# New here only been married 6 months and have gone through so much



## mrsp74 (Oct 10, 2013)

My husband and I met late in life I was 37 he was 39 at the time we met, I'm now 39 he's 41, we got married in March this year then during the routine fertility tests it showed hubby had a mas on his testicle so it was removed tho he did get to freeze 3 samples where it was found he had 6 grade B sperm (as in the number 6 not million or thousand just 6!) in first sample 5 B and 1 A in the second but quite a few grade B in the last sample but nothing since I haven't a clue what these grades means but I feel our fertility doc doesn't think they will of survived freezing. 
We got told on Monday that our options are adoption or sperm donor.

Now I'm struggling big time with all of this hubby seams fine (he bottles his feeling and doesn't like to talk like I do) though we did have a big argument last night! 
I feel bad because I have started to resent him for the fact he can't give me the baby I long for I love him but resent him, so I've come on here to get advice on our options chat to other women that have gone through are going through the same as me and to see if there are any guys on here that can shed some light on what's going on in my hubby's head and maybe someone he could chat with so he knows he's not alone.

Thanks for reading x


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## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Infertility really puts pressure on a relationship, however as I am the one in our relationship that has the problem I would be heartbroken if my dh resented me for this. I have had nothing but love and support from him. On his own he has looked into surrogacy and egg donation which is great from a man who for one is from a different culture and usually leaves it all up to me. Did you marry your dh for the sake of just having children? Life never guarantees anything unfortunately and I understand its hard but you need to stop thinking like this. If he can't provide for you what is wrong with a sperm donor or adoption as long as you gèt your much wanted child? We are considering all options now just in case and if we have to have an egg donor so be it or any other way there is. Donation has provided much happiness for couples and made them a family. It can be hard to get your head around but you don't have to be blood related to be family. Counselling will help decide if its for you two.

I don't want to sound harsh but what if it was the other way round and you had the major problem? Have you had your egg reserve checked? Would you want to be resented? The further you go into the infertility more and more problems can arise and you have to be strong for each other. I have had days where I do nothing but blame myself and its an awful place to be in, it damages your self esteem and you think you are worthless. But with support you just get by.

I really wish you all the luck in the world with this it's a hard journey but I'm sure which ever route you take it will be worth it in the end. Just be strong for each other x


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## mrsp74 (Oct 10, 2013)

I came on this site for help and advice not to get shot down for putting my feelings on NO I DID BNOT MARRY HIM JUST TO HAVE KIDS
YES I do resent him a bit at the mo you don't know our full story 
I will go back to google and find another fertility site where I'm not shot down for being human and having feelings


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## Bibbidi (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi mrsp74, I understand exactly what you mean.  We found out in January that DH has zero sperm & it is a real struggle coming to terms with everything and the feelings it brings up.  I can imagine that after only finding out on Monday that your head is in a little bit of a muddle trying to digest it all.

Your DH sounds exactly like mine, seems fine and bottles everything up.  My DH has now started counselling, as for him bottling it all up lead to some difficult times once we had egg collection in July.

At the moment, you & your DH need to take time to absorb everything & start talking through your options.  If your clinic offers counselling I would recommend it.  Or for him to talk to others in similar position, there is the Men's Room on here but I've never ventured in there myself to know what goes on in there 

Please feel free to PM me at any time if you need to talk & there are lots of other women on here in similar positions that understand what you are feeling & going through.

Wishing you all the best on the onwards rollercoaster


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

MrsP I saw your post earlier and didn't have time to respond but just popped back to talk now.

This site has been fantastic for me throughout our journey and I have chatted to lots of women (including the lovely Bibbidi - hello!) who are in the same situation.

We found out definitively that my DH had zero sperm in April-ish 2012 so we have had a long time to process it, come to terms with it and accept the compromise that we are now trying to have our family with the use of donor sperm.

I can't give advice on your medical situation obviously, but for us, we had to absolutely 100% know there was no chance of a fully biological child before we could begin to consider other options.  I personally could not begin to evaluate our options properly until we knew that door was closed.  

I'm sure your husband is not really fine underneath.  Some people (especially some guys) are real masters at bottling up their feelings to the extent they don't even realise they feel sad or bad.  When my DH found out, he insisted for several months that there was no problem and there was no point getting upset about things you can't change.  We were in very different places, my heart was breaking and I was devastated.  I think we were lucky the relationship came through unscathed.  I had counselling at the time on my own and the counsellor kept insinuating that I must feel resentful towards my DH but I didn't, I knew it wasn't his fault.  That doesn't mean it's not a valid feeling.  I did however resent his reaction to the news as I couldn't understand it.  It has subsequently taken my DH a year of counselling to help him deal with his feelings and understand the extent to which he has repressed his feelings for much of his life.

Sadly there are not many guys on here which is a real shame.  The one place we have got to meet other couples in our situation is through the Donor Conception Network.  They run a course called "Preparation for Parenthood" which is for people who are considering but not conceived yet with a donor.  It sounds like it is far too early days for you both yet but I think it's good to know there is support there when the time is right.  We went on the course and met several wonderful couples who were considering using donor sperm or eggs.  I saw huge value in my DH meeting other nice, normal men who had the exact same issue as him.  We still keep in touch with some people we met and hope we will stay friends.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful but you may also want to go into the "Male factors in infertility" board.

You will still be very raw from the recent upset you have had so take care of yourself. x


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Mrsp74!!! Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

I hope you have now made up after your argument the other night, fertility diagnosis is difficult to deal with, no matter what the results, it sends your head into a spin and all sorts of thoughts go through your mind. It isn´t your hubby's fault, there is nothing he has done to cause this, there is nothing he can do to change it, so really there is no blame to be attributed. But I know how you can´t think logically when being hit with something like this. It is probably resentment at the situation, at the injustice of it all, rather than at your hubby himself. There is a "Coping With Infertility" section which may help you ~ CLICK HERE Do your clinic give any sort of infertility counselling? As Bumble said, it might help.

Here are a few other links that I think might help you.

Male factors ~ CLICK HERE

The Mens Room ~ CLICK HERE

Adoption & Fostering ~ CLICK HERE

Donor conception ~ CLICK HERE There is a sub section for donor sperm

IVF General chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Cycle Buddies (undergoing treatment at the same time) - CLICK HERE

Regional ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Chat Zone section which will give you info on upcoming chats in the chat room: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck with whatever path you decide to choose.           

Sue


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## leedspack (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi MrsP,
I can't offer any significant advice other than to be honest with yourself and your DH, I also think its natural to feel resentment at times when faced with these challenges. My DH who I do love dearly has low count and low mobility. And at first I wanted to discuss all our options and his response was to just say no to Sperm donation then just shut down, it's hard for them to process and accept that they can't give us what they know we want. I did and at times still do have feelings of resentment especially when I don't see he's taking the whole fertility treatment thing as seriously as me (perception). At first this was really hard, but after a couple of blow out arguments we both know better to keep the dialogue going, so as not to let the pressure blow up! 

I wish all the luck in the world and there are options, I hope you both find the best one for you and your DH


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## Cheesy (Jul 4, 2012)

Hello MrsP

So sorry you are going through this, it's not fair. 

We began our infertility journey with Male factor issues. It's incredibly hard on you both in different ways. I found it hard to cope with dealing with my emotions and it's hard on your relationship as a couple since he might feel guilty. I think you're grieving really and it's a lot to go through. My DH felt he should leave me as I should be with someone who could give me kids, but I was horrified at that: devastated for him that he felt so useless and horrified that he wanted us to split. In time I was able to reassure him and I meant every word, but of course I was still gutted that we were in that position. At different times over the years our relationship took a battering but in the end I wouldn't want to face this with anyone else. 

We explored SSR and have been lucky that the Tese was successful although we weren't sure about quality. Remember that you do have some there, maybe ICSI, IMSI or so forth might work for you. I think it is worth trying so you never wonder "what if". 

Sperm donation may be your answer down the line, when you're both ready for it but its a big thing to get your head round. 

This journey to parenthood can have lots of twists and fertility is complicated. Our issues switched at one point and then my DH had to be the one reassuring me. Its a long slog, no guarantees, and it can become all consuming. 

Keep talking on here if you can; keep researching your options but most of all try and keep talking to each other. 

You must have been facing other uncertainties when your DH was going through the tests and thank goodness he's ok. Can't imagine the stress and uncertainty you've presumably both been under. 

For what it's worth I think every poster here is just trying to help and offer a perspective. And everyone on the site is dealing with their own journey. I do remember how hard it is to be on the other side, processing my dh's diagnosis knowing what an impact it had on my own dreams. It's only natural to have a reaction. 

Hope you can get through this and wishing you all the luck in the world.


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## mrsp74 (Oct 10, 2013)

Thank you all for your kind replies hubby and I are going from strength to strength in our relationship he has been referd for counselling (due to the cancer, fertility and lossing his mum all with in a short time)

We are seeing our fertility doctor in January and the thing I'm struggling with is terminology what should I be asking for....

On the top of my list is WHY can't we use the sperm my hubby had frozen before his op to remove the cancer stricken testical? I mean it only takes one doesn't it? 

Please please help I want to make sure we have all the info we need to hand


I've looked though the site but am overwhelmed with the terminology and information I really don't know where to start! 

Thanks Gail x


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Sorry I know this is an old thread but I have to say I agree with Sweetpea, you posted on here asking for advice? When that happens you get some you like, some you don't. Remember you are posting on a forum with probably about 70% of women who can't give their partners children, and you talk of resentment, I have to say I admire your honesty however I think it's a little wrong you getting over sensitive about it when someone offered you good advice, hopefully you will get the counselling you need too to overcome your feelings of resentment, I really do feel for your husband must be so hard for him and can't imagine how he feels

I can't give my partner a child and he has been nothing but supportive, I worry he resents me, I just hope for your DPs sake that you hide the resentment 

Also if your are NHS I guess it's a numbers game why they won't use his sperm, yes it only takes one but the chances decrease drastically with less to work with, we are having to go down the DE route, I had to mourn the loss of never having a biological child before I could move on but even though I produced 4 eggs during a cycle in sept we have had to accept that donor is the way forward for us 

Good luck on your journey 

Lilly


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

mrsp74... you didn't say whether you qualify or can get IVF on the NHS so I will assume you would need to pay privately given your age. I think there's a difference between 'what might, maybe, be physically possible' and 'what is sensible, from a medical and financial point of view'. It sounds obvious that you 'only need one sperm' but the physical cost to your body of going through IVF, the financial cost of the drugs for the cycle, the egg collection etc.. well it is a lot to go through in the hope that one of your 6 sperm turns out to be suitable. Let's assume you managed to get eggs, say you got 8 eggs, well at best you'd only be able to fertilize 6 of them. Now fertilisation rates are rarely 100%, it is much more likely you'd only get _at best_ 50%.. so, in our hypothetical situation, you pay £6000, you have the scans, take the injected drugs, turn up on the day of the egg collection... having gone through weeks of your hormones being all over the place.. and you have to hope you get 6 defrosted sperm. Best case, 6 sperm, worst case, no sperm, and if you haven't agreed to use donor sperm, I guess they just send you home. If they had 6 sperm, best case they were all useable, worst case, none useable... let's assume they are ok, let's assume they do egg collection, you get at least 6 eggs, you waste the eggs you got over 6 since there aren't enough sperm.. the clinic have to guess which 6 eggs to use.. you have them ICSIed, say 50% fertilise, you have three embryos... there is no guarantee they will divide or reach even day three, but let's assume one or two make it.. then you have to look at quality... they have to have not fragmented too much and have divided evenly, maybe you get one useable embryo... it's a big maybe at this stage! then you have to put it back in and hope, all your hopes resting on one embryo, that it takes.. and deal with the emotional fallout when it doesn't work (only about 26% of cycles succeed, most people need more than one go)

compare this to using donor sperm: they can use as many eggs as you can produce... they can use young, good quality sperm and pick the best ones from it... you could potentially get not just a good choice of embryos to put back but even perhaps get some to freeze for a sibling.. or at least a second go from a frostie..

there's just no way a doctor would recommend the first version - and even if they did say they'd try, they'd basically be almost taking your money on false pretences since the odds would be so low. You haven't said what your egg situation is, have you had AMH/antral follicle count measured? Without these of course it is hard to say, but I would guess either 1) you have few eggs in which case you can't afford to waste them,,, or 2) you have plenty of eggs in which case it would seem mad to do conventional IVF and then not have enough sperm to go around. Of course in theory you could do some kind of mild IVF aiming to only get one or two eggs but it would still be a lot to go through and expensive, to gamble on so few sperm.

perhaps one option is to use a mix of donor sperm and your husbands sperm, I think this is possible... that way you throw his 6 into the mix and he has a chance of it being him... but again, if they don't defrost you would have to be happy with the donor idea before going down that route.

anyway good luck, it is such a difficult thing to go through to wade through the infertility maze and find a way out.


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## mrsp74 (Oct 10, 2013)

goldbunny said:


> mrsp74... you didn't say whether you qualify or can get IVF on the NHS so I will assume you would need to pay privately given your age. I think there's a difference between 'what might, maybe, be physically possible' and 'what is sensible, from a medical and financial point of view'. It sounds obvious that you 'only need one sperm' but the physical cost to your body of going through IVF, the financial cost of the drugs for the cycle, the egg collection etc.. well it is a lot to go through in the hope that one of your 6 sperm turns out to be suitable. Let's assume you managed to get eggs, say you got 8 eggs, well at best you'd only be able to fertilize 6 of them. Now fertilisation rates are rarely 100%, it is much more likely you'd only get _at best_ 50%.. so, in our hypothetical situation, you pay £6000, you have the scans, take the injected drugs, turn up on the day of the egg collection... having gone through weeks of your hormones being all over the place.. and you have to hope you get 6 defrosted sperm. Best case, 6 sperm, worst case, no sperm, and if you haven't agreed to use donor sperm, I guess they just send you home. If they had 6 sperm, best case they were all useable, worst case, none useable... let's assume they are ok, let's assume they do egg collection, you get at least 6 eggs, you waste the eggs you got over 6 since there aren't enough sperm.. the clinic have to guess which 6 eggs to use.. you have them ICSIed, say 50% fertilise, you have three embryos... there is no guarantee they will divide or reach even day three, but let's assume one or two make it.. then you have to look at quality... they have to have not fragmented too much and have divided evenly, maybe you get one useable embryo... it's a big maybe at this stage! then you have to put it back in and hope, all your hopes resting on one embryo, that it takes.. and deal with the emotional fallout when it doesn't work (only about 26% of cycles succeed, most people need more than one go)
> 
> compare this to using donor sperm: they can use as many eggs as you can produce... they can use young, good quality sperm and pick the best ones from it... you could potentially get not just a good choice of embryos to put back but even perhaps get some to freeze for a sibling.. or at least a second go from a frostie..
> 
> ...


Thank you that makes so much sense as for age and nhs we have been told we will get 2 goes the age limit is 42

I will ask the doc about AMH/antral follicle count measured as I don't think I've had this done!

Thanks again x


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## star17 (Oct 31, 2012)

Mrsp, you might find that the nhs don't test for Amh levels and you have to pay to get it done.  As long as it doesn't affect funding, I would say that it is well worth it as it gives you an idea of what's going on with your eggs (which can help with timing and how quickly you need to move).

My DH also has sperm issues and I understand the potential for resentment.  I love my hubby very much and just can't imagine his face if he thought I resented him, it would break his heart.  I had a brief moment of feeling like that (of which I am not proud.....), but tried to work my way out of it ASAP before it affected anything as The relationship is so important to me.  There are two things that helped with this.  1). It could easily have been me with the problem (not anything he has done!) and how would he have been if the situation was reversed (amazing I am sure!) and 2) moving through the journey we have uncovered things that mean it is not quite as simple as it being his 'fault' as my increasing age is also not helping!

I hope the counselling helps and your relationship is brought closer together through this process.  Let him be your rock!

Good luck on your journey.


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Mrs p,

i do understand the feeling of resentment.  when my dh and i were.first diagnosed, he had male factor issues. low sperm count, low motility, morphology was poor and he had clumping issues. at the time , i was fine. when we came out of.the doctors, i just walked away from him. i was so devestated and i hurt him badly by walking away from him. i resented him for months, although, apart from the initial hurt i caused, i never said it to him. i held him all night that first night while he remained stiff upper lip and almost resigned to not ever being a dad.
i found the next few months terribly hard but i am very proud of the fact that no matter how fierce how arguements.were, i determinedly kept my mouth firmly shut and did not ever deal any low blows concerning his fertility. we decided to knuckle down and save all our money for icsi tx. thankfully i did work the first time. whenever he said its my fault you cant have a baby, find someone else, i always said its not your fault or anyone elses. he would then say its me.with the problems and the response was no, we are a couple, if you have a problem, then we both have a problem. i didnt believe that at first, but wanted to make him feel better. but, eventually, if you say it enough, you start to believe it and then it becomes the truth.
you have both had a. lot to deal with, cancer, death and fertility tests. i think resentment is just 1 of the normal reactions in fertility problems. the important thing is how you deal with it. i bit my lip a lot and always tried to halve the issue. ie whats yours is mine also. we are not a 'counselling couple', but if you both feel that is the way to go, do it 100%. my heart does.go out to.you and i do feel and understand your pain. what is important is how you deal with it.  hopefully support him whilst not ignoring your own feelings. please dont push them onto him though. i used to rant my resentment to my mother, never him. 100% supported him.
incidentally we now have all those male.factor issues and very low amh (low ovarian reserve) and im now a.recurrent miscarrier. 7 miscarriages so far all at 5.5 wks. so we now figure something is definitely wrong with me as well.  he has been 100% support, kindness. and gentle with.my feelings. i dont know if he resents me for making our journey even harder, he has never expressed this to me. i do undestand honey.
please, through this journey be kind to yourself and him.
you will achieve your dreams, even in alternative way. your doctor will guide you both in the right direction for you both.
i always think you only appreciate something, anything if youve had to work harder than everyone else or go that extra mile to achiee


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Sorry phone played up. i was sayin to achieve your dreams.
you will both get there.

keep loving each other, its all you can do

xxxxxx


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