# Feeling worse not better



## shellspain (Oct 29, 2007)

After 2 failed IVF (own egg and donor egg), major op to remove large ovarian cyst and fallopian tubes and discovery that all the endo they removed during my op (was adhered all over my intestines etc) came back within 6 mths it was recommended that I do not try IVF again as the endo is so bad it would be very unlikely that I would conceive.

This all came to a head over a year ago and I was devastated. Really didnt know how I could continue living, in time I started to pick up and got a new job and felt quite motivated again. My relationship with my OH has been the best it has been in years, we were lucky that the whole infertility nightmare brought us much closer together. I realise that I am very fortunate but lately i feel like the grieving process has started again. We have lost contact with most of our friends as I found it hard to cope with being around their children, I avoid being around 'happy familiies' as much as I can.  The usual television adverts being aimed at Mums breaks my heart. I find it getting really bitter about everything

I know this is all completely normal as I have been through this many times during our infertility journey but will it ever completely go away?? I am also feeling a lot of guilt that I cant give my OH what he so deserves.

I honestly feel like I have stopped living and that I merely just exist in a limbo of desperation . I have tried keeping busy, taking up new hobbies all the usual things but I feel like im living in some childless bubble and that Im not part of the rest of the normal world.


----------



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Shellspain   

I wish I had a magic wand for us all I really do.  Like you although I know there will never be any babies on the horizon (and have known for a while now    ) I still get days and periods where it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I seem to just plod my way through these times and somehow get through it without me actually realising it    Keeping busy, hobbies etc - yes theres nothing new I can tell you to do there but they must do some good I guess.

I find the whole exclusion of not being in the mummy club to much to bear at times - struggled last week when I was on holiday seeing all the familys having such fun on the beach - something I know I cant have and the sadness that I never will ever be part of that club.

But - we have to somehow move forward and I know that doesnt happen easily.  Please dont feel guilt - you tried so very hard and you are allowed to feel angry fed up and at war with the world because it didnt work - but you did try hun.

You have a great relationship and that really is a blessing.

Stay strong and keep chatting to us on here as we all do understand where you are coming from.

Big hugs,

Debs xxx


----------



## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hey shellspain & Debs

could't read n run - - one minute we think we're fine -then its ''wham' a reminder here or there, friends with babies / pg freinds etc etc

i'm trying so hard to get my head round the fact i will never be a natural mum - had a complete wobble yesterday as was our wedding anniversary, looking through the pics and i thought '' who will i leave these to  - who will look on these pics in 50 years and say ''thats my mum n dad'' - completely lost it.

it really is one day at a  time isn't it? hubby is all guns blazing for adoption, but i just need a bit of time.

shellspain - -am with you in the fact that the ivf journey has made me & hubby so close, he truly is my soul mate and don't know where i would be without him. 

sam xx


----------

