# hello out there! ~



## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

hello

I have just registered on here today. My husband and I saw a gynae / fertility consultant at out local hospital on Wednesday just gone (15th aug). We need to commence ICSI also. My husband has a high antibody count (98%). I am waiting for a laparoscopy - don't know why really as it has no bearing on anything as we will be having ICSI anyway! Maybe she just wants to know the full picture, and I suppose I would kind of like to know if all is well with me, too. We hope to start the ICSI process ASAP and our consultant thinks our first egg harvest should be around December time. We are very scared and feel very lost at the moment. I despeartely want a baby. I almost feel resentment towards pregnant people - is this normal? is it ok? am I going mad? Does anyone else know these feelings? Please help..... My husband has a little girl from a previous marriage so we cannot have IVF / ICSI on the NHS so the cost is going to become an issue if the first lot fails. Luckily, we are very good at having heart to heart chats and we keep nothing from each other so we feel fine chatting about it between us, but I feel I'd like a little more support from others going through it. So, hello out there!


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

& Welcome to FF  hbrodie 

 finding yourself needing treatment to have a baby is quiet overwhelming and its quiet stressful too, everyone here understands your feelings and we believe they are NORMAL! and if we can help in any way we will.

I am going to leave you some direct links to boards here on FF - that you may or may not have found, I encourage you to post in these areas to build friendships and support from members who really do have an understanding of your situation,
Starting out & Diagnosis ~
CLICK HERE

Male factors -
CLICK HERE

Meanings ~
CLICK HERE

FAQ ~
CLICK HERE

G&B - Community board
CLICK HERE

FERTILITY INFO GUIDES
CLICK HERE

To make the site easier to navigate click on the index tab at the top of any page - pink hearts mean there is something new within the board you have not read/looked at and if you scroll right down you will see the last ten posts from all over FF all are clickable  if you refresh this page (f5) it will update the last ten posts as well as the boards/threads and who's online!!!
take some time to look at the *help tab* too 

Check out the *Locations boards* for your home town & a site search for your *clinic* 

Wishing you Friendship  &    


If you need any help just ask!
and let us know how you get on 
~Dizzi~


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## ali* (Nov 29, 2005)

Hi Helen
You sound normal to me!  We all have days, (sometimes lots of days together!) when we can't stand to see someone with a bump/baby/kids etc.
I also feel like a complete failure, and although the logical part of me knows that's ridiculous, it doesn't help any.
Wishing you lots of luck with your treatment.
Ali*


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi hbrodie and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic place full of advice and support and you have been left some great links to try out.

I wish you luck with everything

Kate xx​


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

Hbrodie

welcome to FF as soon as you start reading more posts that in fact what you have said is exactly how most of us feel so yes it is normal and no you are not going mad 

i wish you all the very best in your journey and remember we are all here to talk when you need to xxxx

anthea xxx


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## Hoshi (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Helen and welcome to FF 

I agree with Anthea, just start reading through some of the other posts and you will see that we all feel like that. I vet every woman I see to see if they're pregnant! It's awful when you come to the realisation that you need some 'help' to conceive but the way I look at it - there are loads of us out there TTC but you just can't pick them out on the street like you can the pregnant ones. It might help to read some positive stories of those who have undergone treatment and conceived. On the other hand you might just want to staick with those of us who haven't quite got there yet - and there's enough of both on here so take heart


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi there Helen, welcome to Fertility Friends. 

Sorry to hear of the problems you have been having conceiving. I think it is standard practice to check both partners even if one has a known problem, just the be sure.

I know how frustrating it is to have to self-fund because of a partners children from a previous relationship. My PCT had the same policy but changed to allowing one go if one partner had children from another relationship provided you had not had any previous tx - of course they did this after I'd had my first self-funded go so I still didn't flipping well qualify! 
To reduce cost, I became an egg sharer. If you are under 35, you might want to look into it (it's not, emotionally, suitable for everyone but certainly makes it easier on the pocket).

Do check out Dizzi's links. Here's some more.

*ICSI board ~ *  CLICK HERE

ICSI - Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply)
CLICK HERE

You might like to check out the location boards and meet people in your local area ot at the same clinic as you are attending.  CLICK HERE FOR DEVON BOARDS

We also have a newbie night in the chat room every Friday (times vary), where you can meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.
 CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

Do let us know how you are getting along. Looking forward to chatting with you.

C~x


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Helen,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.  Good luck with the ICSI.

Emma
x x x x


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## wishing upon a star (Aug 14, 2007)

Hi Helen,
You are certainly not going mad. I feel exactly the same it is a difficult situation to find yourselves in. I know exactly how you feel about seeing people pregnant. At one point there were several people in work that were all pregnant at the same time, i felt so isolated. I would put on a brave face whilst at work and would come home and sob to my husband. However, on the positive side my Husband and i will have ICSI next year 1st time. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. I have sent you bubbles
take care
Leanne
x


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

thank you for your support and for making me feel 'normal'. And for the links. They were very helpful. It takes a while to learn how to find my way around websites etc, as I am not too bright with technology!!

Emma - I completely understand the whole 'people pregnant at work' thing. I am a practice nurse for a very large surgery and currently;      1 nurse is expecting twins, 1 GP is expecting, 3 district nurses within the surgery are expecting, 2 gp's wifes just had babies, 2 gp's wives are expecting babies, 1 gp is about to come back from maternity leave, 1 gp has just had a baby! 
I know that is rare to have so many pregnant people in one place, and I bet my manager is none too pleased with covering shifts etc. 

Like you, I put on a brave face at work. I tell myself that one day I would like people to be happy for me being pregnant so I have to show I am happy for them being pregnant - which I am, I tink it is wonderful - but as soon as I go to the loo or back into my room and I am alone the crying begins and I can't stop! I think my colleagues must think I've gone mad because some of them have come in 'post-cry' when I am all blotchy and I have made up some random excuses which I really don't think they bought!

Today, I am having a bit of a depressed day, but yesterday I was very chirpy. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde! I hope people I know and meet don't think I am losing it??


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## wishing upon a star (Aug 14, 2007)

Helen you have definately come to the right place. I too am a nurse in A&E. When i read your message it is as if i have wrote it. I am up and down like a fairground ride but this is normal. You find that people try to understand but have no clue at all unless they have been there. I even find good friends do not contact me anymore because they do not know what to say. I was down yesterday and tears were in my eyes but i don't know exactly why. I have been off work with stress when i was finding out etc. I felt quite pressurised by work that it was not justified for me to be off. My area as you are aware is extremely stressful and i could not support patients as i was not strong enough myself. I am feeling good today (so far) and i hope with everyone support you too will feel better. Take care and keep your chin up
Leanne
xx
By the way i have changed username so don't get confused it is still me lol


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

hi, leanne.

another nurse, yay!

I'm pleased to find someone who fully understands. My friends are also being rather aloof, one of them is in NZ and is coming back to here (cornwall) next month (she moved to NZ in jan then her and her husband decided to try for a baby early march and end of march she was pregnant). She has been as understanding as she can be but with her being pregnant I feel I can't talk to her any more. she is my best friend and I don't want to upset her and I know she must feel bad being all happy and pregnant around me and I hate the thouht that she might just not come and see me because she feels bad.But equally it will be very hard for me to see her all happy and pregnant.

I wanted time off work, too, as I feel so flippin tearful all the time, but I feel bad taking time off as we are a nurse down already and one in carrying twins, so I would feel really awful to go off sick. The other nurse is off with stress already! I find myself hiding away in my room and sobbing, avoiding people. I give babies their immunisations as a normal thing every day and this is getting to be very upsetting for me, to see the proud mummies cooing over their babies and telling me how wonderful it all is. I love the babies but can't stand the mummies! It takes me a good 10 minutes after each baby imms to pull myself together again. I am knackered from crying and hiding. My DH thinks I've gone loopy. I'm sure he doesn't fully understand and he tells me he doesn't understand and he says it is cos he is a man. He is supportive though, and also wants a baby, but I feel bad talking to him constantly about it and if I cry I feel guily because he is the one with the Antisperm antibodies and thus the problem lies there and he feels very guilty.

we are going on holiday in early september for 10 days so we will relax and sunbathe and not talk about babies.

I wish I could have time off work, I hate going in every day and having to smile and be nice to people. I want to curl up in a ball in bed and cry. But then other days I feel absolutely fine! Oh dear, what are we like, eh?

H.xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Helen  I really can relate to your feelings, 
as you say the babies are fine its the mummies!
seriously have you thought about counselling or anti depresants to help you cope  
I hope your holiday is the R&R you deserve

~Dizzi~


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

oh my god, no, I hadn't thought of that. do I really sound that bad?!     
I really don't want to go on anti-d's cos I want to medication free. Counselling may not be such a bad thing - talking is good. I have tried to get in the chat room but it says error in trying to connect.


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## wishing upon a star (Aug 14, 2007)

LOL you don't sound like that. You may have to download Java script http://www.java.com/en/ 
and then it may work. I am not very technical minded
/links


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## nades (Aug 18, 2007)

Hi H,

We all know how you feel,

My Niece as just given birth to a baby boy all though im really pleased for her you cant help feeling why not me.

Been a aunt and a great aunt is still lovely though

wishing you all the luck in the world

Nades xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

hbrodie said:


> oh my god, no, I hadn't thought of that. do I really sound that bad?!
> I really don't want to go on anti-d's cos I want to medication free. Counselling may not be such a bad thing - talking is good. I have tried to get in the chat room but it says error in trying to connect.


  Sorry - no your not sounding that bad at all - definatly Infertility normal!
Prozac is Ok to take while TTC  just so "you know"

Leanne & Helen the up and down days you both describe are me to a t! too - (I am a hca on a surgical ward) is it NHS related do you think 

Best of luck to you both, keep us posted as to how you get on

~Dizzi~
Ps for Chat room help 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=15792.0


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## wishing upon a star (Aug 14, 2007)

You could be right about the NHS thing. Put it this way it is doing us no favours back is it lol
Leanne


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

Damn the NHS!!!     

I went into university to do my nursing straight from 6th form at age 18. I worked as a health care assistant on the wards there all through training (3yrs) to get a bit of extra income and more experience, then I worked in the hospital for 1 year, then moved to cornwall to be a district nuurse (3 1/2 years) and am now a practice nurse (18mths) so I have given the NHS all of my working life.  It'd be nice if they'd give a little something back in recognition of this, and to those with way more years than me of NHS working behind them too.    

I am a control freak (prob mentioned before)  and I find if I am actively doing somehting about this 'ere problem we have then I cope a little better.
I have sent a letter to my GP today to ask them to consider funding our drugs. It is a long shot but worth a try, seeing as the NHS won't fund us through the ICSI at all.  here's hoping, eh!


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## wishing upon a star (Aug 14, 2007)

Hi Helen i hope this works for you go girl lol


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