# Biting and pinching



## Little Yellow Bird (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi Ladies. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. 
Our two lovely little girls came home for good 6 days ago. 
The youngest aged 21 months has started to bite and pinch DH. 
He is getting very frustrated as he doesn't know how to deal with it and you can't reason with a 21 month old !
Generally she doesn't seem to realise she's done anything wrong but occasionally she bares her teeth before she does it so appears to know what she is doing. 

Anyone got any suggestions why she may be doing this, how to deal with this or what we can do to try to get her to stop ??

LYB


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Hi, congratulations on your new family!

This is going to sound flippant but bear with me.  When you are training dogs you ignore undesirable behaviour and reward desirable behaviour, the theory being that dogs (and children) thrive on attention, even negative attention.  I mentioned this to our Health Visitor and whilst she's not a dog person she agreed that it works as well with children as it does for dogs.  

I can't say why your LO is doing this, could be many reasons, she could be frustrated, confused, angry, generally acting out.  She might not know she is doing wrong and she certainly isn't doing it to me mean or nasty, she just doesn't understand the consequence of her actions but is looking for a reaction.

I find it really hard to stay calm when our BB (29 months) does things like slap or occasionally bite but it's really the best way, calmly telling him that it's not acceptable but not making a huge fuss because even negative responses are still a response and will likely make him do it even more.  

Of course, I am anything but a child behaviour expert and that's just my thoughts.  I wonder if she's not used to having a male figure in her life so is confused?  Is just bonded more with you so doesn't like his attention, or even that she has bonded more with him so craves his attention?  (I find this, BB plays up more for DH but usually because he wants his undivided attention and doesn't always get it).

Just my two penneth, lots more experienced peeps here, we've only been placed for 9 weeks, still learning!    I find BB pinches me under my arm when I am holding him on my hip, just little pinches but it really hurts! It's not even a conscious thing, he does it absent mindedly. 

Much good luck, and as someone told me, everything is a phase, it won't last and you will find a way to deal with it that works eventually!  xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Congratulations on your daughters.  What a brilliant and completely exhausting time for you!

Just a few suggestions which may or may not help you.

I would try not to let her see that it worries you too much, although I know it's hard and biting in particular can really hurt even with a little one.  I think when I look back at our own daughter's behaviour after placement, we were too stern with her.  She may be testing whether you'll keep her, she may be testing boundaries, she may just be testing how you're going to react.  At that age depending on maturity she may just be a little rough.  My 13 month old, who seems to have emotional development remarkably near his actual age for a relatively newly placed child, bites all the time, and he doesn't understand it yet.  We just do a no, and remove his teeth.  For a while, if we tickled him he'd let go, but that turned into a bit of a game to him and in retrospect I'm not sure it was a good idea!  You're probably right that at 21 months she is probably aware she's doing something she shouldn't be.

Our daughter was 19 months at placement and she had a lot of behaviours that basically came down to hurting me, hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, pulling hair etc.  I'd be inclined to try gently stopping her (and I know it's hard with biting, I have an almost three year old who at times bites very hard and won't let go) sitting her down for a bit of quiet time with you (or hubby if it's him getting the behaviour) and explaining that biting hurts, and that you need to teach her to be gentle.  The single thing that seems to have made the biggest difference with Wyxling was a fairly recent suggestion, that when she's hurt someone, she should try and be gentle with them.  The theory being that it helps her avoid feeling shame and getting into the mentality that "she is bad" and it repairs the relationship.  You could encourage her to do gentle things like stroking, etc, and if she'll allow you, show her by stroking her hair, or if she's not comfortable with that yet, maybe hubby could stroke your hair and encourage her to do that.  We were told that this can help teach toddlers the beginnings of empathy.  I have also had some luck very recently with stroking her with what she's trying to hurt me.  If she bites, I stroke her cheek, although I may also have to contain a very much fighting toddler at the same time one learns how.  If she's pulling hair, I stroke her hands while I attempt to untangle them, kicking, I tend to hold her feet so she can't kick me, but not stop them moving, and stroke her feet, and tell her she's got lovely big strong legs, but they're for riding bikes, climbing etc, not for kicking Mummy, and again, that we have to teach her to be gentle.  I'd also suggest giving lots of praise for any behaviour which is gentle, whether it's a nice cuddle for a sibling, a gentle kiss, or taking something nicely instead of grabbing.  Again, we seem to be getting a really positive response from this, in particular with my daughter I focus on her hands, that they're kind and gentle, and delicate.  She's also plagued with eczema and so am I so we put cream on each other's hands and feet - I find she's more settled with me doing that when the TV is on.

You're absolutely right that you can't reason with a 21 month old, although despite knowing that I still find myself trying with my 2 1/2 year old at times, and it never works!  She's not being malicious, she's simply too young, she has no empathy yet, and I know that's hard to keep in mind some times because it can really feel quite personal, especially when a child does this in a seemingly quite calm state, it can seem thought out.  These things can take time to iron out, at that age behaviours may stick around for a while.  Attachment is complicated, sometimes these things are a bit of testing, and they soon go, sometimes they stick around for a while, and children with behaviours related to attachment can demonstrate them for some time.  

I don't know if you can stop her in the short term, most kids with post placement wobbles at this age they seem to be fairly short lived, but some aren't, and I do think it's important not to let it stop you enjoying the wonderful things about your daughter, of which I'm sure there are very many.

Not sure if that helps.

Congratulations again, and best wishes,

Wyxie!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi LYB,

Congrats on your recent additions 

My LO was 16months at placement and bit & scratched me a lot for the first few months. Mostly frustration/anger. The first bite was completely from no where and I reacted by shouting oww loudly which he then laughed. I said we don't bite calmly & moved on. However this small reaction was enough that he ramped up and started biting when frustrated or wanted attention. This lasted the first 3 months being home and like MAK says I had to just keep being as calm as poss and reminding myself its a phase. DH didn't really get this abuse but had some episodes.

Now we are 9 months in and I noticed its been a good few weeks where we've not had the lash out even when he's been really upset/angry recently. His speech is delayed and I had read that the biting can sometimes be more common in kids of this age til their vocabulary catches up and they can tell you they are upset or whatever.

Try and stay calm is main thing (but we are all human), as I found that anytime I let my guard down and raised voice or put LO down etc the situation escalated or would reoccur sooner. It's not that uncommon in kids, but given our Los have little control over lives etc it can just be a way for them to express themselves especially if they are fighting for attention even slightly. If you can see triggers then you can help by vocalising their feelings or avoiding said trigger if possible.

Let us know if you think there's more to it or if you can see a pattern as I've certainly went through a lot of situations and can share what I did and found re this.

HTH x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I know what MAK is saying as we have dogs too and, dare I say it, kids and dogs aren't that dissimilar when it comes to teaching what constitutes as acceptable behaviour.

Our LO is 14 months and recently hates nappy changes / getting dressed so kicks us. She raises her legs high then looks us in the eye and brings them down - she's had me hard a couple of times. At first our reaction was the standard 'no!' as its hard to do anything else when you've just been kicked, but we looked into it to find another way. Now we move back without saying anything when she raises her legs and she brings them down on the floor and looks suitably annoyed to have missed her target and kicked the floor. I just avoid and ignore as if it's not happened. 

She also slaps occasionally and if she's on my lap I immediately plop her on the floor and say 'don't hit'. It's very clear that way that I won't hold her whilst she hits me. It's very standard behaviour for that age group of 1-2 years so I tend to think she'll grow out of it. It's like when kids get older, especially boys, and go through a phase of being fascinated with their bodies and strip when possible...my friend ignores it, says nothing, and it passed quickly enough but making too much of it just ends up in it becoming an attention seeking party trick.


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## acewillows (Aug 30, 2013)

I can see why this is completely undesirable. Of course, like you say, it's no easy to reason with a LO so young. But, did you suggest that she is only biting your husband? If so, there could be something about him that could tempt her into this behavior. Maybe she isn't used to a male presence. Or maybe he even has a particular scent/taste to his skin.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Very common behaviour at that age without all the trauma of moving. We haven't had biting but a lot of hitting and hair pulling. 9 months in it has more or less stopped. I agree with the great advice you have already been given. I just say in a calm voice we don't hit it hurts and have found showing how to be gentle works well too.Difficult to know why its just your husband but could for instance be she has bonded more to you initially and maybe some special one to one time with your husband might help.


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## Little Yellow Bird (Jan 15, 2010)

Thank you so much for your replies. 
We've had a better day today - still a couple of nips and nibbles but DH has tried moving her hands away or telling her to be gentle and asking for a hug or kiss instead and it seems to be ok. 
She does seem to have very strong link with him and is very jealous of her sister if she has his attention and we have tears when he is with her sister - even if he just takes her to change her nappy.
She hasn't had strong male influence whilst with FC so this is all very new to her as well as us !
(Although as snapdragon says, maybe DH is just particularly tasty - Mummy thinks so   )

LYB


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