# Anxiety at night



## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

I am looking for some advice for our DS who is 3.

He has been with us for nearly 5 months and has attached really well and the SW's are really happy with his progress. However, when it comes to sleeping and waking in the night it seems all his anxieties come to the front. He often cries in his sleep without waking, he will not fall asleep unless I am holding his hand and this can take up to an hour and if I move before he is definitely asleep it is tears till I come back and start the routine again.  He then wakes about 2 hours after settling and he wanders into my room to find me and if he can't, as I am still downstairs, you can see the anxiety in his eyes till I hug him and calm him down. This cycle can repeat itself 2-3 times in quick succession. He then comes into my room around 1-2amish and there he stays till morning and does not cry or wake but needs to be touching me!

I have tried to take him back to his room (at the 1-2am stage) but after 2 hours of not settling and crying we have realised this will not work at the moment and to be honest this bit does not bother me as he has probably never had the time in the room with any carers like a newborn does and I feel he does need this closeness for the time being. My DH and I are in separate bedrooms at the moment as he is such a light sleeper and finds it impossible to get back to sleep once woken. We are happy with this as its no good having a narky husband!

But I am worried about the anxiety as even my DH cannot settle him. Now his language is improving I have asked him why he is so upset and he said it was because Mummy is not there! So I looking for ways to break the fear of me not being there. He was in Pre-school in foster care so we have kept that up and he is able to leave me happily for 3 x 3 hour sessions a week and we have left him for an afternoon with my parents which he loved but it is just the nights. I am unable to go out in the evenings - not that I want to be out partying but it would be nice to be able to catch up with my friends and not having to tidy the house so they can come here instead! I did make it out last week for a few hours but DS was up when I got back as he did not settle when he woke around 10pm!

I just hate hearing him cry in his sleep and want to take his fear away!

Kestra x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

you've prob thought of this but could you just have him sleep in your room on a bed right up close to your side..then you'd have no more shenanigans in the night and he would poss sleep all through and may not wake at all after a few weeks... whereupon your dh could join you again! many families co-sleep..plenty in  other cultures too..and the children do eventually separate into their own rooms. it just feels like perhaps you are fighting against his very real need to be close to you at night. if you are there all night perhaps his anxieties will diminish and you will find he sleeps longer without keep waking..

kj x


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi Kestra,

Sorry to hear your poor little man is having such a tough time. I think Keemjay's right - it's what I'd do, and that way your DH can gradually be part of the comforting too if he's moved back into your room.

Someone I know did a similar thing and then gradually moved the bed further and further away from their own until the LO was on the landing (!) and then in his own room - might sound daft to non-adopters but we do whatever it takes in tiny steps.

Good luck!


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Hiya, sorry to hear your DS is struggling at night so much, but I would definitely go with Keemjay's idea- that's a good one I think because it's about parenting at the age he needs rather than his chronological age. His behaviour is a bit like a 9 month baby who has just understood 'object permanence'- (ie, when someone is out of sight they are still there just not with you) and cries as soon as Muma is out of sight. Maybe he feels safe with your routine etc in the daytime but it's lonely in the dark. Poor buba. I'm sure if you keep him in your room a while he'll start feeling safe soon x I would also however suggest (I'm sure you probably have) speaking to your post placement worker to see if there's any Play Therapy or anything of that ilk that may help? Good luck anyway x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi kestra
just thought I'd check in and see how you were getting on?

kj x


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## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

Thanks for all your advice.

We tried moving him into my room but he took longer to settle as he wants me to fall asleep with him as when he sleeps in my bed (from about 1am) I am in there so wanted the same at bedtime! We have moved him back to his room for the time being.

Unfortunately, I am also having to potty train him from today - as his FC was advised not to do it as he was only 'looked after' for 6 months before he came home to us - as he starts pre-school in September and want to concerntrate on that so I am going to leave the sleeping for a few more weeks now and then start doing the disappearing chair which has been advised by our HV and see how that goes!

Kestra x x


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