# DH is down.... and I'm floored



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I just don't know how to help him. Of course, he is a man - and so he "doesn't want to talk about it". He has managed to communicate that it is about our childlessness/loss and he also lost his mum a couple of years ago. He is spending a  lot of time on his computer games (which I guess is his way of retreating into his cave, as men do) but what really worries me is that he drifts off into deep silences. I know that look on his face - I have been there. It is like you are so down you don't even have the energy to 'hold' your face in any kind of expression (kwim?) I give him lots of cuddles and hugs. It seems that's all I can do. He won't go to see the doctor. Any advice?
Bernie x


----------



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

It is a difficult one isn't it. My DH also keeps it to himself and then he will go out and have a drink (2 pints is usually enough these days for him) and then lets his guard down and has a cry. Not in front of me but he will tell me why he is sad and why and then goes into the bathroom to shed a tear. He finds it easier that way. Christmas is so difficult as all the shops have cute things for kids, everyone at work is talking about the family festivities and we forget that our DH's have to listen to all this c*** as well. Mine works with 2 men that both have very young families and talk about them everyday, he finds it very difficult especially as they all get on really well. It sounds like your DH needs to have a cry to get some sort of relief, you may know of a way to get him to express that. I do not have any tips I'm afraid. I have found that having pets gives me and DH something to nurture, if you don't have any have you thought of getting one or is he not a pet person! We have a dog and two cats now and they bring us a lot of joy and keep us busy. Obviously not what we really want but still and wonderful distraction. I do feel for you hun.x


----------



## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

That's really tough. My DH does the computer game thing too, and I totally know what you mean about being so down you can't even arrange your face.

The thing that popped into my head when I read your post and Yamoona's reply was that I agree about needing a release. When our first IVF failed, I went out and bought a punchbag, and it's brilliant (actually it's a "slam man" - try it on google! They're expensive but there are loads of types of punchbag available at different budgets) you start to have a bit of a punch and before you know it, you're laying into him and exhausting yourself! It's a great way to get feelings physically out. Could you get him some sort of punchbag as a christmas gift? xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello again Bernie,

I know how hard it can be to see your man down and feel that there is little you can do. But the cuddles are so importnant and probably a great source of comfort to your DH, it shows you understand and care. Touch is a more fundamental form of showing love and support than words. Hugs are what we want when words are not enough, and we show care to babies and the pets we may have who cannot understand our words.

My DH ddid not talk much about his feelings either and I realised it was partly as he did not want to upset me any further, as well as the man thing like thinking he should not dwell on things but move on. Before I understood this I even thought he did not care as much as me. But one Christmas time I came home early one evening and found he had lit the (then) 6 special candles I had for our lost children. He had placed them in the window and was staring out into the dark. So he had found ways to express his grief. Seeing that made it easier for me to understand that he had his own ways to deal with his sadness. Maybe your DH is doing things like that quietly on his own too?

Emmags idea about the punchbag is a good one as it is a chance to let out anger and frustration. My DH actually had one in the office! He also does a lot of physical activity that I think helps to release stress.

Keep hugging him honey _ it will do both of you good!

Love Jq xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Bernie

Am sorry you are going through this at the moment with your DH. What you are experiencing is something that seems to crop up for many of us with our menfolk.

Don't know if you'll find this relevent to you or not hon... I know my DH seemed to be able to 'allow' himself to feel down when I seemed to be able to 'handle' it more if that makes sense? Its like he was my rock, then when I began to 'move onwards' (for want of better words)! he was the one who crumbled and I became his rock.

I think you are doing all the right things, because the human touch with the hugs and cuddles and simply reiterating you are there for him is letting him know you understand he is down and you care and you are there for him... hopefully when he comes out of his cave he may be able to verbalise how he is feeling.

Sending you much love because its horrible seeing our darling other halves suffer, especially when we know what the root cause is. Kind of makes you feel helpless hon doesn't it. 

Sorry I can't give you any pearls of wisdom this evening hon, thinking of you though...
Emcee xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for your replies - they all make a lot of sense. 

Yamoona: It is true - DH is having to listen to men in the office boasting about newborns plus the whisperings of women (cos apparently one of them is pg). We do have pets - 2 cats. And they give so much back. A couple of years ago, we actually indulged a long-held wish to own a maine **** and now have said kitty - a very high-maintenance cat, but worth every penny! 

Emmag: Had not thought of the punchbag idea - it would be a good vent. I also think dh needs to have a 'hobby'. He used to go shooting but has decided not to do that anymore. I have lots of activities that take me away from 'stuff' - but he only has his computer games. He does have interests - so I think I'll chat to him about maybe helping find a local class in something or other.

JQ: Your story about your dh brought tears to my eyes. So touching. I reckon you are right that he is finding little ways of remembering. He has always been a quiet type - but I know he feels things deeply.

Emcee: You are spot on - we do the same thing. DH is my rock when I am hurting, but when he sees that I'm coping (which I am at the moment) he then 'allows' himself to show his sadness. I guess it is a good dynamic. It feels like we are two soldiers holding each other up admidst the battle of life - and grief.

Thanks everyone for your support. I'll just keep hugging him until he's ready to talk - or not.
Bernie xxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

A hobby is a good idea. When all our tx was over my dh got back into golf. He is really good at it which makes him feel worthwhile again. Sometimes i would envy him this hobby. I took up art again but all the people in my class were much older than me. He has made a lot of good friends thru golf,his own age and not all of them have young children to bang on about!! In fact they complain more about teenagers.

I understand you not knowing what to do for him. My dh has been very down inside since his dd went to live with her birth mum in Aug.It was awful to see him cry and i suppose i have been the stronger one this time round. He is learning to cope better now with the situation but Christmas is always hard.

Emcee is right- my dh was strong for me when i fell apart and now i am trying to be strong for him


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Irisheyes. It is good to have an absorbing hobby - so I'm glad you hubby has found golf. Actually my dh is quite interested in that so (at risk of becoming a golf widow) perhaps I'll suggest it to him. Some of his work colleagies play. You say the people in your art class were much older than you - it sounds as though you no longer go – but perhaps you could continue doing your art at home? (Did you draw the mermaid - cos she's lovely!) I do mixed media 'things' (!) and thoroughly enjoy the experience of making them. I find it both cathartic sometimes - and relaxing. 
Sorry your dh is low. You are right Christmas is always hard. But I guess going through these tough times with our partners brings us closer in the end.
Bernie xxx


----------

