# A newbie, struggling with the daily pregnant announcements of family and friends



## Jo1977 (Mar 30, 2012)

Hi,
A little bit about me. Me and my DH have been Ttc for 2 years now since we got married. Had some tests done after a year, I have mild pcos and my DH has a low count, particularly low morphology. We didn't qualify for nhs funding  so we going private, borrowing money left right and centre! We've had our first appointment at the clinic and I have been put on the pill for three months to regulate cycle. We're going back on 16 may to start treatment (ivf with ICSI). Really excited but also very nervous! Praying it works first time! 

Feel as though I'm surrounded by pregnant people. My cousin announced she is three months pregnant last week and then i got the news that my brother and his girlfriend are 7 weeks pregnant. Well, I completely went to pieces, think it was the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. They are getting married this summer and I just assumed they would wait until then before trying. Feel terrible about being so upset about such happy news but I can't help feeling like they've stolen my turn which I know sounds silly. 

This fertility journey can be such a struggle at times, I try my hardest to stay positive and am all for positive thinking but sometimes it's really hard.

I'm 34 and DH is 36.


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## Nicola22 (Mar 30, 2012)

Hi,
I know exactly how you feel.  My husband and i have been ttc for years now,  eventually persuaded him to come to the gp with me in January 2010 to start investigations to why it wasn’t happening.  In 6/8 weeks later he was given the most devastating news ever from his GP that he was infertile and would never have a family!    This was totally untrue,  after various tests it turned out he carried a cystic fibrosis marker which meant he had sperm it just wasn’t getting out.  After 2 very long painful years of hospital appointments etc we are about to start ICSI next month  

I am currently surrounded by new mums and pregnant girls at work and I feel so bad for wishing it was me and not them,  I’m sure its totally natural but some days I find it so hard I struggle to drag myself into work.  I over heard one girl last week announcing to somebody sitting behind me that she was 14 weeks pregnant and said her husband was happier about the pregnancy than she was.  I felt like turning round and telling her how lucky she was but obviously had to bite my tongue    

Some days are much harder than others but I just keep trying to focus on next month and hopefully it will work first time.  I just feel good that something is actually happening and even though I’m not pregnant yet it’s the closest we’ve actually ever been to having our family

Nicolaxxx


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## nessieb (Mar 29, 2012)

Hi jo1977

I know how u feel, i feel like the whole world is pregnant at the moment and they forgot about me, to top it of 3 girls at my work place have all fallen pregnant at the same time, i feel like it's a kick in the teeth as they all know what I'm going through. 

WE WILL GET THERE!!!!

Much love and happy baby making.

xx


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## Jo1977 (Mar 30, 2012)

Wow, thank you so much for your replies! You've made me feel better already! We will get there won't we. And when we do ours will be the most precious and wanted babies ever!

I'm also surrounded by pregnant girls at work, they seem to be everywhere!

Think it's very difficult for people to understand exactly how difficult this journey can be sometimes. I'm so glad I signed up to this website now. 

xx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Welcome to FF, Jo1977!!! Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

I think most people here have had the feeling we are surrounded by pregnant people and had to cope with family and friends getting pregnant, and the ones that weren´t trying are the hardest to deal with. I ran out of Ikea in tears once because it seemed like every woman in there was pregnant. I have lost a couple of friends because they didn´t understand why I couldn´t be around them as much while they were pregnant. There is a section on FF called "Coping With Infertility" ~ CLICK HERE The people who post there will know exactly what you are going through and will offer some comforting words and a cyberhug.

Here are a couple of other links relating to treatment that I think might help you.

ICSI chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Cycle Buddies (undergoing treatment at the same time) - CLICK HERE

Regional boards - CLICK HERE

PCOS ~ CLICK HERE

Male factors ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Our live chat room has a new member chat at 8pm on Wednesday. Here is our Chat Zone section which will give you info on other chats: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck with your treatment!       

Sue


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## mammado (Jan 10, 2012)

so know how you all Feel nothing worse than hearing through a Mutual friend about x y z being pregnant  its like a Kick in the teeth then you Feel guilty for feeling that way .


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## blondie k (Feb 4, 2010)

Hey jo1977,
Your definitely not alone, I found since starting treatment, everywhere you go and everyone you know seems to be pregnant. We haven't told many people so when they spring the news there expecting I fine it really hard to be happy and really have to force out and smile and excited face when all i want to do is run off and cry. I even find myself worrying about friends and family who aren't pregnant if there trying to get pregnant!!!!.......think our minds are just taken over by baby thoughts.
But it does get easier to cope with, and it will definitely be us one day!!!
Good luck with your treatment and heres some baby dust to get you going
  
lots of luck xxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi,
I just wanted to say that you are not alone.     
I have lost count of the amount of times that I have sobbed for hours or days about other people's pregnancies. I once cried for 36 hours after my best friend told me she was 8 weeks pregnant a few weeks after we were told our only option was IVF with donor sperm and my DH point blank refused to discuss it.

I also wanted to give you hope. After 11 years TTC, a near divorce, a second trimester pregnancy loss and 3 cycles of treatment, a few days after turning 40 last year I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. It has made all the waiting and heartache worth it and I almost have to pinch myself every moment of everyday to believe that this is real. I feel so lucky now after years at the depths of despair.

No one can describe how it feels to be infertile unless you have felt it. It feels like an invisible unending grief that no one else understands - it makes you very isolated.

One book I recommend is ''Conquering Infertility'' by Alice Domar - it focuses more on the psychological aspects of IF and how to cope. 

Your time will come and you will appreciate motherhood much more than people who get pregnant easily.


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## lesley583 (Mar 23, 2012)

your not alone hun my sister in law is 6 months pregnant and i feel so guilty cos i should be happy for her but indtead i find myself trying to avoid her !!! we'll get there xx


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## natty84 (Nov 26, 2011)

hi hun, completely understand how you feel. Myself and DH had been trying for a couple of years and found out december 2010 he was infertile. We had an inkling before we got married but we never really wanted to face the reality of it. I found out the day one of my best friends went into labour and I was her birthing partner! That was one of the hardest and most emotional days of my life. I had to bow out gracefully after a while as couldnt help but think "why isnt this me" etc. Since then I have watched 3 of my friends have babies, seen my brother in law have a little girl and have now been told my sister in law is 4 months gone. Its alot to deal with and I have to admit I have been avoiding people. The family just think we are being rude and not wanting to join in the celebrations but its so difficult especially for my poor DH. He has had to watch both his siblings have children knowing he can never be a biological father. What annoys me most is the insensitivity of his family, he gets a text to say he is going to be an uncle. Wont even speak to him face to face knowing what he is going through. When all my friends got together and threw a baby shower they insisted I went and I was a complete wreck halfway into it and had to go home. I feel awful for the emotions that bubble up under the surface and am constantly wracked with guilt for not feeling happy for them all. Its so hard when they dont understand why you feel the way you do. This forum has helped me alot and its nice to talk to people on here that understand and you dont have to feel alone. We are all on this journey together and are always here for one another. Ive learnt its perfectly normal to experience the feelings I do when told again someone else is pregnant. I am 27 and DH is 25. I am booked in for a scan to check my follicle size next tuesday and then hopefully if all good iui once i get my surge/ smiley face. Im hoping that the first attempt is sucessful. However I know I have great support from this site no matter what the outcome so when you feel upset or down just jump on here and have a chat to someone who truely knows what your going through. It makes it a little easier   xxx


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## little_missAmy (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi Jo,
So nice to read yours and other people's stories. We are at the beginning of our investigations and my sister is due her 3rd child in August. We haven't told anyone of what we are going thru so its hard on days like today when I get random texts from my mum reporting on sisters pregnancy, her scans etc etc. I know i could make it stop if i explained what we were going through but I also know they wouldn't understand or provide me the support I need.
Tough day.

Just know that we have all been there. weve all felt a way that we shouldnt and felt guilt, shame, jealousy etc. You are not alone. One day it will hopefully happen for each of us.

X


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi Little Miss Amy - we originally saw Miss Hanna at QMS, but then had to move to private treatment due to DH's DS.


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## danielle k (Apr 5, 2012)

I really understand exactly how u feel because im the same. My best friend fell pregnant last year and i found it really hard to be happy for her. Even more so because she ended up having an abortion and i was the 1 that went with her to the hospital. It was absolute torture. I cried and cried and cried when i got home. I also feel that everyone but me is pregnant and i find myself feeling bitter towards them wich i hate myself for. Im about to start ivf with icsi treatment and im terrified it wont work. I try to think positive but its extremley hard. Its my first cycle and im praying to god it works. Your not alone in how u feel. I really hope everything works out for you. XX


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## little_missAmy (Feb 22, 2012)

Danielle,
You should be so utterly proud of yourself for being such a strong and supportive best friend. I bet, hand on heart, not even half of us on here could have done what you did. I certainly couldn't. I'd be persuading her to have it and give it to me!  
Well done x

Mistletoe, thanks. Will keep you posted


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## lupee (Apr 6, 2012)

Hi,

God - I totally understand how you feel! We've been trying for 9 years, and had failed IVF and ICSI etc. It just seems so unfair, especially when other bad things happen to you. I used to think that every thing happens for a reason, but now I am sure that life is just a series of events, some you can control and others that you can't, and the simple fact is that bad things can happen to good people, and good things happend to bad people. Life is very unfair.

I have got to the point when one of my closest freinds is starting to try for a baby after being told she may go through early menopause in 5 -7 years time, and I was actually pleased to hear she may have problems. How sick is that - wishing some one infertile?! She was one of those ' just relax and it will happen' people, and is still saying that 'if it happens it happens' and a part of me is hoping she gets to eat her words. I feel like such a horrid person for saying that - and I've not admited it to anyone else - but it's what goes through my mind. Me - bitter? hell yes!

I think infertility is so hard to deal with because you see everyone else have, and take for granted, the very thing that you long for but can't have the most. I was critically ill for 3 years, was in intensive care for a year in angony and have been left with perminant damage -and whilst that was hell to go though I struggle so much more emotionally with infertiliy.

Having a time limit makes it so much harded too! 

Not to mention the  cost!!! The last time someone whinged at how expensive kids are I just snapped! I asked them how much they spent in a year on kid and then ran through the £60k debt I'm in with nothing to show for it. Probably not my best move as he was a collogue in a new job I'd started and I don't want anyone to know that having treament... oh well.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

It makes me so angry on the comments section of the Daily Mail articles when people say that if you can't afford IVF you can't afford a child - there would be a heck of a lot less unwanted children born to young, irresponsible and benefit claiming people if everyone had to pay a fee to get pregnant in the first place like us!
To get as far as having Charley it ''only'' cost me £14k. How many people do you know that have several children have to spend that money on getting pregnant?

Most people have that money in savings for the child's uni fees or do the kitchen up, drive around in a flash car or go on holiday two or three times a year.
We have to put our lives on hold, pressing the pause button, to have our dream of someone to love, bring up and leave all the hard work of us, our parents and all previous generations, to.

I'm thinking of doing treatment again   
I am having to consider limiting it to one FET and if that does not work, one IVF as I just don't know how we would afford more attempts whilst looking after C, paying for childcare and living costs. That will be another £7K or there abouts. So a total of £21K. Could I do more - I don't know, ask me when it all fails!

We don't get any free IVF on the NHS or any benefits of any kind. They even reduce our child benefit and childcare vouchers etc, whereas other people I see at the children's centre - one is pregnant with baby No5 and I don't think she is 30 yet. And another one who announced the other day that she had an abortion a few years ago because she was too young and now is not going to go back to work after having her little one as it costs more to go to work.

I get so cross. I am so upset at having to leave my little gem to go back to work to support our family, but there is no way I would live off the state - I would not actually know how to anyway!


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## Claire1978 (Mar 26, 2012)

Hi there, looks like this thread has struck a cord with many of us & is so nice to hear that it is a normal reaction although very difficult part of the journey. We have been trying for nearly 3 years & I hit my lowest point last year. It got that bad that I was afraid to go out in fear that I would bump into pregnant women & new parents. Even turning on the TV was horrendous with all the baby adverts. I thought I was going insane! It didn't help when a friend got pregnant who had been trying for there second child for a year cut me off too even though I tried to make more than every effort to make her feel OK about it. I felt like I was in a baby boom that I just couldn't escape. I don't know what happened but it did change. Now facing the prospect of us never having a baby as I'm going through early menopause I can now say that I do feel a lot better about any baby news and no longer have to live in fear of any announcements. Of course it will never go away completely but now I feel I can be happy for people again when they say they are pregnant. It does get better, it just takes that annoying thing 'time'.


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## k8rocks (Apr 10, 2012)

Hey - I think you've touched on something that we can all relate to. I celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary this December. I was one of the first in all my friendship circles to wed and am now pretty much the only one without children. It's so hard. Every new announcement brings a fresh stab of pain. The most difficult to swallow was my sister in law. She is younger than my husband and married 2 years after us. It felt as though she was stealing my thunder. I have found it really hard to bond with her son, Jack. My husband and I have avoided Jack as much as possible which we both feel truly terrible about. We are a close family but I just couldn't cope with it at all. Watching them play happy families and being unable to give advice etc imagining how different it would be if me and my husband had been able to conceive. I am getting better ... I used to beat myself up over it, but I don't now. I think it's totally understandable and something fertile couples will never be able to properly understand. That's the first time I've admitted this to anyone but my husband and sisters - feels good!! xxxx


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## little_missAmy (Feb 22, 2012)

KBrocks,
I think you are right, we nearly all feel the same and fertile couples wont really understand at all. The hardest thing for me is my sister. She is now pregnant with her third. My parents and her family went to visit all my family in Northern England this Easter and I felt completely like the black sheep stuck down south but I couldnt  bare to be with them all. I find myself not seeing my niece and nephew as much as I should. I just keep telling myself that they are still young enough for it not to matter too much at the moment.
I feel quite inadequate in my parents eyes. Although I am the youngest, I think they always thought I would be the first to have kids and they still keep dropping hints and expecting to hear my news soon. I havent told them about our problems as we dont want family to know so I'm sure I'm probably causing the pressures myself!
It feels good to come on here and read that what I feel is quite common and probably normal, no matter how mean my thoughts can be!


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I remember being at a family gathering with DH, parents in law, my dad and aunts, uncles, brother and sister in law and I realised that I was the ONLY one not to be a parent apart from a 3 year old nephew. It made me really sad and feeling like the outsider - that no one even realised that I was hurting so bad and even if I told them they could never ''get'' it. 
My brother in law had had problems in the past, so maybe he would have understood, but I had a silent grief. No one wants to hear about you being sad.

I also remember being dragged along to a farm adventure park with my in laws and nephew just after we were told there was no hope. Of course I should have been cheery for my nephew - after all it is not his fault that I am sad. I should have helped him enjoy himself, but all I could see at this place was happy families and all I could think was how can I escape and I want to cry. I felt my nose was being rubbed in what I would never have. A life full of never being able to go anywhere or have any fun.

After finally getting there with a donor, I will never experience the joy of having my husband's child and the different feeling that might bring to a relationship. I feel that I have been robbed of having that bond with the man I married. But I have to sweep that aside and I could not feel luckier to have my little man and all that finally being in the exclusive members club brings. 

I am now very conscious of how there might be quietly grieving and sad infertile people around me who are struggling with my pregnancy, maternity leave and motherhood. People on the train, at exercise class, in the street. 

But they don't know how I have struggled to get where I am now. And that has made me feel a bit better as now I realise that when I saw pregnant people or mothers in the past, I did not know how much they struggled to get where they were.

Many don't talk of IF, multiple miscarriage or TTC for years. If it is 1 in 6 couples - that is actually a lot of people. We are not alone. Infertility stays with you always, but in some ways it can make you a stronger, more compassionate and appreciative person.


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## little_missAmy (Feb 22, 2012)

Holly,
What you say is very true and thank you for reminding me of that.
A colleague of mine has just had a baby, after being married for a number of years. Some people at work (people who are yet to marry themselves) have commented on the bad timing of it (we have a HUGE project going on at work!). Others comment on how it's 'about time'. No one seems to even consider the prospect that they might have actually been trying for years and experienced problems. I raised this at a recent intimate dinner with some of the female colleagues and they looked completely dumb-struck at my suggestions. It honestly hadn't even crossed their mind!

I may now look at pregnant people and be very envious but, like you say, they may have had their own journey to get to where they are.

Thank you also for making me think about the donor aspect in a different light. We are at the start of our journey so considering all the options. It's good to hear about different sides of it.

x


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