# Feel like a little part of me dies with each BFN



## Specky77 (Aug 5, 2004)

Hi ladies

I've recently had my 8th bfn and just don't know how to pull myself together. I took a week off from work to get over it. Went back Tuesday and spent half the day in tears. Yesterday I just couldn't chat to anyone too scared of crying again. But the last two nights I've come home, dh has been at work, and I've literally just sat here sobbing all night. Today I've woken up in such a state that I've emailed work and said I can't come in because basically I can't stop crying, not sure how that's gonna go down to be honest. I just feel so miserable all the time. I'm not sure whether to go see my gp, can't see that being any help to be honest but I just hate feeling the way I do. We have a wedding to go to Saturday and if I'm honest I'd prefer not to go, I'm sick of putting a happy face on when I feel so broken hearted. 

I think I'm starting to panic that the end of the road is getting nearer for us, it doesn't seem to bother dh half as much as it does me, sometimes I really resent him for being able to carry on as normal. 

Sorry for the winge. 

Xx


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## lil stephy (Oct 1, 2009)

awww hun i didnt want to read and run u sound so sad     have u tryed talkin to ur dh about how u r feelin? i would also go to the docs or maybe c a counsellor that might help u hun, what bout ur friends and family?

i really hope u get through this its not an easy road at the best of times, i wish u all the best and hope u become a mummy how ever u get there      xx


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## Seachest (Mar 31, 2008)

Hi Specky, I'm so so sorry to hear about all your disappointments since you have been TTC.

You sound in a terrible state and I know you feel helpless about what has happened but you WILL begin to feel better soon. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to and cry openly? Is there anything you can do today to distract yourself as I know the worse thing I can do when I am feeling low about TTC is spending hours on the internet searching for answers to 'why me', 'how can I improve my chances', 'what did other people do'...it actually makes me feel worse in some ways as I never get any answers. Hopefully it's a sunny day where you are so why not don your sunglasses and sit in the garden and read a good book, or go for a walk with your ipod in or meet a friend for lunch.  I know these are all short term options for how you are feeling today but perhaps it may work to help distract you for a while until hubby gets home.

Longer term - perhaps you should either speak to your GP about some medications just to perk you up for a few months (these will take a few weeks to kick in though) or how about councelling through your hospital, I'm sure most offer that. Or your GP should be able to refer you. I think that considering all you have been through with TTC and your husbands cancer that you would be a perfect case for a quick referral.

As for yout hubby I think men deal with this is very different ways to women (even if the 'fault' is on their side). My hubby seems disinterested at times but I know that is not true in the slightest. I think they just don't obsess about it in the same way we do. We have an appoinment today about FET and I asked hubby this morning that we should talk about what questions to ask and his response was 'what do you mean?, we just ask when we start'. They think about it in very simplistic terms....and that is how they stay a bit detached and therefore don't hurt in the same way that we do. I think sometimes we could learn from them and take a step back. I guess what I am saying is that your DH DOES care but he just doesn't completely understand how much it plays on your mind. Tell him how you feel.

I do hope you start to feel a bit brighter as they day goes on.

Take care
Seachest 

xx


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Hi Sweety, I know I am very blessed to have a baby but I wanted to die after the BFN earlier this year and during this current cycle my emotions have been all over the place with all the delays.  So much hope is being invested, we are told stay positive as it will help so its even a bigger blow when the worst happens.  You probably already know from past experience that as time goes on the pain starts to dull, however I know its harder when you think there is no other option left.  This is our last cycle, we just can't afford anymore debt.

I agree with seachest men deal with it differently, self blame is the worst for them clamming up.  Stop putting pressure on yourself to perform though, if you don't feel up to the wedding just don't go....be kind to yourself, you have had a big life event happen to you, its ok to feel like you are.

Your signature says you're thinking about surrogacy, I suppose sometimes focussing on the next steps helps us to cope, but its also going to be an emotional ride, so allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost first.  So sorry you are going through this pain xxx


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## zoooooommmmm (Aug 5, 2009)

Oh honey just wanted to post to say know exactly how you feel. It's exactly like that every BFN for me too and for lots of the others on here too. So it's perfectly normal to feel crappy about it all I reckon. As for DH mine equally doesn't seem as bothered, disappointed of course etc and I know it's partly that he doesn't want to make it even worse by him having a meltdown every month about it too and making it even more of a horrible stress for me. Not sure if that makes sense but a trying.

Wish I could give you a big hug or take you out for a very big glass of wine and some cakes, hey we could all go.

Take care, really wish I could say more to help but hope just knowing it's not just you who feels like this might help xx


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## Specky77 (Aug 5, 2004)

Thank you ladies for your replies, I did go to the dr's yesterday after confessing to my mum and dh how bad I was feeling (I had tried hiding it from them as didn't want them worrying about me).  The dr was absolutely useless to be honest, I sat there crying he sat there typing, anyways he asked if I needed time off from work which I said yes so he's signed me off for a week, I'm due back next friday, I have my follow up on Thursday so hopefully they can give me some hope and I'll perk up.  I also asked him if there was anything I could get from the chemist to sort of help pick me up but instead he prescribed me anti-depressants, my DH and mum really don't want me taking these as don't feel they are gonna help a great deal so I've not bothered taking them.  I've spoke to my mum and dh about how I feel but as for friends, I don't tell them too much because I think its hard for them to understand what I'm going through and it just feels like when I talk to them I'm all doom and gloom.  My best friend who I used to talk to, well things changed big time between us when she had children, now she's like a stranger to me, probably a lot of my doing but then she had problems in her marriage and also distanced herself from me so we don't talk like we used to.

Thank you all for your kinds words, I know everyone finds these BFN's difficult to cope with xx


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## Every cloud.... (Mar 29, 2010)

Hi You!

Sorry you're  feeling so rubbish at the moment but I think you're right in not going down the anti-depressant route yet. The trouble with them is that they disguise what's really going on and you do need to go through this pain unfortunately. 

I'm sure we can all sympathise with how you're feeling..life on hold and everyone else's seem to move on perfectly. Take this week to relax and unwind, perhaps write a diary on how you're feeling and show DH. And if the wedding doesn't appeal then plan something else, how about a romantic dinner for two!!! (Even if better if it's at home and prepared by you).

Don't know where you live but are there any FF's living in your area that you can meet up with?

Take care x


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## littlebunnies (Sep 1, 2010)

hi guys

im new to this thread as my 4th cycle has failed.  
had 2 top quality blastocyst transfer so dont understand why.
no energy left in me even to cry anymore xx


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## cookies81 (Aug 24, 2009)

Hey dear    aIve found bfn #3 the worst ever, worst because I really thought it would work, I had a total meltdown at the clinic with the nurse dragging me to the docs office like a lamb to the butcher oh my it was terrible and I knew something was wrong when I went back to work and "life" with a big smile like I've been on a picinic not though 6 weeks of fertility tx and yes a week later it all came tumbling down and I cried my heart out, Im glad to say that Ive gotten better REALLY but the pain is still there and I guess with us IF will be a scar in our heart that will bleed from time to time and we just have to count our other blessings, family, husbands, work whatever is going good is worth rejoicing for dont let IF take that joy away from you    sorry for the long (and depressing post) but just wanted u to know you are not alone we all suffer but we also get through this


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Oh ladies I really empathise with you all and that in itself is a 'small' blessing as we're not on our own.
I have just had my 4th bfn after having blasts transfered and ended up hospitalised with severe ohss and things got pretty scary - BUT TILL NO ANSWERS!
I have been signed off work but Dr put it down to ohss not stress/ depression.
But what I have realised I haven't dealt with the last 3 bfn's and I MUST DEAL with all of them now!
Unfort I have no answers.  I'm surrounded by people who care but I just can't release my sorrowand despair.
I have 2 friends 1= counsellor 2= hypnotherapist so will ve getting help from them (this is a first) but decided I need help this time!
Sorry for waffling but this is the first time I found somewhere to post where I truly fit in.
Love, strength and hugs to you all X


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