# Coping with baby showers and births



## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi ladies I'm looking for support and advice please. 

A few months back I posted about my best friend who had also struggled to conceive her second child was pregnant. Well she, and four other people I know, is due next month. 

A mutual friend is throwing a baby shower for her and another girl who is having her second one too. After our second go at DE IVF we had a chemical pregnancy and early miscariage. I've been devastated by this and I'm still not coping well. Our clinic is shut this month so we can't cycle again until sept and have no frosties left so have to start again with our donor. 

I can't face the baby shower. I cry just at the thought of it. I emailed the girl organising it as she knows of our loss and said I can't come but would put in for both gifts. She replied saying she understood and what would I like her to tell people as my absence wouldbe noted. I hate lying and am useless at it and it's not a secret that we lost the pregnancy so I said Im happy for her to tell the truth. She has emailed me back to say it's not about me being ok with people knowing the truth but 'it's more that the truth might hurt her (pregnant friend) more than (me) having a wobble on the evening' and crying at the event. 

I'm lost now at how to respond. I can't go and don't want to put myself through it. I also believe that both ladies deserve a really happy night of celebration and it won't be that with me crying in the corner! I'm no good at lying, even just saying I'm ill that night I'd be no good at. 

I'm still so upset about the chemicalregancy and I don't know what to do 

Thanks for reading!
Hopeful x


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## lilyisabel (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi Hopeful   what an awful situation the mutual friend organising the baby shower has put you in. I don't blame you at all for not going and I think you are being really thoughtful. Your chemical is really recent and after suffering that after what you'd been through to get that far you're amazing. Would you be better speaking to your friend directly, rather than going through the middle person (even if it's a surprise) just say it's too hard at the moment you don't want to ruin a special night for her, that you are happy for her however still a bit fragile at the moment and maybe you two could do something special just you pair with lots less pressure? I'm sure she'll understand, yes she might be a bit sad to not have her friend there but as she herself has struggled she will have some knowledge of what the dark bits of this journey are like. I really feel for you  
L x


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Lily

Thank you do much for your reply. Your words were so kind!

I wish you everything success on your journey! I think your DD is a month older than my DS who was also natural before this nightmare began. Hopefully they will both have siblings soon 

Hopeful xxx


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi Hopeful, Just to say I completely agree with what Lilyisabel said. I think what your friend's friend said to you is wholly inappropriate. Your every thought has been of your friend and ensuring she is happy on the night. I hope your friend is as understanding as she should be. All the best.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hello Hopeful

Why should you have to make up stories about your absence, you just don't need the hassle?!  The truth is it would be difficult emotionally for you to attend.  You have been honest and that's all you can and should be.  It's not for you to worry about how your pregnant friend (who will be no doubt be on cloud nine regardless!)  will deal with you not attending     

Think self preservation and enjoy a night in relaxing   
X


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## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Hi hopeful, 

Just to echo everything that lilyisabel has said. I think it's a bit unfair you've been put in this situation and I would speak directly to your friend to let her know you won't be able to make it as its just too difficult at the moment. 

If your absence is noted by others surely they can say you are unwell?! 

You have to do what's right for you and look after yourself right now, we have all found ourself in difficult social occasions that with hindsight we would have avoided. I have turned down invitations to weddings and christenings over the past year including my best friends son as I haven't been able to face it. My best friend has done the lying for me to other people so I don't have to explain my absence. 

Big big   to you and sorry you are having such a tough time right now xxxx


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Thank you ladies! With yet another bump announcement yesterday your support is just what I need! Xx


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## hogmeister (Jan 14, 2008)

Hi Hopeful, you poor thing, there's nothing worse than people who have no understanding of conception difficulties forcing pregnancies down your throat, if there's one good thing about this long term ttc malarky it is we would NEVER ever do it to anyone else. I actually also think baby showers are a disgrace too, most people buy a present to take to the new baby once it is born (and wouldn't turn up without one), to be expected to cough up in advance (and for a 2nd baby too) is ridiculous. I agree with other posters, keep it simple, you don't have to endure an awful evening just to please other people. However having said all that, I have now taken the decision to try and be happy about other people's pregnancies on the grounds that it doesn't affect my journey and I wouldn't like people to be gutted to hear news that I was pregnant! Doesn't stop the heart sink when I first hear though......xx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I don't have an answer, but I can't stand these.

So American and Cheesy!

I don't know why people just cannot buy a gift once a baby is born.

I agree with the other posters, just tell them the truth why you won't be able to make it.

Take care
Stacey
X


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Thanks Stacey and hogmeister! Funnily enough it's an American organising it!

Well I bit the bullet yesterday and told my friend I couldn't come and she was great about it! Couldn't have been more lovely and understanding! Which of course made me feel like a crap friend but I'm glad she knows and understands the real reason for me not being there. 

Hogmeister I see you are off to serum with penny. We are going for attempt three next month and I can't say enough how great she's been so far! I know what you mean about toys fertility not affecting your own but it somehow still really hurts every time someone else manages it!

Wishing you both every success!!!
Hopeful x


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