# Relationship split during adoption process.



## Val74 (Jan 3, 2015)

We were thinking really positive about adoption but sadly my husband and I are going through yet another bad patch. If we were to start the adoption process but then separate what would happen? Would I be able to continue with the process alone? I'm naively thinking that pregnant couples often separate, that never means the pregnancy stops, am hoping I would just continue to be assessed as a single person but guess that's hoping that there's some common sense in the process?! Anybody know what would happen if we did split? xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Hi val, so sorry to read you're going through a tough time with hubby :-(

It's highly likely that the process would have to stop and then you'd need to give yourself around 6-12 months healing time before they'd allow you to continue...

There maybe others that can confirm but I know my agency said from a separation/treatment/bereavement they like 6-12 months minimum.

Good luck in your journey xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

personally I wouldnt start the adoption process if you have an inkling thats going to happen. however if you did start, then split, they would probably make you take a break and then carry on assessing you as a single adopter if they thought you were in the right place. tbh starting the process thinking you're about to split isnt really the best place to be in…
kj x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hello

No, you would not be able to just continue to be assessed as a single adopter if you split with your husband during the assessment process I'm afraid.  

Firstly, if you are going through a rough patch it would be extremely hard to hide that during home study and it is likely that your marriage would be put under further strain.  It is nothing like pregnancy I'm afraid.  The agency invest hundreds of pounds to get you through the assessment process.  It would be horrendous for any adopted child to enter into your home when your relationship is not a solid one, they have all been through enough already and need stability.  

I would advise that if you do want to persue adoption, you get some marriage guidance counselling first and make sure your marriage is rock solid.  Failing that, if you were to split up with your husband, you could apply as a single adopter but I would guess that any SW would want you to have grieved your marriage for approximately a year before they would consider you as a single applicant.

Sorry this is all so negative.  I hope you can get the help you need to make your marriage solid and then apply for adoption.

Good luck   
X

PS.  val, I can see from your signature you have had quite a journey to get to this point


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I think dame Edna has pretty much covered it all. As the majority of agencies will want you to have stopped ttc for a minimum of 6 months before they will accept you I would use that time to focus on your relationship. If it's so fragile at the moment with ttc I would say adoption would almost certainly be a breaking point.
My husband and I have what we would consider a rock solid marriage, at no point during our years of ttc or ivf cycles did it feel threatened. However we had a beautiful 6 month baby boy placed with us in December, he is a very easy baby with no issues at present. But within a couple of weeks of him being placed our relationship felt very shaky just with the pressures of being new parents let alone if we had been matched with an older child who would have almost certainly been more challenging. It's because we do have such a strong relationship we were very open with each other and talked things through and came through it.
The assessment process will focus heavily on your relationship, they will want to see that you have made it through the challenges and that you are a good team. If they are in any doubt about that they will almost certainly defer your approval and request counselling until they are satisfied the issues are resolved.
If you believe that your marriage won't last and you truly think there's even a slight possibility of this it would be extremely unfair to enter into adoption.
Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you can get your marriage back on track. Stopping ttc can do wonders for that alone!


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Val74,

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

We were the other way round than most people, tried adoption first & hit a brick wall with that early on & so IVF was the only option.

I just wanted to suggest an option that I would almost certainly have done if I'd known about it earlier - embryo adoption.

Essentially this is adoption at an earlier stage without any of the red tape, bureaucracy & hoops to jump through, & before the child/ren are damaged by any ill treatment or maternal drink or drugs.

I agree with the other responders that bringing a child into a bad relationship would be very unfair, however if you split & felt you were emotionally strong & whole & ready to pursue motherhood on your own then this route would allow you to begin when you were ready, not when a stranger decided you ticked all the boxes.

Best wishes,

B xxx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Aww bombshell they're not 'damaged' children


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## Val74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Hi everyone, thanks for responding. I know you're all right, I shouldn't even consider entering the process at the minute but I felt so desperate. Throughout ttc we have had horrendous ups and downs, possibly more so than would be considered 'normal'. I think it stems from the fact that ultimately we want different things, I want a family so desperately yet my husband seems to want to slow down at his 'time of life' (he's 40 for goodness sake not 70!) and just focus on the things he enjoys. I've told him before that I don't think we would even pass the adoption process. I used to do therapeutic work for a living, but haven't been hope in hell of getting him to do some of the exercises I know that would really help us decipher what each of us truly wants. I think deep down family life is not for him, but it's something that I can't do without. Ironically my husband is a parent already and if I think about it, I have fostered a lot of the relationship there as it was very distant before I came alon7g. I think if I were to adopt it's highly likely it will be alone, but that leaves the prospect of walking away from a man who is very lovely in lots of different ways. I was told once by a counsellor that birds of prey in captivity save mounds and mounds of rotting meat, apparently they won't lay eggs until they know they have enough surplus to feed their young. She said there's a school of thought that says the same about us, that we don't procreate unless our relationship is sound. Logically I know this can't be true as you would never have a child conceived by rape or in abusive relationships but now I'm at this point  I can't help thinking what if my knowing he doesn't want this deep down is impacting!?! Silly, I know. I just want to be a mother so badly my patience is running out. I know we either have to sort this or I go it alone. But, thank you, for all your advice and kind words. Little poppy, I don't think bombshell meant 'damaged' in a derogatory sense, just that some children do have awful experiences bless them. My stepdaughter is only experiencing mild stuff by comparison but has definitely been affected badly by her mother's behaviour, I guess you could call that damage, I know what you mean but don't think it was meant in that way. Good luck and happiness to you all wherever you are on you journeys and thanks again.xx.


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## Val74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Forgot to say too bombshell that I have heard of embryo adoption,; it was stored safely in the back of my mind but I had forgotten it so thanks for the reminder;  in an ideal world I would do both!  xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Just wanted to acknowledge your heartfelt posting  

It sounds really complicated.  I wonder if a counsellor (Relate), might help you find a way forward which you would be at peace with   .  Either way it seems there will be a big loss to get your head around  

X


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Embryos are donated not adopted. Totally different.


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