# Am I the only person to feel like this?



## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

Hi,



I tested last week and it came back negative.  Since then I have had good and bad days.  At the moment I just cannot stop crying.  I feel such a failure.  At work on Wednesday, I was close to tears whenever I dealt with pregnant women, or women with small children.  Am I the only person feeling like this?


I have managed to get an appointment with the mental health nurse at my surgery but that appointment isn't until the end of next month, as she is fully booked.  Just don't know how much longer I am going to feel like this.


My DH says it is only natural, but I feel like I am showing weakness.  No-one at work really understands how I feel.  When I get upset my boss always comes out with some silly remark.  One time she started to say how she managed to work really long hours whilst she was pregnant because she felt so well, which had not relevance to how I was feeling.  It's probably the case that she doesn't know what to say.


I don't get paid sick pay, so can't really take any time off and I'm not really ill, just in a bad place mentally. I can't book any holiday because we have to give a month's notice when we need time off.


I know I should start to pick up my regular activities, such as weight watchers and horse riding but I just don't have the energy.  The only thing that makes me get out of bed in the morning is the fact I have to walk my dog.


Really need to kick this feeling into touch as I want to be in the best health when we try again later in the year.


Does anyone have any suggestions?


Take Care
Gypsy Moon
xxxxxx


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## Heatherby (Jul 9, 2010)

Dear Gypsy Moon,

I followed the August/September cycle thread & was so so sad for you when you got your BFN. I too am unlucky and confirmed by BFN last Tuesday. 
I am absolutely devastated..... I cannot seem to pick myself up. All I do is cry and stare into space! I just want to go live on an island, all by myself, with no pregnant ladies or babies anywhere! 

My wee sister (AKA my best friend) is 6 months pregnant and I just cannot cope with seeing/hearing/talking to her which is hurting her as much as it is hurting me.

What shall we do....! I feel better, weirdly, that feeling this shoddy is not uncommon. Sorry not much help. Maybe someone may pop along with some good advice xx


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## Cherry17 (Sep 1, 2009)

Gypsy Moon  maybe your IVF clinic provides counselling support? mine does 3 sessions included in each IVF cycle try to enquire with them


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## lightofhope (Jul 20, 2009)

Hi girls - im afraid i haven't got any quick fix solutions as unfortunately i am going through the same sort of thing myself.  I had my first IVF in July and everything went so well until the day before my blood test when i lost 2 "perfect" embryos!.  Since then i've only cried once which isn't always a good thing, but my main symptom is a complete lack of interest and motivation - i almost feel a bit numb and spaced out at times!!!.  In some ways, i think its because we build our lives around the IVF, almost imagining ourselves with our longed for babies, then when it fails i think we have this terrible feeling of loss and we almost feel redundant!!!. Its not much of a consolation but at least we are in good company and our feelings and emotions are completely normal and natural.  Heres hoping our long quest for success comes in the not too distant future hey?! Lots of luck to all xx


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback everyone.  I guess it's a case of "time is a great healer".  I'm going to try to be kind to myself, give myself a bit of slack, and just take each day as it comes.  Will start to plan some nice things to do, and get myself back into the swing of going to weight watchers etc.  Hopefully then, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days and I've just got to think it's not soon before we start this rollercoaster all over again and who knows we might be lucky this time.


I hope all you dreams come true too.  We all deserve to be mummies.


Gypsy Moon
xxxxxx


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## dharmagrrl (Aug 25, 2010)

Dear Gypsy Moon,

I'm new to the forum but just wanted you to know that I completely understand how you feel. And f'y'i: You are not weak! I don't have any answers except that I know it's v. important to try & be self loving with yourself & not have any people who don't understand or are insensitive around you. I've had ICSI once before - BFN and IUI - BFN and each time it was very hard to deal with and quite frankly I was v. depressed but I think that this is a quite reasonable response to a v. emotionally and physically draining experience. My sister has just had twins (in addition to her beautiful 2 year old) and there are kids everywhere you look and often I feel v. angry and low. I'm always amazed how many women/mothers still ask if you have kids and when you say no or not yet they look away as if you're abnormal in some way - like the only way they can relate to you is if you do have kids. 
I think depression and infertility/ivf+icsi related depression is v. common but is taboo to talk about and I wish more folk would talk about it. I have a great DH and he is my source of support but sometimes (and understandably) our situation gets him down too. Anyway we take it day to day. I try to take it breath by breath. Thats all you can do sometimes! I also try to keep myself distracted with nonsense: comedies, celeb gossip - anything to stop overthinking and feeling devastated and panicked - even for just a minute or two is a blessing.
Sorry if I've rabbited on but yr words rang true & I wanted to let you know that I empathise and you're not alone and be gentle with yourself! 
abundant blessings to you and all the other folk feeling the same,
dharmagrrl.


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## lulu72 (Jan 8, 2010)

hello Gypsy Moon and everyone

So sorry for your BFN - and please don't feel you're the only person to feel like this. I felt very much the same after both my BFNs and in the end saw the counsellor at my clinic after my 2nd BFN - and wished I'd gone after the first BFN, so highly recommend this if your clinics offer this to you.

The "thing" that stuck from seeing the counsellor is that we have to let ourselves grieve for our embryos. It's absolutely not a sign of weakness to feel absolutely bl**dy awful. I felt "fraudulent" for feeling that I'd "lost" my embies (and babies), but actually when I thought about it, what we've gone through really is a very early miscarriage - we know that we've had healthy embies put back into us and they haven't survived. So it's absolutely not the same as TTC naturally and it just not working out.

I realised that I'd been so busy beating myself up and feeling guilty for feeling so low, that I was trying to make myself get on with life and stop feeling sorry for myself ... with the result that I wasn't grieving properly for what might have been - and I wasn't enjoying all the good stuff that I have in my life. So, for what it's worth, I let myself cry and rant at the world without feeling guilty, and then looked forwards, so I've signed up for evening classes, made contact with friends that I haven't seen for ages and started to think positively about the next cycle. I feel a million times better for it!

Sending you all     , take care and be kind to yourselves

lulu
xxx


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

So sorry for your failed treatment, and what you are feeling is totally normal.   I felt like my world had collapsed in on me when we got our   and I felt an unbelievable amount of envy towards pregnant women and mothers of small children. A few friends of mine fell pregnant after my failed cycle and I found it very hard to hear the news.   

However, I can tell you that it DOES get better. A couple of months on I am now embarking on a FET cycle with my 4 frosties and am now feeling a tiny glimmer of excitement about it. I'm not as excited as I was before my fresh cycle as I know now that a seemingly "perfect" cycle as mine was can still end with a negative result. But I have another chance now, and so will you.

You will feel better at some point but don't expect too much of yourself. I found that making plans for my next cycle and also doing lots of stuff (seeing friends, working on creative projects, and so on) really helped me.

Good luck - you will be a Mummy one day, and when it happens, all the pain will fade into insignificance.


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## Cazg2 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hi Gyspy Moon and all, 

I don't think you're weak at all, I have been feeling exactly the same after I began bleeding and then got a BFN 2 weeks ago. I have found that seeing a counsellor at the clinic has helped, as I just off loaded and it was great to talk to someone who just listened and also made some suggestions too and also someone I could be totally honest with. I've found it very hard seeing pregnant ladies, in fact, our neighbour has just had a baby girl, she brought her round last night and that's hard too. 

I think time is just a healer and also I've found that doing research into possible next steps has helped me. We have had 3 negantive cycles now and each time I've found it harder to cope. I do feel like I've had a loss, because even though the embies are tiny, you still feel like you're carrying 'something'. I am sending you all a huge hug, it's just not fair. Really hoping everyone is feeling a bit better soon. 

love Caroline xx


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## frith (Jun 9, 2010)

I too felt stupid for feeling like I had lost a baby, but the counseler helped me to realise that this is normal. Had my BFN almost 5 weeks ago, and still find it hard. I still cry when things get too much. But the strangest thing is that I am finding it hard to be at home. I come home from work late, I eat and sleep. But apart from that I prefer to be out, walking and cycling mostly. 

From the moment we bought this house, I always imagined I would bring my baby up here. Now I have to face the very real possibility that it may not happen.


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## starofhope (Aug 4, 2009)

Hi Gypsy moon - I think you were in my July/Aug cycle buddy thread right? I remember telling DH about your bubble and squeak. Oh honey, I know exactly how you feel. I had two BFP's last week on two separate days with two different brands of HPTs and then this morning I had to go into hospital with what I thought was a M/C. But no, it was worse - the doc said that my hcg was 2 and that if I had been pregnant (implying she thought I never had been    making me feel like I was there wasting their time with what seemed to her was 'just a period') it was either chemical or the embie was absorbed sometime last week after my BFP. I haven't stopped crying since - and don't think I will for a while. DH is being strong and is looking forward to the next cycle although he is getting angrier by teh hour - I think that is his expression of grief teh poor thing. And six months till the next cycle as we have no frosties! I thought the 2ww was bad. 

But you're not weak, GM - none of us are - we are fighters. We are fighting with nature itself to have our little babies. At the moment, I am bitter towards the women who fall preg at the drop of a hat. My sis-in-law adn best friend as examples (i will feel better towards them in time - but for now I'm allowing myselfto be angry and jealous - just for a wee while) - who have nothing but complaints about their gorgeous kids. It will pass I know, this feeling of rage at the unfairness of it all. 

And I don't think we who feel we've lost a baby with our BFN's are wrong to feel that way - I feel teh greatest  sense of loss adn disappointment and guilt. That I let my little bean down and my DH too. And my parents and family ....but all this won't help I know.  We must pick up our PMA and our hope - our best weapons in this fight - and carry on. 

I know I'm being dramatic    but thats just the way I feel right now. 

Frith - I know what you meanabout not wanting to be home. Can you get away for a few days? Even to a friends' fora  weekend? My house feels empty and too quiet...  

Loads of love to you and here is hoping that time is the healer they all promise it to be

S.O.H.


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Gypsy Moon I'm so sorry to read your news    I wish there was something I could say that would make it better but please know that you are not alone in feeling like this. These feelings are normal and to be expected after everything we go through with IF and tx. A bfn is heartbreaking and brings with it a feeling of total loss. I think you have to deal with it the best you can. Some people go back to work others need to take time off. If you feel you need a few days I think you need to let yourself have that time. You are not a fraud for having these feelings, please don't think that   

After my first bfn I really did loose it. I didn't know what to do with myself and felt I was going a little crazy. After a couple of months I decided to talk to someone as my clinic offers free councelling. If you are able to talk to someone I think it is a good idea.

I had to wait 6 months before I could have another tx with my wait and tx time I've waited 7 months and last week started bleeding 5 days before otd. I really didn't think I could feel this low again. I have spent the last week in tears. I can't seem to go out without a pg woman following me about or a family with a small baby. I just went on ** and a friend of my dh has had her 2nd baby in the time we have been trying. So once again I find myself in tears, asking why? When is it my turn? After 5 years you'd think I'd be used to pg announcements and seeing friends with their babies but it is worse and I have no idea how to turn the feelings off. I wish I did.

Star of Hope, Frith, Caz,  M2M, Lulu, dharmagrrl, Lightofhope, Cherry & Heatherby so sorry ladies   

I wish success for each of you. IF is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I hope that each of us is given the baby we have all waited so long for   

Tama x


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## dharmagrrl (Aug 25, 2010)

dear star of hope (and gypsy moon & everyone else on this thread),

i wanted to write & say how sorry i am to hear what you've been through - it's awful & i know exactly what you're going through & i really appreciated your honest post. i feel very angry at life for not having a baby. it took me years of kissing 'frogs' to find my lovely DH in 2004 and he is the kindest person in the world & here we are unable to have a child. i see lots of pregnant women outside the maternity hospital in aberdeen (where my clinic is thoughtfully placed!!!!) and they're smoking away like chimneys, or young girls smoking & pushing buggies with little ones with Mcdonalds in their hands or hear Mums moan about the troubles of raising kids who just want attention all the time & then there is my younger sister (who is v. unsympathetic) who has 1 year old twins & a girl of 2... it makes me just want to scream ... worst still is when you see/hear of neglected kids... my DH is a primary school teacher & tells me about some of the kids he teaches who so clearly aren't valued. we have thought about adoption but when i rang up to enquire with our local social services the brusque woman said that with our collective age (56+39) we would be unsuitable candidates!!!

sorry if anyone feels i'm ranting but i'm feeling particularly emotional today & have been weeping on & off because i've had a very, very heavy bleed (with clots) & cramps that make me double over & it's obvious that my icsi has failed (although the clinic insist that i test on thurs AM as planned). 

i will try to be hopeful for the future but i need to grieve first for my loss(es) & the deep unfairness of it all.

  
  

good wishes to all


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

dharmagrrl I am so very sorry     You rant away hunny    It doesn't make it go away but having a good rant and offload can make you feel a little better. xx


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## dharmagrrl (Aug 25, 2010)

thanks tama,
sending love & light to you.


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for all of the replies.  I really didn't think I would get this many replies, and it's help me to realise that everyone experiences different emotions, but we all deal with things differently, and we just have to find the best way to get through this.  I'm so glad I found Fertility Friends, as I'm not sure how I would have managed without the support I have received.

Take care everyone, we will get there in the end.


Sending loads of       to everyone.

Gypsy Moon
xxxxx


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## starofhope (Aug 4, 2009)

rant away tama - I'm only just falling short of running out in to my backyard and screaming till my lungs burst and shaking my fists.......at what? at whom? I don't know. But my arms are around you as you cry and we are all lucky those of us with lovely partners to go through with this. Its particularly hard for my DH becasue he's the one with the problems. I keep teling him we'rea  team. WE have a problem not YOU.

anyway- love to you and I'm glad there are teachers like your DP who will hopefully teach my kids one day


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

Morning all,


I have taken the decision to take a break from ** for a while.


It just seems that everyone is announcing pregnancies, births or sticking baby pictures on ** and last night I found out via the site that a friend was pregnant and she had always maintained she never ever wanted children and it came as a big shock.  I cried and cried, and thought my heart was going to break.


I cannot put myself through this heartache every time and have decided to take a break from ** whilst I come to terms with my first failed treatment and what it could potentially mean for us. Don't get me wrong I still have another two attempts and I'm going to give it my very best attempt. But I have to be realistic because age is against me.


I'm not sure how we are going to get through this but I know we have the support of great friends and family and I know we will get there whatever the outcome in the end.  So so, pleased to have found Fertility Friends as I don't think I would have coped with everything as well as I did.


I don't want my friends to feel sorry or worry about me and my DH, but it's more like protecting myself.  At the end of the day it's just life being unfair and no-one said life was fair. Perhaps it's all happening for a reason.


We are going away for the weekend, so I think a change of scenery will do me good.  Hoping this glorious weather continues.


I hope everyone else is okay.


Take Care,
Gypsy Moon
xxxxx


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## starofhope (Aug 4, 2009)

Hi Gypsy Moon

I totoally understand about your decision about **. I have done exactly the same and don't feel bad about it at all. We all have to do what is needed to preserve our sanity. I try and not hang around people I don't know well that have kids...for the moment it serves me well and I'm trying not to feel like a selfish so and so....   

Hope you enjoy your weekend.  I was in portugal for a few days and it has done wonders for DH and I. The sun is very healing as is being away from the house where so much of what has happened in teh tx has taken place....

KW33 and I want to still keep in touch with the BFN's and cancellations from teh July/Aug thread...it feel sad that we got to know so many but now they are all drifting away as there is no proper continuation thread....

alll my love
S.O.H.


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

S.O.H.


Sorry for the delay in responding.  I've had a bit of a rough time.  First thrush and then a water infection.  The antibiotics made me feel terrible.  Extremely down.  Funny how that lifted the day after I finished the tablets.


I have a counselling session on Thursday at my doctors surgery.  In a funny way I'm looking forward to it.  Think it will be a chance to get things off my chest and get things back into perspective.


Have gone back to weight watchers.  Put on eight pounds since EC.  Going to try to lose that before we start another cycle. Hoping to try again before the end of the year.  AF was on time (just one day late) so will phone unit when next AF starts.


How are you feeling?


Gypsy Moon
xxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I stopped going on ** about 6 months ago and i can honestly say it was def the right thing to do.  I found myself getting really wound up and obsessed with others and what they wrote.  It really only made my situation feel a million times worse and made me feel mentally all over the place.  So glad that i stopped going on it.  xxxx


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

******** can be a nightmare, especially when people use it to complain about their new babies crying and/or morning sickness. What wouldn't we give to be in their shoes, eh?!!


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Gypsy Moon      

It's so difficult isn't it - I'm almost definitely going to confirm a BFN tomorrow and I'm falling apart bit by bit.  I am going to try to get some counselling, as I think it will help.  Then I plan to take some time out, and go back to weightwatchers (I put on 7lbs and would like to lose a 1-1.5 stone before trying the next cycle) start cycling to work (I've missed that the last 5-6 weeks) and generally try to be kind to myself and there for DH.  Thankfully have 2 weeks of holiday left - so I'm going to plan that too...

Agree about ** - bloody nightmare.  I too am at the age when everyone is sprogging but me.  I went to a wedding last weekend, and there were lots of babies and children around.  I was a bit less "why me" as I was hopeful my time would come - but yeah - it sucks when it doesn't work out...

Take care xx


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

Aw MrsPootle, I know the feeling... got a bad feeling about mine too.   I'm also trying to lose weight but isn't it hard? It's like a vicious circle when going through treatment - feel crap, eat, gain weight, feel crap... etc. I worry that my "extra baggage" is what's making treatment not work for me.

******** has made me   again today as one old school friend who already has twin girls and two sons has been complaining of "sickness" for the past week and I just know an announcement is coming soon... not to mention all the profile pictures of scans!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

M2M  Your feeling so frustrated by someone on ** and the comments you read, the only thing you can do is stop going on there.  I stopped and i would go as far as to say that it has made me feel a lot less wound up about our situation.  Honestly you will not be missing out on anything by not going on there.  Your good friends will stay in contact and the others dont matter.  I would never go back on ** as i feel it has such a negative effect on me and how i cope with this situation. xx


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

One thing you can do on ******** (which I have been doing) is click on the little X to the upper right of the status messages to hide certain people from your "Recent Posts" page. I've done this with all the pregnant ones and those with new babies as I just can't handle it at the moment but still want to use ********. Just a tip - it means I don't get scan photos, announcements, etc. showing up.


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

That's exactly what I have done, clicked on the X to hide posts, but it still doesn't stop the one's that come as a complete surprise.  Probably best not going on there at all.


Rant coming ........... We have a few issues at work, which is causing me an enormous amount of stress.  Yesterday I was in tears and today I have felt close to tears, and extremely tired.  I'm having to work additional hours to cover for sick colleagues.  I was having a conversation with a colleague, and she mentioned to me that overtime and shift patterns changing at short notice doesn't really cause me any problems because I only have a dog to look after, I don't have children like they do.......  I am sure it was a just a passing comment not really thought about, but they all know I went through IVF because I had to ask them to cover my shifts for EC and ET, and the comment really hit a nerve.  Or maybe I'm just being too over sensitive.


I don't see the stress situation improving over the coming weeks/months, in fact I think it might just get worse.  Without going into too much information, I cannot go to my manager, and to be honest I am scared of her so I don't want to rock the boat.  But I could really do without working the extra hours and the stress whilst I am preparing for my next cycle and during the next cycle.  I am due to meet a counsellor at my gp practice, do you think I should mention something to her?


Why is life never simple..................


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Blooming **!!!    Blooming work!!!     People can be so inconsiderate, even if it is without thinking - I think I'd have lamped anyone who'd suggested that to me Gypsy Moon (and I'm usually a mellow person who wouldn't hurt a fly) - but clearly - we have to somehow make allowances for people who are so insensitive!!

I've had a really naff 24 hours.  Yesterday I was, oddly enough, feeling much more positive about things (For those that don't know - I got an early BFN on Tues that remained so yesterday - I'd been slowly bleeding since Sunday night - it's my 1st IVF).  I'd gone out, met up with a sympathetic friend, told my wider circle of friends... and got lots of support back.

Anyway, everyone had been lovely, I went on **, and stupidly - said "thanks everyone for cheering me up - I feel blessed to have such good friends".  Two minutes later my phone has a text on it saying that, it's awkward, but I think better to tell you now, that I've had my 12 week scan today and baby #2 is due next April.  Of course, I said all the right things.. but it really, really hit me hard.  Even DH, who, the last time this situation arose (I miscarried and my BF found out she was pregnant - she didn't tell me for 6 weeks) accepted it calmly, was really upset.  I think part of it is that the latest other person's pregnancy to touch my life - the two partners concerned are the most unhealthy I know - and here's me and my DH who are active and trying to live like saints - can't seem to get further than the starting blocks...

I can't seem to digest this negative cycle.  When I miscarried at the start of the year, it was awful, but there was something to focus my grief on.  This just feels like there is nothing tangable to grieve for - and I just feel guilty all the time, guilty that my body has let everyone down, guilty that I can't just instantly move on, guilty that I can't seem to get my head together. 

I worked from home today after being off Mon-Wed.  I could only manage a half day, and I'm sure I'm driving my boss around the twist!!  Although I'm hoping his supportive and patient attitude prevails...  I have gone from an excellent reliable employee to someone who can't say boo to a goose. 

I'm worried about DH too - he was really low, and it hit us this morning that, whilst usually one of us is up and the other down, there are going to be periods of quiet when neither of us can provide the other with what they need. 

The only other thing - which was a positive - is I was seeing a cousellor monthly in the lead up to IVF, and I've managed to bring forward next month's session to tomorrow.  At least I can try to find some support there.  Problem is, I'm a "doer" and not that great with being a "feeler"!  I'm always strong and there for the rest of the world... not so clever when it comes to me!!


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

I've also had the discussion about there's no one we need to worry about etc etc...tough..just cos I can't have kids doesn't mean I don't have a life..I have friends, family, my darling cats and other things to occupy my time.


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## SR3 (Sep 18, 2008)

Hi Ladies,

I've just been reading this thread... I'm so pleased its not just me feeling like this.  I just can't get my head around things right now.  I have absolutely no interest in anything.  I've been back at work nearly 2 weeks now and am just angry at everyone.  I really don't feel like anyone knows what I'm going through.... friends are very sympathic but really have no idea what I'm going through. 

Maybe I should try some councelling ??


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

*SR3*  after a failed cycle you are unfortunately in a very lonely place indeed. I felt the same as you after my first one (and am dreading next week as I'm convinced it'll be the same outcome this time around). I felt exactly the same: no interest in anything whatsoever, anger at everyone (especially pregnant women  ) and just this general feeling that nobody in the world could ever understand how I felt. It is just awful. 

So sorry you're going through it now but it's still early days after your BFN. Things did pick up again for me after several weeks, maybe a month, as I began to focus on my next TX... but there is a void there, an emptiness that cannot be filled until you get your baby... and that is the sad truth. You will get there one day and you will hold your own baby, believe that, but the journey is so difficult. Big hugs for you. 

If you think counselling will help then go for it! I have had counselling before (for something unrelated) and the best thing about it is that the person is there to listen to you, so there's no reason to feel like you're burdening them. I found that a very helpful realisation - my worry is always that I'm boring people with my woes or being a burden. So if you think non-judgemental, one-way "listening therapy" will help you then counselling would probably be a good way to go.


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

I found last week's counselling session really helped me.  Made me realise that the way I am feeling is normal.  Of course some days are better than others, but gradually I am getting less bad days.  Focusing on my next tx is also helping.  


We will all get there in the end.


xxxxx


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## starofhope (Aug 4, 2009)

Hey Gypsy!

Glad to hear you went to counselling...luckily I have a really close friend that is happy for me to tell her everything and she has been a rock in the times that even DH couldn't say the things I needed to hear...

My followup is tomorrow...I kind of know what's coming - the consultant is basically going to tell me that its really good news that I respond well to the drugs and that we have all learnt a lot from the last round of tx. And that I have to wait till feb for my next tx round...

Hope you are keeping well and that you and your DP are being good to each other...

PM me if you want to chat

All teh best and hi to the rest of you on this thread...this has been a good day for me...despite finding out that a girl at my work who is like 10years younger and only got married last year is already pregnant...but today is a good day and I'm going to hold on to it...

S.O.H.


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## cosmicgirl (Oct 2, 2009)

I've just been reading this thread tonight,  StarofHope and Gypsy Moon you were both on the July/Aug cycle buddies with me and I got a bfn too.  I actually couldn't bare to go on the cycle buddies thread for a week or so after my bfn as everyone testing around my test day got bfp's so on the HoF there was my little   surrounded by BFP's - I felt 'why not me?' and then felt guilty for being jealous of others good news.  Completely understand the failure and guilt feelings too, for days afterwards I would just break down in tears at random moments and wanted to disappear for a few months until the pain had gone - poor DH was so worried about me which made me feel even more guilty as I know how much he wants a baby too.  

The thing that's helped me move on was getting my next treatment date from the clinic, it's 6 months away (only 5 now yay!) but it's given me something to look forward to.  Plus I'm at my happiest when I'm planning and list writing (yes very anal I know   ) so I  bought a Zita West book and I've been planning what we can do to improve our chances next time.  Still feel incredibly sad about it and very scared we may never have a bubba but the crying now is far less frequent as I'm determined to go into the next cycle with PMA because it WILL work   

As for ********, the baby announcements don't get me it's all the flippin' moaning about morning sickness, sleepless nights and 'one crying baby free to a good home' posts that make me avoid it for weeks at a time, never knew about the little x to stop updates appearing think I'll be making use of that next time I'm on there.

Anyway keep strong ladies I'm sure our time will come soon and we'll all get to be mummies one day


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

There should be a dislike button on ******** shouldn't there...it's amazing how many people moan about the LO's but then they probably haven't gone through IF and I suppose that everyone can get fraught at times even us x


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

Ooh yes one of my friends posted the other day with something along the lines of "Free crying baby to a good home".   

It's really tempting sometimes to post "I'll have him if you don't want him anymore" but it would cause more trouble than it's worth!


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

I had a counselling session last week and found it really helpful, it was with someone who has supported me in the lead up to my 1st cycle.  I also have one lined up at the hospital at the end of the month - which I think will help when there is a bit of distance between me and the BFN!  I think it's nice to just realise that the mood swings / ups and downs are perfectly normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about being like that.  I was also encouraged to do something positive, so I lit a candle in our local cathedral as a symbol of hope for me and DH.  I'm not particularly religious but it helped draw a line under it and start to move on.

Probably will begin another cycle early next year - could do on Dec/Jan, but last year Xmas was very stressful as I had a miscarriage, so I believe that I deserve a bit of kindness and a break before the next cycle.  Hopefully, this will work out as a Feb/Mar one next year.

   to all!


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## starofhope (Aug 4, 2009)

Hey guys

nice to know ppl still posting on this thread

Cosmicgirl...hey hun, I totally remember PM'ing you on the July/Aug thread...can't believe all that we went through...sometimes it feels like a dream. Am getting my first AF today or tomorrow after the MC bleed and I thought I was ok with it but when I went to the loo, my heart just plummeted...dunno why...I KNOW I can't get pg naturally...why the disappointment like its a new thing? I envy DH the absence of hte monthly reminder of my BFN! But your post did make me smile...I was really upset about the 6 month wait (are you in the Jan/Feb/Mar cycle as well then?) but reading your post and how positive you are, has given me a lift! Thank you. Btw, which zita west book? I'm totally like you, I like making lists and only feel good when I'm doing something solution-oriented...not a waiting kind of person!

Mrs pootle...glad your counselling went ok...if i'm still up and downing in moods by november, I'm going to go see somebody. I don't think its healthy being happy one minute and then wanting to smack the woman at work complaining about her baby the next...

loads of PMA and hugs to you all in the wait...

S.O.H.
xxx


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hi Ladies,

I just want to say how i completely sympathise with you all.
I had a very tough 3 years of trying for a baby , at times i dont know how i managed to get out of bed and carry on.
It got so bad for me at times that my marriage suffered and i just couldnt see a light at the end of the tunnel.
the only thing that helped me in the end was by taking time out to go out with my hubby and friends and act like i was 18 again which involved fun night out, lots of alcohol and actually being me again instead of the frantic woman i had become.
I decided to give it another go while i was more relaxed and it finaly worked, i know have a beautiful little boy.

Ladies if you have the finances and can cope emotionaly just keep going.  At times i never thought it would work for me but i was determined i was gonna be a Mummy.
Please dont give up your dream, as soon as you hold your new born you realise just how special they are and that all the hardwork is so worth it.

The one thing unfortunately that i have to admit is that infertility never leaves your thoughts.  I am now at the stage where all of my toddler group friends are announcing their second pregnancies and it is hurting like hell.
Years ago i can remember reading a thread on here from a woman that was really upset because she wanted another baby and i can remember reading and thinking 'for gods sake woman i would be over the moon if i could just be blessed with one baby!!'
Little did i know that i would be feeling exactly the same as her !
Unless you go through it no one can ever understand how devastating the whole thing is.
It has completely changed me as a person and its all i think of from morning till bed time.

My son is my world and how ever hard the process is i WILL do it all again.

Please please dont give up hope.
My thoughts are with you all.

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## butsy (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi ladies,

thank you for sharing your thoughts here - its heartbreaking to read, but helps so much to know I'm not alone.  

My BFN was confirmed yesterday by blood test.  Had my first ever BFP on 1st Oct, then tested again on 5th and BFN.  Transferred 2 5-day blasts of good quality and it seems I still can't hang onto them.

I'm still in shock really, as I always believed that once I got to that stage, our problems would be over (I mean, how many problems should one couple have?).  But then I guess that's just the hand we've been dealt.  I'm not a cryer really (abnormally so) and have only had one teary moment.  Most of the time I think what I'm feeling is guilt and fear.  I feel like I've done something really wrong (rational mind knows this isn't true) and that all my friends who have managed to conceive are somehow rewarded for being paragons of virtue and clean living, while I'm being punished for being, I don't know, a bit grubby? lazy? unhealthy?  Which is ridiculous, because rationally, I know my lifestyle has become healthier than anyone's because of the IF! (have drunk and smoked more than my fair share in the past though - and last night, but can forgive myself for that).

The fear (when I connect with it - more like abject terror) is that we'll never be parents.  I just can't get my head around it.  Really don't know if we can live a fulfilled life without children in it.  I'm sure we'll get there, but the idea of it fills me with fear at the moment.

For me, Buddhist ideas about mindfulness are really helpful at times like these (I'm not a Buddist - I'm a therapist!).  The idea of acceptance and letting go.  the majority of all suffering is fighting against whatever it is you're experiencing.  Everything passes, including your emotions.  The idea is not to deny your distress, but accept it, shake hands with it, and allow it to pass.  Because it will.  There are various breathing/meditation exercises that can help with this and I try to practise everyday (not been very good at this lately!).  Don't judge yourself for feeling a certain way - everything you are feeling is perfectly normal - not pleasant, but normal.

Try yoga, meditation, or even just being aware, in the moment without judging of your thoughts and feelings, and let them go (not push them away).  

Finally, look up John Kabat Zin on Google for more info...

hope that doesn't sound too crazy?

B xx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Butsy I am so very sorry to hear about the blood test results for this cycle     There are really no words that can help at this time but wanted you to know how sorry I am and to send you a huge cyber    I don't think any of those ideas sound crazy. Everyone is every different in how they deal with things and if this helps you then I think it is a very good idea. Once again I am very sorry xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

I can empathise with everything each of you ladies are experiencing, but my biggest problem is - where next?
We've had 4 failed cycles and we are both are unexplained and I just don't know what to do next
I can't keep going down the same road incase we keep getting the same results.
We can't afford to keep going financially but more emotionally!
My biggest fear is THE FUTURE!


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Hello Scouse    It is so very hard to think about the future and I really don't have any wise words because I struggle with that every day too. Is there anything that showed up when you had some immune blood tests done? I know you said you are unsure about the level 2 tests but maybe worth looking at if you feel it's right for you. I am going to do them just to rule things out. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this it is a living nightmare      xx


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

Good Evening Ladies,

I hope you dont mind me joining you xx  I recognise some ladies on here from other threads and I have had a quick read of someof your posts x

Firstly can I sau how very I am for those of you that have experienced negative cycles or have lost a much wanted baby, it truly is the hardest thing that you have to go through x

As you will see from my signiture I have been on this treatment roller coaster for 5 1/2 years.  I expereinced 9 months of clomid, 3 goes at IUI and we began the IVF journey in June this year!  We were extremely lucky and fell first go you cannot imagine the delight finally we had made it all our dreams had come true!!  Like most couples you read about on this forum we got very carried away, thinking of names, sharing our news with the family, looking at cots (looking back how naive were we).  It was and is one of greatest ever memories or feelings telling my parents that they were going to be grandparents for the first time!!  

08.09.10 we go to our first scan, very excited and nervous cant believe we are going to see our baby, but there was notinh to see, just a big empty sac of nothing, to her credit the nurse was very kind and tried not to make us panic and booked us in the following week suggesting that it might just be too ealry.  

16.09.10 I knew what was going to happen I knew it would be bad news and part of me believes they give you a week to come to terms with it. Our fears were confirmed and that was that the bubble had burst, we went to the Gp and I spiralled into to tears and we were referred to the EPU on the 20th.

20.09.10 - scan confirms that yes we had miscarried - like we didn't know (here is when the bitterness starts).  I am given 3 options and we opt for the ERPC (surgery) and Im booked in for the 23rd.  The procedure went well nothing unusual and came home that evening. 

Last week all was OK I returned to work thinking that in the new year we will try again I still have 2 blasts waiting for me!!

Friday (01.10.10) I  return to the office from London and as I am walking to the office Im feel a gush I go to the loo and work and OMG so muc blood (sorry TMI) This is a shock as I have barely bled and, I was wearing jeans, sanitary towle and the blood was half way down my leg,!!  I left the ofice and changed and then nothing no more bleeding!

04.10.10 - Rushed to hosiptal with severe cleeding I passed out with pain and blood loss apprently it turns out that not all was emoved at the first ERPC, so had to go through the horrific ordeal of of a medicated ERPC, its one of the worst things I have ever experienced and scared me very much.  I went back to work yesterday but Im emotionally I am very erratic, I go from being very upset to panicked and scared that can I do it again will it happen again.  I also feel lonely through no fault of my DH or family who are wonderful.  Its just that lives are contiuning and I cannot move on I was doing well until the events of Monday and now I am very bitter, sad, angry and lonely.  

Im so so sorry for the me post but I needed to write it dwn

Thanks ladies


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Victoria I am so so sorry for your suffering   
You would think us ladies had suffered enough trying to get pregnant.  I can't offer any words that will take away your pain but can offer love, support and prayers.
Tama all tests i've ever had have come back as normal.
Just had load of tests checking thyroid, pituitary and hormone levels but cons not convinced these will help even if the come back as 'abnormal'
So the only tests left are the level2 - but they cost so much and i would have to travel to london for each appoinment.  I haven't the money or strength at this point.  But maybe in the future?  Or donor eggs?
This is why i'm struggling soooooooooo much - I can't seem to decide on anything.
I would be really interested hearing about your app/tests/results etc


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

Hi All, Hey Victoriag feel like we are old friends now   

Well like Victoriag we had the horror that is an empty sac scan last week, reading all the posts on this thread it seems like we are all feeling the same way lost, hurt, despair, angry, emotional, empty and alone.  The thing is though we are not alone we are all in the same boat just in various situations. Although our DH's, DP's and family are a support it's different for us as we have the physical reminders all the time, I still have a bloated tummy huge sore boobs and all my pregnancy symptoms and to add insult to injury I did a HPT test this afternoon (bizarrely hoping for a negative) so we at least knew that things were starting to happen but instead it came up a BFP in about 3 seconds, I've been off the crinone for about a week and am waiting for a natural MC but I'm starting to think maybe a D&C would be better as at least that bit would be over with.  This is so hard and I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't come on here so much but it's actually our therapy isn't it where else can you talk to others who completely understand.  I have a very strong PMA but I'll be honest it's waivering a bit this week!!!  

Anyway love and hugs to all x x x


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

Hey Jebby, 

I lost all PMA on Monday and struggling to get it back!!  Is a D&C the best way to move on?  Im not so sure based on what happened to me this week, but you are the only one that can decide that Im afraid my lovely xxx

Its nice to see you on here in the nicest possible way and I to considered not checking on here so muc but you're right again in what you say that this is our therapy, and as I have said to you I do get comfort that Im not the only one going through this.  

Although there are so many good reasons to go through this treatment I dont like what I have become because of it, Im bitter, v v jealous and angry I don't believe I was like this before.  

I have read on here that ** is a denitie consideration to stop and I feel the same as many ladies on here taht you begrudge (not sure thats the right word) others for getting on with their livess I want to say to them do you have any idea what I had had togo through just this week!!  

We are all down but so not out we will go on and get there in the end(there is some PMA there) and become parents in one way or another the problem is we want it NOW!!! and why shsouldn't we everyone else does!!

Scouse - thanks for your kind words xxx

I think I may start a diary and wirte things down daily my I think it will be good for me, I dont fancy counceling

V
xxx


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

Hey, having a really crap day today can't stop crying not sure where it's all come from and I've upset my DH as I got all upset at him going in the garden all day and made him feel really guilty, what a complete selfish nutter I am it's not like he was off to the pub really should've just put my wellies on and gone out to help if I wanted to be with him so much feel like a complete **** now! I know I'll probably be ok again tomorrow, I like the idea of a diary I think thats a good idea Victoriag, as for the D&C I just don't know I don't think any way is easy is it?!  Wouldn't it be nice to just close your eyes and open them to be somewhere in the future when everything is ok but unfortunately this isn't going to happen so we'll plod through all this upset and pop out the other side of it even stronger and hopefully not too far away from our happiness      

Love and hugs x x x x x


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

I'm so sorry jebby and victoria that you are both struggling - and i know its no consolation when i say -so am i!
The journal really helped me to begin with but then i got really frustrated because i was writing the same feelings/ emotions every day.  And even now if i was writing i would use the same adjectives: pain, frustratio, fear, anger, jealousy.........etc

I really believe the only way thro it is to survive every hour and be pleased with yourself, then every day, week, month etc but be good and kind to yourself!
big hugs to everyone in pain


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

Hey ladies, 

Currently sipping a very chilled glass of wine, my puppy is giving me a lovey cuddle on the sofa, strictly is on and I have just spent a fortune in the Laura Ashley sale (have moved to the country) whihc just had to be done as their curtains in there are to die for!!  So I am feeling slightly better today xxx

Thinking about booking a very nice holiday in the new year but not sure just looking at the moment as feel I need something to look forward to!

Have a lovely evening ladies

xxx


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

Thanks scouse this really is the pits and it feels like everyday we're further away from what we had but actually it's a step closer to what we will have hey?

Victoriag I like your thinking hun and Laura Ashley do have the best curtains, bedding, wallpaper everything good on you for going out and treating yourself    having a slightly better day think we just reached the pit of our emotions yesterday so hopefully we can start to pick ourselves up from here.

love and hugs j  xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Vic what a lovely picture you paint.......it will be even lovelier with all your laura ashley soft furnishings!!!!

Jebby I think I'm actually trying to accept my future as it is now..and that is what i'm finding so difficult.  But then I'm struggling with making any decision!


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

it was a lovely picture scouse if not a little hazy from the wine!

My parents have come over today for dinner which was lovely and back to reality tomorrow with work here to  good andquick week at work!

I feel exhausted tonihgt and not really done anything I just think that everything is just so difficult and hard that it tires you!

I hope you had a lovely evening ladies.


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

emotionally drained........
Nos da (goodnight)


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

I'm so glad that we are still using the thread I started a few weeks back.  It seems so long ago that I posted my first message.  Beginning to feel a bit stronger.  Have done a number of positive things since my -tive test result.


1) Stood up to my boss.  Normally I would have just gone home and had a good cry, but I thought enough was enough and faced up to her.
2) Started counselling sessions at GP practice.  Only happens once a month but it helps to talk to someone else who isn't wrapped up in all of this.
3) Told work I was no longer prepared to work the extra hours to cover missing colleagues, especially as I have been diagnosed as depressed and feel so tired all the time.  Want to give myself the best start for my next round of IVF drugs.
4) Had my first acupuncture session on Saturday.  Was hoping it would be more relaxing but if it makes me feel better, and prepares me for IVF I'll carry on with it.


Just got to tackle my over eating, which is really comfort eating.  


The good days are beginning to out number the bad days.  I think knowing that I'm about to try again is helping.  Waiting for AF to appear at the end of this week, then I will phone OFU and get the ball rolling.


Hoping everyone else is feeling okay today.


Lots of love,
Gypsy Moon
xxxx


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## butsy (Sep 25, 2008)

hello,

glad to see some of you are slowly getting through this.  I'm still feeling awful - kind of dread, guilt horrible feeling.  Went back to work today and really didn't think I'd manage it. But stayed all day, and was good to do something structured, rather than staring into space and drinking wine all day (works for a bit, but not a long term strategy!).  I'm so lucky, I've had loads of support, and no one expects me to be there, so I'm under no pressure.

DH has been lovely to - did all the gardening I was supposed to do, and made me a lovely dinner!

It all helps, but I still feel like crap. starting to believe it will pass though.  Finding decisions difficult - but i think that will get easier.  Still all so new, maybe another week will make all the difference.

    to you all

B xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Gypsy Moon and butsy well done for going back to work!  And epsec GM for standing up for yourself!
I have actually taken time out after our last -ve (our 4th) and have work's support which relieves the guilt a little.
I always 'coped' with a negative by going back to work and planning next cycle to try and 'forget'
This time as I don't know if there will be another I'm finding this time V diff.  Have high bp and put on meds and work is a political nightmare, so been told best to stay away!

Sometimes I wish we all lived closer so we could meet up and pour our hearst out......... I too butsy am surrounded by people who care but 'don't really' underdtand!
Big hugs to you all X


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

Evening all, 

Feel rubbish tonight no reason for it just do!  Im sick of bleeding as constant reminder that I had a misscarriage and life is poo! 

Thats it really looking forward to the weekend and getting a lie in as still not sleeping which is probably why Im in a bad mood OMG I need to snap out of this!!!

Butsy well done for going back to work its so difficult to readjust but great that your work is being supportive xx

GM - check you out well done for standing up for yourself youmust feel all proud of yourself x

Jebby - how you doing today poppet??

V 

XX


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

hey all, GM glad to hear you are sticking up for yourself hun don't take any more crap than you already have   I've had accupunctue on and off for years and it does make a difference I made the decision a year and half ago to do the frist cycle of IVF without it to see how my body reacted without anything extra and we did ok up until the final hurdle but this time I'm going to have it all the way through they say it increases your chance by another 25% so it's defo worth a go, plus it takes a good 5 or 6 sessions to really make a difference to how you feel so keep with it hun.

I'm better today Victoriag than I have been I had my cousins little boy over night last night as although I haven't for the last few weeks I've looked after him every Tuesday since he was 6 months so that his Mum can work he's 3 now, I did it for one of my other cousins too I had her little boy every morning from 6 months until he started school and he's now 7 it's weird having never had my own but I'm always the first person everyone trusts with there children my friends call me Mary Poppins! Alfie really cheered me up last night he's a proper little character and very chatty for his age it's strange you think it would hurt more having someone else's children around but for me I find it comforting and love it that people trust me with their children implicitly I've always been around children and been feeding and changing babies for over 20 years, it was weird I was giving Alfie a cuddle getting him off to sleep last night and it occured to me I used to get his dad to sleep the same way when I was about 9 thats bizarre!! Everyone always says when I do have my own it'll be second nature as I've always got someones child to look after!

I'm going to see my GP Thursday hopefully (nightmare getting appointments you have to ring on the day) and going to ask for a blood test to see where the HCG levels are at as if they are still high and it looks like it will be some time before I actually physically miscarry I'm considering other options as I'm not sure I can endure weeks of waiting for nature to take it's course.

Scouse you're right it would be nice if everyone could meet face to face as people try to understand but they don't really get it, I know some people think I wasn't really pregnant which is hard to take but I think they just don't have a clue it's not their fault! My best friend is a rock and although she has an 8 month old she lost one before that so she gets it more than most and she gets so angry when people's sympathy is non existant, I think it gets to her more than it gets to me!!

Anyway bit of an essay tonight girls sorry for blathering on a bit....well here's to tomorrow lets hope we all make a tiny step forward love and hugs night jebby x x x x


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

jebby and victoria just wanted to send you both big    and say 'you're not alone' and we all understand your pain!

I'm off to a friend's house for tea and know she 'understands' altho she has a little boy of her own - but she knows what it means to me AND her little one was born at 27 weeks so they had a real struggle at the begiining but thank God he is now a perfect, healthy and very clever little boy!  He's already challenged me to some Mario Bro game - never tried it in my life.  Should be an interesting eve.
Hope you days get better and you all have a good night! X


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## Victoriag (Jul 6, 2010)

Hello lovely ladies how are you?
Jusst thought I would check in and let you know that Im feeling loads better!  I have finally stopped bleeding, Yay!!  and had a fab weekend and looking forward rather than looking back and thinking what might hve been!!

My DH is an avid Arsenal fan and once or twice a year I go with him, don't worry ladies I have an alterior (spelling?) motive and this time we popped into central London, covent garden for a little mooch in the UGG shop (love love UGGs) and then we just so happened to stumble on Jamie Olivers Italien os we had something to eat in ther and it was FAB!!  The best part was DH after a couple of vinos DH telling me that he thought that I was amazing for being so strong and that he felt that the psotive from this whole experience is that he loves me more and has brought us closer!!  Awww love him!!!!

So ladies after all we have been and are going through I think that I am very grateful for I have a great home, wonderful family and GORGE Hubby!!!

Chin up ladies we will get there evetually its meant to be!!!

LOL V 
XXXX


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## Gypsy Moon (Feb 20, 2010)

Hello,


It's been a while since I last posted on this thread and I thought I would check in to see how everyone is getting on.  Is it getting easier for you?


I've been to the counsellor for a second appointment and she says I am still depressed.  I am due to start D/R tomorrow and I'm worried because one of the side effects of the drug I have been prescribed is that my depression could get worse.  Oh well, will just have to wait and see what happens and be easier on myself.


Hope everyone is okay.


Sending loads of       .


Gypsy Moon
xxxx


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