# Not sure I can do this



## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Hi all, haven't posted in ages but really need some advice as I am struggling.

We had 3 little girls placed with us 2 months ago, they are aged 2, 3 and 4.  We knew we were taking on a lot but have always wanted a big family.  Since intros both DH and I have struggled with the middle one.  She hasn't really taken to us and although I know this is a horrible thing to say but if I am honest I really don't like her.  She winges and cries over every little thing, tells lies about her sisters and speaks to me in a very aggressive tone most of the time.  Sometimes I feel like she is a teenager they way she speaks to me and the attitude she has.  Whilst I have started to develop feelings of love for the other 2, I am so worried that I will never get there with the middley.  DH says he doesn't dislike her as much as me as he can see the damaged little girl she is but I am afraid I resent her so much for ruining what could be a happy time I am struggling to see that it is not her fault. She brings out a very strong reaction in me, I know I should be letting the small stuff go but as soon as she starts winging ad telling tales its like something snaps in side me and I can't deal with her in the same way I would if it was one of her sisters.  

Part of me wishes I could wave a magic wand and she would disappear and I could have a happy life with her sisters, I feel awful about saying that but I honestly don't see how things are going to improve.  If we had just adopted her I am sure we would have disrupted by now it is only the other 2 that are keeping me ploding on.  Will it always be like this I don't feel like our relationship will ever improve.

Sorry its so long and I sound like such a horrible mummy but I needed to put it out there before I explode. Daren't tell my SW any of this in case she takes them all away from me

Love Princess Monica


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Monica

I couldn't read and run. Please don't beat yourself up about this.  You are not a horrible Mummy, you are somebody who has taken on three under fives at once.  That is hard enough at the best of times without having to deal with some of the damage that some adoptive children can bring with them.  

Two months is a very short time to try and come to terms with all this, emotions are still running high, especially fear.  She is scared of the big change of having a new family, you are scared that things are going to fail and she is going to get worse not better.  You feel out of control because you can't stop a 3yo from talking to you with total disrespect, she feels out of control because her world has been turned upside down.  She acts out at you, you snap back at her and it becomes a cycle.  Believe me I know because I have been there.  

I know it is hard but you have to try and hold onto the fact that she is just a three year old girl who has been through a traumatic time, she is confused and scared and she acts this out through her behaviour.  It is perhaps easier for your DH to come to terms with this because I guess you are spending more time with the kids so have to face it more often.  Also it is common for the main caregiver to be the brunt of the bad behaviour.  

We posted some suggestions to Sweets about finding time for yourself please read it as I think the same holds true to you.  I don't know if you can find time to read but I can recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.  I know it is hard but try not to let her get to you, try to focus on building your relationship with her, concentrate on the good and try to ignore the bad.  I remember a piece of advice given to another adopter "fake it until you can make it", meaning that you might not like her at the moment but if you work at building a relationship with her those feelings will hopefuly come.  Forget about housework or anything else, try to reduce any other stresses in your life and just focus on your relationship with your daughters.

You say you daren't tell your SW because you are scared she will take them all away however that fear should be unfounded, asking a SW for advice on behavioural issues should be no different than going to a GP when faced with spots. You could try mentioning that your middle child is finding it harder to adjust than the other two, that you want to help her as much as possible and ask if she can recommend some techniques/info that can help you to parent her even better than you are currently doing.  A SW should not be surprised to hear that a child is struggling.  However I can understand if you don't want to talk to the SW as we do not want to be seen not to be able to manage when faced with the SW's and you know your SW best.    

Most of all be kind to yourself, you are doing your best to carry out a difficult task.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hunny dont struggle with this on your own..sw's will not take them all away..they should be well aware that taking on 3 is a very big task and will be glad to help you, but you've got to be open and honest about your feelings..nobodys going to shoot you for being honest..but you wont get any help at all if you bottle it all up
in the short term is there any way you can have just mummy and middley time alone..going out to the park or for a coffee and cake somewhere..i know it doesnt sound very appealing if you feel you dont get along, but maybe some breathing space with just her will help you see some of her good points..undoubtedly she is picking up on your feelings and being the middle of 3 siblings is hard at the best of times. 
would she accept a pampering session if she got you to herself.. a little hand massage and doing her hair or something..she could do the same to you? i used to do this in front of the tv in the first instance so that our DD was distracted a bit otherwise she wouldnt tolerate it for very long...
just stabbing in the dark here but i really would urge you to ask for some help
 
kj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

As the others have said, don't beat yourself up over this, it really is very early days and you have taken on 3 LOs that have been through so much in their short little lives.

It can be very easy to get into a rut with feelings and behaviour and the spiralling circle goes on and on and it can be very hard to get out of it.  It also heightens the feelings when you have another child (or 2) that are easier/better behaved at that moment in time.  Spending some fun one to one time if you can is good advice, 3 year olds can be very testing but a lot of it is out of frustration and fear and they do pick up on our feelings very quickly.

Do ask for support and help from your SW, they may have other adopters who took on 3 at once they can put you in touch with, for all your sakes.  They won't take the children away, they need to put the correct support in place asap in order for this placement to work and they can't start to do that until you speak to them.  LO is struggling to adjust and life is very confusing right now and the only way she knows how to get that out is in her behaviour   

Make sure you get some 'me time' and I'll 2nd the Explosive Child as a good book to read.

OT x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Monica,

I'm less qualified to offer advice than the previous wonderful ladies (as they've all adopted more than one child), and I have only quickly scanned the replies so I'm sorry if I repeat anything, but I just wanted to agree strongly with something cindy said. Two months really is a relatively short time for you all to adapt to the huge change of life you are all experiencing. You, your DH and the girls are most likely all feeling like you have had your whole lives turned upside down and you are not yet back up the right way!   
We adopted one little boy (placed at 11 months) and the only way I can describe how we felt for the first 2 months was 'shell shocked!' and we only had to adapt to having one child, and a very young one at that.
You have adopted 3 children aged 2, 3 & 4!!! (I'm sure you don't need reminding). Those ages all bring with them different challenges, terrible 2's and troublesome 3's are called that for a reason! and you are suddenly thrown in at the deep end with both of them (plus whatever saying they have for 4 year olds!  )
All this even before you add into the mix the additional major factor that these children are adopted and so as we all know have a whole set of complex needs that have been formed through their experiences in their lives up to this point. Plus if that weren't enough you didn't get the 'ease into' ages 2,3 and 4 that parents with birth children get, you had a 'baptism of fire' for want of a better way of putting it!

As I said at the beginning, I am not as qualified as the others to offer advice, so will not even try to, but I really wanted to reply to say I have huge respect for you, you are doing an amazing job and the very fact that you have come on here and put it into words to seek help shows in itself you are not a bad Mummy at all, but instead a very brave and strong lady who cares about her family a great deal   
  
As others have said, your SW wont take the girls away, but will most likely steer you in the right direction for the help and support you need. 
You could also seek advice from your health visitor, I know they tend to offer advice on more 'mainstream' and general issues but they've all got varying experience so if she can't help personally she may be also able to point you in the direction of someone who can.  

I hope you get the help and support you need and deserve, and that it all slots into place and gets easier for you soon.

Love Anj x


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Thank you so much for your replies and support ladies it really means a lot.  

I have spoken to our SW and she has contacted an expert in attachment to come and speak to us about helping with her behaviour and help with us forming attachments. Hopefully it will help.

I will order the explosive child, thank you for the recommendation.

I am trying some theraplay activities like putting hand cream on each other and she seems to like it, i guess it is still very early days but it feels like a lifetime already!  

Thank you again all.

Princess Monica xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

not got anything else to add as the other lovelies have pretty much said it all   


i just wanted to send u a massive       this mummyhood malarky can be very hard going - but obv very rewarding.  


take care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Glad to read you are getting some practical support Monica, as you said hopefully they can help you get throught this difficult period.

As Camly has said most of all take care of yourself x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Just wanted to send a huge  
I'm in no position to offer any advice as I'm just at approval stage but please don't be hard on yourself. 
You have taken on a huge amount and the middly def sounds as if she's finding it harder to adjust. I would second the option of quality one on one time if/when you can as hard as it may seem as this will likely reassure her.
Big hugs
Gertie x


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

I just wanted to send you a hug, I dont think you are a horrible mother at all, you have taken on a lot and it has only been for a few months.

I was wondering if some 1 to 1 would help, could it be that she is trying to compete with your affections and the way she is behaving is the only way she knows how to behave in that situation.

I do also sympathise with the whining, my daughter is 8 and still whines and also speaks to me like she is a stroppy teenager.


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## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi PM,

I really respect your honesty - It takes courage to talk about how you are really feeling. We are all surrounded by images in the media of how motherhood should 'feel / be' and I think it can make it really hard to then feel able to talk when we are struggling.

You have done an incredible thing taking on three LO in this way, but it is not surprising you are finding it tough!! I was so pleased to read you are getting some support. 

As others have said, be kind to you.

Big  

Juby xx


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