# Hi - Anyone from Scotland? Advise needed please



## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Hello All,

I have not read all of this board yet, so not sure if anyone is from Scotland?
I am looking for some advise.

I have just had my second failed IVF/ICSI and it is now looking highly unlikely that I will ever be able
to conceive unless hospital can offer me some more tests and different treatment for our last NHS attempt which will be about 18 months away.

Anyway, adoption has been my long term plan if I was unable to conceive via IVF and following
latest failed treatment, I sent away for information from local authority and also private agency.
I was shocked to discover that in Scotland, they want the adopted children to keep in constant contact with their birth families. Has anyone here had experience of this?
I have always known that we would tell the child they were adopted when they were old enough to understand and that I would not mind them wanting to find their birth parents when they were older but I am not sure how I feel about constant contact.
Will the child ever feel like my child? Will the child think of me as mum if they are still in contact with birth mum? How confusing is this going to be for the child if he/she has been taken into care but then has to still see family
Sorry for so many questions but this has really thrown me, it was not something I was expecting.
Surely this is more like fostering than adoption??

I am not sure how I feel about this style of adoption and now feel like we may never get the chance to 
be parents.
Any help/advice from people who have experienced this in Scotland or elsewhere would be grately appreciated.
Also local authority won't accept prospective adoptive parents who only want a young child, must consider over 5yrs or siblings and they do not seem to like dealing with failed IVF patients and that is just what is said in the introduction literature so not sure we will even stand a chance of adopting anyway. Feel like all my options are being taken away from me, as if being infertile was not bad enough, adoption also looks like a minefield.
Sorry for the rant. So hope I am wrong about this.


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello, and welcome.

Now take a deep breath and relax!!!  If you've questions, you have come to the right place - we'll do all we can to answer them!

Firstly, adopted children ARE NOT expected to remain in constant contact with birth families.  This is very very rare (if fact, can't think of it ever happening)- if constant contact is in the child's best interests then the children are usually fostered long-term.  Adopted children usually take part in "letterbox" contact, which means that once a year we send a letter to the birth family, via the social work dept.  Don't worry about your children having face-to-face contact, it's extremely unlikely.

I'm in Glasgow, so can't really speak about Fife.  Generally speaking, a lot of agencies only take people who are willing to accept an older child, but if you look through the profiles here you will see that many people have adopted babies (my daughter was 16 months when she came to us).   I absolutely feel like her mum already, she's been home 7 weeks.  

Social Work will tell you the worst case scenarios to test you, but if it's something you really want to do, you'll get past that stage. 

Anything else I can help with, feel free to ask away!!

Bx


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## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Thanks Boggy,

I have read a few of the posts on here since I posted earlier this evening so I have now
read about the letterbox contact.
I think I will contact the agencies for some further information and find out if they have 
an information evening that we can go to for more information.
We decided a long time ago that we would like to adopt and I think we would make good parents but the thought of contact just really threw me.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you from starting the application process to bringing your dd home? We have been trying to conceive for 10 years and have done 2 IVf's over last 2 years so very used to long processes and waiting.

Thanks again for your advise.
Fifelassie


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi

We were 2 years almost to the day from first phonecall to our daughter moving in.  There is a lot of waiting involved which is hard and frustrating.  Some people are quicker, others take longer - but generally there isn't much you can do to speed things up.  My full breakdown of dates is in my signature box.  The waiting is absolutely worth it in the end!  

Bx


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## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Thanks Boggy,

Sorry never noticed your signature strip!!
Having now read most of this board I am feeling a little more positive.
I have an appointment on Tues to see if it is worth us doing a 3rd IVF (18month - 2yr wait, so good at waiting) or if now is the time to move on and look into adoption further.
Thanks for your help, def think we will try and go to informtion evening.
Fifelassie


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2008)

We're also in Scotland and in the process of adopting three children and they do have contact with their birth mother.  

The eldest (now 8 ) was 5 when he was taken into care and she needs contact at the moment; I'm not sure of the benefit to the younger two, but part contact is not an option.  Even at that contact is currently reducing - last time was a three month gap, this time four months and it will reduce down to six months and then we will assess it further.  

They still feel like our children, although we do get problems around contact.  Last time they were anxious before and upset afterwards and as a result we got some quite tricky behaviour.  

Once they are legally adopted all contact will probably be at our discretion - it is possible for the court to make contact a condition of the order, but rare as it is difficult to make the order flexible enough to meet the needs of the children as they grow up.  

I don't know about baby adoptions - I know were were too old by the time we have given upon fertility stuff, but have you considered fostering as an interim measure?  Many adoptions of older children do no work out, unless adopted by their foster carers. As a foster carer you get lots of expereince of children and gt to know children far more than you ever would purely be being matched with them and then you can choose to adopt if the option is available.    

Hope you find the right path for you

Bop


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## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Hi Bop,

I was reading some of your posts last night, it sounds like you have your hands full with 3
but you are doing a great job. That is very good that you are keeping them all together.

This whole contact situation sounds very difficult for the children, I think we will make an appointment
with SW to come and see us and give us more information or attend an information evening.

Thank you
Fifelassie


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi Fifelassie

First of all I'm sorry to read about your failed IVF's - I've been there many, many times and I know how it hurts....

I'm England but don't think things are so different here in terms of contact etc.
I just wanted to say that my DH and I were a bit freaked by the idea of contact when we first started with adoption. When, however, we learnt more about it, how it is managed, why it is important we have become more and more comfortable with it. As some of the ladies have suggested face to face contact is more unusual but letterbox is common.
I have found that s/w's often paint a worse case scenario to you to try and prepare you, make you think about what you can and can't cope with and to really test your commitment. Don't be put off by it at this stage.

As for how long the process takes - well it has taken us 14 months from initial phonecall to being approved to adopt. Now we wait for a match and that's like asking how long is a piece of string but the key for me is that now we are approved I know I will be a mummy but while persuing IVF I never had that confidence.

I would definately advise you to go along to an info evening - perhaps more than one, do lots of reading and generally find out more and take things from there.
Good luck and remember there are all kinds of children out there of all ages looking for families and social workers are seeking all kinds of families.

Love crusoe
xxx


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## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Thanks Crusoe,

Do you mind me asking, when you decided to adopt, how long did you have to leave application after last IVF. Our literature up here does not give timescale but on some websites I have read min 6-12 months.

I have just had review appointment following last failed ICSI and did not go as well as I hoped so now really seems the time that we need to make the decision to try one last time (2yr wait on NHS) or move on with our lives and adopt.

I have thought about adoption for many years and know we would be great parents, but as I am sure you understand it is hard to make the decision to finally quit trying to conceive and move on.
I would hate to think in years to come that there is another test or treatment I could have done that would allow us to have our own baby, but in the end we both just want to be parents, however we get there.
Why is life so hard??
I am only 29 and DH 36 but after 10yrs ttc I feel about 40!! Feel like last 10yrs has all been about ttc and feel we have not really lived our lives, but if we do decide to adopt I want to do it soon, don't want to waste anymore time.
Sorry for the rant!


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Hi I am in Scotland (east coast) and we adopted with a VA.  We were 18months from initial visit to our daughter coming home (and 6 months was a wait to get on a prep course and 6 months waiting for matching).  Despite being told there were very few young children we were matched to our DD when she was 18months (got her papers when she was 15months) so there ARE younger children around if you are willing to wait or look at accepting a child with an uncertain developmental future.

I think my VA wants you to be a full 6 months post treatment although our infertility story is such that it wasn't a problem for us as we didn't have any treatment options.

The 40 years rule can be a bit stricter up here from what I have heard but there were lots of older couples we met who were adopting toddlers and under 5s despite being in their 40s.  

The problem seems to be more a case of Scotland needing homes for children aged 3+ and many places closing books for families seeking children under 5. It is more about whether you are willing to wait for a young child or whether you could be loving parents to an older child or siblings really - not how old you are.  

Wishing you every blessing - whatever your journey.

Magenta x


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## Fifelassie (May 30, 2006)

Thanks Magenta,

Pleased to see you managed to get matched with your DD.
Glad to see there are some flexibilities too.

We would consider adopting siblings but at the moment we only have a 2 bed house and can't afford to move to anything bigger just yet, so would need to be younger kids who can still share a room for a few years.

Also think 1 child might be easier at first so that I could give them all the attention they need & deserve and then adopt a second child later maybe. Would love a big family one day.
Fifelassie


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## Lynnm (Mar 7, 2006)

Hiya There

Sorry it is a bit late posting, but I too am Scotland.  Our little Rainbow came to live with us in February of this year at the age of 11months (heard about him aged 7months) and have to say he truly is a rainbow at the end of a long and somewhat dark journey. 

Boggy and Magenta have answered your questions around the Scottish processes so I won't really go into them (unless you wish to know).  We used an agency in Edinburgh who were absolutely superb.  From the initial information afternoon to placement it was around 20months, we had periods of silence during each stage of the process and this was due to different factors affecting the length of time. 
  
Please let me know if I can be of any further help to you as I am thinking if you are from Fife you may go through Edinburgh.

Kind Regards
Lynn xx


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Hi Lynnm,

nice to see you here.  How are things going with Rainbow? great to see you again

magenta x


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## MACARONI2 (Aug 26, 2008)

Hi Girls

I am new to this site and have only recently decided to go down the adoption route.

Made initial call to Social Work last Monday, so am still waiting on information pack coming through, but have found this wee Scottish Thread quite interesting.  I am in the West of Scotland, so will go through Glasgow.  

Does anyone know how long it takes for the information pack to come through 

I hope to chat with you all, and hopefully can share some of your experiences with me.  (Sorry if that sounds a bit mental, but I am just finding my feet on the site and not quite good at putting thoughts/queries into words, so would thank you in advance for your patience. )

Macaroni2


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Hi macaroni! 

We waited about a week for one of our packs and the other arrived within about 4 days as I recall.  Our LA sent one but we had to phone three times to speak so the 'right person' first. One agency didn't even send us a pack despite asking.

I think it depends how busy they are and if they are activaly 'recruiting' adopters at the time you contact them.

All the best with your adoption journey - keep in touch.

Magenta x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi macaroni

I've just adopted through Glasgow and have had a really good experience with them.  Is it the Under 2's adoption team you've applied through (West of Scotland Baby Adoption Service)?  if so then they are notoriously slow at sending out info packs - don't be surprised if it takes up to 4 weeks!  They won't mind you phoning if you think it's got lost.

Let us know if I can help any further!

Bx


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## MACARONI2 (Aug 26, 2008)

Thanks Magenta for letting me know,  I will maybe give it until the end of the week to contact them.  

Hi Boggy - yes I have applied to Under 2's.  I had a lovely chat with one of the guys there.  I was only phoning up for a pack to be sent out and spent about 40 mins just chatting with him, so my first experience was really good.  He said there would probably be an info night in October, but we will get word sent out.  I was reading your ticker and see it took about 2 years for you to fulfil your dream, I bet it was worth the wait.

Take care  

Macaroni


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## MACARONI2 (Aug 26, 2008)

Hi Girls

Wee note to Boggy as I didn't want you thinking I was intruding by PM'ing you 

Got my pack thru this morning, phoned them up on Monday and the lady had my details right in front of her, so she posted just them off.

Have just a wee question for you - I have read the pack/info briefly, but there is a bit that says the birth parents may have a right to know who you are and where you live, which I find a bit intrusive.  I don't know how I feel about this, but I know my DH won't be too happy, how did you cope with that?

Any info from any of you would be really appreciated.

Thanks

Macaroni2


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hiya

This was something we've never come across - and I've not heard of it happening.  What does sometimes happen is that Birth Parents find out, but they're rarely (if ever) told.  When the Children's Reporter/Panel become involved, SW recommend that Adopters details are withheld but they can't be sure the Children's Reporter/Panel will agree.  

We have something called "A condition of Non-disclosure".  This is a legal thing put in place by the Children's Reporter.  It means that our surname, occupations and address will never be disclosed to the BPs.  It's not normal, but used quite often.  We have one because we have a very unusual surname and DH has a high-profile job and we could be easily traced.

I think SW are probably covering their backs with this one, but if you have any concerns they'll do whatever they need to make everyone is safe.

Feel free to PM me or post here!  I'm happy to help if i can!!!  

bx


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

I've never heard of birth parents having the right to know about adoptive parents.  

We have the potential issue that ours still have contact with their birth mum and are old enough to tell her their new name and address.  She is quite close, so there is also a chance we would bump into her or the wider family.  

Bop


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## MACARONI2 (Aug 26, 2008)

Hi Girls

Thanks for the info.

Have sent initial form back so I am just waiting for a date for the information meeting to come thru.  Was told it will prob be 1st week in October.

Can anyone let me know what actually happens at the information meeting?  DH is a blether, but I am quite shy.  Do we have to go into groups and discuss things. 

Also, what happens at the Prep groups.

Sorry for sooooo many questions 

Thanks

Macaroni2


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello  

The information evenings are relaxed - no one is expected to say anything, just listen to the social workers and usually there is an adoptive parent there to tell you about their experiences.  The atmosphere can be a bit odd - everyone sussing everyone else out - but the evening is nothing to worry about.  The social workers will tell you the worst case scenarios and it might all seem a bit depressing but they need to make sure you are really committed before taking you further (there's about a 50% drop out rate at this stage!)

Prep groups are a bit more involved.  There are some group exercises but when we were there the SW left the room    so we didn't feel intimidated!  

Ask away! - I'm happy to be at the stage when I can answer your questions!

Bx


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## MACARONI2 (Aug 26, 2008)

Hi Girls

Hope all your wee ones are keeping you busy!!   

Well, another step in the journey.... Got details thru of the Information Evening.  It's on Wednesday 1st October, we are chuffed at the date cos we are taking our wee neice and newphew to Arran for a week on the 4th.  When I first phoned it wasn't clear when the info evening would be and we thot knowing our luck it will be when we are in Arran, but its not.    

As you can see we are easily pleased!!!!!!!!  

Take Care

Macaroni2


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