# Help! Can't stop feeling negative



## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hi,
I am int he middle of my second IVF cycle and I keep thinking that there's no point in continuing. 

A bit about my journey: I did my first cycle last year at The London Fertility Centre, which failed and then went to seek a second opinion and was advised by Zita West to continue naturally and that perhaps I wouldn't need IVF after all (AMH 11.5) so we decided that if we didn't get pregnant by the end of the year in 2011 we would try IVF again, this time at The Lister. And as we were waiting to start in January, we discovered that we were pregnant but sadly miscarried at 8 weeks (blighted ovum). 

So I had an operation to get my womb cleaned out and started the IVF on my next period. Then one week into injections they discovered that there was something in my womb left over from the miscarriage so the cycle was interrupted and I had another operation. 

After that I restarted again and now I am 2 weeks into my injections. Last week I had a scan and they saw 6 follicles, I had another scan a day and a half later and still 6 follicles but not much growth. They said not to be too concerned about that as it was only a day and a half, but of course I am no w convinced it is going badly and won't happen. 

I go for another scan on tomorrow morning and will find out more but i am just feeling a bit fed up with this process. My sister is also doing IVF, she is 7 years younger than me and it's going very well for her, which of course is great, but makes me feel sorry for myself (much as I hate to admit this) and I fear that I will be left behind. 

I know I need to concentrate on myself and be positive but somehow struggling with it. My mum keeps telling me to stop thinking of her and remember there are worse people off int he world, which of course is very true. She also keeps telling me to make myself a cup of tea   Other friends tell me to just let go and forget about it but I seem unable to do that.

Has anyone experienced feeling despondent like this? Could it be the medication? (I am on a Menopur 450 per day) I am normally quite upbeat and logical but I am experiencing feeling like a complete out-of-control-mess. 

Thanks for reading (I feel better for writing this!) and all the best to all of you in your journey...

xxx


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## SweetD (Mar 17, 2012)

Dear QueenBee

I'm sending you big hugs for you. Lean in here on your despondent days. We each have them - they can be hormonally induced by the evil medication, trigered by all kinds of external things - the thing is you are not alone. 

All you can do is feel your feelings, acknowledge it's a less than grand day and keep going. The sun will shine again. Be gentle on yourself and good luck with your scan tomorrow.

SweetD
x


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hello Sweet D,

Thanks  for getting back to me, what a lovely email to receive! You have cheered me up a little. 
I went for a walk today after writing the post with my OH and ended up in a little church near by and prayed, which is not something I do very often, but it helped calm me down.

It's good to know that there is a reason for this (i.e. the medication - evil as you put it, I like that!) and makes me feel that maybe I am not going mad after all! Tomorrow is another day...

All the best in your journey.

QB x


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## Chandlerino (Nov 30, 2011)

QB - I'm in a similar position- coming to the end of down regging in my 2nd cycle. I've also had 3 mcs as you can see from my signature. Medical professionals were very positive, even said I don't know why you are bothering with IVF blah blah so came down to earth with a very big bump when our cycle failed. They can't say whether its bad eggs or sperm now and were very negative at our review. Dr told us not to waste our money after this if it didn't work!

I, too am very despondant, don't think it will work and being very negative although I do have my positive days!


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hello Chandlerino,
Well, it's good to meet someone in a similar situation! I am interested to see what happens tomorrow at my scan as the last one didn't show much activity from the first one. I am being scanned every other day and on the one hand I am pleased they monitor me closely but I wonder how much change can happen in a day...where are you having your treatment? I am at the Lister. I like the team but don't know if I trust them 100%...so hard to know what the best thing to do is...
Anyway, I guess it's a day at a time. Fingers crossed for you- the miracle could be just around the corner!
Queen Bee xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Queen Bee

I am so sorry about the problems you have had.     SweetD is right, the medication for stimming can make you feel awful and it is such a stressful time anyway.  All I can say is that my third IVF cycle was a complete nightmare - downregging didn't work for ages, had cyst, thought cycle would need to be cancelled; then stimming didn't seem to be working, had hardly any follicles and the ones I had were very small and didn't seem to be doing anything, thought cycle was going to be cancelled ... and then I got my first ever BFP and my beautiful wee girl. Hang on in there - as you say yourself, you never know what's round the corner.  Wishing you lots of luck     .

Chandlerino - sending you lots of      and      vibes too.

Ellie


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## Chandlerino (Nov 30, 2011)

Thank you Ellie x

Queen Bee - come and join us on the over 40s current cyclers thread - there's only a few of us but you can always have a rant to me  

I'm having my treatment at Oxford Fertility Unit but only go there for EC and transfer - everything else is done at a satelitte clinic in Cheltenham.


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hello Ellie,

I love your story! Thank you for your injection of positivity, I really need to hear happy endings right now. 

Chandlerino, I will try to find the current cyclers thread on the over 40s section. I have only just joined the forum so I am finding my way! You might regret your invitation for me to rant to you 

Seriously now, thanks SO much for your replies. You've picked me up today and I am now ready for the next hurdle.

QB xx


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## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Hi Queen Bee, Here is a link to the Current cyclers in the Over 40's area

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278114.680

Shelley x


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Thanks Mish 3434! I just checked it out xx


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## SweetD (Mar 17, 2012)

Hi Queen Bee

How did your scan go? Been thinking of you.

SweetD
xx


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hi Sweet D,
Thanks for your message. 
Well, I am not sure what to think  . The 6 follicles were still the same size except for one bigger one, but the nurse told me that it could be that the big one is the one I would have ovulated myself so to ignore it. So unless they grow in the next few days I am not sure there is much we can do. They also took some blood and the nurse called me later to say the blood levels were very good so hopefully they will grow. 
I have to go back for another scan on Wednesday and will know more. Worse case scenario we terminate the treatment...Best case scenario they start to grow. I had IVF last year and responded well, I was on a different protocol not sure if that's the reason...
Anyway, it's out of my hands so I am trying to stay positive. 
Lots of love xx


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## SweetD (Mar 17, 2012)

Now THAT IS the way - it is out of your hands right now....so......breathe and allow.

I'm on my 2WW and I can't will it to be something it isn't - hard as that is mind you!

love to hear your update on Wednesday.

Night
x


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## Queen_Bee (Apr 6, 2012)

Thanks Sweet D! 
I got a call from the nurse yesterday to tell me the blood test was very good (not sure what they were testing for) but it showed that 'something was happening'. What ever that means... 

I am trying to keep busy and went to gentle yoga this morning and going to meditation at lunchtime. 

Like you said the breath is crucial! Good luck with your 2WW. Sending you lots of love

QB x


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