# Coping on my own



## Rob2006 (Jun 14, 2006)

Is there anyone else who in their relationship feels like they are left to cope with the childless issue on their own?
To keep it brief i am married, my wife has two boys aged 11 and 13 from her previous marriage, i am 35 she is 40, tried for 3 years then both had tests, i was told that i basically had no chance of conceiving naturally. IVF considered but as the children's father pays nothing towards them and i am the only one working full time we just could not afford it (I know people will say that if you are desperate you will find the money but believe me i have tried and we cant).

I went through a few months of utter dispair before my wife became bored of me moping around the house,bringing a downer on her and the kids, my mum was constantly worried sick about me and so i decided to put on a smile and pretend everything is fine.I now keep it all to myself.

Day after day i am reminded of what i don't have, I sit and watch the children playing football and cricket matches trying to imagine how proud i would be to watch my own child. Christmas is the same along with fathers day.

I love my wife to bits and get on with the kids (If i am honest i feel no love for them) but life is hard everyday. 

sorry for moaning but i feel the need to do it


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Rob

I am so sorry that you are feeling so raw at the moment. I don't have any answers for you I am afraid but just wanted to let you know that we are here to listen and help where we can. I am sure some of the others will be here later and will offer you their words of wisdom more ably than I can.

Be gentle with yourself.

Take care

Vicki


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## bib (Apr 17, 2007)

Hi Rob, sending you a big  

I know it is really easy to say, but try not to be too hard on yourself.  I think it is hard to stomach the likes of seeing people with their children and not being in the same position as they are.  I can remeber seeing pg women all around me and thinking not why them,  but why not me!!


Everyone deals with the effects of if differently.  I think that for as long as it takes, feelings need to be handled with kit gloves and with gret levels of gentleness.  But more importantly, those feelings need to be shared with each other.

We made the grave mistake of shutting down and not talking about it at all.  We each went through like an initial grieving process and then each in turn went up and down like yo yo's.  Eventually, we were really open with each other and laid everything on the line was to how we felt.  it was really hard, but once we knew just how low eah other was feeling, we were able to move on.

Have you spoken to you dw about how you are feeling now?  I don't know if by doing that it would help  or hinder the situation.  my dh seemed to be coping better than me, but it wasn't until he really opened up that i realised that he was just putting a bit of a brave face on it all.  Maybe your dw is just dealing with it the best way she can?

I don;t know the answer, i am just so sorry that you are feeling so low.  Keep letting off steam here and i am sure that lots of people will help in anyway that they can.

Take care

bib


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Rob, 

First, I am full of admiration for your posting. The sad truth is that we don't hear how you guys are very often, even though we know you must be hurting as much as we are. Good for you.

Second, I just want to say how much I respect your capacity to take care of your step children while suffering the sadness you do - that takes a lot of guts. 

Third, and the most dissapointing of the statements I want to make, is that there is no easy answer, no overnight solution that takes the pain away. All I can tell you is what has worked for me.... The companionship of people who understand how I feel really helps, so belonging to this online community is a good start. Meeting face to face is even better, so maybe it's time to seek out others in your situation. Working with a (good) counsellor can also be very productive, though not everyone is comfortable with this idea (I can help you locate an ethical one is you decide this is for you, just pm me)... In the absence of other human beings, writing for writing's sake, to get the feelings out, can be a real help. And there are some good books out there that might 'speak' to you about your circumstances; one that comes to mind is Sweet Grapes by Michael and Jean Carter, but there are others - do an Amazon search and see what comes up. There is also More to Life, part of the Infertility Network, an organisation for involuntarily childless people, that has meets, a newsletter and volunteer listeners. 

I hope something I've said touches home and gives you an idea... Keep in touch, and keep writing and talking with us here....

Love, 

MM xxx


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## renka (Apr 25, 2006)

Rob,

Just read your post.  I know how awful it is when you can't see a way out that's positive.  But I wanted to say there will be one.  Don't try and keep everything bottled up.  You must talk to your wife.  And talk and talk and talk!  I really believe it's only through talking and exploring every idea each of you has, that you will find a way forward.  You will find one but you need to work together.  Be honest, you can't live a pretend life.  You need a real one.  I'm sure this is what your wife wants too.  Wishing you the very best of luck in your search.

Renka


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Rob,
First of all welcome, you are among friends and people who really understand what it is to long for a child, their own child and see no way of that becoming a reality. Its such a lonely space to be in but as MM says there is tremendous strength and relief to be found in finding others walking the same path who really truely understand what you you are going through every day.
Stay here with us, feel free to write whatever you need to, no-one will judge, many will share you thoughts and we will all get through this together. 
Have you thought about getting some professional help to work through this? I am someone who is always a coper but have felt the despair you talk about and have found a counselor to help me deal with all the grief I carry with me every day. Its not easy but it is helping. She really encourages me to try and tell people just how awful I feel. Could you try talking to your wife, mother, a good friend and telling them just how bad this feels? 

Rob, you are so welcome to join our little team here. I do hope there will be others who can particularly address your question of being alone.

Take care MeganXXX


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Welcome Rob, great to have you on board. Like everyone says try talking to your wife. Our infertility is due to a condition my DH has and I know that for a long time he felt he had to be happy and positive as he was no use to me if he wasn't!! Now this was his way of thinking not mine. He ended up getting very angry alot of the time because he wasn't expressing his true feelings. I sat him down and told him it was VERY ok to be sad and to just let me know so I could help him. Now he does tell me and sometimes has a little cry and once I know whats wrong he kinda goes off on his own as he may open up but he likes to cry in private. I am sure you wife would be only to happy to be brought into how you really feel so she can help. Trust her and have a chat and see what happens.

We will always be on hand here to help you so ask away. Good luck and well done for finding us.


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Rob,

I completely understand what you mean. My husband has children from his previous marriage, and only really went through infertility tests and treatment because I wanted so much to have children. Don't get me wrong, he fully supported everything, but I know that the motivation was more about his love for me rather than any unfulfilled desire to be a parent.

I am very fond of his children - who are now grown up - but I have never been (nor ever will be) a parent to them. To be completely honest I wanted to be, because that seemed to be the only way I would ever get to experience the feelings of being a mother. But it wouldn't have been right. And I know I don't feel the same way about them as he does - but that is fine, because how could I? That doesn't mean you can't like them, care for them and worry about them - much as you would if you were their uncle for instance. You can still be an important role model for them - and this may be a lot easier if you don't try too hard. Don't expect to love them, and don't feel bad when you recognise that you don't. That is normal. I completely understand your point about things seeming harder because of them - they act as a constant reminder of what you don't have. I know how it feels.

If I could suggest one thing it is this - try to separate out your feelings over infertility from your feelings about the children. This is very hard to do, but as the others have suggested, if you can talk about it openly and honestly - either to your wife, or to a counsellor - then slowly you can start to make sense of it all and move forward.

Take care,
Solitaire
x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Rob- i am a step parent and have brought up my step daughter from age 4 (she  is now 16!) but we have had a lot of issues to deal with too- we have unexplained if and went thru iui x2 as we felt all we needed was a push in the right direction(as dh already had a dd). Sadly it didnt work - i was so devastated as although i DO love my sd i know it is not,  and never will be the same as having my own child. 
I know dh is aware of this and he understands but in our darkest days i was a bit horrible saying things like " well why should i do this -shes's YOUR daughter!!!" This was worse after our iuis failed as i felt that i would never have my own child.I would never have said it before all the treatment as i was very close to her.I think it was also worse because as well as failing in treatment we had hit the dreaded teenage years too (which wasnt helped by her mad mother butting in and wrecking what we had built up)- i felt really as if i was losing my sd as well as my own chance to be a mother.

I completely understand you Rob but like the girls say you should explain this to your wife. I suppose the way to look at it in the end is that she cant help that she had these kids before you- she probably does want a child with you but i dont think it can possibly be as strong a want as like me you are the one without kids. Maybe i am wrong,. In the end you will reach a decision- i had t decide if i wanted to stay and have  a "family " with my dh and sd or not have any at all. Take care and i hope you make the right decision for you.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Dear Rob,
I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through.
I married a man who has a 12 year old with someone else. He does not live with us, but his existence excludes us from NHS care. My husband's fertility problem now means that we do not even know if the child is his - but we do not feel it is right to "go there".
We are being assessed for ICSI at the moment, which seems hopeless if the truth be told. Luckily we can afford it. Typically what we need is going to cost 5 grand a try.

I feel very, very alone. My husband has said that I "keep going on about a baby" he has even said he doesn't know if it is what he wants now after 7 years of trying. My in laws, after going through 7 cycles of IVF with their other son, are doing everything in their power to discourage any fertility treatment. They say things like "you don't have a right to have children - you have to be blessed" - this does not make me feel better.

Everyone else is pregnant around us. It is constant. I cry quietly to myself all the time. I am not allowed to speak about the issue at home. My in laws have upset me so many times that I now stay completely off the subject of anything to do with babies/pregnancy and am in a state of heightened awareness of the subject being mentioned. Occasionally I am caught out and end up in tears. See the post below about insensitive comments.  

DH has categorically ruled out discussing using a donor. In laws say have you thought about adoption - well yes this is an option, but I need to experience pregnancy, a new born and feeding, if I can. I want to nurture a baby from conception and for my genetic line to continue - I am an only child and my parents do not have grandchildren. My in laws have DH's son and the other son got divorced, remarried and had a child easily with someone else.

I have no problem using a donor, if it is the only option. Of course I want to have my husband's child, but if that is impossible, we can still have a baby that is ours and love it. He hasn't given me any good reason. In laws say the other son and wife would not have used a donor - but they got a divorce!

They think it is OK to adopt a child that is 100% genetically unrelated, saying we would be on an equal footing - no we wouldn't - he has already got a son and I haven't. They refuse to accept a donor conceived child - 50% my genes - that makes me feel that they don't think I am worthy of reproduction - how dare they? I have put up with more than most would for his child. Why can't he do the same for me? There would not be an ex to loom over our marriage, as I have had to put up with.

I do not feel any love for my SS. Never been allowed to. He comes every other weekend. I care for his needs. Now he reminds me of what I don't have.
I have positively been told in the past to stay out of it by the in laws.
I am the girl who went to court to help DH get access, who has given up every other weekend of her marriage, who hasn't been on a decent holiday for years with her husband because of contact weekends, who helps pay astronomical CSA payments (allowing the mother to stay at home and not work and buy a house, while I work my socks off for the NHS that won't treat me because of her son).

I get ignored - I am the house keeper who is ordered to prepare meals and tidy up while daddy and son go out, play together or watch videos.
I can't bear Christmas, mother's day, family get togethers, going to the park.

I sit on the train after work at the hospital every evening listening to couples who have just excitedly left the scanning room with pictures of their baby, talking in very loud voices to all their friends on the mobile.

I could go on. 
I have got a lot of comfort from being able to talk on this board and get support from people who really understand. All of these things that I have spoken about here have been bottled up over the last 7 years. It is therapeutic to write it down.

Sorry it is long.

I hope you and your wife can talk - maybe counselling would help you to express your feelings. People who have children already cannot understand the gaping hole in our lives. Some of the leaflets for friends and family on the infertility network website are very expressive.

We will all help each other through this.

Hazel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Rob,

I just wanted to add my welcome to you here. Like the others, I do not have any easy answers, just some ideas that occurred to me as I read your post.

You are under a lot of pressure, you are the breadwinner for this family and feel that you have to shield your wife and the children from your sadness. On top of that you feel you have to protect your own mum from worrying about you. Please do not apologise for having a moan, you deserve a bit of "me time!"

I agree with what the others have said about how important it is for you to talk about your feelings with your wife. Maybe she finds it difficult to talk about your feelings, and perhaps her own too, because, just as your Mum worries about you, your wife probably feels very protective of her children. I guess this means that if you are to talk things through you need to find some space away from the children? Maybe you could enlist some babysitting support (from your mum?) so you can have some time together as a couple? I guess that because the children have been around since you met, this is a rare thing? You might also consider getting some support to talk things through by going to Relate (marriage guidance.)

I hope you don't mind me commenting on your feelings for your stepchildren.  As a stepdaughter myself who met her stepdad at age 11, I know that it can be a long journey to find love between step-relations. It must be especially hard for step parents who are struggling to come to terms with their own infertility. I totally understand that you so want a child of your own. However as time goes by you may find that you do love these children as part of your family. I know it is not the same as having your own biological child, but there are many kinds of love, all of them special in their own way. I think I finally learnt to love my stepfather and he to love me when we stopped struggling with each other about his role in my life and learnt to see each other as individuals, separate from our relationship with my mother. In other words he gave up thinking he should be like a dad and I began to see his good points rather than focusing on his failings as a father substitute. (I just hope that your SC do not turn into the teenagers from hell before you have the chance to find your own form of love!)

I hope sharing with us means you have at least one way not to have to "keep it all to yourself" as bottled up feelings are so hard to deal with. Do stay in touch.

Jq x


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