# Options following consultation



## lightofhope (Jul 20, 2009)

Hi all - i really feel a bit deflated today following my consultation with a fertility consultant in Liverpool last night.  I am 45 and my DP is 46 so we both knew time was against us but my doc told me that my blood tests were quite good for someone of my age and the only real problem with my dp analysis was poor motility.  Anyway, we were with the consultant for about 15 mins and he basically said IVF held about a 2% chance of success and clomid was not really worth trying because of my partner's poor sperm motility, so really egg donor or adoption were the only realistic options.  I have a lot of respect for both egg donors and recipients but as desperate as i am to be a mother, i just can't get my head around this.  My dp is really caring and has acknowledged my feelings but his belief is that this is a great option and that as a potential "birth mother" i would be 100% a mother and i should try and broaden my mind and not dismiss it out of sight.  I am so confused, i can see where he is coming from, but im just struggling to feel comfortable with it.  If any friends have felt the same or can give me a bit of advice i would be really grateful. x


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## Lentil (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi Sweety,

For some ladies its a really toughie to accept the DE route and I can understand your dilemma if you havent tried with your own eggs yet. Maybe you should try and see how you feel afterwards because miracles do happen and although 2% is low there is a chance.

I have had 3 x failed ICSI and after the 3rd a load of tests which finally showed up a rare genetic problem which affects any embies made with my eggs and basically makes the arrest, not implant or should they get that far which they did 1st tx they miscarry. So when we learned this and having been faced with such a dreadful amount of upset it was just an easy decision for me to accept DE and much easier than accepting the alternative which is no baby. 

I havent had any counselling or felt the need and to me its a wonderful gift that a very generous and caring lady offers up to people like me.

I would add to this that if we had to go the DS route my DH wasnt as comfortable. But as the Birth Mother (I hope and  ) I will nurture and carry our embies to healthy babies whom I will give birth to and breastfeed and I know that 50% of them is DH. Thats good enough for me.

I would recommend you have a read of the Epigenetics and DE threads on here too hon, but also ask for counselling at your clinic to help you decide  - you may find that helps you. 

Just fyi too in Spain all donors are anonymous too so we wouldnt ever tell our LO that they were from DE nor have we chosen to tell anyone at all. In fact no one knows we are even having tx again. But the clinic have found a good match to my looks and build and so no one need ever know.

I had a scan at the clinic today and our donor is doing great so we have ET this week coming which is very exciting and I dont feel any less involved in the tx than when I was having to inject for OE ICSI. Just excited that someone is growing 'our' eggs for me and hoping we get a good batch.
  
Please let me know if you need to talk more - I hope my ramblings help a little,
L
xxxx


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Lightofhope

Your response to being told the odds is perfectly normal, and most of us who end up being DE mums have gone through a lot of soul-searching before we go down that road.  Of course, I would rather have had my own genetic child, but in my case I had gone through several tX with my own eggs and not got anywhere, so DE was the next best thing.  My case is a bit different, because my donor was my sister, but even that took some time to get my head round.

As Lentil has suggested, if your funds permit, you could try one cycle with your own eggs, so that you can say you tried (and you never know, miracles do happen...).  Have you seen the Donor Conception Network site?  They have various booklets about the donor process.  They are very pro telling the child of his/her origin, which not everyone here agrees with (though I do).  It will take some time to get your head round the idea but, speaking personally, once the baby is here, it is a baby like any other, which will need looking after and loving, and the whole donor thing may seem much less of an issue by then.

I wish you well with whatever you decide to do

EG x


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

This is interesting: http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/item.php?seeresults=1&uniqueid=5902&categoryid=495&

/links


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