# References from exes



## xclairejanex (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi everyone

While doing some research I've come across something that has chilled me to the bone and wondered if anyone and confirm it for me.

Is it right that the sw will want to contact mine and dh's ex partners?

I don't honestly know where mine is ( and don't care) but the issues will be with my dh's ex.

I have never met such a bitter and twisted person in all my life. She made my dh's life a misery for years after he left. He had to go to court for over four years to get contact with his kids and all she has ever done is fill their minds with evil and poison about their daddy. He was granted regular contact with them now but if she can find any way to throw a spanner in the works of our lives, she does.
I can just imagine what a field day she will have if a sw knocks on her door to ask about her ex husband.

He is the kindest, most loving daddy there is but if she can destry his chances, she will.

Please tell me this doesn't have to happen as at the moment I feel sick about the thought of her sticking her nose in to our lives again.


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Hi ClaireJane,

I have no direct experience of this but I didn't want to read and run.  My understanding is that yes all significant ex-partners have to be interviewed, particularly when children are involved.  This is because an adopted child was abused and I think died at the hands of an adoptive dad and it later came out that if SW's had spoken to his ex-partner then he never would have made it through approval.

SW's do take in to account that Exes are exes for a reason and that they may have unpleasant stories to tell them so I think you will be fine if you are up front and explain the situation to your SW.

Good luck in your journey.

Love Princess Monica x


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi ClaireJane,

We have looked into adoption and are in a very similar situation to you. My Dh's ex is a nightmare. We had to go to Court to get any kind of contact and she took my SD to CAMHs and said that my DH was causing her stress and emotional distress! As a result of Dh's ex and her husband's poisoning, SD has said that she doesn't want to see her dad. Long story but they are constantly obstructive and the only involvement they want from my DH is his money!!

I spoke to one of the SW Managers at Families for Children and he said that many divorces are acrimonious and they have heard it all before. They are well aware that stories and accusations can and will be fabricated.

Good luck xx


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## xclairejanex (Sep 12, 2011)

Thanks guys

After I posted, went away and cried for a while, I then decided to fight back.
My DH still has all the court papers, references and psychiatric assessments ( you wouldn't believe what he had to do to prove he wasn't mentally unstable like she told the court ) and everyone one is glowing and in his favour. Surely if the SW gets copies of all these we shouldn't have anything to worry about.

I'm going to be positive and not look at the glass half empty. We beat her before with the truth and we can do it again.

Thankyou for being there

Claire xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi clairejane,

Yes you are right they will want to contact ex partners but it depends on various things as to whether this will just involve a questionnaire being sent or a visit or phonecall (often in the the case where children are involved with ex's).
I hated the thought of this at first too, myself and DH were both married before (but no children involved so just a questionnaire sent).
Please remember though that SW's all know everyone hates this part of the process and your ex's are ex's for a reason. They will take everything said with a 'pinch of salt' and will just verify important points, they wont be interested in *****y remarks or any nastiness that your ex's may come out with.
They will also most likely see this as a reflection of your DH's ex's failings and not your DH's (if that makes sense). 
SW's have so much experience dealing with people in difficult circumstances/situations that they are very good at reading between the lines.

So many people feel the way you do about this point, but try not to worry, this part will most likely be easier than you imagine   

Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## xclairejanex (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi Anj

Thanks for the reassurance.
It does play on your mind as I know DH's ex would do anything in her power to spoil it for us.
We will be as open with the SW as we can. I am not prepared to let an ex spoil our chances of realising our dreams but I do know the SW will have to go round there with a chair and a whip, lol.

Thanks again for your support.

Claire xx


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## Becky39 (May 17, 2008)

Hello there, 

I felt exactly the same when the sw told me she had to contact my ex. My marriage broke down due to my ex being violent and near on an alcoholic. I explained the situation to her, but as we had 2 children together, she needed to get in touch with him. 
All i can say is ... she did, but i dont know what was said, i didnt ask 9she wudnt have told me anyhow) had just said she has been in touch with him.
They do know that ex partners can be very vindictive and some will try to ruin it for you, so they kow exactly waht to look out for. Keep all the documentation you have from the courts and explain all this to the sw, photocopy them cos she will prob need them for your file. 
Good luck and please try not to worry, stand up and fight for yourselves and dont let that spiteful cow    get the better of you both   

x


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## xclairejanex (Sep 12, 2011)

Thanks Becky

Its hard to believe that there are such evil people on this planet.
It is a part of the process I will be dreading. DH gets on so well with his two kids but ex has such a major influence over them that she tells them what to believe and what to say. It worries me that when SW asks the kids, Ex will have done a number on them as usual ( daddy won't want you anymore, he's trying to replace you, etc....) and I worry about what the kids reply will be.
She will convince them to say that they don't agree with it, I know she will. I can't help but worry that this may swat DH slightly    Can only wait and see what happens.

Still only in the early stages right now but know this part has to come round at some point


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## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Hi clarejane, just another post to reassure you.

I'm another where dps ex is a witch! I could have written your 1st post it all read so similar. We had 4 years in court just to get divorce, she LIED in court! She tried to have DP imprisoned for not producing something in court and worst of all she uses his 2 lovely kids against him and says things like "oh your father doesn't want you"' ( when nothing could be further from truth) in front of them! She is only interested in money and is pure evil. We have contact every other w.e., but if she can disrupt that she will and I've shed so many tears about it it leaves me exhausted. We spend huge amounts of time trying to protect the kids from any fall out as neither of us want them affected, but she doesn't seem to consider their feelings at all.

I think its even harder to understand how a mother can behave like that to her children when we are all so desperate for a child and would never dream of treating our LOs so badly.  
Anyway we mentioned this to sw at 1st visits and as others have explained they have seen it all before! She reminded us that they are not looking to them for a character reference, but they have a duty to check certain things.

Despite my initial concerns I feel reassured about this now, so please don't spend time worrying about it.

Good luck with your journey

M
X


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## xclairejanex (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you Minmouse

We have all the paperwork to prove that DH isn't a 'complete violent, raging psychopath' as she would have liked the court (and the kids!!) to believe. I just hope this doesn't drive a wedge between him and his kids caused by her.

We intend to include the kids with everything and make them part of it. We have waited for them to be a bit older so that we can try to explain why a little better and hopfully they will understand.

I am determined not to let such a shallow minded person take away the chance for some poor unfortunate little one to have a better life  

Just a pity his ex can't just move on with her life. 

Thanks again to everyone for their kind words of support

C  xx


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

i totally sympathise with you on this. 

my husbands ex is a monster. i have never known of anyone to be so twisted and single minded in her hatred. (she tried to get him arrested for kidnapping, accused me of hitting her eldest... and many many more...).

we fought for years with her over allsorts of issues - she would block contact for no reason, tell the girls that their dad wasn't family, got it into her head that i was stealing their clothes and selling them on ebay (not joking) so she refused to send them clean clothes when they stayed with us... it was endless. So nearly three years ago she blocked contact again, changed her phone number and refused all emails/letters to her solicitor. We have rarely seen them since and when we do (dh would still go to parents evenings etc), they ignore him. 

when i spoke to a sw about adoption, i was open about it and told them that he now has no contact at all with his girls. She was quite hesitant about us taking it further (because dh, for many reasons, has decided not to go to court) and said that they would have to interview her and maybe the girls.

i dont want her to know that we havent been able to have children, i don't think its any of her business for a start but i do know that she would make it very difficult, if not impossible.

we have decided to put our application on hold until our tx is finally over but i really can't see us trying for adoption purely because of dh's ex. Not fair or right but nothing can be done.

good luck though for you (sorry for whinging  ) but i think you'll be okay. they'll see through her for what she really is, they probably encounter evil all of the time


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## tigerfeet1 (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi, I am a SW and do these assessments all the time. Yes we do interview significant ex partners especially where children have been involved unless the children are adults and can be interviewed themselves. Try not to worry too much about this..this is a common senario. Be open and honest about your anxities with your social worker and try and share what happened in detail if you can. If this affected your husband before you came along, it is important he talks about this and not you as it was his experience and yes, any paperwork will provide more evidence.  
Hope you get on okay. Good luck.


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi everyone,

tigerfeet - that's good to know thank you.

I have spoken to Plymouth Adoption Unit who said that quite often a questionnaire is sent to the ex partner and they will ask her if she has any concerns about DH being around children. I am sure they must be very familiar with all this and I would have thought there must have to be some evidence of situations like domestic violence as anyone could make an accusation that is unfounded if they wanted to?
They also said the same as tigerfeet, that evidence is good and we have kept copies of all letters/cards etc that have been sent, proof of postages and receipts for gifts plus DH made a court application for contact.

I thinking it's working speaking to a SW about it.

Good luck xx


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