# Enough is Enough



## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Hi everyone

I thought I would join you and introduce myself as I am planning to be spending more time on this thread in the future.  I have spent the last 2 years going through 4 icsi cylces and 1 FET, all of which were negative.  My dh and I have talked seriously about adoption for the last year or so but have always decided to give ivf 1 last try as we have been given no reason for it not working other than being "unlucky".  For this reason I thought it was going to be incredibly difficult for me to get off the ivf roundabout because I would always be driven by the thought that the next time could be the "one".  

Everyone says you will know when enough is enough and I am really surprised that following my bfn last week I now genuinely feel the time is right to stop.  I never thought it would happen this soon but I feel oddly calm and extremely relieved that I have come to this decision almost subconsciously.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience or how other people felt when they made the decision to go down the adoption road.

I know there is a long way to go and have spent the last 6 months researching and gathering all the information I can find on adoption which I have stored away in a folder.  So the time is now here to open that folder and start our new journey.

A final question, I know most la's ask for a minimum 6 month wait since ivf before starting adoption.  Does anyone know of any exceptions to this and if not is there anything we can be doing in the meantime to get the ball rolling before we are allowed to start the "formal" part?

Sorry for such a long, waffling post and look forward to chatting with some of you in the future.

Good luck to everyone on their journeys.

Lauren xxx


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Lauren

I totally can relate to your post, I feel exactly the same way although I am putting all my energy's and thoughts into our final cycle.

I too feel that after this enough is enough, never thought I would feel that way but I do. Its like my body surrendering!

I wish you well for the future path you take, will be keeping an eye on your progress  

Love Lou xxxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Lauren

I'm sorry to hear about your very recent BFN and for your others previously.
I remember feeling such an immense relief when we decided to stop. Ours was slightly different to your story as we had fully intended to have a 3rd and final attempt, but sadly was advised not to by our consultant. The shock and grief was huge at the time and I never thought I'd come to terms with it, I suppose very much like the time we've all heard that we are infertile.
I think looking back, I was more upset about leaving my safe bubble behind - namely the staff at the ivf unit who had looked after and guided us through that previous year. I'd already accepted that I would never have my own biological child. Someone said to me "What's more important to you, getting pregnant or having a family?" And that was it, it all fell into place somehow and I knew enough was enough.
Once it was decided that adoption was our next step, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and although the future seemed scary and uncertain again, the excitement took over. We had to wait the 6 months, and I admit it seemed unfair at the time. But that 6 months flew past - we spent that time just getting on with life and enjoying being a normal couple again - not a couple wrapped up in being infertile. All of a sudden we could see a future!
I'm glad now that I had that break, because I needed it to come to terms with what's not meant to be.
We applied officially in April of last year, and were approved as Prospective Adoptive parents on 17th Feb this year! It seems like ages, but it zooms past - we were busy all the time with one thing or another. And now we're waiting to meet our daughter in 3 weeks time!

So, dreams really do come true. Keep believing in yours.

Best of luck, and please keep us informed!

W


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Thank you for your replies.

Lou - I am wishing you so much luck for your next cycle - when are you due to start?  Whatever the outcome at least no one can say you haven't given it your all.  Maybe the fact that you have come to the realisation that after this time you will head down the adoption route will take some of the pressure of you and you never know it might make a difference.  I am keeping everything crossed for you to keep you strong through the treatment and for a wonderful result at the end.

W - Wow, congratulations on the imminent arrival of your daughter.  What an incredibly exciting time for you, I so hope everything goes to plan.  Your post was wonderful for me to read, firstly because your words mirror all the things I am feeling in regard to leaving the ivf behind.  I had never thought about it as a safe bubble before but you are so right.  Regardless of how awful the whole procedure is there is something secure about it which I suppose comes from knowing so much about it all.  Whereas now I find myself back into the realms of the unknown!  It is also encouraging to read about your journey down the adoption road, I don't underestimate by any means the stress that is involved but to come to such a happy ending is wonderful.

A friend of mine summed up something similar to what you say about the importance of having a family over being pregnant.  She has 3 children herself and she said she never thinks about being pregnant or giving birth it is what comes after that is important.  She said from the moment the baby is handed to you after giving birth it becomes irrelevant how that baby came to be with you, everything starts from that day on.

Good luck with your daughter, I am sure you will be truly the happiest and proudest parents you could ever be.

Lauren xxx


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## LB (Sep 24, 2003)

Hi Lauren

My dh and i found it easy to end the tx route and to be honest it was as if a  huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders.

Our LA did not ask us to wait any time in fact we got our negative and within four weeks we went to the opening evening and they were happy for us to proceed - so it worth asking your LA what their policy is.

good luck with your journey

LB
X


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Thanx for that LB, just out of interest what la are you with?  My counsellor has told me in the past that every area has different rules but I've never heard of a wait that short before.  We did notify our la last July, following our 3rd bfn, that we were interested in adoption and they sent us a load of information but at that stage we didn't take it any further but maybe that will go some way towards speeding the process up.  Who knows?!  We shall make the call and find out!

How far have you got with your journey?  Good luck and I hope it is all going well for you.

Lauren xxx


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## jude2 (Oct 2, 2004)

Hi lauren,

I only had one 'go' at ICSI, but after a positive which lasted a veyr short amount of time, I really questioned whether i could go through with it again.  And then we found out I had serious immune issues and the chances of it working seemed ever more remote.  Giving up was in some ways difficult, but in other ways it was a huge relief.  And I did feel like I was at last taking charge and doing something positive instead of being at the mercy of my hormones, my age etc.  (Actually, that is another positive thing about adoption:  I was 37 when I had my ICSI and was made to feel pretty old, whereas my SW keeps telling me how young I am!)


I know the 6 month gap seems like a long time, and I felt like you at the time, but even though you may feel 'ready' you might find that it takes you a while to fully come to terms with your feelings.  not saying that applies to everybody, but if you do find you have to have that break, I found it useful in the end.  At the time I could not really talk about IF without crying, whereas now I can look at it in a more accepting way (not that I would ever say it was not a loss to me).

I hope your journey to adoption is good:  it is stressful at times, but the difference between adoption and IVF is that you have so much more hope of actually becoming a MUm at the end of it, and that makes all the difference, to me at least.  


Love
Jude


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Lauren

Welcome to the board.  I think we can all relate to your post in our own way.  For me the decision was taken when we found out dh was azoospermic (should have found out long before but the hospital consultant lied and we ended up being referred to a clinic to find this out).  When he had his final hormone tests done and we were waiting for the results our decision was do we go ahead with a donor sperm cycle or go down the adoption route.  Dh was happy for me to do a cycle (secretly i think he thought its what I wanted) but after a lot of discussion (and a lot of tears) we agreed that if the child could not be botht of ours then it would be neither.

As you can see from my ticker we found out in Nov 2002 then decided to give ourselves a bit of a break over the Xmas period and started the process in Feb 2003, we were approved in April 2004 and now have two beautiful little girls.  Like Ever we felt a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders and I started to find it easier to deal with our IF.  As we had not had a treatment cycle we didn't have to wait but if we had our LA would have made us wait 6 months.

I wish you all the best for your journey and will add you to our list.

Love
Karen x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hello again Lauren, 

First of all can I point out that I should've signed my last message with "E" not W - ie. everhopeful (not sure where the W came from - just a typing error I guess!) 
I could really come out and introduce myself with my real name after all this time, but some how I've got so used to everyone knowing me as "Ever" so I'll stick with it for the time being! So, pleased to meet you again Lauren!

And more importantly, I want you to know that we haven't found the adoption process half as gruelling and stressful as the IVF/ICSI, don't know how this compares for other girls, but we've certainly found it to be a much calmer time. This, I guess is due to the "almost definate" end result. Once you're on this road, you can finally believe that your dreams of having a family really can come true!!

Bye for now

Ever x

PS Thanks for your reply.


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi girls tomorrow the s-worker is coming a week as gone wow that was fast. I'm not sure what we going to chatting about but i know this is our 3rd visit .. HI LAUREN    HI EVER   HI KAREN HOPE YOU ARE ALL WELL.
well got a little news for you all if the adoption gos a head were going to get married a quick reg office so the baby can go under our name , then get the marrage blessed in a church later on. let you know how tomorrow went. love molly oxo


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Hi girls,

Thanks so much for all your replies so full of hope and encouragement.  Ever - I apologise for the confusion over your name - the W is next to the E on the keyboard so definately a typo!!!

Its really interesting what you say about not finding the adoption process half as gruelling as ivf.  I know I haven't even started on this road yet but I have a feeling that I will find this process alot less stressful than treatment.  I am the sort of person that needs to be doing something all the time to try and achieve my dream (unfortunately its not as simple as having lots of sex all the time as my husband has a vasectomy!) so the appeal of the adoption process to me is really getting stuck into all the preparatory work, home study, etc.  I don't underestimate there will be stressful times but to get away from the horrendous highs (not many!) and lows of ivf can only be a good thing.  I had wondered if I was lulling myself into a false sense of security thinking adoption would answer all my prayers but to hear all your experiences and thoughts is such a fantastic help to me and so so encouraging.

Thank you!

Wow Molly - what an exciting year for you getting married and a new baby!  Congratulations!  Hope all went well with your sw.

Bye for now
Lauren xxx


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi lauren hi girls. today went really well , I'm getting a lot better now with our s-worker the nerves have gone a little now. we was given yet more home work to do    .
we have also have to our f --- forms so getting that little be near next week i have to do my med at the docs for adoption but sure it should be OK . and next visit is wed ... lauren I'm sure ivf was a lot more stressful and lots of early morning scans every other day it was so hard and i did not want to give it up but when the docs told me no way would i get pg with ivf,, i was so so ffffffff gutted . i did take time out and not do much .but believe me i felt so much better for stoping the ivf tripim sure other girls would know this what I'm saying .. this way with adoption is making me feel that baby's or children all need love and cost money where ever they come from. i know when I'm out shopping or what ever i here the words mummy would make it so much better and my dream come true.    .  love molly xox take care


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Lauren, welcome to the board.

We actually started adoption procedures 4 years ago after IUI failed but the SW we saw then recommended that we made sure that we were fully prepared and had got the whole if thing out of our systems.  After a lot of thought we realised that we weren't happy and settled and ready to adopt.  We actually moved home, changed our jobs and gave IVF a couple of attempts because we realised that if we'd never tried it we would always wonder if it would have worked.  I actually managed to get pg with ICSI but had a bad m/c at 11 weeks which left me needing emergency surgery and scaring my DH.  Even though I had 3 frosties left I was nervous about having another m/c again.  When the FET resulted in a BFN I had to consider the fact that I wasn't getting any younger and my chances were getting slimmer.  To us it was more important to have a family than it was to get me pg.  Although I will never forget the baby that I carried and lost, I'm really happy with the son that I've been given.  Adoption isn't an easy ride but to me it is no worse than if tx.

Good luck to you on your journey.

Cindy


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## fuzzy (Apr 28, 2005)

hi lauren,
i can relate to that. we never imagined the day would come when we'd have to think about an alternative to our own natural child! and even though i still feel the scars from the past i am so happy to be looking at adoption - there is so much more hope in it. 
we're not in the uk so the process is slightly different - 9 to 12 months to apply, then 3 month to 6 yr waiting list (very vague!!) for state child (not looking into international adoption at this stage). 
we haven't been to panel yet.
i've just been keeping this all pretty much to myself so far, after 2 yrs of posting on an ivf board.
i'm very glad i found you guys!
 
xxfuzzy

***************************
me: 37 on may 2
dh: 47
ttc#1 since 1998/2000
2003-2004: 1 ivf + 3 icsis - transferred 3 embbies + 1 embbie + 3 embbies + 4 embbies - never had any frozens.
me: pcos - follies too small
dh: 80% abnormal shaped wrigglers + low count


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Welcome Fuzzy

There are lots of us now on the adoption board all at varying stages.  Some like me having been blessed with a placement and other just dipping their toes in the water.

We have a main thread where we post all of our news and there is a list there with everyone's progress.

Good luck to you and your dh.

Karen x


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