# Making the leap to adoption?



## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi All

I've been lurking on this part of the forum for a couple of months and your stories have been a source of hope and inspiration. I would love to get some thoughts from those of you who moved from fertility treatment to adoption and how you made the decision.

We have had two failed rounds of ICSI (our last BFN was 6 weeks ago). Even before we started ttc we thought seriously about adoption and it has always been something we thought we would be good at and would be fulfilling for us. After the first round of ICSI we went to an adoption information evening and were pretty close to making the leap then. However, in the end we decided it felt too soon to let go of the dream of a birth child and so we had another go with ICSI. Since that failed we have again started talking about adoption and are going to another information evening tonight (different LA). Quite a few people have told us not to 'give up' with ICSI (usually unsolicited advice from people who have no idea...). When I think about adoption I feel excited (if a little daunted). When I think about not having a biological child I feel so low and tearful, as if I'm in a grieving process that won't end. This sadness really tempts me towards another round of ICSI. I'm wondering how other people have navigated this junction. When did you know it was time to move on and start the adoption journey? And once started, do you look back?


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

Your post really jumped out at me as I think I wrote almost the exact same a few years back. How do you know when to stop? I am so sorry to hear of your bfn's. I truly don't think you are ready to stop yet. When the time comes you just kind of know. That longing to do another cycle gets replaced with a feeling of enough. I can't go through this anymore. For us it was after the 6th attempt. With all other 5 I felt well if we try something different next time or a new clinic. Something inside me broke on the 6th icsi bfn and I just knew in my heart it was time to stop.

However I did have a child through fet so my situation is slightly different to yours. Not sure if my end would have came if I had never had him. As it turned out my last bfn came on his 5th birthday and it ruined the day and I realised I had spent the first 5 years of his life desperate for another. The longing never left even after I was so lucky to have ds.

We started the adoption process 3 months after that last bfn and I can hand on heart say I have no regrets. You have to look back one day and be comfortable that you did all you could and be able to come to terms that your child may just come through a different route. You will know when that time is. 

Always here if you want to pm x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Jess has given some great advice my take on it is very different so I guess I thought I'd post so you have a view from both sides but ultimately the hard thing about this stuff is only you can actually make a decision.  

I was 24 / 25 when we first started TTC something in my heart always told me it wasn't going to happen for us and like you I had always been open to / thought I would adopt after having bio kids perhaps 2 and 2. However that didn't work out for me. After our 1st ICSI we telephoned an adoption agency but in all honesty DH wasn't ready he hadn't come to terms with his infertility. We ended up doing another round of ICSI at our consultation to start the consultant said he thought we were mad to look into adoption so soon because with my age and male infertility we had a 60 - 70 % chance of success. However despite all this I never felt convinced. Needless to say ICSI 2 and FET didn't work (you can see my path from my signature) and after FET DH sat down and sobbed his heart out and said I just can't do this anymore. I knew he was ready to stop treatment then. We went to adoption open evenings a few weeks later had our initial screening interview a few weeks later and they accepted us to start the adoption process in June (which was 6 / 7 months after final treatment.) We are hopefully going to approval panel in October. 

Having this assurance enabled us to finish our grieving in a safe space for me the big loss was the normal experience and at the point we decided to adopt I did still feel loss and hurt for this. However the thing that mattered the absolute most to me was parenting. Mother is a verb in my mind - to mother -  the action of raising a child not a noun describing a certain person.  The thought of further failed treatment scared and hurt me more than the thought of never having a biological child and that is how I made my decision at the time I chose what scared me less. There was still hurt, loss and grieving to do but I was 100% sure of what I wanted. 9 months on I couldn't be happier the reality is I can't have a natural pregnancy and to be honest it would be a nightmare to me at this point in time. I don't really want an ICSI pregnancy and never did (it's far from the ideal childhood dream.) I want to adopt. 

A friend who went through TX when I did had FET 2 weeks after me has her newborn and hand on heart I am glad she is happy but I am not jealous and I don't look at her and see her situation as a win. My friends who have convinced naturally and quickly in my view have had a win. For me she has and will probably always have 1 child and has spent all her savings. I will      have 2 children shortly after her and will always be able to adopt more at a later date. For me personally that is a much better situation I want a big family. I want all my children to mean the world to me I am so glad that with adoption your children come together. They will all be my salvation and there the day the last wisps of our dark cloud go. 

Having always wanted a big family when IF was introduced this always worried me for the obvious reason but also because I was acutely aware that the first child would end our suffering and bring light into our lives future siblings would never hold that. Sorry I have totally waffled but I hope it has helped. I guess what I am saying in 

What scares you the least? and in my view I think you can decided you are ready to adopt while still having some grieving and hurting to do. Good luck with what you decide x x


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Thank you both so much for your responses. It is so helpful to hear your stories and to get some differing from perspectives from people who have been through this xxx


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

What a wonderful post DIY. X


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## Joan71 (Jul 16, 2011)

Ciacox,
It's been great to stumble across your post today and read the replies you've had.

I'm in a very similar situation...3 failed ICSI cycles (donor egg), came close to going down the adoption route after each cycle, but since our last cycle in June we have done an information course and had a visit from a social worker, and it just feels so right. I didn't quite feel like this between the other cycles. I was always interested in adoption and even had a funny feeling that I would end up here in the end, but previously the timing just wasn't right. 

Our last ICSI cycle was completely different as I had had enough, was not excited as in previous cycles and was almost relieved to get the BFN as I knew I couldn't cope with further miscarriages and false hope. I suddenly realised that although the adoption journey is also a rollercoaster, there will be a happy ending if I want there to be. ICSI could no longer offer me this hope. That's not to say that adoption doesn't still terrify me. I've been reading books about attachment disorders this week and have realised that there is so much to learn and that there is no such thing as an adopted child without issues, but rather than making me want to turn back to ICSI, it is making me want to read on and learn more. This is how I know that I'm ready. My friends and family also seem to be relieved and are moving on with me. Nobody really knew what to say when I mentioned IVF, but everybody is so excited/enthusiastic about me adopting and people want to genuinely chat to me about it for hours and hours. This has also helped me to feel it's the right decision.

Anyway, best of luck whichever way you turn. As the others have said, only you can decide. If you are still tempted by ICSI, that may be where you need to be for now. I wish I'd made the decision to adopt earlier, but at the same time I know that I wouldn't have got to where I am today without getting the ICSI out of my system xx


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

we went through ICSI and after BFN i couldn't face another, I'd always wanted to adopt but DH wanted to try for a birth child. My last BFN was 6mnth to the day before our wedding it was an emotional year. 
After our honeymoon we decided to follow the adoption route and 2 yrs after our last ICSI we brought our children home. Adoption is a tough process and an emotional roller-coaster but you know when you've had enough of the needles and waiting that is ICSI you are grieving and it is part of the journey and the reason why adoption agencies ask you to wait.
you'll know when the time is right to start your adoption journey- best of luck


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Wonderful posts in reply to yours Ciacox. I think they will help alot.  One thing that strikes me us  your grieving for a biological child sounds very heartbreaking and strikes me that maybe although one day adoption could be a path you travel I dont think it can be until you have dealt with that grief. Please accept I am not being at all critical of you, I am just making observations. Adoption is not second best or in fact easy, actually its probably a lot harder. Although I am not quite there yet so dont want to sound like an idiot! Having been through many losses and icsi/ivf treatments I found it quite patronising when people said I had to deal with my grief to move on to adoption but in hindsight I am glad we had to wait. I also think that adoption can be as emotional as treatment. Honestly I feel your post tells me you havent quite finished with treatment but maybe when as others say you get to that one treatment where you dont even think it will work and you have no positive feelings left then you will know!!
I think adoption is wonderful and wonderfully hard. I would suggest reading some of the diaries to get a feel of what some of the new mums are feeling and see what it makes u feel? Imagine yourself as them and analyse your immediate feelings... it may tell you a few things. 
I do hope I dont sound too harsh, there is no judgement or criticism! I can relate to your situation.  I wish you thr best of luck entirely! Xxx


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Hello,

My goodness reading your post was like listening to myself about 6 months ago.  As you can see from my signature DH and I had 3 fresh rounds of ICSI PGD - this resulted in two miscarriages and a BFN. As each cycle came and went it seemed to take a part of DH and I with it. We had enough! We just knew that we couldn't keep putting ourselves through it again. It was taking over our lifes.  We originally phoned our LA to make enquiries between our 1st and 2nd round however something kept telling us to give it one more go with we did and lost again. After that we both agreed that it was time to stop. The grieving took hold and we both hit rock bottom. I cried all the time but we worked through it together with the help of a little counselling session.

We are now awaiting to be allocated our SW to start the home assessment. We both feel so alive again and our spring in our step has returned. We can't wait to become a family.

I really hope your decision comes east to you I know how hard it is xx


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

thank you all so much. it means a lot to read your stories. i know that, whether or not we decide to go for another round of ICSI, adoption is a good option that is there for us if and when we're ready to take it. we went to the info evening last night and both felt very positive. i had it in my head that if we were going to do another round of ICSI we would get on with it as soon as possible (i.e. start end of sept) and therefore we would need to make the decision now. i've realised that this was putting on an unnecessary pressure for such a big decision. we're off on holiday in a couple of weeks and plan to take our time and build up strength. when we feel stronger i think it will be easier to know whether we want to use that energy for another round of ICSI or for moving on. making a decision (either way) just because i feel knackered and fed up is not the way i want to do it! 

wishing you all so much luck with the exciting journeys you are on. xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi there

Like Adoption Dreams I too felt the same way 6 months ago. We decided not to have icsi again and to go for adoption but I just couldn't make my mind up as I was grieving for the loss of a birth child but also for late miscarriages I had experienced just a few months earlier. 
I couldn't understand how I could grieve so much over not having a birth child but at the same time didn't want to do anything about it, i.e. didn't want another icsi. 
Now I understand why the agencies make you wait 6 months. I spent the first two crying and grieving. 
Frangipani is right that you need to grieve but I'm not sure that you aren't ready as I felt the same. 

Now I do feel ready. Still apprehensive and still find it bizarre that I gave up on icsi after only two rounds, one of which was successful but followed by loss of twins. I'd always imagined having more cycles til it worked basically but don't want that now. 
But adoption is totally different than birth children and it's what we (me and DH) really want now. 

Very best of luck xxxx


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## Bumpless (Feb 18, 2009)

A wise friend who has 2 adopted DC told me 'you do IVF when all other options are more painful, and you stop it when it becomes more painful than the other options'. Each of us cross that line in an individual way and in our own time. Good luck with your decision xx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi


I like you went through two icsi cycles both bpf but sadly ended up with angels.  I sat in the garden with my dh after the 2nd icsi ended in angels and said to him that I couldn't go through the pain of another loss. To my suprise he said the same. I had always thought about adoption but never mentioned it and he raised it and said let's adopt. There are lots of children needing mummy's and daddy's, we are a mummy and daddy needing a child. So that was it.  Now here we are in 11 sleeps time going to matching panel to bring our little boy home.
We are the most proudest parents in the world. What ever you decided you will know when the time is right.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

I'll try and keep it brief, I tend to waffle  

DH and I had 3 rounds of IUI (we could of had 6 and then had IVF if we chose to do so). We went to an info evening before we started IUI as we had a gut feeling a birth child wasn't meant to be for us. We decided to have a go with IUI and see how we felt. We hated every min of treatment and it just 'didn't feel right' after our last IUI we took a break and had counselling to help us make the decision we had already made (if that makes sense?) We wanted to stop treatment and adopt but were worried we were cheating ourselves out of having a birth child and were making a decision out of grief. We were surrounded by people encouraging us to follow treatment and to stay positive as it 'Will happen one day'  

Anyway long story short - adoption was right for us, we followed it and now couldn't be happier. Our daughter is now asleep in bed as I write this   She is everything we ever hoped for, honestly I don't think we could of made a more perfect child for us biologically, she just fits. We love the bones of her and all close family and friends equally adore her. Very happy ending for us and so glad we stopped treatment when we did. I never think 'what if' or worry we made the wrong decision and I'm pretty sure DH is very content with our little family as well.

Just thought I'd share our experience. Good look with making the right decision for you. I Deff recommend counselling in aiding your decision, it's also positively viewed when going through adoption process  

XxX


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi Ladies

I just wanted to send a quick update as your replies were so helpful to me a few weeks back. We have been in decision limbo for 2 and a half months but have finally decided that we need to have one last go at ICSI. We've been to meetings and done a lot of research and both feel very positive about adoption and I genuinely believe that if this cycle of ICSI fails (and we're told there's around 70% chance it will) I will be ready to switch gears and go for it with adoption. In the end, the fact that it seemed nearly impossible right now to make the decision told us that we weren't ready to change paths. In a way I felt resentful that we need to go through something so painful and miserable and expensive before we can accept that the door is finally closed for us. But it seems we do, and I've come to accept that now. I am not dreading the outcome of this cycle: if we achieve a healthy pregnancy it will obviously be a wonderful surprise and great news, if we don't it will give us the answer we're looking for and I think it won't be long until we feel both relieved and excited about that answer. 

Sending you all much love and hugs for your journey with your little ones, whether they be with you already or still finding their way to you.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Congrats CIA, you do need to be sure of adoption and feel ready to close the door for a period so that's great news you will be having treatment with such high feelings. Good luck x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good luck ciacox thank you for popping back and updating us x x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Bumpless said:


> A wise friend who has 2 adopted DC told me 'you do IVF when all other options are more painful, and you stop it when it becomes more painful than the other options'. Each of us cross that line in an individual way and in our own time. Good luck with your decision xx


That's a good way to describe it. For us, IVF was always the more painful route, but I too relate to the "clinging to hope" feeling. We all close the door on our grief in different ways. I'm glad you are moving forward, ciacox.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Good luck whatever happens ciacox  xxx


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