# Coping with other peoples' happiness



## Miranda79 (Jul 30, 2013)

Hi Ladies

I have very few follicles and a very low amh (2.4) and have basically been told getting pregnant with my own eggs isn't going to happen.

My DH has recently had a vasectomy reversal and whilst he hasn't had his 3 month test yet, his consultant said there was sperm waiting to get out and is very optimistic.

So - its just me and my screwed up body that looks to be our issue.  I am just 34.

But, my close friend had her first child 8 months ago.  We live some distance apart and I am seeing them for the first time this weekend.  

They are staying with us for 4 days - with baby.

I am thrilled for her but, as it gets closer find myself desperately sad and wishing they weren't coming.

I don't want to be one of those women that resents anyone for having a baby but I do.

I don't actually know how I am going to handle them being here.  I don't want to even hold the baby because, being my friend, I told her of my issues and now she is "oh thats so sad i'm so sorry" and looking at me all sorryful.  She cannot understand how it feels to be told you'll most likely never have your own child and I wish we could just go the whole 4 days without it being mentioned but I know she will.

I know i'm going on but I really just don't know how i'm going to handle it and I don't want it to ruin our friendship.


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## susie76 (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi Miranda, sorry to hear about the news you were delivered.  Firstly, don't give up all hope, my amh is lower than yours along with other issues, so it's certainly possible.

Your friend sounds like she had a sympathetic first reaction, so maybe she'll surprise you.  I tended to find that i was much more jealous/resentful of pregnant people (still am weirdly jealous of 'normal' pregnant people), but that with the actual babies i was fine, particularly ones of good friends.  They are still v cute and don't know any better!  We went to stay with some friends just a week after they had their baby (it was a pre booked, long-distance trip and their baby showed up a month early but they told us to still come anyway), and it was just after one of my BFNs - i did have a little tear when i first held the baby, we didn't need to talk about it but my friend was just so nice about it, and then actually i found it just nice to be with good friends for a few days.

Good luck and hopefully your friend will be understanding xxx


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## Lirone (Jun 5, 2013)

Four days is quite a long time. I wonder if it would help you to make some plans just in case you find yourself needing a break for a bit, perhaps some errands that you "need" to do, or a suggestion for places your friends could go to have a few hours out. You could even plan a treat for yourself - something that restores you a bit and allows you to be kind to yourself in a difficult situation. Or perhaps, if it's being around the baby that you're finding tricky, arranging for your friend's other half to take the baby out so you can have time just with your friend. If you cook up some plans with your other half in advance, he can help make it work. And even if you don't actually need to use your escape plan, just having it could help give you a feeling that you have a bit of control over a tricky situation. 

You could also think whether there are boundaries you could set for your friend - e.g. don't bring up the subject unless you mention it, and then stop when you ask her to. You could explain that while you're glad to see her and really value your friendship, you may need some time away from the baby. It sounds like your friend wants to make things as easy as possible but may not know how to help - so if you let her know in advance what you want, she's likely to try to stick to it. 

Hope their stay goes OK for you and good luck for the rest of your journey

Lirone


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## Miranda79 (Jul 30, 2013)

I just wanted to say thanks to susie76 and Lirone for replying.  Being resentful of strangers in the supermarket (and everywhere else) is one thing, but being resentful of friends .... thats not a life I want.

Wishing you all lots of positivity and happiness


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## JPeggy (Aug 2, 2013)

Hi Miranda,

I've had similar feelings to you and I'm guessing it's only a natural reaction because of the want for a baby is so strong. It wasn't until I was talking to a friend of mine who also felt the same, said that being around babies and young children helped her. They are innocent and don't know. Perhaps that's what you need is some downtime with friends and their baby? Perhaps this might trigger your inner maternal feelings and help? I'm very jealous of pregnant women I admit, but having thought about being around babies and children it brings me some comfort, and for just a moment holding that baby gives you a feeling of what it is like. Try not to be so hard on yourself. 

I've found that the more detail you are willing to tell those you confide in the more they learn about the situation, which highlights their own ignorance on the subject, the stronger your friendships become. 

I've been quite negative at times about the journey I'm on but that can only get me so far. We can get there from here if we keep moving forward one step at a time.   stay positive xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

you're going to be ok. It is MUCH easier to cope with a baby than it is with someone being pregnant. I know it sounds silly but it is. The baby will be a whole new person to get to know and charm the socks off you I bet. I struggled with my sister being pregnant and was very nervous of seeing her baby but when we arrived at her house she just shoved the baby in my arms and that was that, it made no difference at all whose he was or how he came to be, he was just this cute bundle of sweetness. It had been so much worse when she was pregnant but after, it didn't seem to matter. Sure there have been days when I think she doesn't understand just how lucky she is but being around her toddler is no problem at all. Babies are cute and yummy, just focus on the baby and not on your feelings and you'll be fine!


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Miranda

My heart goes out to you. It's amazing what you can cope with and i'm sure after shedding a few tears the 4 days will be fine and you'll get through it.
As for your AMH being low - well mine was similar to yours and I have a son. I cycled with girls at ARGC who had AMH levels below 1, who'd been told to move to donors and went there as their 'last go' before moving on. Everyone of the girls I met now has a child. Don't give up.... 
xx


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## olive0609 (Jul 25, 2013)

It is normal and understandable to feel envious of others who are having their own babies. Just be sure to allow yourself to feel those feelings, process them and then let them go because, at the end of the day, while they may be normal, they are not healthy and can even contribute to your continued failure to get pregnant. Try to celebrate the life that others have brought so that you will be more likely to bring in new life as well.


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## Debellis (Mar 13, 2013)

I am the same, I get really jealous seeing pregnant women, on the train, in the supermarket, and my heart sinks, even my cousins having babies getting preganant I dont want to see pictures on ******** makes me upset, but I dont mind babies, I am desperate for a child like many women on here so we all feel the same


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