# Adopting a 6 month old



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We're hoping to have a 6 month old placed with us soon and I'm struggling to find specific info on what we might encounter adopting this age. Everything I read seems to either be older or younger children. 
So my question is are there any good books that cover a baby being moved at that age (foster care from birth) or if anyone has been in the same situation and could pm me or respond here with their experiences.
Obviously the baby books cover expected routines and development but it's specifically the move at that age and its effects I'm looking for any advice on.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Real parents real children  by holly van gulden excellent resource for this and
A child's journey by Wang (very SW text but again highly recommended for all you would encounter.
X


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Have you considered joining the relevant 'due date' thread to chat with other parents on here of similar ages children?
Adopted or not, many babies go through the same things at this stage.
My little boy is 5 months now and there are also ladies with 6 month old babies on the May/June due date thread, perhaps you may find it useful as it's live so to speak and not just a book


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Although Barbados boy was 8 1/2 months when he came home, I think the real answer us it massively depends. I have heard of babies around that age really grieving for FC- crying inconsolably. He didn't do that but he did the following which he did not in FC:

1. Get a bit ill during intros- high temp and vomiting. I understand illness in those early days is quite common.
2.  Get tearful particularly on waking from naps/driving home- tears are a very rare thing for him.
3. Would cry inconsolably on waking, I think because he was confused about where he was. Ten weeks in, he grunts at us, only rarely cries which I think is if he has had a bad dream.
4. Was very subdued (for him), I only noticed this a few weeks in when his true rambunctiousness came out!
5. Would not take comfort when upset or in pain from teething- would push my hand away or throw head back when I was holding him (now he buries his head in my neck).
6. Routine changed- started getting tired earlier and waking for a night feed.

These things are not necessarily things to look out for but an indication of ways in which the move affected him. I think separation anxiety sets in between 10 and 20 months which can make a move at that time very difficult.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks BG and Gertie. I have the childs journey through placement which didn't give much insight at that age but I shall have a look for the childs journey.
BG one of things I did find was that night terrors and nightmares are not uncommon when moving at that age. The illness thing we're prepared for as it's compulsory for all children to be ill in winter and he's with older children at fc's so no doubt germs will be in full flow lol.
I think you're right in it really is going to be very individual just as it is for adoptive parents. Everyone handles things very differently. They're keen to get lo placed by 6 months because of the key development then. It's great in some ways for us because of course the younger the better but in other terms family and friends are just like "oh well at 6 months they won't know any different do it's business as usual!" Hugely frustrating. I try and say it's like me sending them to a foreign land to live with strangers and ban them from talking or writing anything to communicate with these people. It would be terrifying for us as adults who can have this explained to us let alone a baby who has only known one family to suddenly find themselves with different people in a different place.
It's good to try and find out the knd of things we can expect.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

To be honest, our approach was to (try) not to overthink things, carry on routine, look after him like you would a baby and nod kindly at but ultimately ignore comments like you describe! Then deal with any issues as and when as well as funnelling his care.

I think the big advantage of adopting a young 'un is that all the activities that are recommended for building attachments come very naturally- I.e. eye contact, skin to skin time and the general run of theraplay activities. With, say, a four year old, I would imagine you would need to make a conscious effort to do these things but with a baby it all comes very naturally.

I think the six month thing might be a bit of a misnomer- my friend's baby was crawling by six months and had begun solids at 4.5 months. My nephew, on the other hand, is now 4.5 months and I am not sure he is even going to be rolling over at 6 months! All babies are very different but I suppose 6 months is when, generally, babies start on solids and might start sleeping more and their digestive systems change a little but you could have a sitting up, moving one or a lolling around doing very little one, it massively depends.

Sounds promising, though, all going ahead now?


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Still not certain BG. We have to wait for final hearing. If po is granted and they believe it will be intros start 2 days later! So trying not to overthink things lol but am trying to prepare myself as best we can given our lives are going to change so dramatically with no notice.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

my baby is 6 months 3 weeks... 
up til maybe last month i felt i could predict him fairly well but lately, especially perhaps since we started weaning, he's a bit unpredictable, eg, suddenly crying when put to bed after being really good at going, or suddenly sleeping a lot or suddenly crying... i can't really call it from one day to the next as to how he will be at the moment. i'm just mentioning this because if you're suddenly looking after a 6 month old it would be automatic to try and 'figure it out' and it might be that you just have to take every day as it comes, and that sudden changes in behaviour aren't necessarily either to do with a)the adoption or b) anything you did. this might be self-evident of course, but i'm sailing uncharted waters.. 

it's an exciting age but you will have your hands full. good luck


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks goldbunny I'm sure that will be the case as 6 months is a point where they start to change so much.
It's more people's experiences of what they've experienced with the baby coping with the move and the loss and things they've done to try and help them through this process that I'm trying to find out more on.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

Our little girl was placed with us at 5 months old and to be honest she settled very well. Separation anxiety had not set in yet, which is probably why social services are keen to move them at this age and not a few months later. We followed the same routine as her foster carers as best we could. She seemed content from day one and we enjoyed starting the weaning process not long after she arrived. She got her first two teeth at around 6 months, so was only a little upset during this time. She has bonded very well with us and so far I don't see any negative effects of her move at this age. I was surprised just how well she adapted.

Some tips on what to buy -
A playmat as he will begin rolling and it's good for tummy time
A net feeder for weaning. Great for first tastes and very safe.
Ashton and Parsons teething powder - all natural and lots of people swear by them
We got a Munchkin inflatable duck bath as at 6 months most are too big for baby baths. Our baby loves this duck shaped bath. 
Bibs, bibs and more bibs - dribble bibs for all that teething drool and tommee tippee plastic ones for weaning. 
Stock up on calpol/nurofen for babies just in case (our lo in very prone to ear infections)
Ear thermometer.  They hate the forehead strips and won't stay still long enough to keep one on.
Can't think of anything more butWe found these to be very useful.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks someday,

That's fabulous to hear and I really hope our lo is the same for his sake. He's been rolling since 4 months apparently so we will get the low down from FC about toys etc although expect a jumperoo may be on the xmas list, I hear they're popular!
Good tip about the bath as that was one of my concerns as our bath is quite big and deep so won't be that easy for bathing. Thermometer we have and did opt for the ear one as had a hunch wriggly babies may be an issue with anything else lol.
I've copied the list of medicines to stock up on too so thank you and
Bibs is definitely something we need to get lots of as haven't bought any yet!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's quite hard to find sleeved bibs to fit 6m old but i really like these from asda

http://direct.asda.com/ASDA-Little-Angels-Cover-All-Bib/002662025,default,pd.html

/links


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks goldbunny will take a look at those.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

Wishing you all the best, Becs. Enjoy your bundle of joy! X


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## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

A Big Congratulations Becs.

What wonderful news,  please don't worry too much about reading lots and lots and trying to figure it all out before baby comes home  

It is so natural to want it to be "just right" and perfect for your new baby.  I had loads of anxiety in having our first, and I asked every ff going, and non-ff about what to read how to prepare etc etc etc, and one of my friends just said. "I didn't really read much just dipped in and out".

I raised an eyebrow at this to be honest, but she just said listen to your heart, you will get to know your baby, no two are exactly alike anyways and there is so much variation in the first couple of years.

She told me to "go with my instincts" which I thought was a bit wishy washy, but honestly this was some of THE BEST advice I received from anyone.  Why?  because it was no longer about comparing to anyone else, it was empowering because it allowed me to to just go with my natural feelings, and it allowed me to actually trust myself at a time I was filled with doubt.

Trust yourself Becs, you have waited so long to have a baby in your arms, every cell in your body says "mother" and you will bond, attach and  have all inner resources to get to know your new baby.  You will find ways of communication which are just magic and you'll be surprised by how much you "just know".  Try and relax and enjoy this first year because it does fly by.

A massive congratulations to you and your new baby 

LOL Daisy xOx


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Daisy....thats a fab post...even got abit tearry...what excellent advice...im gonna remember that when its my turn xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

So right Daisy. Lovely post xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Lovely post thank you Daisy.
My concerns as such aren't the normal birth mum worries about doing everything right but more insight as to how this poor baby is going to feel. 
Because lo is so young everyone seems to think lo won't remember and will soon bond etc but I keep having to say to people if I were to turn up on your doorstep tomorrow as a total stranger and take your 6 month old baby to live with me forever would they just accept it? 
I'm trying to get the understanding of how these devastating feelings could manifest themselves in such a small baby.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Becs,
I adopted a 2.5 yr old so don't have experience of 6 month old but I would say reading your posts that you're half way there as you recognise and accept that your LO will be grieving and will be affected by their move....  
Wishing you lots of luck CS xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thank you cs. It's so hard getting non adopters to also understand this including my own parents who have watched the programs, read the books etc and I had thought they'd "got" it. However it seems to have all gone out the window now lo is so young and it's really hard persuading them that I'm not this overprotective neurotic first time mum. Of course no one knows how lo will be as every child is different as is every situation and to a certain extent we will just have to work it out as we go along but to have some idea of what could lie ahead is helpful.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Becs

Congratulations  

You are absolutely right, young baby or not, the move WILL be very stressful for your little tot.  As Spaniel says, the fact that you recognise this and are under no illusuion that the baby will just seamlessly transition from one carer (and attachment figure), without a backward glance, will stand you in great stead.  In fact it would be more of a concern if your baby was to do that.

Your little one will need a very special approach, even if he/she shows few outward signs of distress, it will be very scary for them.

What really helped us when we adopted our baby boy (under one year), was to:-

do all the caring yourself (nappies, feeding, comforting)
Respond immediately to distress and be emotionally available
Have lock down for at least two weeks ( with no visitors), when baby arrives and don't pass baby around for 'cuddles', even if they seem ok with this
Lots of Mummy/Baby close contact, cuddles, kisses, skin to skin contact
Sing to baby
Take a photo of the three of you together and say 'Mummy, Daddy and X' ALL THE TIME!  This really helped DS
Think younger, new born
Don't do controlled crying
Go swimming, just you and baby.  No need for an organised baby swim class, just you and baby is best.
Keep a regular routine of sleep, eating naps etc so things become predictable for baby.
Be prepared to have some sleepless nights!  If baby is distressed then personally (for an adopted child), I would say don't be afraid to lift baby out of the cot to reassure them.  You will get to know when you can just 'shhhh, pat pat' and when you realky need to lift and cuddle them  . That's where your lovely sensitive/ instinctual feelings will tell you what to do.  I took DS out of his cot when he was distressed at night and it did not set us up for sleep problems.  He now sleeps 11 hours a night  
Be very very careful about what you let littleone see on the TV.  The news can be very traumatic.  Baby TV was great, much better than Cbeebies for babies with lots of rhymes etc
Oh, also if you can, then get a rear facing pram so you can talk to baby when out and about  
Oh, another thing    , if baby comes with a dummy, let them have it whenever they need it.  
Oh, one more thing   , keep baby on avent type suck bottles for longer

So much more I am sure but that's from off the top of my head anyway and this is of course my opinion only    

Wishing you such happy times  . 

Finally ....... wooooohooooo, CONGRATULATIONS what a fab fab age  . 

DE xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Wow thank you Dame Edna that is absolutely brilliant info thank you.
I love swimming so that's definitely going to be on our to do list. We've bought a rear facing pushchair so sorted on that one too. I'd like to try and learn some baby massage as well to help with calming and bonding.
The cuddles thing is going to be a nightmare initially I think but hope family will soon understand.
We've asked whether lo is in with fc's or own room but yet to find out. How sw doesn't know this I don't know  , but was thinking mat be better to put cot in our room initially either way, not sure.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

It is tough but try not to worry about whether people "get it" or not.  You have prepped your family and whether or not they accept it, you have to do what is best for your family. If it gets difficult just blame it on the sws!


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

thanks BG. You're absolutely right our lo's needs are the priority.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Great ideas - swimming is fab, my LO loves it too, I got the Waterbabies book to learn the techniques and you may want to invest in a little splashabout body warmer thing 
Have a look if your local sure start children's centre offers free baby massage or yoga, that's where we did our course and massage is a lovely calming tool.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks bc will have a look.


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

Hi Becs,
What an exciting (and anxious) time, hope you get positive news real soon.
Great advice already. I'll just add a couple we were either advised on by FC or SW that worked for us. 
Our LO was placed with us after just turning 6 months.
We had cot in our room for first 3 months approx to support bonding and be there when he woke. Just be prepared for little sleep the first few days, if you're anything like me, I couldn't sleep as I constantly worried if he was breathing, too hot, too cold. All the things a new mum goes through I guess lol.

Ok, good advice from FC was:
- to look out for a change in nappy habbits. It's common for them to get constipated or the other way, if they are distressed at baby stage. Also maybe develop a rash. None of that happened to us as he settled so easily.
- stick with all the routines for a few weeks, and if introducing change, then just one change at the time and let it become the new routine. Our boy was in a great routine thanks to a fab FC, so no need for us to make changes too soon, only as he developed and in line with that.
- FC gave us his bedding (fitted sheets, pjs and sleeping bags) and the travel cot (a premium model) he had been sleeping in, to keep it all familiar. He also kept his cuddly toy of course
- our boy was able to roll over at placement, but we got to experience all the other first it was so special, and you'll have lots of these too. We continued writing down "firsts" into the little book the FC had started.
- swimming: definitely great but source a nice warm baby pool (ask other parents for pools they recommend) and get a body warmer or at least all body baby suit.

Also, my health visitor suggested joining her at the local postnatal group at our healthcentre, because I was a new mum after all. I was worried about him being so much older than newborns, but the group actually was a total mix of up to 10 months old. Think this started 6 weeks into placement, half an hour each. Really liked it and was grateful for advice given there  regarding baby care, baby massage, etc.

Best of luck x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks Kaytie, again really great advice. We've asked about whether lo is in with FC or not but sw didn't know but I had already thought it would be better to move cot in with us initially so good to hear that.
The swimming will definitely be on our list and will need to check out local pools. I remember going some years ago with my nephew where we used to live and the poor thing was practically blue with teeth chattering so will definitely get the body warmer. As far as I know the only warmer one is the calmababy one but they are expensive.
Interesting about the postnatal group too although I bet that was scary! I'm looking forward to an adopters playgroup our la run once a month. I'm sure it will be different once lo is here and I'll feel more confident in joining in with other mums.
Definitely highly anxious at the mo with family and their expectations. I really thought they'd understoid adoption as they've read things I'd given them and watched some programs but now we're adopting such a lo my dad is being really dismissive about things we'll need to do. We casually said tonight we weren't sure when they would meet lo and he genuinely laughed and said it'll be the first day! I said it absolutely wouldn't be and tried to explain about funnelling etc and he just dismissed it as if I was just being gullible listening to what "do gooder sw's tell us to do"!
We are going to have to tackle this and I really really wish there was another book I could give them that specifically dealt with adopting a baby.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Becs, my agency offered short training courses (just informal, couple of hour chats, really) with family if it was thought to be beneficial.  If you feel confident enough, have a chat with your SWer about what they recommend in terms of reading or video or any useful material.  ((((hugs))))  Don't worry, you'll hold firm, and he'll forgive you when the weeks have passed.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks AoC,
I'm pretty sure our la doesn't do anything like that unfortunately. However we do live really close to my parents and sw is due out to us again before placement so I may mention it to her and see if she would be prepared to go and have a chat with them. Preferably making it seem like it was something they always did rather than us requesting it!


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Hello becs.  Congratulations  . Some great advice on here already.  All I would add is that each child is different and take advice from foster carer as they are the ones who know lo inside out.  Our lo was 9 months when she came home a month ago and was used to being in a very busy household and spent a lot of her time with a big extended foster family.  We had said to our fc during intros that we were going to keep family away for at least a couple of weeks and she said she thought that would be worse for lo because she was so used to being around a lot of people.  In the end she met our families the weekend after she came home at our house for a short period of time.  I know some will say that is far too soon and we did have some reservations about it but fc was right and she has thrived on being around our families, in short doses initially.  We have no other children or pets (foster family was 2 adults, 3 other kids and 2 dogs) so was a big change for her to have just us.  A month in and all the professionals are amazed at the difference in her and can't believe how well she is settled and how well her attachment to us is developing.  I was amazed at how well she settled with us but again, fc did an amazing job and had out photos pinned up all round the house (really wish I had made more of an effort with my hair etc!!) and had very good sleep routines which we've continued with.  We are very, very lucky in that lo is a very good sleeper, goes to sleep herself in her cot and has only had 1 bad night when we stopped night time feed and got quite distressed.  My head was telling me what fc had said which was don't pick her up but my instinct was to pick her up which I did and once she's calmed down in my arms she was able to go back to sleep in the cot so definitely go with your instincts and do what feels right for little one once you meet.  What you think you will do before you meet lo may well change once you've met and sometimes you have to forget about what you've read or been told and just go with what feels right for your baby. I hope that makes sense.
Good luck


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks sq9 and congrats! I read some similar posts on adoptionuk forum last night as well with some others with young ones introducing immediate family fairly soon and it's been ok. So that's definitely made me feel more relaxed. I think our lo is going to be similar in has older children in the household and gas been going to mother and baby groups etc. I think it's stressing me more than it ought because it looks like we're only going to be able to meet fc's a few days before very short intros if at all! So we have a lot to find out and do in a very very short space of time so I'm almost trying to second guess things.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hey Becs
Our situation is very similar to SQ9s. 
Loretta came from foster family of 7 people so very busy. It became apparent very early she needed stimulation during the day and our quiet household wasn't enough for her. We 'met' grandparents and siblings at the park in the first week and then slowly we have been building up meeting other friends and their little ones. Loretta loves being around other children and going out but we have kept the home her place of safety and not had many visitors at all.  Def didn't have anyone to house for first 2 weeks. No one else has so much as touched her yet either and certainly no picking up etc. 
we have been on play dates, to soft play and had several visits to grandparents now. I know this is not right for all LOs but for us we feel it's what Loretta needed. 
Shes been home 3 1/2 weeks now and thriving. Everyone is saying how well she is doing. 
Go with your instincts and def listen to what FC says as our FC def said Loretta will be ok with meeting people etc. 
xxx

Ps. We just got one if those laser thermometers. You just shine it on their skin and it reads their temperature. Very easy. 
Pps. Def need lots of dribble bibs
Ppps. A little tip my sister have me.....I just couldn't get my head around all the  bottles to start with. Get some ready made cartons in for emergencies in case you forget to make up some milk. I've needed them several times!
Pppps don't presume can wash everything still on 30! And soak anything too dirty. I made this mistake and now lots if beautiful dribble bibs stained.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

30 degree wash, what's that!?

I second what Lorella said. We could not have funnelled for a very long time with Pixie, he would have gone out of his mind. However, we have kept the flat as his sanctuary for a long time. Other than sws, the health visitor and FC no one visited him here until this week (three months in).  When we met people we did so at neutral locations. This has really worked, enabling us to be social with him which he loves, but reinforcing us and the flat as his home and security. He is still sometimes visibly relieved when we get home which makes me think that despite all his happiness at being out, there must be an underlying anxiety about moving.

Also, in the early days he was overwhelmed by larger group activities so we did smaller things and sing and sign has been a godsend, great for bonding


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

We're almost 2yrs in here and this is still very very true for us -"He is still sometimes visibly relieved when we get home which makes me think that despite all his happiness at being out, there must be an underlying anxiety about moving"
X


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

Hi Becs, 
Just catching up and our situation was (almost) exactly the same as sq 9's, even the way our little sound lol. How weird and funny.
When it turned out that we were adopting such a young child, our SW said that under the circumstances she'd advise 3-5 days alone with us initially. Ours also came from a very busy foster home, and when granny & grandad came for the first visit, he was so obviously pleased and happy to see new faces. They stayed an hour and could hardly peel themselves away from him, and had fallen in love with him right away. 
The FC had said he was very sociable and that is still so.
Definitely agree with recommendations to listen to advice but to pay close attention to your gut feeling.

PS: ready formula milk cartons,how could I forget, they came in so handy on the odd occasions.

Oh, and Becs, don't try to be supermum, believe me I tried. Sleep when the little one sleeps if you need it. Don't worry about the house. Lots of people actually gave me this advice but I did not listen. Got stressed, insecure and a bit miserable for a while until I changed that and just enjoyed being with our son. Time flies and I somewhat look back at how beautiful it was having the baby, then toddler. It was hard at times but looking back I would not want to miss a single day of it all.


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