# Decisions, decisions – what now?



## Zenita (Jun 30, 2011)

Hello ladies,

I’ve browsed FF while going through treatment cycles (where else would you find out so much from such helpful people?)  but never felt compelled to join in until now. I started reading this part of the site late the other night and just couldn’t stop – stayed up ‘til 6 am reading all the posts on the thread Moving On: 10 steps to healing the heartache and leading a rich, childfree life. Powerful, moving stuff.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but it was surprisingly comforting to feel a sense of connection with people going through similar struggles (early days for me – BFN on Sunday). I am inspired and uplifted by your generosity in sharing your stories, hugs and words of wisdom – you are all so kind, brave, caring and supportive, and you really are making a real difference – not just to the people posting on this site, but the many people browsing too. Reading your posts I was thinking “that’s me”, or “that could be me in time”, or “blimey I think I’ve got it bad – it could be worse”. Thank you for sharing so much, and I wish all of you every happiness as you move on.

I don’t know whether I qualify to be on here because (unusually for me) I really don’t know what I’m going to do next,  but this feels like the right place. I’m giving proper serious thought to living without children (previously this was limited to 2 words – giving up). I am giving adoption some proper thought too (although that just feels like having to start on an epic trek without a map or any equipment, having just crashed off the IVF mountain. And I’m not even sporty).  And I haven’t ruled out a final DE cycle (partly because that was sort of the plan) but I don’t know if I can bear to put myself through the hope again. And I’m feeling angry and disillusioned with the fertility industry in general – it’s amazing when it works, but there’s a lot of fobbing off and lack of proper information to make informed decisions – it feels like a massive placebo experiment with mental torture thrown in for most participants.

Feeling scared too. I went through a very dark time after the donor egg cycle – had been so convinced that if I got the whole genetic thing in perspective this was almost bound to work ‘cos the odds were so much higher. Then crashed badly – couldn’t go to work for a few weeks, had anxiety attacks for months, couldn’t even start treatment again for over a year, and had to work really hard on re-building myself. Don’t think I’m going to crash as badly this time – all that work I did last year is still helping now – but I hate feeling vulnerable and out of control, especially at work.

So many hopes and dreams for my 6 little embryos – all named of course. And so vivid – I could really see and almost touch the future – it doesn’t seem real that it won’t happen.  And it seems like our lives have been geared around fertility treatment and doing all the right things to be able to have a family for the last few years, and now we need to try and remember who we were before that, and build an alternative future.

I would like to join you here even though I don’t know what path I’ll take next – is that ok? I think it would help me to work out what to do, and to believe that whatever decisions I make will turn out to be the right ones because I’ll adapt my life accordingly and find ways to stop tormenting myself. I would love to hear how you came to your decisions on moving on or trying to adopt, and what you did to make it the right thing for you.

Zenita
Xx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Zenita,

 to you for being in a place where you just dont know where to step next ... its not easy.

It might be worth you popping in on the adoption threads and asking them how they came to the decision to adopt as sadly that route isnt one the ladies on here are going down    Sometimes its not choice that the ladies on here have in deciding to stop - sometimes we simply have no choice.  Whether that be down to medical/financial/emotional reasons etc

All I can say to you is if you feel you have a door open still - then go for it - because in years to come you might sit back and think "if only"  

I really do hope one of these doors are stil open for you - but if you need any help then please shout and we will answer you truthfully about our experiences.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Zenita,

I'm sorry to hear about the BFN.
Donor eggs tx does tend to be presented as The Answer, so when it fails it must feel like a massive blow. We are thinking about it but I am still undecided, though if I knew it definitely would work that would be different.
I have to say that adoption isn't always the answer, though I apologise if you don't want to hear that at the moment. We tried three times and were rejected three times. It's a long and difficult path and definitely not for everyone. We never even got off first base, we were rejected after the initial visits. 
As for me, I was doing a bit better. Today I gave a presentation at work, which went well. Came back home only to find that a neighbour was hosting a child's birthday party and her garden was full of kids. I really didn't need this today! Every scream, every shout, every murmur from a parent felt like a slap across the face. It hurts that much. 
Strange, the presentation I was so pleased with doesn't seem so important anymore.   
Nothing ever fills this gap. Nothing. And nothing ever stops you feeling you're not a member of that club. 
I just wish it was possible to get away from families altogether and go and live on a desert island. 
You're not in control, as you've experienced; your body is. That's just so hard to accept. And sometimes I find it so hard to cope with the way some parents treat their kids.
I think Debs is right about the open door, by the way. At least it's worth trying. We've all got enough pain without looking back at 65 and thinking 'if only'.
Look after yourself.

Rowanxxx


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