# Help ... having second thoughts whilst I wait...



## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

I don't really know where to post this message, so I hope it is ok it is going on here. I'm feeling   even just writing this. It is just such a relief to write down how I feel, as I don't feel I can talk to my DH.

We were approved to adopt in November last year. Prior to that we had undergone years of fertility treatment (but only one round of IVF) I spent ages trying various natrual approaches, plust the usal lap, clomid, cycle monitoring etc, with some breaks inbetween.

I felt so elated in November when we were approved, but since then I have found myself questioning whether we made the right decision not to have further IVF. We thought long and hard and decided adoption was right for us, but right now, I just feel empty when I think about it. I hate my life being controlled in this way by faceless Social Workers looking at our adoption report, deciding whether we are the right match for 'their child'. I am wanting to move on from my current job, but feel trapped in it at the moment becuase of wanting to hold on for my adoption leave. I feel like my life was on hold all those years we were trying for a baby natrually and now it just feels like it is on hold all over again. I was 24 when we first began ttc. I'm now 33 and I'm tired 

A woman in my team was showing off the first signs of her baby bump today and I couldn't look, becuase it was too painful. What if I have made a mistake? It has been over 18 months since we first attended the information evening for adoption. At the time, I was so committed, but I don't know if I am any more. I just feel like I want my life back. 

Sorry to have gone on!! Thank you for listening  

Sending everyone lot's of   as you all continue on your own journeys.

Juby x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Juby,
I couldn't read and run. Your story is very very similar to mine (even ages). I think it's natural to feel what's if
Especially as you are on the no mans land of waiting. I changed jobs between prep and HS as I felt I had stayed too long in my job for the good mat/adopt pay. Found another job that I really enjoy and as wee bit more money I could sacrifice the pay I missed in old place. 
Me & DH decided we would stop putting life on hold and altho I feel that at times I am trying to live my life as full and in moment as we can whilst waiting.

Only you can decided if you need to give treatment another go. For me I'm still sad that I won't have a new born, or that my lo will have a past before me but I do feel excitement about my lo (not matched yet) and how I know I can parent thro and help them more than I would have ever thought. Genes are just that to me and I don't hanker after being pg anymore. Doesnt stop the odd random thoughts thOu

G x x


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## rikschick (Aug 29, 2007)

Hi Juby. I posted on here a couple of years ago asking about having 'blips' while going through adoption - I still cried when I heard friends got pregnant etc. I even had a blip after prep course too when a friend got pregnant through donor IVF. However, right now, we are about to be matched (fingers crossed) and there is no doubt in my mind at all. Whether time has has helped, I don't know, but if you feel you need to try one last treatment, no-one will blame you. 

Our last treatment was 2008. It took 2 years of soul searching to pick up the phone to adopt and even a year after this I still felt as though I was wavering. You need to do what is right for you. If you need time, take it. 

Wishing you all the best. xxx


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## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi to you both,

Thank you so much for your replies, it does make such a difference being able to talk it through with people that a) understand and b)aren't emotionally involved in the way my family are. 

I don't know what I would do without this sight!

Sending you lot's of  re your journeys to become Mummys

xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is normal, lots of people go through it and at varying times, even after placement it can come back and rear its head.
The waiting post approval for a match is the hardest part by far and after all the contact with your SW, it can feel that you have been forgotten about.  I can assure you thats not the case and things will be happening in the backgroud that you are unaware of.
Do you have regular (monthly) contact with SW?  If not, ask for it even if just an email.  Ask whether there are any potential matches in your LA currently, it may be that all the children are waiting for POs and so its a bit 'quiet' as far as linking meetings go at the moment.  Are you on the national adoption register? Are the LA part of a local consortium you can go on?  Register for CWW or BMP, it can help to actually look for children yourself and feel as though you are doing something instead of waiting for SW to ring.
When you find the right match you will feel excited but you will also have doubts, its normal, its a huge thing adopting a child BUT, having adopted 2 myself, it is worth it.  Like you I was very young when I started ivf, I went through years of tx and heartache, and it can seem like your life is on hold for a very long time.  Don't put your life on hold - book a holiday, look for another job if you are really unhappy where you are, do things you won't be able to do when you do have a child placed.  You will get the news when you least expect it.
Good luck
OT


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## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Thanks OT,

That is really sound advice. Since I wrote that post we have been contacted by the SW asking if we would like to meet with her. I feel better just knowing there is a date in the diary.

It is really helpful to hear other people have felt similar things to what I have been feeling. I think when you try and ignore difficult feelings they just come back at you even stronger than before, so I definitely feel better for getting them out!!

I also showed this post to my DH because I found that easier than trying to go in to it all, and he was great and very understanding, so all in all I'm feeling a lot more positive. 

Thank you!

J x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

So pleased you are feeling more positive, have a date with SW and have been able to talk with DH.
Keep talking, the support on here is fabulous and no one will judge you for having a wobble.
OT x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Juby1


The waiting is horrendous and I had doubts pretty much all the way till we met our son! It is hard to let go of the fact you will never have a newborn and adoption can seem very scary and the waiting just makes you go crazy at times.


I can honestly say it is the best thing we have done, we managed to be matched to a 10 month old baby boy and so did not miss much. We will adopt again and we had a frozen embryo which we have now let perish as we just don't want to go down that road again.


Hang on in there, it will happen!


panorama x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi Juby1

I can relate to how you are feeling. Although DH and I have not gone through IVF. It has now been 3 years since we knew we could not have our own birth children. We have been looking at adoption ever since. We attended our prep course in May 2011 and started our HS in July 2011. Due to various reasons out of our hands and in the SW we were on hold for 4 months. We now have a panel date for May 23rd. I feel like my life has been on hold for years. My DH and I have developed and progressed in our work, relationship, home and dreams however we still feel that our life is in the hands of the system. Everyone around us is having babies. My younger sister gave birth in January and my older sister is due tomorrow. I try so hard to be happy and positive for them and a good auntie but some days I find it impossible   When we do get excited we then feel we are unable to as we are forever warned that our parenting will not be like parenting a birth child and we need to be ready for challenges and difficulties. However, at the end of the day adopting IS going to be a wonderful journey and those that do go on to adopt have gone through an amazing and challenging journey. Try and stay positive and enjoy the current moment (i know it is easier said than done). Move jobs if you wish to, plan a weekend away .... just a thought. I am finding the adoption journey a hugh roller coaster of emotions. Sorry if I have blabbed on a bit here. Keep smiling  
x


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Couldn't not reply. Have to send   . Know exactly how you feel about putting your life on hold. I did for many years, knowing I was doing it and I couldn't help it. We have our little boy home now and I am a mother   . But I won't forget how hard it is putting your life in other people's hands, be it for IVF or adoption. Especially for adoption I found it hard that they couldn't see that we were nice normal people without having to prove it so much. I think I will always find pregnant women and tiny babies painful, but it is so so much better now. That maternal urge really is satisfied and I wouldn't want anyone other than our little boy now.
Good Luck Juby and PEJ - it is worth it. 
Duckling xx


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you Duckling and CONGRATULATIONS on having your little boy at home with you now   I hope all is going well with you all. xxxxx


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## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your replies - it is really re assuring to hear that a) you are not on your own feeling this way and that I'm not going   and b) to hear when adoptions have happened and  when adopters say 'it is the best thing we have done!' xx

PEJ - I'm liking your idea of the wk end away!!

Wishing you all lot's of hugs on your own respective journeys, 

Juby xx


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