# Am I ready to move on yet?



## Guest (May 12, 2012)

Hi,

I just need to get things off my chest. I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago after 3 cycles of ivf.  My joy has since been trampled on as I have started badly cramping and bleeding ( have had 2 mc's already through natural pregnancy) and so once I am expecting the worst. My dhand I have been ttc for 6 years and in the last 10 months of that time we have had 2 mcs, 2 failed ivf and now it is looking to be another mc.  I also recently found out that my AMH is 0.07 so my time is running out as well.  I don't know if I can mentally take any more bad news!! I want and need answers as to why I keep miscarrying but I don't want any more heartache. So do I get the tests done, move on and if I get pg then hope I keep it or do I get the tests done and pay for yet more ivf (when I only ever manage 1 egg anyway ) or do I just forget it all and just try to accept a life without children?  It is so hard ....... But all I know is I can't carry on the way I am - it is too hard and I have had enough. 

I just don't know what to do anymore? I have cried so much and I don't think I have many tears left.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

big hug, mrsj
   hope it turns out ok   
it sounds like you have tough decisions to make
x


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## prommer (Jul 22, 2011)

Dear Mrsjrum,

I haven't been on FF for sometime but wanted, in some tiny minuscule way, to offer love and support.  

I finally came to the conclusion last year - as I approached my 43yr bday - that I was never going to be a mummy. We have had various treatments etc over the last 8 years of trying - and I still feel jealous and grief when I see a pregnant lady or a new born.  I don't know if I will EVER get over not being able to have a family.  I know I would have made a great Mum and DH a fantastic Dad - it's all so terribly sad.  Moving on is an every day battle for me.

Sorry, I have been selfish spilling out my emotions.  I really do feel so desperately sad for you - to have felt the elation of pregnancy to then suffer the sadness of losing your hope of motherhood.  I so hope you are one of the `miracle' ladies who believe they will never be Mums - to then be blessed with the best news in the world.

If you are strong enough to carry on - physically and emotionally - you have all my love, thoughts and prayers.  
Prommer xxx


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## Guest (May 13, 2012)

Thanks to both of you Promer and Goldbunny for replying.....

I have come to the decision that I need to at least move on from having treatment as it is killing me slowly as a person.  I have gone from being an out-going happy person to almost a total recluse who prefers to stay in the shadows and I don't wanna be like that any more.  How I will ever manage to find my way back is another matter as I find being around ppl with children and bumps more or less impossible and I can't see that changing soon so I can totally relate to what you are saying Prommer.  It is so unfair that we are faced with these decisions.........I  don't think I will ever completely get over not being a natural Mother, but I am hoping I may learn to live with this constant grief.  All I know is that I need to find out why I now am a recurrent miscarrier along with all my other fertility problems.  I don't think I can move on completely until I have had all the tests done.  Then at least if I am blessed with another natural pregnancy there may be some way to stop my body rejecting the pregnancy.

I am still 'pregnant' at the moment, but I can feel it slowly working its way out of me like all of the others.  I just want it to be over so I can at least start to grieve properly and finally begin planning my life with DH as a couple without children.  I hope we can find happiness..........there must be some people out there who have come to these decisions and survived and even managed to be happy?

Anyway Goldbunny I wish you all the best with your result next week - I hope you get the positive you so desperately deserve.  I also hope Prommer that in time things become a little easier for you too.  I send you lots of hugs too as I know you need them like I do right now.     

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## finonina (Jun 23, 2010)

This journey is so hard - I know how you're feeling Mrsjrum as I tried for more than 10 years with IVF and had miscarriages. I do think it's worth finding out the reasons for the miscarriages even if you don't go ahead with more IVF. In our case my husband had a balanced chromosome translocation and later I found out I had clotting problems (Factor V Leiden mutation) but now I'm in my forties and I'm not sure I want to have kids now, my career is going well and I'm a bit set in my ways, I like being able to lie in and read the papers, not having to go to the park in the teeming rain at 7 in the morning because that's when the little one is up and you have to go out or they'll tear the house apart (I've babysat my nephews for entire weekends so know of which I speak!) and freedom to do things at the last minute without having to worry about anyone else other than my DH and the cats (3 ... I know!).

But I wanted to let you know that if you don't have more IVF, and you don't have kids, it does get better as time passes. I felt jealousy and rage when I saw pregnant women or women with new babies (but only if they were strangers weirdly, I've only ever felt happiness for my friends and relatives). I also recently went on a workshop to work through my feelings about this (run by Gill Tunstall, google her name and the workshop comes up) and it truly helped so much and I feel ready to embrace a childless life (I won't call it childfree as I think that term should be applied to people who choose not to have children not those who haven't been able to have them but really wanted to). So maybe you can find a similar workshop or go on this one when you're ready.

F xx


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## prommer (Jul 22, 2011)

Mrsjrum,

I want you to know that you are such a brave, loving and wonderful person and I am so sorry at the unfairness of life to make you endure such pain and tragedy.  I think you are right - and Finonina - to find out what has caused your m/c's.  As you said, if there is any way of stopping you feeling such despair and agony again, YOU DESERVE IT. You deserve good things to happen   We didn't have great support at the beginning of our journey and I so wish that I could have been more educated in what to ask and where to look. We've never known what caused us to not even reach transfer stage - apart from latterly my poor AMH levels.  I have always felt such a failure as a wife and woman.

I am grateful that after going through such emotional times DH and I are still married - as it's such a bloody rollercoaster - and after heart breaking news to carry on with your lives and appreciate each other is an amazing achievement - well it was for me!!! I have no doubt I was a walking nightmare for years as far as babies, prams, pregnancy, watching TV commercials were concerned - an absolute nightmare I promise!!  And as much as it still hurts like hell, during Christmas, Easter, Mothers day, Fathers day etc I know that you have to continue finding happiness, continue loving and continue living!  But I have felt soooo bitter it has been a hard lesson to learn.

I want to end on a positive note - that sending you the message a few days ago, after so long abandoning logging onto FF - I just couldn't bear to see all the `happy endings', reminded me of the compassion and sympathy I can give to others.  If I have helped you at all, then that has helped me more than words can say.

Finonina,
I seem to now be feeling just a little of the independence that you have found. My best friend moved abroad recently, and I know that I can visit her whenever I want, without worrying about any other responsibilities - well, nearly!! I make sure the fridge is stacked with easy to cook dinners for DH and the odd bottle of wine or 2!! Also, I think I am going to adopt 2 rescue kittens/cats this year as I have soooo many cuddles to share I think DH gets fed up with them from me!!  Thank heavens for your job and that you enjoy what you do - in the current climate that is a blessing for sure.

Huge enormous cuddles to you both,
Prommer  xx    xx


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## susiemarmite (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello ladies - I think it's time to stop but it's so hard to let go.  I have been doing IVF for 2.5 years now - with my own eggs and then 9 transfers with donor eggs in valencia.  we still have 8 embryos left and I am due to go again in about three weeks time - but I am exhausted - I have a recurring shoulder problem brought on by stress and frankly I am exhausted - I am also 44 years old now and am realising that my health is not good, my energy levels are low and with all the treatment (continuous pretty much over 2.5 years) I have exhausted myself.  (still working etc.) I am very lucky to have a 5 year old daughter (through IVF when I was 3 and was so desperate to get her a sibling ...

but she would be 6, I would be 45 and with a husband who travels a lot -I don't think I could cope.  What do you think now? - give it a last shot or walk away now and get counselling to help me through the grief?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

one last shot! i think if you were really ready, you wouldn't need to ask the question. ergo, you need that one last go to get to the end.          hope it is lucky for you x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

sounds to me susie as though you know it's time to stop. Like you say you're feeling exhausted and worried about coping in the future. I'd say enjoy your six year old, she'll be fine as an only child plenty are honestly. I say this because I experienced similar, my mum struggled for years to have me (not IVF but still) and she had miscarriages after me as she was determined to have a brother or sister for me. Fact was it was hell. I remember well the upset she went through and there were times when her moodiness etc pushed me away. It was best when she stopped and we were a perfectly happy little family of three. I think there is a lot of pressure for people to have at least two but the fact is families come in all shapes and sizes and three is a pretty good size in my book. By all means if you feel you want one last try then do it by all means. But to me the fact that you're asking and have doubts makes me think perhaps really you know it's time to say no more and that is fine too. Whatever you decide, good luck.


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