# Advice please? Child that hits!



## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi there,

I wondered if anyone had any ideas on how I should deal with this? My son came home 5 weeks ago and he is generally lovely despiteo having the terrible twos (he is 20 months now).  However he does head butt and hit - we have managed to reduce the head butting by just ignoring it but the hitting really gets me down.  The problem is he hits me repeatedly and quite hard (sometimes in the face) and when I say a a firm 'NO' he just laughs and does it more.  Unfortunately he isn't at the point where he talks and therefore I can't reason with him or use the naughty step type punishment because he doesn't understand.  I just don't know what to do   We believe it stems from his FC as they'd told us how they liked rough play and boxing so it seems they have taught him how to hit (really blooming clever eh!) and so he thinks it is a game and funny.  

Any thoughts on this would be greatly welcomed!!

Thank you  xxxxx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Mine did this too, but usually when I was holding/carrying them, so I would just put them down and say 'That's not nice, mummy does not like it when you hit'. Then get on with whatever you're doing.  After a minute or two ask if they're ready to be kind, pick him up and have a cuddle.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

It is still very early days for you all and he will be confused but hitting isn't acceptable even though this may be his way of showing emotion. If this is his idea of play it will take time to change. If it was me I'd be taking hold of his hand and saying no, we don't hit or no, we don't play like that and then going straight to a different activity with him.
If this is his way of showing emotion can you sit him in a high chair with wooden spoon and pan. He can hit the pan as much as he likes then or our lo likes crushing boxes which burns of energy and gives him endless pleasure. We've let him walk on bubble wrap and hit balloons in the air. Anything really to let the emotion out but is still a game.
If you can see it coming actively get hold of his hand and say high five or something along those lines.
It will settle hopefully as you all settle. Good luck


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi FC,

I'm really sorry you are having a hard time just now but I would please urge you to think more about his actions. Your little boy only moved home 5 weeks ago and his whole world has been turned upside down. His lashing out is the only way he knows how to communicate his feelings and unlikely to be learned behaviour. Toddlers do tend to do this anyway as their speech isn't mature enough.

He will likely have angry and confused feelings about the change and loss/grief and the best way we have found to deal with this is not make a deal out of it but do keep him and you calm and safe. Emphasise with his feelings " oh you must be feeling angry/sad/upset right now but we don't hit, mummy loves you and will help you with those big feelings" I then normally soothe and keep close until the burst has dispelled and start distraction. As he becomes settled and can even communicate it will pass but may not do for some time - our little guy was home about 4 months before I realised we had managed 2 days in a row without being bitten or hit.

I remember the early weeks where new behaviour was a worry as we got to know our boy better. Hope you and DH are using your support network to look after you as this stage can really wear you out emotionally. Hope this helps x

I'll pop back later with some other things. There's a lot if info on this thread and in some of the diaries (Wxyie's is excellent) so you might find that a good place to know you're not alone 
X x


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks everyone - I tend to put him down and say no and walk away if he does it  ur what I forgot to say was that the thing that really gets to me is that he hits other children and laughs and he hits other adults too if he doesn't like what they are doing - ie. in his way or one day my friend went to stop him from taking her sons dummy from his mouth and he hit her too so I find it hard as he seems to think it is a game when I say no! I can handle him hitting me - just other people makes me upset and slightly embarrassed if I am honest 

Xxxxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey,

I get it I really do but you generally get used to growing a thick skin as a parent. I worried lots in the early weeks as I didn't want anyone to think bad if my precious boy.

Ways to help is keep him very close. You're only weeks into placement so this is recommended anyway. The laughing thing isn't a true laugh, he's masking his feelings - actually he doesn't know what he's feeling! When my little boy did this or cond back hitting harder, pull hair, biting then he did it with a really manic laugh. I honestly worried he was deranged in some way - he's not - it really is more coming from a fear reaction. He will also be pushing you to see if you are consistent as that's what makes them trust us. 

I admit I hid away a lot in the early weeks and didn't attempt meeting anyone else with kids on my own. Some of it was recommended (funnelling is the term used), but other times I just didn't want to interact with people and explain the things that came with his move. As I got to know him better and his meltdowns be and less extreme I started toddler groups where he was right by my side. If I tried to talk to others (or Arab) that could invoke a hitting / danger finding exercise. Ultimately my LO just needed 100% attention in him (as draining as it was) until we knew each other better.

I hope this makes sense and not preachy ;-) I can remember clearly how I felt in the early weeks and it does get better with each week.
X x


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks gertie,

Yes I have stopped going to the groups as I was getting so stressed out and worked up that it seemed counter-productive although my hv has referred him for specialist play therapy so I am hoping I will feel less alien there.  He has problems with interacting with children and he doesn't know how to play so I guess that side makes me feel alone too.  You are right I feel very alone at the moment and don't feel I really fit in to any groups anywhere because I feel I am the only one who has had a toddler landed in my lap at these places rather than from birth so getting to know his foibles in front of strangers stresses me out.  I feel like I have to excuse my feeling of incompetence too some days but then I feel I don't want to tell the whole world my private life either so I am left feeling isolated once more.  Don't get me wrong I am enjoying it in parts and I am beginning to fall in love with my lo but there are some days I just don't know how to deal with issues.

Thanks for listening anyway - I really appreciate it all of you xxxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I can sooo relate. Be kind to yourself - really know one knows what adopting a LO us like until they've walked in they shoes. I did some play dates with very close friends who recognised that it was new and didn't put pressure on it tell me all kids do that or undermine my feelings (I didn't share all even then). 

Things that helped were getting out to swing parks, walk to feed ducks, supermarket shops as these were forgiving and I got 121 time but quite neutral feeling. Also library story time etc and I went to one town over as time suited us better but I felt relaxed there as i wasn't going to bump into folks I knew or was out to make friends. When I did go to a toddler group I picked one that I knew people at and thus I didn't need to make too effort to get to know people plus they were a nice forgiving bunch. By the way there's always a child worst than yours on any given day. Early mornings at soft play is great too as you just have idle conversations with other mums but you tend to stay close to LO anyway. My u'll one couldn't play himself at home or at toddlers. My job was to teach him and funnily enough other kids come and join in too.

Give yourself time, this parenting lark isn't easy but to go into full throttle is tough. Does LO nap during the day - if so you may find that's a good time to phone someone you can offload to. Ask your SW if there are any other mums nearby who've had Los of similar age placed in last 6/9 mths and if they can introduce you if does your agency do adopter coffee mornings? Theres also your local AUK group, ours has events on maybe once a month and I found this great to leave LO in bed with DH and I had others who understood and I've made a few friends who I meet up with every few months or I can have a chat and they get it. Ps I don't think I expected my leave to be so isolating but just like all new mums we need to find our place and get our rhythm. If you had a 5week old, you would probably feel just as lonely until you built up your mummy network.

There's also plenty of support on here so please if you ever need to vent/chat then there normally someone here who can chat.

X x


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Thank you so much gertie 

It has made me feel better knowing my worries are normal - I have reverted back to doing the things you suggest and it has made me feel more relaxed about stuff as the groups were not making me feel confident at all.  As you say he is still grieving a huge loss and so is testing me right now.  I have to remember I am the adult some day when he is really testing my patience.  Luckily I have a really helpful hv so that has made a huge difference already as she takes my concerns seriously.

How long did you start to settle into it where you felt confident to join the toddler groups etc? 

Thanks for all your help and advice - my DH just read it too and said it was of great help to him too

Xxxxxxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

FC1234, I'm sorry to hear you're finding things tough.  It's really hard suddenly having a toddler and you're right, it is very alienating.

I am really pushed for time before I collapse tonight, but didn't want to read and run.

I really would urge you not to think about consequences/punishments etc, but just treat him as a little baby right now.  20 months old is too young for things like time out anyway, and your son will probably be functioning considerably younger than that at the moment.  Also I think putting a newly placed child in time out, essentially sending him away for being bad, can cause a lot of problems later on in terms of the thinking that "if I'm bad enough, I will get sent away".  I think just 5 weeks into placement is probably too soon to be thinking about play groups etc (Health Visitors really push them for new adoptive Mums as a way to meet people without really knowing that much about attachment and what a newly placed child actually needs - you - or that as an adoptive Mum you can actually feel more isolated by these in the early days).  Could you try and look for things you can do with just the two of you.

Sometimes at this age kids just hit, and if he's testing boundaries and doesn't understand the consequences of his actions, this may just be the thing that he does to press your buttons.  My son does this, he's an absolute rascal and Mummy baiting is a bit of a game to him, and a lot of it is getting me to chase him when he runs off when I need to do things etc, but sometimes when he gets very giddy he also hits, either me and his sister, and the firmer I am the funnier he thinks it is.  I try not to get cross, just stay very calm, but hold him and do things with him so he can't hit me or his sister.  Sometimes he hits out when he's cross as well, which is a bit different, and I just keep him with me to calm him.  My 17 month old feels like he's functioning more like a 10 month old right now, and he's been home for nearly 7 months.  He also isn't really speaking yet although he certainly has a lot to say for himself it's a whole new language, and communication, or lack of, is starting to become very frustrating to him.

My daughter was placed at 19 months old and came with a whole heap of problems which included a lot of violent behaviour, and she too would often laugh when she hit, but with her it wasn't because she thought it was funny, she often misrepresented her emotions and still does.

I think whatever the cause right now, the best thing you could do is just try your best to stay calm, and correct.  Sometimes if my children are hitting, I try and model "correct" behaviour for them, sort of "we don't hit, we should be gentle when we touch" and stroke hair/hands but it depends on level of agitation and needs quite quick distraction afterwards.  Tickling can work well too with this, a gentle tickle and "we're gentle, see", normally with getting him to try and tickle a toy or me, depending on whether I want to risk any inadvertent scratching!  At this age if he may be quite easy to distract and get into gentler touching games, can he touch his nose, your ears, can he show you his tongue, and if he will go along with that it's best.  It feels to me with kids this age that the less you engage with his behaviour, the less entrenched it gets.  I think the immediate reaction is to go all out on correcting things like this, it certainly was for me, when in fact with a child that young they are not going to do any serious harm, so a quick fix isn't essential, and the best fix is to build the relationship.  Building the relationship is really hard to do when we're focussed all out on behaviour.  Plus, it doesn't work with most kids at this stage of placement and at an age where they don't understand what the hell is going on or that they're not to blame in some way for their whole lives being turned upside down.  

I really hope you manage to find some answers, but try to go easy on yourself.  It's so very hard to try and make a relationship with a child at this age, because they are just starting to get to the stage where you have to say no to pretty much everything they want to do, and they don't understand why, and it's really easy to let the conflicts dominate the day.

I know the weather is pretty lousy at this time of year (I am incredibly relieved in retrospect we had both our kids placed in spring!) but could you wrap up warm and do parks, ducks, any local animal farms that are open at this time of year to feed animals, or just get the wellies/puddle suit on and go out stomping in puddles.  Some kids do OK at soft play and if you go first thing in term time most places are reasonably quiet and you can get in and play with him rather than leaving him to it which can be good time together.  Anything you can do to have fun together where this sort of behaviour isn't going to be an issue.

All the best, it's such a difficult time, and it sounds like most of the time he's doing well which is wonderful news so early on,

Wyxie xx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Swimming is a good activity as you have to keep lo close, there is lots of contact and builds trust. Pools are often fairly quiet during the week so its a good time to go. You could go with a friend who has a lo for some adult company. While your in water all your attention will be on lo but at least you know there is someone there for you.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Think we crossed posts there. 

Wyxling had been home about 6 months when we started going to play groups.  I had a go about 3 months in and it was a disaster, much too soon for her.  She struggled when we started going but by that stage I needed to get out a little as our relationship, and the conflict, was becoming too much for me.  Bladelet I started taking only a few weeks into placement because I had Wyxling, and I didn't want to disrupt her routine too much, but for the first few weeks I kept him in a baby carrier - he was a pretty small 10 month old.  Actually though, he loved them and is really confident in these situation, but I worried that he was just a little too happy to go up to anyone and tried to stay close to him.  Wyxling started pre-school a few months into placement and I stopped taking him to all but the odd one during the school holidays.  We just have our mornings at home on our own, and given how intense things are when the three of us are here together in the afternoon, that works well for us.  I will start taking him to one group a week soon, but actually the time we have at home with just the two of us is so good, and that feels more important to me right now.

Also, as Loolylou said, swimming is definitely a winner.  I don't use floats for either of ours, so they need to rely on us and trust us to keep them save, and lots of great contact too.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi FC,

How's things going now? Hope you are all getting on ok and some of the tops have helped.
X


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Hiya. You're not the only one. My DS hits regularly when he is cross or doesn't get his way and has also started throwing things across the room. He is 2yrs 2mths.

One thing I would add is that as it's very soon after placement, I wouldn't be comfortable having a  friend telling DS off/ taking the dummy away as it still needs to be you being the person to give consequences, particularly if you're in the room. That's my opinion though and obviously you know better your circumstances and I'm sure you'll do what you think is right.


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks everyone - he still hits out but not so much - when he does it I just say 'kind hands' and pull his arm down and it has helped a little bit.  Thank you to all of you for your advice - it has helped me loads and helped me to put things into perspective as some days you get overwhelmed. 

Arrow - I think my friend just instinctively was being protective of her son as my ds tends to hit him a lot and target him in particular which is difficult so I think she is thinking of his welfare which is understandable but thank you for your thoughts  xxxxxx


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