# Hurting & finding it hard to control! *



## daisylou (Aug 8, 2005)

Hi everyone,

Just wondered if anyone else out there is finding it difficult to comes to terms with diagnosis.  August 2005 my husband and I had it confirmed that we would need icsi, male factor.  We are waiting treatment, which we've been told could potentially start May 2007, but not holding my breath with the NHS.  Despite me understanding the reasons for our problems and trying to look at it logically most of the time, I've started to get nasty outbursts of frustration towards my husband.  He is the last person I want to hurt and he's not at blame at all.  No-one would wish for this.  I feel terrible and have explained to him that I'm not trying to push my frustrations to him.  Is this because he doesn't really talk about it or that he's the only one I feel safe to voice my concerns to?  Any advice, as right now I feel an awful, selfish wife who don't seem to be able to cope at the start of this journey!

Daisy


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Daisy
You have come to the right place, FF will be your new home and the place you vent those frustrations and hopefully laugh and joke as well because despite what we are all going through and the fact that days are pretty **** there are also good days as well.  Its so natural to go through the things you are and IF issues take a toll on ones realtionships.  My DH and me have been on quite a long journey but our last IUI treatment that just finished in a negative has really taken its toll and has made us stop think and talk more about stuff than before (hard to believe I know) and its amazing how one does not do that in normal life.  I have found this site as such a good place for me to discuss things and don't think my DH has the same place to go but we kind of made a breakthrough tonight by surfing the net together. Its the easiest thing in the world to take stuff out on your nearest and dearest.  anyway go easy on yourself and keep coming on here.
we have a new thread for nov newbies so come along to there.
I think I have become very inward looking due to what I see as my old eggs and cannot seem to see beyond that and its made me a bit selfish which sometimes we need to be but I suppose sometimes we have to give our DH a hug!!
Good luck and take care
susie


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hun, this Infertility journey is a nightmare for everyone.  It's particularly stressful for couples because men and women have very different coping mechanisms which at times seems quite incompatible.  Your dh doesn't talk about it because men dont verbalise their feelings, this is not because he doesn't care or because he doesn't love you, it's merely because men withdraw back into their shells, rationalise a problem and then come out and deal with it, whereas women are fixers, they want to talk things to death and then put right what is wrong, this is particularly stressful in IF because you cant always fix it - it's beyond your control which is what makes it so difficult to deal with.

Try to use the support on offer on Fertility Friends to help you cope.  Of course you are overwhelmed by this process, we all were at the beginning chick, but alienating yourself from your dh is not the answer hun!   Use us as your sounding board instead.  Protecting your relationship with your dh is of paramount importance as IF has a very high attrition rate for relationships!  Celebrate your different outlooks and coping skills rather than blaming him for not reacting as you do.

You aren't an awful selfish wife, you are a frightened and overwhelmed person facing a big mountain, which is your IF treatment.  This site can help you through that, so use it fully! 

Take Care

Amanda xxx


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## Popsy Dee (Sep 24, 2006)

Aww poor Daisy - here's a big hug  .

Our situation is different from yours but we all still feel the pain if IF.

The way you are feeling is only natural - my husband rarely talks about our fertility issues which is why FF is a wonderful place.  I'm sure you will make lots of friends and get loads of support from everyone.  You've come to the right place !

Take care

Lots of love 

Popsy xxxx


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## clarastara (Dec 15, 2005)

Hi Daisy  

Welcome to ff.  I'm sorry to hear you are feeling frustrated     and I can totally relate to that.  I hope you enjoy talking to all the lovely people on here about what you're going through, as I have found this site to be the best kind of therapy.  I too feel that I'm always having a go at DH or crying on my DH's shoulder and this site really helps to alleviate all those difficult feelings.  

I hope you have lots of success and that you get your BFP   soon.

Why not join the girls for a chat on November's Newbies soon?  We'd love to hear from you!

Clara xx


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## ~*mRsHoPe*~ (Jan 25, 2006)

##~DAISYLOU~##
FIRSTLY WELCOME TO FERTILITY FRIENDS
I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND THIS SITE THE BEST SUPPORT NETWORK YOU COULD EVER ASK FOR I KNOW I HAVE.
THE LADIES AND SOME GENTS ON HERE ARE ALL VERY UNDERSTANDING AND FULL OF INFORMATION.
I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR DIAGNOSIS, I THINK THAT IS SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE HERE HAS PROBLEMS WITH.

HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO GET YOU STARTED I HOPE THEY ARE OF HELP TO YOU.
MALE FACTOR BOARDS
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=35.0
STARTING OUT AND DIAGNOSIS BOARDS
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=110.0
INBETWEEN TREATMENT BOARDS
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=47.0
NOVEMBER NEWBIES
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=73900.0
CHAT ROOM  
*******************************************************

I HOPE THAT THESE HELP YOU IF I CAN BE OF ANY FURTHER ASSISTANCE PLEASE PRIVATE MESSAGE ME OR SHOUT AND I WILL DO MY UPMOST TO HELP

LOVE AND BEST WISHES 
XX MRSHOPE XX 
​


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi daisy and welcome to the site 

What u are feeling is normal - when we found out that it was male factor as well i resented my hubby and would often take it out on him. Then a year later i found out i had problems as well and felt awful for how i reacted to him.

I think infertility does put a strain on relationships and we do try and find someone to blame. This site is fantastic and will support u in so many ways.

Good luck with everything

Kate xx​


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hello Daisy

Welcome to FF - I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

I can relate exactly to how you're feeling - my situation is different in that my DH is absolutely fine - I have the problems.

My DH would appear to be so blase about it, saying that everything would be fine and his sister-in-law's cousin's best friend (for example!) was in our situation and she went on to have quads (you know the kind of stories) etc etc - and I would go ABSOLUTELY crazy at him   saying he didn't understand and didn't care about how I was feeling etc. Now we are starting on the ivf route, I sometimes feel terrible because on down days I think if he were with someone else he'd probably have a brood of children by now! Like Susie says, I became and can be very inward looking too - I think it's normal though.

It certainly has put a strain on our relationship at times, but I totally agree with Susie (she talks sense!) in that it has actually bought us closer together (a big fat cliche, but it's true in our case!  )

Sorry for waffling, but I'm trying to say that you're acting completely normally and you're in the right place for venting your feelings. As Clara says, come over to November Newbies - it's great and you'll get all the support you need.

Lots of luck  

Kate xxx


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Daisy,    

I just wanted to send you some cuddles, and to say we all have feelings we would rather not have, it normal, it doesn't  mean anything bad, I hope you feel a bit better soon 

Take care

Wendy K

  Babydust to you both.


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## daisylou (Aug 8, 2005)

Hi Everyone!

Soz for the delay, just really couldn't get myself onto the website as felt so wrong, with everyone else being so encouraging.  Thank you all for your support and kind words, its appreciated and it's nice to know others are there for you.  I think this is the only place I feel normal!!!!  Nowhere or no-one else seems to understand.  

Christmas has been an emotional rollercoaster but i'm hoping for a positive new year.

Best of luck to you all!!!  Happy new year

Daisy xx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi daisy 

The site will offer u plenty of support in one way or another even if u are feeling like u are now. I know if im feeling down i can come on here and someone will understand.

Like u i am being positive for 2007

Kate xx​


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## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

Daisy

Sorry to hear you have problems. Male factor is really hard to deal with, you will have times when you will get furstrated with DH but its not his fault either, sometimes things just happen that we have no control of and we just have to make the best of them and handle them as well as we possibly can. IF is such a tough road and no one knows how anyone will react to the txs and the drugs so remember that as you go down the road. I responded really badly to the drugs for ICSI and the one positive thing came out of it was, that it was no longer all DH's fault, we were totally in it together, now both male and female factor. 

When you are feeling angry at DH (and I have experienced it so trying not to preach) , give him a hug instead and remind him how much you love him. They are sensitive creatures and this stuff strikes at the very core of thier manhood. 

Go easy on yourself, its going to take some time. 
Tibevora


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## Macmillan (Dec 26, 2006)

Hi Daisy
Think I know how you feel.  We have male factor too.  Both totally shocked when we found out cos I had just expected the problem to be me.  
DH blames himself and feels guilty, especially as it is me that has to go through the drugs/procedures for ICSI.  Says I should have chosen a different husband! We have tried really hard not to allow these feelings as they are quite destructive.
I found it v difficult to come to terms with the whole IF thing.  We found out in August but it has taken me until now to really move forward and try and be positive again.  I went through classic stages of denial, then anger then feeling completely miserable about everything.
What helped us?  We do try and talk about it together and view it has our problem not just the lack of spermies.  DH is quite good and will talk, as long as I don't cry!
The other thing that has really helped, apart from FF chatting of course!, is having our dog.  We have both found it useful to have something to love and nuture in the absence of kids.  He is probably completely spoiled but gives plenty of unconditional love!  Good for the exercise too.
Hope you get a date for your ICSI soon...  good luck
Bec


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