# Weird feelings after using donor sperm :(



## Roxy19

Hello Everyone,

I really really hope someone can help me make sense of my emotions with this, because I have been trying for a year and cannot make sense of how i feel!! 

Me and my husband had to use donor sperm with icsi because of risk of passing on myotonic dystrophy. After 4 attempts at different things we managed to have beautiful twin girls , everything was fine or so I thought................ 

I felt upset about the ivf, I felt like I had missed out on something so special. Night of passion, finding out about pregnancy, no major concerns whilst pregnant etc. But then the feelings about the donor came. I feel like, not only have I missed out on "normal conception"but on ever having a biological child with my husband.I never thought these feelings would come up! Its not helped that my sister has just had a baby, and all I heard people saying was how much she looks like her daddy! Now she does, and they don't know about the donor  but some people do! ( we chose not to tell everyone) but I just feel so inadequate that I had to have ivf in the first place and then a donor. It rips me in half when I hear people saying how much like daddy the baby is, we will never have that because we used a donor! They are not "ours"!!! My husband doesn't care, he adores the girls its me that has the problem. I had 2 babies with a stranger, because the man I married couldn't have children with me? It feels almost unreal to me at the moment!!

I thank god for the girls everyday, and am so grateful. I realise some people are not as lucky with ivf.  But I cant shake off this negative feeling I have. We had no choice to use a donor, but I just feel like I have missed out on so much that a "normal pregnancy" brings. Our children will never be ours, and I will never see him in them! How do I get past this? 

Please help, Its having such a negative impact! I never thought I would feel like this, but these feelings wont go. Anyone else been like this?

Thankyou Xxx


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## smitch

Hi Roxy19, I'm having DE IVF and have gone through a whole heap of emotions. I've felt that I'm not a good wife as I can't give DH children naturally. I've felt that I'm no good as a woman for the same reason. The biggest thing right now is that I won't be genetically related to our kids, and as I'm adopted I've started to feel a bit in limbo with no natural blood relations. I've dealt with each emotion as they come up and make sure that I share them with my husband and a couple of close friends who know about the treatment. Hope this helps you. X


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## VEC

Hi Roxy

I'm sorry you are struggling.  Going through an infertility diagnosis is a huge burden, and then having to move on to ivf, and then to using the help of a donor adds an extra factor.  And everyone reacts differently at different times.  From reading your signature, I suspect you spent years trying to find a way to parenthood, and are only now allowing yourself to grieve over the loss of having a spontaneous pregnancy.

I also suspect you are being harder on yourself than you would be on others.  If you had friends who conceived a baby using a donor, or friends who had adopted a child, would you tell them, or even think that the baby wasn't theirs?  Surely not, because of course their babies are theirs, just as you and your DH together have created babies together.  Yes, you needed the help of a donor, but you haven't "had 2 babies with a stranger".  The donor provided sperm, and then left you and your DH to get on with the job of going through pregnancy and bringing your girls into the world and bringing them up, because you two are the parents.  

As for whether the girls look like their father, well, so much of our characters is formed by mannerisms and my guess is that as the girls get older, their mannerisms will reflect those of their father, because he is the man who is bringing them up and he is the man that they will wish to emulate.  My children, conceived with the help of egg donors, look nothing like me, but I can see that ds1 in particular is adopting many of my mannerisms and quirks.

People adopt all the time.  People have babies with the help of donors all the time.  and the mothers and fathers who do this are practically, legally and morally the parents of the children who are adopted/created.  

I suspect (hope) that you know that that is true, but that you are not "feeling" it in relation to your own circumstance.  As you say, it must be having a hugely negative impact, yes on you, but also on how your DH must feel about your feelings for him, and also in the future on how secure the girls will feel about their parents (and by extension with their father's parents/family).  I don't know whether you are intending to tell your girls about their conception, but I'd advise you to get some help in sorting out your feelings on this matter before you go anywhere near telling them, so that you ensure that you pass on a positive message to them.  

Did you have treatment in the UK?  Presumably your clinic has a counsellor you could talk to?  Alternatively, you could give the Donor Conception Network a call and see if they have someone you could chat to about how you feel.  Even just reading one of their books designed for telling children about their conception might help you start to put things into perspective.  

I hope that your families (yours and DH's) are helping you with this, and that they see your girls as being "YOURS".  Because they are, truly.  

Good luck

Martha x


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## VEC

Smitch    - we've all been through those feelings of inadequacy.  BUT it takes two to tango, there is no guarantee your DH would have success if he were to try with another woman, and he is lucky that he found a woman determined to do all that is necessary to create a family with him.  That makes you an incredibly strong woman, and is probably what attracted your DH to you in the first place. xx


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## Roxy19

Hello everyone,

Thankyou all for your replies. And Thankyou all for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Sorry this is a short reply. Struggling on my phone, as my laptop broke!! I had treatment in the uk so yes there was a councillor involved, but I will try the donor network as suggested. 

There are only 5 people who know about the donor, not his family! I was scared they would be treated differently. So that is hard, you have to be careful not to slip up!! 

Thankyou again for all the helpful replies, hopefully when I get my laptop on again I will have more to read!!! 
Xxxxx


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## saltypopcorn

Hello Roxy, sorry that you're struggling with your feelings - I just wanted to add my thoughts in case it helps. I have a 10 month old son conceived with ds, my DH has NOA so we also had no option other than to use ds.

We've had a lot of people say things like "doesn't he look like his daddy" and whenever that happens it just makes me think we got a good match with the donor then! It is entirely possible that our son may look like DH as we chose our donor based on DH's eye and hair colouring, build, height etc. 

I hope you can come to terms with your feelings soon and start to feel less negative about your situation, I think maybe we naively think that once we manage to have our much-longed for family our infertility journey will be behind us but in reality I guess for parents of donor conceived children there will always be an obvious reminder. 

Hope at least some of my wafflings have been helpful!


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## Roxy19

Hi Waby73,

Thankyou for your reply! Yes it did help, I did think that the journey would be over once we had our family but obviously not! 

I will try to think more positively about the donor, I do get comments about how much the girls look like their daddy (they do its weird). Its brill, but deep down inside I know it will never be true! I am glad you get positive comments too! I just need to shake off the negativity. 

Thankyou again, sorry for late reply! Had alsorts to deal with. 
Xxx


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## sarahsuperdork

Hi Roxy, sorry you are struggling.  My situation is quite different in that I need donor sperm because I have a wife, not a husband, but I think I can relate. I found it difficult in the beginning, knowing it was impossible to have a genetic child with my partner, and the thinking we will be bringing up another man's child. It isn't always easy taking a donor route, I hope you've felt supported on your treatment plan (counselling etc).


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## Itsmekatielou

I'm exactly the same as sarahsuperdork, I have a wife too, but to be honest, even though I know it's not biologically possible, I keep telling myself that any babies we have will be both biologically ours. I know it sounds weird, but it's just the way I think. The donor doesn't enter my head really, I mean I know it would be impossible without him and we are grateful, but in our little world it's just nicer to pretend otherwise.  I know that probably won't help you.  Although it's a similar situation we're in, it's actually very different.  I really hope you can come through it with positivity xx


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## Roxy19

Hi, Sarahsuperdork and Itsmekatielou! 

Although our situations are different I really appreciate your kind words. We did have counselling but it was mainly focusing on telling the child the truth. 

The more I have thought about it the more I think it's linked to my feelings over my husbands family. His sister and her boys have always been number 1. You only need to go to his mums house and it's a shrine to them all. This annoys me as I don't feel like me and the twins fit into their "perfect" family. And because I know biologically they are not related I feel worse . It makes no sense as they don't know about the donor. I already didn't feel perfect, then needed Ivf and then a donor. I feel so inadequate compared to his sister and her perfect boys. 

I wish you lots of luck in your journeys. And sorry for rambling on! 
Xxx


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## Itsmekatielou

Don't be silly! You're bound to feel like that especially if all the other children in the family are treated like gold.  Part of you is probably feeling guilty for having this 'secret'.  I know it's easy to say, but you shouldn't have to compare your little family to anyone else's.  at the end of the day, it's your husband and children that matter the most.  Yes, it's nice to feel like you belong 100% to your extended family, but if you don't already feel like you do then it's not up to you to continue trying.  I've learned that from my own experience. DW family has no idea were trying for a baby and I'd like nothing more than for them to accept our hild like its biologically theirs, but I can't see that happening, so I've decided that our little family is all that matters.  I think I've gone off on one! Sorry I've rambled! I guess what I'm trying to say is, you shouldn't feel guilty about using a donor in any way t all.


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## sarahsuperdork

I definitely agree that it's your little family that matters! Most of DW's family don't know we're in this process either; it was so less stressful to concentrate on ourselves than worry about what other people though! DW's sister actually told us she'd gift our child a top with 'who's the daddy' on it. Better off without them!


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## VEC

Good lord!  A "who's the daddy" t-shirt?!?!?!?!??  That is just so unfunny and unkind.  

x


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## Roxy19

Thankyou all again! Hopefully I will come to terms with how I feel! And yes keeping the secret of the donor is hard work! 

And as for that tshirt, that is awful!!!  you need to think of a t shirt to get ur child being sarci towards that one! Lol. 
Xxxx


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## Ivfmamma

Roxy - it just makes your girls that extra bit more special, I can't offer any advice but just wanted to send you a hug x


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## Roxy19

Ivfmamma, Thankyou!  Xxx


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## jules40:)x

Roxy, sorry to butt in but do you think it possible that you may be suffering from postnatal depression? I know it might sound weird but it doesn't always happen straight after the birth and the added exhaustion of twins may have masked other symptoms xx


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## UK-Canuck

Hi Roxy

I do hope you're doing better now and not sure I can help much, as I'm not there yet,  it recently matched for DE, so hopefully we'll have a LO by the end of the year 

But I've been thinking about the "shrine" at your MIL house & was wondering if it's a bit like ours ... my mum prints off and sends us loads of photos of my brothers kiddies (they all live in Canada)  so there are always lots around our house. Whereas in laws don't do this and I do catch them looking at all my family's ones probably wondering where the photos of them are.  It's not that I prefer "my" niece & nephew to "DH's" 2 nieces (well maybe I do)  but it's that I'm lazy about getting photos printed & so the only ones that get put up are the ones I'm sent!  Although it is rather the same at MIL's house - there are lots of the granddaughters everywhere, so when we're blessed with a LO, guess I'm going to have to turn into my mum, printing & sending lots of our photos!!

Perhaps you could fill "Grandma's" house with photos of your beautiful girls - give her photos at every opportunity - you must have lots of the girls first Christmas, so you can get cracking 

Lots of luck for an easier 2014
Canuck xx


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## XClaire1

Hi roxy Thank you for sharing your story this really helped me alot as me & partner are going down the donnor route aswell   we got the awful news confimed a few weeks ago and have agreed to go ahead with donnors my partner is all for it and if this is the only way we can have a child then hes more than happy which i am too but i find myself thinking the same as you   its so hard and cruel life cant always go our way but i hope you Come to terms with your decision your a strong woman and i totally respect you as i now know im not the only one thinking like this  
Lots of love sent your way good luck xx


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## Hope2005

Hi 


I also had to use sperm donor and like you I ask myself these question at times but then I see my children and see how beautiful they are I am forever grateful to my donor. Of course it will have been nice to have children with my husband but that was not possible. I also don't see my donor as a stranger but a wonderful human being who gave us wonderful gifts. 


I will change the whole attitude and start being honest with his family about using donor...I think children should know where they came from and they will respect you for that. We told everyone about our donor and I am happy with the results. I don't see the point in starting hiding about the reality, it will complicate things. There is a page on ******** about people using donor sperm/eggs. 


Children should feel loved and wanted. Your husband loves them by the sound of them  you are blessed with two beautiful babies.. Enjoy them. 


Take care 


Hope


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