# Who did you tell having IVF?



## mogscat (Aug 6, 2014)

Hello

I am wondering whether it's better to tell people about my imminent IVF (having FET in August).  So far I haven't told anyone.

I am thinking that when we were TTC naturally, we didn't broadcast it!  I am very private, so would like to keep it quiet until I have a BFP and all scans done, if I am that lucky.
However, it is very difficult to organise treatment abroad without telling our kids (age 15 and 12) what is going on and grandparents who we have to ask to babysit while we are away.  This is our second trip to Greece and the line about my partner 'whisking me away' for a romantic weekend - again! -  might start to wear a bit thin soon!!  

Anyway, if you have experience to share I'd be interested to hear how it went for you...on balance did you get support by letting people know, or were they judgemental, or did it all add to the pressure when it came to testing, anomaly scans etc.?

Thanks
xxx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

I got a lot of support from the people we told (e.g., parents, in-laws, siblings, and a few friends), but it also meant more people to tell when things failed, which was tough. I don't regret doing it that way, but it's something to keep in mind. You're right to think that it adds a bit to the pressure with respect to pregnancy test results, scans, etc., because it's not just yourselves who will be sad if the outcome's not good. However, that also means people know you're having a hard time and can try to support you.

I looked at it as a long course of medical treatment that was very disruptive to our lives, and I would normally share the basic information about that sort of thing with those people, so didn't see a reason to treat this differently. The same folks already knew we'd struggled with infertility for years, because it was simpler and less hurtful to me and DH than trying to deflect hints or questions about when/if we'd have kids.

It depends a lot on who's in your life and how supportive they're likely to be -- we've been very lucky in that regard. If I'd thought that anyone in the immediate family would be judgemental about our not just letting nature take its course (funny how people rarely say that about cancer patients getting chemo!), or that they'd be super-nosy and over-involved, we'd have been much more exclusive about who we told.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I'd say immediate family are safe enough but wouldn't bother broadcasting it too far just to avoid pressure tbh x


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## mogscat (Aug 6, 2014)

Thanks for your replies CrazyHorse and Blondie

Difficult to predict how supportive people will be. And how helpful that 'support' might be! I have another medical condition and my mother can be very ...er.._.thorough_ in her line of questioning to the point where I don't usually tell her when I am going for appointments any more as it makes it more intense and exhausting! 
My stepmother is a very kind and wise person...however she never takes medicine or medical treatment herself due to her religion and so I'm not sure what her reaction might be to donor egg IVF. She might feel compromised if we asked to her to support us with babysitting while I have treatment and I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position.

On the other hand i don't like being secretive about it all and I am fine with telling them we've had IVF if I'm lucky enough ever for it to work.

So still mulling this one over!


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## Educating rene (Apr 2, 2015)

I told immediate family only and very close friends, but no-one at work apart from my manager so that they were more understanding when I asked for time off work for scans etc. My colleagues are quite nosey and do question quite alot, so I decided not to tell them because I knew they'd question my progress at every opportunity, and I didn't think I would cope with that pressure on top of the pressure already experienced with having tests and the realisation that time was passing me by, thus my chances decreasing as time went on. This was enough to deal with on its own.

But i guess as crazyhorse says, you have to judge this by the kind of people you are surrounded by so only you can decide who you tell really. 

I'm sure you'll work out what's right for you soon. wishing you lots of luck and BFP soon


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## alexandra2008 (Jul 26, 2008)

Hi


We told my elderly best friend as she is the only person we trust. Whoever you choose to tell choose that person wisely as it wouldn't be fair on you if your whole street, distant relatives or friends you haven't seen or spoke to all of a suddenly starts asking you questions. Some people will laugh and joke about tx some will sympathise. As for your kids, they might not understand that tx works sometimes it doesn't, you don't want them to be disappointed should things not go your way. Just a thought.
xx


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## foreverhopefull2013 (Jan 31, 2013)

I told all my family and all my closes Friends, i found it a lot esier not having to lie about not being able to drink or go to certain events/ birthdays ect. Really helped me a lot and they gave me huge support over my 8 embyro transfers and miscarriage, couldn't of done it without them xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## mogscat (Aug 6, 2014)

Thanks for your replies.
Foreverhopeful, I notice you've got an OTD coming up very soon - keeping fingers crossed for you!  xxx
alexandra yes I don't really want kids to be upset if it doesn't work and worried about me...
flowerpot sounds like your manager is quite discreet...i didn't tell my previous manager as she used to blab everything (such as details of her divorced sister's online dating conquests!!!)  However I have a new manager now, still sizing her up!

i went to see my sister today and told her!  She didn't seem at all shocked or disapproving and I feel a lot better now we've shared it with someone else.  I was bursting.  While we were there her 6-month old baby was sick on my bloke and he didn't seem too horrified so maybe that's a good sign too?! 

Thanks for all your advice guys, you're stars and have really helped me with this.  Until today we'd been keeping our TTC efforts private for two years..!  xxx


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## Kelly88 (Oct 24, 2014)

I am very open about my fertility problems, with anyone and everyone, all I have ever wanted is to be a mum so my family and friends expected me to have a football team by now, I'd been trying since I was 16! The questions started when I was about 18, but I managed to fob people off for a few more years, I felt embarrassed that I couldn't get pregnant, when I was old enough to have treatment 3 years ago, I started being more open with family but still didn't want anyone else to know.  however 3 years later and I think the whole of Cornwall knows that I'm infertile, and I really don't care, I think it's good that they can see it's not as easy as opening your legs for some of us! And once I started talking about it I have been approached by friends that are going through the same thing and it has been great being able to support them and them me! 
Don't get me wrong I still have days where I just want to curl up and block out my issues but this is my life and that's just that! Xx


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

On our first cycle we told close family and friends. We both told our managers(we work for the same employer) and I told a select few others in my team.  I am lucky in that I work with a good group of people.  I can honestly say that although people  asked if I was ok, no one asked if it had worked.  We did however feel we had to tell immediate family straight away (would have found it hard to kkeep quiet) but waited until after 12 wk scan to tell everyone else. we did end up telling our managers early on as I had ohss after transfer so was off sick, then thought I had miscarried at 6 weeks but they kept quiet until I was ready to share.

On our second cycle we told only our parents.  After the treatment I told two friends but one is a midwife and has had failed ivf before(then had nnatural pregnancy).The other had treatment a few months after me the first time, and when we spoke she was also trying for a sibling. Due to their experiences I feel I can talk to them openly and they understand.


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## chooshoos (Dec 18, 2014)

we have told no one, in fact the only people aside the clinic are the lovely FF ladies! 

when we started we realised it may not be successful first time (aint that the truth!) and did not want to drag friends/family through the rollercoaster of treatment, 2ww and test etc. however on the flip side of that it can be quite lonely sometimes, especially as DH and me live in different countries/continents and so only speak by phone and see each other once a month. 

the other reason is one of the strong visuals i have is announcing to mum, to be honest sometimes it keeps me going the thought of the look on her face!

the only thing I would say is once told cannot be untold


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## Mels11 (Nov 3, 2014)

My DH and I told no-one over the 10 years we were trying to conceive and then stuck to that when going for IVF. A family member has been having IVF repeatedly for some of this period and it has been heartbreaking for everyone as each attempt fails. I didn't want to add to the stresses, didn't want to get anyone's hopes up, nor did I want to be answering questions. Oh and I most definitely did not want sympathy! It was easier as there is only the two of us so we didn't need any help with logistics so we passed our treatment off as a holiday. Needless to say, we are still in the process of shocking all and sundry with our news! We're older and have been together over ten years so I think people just assumed we didn't want kids. 

I think lack of support can be issue so FF has been a life saver and my acupuncturist has been with us all along but otherwise we have supported each other and have become incredibly close as a result. Even looking back now I know, for us, and our family, this was the right decision.


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## Clara01 (Feb 2, 2014)

We have only told my parents. No one else, not even my in-laws or best friend, because everyone will just be... well, too stressful to handle! IVF is still consider a sin in Italy   so better keep it to ourselves.


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## ladybug8410 (Jan 12, 2015)

Definitely only keep it to people who really need to know. I foolishly thought IVF would be the answer to all our problems and announced it to family and a few friends and after 2 failed attempts, I know wished I never told anyone. People do try to be supportive and say the right things but more often that not, it is not helpful in my opinion.

All the best!


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## Educating rene (Apr 2, 2015)

I made the biggest mistake of letting it slip to a couple of work colleagues - and I now have to endure constant eyes and covert questions on what I'm eating, drinking, where I'm popping off to, where I've been, have I had any more appointments? repeated questioning about what Im doing on my planned leave etc etc - so stressful and completely doing my head in. I honestly think I'd cope better with the nosiness if they just came straight out and asked more direct questions, but they have taken to questioning that they obviously think will trip me up into telling them all. 

This is a really personal and emotional journey, stressful enough going through all the investigations, cancelled appointments - highs and lows, without then having lots of eyes on your every move.  This is my first attempt and so the unknown just adds to the pressure pot. I wish I'd stuck to telling parents only!

Thank god for FF and close friends outside of work, inner strength and determined attitude that it's none of their business and why should I tell them every detail about MY personal fertility journey. 

Chooshoos - so so true! Once told cannot be untold - I would advise thinking about who you tell very wisely - be on your guard for those nosey Parkers who will stoop to tricks in order to get it out of you too just so they have something to tittle tattle about over lunch. 

Treatment starts very soon thankfully - I so want to be able to enjoy this - it's supposed to be an exciting time but all I feel is stress, tiredness and frustration. I wish they'd just give me some space but I'm not sure how to tell them as I think it will just get them gossiping that I must be close to or already having treatment - thus increase the intensity. If anyone has any ideas I'm so open (desperate) to suggestions...


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Rene -sorry to hear how you are feeling about the people in work.  On our first cycle I told my managers(I was claiming fertility leave) and a few selected people but was lucky as no-one asked anything  other than my manager asking if everything was ok and to let him know if I had too much work and he would reallocate some to others)  The last time and this time we have chosen not to tell anyone in work and are using annual leave for the appointments.  

Could you speak to them all together, maybe on a break, lunch, over coffee etc (depending on where you work and the set up) and say something along the lines of you are grateful that they want to support you, but that when the process starts it can take a long time and be stressful (which is not a lie).  Maybe letting them think they are special by making out that although you have let them in on your secret you don't want others to overhear the conversation, so the best way they can support you is not to mention it and will give them an update when there is one could help too.  You can then decide when to give them the information, which could be at the very end or at your 12 week scan   . 

We were lucky enough to be successful on our first cycle.  Managers knew early on as I had time off for ohss, then thought the pregnancy had ended at 6 weeks, but the others found out when I brought in cakes to celebrate.


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Only 2 trusted friends until i was 4 months pregnant.......

Then when my very large extended family found out.............they were very supportive.
It was very surprising. But lovely.

Keep it to yoursevelves until you are sure. 

M. Xx


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## Educating rene (Apr 2, 2015)

thank you both 

talkingfrog - really good suggestion so will give it a try and let you know how it goes.....

xx


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Good luck Rene.


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## Kitan (Sep 2, 2014)

Hi,

I've only told my Mum and a good friend in work who I trust totally.  My DH has only just told his Mum this week.  He didn't want to tell anyone AT ALL but I think you need to confide in another woman.  I haven't even told best friends I've known all my life.  I'm a very private person too so totally understand.

I'm going to Cyprus for FET in November.  This will be my 5th cycle (2 in UK, 2 in Cyprus).  I know where you're coming from with regards to the 'another holiday' situation.  This will be our 3rd trip to Cyprus in a year and I use the excuse that we're guaranteed the weather plus flights are local and cheap (even though this sadly isn't the case).


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## lamb38 (Aug 17, 2013)

Hello  

The first time round we started out only telling my male best friend so he could look after things for us while we weren't able to. This friend was a legend and just did all the practical stuff and took stress away without getting in our faces. 

I ended up also telling my mum and my female best friend and within a week regretted it! They managed to say all the wrong things and I found myself having to worry about them when I should have only been thinking about me and OH. I also found out that they weren't able to keep it to themselves, which was a surprise and a huge disappointment and something that I haven't managed to forgive.

This time its between me and the OH and no one else. Like you said, we didn't broadcast it when we were trying naturally, so we're not going to broadcast it now. Well, except on FF, my lifeline! 

Good luck


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## Alwayshopeful76 (Aug 27, 2014)

We didn't tell anyone the first cycle and it felt good living in a little bubble about it like it was our secret and kept us close. Then after the miscarriage I realised I needed other people to talk about it to and found counselling useful. I felt like I'd been holding my breath a little and started to talk to close family about it too.

On the second cycle I realised what was best for me was to let close family know but not the dates so that they'd be sympathetic but I wouldn't feel like they were trying to guess if i was or wasn't. I did consider telling someone at work too as going for 7am scans and scratches then doing a full day and running off for a blood test takes its toll when you haven't got anyone to sympathise and you have to be all secretive about it, but again, I didn't want the looks and questions.

I'm teetering on telling more close friends this time but its really hard to choose who, especially when all of your friends have children. I've joined a support network which meets once a month to help with this as I can't quite bring myself to come out of the bubble 

It's so hard to decide and i feel you walk a fine line between wanting to keep the fertility stuff in a box (I have to do this when meeting with friends on pregnancy no 2) and being able to say 'This is sooo hard and no one gets it!!!' It certainly tests what you're made of and i've learnt a lot about myself and my relationship from the process; makes you strong in ways you never knew you were.


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## mogscat (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Alwayshopeful
thanks for sharing your experience, in the end I followed a similar approach to you by telling my sister we were going through IVF but didn't tell her if/when we were having the transfer done.
We had the transfer done last week and no one knows.  Although on one hand that's a bit lonely, I am still more comfortable this way because it preserves my privacy and if it goes wrong I don't have to share that with everyone unless I want too.  It means all decisions remain in my hands and I don't have to keep answering questions about results etc.  My plan now is to keep it private until I get a clear 12 week scan, if we get that far!  Which is what i would do if it were a natural conception.  

Lots of good luck to you, hope you get a successful outcome very soon xx


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## Educating rene (Apr 2, 2015)

hi all

i start injections on thursday, and aim to keep it quiet from now on too. my mum asked recently when i was starting treatment and i managed to keep it vague to 'oh in the next month or so'.....hopefully this will give me a bit of space and time .

i'm aiming to keep it to myself and OH for as long as possible now, ie through EC and ET and then cross fingers up to a 12 wk scan, alternatively when starting another cycle of IVF - i know that a few people know we are going down the IVF route, but no-one else apart from my OH and me know exactly when we are starting injections. i'll see how long i can carry on being vague whenever i'm asked... 

cross fingers for you mogscat......  that you have a positive result  xx


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