# Moving on with an only child



## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hello ladies
This is a board for those of us who have been blessed to have a child, but now face the prospect of moving on 
Looking forward to chatting to you all 
Take care
Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Gayn!

Great idea hun.  I guess this is going to be the best place for me to post from now on!  It's good to have somewhere to talk.  Think my friends and family are sick of listening to me!  More to the point they don't understand.  Take care hun.

Love Pand


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## *Lollipop* (Feb 1, 2007)

Hi Gayn - as always your words and wisdom make so much sense..David had his 12th Birthday the other day and it was a sort of milestone..11 years of ttc 2nd child...no more now...Time to live life and enjoy what we have now !!!!!.. 

Pand you are in good company .... 

Thanks for starting this thread girlies....


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Loving this thread! Just thought I would pop in to say hello to my lovely ladies   ! Not sure if I am quite here yet...
At the moment, the thought of more treatment is worse than the thought of no treatment...but everyone keeps telling me it's too soon to decide, and their probably right. So I'll just keep plodding for now.

I think it would give me great comfort to understand what you ladies think about the pros and cons of our 'only children.' The 'only child' seems to have quite a stigma attatched to it, and I for one would like to know how true this is, or how much bo**ocks it is?
I seem to have built it up in my little head to being something terrible, when in fact, maybe it's not all bad. It wasn't what I'd hoped for, but maybe it's not so terrible having no siblings, maybe it's just different?

I hope you don't mind me being here, I feel like I need to have a foot in both camps at the mo (secondary and here,) but this could well help me in making my decision as to whether enough is enough. I promise I won't drink all the tea!  

Love
Cindersxxx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Pand and Lollipop 
Pand, you are more than welcome to post wherever you want hunni  I still read the 2ndry thread and try and keep up with people's news but feel this is the best place for me to post now as I have moved on. I think I'll always have this deep sense of sadness of what could have been  but am doing my best to move on and live a happy life.

Some days it's easier than others and it doesn't phase me to see pg women or babies, but tbh toddlers are my weakness as, hard/tiring as life is sometimes with a boisterous toddler, it is my ds' toddler years that I have some of the fondest memories. Seeing them struggle to complete a jigsaw puzzle (and the hilarious frustration and tantrums that accompany it)  or seeing them climb a slide for the first time without your assistance and you wait patiently at the bottom of the steps in case they fall and then wait to catch them, and that sense of pride on their little faces...I really miss those times... 
Toddlerhood is full of milestones (and tantrums)   but it is such fun seeing them blossom isn't it 
I don't tend to go as ga-ga over babies anymore, and that's not meant to sound like I have manifested into some bitter, baron old trout  but I don't get as upset or sad when I see them now  I suppose it stems from the fact I know I won't be holding my own baby in my arms again so I have sort of "shut off" that aspect of my maternal instinct?  Does anyone else feel like that? 
Mind you, I know once my nephew/niece is born that it is going to be really hard  I guess because it is so close to home  Part of me wants my sil to have this baby now so I can have a cry and stamp my feet  and get it over with...part of me is dreading the phone call   
I've decided I won't be going to the hospital to see her and the baby (I didn't when she had my neice) as I do think that will be so hard to deal with...being in a maternity ward...and I know I would end up in tears as your own memories flood back don't they...

Lollipop you are so right in describing your feelings on your ds' birthday  Another year older for them...but sadly another reminder of how long you've been ttc# 2  It's always a time for mixed emtions hunni, and I so know where you're coming from 
I used to say "next year we'll have another child of our own at his party" or "next year we'll be planning 2 birthday parties"...and it hits you at Christmas wrapping just one child's presents...and so it goes on... 

Pand, it is a very interesting issue you mentioned on what it means to have just the one child...and something which has tormented me (if I'm honest) for years...

I think as both dh and I have a lot of siblings (I have 3 brothers, he had 2 sisters and 2 brothers) we do tend to compare our own feelings, and childhood to that of our child don't we 
I agree that there is still this stigma associated with having an only child, that people assume they will inevitably be some kind of spoiled brat, and that we as parents are wrong for not having a sibling for them, and that makes me both sad and angry. 
Tbh it was a lot harder for me (as a mum) having just the one child when my ds was a lot younger. Toddler friends announcing the arrival of their sibling used to upset me terribly, and my ds  
I personally felt more and more excluded and alienated from the mothers too if I'm honest, as they *all* went on to have more children...and I hated that feeling 

I think we are far too hard on ourselves with our only children as they can grow up into the most amazing people  They will undoubtedly benefit from having had all of our love, devotion and attention and make super, special adults...I think we need to keep hold of that...and look forward to our beautiful grandchildren they give us  (That is not meant to depress anyone btw!)  

As Lollipop said (so perfectly!) it is time to live life and enjoy what we have now 

Sending you all huge  it's so nice to chat to you, I know it's hard at times...but remember we're all treading the same (sometimes shaky path) so we're not far away when one of us needs a hug 

Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Cinders I hope you dont mind me popping on with a few words hun,
I am an Only child, after my Mums Endo resulted in her having a hysterctomy when I was about 7, apparently the fact she concived me was a "miracle" I did struggle when I was younger asking mum all the time for a sibling, but with the hindsight and age being an only child has been a Godsend! 
I wasnt "spolit" but obviously with one child to buy for the money avalible was used on me only - not shared between 2 or 3 of us if that makes sense, 
I was brought up with other children as mum was a childminder and so I had to learn to Share 
and Personally feel being an only child till the ripe age of 17  
(my Dad re married and had 2 boys) did me no harm at all.

Gayn 

~Dizzi~
Hope its Ok to post this


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Dizzi,
I personally don't mind at all you popping in 
I think you are a shining example of how an only child can become a wonderful, loving, caring adult 
I think the hardest thing for those of us who have had siblings, and then gone on to have only one child is that we can only see life (and that of our child's) from our own perspective 
I adore all 3 of my brothers, but there were times when we could have knocked each other's heads off  
I am extremely close to my baby bro as I was going on 6 yrs when he was born, and I LOVED helping my mum with him. My middle bro was a different story...I had an operation and had been in hospital over a week, and 2 weeks after I came home he was born and I was furious!  I was 3 yrs old and quite liked being the baby of the family and recall being most upset when I heard he wasn't visiting but was here to stay   I love him dearly, but I am closer to my other 2 brothers slightly more than him. My eldest bro was my hero, taught me to ride my bike, tie my laces and pick my nose   so we have always been close, and like I say I mothered my baby bro SO much (and still do when he lets me)  

I can't imagine being an only child as I have some terrific memories of my childhood, so many laughs (and fisty-cuffs)...so it is hard for me to imagine how my ds' life is... 

I do know how heartbreaking it is to have heard and seen my ds extremely upset at times, and how he has cried himself to sleep because he wanted a little brother or sister like his friends had  and this compounds the immense feelings of failure I wrestled with as his mummy, I felt like I had let him down and that crushes you beyond words 
I know he would have been a fantastic brother, he's great with my 8 yr old nephew and 3 yrs old neice, and is even looking forward to the new arrival. He is quite insightful where children are concerned and he enjoys a very close relationship with his 2 cousins, which is lovely. He has patience and understanding with them both, and apart from changing nappies, has always been involved. They both look up to him which I think is lovely for him, and my neice especially idolises him and always makes a bee-line for him when we see her.
As many of the girls have said, all we can do is make their childhoods as fun filled and loving as we possibly can.
My ds never had any problems in making or keeping friends (which was my biggest fear), and he has always been very outgoing and sociable, but then these skills are passed on from you, as a parent aren't they...and siblings merely add another facet to their lives with regard to the pecking order in the family...well...I think so...
My ds gets all he needs from his mates, and tbh a handful of his mates he's known since he was a baby spend as much time at my house as they do at theirs, so in some ways he or I haven't lost out at all have we 
I LOVE it when "the lads" come over (eat me out of house of home mind you!)  and it's been fantastic watching them all grow up  I'm really close to a couple of them and treat them like my own anyway, as do their mums to my ds, so in a weird kind of way I feel like I have 4 boys anyway 

I've spoken to my ds about his feelings on this several times and apart from when he was very young, he is absolutely fine with this life. He does agree it would have been nice to have had a sibling but then I suspect he rather enjoys all of the love and attention he gets, despite him being a teenager I still get hugs and kisses from him...and nowadays it is the most MAHUSIVE of hugs as he towers above me and nothing can beat that feeling  (except if maybe he was to lose his aversion to keeping his bedroom tidy and remembering to put his dirty laundry in the laundry bin!)  

Lotsa love to you all 
Gayn
Xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Ta Gayn - I think getting your feelings down like this is very cath catori you know the word, threaputic!
I also think there was a thread on the relationships board about Only children, and the feelings it stirs for you as parents 

~Dizzi~


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

I have been reading these threads for a while.  I find it very sad that so many mums feel so negatively about having only children.  I am very close to my 2 sisters (one of them was my egg donor) and would have loved Lizzie to have a brother or sister, but it is not to be, and we have to live with that.

I guess that part of it comes from the fact that we haven't chosen for things to be this way.  We all grew up with ideas of how we thought our families would be - I remember that when I was 10 I told my Mum that I wanted 6 children, or at least 4 - and things didn't turn out the way we wanted.  

I imagine that most only children must wonder what it would be like to have siblings and wish they had some.  That is perfectly natural.  But we as parents mustn't feel guilty that we haven't been able to do that for them, if that is not our choice.  Life doesn't always give us what we want but we have to make the best of what we have.

In my last job, several of my colleagues only had one child.  I don't think any of them had made a conscious choice to have just the one, but that is how it worked out for them.  There is this textbook image of the 2-parent, 20-child family, but when you look around, a lot of people don't fall into that category.  Perhaps one-child families need a higher profile, so we don't feel like we are somehow a deviation from the norm, and those who only have the one child because of circumstances beyond their control need not feel inadequate or guilty because of it.

What do you all think?
Essex Girl x


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

Hi hope you don't mind me popping in  

Families now come in all shapes and sizes. Our family is small but perfectly formed. I want more but can't have them. Other than that things are going great for us. I feel very lucky.

One friend did once ask if I wanted a "normal" family (she was then expecting her second). I haven't seen her since. The implication being that mine is abnormal made me   But thats not everyone and I'm sure she didn't really mean to hurt me (although she did).


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hello ladies,
Just a quicky as is late & I definitely need some beauty sleep, the more the better!
Anyway, some lovely reading from you guys!
Thank's for popping in Dizzi with your positive view of being an only child.  

Essex girl, I agree, I think single child families do need a higher profile. Unfortunately I don't have one friend with only one child, I mix among the 'very fertiles' and they all have 2-3 children! I wish I was surrounded by more single child families, I think this might help us as a family.

Spjulac, you are right families do come in all shapes and sizes. I was brought up in a single parent family, I have an older brother. My counsellor has pointed out some interesting facts after much talk about my childhood. I don't feel secure in a family of three, this stems from childhood, and is perhaps one of the reasons why I am struggling so hard to accept that I won't have another child. Also, I couldn't wait to 'get away' make a life for myself, and 'right all the wrongs' from my childhood. So far I have succeeded, good job, lovely friends, great relationship, nice home, beautiful dd, and...just need another baby, then can paint my picket fence white and live happily ever after!!! But life ain't like that, clearly!! But why is it like that for other people? OOh, 'scuse me, it was the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head! It does that from time to time, only with regards to IF though!

Gayn, you write so eloquently, the trials and tribulations of the journey that you have made as a family. I always find you so comforting, knowing that you have got through, and that ds is ok. In fact he's more than ok! Ds sounds like such a mature, sociable, likeable young man! Thankyou for sharing  .

I'm very tired, and can't think straight,will post again when I have a clearer head!

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

Hello,  I am not quite here yet, but nice to see an only child section as this is a unique section.  I feel that society expects everyone to have 2 children, and unfortunately the media still use this concept.  Most ads with families have the older boy and younger sister and mum and dad, but for many of this, that is not real life.  FF is the only place that makes me feel good about my situation.  I have looked up only child websites and they have been self help therapy sites for mature adults who feel everything that has gone wrong in life is due to being an only child!  I am so angered by this.  Iactually emailed the owner of one sight and told them how negative their site is an how determined it has made me todo DEIVF until it works!!

I have a dd who is 3.  She has no cousins, she is the onlychild in my family apart from my cousins kids who live over in germany and are 14 and 17.  I am undertaking IVF with own eggs at the moment, my last chance, hopefully togive me answers and maybe closure.  After that we want to do DEIVF and have spent a lot of time researching and talking.  I will drop in from time to time.

Thanks for being here

Jane

xx


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## *Lollipop* (Feb 1, 2007)

Hi Ladies how are we all,

Essex girl you really have a way with words...its little clips like that, that I think about when Im feeling sad and it brings me back up again..slowly but surely...

anyway the house has had a few viewings..just waiting for offers now... ...removals booked and dogs are booked ( we just need to re home the budgies and the guniea pigs and the tortoises oh dear not looking forward to that bit ) anyway will keep you all posted...
Thank God for this site and all my ff...this whole new process is hard at times as you all know just want to say thanks for being there girlies...take extra special care...xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

this is an old thread so i don't know if anyone will read this but it seems quite apt for me so i will type away. the adverts on tv drive me crazy as they always depict a family of 2 or three children. the Mail had an article recently, large two page job, written by a journo' who had lots of children - he was very pro large families and went on and on about how much better it is for the children if they grow up with loads of siblings ie more intelligent, etc - i wanted to SCREAM at him, for lors sake, not all of us are blessed with his wife's fertility. whilst it probablly dropped into her lap we on the other hand have to work mighty hard at it and more than likely still won't get what we want at the end. i recently attended a group councelling session at my acupuncture centre but decided not to go to another as i was the only one there with secondary infertility and felt awkward. listening to their stories made me very sad, i felt guilty when it was my turn to stand up and tell of my story, felt quite stupid really even though my pain is real to me. i turn 44 in december and know i will never have the second child i so long for; the thought of never meeting the other child and being able to put the face to the child i dream about it heartbreaking and i am emotionally having a hard time coming to terms with this. dh is 6 years younger than me and so his friends are at the stage of having babies including his sister so it is all around me although in saying that, alot of the girls i know my age and OLDER have had babies around me, naturally too and without barely trying so it had highlighted my predicament all the more. i cherish my dd more than i can find any words to express, i hate it when women ripe and fertile tell me ' at least you have one', they have no idea how it feels to pine for something they gave little thought in creating. mert is a darling and never asks for a sibling, infact she likes being on her own but it did sadden me recently when she commented upon my asking that the reason she never played with a particular toy was because she didn't have anyone to play it with, crushing words really, i felt so sorry for her. 
on a different note, i am worried about my periods as they are quite erratic the last couple of months, come on time but go on for about a week, this months even stopped for a day and then started again even though very little blood but blood all the same - i am thinking that possibly it is my age and i may have a meno' early? i feel very hormonal and depressed. my af's have always been so normal but this months is trickling on and on (nearly 9 days) - should i worry? hugs n all jox


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Hi Jo
I am not sure who else is reading, but just wanted to send you a big cyber 
Your DD will be fine when shes older, there are a few things that she will miss out on but on the whole only children are more confident & sociable, and never suffer from sibling rivalry!!
As to your periods stress & upset can affect them, the Gp can do some bloods to see what your FSH is and if its 30+ they will repeat it a monhth later, periods however need to be AWOL for a year to be classed as menopausal ( I think!)

Hope some of the other ladies reply too, wishing you lots of happiness with your DD & DH 
~Dizzi~


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hello kelway , big hugs to you honey, why dont you pop over to the moving on re: new board, there is a lot of us post there with an only child, hope we can all get through this together, look forward to hearing from you 

alley xoxo


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Girls- its been very uplifting for me reading these wonderful posts, you are all so right about how people think you should have more than one child. I have a DD who is 2 and concieved on clomid she was a wonderful miricle.
we had been trying for our second when she was 6mths, the clomid failed   i was diagonsed with early menopause(i was so shocked i felt sick)
Just got back from tx and had first IVF DE and i have had BFN  
That was our last chance with tx. My head is just so mixed up at the moment i feel empty. Like you know everyone is having there 2nd & 3rd.
I just keep moving myself away from these families, maybe i will over come this one day.All you seem to get of your friends when you having another one. Thankyou for letting me have this moan. im having a real bad day.
Sharon


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

hello

Said I would drop by from time to time.  As you can see from my post, I am now awaiting deivf.  I feel a lot better now i can forget about my fsh and ovarian failure.

Sharon - I am so sorry to hear about your deivf.  I am sending you a big hug.  I am sorry if you are not able to try again.  It is not fair that deivf isnt 100% guaranteed. I am sorry to say this but I blame my accelerated pof on clomid.  I was on it for 6 months and my fsh went from 10  (they should have given me ivf straight away) to 20 in 6 months!!  I did not exactly hang around after dd born, was trying within 12 months and I had had a c section.  POF sucks especially when  there is no warning or family history.  I thought 2 years ago at 35 I could fit another one in.  anyway, i am trying to be positive about deivf in Spain.

I am also moving on and getting used to life as a family of 3.  I actually sold all my dds babystuff as i felt it was holding me back.  I am devising copingstrategies all the time too and feelingbetter about only children.

take care

Love

Jane


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## elaine112 (Nov 14, 2008)

Hi

Don't know if I'm doing this right as I'm just new.  I am 37, going on 38 and have a 4 year old son. I am desperate to have another child, as much for my son as for myself.  I have just recently gone through ICSI, which failed.  Is it so wrong to feel upset and sick when I encounter new babies and pregnant women. My family and my husband's family (who all are very fertile and have had 2-3 children very quickly) don't understand I can't see the new baby in the family as I just want to burst into tears.  People just expect you to pull yourself together as you already have a child but I am struggling to do this.  I take it after reading these e-mails that I am not the only person in the world to feel this way, which makes me feels a bit reassured.  I just want to show all these people these e-mails, so they realise this is not unreasonable behaviour.  The other thing is I have a 42 year old sister who has been through ICSI 3 times and failed.  She just seems to be able to get on with things, so I won't be getting any support there, especially as I already have a child and she doesn't.

Well thanks for listening to my rant.  Sorry it does seem as if I'm just full of self-pity and need to get a grip!


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi elaine112, i know how you feel. i am quite a bit older than you and have been ttc No. 2 for so many years now (4) that i react with immediate anger towards anyone who critises me; i am quite outspoken naturally to be honest and in an evil way get a kick out of making these people feel awkward. i just say quite simply the following ' how many children did you want' and they will say. then i say 'how many children do you have' and they will inevitably say the amount that they have. at that point i simply say you have NO idea how i feel and could only if you had not gone on to have blah blah children. voila. simple and to the point and it makes me feel better, and embarasses them. i am sick of being told how i should or shouldn't be feeling by well meaning women who have absoluately no compehension of secondary infertility. ask them of the joy they get from their 2nd child and then to imagine if that child had never existed, that shuts them up. i have all but given up now, i turn 44 in a couple of weeks, although my heart hasn't given up but i am resigned to the fact i will never know my other child that will never be born, just a faceless day dream in my mind, very sad really. i do feel sorry for your sister, unlike us, she does not know the joy and love being a mother to a child. our pain is different but still tough. i wish you all the best. don't give up, i still think you are nice and young!! jox


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi girls,
Just been reading your posts. Its so hard to get through this emotional anger towards others that fall pg so quickly.
I have been trying to get pg naturally, but im not holding any of my hopes up.

I went to one of my friends thurs for lunch and she has a 3year old and her 2nd is 9 months old. she told me how it was so nice for her ds to have a sister to play with, and this has changed him from when he was on his own.
I felt so numb inside, she knows what i have been through as well. (just so bl**dy tactless if you sak me.
Im not going to his birthday party in Dec, there just will be so many mums holding there 2nd child, and asking you when your having another one. I have just got to that point where i do not want to mix in and so others can rub it in. She was even going on about her husband having a vacetomy. where arent they lucky. then you get well i have been blessed with one of each.
Try and stay strong ladies, im with you all the way.


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

big hugs bella 64, i know how you feel. joxx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Jo

This one will make you mad, i took my DD to pre school in the week.
Got chatting to a mum and she asked how many children i had, i told her and she replied an only child a lonely child!
I was so shocked, how can someone say this that dosent even know you.  

I think then she was , and said to me i was only joking.
This had really niggled me all afternoon, i just could not believe what people come out with. 

Sharon


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi sharon, that has made me really mad having read what you wrote. i certainly would not have held back and looked her in the eye and had a right go at her in an articulate way, guaranteed to make her feel awful (just to make me feel better). people just don't think and assume we are all like them, able to knock them out like rabbits. my darling daughter never complains of being lonely and what i have observed is that with no bias she is the happiest child her age out of all the children i see, everyone acknowledges this, very unusual but she genuinely is really happy, infact, she always says she doesn't want a brother or sister (although i know she knows no better but would love it if she did). not having a great time at the moment, had a very early pregnancy loss the about one or two months ago and to add to the fun, i have had two af's really weird, bleed normal for about 4 days, stops for a day then for about another week very light bleed. seen gyni, had a scan, says its fine but i have to have anther scan in a few months, really stressing me out as i have not had this before, possibly related to early pg loss ? no idea, i have it now, feels like very very mild af pains and bit of brown when i look, wish it would leave me alone, feel quite fed up. sorry to rant. how are you?? i went to gyni (suspected i was pg, very bloated and odd tummy feelings but af was not due although cycle had been a bit eratic), did a test but neg. i went to gyni to see why i had had prolonged af bleeding (2wks), had a scan and there was a bloody gestational sac inside, cut a long story short, af came about one week later and that af was normal, the next one isn't (the one i am having now). xx


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Ladies,

Can I join you?  As you can see from my profile I am just at the tail end of the last ever 2ww and last ever IVF.  You may think I'm being a little premature coming on here, but I know my body so well after the last three years of IF and given that this cycle has followed EXACTLY the same pattern as my last failed cycle I know it is all over.  I test on Thursday, but it's a formality really.  I'm not being negative I just know it hasn't worked.

So here I am.  DH and decided before we started this tx that it would be our last shot.  The last three years have truly been the worst three years of my life.  In fact, last night, I was finding hard to remember what life was like before.  We were so happy and contented the three of us and I long to be back in that place.  In some ways I'm relieved to be leaving the hell of ttc behind.  I cannot bear the monthly ups and downs any more.  I feel like I've let life slip me by and day by day my little DS is growing up fast.  

So we are giving up.  I'm really hoping that 2009 will be a fresh start for us as a family.  I still get very upset, just like you guys, when family and friends announce their 2nd/3rd pregnancies and whenever I visit friends or families with tiny babies or pregnant mums, I always come home and cry my eyes out.  Seeing my little DS cuddling someone else's baby or playing with their toddlers and being so kind and protective still rips my heart out of my chest.  I just hope that at some point in the future I will come to terms with this enforced path I'm having to take.  

So if it's ok with you guys I think I will be posting here from now on.  Love and hugs to you all.

Pand


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

pand - all i can say is me too - test on tues, last ever chance and just know this hasn't worked, and struggling .......... 
love janine


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## Keira (May 18, 2005)

Hi Ladies

I never realised this thread was here .... so glad to have found it.    I had not really been posting recently but still always checking on FF.    I had felt for the last year or so that I had no thread to post on.      I decided to stop TX last June and really felt I had come to the end of the road with IF.    I was surprised at how I felt, a lot more content with my decision than expected.    My ds has now just turned 6 and I have moved away from Toddlers Groups etc and that does make things easier.    I also think that everyone just thinks I made the decision to only have one kid (how wrong they are) and now he is 6 everyone stops asking when the next is coming along.    Now I always found that question difficult to answer as you will all understand.

So glad to have found you ladies in the same position .....

Kx


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

Hi Keira, great to hear you have got to that point where people arent asking anymore - its so tough isnt it ?
at the moment I have people ask when we will be trying... and if not can they have my baby clothes ! cheek ! it would break my heart to see all the little bits I saved in hope of another on the baby of someone else, so would rather charity shop it all, and not see it if you know what I mean, anyway in the great scheme of this heartache called "fertility problems" where the clothes go is not really that important, waffle waffle .... 
Nice to see you found this thread
Janine xx


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

janine, pand and kiera, hi ladies, best of luck to the two of you testing, i hope it has worked for you both, you never know. everyone that knows me knows of my infertility but if someone who didn't know me asked how many children i had i always say one dd, if they were to say anything i would jump down their throats, that is where i am at - i accept as much as i can that it is the three of us, i love the life we three have but still long for my other dear poor baby who face i doubt i will ever see. i recently had an early pg loss, the only that i know about in four years of ttc No. 2 and if i think about it it breaks my heart. yesterday to make dh happy his bf came round with his partner and their new baby, she cried alot which half acted as a contraceptive (made me in part relieved i don't have a baby - watching the first timers fussing around the baby worrying why she was crying) on the other hand it made me very sad inside. they wanted to borrow my vintage high chair which we still have in the loft and i did agree although fortunately they haven't taken it away yet, i think if and when they do actually come for it it will break my heart although i didn make it clear it was not for keeps, only a loan. i am surrounded by girls i know of who are walking around with second or third baby which they conceived pretty quickly after deciding they wanted it and there is me, four years later and still empty arms (not including my darling dd obviously, you know what i mean). i was quite hurt actually ad dh's bf wife said to me when talking about my longing for another 'myrtle is lovely though' or something like that which basically translated to me that she felt i needed reminding to love my dd - why is it we are made to feel we have to constantly justify and explain that we do love our first born, we just want another, none of them had to prove their love for their first child to justify having a second. my longing for another is not because i don't love my dd enough;, on the contary, us secondary infertility mothers dare i say it , yes, we love our children MORE than them, this i really feel may be true, as we really do appreciate what we have and know how unbelievable precious our dear darling child is. they would spit venom reading that but only the mother of one would truly understand my comment and know it probably to be true, the love we feel for our child is very different than the love you have for your 'children', i stand stead fast by that comment. i must go now but hugs and luck to all of you joxxx (i am very hormonal at the moment, could you tell LOL).x


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

jo you summarised how I feel perfectly when talking about how people point out that you have a lovely DD already - as if that negates my longing ? or I didnt notice how totally amazing she is !!  
Janine xx


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Kelway,

I remember you from the secondary thread.  And hun, I stand fast with you too.  When you have been through as much as we have you can't help but be so flipping grateful for the child you have.  I just feel I have so much love bursting to get out and I pour it all into my son.  I now know what a precious gift it is to be blessed with a child.  People who don't suffer from IF will always take it for granted, something we will never do.  I know my DS was a complete miracle.  Must go off out with my BF now.

Love to all
Pand


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Jo,
Sorry i have not been on here for a while, just been so busy with christmas round the corner. Im feeling better than i did. still really get upset like alll you ladies about having a second child. My DD is not yet at the age where she dosent know about brothers & sisters. 
Something really wierd has happen over the last few days. I never had a period for a whole year then just before my tx in sept i had a natural period, i was so delighted i thought they had completly gone. then this week i have just had another period, just  they are coming back. I was told by a specialist that i was coming up to menopause!! what a shock that was at 38.
So not sure whats what, very confusing we have paid out so much money on these tx. we have made our minds up no more for us.
 for a miricale. sorry to go on. 
Anyway how are things with you? hope your feeling better after your sad loss hun 

Sharon


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi sharon, what made your gyni say you were approaching menopause? sounds like a sweeping statement to me; gp's inc mine seem very free with offering that one whilst my gyni's insists i am not and i am a fair bit older than you; my ex bf was told she would not have an af anymore and has since naturally (same age as me) gone on to have not second child but a bloody THIRD without even trying, alright for some. as for af's, mine too has been really weird last three months, turned out i was pg (early stages) and then came on (saw a sac on the screen and had only gone to gyni for a check up scan so you can imagine the shock i had), anyway, at least my body knew how to get that far, best in four years of ttc! my af's come alot sooner and then linger for much longer ie 3/4 days normal flow then seem to stop but start up again for about 5 days of very light brown spotting. it could be hormones or peri menopausal or who knows? glad your af's have come back. i keep being told all the time by well meaning people of someone they know who had been ttc for years and i mean years and then getting pg suddenly, seems this can happen quite often and because of my age it is all i have to hope for now, a miracle, you never know, it happens to some people eh, you too are probably like me i am sure, in praying for one of those miracles we are so often told about. i can't believe my body managed to implant and for there to have been a sac but, i thought i was pg too as i felt so pg but my bloody af came even before i could experience the joy of doing a positive pg test. all around me i have to see women i have known of for years popping out their second or thirds, waitrose is the worst for me, i always see ripe with pregnancy women in there, i recently felt so pg and would have been about three months by now if i had not come on, my eggs are for sh*t!! enough already. you hear about bodies of older women sometimes having a last ditch push at fertility; i go to a gym now a few times a week for a damn good thrash out and i am sure that has possibly kick started my body in some way? hopefully for hte better. mert (dd) has a really bad dry persistant cough which is stressing me out, i can hear her up there coughing as we speak, this upsets me. sorry to waffle, all the best joxx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Pand

Just want to say hello, and give you a warm welcome to the thread. I was so pleased to find this thread, it has helped me a lot.
I went for DEIVF in oct and got a BFN, i felt so depressed and   for weeks. then came to this thread to these wonderful ladies

You do get very diffficult days, when you find the whole world is asking you about having more children it sends you complety mad.
What amazes me where does it say you have to have more than 2 anyway?
Its so true nobody knows someones situation, before jumping in head first.

Sharon


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Jo, im so sorry i have just read your last post. Try and hang in there hun . I know its so hard all this c**p.
I was on fertlity drugs (menopur) for 5 months. and they could not stim me. barley 1 egg. spent pounds & pounds on this and every month a big fail. Then i changed clininc and there they told me my FSH was 66!! and i had a very low ovarian reserve. And he then told me i was in menopause. I was never sure i was though.
My doc has just repeated my FSH and its 11.1. what a difference, i know they can go up down like yo yo.
I think half of them talk rubbish. They just dont know what to tell you next, they run out of answers.
Im going back this week to get a day 21 blood test to see if i am ovulating. I want to know whats going on with my periods.

I know what you mean about all these pg women, i have to face all that at pre school in the morn. there is one lady who has just had a baby, i try so hard not to look at the baby. Its so painful inside. I just try and not mix with these women who brag on and on about all there lovely little pregnacies. And how quick it took them, just by looking at it one night under the sheets!!
take care sharon


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## jojomama (Dec 2, 2005)

hello ladies, mind if I join you?  I am really struggling at the moment after suffering a missed miscarriage last week after our 5th ivf cycle, I am completely devastated, dh is too but keeping it together as I've fallen apart, I'm on anti-depressants for the first time in my life, cry all the time, feel so hopeless & overwhelmed with grief and sadness.  We really don't have it in us for more treatment, we are drained physically, emotionally & financially & it would mean even more tests investigations etc, it's just so hard to cope with the loss of this baby & any more babies ever all at the same time.  Our dd is our world, we are of course so full of love for her & so blessed & thankful, she is our comfort & our joy but we still feel immense pain at not being able to give her a sibling.
Sorry to be on such a downer & so me me me me me but feeling at such a low ebb.


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi jojomama, now LISTEN HERE, stop beating yourself up about 'going on and being me me me', you are totally entitled to feel and be the way you are. i know how you feel although i never even got as far as a missed miscarriage, i have been ttc No. 2 unsuccessfully for nearly 4 years and only recently had a VERY early pregnancy loss (didn't even get to the stage of a positive pg test), had a scan about something else and by chance there was a sac, ii did feel pg though, but af came about two weeks later. i have had a missed miscarriage, before i had my dd. do you hate the school run? i bet you do and for the same reasons. there are times when it is SO noticeable that i am the only one without another child, being made to walk slowly behind some fishwives pushing their buggies and discussing the pitfalls of breastfeeding etc is almost too much to bare.anyway, better go and tuck dd in, i love her so much, it is scary to love so much isn't it. she is standing here reading this miss clever clogs so i had better take her to bed. love and wish you all the best and you never know, miracles do happen, i still hope for one. joxx


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya

just popping in to send a big  

jojomama i can only echo what jo has said

its so hard thinking of you and anytime you feel the need for a me post you know where to come honeybun

big hugs to you DH and DD
Em


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

MoreHugs Ladies (((hug)))

As I have said earlier in the thread your child will not suffer being an only child.
having and not having siblings is full of pros and cons for each 

Look after you! your more important to your child than any brother or sister 

~Dizzi~


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## jojomama (Dec 2, 2005)

thank you all.

Saw counsellor at clinic today I was very nervous about going there again since it was there at scan last week they told me bubba had died (can't believe was only last week feels a life time ago) but, it was good to talk & cry & say all the stuff I can't even say to dh, bit by bit I feel I'm getting there & I know I won't feel quite so desolate forever.

kelway - yes hon I do dread the school run & the buggy brigade, the whole IF & loss stuff has really knocked my confidence & enhanced my sense of failue which is something else for me to chuck in my sackful of resentment!!  Even well meaning friends say insensitive things & I have quite a few friends planning 2nd & 3rd babies at the mo too.  Sorry about yor losses hon, they are painful however far along you are & however long ago.  How will you ttc next time? 

heffalump - ta hon, zachary is gorgeous

dizzi - thanks - I know siblings aren't the be all & end all, mine's schizophrenic & lives in oz!!  we're not close


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi jojomama, try and have a good weekend. my best time is spent at weekend with dd and dh and i just love it, always hard when venture out of the front door as protected inside. where ever we go ie supermarket and of course child play places. i remember when the other year we went to norfolk, the three of us, rented a cottage and it seemed that literally EVERYONE (i made a point of looking) had AT LEAST two or three if not four, poor old mert playing on the beach on her own but she is always smiling, never seen a child who smiles as much as her; she said to me from nowhere yesterday that it would be fun to have a sibling so to keep trying (bless, she has no idea of course at 5 years old how they are made) but added that if she never has one she doesn't mind as she is quite happy as she is - i could have cried there and then. off now to do the darn school run, which i hate with a passion but some days more than others. anyway, try and remember you aren't alone and that when you are continually accused of being unfair by well meaning women who do not have infertility by saying you are wrong to be ie resentful on hearing of others pregnancies and that at least you have one already, just remember that you ARE normal to feel how you do and are not alone. ps: just got back from the school run and made to walk slowly behind two buggy pushing fishwives and (seriously) had to endure their conversation on (quote) how most people seem to have three children these days.  OFF (am i allowed too swear in code? if not sorry, but bloody nora, i really didn't need to hear that. on a happier note, have a lovely weekend, joxx


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

one of my few remaining friends (same age as me, 43) has just told me she is pg. the thing that makes this almost unbearable, as if it isn't bad enough, is that she has three children already, desperately didn't want another but she is in a new relationship in honeymoon phase, he is alot younger and was DESPERATE for her to have another child, i always knew she would give in. the thing that makes this terribly hard for me is that she has PCOS and yet despite this she can at the same age as me get pg immediately, and i mean immediately as i saw her recently and she wasn't and was still adamant that she wouldn't give in to him. in the four years of my ttc unsuccessfully for No. 2 i have been literally surrounded by women my age and OLDER who have naturally and with no effort achieved what for me is unthinkable. she is overweight too and eats all the wrong things whilst i am very slim, go to the gyme 2/3 times a week blah blah blah. i am in shock actually as she now joins the box where all my other friends have neatly been put out to pasture as i just can't see them. she always knew that if she fell pg i would not see her, she used to dig me about it, she is not the most sensitive of people although i have enjoyed my friendship with her over the years and yet no way can i be around her. she has no idea of infertility and now that she is pg, she will be very painful to be around as she would be moaning about being pg too, she always hated being pg. i was reading her notes on ******** and she is moaning about it there already, going on about 'getting the alien inside her out so she can go clubbing'. i am sure she is joking, mostly but for me to read this, i feel like freaking, my heart feels such pain and i was in a good mood until i read her email. i wrote back a nice congratulations response. she said in her mail to me that she thought i would be angry with her, i said in my response that i am not angry with her, more for the short straw that i seem to have drawn. i feel so bad. xx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Jo,
I know what you mean about your friend and getting pg, its so annoying. I had a conversation with DH about eating properly and doing everything by the book. He said there are women out there of all sizes falling pg, that even drink and smoke.
I really carnt remember the last time i had a drink, im worried if i have a few it will mess things up for us.
Silly i know but that how it gets to you in the end.

Like i said before all the girls i know have all now finished having there familiy of four and more.
I have become terrible when i go out and see women with bumps, i just curl up inside it hurts so much.
We are still trying naturally even though i have been told that the chance is slim. Its worth every shot in the dark.

Jo i hope you soon feel better, try and not let this get to you hun.

Sharon.


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

thanks sharon, fingers crossed for your too.i feel stupid to still hold out any hope seeing i turn 44 next week but i will still try all be it in vain. xx


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## donn1 (Jan 17, 2006)

hi to all

kelway i to have had friends,

who have had babies and especially one who had three in the space it took me to have one, yes i was mad and felt all so unfair, 

however when i lost my ex husband this yr they were all their for me  even tho we were separated he was a huge part of my life for 21 yrs.  i had loads of hassel from his family when he was very ill and on a ventilator.

my own parents dont keep well and i would never dream of asking them to come to hospital with me, they were their to look after my son in my time of need,

my friends who i was so jealous of were the ones who looked after me and sat with me all thru the night, 

what i am  saying is yes its hard but dont cut these people out of your life as they , if they are true friends which i am sure they are, even if insensitive at times to u or i are the ones who will be their for u, at the end of the day they dont have a clue what we are going thru both physically and psychologically and only we do, and sometimes it does get to us and probably more times than not, we are here for u and understand completely and u in some way have to try and forgive their ignorance and insesitivity.


lindsay1


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Jo- You are not to old at 44 to concieve a child, I know many women who have got pg at that age.
It does happen and will for you hun.

When i went to the doc he said to me dont worry your still young, like i had all the time in the world!!
I just sat there and thought why is he saying this im not that young, then they tell you that your fertility declines in your late thirties.

I need to have progesterone day 21 and this falls slap bang on xmas, what luck is that!
So i have to wait for another whole month to test, yikes this drives you crazy.

Sharon


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi lindsay1, sorry to read of your loss, it must have been and still is very hard for you. re your note to me, i take your point, makes sense even though hard. i have already decided that i don't want to lose that particular friend and have told her so as hard as it will be around her; the other three friends that i can think of that i have lost through the same thing i think the friendships were no good really anyway so no great loss, perhaps apart from one, that one breaks my heart but it is complicated and the girl in question was always high maintenance and part of me thinks i am better off away from her but i still think of her pretty much everyday, sad really. all the best to you and thanks for your response jox


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi sharon, thanks for your response. i know a fair amount of women do get pg naturally mid forties and i too had at least begun the early pregnancy as there was a sac but as usual the pregnancy test was neg and i came on a few days later, this has probably happened a fair few times over the last four years. it is just so hard how some women are so fertile in direct comparison to ie myself. i love my life and what i have and would hate to think my dd thought my longing for another was some how a reflection on my not loving her enough. i try not to talk of my IF infront of her, i don't talk about it much anymore anyway on a daily basis and i do occasionally talk to her about it and tell her that even if there was a miracle and i had another that i would always love her more than anything, which i would, she would be my special first born but i do worry that at the back of her mind may be that troubling her, children are complicated the way their sensitivities can trouble them.sorry, i am rambling. i think my recently getting pg (for as brief as it was) was down to my going to the gym regularly, something i have done since about june/july and surprise surprise, i am off down there now!! (i find it terribly boring though ZZZzzzzzz). all the best joxx


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