# Insensitive hospital care during miscarriage



## Uber Barrens Club (Jun 6, 2015)

May I join?

Last week we found out that I'd had a MMC. We had seen a beautiful heartbeat at 7+1 and 8+5, but at our 10w scan the baby only measured 9+3 with no fetal heartbeat.

I had an ERPC the same day - privately as BUPA cover miscarriages. But the catalogue of errors and insensitive comments was pretty spectacular

As it was an urgent admission, there were no beds on the floor where gynae admissions normally go, and the nurses didn't know what an ERPC was

They thought I was in for an ERCP (a routine endoscopic procedure to look at the pancreas) and not an ERPC (evacuation of remaining products of conception)

There are only so many times you can explain you are here to have your dead baby surgically removed from your body before you want to stab someone.

And though they mean well, the recovery nurse, as you come round from general anaesthetic, and sees you crying because you've remembered why you're in hospital, and that you were pregnant this morning, and now you're not, then pats you on the shoulder and tells you 'everything happens for a reason'

What reason is that then? Cos right now, as I'm bleeding from having my dead baby scraped out of me, I don't really give a monkey's about the reason

Then the other nurse tells me I have an angel now.

I KNOW they mean well and don't know what to say. But just no. Don't say anything. It is not helpful to tell me I have an angel now. I was happier when I had a baby thank you very much.


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## Uber Barrens Club (Jun 6, 2015)

Oh and it gets better 

Instead of just sending us the cover letter summarising that they've got the right tissue to do the genetic testing and I don't have gestational trophoblastic disease, last weekend we got sent the full histology report 

Which is exactly what you think it is. A full autopsy report of the 'products of conception'

With words like 'Partially necrotic decidua' and 'Multiple fragments of pale brown tissue'

Why did they think we needed to see this?

Yes it's our right. But how about 'a full copy of the report is available but please be aware you may find it distressing'.

Not just 'here's an autopsy report of your dead baby through the letter box'


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Bananafish, few things make me crazier than the "everything happens for a reason" people. Really? REALLY? Would you say that to someone who'd been mutilated and subjected to gross sexual violence in South Sudan? Would you say that to someone whose children were just blown up in a terrorist attack? Would you say that to someone who just found out their cancer that they thought was in remission had metastasised to their brain? No? Then why, oh WHY, would you say it to someone who just lost the baby they'd been working for and dreaming of for years? GAAAHHHHH.   So much frustration.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss, sweetie.


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## Uber Barrens Club (Jun 6, 2015)

Thanks so much *CrazyHorse*

Although I'd want to punch someone who said 'At least you know you can pregnant' to me, it is actually true in some respects

We didn't know if with my FSH and AMH we'd get any eggs
We didn't know if with my FSH we'd have egg quality issues and whether we'd get any embryos 
We didn't know if my lining would thicken up enough to enable us to proceed to transfer
We didn't know if my lining would enable anything to implant or propagate a pregnancy

We got eggs, we made embryos, we got my lining to thicken up, and I did get pregnant. I just didn't stay pregnant

The results of the tissue testing will hopefully give us some indication whether it was the seed or the soil, and we will definitely approach the next cycle with a 'throw the kitchen sink belt and braces' approach (ie. hysteroscopy, empirical immunes tx, ideally PGS-tested embryos)

So I do try and take comfort that we got a hell of a lot further than we ever thought we would get

But then of course it is so very cruel to think you might be getting your every dream and wish come true, and to have it all taken away from you 

Just have to dust ourselves off and get back in the saddle as soon as we're allowed to go again


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## Anuh (Jul 2, 2015)

Bananafish so sorry for the insensitivity from the nurses... I am sick of everything happens for a reason and everything will happen at the right time.. And why would they send you such a detailed report.   

Give ur self time to heal mind and body... Best of luck for the future.. 

I think the silver lining is at least you got pregnant what many told me coz i had four failed ivfs...and unprotected sex for over 10 years... 

I also had a mc in december but i was lucky my hospital and staff was actually very nice and even the report was not like that.. We decided to go private coz nhs kept wanting to rescan me even though we had a detailed report of our 14.5 week scan and we couldnt bare to see the baby like thar again.


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## Uber Barrens Club (Jun 6, 2015)

Thanks ladies

My lovely consultant who'd treated me all throughout both IVF cycles, and who did the 7 week scan where we saw the heartbeat, got me in as an urgent admission to do the ERPC. He was absolutely bereft and said it was the saddest part of his job. He stayed late to do my op, and got his anaesthetist in specially for the procedure, which I appreciated. He shared that his wife had had an ERPC when they had a miscarriage, which I was really touched he shared, as he wasn't just showing sympathy as a kindly Dr, but could be truly empathetic having been on the other side of the fence.

He was absolutely horrified when I told him about the catalogue of errors with nursing staff not knowing what procedure I was in for, he spoke to the Director of Nursing who sent her sincerest apologies and will make sure all her staff are made aware of the nature of the procedure.

I also wrote a polite but suitably angry email to his secretary, with some suggestions of how they could provide couples with some warning about the histology report, rather than ambushing them with horribly gruesome detail. We said we weren't prepared for this level of detail, and if they had sent it in a separate envelope, with the covering letter advising that the contents may be distressing, we may not have chosen to read it.

He was exceptionally apologetic and thanked us for our feedback and said he took all the comments on board and will make sure this doesn't happen to any other patients going forward.

I think it was more an admin foul up than anything from him, but he needed to know that his secretary was sending out the reports like this, and so at least now hopefully this shouldn't happen again to anyone else

*eksf* it's not for everyone, but I have been really open about having tx - I've not actually had any comments about 'when are you having kids' but I've felt that as the treatment is such a big part of my life, I didn't want the stress of trying to keep it secret, and actually I welcome the support of friends and family when going through such a stressful time. I don't think infertility is anything to be ashamed of, and in fact by being open, I have since discovered how very many of my friends have been through years of infertility and miscarriage themselves.

It is a club you don't ever want anyone to be a member of, but it really does make the world of difference when you can share your experiences with other members of the same club.

It meant I was also able to be open about the miscarriage. I cannot imagine trying to carry the burden of this silent grief, and the support from friends and family alike has been overwhelming


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