# Hi, I'm not coping very well



## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi. Really don't know how to cope anymore. I find it hard to accept I'll never have a child of my own. I try not to think about it but its always there. Still think about baby i m/c even though i was only 5 and a half wks. People around me all have kids. Why am i the one being punished. My endo is flaring up again so face another operation too. I'm very lucky to have my dh but know I'm not expecting too much wanting us to be a family. We are going to adopt if were accepted but thats a while off. We have to wait 6 months after m/c to start. The girl i work with is 33wks pregnant too through ivf and even though am happy for her is a constant reminder what i have lost. Sorry if i have ranted on. X


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## honeypinkblonde (Jun 3, 2009)

hi just read your post and wanted to say i'm thinking of you.i had a m/c before my son 7yrs ago(we've been ttc our third for 2.5yrs)at 5wks and it was heartbreaking.all of your dreams are destroyed and its hard for people to understand.my m/c was 6days before my wedding and no-one knew,there was a lot of tears that week.you need to grieve and hurt.sending you my best wishes and i'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon.


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## honeypinkblonde (Jun 3, 2009)

i'm sorry if i've affended you by mentioning children,i'm still getting the hang of these boards(and computers in general!)


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

I don't know what to say to help - the question "why me?" is one that I suspect everyone who has suffered IF and mcs and other losses after trying so hard to have a family feels. I certainly say that every day. I am so sorry for your loss - it does not matter that it was an early loss - you had started to allow yourself to dream again and think that maybe this time it was going to be you. When that dream is wrenched from you, it is totally understandable that you feel so bereft and alone. The whole world feels suddenly full of pg women and babies. You are not alone on FF because sadly there are so many ladies who suffer like this, but only you can truly know how YOU feel on your own unique "journey". We can only try and empathise and offer you some support. 

I too had a mc in November and am still trying to get my head round that and my very strong feelings. I too have endo, and the daily worry that every month that goes by, it is getting worse. *Everyone* we know has children and I have found myself isolating myself from friends since my mc. It was like the final straw. I am 41 and my chances of ever being a mother to a live child are seriosuly diminished and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I am sorry I do not have any words of wisdom as to how to get through this time, because I am still trying. I just consider that I have done well if I get up and try and function "normally" some of the time. The rest of the time, I have to remember to be kind to myself and not beat myself up when I am crying or so sad that it feels like my heart is breaking again.

I hope you will try and be kind to yourself - what you are going through is so hard and the fear of yet another operation, yet another period of recouperation after that etc is just an added stress you do not need. Added to that the pain of endo that you have to deal with....... argghhhhhh! 

Sorry to go on, but just wanted you to know you have my support and I really hope that helps even a little - I think you replied to a post of mine, and I know it really helped to hear from people who had some kind of understanding about what we were feeling - none of our friends have any idea!

Take care and look after yourself 
Nbr68xxx


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## Spirit2 (Sep 29, 2009)

Hello,

I have had the worst year of my life. I had a large fibroid removed via abdominal myomectomy last year, I lost my Grandad whilst I was in hospital and my lovely Dad has just passed away. All the while the stress of TTC has taken it's toll on my marriage. We have also suffered an early miscarriage We have just had our first round of IUI which has failed and they have found another small fibroid.

I am so worried how quickly a fibroid came back and how can I stop it getting worse. Can they remove fibroids again if they are problematic or do they just monitor them? What is going on in my body that has suddenly caused me to get them and how can I help myself? I just feel with getting older and having this I am on limited time to achieve what I have wanted for so long.

Anyway, my younger sister has just announced she is pregnant. I am devastated as she is due when I would have been. I cry every day about wanting to be a mum and it not happening. How can I watch my sister bloom and be around all the baby talk and all the cute stuff particularly as she is due when I would have been. I really wanted to share these experiences with my Mum first but now feel like the older redundant one.  I don't want this to sound the wrong way but I just don't know how I can be around there as I cannot bear seeing pregnant women in the street or at work or hearing people talk about their families. It will be everywhere I look now and I cant take it. I have just had more than enough and now I have to deal with this.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know where else to turn


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## michelleD (Oct 24, 2008)

Hi ladies

Only just found this thread, but am reassured that im not the only one out there struggling to cope with the possibility of never having my own child. Why is it that we do not know anyone in our own lives who is going through the same thing?
Just had 2nd failed ivf and not sure where to go from here. Exhausted by whole process and so tired of crying and feeling miserable. Im so glad im not the only one who feels as if there are babies and pregnant women everywhere. I feel so bitter and i know its not healthy, but just so angry. Why not me? Whats wrong with me? 

Im back at work tomorrow after 4 weeks off (for treatment) and im dreading it. I know a colleague of mine has recently announced she is pregnant and im dreading seeing her. I don't think i have it in me to feign happiness for her. My work place is filled with pregnant colleagues and im also an A&E nurse, so i look after a lot of babies. My best friend is due this week. Not seen her for a few weeks. Not sure how ill react when i see her and her new baby.

Sorry about the me post. This is the only outlet i have. Its this or cry again.
So thankful for FF and all of you ladies who share the same pain


xxx


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## honeypinkblonde (Jun 3, 2009)

hi i just wanted to send you .its so hard when you have to deal with babies and bumps,i've started telling myself that seeing babies is a sign for me not to give up,reminding me what a special thing i want.i'm starting to believe it!if its to hard at the moment maybe you could be honest how you feel,some will be more supportive than you think.some of the babies you see will probably have taken a long time to conceive,it helps me to think this.right now you need to grieve and then get strong again.i have this feeling bitter thing aswell but trying to think more positive has helped.i hope you start feeling better soon.take care of yourself


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## Angels4Me (Apr 8, 2006)

Hi all

Thought I would join you as feeling the same.

Reading your posts brought tears to my eyes. I really feel for you and totally understand.    

Im 45 this summer and have no children. I met my lovely DP only in 2007. I spent too long with the wrong partners in the past. Obviously, I regret that now. Never ever thought it would be me who was childless. We had our 2nd ivf feb 2010, both bfn's. I have been feeling low last couple of days and I know this is part of the grieivng process. I havnt given up altogether, but it just seems too much at the moment to make another IF plan for tx. I have had 3 peeps offer me eggs recently, one being my niece, which i would love but i fear she is too young at 19. My eggs appear good (although can not know at my age - even with a microscope). I have Adenomyosis so i dont think they have implanted because of this. I also have a sharp needle like/bursting paint in exaclty the same place any time of the month also a week before and during AF - never known what this is. Anyway, i digress.  Last week I was throwing my head on my pillow crying, my DP must have felt helpless but i think its the first time I realised i may not have a child with my oe if at all. I feel for over two years i have seen loads of pg woment everywhere, women that didnt even want to be pg. Women my age pg......just not me. Im so angry and upset, i feel if i dont express it it will turn into depression, which it has a little. We only failed in Feb 10 so i still need to gather myself. And yes, I do feel some bitterness.

I hope some of you have gathered yourselves together and are finding another way. 

Nicola: I read lots of peeps have children with endo and you are much younger than me so have some time left.  Hope you are feeling a little better now


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hiya peeps

Hope everyone is feeling a bit better.

Angels4me-    Bless ya sweetie. Is such a hard thing to comes to terms to accepting that you wont have biological children. Don't think i ever will, suppose it just gets easier (i hope   ).
Sorry for your bfn's too, hope you find the strength to carry on with your journey.

Honeypinkblonde- nice attitude to have hun, sorry to read of your m/c and at what should of been a happy time.  

michelle- how was work hun. Is hard seeing people pregnant and with babies/children  

spirit- sending you big hugs sweetie, hope your feeling bit better now, you have had a rough time.
Here if you need a chat or pm me hun   

Nbr68- thanks for your post, i do remember you.
Its so hard when everone you know has children, we are in the same situation, as are most peeps i think.
Hows things with you.


As for me, have booked open evening for adoption in 9 wks.
Am booked in with gyny to see what is to be done with me  
My doc thinks they'll put me on the pill rather than operate.
I know my eggs are crap anyhow and as only have my tube left to my poorest ovary know the chance of a miracle is 1 trillion to 1.
We have booked day off after appointment with gyny for some much needed cheer me up shopping  

Takr care

nicola x x


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