# Can anyone help



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hi everyone,
I'm currently waiting to start my first cycle of IVF (i'm having PGD) and wondered if anyone could help..
Has anyone on here had IVF without their partner/husband being with them 
My situation is that my Hubby is in the Army and is now being deployed to Afghanistan when my treatment is due to start..  we don't want to delay treatment to when he's home (Dec 2011) as we've been waiting 18 months now and we can't stop him going away.
Unfortunately the hospital involved isn't willing to treat me without my husband being there and won't give me a reason why.
So I just wondered if anyone has gone through IVF on their own.
Obviously I don't really want to have to go through it on my own, but i've had to do alot of things on my own due to my husband's job so i'm kind of used to it.

Thanks in advance xxx


----------



## Hopeful J (May 7, 2008)

Hi Hun 

Have you had any answers on this yet? 

Am pretty shocked as there are plenty of single ladies who go through ivf alone, have you spoken to another clinic perhaps? 


Other then collecting his 'sample' i cant see why else they wouldnt do it for you   

All the best 

xxxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya,
thanks for replying..
No i've not had any answers.
The hospital are still unwilling to treat me on my own and won't even allow a close relative or friend to be with me !!!!
We've also been in touch with our welfare officer to see if there's anything the army can do..  so far though we're just hitting dead ends.
Will keep you updated 

xxx


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Madmaxgirl 


I am pretty sure its to do with the consent, hence why its totally different from a woman having treatment by herself with say a donor sperm.  There are certain points while having treatment that the man has to sign forms in front of the consultant/nurse.  I always used to phone and say "does my dh have to attend" and on i think about 3/4 times they said yes.  Also some clinics and i guess some consultants like the lady to be accompanies to safeguard them when doing inter mate examinations/scans.  


I would try to identify why? If its solely to safeguard them, you can easily get around this by taking a friend.  There is a thread on here for military wife's i would go on there and ask!


More importantly i would go on the HFEA website and try and find out what their guild lines are, this can not be the first time that this has been encounter.  I think that the clinic have a responsibility to at least tell you why and that's what the HFEA will firstly look at.  


I don't think it will have any barings if your nhs funded or not?  But that's another possibility, you could call other clinics and see what they say as there is no reason why you have to stay with this one. x


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Madmax Girl,

Awww hun!  I totally understand what you are going through at the moment and how bloody annoying it is to get an answer from the Family Welfare Officer!!  Have you been to see them yourself? The only reason I ask is that I find they tend to respond better to the wife! [I was married to a soldier in my first marriage but my sister has gone through IVF with her Army husband and he managed to get out of doing a tour of Iraq!] If it is imposible for your clinic to allow you to do your cycle alone then firstly I would get your consultant to write a letter explaining why it is recommended that your husband stays with you whilst doing a IVF cycle. You will find that Family officer probably does not understand or are not fully aware of the processes involved in IVF [infact most people don't!!!] so this will help them understand and also lay it on thick on how long you have waited for this to happen, how important it is and how much on a physical and emotional strain it is. Also explain about the schedule on how long it will take e.g 6-10 weeks and when this is over he can join the rest of the guys in Afghanistan!

The other possibility is the clinic...

My clinic only needed DH for Sperm analysis, Consent appointment (where you sign all the consent forms) and will be needed for EC day (for his little soldiers!  ) Clinics should allow for their patients lifestyle, alots of husbands do work away so they have to accomodate this. The other appointments are for you i.e blood tests and scans so your DH is not needed to attend! When scnas are done, there is always a second person there such as a second nurse etc so you don't need your husband there (unless you want the support!) You could ask the clinic for you to sign the forms before your DH goes to Afghanistan and maybe look at getting his sperm frozen for a ICSI procedure (might need to find out whether you need to pay for this if you are currently doing a NHS cycle tho) there are ways around things hun, many single ladies do this on their own so I can't see why you couldn't.

There are things that can be done! Firstly, If I was you i'd try the family officer and commanding officer route and try and get your man to stay at home!!! Go yourself and make an appointment to see them... also.... i find tears works really well!!! 

Oh huni, I hope it all works out for you  let us know how you get on!!

Bunny xxx


----------



## Hopeful J (May 7, 2008)

Oooh crikey i forgot about the consent forms    woops 


As the girls said, they only needed DP for 3/4 appts for consent and swimmers - the rest of the time i just popped to my clinic during work hours if i needed a scan/bloods or whatever as personally i found it   

Wishing you lots of luck and babydust, this journey is tiresome enough without more spanners in the works   

x


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya everyone,
thanks for all your replies..

unfortunately we can't go to the welfare officer as he's totally against us having this type of IVF (PGD)..  his exact words were that if I had the PGD then it would be the end of my Husband's career !!!!!
We've spoken to AWS (Army Welfare Service), SSAFA and AFS and finally had an answer...  
we have to go and see the OC and speak to him.
We've been told that there is no reason why my Husband can't deploy earlier/later so that he's here for the PGD.
I'll keep you updated on our progress and let you know what happens.

Thanks for all your advice..  I really appreciate it 
xxxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

OMG!!! I'm seething!!! how dare someone stand in judgement and threaten someones livelyhood because it's against his own principles!  He obviously doesn't understand the process and reasoning behind it. I bet once it is explained to the OC they'll be more sympathetic about it. [As you can tell, It winds me up all the Army redtape!!  ] I'm glad you're going to see the OC hun, you will be able to explain it better. Good luck with everything...let us know how you get on sending lots of          hun! 

Right...off to get myself a strong cup of coffee and a chocolate muffin to calm down!!!  

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hi Bunny,
Lol..  I was seething too (still am to be honest).
I can't understand it..  I mean if I was to get pregnant naturally then no-one would be saying it was the end of my hubby's career..  so why is it different because I need PGD ?
I know that some people are against it but it's not something i've agreed to do without thinking about what it means.
I'm guessing your Hubby is armed forces then ?
Arrgh i'm begining to feel like it's me thats in the army as they dictate everything that I do these days..  lol.
Did you enjoy your coffee and muffin ?
I had to go and eat a few gingerbread men after thinking about all this again hehehe 
xxxxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Hi Madmax Girl,

I've had me cuppa so fine now!! 

I 'used' to be a Army wife in my 1st marriage so I know what it's like but my two sisters married squaddies too and they are both coming up to their 22 year service so have had more to *endure* than me!!! 

I was thinking about it [whilst having my brew] and i'm sure the FWO's response is more to do with your hubby not going out to Afghanistan than the treatment. He probably is trying to put the guilt trip on your DH saying that if he doesn't go he'll let the unit down and it would be detrimental do his future career blah-de-blah! Which by the way is a load of bull!!! When my sister was going through IVF, My BIL ended up not doing a tour in Iraq due to IVF. He was a sergeant then and is now a sergeant major!!!

Just had a  ...... Do you know the Commanding Officers wife? I remember when I first got married and she came round the house [I never went to coffee mornings etc...so i think that was the last time I saw her!  ] anyway she said to me that a CO's wifes role is to make sure all the wives are OK and if there was a problem you could call her and she would arrange a chat etc. She usually is influental in bending her husbands ear if you know what I mean!! as they say, behind every great man, is a woman!!!... do you think that might be worth a go? 

If not you could always threaten going to the press...i'm sure they'd love a story like that!!!

I'll see if I can get some tips from my BIL and sister and see what they did. Keeping everything crossed for you huni bun!  Enjoy those gingerbread men!...yummy!!! 

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya,
Hubby has just come home with some kind of ok news...
Its his Corps Day on Thursday so he's attending it and his CO will be there then and he's going to bring the subject up there and see what happens..  also, it turns out that his CO is a female and has children, so hopefully she'll be on our side.
Hahahaha we have talked about going to the press with this..  and it's something i'll do if I don't get a reasonable reason as to why I can't have my PGD.
Its not like i'm trying to stop my Hubby going away..  he's spent more time away than he has with me and i'm used to him going away at short notice.  He's offered to go earlier/later just so he can be with me for the treatment.
The hospital have now said they want him there for support reasons.. which is fair enough and also as we'd be traveling a long way (North West to London).
Will just have to see whats said on Thursday now.
Thanks for the replies xxxx
ps: also been told today that the WO is a complete w****r !!!!  Turns out he's being a very naughty boy and he's using work cars for social use !!!!  Our neighbour is reporting him hahahahahaha


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Oooo that's sounds good that the CO is a woman with kids!!! It must of been hard for her being in the Army and having kids and trying to have a career in the Armed Forces...i know the Army can be a very sexist organisation when it comes to motherhood!   

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, I think it just may be the ticket!   

I'd have gone to the press too! Hence probably why I was never invited to the coffee mornings!!! Too outspoken!!    

good luck huni...keep me posted won't you!   

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hahahahaha thats probably why I never get invited to coffee mornings too..  oh well hehehehe.
If we get no-where with the CO then we'll be going back to AWS, they have said they can ask for a compassionate posting to a unit thats non-deployable.  Will be sad if it comes to that as my Hubby likes his job here and believe it or not, wants to go to Afghanistan (he must be mad lol).  I don't think it's right that he's having to pick between being a soldier and being a father, so i'll go to the papers..  bet that won't get me invited to any coffee mornings, mess do's !!!!!  lol

Will keep you updated.
XXX


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya Bunny,
just a quick update...  CO didn't show up to the Corps Day, so now we have to write a letter to the CO asking for an interview !!!!
xxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Hi hun,  Well that's bloomin' typical!!   It might be better to have a face to face meeting rather than a informal chat when other people are around.  Let me know how you get on won't you   I can't see why he couldn't stay on camp as loads of people tend to stay behind to look after the camp...ok it will be a bit boring but it's not forever only a few weeks. He might not have to change his job entirely!

I hope you get a positive outcome huni, it must be so stressful for you both at the moment, the last thing you need is for the Army to be awkward!   

Good luck chick!

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya Bunny, hope your ok..  thought i'd let you know the latest..  you'll love this !!!
Hubby was told last Tue that he was no longer going to Afghan, so we all went YAY !!!!!
Then on Thursday he was told he's going to Afghan !!!!!  His boss has told him NOT to send the letter to the CO as apparantly she'd already been informed what was going on a few weeks ago before she made her decision..  been back on to AWS and they are going to speak to my Hubby's work tomorrow and try to sort something out.
I'm sick to death of it all now..  just found out that my little boy (he has NF1) may have another tumor in his brain or on his optic nerve so I can't tell you how stressed I am right now.
Will let you know what happens.

Emma xx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Oh Emma, This must be driving you bonkers! I would still send in the letter, it won't do any harm not to send it in.  Anyways... how do you know it's the truth?! Unless you hear from the horses mouth, how do you know whether it's a load of bull?!! I hope the AWS comes up trumps for you tomorrow hun   

Sorry to hear about your son being poorly hun   you must be so worried about him   you certainly don't need this poo as well! I hope you get the answers you need so that you and your DH can concentrate on your sons health and also IVF! Good luck chick! xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hi Bunny, got an update for you..

AWS have just rung us..  they have told us not to send the letter in to the CO.
They have spoken to my Hubby's unit and been told that they have no problem with Hubby going earlier, later or not at all, it's the Battalion thats buggering things up..  so AWS have requested a welfare statement (I think thats what its called anyway).
Just waiting now to find out when AWS are coming here to see us about it.
They also said that if I wanted someone to blame I should blame Bin Laden !!!!!!!!  
In the meantime i'm going to speak to Guys and see if there's any way I can be treated on my own (my parents have said they'll come with me) and then concentrate on my little one..  just got a date for his emergancy mri scan, 11th August.
Will keep you updated xxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

It does sounds a little bit more positive than before. Good luck with everything especially for the MRI scan for your little boy!   

Take care hun and let me know how things go!

Bunny xx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hi Bunny,
the latests from AWS is this (you might want to eat a choccy muffin before and afer you read this)...
If I want to blame someone for not being able to be treated, I should blame Bin Laden !!!!!!
Can you believe that ??
Not sure what to do or who to go to now..  the CO has been informed and we've taken the advice from AWS and AFF.
I feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall.
All I can hope for now is that the hospital agree to treat me on my own..  although thats not looking promising !!!! 

Thanks for listening..  will keep you updated (if there's anymore updates)  xxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

WTF!!!!   OMG... the verbal diarrhoea that comes from their mouths never fails to amaze me!   I think it's disgusting that the CO won't allow you to write to her or to have an appointment to talk about it.  Huni, I'm so sorry they are digging in their heels, they're making out that your DH is the key to defeat the bloomin' war!!!!   

OK lets look at the options here...

Hospital... When is your DH due to go to Afghanistan hun?  Will the hospital bring the treatment forward and let you do treatment before the tour starts (if there is time?)  You both could make an emergency appointment to see your consultant with all the correspondance from the Army and explain what support system you could have as an alternative. (don't forget some people do this on their own! I don't see why PGD is any different, other than having extra genetic stresses)  

The only other option is to delay treatment until your DH returns from Afghanistan.  Would you consider waiting a bit until he comes back after tour? It's already stressing you out and you also have the stress of your sons health.  Maybe you need to concentrate on your son for awhile then when things aren't so stressful and your hubby is back you can concentrate on doing treatment stress free.  Being less stressed makes a huge amount of difference on the outcome of treatment.

Army... Not too sure what to do that you've not already done.  You could try to write to your MP and maybe try the government route? I'm a bit shocked about the Bin laden comment to be honest.  I hope you got that in writing because that would be a good 'un to send to the media!!! 

I hope something gets sorted huni, you don't need this extra stress.  Sendin you lots of        and plenty of      to you and DH!  You are right...I need two or three double choccie chip muffins afte reading this!!!   

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Lol..  I knew you'd need some choccie muffins !!!  
I've got a big double choc chip muffin waiting for me that i'm going to have once i've posted this.
I think the CO's behavious is disgusting..  I really thought that as the CO was female i'd get some understanding, but nope.
As for AWS, telling me to blame Bin Laden, well in an ideal world i'd love to punch his lights out and blame him but let's be realistic, it's never gonna happen is it..  might as well blame Saddam Hussein, George Bush and Tony Blair while i'm at it lol.
Hubby's boss (who is 5-6 yrs younger than me and single) has said that I need to understand my Hubby's job is a specialised job (seriously, I didn't already know that) and that I need to understand army life !!!!  I've been an army wife for longer than he's been in the bloody army !!!!  Anyway, i'm NOT going to take this lying down and WILL keep plodding on..  i'm not letting the Army stop me.

Right..  Hubby goes to Afghan at the start of April which is when i'm due to start PGD.
Have spoken to the PGD team several times and they are aware of whats going on. They have said there is no way they will treat me without my Hubby there..  will keep on at them though. Don't really want to go through PGD on my own but if it's my only option then i've got plenty of family members that can come with me. 
Otherwise I guess i'll just have to postpone the PGD until Hubby comes home Oct time..  didn't really want to do that as we've already been waiting 2 yrs to get where we are now.
As for the Army and AWS..  well i'm going to keep on at them, someone suggested getting the Padre involved..  not sure what he could do but maybe it would help, besides, he might be able to calm me down lol.
I'm also going to try and get the Bin Laden comment in writing then i'm off to the papers..  oh yes, must write to the MP too.
Still waiting to hear back from AWS..  they have asked for a welfare statement and a welfare officer to come and speak to us. 
Hopefully we'll hear something next week..  will keep you posted.
Hope you enjoyed your muffins..  i'm gonna go and eat one now and try to calm down lol, no wonder i'm not weight !!! 
Thanks !!!!  xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya Bunny..  hope your ok.
Got an update for you..  you might need muffins and a double vodka for this one.
Just spoken to AWS again, they had sent forms to Hubby's unit to sign so that a welfare case can be set up.
They had asked me to contact the PGD team and the NFA to get info for them which i've done so that I can give them as much info on PGD and my sons/hubby's condition..  it's been a few weeks and i'd not heard anymore so I rang them.
Turns out my Hubby's unit (well the officer in charge) is refusing to sign the papers..  he told my Hubby he wouldnt do it as the CO was already aware of what was going on so making a welfare case wouldn't change anything.
Can you believe it ?  very unsure what to do now..  AWS has told me to contact a solicitor and perhaps think about taking the Army to court !!!!!!
My head is just soooo confused.. got so much going on, just found out my son may have tumours behind his eyes and may be losing his sight..  can't be doing with all this stress.
I think i'm going to end up at the Drs and getting some antidepressants..
Thanks for all your help, I appreciate it.
Will let you know if I get anywhere lol
Emma xx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Oh Emma huni, If it doesn't rain it poors!   this must be driving you to distraction and I honestly feel like I want to knock some sense into them!   I just think it's strange that the CO won't speak to you or to your husband and all that seems to be stopping you doing that is the officer in charge, he seems to be the gatekeeper here!   

I really don't know what to suggest as it seems that they are digging their heels in and i honestly don't know why they are doing this   You have an awful lot on your plate at the moment with your son being so poorly   I know this is not want you want but I think you need to concentrate on your little boy and look after yourself   Maybe going through treatment now won't do you any good as you need to be fit and healthy in both body and mind to go through the stresses of it all.  Let me know how you are doing huni and if you need someone to talk to let me know   

Lots of love and big hugs to you 

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Hiya, thanks for replying..  there's been an update since I last posted.
Things aren't brilliant with my little boy at the moment and I do think that he has to come first and i've made this quite clear to the Army and AWS.
I actually went and spoke to the 2IC (who is also the WO) and the Lieutenant yesterday..  I didn't really want to go as I was feeling very upset but I thought that it was important that they hear my side of things, not just my husbands point of view.
To be honest, I don't think it did any good as all they did was remind me that I am married to the army and that the armys needs come first..  they did however say that they weren't aware of all our son's problems but I set them straight there and they can understand why I am now at braking point.  They said that they are not going to stop hubby from going to Afghan this time unless Guys can give me a definate date for treatment (which they won't). But, they also pointed out that if they did stop hubby from going to Afghan and I didn't get treated, then the next time he's called up he would have to go..  even if thats when I was starting PGD.  So they think its better he goes now and gets it out of the way, which I have to admit, I agree with..  its just a shame they weren't upfront with us months ago and told us the reasons why they wouldnt delay hubby going away, we could of understood things then.
Anyway, didn't leave the meeting very happy as alot of blame seemed to be put on me unfairly..  apparantly I should understand that I have to sacrifice my dreams, even if my dream is having a child.  Seems very unfair but I can't argue my point anymore with people that don't understand and don't live my life. I think it's a case of having to pick which battles I can fight and win..  at this moment in time I have 3 and I can't fight all 3, so i've picked the most important one to me, which is my son's on going health and educational problems and i'm going to fight that one with everything i've got..  in the meantime i'm not going to let my PGD go, i'll just hope and pray that I get treated before my hubby goes away.
The funny thing is, I mentioned yesterday to the 2IC about how the children on my street aren't allowed to play with my son (i've heard the other mums tell their children that they can catch my son's tumour)..  2 of the children have just knocked on my door and asked if my son can go and play at their house !!!  So I think somethings been said but maybe thats a good thing.
Anyway, just wanted to update you..  like I said, i'm not being defeated and I won't give up my dream, but i'm picking which battles I can fight and win and sadly at this moment, this isn't a battle I can win at this time.
Thank you ever so much for listening and helping..  I really do appreciate all the help you've given me.
I'm pretty sure it's not over yet and there will be plenty more updates lol.
Love and hugs xxxxx
ps: hope things are going well for you xxxx


----------



## Bunny-kins (Oct 3, 2008)

Emma, All I want to do is give you a big hug... So sending you a virtual one instead   At least you got to speak to someone at last, why they couldn't do this in the first place is beyond me!    I think you are right, you should concentrate on your son at the moment and deal with treatment when things get better.  You have to be strong for your little boy and you have to take good care of yourself too. I really, really   that your little boy gets better huni and that everything will all fit into place finally for you.   

I'm always here if you need to chat Emma

Lots of love and massive big hugs

Bunny xxx


----------



## madmaxgirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Thanks for the hug..    think I need some vodka and chocolate too hehehe.
I'm sure things will settle down with my little one soon..  we tend to have a few months of various health drama's then it goes quite for awhile then starts back up again.
Normally I would be able to cope just fine, but because of all the other things that  have happened over the past few months (Hubby going away, son being statemented for school but its wrong, my health issues ect) then it's all got just abit too much for me.
Doesn't help that its the summer hols and my Hubby can't have time off until the middle of Sept.  After speaking to the army yesterday they have agreed that if things start to get on top of me again, they will allow hubby to have a few days off..  shame they didn't offer that to us last month when Hubby went into work and said I was having a breakdown.
Anyway, i'm trying to think positive and I hope that by me going in and telling the higher ranks what exactly is going on that they can be abit more understanding..  hopefully we've turned yet another corner.
Thanks for everything..  
Love and hugs
Emma xxxx


----------

