# when and how did you know when enough was enough?



## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

when and how did you know when enough was enough?

i have found myself lurking here lately.....


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi kara76 and welcome  

Knowing when to let go is a very personal thing - what works for one of us won't help another, so I can only speak for me. I reached a kind of tipping point, when I couldn't take the thought of having another miscarriage. It seemed to me that the sadness of never being pg again was somehow preferable to the pain of it all going wrong for the umpteenth time. A big part of my decision was seeing menopause around the corner (well, I was almost 40!) and realising that the way things were going, that was going to be the only way I was going to stop. I wanted some control back in my life, so decided that I needed a kind of statement to draw a line under my IF and move on to the rest of my life. I chose to be sterilised and have no regrets, as it removed all the doubt and uncertainty (OK, for a while I did still think that just maybe ... miracles happen .. etc.   but only half-heartedly!)

Looking at your signature, I think things are still very raw for you, so treat yourself kindly and take plenty of time to weigh your options. Keep looking at this board because the support you will find here is phenomenal. These ladies have kept me sane without realising it!

Take care  
Solitaire
xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Kara,

This is a lovley board, even though people did not want to come in the first place! So as Solitaire says, keep looking if it helps, and join in if you feel you want to. It's ok if you are not sure whether you are quite ready to give up on treatment yet. Some people contribute for a while while they decide. 

My own decision was very similar to Solitaire's. Also the consultn did not want to reat me after 40. I could have gone to another clinic, but it flt loke it was time to draw a line and try o move on.

Good luck with whtever you do next. Let us know how you get on, even if you don't want to stay around.

With hugs,

Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Kara,
In my experience deciding to give up does not happen overnight - it is definitely a process. From your siggy you have been through an awful lot and tried so very hard. I am so sorry that it didn't work out. Each of us has a limit - and I think it is one of those things that you can't really know until you've reached it (if you see what I mean?) And even then, when you've thought it all through rationally, there may be something tugging at your heart and you say "Oh all right, one more try..." The human heart is a resilient thing - it breaks and then it mends much stronger.
Sometimes age comes into it (as Solitaire and Jq say), sometimes you just can't take any more pain. But making the decision to stop can be very life-affirming in an odd sort of way. Because you are taking back control of your life. And there is more to life than having babies.
Hang around here for a bit and see how these marvellous ladies are coping. They have given me much support and inspiration since I've been here. I am supposed to be moving on, but finding it hard to let go. But I can feel that it IS happening gradually - as I fill my life up with other things.
Perhaps the key is not to think of it as giving up - but as opening your heart to new possiblities of a different life ahead.
Lots of love,
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

What a fantastic thing Bernie said about opening your heart to new possibilities.

Jq xxx


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## cammomile (Nov 28, 2007)

hi kara
just wanted to add my support to you also  .
It's a really really personal thing - and I think you will know when the time is right. For me it wasn't an overnight thing - i agonised over it for absolutely ages. I did our last icsi knowing it would be the last one - and when it failed it goes without saying I was devastated. BUT as the others have said so well...taking control back of your life can be a special thing. I know that since we have made the decision to have no more tx - 9/10 months ago now - I have felt much more 'myself' again, and much more able to say and do what I want. I think when you start realising you are giving up your dreams, it's easier to let go of all the other c*@p too - and be more exacting with your life... The road after stopping can be rocky - but it is your road Kara, and you can decide how, if and when you want to go down it..
Bernie is totally spot on about opening your heart to new possibilities. And I think, for me it was about accepting that my life is very different to how I thought it would be at this stage. Another more mundane thing that helped me was keeping busy - I know it sounds a bit simple, but so much of my/our time was taken up with talking about tx/doing tx/thinking about the next tx, that i sort of forgot that I had other things in my life - really good things as it happens. So it's about balance too.
Don't put pressure on yourself to 'decide' - the right decision will come to you when the time is right.
Love and thoughts to you xxxxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello

I just wanted to say, that as someone with a very 'short' history of treatment, we just knew that we couldn't face the possibility of miscarriage, not even having experienced one (although my sister has) ... I guess I have a lot less courage than most of the people I meet on this website!  Also I wasn't very good at responding to the treatment, so our chances were significantly worse than they should have been statistically and as there was no medical reason for why this should be I lost confidence in the whole thing.

But also I just desparately wanted to start 'getting better'.  Treatment is so time-consuming and I really feel angry at missing out on life, on time with friends and family and with my niece and 'secular god-children' who are growing up fast.  Finally we were making various life decisions based on the need to earn money for treatment.  My husband was in a job he hated with a nasty boss who was undermining his self-confidence - and here was someone so very close to me that I love to bits that was miserable just because there was the small chance of us producing someone else to love ... it just didn't seem to make sense.

Having said all of that, 'getting better' takes a very long long time.  I felt quite elated when we first decided to say 'no' to further treatment - we'd taken control at last - but over time it is really sinking in what this actually means.  I'm already fed up with answering the 'so, do you have children' that almost every stranger I meet seems to feel the need to ask (my job involves quite a lot of 'networking').  And I'm very very sad at being childless.

I would say that our counsellor has really helped us both - we were very diffident about taking this up - even though it's free, it's timeconsuming and it takes a lot of energy.  We went the first time both of us and came back and decided not only that treatment was no longer for us, but that my husband needed to change his job, take some time out for himself, and start getting things straight with his parents.  Pretty major stuff.  I went again just me on Monday as I was starting to lose it, to be honest, and she was so helpful and supportive.  Both times I went thinking 'how can this possibly help' but just feeling I needed to give it a try, and both times it really has helped, although it has also been very challenging.

I hope some of this might help - it's all so personal, but I know other people's personal journeys have helped me, so I thought I'd try to share mine!

Jx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Pol your decision to get off the tx treadmill is a very sane one. I got pg after FET last year and honestly it was a nightmare from start to finish - the drugs they give you mess up everything and you end up on tenterhooks all the time. Then of course I lost it - even worse. So you are very wise not to go there - I commend you for your common sense. I know that it is hard to come to terms with giving up on having children - I'm right there with you. Seeing a counsellor is such a good idea - really use the sessions and explore all your feelings. There is of course the possibility of adoption - although I do appreciate that adoption is no easy journey either and it isn't an automatic step after tx has failed. We have decided to say no to adoption (although I think if I were younger then I would give it more thought - I'm 41 now). 
I find I am accepting things slowly - but do have set backs from time to time. And this board really helps with that.
Bernie xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Thank you, Bernie

Writing that actually really helped me to work out a bit more how I feel - it's good to see it in writing sometimes!

I think adopting might be something we might consider (and I guess I have age on my side to some extent) but just now I know I'm not in a position to be a very good parent especially to a child who hadn't had the best start in life.  Maybe in a year or so we might want to explore it, or maybe we'll just concentrate on involving the 'younger generation' in our lives in other ways.

I just wanted to send my very sincere sympathy for the very difficult journey you've arrived at this board via.  I don't know quite what to say, but just want to send you a big hug   for being so kind, and so giving in your thoughts and advice to others - it makes all the difference!

Joanna X


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Joanna,
Thank you. It has been a difficult ride. I think that sharing my thoughts with others here in this safe environment really helps me. It is one of the ways in which this board works - in helping others we actually help ourselves. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.
Bernie xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

In my case it was the fear etc that i could not handle any more- I had a mini breakdown.I knew this just was not me and that we had been thru so much for all of our marriage that something had to give. Also events took over in our lives as my dh's dd (who had always lived with us) had started playing up big time as her mother came back on the scene. We could not pysically deal with both issues to gether 

In my first year after we called it a day- as was mentionned earlier- keeping busy. I made sure I had something to look forward to every month in that first year- ie a holiday, I bought a new car,joined an art class. It did help. xxxx


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