# help!



## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

After waiting five months to see a consultant, we have an appointment tomorrow morning at the hospital to speak to them to see 'if' the NHS will support us with ivf and surrogacy.
What do I say, what do I do?  What am I asking for exactly - Am I asking if they will fund one round of ivf?
I am an anxious mess.
How should I act, desperate (which i am) or calm and focused?

eeeeeek

Lisa


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## apricot (Apr 21, 2008)

Hi there - dont know much about the NHS process but I should imagine that you need to ask them to fund IVF for you and your partner and then to fund putting the embryos back into the surrogate. As usual I suspect it depends on where you live as to what they will do. You will have to find your own surrogate. 

What you do need to ask though is what sorts of tests will they require from you, your partner and the surrogate. You should also ask what else they need to see such as your contract with the surrogate, your insurance and whether you need to get a counsellors report too for you all to say you understand what you are doing. If you join one of the groups like COTS or SUK then they can help you meet a surrogate and have all the paperwork you need.

Sorry I cant be more helpful but I am not sure of the NHS system but hopefully you can discuss some of these points if they are willing to fund you.

Good luck!!
xxxxxx


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## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

Morning all, thanks for responses. I wish I had posted sooner
I am leaving in half hour, just getting dressed.
I am in such a mess about it, really nervous and a bit upset as it means the world to me / us ...

I have to go back to the same unit where my last two children died (one at a week old, one at one day old), I am nervous about seeing the consultant who I last saw seven months ago when Joseph died. Sadly my husband cannot come today so I have to face this stress and worry alone    I am trying to be brave

I am still struggling to get my head around it all. Gareth and I have no problame with egg / sperm, I just go into labour too early and have had life threatening placental abruptions twice. 

Right so I need to ask if they will fund ivf and transfer into a surrogate (I have had some offers)
Ask what else we will need to pay for
How long we have to wait
Tests i will need
Counselling?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Not sure I can do this.

Is it true sperm has to be frozen for one year before it can be used for a surrogate? so this needs to be done asap doesnt it?

Will be back later
Lisa xxx


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## Guest (Mar 11, 2010)

Just wanted to say   for your meeting Lisa.

I think the quarantine time is 6 months rather than a year but yes - get it done as soon as poss really, then that's all ready.   

Do let us know how it goes!!


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## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

just popped on little wish quickly before leaving
it says my eggs may have to be frozen for 6 months too? so that really needs to happen soon if they agree doesnt it ...

hear t racing and have been sick once already. now stressing what to wear! silly me

thanks guys (((hugs)))


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## Val123 (Jan 24, 2009)

I have heard some clinics will do a fresh transfer if the Surrogate signs a consent form, but whether that still applies I don't know.

I just wanted to wish you luck on the first step in your big new adventure.  I'm sure it won't be a bad as you think, because you are stressing out so much if will all feel so much more scary.  I hope the staff are really sympathetic to your situation and help you all you can.

Look forward to hearing how you get on.  Take care.

Val x


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## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

home, pretty hysterical
answer was no
beyond devastated. i have lived for last 5 months praying something could just go right in my life, praying for hope. no hope now

paying the surrogate fees would have crippled us financially so there is 100& no way we pay pay private ivf on top. no way

end of line. i thought my pathetic life had been ruined enough burying two precious children but i should have known it wouldnt stop there. i am hysterical mess now. feel there is no hope of me ever having a life again.

have come to bed to cry and cry


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## ladynecta (Jun 25, 2009)

Having read you posts, I can't leave without giving you a   I know it doesn't really help but I'm not in a position to offer advice. My heart goes out to you and how much grief you have been through. Also sending loving thoughts to you angels in Heaven


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## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

the drive for a living baby after losing our three babies is horrendous. i cant think of anything else. right now i have no life at all


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## apricot (Apr 21, 2008)

Oh my love you have had such a rough time and I am sooo sorry, you will see from my profile that I know a bit of how you are feeling. So have a good cry and hug your DH tight and then take a deep breath cause youve taken the first step to a baby through surrogacy just by deciding that this is your path! 

As Michelle said now is definitely not the time to give up - you have every bit of the ingredients needed for a baby - you just need another oven to cook the embies in. So you have eggs and your DH has sperm and you are both healthy - second step sorted, you are already well on the road to your baby. 

Step 3 either do IVF now at a private clinic or get some sperm frozen as a minimum, plus all your blood tests. Nearly all clinics will want you to have either embies or sperm frozen for 6 months first, we used frozen embies although at that time our clinic waived the 6 month rule with the surrogates permission. Yes this is expensive but it wont get any cheaper so beg steal and borrow and sell anything thats not nailed down. Then you can relax knowing time has stopped while your embies are in the freezer and take your time to find and get to know your surrogate.

Step 4 Once you have a surro then you will have your agreement meeting, counselling, and off you go! Surrogacy is not cheap but you pay as you go along so you dont need to find all the money upfront and for us it just means no holidays for a couple of years and cutting back on any luxuries (Tesco jeans for me!) - it is a sacrifice, but when the baby comes it will be years of sacrifice so Im getting used to it now!!

So as you can see you are already off along the surrogacy path just by deciding to try for a baby through surrogacy and now you are starting to work out how you can go about it. You are always going to come up against dead ends BUT that is only because the right path is waiting to be found - but it will be there and at the end of it will be your baby  . Your only barrier at the moment is money which is a great barrier to have, because this is the one that can be fixed and you can do something about.

So just wanted to send you a big hug for today but also to say a huge congratulations, because you have chosen your route to having a baby, and there will be a load more tears along the way, but none so wonderful as when you hold your forever baby for the first time.     

A xxxxxxxxxx


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## Val123 (Jan 24, 2009)

Lisa, I feel soo bad for you I really do. I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you a huge cuddle  

Apricot makes a LOT of sense.  I know it all seems like the end of the world at the minute, but do it in bite size chunks.  Do the IVF first - scrape the money together for that and get some embies on ice.  Then you can take the quarantine time to work out how to raise the money and find a surrogate.  Like Apricot said, surrogate's expenses aren't paid in one huge lump sum, they are generally paid in monthly instalments which would be easier for you to manage.

I really really really hope that once you get over this disappointment that you can start to see light at the end of the tunnel and remember it is a whole journey.  You have to start somewhere, take it a step at a time and eventually you will get to the end )

Take care hun and don't give up on your dreams  where there's a will there IS a way.

Val xxx


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## lisasStars (Oct 26, 2009)

you girls have been amazing
thanks so much
gareth holding out and isnt happy about any of it
money / failure / 
hysterical with tears. dreams ended


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## apricot (Apr 21, 2008)

Hi there, just wanted to send you a hug and to say that I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I know it all feels totally hopeless at the moment, but the sun will come out again and you will find the strength to keep going if that is what you want to do. Please PM me at anytime and if you need a chat just let me know your number and i will give you a call.

   xxxxxxxxxxx


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## nostalgicsam (Jul 1, 2005)

lovely post apricot, lisasStars I also hope you're feeling a bit better today, do use this forum to let it all out
(I have pm'd you btw)
Sam
x


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## Marie71 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hello there,
I agree with lgft - don't give up yet. In your position, I would find a doctor sympathetic to your cause. Disapproving or even just lukewarm doctors will not succeed in getting you funding. Once you have found someone to fight your corner (and you are able to change your GP or ask for another consultant to give you a second opinion) you need to ask them to write to your PCT and ask for EXTRAORDINARY funding, not infertility funding. It goes before a panel, and each case is decided on its own merits. Different PCT's have different criteria, but some give out money for the IVF part of surrogacy, up to egg collection. You will not get funding for the surrogacy part, however. But get the embies on ice, and you never know what's around the corner - a friend could step forward/ your finacial situation could improve etc.

Wishing you all the very best


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## OD2 (Oct 1, 2007)

One other reassuring thought is that (whatever you may read in the media) there are no fees involved in surrogacy in the UK, just reasonable expenses.  For some surrogates this is a lot of money (over £10k in some cases if, for example, she has to have time off a well paid job) but for many it's much less because being pregnant doesn't impact their lifestyle financially all that much.  I was offered a cycle of IVF for surrogacy on an exceptional basis as someone else described so it definitely is possible - you just need to get a consultant on side.  The other thing to consider if/when you're ready is straight surrogacy - this is where the surrogate donates her egg as well as carrying the pregnancy for you, so you'd have to become comfortable with having a baby which isn't genetically yours, but you wouldn't have any clinic costs.  Just a thought.  Good luck with whatever you decide - you've been through so much, but everyone here understands.  

Fx


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