# warning miserable 'old' infertile grumbles



## Moma Ali (Aug 5, 2015)

anyone else not know what they're doing in life or who they are anymore?

when we started TTC I had friends, a body I was happy enough with, confidence and the feeling like I was doing 'something' with my life - I dont have any of that anymore

Ive somehow lost my hobbies because I dont have time or energy

I left education as I was failing due to constant medical issues and left work after losing our angel (ex-colleges are still asking personal question even after leaving) so now I dont see anyone anymore and besides everyone has moved on with their own lives and are in a completely different place to me 

Im steadily getting 'fat'... I put it like that because im not what most people would call fat and people seem to be offended by me saying that word so no one gets it but ive put on over 3 stone in 3 years going from a size 6 that I had always been to a 12 which wouldnt be horrific in itself if it wasnt for the bloated belly, saggy boobs, acne, excess hair in strange place, streach marks, cellulite and scars I now have

also my health is just messing with me - ive had an emergency appendectomy with ongoing infection, ive been through the breast clinic for 2 years and had a mastectomy since starting TTC not to mention all the fertility tests, I might aswell move into the bloody hospital - I know more about the sonographers assistant that I do my own 'friends'

but whats worse is I just realised im not just waisting my life, im actively wishing it away... 
I wish it was:
this time in 2 weeks and I might get a BFP
this time 9 months and I might have a baby
this time 6 months and I can do IVF
this time 10+ years from now I might be a grandparent

im so sick of waiting that now I wish for the end goal to be here

so now im fat, broken, uneducated, unemployed, friendless and lost in a future that never comes and all I get is inundated on ******** (the one link to 'friends' I still have) with their constant pregnancies, good luck and happy lives to the point where people are very quickly getting blocked (yes your baby that was due the same time as my dead child is cute but can you go bother someone else) and soon ill just be a lonely hermit yelling at everyone for being so happy

*bitter grumble*


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## JemJams (Sep 24, 2014)

Oh honey, it's so easy to get overwhelmed by infertility and for it to define you and somehow become all that you are. It's normal and understandable for you to feel the way you do. I'm not saying I always follow my own advice and I also get overwhelmed by it all but I find planning positive things and setting myself little targets helps. You need to go easy on yourself too and stop giving yourself a hard time about feeling the way you do. XXXX


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## JemJams (Sep 24, 2014)

Oh honey, it's so easy to get overwhelmed by infertility and for it to define you and somehow become all that you are. It's normal and understandable for you to feel the way you do. I'm not saying I always follow my own advice and I also get overwhelmed by it all but I find planning positive things and setting myself little targets helps. You need to go easy on yourself too and stop giving yourself a hard time about feeling the way you do. XXXX


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Didn't want to read and run Hun....

You've had a ****ty time of it, I'm so sorry for your loss, and everything else on top of that with the mastectomy. You've done pretty well to have waited so long to make that post and get it off your chest. I'm not going to give you any advice as I know all too well what it's like to be feeling the way you do right now and ive been in the depths of it and people tell you you should appreciate what you do have and look on the positive side more it just annoyed me  It's good to get it off your chest and put it out there and just have people acknowledge that you are entitled to feel ****ty and give you a hug, so consider yourself hugged   I hope you've just temporarily had enough and you'll feel better soon, often writing it down is enough to alleviate the crappiness and give you head space to think about something else for a while. I hope you get your mojo back soon.

Xx
Ducky


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

Why don't you post under the secondary infertility thread, as the women who tend to use this board have never been blessed with a child.

As you already have a little one, that board might be better for you.

I really hope you can get some support and start to feel better.

X


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are overwhelmed by several stressful life events. Would it be true to say that this isn't just about fertility? It also sounds like you are still grieving for your lost baby. Maybe you didn't have time to get your head around that before the other stuff happened. Right now, though, you are in a negative spiral. Something has to help you change the way you think about things before you can begin to feel better. Maybe anti-depressants or counselling. You could try to do it yourself but that's hard. I also get the impression that you don't feel listened to - that somehow people are minimising your pain. Size 12 is, by no means, big. However, I'm a size 6/8 and I would definitely need to lose weight if I was 12. It's all very well and good people saying you aren't fat - it's how you feel though. Right now, you feel rubbish about everything. Do you feel like people aren't understanding how your health issues are impacting on your life? Do you still want to talk about your lost baby, but others think you should move on? It sounds a bit silly, but write a list of your problems. Then choose the most important one (or make one a priority) and figure out how you can resolve it (or make peace with it if it's not something you can change) - people switch off when you are drowning in problems (when you actually need their attention the most) so maybe seek professional support and take small steps rather than trying to deal with everything at once (like spinning plates). Don't forget the good things in your life (I know, I know...you don't want to hear that right now) - but focusing on them does help balance out the negative. Don't take anything for granted - no matter how small - and remember that you never know what's round the corner (it's true). This low phase will pass, I promise. Speaking from experience - no, I wasn't Mrs brave and positive at the time    Just don't miss the good bits along the way - you can't get time back. Also, when your state of mind starts to improve, a lot of things fall into place on their own (you may lose weight as your energy levels improve, your skin will clear up as you take more care of yourself and relax, you will meet people or reconnect with others when you feel more self-worth and appear more at ease etc). One step at a time xx


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