# the pressure of life



## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hiya,

Does anyone know of anything natural that might act like a bit of an anti-depressant? We're on the IVF train but I am clearly very depressed/or still suffering PTSD. Treatment is delayed until next year due to an infection, but there is not enough time to take anti-depressants, improve my strength and get off the drugs.

Mine is not a straight forward infertility depression. I come from a toxic family. My father hates me because I am like my mother, who he also hates (they're divorced). My sister is like my father and gangs up against me with him. Yes, we are adults. My mum and brother keep out of it mostly, but them being weak, when I am the target of my sister/fathers anger, they tend to side with the stronger team (my sister). Uncle and Aunts side with my sister. My sister and dad are very charming people, as was my ex-husband. If you have never been bullied, it is fairly typical for people to side with the bully not the bullied. It ensures they don't become the next victim plus some people believe it is the victims fault. It makes the bullied feel like *hit. I question whether I am in the wrong all the time. It must be me, even though the abuse counselling tells me that his/her/their behaviour is classic abusive. To give an example of how we were bought up: we were together as a family on holiday a few years back (excluding mother). Father was playing with my nieces (his grandchildren). Father made it very obvious to everyone that he favoured one child over another even telling my sister he didn't want child L to be there because she was a nightmare. It's not just what he says, it's the way he does it. Child L was 5 nd it a little cutie (as is the older E). Father said: 'E you're so beautiful and such a lovely girl. L why can't you be like your sister instead of a pain. E, you really are a special girl.'  When I was 12 he told me I was fat. I starved myself to 6 stone 5 in the hope he might like me more. It was the way he said it that hurt. It was with hatred. That's the way he was with my nieces. It was like an ugly game he was playing to belittle one. In the instances of my nieces, my sister turned a blind eye, but my husband and I were furious. E & L are both lovely. 

Psychotherapists in the past have told me to sever ties with my family, but I've never managed to do it, because it is hard to turn you back on people who are supposed to love you. You think you are over reacting. CBT is not in depth enough to challenge intrenched thoughts. Mindfulness helps a bit but the pain is huge/overwhelming. NHS treatment I received was useless for me, therapist just wanted to tick boxes but I was too complex to put in one box (infertility, anxiety, abuse, PTSD, depression).    

So not only am I struggling with infertility, but I am struggling to understand why my family are dysfunctional.  My husband is really supportive but I rely on him too much - he is the first person to ever give me unconditional love. I have trust issue because of my upbringing so don't tend to seek help from friends, i.e. What happens if they agree with my family?

But, I've come along way in my life. I married an abuser and then it all fell apart when I got the police involved. Always get the police involved if you're hit!  At least I recognise abuse and inappropriate behaviour now. I have a radar for it.  However, it can take years to come to peace when the hurt is so great and involves those who should protect you. It will take years and years to recover from some stuff and fertility waits for noone...and brings it's own trauma. That is the challenge I'm facing! I am scared this issues are causing me not to conceive.

So:

Do any of you have any ideas on how I can pick myself up? I feel quite lonely at the moment. 

Is there a supplement I can take to even me out (like anti-depressants)? Does 5HTP work?

I am wondering if fertility counselling is any good? Can you get it free?

How can I build my confidence back up? Any good ideas?

How can I build some strength? I am trying to remember what counsellors said - I think I have to get a routine going.

I am really trying to help myself. I am the only one who can help me. I just need a bit of advice on building strength. 

We have no money so acupuncture or anything like that is off the cards right now.

Does anyone else come from a dysfunctional family? Are willing to tell me how you recovered so that it might help me? Or point me to good references.

BTW. Currently I do the following: Mindfulness 20-30mins per day, 17min circle and bloom (very good - lovely FF recommend) and 1 hour positive affirmations (Louise Hay).
This helps but I still have a humongous panic attack on Tuesday night, and spent last night crying, 'I can't take any else hurting me or telling me I crap. That I can't take any more hurt.'

Feeling emotional today, but not as much as last night. Tomorrow I'll be posting happy posts.  

Sending love to each and every person reading. Plus large volumes of baby dust to us all.

Thanks for reading.
xx


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## melbg (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi,
Didn't want to read and run as it obviously took a lot for you to write your post. I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted to give you a massive hug!! It sounds like you've been dealt a crap lot with your family but I'm so glad that you have your lovely dh to support you.
Xx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi DeeDee Spark,

Gosh, there's a lot going on for you, isn;t there? 

Let me tell you who else grew up in a dysfunctional family Deedee. 90% of us. Families, by their very nature, are dysfunctional on a spectrum. Complex, enmeshed, enraging, exhausting, disappointing, bewildering...... It's the nature of love. And growing up. Where siblings are involved there is also always the risk of conditionality on the part of parents with their love and affection, and I have seen that cause havoc. It;s probably one of the biggest failures of parenting, setting siblings up to hate each other and themselves. Terrible. Your father sounds like he has what my aunt would call an "unfortunate" personality. I'm sorry you had to grow up with such swipes taken at your core self. I too had a difficult upbringing with a mum who also favoured a sister (which was totally unfair on her), and a father who had a drinking problem, and in a house basically which was an emotional barren waste land, where we never properly aired problems and everything went pretty much well underground. 

I have done (and continue to do) work on myself for years, and I humbly offer my tuppence of what has worked/not worked:

1) I agree psychotherapy is excellent at getting at the heart of the matter. Let me assure you, to be belittled like that by the person who is supposed to love and protect you is traumatic, and I myself have found PT to really help to understand what's lurking in my subconscious (negative self views, all sorts of beliefs, triggers, traumas, sadnesses etc), how they get triggered. The good news is that the brain is elastic and can be re shaped. I'm working very very very hard to understand myself and change my beliefs and how I think. Because like you my issues run much further than IF, this was really necessary. An excellent counsellor  in the Zita West clinic once remarked to me that 100% of the clients that have a really hard time with treatment (anxiety, predicting failure, depression ect) are always 100% clients with troubled difficult emotional histories, whatever that history is. It makes it extra hard to withstand treatment. Simply, we are not resilient enough for it. So Psychotherapy (the right one, I have been seeing a Psychodynamic Psychotherapist) works for me.....

2) Supplements/Meds: I am on anti depressants and intend to stay on them until I have been generally well emotionally for minimum 6 months. There are safe SSRI's to take while TTC. I suggest you see someone who can really determine if you have clinical depression. They will really help you and enable you to make other changes necessary (exercise, therapy process etc). In addition, take anything with GLA (Gamma Linolenic Acid; its in many things.... for example evening primrose oil) and MAKE SURE you get at least 300 mgs daily. Omega 3 will also help on the re-shaping the brain front, which si really really important. We need to get those neurotransmitters firing in a different way!

3) exercise. Nuff said. REALLY does help. 

4) Support. It's great that you have your DH and that he is such a great support. You can't totally change who you are and so if you don't want to talk to too many other people, then take it slowly. Maybe a support group? Maybe one good friend? Asking for support doesn't have to mean getting them to agree that you are right about the conflict within your family. Maybe no one is right. But the fact that you are distressed and need support is right, and you can get that without having to have vindication on how wrong your family are. 

Make a few small changes, try to take a break from thinking about your family, engaging in your family. Take it easy on yourself. Thsi all takes time, but it's well worth it for peace of mind, as well as giving yourself every chance for treatment to work. 

Wishing you peace

R xxx


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## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi Deedee,

No words of wisdom here either. My partner is also from a dysfunctional family and I really sympathise with you.

I get a bit down in the winter. And I haven't picked myself up from m/c & failed treatment.

I think you are doing really well with the mindfulness and affirmation. Have your heard off / tried tapping (EFT)? I don't like it (reminds me of my granddad's Parkinson), but for some people it works fantastically.

Exercise, particularly outside. Apparently looking at trees / nature helps when doing exercise / walking.
To me it makes a massive difference when the sun shines. Any day its dry I go for a walk at lunchtime.

Sending you


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Thank you all for replying.

I don't think many people survive childhood unscathed.  
I have increased the amount of exercise I do recently (only stopped doing so much exercise due to infertility), plus I try to get fresh air for at least 30mins per day. It does help.

Mindfulness is good because I am hoping that it changes the pattern of my brain and recreates neuron pathways to healthy emotions. I watched a Michael Mosley programme on depression and he said that if you are depressed, the part of your brain that deals with depression gets bigger (worth trying to watch this Horizon programme if you can). Hence, my attempts to reprogram my brain with affirmations/mindfulness. 

I been through all the counselling now. I can see the patterns that go through generations of my family. My problem is I am trying to break free and my family don't like it. They want me to stay available / continue enabling them. I was warned this would happen so I shouldn't be so upset. I guess my main issue is that I am trying to learn to put myself first and stand up for myself. It's not easy.

Since I wrote yesterday, I realised my main problem is I refuse to see the world 'as it is,' I see it 'as I want it to be.' Hence, I return. Hence, it's my fault. I find it difficult to see my dad as an  or my mum as turning a blind eye. The work that I have been doing over the last 2 years has been based on mindful compassion. The problem is when you live in a dysfunctional family, being loving/forgiving, without protecting myself and seeing reality, is fatal - you end up more angry/resentful. I have been turning the other cheek and I keep getting hit. Now I have reached a point where I can't take the punches. 

Ruby - You're right that I need to take a break from my family. This is what I am supposed to be doing at the moment. Unfortunately, my 94 year old Nan won't take a break from me, and how can I take a break when it upsets her and she nearly died last year from pneumonia?    

I was doing reasonably well until I started contacting my brother and mum again (at least trying to be positive). I had an expectation of how they would behave and felt let down when they didn't behave that way- my fault really. As my DH says, have no expectation what-so-ever on my family, and I won't get hurt.  Plus my sister is trying to reel me in again. My mum will say, 'Oh but she misses you.' My sister will be lovely and kind and wonderful. Then as soon as I don't look after her children, side with her, do something for her... she'll explode with rage and bad mouth me to everyone (twisting everything so I look really bad). It's not personal. She's does it to her husband, people she works with. Everyone always believes her (even me against her husband). She even turned my mum's entire family against my mother some years back. It's very clever, and my mum also goes back for more . I try to have compassion for her though. She was the biggest victim of my father as a child. She was the scapegoat. The horrible child. It was only as a teenager that my brother became my fathers focus of hate, and now me as an adult. Eventually, I will do something he approves of, and he will turn his back on my sister or brother. My father also was a victim of his awful upbringing. 

My friend recommended taking a tougher approach rather than a mindful compassion one. She recommended Dr Phil and his straight talking non-nonsense approach. So I about to start reading 'Life code.' Apparently, it is going to help me stand up for myself. Finally!!   I have done assertiveness courses and various other therapy to help me. This has helped me with new people I meet, but not my family. With my family, they are just too aggressive and the illness is too entrenched. BTW, 95% of the time, they are lovely people. It's when I don't comply that the problems start...

Anyway, I will take a look at GLA's. I agree I am not a resilient person, not at all. I have also met the Zita West counsellor - I think she is Jane? If it was, she is lovely. 


The biggest thing I am scared of is that all the cr*p has damaged my ability to conceive. I guess that is just my chimp speaking.

Thank you for your support. xxx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Take a look at this book, The Dance of Anger: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Dance-Anger-Changing-Relationships/dp/0722536232. It's an interesting read if you find yourself infuriated with your family and feeling stuck in the patterns of interaction that are upsetting you.

Wishing you best of luck. I've had to disconnect from my father a couple of times for periods of a year or two when I'd had enough of his being disagreeable and disrespectful. I will say our relationship is MUCH better as a result -- we may not be as "close", but we're not enmeshed in pathological interactions and treat each other like adults instead. When you're dealing with someone who has personality issues, boundaries are SUPER important!


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Thanks Crazyhorse. I'll take a look at your recommendation. I have read all the 'women who love too much' and 'boundaries' type books. I even attended a co-dependent anonymous meeting but found the meeting depressing and a bit self-pitying. 

I have started reading the Life Code book - it is opening my eyes quite a lot. I am really naive/stupid when it comes to people. 

It's probably not the best book but the piece of life I struggle with most is people. I have also drifted in life, expecting everything to come to me, buried my head in the sand and refused to believe that some people, even family and friends, are not always nice and are capable of nasty games. I was asked out by plenty of lovely men who would make great fathers in my 20s but I turned them down, waiting for the 'right' man (who was a di*k). So I have to take accountability for not having a child by now. Those that are successful, go to their success. If I continue to do what I have down over the last few years, rely on things like laws of attraction, crazy diets, hypnosis or statements like 'what will be, will be,' I'll never get my baby - what I want most. Ultimately, no amount of hypnosis will get rid our bug we have! We'll get a child one way or another. Natural (after bug has gone), IVF, surrogacy, adoption... but we'll get there. 

For the past 17 years, my relationship with my father has been more off than on. It's mainly my sister that hurts me now... (for the last ever time), and I'll be implementing some major boundaries to stop me getting hurt again. 

Hurt me once, more for you; hurt me twice more fool me.  

We have to take a break from TTC for a month or so. Booo!!! It's for the best as our systems need to be clear of bad bacteria. What is lost in a month, is gained in years of not having failed treatment due to ureaplasma.

Taking some timeout from FF as well as it makes me a bit crazy obsessive. Time to get my work done and bring in some money to pay for treatment.

Wishing you all the best of luck...

Back over christmas or in the new year.

Thanks everyone.
xx


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