# Relationship issues after baby talk (body clock ticking)



## Lauranash (Jan 11, 2013)

Hi,

I will turn 29 in April and I have Endometriosis stage 3 and PCOS.

A couple of years ago I unsuccessfully tried to conceive for two years with my previous partner. We had a few courses of clomid but I failed to get pregnant and we broke up as we didn't handle the complexity and difficulty of the situation.

I have now been in a new relationship for 7,5 months. I am very much in love and I think that Boyfriend is just as much in love as I am. But...

I want kids! Not right now, but I'd like to be in a position to try again shortly after I turn 30 (let's say 1,5 years from now).

I didn't get pregnant when I previously tried, but my ovaries and tubes are healthy (at the moment) and my doctors are rather optimistic - as long as I don't waste too much time. We don't know how the Endo will progress and stuff...

Yesterday we had a serious conversation and although he'd like to have kids ONE DAY, he doesn't see it happen before a while - probably 5 years +, which is a length of time I don't feel I can afford to wait in my situation).

We haven't discussed it much, but he mentioned his financial situation (fair enough, he's starting his business and will not receive any income anytime soon). But I also think he doesn't feel ready for it at the moment (or in the next few years). He has time on his side as he's only turning 30 this week (the unfairness of the female biological clock!!).

I am now wondering how to progress with this.

I am very happy with the relationship on many levels but I am not prepared to wait 5 years to TTC!

That said, breaking up doesn't mean I will find someone else who ticks my boxes in the next few years!

I feel very confused and sad, and I thought that reading your point of views and experience on the subject might help me take a decision.

Thank you.


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hey there

It can be a tricky conversation to have in a new relationship can't it? I remember talking about it with my now husband and we definitely had different timescales in mind when it came to the issue of having children! Like you I didn't want to delay too long whereas he was fairly ambivalent and certainly not in any great rush.

Things changed as our relationship developed and he agreed to start trying. Even if he hadn't by then I realised that I was really lucky to have met someone I felt such love for.

I'm not sure if that really helps! I guess I'm just saying that if you two are right for each other, as it sounds you might be, then it'll work out. It's great that you've had the conversation and that he wants children, if you feel like he may the right man for you then it sounds like you'd have a lot to lose by ending it. 

That's just my view, maybe give him a bit of time to get used to the idea and broach it again. Does he know of your concerns? 

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, sleep deprivation taking it's toll after a long week!

Jen


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Laura,

I agree totally with you and wouldn't wait 5 years either, you would be nearly 35 yrs old when your fertility starts to decline. If nothing happened you would then have to TTC for 2 yrs before a GP would start to do tests.

I was with someone for 3 years, up until 3 months off my 30th birthday.  We were engaged, I had my own flat and desperately wanted to get married and have a baby.  I gave him an ultimatum and we split.  There were other problems in the relationship to, but nothing I didn't feel we could resolve.

Anyway I met my DH 3 months later and he was 33 yrs old, so a little bit older then me.  He was at the same stage as me luckily and we just went for it.

We got married within 18 months, got a house and then started trying for children.  You will see from my signature that things didn't go to plan, so Thank god we started when we did.  We have now been together 9 years and i couldn't be happier.  As for my ex, he is still living with his Mum and Dad at 40 yrs of age, not married, no children, but has had a girlfriend for 5 years who he won't commit to.

Definitely have another chat in a few months time, as you really need to be on the same page.  Also I hope he isn't like my ex and has a problem with commitment and is using this as an excuse.  

Good luck and private message me if you really need to talk more.

X


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Don't do anything rash to jeopardise a relationship that's still in it's infancy.

There is obviously the chance that he may just say he isn't ready for 5 years, but in 5 years time he still won't be ready. Or that he isn't bothered enough about having children to go through treatment if needed. Or that he might not be fertile himself and wouldn't consider donor. Or he could ask you to marry him and say he wants children in 6 months.

If he isn't 30 yet I would cut him a bit of slack. Pre-30 my husband wasn't that bothered about children at all and definately didnt want to go down the IVF route. A few months after he hit 30 he changed - especially when our friends started having kids. Now he is all interested and taking vitamins, altering his diet, and reading up on IVF so he understands what is going off, and also talking about adoption.

All I'm trying to say is that no one knows what's going to happen in the future and things can change very fast. At the moment you aren't ready yourself so maybe just wait until you are and by then you will have been together over 2 years and things may be very different. 

I know it's hard with your conditions (im a PCOS and endo girl too) and previous experience. Once he has been with you longer and he begins to have a better understanding of your conditions he may start to see things your way.

Good luck honey xxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Laura.

I would also concur; don't do anything rash. Enjoy your relationship for now - it's early days and you still have a lot of getting-to-know-each-other to do yet and, as you say, you're not yet ready for that yourself. It might just be too soon for this conversation for him but, at least now he knows where you're going and where he thinks he's going. He also knows that it may not be easy for you. He may well feel completely differently in 6 months or 18 months, and your relationship may have evolved and you're solid enough to do this. Nothing is ever set in stone.  
I would agree with your though, I would not wait until I was chasing 35 before starting to TTC with the known issues you have. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say you want to start ttc in your early 30s, and not to wait too long to refer for tx if it's not happening. 

C~x


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## Lauranash (Jan 11, 2013)

Thank you very much everyone for your advice! We had another serious discussion a few days ago and we will see how it develops in the next few weeks/months...


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