# How is it fair?! :(



## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

How is it fair that couples who haven't been together very long get pregnant so fast? And people who smoke and drink get pregnant easy? And I've been told since day dot that I need to loose weight but all the time I see people sooo much bigger than me with babies and toddlers and don't even get me started on foreigners. Nothing against them but they always seem to be pregnant. There always seems to be announcements of pregnancys on ******** all the time and yes I know I could just not go on it but I use it to keep in touch with friends & family I don't see often and entering competitions.

We have everything to offer a precious child and yet 3 years on we're still stuck. I just feel like it's never going to happen and I'm so angry. Anyone else feel like this? It's meant to be the most natural thing you can do and I just don't feel like a woman anymore, just a failure    

Sorry for the rant, needed to get it out my system. 

Carls xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi Carls

I have said this on another thread recently but I deal with the pregnancy announcements by thinking thank god there's another lady not feeling the heart break of infertility, and that can only be a positive to me

L x


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## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Carls
Have felt a lot like you for years. It is not fair, however subfertility is not the only thing in life that is not fair. I allowed myself to be angry but only for a certain time each day. I strongly believe in using that negative energy towards other things - a hobby, exercise- anything.

My particular favourite for anger _(not just at other ppl & babies) has been boxing. It is a great relief to punch and punch and has the benefit of getting you very fit. Do you have a local gym? Check out there for a bodycombat class. Exercise in general is good for this sort of negative energy as it releases serotonin which gives your brain a positive boost.

If not your thing- mindfulness is a useful tool for negative thinking in general. There are a number of free programmes via internet/phone apps you can sign up for. 

It is good you are now on Clomid, hopefully that will help. If not there are other avenues. Do believe that it will happen, your results show you have clear tubes which is great. Focus on the positive and try to ignore other ppl with their bumps & babies. Focus on you & DF.

Lots of luck & baby dust x


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Lilly83, The sad thing is a lot of people don't realise how lucky they are :/ xxx

LuluLimon, I find it hard to find the energy and motivation for exercise at the moment, apart from work I don't really go anywhere and find it hard to enjoy anything anymore. Funnily enough, my HTB came home from Karate today and said there's a new kickboxing class starting soon so he wants to go, i'd love to join but I have no balance and can't kick haha! Thanks for the advise. Last cycle of Clomid then it's onto some sort of injection - unsure why I can't just go for IVF?! Don't quite understand the thinking behind consultants at hospitals, just another number to them I guess. Hard to focus on positives but I try! Thanks xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

No I absolutely agree, they don't, but us ladies on here all know how lucky they are even if they don't

It hurts so much I know it does  

I have followed some of your posts before on here and know you have had a rough time x


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

I honestly think that youl get there some day & I too was thinking the same but like lululimon has done I stopped stressing myself out with not being able to get pregnant, I started to do gym with my oh and it was really good because when you have a bad day you just work it out  other people can get pregnant so easily but then when you do get pregnant youl be the best mum you can be xx


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

At the minute 3 of my closest friends are pregnant, another 1 has just had a beautiful baby girl and my brother has just had a girl also. 
2 of my friends were worried to tell me they were PG incase it upset me, but of course it didn't. The way I look at is, is that I have things in my life they may not necessarily have. I go on amazing holidays twice a year. Me and my DH can go away at the drop of a hat without considering anyone else.
Of course we want children,  I have always pictured myself being a mum. But sadly it may never happen and if I allowed myself to get upset everytime someone had a baby then I would never be happy. 
I always think those girls can't help that they don't have fertility issues, as much as I can't help that I have them. 
3 years ago I nearly lost my DH, they told us he had a week to live if they didn't give him surgery. That was before we knew about his issues regarding fertility. I always think now as long as I have him I'm happy. A child would just be a bonus.  I wake up and count my blessings every single day and enjoy being the best aunty I can be .


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

I'm with you on the weight frontage.. I had a BMI of 26 when I started IVF, couldn't have any NHS treatment as my partner at the time had a son (though I was never allowed to see him or be part of his life). I was the one with major fertility problems not him although a little slow swimmers. I was furious and to be fair still am.

Anyhow after my third BFN I had piled on the weight to a BMI of 32 I was then told (despite previous BMI and paying for tx) that my BMI was now the issue.. talk about clutching at straws.. well I had one more fresh cycle with them who completed cocked up the SS so I left that clinic armed with my frozen eggs.. I then went to a wonderful clinic who actually said there's no way you have that BMI.. I did! They said that wasn't a problem and the reason why the failures were coming thick and fast.. They advised lots of tests which I had only one came back abnormal which was NK cells took everything including immunes drugs and the outcome was the same. I was convinced it was due to my hydro tube that the NHS (previous hospital) had clipped it.. something was wrong) 

I then went to BMI consultant and he scanned me did an MRI and low and behold my tube was in a right mess. After an lapo on the NHS with a BMI clinic it turns out my tube was clipped in the wrong place, tube was 14cm long by 10cm in diameter, tennis ball cyst on left ovary, adhesions everywhere and a polyp which was 5cm inside my wall lining all of which could of contributed to my BFN's.. 

I spoke with my GP about this and wanting to fight the PCT and NHS for some money back.. She's said it's a long shot and could try but in her experience the NHS will just say they followed all NICE guidelines regardless of the clip being in the wrong place.. I've spent £30,000 with the NHS to be told that! Really chuffs me off. 

I have joined WW now and only lost 4lb's in 4 weeks but I feel so much better.. I do go to the gym and love it and I also swim a lot.. Small steps forward in lowering you BMI will help you (more so I think when pregs) but the BMI isn't the be all and end all... As you say people get pregs all the time even drug users and how's that fair.. My sisters friends a foster career and my god she has had babies that are months old which need care due to their mothers intake of drugs then they leave the mother and she gets pregs again and another child is being taken into care all at the tax payers cost.. No fair hearing for the likes of us.. we just get down trodden! xx


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## hilly35 (Feb 14, 2012)

Jenna, you are a woman after my own heart. Yes it seems so cruel and unfair what others have but my brother once said to me - if a group of people went into a room and put their troubles in a heap on a table - you would be pretty quick at picking your own up! I guess whilst other people may seem to have it all you never really know what the issues they have to go through - everyone has something. Personally I feel very very blessed that me and my dh have fought our way through this and have been lucky enough to (touch wood) get where we are today. I was always happy for my friends - of course I had twinges of pain - but I never wanted their babies - I want mine and my husbands. Thats always helped me look at it. One of my close friends who falls pg at a drop of a hat (she has 2 little ones) has just experienced a miscarraige and its been horrendous, just at the same time as I got my very very long awaited BFP. But she was amazing towards me and I kinda thought for once its not that easy being on the other side too! Anyway ladies I wish you all lots of  luck


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

Very true hilly, you never know peoples personal struggles. Another example is, my mum she looks like she has an amazing life a great husband who earns a good wage they go away to exotic places many times a year and so many times I've heard people say 'it's alright for some'. My mum's sister commited suicide in September,  that was my mums last living link in her family, other than her children my mum has no relatives. She's just been prescribed antidepressants because she's struggling so much. I know that's totally off subject but its so true other people may be hurting in totally different ways to us.

How amazing that you got your BFP!!!! So happy for you . Good luck with everything. Xx


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks for all your lovely comments ladies, it's made me feel better. We have two little rabbits who I swear are worse than children anyway! Jenna, that's awful about your DH, hope he's better now! I couldn't cope if I lost my DF.

hbkmorris, That's awful about the clinic messing you around I really hope you get your money back, such a lot to lose! I think you need something to focus on to help you lose weight, i'm finding it hard to focus on anything at the moment, let alone exercise! 

Really hoping for some positivity this year! xxx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

What helps me is the thought that fertility is not a zero-sum game -- someone else being more fertile than me and being able to have children easily doesn't reduce my own chances of becoming a mother, and someone else's baby coming into the world doesn't reduce the chances of my own being born one day. I definitely get the feelings of "when is it going to be my turn?!", but that's being angry with the universe, not with people who have better baby luck. I agree with the folks upthread saying that we never know what another person is suffering with -- it's hard to keep a grateful mind when suffering through infertility treatments, but I try really hard to remember how lucky I am in other areas of my life.


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