# first post, 6 years infertility



## ladyjools (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi.

I'm so glad i found this place, from reading up on old posts I already have so much more knowladge from you guys so thanks.

I have been trying to concieve for 6 years, my family situation is unsual.  I tried to concieve with my first partner for 4 and half years.  We live in Scotland and where trying to get treatment at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, they did all the tests to see what was wrong and everything always came back fine, 
i got an HSG done and then 3 months later i fell pregnant,

At 13 weeks i started to get some bleeding, i went to the hospital every few days for the next 3 weeks, sometimes in agony, i was trying to explain to them that my waters had broken and they said that was very unlikley and they refused to scan me all they would do is check the babies heart beat and send me home.  I finally got advice from a friend who said not to go to the Simpsons and instead travel to St Johns.  Within half an hour of being treated at the new hospital they gave me a proper scan and found that my waters had broken and that i was in early labour.  I lost my baby at 16 weeks.  The post mortom showed that there was nothing wrong with my son, he was perfectly healthy and that an infection had caused my waters to break resulting in my early labour.  If the other hospital had taken the right swabs they would have maybe been able to stop the infection with anti-biotics.  Because my waters where left broken for 2 and half weeks i had massive infection, Ecoli and was very very unwell.

I am in an unusual family situation, we are polyamorous, i live with 2 very supportive partners who where fantastic support to me during this time.  After losing the baby we sat down and re-evaluated our situation.  It was decided i would try for a baby with my other partner who is older.  This was mainly because our relationship structure had changed gradually over the years and we felt it was the best thing to do for our family.  I am now setelling down with my other partner and still have the support and love of my first though the relationship isn't sexual anymore.  (its really complicated to explain quickly)

i started trying in Aug with my other partner and i presumed i would have lost my place on IVF waiting list after achieving a natural preg, and wasn't sure how it would stand with our family situation and so we got a call about a month ago to tell us that me and my first partners names where at the top of the list, 

we told them about our situation, where very upfront and honest and they said that we should come in and see the doctor to discuss if we could still go ahead with the treatment with my new partner.  The nurse on the phone was really positive, stressed to me to get my BMI under a certian weight and they sent us all the information like they where going to go ahead with the treatment, 

few days ago we all arrived to talk to the doctor and he was really blunt and insensitive with us, refusing to speak to the 3 of us at once even though we deal with all issues as a family and even though we had been told on phone for all 3 of us to turn up to this appointment.

He is putting me to the bottom of the list, he keeps stressing about a stable family, our family is stable we have all lived together for years, we all support each other and yes its unusual but there are polyamorous familys who can bring up children in a healthy loving enviroment.  

I broke down in his office, i think i would have been ok had they told me on the phone that i had to go back to the bottom of the list but the raised my hopes and now i feel like they have destroyed them.  The doctor seemed irritated that i was crying so much, 

they are talking about my BMI i feel like they keep moving the goal posts, first i had to be under 33 then i got to under 33 and they said 32 now im 32 they say it has to be 30.  they keep repeating the same tests with my ovulation even though it comes back that i do ovulate just not every month, they are saying they might put me on clomid when i am waiting again, but they have said this before then i have turned up to the next appointment and they have said im to fat or that it won't help because i sometimes to ovulate.

we have just contacted a private clinic about IUI when we are waiting, we thought about self funding IVF but have been told if i do that then i lose all my NHS funding we are trying to find out if we pay for IUI if we will lose our place on the NHS 

I am also trying to push for another HSG because i am worried that all the infection during and after my last pregnancy has caused me some serious damage, they are so far refusing to do this test again,

i feel really low, frustrated and down right desperate, i think i hit my lowest when i basically begged to doctor to please help us, he just said be grateful that we aren't being denied treatment completly because of our family situation, 

sorry if this is too long

Jools


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Jools




I am so sorry to hear that your having such a rough time.  Did they put you to the bottom of the list because you had changed partners?  I think the consultant needs to be rather careful trotting of lines like "a stable family", not everyone's idea of a "stable family" is one man and one woman! Fertility clinics make a lot of money out of people who have different life styles, such as people who are gay and lesbian.  I can understand them being a little concerned by it, purely  because its probably not something that they come across very regularly.  They would do better by trying to understand it and ask questions rather than condemn you.  I think they have a legal and a moral obligation to ensure any possible child born will be looked after appropriately.  But all your normally given is a form to fill out, that does not really determine anything!


If you think they can or will try and stop you having treatment because of your family set up then i would seek further advise.  I think its difficult for them to refuse treatment on the grounds of your family set up due to human rights, if you have concerns i would ask NatGamble, they are posted on here under "ask a lawyer" they offer free advise.


The infertility thing is a tough struggle, and one that i would not wish on my worse enimy, you will recieve a lot of support on here though.xxxxxx


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## ladyjools (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanku for replying

he said that its not his choice, and that im not being denied treatment only that i have gone to the bottom of the list, 
i think that iv gone to the bottom of the list because i have changed partners, 
honestly im not 100 percent sure,
and i worry that when our names come up again, he will make it difficult becasue of the family situation, i sort of wished that i had just lied now and not told them that we all live together, but i don't like being dishonest, and i know that any child we have will be well looked after and loved a great deal i presumed that is what matters most

Jools


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think you really need to find out the facts, why are you at the bottom of the list. xx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Jools and welcome to Fertility Friends 

I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your little boy, such a sad situation   There's an area within FF where you can talk to others who have also experienced the loss of their little angels ... 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0

Please have a good look around the site and feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ *CLICK HERE

*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*A Rough Guide To IVF ~*CLICK HERE

*IUI Beginners Guide ~ *CLIcK HERE 

While undergoing treatment, you might find it useful to join other ladies having treatment at the same time. The Cycle Buddies threads are just for that. You will find a thread, usually with a funny/inspiring name for this year's buddies. Just pop along to the appropriate month and say "Hi" when you are ready to start treatment.

*Cycle buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also ask for access to our weight loss support area if you would like:

*Belly Buddies: Weight loss support ~ *CLICK HERE
You can fill out this simple form to ask the Admin team for access to Belly Buddies x http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/component/option,com_contact/task,view/contact_id,1/Itemid,159/

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

PS I have also sent you a pm (private message)


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## ladyjools (Jul 20, 2010)

Thankyou so much for your reply, im going to have a look at the areas you suggested, 
i really wish i had found this place years ago, I have felt really alone for a long time with lots of questions and the clinic never seem to have enough time to answer them all fully, 

I have an appointment for councelling today, and i am going to check wether we where put to the bottom of the list becasue of our family set up, or if its just because i have changed partners, no matter what i do not regret the desision we all made to change partners because we had to do what is right for our family and I wouldn't just go ahead with treatment with one partner just because it would be harder with the other, 

I'm going to have a bit of a look around, this forum seems huge, so I am sure that will take me a fair bit of time,

Jools


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