# questions on adoption ?



## koala boo (Jul 29, 2007)

Hi there,
My DH and I have a daughter through IVM and she is now 6 years old. We have tried a few more rounds of FT IVM since for a sibling but unfortunately hasn't worked. In the past we have talked about adoption and it is still something we are still very interested in. The last time I contacted an agency they confirmed we would need an extra room as currently in a 2 bed but would be intending to move to a 3bed. 
Was hoping if anyone could help please with answering some questions we have on adoption..


Roughly how long is the adoption process? (I appreciate this can differ)
Would having pets be ok (we have 2 small but older friendly dogs and a conure parrot who can be rather noisy at times)?
Would they need to know about you income and outgoings?
Can you opt for a baby or is there an age they recommend from having 6yr old daughter?
Would you have the choice of girl or boy?
Would there be delays in adopting if already have child?
Once adopted child would you need to keep in contact with birth parents always?
I am aware the backgrounds of the children up for adoption varies but can you opt not from a violent background i.e. if birth parents in prison etc?
Can the children be very disturbed if younger? (Again I expect this varies on age and child).

Thank you in advance


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi

We have just had a little one live with us and I will try to answer your questions. Things may vary between different areas so I can only comment on our Local Authority and the process we went through.

It has taken us nearly 3;,years from the phone call to the adoption team to having a child move in.

Pets are fine. I understand they carry out a risk assessment

Yes they need to know all financial information

Yes you can ask for a particular age group. We were approved for 0 - 3 years. This is because we have a birth child who at the time of application was 7. They wanted a large age gap. They will consider your Birth child's age when agreeing an age range.

We specified a girl but had good reasons behind this.

The only delay is that there are less children you can be considered for as some adopted children need to be the only child in the family 

You usually have letterbox contact with birth parents which is 1 letter a year through Social Services. If there are siblings to the child and it is safe to do so, you may be required to meet them 2 or 3 times a year and send Birthday and Xmas cards.

You can specify things you will and won't consider. Although I would advise to keep an open mind.

Any child, particularly a baby will have uncertainties in future health. This is because you are unable to know how they will develop and what medical problems they will have. With an older child you will be told if any issues including any possible health or behaviour issues.

But I know with my birth child that you never know what is in the future. She has suffered health problems that neither of us have had.

I hope this has helped a bit. ☺

X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - I have a birth child too so thought I would answer too. The gap between birth son and adopted daughter is 2 yrs 7 months. The process took us nearly 2 years first time round and we had to fight really hard to get through it because I think there is always some doubt in social workers mind about whether you will put birth child first. 

Our daughter came to us at 12 months - we specified up to 18 months but didn't specify sex although there is a theory that a change in sex works well and it really has for us.

Second time around from initial enquiry to child being placed was approx 9 months - I don't know if this was because of different agency, pure luck or the fact we were proven adopters by then. Or possibly a mix of all. Some children needing to be adopted do need to be the only child in the home but equally some children benefit from having siblings. I know for my daughter she really took her cue from my son and I would say he taught her how to love us

Doesn't sound like your pets would be an issue but you will hear that some adopted children can display cruelty to animals. Direct contact with birth parents is extremely rare and as loopylou said it would normally be letterbox.

How disturbed the child is will vary depending on so many factors - in utero experience, number of moves since birth, genetic factors, experience with birth family etc. For us however we have had a very positive adoption experience so far and yes we could well experience further problems down the line but it's too late - they are all our kids and we love them so much.

Good luck and please ask if you need any advice


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## Jazz-87 (May 24, 2015)

Hi ladies 

Also starting to think seriously about adoption. Contacted our Local authority (Nottinghamshire) and were informed from the outset that they are currently not accepting applications from people wanting to adopt from 0-3 age group. Does anyone know if you can register with other LA's? My parents are foster carers in North Yorkshire and would be interested in registering to adopt from this area also if its possible? 

Thanks 
Jazz x


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Roughly how long is the adoption process? (I appreciate this can differ)
The process is designed and targeted to take 6 months from acceptance to approval bug it does vary (we were 9 months) but then you would have to be matched with a child which can take anything from a month to a year or more. 

Would having pets be ok (we have 2 small but older friendly dogs and a conure parrot who can be rather noisy at times)? 
They would do an assessment on the animals and you would be asked if you would be willing to rehome them if they felt the need (unsure if anyone has ever been asked to do this that I'm aware, obviously if you have a dangerous dog you would be asked to, but usually it's fine)

Would they need to know about you income and outgoings?
Yes - they need to ensure you can support a child for all eventualities, that you can afford the time off work and that you are secure.

Can you opt for a baby or is there an age they recommend from having 6yr old daughter? 
You would be asked what it is you are hoping to achieve, we wanted a baby and stuck with our guns all the way through, we were then matched successfully with a 15 month old. They would normally want at least a 2 year age gap between children and more often than not your new addition would need to be the youngest in your home.

Would you have the choice of girl or boy?
We were asked if we had a preference (which we did) and we went with it.

Would there be delays in adopting if already have child? 
Matching may take longer as there are more factors to be considered such as the emotional stability of your current family group.

Once adopted child would you need to keep in contact with birth parents always? 
Every child's situation is different, not many children have direct contact with birth parents, but it's quite common for letterbox contact (just a letter) to be agreed. This is not mandatory or legally binding but through the training would you would recognise the importance.

I am aware the backgrounds of the children up for adoption varies but can you opt not from a violent background i.e. if birth parents in prison etc?
Yes! You have choices about what you could cope with - training is provided and your social worker will have worked with you enough to have an idea of what she also thinks you can cope with.

Can the children be very disturbed if younger? (Again I expect this varies on age and child).
Yes, never underestimate the trauma a small child can endure even if they haven't even lived with a birth family. My little girl was in foster care from birth but struggles daily with little things emotionally that other children would cope with. 


As with fertility treatment, adoption isn't easy, but it is by far the single greatest achievement of my life. My little girl is mine, she is me, she is amazing and funny, cute and kind, compassionate and crazy. I wouldn't change a single thing about my journey to motherhood and can't wait until we can expand our family further through adoption.

It's very daunting to know where to start and how to feel at the beginning, perhaps you should contact some local authorities or voluntary agencies and speak through any concerns you have or arrange to attend an open evening. There is nearly always a way around things and what you may consider as an issue may not be to them, if that makes sense?

Good luck!


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Jazz you don't have to go with your local authority - in fact it's sometimes easier to go out of area as matching can be easier!
However, most agencies will have a catchememt X


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Jazz - there are lots of agencies in the Notts/Derby/Leicester area including the city and county LAs and VAs like Barnardos (Derby branch opened last year) etc, and even an agency in Coventry was willing to consider us and we are east midlands too. It's worth going to the different open evenings - we have been to most of them in the tri-state area and found a big variation in agencies, and also learnt a lot. I think it was the First 4 Adoption website or Adoption Link that has a search facility to find agencies you can work with who are within so many miles of your house.

Good luck ladies xxx


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## koala boo (Jul 29, 2007)

Thank you so much for all your replys! 

Loopylou, Tictoc and Nicola, you have been very helpful to answer all my questions thank you all so much and it gives us some more idea of what to expect.

We have been looking at the possibility of moving house for an extra room which we would need if we choose to proceed with adoption but this would need more looking into before if so.

Adoption is such a big journey as with all fertility journeys. I didn't realise just how long from start to being placed with the child the adoption process can take..

Hi to Emma and Jazz and good luck with your journeys.

Could I ask, are there costs incurred to adopt in the UK?

Many thanks again for all the replies.


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

You've come to the right place for real answers ☺

We decided we would move once we got the adoption ball rolling, however, we were sharply informed that moving during the process would not be recommended by our LA and would in fact delay our process. Our LA also informed us they would want a child settled for a recommended period of a year before we moved. Our lady has been home 10 months and we just moved this weekend - she hasn't taken it very well, and I seriously underestimated the things she remembered and now fully understand why they recommend the wait time (that said, she seems much more settled this morning so they do adapt quickly!)

Some LA/VA's may expect you to pay for some things, but each is different - we had to use annual leave from work for a few thumbs, but other than that we didn't spend anything on the process, medicals and DBS etc were paid for, and we were given a settling in grant of £200 towards things when we got her home (didn't even cover the cost of her clothes lol but was still worth having) also usually expenses are paid for any costs incurred during the matching process.

The other expense to consider is, you would most likely (child dependant obviously) be expected to take a year off work so if you are a worker you should check your company's adoption policy 👍🏻


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi Emma,

That's great about your business.

One of the main things you would discuss and go through during your adoption journey is how you will prepare your child for their future and how you will deal with these things as they come up. 

Adoption has moved on a lot in recent years, and it's now pretty much the done thing that your child is aware of their adoption and understand in an age appropriate way that they were adopted from a very young age. I discuss random little things with my 2 year old regularly "ah, this bear was bought by your birth mum" "remember before mummy when you lived with X and X?" Etc

It's almost a given than an older child will to some extent have suffered somewhat, a child being placed for adoption will be to have them a better life, and to do what is in their best interest. Even a young child will have suffered, my child has never been with her birth parents yet she struggles with separation and anxiety following her change from her foster carers to us.  

Work will also have been put in with a child so they understand that they are getting a new Mummy and Daddy, they will be of the understanding that their foster carers are temporary and they will be aware that they are being adopted before it happens. That said, children are resilient and they can deal with more than we have them credit for. 

Adopted children can have suffered extreme abuse - mental, physical, sexual, emotional, they can have witnessed some horrific things, been hurt in the worst ways by people who should have been their ultimate protector and they can have terrible memories. 

If you can provide a warm loving and stable committed family for a child, then you should perhaps approach a couple of agencies and get some more information and see where you go from there? 

One last thing, you don't mention your age but I was 34 when I got my daughter and I was by quite a large gap the youngest adopted on my preparation training. Out of 8 sets of adopters, 6 sets were in the 49's, me and hubby in 30s and one in 50s. The couple in their 50s went on to adopt an 8 week old relinquished girl. 

X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Emmame - try and think of it as you are the mother but there is a part of this child's history they may well be curious about. I have one adopted from Russia and one from Uk and my bigger concern is that my daughter from Russia will never be able to find out where she came from. 

I hope that when the time comes I will be able to support my kids to find out what they need to help them feel at ease with their history. After all it is a part of them


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

My daughter has pictures of her birth parents in her life story book in her bedroom, she knows their names too. This way I am holding no secrets from her, she will learn to fully trust me and accept herself as she knows her story. Also she won't put birth parents on a pedestal as she will know and see the sobering facts. I think with the unknown comes the risk of children creating an unrealistic image of birth parents. I would support my daughter in finding her birth parents in the future if she wishes, however by that age she will be developmentally much more advanced than they are, so I am reassured she wouldn't see BM as a replacement maternal figure in any way. I hope that makes sense xxx


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

I think your concerns over future contact with birth family will be eased as you start exploring further and attend some of your initial training if you start the process. We are all made with an inate need to know who we are and what makes us. Yes a large part of of what makes us is our nurturing and not our nature but is is still a component. As people go through certain stages in life everyone wants to know certain things. It is only natural then that adopted children will reach a stage, usually in adolescence, that they will want to know more. Not having access to this information can be very damaging. I have a number of close friends who are adopted, they were adopted of course in the time of closed adoption. Until they reached the age of 18 they knew nothing and for most of them what they learned at 18 was very limited. They will all say even though they had a fantastic loving families to be nurtured in they still had an unrealistic view of their birth family and all were angry that they could not get the information they needed. This created unnecessary stress in their lives. 

Today most children adopted in the uk have ongoing contact with birth family usually through letterbox contact controlled by social workers. This gives them the opportunity to find out in an age appropriate way the information they need to satisfy their questions. This is healthy. In actual fact where I come from in the uk much of the contact that is now directed by the courts is actually ongoing direct contact with birth family if it is safe and appropriate. I was shocked when I first discovered this but after chatting to lots of adopters I now feel this can be good and helpful. It means the child will have a real grasp of their family and alongside their good life story work they are helped to see why they can not live with their birth family but can still have links to their routes. 

I think you will grow to look at adoption from slightly different eyes. Yes you will be parents, providing all the nurturing and loving they need but you will be parenting in a different way. You will be celebrating how they came to your life while celebrating their history prior to arriving with you.

You mentioned adopting from overseas. It is becoming increasingly hard to adopt from these countries as many have closed their doors to children being adopted out of the country. 

Good luck as you consider your next move.


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