# Aggressive, violent birth family



## Mumanddad (Apr 6, 2014)

Morning ladies 

For some reason I'm having a little wobble about bm, obviously we are not meeting with bf and our info is being kept from them they don't even know our first names, FC only has our first name and nothing else which when we are at FC's thinking before you speak every time so we don't let anything slip is hard work. Bm has a prison history and is very manipulative the police don't worry her, I don't know why now this is concerning me as we've know from day one what she's like.
Has anyone else had this kind of experience


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Our lo's birth family (particularly BF) has a history of violence inc prison. They were obviously opposed to the adoption but didn't actually contest the AO much to everyone's surprise having contested everything else. The LA don't think they are a threat as such although one of the sw's on our matching panel has experience with the family and clearly thought otherwise. It was too late by then as we already had lo placed on fta. 
It does concern me slightly in that they are less than 10 miles from us and we do run a risk of bumping into them so we try to avoid the area as much as possible. I have to say over time my fears are lessening as we get on with life.
We've done 2 contact letters and only had response once from bm with a very detached letter and from what we hear BF has pretty much just moved on. BM has always been less of a concern for us as the violence was more from him.


----------



## Mumanddad (Apr 6, 2014)

Bec - our story's are very similar and luckily for us bf are about 40 miles away at the moment but bms other children are a lot further away so we are hoping that she will move back by them once this is sorted. Bf hasn't seen lo for a very long time but he did go to the good bye visit and got very upset. Bm is trying to get a photo from FC and saying she's going to kill herself, FCs info was accidentally given to bm on paperwork so she knows where she lives and has her phone number, fc is very on edge at the moment thinking bm is getting very desperate. I know it has happened yet but I'm conerned our info is passed on. When we leave FC she says to ride around for a bit to make sure no one is following us which probably doesn't help our nerves.


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Yes, we've been there.  A close member of Bug's birth family is very dangerous and has killed.  The pros in our situation are that we're very out of area from birth family, that other members of b family were supportive of the adoption and that the dangerous element has shown little or no interest in Bug.

It's the reason we're anal about photos and always check childcare security policies etc, even though the chances of recognition are slim to none.

For me, part of the problem is that there is so much paperwork, and, frankly, SWers seem so clueless about basic security, that lapses are inevitable.  FC wasn't supposed to know our surname or address... but intros included her coming to our house?!  Honestly, you just have to shake your head and get on with it.  The chances of birth family really getting it together enough to harass or follow up are actually very small, and once the psychological crisis of placement is passed, they're likely to either latch on to another interest or calm down - I know that sounds callous, but I don't mean it that way.

In the mean time, take precautions and be ruthless about your personal security simply for your own sanity.  Have a plan in mind if contact happens - not because it's likely to, because it isn't, but just to be safe.  Frankly, driving around a bit or parking somewhere safe and public when leaving seems a small precaution to take to be sure.  

If the dangerous party is in prison and has been identified as a risk to your LO, then you can ask to be notified if they're released etc.

It does get easier.    And it's worth it.


----------



## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

We are in similar situation. Both BM and BF have been in prison. BF in and out all the time. Lots of info on internet about him. We are about 25 miles away and LO is never called by her birth name as we are changing it on SW advice 

I think as long as everyone is aware and you don't tell friends or family any info you will be fine.

LO's change appearance all the time so in future may not be recognisable.

Try not to worry ☺

X


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh yes, we've never told family ANYTHING about Bug's background!  LOL!  I'm sure it drives them crazy, but as SWer said, "they don't need to know it to be good grandparents."


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I echo AOC's point that they do tend to move on once placement has been done. It does sound harsh but that's the reality. In a lot of these cases the parents lack the emotional capability to properly care for the children and once placement has been done they feel there is no more to be done and move on. That's not to say they don't love their children and will stop loving them but it's a different kind of love I think in most cases. From our perspective it certainly doesn't seem to be the all consuming, unconditional love that we feel as their parents.
Emotions run very high around placement particularly in cases that are very close to the placement order, wounds are fresh and there's not been the time to process things.


----------



## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Same for us too! 
BF is a full on nutcase who has never even met the munchkin, he isn't allowed near children. Fortunately as soon as she was placed for adoption BM & BF split up (all that was being asked of BM to keep her) they moved away separately and literally couldn't be further away.
I keep an eye on ******** to check if they have said/posted about munchkin which hasn't happened yet, but about a week before Xmas I was horrified to learn BF has shacked up with a new woman and is now the "proudest daddy" to his new little baby girl. Phoned SWers as with his history it did not make me comfortable, they couldn't have been any less interested as he has now moved on. It's made me ill with worry, I keep expecting a murdered baby in the headlines 😥

Anyway suppose I just wanted to agree with the others that ours also had moved away, and even though I did feel sorry for BM and have some empathy with her, she didn't contest AO either. I've had letters and photos from her and they were truly lovely!


----------



## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Same for us, as others have said be aware of what to an not tell
Your own family about BF. I said too
Much an I regret it massively because once words are spoken they cannot be reversed!

Are you changing LO name? That helps feel a bit more secure for me. Also, you can contact your local police station to give them your situation so if there is ever a 999 call from your residence its flagged for urgent attention. I never got round to doing this but liked that it was there if needed xx


----------

