# Newbie thinking about being single mum



## sambashoes (Nov 19, 2011)

Hello all
I'm totally new to this website and although I'm yet to have any fertility tests I'm looking at the options available to single women.
I'm on a pretty decent income but being in London it never goes far and I'm trying to get out of debt after a few years of living in houseshares due to a less than sufficient charity salary. So now I have a better job in the private sector and a better income, but after years of struggling, I find myself at the age of 39, not in a position to pay for private treatment/ DI. 

I recently talked to my GP about fertility tests available on NHS but I can only get very general blood tests done apparently. Also, the test needs to be taken on the first day of my period at a hospital about  5 miles away at 7.30am - and that first day needs to fall on particular week days only!! Seeing how I'm already coming up against such obstacles, I'm already dreading going down this road alone. 

I'd love to be a mother but I'm also being totally realistic in terms of what is open to me. A single friend of mine is now thousands of pounds in debt following three rounds of IVF without success very sadly. I have no idea if I'd need treatment, but I really don't want to put myself (and possibly my child) in such a risky financial position deliberately. Also, I'm private rental tenant with no other investments. I know money doesn't necessarily make for a happy family but it certainly helps!

What advice is out there for women who simply can't afford private treatment? find my own donor and get a legally binding contract sorted? Buy commercially available fertility test kits? Are they reliable?

Thanks very much


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Sambashoes,

There are a couple of co-parenting websites out there that I'm sure people on here have used.  Check the threads for co-parenting.  It's a bit like internet dating without any shagging, although there isn't that much shagging on internet dating sometimes (phew).    A lot of singlies go abroad for treatment mainly because of the costly pregnancy slot here in the UK, 1k for donor   on top of any actual drugs or action.  You could have an IUI which is basically insemination, always makes me think of that programme on cow mating I watched while I was doing my exams at school.  Riveting, sure I can still quote from it rather than the physics paper I failed.  If your just on clomid it's not that expensive.  A few quid.  This route is riddled with financial insecurity what with treatment costs and economic climate.  It's the same with everything, think about what it will cost and 'it' never gets done.  For myself I'm trying not to think too far ahead, so difficult, but it just becomes a mountain to climb then, which I'm sure you are feeling.  It's worth getting your fsh and your 21 day progesterone done and it is free through the GP.  All I can say is, do what you can and pace yourself.  One step at a time 

 Diesy


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## blueytoo (Oct 5, 2003)

The blood tests can be done on cycle days 1-5, ideally days 2-4 are best but any within that range is fine. So you should be able to get to your local hospital on one of the days they are open. 

Can't really advise on the money stuff as I never used credit cards or loans for any of my tx, I just save up for each cycle, even now when I am a student so not earning! I had most of my tx in London but have been to the Czech Republic for the last three cycles as it's a bit cheaper. Although I have to say with their prices going up, the exchange rate going down and the price of flights and hotels going up, the gap between UK and prices abroad is definitely a lot smaller than it used to be. The cost rise since last year has been a lot.

Good luck!


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Welcome Sambashoes its not and easy decsion and of course its not just the paying for the treatment that is the issue bringing up a child and paying for child care is not cheap but if this is really important for you I am sure you will find a way.

It certainly a rollercoaster with no garanteed outcome- you will find plenty of hurdles along the way but somehow you do just find the reserves within yourself to cope if that is what you want. Its definitely made me a stronger person.

If you have no reason to think you may have fertility issues IUI is not such an expensive option ( i went abroad because of cost) maybe you need to look at in stages- theres no reason to commit to going on to more expensive tx if iui does not work.

i wouldnt spend money on fertility tests when you can get basic ones on NHS- the only one you wont get is amh and plenty of people start tx without it. Known donors are a possibility but you really have to be sure you are happy with all that entails. There are legal contracts but i believe but may be wrong- check out the ask the laywer thread that they are never 100% legally binding if something ends up in family court.

Dont forget you can also get sexual health screening tests done for free at GUM clinics although if clinic demands proof you need to pay admin charge to get letter from them.

there is a thread on the single parenting side that talks about money issues- mostly about after tx but plenty of food for thought about trying to save money http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=265175.0


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Why do you think you need fertility tests? Because of your age?

They are invasive and a waste of time, unless you've been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for years. Instead of worrying there may be something wrong with you, which is clearly stressing you out, why not invest in some ovulation tests, read some books about how to get to know your body better, optimise your physical health ('Fit for Fertility' and 'Getting Pregnant Faste'r are some good books to try, you can get them from a library if you don't want to spend the money) and go for it with a gay co-parent or sperm donor you trust (see above on how to meet likely candidates).

Good luck! xx


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi and Welcome!

I went to my GP for basic fertility tests and saved up for a fertility MOT.  Knowing how long I had was integral in me deciding to go it alone. 

I went the co-parenting route initially but it was, for me, frought with emotional difficulty.  
I settled on a known donor and treatment abroad.  I think I spent about £500 altogether (plus  ) and got pregnant on the first cycle of Donor Stimulated(clomid) IUI. 

I will say I underestimated the fact that getting pregnant was actually for me the cheaper bit.  For some it is not and I know how fortunate I was.  Kitting out the nursery and baby, childcare and having to go down to 4 days a week to spend time with the baby are, over the long term, very expensive.  

I think it's a good idea to consider not only pregnancy but the long term proposition of being a mother. 

I may not be popular in saying this but saving up for treatment is a really good idea, shows that you have commitment and are willing to do anything to make it work.  I am grateful I did it.

Dawn


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hello.   

Just my own tuppence worth on the value or otherwise of fertility tests, given my own experience.  I think it wise to get whatever you can get through your GP, and consider getting your AMH done as well (albeit at a cost).  Very few single women who start trying to conceive on their own figure they might have fertility issues - generally they think their only "technical" problem is a lack of sperm.  There are all too many women who go on to find - only after spending lots of hard earned (or borrowed) cash over a long period of time, that there might be something else going wrong rather than ascribing their negative results to bad luck.  Had I simply had my AMH tested alongside my FSH before turning from IUI to IVF - and even before I started IUI again after having my son (aged 3 - I could have saved myself many thousands of pounds and a few years of heartache.  AMH is not a stand alone indicator by any measure, and there are lots of examples of women with a low ovarian reserve (which indicates that they may respond sluggishly or not at all to fertility drugs) going on to have own egg babies on FF, but there are many, many more that simply don't have the money to throw at multiple IVF treatments.  At least if you have the results from such blood tests and a scan, you have some information on which to decide whether or not to go forward at all, whether through home insems or a clinic.  It is brutally hard to walk away from treatment when you get on the roller coaster - much easier to walk away from the ride if you read the small print on the entry ticket outlining the risks.  Best of luck in your decision making...I used first savings and then debt to have my family, but frankly I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be in the situation that I am now in - despite an outright hatred of roller coasters!   

A-Mx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi

I agree with Indekiwi that it is worth hving all the tests.  As fertility declines rapidly after age 35, then at 39 there may will be some issues that you are better off being aware of.  I assumed at 41 that I wouldn't have too much trouble because I had 2 cousins who had conceived naturally at age 44 and knew lots of other women who had conceived in their 40s (family and friends).  How wrong I was    and I found it very difficult to "hear" anyone suggest that I might not be successful with my own eggs.   

I used savings and then credit cards and am still paying off one credit card bill (moving the debt every 18 months to a new 0% interest deal!).  Perhaps if I had been younger (and I'm talking early to mid-thirties) I would have waited until the financial climate was better, but at the end of the day I believe that no-one can ever "afford" to have children    
I am happier now than I have ever been, if a little exhausted   

Good luck with your decision   
GIA Tooxx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi there

I agree that you should try get as many free tests out of the NHS you can.  I was lucky in the fact I had all my investigation tests done under BUPA through my heath insurance (only the initial investigations mind you).  

I had to tell a few white lies to my GP about the amount of time I was trying to get referred faster and I had a DP to take with me at the time (we have since split up partly due to the stress of the IVF rollercoaster) as he would only refer a couple!.  I wasted 6 months taking clomid and Letrozole before I went to Bcn in Spain and straight to donor egg.  At 38 hun, you need to move fast and get the preliminary tests out of the way.  You also need to be really pushy with the system and read up on what bloods you need and make it clear to your GP you are serious about wanting to be referred to a consultant.  The one I had via BUPA is now my NHS consultant as I told my GP how my private health care was exhausted and I could afford to see him at £250 and hour..

Defo go on ebay and the internet and spend £70 on a clear blue fertility monitor (they are cheaper on-line) to make sure your ovulating plus bloods will tell you this.

So far I have had two failed fresh DIVF cycles and I am due to go back for FET in December.  It has cost me 5k to date not including flights and hotels with £1600 for my FET TX but I paid for it out of savings and the rest I am doing on a credit card bank transfer with 22 months 0% as I have some shares I can cash in, in 2 years.  Another reason maybe not to think about it too long is you may be young enough to scrap in for NHS funding depending on your age and the postcode lottery.  Or look at going abroad for treatment my clinic in Barcelona is new and lots of success stories there. They welcome single women and can provide donor sperm and the med costs are included in the tx.

Wishing you every success, my biggest regret is not trying earlier and using my own embies, so don't waste any time.  You could sit for years plucking up the courage to go it alone and worrying about how you are going to pay for childcare, but the way I see it you will get more pleasure out of your baby than sitting at the office.  I have that worry and if the worst comes to the worse I am moving out of London and relocating to a cheaper area if I have to.

Passenger xxx


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