# Day 1 please help!



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi all
LO first day home today. All routine up in the air and sleeping pattern all changed cos of pick up time. She slept for 2 hours earlier but won't in her cot. So took her out in stroller. Happy when got back but would not sleep again for afternoon nap in cot - shrieking! So we are out again on chair to try for a bit of sleep before tea. I am really worried about bedtime. Any help and advice would be appreciated please. Spoke to SW and she said take her out again but surely if falls asleep while walking at 8pm when get back and get her I won't this just wake her again and make it even harder to get her down in her cot. Feeling on the edge xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

First big breaths. Then hugs. Little steps.
Routine will come back. What are you doing just now ie do you leave her in cot or does she scream as soon as you put her down?

Do you have a rocking chair or a comfy chair that you can rock Lo in. Get as much skin on skin - my Lo used to put his cheek against my bare shoulder (I wore vest tops lots).

LO will be grieving so go with her instincts - keeping her occupied is good but the grief tends to come out in sleep or when tired/hungry in my LO. My LO napped at the same time as in FC but he got tired earlier and was waking through the night so my main aim was to get an early nap in - we stuck it out with cot but I stayed with him and only put him in cot after he fell asleep on me (or was very very close).

All LOs take their own time so you might find you don't need to keep this up but I'd stay with her always just now and just be there to reassure her. Think newborn.

Newborns have mummies 24/7 and feed on demand. Suckle to sleep etc
Your bond is in newborn stage so nurture nurture and she will come on loads and you can get structure back to the way you want it.

If you see LO is struggling with lack of sleep then car run/buggy etc is great but try and stick to when you want LO to sleep.

Hope this helps
X


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Lorella,

Congratulations on your new arrival!!

I would try holding her as much as possible, use a sling if you have one.
Rock/ cuddle her to sleep then try putting her down. Don't worry if she wakes frequently just repeat the process. Sleep with her if you can, she needs you to be close, she's lost everything that's familiar to her it may take a while for you and your home to feel familiar to her  
All the hard work now (and lack of sleep) will be helping to build an attachment.

She will settle eventually, don't worry that you're starting bad habits, she needs this now..
I'd be inclined to take your sw advice with a pinch of salt... 

Good luck! Sleep when she sleeps and accept any help with cooking/ cleaning/ shopping that's offered  

CS x


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## millie:) (Feb 12, 2013)

Lorrella I vagally remember those first weeks think we were in a daze almost on autopilot was so hard our little man was 9months when he came home all I can say is what we did when little one would not sleep we nursed him in our arms until he slept then put him in cot and within weeks he would go in with very little bother those first few weeks little one was up every two hours during the night and we rocked him in our arms then put him back in cot it was so exhausting the first month we didn't have time to eat or look after ourselves we looked terrable didnt smell much better either but your routine will come we also had a nice bath together massage bottle and bed like you we walked miles in the first month just to get out of the house especiallywhen little one was grieving and terribly upset it relaxed all of us be kind to yourself good luck and congratulations x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Our pixie never falls asleep in his cot at bedtime (once). He would, I suppose, if I put him in there with bottle as I do with naptime but we lie together on the bed and snuggle and I tell him how much we love him. I feel we need the bonding and the connection more than the "get them into good habits" philosophy. In these first few months I would go with what works and what makes her happy. My son had a bit of a full on day yesterday and has been a bit unsettled today. He woke from his nap early, still tired and so I held him and he spent another 30 mins asleep on my chest. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks "where will I be and will they be there when I wake up?" So tonight he is still lying on the bed so if he stirs he can feel me/see me straight away. I just feel like he needs that comfort after an unsettled day. Don't worry if she doesn't go down like she did at FC, it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. X


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Congratulations lorella   Some good advice on here already.  We're a week into lo being home (9months) and her day time sleep routine has gone out of the window which means she is over tired and very difficult to console / soothe and I think it is a combination of grieving and teething.  As others have said, just go with what feels right and don't worry about sticking rigidly to routine at this early stage.  It is so hard to know what the best thing to do is but go with your instincts.  
Hope you all manage to get some sleep tonight


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you so very much all of you. 

It doesn't help that she's got a few red spots and SW wants to check it's not chicken pox! I am a real worrier anyway. Does anyone know if I ring the health visitor tomorrow whether they will come and see me? Ours docs is notoriously rubbish and I haven't even registered her yet. 

I took all of your suggestions and didn't even try and put her in her cot. We did milk, tried to snuggle as much as I could ( she is very wriggly) then lots of verses of twinkle twinkle seemed to work a bit. Then she got restless again so tried out our bed. She wriggled a bit and explored but after about ten mins stopped fighting the sleep , got in a comfy position and dropped off. I sat with her for about 20mins as wanted to make sure asleep enough , then transferred her to cot. This was half an hour ago and no stirring yet!! Fingers crossed. 

Thanks so much for your help. If it wasn't for you if probably be walking round the block for the 3rd time today xxx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Well done lorella.  No amount of preparation can really prepare you for this and we've found in the last week that you have to trust your instincts and go with what feels right for little one.  I would definitely ring straight away about health visitor - we have been waiting a week for ours to ring and hasn't and there are so many things we want to ask so going contact her tomorrow. There are going to be tough times ahead, but so, so many rewarding and amazing times too.  Be good to yourselves, sleep when little one does and everything else will fall into place in time.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Ah, the drunk man "I am NOT tired, mummy" crawl around the bed. I know it well!


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I read this too late to help though you got lots of good advice anyway and I'm so pleased to read you had a relatively peaceful bedtime (if drawn out).

On the chicken pox point, our health visitor was reluctant to advise in medical matters - I would have been referred to the dr. She said she did health like sleeping, eating etc not medical. Your's might well be different but you may be as well to try and get a Dr appointment.
I do hope the spots are nothing - it would be unhelpful timing - though as a silver lining, parents do say an early illness helped with bonding.

Good luck and congratulations.
Gettina


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Lorella said:


> Thank you so very much all of you.
> 
> It doesn't help that she's got a few red spots and SW wants to check it's not chicken pox! I am a real worrier anyway. Does anyone know if I ring the health visitor tomorrow whether they will come and see me? Ours docs is notoriously rubbish and I haven't even registered her yet.
> 
> ...


Hi Lorella, well done on the so far so good with the sleeping, I shan't add more as loads of great advice already but wanted to mention re the spots, out lo came home 4 weeks ago and the first night we undressed him his back torso was covered in little red spots, we did the usual glass test etc and stripped him as he was warm, after visits to the docs a few days later as a few were still there and coming & going, turns out its heat that causes his, he's a very warm baby and they come and go, so although it may not be.. there is a chance this could be the same for your lo?

Fingers crossed your night continues to be a successful one, if your not in bed already I would advise you are soon...get all the rest you can while lo sleeps xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Oh yes, just remembered pixie had spots during intros. He had a bit of a temp due to teething but also it could have been the stress of the move.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you so much everyone. I am just so overwhelmed by it all. I wasn't expecting to feel like this. You have been a big help. 
Thanks for your comments about the spots. I don't think it can be chicken pox as first spots came on Monday and there are only a few still. They didn't have the exact baby bath in Tesco so I had to get a different one so it could be that. I've sent DH on a mission to try to get it!

She slept till 6.30 through the night so that's good. I don't know why I'm not more happy about it as I should be. Got very emotional getting ready this morning while DHS was playing with her.

I am such a control freak and I think I'm finding it difficult as no routine at the mo and house a mess! 
It was all worth it this morning though as more progress. LO would not have her nap in her cot again so this time I sang to her, stroked her and rocked her while sitting in chair in her room and she fell asleep within 5 mins. Transfered to cot and been asleep 45 mins so far! Have tidied away the toys and had some breakfast and a cup of tea and feeling better. DH gone off to get supplies and register her at docs.

Thanks for all your support xxx


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Lorella said:


> Thank you so much everyone. I am just so overwhelmed by it all. I wasn't expecting to feel like this. You have been a big help.
> Thanks for your comments about the spots. I don't think it can be chicken pox as first spots came on Monday and there are only a few still. They didn't have the exact baby bath in Tesco so I had to get a different one so it could be that. I've sent DH on a mission to try to get it!
> 
> She slept till 6.30 through the night so that's good. I don't know why I'm not more happy about it as I should be. Got very emotional getting ready this morning while DHS was playing with her.
> ...


Our little man sleeps for nearly 13hrs at night but always has to be put down asleep or all hell breaks loose, fortunately once he's had his milk before nap / bedtime he's out like a light or if not then like you a little sing song and cuddle does it, so its easy, sounds like your little one is very similar, and as for the house etc relax, Im ocd with everything needing to be just right but the first 2 weeks literally our life was 24/7 around him and sleeping as soon as he went down at night as we were exhausted, yet 4 weeks on I'm in my own little routine as hubby works nights (with overtime I might add) so monday to friday I'm on my own 24/7 as if he's not at work he's sleeping or catching precious cuddles or playtime with lo which he needs, the house is no palace, but its still clean and tidy so all is fantastic, you'll soon find your feet! Enjoy.. xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Lorella, I haven't long so just a quick post but I wanted to send you hugs my lovely. I can honestly say the first 3 weeks little man came home were some of the toughest of my life. I loved him to the moon and back but it wa so hard and i wasnt prepared for it. he didn't sleep, was teething and essentially was grieving far more than we were ever prepared for. I honestly never realised that an 8 month old baby could grieve so badly. (I feel ashamed saying that now!)  Dh and I didn't know what day of the week it was. Every moment of every day simply revolved around him and we were she'll shocked. He slept in our arms for 10/15 minutes here and there and that was it BUT that was what he needed - us and lots of us. Cwtches, cwtches and mo cwtches. When we could settle him we kept at it. We were the last thing he saw when he went to sleep (which wasn't often!) and the first thing he saw when he woke. We slept when we could.

Fast forward a few months and he would go down awake, sleep from 6pm - 7am and have another 3 hours in the day. 

I promise you it gets better but at the moment just do whatever you have to to get through the day good luck xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Congratulations on your little girl.

The only important thing at this stage with such a little one is that she's terrified, and you are there and able to comfort her.  Health Visitors will hassle you with things like "learning to self-sooth" and then try and get you to go out and meet other Mums at baby groups, because this is what they are trained to do.  I would whole heartedly recommend completely ignoring almost all advice and just pretend you've got a new born.  She needs to learn to be soothed and comforted by you, and that she can rely on you to be there, before anything else.  I think her falling asleep in your arms is much more positive and any child that would happily go down in a cot with no fuss having just had such a massive loss would probably be raising alarm bells.

Our daughter came home at 19 months and hell would have frozen over before she let me cuddle her as she settled to sleep.  We had nightmare bedtimes for almost a year and no amount of anything could stop her fighting me tooth and nail about almost every element of her care.  She would refuse to go to sleep with us there, but then hurt herself when left on her own.  Really, it's only the last nine months or so I have been able to reliably sooth her at bed time, and now at almost 4 she settles and goes to sleep in my arms every night and sometimes now she will settle in bed and go to sleep with me sat in the chair next to her, while I sing.  If you can hold her and comfort her and get her to sleep, that's brilliant, even if it doesn't always feel like it, because it bodes really well for the future and don't worry about bad habits, because it's much better than the alternatives!

When our son came home he fell asleep in our arms at night, and we put him in the cot.  The first few weeks he would sometimes cry when he woke in the night, but it didn't take long until he was soothing himself back to sleep.  When I started leaving him to get to sleep in the cot, I would put him in and sit down next to it straight away to make it very clear I had no intention of leaving him, I was just getting him comfy, and sit and sing him songs and stroke him.  Sometimes I'd get him back out again to get him to sleep, the main thing we tried was to make sure that the cot was a happy place for him.  It didn't actually take long with our son to start to settle well in the evening when awake.  It was probably only about 6 weeks into placement before he was happy being left in the evening in his cot, and he would give us a smile and a wave and snuggle down with his toys.

I understand the mess worry, but really, just hygienically clean and if you feel the need then shove the toys in a box or cupboard at the end of the day and it'll be fine.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to reply. It really means a lot and has really helped me get through these first few days. Def needed the hugs! 

Have def started doing what need to do to get through the day more now rather than trying to stick ridgedly to FC schedule. Each day it's getting a bit easier. 

Xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

big hugs, you're doing GREAT!    How lucky your LO is to have you.  

Don't sweat routines, mess or 'habits'.  You can work on all of that when she's securely settled with you.  It's easy to get hung up on 'teaching bad habits' but actually it just doesn't matter with LOs this young, freshly placed.  

Bug went to sleep on me for months (how well I remember the heart-stopping stress of trying to transfer him to the cot without waking him, and only walking out the room when a car passed outside (a rare occurence!) to mask the sound....!) and it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes we'd fall asleep cuddled on the floor, and then Daddy would come and transfer him, as somehow he was better at that than me!

Have baby wipes and anti-bac wipes in every lived-in room.  You're not going to get to clean thoroughly, so just wipe when you can.

And if you're caffeine-dependent (as I was!) make cold coffee or tea to have as iced coffee, so you can gulp it down without worrying about managing hot drinks.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Or one of those Thermos commuter cups with lauds. Godsend.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Word, BG.


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