# I feel really alone



## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi guys, 

I haven't been on here in a while. I found out 4 weeks ago that I had had a missed miscarriage following my first ICSI cycle. I am devastated and am really struggling to cope. I had a ERPC just over 2 weeks ago and am now feeling so empty. On top of that my sister in law has just had a baby and I just can't see him. They tried for 3 months and I was told that 'it was such a shock' for them, like I supposed to care. They want to have been trying for as long as we have, I just hate them. On top of that my parents have just written me off. They told that next time don't plan anything. I can't believe that they would say that, how do they honestly think that makes me feel about our chances in future. My husband and I went to the children's garden of remembrance to say good bye on Saturday and when I saw my parents that afternoon (they knew that was what we had done)they said that we should come and see my new nephew that evening. They just can't think past what they want. They have no idea how I feel, they don't ask they just assume that they know. They have just written me off and chosen my brother because he has given them what they want. He has always been their favourite and I can't deal with that anymore. I am heartbroken that I have lost my baby and they don't care about it at all. I have spoken to them about it this weekend and as usual I am in the wrong because I am so difficult to talk too. What do they expect after what has happened and  the really hurtful things that they have said. 

I am so sorry to have a rant about this but I thought that you were supposed to be able to rely on your family and quite clearly I can't. I have nobody else to talk too and I have just had enough. Don't feel that you have to reply, I just need to get how I feel out in the open. Thank you for listening. 

Vicki x


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Vicki,

Oh I feel for you   I just had to reply to send you some   as it really sounds like you need some.

I wouldn't be able to visit my new nephew if I was in your shoes either and its insensitive and narrow minded that your parents think you should. 
You have just lost you baby, your heartbroken. You need some time to heal , away from people who aren't supporting you during this terrible time.

I really feel for you vicki. I hope within time it gets easier and you heart heals.


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi Lollipops,

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your kind words. 

Vicki


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Oh Vicki, I really, really feel for you.   

I don't know if it could help with the lines of communication between you and your family, but I have sent the link to this site to mine: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

It has helped them understand a bit more how I am feeling. I know my friends and family love me and that they struggle with knowing what the right thing is to say or do.

I also sent this to my mum so she may have some indication of how it feels for me (this latter one made me cry sooooo much).

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

/links


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi Mandy Pandy, 

Thank you for those links and for the hugs. At the moment they can't see that what they are doing is wrong and they don't see that it is their behaviour that needs to be addressed. I will keep hold of it though as maybe one day it will get to the point where they could think that way. I do know that the mojority of people won't ever understand what I am going through and I know that it is really hard for them to know what to say, but they don't ask how I am feeling and when I tell them they just dismiss it. 

Thank you again for the links, I will keep them in case we ever get back to a point where we can talk.


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## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Hi Fordygirl and 

I can't really add much to what the other lovely girls have said but I would recommend you send those links as mandypandy suggested. At least that way they're less likely to continue to put their collective foot in it everytime they talk to you. Its so important that they understand that this was a real baby you lost whether it was 5wks or 5 months or even 5 years old is irrelevant, a much wanted child has been lost, and shoving someone else's baby in your face is NOT going to help! Especially not now when its so fresh.  

But maybe you could give them a chance to redeem themselves at least by sending them this info. They clearly don't get it and there's no fault on anyone's side for that but maybe it would be helpful for ALL of you if they're given the opportunity to understand how you're feeling right now. And by the way the way you're feeling right now is totally normal, anyone who tells you any diifferent is either lying to you and themselves or just doesn't know wtf they're talking about!

Why not just send them the info? Ok, there's no guarantee that they'll get it, but its unikely they'll figure it out on their own and I think its worth a try at least... 

More gentle  to you hon, take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself or the rellies - they really haven't got a clue most of the time so they will mess up and say the wrong thing. Not because they deliberately want to cause you pain but cos they genuinely don't get it unfortunately   They need to see things like this to help them get their heads round it cos there's no way anyone who hasn't been here can really understand how it feels but stuff like this can help...

Xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Fordy girl said:



> Hi Mandy Pandy,
> 
> Thank you for those links and for the hugs. At the moment they can't see that what they are doing is wrong and they don't see that it is their behaviour that needs to be addressed. I will keep hold of it though as maybe one day it will get to the point where they could think that way. I do know that the mojority of people won't ever understand what I am going through and I know that it is really hard for them to know what to say, but they don't ask how I am feeling and when I tell them they just dismiss it.
> 
> Thank you again for the links, I will keep them in case we ever get back to a point where we can talk.


I imagine you're feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, let down and just really, really sad.  It is so hard when the people you need support from the most just don't understand. I've said to other people that one of the things I find most horrible about this whole thing is that not only do we have do deal with all the emotions of going through it, we also have to manage other people and try to understand what _they're_ feeling, which is pretty peverse.

I don't know if it would help but I've found that when I simply can't talk to anyone else, writing down everything I feel on paper helps me get it out. I also get to call people names and say things to them that I wouldn't dream of saying in real life.  Even if I don't know what I'm going to write, I just put my pen on a piece of paper and see what comes out.



It's been a devastating time for you and I hope in time you will be able to talk it through with them and in the meantime, I hope you're able to find some happiness in your life to help heal the pain.


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## jack12 (May 14, 2009)

I just wanted to say i can totally understand how you feel. I am still struggling so much from losing my beautiful boy, my marriage, health and now finally my last embryo. All i keep getting said to me is 'other people have problems you know', I do have a good family but my mum cant seem to understand that when i say i cant move on or am having a bad day, im not doing it for fun, its that i simply cant function. I hate the life i lead now, its full of days where you have to overcome other peoples attitudes, viewsand put my sadm and opinions on how THEY would do things so different. You are in a living hell and i think the only way we can preserve our sanity is to just not see these people for a while. Ive very recently become auntie again, and as much as i love her,the pain is sooooo deep. My family have said ive got to see her etc and that iv got to be happy and put my sadness aside for their joy. That is simply asking me the impossible. Please know im thinking of you xxxx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Oh jack   what a hard life it has been for you too. I can't comprehend how traumatic it must have been for you to loose your son . Sorry doesn't seem a big enough word, but its all I can say....I'm just so sorry


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Jack, I am so sorry too. Thank you for understanding how I feel. Sending you a


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi Ladies 

Ive had my first cycle dreams shattered this week with a BFN   I havent had as bad an experinece as you guys but do completley sympathise with your situations and the complete lack of understanding from the rest of the world. I truly belive that NO-ONE fully understands this unless you have been through it.

Fordy - I would thouroughly recommend sending the tears and hope link from Mandy. I sent it to a few people during my journey and I think it hit them hard , . its incredibly moving and Ive just watched it again and Im crying my eyyes out as it so completley sums ups how Im sure we all feel right now . Anyone would be hard pushed not to be moved by it and have a lightbulb moment and maybe realise how hard it is for us .. I genuinely think people dont mean to be cruel - just things they dont understand or comprehend - they cant deal with so the ignore it or expect us to pull ourselves togther. Its their problem though, not ours - we have enough to be going through . 

Jack - your story is heartbreaking, Im so sorry . You are incredibly brave to be carrying on alone and I hope and wish you have some support from other friends etc to get you through this . 

Mandy - thanks again for reminding me of the link - I have saved it now as it is so beautiful and sums up everything I could try and say to someone . 

Wishing you all the luck in the world ladies, dont give up hope .   

x


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