# What next? Building a new future.



## racheldevon (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi

Very recently my husband and I where told that we would not be put foward as adoption candidates, due to a bad time in my husband's life, which was over 20 years ago. This means that the final door to having a family has now been closed to us.

We have over the last 9 years tried clomid, iui, and ivf. I was ok with the first two forms of treatment, but found ivf hellish. It didn't help that I was fighting with my employer to be treated kindly and considerately, to have time off as I needed it - paid as I was entitled to. In the end I did win my case at work,so hopefully others will benefit. I have since left that company.

The problem I am facing now is I don't know what to do. I have spent most of my life planning for a family. If I had ambitions to be anything but a mother I can't remember what they are. Similarly, all the things I have done over the years and are still doing (Boys Bridgade, Sunday School, Scottish dancing etc) have lost their appeal now I know they are killing time for something that isn't going to happen.

I find that I have dealt ok with the end of treatment, but I am really struggling with the end of our adoption hopes. How do you build a future without the landmarks of children going to school, graduating, going to college/uni, getting married, having their own children? 

I could really do with some help. No one in my family understands, they all have children. They just think I am grieving, they don't get that I am so very lost without my baby hope.

Rachel


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I'm so sorry Rachel for all your lost hope. It is a tough call, especially as adoption has been ruled out. I too am facing a future without children, and all I can say is to be easy on yourself, you're not going to switch that yearning for a baby off overnight. But on the positive side - imagine a future that's whatever you want. Unlike the conventional family you have a clean slate - an open book in which to write your dreams. Think about the things that make you happiest and bring more of them into your life. Start new interests - even do something you would never normally try, like horse riding, rock climbing or watercolour painting. If you take up things like this you will meet a whole bunch of new people where the main topic of conversation is NOT babies. And as for the future, turn it around, imagine not having the worry of finding schools, paying fees; imagine holidays where and when you want them; imagine late and easy mornings and the freedom to do as you choose.
Stick around these boards and you will be inspired, as I have been, by the women here. THey are teaching me that it is indeed possible to build a full and happy life without children.
Bernie xxx


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hiya,

Well done for getting this far, especially for standing up to your  employer....you go girl  , as if you didnt have enough on your plate.
I had the same set of issues too, there is no real way for us to have any kind of family.  I have to say Bernie hit the nail on the head.  I went back to school and did a post grad actor training  course and I have since focussed on being an actress which was a real life time ambition.  It made me realise that there are other dreams that we all have.  I even started a little note book to note them all and then fulfill them e.g. films that I really want to watch, books that I want to read, places I want to go to etc.  This simple thing really helped as I cross off the list I just keep on adding to it and it really is good for my self esteem and it a clear and visible aid to show me that I can achieve things. Speaking to my Cyber-chums here at FF has also really helped as I feel as if I really belong in a community and that I'm not alone...even on those bad days that we all know and love  .

Keep strong


Natalie


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## racheldevon (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi

Many thanks for replying to me. I feel so much better for knowing I am not alone. Or more importantly the only one in this situation, the odd one out.

I think the idea of doing new things is great, just trying to think through what we would like to do. The list/book idea is great, it really appeals to my nature.

Strange as it may seem to some, I just enjoyed being able to rant as I liked without family guilt-ridden fallout occurring, like it did earlier this week, before I found this site.

Thanks

Rachel


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi Rachel

I am so sorry the adoption route appears closed to you. Whilst I appreciate the need for checks to be carried out for children that have already had a tough start in life, it seems so unfair that your past is scrutinised so heavily, and that a couple that so desperately want to give a child a loving home can be ruled out.

My husband isn't ready to look at adoption and I think we may be looked at unfavourably too, so not sure if it is even an avenue I can pursue.

My heart goes out to you  and a big 

I think the advice Bernie and Natalie have given is excellent, and I know exactly how you feel as I too am trying to come to terms with the possibilty of never having a family and what avenue my life can now take,  letting go of old dreams and creating some new ones.

Thank goodness we have each other for support on here!

Take care
Love Alison


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Rachel  

I'm afraid I can't find any comforting words so please have some understanding and empathatic hugs

    

They may not help.  But I know that just sharing on FF does.

Thank goodness for FF.  

I so know how you feel regarding looking ahead to old age with noone's budding young life to share and support and have a hand in.  It all feels so empty and meaningless.

My mother tries to cheer me up sometimes by saying that children aren't necessarilly always a blessing.  Sometimes they can bring much heartache too.  Not sure if that helps you but I think maybe it does sometimes for me.

Lots of love and hearfelt sympathy.

G xxx

P.S.  I've sent you some bubbles too.  For what it's worth.


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I'm sorry your attempts to adopt have run aground Rachel. What to do when all the attempts to have a family through whatever means, be it IVF, donor, adoption have ended is a biggy and one I struggled with for a long time.

In the last few years I switched jobs, we put the house up for sale to down size (sale collapsed but long story), we started going out alot - at 40+ I've got to be the oldest swinger in town - we book great holidays, long weekends away and I'm just about to embark in on a degree in HR.  

I love your advice Bernie, think of it as like starting with a clean slate and Natalie's idea of keeping a list of things to do is a good one.  On one hand you can see the above as "making up" for what's missing. On the other you can see it as making the most of what you've got. I prefer the latter.

I don't say the above lightly like some quick cure "book yourself on a course and everything will be fine" for me it's the total of three-ish difficult years of trying to work it all out but I just wanted to let you know that it might be a slow, painful process but don't give up.

flipper


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello

Building new hopes and dreams takes a while, it really does, however I'm amazed how far I've come on (even if I'm in a bit of a back-sliding patch at the moment).  My main advice is to take it slowly.  Don't try to find an ambition that will 'take the place of being a mother' all at once.  Some people are lucky and have an alternative ambition, but most people I guess don't, and the challenge of filling that huge hole in your heart, mind and soul is so huge it all gets too much.  Start off with little hopes and dreams some for you, and some for you and your partner together, and build it up from there.  The one thing you have now that all the avenues have been closed for you is certainty and freedom to chose.  But when we were where you now are, I found even having a concious wish about what I wanted to do tomorrow impossible, let alone what I wanted for the rest of my life!

Stick in there - it does get better, promise!

Jx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Rachel,

You have had such a hard time, I am sorry to hear that. You have come to the right place for support and understanding. I think you will have found the replies contain words of wisdom born of experience. It s sad that so many of us have been through experiences like yours, but it is heartwarming to know things do get better over time and to see how others have managed to find ways forward.

I need not repeat he things that have been said, but wanted to send you  a 

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Rach,

I am very sorry its taken me so long to reply to this thread.
I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, its so very cruel to have all doors closed upon you, and it must feel like a very lonely place for you to be in.
Sending you my love and a very tight  
Emcee x


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