# might be over for us as well



## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Well we met our SW today after me it didn't go well at all. In fact i can honestly say i didn't like the person one bit. When we found out our SW was going to be a man i was nervous about talking to a man about sexual things and my feelings and i expressed this straight away. Well the first thing he said was so you don't like men ummmmmmmm i didn't say that he said he read it as i don't like men and he was wondering why i married a man and the panel might look in to this. Excuse me i have worked with men all my life as the only woman in the company for god sake i was a hgv driver. If i didn't like men i think i worked in the wrong job. Well after all that it was any you have to go for the medicals until the end because i don't want you wasting your money in case i don't approve you. Not only that he knows i don't have family where i live because of our initial visit. So he was saying things like if you are approved you might not even get a child because of the support net work we have. 

Next came arranging our visits i work normal hours DH works afternoons. Can't really explain what i do but i work closely with another woman and if i don't work she can't work I have to take my holidays when she does and my boss was funny with me when we had the prep course having to have time off. Well this SW doesn't do tea time visits or weekends and doesn't do a late one on a Friday i can be home by 3pm on a Friday but that is too late for him. So now i feel like piggy in the middle boss is going to say no to me leaving early cos other woman would have to as well and SW can't help out on times either.

DH really didn't like him SW made me feel like i had to defend myself and that now if i had a problem i wouldn't be able to tell him because he would read in to it the wrong way.

We have rang our agency and explained all this and they said they will try and sort something out but if we change SW it could go against us. So what do we do have this SW and grin and bare it and not be ourselves.

DH as now said if we have to have this SW then he doesn't want to go ahead with it. My DH gets on with everyone he's the typical cheeky chappie not like him not to like someone. Me I would put up with it but I know when he asked me question it would be like a yes and no in case he read it the wrong way like i am a man hater.

So if you don't see me again on here you know why and if you see a cloud of smoke in the sky you know me and DH have started smoking again.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Louby i'm so shocked to read how terrible your experience has been, if you are not happy could you look at changing agency/LA i know this would put you back but it's better to change now than months down the line   please don't start smoking again coz you have done so well to stop. life is never simple is ot   keep fighting hun and you'll get there    

pam xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I can only echo Pam's words.

Don't give up, with your adoption route and the cigarettes!

Why not enquire about changing SS as Pam has suggested.

Sorry you've had a bad experience.

Sending you a hug (((())))

Love
Andrea
xx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

hi

i want to say that Saphy is right- dont start smoking again(says an ex smoker) and also pls contact a few other LA's as im shocked too the way your being treated- i have to say i think my dh and i have been very very lucky with our LA so far as they are lovely and i cant fault them one bit

hugs

Mez
xxx


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Our initial visit SW was so lovely and so were the ones on the prep course. Trust us to get one we don't click with. If we did decide to go with another agency would we have to do a prep course again?


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

You might not have to do a prep course again............I know it's a bit different but when we applied to adopt number 2, we didn't have to as we'd already done one before, it was a totally different agency as well.

Good luck

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Lou
Am so sorry to hear of your terrible experience, what a complete prat of a bloke!  I can only echo what the others have said, don't give up on either account, see if you can find another LA/VA but don't let that stupid man ruin your dreams or how well you have done with the no smoking.

Stay in touch, let us know how you get on, we will offer any support we can.
Love
OT x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Lou

Sorry to hear about how things went for you with your visit.  Like the others have said if you cannot change your SW, and it should not go against you (you are talking about some of your innermost feelings and fears, you have to have the trust and confidence in who you are sharing that information with and be comfortbale with that) then I would suggest chaging your LA.

Hope you can get to change and that SS listen to your concerns.  When you are feeling less upset by it, write it down as it may be necessary to put it in writing.  Sounds a bit like subtle bullying too.

Keep ypour chin up I am sure it can all be sorted

Karen x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

what a mare for you, so sorry you had to go through that 
i would suggest phoning someone at BAAF..i dont think your LA can penalise you for saying that you dont feel this SW is right for you..I'm not sure that would be an example of good practise 
i phoned BAAF because i wanted to write a letter of complaint to our LA after some stress that they put us through in our homestudy, i wanted some advice as to whether they had followed the correct procedures. I had a fantastic chat with someone who was able to explain the guidelines SS work to and gave me some excellant quotes to put in my letter. I was able then to write much more clearly what i wanted to say and it worked cos we got a letter of apology
so perhaps if you could get some advice as to whether your LA is acting appropriately you might have a leg to stand on
just an idea

kj x


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

LoobyLou - if you don't feel you can ask to change s/w due personality, attitude etc - can you not ask firstly on the basis that it is impossible due to your working hours and his availability. I reckon the male s/w won't mind as he would be only too happy to pass a case on ( less work for him). I don't see how they can penalise you for thiis - and yes you're right it may be very difficult to be assessed by this man given your intial feelings and his attitude
but if all else fails maybe first impressions are misleading and you can correct some of these issues during the homes study
good luck 
caseyxx


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## melaniejhodson (Jan 30, 2006)

Lou

I am so sorry to hear your news    masses of   to you hun.


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Sorry to hear this.  Luckily we had a wonderful sw but we did run into problems regarding visits too as she couldn't do evenings and only worked certain days cos she was a student.  As it turned out both DH and me had to take annual leave one half-day a week for the 12 weeks of homestudy.  We managed to agree with sw that is would be a wednesday afternoon every week (except Christmas).  i was quite upset at the time at losing out on my holidays becuase my work don't could these as equivalent to ante-natal but my immediate boss and I worked out a scheme where i took 2 half-day leaves and took the other two as flexi each month.

If you can't get round the visits it might be worth asking for another sw but don't be surprised if there are no evening meetings available at all - none of our agencies available workers could do evenings and the latest we could manage was 2pm as each meeting was 3 hours.  If it is a real problem for your work and there are no evenings, you can always ask to be put on a waiting list for hs until a worker with evening appointments is available (slows things down but shows committment to the process and to your colleague which will look good on your formF).

As for his attitude to your request for a female - he should not have been so blunt about your fears and should perhaps have been a little more understanding and explained the kind of questions and the fact that they don't tend to be for a few meetings once you have got to know each other better and that perhaps you could give written responses if it was something you find uneasy talking about. i can see the point he was perhaps 'trying' to make about whether your unease is something that needs to be looked at (we all have little things like that which come up and need us to think about why we feel the way we do about certain things) but I think he just 'went off on one' when he thought you didn't want him from what you say.

magenta xx


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## shivster (Jan 17, 2007)

Really sorry,
Just posted on your other post without reading this first.
Sorry you've had a bad experience.
Look at changing sw and don't give up giving up smoking, you are my inspiration on that score!


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Well we got a call they have changed our Sw to a lady who we have met at our prep course.

All I have to do now is tell dh when he gets home he has been looking to other options in case all this was to go wrong just hope he's not looked to much.


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

GREAT NEWS LOOBY LOU ! GLAD THINGS WORKED OUT FOR YOU 

CASEYXX


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## LB (Sep 24, 2003)

great news - bet you will both feel so much happier
- good luck with the assessment.

LB
X


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

So glad to hear you got another sw.  Wishing you all the best with your Home Study.

magenta xx


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Just saw your post and was really cross to hear about the male SW....does not sound very sensitive at all but I am pleased you have got your SW changed. Don't be suprised though if it comes up during HS. Hope it is all positive from now on for you.

Morgana x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Great news hun, i hope it all runs smoothly for you now  

pam xx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

fab news

good luck with your HS

xxxx


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## melaniejhodson (Jan 30, 2006)

Really pleased for you both that you got a positive result.  Good luck with your HS.

Take care.

Melanie.


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Well dh threw a spoke in last night. When he thought that we wasn't going for adoption anymore because of the horrid s/w we looked in to divf abroad. He read up on a new clinic and he liked the sound of it. Anyway since we have been allocated another s/w i thought everything was back on track but last night he said are you sure you don't want to go for divf. Whatttttttttttttttttttttttttt it was only last year that he said he found it too much of a strain going through the ivf. Like he had to do anything the only thing he had to do was the usual man thing no hardship there. Anyway I said he has got to make his mind up what he wants. I know he wants loads of children but what means i don't know now. I just wish the upset from the previous s/w hasn't happened cos he was so excited before then.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Lou
Just seen this post and wanted to send you a big (((HUG))).  Hope you are OK and getting things sorted, let us know how things go.
Love
OT x


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Thanks oldtimer for thinking of me.

Well it's been a strange couple of weeks since we last spoke to social services about not wanting the man one. Firstly dh said right lets go for divf. So i thought i would do some research. We have found a link on here to reprofit in czech republic who does divf actually icsi for 2800 euro which is very goo. I really thought we had come to the end of our ivf trial but now my head is spinning. The price of this is not out of our reach we could save this within 6 months. But whats getting to me now is that yes there is a 60% chance of it working but what if it doesn't. What i mean is what do we do if it fails. I am adopted myself and always wanted to adopt a child but also i want my own. My age is obviously against us so what do i do adopt first or go with divf.  As you can see i am confused now and don't know what to do for the best.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

hi lou

sorry hun only you and your dh can decide what to do all i can advise is that you sit down together and talk through the pros and cons of each. there is nothing to say that if you went with divf that you couldn't adopt later as far as i am aware your age would not rule you out of adopting the big thing to think about is if you go for divf and it doesn't work you will have to wait another six months to a year until you can apply to adopt again.

sorry i haven't been much help have i  

pam xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Lou,
I have no advice as such but just to say DH and I are older than you and your DH and we were placed with a baby girl just over a year old so age is not the barrier it used to be. Good luck in your decision
JD x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Lou
I know its a tough decision and only one you and dh can make, take your time over it and do plenty of talking.

We did 2 lots of DE/DS ivf in Spain and had immune tx as well but both failed.  We were given 80% chance of it working and really thought it would, just made the BFNs harder to deal with.  We also had proven donors so was back to that 'bad luck' thing and 'hopefully next time'.  We decided enough was enough but it was a hard decision to come to when being given such good odds.

Whatever you decide, Good Luck and keep us posted.
Love
OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Lou, it's not an easy decision but only the two of you can make it.

I managed to become pg through ICSI at 40 but had such a bad m/c that when the following FET failed I weighed up the pros and cons and voted against further tx.  That said there was a part of me that thought if I got pg before I could do it again, however the cost of tx and my age and the increased risk of m/c helped me decide that the time was right to move on to adoption.

You have to weigh up the pros and cons as they apply to the two of you.  All I can say is be totally honest with yourselves.  Good luck with your decision.

love
Cindy


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