# Can anyone help with anxiety ?struggling big time



## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I started treatement this month , DH and I had taken a couple of years deciding what to do after he was dx with complete azoospermia 
I have always struggled with anxiety 
My first IUI resulted in a bfn which I was realistically  expecting, but since  I started tx I have felt so anxious, worried and upset that it's making me physically unwell , I'm getting constant migraines , and even physically sick . When I wake up in the morning it's like a tap turns on and my body slowly fills with this really horrible nervous feeling.  I suddenly feel my body just isn't up for pregnancy -probably cause I want it so badly!!

I'm 100% at peace with our decision to use a donor so is DP,  I'm so desperate for my tx to work that's it's almost shutting my body down if that makes sense. 

How do u ladies cope ? I'm so fed up of people saying that 'it happened as soon as I stopped trying' that's not an option for us. Treatement is our only hope. 
Do I somehow make myself 'unbothered' about it working? 
Do I see the GP? Are meds a good idea? What about relaxation CDs? 
Anyone have any tips? I fear it's just going to build and build as I work through my cycles...


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi kjade,

How are you doing today? I'm so sorry your treatment didn't work this time. Anxiety is horrible, isn't it? (I know that's an understatement!) It feels as if fertility treatment was specially designed to tick all the anxiety trigger boxes, too! 

Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix for anxiety-the person who invented that would be a millionaire! But there are ways to cope, and to manage the symptoms. Anxiety in itself is no bad thing, it's one of our survival traits, but when it runs haywire and affects our daily lives (heart racing when making a cup of tea, feeling sick with worry when trying to eat your dinner, constantly mulling over worst-case scenarios when having a nice day out) then it's not so useful. 

Throughout treatment my anxieties would focus on different things-what if treatment doesn't work, what if it does, what if I can't cope as a mum, what if all this changes our relationship in a bad way....those were the top ones, but it felt like there were hundreds of other little worries, all ready to attack at a moment's notice.

I found talking to my DH helped (but being aware that men are "fixers" more than "listeners"), sounding off on fertility friends, doing regular daily mindfulness/meditation using the headspace app, getting out for some exercise (just walking) and staying away from all my usual go-to comfort foods help keep me on an even keel. I also started looking into how our minds work-just knowing why our minds feel as if they're against us sometimes helps me understand and feel les frightened of the anxious feelings.

Good luck to you kjade, you will get through this


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## Arnies Mum (Dec 10, 2009)

Hello K Jade. 
Wow your post has really struck a chord with me and it's like I could have written it myself. I have suffered from anxiety for many many years and it all came to a head about 3 years ago. I too would feel like you in the morning, I would wake with a tight chest, racing heart, constant nausea and would also vomit on occasion when it was so bad. 
I can only tell you what worked for me and if you want to speak to me about this more privately I would be happy to help you through this difficult time as private messages although I am sure other ladies on here will also have great advice. 
I eventually went to see my GP as there came a day where I couldn't get out of bed and face the world. I basically hit rock bottom. I was put on Citalopram which is an anti depressant/anxiety medication. I was also sent for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). They got me in really quickly and I was seeing a lovely therapist for 10 weeks. Both of these things really helped me and I urge you to do this straight away. I'm also the sort of person who really tries to help myself. I didn't want to rely on the medication and actually came off it a year later but it did help me through that tough time and I wouldn't hesitate to go back on it again should I need to. So....other things that worked for me:
1. I had a habit of lying in bed snoozing in the mornings, you feel so ropey that you don't want to get up so I would put it off. That was making the mornings harder for me. My husband got up at 6.30 so he started getting me up, we would walk the dogs round the block together and then I would feel better and less rushed in the mornings. I also found getting up earlier meant I was tired and ready for bed in the evenings and slept better. 
2. Yoga. This was a saviour for me. I just went on YouTube and searched yoga for anxiety and would do this in the mornings also. The breathing exercises and positions helped and I always felt better afterwards. (I am currently doing the ones for morning sickness and EXTREME nausea - not helping so much) !!!!!!
3. Eat breakfast. I would avoid breakfast as I would feel ropey in the mornings but it's a known fact that empty stomachs make nausea and anxiety worse. I still struggle with solids in the morning but a home made protein shake with some ground oats and a bit of fruit in it has all the nutrition you need and will help I promise. 
4. Exercise. This may be difficult for you at the moment as you are going through treatment but running helps me. I am really missing it at the moment and through my treatment. Putting your favourite music on and walking or jogging releases endorphins and helps with anxiety. 
5. Relaxation and hypnotherapy - I would go to sleep listening to a anxiety hypnotherapy app on my phone. I tended to be anxious in my sleep so would wake with a tight jaw and clenched teeth. 

As you can see from my signature I am 7 weeks pregnant from our 2nd diui so it does work and it seems we have had a very similar journey. Your younger than me too so have age on your side. Stay positive that it will work. Look after yourself and go to your GP as the anxiety won't be helping matters so best get it sorted sooner rather than later. You CAN beat it. It will probably always be there but it's about managing it and not letting it take control which at the moment it is. I know how you are feeling and it will get better. 
Lots of love X


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

I found this website particularly helpful when I was really struggling last summer

Www.anxietynomore.co.UK

Xx

/links


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi Arnies mum,

You're spot on with the yoga (and everything else you said!) -I would do the legs-up-the-wall pose every night before bed while listening to my headspace app, it was a god send.

Kjade, I'd also recommend the ruby wax book, Sane New World for a fab beginners insight into the working of our minds xx


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## Arnies Mum (Dec 10, 2009)

Oh yes legs up the wall...brilliant pose! I did headspace too...loved it. Thinking about starting it up again actually and I can feel the anxiety creeping up on me again so need to take some of my own advice on board!!! 
Congrats on your BFP too! I am sick as a dog, which is one of my anxiety triggers (vomiting!) We are always being tested even when we get the BFP we have so longed for! X


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Am just on my way out so can't write much but I have found The Fertile Mind (google the website) has helped me massively. I have been listening to the hypnosis tracks for assisted conception and they really helped me to stay calm throughout the whole process. Im normally v anxious!


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## sd84 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi kjade,

I didn't want to read and run but don't have much to add on top of the really useful tips already given by Arnies mum and Mrs Gorilla. I too have had anxiety for years and finally had cbt a year ago which was extremely helpful. However since that point have found out we need IVF due to severely low sperm count. This has put me straight back into a very anxious place worrying about everything and feeling really physically anxious. The things I'm trying to continue which have really helped for me are
1. Relaxation and calming breathing - essentially slowing your breathing down and clenching/relaxing every muscle group. You can find this technique online. It's hard to do when you're in an anxious place but practicing on good days helps with overall feeling a bit more relaxed
2. Acupuncture - this has really helped my sleeping as I have insomnia linked to anxiety 
3. Yoga 
4. Cbt - challenging negative thinking which feeds anxiety. I had some online sessions which I was referered to by my gp. A real therapist but you talk online in real time which was a bit more flexible than having appointments and there was no waiting list. I now use an app called pocket cbt which helps me to challenge negative thoughts.

I wish I knew the answer to your question as I have ups and downs with coping. Fertility problems are difficult for anyone but when you have anxiety it is a nightmare as uncertainty and lack of control are at the heart of anxiety and these are inherent in the nature of this journey. Good luck xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, 
i cant tell you how much it has helped, just to know  that im not the only one

it definatly holds me back in life and as  i failed my driving test 4 times siply because i was so anxious i couldnt think straight

im going to print off all your responses so that i can have them on me and refer to them 
and will also check out those websites
xxxxxxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Kjade, I just wanted to say me too, I have not had anxiety before but during the last few years in this journey it has become a problem, I think because things out of my control have been thrown at me and I started to lose faith in being positive / relaxing making it work. 
I agree with everyone else, Yoga is very good, and especially if I do it every day it stops you thinking and calms everything. Youtube has some good fertility meditations which I like to calm down if I feel panicking... I have found circle and bloom really good relaxation for your cycle, i like the fact that there is a track for the right day of your cycle and the techniques work for me, I have it on my phone and used it today at the clinic before egg collection.... http://www.circlebloom.com/ ...and having a few diet related changes /supplements makes me feel like I am making positive steps and helps. 
Getting my OH more involved and explaining all the details has helped so much, i was trying to do it all on my own before, i felt like it was my issues and therefore my job to sort it all out, but you need support... I also have lent on my parents and a couple of friends a bit more than before... 
   x

/links


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi all, 

Kjade, I've been thinking about you today, how are you?

I agree with sd84 about the cbt, that can really help. There  is an online cbt course through moodgym which may help? I must say that cbt watnt always great for me because it made me think about my thoughts so that I could challenge them, and I tend to fall into a trap of becoming obsessed by my thoughts and not being able to let them go! Such fun! (For me, I imagine my anxieties to be like quicksand-the more I fight them, the more they pull me in, so I have to stay as relaxed as poss, let the worries hang out in the background like a low-level radio, and I can eventually be free of them for some time.) Like yoga bunny says, making sure other people around you know what's going on can help take the burden off you-you don't have to be superwoman and you don't have to do it all. 

As you know with anxiety it comes in waves-you can go for some time feeling pretty much okay then it hits you, sometimes out of the blue, and you don't always know how long a particular episode will hang around. Sadly, at whatever point you are in your journey, there will be something to trigger you. Just like Arnies Mum who is suffering with morning sickness at the mo (congrats though!) or me whose complete lack of sex drive since bfp has me convinced that DH will leave me because of no "action" and I'll be a single mum (obviously a totally rational thing to panic about!) there will always be something that can get to you...learning some coping skills now will pay you dividends for your next treatment and hopefully bfp


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Hi miss gorilla , 
Unfortunately today hasn't been too good
My first thought the minute I woke up was , well the IUI won't work and when they do the IVF all the embies will die in the lab before transfer. Yes .. Just that. Hadn't even put the kettle on by this point!
It's went on ... Dh will leave as he wont wanna cope with the treatement anymore, I'll be still TTC at 55, it'll take over my life , I'm gonna lose my job, oh and if , it's a big if, I do have a baby they will hate me , and just to top it all for my final thought was my child will grow up to be ugly AND weird. 

I've just had a hot bath and made a tea - decaf as caffeine is not agreeing with me. So do feel I've remedied it somewhat
I've tried mood gym on recommendation from GP a few years ago, I will have another look. I'm with u on the quicksand 

Yoga bunny I will definatly have a look at circle bloom -thank u


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

a nice hot bath and a cup of tea always works wonders for me, even if only for ten minutes! A counsellor once said to me I should make a "tool kit" of things that help me, so that could be something you try? Obviously you can't put a bath in a tool kit, but you could definitely write a  "tool kit" list of a few things that take the edge off the anxiety for you. 
Anxiety focuses on your fears, which is why it's so debilitating, but also why the fears you're experiencing today make sense in a way-they're certainly fears I've had in the past and, I'm sure, many of the other women here. 

Hang in in there, this rough patch will ease. I hope with the suggestions from the ladies here there's something that will help you. Keep talking though, you'll get there


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## klmch (Apr 22, 2012)

Hi all, I just wanted to say that I agree with all the ideas posted so far and wanted to add a few. I am a big worrier by the way, and don't take this the wrong way but I giggled when I read your worry, kjade, about child being ugly and weird as this has also happened to me too. When I started the DE process, I kept thinking that even if it did work one day, I would have a child with a huge pointy nose or something!!  

I've stopped worrying about that particular one but still have worries but the things that have helped me are:

Exercise, i.e. I started cycling ( and i am an unfit overweight person so if I can do it...) 
Reflexology- feels amazing!!! And if course relaxing too!
Self hypnosis CD, I.e. Zita west for fertility or something like Paul McKenna for general stress relief
Supplements like montmorency cherry are supposed to make you sleep better!
Essential oils, like lavender, in baths or on pillow for good nights sleep
Tai chi classes- loved this! 
Sounds weird, but try to enjoy work/job, maybe even do more to take your mind off all this ....
Ok, I realise this is not what I should be saying, but a glass of wine & a laugh with friends??


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi ladies

Just to add a suggestion into the mix from my own experience of coping with anxiety and panic attacks: hypnotherapy. I was really struggling with approaching my fifth and final cycle and was so very scared of going through tx again. I'd had a long break between txs which, in a way, made facing it again that much harder than doing back to back cycles like I'd done previously. I suffered from chronic tension headaches for two long years - 24/7 day in day out and had panic attacks when it felt like the walls were closing in and the desire for a baby was just so strong it felt suffocating. I knew I couldn't go through another tx so stressed but had tried so many ways to relax before but nothing really worked - or only offered brief respite. I just needed something to switch my mind off and stop me tormenting myself with negative thoughts. That's when I was introduced to hypnotherapy and in just a few short sessions my mind set had completely shifted to positive. I sought out a professional hypnotist through personal recommendation and she was quite simply amazing!! Without a doubt she gave me my life back - I was calm, positive and back in control - and I went through my final tx with a what will be, will be mindset. I had 6 sessions over 6 months but by the 3rd session is noticed a marked improvement. 

It's an incredibly powerful therapy and has been the most effective way to deal with all the complex emotions attached to IF, I found. 

Just my personal opinion - it's not for everyone - but I'd tried everything else and nothing had worked. I had nothing to lose. I always found it was easy to relax the body with exercise etc but switching off the endless thoughts, especially those negative ones, is so so hard. Hypnotherapy helped me to do that. Now my mind has been 'trained' I find I'm much more receptive to hynpo and meditation CDs (previously I'd never had the patience to see them through) but now I respond instantly. Anyone near the Cambridge area pm me if you'd like details of the lady I saw. I'd definitely recommend doing your homework if you are thinking of trying hypno and to get recommendations from others who've had success.

Looking back I feel sad that I tortured myself for so long with negative thoughts - it won't work, I don't deserve it to, my body is useless, everyone is disappointed in me etc etc when I should have been proud of my strength for keep picking myself up after each failure and doing it all over again. Anxiety is undoubtedly a debilitating and restrictive emotion but once overcome it feels like you can take on the world. And win 😬



X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Hopeful shell I read your post with interest. I can relate to a lot of what u have said, and I do think hypnotherapy would help me a lot
I have looked up some local therapists but money is v.tight atm and not sure I could forlk out right now
May sound like a stupid question but is there any self help for of hypnotherapy out there, like on you tube for axample? 
I am the same in that I find it literally impossible to switch off negative thoughts. I have had them since a child; I worried about all sorts of things; aliens coming and invading earth, a metorite hitting us, getting cancer, my mother told me that I 'wasn't normal'  
I think deep down its a protective thing. If I'm not worrying I'm therefore 'off guard' and somethings bound to get me 
I've taken this thought process through into my IF journey, and its been oh so unhelpful
My DP despairs of me

I am so pleased hypno has worked for u, and that I am not alone in having this kind of mindset
Ultimately it may be something i have to go for

Klmch thank you xx
Yes I do reflexo and it really helps


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## klmch (Apr 22, 2012)

Hi kjade,

I did 1 session of hypnotherapy for my last transfer and found if helped me to relax a lot. The lady I did it with understood I was coming to it last-minute and did 1 session and a mp3 to listen to before and after ET for around £60 so if wasn't too bad considering I could listen to the mp3 again and again. Otherwise you can get zita west or other fertility stuff for around £10- £15 on Amazon, or if you are happy to do relaxation only, forget the fertility stuff, you can get lots of free stuff on the internet, YouTube, iTunes etc

Hope that helps a bit,
XX


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## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi there.
I've always struggled with stress/anxiety and particularly the last number of years with fertility related depression. It's horrible when you are trying to relax to ttc but your mind sort of tenses up your body.

I also did circleandbloom relaxation/visualisations in run up to ivf, throughout and then during my pregnancy. It worked with my mind and sleep. Another good one is Darren marks who you can download onto your phone. He's a hypnotherapist and helped me get to sleep for the long wait to ivf. They are only a couple of quid each.

Acupuncture was also useful for me...but also with eating well and cutting out caffeine. We also took a 2 week holiday whilst I was downregging to get away from other people (and the babies) and relax, eat well and do. Nice things. It helped me when I could easily have seen myself stressing in the run up to things. 
Good luck


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Thinking and expecting the worst to happen is very natural I think when struggling with IF. You convince yourself that if you expect the worst you'll be better equipped to deal with a negative outcome. Of course we all know that's not true but it is hard to re-set your mind and train it to change the course to positive. I understand hypnotherapy with a professional isn't cheap - each session cost me £80. After I'd finished my course of sessions I bought a self hypnosis CD off Amazon by a lady called Rezwana Patterson. I think it was about £10. It is specifically designed for the different stages of IVF and includes gentle hypno and relaxation. The final CD in the set is focused on post ET and visualisation. It helps the listener to understand that they do deserve tx to work and to think positively about the outcome. I would recommend it for IVF and just for relaxation in general. It had good reviews on Amazon so I gave it a go. I'd recommend it 😬

X 

X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

once again thank you all so much for your replies and suggestions with this
i have ordered some of the recommended tapes of amazon
last night i put on a youtube recording , just a general relaxation IVF one and it really really helped
i ended up dreaming about my friend who is also struggling TTC getting a BFP, a good omen i felt. 

just one question, it may be a bit far fetched. 
but cortisol and prolactin, both produced by stress and anxiety
do they really affect my conception chances big time?
of course all the relaxation i do isn't ultimately going to elliminate the way i feel and everyone is nervious and anxious on TWW.


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi kjade, I've not done any reading up on cortisol/prolactin levels and their effects on treatment so can't advise you there I'm afraid. I do know that our bodies are a delicate balance of hormones though and anything we can do to keep them ticking over smoothly can only be a good thing


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi K jade,

I have no answer to dealing with/reducing anxiety (& personally am very sceptical of anyone offering to cure it for cash)
but something that helped me was reading the results of a scientific study showing anxiety levels before & during fertility treatment did NOT have any negative impact on the outcome. 

I can honestly say nobody was more anxious than me (literally shaking & being sick with nerves before every little test, scan or procedure). The sheer terror didn't go away once I was pregnant, nor even now when I have to let £20k worth of IVF out of my sight, but however high your stress levels it absolutely doesn't harm your chances, any more than it causes infertility in the first place like some ill-informed people believe. 

Look after yourself,

B xxx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Bombshell thank u 
Your wise words are always helpful!

Actually just hearing that has helped me feel much calmer
I was starting to worry about worrying if that makes sense 
I think once u start To see anxiety as the enemy you put up another fight to try and defeat it

Can't remember who recommended rizwana Patterson but tried the cd last night, v.good
Xx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Sounds a bit mad but it really does work: right nostril breathing, literally block your left nostril close eyes and deep breathe with just right one, it's really relaxing in moments of panic or fear


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## Mashenka1985 (Feb 19, 2016)

This article might be helpful.

/links


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