# Confused



## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi,
I am a little confused. I can't have children and when we got married we agreed that we wouldn't have children - for us the only options would be surrogacy, adoption or fostering. Like I said - I'm a little confused. I have no doubt that if I could have a baby that we would. My husband is fantastic with children and would make a great Dad. I think I'd be a good Mum too!
I really don't know if I want children, or not. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that. But, I don't want to look back with regret. I wish things were different. But, they're not!
I know if we were to do something we would need to do it now! We're just back from holidays and looking at the families around us it's v different from being a couple.
I'm sure this makes no sense! My thoughts are v jumbled! I guess I never thought that I'd get married. And now, I don't know if other things are an option? Or, should I count my blessings?
Sx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Sunset,

I have never been in your position, but I wonder if you have always prepared yourself to be childless, so children are perhaps something you have never gave much thought to? 

Like you have stated there are avenues now you could go down and no wonder you are confused.  I always wanted children and when it never happened I was devastated.  However my DH on the other hand wasn't bothered at all.  We had a good and fulfilled life together.  We both worked so had nice holidays, weekends away and lots of nights out.  Also we were close to family and had good friends, but I always thought something was missing.

Our life now couldn't be more different.  As much as I love my boys to be bits, I now think that we could have been happy without children, it would have just been a different life to what I had imagined.

I hope I make some sort of sense and why not perhaps explore the options that you have and see how you both feel?  You certainly have nothing to lose.

Good luck
X


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi
I suppose I don't want to look back with regret. I did suggest that we consider fostering (as an option) but DH says he's happy with how things are. Which I understand. I will always wish things were different, but they're not! 
I know that I need to count my blessings, of which there are many. I am just so sad about it all. Life's just so unfair. 
x


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Dear sunset,
After my failed ivf, I had grief counselling which helped me move pass the fact that we may never have children to some extent. I'm wondering if you've ever allowed yourself to grieve and be sad .? I guess that maybe because you have known forever that you can't have children, that you have incorporated that into your identity and maybe not considered an alternative reality where you had the choice like most other people.
I don't think you need to count your blessings. I was very hard on myself after failed ivf and thought I should just pick myself up and get on with my new life ... The truth is, I needed time to be angry and upset and work through all my thoughts about what I was missing out on and a long future of implications and reminders. Of course, there is a perfectly good life awaiting us all, with or without children but the fact is we have no free choice like everyone else and that really does suck.  I personally do not identify much with child free people that have made that choice so I know (despite not especially wanting kids in my 20's) that I would have chosen children.
Hope this helps in some way. Give yourself time to reflect and consider options- of course you and your husband would make great parents but it sometimes hurts to think about what could have been so it is easier to just think maybe that we are not a child person  Kate x


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