# Grief



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi all,

Was going to start this post with "wondering if anyone else is feeling like this...?" but I am sure I am not alone in these feelings!

I have just come back from visiting my friends in the maternity unit - she had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. I sat there and we chatted, and I am so so pleased for her. I just couldn't shake the feeling though that I won't ever be in there as a new mum. I just cannot picture it. I couldn't see me there looking tired, flushed, worn out but utterly in awe with my new baby. I couldn't picture DH there awkwardly cradling our newborn, figuring out how to hand her over for a feed. I couldn't imagine it at all.

DH and I can have another ICSI cycle later this year, but at the moment I am certain it wouldn't work. I feel I am trying to grieve for many things. Never being pregnant, not having a baby, not seeing my DHs shocked face as I tell him I think I can feel contractions, not seeing DHs face when we look at a positive test, not having him put his hands on my big belly and feeling a baby kick, not seeing him wandering around the house like a zombie because he did all the night feeds, no first day of school.......I could go on. I know that if DH didn't already have children I wouldn't hurt so much over these things because we would be facing the loss of them together, but as it is it feels like more of a loss for me.

I feel stuck at the moment in a bit of a no-mans-land. I cannot see a successful cycle outcome for us, but I cannot let go of the idea of having a family like everyone else (and by everyone else, I mean everyone I know!) I think I do, but then get sucked back into this feeling. When I think that we won't have a positive result, I wonder if it is even worth going through another cycle, spending all that money - I feel like we should just go on some amazing holidays instead!

I just feel in a spin, really, and am really hoping to find a way out of it soon.


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## patbaz (May 21, 2010)

Sending you  I have been where you are. It does get easier to cope with huni but the BFN never stops hurting but if it's what you want you've got to keep going x


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

*Claire*, I could of quite easily written this myself. I'm in the longest 2ww ever and just seem to be falling into a pit of despair and self pity. You just have to keep going. I'll try everything I can to get that BFP because that's all I want. If we stopped I'd always wonder what if? 
Hope you get what you wish and pray for soon. Xx


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thank you both, I just don't know if I want it enough for all of this heartache.
Big   to you both


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

*Claire*, I think you've answer your own question just by asking it? If you didn't want it enough I think it would be obvious. You wouldn't feel the grief and the pain you get when thinking about the what ifs. 
Maybe you should give yourself some time and see how you feel in a few months. Xx


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thankyou Jam&Cream, i had never thought of it that way, i just get lost in the worry, anxiety and jealousy


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

for a very long time i was panic-stricken by the idea that i could not visualise or imagine my children's faces. i thought it meant i would never have them. i used to try and imagjne myself in hospital etc, i thought if i could imagine it well enough i could somehow make it happen. being in hospital was nothing like i imagined. my baby's face seems to be constantly changing. i still can't really imagine what he would look like at school. it took me a very long time to get here, many, many years of heartbreak and disbelief and what felt like vain hooe. 


good luck - keep the faith.


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thanks Goldbunny - I remember what you said to me on another thread too - that we run away from good things happening (or potentially happening) to us which we think we do not deserve.

Gah! Time to forget IF struggles for tonight at least - off out to watch the footy with DH, and a cheeky cider or two!   (hey, it's made from apples - it's practically one of my 5-a-day!   )


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

clairerianne,

I am so with you on this.  I feel the same, I just feel like it will never be me with that big baby bump or screaming in pain like they do on one born every minute! I just really feel it will not happen for me.  I feel it so deeply I think it must be true. Like you, my DH has children too and I do think that makes it harder for me. It's so hard knowing he has had these experiences and we may never have them together, I just hate that!

Sometimes I feel like I am accepting it will not happen and at other times I feel so deeply sad at the loss of something I have never had or will ever have.

My colleague at work said to me yesterday that she "just knows it will happen, she can feel it"....sadly to me that's just crap


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Ah Wisp, it is so hard when people say that. It comes from the right place, they are trying to be nice, and helpful, and supportive, but it just brings out the sarcasm-monster in me!

How do people "just feel it"? Especially people you don't really know all that well? Do they "just feel it" when a cycle isn't going to work? If so, maybe they could let us know so we can save ourselves a small bloody fortune! Maybe we should give these people a hotline to our clinics, so the minute they "just feel it" that a cycle would work for us, they can ring up the consultant and let them know?!  

Grrrr.

I had been feeling better these past couple of days, but one of my best friends had a baby last week (both my best friends have babies now), and the friend who had her baby in December emailed me to say that it was lovely news about our other friend, and do I fancy a catch-up soon? I replied, but totally avoided the question about meeting up - i feel like a bad friends for doing that, but I can't cope with being around them at the moment.


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

I genuinely felt that I would never have a baby. It was awful because I truly believed that my instincts would be right - the feeling was so strong and had always been in the back of my mind from being quite young!! I was wrong  I will be honest, it's never exactly how you imagine it but whilst I wish I'd appreciated by baby-free life more, I would never swap. The best of luck for your next cycle - don't give up hope just because you can't imagine having a baby. You are just protecting yourself just in case and it doesn't mean that you won't be successful. I can't relate properly now - but there is life without children too. I now realise that parents never really were trying to make me feel inadequate because feeling inadequate is very much a part of parenting!!! Also parents bang on about their children all the time because (in the early days at least) there is nothing else to say!!! Unless anyone wants to hear about my shower this morning or how glad I am that I got chance to steam mop the kitchen floor (I kid you not - and today has,been a lovely day - but I bore myself these days hahaha). I will be eternally grateful and I apologise if this message annoys you (I have probably forgotten the pain and frustration to some extent - but not completely). Just be reassured that your feelings do not mean that it won't happen xxxx


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thanks LittleL


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Whoops, posted too soon! I understand what you're saying and when I'm in a better place (like today) i completely agree with you. When its a bad day though, it is very easy to get caught up in negative emotions. Today i feel nervously and cautiously excited for the future, whatever it may bring. I know there will be hard times again, but for now I'm going to cherish feeling alright


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