# BFN and Devastated



## KELLS71 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi all,
I've been a regular visitor to this forum for about a year now but this is the first time Ive posted.
I have just completed my 2nd cycle of ICSI at Barts and after a long and anxious 2ww was devasted at the end of last week to get a BFN.  I felt like I cried non stop for 2 days!
My first ICSI was last May which resulted in a BFP, but sadly discovered Id suffered a missed miscarriage when I went for the 12 week scan.
I feel just as devasted at the BFN this time, in fact I almost feel more devasted this time.  (I've just turned 39 this week and due to the timings it didnt feel like a very happy birthday!)
Barts said to me last week that I need to see a nurse or consultant for a follow up appointment  and then I could go back on the waiting list which currently has gone up to 4-5 months(but it would be quicker if I agreed to see a nurse so I said yes to a nurse appointment).  
Today I received my appointment letter today for April which made me burst into tears when I worked out that going by what Barts had said about the waiting list, I wouldnt be starting next round till August or Sept - which seems like such a lifetime away!  Esp given my age.
I feel like everything is going against me at the moment, Im usually a really positive, happy and strong person but I feel like all that is fast going out the window!
kells71xx


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

So sorry  bt your BFN. Didnt want to just read and run, wanted you to know you arent alone in this. You may be able to start sooner than you think and the fact you got pg 1st time is a good sign innit? Stay positive  easier said than done I know!

PL x


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Kells,

I wrote this post after my 2nd BFN.  I'm about to start my 3rd cycle (2nd FET) in March.

Nothing but time helps.

Dee
xx
********************************************************************
Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 72% of women in my age group (37) are unsuccessful at IVF.  

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 28% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 72% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices? 

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down? 
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover? 
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them? 
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms. 

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby. 

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers.  How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle? 

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army.  Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 3!!!!!


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## Kerrie_1975 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is a fantasic post thank you, it has helped me put some perspective to my bfn. 

Thank you. Xx


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## catmadblonde (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi there,

Sorry for your news, i feel exactly the same as you, i had bfn yesterday and cried all day and made myself feel quite ill with all the crying. Time does heal i promise. And once you have given yourself a little time things will seem much clearer for you. I try and think of others on here who maybe was not as fortunate as myself to get all the way to the end of a cycle. At least i managed that. And trust me august/september will be here soon enough, we will all be talking about christmas again before we know it.

I feel very lost at the moment, as money is an issue for us and i dont know what we are going do to fund our next cycle, should we decide to do one ( sure we will). I am due to get married in september and we are thiking about using our savings for that to fund my cycle, but have put our wedding off for years as it is. Ive just turned 36 and feel that time is running out for so fast.

This is a trying time for us, but we all pick ourselves up eventually. 
I send you big hugs and hope you start to feel alittle better in the next few days.
lots of love catmadblonde.xxxxxx


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## butsy (Sep 25, 2008)

big   to all of you!! Its a horrible time but you are right (irishdee and catmadblonde), time does heal.  I had my first BFN in November and wondered if I'd ever deal with it (couldn't actually acknowledge it for a week or two).  But I'm just starting to feel normal again.  Of course it hurts and you're devastated, but I've found that it is possible to slowly find some meaning in all this and accept it.

If I could go back and give myself advice it would be to give myself a break and stop trying to pretend that everything's normal, and make more use of mindfulness meditation (very calming).  And know that this awful feeling will end, and I will be able to hope again one day.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

I am so sorry for you news but it is true time does heal, it does get easier. Each one is harder and cuts that little bit deeper; but if nothing else the last few years of heartache and more tears than I would care to admit to; my relationship with my wonderful hubby is stronger now than it was a few years back, we are there together in the heartache and support each other. If i could bottle one of his hugs and post it too you hun I would. We are nearly in Feb now soon be spring and easter and then we'll all be looking forward to those beautiful spring early summer days and before you know it your be back on the band waggon and trying again with a BFP and a bump for Christmas and a baby on the way for early next year.  Take support from people on here xx


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## KELLS71 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thank you all for your lovely words, these forums are definitely a big help!  I know time will heal, its just trying to get through these difficult and emotional first days etc, but I know it won't be long till I'm feeling positive and hopeful again


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

have special time with your other half xx


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## CharlotteBH (Aug 2, 2009)

Hi Ladies

Hope you don't mind me jumping on. I had a BFN today from a FET - I had my first BFN after ICSI in October. I can hardly see out of my poor sore eyes I've been crying so much. It truly helps to read all your supportive posts though. Dee - you are an inspiration!

Thanks again and may we all be on the way to BFPs soon. 

Cxxx


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## Bellini (May 2, 2008)

Sending you all hugs.

My cycled failed across my birthday and Christmas. If you do a search you'll see my posts - I was heartbroken.

I am still heartbroken but getting better. It's true - time heals.



Love Bellini xxx


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## Kerrie_1975 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have just been told I now need an egg donor. I have had 3 failed ivf cycles. I am in shock, this normal? Never even crossed my mind that my baby could not even look anything like me?! 

Kerrie xxx


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## kateharts (Feb 3, 2010)

Hi Kerrie

What a shock! Did they explain why?

Sending you some   x


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