# Sibling Groups



## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi

Anyone adopted or waiting to be matched with sibling group.

We are going through profiles of sets of siblings (3).

We are excited but also daunted now we have been approved and actually reading profiles. We have lots of experience with kids and come from large families.

We keep thinking just go for it but on the other hand we panic and say maybe we should match with one child.

Would appreciate any advice from others in a similiar situation.

Thanks in advance.

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Just bookmarking I'll respond properly later wheb kids are in bed x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Paula

We felt same way. Approved for siblings but then freaked out and thought we were doing wrong thing. 
But then took a leap of faith and now have siblings, but only 2 not 3. Can't imagine having 3 - gulp! But some do including a lovely lady on here who hopefully will be along to say something. 

It's hard work and when youngest has a nap and I only have one child it's a breeze. They fight and it causes so many problems. 
Logistically it's much harder and I'm limited where I can go a can't keep them both safe in the park for example. Toddler groups aren't great as they are anxious and I can't be with both. So we have to avoid for now. 

But long term I can't imagine only having one and didn't want to do this again and go through intros / early placement already having one child at home and the stress it might cause. But others do and manage ok. 

So to answer, short term = really hard. 
Long term = (hopefully) easier than 2 separately. 

But having just one child could be another way. But for us, definitely we are a 2 child family and always wanted it to be that way. 

The fact that you are anxious shows you know how hard it will be. We had very low expectations and although it's hard it's not as bad as we thought. So a bonus. 

If i were to do it again I would be very careful in choosing and make sure the children had been living together, or at least a comprehensive sibling assessment done. Ours were together but I didn't realise how important that was and now we see how they fight I'm so glad they werent in separate care as I can't imagine how tough that must be if there were additional issues from being in separate care. 

Good luck look forward to hearing your news xxxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

P.S. We didn't have much child care experience at all before these came home. So your experience will help. 
Start thinking of ideas as to where you can all go together and be realistic about your support network. If you have family and good friends nearby then you can manage so much more. My family lives hours and hours away but when they come down here it's so much easier. 
We could have never considered 3 mainly due to lack of local support. But glad we have 2 even though it's harder at the moment. 

Xxxx


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## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

We are in the middle of matching and due to meet our 2 little ones very soon.  We went through the same thoughts/emotions as you when looking at profiles - can we do it? Are we bonkers? Is it too much? And in all honesty we kept thinking those things until the profile for our current matches came through, and all those fears disappeared some where(not sure where!). We just felt sure these 2 were absolutely right for us and we'd manage no matter what. 
I think your feelings are very normal, but don't discount viewing single profiles too as  this will help you make a decision  about what is right for you.  Good luck x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hello,
I have to say it ......

Three in one go is a massive undertaking!  Massive and not something (knowing what I know now about adoption/trauma etc) I would recommend    

An adopter friend told me the only thing that got her through the early days with her sibling group of two was being thankful she never took on three  

There are some amazing people who manage it though.  I met one lady on a course who had adopted three and was genuinely loving it and coping  

Good luck
X


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi there!

I am one of the mad mother of 3 ladies! 

Where do I start? We always felt that we wanted a sibling group when we adopted, for a number of reasons, mainly as we only wanted to do this once and We wanted a big family. So we ideally wanted 2 but said we would consider 3 if the sw thought we had all the right attributes and the children were right for us. I am adopted myself and came with my brother and it really didn't sit right with me that siblings can get seperated if they don't find a family.

Firstly our assessment was slightly different, there are a number of things to consider (finances, environment, experience) and discussing how we would meet varying needs, what our support structure was like.

At this stage our sw showed us a 3 profile. They were the complete package (although closer in age than I expected ..all under 4!). We felt a little pressured as we knew that arrangements for splitting up may happen as they were already in seperate FC, but we couldn't see any reason for saying no. We were also given other profiles as an excercise to narrow down what we could deal with etc. but we kept going back to the first group, we even got chance to see them at an activity day.

Fast forward 5 months after approval and matching and that 3 moved in! We went through all the same emotions and thoughts as you, were we mad? Could we do this? What were the issues going to be? Could we manage financially, emotionally?
Just lots of OMG!

We are about to have our celebration hearing next week having had our AO granted last month. Has it been hard? YES! Have I been an emotional wreck? YES! Have I found it hard to cope? Sometimes! Is it worth it? YES! 

What have I learnt? That I get cross easily but also have more patience then I ever thought I had, that I am more organised than I ever felt possible, I have a massive capacity to nurture and protect my children. I have learnt so much about myself and my other half.  Adoption is such a hard slog, but I admit that we have had a relatively straight forward journey, good support from social workers, and things could be so much worse, I feel blessed and lucky. I think being adopted me has given me more insight than my dh realises and I do have vast child care experience. Our social workers are super pleased with us, although I admitted to my sw that appearances can be deceptive and there are times I completely break down. 
I have no idea what the future will bring, will things get easier? Will they get a lot harder? My expectations after all the training, reading etc was that this could be horrendous, so I was prepared for the worst, we were realistic I guess. 
Our children are amazing, our youngest is thriving and bonding/attaching well, my middle one is emotionally scarred but is so clever and needs a lot of love and structure, my eldest is my attention seeking drama queen, but is adorable, cute and caring. 
I wouldn't change anything now, but at times I really questioned what we had done. Everything is so much harder with 3, logistically every day, I feel like I run a military camp during term time! It will be easier now that I don't have 2 at home for 2 days a week. Our finances will be stretched and eventually we will grow out of our home!
My advice is think long and hard, look at your support (mine have been good emotionally,  though it is very small but pretty much we are on our own day to day!  I have truly learnt who my friends are), think how you would manage on a daily basis, ask lots of questions about the children and their needs, even the most straight forward children (ours) all come with a lot of baggage and issues!ultimately you go with whatever you feel inside is right.
I am one very happy lady most of the time, the good, fun lovely times outway the stressful days by a long way now!


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Having slept I have read my post again. I may be In denial or doing things wrong with my children but I discussed this thread with my oh and we both agreed one major quality you need to have is the ability to adapt! We have tried varying different management styles and we are slowly getting there. You also will need a lot of resilience and back up.
A few things that have helped me. Using the adoption support. We go to a monthly toddler group, makes me feel ok about our children's quirks and we get to chat to people that get it. Use your health visitor. She recommended our sure start centres and one group in particular has been amazing for us. Find out what psychological support is available, you will need it.  I go to an evening support group and even though it's early days for me, the other adopters experiences and the support will be invaluable.
How will your days be filled? Search out your close amenities. We were lucky enough to have a lot of time early in placement together as a 5, but when dh went back to work it was a real shocker (didn't help that the kids on the first day had found some talc and how much fun it was to "play" with it ).
With hindsight there is more that I wished I'd asked before matching. Delve into their attachments with carers and each other. My days would be easier if I wasn't constantly unpicking all their issues when playing together!


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I have to be honest and confess, I sometimes wish I'd just adopted one! I love my two, but I do sometimes feel like I can't give them each as much as they need. Both thrive on individual attention and I wish I could give it to them all the time. 

When I do just have the one, like when DS is at nursery, I find it so much easier. I thought I wanted a sibling group because I knew I didn't want an only child, but I actually found the whole adoption process quite exciting, so wouldn't have minded doing it again. 

Having said that, they do share a close bond and I would hate them to have been separated (though we were one of 4 families linked to them, so I don't think they would have been). I think it also helped them settle here faster, as they had each other. Plus, it has got easier with time and perhaps when they're a little older, they'll play together, which will be lovely   I think friends and family have perhaps been more helpful and sympathetic with the hard days than if I'd had just one too. 

It's a tough decision and we were undecided right up until matching panel really. We asked to see profiles of sibling groups and singles and it just sort of happened that our two came through and seemed just right. We also enquired about a couple of singles at the same time (we'd had a big disappointment with our first link and feared the same with this one), but our two just progressed faster and we ended up getting the 'yes' at MP before any of the others even came out to visit us.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

That's a very honest post, deandlebean 

I have noticed there is a current thread on the Adoption UK Forum concerning adopting siblings (three in particular).

Whilst every sibling group is different and some more 'uncomplicated' than others, it is worth reading about the personal experiences of people who are living it. It is a tough read but in my opinion, it is worthwhile reading for those contemplating siblings (three) and may help with decision making .

http://www.adoptionuk.org/forum-topic/advice-needed

/links


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

I've been reading this thread with interest as we are in Stage 1 and have been talking a lot about whether we would be up for a sibling group (2 would be the max for us). The main reason I'm interested is that I would really like more than one child and I'm anxious that adopting a second child could be even harder for both children (and us!) than adopting two at a time. I'm thinking about the impact of bringing a new unfamiliar child into a family if both children have attachment issues. This seems like it would be a recipe for something even more challenging than diving in with two at the outset. Is it better to start with two children who already know each other, have a positive bond (I would definitely look for this in an assessment), and are used to sharing the attention of adults?

PS - the adoption uk thread scared the hell out of me! i know we need to read these things but it's terrifying...


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

ciacox said:


> PS - the adoption uk thread scared the hell out of me! i know we need to read these things but it's terrifying...


It scared me too and I 'only' have the one


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Just read my post again and just want to clarify that I don't regret adopting two!   It was hard and there are times when I can see that it may have been easier with one and have a little moment where I think I maybe should have...but it would still have been hard! And it has got so much easier with time and the rare moments when they make each other laugh or give each other cuddles are amazing.


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thank you so much for your posts.

It's daunting yet exciting at the moment.  We have started to read profiles of sibling groups and lots of questions have been raised.  

We still like the idea of sibling groups but taking our time to read each profile within the group.  We have been reading about a pink (18 months) and blue (4 years) who have been in foster care for only 6 weeks.  Sadly they are showing lots of development delay but in the 6 weeks in care have already made progress.  It's very unknown about how they will develop long term.  We are also reading profiles of a set of 3, they seem very well adjusted and the older children have just started in school.  It would be a good match regarding ages, hobbies, looks, development etc.  We are meeting our SW next week to go through some more profiles, a friend of mine who has adopted said it's rare for couples to see more than a few profiles, we think it's because our SW wants to share all the sibling groups in our LA to us.

I was sat on the loo the other day thinking how daunting it would be have to have the house full but within a second I had butterflies and a smile on my face!!!

x


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi, just a quick update. After lots of talking and soul searching we have declined the profiles of the sibling groups of 3. It was a hard decision but our decision was based on the profile ages, our home set up and our ability to cope with all 3.

Our SW has been supportive and has said our profile has been picked up by children's SW for a set of 2 and 3 individual children.

X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for update Paula. 
Sounds like you could have a link or match soon. Good luck xxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Some other things to think about....  personally I don't think it's 'easier' having your family all in one go, and sibling bonds aren't necessarily positive ones.  BUT I do believe that people who take on sibling groups are pure gold - these children need you!

Make sure any sibling group has had a proper sibling assessment - not all siblings should be placed together, and sometimes siblings can be a trauma trigger for each other.

The placing authority is asking a lot of you.  What are they willing to give in return?  Make sure you talk support in detail, not just in theory.

Good luck!


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thanks for the advice AoC, I will make sure we ask for a sibling assessment if we get matched. Our SW told us of two boys that were together but after a year in foster care they were separated for adoption as the older one was beating the younger one ( which he was encouraged to do by his birth parents). He was stick in the same pattern and both were unhappy being together. Such a shame for them as I think it will
Impact on them when they are older. 

I want to make sure we get support if we need it.

X


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi Paulapumpkin

We were approved and took on 2 full sibling boys. The eldest was 6+ and the younger nearly 3. They had never lived together in FC and a sibling assessment that had been done was well out of date. 

In short our experience wasn't a positive one. The older boy abused our youngest and he was also a trauma trigger for the older one. The reality was that the boys had little attachment to one another and both had complex needs that simply couldn't be met within the one placement. We received no support, and I really do mean none from our LA and SWs. In the end after a long and arduous 4 months our older boy returned to his previous FCs where he wanted to be. The younger boy remained with us and has thrived since his brother left. Happily, his older brother is also doing so much better now back with the FCs he saw as mum and dad and in an environment where he is the only child, very necessary for him. 

We will go on to adopt the youngest boy and instead of being a family of 4 we are 3. We were only ever approved for a sibling group of 2, so opposed was I in particular to having an only child. I can honestly say though that the needs of our lovely son are such that being an only child works much better for him, and now we realise for us too. 

Please ensure you read all children's Form E's backward and forward, ask questions, lots of questions. Make sure a full sibling assessment has been undertaken and prepare for a lot of hard work and difficult times. Our story has a positive ending for us and the two boys, but it never should have happened and we were too trusting of SWs opinions and reports and thinking with our hearts instead of our heads. I am in no way negative about taking on siblings, very good friends of ours have had their 2 girls for 8 years and are very happy. I guess I'm just offering a different side of siblings and hopefully it will help you to make the right decisions. Best of luck to you.


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi, just a quick update.

We've been linked to a sibling group of 3 and we are meeting their SW hopefully next week. 

After lots of discussions with our SW we did say no to a group of 3 but this case is different as it's the exact scenerio we said we would consider (an older sibling being left in care due to being older).

We've read a few profiles over the last few months of all ages and backgrounds and these little ones seem perfect!!!

We are super excited.

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Amazing news congratulations xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

So lovely to hear xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Wonderful news Paula. Very best wishRS to you all. Exciting times ahead 



GG xxx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Children's SW loves our PAR is coming on Friday!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Brilliant! Good luck xxxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Yikes how exciting... Fingers crossed lovely! Xx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Meeting went really well and the children's SW said yes this morning.

OMG - we are going to be a mummy & daddy to a blue and 2 pinks!

Lots of planning going to be done and we will be given matching panel date, they are currently in different placements so may have intros separately.

I can't stop bloody crying!

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Whoooooooooooo xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Congratulations     Xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Wow amazing news Paula! A full house and a beautiful one.  So pleased for you xx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thank you Gail, we start intros on 17 Aug!!!

Hope you are well sweetie. Xxx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Just read your post, congratulations. Xxx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thank you, I see you've adopted 3 too!

Would love any advice you can offer.

X


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Paula, so excited to see you are doing intros soon too... Awesome!


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

It was a unanimous YES from the matching panel.

Intros start on the 17 Aug, the planning meeting was very hard but we managed to get some kind of a plan together.

x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Congrats lovely x


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## Kylie47 (Mar 28, 2013)

Congratulations Paula!!   xx


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hello all, 
I'm posting here as I'm curious to know how Paula is getting on & also to write about my own predicament! 
OH & I were approved last month and have been on adoption link for a fortnight. We've seen 3 profiles from our sw, none of which were right for us. An AL sw contacted us about a link last week for 3 pinks, & after an initial period of 'could we?' and an email exchange with our sw we declined to learn any more about the particular 3, however days earlier had requested info on a different 3. 
Over the weekend we've had confirmation that sw for the 3 we enquired about is to contact our sw. This has been both exciting and terrifying!!! We were approved for up to 2 children and hadn't really thought about 3. SW had been very cautious when I said we'd been contacted - ultimately our decision but asked how we'd cater for each child's needs & would PH be able to take longer off work to help settle them in - all of which we understood why she'd ask.
We have a 5 bed home, I'm prepared & finances will allow me to take a full year off, and we've the capacity to extend that if necessary. The 3 we enquired about seem to have few issues, but obviously we're asking ourselves if we really can take on 3 tots, the eldest recently turned 4. Will they be hard to place simply because there are 3 children? There's no other indication of what may make them hard to place...

I'm going to email our sw & state that when she's contacted by the children's sw there is certain info we need that could make or break us at this early stage (though there are 8 links running so even if things are right for us, we are potentially in a competitive link). I've read a few things on AUK & on here so am hoping to be fairly clear from the start so as not to waste anyone's time!
I'd like to know:
• has there been a comprehensive sibling report done & if so how recently (they appear to be living together currently)
• for what reason(reasons) were the children taken into care as on the info given there is no indication.
• What package would be offered alongside the adoption of 3 small children
How does current fc meet the demands/needs of the 3 los (the fact she's a single fc with one birth child indicates it is possible to accommodate these 3). 
I suspect if this enquiry draws a blank - for whatever reason - that we may still browse the sibling groups of 3. I suppose I'm asking for experience of anyone who has done it & asking what support did you need/might you have wanted?

Thank you!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Hi Helend 

It's all very exciting finding a link :-D I remember those days well imagining my boys in the house..

3 children under 4 is a lot...3 birth children under 4 is a lot, but birth families have had chance to adjust to each child one at a time... We started with one and had the sibling placed 6m later, the shock of having two after only 6m was such an adjustment. 

We're absolutely perfect now and beyond love my boys to death but early days gosh I wondered what I had done and was it fair to the boys.

Have a think how you would cope with 3 individual needs, how you would divide your time between 3 needy children and how? How do you manage day to day things like cooking & cleaning when you've so many other things to do.

Obviously being a mummy to multiple children is amazing, but it's flipping hard work sometimes and you'll be very ganged up on, kids know when they outnumber you and how to play on that! 

Good luck  x


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to reply! 
I'd get a cleaner is one thing!!! 
When I try to think about meeting the needs then a lot does tend to go along the lines of 'well, when x is in nursery, y can have full attention...'.  So I'm hoping for more practical solutions. The eldest did turn 4 in August so has maybe started school in September. Now, I know she wouldn't be expected to attend school immediately (IF placed), but it wouldn't be too far on the horizon.
Anyway, our sw is back in work today and has sent our PAR through together with a request for further info on the children, so we'll take it steady until we know if there's anything in the link or not.
Thanks!


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Good luck Helen! Sounds exciting. Must be very hard to keep your feet on the ground with this possibility in the ether. Cleaner sounds like an excellent idea!


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Helen I have sent you a PM x


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