# SKYBLUS ADOPTION JOURNEY



## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi ladies after being a member on ff for a year now, I have allways wanted to do my own diary but didn't really think anyone would read it, but by reading other peoples
diaries it does seem they are read, so hear goes.

Some of you who know me may know some of my journey already so bear with me  

A little about me to start off.

I have known from the age of 23 that I would properly never have my own children.
I stared my AF when I was 13 and from the very beginning I suffered from really bad period pains, only to be told by my GP it was normal and just take a couple of paracetamol's
and a warm hot water bottle.
By the time I was 17 my perants were so worried about the pains I was in they paid for me to see a private gyne, which really was a waste of time.
All he said was that my uterus was averted and I properly had irritable bowel syndrome, he gave me some pain killers and sent me home.
After many years of pain and feeling like ending it all, I met my husband who was also very consurned about the amount of pain I was in and didn't think it was normal.
I'm now 23 years and have 2 weeks to go before I married and I am in agony in work, when my boss phones for an ambulance, the paramedics ask me if I am pregnant as the huffing 
and panting I was doing was very similar to a lady in labour. I assured the paramedic I was not pregnant and I was very much like this every month for about 3 days.
When I finally saw someone I was told I was indeed pregnant and was having a misscarage, and looked like I had something called endometriosis.
I could not believe it (1) I was pregnant and (2) I finally had a name for my pain.
I was upset I had a miscarrage yes but not as much as I think I should of been.
I think because I didn't know and that the fact that I had finally had a name for my pain, which was just fantastic.
I was told I didn't need a D&C as every thing looked clean!!!
We were told to "go and get married and enjoy your honeymoon, and I will see you in about 6 weeks to try and sort things out" He also gave me some painkillers and sent us on our way.

The wedding was great the start of our honeymoon was great but towards the end I was in pain again.
3 weeks before I was due to go and she my consultant I was rushed to A&E again and this time the scan showed I had a cyst the size of a melon on my right ovary.
I was operated on the next day.
I was told my ovary had been saved but they had to cut a bit of it off and I had extreme endo.
It was a possability that me having a baby might be difficult but not impossible. I was put on a drug to give my ovaries a rest for six months and some strong painkillers.
A year later things where very much the same as far as the pain was concerned as soon as I took painkillers for a few months my body would get used to them and have to
try something else. I was then given Fentanyl which was great, I started on a 25mcg patch and I am now on 200mcg patches. Put this has been a god send and the pain is not so bad and I top it
up with Oramorph when needed.
It was then decided as I hadn't got pregnant after trying for a year we started a course of clomid.
The first course was abandoned as I produced to many eggs.
The next course went completely tits up, when I went for my final scan to see if I to many eggs or not, the nurse said " are you in any pain love" with a response, " I am in pain every bloody day"
She asked for me to wait in the waiting room for a few minutes, and the worst thing was I was on my own and didn't know what was happening.
I was then told to follow a nurse who was taking me to see someone else. When I asked what was wrong and what was going on I was told "you are going to see someone who knows 
what they are doing!!!!!!!!
I ended up having another scan and an internal, when my consultant walked in, looking very sorry for himself and had the exact same scan and internal again when he said
"I am very sorry but you need an emergency operation and I am afraid I can't do it and need to send you to Cardiff where they have an expert surgeon on endometriosis and you need to
go today asap" and all the while he was holding my hand and I was crying like I have never cryed before.

That was the day my life changed for ever.
I had my operation that night and I was down in theater for 7 hours as they freed my uterus from my bowel and took out my right ovary and tube, along with a 6lb cyst!!!!!!
I was told a few days later that having a baby naturally was almost impossible as I had the worst kind of endo he had ever seen.
The next few months I was put through a faux menopause with the dreaded Zoladex.

Over the next few years things didn't get much better and had many more operations to clean out endo and adhesions and eventally I had my left tube taken out and more
Zoladex, only that Zoladex was only making the endow grow back, it had a reverse affect on me and only happens to hand full of women.
Then IVF became available on the NHS,we just could not afford to pay for it. So I had another cleanout op and had IVF 3 months later.
I was very negative about it all from day one, My first scan showed a little cyst but we carried on, and after all  that medication I ended up with only 1 follicle.
We were told we could abandon this cycle and start another in a few months, but something was telling me to carry on, and YEYE we had a BFP.
We were on cloud nine not only was I pregnant I was also told my endo should settle down after the baby was born and should be pain free for at least 2 years.
I had the most horrendous morning sickness but that was o.k I was having a baby.
We had a 7 week scan and saw our tiny little bean with a tiny heart beat, we were so over whelmed that we were crying one minute and grinning like Cheshire cats the next.
We had a 9 week scan and still horrible sickness,but this time all we saw were glum faces, our baby had died. At first I couldn't believe it and demanded on someone else do the scan,
But in my heart I knew this scan was not the same, even I could not see that little flicker of a heart beat we saw a few weeks earlier.
A week later I had to abort my baby has my body would not dispel it naturally, that was most heart wrenching thing I ever had to do, even though I knew our baby was dead I felt like
I was killing it all over again.

I found the misscarrage very difficult and went see a physcolagist and kept on seeing her for about a year.
Even though we said we would only do IVF once, as only one go was available on the NHS then, but we had to try again after all I got pregnant last time I will again, but no it is not a simple
as that. The endo was getting worse so the embryos would not implant.
I went for my final clean out op in December 2009 before trying IVF one last time, this was my sixth go at IVF and my 15th operation.
DISASTER  my last op was not good, my surgeon opened me up and closed me up again, I now had stage 4 endo with a frozen pelvic, which meant every internal organ in my pelvic area 
was now all stuck together and that open surgery and a hysterectomy was now the only option.
As my surgeon knew we were embarking on our final IVF he gave us our blessing and wished us all the luck in the world, even though it didn't look good, it was not impossible.
And guess what, I did get pregnant, again on cloud nine but I could not relax asI was just waiting for something to go wrong.
I was right 2 days before our seven week scan I was rushed into A&E at 4.00am bleeding like a pig and in agony.
Yes it had happened again, but I couldn't let this be my last go. After many arguments and tears my DH let me try one more last time and threatened that he was going to leave if I was going to try again
if this one failed. I had the best treatment and had the most follices than any other goes I had . I had 6 follicles and at EC had 6 eggs, fantastic.
The next day I had the call to say that none of my eggs had fertilised. We were gutted out of all the IVFS we had this is the only one were I had no embryo to put back in.

That was it, it was all over, the next few days went by in a blur neither of us were talking to each other, we just didn't know what to say to each other.
I felt I failed as a woman as a wife as a daughter, granddaughter everything and top it off my niece announces she is pregnant with her second child. Great.
That night I told hubby that no matter what we were going to be a family and that we should look into adoption instead of talking about it.( which we had done before we
started IVF, but never did anything about it)
The next few days we talked about adoption and decided we should put our intrest in and see what they say.
They said that we would need to wait 6 months, I said we were sure and that we had a few months of grieving and that we wanted to move on asap.
2 days later we had a fact booklet and some forms to fill in. We filled them and sent them the same day.
The next week we had a phone call to say a s/w was coming to see us in January 4th 2011. OMG!!!!!!

January 4th came and the s/ws were lovely and asked quite a few questions about us and our IVF journey which is when I started crying and thinking that it they are 
going to make us wait 6 months. But as time went on I relaxed a bit and when asked again about the misscarages I managed to hold it together and then they asked
how was I coping with my illness and what medication I was on.
The interview went well and 2 weeks later we were told as we had just missed out on the prep course which was in December the next one would not be until
June2011, but they were happy to except us and would be inviting us to a information meeting and then we would start the prep.
The information meeting was an eye opener but very informative and did not put us off. Also a friend of mine from collage was also there and had not seen him for 
over 20 odd years.
The time went quite quick and June was soon upon us.
Now the nerves started, I felt sick I was shaking I was a right mess, but as soon as we had a coffee and met the other couples I soon relaxed and enjoyed our first day.
The prep course went quite quick but found a lot of it very negative, they only seemed to talk about the worsted case scenarios instead of the happy stories.
Next we had the abuse and the neglect which again was hard, but again these things happen and in todays time should not happen and children should be better
monitored by SS, but when I heard there are only 3 part time and 3 full time s/w working in my la I was shocked.
The homework was quite good and there was a project were we had to do a time line of our life's and I was supprised how much of my DH childhood I didn't know.
Also we had mothers who had adopted and us their stories, one had a very chalangeing child the other one had what I would call a perfect child who settled very quickly while
the other one took his time.

Now the prep courses are over, we had to submite our intrest again and then wait for a s/w to be assigned to us.
We have kept in touch with some of the other couples and are meeting up for a Sunday lunch on Sunday as it would be lovely to catch up to see where everyone are
in their adoption journey, although out of 8 couples only 1 dropped out, which was a shame but they just were not ready.
While we were waiting for our prep course I was told I need a hysterectomy and between us all we decided it would be better all round as my endo is getting worse and 
I want to be a healthy mummy. Only problem is I have not told our s/w this as I worried she would stop us doing the prep course and make us wait another year or so.
I hope she wont be to mad with us as my op is not until October and I cant see us getting to panel until next February,March 2012 and by then I would of recovered.

Last Thursday we had a letter to say that assessment would be starting on the 16th August and that we had been assigned a s/w, so tomorrow is D- day.
Only we have another stumbling block, I went to see my GP this morning as I have been having numbness and coldness in my left leg and I now need to go for an 
MRI scan as he thinks that the endo is now spread to my spine and sciatic nerves!!!!!!!!!
When will all this sh*t end, it seems to be one thing after another and feels like I have not got a hope in hell of having child any time soon.

If you are still with me, thank you for taking time out on ready my adoption diary so far.
Hopefully all will go well tomorrow and we will start our homestudy.
Wish me luck for tomorrow.
Skyblu.xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

16 August.

Well today went very well, we did the CBR checkforms and had a little chat about wether we need counseling for the Ivf.
I made it quite clear, as we will never forget our lost babies we have moved on and are now focused on adoption.
I told them about my upcoming hysterectomy and was adviced to continue with the assessment and then take about 4/6 weeks to recover and then continue. But their manager will we have the final say and if she feels that we have to wait until the op, we won't have a say, but they said they didn't think it will any use in delaying the home study and will fight my corner, so fingers crossed.
Our dog Zac was on his best behaviour ever and were so pleased and they loved him to bits.

Now all I need to do is wait for a phone call to say whether we can go ahead or wait until the op and have a date for home study to start.
We have also had home work to do allready and was quite surprised by this.
Hope I have good news to write next time.

Skyblu.x


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## [Katie] (May 14, 2004)

Hi Skyblu.

I didn't know your history before I just read your diary and I cannot believe just how much you have had to endure over the years.   A friend had to have a hysterectomy when it was found all her bowl and uterus was fused together. Hope the operation comes soon so you can begin your recovery and continue your dream of a family.

Katie xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

August 18 2011

We had a phone call today, we are o.k to start homestudy and don't have to wait until I have had the op 
We have got a s/w and we start next Thursay 
Can't wait and also very nervous although I think it is going to get worse as time goes on and Thursay will be doddle.

Skyblu.xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

August 25 2011

This week has not been a good week. 
Had af which was very painfull also my leg has been given me hell, the pk my gp gave don't do anything so I am just taking ibuprofen which helps a little.
I phoned the hospital to find out about my op, to be told that they are running 10 weeks behind and that it wont happen until November and now I just found out on the IVF Wales page that one of my surgeons Mr Griffthies is on long term sick leave so that is properly going to delay things even further 

Our s/w called today to start our homestudy.
Our CBR forms have got lost in the post and copies of our passports are in there!!!!!
We had a chat about our medical conditions and what medications we are on, I don't think she was prepared to hear about my problems, even though she knew about them I don't think she realised how bad it was or how strong the medication is that I am taking.
She is really nice and easy to get on with, I just hope it stays like this.
We were given more homework which questions about our childhood and our house rules,believes and about our families.
Our next appointment is not for another 2 weeks, but with all the homework we have got ,we have enough to keep us going.

Skyblu.x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Sending you lots of   for the Op and the rest of your home study!!!


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