# Thoughts wanted on egg sharing worry



## CJ (Aug 24, 2003)

Hi all, I just had few worries about egg-sharing but they are a bit sensitive so was unsure if I should post them .
We have been looking into eggsharing for a while and were both fine with sharing the eggs and we have thought about if the other couple get pg and we don't etc and thats all find in our heads, but the one problem I am having is how to deal with 18 yrs down the line if a child/ren is/are born and did want to find me.

Firstly how realistic is that, someone looking for you, do they talk about that in detail when you go through the egg sharing? How can they find you with moving addresses etc (sorry if that sounds stupid )
Also we are going the eggsharing route because we can't afford to pay 4500 to have anymore goes on our own, and of course it's wonderful to be able to help someone else get their dream of a family but if we had the whole 4500 I know we wouldn't be going down this route (sorry if that sounds awful) and I feel really bad for feeling like that.
Due to that reason we are having egg sharing (which is lack of money) and because of having my wonderful boys already I'm just wandering what to say if I ever do get that person looking for me, surely they would feel that I'd given them up to someone else just so I could have another child..? .
It would be easy for me to stick my head in the sand and not think about it at all as it's something that may never happen for lots of reasons or that no children will ever be born from my donated eggs but I know that is not the way to think when making such a huge decision.

After having had IF probs in our lives for 5+yrs now we know and understand what were doing and why, we just have know idea how someone of 18 +yrs would deal with it. 
I know I'm giving up my eggs, not children, just eggs, I think of them like little vessels that someone else will come along and put their baby into (silly but makes sense to me) but I'm worried that at 18yrs a child made from my eggs may feel like I've given *them* up but I don't feel like that at all and it's hard enough for a mature adult to get their head around donating eggs never mind a teenager.

My question is really what are your thoughts on this, how do/did you get over this hurdle? I know it's a very personal thing so I'm really just looking for an idea of how to get my head around it. Also is this something that a counsellor would help me with or do they expect you to come ready to egg share having already thought these things through?

I hope know one minds me asking these questions it's just I have been looking on here for wks and not really found anything to help me with my worries, and I'm just stuck, if I could remain anonymous then I would have no worries with doing this at all.

thanks CJ x


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## Lou F ❁ (Feb 28, 2003)

CJ
I dont think anyone doing eggshare hasnt thought everything u have wrote in your post, My dh and I had never really thought about eggshare b4 not sure why but we just never did  untill a pal of mine decided to do it, like yourself i guess if we had the cash for our tx then we probably wouldnt be doing it but we havnt, once we decided to go ahead we went in for our councilling session which was OK i guess but by then we had got it straight in our heads, if and when a child does come looking they would have been given the green forms u fill in b4 u get the go ahead so they will know the ins and outs of what it entailed and hopefully the parents will have told them all about the treatment dont forget many children born from doner eggs and sperm are brought knowing they are from a doner so it is not asif they turn 18 and then get it bang in the face oh by the way, I guess no matter how much u think about it u will 
a) never know if a child will come looking 
b) never know if a child was born from your donation an awful as it is a pg doesnt always mean a baby,
it is such a personal journey i think for me and my dh we have pretty much said we will worry about it when it happens, i cant say how i will feel if i hear that they are pg and i am not but that is something u have to live with, as when it comes down to it it is not mine it is there's.
Sorry if i have babbled on one last thing i think they use your National health number to find you as this is something that any Dr u register with will have.
I hope once u make the initial decision it will get easier give a clinic a call explain your worries and see what they say u will probably find that they have heard all your worries b4 and know exactly how they can help u.
Good luck
Lol
Lou xx


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## CJ (Aug 24, 2003)

Hi Lou , thanks for replying, I didn't know about the National health number so thank you that has cleared one thing up for me  I have looked into clinics and have decided to go with Salisbury clinic and have already got my info pack. 
I guess the problem for me is our decision for doing egg sharing is mainly because of money at the end of the day and it's hard knowing that I need to explain why I chose to donate my eggs, I guess I'm worried that any child resulting from my donated eggs may feel I was just being selfish and greedy for wanting more children, but I guess I can only explain that from my heart if and when that day happens.
Having read through a few posts thismorning it seems something that the counsellor would go through with us at great length before considering us for egg sharing, but thanks for the idea of calling the clinic and explaining my worries to them first as like you say it must be something all egg sharers have to think about now that Donner's can be traced, and they must have talked the same worries through.

I do think about things too much and from every angle which isn't always a good things as I make things differcult for myself.
Thanks for repling it has helped a lot.
CJ xx


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## AirmansWife (Apr 30, 2006)

CJ, I believe when you move you have to inform your clinic of the new address; I'm pretty sure that is what we were told anyway.

As for myself, when choosing egg share I turned to it for the same "selfish" reasons you stated. And again just like you I was afraid it wouldn't be enough of a reason to tell an 18 year old I gave them half their DNA because I wanted a child of my own. The point in time you are at now was a very emotional one for me. I went from (in the very beginning) thinking I would be fine to walk hand in hand with this other woman to all my appointments, to worried about who she might be, than once underway really wanting to meet her. I quickly went from doing egg share for the IVF discount to donating eggs to someone who really needs them. If a child (I know they will be an adult by than) comes knocking on my door in 18 years wanting answers I will tell them their parents wanted and loved them before they were ever born. After years of infertility and than waiting for an egg donor I was grateful to be able to help them fulfill their dream of having a family. I will remind them how much they are loved and cared for by their birth family. Also, I will make sure they know they are welcome at my house anytime.

When I was filling out the green forms and writing the two letters to any resulting children one of my biggest worries was if they were looking for me how was their relationship with their birth parents. I delicately tried to handle that one in the letters. I mentioned how it could be hard on the birth parents knowing the child is looking me up and they need to re-affirm their love to them.

After talking with some egg recipients in the US I noticed a trend towards not telling the children they are from donated eggs. My councilor asked me how I would feel about the child not being told. My answer, which my husband agreed with, was if the parents did not want the child to know that they would never find out... No dumb family member mentioning it later or paperwork turning up. I want the child being whole and happy and if living in ignorance will do that than so be it.


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