# Moving from OE to DE for sibling (have OE child)



## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Hi
I just wanted to have some discussion around this please, and about feelings involved really.

My son was luckily naturally conceived and very easily.  So much so that I ignored signs of a problem when TTC a sibling for several years    

So we have had NHS investigations (a slow, painful, wasted year), a year trying naturally - my denial, clomid x2, IVF x3, 2 high stimms (bad idea), 1 mild ivf at Serum.  DH sperm are super duper quality.  When we sorted out the lining issue making implantation impossible, my eggs are now too old.  I am just too old although still regular periods.  My mum had kids in late thirties, so another reason I was in denial about my fertility.  My child really wants a baby/sibling    .    Anywayyyyyyy  

We are now planning on DE, how did other people feel about it?
My thoughts are - is it like bringing someone (their DNA) into the family who's less from the family (both of our DNA like my son)?
Would my second child resent being created to be a sibling, if that makes sense?
Would the siblings feel different,being half siblings?
Would the half sib feel less "one of us"?  (I feel I could absolutely love them equally)

I wanted ID release but DH is worried about the child being "claimed" by another family?  Would it make the child feel less part of our family?
Is an anonymous donor better in that respect, or would any child, just want the chance to know more about who they are?

Funds are a bit limited and I really want a young donor, young 20's, and less impressed by UK clinics ATM.

I welcome your views/thoughts.

Thank you.


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## Sky_blue_purple (Jan 2, 2015)

Hello,

I'm in a very similar position with a naturally conceived 3 year old. Found out at christmas I have POF after 18 months of trying for a sibling. DE was an easy choice for us as our clinic said there's no point doing normal IVF so the decision was made for us. I feel lucky to have my DNA in my daughter and from what I've read, once you get pregnant, the worry about losing your genetic link pales into insignificance because you are the one making the baby. In nature vs nuture, I believe that nuture is much more influential than DNA. We also feel that it will be easier to connect to a DE baby in comparison to a father bonding with donor sperm as the father isn't as involved with the baby growing process so we were quite relieved it was that way round however we then found a sperm problem which will mean ICSI next cycle and even more money spent. It does take a while to get your head round but many of the ladies I've chatted to on FF did not get the luxury of any children without DE so I feel extra glad to have 1 naturally conceived. 

We are intending to be very open with the children about their conception and I want my child to have the opportunity to meet their donor one day if they wish to. I've read that the 1st ever donor children are now of the age where they can contact their genetic source (and the donor has no legal rights on the child) and they really appreciate having the option and finding their genetic heritage which is why we don't want to go abroad where it is anonymous (but a quicker process).  Some siblings are polar opposites even when they are naturally conceived so I don't think this will cause an issue. Don't know yet but I think the sibling will always know that they were desperately wanted which is why we are going through so much effort and spending so much money on it! 

Check out the DE board for lots of encouragement.

Good luck!


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Hello,

I had similar dilemma in that my DD was conceived with my eggs and despite further 4 years of IUI/IVF cycles all I experienced were losses or BFNs. I had real struggle to move to DE and started a thread on DE board that you might find helpful 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=302313.0

There are many other similar threads that are more recent I guess too.

After our 2nd full DE cycle we have managed to get BfP & I'm currently 18 weeks pg. I truly feel no different towards this baby than I did when my DD was growing. My body not cooperating hugely with this pregnancy so have had rather lot of dramas and complications but each time I'm faced with loss it's been totally heart wrenching as this is MY baby.

Making the decision itself was really hard for me. But once that was done the rest fell into place and didn't feel any different to OE IVf.

Best of luck as you move forward x


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you, that thread looks great xx


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Certainly helped me realise that being biological egg provider was actually not such an important thing after all. I looked into epigenetics and am feeling quietly hopeful that even though my donor wasn't really the greatest match physically my body will be switching on/off the genes that are appropriate to me.

We're undecided as yet whether will tell anyone that baby isn't from my eggs. Aside from fertility clinic, DH and people on here no-one else knows. We've been having fertility treatment on/off for around 12 years so have confirmed that it was IVf that did the trick but nothing other an that. Not said anything to my GP, midwife or antenatal unit as don't want any paper record in case we continue to think it's best kept quiet.
Do go through days/weeks where think it would be better to say but then change mind again. Don't believe there's a right/wrong decision but think individual circumstances make biggest difference. May well be that once our baby actually arrives I'll decide it would be better to tell but equally if that's not the case having ensured at this point only us parents know then I am confident it won't make any difference to how we feel as a family.


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

hi
good you are feeling positive.
I feel like everything is right with our clinic but slight thing about not id release.  DH is happy for anonymous and i like the anon rules in Greece.  
Maybe things will have chaged by time any possible    child is 18
god luck
xx


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

It's impossible to know what future will bring. Trying to second guess how you'll feel even once pg is hard let alone once baby is here. From experience I personally think the most important thing is to have confidence in what you are doing /clinic you are working with now. If you are happy with the steps you're currently taking that's what matters.

Nothing will ever be our perfect scenario so you need to go down path of least regret


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you, very true xx


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## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

Hi ladies,

I to am in a similar boat. Have a 3 year old dd who was conceived naturally 1st month ttc. Been ttc no 2 now for 2 years and have been diagnosed with low amh and had 2 filled ivf attempts.

We have decided to move to DE because I want a sibling sooner rather than later for my little girl. I just can't keep going on with the total agony and heart break of ttc and failed cycles, I am not strong enough and just want to live our lives and be happy again. 

We don't plan to ever tell anyone we used DE, I don't think I will feel any differently about the DE baby than I do about my OE dd.

X


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

That's good you have made a decision.  I ended up finding out my lining being too thick was the problem got pregnant naturally but it was ectopic and have to wait a year to try again (due to surgery).
Now have same decision about how long to try naturally and when to move to DE.  

Good luck!  It's a hard road.  xx


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## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

Oh gosh, sorry to hear about that. Does that mean you need to wait until you can do either a DE or OE cycle? Its very hard and can come as such a shock when you conceive easily first time round. Some days I still cant believe any of it has happened. 

I guess it depends how bothered you are about having an age gap between your child and next baby. I wanted a 2 year age gap and even if my 1st DE cycle works it will be 4 years. Maybe you could try naturally for 6 months and then do ivf if no luck? 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Hi
Yes you're right it's really hard when it was so easy first time around (very lucky).  I was surprised first time at how quick it was.  I feel quite knowledgable about my body now though....

I wanted a year between kiddo, or a tiny gap, it will now be 6 years which even my son complains about (he knows as he keeps asking).  It's hard when something you/people take for granted doesnt happen.

We could do freeze cycles (OE I guess, not much point doing DE freeze cycle) but have to wait til I can get pregnant.  I'm planning to get a second opinion from another doctor.  ATM I am thinking 3 months trying naturally (maybe monitored with scans as I sometimes OV late) and then OE FET or DE cycle.  Like you, want to move on with things.  It does feel like life is a bit stuck.  And seeing pregnant women everywhere and siblings is hard.

Good luck with things, you too!
x


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## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

Hey, whats the reason for your break, does your tube or womb need to recover? I get what you mean, I do feel stronger for my infertility journey and whilst I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, I believe its happened to me for a reason. 

I guess take the break and enjoy it if you can, life is so short, I try to focus on my dd and remember I will never get these years while she is little back and my family is what I have been given so I do try my best to enjoy it and see the positive even though I am so desperate for another.

Lovely to chat to you and would love to keep in touch x


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Hi
It's so my womb can recover because part of it was removed.  I will ask the consultant more about it when I see them, so I can understand it better.  
It's lovely to hear your positive attitude, thank you.
Feel free to PM me any time.  Wishing you lots of luck on your journey.  xx


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## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

I hope your womb recovery really quickly and well so that you can move on with having your rainbow!

I definitely don't feel positive all the time. I have my down days (and weeks haha).

Would love to stay in touch. Lots of luck to you x


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you xx


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