# 6 failed ICSIs - enough is enough - but trying to remain positive?



## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hello all

today had my 6th bfn following our 6th icsi cycle.

tbh i really don't know how i feel.  Sad -of course, the feeling that i won't be a 'natural' mum is really hard, after our last cycle in Oct we had got into our heads that we would look into adoption and funnily enough, the info pack arrived on the day of our follow up consultation in Feb.

but then at the folow up was told we could have another go -nhs and could start straight away!  i was a bit shell shocked and me & hubby sat in the car and was chatting through the options and came to the conclusion - might as well go for this as we have nothing to lose.

but all through this cycle, i have felt as if i was going through the motions.  does that sound harsh?  with my previous cycles i have followed the rules to the T - no drinking / vitamins / rest / healthy foods etc etc, but this time i sort of thought 'bugger it' and just went with what felt right.

don't get me wrong - i didn't drink a bottle of wine a night -not even a glass (have had 2 glasses of wine in the last 6 weeks) but there were some day when i forgot to take the vitamins, forgot the cleaxne injection one night.  i think i kinda knew that this one wouldn't work.

but i know in my heart that i did all i could and i can honestly say we have tried our best to have our own child, but the fates have clearly other ideas for us.

have had my cry - i'm not a weeping sort of person, just now have to get on with our lives - we have spent our 30's in the fertility world and am determined not to spend our 40's the same way.

for me, telling my parents is one of the hardest parts of a failed cycle - they are so hopeful for us and neither side of parents have any grandchildren, but they are equally very supportive, i just find it one of the worst parts - telling others.

so where do we go from here (ooh haircut 100 song.....) will take some time  - - have the big 40 coming up in July - was dreading it, but now feel like i should be embracing it.

i'm not trying to sound like i will be celebrating tonight - but this is the end of our infertilty journey, and you know what - i don't think i would change a thing (apart from the outcome being slightly different.......)

thank you fellow ff'ers for reading.

sam xx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Hi Sam

So sorry to read about your BFNs   . I just wanted to wish you and your DH all the very best for the future.
DJ x


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Sam

Am really sorry your treatment didn't work for you .There is nothing i can say that will make you feel better but i would like to send you a massive  

I turned 40 this year and went away for the weekend with a few friends and it was fun and i forgot about things for a short while so have fun whatever you decide to do 

Good luck in whatever the future hold for you

Sam xx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

thank you so much sam & dcj

honestly this site is invalubale, the messages i have received have been 'priceless'.

in one way i wish so many of us didn't have to go through this journey, on the other hand - its good to know am not alone.

my mum n dad were fabulous, had a cry with mum but then she made me laugh and said  ''get a dog -far less hassle' !!

i know its going to be hard over the next few months / year, but i said to hubby last night ' i can't accept a childless future'' - so lets see what the future does hold for us.

thanks again for your kind words &   

sam xx


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## tarifa71 (May 20, 2010)

Hi Sammij,

I followed your online diary and was really hoping it would work out for you.  I got my BFN   the same day as you - this was my 3rd ICSI cycle , but 7th transfer.  DH and I knew this would be our last and I am glad we made that decision.  I was devestated by the BFN (although not very surprised), but in a weird way I am also relieved that it is finally all over and I will never need to endure another 2WW as long as I live.

I too couldn't get by without this site, it makes me feel less alienated (I have also met a couple of lovely FF's who live close by and we have struck up a lovely friendship). This is some journey we have been on, but it is time to move on and leave all this helplessness,  sadness and anger behind.

I turned 40 at the beginning of the year (just before treatment started again) and I had an absolute ball.  It was great to celebrate something good for a change and I had a wee party and I felt on top of the world for that whole weekend - you just make sure you celebrate and make your 40's the start of a new positive part of your life.  

We also bought a puppy in January and I cannot tell you how much he has helped .  The day i got my BFP I could hardly get out of bed, but had to go and take the wee man for a walk.  He just made me laugh charging around the park and I was so so glad we got him - he makes me smile and I just adore him...

We too are looking at the adoption route, have had the pack for over a year now and I feel positive when I think about it.  I know it is going to be tough (hello - IF anyone?), but if you are accepted at least you that there will be a child or children at the end.

Good luck to you and I am thinking of everyone else out there  making the tough decision to close the door on treatment.

xxx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Hi tarifa

just tried to send you a PM -but your inbox is full!

just wanted to say thank you for your reply today -means a lot.

had a real wobble last night as saw a friend who is 20 weeks pg, got home and felt so angry at everything.  but i know there will be times like that.

we too have thought of getting a puppy - no strike that - we are getting a puppy, we both love dogs and have talked about it for years, so no excuse really.

hate the thought of others being in this position, but also helps knowing we are not alone.

sam xx


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## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hi Samiji

Sending you huge    there are no words that can make it better honey but knowing that there are other women on this site that understand the emotions really helped me.  There are times when I feel engulfed by the sadness and dont want to talk to anyone but writing it all out here can help.

I agree with the others re your birthday a great excuse to be nice to yourself and have others do the same!

Seeing other people pg is and probably always will be hard going ...... it takes time I guess ..... be gentle with that beautiful heart of yours and allow others to nurture it too.  

lots of love n hugs 

Nic x


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

hi

im in that awful place too being exhausted physically , emotionally and financially with ivf but not wanting to give up yet. Ive been ttc 16yrs now and had 7 transfers as well, and have suffered m/cs as well as bfn's, its so devestating to see others get pg so easy and have babies at the drop of a hat when they plan them, i go through stages where it dosnt bother me to stages where im very bitter and angry. life sure is unfair.
rosebud


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