# I'm new to ff and in need of a buddy



## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi, just thought I would tell my story so far.   we been ttc for 3+ years.
Xmas time, my now dh and I decided the time was right to ttc, stupidly I said no, new years day, cos I wanted a good drinking session on years eve  .
6 months on, I was starting to get severe pains with every period, passing out and throwing up  . So went to dr and she just said welcome the real world you been on the pill for 17yrs, you don't no what real period is  .  So another 6mths passed and the pains got worse and worse, it got to the point I was scared of my periods and wouldn't leave the house when due  .  So after been back & forth to see dr over the 6mths I finally refused to move from the surgery until some tests were arranged, I refused to believe this was simply period pains, I never heard anything like it.  .  3mths later I was on the operating theatre for nearly 4hrs, I was in a real mess inside, severe emdometriosis and a large cysts on my right ovary, they removed the cysts and as much endom as possible.  My options were to get on with fertility treatment or hysterectomy  .
Later tests were to find the right ovary no longer works  
6mths clomid and nothing, amazingly quit smoking 2 months prior to icsi but bfn jan08.
Day after results, my now dh said we should do something nice and set a date for the wedding and go on honeymoon before deciding on anymore treatment.  
So the wedding was booked for 6wks later, quick I no aha but we desperately wanted a holiday and also new we had no time to waste in putting off the fertility treatment for too long.  
My parents divorced 20yrs ago and they hate each other, so as always they caused uproar, if she there I won't be and vise versa, so told them it was cancelled and went ahead without them.  They haven't spoken to me since  
My wedding day came and it was the perfect day (well nearly), was the only day I smiled last year   2 days later we jetted off to cube for 2 fab weeks in the sun, however, on day 3, I fell and had a cast on to my knee and parked in a stinking wheel chair for the rest of our stay  .
Anyway icsi try no 2, 2 embies but very weak and dr not sure as to whether to put in, but decided they would you never no, and just advised I go straight home and do pretty much nothing on your 2ww  
On the way home, some idiot reversed his car into mine (I parked up) and nearly knocked me out of my seat, I wasn't hurt, just worried for my embies as they already weak  . the other driver just drove off.  There was nothing the hospital could do, just had to sit it out and hope for the best  
I finally got home, shaken but ok and finally put my feet up and after that was definately gonna do nothing.
However, the same afternoon, my boss called and said I was needed into work and unless I was dying I should go in (I hadn't told work cos wanted to use any poss time off as sick), after 3 days, I finally gave in and went into work as they wouldn't stop calling   I was being made redundant, the company was closing down, I just couldn't believe it   so needless to say I got bfn sept08   and haven't found another job since either  
Anyway come dec time and everything that had happened just got on top of me and I couldn't bear anymore, i started smoking again, stupid I no, cos will only have to quit all over again  
I've tried accupuncture, but didn't really help and sick of needles anyway.  Went to see a councellor in Dec and she advised I definately need to speak with others in similiar situation and my dh and I have no support at all.  she recommended this site, so here i am, moaning on as always.
I felt I needed to write it all down, might help me make sense of it all or at least let go a little.  I think about this 24/7 and it drives me insane, I wish I could turn my brain off  

If any of you have managed to read this and haven't yet slit your throat   and would still like to be my buddy  . Please get in touch.  I'm in desperate need of help.

Howlett xxx


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

Hi Howlett    and welcome to a very informative site, you'll meet lots of people in similar situations

Wow you certainly have had a run of bad luck, so sorry to hear about your operations, funny as I was on the pill for 9 years when I stopped I too started getting horrific period pains but no endo or anything like that, I really feel for you   

There are so many boards on here am sure someone will be along shortly to show you in the right direction, see you're doing isci, is that in uk or are you overseas? 

are you still smoking? am on patches which are working a treat, so far so good

Best of luck in your journey    

If you need any help, just holler   

Larkles
xx


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## caz24 (Nov 25, 2004)

hey there,

sorry youve had so much bad luck,   hope things start to come good soon hun  

i quit smoking a few years ago now and couldnt of done it without the patches, (and plenty of mints lol)

take care xx  


caz xx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hello howlett and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, you've been through so much    I can really symapthise with the period pains as i've ended up having to be driven to a&e a few times because mine were so bad. It sounds like you have a very lovely and supportive dh 

You will find tons of support and useful information on here. Here are some links you might find helpful at the moment. Please do have a look around and explore and start posting around the boards and making friends. FF is a wonderfully supportive community and you can only get the best out of it if you start posting and joining in so, please do so.

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Post Negative Cycle Support ~ *CLICK HERE

*What can improve egg quality and quantity ~ * CLICK HERE

*Endo ~ *CLICK HERE

*ICSI ~ *CLICK HERE

*Giving up Smoking ~ *CLICK HERE

You can have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have 4 newbie chat sessions in the chat room every week on (*Wednesday*), where you can meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

Wishing you lots of   

Amanda xx


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## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

Hiya,

Welcome to FF, sounds like you have had one hell of a time of it!

The people on here are just great and they really know how to make you feel better about things.

I too didnt have any of my family at my wedding and they haven't spoken to me for years now so i know how hard it is to go through this and not have your parents to speak to.

Big hugs and PM if you ever want a natter or a good ole moan

SB


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi there,  

Thanx for your messages and kind words everyone, just felt I needed to unload it all, had another huge row with dh last night and cried buckets, didn't realise a body could hold so much water, they have to run out soon  .

Hi larkles, i've done both icsi cycles at bradford/Leeds in the UK and yes sadly still smoking, I go for a follow up April 1st, April fools day would you believe  so if another go is definately an option, will quit again.

Hi Caz, I quit smoking also using the patches, but found it alot easier than I thought I would, probably cos i'll do anything to achieve my dream.

Hi Bambam, I slowly working my way around this site, just hope i'm replying to everyone as your supposed too, if not please let me no, I don't want anyone to think i'm ignoring them, can you not reply to each person? like I received a message from each one of you.

Hi SB, thanx for your message, this site is great, I been in the chat rooms a few times now, and some days actually had me laughing, haven;t done that in a long time  

How are you all dealing with this situation and where do your find your strength from?

Sorry if i'm breef, just testing really whether actually answering in the correct way.  Please someone let me no if not. 

Take care
Howlett xxx


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

Howlett-You're doing great in replying to everyone, you'll soon be a dab hand at this  

Larkles
xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi Larkles, 

Thanx for that, I just got the feeling was doing it all wrong aha  
You have been thru so much yourself, how do you deal with it all?  I just feel like i'm going stir crazy at times  
Do you have anyone around you, you can talk too? 
I've got to admit this sites been helpful got tons of information, been on here for hours over last few days  

Take care 
Howlett xx


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

Hi Howlett

I spend most my time on here    where I have found heaps of information, no I don't have anyone to talk to except the ladies here, there's only so much dh will put up with! 

Dealing with it all takes time, tears, frustration and hope, I want to have a child so much, it's very hard to "let go" some people do but am not at that stage-yet. 

Did you find any boards with Leeds/Bradford? I had a quick look but nothing mentioned. 

Larkles
xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi Larkles,

I'm glad I found this site  , cos like you there is only so much my dh will take  , we only have each other to take out are anger and frustration out on, we had another bust up again last night  , it's just, sometimes he seems to carry on like he hasn't a care and I always moaning or crying and he makes me so angry  .  We've spoken of divorce so many times and haven't been married a year yet  .

He sick of me moaning and being upset all the time, when there is nothing he can do, he wants to get on with adoption, but like you, i'm just not ready to give up yet, we have managed to agree on one last shot, 3rd time lucky an all.  But to be honest i'm dreading it  .  If truth be known I don't want to do it again, but I have no option if I want a child of our own.  The desire for a child is just so strong I can't let go and just hope against hope that one more shot will do the trick.

I haven't come accross any boards about leeds or bradford yet, are all the hospitals on here too?
I have the drugs and scans at bradford, then onto leeds for ec and fet.

I see you travelled around abit, that must be stressfull also?

Thanx so much for writing to me  , I don't want to discuss it anymore with dh unless I have to.  Sometimes I love him so much it would kill me to lose him too and then other days I hate the ground he walks on 

How do you and your dh get on or is it a similar thing for you?

Take care
Howlett xx


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## Lynschez (Oct 24, 2008)

Hi Howlett, just wanted to say hi!

I'm pretty new to this site too but have found lots of useful information and friendly people to pick you up when you feel down - and to listed when you want to rant too  !!!  Especially when you've not got too many people around you to talk to (like me) FF is a godsend.

Although i'm not having same tx as you (IUI for me), feel free to PM for a chat, moan or rant anytime  

Lyns x


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi to you too lyns,

Yeah this site has been amazing, the one thing i've noticed you don't have to wait around like everything else  .  Thought it might take days or weeks even to get a response  .

I joined last Thurs and been on here every day since, everyone is so lovely and friendly, makes you realise your not alone after all.  In fact there are thousands out there  

I don't know anyone that has even ttc and taken awhile let alone having treatment.  I come from a large family and never gave it a second thought would have any problems  

How are you and dh coping with it all?

Take care
Howlett xx


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## Lynschez (Oct 24, 2008)

Hey Howlett,

DH and I don't really talk too much about the whole ttc.  I think men tend to deal with things very differently to us women folk    We haven't really argued as such, it's like an unwritten agreement that we say the bare minimum about it all and i just tell him what he needs to know and when    Hence the reason finding this site was a godsend!  It's helped greatly with the need to   DH at times!

Have you any plans for your 3rd ICSI tx yet?  If it helps, my sister's best friend has just given birth to two gorgeous girls last week following her 3rd ICSI - they are so gorgeous and made me realise that all the ups and downs of this journey can be well work it!!!

Lyns x x


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## Felicity Wishes (Feb 18, 2008)

Hi Howlett.... think we spoke in the chat room the other day   welcome to FF, it really is a great place, offering so much support, advice & information on every aspect of infertility and so much more!

Sorry you have had such a rough time lately, So its not just me   - I am sure things will get better and your time will come.  I too have severe Endo and know the pain you have gone through, I went through years of passing out and horrific pain and  was told ten years ago I needed a hysterectomy! but I am still here, pretty much intact and keeping going, all we have is hope, so we have to keep it! 

You mentioned finding it tough talking to DH... me too, I find it really hard to communicate with mine over infertility and so hard to explain how I feel and I know he finds it really hard to deal with too and I don't think I am alone, there are loads of girls on here who say similar!  But hopefully now you have found FF you will feel you are not alone and can talk to us all

Wishing you all the luck in the world  

FW xx


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

Howlett hun, my geography is so bad I had to google where Leeds is  think i found it, link here for Yorkshire board-is that right? I saw a few people there asking about clinic in Leeds, unless Yorkshire has a Leeds too? 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=256.0

Yes arguing the same as you, have had a lovely peaceful evening due to him being a s**t  divorce is mentioned quite often...watched a lovely cd movie on my computer called the ultimate gift-heaps of tears

Hope you have a better evening  

xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi Lyns,

You have a good plan, not speaking with dh unless you have too.  That's what I plan to do from now on  

It's so nice to hear when it works, gives you more hope to keep trying  

I've got a follow up appointment next week, april fools day would you believe   It was all blur last time I got my bfn so didn't really take much in, of what they told me, but they mentioned some new drugs to try, if we decided to go again.  So that's the plan so far  

I see you started IUI end of Feb, not sure what the procedure is for that, but how's that going or gone for you?  

Take care
Howlett xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi Felicitywishes,

I recognise your name from the chat room    takes abit of keeping up in there doesn't it   i'm sure I will get the hang of it eventually, you forget who you spoken too and what about  

This site is brilliant, so much information, my dh now says I never see him aha, well at least we not arguing, makes a nice change    I was in the chat room a couple of days ago and I was laughing out loud, haven't done that in a long time  

So you were told a hysterectomy 10 years ago? they do make you panic sometimes don't they, the hospitals I mean   They tell me i'm too old to be starting out now, I say there are women in there 40's having or even starting to have families and my response is, well they have nothing wrong with them  

I have a follow up appointment April fools day, would you believe  , so will see what comes of that.  They mentioned some new drugs to try, last time I saw them, but it was all a blur then, so can't remember what.

What's your next plan of action or are you having treatment at the moment?  

Take care
Howlett xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

hi there Larkles,

Thanx for the link, I will take a look and yes Bradford & Leeds are both in Yorkshire  , What area are you from?

Sorry to hear you had a bust up also, there such swines sometimes arn't they? I could really   bash him sometimes  

Hope you have had a better day today and have a fabulous weekend  

Take care
Howlett xx


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