# WHAT IS IT WITH ME ATTRACTING "BABY TALK" ?????



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Grrrrrrrrr

I am soooooo angry with the world ................... again.  I feel sooooo down and such a failure.

As if my weekend on Saturday night wasn't bad enough ..... I thought I'd treat myself to a hair-do (1st one in 3 years!) and what was the first "small talk" question

you guessed it!  "so, have you got children ..... or?"    I very quickly and abruptly replied "no" - there's those defences going up again!

Then, the hairdressers preceeded to gather in the corner and talk babies as one of the girls was pg.

Why is life so cruel that if IF wasn't bad enough ..... the man upstairs then makes you face all this cr*p when you're feeling at your most vulnerable?

How do you deal with this 24/7 anger and constant sadness?  I've been feeling like this for 7 years, I feel as if I'm losing my life to this and its really getting me down.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Love
Gill x


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Gill
It does seem that these things all pile up at once (i'm sure someone up there is having a good laugh at my expense) 

Have you thought about going to see one to talk through your feelings and possibly find ways of coping so that it doesn't effect your emotional and physical health so much? I have been to both counselling and hypnotherapy and feel so much better for both - like I am able to function again.

Anyway you don't want to listen to me wittering on. You rant and rave here as much as you want or need. 
Take care hun

Deb


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Gill
Gill you are entitled to be angry....its understandable because you feel so hurt and disappointed that your lives hasn't gone as you both planned...
You are not asking for alot you only want to be part of what the majority of women in this country have and that is a family..so if this doesn't happen then we are bound to feel angry and a failure....and Gill this emotion is normal...
So when you come across people in all situations the same old flipping questions are asked, because thats one of the topics that most people have in common...sadly for us because its like a stab in the heart and not everyone understands...This makes it so difficult because its like another slap in the face...
I now tell people I am unable to have them and i say it with confidence and that usually shuts most people up....and its not that i want to make anyone feel uncomfortable!!! i suppose in my own way i am changing the subject because ' i don't want to hear it anymore'. Unless i am in control of my feelings and i can handle converstations about children then that choice is mine because i want to control me and not come away feeling worse than when i walked in the door....Very very hard to close your mind off to it, i know!!..
When i was upset the other day my friend turned around to me and said 'you are still angry and this will be there for a long time'....i just think the anger is less but we are bound to feel it at given times...I think there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger so Gill maybe you need to find an outlet to express your feelings and that is a good counsellor....i am sure that will be a positive thing. You can only gain from this, so that in time with this guidance you can gain some of your life back....
All the best love astridxxx


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

It is amazing how people think it's okay to ask 'have you got children' and then ask 'why not?'. Do we ask them 'Do you have a sex life?', 'Are you married, and if not, why not?' Unfortunately 'have you got children' is a 'normal' question for people to ask and it's just because we're so raw about the whole IF issue that it affects us so badly. 

I just say 'we are unable to have children', clenching my teeth and trying not to cry. One of my colleagues then asked 'have you considered alternatives' and I said 'yes we have and they haven't worked'. She left it at that. 

I have had one session with a IF counsellor, at the clinic I had my IVF cycle at. She was really good, just listened while I talked and cried for an hour and only gave advice when I asked for some. It was so good to just let it all out with someone who wasn't going to judge me or try and interject with 'oh a friend of mine stopped trying and then she fell pregnant'. 

Good luck Gill, it seems you are really having a hard week. No-one deserves to be put through this. Just remember 'what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger'. A really strange saying, but maybe it'll help.

Katherine


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Know how you feel, I had to put up with loads of the same questions while I was on hol this year. It was weird cos people never used to ask, but now I guess I look like I am of the age where I might have kids. Again, people were full of stories about how their friends stopped trying and after 10 years had a baby miraculously.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Gill big huge hugs to you hon

It seems to be a recurrent theme the asking about kids question quickly followed by the miracle stories - pah! Its not what anyone wants to hear when you are already struggling coming to terms with a childless future!

I really felt for you when you said all the other haridressers gathered together to talk about pregnancy - that must have made you feel so isolated.

Thats the thing isn't it - the isolation. It is isolating being in our situation, more so when people ask awkward questions about something that usually comes naturally to most other people. Why do they feel the need to question? Human nature makes people curious, or just down right nosey in some cases, grrrr! And I HATE how people group together and they are all discussing pregnancy and things, that really does my head in!  

When I go to the hairdressers now I take a magazine with me and sit with my nose in it so I don't have to listen to the offending questions and be expected to answer. This is a distraction technique that works, even if it means its a tool that helps me hold it together until I get home.

I empathise with you Gill, I really do.
Lots of love to you
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Emcee
How are you?
I also take my magazine/ book with me when i also go to the haridressers and blank out all the conversation...Gill it is worth a thought....
love astridxx


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

I had all this from my DF's Stepmum yesterday, Having a baby wasn't the "be all and end all" of life (she herself *chose * not to as she was afriad of passing epilepsy on to her child. I told her there was a world of difference between choosing not to have a child and having that choice taken away from you), besides, she knew someone who was infertile for 14 years and then got pg and I'm probably making it hard for myself by "trying too hard" blah de blah and there are so many children wanting good homes, why don't we stop trying and adopt?

I ended up in tears after she'd gone, She meant well but all she did was say the things that hurt the most. I told her we weren't ready to move on to adoption as we hadn't exhausted all avenues of having our own child. She pointed out that there is no way we could afford IVF (no savings, no credit facilities). I told her we would get 1 IVF try on the NHS. But there was a 3 year waiting list. She said that I would be 37 by that point and it would be less likely to work. and anyway "do we feel able to bring up a baby" - that question hurts the most. What makes us so different that having a baby is such an impossible dream for us.

My mother is even worse. She says I just have to "accept" it and "not spread my bitterness and jealousy to others". She then reminds me how my cousin is also infertile and so was one of my aunties (as if knowing that helps) and goes on to eulogise over my other cousin's wife who has just had her first baby. I have told her I don't want to know.


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

Hi Kate

Ouch, why is it family feel they can speak their minds and hurt us so much? I'm sure they are trying to be helpful, but they can never understand the pain they cause. I feel for you having two such insensitive women in your life. 

BTW the IVF waiting list isn't 3 years, so don't give up hope. The waiting list depends on so many things and can be very short. And how dare she ask if you 'feel able to bring up a baby'! What qualifies anyone to bring up a baby and why should someone who is able to fall pregnant naturally be more able to bring up a baby than anyone who isn't able to fall pregnant naturally. Grrrrrrrrrr. 

Best I go out for a cycle now because I need to burn off all this excess energy.

Regards
Katherine


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## overthemoon.com (Mar 30, 2006)

I am relieved there are other people that feel like this. All this time I thought i was going mad. YES - people can be very insensitive. I just cannot be happy when people call me & say "guess whos pregnant" I feel like screaming from my rooftop that im not interested. 

I loved reading about actually telling people straight why you havent got kiddies,.. you are right, that soon shuts them up! 

I tried to speak to my mum about it the other day, Again, she tries to understand but I just get wound up (i dont mean to) I was trying to tell her how much it affects me, & how i think about it constantly, like I do.

Just when it has left your mind, a pregnant lady walks past, or there is a newly born baby in a shop. Also,  Once you see 1 pregnant women you always see like 5 more that day !

I dont know, I have probably made you even more down, Im sorry, that was no way my intention.

I wish I could wave a magic wand & all of this would just dissapear, that we can lead normal life where we could do what is natural to everyone every other woman. I have known for 5 years now & im sorry to say it has bever gotton easier. I DO think though I have a very negative attitude about it, I need to seek help, maybe councilling ?

Wish you luck & love x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI lisa
I don't think that you are negative in anyway, but being honest and showing your true inner feelings. What comes with infertility is just pain and anguish and so it is natural to be feeling the way you do. So please you are not alone and you have come to the right place to share things.
As far as families and friends are concerned, it is hard to get them to understand. I often felt just total frustration at one time and this lead me to feel very unhappy and isolated..sometimes i wanted to cry and shout for my mum to just see it from my angle and get a glimpse of my anguish. Eventually i understood in the end that it was also difficult for her to see me feeling so much sadness and that she couldn't do nothing about it. However as time as gone by, i now choose to speak to certain people that do show empathy and understand me. I am not going to chat to someone where it falls on deaf ears and after two minutes they get on with their life. So it was about protecting myself from further hurt.
Have you thought further about seeking counselling? i recently went to an infertility workshop and it was the best thing i could ever have done. It was about being with others in the same situation and without them i don't think i would have come this far....both counselling and this workshop has changed my thought processes and helped me find myself again. I know Lisa that it doesn't take away the pain, but it helps you to take control and find the old you again.
You know where we are if you want to chat...
lots of love astridx
love astridx


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