# Does anyone know how to cope with this?



## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Hi All,

This is my first post. After two and a half years and a "diagnosis" of unexplained infertility, I just feel so completely despairing. I'm so sick of the constant cycle of hope, waiting and disappointment, and I'm starting to feel so angry about how unfair it all seems. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are getting pregnant and having babies, or already have them and want to talk about them. All my time seems to be spent pretending not to care and pretending to be happy for other people, or sitting and crying for so long it feels like I'll never stop.

I'm in the middle of treatment with clomid and progesterone at the moment, starting ivf in the new year if this doesn't work. At this point I feel like nothing will work. If no one knows what the problem is, then how can it possibly ever get fixed? I just can't believe this is happening to me, and I can't understand how it will ever end.

Sorry for the massive rant, I just really feel like I don't know how I'll ever get through this or feel normal again. Does anyone have an good advice? What has helped you? How do you get back on track after yet another failed cycle? How do you feel like yourself again?

I'd love to hear from anyone with ideas....


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

no answer i'm afraid, except to say i had about 20 years of trying to get pregnant and being unexplained... and my miracle baby is now having his afternoon nap. it CAN work! 

so don't give up, keep the faith. bring on 2016!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

ps. we still don't know what the problem was, technically i'm still 'unexplained'. though i think it was a mixture of things, icsi/improving sperm quality  plus clexane and extra folic acid seemed to be the magic answer but we will never know for sure.  they can find the answer without knowing what the question is..


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## FlyingCat (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi Rebecca - sorry you are having such a hard time.

Regarding coping, I think the only things that really helped me are being as busy as possible with other things. I also tried to make the very best of life with my DH while we didn't have kids - avoid as much as possible putting life on hold while you wait as it could be a long wait!

Inevitably you will run into other people having babies and or spending their lives talking about their kids and the thing that helped me is to try and enjoy other people's kids as much as possible - the mantra that helped me is to keep reminding myself "its not your kids that I want its my own, so no need to be jealous"... well it worked sometimes anyway - The initial pregnancy announcements were pretty horrible but usually afterwards I managed to make it work. I figured with my friends and family my alternative was to become a hermit  . 

And of course come on here as often as you like to rant about the total unfairness of it all!  

Hope you don't find it unhelpful... I know everyone works through this differently.

Regarding how will you ever find a solution if you are unexplained... sometimes treatment is the best way of getting to a diagnosis, it allows the docs to see what parts of the process work and don't work to pinpoint where the problem is. It doesn't always work but it can help.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Rebecca81,

I was "lucky" in some respects having a clear diagnosis & being spared a lengthy period of trying naturally with no success, but I would hold onto a couple of thoughts-

There's an end point in sight for this phase as you have a planned start for IVF, this limbo won't last forever.

Truly "unexplained" couples have relatively good odds with IVF compared to other diagnoses. (IVF calculator may help you feel more positive)

I also kept reminding myself that just because someone else has the thing you want most in the world, it doesn't mean they are anywhere near as happy as you would be if you had the same. There are plenty of miserable fertiles dragging their kids around & complaining about how _hard_ it is.

I also looked upon the expense & suffering of my earlier cycles not as a pointless waste but as an investment in my future mental health, in that if it didn't work I could look back and know at least I'd tried everything. Even if this time on clomid now doesn't work for you, at least it is one avenue you can cross off and move forward with IVF knowing that it's justified.

Best wishes,

B xxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Rebecca,

I felt exactly the same as you.  We had 4 years of nothing after a very early miscarriage and a unexplained diagnosis made me feel so frustrated.

However, I can give you some hope.  On our first cycle of IVF we had 9 eggs retrieved and 8 fertilised.  We couldn't believe that the buggers got it on in that pot, but not any other time!

Our cycle worked and we got a BFP.

Good luck
X


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Thanks so much for the replies, it's made me feel much better after a really poo few days. You all sound much calmer than me though - I think I must be turning into a bit of a loon


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## ladybug8410 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hi Rebecca

Like you, that question of how to cope goes through my mind every day. It has pretty much been the first and last thing on my mind for the best part of the last 2 years. I haven't got my BFP yet but am hoping, my time will come. 
We started off IVF thinking this was male infertility but after 3 cycles, it appears my eggs are fairly rubbish as well. I'm not sure what is worse - unexplained or having a problem with both partners. I guess the grass always looks greener on the other side.

Things that have helped me :
-Having a good cry now and again
-Being thankful we don't have kids yet when you board a long haul flight/trying to do a quick food shop in Tesco
-Laughing it out with DH about how "broken" we are
-Endless tv box sets 
-Work (As much as I hate work, it is a big distraction)
-This website!

Not sure if my post helped, this week has been particularly hard for me after our last cycle failed last week. But always remember, you are not alone, and it will get better for it can't get worse than this!


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Thanks ladybug, and I'm so sorry you're having such a hard week. Like you say, things have got to get better some time - I sometimes feel that there must be lots of good stuff waiting out there to happen, as surely it's got to even out with the hard times at some point! Thanks for sharing your story, and your coping strategy, and I do hope that things turn the corner for you soon x


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## Passion4baking (Oct 18, 2015)

Great question Rebecca, totally could do with the answer to this too, I feel like I'm going mad and turning into some kind of psycho! 

My survival technique at the moment is to retreat and be a hermit, can't say I'd recommend it, its certainly not a long term solution but no different to a spell of hibernation xx


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## Leenaj (Aug 12, 2015)

Hi Rebecca 81, 

i can totally relate to you...all your feelings, frustration, anger, you  name it is being felt or has been felt by a lot of us on here. Infertility for me has been the lonliest experience of my life. I feel I can't go around telling people about it because I will get labelled as the one without kids ( yet). But  What doesn't kill you can only can only you stronger - cliche but it's true. I wish all women could be mothers whenever they clicked their fingers but it's a hard pill to swallow for some of us we need help..the only way I see it is you have to fight for this and it is not impossible. Have a read of the ivf stories. They give me hope. I salute all the women out there who have fought, cried, battled with injections, had all sorts on instruments and aids put in uncomfortable places...they are more than the average mother already....hold on tight x


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Hi Rebecca,

Some wonderful answers from wonderful ladies. I'm finding it very hard at the moment and I don't know what to do. My husband has just walked out to go to the library and called me "crazy" because today, one week after my induced miscarriage, they confirmed that everything was progressing as it should and that there is no more embryo there. It broke me. I saw loads of people outside my window with prams and buggies and kids on the back of their bikes ... and all I could think of was "where's MY baby? When's it going to be MY turn?". I cried and had a frustrated outburst to which my husband called me crazy. I have never taken him for granted and have thanked him and said how grateful I was for him looking after me. I even bought him a present yesterday to say thank you for everything he's done, which hasn't arrived yet. 

I know I'm not "crazy". I'm just a woman who has been fighting for a dearly wanted child and has tripped over a lot of hurdles. Sometimes it's difficult to smile. But it's normal and we're allowed to feel what we feel, no matter what others may tell us. Lots of love to you. X


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Violeta, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Doesn't it always seem like everyone else has babies, it's so frustrating!! I'm sure your husband doesn't really think you're crazy, I can imagine that he's finding it just as frustrating as you and doesn't know how to help you. I know mine often feels like that, and it can come off as uncaring when really it's just sheer despair. I think everyone on here knows what it's like to reach breaking point, and sometimes it just feels important to let it out in order to move forward, don't let anyone tell you any different  (or at least that's what I try and say to myself)!!


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## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

Hi Rebecca, you took took the words out of my mouth. It is unfair, it is heart-breaking and it is a recurring cycle of grief and hope that grinds you down. I'm still trying to find my own way of coping with this. Just recently I've started meditating and living mindfully. I realised that the struggle with the grief and sadness and unfairness is what really gets me down. It's so much effort to keep it together and not break out in tears whenever that horrible "What if I never...?" thought comes into my head. Mindfulness is supposed to help with accepting that feeling rather than struggling with it or letting the negative emotions overwhelm you. I can't say that this is happening for me yet, because how can you accept that? BUT, I have to admit that it has given me some valued moments of peace and reflection and it has showed me that I can indeed deal with the grief when I don't suppress it.

Regarding the way our husbands/partners deal with it... Violeta, so sorry to hear you've had an m/c. I can only imagine how you must feel. Different people deal with grief differently and it sounds as if your husband has a very pragmatic way of dealing with it. Often people like that DO suppress their grief and get busy instead. But when they are confronted with someone else's grief about this, their defenses weaken and the only way to strengthen them again is to get angry and offensive. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband's anger was just his way of dealing with his own grief.
My husband is quite similar in that he suppresses his fears/worries and we've had some arguments about his (lack of) efforts to increase his sperm count. I feel he's not lifting his weight, while he sees me suffering and of course then I immediately think he doesn't love me enough. I know it's stupid to think that and I make every effort to think differently. But when we're stressed anyway, rationality often goes out the window. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others.


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## Leenaj (Aug 12, 2015)

Hi ladies, 

Reading this thread has just calmed me down. Just had a ding dong with husband, ended up stomping upstairs and saying I'm going to bed - only realised it was 7.30 when got up. Felt frustrated with us maybe not trying sooner. We have out Owen business and in our Late 20s put everyting into that. I blurted out well if we had married sooner, and he wasn't so busy with the business side of things then maybe we could have tried earlier, and then we could have sought treatment earlier. He just told me I was mental because he said well it's because of his business that we are able to speed things along as were not waiting on the nhs, and pay for it privately... Maybe he is right.. He said others might need to wait God knows how long...I'm due on any say now but I can't think straight today...wish I could ring my mum, but I'm scared of being judged. She told me last week why have waited this long, I just turned 34 last week, whereas she had 3 kids by 28 and voluntarily got sterilised by 30...now have floods of tears in my eyes.


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Oh dear, it's horrible when you end up having an argument over it all on top of everything else isn't it? I'm the same age as you and I often feel like we should have tried earlier, but who knows if that would actually have made any difference. Plus, I think it's important to remember that we can't change the past. You can only change what you do going forwards. 

I've had a ton of arguments with my husband which I'm sure in hindsight have just come from not knowing what to do. Once, I declared that we should just give up and chucked my clomid, opks etc all in the bin. Luckily I did calm down and it was all boxed up so I could retrieve it (not ready to entirely give up hope yet!). I can relate to you on the mother thing as well - mine recently informed me that my age is why it's taking so long. I had to point out that I know a ton of people my age and up to about ten years older who have all been able to have babies! No wonder we're all going mental with people saying that kind of stuff to us!! Aargh


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## Leenaj (Aug 12, 2015)

Hi Rebecca 81, 

Yep noticed the 81 and thought someone my age...yeh I decided to sleep in the spare room, I needed time to myself. I just turned 34 last week but it does make me panic. Mind you I just don't understand fertility. My mother inlaw last got pregnant very easily at the grand age of 44, she was 45 when she gave birth. My brother in law is 21 yrs younger than me. But then I suppose it takes two fertile people to conceive. We know what our issues are I have one open tube and hubby low sperm morphology. Time goes quick in relation to my age but it's really annoying me that I naively i thought we would be having ivf the following month, but our clinic said we would start in December not November. Think they are too booked up. So egg transfers would in jan..I know it's not that far away but November is closer to start. This is life as it is, waiting to pregnant. Hubby also thinks I'm tooooo negative as I was pleased to be offered Ivf as natural is not happening, and he thinks we won't get implantation because I'm too negative...


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Someone much wiser than I am said that I should use any downtime between treatments to get as prepared as poss for whatever is next. If you've got an extra month before ivf then you could try thinking of it as a chance to get as healthy as you can in both body and mind, to give the ivf the best possible chance. Its the only line of thinking I've found that has helped me deal with how much waiting is involved in all of this. I'm not very patient!!


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