# Someone please tell me that what I'm feeling is normal!!



## angie72 (Mar 16, 2005)

Hi, 

I haven't posted on here much and certainly not recently but today, 3 years after my 3rd & final IVF failed, I'm feeling right back at the beginning of the despair.  My strength has failed me, I really need to scream and I am just so angry!

Why today?  Well today my very best friend had a baby, her first.  I love her to bits and hiding beneath all my anger & bitterness is a very good friend who is delighted for her - but she is struggling to get out cos she is drowning in tears.   

How do you cope with this - it hurts so much it takes my breath away and I just don't know how to deal with it - I can't run away and hide, I have to face it but it's so hard.  I've surely dealt with enough - can't I just curl up a ball and pretend this isn't happening?

This was supposed to be a good year, I had hoped to get to Christmas and notbe the miserable person that I've been for the last few years - but it started badly.  Discovered in March that I had severe endometriosis - so would that be why all my cycles failed then!  What a waste - and now there is no money left to try again.

Will it ever stop hurting?  Will I ever stop thinking about it?  I keep waiting for that day but it never comes - as soon as I start to feel a bit better, something happens and I just come crashing back down.

Just needed to talk to people that understand - pretending is just so exhausting sometimes!

Thanks for listening.

Angie


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Angie,

I couldn't just read and run, it's so obvious how much you're hurting.   
I've never been able to afford IF tx but having just endured a really wierd cycle when something might have happened but then I lost it (oh, those hateful bfns on those pee sticks!), I can understand some of what you're feeling. 
Yes, you're perfectly normal. And what you're feeling about your friend is normal, too. I think you're very brave for even wanting to be delighted for her - on any level. 
I don't think you should pretend to be OK. It's not possible. 
Angie, you need to let some of your feelings out. Is your partner there to hold you? I think it's a question of getting through from day to day and trying not to think too far ahead. I know what you mean about Xmas, though, when I had this mad, mad thought that I could be pg, I was wondering whether you could get a baby to be first Xmas decoration!
Look after yourself. Shout and scream if it helps. I did!
Take care,

Rowanxxx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Angie as Rowan said - it's very normal!
Once you accept it's normal then you can stop punishing yourself and treat yourself kindly.  Accept you are in mourning and then your feelings and emotions will become more understandable.
I still put my 'i'm fine' front on for my family, but now everyone else knows how i'm strugging! (been off work since Sept after 4th -ve and severe ohss and still NO ANSWERS!)

Angie you need to tell people how you are feeling and maybe you need to see a counsellor?  Internalising your feelings all this time does not help - you are burying them until something happens and they will EXPLODE!
We''re all here for you!!!!!!!!!


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## miawallace (Sep 29, 2008)

Hi Angie,

I've felt exactly what you're feeling so many times-2 years ago my husband's brothers and sisters produced 4 babies in 2 months.
I was climbing the walls, especially as his family are very close and all live round the corner from us-there was just no escaping it!
Then last year 2 of my closest friends had babies in the same month-it seems to happen a lot.
I guess I'm at the age where people have babies (except me of course-we've been trying for 10 years with no joy).
I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep at night, hating myself for feeling jealous and almost disliking someone who was pregnant.
It seems so unfair that in today's society we're expected to celebrate lavishly couples who can have babies of their own, usually at quite an expense, not to mention forcing smiles on our faces when our hearts are breaking inside.
I even had to stop going on forums like this and the support group I'm attending, becuase I just couldn't face it when yet another friend I'd made fell pregnant-of course I'm happy for them, but every time it happens it feels like a punch in the stomach-a constant reminder that I'm unable to be in their position.

But I've spoken to other people in our position, and what we feel is perfectly normal-anyone would feel the same emotions.
I agree with you-Christmas is one of the hardest times of year for me.
It's a children's holiday after all, and it's really not very special when you can't have children of your own.
As much as I love my husband, it always feels like there's something missing when all you see are toys in all the shops.

My husband doesn't understand why I get so upset at times, but I think men deal with things differently to women.
He never talks about his feelings, or at least not in any great depth, so it's hard to know if he feels the same pain I do.
It does mean that I try not to show him how much I'm hurting at times, as seeing me get upset upsets him, and in his case it comes out as anger-he can't usually cope with it and goes off in silent mode.
Sometimes that's worse than the original cause of upset-I just want a cuddle and for someone to tell me everything's going to be alright!
To try and cheer myself up, I usually start by going on a few of my favourite websites (www.i-am-bored.com www.cracked.com and www.horseheadhuffer.com. They are all really stupid, but they make me laugh, along with doses of QI and other panel shows. Oh, and a good cuddle with my cat really helps too!)

Things never completely get easy-some days I feel good and can cope just fine, other days I don't even want to get out of bed.
People who aren't in our situation don't understand, but I posted a fact sheet in one of my other posts that I recieved when we went through IUI which I thought was very helpful to waft in front of people closest to us, to remind them that what we are feeling is as real as if we had lost a person in our lives. Here it is again if it's of any help: *http://tinyurl.com/2b8ayru*

We're all feeling the exact emotions as you, so don't feel alone any more-we should come on here and have a rant and post suggestions about how to feel happier again more often (Thank goodness for LOLCats!!)
And here's one of my favourite YouTube vids to cheer you up even more-hooray for Stephen Fry!: 




Contact me anytie you feel down-we need each other to get through this crappy time.


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## angie72 (Mar 16, 2005)

Thanks everyone - am feeling slightly calmer now!

Mia - I am dealing with something like 3 babies born in 3 years - how on earth do you handle 4 in 2 months!  You must have incredible strength to deal with that - I'm not sure I could have coped.

The added difficulty is that hubby has 2 children from marriage number 1, so although he does understand how I feel up to a point, he can't possibly really understand as he has the children that I so desperately want.

I try to be positive and treat every obstacle as another hurdle to overcome on my road to recovery.  I suppose this was the biggest thing since my treatments failed, other people around me have had babies but this one just seemed to be the closest - she was my 'partner in crime/drinking buddy' back in the day and she's now moving on to something that I can't share with her.

Anyway, it's nice to know that my feelings are 'normal'.  Sometimes it feels like people forget or think that I should be over it by now - but in fairness I think that comes from me - I find it really difficult to tell people that I'm not ok and just tend to give the impression that everything is fine and I'm not really bothered.  The only people that know how I really feel are are my mum and hubby - perhaps that's something I need to work on!

Thanks again, it's good to know that this thread is here when it all gets too much and I need to just let it all out.

Angie
xx


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## JenMH (May 4, 2010)

Angie - It is soooo hard, isn't it, when your friends keep falling pregnant, and then they say stupid things like 'You shouldn't leave it too much longer you know'.  My confidante through all this decided to try  for a family and fell pregnant within 3 months, even though her cycles were sometimes up to 50 days.  I found it very hard to feel happy for her, as it was like a dagger in my heart.  She sits opposite me at work, so I have a constant reminder.  Then another friend fell pregnant and delighted in telling everyone that it was completely unplanned.  Another friend only took a couple of months to conceive.  It feels like this exclusive 'baby club' that I can't join.  

I found this site really helpful when I was at my lowest, crying at absolutely everything and feeling totally alone, as it makes a difference to know that other people share our feelings.  I also found counselling really helpful, although it can feel a bit weird at first when you sit and talk about yourself for an hour!  

I hope you find that your down times get fewer and your happier times come along more often.  

Jen x


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## FBbaby (Jan 16, 2010)

Hi Angie, 
Gosh do I know what you feel as I am going throught the same feelings at the moment and it does take it out of you doesn't it. 

2 weeks ago, I had the news I just knew would come but dreaded so badly and prayed somehow would not happen. It did, I had the call from my ex to tell me that his girlfriend was pregnant. What makes it so hard is that both of them are not in a position to welcome a child. She has two children who spend most of their time with their dad because 'she can't cope with them' and my ex and I have two children for whom he is more of a babysitter than a dad. They both don't work, my ex doesn't support our children and never really has (even when he did work), and I highly suspect they are benefit cheats (but can't contemplate reporting them at the moment as couldn't face the consequences). Both are 38 and my ex has health issues and not a healthy lifestyle, yet nature granted them with the most beautiful gift one can get. I handled the news which I knew was coming, but what did feel like a stab in the wound is when he said that it was an accident and wasn't planned which I know is untrue as she has been asking my kids for some time how they would like if she and their dad had a baby together... I try not to think about it, trying to rationalise all my negative thinking, but it is hard when my kids come back from a day there telling me all about the pregnancy with excitment in their voices... they have been asking me for two years now about giving them a brother and sister, how can I explain that I am trying so desperately, that I would love nothing more, but that it is not happening. 

I am also going through the realisation that every single person with whom I have communicated, shared our ups and downs, fears and hopes, the ones who helped me cope with infertility because they were in the same predicament and 'understood' have all fallen pregnant. It has reached the point that I can't even feel any happiness for them, it is just another stab in the heart. Of course, I feel guilty. At the beginning, even though I inevitably felt jealous, I embraced the news, feeling happy for the person and telling myself it was proof that it was worth fighting, but after over 10 that go on to the next stage and leave you behind, it gets much more difficult to see the news as positive rather than nurturing the bitterness that engulfs you. As a result, all I feel like doing is protecting and retreating in myself, but of course, keeping it all for yourself is hard too. 

Just one thing I picked up from your first post saying that it was easier for your partner as he already has two children. I think it  might more of a man vs woman thing as in my case, I am the one with the two children already whilst my partner doesn't have a child. I know he would love to be a dad, yet he is managing to take the whole thing pragmatically getting on with his life normally, knowing that he would be delighted if I fell pregnant, but fine with the prospect that we might not have a child together. I am the one really struggling with it. I am so aware of how lucky I am to be a mum to two perfect children already, but it doesn't take away the uncontrollable desire to have a child with the man I love so deeply. 

In the end, dealing with our feelings so they don't overwhelmed us is demanding enough, we might have to accept that we don't have much left to pretend to want to share other's happiness. I have just found out my long term buddy is pregnant again and I just cant scream yipee. I have already been through it with her once, was there for her through all her turmoil when she wasn't sure the pregnancy was progressing properly even though I felt jealous that she at least had the chance to believe that it might happen, this time, I just can't do it. I wrote back to her yesterday that I was trully happy for her, but that I was struggling at the moment, but this morning, she emailed me again to tell me the line was getting darker and I just couldn't deal with it and deleted her message. I feel terrible, really terrible and if she was the first, I would make the effort, but there have been too many before and I just can't do it anymore. 

Like you, I want it all to end. My head seems ready to move on but my heart just won't accept it. Like you, I think I am doing better and getting there and some news or event will hit me and I will feel right back to scare 1. I have reached the point where I am not as desperate to have a baby as I am desperate for the pain to go away even if it means never having that baby. I just want to move on and focus on the beautiful blue sky that is my life without only seeing the small back cloud every time I look up. I too wonder when it will finally get better for good.


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