# BFN for me



## bodia

Hello All,

Just thought I'd post on here as need somewhere to go now so I don't depress my cycle buddies!

I got a   at 7am this morning.

I have had 6 IUI's and this was my first IVF.

To be honest, I thought it had worked. I was in shock at first. Still feel numb. Am totally and utterly devastated. Have no idea what to do next or how I'm going to cope. Feel like my dream has been snatched away.

I am pretty sure at least one of my embies implanted, so I think it slipped away in the last few days. My boobs are not as sore anymore, so I suppose that's a sign.

No bleeding yet, which gave me more hope. But now I think it was just the pessaires holding AF off. 



xxx


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## Fidget

Oh Bodia,

I am so so so so sorry hun 

Words always fail me at times like this.   

Debs
xxxxxxxxxx


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## Bratt

Life can be so unfair  

Jen
x


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## Happy Mummy

Bodia, 
I am so sorry. I am sending you lots of   
Future Mummy


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## sheena 1M

Bodia

Big hug from me.  I hope it's not too traumatic when the   finally arrives. Don't keep it to yourself. You deserve to be able to grieve and rant and rave and cry  - it isn't fair we're going through this..... and hopefully .... you'll come out FIGHTING again for another try.

Sheena xxx


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## bodia

Hi All,

Many thanks for your support. I know everyone on here has been through it; and some far worse than me.

I feel totally empty. Does that make any sense? Just like I have nothing at all to look forward to.

Have just sent DH out for a bottle of wine!   Time to hit the sauce I feel!!!!

Thanks girls,


xxx


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## rosiebadgirl

i was so sorry to read your news, bodia.

i also got a BFN and have been bleeding since tuesday. life is just a big pair of dirty old pants sometimes.

thinking of you xxx


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## bodia

Rosie -

I am so sory hun.

I have just sent you a PM.

I had a few too many   last night and haven't gone to work today. Am sitting around moping!

No AF for me yet, but am sure she's on her way so wish she would just hurry up. Don't want to have to test again tomorrow morning and go through the trauma of getting another BFN.

Take care all.
xxx


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## Fidget

Aww hunni........ Glad you had a good drink tho  

Sorry (if that makes any sense) that the witch hasnt turned up tho........ maybe leave testing until Sunday or something rather than do it again so close  

Debs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## rosiebadgirl

i think you'll find some of your cycle buddies over here with you, honey.



xx


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## ~*mRsHoPe*~

Just to let you know its a BFN for us too, I started bleeding at 2.30 fresh blood unfortunately, and I tested and got back a negative! 
maybe we can start a club
MrsH XX


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## saphy75

Just wanted to send you all a great big    i'm so sad for you all  

pam xx


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## bodia

Hi Girls,

Rosie and Mrs H - I am so gutted that we all got BFN's We all deserve better.

All I can say to you both is that we are in this together. Please don't feel alone. We got this far together and somehow we will all find the strength to carry on.

I am thinking of FET and would like to have it over the Easter hols if my dates work out.

AF started yesterday and is in full force today. Woke me up in the night and made me  

I also believe my embies did implant. I felt them there until the last few days when all my symptons disappeared.

Am back at work today, not getting much done though.

Lots of love to you, and to everyone else reading this.

xx


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## Kamac80

Hi bodia sorry to hear this news

Kate xx


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## bodia

Hi All,

I went back to work yesterday. It was OK but I was very distracted. Today I went to a class at the gym, but I got really upset and didn't enjoy it. I feel like life is starting to get back to "normal" and I don't want it to be normal - I want to be pg!!!! So, when it was the relaxation bit and everyone was lying on their mats I started crying.   Came home and sobbed.

Am a lot better now. A friend came over this afternoon and we talked and went for a glass of wine, and it was good to chat.

It's such a rollercoaster this isn't it?

Thinking of all my unlucky cycle buddies too...

xxx


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## rosiebadgirl

we'll get through this, we really will.

xxx


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## Ella*

Bfn for me too & I'm really really peed off   
I kinda thought I wouldn't be lucky enough all along but also kept having thoughts of fate. This all fitted so well for many personal reasons.
I'm calling off a girly get together with my 4 month pg friend who looks 7 months & that feels awful, not her fault.

Anyway, I digress, I am so upset but Bodia, this was my first treatment bfn. Obviously I had plenty of natural bfn's many years ago! but I really feel the difference here. You can't just have another go next cycle. When you do have another go it entails a lot! DH can't take these 1/2 days off for ever more for one thing but I don't drive & I'd want him there anyway. Oh so many things.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A GIT!!! 
& sorry it was a me post. Promise to be less 'me' shortly. 

AND, I truly don't mind at all for a bfp but I went without a glass of wine for New Years Eve, my birthday, a dinner party I held & my mums birthday too! What a month for a bfn!!

xxx


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## bodia

Hi Ella,

 to you.
So sorry hon.

It's not fair is it? I understand how you are feeling. We are all in this together; don't forget the good friends you have on here.xxx

It hurts so much.

I had a horrific bleeding experience yesterday. Won't go into details but it was v traumatic and am convinced it was my embies leaving me.  

Am at work today but really can't concentrate!  

Thinking of you and hoping you can treat yourself and look after yourself and know we are all here for you.

xx


PS I agree about the wine thing!

PPS. Have lots of pg friends so can understand that one as well. Am working with a good friend who is 4 months pg this afternoon and am going to find it so tough...hang in there hon.
xxx


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## Ella*

Bodia,
I failed to add in my message that when I said this was my first treatment bfn it made me feel for you even more that this is one of a number for you  
It doesn't lessen my first treatment bfn or anyone elses but wanted to send extra sympathy hug for you. I really don't want to go through a 2nd treatment bfn ( who does?!) You want a guarantee don't you? If I have this treatment please tell me the odds are 100%  
I don't understand why I am bleeding as I'm still on pessaries though only one a day. Rather get it over & done with if it's a bfn I guess. Waiting for af to hit full flow then ring the clinic. Nice!

Someone else wrote it's doubly bad as we have pain enough that our dreams are dashed never mind having to go through an awful AF ( & some worse than others  )


Oh girls   why oh why?


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## rosiebadgirl

i'm so sorry for you ella.

i know exactly how you feel. you just have to believe that you will get through this ok, because you will, i promise.

the first treatment resulting in a negative is such a shock isn't it because although you know that on paper it _might_ not work, you feel secretly convinced that it will. finding it hasn't is a hard lesson to learn and then of course you have to take that knowledge with you into your second treatment.

that won't be easy for any of us to do.



but you know, we will do it and, what's more, we will do it with a strength that the blissfully ignorant fertiles among us know nothing about.

that makes us special and brave and wise and deserving.

i refuse to forget that and that, in turn, helps me prepare for the second cycle.

xxx


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## bodia

HI Girls,

Ella - It's hard however many cycles of treatment you've had I think. I think Rosie's right; there's something kind of magical about the first cycle as you really believe it will work - and that innocence is taken away when you get a BFN. All my other tx was IUI's - very hard and gruelling though they were, they were nothing compared to the trauma of IVF. Drugs, hormones, GA, egg collection!!!! 
It's all so tough and especially at this time of year when it's a new year and we all want to be thinking of new lives. This would've been a fab time for me personally to get pg, but it wasn't meant to be.  

Rosie - thanks so much for your messages. Hope you are also hanging in there. I am up and down. One minute OK, the next I feel terrible. I am hoping to start FET asap, but starting new job on Thurs (managing the PRU for a term,) and don't want to take time off whilst I'm doing that. You starting in March? If my cycle works I'd like to have my 2ww over Easter...but I can't get my hopes up that will all happen to plan...

My poor cats are starving and thirsty, so have to sort them out. What sort of a Mummy am I?!!!

Take care all,

xx


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## Ella*

Rosie, they are beautiful words

_blissfully ignorant fertiles among us know nothing about.

that makes us special and brave and wise and deserving._
They really are.
I must say, even though I secretly thought fate might play a hand in mine as it would all work so perfectly timing wise & all sorts I also couldn't really imagine getting a bfp would happen to me. It all seems to have gone on so long I almost can't imagine it happening yet it happens with ease around us. It will though!!! 

Oh Bodia, I know exactly what you mean on a fab time to get pregnant. Any time is good but this would have worked so very very well for us 
I am aware of the awful trials & tribulations of ivf & it may well be our next treatment, with ICSI. What's GA? I've had nothing like ivf for this cycle obviously but had meds/ ovarian stimulation but not as much dose as ivf obviously, then trigger, then progesterone gel. I feel I've had a mini prep exam  Gawd, I smiled, I actually smiled! There can be no remote prep for EC though...!

Oh why can't we just get pregnant through sex for gawds sake 

I can't believe my leftover pee sticks ( yes I have leftovers!) have absolutely no use until next treatment & I don't know yet when that will be . Need to have hysteroscopy first & then bring it on!!!

  girls for March/Easter

p.s. have now clicked what GA was- General anaesthetic  & no I don't want one. Can you beg a sedative instead?


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## bodia

Hi Girls,

Ella -   Yes you can have a sedative. My clinic advised GA so I didn't wriggle! I was terrfied of it and apparently they had to give me double dose and nearly get a mallet out to actually knock me out as I was resisting so much!!!

I am sure DIUI is a real trial. I actually only had two medicated cycles, so I didn't suffer too much.

How you feeling today?

I am at work, (clearly getting lots done!  )

My bloody neck has gone funny now so I have to go to see the osteopath after work....why can't my body work normally!!!!!

Have no idea when our next tx will be. I have looked at my dates and don't think we will be able to have FET at Easter after all.   So it might have to wait unti June / July which feels like forever away and I am not happy about it!!!!!!!  

Anyway, hope you all having a better day...gotta go talk to the boss!!!

xxx


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## Ella*

Phew re sedative  . Mind you, I'm not sure I can wangle a sedative if I have this hysteroscopy & need any polyps removing    

DIUI, real trial? Argh, I milked it too much?   No no... I did think it was a bit like a mini IVF pattern, like having some training, build up slowly   but yes, on other sides.. the 2ww, the follicle tracking how much time off work can everyone spare? Getting a bit hard for DH though his work are patient for now. & that's just the start isn't it. Life!

 re your next treatment. Waiting is the worst of all   I hope either the time flies or the treatment can be brought forward after all.. 

I want to skip the hysteroscopy!   If the nhs waiting list isn't dire I know financially we need to wait but I am getting older, I have the patience of a gnat & I want to be back on a 2ww! I seriously am thinking of popping in another DIUI whilst we wait for hysteroscopy of cons thinks it's ok but probably a waste of time, emotion, cost etc if there is something up in there.... I'm waffling again.

What have you done to your neck? grief! If it's not one thing it's another. & they always come when you are already getting knocked by something else.  

tc
x


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## bodia

Hi Ella,

Just wondered how you are getting on?

Why have you been recommended to have a Hysteroscopy?

Good luck for your appointment. I have my follow up appointment on Thurs also.

I'm on half term this week - hooray!!!

xx


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## Ella*

Hi there Bodia,
Hope your appointment went well too! 
Mine was good, well as expected.

Hysteroscopy was because there were some lighter areas in the centre of my uterus on ultra sound nr ovulation which could be polyps or folds. However, my cons says he thinks it isn't anything untoward but need to rule out polyps before proceeding. I have been very lucky in getting a hysteroscopy on NHS for March booked!   Hope to go to treatment in April. Just decision on which, IUI, ivf or icsi. Might do another IUI. Cons reckons 2/3 goes max as I'm getting older now & obviously prefers icsi as you're half way there but also says IUI hasn't been given much of a go at one go. I am getting older though & icsi is better odds. swings & roundabouts!
What is your plan of action? 
All the best    

Hope your neck's better!


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## bodia

Hi Ella,

Nice one re NHS appointment.

That's a tough one about what to do next.

I would probably say it's worth giving IUI another go if you are up for it. Although it can seem quite random compared to IVF/ICSI it works for some people. A single friend of mine got pg on her second go using donor sperm - she's 40 and is now 12 weeks pg.

My appointment went well. The con said he had been v hopeful as we were "textbook". All went well with the cycle - 13 eggs, 8 embryos, 6 good quality, 4 frosties and 2 put back, one of which was grade 4. So, he had no answers but said he was optimistic about our chances for the future. He talked to us about the poss of blastocysts if we have another fresh cycle. Do you know much about these? He said their success rate at the Esperance is about 45/50%!!!! It only costs another 370, so I don't know why it's not offered as standard practise if the success rates are that much higher. Obviously you might end up with no embies on day 5; but he said those embies that didn't survive wouldn't implant anyway. Hmmm. Need to think on and do some research methinks!

Meet 2 mates for coffee yesterday afternoon. Haven't seen one of them since Nov, and neither asked how I am, or anything at all about what's been going on with me. I know people don;t know what to say...but really!!!!  

Last day of half term today. Can't believe how quick it's gone. Starting my new job as acting manager on Monday so am a little nervous!

Take care and stay strong,

xx


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## Guest

I'm glad I've found this thread! I was still looking in the cycle buddies thread and feeling depressed! We had our first IVF cycle and although there were 6 follicles (not too bad considering they'd said the chances of success were low), we only got 1 egg at EC as there was a cyst in the way of 4 of the follicles, so they couldn't access them. So frustrating to think that there might have been more eggs there but they couldn't get too them...and of course they told us not to have sex in case of multiple embryos!!! The 1 egg didn't fertilise, unsurprisingly, so that was it. Strangely, I've been ok since then (2 weeks ago), probably because I've just brushed it under the carpet and not wanted to talk about it, but it's hit me today and I'm feeling quite down. I'm worried they'll tell us at our consultation that our next option is egg donation, and I'm just not ready to consider that.
Anyway, commiserations to all of us and at least it's good to know there are others who know how we feel...


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## Ella*

Hi Nellie,  . It really knocks you for six doesn't it! So much hinges on the outcome of the 2ww & it's all so unfair. When is your follow up? Even though I pretty much knew what would be said I found it therapeutic to move on. I am now looking ahead, next cycle & a few bits that need doing inbetween & by heck I hope it works next time!!

Bodia,
One thing I forgot re IUI.. that sometimes the follie is empty & that one/two follies you've grown on for IUI may be a complete waste of time  Wish they could check you were releasing an egg from the follie! I think maybe it is worth another IUI, maybe just the one. Oh I still don't know!
You being textbook sounds fanastic!! That's a phrase we'd all love to hear 
£370 for being in 50% success rate bracket sounds fab to me! & yes, why isn't it offered more often. No I don't know much about these but it sounds a really good option! 
Friends, arghh, indeed they are damned if they do & damned if they don't but just to ask how you are would be polite!!!! I am beginning to pull away from being as friendly with a quite close pregnant friend, she probably thinks me rude not asking how she is! I have told her we've been ttc for some time but no details. She doesn't ask how we are either. Swings & roundabouts. 
We'll get there!!!


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## bodia

Hi Girls,

Nellie -   My heart goes out to you hun. How hard it must've been to have got to that point. And how frustrating and unfair about that bloody cyst!   I am so sorry for you. All I can say is you are in the right place for some support amongst people who are in a similar boat so to speak! So, welcome!

Ella - I agree totally - there's no right or wrong way to approach this and I find myself getting frustrated and angry with people when the truth is they probably just don't know what to do. I am also so changeable...one minute I feel sociable, the next I never want to leave the house ever again! To be honest, I have found probs with friends has been one of the most stressful parts of IF. I have lost several "good" friends and I currently have at least 2 friends whom it is increasingly difficult to communicate with. I have been so disappointed by some people's inept support; but like you say damned if they do, damned if they don't. 

Saying that, yesterday I went for a walk with a pg mate and had a good afternoon. I am trying hard to keep the lines of communication open with as many people as poss....but it is hard sometimes as I am still grieving and am so sad (whilst trying to be positive about the future too!)

Another IUI sounds like a good plan to me. Any idea about when?

Nelly - when is your follow up? Do you have any answers about why you didn;t respond better? Perhaps next time they can up your drugs? Hope you are hanging in there.

Back to work (to my new job as acting manager tomorrow) Aargh!!!!

Take care all,

xx


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## Ella*

Bodia, you're right, the friendships are the hardest.

I too have flipped between being ultra sociable & a recluse. I was out to dinner with my pregnant friend last night. No longer can the bump be ignored, she's huge! I really worry how we'll be come the birth & yet if we were at similar stages then life would be perfect. I really don't know what to do. I'm worried they'll have only their newborn to talk about, understandably he/she will be their world & not sure I wan't to hear which is perhaps selfish but brings home our struggles all the more. I don't feel I need guilt to deal with on top of other emotions we have.

Enjoy your new job! Will keep your mind occupied for a while!


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## bodia

Hi Ladies,

Ella - I understand totally. I have taken to being very honest with friends. I have lots of pg mates at the mo - including one who gave birth a week ago. Sometimes (most of the time,) I feel fine about it, but if I am having a bad time then I might not be able to see them. I didn't speak to any of them whilst going through my 2ww as it would've just reminded me of what they have and I don't.

I say give yourself as much space as you need. It's not selfish (although, unfortunately others may see it as so.) My DH says that with all our pg mates they need to understand that we might not be able to celebrate their new babies with them until our situation is resolved (one way or the other - how ever long that may take!) I am perfectly fine with friends who had kids before July 2002....but struggle with those pg or newborns. But I am no longer beating myself up about this - I believe real friendships will survive even though there are tough times now when I may bot be up to seeing them / hearing details. Hang in there hon!!!

Nellie - how you doing?

Work was busy busy. Good, but a challenge. I like it but am secretly sad that my career is so important as I would like nothing more than giving up work to have babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care all,

xx


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## Guest

I agree too about the friends thing. I can sometimes feel myself withdrawing from people, and I know that's not good. Interesting what you say about not having a problem with people who had children before the time you started ttc...I'm just the same. Thankfully my brother's children are between 7 and 12 and I don't struggle with that at all. 

Do you find it hard to know who you can be really open with? Quite a few of my friends are single so I don't like to go on about it to them...seems insensitive. Then the ones who are pg and having babies I don't really want to talk to too much. I'm wary with people who haven't started their family yet, because who knows when they'll become pregnant and then it will feel awkward. So that just leaves the ones who have completed their family...and the likelihood is that they don't have a clue what it's like to be infertile. Just when we need support of our friends, those friendships are difficult!

I'm still feeling a bit fragile. Came into work today and had to act excited for a colleague whose sister has just had a baby. I often think that if I was only cocooned somewhere away from pregnant women and babies, I'd be fine!


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## valerieann

Just found this thread, didn't realise I could continue to post.  I got my BFN on Sunday, it was my first IVF but at the age of 45, I am running out of time.  Yes I secretly thought I might be pregnant even though I kept telling my DH that we shouldn't get our hopes up.  I kinda feel a bit fragile, today I cried when a salesman shouted at me for complaining that my cooker didn't work (I live in Dubai, customer service leaves a lot to be desired!)

Anyway my AF still hasn't arrived, as I usually have a 24 day cycle and I ovulated on 6th Feb - I am wondering when I should expect it to arrive.  I stopped taking the cyclogest (progesterone) on Sunday morning and assumed it would be imminent.    Also I want to ask - is it a normal period or a nightmare one ?    I feel really bad for everyone on here who have been through numerous treatments, I really have no idea how they get through it.  You must be very special ladies.

Hope someone can help with the dates for my AF ?


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## Ella*

*Bodia*, you are spot on with not having a problem with children born pre ttc! Never thought of that before.
The longer this road gets the harder I'm finding it. ( The road has not been short one even though I've only had one treatment. Wasted far too long trying naturally & being relaxed about it. & then the tests, waiting on nhs appointments, lack of donor sperm so another wait & so on) I feel really really flat at the moment but think it may also be pmt!  
My IUI would be April if March's hysteroscopy doesn't uncover anything otherwise another month. Not sure how dates fit if ivf with d'regging. I think we will do one more IUI but still not sure as don't want to waste a cycle & finance if little chance but then the same can happen with ivf/icsi... Oh why is this so hard!!! It's not like IUI is cheap either, works out £1400 a go for us ( IUI, drugs & donor sperm use), so 3 goes work out same as an ivf. ( ivf, drugs, use of donor sperm)
It is wonderful you love your job/career, it really is. An absolute blessing as how could you even hope to cope at the moment in a job you didn't like! How's it going?

Nelly, you too, yes, it's hard to know who to do what with. & yes, away from preg women it's hard but it's bearable, sort of! PG women everywhere! When is your follow up?

Valerieanne,  hope you're bearing up as best as you can & that is dire customer service, horrified!


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## Ella*

By the way, hilarious, I edited my previous post today as saw I'd written,
"Bodia you're tight," instead of right!


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## rosiebadgirl

laughing! i saw that yesterday and it made me laugh then too!!


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## bonzi_2002

Hi Ladies

I got my    yesterday and didn't know where to go.  I hope I can join this thread.  I am in tears alsmost every hour and having read some of your threads I could relate to everything you talked about.  I feel awful and a friend just called and made me feel even worse telling me how I have to focus on trying to get pregnant and forget about work.  I don't really understand what I am supposed to do, I am trying my best.  I hadn't told anyone about this tx apart from Fertility friends.  She really doesn't know how I feel right now and the last thing I need is someone telling me I got to get on with it. 

I feel all alone.  I found this thread and thought I would share my pain with you ladies as I am sure you would know how I feel right now.  

Love Bonzi
xxxxx


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## Guest

Bonzi, I'm so sorry to hear of your BFN. It's painful and hard and unfair and there's no other way of putting it. The only consolation is that yes, we do understand what you're going through. As far as your friend goes, no-one (not even people on FF) can tell you what to do, we're all different. Personally I find it helps to focus on work and the rest of life, instead of on getting pregnant, otherwise I would fall apart with the pressure, but everyone is different so you must find whatever way you can of trying to cope. Feel free to offload here if that helps.
I had a phone call from a friend yesterday who has been ttc for a year, and we've supported each other a bit...she's just got pregnant, and although of course i'm happy for her, it's SO painful too!


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## rosiebadgirl

poor bonzi.

you've come to the right place, you really have.



rosie xx


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## Pickle_99_uk

Hiya girls, 

I really wasn't going to post about our BFN this time, but I've read through this thread it you girls are making lots of sense.  We had our third BFN this morning.  No surprise at all as AF started 2 days ago.  We havent made it to test day yet.  I'm beginning to wonder when it will be our turn.  I can barely deal with pregnant friends, colleagues etc but I really have to think about self preservation so I'm beyond caring whether they think I'm selfish or not!  I'm even jealous when people on here geta bfp, even though I havent met them.  I'm obviously going loopy!

To top off a rubbish week, we were due to move house next weekend and our buyer dropped out yesterday.  I felt like in the space of a day we have ended up back at square one for treatment and house buying/selling.  

We'll try again (both treatment and to sell our house!).  We have a follow up appointment booked.  When we got a BFN this time last year I entered the race for life and spent 3 months training and giving myself that as a goal.  It worked a treat and I had something to focus on, so I'm doing the same this year.  A friend is doing it with me again so plenty or very short practice runs then the pub to recover I think!

Your thread has made me feel better so thanks to each of you.  I tend to step back from ff when we are not having treatment (again, self preservation - I dont want treatment to take over my life) but I will keep looking at this thread and how you are all doing.  Might see you on the inbetweenies thread?

Take care, 

Tracy xxx


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## Ella*

Bonzi & Pickle, I wish we weren't welcoming you to this thread but one day we'll all be on a bfp thread! Good idea re the race for life pickle, my body could do with a bit more exercise..... 
Rosie, I laghed too!  
Bodi, Nelly, how ya doing?
I lost a post I wronte, I wasn't saying much so no great loss so excuse this shorter post!


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## bodia

Hello Girls,

 welcome to Tracy and Bonzi - sorry to hear about your BFN's.

I started running 2 years ago and have done 2 race for life's so far and have entered one this year too. I became totally obsessed with running and exercise as I found it such a good focus and stress relief. I hadn't run at all for 3 months until Sunday; went for a lovely run and am planning a seafront run after work tomorrow.
I think it really helps to have something else to focus on; but it's hard too. I thought I would be straight back into exercise and socialising when I got my BFN, but 5 weeks on and I am only just dipping my toe in so to speak. I am fine with work (have a new job as acting manager which is keeping me v busy,) but outside of work I find it difficult as I desperately don't want to be able to run or go out to the pub....I want to be pg!!!!!!!!

I really loved my new job last week as it took my mind off things. This week has been tough (I'm a teacher and I work with excluded kids in a PRU,) and I have found that when I have felt down my mind has gone straight back to not being pg. I would love to be working but knowing I would be leaving in a  few months to go on maternity leave - as it is it feels as if I might well work forever more!!!!!

Tracy - sorry also to hear about your house. That's a nightmare. You deserve better and I hope your luck changes!

Also, still struggling with friends. I am happiest when with people who know about our IVF; they don;t need to know everything but I need to know I can talk to them if I need to. One friend in particular has been so useless; she just never mentions it as it makes her feel awkward! This then makes me feel as if I am not being true to myself as like it or lump it IF is a big part of my life at the moment! She never called me during the whole cycle, just sent texts and last week I emailled saying I'd been upset but I wanted to move on and I'd like her to call or email occasionally. She emailled back saying she was always thinking of me, (no apology,) and I haven't heard a peep from her since!

So, all in all girls, let's just be here for each other!!!!

Hope you are all OK and hanging in there.

xxx


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## Pickle_99_uk

Hiya, 

Bodia - I'm a teacher as well (though in a secondary school, not PRU) and I find going to the gym helps the stress levels.  I also had a friend who knew about our IF but didnt mention it.  At the time of our first cycle she was applying for a new job.  I talked that through with her countless times, listened to her worrying about the application process etc etc.  One day, I was at her house and started crying about the treatment.  I was so worried about it all.  She basically said "You'll be ok, so about my application..." then started talking about her job application again.  I was so angry.  I know some people find it hard to talk about but she knew how upset I was and made me feel like I was completely overreacting about the whole thing.  We've drifted apart since then and I'll admit to not trying to stay in touch with her.  

Hope you girls are all hanging in there.  I'm keeping busy - just cooked a yummy Sunday lunch for hubby, been to the gym, been shopping, planned some lessons, walked my parents dog while they are on holiday and we are soon off to watch the basketball (got a season ticket for the local team).  Feeling a bit like a domestic goddess today!  Thought about not being pg about a thousand times so its an improvement on the last few days!

Take care, 

Tracy xx


----------



## Ella*

Pickle, fancy you being a teacher too. There's a lot of teachers on here!

Oh my post is a me post. Sorry! How are you all & how have the follow-ups been?

I had my hysteroscopy today. I'm going to paste what I have written on another thread so excuse the copying. So I guess following what I've written below that's me out till June. Shall we move our thread over the inbetweens?  


Cons found a polyp. At first in a twisted way I was pleased. That's another thing sorted, move on now.
But she couldn't remove it without me being under a general because of how it was situated. I am scared of having a GA, never had one & as pleased as I am that it's only a month wait, it's still a month wait. Beg April. Then it'll be the cycle after next before starting treatment. That cycle finishes end April so the following one finished end May so it's June onwards for treatment  
I know you all have had your own hurdles but grief how many hurdles do we need to go through? My friend has her baby in June ( another friend, another baby, I know we all have this) & I so prayed that by the slim chance that I'd be pregnant by then.  
& this hysteroscopy flamin hurt, not like hsg or IUI at all, I guess because cons was trying to remove polyp. I asked her to keep trying as I didn't want GA but understandably she wouldn't. 
I can't believe all the waiting, it's a wonder we've had any treatment at all. Now from Jan it's June for next treatment just because of a polyp! & that's with fast appointments. It's crazy  

Sorry ladies... Believe it or not I feel marginally better for writing.


----------



## Moshy29

Hi Ladies

Ella - sorry to hear about the polyp hun, GA is really not that bad at all, I had a hysteroscopy, Lap & Dye under GA.  When they gave me the anasthetic I I felt a strong tingling that started in my hand and by the time it got to my elbow that is all I remember!!!  You might be uncomfortable after but get DH to spoil you rotton (lap it up!).  June isn't so far away either and we have spring and summer to look forward to! I hope you are feeling happier soon.

I wonder if I can join in your ongoing post about friends & colleagues being pg.  I had my first IVF cycle which resulted in a BFN on 16th Feb - the ugly witch got to me before testing day the cow!  I cannot believe how badly I dealt with the whole thing and was signed off work for 2 weeks and went back yesterday.

In my dept of 7 I am already working with a smug father to be who is giving a 9 month running commentary.  Now if that wasn't bad enough, we have just had a new MD start (whist I was off sick) and i met him yesterday where he informed me that his wife is due in May and then went on about scan appts and due dates etc - I am sure he was expecting me to ask the usual exciting baby news type q's but I am really not interested in knowing!  I felt like saying oh that's great, I have just been off for 2 weeks beacuse my IVF failed!
My bestest friend in the world announced her pregnancy to me on the day I booked in for IVF, sadly she has since miscarried but I know it is just a matter of time before I have to go through the whole painful acceptance thing again.

I feel like the world is ganging up on me and rubbing my infertility in my face. It sucks and I am fed up!.......oh and looking for a new job!

Sorry to be so negative, would love to hear your ideas for picking youself up after such a major disappointment.  I am generally a positive upbeat kind of person but at the moment, the only way I can deal with this is by ignoring it and not thinking about it .....that will last probably until af rears her ugly head again in a week or so.....but until then, I live in hope that we will get a natrual miracle!

Love and hugs to all

Moshy x x x


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Ella -   What a tough tome you've had. Sending you love and strength. All I can say, is that it is good they have found something, as hopefully once that's been removed you will get pg. It might have been the one thing that was stopping you. 
I can identify about the GA. The whole of the IVF process I was terrified, it was my worse fear. Before having it I was crying to much; the anesthetist didn't know what to do! But it really was fine. I had emla cream (defo ask for this,) on my hands so I didn't feel the needle. My DH was allowed down to theatre to hold my hand; which made me feel better. Then a lovely nurse talked to me; and no one actually told me when I was going to drift off; I remember talking and then I remember waking up in recovery. I was told afterwards I was fighting the drugs and they nearly needed a mallet to knock my out!  
I also know how frustrating it is having to wait for tx. But, by June / July I will be having tx agaibn - so we'll be cycle buddies and keep each other going!   Hang in there hun.

I have noticed how many teachers there are on here...and have wondered if there is a connection somewhere. Someone should do a study! 

Moshy -   to you also. So sorry about your BFN. It's so hard isn;t it? Until recently I have been OK (ish) with other's pg's announcements. But when I started IVF, I had 4 close friends all announce their pg's within a few weeks and I took that badly. I decided that the only way to keep sane was to explain to all of them I needed a bit of space whilst going through IVF. Although I knew they were thinking of me; it waa too much to bear to have them asking caring questions etc when I knew they had what I so desperately hoped for. Now IVF is over, I am trying hard to put my life back together. One of the hardest things I have found is feeling let down by friends. I am working with a 5 month pg woman; she is prett sensitive about it all thankfully. The other pg mates I am trying to accept and get on with; and again, most of the time it's OK. But I don't want to speak or see them very much which is hard as it's also left me feeling lonely as they are the people I would usually share my thoughts and feelings with.
I think the only way forward is to be honest if you can. Sometimes you will feel OK, and other times you won't. Don't ever underestimate the trauma of IF tx and allow yourself to do whatever you feel like...even if that means isolating yourself sometimes!

My failed IVF was 6 weeks ago now. I am better in that I am holding down a challenging job. I am only just starting to be "normal" in other ways though. I have only just started exercising again (and now have done my back in and so that's out of the question for a week or so.... ) I have only just started doing anything vaguely sociable; and even now I only can cope with small doses. I sometimes feel like a shadow of the person I was before all this.

Yesterday I had a terrible evening. AF is 13 days late and although I thought it's prob still the drugs leaving my system I allowed myself a little tiny bit of hope (otherwise, what have we got?!) I tested last night and sure enough got another negative. I got very upset; cried and cried. I am so desperate to see a blue line in the right place! No one can understand this if they haven't been through it. I am angry and upset and I often feel like things will never get better. Then I pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going....

Anyway, sorry this is a me post. But am identifying with what all of you are saying!

Take care girls...we will get there and we will get better. We are all strong and brave and we have to cope with so much, but we are in this together.   

xxx


----------



## Moshy29

Hi Bodia

Big   to you.  I know this is so hard!  And it doesn't help that the old   wants to taunt you.  Hopefully you will get af soon and move on.  I know when I got my negative, I just assumed I would get a period from hell and just wanted it out the way.  

Well time has whizzed by because I am due again by end of next week, still hoping for that Natural miracle in between tx, but can't help thinking if IVF didn't work what hope do we have naturally?  Not the right attitude I know - sorry!

I am sorry you are feeling isolated, I know what you mean.  I find that my social circle diminishes with every pg announcement!  It is rubbish, but we only have so much strength and there is no guarantee of how long this journey will take us so we have to do all we can to protect ourselves along the way, espeically emotionally.  If your friends are good ones, they will understand.

On the job front, I was offered an interview today and then got home to get a message for another interview.  When I go for them I will be doing a scout round for how many pg people I see before I make a decision!!!


Hi to anyone else reading this thread.

Love Moshy
x x x x x x x


----------



## bodia

hi All,

Moshy - sounds sensible re the interviews; but well done you for being in demand!!!!

I got my AF 2 days after testing negative on my IVF cycle. I am now due (well 2 weeks overdue,) AF for my next cycle. Still no sign. But no hope as I tested on Tuesday.   Why does nature have to be so cruel?!!!

I know what you mean about the social circle diminishing....just as well we have got each other on here otherwise we could be in danger of going seriously ^headspin^

I have a busy day today; better get on with it.

Thinking of you all girls, and sending loads of love.

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Bodia & Moshy, thanks so much for sharing GA experience etc. It's all knocked me a bit. I lay awake thinking about it last night & am getting in a state... I just don't want it, I just don't..

Yes we keep going. Hugs to all of you!

Oh the pregnant friend, just reported they've finished painting there new kitchen & lounge etc ... & the nursery... I changed the subject. I feel awful. I just want her to hold off! Not painting lol, birth. But the world can't stop having children whilst we struggle. I really don't know how to deal with it & be fair to them too. Time to tell them more detail & see if we can maintain some sort of friendship. How crazy is this?


----------



## Moshy29

Ella - I know that this can be a personal experience and not everyone wants to share the info with their friends etc but sometimes, honesty is the best thing and I am sure if they knew you were struggling they would try to be a little more sensitive.  I think this is something every single FF has had to cope with and it really isn't fair big    to you!.......and stop worrying about the GA, you will know nothing about it, in fact, it is almost a nice feeling as you drift off to sleep x

Bodia, sorry hun, I misunderstood  , I thought that you hadn't had af after the -tive test and you were still waiting.  Now I understand this, I will not get my hopes up that my af will arrive next week.  Do you normally have a regular cycle?  What do you do in your job?

I really need to get some motivation to get my lazy **** down the gym for some toning but every night I get in and its dark I just want to snuggle up.  Hopefully this attitude will change when the clocks go back and we start to feel like spring has arrived.

Today, just before I left work, my new boss excitedly announced that he had to leave on time as he was off to anti-natal classes.....I thought well f*ucking good for you (scuse language!) and made an excuse to leave so I didn't get brought into the conversation.  Tomorrow I have to have my 1:1 with him about me - what I like/dislike, about the job what I like/dislike, things I would like to change etc etc.  Given that I am looking for a new job and can't wait to leave I think I need to engage serious LIE mode and get it over with asap - wish me luck!!!!

Thinking of you all and sending love and a big  

Moshy x x x


----------



## bodia

Hi Girlies,

Moshy - good luck with your meeting with boss. Just nod and smile and hang in there! My cycles are usually 28-32 days. This one is currently 43 days!!!!! But as you know I tested BFN on Tues. Called clinic yesterday and they said it'll just be the drugs and to call back in 10 days or so if it still hasn't arrived. Now I know I'm not pg, at least I am not knicker checking I suppose.

I am a teacher. Am currently acting deputy head of a Pupil Referral Unit for excluded and naughty kids!

Ella - I have found it so hard talking to pg friends about our IF. But, I do believe if they are real friends, however awkward it might be for now, eventually the friendship will get back on track. My best mate is about 18 wks. I am v close to her 6 yr old son and her 14 yr old step son. We usually speak every week and see each other at least monthly. She has tried to be v sensitive about things, and gave me space when I was having IVF. To be totally honest, things are a little difficult as she misses our closeness, as do I, but sometimes I just don't feel like speaking to her. I haven't seen her since Boxing Day, but I plan to see her next weekend. I am sure things will continue to be tough, until our situation is resolved one way or another (which let's face it, could take some time yet!) The hardest thing I think is being lonely once your closest friends move on and get pg; but like you say, the world can't stop having babies! Hang in there.
Also, think about having acupuncture or another alternative therapy to help combat your GA fear. I was exactly the same. I promise you, it really will be OK. 

Lots of love to all of you.

My back is still really bad; am walking around like a cripple and am in pain! Am starting to feel like a blob from lack of exercise also!!!!!!

have a good Friday all,

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Moshy, hope your 1 to 1 went ok. Argh, to have your boss 'expecting'. That's the worst as harder to ignore! 

Bodia, hope your back has improved! Must drive you nuts not being able to exercise when you are such an active person. I am reasonably active - have horse & dogs so ride & walk a lot but it isn't as active as running! I get breathless a bit too quickly jogging along...


----------



## rosiebadgirl

bah! i just wrote a lengthy post about all that ails me on this, the FIFTY-FIRST day of my cycle without a bleed and the sodding thing disappeared. zilch. nothing. nada.

grumble grumble.

xx


----------



## Moshy29

Hi Ladies

Sorry you lost your post Rosie, that is just sooo frustrating!!!  Fifty One Days - you mean nothing since Jan?

Bodia - any signs for you?

Sorry if this is a bit of a 'me' post but I am feeling really sad and am fed up of trying to tell people who don't understand just how **** i feel ! ! !

I wish I could turn back time 3-4 years before this IF journey began and be the person I was then all over again but with added knowledge, wisdom and appreciation for the good things in life!  I feel I am a shadow of the person I once was.  I feel full of anger, bitterness and self pity, I hate it.  I just want to feel happy again...you know really happy when you feel as though you are smiling on the inside and everything glows - not that false smile and persona you put on to all those around you that don't know anything about our IF problems and longing to have a family.

So far since our 1st failed IVF on 16th Feb:

- Signed off work by GP for 2 weeks - dealt with the -tive VERY badly and have never cried so much in  my life.
- Eventually go back to work to a new MD - his wife is about to have a baby and he is 'sooo' excited and wanting to share his news with everyone in minute detail - all the baby purchases, content of anti-natal classes, midwife visits etc etc 
- One of the other guys in my dept (who already annoys me immensely) - his wife is preg and am getting 'all the scan updates!) -  There are only 7 fu*king people in our department, how unlucky am I ??!??! 
- HR call me in and ask me to see the Occupational Health Nurse due to me being signed off with a stress related problem - I decline as I think they are being nosey - I have only had 2 weeks off for christs sake!
- Yesterday - Hubby's step-sister has a baby boy! DH's mum tells us the news (excitedly - how did she expect us to react?)....DH has his own bizz currently set up at his mum's house - consequently, he didn't even go to work today as he was feeling particularly depressed.
- Today - get email from a lovely girl I used yo babysit for when I was between the ages of 12-14 (she is now about 22) and has just had a baby girl.
- Today - vague slight spotting and af pains, all the signs are there that the evil witch will arrive by the weekend, I suppose I should be thankful that it appears to be on time, but once more I will have to break the news to DH and see the sadness and heartache in his eyes.

Just now waiting for my best friend to tell me she is pg again (sadly she had a m/c in Jan) but it is only a matter of time.  There was once a time when I would be genuinely delighted to hear people's baby news and now I just hate myself for begrudging it to everyone, it isn't who I really am.

I can't help but feel this whole thing is being rubbed in my face every single day and for the first time today at lunchtime I sat and thought about the fact that I didn't think I had the strength to keep dealing with this and I would rather not be here      .  

I know in comparrison to some, my journey has been relatively short but life is just so unfair and I want happy fun times again.  I don't just want my life to be about having a baby, yet this is the one thing I want more than anything else, and the thing I have always wanted.  How can I have happy, fun times and be the old 'me' when inside I feel that I will always be unhappy until I have what I have always wanted in my life?

I wish I didn't leave it so late, I wish I wasn't responsible and waited till I had a decent job paying a reasonable salary, married to a lovely husband with our own home, because now our home feels so empty.

I am sure my feelings right now echo alot of how you feel or have felt at some point on this wretched journey, I just needed to get it out of my head!

Thanks for listening.

Love & Hugs to all

Moshy x x x


----------



## LB

Dear Moshy

so sorry you are feeling this way.

It is a difficult road this IF road but i truly hope you achieve your dream.  Sometimes it feels like everyone around you is happy and going places and it is so hard.  Try to stay strong but cry when you need to. Life and luck have a habit of changing when you least expect it.

keeping everything crossed that you move forward and catch your dream. 
LB
X


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Rosie -     AF dance for you. I am on Day 49 today so I am just behind you girl!!! Why is this happening?! How messed up must our bodies be?!!!!

Moshy -   Your post bought tears to my eyes. I think in terms of your feelings, just about anyone of us on here could've written that. It's so hard isn't it?! I know exactly what you mean about being a shadow of the person you were before all this...I am totally the same. I must say for me, things didn't get as bad as this until after I had my failed IVF, so I think it's a completley normal reaction.
You have had lots of things happening to those around you all at the worse possible time (I can identify with this.)

There are no easy answers but I am sending you lots of love and strength. We are all here for each other, and everyone on this thread understands exactly what you are talking about.

My pg best friend is visiting tomorrow. She has a 6 year old who I am very close to, but I haven't seen her since Chrissy so I know she will be showing more. I feel terrible but the truth is I am seeing her out of a sense of obligation rather than because I want to. I know I will find it hard. Yesterday she sent a text out of the blue saying she was going for a scan; I then spent the next hour thinking about how lovely it would be to be having scans!

I am mad busy at work which keeps me out of trouble, although sometimes I think how sad am I working to try to forget everything!! Also, have been drinking more than usual - not lots but more than I would usually. Back's still bad; have been taped up all week until today. Having acupuncture and osteopathy today so hope that might help. Am feeling like a lump from doing no exercise! And....OFSTED are coming next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, better crack on. Thinking of you all,

xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

wahh!



day 57 and the witch has just arrived!

it's good news - despite the fact that i'm in school with a year 7 english class to be taught in an hour, terrible cramps and a mere yard of loo roll holding the fort.

ah well. at least it means i'm back in action again.

xx


----------



## bodia

Nice one Rosie,

My AF arrived on Sun - Day 51! It was the first time in 5 years I'd been pleased to see her. My oseteopath thinks my back probs were due to hormonal changes in my never ending cycle...I had begun to wonder if it was the menopause, so all in all; glad to be back in action!
Gotta go, as being inspected by OFSTED today!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

how was ofsted?

we had ours before christmas and got outstanding...

which was nice.

good luck with yours!

xx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Well....We are "a good school with some outstanding features" which when you think we are a special school across 5 sites, for kids with EBSD...is fab! Everyone's dead pleased!
My lesson was observed and held up as an example of good practice!

Am glad it's over though.

How is everyone on here?

I am OK. A friend got her 3rd BFN from IVF today, and I feel so sad for her. It's so bloody unfair and no one really knows what it's like unless they've been through it. Now I know how awful and life shattering an IVF BFN is I will be completley terrified next time...

Rosie; when are you going to have your FET? Are you going for Blastocysts? Can't remember how mahy frosties you have?

I am having everyone from work round tonight for a poker  night....should be a laugh.

Then....am going to be in the audience on BBC 3's Castaway Exposed on Sun at 10pm! Filming is on Sat with Richard Bacon. My mate and I know a guy (Joe Chicken) who's on the island in NZ; we went to school with him. The bizzare thing is my mate knows 2 people; she teaches the kid of Wendy (also on island,) so the production company asked her to go on; and she asked me! Might be interviewed!!!!! How exciting!

Take care all, thinking of you,

xx


----------



## Flaming Nora

HI ladies, can I join your thread for a bit.  I got a BFN this week, from my first IVF.  The whole cycle was a bit of a f*ck up basically, I produced three mature eggs, three immature eggs and they couldn't access the other two   Of the three mature eggs, only one of the poor blighters fertilised and that was put back in on day 2.  Unfortunately it didn't work.  I feel quite numb about the whole thing, really.  I did plenty of crying when we had such a disastrous result after EC, so I've hardly wept at all this week. I'm seeing the Consultant next week, and I will have plenty to say to her as you can imagine  

I'm also sick of people telling me to be bloody positive about things, I just felt so negative throughout the whole cycle for some reason.  If I could have changed that I would have done - but I literally cannot 'think myself' positive, no matter how hard I try.  Sorry to moan   

Nora
xxxxx


----------



## Moshy29

Hey Nora

Firstly, really sorry to hear of your bfn......don't worry about moaning hun, that is what we are all here for!! And we all know how rubbish you are feeling  .

Don't beat yourself up about feeling negative though, this whole process is pretty depressing not to mention invasive, it is hardly a pleasurable experience so feeling on top of the world all the way through would be pretty difficult for anyone.  

On a positive note, at least you are seeing your consultant next week to follow up so you can discuss the outcome and your thoughts fairly quickly and move on to your next plan of action, there is nothing worse that it hanging over you and having to wait weeks for an follow up appt.  I hope the follow up gives you some positive thoughts for your next tx.

Bodia / Rosie....well done on those good OFSTED results, you must be proud!  I hope you are both doing ok.

I have to say I am really looking forward to spring and summer with the clocks going forward this weekend, it always puts be in a brighter mood.

Also, we had a letter from our Fertility Clinic this morning as after our BFN, I ask our consultant to find out what had happened to the 6 embies we donated to research (that were not good enough quality on day 3 to be frozen due to fragmentation - 1 grade C and 5 grade D, where 'A' is best).  Apparently 2 of them made it to blastocyst by day 6 and one had made it to early blast stage in the same time frame and they were of medium quality.  I know this is slightly slower progress that they would normally expect to see but given that they weren't great quality to begin with, I hadn't expected any of them to make it so it has given me a little encouragement.  The little boost I needed to start considering cycle number 2.  And you never know, the embies might all be better next time.

Has anyone heard of any ways to improve embie quality?  Was just thinking that if we have our next tx in 2-3mths time, I have time to get myself to optimum health before then, if there is anymore I can do than I already am!

Love to all and hope you are having a good weekend.

Moshy x x


----------



## Flaming Nora

HI Moshy

Thanks for your lovely words.

It's good to know your other embryos made it it to blast - if they can get that far, then surely implantation and pregnancy seems a very good possibility next time!!  

TBH I am not sure what to do about the embryo quality - only taking vitamins and being healthy with a balanced diet etc can possibly help to make the eggs as optimum as they can, but then look at all these bloody crack addicts that get pregnant, I wonder what state *their* eggs are in - it's sooooo not fair 

I am doing yoga - I just took a break for four weeks while I did this cycle, but it is supposed to help all the endocrine systems, as well as I find it really enjoyable. So that might be worth a go, Moshie - there are certain positions that are supposed to help with increasing blood flow to the ovaries. I can always post up the advice my yoga teacher gave me, if anyone wants it although it is not really to do with IVF but fertility in general.

Nora
xxxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi everyone,
Was hoping not to have post in here! No offence intended! So today is my first  from IVF. Have been having  's for the past 3 years ttc naturally. But after a total of 46 injections, numerous scans up my doodah,(leaving home at 06.30am) my first G.A. needles up my doodah ( while under G.A but should count for something!) then bullets up my bum, I kinda had high hopes!! To anyone reading ths about to do IVF a) it wasn't that bad really.
                                                 b) you shouldn't be reading the negative board!!
Soooo gutted I can't tell you! My clinic has quite good results, but somehow that makes it worse! 
Feel so sorry for letting down my dp and dd.
Feel so sorry that my stupid body didn't nourish & grow those lovely embies.
Feel really scared that I will NEVER be pregnant again.
Feel guilty feelng like that, at least I have dd.
Feel generaly quite pooo.
Took dd to ballet today. When I picked her up there were some heavily pg women there. They were moaning about how they couldn't bend over to pick anything up off the floor because they were SO PREGNANT. No disrespect to them, but I wanted to slap them! Even dp noticed it , he is normally oblivious!
I think he has taken this quite hard, I'm so sorry dp. 
Have been posting all over the place today! Think it is helping to spread my misery, and bad vibes around. A problem halved and all that...
Oh yeah, then we thought we would cheer ourselves up and remind ourselves of the good things in life and book next wekend to eurodisney. It's easter, and do you know there is not a free bedroom in the whole park! Not our day today for sure. The travel agent indicated that we had left it rather late to book, (you don't say!) I felt like screaming at her I didn't know that I needed a mini break until today, because I didn't know that MY IVF HAD FAILED UNTIL TODAY!!!!!!!
I refrained, and politel said we would go away, and have another think. Should really be searching internet for ideas, but I am a fertility friendoholic, so I'm here! It helps.
Enough me thinks,
your sad pal 
Cindersxxx
P.s Sorry your bfn's too! It's so c**p isn't it?


----------



## cinders35

Hello again,
Bit of time has passed and I am somewhat calmer! Still feel c**p about not being preggers. But can now see that it is only one part of my life, it helps that we have managed to find a bedroom in eurodisney! So we will have a nice few days away to try and remember that life can be fun!
Sorry if I scared you all away with my rant!
Love Cindersxx


----------



## Flaming Nora

Hey Cinders it's good to have a rant, I think we all know where you are coming from !!!    Have a good time at Eurodisney  


Nora
xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

drumroll 

guess what!

i've just spoken to the clinic and they've scheduled my next treatment! i'm feeling excited and wanted to share my news! 

 ok drumroll again 

10 april - gonapeptyl again
30 april - baseline scan and start injections that night
07 may - day 8 scan
11 may - day 12 scan
14 may - egg collection
16/17 may - embryo transfer

s'citing isn't it!

only 13 more sleeps and i'm back in the game! of course, on the downside it's only 13 more sleeps till i'm menopausal again and i can't say i'm looking forward to that so much.

but oh girlies, at least i'm going to get another chance.

the cats are gonna be made up when i tell them tonight.

xxx


----------



## Flaming Nora

Good luck Rosie!! Fingers crossed that it will work this time for you  

WE had our consultation yesterday and she says we can start again in June, after two periods.  She also told us to try  naturally in the meantime as apparently the hormones have a residual effect and some people concieve between IVF cycles - can't say I'm looking forward to 'timed' sex again, but there you go   We're going for Short Protocol this time so she can get a tighter control over things.


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Just a quickkie as busy busy busy today!

Welcome Nora and Cinders.

Rosie...  Nice one! I will be with you every step of the way and wishing you lots of positivity. Hope this is your time.

Moshy / Ella hope you are well.

I am off to Barcelona tomorrow for 4 nights!!! I am so excited but my bloody back is playing up again and had to go to the osteopath again yesterday. He has put more tape across the base of my spine for support; have to take it off tomorrow. So, am keeping everything crossed that I will be better by tomorrow. So need a break, this year I've had failed IVF, promotion, endless back probs and OFSTED!

Take care girls, will be in touch when I get back.

xx


----------



## Pickle_99_uk

Hi girlies, 

Just an update from me too...Its great to read that some of you are getting going again.  best of luck.

We had our follow up yesterday and it wasnt good.  I cant egg share again as the quality of my eggs is poor.  we are upset that they failed to mention this until we've had 3 cycles.  I thought my eggs were fine.  Not egg sharing also means that we have to pay for future cycles ourselves.  we dont have the money for that so it feels like a huge hurdle has been put in our way now.  Quite fed up but not giving up yet.  We will start saving and look into changing clinics.

Stay in touch girls, 

Tracy 

p.s. Bodia - well done for surviving ofsted.  They are due for us any day now!


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi Bodia,
I'm new to the site but an old hat at BFN's.
Had a little tear myself when I read your sad news 
Hope you get better luck next time xx
​


----------



## cinders35

Hi all,
Back from disney (paris). EXHAUSTED! But on the plus have had no time to think about bfn, needed a break from it! Better go and crank up the washing machine!
Cindersxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hey bodia,

hope you're enjoying your break. school holidays are just the best aren't they.
and thanks for your support, honey. my medicines all arrived by courier this morning so not long now. a week today and i'll be on the downward menopausal spiral. oh joy. i'll be as dry as the gobi desert by my birthday at the end of the month. further joy! but all for a good cause i hope.

right. i make it biscuit o'clock.

xx


----------



## Ella*

Hello ladies!!
Sorry I haven't popped in sooner. 
*Rosie*, so fantastic you're back on the crazy bandwaggon!
*Cinders*, disneyland, cool! Never been!
Hi *Kathryn & Nora*  ( Nora, pees me off to think here I am working with my own eggs now I am too old to donate so they're no good for anyone else but hopefully good enough for me! Bizarre really 
*Bodia*, hope you had a great time & well deserved break in Barcelona! Gawd it's been a year hasn't it!
*Moshy*, how are you?


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i plan to _drive_ the crazy bandwagon! all welcome. hop on or off at will. and ella, i shall expect to see you sat alongside me - at least post-anaesthetic anyway! some reassurance may be needed!

so put it in your diaries. the bandwagon will be leaving at gonapeptyl o'clock on tuesday...

xx


----------



## Ella*

rosiebadgirl said:


> i plan to _drive_ the crazy bandwagon! all welcome. hop on or off at will. and ella, i shall expect to see you sat alongside me - at least post-anaesthetic anyway! some reassurance may be needed!
> 
> so put it in your diaries. the bandwagon will be leaving at gonapeptyl o'clock on tuesday...
> 
> xx


Tuesday! Ready to crack a bottle of champers on its side as it leaves it's garage!
I hope to hop on late May all being well but will jump on for a scenic ride to keep you company. Can't have you driving all that time with no company, besides you'll need a map reader! You'll need to remember to lock up whenever you park too! There's a lot to remember when on the crazy bandwaggon!


----------



## Flaming Nora

Pickle_99_uk said:


> Hi girlies,
> 
> Just an update from me too...Its great to read that some of you are getting going again. best of luck.
> 
> We had our follow up yesterday and it wasnt good. I cant egg share again as the quality of my eggs is poor. we are upset that they failed to mention this until we've had 3 cycles. I thought my eggs were fine. Not egg sharing also means that we have to pay for future cycles ourselves. we dont have the money for that so it feels like a huge hurdle has been put in our way now. Quite fed up but not giving up yet. We will start saving and look into changing clinics.
> 
> Stay in touch girls,
> 
> Tracy
> 
> p.s. Bodia - well done for surviving ofsted. They are due for us any day now!


Hi to everyone xxxx

Sorry to hear that Pickle, remember with the drugs for any future cycles, you can try to get your GP to fund them for you - that is what we are trying to do, and you just pay for the actual procedure. It is the drugs that cost a lot of money, as well as the egg collection etc. Sorry to hear you can't egg share anymore, or about the 'quality' (btw what is your FSH) - all it needs is one good egg, remember, to get pregnant on IVF. It is incredible that they haven't noticed this about your eggs before - perhaps they really don't have a clue and that is why they are saying it!! If I was you, I would ask for a copy of all your notes and get a second opinion - you have nothing to lose, although it will cost some money for the consultation.

All of you lot seem to be teachers, well I can't imagine what an Ofsted inspection is like, however I'm a nurse, so I have the dubious pleasure of working in the bureaucratic nightmare that is the NHS 

PS talking about FSH I met my old manager last week....trying for years to get preggers, had one failed IVF on 450iu Gonal which produced no eggs....now pregnant at 24 weeks and an FSH of 20 !!!!


----------



## bodia

Hello Girlies,


Hope all well with you guys. Had a totally fab time in Barcelone - depsite the fact it rained a lot! Needed a break so much. Have to go on detox now though...been eating and   too much. Went to the gym for the first time in ages today...so pray my back doesn't go again now!!!

Rosie - how exciting / scary at the same time!!!! One thing I meant to ask though; did you get any frosties last time? Are you going to try blastocysts this time? Hope you enjoying your hols.  

Nora - how do you get your GP to pay for drugs? Our last cycle was NHS, have to pay for it from now on. My GP is pretty supportive, but haven't approached the subject of paying for drugs yet, so any tips appreciated!

Ella - hope you are OK and having good holiday also. I am hoping we will be cycle buddies together!

Kathryn -   welcome an thanks for your kind words. I think everyone on here's had a long journey and unfortunately it ain't over yet. What's going on with you?

Tracy -   so sorry to hear about your eggs. It sounds like a second opinion would be useful. Which clinic are you at? Hope it isn't ruining your Easter hols.


Hello to everyone else.


Now I only have 6 weeks left at work before I go back to my old job, and towards the end of this time we'll plan our next tx. Getting a bit impatient now!!!! Still not sure whether to use our frosties or go for a fresh blasto cycle. Just want whatever we decide to work so much!!!!

Hope everyone us enjoying the weather. Happy Easter!

xx


----------



## Flaming Nora

Hi Bodia,


Barcelona is a great city isn't it...I love Spain (not that the residents of Barcelona would call themselves Spanish !! ) - great country, great culture and great food!! I went up the Sagrada (?correct spelling) Familia when we there....well it was so high up, I had to come straight back down again, even though we had queued for a bloody hour to get the lift.  Mr Nora was bemused to say the least  

I don't know if our GP will pay for our drugs, but we can only ask...that is what our Consultant advised us to do. I think our drugs will come to over a grand, at least, this time as she is going for max. stimulation.  Some GP's will pay for them, and our Consultant was optimistic about it, she is going to write him a letter as well.  Do you have any drugs left over from last time as well Bodia, because as long as they haven't expired I presume you can use them...but obviously check it with the Doc first.  

Interesting you are talking about blasts, but when I discussed them with my Consultant and whether we should go for them or not next time (depending, of course, on whether I get more than one freaking embryo     )...she said that there is no difference in the live birth rate between embryos or blastocytes...there IS a higher rate of pregnancy in blasts but this does not translate to babies.  

Hope everyone else is OK, looks like a few of us will be on the c-rrrrrazy bandwagon soon doesn't it? I'm sure looking forward to those pimples and headaches - can't wait!!!!  

Love
Nora
xxxxxx


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi Bodia,

Glad to hear you've had some good chill out time, it really helps doesn't it   
I've finished my last (of 6) cycle of clomid - all BFN and am now waiting for IUI. Therefore its au naturallein the intrim  . Just had a major blow out this weekend and will now get back on track ready for our "window of opportunity" this month!

Hope the next few weeks go quick for you hun    
Take care
Kathrynxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Nora - I love Barcelona and La Sagrada Familia is beautiful; have never made it up the top though, so hats off to you! I have some drugs left over, so I will use those and go to see my GP also, As I will probably have FET I don't think I need too may drugs thank the lord!

Kathryn - Sorry to hear the eveil clomid didn't do the trick. How long's the IUI wait? How many cycles do you get? I had 6; they are OK really. I have given up worrying about major blow up's- am drinking every night at the moment!  

Started stripping the wallpaper in my bathroom yesterday; much bigger job than I thought!!!!

Take care all,

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hi bodia, good to hear you had a good holiday. back to the real world now though eh what with the bathroom stripping... something which promises all manner of sexy good times yet only ever seems to come up with a big pile of soggy paper around your ankles.

as for how many frosties i have, well, it's a touchy subject really. we had 11 embryos altogether, of which 2 were put back but out of the 9 remaining embryos they only froze 2! the frosties we have are 8 celled grade 2 (the ones we had transferred at the time were 8 celled grade 1) and the others which they destroyed were all 6 and 7 celled.

this cycle of ivf will hopefully produce more embryos suitable for freezing and this time i will be insisting they freeze all of them. we can't afford to just throw away embryos without damn good reason...

bah

xx


----------



## Ella*

Sexy bathroom stripping Bodia? There's a new one! You can keep it 

Rosie, you tell em! Grief, who do they think they are! not consulting you? That's bad!

Best to you all!


----------



## rosiebadgirl

ah i reckon they know who we are. we're nhs.

i just count myself lucky to be getting funded treatment at all to be honest. but man alive! they were MY embies not theirs.

anyway, as a gesture of thanks for all their efforts, i plan to send them a lovely big cake on the day of my egg collection which they'll receive once i have arrived safely home.

there may or may not be an edible transfer photograph my stern face on top with a clear message in icing underneath:
[fly]
 step away from the bin [/fly]

that might do it.

xx


----------



## bodia

Hello All,

Rosie - How's it all going? Like your cake idea!!!  

Hope everyone is OK.

Have had a lovely Easter hols (until today - back to school!) But the last few days I have been feeling very emotional and have also been feeling very lonely. Have friends locally but feel disconnected from most of them. Have 2 very good friends who are very supportive, but neither live locally. Saw 2 friends for dinner on Friday and cried when they left as I actually felt that they have no idea how sad I am inside and tx is never really mentioned. I just don;t think most people understand what a trauma the failed IVF was and I am very good at hiding it I suppose.

Anyway, sorry for the me post!

Thinking of you all,

xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi Bodia,
Hope you don't mind me butting in? Could relate to tour feelings so just thought I would poke my nose in!
I know how you feel. It's difficult for our df's to understand. How can they when they haven't been through it? It is such an all consuming part of our lives, to go out and not mention it must be torture! Perhaps they were not sure if you wanted to talk about it and were playing it safe waiting for you to bring it up? Perhaps if you stop doing such a good job of hiding your feelings, you might find your df's are able to offer some support? 
I don't tend to hide my feelings so much as let them out, and I worry about being a complete bore to all my df's!! Think they will be just as relieved as me if we ever get a b****y bfp!!!
Don't suppose this waffly post much help, other than knowing you are not alone in feeling disconnected. I feel disconnected from the world!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi Bodia,
Don't apologise for "the me" post, we all need to let it out sometimes and at least here you can do it at people that really do understand  
I'm like you in that I hide my feelings in front of others. Only our parents know about our situation because I just can't cope with the thought of everyone knowing - it's silly I know   but I find the thought unbearable. Therefore I end up bottling it all to myself and then breaking down the minute I'm on my own  
And your right hun, people that have never been through it truly don't understand how devastating it is!!

Oh and in reply to your previous post I start the IU around June time, they will give us 4 cycles and then one of IVF.

Hi to everyone else, hope you're all ok  

Take care
Kathryn


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Kathryn - That sounds tough with only your parents knowing. Most of our friends know about our situation but only a few have been really supportive. How are you feeling about starting IUI?

Cinders - I agree it's v tough for our DF's and they feel awkward and don't know what to say. I find it hard to understand why they wouldn't occasionally enquire at least  how I am, how I'm coping etc, rather than just assume I am OK! Sorry to hear you are also feeling disconnected. Sounds like your plan of talking to your friends is a good one. I just find it difficult as when they don't ask it makes it seem (unreasonably I know,) like they don't care!

I went up to see the London Marathon yesterday. Stoof just near the palace so had a great view of the elite athletes finishing. Had a lovely day and met a friend who is v supportive so that was good. Just before bed got a text from a couple who had a baby in Feb; I am having another couple over for dinner on Sat and I'd invited them along thinking they prob wouldn't be able to come....they've now got a babysitter and are coming! I know this sounds awful but it upset me as I don't really in my heart want to see them; then felt really guilty about thinking this! At this rate will have no friends left, but it really feels hard for me seeing people who I can't share true feelings with, and especially people who have their own joy (which I wouldn't take away, but can't share.) These feeling rearing their heads worry me as I have 3 v close friends due to give birth soon and not sure how I will cope if I am feeling like this now!!!

How is everyone else on here doing?

Take care,

xxx


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi Bodia,

Poor you hun   It's so tough isn't it! Don't worry though, the thoughts are perfectly normal. I guess the "avoidance" response is just a way of trying to cope. I hope your friends can try to understand   and be a bit sensitive when they're around you.

I'm feeling fine about the IUI, if it ups our chances of getting pg then BRING IT ON!! At times I just feel as though I can't cope with the stress of another   and when   arrives I feel as though all hope is lost. It's strange though because as soon as Ov time arrives I get a wind of   and we climb on board the rollercoaster once again  .

I'm currently on day 4 of my 2ww (ttc naturally) and already the crazy thoughts and obsessive tendencies   are starting to show!

Anyway sorry for that ramble, I hope everything goes OK with the meal, please let us know.

Take care
Kathryn


----------



## cinders35

Hi all,
Really empathise with you Bodia. It's so tough being around everyone who seem to pop out there babies on schedule with the rest of their lives! I realise this may sound hypocritical as have beautiful dd. But because I have her, I am always going to places which are teeming with babies. Today I brought dd for her tennis lesson, and someone there had an 11 week old baby, and I somehow ended up with this baby being thrust into my arms! What could I say?!! The mum had no idea of the feelings I was having.    Tried to be cool, couldn't help but kiss her head   Felt quite jittery afterwards. I had forgotten how to hold such a little one! Could have done with a large g&t after that! I'm sure your friends care Bodia, it's just sometimes easier to say nothing than the wrong thing! I'm sure if you felt comfortable enough to bring up the subject they would be all ears!
The green eyed monstor is evil, and rears it's ugly head at the most inconvenient times! Like you I have friends having babies, and find it sooo difficult. I don't like what this infertilty has turned me into! I thought I was a nice person, so whose this jealous   looking back at me from the mirror?!!!! 
Basically I think we should be excused for the bad thoughts and feelings, we are not bad people. We are nice people. We have been put under immense strain, and are just trying to all find our own way of coping with it. You are not alone in having these negative thoughts & feelings about people, so don't bother worrying about it!!!
Kathryn, Know what you mean about 2ww. I turn into complete loon     But good luck!
Love to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Hi Ladies,
Hope you're all doing well. I haven't posted much as tried to stay away a bit ( ok, didn't manage it completely!) so hopefully time fly to next treatment... 
Still can't get my head round how to deal with the friends, pregnant friends, & friends about to drop! I think that's our common denominator here, aside from more obvious issues!

Best to you all & best to Rose who is on countdown to injecting! 

x


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Thanks as always for all the support and good advice.

Must admit have had a tough old week. Work is mad busy. I am starting to think a lot about the next round of tx and have to make decisions about what's next. Just having it approaching is making me worse. I was really emotional last week and this week.

Terrible on Tuesday when 2 friends contacted me about meeting up; most of the time when not at work I just want to hide! Unless I am with DH, or a select few other people. Felt really bad about it and got very upset.

Same kind of thing yesterday along with some work woes. Got home and my beloved Chuggsy, my nervous cat that's only let us stroke him for 2 weeks had pus coming out of his eye and I had to take him to the vets on my own as DH was working late. I was a terrible state. Fortunately I think he will be OK - it was a bee sting on his eye and a £44 bill!

Felt like I was just about ready to burst with emotion.

Came into work this morning and got an unnessarily nasty email.

Then had a few emails from a pg mate this afternoon about why I haven't seen much of her.

Have hardly been able to concentrate on work at all and am now behind!!!!!!!

But, I know I have you lot on here to keep me going!

Cinders, I can't imagine how hard it must be being in all of those situations and everyone just assuming you are going to extend your family. Hugs to you.

Ella - good to see you again, hope life is treating you well.

Kathryn - ^fingers crossed^ for you. 

Rosie - how's it going?

Take care all,


xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hi bodia. really sorry to hear how tough the last couple of weeks of been for you. you know where i am if you need me. 

i share your woes with cat trouble too. chillmog,  my long-haired incredibly nervous cat, went to the vets yesterday (i've scratches down my arm to prove it and we can all safely say that chilli does not want to go in his basket. ever.) he went there to get some big knots snipped out of his fur. he's too nervous to let us do it so once a year in the summer we troop to the vets who duly does it for us. well not this time. he said the knots were too bad so the poor little sausage has to go in on wednesday to be sedated and shaved!!

and i'm in hospital tomorrow for a scan to see if i've down regged enough and all being well i should start injecting tomorrow night. then, quite unbelievably, i will have the egg collection done in a mere fortnight.  

it seems to have crept up on me this time. maybe it's because i'm not investing any hope in it working so up to this point i have barely given it a thought. 

i've been eerily still about everything lately. for example, it was my 31st birthday yesterday and i didn't celebrate it at all. not even a glass of wine. i just gardened all day very quietly. i didn't even so much as raise a mug of tea to the passing of time. 

i just weeded for all my worth. it's not a good sign girls!

hope all is well with everyone; love to ella and mrs hope and of course to you, bodia.

thinking of you all

(and your ailing pets where applicable)

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

update: had down regged enough so started injecting 4 amps of menopur last night.

[fly]bring it on![/fly]

xx


----------



## bodia

Wow!!!! Oh my goodness!!! How exciting / scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are you feeling?

Am I right in thinking you just had 1 down regging jab?

Thanks so much everyone for all your kind words of support. I am sorry I have been on a bit of a downer. It's amazing that through everything that we have been through, the thing that really upsets me and gets me down is so called friends and their reactions. By the end of last week I started to feel that because no one knows what to say, they just don't say anything at all. Then on Sat had 4 friends over for dinner, 2 of whom are new parents. After they left, I got chatting to the other 2, (a young couple who are getting married soon.) They were so supportive and lovely, and just treated me like I was "normal" and asked about tx as if they were asking about my back probs. That was just so refreshing! I think other people sometimes treat IF as if it's such a taboo subject that we start to feel even more freaky than we already do!!!  

Anyway, felt much better having spoken things over. Sunday I was very ill   Had too much of that on Sat! But DH and I had v good chat and we finally came to a decision about our next steps. I think not knowing what we were going to do was bugging me. We are going to start tx next cycle (will be back in my old job at the end of May - that's another story!) and hope to have a fresh cycle using blasts. I think as I only have 4 frosties I feel that I would be best placed doing a full IVF cycle for now. We have also decided we are going to take advantage (bot sure that's the right word,) of our clinic's super special offer.....3 IVF package which is a bit cheaper than usual. That way I also have a cut off point...if after 6 IUI's, 4 fresh IVF's and however many FET's I am still not pg I think I will have to accept it's not going to happen! Also in terms of school years, I would hope to have 3 fresh cycle's done and dusted by summer 2008! All if this bizzarely has made me feel a bit calmer about what our medium term plan is!  

Rosie hope your cat is better.   Mine wouldn't go to the vets for a follow up...couldn't get him in that basket for love or cat treats, or even his beloved feather tickler. Fortunately his eye has cleared up and seems OK now. Those cats are my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck with the stimming. Thinking of you loads.  

Cinders - I think it must be really tough being in a world of babies and toddlers and everyone making assumptions that you are just going to pop out more and more of them! Hang in there and remember we are all here for you. x I agree that the person I am now is not the person I would like to be. I often don't like her very much, but it's not our fault and sometimes we have to ride the storm a little I suppose.

Kathryn - How's 2ww going? xx

Ella - When's your next round starting? Hope all OK with you and that you are coping OK.

Right, gotta plan some lessons!!!

Take care all and thanks for being such fab friends.

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
Bodia, now that I know you are teacher keep thinking I will come back to find my posts marked through with a big fat red pen, and "could try harder" written all over them!!?
Anyway, so glad you have talked to some, if not all of your friends re treatment. Sounds like the new parent friends might be embarassed by their fertility, which I can kind of understand. One of my friends (who knows of our if problems) let me know in a very "by the way" kind of way, in the middle of a text that she was pg! It took me ages to construct a realistic reply. Went something like "lucky bu**ar"!! 
Like the plan, you obviously had a goal before, but it's good to know how you plan to get there! Well done!
You sound so positive, I'm so pleased. 
Rosiebadgirl, Well done you. Sorry you have been feeling a bit flat this time, your posts always full of so much energy I get tired just reading them! But maybe all your energy is going into getting your body ready to make some perfect eggs?! Keep us posted.
Hey Ella, think the only time I will comfortable with pg ladies now, is if I am one of them! Even if I get to 85 I think I will always look longingly! What an awful thought!!! 
Me? Still ttc au naturel, have follow appointment from negative cycle next week, so will know when we can go again on the ivf rollercoaster! Something to look forward to!
Love and hope to all
Cindersxxx


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi all, sorry I've been AWOL for a while, everything seems to be happening all at once at the moment and I just can't find the time to keep up.

 arrived yesterday and it was also our wedding anniversary. I'm so down in the dumps and fed up   

take care
Kathryn


----------



## bodia

Hello All,

 Kathryn. Also sending a big   What bloody timing for AF!! It's so tough when we have to face these days which should be a celebration but increasingly become a reminder of another year of not getting pg. I hope you are able to focus on yourselves and find something positive in it all. It's very hard but we are all with you. Sending love and strength.   xxx

Cinders - There's a load of us teachers on here so watch out!!! 

I am OK. Trying not to let the usual gripes about friends get me down. Trying to look forwards. Feel OK about it all at the moment and glad to have reached a decision about the next steps.

Rosie - how's it going?  for you.

 Ella, Nora, Tracy and everyone else reading this.

xxx

Take care all,

xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello lovely ladies,

just a quick post (i've not long written a mammoth one on the other thread called 'BFN for me' started by jacks then copied it into my ivf diary so i'm all worded out now!) to let you know how it's going.

frankly, it's going ok.

the menopur dose drops tonight from 4 amps to 2 and i am in for a scan on tuesday to see what's cooking. then got another scan on friday for the same thing and if i'm so full of follicles i'm practically a medical miracle i will be in a week tomorrow for the egg collection.

actually i was wondering something, would you mind if i stayed on this board? i don't want to go to the 2ww board as of next week. i won't have any questions to ask about symptoms or implantation or pee sticks. and i am not too fussed about seeing people's positive and negative results.

so can i stop here?

xx


----------



## bodia

Rosie - Bless you  Course you can stay!!!

Sounds very sensible actually; think I will do the same when I start my cycle. The trouble with the 2ww boards is it's easy to get obsessed and also I find it depressing looking back at 2ww boards I was on when doing IUI's in 2005 and find that nearly everyone is pg or has had babies now!  

Glad to hear all is going well. I sense a calmer you this time around? Hope work is going OK and that you're getting support from those close to you. Do many people at work know? Are you taking the 2ww off?

Aren't bank hols the best thing ever?!  

Had a nightmare day Sat when my nervous cat Chuggsy went missing for 14 hours; we'd reported him to the police and put his piccy up all over the internet before he finally showed up! I have never beenso relieved in my whole life....I completley broke down into floods of tears when I saw him!

Anyway, gotta go and get my nightly fix of Castaway with my mate in it!!!!!

xxx


----------



## Ella*

*Bodia*, Poor you with your Chuggsy going awol! Been there & it was hell! Great news re your plan of action! Might look into any offers at my clinic if this next treatment fails ( positive thinking, it wontfail!)
*Cinders*, it will happen for us & we can then admire their bumps & cuddle their babies!!! 
*Rosie*, how's it going? Good luck with scan. Will go find your diary or whatever to catch up. I know what you mean about feeling flatter this time. me too.. just booked treatment & it hasn't instilled any excitment at all. More worried about it not working than being pleased I have a chance of a go at this cycle... 
Have now read your diary & you have so eloquently put down exactly how I feel 7 most of us probably do. It's like all the excitment & hope was used up the 1st time! Funny thing it is...

Hi *Nora & Kathryn* 

Going to start treatment IUI & inject from Monday hopefully... Haven't sold house yet so rather than wait for ivf I want to fit a treatment in now so we'll do this IUI. It might work! especially with the polyps now removed... Our donor has now been proven fertile ( produced pregnancy) so things are looking up!


----------



## cinders35

Hi you guys,
How you all doing? Hoping you are making steady progress Rosiebadgirl?! 
Y'know, I have spent hours searching for my furbabies when they have gone on walkabout! It is sooo stressful. Especially when they turn up at home with a "present"! 
We had our clinic review today after bfn. Basically everything went really well, we just didn't end up pg!(oh minor point then!) We are good to go for another treatment after next af in a couple of weeks. Apparently the transfer was a difficult one though, ah thats why it hurt then! Thought I was being a woos!! They will use different instrument (oh joy!) and hopefully will go better next time!
I too am not feeling the naive excitement of my first ivf. Though some people are lucky on their first go, it was not to be for us. Wish I was more of a cup half full person! Think I'd better go get me some positive vibes somewhere!!!   
Love to all 
Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello lovelies. thanks for all your well wishes. this is what i have to report...

i had my day 9 scan today and found that both ovaries currently contain 12-15 follicles each ranging from 12.5mm to 14.5mm.

this is more than a good response and so, after blood tests revealed elevated levels of hormones, i was told to drop my dose from 2amps of menopur to just the 1 as of now. i also have to go back for more blood tests on thursday to see where i'm at.

my last day of stimming is supposed to be this friday with the pregnyl on saturday and the egg collection monday.

i will be so cross with my ovaries if they don't just godddamn calm down and think things through for a minute.

i do believe they are verging on hysterical.

bodia, yes, follies aside, i am much calmer this time round. i have one foot in 'calm' and one foot in 'denial'. i find it works well with barely a stumble. i'd even go as far as recommending it. 'just look the other way and whistle innocently', that's my motto. and 'honest to god, darlin, i got it in the sale... it was so cheap it was practically free... in fact, you're not gonna believe this but i actually_ found _it!' yeh. that's my other.

ella, brilliant news that you're starting again. how exciting for you. do ignore all the stuff i said up there about overstimulated ovaries and the accompanying denial. i was making it all up. just think positive, ok.

right well i'm going to haul my bad ass follicles into a radox bubble bath now and see if i can't get them to realise it's not a race. (more lies, ella. take no notice.)

rosie xx

p.s - whoever has been blowing me bubbles in the last day or two THANK YOU SO MUCH! i can hardly believe the surge in the bubble department. they mean a lot, so thank you. 
_
incidentially, gift vouchers and fresh cream chocolate eclairs also mean a great deal... _


----------



## bodia

Hello All,

Rosie -   to you. Remember your PMA (Positive mental attitude not pre menstrual attack!)
Hope your ovaries sort themselves out, but glad to hear you have so many lovly follies there....you going for blasts this time or not? You off work next week?

Cinders - Glad follow up went well. We had similiar experience, except fortunately not the bit about the EC instrument - OUCH!

I am almost willing AF to arrive now so I can call the clinic and work out dates etc. 

Ella -  for your next IUI.

 to everyone...off to get ready for my Espanol class now!

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Thanks *Bodia*! I inject Tuesday, wahoo! though it doesn't seem real yet. It will once we make the darn journeys for follie tracking etc!
If I have read *Rosie's* diary correctly she's done the hcg so wishing her the best for EC!
*Kathryn* 
*Cinders & Nora*


----------



## rosiebadgirl

yup. i've eaten a giant cadbury's fruit n nut, the best part of a giant cadbury's caramel and i'm ready to go!

got to be at the hospital at 09.45am tomorrow morning and will have the eggs collected at 10.30am. 

i've got ovaries the size of an angry man's fists so i'm off all this week and go to the caribbean the next. 

sounds fair to me.

anyway, wish me luck girls. have a feeling i'm going to need it.

rosiefatgirl. 

xx


----------



## x shye x

Goodluck Rosie hope u gets lots of nice juicy eggs.  Have a lovely hoilday xxxxxxxxx

shye x


----------



## Ella*

Rosie, holiday in caribbean oh you lucky....  
Enjoy!
All crossed for your ec


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello lovelies.

here i am. the walking wounded.

i am all kinds of punctured, i really am.

well, good news: they collected 24 eggs yesterday and then rang this morning to say that we have 20 embies.

that's good isn't it.

xx


----------



## bodia

Rosie - what a star.....    to you....and are you really off   yourself? You lucky thing. Good luck for ET.  

Ella - Hope the first jab went OK.   to you.

 to everyone.

I am waiting for AF to arrive....actually wouldn't mind her getting on with it so I can make the phonecall, get the dates and get focused. Am a bit stressed at the moment as leaving my temporary acting up position at the end of this half term and back to my old job. Same school, different site. Not looking forward to that at all; have loved working here and it's kept my mind busy. Has been a great thing for me. Don't get on with my boss at my "normal" job. Will be splitting my job in Sept so 3 days here, 2 days over there, but have to get through 7 weeks full time over there and raging hormones.    Ho hum.

Anyway, take care all,

xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hello everyone,
Rosie, 20 embies is fantastic!!! Well done you. Enjoy your hols!
Bodia, are you doing another treatment soon? As I am waiting for af in next week to start next ivf cycle. Protocol arrived today, haven't even opened it yet. Just not excited like last time! Really trying to keep it a bit quiet in real world this time, as told the world and his wife last time!! Sorry to hear work will be a bit stressful, it's horrible when you don't get on with colleagues. Hope the next 7 weeks fly for you!
   to you all,
Love Cindersxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

bodia & cinders - here's hoping the witch arrives in good time leaving you both to get ready for your next cycle. 

 one each. and no squabbling. 

well we had the call from the embryologist this morning again to let us know how many of the embryos had continued to develop to the next stage... and it was all of them. cripes. well done eggs. well done sperm. well done embryos.

of course there'll be a fair few who drop off by tomorrow when i go in for the transfer, but we more than expect that. just amazed we've got 20 healthy embies at this stage.

i'm in the hospital to have two of them put back at about 12.50 so think of me then, won't you. perhaps send me some positive vibes even. 

although i did have a good luck sign last night when i was in bed eating a packet of walkers ready salted crisps... as i forced yet more into my already overfull mouth i noticed that they tasted a bit off. a bit manky. so as i shook in the last few bits i nattily flipped the packet to check the best before date. 

07-07-07

oooh! is it a sign? well just incase it is i've kept the packet for good luck. and also for the occasional lick as it's still quite salty near to the seams...

rosiefatgirl 

xx


----------



## Ella*

Wow to the sign Rosie!!!
20 embies & still 24 hrs later too, wow impressed, superb!!!
Go embies go!
Thinking of you tomorrow with the chosen 2.  


Exciting that you  Bodia & Cinders are waiting for AF & get dates sorted. We'll crack this girls, we will!


----------



## rosiebadgirl

thanks ella. 

how's it going with the injections? you having fun?

can't believe my cycle is all but over already. it came and went in a flash. 

so when does your crazy bandwagon set off? i'll come and sit next to you for company and share my manky crisps.

they be lucky, don't you know.

xx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Rosie - 20 indeed. Now that's set us an impossibly high challenge in this funny old game of luck. Hope it goes really well today, and that you get loads of great quality frosties. It's all sounding   at the moment....now just the small matter of keeping calm on your 2ww.

Cinders - Think we will be   buddies. I hope to start drugs on in 3 weeks or so depending on the old witch. Feel calm-ish about it. I am going to try my best to keep myself on an even keel this time around. Like you, am not telling many people at all.

Ella - how's the jabbing going?

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

Morning ladies,
I am also calm about treatment, so far! Am fairly confident I can keep a cool head up until enbryo transfer. Can't make any promises for the 2ww! I would like a g.a. for 2ww, but I am told this is not an option. Well it should be!
Good luck today Rosie, will be interested to know how the 2ww holiday goes   and whether you will be recommending it? Need to add a couple of grand for each treatment for 2ww holiday then!!!
Pussy cats just come in looking very rat like, it's raining here. Must go and make sure they don't go putting there muddy paw prints on my crisp white bed linen!    
Love and     to you all,
Love Cindersxxx
p.s have achey type   feelings so any time I would say.


----------



## rosiebadgirl

ok well they're in!

we had 2 embryos put back in about an hour ago: an 8 cell grade 1 and a 9 cell grade 1-

we've also got at least 5 to freeze so that's good news too.

right then. fingers, legs and paws crossed.

xx


----------



## cinders35

Wow Rosie,
the girl did good me thinks!!! Hope you manage to stay chilled hun, feet up for now, and enjoy those hols!
Thinking of you!
Grade 1's!!!!!!!
Love Cindersxxxxxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

thanks cinders!

xxxx


----------



## Ella*

Rosie, how long till you go on hols? Day? Hours?

Have a great time & congrats on those embies ( & extras!)
Great news!


----------



## rosiebadgirl

fly on tuesday at lunchtime so if the embies are still trucking they should have embedded nicely by then. 

of course i don't expect them to still be here in the cupboard of love. knowing my luck they will have fizzed out by now.

ah well. ah well.

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

on the other hand...

jimmy sunshine, my dh, just went over the shop to get me some crisps and a lion bar and when he came back i noticed he was wearing his orange hoodie. yesterday, i also noticed, he wore an orange tshirt for the embryo transfer. so i said, 'ooh you're wearing your orange hoodie, babe', as i reached out for my crisps and chocolate. 'yes', he said, 'and i'm going to wear orange for the rest of my life until one of our little bobs decides to throw out an anchor and make a nest in my rosie.'

i gave him a big hug - mainly so i could get a better grip on the snacks - and a big kiss on the cheek for being so sweet. i took my crisps (he couldn't remember what flavour i wanted so he got me both salt n vinegar and ready salted) and checked the best before date to see if i might be in luck again. BOTH of them are dated 07-07-07! ok so they're from the same shop as last time so not that much of a spooky coincidence but even so!

all this orange and the number 7 might just make a difference, eh?

xx


----------



## Ella*

Rosie that sounds like the best news, not many can say their dh wore orange ( let alone owns any orange clothes!) AND gets 07/07/07 crisps twic ein one week!!!
They'll bed in nicely with that kinda support!

Off to buy dh a nice orange Tee. Heck, one for me too. ( Look horrendous on me but got to try! Where to buy?


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i know what you're saying about the orange clothes ella. luckily they're like a faded burnt orangey colour and quite cool too. from bench. 

and luckily they're the only vaguely orange things he owns so although he might say he's going to wear them for the rest of his life, that's only if he is prepared to wash and dry them every other day - which somehow i don't think is going to happen, do you?!

bless him for trying though, eh

xx


----------



## Ella*

I know the faded burnt washed out orangey colour & it's nice. I know a girl who wore a vivid/strong orange top & bottoms & she looked ab fab in it but on me I'd probably look like a belisha beacon. Might suit dh though! Maybe....
Will look round town tomorrow!

DH likes Fat Face & I do believe they had some orange in this seaons range!


----------



## rosiebadgirl

yeh fat face is nice. they should do a range called fat **** too. i'd never be out of the place...

been to sleep this avvy for about 3 hrs. had nice deep sleep with a dream where i was preggers with a little boy and was getting jimmy to feel him moving about. in the dream i could actually feel the movement physically.

in reality it was probably good to shift some of that wind!

but back to the lovely pregger dream. there was jimmy feeling the baby move and he starting winding it up, like you might wind up a young puppy, getting it all over excited. i kept saying, 'don't, babe, cos you're getting him over excited' but did he stop? did he buggery. not until the baby got so over wraught that he actually _bit_ jimmy through my belly skin! well i did warn him...

the rest of my dream involved the lovely liam from corrie who i do actually believe i am in love with.

then the phone rang and woke me up.

bah!

xx


----------



## Ella*

your wind problem! 
I can see how that would fuel that dream!

I actually popped to Fat Face website & searched orange! No Tshirt for dh though there was one for me!
http://www.fatface.com/bin/venda?ex=co_wizr-productgrid&bsref=fatface&step=shopcartmulti&invt=15144&ordercol=alphanu&layout=productdetail
Liked it! Then saw it was actually in the childrens range! 
I looked through mens stuff & did come up with a polo in 'jaffa'!! Ah, blow him, he doesn't need more clothes. I'll find a sundress trimmed in orange from somewhere.. or orange lippy? Maybe just opt for underwear!?

/links


----------



## rosiebadgirl

well if we can arrive for our embryo transfer like this:










then i think you and your dh should too.

it's only fair, ella. it's only fair.


----------



## bodia

Think I will have to have serious chat with DH about wearing orange now....it's defo not his colour though! See what your DH has started Rosie?!!!!

You lucky girl going on hols? Where to? How long for? Must be a bit cheaper than usual as it's before the half term rush! I am off to Madrid with 2 friends for 3 nights next week. Finish my acting up job on Friday and feel very sad as I have been really happy here.

My news is that AF finally arrived so called the clinic on Sat. Nearly all went wrong as the lab is shut for refurbishment for 2 weeks right when EC would be due, but I am going to down reg for an extra week so as not to miss this cycle. I had to do that last time(due to Christmas), and it is a pain as it's 5 weeks of drugs instead of 4...but ho hum!

So, am starting d/r June 8th and probably have EC on July 16th. So here we go again! Going to try not to let it completley take over my world this time...watch this space!!!!!!

How's jabbing going Ella?

Take care all,

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

leave for a week in the dominican republic tomorrow morning, sweetie. got it vay cheap. £400 each for a week all inclusive.

xx


----------



## bodia

Wow! You lucky girl! Did you get it online? Can you recommend a website? I would be tempted myself, but my 2ww will be just at the beginning of the summer hols.
Have a fab time and lots of rest.

xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

just thought i'd pop by to say hello.

am on holiday now in the caribbean and i have to say girls, I RECOMMEND IT!
yesterday dh and i laughed so much and had such a good day and i kept thinking my god, i'm glad i'm not at home.

the 9hr flight was fine, not to bad at all. i kept going for walks and drank lots of water and we were greatly cheered by the fact that the airline's colour was orange. this meant that the flight attendants all wore orange too. a sign, perhaps?

the beach bag we brought also has a giant orange circle on it which we think is very special and dh managed to buy a pair of orange pants to bring with him!

it's now 9dpo and 6dpt and still no symptoms. none at all. my belly is still massive, very bloated and i look vay preggers which is slightly depressing.

also, last night we were asked if we wanted to go horse riding through jungle! and i did want to sooo much but had to indicate i couldn't. the man guessed that i was preg and i just let him think it. i felt this will now jinx us but dh reassures me that i wasn't technically lying as i might be and besides, there is no way i could have gone.

and one last thing: i haven't been swimming whatsoever. although i am tempted to take up the opportunity to swim with dolphins and sea lions at the weekend...

will keep you posted.

rosiebadgirl

xxx

p.s- my phone has no signal just incase i have been sent any texts...


----------



## cinders35

Hi Rosie,
Weather forecast for weekend and bank holiday C**p! Y'knowyou may start a trend with this 2ww holiday malarky!
Have fun!
Hello to everyone else! 
Bodia, I start dr on june 9th, here goes! (Have told noone in real world, so far!!)
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Ah *Rosie*, how good does all that sound? Orange everywhere too!! I saw dh wearing a blue t shirt with orange trim & thought that's a start!
Those outfits were great, how did you know that's our thing? Can you buy them online? 
The hol sounds fab & even though you're not going on the horseriding & jungle trip, it does indeed sound great! Dolphins & co sound good too. All crossed for you     
Paah, no signal! 
*Cinders*, 9th June, WAHOO! not long at all!  with *Bodia* only a day infront you, you'll be cycle buddies. How are you both feeling?

I'm approaching IUI, follies not quite big enough yet which is an a##se over the bank hol w/e as hard to gauge which days to scan! We'll get there. Thankfully two look to be staying as lead ones, I so want two as with one it may be empty & a wasted go. No emotions yet.... I said 'yet'  Strap me in, I know that 2ww is gonna be a heck of a ride!

Wouldn't it be the greatest thing if our cycles worked for us all this time? Oh please let that be the way, it would be the loveliest result!


----------



## Ella*

I am so darn well peed off... we've had to abandon cycle due to hormones stopped climbing & therefore they don't expect follies to grow further........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Have to ring Tues to start ivf plan & consultation..... But af, they say, is likely to be 3 weeks away or so 

How hard can this be?


----------



## cinders35

Oh Ella,
You poor things, you must be gutted. So sorry. Sod what the government say, go and have a few drinks and eat all the lovlies you can't when ttc!!!
Big    
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

oh ella honey I am so sorry. i could cry for you. what a let down.

things this end have taken a turn for the worse too i’m afraid. last night my cm changed colour just like it did last cycle a couple of days before my period arrived – which was day 11. well tomorrow is day 11 and I know it is on it’s way. i’m pretty heartbroken. all the signs of it ending before i even get to test date are there and despite my previous ‘I can handle another failed cycle’ approach, it seems now that i might not be able to.

i broke my heart crying last night. it’s all just so unfair. dh and I had a talk this morning over breakfast and agreed to start our first FET in the summer holidays, about 8 weeks from now. that is helping a little but when the i first see that flash of red I can’t imagine it will help at all. girls, i'm dreading the blood.

i will have to stop writing now as I’m getting myself upset. will let you know what happens from here.

ella, sending you lots of love.

rosie xx


----------



## Ella*

Rosie, hang in there, everything crossed it's implantation or something? Oh Rosie,find something out there to take your mind away from it somehow... Huge hugs!          
Thanks for thinking of me too & you too cinders. Better get a glass or two in for you too before June 9th!
Bodia


----------



## rosiebadgirl

thanks ella.

i have checked the changes of my cm with a tampon and there is more of it now and is more pink than brown.

at the moment i have no aches or cramps but i am not to be fooled. i know instinctively that if i peed on a stick now it would just look at me sympathetically and sigh.

i'm trying to be brave, i really am but after going through this once already i truly know that it hasn't worked and how brave can i be in the face of that?

am crying sat here in the empty internet room at the top of the hotel and praying no one comes in. all i have is a couple of dirty bank notes to blow my nose into!

oh girls. why couldn't this have been my time?

sniff.

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

and also, it's way too late to be implantation. they were a 9cell and an 8cell which were transferred 10 days ago. last cycle i hoped it was implantation bleeding then AF came the next day.

i just have to accept it, don't i.

xx


----------



## Ella*

Don't blow in the bank notes! save them for as good as an excursion as you can. If a bfn gets you ( I pray it wont) don't let it steal the last few days of your hol.
 Easier said than done I know


----------



## rosiebadgirl

oh god. am sobbing now. have lost all control of myself and accompanying snot!

must pull myself together.

there's nothing quite as painful as this, is there? the crying comes from so deep that you don't even need to make any noise to get it out. it just pours from you. 

i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'll be alright though. just wiped my face and blew my nose into my sarong (luckily in that order) because it sounded like someone was coming up in the lift.

i hope the cats are all present and correct when i get home on wednesday morning. i have a job for them and it may or may not involve a pram.

sniff.

xx


----------



## MissTC

Hey Rosie - I just caught your last few posts! Please please please don't lose the hope sweetheart                

Love
Tracy
xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

sniff. thanks tracy.

xxx


----------



## cinders35

Just logged on, oh Rosie hun, it's so desperately unfair. Am thinking of you. Glad Ella was on line for you yesterday. How are things today? How is dh taking it?
It's good you have a "just in case" plan.
Am hoping and praying that you've got it all wrong and you don't know your body well at all! This is for you...
                      
                         
                       
                         
How you doing Ella?
Hey Bodia, hope you are ok?
Cindersxxx


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Hi Ladies,
Sorry I've been out of the loop for so long, I just felt really down in the dumps and needed a break from all things fertility related !
DH took me down to Cornwall for a few nights camping. We did loads of beach walks with our dog, plenty of BBQ's / pub lunches and luckily the weather was great !

Well I'm over half way through my  so am going totally  as usual!!

Sorry for no personals but I have a fair amount of catching up to do!!

Hope everyone is well
Take care
Kathryn x
P.S. *ROSIE*


----------



## rosiebadgirl

thank you all so much for your support. i just wanted to write a very quick post before this internet voucher runs out to let you know af has not arrived as of yet.

will come back later tonight (after i've shaken the sand out of my bumcheeks) with a new internet voucher and, knowing my luck, my af. but here's hoping.

lots of love.

rosie

xxx


----------



## *kateag*

Rosie, I just wanted to wish you tonnes of luck, and I am hoping that it is not over for you hun. Keeping everything crossed for you. 
xxxx


----------



## kitykat

Just wanted to send a message to Rosie - my BFN was at the same time as yours at the beginning of the year and I have been watching your recent posts and hoping for you. Still hoping....       

Love Kitykat
XX


----------



## cinders35

Morning ladies,
Looks like you gotta lotta people routing for you Rosie! Hope you are ok?          
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello everyone, thank you so much for all your thoughts. 

af has fully arrived i'm afraid.

but i just want to let you know that i am fine. not crying today or anything, which is good because we leave for our flight in 4 hours...

i'm bleeding really heavily now and lots of bad cramps but i've just bought some tampax and painkillers and do you know what? i'm going for a swim before i leave today. just a shame we can't ship some of those lovely dolphins in for me, special, like. 

because i think i deserve a kiss from a dolphin right now, don't you?

thank you all again for your support. i'll never be able to thank you enough for being here for me.

much love to all my fertility friends.

rosiebadgirl

xxxx


----------



## *kateag*

Rosie I am so sorry hun, was so hoping you would get some good news. I have been watching out for you. What a day to get it. enjoy your swim hun, and yes, you def deserve a kiss from a dolphin today. 

Sending you massive hugs hun, and good luck with your frosties. 
xxxx


----------



## cinders35

So sorry Rosie,
Hope you are having a good flight and enjoying a nice cool g&t, ice and a slice, or tipple of choice!
Guess you have to think of those snowbabies now!! There's so many!!!!
Love and hugs
Cindersxx
p.s. There's a sea life centre in birmingham! Don't think they have dolphins though...mmmm. Not the same if you kiss an eel I guess?!


----------



## Ella*

Oh Rosie


----------



## HellyS

Rosie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your news.  I dont think we have "met" but I have been an avid reader of many of your comedy genius posts!  Its so unfair that it hasnt worked out for you this time and I hope that you are able to focus on the frosties you have waiting for you.  Hope your flight was ok and you are feeling as well as you possibly can.
Take care
Love
Helly
xxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

I am so so sorry that I have been off line for a few days.

Rosie -   Reading your news has made me cry. I am so sorry hun.   I am especially sorry I wasn't here over the last few days; have been thinking of you loads, but that just doesn't change anything does it?
All I can say is; we got through this last time (somehow) and we will get through this again. You are not alone; look how many lovely people have dropped in to send their kind words. Somehow, someday, this will all be better for all of us. Until then I am here fo you whenever you need a friend. xxxx

Ella -    So sorry also to read your news. Life's so unfair isn't it?!! Hope you are able to look forwards. We'll all be here for you when you start IVF; any news on timeframes? xx

Kathryn - ^stickyvibes^ Have it all crossed for you hun. xx

Cinders - Very excited to hear you are going to be my   buddy. Have told a few people but am being deliberately vague about dates...not planning to let people know when I am due to have EC/ET/test this time. Except you lot of course!


I finished my acting up job on Friday last week. Was very emotional - I have loved it there and going back to my old job is going to be hard. Don't really get on with my boss, and last time I was there I'd just suffered my IVF failure, so it's got some tough memories. Start d/r Fri 8th, so going back really does feel like going full circle. Also, teaching difficult kids is tough at the best of times, but working with certain highly strung staff when on hormones is a nightmare!!!!! Am going to try (!) to not get in too much of a  this time; and just let life carry on as much as possible! (yeah right!)

Am supposed to be in Madrid right now on a girly holiday...had to delay my flight as have been really poorly...was really sick yesterday. Hope to be able to fly tomorrow, back Saturday. Need the break, so wish me luck!

Thinking of you all girls.

Lots of love,

xxx


----------



## kitykat

Oh Rosie - so sorry

sending hugs - hope you enjoyed your swim

Kitykat
XX


----------



## Kathryn Emma

Rosie ~  so sorry hun!! I hate the   she is truly evil. 

Bodia ~ Poor you, sounds like things are a bit of a ***** for you right now   Hope you're feeling better and the holiday's a blast    

I'm due to test on Saturday. Really dreading it coz I also have a wedding to attend on that day. I tell you I must be doomed, last month it arrived on my wedding anniversary and this month it's due on my friends wedding!! Aaaarrrgggggg!!! Hope I don't spend the whole day crying my eyes out , everyone will think I'm a right plonker .

Hi to everyone else

Take care
Kathryn


----------



## rosiebadgirl

anyway. at least through the tears i can just about make out a nice tan.


----------



## rosiebadgirl

oh. and i didn't quite manage a swim, with or without dolphins, in the end.

but i did get rat-arsed at the airport bar.


----------



## carole

Good for you girl, Rosie  

So sorry about the BFN. It's a git isn't it? (Speaking as one who's seen 4 of em). 

I really hope it is third time lucky for you.

Love from Carole (fellow shropshire lass)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

thanks for your message carole. yeh it is a git to say the least.

your little boy looks lovely by the way. what a cutie!

so whereabouts in shropshire are you? i'm north shropshire in a little village about 16 miles north of shrewsbury.

xx


----------



## carole

I'm not far from you then Rosie - Oswestry! (Centre of the universe - we're getting an M&S Simply Food in August - hooray!)

Carole
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

excellent. we're getting running water and electricity around the same time.

xxx


----------



## bodia

Hello All,

Kathryn - Thinking of you and will be here whatever the result was yesterday. xx

Rosie - How are you doing hun? 

I had a lovely time in Madrid! Went a day late as I was ill, so only got 2 nights, but it was fab. Great weather, great hotel, and lots of laughs with my 2 friends. A bit sad to be back home and back to work tomorrow, and back to my old job on Thurs, and starting D/R on Friday. Talk about back to reality!   Still, onwards and upwards I suppose.

Take care all,
xxx


----------



## Ella*

Busy week Bodia!!! Welcome back- to reality 
It'll all be worth it!


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Hope everyone is OK...very quiet on here!

Kathryn - Not heard from you; thinking of you.

Rosie - Hope you are hanging in there.

Well, I have officially started IVF no.2. I went to the clinic on Friday as it was my day 21. Had an appointment with the lovely nurse. Went through all the drugs etc and started d/r right there and then! I have to d/r for 3 weeks rather than 2 due to the lab closure. Lorna the nurse was fab and told me to carry on life as normal; and even said to have the occasional glass of wine as it won't do any harm at this stage!!!   

We did however have a very frank and thought provoking chat about blasts (which we hope to go for,) and the risk of multiples. Lorna says the law will change soon, and that the Esperance is considering bringing in their own rules which say that women under 35 can only have single embryo transfer. (Not sure if that's just for blasts though.) She said from all the blast pg's they have had, only one woman didn't get pg with twins! And then she went over the increased risks etc. DH and I have done a lot of talking and to be honest it's caused me a bit of heartache, so would really welcome your thoughts and comments;   I am 34, will be 35 in Feb. Have never knowlingly been pg, been ttc 5 years. It would seem I am not a good carrier, so in lots of ways having only one put back would make some sense. But I am so desperate for it to work this time, and I think if I don't get pg I will regret only having one back; so we are planning to go for 2, even knowing all the risks. Are we mad?!!!!! One girl on the Esperance thread recenly lost twins at 18 weeks, so it's brought the risks home to me.

Anyway, take care all,

xx


----------



## Shimmer

I need some hugs guys. I am feeling quite low after relising that AF was here on Sunday. Someone out there tell me how do they get through this. I dont want to cry because I dont think I will be able to stop


----------



## saphy75

Shimmer, sending you loads of hugs hun    

i know it doesn't feel like it but you will get over this but you need to cry hun, don't bottle it up  crying is part of the grieving process and you need to grieve for the loss of your precious embies before you can move on. feel free to rant, scream, cry and let it all out on here as no one understands better than those who have been there  

sending more     your way

pam xx


----------



## Ella*

Shimmer,       I agree, shed a tear, it makes you feel worse in a way but it is part of the process. It's not good for you/your body to hold onto stress. Poor you, it's darn awful  

Bodia   I'd go with the 2 too! I know there's risks... You can't win if you think about it too much it'll drive you crazy!     

Rosie & Cinders, how are you doing? Cinders, were you going to be cycling with Bodia?

tc girls
x


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Shimmer -   I am so sorry. The only thing to do is to allow yourself time and space and do anything you feel like doing. It took me a long time to do anything vaguley "normal" after my IVF failure. You must grieve for the embies you lost. The good news is that you're in the right place on this thread; these girls have got me through over the last few months.

Ella - going with 2 I think! How are you doing?

My d/r has been going OK so far, except yesterday. A pg mate / colleague left work for 2nd time in 2 years to go on maternity leave. I couldn't bear all the baby talk and went into loos and sobbed. Not good in my job. I felt so sad; not really jealous just scared, frustrated and so desperate for this one to work all rolled into one. I want to be the one leaving work!!!!!

Hi to everyone else,

xx


----------



## strawbs

Hi quick question.  I got my bfn (Thurs and fri!)  Fri was official test date 14days after a 2 day transfer.  I stopped cyclogest thurs.  When would I expect af? I just want closure on this whole thing!

Didn't really want to be posting on this thread!  as I am sure you all didnt.  Sorry for the bfns this is so hard

strawbs xx


----------



## bodia

Hi Strawbs,

 So sorry hun. You will get plenty of support on this board.

AF can take a while to arrive. Mine started the day after which I was thankful for, but then I didn't get another AF for more than 50 days!!!!!!!!! I would call your clinic if you are concerned.

Hope everyone else is OK,

xx


----------



## strawbs

well af started sunday so 2 days after bfn (stopped pessaries thurs).  That was quick for me so at least that is something!

strawbs xx


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## bodia

Hi All,

Strawbs - Tough though it is, I think when it's a BFN better for AF just to arrive so we can get on with life. Hang in there. Thinking of you. xx

have had a     day today! Monday morning, and I have to teach double Maths which I hate!!! Then one of the kids was totally foul; I don't usually have many probs (even though all the kids have behaviour issues,) and then a taxi driver who picks our kids up asked me if I was happier now I'm back at my old job...I honestly had to stop myself bursting into tears! Fortunately the afternoon was better; spent at the site where I was working before and where I have better relationships with staff who I can be honest with. Dealt with pg colleague leaving well (same girl as before - she works at 2 sites also,) and even went out to buy the baby pressie stuff for her. Went for a short but quick run after work which also helped.

Think the problem is that I've had enough of d/r....and I've worked out I've still got about 27 days!!!! Aaargh!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the rant girls!

Take care all,
xx


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
How you all doing?
Ella, hi. How you doing now? You are right, I am d/r with Bodia. ( Hi Bodia!) I did pop over to the cycle buddies, but it is soooo busy that I couldn't keep up with everyone! So I haven't quite managed to settle in there!!!
IVF number 2 is quite different! For starters I am not in the least bit excited, I cannot believe for one minute that this is going to work. I feel as though I am ticking the box, doing "everything" so that I won't look back with regrets. But am starting regrets already, as worried that this negative attitude will have an effect on outcome!!!
I'm sniffing synarel this time, last time injected buserelin for d/r. Nice not to have the injections so early, but am suffering more with headaches, and emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE!!       Last time felt nothing, other than at injection site!   So think if it comes to IVF number 3 will be injecting for d/r again!!!!
Been wondering how you doing Rosie? Getting yourselves ready for fet? I think you were hoping to do it asap? 
Hi Shimmer, just wanted to add that I firmly believe you need to let it all out before you can move on. It's so tough. 
Hi Strawbs, sorry for your bfn. 
Well, love to all,
Cindersxxx


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## bodia

Hi Cinders,

Yeah, I agree that cycle buddies board is nuts!  

On here it's lovely as we already know a bit about each other and our situations.

Sorry to hear sniffing is tough; I hate injections (am on buserlin,) but they sound preferable. I find I am OK until the slightest thing goes wrong, then I feel like collapsing in a heap of tears! But, I am pleased to report I've had a better day today thankfully. Have just got back from my Spin class which was good.

Spoke to pg mate earlier, and that irritated me as even in the space of 2 mins she managed to moan about being uncomfortable (it's her b'day, and she said she won't be able to have a nice eve as she's so uncomfy!  )

Found out a girl from my local support group who I saw recently (also going to same clinic as me,) got a BFP yesterday. Pleased for her, but it's always hard to hear that news isn't it?

Ella, Kathryn, Rosie, Shimmer, Strawbs - How are you all doing?

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi ladies,
Nothing to report as such! Scan booked for monday, but I took an extra 4 days to d/r last time, so won't be surprised if endometrium not thin enough! Last time was petrified at every turn! Hanging on every scan, test, phone call. This time much more relaxed as know what to expect. Obviously I must have some hope or I wouldn't be doing this, but I just can't believe for one minute that it will work! Is this really bad?!
Have just been reading Rosies post, breaks your heart.   Rosie.
Love Cindersxxx


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## bodia

Hi All,

Cinders I feel exactly the same. I am not terrifed of the actual IVF, just the small matter of the result and how completley horrendous it will feel to fail again.   for your scan. 
I feel like I'm in a time warp...have been d/r for 2 weeks tomorrow, don't have a scan until next Friday. No AF yet, wish she'd bloody well hurry up!  

I had another tough day yesterday. Felt a bit sick all day, my boss was snappy with me, and then I came home and just sobbed for an hour. I was so happy in my old job acting up - now I am coping with the transition back to my real job, and d/r all at once. Have taken today off work - just feel exhauste and I need a break from it all. But now I feel guilty for doing that - can't win can you!

Rosie - As I said on other thread...you are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Ella*

Bodia & Cinders   Thinking of you both!
Bodia, 'life'!!! It's mad, you can never just have one thing to cope with, they always come together & one is enough for anyone to cope with.

Rosie    

Strawbs & Shimmer  

Sympathy vote- friend is now due, any day & that will be the day I really wont know how to handle anything anymore. A friend that I see mostly daily & will still whilst she wanders round with everyone cooing at the new baby & I understand, I should be cooing too but i want to hide. I don't even want to look at the baby, how awful am I? I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to act like I can handle it on the outside, if I speak of handling it often enough it will work? 
Why girls why? It's not fair on our friends either.


----------



## bodia

Hi Ella,

I can understand those thoughts completley.And I always feel guilty for my friend. I have 3 heavily pg close mates at the mo and all of them have not enjoyed their pg's as much as they should've because of me and this bloody situation!


I have one couple who are good friends who had a baby in Feb, and I deliberaely have avoided seeing the baby...managed it so far and they are off to live in NZ soon! Terrible isn't it, but I just couldn't face it! All of the friends that are pg at the moment I will have to see their babies over the summer which if this cycle fails will not be good....so I will avoid for as long as possible.

So, the moral of the story Ella is self preservation! Look after yourself; good friends will understand you not wanting to coo. I know it's hard and we feel guilty, but that's life!

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,
Just thought I would let you know I am down regulated, officially mean and menopausal!! 
But........isn't there always!!! I appear to have dodgy cervix, (embryo transfer was nightmare last time!), and mock embryo transfer was not so good today, well was bad really. Couldn't get through!!! So may need cervical dilatation! Yikes!!  Anyone know anything about this? Ho hum, just get on with it I guess!
Fancy a shout, scream, cry, rant Bodia? You know where I am!
Love Cindersxx


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## bodia

OK Cinders, here goes with the rant....

......Aaargh!!!!     Just spoken to a heavily pg mate. She started moaning about her heartburn and then not being able to  !!! Said she hadn't had a drink in a month...I cut her short and said jokingly (but with quite a lot of truth in it,) "Oh well, you won't get any sympathy from me, I can't drink either, but at least you've got something lovely and positive coming at the end of it all....I might be doing all this for nothing!" Do you think I've been horrid? I don't mean to be, but honestly, complaining about pg symptons and not being able to drink to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Glad to hear you are all d/r'egged. I've never had a mock transfer, but the cervical dilation sounds yukky...have you started stimming? When's EC?

 to everyone else


xxx


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## saphy75

nice responce bodia, i bet her face was a picture

pam xx


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## cinders35

Hi Bodia,
I don't think you've been awful AT ALL! Your friend needs to wise up, and have some sensitivity. Good for you. Hopefully you will have given her something to think about, and you won't have to put up with any more of that sort of rubbish from her!
I start stimming thursday. They are going to have anaesthetist on standby for my embryo transfer, due to difficulties. I am pretty much dreading transfer now!!! I wouldn't give a hoot if I knew it was going to be worth it, but we never can tell, can we!!!
Crystal ball anyone?!
You still out there Rosie and Ella? 
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Thanks Girls,

I saw said pg mate last night and it wasn't mentioned at all!  

The ridiculous thing is she's 40, single, and got pg using donor sperm on 2nd IUI (and I was holding her hand at the time!) So you'd think she'd have a bit more of a; "I'm so blessed" attitude, rather than just moaning about swollen ankles, heartburn and not being able to drink!!!!!!!

Cinders, have you started stimming today then? Hope all going well. I agree we wouldn't mind going through anything if we knew it would work. At least if there's the option to   knock you out at ET then if it hurts you won't have to think about it. Rescue remedy and spoiling yourself rotten would be my prescription I think. Thinking of you.

Race for life on Saturday! Aaaragh!!!!

 to everyone else.
xxx


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## bodia

Hello All...very quiet on here!

I started stimms yesterday! Dh was using that new pen thingy; it really hurt and then it scratched my skin and made me bleed! Any tips?!  

I have had a wasted day. Was up at 5.30am, went to Southampton on the train for a course about GCSE Drama...except when I got there it was actually about A Level Drama, so I came all the way back! Still, got to listen to 2 x Russell Brand podcasts and got the afternoon off work to watch Wimbledon!  

Take care all,
xxx


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## cinders35

Hi guys,
Hi Bodia, was there much play at wimbledon? Raining here...again...
I am day 8 of stimming. Doing ok. But feeling very tired, stroppy and emotional. Much worse than last time. The difference I think being the nasal spray. But it worked quicker than the buserelin did last time, so ho hum...whatever!!!
Sorry, no advice re pens, not used them.
What day you on now?
Still not told anyone extra, still don't want to talk about it much, still don't believe it will work, but a couple of times I have imagined getting a positive result. Too scared to allow myself those thoughts. 
Hope you are ok,
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Hi Bodia and Cinders,

You're so right about pg friends, please can I join your  . Sometimes you just have to lock yourself away. All that cooing when you're totally raw inside can be so hard. We've got lots of friends with kids and I also have a 2yr old nephew. Love them all to bits, and I am happy when people give us time to be around them for babie-cuddles, but sometimes I just can't take it, especially after BFN or right now, when I'm all hormonal and worried sick that it won't work again.

Had two colleagues yesterday talking right over my head about their problems of finding the time to keep fit with kids! Well, sorry, but I just couldn't empathise. I felt so small and was screaming inside. But, hey, we must be pretty strong ladies to get through this this and still put up with people's thoughtless chatter. Like you Bodia, the one thing that normally gets me through is exercise, especially runing, but I'm having to go slow on that now too (and it's not much fund when you're all bloated and puffy anyway, is it).

Cinder, sounds like we're exactly the same stage. I'm day 9 of stimming now. Just got my injection for the day over and done with, hurray. I'm already quite a wreck and have been up and down a lot. A bit better right now, but seem to have managed to catch summer-cold. Just when you need it, hey? The cervix stuff sounds horrid. You're such a strong lady to do this! Keeping absolutley everything crossed for you and sending you some  .

Kats


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## bodia

Hi Girls,

Kats -   and welcome. Your words really touched me as they explain a lot of how I feel. It's miserable not being able to run isn't it? I was running loads until last weekend, and then since RFL I have stopped. Am playing Badminton tonight, but will be taking it pretty easy!  

Cinders - I am only on Day 4 of stimming. I have a scan on Tuesday so  for that. I am jabbing, using a horrid pen that I don't like. So DH's is administering 2 nasty jabs a day.

Really upset today as had a phonecall with one of my closest (!) friends who's heavily pg She's found me not wanting to see her v difficult; I have still seen her (she lives in Croydon,) and at Easter looked after her 6 year old for 3 days, but I have backed off. I've explained why and she said she completely understood, but she's continued to put pressure on me and basically make me feel bad for not being around for her. This morning when we spoke it was all about her, the baby and the pg (she's had a tough time of it,) and then she asked if I would be going up to see her once I'm off work sick (she knows why I'm going to be off work!) Then I felt guilty afterwards and sent her a text saying sorry if she felt I'd let her down and that I think of her lots...and have had nothing back which I consider to be very rude! I have cried a lot about it, esp as she's an old friend and I have lost enough friends over this whole thing...but I feel angry and upset that she has made me feel this way without any attempt to understand what I am going through! AAARGHH!!!!!!    

Sorry for the rant!   Just feeling so so sad today  and it's such a shame as last night I went to a Poker night with colleagues and had the best time and laughed all night, so today it feels horrid to be feeling like this.

Take care girls,

xxx


----------



## Kats

Hello ladies,

You are so special   To go through all this and still have any friends at all is pretty amazing. It's so rare to find someone who really does understand and knows that most of the time all you want is a hug, no comment, no advice, no 'you'll get over it' or (even worse) 'I know it'll happen for you one day' - how do you know, please

Bodia, I know how you feel about your pg friend. It's incredible that she doesn't get it. Surely it's not so hard? You really need a friend and this puts you in a very difficult position. Do you have any other close people who support you?

I've kept it all pretty much to myself this time, but last night told a friend that I had been very low because of IVF and she just didn't know what to say. Sometimes I think I'm just too self-centred when I'm going through a cycle and that it's unfair to expect my friends to pick up the pieces, but you sooooo need it at that time. I haven't managed to tell my mum yet either, because she's already having to be there for my brother, who's breaking up with his long-term girlfriend (they have a gorgeous baby-boy), so I didn't want to burden her, but it's a lonely place to be without her.

Saturday was awful, as I had last scan before e/c and there were only 4 fully-grown follicles and three small ones. Was told that clinic will 'try their best but can't promise anything' (Well no, of course not. I know that. It's out 4th cycle after all!!!). It made me feel like it was all over already and I just couldn't stop crying. Poor DH! We made sure we had a nice day yesterday to relax, went to the coast and soaked up some sun, but I still have to stop myself from being negative before tomorrow's big day. What I really can't understand is that I was overstimulated in my first cycle, so why are the numbers dwindling so fast? Yet another obstacle to deal with. How much more can we take  

Cinders, hope things are going well for you. Good luck with e/c (when's yours?). Bodia, I'm keeping everything crossed for you.

Kats


----------



## bodia

Hi Kats,

 so sorry to hear you've been on that emotional rollercoaster. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending loads of love and positive thoughts for good quality eggs (remember quality, not quantity!)   Hope you manage to relax a bit. I found Hypno Fertility CD's good last time...they certainly helped me drift off to sleep. You can buy them online.

Thanks for your wise words. I feel much better now, but still   sad I must admit. I hate the way IF infests every part of my life, especially my friendships as they mean so much to me, but so often I end up feeling lonely and unconnected to those supposedly close to me. I think you're right; when we are having IVF it's our whole world, and others don't know that and often really don't know what to do. I am fortunate in that I have a few really good friends. My problem is that I hate feeling any tension or conflict and I end up feeling guilty. I also know I am a good friend to people and can't help expecting a little understanding back every now and then! 

However, on a positive note, another pg friend has been fab this week, listening to me moaning on on the phone and being a truly good mate.  

I have my scan tomorrow to see if I have any follies so am getting nervous about that. EC scheduled for next Mon, so nervous about that too.

Cinders - how are you?

Hope everyone else is OK?

 for tomorrow Kats,

Take care all,

xxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hello ladies,
Hope tommorrow goes well for both of you. 
I am in similar position re follies Kats, last cycle had 9 at this stage, only 5 this time. But am doing my best!!! Like you say quality hopefully!!!!
On a positive note, the scanning lady said my endometrium was "beautiful" this morning so that's nice!!!!
EC is looking like thursday at the mo, but will know for sure after tommorrows scan.
I am glad not to be talking about IVF constantly this time, as still have told only limited amount of people.
If we are lucky enough to get some nice embryos to transfer, am dreading transfer due to dodgy cervix, but mostly dreading 2ww, cos hate the horror of another bfn. As you can see, still not so positive!!!
Are you guys going to keep 2ww diary? I did last time, not sure this time?
You sound like such a good person and friend Bodia. I think I am quite a giving person too,( not quite perfect you understand!!!) but I have sadly been let down and disappointed by people/ friends along the way. So I think I understand how you feel.  Maybe when we've all got through this,(successfully!) we can meet up to discuss our cracked nipples and episiotomy scars!!! There, now I've cheered you up haven't I?  With friends like me!!!.........
Got to get up at 05.30am!
Gotta get some sleep,
N'night!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Cinders - Sorry to hear you are also having probs with follies...must be catching as so am I! (More later...)
Yes, would love to meet up to talk pg's and babies rather than EC's, ET's and blooming BFN's!!!!!!!!!!  
Hope you scan today went well...let us know how you got on and if you're still on for EC on Thursday.

Kats - Hope today went OK and that you are recovering and looking after yourself.

Interestingly, pg friend who I was v upset about has just texted asking how I am - saying she hopes I'm feeling better. Not sure if / when I'll respond as the truth is I feel worse, but not because of her...

am really sad   again. Had my scan today and it was awful. I knew something was up; the nurse didn't say anything for ages. I only have 4 follies. At this point last time I had 18! Last time I went on to have 13 eggs, 8 embryo's, 6 of which were excellent quality so 2 put back and 4 frosties. My heart broke when she said only 4...we were so hoping for blasts (need 5 embyo's for that,) and it seems so unfair that after last time we are having this response. I am on a low dosage of drugs (puregon 200ml) and am thinking now I shoud've had my FSH levels checked before embarking on this cycle...they flucuate I know, but mine is quite high, around 8/9. Doctor has prescribed menopur to try to give me a boost. There are another 2 very small follies that might grow () Am gutted that we probably won't be able to go for blasts and it was clear that everyone at the clinic was disappointed and surprised as we'd had such a good response last time. Trying to stay positive, but feel really upset. Have my next scan on Friday so please send some   my way.

Funny how we've all ended up in a similiar boat...at least we can support each other.  

Take care all,
xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,
Hope your follies had some lovely eggs today Kat, and you are not too sore.    
Sorry to hear about your follie problems too Bodia. What is going on with us?! Maybe we are having a more troublesome cycle, but will have a better outcome?!!! 
Maybe it really will be quality not quantity?
At least you will be able to increase your stimms. Think of my cr*ppy, ole ovaries, taking 375u menopur for 13 days and still only coming up with a few follies!!! It could be as much as, wait for it, 7!!!
EC is thursday, so trigger injection tonight.
What are your 2ww plans guys? You going to work?
Love and     to all our follies/eggs!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Hello girls,

What a nightmare! To have gone through all this and then come out with so few follicles. Bodia and Cinders, I know exactly how it feels. So let-down and exhausted. Strange how the numbers can change so much. I thought that responding well to the drugs was the one thing I could take for granted! When you've got this far, you don't really think there would be even more problems, do you. But please keep your spirits up. You only need one good egg and sperm to make one fab embie. There are some doctors now who think that you don't need to go the whole whack with d/r and stimming drugs and still have a good chance of getting pg from one or two good eggs. Imagine if one of them turns out to be 'the one'.

Yesterday seems to have gone okay for me. They got 5 eggs, though I don't find out how many fertilised until later this morning. Am one nervous wreck. I should be doing some work from home today, but how on earth can I concentrate on that? I don't seem too sore, thank goodness. It's been worse before. But feel really grumpy and unsure what to do with myself.

Not looking forward to 2ww. The first week is normally okay, because nothing much happens, but then I start to panic, because I've always had my AF a couple of days before pg test. Each time, I had a night cramp, then two days of nothing and then suddenly AF. Last time I was even more devastated than the two times before and knowing that makes me worry even more. You just can't protect yourself against those horrible feelings. I'll be working, but can do much of it from home, so I don't have to meet too many people but on a bad day, there's also no one to talk to while DH is at work. We are having two good friends visit us this weekend. They don't have kids and say that they're not yet sure they want any, so we should be able to avoid the topic as much as possible. Haven't seen them in a while, so I'm looking forward to seeing them and it should help to take my mind of the wait a little.

I've never kept a 2ww diary. It would probably make me even more loopy. Cinder, so you feel it helps? Before my m/c three years ago, I had kept a diary. Still have it, but just can't bear to look at it.

Hynotherapy CD sounds like a good idea. I'm still wondering if I should have seen a councellor by now, but just haven't made the time for it yet. If we have another BFN, I definitely will, because it's just too much to deal with on your own.

We'll be going to visit DH's family towards the end of 2ww and that could be awful. Not sure how I'll cope if AF arrives and we're with them.

Anyway, expect me to go   over the next two weeks, but then if we all are, we should still understand each other.

One day we'll meet to talk about pg scars and getting fat and not having time to ourselves. That'll be one amazing day  

 to you, Bodia and Cinders. Look after yourself and your beautiful follies. 


Kats


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Kats -   to you. How may embies have you got? Hope you are feeling OK. I will be with you om 2ww going loopy also!   I think the key is to look after yourself as much as poss and don't do anything you don't want to do. Easier said than done I know.

Cinders - I like your; "We had good follies but no BFP" last time attitude. I think there's definetly something to be said for quality not quantity. I think yesterday just threw me and it's left me a little upset, but have dusted myself down today.

I am off work from Friday. I'm a teacher, so am taking the last week of term off, and then it's the summer hols anyway! I couldn't hope to concentrate to be honest. I will be having some friends pop in, I plan to go to London to meet friends for lunch, and no doubt spend hours on FF (and my latest guilty pleasure...******** - are either of you on there? If not join! It's fab!)  

Anyway, am at work now so gotta go. Thinking of you both and sending loads of love and  


xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hi bodia,

so sorry to hear about your follie situation. sorry also i didn't reply to your text last night. i was in bed! i took myself off to bed at 6.30pm and slept right through to this morning. bliss.

i'm on ******** too by the way and am also addicted!

see you there!

rosie xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi ladies,
Kat, hope you got some lovely embies. As someone said to me, keeping fingers, toes and all organs crossed for you!?!   
Bodia, I am very part time. But still cannot face work during 2ww, so am asking for sick note for the 2ww.
Hi Rosie, how you doing? Have thought about you lots, and tried to write several inadequate posts to your beautifully articulate ones! Ended up deleting, and not posting. Sorry!
Getting to the scary bit now (2ww) so will be back in the frantic knicker checking club before I know it!  
Love to all,
Cindersxxx
ps need to checkout ******** clearly!


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Defo checkout ********...it's fab!

Kats - Thinking of you and hoping all well. xx

Cinders - Hang in there!!!!!!  

Rosie -   Hope you are doing OK; thinking of you. Not long til the end of term!!!!

I've been doing everything I can to boost my follies ... been drinking whey protein powder (for body builders!     ) bought a wheat bag (and a microwave as we didn't have one!  ) Also had a homepathic remedy and having acupuncture this afternoon.....as well as the extra menopur jabs! So we'll see how things are looking at my scan tomorrow.

Take care,

xxx


----------



## bodia

P.S. PM me when you're registered on ******** and we can communicate via that medium too!


----------



## cinders35

Hello all,
Just a quicky as have hot date with a hot water bottle! EC went fine, they got more than expected, 10!! But not sure yet if they are all mature, so fingers crossed.
Hope you ok Kats,  
Good thinking Bodia, on extras to help those follies along. Keep up the good work. When's the next scan?
Hi Rosie, have you got a plan of action yet for frosties or is it too soon?
Is Ella still around?
Love to all
Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Lots of    to you all. Bodia, hope those follies are coming on nicely. You really couldn't be doing any more. I've had homeopathy a few times and, although it didn't affect the outcome, I was just grateful to be able to talk about IVF and get some reassurance. Feels good to be doing something for yourself, too, and that may just make all the difference.

Cinders, well done. Hope you're not too sore today and that hot water bottle has worked its magic. I was lucky and not in too much pain this time. Even had quite a good day after EC.

ET went well yesterday . Two lovely embies on board  Keep strong, little ones. I have had my worst day yet, though. Although I should have been happy, I felt completely exhausted and grotty. Must have totally confused DH, but he was lovely and treated me rotten. I guess it was just the built-up tension of the last few weeks. Still feel very nervous today and am hoping it's not going to affect my embies. Am trying to do some work from home, but looks like I'll have to give up, seeing that I've spent the last half hour on FF and just can't concentrate on anything else. Do you have any tips on how to keep sane during 2ww?

Rosie, I read and replied to your message on the other threat 'it's just not funny anymore'. You moved me so much. Hope you are well and keeping strong.

I'll have to be careful with ********. Lots of my students are on it and I don't want stuff to get mixed up.

Lots of love,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

Hi Kats,
Well done. No tips for 2ww, nearly went potty last time!    to you, and if you figure out how to stay sane, let me know!!!
Hi Bodia, just wondering how those follies coming along? Hope scan went well for you.   
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Kats -  and ^stickyvibes^ to you. Glad you got 2 lovely embies...well done you! Now try to relax! (Yeah, right!  ) What do you teach? I am a teacher also, and have run into lots of my ex-students on ********...made me feel v old as they are all at Uni now. I am obviously not mentioning anything to do with IF on there, so it's quite a break!

Cinders -   10 eggs is fab! Hope lots of them have fertilised and that ET goes well. xx

I had a scan yesterday. Pleased to say that we now have 5 follies which are all really good sizeed (16-20) and one smaller one (9) which might still grow. Still doing all the wierd follie encouraging things and hoping for some good eggs on Mon. It's amazing how the goalposts change doing this isn't it? I never even had to think about any of this last time as I responded so well.

Finished work yesterday. Will have to go in over the summer hols as have loads of planning to do for Sept.  

Have a good weekend all. I am v nervous about going under general and poss not getting many eggs on Mon!!!!!!

Take care and  

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hello ladies,
Glad follies are making good progress Bodia, try and rest over weekend, and lots of     for monday EC.
Hope you are ok Kats, taking it easy?
Had ET this a.m. As you may remember, they had difficulties getting through my cervix last time. So today they had anaesthetist on standby. But I am pleased to say I didn't need an anaesthetic! The Dr was SOOOOO gentle, I can NOT believe what a different experience it was for me today. How weird is that? It was an easy transfer!!!
Trying not to get too hung up on grades, as my ole' eggs are not making the top grade! But hoping that given a chance they might just hang on in there! Now for the loopy bit, the 2ww 
Love and luck,
Cindersxxxx


----------



## bodia

Cinders - Sending love and luck and lots of  to you.
xx


----------



## cinders35

Thanks Bodia,
much appreciated. Sending you follie growth vibes!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

*Cinders, Bodia, Rosie*, I'm here!!  
Been away on a summer school week.. grief, in a way didn't want to come on here, wanted to forget my infertility & lack of children. Couldn't believe the only preg person on whole course was in my small group & kept trying to chat about the fact she was 7 months ( obv she's thrilled). Almost got to point of yelling I'm flamin subfertile!! Can you imagine.
I need to read back to see how you girlies are doing on ivf. *Kat * too Hi 

All crossed for you all!    
I'm on ******** too but that's my serious & studious side... Do I have one? I joined myspace as Rosie knows but haven't done much with or to it... Are you on myspace?

x


----------



## bodia

Hello Girls,

 Ella. Sorry to hear summer school was tough esp with the pg woman  !!! Have sent you a PM re ********. A great way to waste some time I feel...

Anyway, have had a surprisingly good day so far. Went to church for some much needed praying, then met a friend who is 8 mths pg. She was great and we went for a drink (non alcoholic of course  !) and then came back here and sunbathed and just chatted the afternoon away. Feeling a little nervous about tomorrow; both the GA (even though that was fine last time I don't like the thought of it,) and also the eggs....how many / am I going to get any etc etc?! DH has been a nervous wreck today, but that's worked out well as he's cleaned the whole house, made loads of curry to freeze and generally kepy himself busy in a productive way!  

Cinders / Kats - Hope 2ww has started well? xx

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

for EC tommorrow Bodia!!!!! 
SUNBATHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
What's that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
                       
2ww sending me loopy already!!!   
Love to all 
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hello Girls,

Well, I had EC and thankfully the GA and everything went OK. I got 4 eggs. Was a bit gutted to be honest not to have had more, and obviously blasts are out now. Both very nervous waiting to see how many / if any have fertilised. Thanks as always for all your support and good wishes...couldn't do this without my buddies on here! I got really upset before going down to theatre; I just so badly want this to work so that I never have to go through this again!!!

Ella / Rosie - Hope you are both doing OK.

Kats / Cinders - Don't start going   just yet!!! Thinking of you both!!!


Thanks again girls,
\
xxx


----------



## cinders35

Well done Bodia,
There are plenty of stories on these boards, of people with less eggs than that who have gone on to get bfp! It really does only take one! So will send                   to your eggs, hope that they are "getting it on" as we speak/type with their  !!
Rest up, and take extra good care of yourself. 
Thinking of you and hoping you not too sore,
Love to everyone else,
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Have got 3 embies!!!

Transfer tomorrow.

Hope you 2 both OK on your 2ww's. Did either of you get any frosties this time?

Take care.

xx


----------



## cinders35

That's brilliant Bodia!!!
Well done, and   for ET tommorrow!
No frosties for us. DP has issues with freezing. But not sure that they would have been good enough to freeze anyway.
I am trying to think beyond the 2ww, planning a dance class at my gym that I have seen and quite fancied, might get some leg warmers!?! (Always had "fame" fantasies!! "I'm gonna live forever...I'm gonna learn how to fly, highhhh....") Will start tennis thursday mornings with dd in school. Hoping to do teeny weeny open university course, in writing! See if any brain cells left!? Totally envy Rosies natural ability and flair at writing, you should definately explore writing proffessionally Rosie!! I would pay good money to read a book written by you!!
I have been here before, and know how awful a bfn feels. Of course I will be upset and grieve, but I need to have a plan to move on. I am sick of how I have let IF rule my life for at least 3years now. I'm sure you can see through the bravado, I am just trying to protect myself. It's just my way of coping.
On a more positive note, feeling so much more rested this time with my DM (dear mother!!) staying, and helping out!
Love and     to all who read,
Love Cindersxxxx


----------



## Ella*

Bodia,
I such a bloomin   & stupid moo! I wrote to you before catching up properly here! How rude of me as well! Congrats on 3 embies ( & poor you re GA!, I'm refusing to have one! )
       
You know I feel the same, we all do, just please let this one darn well work!!!

Cinders, I agree, I'd read Rosie's book! You really have your head screwed on, I know because you have to, but well done for making plans etc!   

How's Kats & Rosie?

I start Aug... been for consultation today... here we go... Going to aim for the lot. IVf, icsi, blasts ( if they suit, like you say Bodia) & basically invest heavily in this one. 

Oh ladies, we need some luck


----------



## Kats

Hello ladies,

Bodia, that's fantastic news about your 3 beauties. Hope they grow nice and strong and settle in well after ET tomorrow. Please stay positive. I know exactly what you mean about hoping not to have to go through it all again. It's really difficult to keep up your hopes while thinking that this may not be the last time we have to do this. Here's a chin-up and smile from me, plus lots of    .

Sorry, have been a bit quiet last few days. We had friends staying with us over the weekend, which was lovely. Very relaxing. I had given them strict instructions not to do 'baby-talk' and luckily, they stuck to that, so we had a great chance to switch off and think of something else for a bit (well, kind of, it's always on the back of your mind, isn't it). Been trying to catch up with work a bit for the last two days. Partly because I have to, but also because it distracts me. I am just soooooo tired and the moddy weather doesn't help. Also still really struggling to concentrate.

Cinders, how are you feeling? Sounds like you had a brill ET. It's always hard to believe that your just free to go afterwards, I think.

I really can't say how   I am by now. It's up to everyone else to judge. I've felt better physically and emotionally for the last few days, a little more stable, but then keep getting teary at the most strangest and embarrassing moments (e.g. today in a work meeting on something totally unmoving. I've no idea what set me off). Am constantly checking for symptoms. I so want to feel different. Hate getting closer to likely AF date (probably Sunday or Monday, but could be earlier).

Ella, lovely meeting you. Good luck for your tx in August. You planning to do anything different?

Right, 20 minutes to go before DH hopefully comes to collect me from work. I'm a lecturer at uni, so it's nice and quiet at the moment with no students around. Just lots of other work to catch up on.

Where's the sun? Can we really have any more rain?

Love to you all 
Kats


----------



## Kats

Hi girls, how is everyone?

Bodia, you taking it nice and easy, looking after yourself and those pressuous embies?

Cinders, are you still sane? Not sure I am! Must be talking an awful lot of nonesense to people at work at the moment. It's just too much to think about.

Ella,  

Be good,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

Morning everyone,
Bodia, hope ET went well? Hope you are taking well deserved break, and beng lady of leisure?    
Kats, up and down like a yo yo! Am still very very tired. Not sure if it's a build up from treatment and drugs, was also very busy prior to treatment with decorating. But am being particularly lazy still, have very little energy. Am not really looking at it as a sign, as with dd felt no different when pg. Was a whole week late before I thought  about a test with her, oh if only!!! You are doing so well to be at work, I am still waiting my sick note through. My job can be quite physical, and it's not common knowledge that I am doing treatment this time, so best to stay away. Also can be stressful, so definately don't need that! They don't want me blubbing in a heap on the floor!   
Am keeping a 2ww diary, it's extremely boring, but rather than repeat myself on my favourite boards, and bore everyone silly, my 2ww details are on there.
I suppose to anyone reading it might seem strange for us to be on negative board for 2ww! But our negatives have led us onto next cycle, and here we are.... REALLY hoping we are all kicked off here at the end of our 2ww!!!!!   
Love and luck to us all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Cinders, hope your sick note comes through asap!
Kats, Cinders & Bodia      

Any news Bodia, rest up!  

Rosie,


----------



## bodia

Had transfer yesterday and have now got one  Grade 3 & 1/2, and one grade 3 embie hopefully nesting into their home for the next 9 months! No frosties as they wouldn't freeze just one  

Had acupuncture before and after transfer this time, and have been advised 3 days of bed rest! Am already going   Spent morning in bed and am off to the sofa in a mo!

Had a pg announcement the day before transfer from an old friend who's 14 weeks. Happy for her, but it's always so hard to imagine getting pg on schedule like that isn't it?!  

Cinders - What job do you do? I think stay away from stressy situations as much as poss! I am lucky as a teacher that I have this week off and then it's summer hols anyway   Think I might start going stir craaaazy though!!!!

Ella - Am off to ******** in a mo, so will send you a msg on there! Good news about starting again, although I know it feels scary.

Kats - When do you test? Hang in there and remember we are all in this together and we're willing it to work for you!!!  


I am listening to hypno conception CD's and visualising my embies.   or   I'm not sure!

Take care all,

xx


----------



## saphy75

> REALLY hoping we are all kicked off here at the end of our 2ww!!!!!


What a fab reason to get chucked off a thread, I'll be more than happy to boot you off here when you all get  ^beware^

good luck girls   

pam xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

yeh i second that!

i'd be happy to see you lot escorted off the BFN premises in favour of the glamorous and glitzy pregnancy boards. i hear it's like OK! magazine over there. while we're more 'take-a-break' minus the money off margarine coupons.

so be off, you big bellied girls. shoo!

aww... not really! look, when you turn into BFP girls (anytime now i reckon) you'll always have a home in this, our humble, down-and-out fertility soup kitchen.

on the condition you make out you're just a plain old run of the mill fatty and _not_ a very lucky and excited preggy.​
because fatties of any description will always be welcome here.

so good luck to you all: *bodia*, *cinders* and *kats*. here's hoping you become "plain old run of the mill fatties" over the next 8 months...

much love,

rosie xxx


----------



## Kats

Morning girls,

Oh Rosie, I already feel like a big old fatty. That's one thing we do share with those preggy Rosecheeks. You get so bloated and big that it feels like, what the heck, might as well have another chockie/chinese take-away/fish and chippie - won't make any b*****y difference, will it   The one thing that I really miss at the mo though is that glass of red wine, which would normally be my crutch when I'm down. And sorry but that cup of camomille tea just doesn't do it for me!

Think I'm having one of my bad days today. VERY long day at work yesterday. Hubby went out with his teacher pals in the evening so I thought I'd stay late and try to catch up on work I've missed over the last week or so. Well, by about 7 I had such a huge headache and felt sooooo tired I switched on to FF and didn't even have the energy to read anything on here!!!! Headache still there this morning and I'm desparately trying not to take it as first bad sign (it's how AF usually announces herself), but blame it on work. Bodia, I should have just been sensible like you and signed myself off. Like you, I find it really hard not to do anything and to rest.

Probably didn't help that I met one very lovely women at work for lunch and, after some chit-chat, felt that I could tell her about IVF. She was absolutely wonderful, really, but that didn't help. Those tears just wouldn't stop. I think I've battled with this on my own for so long that it was just too much of a relief and I felt greedy, 'cause I really, really, really needed a hug and no stupid comments. Still hope it's not too much of a burden on her. She's already got enough on her plate to worry about loopy infertile friend.

Girls, do you mind if I have a hormonal moment?

         

Thanks. That feels better.

So, Cinders, as you can see, I'm not at all going  , not me 

End of 2ww getting nearer. Soooooo scared. What if? I can't stop myself from asking that question. Wonder if there's anything still happening in there. If only those beanies could send us little signs (why aren't they on broadband yet!!!!). You know, it makes me really angry sometimes when I read about the latest wonder-scientific-discovery at, like, nano-micro-nano level, but then there's still so little change in the world of IVF. Aren't we worth a bit more effort, please??!!!!!!!

Bodia, hope you are taking it easy and looking after yourself.

Cinders, sending you a few loops to keep things going round nicely. Must try and find your diary on the 2ww threat.

Rosie, let's be plain old fatty friends forever.

Ella, hope you're enjoying the last few weeks before next tx. Please have a glass of red wine on me (oh go on, make that two).

Big   to you all. Really don't know what I'd do without you now.

Lol,
Kats


----------



## bodia

Kats....you go ahead with your hormonal       all you like...that's what we're here for!

It's Friday today, and it could be worse! I have friends getting married tomorrow    !!

It sounds like you found someone really supportive there to talk to, and that's a good thing. I'm sure she doesn't feel burdened. Hang in there....we are with you and will be here for you whatever the next few days throws at you. When do you do the dreaded test?! Remember   are watching so no early sneaking a peek!!!

Rosie -   to you too. Thanks for your lovely thoughts and good wishes. I hereby solemnly swear (with Mr Chill  as my witness) to always be a plain old run of the mill fatty (pg or not - shouldn't be a problem with this belly!   ) How are you doing? Starting FET soon or taking some well deserved time out? Last day of term today? 

Cinders - It's funny how we've all bedded down on this thread. I feel it's friendlier and we've all been on a big journey together somehow. Hope you are hanging in there also.

Right! Back to bed for me! Got a mate to call, and a pg mate visiting later!

xx


----------



## Kats

Thank you, Bodia. I really love this threat and WHEN all the good stuff starts to happen for us, it will be nice to move together. For now, I'm happy to have found a home here. 

You are so amazing. I'm not sure I could handle a pg friend visiting me right now. Hope she's one of those lovely, genuine people and she'll give you lots of good vibes    .

Hubby's last day at school today. He should be coming home a little earlier than usual, which will just be fab. We'll be off to see his dad this weekend. Will stop en route because of the  . Really think we need to celebrate with a nice meal or so. I'm just so releaved his school-year is over. We always take time off together, so it's very nearly my last day at work before we go on holidays propoerly next week too. I've really had enough, so can't wait. Roll on 4pm.

Test day is Tuesday. Fingers crossed   before then. How many days do you have to wait for yours?

Hope you're friends will have a little   on their special day. Nothing should really spoil it, but a few rays of sunshine do help, even if it's just for the pictures. Are you feeling well enough to go to the wedding? If so, enjoy it and have a lovely day.  

Cinders, when do you test?

Rosie, I also wanted to ask what your plans are next. Are you giving yourself a bit of time off?  

Buy for now,
Kats

P.S. Not a peestick in sight yet, honest


----------



## cinders35

Hello everyone,
You have all been very chatty!
Kats, can't believe that you are so far along in the 2ww!! Well done you! Tuesday not so far away.        Will you be away when you test? Or still at home? Have a lovely time with dp, and take it easy if you are driving very far. Weather pants. 
Bodia, hope you are enjoing your afternoon, entertaining your visitors!!  
Rosie, thanks for your kind words. But we ain't eaving this place without ya,   so Pam, you'll have to get the heavies in to kick us off this thread! (Thats praying that we get bfp's this time!!!)    
I am not so tired or bloaty today, and feeling grumpy because I am not so tired and bloaty today!! Oh please let this work. Have allowed myself little pg announcement fantasies. Fatal mistake!!! I am only one week in, arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta go, otherwise will just keep waffling.
Love and luck Cindersxxx 
p.s. testing 30th july. Hopefully.


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Kats - Have lovely weekend. Pg mate is a close friend. We have had some up's and down's I'll admit, but she's been v patient and understood when I needed space. Most of all she's been a good listener in the last few weeks, so I am lucky I know. Oh, and she doesn't go on about being ! Glad to hear the   are doing their job!

Cinders - You test 2 days before me!!!!   remember...hang in there girl!

Now please excuse me a minute whilst I go all hormonal...

          

Had a better day today (believe it or not!  ) Pg mate came round and we sat chatting for ages and I watched my wedding blessing video also.  

However, I am having some probs with a friend and it's really getting me down! Here's the story....friend for about 10 years, used to be v close with her and her DH, travelled together, they came to our wedding in Cambodia etc. She's always been a little bit self obsessed   but always around when needed. Last year she seperated from her DH, I was v supportive; helped her move out, stored her stuff in garage for months, took her to a spa, texted her all the time etc etc. About this time last year she started seeing new guy...bit wierd for DH and I as we're still friends (particularly my DH) with her ex, but happy for her etc. However, she has not been here for me at all in the last 6 months or so! Last IVF, she never called, occasional text, but nothing more. Then after it failed I was v down and she still made no effort (no b'day card,) I emailled to tell her I was feeling lonely and isolated...and she responded but didn't take any of it on board or own anything. Pg mate sees a lot of her; she says she just doesn't know what to say about my IF. About 7 weeks ago, I went running with her, bought up IVF, told her all about it, said I would need friends to help me occupy myself, was v open and thought things would be OK. Since then, no phonecalls, only a couple of texts. Sat she texted to say she could see me for 2 hours next Fri, but other than that is busy! Said she'd call (knew I was going into hospital this week.) Mon she called pg mate and said she feels that we've become unconnected and it's v sad! Friday now..no phonecall, no text, no email, nothing! Have texted her tonight to ask when's a good time to call as I want to have it out so to speak; it's eating me up as my friends mean so much and either we get over this or we move on as I can't cope with not hearing from her, then sporadically getting a text. I know I need to focus on me, but feel if I don't sort this now, if I get a negative then it won't be any easier! She has texted back to say she'll call in next few days. Am leaving it there now but as you can see it's got me v v stressed and most of all sad!!! 

So sorry for huge rant girls!

Phew! Strangely feel a little better now..it's like therapy this isn't it!  


xx


----------



## Ella*

*Bodia*,
Arghhhhh, what a friend ( or not!) That's a bit much . I have a friend who's rather wrapped up in herself now & after all the support I can give for rather insignificant things I have had nothing in return for major events this year & for the first time ever she forgot my birthday. Coo we do weigh things on b'days  Could be an aquarian thing! Hope she comes up with a good excuse! How are you doing anyway? You sound good    

*Kats*, wow , Tuesday isn't long at all!!  

*Cinders*, one week im, isn't time flying!  

Sanity is still prevailing on the bfn thread even with three 2 week waiters!!!

 *Rosie*


----------



## bodia

Sanity? Where's that? Hope you are doing OK Ella xxx

I didn't sleep well last night and woke up at 6am feeling really upset / anxious about situation with "friend". She's camping at the mo so can't talk today, and just feel like I can't bear it hanging over me for the weekend. We've been down this road before, I've told her how I feel but nothing's changed. So, have pretty much decided to text and say that I am not able to cope with this at the moment as I'm having a difficult time which I hope she can understand (!) Then I will try and put it behind me and move on....I can't see this getting resolved as she hasn't been able to own any of this of apologise. It just upsets me to lose another friend, but real friends wouldn't behave in this way!

What about this weather eh?

Hope everyone is OK.

xx


----------



## cinders35

Morning girls,
Mmmm...Bodia, not sure what to say about your friend. Travelling together, in the backpacking sense?
If that is so, then what you are going through now is a world away from backpacking days. I know! Think our lives do go in different directions, and perhaps it is difficult for her to know how to help. But at the end of the day, it's not really about her inadequacies in supporting you. It's not really on to say it's too hard, so I won't bother. I think we know that she just needs to get on and be your friend, you're not expecting professional counselling. Just a mate with a shoulder, some tissues and the odd bar of chocolate.  Hopefully the tissues will be for your tears of joy!!!  but it's getting that through to her that's the problem!
I am always more articulate (believe it or not!!!) when I write, so would you consider writing to her? Letting her know that you are still you, you've just had a lot of c**p to deal with. Maybe set some rules about how long to talk about IF for. I have talked so much about IF with my friends that I am sick to the teeth of it! They usually wait for me to bring it up now, and mostly I don't bother!!! 
Hope you are ok Kats, and not swept away in the floods!   
Hi Ella, good to "see" you!   Thank's for thinking of me.
Hey Rosie, hope you are ok. We miss you!
Me? thinking bad, negative thoughts. 
Love and luck
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

*Cinders*, no bad neg thoughts, no bad neg thoughts!!   
C'mon girl, the rollercoaster that is the 2 weeks is over half way now.
You're right Cinders, I too would possibly write to Bodia's friend. Depends though on if I really thought there was something to salvage as like you, friendship Is choc & tissues not deciding if they can handle something or not...  
*Bodia*, like you say, if it was a good friedship you'd like to think this wouldn't happen anyway. The only excuse I see for her left in my book is if she is having a real problem with her own life at the mo ( I'm talk major, not that she's overdue a haircut) but then she really needs to hint at it. 

*Kats* thinking of you, just a few days now  

Rosie posie


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Thanks as always for your advice.  

I had already sent an email after my last BFN where I was really open and honest, and even admitted 
some of the distance between us was my fault as I literally pushed everyone away. But she wasn't able to admit that some of it was her fault, and that really upset me. Since then, nothing has changed. Anyway, I texted yest and said I couldn't deal with this at the mo; she texted that she hoped I knew she is there to support me (!). That's the end of that for now and I feel better about it!  

Have been out of the house today!!!! And it was sunny! Went to church and then lunch with 2 friends, and then a different friend with a dog came and we went for a walk and sat in a beer garden. Heaven.  

Am about to book a short break over to see a mate in N Ireland for 2 days after I get my result. We are going to go to a place called Tory Island, the Northern most point of Ireland and an island where they have their own King! I thought if I'm pg it will be a lovely break, if I'm not, it gives me something positive to focus on. Hope it's a good idea....


Cinders - Sorry to hear you are having bad bad thoughts....^stickyvibes^ to you and  

Kats - Hope you have had a lovely weekend away.

Rosie and Ella -   


xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi everyone,
We all being a bit quiet. Hope no news is good news?
Kats, keeping absolutely everything crossed for testing. Think it's tommorrow if I'm right?    
Bodia, hope you are taking it easy,    
I have been having very strong af symptoms, so much back ache and tummy ache was awake with it last night. So have launched into a downward spiral of negativity. Dread going or a wee now!   Trouble is, until I see the blood I still have that glimmer of hope. I fluctuate from glimmer of hope to none!) 
Don't want to bring you guys down, and it's not over till it's over....so...
Love and luck,
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Now now Cinders....you have been here before and know full well that AF symptons at this stage can mean anything...AF / the pessaries / or a BFP!   So, try to calm yourself. I prescribe more daytime TV and the new Harry Potter.  

Kats -    and  for tomorrow. Sending every positive vibe possible.

 Rosie and Ella

xxx

PS. So far, this has been the slowest 2ww of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Burnie aka Hobbit

Kats,

Wishing you lots of luck for your test today  

Burnie x


----------



## Ella*

Thinking of you all!

Kats   

Bodia & Cinders      

Rosie  

Ella


----------



## cinders35

Thanks for advice Bodia, but dp will not let me prize harry potter off him. He is no good at sharing!!!! 
Thanks Ella for thinking of me.
Kats hun, thinking of you.     
Hi Rosie, you still out there?  
Me   as today is the day started spotting last cycle. 
Love and luck
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Kats - Thinking of you and sending love. Here for you whatever the result is.  xxxx

Cinders - Try to stay calm girl!!!!   Hope you don't get the spotting...although it could mean anything if you do! Personally I like having some symptons; last time I had symptons but they stopped a few days before test day... 

Ella / Rosie -   hope you are OK.

xx


----------



## Kats

Sorry, girls. It's sad news for me   AF has arrived with full force. Seems like at least one of the embies implanted (had some pregnancy hormone, but at a low level yesterday), but didn't make it.

So sad. Will write again when I'm a bit better.

Bodia, Cinders, fingers crossed you will have better news.

Lots of love,
Kats


----------



## bodia

Kats -  
Thinking of you and DH.

xxxxx


----------



## cinders35

Big hugs to you Kats, so sorry. 
Afraid my spotting has arrived on queue. So not looking good for me.
We need some good news Bodia, no pressure!!! Surely one of us can make it?
Love to all
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Thinking of you both....  that's a greoup hug.

But Cinders...it could be OK yet. Sending lots of   and positive thoughts.

Hi everyone else...I hate this 2ww lark!!!!!

xxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

kats. i'm so sorry. 

thinking of you.

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Kats so sorry to hear that


----------



## Ella*

Bodia & Cinders,


----------



## Kats

Cinders, Bodia, good luck to you both. We really do need some good news.

Many thanks for your thoughts, Rosie and Ella.

I'm off to find the sun and hopefully sort my head out for a few weeks. Will be back in September (unless I can find internet somewhere in-between).

Lots of    to you all.

Kats


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,
Spotting has increased. I am 99% sure is negative. Will keep on with bottom bullets bit longer, but have accepted it's over for this time, as that is easier, than to keep hoping and face the disappointment at each loo visit! I am so grateful for what I have, so if I could pass on any     that I have recieved, then I pass them to you Bodia, you deserve it.
Love and appreciation for all your kindness guys,
Enjoy your time away Kats, be good to yourselves.
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

oh girls.

we don't have much luck, do we? 

fingers are still crossed for you cinders. xx

as they are for you, bodia. xx


----------



## cinders35

Thanks Rosie,
Guess we are stuck here a bit longer then. 
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Oh Cinders       I appreciate it's looking pretty bleak but still offer you as much good luck as I can. Poor you, poor Kats, it's so darn awful


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Cinders -   Thinking of you and wishing that somehow it will be OK. xxxxx

Rosie / Ella - Thanks for your kind thoughts and support.

Kats -   You are in my thoughts. xxx

Went to London yesterday. Had a fab day, although am very tired now.   Saw 2 old friends, and had a lovely long walk along the Thames followed by posh fish and chips! Also, laughed a lot on the train listening to Russell Brand podcast! Almost forgot about the 2ww a couple of times....honest   Am busy every day, so why is time feeling like it's standing still?!!!!!

Thinking of you all,
xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i heart russell brand.


----------



## Ella*

Ol' Russ, he is a v. funny guy!, a little odd, but kinda grows on you. Wish he'd ditch the jeans but other than that...


----------



## bodia

He's fantastic....he's even funnier on the radio I think...download his podcast (available from Tuesday's on Radio 2's website.) You'll laugh out loud, so it's a great tonic.
xxx

Cinders - Thinking of you. xxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

In turmoil here today....had a tiny weeny bit of blood when I went to no.2's this morning, (sorry - tmi!  )
I never have spotting before my AF arrives, but I feel all crampy and like AF will arrive any minute. Knicker checking will be an obsession today I know... 
Not sure if I will make it to Weds without testing!!!!!!

Cinders - Thinking of you and sending loads of love.

Kats - Hope you have gone somewhere lovely and are looking after each other.
xx

Rosie / Ella -  


xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i reckon it could be implantation bleeding bodia. stay positive, ok. i'm keeping everything crossed, as are my cats - as per instructed.

lots of love and luck to you.



xxx


----------



## bodia

Thanks for that Rosie,

But wouldn't it be a bit late for implantation?



Hope you are OK
xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i don't reckon it's too late, no. and what about all the people who have spotting, even bleeding, in the first few weeks.

i'm praying this is working for you, bodia. i really am. 

are you still spotting?

love xxx


----------



## bodia

Thanks so much for your kind and reassuring words...means the world to me.

No more blood since that tiny weeny bit this morning.

AF pains have subsided for now. Woke up in the night with them though.  

Am 12dpo today, so not sure what to think.

Still hanging in here (by a thread  )

xx


----------



## Ella*

Bodia, I'm sure implantation can be later & as Rosie says, there's ladies on here that bleed/spot throught the first few weeks too.


----------



## rosiebadgirl

we're rooting for you, honey.



love, love, love.

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi ladies,
I think you may have just have made it in time for implantation bleeding Bodia!   I sincerely hope so. 
Love to everyone else,
Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

how are you cinders? xx


----------



## bodia

Thanks girls,

Cinders - Thinking of you and sending love and  

Went for a lovely meal last night, and then watched Dance X to take my mind off things (love dancing programmes, and DH knows someone on it!)

AF pains again today and my head is completley in a  

So scared of another negative.

xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

i got my first period last night since my last negative. in small amount of agony today let me tell you. it's been over 60 days since i first began to bleed when i was in the dominican republic. 

i'm rather hoping i'm bleeding enough for all of you. think of it as an act of charity, a bit of goodwill. maybe if i bleed this much, you won't have to?

it's ok. really. think nothing of it. besides, you can thank me in chocolates later.

good luck bodia and cinders. keeping everything crossed. 

xxx


----------



## Ella*

That's really generous of you Rosie! All doing our bit after all ( grief 60 days...   )

Cinders & Bodia, hang in there    

Kats


----------



## rosiebadgirl

well, what are friends for if not the occasional agonising spot of martyrdom?


----------



## cinders35

Hi all,
I am ok thanks Rosie, sorry to hear about your nasty af, but all help is gratefully recieved!!! Unfortunately for me, am still spotting. As I think I mentioned before I am something like 99.9% sure it is all over, but for the 0.1% of me left hoping, it is test day tommorrow! So tonight is the last time for this cycle I am logged on with the teeny weeniest bit of hope of a bfp!!! Will have to change my profile tommorrow.  
Things still ok Bodia? Any more spotting? Hope it is plain sailing all the way now, into the distance, heading towards a bright future full of sleepless nights, nappies, and cracked (.) (.) !!!!   
Did anyone watch the series "Jekyll" with James Nesbitt in it? It finished last night, but was brilliant, very confusing, but made me fancy James Nesbitt even more than when he was in Cold Feet! Anyway feeling sad tonight as my mum went back to Wales after a prolonged visit, looking after us for the cycle. How lucky was I? I miss her so much  
Love to all 
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Rosie -   That sounds harsh. Hope chocolate and wine are helping.

Ella - How are you?

Cinders - Have sent you a PM. Am thinking of you.
xx

Kats - About to send you a text. Thinking of you also.
x

Well....I went literally out of my mind over the weekend, and tested early. I got a positive! Didn't believe it of course, so I tested again (twice) this morning, and still positive! Have spoken to the clinic; the consultant says it's too late for it to be the HCG, so am starting to allow myself to believe.

Obviously very early days, and I had two lots of spotting over the weekend, so hoping for no more of that. Clinic want me to test again on Weds and if it's still positive they'll set a scan date.

Very scared, but thrilled to have got this far!

Thanks so much to all of you for your support and friendship. Am thinking of you all (feeling all emotional now!  )

Take care,

xx


----------



## Ella*

Bodia Bodia Bodia,       

What great news, great news indeed.


----------



## cinders35

Well done Bodia!!!!! Have pm'd you back!!!!
So glad at least one of us got a lovely bfp, it gives the rest of us hope, and strength to keep going. Surely if we wait long enough in the queue we will get our turn?!!!
Me- officially bfn. But already Knew really. Anyway, well done Bodia!!!!!!!!
Love and hope to us all,
Cindersxxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Cinders - Have PM'ed you also. Hope you are OK.  

Been torturing myself. Tested yesterday at 2pm with Clearblue digital; positive. Then this morning at 4.30 am First Response and Clearblue Digital (both positive.) Then had to check tonight, so at 6pm tested with a Predictor and got a BFN. Had drunk loads of water before, so tried to put it down to that. Tested again with clearblue (not digital) and got a faint line. AAARGH!!!!

Will test again in the morning, and again on Weds. Please pray that it stays positive for me!!!!  

If I can get to Weds the clinic will set a scan date...and then I can simply obsess and worry about that!

Also, went to doctors. Saw a very helpful locum who tried to get me into early pg unit for a scan; but far too early. So, am having HCG and Progesterone blood tests tomorrow and Thurs. 

Thanks again for all the wonderful support on this board.

xxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

my lovely bodia,

i've just pm'ed you back but i'd like to echo my sentiments on here too:

*BLOODY BRILLIANT!*

i am so, so happy for you. i just knew it was your time.

and remember what i said, regular fatties are always welcome on this board, so don't go too far away, ok. and because it's you i for one won't even mind that your a preggers regular fatty!

excellent news, bodia.

you clever girl!

xxx


----------



## Ella*

It really is the best news ever, gives us all a bit more hope. So so sorry for you Cinders & Kats   but thank goodness one of you three came out positive.

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling Bodia, bet you can't stop grinning


----------



## cinders35

Thanks Ella,
I too am glad at least one of us has had some success!!
How are things today Bodia?
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Thanks so much girls,

I am officially a nutter! Was up at 2am and got a positive (with clearblue) and a negative (the neg ones were with Predictor HPT which I think are crap! ) 

Dh thinks I am an  !!! Then was lying awake relieved, then lying awake worrying that not sleeping would effect my lovely embies!   

Anyway, I am not allowing myself to believe it's real until I retest tomorrow and call the clinic and get a scan date...

Had a HCG / progesterone test today, results after 2pm tomorrow!

Cinders / Kats - Thinking of you and sending  

Ella / Rosie - Thanks so much for all your kind words. I promise just to be a regular fatty...shouldn't be too hard!

xx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

i]Today it officially test date so...[/i]

Did a clearblue test this morning (only the 8th HPT for me! ) and it was positive!!!!!

Hooray!!!

Have a scan booked for Thurs 23rd. 

In the meantime, will get first HCG results this afternoon, and have another blood test tomorrow.

Thanks for all your support, it means the world to me.

xxx


----------



## cinders35

Brilliant! Well done you.
Am miserable as have tonsillitis!!!! Was going to be getting back out into the real world this week, having fun. But now I feel complete pants with tonsils the size of golf balls!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

excellent news, bodia. well done you. 

right then girls, one down...

xx


----------



## allyjo

sorry for butting in 

great news about the pregnancy bodia.

Sorry that some of you are with me in that I had my failed IVF cycle ended late June, just wonder how long it took some of you to get back to work and normal living? It seems to be taking me a long time to think about heading back although I think I will get back in the next week or so.


----------



## Ella*

Hi Allyjo.
Bodia, really fantastic, really great!

Now a me post, sorry.........
You know how this next treatment is down to my house sale? Maybe you did, maybe you didn't... Well
it started back in May or April?

We signed contract for house we're buying 2 weeks ago but waiting on our buyer signing. They have now yippeee, but............ the flamin first time buyer at the beginning of the chain said they don't want to sign unless they can complete mid september!    
It has been nearly 12 weeks already, would be 13/14 for completion now if all went normally but she wants 6 more weeks    
Oh grief, my first thought was the cancelling our treatment. I wouldn't have booked it if I wasnt confident we'd be moved by then. This is the first the whole chain has heard of this bloomin buyer wanting this. How inconsiderate  We're trying to get her to agree end Aug & then I can cycle in Sep but she's digging her heels in & none of us can afford to have her back out.....

Sorry for me post, but so upset I've to ring clinic tomorrow & reschedule


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Ella -   That sounds tough. The whole process of house buying is massively stressful (we moved last year - it took a year and in that time we lost one house, and 2 buyers...but we did find the house of our dreams  ) Add tx to that and you've got a highly stressy time one way or the other.
It seems that the first time buyer is being very inconsiderate....  Any idea why she dosn't want to complete until then? Sounds like she thinks she can call the shots. No doubt everyone is really annoyed and frustrated. The only thing I can say is that things can change by the hour in this process, so don't give up all hope just yet. Thinking of you and sending love. xx

Allyjo - So sorry to hear about your BFN. Plenty of support on this board. I went back to work after 2 days; I found it helped as I had a new job acting up as manager and it gave me a new focus. Everyone is different though. I certainly didn't feel "better" for a while; and even when I did I had good days and bad days. Allow yourself time to grieve; it's so tough.   

Cinders - Sorry to hear you are poorly. You don't need that at the moment. Get well soon!

Kats - Hope you are relaxing with family.

Rosie -   Isn't it great being a teacher in this weather?  

Got my HCG levels back (15dpo)
HCG - 338
Progesterone - 190

Have another blood test today, which I'll get the results for tomorrow. Praying that they will br OK.

Do any of you mind my ticker? Don't want to annoy/upset anyone; please please feel free to tell me if it does!

Take care all,

xx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

how is everyone else?

ella, how are you coping with this latest setback? 

cinders? kats? allyjo? how are you all doing?

well i'm thinking of you all anyway and hope to see you back here soon. i've been rattling around here on my own and let me tell you, i'm really quite the bore.

so come back soon and save me from myself.

rosie xx


----------



## Ella*

Hey mateys...

Yeah, finally got the house date move. 1st time buyer had been threatening mid sep which would also cause havoc with ( paying & would prob need a scan on move day etc ) for my treatment. However, she has relented & gone with end Aug! Wahoo! Exchane this week, so until then...
Feeling a very heavy weight with this treatment, it HAS to work/ It WILL work ( I know we say that about them all!)
I'm also finding it increasingly hard to avoid babies inlcuding my friends.

So *Rosie Posie*, how are you?
& *Cinders*, tonsils settled ? I just had the weirdest summer cough out of the blue.
*Bodia*- bet you haven't stopped smiling! 
*Kats & AllyJo *


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Ella -      That's great news about your house move. You have a lot on at the mo, so make sure you take some time out for yourself.
When do you start jabbing?

Rosie - Isn't being a teacher the best job in the world at the moment?!  

Hi to Cinders, Kats & AllyJo.

I'm OK. I am picking up my friend's 6 year son old tomorrow and he's staying with us for a couple of days. Off to see Prince on Saturday night!!!!!

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi you guys,
Haven't been posting a whole lot. To be honest am feeling lke a bag of s***e! As you know got tonsillitis day after my official bfn, and have felt c**p since then! Have finished antibiotics and throat feels better, but I feel totally and utterly exhausted. I have a blurry head, and feel generally full of aches and pains.  
I am wondering if it is just hangover from 2 bfn's in relatively short space of time. Feb/march, and july/august?
I feel complete pants, and am so annoyed because I wanted to be out there enjoying myself and picking myself up, but I feel too c**p.
Think I will need a big gap before next attempt. Going to push for a laparoscopy when I have review appointment in sept, so by time I have that and recover, will probably be next year for next cycle. Going to have one/possibly two more goes we think, then call it a day. We will be skint, and need to put our energy back into our lives.
Sorry for being mis   Just want to feel better.
Bodia, hope you are looking after those embies and yourself!!
Love to Kats, Ella and Rosie, and any other ff reading!
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Cinders, poor you, flamin tonsils & bfn's      

To be honest, I should be excited but feel great pressure for this treatment so feel pants too. Don't get me wrong, am so grateful for having treatment & not be waiting as is usually the case but feel a real pressure that this may be the biggy & the last because we simply can't see how we can afford another after this one ( in time for me not to be ancient as well!) I shouldn't be going into treatment with this attitude, just think positive etc...   

Anywayu, hope your tonsils clear! There's been a bit of summer throat coughs & colds going round. Mind you, you are probably more vulnerable at the moment  

Good to hear from you Bodia 'fatty in a good way'


----------



## cinders35

Hey guys,
Ella, sorry you aren't feeling so upbeat about impending treatment, but understandable as you've got a lot on your plate at the mo. Here, have some of these...          enough? No?     
Hey Bodia, how was Prince? You lucky girl!!!Someone else on site went to see him, and out of the blue got their seats upgraded to the front row!!!!!!!!! Am fairly jealous  
Hi Rosie, you awol? Hope you've got a note to explain your absence??!   Hope you are ok, whatever you are up to anyway!  
Kats, I know you have gone to find the  , but we are still thinking of you. Hoping you are looking after yourselves?  
MIL gone today, after over a week visiting. Suddenly, the dark clouds are parting..... 
Better go before I waffle any more c**p!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Cinders -   Sorry to hear you've been poorly. On top of a BFN that's the last thing you need, so not surprised you've been feeling down. It's been a tough year for you, although it sounds like you have some good plans about moving forwards and also having a bit of time off tx. Hope you are feeling a bit better. 

Ella - Hope all's still on course with the move.   to you also. I always find that starting tx is the hardest bit; the thought of being back on the treadmill is usually worse than the reality, when somehow we just manage. I would recommend Hypno Conception CD's as they can help you feel more positive. If you PM me your address I'll get DH to burn the 2 I used it you are interested. Ifound them really good for helping me to relax.

Rosie & Kats - Hope you are enjoying the sunshine. Thinking of you both.

Prince last night was AMAZING!!!!!!! It was at the O2 Millenium Dome which is a great venue. We had good seats looking down on the stage, but wouldn't wanted to have been much higher up - some people were complaining of vertigo! He was fantastic, and played loads of his hits; Purple Rain, Little Red Corvette, When Doves Cry, Sign of the Times, Kiss, Let's Go Crazy, Take Me With you, Nothing Compares to You....the list goes on. Sadly, we left before the end to get a train home. Afterwards there's an aftershow party which you can buy tickets for (2000 people) and he plays for another 2 or 3 hours apparently!

Have had my friend's 6 year old staying with us for a few days. His Mum's just had a baby girl, which I saw on Thurs and Sat. She's lovely and I felt OK, but still didn't want to rush to hold her...feel like I'm a little way off that yet. Another friend had a baby on Friday and she's local so will have to see her this week. Just not quite ready for the whole kabodle yet; does that make sense?! 

Hope everyone has had a good weekend.

xxxx


----------



## Ella*

Well, I had to write as what a sorry state our little board is in, over 10 days with no messages!

hello ladies


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? hello?


----------



## bodia

Hello All,

Ella - Have you moved / exchanged yet?

Rosie - Can you believe we are nearly back at work?!  

Cinders - Hope you are feeling better.
x

Kats - Hope hols were relaxing. Thinking of you.

I had my 2nd scan today and all was well. Feel very blessed and lucky, although mindful it's still really early days.

Thanks as always for your support...means the world to me.

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Where's everyone gone?


----------



## cinders35

Hi Ella,
Been taking a bit of a break. Too much ff! Fertilityfriendoholic!
How are you doing?
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Hello everyone, especially Bodai, Cinders, Rosie, Ella,

Sorry for being quiet for so long. Have had lovely beak and even found some sunshine (in Sweden of all places!). Then getting back to work has been non-stop.

Anyway, I've missed coming here a lot. Been very lonely with all our IVF stuff over the last few weeks, though maybe it's helped just to get a bit of 'closure' (actually, am not sure that's the right word).

But, hey, Bodia, what fantastic news. I am soooooooo happy for you.          . Take good care of yourself and try to enjoy it as much as you can. It's always a great boost to hear a success-story. Cinders, Rosie, Ella, surely we can do it too

Will call in again in next few days.

Lots of love,

Kats


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Kats - glad you had a good holiday and thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Hope everyone is OK. Ella...have you moved yet? Rosie - how's the beginning of term? Cinders - how's DD getting on at school?

I am OK. Desperate for my 12 week scan and days seem to be dragging. Back at work which is keeping me busy busy! 

Take care all,

xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,
Nice to have you back Kats!  

Dd has enjoyed her first full week of school, came out today and the first thing she said was "been kissing boys!" OMG!!!
The playground is a tough place to be, lots of pg ladies, and prams to coo over! Bodia & Rosie, what a tough place to work while going through IF! Hats off to you!

Have had review from last cycle this week. Am considering laparoscopy, as if there is a small amount of endo, and there are bits and pieces stuck down then it may help in ttc naturally. Consultant agreed to do it, but wasn't exactly enthusiastic. Dp said he would support me if I really wanted to have it. But decision is down to me, not sure what to do? Should I stick my neck out and have one?
We are not ready for another IVF cycle. Have been emotionally and physically fairly c**p since last bfn. But when we are ready, consultant said we could try blastocyst transfer, aspirin and heparin. Any opinions/advice welcome!

Glad you are doing ok Bodia. Roll on 12 week scan! 

Love to you all
Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello everyone. 

nice to see you're all doing well. 

xx


----------



## cinders35

How about you Rosie?


----------



## Ella*

Hey Cinders, Kats, Bodia, Rosie  

Swedish sun sounds lovely!

Yes we moved, it's great, it really is. However, I am on treatment now for icsi & am a bit flat   Polyps are back & I'm really worried this whole treatment is a waste of time  . Polyps looked very obvious & in the wrong place ( upper 1/3 of uterus) but apparently we shouldn't make judgments at this stage of cycle, see how the scans go.. Some people do mamange to get pregnant with them. Should I have them removed again first? It's mad isn't it...
The cons reminded me a seed can grow in the crack of a pavement   Think it would prefer a well manured veggie patch though!


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Cinders -   Sounds like your daughter is fitting in very well!!!     to you having to deal with all those bumps and prams. It's not so bad for me as I work at secondary level and also with kids with behaviour probs...but some of them get pg which I find very tough. Got one at the mo actually...15 and pg. AAAARGH!!!!

Ella -   on the move! Sorry to hear about the polyps. Not sure what to advise...have you checked out other FF boards with women in similiar situations?

Rosie - Hope you are OK?

Monday morning so gotta get on with work...see you all later!

xxx


----------



## Kats

Hi all,

Ella, what a difficult thing to have to deal with on top of IVF! You need all the positivity you can get, so  here's a little     How far are you with the cycle? Maybe it would help you to have the polyps taken out before continuing? Then again, you have to follow your clinic's advice and hopefully they're right. It's so awful though not to get a clear answer. Doesn't that just some up the whole IVF experience?

Cinders, sounds like we're feeling pretty similar. Picking yourself up after BFN is the hardest thing. You know that the only thing which will really make you feel better is a BFP. Everything else just feels like pretending. But the laporoscopy sounds like a good idea, especially if there's a chance of conceiving naturally afterwards. Surely this should have been picked up before putting you through IVF? I find it so frustrating how the whole thing is like an experiment and it's only when things have gone wrong several times that some of the important tests are done.

DH and I are now pretty definite that we want some more tests before continuing with IVF. Can't picture putting ourselves through it all again before asking a few more questions. We've made some enquiries at another clinic, since ours doesn't offer much by the way of tests. I am worried about immune issues and sticky blood. Haven't had this from the experts, but reading various articles in the press, it's a definite possibility because of the miscarriage I had three years ago and the failed cycles (this time with a biochemical pregnancy). Our follow-up isn't until November, so we have a bit of time to investigate alternatives.

Just to complicate things, we have been told that we've made it to the top of the NHS waiting list at our clinic. It's brilliant and totally unexpected news, but at the same time confuses me terribly, because I am really not sure I want to go through it all again too soon and before the tests. Also don't know if we have to change clinics altogether.

Anyway, in the meantime I've found myself an acupuncturist (Bodia, hope your succes is a good omen  ), ordered the full whack of vitamin tablets from Zita West for DH and me (I know, it's probably a complete waste of money, but hey, four private cycles later and I think we can afford THAT extra expense). Also now back to complete abstinence and no caffeine. What a lot of hocus pocus, but who knows .... It does make live pretty dull, when you're only fall-back is chocolate (having lots of that). Oh, but on the plus side, getting more active again (you know  ).

Do any of you have any more tips? How can we stay sane and positive

Bodia, I keep thinking of you. Hope you're having all the symptoms and are feeling very, very preggy indeed.

Cheerio,
Kats


----------



## Ella*

Kats, aside from your feelings, very many congrats to getting to top of NHS list!

Polyps look less obvious & are taking less space in proportion to uterus now. We have carried on with treatment to see how scans go. Was really indecisive. However, it hasn't grown ( they often grow with drugs feeding them) which is fab news & now looks so much smaller in comparison to the space. Feel fairly potisive now but no, not the best thing to literally have on board for treatment...


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Ella -   Hope nasty polyps go away all together! But glad to hear they haven't grown. Where in your cycle are you?

Kats - Have sent you a PM. It really winds me up how with IVF everyone is pretty much treated the same and only basic tests are offered. I swear by acupuncture - not necessarily that it made me concieve, but I do believe it made the difference in terms of helping my body / uterus be strong enough to enable an embryo to grow. I also have reflexology (lovely) and homeopathy. I didn't abstain from booze until I started stimms, which made me a lot happier than last time. And, I'm an exercise freak so enjoyed running right up to stimming as well. But who knows?

Have 12 week scan tomorrow so very nervous.

Cinders, Rosie -  

Take care all,

xx


----------



## Ella*

Hi Bodia, 12 weeks already! Have a good scan tomorrow!
I'm in for a follie scan tomorrow. Should have ec around Wednesday, clearer idea tomorrow.. 
I was going to have sedation but the scan yesterday was soooooooooo very uncomfortable/painful near one ovary & they haven't finished growing yet.. :-( getting worried, tell me some stories girls .. I'll have a local after all won't I?


----------



## bodia

Hi Ella,

I had a general for both EC and although I was totally terrified of having it, I'm glad I did as I didn't feel a thing, and felt fine afterwards.
Good luck for the scan today.

xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,

Ella, so glad you are making good progress. I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of having a ga for ec, (I am a nurse, work within theatres!!!! ) so felt like a big baby!!! Pardon the pun! But it was fine, infact I quite enjoyed it!!!! So if it comes to it, don't worry! Good luck.

Bodia, hope scan went well today. You think once you are pg, all worries are over, but it's one hurdle to another!!! You probably just want to fast forward to 28 weeks time!!!

Love to everyone,
Cindersxxxx


----------



## bodia

Many thanks all,

Very relieved to say that we had our scan yesterday; I was terrified! Didn't help myself by fogetting the paperwork and having to drive home to get it!  
However - all was well, thankfully. Very blessed and lucky we are.

Thanks as always for your support and kind thoughts.

Ella -  for EC whatever you decide.

xxxx


----------



## Ella*

Great news re your scan Bodia!!  
Have had e/c, 6 eegs, not too bad, hopefully quality rather than quantity? Now to see what we have tomorrow to see whether ET Fri or try for blasts. Scarey stuff.
I only had pethidine & local in cervix & am pleased I did for my control worries etc but gee whizz.......... it was ow ow owowowowowow! Only just bearable but that's because I was tense too. I hope this won't need doing again!

Kats, Cinders, Rosie


----------



## cinders35

Well done Ella,
Fingers crossed you get some lovely embies.    

Well done Bodia, 
Lovely to get to 12 weeks.  

Love to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

well done ella xx


----------



## bodia

Well done Ella!

I only got 4 eggs, and 3 embies, so am a total believer in quality over quantity. How are they doing? Hope all well. I was disappointed bot to get any blasts, but it didn't matter in the end. Hope you taking it easy and recovering from the EC. Thinking of you.
xx

Hi everyone else.

xx


----------



## Ella*

Thanks ladies! & best to you all too x

From our 6, 5 received icsi, 4 fertilised & that's as much as I know at the mo. Tomorrow morn we hear grades & whether we go in for et. I think we do


----------



## bodia

Hope all's going well Ella. Thinking of you.
xx


----------



## Ella*

As I appraoch FET & poss our last treatment :-( I wondered how my ol buddies from bfn thread were doing! Cinders, Rosie, Bodia, Kats

x


----------



## cinders35

Hi Ella,
Goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway "good luck" for fet. I so hope it works for you, you deserve it.
I am in limbo land, waiting for lap &dye at end of month. Had to insist I wanted it!!! Just want someone to have a look. If there is nothing wrong then great, I will go into next cycle with a clean slate and peace of mind. If there is something wrong, then great, I'll have some answers! It just feels like the right thing to do. We will do one, possibly two more cycles. Not sure when we will start, depends on lap results I guess. 
Can't believe how quickly Bodia's pg is going! An inspiration perhaps for us ladies still stuck in this godforsaken place??!!!!
Haven't seen Rosie or Kats around. Not sure where they're at?   
Hope life is being good to all you guys,
Love Cindersxxxx


----------



## Kats

Hi Ella and Cinders, Rosie, Bodia and any new girls out there,

Yeap, me, I'm still around, still hanging in there and now waiting for our follow-up appointment. It's going to be at the end of November, which is quite a few months after our last attempt, but I needed a break first to start feeling better and shift my thinking. Have found out that we are due for a free go on the NHS. We'll definitely do that, but I don't think there'll be any more cycles, if this one fails. We have started to think about adoption, which feels like a ray of hope after all the failed medical interventions. Until now, I wasn't ready to consider it, but I'm starting to think it's a much better option than just keeping going with IVF for the hell of it. Am also back on super-healthy-maybe-we-can-still-do-this-naturally-type-of diet (well, no alcohol and caffeine, lots of Zita West vitamins, oh, and my secret weapon: chocolate - a girl must have her treats). Yes, we're still hoping for that miracle, even though our chances are so slim. Have decided against more tests. I received the details from Care Nottingham through the post and got too worried about the consequences, if they did find an immune abnormality. I just can't see myself doing any of their recommended 'treatments' (steroids and stuff), so have chickened out of that one.

I have followed Bodia's example and started acupuncture. Can't recommend it highly enough. It's really helped to make my moods more stable and get me out of that post-IVF depression (yes, i really think it was depression and not just a 'low'). For a while, I couldn't think of anything other than IF and was very close to tears most of the time. Acupuncture has really helped me to get some rest and to gain a more positive outlook again. I'm still not keen on those needles, but hey, after all the menopur, it's a breeze.

Ella, hope you're taking good care of yourself. Am sending you lots of    and  Hope your little beanies settle in nicely and before long you get that longed-for  Do stay focused on the positives and let your DP spoil you rotten. You sooooo deserve it. I am thinking about you and keeping everything crossed.

Cinders, hope the lap-results come out okay for you and you can stop worrying about that. Do you have any tips about how to deal with the docs? I have to convince mine that next time round it might be a good idea, if they read my records _before_ ET and remember that the small catheter won't work and that, yes, things are a little curvy down there. It's been so upsetting when they've taken the catherter out a hundred times and moved the embies in and out. I've always worried that they got damaged in the process.

Rosie, every now and then I go back to your post from a while back ('it's just not funny anymore'). It just expresses what I'm feeling so well. How are you, hun. Hope you're keeping strong and hanging on in there. We're still here for you, if you decide to come back for a visit. Though perhaps we should start ourselves a brand new threat with a more positive ring to it? Like: We will survive?

Bodia, how's that gorgeous belly of yours? Growing and showing nicely by now, I hope. I do think of you a lot and am sending you lots of positive vibes. Hope you haven't suffered too much from those wicked first-trimester symptoms. Are you still managing to do exercise? I guess running's now completely out of the question? You doing anything else to keep fit and sane?

Lots of love to all of you. Hopefully hear from you again soon.

Kats


----------



## Ella*

Cinders, that sounds like a brill plan! Win win eh?! All the best for it at end of the month   Not long now!

Kats, oh my goodness, you are writing my message! We are in such a similar place right now what with _super-healthy-maybe-we-can-still-do-this-naturally-type-of diet _ though I've had a little wine  But the attitude to treatment & adoption & so on too... Even though I am so much more positive about it I'm also not completely ready to face such a final closure to our biological children even though we'll have little or no choice anyway, actually my husband is, as you may have seen we are already using donor sperm. Sometimes I still can't believe I am in the position I/we are in. It's unfathomable. Everyone, well not everyone, but many just going on with life & having children & then there's us...

Oh goodness, sorry, didn't think I would start talking down that road 

Anyway, great to hear from you both & yes we should start a positive thread. Mind you bodia got a bfp whilst on this thread


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hello everyone.

just a quick post from me to let you know i still have one eye on the thread and to explain my absence.

i've had a very bad time - my mum died suddenly on the 19th september aged 53. it is possible she died of cot death, effectively (sudden adult death syndrome or SADS) but we are still waiting for the coroners report all these weeks later.

i am beside myself and there is absolutely no way i am going to consider putting myself through fertility treatment for a long time yet. i have had a devastating amount of loss and i can't take any more.

my focus is a tiny yorkshire terrier which i plan to call primrose whose hair i will tie with ribbons. but my husband doesn't want one and doesn't mind reminding me everytime i bring the subject up.

so happiness doesn't exactly live here anymore.

sorry for the bleak update. 

good luck all of you.

love rosie xx


----------



## cinders35

Oh Rosie,
Just when you thought things couldn't get much worse. I am _so very, very_ sorry for your devastating loss.
I am not surprised that you are beside yourself. I can only imagine the bad time you are having.
I know that nothing will ever replace losing your mum, and so suddenly must have been the most horrendous shock. But I hope that when you have had time to grieve, and start to heal, that happiness comes knocking loudly at your door. Finger continually on the doorbell, that sort of thing.  You deserve that Rosie.
Love and hope to you Rosie,
Take very good care, and be kind to yourself 
Cindersxxx
p.s Primrose sounds like a great idea, hope you can talk dh round.


----------



## Ella*

Oh Rosie I just don't know what to say. I can't believe it. Poor poor you   How devastating.  
I so hope your dh can gind his way to wanting a 'Primrose' too.   Maybe he can be persuaded for another cat? Though doubt the bows will work


----------



## rosiebadgirl

ah don't you worry. i shall be getting primrose. 

i don't ever remember putting dh in charge of what i want and get. i'm thirty one and a half years old, i can't have children, i can't find my red leather pumps and i'm an orphan - i more than make that primrose o'clock, don't you?

xx


----------



## Kats

Dear Rosie,

What a terrible, terrible loss. Want to give you a huge   . You are so strong and will get through this, but I can't imagine what a difficult road it is you are having to travel. Please know that there are lots of us here thinking about you and sending you  . But I do hope you also have some good friends around you to give you support and that your DH is there for you completely. Do be greedy and get yourself that little furbaby. He (she?) will adore and treasure you like no bloke on this earth. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.

Take good care of yourself and do stay in touch. I know there's nothing in this world that any of us can do to make things better, but hopefully in time we can bring a smile back to your face and give you back some of the love and support you have given so many of us here.

Sending you lots of love.

A very sad
Kats


----------



## bodia

Hi girls,

Whoa - this thread has made me   cry.

Rosie -   So so sorry and just want to echo what the others have said. Thinking of you and sending love. Praying that there's some happiness (possibly Primrose shaped) around the corner. Always here for you. xx

Ella - Hope FET is going to plan so far. How many lovely frosties do you have? Thinking of you. xx

Cinders - Just sent you a PM to say good luck for the lap & dye. Hope DD is well.
xx

Kats - 
 to you too. It's such a tough situation to be in and life is just not fair! Glad to hear acupuncuture is helping; I found that, exercise and the support of a few people on a certain website absolutley got me through. Good luck for the follow up. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks also all of you for al of your good wishes to me. There's not a day tnhat goes by when I don't appreicate how lucky and blessed I have been. Never would have got through it without you lot though.

I like the idea of a new more positive thread....any thoughts on names?

xxx


----------



## Kats

Hi girls,

We've all been a bit quite again and I just wanted to write and see how you all are.

Ella, have you started TX yet? If so, how far along are you in the cycle? Really hope this will be your lucky one. All that healthy food and no alcohol/caffein should help, shoudn't it (even if it's driving us mildly mad in the meantime). Hope you're looking after No. 1 too. I had a massage yesterday. What bliss! Can thoroughly recommmend it (and it kept me away from the buiscuit tin for a whole hour  ). If only I had more birthdays or hubby was superrich. Would have one every day, honestly.

Cinders, you going strong? How did the lap&dye go? Hope it wasn't (too) painful.

Rosie, you are always in my thoughts  .

Bodia, what's it like in the second-trimester? It's so lovely to hear from you again. The best friends are those who stick around even when they've been lucky. And I really envy your 'real life' friends. Do they know how lucky they are to have you? You'll be such a fantastic mum.

Have had a difficult week. First a lot of travelling and little sleep, which always makes me very teary and emotional. I ended up in a cafe Saturday morning crying my eyes out. Poor DH! Thought I was doing so well, but then we started to talk about the follow-up meeting (tomorrow) and how we were both treading it. I really can't stand the thought of going back to the clinic. Do you girls have the same feeling after a number of failed TXs? Just going up there now gives me the jitters.

On Wednesday I had a chat with a very kind lady from our local adoption agency. She adviced us to go for the free NHS attempt and to get back in touch with her a couple of months later, if it has failed again. Thankfully she did not make it sound as if we'd have to wait forever, but it still made me a bit sad that the process involves so much waiting. I feel like I've done nothing else for the last five (well, actually nearly 6) years now. But I'm also not over the fact that we may not have our own children. It's only by thinking about adoption more seriously that I'm admitting to myself what that means. And I know those children would need our complete love and not the 'second best' attitude which I'm still having to deal with. I just feel so sorry for ourselves sometimes that it's all so bl....y difficult.

To make things worse, my mum told me last night that my dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer after having an operation to remove a massive lump. She's told me not to panic and I know this is one of the more treatable and slow-growing cancers, but am finding it hard not to worry. We've had a string of serious illnesses over the last few years in my family and I just want some time to breath in and assume that everything's alright. Getting into this age bracket where you have to constantly worry about losing the people closest to you is so hard. As if FF wasn't enough to cope with  

Here's a big hug for all of you    

Take care,
Kats


----------



## rosiebadgirl

oh kats,

i second that, i really do. the bit about age brackets equalling loss. personally i am completely floored by it and now, as a result can't help but anticipate and imagine the loss of the next person then the next person then the next and so on. i know now that this level of loss top trumps all other losses i have ever had to endure. not even the power of greyskull can see me through this one.

to now read that your dad has a cancer is heartsinking news to say the least. i don't want anyone ever to feel the way i do, but what i am facing up to is the dreadful inevitability that we all will someday. 

but kats, have faith in the non-aggressive nature of prostrate cancer and the treatability of it. do some research on it for yourself and feel empowered by knowing what's what. sometimes it is the vast empty void in our knowledge that accelarates our worries and anxieties. knowledge is power, remember. also, knowing more about it will help you feel more connected to your dad during his illness. your strength and positivity will help grow strength and positivity in both your mum and dad. but don't be afraid to feel lost and wracked with doubt and worry. your parents will have moments like that too, even if they don't show them. you should try to be open with each other about what you know and what you've heard, what you think and what you feel. it will bring you closer and make you less afraid.

i wish you and your mum every bit of strength and positivity, kats, and i wish your dad every bit of good health to last him long into the future.

thinking of you and your family,

your friend,

rosie xx


----------



## Ella*

Kats, oh poor you   ( & your Dad  ) I understand the breathing analogy. 
Rosie's post is such an eloquent one there is no way I can find better words. & Rosie    has a greater empathy of understanding understandably  

Oh ladies.... there will be sunshine!  

On a different note... Grief I  have had the most flamin painful toothache this week. Really had to push for an emergency appointment & promise I was in agony for 2 concecutive nights & days! Turns out a small cavity on the back upper molar but a flamin infection under the root of my lower molar. I cannot tell you how bad the pain was bar I broke my hand a few weeks back & that didn't even come close and the pain subsided within a day! I can't believe I have to wait till early Jan for treatment ( tho have antibiotics for now) Thankfully the antibiotics will be finished & flushing from my system come transfer & the xrays are done in case I can't have one for 9 months ( I pray!) but the filling would need to be a white one which is ok. Why don't dentists work w/e's & later hours when the level of pain you suffer ( tho not life threatening I know) can be unbearable. You don't allow anyone suffer that pain if you can help it in other circumstances. 

Phew, long one there!


----------



## Piggy25

Morning Girls,

Well i'm afraid its a BFN for us this morning, AF arrived early hours of this morning  To say were heartbroken is a massive understatement and unfortunately i'm at work feeling miserable dealing with stroppy people and so close to just walking out after they screwed me over on my wages! I was prepared for a negative after yesterday so hasn't come as a massive shock, just feel very frustrated at throwing away £6k! (ICSI + PESA + drugs + tests + unpaid time off!) let alone the emotional side of it...

I will phone the clinic at 9 to let them know and hopefully try again at the end of Jan (after 2 AF's) I'm off to apply for another loan...wish me luck!  

Love Clo xxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Clo -   So sory to hear your news. Sounds like work isn't helping at all either. Thinking of you and sending love and strength.

Kats - So sorry to hear about your Dad. I think Rosie's given you some good advice about keeping informed so you can find the best way to support him. Isn't it tough getting to our age and having to face the reality of losing loved ones. My Dad's 75, and my Mum's nearly 70, so it's something I think about a lot at the moment. 
On another note; if you ever want a chat about adoption (I was adopted as a baby and had a v positive experience) then please feel free. Can understand you are not ready to take that route just yet. Usually the Social Workers will say you can start the process as soon as you feel ready, so try not to worry about the wait just yet!

Rosie - Hope you are also hanging in there. It's been such a tough year for you....hope you are planning a lovely new year to kiss goodbye to it! Any news on Primrose? I have to take my beloved cats to the vets tonight and know I will be a nervous wreck!  

Cinders - How did the Lap & Dye go? Hope you recovering and hope it leads to some answers at last.

Ella - Sorry to hear about your tooth trouble; sounds awful!

All well with me. Had my scan on Monday - was very very anxious so I was incredibly relieved to see that all seems to be well. Thanks as always for your thoughts and support.

Take care all,

xxx


----------



## Piggy25

Hi Bodia,

Thank you   belated congratulations on being PG! I hope me and the rest of the girls on here will be as lucky as you one day!

Love Clo xxx


----------



## Kats

Hi girls,

Thank you all so much for your kind words and Rosie, for your sound advice. I will definitely do some reading. Have done this for almost everything that's happened up to now and found it really does help. Have also had a nice long chat with my dad. He always tries to put a brave face on everything, but apparently the cancer has been caught very early stages and can be treated without another massive OP, so that's a relief. I actually think this and his bypass operation a year ago have brought my mum and dad closer together, so there's the silver lining. They really do seem to be embrazing life at the moment.

Clo, so sorry to hear about your bfn   It's so unfair. What a shame you can't just take a bit more time off work to look after yourself. It's bad enough having to deal with this as it is, never mind getting grief from colleagues. I know you feel miserable having had to spend all that money for no result, but maybe you can get yourself just a little treat? When you get so focused on tx, you often don't feel like you can think about yourself, but you have to take good care of no. 1. Hope you also have a good friend looking after you. You know, the one who doesn't tell you any nonesense like 'it'll be alright', and who will be there for you with the hugs, the tissues, the chocolates and the chickflicks  . With the weekend coming up, maybe lock yourself away with DP and spend lots of time together doing something you both like. Big hug   .

Ella, those b....y toothaches! It's ridiculous you can't be treated now. Since when has toothache been something you just have to put up with?! Hopefully those antibiotics work and you can come off them in time for EC/ET. I had terrible pain when my wisdom teeth decided to push through. Tons of nurofen didn't help one bit. What a relief it was to have them removed. I had always dreaded that, but in the end I would have done anything to lose them.

Rosie, I love the new photo. How's Primrose and have you done anything about the terriers? Is DP getting used to the idea? He's probably just jealous 'cause you're bound to spend a lot more time cuddling them than him. Those puppies will adore you, so he'll really have to up the ante quite a bit to compete. Expect flowers and chocolates on a daily basis  

Bodia, it's so wonderful to hear that all is well with you and your little one. Can you already feel the baby moving? Hope you are growing into a nice, big fat lady now  . What's maternity fashion like these days? I hear pink and green are all the vogue   It'll be great to have a chat about adoption sometime. A couple of my friends have been adopted, which is one of the reasons why I'm really starting to come round to the idea. But the social worker was also right to tell us to wait until we're really ready. At the moment, it would just mess up my mind to think about another cycle of tx and about adoption. When we do come to adopt, I want to be 100% ready and able to give it my all. Anything else is just not fair on those kids.

We had our follow-up at the clinic this Tuesday and, although I struggled with the tears, in the end I felt quite relieved. The consultant seemed very open and honest with us. We talked more about all the 'ifs' and 'buts' then the last few times, but she also asked us to be realistic, because our chances are certainly not going up. I think it's actually better to be told that and be prepared than to have your hopes raised and then come crashing down again. We'll have another cycle in February/March, which should also fit in with work so I can take a bit of time off. At least this one's paid for by the NHS. Do feel like we've earnt it.

Right, time to get to work.

Have a lovely weekend all of you,

Kats


----------



## Ella*

Oh Clo  , it's an absolute swine isn't it. The treatment is so draining & coming away after the emotional turmoil is absolutely awful but separately the financial loss is sickening. It's not much help saying try to look forward is it? So much hinges on each treatment no matter what situation you are in. The weight of the treatment is truly heavy. We cannot see how after this treatment we would have anymore but are trying not to think about that just now. 

Tooth- I had the b###er out in the end! I suffered continuous pain, was unbearable, wanted to rip it out myself! Finally got another emergency appointment & went for the extraction. My gawd, it's gruesome but to think I am on the other side now is one heck of a relief. How to fill the gap? LOL ( was a back molar so not so unsightly but could do with it for chewing 

Kats, Cinders, Rosie, Bodia


----------



## rosiebadgirl

how to fill the gap?

a small white pebble fixed (at best) with denture-grip or (at worst) chewing gum.

just think, you'll be the star of the show at christmas with all those nuts you suddenly find so easy to crack.


----------



## bodia

Just popping on to say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!!!

Hope 2008 is a happier year for everyone.

Thanks as always for all your support and friendship; it has meant the world to me this past year.

xx


----------



## cinders35

Cheers Bodia!
Hope you are keeping well?
Happy New Year to all!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Happy new year everyone!


----------



## Kats

And happy new year from me. 2008 will be our year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bodia, so glad to see your little one is keeping strong. What's is like bumping into things  

Ella, do you have a date for your next tx? I'm cycling again from end of Jan. Bit too early for my liking, but it's the NHS freebie and we needed to use it up before April.

Am trying to stay upbeat and not think 'baby, baby, baby' all the time. Doing lots more exercise again (which tx will ruin, but never mind), and focusing on the good things in life as well as trying not to get too freaked by work. We have the plumber in at the moments and he's wrecking our lovely house. Am just hoping we'll be able to put everything back together again afterwards. We won't have any heat from Monday, so please keep your fingers crossed for a mild week.

Very best to all of you,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

Hi ladies,
Hope you are all keeping well. I can echo your words Kats, 2008 will be the one!!!
Have had follow up after lap&dye, and we feel ready to have another go, and climb back on board the ivf rollercoaster! 
We are hoping to start after next af, which would mean we start d/r mid feb, so here goes again!!!!  
See you aboard!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Kats - no heating!!!!? What a nightmare!!! Hope you're coping OK. 
I always found exercise helps focus the mind....what kind are you doing?
When are you starting tx?

Cinders - Am assuming lap & dye went OK? Looks like you two might be cycle buddies.  

I am fine, thanks for your good wishes. I have a bump, but not too massive yet! Am trying to get organised so we have started buying stuff. Had a 4d scan last week which was great, and tomorrow I have an NHS growth scan so fingers crossed that it's not an elephant in there!  

Can't believe this horrid weather! Roll on spring / summer!

Hi to everyone else, hope you are all OK?

xxx


----------



## x shye x

Oh hunni hugs your way  ................    

Dont give up babes your be a mummie life is so unfair at times, when life is good to us its good but when life is bad it can be bad and unfair and leave us thinkin awful      

TAKECARE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
shye


----------



## Kats

Hi all,

Cinders, sounds like we'll nearly be cycling together. Keeping everything crossed for you. Hope it's a smooth ride for you this time and all goes extremely well. Looking forward to some good news  

Bodia, am so pleased everything is well with you. It gives me a lot of hope. Keep hugging that bump (have you started using any of those miracle creams yet?). As for exercise, I'm doing a bit of everything really, but mainly running and walking. Am really not very athletic, but I do enjoy it. Hubby and I are trying to get out for long walks every weekend now, and not having any heating is a great incentive for getting out of the house. Spent last w'end in the lakes - lovely. I feel so blessed to live near all these beautiful places: yorkshire dales, pennines, lakes, ... House is a complete mess at the moment and I do wonder how on earth we'll put it all back together again, but at least we should have a completely modern heating system by the end of it (which should be next week, all going to plan). Of course, the more builders etc. you have in your house, the more they find wrong with it ... Anyway, we still love our place and don't feel that much more needs doing to it (except completely redecorating, of course).

Welcome to this thread, Shye. Where are you at with tx?

Cheers,
Kats


----------



## Monkey9

HI Everybody, 

I'm new to this thread but I needed a bit of a release away from my DH.  Iam due my official test tomorrow but I a first response this morning and it was a BFN I feel the dreaded AF is on its way and I am mortified.  I feel like I just want leave work and fly away somewhere with my hubby.  I'm devastated and don't know how to pull together.  This is my first IVF.


----------



## saphy75

sending you big   hun, it does get easier in time but for now you need to grieve

pam xx


----------



## cinders35

Monkey9,
So sorry you are having to go through this. It's awful, we understand  .
We will try and help you through  .

Hi to everyone else  ,
Lap & dye was revealing Bodia! See profile. At least I have some answers.
Good to know you are doing so well, hope you are enjoying it!  
All being well we will be D/r from 8th feb, how about you Kats?
Love to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Wow Cinders!!! Answers and a half!!! Hope you are OK and not feeling too confused by it all.....and hope that now you have some answers your next cycle will be tailored to meet your needs so to speak. My b'day is Feb 7th, so you start cycling the day after....will be thinking of you and sending  .

Monkey 9 -   so so sorry to read your news. I started this thread a year ago today when I got my first BFN from IVF after 6 IUI's. I will never forget how I felt at that time, and I'll never take for granted where I am now. Hang in there...you'll get loads of support on here from people who understand. Thinking of you.
xx

Hi to everyone else.

xx


----------



## Monkey9

Thanks so much Saphy, Cinders and Bodia.  It really means alot.  I'm still waiting for the dreaded AF (I don't know what that actually stands for!).  Care Manchester told me to do another test tomorrow morning.  I know it sounds disgusting the only sign that I have it dark brown stringy blood (about once a day) and a greyish colouring whn I wipe my bottom.  This is about 4 times a day.  I wish it would just come soon as it prolongs the agony and then start thinking what if it was too soon to test.  You are all right and time is a healer and I am managing to hold it together a bit better.  I think me and DH will go off on hols for a week to see what we shall do next.  We are still on the NHS waiting list but we were told 18 months - 2yrs from last June 07.

Has anyone got any advice would you start it all over again or wait for a bit.

A big congrats Bodia how the bump is happy and healthy xx

I don't know how to put my history in little pink writing so here goes:
TTC for 4 years, DH has low quality sperm (morphology and motility) but has since improved considerably for some reason.  I put him on zinc and magnesium tablets.  I have no history of anything wrong.  First IVF in Jan 08 - BFN


----------



## cinders35

Hi Monkey9,   wel done you are being very strong. 

Af is aunt flo!! There are abbreviations around somewhere, perhaps someone else knows where?

But I can help you re the pink writing!! If you look towards the top of the page, there are some black boxes, one of them is 'profile' click on to that and you can fill in whatever parts of it you like.

We are booked in for consenting for next cycle, start d/r feb 9th!   Only 5 days later than we started are 1st cycle last year  . 

Love to all

Cindersxxx


----------



## tom+jerry

Monkey

Lots of big      Its devastating and cruel when you get a BFN.

Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment.    but you will get lots of support on here.

I felt as if someone had ripped out my heart and stamped on it when I got a BFN on 1 Jan.  As others have said take the time to grieve.  

Re when start again wait till you feel emotionally strong again

Take care
x


----------



## bethan jane

Been looking for a while which site to start posting on.  Think this is the best one for me at the mo.  Got BFN again on 30th December.  This was our second full IVF.  We've aslo had two FETs so this was our 4th BFN.  It's devastating.  I'm seeing cons next week.  Looking forward to moving on but I think we need to have a little break from tx.  I cry at the drop of a hat  .  Counselling has been really helpful.  I know that withoiut it I wouldn't be at work.

Just off to have a swim with DH.  I'll be back on here again soon to catch up a bit more.

Take care and big hugs to all   

Bethan xxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

 Welcome Bethan....so sorry to hear about your BFN.   Glad to hear though you are taking some time to grieve and look after yourself. I had 6 IUI's and 1 IVF and found the BFN after the IVF just blew me apart. It wasn't so much the immediate few days, it was the time afterwards when friends didn't know what to say so stopped saying anything at all, and people around me were getting pg and expecting me to be thrilled for them. I buried myself in exercise and work, and that helped, (along with a fab DH! ) Eventually felt ready to move on to the next cycle when I knew I was emotionally strong enough.

T & J - Also sorry to hear about your BFN.  

Cinders - Not long now. You are starting 2 days after my 35th b'day! Hope it's a good sign!? 

Monkey - 2 years sounds like a long wait...where are you based? It's such a postcode lottery what you get. Take every day as it comes and treat yourself like a princess. xx

Rosie / Ella / Kats - Hope you are OK. Thinking of you all.

Had busy weekend; parents and brother were visiting. 

Take care all

xx


----------



## Monkey9

Hi Everyone,

Well AF arrived good and proper, very heavy, very red and very painful.  We are booked to see the consultant on the 8th so I wan't to ask if this is norma

Cinders - I looked in thr profile bit, for the pink writing is it in added comments section?  Oh my god 9th Feb not long now, id downregging the long protocol.  I did the short one and it was all over from start to finish by 1 month.

T+J - Thanks for your support, it really helps me to talk to you guys.  How are you feeling now is it still too raw?

Bethan - I'm so sorry to hear that your result was a BFN.  I know how you feel about crying at the drop of a hat.  I have already cried at work once to my MD and the other time to the owner of the company.  So much so they have agreed to reduce my days worked from 5 to 3.  I am also off to Lanzarote for a week in 2 weeks time.  Me and DH need time to get away and enjoy being with each other.

Bodia - I live in Bolton I started my investigations with the NHS last February and by the time I got the results (and it took 3 months for a registrar to sign my paperwork)  I wasn't put on the list until June/July.  They told me it would be 2 years from then and I would only have one chance.  I finally blew a fuse in November and decided to go private and it all happened so quickly.  Hows the pg?

Well,  I don't think I will try I again for a bit both for emotional and financial reasons and wait to see how I feel on a month by month basis. 

Speak soon and everyone take care
xxxxxxx


----------



## bethan jane

thanks girls for you're responces and making me feel so very welcome on this thread.  It's def the one I want to be a part of at the mo cos of feeling so touchy.

I hope you're all ok,

take very good care of yourselves,

love Bethan xxx


----------



## bodia

Hi Monkey,

To get the pink writing you go to "forum profile info" or something like that and write away!
Sorry to hear you've got a long wait. In Brighton I got 6 IUI's (which were a waste of time  ) and 1 NHS IVF (didn't have to wait too long for that so was very lucky. That didn't work for me, so I went private and was blessed to get my precious BFP. It sounds like having some time out's a good plan though and especially a holiday with DH. What will the weather be like there now?

Bethan - Glad you feel at home here.   to you.


Hi to everyone else. Roll on the weekend!!!!!!


xx


----------



## Monkey9

Hi everybody,

I can't believe it but my name is at the top of the NHS waiting list it has gone from 2 years to 6 months.

Yeah!!!!!!!!!


----------



## bethan jane

DH and I saw our cons on Wednesday night.  He's agreed to doing a hysteroscopy (awaiting date) to check if my womb is healthy or not.  We've also had bllods taken for karyotyping (Chromosones/genetics).  We won't be having our FET for a while.  We need to get results back from hysteroscopy and we're also thinking of doing natural killer cell test.  I tjhink FET will be at least May.  Unfortunately my endometriosis has got a lot worse due to IVF drugs.  Cons said I may have to address this before next fresh go as I may not respond well to drugs  .  This waiting really is the heardest bit.  

Hope all is ok with you all,

Bethan xxx


----------



## Ella*

Hi Monkey & bethan. You've found a lovely thread here.  
Hi Bodia, Cinders, Kat & Rosie,   sending my best to you all. Cinders, how refreshing to have answers! Here's hoping for next cycle that you're downregging for! I am not nearing end of stims so if you get your ass in gear hopefully we can be bfp buddies!!! xx


----------



## kizzymouse

Hi Bodia, dunno if you remember me from IUI boards!

Just noticed how far along youare hunny - massive congratulations!!! Your baby will soon be here how exciting, well done honey you deserve it - you went thru a lot b4!


----------



## cinders35

Hey girls!

Ella, didn't know my ass was involved in treatment, perhaps that's where I've been going wrong?!   But have told it to get in gear now, there was me thinking it was my ovaries that had all the hard work to do!! Will shaking my booty help?!  
                         


Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Hi Girls,

Sorry, have been lying quiet for a while - mainly due to too much stress at work, arghhhh.

I started downregging 2 weeks ago and am already getting the big headaches plus emotional ups and downs. This really will be our last try, I think. Can't take all the upheaval any more, so in a way, no matter what the outcome, I'll just be relieved to have it all behind me. I know that sounds too negative and I have been known to change my mind, but right now it's exactly how I feel. In a way, it's made me more positive, like I've crossed some bridge that I couldn't see before and the other side seems okay, like I now know I'll be able to survive. But then doing IVF again makes your mind go crazy. I know I'll be just as upset, if not more, as before if it fails again.

Have seen so many girls on here who've gone on after attempt no. 5, and I really admire them, but I don't know where they get their stamina from. This is just sooooo exhausting. And I'm dreading having to go to the clinic for my scan on Friday. Just seeing the building now gives me the shivers.

I'll be more positive again next time, promise, but it helps to get this off my chest for now.

Hope you girls are hanging on in there. It's a tough bl....y road and none of us know where it'll lead. Let's take courage from Bodia and the fact that it can work and when it does, it'll have been worth the effort  

Cinders, you're nearly starting downrigging - good luck and keep spirits up (as well as bums).

Lol,
Kats


----------



## Ella*

lmao cinders, that'll do the trick I am sure!  
Kat, wishing you the very best!   

my e/c is friday & I am dreading it. You may remember the how I feel about anaesthetics so it's just pethidine for me ( & gas & air). It was excrutiating last time so really worried but needs must & all that. It WILL be worth it!   So much thought/emotion going round my head about treatment somedays and other days I feel like I am just going through the motions. Crikey ladies, it's all so flamin mad


----------



## cinders35

Hey girls,

Have started the d/r, hormones have me in a  !!!
Nasty af here, so I guess that is good!
Hang on tight ladies, we're in for a bumpy ride!!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Holding on cinders! Welcome back to d/r!
I have had e/t today so 2 little uns on board, praying like I'v enever prayed before!


----------



## rosiebadgirl

bloody hell.

good luck, ella xxx


----------



## cinders35

Well done Ella!!!

Praying for you too!!!!!    

What sort of 2ww you opting for? R&R, carry on as normal, hols like Rosie did, what are other options?!

Rosiebadgirl, we miss you! I hope you are ok? Did you get a puppy in the end?

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Rosie, we do miss you  , how are you chuck?
You know I said I was going through the motions earlier in my cycle. I want to add that ( typically) that changed just after e/c, I was suddenly excited. This is the one I tell you! Lots of positive vibes  I'm doing a 3 days of nothing ( just read & study) & the remaining days of 2ww being v careful doing little. How are you feeling Cinders? 
Kats, have you started stims?  
Bodia, ghoing awol is not an option   Get back here!


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

Sorry not been on for a while...was mad busy at work but am on glorious half term now!!!

Kats -   Hope the nasty headaches have gone and that you are spoiling yourself rotten or doing something which will help you to cope. Thinking of you and sending every possible good vibe.    

Ella - Will say a prayer for you! Look after those little ones. I rested completley for 3 days after ET and then started doing a few things and getting out a bit to stop myself going   crazy!   to you too!

Cinders - Have you started d/r? Hope it's going well if you have.

Kizzymouse -   Good to see you and thanks for your good wishes.

Rosie -   How are you? Like the others have said...we all miss you on here. Hope life is on the up. Thinking of you. xx

I have some good news.....Baby's been breech since about 28 weeks so I was beginning to resign myself to having a C-section. Went for a scan today and despite being totally convinced the baby was still breech (3x midwives opinions and I thought I could feel the head,) she's head down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must've been her bony **** I was feeling!!!!!   So am dead pleased and hoping she will just sit tight now so that I can go to the birthing centre where I'd like to go.

I love half term! Off to Nottingham tomorrow for MIL's birthday. That'll be interesting sober!

Take care all,

xxx


----------



## Kats

Ella, have just read the news at the bottom of your messages. My heart goes out to you. How awful     You are probably taking some time out to cope with it all, but if you are reading this, we're all here for you and thinking of you. What a rollercoaster. And things were going so well. Stay strong, Ella, and look after no. 1.

Cinders, how's it all going for you? Have you started stimming? How are those hormones?

Bodia, my word, time flies! Not long now and you'll be a mummy to the most gorgeous little girl in the world. Am so glad that you don't have to do a C-section. Sounds like you're still at work. How's that going?

I've found work really tough the last few weeks, but am trying to take a bit of time out now for tx. Had EC yesterday and it's all gone well so far. I had 17 follies, of which they got 12 eggs yesterday and 10 of them had fertilised this morning. I know it's not a numbers game but that's a lot better than the last two times. Fingers crossed. I'll have to go to work on Thursday, but otherwise will stay at home for a few days, trying to follow Zita West's advice, which has done me good so far. Am also still getting acupuncture, which might well have had something to do with the no. of eggs. Hormones have not been as bad as usual (despite my message a couple of weeks ago).

Here's hoping that I won't go mad over the next two weeks.

Lol,
Kats


----------



## bodia

Hi All,

Ella -   So sorry to read your news. Thinking of you and DH.

Kats - That's a fantastic amount of eggs. I have acupuncture and swear by it. I also followed advise to take it easy for 3 days post transfer. And just look after yourself generally. Thinking of you.

Cinders - How's it going?

Rosie - Hope all well with you.

Still at work....am working until March 20th!!!! So ready to finish...

xxx


----------



## Kats

Bodia, you really are a fighter. One of my colleagues (who's been lovely about my IF, thanksfully) is pregnant and has suffered her way through the last few weeks. I really felt for her. Not great when your that stage, is it. But wow, you've only got till Easter and your off. And only 33 days to go to the due date, yippee    

ET today went well. We had two beautiful grade 1s put pack. I'm pver the moon, but still a complete nervous wreck. Went back for some acu this afternoon. She's told me to come back if I get morning sickness. Well, here's hoping     We don;t have any frosties, but that's always been the case and with this being the best result we've had so far, I'm really not complaining. Have even followed DH's advice and cancelled my work-meetings tomorrow, so can be nice and chilled for the next few days.

Cinders, hope you're doing well.

Ella, thinking about you and hopeing that you're staying strong. Be very, very kind with yourself.  

Lol to all,
Kathrin


----------



## cinders35

Hi all,

Ella    . So sorry.

Kats     .

Bodia not long now  .    

Am stimming. Going ok. Trying to be really positive!

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

hugs, ella.

really, really big hugs.

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Thank you  
Best of luck Kat   & for your stims too cinders  
Rosie & Bodia  

I just don't know what to say anymore. I go through stages of despair & deep upset to anger. Then everything is normal again for a while. I am set to auto pilot to have FET ( not sure when) which I don't know how I can build up hope & positiveness yet again. How can we keep doing it? Not having treatment, I mean keeping the dream alive?


----------



## Kats

Ella, my heart goes out to you. It's devastating and I've got no good advice for you whatsoever. But I do know, I think, what you're going through and I know you'll come through, not without a lot of bruises mind, but you will and there will be moments of hope again, despite all the sadness that fills your heart at the moment. You have had a BFP. Hold onto that. It shows that it can happen and I strongly believe it will for you. There has to, if there's any justice in this world.

Thinking about you and wishing you lots of strength to get you through this.

Lol,
Kats


----------



## Ands42

hi girls
hope its ok for me to come onto this thread, I've been posting on the 2ww one, but as AF has arrived, thought I'd seek solace here 
AF arrived on day 9 after ET, on mother's day... how sad & unfortunate! I spent most of Sunday in tears, they stopped for a while on Monday, but came back with a vengeance yest. Had to get out of the house as i was obsessed with doing research on the internet.
My poor team at the hospital will be driven mad when I go for my consult.

DH is being all sensible, he's offshore and phoned last night, and spoke about the rates of success they gave us, how do men manage to stay so focused on all that when we feel our world has fallen apart

Went to bed last night with a magazine, and there were 3 articles in it on pregnancy   why does that happen

I've been off work for 3 weeks, and go back on Monday, don't feel like facing it, but I kno it will stop me thinking all the time...
Went into town for a bit yest afternoon but people just annoyed me!!

Thank goodness for my    and    maybe I'll survive the weekend before they lock me in a padded cell and throw away the key...

We're gonna try again, but I hate how I feel just now. My sis in law who is 11 years younger is trying just now, and I'm so anxious... I'll be so so over the moon for them, but at the same time I keep thinking how will I cope.

So sorry this is such a moanie post, don't know where I'd be without this site...

Luv &    to us all

Ands
xx


----------



## carole

Ands


----------



## cinders35

So sorry to hear of your bfn Ands.

Nothing I say will make you feel any better, but know that you are not alone, and that we understand how pants you are feeling right now.
I think men might be able to keep more perspective because they haven't been through the physical treatment, the hormones raging, the watching for signs, the frantic knicker checking!!
But it's good to have someone anchored, and able to reassure us I think. But I'm sure he is gutted too.
Think you are right, work may end up being a positive thing.
Don't apologyse for being moanie, if you can't moan here where else?!

   to you.

Have you got plan b,c or whatever?! Or is it too soon for that?

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Oh, Ands, I am so sad for you. All of us on this thread can sympathise with you. We know how you feel. It's pants. There's nothing in the world that will console you. It's not just knowing that (yet another) round of fertility treatment hasn't worked but also all the years of waiting and hoping and being disappointed rolled into it. It can feel like your whole whole world comes crashing down when AF arrives after IVF. That's one less hope, one step closer to a future which we just cannot allow ourselves to picture.

My DH and I are on our fifth round of IVF/ICSI and I still tread getting to that point and haven't been able to think of much else since ET. We'll probably call it quids after this one, so it feels like a lot is at stake. But Cinders is right, having a plan B (and C and D, ...) can really help. It won't make you any less devastated, but it will give you something else to focus on, something that YOU have chosen and something YOU can do. Maybe that's having time to look after yourself and making sure your body recovers before giving it another go. Maybe it's having more tests. Maybe it's looking into adoption. Or maybe it's planning that once in a life-time holiday? I always thought that none of this would make me feel any better, but over time I've learnt how important it is to have something in your life that you embrace and that makes it worth getting up for in the morning. It's so easy with IF to see your life as empty and going nowehere. The only thing you can do about that is to keep reminding yourself of all the things you do have. For me, that's included forgiving my 'failing' body and taking better care of it. When I think about it, it's amazing how much it has put up with over the last few years without complaining.

It'll probably take a while for your DH to show you just how difficult this is for him. He's not there physically to support you right now and must be feeling awful for it. I'm sure he cares about you deeply and he really is trying his best to be your rock and to reassure you. My DH has been absolutely shattered for the last few days, and that's without having to do any of the medical treatments. It DOES get to them, though they rarely admit it. I've always wanted mine to go to counselling with me, but not a chance. Not coping, him?!?!?! Nooooooooo  

Those women's mags are silly too. The numbers of times that I've bought one because I was looking for some reassurance and something to take my mind off things and it's been full of happy, smiley pregnant women and celeb X, who's onto her fifth. Oh, and the trials of motherhood. Yeah, sure, it must be hard for them  

I don't think our non-FF friends realise just how much we're surrounded by fertility. It really isn't something you can escape. There's the pg colleagues at work, your gloating friend/sister/sister in law/cousin, the questioning aunt/granny/stranger (other women can be so hard on us!), the pg woman in front of you in the shop, the TV shows, cinema films and magazines, poetry, books, supermarket aisles with baby products, adverts, and even the calendar in my local gym, so even when I'm doing my stretches on the mat, I have to look at a pregnant belly!!! Last week, I had to take a flight for work and was sat next to women with babies both on the way out and back. Talk about bad luck! Oh, and then of course I've forgotten our own minds, because if I'm honest, IF is constantly somewhere there, nagging away, asking questions that I'd much rather forget.

Ands, I'm sorry, you got me off to a rant, but maybe some of it sounds familiar and will make you feel less alone? Keep close to your nearest and dearest. Let them take good care of you and be very, very kind to yourself. You deserve a medal for going through all of this. Always keep in mind what you're doing it for. It says so much about the wonderful woman you are.

Lol,
Kats


----------



## Ella*

Kats, all crossed       
 thanks so much for your kind words too 

Cinders, how are those stims? You must due e/c soon?  

Ands  

Rosie & Bodia


----------



## cinders35

Hey all,

Hoping you are all well on this wet and windy day today?!

Had EC today, got 10 eggs. Waiting for the call tomorrow to see how many fert, and hoping to go to blast.
Got everything crossed,
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kitty_Kate

Hi - I tested negative two days ago, but still no AF or pains or anything?? 
Does anybody have any idea what's happening to my body, or why?

And when am I gonna feel like telling my family?
And why does the test two days ago feel like so long ago?
And why does DH keep changing his mind about what we're gonna do next?
And why me?

YAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

At least I haven't started on the   - I just know it would make me miserable!!!!


----------



## cinders35

Hi Katie,
Sorry you got a bfn hun  . Our bodies can cruelly taunt us sometimes!!! I presume you have been on something like progesterone for the 2ww? This can hold off af, I'm not sure how long for. But give your clinic a ring to check.
Not sure you ever feel ready to break this kinda news hun, for me it was a case of get it over with! But my family don't even know about this cycle!
You both (you and DH) need some time to get over this, it might take a while to process it and work out what next. I always work it out quite quickly and have to wait for DP to catch up, then let him think it's all his idea!  

Try and treat yourselves to something you both enjoy, 
Take good care of each other  
Big  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## tom+jerry

Katie

Just wanted to send you some .  

Its so hard to deal with and Tx certainly messes with your emotions bigtime     .

On a positive note maybe once you've had your review meeting with your clinic you and DH will have a better idea of what you want to do next as your clinic will be able to tell you how your last tx went etc.

Who says you have to tell your family.  I only told a few close friends and family and no-one else.  However think next tx will just keep it to ourselves that way less pressure (know its daft),

Hey at least you've got the support and understanding of the ladies on this fab site.

Take care 

xxxxx


----------



## Kitty_Kate

At London Hospital, you have your review at the same time as they consult about your blood test.
here's how it went:

Dr Patrick: Eet's negateeve again.
DH: Oh. And no period.
Dr Patrick: Eet's negateeve.
DH: Oh well. Is there anything else?
Dr Patrick: No, eet's negateeve.

Note, he won't speak to me when my husband is present, and I've heard that off other girls too. 
Gotta love hardcore muslem males, they give the religion bad vibes.

That was it, this time. I thought Patrick might ask why I left the hospital after two hours, having paid for three days, but he wasn't actually interested. And I wasn't going to complain since the nurses were afraid of him shouting at them. Again.

So - I'm off to another clinic next time.
Hopefully somewhere that doesn't make my blood boil just by having only one nurse to cover two wards, one of which is the mother and baby ward!!! So much for "Private" Health Care!

YYAAARGHHH I'm still mad I think.


----------



## tom+jerry

Krazy Katie

That's awful. I would defo complain at the end of the day your paying good dosh for this. I dont know how the private sector works but would you not be entitled to a refund on the time not used that you paid for.

I'm a great believer in if you dont complain then its gives impression that everything was ok and you were happy with the server.

Surely they must have ratio guidelines as well.

Good luck with your future tx 
x


----------



## Ella*

Crikey Katie, that's barely excusable on the nhs but private  . I would def complain & def move! I have been treated so well by my clinic, I'm astounded! It's awful when treatment is in a hospital & coincides with maternity  . Some of my initial diagnosis were carried out at hospital alongside preg ladies    
Good luck!


----------



## Kats

Katie, I can't believe how you've been treated. Bl....y hell   How on earth do these people end up in IF treatment? There should be an alien-or-human test before they are allowed to come anywhere near us!!! Thankfully I have not had anything like this at my clinic (in Newcastle, which will just be a bit far for you, won't it  ). I've been upset a couple of times, but compared to you that all seems quite trivial. I really think you should change clinics.

Cinders, congrats on all those lovely eggs. How did ET go and are you keeping sane during the 2ww? Am keeping everything crossed for you, hun    

Ands and Ella,   Hope you are keeping strong.

Me, I'm definitely going loopy now. Mad as a hatter  . No AF yet, but I keep feeling like it's about to start. I have my test on Monday. Technically that's only two days to go, but it seems like a lifetime. So far, I've always had AF arrive before test date, so you can see why I'm a nervous wreck. I HATE this stage. It always feels like such a final verdict on you, your life, your future. If I could stop thinking about it like that, I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard, but even with our plan B, now that we've got this far I can't think of any alternatives. Gotta keep hoping. 

Lol,
Kats


----------



## Ella*

Kats, that sounds great to be so close now!!!    
Cinders how are you doing?


----------



## cinders35

Oh Kats,

   that you make it to test day, and get a lovely bfp!! But yes, it is by far the worst part of treatment!! Well done on getting this far, everything crossed for you!    

Hey Ella, I am fine thankyou. Had ET today, 2 made it to blasts and are tucked up in my uterus, which is apparently long and thin unlike the rest of me!!  


Katy   clinic. From the sounds of it you are better off out of there!

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Kats, very very best of luck for tomorrow!  

Cinders, many congrats for those two gorgeous blasts!


----------



## cinders35

Kat's,

Hope you are still ok and have made it to test day. Very, very best of luck for testing    .

Thank's Ella  

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

Getting worried now  
Hope you ok sweety.
Love and    
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

OMG, Kats, I just read your message on another thread ( above) wow wow wow!!! Many congrats    

C'mon, tell us all the hints and tips that you think cracked it for this go


----------



## Kats

Cinders, Ella, Ands, Bodia, Rosie, Ands, Tom&Jerry, Katie and everybody else on this threat  

You won't believe this (I can't), but: it's POSITIVE. Test yesterday came back with a lovely, totally unepected BFP. I am not quite with it at the moment. Sooo happy, but can't believe it's true and am cautious not to get overexcited. Also feeling soooo exhausted. Have done one good thing today though and cancelled the next work trips I had planned, yippeee. It meant telling my boss, which I didn;t want to do, but he's been very understanding (he has five kids!), gave me a hug and said he'd sort it out. Phhhhh. So now all I have to do is get off that cloud, sleep loads and try not to get worked up about other job-related stuff (I get stressed too easily).

Cinders, am sending you lots and lots and lots of positive vibes          
May those two lovelies settle in nicely and give you one huge, happy surprise in a few days time. Thinking about you.

Lots of love to you all,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

I'm so glad I logged on to check,

Oh Kats     in a god way obviously!!!!

I am so very very very excited for you Kats.
I will pray that they stay snuggly, you must be as you say, in complete shock!!!
After all those tries, Absolutely fan-flippin-tastic!!!!!
       
Enjoy it, and do me a favour and go round saying out loud 'I'm pregnant.'
You deserve it, I couldn't be happier 

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Thank you, Cinders. I think you're right. It actually is a bit of a shock, when it does happen. DH was with me when I called the clinic and broke out in tears. The man NEVER cries!

It is all still very surreal and being such early days, you only allow yourself to celebrate a bit.

I am sure that acupuncture made the difference for us, plus perhaps the Zita West vitamins and lifestyle advice. I just wish I had taken heed earlier. I had more or less completely given up hope and only went for this cycle because I got the chance to have it on the NHS. Phhhhhh. 

Cinders, I'm keeing everything crossed for you        Be extra-kind to yourself and let DH spoil you rotten. When is your test date?

Ella, Ands, Katie, Rosie, Tom and Jerry   

Kats


----------



## Ella*

Bodia, did you too take Zita West's vitamins? I think you might have? It might be something I'll try. I'm pro all of this, just felt my diet is good, mostly organic, healthy, though sometimes a bit too much choc! & I take pregnancare supplement so haven't been swayed as of yet but if the two of you have taken them.... Besides, almost anything is worth a shot! Did you take the dha too? Or use regular suoermarket omega 3's? I'm a veggie and until now used flax seed ones so I wonder. 

I noted too in your signature Kats ( & vaguely recalled it :-( ) that you too had a chem preg before this successful one!!! It gives me a focus as I aim to follow in your path!

Cinders, all crossed!!


----------



## Kats

Ella, I feel really hesitant to advise on anything given how long it's taken me to get here and that it's still VERY early days. But I did do a few things differently this time and one or other may have helped. I cut cafeeine and alcohol out completely for a few months, even before the cycle started, and DH did the same. We both took the full wammy of Zita West's vitamins and DHA (don't ask about my bank balance!). I also went to acupuncture for about five months. Although friends usually tell me off for getting too stressed about work, I think I did cut down a bit or at least changed my mental attitude, so I didn't get as stressed about stuff (e.g. it's helped me to remember that most of the problems I have to deal with on a daily basis are OTHER people's and not my own). It also helped to relax me that we finally had crossed that bridge and enquired about adoption as a possible route to having a family. I had started to feel much more positive about this and I think it helped me to feel more positive generally. That said, I would have been a complete wreck again, if this cycle had failed, and I'm still extremely anxious, because I've had a miscarriage before.

It sounds like you are doing loads already, though, and probably don't need any of these tips. All those wise books tell you that no supplement can replace a decent diet, so spending more on vitamins is probably less important than keeping going with your already mega-healthy eating plan.

Are you about to start FET? If so, I really hope this is the one for you. Sending you lots and lots of       . Pleeeeeeaaaaaaase let it be your turn this time. Big  

Cinders, how's the 2ww treating you? Getting bored with day-time TV yet?  

Lol,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

Hi all,

Kats have got back to pretty much normal very quickly this time, and so haven't done the whole lying in front of tv thing! I figured if it didn't work twice before, there's no point! 
The 2ww is going much quicker as a result of that and the fact that ET was 5 days not 2.
I am having af type felings yesterday and today though  .  According to previous 2 cycles, it is day 13 post ec that I start spotting. That would be Sunday, so would be major hurdle to get past that. We'll see.

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## Ands42

Hi Girls

Been awol for a while, just been trying to get on with normal life...
Kats, congrats huni, you look after yourself and your precious cargo  

I'm a bit wiped out tonight, a mate from work has just text me to tell me he's gonna be a dad. Its the first pregnancy since my BFN and I didn't expect to have the melt down that I did.... Now I'm all worried about how I'll cope as my friend and sis in law are both trying... and I'm obviously so much closer to them....

I've been busy thinking about next time, ordered my Zita West vitamins, and ordered some fertility crystals & a fertility angel... she's on my bedside table, waiting patiently to weave her magic when my DH comes home from offshore 

Hope everyone is gonna eat lots of chocolate this weekend, Happy Easter & happy egg hunting to you all

Love
Ands
xxx


----------



## Ella*

Best of luck for sunday *cinders*!!   
*Ands*, welcome back, hope you are feeling a bit better. It's awful isn't it because we don't really want to get on with normal life, we want to get on with a pg life  
Kats, it's just so mega  
*Bodia & Rosie* 
Thanks Kats for your run down 
I used to have acupuncure to balance my cycles & it did work. I am very pro it & have used it for a number of other things in the past, however, I was actually a bit worried about having it whilst going through treatment which may seem odd. I might try it again, not sure as liked the acupuncurist I had before ( great reputation) who is too far from me now. If there was an obvious problem like lining or egg quality I think I def would try again. On the other hand I am desperate so should try anything! 
I will def try the Zita vitamins as nothing to lose there & maybe the dha also. Yeah, not the cheapest vitamins  but heck, on top of everything else that needs paying for they're a drop in the ocean


----------



## Kats

Ands,   It's the hardest thing to be told a friend is pg. You want to be happy for them, but it just reminds you of what you've gone through and how unfair it all is. Don't give up hope, hunnie.

Cinders, Sunday has come and gone and I'm     that it went well for you. Would soooooo love to hear good news from you. Thinking about you and keeping everything crossed.

Ellas, you're right, the cost of those vitamins nearly pales into insignificance compared with IVF. One thing I forgot to mention last time was that on this cycle, we insisted that they should use the right catheter for ET straight away (last four were all with the softer one that didn't work and embies had to be transferred backwards and forwards, which I'm sure didn't do them any good). I'm usually crap at being assertive, but am glad I was this time. As for acupuncture, I had always assumed that my egg quality was fine, but the number of eggs had declined with each cycle and this time went up radically, plus we got two grade 1 embies, which I have never had before, so I'm much more convinced now that, even though the main problem is with DH, there's a lot more that I can do to improve our chances. Then again, I know so much of this is down to luck.

Hope you are all enjoying Easter, having snowball fights and eating your way through copious amounts of chocolate  

Kats


----------



## Ands42

Hi Ladies

Thanks you so much for your kind words about me not coping with a friend's pregnancy.... Having had the weekend to chill, I feel better now, and just keep thinking about next time. I did allow myself to get a bit tipsy this weekend, mind you with abstinence these last few months it really doesn't take much these days!!

I have a question and sorry if i sound thick!! I'm really fairly switched on most of the time 
I've been reading about vitamins & DHA, I'm waiting on my Zita West vitamins, but presume the DHA is the Omega 3 that I've been taking? 

Sometimes wish I didn't have access to the net, I seem to be obsessed about researching Fertility.....

Hope you all had a nice easter weekend in the snow... If you have some, we have plenty up here in bonnie Scotland!! and ate lots of eggs.... I'm a freak, not really a chocolate lover so I just ate pancakes...

Luv
Ands
xxx


----------



## amyclare

I had a BFN this morning too.  It was my 2nd stimulated IUI cycle, I've had 5 natural IUI's all neg.  Am having a consultation on thurs 27th, to discuss IVF.  Feel very emotionally drained and have spent all day alone cus DP has had to work.  We have decided to have a break for a couple of months as we both feel like we've been in a 'ttc bubble' and I need a beak from the drugs cus they turned me into a very horrible unstable person!!!! Role on the return of my sanity as the progesterone wears off!!!!  Waiting for AF, part of me still thinks that maybe just maybe the test was wrong cus i havnt bled yet, but the rational part of me knows that its just the meds......I'm so glad i've found this site I no longer feel so crazy.  Good luck to all out there ttc, I truely believe that it will happen - good people deserve good things to happen.


----------



## Kats

Amyclare, you only deserve the best and good things DO happen. You're doing so much to make them happen
   Don't give up hope and keep following that dream, because it's all worth it. You may be worried about IVF, but after so many cycles of IUI and having to cope with all that disappointment, IVF may feel like quite a relief. It has worked for so many ladies on here who've tried IUI first. I've only just had my first BFP after 5 IVF cycles. We were very close to giving up completely, but all I can say now is that I feel like the pain and suffering has been worth it. It's still very early days for us and I'm extremely nervous, but even so the feeling is amazing and yes, it has been worthwhile keeping going against the odds. Wishing you lots of strength. You can be so proud of who you are    

Ands, I'm just as confused about DHA as you, but think they're essential fatty acids, which include Omega3. Not sure though. Know what you mean about the internet and too much information.

We've had some pretty impressive snow here in North Yorkshire, but it hasn't stayed. That said, the village kids managed to build one huge family of snowmen yesterday before it got too warm. That was a lovely sight and really cheered me up.

Righto, back to eating chocolate eggs,
Kats


----------



## Ands42

Hello again ladies

Well meltdown number 2 for me, sis in law just announced she's 10 weeks pregnant.... so close to my failed cycle, feel really sad & sorry for myself....

Not sure wot to do with myself yet, how do we get thru these dark days, no one else seems to care....

I've not really eaten today, stomach in a knot, sobbed into my mum's arms....

Clearly I'm really happy for them, but sad for us!!!


AGH!!!

Luv Ands
xx


----------



## cinders35

And's,

I'm so sorry about SIL's news. As you say good for them, but unbearably sad for yourself. I have felt that feeling too many times. All I can say is don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do, because your pain is real. You know full well that anyone else having a baby doesn't actually make any difference to whether you will have one, but at times like this it makes no odds! It still hurts like hell.
You are a not alone in your feelings, and we have all been there. I am holding your hand, through cyber space, and giving you a  .
In time you will get used to the news, and the pain might fade a bit. 
I always find it easier once the baby is born, it seems to be the bump that bothers me most.
Anyway, who knows, maybe you will have your own bump by then!
I hope so    

Love, hope and  

Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Cinders, now the suspense is killing ME. How are you doing and will you have your test soon? Hoping Sunday came and went without anything happening in the spotting department. I am soooooo keeping everything crossed for you it's a miracle I can still use my fingers to type this. 

           

Please make this one the one for you,

Kats


----------



## Ands42

Morning Cinders

Thank you for you nice message, I'm better today. Going to meet her for lunch next week, need to get it over with!! Not spoken with mum in law yet, not sure how she'll be with me, but think she's just giving me space....

My DH was astounded at my ,melt down, we had a good long chat, and whilst we're gonna try again, we're gonna relax about things for a couple of months and just enjoy life. Going off to Dubai in Oct for my cousins wedding and we move house in the summer so lots to look forward to.
So how are you?? when is your test date? hope you get a nice juicy BFP babe  

Thanks again
Love
Ands
xxx


----------



## cinders35

I feel a bit funny announcing this on negative board. But hope that you will understand that we have come full circle, and our bfn's are starting to turn into bfp's! (Not for all of us though YET  ) So maybe this will end up being a lucky thread in the end, and after the horror that is bfn, we will all get bfp's?! Good plan?
Hope this doesn't hurt anyone too much, but Girls...bfp!!!!!!
Please stay sticky, please stay sticky!!!
Love Cindersxxx

Sorry for the suspense Kats. If you really want to bore yourself, you can check out my diary!! Link in my profile


----------



## carole

Congratulations cinders, from a lurker !  

Fantastic to hear good news - gives everyone hope

Enjoy the next eight months



love from carole
xxx


----------



## Ella*

Cinders, that's such great news. Really really pleased for you & your dh x


C'mon, like Kats, what was different this time management wise? I know you've told us everything but I need a summary 

I've been for follow up & as I may have told you there is a chance of nhs ivf for us  that we have fet on hold for now & see _IF_ nhs comes through & how long it might be. I have another appointment this week to find out about the referral process starting and if it will go through straightforwardly ( same clinic too etc) My pma is beginning to build, I will take zita vitamins & prob dha this time too.


----------



## cinders35

Hey girls.
Thankyou!

Ella, have thought lots about why it has worked this time.
These are the things that were different-

Had endo treated nov during lap & dye.
PMA because finally has some answers as to reason for IF, & so believed in my body this time.
Different drug regime. (see diary)
Same pre natal vits, but added some omega 3 oils.
Blastocyst transfer as opposed to day 2.

If I think of anything else I'll let you know. Good girl on the PMA, behind you all the way!

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Cinders, wooooooowwwwww. I am so happy for you           That's made my day, it really has. Wish I'd got on here and checked sooner! Lots of sticky vibes for you and take it nice and easy for the next eight months. Not sure about you, but I get very easily tired at the moment, so can't actually do anything but take things a bit slower. Am still very anxious though. Can we hold virtual hands to get through the first few weeks? Will you have an early scan?

Ella, it MUST be YOUR TURN next         C'mon NHS, hurry up to give this lady her much-deserved break. It seems so cruel that they're letting you and your babies wait. Makes me very, very angry    

Ands, hope you're doing okay  

Carole,   hope you'll drop in more often.

Lol,
Kats


----------



## EllieGP

Hi

I know how you are feeling, I got my BFN on 6 March, 2nd IVF. OMG it's soul destroying. 

Big Hugs to you lady....we need them!!!

Remember you have FF to turn to.

xx


----------



## cinders35

How y'all doing?  
I have had a little scare, see profile. But am back on with the PMA, praying and hoping too!!!  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

You guy's need to check out Bodia!  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Cinders, thinking of you, scares are awful but am sure all will be well. Keep us posted & tc x.
Off to check out Bodia's news!


----------



## cinders35

Thank's Ella,
Have been manically searching for some positive feedback from my scan, as they saw a sac but no bubba, whilst it _could_ be still too early, most people seem to have something to see by then. The boards have only added to my despair, I should stop looking. It won't change the outcome, but it's just so hard.
Am worried I will have a blighted ovum, I think this is when there is a sac still growing, still have pg symptoms, but there is no bubba /
Am so worried .
Feel beside myself that it's going to be taken away .
Don't think I can do this again, but don't want to face what that means... 
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Oh Cinders, I wish I knew what to say. Keep strong, petal, and I will     that all is well for your little one. Can you get another scan quite soon? You need to know that all is well.    

This whole IF thing is such an awful, bl...y rollercoaster. Feels like it never ends.

Thus far, everything's okay my end, but I am still so scared. These first 13 weeks are mad. How on earth can you get through them and not go  completely ?

Cinders, I am sending you all my love. Here's a lucky wish for you     

Lots and lots of PMA,

Kats


----------



## Ella*

Oh Cinders, how so very very scary. I can't begin to imagine      
How/when will you get more info/scan?
I don't know what to say or suggest but know my thoughts are with you


----------



## cinders35

Thank's guys.
You are very kind, I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Did you check Bodia out? Good huh?
Kat's, keep us up to date hun.
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ands42

Hi again girls....

Well its happened... meltdown number 3, one of my close friends has just announced her pregnancy, knew I'd hear of a third one.... again I'm thrilled for her, but fed up being a crying snotty emotional wreck!!!

I can't bring myself to speak to anyone, except on here, thank goodness for this site!

I pried myself in being strong, but there's only so much you can take eh!!!

Sorry for the rant, 
Luv & hugs
Ands
xxx


----------



## Ella*

Ands, I am just fed up of endless pregnancies. It's not that the world should stop whilst we go through this...

Cinders, how are you & how is it going?


----------



## cinders35

Hey guys,

Am so worried still, lots of people on the boards at the mo with the same problem. Doesn't look good for me, and I don't want to face it  

I totally know where you are coming from Ands, your feelings and emotions take over, there is no such thing as control. Each and every announcement it hurts just a little bit more!  

Love to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Cinders, I have just read your last diary entry and am so, so sad for you     There can be no greater cruelty and injustice than this.

Thinking about you at this very sad time. Please take extra-care of yourself and DP. Am sending you a guardian angel to look after you.



Lots of love,
Kats


----------



## cinders35

Thank's Kats,
Hope everything is ok with you?
You so deserve this to go well Kat's and I would still like to know how it's going.  
Have you had a scan? How are your symptoms? 
How many weeks are you now?
Don't feel bad about posting it, you've waited long enough  .
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ands42

Hi Cinders

I am so so sorry to hear your news honey, I read your diary and it broke my heart. Words fail me at a time like this, I just want you to know you're in my thoughts & prayers.
Look after yourself and DP    

Lots of hugs  & love
Ands
xxx


----------



## cinders35

Thank's Ands,
I appreciate it  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Kats

Cinders, thank you for telling me you'd still like to know how things are going for me. I really didn't feel like it was the right thing to do, but am very grateful to know you are still here to listen. I know how much strength that takes after all you've been through, so please just let me know, if I'm suddenly turning into one of those annoying pg friends and I will shut up.

I had my first scan a couple of weeks ago, which went well, showing one embie at the right length and lovely heart beat. I still seem to have a fibroid, but it's not impacting at the moment. My symptoms have been up and down for the last few weeks. I have felt really queasy on and off, but thankfully no bouts of real sickness yet. I just feel constantly a bit 'funny'. Oh, and I've ballooned out of all proportion. So much for the first trimester not showing and people not being able to tell!!! Though I guess at the moment they just think I've suddenly grown really, really fat and am letting myself go. I always gain weight through IVF and this time it seeems to have not only stayed on but quadrupled. Had to go and buy myself some new trousers, because it was getting embarrassing having to open and close the top buttons constantly.  Boobs seem to be still tender, though sometimes I don't feel anything. The one thing I definitely do have is tiredness. It really is overwhelming and pretty impossible to ignore. Usually starts about two to three in the afternoon, so am having shorter days than usual and trying to organise my work to make sure I get the most important stuff done in the morning. I had a couple of very stressful weeks at work at the end of March, but then got myself signed off for two weeks for the first time ever and it's been the best thing I could have done. Really feel much less anxious now, though I constantly worry whether I'm still pg or not. I'm getting to the end of week 9 now, so hopefully me and DP can soon relax a bit. Trouble is that when I fell pg naturally four years ago, I miscarried in week 11, so I know things can still go wrong quite late. At the moment, I feel like I'm just not able to be as happy as I'd like to be. I know that sounds stupid and a few weeks ago I would have given everything just for the glimmer of hope that falling pg brings. But right now all I feel is that it's yet another awfully long wait. Good news is that DH and I will have been together for 15 years on 8th May and by then we really should be able to celebrate.  

Ella, Ands and Cinders, thank you so much for being here for me even now. You really are wonderful friends and I just wish I had that magic wand to give us all the miracle we deserve   

Cinders, please give your DD a big hug from me. Hope she brings you a little bit of joy at this difficult time, even though she doen't know.

Ands, always give yourself a bit of time to mourn when a friend tells you they're pg. It's completely normal to feel sad as well as happy for them. It IS unfair and you'd have to be superhuman not to be at least a little bit taken aback. My cousin (same age as me) has had three children by now and one of my two younger brothers had a baby-son three years ago. Even though I love those kids to bits, they always remind me of what I haven't got, and that's very, very hard.

Lots of love to you all,

Kats


----------



## cinders35

I am having a really bad day, but do you know what I have smiled for the first time whilst reading your post Kats! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. If anyone deserves a healthy pg then it's you, and I am so pleased that so far things seem to be going well.
I will keep everything crossed that you reach that much longed for 12 weeks unscathed!
   Kats.
I do have dd to keep me grounded, and she is a very huggy girl, so she will enjoy that hug from you! I know how lucky I am to have her, I just wish I didn't feel so bad about her being an only child.  
Lot's of Love Kats,
keep us posted  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Ands42

Hi Kats
Just read your message its so lovely to hear you're getting all the typical pregnancy signs. My friend who has just told me she's pg is 8 weeks, she wasn't going to tell til her 12th week but she's like you and very bloated and said I would know as soon as I looked at her!! She had a mc a year ago, and I've been with her every step of the way, and she too is very wary, and can't wait to get past the first 12 weeks, so I totally understand what you're saying.

My DH has been great and still thinks we can do it naturally, he was told he has 4 times the average sperm count.... he's very proud of his soldiers!! I have 1 blocked tube, so we do have a chance, but went thru IVF cos of my age, yet a friend who's a GP is very positive with me. Can't help but wonder why the tx failed tho. I have my follow up on Wed, and have lots of questions.

I have my fertility angel on my bedside, and sleep with my crystals under my pillow.... the things we do eh?

Look after yourself huni, and keep us posted with all your news.

Love & hugs
Ands
xx


----------



## Ella*

Oh Cinders,     how absolutely awful to have gine through what you have. Oh poor poor you & your dh  . This is so ridiculously hard  
Kats,   we're all behind you, pushing you forward to your 12 weeks & beyond! I can understand the stress though never been in the position. I realise bfp is only the start as with cinders  . 
 
Hi Ands, Bodia, Rosie & all x


----------



## bodia

Hi Girls,

So so sorry for being such a slacker and not being on for so long. Have been thinking of you all lots and lots.

Cinders -   I know there's nothing I can say. Thinking of you, DP and DD. Sending love and strength to you all. Am here if you ever need a friend. xxxx

Kats - Big congrats! Hope the pg is happy and healthy. Thinking of you also.

Ella - How are you?

Rosie - Any sign of you? Hope you are well.

Ands - Hello! Good to meet you. 

Rexie Joy Statham was born on Sat 29th March. She is an angel and we thank god for blessing us with her every day. This board really has been a record of our journey, and I know I wouldn't have got to this point without you lot. The support, friendships and laughs I have had on this board kept me going when I felt isolated, angry, hurtm desperate, despair...etc. Thank you all so much.

Finding internet time very limited at the mo, but please know I am thinking of all of you and will still be popping on when I get the chance to see how you are all doing.

Lots of love and a million thank yous to you all,


xxxx


----------



## Kats

Bodia - How lovely to hear from you. We are all completely over the moon for you on this thread. Cinders had kept an eye out for you and told us your fantastic news. Many, many, many congratulations. Enjoy this prescious time with your darling daughter. Hope the tiredness isn't too overwhelming. It would be lovely to hear from you every now and then. You give us all so much hope.

Cinders - I have just read the last of your diary entries and am inconsolable for you     You probably need a bit of time away from FF to heal and to concentrate on other things in your life, but please know that we are here for you when you need us. You are such a brave soul for writing about your journey in such an honest and moving way. Reading about your dd telling people at school made me cry. It must be so hard to know how to explain things to her. You write about the cruelty of giving everything you have to becoming pg and yet still not getting there. I have been in that very same place so many times. Before this cycle, facing up to the possibility of all those attempts and all that money spent without anything to show for, other than the couple of extra pounds that I have gained with each cycle, was terrifying. I don't recall feeling so empty at any other time in my life. But please, Cinders, don't give up. You got so very close with this cycle. It shows that the miracle can happen. I really hope that you can hang on to the amazing feeling of those first pg days and that this gives you the strength to carry on. Thinking about you  

Ands - Wow, what a sperm count! What's the trick? My poor dp's are only about 1/3 of what they should be and nothing we've tried seems to make any blinking difference (like no alcohol, lots of sex, multi-vitamins, ...)  Thankfully, it hasn't affected his mojo 

Ella - Have you had any news about the NHS funding and/or your FET?

Rosie - Long time no hear. How are you, petal?

Still doing okay my end. I have an appointment with the consultant at my local hospital this Wednesday, followed by a nuchal fold scan on the 12th and a normal 'booking' scan on the 14th. I really don't know what to expect from the meeting with the consultant, but apparently I will get a little bit of extra-care because of the IFV, previous m/c and fibroid. That's mildly reassuring. Am still so nervous and wish I could just have a little peek inside every now and then. Reading pg books is no good, because you just don't know whether that's really how things are working out for you. And they don't ever seem to agree on the measurements and dates  .

Lol,
Kats


----------



## Ella*

Kats, Cinders  , Rosie, Bodia, Ands, you all  
Yes, Kats, nhs is through!!! they are just waiting for paperwork to be finalised before all systems go. I can't believe it & am so lucky! I also want to brag that I have lost a stone!!! I can't believe I am nearly look like the old me! Another help towards treatment I hope but clinic weren't ever bothered as my bmi was ok, just a little overweight but still, worth doing I reckon & kept me focussed whilst waiting.


----------



## cinders35

Fantastic Ella!!!
You must be so excited!!! This WILL be THE ONE. PMA all the way now hun!!!
Kats, hope you are getting big and fat hun   Let us know how you are doing.
I am ok, plodding on, just trying to get through each day without too much wobbling!!! Not sure where we go from here, spending quite a lot of time thinking about that... 
Hope you getting some sleep Bodia!  
Not sure if you still read Rosie, but wishing you well  .
Hey Ands, how are things going for you?

Lot's of love,
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

How are you girls? Especially you Cinders?


----------



## cinders35

Hi Ella,
How are you now hun?  

I am doing ok thank's. Getting there, counselling has helped tremendously. Am throwing myself into cleaning out cupboards, and decorating, as have let the house slide a bit. Head was too full of other things! It's a lovely feeling to open my bureau and not have everything fall out at me!!  

Kat's,
How are you hun? Hope everything is going well?    

Love to everyone else, would love to know how you all are?

Cindersxxx


----------



## rosiebadgirl

ella! cinders! kats! bodia! carole! minxy! everyone!

guess who's back!

it's _me_.

remember me?

you're old mate, rosie?

i've come back and hey, i'm sorry i've been away for so long, girls. i've missed you, y'know.

and rightly so, as penance for being away so long, i am now going to plough through the pages and pages i've missed on this thread to see what's been happening. then i'll be checking out your profiles to see how you've all been doing. expect personal messages from me over the coming weeks ok.

so anyway then, prior to catching up (because it's going to take a while, i suspect) i just wanted to say hello to you all and tell you that you've all been in my thoughts and that i hope each and every one of you is ok.

believe it or not, i have actually missed being in touch and have often wondered how each of my old ff friends have been getting on. i hope to read some good news when i read through your old posts. experience, however, tells me it won't be good news all the way though and for those of you who've had it tough, in advance i already feel sorry. hugs to you, if you need them.

anyway, it's nice to be back. really nice.

i hope you still have room for me, bearing in mind i now come with TWO doglets in tow! (yes, jimmy buckled under the sustained pressure and i now have florencie, my 7 month old yorkshire terrier (she is my _actual_ hairy baby) and my newest addition, billy, my 9 week old jack russell puppy (despite the spelling of her name, she is a little girl. a sister for florencie. but she's a right little bruiser and billy with a 'y' is exactly the right name for her).

so i am at last a mummy and i don't care what anyone says.

those doggles are the light of my life. i don't know how i managed without them.

well, i look forward to catching up with you all but, until then, much love and many hugs,

rosie xxx


----------



## carole

So lovely to see you back Rosie


----------



## cinders35

Welcome home Rosie!!
Look forward to reading your oh so amusing and eloquent posts! 
Of course there's plenty of room left, we were saving your place all along  .
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Welcome back Rosie! & welcome to florencie & billy with a y!

It's not all doom & gloom, though it's not exactly fun for Cinders, or myself for that matter but Cinders wins the sympathy vote hands down     . Kats & Bodia have set the standard & we are darn well going to get there! 

Cinders, really glad counselling helped.   A tidy house is a tidy mind they say! Hmm, where's my duster?

Kats, Bodia & Ands  
Carole, I don't think we've 'met' but hello!


----------



## Ella*

*bump*

Where is everyone?
I guess no cycle buddy for September.
Cinders, Kat, Bodia, Rosie, Ands x


----------



## Kizzy161

Hello,

Do you mind if I join you?

Just had my second failed tx and feeling sad and angry with the world, and to add insult to injury have AF pains from hell, not wanting to bleat on about it with cycle buddies 'cos it's just not fair on them when they're all in or approaching 2WWs.
I'm not quite ready to hit the 'moving on' board yet, but I'm wondering why I'm even thinking of putting myself and my DH through this again.
A bit about my tx history: Both cycles had zero fertilisation with IVF, this time we had ICSI as well as IVF and had 3 embies transferred two weeks ago.  
It's been really helpful to go through the thread and read about the rest of you who have gone through similar and great to see that some of you have managed to get those elusive BFPs.  

Karen


----------



## Ella*

Karen  
Zero fertilisation, what an absolutely awful thing to go through! It's so much to go through isn't it. I think bar dealing with the bfn which of course is the worst, it's gathering positive thoughts for the next go I find hardest. Last go I really got there mentally and yet.... I am building to positives again, a lot has changed for this go, it will be the one! 

It is a good board/thread isn't it, so much success now even though unfortunately there are also others inc me still fighting this inf! We have much hope though! 
Welcome


----------



## cinders35

Hi Karen,

Big  . Sorry to hear about your failed cycle. It must be so hard to pick yourself up after that.   But if there's one thing I've learnt from ff, is that us women are the most resilient people on the planet! We seem to get knocked down, and we keep getting up, and coming back for more. This maternal instinct thing must be really strong for us to put ourselves through so much!
I hope you get to ask lot's of questions at your review appointment, so that when you are ready, you can try again, and overcome these problems.
You are so very welcome here Karen, but we have a history of going a bit quiet for a while!!! Keep hounding us if you need us though hun, and     for the future.

Thank's for your pm's Ella, have replied to you now  .

Bodia, hope your little girl doing ok   .

Rosie, you awol again hun?  

Kat's, you too hun? Hope all is well with you    .

Anyone else I've missed,        .

Love

Cindersxxx


----------



## bodia

hi all,

just a v quick hello to say am still lurking and thinking of you all! glad to hear about your lovvely fur babes, Rosie! One of my beloved cats went missing more than 5 weeks ago and i am devastated! his bro is also beside himself... 

Ella, have sent that cd. the 1st bit's for when you are on the drugs, the last bits post implantation. really reaally good luck.

cinders, how's summer hols going...

hi karen, lovely board this. kept me going through many a dark night.

Hi Kats, hope all well.

Rexie's doing fab. Have 3rd lots of jabs today so already bit anxious about that! She's no shrinking violet and always lets us know when she is not happy!

Take care all,

xxx


----------



## Ella*

Thanks bodia! Really appreciated! 
So very sorry to hear about your cat. I've been there and it's so awful


----------



## cinders35

Helo ladies,

Hey Kizzy,
Sorry to hear of your bfn. Zero fertilisation must feel like a double blow. I hope you are gathering strength now, and that you have lots of questions for your review appointment so that you can get together a plan of action.    

Hi Rose,
So sorry about your bfn  . Welcome. It must be even harder going through it alone, so hat's off to you. 
I am by no means an expert but your grades sound wonderful! Does your clinic grade 1 - 4 with 1 being the best? If that's so, then you got a great crop of good quality embies there. My clinic freezes grade 2 and above, perhaps different clinics have different protocols?
I'm not sure about immune testing, I have no experience of it. Perhaps put a post on the immunology board?

In the mean time,you both need to take good care of yourselves, be kind to yourselves and give yourselves a break...you deserve it  .

This can be a quiet board, we are supportive, but are prone to long periods of quiet times! If that turns out to be so, try peer support as well.

Ella, thank's for your pm's  .

Bodia, glad Rexi doing well, but sorry to hear about your pussy cat. They are such a worry aren't they  .

Rosie, you still out there?

Kat's, hope all is well with you? How much longer?

Love

Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

*Karen & Rose*, I hope through this awful time you are beginning to feel better 
*Bodia*, I hope there's some news about your cat  
*Cinders, Kats, Ands * 

Still not much news here . I am so flippin fed up, I am so thrilled to be awarded NHS treatment this next go, absolutely mega! I know how lucky i am to have that but grief it's been complicated. What with losing my July appt as the whole thing had gone through the wrong way and it took months for the system to figure that out, then to the panel and approved, yay!  GP says we can tell clinic & get booked in. We are top of waiting list week after next & failing that early Sep appt. However, the paperwork still hasn't gone through from the pct so the account if you like isn't activated. So, when I ring next week, if I have got a place on the treatment list I can't have it. Worse, if the paperwork still isn't through shortly I may lose September as the clinic are busy & can't hold places for someone without the funding in place. Why is everything a flamin hurdle. I am trying so hard to be up beat about this treatment and yet ... I rang clinic each week to see if the paperwork was through and now they have told me that they'll ring me, translates, 'stop calling us'. I'm now just left in limbo and can't even ring PCT as it isn't the PCT proper that mine has been channelled through. Bizarre I know.
Ah, that's better, I think, just needed a moan! There's nowhere to moan, I feel this has all gone on for far too long that I can't burden the few people that know in my day to day life.


----------



## heavenlyharry

Hi

May I join you?

I had my HCG bloods done today confirming a  .

Feeling really down at the moment, with loads of thoughts running through my head. Why didnt it work? Did I do something wrong? What a waste of time. Im sure there the same thoughts most people have after a failed cycle.

I could do with hearing from someone who has been through this and how they managed the first few weeks.

x


----------



## Ella*

Hi Harry,
Welcome to our lovely but slow thread! I cannot think what to say. A bfn is just so darn awful that there isn't really anything we can do or say   . One foot infront of the other I think how we got through. People say we're strong but it's not like we have a choice  is it?  I get really cross alongside the despair and found this thread invaluable to be able to just speak my feelings  and know that the other ladies knew. I hope you feel brighter soon    . 

Ella


----------



## Ella*

I think the new ladies took us at our word for being a slow thread . We are indeed slow but we are supportive . That aside, if any of you ladies read this, I hope you are feeling a bit better  . The only reason we are a slow thread is that more than half/most of 'us' are successful now. Not me yet, but I darn well will be this cycle!  None of us are presently in a recent bfn position, we just kept the thread running after each joining the thread after a bfn 

Anyway, *Cinders*!! How fab is your sig eh?  How happy are we for you?? 

*Kats, Bodia * ( I start the cd soon!!) , *Ands, Rosie*


----------



## jen83

may i join you  

Had my bfn yesterday on a fet (medicated) i am gutted as i really thought this time it had worked sadly i m/c in may and we have 1 nhs tx left really not sure when to start again and what i may do different this time? 
   to everyone this bfn marlarky is so pants   

jen83


----------



## cinders35

Sorry to hear about your bfn Jen, it's total pant's isn't it?! But I think after a cycle of IVF it is wise to take some time out, give yourselves some TLC and remember how good you are together as a couple. IVF is just so all consuming, and you need to remember how good life can be without it for a while. Then when you are a physically and mentally recovered, and feeling strong, you can think about the next plan. There is a thread somewhere round here, with questions to ask at your review appointment. There may be lot's your clinic have learned about you now, and they may/may not want to do things differently next time.
I wish you well, and   that next time is your turn    
How is everyone else doing?
Bodia how is that little girl of yours coming along?
Ella, when does your next cycle start then?  
You still out there Rosie?
Kats, are you due??
I bring good news. I hope you don't think me insensitive, as this is a bfn thread! But I hope it will give you some hope when you read my signature. I had a shock bfp back in june, very soon after my m/c. So soon infact, that I haven't really let myself believe it until now. Iam 13 weeks pg, we have had a scan and there is a baby in there this time. We did however have a scare, as the nuchal measurement was high (indicative of downs) but after a torturous 6 days of waiting for blood results, our risk factor was brought down to 1:654. So for the first time in 13 weeks, I can actually start to believe this might happen!
Ella you have been a complete star! I thankyou  .

To everyone with with bfn's, I know so well how it feels to be at the bottom of a deep dark pit, with no way of escape, and I never dreamt I'd manage to climb out of mine. I wish you well, and I'm here at the top of the pit ready to pull you out! From the bottom of my heart I'm hoping for a run of bfp's  

Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## Ella*

Oh Jen  . It really is flamin pants  . The good thing is that you will go again, when you are ready & with luck it'll be the one.  
This thread is really is a beacon of hope & light. Cinders has been through cra# and now look, Bodia had success on her 2nd ivf, Kats was on her 5th ivf and success! ( though it'd better not take us that many!)

Cinders, they're lovely words! Haul me up!! ( In about 6 weeks time, well magic at about 4-5 weeks but we'll find out 6-7 weeks     )


----------



## ❣Audrey

Thinking of you xxx


----------



## durhamlass

Hello all,

I have just had my first BFN today after our first ICSI treatment. I am absoultely gutted and cant stop the tears, I must say I have had some lovely supportive messages from other ladies on FF. This is site is a godsend. 

I have been told to test again on sat by clinic, as still no sign of AF but I'm not holding out much hope, i'm sure the drugs are holding it off. 

Michelle
x


----------



## jen83

michelle, i wasn't told to test again but i did this morn still a bfn i really dont think it has hit me yet i am still wondering if it could be late implantation as i bled the tinyist ammount tue night and just tiny bit of brown stuff yesterday i prob is the start of a/f but me being me    just cant leave it at that till full flow a/f 
All i have done all day is googled late implantation and false /positive preg tests! 
will let go but really dont want to   
jen83


----------



## durhamlass

Hi Jen,

They say it isnt over until AF becomes full flow so hang in there, it could well be late implantation, I have read a couple of stories on here today (been on here nearly all day looking for positive stories) and she tested on OTD but 3 days later it was positive. Some women dont produce enough HCG in their urine so there still could be hope

Its so hard I cant believe how bad I am taking this its awful wouldnt wish this on anyone.. 

keep us updated as to what happens.  

Michelle xx


----------



## jen83

will do hun can you remember where you read the posts? i think i may have just pm the person you are talking about but if there is more i would love to read. its so hard letting go i sound like a right   person but i wont leave it till a/f arrives. 

  hun pm me anytime if u wanna chat. 
jen83


----------



## durhamlass

Hi Jen

I think the posts were in peer support post treatment I think, i cannot remember the ladies name but will have a look for you. 

Michelle


----------



## durhamlass

Hi Jen

Here is the link there are a couple of ladies who have tested on day 17 pet so there could still be hope chick

Sorry hun but the link doesnt appear to be working, but if you follow this path you will get to it ... its in peer support, post treatment, page 3, and the post is 6th from the bottom titled anyone with BFN 12 days post EC, had BFP on OTD

have a read through chick

michelle
x


----------



## Ella*

Jen, Michelle, how awful for you both but fingers crossed still! There was a lady on our thread who had bfn on test day and an af ( not light) and guess what a few weeks later/??!! It was unreal, she's 26 weeks now. Don't want to give you false hope but at this point, as you say, it's not all over till af        
and remember, Cinders is here for you!


----------



## durhamlass

EllaW, there are a few ladies who i have read about getting a neg on test day then 3 days later get a pos, but i'm not getting my hopes up at all. My dp is finding it hard accepting the neg result and still thinks our little embies are inside doing what they should be = bless him. But your right, its not over till af arrives and to be honest, i'm still showing no signs of anything coming, but thats the drugs i think, although my clinic asked if i had had a bleed so not sure if that means if it was going to arrive it would of no matter what drugs im on.. i could be wrong though. 

Michelle
x


----------



## teresa b

Hi girls

I had my 1st failed IVF cycle yesterday got BFN (devastated)  
Everything seemd to go so well through the cycle even got 2 Embryo's frozen so really can't understand why it didn't work ??
going for my follow up appointment Thurs 4th Sept to discuss it but was wording if anybody has any advice on what to do next ??

xx


----------



## teresa b

Thank you so much for your kind words it's just what i need right now and to talk to people that have been through it and know how i'm feeling helps. Having a baby is the most important thing in the world to me and i want it more than anything else in the world.
Me and my partner have been through some many tough times over the last 2/3 yrs as he has kidney failure and is awaiting a kidney & pancreas transplant so we just so wanted to happy news for a change.

Are you having another cycle ?? if so is fet ? I have read that lots of people seem to have better luck with fet even though the sucess rate is slightly lower.

Hopefully i will get some answers at my follow up appointment that will help us do better next time
I wish you luck for the future 

xxxx


----------



## durhamlass

teresa b - So so sorry to hear of your BFN, I had mine last week and I felt the same - devasted. 

Its so hard to accept that it hasnt worked for you because all the way through your tx and 2ww you think yes it is going to work then you get such a big blow that it hasnt - its the most awful thing in the world. 

I'm a great believer in that everything happens for a reason, my tx was obviously not meant to be at this time, i know thats no help when we are so upset but its natures way of perhaps saving that little baby from something not so nice in life. 

Its now 5 days since my BFN and I'm still feeling a little upset, I still cry now and then, mostly when i'm on my own and think about it but it will get better. I havent arranged my follow up yet - plucking up the courage, because I know i will burst out crying when he mentions it so need to get a little stronger before I go. But as rose says have a look at those questions - I certainly will be now. 

Rose is right go and do the things you werent allowed to - I had a huge bubble bath and it was fantastic. Just spoil yourself and take time out for you. 

I am sending you lots of cyber   and dont forget that tx makes us women a lot stronger and that is a good thing.

Take care of yourself   and wishing you lots and lots of luck for future. 
Michelle
xx


----------



## teresa b

fortunately our 1st cycle was funded so now we have to find the money for the next cycle which will prove difficult with my partner unable to work due to kidney failure ! This is why we were thinking of using the frozen embryo's cause it is a lot cheaper and well if that doesn't work we will have to start saving !!!
i wanted to go for my follow up appointment asap cause i feel i need some answers to help me accept it and remain positive for nxt time. The clinic did say that cause everything went well this time then there is no reason why it won't go as well next time and hopefully get a BFP (FINGERS CROSSED)
I have printed off the list of questions that were on this board to take with me to the follow up appointment.
Like you say first time you go into it blind folded really cause you don't know what to expect and i got the worst possible result and boy do i know how that feels  

will keep you posted and good luck
xx


----------



## durhamlass

Hi Teresa B - Sorry to hear your only getting one cycle funded from NHS ? Can I ask why ? Does your partner have children from a previous marriage ? I work for my local PCT and thought people get at least 2 goes on NHS (i think they are bumping it up to 3 now). 

I have just done egg sharing at Darlington and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. It took me a long time to decide whether this was the right thing to do because we dont really have a lot of money etc and in the end i decided that I did want to help other women who cannot fall pregnant - as if i were one of those women i would be praying someone would donate their eggs. As soon as the eggs are collected, you get told how many you get, so i got 11 and my recipient got 11 then that was the end of that - i didnt even think about it all the way through 2ww but now i got my negative i'm thinking about whether she got pregnant or not - but i'd be glad if she did because although i got my negative i want something good to come out of all i have been through. So its worth considering. 

Can I just ask where did you find the list of questions to ask at follow up meeting - I have searched but cannot find them - must be looking in the wrong place. If you can send the link that would be great. 

Rose - The NHS is pants isnt it really, its just so unfair at times. Its amazing what we do for our little miracle, I would happily spend every penny we had on IVF if I knew for certain it would work. 

I have just started my af today after my tx - so i know its definately all over, my dp was still holding out some hope that it had worked as af wasnt arriving but its defo here now and boy do i know about it. Will have to arrange my follow up soon, just dont feel strong enough to as I blubbed again last night when af was starting so i know as soon as i go in that room with my consultant i'm going to start again - i know it needs doing though so maybe next week sometime. 

Wishing you lots of luck 
Michelle
x


----------



## teresa b

We were told that everybody is only entitled to one funded cycle which we thought was a little harsh as the reason we cannot conceive naturally is due to my partners illness, neither of us have any children yet either....... so think we are going to talk to the PCT again and see if we can at least another funded cycle.
I have the list of questions at home so will send them to you later.

I have also considered egg sharing as an option to keep the costs down as i have always said i would donate my eggs once i've had my children to help other couples to have families because i know myself how desperately hard it is when the most important thing in the world to you is to be parents.

In the nicest possible way it is lovely to talk to other people that are expriencing the same devastation becuase most of my friends have children and don't really understand . I also haven't told my parents as i have never felt supported by them either.

Lets hope we will both have baby bumps very soon


----------



## teresa b

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,23451.0.html 
i think these are them x


----------



## durhamlass

thanks teresa for these questions. 

I know how you feel about speaking to other people about IF as most of my friends have children too - they say they understand but really they dont. One of my friends said to me the other week she doesnt know how 'you people' do this... i thought it was the wrong thing to say but maybe it was just me over reacting because of how i was feeling. She is ok because she has two children. 

I would definately speak to your PCT again because if neither of you have any children from a previous relationship you should be entitled to more than one go on the NHS. Definately have another word with them. Where abouts do you live ? 

Michelle 
x


----------



## teresa b

I don't think you with over reacting at all cause my sister said to me "you can't let it take over your life you will make yourself ill" again easy for her to say cause she has two children. Being a mum means everything to me and thats why i will never give up and part of me in a strange way feels honoured to exprience Ivf cause that just moves how much it means to us and how much more precious they will be to us when they do arrive.
My neighbour had a baby three weeks ago so it's difficult having a newborn next door. She said to me i'm never going through that again the pain was terrrible and i sat there thinking i would love to exprience that pain because the pain my feeling right now i will never get over and you have your littlie bundle of joy in your arms !!!!

We live in Northampton which i think only gets one funded cycle at the moment but i not going to give up with the PCT cause i feel it's a bit unfair especially with it being due to Mark's medical problems

Thanks for the chat it's really helped
xx


----------



## Ella*

Teresa, so sorry to hear of your bfn & predicament. I see you are potentially interested in egg share & you are not that far from my clinic that offer free treatment for egg sharers! I'll im you the link.

BFN's really are the pits aren't they, but we'll get there!

Hi to Rose, Michelle, Cinders, Kats, Rosie, Bodia, Ands


----------



## teresa b

Rose39 said:


> teresa b - So sorry to hear that you only get one funded treatment. That seems so unfair given your partner's health problems. In fact the whole NHS funding for fertility seems to be very random and subjective.
> 
> There are ways of doing IVF and FET more cheaply.... e.g. many clinics supply the IVF/ FET drugs themselves to you (as it's the easiest option for the patient) but they also mark up the prices significantly. I'm having to fund everything myself (single women get no NHS funding - my GP even refused to do any blood tests!). I've spent around £10k so far, so it's a big hole in my savings. I was able to get my IVF drugs much cheaper by using a fantastic pharmacy recommended by other FF ladies in East London (there's a thread somewhere on the site about getting cheaper fertility drugs). I wouldn't dream of getting my drugs from the clinic now.
> 
> I also have taken out 2 credit cards which are both cashback ones, so that anything I buy now saves me money for the IVF - and I pay for all treatments at the clinic using these cards too. I've also opened some new savings accounts with better interest rates and moved my savings around.
> 
> If you are under 36, and want to use a UK clinic moving forward, would you consider egg-sharing? I know that this can be a challenging thing to think about from an emotional and ethical perspective, but many clinics are desperate for egg donors and it usually means that your IVF treatment would be free. If money is a major issue, then it's maybe something to consider.
> 
> Another option is to use a clinic abroad - several of the single ladies are using Reprofit in Brno (Czech Republic) as it is significantly cheaper than treatment in the UK. They give excellent feedback on the clinic and the consultants try really hard to get every patient a BFP. It's a very popular clinic for FF and there's a thread on it in the International board.
> 
> Wishing you best of luck at your follow up appointment.
> 
> Rose xx
> 
> Thanks for your words of support and help. I am defo going to talk to the PCT again because i feel it's is unfair and also the fact that it depends where you live too which i think is bad.
> Hoping i will get some answers tomorrow to help me accept it a little better.
> Fingers crossed for your next cycle and hopefully we will all have baby bumps real soon


----------



## teresa b

EllaW said:


> Teresa, so sorry to hear of your bfn & predicament. I see you are potentially interested in egg share & you are not that far from my clinic that offer free treatment for egg sharers! I'll im you the link.
> 
> BFN's really are the pits aren't they, but we'll get there!
> 
> Hi to Rose, Michelle, Cinders, Kats, Rosie, Bodia, Ands
> 
> Thanks for you kind words. Got my follow up tomorrow so hopefully will get some answers. Will never give up.
> Where do you live ??
> Good luck with your next attempt


----------



## Ella*

*Rose*, I have just had a flashback, were you the one who had been interested in immune testing? I haven't had it but a number on another thread I'm on have. Amongst other things many end up on steroids, clexane(heparin), baby aspirin, viagra!! and more, I;m sure you are familiar with this. My clinic wont test but are happy for you to try clexane after failed treatments. I tried that last time. I did get a bfp but not for long :-(. I will no doubt see about going on it again this time. The ladies on my thread that have done testing have had success so there may be something in it. They were on Donor sperm thread & now a number are on donor bumps & babies if you want to ask them 

Thanks for good wishes Teresa . I baseline next week so nearly starting!

x


----------



## durhamlass

Ella - Good luck for the start of your treatment hun - hope everything goes smoothly and you get a much deserved BFP at the end of it. sending you lot of     vibes.

Michelle
xx


----------



## teresa b

Hi Rose

I went for my follow up appointment today and feel a better about my BFN and more positive about the future.
The Dr said that my cycle was what he would cinsider as perfect and wouldn't change anything for my nxt cycle. He explained that the 2 main reasons embryo's don't implant is either because the embryo's stop dividing in the womb or because the embryo's may have had a genetic disorder.
The options given to were FET,Egg sharing or wait patiently because in the very near future the PCT will be giving couples the recommend 3 funded Ivf cycles. So i think i'm going to wait for the PCT as due to my partners medical conditions we would qualify for 2 more funded cycles so then i can save my frosties for later.

Good luck for your next cylces and i'm sure we will all get a dream soon


----------



## DizziSquirrel

Just to let you ladies Know I am coving for spahy while shes on holiday,
So just yell if you need me OK

~Dizzi~


----------



## sam 2

Hello Ella i have read your post about a clinic where you can get free treatment for egg shareing, which clinic is that hun, and does that apply to icsi treatment also? 
We egg shared at Care hospital in manchester and recieved reduced treatment cost, but it still cost us £1850 i cant imagine what our cost would be if we didnt egg share..
sam


----------



## Kizzy161

Hi folks,

Just dropping in to say hello.  I introduced myself a few weeks ago after my second treatment failed then disappeared.  I think I just needed a bit of time away from the boards to help me deal with it.

I've a question for those of you who have several failed treatments - how do you manage to find it within yourself to feel positive about future treatments? 

We're due to have out third (and unless we get some freezers) final attempt in November and I can't manage to create any faith in myself that this time it might work.  Ideally the answer might be to give ourselves a bit more time, but that's the thing we don't have because I'm 40.  Also, I feel like my life's been on hold because of the big 'what if ....' for a few years now and I'm ready to put an end to that.  

Well, I won't be around next week because I'm off to a conference in Canada and then staying there for a few days after to see what sounds to be a beautiful national park, maybe a few mountains and an un-light polluted starry sky is just what I need to get my head into a better place.

Durhamlass, I think you were on the same cyclebuddies thread as me, weren't you?  July/august?

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

Karen


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## Ella*

Hi *Karen*, welcome back and yes of course you'd need time out . Hope you have a good conference in Canada . Oh this flamin lark! Positive attitude? Hah! After each failure I truly don't know how I can muster positive feelings for the next time. On one go I didn't have any, it felt like going through the motions but then, quite suddenly, there it was again, positiveness! Each time has on the whole been text book so I can't even see how I can find reason to feel more positive about the next go but you do. This time I've tried a few extras but really as all was textbook last time should I change anything? Gone for the caboodle of Zita west vits & dha & cd for positive visualisation ( maybe that's your key to must pos for next go!) and lost a bit of weight but wasn't that much overweight anyway. The girls who were on this thread who now have success! ( one on her 5th ivf!) all were the same as you & I & probably most other multi treatment ladies but by heck they have got there! 
It can happen it WILL happen!

*Sam*, have im'ed you  You're right, it's a fortune even if reduced! I would have considered egg share but was too old by the time treatment beyond IUI started  Private was for us and the financial side of this is a heavy burden but now NHS has come through for us so we are lucky.

*Teresa*, your follow up sounds great . 3 goes in your area soon? WOW! that is probably best in the country?!

*Michelle*, thanks for wishes, what are your plans?

*Rose*, oh yes, that's great it came back normal! I wish I was tested for something  I mean alongside the bog standard tests. I guess the clexane I was popped on does the same job as your baby aspirin & I wonder if it helped my short lived bfp last time? I need to sort out if I can go on it this time.

*Cinders, Kats, Bodia, Rosie *


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## durhamlass

Hi all, 

I hope everyone is well and enjoying the weekend. 

Kizzy161 - Yes I was on July/August thread, but it was a BFN for me as you prob know which I couldnt believe - still finding it hard accepting but you have to move on with your life dont you.. Canada sounds fab - make sure you have a good time when your conference finishes. 

EllaW - I have my follow up appointment on Thursday so will see what the consultant has to say - not sure what he can say to be honest as i dont know what went wrong and i'm sure he dont either. But we shall see. Whats next for you ?

Take care everyone - sorry its short and sweet, just going to watch the grand prix with dp - lewis hamilton (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)  

Michelle
x


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## Ands42

Good morning ladies...
Mind if i join you

I was on the July/Aug cycle buddies board but had  BFN.... well not tested yet but AF arrived on Sat....   

We're absolutely gutted.... This cycle was so different to my last one & I was so certain it was gonna work. I took AF 8 days after ET which is exactly what happened last time...

Cried lots on Sat & Sun, yest I was ok until I spoke to the clinic then the tears started again.... My follow up is being arranged. We have 4 frosties to use, so hoping to to have that done after our holiday in Dubai. To be honest I need to go away & switch off from it all.

Hello to Kizzy & Karen, we spoke on the lovely loonies thread...

Hello to everyone else.... I was on here back in March after 1st cycle failed, and didn't think I'd be back   

Have a good day
Ands
xxx


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## durhamlass

Morning Ands42, so so sorry to hear of your BFN  

A holiday sounds like the perfect thing to do - just to get away from it all and have some time with your partner and just relax. 

Take care
Michelle
xx


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## Ella*

Ands, sorry to see you back but naturally you know you're welcome  

I did add you to my hellos for some time I'd have you know but thought we had seen the last of you after some time so sorry it's not the case. You're back on my hellos!  

Michelle, good luck with your folow up, I know what you meana bout it but it's a step I guess.

I start baseline tomorrow. It's a long time since my last bfn, February   so finally it's all go again. Just hope all is right tomorrow which sure it will be.


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## Ands42

Hey Ella thanks for the welcome...

Its nice to have somewhere to go after the dreaded   shows her ugly red face!!!!

I've just had my first wine in  months, in fact 2 glasses & now feel decidedly relaxed   

We move house next week so my mind is occupied.... mind you i thought I'd get off with the lifting due to being PG   

So I look forward to getting to know you all, and supporting each other down this bl***y emotional road.... 

TTFN
Ands
xxx


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## Ella*

Ands, you will have moved house now! 
Hope all went well


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## Sam1934

Hi

Can anyone help?  My AF turned up Thur/Fri about 4 days before test date.  Now today I have really bad stomach cramps, bloated and feel really dizzy.  Is this usual? Clinic said to stop taking pessaries.  I don't normally suffer with AF but was thinking maybe it's the drugs getting out of my system.  I've looked back on previous posts and can't find any info.  

Sam


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## sleepy dwarf

Hi ladies

Can I join you all?  Am in between treatments, had a BFN couple of weeks ago after IVF, was so convinced it had worked but obviously not meant to be.  Not sure where to next, have my follow up appointment tomorrow so have my list of questions ready!

Am hoping to try again sometime but just not sure when.  Looking foward to getting to know you all.

xx


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## Kizzy161

Hello,

Sleepy dwarf and Sam - hello, sorry to hear that you had BFN.

And Ands42, hey ex-cycle buddy, sorry to be meeting you here, crap, isn't it.  Hope the house move is injecting something exciting and positive into life for you.

I'm jumping right back into the water again and planning to do my third and final attempt in November.  I can't bear being in the limbo any more.  I feel resigned to it not working though but just want to feel that I did everything I could so that I don't regret not having had another go in a few years time (when it'll definitely be too late for me).  Not sure how to get myself feeling more optimistic and would welcome any tips from anyone who has had repeated attempts.

Hello to everyone else.

Karen xx


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## Ella*

Hi Sam, Sleepydwarf 
& Karen, Michelle, Rose, Ands, Rosie, Cinders, Bodia & Kats

Argh, Karen, its such a pile of poop this lark isn't it   I am a 'repeat attempts' person who is also mustering everything to be positive. I'm quite positive in that it's something just to have egg & sperm ( as embie) in my womb rather than nothing at all!   There's a few ladies who post only a little now who had repeat attempts & then bingo, success! Kats was on her 5th ivf and had resigned herself to it probably not working. I try and do something extra each time but maybe that's not so good, maybe the recipe is right its just odds and to wait for mine to come up and by adding things I'm disturbing the balance/odds? 
I went Zita West book, vits & dha this time and visualisation cd. A couple of the girls on this thread that had success had gone Zita route on last attempt. I've grown more follies than before but am not at e/c yet so who knows what the actual yeild is? Oh & lost a stone ( though wasn't that much overweight but worth a shot though hard to lose!) Therefore trying to give myself reasons to be more positive!

I wasn't worried about follies as have always produced enough for two grade 1's to be put back & a couple of grade 1's in the freezer. I'm actually worried if I produce more that it'll be quantity rather than quality   I guess I worry about a lot of this as there's been no reason for it not to work, good cycles each time yet no jackpot. Same for many of us isn't it. 

I'm waffling, but you asked!  

Go for it girl, this will be the one!


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## sammy1521

Hi Girls,

Can I join your thread...i just got my BFN from my first ICSI cycle today...i tested yesterday at home and was devastated so when my DP called me this morning to tell me that the nurse told him it was negative...i was numb...i go from nothing to spurts of emotion...I was convinced i was pregnant...but now i realize it was the drugs that made me feel that way.

We will try again...my DP had 1 more straw in the freezer from a reversal which didnt work...so we atleast know we will try 1 more time and the clinic says we could go back and get more if needed...i know it was hard to get the first 2 straws....but where there is a will there is a way, i supose.

I feel like i want to start tomorrow one minute and another minute i want to wait to get my body in check....i feel like over the last 6 weeks i havent had any control...and i have felt soooo yucky...to say the least...(im sure i dont need to tell you girls that).

I was scared after i read Rose's post about the 1st AF after the cycle being bad because of the drugs...my AF's are normally bad so i can only imagine what is around the corner... 

The clinic wants to make a follow up appointment.....i havent had the heart to arrange that yet...but then i only found out 1.5 hours ago! 

The thought of drinking a glass or 2 of wine...mmmm....was it really good Ands?  I was craving it a couple of days ago and all i would do is smell my DP's read shiraz...

Looking forward to being part of your thread....


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## Ands42

Hi Girls

Finally got broadband up & running at the new house.... 

The move went fine, we're almost settled, still the kitchen flooring & lighting to finish, and our en suite flooring then I think we're there!!! we've spent 5 months renovating & I really want it to be over now....

So how's everyone doing??

Rose happy downregging.... let the madness begin  

Kizzy you are a very strong woman to make that decision.... I'm getting to close to that too, I have my frosties to use then probably one last fresh attempt..... i have to be realistic about my age....

Hello to all the girls who posted after me, and welcome... look forward to getting to know you all & helping each other on this mad journey we insist on taking!!

I'm off to Dubai in just over a week, then I should get my follow up, and a date for my FET.... I'm hoping to do a natural FET, as I've had 2 natural pregnancies in the past so think I might try and do it 'alone'. In fact just waiting for AF to rear her head just now.... she's been threatening to all week, just get it over with woman   

Ok I'll return in a few days.....until then Adios

Luv
Ands
xxx


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## Gingerpud

Hi all,

Can I join?  

I came so close to bfp but it was not to be.  Had beta level of 10 hcg last week but was told today that deffo neg.  Good thing is that we have doc appt in 4 weeks to look forward to and hopefully we can have a way of moving forward.

Ginger xx


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## bella 64

Hi Ginger

So sorry you have a BFN,its so sad.  I had a BFN at the weekend after having DE on the 21st oct.
I thought i was pg had symptoms, but that was the cyclogest playing havoc with me 

I hope you find the strength to move on hun.
We have are not having anymore TX.(mentally drained)

Sharon


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## rosiebadgirl

hello everyone. i'm back.



and i'm feeling really, really sorry for myself.

i'm lying here in bed in the dark using my phone to access ff - just as i have done every night since i starting down-regging at the start of jan ready for my first FET.

it hasn't worked but the things that are upsetting me so much tonight are the pregnancy tests. 

despite my best efforts i have been testing every morning since the embryos had been transferred in for a week. my official test date is monday 16 feb and because i bled after just day10dpt and 11dpt, this time i convinced my consultant to prescribe gestone. this has thankfully prevented an early bleed but i am still testing negative 3 days early. i'm no fool. i know it hasn't worked. 

and i've been ok with it, i really have. but tonight i have really hurt myself by testing again and again and, yes, even again. three tests within an hour and a half. the first had something i convinced myself was a very, very faint line. i knew though i was kidding myself. so i did another and it was completely empty. unconvinced and desperate i took it apart. then i tried to just leave it but i couldn't. i took them both apart and compared them under every source of light holding them at every possible angle. 

i knew i was hurting myself. it was making me tap into the all the pain i've buried over the years and all i wanted - seriously ALL I WANTED was to see a line.

so i took out a third test and this time i collected my wee in a glass so i could make sure it absorbed enough. maybe i was hoping that the second test was blank because it didn't catch enough wee.

the third test was blank too. 

i'm so sad. just lying here with hot tears running down my face and collecting in irritating little pools in my ears which every now and then waterfall themselves onto my collarbone.

i feel like such a sad case. 

honestly girls, i'm so upset. i am feeling so sorry for myself it's unreal. 

i only have one test left now which i know i will use in the morning when i get up and then it's just going to hurt all the more. 

i'll get over it obviously, and i'll be fine. i've lived with my infertility for ten years. i'm used to it and i have my little dogs now - my hairy daughters who i love more than anything.

i'll be fine. but my madness tonight doing all that testing and that desperate, hopeless, pathetic scrutiny of the tests has brought all the old pain back.

what i would give to see a line.

but i never do. and it doesn't just hurt me, it seems to break me.

so sorry to just barge in like this in the middle of the night with all my pain. but i've literally got nowhere else to go with it.

thanks for listening. right, i'd better go and start pailing out my ears and pulling myself together. 

it's probably done be some good to tell you how i feel. so thank you, again.

rosie xx


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## carole

Rosie


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## saphy75

Awww hun i'm so sorry     i think a lot of us have done the same thing at some point, i know i have so much to the extent that pg tests were banned in our house (dh made me promise i wouldn't go behind his back) and i was only allowed 1 test the night before official test date. as you say you will find a way to deal with yet another BFN but in the mean time cry, scream, rant and shout about how   unfair infertility is  

pam xx


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## sammy1521

Hi Girls,

I havent been on here since my last ICIS attempt back in September....but this is our second BFN!!!  Yesterday I did a test at home (3 days early) and it was a BFN!!!  I was gutted because i felt so different this time...and today my AF arrived so....its defeinitly a BFN!!!

I'm numb and like a robot, everything i see or hear hurts.....

Rose, big hug for you!!  I felt the same, i just wanted to see and experience what others have, a Positive test.....i hate those bloody things....infertility is unfair....and it hurts.  Be kind to yourself.....i hate when i cry and my tears end up in my ears, as well....... 

Hi to all the others....wishing everyone a carefree day.

Sammy


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## saphy75

i'm so sorry hun   i kind know how you feel as our ivf failed (af showed up on valentines day) 5 years ago and sometimes it still feel like yesterday    and we decided that was it for us and moved on to adopt a gorgeous baby boy  

good luck whatever you decide to do   

pam xx


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## harmony

Hello it's Harmony here

I thought I'd get in touch as my IVF didn't' work adn we found out on the 11th Feb.

Like you I can't believe it and still am crying about it - adn can't face baby talk anywhere.

The only thing I can suggest - which I learnt from this site - is to make an appointment to see your consultant for a chat. Under my posting (on the same page as yours, just below I think heading 'bereaved') I had some v helpful comments and one lovely lady has put a link to some questions to ask during this meeting which you might find helpful. We have ours next week and maybe I'll be able to stop crying by then - at least for the time being. 

I know how you are feeling - in the space of less than 30 mins all our hopes dreams were gone but we do want to push forward and try again, but want to make sure I can not bring this bad luck with the next try.

All I can suggest is if you can speak to someone do - if not, like me we are keeping the whole IVF thing quiet - make sure you have time on your own to cry, shout and swear and let it out. We are all grieving for the death of a baby and the death of a dream but I am thinking that this is only a temporary 'set back'.

My thoughts, Harmony xxx


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## lwalk

Hello all, I've joined the club also because I did a couple of preg test this week and got BFN but did,nt quite believe them. Anyway my period has now begun indicating its all over for me till next time.I feel like its all been a waste of time cos I've had 2 weeks off work, moved meetings, took it easy with house work, no alcohol,drank plenty of water,no heavy lifting and I could go on and on.I can't believe it hasn,t worked because we apparently had high chances because it was my fiance who had sperm antibodies which they said ICSI would be able to get past this, but unfortunately it wasn,t meant to be  this time. I've now got to face work with a shake of  the head.


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## rose08

hi bodia 
sorry hun to hear abt u..i  had 3rd iui done.i tested today which is bfn as i expected, still holding some hope as no af yet...so dont think u r alone...take care


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## Choice4

I am sorry to hear about the news, i wonder if you may think of considering immune treatment, as there are some immune problems that affect implantation
Check out the guide to immune testing here
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82741.0


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## Ella*

Oh Rosie  
I just happened to log on, don't come on here so much now even though I am mid treatment. I saw the ol thread with recent messages & this alone is sad because of course it's negative updates, so hugs to all  . 
Hope everyone else is bearing up    
x


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## rosiebadgirl

thanks ella. nice to hear from you. it means a lot.  

how you doing these days? xx


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## SallyN

HI I was just referred to the site today.
Just got BPN this morning from my first cycle.


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## Choice4

Sally
I am so sorry to hear about your BFN
Have you considered, havining some immune tests done
sometimes there may be some immune problems that may be preventng implantation
Check out the Guide to immune testing hear, see link below

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82741.0


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## amyclare

not quite sure where else to post this. we had our 2nd icsi and af arrived in full force on day 11 - gutted is not the right word, i feel completly devastaed.  last isci we got a bfp but m/c at 9 weeks, we tried fet but our embies did not thaw so i had great hope for a fresh cycle thinking,stupidly that the only risk wud be holding on to the embies.  not so. they didtn even implant.  so what is wrong with me, i dont understand?  i did everything right?  i have never come on b4 test day the cyclogest has always prevented a bleed so by body must have really rejected theses embryos....so if we try fet again what will be any difference.....feeling very very dispondent.

    to all who know how i am feeling.  this treatment lark is so hard. 

amyclare


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## Choice4

Amycare
Sorry to hear of your BFN, like you said it looks like your body is rejecting the embs, this usually happens in cases of some underlying immune problems, it may be a good idea to 
1. get the book "is your body baby friendly" by Alan Beer from Amazon. it tells you all about immune problems and treatment.
2. If you want a good immune Doctor, check out Dr Gorgy he is very good, also there is ARGC.

Here is a link to the immune thread here
3.http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82741.0

4.Here are some immune tests you may need to do, level 1 can be done by your gp, 
My level 1 tests were:

1. Full blood count, liver function tests, Urea and Electrolytes
2. Thyroid function tests (both free T4 and TSH)
3. Immunoglobulin panel (IgG, IgA and IgM)
4. Autoimmune antibodies (must include anti-nuclear antibodies,
thyroid peroxidase and anti-mitochondrial antibodies)
5. Anticardiolipin antibodies (both IgC and IgM)
6. Thrombophilia (must include lupus anticoagualant, Factor V Leiden
and Panthrombin gene mutation)

My level 2 immune tests aka the 'Chicago Tests' completed at RFU were:
Natural Killer Assay $385
Th1:Th2 intracellular cytokine ratios $333
HLA DQ alpha (male) $52
HLA DQ alpha (female) $52
MRTHR $82
Leukocyte antibody detection $104
total: $1008 = £514.39

To undertake these tests I contacted and paid the RFU lab directly: 
Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science
Clinical Immunology Laboratory
CLIA ID #14D0646416
3333 Green Bay Road
North Chicago
IL 60064
USA


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## amyclare

thankyou choice, i will check the book out and talk through immune testing at my followup x
cheers for the link x


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## Choice4

Amyclare
Remember not many Drs know much about immune, and some tell you it does not help but believe me it helps
Let me know how you get on


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## bent

hi is there anybody out there who got a  , this week following icsi, got my on the 19th march, feelin a little better each day, but would love to talk to somebody in the same boat, dp very good, but dont think he fully understands


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## Choice4

I got BFN with my first ivf and i know how you feel, please take time to heal, with time you would feel better and may be ready to go it again.
I wonder if you have considered some immune testing to check if there may be anything preventing implantation
Check out the "guide to immune testing " on this site


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## amyclare

i had a bfn from icsi this month, i know how you feel, and you are right it does get better each day, helps me to have a plan of what to do next and make decisions, gives me bak some control i suppose.  i ahve blown you some bubbles xx    

amyclare xx


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## Beep

Hi ladies

I've just gone through ICSI and got a BFN tonight, was due to test tomorrow am but started bleeding so tested tonight.
I still feel numb.  I thought they had implanted I had all the same symptoms as other people.

Beep


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## Choice4

Beep
Sorry to hear of your BFN, please take time to heal
And look after yourself


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## amyclare

beep - big hugs for you    

choice - my book has arrived!!!  i have started reading through x

love and hugs to all
amyclare x


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## Monkey11

Hi all,

Beep, Amyclare and Bent, I am sorry to hear of your recent BFN's, it may not seem like it now but things will look a bit brighter soon. I had a chemical pregnancy with my first ICSI last Nov, and so went from being really happy to devastated 2 days later when I lost the emby. I am now waiting to start 2nd ICSI at Bristol next month. What we are all going through is a very difficult time in our lives and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what we are putting ourselves through. 

Hugs to you all and goodluck to those trying again.

Lal.xx


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## amyclare

monkey - all the best for your next cycle fingers crossed for a wonderfull BFP for you xx


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## LuuLuu

Hi girls - I'm onto my 2nd BFN today and really struggling.  I hate the fact that I am feeling left behind all our friends.  I am also despairing a bit of whether it will ever work for us.  We aren't exactly seen as a 'bad case' in that we have lots of 'little things' but no major factor that we are aware of.  We just always seem to fall at the last hurdle.

I just have this gut instinct that there is something more they haven't spotted, either embryo arrest, problem with hatching, or implantation so I'm going to ask lots of questions at our next follow up.

Would love to speak with other girls feeling the same way so we can give each other the support we need.


----------



## Beep

Hi Luuluu

I'm so sorry about your BFN you must be feeling awful, just so awful.   

I got my first BFN at the beginning of April and for a few days couldnt move for feeling desperate and grief, just breaking down and crying.  

I have found a book by Dr Alan Beer which I have started reading, the beginning of it is very good, we just want to know why, why why.  I dont know if you have read him already or what other reading or things you have done, but I have now had acupuncture and have seen the councillor at my clinic, both of which I have found helpful to different degrees.

I'm hoping to try again in June, you probably havent got to that decision yet but I'd love to stay in touch with you hun.

I too am being left behind by friends.  My thoughtless best friend sent me a text in my 2WW it just said 'I'm pregnant'  I thought, thats nice of you to ask how my tx is going!!!  

Look after yourself
Beep
xxxxx


----------



## LuuLuu

Beep - that rings so many bells!!!  My friends have all had babies in the time I have been ttc.  They all starting trying because they were frightened of being left behind by us!!!

I have that book too - it is very good.  Spoke to my Consultant after the first BFN and he said he didn't want to do any more tests til I'd had 3 BFNs!!!  Will push him again this time as otherwise feel like using my 9 frosties next will just be going through the motions.

I'm hoping to do a FET in June so maybe we can encourage each other then!!!  Got to ring the clinic Tuesday to sort out follow up appt but will be pushing for a June tx.  Then at least I can get another in before I turn 32!!!

I've been thinking about accupuncture.  Also considered counselling - not sure if I'm there yet but I am close.

Will be great to keep in touch.

Have a lovely weekend.

LuuLuu


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## Beep

Hi

You could ask your GP to run some tests if your consultant wont, I dont know if they will say yes but its worth an ask.

My follow up appointment is May20th.  I'm looking forward to it now.  

I would recommend acupuncture for sure and councilling.  I've come to the conclusion that everything helps.  

Have a lovely weekend as well and stay in touch.

Beep
xxxx


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