# Telling work - did you tell them everything?



## MrsRL (Dec 11, 2013)

Hi all,

I am just looking to find out what others have experienced with telling work and whether you actually told them about all your appointments and what you are/were going through or just booked annual leave. I work for a large company and I like to keep my work and personal life separate in general. While my immediate line manager might be supportive, I know that by telling her that she would be likely to tell other managers within the team as well. Things tend to spread around my work so quickly and I wouldn't feel happy saying with this in mind. I also wonder how supportive they would be as they are very much about the business comes first and employees often feel just like a number! Obviously going through IVF is not in the best interests of the company. 

What are your experiences? Have you been honest or tried to keep it to yourself?


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi MrsRL, I think that this is a hugely personal decision.  I know that many women have and haven't told their work and it's worked out for the best or made it really difficult!  It's a hard decision.

I decided not to tell my work.  I am in a large organisation with an incredible staff welfare reputation, they would have been amazing and at the time I had the sweetest team leader who would have been so supportive.  Our work policy is that IVF is a lifestyle choice until the transfer  .  That saying, they would have given me all the time I needed.

I didn't feel that I wanted to reveal something so personal though and to have to tell people the outcome if it didn't work (or have them guess).    I managed it all through flexible working and sick leave the first time (and I was poorly that time) and through annual leave the second time.

I did experience a little of what it would have been like for work to know though.  I had an early miscarriage after our first cycle and took compassionate leave.  Work were just lovely, it was very private except for the 'and I've just told this manager in case they worry about you, and this manager just in case, and this one because they've had a miscarriage too and know what it's like so can support you'.  It was so sweet but I did feel a bit overwhelmed and embarrassed by it.

Bless my work, it is wonderful.  I had to go for coffee with the manager who'd also had a miscarriage and they arranged a lunchtime talk about it too   

It would have been so much easier sometimes with date changes etc to have been honest, I sometimes think that I should have but I'm secretly glad that I didn't, there's only so much support a girl can take! xxx


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree that it's a very personal decision and depends on where you work, who you work with and how disruptive your treatment will be for others - and also, how much you care about that disruption, if that makes sense.

I work for a reasonably-sized retailer and manage one of their stores. There's no IVF policy, so it was a case of trying to make the best arrangements I could. I decided to be honest throughout the whole process, both with my area manager and my team, due to the nature of my job. If I had to go to an appointment at short notice, one of my staff would need to change their plans last minute and staff the store in place of me - I didn't think it was fair to ask that of people without telling them why it was a) important and b) unavoidable. When I needed egg collection 2 days earlier than predicted, it was a case of 'can you work all day tomorrow, I know it's your day off' and I was very grateful to my team for being so flexible.

If you work somewhere where your appointment schedule won't have a huge impact on your colleagues, it's different. I wouldn't have been as upfront if I worked in an office, for example.


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

As the others have said it really is a personal decision based on your own situation and workplace.
For me, I did tell - and am very pleased that I did.

I work in a small team within a very large organisation. I am jointly managed by 2 managers and told just one of them to start with and then the other. Interestingly myself and a colleague (at same level as me) were encouraged to have an 'honest conversation with each other' regarding our personal priorities and planned progression at work, and it turned out that as I was starting clomid treatment she was commencing on IVF. 
My reasons for telling in the first place was basically that I am a really bad liar!! And I was needing time off at relatively short notice for investigations and appointments, these were typically falling on days that I would not have usually have been able to book off due to the annual leave policy restrictions and covering other colleagues already booked leave, by telling there was more leniency given on when I could take time.
I think I did a reasonable job of not letting the stress and feelings of failure after numerous BFN's affect work, but it would have been easier to have explained this had it happened if management were already in the loop.
Having been fortunate enough to get my bfp, people have been more understanding of why I have probably been more careful (paranoid!) through this pregnancy than I would have been if we had conceived more easily/earlier on.
I have been lucky that the select few at work that I told about our struggles have been discrete about it and so no-one in the wider team knows. Likewise I told 3 people at work why I was off sick for a few days following a scare at 6 wks pg but no-one else knew until I shared the news at 14 weeks.

Whether or not you choose to tell, wishing you lots of luck x


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

I work for a large corporation in London. I told then everything. It would be an extra thing to worry and juggle if not. But I'm fortunate that they are extremely supportive. 
I even get 6 days a year for fertility leave on top of holiday. So I'm lucky. 
I hope you come to the right conclusion for you. As others have said it really is a very personal choice 
Good luck
X


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

I work in a big organisation where there is a policy that entitles you to have time off for fertility treatment, luckily my manager has also interpreted it as applying to alternative treatment, like acupuncture, so I have been given time off for that too, which is really lucky.  Maybe check if there is a policy in place as that may help you t to decide and then you can save your holidays for other more relaxing time.  Also if you do tell anyone it should be treated confidentially and not spread around to anyone and everyone!  Hope you find what's right for you  .


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## Noodle001 (Dec 13, 2012)

It's a really difficult decision to make and in my experience the people you think may not understand at all can turn out to be the most supportive. I hadn't told work at all, and with everything going on I felt I was loosing the plot a bit so asked for some unpaid leave off for 'personal reasons'. It's been great to have space and get my head together. On going back to work I've told my Director (who can be quite intimidating) and she was so kind and supportive - she's given me flexibility over which job I go back to ( something less pressured ) and said I must say when I need time off and we can work things through, I'm so pleased I spoke to her about it, it's one less thing to worry about - but as others have said is very personal & very much depends on who you are dealing with I realise she could have had a very different reaction.


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