# Am I the only one?



## aubergine07

This is a bit of an odd one, and I feel a little guilty and out of place (because no one else seems to feel like me from what I've read), but after 6 years of trying to have our baby and a family, and not being able to, we came to a decision that enough was enough, and we had to stop.  Thing is, I feel the best I've felt for a long time!

I still feel very sad for what we will never have.  We were with friends at the weekend who have 2 little girls, and both DP and I had a little cry, because we wanted that so much, but knew we never would (unless we do decide to adopt and are successful).  I still look at pregnant ladies and have a little rant under my breath.  I still find it hard to talk to the pregnant ladies at work.  And the list goes on...

BUT!  I just feel like I can be me again.  I feel like I put my life on hold for at least 51/2 of the 6 years we were trying.  I wasn't me, I was just devastated, heartbroken, and lost all the time.  I was bitter and felt so angry - why could it not be me?  I ached inside at the lossess (still have pangs of that - will never loose that I guess).  

Now though, I am living my life again.  I feel like I can drink what I want, eat what I want.  I don't have to worry about taking millions of vitamin tablets, or countdown with tredpidation to the next lot of injections.  If I want to go for a drink with a friend, I just do now.  We've booked a holiday for October (yes that far ahead!).  We are getting a kitten - not a baby replacement as my counsellor suggested, I see the 2 as very different.  We've always put off getting one though as we didn't know what was going to happen.  Now we can!

I also make myself think of the advantages of not having children.  Of course I would be happy to deal with these things if we had of been lucky, but we weren't so I've tried to turn them into a positive.  So, I don't have to deal with tantrums.  I have money to spend on me (not that I really have!)  I can lie in in the morning.  I can say to DP "lets go to the cinema/drink/ meal" and we don't have to worry about a babysitter.  I can enjoy having fun with other people's children, then have a drink, not having to worry about getting up the next morning.  

So, back to my subject box question - am I the only one?  Am I strange?  I don't think it means I didn't ever really want children, as I still get the pang, and know I wouldn't have gone through all that, if in the back of my mind I didn't really want a family.  But alongside the pang now, is a sense of relief - a great weight of the trials of IVF and MCs has been lifted.  That's not a wierd feeling to be feeling is it?  I just wonder if anyone feels the same!


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## Guest

Hi there!

I just wanted to reply to you as I relate to everything you say.  So no you are not alone at all.  I have recently made the decision to stop having ivf treatment and it is like this big weight has gone and although I am sad that my chances of ever being a mother are very slim I just feel happy that I can begin living again. I feel like my life has been a miserable blur for the last 6 years like you and I feel it is about time I started enjoying my life in some way again. I just hope that in time I may even be able to deal with being around ppl with children again although at the moment it is too raw still ANC I cannot bear women with bumps.

It is very sad we are having to make these decisions but also a great strength to be able to say enough is enough. So, I wish you lots of luck and happiness - we are both on the right paths now hopefully and may this feeling of relief continue for both of us.

Xxxxxxxxx


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## pringle

Hi

I can totally relate to every word you have said. Dh and I to decided that after last ivf in March that it was the end of treatment for us as it was taking over every thing and could no continue with the heartbreak. I do to still have the odd sad day but do feel that a great weight has been lifted from me as well. I think that its the start of stepping of the rollercoaster, looking forward to the positives.

You are not the only one who feels this way hun and you are not strange at all my lovely

xx


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## Debs

Hi aubergine  

No youre not on your own hun.

I spent too many years saving and putting every minute of every waking day into tx - it completely took over my life.

Now that its not an option I have begun to live my life again - albeit differently to how I planned - but at least now I can smile and be happy but in a different way.

Yes theres still times when it hurts like hell but in the main I am happy spending time with my nephews, neices and now their children but still be able to have a good social life and planning nice things to do.  Funny though as I struggle with bumps still now to be honest but am happy to get my hands on a new born for a good cuddle  

There is life after infertility - it just takes time to get there and I know we all will have gone through the hard desperate and difficult times and bear the battle scars.  As I say life isnt how I planned it but I thank God for what and who I have in my life.

For all the ladies who use this tread but not at the stage that I am I pray that they too can get to a stage in life and be happy again.  Its not quick and its not painles ......... but one day I truly hope they smile again.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Lisa16

Hi there ladies


You are not the only one. We came to terms with the decision that we were not going to be parents after our final failed IVF in March and although we were gutted it did feel like it was a relief that we had no more tx to have to go through and that it was time to move forward. A friend of mine who had seven failed IVF attempts put it into perspective for me when I asked how she had coped /moved on (as I was trying to prepare myself for the inevitable). She said that it would hurt for the rest of her life and that the pain would never go away but that it does become more bearable, and that she had to start being appreciative for the things she did have rather than being bitter about the things she didn't. I thought that was quite a good outlook and one I have been living too since
Like others I feel sorrow for what I will never have but I now fill my life with other positive,and less financially draining, things other than children. When the pain subsides I may look at voluntary work with kids to fill the void but for now I am happy being me as I lost that person several years ago in the years of tx and miscarriages.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sanfrancisco

To all you brave ladies,so pleased that there is life after infertility and that you are living your lives again.I am at present trying to help a dear friend deal with whether to move on or not,I will point her in the direction of this thread.I wish you all peace and happiness in your lives and I don't want to appear condescending or patronising but you never know what's round the corner,some of you may have a little surprise   xx


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## aubergine07

Ah ladies, I'm so sorry that you have had to go through the heartache too, but am even more happier to know that you also have found that light at the end of the tunnel and are able to live again.  I think its true that the pain will never go, but now we just find a way of putting it away, and being able to live our lives, allowing it to come out now again (think it would be dangerous to lock away for good) to grieve a little, but to help accept.

Mrsjrum - I just wanted to say you will be able to be with your friends and their small families one day - just allow yourself to take the time you need.  It was made easier for me because I am a teacher, and so have to face children daily (they actually kept me going through some of the hard times.)  But also DP said to me that we should enjoy and make the most of our friends children as much as we can, and be there for them.  I am in the process of throwing myself into that now!

I also hope this thread will help anyone who can't understand how to get past the grief, to know that there is a life, and you can find yourself again.  Big       to you all.


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## Moretolife

I can also relate to what you're saying. Understandably people use this board when they're feeling really raw and struggling or desperately need to vent so you don't tend to see many posts of this nature which can make you feel different and seperate. And of course thats a feeling most of us have felt throughout the experience of infertility so its easily reinforced. The very nature that you tend to be 'getting on with things' when life feels a bit easier and come on here when it bites you up the bum again means you don't always hear the other side. 

I understand what you're saying like the others have said, and feel something similiar. My experience is complicated by the fact that going through 6 cycles of IVF caused a severe relapse of the M.E I had in teens so I haven't been able to embrace life the way I would have wanted yet. At its best though it stopped me throwing myself into things too much and telling myself and everyone that everything was ok. Its forced me to grieve, which is very hard as having been caught in the trap of infertility since 2005 I just wanted to say its over now! 

It hasn't been a one way journey but then I didn't expect it to be, the initial momentous relief that we were off the rollercoaster was followed by a big comedown for a while and then after nearly two and half years since our final cycle and saying enough, back in February we took the decision to release our frozen embies left from our last cycle which put me back in a darker place again. But it wasn't the same, it was painful, it was desperately sad, it had me asking why all over again and it made it harder for me to handle living with my M.E as thats a direct result and legacy of all those years of putting myself through treatment. But it didn't last so long, didn't take me down into that big black hole and I came back up much quicker much stronger and felt more genuine about the positives in my life again. Its not remotely the way I pictured it, no children, still not well enough to work but there is plenty of good in it and I see the capacity for much more good things to come my way.

I agree wholeheartedly with the person who said you can look at all the things you don't have and yearn for them and feel bitter or you can enjoy what you do have and hope to bring in more happy things that are possible. It takes time for that to feel more than a platitude and when you're feeling raw, you think how, but with time and focus it does come. 

I remember a conversation with my DH, walking round a park, about 3 and half years ago, and saying I feel like this door is completely shut to us having children and while I know there are other doors open to walk through I just don't want to go through them, they're not good enough whatever I'd find there but I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against this closed door and its hurting me badly and I can feel life passing me by (yes we do speak a lot in metaphors about the heavy stuff, it helps to explain it!!  ) I said will I ever be able to turn my back on this closed door and feel good about trying one of the others, he didn't know and we concluded all we can do is hope and give it time. Fast forward and life is far from perfect, my health is still poor, we've had a lot of stress, I'm having counselling, but I do feel like I've stopped banging my head and yearning for that door to open thinking its the only thing in the world. The other doors are looking more and more attractive and I've taken small steps to go through and see what I can find.

Like you say it doesn't mean a magic wands been flicked to take all the pain and emotion away, far from it. But its quality, intensity and frequency changes. You start to feel different. All the positives about not having children stop looking like second best options to fill the void and are things that make you feel genuinely happy and content. The feeling of getting yourself back again - be it an altered version - is a very powerful force. I look back now and see how completely and totally immersed I was with having a child, I think I needed to be to put myself through such trauma but when you're stuck in that bubble you can't really see or feel anything else.

I still rarely spend time with families, but whereas before it was because it was unbearable to do so, now its because I feel we have little in common and very different lifestyles and as my energy is very limited I choose to find more friends and spend time with those without kids for whatever reason and this has been a major positive. It brings a lot of pleasure and feeling of connection and belonging, the opposite of what I felt before. At that point all I could see around me was babies, pg women, families and people talking constantly about their children. I no longer feel the anger towards people about this, I see it as natural that it consumes many and feel more respect for those who make a conscious effort to have conversation and interests seperate from their kids lives. 

I've reached a point where the saddest thing that could ever happen to me is looking back on my life and feeling that I wished I'd lived it more, let go of things more, enjoyed it more, made the most of all the good things and opportunities I had. Feeling that, for me personally, would be far worse than the grief and sadness about not having children, as terrible as that has been. On bad days, or times when things hit me-usually connected more to my health now than the infertility-I remind myself of that and it works well. I do have to remind myself its ok to feel bad as I can be so keen to be free of the negative emotions, and I'm working on accepting them as a natural part of life without it being too uncomfortable and unbearable, there isn't an authentic person on the planet who is happy and carefree every minute of their life after all. But that sense of perspective is what now gets me through those moments where I'm too ill to do anything and I see all the happy family adverts on the tv or when everyone else is busy and I see all the mums chatting with their kids playing and feel alone. Those moments don't have the same power and I'm happy to have my life back, a work in progress as it is.

You obviously struck a chord in me as I've poured out a lot of stuff today!! It be so nice if we all lived locally and could find out whether we had other things in common   The belief that you can 'move on' from such a traumatic experience and live with the cards you've been dealt is a huge thing in itself of course. Such a fundamental thing really in recovering from such a life changing event that doesn't have an end. Living with M.E I have to accept the illness as much as possible (as hard as that can be!!) make the most of the better moments and hope that I recover. If I do it will always be there, the possibility of a relapse, its still something I have to live with to stop that happening if I am fortunate enough to recover to a fully functioning level. I see the infertility as something similiar.

This is a very inspirational thread and been great hearing from others xx


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## aubergine07

Moretolife - I am so so sorry that you have had to cope with an illness on top of everything else.  Please don't ever look back and think you should have lived life more, or done things differently.  You did what you did, and you should never regret anything.  If anything you should congratulate yourself for giving yourself every chance you could.  You did what you had to, so be proud of youself for fighting so hard.

I liked your idea of the doors, and I think for me, I'd say that I then got pushed through a door I didn't want to go through.  I'm now on the other side and seeing that actually there are some great aspects here.  It sounds like you have found some too.

I really hope the counselling is helping, and wish you all the luck with your recovery from ME


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## Kazzz

No, your not on your own but now I feel people don't believe me when I say I am happy with my life.s

Unfortunately you can't always have what you want in life, but there is always someone out there who is in a worse position than me.

Let's enjoy our lives!

Kazzz


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## michelleD

Hi
So reassuring to find Im not the only one. This is my first post in a few years, having stopped treatment two years and deciding on no further treatment. I have fully embraced my life as it is and am grateful for what i do have. What has brought me back here is the occasional feeling of loneliness get from not having a close friend to confide in. Only hear do people understand. Im already comforted by reading this thread  x.x


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## doddyclaire

Aubergine - Hi honey   I have to say that after getting my final BFN this morning - I honestly feel relief coming in, thats it, no more, no calendar checking, no pill popping, nothing, just a future thats not yet been written but that me & the other half can make what we want (with one exception of course!)
Its kinda a good feeling, and for a minute there I thought I was alone!!

To all the other ladies, sorry, really sorry I haven't read your posts, I will do I promise, but I have history with Aubergine 

xx


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## aubergine07

Hi Doddy, am so sorry to read that you got that result.  I don't come on as often as I used to, part of the trying to get on with things in a happy way.  But of course I check how you all are when I can   

It feels odd doesn't it to feel ok.  I mean you do still get bad moments - I went to the Harry Potter studios tour at the weekend, and just suddenly started crying as I realised I would never get to read the books to my child.  But you are do right to not have to have to worry about all those big and little silly things that were all so consuming.

A few days later on from your post, and I hope you're still doing ok.  PM me if you ever need to chat


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## fluffy73

hi all

new to this, just went through a course of ivf and it failed, just found out today that it dnt work and i cant stop crying.  Looks like this is now the end of the road for me as i have been trying for years.  I find it harder as the other half has a child to someone else and i feel envious at times, feel like a bad person.  Can anyone give me advice on how they moved on after all failed.  I feel heartbroken and a failure, when the hospital told me it was bad news i just cried and put the phone down, have nobody to speak to.


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## doddyclaire

Fluffy - Sorry to find you here, its an absolute heart-breaking result and believe me when I say we know how you feel  
Everyone handles this part differently I think - some lock themselves away for a few days or weeks and cry it all out, others put on brave fronts and have mini-breakdowns behind the scenes.  You will find your own way of coping but the most important thing is to allow yourself & your partner time to grieve.
Give each other lots of cuddles & kisses

xx


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## goldbunny

massive hug fluffy.


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## fluffy73

doddyclaire - thank you for your lovely comment, brought tears to my eyes again.  For me i just need to cry it all out of my system.  I have taken a week off work as i feel numb.  I dont want to go back to work as a colleague is heavily preggers.

its been 2 years of trying for me of which 5 months were for iui and this month ivf.  Due to the fact that the hospital only obtained 3 eggs i do not think i will have another chance of IVF and also i think after days of crying i could not go through it all again.  I have very low egg reserves.

So with my red eyes, red nose, cheeks etc for me its time to give up at the age of 39.  Trying to think of the positive things of not having kids.
How are you finding it any advice??


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## doddyclaire

I have good days & bad, some horrendous ones too, but am lucky in that we're now planning our wedding which does help having something to look forward to 

x


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## fluffy73

hi doddyclaire  congrats on your wedding.  I got married in May this year when are you getting married?  Its so much fun planning your big day.  I was actually getting iui on the months leading up to my wedding.  Ended up cancelling the last 2 iui treatments as it was taking over the excitment of the wedding.  have fun planning your wedding its the most amazing day of your life.


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## aubergine07

Hi Fluffy

Am so sorry that you also find yourself in this place.

There is no one way of dealing with it I'm afraid.  All I can say is that for me, after 7 years of grieving, feeling miserable, putting my life on hold, beating myself up, being angry and so on - I was just relieved for that all to be over. I think the key is to let it all out when you need to and you've made a good decision to take some time off from work.  Counseling might also help - I think all clinics and hospitals that provide IVF have to provide free counselling.  

Sadly the pain never goes away, but hopefully you will find away to let it be part of your life where the good things in your life actually take over - if that makes sense?


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## coweyes

Hi all

I hope no one minds me replying as I'm lucky enough to be 17 weeks pregnant.  But I really really wanted to say I so so wish I had found this thread or a thread like this before my last treatment as it would have given me so much hope. I really was on my last go and never truely thought it would work out for us as both me ad my dh have fertility problems and I have a genetic condition. Any how I am completely greatfull that I am finally pregnant, but I always tried to remind myself that there just had to be more to life that having a baby and that I am still totally worthy and interesting to be with regardless of if I can have a baby or not.  I hated the fact that not being able to have a baby defined me! Actually it only defined me cos I defined myself by it!! I hated it when people said " o don't give up". It's not about just giving up its about knowing your limit and valieing the rest of your life!

Even though I love this site I have never found much positivity on stopping treatment, I have always found it geared towards continuing trying no matter what! I think you all should be proud of yourselves for having the strength to surch for happiness and a fulfilled life inspire if it not being the life you thought you would have. Good luck to you all. Xxxxx


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## fluffy73

Hi aubergine07 

thank you for your reply found it helpful.  im hoping to go back to work soon and try and get into a routine.

im waiting for the hospital to get in touch but not sure if i could put myself through all that upset again..

trying to  look to the future and maybe book a wee holiday for next year.


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