# Donor got married and pulled out. Shocker.



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Ladies
what a day I had yesterday.
My clinic phoned to finalize dates with me, saying they would now be sending me the Pill with a view to starting stimms at the end of November.
I contacted my KD/co-parent (who's a lifelong friend) to tell him when his 'input' would be expected. He's currently working abroad for a few more weeks and we'd not been in touch a lot, but I didn't expect his news: He's met the love of his life and they got married.
Yes, this was very sudden. He's not known her very long so I am not sure what to think. I'm pleased for him on one hand, as I would be for all my friends, but this news is really leaving me in the lurch.
My first concern is - what do I tell the clinic?
Do I come clean and say my 'partner' has left me? Or do I try to buy more time and try and line up someone else? 
I'm totally stressed out just thinking about it, which can't help.

I feel sorry for the recipient too, as it's not her fault my life seems such a mess right now.


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hi Broodychick 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Are you set on having a known donor? 
If not there is time to find an anonymous donor through a clinic either in the UK or Europe. 

if you don't want to use an anon donor could you still go through with the cycle and have your eggs frozen and the others donated?

What has happened can't be helped (although I do think it does highlight why known donor is often not a good idea) but I don't know how your clinic will react if you pull out this late in the day? 
Presumably you are getting free or cheap IVF by egg sharing?

My concern would be that the clinic mark you down as 'flakey' making you unsuitable to donate in the future?


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

HI Violet
this is my concern too, although that must happen a lot - couples breaking up under the strain and unable to continue the cycle as originally planned.
Human beings are unpredictable and it's not my fault.
He signed about fifty pieces of paper a few months back when we had all our tests, so this was very unexpected. Clearly he's somehow come to his senses that this arrangement isn't what he wants, so better now than after the birth of our child.

Yes my preference is on a known donor, as I am only one person with just one income and only half the set of that child's family and features, and I feel it would be fairer to them to know who their father is, although I accept many single ladies disagree.
I've just looked at a few online donor profiles, but I just feel so profoundly sad.


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I know from when I was looking that some of the overseas clinics have Id'd donors - either with adult pics or pics of them as a child.

I guess if you think your donor is definitely out then you should contact the clinic. As you say, i'm sure this won't be a first for them. 

Sorry this happening - IVF is stressful enough without trusted people letting you down xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I found out I can bring a KD without him having to go into quarantine, which was my main worry as I don't have the time. The search continues!
Violet - I need a second person to have an input on the child's life, not just a pretty mugshot  x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Broody maybe you could say that you're having some problems in the relationship and so don't think that it s a good time to do ivf but as its an egg share cycle you'd still like to go ahead and donate all eggs. They might then give you another free cycle at a later date but you won't be marked as flakey and it'll give you time to decide what to do next.

Bingbong x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

so sorry that this has happened, and a disappointing and  shocking for you.  I have a KD (a long term friend) and we speak daily so I find the situation v surprising, surely he should have also told you if he was having sex (even if protected) with another person and insems with you, as it opens you up to infections and unwarranted risk.  

I would be honest with the clinic and come clean that your KD has back out (It happens) , honesty is often a good policy to start your child's life off on- however convenient it might be otherwise. I think that if you are prepared to donate all your eggs to the recipient (it will give them a good idea how you respond) and then you get a free cycle later, or would they freeze your half for later use? 

I understand your predicament on one income and only half the genes and dilemmas for all single women, but there the child can trace their donor when they are older so they will know about their genes should they wish to. I guess you have to decide if you want to go it alone or devise another plan.  We waited the 6 months for quarantine and it does go quickly- I was 37 when we started.

I guess with a KD they also have their own life - mine has a partner (male).

Good Luck as you decided what to do.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Oh what a shock   . I'm so sorry this has happened. Maybe its a blessing in disguise as if you were wanting a co-parent it would have been much worse if this had happened and the child got let down   .

I think Becs has a good idea to see if you can go ahead with the egg sharing anyway, assuming your recipient has her own sperm reserves to use.

I would imagine you might be in for quite a delay though sadly as finding sperm is one thing, finding a known donor is even more difficult, but finding somebody who wants to co-parent with all the complexity that involves, obviously can't be rushed.

Hopefully this is only a delay and all will work out well


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you for all the tips everyone - I'm not sure I could go through a cycle just for somebody else, otherwise I'd have done that years ago when I lived in the US and could have been paid. The whole point is that I will have my own child by the end of it...
But yes, I will have to tell the clinic something. At least I now know that known donors won't need to do the quarantine thing, so I will still be young enough to do a cycle even if I have to delay a bit until next year.
By the way - I disagree with JJ1 about the donor/sex thing, as I consider the risk to be very small. Especially when they are using protection. It is his life after all and I do trust him, otherwise there wouldn't have been any point in all this.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Sympathies BroodyChick


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

...but Broody he went off and married somebody else without telling you and let you down at the last minute. So he wasn't really worthy of your trust.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Yes, i understand what you are saying about the egg sharing. 
Its a horrible set back.

DL X


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

You have my sympathies BroodyChick - such a lot of decisions to make   . As others have said I think it may be a blessing in disguise as at least you know before you started your cycle and importantly before you were pregnant - you clearly place a lot of focus on your child having 2 parents having gone this difficult route, so to have been left in the lurch later may have been even harder. 

I would give yourself a chance to consider all your options - would it really be so bad to do this as a single (not co) parent - I would say that many of us have been brought up with the image in our head of the perfect 2 parent family with 2.4 kids but this rarely exists anymore (or at least happy "perfect families"), there is much more variety - single parents (though choice or force), blended families, families that live apart, etc. The most important thing is love, belonging, and being brought up to be a good person. 

If you feel that co-parenting is the only option for you give your self time to make sure any potential is really the one - much like a marriage this is going to be a life long commitment to work together, you need to know you hold similar views, you have a clear idea of who does what, of finances, what happens if one or both of you meet someone etc... 

Whilst taking this time I would however at least think about going through with your cycle - especially if you clinic would let you freeze your eggs (as insurance for the future) or give you a hefty reduction on your own later cycle. This seems really hard I know (I faced a similar question when egg sharing - they did not think they would get enough eggs for me to share so I had to choose if this was the case whether to donate all or keep all - I was lucky as got the minimum 8 needed but had decided to donate if I hadn't as knew a little of the recipents story and could not bear to let her down having already gone through so much). That said if this is not right for you that is ok too as IVF is hard (especially if no direct benefit to you!!!).

Please understand that my intention is not to upset you (hey you've had a **** enough time already) but to give you some alternative perspectives to think through on your journey to making the right decision for YOU.

Wishing you all the best      , Krissi xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm so grateful for all the support on this site. Thank you so much Girls!

Just to explain - I'd never just go for egg freezing, as there is a near zero chance to get a baby out of a frozen egg. I really don't want to chance it and go through all that pain and expense for nothing.

Yes it was a surprise that he didn't share his new relationship with me, but it's his life and seems to all have happened very quickly. I'd never marry someone I've only known such a short time, but there you go... His lack of consideration to me and my current, impossible position shows quite clearly that I may have suffered from his lack of empathy further down the line, so it could be a blessing in disguise.
Now I'm considering having a child with someone I've not known all my life (like I do my intended donor), so some people might think that is crazy!

Thanks for giving me all those options to consider, they are definitely worth thinking about and I feel much calmer after discussing my situation with my therapist. xoxo


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Lots of hugz BroodyChick     . Take care, love Krissi xx


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