# Conflicting Emotions



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I used to be on this thread all the time but then moved away whilst having DIUI, this has now come to an unsuccessful end so hope you don't mind me popping back in again. We had the last result this weekend and I knew it hadn't worked. In total I had 3 rounds of DIUI and hated every minute of it, especially the clinic and the way they made me feel. Today is my second drug free day (had to take steroids and cyclogest) and I am waiting for AF to arrive. I know I have a tendency to have delayed reactions to trauma but so far all I feel is relief that it didn't work. I am finding this confusing as on the other hand I am feeling a failure as a woman for not achieving a successful pregnancy. Also due to our problem being MF (CBAVD) it now appears that after 2 ICSI's and 3 DIUI and still never been pregnant I have problems too.

I know this post is not making much sense (welcome to my world) but there is no random order to my thoughts at the moment and I am very confused. I want to know why I am ok with it not working Is it because I am still high on steroids and not fully come down yet!! I am pretty sure that after thinking I was 100% fine with having another mans baby that actually I'M NOT!! See how this journey can throw the biggest surprises at you; you think you have it sussed when you don't. Everyone says they know for sure how they feel about their journey but then something happens and you realise that actually you have no idea what you were thinking at all. I know for sure now that I would rather have no baby than use a donor, I am going to sell the remainder of our stock back to the clinic, I don’t want it. Another reason I could be feeling relieved is due to recent changes in our NHS criteria, it now appears that we may be entitled to have one more ICSI on the NHS (this means we can use DH Sperm as it can be surgically retrieved). The referral was made last week and all happened very quickly. I have gone from thinking that my last DIUI was my last ever cycle to the possibility of one more ICSI of which I said I would never do again. I have realised over the past 3 months that I am a lot stronger than what I was when I initially had ICSI and that I can in fact handle another go and if it is free then I am not going to turn it away. However, I also know that I am not prepared to give my money to another money grabbing clinic so if we get turned down then that really is it for us.

So this brings me back to my feelings of being a failure. Not having a successful career, friendships and now not being able to achieve pregnancy for no apparent reason. I find myself reading magazines and turning away from articles about women with children for what do we have in common. I instead search for articles about women without children and there aren’t many. I want to see more inspirational stories about childless women and less about how those that do have them are super women making the rest of us feel that without that part of the equation what we achieve is not as worthy. I have every respect for mothers as I know they have a difficult job and with motherhood comes a whole new load of dilemmas/worries/insecurities etc but all my friends with children have each other to get them through the tough times, when you don’t have children that network is not as available. For some it is but for most it isn’t. We don’t get invited to all the weekend barbies, parties etc they all stick together. This leaves me feeling that not only could I not get pregnant but I can’t achieve social status either, even more rejection from the animal world of groups!!! I don’t mind hearing mums moaning about their child or the difficult week they have had as long as they don’t mind listening to me moan about how I have time to get bored, just like I don’t mind listening about joyful stories of their children as long as they don’t mind listening to me talk about my love of my freedom to do what I want when I want. It is all about compromise, but it doesn’t happen. We are not freaks, we just don’t have children and it is a sadness that we have to live with. If I could shout from the rooftops a message it would be ‘don’t tell me to not give up hope’ (unless you are a doctor or God who actually has the answers), they are not helpful words. Just invite me out sometimes, include me in your life and help me not to feel alienated like I already do……


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

hey there yamoona... wow, your words will resonate with everyone on this thread I'm sure.

I completely understand where you are coming from - it is such a MAD situation to find oneself in - this whole infertility thing I mean. It's very difficult to make sense of it... and I honestly believe that, actually, we can't make sense of it as there is *no* sense to it!!!!

One thing is for certain though - you are NOT a failure.

Us child free ladies have to stick up for one another!!!

It makes me so mad when everywhere I look there are stories about .... yummy mummies (puuurlease), scummy mummies, fabulous mummies, young mums, old mums, my-life-has-only-had-meaning-since-I-became-a-mother mums, wag mums, mums-to-be.... AAAAGGHHH! It's like you can't be a real woman unless you've experienced child birth!
And your line about "there's always hope" - gosh, I know sometimes people just don't know what to say, but...   

I hope you get the go ahead with the ICSI - you sound like a strong person, so I think you will get through all this whatever happens

love and light
Jill x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Yamoona said:


> I don't mind hearing mums moaning about their child or the difficult week they have had as long as they don't mind listening to me moan about how I have time to get bored, just like I don't mind listening about joyful stories of their children as long as they don't mind listening to me talk about my love of my freedom to do what I want when I want.


That is sooo true, Yamoona! I'd say it doesn't never happen, but the friends who are able to do this are few and far between!!

Must dash but just wanted to say hello again. It is a very confusing place you are now  

Jx


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi Yamoona

I must have missed your post before, just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear that you are in such a confusing place at the moment (although it sounds as if in your confusion you have found some clarity, which is great). Many hugs for you   

You are so right in what you say - it is difficult to find a purpose and a "fit" for your life once the acceptance that a baby won't be part of it dawns. I will say that one year ago I was inconsolable, this year I am feeling stronger and whilst I still have sad days I am also beginning to recognise that I am lucky in other ways - it is a gift to be forced to really work on who I am and what I want......I'm a long way from there, but just wanted to say that it does get easier. The passage of time softens the pain.

I wish you every luck in your new ICSI attempt.....

X


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