# honeymoon period may be over with our oldest? HELP



## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi,

Today I have been pushed to tears 

It was all going so well! But our older ones tantrums are getting to me now, I had such big plans and it was all going perfectly, now I feel like its going wrong and I cant do anything right  

Looking back he had his own way at fc home, if he didnt eat something he would keep getting other things until he ate it, he didnt go out just stayed in all the time, not helpful for us.

We have our routine going now, and they are both in bed...no problems with that.

Meal times....arrrrrrrgh. breakfasr was ok, but now when he poursnhis porridge over the table, I firmly say no...he cries and wont eat any more. Am I wrong to say no?

Lunch....he will only set things...not healthy so I am changing that....but he wont eat it and just screams...do I give in and give him what he wants? He always has a yoghurt or fruit pot after...he eats that, but I dont like him to 'get rewarded' with a pud?! What would you/do you do?

Dinner....he rarely eats what he is given, tonight for the first tine ever I said eat it or go without, he didnt eat it. And usually he has a pud...tonight I didmt give him one. Was I wrong? (He screamed   )

He hates the word no and screams when I say it, ok at home, I just ignore it but out smd about I hate it, it feels like people are judging me, little do they know I have only been a mum for 2 weeks!!!!!

How do you discipline a 2 year old (young 2yr old)?

Any advice?

Dh back at work yhis week and I am dreading looking after them both on my own


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Firstly don't beat yourself up. He will be testing boundaries.  Our DD is an awful eater and she never has 3 meals a day. We spoke to consultant at hospital and he said "decide what she is having for each meal and stick to it" there apparently have been no cases of a child in Uk dying from malnutrition when food has been offered FC said the same. Today she had smootie x2 breakfast, very small roast dinner, milky way cake and 2 yoghurts nothing for tea she didn't like it apparently. Was chicken sandwich she loves chicken.  
We have recently stopped giving her pud if she doesn't eat but that was mainly because she was not even trying tea just want pudding she would say.
I know this is easier said than done but try not to get cross it doesn't help. I just take it away now and walk away.

I felt exactly the same when hubby went back to work and it was a horrible time BUT I promise it gets easier. Set small goals even hour by hour don't aim for the impossible you are  great mummy and u can do it. Your whole world has been turned upside down and inside out. 

Stay strong xx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Thank you, I needed to hear that!!! Thats it, I am going to stick to it, and only give a pud after a good try at dinner! 

Our DS had a tough time with food earlier in life, do you think this is still ok?


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Oh dear, I wouldn't worry too much about a bit (or even a lot!) of a fuss over food. Food is an easy thing for children to control, you can't force them to eat, and they will pick up on your distress and worry when they don't, so it's often something that they will fight over just after placement. A lot of adopters I know have had similar issues.

Wyxling's eating in foster care was absolutely awful. If she didn't eat her meal she would just get extra puddings and then doughnuts to make sure she was full. One day during intros she refused to eat breakfast and was given crisps, 2 doughnuts and chocolate milk in her bottle to "make sure she got enough calories". She also has massive control issues in general, which doesn't help. We also had massive problems with her seriously over-eating. She just doesn't do full, even now if I let her she would just eat and eat and eat, sadly one of the after effects of very bad food habits in early life from bm and f/c.

As long as you're gentle about it and avoid anything they really do seem to strongly dislike, I don't think there's any harm at all at least in the short term of sticking to this. Kids need to learn boundaries. I'm also very much of the school of thought that says if you don't eat your dinner, you don't get your pudding. Full is full, whether it's a carrot or a yoghurt. I also don't give "treat" snacks if meals aren't being eaten or teeth aren't being brushed, the latter being a big problem on occasion. I'm a meanie.

Perhaps try giving a choice of two easy things. When Wyxling was being awkward I'd ask if she wanted carrots or peas etc. It's a lot easier to get a child to eat it if they think they've had a say in picking it. Maybe start with fairly small portions of veggies to ease him into the idea that eating everything on his plate isn't _that_ bad, you can always gradually increase it once he's (hopefully) got used to the idea.

I would suggest you very gently stick to your guns, don't let yourself get angry or agitated even if the food ends up all over the floor, stay very calm with the tantrums and be sympathetic to how he's feeling, try encouraging him to eat, tell him you don't want him to feel hungry and he really will feel better after he's eaten, etc. Or maybe shall we have x for pudding, something he likes, and then say, right, let's just eat this up first then. I think if kids can get away with eating crap, they will. I like to give kids treats, but lets get at least a few veggies into them first!

You may get a few sleepless nights, however, if he's hungry.

It's hard to try and enforce boundaries when you desperately want your child to like you, in the very early days, and you really feel like when you upset them you're ruining things. It's tough, but in some areas, you have to show, gently, that you're in control. In my opinion of course. I know there are some who take the other angle, that they've had enough stress already, and that we shouldn't add to it in early placement. I didn't buy that one and I'm glad I stuck to my guns with Wyxling on this one, although I do wish I'd been more flexible in other ways in early placement.

Hope things are otherwise going well, it sounds like you're going along really well. It's great that bedtimes are OK, that's been a massive battle for us for almost 12 months, only really recently we've started to get a handle on it.

Wyxie xx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Wyxie you are lucky choice works it is a flat NO with bubba. I gave her lunch the other day and she wouldn't even pick the fork up "I don't like it" I left it where it was and she refused to even look I tried feeding her and got pushed away. Last time she had it she cleared the plate and asked for more!!! We often say at breakfast toast or cereal and get a no back. Yet somehow she is the perfect weight for her height! 

They all have their strange ways and that is what makes us love them more. Xx


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hiya, 

Congratulations on adopting your little one! 

I guess it's going to take a while for everything to settle down   Sounds like you're doing a great job.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Also, I think one thing you really have to learn when you adopt, is not to care about what other people think.

I have had Wyxling bite, hit, kick, grab hold of my hair and refuse to let go, try and gouge my eyes, tear at my face with her nails, you name it, she's probably tried it, and I just deal with it exactly the same out the house as I do at home.  Calmly, quietly, and if I have to sit down on the floor at play group or in the park and hold her until she calms down, I do.  People have given me all sorts of advice about the naughty step and time out, smacking on occasion, and being too soft etc, and I just tell them I'm glad it worked for them, but it's not appropriate for us to do that, and ignore it.  A year or so down the line and we've gone from almost constant kick offs to frequently having days or even weeks with none.  It's only generally when something unsettled her she wobbles and we get problems.  No-one else needs to know why I parent like I do, she's my daughter, and I don't worry about her behaviour reflecting on me.  Kids will pick up on you hating them kicking off when you go out as well, and it makes it just that bit more tempting.  I think once I stopped being more bothered by that than her doing it out than in the house, she just stopped doing it.  In general we don't get a huge amount any more, but we still got the odd cracker, had one in Tescos a couple of weeks ago, and yes, I did end up sat on the floor next to the broccoli calming my daughter down.  Hey ho, it happens.  The only time I've been genuinely upset in a "do I look like that sort of a person?!" sort of way was when someone asked me about my daughter's ear piercing!

You're doing something much harder than most parents will ever know.  There's no point explaining it, because people who haven't done it, don't get it.  No-one who hasn't seen kids go through this can understand how hard it is, in fact some who have still don't really understand.  It's hard trying to get things right with a kid that you don't really know that well.  I think as long as you're open to the idea that there are different ways of doing things and keep thinking about it, you can give yourself a bit of a break and just manage as best you can while you're out.  Don't sweat about the little stuff, but I think sticking to your guns, gently, but firmly, on the big things is important.

I'm dreading having two chuck themselves on the floor at once, but it'll happen I'm sure.

If you want a chat at all, generally around in the evenings.

Be kind to yourself, all you can do is your best and accept that you will undoubtedly get things wrong at times.

Also, just a random extra thought, but sometimes when Wyxling does something very outrageous and really quite naughty, I just laughed at her.  She once took the contents of her nappy and covered herself from head to toe in sh*t with a good amount on me too.  She was absolutely spoiling for a fight.  I just sat down and laughed at her, picked her up and put us both in the shower, she had a giggle too, and afterwards I said once was funny, but probably best not to do it again.  She never did.  I've found that's worked with a few things she's clearly done to try and get a reaction.

Edited to add:  Getting kids cooking with you, if you're able to do it, is great.  It's really good for bonding, and also for getting them to eat things.  Again, if they cooked it, they're more likely to eat it.

Plus the little things of course, like mixing veggies in with pies and pasta meals, chopped small.

Re vitamins: My understanding was that this is largely recommended because kids all tend to wear factor 50 suncream, and so vitamin D deficiency can be a problem.


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Sorry - pressed wrong button! As continued from above...

If you normally give a pudding (yoghurt or whatever) and you've already planned to do this, there won't be any harm in giving it even if the main meal isn't eaten. It's good nutrition and you don't want these things to be seen as a 'reward' food. 

Make sure there are no drinks/snacks an hour before food so tummy isn't full before meals. Is he drinking lots of milk? Two drinks of milk are adequate at this age. 

Try to eat together.

You could try getting him to help prepare meals. Homemade pizzas are always fun! 

It's recommended that all children under five have multivitamins daily. 

If you're still a bit stuck, maybe your health visitor could help? 

I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job. In my experience lots of parents feel the same as you! Best of luck with everything xxx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Thanks ladies, tomorrow is a new day and I am going to take your advice on board, I will let you know how it goes!.

Sometimes it helps to talk to people that know what I am going through, I think dh thinks I have lost the plot. 

I feel bad because for the first time I thought how different it might have been just adopting one, I love tbem so much and wouldnt change things and shouldnt have thought that!!! Ds saw me crying, he looked at me and gave me a smile and I felt so bad 

Wyx - your last post got me laughing!! Lol. And youre right I have to forget what others think when we are out, our DD is teething atm and when she cries DS does to because he doesnt like her to have my attention...the only way to deal with it is for me to sing row row row your boat loudly with actions....DH joins in and we look like idiots lol...but it works every time!!!

Belle - I have replaced morning juice with milk somhe does get some dairy, need to start night time milk. I have been lucky for vifamins, I need drops that can add to his juice...medicine is a nightmare! Any vitamin recommendations? 

Thanks ladies youre all amazing. Early night for me, tomorrow is going to be a better day!!!

Xxx


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hey dreams come true, glad you're feeling a bit brighter. Maybe try Abidec vitamin drops? They are easily disguised in juice! Otherwise there are different types you can have a look at in the supermarket/pharmacies. 

Hope you have a good sleep xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Row row   that is so funny. Dd FC swears by it and it has since become a joke with the whole family, his own children think he is planning on controlling the world with it.  We sang that song on every car journey for months I could even be heard singing it a few months ago on a freezing cold day when bubba had red raw hands she won't wear gloves (another battle lol) and she screamed as I pushed buggy home singing.

I cried and cried the day hubby went back to work likewise I think he thought I had lost the plot. Its all the joys of being a mummy xx


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

There is an interesting post on the adoption uk message board called 'food issues - it all makes sense now' - includes feedback from CAMHS as to how to understand some behaviour around food for adopted children. May help!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

DDCT, so glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't feel bad for random thoughts about how things could have been easier in different circumstances, it's only natural to feel frustration at how hard things are for your children and you at times. I used to feel like I was betraying Wyxling somehow on the days when I sat and thought, why couldn't it just all be simple, why couldn't I have always had my baby, and why did I have to watch her being so hurt and scared and be completely unable to offer her any comfort that wasn't rejected outright. But it's only natural, and we have to admit to being human or we'll go bonkers. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.



aaa is a MUMMY said:


> Wyxie you are lucky choice works it is a flat NO with bubba.


To be fair, it used to work really well, but the last couple of weeks I've often got "both" or "chocolate" as the response to any offered choice, whether it involves food or not.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

don't really have many words of wisdom from experience but I think your doing great and doing the right thing. Puddings etc are as a treat for something good or eating well/trying something new. They should not be used to make sure they are full after not eating much. 
Just make sure you change only one thing at a time, take baby steps and lots and lots of praise when LO makes a good effort. Challenge one meal 1st, then when that's under control another, then snacks and drinks etc. if you do too much altogether they'll be more likely to blow their stack over it. Think from their point of view, they normally get XYZ at FC, then one day they wake up and you give them C to drink followed by A to eat, you then say no to X - they get frustrated but look forward or hope for Y at lunch, you then give them B to eat with some more C to drink, they start to get angry, may even tantrum at that point. Then for tea it's something totally new, or something they genuinely don't like (which you don't realise) or just E when they want Z. Aaaaaaargh, they explode in a whole whirl wind of confusion and anger. They want control in a situation where they don't have much, you want control as well and to change things for their own sake (which they don't understand) and you come to locker heads. 

Just take it easy, think of a plan and stick to it. Be firm but try and stay understanding as well. Maybe make a daily routine chart of times they eat and drink then maybe make a small menu of 2 or 3 meal options for each meal/snack time that are half way acceptable to you and LO and let them choose a one. 

Be easy on yourself, it's hard work and we have all been there with one problem or another. For us its sleep, be thankful thats going well and you haven't got both to deal with. Try to focus on the positive aspects of each day. Reflect on the hard parts and be kind to yourself on the days where you are just pulling your hair out. The tantrums become more manageable as you get to know each other better and learn how to deal with them effectively. 

Good luck, hope it improves soon. Try to relax though, they won't starve 😉 xx


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi Dreams do come true, firstly congratulations on becoming a mummy. 

I had similar experience when my lo moved in. Meal times became a battle, food flying everywhere and my lo not wanting to eat and me stressing and trying to discipline him over it. 

I ended up taking a step back and decided to do things differently the following day. It transpired that my lo wanted me to feed him and wanted his food like proper baby food, all mashed up! Once I started this he settled down amazingly and started eating up his meals with no fuss! I also just stuck with the things I knew he liked, it meant his menu was limited but he was eating and that was the main thing!. We are 7 months in now and over time lo has become more and more relaxed about trying new things and even feeding himself now and then without throwing the whole lot across the room! My lo is younger than yours but you say he is a young 2 and also often lo's regress in those very early days. 

Anyway just thought I would share my experience, I see you have had lots of good advice from others to. Good luck and keep up the good work


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Totally agree with Poppets Mammy about only changing one thing at a time. Even for our little boy, who's had no transitions to speak of, changing food or milk or a cup is challenging and we try and do it with the tiniest steps you can imagine at a time. So he never liked coloured cups and wouldn't drink milk out of them, only out of a bottle. But we didn't want him using the bottle teats forever - so we found a softer spout for the bottle first. Then we found a see through cup with a spout. Now eventually he will use a coloured cup (but he still likes it translucent and we haven't managed a straw yet but we'll get there!)

But don't be afraid to eventually change something. I met an adopter locally whose little boy had been in FC from birth to 7 months when he was placed with them. I am assuming the FC started him on purees at 4 months and they had basically just carried on with these till about 14 months so as not to disrupt him.  I can really understand how tempting that can be but he couldn't carry on with just purees till he reaches school age! So introducing tiny tiny lumps, then soft things he can pick up etc. You need to change things much more gradually than you might think possible, but you will be able to change things.

I'm not sure the vitamins recommendation is right though. We've never been told that.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya

It is so hard when children go through the battle of meal time, hard for them to feel 'tortured' into eating what they have decided (for that day anyway) is horrible, and hard for Mummy who is worrying about them eating healthily, developing good eating habits and everything else that mummies worry about.

We are a big foody family, we entertain a lot, try new recipes together and encourage the children to be like us.  They are both, thankfully, fab eaters and our love of food has clearly rubbed off on them.  However, they haven't always been.  
DD came to us at 18 months and would only feed herself and only with her hands, mashed potato and all    She didn't understand what cutlery was used for, but, she never ate with the fc's at meal times so how would she know    She wouldn't eat certain foods, would happily eat anything 'rubbish' every day but whinge and whine if anything 'healthy' appeared on her plate.
So my advice to you at this early stage in your bonding, is to be lead by him.  Write a list of what he does and doesn't like and find a few different meals (even if it's chips and nuggets/fish fingers etc).  Don't worry about his diet for this stage, he will be fine for a period living on toast for eg.  Try involving him, ask him if he would like his banana chopped up or mushy like his sisters?  Let him help you with cooking, dd chops up veggies, washes veggies, puts rubbish in the bin or composter and even stirs things.  My 2 lay the table and clear it away, ds does the dishwasher.  You get the picture, involve him as much as possible, but with clear rules to their help, if they don't do as they're told then they can't help, its simple. 
Make sure you all eat together for as many meals as is possible.  Does he want you to feed him?  Does he want to feed himself?  Is he better with finger foods?  Plan a picnic where he can have whatever he wants (just don't put crisps/cakes and biscuits out or that's all he'll eat   )
Picnic with some teddies in the lounge.
Does he like cereal with or without milk?  Some morning ds wants his milk and cereal separate. 
I would have 3 meals a day planned and only offer fruit between meals.  What would he eat at FC's and what did they eat? 

Ask him to try things, but its fine if he doesn't like it.  Just praise him for trying.

Remind yourself he will not starve, if he is hungry he will eat.  The more of an issue you make of it, the more he will push it.  At this stage he will be very confused with you being his new carer, he is bonding with you, but at the same time is angry with you so if  he can push your buttons, he will. 


There are things mine don't like, ds isn't keen on stew, but he will eat it.  I don't force him to but encourage him, I won't cook 2 or 3 separate meals for the family.  What 1 doesn't like one night, someone else will like and we each choose our favourite meals.  I meal plan weekly, which we're all involved in too, obviously a bit far off for your babies but what i'm trying to say is that by involving them as much as possible and showing your passion for food, it will rub off on them, eventually!  


I was a harsh mummy and dd responded to time-out so if she threw her dinner etc she would go and sit on time-out, come back , have a hug, mummy would explain what we want her to do and then (generally) she would sit and do as she's asked.  We were a few months in though when we did this. 

You will come out the other side, it is hard to see that sometimes but hopefully by reading others experiences you will see, we have all been there   

Good luck x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I've only read a couple of replies but have to agree with Wynnster.  It really is very early to be worrying about food battles, his whole world has changed so much and he needs some things to stay the same even if they aren't what you think is right.  Change food slowly, many children will try things that are on another plate rather than their own.  

The most important thing at the moment is you all getting to know each other and the children learning to trust you, not battling over things like food which can become a much bigger problem very quickly.  Food shouldn't be used as a treat or a reward/punishment.  Definately eating together encourages children to try more things and eat better but there are times when they are going to be 'fussy' or not like what they did last week.

You may find your hubby going back to work will upset things a bit as well but building a good routine will help to settle the children and build trust that you will be there and that Daddy will be coming home.

Good luck, don't beat yourself up, it does get easier but it is very hard and tiring to start with.

OT x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Hope today went ok for you xx


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