# Sticky  The Off Load Zone - please read rules on 1st post



## Shellebell

So what is this zone I hear you ask  
Well it is an area that you can post your feelings whether it be a rant, upset, down, happy, uncertain etc etc

The rules in this area are the same as the rest of FF, so please remember no swearing (use the  icon instead) and remember your 'code of conduct' regarding the info that you leave whether it be about another FF or someone in real life (don't forget this is a public forum)

*THERE IS ONE MAIN RULE JUST FOR THIS OFF LOAD ZONE, YOU CANNOT REPLY TO MEMBERS POSTS ! 
UPDATE TO THE RULE, YOU CAN'T POST ON OTHER THREADS ABOUT WHAT IS MENTIONED ON THIS THREAD* 

This is purely to get something out of your system and once it has been aired hopefully you will feel a lot better for it.


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## Fire Opal

fab idea Shell, thanks so much, 

much needed on those clomid days 

fo


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## serenfach

I am definitely having a Clomid day and probably the worst one so far. I need to vent, else it will all fester in my mind and that isn't healthy, not considering the ttc especially..

My 7 months pregnant bm was off work over Christmas, but she is back tomrrow. I love her dearly, but apart from the fact she is heavily pregnant, she has no idea what 'tact' is.
My other 6 months pregnant bm barely ever contacts me nowadays. 
My other friend who I am not as close to as my 2bm's, but still spend time with/contact, had her 5th child 3 months ago.
All I've heard from my family for the past week, especially my one sister, is all about my Great nephew.
My other sister has 4 children and a grandchild.. there are constantly young children/babies with her and she has issues with her hubby. So I'm not piling on her shoulders, anyway. 
Even though NYE was good [we had a party here at mine] the majority of it saw my DH's 2 yr old nephew being doted upon by everyone. I see him 2/3/4 times a week and he is constantly doted on by the whole of DH's family.
My next door neighbour is about to give birth at any moment.
Another friend at work doesn't stop talking about his pregnant girlfriend.
All I seem to hear and see is baby baby baby on tv, magazines, films.. 
I thought my DH completely [well, as close to 'completely' as a man could] understood what I'm going through, but I realised today that he really doesn't get it that well at all.

I finally realise today, that I have no one to talk to about any of what is going on and I am alone with this. I know I can come here and the girls here are great and it certainly helps me considering I'm new to the treatment side of things. But when all is said and done, the girls here have their own issues to contend with. They really do help in lots of ways, but it's different.. I would love to have just ONE gf here at home who could even remotely understands any of what I'm feeling/thinking - and preferably she wouldn't be pregnant!!

I am constantly frikkin surrounded [physically here at home, not the forum] by people who are either having babies or just had a baby or talk about their babies. I sometimes feel like I'm on meltdown and the se from Clomid doesn't exactly 'help' with re to being even more emotional than I already am. It's so so hard to stay positive sometimes, to believe that it will happen for us. I can't look at my DH some days because I think I don't deserve him and that he is going to miss out on something he would be brilliant at, something he would cherish and protect and love more than anything else on earth.

Ttc 5 years and 4 months. I have days [and today is fast turning into one] where I think I'll never have my chance. Worst part of all, I feel guilty for wishing all of the above people would just shut the hell up about their babies for 1 freakin day and give me a break!!!! Cant write anmore I have tears streaming down my face.


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## FlossyFly

My mum called today to tell me about how she had been nursing the baby daughter of one of her friends sons. This ended with a big sigh and "I hope it will be yours I am holding next" Yeah thanks mum..... I am sorry for not getting pregnant quick enough...Must try harder


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## Fire Opal

need to let out my bad thoughts

I keep having moments of   in my head, its wrong i know i feel    that dh   can't seem to get to my egg, its silly i know but i'm going though all these SE on clomid, can feel the pain of ov and still its not happening, why can't his dam sperm be arsed to get there, also why is it i feel i can't blame him as its a manly thing, if anyone every asks me what the problem is i put all the blame on me,    

this is v silly and its only in my head for a few seconds but just needed to vent my feelings Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fo


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## Bellini

Bellini's wish list for 2009:

1. That everyone, including my mum, would stop saying "if you stop thinking, wishing, going on about it and relaxed you'll get pregnant"
2. That everyone would stop asking me if we  enough
3. That hubby would cut down drinking and smoking - especially now we know his swimmers are on the low-side
4. That I would just bloody ovulate.  It's not much to ask is it?? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

All I want is 1 baby.  Not 2, 3 or 4. Just 1.  I'm not being greedy.  I've never done any harm to anyone.  Why is it that people who used to pop pills/snort coke and drink alcohol like it was going out of fashion can get pregnant like "that", when I can't....??


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## Lentil

Thank god for FF!! 

I have spend 5 years and 6 1/2 months waiting for a BFP and succesful pg. I know as I know the exact date when we started ttc as it was our friends 40th bday. 

If there is anyone watching over DH and I or anyone up there please please can you make it happen this year and please if I am not asking too much can we have a sign or something - or just ideally a BFP soon...like this month if possible 

After DH and I discussed things (drunkenly so not a good idea but I wanted to talk) he said no to DE and no to adoption so ttc naturally and with tx are our only hopes now.....PLEASE can my guardian angel work some magic for us

xxx


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## wouldloveababycat

Can't stop crying today           feel like I have really bad pmt and now doubting that this cycle has worked also have dull stomach pains ... just read Lentil's post and it made me cry as I feel just like that today and don't think I can do this for much longer ..can't believe I have felt so positive up until today and today all the old omg I am sure it has not worked again fears have come back ... its that bit that is sooo exhausting mentally .. and I have had so so many cycles like that    ...one after another after another I also feel now as a mod that I shouldn't be posting posts like this as I want to be soooo positive for all your girls but how can I do that when I don't feel positive myself               

Cat x


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## JW3

Well I feel like maybe it is worth a rant now seeing as how Cat had hers and she turned out to be pregnant.

I am just mega frustrated with this whole thing at the moment.

I think it is coming to a head because I know next week I'll probably have to fit in time in my diary to go to the clinic and have antoher scan.  Its great that my clinic do all the scans but they don't give you the clomid each month unless you go to all of them and I have a mega busy life.  I've just had some great work news that my new product is approved and now I have to launch it and I could really do without having to find extra time in my diary as I'm meeting loads of important people next week and don't want to mess them about.

I am still busy even though I have had to give up personal training which is something I really love and get a lot of enjoyment out of which is so unfair.  I was a size 10 and now I feel really fat and there's not much I can do to lose it because the consultant has told me not to do too much exercise.

I've been living with so much uncertainty in my life, when will this happen?  Will my job be safe, as the company I work for is being taken over this month?

I wish I knew when it would happen even if it is years down the line.  As this has all come to a head over xmas I've made some big decisions.  I had stopped studying for my MBA, but I'm starting that again in May and I've bought a really expensive car to enjoy.  I just can't put my life on hold anymore for all of this pain and heartache.

Knowing that our IVF go will come up later this year is really scary.  I really don't want to get to that.

Thanks to all the clomid girls for being there, its really helping me. xx


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## malteeza

7 and a half darned years TTC #2.  I look in the mirror and now see someone I don't recognise - a miserable old 43-year-old.  There's barely an occasion or photo or holiday over the last decade that doesn't trigger a memory of TTC, miscarrying/getting over a m/c, waiting to m/c etc etc.

But what I REALLY want to vent about is my bl**dy sister who came to stay at Xmas.  She had the cheek to tell me about a friend of hers at work who has already got 4 - yes 4 daughters and now at the age of 42 is about to have another baby...and that I should be pleased for her because 'she had a string of miscarriages'!!

Umm, excuse me, but I also had a string of miscarriages that ate away at all my TTC years and I would have LOVED to have had 5th(!) baby at 42, but my crappy clomid did not  do the trick for me.

I HATE TTC,...I HATE SECONDARY INFERTILITY, ....I HATE CLOMID...I HATE BEING TOO OLD AND I HATE SMUG MOTHERS OF MORE THAN ONE CHILD WHO REFER TO THEIR FAMILY AS 'THEIR BROOD' AND I ESPECIALLY HATE MY DOCTOR'S RECEPTIONISTS WHO MAKE THE WHOLE PROCESS MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE.

God, that felt good to get that off my chest.

Malteeza


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## Fire Opal

COLD, TIRED, TOOTH ACHE, FEEL FAT, FED UP       

THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY TODAY

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fo


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## joeandwillsmummy

At LEAST your m/c was early Nic, at LEAST u know it can happen. At least you've got ur health. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Why do women say ANYTHING if they don't know what to say?

TTC #3 since 2003 (with yr off in middle) so think 5 nearly 6 yrs waiting is ENOUGH!     I know people wait far longer , and I'm not saying I'm any worse off than anyone else I just feel so blooming despondent about it sometimes!


When I was ttc #1 with all the investigations it was such an emotionally painful journey and this is no easier. Why can't people just stop telling me about this friend or sister or blooxxy cat (yes!) who's having babies and leave it alone. My bf being pg is painful enough, though I love her to bits without the world and his mother reminding me every day that I AM NOT!

That DOES feel better!


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## Lentil

Not sure this is the right place for this but the bl**dy dogs have just ran in from outside and there is mud all over the office and hall floor and me and my chair and then they started play fighting and barking loudly so I have shouted and screamed at them and i am trying to work from home and so is DH and they have just all done my head in!!! erm.....so much for no PMT ...  .....

Right Lentil - a talking to you coming your way. Either it will have worked or it wont so STOP keeping thinking about it and worrying. You looked for signs and have them but with Clomid they could be AF they could be a wonderful BFP...Face it - you aint getting any answers for at least another week and thats probably too early even then so shut up and stop going on about wanting to be pg.

    
better now


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## serenfach

Not so much a rant, as a little release coming up..

At work this morning, I still have really bad pd pains. I stood in the kitchen waiting foir the kettle to boil and had a freakin terrible twinge. I grabbed my stomach and bent over, clenching my teeth.. Not 10 seconds later, as I;m still bent double trying to catch my breath, my pg bm comes in and says "Oh, I know how you feel.. [she put her hands on her stomach] .. this baby just doesn't stop moving [she giggled] it gets on your nerves because it hurts sometimes. Mind you, I don't miss my periods.. they're horrible!"

WTF?!  

It took EVERY fibre of my being not to reply: 'Quite frankly, I couldn't give a **** my dear! Please **** off!'


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## Lettsy

I am feeling really down at the moment, AF arrived yesterday afternoon while I was at work. Found it very difficult not to cry in front of everybody. Stupid me for feeling positive about last month. 
AF arrived a couple of days later than my other clomid cycles and I didn't have any spotting beforehand, even DH was looking up pregnancy symptoms on the net as he was trying to convince me I may be pregnant. Bless him, I hate letting him down, he doesn't deserve it. I keep telling him how sorry I am that I can't give him children, he says it doesn't matter but i'm sure it's hurting him too. I feel like I wan't to apologise to my family as well for not being able to give them grandchildren. 

Feeling a bit sick today as waiting to hear how the scan went for my bro and his fiance, they should find out how many weeks pregnant she is. I'm dreading the phone ringing. God how selfish am I! but Hey, at least my mum and dad are going to be grandparents!

Not sure if i'm going to stop crying today, I need to go and do some things but I can't even be bothered to get dressed. 

Oh and to top it all off DH is away for 5 days this month . . . . exactly in the middle of when i'm due to ovulate.

I've never hurt anybody, I've never done anything wrong, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I exercise and i'm not overweight, I eat healthily, I don't take drugs

*WHY ME, WHY CAN'T I BE A MUM, LIFE IS SO UNFAIR*

Oh and i've put on half a stone since November, THANK YOU CLOMID!

Hopefully now i've got that off my chest i'll stop crying.

Sx


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## Shellebell

My thoughts

- I will be married to DH for 10yrs this year, and although we haven't been 'trying' since then we haven't exaclty been avoiding it before the wedding.
- I am the baby of the family, my parents are in there 70's, my Brother will be 50 and my Sister will be 48 this year. My eldest niece is 25 (I was an aunt at 9  ) and now I am a GREAT Aunt to a 6yr old and a few weeks old baby. 
- My 2 closest friends got pg both times (they have 2 kids eaach) at the same time, with one friend I have become their babysitter   and she just doesn't get IT   I love them, I want to know about them, but there is a line 
- I constantly worry that it will never happen for us and I will just end up in a spiral with more and more people getting pg before me and everyone assuming that as time goes on it must get easier for me.

The only reasons I can think of that I haven't completely lost the plot

- Even tho we have been trying for soooo long we still make time for each other, so it's not all BMS. We also make sure we have time out (esp as he is a homebody/xbox360 guy and I am a chatty/outgoing kinda girl  ) to do just what we want to do.
- I take each day at a time, just battle thro today as best as you can as tomorrow is another day. 
- Having suffered from depression in the past (well if you are prone to suffer you learn to live with rather  than get over) I can mainly see the triggers or the signs, so I can usually take myself off for a drive etc to clear my head a bit. However there are times that the only thing I can do is shut the door to everyone and ride out the storm. this is not a bad thing if you are aware of whats going on and allow it for a short period of time.


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## Lentil

Feel fed up, Feel like giving up ttc, Dad still poorly, still waiting for him to b transfered to heart specialist hosp so they can take proper care still feel like ****e still   lots and even though   on Thursday I continue to torture myself with the possibility which is an impossibilty and have therefor drank lots of red wine as feel so inadequate and fed up.
Why do I keep putting my life on hold for something which obvuiously isnt meant to be, ie no drinking, no making plans more than 3 months ahead 'in case  am pg' and for what as it never happens. Lets face it< i left it a bit later than I should ut then I think back to a few risks I took with ex and nothing happened so I have just imagined for all these years that I would have kids and I dont. For any of you lades that alteady have a child and are trying for 2nd pls dont put all your energies into it and waste time by missing out on your first born - you are lucky to have one. Enjoy them and make the most of them. Rant over - babydust X 1000000000000000  to you all.
L
xxxx


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## JamesBrown

FFS WHY OH WHY CAN'T I GET PREGNANT?!  That is all.


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## FlossyFly

*What she just said?!?!?!?*


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## serenfach

^^ What they just said!


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## clomid user

wot they all just said     its snowing yipeeeeeeeeeeee


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## Bellini

Bleeding
But not properly
So am in limbo
Why is it so confusing?  
What did we do wrong?  We BD'd for England? We tried sooo hard.
Pah Grrr Pah Grrr


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## emily1983

I need to get this all off my chest.... My rather large chest thanks to clomid...  

Im sick to death of ppl telling me to wait, as im only 25 and things will get easier and you will fall if you start having passionate sex... WHAT I seriously doubt that sperm know if its passionate or not. Do you hear them telling one and nother, right guys, shes only doing this to get UTD, lets get outta here. 
Pfftt.. Im sick of not showering after it, putting a pillow under my butt.. all the above.
Where is the BFP we all want?? Why cant we be parents?? We are good people, i am a loving aunty to all 7 of my nieces and nephews.. but i wanna learn and grow with the experience of bringing up our own.

I hate clomid.. the hot flushes, the weight.. the moods.. although, i may love it after the blood test on saturday.
I wish making a baby was fun.. and not so looking at the clock. I agree , why do smackies get preg but we all cant??

maybe the stork is lost??
pfft

watever.. its all doing my head it.. this 2ww sucks balls... pfft

that
is
all


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## Bellini

2 BFP's now in the last 2 days for people TTCing No 2 - both within the first month or 2 of trying.

FFS - WHY??

What did I do wrong?  Am I such a bad person in real life?  

What if it never happens?


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## serenfach

Before this festers in my mind, I'll just get it out here and now.

For God sake, witch face! Either make an appearance or let me know you're definitely not coming round my way for at least 9 months!!!!!!!!!!  One or the other! Right now, I don't care which one it is, but give me something OTHER than ovary pain, hot, sweaty flushes, dizziness and a freakin headache from hell, all seemingly leading to NOTHING!?!? 

       


That is all. Sigh..


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## serenfach

My clinic stinks 

I called today to make sure we have an appt booked for the end of this month [as suggested by the Nurse last time we were there] Turns out the 'next available appointment' is April 14th!!!! What?!

The secretary was not helpful at all and explained how we should have booked a consultation in advance, last time were there. We had to fill in forms and hand over photos for our files at the end of last appointment.. the bloody secreteary was the one who saw us - said nothing about needing to make an appointment there and then - and merrily waved us goodbye as we left!!

I have 2 Clomid pills left and that's it. What do I do now?

From what I've been reading/hearing over these past months, the differences between the NHS and doing this privately, are immense. You have to almost beg for scans and blood tests with the NHS, whereas if you are do it privately, they can't wait to get you in. It's all about money


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## JamesBrown

My mum tells me that when me and my brother were conceived, she was late for her period, felt a little sick and went to the doctor and was told she was pregnant - natural and beautiful.

Why can't it be like that for us?  I've just had my first meltdown this month and all for the most pathetic reason. I had expected to get a pos on the opk and to ov on Friday and nothing, nadda, nowt and so I've been crying my eyes out like a big baby.  I am as dry as the Sahara down there even after wasting a load of cash yet again on stupid vitamins and medicines.  Just spoke to DH about BD'ing in the next few days and I just felt stupid and like I was pestering him.  Thing is, I have to otherwise we would never do it.  I might lose my job tomorrow and then if I did get pregnant we'd be in a right mess.  I'm fed up of looking at calendars, working out edd's that never happen, wasting money on opks, hpts, preseed, expensive food, hearing from my mum about my brothers friends and their wife's getting UTD and saying "well nobody else in our family has ever had a problem getting pregnant".  I'm sick of going to that hospital on my own, sneaking out of work, sitting in that room full of pregnant girls, only to have an empty appointment with a doctor who just sees me as another sheep.  I'm sick of being at work being unable to concentrate because my biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear myself think.  As much as I love everyone on FF's, I'm sick of logging on all the time and trying to find any snippet of info that might help us get pregnant.  And most of all, I'm just aching to be a fantastic mother to my lovely child who I haven't yet been able to produce.


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## Bellini

So far 2009 has been pants. Both MIL and FIL are very ill and now FIL has passed away and we're still no closer to getting our dream to make him proud - and now it's too late... he'll never see his Grandchild...




On top of that, 2 more forum friends got their BFP's this week (non-FF forum friends).  Whilst I'd never take that away from them... WHY is it those of us long term TTCers are bumped to the bottom of the pile

 Please God, if you're listening, send us a child to make our life fulfilled and give MIL something to live for.


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## bella 64

Just want to have a moan, feeling really fed up today  
AF due and not turned up, and been doing HPT till they come out of my esrs.and all i get is BFN   
So just wanted to let of some steam

Please God let me get a BFP.


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## hami

I feel pants, feeling really down & keep wanting to cry  

Just statred on 1st month of clomid & was scanned twice last week - too many folicles, so advised to abandon cycle this month & half clomid does next month.  Was coping ok with this, appart from having terrible back ache (not sure if a side effect from clomid), having hot sweats & not sleeping well but then on Sat morning at 5.30am (i was awake tho) i get a txt from my BF telling me Her little baby boy has finally arrived - arrrgggg!!!!!!  I'm soooooo happy for her but it kinda tipped me aver the edge & just want to cry. 

I did manage to go out to family party on sat, but a usual loys of baby talk & i just ended up getting very drunk & had a terrible terrible hangover yesterday (so did DH!)

Feel so depressed i haven't even got dressed today & dog keeps looking at me as if to say "when you gonna take me out"

I just want a baby


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## Tama

Why is everyone in the world having babies? Why are there 4 girls at work pregnant? I have to smile and listen to them tell me "it's a girl" or "do you think I look fat?".

My BF is 5 months pregnant and again I have to be happy and smile. I'm happy for her really I am but that doesn't stop the pain I feel. 

All the advice I get is "relax you'll get pregnant". Do people really think it's that simple? I want to scream at them and ask how can they say that with a smile on their face having never had to 'try' for a baby. They just look at their dh and wham! There are people that drink, take drugs or just do it once and they get pregnant, never loose the baby and go on to have lovely healthy babies. What is wrong with the world?

I have had one of the best weeks up until today, feeling genuinely happy and positive and them BANG the tears just turned up and the feeling of being alone and empty. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way or has problems but right at this moment all I want to do is curl up and cry. 

Af is due on Sunday. I really felt that this month it had worked. Just have this feeling that something is different, different feelings and just a sense of knowing - what changed? Why do I feel so down?  

Is wanting a baby such a bad thing? Why do I feel like a nut job, I thought trying to get pregnant was meant to be fun. The person that came up with that load of tosh was either a man or someone with 3 kids!  

If there is a God and he is listening, stop for a moment and take a look that this site. Give the girls a break, give each of us that one baby we all so desperately want. The drug takers, drinkers and the rest of the people that have children only to abandon them will not miss them. We will love our babies and take care of them always. 

T


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## Shellebell

I have been deleting posts on this thread

Please read the rules on the 1st page 

Thanks


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## Bellini

If anyone else says "it'll happen when you relax/least expect it" I will commit a hate crime.

That is all.


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## PoDdy

Hi,
I hope it is ok to post on here.  I have just had one of the worst experiences of my life.  We embarked on our first IVF journey in January, only for it to end in cancelled egg transfer, as I developed OHSS.  I just feel so down.  

I spent a week in hospital and have never been so ill in all my life.  I starved for 5 days and then ended up severely hydrated, then once they hydrated me, I developed OHSS.  Then, when I was feeling a bit better, I got severe consipation and stomach and bowel pains, then when I got home, I picked up a cold/flu and couldn't leave the sofa, then AF arrived and I was in agony for 3 whole days and now, I feel tired all the time and so very low.

I have to go back to work next week and I just don't know where I am going to find the energy to be nice to people and think about my work.  

To top it off, DH and I feel so alone.  We don't see anyone from one day to the next and my so-called friend texted me loads whilst i was in hospital and hasn't even been round to see me since I've been out.  No one in our families know about the IVF, so we have been dodging calls and making up excuses for a few weeks (not that they call very much).  Now it looks like my mum may have let it slip to my sister that we are having trouble ttc, as she is bringing up her children out of the blue this weekend.  

My lovely friend who was doing IVF at the same time as me feels guilty because she got a BFP    and that is the last thing I wanted her to feel.  I was so pleased to hear that it works and she was so deserving.

I have this overwhelming sense that the 9 embryos we have frozen will not become babies and that we should start to move on whith our lives.  I feel so unsettled - I need a sign of what to do now.....

PoD


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## serenfach

What do you say to someone who has no one to talk to? A person who has 2 heavily preg best friends.. a husband who while fantasically supportive and loving, wants a child as much as they do and so is in the same emotional state as them? How do you console someone who feels deeply alone, frustrated, losing patience, useless, totally unfeminine, angry, ugly - spotty and bloated and worried about her age re pregnancy? Just what do you say?? I would have known once.

I've talked myself through the last 5 something years of tcc and managed to hold it all together. I've sat myself infornt of a mirror countless times and told myself that our day would come, that we have as good a chance as anyone else, that everything happens for a reason whether we can understand/accept it, or not. I've spent month after month in hope, keeping positive for both myself and DH, but it's becoming more and more difficult. I was given a drug at the clinic that was never going to help me conceive - I believed it would, I made myself believe it.. but after so much reading, I now know that it is almost useless for someone who already ovulates perfectly fine - with a blocked tube and a DH with low motility. What the hell was the point in it?? It's enough to know I can't do this by myself, let alone being given mental/emotional challenging drugs that were never going to help us in the first place, but instead served only to make me an emotional wreck. << I didn't need any help there as it was!!

My sis in law is home from London this weekend with her hubby. DH has just gone out to watch the rugby with them and a few friends of his. He begged and begged me to go, but inbetween not being able to stop crying, trying to explain that I feel ugly with a greasy face covered in zits, that I don't have a pair of jeans that fit me anymore, that my own [pregnant] friends will not be there - and as a result, I didn't need his pity.. and that basically I am the last [miserable, whiney, teary] person they would want out with them, anyway .. I managed to frustrate him to the point where he couldn't talk to me anymore and had to leave before an argument broke out. So now I've just alienated the man I love more than anything in the world - the only person I feel close to anymore. Great. Just perfect. Could I be any more stupid and pathetic?? It kills me to feel this weak and negative. I can't stand feeling like this. Just a year ago, I would have been the person would have come to for support and positivity.. nowadays, I can't even manage to watch a tv advert without ending up in tears for Christ sake.

IVF is due for us soon. I can't believe it's come to this. Maybe a while ago I would have had the strength to just go for it and keep my head up high, but I don't know if I can do it now. If it doesn't work?? - I just dn't know what that would do to me, to us. DH and I are very close.. we've been through more in 13 years than couples we know who have been married for 20 something years, but the unspoken, underlying tension here at home, re baby stuff, is starting to seep through the cracks. It's causing us to have silly arguments that would never normally have come about, or worse still, not speak to each other properly for a few days here and there.

I just want our baby to come.


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## Irish Dee

What a fab idea for a thread.

There is a whisper in my heart and in my soul that only I can hear.  All it says is, "I would love a baby".

Makes me sad somtimes and angry other times.  

Dee


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## trixxi

My wee sis has just had her first baby. I am delighted for her but wish it was me.  I feel guilty, emotional and want to withdraw, everyone is so happy for her.  She does things the right way round.  me on the other hand has done it all higglty pigglty.  My mum knows I am waiting to start clomid and when seeing how emotional, tired and sore my wee sis is she says when i mention there is a 1 in 15 chance of having twins she says..... you really need to think about this, make sure you really want it? EH HELLO...?  there is no thinking about it, I'll take what i'm given, it feels to me like an ache in the pit of my stomach that sometimes creeps up and suffocates me.  
I have tried to "forget" about it (like you really can)  because my relationships with both my sisters has been strained as they pop em out, 
but now I ask myself ...... at whos expense,

When will it be my turn?


----------



## Bellini

Had my day 21's today.  We've  for England and done all we can.  

I don't think I have ovulated.  Our home stresses are unbearable atm but we are trying our best.

If this cycle doesn't work then it's back to the clinic, just in time for my 2nd neice/nephew to be born.

Life is so unfair. When do I get a break?


All I wanted was for MIL and FIL to hold our child. Now they are gone and we are heartbroken. What if the child never materialises? What will happen to "us"?


----------



## poppylou

wow this is such a good idea 

right where do i start, why do u always get told different things at hospital appointments and why are they so slow at doing things they say they will ie referal letters i thought mine was done 7 weeks ago only to find on thurs it has only just been done this week but not sure if its been sent yet! . 

Also why do people always ask when r u going to start a family its about time u been married for 2 years or people/friends that know whats happening say dont worry it will happen when u relax and least expect it, just forget about it!!!!!!!!!!! Forget how can u forget they dont understand how u live your life having test after test appointment after appointment etc and living in 2 week periods AHHHHHHHHHHHH just feel like screaming at some people. infact i did tell a friend the other night when she told me i am only young so dont worry!!

My niece is 13 weeks pregnant and keeps saying she is fed up of being pregnant cos she cant drink, ive had to stay away and bite my lip! 

ALL I WANT IS A BABY  

well im feeling BIT better now ive had my rant xx


----------



## Bellini

poppylou said:


> Also why do people always ask when r u going to start a family its about time u been married for 2 years or people/friends that know whats happening say dont worry it will happen when u relax and least expect it, just forget about it!!!!!!!!!!! Forget how can u forget they dont understand how u live your life having test after test appointment after appointment etc and living in 2 week periods AHHHHHHHHHHHH just feel like screaming


I hear you chicken!!!

I CAN'T forget about it
I find it almost IMPOSSIBLE to relax about it

Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhh


----------



## Bellini

spotting started today.
9dpo.

why? why? why?

I'm not sure I have the strength to carry on.


----------



## daisymae

Feeling very frustrated  and wondering if it will ever be my turn, think i'm gonna scream if i see another pregnant woman this week eveywhere i turn there seems to be one, must be the warm weather that's uncovering all those bumps.
My boss has just announced she'll be on maternity leave in 2 weeks as the pregnancy is further along than they thought, i just wish i could feel excited for her instead of feeling resentful as her pregnancy was an accident she didn't even want a kid and thought about having an abortion at the start 'if only she knew how lucky she is'.

I'm not feeling good at all this week, have experienced what i think is s/e fro the clomid lots of aches,pains & twinges,hot flushes & dizziness. 

Just wish it would happen natuarally 

candize.xxx


----------



## Tama

Need to scream   

Another girl is pg at my work, she's the 7th in 10 months!!! I'm hanging on by my fingernails and this has just sent me over the edge   . It wasn't planned and it's just another 'oppps look what happened'. 

Why the   can some woman just get pg without even thinking about it and other have to go through all this. IT IS NOT FAIR  

We have all waited and waited and waited and waited some more only to have our hearts and dreams jumped on every month. I try to smile and stay positive but after 34 months of seeing  I feel like I'm about to loose my grip and I hate myslef for being so weak and hate my body for not being able to do the one thing all woman have been doing for millions of years.

Why me? Why us? What did we do? Why can't it just be me?

Well now I have that off my chest, fingers crossed I can pull myself together and stop crying.

T


----------



## JamesBrown

Got referred to the hospital a year ago now  .  Feel like I'm going nowhere with it all and am tempted to have private investigations.  In fact I feel as though whatever was wrong with me in the first place has probably just got worse.  Feel like screaming at my consultant.  Before I felt fertile and positive to some extent and now I feel totally useless as a woman and frustrated with it all more than ever.           

Some kids have just tried to smash our window to boot.     argh!


----------



## Hope29

Im on CD26 on my 8th cycle and Im so afraid of it all falling apart again. I dont know if I can cope with another BFN. Sometimes I wish I was a serial tester but the truth is Im always afraid to test because it just always says the same thing not pregnant! I feel like a useless woman!! I feel like Im letting my DH down because theres nothing wrong with him and its all me. I just feel so down and couldnt even make it into work for the past 2 days.... why o why is this all so difficult Im so sick of going through all he se's and hoping so so hard and then getting those dreadful cramps and AF arrives... Its just too heart breaking. I wish I could find a way of blocking all of this out but its too hard! Im so sick of myself and I feel like Ive lost alot of my self confidence during this whole rollercoaster and my friends are like a distant memory.... I cant think of anything else, its just taking over my whole life!!!!!!!!!! Thats my vent... Thanks xxxxxxx


----------



## serenfach

Had a client in last Friday.. as I'm sifting through jobsearch paperwork and asking her Q's about what it is she has done to look for work since I last saw her, she blurts out that she's pregnant. I congratulate her and ask when she's due.. she grimaced and said [I quote] 'If only I'd known, I could have had one of those pills that would have gotten rid of it'

WFT is wrong with these girls?! They aren't all thick as sh*t, surely?! Don't they understand what the Pill is or even something as simple as how to keep their frikkin legs shut!!??

It took literally every fibre of my being to stop myself from screaming in her face.

I've heard this so many times from young girls who sit infront of me and the longer our ttc goes on and the more bfn's we get, I am beginning to worry that I will explode at one of them soon. If I do lose it, that's my job gone in an instant and I just can't afford to lose my job.

Stupid, thick idiot girls. Why don't they THINK before they drop their knickers?! Makes me sick.

There, that's better. This has been playing on me for days.. had to vent it somewhere.


----------



## daisy22

Down day today. Dont know why. Just feel like I am never going to be a mummy. Am surrounded by fertile people who seem to be u.t.d. every 5 minutes. Its so unfair- when is it going to be my turn?

I am so sick of 2ww's. Seem to spend my whole life waiting- for af to turn up, for appts for ovulation!

Why cant I find the will power to stick to my diet and exercise. I lost a stone but am struggling to loose anymore- loose one or 2 lbs then put them straight back on. You would think I would have the will power to stick at it -given the incentive. I am so useless in every way- cant get pregnant and cant loose weight to help me get pregnant.

Feel lately I have no interest in anything other than ttc. future plans just seem pointless. We were planning a beautiful extention to our house - but planning got refused- nothing ever goes right,

When will something nice happen to us?

People always comment that I am the cheerful chatty one but inside my heart is breaking- I have had enough.

Sorry but just felt i needed to vent my feelings somewhere- have nowhere else to do it.

Maybe its the clomid making me feel so down. maybe is this just a down day? I'm not sure. 

sorry
Daisy


----------



## serenfach

Clomid, you're a  !!!!!


----------



## daisy22

Yeah clomid you evil wicked  .
Will love you if you get me utd though!!!!!!!


----------



## Hope29

AF arriving 2 days early aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh!! Im sooooooooooooooo sick and tired of it all.... I swear its just never gonna happen... how can I stay positive if all I ever get is knock backs?? Im heart broken and cant even break down because Im in work!!!!!!!! I HATE CLOMID and all the emotional pain it brings with it... and of course a woman announced today that her daughter is pregnant, my friend in work sends me pics of her scan and in the q for lunch the woman behind me was hugely pregnant...... Im not a bitter person but Im turning into one!!!!!!!!!!!! When will it be my turn?


----------



## marshmallowT

i hated when my friend said to me after me doing IVF only once maybe you just cant carry. 
i hate when i tell people yeah i want a baby i am doing IVf and they say what age are you now
I hate when i had  ivf abroad and then went to the hpt here when i came home because i had a pain in my right side and the doctor in the hospital did a urine test and when i asked about false negatives and doing a blood test she said if you are preganant you would be a positive on the urine test with total disregard for all the avail literature out there (so i never got a beta blood test and felt so cheated although i got one today before they can give me meds for acid reflux which i badly and developed a few weeks ago). 


VENT OVER, THANKS FOR INVENTING THE POST 

Polly


----------



## trixxi

not having a good day


----------



## trixxi

ok here goes...........

this has to be one of the loneliest things a woman has to go through, the silence from family and friends is deafening.  All you can ask for is someone to listen, no big words of wisdom required just a bit of support?  a simple how are you, not nothing?  
I have spent all day trying to clear my head and it simply ain't happening.
I feel really emotional, completely frustrated and empty.

and now to top it off dh has fallen out with me and hes to go away for a week with work 
in 14 years we've never been apart that long, timing really is perfect.NOT. hes my rock, i dont even need to say anything
he just knows when to cuddle, when to say pull yourself together or when to just leave me alone.



OMG.......my heads seriously 


Is this clomid playing its dirty tricks or am i loosing my marbles?


----------



## JW3

I am having a rant now about hopsital receptionists.

Now first I will clarify that some of them are wonderful.  But unfortunately not today.

Having a really hard time altogether, so rang the clinic to book the appointment, as I was told to yesterday by yesterdays lovely receptionist.  But today I get a full blown lecture just because my file is with the consultants secretary and someone is going to have to go down her office (in the same building) and get it, and its not where it should be in the NHS file.  How dare me as only an NHS patient have the file with the consultant and not in the filing cabinet.  I could really do without this hassle, my life is hard enough at the moment.

So I'm not keeping my mouth shut anymore I explained to the secretary very nicely (maybe too nicely) why things were so difficult so she could get the point that she wasn't being helpful Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.     

Luckily my employer knows whats going on and is ok with all the appointments, but what do other working women do??  I have been so flexible and taking time out of my working day at 12 to go down the hospital so the receptionist has time to get the file.

Really don't want to go to the appointment on my own today, feel like you've always got to be pushy to get answers and I've had enough now, there's not much energy left.  

Will just have to put my best into it.

Thanks for reading,

Jenny
xx


----------



## karen-lynne

I HATE CLOMID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Hope29

Crazy clomid day... came home went straight to my room after eating DH in the car!! Then had another rant at hom and stormed back upstairs!!! Hot flushes all day in work, my work colleagues were frozen all day! Found out my ex's girlfriend is pregnant and they both work with me... It has been the worst day ever and to top it all off I have a sick stomach and feel like crap!!!!!!!!!! I HATE CLOMID SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH


----------



## serenfach

Araaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!! For the love of Bob!!!!!!!!!

Peeing all the time, sore nips, tender bbs, pains down inner thighs, wierd pain around my pubic bone [wtf??] moody, tired, temp still up, crap concentration, dizzy spells, crazy skin breakout, blood in my nose [wft??] cramping, bach ache, bloated, trapped wind, hot flushes, don't know if I am late or not because my chart tells me something completely different to what I thought........turns out it might actually be right after all  because no sign of af - and tested neg!! I have this overwhelming feeling that 'something isn't right/normal' but can't quite put my finger on what??

You know, if this isn't my BFP and somewhere down the line I do _actually_ get it, I won't have a freakin clue! I'll be giving birth before I even know I'm preg!   The majority of the above are all af symps for me, but I have been haiving them on and off for about 10 days now.. still no af. Howwwwwwwwwwww frustrating 

I know Clomid can be a cruel drug and give you so many preg se.. it SUCKS.. but I have seen it give so many of the girls here their miracles.. so I am not completely out of hope _quite_ yet 

HcG results tomorrow.. at least I will know for sure one way or the other


----------



## karen-lynne

I try to be a loving and caring friend and person as often as I can be but some times people make it so difficult for you!!! my BF who doesnt want any babies has managed to get pregnant twice in the past year with her fiance - the last time being this week!!! Each time she has had it terminated - which is entirly her right and her business but aparently Im the only person she can tell about these things as Im trying for a baby, I'll understand WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Im all for supporting her in her decisions and that but I had to go to the clinic with her this time as she didnt even tell her partner - she didnt want to upset him so she just upset me instead!!! Im very supportive of her but its twice in one year she has done this - if she doesnt want a baby she should put the mouse back in its house and lock the door!! 
All she goes on about is how lucky I am that I dont have this problem falling pregnant easily and that she wishes she was me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HELLO
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG


----------



## bella 64

Well here it goes I'm just soooooooooooooooooooooo  off, with testing and getting one line.
I got upset when i spoke to me mother on phone, about my DD how she gets upset if others play with her toys.
My mum replied oh well it doesn't help when you have just got the one, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
And she knows my history,mums really need sometimes need to stop and think, before opening.

Please please AF just come, and stopping messing with my head


----------



## poppylou

having a very bad day keep crying told today yet another friend is expecting. 2nd person in a week. im happy for them it just hurts so much made me feel sick all day just feel like going to bed and staying there. i just wish these feelings would go away. then to be asked when r u going to have a baby ahhhhhhhh  think im going mad   some people r so insensitive


----------



## daisy22

I need to get this off my chest.

I am     angry. AF came this morning- typical. When will it be my turn? Why cant I have a baby? Why do i have to wait?

2 people at work have got pregnant by accident- how How do you get pregnant by accident silly   they should keep their legs crossed if they dont want a baby. One of them even had the nerve to be complaining to me about it. I wanted to scream  f f do you know how lucky you are? I was in charge that shift and I know I was really stroppy and horrible after that esp to that person.

I have had fertility treatment forced on me - this is not my choice- why do I have to be nice to everybody else and understand their problems? I really couldn't care less that you dont want to preg that is your tough  - dont come moaning to me - I am the wrong person.

I have had enough- I have reached my limit. I am in such an angry place. the world is not fair. I only want 1 thing - A BABY. When will it be my turn?

Sorry to dump this

Daisy


----------



## Tama

having a sh*t day  

All I want to do is shut myself away from the world and cry. 

It isn't   fair. 

When will it be me?

I don't think I can take much more my heart feelings like it is breaking everyday. I know that I will have to keep waiting and praying because if I give up then I will never be a mummy. 

God! Why does this have to be so hard and cruel? It doesn't help that the   hospital have told me I have to wait until September to see the consultant. I'm sure I will wait an hour past my appointment time to be rushed in given 5 minutes and told that I need further treatment and this involves .....wait let me guess......more   waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm all over the place at the moment and really don't know what to do to make the hurt stop. 

Sorry to off load this but I really just needed to vent.....

Tamsin


----------



## trixxi

What a    day.

cant say much more than that


----------



## serenfach

So here I am again, for the same reason as before. This is becoming ridiculous 

Late af, sore bbs, waves of nausea, irritability, fatigue, clumsy, peeing lots.. I'm also starving today, even though I've eaten loads already and to top it off... just to slam the proverbial poxy cherry on the ttc cake of misery, my temp is 36.9!! << one of the highest temps I've ever had!!  I tested bfn so why why why all these frikkin preg symps??!! Where are the af cramps I normally have? Where is my af back ache? Where is my af typical skin breakout??

I tend to temp just now and again at the moment and I average 36.2 - 36.5 whatever time of day it is. I will sit and calm myself for 30 mins first and then take my temp. I just did that upstairs in DH's office where it is much cooler [though not cold] than downstairs and had a shock to see such a high temp. I don't feel ill or anything, so I can't explain it.

Life can be so unfair sometimes.


----------



## poppylou

having a bad day feel so emotional dh is not being supportive im worries about starting ivf on fri and he just plays on xbox and says it will be fine ahhhh. to top it all off family keep saying about not drinking and making a big thing out of it all driving me mad im not a big drinker anyway so does not bother me to drink u can have a fab time not drinking.

rant over!!!! thanks for listening!!!!!!!!


----------



## JW3

Just feeling like a bit of a rant,

What a pain all this TTC and PCOS is?

I have the opportunity to apply for lots of jobs at work and I need a new one so I don't have to travel as much.

The thing is I really want to do something really important but I know that this will likely be quite stressful.  If it wasn't for the PCOS/IF I know I would just go for it.  But what if going for it is a choice between having a bfp and having a great career?

And the worst thing is I do think that stress has an impact on my pcos, this month I have done much better after I started the hypnotherapy and have been more relaxed.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

What should I do?


----------



## serenfach

I'm having such a $hit week. Before Clomid, my cycles were all over the place.. if I was late, I was late. Simple. I had a poas addiction for a long time but I stopped all that a couple of years ago. From then until Clomid started, if I was late, I was late.. no biggie and no poas.

My cycles since Clomid have been 29d-35d.. much better than they were. Even my month off in March was 35d, so all in all a huge improvement on life prior to the demon pills. This cycle is my first since stopping Clomid [6 rounds all BFN] and today I reach CD40. I am having lower back pains, twicthy [upper] legs, some abdominal twitches and lack of patience  << all 'usual' af signs. Been like this for about 3 days now, but no sign of the red stuff.

The reason I'm writing here is because together with what I've just described, I've also been having [for the past week/10 days] headches, bloated, really sore/heavy bbs, short bursts of nausea, increased cm, constantly using the loo [for both reasons <<sorry if tmi] and very restless and/or sleepless nights. Last night at the cinema I came the closest I have ever come to fainting, it was horrible. I was suddenly boiling hot, my sight went fuzzy, lights went dim and I honestly thought I was going to be sick right there and then.. it lasted for less than a minute and I was perfectly okay afterward. Also [again tmi.. sorry] but I keep thinking af has arrived as I find myself suddenly very damp down there. And do you know the wierdest thing of all [and I had this a few cycles back, too] - I can smell things either others can't or much stronger than anyone around me. The flowers I had for my anniversary made me heave.. the smell was soooo strong I almost threw them out - and I usually love the smell of fresh flowers!!

I tested last week and it was a BFN. I tested yesterday and it was a BFN. I 'feel' wierd.. like something I can't put my finger on, but the tests are telling me I am not preg so I am lost and I have no idea what it is. It would be a miracle, after all this time, for me to suddenly get a BFP whilst not even on any tx and while I don't mean to spread negativity, I don't believe for one second that I am preg. So what's going on?? Why why why do I keep having cycles where I have so many preg symps?? I just want af to arrive so I can move on and get onto my next stage of tx. I feel yuk and just so freakin pi$$ed off


----------



## Sue74

Not having a good day  .  Why does my   body let me down, this journey is   my head in, feel like I need to stop for a while as its taking over.  I can't stop myself looking at the calendar, doing OPK's etc......  Last month the old  didn't turn up until cd43, how cruel to give me all of those symptoms and make me think I was pg, I really thought this was it.  Finding it hard to keep up the PMA


----------



## dianne1985

I'm in the middle of mt 2ww and sick of waiting - ARGH!!!! 
Its driving me mad its all i can think about!!!
I hate waiting for things in general but this definately takes the biscuit!!!
Why cant time pass quicky so i can test?!?!?!


----------



## serenfach

It's driving me a bit bananas the fact that I can't find info with regards to high AMH & Antagonist IVF cycle.

I've searched so many websites but there is little in the way of experiences shared etc. I'd just like a better idea of what
to expect, considering. I'm feeling a little lost. There's tonnes of info on here alone, re IVF, for which I'm very grateful.. but
my circumstances seem to be rare. I know there are ladies with an AMH like mine or higher.. surely the majority did the short /
antagonist cycles for IVF?? I was told that the long protocol would be a bad idea under the circumstances. 

I'd like to know what dose stimms they were/are on as I have been given a very low dose of both and starting to feel that as
I haven't taken the pill for so long, I might need a higher dose. Then I've read how bad an idea it is to put women on the pill
before an IVF cycle.... it's all so conflicting.

Guess all I can do is keep searching.


----------



## Gem78

Totally miserable, and have lost all PMA.  Hate what this is doing to me, our sex life and our marriage! Days like this i cant see anything working, and i so sad, i could sit here and cry, and cry and cry.

Fed up of feeling so isolated, hate that people tell me to stop trying so hard, and i wish they could just have a day in my shoes, drugged up on clomid (which isnt working) , worried about the cost of IVF, a year since i lost my baby and a husband who has low sperm count and has become impotent since this whole thing started.  Just wish people were more understanding.

x


----------



## boola

I'm a newbie and I'm so glad I found this site.  I have been so fed up and sad recently that I felt totally alone in this fertility battle  

2 of my staff are pregnant and my other friend is pregnant too. 2 of them told me on the same day, how considerate?  Thats it now, all my friends will have babies and me (the oldest) still won't know what it feels like to have a child of my own. I'm sick of congratulating people and saying the right things and trying to show some interest when all I want to do is tell them to   off!

The truth is I don't want to feel like that, I just can't help it. I'd give anything to go back in time and have one day of my life without this black cloud over my head. I'm sick of   .  I'm really trying not to give up hope but I'm sruggling. 

I too am fed up with people telling me to relax and it will happen   I know family mean well but my in-laws have no tact. When my SIL came to stay with her 6mth old baby boy. Whenever I touched him or held him, all I could hear was them huddle together saying 'ah poor you, it'll happen one day'.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH So humiliating.  My SIL is lovely but 6yrs younger than me and had 6 abortions during her teens, and was told she would have problems conceiving, but no!!!!!!!!, it happened by accident.  Just for the record, I'm not judging her, I had an abortion at 19.  I sometimes feel very guiilty about it because me & DH are still together and maybe that was our chance and we missed it. 

I'm off work this week to clear my head, I have to try  

Big hugs to all of you


----------



## trixxi

I never thought i would actually write this down, but in a bid to try and move forward i am going to give it a go....

Dh and i have an amazing son, hes 13 now.  i dont know where the time has gone?  When i fell pg it was a huge surprise, shocking as we were quite young (and not married), but we were in love and so we were delighted.  Our delight was short lived after telling our families.  My family (devout catholics) couldnt get there heads round it.  I was ignored by family members and my parents barely spoke to me thru the pregnancy.  I worked in the family business at this time and on a daily basis ended up in tears by the nasty remarks made to me.  I was made to feel embarrassed and ashamed of what i had done.  I hid from people i knew because i felt so vulnerable, i was paraded in front of people with remarks like.... look at this.... and the shock on peoples faces was blatant .

Ironically, i LOVED being pg, i tried so hard to cling onto this feeling, but spent my nights being comforted by dh, and crying myself to sleep.  How could something so natural and beautiful be so bad?  

I am absolutely devastated that my one and only experience of pregnancy was spoiled by my family.

Our son is the most amazing child ever, he constantly surpasses all of our expectations, we are the proudest parents in the world.  And yet i ask myself why is it not enough
My mum says our ds is so perfect why would we want to "risk" having another one now, that might not be as "perfect" as the one we have??

So our IF journey has turned into the biggest guilt trip i have ever been on.  
We have a child, perfect and wonderful.  Why cant I just be happy with my lot

I am struggling to know where to go? what to do next? if anything.

I feel my infertility journey may be over.... is it time to move on?


----------



## chris03

This is my 1st post on FF & it's a rant!  But firstly, I'd like to say that I am so grateful for this thread & glad that this site is available to women who are having fertility issues.  I have PCOS & have been TTC going on 3 years now.  

I have started Clomid & am hoping it will work but I am dumbstruck at how unsupportive & downright inconsiderate some of my friends & family have been.  Sometimes I feel I am going insane.  My own mother avoids the topic with me as if it is some kind of dirty laundry issue, I never get calls from my sisters so I know there's no support there & on top of that pregnant women seem to be surrounding me.

I have a new neighbour who's just about to drop her 2nd child, my younger sister has just given birth to her 2nd, friends seem to be getting pregnant faster than I can keep up with the news & rubbing it in my face to boot.  I somehow spent the best part of an hour on the phone this week with a 'friend' who got pregnant within a month of trying & decided she needed to lecture me on all her baby plans, how interested every one is in the baby & how 'everyone wants to see the bump!'  She's actively flaunting her pregnancy before me with no mention or regard for my impotent fertility.  What is wrong with some people?  It's got to the point where I don't want to see said 'friend' any more because she is so insensitive.  I also have a mother-in-law who thinks it's helpful to lecture me & my hubby about sex {in front of other people too} & thinks it's her business to get involved with our fertility decisions - 'when are you starting IVF?' was one of her more gentle digs.  I haven't even got to AI yet.  It helps so much to know I'm not the only one with these kinds of thoughts & feelings & that there are other people out there going through the same.


----------



## zimdel

Is it classed as murder or manslaughter if you kill your girlfriend while on Clomid   for putting salt on your food when you said no thank you,


----------



## AweezeC

I HATE the stupid woman in work who has 2 children under 4 already and came back from maternity leave already pregnant with the next for trying to make it better by saying "oooh, once you've got kids, you'll wish you never had them, they take so much effort".
No, no, no I WON'T ever wish I didn't have kids. What a stupid comment and one that can only be made by somebody who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and doesn't know what it means to long for a child. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!


----------



## Bellini

Why does one part of the NHS not talk to the other part??

May 2008 - Dear GP, we have been trying for 1 year and nothing.

GP - oh right you have an underactive thyroid - here's 50mg of thyroxine, you're cured

4 rounds of clomid later...

Sorry Mrs Bellini, you need ICSI... off you go to Barts

August 2009

Barts says - Mrs Bellini - is your thryoid stable?

I say - yes it's fine, my GP said so.

Xmas Eve - my ICSI fails.

January 2010

GP - what is my TSH level please doctor? I am looking for answers...

GP - oh it's normal Mrs Bellini, 5.27

I say - 5.27 right ok.

I call the British Thryoid Foundation: BFT, these are my levels - why am I still infertile and not carrying these embryos?

BTF - well Mrs Bellini, what do you expect, the levels are meant to be under 2, at 5.27 you're still borderline underactive thyroid

Whaaattt the fuppedy fupp    

Whyyyyyyyy?

Not only is Mr Bellini firing v low count but we've been firing at a non-existant target!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
*
What a waste of 32 months. *


----------



## Smiffles06

Feel like a freak, cant stop crying or being angry for no perticular reason   On day 3 of clomid AGAIN feel like someone has ripped out my ovaries turned them inside out and then put them back in.

Sick of everything and everyone, wonder why everywhere I look there is a pregant woman, on the tv, at the garage, in the supermarket.  Feel like I am being mocked and punished.


----------



## vicky50

gotta off load.  having a really bad month - feels like im constabtly low - cant laugh for real, cant feel happy for real, any good feelings are dead. im so snappy, insecure, angry, low, sad, and confused.  im taking this    tablets and they make me into some crazy woman and i then snap at DH and then i dont even want sex with him - im too angry and hateful.  

so confused. ive read peoples posts and there is so much that is not happening for me.  ive been to see doctors and all ive had is a blood test, tubes checked and DH sperm count.  Comid clomid clomid - ive had a massive cyst out and have read clomid can cause more - no ones checking this. why should i have to get loans out to go private when they should be doing their jobs.

im 40 in 4 months and i want a baby NOW. ive tried for too long and its becoming INSANE.  

so glad this is here for me to rant, really appreciated - thanks.


----------



## zoooooommmmm

mini rant. Was at a hospital visiting someone. Had to pass the maternity unit. Outside lots of preg women in their pj's smoking, yes actually smoking, one even had a can of something which looked a bit like special brew. Meanwhile here I am taking every vitamin known to man, drinking the equivalent of the english channel in water and trying every trick in the book to even get pregnant,. ITS NOT FAIR. 

ANother thing OPK's totally stressing me out which I know is ridiculous but when it says I haven't ovulated its like OMG I failed. Ridiculous I know, but there we are.

SCREAM
Ta


----------



## Geordie Lou

I totally agree with IsabellaSky - it seems like the most unfair thing in the world that we are all trying so hard to be ultra-healthy (I'm not even touching alcohol, not even a drop   ) .  In Aberdeen the fertility centre is INSIDE the maternity unit and pregnant women smoke outside frequently - so whenever we have an appointment we are seeing lasses smoking, and we have to walk past the various maternity sections.  Makes me so annoyed - this is all so unfair.
Ooft, that's better.


----------



## zoooooommmmm

Another tiny rant. I went into the hospital today, which is always a joy. Even more of a joy that a photographer (who does baby shots) has talked some lunatic at the hospital into displaying his stuff and flogging his services to pregnant women. The reception was literally plastered in pics of baby's, just what I needed.


----------



## mjp1977

Had the   day possible! Felt really hormonal as soon as my eyes were open, I feel so out of control, raising my voice at my ds and dfs, it's really unfair, made a real effort, made a really lovely meal, dh moaned that I gave dfs expensive meat when he is a fussy eater and that I gave ds sausages! WTF, it ended in DH not eating any of his meal and throwing it all over the kitchen, I was accused of thinking more about our dfs than our own son! I have never felt so hurt, for once I bit back and he really didn't like it! thankfully dfs was out of the house at the time but it really upset ds.  Why am I putting myself through this misery to be treated like  , I get the kids ready for school, take ds to school, go to the shop to help out, come home to get ds from school do everything else with no help! why should I be treated like this.  Then I get the blame for him going mad because I shouted at him! am I really supposed to just agree that I am a bad mother because I gave my son sausages? which he loves?? he said I have been moody for weeks, excuse me, you knew exactly what things would be like, how many times have we been through this before? 9, 10 , 11 times? you bought the drugs, you know from past and previous experience what Clomid does to me, you want a baby as much as me! hopefully we won't have to go through the heartache we did before when we lost our 4 babies, I'm seriously doubting whether to continue and whether I should stay and put up with this.


Thank you for letting me get this off my chest!

M x


----------



## zoooooommmmm

Having a down day, seems everyone in the whole world is pregnant apart from me. Latest one whose produced told me how didnt even want one until next year but it just happened. I actually did want to slap her. Tired of stuffing my body full of this rubbish and it not working, don't feel I can communicate with my consultant at all and he doesn't seem to give a damn whether I have side effects or don't or anything. My next appointment isn't until after AF is due and as ever no plan moving forward. I just have to call his PA and he decides whether to shove more clomid at me, no discussion , no interest in the previous month , no nothing. Get no tracking or scanning and just think why?? So tired of this all just being a struggle and all I want is to talk to my mum and I can't because she's gone. It's rubbish.


----------



## Sammy123

I have had a bit of a rubbish time of it lately, I just need to get somethings off my chest.

We have been ttc for nearly 2 yrs, and between my GP and Gyn they are telling me different things to start off with. I had my bloods done on cd22 and when I rang for the results I was told they were ok. Now the gyn has said they are a bit low so they've put me on clomid 50mg. I have taken them and thankfully its not been too bad, hot flushes and bad headachs (I used to get headaches when I was on the pill, so at least I know their are more hormones being produced   ). I'm on CD11, and the opk's are still negative but fingers crossed   

Its really annoyed me because I had my blood tests in Feb 10 and its taken until now for them to do something. Apart from my HSG (which was clear   ) I havent had any other tests. I just feel they are not taking us seriously, I would consider private if we could afford.

And then to top it off EVERYONE is getting pregnant around me. 2 people I work with (20 and 21) got pregnant by accident out of their own stupidity, its not bloody fair!!! 

I just want a little one of my own so badly, is that so much to ask


----------



## mo:-D

Why is it EVERYONE else (well ok not everyone) can get pregnant but not me.... 1BM, 2Work colleagues and 3 old school friends ALL had babies this weekend, NONE had any fertility issues.... and now, log on to ******** and a girl whose wedding i went to a month ago is 12 weeks pregnant............ great thanks..... hoping my appointment on friday will take a step in the right firection,       but until then i will cry..........................


----------



## JasperP

Why didn't Surrey PCT  tell the  hospital about the cuts to IVF funding BEFORE they announced it on the news?  When were they  going to tell us?  

And if just ONE MORE person tells me that if I relax, I'll get pregnant, it's baseball bat time.   My state of relaxation has absolutely no bearing on my DH's sperm. 

Thank you for listening.


----------



## Angelina28

Really, really had enough and just want to give up!  Cant take the 2ww any longer.  The stupid thing is that i know I wil never get pregnant but i cannot stop hoping and putting myself through hell.
Just done 2nd month of Clomid egg good, day 21 ok (well good enough for 1 ovary).  I have Positive on Ovulation Kit (sorry forgot abb) each month then from day 12 onwards it just go goes downhill!  Bleed one day (old blood) then i dont then big fat AF on day 29.  
Really know there is something going on preventing me but not sure what!  Could be the stage 4 endo, the 1 ovary or that i just dont work right!!!! Cant even see a child in my future and it is so soul destroying!!  DP has an 12 year old daughter who is lovely, but not mine!!!!!!
WHY CANT I HAVE A TURN!! JUST WANT A BFP but wanting isnt good enough is it??
Yes both my sister and sister in law are pregnant with their 2nd child and i cant even get a BFP.
sorry ladies for that but i feel better and even though i know there isnt any point really I will put myself through my 3rd round of Clomid!!!


----------



## cupcake30

Hello dear old friend.
How lovely to hear from you
Yes, I am delighted for you to hear that you have conceived and are now 14 weeks pregnant with your baby.
BUT DON'T TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND *EXACTLY* HOW I FEEL
You don't even understand where I'm coming from
Oh, woe is you, it took you 9 months to conceive, you were really worried you were infertile.
But you are not
I AM
You were worried you might have to go for tests
I DID
You were worried you might need to have treatment
I HAD
And DON'T tell me you are here for me to talk to, any time
Because you have no idea of the pain you caused just by saying you understand
How can you understand? You've never been where I've been
You've never lain awake at night wondering if your turn will ever come
You're not who I am
And you don't understand.


----------



## zoooooommmmm

Right OK well here we go - when someone writes a book called "How to feel when you're infertile but hey life's just great really" please let me know and I will read it and of course behave acordingly. But right now from where I'm sitting it's just **** actually and I feel sad and angry and disappointed  and I want to cry lots and I don't need closure or to move on it's just ****. EquallyI don't want to be pitied or petted by smug ugly *****es who have kids with who even knows who the father is actually I want to punch you. And no I don't want to borrow your baby why would I want some **** ugly thick kid its not like I'd create something like that nbow is it? I don't want to see your baby scan and yes I do mind if you steal my baby name even though as you so kindly pointed out itrs not like I need it,

Anyway having fully considered it all life is just ****


----------



## leanneNpaul

OMFG im going to blow up the f ing hospital fertility clinic they are as crap as a house made from bloody edible waffer paper, if they tell me ONE MORE TIME your only 28 mrs jennings you have plenty of time to have a baby i WILL drive all the way there and smack them right in the chops. hellooooooooo

1)yes im 28( almost 29 ) but started trying at 21
so......
2) almost 8yrs is a long time to try in my book 
3) wtf, i have to ask for tests that should of been done near the start
4) drilling ? ere i was told 8 holes in each, just found out it was 4 each 8 total, @#*%'s
5)pessery's, they say i dont need, well chat to bmi shirley clinic whom are shocked at that as i keep m/c ing
6) why am i m/c ing.... they dont have a clue nor seem to care, again  @#*%'s, bet you bloody would if i paid at your priv clinic wouldnt you ??!
7) loose some fat it might help................OMG if it was as easy as that i think i would of by now, its hard not supported, not much money and help ... and if they say fat 1 more time i swear to god i will be doing time not trying for a baby.
 put me on noreth and tamoxifen, ok so now i have spoken to 4 people at clinic all with diff ideas on when and how much.... gezzzzzzzzzzzzzz all i want is to know if im doing it day 4-8 with a scan day 10 ( seem bloody stupid to me as only 2 days after last tab ) and if im doing 40mg 1st try and 80mg sec, or 60mg each try or they want me to have 3 try's on 40mg ( even tho i was told 2 goes ) as nothing they sent me add's up.

i got a book from ebay by prof Robert Winston, INFERTILITY, a sympathetic approach to understanding the causes and all options for treatment 2001,
now i know some things might of changed but most of what it say's should be a 1st point of call and things that should be looked at have not, the options it says i should have ive been told not yet. ere, if after 8 yrs ive not been checked for at least 3 of the things in the book and if 4 of the treatments/drugs they can try with in a 3 yrs of seeking advice have not been tried or been told about should i be worried ? only my health seems quite basic compared to some. i have pcos yes, i can get egg's if on drugs , again yes, i can get bfp when i have released an egg , yes , i m/c every bloody time i get bfp, yes, do they care,  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  

we all know it gets harder as age gets higher, but it really feels like they dont care about that, im sure when i get to 31 32 they will be like, well mrs jennings, your age does not do you any favors with the pcos you have , YOUR FAT DONT HELP ( there words ) and we dont have as much chance now your over 30 as your eggs wont be as good, F ING WAKE UP AND SORT IT OUT, DO SOME TESTS GIVE ME MORE DRUGS TO HELP KEEP A BFP AND BLOODY MAKE YOUR MIND UP ON THE AMOUNT AND TIMES , GIVE SOME HELP WITH THE WEIGHT, SAYING LOOSE THE FAT DONT HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## jenni01

OK!
Why me?...OK I'm a hard faced bxxch and I've had a colourful past, but does that mean that I have to go through this sxxt?
I'm so sick of hearing "OH Jenni your so strong, you can cope!".
Well I don't want to fxxking cope, I actually want to cry until I have know tear's left.
My mother inlaw asked me what my neighbour's baby was, well I'm assuming it's a girl as now the weather's good all the cute baby bib's are on the washing line....Bxxch, she didn't even want her, he told my DH that it wasn't planned and that it mean't they can't go on holiday anymore!!...what a fxxking dxxkhead!!...Plus they said that when I was going through IVF!...so why should I have gone round and congratulated them, they have never come to me to say "sorry it didn't work", so fxck them!
I also just found out my ex hubby has remarried and guess what....yep they've had a baby!
So another day, just put on my war paint and secretly cry inside....cos I'm strong!...no I'm not, I just have to be for everyone else but what about me?!


----------



## Hayleberry

Here goes.A random message on ** has made me upset.
I am sick to death of being told to forget about trying for another baby just because me and DH already have kids.Sick of being told to just be grateful for what I have and to move on.I AM grateful,my kids are mine and hubbys whole life.We can afford another child,we have tons of love to give,we have the space..why the hell shouldn't we try for another?? I don't claim to be going through the same as the women who are trying for their first..infact it took us 13 months to fall pregnant with my first child so for a while there I WAS where those women are..I DO know how it feels to have month after month of disappointment whilst everyone else in the world falls pregnant!
To be able to get my clomid I was told to get my BMI down to 30..hubby was told to stop smoking.I lost over FOUR stone in 5 months,hubby lost 2 st.He stopped smoking and still has 6 months later.We turned up at the clinic with a BMI of 29 and the cons was gobsmacked that we'd actually achieved everything she'd asked and more besides and was more than happy to give me my prescription!So next time someone trying for their first baby with a BMI of 45 or something tells me I don't deserve any fertility treatment because I have kids I'm going to bloody well point out to them that if they want it that badly they should try to lose the weight like I did.GOD I'm spitting with anger here.I'd never tell ANYONE if they had 2 or 10 kids  that they shouldn't be allowed treatment if the kids were loved and well looked after.I made the effort to get the clomid..changed my whole life style and damn it nobody can tell me I don't deserve it!!!!!!


----------



## Jean Gray

Doing this from my phone so here goes: 
I'm 34 
Very overweight 
Don't ovulate 
Disabled and don't want to pass it on  
It feels like I've wanted a baby forever but as hubby has two he's always wanted to wait until they were grown up. Which they are. Now I can't get pregnant naturally and I feel robbed because of all those years waiting for his kids to grow up. 
I've been to so many   hospitals that I no longer feel like a human. Always the same, the eyes light up (very rare disability) and they start prodding. Now the fertility people are joining in. 
I've never felt less like a woman in my life and I'm supposed to want BMS knowing it's me that doesn't work. 
 dark cave here I come. (and thank f... for Clomid or I might never get a chance to try)


----------



## emmasmith9

This is really awful but it's how I feel so here goes.....

By the time I got diagnosed with endometriosis my insides were pretty screwed. I had always mentioed to doctors that had heavy painful periods but they never took any notice of it. Even worse, my mum took 10 years of unexplained fertility to get pg with me and my aunt was diagnosed and treated for endometriosis. Yet no one thought to tell me this and as a result I'm now struggling and probably facing IVF if I'm ever to have children. As much as I try not to, a small part of me blames my mum for not telling me of the family history - at least if I'd have known I could have made different choices. And I feel guilty for feeling this. I feel full of rage and totally depressed at same time . 

At least I can say this here, I don't feel I can say it aloud to anyone else.
Em


----------



## buttoneyes

I am tired and furious this morning.

Afetr going to bed early because I am exhausted (clomid side effects) , DH -or !#%!head as he will be known today, decided to wake me up at two in the morning and made me do a hpt because he "had a feeling and couldn't sleep".

Despite me saying I am due AF today there is no point in testing I don't even think it has worked this month he still forced me into the bathroom half asleep.

Surprise surprise it was negative and he said a pathetic sorry before climbing into bed, then I'm left feeling awful and I can't sleep.

Now I have to go to work and I really hope nobody crosses me, because they may find themselves lacking a head !  

AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGH !


----------



## jodilee

Having a pretty rubbish day today  !!!!! 
I have spent most of my life not being able to read the signs my own body is giving me and then when I finally think I know whats going on I start taking clomid and it all goes wrong again !!!!
I know that taking clomid will hopefully benefit me in the long run   but in the mean time I am reading even the slightest twinges and bumps in the road as possible signs it might have worked!!! 
DH keeps telling me it's only our first round of tablets so not to get my hopes up but that is really difficult seen as though I have wanted this since I can remember and now everyone else I know seems to have what I want - and even more frustrating don't realise how lucky they are!!! 
I'm still only day 29 of my cycle and don't know when to expect  or when to test as Ive only had one blood test at hospital which I had to choose which day to go on (a week before I expected AF) and now I think I even got that wrong! I just wish I knew what my body is doing and didn't feel like such a huge failure as a woman!!!!!! 
Sorry for the rant!!!!!!!


----------



## jenhopes

hi well here goes.... im on clomid 50 mg days 2-6 ive just finished my 4th cycle and af has just arrived ARRRGHHH   really really down and just wondering now if its worth me doing rounds 5 and 6/   rant over......


----------



## siob

I don't even know where to start. We've been TTC for 18 months and in that time we've been told Clomid and IUI probably won't work so we went straight to IVF. I didn't get past day 8 - I didn't respond to the fertility drugs so we didn't even get as far as EC or ET which was absolutely devastating. Now our only option is DE yet I've somehow found myself starting Clomid this morning because there is a tiny chance it might work so we might as well try while we think about DE. This is so stupid! Why are we wasting time taking Clomid when we already know it won't work and we'll end up spending a ridiculous fortune on DE treatment that won't work either and we'll be left with adoption which takes years. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I've quit work because I couldn't cope. We have a new puppy who is adorable and I love him to bits but he's not my baby and I resent the time and energy he takes up. 
I'm so sick of feeling like a failure and like I've let everyone down. I feel like people are constantly talking behind my back about how awful it is that I can't have a baby and I'm so pointless and pathetic. I'm so sick of my entire life being dominated by this. It's the only thing I think about from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. 
I don't even know which bit to be upset about. Should I be angry that I don't ovulate and I have a low AMH? Or should I be frustrated that nothing seems to work? Should I be depressed that my life is now on hold and I can't move on or do anything constructive until we have a family? Should I feel like a loser because the only thing that will fulfil me is a baby? Should I be sad that I'm not the same person as I was and I feel so low all the time?
I feel so stuck and frustrated. I don't know what to do or how to feel. My husband's friend has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and even that won't bring any clarity into my life, I'm still stuck like I'm frozen in time and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I think I've put so much thought and energy into this over such a short period of time that I'm just burnt out. Like I've switched off. I feel like maybe I've been so preoccupied with the fact that I can't conceive that I haven't really given much thought as to whether I really do want to be a mum. Maybe I wouldn't be cut out for it?
I hate the uncertainty. If someone could just look into a crystal ball and tell me it will happen. I don't need to know where or when or how I just need to know that it will. I can't cope with the voices inside me. Some telling me to carry on and it will happen and others telling me it's a waste of time, I'll end up adopting and I'll always feel like an outsider. I know its a horrible thing to say but I just don't want to adopt a child. Its not the same, it won't ever be the same and it would feel like a consolation prize. And not just to me either - all my friends and family would look at me with an adopted baby and feel sorry for me that I couldn't have a proper family.


----------



## BettyNoir

Ugh I'm having such a rubbish day. Am on my 1st cycle of clomid, finished taking it 7 days ago, no idea whether or not it's been working as hospital isn't monitoring me or anything. Have been feeling really weepy and just getting sick of having constant stabbing pains in my lower abdomen and tender breasts.

Sister-in-law is pregnant at the moment, 8 weeks from her due date and will not STFU about her goddam baby and has no tact whatsoever, and neither do any of my husband's family. We're going camping next week (our only holiday this year as saving up for IVF) for my birthday and she has invited herself along, so MY holiday is being turned ito her "last chance to have a holiday before the baby comes" will be nothing but baby talk for 3 long days and my husband doesn't see why I'm so upset about this. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

End rant!
Betty.


----------



## Jean Gray

Friend at work knows about the clomid and problems I'm having. Then announces she is pregnant. After TWO months of trying. She is now 20 weeks and hasn't asked about me at all. Selfish I know but I thought she might have spared a thought for me 

Anyway, the other day she's talking to someone about the wonders of being pregnant, luckily away from me and comes back looking guilty. She says (with a straight face) do you think V will have heard? (V who has had 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF and thought it had worked). What? I ask. She says, I hope V didn't get upset hearing me talk about the baby and people having difficulty conceiving. 

WTF 

Gobsmacked. I was absolutely gobsmacked. 

I haven't been able to look at her properly since


----------



## Jennyren

I am so sick of staring at that one little line on those stupid dreaded little white sticks !!! I keep staring and staring, hoping the second line will suddenly appear as if by magic. I even go back two hours later and re-check the bathroom bin just in case. It is soooo STUPID !!!!! When will I get my two little lines. 2 years of trying but much longer yearning,,,,,,


----------



## trixxi

I cant believe i am back here again, life really does suck. I am surrounded by happy endings, wheres mine?  I am on the road to acceptance (so i am told), accepting that I will never have another child, how are you supposed to do that? Keep busy, be happy with what you have and little by little life will get easier... my ar**...  

My husbands health is not good, he couldnt cope with another child and honestly, deep down I dont believe he wants one... 'we' have given up (or so he thinks)  yet I dont think i could ever face the thought that I wont have another baby... but when you stop trying how is it possible?

There is nowhere for me to go on here, i dont even talk to anyone about it anymore, i feel so,so lost.... none of my family or friends know how i feel because they are fed up hearing about it ... what am i supposed to do?


----------



## gemmalouisebrown

trying to conceive is SO exhausting, physically and mentally, iv been trying for 18months now n still nothing, i have pcos and its v frustrating.
i have tried clomid, no joy, then i tried tamoxifen n still nothing, now I'm on metformin and tamoxifen, on my 3rd week, so fingers crossed this works.
i have such low days sometimes, where i think my partner isn't bothered n he doesn't care how i feel, n he doesnt want a child as much as me because he has one from a previous relationship.
i hate it when i have a low day sooo much, coz i think of the people around me that have children or are expecting a baby, my younger sister is 30 weeks and when she told me i was heart broken n cried, don't get me wrong i was really happy for her but because this is such a tough journey for me i found it hard to deal with at the time, of course i didn't let her know about my feelings, now I'm at the stage where i feel i have no 1 to turn to or talk to. i am hoping and praying these tablets work, because i really couldn't afford ivf, id have to pay for my first attempt because my partner already has a child, n that really annoys me, the fact that its me with the problem n the nhs still single me out n punish me because i fell in love with someone that has a child, now i have to pay the price, i pay my tax n national insurance, work full time and made something of myself and this is what support i get from our country. iv heard alot of bad things about metformin, but all iv found is if i dont eat something then have my tablet it makes me feel really sick. feel better now iv got some of my thought on here.


----------



## kat612

I know it doesn't make a blind bit of difference; but its just not fair. There, I said it. And now I feel a bit better. 
Now onwards and upwards.


----------



## Rave77

Thank god for this thread...feels like i've been bottling it all up for fear of being thought  a B***h.

Sorry in advance if i upset any unmarried ladies too...its nothing personal.

I have tried all my life to do everything properly, studied hard, worked hard, made a home and waited for marriage before starting a family and it just isnt happening. In the past 12 months, 4 young unmarried girls in work have got pregnant "accidentally", one of whom had an abortion and another who has seriously considered it and talked about it openly. It's not right!

An another thing 2 friends in the past week have told me that "everything happens for a reason, maybe its not the right time" err what does that mean? I'm 34, married to a wonderful man, with a beautiful home and a steady income. If this isnt the right time, when the hell is

AND my best friend who took 14 months to concieve ( naturally in the end but had started tests) was only too happy to cry on my shoulder when she was going through it. She now has a  beautiful 6 month old baby and she is not interested in where I am up to with TTC, she hasn't even asked how things are going since she had the baby. 

The end.


----------



## vix26

Had a mixed week. Started clomid so things have started to look up. On a negative my cousin has just announced she is pregnant (unplanned) with her second baby, my auntie told my mum and my mum told me, I never realised how much this was affecting my mum as she was in tears telling me on the phone, which obviously led to me having a mini meltdown. Then jut logged onto ******** and seen one of my friends is also pregnant with her second and has got all her scan pictures up, sat in tears again, I want to be happy for her, but right at the minute I can't, and I just seem to take it personally like how unsympathetic is it for her to put all these pictures up when there are some people that are struggling to concieve (yeah I know I'm in a really unreasonabe mood at the minute) it's not her fault at all. Anyway, I'll give it a couple of days before can genuinelly send my congrats!


----------



## Kerin

Not sure where to start. I've always been the happy, positive, cry on my shoulder type. Never thought I'd have problems with any of this. I opened a money market when I was only 20, for my future children. I've pursued one of the most difficult areas of study, engineering, to be able to support my babies. I was even determined that if I couldn't find the right man that I would get artificially inseminated (completely different meaning to me then). I thought I had it all planned out.

I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with about 6 years ago. I thought things were really falling into place. We got pregnant, after we had talked about if it happened that it would be ok. We lost our twins. Got pregnant twice more trying to fill the void In our hearts, lost both of them.

During this horrible time my mom was the least supportive, the most cruel. She says it all my fault they died, she says it's my finances fault. She could do nothing but be full of hate and anger. The only possible reason I can thi k she would be so cruel is because she doesn't want me to fall I love and get married. She doesn't want me to be happy. I will never understand that. I will never know why I had to lose my mo to save myself. This whole situation would be easier if I had my mom! But all I have is an enemy that wants to hurt me the way it hurts the most. Shes done the same to my brother and sister. She won't get help for herself. I was her crutch for YEARS while she's been Going through some mental disorder but REFUSES to get help. Her house should be condemned its so filthy and disgusting. She won't get a job, plays games all day every day. I had to protect myself and my family when I was with my fiancé. He thought me to love myself, my mo taught me to hate myself. This may not be related but hurts me almost as bad as losing my babies, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I've learned who my true friends are. People that I loved with my heart. I told my "best friend" Im going through menopause. She coldy said "not all people are meant to have kids, (she has two by accident). Then she compares me to her friend that DOESN'T want kids. She says, "at least your not 40 without even a boyfriend". I wanted to yell "no b****, im 27, I've lived my entire life for my future children, I've lost 4 already and now I'm going through menopause, thanks for your slap in the face!!"

We've been engaged nearly a year, in the meantime about 5 of my friends have gotten engaged and married, I was in two of the weddings, while I feel like I will never have the normal wedding and dress and everything a girl dreams of. Ok fine, I can live with that.

Now they're ALL having babies, even the ones that SWORE they could never get pregnant, the ones I cried with and comforted. Where are they now? Playing with their babies.

What pisses me off more that ANYTHING, is when they complain about their miscarriage every dang time I see them. I can understand that but they've got 2 kids!! I've lost 4 and now I'm going through menopause at 27. She FULLY knows what I'm going through. But I ALWAYS have to hear how hard it was for her, and I dare not talk about myself!! She conceived within a month of the miscarriage, had a gorgeous baby, and I STILL hear about her ******* miscarriage. I want to yell at her and tell her to appreciate what she has. A beautiful family, healthy children, a beautiful wedding, EVERY GIRLS DREAM, QUIT RUBBING YOUR GLORY IN MY FACE!!!

then you hear about women that "have no choice but to get an abortion". EEERRRRRRR I feel guilty enough for losing my babies, how does she live with herself for purposely killing hers!! I can never understand that, it makes me sick, and they want pity?! Bull!!! Keep you legs closed, respect yourself and you wouldn't have this problem, it's not the baby's fault! I do feel for rape victims, but it's still not the baby's fault.

Now I dropped out of school. I have literally given up everything in my life I've ever done to havea family. We've cancelled our wedding twice, 9 years at university and over $30K in debt. Yea it will be worth it in the end, I has to be! I've always been a good person, I cherish a guilty conscience so I know to do what's right. And mean, ugly, hateful girls get what they want, through manipulation,and whining..... It's not fair. Why would god give us 4 babies, take the away and tell us there's little hope?? I don't understand what I could have ever done to deserve this. I guess I never will.


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## jenni01

What's the point in even trying?! 
"Stay positive, it will happen when you don't expect it to, I know how you feel, just relax blah blah! 
I'm so sick of this journey, again I'm bleeding, again another kick in the teeth....it's like every time another percentage of me is being chipped away....there's not much of me left..
I'm 40 this year and I feel that time and option's are running out..
Just been in and appologised to DH for bleeding and he was rude and said "Stop appologising".. 
I can't swear and to be honest I'm that angry and upset I could probably make up a few new one's.
Now in April his undeserving niece will be having her baby.....URGGGHHH!!!
WHY?....WHY?......


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## lucy2linda

And here we go again. AF has arrived complete with cramps that make me walk like I'm a cowboy with a broken back. Another 32 days of being a grumpy mare as the clomid turns me wicked, fat & bloated. It's got to the stage where I can't even go out & chat to the neighbours as they're all there with their screaming swearing (I kid you not -  5 yrs old using the f word) kiddie-winkles, the Dh included with his 5 yr old(not swearing I might add), all part of their proud as punch look at my wonderful children club. And there's me, stuffing my face full of meds, trying to hold it all together thinking why them & not me...
And I can't talk to my bm about it as she giggles & says' hadn't had sex for 12 months then got drunk on my b'day & got hevs' & my dh doesn't want to talk about it for fear of upsetting me but tells me how grateful I should be having his daughter living with me 3 days a week. Oh yeah. I'm really grateful having another woman's child running around my house & having her mother phone up like she owns the   place & telling me via him to stop trying to take her place in my own   house.
And been told by the gp if nothing has happened by next month then we've to start ivf. Which ok, may be the next step. However dh has decided he doesn't want to 'cum in a pot' which doesn't leave me many options.
It's ok for him. He has 2 previous kids.


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## Lfey

So we found out yesterday that the brother & sister in law are expecting 2nd child, 1st child is only 9 months old. They cant look after themselves sit getting stoned and drinking all the time, happy to palm 1st child off on her family whenever they can. yes i alreay have a 2 year old daughter but she took me 12 months to conceive and baby no 2 is taking even longer. But how unfair is it that people that dont really give a  , drink, smoke dont work can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and us that do want so badly that can provide a loving stable environment have to try and try and try. Its justy not fair.


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## Charlotte022

This is probably going to sound really selfish & I'm not like that, but I am sick of seeing pregnant women especially those who I know were drinkers & smokers before concieveing & they off load their children to any one who will have them, plus I am sick of not having enough support, it's like no one wants to listen to me or my problems even though I have sat there and listened to theirs, I just wish that people could understand! Any way at least I have the lovely ladies in the chat room to talk to, rant over x


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## beany34

I'm just fed up with this. I want to forget about it and relax, take it easy but that's what we'd done for over 18 months prior to clomid and that's why I think it didn't work! I feel a bit better on clomid knowing it's making me ovulate but I don't know WHEN!! Around day 11 on cycle 1 maybe day 16 on cycle 2 and possibly back to day 12 on this cycle, ov tets are driving me mad, they're not giving any reassurance which means I'm back to temperature taking to see if todays ov test was right or not and we'll be baby dancing everyday which isn't ideal I know but if the test is right we need to be on with it! Just feel like I'm messing it up and not giving it my best shot, I feel useless, why is making a baby so hard?


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## SarahG90

Oooooookay about to rant!

Although reading about some extremely strong brave womens journeys on here really put it in perspective for me I still feel rubbish in myself - I'm sure you can all relate.

I feel like whenever I talk to my man, mother in law, or my friends about ttc they are secretly thinking 'oh god she's not going on about this again is she' - they don't know how it can eat you up inside. The main thing we are put on this earth to do, the most natural thing in the world and I can't do it. Stupid body!!

I feel patronised because of my age, being only 21 like it's not as upsetting for me because I'm young and 'it will probably happen anyway' WHAT IF IT DOESN'T? WHY WOULD MY BODY RANDOMLY DECIDE TO START OVULATING AS I GET OLDER?? If anything my problem will probably get worse as I age!! It's still all I think about.

I have the added pain of many girls my age seeing a pregnancy as something to bring home after a saturday night on the town along with their kebab - or a ticket to a council house. Seems most of my friends only have to walk past their bed and they are pregnant. Why is it that I did well at school, got a good job, a car, a good man and the standard three bed semi before I decided it was time and did everything right and I have to struggle like this? Sometimes I think will I be a bad mother? Is that why I can't have a child? 

I can't believe I've actually said all of this out loud (well, not out loud as such!) a ten ton weight off my shoulders already, I feel bad for moaning when there are many many women out there worse off than me. I have so so much admiration for every woman on this site. So strong and inspirational.

Please don't think badly of me for the above - I think badly enough of myself for saying it! 

Woahhhhhhhhh!! Sorry for that. The Clomid monster (moi) rearing her ugly head!


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## Charlotte022

SarahG90 I'm exactly the same as you, same age, getting married in a few weeks, got a nice house & both got excellent jobs & all I see is jobless single mothers drinking & smoking their way through pregnancies.
I have a genetic condition which means that I can't have children after the age of about 25 unless a pregnancy slows down my condition as the few women who have had alstrom syndrome & become pregnant the ageing of their organs including their ovaries. It doesn't effect my ovaries apart from making them age quicker & giving me PCOS from insulin resistance. I also have an under active thyroid.
Send me a message if you want to talk

Charlotte022 x


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## jenni01

I am at a crossroad's and I just don't know what to do? 
I thought that my DH and I had our plan's clear and that we had talked about our future but now I feel like screaming 
I have recently found out through an operation that I should have had a Lap done before IVF as I had Hydra fluid in my tube that would have and has poisoned my embryo's and as well as that I should never of been on Clomid as my tube was sealed shut and stuck to my ovary.
So I have written a letter to my Dr who prescribed me the Clomid and yesterday I had a pathetic letter from him basically saying that I had requested it blah blah and trying to shift it onto me, so I'm going to get in touch with the GMC.
I also wrote a letter of complaint to NHS Foundation Trust about my IVF and should hear a response back soon.
In an ideal situation I would get my IVF treatment's back, but after the "blame shifting" letter I got yesterday it has scared me 
Like many other's at the moment I am living on a tight budget and can't afford to do IVF right now and may not be able to afford it for a couple of year's which would take me to the age of 42 and my DH would be 39.
But last night when I told him my concern's, well...for one he didn't even want to talk about it and when he did he shouted "alot" and also told me that if he hasn't had a child by the time he's 40 that he just doesn't want to try as he feel's it's wrong to bring a child into the world with older parent's! 
I pointed out that my father was 42 when he had me but he said I can't use him or celeb's as an example as they have money 
He said that he want's to be able to do stuff with his child, I pointed out that people with disabilities have children, which also annoyed me as he work's with people with special need's! 
He also has a niece with Down's Syndrome (she's 24) I feel that I should have mentioned that if he has such a closed minded view then maybe his sister should have terminated......but I didn't cos he would have flipped his lid completely.
I do love him honestly I do BUT after know sleep and tear's non stop and know reassurance from him, I feel resentment toward's him 
I want to keep trying for a baby and if need be I will keep trying on my own.
OH I also pointed out that there's know guarantee that he would meet and have a baby with someone else before his "alotted" time limit and that he would kick himself if he knew I'd gone on and had a baby either alone or with someone more mature in their mindset 
All in all, I think the best thing is for me to see how thing's go, but let's just sayy my eye's are wide open now and I don't like what I see 
It would/will be sad to part but I believe it's the person that make's a good parent, not their age or capabilitie's 
Onward's and upward's    
Jen.x


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## jellybean257

I am sooooo glad I came across this page !!!!

I've been trying to get pregnant for four years now and after numerous cycles of treatment I'm coming to the end of my tether...

After my first cycle of treatment I got a BFP and I thought I was on top of the world. Everything was going great until I miscarried at 14 weeks. I felt like my world had fallen down around my ears. My heart was broken and to top things off my sister in law gave birth a few days before I lost my baby. After a few months I decided to try another cycle and to my pure joy and delight I fell pregnant again only to miscarry at 6 weeks. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I have had several cycles of treatment since with no success. So when I found out that my sister in law was pregnant again after only 7 months I just felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

I'm starting treatment again tomorrow but my hearts just not in it. I read in someone's post that they were sick of people saying ' if you forget about it, it will happen'. Well, if one more person says to me, 'if its meant to be it'll b' I swear I'm gonna scream.

I feel like a fraud of a woman and that I'm letting not only me and my husband down but the whole family. I just want a break as I'm sure u all do !!! 

Have to say its great to be able to come onto this site and vent because I'm sure my friends and family are bored with me now.

So, hopefully when I start this next cycle my outlook will change.

Fingers crossed and baby dust to you all xxxx


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## ange7327

Oh how glad i am to have found this thread..................

I am angry at everyone for everything, why does everyone have an easy life except me? ok coming here makes me realise that isnt true but it is how it feels in "real" life........

My smug faced sil is pg, due the after i should have been, was advised to come off meds first but oh no couldnt wait, as she had a little scare she now thinks she knows "just how i feel" come on get a grip im on mc no5............you had a little scare.............at the min i hate you............mil only wants to talk about 1st grandchild, my mc doesnt matter cos at least her daughter is normal.........GGGGGRRRRRRR

my 24yr old friend always has a pg scare when she gets a new bf only this time its real.............up to her neck in debt, cant boil an egg, addicted to drugs and alchol and yet normal pregnancy..........

what is wrong with me? why arent i normal?

come on mother nature give us all a break.......

rant over..........

ange xxx


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## spudlin

I too am feeling the need to have a rant.

Not sure who at, or rather who is first.

Lets start with all the scummy parents I deal with on a daily basis, whom I wouldn't allow to look after my pets let alone a child, yet they continue to reproduce without any problem whatsoever.

Then there are my sil's, one spat kids out like clockwork, all 3 were perfectly timed and has hardly ever worked since number 1!! Plus her parenting skills leave a lot to be desired!!!
The other is a hateful controller who has my brothers life mapped out for him, married earlier this year, fabulous holiday, then to start on the family. Bet she's pregnant before me, I can feel my blood boiling already!!!

Then there is my OH, who although he is the bestest hubby anyone could ask for, he is so laid back and I know if I told him how I was feeling he would fully support me, but I don't want to feel weak and whingy. I am currently trying to manipulate the bedroom action, without putting the pressure on, so it doesn't affect his performance lol. This is really hard to do  

Finally and most annoying is the hospital. My 1st experience resulted in a major complaint as I was more or less sent packing with no treatment as I was deemed too fat!! Fair enough my bmi was borderline 40, however I work with women much heavier than me who had been given clomid no bother, different trust though.  
2nd experience, almost 4 months later (time flying by and to be fair, it isn't in my favour at 39!!!) I saw who I was led to believe was the top man (result of my complaint I guess) who was very pleasant, yet I still feel like I've received a second rate service. 3 cycles clomid 100, no monitoring at all, and appointment given for 3 months time unless you're pregnant 1st that is!!!. Then it's IVF as that's your only option at your age, oh and you have to pay cos, despite shedding over 10 KG in 3 1/2 months, you are still too fat and oh ye... too old!!!
No mention of what may actually be wrong with me, do I ovulate? have I got pcos? are my tubes open? 
No mention of the option of iui maybe. Do they think we don't look things up, talk to people, share experiences to find out how other people are looked after by the NHS. Oh ye forgot to say, I have worked my entire adult life for the NHS as a nurse, then a Health Visitor. What do you get in return Sweet FA!! Lovely eh? Any other organisation may actually operate some kind of loyalty to its employees, not them!! 

Wow, I actually do feel a little better after that.

Thank you Fertility Friends for providing us with a sounding board and friends  

           
To all XX


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## ginsy

Time for a rant! After waiting all year to get the go ahead to TTC, at one point I was told I may not be able to ever due to risk to my own health, finally after changing doctors and spending £££ on consultations I get told I can go ahead only to find out  my hormones aren't working properly. I just want my fertility  back as I feel like I have lost it, after all I conceived no problem two years ago, so it was all working then - why so different now? I put on a lot of weight in my previous pregnancy, which I could not lose afterwards, now I learn this could be affecting my hormones so I am trying to get my BMI down to 25 but it is so hard, I lost a stone before xmas and was halfway there, but now put on 6lbs in 2 weeks over xmas, so feel like its two steps forward one step back. There is no guarantee it will regulate my hormones if I lose the weight but I will not forgive myself if I could do something to fix all this but failed because of my own inaction.
I'm angry not just for my own predicament but that of all the thousands of ladies on here, some who've been trying a long long time, to do the most natural thing of all  -have babies! Why does something so natural need to be so hard? And all the while we are trying there are nearly 200,000 abortions each year in the UK. Whilst I am not anti abortion, I think it is wrong for a baby to be born to parents that do not want it, how ironic is this when there are so many ladies out there praying for the chance to carry a child.
I'm on the clomid now, and think my doctor will increase the dosage as the last month I got a low progesterone. I wanted to be decreasing the dosage as I lost weight! I'm not sure that clomid will be the right thing for me, as I'm getting mid cycle bleeding, as much as a period, so feel like it's really messing around with my cycles. What if it is doing more harm than good?
Coming to the conculsion now that I cannot control whether or not I have another baby, it's in the hands of fate, maybe I used up all my good luck on baby number one.


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## Hopeful..

Just when I think this whole thing can't possibly get Ny harder, my best friend Announces at a party that she is pregnant. I thought I had got to grips with the negative feelings this whole process has bought but I just feel now that it has only just begun. I just don't know how I can watch her go through this pregnancy. No body has any idea that we r going through treatment so it's notlike I can explain any of it to her. I feel like such a lousy friend because I had to leave the party And my OH had to lie for me and sAy I felt unwell. But I just couldn't sit there and listen to every talking about it and discussing how she would need to get a new car cus hers wasn't suitable for a baby. 
Last month I really struggled but this month seemed to be going a lot easier, I felt like I was handling it, it wasn't taking over like the past few months, I don't no if this was because I had got the norovirus whilst taking clomid so in my mind it hasmt worked, but now I feel like I'm spiralling. 
I feelso guilty, I was hoping she had got it wrong and wasn't pregnant but then she just kept going on about seeing her midwife and when it's due and when her first scan is. My OH was sat next to me and just kept mouthing to me to smile, but how do you sit there and smile when your heart is breaking inside and you feel even more of a let down than before, because you can't give yourself or your partner the one thing you prey for more than anything in the world. And then add to that, that knowing how much our hurting and yet your partner is hurting too, because of something you can't do. 
He had his tests and he is fine so it's all down to me, it's all my fault, it's so hard to know that he could go out there and meet a normal person and have a baby straight away and yet he is stuck with me and I'm putting him throu this. 
Right, I think iv gone off enough, and gone off track, I'm hoping that somewhere along the line this rant will Help me feel better


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## spudlin

Tiny, don't worry you are never alone on here and it is always good to let off steam.

My brother and his hideous wife announced the other day that they are trying and like you we haven't announced our problems to anyone. My OH is also fine and stays nice and chilled whilst I'm in bits  

I will be worse if they announce they are pregnant, especially as I can't stand her!!! She will be as smug as!!!


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## Hopeful..

Thanks. Sometimes it's nice to know your not alone, but at the same time wouldn't wish anybody to feel how this makes you feel on a daily basis. 
All I dreamt about last night was my friend holding her baby and I'm still nowhere closer. Just wish there was a way to get away from the mind torture, of ripping yourself to shreds for feeling like such a let down. 

I just always feel like you hear that someone is pregnant, and it's always the person who doesn't deserve it. Who smokes drinks and does drugs and yet there are ppl who do everything by the book and they have to go through this. Where is the fairness in that


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## spudlin

Sadly Tiny there isn't any fairness  

I'm a Health Visitor so deal with babies and children on a daily basis, some of whom have very undeserving parents, which gets me down  

I have to remain very professional in work, however I do offload to myself when I am out of work.


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## barbster

Feels like someone is having a real laugh at my expense.

Ok, so some of this is not related to IF but i will write it down anyway as it is a non responsive area.

I don't believe in "God" but someone seems to be having it in for me.

So this is my thoughts.

"They" looked down on me 3 years ago and thought "hey, what about her, we haven't done too much for her, think it's about time. She hasn't had the happiest childhood but she has muddled along, has a good job and made a happy life for herself, its about time we   her over. 

She hasn't experienced death yet as she is an only child and has no grandparents, aunts or uncles etc etc, so lets make her go through the loss of her father, see how she copes with that. Oh, not very well, but never mind, lets add in the death of her best friends husband, he's only young but never mind, see how she copes with that and anyway, he isn't really her friend, he is her friend's husband. Oh, but he does mean alot to her, he is like the brother she never had and they were very close, this could be interesting to see how she copes. Oh, not well again, maybe it was too much for her coping with that and trying to support her friend and children as well as no one else would at the time. 
Still, she did it, the friendship did not survive the fallout and she no longer sees the children that she cared so much about but she could probably cope with some more. Lets make it that she cannot have her own  children naturally and needs IVF but lets make it that little bit harder for her and make her not legible for NHS treatment, lets make her pay for it.

"They" then decided that maybe we should give her a bit of a break and be a bit nice, so lets make her pregnant. But wait, we are supposed to be seeing how far we can push her, lets make it that she thinks she is still pregnant but actually has a missed miscarriage at her 12 week scan, that will really show her. 

Oh dear, she hasn't coped very well with the miscarriage very well, still, life goes on. Lets announce the pregnancy of a work colleague, they would be due at the same time so at least she can watch her getting bigger and imagine how it would have been for her. Oh dear, she is finding it a bit hard isn't she, never mind, she is leaving very soon.

A few weeks down the line, wow, she seems to be more positive now and somehow happier.We can't have that. I know what we can do. Lets anounce that another work colleague is having a baby and that another is trying and no doubt will be up the   duff any time soon. Oh dear, she seems to have gone a little bit    I can't understand why.

Do I sound  ? , yes I guess I am. Do I sound bitter and twisted? well, yes, I guess that I am that too. Will I get through it? Well, I imagine that I will in the end.


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## MrsRogers

I have been a lurker for sometime but feel like enough is enough ... I want o break the silence

Been TTC foe 2yrs Psco diagnosed.... No treatment received as BMI to high  . Really struggling and feel there is no light at end of tunnel.

Bf rang and said is pregnant however been with boyfriend 10 weeks so thinking of terminating  .    Feel gutted that she got pg not trying not knowing how hard it is and could miss her one chance.  Flip side feel funny that I'm going o struggle watching her be preg & have a baby if she keeps it. 

Sis in law has 7 yr old, 1yr old and just announces having another.  

We haven't told anyone re problems as very private.... But feel so gutted and sad and that it may actual never happen.

We have further fert appt 5th April and I'm dreading it already in the event they do nothing as Bmi still to high


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## spudlin

Hey Mrs, sorry you are having a tough time at the min, I know about the upset relating to BMI. 

Have you thought about any alternative therapies? I have just started acupuncture and got my first period in like forever. My colleague at work, who is a GP suggested acu and reflexology, said worked for her   and that is coming from a GP


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## danielle1370

Well after my 3rd mc last week, myself and dh have been and had a night on the tiles this weekend.... Had a great night but then felt worse afterwards, guilty for drinking too much, guilty for forgetting my sadness about the mc for more than 2 mins. Funny we used to love a night out until all this TTC malarkey, now it's every breath I breathe. How come something that's meant to be so happy and joyous has turned into nothing more than a painful nightmare. Having a bad day today as im going to see our consultant later to ask about more testing for recurrent mc, hate having my life in someone else's hands!  X


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## spudlin

Ggrrr,

Just found out sister in law is preggers again!!!!

OH just dropped it into the conversation last night, think he was hoping I hadn't heard him properly  

At least it isn't the full on grotbag sister inlaw, just the partial grotbag that thankfully lives miles away and we never see her anyway so at least I won't have to watch her grow  

I know I sound very harsh and uncaring, but guess what.... I don't give a hoot!!

Rant over,

Thank you all XX


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## Littlemissv

Just great.... Yet another pregnancy announced on ******** with another scan picture and comment after comment of congratulations...

We only went to their wedding in April....

So so so fed up of it... That's 2 pregnancies announced in 4 days...and I just know this one is gonna be rammed in my face all the time..

Is it wrong to want to block their posts from appearing on my wall?

I feel like such a nasty woman as I should be happy for them but I just can't.
I'm bitter, I'm angry and I'm sick of seeing everyone else getting the one thing I crave...

In a foul mood so gonna go bed and shut the world out for a bit

Rant over
X


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## ToniBruce

So. My husband has gone to London today, to see the stone roses. we decided that I would drive down and pick him and his friends up as a hotel in London is far to expensive, and we have a family BBQ to go to tomorrow afternoon.

Im on my 2nd course of Clomid, and had a follicle tracking scan today, on CD11. Nothing at all.
For some reason I have taken it paticularly badly, and have cried, lots! Spoke to hubby at 1030, and bawled down the phone to him.

Took myself to look at garden furniture this afternoon, to take my mind off it, and got a call from my brother in law (who is in London with my Hubby), to say he had a call from my nephews school, my nephew had fallen off the monkey bars and cut his head open, ambulance on its way! My sister at this time is on her driving test. My Dad and I promptly leave Asda, and rush to the hospital to meet the ambulance to meet a heartbroken, covered in blood, bandaged up 8 year old nephew. I wait for my sister to arrive, and then sit with her through the agonising scene of seeing the doctor stitching my nephews head up. Heartbreaking.

So. I get home, nephews and neice tagging along for a sleepover. I settle them down, waiting to find out what time I have to leave.
An hour ago I start getting texts from Hubby, saying how he has lost his friend, and my brother in law, and that his phone is just about to die, and not to leave home until he hears from me!! So now I am sitting, stressing about him and the other two. Will they find one another (all their phones are off), will they contact me? Will I get a call at 2am, saying leave now?

I fully expected him to get drunk today, but why does he have to take it this far?!! After the stressful day he knows I have had, why would he not take it easy, just to do me a favour? 
How on earth am I supposed to wand to bd with this man when he infuriates me so flipping much?? he's 35 years old for goodness sake!!!

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## spudlin

I've come to the conclusion that men just don't see things the way we do sometimes.

I've stopped getting mad with mine cos it just stresses me out more. I focus on the positive that him being quite chilled about all this does kind of keep me a little more sane I suppose


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## mandymoo12

Me and my DH are currently going through a custody battle for his 3 children.. For so many reasons it looks like we are probably going to win as we have had 1 child for 2 and a half years already, and the other two have been living with us since January. It has been so stressful mainly because the ex wife is a nightmare and has written some terrible lies about me in her statements.
She has even been using the fact that I am struggling to fall pregnant as the reason that I want her kids. It's so upsetting and nothing is farther from the truth. Quite the opposite. They are all teenagers or practically teenagers. She has even told the parents at the school about this to make me look like the bad one..

I love the children to pieces and they have all chosen to live with us. I would be more than happy for them to live at least half the week with their mum. It's hard work looking after 3 children with a full time job.

Grrr..


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## spudlin

Well, I have offically had enough. I am sick of being the only one interested in ttc. Oh is useless and just not fulfilling his part so I refuse to lower myself to beg for sex!! Why does he just not get how hard this is for me too. I don't like having to be so prescriptive, but I don't like being the one with fertility issues either. He is fine and can go off and have children with someone else. 

Just had to offload as I'm lyinng next to him thinking I just want to leave!!


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## ToniBruce

I feel your pain! The conversation in this house just went like this.......

Me: Fancy an early night tonight babes?
Him: Yeah if you will feed the animals!

What?? So he has to give me a job to do, because his job is to have an early night with his wife??!!!!


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## jenni01

Here we go!
Where I work I think "everyone's" pregnant!! 
Some are even off to have there second "OH but it was unplanned"....makes me want to scream!! 
I don't want to some like a jealous bxxch...but let's be honest I am! 
I've just had a week off and it's been great!!! but am going back today so no doubt all belly's will be bigger and face's blooming!
My "so called" Clock is ticking now but how can I get the money together for IVF?
Yes I know I'm a fighter blah blah!! but come on give me a break!! 
My partner had an accident at work over a year ago, I know he need's time to get better but please....if it's as important to him as he say's then wouldn't he try a little harder! 

Oh well another day another fake smile!!


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## Elm89

I'm Angry for feeling Angry! Stupid or what! How do i  make me Happy when i dont know what makes me sad.. Confussed!!


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## Ahoward1989

Hi everyone,

Had 2 cycles of clomid 50mg days2-6 and today have had some pink discharge (sorry for the details) and some stringy red blood (little amount) so gather my AF is on it's way  so I'll be starting my 3rd cycle of clomid in couple days!! 
1st month of clomid my D9 scan showed 3 follicles under 10mm in size then my scan on d15 showed 1 follicle 17mm. My d21 bloods showed my progesterone levels were 41 so did ovulate but no pregnancy!! 
2nd month of clomid d2-6 50mg d9 scan showed 1 follicle 13mm so bigger than previous month but only 1!! OPKs were very random this month with positive results on d14, d17,d20 and d21 so confused as to when I ovulated. Gynae didn't give me scans this month or bloods and won't next month!! 

Jut really heartbroken and only have one friend who is more like a sister to me that I can talk to buy I know it Souds weird but she has 2 kids and my cousin who I always spoke to is pregnant an doesn't support me as she turns the conversation onto her baby and pregnancy which is understandable but still upsetting!! 

My partner is lovely, but he says not to stress and if it doesn't happen he won't leave me he loves me more than anything but it still doesn't help!! And my sister In law was in same position and ha seen trying for years to have a baby and has just found out a week ago she is couple weeks pregnant and I'm happy for her but still makes me feel why can it not happen to me aswell!! 

I don't know anyone who is going through this clomid experience or IUI (which will be my next step) just feel so alone and helpless!!

Please please please anyone help??


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## mizz_ZA

infertility is taking its toll...every day. just a little bit more. some days more than others. 
its hard. so hard. to think about anything else. to feel for anything else. 
to live in hope every month. 
soul destroying. 

there are people out there that never have to walk this walk. i wish i was one of them. 
i'm grateful for what I have. but I dont have a child. i'd give up everything to have that. 

i wish the tears would stop. i wish the pain would stop.
i wish...


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## Zombie

*I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH!
*
Enough of the pregnancy announcements

Enough of the "ooh, isn't it wonderful that blahface is pregnant?"

Enough of the "when are you going to give me a grandchild?" from OH's step mother

Enough of peeing on a stick to tell me that I'm about to pop out an egg

Enough of having to DTD on demand because the stick told me we should, especially when I'm not in the mood

Enough of everyone, everywhere having babies

Enough of those having babies who are younger than me, or have been trying less time, or have already got kids

Enough of the "when are you going to have kids?"

Enough of having to paste on a smile when I'm dying inside

Enough of feeling guilty because I can't find it in me anymore to pretend to be happy that 
someone has had a surprise pregnancy or their second/third/fourth

Enough of never knowing if I'll ever conceive or carry my own baby

Enough of not knowing if I can concieve

Enough of hiding the fact that OH has rubbish sperm because his masculinity would be dented 
- meaning that on the outside, it's all me and my cystic ovaries

Enough of feeling completely inadequate as a woman

Enough of hoping

Enough of seeing people on a regular basis who don't want their kids, don't look after them, 
don't seem to care about them

Enough of someone who knows someone who got pregnant the very moment they were referred for IVF

Enough of "If you relax and stop thinking about it, it'll happen" - I mean really? Do you really think that you can make things happen by thinking or not thinking something?

Enough of "Ooh, you'd make a lovely mum" - yeah, I know, shame that my body doesn't seem to agree

Enough of people choosing the names that I've had picked out in my head for years for their own kids

Enough of periods

Enough of period pants

Enough of sore boobs for no reason

Enough of PMT symptoms being like pregnancy symptoms

Enough of having sore lady parts from DTD so much in the run up to ovulation

Enough of Clomid side effects - bloating and being fat, night sweats, hot flashes, abdominal pain, spotting mid cycle, light periods and turning into *****zilla the moment my ovary spits out an egg

Enough of thinking that maybe I should just stop. Just give up. Just start the adoption process and make my family another way

Enough of being messed around by doctors, not being given information, delayed referrals

Enough of feeling like a totally selfish turd face

Enough of feeling like there is no hope

Enough of wanting something so damn much that it's turning me into a monster

Enough of waiting.... Endless waiting... Waiting 6 months because the GP thought that 2 years wasn't long enough... Waiting every month for period... Waiting to take Clomid... Waiting to see if Clomid worked... Waiting for consultant appointments... Waiting lists... Waiting for the pain of knowing that it's not this month...Waiting for the next lucky cow to happily announce their pregnancy... Waiting for a moment when it's appropriate to cry and scream and tantrum over the unfairness of it all instead of yelling there and then.

ENOUGH.


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## aRainbow

I am sick to death of watching grand blo0dy designs when the guy goes back to visit the couple in their lovely home when they are all settled in..... and the woman is about to drop or they  have a baby!!!!!! Why can't I have a baby on demand like every other sod out there?!!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!


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## Mozzy

I should be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow and it's breaking me in to pieces that I'm not.       Instead of enjoying my pregnancy I'm off for a scan at the specialist to see if I'm going to ovulate on my second cycle of clomid which I'm not sure has worked this month due to my Thyroid.   

Devastated is an understatement.... 

I'm Fed up of feeling down it's not like me! I'm fed up of plastering a fake smile on my face and carrying on like normal when I'm crying inside, friends that say it's ok it will happen when it happens yeah easy for them to say they got pregnant on there first month of trying.

I'm fed up of seeing people posting things on ******** look how happy we are one big happy family! Well I would be too if my Baby Bean would have stayed and not have been sent to heaven. Fed up of the pregnancy posts like yeah it was a surprise we didn't plan it or it just happened! Why can't it happen for me? 

I'm fed up with pregnancy announcements full stop. I'm Fed up of seeing pregnant women everywhere and I mean everywhere even on TV and YouTube adverts! 

Fed up of not been able to tell everyone I lost a baby and I can't seem to be able to conceive again that's what's wrong with me!!!! That's why I'm not really in the mood to drink ect!!!! 

Fed up with been some kind of jealous freak!! And an over emotional cow!  

Sick of the hormones, sick of feeling sick! Sick of seeing families who mistreat there children and me thinking why was mine taken from me. And please can I have another chance to be a mum.

Fed up of family telling me to relax!! 

Sick of wondering each month is that AF or have we done it, is this our lucky month raising a little hope only for it to be smashed in 3 mins by just peeing on a stick!! 

Fed up of people saying when are you going to have a family you've been together years now you two would be lovely parents, yes I think so too but my body doesn't! Or you get that line when are you two going to try for a family.... I'm trying I really am!! Honestly I am!!! 

I'm sick of feeling useless I just can't seem to do what other people can do so easily.

I'm sick of praying nobody else chooses my names which I've planned for my child. 

Fed up of feeling rubbish, hot then cold not sleeping I've had enough.

Friends that just don't understand so i push them away as it's easier than explaining to them what's really going on. The friends i do try to explain things to not getting it and making me feel even worse.

Hating myself for thinking that adoption would be easier.

Thinking I'm going mad if I cuddle or sleep with Beans teddy. 

All I have ever wanted is to be a mum and I know I will always will be to one beautiful angel but I want to be able to cuddle my little one, kiss them tell them how much I love them see them grow up. Hopefully it will happen one day


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## sophiecooke2009

arrrrrrrgggggghhhh that is all!!


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## GuthrieC

I feel like my life is on stand still. There is just no fun. All my friends with babies are busy being mums and taking their babies to nice places where they can take nice pictures and post them on ******** to make sure every time I look at my phone I have to see how   perfect their lives and their babies and their families are and how there is nothing in the world that they could have to make them   happier and 'how are you hunny, pretend sad face, pretend concern' And the ones that don't have babies because the time just isn't right are travelling and partying and 'there's just so much we want to do before we settle down' and schedule a baby into our lives that will of course arrive just when they're   ready because that's just the type of lives they have and we can't plan holidays, or party because 1) we spent 5   ooo pounds on sperm that they have never had to think about 2) we have to be around for blood tests and scans and inseminations 3) I don't drink anymore and it's annoying not to drink in public, in fact I don't do much anymore just incase it's my fault that this isn't working. That my cup of coffee or bar or chocolate is to blame and that it's my fault even though 'I didn't know I was pregnant for the first few weeks and drank like normally and look nothing bad happened, go on you can have a little one because as my womb has bestowed the perfect child onto the planet I am therefore the master of all things motherhood and fertility' 
And all I want is a glass of wine and a *** and to scream.


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## Lkp83

I'm half way through my first clomid cycle - only 25mg - the doctor said because i'm slim?

I was expecting the side effects to be only while I was taking the pills, but its about 10 days since then and I've had such a teary week and my nervous tension is sky high. Is that normal? Granted i'm having a stressful time of it anyway, dog died, very stressful week at work, trying to do up our new flat which is straight from the 70s. I literally could have cried at any point, barely holding it together.  

Its extra stressful, because you are thinking, I should be relaxed, this stress isn't good. I'm getting piled on all this work and responsibility at work - probably heading for a promotion but I don't want it because I really want to be a full time mum. sounds perverse I know. 

If this cycle doesn't work i'll be increased to a full dose, not sure I can handle anymore symptoms


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