# anyone had birth children whilst in waiting process?



## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hello all

Wondered if any one had any advice.  I am in the process of adopting from China, papers went in december 2006.  The wait from China has become very long, could be another 4 years.  I'm now 36 and considering whether or not to pursue donor insemination (I'm single)...but I wondered if anyone else had conceived whilst in the process of waiting, i.e. post panel but before referral.  It feels so hard to give up on the adoption if I try to get pregnant (which I might not be able to do, who knows), and I want to be aimed with some other stories to be able to talk it through with my social worker.  I'm not denying that my circumstances will change and will need reassessing, I just don't want them to rule it out totally - which is what I think they will do.

Anyway, any thoughts appreciated, my mind is whirring so much - I just don't know what to do. When I started this process 3 years ago I thought this would be the year that I became a mum!  

Thanks v v much

Best wishes to you all.

Lxx


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

I only know of one member who was approved to adopt, was waiting for a placement and then discovered she was pg and has since gone on to have her baby, she didn't go onto adopt......a bit different form your story though.

I'm not quiet sure if I have read your message right & I don't mean to be rude & this reply is not meant to be rude   BUT if you have waited this long so far what will another short wait really be.

There are no guarantees that donor insemination might work & then you've had to put the adoption process on hold as that is what would have to happen.

I'm sorry if I have read your message wrong & I hope you get the answers you are looking for, at the end of the day only you can make that decision.

Good luck for the future

Andrea


----------



## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Andrea 

Thanks for the message - not rude at all, if it was a short wait, I would definitely wait but the current prediction is a referral in 2013 which makes me 41!  I started the process at 33, and always had in mind that I might try for a birth child post adopting, and maybe having found a suitable man!!!  At the moment it feels like i could wait for the adoption which could fall through and then have left it too late to try and get pregnant, I'm not sure if I have any fertility problems as I haven't try to get pregnant due to not having a partner to do that with.  I know there are no guarantees with either of these routes,  I just don't want to go on hold in China, when with the wait being so long I could potentially have a 2/3 year old child before I even get to the top of the pile.  It's so difficult to know what to do....I was hoping that someone else might have had a similar situation.  I've heard that sometimes papers go on hold in China and they go back to the bottom of the pile...which means that i could then fall foul of their change of criteria. Ho hum....hopefully the right decision will appear!!

best wishes

Lxx


----------



## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Lulu,

Sounds a bit of a dilemma hun  , and can understand you not wanting to keep all your eggs in one basket scuse the pun didnt know how else to word it , I have a friend who is a single adopter who has adopted in this country recently now has a 15month daughter adopted daughter, again she was getting into her late thirty's and wasnt sure if she would meet the right 'man'.

Could you not consider this country for adopting? I doubt they would keep you waiting until 2013 again I dont know your reasons for choosing china, and I might sound a bit rude here but dont mean to just trying to look at different options for you you might already of considered this.

Good luck and take care


----------



## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Hello Lulumead,

What a dilema you have! Sending you big hugs as I'm know the decision can't be an easy one   

Before DH and I decided to go for domestic adoption we did look at international and we went to a very useful open day at the IAC (they're really helpful so might be able to offer you some advice if you give them a call - you can find their number on their webiste: www.icacentre.org.uk ) but 1 thing I do remember is a tale they told us about a lady who was adoption from overseas (I think it was from India if I remember correctly) and then fell pregnant, sadly they didn't allow her to continue with the adoption - this was for a variety of reasons but they included the fact that just about all SW's want to know that you have totally accepted not having your own biological children and that you recognise the particular needs of an adopted child, especially those from overseas and rightly or wrongly most SW's seem to believe that it's extremely hard to do this if you have a young biological child whilst waiting for your placement to go through.  Sorry if that's not the news you want to hear, I know it's so hard isn't it, especially when the wait is so long!   

If I were you I'd give the IAC a call and have a chat with them, they might have some good advice to get things moving more quickly for you or at least help you make your decision. And I'd look into Dawny's suggestion too, unless there's a specific reason you don't want to progress domestic adoption (I have a good friend who was approved for overseas and then moved to domestic adoption and has had her daughter with her for over a year now).

Take care honey and hang on in there whatever you decide.
Sarah
xx


/links


----------



## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Dawny

Thanks for the email. I definitely would consider adoption from this country, I was just told that pretty much unlikely to get a child under the age of 5, which felt very different from adopting a baby (my main reason for going to China), plus the contact that often comes with adoption in this country I felt unsure about - although feel less worried about this now.  When I started the adoption process my social worker said it might be possible to adopt a child of about 2/3 but that being matched would probably take much longer than China (when I started it was thought to be a 2 year process), ironically if I had gone down the domestic adoption path I might well be matched by now...so difficult to know what to do for the best.  I feel really positive about adoption as the way to make my family but I always said that I might like to experience being pregnant if I can.  I suppose I can only wait and see, and hopefully I will make the right decision.  Congratulations on your daughter, fantastic news.

Lx

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your message too - i did email the IAC but they weren't particularly useful.  My social worker is lovely but the  situation seems to be that they need to consult with the adoption panel as they don't have a policy for someone who is waiting for referral and who could potentially have a birth child who would meet the required 2 year age gap in the process of waiting.  Its made more difficult because if they make me go back to homestudy stage I wouldn't be eligible for china anymore as they no longer accept adoptions from single women, plus I couldn't afford to do it all again!  The thing I find hard, is the whole assumption made that people choose adoption when they have no other path.  I made a proactive decision (I'm sure this is true of lots of people) to adopt and I always thought that once I had adopted I might be able to have a birth child...I don't see one being at the exclusion necessarily of the other.  They both have their challenges, and I know its got to be for the welfare of the child which i totally agree with. Anyway....
Well done for your panel meeting - its a great feeling when you get approved isn't it!  Hope you get matched soon.
Lxx
PS out of interest how old was the child your friend adopted...having been told its unlikely to be able to adopt a small child in this country, I keep hearing stories about babies being adopted by single women!!


----------



## CherryWoo (Nov 1, 2007)

Hi Lulumead, Me & t'other half were also all set on the China path before the wait times went up. We'd even picked names etc. :-( We come from Northern Ireland & firstly enquired about domestic adoption, but were told it was very unlikely that young children would be available, & I was a bit freaked out about contact too (although I know it's works really well for some). We recently attended an IC-adopters info day, & a lady was there who had given up on domestic adoption after waiting four years with no placement :-( I guess every area has different types/no.s of weeuns available, who different people feel able to give a loving home to tho.
We are still waiting for homestudy to start due to a lack of SW here (may take 1.5 yrs)- bummer!- but I now think we may go for Thailand. On the preggers front, we were told at the info day that, if anyone became pregnant, they would have to pull out of the process. Sadly I don't believe that LA allow people to pursue both paths at once- sorry to be the bearer of disappointing news. 
China themselves now allow people to put in applications for more than one country at once due to their long waits, but again the UK authorities won't allow it. The system for adoption there seems to be so well regulated that we wish we had known about our IF yrs ago & put an application in then.
I know what you mean about experiencing being pregnant tho. Sometimes I feel sad about it & wonder if we should have tried IVF, but I know that when I have my child I won't care who's tum they grew in. It's so hard to know what to do for you when donor insemination may or may not work?! I would be tempted to keep on the path to a beautiful China babe if my papers were already in (wish they were). Our pals have a wee angel from there who is the most beautiful babe I've ever seen. 
Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone on the IC adoption route, & that I understand how hard these choices are. Sadly people see celebrities getting children from these countries very quickly, & don't understand that for plebs like us it takes MANY years & that we have to through home study, panel etc like any adoption, & are NOT buying these children like insensitive oafs who don't have a clue think. I hope you are able to come to a decision that you feel truly comfortable with, one way or another.
Jen xoxo


----------



## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Lulu,

My friends baby was 13 months old when she was placed with her and she's just gorgeous!  

Good luck honey with your journey
Sarah
xxx


----------



## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Lulu,

just to also add dont assume there is always contact with the birth family each adoption is different due to needs of the child and circumstances of why they are been placed for adoption.  Many only have letterbox contact and even though you were thinking of international adoption I  guess this doesnt main they sever all ties of there birth of origin, and I guess may raise different issues as the little one grows older a lot of domestic adoptions have their own life story book which is really useful to help them know where they came from my dd has a lovely one and although too young yet I am hoping it will help fill some of the 'gaps' for her when she is older.

Good luck again

Dawmy

xx


----------



## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Dawny

Thanks - you're right, maybe I need to think again about domestic adoption as contact might not be such a big thing as I originally thought, although again if I do that it would probably have to be after I've given trying to conceive a go.  Not sure I can go through another adoption process waiting for a child with no idea of timescale. Although of course no guarantees with DI either.  With China there would be no contact with any family, as they are abandoned children but of course you would want to maintain as strong links as possible...this obviously brings up other issues for the children involved. xx

Hi Sarah
Thats good to hear!
xx

Hi Jen
Thanks for your email - my social services want to create a new policy!, they don't have one for someone post panel, who is waiting with extended wait times who has proactively pursued adoption before any fertility treatment and now might want to get pregnant!  Quite specific then!!!  I think they really want to be supportive, they just don't know what to do.  At this moment in time, my circumstances haven't changed so I can just continue...but I don't think I can wait the predicted times which is another 4.5 years from now if they continue at current referral rates.  I feel like they would have to speed up significantly to make any real impact on this timescale.
I can't believe you have to wait so long before even starting your home study, that is hard.
My reason for pursuing adoption in the first place was because I didn't feel like i needed to grow the baby myself! But I've been ready to be a mum for about 8 years, been on the adoption path for 3 already and just don't want to wait another 3/4 years...I know as soon as their is a child it won't matter but its hard doing the waiting isn't it?  If China was a year away I wouldn't be worried at all....but 4.5 years seems like forever.
Good luck - hope you can get going soon.
Thanks again for your message - its really good to hear others stories and points of view, I find it really useful to help my thinking.

Lisa
x


----------



## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

Only a quick one from me however i have 2 children and they were both under 3 when we got matched to them- i know someone from our LA who is matched to a single child under 1yr old!

they (social workers) will tell you worst case info as they dont/cant have everyone wanting babies!

good luck

Mez
x


----------



## ChrisA (May 12, 2005)

When we were going into this process we were told that we would have to use contraceptives while we waited [you couldn't make this stuff up ].

So whatever you do, do it quietly.

Chris


----------

