# Coping with miscarriage after IVF



## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

Dear all,

I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down and hope you don't mind me doing so here...

We had our first round of IVF treatment in August last year and we got a BFN.  We had our second at the end of February/beginning of March and we got a BFP.  The happiest day of my life.  However the worst 3 weeks of my life started 3 weeks ago today when we went for the viability scan.  Long story short, 5 scans later, it was confirmed that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I went in for an ERPC on Friday and it was an incredibly long and difficult day.  Physically I feel OK, just a bit of pain now and again.  Emotionally, I don't know how I feel any more.  I am slowly feeling slightly better, but I have cried every day since the 8th of April when we had our first scan.

I used to be such a happy, positive, enthusiastic person and I feel like the infertility and now this is sucking the happiness out of me.  We only have 1 go left before we'd have to pay for treatment ourselves, but I feel so hopeless.  We want to start the treatment as soon as we can, which we believe will be August time as we assume it's still just the usual 6 months wait, but I am so scared.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage and we have wonderful family, friends and work colleagues which has definitely helped us in coping with this grief and pain.

We cannot get pregnant naturally - it's practically impossible, so I know this last round of IVF is most likely our last chance.  I feel a lot of pressure for the last go.  I am also struggling with people around me being pregnant - I have to keep smiling and congratulating them and now it's going to be even harder.

Any advice/words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading/letting me 'talk' xxx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi Toria

I'm so sorry for your loss  As you can see from my signature I've had two early miscarriages myself and know how utterly devastating they are.

I'm the moderator on the loss boards:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0

We have a thread on there for coping adter miscarriage, you'll find lots of ladies in similar situations and similar stories. You'd be very welcome to come and join us for some support, they're a lovely bunch xx

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=319382.280

Wendy


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## star17 (Oct 31, 2012)

Toria,

I am so sorry to hear your news - that is just horrid.  Sending you massive hugs.

I had a very similar situation to you in that I had a BFP following on from an IVF cycle that ended up being a mc.  Mine was drawn out (as it sounds like yours was) through various scans as there was some growth - just not enough - until there was no more.

It was one of the most difficult times of my life - but I am sitting here a year or so later and it does feel like a bit of a distant memory.  Don't get me wrong I am still sad - but it is true time is a healer.  Give yourself the proper time to grieve (which I defo didn't!) and then start planning the next round.  The practical planning made a real difference to me as I felt I was moving forwards.

Take care and good luck


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi Toria, I just wanted to send you a huge  

We've had a similar experience to you - but a BFP on our first try (miscarriage at 5-6 weeks) and a negative on our second.  We have just the one little frostie to try left and then that will be it.  Pretty much a nil chance of us ever experiencing a natural pregnancy too, I can't kid myself about it because we haven't managed it in 4 years of trying and my age is definitely against us now.

I really relate to your feeling of infertility sucking the happiness out of you.  I feel like it's sucked the life out of both DH and I sometimes.  I can't remember a time when I wasn't feeling like I do and I'm really scared about what the future will hold if our little frostie doesn't make it.

It's wonderful that you have such a strong relationship, family & friends around you.  I know that it doesn't help you feel better much of the time but it is such a powerful thing to keep you going.

I think that planning our second cycle really helped me to focus on something other than my miscarriage, it's a feeling like I've never experienced before, I am so sorry for what you have been through.

Sending you lots of   and wishes for your next stage xxxx


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## Bubbles12 (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi toria,

So sorry to read this. Its truly awful isnt it?

I had my 1st miscarriage after my 1st cycle a little over 2 years ago now and I still feel I am stuck there..I cried everyday for 3 months when it happened. I think about it every day.. And I mean EVERYDAY!!  Its all very draining... I stupidly jumped straight back into another cycle when I miscarried... Thinking the only way to deal with the grief was to concentrate on another cycle. Only that bit me in the bum as I then suffered another miscarriage. It was only then did I get so low, I was having sucidal thoughts daily and had an impact on every aspect of my life. I have now realised that if I haven't got a cycle to concentrate on, I fall big time!!

I cant talk to anyone, as I sound like a broken record so feel very lonely in my thoughts...
I feel like the miscarriages have shaped who I am now... Like you, I was a happy go lucky kinda girl, not a care in the world except the need for a child... Now, I am hope, the one that has had 2 miscarriages.. Although, to work colleagues, im still the bubbly, happy go lucky girl... They dont see the sadness in my heart. I have never felt sadness like it...

What makes it worse is that I still get that excited, contented feeling when I reminisce about when I got my BFP.. which only makes me sadder...

Have I got over my losses? No, I dont think you do, you just get used to the feeling of sadness.....

Hope u feel better soon xxx


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## wenisk (Feb 12, 2013)

Hi Toria,

I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Although it can feel we are the only people going through this and it can be very isolating as whilst friends are family are supportive they can't really understand the pain.  I just had my ERPC yesterday. We got our BFP on 19th march after our first round of ICSI (couldn't believe our luck!). Had our early scan on 16th April. I remember feeling terrified of going to scan and I think deep down I must have known something was wrong as I vividly remember when I left work to drive to the clinic for the scan a feeling that everything was going to change and to enjoy these last moments of being pregnant. I do tend to be a worry wart - I was convinced the IVF wouldn't work- so I still clung to the fact I was probably being over pessimistic. When the nurse said she couldn't find a heartbeat I just went into shock. We saw the perfect little baby bean but measurements indicated it had stopped growing a week before and no heartbeat. They made us come back for a follow-up scan last week (23rd) but I knew in my heart our wee one was gone. We had gone private as I am 38 and NHS waiting list is nearly 2 years in my area. I was then handed over to NHS for treatment. Going in for the EPRC yesterday will haunt me for ever.  

Physically I feel fine but mentally I am pretty low and it's seems like any plans for being a mum are far away. We didn't have any frozen embryos so will need to do another fresh cycle (so another 5k). I can't even bear the thought of going through all that again and the thought of it ending up in another miscarriage is terrifying.  We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year before going to IVF as we went for checks early doors before we started trying just to rule out any issues so we wouldn't waste time given my age. I had low AMH and my husband had slightly low motility although apparently no real reason why we couldn't get pregnant naturally although it didn't happen with 12 months of serious trying  . 

I've been off since the scan on April 16th but thinking of going back towards end of this week. Apart from anything it will stop my obsessive goggling about all things fertility and miscarriage related (7hrs today  ) I do have a really stressful job so not sure how im gonna cope with making any serious decisions, sitting in meetings and acting like I care etc etc. However, I know the longer I leave it the harder it will be to go back.

Sorry for long post but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Plus for every negative story I have googled over the past 2 weeks there is a positive one, it's just when you feel low it's easier to believe the negative stories.

Miscarriage after fertility treatment is a double blow as we don't really have the luxury of getting pregnant the next cycle (although that doesn't mean that these girls pain is any less at their loss but perhaps they feel less despair about the future).

Big hugs  

Wendy xx


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## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

wendycat said:


> Hi Toria
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss  As you can see from my signature I've had two early miscarriages myself and know how utterly devastating they are.
> 
> ...


Thank you - I did think after I posted that I'm sure there was probably a more appropriate board. Thank you again xxx


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## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

star17 said:


> Toria,
> 
> I am so sorry to hear your news - that is just horrid. Sending you massive hugs.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry that you have been through a similar thing . I know this is the worst thing I have ever been through...and I have been through a fair amount in life to be honest. I have been off work for almost 4 weeks (I'm a teacher so 2 weeks holiday, 2 weeks sick leave) and I'm glad I'm giving myself time to deal with this properly, because I know in the long run it will be harder if I don't.

Thank you for your advice. I hope things are better for you now? xxx


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## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

Molly99 said:


> Hi Toria, I just wanted to send you a huge
> 
> We've had a similar experience to you - but a BFP on our first try (miscarriage at 5-6 weeks) and a negative on our second. We have just the one little frostie to try left and then that will be it. Pretty much a nil chance of us ever experiencing a natural pregnancy too, I can't kid myself about it because we haven't managed it in 4 years of trying and my age is definitely against us now.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. You took the words out of my mouth - I said to my husband and to my Mum the other day "I feel like I don't remember a time when we weren't dealing with this". We are going to focus on the final cycle, but we are also going to try to focus on other things - we've booked a couple of weekends away, we're planning things to look forward to. I think we need to take a backseat for a little while if you know what I mean. Really sorry to hear you have been through a similar thing, I really hope your little frostie works out for you xxx


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## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

Hope84 said:


> Hi toria,
> 
> So sorry to read this. Its truly awful isnt it?
> 
> ...


So sorry to read your story - it's heartbreaking isn't it? I am trying to be positive and I am trying to plan things to look forward to, etc, because I am very aware that we get one shot at life and I really don't want to spend it being miserable. I always remember "It will all be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end". I do find it difficult to remember sometimes, but I am really trying...I will keep my fingers crossed for you xxx


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## Toria29 (May 17, 2013)

wenisk said:


> Hi Toria,
> 
> I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Although it can feel we are the only people going through this and it can be very isolating as whilst friends are family are supportive they can't really understand the pain. I just had my ERPC yesterday. We got our BFP on 19th march after our first round of ICSI (couldn't believe our luck!). Had our early scan on 16th April. I remember feeling terrified of going to scan and I think deep down I must have known something was wrong as I vividly remember when I left work to drive to the clinic for the scan a feeling that everything was going to change and to enjoy these last moments of being pregnant. I do tend to be a worry wart - I was convinced the IVF wouldn't work- so I still clung to the fact I was probably being over pessimistic. When the nurse said she couldn't find a heartbeat I just went into shock. We saw the perfect little baby bean but measurements indicated it had stopped growing a week before and no heartbeat. They made us come back for a follow-up scan last week (23rd) but I knew in my heart our wee one was gone. We had gone private as I am 38 and NHS waiting list is nearly 2 years in my area. I was then handed over to NHS for treatment. Going in for the EPRC yesterday will haunt me for ever.
> 
> ...


Will email you xxx


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## pumpkin1975 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ladies

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through. Miscarriage after ivf must be devastating. My heart goes out to you all. I wish you well for the future.


Jx


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## melbg (Jun 10, 2012)

Can I (reluctantly) join you ladies please? 
Mine was a very early loss, 5 only had 5 happy days before the lines started fading. I had a week off work after finding out and I'm glad I went back then from a distraction point of view, but with 2 pregnant colleagues and an office full of women you can guess what most conversations are about. Some days are easier than others though. I have a feeling that those who know think I should be over it by now, and while planning our fet for June has helped, I'm struggling to deal with anything baby related. Life seems so unfair and I'm going through a "why me?" phase at the moment.

I'm sorry for you all to be dealing with this too. I hope that we are able to help each other through these tough times.
Mel xx


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