# How did you decide who would be bio Mum?



## Guest (Oct 14, 2009)

DP and I are about to start TTC through her again. Sometimes I worry that it is never going to happen  . How did you decide which one of you was going to carry your LO?
DP has had lots of gynae problems and surgery and irregular periods so we kind of expected it would be hard for her to conceive ( maybe not this hard  ) I am that bit older and, at the time of deciding to have a family, I was a bit unsure as to whether I was ready. DP had been talking about it for about 2 years and felt she could love any baby. I wanted to carry our baby as I felt that the bond that my pregnancy would create, would get rid of any doubts I had about being ready to be a Mum. It certainly did! I am so thankful to DP for 'letting' me be pregnant first as I know she sometimes wishes she had tried first considering it is now taking so long. But then we may still be childless now and I can't imagine not having DS. I think the fact that we both have a desire to carry a child makes it a little bit more complicated


----------



## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hey moo,

We were in a similar situation that both of us wish to experience pregnancy and birth, we decided that amber would carry first as I had just qualified as a midwife and wanted to work for a few years, then the plan is for me to carry our second child. As it doesn't bother us about the biology - if we get any frosties from our next cycle then I will have FET with amber's embies if not I will have a full cycle with mine...

I don't think both wanting to carry makes things more complicated for us, I can't wait to look after amber throughout her pregnancy and birth and find it exciting to be able to experience 'both sides' of parenting. 

Love L xx


----------



## Guest (Oct 14, 2009)

Hi Lynn,
I am guessing from this post that your cycle was not successful, really sorry  
At the minute I think I am feeling a bit detached from the baby making because it has just been such a rollercoaster. I also have an intense craving to be pregnant again. I know a lot of my friends who had LOs around the same time have had that same feeling aswell and are having or trying for number 2 now. I think there is some sort of biological programming that makes you want to keep popping out more  . I am sure I will feel just like you when DP is pregnant! I have warned her though that I will be equally unsympathetic when she has her head down the loo everyday  . Like yourselves, biology is of no issue to either of us and I know we have talked about me carrying one of DP's embies if she keeps having problems. I think that is the most wonderful thing as it feels like the nearest thing to actually having a child together. Good luck for your future treatment xx


----------



## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Moo,

it was easy for us..

DP has no desire at all to carry a child.. she says the thought of something growing inside her freaks her out.. she also hates needles and speculums lol

I really want to carry a child and would be happy with mine or DP's eggie's as for me its about carrying and giving birth.

I cant believe how close this tx has brought us together.. DP got all tearful the other day (and i joined in lol I blame the clomid im not a softy really  ) she said she was so proud of me, for going through all the drugs, needles, scans and speculums..  

We've had the discussion if this doesnt work on me after IUI and IVF then DP will carry (SHE WILL CARRY! i keep telling her that lol) either her egg or mine so we get the family we want.

Hopefully it wont come to that but if it does i'd rather have a child that i didnt carry than no child at all!


----------



## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

even tho gabs never wanted to carry a baby i can relate lyn to liking the idea of taking care of her in preg and esp in labour ... its making me want to be a doula!!

moo - think you def want to keep popping them out!

weird isnt it!


----------



## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

In our case I've always really wanted to carry whereas Rae's always been a bit ambivalent, but when it came to actually making a baby she decided she wanted to try and we tried 12 cycles with her. I found this tough as I really wanted to go through the experience myself but I knew I'd get my chance for number two. As a doula I knew I'd love caring for her as she cooked and birthed our baby. There are ten years between us and as Rae was nearing forty and I still had lots of time on the old biological clock it just made sense to give her the first shot. In the end she got pregnant once out of those 12 cycles but miscarried very early on and then decided that she was done trying for the time being.

We got pregnant on the 6th cycle we tried with me and originally said we'd try to get her pregnant very soon after Ember was born, but when the time came we knew we weren't ready to add to our family yet. We were just enjoying having Ember so much we didn't want to complicate things and we've had other things going on. She's not two yet and we've moved house twice since her birth. Having Ember also changed Rae's perspective which is that she couldn't feel more of a mother to her if she'd given birth to her herself and as I'd like to do it all again and Rae's now 41 it makes sense to go with me again.

Every couple is different in this one. I agree that biology is really not important. I'd love to carry a child made from Rae's eggs, but we can't afford to even begin to look into it financially and we've no idea how viable her 41 year old eggs would be. 

I've definitely got that 'urge' again now too. Those animal instincts are funny things aren't they?

Gina. x


----------



## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

There was no decision making for us; Karen's already gone through the menopause (on the early side), and in any case, would never have wanted to carry a baby/give birth. Whereas I really wanted to do the whole pregnancy/birth thing. So it was all very easy for us both from that point of view. 
I would really love to do it all again (especially now, knowing that it may not happen, I realise just how much I took for granted last time in terms of not marking milestones etc., thinking I'd get to do it all again in the future). There is such a strong trend for people to be having second children/getting pregnant with a sibling by the time their first child is at/around age 2, that it feels quite weird to not be doing that. Although I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that Toby may be an only child, it will be hard facing up to it for good as/when it comes to it. But that's a totally different issue to yours!

I really hope that TTC is more successful for your DP this time around Moo


----------



## Guest (Oct 15, 2009)

nismat said:


> Although I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that Toby may be an only child, it will be hard facing up to it for good as/when it comes to it. But that's a totally different issue to yours!


I have definately changed how I feel about fertility in the last 18 months. When we had DS, I didn't think for a second that getting pregnant would be a problem and I always imagined having about 3 kids. As I have learnt more and more about how your fertility changes over the years and you realise just how little control you have over it, I do now often think that DS may be our only child. And even if he isn't, he may be the only child I carry as we may put 2 embies back into DP and if she has twins then that will be our family complete. I will be 35 next year aswell and I know that fertility success rates tend to drop at that age and obviously I will be in the 35-38 year bracket if I ever try again. I also had plans to donate my eggs but we don't want to go through that process until we have another child. 35 is the cut off for donating so I may never achieve it. 
My sister is 34 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child and she mentions when the baby moves sometimes. I find that as time goes on I forget what all those feelings are like and my memories of those precious 9 months get more and more distant. I wish I'd paid a bit more attention at the time


----------



## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

moo2275 said:


> I wish I'd paid a bit more attention at the time


Exactly! ^

And the rest too - you're quite right at how easy it is to take fertility for granted. I took it for granted that we would have at least one more child, even though it took a while to get pregnant with Toby, and I'd begun to think that it may never happen. But once it did, I just assumed that we could do it again!
"Ms older, wiser and much less fertile" x


----------



## katena (Nov 14, 2007)

It was an easy decision for us...im 28...and DP is 46..obviously age is on my side. She didn't want to carry anyways, plus has very butch/boyish looks so was not comfortable with being pregnant!

Whereas i want to carry! yey!

K


----------



## Guest (Oct 15, 2009)

katena said:


> has very butch/boyish looks so was not comfortable with being pregnant!


----------



## Guest (Oct 15, 2009)

katena said:


> has very butch/boyish looks so was not comfortable with being pregnant!


I have to admit that being the more boyish half of the couple, just added to my desire to carry our LO. I guess I felt that everyone expected DP to carry the baby as she looks like the girly, mumsy one! MIL was very surprised when we told her I was pregnant as she thought I was not maternal because of my appearance. I do love a pair of heals on a night out but on a day to day basis I'm happiest in a pair of combats and a T-shirt. Being pregnant definately made me feel more feminine and I grew my hair long and loved buying maternity clothes. After DS was born I had a bit of an identity crisis as I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to dress anymore . My hair is short again now and the combats are back (just a size larger ) and that's how I feel happiest.


----------



## Misspie (Feb 1, 2009)

Well, I didn't give DP much of a choice  

No seriously, we both want to carry, but physically and menatally she doens't quite feel ready yet to carry, but she feels more than ready to be a parent. I'm slightly older by 20months, and as I'm coming up 30 this year, plus have un-regular periods and slight PCOS we thought it wold be easier to get me out of the way. And I'm broody as hell, and ca't wait to be pregnant!

x


----------



## cutelittlepumpkin (Nov 1, 2007)

It was pretty straight forward for us too, DW was never really interested in carrying in the beginning and as I was slightly older and maybe a little "desperate" to be pregnant we started with me! Expecting it to take maybe a few shots at DIUI as I was only 26 and had no known fertility issues.

Well at the age of 31 I finally became a Mummy, after 5 x DIUI all with clomid, a diagnosis of PCOS and Hughes Syndrome 2 MC and 2 ISCI. 

I laugh at how naive we were back in the beginning when I look back at our journey! 

We had originally planned that I would do 3 x DIUI and if no  move on to DW, well I couldn't let go! And fortunately DW was very supportive and understanding, so we vowed to keep going until I got PG or we ran out of money!  

Anyway we are now planning #3 and will be having a FET with me again    as somewhere along the rocky road to parenthood DW has decided that parenting is not about who carries and gives birth, but about the cuddles, smiles, tucking them into bed and all the other stuff that has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with being a Mummy!   

CLP


----------

