# Why am i so stupid



## daisyboo (Apr 5, 2005)

Hi 
Well


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hiya

I don't think you are alone in doing this, curiosity probably gets the better of most of us!  I know I've done it!!!

Unless there is something legally written up to say direct contact will happen it is up to you whether you agree to DC or not.  After the AO any form of contact is on our terms and we are the ones that decide whether it is in the child's best interest to keep it up.  It doesn't sound as though this BF member is a good role model or someone that will be of benefit to your child and you obviously have strong feelings about this, I would be inclined to speak with SS and tell them you have found out information that makes you feel this is not in child's best interests at this stage.  

OT x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

You are not stupid Daisyboo.

I think you'd find that most of the adopters in here have Googled birth families.  I certainly have and the only reference I found was a newspaper article regarding BF seriously assaulting BM.  I have Facebooked them not found found anyone yet.

I really don't know the answer to the legal situation.  I think that as soon you are the legal parent, you can do whatever you feel in the child's best interests regarding contact.  Unless you have in writing an agreed plan that has been approved by the court then I doubt they can do anything about it - "recommended" doesn't mean "must happen".  I'd contact SS as soon as possible so it's not hanging over you, and to give them time to work something out before the family member starts asking questions. Is it possible that the family member was told they could have contact in the hope they'd stop kicking up a fuss?  If so, then that was very unfair of SS. 

Sorry I can't really help
Bx


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## Guest (Mar 23, 2010)

If birth families were perfect, then their children would not be ours now.

In my previous life I was a social worker and drug counsellor and I actually found your post quite judgemental, even bordering offensive.  I do not believe that using drugs automatically makes someone a bad person - yes they have  made some poor choices but haven't we all?  Many have had very difficult lives themselves and I can't say how I would have coped in similar circumstances.  The BM of our children used (uses?) drugs and was not able to be a good enough parent, but that does not mean she is "bad".  We do have direct contact with her, the children are aware that she has had addiction issues and yet it is positive all round - although if that changes we will break the contact, as it is at our discretion.  The value to our children of knowing their history and integrating that into who they are now is huge - and I hope will enable them to continue to flourish, even through the tricky teenage years.  

I hope you can make the right decision for your family regarding BF contact, but please don't make black and white judgements based on a newspaper article (after all how much isn actually even true?).  I must be the odd one out as I haven't bothered to look up the birth family of our children - I have no interest.  

Bop


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

i'm with bop on this. being "in court for drugs" does not make a person "not nice", just troubled. we don't do direct contact so havent had to think about it fully....good luck with whatevr you decide

Also please be careful using ******** to look at peoples profiles. ******** "suggests" friends to you is they have looked at your profile a couple of times. Also you can get apps to tell you who has been looking at your profiles. I'm guessing you'd rather they didn't know you were on ******** regardless of what security settings you use.

good luck with whatever you decide.

ruthie


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

I'm sure there is more to the 'stories' than Daisyboo has posted, for obvious reasons, and while I agree the info she has put doesn't mean the person is 'bad', she obviously has reasons to be concerned over the safety and well being of her child and the impact DC could have.

I don't think for one minute she was meaning to offend or be judgemental, just simply asking for some support and advise over a possible situation she doesn't feel happy about.

My opinion only.....

OT x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

hi,

i'm really sorry if i upset daisyboo!! i just get really stressed when i hear about people using ******** as a means to find out about others. Because its not designed for that use, its really easy to find out and stalk people, so those of us who adopt need to be so careful using it. 

that's all, really sorry if i upset anyone, especially daisy. i know how stressful and emotional these early days are!

xxruthie


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## Lulu40 (Nov 20, 2009)

I think I'd be more concerned about a propensity for violence in any birth family member.

As for drugs, well, I think I'd err more on the side of thinking it depends.  If a newspaper article was referring to a court case and a birth family member were a member of a notorious gang who were infamous for dealing and shooting, then yes I'd be more than wary and I would likely be concerned about my family's safety in the event of direct contact.  (I live in an area where there are some local gangs and there is some gun crime, although you'd be unlucky to get caught up in it, if you're not directly involved, and I'd be worried if through adoption I became unwittingly linked to those kinds of gangs.)

As for drug use, as opposed to dealing and involvement in criminal gangs, well, again, I think it depends.  If a child has been adopted though, I think it's probably more likely because of a problem drug habit, leading the mother to neglect or endanger the child.  By way of contrast, though, some of my friends in their 30s and 40s popped a lot of pills a decade or two ago when they were really into clubbing, but as they've got older and settled down, and some of them have had children, they obviously don't party as hard as they used to.  Some of them still pop a few recreationals, though, when the children are with a partner or former partner or their grandparents for the weekend or whatever.  I don't consider that their occasional use makes them bad parents or bad people.  

I guess it depends what kind of involvement the member of the birth family has with drugs, whether they're someone caught dealing on a 'professional' scale (with the associated worries about violence and gangs and guns), or whether it's someone who's just been unlucky and been busted for possession for recreational use, or someone, maybe a friend who was done for 'dealing' because they'd bought some pills or weed for a night out/in and then share their stash with their friends?

If it was the former, I'd be questioning the social worker's judgement and asking lots and lots and lots of questions.  If it was the latter, I'd still ask questions, but be more open minded, and thinking that maybe this is what 'open adoption' is supposed to be all about, helping the child maintain some kind of contact with their birth family.  

In the latter circumstances, it's more tricky, because there's the argument that it's possibly in the child's best interests to have some kind of contact with members of their birth family, (although I haven't read all the research on this) whereas it would be easier to rule it out if it was someone who was potentially violent and dangerous.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hello All



Bop said:


> In my previous life I was a social worker and drug counsellor and I actually found your post quite judgemental, even bordering offensive.


Bop - I dont think Daisy was being judgemental of drug users on a whole, just this BF member - which tbh she is in a position to judge. I'm sure there is more to the story than what she has posted here.

Daisy - I would speak to SS about your concerns, they will no doubt know the full story and be able to listen to you but at the end of the day the decision of whether DC is in your childs best interest, is wholly your decision. 

xxx


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

I searched for surprise and there birth family on ********, idle curiousity I suppose only to find that there was campaign running to prevent the adoption.

SS failed to metion this little tibit. I have also been able to see photos of birth parents which I would have never seen and will be able to now describe to surprise what bm and bd were like if asked in the future.


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