# Frustration - and it's all on the News.



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hello, 
I just wanted to vent my frustration whilst I sound happy and positive to everyone else around me. Our home study is still on hold and has been for 3 months. The reason it is on hold is because our social worker has had to take on another case load due to the sudden long term sick leave of her colleague. I am so frustrated with the waiting and I don't know what decision to make next. Last night I bumped into a couple who were on our preparation course in May and they are going to panel next week. I am so happy for them but just feel sad that it is not us. Is someone trying to tell us something! I am also finding it hard listening to the news coverage. They are asking for more people to come forward to apply for adoption. My DH are here waiting and wanting and nothing!!! It is tough waiting. 
Sorry to have a moan!!


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

PEJ -    I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you, it seems so unfair that you've been delayed    How far into HS are you?  Would it be worth trying to change agency?  I know that probably means starting again... and maybe you're too far in to contemplate doing that.  

I think all the publicity this week can be very confusing for everyone involved in Adoption.  So many children waiting, so many willing families waiting. sigh.... I'm just so sorry, and didn't want to read and run.  Hope things improve for you really soon.   

x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you, 
We did have a good start of the home study. We have had our medicals, CRB, references completed and have had 4 initial meetings including two meeting of me on my own. The next step is my DH meetings. We initially started our process with an agency but decided it was not for us and wanted to move to the LA as we were told we would be more likely to be matched to a younger child. Agh - now I wonder if this was the right decision. It is so confusing.  
Thank you so much for your support


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

PEJ, Bless you  
This journey is so difficult as it is without being put on hold through no fault of your own.
I don't really have any advice, but 3 months seem a very long time to be put on hold.
Have you been phoning your S/W to see when you will be starting again? I know it is a stupid question and I am sure you have been phoning, but now I think it is time to being a pain in the . keep on phoning until you get answers you are happy with.

When I first met our S/W she said to me " if for any reason you have a problem with me, I would like you to discuss these problems with me first so we can hopefully resolve things. If we cant then please go to the manager and hopefully we can reslove things this way".
Thankfully this has not happened and hopefully it wont come to it, but maybe you can give your S/W another chance and if you don't get any joy then maybe it is time to complain to the manager.
I don't know if this will make things better, but surly they can understand that 3 months is a long time and it is not fair leaving hanging in limbo.

I hope you get answers very very soon.
Massive   to you and you dh
Skyblu.xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

the waiting is so hard, esp when you've been put on hold when you're desperate to get a move on

the timing will all make sense when are matched with your little one/s down the line..perhaps they havent even been born yet..you will come together when the time is right and you'll realise the hold up was just part of the big plan that you werent even aware of..
did that  make sense..hope so..hard to put into words!
kj x


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I wish everyone well with this process as we never made it to the starting line due to various reasons. I feel its so wrong that people have home studies put on hold due to resource issues but that was what was advised to us when we first applied.

I strongly feel that  there are many people out there who would make wonderful parents but who are never given a chance to convince anyone by being dismissed on day one, or being persuaded that there are so many things wrong with them that they would not have a chance, as was the case with us. I also knew other people who had been through the process at least in part and could not continue due to the things that social workers said about them or had been rejected outright for being strident.  Having now had my own miracle children and been through the trials and tribulations of night feeds, sick children, and essentially lots of hard physical work as well as self reflection , personal growth as a parent ,and of balancing everyones needs,  I can only reflect now on the quality of life we could have given an adopted child. That might sound smug and arrogant but its not meant to be. What I mean is that we are two people who dedicate a lot of time, thought, and love to our children and to have been instantly rejected at the outset by social workers before we even got started seems very short sighted and just plain wrong and certainly not in the interests of the many children who need a sound and loving home.  No one had crystal balls but to have been treated with such suspicion and unpleasantness surely must put off many people and cut out of the process. From what I read and researched things were very different in the US and most of Europe where people applying to be parents weren't automatically treated like deviants unlike the starting point in the Uk. doubtless many people have other experiences but those were ours and those of people I met and books I had read.

We looked into adoption in the uk and went to a few meetings and talks but it was clear ( thankfully by a really good senior social worker) that we would only be matched with older children with special support needs due to our ages so we felt it wasn't a good fit for us so we left that particular process at that council..  In addition the need was for BME parents and we were white. We were told we could apply to more ethnically white councils but as we lived in London there was a presumption that living in London wasn't ideal so children so adoptions from parents in more rural areas or smaller towns would be preferred for children in those circumstances. We did also express a wish for mixed heritage adoptions due to my experience of working in a multi racial environment but as you will be aware, that doesnt or did not have any possibility due to prevailing views. 

We then discussed overseas adoption and having decided on China due to my interests in the culture we did a lot of research into the process, the costs, and the reality of all of it. I met people who had been adopted from China and their parents. the challenges were clear but the whole thing was positive and we felt we could make this work for everyone.  When we had our initial meeting with a london social worker ( we had to be vetted by our home council) we were blatantly told we had no chance- again lots of assumptions made about this and that without any evidence being requested, but the key things that stuck in my mind were 
a) the fact that you had to wait for some time after the last ivf cycle before applying- always very impossible for anyone to give up one option before you realistically have any chance of another. I can imagine that some people might choose to keep quiet whilst still continuing treatment. Why not as there was no guarantee of being passed for adoption.
b) that we had to pay £3000 for the home study but the council had no obligation to expedite that process as it was dictated by the Uk adoption caseload so there were no guaranteed time limits nor seemingly any right of appeal. It was made clear to us that overseas adoption was looked down upon for politically correct reasoning hence we were automatically in the wrong for even thinking about it.
c) We were told that as we had sought donor egg treatment abroad ( with donor anonymity laws in place) that was a mark against us as it was not viewed well by the adoption authorities as it was essentially adoption through the back door and illustrated our lack of interest in the childs welfare by not being able to reveal donor identity.
d) The fact that we had no real family in the UK was a big factor in ruling us out also  as the Council would have to travel to France to interview them and this wasn't possible due to resources. It was also relevant that we did not have family support of any kind in the uk. My views that support had to be earnt and given as well as received did not cut any ice with the social worker.
e) I recall about 10 minutes of being lectured about the penalties of bringing a child into the uk without proper assessment, clearance, and authorisation. We had no intention of doing so but all of this just reinforced the view that we were being treated like criminals.

Overall, there was no conversation, just a lecture amidst an atmosphere of recrimination and negativity.

There are many children looking for homes, and lots of people wanting to offer that but somehow,  and I agree that the priority is the child, but its just that there seems to be so many obstacles that don't benefit anyone.  I'm not a fan of David Cameron but think it is definitly time for some overhaul of this system to make it more efficient and more constructive, and certainly less destructive.

roze


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies. 
I have been in contact with our S/W mainly through email and the date always moves forward or it is 'we will contact you in a few weeks'. I think I will give the manager a call in the next few days. It just feels so confusing.   I know they have just held another preparation group. I am worried that we are going to be left waiting whilst other adoptive parents move ahead of us. 
On a positive thank you Keemjay, maybe our child has not been born yet or this is all happening for a reason. I am a believer in this but I can feel my positivity and belief fading away. 
As it is National Adoption Week I think it is making me more emotional. Looking at all the children that need homes and here we are just waiting. 
How is your HS going skyblu? I see from your details that you started July 11 which is when ours initially began. 
Thank you again,


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi PEJ

I'm sorry for your wait and fustration. Our adoption process went fairly smoothly but we had several friends for whom things went very very slowly indeed. They did all get there though, all have their children now - the children they were meant to have. You will get there too I'm sure.

Please use this extra time to your advantage, get more childcare experience (even if you have lots already), read, read and read some more - learn everything you can about parenting children who have suffered trauma, neglect and abuse as its a whole different thing to "traditional parenting", learn about theraputic parenting, attachment, research things available in your area for your future children to do, to visit, seek out sources of support in case you need them for the future, talk to other adopters, join Adoption UK, look for courses you can attend - be as pro-active as you can. Not only will it help the time pass but will make you more desirable too!
Also enjoy this time without your children (so hard I know when you are desperate for your family) but your life will change totally (in a good way) so do some stuff just for you while you can.
You'll get there, it won't all be easy but it will be worth it.
Love Crusoe
xxx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

PEJ I haven't got any great advice, but I did want to send  . Please vent your frustration here. I can certainly identify with the carrying on as normal, putting on a brave face - but for how long?! I've been rubbish in our wait to have a baby - naturally, through IVF and through adoption. I think sometimes you have to keep nagging (I'm not very good at this), at least until they give you some sort of reason for your delay. I do know that others on our prep course haven't even started home study and I know that the process is notoriously slow, but you do need to know what's going on. Hope you get somewhere soon. At least with adoption you will *eventually* get there. x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Ah Thank You. 
Feeling better now.  
I am certainly going to take your advice crusoe and keep up with my reading and research on parenting and loving adopted children. It does actually help me believe that we are one day going to adopt. I guess that the waiting can only make me EVEN more keen. If that is possible. 
Good news on panel Duckling   The next step for you now.


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