# What do you think?



## sticky15 (Mar 28, 2008)

At a friends yesterday and she said 'Trying/having treatment for a second child would be far emotionally challenging than the first as you know how lovely it is '.She has 3 children naturally .
I don't think so, as I still fully remember the knife edge of thinking I would never have one child.I feel so blessed but it has come as a real shock to me having such strong feelings wanting another.Financially too,it is a harder decision to make - fresh cycle takes £5000 ish out of the family.
What do you think? Treatment harder the second time around? Is there anyone like me who is surprised to have such strong feelings for another?


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## harrysGal (Jun 27, 2007)

Definatly harder. Financially and emotionally. I think also having the slight naivity (sp?) the first time round made it easier too... I know you do live on a knife edge thinking would you ever have kids but for me I always believed I would not go through life without a child, now I have Jnr I fear I may now never have more. I am alot more nervous and scared this time round that I may not get the chance to be a mum again, and yes I do realise I am very blessed to have the one I have!!

I have to agree with your friend you do realise how lovely it all is and having the uncertainty of not being able to do itall again is so hard..... Sorry lol xx


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## sticky15 (Mar 28, 2008)

Thankyou - so good to hear other opinions and hope you are successful !! I do feel the pressure of age creeping up on me than before.Also, I didn't realise how much I would like a sibling for my daughter. I would love to do it all again too !!


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## gelatogirl (Aug 5, 2008)

Hi Sticky

We are grappling with exactly this topic. Our DD was conceived naturally before my DH suffered a spinal cord injury which means he can't ejaculate. We always wanted 2 kids. DD is now nearly 5 and since 2008 we have been investigating tx, getting the sperm etc and since Sept 09 have had 2 IUIs. They haven't worked and now we are debating whether to throw everything we have at 1 round of IVF. As we have 1 child we don't get any NHS help. So yes, is it a financial decision vs an emotional one? Probably. On one hand I know we would ultimately be fine with either outcome. In some ways I wish I could just be really happy with DD and leave it there. Our life would be so much easier, esp with DH in a wheelchair, 2 kids is more for me to wrangle! etc etc. But the  pull of a second is strong, we both have siblings and want DD to have that too. I don't know at this point how we will make this decision. I'm 37 in July, we can't waste much more time. I wish someone else could make this decision for me!  Good luck with your own decision making!  

Gelatogirl x


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

I definately agree it is far tougher second time round, I'm so desperate to give my son a sibling, age is against us as are finances and it kills that this will be our last attempt.  I felt less pressure first time round and luckily it worked.  But i definaltey felt more stress during teh FEt which failed, and now going through ICSI again.  I am the woman who wanted a career over children as well!!!


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## MillyBoo (Apr 6, 2008)

Hi Sticky,

I found first go at FET after DD unstressful as was lucky enough to have 7 frosties - got pg but then miscarried at 5 weeks. Since then now have added stress that if I do get pg I may miscarry but have not even managed to get that far  - 2 more FET;s and a failed IVF behind me and now 39 am getting really stressed and also more desperate than ever for another child - combination of now being in with the mummy crowd and seeing most of DD's friends with siblings and lots and lots of babies; despair in my own body - took three goes to produce DD. I really want my daughter to be able to benefit from all the good things about siblings which I have found as you get older. 

Stress added by my family and friends saying is time to give up as drugs potentially harmful in long term and effectively throwing money away as 4 goes and fresh cycle I said would be my last. I have one dear frostie left - I know the chances of it defrosting are 50:50 and my ability to hold on to it even if it did appears to be rubbish. I really want to do another fresh cycle at a different clinic but don't know if I've lost faith in my body and so somehow I won't ever manage it. On plus side I am going to try acupuncture - if nothing else will hopefully help me destress and there will be someone who is paid to be interested in my infertility (no one talks about it).

Sorry a bit rambling but wanted to reply as you were so kind with my last post

Milly xx


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## sticky15 (Mar 28, 2008)

Hello Milly,
  Its funny you mention the 'Mummy crowd'. Three of my friends have said that they are trying for more children this year.It is such a reminder that it will never be easy for us will it? As the year goes on, I do wonder how I will feel when they are pregnant. Also, I think that I am delaying using my frosties because once they are gone I may have to admit I will never be pregnant again.


Have you started the acupuncture yet?
Sticky x


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## MillyBoo (Apr 6, 2008)

Hi Sticky,

Am going for first session of acupuncture on Tuesday - will let you know how it goes. Is quite expensive (£47 for initial session then £42 per session) so will only carry on with it if (a) not painful! and (b) effective in destressing me.

I know what you mean about delaying - I have had about 6 months between since fresh cycle as this may well be the last go and I don't want that finality which is why I am sort of lining up going to another clinic ... need to have a serious look at our finances first though! Do love ASDA though - cost price drugs about half the price clinic charges   

Milly xx


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## ophelia (Sep 27, 2005)

I would have to say it´s harder and more stressful trying for your first baby then for a sibling. 
I had 9 attempts to conceive my son and never thought I would become a mum. I would love a sibling or two for him and I agree it is very stressful trying for a second baby but if it didn´t work out you will still have your first baby and you are a mum.

So the pressure of trying for a first baby I found a lot harder. I am very broody for more children, even more so now I now how wonderful it is to be a mum.


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## sticky15 (Mar 28, 2008)

Hi,
You have summed up how I feel really but I just didn't realised the different pressures there would be for number two - finality,financial ect. Added pressures.
Thankyou for replying  - it is so lovely being a Mum isn't it? The thought of not having her is awful!!
Thanks Sticky x


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## g.s (Sep 27, 2005)

This is a tricky one! I agree with lots that's been said, however after having DS and how amazing it is to have him in our lives we feel truely blessed. 
My friend (she's Buddhist) said, you never thought you'd have one child so having one is more than enough - and I agree with her, we are truely thankful for our gorgeous miracle boy! 
Yes, in a perfect world we would love to have brothers and sisters for him to play with but we aren't in the fortunate place to do that. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant and to enjoy another new baby. But at the end of the day, I 'm just very grateful for my new and improved life since DS was born!
I still find it really difficult when I hear friends and family announce their pregnancies, but now I'm beginning to feel more at peace with our situation. 
It's so hard.

ps - as for the financial spending on tx - we thought if we gave DS the choice between a few lovely holidays or a brother/sister we thought he's opt for the latter. You can't really put a price on your decisions. We also wanted to feel that after the tx we had done our very best to complete our family.



We feel like we've given the 4 cycles of ICSI our best shot and after I test next week will be ready to move on with our lives!


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## sticky15 (Mar 28, 2008)

Thankyou g.s.  for your reply
Yes - I suppose ,at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with the decisions you make. We all have different journeys so have found different aspects more difficult then others.Also,whether it be trying for first/second child - infertility  is exhausting emotionally- we all share that(unfortunately).I think we are all aiming for our children having siblings - it would be lovely - maybe unobtainable.
Sticky xx


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## katedoll (Jun 3, 2007)

I've been thinking about this lately now our LO is 6 months old.  I think it is harder second time round, as I love our LO so much I want to do it and be successful for them too.  Last time it was about what me and my DP wanted, this time it is more about what our LO wants.  (I'm presuming here that their life would be enriched with a sibling.)  But I speak to many of my friends who are only children, perfectly happy with it and that phrase ' you don't know what you're missing if you haven't had it' crops up a lot.

I feel really lucky, daily, with our lovely LO and know how blessed we are, but at the back of my mind is always, how I can't provide a sibling for them to play with (like I had with my sister).  But life isn't perfect and if the worst thing that happens is they don't have a sibling, you know they can be happy, fulfilled people still.  I'm trying not to spend too much time thinking about it and just enjoying LO as it goes soooooo fast, and I'll look back and regret time spent on ovulation test and on the internet (like now!) researching more, if I don't enjoy it now!


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## ophelia (Sep 27, 2005)

I understand what you mean about wanting to try for a sibling for your baby and also you know how lovely it is to have a child and want to do it again. But I personally still think it is harder to try for a first baby than for a sibling in the fact that what is worse:

Living a childless life due to never been able to conceive after years of fertility tx and then when you´re an old lady  you will live with the thought that you never got to experience motherhood 

or  

Get lucky with tx and conceive a child, even though you maybe never get a sibling for your child, but when you are an old lady at least you did get to experience motherhood and hopefully grandchildren.

That´s why i find trying for a first baby is harder cos it feels you will never get the chance to become a mum when you keep getting failure after failure. Obviously it may be harder financially if, like me, you had to spend 30000 pounds to get one child to then be able to afford more treatment to try for a sibling. 
But if i had been lucky on first or second attempt of tx I would have more ICSI but after spending all that cash along with it taking 9 goes and 2 losses it is scarier to try again as we certainly couldn´t afford financially or emotionally to do potentionally another 9 goes before it would work.
A natural conception is our only option.  

Love/Ophelia


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