# OT's journey to become a Mummy!



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

I think I can post this now after Littlie being home for just over 1 month  

Our journey to become parents has been a long, exhausting and expensive one starting on our first wedding anniversary in Sept 1997.  DH is 6 years older than me and was desparate to have a family.  After 6 months of ttc I knew something was wrong and so packed DH off to have a sperm test, this came back as having a low count but we were told it wasn't impossible and to keep trying.  Two months later my Nan, who I was very close to, died suddenly and I was beside myself with grief for losing her and her never knowing my children.  I wasn't prepared to wait, I wanted more tests if necessary, I just wanted to get on with whatever we had to do to get pregnant.

We were given high chances of success, there was nothing wrong with me and so ICSI was going to be the wonderful way of making our babies.  Our first 3 icsi cycles produced grade 1 embies but no pregnancy, with each failure we were told it was 'bad luck'   but having no answers was making it hard to continue.  Our 4th attempt was 2 years after #3, we'd needed a break and needed to get some money together.  We were going to be on new drugs but were scared of more heartache and just before starting the tx we looked into adoption.  At that point I wanted to try the new drugs 'just in case' and we agreed if #4 didn't work we would move on and adoption would be our route to a family.  We had a plan    #4 felt different from the start and I 'knew' I was pregnant early on in the 2ww and the clinic confirmed a strong + at 16 days post transfer.  Things continued to go well, at 6 weeks we saw our baby and its heartbeat  and we were discharged from the clinic into the world of the NHS.  I managed to get a scan at 7.5 weeks, all was OK, and then again at 12 weeks when even though I still had very strong symptoms I was scared silly that something was going to go wrong.  Maybe it was the maternal instinct preparing me for what was to come.........the scan showed our baby had died between 9 and 10 weeks   we were devastated, our world fell apart.   The next morning I had a d&c, I knew then I would never be pregnant again  but I couldn't give up.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought of more tx and so we went on to have another 4 attempts, 3 of which had full immune tx as the pregnancy had activated natural killer cells and we also found out we shared DNA so the first 3 attempts didn't stand a chance 

DH then decided he couldn't go through anymore tx, he wanted a family not a dream of a family.  So we talked and then ventured into the world of adoption, scared and with a back up plan of tx IF adoption didn't work out or feel right.

i made the first contact and we were invited to an info evening being held 3 days away.  We went along and came home more scared and worried than ever, we had been told if you wanted pre-school children you had to be at home until they were settled in school.  Well there was no way we could afford for me to take that long off work, we felt we'd hit a brick wall   We then had a weeks holiday and spent the time talking about what we were going to do and decided we would continue and see what response we got.  Our initial visit a month later proved worthwhile and put our minds at rest.  We were offered a place on the prep course a month later but DH was away on a course for work and so we had to wait for another 2 months.

(DS has woken so I'll finish this later! )

Our prep course was at the start of 2007 and nervously we went along, I was hobbling as I had fallen down the stairs but didn't want to use the crutches and draw any extra attention to myself!  By coffee break everyone had relaxed and were chatting away, there were 7 couples varying in backgrounds but it felt good to be amongst people that felt as we did and to be doing something positive.  We had 4 sessions over 4 weeks and then filled in our application form and hand delivered it 3 days after the prep course finished and then we waited....... ....for 8 days   Our SW called to let me know she had been allocated to us and to arrange the first HS date.  The actual HS took  just under 4 months and then we had to wait for our form F to be written......this bit took ages and we finally went to panel 28/09/07, where we were approved unanimously after a fairly easy and positive experience  

After celebrating and letting it sink in we got on with decorating and finishing the rest of the jobs we had been wanting to do.  We had prepared ourselves for a wait until the New Year and were just getting on with life so when our SW left me a message asking to call her back asap I was surprised and impatient when I then couldn't get hold of her.  A couple of hours later I finally got to speak to her, she was phoning about a little boy we had been linked to just 6 weeks after approval.  The emotions ran wild, I was on such a high, finally believing that I could become a Mummy.  She emailed the CPR over and that night after work we read the report in silence with a sinking feeling    After we both read it we talked about the issues and how we felt and went through each and said we could cope with them but we didn't really know how we should feel and so the following night we re-read the report and wrote a list of questions ready for our SW.  It turned out that she had the same list of questions/points that we did and wanted to know a lot more from the child's SW.  We slept on it again and the day before we were due to meet with the SWs we spoke to our SW again and decided not to pursue the link as it really didn't feel right, we had tried to convince ourselves that it was  but in the end we knew we couldn't continue with this child    This was the hardest decision we had had to make, harder than stopping tx!  So back to the waiting game, this time we heard nothing more before Christmas and at the beginning of the New Year I emailed our SW to say we wanted to know everything that was happening regardless of the outcome.  

Mid January 2008 we had a meeting with our SW and asked to go on the local consortium and national register, we also found out we had been put forward for a number of children and our Form F was with a number of SWs.  Everything was looking positive, our SW said we had an impressive report and she was confident we wouldn't be waiting long.....a week later we found out one of the possible links had been withdrawn as they had to go out of county for safety reasons and another was decided not ready for adoption just yet   disappointing but we still had another one to wait on.  By mid Feb after chasing SW we decided this link wasn't going to happen and so put it out of our minds and focused on the 2 newer linking meetings.  Our SW went on holiday and so we knew we wouldn't hear anything for at least a week....or so we thought!  Towards the end of the week we had a message left on our answer machine to say a CPR was in the post to us.....this time we were more cautious while still wanting to think this could be the one 

I got home from work early on the Friday and found the CPR in the post as promised.  There was no way I could wait for DH to get home so I made a coffee and sat down with a note pad only I never made any notes but got more and more excited as I read about this child.  At this point I realised we had definately done the right thing saying no to the first CPR and my gut instinct told me this was the right match      While waiting for DH I spent ages sitting in what would be a child's bedroom thinking about where the furniture would go and how I'd decorate it - maybe getting ahead of myself just a bit   praying that DH would feel the same.  When he got home I left him to read the report, I didn't say anything about how I felt as I didn't want to cloud his opinion in any way.  I need not have worried though, within pages he was getting just as excited and his gut instinct also said this was right.  We then had a very long weekend before we could contact our SW and get things moving.

It took nearly 4 weeks to be able to get everyone together for a meeting to decide whether we were all happy to go to matching panel, the time dragged and dragged and then all of a sudden dates were being arranged and we had a list of people to contact and speak to before panel.  We spoke to the FC on a weekly basis getting a bigger and better picture of our DS, bringing him to life but also making the wait seem endless yet again.  Panel was originally set for 9th May, DH's 40th bday, but had to be changed due to SW holiday   and so was re-arranged for the 23rd May, my Dad's 60th bday    The day finally arrived and though nervous we had been reassured that if there had been a problem we would have known about it before then.  Panel itself was very quick, less than 20 minutes all in and we were only asked one easy question, everyone was certain it was a perfect match and it was approved unanimously     

A week later we had a child appreciation day where the first 2 hours was with the birth family.  This was a very positive experience for all of us and, as DS was relinquished it meant a lot to us to be approved of by the family.  We spent the time laughing and crying, listening to some hard information and some lovely stories and we hard our photos taken with the BF.  The rest of the day was easier with the FC and other people who had been in his life.  Two days later we had our planning meeting and that same afternoon we finally got to meet our Son  

We'd bought him a Winnie The Pooh and took it with us full of trepidation and unbelievably nervous at meeting this little boy that was to become our son, praying he would like us   Seeing him for the first time was completely out of this world, he was smaller than we had thought but absolutely gorgeous and he soon warmed to us and we ended up having to drag ourselves away after nearly 3 hours, we'd only meant to be there for an hour!  The first week was quite hard being in someone elses house, trying to take over the caring role without stepping on toes but we were lucky that the FC was lovely and we got on well.  The second week we moved down to our house and we were able to relax a bit more and do things our way without being watched.  Our midway meeting went well and everyone was happy.  Though he was ready to move earlier we left it set for the original date as the FC was finding it harder as the 2nd week went on.  Our plan had us getting him ready for bed at our house and then takling him back to FCs and putting him to bed.  We were giving him a bath, getting him dry and into his PJs without any problems but then he would run into his bedroom and climb onto the bed.  it was so hard having to explain to him that he couldn't sleep there just yet and then having to take him back to the FCs house   

DS has now been home for nearly 5 weeks, has settled really well and got good attachments to us.  He has met most of the important people in our lives and has got on well with all of them, he gets really excited seeing my parents and my brother's children which is great.  His SW has said she has never seen him so happy and settled and that if you didn't know his history you'd think he'd been with us from day 1.  The tantrums are short lived and considering all the changes in his life over the last 2 months he is generally well behaved and a lovely little boy, full of cuddles and kisses.

   

DS has now been home for nearly 15 weeks, we have applied to court and fingers crossed all will be finalised before Christmas.  We have had our first family holiday which was fantastic!  We were so lucky with the weather after the terrible summer and were able to spend loads of time on the beach in the   building sandcastles and jumping over the waves, DS had a fab time and wasn't unsettled at all by a different bedroom etc.  Now back home and planning an adoption party and buying Christmas presents, we are so looking forward to Christmas this year with our son.    

18/12/08 We went to Court today and the adoption order was granted, we are finally a legal family and we couldn't be happier   

20/12/08 Today we had a party with all our family and friends to celebrate the official adoption of our Son.  He was so excited and has spent the day having a great time.  We are so proud to have him as our son and love him more than we ever thought possible.  

Now we can get ready for our 1st Family Christmas


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## country girl (Jun 18, 2004)

Old Timer that is a beautiful story. It brought tears to my eyes. Your long hard journey to find your precious son has a wonderful ending. I can feel the happiness in your words. Enjoy finally being a mummy and many congratulations  

Love Country Girl


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

December 2009 and we are starting again for number 2


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## Pink Lady 66 (Sep 3, 2008)

Hi just been reading your diary on adoption and i was so close to tears such a wonderful story, you mentioned that as you were not able to give up work you couldnt be considered for a younger child, how old was your son when you were matched.  and did you continue to work.  Me and husband are in the early stages of adoption and i will be unable to give up work fulltime due to my husband being self employed.  I hope all is well for you and good luck for 2nd time around.

Lisa


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Lisa

Our DS was 2 when he came home and matching panel had been happy with me taking a year off work with the flexibility to extend that if he needed me at home longer.  As it turned out I could have returned to work after 6 months as we had officially adopted him by then and SS were no longer a figure in what we did.

I'll pm you with some thoughts I think!
OT x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

May 2010 - approved for #2 - 1 little girl 0-18 months
July 2010 - had to turn down a 15 month old little girl, would have been too big an impact on our son   
August 2010 - waiting for the PO to be granted for a 'good match' (SWs words).


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