# My new LCF coping strategy



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

To all of you, my FF soulmates, without whom, I don't even want to imagine.

I am SLOWLY coming to realise that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and have found myself by accident, with a new coping strategy, which I thought I would share with you, and I hope some of you find it could help you too.

Like all of you, I realise there is NO cure for this pain.  Not in the short term, nor in the long term.

However, I have stumbled across this "tool/coping strategy/thought process" for want of a better word which helps me cope with things a bit better and enjoy the "better" days.

Basically, I realise that we won't ever be "completely cured" of this pain.  8 weeks into my 9th tx failure, I am slowly realising that there will be bad days.  But, I can't and will not allow myself to hide away any more.  I am NOT letting this pain cause me to miss out on life.

I let the bad days come.  I put on the sad music.  I cry, I wail.  And then I get on with my day (next day).

This is helping me to enjoy children for what they are and not just to see them as a "commodity" that I can't have.  For example, my brother and SIL have a gorgeous, beautiful, angelic one year old with blonde hair, 2 bottom teeth and an amazing, comical personality!  At first, I couldn't be with my family and the wee one.  It was too hard.

However, I am pushing myself ......... and actually ...... surprisingly, finding I am enjoying building a relationship with her.  

I have accepted that there will be days when I can't cope with it ...... both now ..... and later.  And that's fine.  It's OK.  I can have a cry and allow myself to do it without thinking "This is beating me/controlling my life/... whatever".

The thing is, the "better" days, means I'm not missing out completely, on something wonderful.  
The "better" days actually allow me to enjoy the awe and wonder of building a relationship with a wonderful little girl and taking part in watching her grow up.  Even if it is just as an Auntie.

I think what I'm trying to say here is, if we push ourselves ..... whilst allowing ourselves to have those bad days, then we might all be able to find something wonderful, that we didn't expect.

Good luck to everyone,
All my love
Gill xx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Thanks for that Gill, I've heard something similar to that too, guess takes a lot of practice and will power but makes a lot of sense and I hope you have a lot more "better" days


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## Mairi (May 23, 2005)

Gill, its great to read about your coping strategy and you have hit the nail on the head. DH and I have bad days 
but we keep counting our blessings and realise we have alot to be thankful for. 

Between us we have 16 nieces and nephews as he has 3 brothers and I have 3 sisters, all with kids. This could make 
things hard but actually we absolutely love spending time with them. We seem to get unconditional love from them all 
and we can be the real cool aunty and uncle who spoil them. It does take effort but the returns are fantastic and really 
help the fact we haven't wee ones of our own. Also as some of them reach their teens now they can come and stay and
we really feel we are their friends. A relationship very different from parenthood but very fulfilling.

Enjoy your wee niece and maybe more will come along - embrace them.

love Mairi xxx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Gill,

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.  I can relate to alot of what you have written.

However, one point that struck me was your relationship with your little niece.  I totally empathise with you!  I have a three year old niece with curly hair and blue eyes (like me) and a temparement not disimilar to mine when I was little.  Like you I found it really hard to be around her when we were ttc and to a lesser extent when we were going through our trying to live child free stage.

I missed out on so much of her early life and just could not bare to be around her as it upset me so much and I didn't want to upset her or my sis.  I have slowly built up a really special relationship with her and am just glad she is still three years old...we have so much fun together and she always brightens my day.  

Wishing you everything you would wish for yourself in the future. 

Laine


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx for this Gill- am actually having my first bad week since i gave up treatment in April.I am slowly trying to prepare myself for my sisters having children and i have been planning to go and see a colleague who had a baby 3 mths ago- havent made it yet but the thought is there .

Me and dh havent been able to have our good days together as such. Usually when i am down he is ok and vice versa.We are having a hard time with our 14 yr old(she is my step daughter) at the moment and it is making me annoyed i think as i have missed out on her very early days(met her when she was 5) and might never experience holding my own baby.Also we never have any time alone- spending a lot of it giving her lifts places and cant really leave her with people for more than a night now as she gets"bored" and they may end up strangling her!!!

Maybe its just the winter blues, but we can all try anyway!! xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Gill and girls
Interesting reading and thanks for putting those thoughts acroos.....i understand about what you mean with better days and that we need to enjoy them...When you have the crappier days then thats just part of life...I keep looking at my pattern and see if i take things to heart as much as i used to..I look at how long did i have those down moments, which could have gone on for days. I then realise things must be getting better because those down days are getting shorter...thank flipping goodness...
I think you are brave along with all the girls on this thread because the reality of infertility is a tough one to swallow. So if we get through it somehow and see the good then we are very strong people and maybe it has not all been a bad expereince....
I hope you are ok Irisheyes you seem to have some real ups and downs, having a step daughter must be tough at times...especially when you are coming to terms with what is happening to you....you sound as if you do a very good job at it and thats the most important thing...take time for yourself because you deserve it.
Lots of love astridxx


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## Gill C. (Nov 14, 2003)

Hi,

I understand totally what you are all saying. We are just two weeks out of our last tx and perhaps things are still just a bit too raw at the moment. There is a "black cloud", but not as big as the last time - that def was my lowest of low point.

At the moment we are swinging between great sadness, a kind of disbelief and planning our future with excitement. I find myself quite buoyant then blubbing unexpectedly - crying and driving just don't go ! 

A friend asked if we were "getting over it" - no is the answer and I don't think that we ever will, though hopefully we will get past it and the awful hurt. I only hope that I don't become embittered about it or want to run away at every mention of children. We also have quite a few nieces and nephews, though thank goodness no-one is under the age of six anymore. Do dread them getting pg though as the older ones are of that age. I guess we take a deep breath and ....

I know that DH and I will have a fab life, that being just us will bring more oppurtunity of change, travel etc ... but I still hope. We said that we wouldn't go past my 40th year trying, which is almost at an end, but have decided to seek opinion elsewhere with tx and to look at adoption. Don't want to look back in ten years and wonder why we didn't, and think that to ask another clinic their opinion can't hurt ... and we can make a desicion from there. Don't think that we are putting off the inevitable, just want to know that we did try all bases, within reason.
Anyway, I ramble ... sorry. 

In a strange way, infertility and tx does make you stronger and once past the initial hurt and with things in better perspective does make you appreciate what we have. My belief, esp after all this tx and the hold that it puts on life, is that life is def for living and I am at that age, "life begins" etc. So heres to a fab Christmas and all that 2006 brings us.

Take care all,
Gill C.


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear All
Well, I think you are all wonderful to be able to cope... I just wish I could abide by the 'coping strategy'.
After about 10 years ttc I still find it hard to cope LCF. I can't come to terms with it at all. 
We have had 3 failed ICSI's and 1 BFP from ICSI which ended at 11 weeks with a m/c.
My DH has a 2 yr old niece and I've never been able to bring myself to see her. He is much stronger than me and can visit his brother, I can't. Luckily they live in another country so I have a good excuse not to go, but when they visit our area, I'm always otherwise engaged! This Christmas is the first time I've been able to go Christmas shopping for her with my DH... that was a big step for me, but I still can't bring myself to actually meet her... she was born a few months after our m/c child was due to be born, and I know I will look at her and imagine 'what if'.
I know I'm missing out, but I also feel I'm all cried out and couldn't cope with any more upset now.
I just wanted to say 'Well done' to all of you brave ladies who've got over such a big hurdle.
Love
EML


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Eml
I would like to say that you are brave also...you have been through a tough time and after a miscarriage it is a trumatic experince, especially even harder when you have gone through years of infertility. It breaks my heart that this happens to women like yourself who desperately want children.
Well done that you have gone out shopping this year for a pressie, that is a start. You can only do things in your own time and that comes with time...
May i suggest something have you thought about dropping your brother in law and partner a letter to explain why things have been hard. If you do not send it atleast you have written it down on paper and that is also start of a healing process...i think they will understand but if you don't think this is a good idea thats fair enough...It does take alot of guts but it is also a relief as i have just done recently and my mind feels better already...
I hope i don't sound as if i am preaching...
Goodluck and be a bit kinder on yourself...
Lots of love astridxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Astrid
Of course you're not preaching... its only ladies like you who know what I'm going through and all advice is gratefully received. I have wondered whether to write... but I know his brother and wife aren't very considerate (they stuck me next to TWO pregnant ladies at their wedding and I was opposite another couple who had just had a baby and who, on hearing my stock reply of 'Oh, no... no children... I'm a career woman' told me I was selfish! My SIL said that they thought I wouldn't mind sitting with them as they were my age group and as they'd tried for over a year to conceive, we had something in common!)... but writing it down anyway might just help me.
Good luck with your future endeavours.
Love
EML


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Eml
Oh my.....flipping eck i wouldn't send a letter too....
I cannot believe the actions of people especially the ones that you expect more from and who would understand your pain..that being family and close friends...somehow we forgive those that are just acquaintencies..
Its things like this and comments that you take along time to get over it really does hurt to the core...
If i was you i would think of you and your hubby and do not worry about the rest...If they care they will find a way....
I know this sounds slefish but this xmas, my DH and i are protecting ourselves and if no one likes it then tough...we are not doing anything that will make us feel worse...
Thats a relief, infact thats a good new years resolution...
All the best...
love astridxx


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