# don't know if I have the strength to try again.....



## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Hi 
Sorry to come in with such a negative post but feeling really low today...just heard that two people i know are pregnant today and up till then had just about accepted I was going to have a break and get my body back to normal for a few months after failed ICSI (so gutted). I just don't know if I can bring myself to do another round of treatment.The success rates are so crap and its so expensive and i just don't know if I can take the risk of failure...to be honest I don't care what they do to me physically its the sight of yet another single blue line that terrifies me. To be honest thats all I've seen for so long so many months that i don't even expect it to work anymore.......     why is it so damn difficult it shouldn't be. 
Also ABSOLUTELY sick of no one having any regard for my feelings. Just because I have children doesn't mean I don't hurt with this.
My friends, my mum even my very cloest friends don't seem to understand just how much it hurts. They just blurt out when other are pregnant as though it has no effect on me and I'm sick of just smiling and pretending its ok. I've even had the fertility nurses telling me that I am 'lucky' as I am not in the same boat as the women who have never conceived...I'm sure its true but it doesn't help me feel better. Sorry for my ranting just don't know where to turn i think counselling may be my next move as I just can't seem to cope with my emotions and have no where to turn to.
xxxx.


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Please please please don't feel that you are alone.  I know exactly how you feel.  Every pregnancy you hear about is just like some-one rubbing salt into the wound.  I had a friend tell me today that "some people never manage to have another one.  It just happens that way sometimes"  (she has two, second an 'accident' when first one was 9 months old)  She thought she was making me feel better!  I think people just think that people should be grateful for one child, but until you have been through these feelings of yearning for another, and the guilt involved for the first one being alone, you just can't understand what it's like.

Pm me if you wnat to chat more, but , I hope you feel better soon.

emilycaitlin xx


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## hopeforababy (Sep 2, 2006)

Hi sugary,
So sorry to hear how your feeling, the yearning to become a mother again is very powerful, I too have children and am desprate to have another child though i'm sterilized (biggest mistake i've ever made) and yet to have it reversed. People can be very insensative they think because you have children you'll be ok and don't give much regard for your feelings, Well i do know how you feel  and wish you all the luck for the future    stay strong luv Hope.


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Thanks for your thoughts both of you. Its nice to know I'm not the only one....its just so hard that people just don't seem to understand, Hope good luck with the reversal and Emilycaitlin know how you feel re earlier pregnancy being easy to achieve just makes it more frustrating when it won't happen again. I've spent about £13k already and have multi problems one tube is badly damaged from endo and the other may have some damage (I had to pay for the op for this which cost £5k....) plus had an FSH test done and have elevated levels (am hoping this was cos it was done at the wrong time after IVF). Lets hope and pray its our turn next..
PS how do I send a PM - excuse my ignorance!!


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Hi,

Just click on the name of the person you want to pm, it will give you tehir details, scroll down to the bottom, and it say's 'send this member a personal message', click on that, and you can then send whatever you want.


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi there hunny, just been reading your post and suddenly realised i'm not alone in the world i get insensitive people saying the same thing to me all the time and the hardest thing of all is that its my family that say it to me.  Oh u have 1 child so u should be happy but that is so far from knowing how i feel yes i do have one child and yes i love him with all my heart but that does not change the pain that i feel inside.

Stay strong and think about your family if u want to keep trying then u do that and if it helps dont tell anyone what your doing and that way it stops the comments being made, thats what i have learnt.

Good luck hunny, prays for u and family.

Shye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sarylou (Aug 6, 2006)

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in your thoughts about wanting further children. 
I have thought of nothing more for several years now, the thought of my son being an only child scares and saddens me, I feel i have failed him, i feel i have failed my partner as i can not give him a child-son is from previous relationship. At the age of 25 i feel old enough maternally to be thrown on scrap heap and be done with it. 

I hate the bitterness i have towards people having children with such ease, big familes in town, laides in tesco with bumps-i swear 5 of them were following me around on weds just to torment me and i nearly cried-poor partner was trying to distract me. It has turned me into an emotional monster and i hate who i have become. 
Im hoping now we have stopped ttc this pain/jealousy will leave but i doubt it ever will. I just want to cradle our child.  

You are not alone hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

hi Sugary
you are not alone sweetheart in wanting another child 
I have a gorgeous 14 yr old son from my previous relationship and I would love to have a child with my husband, who has a dd going on 18 yrs. 
We've been ttc for 10 yrs now, and did decide to give up, due to a combination of lack of funds to pay for tx and just having been so worn down with the whole IF journey, but...we've jumped back on the rollercoaster recently as I HAD to listen to the little voice within and keep going. We're 2ndry Unex, which isn't the most helpful of dx...but...on we trudge...
I (still) get mad when well meaning but totally ignorant people KEEP telling me to "forget about it...it will happen" or "you are trying too hard!" ...and the list goes on...a list which each and every one of us 2ndry girls could add to...and it end up like war and peace  

I relate to sarylou as well...and I'm deffo on the scrap heap matey as I'm 37 
I had my son at a month off 23 yrs and although things were pretty cr*p with my ex, my life as a "mummy" was one of the most powerful, emotional, and happiest times of my life...and at only 37 yrs old..with a son going on 15 yrs and getting increasingly independent, I feel redundant and empty already!  
I don't want to be a mum to one child...I have SO much love to give another child/children...and it is consuming isn't it  
I don't think I will ever come to terms with having the one child, my arms are empty and my heart is heavy   but...my memories of the precious times I've had, and still have...well...the sense of loss is sort of replaced by the overwhelming pride and love I have for my son, and it gets stronger. Seeing him grow into this handsome, witty, caring, lovely, lovely young man...I thank my lucky stars that I have been blessed to experience being a mum, albeit just the once.

We're all here for you hunni, and are not far away when you want a chat.
There is a 2ndry IF chat night on Thursday evenings, in the "garden", do come along and feel free to chat about your children, have a moan, a whinge...we're all in the same boat.
 
Lotsa of love
Gayn
XX
p.s.
If any of you can't make Thursdays, and need/want a chat, and are concerned about discussing your situation in the main chat room, you can always use private chat, or choose another room if it is free   I, like emilycaitlin am always happy to chat privately to anyone who needs support, please just ask


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Yes, just pm any of us for a chat.

Don't you just love that"trying too hard" phrase?!!!!


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Stay Strong xxxxxxxxxx

shye xxxxxxxxxxx


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## KittyJ (Jun 26, 2006)

So glad others find that "trying too hard" the most annoying thing! Aaarrrggh!!  I work in a school and at the moment loads of mums seem to be a) pregnant, b) new mums c) asking me when I'm having a second..... Don't want to blab my whole personal fertility issues to all and bleedin' sundry so never know how to answer them! Also, feel it's really hard when a new baby is brought in for everyone to see - can't bring myself to ooh and ahh over little ones so end up looking rude.

Mrs Chaos, your post really got to me - what you said was so right and so heartfelt. Being a mum is indeed the best thing and we have so much love to give another, if only we had the chance! I feel redundant already and my dd is only 3! I also feel I'm letting her down by not bringing a brother or sister into the world for her to play with and share things with. God willing it will happen one day. Seeing docs for first hospital appointment on Friday..... here goes.

KittyJ
x


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## royall (Oct 18, 2004)

just wanted to add my voice to the others, its amazing how we all have the same feelings & experiences & yet feel so alone sometimes. My daughter has gone to her friends for a sleepover tonight- to a family of 3, soon to be 4,kids with a baby whose nappy dd loves changing! Makes me feel totally inadequate not having been able to provide a sibling for her. Anyway...... the "trying too hard" resonates with me, as does all the fertile families wandering the supermarket isles 
you are not alone!!


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi sugary
ive just been reading bak on the post the other ladies have replied to ur post 
i strongly agree YOU ARE NOT ALONE do u know the you are not alone by michael jackson
i lost my v.close cousin 11yrs ago and that was the song that always reminded me ov him
but each time i sink into  alow moment i hear that song in my head and even when i have been to appointments i can hear it as if he his there with me holding my hand but the words do mean so much and most ov us ladies can hear the words ov the song and feel the strenght of support we receive from this site so nxt time u hear the song just remember we are all here to support each other you are never alone on here 
i realise this only recently how much support was on hear 
i used to b on the site every day as i was in the same position as you i almost lost everyone and everything coz i was so bitter i was cracking up i spent so many time tyoing and watching the tears drop on the key board but i have gained strengh and menally and physically i now can face thing with a more posative attitude its never going to be easy but i am more focused now and have to deal with the negatives aswell as the posative which arnt many 
i have a DD ov 9yrs from an ex ,i had a ectopic then 3 m/c have FVL blood clotting we lost the last baby july 04 and there has been nothing but single blue lines since every time i buy a test the wemon in the chemist just smile at me they must realise how many i have bought

i set a coulpe ov post on relationships feel free to look bak on my post and u will c how low i was the replies i got and the strengh i gained following the support 

please keep intouch my heart aches for u 
if u havnt got that song i told u about download it and listen to the words 
none ov us will ever be alone as long as we have got this site we all can realise that peolpe who have or are in the same shoes has u r now are here to offer help and support 

take care catch these bubbles 
            
love steph


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