# How do you move on



## michele paton (Sep 22, 2004)

Hi Girls

We got our second BFN on the 3/06/05 and we had made the decision that it would be our last try but I am finding it very hard to move on. I just don't seam to know how to deal with the feelings I have got to want a child and be a mother. I feel like all I do is think about it every minute of the day and it is really getting me down. I don't want to talk to my husband about it because I don't want to upset him and I don't think he could go through it all again. I just want to move on with my life but I don't know how to. We have got a follow up appointment on the 20/07/05 to find out what out next step is but I am not srue if going is a good idea. I know I sound like I am babbling on but I am so mixed up.
Someone please help.

Love

Michele


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Michele
sorry for your bfn   
The way you are feeling is totally normal most of us have faced these feelings at one time or another, if this is the last try for you then you have to give yourself time to grieve, but you do need to talk to your dh, you are in this together and you need each others views and support in order to move on.
good luck
Dydie xx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Michele

I'm so sorry you're in such turmoil and I know how you feel. It can occupy your every waking thought and it really, really does get you down.

I agree with Dydie that you're reaction is entirely normal - it's damned hard and you do have to have time to grieve for what might have been.

Have you considered counselling at all? You could always try your clinic or visit

http://www.bica.net/

I was talking to a colleague recently who I'd always (incorrectly) assumed was childless through choice and she said some days she found it all so hard to cope with she had to stay in doors because she knew she couldn't face the prams in the street - but she said it does get easier with time and I guess from my own experience I agree - impossible though it may sound.

As to the 20th - only you and your hubby can decide.

Focus on what's good about your life with your dh - I find it helps a lot to remind myself of just how good what I've got is - with or without kids.



Take care you yourself and each other.

flipper


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## jayneanthea (Feb 4, 2005)

Hi Michele

Just wanted to send you my heartfelt wishes as it is such a tough thing to have to face.  It is such early days for you though, and so although I am not convinced time has much to do with it, I think you just get used it by doing other things and trying to find other ways to fill the gap.  Not much use am I!!!!! 

On a lighter note, six of us girls (is that condescending or were we ladies?) got together in June in Oxford.  I think if you read through the comments, it was for me soooo good to chat to others in my position as nothing needed to be explained and we all knew how each other felt - does that make sense?!  We are going to do it again - so let me know roughly where you are and we can book somewhere within a reasonable distance.  The six of us came from as far as Plymouth, Telford/Midlands, Melksham, Somerset and Cardiff - and Oxford seemed central??    There is a workshop which was discussed quite a lot at lunch with Meredith (There is a separate thread for this)  and at least 4 of us are going to attend in London in November so although it seems a long way off, time has a habit of sneeking up on us and so this may be worth a thought.  From two girls who attended in Feb - it seemed to have worked wonderfully well and was a huge turning point for both of them.  Meredith has been through this and so this, I feel, qualifies her competence and sensitivity to the many issues infertility brings.  We are going without  DH's as it seems a good opportunity to explore our feelings, about the future without our own children, rather than the added responsibility and apprehension to say anything in front of our DH's - if that makes sense?!  I think the last time we emailed we are going to try to find a local hotel where we can all stay too.    I can understand too that you feel you don't want to face it head on like this but it's there if you are interested 

Anyway, sending you lots of love and light.  


Jayne
X


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

the link to that workshop is

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,31644.0.html

I thoroughly recommend it................

S.A.F.


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## michele paton (Sep 22, 2004)

I would like to say thanks to all of you for your support and replies. I actually do feel a lot better tonight. Some days are better than others. I would love to meet up with you but I live in Scotland so it might be a bit difficult. I would like to stay in touch with you all to see how you are getting on.

Love

Michele


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi michelle
I would also like to say that i am so sorry about your recent treatment. I also feel for you both because its so hard but there are girls on this thread that really do understand your heartache...
I think the girls have said it all. Its a matter of time as you are going through a grieiving process and things will only become clearer in your own time. I know we are all different but i also had an appointment to discuss about our future and to give us some closure. It was very surreal but it also helps you to close a chapter in your life, thats if you are both ready for that decision..As Dydie said it is important to chat to your husband because really he is the one that understands your pain and also you will help each other get through this somehow..Please do not shut him out now, i know you are hurting but you can share that pain and find away to start getting some of your life back...
Maybe look at the suggestions that the girls have posted, because there are ways of getting support that will help you move through this difficult time...The girls on here have been like a 'gift' and its been good to find friendship through these sad circumstances..
I can only say that you do not have to be alone you can share your feelings but start with your Dh, because believe me they are the ones that get you through this 'crappy' time.....
Goodluck and maybe we will meet up some time in the future...
lots of love astridxx


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## Kendra (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Girls,
Have been going though a few difficult days myself and having read your comments have just emailed to find out more about the Workshop! Hope some places are left!

I finally realise I personally need a big kick up the bum to 'move on' and hope that the Workshop will help that - crying alone at home certainly won't help and I've been doing a lot of that this weekend (and even this morning and its only just after 10am!) At our Oxford meeting we discussed the workshop and I thought to myself ' I'm not ready for that!' - I must say I'm still scared that I'll be in floods of tears throughout the whole thing...

Michelle - I can understand how you feel about wanting to protect your husband - that's why I've found FF so helpful - we've all been through similar experiences and can understand.  Oh er , I'm rambling and not being coherent - sorry ..

Love to all the girls on the thread!
Kendra


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Kendra,

"good on you....." - sending that Email for info is that first step ...... 

Don't worry about how much crying you do at the workshop ......... it is the sharing of experiences and emotions that is so therapeutic ....... together with the more positive uplifting moments .........

- Meredith creates a wonderfully safe caring and calming atmosphere  - based on years of experience of facilitating fertility groups - don't worry - you'll be fine .......

S.A.F.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi kendra
I am sorry that you have had awful weekend....it just gets to you at times when you least expect it....
With the support of S.A.F and encouragement i am going to Meredith's workshop...if you want to hook up there are a few of us going and it will be a great opportunity to share things with people who truly understand...
I thought to myself 'When is there a right time'?...its all very well when you feel low but as S.A.F as mentioned this workshop will give us the tools to deal with those moments....Also it will be great to chat with a bottle of wine during the weekend...
Michele would you be interested i hope you are feelin alittle better?
love astridxx


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## michele paton (Sep 22, 2004)

Hi Girls

I just wanted to say how much your kind words and support has helped me these last few days. I have opened up alot more to my Husband and as always he is wonderful. Kendra I hope you get alot from the workshop and it helps you move on, anything that helps is a God send. I was actually thinking of getting some counselling. What do you think?

Keep in touch
Love

Michele


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi michele
I am so glad that you are opening up and chatting to your husband. He sounds like a very good and wonderful person and thats half the battle..its good that you are not shutting one of the most important persons in your life, especially at this difficult time...
I saw a counsellor last year. I went back to my clinic and was put in touch with a counsellor that understands infertility and issues on being childless...I found that it really helped me to attempt one more last treatment and to deal with the after effects...for us of course that tx failed but i felt better equipped to deal with that dissapointment...Michele what have you got to lose it is a brave move, it does not agree with everyone but it can be very positive and help you to move forward..My dh also came in on a couple of sessions and it was good to hear things from his prospective. I think that brought us closer as we both had a chance to air our views without taking things personally...
All the best, its sounds as if you are already making positive steps to deal with everything.....
lots of love astridxx


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## Kendra (Jul 7, 2004)

Hello girls and thanks for all the kind words!

Michele - so glad to hear you are sharing things with your husband and yes, why not find a counsellor if you feel ready?
SAF - thanks for your encouragement - I'm actually looking forward to going to the Workshop now rather than dreading it (but I'll still take a pack of tissues!).
Astrid - it will be lovely to meet up with you and that bottle of wine beckons!

I'm off now to book my horticulture course for September, post the workshop reg form then get on with a bit of DIY round the house. This is me trying to keep myself busy and make small but positive steps in my life - something to stop me from succumbing to those sad feelings that sometimes creep up unexpectedly ...

November seems such a long way off - is anyone still thinking about a meet-up before then?
love
Kendra


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi girls
I would love to meet up beforehand (before the workshop). How do we go about it? where and what is a convenient date?
Maybe i will start a thread and see what interest its brings
So glad that you are joining us, this has lifted my spirits that there will be a group of us. I don;t feel so alone...
Thanks all for being there...
love astridxxx


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