# just need to write this down somewhere



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

I'm very very lucky to have a beautiful son who is nearly 1 year old, we have severe MF so understand our LO will be an only child. Am still trying to accept this in my heart, but my head knows it iykwim.


My AF is not due for another week but I am nauseous, have heartburn and period-type pain. Have been like this for a few days. These are exactly the same early symptoms I had with my ICSI bfp. We have been DTD without any contraception as there was no point, having been told we would not be able to conceive without medical intervention. (Took us 5 years TTC our LO).


Am I hoping against hope? I feel like I need to have a word with myself and accept a natural bfp is impossible. Yet there are the symptoms... it's too early to test so I feel like I'm in limbo. The irrational (and hopeful) part of me keeps thinking that dp's stress levels (work related) have plummeted in recent months and he's more relaxed than he's been in years so that might have improved his sperm. The rational part of me sees we can't afford another baby at the moment, we would have to move 100 miles to be closer to family so I could work with 2 children (I'm currently the main breadwinner) and anyway I already have a perfect baby - how could I take time away from him to give to another child?


Just got emotions whizzing round and needed to write it all down. No-one understands like you ladies on here do. Feel like I am being foolish just thinking we might possibly be pg    need to snap out of it


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Hi kandykane,


Hmmmm bit of a quandary really    Only thing you can do is wait and see unfortunately. There's always a first response test you can do before AF is due. I can totally understand where you are coming from with this. We are unexplained so in theory nothing wrong but are still ttc number 2 almost 4 years on. I know deep down it'll never happen (me far too old now) but some months I think I may have symptoms and every so often AF is late enough for me to think just maybe.....  


Anyway, try not to drive yourself mad thinking too much about it and hold on until next week until you can POAS. Will keep everything crossed for you    (there are plenty of FFs who have been in the same situation and ended up with 2    )


Maz x


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

hi maz,

thanks for replying. that's the thing, i know deep down it will never happen but then i think just maybe...


i know it's just a case of sitting and waiting, but needed to get my feelings out. the weird thing is i'm already feeling horribly guilty about possibly not being able to devote all my attention to ds. so split between wanting another and on the other hand not wanting to spend one second less with my sweet precious boy who i've waited so long for! 


i suppose a lot of my mixed feelings are because i have worked hard to convince myself i only want one   


never thought i'd be poas again... will update in a week   


kandy x


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

I never post here but do read and just wanted to give u a hug and say I get what u mean

I have no tubes so a natural bfp is impossible and we won't have tx again but whenever I'm late I wonder and have done hpt in the past before our success

Even my consultant once told me to test and said she's seen alsorts happen!!!


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

well    has arrived. together with horrendous period pain, just to remind me every second of the day that i'm not pregnant. feel foolish for thinking what might have been...    silly me.


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Big big hugs hun    I can empathise, been there too. One of the fallacies of successful IVF treatment is that it suddenly makes everything ok and infertility no longer matters. The reality is that it still sucks    it still hurts and can still reduce you to tears.


Take care and look after yourself   
Maz x


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

Hey Kandykane, sorry that it didn't work out this month  I raise a fist to Auntie Flo and her false symptoms. I think it speaks to our eternal optimism and hope that we still look for the sun behind the clouds, and as any of us with babas know, sometimes these miracles do happen     so who is to say what might happen one of these random months, as the bold Willie Shakespear said 'there are stranger things in heaven and earth Horatio than we can understand' or something like that. 

Keep believing (and take comfort in knowing that there are a load of us eternal optimists - I hate when day 28 turns into day 29, that little bit of hope gets awfully excited no matter how many years I'm at this lark!)


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