# Three m/c, high FSH and when allowed to cycle a BFN post IVF, feeling crushed



## cassie5 (Jan 4, 2012)

Hello,

Sorry in advance for the negative post  

I just found out today that our IVF had failed. I was adviced that given my m/c history ( two natural BFPs, one third clomid) and my age (40), IVF was the only solution. I knew the odds weren't great, but i was still hoping so much, was so excited, even dreaming of twins. Then came the call, hcg below 3, stop all meds.  

I have spent all energy on this, neglected work, so expensive. Now i am just sitting here, my tummy full of bruises from the clexane, my bottow sore from all the prontogest injections, gained so much weight and am just feeling so empty. The only thing i want to do is to try again, but apparently i need to wait 2-3 months, if we can find the money and my fsh levels decide to play ball.

Not sure how to pick myself up from this. If anyone has any tips on how to pull myself together or any success stories, i would so very much like to hear it...

Big   for anyone who needs it.

C xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

massive hug for you cassie.

sorry i haven't any tips to help really i am not sure there is much i could say that would make things any better right now.

however i will tell you of something i thought about before i started IVF, in case it is any help. 
I had been absolutely certain that my life would be over if i couldn't have a baby, and that i couldn't face my life being over.. etc. I was in a pretty miserable place. Then i realised i was 'going to die' anyway. The person i have been up til now, is over. There will either be a 'new me' who gets to be a mother or a new me who can't ever have a child but either of these people, isn't the person i have been up to now. The fear will be gone, i will have to deal with the reality i have. It was very weird because you'd think deciding you were going to die would be a terrible thing but actually once i got my head around it i just felt this relieved, empty space feeling.. that i should just 'put my affairs in order' and wait to see which way the dice fell. It wasn't much fun being constantly on the rollercoaster of hope and despair, i didn't really achieve much. I can imagine myself now, writing an epitaph for the person i have been. Then i guess once i am the other side of the treatment, a new me will be born. They won't be like the old me, but then, they will have some things in common. I will be free to make up who that person is. I'll be 'dead', gone, and perhaps i shall mourn that a bit, but then the idea of starting over kind of appeals too. Obviously if i get to be a mum, that will be amazing, but if i don't, it is still going to be a new start. I can't stop it, or hang on to the past, or avoid this 'death' i just have to let everything go and have faith. It's a bit weird. I can imagine people reading that and thinking i have gone a bit loopy. But it is just one strange way of looking at things. 
I have always believed in reincarnation. I like the idea. I always fancied i would come back as something else. It took me a while to realise i could apply the idea of reincarnation to well, not quite completely dying, but, as they said in 'the best exotic marigold hotel'  - in the end everything will be okay if it's not okay it's not the end (probably not an original quote from there) .... i figure, if it really IS the end, the only way is up.


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## cassie5 (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi Goldbunny,

thank you for replying.   What you say makes sense, I think I just may not be ready to think that way yet. I am still in such a massive shock over this. I know it is silly, but I was pinning all my hopes on this and now I am just crushed. I  just feel so lost and really don't know how to start making steps to move on from here. 

Hopefully over the weekend I will be able to take a step back and think it through. How long did it take you to come to the state of mind you are in now?

C xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi there. I have had 3 negative treatments one ectopic a miscarrage and found out I have a chromazone problem! Each time I have wandered how I would be able to move forward with such terrible news. But you do! Give yourself time, don't expect too much from yourself too soon. Trust yourself that you have the strength to cope, cos you do! Xxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it just suddenly hit me one day cassie. i had been miserable for as long as, then suddenly i realised that if things really were that bad, they could only get better. I know it sounds a bit silly. But i think it's a bit like, the falling is the worst part, the thinking you will hit the bottom. Once you're there, lying on the ground in small pieces, there's really only left the option of getting up and sellotaping yourself back together. But nobody wants to hit bottom, because they're scared they won't get up again. Maybe it's because i have had a lifetime of disasters - that sounds like the wrong word, i wanted to put 'screwups' but it seemed impolite - i have become strangely resilient. Of course i haven't been in the position yet of losing a baby and i think, maybe, it's easy for me to say i would find a way to get up again, because actually, i might not, i don't know. But i am less afraid of falling down than i might be. 
have you ever read the book 'catch 22' ? there's a guy in it who appears to be a terrible, terrible pilot, every time he goes out in a plane it crashes. You'd think he was the worst pilot, but it turns out later in the story, that he's (the whole time) just been practicing crashing/baling out. So eventually he escapes the war (or tries to, i can't actually remember if he's successful!) by deliberately crashing and baling out - he can do it well because he's done it so many times. i know the phrase 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is a bit trite and sounds like the sort of thing people say who don't really understand how you feel, but oddly, looking back, i think the things that didn't quite kill me did make me more resilient. I have 'crashed the plane' enough times to know sometimes i will have to reinvent myself. i could be just a bit weird though. sorry about that.

ps this is my 'get up again' song although you probably aren't ready for it.


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## cassie5 (Jan 4, 2012)

Goldbunny, it sounds like you have had a really though time   , but are in a much better place now. I will pick up the pieces eventually, I guess I am a bit at the bottom at the moment. I might buy catch 22, think I read it ages ago, but cannot remember anything from it...

Coweyes, thank you  .  I thought I'd never be able to pick myself up after the last m/c, but I did, so guess I will be able to do it now as well. It is just so hard at the moment. Hopefully they will be able to help you now when they have figured out the problem. Why is this ttc journey so hard for some people? It seems we need to be superwomen not to be completely crushed  

C xx


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