straight away, but I do remember sitting looking at adoption sites with tears streaming down my face.  So although at the time  I couldn't bear the idea of waiting, with hindsight I know I wasn't really ready.

I have really found the time spent going through the process to be really important, so that we can know as much as possible about what we are taking on.  I also feel that it has helped me to recover my old self and my sense of humour and to stop feeling obsessed about fertility  and pregnancy.  I don't know how old you are but in my case I was 37 when I had my ICSI and i did have a real sense of time ticking away (visualising my eggs getting older and older).  With adoption I don't feel that sense of urgency because as somebody else said there is  a pretty definite outcome in the end.

Hope you don't think I am being patronising and you may feel very differently but it will go quicker than you think.  But as somebody else has said you could try finding one that will accept a 6 month wait, as mine did.

Sending you lots of love,

Jude


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya Angel

Sorry to hear about your recent ICSI cycle. I remember the devastation very clearly and know what you are going through.
We always planned to have another go, but were strongly advised against it. It took me quite some time to accept that I had to leave the treatment rollercoaster behind, and it was tough.
But when we decided on looking into adoption I felt a whole new lease of life - and finally could see a happy ending. Then we were told we'd have to wait 6 months before applying. I was crushed. I know exactly where you're coming from, you just think "how can I wait, I can't". I found it hard going but as the time went on it got easier and easier, and I'd finally had this overwhelming feeling of relief. OMG I've actually left the old life behind and can start actually planning a future. With the whole IVF stuff, I had dreams and goals I wanted desperately to achieve, but there's no guarentee of ever getting that goal. You sort of get stuck in time.
I personally found that although I'd said "But I want to do it now, I am ready to move on etc etc", looking back I clearly wasn't, and I can see now that I needed that time away to get my life back and very importantly to grieve for what we'd been through and for what wasn't meant to be. 
To be honest that 6 month gap absolutely flew by for me and before I knew it I was filling in my application form to adopt!
Don't know about others but we found that the adoption process flowed by that quickly (because we were doing something all the time), it didn't drag and wasn't the awful, sometimes depressing feeling that we'd had with the IVF - I think mainly because we could then see an ending to it. If that makes any sense!

We're now the proud parents of a baby girl. And I truly never believed I would be a mum - but it's the most wonderful thing in the whole world! I've found my happy ending.

I realise you've been told to wait a year, but take that time to come to terms, you will need it, although you probably won't feel like you do right now. (I know I didn't).  The time will go quickly once you can see your new goal. Don't give up!

We're all here for you, take care

lotsa hugs ((())))

Ever x


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

HI Girls

Thank you soo much for your replies.  I have to admit I read them with tears  .  Your all right in the advice you have given me regarding the grieving time.  I feel that DH wants me to get the failed ICSI out of my system straight away.  I can't even look at a pg woman or newborn now without crying  .  I know it's only early days and time is a great healer but I DO need that time and I don't think DH understands that.  YES we want to move on with our lives but I need to get over the fact that I'm never going to feel that baby inside of my tummy kicking and reminding me that it's there.  i am just so heartbroken at the minute.

We are going to go and book a holiday on Sat to try to take our minds off it all but I think you are right in saying plan lots of stuff to do to make time go quicker.  I also think we need to research it all more.  It's all good and well saying oh we will adopt but it's a lot more complicated than that.

Call me selfish but it may be the same for everyone.  I want a healthy baby or a young child or twins, but when I spoke to adoption agency I had to agree to up to 5 years and siblings or disabilities.  Why is life so unfair to us.

I'm sorry girls for ranting and raving I just don't know where to turn to and have found this site such a great supprt through treatment I don't know what I would do without it.    

Thanks for listening.

Kerry xx


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Kerry, 

sorry about your ICSI, I can remember only to well the hurt when ours failed. All the others have given good advice about the 6 - 12 month waiting time. Unfortunately it's one of those hind sight things that I think most of us going down the adoption path have realised... the waiting time is important to have some quality time as a couple and collect your thoughts and strength for the adoption process...because it brings its own stress.

About the SS telling you what ages and types of children you have to consider.....It may be that they are testing your commitment to go down this path but they can't actually force you to take a child that you are not comfortable with....that would be a sure way for the adoption to break down. Remember you can approach neighbouring LA too (I think up to a 50 mile radius from where you live) and you may find one that is a bit more sympathetic towards you.

Whatever the outcome remember that if you want a young child you will probably have to wait quite a while to be matched as most of the children coming up for adoption are slightly older although several of the girls on this site have been matched successfully with toddlers and a couple with babies.

Just a though but have you contacted or looked on the websites of BAAF or adoption UK as they have very good advice and are a great starting point.


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## movinggirl (Mar 29, 2005)

Hi Angelbabywood,

I am very sorry that your treatment was not successful and understand that the healing/grieving time is slow. I agree with the other replies - to take time, spend time with your husband, do research and perhaps seek another LA or agency that will start the assessment in less than 12 months. (12 months is generally given as a guideline as most research shows that it is the first 12 months of any grieving cycle that is the most difficult - everyone is different tho). 

BUT as a social worker I was really concerned when I read your mail that said when you spoke to  the adoption agency you had to agree to a child up to 5 years and siblings or disabilities. STOP. I now you want a child and to care and give that child everything - but you have to care for this child for the rest of your life! Do not be pushed into making a decision that you and your partner are not comfortable with. Yes, as SW's we have difficulty placing children with disabilities or older than three, but I truly believe adoptors need to make the decision that is right for them when they are considering what kind of child they want to care for in the long term. There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy child as young as possible. The best placements I have done are those where the couple have waited and placement has ended up being so right - both for them and the child. 

I hope I have not worried you with this - but please do not feel you are being pushed into things that you are not comfortable with and that are life long decisions for both you and a child that will have already had too many life experiences. 

I imagine that you have only had an initial conversation with the agency, so you can change what you have said to the age groups that you are more comfortable with. 

Most of all now - take some you and husband time and look after yourself.

M


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Hi M

Thanks for your good advice.It's nice to have someone on here say it how it is as SW's from agency do seem a little intimidating.  It's not that I wouldn't love or care for a disabled child or older child as I have both older and disabled nephews.  I just don't feel I am that strong of a person to look after a child with disablitlies.

Myself and DH have agreed that if it takes 12 months then so be it it will give us time to get sorted and do some things we want to do etc.  We have also said that we want to definitley adopt a sibling group or twins.

Does anyone know the best books I could buy or anything that I could get that gives you a little more insight into the adoption process.  The internet sites we have looked at all say the same kind of things.

Thanks once again to all of you for listening.

Kerry x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Kerry

I can only echo what the others have said and hope that things work out for you. In terms of books there are many on the market, but the one I read and would recommend is The Adoption Experience by Ann Morris (link to Amazon synopsis here http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1853027839/qid=1119272709/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/202-6803374-8668658 )

I know a number of the others have read it and found it useful.

Good luck
Karen x


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Thanks Karen

I will take a look at it now and get one ordered.

Kerry x


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