# Advice please, LO showing clear pref for one parent over the other



## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Everyone,
We were hoping for some advice or even reassurance that we are not the only ones. In the last few weeks, our son has been showing a clear preference for DW over me. If just I am with him then there is no problem at all but if we are both there he only wants her to read to him, help feed him, play with him and for the last two nights, when he woke up in the night, he didn't calm down when I went in to see him like he normally would but stayed very distressed until DW came in, at which time he instantly calmed down. I am finding this all very upsetting    and I am not sure what to do. As his birth mother I am finding this particular painful. We both play with him and spend loads of quality time with him, together and apart. We do the same type of activities with him. The only difference we can think of is that very occasionally DW is away over night with work but this hasn't happened since May and she drops him off at nursery whereas I always pick him up-so am I more constant and DW less so in his eyes? We just don't know. I am starting to feel quite isolated from the 2 of them and don't know what to do to try to fix the situation   

ps-I am also feeling really ashamed about this situation and feeling that somehow it is all my fault


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## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Becs
I wanted to reply straightaway just to say you are not on your own. We have a very similar situation. Will reply fully tonight but do not blame yourself. It is really hurtful though, I know.


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## lucky2010 (Jan 10, 2006)

Becs, you are not alone! Alex chops and changes between the two of us day by day. Initially he always wanted me as I breastfed him, then it was Julie for ages... I try to look at every bad patch with alex as a phase.... Just as we're thinking it'll never get better he's onto the next phase. He's now nearly four and is pretty mu h equal in his affections. It will pass, thinking of you x


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## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Hi Becs

Just want to say this is totally normal behaviour, my DD always prefered her Daddy over me, its only recently at age 5 where she doesn't mind who does what now.  My DS has always prefered me over his Daddy, he is getting a little better now and he is nearly 4.  Try not to worry and just make the most of the time when you are alone with Jacob and you get all his attention    

Shelley x


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## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Hi Becs

I was at work earlier so sorry for the quick reply. I just wanted to say that I have experienced the same with my daughter for some time - well since she could talk really, so for about 9 months now. I am Biomum to both DD and DS. DS seems to have a preference to me especiallly if poorly or teething.

When I am at home with the kids all I hear is "I want Mattie" (my DP), over and over again. It is really wearing. Especially when you are trying to do nice things with her. Apparently she says it when I am at work, though sometimes I really think DP is just trying to make me feel better. For months she point blank refused to let me read her a bedtime story. That really hurt. So I managed to persuade her to let me read a story by letting her sit with me in my room to have a special story (instead of in her bedroom for story time). When we go out she only wants DP to hold her hand.. I really could go on.

However if only me and her go out we can have a lovely girlie time together. It can just be really hard at times.

It is not something you have done. I think sometimes it is only the way our LOs have a chance to make their own decisions. It is their way of putting their foot down. As you say, if your DW is away from home over night some times He is probably just checking she is still there. I do understand how much it hurts, I was very upset for a time. Do enjoy your time together and it will pass and he will be stamping his feet about something else soon.


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Thank you so much 2mummies, Lucky and Shelley. I can't tell you how reassuring your replies were for me    I am taking alot of comfort both from hearing how common it is and also that it is very likely to be a phase that will at some stage pass. The advice about simply enjoying the time we have together was particularly helpful. We spent some special time together as I had a relatively short day at work today and it was really fun   . When it is particularly upsetting I will remember your kind and supportive words and remember that it is probably just about him starting to make choices and that it will at some stage pass,
Thank you guys,
Becs xxx


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi Becs,

I've just noticed your little guy is a similar age to our DD, who has just started in the last week really noticing when DW is at work and asking for her over and over whilst pointing at the door! I too am bio mum and she has tended to want me (especially in the night or when hurt) but today she bumped her head (and has a lovely big bump and bruise to show for it) and she cried and only settled down when DW came to kiss it better. I was most put out! I wasn't really, but like your little fella I think she's just figured out that she has a choice in which Mama does what. I'm also happy to hear others' experiences that it's normal and does pass (although I'm pretty sure we're just at the beginning of the phase and it's going to get worse!) 

Love B x


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

DS1 did this too. He went through a phase of wanting me all the time if DP and I were both with him. If I was not about then there was no issue with DP doing everything for him, but as soon as I was around, he would push DP away and always come to me if he was upset. I find it hard to recall what age he was but I think it was about 15 months or so. Of course  I felt awful as I knew how hurt DP was. And of course she thought it was happening because she wasn't birth mother, but sadly for you, your situtation totally destroys that theory. I tried to step back from DS1 to make DP feel better but that just made him worse. We just decided between us to give DS1 what/who he felt he needed at that time. It soon passed and I would say DS1 and DP are closer than ever over the last year. As he gets older he kind of knows the different relationships he has with us both and that we both bring different things into his little world. DS2 has just turned one and I will be honest and say that I worry that he will be the same one day but it will be me who is rejected because I am not his birth mother. I know it will break my heart too  . 
I try to remember 2 things when I feel this sense of insecurity as a mother: 
One is that sometimes we analyse the behaviours of our LOs far too much because we think like adults. As hard as it is, these moments that we perceive as our LO rejecting us, I guess are just our LOs sorting out their feelings and getting what they want and need.
Secondly, I think as 2 women, we are much more sensitive to the way our LOs are with us and too often relate it to whether we carried or not, or that our DP is a better mother than we are  . I talk to loads of my friends and they have the same issues and insecurities in Mum and Dad families.
I hope this little phase passes soon, just so he can start the next one to worry you  . The rollercoaster ride of parenting!


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Thanks Berryboo and Han,
It's so helpful to hear your experiences, I so hope that it is a phase and that it will pass with age. It's so comforting to know how common it seems to be. I am finding the whole thing so difficult at the moment


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Good morning Becs   

Well I've just had a complete emotional head #%&$ of a morning which is very ironic after posting on this thread yesterday  . I am nearly a SAHM ie. I work very little   and DP works for GP out of hours service so she does mostly nights. The boys go to a childminder (DS2 one day a week and DS1 two days as he is funded), and I was just about to leave this morning when DP came home from work. The boys were obviously pleased to see her and she picked DS2 up but then he wouldn't come back to me and clung to her like a baby monkey. Of course I'm now thinking this is the start of what you are now experiencing, and what DS1 did to DP  . I then took the boys to the childminder and for the first time in 3.5 years, DS1 started sobbing and begged me to bring him home. I just had to pacify him and be really cheery and get back in the car, and then had a good blub all the way home  . We have just had a wonderful week in Ireland seeing all DP's family, and then it was DS2's 1st birthday last week and he has had 2 parties and we have had loads of family and friends to stay up until yesterday, so I think the boys have had entertainment and attention 'on tap' for the past 2 weeks and a lot of excitement and late nights (well 8pm which is late for DS1, he has no stamina  ). DP and I both feel like we have post holiday blues so I guess DS1 feels a bit like that too. It's just so hard when you start questioning your parenting and I guess I have written this post to make me feel better  .  I feel worse as I'm not actually at work today but I know that bringing him home would be the wrong thing to do. It's just so unlike him, he would normally go skipping off with Jack the Ripper  . 
I know it's a cliché but this Mummy lark really is the hardest job in the world sometimes. Isn't it about time evolution produced an instruction manual with every baby


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Hugs to you Han, what a tough day. Big hugs to you x x


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Cheers Berryboo, I've got over myself now  

Actually I've just picked up a sad and poorly DS1 from the childminder  . Bad Mummy  . I am now sentenced to 2 hours of ironing whilst watching back to back Tractor Ted DVDs, rather than a cheesy, afternoon Channel 5 miracle movie


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Well my mind was put at rest today  . Had a fab morning at the library and playground with the boys while DP slept after a night shift. Put DS2 down for his nap after lunch and he was awake after half an hour as he is full of cold and his room was so hot! I knew he hadn't had enough sleep and I held him on my knee on the sofa while DS1 was having quiet time and watching a DVD about railway construction (yawn!) Next thing I knew, DS2 was fast asleep on my chest  . He is possibly the busiest, most active child I have ever known   so it was a very rare and wonderful moment and I adored every single one of those 50 minutes  
Any change with you guys, Becs? Have you and DW talked about how you are going to deal with it so you don't feel so hurt and isolated?


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Han,
We have been away for a few days so I have only just seen your most recent posts. Sorry that you had such a tricky day, that cuddle on the sofa with DS2 though sounded just lovely    The situation keeps changing here, one second Jacob is very equal with us both, then the next he only wants DW and just pushes me away    He is a bit unsettled this evening trying to go off to sleep so I popped up to see him and when I went into his room he became more upset    so DW came in and he calmed immediately. This phase is so hard


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## Hales :) (Mar 26, 2010)

Hi Becs - Already our two have a clear preference for a parent, S settles far better with me than with DP (he is quite a clingy boy, and I think I pander to him whereas DP hasn't the time) & T will virtually never take a feed from me - Sometimes he has gone to bed with no feed rather than take it from me when DP has been out and already it hurts, so can't imagine how it feels as they get older and they know their own mind though - I am relieved from all of your experiences though that it will chop & change!


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Becs I wish I could give you loads of great advice about this like you gave me about DS2's sleep issues. 
Since my little 'blip' last week, DS2 has gone the other way this week and wants me all the time. I guess that just demonstrates how fickle little ones are. I know, as I'm sure you do, that this behaviour with Jacob won't last. Big   while you're going through it.
PS. Good luck with your 2nd IUI xx


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## DazeyJ (Dec 22, 2010)

Hi there Becs, I have posted on this topic before but wondered was it because I wasn't the bio-mum, just shows there is no logic to it!  Do you think the change might be anything to do with trying to conceive again? I swear I think they have a sixth sense about these things, maybe you are a little less focused or more sensitive or something because of treatment? 

Han  - I think I have had that happen twice with our LO and I know exactly how you felt, magic moments   and she's never done it for DP


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Hales, Han and Dazey,
Thanks so much for your messages, it really means alot    I know what you mean Han, would be great if there was some tip that would fix it. Dazey, not sure about the whole is it to do with ttc? Could be, like you say if your mind is on something else? What we have been doing and it seems to be working I think is DW is stepping back when it seems to be happening and me doing lots of fun stuff if you know what I mean. Jacob has seemed more equal in the last few days so either it is working....or more likely, that phase is over/ on hold at the moment and may return who knows?!    Also, I am trying not to stress about it because i am sure he must pick up on that and it must make it all worse.

I think to be honest though he is just learning about the world at the moment and making choices probably all to do with this exploratory phase Thanks again everyone, it means so much xxx


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Hi Becs, 
Was just wondering how things were going with Jacob. DS2 is a total cling on with me for some reason at the moment  . It isn't all the time but he seems to run to me when he is upset or justs wants a cuddle. This is about the same age DS1 did it I think. DP is fine about it this time as she knows it's just a phase and our relationship with DS1 is equally very loving and of course he is at an age when his emotions are much more rational and mature. He bought me flowers today "just because he loves me"   . Thankfully DS2 is totally ok with us both when it comes to things like meals and bath/bed time which is a good job as I work 1-2 nights a week! DS2 also LOVES refusing to give us kisses. He flips his head to the side and says 'No' and runs off laughing. Little b#@$er!!!


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