# Christmas



## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Shopping yesterday and the Christmas merchandise is starting to appear in the shops...and it's only Sept!


I can feel myself starting to look through some things and then I think 'what's the point'. I can buy presents, send cards, decorate our home...but what's the point. We don't have santa. We don't have children going to parties, writing cards, writing santa lists. We don't have other families and children calling to our home. What's the point of me trying to bring Christmas into our home when my husband doesn't notice.


I wish I could go away any time soon and come back about 1st Jan, when its all over.


I feel like a complete bah-humbug. Women in work having conversations about children and I have absolutely nothing to add. It hurts. A lot. I find this position in which I find myself crap all of the time, but this time of year just compounds things. I'm another year older and the realisation that this is it rings louder every year.


My options at the moment seem to be putting on a smile and showing interest in what everyone else is doing (do you have children - no we don't - how many do you have - aw that's lovely) while inside I'm dying a little bit more; or hibernating (prob not an option!) 


I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And yes I probably am, but the whole thing is just crap. I just feel like - what's the point - of making an effort about anything. What do I have to show for my life? 


Maybe when I wake up tomorrow it will be 1st Jan


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

I understand and find it really hard too.  For the first few years of ttc it wasn't too bad but now I want to hide away from it all.  On christmas eve 2015 we found out I was pregnant from our first IVF but then I later miscarried.  I found last christmas incredibly tough thinking about how our little one should have been here and how it would have been its first christmas (along with the memories of the christmas bfp).  Although it's not as raw now, we've had 2 more failed IVFs since and I am slightly dreading christmas as I think it's always going to bring up the sadness of not having our little baby.  It's such a tough time of year for so many. Hugs xxx


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## kittykat76 (Jan 17, 2016)

The build up to Christmas is awful for so many people, not just those of us who are on this journey. The advertisers portray a perfect life with a perfect relationship,rosy cheeked kids and it makes those of us who haven't got that "perfect" set up feel like a failure. I try and blot as much out as possible and remember that the majority of people are struggling with something at this time of the year and some are worse off with illness,homelessness etc
That's not to say you aren't allowed to feel sorry for yourself,you wouldn't be human if didn't have these down times and you have to do whatever you can for self preservation and look after yourself. I used to do my Christmas shopping early so could avoid the shops as the frenzy builds and being on here brings much support and comfort and makes you feel a bit less alone but I agree its the most rubbish time of the year and the only time I found that being without a family of my own really stings,can cope the rest of the year!


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

I know this is an old post but I just want to add that you have totally summed up how I feel right now. In fact I am working on Christmas day just so everyone else can have the day off with their kids and I can escape by being at work. The worst thing for me is knowing yet another year has gone by with still no extra name to add to the Christmas card :-(

Every year we think....maybe next year....but it never happens


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## Sasanach17 (Nov 17, 2017)

Hi CopperBird, I feel exactly the same way - third Christmas of TTC and still just me and DH. 

I will never forget the frustration of that first one with a heavily pregnant sister in law incapable of talking about anything else and us discovering on Christmas eve that what we thought might be a something was in fact a nothing. We genuinely enjoy the fun and excitement with the nieces and nephews, it's the the insensitive adults that drive me bonkers!

My fertility treatment road kicks off in late Jan / Feb so have treated myself to a bottle of my favourite gin to enjoy over Christmas... Make sure you treat yourself to something nice too!

No doubt we'll have a few "crackers" of insensitive one liners for this thread come 1st January.


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Today I was asked to work over new year but I prefer to be off new year rather than Christmas when we can spend it with friends (who don't have kids). I explained that I already had plans and it was frowned upon. Just feel sad that the one thing I can enjoy celebrating is overlooked, I'm obviously not allowed to enjoy myself at all over the festive season.

Sasanach17 - Good luck with your treatment in the new year, fingers crossed 2018 will be the one for you. Definitely make sure you enjoy and treat yourself beforehand  

Although, of course we will never understand how stressful xmas is as we don't have kids....


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. It magnifies blessings and privilege for some, for others, it's the opposite when grief, loss and loneliness feel the strongest. I wanted to send you a big hug. Is there something special you can do, that you wouldn't normally do, to at least occupy the time or make it less Christmas-y at Christmas? I know that sounds weird. An example would be, we started a tradition of seeing a play/musical on Christmas Eve, as we love doing things like that but paying for tickets for things takes a backseat when you're paying for treatments. Or, if you can afford it, getting away for a couple days or even a day/night and compromising on when you meet up with others? I used to envy those who still had the money to just get outta dodge and take a week's vacation over Christmas... go to a tropical place or somewhere that Christmas or strained relationships felt far away. I know none of these things necessarily are do-able for many, but just thinking of ways to re-frame a holiday and keep minds on something else.
xo


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