# Pain during giving birth



## confused1 (Jun 30, 2014)

Dear all, 
Thank you so much for taking me seriously, putting up with all my questions and giving me all the support I need.

My due date is April, 4. I have been making lots of preparations for Sofia (the name of our girl that is due to be born.) I do get moved when I washed and ironed her clothes, made her bed, etc. We have made all the "practical" preparations for her, and I enjoy it all. It did make it all more real! She has been kicking a lot, and I love that so much! For some reason I find myself being less active on the sites that have to do with donor egg conception. 

I am pleased to notice that I become more and more engaged in questions that have to do with "normal" rutines (like what kind of blanket does Sofia needs when she is born, what kind of clothes she needs, etc.) And this is thank to all your support!!!

We have bought EVERYTHING that we'll need for her once she is born, and I love ironing her clothes, making a bed for her, walking into her room that is ready for her. I do feel emotionally moved often, and I do struggle with being emotionally connected to her from time to time.

Well, I have been struggling to make preparation for giving the birth. The preparation of the giving birth itself. Now I had some brain surgeries that were so painful that all my medical spesialists following me up (there are many of those) who are extremely professional and know me very well, keep telling me that after all the pain I was through, the delivery would be a walk in the park for me. According to them, my threshold of dealing with pain is extremely high. Nevertheless, there is a huge difference between the brain surgeries and the giving the birth: I had made thorough preparations for the surgeries before going ahead with those. Having control is ever so important for me.

As the control over my body is ever so important to me due to my previous life experinces, I am EXTREMELY apprehensive about using any kind of pain relief. I had a terribly painful surgery when I was 15 years old where there was lots of oxygen transferred to my brain via my spine and it was done by the best friend of my stepfather who had been sexually abusing me. My mother and I had been informed that mostly likely there were 3 options: 1. I won't be able to survive the surgery and 2. I'll go mad. 3. And there was 1 percent possibility of me surviving it without getting mad.  (He needed that to protect himself in case sexual abuse would come up. And he did it later on.) So I remember waking up after the surgery with tremendous pain in my brain with all the oxygen in there and trying to find out if I was alive. It was very hard. I saw lots of people walking around me, talking to me. But does it mean that I am alive? What is it like when I am dead? When I felt the pain, it made me somewhat more convinced that I might be alive. So the pain became my friend, reassuring me that I might be alive. My next challenge was to find out if I was mad. I had to do this without giving it away to anybody. So I tried: "2 plus 3 is 5. Or is it? How hall I find out?" So it took me looong time to have found out all that. 

When I had my next brain surgery, I was extremely well prepared to make sure I was able to trust all the medical personell around me. I learned each and every detail aboutbrain's functioning and my medical condition, about the surgery itself. It was very painful too: 2 holes of 5 cm diametre were drilled in my sculp and 3 electrodes on each side of the brain were placed into my brain. I had to have 3 cables on each side of my head hanging out from the open holes in my sculp, leaking constantly, chewing muscles were cut off as well, being not able to eat (just sipping soups with the straws) in 4 weeks. My face became unrecognisible. But I was perfectly fine, as i was in control of everything. And nothing bothered me.

And when I had a VNS implanted (pacemaker for the brain), hindering me from breathing and talking, I recovered extremely fast due to the same reason: I was in control, as I had prepared myself thoroughly...

So as far as I feel pain, I know that I am alive, and as far I am reassured that th pain is what it's like to be and wverything is oK, I am normally OK with it. But giving the birth pain looks and sounds soooo painful.

Because of being sexually abused, I felt that I lost control and I was not in touch with my body. So it took loads of efforts to regain this control, but the feeling of having it, (even though it became more rigid through the years), might turn very fragile. Especially being in a vulnerable physical and emotional positions during giving birth.

But as far as the giving birth is concerned, I have no idea what to prepare myself for. There are so many things that are likely to happen.

Moreover, I AM afraid of physical pain during giving birth. I do question if I am able to deal with it. Maybe it has to do with people talking so much about it. I have been watching TV programs about giving birth, and it looks ever so painful....

So how do you prepare / did you prepared yourself for giving birth? 

What things do you find challenging and how do/did you deal/worked your way through those issues?

Those of you who had given birth: 
What were the "pleasant" and unpleasant" surprises during giving birth, and how did you deal with those? 
How did you experience the pain reliefs, if you chose to use those? And if not, why not? Did you regret it at some point? 
Did you feel that you had to let go of control? If yes, to which extent and how did you experience that? 
What was/were the worst thing(s) of the delivery process for you?
What were the unexpected things during the delivery and how did you cope (or fail to cope) with those? If you failed to cope with those, what kind of consequences did it cause?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

the problem with giving birth is you are pretty much guaranteed that to some extent whatever you plan will go out of the window. The best way to prepare is to work on relaxation techniques and staying calm. Beyond that all you can do is be open minded and patient with the pain and waiting. I had loads of ideas i was determined it would be the way i wanted it and it was utterly different. No part of it went any way i would have wanted. But at least i have my baby. Good luck and it's lovely to hear you getting ready for sofia, so much fun!


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi 

I prepared for birth by going to an NCT relax, stretch and breathe class which is yoga based and also talks about labour and techniques for relaxing and preparing for it.  I also read the hypnobirthing book and listened to a preparing for birth relaxation CD and they all really helped.  I also brainwashed myself a bit by thinking positively and talking about labour being sensations rather than pains and I found the whole experience pretty incredible.  Hard work as I had a long labour and exhausting but not really painful.  If you can get in the right mindset / zone it really is fine  

The best tip I was given was not to fear it, our minds can build things up and if you fear something it will be harder.  A friend who has had 3 children told me the key is to control your mind and it will be fine and for me she was right.

Watching TV programs probably isn't helpful - they will only sensationalise birth.  And people LOVE to tell horror stories and exaggerate so take all those stories with a pinch of salt.  Some people do have difficult births but an awful lot of people don't - we just don't hear much from them.

I hope you too have a good experience and as Goldbunny says once you hold Sofia the rest is irrelevant.

Morag


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## Katie88 (Feb 7, 2013)

Giving birth is AMAZING.. the pain is a nice kind of pain and every one is another step closer to meeting your baby girl. You will be absolutley fine, once she is out all that pain goes away immediatley. Just keep telling yousdlf it isnt going to last forever and that Sofia will be worth every single second. Good luck x


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## mmummy (Dec 20, 2013)

Confused, I second moragob ... I thoroughly recommend reading the hypnobirthing book, and strongly considering the fact that birthing is and has been a natural - non medicalised process for most people for thousands of years.  When we come to a pregnancy via IVF or other problems, it can be easy to forget that the ivf isn't causing the 'birth' to need intervention per se.  While many things can 'increase' the risk; these risks are still very low percentages.

I had my first child at home (intentionally) and things went a little awry as he was bungy-ing on my cervix (which had not fully dilated, despite the midwife telling me it had, and that i was just pushing 'wrong'    ).  I pushed for almost 5 hours.  Had i been in a hospital, i would have had an 'emergency' c-section after only 2 hours.  As it was, i knew my baby was fine (we did regular checks), and i knew that  longer than 2 hours was no problem other than if the baby was distressed.  He came out fine in the end (though he also had his arm over his head, which didn't help in getting him out!), but I was SOO pleased that I was in my own home, and able to do what I wanted, with the support i needed, knowing that i could get into hospital if things went wrong.  I used gas and air until i was fully dilated, when the midwife said i wasn't allowed to use it any longer (don't ask; v. dodgy midwife in retrospect!).  I mainly concentrated on 'breathing' my baby down (see the hypnobirthing book), and using the warm bath for pain relief, as well as tens in the early period.  I would have liked the gas and air throughout the pushing, but when they say that the moment baby is born, the pain is gone, it's true (ok, except for a wee bit).  Having said all that, I was absolutely shattered after the birth and took about a week for my milk to come in properly as i think i had just  exhausted all my reserves.  

DS2 was also born at home, with absolutely lovely midwives, gas and air again, but a much easier birth (no bungy-ing and no arm over the head!).  I felt more prepared, having actually given birth before, and again 'breathed' baby down.  Was brilliant.

If i were to go back and do it all over again, the only thing i would change would be getting a known midwife (not just whoever turned up on nhs) for my first birth.  I thoroughly recommend reading the hypnobirthing book.  whether you actually 'hypnobirth' is a different thing - and you may want to consider it, as it does help keep control, but for me it's all about the knowledge, and the lack of fear.  Fear can make your body sieze up when what you really want to do is relax and allow the process to happen as naturally as possible.  If you have a problem, then so be it, deal with it then, just don't focus on it before it's actually a problem!


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## Dandanxx (Jan 15, 2011)

I had an extremely painful labour which resulted in an emcs first time around. Although it was painful, it wasn't frightening (I suffer terribly with anxiety). I think because you are expecting it to hurt for 9 months, when it does, it doesn't surprise you. You literally don't have time to think about anything else other than concentrating on those contractions. You will be absolutely fine


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

I prepared myself by going to the relevant antenatal classes.  I spoke to lots of friends and family about their birth experiences including their choices of pain relief.  I also watched lots of you tube videos of births, home births and even unassisted births (and thought that if some people could head off into fields to give birth unassisted then I should be able to manage in a medical setting with professionals helping me.

I had to let my midwife know whether I planned to attend the local hospital (more choice of painkillers available and in case of emergency... Theatres) or local birthing unit (most likely to get a birthing pool with this choice).  I decided on the birthing unit because I really wanted to use a birthing pool but ended up having to go straight to the hospital instead (labour started with waters breaking and I had muconium in waters).  I was not allowed to use the one pool at the hospital as I needed to be hooked up to monitors due to the muconium (fortunately,  both mine and my babies heartbeat was fine throughout whole labour and I actually found it really reassuring that this was being monitored.

I said on a number of occasions throughout my labour that I wanted an epidural then I kept changing my mind as I had asked my partner to remind me that I didn't want one as some friends said they thought it could effect ability to push and therefore more likely to result in an assisted forceps/vontuse delivery or even a  c-section.  He kept reminding me so I didn't have one.  Midwife suggested diamorphine injection instead.  I found it to be incredibly strong.  I felt completely drugged for the rest of the labour.  I think it helped.  

One thing that really surprised me is that my body just seemed to do the pushing on it's own,  a very spontaneous response to the final load of contractions.  It's not something I could have stopped if I chose to.  It's a really weird feeling.  In the middle of this the midwife said she 'could do a little cut' to help me.  I declined her offer as I had no idea what she meant by little and I decided I would rather risk a tear.  She didn't sound as if she thought it was urgent or necessary and I was relieved that she was merely offering this at this stage and was perfectly happy when I declined her offer.  As it turned out,  I made the right choice as I only had a tiny superficial/cosmetic natural tear (despite being small and having a large baby).  For me having the couple of stitches afterwards were worse than the birth.  My poor newborn baby in the room heard me making a real noise about it.... Poor little boy.  

Don't worry about the pain.... All you will care about on the day is that everything is going well and everyone around you is happy with the way things are going.  Remember.... We are incredibly lucky to be giving birth in a time and a country where we have numerous methods of painkillers available to us and where we have highly trained professionals with us and lots of medical equipment.  Don't get me wrong... I found it incredibly painful at times (they had to give me a mobile/portable gas and air unit just so I could visit the en-suite loo)  but the odd thing is that that really painful moment at the end turns out to be the most exciting moment in your life.


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Confused1,  I don't know how the physical pain will compare to your previous experiences but emotionally it sounds like birth should be a walk in the park compared to your previous experiences.  Prepare yourself to feel completely overwhelmed in the minutes, days and weeks following the birth...  But overwhelmed for all the right reasons.... A massive and positive change in your life.


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

I think you will do just fine, make sure you read all about the birthing process or go to classes so your aware of what your body is doing and what stage your at, if you find yourself becoming out of control you just need to centre yourself, regroup and refocus, this is where are good birth partner is of great help. I've had all natural drug free births apart from my recent twin pregnancy and I like to feel in control and to be able to focus on the labour, it's definitely doable, even when things don't go quite to plan, and your still able to make informed decisions  and as a pp has said every contraction is bringing you a step closer to welcoming your daughter into the world so greet them as positively as you can


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

confused sounds like youve had a really tough time. for my births i listened to my mum. the first birth is always apprehension producing as you dont know what to expect. my mum said "what goes up must come down and relax into the pain rather than fighting it. get yourself a phrase for the contractions and keep repeating it until it subsides. it will keep coming back and will get stronger as you get closer to delivery but it is 1 step closer to meeting your beautiful babu. when you have baby in your arms, you will forget everything you have been through." she said "i would rather go through childbirth any day rather than get toothache. toothache is a pointless pain, childbirth is the most wonderful pain you can go through, and you get a beautiful baby at the end of it" 
she was right. i have trouble relaxing into anyrhing, i go to sleep with my fists clenched, my teeth clenched and my body rigid but i learnt my phrase "go with the flow" and i practised brearhing with my mum. it hwlped. childbirth is the most wonderful beautiful pain you can go through, it better than all the chocolate in the world, better than sex, better than anything. 
it is difficult planning your feelings and staying in control, and sometimes you have to let go of control and just go with the flow. 
also, last birth i used a tens machine- i have to say that was brilliant personally. just another thought for you.
good luck honey- it will be worth it, i promise you 
jade xxxx


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