# Advice needed please



## cerinjo (Dec 2, 2007)

Hi, my partner and i are on the search for a sperm donor. We've made contact with 2 who are willing to help but we dont really know what sort of questions to ask. One of them has told us quite a lot about himself and what he wants in the future, in regards to contact or lack of. He's told us he's had all the health checks and has got the all clear.. is there anything else we need to be asking?

Would really appreciate some help. I want to make sure we go into this with our eyes as wide open as possible.

thanks

Ceri


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Hun,

I'd be asking for proof of these health checks if i was you...

Also if travelling is involved you might want to talk about flexability ie can he commute to you or will you be going up to him...

I'd also be interested in his hobbies, education etc etc etc... basically all the stuff you want to ask but are too shy to on a first date  

Good luck

Em x


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## Guest (Oct 1, 2009)

I would also want to know what his motivation is to be a donor. We went down the clinic route because it just felt 'safer'. I know our donor donated because a family member had had IVF treatment at the clinic and he wanted to give his help in return. I get a lot of comfort from that fact and I will be very proud to tell DS about that when the time comes to telling him how he was 'made'.


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

I think that knowing what both sides would expect regarding future contact/relationship is one of absolute key things in deciding whether you want to proceed with either potential donor. And it's not all down to the basic how often might he see the child (unless he wants no future contact at all), as if you all want more of an involved type of relationship, you then need to get into specifics of what that would mean (e.g. contact with his family, does he see himself taking part in any decisions about how you raise the child etc.).
I'd also want to see STI test results (partly so you can see how recent they are, as well as for the reassurance of negative results - they should be no more than 6 months old IMO). Also, does either potential donor have known fertility (children of his own, other donor children/current pregnancies)? And if not, would they agree to having sperm analysis done before you started TTC (no point in trying with duff sperm count!).
Other important things would be regarding the logistics of TTC: how often are they willing to donate each month (ideally on at least 2 days); how flexible can they be with regards to timings (given that you can't guarantee when you will ovulate), who is going to travel where (and if he travels, are you going to compensate him for travel costs); where will you do insems (e.g. does he just hand over pot of sperm and leave? Do you want him at/near your home at all or to meet at neutral point?). Also, given that it's likely to take more than a couple of goes before it works, is he really willing to commit to trying month in month out (apart from mutually agreed breaks)?

Good luck with the future conversations


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## lmb15 (Jun 12, 2009)

Ceri - just a quick post about the safety side of things:

when someone gets screened for STI's, all it tells you is that they don't have any infections at that point in time. If they have unprotected sex after that, then you haven't got a clue what they may/may not have. Also, you should wait for 2 weeks after unprotected sex (or even sex with condoms - they're not 100% by any means) to get screened, because it can take  2 weeks for things like chlamydia/gonorrhoea to show up on tests. So if they get tested before that, the results may come back as negative, when in actual fact they do have something.
Then the biggy - HIV. It takes 3 months to fully show up on a blood test. So if they get tested, what you need is for them not to have sex for 3 months and get tested again to make sure they really are negative for HIV. 
All of the above is why, at clinics, the sperm is quarantined for 6 months, until the donor's been 100% confirmed not to have hiv/hepatitis etc - that way they know that the sperm was definitely free from diseases when it was collected, and is safe to use.

The whole not knowing for sure, and essentially taking a gamble on using sperm from someone when you don't know if they are/aren't clean or not, is why we chose a clinic. It's a personal choice though.

Sorry if that post sounded pessimistic!!!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Lisa x


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## Guest (Oct 1, 2009)

Lisa, you have pointed out the exact reasons why we went with a clinic!


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

yep that makes us 2 lol 

After our seedy experience with fertility 1st and a number of donors just wanting sex from us we got put off any other way apart from a clinic!


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## HotChickies (Sep 19, 2009)

That makes us 3!!! 

I think it gives you peace of mind that it's good quality sperm....which will do the job properly!

Also, all the legal stuff is taken care of without having to go through solicitors etc, etc.

xx


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## lmb15 (Jun 12, 2009)

It was mainly because of the health reasons we went through a clinic - there's no way in the world i was putting myself at risk of getting HIV. The legal aspects was the other reason. Just not worth the risk as far as we were concerned.
Lisa x


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

I would agree that there are plenty of reasons for choosing not to go the known donor route (especially reasons of a sexual health nature), particularly if that "known" donor isn't someone that has been known/a friend prior to TTC discussions. But we all have different motivations for wanting to become parents, and for the model of parenthood that we choose. I can completely understand wanting to have an identifiable donor (i.e. before your child reaches 18, as per the clinic route), even if it was "only" for reasons of identity, let alone other levels of connection that there might be between you all over the years as your child grows. 
No decisions about how you choose to bring your potential child into this world are "bad", when they are decisions reached after a lot of thought and discussion. And who of us with children can say that we've taken all the "right" decisions on their behalf? All we've done is to take what we have felt to be the best route for us as a couple/parents, in the hope that it's also in their best interests. 
As long as you're fully aware of the risks of the known donor route, then it's just as valid a route as any other. 
And let's face it, likely to be an awful lot cheaper than, and quite possibly to get results at least as quickly as, the clinic route.

Good luck Cerinjo, let us know how things pan out.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I used a KD who is a dear friend, I also know his only partner of 18yrs v well and feel confident in the sexual health tests when we started AI in 2005, they were also so flexible we then moved to the clinic in Jan 06 and discovered a low count but we now have treatment together ICSI and not onto DE's .

Good Luck which route you choose

L x


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Hi Cerinjo,

It sounds as though you're in a similar position to us when we first started out. We found our donor online and after we were happy with how things sounded by email we met in person. That's when he showed us all the documentation for his tests. At the end of the day we had to trust him that he would practice safe sex, but he agreed to be retested every three months and once we'd spent some time getting to know him we felt that trust was there. 

We also used a contract that outlined all our expectations in terms of responsibility/contact/rights. I'm happy to send you a copy of the contract we used if that would be helpful to you to use as a guide. It was drawn up originally by a solicitor and our solicitor also gave it the once over and said it was one of the better ones she'd seen. Of course, it isn't legally binding, but it does ensure that you've discussed all the options and are going into it with compatible intentions. Our donor had previously donated to others and two of those recipients were happy to have contact with us as referees, and that did a lot to put or minds at rest.

We chose this route because we wanted to know that our child(ren) would be able to have any questions about their background answered whenever they had them. Clinic donors can now be traced by any children born of their donations at age 18, but even this wasn't an option when we started out. All donors were completely anonymous then. Our donor is not involved at all but we are in contact. We are in email contact every 3-6 months and he has met our daughter twice so we now have photos of them together. Her heritage, both biological and non-biological will be an open book to her.

We also wanted to know who our donor was. The information we'd have got through a clinic was not enough for us. We wanted to know about his motivations, how he saw the world, and get a sense of his mental and emotional self. This was much more important to us than physical characteristics, and potentially just as easy to be passed on to his biological offspring. We met another potential donor at the same time and it was only once we'd sat down over drinks with him and talked through these things that we felt he wasn't the right guy for us. On paper he would have been perfect, and there was nothing specific wrong when we met, but both our instincts told us he wasn't the right guy for us. They most definitely said the guy we did use was and we're about to start trying with him again for a second child. 

I'd be lying if I said that money wasn't a factor in our decision making too, though it did fall below the above. It took us over three years to get pregnant and we tried 18 cycles in that time. There is no way we'd have been able to try for so long through a clinic. Yes, we might have got pregnant sooner by trying more invasive techniques such as IVF but it would have costs us so much more. I did some brief sums before and I think we spent a total of around £300 to get pregnant. This includes petrol costs, ovulation and pregnancy tests, prescription charges for the medication I need to help me ovulate (which I get on the NHS) and for the later attempts, Mayan womb massage and acupuncture treatments. This wouldn't have covered even one IUI cycle at a clinic, and spending such a small amount meant we were able to employ an independent midwife for the birth once we did conceive which was just wonderful. 

I don't know if any of the above is helpful. I seem to have rambled quite extensively.  I do wish you the best of luck though and would be happy to answer any questions you have. If you want to send me a private message with your email address I'll forward you a copy of the contract we used.

Good luck!

Gina. x


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