# worries.



## sarah :-)~ (Sep 30, 2010)

Hi all. 

We are currently in the assessment process and wanted to ask a few questions.

Basically we thought it was a all swimming well and nice until our SW said that they had a few issues, my weight, our finances and DH depression. 

DH depression is well controlled and he is in a great place, our money situation is like everyone elses and we have debt and my weight is big, I'm currently on a healthy kick and attended gym.

Some advice would be glad x x x


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

They seem to be all over people's weight at the moment, mine wasn't mention till panel and then it was a problem.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

I have heard so many people recently saying their BMI is causing problems. 

my advice would be show the SW your gym membership, tell them you are trying to loose weight etc.. they just want to see that the child will have a healthy lifestyle living with you, explain what you would do locally eg. swimming as a family.

for depression, can you get a letter of support from your GP?

Money worries, SW will want to see bank statements, mortgage statements, details of loans / credit cards. Obviously this one is harder to convince them that al is OK as its there in black and white. Some people get deferred and told to pay off debts and come back a few years later, its a tough one

ave you been given any advice or guidelines  by SW on what they expect from you?

good luck x


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Hi Sarah, didn't want to read & run & probably can't offer much advice. I can't fathom some SW process... some applicants can't get accepted onto stage 1 for these reasons, others get told right at the last minute. Surely a medical professional in that area is the only person who can comment on the depression & weight issues, then help with a plan to overcome the issue.

Debt, yes most people have some form of debt but again isn't this question asked at the initial interview. It was asked of us and something they really made a point of as apparently it's a big stumbling block. It was also one of the first forms we filled in to show what money came in and what went out.

As sun flower said if you can show you are making and have made progress in these areas then that must help. 

I feel so sorry for you and others getting bombs dropped like this. Disney, I've read about your awful experience! Truly shocking! I hope you get answers soon.

Good luck x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

We were advised to pay our debt off before proceeding as even though our social worker said she was happy we were stable and secure, panel would raise it and a child's social worker would not look upon it favourably at linking and matching stage. She said if it was a competitive match it would be a reason not to choose us. Sorry to bring bad news. I guess it depends how much the debt is too. Our social worker said while we were fine now we would be questioned about issues like losing a job, not being able to return to work due to a placed child's needs etc. I'm relation to your weight, well you are actively showing commitment to your health0house by joining a gym so I think that shouldn't have even been raised. Also if your hubby's depression is stable and controlled, again, with support from his doctor I would hope that this shouldn't be a problem. Wishing you lots of luck


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi Sarah.

We're quite similar to you guys. I'm overweight, do go to slimming world and have an active lifestyle. I have some debts left over from the previous relationship, and I had a nervous breakdown 6 years ago. Thankfully our SW is sensible and understands that no body is perfect. I am now able to talk about what caused the breakdown and subsequent depression, and I know my triggers now (being on my own which won't be an issue with a little one). Our medicals were fine, the GP was happy with my weight loss so far and plans for the future. None of these things were brought up at our approval panel, thought the Chair did say to keep up the weight loss 

We've now been matched to a little blue. Matching panel was horrible (different LA). They made a big deal of the debts, even though they'll be paid off in the next 18 months and don't actually effect our budget. My weight was brought up even though I cane prove my weightloss and have goals going forward. But then they also had 'concerns' about our income. Compared to some adopters, we don't have a massive income (still in the mid £20K area) but that's just DH. I'm going to be full time at home and we own our own home. They also didn't like the fact we don't drive... We don't need to as hubby walks to work as it's local and we live in the center of our town!

It was horrible, however our SW was fantastic and stood up for us throughout. In the end, they couldn't really find a reason to say no and so we're meeting our little boy on Tuesday!

Hope it goes well for you honey

xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

It does make me mad how much conflicting advice there is!  

We went in to the adoption process with a Debt Management Plan in place.  This means we had experienced debt crisis and had sought help and advice, and had agreements with our creditors to make reduced payments.  We were able to show that we had reduced our debts from £30,000 owed to six creditors to c. £10,000 owed to one creditor, who was very happy with our progress.  We had a detailed budget in place, and had provisonally made another detailed post-placement budget, and agreed that with the charity that was advising and supporting us.  We had a debt-free date which was approx two years ahead.  Critically, we were incurring no new debt (not credit cards, overdrafts, nothing) and were consistently in the black with a small contingency cushion.

When we approached our agency, our contact included a letter explaining all of the above, explaining what we did wrong, what we had learned, and how we did things differently.  Our agency responded that they felt by us being open about it, having really clear budgets and contingency plans, and by working really hard to be financially solvent, we actually had an advantage over some more solvent adopters.  Who knows?  It was always going to be one of our big challenges, but because we'd explained so much in our application/Form F, it wasn't raised at either Approval or Matching panel, and our matching authority welcomed us with open arms.

We're not proud of the mess we got into financially, although there were good reasons, but we are proud of how we've pulled out of it.  I often wish I could go out and spend money without having to check the budget first, or could splash out on fun holidays, or expensive things.  But we don't need them.  Bug doesn't need them.

In his own words:  "I love Christmas.  Wots of chocolate.  And WOTS AND WOTS of Mummy and Daddy."  He needs us more.

BTW, I'm also obese (although very active and reasonably fit) have a chronic health condition and have had couselling for depression.  

I'm also a dancer, a walker, a swimmer, am exceptionally good at navigating health services and have controlled my condition very well, and have learned much healthier mental processes which have been road-tested through grief and tough times, and have shown me to be more resilient as a result.

And I am a damn fine mother.



Approach each challenge or barrier as an opportunity to demonstrate what you need to do to overcome the barrier, and what you've learned from it that will help you parent an adopted child.    You can do it!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

AoC I think you should start a fan club I'd join because all your posts are fantastic and so true / honest / real / what people need to hear love it x x x


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Hey hun I am txt it all gets sorted out and you are on your way again. I would create three action plans for each issue as shove it under their noses. You know how gutted I am as you two are one of the nicest couples I have ever met. I am dreading them moaning about my weight too, my cholesterol, the stress associated with my job...have a feeling they will find fault somewhere. I think it's such a conflicting load of info. Here if you need to chat xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks DIY Diva.    I know it's a bit weird to be that open about money matters, but I remember very clearly how hurt and afraid I was, thinking we wouldn't be able to adopt because of the debt, and because of my past mild to moderate depression and anxiety.

I wish no-one ever had to feel like that.

I won't say it's not hard, sometimes, always having a tight budget, but I know Bug never feels the lack.  He doesn't give a damn if he's wearing Boden or George from Asda!


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## sarah :-)~ (Sep 30, 2010)

Thank you all for all your kind words.

AOC, reading your post made me smile and thanku x


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