# 2 miscarriages after IVF - scared to try again



## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Hi There,
I am new to the site, and so apologies if I am posting this in the wrong place. I am looking for some advice, support, experience or just someone to tell me it's not the end of the road.

A little background - I am 31, my DH 32 - neither of us has any children. We have been ttc since we married in August 2013 when I came off the pill. I always thought I may have trouble conceiving as the reason I was put on the pill in the first place (at age 13) was due to extremely irregular periods (3 a year). When I came off the pill, my periods did not restart. After a battle with the GP, I eventually got referred to the Gynae dept at the hospital in Oct 2014 and was prescribed Clomid which did nothing for me. We decided to go straight to a private IVF clinic for investigation instead of waiting another year of hopeless trying which the NHS prescribed.

Numerous blood tests and scans revealed what we already assumed - I have PCOS, just a lot more severe than we thought. My AMH level is over 100 and the consultant advised we had less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally. So we immediately begun our fist fresh IVF cycle in May 2015. Due to the severity of my PCOS, I was on the lowest dose of stimulation drugs as OHSS was the doctors main concern. In the end I had just four eggs retrieved - 3 fertilized, all made it to blast - we were over the moon. We transferred one of the blasts, freezing the other two, and got out very first BFP! We were ecstatic, despite having to spend a week in hospital due to the pregnancy worsening my OHSS. I didn't care - our dream was coming true - and on the first attempt! We felt blessed beyond belief. 

Had a scan at the private clinic at 7 weeks and saw the hb, and another at 10 weeks as I was adamant something wasn't right, but again all ok. Slowly, I began to relax and we headed to the NHS 12 week scan excited to see our growing baby...only to be told it was measuring correctly, but there was no heartbeat. Our world's crashed and the next three days were a blur whereby I had to have a medically managed miscarriage.

Over the next six months I struggled daily to move forward, especially as week after week another friend announced their pregnancy after a few months of trying. The pain, anger, disbelief and frustration was draining and it broke me, but we decided in February 2016 to give our frozen embies a go. I was surprisingly calm throughout the process, and felt a modest level of hope, whilst guarding my heart by not assuming it would work. But again we got a BFP - I tested early and was felling sick, so I think both embies had stuck, but two days after taking the test, I started bleeding which was light and pain free - the clinic told me to remain optimistic, but I knew it was over - I felt it. It was confirmed two weeks later (now one month ago).

So now, I don't know where to turn. I always thought I may have trouble getting pregnant, and I have comes to terms with that - but it never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to carry a pregnancy......DH says we just have to keep trying, and that it takes some people numerous IVF attempts - but from what I've read, that's because their cycles were unsuccessful, not because they continuously miscarried. Im terrified to try again as the chances of IVF working are low anyway, but even if I am lucky enough to see another BFP, I won't trust my body to hold on to it.

Should I just give up now and look into adoption? Has anyone else had a similar experience with numerous MCs from IVF but still gone on to have success? I need hope in order to look forward.....

Thank you x


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## marty123 (Dec 26, 2015)

So unbearable grief you're going through!! There are no words or no amount of advice that can take away the pain you have experienced and are presently going through. Time will heal your wound. But unfortunately it will leave a scar. Life can be beautiful. But it can also be horrible and painful. Give yourself time to figure out what your next step would be. I can't say that I know the pain you're going through (I've experienced failed round IUI). 
It s good that you’ve posted here and try to reach out. Maybe it helps to see that sadly there are so many but we can support each other. I remember me "forced" my friend to cry as she was trying to deny the importance of what happened. 
Any remembrance or ritual might help as well, I think. 
Maybe don’t force yourself for baby showers  and so on until you feel actually happy to participate. I was always feeling sick when I had to visit a pregnant friend. (I have 3 friends pregnant!) And I am not lying so much anyway, I felt sick to my stomach but I pretend I had a cold). I couldn’t put on my happy face as it was too hard. 
To try again... Often there is that one miscarriage and then the next pregnancy is good. Never give up!   I don’t know if I was helpful here. I hope you feel better soon, day by day a little bit. You will be ok eventually, no matter how long it takes.


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## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Thanks for your reply marty. You are right in that we a re lucky to have this forum for support and advice...it can be a lifeline just to have others who understand the pain we are going trough.

I am also struggling with dealing with pregnant friends - my sister-in-law (and supposed "best friend") got pregnant after trying for two months (which according to her were so difficult!) in November and I have hardly heard from her since. Other friends are pregnant too (all four weddings I went to last year are now all expecting) but she is the one Im struggling with the most. I want nothing to do with her, her pregnancy or her child to be. It's hard for DH as he and his brother used to be close, but now there is this massive wedge between the two couples. I accept that I feel jealous about their smooth and easy pregnancy, but MY baby should have been here two months ago, and it hurts that the focus (of my in-laws) is now all on them. In my view they don't deserve it yet. They only met at our wedding, and it has been a whirlwind since then...we have been trying since before they even went on their first date! It's just not fair...

Sorry for the rant, and I know I must just sound like a bitter woman, but maybe it helps for me to sometimes focus my anger on them instead of myself where it is focused most of the time. I hate my body for putting me and DH through all of this....

How about you - do you have plans to try another round of IUI?


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi vickicuk84

Welcome to FF . First I want to give you a huge hug  I'm so sorry for your losses. I understand how you are feeling right now, if you look at my signature you'll see I had a similar Mmc to you on our first cycle and on our second lost our baby in the 23rd week. Words can't really describe the emptiness and bleakness that comes with such loss, especially so after infertility. I too withdrew from friends who all seemed to be starting, adding to and completing their families, I didn't go to baby showers and stood well back at the christenings. I held the babies and smiled but wondered if I'd ever be in that position.

I went into my third cycle like a horse wearing blinkers, head down, trying not to think about what we were doing. It wasn't easy and if I'm honest a whole new set of worries came in when we discovered the cycle had been successful we'd been there before and still didn't have a baby to take home but we now have the most gorgeous baby girl from that third go.

I got so much support from FF and the people who I met through it. You might find the loss boards helpful, here's a link http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0 thoughts about future cycles can bring lots of memories and emotions flooding back and chatting to others who really understand can help a lot.

Take care  And lots of 

Dory
Xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I had a similar experience to you. PCOS, irregular cycle and even when I did get a period I was rarely ovulating. Add in Thyroid problems, suspected endo too. We started TTC 2007.
I was given clomid, hated every minute of it. Two rounds of IVF and 2 miscarriages later I felt the same (now 2010). I could handle treatment even if I was a hormonal wreck but I couldn't deal with any more losses. We decided to adopt and 2.5yrs later in Oct 2012 (delays due to me getting a really back problems) our son came home. We decided to adopt again in 2014 and were had completed all our assessment, just waiting to go to a panel of people to be approved again as adopters at the end of the summer, when I discovered I was pregnant. There is no reason that I should suddenly be able to conceive as all the problems were still there. I later discovered that my womb was tilted the wrong way which may also have been a contributing factor to my m/c's. 
My little miracle baby was born 6.5wks early and is now a 13mth old happy, healthy bundle of mischief.
I now have two wonderful boys -neither by the method I had planned but both very loved, wanted and absolutely 100% mine.

I wish you all the best on your journey to having a family but know that everyone on here is here for you, whatever path that may take. Give your heart some time to heal before making any decisions. x


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## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Ladies, thank you so much for your kind replies. Big hugs to you all too  

Dory - thank you for sharing your journey, and words can't describe how sad I am for you...to get to 23 weeks...I cannot imagine how you got through that - did you ever get any reasons for the loss? I sometimes think that it would be less painful just to accept and give up now rather than go through this pain all over again. But then I can't imagine ever not being a mum, so we have no choice but to put ourselves through this. Hearing a success story like yours gives me a huge boost and raises hopes that one day my dream will come true, so thanks! My parents have been a major support to us both (emotionally and financially), but my dad just cannot comprehend why I am choosing to put myself through this. My mum obviously gets it, but it's killing me seeing my dad so sad for me I've only ever seen my dad cry twice - the first when his dad died, and the other when I lost my first baby - I hate that Im the reason for that   but know it's only because he loves me.

Arrows - Wow, again a lovely success story! In recent weeks dh and i have discussed the option of adoption, but it appears you can't go through that process whilst also attempting IVF. How did you find the whole process? If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take and how much did it cost? I think we will probably try IVF once more in the future, but then definitely go down that route. I love hearing of natural miracles too! So glad that you have your lovely complete family now   

Thanks to all of you for your support
xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Vickicuk,
No, you need to have finished any form of treatment and had at least 6mths (a year in some counties) since your last treatment before applying. This is to allow you time to grieve and come to terms with not having a biological child and believe me, it's a good thing. Any adopted child will come with a whole host of issues you'll need to handle and accept and it takes a lot out of you emotionally, physically and mentally sometimes. 
THe process has changed since we went through it so I understand once you start it takes no more than 9mths to get approval should everything be okay. (took us nearly 2yrs, although 3mths of that was down to my bad back and our choice to delay). THe process covers your family, work histories, fertility issues if that's an aspect, finances, upbringing, support network, what kind of child you would/wouldn't accept, attitudes towards parenting etc. They try to get you to think of all the scenarios you may face to challenge you and make you realise that it's definitely NOT the same as raising a bio child and they come with a family and a history already which you also have to accept as part of them (much like when you get married you take on their family too). A lot of people want babies (0-2yrs) and so there are a lot less available and their future will hold a level of uncertainty. Traditional parenting may need to go out the window and I'd definitely recommend reading up on therapeutic parenting as we didn't and are now looking to go on a course. We adopted a 10mth old, and now at 4 he's developed more and more behavioural issues and it's clear that issues from prior to us adopting are affecting his development despite everything generally seeming okay when we read his report. An older child, already will have a much clearer profile and any issues will be more obvious. It really is a balance but if your aim is to be a family and genetics doesn't play a huge role for you, then adoption may be for you. I'd also add that you both have to be on-board.
The only cost if you adopt from the UK is your medical which is about £70-100 each. 
We did the 1st round of IVF and it was unsuccessful, so were happy to proceed with adoption. We only did the 2nd round because in-laws offered to pay and we didn't want to wonder 'what if?'

I tell my eldest that loving him so much fixed my broken tummy, which he loves to hear and as I have no scientific explanation it'll have to do!


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Vicki I felt just the same, that I was putting all those I loved through so much pain    I think it makes all the love for this little one all the stronger. Sadly the reasons behind our late loss were a randomly occurring condition that is rare affects around 1:30000 pregnancies 😔 So we there was no increased risk to future pregnancies but still we had lots of extra monitoring.

Take care and don't loose hope, like arrows said these things rarely happen the way we think they will xxx


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## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Arrows - thank for the information on adoption...I totally understand the issues that this process comes with - DH's mother is adopted (as his grandmother suffered numerous mc's) so it is helpful to have her to talk to regarding the emotional rollercoaster (I imagine in practice, the process is far different to what it was back in the '60's). I think we have decided on trying one more fresh cycle before giving up or dreams on a biological child and starting the adoption process.

I have finally persuaded my consultant to do the repeat mc testing which he has agreed to do through the NHS for us, which we are grateful of. I have had ten vials of blood taken to test for God knows what, and am booked in for a Hysteroscopy in ten days time which I am quite scared about. Also, I don't know whether I want them to find a problem or not! In some respects, if something is found, there is the hope that it can be "fixed" (or managed), but then I don't want there to be something else wrong with me either.....every part of this process is a battle!

DH and I have booked a holiday for the end of the month in an attempt to pass the time quicker and distract ourselves (yeah, right!) before all the results are back and we get the OK to try another fresh cycle if we decide....

How are all you girls doing? Love and strength to you all
xxx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi Vicki

Sending you lots of hugs.

Your story isn't too dissimilar to my own - first trimester miscarriage and chemical pregnancy. I can totally understand how you're feeling right now. The grief, the fear, the hopelessness. I, and so many of us on FF, have lived through the very same feelings you are experiencing right now so a lot of ladies will read your post and be nodding their heads in agreement and sadness.

When you're stuck in this very dark place it can be so hard to see beyond your current situation. No one can tell you which direction to take as only you know how much more pain you and your DH can take. However, as an outsider who has gone through IVF five times I'd definitely not lose hope. You have age and time on your side which are big positives. It gives you the chance to do more in-depth tests (should you wish to do them) and allows you time to collect your thoughts and grieve for your recent and former loss rather than being forced into another cycle because of the ticking biological clock.

I suffered from OHSS in my first cycle due to PCOS and getting pregnant and I was terrified of getting it again. Like your clinic, on my second cycle my clinic adopted a cautious approach and only put me on 75 Gonal F. Consequently I under-stimulated and ended up with only a few mediocre blasts. To combat the issue of OHSS yet still getting enough eggs to play with, my final fresh cycle was an agonist protocol. This meant that I DR'd and Stimmed in the same way on a higher dose of Gonal F to produce a good number of follies. However, when it came to the trigger shot I administered Buserilin rather than an HCG shot like Overtril. This meant that the moment the shot was given, my follies stopped growing (I understand this isn't the case with an HCG shot). Upshot was, 16 eggs were retrieved and we achieved top class embryos. So this may be something worth asking your consultant about - if there is a way of adapting your protocol so that you get more eggs without putting you at increased risk of OHSS.

It's hard to know why IVF fails but in basic terms it's usually either down to the embryo quality (eggs and sperm) and/or the uterine environment. Unless you have PGS/PGD genetic testing done on your embryos, what may look like a good quality blast under a microscope doesn't always mean it's viable to go on to develop into a baby. There are lots of ways to improve sperm and egg quality in a natural way if that is where the issue lies. You're lucky (as was I) that having PCOS at least does give you a good ovarian reserve, even though I absolutely understand that having the condition can feel like more of curse than a blessing ... The more embryos you can create, in theory, the better chance you have of success, but of course only if those blasts are chromosomally sound. At this early stage in your journey you may not wish to follow this route as it is expensive. Instead, you may prefer to investigate the uterine side of things which is probably the approach your recurrent mc clinic will take. 

In terms of the uterine environment it could be accountable to something 'simple' like adhesions, polyps or scar tissue from old infections/operations etc. A hysteroscopy will tell you whether you have any issues of this kind that can be treated. Alternatively, your body may not be 'receptive' to carrying an embryo. This means that you could have immune issues which although don't manifest themselves in everyday life can prevent an embryo from implanting and developing beyond the first few weeks. I won't confuse you with talk of NK cells and hidden infections as it's too much to take on board when you're trying to grieve. However, when you feel ready to learn more about this 'silent' reason so many of us experienced loss and/or multiple BFNs, then Agate's guide under the Immune Boards thread is really helpful for taking the next investigative steps. 

I was in your shoes 18 months ago albeit older and four cycles down. I really didn't know what to do and couldn't see IVF ever working for us. As we always achieved blast stage I liked to believe that the issue rested with my body as opposed to egg and sperm quality. I didn't know if I was deluding myself but it was easier to investigate the uterine issues first and take it from there. I felt sure there was some underlying issue that my clinic wasn't picking up and I was sick of the 'it's just bad luck' line they continually fed me. Thanks to this lovely forum and lots and lots and lots of research I decided to have my immune issues checked. I went to a private gynaecologist in London who ran £2k worth of tests to determine that yes, I did indeed have immune issues. We couldn't afford to investigate any other possible causes for our failures so I had to take a leap and faith and hope it was 'just' the immunes that needed treating. Once I had the results I felt reassured to a point that a possible answer had been found, but I was so tired and emotionally drained after 5 years TTC that I didn't at that time have the strength to go through a final cycle. In all honesty, had it been a fresh cycle I'm not sure I ever would have gone through it again. Despite heading for 40 I took over a year out to get my head in the right place and to get to a point of relative acceptance that if our final FET didn't work I could move on to adoption. The maternal urge in the end was too strong and I went for it one more time. But not before I'd undergone 6 months of hypnotherapy to deal with all my anger, pain and hopefulness, and followed a punishing anti-inflammatory diet (in an effort to lower my immunes naturally)! 

I know you're probably sick of people saying this to you, but on average it takes three FRESH rounds of IVF for couples to have their take-home baby. So in effect you've only had one attempt although please don't think I'm not sensitive to how even just one fresh and an FET is punishing enough. What I'm just hoping to reassure you is that you're no way out of the game yet, and should you choose to stay in it, you have every reason to hope that with the right treatment you could very well be one of the lucky ones. Frustratingly, and painfully, so much of this is a learning curve for us, as well as for our Drs. We all respond differently and on a different month we could find success and fail on another. In a way it is a little bit like natural conception in that sometimes timing and luck play a massive part (although there is plenty you can do to give fate a big fat nudge!) Although it's so, so hard, try to look at the positives - you have a good ovarian reserve, you're getting to blast stage, and you've achieved a 100% implantation rate. They are massive positives in your favour, alongside your age, even though I know it's hard to see the wood for the trees at times. Your consultant has lots of favourable things to go on so please try not to despair. The road may be long and bumpy sometimes but the strength you gain going through this will make you a far better mum when the time comes. 

As for dealing with family and friends' pregnancies you'll hear a collective sigh from every one of us on FF! There is no easy way to deal with it. It hurts and that is perfectly natural. If I can just give you one piece of advice from my own experience, is don't compare your life to anyone else. Getting pregnant isn't a competition. Let them enjoy their moment and have faith that one day you'll have yours. For now, protect yourself as much as you can and if you need to avoid friends for a while give yourself permission to do so. It's all about self-preservation sweetheart. You need to focus your strength and attention on you. You don't have it to waste on others.

Please do keep posting or feel free to PM me if I can help or offer any advice. For now, take time to grieve and take pleasure in the aspects of your life that you do feel in control of and which give you comfort. 

x


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## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Oh Hopefulshell, thank you so so much for your post. It had me in tears, and I am so sorry to hear you have been through this hell too...but your words have been such a comfort for me.

One of the main issues I want to discuss with the consultant after we've received the results from the blood tests and the hysteroscopy, is if we do try again, how can we try and increase the number of eggs retrieved. Even though I was hospitalised with OHSS, I would suffer it much more if it meant we got say double the number of eggs we did this time around. All through the first fresh cycle I was warned that the severity of my PCOS could mean that the cycle was cancelled before ER, and the doctor was over the moon to have got 4. To me, this is a poor number, from what I had read online, but I was just happy that he was happy, and to have three blasts, I thought we were guaranteed at least one success!! Oh, how naive and optimistic I used to be...... 

I wonder if this could have just been a "bad batch" of eggs? My body has never released any, so perhaps these were the weak ones that were given up easily? This is the kind of nonsense I tell myself to try and justify what has happened.....

DH reminds me regularly that it takes on average 3 fresh cycles for success, but in my head this is when people have experienced BFN's - to me it seems it's just my body letting me down after having been lucky enough to get 2 BFP's!!! What if I don't get that chance again!?!? Argh...let's see what the tests come back with.

Your view for dealing with friend's pregnancies is so strong! I have five friend's who got pregnant between my two mc's - four of which I am happy for, but the last, my sister-in-law, I am not coping well with at all...I just cannot bare to see her and her bump. In my opinion they are not ready, and undeserving, which makes me sound like just the most awful person. I haven't seen them since Jan (and she hasn't asked to see me) and the longer it goes, the harder it's going to be! I feel like she has let me down as a friend (not by getting pregnant, but the way she has dealt with it and avoided me), and I would happily never see her again. But she's family now which makes it so difficult.

Im just so so grateful for DH, my family and you guys on FF who understand this mad mix of feelings going on!

I see from your signature that you had a BFP earlier in the year - fingers crossed that this one stays sticky! How are you feeling? I bet scared, excited, terrified and optimistic all in one go - thinking of you
xx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Thank you - I'm pleased my post provided you with a bit of comfort.

With regards to OHSS, I had 26 eggs collected on my first round and ended up in hospital. It coincided with having a mc so all in all, I had to take 3 months off work due to ill health. I couldn't walk properly for weeks as any pressure on my ovaries was agony! Although the quest for a baby seemingly overrides the fear of OHSS your clinician is quite right in trying to avoid it as much as possible. In hindsight, I think my clinic was wrong for not doing a freeze-all cycle when I had so many eggs collected but hey ho, hindsight and all that! However, this could be something else to discuss with your consultant. It is worth finding out how your clinic freeze their embryos. When I had my first FET the success rates were far lower than a fresh cycle. By the time I had my second one the rates were pretty much on a par as my clinic had switched its freezing and thawing process. Compare the success rates of both as it might be feasible to have your embryos frozen to give your body a chance to fully recover before ET.

With regards to friends and family, I wore the 'mask' for years - outwardly appearing happy and fine while silently dying inside every time I heard yet another pregnancy announcement. My SiL announced her pregnancy on the exact same day I got a BFN. You really couldn't make it up! The only saving grace is she lives out in Australia so I didn't have to physically see her growing bump or meet my nephew in person as a newborn. I did have to suffer the endless pictures though ... I was too ashamed to admit to friends and even some family members how much I was struggling with pregnancy announcements and generally just being around young kids. I thought that if I tried to explain how I felt I'd be perceived as bitter or miserable and that wasn't how I wanted to come across. It takes an understanding person who has never faced infertility to look beyond the negative emotions you may be displaying. Luckily I have an extremely supportive family and an amazing husband so this helped no end. I did lose a long-term friend of 20 years who was really insensitive and rubbished my mc as no big deal. I never forgave her for that so slowly let the friendship slide. Turns out she wasn't the friend I'd always thought. At my darkest stage it almost got to the point where I avoided going out full stop because it seemed every time I stepped outside my house I was greeted by bumps and babies. A weekly trip to the supermarket invariably ended in me running to my car after paying for my shopping so I could blub in private!! So yes, in the end I guess I took a selfish stance and if I couldn't deal with seeing pregnant friends or plaster on that fake smile at baby-related events I simply avoided them. I made my excuses and told myself I was doing it to protect my feelings. It helped protect my feelings yes, but also made me feel very isolated at times. I found that the people who genuinely loved and cared about me understood and made allowances for my tears. Those who didn't weren't worth it any way. I found support from people I never would have expected and likewise didn't always get it from the people I did. It is hard when it's family rather than friends. I'm a massive people-pleaser and would never make waves in the family just to protect my own feelings. When it comes to family try to show you're taking an interest yet without having her pregnancy shoved in your face. Sending text messages, cards or thoughtful gifts is a way to show that you care and gets you a 'get out of jail card' when you 'suddenly' develop a migraine at the next family gathering  

I'm a very selfless person ordinarily but there are times when you do have to put yourself first. There will be plenty of people around to touch a bump and offer congratulations to your SiL. You don't have to put yourself in that position if it will only hurt you to do so. 

In answer to your question, yes, I feel all those emotions you describe  

Take care and keep your chin up.

x


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## danceintherain (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi Vicki

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. 

I have PCOS and had OHSS on both fresh cycles. Out of 7 cycles, I had three pregnancies - two ended in miscarriage. I was honestly at a point where I was close to giving up, but I'm currently 7 months pregnant after my 7th cycle. 

With PCOS we are more likely to create unviable embryos - my consultant insists that the reason for my miscarriages was simply that the embryo was not viable (even though we saw a heartbeat each time). For this reason it can take a bit longer to achieve a successful IVF pregnancy. 

Another potential issue is that women with PCOS sometimes do better if they freeze all the embryos in a fresh cycle, and wait until the uterine environment has normalised before transferring the frozen embryo. My successful pregnancy was from a frozen cycle. 

After two miscarriages, I also considered PGS (testing the embryos for viability) before transfer. I would have felt more reassured knowing that I wasn't transferring a non-viable embryo that either wouldn't implant or would give me a BFP only to end in miscarriage.  I didnt end up doing this as I was too late in the process to take that option, but might well have done if I had ended up doing another fresh cycle. 

I can't offer you much advice on the number of eggs collected. I had around 19 collected each time I think - my stims dose was moderate, and I had the burserelin trigger. My consultant told me that with PCOS, the higher the number collected, the more likely there would be a lot of unviable ones, so they were ideally aiming for a lower number than this I think. 

After two miscarriages I admit I was scared to try again too, and have been anxious during this pregnancy. I've found a lot of support on here during my subsequent cycles and pregnancy.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Xxx


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## Vickicuk84 (Apr 26, 2016)

Hopefulshell - thanks again for message - it's reassuring to know Im not alone in these feelings. I have written numerous text massages to my SiL, in an attempt to bridge the gap that is growing between us, but have never sent them. I feel like she is the one who should be making the effort. I have had two (possibly three as we don't know whether both embies implanted on out last FET) babies die inside of me, and she got pregnant instantly and all has been fine. In my head, she needs to prove that she's my friend still! The last message I received from her was on the day my second mc was confirmed, 6 weeks ago now saying "we're here for you" - but since then nothing, so Im like "how exactly have you been here for me?" It's like she said that to make herself feel better but is too cowardly to actually contact me. I'm going to happily avoid that side of the family for at least the rest of the year as DH's parents have been equally as insensitive. We haven't seen them since January, and despite inviting them to stay this weekend, they can't as their precious cat is ill - no worries about your son who is grieving then! DH isn't bothered as he's never been close to them, but I can comprehend how a mother can be so cruel. Anyway, Im just going to try and push them to the back of my mind and focus on my family who have been great. It's my nieces 7th Birthday this weekend, and I can't wait to celebrate with her - she and my 4 year old nephew (together with DH of course) are the reason Im still here and get out of bed in the morning - they are my world  

Danceintherain - thanks for sharing your story - you are amazingly strong for going through 7 cycles, and I am praying for the safe arrival of your baby in 2 months - no less than you deserve after all you have been through! Your story also gives me hope! I didn't realise that PCOS could contribute to the quality of the embies - I just assumed that given the high egg reserve, we were more likely to have some decent ones in amongst them! On my fresh cycle the consultant had warned me that they may choose to do a freeze all, but I was adamant I wanted a fresh transfer, and then when it was positive, I was so pleased. It was only after receiving the positive result that the OHSS got so bad that I was hospitalised for a few days (consultant was away at this time, and as soon as he returned he discharged me, as it wasn't that sever and he said I just needed to rest). It cleared up after a couple of weeks (I had a month off work in total) and the preganancy progressed, with 2 scans at 7 and 10 weeks showing us the heartbeat. So I don't know what went wrong - I don't believe the OHSS contributed to the mc, but who knows.

I don't know how I would feel with a freeze all cycle....after the whole process of DRing, stimming and ER, I just want my embies back where they should be asap, but I guess I just have to take the professional's advice. I think next time my mind will be saying "well, if they're not in you, then they're safe and you're not going to miscarry" perhaps I'll never persuade myself to go through ET again  

I shall certainly be remaining on here support and advice - it's been invaluable and reassuring.

All the very best - take care of yourselves, both of you!
xx


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