# Birthing Partner !!



## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hello Everyone
I need some help and support from you ladies, some of you may know that my 17yr old SD is living with me now and she is pregnant, she is due in May.
Having her living here has been a constant test on my emotions as you may be able to imagine.
Having to be in constant role play of the doting step mum, being faced with not only hearing all about every little detail of her pregnancy and facing the bump which is now growing and changing every day, having to oblige and feel baby kicking, having to take her shopping for baby stuff, having to buy nappies with each weeks shopping, having to live with all this baby stuff around my house ...The list of things which have caused me pain could go on and on and the fact that ive kept myself together is a miracle ...I think I deserve an oscar for my performance over the past few months .... But .... I have just realised the worst is yet to come, very soon she is going to go into labour and she wants me to be her birthing partner  
she is then going to come home with a newborn baby, I don't think my acting skills are going to hold out much longer and I am terrified I am setting myself up for a massive fall.
I keep trying to remind myself that at least I get the chance to be a doting Nanny even if Ive missed out on the Mum bit, and that is a good thing, but all this has just made me realise (selfishly or not) that I dont want to be a Nan, I want to be a Mum, I thought I was coping with the fact that I would never have a child of my own but that decision is much easier when you can keep yourself at arms length from pregnant bumps and new mums!
How the heck am I going to be able to witness at first hand the miracle of childbirth, I think my SD just wants me to be able to experience everything through her and this is so sweet of her, I am very close to her and I know she really needs me with her but I am terrified of what all this is going to do to my own very fragile emotions.
Lots of love to you all
Dydie xxxxxx


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## Pilchardcat (Feb 1, 2003)

Dydie....sending hugs to you for this very extreme situation you are in....you never know you might surprise yourself 

Good luck
Love Amanda xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Wow, Dydie, this really IS a tough one isn't it?  I've read (and replied) some of you posts elsewhere and I know you're going through a mega-tough time of it at the moment.

Firstly, hats off to you girl for trying your very best for your Step-Daughter - that is the first thing.  You are DEFINITELY NOT selfish - reading between the lines, you sound anything BUT.  You are willing to put your own emotions on the line for the sake of your SD!!  You can't blame yourself for looking for a bit of self-preservation.

Can I ask, does your SD know about your situation?  I know she is only 17 but I wonder if things got TOO tough, if she would understand?..... or would this just put more of a strain on the home-front?

Secondly, I can totally appreciate why you want to give this support to your SD, but ultimately, I would worry about who is looking after you?  After all, if you end up cracking under this huge pressure you are under, then ultimately, your SD will have to try and not rely on you as much anyway.  I hope I'm not speaking out of tune here but as you say, I would be worried you are pulling it off just now but the pressure you are under is building and bubbling away and ready to burst and you could well be setting yourself up for a massive fall.

Of course, the other side of it is, maybe you might just surprise yourself after all and ........ perhaps ....... be able to embrace it and allow yourself to "enjoy" the baby.  Can I tell you about my experience?  I have one brother.  He recently met a girl with a beautiful 1.5 year old baby girl.  At first, I couldnt handle it at all.  I used to avoid family occassions and worried that I would NEVER cope with the family WATCHING to see how I reacted.  Eventually, I FORCED myself to building a relationship with her.  I offered to take her to a kiddies theatre show at Christmas and I loved every minute of it.  I think what I'm trying to say here is that at first, I only regarded the wee one as a "commodity" that I couldnt have.  But, then I realised that she was actually a wee person too, and, capable of developing a relationship with me.  Of course, it can never even begin to match having my own but, I now feel, in a small way, I'm not "missing out" as much as I could be if I kept running away and avoiding the situation.  I think it's actually made me alot stronger and I believe these things happen/come into our lives for a reason.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I allow myself to have them and try not to dwell on them - I just get up the next day and try to get on with it.

Regarding the issue of the birth, I think this is something you should maybe think about talking over with your SD and/or your DH.  Do you think you would be able to find the strength to sort of "detach yourself" when the baby is born?  I know this is what I try and do with baby photos but I can appreciate that your situation is ALOT more difficult.

God, I dont know what else I can say, I only hope I have given you something to think about here,
Please, please, just try and remember, yes, your SD is important, but YOU are important too,
Be kind to yourself,
Good luck and you know where we are 
Love Gill xo


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Dydie

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm in foggy land at the moment and can't believe that you are being so very brave having her living with you. I'd definately be locked up in either prison or a lunatic asylum by now.   

This must be incredibly hard for you hun.  

I know from meeting both you and SD, and your messages on here that things aren't great at home, but could she not rely on someone else other than you and DH? I know it sounds harsh but she has to start taking responsibility for her actions and I'm not sure that you and DH being put upon so much is very good for your relationship. You need to put yourself first for a little while and work out what is fair to you.
Perhaps she could try standing on her own two feet for a while. Does she have any plans for after the baby arrives? You need to be selfish about this - you are the person that it is effecting and it is neither your fault nor your choice that has left you dealing with all of this.

Does you DH know how much it is affecting you? What is he doing to make the situation more bearable for you?

Sorry if this is turning into a rant but I'm so angry about the situation you are in - its seem so [email protected]@dy unfair. 

I hope you can find the strength to get through it all and if you need a break you know where I am hun.
Take care
Debs


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## RachieJ (Jan 30, 2006)

Dydie said:


> Hello Everyone
> I need some help and support from you ladies, some of you may know that my 17yr old SD is living with me now and she is pregnant, she is due in May.
> 
> I know how you feel, not completely because I DO have kids, but I empathise with you.
> ...


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Dydie
I admire the fact that you have been so brave through all of this, but i think that you have realised that you know your limitations...
Maybe its time to start thinking about yourself and putting your feelings first. You have been so supportive towards your step daughter and she has been so lucky to have you. It seems as if she really apprieciates you and thinks alot of you to want you to be there at the birth of her child. You have been there when she has wanted to go shopping and i am sure been a very good listening ear..
Now what is it that you need to deal with all of these emotions
Is it possible to sit down and have a chat with her and your hubby to explain that it is all getting abit to much for you and that it is an emotive area in your life as well...
I think Dydie you may need to look at what is best for you at this present moment and what it is that you can cope with?
Of course having a new arrival is going to bring all the emotional feelings that you have to the forefront. Its as if you haven't had time to get in touch with your own childlessness, that you are faced with something that is right on your doorstep...
Maybe the birth is something that you may or may not beable to do? can you expain to your step daughter that you want to be there but may not beable to cope with it.....take the pressure of yourself and if you decide that you can do it last minute then do it....I am sure she will understand...Could she find support from other members in the family?
Maybe you need time out and maybe think about going for some counselling to deal with your emotions...
i think your step daughter has all the love and support from you and your hubby....what about you, you need that as well....
I feel sad because its a situation that would be a persons nightmare, when you are going through infertility and trying to move forward....but you can only do so much in life and there is always a time when you need to stand back and protect yourself...
Maybe if you think about you and deal with your emotions maybe you will beable to move forward and find some joy in this situation....also take the pressure of yourself about the 'nan' bit maybe ask her if you can be the Aunt because you feel more comfortable with this....or something that you find is more suitable for yourself....
I was called a great aunt once and didn't respond to it (i think they caught on in the end)...i was really angry because i thought i am not even a mother and i felt that the label had just aged me....it doesn't happen now and i am his aunt and i feel more comfortable about that...
Think of yourself...
lots of love astridxxx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Hi Dydie - What lovely replies you have had 

I just wanted to say well done on coping with everything this far - You will contiune to be strong for your SD and you will Enjoy the new dimension this baby will bring to the relationship.
I was at the birth of my nephew - what an amazing experience - If I never have a child of my own then witnessing this little scrap come into the world and being a influence in His (and his brothers ) life will sustain me for a long time yet to come.

It is not the same as having your own child - it does not replace that longing - but it does give you a new perspective and determination.

Whatever you do decide talk it over with those that matter, My SIL knew about my IF and she was supportive to me,
I then spent an awfull lot of time with them as a family in the early years and see them almost every day now I believe it has made me a les selfish person.
and just tonight my nephew wrote on a big page of paper that I was the best auntie in the world and he loved me! 
        
~Dizzi~


PS I noticed this post - cause I was looking to see who on FF shared my birthday with me


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Ive just read all your replies ladies and as usual that deep emotional feeling
of not being alone is welling up inside me, I am a little choked up at the moment and will reply properly to your wonderful posts later when I recover some
composure,  
but I just wanted to say thank you!

Love to you all Di xxxxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Dydie, you know i am in a similar situation and my stepdaughter is 15 next month. She is a lovely girl but easily led (gets this from her idiot mother) and i always fear that she will come home and tell us she is pg!!! 

I dont think i could cope with it ,but as i am not in that situation and pray i never am ,it is all hypothetical. 

You are amazingly brave and you DO deserve a medal for all you have been thru!! I know you probably feel that as the older person you have to help but i really do not think i could handle the birthing partner bit!!! 

Of course being the person i am too i would probably run away at first and then feel so guilty that i had to come back. My sd's own mother is crap in all aspects of her life.What i would find hard is if she turned round after all the love we have given her and asked her real mum to help.

What is your sdaughters real mum doing?. Maybe the fact that she is relying on you is a compliment that she wants you over her real mum. xxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dydie, (and Rach)
My heart goes out to you both because your situations are hellish after you both going through so much. Its no wonder you're reeling.

I wish I could offer you some advice, I can't better what the ladies have already said about perhaps bailing out of the birth if its going to become too much, and possibly laying down some foundations for the future for the mum(s) to be regarding living arrangements etc. Its such a difficult and heart wrenching situation to be in.

Sending you both my love and heartfelt wishes that there is something that can be done to give your hearts some ease throughout all of this.

Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Dydie
Just wanted to send you an Im...to say that i am thinking of you.....
You know where we are if you want to chat...
love astridxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Thanks Astrid  

well just to give you all a quick update ...

I don't know if ive said before but my SD had fallen out with her Mum, I have been "working" on her for a while now to get them speaking again and a few weeks back they met up, since then they hardly seem to have been apart and ive hardly seen the SD .... anyway .... I know she has now asked her Mum to be her birthing partner, she still says she wants me with her (though I think she is just trying to be kind) the other day we were at a family dinner for her birthday and she was telling her cousins that I was going to be her birthing partner because I could not have kids and it would be nice for me!  
I know she thinks she is being nice ... to give me the experience of child birth but this is so typical of someone who really does not understand infertility  
the reality is that I have been dreading it ... but now that her Mum is back on board I feel as though I can step away without hurting anyone .... In some ways I feel a bit jealous (is that odd??) but I am now happy not to have the pressure of it upon me.
I spoke to my GP about this the other day and she gave me strict warnings to STAY AWAY from the delivery room, she was not at all happy about me being anywhere near the SD during birth...in fact she was not too happy with me in general and has made me start counselling again .... I feel OK and I feel as though I am coping but the trouble with me is that I am very very good at keeping everything bottled up and when the lid blows off it does so in drastic fashion ... So my GP is trying to avoid another full blown depression bout, so I am going to take her advice and NOT accompany the SD during her birth (unless I really have to if no one else is around)
Lots of love to you all ladies
Di xxx

PS My PCT are now offering the promised one free cycle of IVF, I am not sure if we would qualify for it anyway because of having the SD but I must admit I am tempted   trouble is I really don't know if I am emotionally capable of going down that road again??


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Dydie
So glad that you have posted and its so good to hear from you. I understood that you would be posting when you were ready too. I think that you have had more than alot to cope with, infact all through your IF journey and it must be so difficult. 
Firstly i want to say thank goodness that there are caring doctors out there, who recognise that you 
are experiencing a very tough time at the moment. Maybe Dydie it is time to think about you and maybe taking up the counselling sessions again. Hey what have you got to lose....nothing, you will probably gain more from it. The reason being is that you are aware of keeping things bottled up and what it will do to you in the end...Please reconsider it, it may do you the world of good. The other reason why i think maybe it would be helpful is because of the promised IVF cycle. This may help you come up with your own reasons for wanting to/or not wanting to do a further treatment. But you will beable to make clear decisions when you are less stressed and emotional....i hope that makes sense..
Dydie i admire your selflessness in getting your SD to talk to her mother...i think that takes alot of guts and shows what a lovely person you are. Although her intentions mean well (your SD) she is still very young to understand the implications of IF. I also want to say there is nothing wrong is saying that you felt jeolousy, i think its more about feeling envious of that situation.,...but i think its normal and i am sure we can all relate to that over the years...
Have you thought about talking to your SD mother, to ensure she will be there at the birth. So that it doesnt leave you in an uncomprimising situation at the last minute. This may take a weight off your mind, that your SD has someone there for her...
And to finish of i think its time that you 'think of yourself and take time for you' you need it also...
lots of love astridxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

good to see you back dydie! I'm glad you have got your sd and mum talking again. We never refused our sd a visit to her mum(except when we found out she was allowing her to drink last year-age 14! But we just stopped the overnight visit not the whole visit). We knew it would come back to haunt us if we did stop her.

I understand tho the feeling jealous bit - as sometimes i do even tho i KNOW i am a better stepmum than she is natural mother!!  sorry to blow my own trumpet!! We got sd an ipod, new shoes(and other bits and bobs) and took her out for meal etc for her 15th bday last week. She got her a £12.99 memory card for her camera !!! (which incidentally we bought too) and smellies!! I think sd thought she was brilliant. What sd doesnt remember is the years she forgot her bday or got her nothing!!! Then buggered off abroad for 2 years!!   Makes me mad!

With regards your free ivf- i dont want to upset you(and of course i live in a completely different health care area to you) but we were told in 2002 when we first broached treatment that we were not  entitled to a free go on the nhs because my dh had a child. I know a lot of rules have changed since then so maybe you will be offered it.

Maybe the counselling is a good idea- we all know how easy it is to fall into a depression! Look after yourself and stay away from the delivery room if you possibly can!!! xxxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

thanks ladies  

Astrid - I will be attending the counselling (primarily because my GP would not take no for an answer   I swear she thinks i'm crazy    )

Irisheyes - I agree about the free IVF, I have been very well aware of the issues regarding their acceptance policies  
I am not sure yet if we will even travel down that road again, but it strikes me that it would probably be sods law that I would fall pg with a free go after the huge amounts we have spent over the years   so I must admit that i'm tempted .... I think we may be able to avoid the "no children" rule because my sd was adopted by her birth mother and her new boyfriend when she was born....dh had never had anything to do with her until 2 yrs ago and legally she is not his daughter .... so we may be able to jump through that loop hole ... but don't panic ... I know that the pct will do their best to find some reason why they should not pay for us so I will not be getting my hopes up.
lots of love to you
Dydie xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Bit confused with that scenario.! How is your dh looking after her then? Did he meet her after birth mother and boyfriend split up? Sorry to be nosey but just couldnt get my head round the sentence!!!


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

you can be nosey if you want hun  

dh split up with sd's mum before sd was born as the mum had an affair with the man who later adopted sd .... after she was born dh tried to see her but was told in no uncertain terms that he was not welcome  

anyway being young he did not put up much of a fight and a few months later he recieved adoption documents in the post for him to sign .... as they were never married his name was never put on the birth certificate or anything, so he signed the adoption forms and that was the last he heard of it until 2 years ago when sd got a list of everyone with the same name as dh and sent letters to them all, one of these letters reached us and dh decided he wanted to contact her (despite the fact that I was in bits over it all)

That was the day that my life as I knew it ended, I lost the plot big time and dh and I seem to have done nothing but argue and destroy each other ever since  

Anyway the sd's mum is now a lesbian and married to another woman, the adopted dad is living with a woman who has a tribe of kids and the sd does not get on with her or her kids so when sd and her mum fell out she came to live with us.

 

Dydie xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Dydie
I hope you do not mind me butting in here...
What a story of events, just when you think most peoples lives are normal, you realise that they are not...!!!!
I think you have been so strong through all of this....i wish i could wave a wand so that you and your DH could find what you had before ....i suppose you have thought about relate etc
Do you ever manage to get away for a holiday, just the two of you? it sounds as if you two need some support and to give yourself some TLC (tender loving care). Instead of everyone else wanting a piece of you both, maybe its time to think about you two...
I hope i don't sound as if i am preaching...
love astridxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Thanks Astrid 
No it did not sound like you were preaching  
We do usually manage to get away once a year on our own, we went to Florida the year before last which was brilliant (but that was just before we heard from sd!) last year we took our caravan up to Scotland for two weeks, but dh did nothing but moan about the dogs and the mossies for two weeks....we had some lovely walks and it was relaxing but we have now sold the caravan because I could not stand going away with him in it again because he did nothing but moan     

We have been to relate a couple of times but dh started making excuses and missing appointments and then said it was a waste of money so we have not bothered to persue it.

Anyway if you ever get hold of that magic wand let me know   
(you would certainly be kept busy on this site)
Love Dydie xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hey Dydie
Is it something to do with men and 'moaning'.....they get on your flipping nerves at times...
I don't know about you, but i just end up losing the plot....i am surprised you did not throw a saucepan at him in the caravan...ummm i have been down that road..!!!!
Its difficult for men to accept their is a problem sometimes and they like to hide most of the time...it doesn't help though!!
Yep you are right about the 'wand' stupid comment really   ..
I woud have used it years ago and saved us alot of money...ha ha..  
Take care
love astridxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Just posting here as I'm feeling a bit down today .... I have now not heard from SD since her Birthday 2 weeks ago.  as you know I got her and her Mum talking again after a long term rift between them and we took her over her Mum's for her Birthday 2 weeks ago and she ended up staying there the night .... that was the last time I have seen or heard from her.
I have been through hell since she came into my life and it took a long time for me to let down my protective walls and accept her.  We have been there for her and this is how we get treated ..... I suppose it just goes to show that no one can ever compete against the natural love and feelings you have for your "real" Mum.
I feel so sad that I will never experience the love that a Mother and Daughter share  
Dydie xxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Dydie,

I'm so sorry about that....... I didnt realise you had got your SD talking to her birth mother again.

That is so tough on you huni.  

I know this must hurt like hell, but maybe now would be a good time to re-build the strength of relationship you mentioned you had with your DH before all this other stuff happened?  

Maybe its time you looked after yourself now and this is the perfect opportunity to be good to yourself and your DH?  Maybe spend some quality time together, talk to each other about your feelings and just spoil yourselves?

The other thing is (that I hope will be a positive), does this mean you don't need to face the birth now after all? I know you were absolutely dreading that part and we can all totally appreciate that.

I suppose things happen for a reason, and maybe the reason this has happened (hurtful and painful as it is) is so that you can have your DH back and get back to some kind of "normality" again, without having to deal with all the other stuff.  

...... maybe this just means, now is YOUR time.

Be good to yourself,
Lots of love
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Dydie
I also am sorry that you are feeling so low today....
I agree with Gill, do you think its time that you need to be kind on yourself...and rebuild some of your relationship with your hubby...
I can only look through a window of your life, as i haven't got a SD and i am not probably the best person to give advice. Although i can understand when you say about a 'mothers love'..
I wonder though,that some children/adults will keep going back for more, because they are seeking other things from their parents..They also feel very vulnerable and its a case of getting something they have never had in the past...
I know probably this is not the right thing to say, but i am sure there will probably a big fall sometime in the future. And it will probably be you to pick up the pieces. At the moment you are feeling very hurt, but i am sure that it isn't all what it is portrayed to be...
Maybe its a good thing now to concentrate on you. I know you feel hurt, but its time to think of you instead of everyone else...
Keep in there Dydie, i think you have done a great job getting this far...not all of us could have coped...so you have more strength than you think..
love astridx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Well I am feeling more positive today and I am now thinking about going to exchange my nice "family" car for a sports car of some sort which will not fit a baby and all the luggage that comes with it.....that way I will not be asked to be SD's taxi whenever she is at a loose end  
I don't have a family so why keep my practical car  

Dydie xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hey dydie
Well done about the choice of car...We decided on Mother's day that we are going to buy a sports car...unfortunately we will have to wait until next year. But atleast by saving up, you get something at the end of it  . That is one thing in life that is a guarantee..!!!
Ummmm i am jeolous!!!
love astridx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Good for you Astrid & Dydie!!

Get the sunspecs and strappy tops at the ready!!  ........ and if you fancy a spin to bonnie Scotland, I'll be waiting for you!!

Go Girls!!!


VRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!


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