# Devastated - My story



## Laura74 (Jul 29, 2013)

Hi everyone,

After a year of being messed around with delays, repeating tests, biopsies, scans etc multiple appointments etc we went for our results a few days ago. My hubby has no sperm but we kept being told that we had a 20% chance of finding sperm cells that they could potentially use. We used to tell each other that it was impossible but the consultants used to say things like dont give up, you never know etc and of course people around us would say the same thing. We became more positive about things when the biopsy date loomed which went very well. We had to return a week later for results
. Nothing was found.

Nothing further can be done for us to have a biological child and the idea of sperm donation doesn't sit well with my husband or me for that matter. What I am struggling with is the emotional stress.....talking about it gets us upset and i clam up when friends ask how I am. I need to talk about it but then when I try, people/friends just don't understand. I know its not their fault but I get angry and cry and get embarrassed so then I avoid the situation/subject. I don't want to go out any more, in work, I cant concentrate and don't even want to be there. Im normally such a bright happy person but this have affected me deeply. My mum and sister are concerned and say I am depressed...maybe I am, but I feel like I am grieving in a way..does this make sense? Friends say things like..".how can you miss something you will never have?" "Oh well...count your blessings...think of all the fun things you can do instead"...arrrgh... Think Im going potty!! Hubby seems to have dealt with the news already and says things like...right then adoption it is..but Im desperately sad and cry all the time..he doesnt know this as I dont want him to get upset. Sorry for the long rant, just need to let it out somewhere.....


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## Londonkitty (Feb 26, 2014)

First off have a massive hug for writing all that down - I don't imagine it was easy.

I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling as I'm at a different point in my fertility journey and still have to hope it will work. However, I completely understand the feeling of grief and think it is an emotion not talked about enough in relation to fertility. Do NOT feel guilty for grieving. You have lost the opportunity to have a biological child, to go through the passage of womanhood that is a pregnancy (which we are led to believe is a naturally easy process when it clearly isn't) and are understandably shaken by finding out, it is so final. Every person grieves in a different way so if you need to shout/scream/get angry with the world, go and do it. Similarly if you need to shut the world out and cry until the tears won't come then do that. People won't know what to say to support you because there is nothing that will take the pain you are feeling away but that doesn't mean you can't lean on them even if it's just to have them around to give hugs and say nothing (or go to a kickboxing class with you). Get your GP to sign you off if work isn't helping, they will be able to assess if you are clinically depressed and offer support which may be antidepressants or may be a counselling service - both have their place to get you through a tough time and neither are a sign you are mad/weak or that you'll need them for the long term. 

I don't know whether I'm making sense but I didn't want to read and run without letting you know you are not alone. Whatever you do next please be kind to yourself. This is a horrible time for you and it is ok to grieve for as long as you need to. I also imagine your husband isn't as ok about all of this as he makes out but has gone into practical solution mode so do talk to him when you feel ready to. Whatever the future holds, hopefully you want him to be right there next to you so let him in.

Big hugs
xxx


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

So sorry for your sad news but just wanted to offer a quick thought - if your dh is talking about adoption, a child that is not biologically either of yours why would he not entertain sperm donation when the child would be part of you?  I assume that there is nothing wrong on your side that is. I think you need to tell him how you feel, maybe couple counselling might be a good idea? Did you clinic offer you councelling? x

Good luck on your continued journey I hope when the shock phase passes you may be able to see a happy future more clearly xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Laura,
You are grieving and don't let anyone tell you different! Most of us have dreamt of becoming mothers since we were children/young women even if that's just in our sub conscience . Society is geared up to make this a normal process of events and women who choose not to have children the minority. We all start out without a care about our fertility as infertility is something that happens to someone else. It is most definitely grief, you are as Londonkitty says grieving for the loss of the biological child and the life you visualised you would have. As with any grief it does get easier, time is a great healer.
We had our last failed ivf cycle in  November (3rd cycle) and we had to come to terms with not being biological parents. For us adoption was always at the back of our minds so we made the choice to try to become a family by adoption. 
For me personally I feel a huge weight has been lifted along with a huge black cloud. Adoption has given us our future back and something to look forward to again. Everyone is different and choices of when and how to move on will be personal to each individual couple as will the grieving time. I personally haven't had counselling but DH and I have always talked throughout the whole process as well as my family but counselling would definitely be something you could look into with your DH, 
Don't let it come between you, you need to be there for each other. Take the time to grieve and come to terms with your loss.
 good luck and I wish you well.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Just like to say    can completely relate to you post my Dh has the same diagnosis,  
Allow yourself to greive it will get easier as devastating as it is.  i dont know where your hubby had his biopsy but many ladies on here have had sucess with Mr Ramsey where tese biopsies have previously failed.  you may have already looked into this avenue
I still struggle with the loss of our own chance of bio children,  its very very tough - ive kind of started to get my head round the idea that the child we will have will be the child we were always meant to have but i still struggle.  i hope one day the whole journey will be behind us 
xxx


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