# Well that's that. I'm out.



## herritage (Feb 15, 2012)

It's now two days since we found out that our second cycle didn't work and I really don't know what to do.  I know it's not as many goes as some of you but this infertility stuff is destroying us. We are both distraught and can no longer see a future. I'm jealous of everyone around me for daring to to do the most natural, easiest thing in the world; have children. My other half feels the same. We argue, get upset and argue some more. We may not bother with our frozen ones now because of the pitiful chances they bring. If we can't get a positive with a 50% chance at one of the best clinics in England then I don't fancy our chances at 16%. We are dreading our future as the last 4 and a half years (our entire marriage) has been hell. I promise I am not trying to sound like I'm any worse than anyone but just feel the need to get it off my chest, as I can't do it anywhere else. Thank you.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Big hugs I know I'm a female and am in the men's room but I couldn't read your post without commenting - I hope you don't mind.

You're in the right place.  Rant.  Vent. Cry.  Laugh. Do whatever you need and we'll be here. 

You feel what you feel - it is not a competition as to who can put themselves through the most.  IF (infertility) takes its toll on each of us in different ways. 

If I were in your position (and I have been), I would go with your lovely DW and book a weekend away somewhere.  Use the time to take a step back and just get away from it all.  It doesn't have to be expensive, just somewhere different where you're not reminded of all this.  Get drunk, eat too much, laugh, cry and rant at how unfair it all is - because it is unfair.  It's bloody unfair.  My second thought would be to go and see a counsellor to talk through everything together.  

Our whole marriage has been dominated by IF too.  We found out we had issues 3 months after we tied the knot and it's been ongoing ever since (we're about to celebrate our third wedding anniversary and we'd been trying for a year before that).  The one thing I've learnt to realise though, is that we didn't get married to have children.  We got married because we love each other.  It's sometimes hard to remember that and see through all the crap but it is there and it's very important to remind yourselves of what you do actually have together.  Maybe take some time to communicate with each other and tell each other what it is you love about each other, why you got together in the first place, remind yourselves of fun times you've had, fun times you can still have, look through old photos and reminisce etc.    It is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture, I know, I've been there - but you WILL come out the other side, maybe a bit bruised and battered but the important thing is to come out the other side together.

The most valuable piece of advice I would give you is to communicate.  Make sure that each of you always knows what the other is thinking - but be kind when you talk about it.  You both need to be on the same page so compromises will need to be reached, etc., but as long as you keep talking, everything can be resolved and you will see a future.

Most of all... be kind to yourself.  This crap is hard enough to deal with without beating yourself up too.


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## herritage (Feb 15, 2012)

Thank you very much for the reply it's really appreciated. As horrible as it is, it's always reassuring to know other people have similar experiences. We have a trip away planned for a weekend so that's something to look forward to. I'm not very good on these forums and expressing myself but just wanted to say thank you agsin for a lovely reply.


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## Luv one (Nov 7, 2010)

Thanks MandyPandy for your reply I found you hit the nail on the head. I actually showed my husband your response as what you said is so true. Honesty and communication about how one feels is the key. Sometimes we women can be a pain with our harmones all over the place but we still need to try to be kind to the person who loves us most and sometimes they  take the things we say personally. My husband fav pharse at the moment is 'I know its the medication talking' and that pisses me off even more, but sometimes I just have to step back and look at myself and realise that he is right. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have behaved like that.

Herritage I wanted to send you lots of luck and to say don't give up as one never know whats around the corner. Big hug   to you and wifey!


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## Ellise810 (Aug 21, 2012)

Just a real quicky to say don't give up on your frozen embryos. We had 2 failed fresh ICSI in a row  - then we had a frozen cycle (only 2 good embryos were frozen) which was cancelled due to poor response to drugs. We then tried again with a higher dosage, transferred our only 2 frozen embryos and we now have an 18 month old daughter. She is our miracle, born against the odds. In my opinion, I would ignore statistics and odds etc. Frozen cycles do work.


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## warey (May 28, 2012)

I understand how you feel. I think it was 6 to 8 cycles in Australia since my wife was 30, shes know 42. Eight years on the Overseas adoption list in Qld, Aus, because the goverment is so Anti-adoption here

I know its extremely hard for the girls, but they cycle emotionally and psychologically up and down through the whole period and there was times I felt hopeless and then ****** then angry; the punching bag and the running got a very good workout. I look at it from a mans point of view, the numbers, the options etc. I said the same thing you have said about 5 times to my wife. Thats it, not again. Then I let it go for a while and bang went about planning options in my head and then tried again. 

The way things are going these days with so many options available, donor, surro, adoption I think once you had a good psychological rest and you still feel like you want to try then consider all options any combination, because in the end, the numbers will add up to success.

Oh she, my wife feel preg naturally at 41(hows frustrating is that) and we are trying other options know for a second and third; I am very determined.


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## dhneil (Mar 28, 2005)

I know we found it quite rough, in spite of a success on our first treatment. I'm not sure how well we would have coped with failed treatments. 

Take some time out for yourselves, maybe do the counselling thing? 

I won't tell you to relax and forget about it for a while because I know how incredibly hard that's likely to be. I will just wish you all the best with your next attempt, if you decide to try again.

Neil


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## Seabob (Jun 15, 2012)

If you have a chance with frozen ones this is great news, I wish I had frozen ones which would give me another chance or chances... Get back on the wagon ! It's the hardest thing I the world but as long as you have hope and a chance then there is always a future.....


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## warey (May 28, 2012)

Hi Herritage, this is warey's wife now, i hope u dont mind...we had 6 months clomid, 3 AIH, 4 stimulated and 4 frozen IVF, then after everypne told us it wasnt meant to be, and we were kicked off the adoption list, we thought stuff it, we were going to keep trying. We had a laparoscopy (after 8 years of trying) and go figure,got preg naturally! We have had more treatment since having her, two miscarriages and another kick off adoption list and are having a DE cycle. I still get angry a all those people who take having a baby for granted and who donot value and appreciate the gift they have. Every second is a blessing, and every tear a chance to come away more resolved. Do not give up and do not take it out on each other. Present a united front and keep your options open. Goodluck xxx


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## litecubed (Sep 20, 2012)

Herritage,

First of all, my deep sympathy for what you're going through. I've felt in the same place myself and it nearly destroyed the relationship my wife and I had. We argued a lot, and in between we didn't talk much at all. And we absolutely felt like there was no way forward.

Thankfully that is no longer the case, and we turned a corner where although things are not easy we are absolutely together. If it's not too patronising, I'd suggest a couple of things:

1. See a counsellor recommended by your clinic. This helped us a lot - even one session. This can really help with communication. For us, it helped us appreciate that we had different perspectives - I was much more brutally pragmatic and my dw much less so.

2. Make sure you both absolutely understand that you're together no matter what. I think everyone feels inadequate when faced with this monster and feels their partner might be better off without them. (In our case this was true on both sides - it doesn't matter where the IF problem lies.) Remind each other that you didn't get together because you thought you'd look good pushing a pram. I find it's basically impossible to reaffirm this often enough.

3. Find ways of talking about the future constructively. This is very hard, and I would say the two items above in our case were prerequisites. Anyway a few things that we found helpful were:

- Talking about a change. It's always good to be building something. Moving country, taking a year out, changing careers etc.

- Talking brutally about what it means regarding friends. We literally sat and said to each other, 'We love our friends X and Y very much and we've known them for years, but it's too painful to be around them with their children now. So to be less close with them and to focus on other friends is a painful choice that we're making.'

- Making a plan for closure, moving on, etc. We got to a place where we figured, 'Look, this may just not work for us, but before we move on we want to have at least tried X and Y and Z.' These don't need to be 'more cycles' necessarily. For us, 'X' was nothing more than "talking to a different consultant to get a second opinion", and 'Y' was 'speaking to a clinic which has more expertise in our particular set of issues'. (This is the problem with the big picture clinic statistics - they don't necessarily show you how well the clinic performs with people like you.) We ended up with a list of things we were going to do and a rough timeframe. Everything was still hard, but the feeling that it wasn't endless and it wasn't just 'hit-and-hope and then be back to square one when the next round fails'. The plan helped a lot. Literally, I know I sound like a geek about this, but make one and write it down.

OK, I really hope something in this helps you.


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## mfmcmoo (Jul 16, 2010)

Hi All

I know everyone is battling with how to handle the emotional rollercoaster that the IVF journey takes us on. We were convinced that IVF would work for us, and when it didn't, we also had a major wobble. As I felt I was battling against the clock, I went on a major research drive. the result of which is 1)my daughter 2) this list I put together, which, even if it only helps one person, will have been worth it http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=294994.0


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## herritage (Feb 15, 2012)

Hello to everyone again. I have read all the replies and found them all very helpful. It's a great place on here. I have not been on here for a while as it was easier to ignore what was going on in our life. We are currently on our 2ww with our frozen embryos. We won't find out till after Christmas, which is awkward timing to say the least.  We are talking quite openly and realistically with each other but have not told anyone about it this time apart from put parents.  We are tired and worn out with talking to everyone about it. We are becoming defined as the couple who can't have kids. Nearly all out Christmas cards make reference to it and our year of failed ivf. It is comforting reading all the different posts knowing others suffer too. Dreading the test next week, the last one still haunts me seeing that negative result.


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## Ellise810 (Aug 21, 2012)

the best of luck to you both x


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## herritage (Feb 15, 2012)

Did the test this morning and another negative. It's gonna be a tough one this. It was our last attempt and we don't have the money for more. We always hoped that there would be a happy ending or maybe a Christmas miracle, but alas no. Time to adjust to life without ever being parents. Hopefully reading and interacting on here will be of help. I know it's not too busy on here but it really helps just to write out stuff in my head. Thank you.


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

I am so sorry about your negative.     It is so hard and unfair.  Remember that you both have each other though.  Be good to each other and in time you will work out the next stage together.

Ellie


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

We are in the same position as you. We have had 2 failed ICSI and then FET in November. All this while everyone round us has a million children despite having started trying ages after us. We also lost my father in law and Grandfather 2 weeks apart during our first cycle. I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are feeling as we know it so well. 

Look in your heart and ask yourself do you feel this will work? - for me I never did but my husband felt it would and really wanted to try. However after the failed FET in November my husband just said it was too hard and he couldn't do it any more. We have decided to adopt. We are under no delusion that it will be easy it will be a long and hard road but we do believe that it will end with us being parents. 

You have to do what is right for you and what your heart tells you is right though. Someone I know was told she had a less that 5% chance of success with IVF and is now pregnant after attempt number 4. Something in her heart told her not to give up and she was right. (She had consultants refuse to treat her and all sorts.) 

What I am saying is everyone else s opinion and views are irrelevant you have to do what is right for you and your wife. Also IVF isn't the only route to parenting but again it depends what is right for you. Sending   for this the worst time of year x


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## sevsxp (Oct 1, 2012)

herritage..... sorry for another failed test, I as so many on this website know what you are going through, we had so many failed tests I lost count....

however when you wrote in your post *"Time to adjust to life without ever being parents"* I was mortified....... dont think that, what about adoption....?

My wife and I initially adopted a 2yr old boy on July 2011 and then his 9mth old brother Dec 2012, and our life has never been so good. I dont have any faith, but believe in fate,I do believe these 2 little boys were meant to be with us..... and we now are enjoying "family life" and all the good n bad things that comes with that......

The adoption journey is a roller coaster or a ride, but the reward at the end is priceless...... dont give up on your dream of a family !!!


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## herritage (Feb 15, 2012)

It is really heartwarming to hear stories about the joys of adopting. We have spoke about it numerous times in the past.  Very nervous about the actual process and I know we can't go down that route for 6 months I think due to the ivf. Hearing about the joys you have had adopting bring a sense of joy to me but we are both so very wary of raising our hopes again as everything so far has gone against us. At the moment it is still very raw and even though we are both feeling the same, we are reacting in very different ways and are currently in our pessimistic, self loathing phase.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Take your time be angry , sad and all the other emotions you need to feel. Once I stood on our work top and dropped plates. Watching them smash on the floor was so satisfying it felt like an outer representation of what I felt inside. Smashed and broken. I then had a long hot bath and felt a million  times better x


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