# What next ?



## sammer (Sep 1, 2005)

Have just had a 3rd negative cycle , had 1 ivf 12 eggs 4 fertilized , 2 embies but in day 2 , 1 icsi on nhs 10 eggs 8 fertilized good embies put back in day 3,  1x 10 cell ! 1x 8 cell, tubes removed christmas 2008 , just had another icsi cycle only 6 eggs retrieved only 3 fertilized all 3 put back in on day 2,  2 grade 2 and 1 grade 3  bfn on july 23rd ! . Don't know what to do next , the devastation is unbelievable am 40 now and hubby and I said we would only do 3 cycles as I don't think you can put your life on hold forever. I didn't realise it would be so hard to get life back on track , hubby seems so miserable and there is a big silent gap between us , will it ever get better I cry constantly and hubby puts on a brave face , the future is so uncertain and feel that if I love my husband I should let him go and have a new life and family with someone else ! he doesn't want to adopt and only wants a baby if its ours as I have considered donor eggs as his sperm is good. Any advice or hope would be great haven't had the guts to phone the clinic to say cycle was negative , it makes me so angry that you are just left with all these emotions and what do you do with the next 20 years. I used to enjoy life but everything seems so mundane am trying to lose myself in diy ! as I am a teacher on summer hols. Hubby doesn't even want to go on holiday , we are going camping with a group of friends tho . Do people split up after ivf because the pain is too hard to bear or does it get better if anyone can offer positive advice Iwould be grateful x


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## Mousky (May 21, 2009)

Hi Sammer,

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through! It's very sad!   

I'm not sure there's a right answer for your questions but a lot of people go through all this  . I know it doesn't help! We have our dreams, our projects together with our partners and when things don't go that way, it can be very frustrating. 
It's true some couples do fall apart after IF but was that really the only problem? I think in many cases, it also brings them together.
You shouldn't have to give your husband away! 

I can imagine with everything being so recent, you both must be feeling really bad. But things do change!
Maybe all you need is time with each other again, to find yourselves and decide "what's next".

Really hope it will feel better for both of you soon!



Mousky


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## jayne1 (Jul 6, 2005)

Hi Sammer

I'm so sorry for what you're going through at the moment, I never realised how difficult life was until I started with all this ttc....We've been ttc for 6 yrs now, had 1 natural pg (mmc @ 11+ wks)....3 IUI's followed all ended in BFN.  Moved to Spain, partly to see if a change of lifestyle may help, relax, etc..& began the long journey of IVF.  Amazed when it worked 1st time, but again had another mmc @ 10+ wks.  Tried another 2 times & both BFN's...It was then that the Dr said he believed our problem was due to my eggs because at each IVF attepmt, although we managed to get a good amount of eggs & at least 80% had fertilised the next day,by the time ET arrived we always only had 2 & they weren't always that good.  We tried another IVF with different medication to try & get less eggs but with better quality, however, none made it.  So, we've unfortunately just got a BFN with our 1st DEIVF, but have 2 frozen embies, so will try again soon.

My DH also doesn't want to adopt, (even though I'm adopted) but I respect his wishes.  However, was happy to try DE as we're still using his sperm & I will be carrying the baby, it will be mine, (although if I'm honest it took me a little while to get used to).  Would your DH think about DE, or is he adament he doesn't want to try these options?

I have said regularly to my DH to go & find someone else, as he could start a family with them, but he says he wants me & only me & if we never manage to have children then it doesn't matter as we'll have each other.  I find that more difficult to cope with as I always imagined my life with children.  Sorry, think I'm starting to waffle now & maybe not being very helpful, but just want you to know you're not alone, as I find that one of the most difficult things to deal with.  I'm well aware I'm not the only person going through this, but it can feel that way, especially when everyone around you is falling pg!

I truly believe that as cliched as it sounds, communication is the key to coping together, knowing how the other is really feeling means alot, but I know it's not always that easy.

I'm sorry to have gone on a bit.  I really hope everything works out for you.  Take care
Love Jayne x


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## sammer (Sep 1, 2005)

Thankyou so much everyone for your kind words , it has given me hope ! I went to a wedding yesterday and the vows reminded me of why we get married and why we choose to marry that special person as they should and hopefully always will be our best friend ! Yes I have considered DE's but will give it time to discuss with hubby. Lets hope that some good comes out of all this pain and we can all move on to enjoy fulfilling and happy lives once more. xx


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## winniemcgoo (Aug 21, 2008)

Hi Sammer,

So sorry you are feeling   .  Like alot of FF's on here I really understand and feel for you coz I know the pain you feel so I know its no help but you are not alone.I too am just 40 and not been sucessful and have been advised in June DE is our only option. Like you and you DH we are so exhausted with treatment and the rollercoaster of emotions that we decided to have a break enjoy & eachother before embarking on the next step.    
My hubby is more concerned and upset for me coz we need DE not DS...do you think your hubby may feel same? 
At the end of the day only you and hubby can decide if you have the strength to take next step and im sure together you can. 
  
x


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