# Social situation dilemma



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Hi all.  I've got a situation coming up that I'm not sure whether to duck out of or not!  These days pretty much all my friends have children and one of my coping strategies is when meeting friends with children, just to do it on a 1:1 basis.  Then I feel in control and the conversation is two way.  I can't cope anymore in social situations where I'm the only one without children as I can't contribute anything to the conversations and I just stand there like a lemon feeling like I really stand out, especially if the children are there and they are all interacting with them, tending to them etc.  It just highlights it too much that it's a world I'm not part of.

I've got 3  friends who I've been friends with for 30 years and we rarely get together as we are all over the country.  My friend in the middle of the country has suggested a weekend where we all go to hers (she has a huge house) as it's central and we can properly catch up.  We did this 5 years ago and back then, one of them didn't have children so at least I could go off and talk to her a bit when it was child orientated.  She now has a 1 year old so me and my partner are the only childless ones.  We are doing treatment again soon and although I said I'd go to the weekend as I really want to see them all, I'm not sure how I'm going to cope for a weekend being surrounded by all the kids, seeing them all interact with their children and naturally talking about them all the time (2 are stay at home mums).  It's just so in your face and I feel wobbly just thinking about it.  It's just a very visual reminder of what I may never have and what I've been through. 

My partner isn't bothered about it as they aren't really his friends.  I did think we could always stay at a local B&B instead (though that will be expense!) to get some space but even going into a house full of children isn't what I'm thinking will be helpful (and then we will all go out somewhere child orientated during the day).  I did even think we could just drive up for the day though it's 3 hours so maybe not feasible!  I'll have a think still.  It's very rare that we get together but it's so hard with the child thing and my situation.


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## MadameG (Jan 13, 2012)

Hi hun, it's a really tough situation. I too feel increasingly isolated as the majority of my friends and family have children now, despite us starting way before any of them. I think it depends on how you are feeling emotionally at the time of the get together. If I'm in a fragile mind set at the time then I certainly wouldn't deal very well with it, especially with my more 'child centric' friends but if I'm feeling stronger and more positive, then it is nice to feel involved and to have a good catch up. 

I would say, take the pressure off yourself, you've already said yes for now but if it gets closer to it then don't feel obliged to go. No one will lose any money if you don't join them and it won't be the end of the world for anyone. Unfortunately, even very long standing friendships do evolve and some just peter out, but in time WHEN you have your very sticky bfp you may want to rejoin the group. If it gets closer to it and you feel excited then go for it. Have you talked about your concerns with them all? Are they supportive? Are you friendly with the other ladies partners? Perhaps you may end up chatting more to them! Worst comes to worst, you could always excuse yourselves and have a late night drive home. 

Hope it works out for you - social situations are a bit of a minefield when things haven't panned out as dreamed xxx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

It's a difficult one magic pillow 
Ultimately your first priority is to yourself, like u I  also mainly see friends one to one these days, and actually very few of them have children. But groups are just generally difficult. I spose its all the lighthearted  chatter and gossip really, about who's doing this and who's doing that.. You sort of realise how slowly life moves when your on the ivf hamster wheel. One to one you sort of feel more in control 

Personally I'd find the kind of event you are describing very difficult and I'm not sure if the pain of attending would outweigh any joy.. 
You just have to be 100% honest with yourself about your own limitations I think. 
I've missed out on a lot over the past few years, and I've stopped beating myself up about it. I think I've just accepted this is the hand I've been dealt and I'm doing my best. 
Good luck whatever u decide 
Xxx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thanks so much for the wise words and advice both of you.  I think you're right in that I need to see how strong I'm feeling then and if I think I can manage it.  I'd like to see them but there will be other times and my situation won't go on forever (as I'll either have had a baby, be going through adoption process or having to come to terms with it not happening).  Maybe we might go up for late on the saturday so I can have the evening with them all, a bit of sunday and then head home.  A few options to think about....

Navigating social situations can be a nightmare when you're childless!


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Hi,

Just wanted to say that I totally get where you are coming from and feel exactly the same. I only see people on a one to one basis when the conversation isn't just going to be about childcare. Thankfully a lot of my friends are very supportive and accept this. Although they do still invite me to social occasions (to be polite) they totally understand when I decline. 

I would perhaps do what you suggested and not commit yourself to staying overnight if you really want to see them or maybe you could make it into a mini break for you and your partner instead and just pop in to see them for a couple of hours while you are over there x


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Well the latest is that my partner double booked something with family so I'm going up there on my own now.  I think the plan on the sat afternoon is to go to the park with all the kids, then have dinner in the evening and then sunday lunch together the following day.  I've kept quiet so far but am going to say that I might not arrive until 5pm or so (as really don't think I can cope with all the kids at the park as I'll feel like a right lemon just standing there).  I also thought I'd go sunday morning and not stay for the sunday lunch.  I just find family stuff so hard and I worry I'm being rude but I get so anxious about group social situations where I'm the only one without kids.  

I could do with not going as I'm exhausted at the mo but we only get together about once every 4 years and they really want to see me.  I'm thinking of being honest about my reasons for not staying long but I hope they understand.  It's very hard to guage whether people will get it or not as they might just think at least I'm carefree, can do what I want get and have lay ins.....


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

I have very similar feelings to you on this. I'm seeing a group of uni girls in May and three have children, one has just had a miscarriage. I feel nervous about it already. And worried about how my husband will feel too. 

It's so hard isn't it. Are you closer to one of the group? Could you mention your worries so her and then if conversation gets bogged down in children talk she can help move it on? 

Thinking of you xxxx


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

P.S Are their husbands going to be there? Hopefully they'll have some good chat x


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thanks Rio, it's so hard isn't it.  Yes one of them who has a 1 year old is very empathetic and sensitive.  I've already told her about my anxieties as I know she gets it.  I did say that I don't want her to not talk about her baby, I just find the whole group thing quite overwhelming (and obviously if it's constant child talk then I feel really awkward).  I reckons she will try and move the conversations on bless her.  It's hard to explain but the worst bit for me is walking into the house and just seeing everyone interacting with their children and just being in a family environment.  It really upsets me and I feel so so inadequate.  Hope you cope with yours too!


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Yes husbands will be there.  They have been prone to insensitive comments (i.e at least you can just relax, have lay ins, do what you want....I'm so jealous of your child free life etc'.  I'm hoping they will be talking about something completely different though as the rest of the conversations will be around school (re the older children) or breastfeeding / weaning.


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

That's good. Glad she'll be there for you. I went to a hen do a few years back and was surrounded by mum chat. I don't know how I got through it, but think I put some protective shield over me!! & two friends who knew exactly how I felt.

I've not got to the best friends _all_ with children stage, but it's coming. Eeeek. Think the uni meet up is the first time the mums have outnumbered the non-mums. I might go for a blow dry first or go glam to make myself feel better!! I'll know how this treatment has gone by then.

I really like what you've said here: "my situation won't go on forever (as I'll either have had a baby, be going through adoption process or having to come to terms with it not happening)". I must try and remember this. When I was younger I was so scared i'd never pass my GCSEs, A Levels, go to Uni, have a partner, get married etc and just need to remember that hopefully this is just a really hard 3 years of life and won't be forever.

xxxx


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

I had a husband compare our IVF costs with going on a really nice holiday once. I was so angry. He was sat with his (lovely) pregnant wife and young child as he said it. Honestly wish people would think!!

You'd never tell someone who had lost a loved one that at least you didn't need to visit them, buy them presents etc. It's just so insensitive. xxx


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## emzyjk (Dec 28, 2014)

Hi magicpillow, I totally feel for you. We have been trying for 8 years since we had an ectopic 8 years ago today resulting in a miscarriage. One failed IVF with OE (1) last August which didn't fertilize as immature followed by news that I'm infertile having gone into early menopause (aged 37). We are now embarking on IVF with donor egg in Spain  (EC expected on Friday). Both of my sisters in law have had 2 kids each in the time we have b3en trying plus numerous friends & cousins. Every time I am given the "Good news" I cry & am so hurt. I dread the day I find out about yet another friend or relative falling pregnant... I totally understand. Im not sure what advice to give although I feel that I have hardened up to it and keep you going by thinking I make an awesome auntie!! At my birthday dinner at the weekend my sister in law thought it was appropriate to talk about how hormonal she gets when she is ovulating... brilliant!! I love her to bits but don't think she has a filter ... Every time I see her she bangs in about her kids, ECT.... I smile at the time but the hurt lasts for a long time afterwards. Xx


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