# Adoption Contact



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Morning all

Well, to start this nice new shiny thread off, I'm going to have a grumble!!     (apologies in advance!!)

I had a phonecall yesterday regarding my letterbox contact that I'd sent, telling me that birthparents are unhappy with the photo that I sent!
Part of me thought "Balls! They should be grateful for a picture at all" but the main part of me was worrying all night and feeling guilty.

I totally see where they are coming from when they wait a full year to see how their child is growing up and changing etc, but from my point of view, I had to choose a suitable one for security purposes.

Now I'm left feeling awful   because it's another year now before I can make it up to them).
How are we expected to strike a happy medium with this one   ?


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Ever

DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!

You did the right thing in protecting yourself and your family.

YES the BPS might be upset about not having a better picture but let's remember why their daughter was adopted (not as though I know the reasons) & the fact that you have said you will do contact is great.

When the baby we fostered via concurrency was returned, it broke my heart but I knew that was the aim of the scheme and if she was meant to be returned to her BPS then that is where she belonged.

I would love to know how she is, I would be very grateful for any letter or any sort of photo BUT that's not going to happen.

i know with out the BPS we wouldn't have our beautiful children with us today & for that I am always very grateful and I don't want this message to sound as though I'm against BPS, it just bugs me when they say things like they have to your SW.

SORRY, my rant is over now & I've got off my soap box and kicked it over so I can't get on it again!! 

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I totally agree with Andrea, Ever.  Although I'm not bothered about letter contact (at the moment, easy for me to say as I haven't done it yet), I am bothered about sending a photo.  I'm sorry, but they had their children taken away from them.  They are lucky they are getting information and that's only because it's in the best interests of the child - to get information back - IMO.  Am I also right in saying, that once adopted, it's actually our decision to continue with indirect contact...  and we do because we know it's for the best.

I am going to be sending photos that are 6 months out of date to protect us and our little one - that's the major factor here, not them.

Take care.

Cxxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

Thanks for those kind messages, the daft thing is I know you are both right. I'm a little too soft for my own good sometimes, and that's why I beat myself up over things that really shouldn't get to me.

Anyway, day after we received our letterbox, I'm feeling more upbeat about everything. It came, I read it all (quite a bit!) and now can file it away in DD's special box. 

Actually, thinking about it now, the contact issue hasn't really been a problem, just the anticipation of it all that's the worst!
Phew! Over for another year. 
Now I feel I can move on with things.

Bye for now x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever,

We are over due to do our so I know how you must have been feeling hun, Glad it is out of the way for you and you can relax. Don't worry about the photo, at the end of the day it is your choice and as you have said in the past they have moved closer to you so you are only protecting your daughter.

TTFN PBMxxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks PBM

Yes it's a massive relief. Good luck with doing yours, believe me, it's great to get it out of the way!


TTFN

Ever xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Girls,
Just to say this is a great topic to be discussing it is a difficult area and I know for some it can be very fraught (particularly when the BF live near). We have done one letter to various BF members and a photo to less people. I actually didn't get too worked up about it which surprised me, It is difficult though not rubbing anyones nose in it. I also tried to see it as a diary type thing for Sunshine when she is older a real catalogue of where she is up to. 
Hope you are all ok speak soon love JD x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

JD

We keep a book for our little ones of the key things that they have done and their development, we put pictures in it too e.g. before and after their first haricuts!.  It makes it alot easier for me to do their contact letter as I can go back to the book and pick out the things I want to tell BP's.  I also in each letter put what their current height and weights are.

I think the books will be really good for the girls when they are older and there are so many memories in there which would otherwise be forgotten.

Good luck to those writing letters, did mine in April (was a bit late with it   ) and then  have another to do in Sept.

Karen x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Well girls - I may not have to do contact letters any more.

Part of me is so glad but the other part thinks how sad it is............both of our children's birth family have said they don't want them any more (sort of...read on!), DS birth Mum finds it to hard and she is scared he will try to find her when he is older, I personally don't think he will but we'll have to see.  As for DD BPS they have done a disappearing act & SS have said if I want to do one it will sit on file but they have still not collected the last 2, I thought it was 1 but there you go! 

So my dilemma is do I send one let it sit on file and it shows DD I did try or do I cut this tie while I can?

We receive nothing in the form of letters back to our 2. 

What do you think?

Love
Andrea
xx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Morning Andrea

What a dilemma for you. 

Fair enough if your son's bfamily don't want to receive them, that's the decision made you for, although I agree, it is quite sad. 

With our latest contact, I was told by SS that another member of the family had sent an additional letter, and did I want to accept it, or just keep it on file. The main of me was saying "NO, we agreed to 2 letters and no more" but I did have that guilt thing pulling at me saying "You don't want DD to think you're mean in years to come". So I accepted the additional letter on the understanding that it was to be a one-off and that I wouldn't be extending my letter writing in return.
I actually wish now that I'd stayed firm, and refused any additional paperwork, it's too easy to be swayed by our guilty feelings for the children.
My personal view is that we agreed to a certain level of contact at the start of placement, we should keep to our side of the bargain.
However, it's a massive emotional undertaking for us as the adopters and so disheartening to know your efforts are possibly for nothing.

Would it possible to go half way with your dd's letterbox?  I mean if you can draft a much simplier version of any letters you might've written previously, and store on your computer. Then in your own mind, you've done your bit. If they're not sent off to SS, then you won't have that weight of not knowing if they've been collected. On the other hand, if and when you get that call from SS to say birth family have shown up and want contact again, you've already got them stored away and ready to print and send.

We were told at the start of our placement, by our SW, that once the legal adoption papers had been granted, it was down to our choice whether we kept up that aggreement.

Sorry Andrea, I probablt haven't helped at all, waffling on like that!

Good luck with making your decision.

Love Ever x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Ever - you came up with an excellent idea and I understood what you were saying, I think I might do as you have suggested, Thanks of that!!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Andrea,

I think evers idea is a good one, by doing some form of letter, you are showing your daughter that you are keeping up you promise if you know what i mean. That is how I see doing our letters for pooh bear.

Good luck with what you decide.

PBMxx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Andrea,
Yes I think Ever's idea is great or send a really brief letter to go on file so you have done your part for your children regardless of what the BF do (or don't!)
Love JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Well the date has been and gone for DD BP's contact letter and I have heard nothing from SS about doing one, I have drafted a letter and it's safe on disc but that's as far as I have got..........to be honest I'm not really bothered about it & do not feel guilty, it's on disc if i should need to send it or show DD in the future!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Well done Andrea, you've done what you needed to and that's that! I did our second contact letter last week. I just wrote it quickly and sent it, the first one I mulled over for a week before sending!
Love JD x


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