# BFN 2nd one this year



## EStreet (May 27, 2006)

I have read some of the other entries here and they seem very helpful. We had our 2nd BFN this year on 12th October and I am finding this one sooo hard to deal with. I seem to be acting like nothing has happened and to others it may look like I am coping well. Inside though I hurt and can't understand why it hasn't worked, with tears most days when I am on my own. 

Had 2 embies and they were great when transferred, so what goes wrong in between? Feel like it's my fault.

Can't find anyone to talk to, although my dh tries to understand, he hates to see me this way and it puts him off us trying again. Friends and family have been round to see us, it seems like they are coming round to see the 'freak' and have a good look to see if I have become a mental case. I end up pretending all is fine and saying things to make them feel better, like 'it doesn't matter' and ' these things happen'! None of them can understand as they have children and are not in the same position.

DH's brother and wife have just had a baby girl on 19th September, who they have asked me to be godparent to - cos they think it will be good for me. Finding this all too much. 

Sorry for ranting but don't know where to go from here. Am I going mad?

EStreet


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi EStreet

No you're not going mad. I'm sure many of us can relate to your feelings ( not rantings!) It is hard to talk to people about it. I find its such a personal thing and my words can never really sum up the pain and hurt inside. You will find your way to deal with this.

Don't worry about what others are thinking and if you've had enough of the visits put a stop to them. I have become much more asssertive about what i want and time to myself since finding myself on this bandwagon. maybe you need some time to yourself......and cry......cry...cry......why not? its natural and normal, don't forget most people are lucky enough not to have to go through what you have been through.

Just take care of yourself hun and find a way for you and DH to get through this together ( sod the rest of them, you two are the important ones1)

HHH


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Had my 3rd icsi BFN today - our 3rd in a year.  Reading your post has really made me howl!  It really is just so unfair, isn't it?

I don't think anyone really understands - even my VBF who had 6 lots of ivf & ended up with  a DD & DS (I am godmother to DD), when I sent her a text said "Can't I have one for you?"!

I know she was trying to cheer me up but it just made me feel so 2nd rate.

I've got to go back to work tomorrow & teach my class of 30 5year olds & I just look at them & think that I'll never see my child's first day at school, or go to parents evening or teach him/her to read/swim/ride a bike, etc.

I know how you feel & it is just so horrible.  It was our last go because I'm 40 in Jan & a poor responder (can't even get that right!) & we've spent nearly £18k on treatment, which has meant changing all our mortgage round.

I don't think you're going mad! It doesn't help that you've still got shed loads of drugs in your system plus AF hormones - it's like a real double whammy.

I'm sure I'll be ok eventually, I don't really see that there's any other choice.

Will you have another go?  We always said we'd have 3 goes & then stop but I can't accept it at the moment - I don't want another go with my eggs as the EC has been progressively more painful with each attempt, I want to go to Spain for donor eggs but DH doesn't want to.

We only ever managed 1 frosty, but it's only a grade 2, 3 cell so I don't hold out much hope of it defrosting.


I really hope you feel a bit calmer soon - acupuncture helped me relax a bit - doesn't solve anything but I felt less like killing someone!

I've had to be brutally honest with my friends & work colleagues - I've got an excellent friend/colleague who used to work for the Samaritans (she's not what you'd expect!!! V glamorous & great fun!) so I text her & she lets everyone at work know so they don't keep asking me.

Another good friend with 2 young kids who just moans about her Dh & her hard life with 2 young boys I avoid - I've expalained to her in an email that I find it v hard at the moment - she's been brilliant & understands.

My VBF, with the ivf kids, I meet every 2 weeks - just us 2, & go for a meal or drink - I only see her kids every so often - she's accepted I'm just a crap godmother (but i do buy nice presents!!!). 

I think you have to be a bit selfish & if others don't like it tough!  You do find out who your real friends are!

I've also accepted that my DH just doesn't get tearful!  He's still fed up & still needs lots of tlc & he still says stupid things!  I've just accepted it & we get on brilliantly - he just doesn't want me to go through anymore painful procedures.

Sorry if this has turned into a "me" post - just wanted to show you that everyone gets this low & it does take a long while to get over it.  I always feel sort of "empty" for about 3 months afterwards - think it's hormonal cos my AF is always out of sync for 3 months after the icsi.  

I find it really hard to concentrate/take an interest at work & I become v lethargic, which in turn makes me feel crap!

I think I'll have to try a lot harder this time.

I really hope you manage to get your BFP somehow.
Lots of love,
Jess xxx


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## Pancha (Sep 28, 2006)

Hi EStreet & HHH

I exactly know how both of you feel.  I am 34 and my DH 44.  We are clased as unexplained.  I had my first IVF in Oct 2005 and the Frosties transfer in April 2006 and the 2nd IVF in October.  I was soppose to test today but got brown discharge on 16th.  I am devastated.  I actually hate my self for not been able to keep my embrios.

I feel life has no maening and so lonly and misarable.  I am all alone at home and no family in this country.  I have not told any one about IVF.  So i have to deal with all my sorow by my self.  My DH has got over it and i dont want to be a pain to him.  I started talking about trying natural once again and realise this topic is too much for him.

I am trying to find answers and wonder why i cant be like the other owmen who get pregnent without any difficulty.

Pancha


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## Rah (Jun 9, 2006)

Hi Estreet,

I too had my second BFN on 12th October and thought I was handling it well, until now. Feel really low and beginning to think it will never happen. Do you find it hard waiting for your next appt....when is your next appt to review treatment? Mine is Dec but that feels so far away. I'm not good at waiting. Feel like I should be doing something. You do feel pretty useless when all you've got to do is keep them safe and you can't. Did you work during 22w?

Sorry lots of questions...very interested in your story



Sarah


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

BArge to PAncha

PLease test hun, the discharge you had may be implantation bleeding. Its not over until you have a snow white P stick or a 0 HCG. 

Chris


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## mads1972 (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi EStreet, Jess and Pancha

Know what you guys are going through, been there, still there actually. None of my friends and family suffer from infertility and therefore it has been a very lonely struggle for me. DH has been blessed with a wonderfull disposition and therefore does not suffer as I do. 
Even so , all things come to pass and call me silly but I do believe in miracles!

Love 
Mads


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## me!!! (Jul 3, 2005)

hi all sorry for butting in but just wanted to give you my thoughts and best wishes life is sometimes very hard the corners seem to get bigger ad bigger but theres one thing i now for sure and that is we will all get round the corner in the end please believe me when i say i now how you feel iv just finished my 9th attempt and just to top it i had 12 grade 1 frosties but they all died so all my dreams and hopes just flew out the window but I'm just looking for my next corner and am hoping this is an easer corner we must try and keep positive no mater how hard things get try to remember the saying smile and the world smiles with you we are all lucky in the fact we have such good hubby's yes i now they can get on our nerves at times but we wouldn't be without them just look around you and see how many people are unhappy with there lives even though they have it all (kids and hubby) when your feeling low go up to your hubby and give him a hug or if hes at work send him a loving message this will lift your mood sorry for rating


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## Lindyloo (Sep 20, 2006)

Hi there, your postings really spoke to me, having had my first   on 4 October.  I've got some frozen embies, but it is sooooo frustrating waiting for your body to go back to normal before you can even go again with frozen ones.  

EStreet - my sister had a baby boy on 10 September so I know what you're going through.  I saw him last night, and just kept thinking why not me?  I veer wildly from being really negative to being super-duper positive, believing like Mads that miracles can help - as I think proved by some of the stories on this site.

Anyway, something that has helped me is the thread on "Inbetween treatments" - I joined the October BFNs thread started by Rivka.  It's just helped knowing that others are going through, on average, a 2 month wait before they can start treatment again.

Maybe I'll see some of you there!
Lindyloo


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Thinking of u lots and can only say that the days will soon become that bit easier, i had my 1st bfn in july and was devastated it hurts bad but dont blame yourself its a very hard journey for them little embies and if they could have made it im sure they would off.  Dont lose hope hunny it will happen xxxxxxxxx Im about to start in a week and im very scared of another bfn hopefully this time it will happen xxxxxxxx

Shye xxxxxx thinkin of ya xxxxxxxx


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## egg (Dec 28, 2005)

I have recently had my 2nd bfn this year and the 4th in total, I am finding it so hard to feel 'normal' again after this one, after the last 3 I am sure I felt better by now.  Only a ferw of our friends and family know what we have gone through and they don't really understand and I know I have become quite dependent upon this site to gain support and feel that other people really do know what it feels like.  I feel like this 4th attempt has really wiped me out emotionally and I don't know when I'm going to feel happy again, I don't feel like planning another go (previously my coping strategy for bfns) as I am now at the stage where I no longer believe it will work, ever.  I am also scared that to do it again would be too much for me to deal with and I would end up seriously depressed.  I get alot of support from my dh but even he doesn't know how to deal with me as I still cry every day and I worry that i'm making him more miserable too.  I know I should appreciate the good things in our life but just can't.  I dread family gatherings as they focus on family and children and make me feel like a failure. I feel so angry that we've had to spend £22k on something that is free for most people we know and I stress over what we could have bought with that my money but my dh just says we don't want a car/holiday/etc, we just want a baby of our own.  
egg
x


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## judy620 (Dec 8, 2004)

i have too my 2 nd IVF bfn. all my tests are normal except pcod. i have good embryos etc but they just dont implant. since i am doing it privately, i have spent so much money,i dont know whether to go for the 3rd ivf or not or to live childfree. My husband says that we can go for adoption. but i just cant come to do it. maybe i am selfish. i dont know.i just dont know anything nowadays.its so frustrating for not being sure of anything.
 to all of us who got bfn


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi

I too am another one who can fully empathise with what you're going through.

We've been ttc for almost 3 & half years now and after 2 early mc's last year (naturally conceived) and countless blood tests I was diagnosed with several immune and blood clotting disorders.  We started our first ivf March/April this year...we managed to get 6 grade 1, 4 cell embies so things were looking good.  Sadly it ended in BFN in May despite being on clexane and baby aspirin for the blood/immune problems.   

We still had 4 frozen embies so started FET in July...2 snowbabies thawed, both survived 100% and remained grade 1 with all cells intact...this time I was clexane, baby aspirin and prednisolone...I tested negative on test day, then few hours later positive...then all negative again so a very short lived chemical pregnancy (only one hpt) so ultimately another BFN 

In October we started our last FET with remaining embies...this time only 1 survived but still 100% grade 1, 4 cell and we prayed this was our little fighter.  I was on all the same medications...plus some additional meds during 2ww...sadly it wasn't to be and we were left heartbroken...

...our 3rd BFN through treatment in 8 months  

We've now got to decide if we pay for more private treatment or wait until we reach top of NHS waiting list sometime in spring/summer next year.  We've so much to discuss with our consultant...we know I have problems with implantation due to bicornuate uterus and the blood clotting/immune problems but we don't know where to go from here...maybe see if next ivf we take to blastocysts, maybe have PGS, maybe another lap/dye and hysteroscopy to check for possible return of endo and the state of my womb...so many maybes....just don't know and its heartbreaking that all our "perfect" embies didn't stick  All around us our friends are having babies...I think its about 7 in the past year...most on their 2nd and many of us started ttc for 1st around the same time..the only couples without children aren't even ttc !  DP and me have taken this last negative treatment much harder than the others (although all have obviously been gutting)...I think its cos it was our last little snowbaby, I was on all the "right" meds to help me and it still didnt work...and now its back to square one and a full ivf treatment again.  We also had a very anxious time with false positives at the end of 2ww which left me very stressed, weepy and rundown...and my GP actually signed me off work for these last 2 weeks due to stress  

The only thing that keeps us going is staying positive, believing it will happen one day... and knowing it makes us so strong as a couple  

Good luck & take care
Natasha


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## Trix100 (Jan 12, 2006)

Hi Everyone,

I too fully understand what you are all saying.  I have had 3 IUI (BFN's) and 3 IVF's (BFN's) this year so far and we aren't even in December yet.  I am drained and exhausted and actually losing hope.  I know it sounds dramatic but there are times when I don't know who I am anymore, I feel consumed by infertility and treatments.  This year 3 of my close friends have fallen pregnant and 2 had babies.  I am just awaiting my BF to announce her pregnancy anyday.  I feel sad and bitter - why them and not us?  It is so unfair.  

We are are at a bit of a cross roads now, my last IVF was a disaster, 8 eggs but only 2 4xcell embies on day three.  I even questioned if there was any point in putting them back.  We have tried everything, higher doses of stimms, heparin, steroids, acupuncture, reflexology, Zita West vits - you name it we have done it.  I don't know whether to throw in the towel or keep fighting.

It is so, so hard and I totally understand how every single one of you are feeling.  I also hate feeling so pessimistic as I am not normally that type of a person but it is hard when you have so many dissapointments.  This time last year I was convinced I would have a baby or be pregnant by this Christmas and here we are a year down the line no closer.

Hopefully in the next year all our dreams will come true.

Take Care
Trix


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

girls
I've just read all your posts and feel so proud of you all, you are all brave and couragous.
I've just done my 2nd icsi, i know its failed and i feel completely despondent. we have all been through so much and its something the majority of pepole wil never experience or understand. at the moment I spend every waking moment obsessing about my fertility it has taken over and has drained me of joy, all the things I should be grateful for in my life I am not even noticing. If I could ask one thing, other then to be pregnant of course it would be to know where this will all end if I knew it would be a success I wouldn't care about the costs or the physical side of things. I hope we all find our peace - whatever it is.
try and stay strong (I'm a fine one to talk!!)
Sugary
xxxx.


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## shaz72 (Oct 4, 2006)

Hi girls  

just reading through the posts I understand completely where you are coming from.We are on our 4th attempt (this year) 1st Feb 06 IVF BFN,April 9th FET BFN.New donor Sept 06 2 embies MC at 4 weeks 3 days .Nov 20th FET 2 frosties BFN. Have 6 frosties waiting but don't know how much the body and relationship can take   I feel the same as sugary IVF has taken over my life,I wake in the morning thinking about it and I go to bed at night dreaming about it.When do you step back and say right enough! time to focus on us. The same questions run through my head every day what could I have done different should I accept that I will never be a mum   should my DH find someone else that can give him what I cant. All around me people fall PG and I just accept that and go on with my life. But for how much longer can I do that.Emotionly I can not do this for much longer.I suffer every day with the complications of IVF but I dont know any different at the moment.

We welcome the  New Year and hope it brings a better outcome for us and everyone else involved with infertilty  

shaz xx


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## shaz72 (Oct 4, 2006)

Sorry ladies it was such a me post having a bad day  

Shaz thinking of you all xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Shaz sending you a big    unfortunately only you can decide when enough is enough hun. We took a year out from tx and in that time we decided that we couldn't face more tx so persued the adoption route, which as you can see by my sig worked out fantasticly for us, but everybody is different. it sounds like you have had a very rough year, so you really need to take time with your dh and talk through what is the best next step for you both. 

good luck hun

pam xx


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## iolite (Feb 18, 2006)

hi girls 
i just got another bfn this morning from natural FET we had 4 embryo's left and they were all used up in this cycle. I am so upset that i didnt have two thawed at a time to give me one more time as DP has refused to take part in any 
more treatment and our relationship has fallen apart. (he is ill and needed to go on stong medication anyway so cant hold off any longer) 
I am in despair, three negatives since March this year and no hope of ever having a child without ivf i am depressed, overweight and cant bear the thought of christmas and family 'pity' with all of their children etc.. I feel like the lone 'barren' hopeless one who couldnt even get having a family right, let alone succesful relationships and a succesful happy career. I feel rubbish and useless. iolitex


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

iolitex i'm so sorry hun    please try not to blame yourself you are not rubbish and useless, dealing with IF is so difficult and puts a massive strain on relationships and geting 3 negative results in one year is so much to cope with. have you considered counselling as it might be quite helpfull just having someone to listen without passing judgement or giving you that awful (even if well meant) sympathising look

also do you have access to the relationships board ? the girls are all so supportive and there is some great advice on there 
sorry i can't help more hun if i could take your pain away i would  

pam xx


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## iolite (Feb 18, 2006)

hi pam/saphy75
thankyou for your reply, i am going to book some time with a counsellor in the new year and probabally some anti d's to tide me over. 
iolitexx


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## nnw (Dec 27, 2006)

Hi everyone,
  I am new. I did my first IVF this year, with a BFN. I am 28, had 2 lovely 8 celled embies, and nothing. The clinic is unsure of what happened. They had high hopes. They want  to try blastocysts but I am too afraid. I was on the clexane, IVIg and everything needed for my high antibodies. I am just too disappointed.....  So many people at my workplace are either having or had babies, I am just waiting.........


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## jannie (Dec 21, 2006)

Sorry to hear about your bfn.  I think though it would be worth another go as you never know when your luck might change.  I do know how you feel though as like you i have also just had my first bfn.  We are waiting for a follow up to see what went wrong.  I wish you all the best for 2007.


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