# Feel really silly for raising this, but...!



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi all

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this...? In the scheme of things, it's not a biggie but it is starting to really wrankle and I'm worried what's behind it..

Here goes..

Our daughter (placed 6 months ago and she's just turned 3) just can't stand it if I look nice, or wear something new or get complimented. For example, I wore a new skirt the other day:
DD "What are you wearing that for?"
Me "It's my new skirt. Isn't it pretty? Do you like it?"
DD "It's not pretty I don't like it,"
Me - ignore her and talk about something else
DD "I want that skirt,"

or DH says my hair looks nice DD says, no it doesn't... or if I say I like watching blah blah on TV, she says no you don't...

it's never ending it seems... even if I say I like chips she says no you don't _I _like chips!!!!

as I say not a biggie but it's really starting to annoy me and freak me out a bit if I'm honest.........

Any comments / advice etc?
Thank you JB x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hiya

Didnt want to read and run. Dont have experience of this except that my DS is almost same age as your DD and also been with us 6 months. Toddlers are very very complicated littel people! And adopting a toddler is not the same (IMO) as adopting a baby or an older child. This stage of their lives they are going through so much change and discovery and emotions anyway before you throw adoption in the mix - for instance, feeling and finding independence, discovering action-consequence, new emotions and understanding, etc.....hence what I am saying is there may not be a solid reason for her behaviour or one that she understands or knows herself. Have you tried asking her? guessing you have.....perhaps it is she is (subsconsciously) projecting on to you her feelings towards past carers/BM ? And so its not so much you she is arguing with but what you represent (mother figure) because she is experiencing confusion and emotions about her self in relation to independence and dependence on you/mum/carer. Or perhaps its an attention seeking thing? Reminds me a bit of DS who will say 'no' to almost anything or say he wants something which he obviously doesnt - and then when I call his bluff (by swapping his cereal hoops for weetabix for instance as he asked) he gets upset/looks confused because he didnt really mean it and its just a game/attention-seeking. DS also has controlling manipulative behaviour patterns at times which again are linked to age and to the adoption/attachment.....so perhaps she is trying to control you in order to try and 'keep' you?? 

Dont know if all that makes sense. Try and talk to her. If you get no answers then it may just be a case of going with it and as she gets older and settles more, it will pass as just a phase.

And no I dont think you are silly to raise it! if its bothering you then you should talk about it (thats my attitude anyway!) Parenting is hard enough without support/discussion and toddlers and adopted children are not always textbook or predictable! 

xx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you Iman. That helps a lot. She can be very controlling and manipulative. When I ask her why, of course she doesn't know, but DH thinks it's an attention thing (ie the attention isn't on her.... DH's birthday coming up, so that should be interesting..) but the 'keeping' thing is food for thought too. She hasn't had a 'mother' figure as such, ever. BM was very much in the background and although her female fc was at home all day, she was very busy with the younger children in her care so she attached primarily to the male fc.... (interestingly v rejecting of DH when she was first placed and an almost fascination with me to the point of über-clinginess).
Thanks - that really helped me try to understand. It is good to talk!

xx


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

The last bit you mentioned sounds like a replica of my DD (18 months old) and her experiences and how she is....
Hope all is well and she manages to come through it
xx


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