# Advise needed .....



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

Please can people advise what SW may think.

I have went to prep groups etc last year and then put aplication on hold to do IVF. at the time we put application on hold we did not say the reason why.

With IVF unsuccessful we again started our application for adoption. The SW visited us appeared unhappy and asked us to convience her  that we wanted to do adoption as at the groups we were so keen and then placed it on hold.

In a way i regret being honest with her, she seemed so negative.

i fear they will regret me on these grounds.

any one experienced this ?

jenny


----------



## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

I have never been in your possition but I think if I am honest you have a mountain to climb now to make them know you are dedicated to the process.

I think all you can do is throw yourself in 100% and make sure you convince them.

If this doesnt work it may be best to try else where with a cleaner sheet.

Good luck x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

the question of honesty, be it about fertility txt or other matters, with SW's comes up alot on these boards and theres a good reason why seasoned adopters always say the same thing..its better to tell the truth cos it nearly always catches up with you if you dont! not in a 'we've been found out' kind of way but also in the way that you are now finding..trust..

however its not all over, like curvycat says, you now just have to do your utmost to show that you really are dedicated..maybe throw yourselves into some work experience with children as a start..

what position have you been left in, are they getting back to you, what did she say about the next stage? 

wishing you luck, I dont think this will stop you going ahead but you really have got to be honest with them from now on

kj x


----------



## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Jenny,

They'll want to know you are serious this time around but you won't be the first person they will have dealt with who looked into adoption and then decided they needed to go back for more treatment before commiting to adoption. 

We looked into adoption 3 years ago, had an initial visit and were invited to apply but decided to try IVF first on the recommendation of my consultant. We did write to tell the LA that we felt we had to try IVF first so aren't in the same position you've found yourself but I think if you show you regret not telling them and that you felt you needed to try IVF for one last time so you didn't find yourself wondering if it might have worked in years to come, they'll hopefully come round.

Good luck,

CG xxx


----------



## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya

As the others have said you will need to show how dedicated you really are (after all they thought you were dedicated last time to offer you a place on the prep course).
No you're not the first people to decide to try IVF during the process but it costs SS alot of money to put you through HS so they will need to be 100% sure you are ready to move on. 

Best of Luck


----------



## Guest (Aug 28, 2009)

As others have said honesty is usually the best policy with adoption.  

We considered adoption instreaed of IVF but decided to have one go at IVF before committing (partly to close that door) - and we were completely open with our SWs and they were supportive.  In fact we had a fast track approval process (for various reasons) and our three were with us less than six months after our unsuccessful treatment.  

If you are not entirely honest then the SWs will wonder of there is anything else you have withheld and that is a difficult position for them to be in.  

Bop


----------



## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

Another for honesty is the best policy.


----------



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi All,

Thanks for all you advise,

I am just scared its the end but you are all right I need to prove to them that i am 100% committed to this process.

The SW said she will come back to us within 2-3 weeks to advise what the next stage will be.

Jenny


----------



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi Jenny80

Sorry that the social worker has made you feel like this but agree with ALL the above points - Honesty is definitely the best policy and yes they have to be sure you are committed.

We did excatly the same as you.....we completed the prep courses in  jun 2005 but put application on hold and did two more rounds of ICSI before contacting SS again in Dec 2006. We waited the alloted 6 mnths again after our last treatment and as they say the rest is history!!!!

Our experience was that it wasn't held against us. I think our commitment and positive attitude towards adoption just showed through, after all... we had worked out all the fertility niggles in the time we put adoption in hold. How much better for you to have done that before HS than for SS to have gone through even more of the process. 

A sw asked me a very strange question months after BBB came to us...Did I regret the time we spent putting adoption on hold? and without a moments hesitation i replied NO!! Every decision we made, no matter how painful and confusing at the time, led us to where we are now, a wonderfully happy family of three with a gorgeous son who is such a perfect match....

Keep positive, be honest and open, show your commitment and that will show through to SW. Good luck on the rest of your journey...

HHH


----------



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi HH

Thanks, you have gave me some hope. 

Like you I dont regret putting adoption on hold and doing IVF one more time, but now its the new chapter must begin in my life.

I did not tell them i put it on hold to do IVF as i knew you could not do both but feel that it has went against me. i was honest to put it on hold rather than doing both at one time which emotionally would be impossible.

hope you ok

jenny


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Maybe you could argue the case that the fact that you gave tx one last try will make it easier for you to be committed to the adoption as now you don't have that niggling question in your head about tx. 

You could explain that you felt you needed to do it to "put it to bed" one way or the other and now you have done that it makes you even stronger to commit to the adoption than you were before. 

Good luck with it all, just stick to your guns.


----------



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

Thanks for the advise. I do not believe its second best to adopt just wanted one more try to experience pregnancy /

jenny


----------



## Dynadiana (Jul 11, 2009)

Hi, this is my 1st time posting on this message boards, so please be gentle with me and here goes...

Mine is a similar dilemma, have a 7 yr old birth son, and we applied to our local authority adoption service a year and 8 months ago, but 4 months ago decided to go though a cycle of IVF.  This decision to have the IVF was obviously hard to make, but felt that I had to have one go.

Fast forward four months and we are now at the top of the list to start the home study with the first visit next tues by our alloted social worker.  I do want to be honest, but have waited a long time to start the process. I don't regret the IVF and am 100% for the adoption. Any advice gratefully received ...  Dynadiana ...


----------



## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Dynadiana, Chances are you will be asked to confirm when you finished your tx and if faced with that you're going to need to be prepared to lie or tell them the truth. I'd suggest you tell them the truth as there's a chance it could come out later anyway i.e. when you have your medical your GP will be asked to confirm when you finished trying for a family/tx so if your GP knows about the IVF cycle you've done he/she will need to disclose this. If you don't get asked the question I guess you don't need to volunteer the information   Either way as long as you can show that you really are ready to adopt I'm sure you'll be fine. Good luck      

Jenny - have you heard anything yet? I hope you've received some positive news from SS.    

CG xx


----------

