# Reassurance: Trying one last time at 46?? Am I mad?



## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi lovely ladies,

For the last two weeks my head, and heart, have been pulled in all directions.

After our bfn before Christmas we grieved for the family that would never be as we'd come to the decision that was going to be our last try. However, hope stands in the way of moving on.

Fast forward and we've decided on Gennet or Gest in Prague. I've been in contact with Sue the ivf traveller and she seems pro Gennet and after our chat we're leaning towards them ourselves.

The problem is a consultation with Gennet won't be until June and treatment in September. We really didn't want another treatment at the back end of the year, nearing my 47th Birthday (can't believe that!) in January. 

The thing is fear has set in about being an older mum. I've never felt like this before but then again I never thought I'd reach 46 and not be a mum.  Fears such as would I cope, will I be a good mum, can I do it having been set in my ways for such a long time, when any child is 20 I'll be in my 60's.. the latter scares me.  But then I do really want a family, to love a child and grow with them. When I ask myself if I didn't do one last cycle would I look back with regret in my 60's.. And the answer is Yes, I would. 

I'm scared of it working and I'm scared of it not!! How can that be? I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm just not able to think straight.  So many conflicting feelings have kept me awake at night for weeks.

Age has never been a problem to me until the cycles went passing by year after year.

Do I go with Gennet despite the long wait (though I understand you can ask for a cancellation) or go with Gest (Praga Medica) to start sooner, even though it's Gennet I feel may bring us success.... OR do I forget the whole thing, because I'm tired, so tired of prodding and poking and basically trying SO HARD all of the time!  

How do you feel about age and parenthood? Do you have any of the feelings and fears I have, or am I just going mad? 

Life was supposed to start at 40... IVF started at 40 for me and I'm IVF fatigued now. Since marrying DH at 40 ivf is all we've known, lived and breathed. 

You're supposed to have fear and doubt of your capabilities of motherhood whilst pregnant, not before, but i've always been accused of getting ahead of myself. 

Apologies if I've rambled I just needed to vent my feelings somewhere.. I'm so confused.com right now.  May be I just need to bite the bullet and choose a clinic, but which one.

Basically it's reassurance I'm after, another cycle at 46? 
Thanks for reading.

Essie xx


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## Guest (Feb 14, 2015)

Hi Essie, I just read your post and wanted to send a big   for your bfn and hard journey. Well done for being a very strong person   I can't really advise one way or the other, but as far as I'm concerned it's not out of the question and these things (happy ivf endings!) do happen, it seems some of us just have more challenges along the road. I'm sure you'll know in your heart what feels right for you and I wish you absolutely loads of luck & renewed energy from here onwards! Sending an extra   as its Valentine's Day!   

Merlin xxx


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Essie darling   all your worries are understandable but I can assure you, completely unfounded   I had Beany at 47 and will have Twinkle at 50 !! If you're anything like me, you don't look your age and hopefully you can get your 2nd one in before you're 50 too  
I am a brilliant mummy, and definitely better for being older. I am far less selfish and just so thankful. She gets everything she needs, as we have more money now, and we are always saying how lucky they are. The only thing they won't have is us in their 50s, but then again not everyone does. 
I would go with Gennet, try for a cancellation, and sort immunes first. Now repeat after me: I will be a mummy and a bloody good one too    

xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

well seeing at the oldest first time mum was 66, i really dont think late 40's is an issue. 
women are having children later and later
i'd say go for it. 
theres alot to be said for not giving up on your dream 
xxxx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Oh *Bundles* you do make me laugh (and cry at the same time)  you seem to be becoming my own private guru at the moment! And I needed a new slogan for my forum pic.. I WILL BE A MUMMY AND A BLOODY GOOD ONE TOO seems better than any other 

Immunes and a hysteroscopy have been mentioned by Sue and that gives me confidence, unlike previous clinic.

You're a fantastic support on this thread and have no doubt you're a fantastic mummy too! 

*Merlin*.. Thank you too for the lift in my spirits  Sometimes all you need is someone in the same boat as it were to cheer you on. I think I've just got so tired I'm doubting my own capabilities. Extra hugs for Valentines too Merlin  

Essie xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks *Jade*.. I feel a fire in my belly now, it IS what I want. If I am to try again might as well give it all I've got! And not look too far into the future.

Good luck on your journey

Xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

people go on and on about older mothers forgetting that many children are for the most part brought up by their grandparents anyway. 
my grandmother raised me until i was 18. 
she was 84 when she died 
no one batted an eyelid at that though
xxxx


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## babycakes99 (Sep 8, 2008)

Essiejean, I am a lurker on many DE threads and have followed your posts amongst them. 


My mum warned me I'd be more tired as an older mum, she could compare  having two children in her early twenties and then me in her late thirties. Well I had nothing to compare having both children in late thirties/early forties! Yes I am tired but then most mums are!! I also think it comes down to how fit you are (me, not so much at times!) I totally agree with bundles, spot on. My dad was much older, he was in his early fifties when I was born, he was an amazing dad with huge amounts of energy. He lived a long life and yes I miss him now, but I wouldn't have swapped him for anything. 


Just though I would say that....!! Huge amounts of luck.


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## Ipomée (Oct 30, 2012)

Hello Essie Jean,

I personally know three women who became mom's over 40: two at 45, and one a 47 (accidental pregnancy, but very happy!). These three in question, are amazing women and exemplary moms. Also, the three children are brilliantly smart and also very compassionate beings, mostly because of the influence of their mothers. They are very fortunate children and society is fortunate to have them. 
Random anecdote... I'm about to substitute in a grade school and I've been warned by the former teacher that 14! out of the 24 children in the class either lack the intellectual capacity to follow the course (or the other courses) or are totally disinterested in the subject matter. Even though part of the problem in the educational system, I can't help but wonder who the parents are ...  
Ipomée


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

essie hugs to you

I'm  first time mum at 44 and beyond beyond exhausted, my body is wrecked..


But i feel blessed and satisfied. nothing in life worth having comes easy. 


i hope your patience and struggle is rewarded and your next go is a success. good luck.


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

older mums (40 +) how do you find recovery from all the sickness you get through the early days? I remember my DS being sick every month through the winter in his first year - up until June and I was sick with him yet still had to look after him with no time to rest or recover myself. How do you cope with the tiredness and what about money? Are you wealthy and able to support a child still at school when you're in your 60s? Do you get a lot of support from family? I'm not knocking any of you for doing it I'm just curious.

As someone on here right said Essie the overwhelming amount of love you feel and the fulfilment you get from being a mum gets you through and overrides everything else.


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Essie   you know I am at the sidelines cheering you on  

Babycakes what a lovely post about your dad   

Ipomee you are so right. I don't go to many play groups but when I see other children at such, or the park, or McD's play (!) I see how spiteful a lot of other children are    their parent's are often too busy on their phones to spot anything. My DD is actually quite kind & has manners - even at almost 2 1/2 I think I am very 'old school' in how I bring her up. I will be very interested to see how she responds when this LO arrives. She already gets excited at scans as we are off to see her little brother. She gives my tummy a hug for him & kisses it spontaneously    My OH is very happy with her sunny disposition & says it is directly related to me, and I know that I am so lucky to be able to stay at home with her. I 'teach' her things & she loves to achieve, mind you, that's not to say we don't have the tv on & she does love a bit of Mr Tumble  

MissO I guess I have been very lucky as DD was not a sickly baby. In fact I don't think she was ever sick in her cot until a few wks ago when we all had a D&V bug ! I gave her her first cold at 3wks old & she's not really had many since then. We started going to a local playgroup in November & I can honestly say she (& yes we) have never been so ill !! Every Friday we come home with a new bug    It is harder at the moment, being pregnant, but I'm normally quite fit & active so I just get on with it. If I need an early night I go to bed when she does or I have a nap in the afternoon while she naps or OH looks after her. The hardest thing was vomiting while with her a few wks ago while OH was away for a few days working. You just manage   and don't forget, us oldies need less sleep  
My mum had me at 19, then my sister at 20, then lost one, then my other sister at 23, then my last sister at 36. Looking back she was not a great mum & quite lazy   she taught me how to cook but that was about it, my dad was the brains !
Regarding money, we are not cash rich but we have worked hard, & have our own business and are in a position for me to not have to go to work  - although I carry the work phone and make all the bookings. There are sacrifices involved - currently my OH has to work back in London for however many days each week (we moved from a 1 bed London flat, to a 3 bed Seaside house last summer) but his business is weather-related seasonal so it's a couple of days now but could be 4-5 in the summer. This will be until he re-locates.  Our pension will be property income, which in turn will be our childrens' legacy so I guess their University tuition fees will be taken care of. Our decision to try for a second was based on companionship for our DD when we are gone, and this was balanced against the effective halving of our assets for her. I have no doubt that they will have a fabulous life with us and hopefully will want for nothing. And yes, when I look at my DD or hear her laugh it makes me burst with happiness and nothing is too much trouble.


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## RED13 (May 8, 2005)

Hi Essie,
So happy to "see" you back on FF, in fighting form! Going to CZ is a great idea. Reprofit has good success rates also. I loved CZ. We had a nice little holiday while we had treatment. I still think fondly of it. 
I don't post much anymore, as my DD is 7, and I'm not cycling at the moment, but I do lurk, to cheer everyone on! FF is hard to stay away from, as it is this site that gave me the support, information and the guts to go for DE. Without this forum, I don't think I would have known how to go abroad for affordable treatment.
Bundles is so right. Children keep us young and connected! The thought of living my life without my Daughter, just because I was older when I had DEIVF, is unthinkable. She is everything to me.
By the way I was 49 when I gave birth to her! I am in my 50's now and would love another child. You are a spring chicken Essie!
Energy generates energy! My energetic DD keep me fit and dialed into life. Most people believe I'm in my early forties. I believe they do because I have a young child and because I do what all the other Mum's do! Don't let age dictate what you should do or not do and don't live your life by others standards and experiences. They don't live your life! Ok I'm off my soapbox now!  
When my DD tells me I am the best Mum for her and there is no other Mother that is as wonderful as me and how much she loves me, my heart just melts. There is nothing better!
It IS going to happen for you Essie. Some of us take longer for our baby (ies), but persistence pays off! I agree that immunes are a must. My first cycle was a bust and I knew my immune system was acting up. my second cycle I added baby aspirin, B vitamins, clexane, steroids etc and bingo my DD came to be.
September seems a long wait. It would be good for you to check out other options in CZ also. Check the CZ forums for success rates, wait time etc. Some excellent clinics have little or no wait times. Dogus in Cyprus has very good success rates with Dr. Firdevs at the helm. You'll know which clinic feels comfortable to you when you talk with them.
This is exciting Essie! Your post inspired me to come out of lurk mode! I am looking forward to hearing about your cycle and reading about your BFP!  
Hi to everyone. Good luck Bundles. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your seaside cottage sounds dreamy. Your outlook is in line with mine. Nothing is impossible when we set our sights on it right?  What we have to give our little ones has nothing to do with money, it has to do with unconditional love, our time, security and other intangibles. When it is time to leave this earth our kids will have known they had the greatest life with us and it will carry them through the times when we aren't here. Quality is definitely more important than quantity in my estimation! Besides, what greater motivation is there to live a long, healthy life, than our children? 
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!    

[/size]Red


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Well said Red & thank-you   My OH & I always say that the best/richest thing we can give our children is our time.  I am one of those 'Go doers'   people always used to say to me - gosh is there nothing you can't do & I used to say 'plastering, I can get it up but I just can't get it smooth' !!! Well, little did I know that I also couldn't get pregnant with my own old eggs   BUT with DE I was back to my 'anything is possible'    I'm picturing Essie with a gorgeous DD (just like mine) but don't tell her  
xx


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## eiluj68 (Jan 11, 2012)

No you're not mad Essie 

I went to Gennet and became pregnant with DE just before my 46th birthday. We had our son last September and I turned 47 this January. It *is* hard at times but I don't think that's down to my age. It's just the same issues that a lot of other parents have to deal with - baby with colic, lack of sleep etc. I still see the other mums in our NCT group and although I'm the eldest I think I'm coping just as well as the rest of them. Of the 6 of us there are 3 in their 30's and 3 of us in our 40's. My DH is 52 so neither of us are spring chickens and we do worry about how this might adversely affect our son in the years to come. However, I think there are benefits to being older parents too and I agree with RED that having children keeps you mentally younger. No one I meet can ever believe I'm 47!

We plan to go back to Gennet in July/Aug this year to try for a sibling as we're fortunate enough to have frozen embryos from the same cycle that produced our DH.

Go for it Essie! Be prepared for everything that comes with a new born but you might be surprised at how well you manage. You sound like you'll make a fantastic mum and I wish you every success with whichever clinic you decide upon. I thoroughly recommend Gennet though


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

Can I ask and this is just a bit of silliness..... Are any of u ladies capricorns? Just because my ex was one and he said they age in reverse


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

LOL MissO, no Sagittarian but very close to the cusp of Capricorn


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Thanks for posting this Essie. I already have a DS who was born when I was 43. Before I had him I felt I was really too old, and that would be it. However, from the time he was 3 months old I have been desperate for another. My Mum keeps telling me I am too old, but I have now decided to try again. Haven't told my parents!! I'm 46 and still worry about what my parents will say!!!!


Anyway, I AM going for it but, like you, I worry all the time about when my DS is older and fear that I will die and leave him at too young an age. I am single so there is no partner - I do think maybe I should try and hook up a toy boy who would adopt my child(ren?) and live longer to continue taking care of them! However as I'm too knackered to even shave my legs on a regular basis the chances of me putting in the energy to date are slim!


I have asked my cousin to act as Guardian in my will (assuming my parents have passed by then), but I'm not sure how she and her hubby would feel if I had another. I have met people who had older parents and they worry about these things less, but people in my family have their kids young and all seem to die relatively young. The eldest was 77, although thinking about it, she had her 8th child at 48!!! (My great nan). 


Sorry, I'm rambling a bit and I know your issue is not about number two, but rather your age and I just wanted to say I still worry about these things, and STILL pursued my dream of having a child. It was the best thing I ever did!


Take care
GIA Too xx


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## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

I'm Aquarian, but just wanted to say hello, and wish Essie all the best for another round of treatment.

Giatoo - good on you for following your heart. xx

I can honestly say the idea that being a younger Mum makes  child rearing somehow easier or less tiring is most likely a fantasy!

I'm 43 and I look at my younger siblings and also younger friends in their 20's and 30's with kids and they all look knackered, I used to think it was just me being "no spring chicken". Having children is tiring and demanding, and I do think that when parents are older and more experienced they are more settled in themselves and are able to give a lot to their little ones.

I know this is cliche, but there is something to say about the wisdom that comes with age, and as someone has already said, older parents sometimes have achieved a level of acceptance of having filled their own life interests and therefore are able to be less wrapped up in trying to achieve things to satisfy their own needs; as this is actually satisfied from having the children they have dearly wanted for so long.

So I say go for it! the idea that it would all be better, less tiring and somehow easier is more of an illusion than rooted in reality.  Go check out the local playgroup - the teen moms and moms in their 20's & 30's all look just a knackered!!! 

LOL Daisy xOx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Essie my lovely I am soooooooooo pleased to see you have come out of this fighting fit and ready to go again.  As you know I have never once doubted that you will succeed and you WILL be a mummy.  You are just too determined and too nice not to be.  All good things come to those of us that wait- and for some of us that wait is just a little bit longer /harder.  But when you do get pregnant- and you will- and when you have your baby you will have all of us on ff firmly behind you! 

Age is not important.  There are many on this site older than you- and you don't look your age anyway!  Any child would be very lucky to have you as a mummy.  

Re the clinic follow your gut instinct.  I understand the wanting to rush in and not wait but if your heart is saying gennet maybe wait for them ( though both clinics are meant to be good!). I guess waiting would give you time to look at your immunes which I do think is important.  
Go for it honey.  I'm so pleased you didnt let your Xmas bfn and the horrible time you had beat you down. When you want something badly enough there is no choice but to pick yourself up and try try again. This will be your time- !!! 

Lots of love Louise xxx

Ps.  In reply to someone's earlier post you are a Capricorn aren't you Essie?  I know your birthday is a week apart from mine and I'm Capricorn !


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## Sashaj (Jul 25, 2011)

Essie hello honey. You know who I am......

I am so sorry to read that you've  had to go through so much since we cycled together back in 2012. I still remember how lovely and encouraging you were and people like you don't deserve this!!!! 

I just wanted to wish you all the best. I think you should go for it if you feel you would  have regrets later in life. With regards to your age, we never know what will happen to any of us. I know lots of friends with parents dying when they were young due to illness etc. I am one of them who lost her dad when I was young. Yes you could worry forever that you wont see your child growing old but then this could happend even if you had them in your twenties. The fact it that we don't know what is around the corner. It's best to live your life now and not worry about the future. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

Ps: I am Cezech and I can reassure you that Czech medical care is fantastic. So whichever hospital you choose  you will get the star treatment. I promise. 

Sending you love honey and I hope cycling in Czech will bring you luck. 

Keep in touch (please message me anytime if you need any info on Prague - I.e where to stay etc.)

Love

Sasha

Xxxx


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Essie - Glad to see you're ready to give it another go, I was  gutted for you when you got your last BFN. As for age, I think it is more about how we are as mums and not related only to age. You can get tired whatever your age. With age, comes life experience and there is evidence which shows that older mums are more likely to be able to help children with education, are most likely to encourage them to uni, having most likely gone to uni themselves, are more patient, more likely to breast feed etc, but I know there are lots of younger mums who do this as well, but this is one of the pluses. I was 46 when I had my DS who's now 7 months old, and I'm planning to try for no 2 later this year, so if I was lucky enough to get a BFP I'd be 48 when it's born. I'm coping fine - have support from family and friends ... All my work colleagues/friends are supportive of me being an older mum and they're always saying how lucky James is to have me as a mum! My health visitor said he's a credit to me! Obviously, being single, I do worry about the future, but I work and have savings put by. If anything happens to me, I've asked my sister to look after him and if she was unable to, have cousins, and a good friend who would step in. I've also started a savings account for James. I'll have a share of my mum's house in the future. My mother is 85, my aunt 88 and they're both independent and relatively fit so it can be a matter of outlook. 3 of my grandparents died at 92! I think older mums are also good at looking after their health. I work in a health visiting team, and some of my clients who are young, are not great parents. Thankfully I did not have any major problems in my pregnancy and my consultant was pleasantly surprised.
So, Essie, I say go for it! You're not too old
Deb


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Oh wow ladies..I'm so overwhelmed by your responses! Honestly, I feel so special 

Where do I start, I'll try respond to you all...but thank you all for sharing your thoughts and comments.

*Jade*..what an inspiration your grandmother was!

Hi *Babycakes*..thank you for sharing your heartwarming story about your dad and following my journey..I'll try to give you a happy ending read 

Hi *Ipomee* .. Interesting anecdote there! And what a lovely message to send about your friends and their children. I do feel that older mums have so much to offer in terms of stability, wisdom and self-belief.

*Goldbunny*.. Love your honesty  I've no doubt my body will be wrecked too but hope to be compensated with a blessing 

*MissOwen*..I hope to be able to answer your questions soon and no doubt they'll be similar to Bundles! though I'm not as fit as Bundles, I do hope to realise my second dream of owning a house by the sea  oh and I am a Capricorn!

Oh *RED* so nice of you to pop on! Reprofit was on our shortlist but they don't do embryoscope which is something we would be interested in, although having said that when I spoke to Sue ivf traveller she didn't think it was rated in Czech. Nice of you to say I'm a spring chicken but this chicken hasn't sprung for a quite a while 
Thank you for championing me on... It means a lot that we're still in touch after all this time and you still believe that it will happen for me  Hope you and DD are well.

Haha *Bundles* you crack me up... It's been said before though that people can see me with a DD..oh I do hope you're right 

*GIAToo*... Isn't it ridiculous that we still feel like we have to answer to or hide things from our mothers!  I won't be telling anyone this time including my parents, apart from anything I just wouldn't want to see the heartache in their eyes again, and of course I'm not entirely sure they'd be happy about me putting myself through another cycle. What a fantastic lady your nan must have been! Don't worry about rambling..I've done enough of that myself lately, but it's lovely hearing everyone's wonderful stories and experiences.

Hi *Daisy*.. Your post made me giggle but I know where you're coming from. I work in law involving children and some of the mums, young mums, do look older than me! I agree with your comments, cliche or not, re: wisdom etc, But personally I wont feel like I've achieved or feel fulfilled in life unless I have a child.. That must sound really sad, but it's how I feel just now. If we weren't to be blessed then I would have to do something radical with my life to feel a sense of purpose.

Oh *Louise* lovely.. Your post moved me to tears..DH came over to give me a hug when he saw the tears! Thank you for your encouragement and support. We've 'seen' each other go through so much, I'm going to make it my mission to join the mummy club with you! And how sweet of you to remember birthdays, yes I am a Capricorn, it would be too pompous to say I am young looking..... But I am . Hope all well with you and pregnancy a smooth one 

Hey *Sasha*! Blast from the past, I certainly do know who you are . I can't believe it was 2012 when we last cycled together..madness! Thank you for sharing your story..I'm so sorry you lost your dad when you were young  I totally take on board your point. A good one. 
Funny how we all have something in common but from all different kinds of backgrounds. I never knew you were Czech, not that I would have, but I appreciate you mentioning it and the advice about Czech clinics, it's good to know and thank you for invite to pm you.. Once decided I'm sure I'll have all kinds of questions!

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to read through your posts again as they were so informative and inspiring..just what I need!

Happy Valentines! 

Essie xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi Debs! Thank you so much for your post. Wow your family are inspirational as are you! Your mother sounds fitter than I am right now   good luck for this year. I hope you get that BFP, perhaps I'll see you on the pregnancy threads??  

Xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i have a theory about capricorns - though no idea if there is any truth in it - they are the hardest workers, and the thing is - they have no idea they're doing it. it's like, you ask a capricorn how much work they did on an assignment or something and they'll admit to double what everyone else did but still think they didn't try hard enough. it's like they just set the bar really really high in whatever they do, but don't see their own efforts as a big deal. it's kind of disturbing to us mere mortals but if you want a job done, i reckon hire a capricorn.


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Goldbunny.  Hehe. That made me giggle as its certainly not been me at work for a fair few years since I've been on the IVF road.  I've really coasted and been slack in my job!  Too many other important things I've been focused on- like back to back cycles ! 

Go for it Essie!  You sound a lot stronger than you have for a while!  This is your turn now!!!!


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## RED13 (May 8, 2005)

I'm a Capricorn too....


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## eiluj68 (Jan 11, 2012)

Capricorn here too


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Lol too funny  
xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

This is really bizarre..all these capricorns!  

Louise.. It's no wonder I sound a lot stronger now with all you empowering women behind me.. I liken myself to an old banger struggling to get up a steep incline and getting to the top with the help of a push of encouragement   xx


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

more than a coincidence surely and I thought it was all just a bit of fun   

Miss Aquaruis (sorry can't remember who said they were) u r ruled by the same planet as capricorn which is responsible for ageing backwards   

Miss saggy hairy   you guys like a challenge right


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi ladies...update for you,

Today I've had a wobble. Yesterday DH and I were godparents at a Christening and whilst I was a bit apprehensive the christening itself was lovely and I spent most of the time holding our goddaughter.  It was afterwards, at the get together,, when my parents had left and the more mature end had gone home, leaving all the friends with families, their babies and toddlers.  They were all busying exchanging baby stories, chasing after toddlers, cooing over each other's babies, then there were DH and I sat at a table looking on, feeling sad. I felt like we stuck out like a sore thumb. It became so overwhelming in the end we made our excuses and left... To an empty house. All I could think about were the people we left behind oblivious to the fact that whilst they'd go home to their chaotic, may be agumentative, but wonderful family life, we were sat at home wondering what to do with ourselves. 

This morning I had a mini meltdown; crying over infertility, babies lost, weight gain, energy loss, feeling old, not recognising myself in the mirror, not liking what was looking back at me and hating the way it was all making me feel, the way infertility has changed me. 

Then we went to Asda. A teenage girl with two little ones holding everyone up arguing with the cashier about using her tokens, quite loudly I must say. Turns to me and says sorry but you know how it is when you've kids"...... I'm ashamed to say that I just turned and said "no, i don't!" .. I would never ever say anything like that ordinarily. It's just not me, but I couldn't help myself and then I felt bad for IF getting the better of me and making me lose my self control. 

Anyway, then we came home to an email from Sue ivf traveller to say she's spoken to Gennet and she can still get treatment appointments for July, instead of September. So, I compiled a reply to say we've decided to go with Gennet, hovered over the 'send' button for a few minutes with DH watching over me, then SEND! I've done it! No turning back, we're doing this and I feel scared, apprehensive, overwhelmed, but also excited too. This is it... I AM going to be a mummy!!  

Essie xx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Essie!    Yes you are indeed ! You are going to be a mummy and well done for pressing the send button. Good choice.  Onwards and upwards sweetie.  

Well done for enduring a christening. I'm ashamed to say I have avoided all baby/child things with friends like the plaque  these past few years.  And well done for your reply in asda.  I've said similar to people before.  Annoys me how people just assume!!!

July will be here before you know it.  How exciting xxx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Essie - well done for hitting the send button and great news that you can go in July now. I do remember how hard it is. The worst time for me was when I found out that my cousin was going to be a grandmother before I was a mother (obviously at that point I wasn't sure if it would ever happen). The rest of the family were completely oblivious to how I was feeling. I snapped at my Mum too when she told me how another cousin ( who was only a year younger than me!) was pregnant with her fifth child by the 4th man!    I have 26 cousins all told and the have all pretty much got pregnant easily or by accident, two were both 44 and had only one Fallopian tube each! It seems I was the only one who went through menopause early too. Oh well, guess I'm just the special one   


Anyway, all that is really to say I do know how hard it is and don't beat yourself up about it 


Take care
GIA Too xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks *Louise* .. Must admit glad christening over.. The Asda girl was just one more assumption too many. Oh and just been told my youngest cousin, 20's, is pregnant. She's the last remaining one, well apart from me  Deep breaths . Feeling quite nervous now but have paperwork to get together to keep my mind busy.

Hi *GIAToo*..I can so relate to all the cousins and pregnancies. And i also have one with children from different partners  I have quite a large family and I can already hear the jungle drums *when* they hear of my *pregnancy*.... See what I did there . Thanks for your support, hope all well with you 

Xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Essie-I waited and waited thinking I would have no problem getting pregnant, because I had been pregnant more than once before and I had been told I was really fertile by a doctor, but I hadn't been ready when I was younger, so I terminated them. It's just the truth. And I also didn't realize the effects of getting older because that information really isn't told to women. I wish it was. So by the time I was really ready, I was too old and had to do IVF. I got pregnant the first time I tried luckily, but hadn't had any problems other than age so not surprising, just very happy and blessed, and I was 46 years old, had the baby at age 47. Then a few years later, I really wanted a sibling, and didn't realize they had an age requirement in Europe of age 50. The panic that I felt trying and wanting to get pregnant with a sibling for DD before age 50 was way worse than my worrying about being old with my children. I tried with all of my 5 frosties that were left over from the first procedure three times, and it took 4 times-the fourth one I had to do fresh donor because the first 3 times didn't work and I had used up all of my frosties. Then all I was worried about was getting pregnant before the cut-off at age 50. I used to worry about age, but all that went out the window trying to get pregnant again. If you have help you'll be fine, plus I've always worked out and exercised. If you stay in shape and exercise I wouldn't worry about it along with having help-from husband, friends, paying for babysitters/nannies. It is totally worth it. You will love your child so much! I used to worry about age, but when I was trying to get pregnant that was all I worried about. And when I became pregnant, I was so joyful and grateful that was all I cared about. And when I had them and they were healthy ( I had twins) that also made me so happy that was all I cared about. And now that I have them I am so busy raising my children I don't have time to worry about being old.   
What happens truly, is that when you become pregnant and give birth it changes you in ways you can't explain until you experience it, and there is nothing else like it, and then being old doesn't matter so much. And I am a single mother with no family support. I do worry about age once in a while, but if you have help you'll be ok. And some people live to their 90's.
P.S. If you have immune issues, I have hears Serum in Greece is a good clinic for that-just fyi.
Missowen: I am a Capricorn. December 29th. I hope that's true!


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Essie - sorry you felt wobbly - but keep thinking you're a strong, wonderful person and you will be a mum! 
Before I was pregnant, I always felt it hard when work colleagues talked about children and in my job, I was always surrounded by babies - but we get through it.
I always wanted a family but was never lucky enough to meet the right man, so finally decided to go for it as a single mum. If you read the 'Daily Mail' etc they are always against single mums, older mums ... so I just ignore it! Good for you Essie, making the decision. It's daunting doing it on your own, so at least you have support with your partner. I have good family and friends, but I know it's mainly me and my little man. I was 47 when he was born, and if I'm lucky enough to get no 2, I'll be 48 when the baby's born. I know it's the right decision.
Deb


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Essie  I am just so excited for you hitting send. 2015 WILL be your year, and just remember, we are all here to prop you up when you have a wobble    
xx


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Phew GG & Essie, keeping you two together is going to make my life easier watching over you     I knew it was fate me taking the Czech boards  
xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi *Soho* - thanks for sharing your story  It is so hard when the decision to have children is taken out of your hands. Like you, when I was younger children didn't come into the equation and I hadn't met anyone I wanted to settle down with, then much much later when I met DH and wanted a child with him I was told I was post menopause and probably had gone through it when I was 36! Of course, someone telling me I couldn't have my biological child made me want it even more  Still, I'm so ever grateful for being able to have donor eggs. I do still worry about being an older mum but as you say I'm sure that will become less significant when baby arrives. I do need to work on the exercise though!! 

Hi *Debs*  I can relate to the babies at work scenario. For every loss I've had, there has been a pregnancy (6 in all) and they've all been at the same time as my loss - why on earth they couldn't be a few months down the line or earlier heaven only knows. It was like a kick in the teeth. In fact my last due date was this February (6th), same as a colleague... luckily our paths don't cross much! Our paths have crossed before in the past and I'm so pleased to see you've achieved your dream family 

*Gailgegirl *- can't wait to be cycle buddies, wouldn't that be bizarre after all we've bee through together! Bizarre but wonderful!

*Bundles* - there's no escaping us now! We'll keep you busy 

xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Oh gosh, things are moving fast ladies!

Just heard from Sue ivf traveller, she's secured July 17th for treatment and May 26th for consultation..yikes!

I'm not sure what happens, whether consultation will be by Skype or not, never used it before. I've used FaceTime..is that the same? Sorry I'm prehistoric when it comes to technology!  And how come they can set a treatment date without having matched me with a donor? Not even sent questionnaire off yet. 

Essie xx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Wow Essie.  Fantastic news. That is moving fast.!  Good though.  Not sure how gennet work but hopefully someone will be along to answer soon-----

Really pleased for you. Well done for getting back on the crazy rollercoaster! 

Xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks Louise.. My hearts beating like the clappers   xx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Can imagine.  You've been given another chance.  This just HAS to be the one.  It has to!!!! So excited for you !!!!


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

I feel so overwhelmed Louise   I'm a born worrier, always romping ahead of myself.. I'll feel a bit better when I've got paperwork together and I've had tests done that I need.  It's got to be the one this time..just got to be   Xx


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Essie, my last transfer was the 17th July & here I am  The 17th is a bit of a number for us so that's why we chose it ! I am thrilled for you 
Post your questions on the Gennet cycle thread. I'm pretty certain they Skype but the ladies will tell you  
I'm just sorting loads of info for travelling to Gennet, so you're in luck 

xx

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=330564.650


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks Bundles.. I've drafted a post for Gennet thread but there are ladies waiting for replies to questions on there and I don't want to gatecrash and jump in with mine. I'll post at a more opportune moment   xx


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Essie.....,.I'm so pleased to see your post!
I always follow your posts to see how u r doing.
I really want you to achieve your dream.

Love,
Morganna xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Cheers *Gailgegirl*.. I knew you'd come up trumps  that's really helpful. I've just downloaded Skype. I'll read up on it tomorrow.. Off to bedski.. Brain mashed!

Xx
Ps. Thanks for pm. Will reply asap xx

Aw thanks *Morganna*! I've been keeping an eye on you also (in a non stalkerish way!). Sounds like your little bundle of joy is keeping you busy... And ecstatically happy  xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

the 17th is definitely an auspicious date


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

It certainly seems that way   I hope to carry on the trend!


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck in your journey to Prague
I hope it work out for you.

Are you mad having a go at 46? no way!!!  

xx


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

I don't think age matters as well 
Essie don't give up that is what I say
xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Aw thanks Shoegirl   I still feel quite aware of my age and I know family and some friends will shake their head in either disbelief or disapproval when they find out, but by then I won't give a damn because I'll be pregnant!   

Xx


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

Essie - it is none of anyone's business that you are pregnant.

When do you start your treatment? Currently I am cycling with IB Alicante and have just started my mock cycle and going out in a few weeks for a hysteroscopy/endo biopsy and scratch in one go!
I am hoping for EC and ET to be start of April 
xx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Not until 17th July..Skype consult in May.  They've suggested they might want me to have a hysteroscopy too..Have you had one before? I don't know much about them. I've had scratch, took some painkillers and hardly felt a thing.  Oh gosh April not far away! I'll make sure I keep an eye on your progress. Really hope this is the one for you   Xx


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## eiluj68 (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi Essie,
Great news on the July date. You'll be just a week ahead of me  
Where in the UK are you based? If you need to have a hysteroscopy you can now have it at City Fertility in London for just £90 if you're one of their patients. I would expect that this extends to all Gennet patients whether or not you're going via the London clinic, but worth checking if you want to avoid an extra trip to Prague.


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Essie.........I only told a trusted friend that I was trying.
My family were completely in the dark.
I have 5 sisters ........nieces and nephews who have their own kids.
I broke the news when I was 4 months pregnant.
I thought I would get negativity.
I was shocked and surprised to see there was so much positivity!!!
This baby bought a lot of happiness to a lot of people.
I am so thankful and delighted that I was so wrong!!

And 2 months later I am still receiving lovely responses.
You will be surprised !!
Love
Morganna xxx


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

Hi Essie,

I am having a hysteroscopy/endo biopsy and scratch all in one go in 2 weeks.  I am flying to Spain for this as it is cheaper.  I am nervous as have never had a hysto before and I will only be on very strong painkillers and valium!!! I have been told it will be over within 15 minutes!!

July is not long and it will give your body some time to recharge and rest. Will you be having a mock cycle?
XX


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

thanks gailgegirl 

this is really useful information

X


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks *GG* - so helpful as usual 

I'm not sure about mock cycle *Shoe*, it's not been mentioned yet. I've never been to another clinic let alone abroad before so not sure whether they do things differently there.. I've never had a mock cycle before - will this be due to it being DE??

Hi *Eiluj* - may be our paths will cross on the 2ww threads! I'm about a 4 hour drive away from London, near Manchester, but could go on train which isn't too bad. We keep saying we fancy a trip to London, so could kill two birds with one stone. Thanks for the info 

*Morganna *- how wonderful you've got such good support and such an unexpected positive response. I can't see how anybody couldn't be overjoyed with the news of another child in the family, no matter how old the parents.

xx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Morganna - your story gives me hope that my friends and family will all be happy if I have another one at my age!


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Yes ladies..........everyones hearts just melt when they see Pippa.
She really is absolutely exquisite!!!
God bless the donors!!!
I'm so lucky.
But hard work and determination, pays off!! I would have gone on and on until I got her!! 
Keep on going Essie. We all want you to get your wee baby!!!
M. Xxxx


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## minxy1969 (Aug 13, 2014)

Hi, 

A massive hug to you!  I was 43 when I had my daughter and it does scare me that when she is 40, I will be 83.  I am an older mum but I try to keep as fit as possible and believe I am young at heart.  My parents are in their early 80s and they are fantastic for their age - fit and healthy. When I went for IVF I just knew I had to try and if it didn't work then I was going to go down the adoption route. I am lucky it worked and I count my blessings every day. 

I believe parenting is about instinct so age doesn't come into it.  To be honest, I think I am a better mum than I would have been at 30! I am calmer, I appreciate my daughter so much, every day with her is precious. I have friends in their 30s who get fed up, want to go out at night, need a life apart from being a mum. Whereas I just love being a mum.

You have to do everythign so you have no regrets at 50.  Have you looked at another clinic that might see you sooner?  I understand the age thing. I am 45 and starting treatment for FET.  I knew I had to do it sooner rather than later as every month counts.

I wish you all the luck in the world.  Don't be scared about the older parent thing, think about the positives that come with it :-0


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks *Morganna*..means a lot all you ladies are behind me and keeps me going 

*GG*..as always thanks for the info! I've never been told I have lining issues but then again I'm not convinced my last clinic did all they could test wise. May be once Gennet see my notes they'll decide that my lining could be better. We never even spoke to or saw our consultant on our last cycle.. We got the feeling they'd given up on us . Already I feel Gennet get much more involved with you and genuinely want to see you pregnant.

Thanks for the hug *Minxy*  I love hearing success stories, so happy you got yours  I feel quite optimistic about this cycle, then again i did for all my cycles but this time we're doing something completely different I.e. Going abroad and I feel excited at the prospect. I'm happy with the clinic we've chosen. There was a long waiting list, September for treatment, but we're lucky to have got in sooner in July. That should give me enough time to get my fitness levels up, and weight off . With each cycle it's got harder to lose the weight, plus just gone 46,but I'm really trying hard, with walks, little jogs, exercise dvd.. I'm the kind of person who needs someone to push me so it doesn't come easily so I feel quite proud of myself 

Good luck and all the best for your FET 

Essie xx


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## ZM (Feb 20, 2015)

I just wanted to pop in and say good luck to you! You seem like an immensely strong person, and I really wish you all the luck in the world


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you *ZM*.. I really appreciate your kind words. I'd say 50% strength comes from within and 50% from the wonderful support on FF 

xx


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## TrionaT (Sep 30, 2013)

.Hi Essie Jean,

Sounds like you are not ready to give up yet and its not too late!!

I would recommend trying sooner than September though as that seems like a long wait. The clinic I went to in Zlin , Czech Republic was really efficient. You don't need to wait months for a consultation you can just contact them directly and come on your next cycle. They can organize immunes or whatever you need. I'd also recommend Reprofit in Brno. Are you trying donor eggs? I think your chances of a cycle working with DE would be much higher. I know a lot of ladies ,all in their 40's have had success there recently. What I like about them is if you have a BFN cycle , you can go back the next cycle and try again, there is no waiting around. The age limit is 50 but over 50 you'd need to go to Cyprus I think so would be difficult to get embryos moved if you've not used them by then , but not impossible.I've heard Serum in Greece is good too, I would forget Gennet if they are making you wait that long ( you don't need a consultation in Zlin months ahead of time, in fact one over the phone is enough and their english is perfect).. Best of luckxx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi *TrionaT*..thank you for your support! I've actually got in sooner than September. Gennet did quote September but I'm going through Sue the ivf traveller and she's managed to secure a date in July with consult in May which suits us as we need time to prep our bodies, well more me than DH but even so he needs to get his tiddlers in top form 

I went through early menapause so DE has only ever been an option for me but I'm so grateful for the chance to try for a baby.

Zlin was a bit expensive for us and we've got a discount for Gennet thanks to the generosity of a lovely fertility friend, but we were impressed with Zlin all the same.

I see from your signature you got your BFP in January.. I hope all is going smoothly for you.

Thanks for the best wishes 

Essie xx


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

Definitely not crazy, I've had 4 children in my forties with the first 2 conceived naturally and the twins using d/e and gave birth to them at the ripe old age of 47 and looking at going back for my frosties next yr when I'll be 49 , 46, your still a spring chicken!! Good luck


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks *Stacey*..I've not been called a spring chicken in a LONG TIME 

I do still have wobbles about age when I'm alone with my thoughts but then I think I'm a young 46 and so is DH and not to worry too much about what family and friends say.. I'm living MY life, not theirs. This feels right to us, end of  I just hope I get lucky this time 

Congratulations on the birth of your twins and good luck for next year! Ladies like yourself are a true inspiration to me.

Thanks again for the support.

Essie xx


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

We'll I have to admit I'm having the odd wobble about being 49, wish I could go this year but twins would be to young to travel so far and we will make a holiday out of it. Yes it's your life, remind yourself your a spring chicken and my birthday really stopped at 45 lol


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