# help



## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

um i'm not sure were to start, am writing this all as im trying to help myself over come grief! and nothing is working. i am so alone in my head space at the moment and don't know where to go, i feel i am generally going mad all i seem to do is cry, or feel sorry for myself this is not me so if anyone has any ideas of how to pick your self up after the realization child aren't in your future. we have been trying for years failed treatments and now we have been turned down for adoption. someone  please help me xxxxxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm so sorry to read that you find yourself in our boat. 
Sounds like things are really raw right now? The only thing I wish that someone had told me in the early days of grief is that it's okay to feel rough at the moment and not try to 'move on'.. Just put one foot in front of the other at the moment and do whatever the hell you want to....I remember I signed up to a lifecoach and demanded that she tell me what to do with my life! Truth is, I just needed to grieve at that stage...plenty of time to 'move on' later.  Also, please know that there are loads of us out there it's just that we are there in the shadows at the moment... Xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Hello Zoe,

I am sorry to hear you have had some challenges recently, on top of an already tough journey. Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Your GP can help you access a range of support, such as counselling or medication. 

If you are employed, your employer might provide you with access to counselling as one of your benefits (telephone or face to face).

If you are able to pay for private treatment, you may wish to search for a therapist near you who specialises in infertility. 

Do you have any friends or family members who can be with you and listen, in the meantime? If not, there are several charitable organisations with kind people who can provide some short term support for people in crisis, like the Samaritans.

Grieving a loss like this takes time, and it can feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world. If you find yourself unable to do your daily tasks or if you start to have negative thoughts about yourself, you should seek help. You deserve to feel good about yourself, even while you are grieving. For me, it helped to volunteer,  to invest in my career, and to practice mindfulness. Accepting how you are, even in these horrible low times, is such a powerfully kind thing you can do for yourself. As Katehe said, give yourself space to safely grieve.

Please continue to share here; you will find people are understanding and kind.


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Zoe


So sorry to hear you are going through this. The grief is something no-one can even imagine, unless they've been through it themselves.


I'm not saying this is for you, but my coping mechanism was to distance myself from anyone who might trigger the sadness. I was 'lucky' as my sister had also had fertility problems so she was a great support, as were a couple of friends who'd had similar experiences. As for anyone nosey, stupid and/or ignorant enough to ask whether we had children, I had a few stock answers I would snap at them. I spent many a moment in ladies toilets, deep breathing and splashing my face with water. It is a self preservation thing.


But, please, please do not feel you are alone. This predicament makes us feel as though we are so alone, but there are so many of us out there who know how you feel. Forums like this are a great help.


I have been through it all, even the failed adoption, and life does get better. I still have bad days, but it passes faster and I don't dwell on it as much.


Following a lot of gynaecological problems, I'm now looking at the possibility of a hysterectomy, something that would have horrified me a few years ago, but I'm stronger now and looking at my health more with my head than my heart.


So, I know it feels like your world is a very dark place at the moment, and you can't see how life will ever be happy again, but it does get better. Talk to friends, talk to a counsellor (my GP has one on site and this really helped), and most importantly, talk to your partner, let it all out. You say 'we', so it sounds as though you have a good partner. Don't shut them out, they may not show it, but they are the one person who knows exactly how you feel right now and they are going through the same grief. All of this can bring you closer together. You have someone to share this awful situation with.


Take care of yourself, there is life after fertility treatment and adoption. It may not be the life you had hoped for, but there are new challenges and positives to emerge from what now seems to be an awful place to be.


X


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

thank you for the advice/support ladies!! I just cant see a way forward at the moment, when do you give up fighting for something you want so much?? but i have started talking to my husband and letting him in on how i really feel. unfortunately i cant distant myself from any of this as my younger sister is heavily pregnant with her second and two bestfriends are pregnant with their 3rd babies, and i work with children. i just want some one to tell me when i will feel better about every thing xxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Dear Zoe, 
For me, I never truly 'felt better'; it's more that I learned to live my life with the element of sadness that will penetrate your world at different times and take you off your feet, even when you thought you were doing well. BUT, the element of sadness WILL reduce in terms of severity and quantity. In time, your world will shift and you WILL be okay, I promise. But, time is the only thing that will help as you learn to be 'reminded' and to pick yourself up sooner, until you turn into a resilient amazing human being that you never realised you could be. So, at the moment it's about riding the roller  coaster but doing ANYTHING you can to feel better 'just for today'. I recommend not thinking about the future, but just getting thru each day/week/month and remember that no-one knows their future; even those yummy mummies that we 'compare and dis pair' ourselves to. I must admit that I don't worry about money like I used to, and I do whatever I can to make myself feel better 'because I can' and because 'surely there has to be an upside to no children?!'  
To start with though, for me  it was about getting through each day (get up, eat, work) and to go through counselling; before I could even think about adventures and living a plan B life (which I am still working on). I also was desparate to meet other ppl which definitely helped and makes me feel less isolated and who I can joke with as they just 'get it'. I also for a long time; had to be doing something in the background that 'might just help' rather than 'moved on' over night; rather, I knew tht my hopes would reduce naturally over time.  So I was still taking vitamins, looking at donor options, seeing an immune doctor, etc up to a year or so after our 'last failed attempt'. I also came off this website for a long time; to stop the obsession that had built to find the 'miracle cure'.


This is my experience, and I am sorry that there is no magic answer... Don't push yourself too much at this stage. Kate xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Zoe,
I don't often post on this board anymore but I've been where you are, minus the failed fertility treatment which we could never afford to try. We've now also given up on adoption. 
I'd just like to second everything Katehe has said. It does get better over time but to start with you need to live day by day and not try to look too far ahead. The acute grief does subside (I used to cry for hours at night) and the triggers get fewer, though just yesterday I was reminded that I haven't been able to give my mother grandchildren and that still hurts. You find other things in life you want to do, that will give you pleasure or a sense of achievement. The gap in my life remains but it's not so big any more. Also, getting steadily older helps, because everyone your age is facing the empty nest rather than looking after young children and the hormones start to settle down a bit, though I've still not gone through menopause even at the age of 53!
I remember only too well what those stabs of early grief are like and my heart goes out to you. It will get better but that's so hard to believe at first. It's a process and it takes time. Like Katehe, I found it was best not to slam the door shut at first and if we ever won the lottery, I would still do surrogacy abroad (we're talking miracle territory but still...). Hang in there. You deserve to have a life and a good one. xx


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