# feeling so upset, desperate and panicky!



## lyns76

Hi All.

Holy sh*t i feel terrible!

Having really bad time of it again at the moment, feel in utter despair.
Cant believe that i have allowed myself to get in this state again when i have been blessed with a happy and healthy son.
Havent been too bad through the start of the year but since June/July time all i have thought about is wanting another child.  Done nothing but cry the past few months....everytime i hear of another pregnancy it breaks my heart and i feel awful because i should be so happy for them.  I sometimes feel like i am gonna have panic attacks when i think of possibly not being able to have another and i feel so bitter towards my husband i feel like a complete cow bag.  Cant believe how i have gone from being such a happy person to a complete miserable and depressed woman, does anyone els feel like this.
I love my son more than anything in the worls so why cant i be happy and just move on
I sound vile but i just dont feel 'normal' or that i can be happy again unless i have 2 children!!!!

Sorry to rant, just so down.

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sleepypenguin

Lyns

You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal. For the last few years I said so many times I would be happy with one child and I felt so blessed when despite MF IF we were lucky enough to have success on our 1st ICSI but since A was 3 months I have been getting more and more obsessed with having another child. I too feel selfish when we are so lucky to have one which many woman on here would do anything for. I don't know about you I just always assumed I would have at least 2 children without complications and that assumption has been taken away for us. I dread when my antenatal friends start getting pg with number 2. My live revolves around A abd he is the amazing child and I too feel guilty for wanting another child and him having to share us but I also want him to have a playmate.

Have you talked to your OH? It is so easy for this to take over your life again but to put it into perspective I remind myself who lucky we actually are.

x


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## wishing4miracle

dont worry lovey im having one of those moments at the min.totally angry and jelous of people who get pg without hardly any trying at all.just saw someone say their pg on ** and i see pics and announcements all the time on there and it gets to me.tried 2 months and fell pg,well good for you!!!!!!!! ooooooooooohhhhhhhh im angry.really i shouldnt as we have 2 gorgeous men in bed upstairs and im very grateful for our blessing but i still feel hurt and angry when i find out people are pg or have just had a baby.feel like a bad person for feeling like it.you would have thought things change after having a baby but for me in away it has got worse.then fear sets in as we should be going again in feb/march.


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## lyns76

Wishingformiracle its so hard isnt it.

I think ** is whats started me getting obsessed again, finding out ladies that i went to baby group with are all getting pregnant again.
I feel so guilty because i can no longer take my little boy to mother and baby group because i get so upset on hearing about the mums having their 2nd and 3rd.  Also dread party's as i feel like i am increasingly becoming the only one with just one child.
My job ends at the end of the month as i have been on a temporary contract for a year and i have managed to find a new job but now also worrying how i am going to be able to have further treatment as my new job will be 4 hours a day Mon to Fri so just to add to my stress dont know how i will be able to have scans etc without telling my boss at work.
We have three frozen embreos from our last succesful cycle so obviously we will try them first but i feel so negative about them as i have tried FET on a few occasions with no luck.
To be honest i feel completely negative about everything at the moment and its really changing me.

Lyns xx


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## Katie4

I understand where you are entirely. 


My only suggestion would be to be kind to yourself and try to avoid the groups you feel rubbish in and also, don't worry about your new job. For all you know your boss or their partner could have been in the same boat or be in the same boat. You will work everything out.


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## loobie75

hia lyns - i understand too - i have a ds who is 7 in january, we've been ttc2 since oct 06.  ive had 3 miscarriages in that time, the first was a mmc at 12 weeks - we'd already told ds he was going to have a sibling, it broke our hearts to have to tell him there would be no baby.

i take him to school late so as to miss the other mums who all have at least one other.  ive lost lots of friens over the years/months to protect myself and cos sif has turned me into a bitter person   it just doesn't seem fair, most of my friends have had 2 whilst ive been trying for 1.

i hate september cos its a new school year, i feel a failure as a mum - i hate xmas cos thats when ive had 2 miscarriages.

AC told me no chance of conception and wouldn't treat me so natural is the only way - we can't afford the thousands needed for private.

it breaks my heart everyday that my ds is still on his own, i panic age gap is too much and i should stop but i can't.

i really know where you are at. it is hard as everywhere you go as a family there seem to be bumps and babies.  its bleeming hard.

i just wanted to say do what you need to to protect yourself and don't let anybody tell you its wrong or whatever else, until soembody has suffered if/sif they have no clue!!

im always lurking if you need to chat - take care of yourself.  i also am not the happy go lucky i used to be, very angry i feel  

i really hope we all achieve our dream soon xxxxxxxxxxx


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## lyns76

loobie 75, 

Sorry for your heartache, it's so hard isnt it.
No one will ever understand how it makes you feel.
First of all dont worry about the age gap.  There is ten years between me and my brother and we love each other dearly, the gap has never affected us.  He had his mates and i had mine so we never felt like we misse out on anything at all and to be honest it was fanatstic for me to be an aunty at 16!! i loved it.
To be honest i will keep on trying until i achieve my dream, i will only stop when we can no longer afford treatment and at that stage i will look into adoption.
At least we know we are mummies and have had that wonderful experience of holding our new borns.  Some ladies will never get to experience what we have.
Lots of people have only one child but its just harder for us as its out of our control, we havent chose to just have one child.

I was looking back at some of the really old post the other night and there were lots of ladies just like us that were upset and longing to have another child and most of them did go on to announce that they were expecting again so it did make me feel better.
Try and be postitive as you know that you have been able to get pregnant naturaly and i am sure it will happen again.
Unfortunately due to my hubby's sperm test results it is very unlikely that we will concieve naturaly but it def wont stop me trying inbetween treatments.
Have you had any immune tests
That may give you some answers.

Best of luck honey, 
Thinking of you, 

Lyns xxxx


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## loobie75

hey lyns -   thanks for what you said about the age gap - hearing from siblings with big age gaps always makes me feel much better, thansk for that  

most of the time im really positive, just been having a hard couple days with it.  you are right we do have our lo's and my ds is my world, like you say we didn't choose to have just one i think its the not being in control that gets to me.  i want to see him be a big brother, i will keep going til it happens.

my gp whos very good and knows about all my struggles think the mc's have been very bad luck and that i need to keep trying and not stress.  i take lots of vits everyday - if nothing else im wrinkle free    and you can hear me coming  .  since feb ive been havng reflexology with a fertility expert (she may have to have back op though and not work for 6mths  that doesn't happen).  its doing something as i used to be cold all the time and now im opposite - warm all the time, think my circulation has improved which is good.  she does reiki too at the end to 'heal' me! much calmer than i was.  i take metformin to regulate my cycle, since the mc in june ive had regular 28 days so halved my met dose and hoping it continues.

this week trying low carb diet - dh works 12 hour nights so bored on my own and hard not to snack but have done well this week.

am hoping this will all help, i have also joined a local gym which opens in a couple of weeks so will get fit and hopefully help me get pg.

i like reading the stories you talk about gives me hope!! thanks for posting me you've made me slap myself and be determined again!!

i hope things work soon for you - doyou have a treatment planned - good luck too, i will look out for your posts

thanks again     xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## lyns76

Hi Loobie 75.

My GP has sent a referal letter back to the clinic for me, apparently this is what you have to do if it has been over two years since your last treatment.  The clinic said i should get sent an appointment within 4 weeks.  Will then probably have to have some of my hormones rechecked via blood tests and scans to make sure all is ok with ovaries and womb and then hopefully we should be able to start again.
we have three frozen embreos left from our last succesfull cycle so will give them a shot before moving onto ICSI again.
To be honest i dont feel very positive about the frozen embreos because we have never got them to work on other attempts but you never know i suppose.

Feel very weepy and not at all looking forward to the possible heartache of negative results again but i really do need to give it my best shot.  I just so want to start enjoying my life again.  Been down about it all since my little boy turned one!!!
You know i am sure that if we didnt have fertility issues i wouldnt be thinking about trying again for about another year but it seemed like forever to get my son and i feel like i need to restart everything again as i am 35 next year and my clinic says that the success rates of IVF/ICSI can start to go down after the age of 35 !!!
Also worrying because i start my new job on 1st November, god knows how i am gonna hide it from my new boss, to be honest i dont really care what they think though.
Gonna get hubby to have another sperm test as well just to see if anything has improved- i doubt it though!

How are you feeling honey ??

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## PocketRocket

Hi,

Hope you don't mind me joining in your thread.. Having just read all of your posts - well, it was just like reading my thoughts!!! I feel exactly the same as you girls.. so nice to hear others feel like me   


My LO is six months old and I have been dreaming of another baby since he was about 8 weeks old!! Like you all said, it feels so wrong and selfish to be wishing for another baby especially as I already have a little angel (at one point, I never thought I would have!) But it is because he makes me soooooo happy and complete that I desperately want to feel this joy and happiness all over again!! 


My friends are also starting on number 2s and to hear them saying that they would like a two year age gap, would like their children to be in consecutive year groups at school... oh to be able to have the choice!!!!! 


Anger, jealousy, anxiety, panic, worry - all such negative emotions    that come with the IF journey hey   


Thanks for feeling the same as me!!!     


Pocket Rocket xxx


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## loobie75

hey lyns   i hope you can get started with your treatment soon - you just never know and i'll   it works for you.  it does feel very much like everything is on hold doesn't it - i often feel left behind specially now ds is so much older - i feel i have to justfiy why he is only one and how much this is not what we want.

i only ever had clomid but the bfns' were always so so hard. i hope your treatment works for you first time so you can move on from this terrible journey.

try not to stress about your new job - put yourself first always, i do now at work.  i used to always be in early and giving my all, then when i had the mmc i felt undervalued as i have with the subsequent losses and always put myself first - 

had reflexology wed, she is optimistic im going to ov anytime, this means my cycles touch wood are still ok even though ive halved the medication! its been difficult with dh's shifts trying to squeeze in bms - its an added stress i could do without but i refuse to stop trying.  ive told dh he can becvome a househusband if it ever works so he is bribed by this!! 

have you any plans for weekend  

hello pocket - don't ever feel guilty hun, everyonje has dif circumstances and is at a different place but we all have if/sif in common. its very hard, specially when friends seem to very easily have other babies.  i hope you achieve your dream soon xxxxxxxxx


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## lyns76

hi Girls, hope you are all ok.

Had a bad start to this week again with feeling so low but feel a little better today, although i am in a complete mardy with my hubby.  i honestly feel like i could have a panic attack sometimes.
I know i am not the only person who may never have two children but i somehow feel like an incomplete family with just one child, sounds ridiculous i know and i never imagined i would feel like this, before having my son i just wanted to be a mummy and not at all bothered about how many i would have.
I feel like a failure and seem to be taking it out on everyone at the moment and unfortunately my marriage is suffering again for it.
My husband would be over the moon to be a Dad again but he has told me that he is completely happy to only have one child if thats how its meant to be, just sometimes wish he could feel how i feel.
i guess because of his low sperm count that he is just happy to have been able to father his own child.
I would never wish this upon anyone but i really do wish i had a close friend that was or had been through the same thing.  My friends care but dont really understand how i feel.  i havent told anyone apart from my husband how i am feeling again because they just dont understand.  Before i had my little boy some of my friends found it hard to tell me they were pregnant which made me feel worse thats why i really dont want them to know again!!
They all think that i am now completely happy.  Of course i am happy and over the moon to be a mum, just feel something missing still.
I love my husband to bits and i sound awful for saying this but i just feel some resent towards him, i know its not his fault but he doesnt even seem to be bothered by it at times.

God i really needed that rant!!!!!!!!

All being well our dreams will come true and we can all finaly move on

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## loobie75

hey lyns   i hear you, i know where you are coming from.  sif can be a very lonely place, its so hard because you can't sheild yourself - you have to go to the park and other family places - i find i struggle with this - dh does parks, i can't cope its too much seeing my ds as the only one on his own.  of course my dh thinks ive over thinking everything - i think men don't have the same emotions completely in regard to this - my dh also said if we just have one he will be happy even though he would love another.  he deals with it differently and just gets on with things, he has always been very upset at the mcs or if AF has been late and we've dared to believe.

i had one friend who struggled - she has a 5mth old baby now, it took her around 18mths.  lives along way from us which is not always a bad thing.  i felt resentment to her as shes not enjoying it, she is fed up all the time etc - she seems to have soon forgotton she was where i am now.  unfortunately ive also lost lots of friends too as they jsut don't understand.

never feel guilty for how you feel, i don't feel my family is complete - i constantly feel ive left ds down, this school year has been extra hard as a lot of his clas mates now have brothers/sisters at school.

i keep wanting to believe it will happen but every failed month is so heartbreaking.  im doing the vits, ive been trying to do lowcarb in the week, ive started running again and keeping up with the reflexology.  its hard though, i want to turn the spareroom into something like a wardrobe but dh won't let me - he sees this as giving up.

deep down im not ready to give up but when when will it happen - its all ive thought about for the past 4 years and its hard.  its exactly two years since i had the longed for bfp and i feel to have got no further.

your not on your own chick, you can always chat to me on here - hopefully we will get through the bad times, and in the end both have our babies.  i hope so i really do


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## lyns76

God mate, listen to us hey.

we cant give up .......i suppose thinking about it we are still young with hopefully many more fertile years, my gran had her last child at 42 and she would of had more had my poor grandad not died ! she had 7 children of her own and two step children, my grandad was catholic and didnt believe in contraception!!!! te he
God i would love to have them days back when all i worried about was not getting pregnant!! if only me and hubby knew when i was 17 what i know now, all those damn wasted years of being on the pill and wanting to make sure we were married and had security, could laugh really!

Would you consider adoption mate??
I was reading about the actress Lisa Faulkner, she had 3 failed IVF attempts and then decided to adopt in the end.  she welcomed a little 1 year old girl into her life and she said it was the best thing she ever did.  Her little girl is now 3 and she is beautiful.
I would def addopt but my husbands not too sure about it to be honest.

When i was growing up i always wanted a big gap between my children so that i could devote all those early years to them and it has been lovely giving my boy all my attention.  I wouldnt be bothered about leaving it for another couple of years if we didnt have fertility issues but it could now takes us years to work again if indeed it does.
Also been reading about Sasmar Conceive Plus from Boots which is a lubricant that can aid fertility so gonns buy some at the weekeng, why not try that too and see if it helps, anything worth a shot.

i am still trying naturaly as i know it does only take one sperm to do the job, there are lots of woman on here that have been lucky to conceive when their partners sperm isn't too good, trouble is i never have any good luck so just cant see me being one of those women.

Dont give up darling, you know you can do it without treatment so i am sure it WILL work out in the end, just keep at it.

If possible try and save and maybe try some treatment in a few years if nothing happens??

I am not giving up even though it makes me feel like utter sh*t so please dont either!!!!!

God wouldnt it be lovely if we all lived close so we could go through this together!!

Lyns xx


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## lyns76

Hi PocketRocket, 

how are you doing, hope you are feeling ok, nice in a way to know we are all feeling the same!!!

I started becoming broody again when my little man was 6 months, it then passed when he was 12 months and at the hard stage!! i was then glad that i didnt have another little one to look after as well and i enjoyed life until my son was 2 and then it really hit me again.....been thinking about wanting No 2 ever since and even more now my friends and women from toddler group are all announcing second pregnancies again.

It sucks really but we have to stay positive and keep trying xxx
lyns


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## lyns76

ha loobie i take it you were born in 1975


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## loobie75

hiya lyns - you are right we can't give up not one bit - im 35 in December - born in 1975   thats scaring me.  but again you are right, theres always hope and lots of ladies on here do seem to eventually get there - many natural too.  lets hope we are them soon  .  we will have to be positive where possible chick!!!

i take a few vits including rolly jelly but on another thread they talk about pollen and aptimist so may look at that - if nothing im healthy though i rattle  

dh says i forget that i have got pregnant and only remember the miscarriages, this is true!! it doesn't help when everyone around me (inc an extra extra obese lady in my office) is pg  

i work for the fostering and adoption team at the local authority, i do all the publicity and marketing.  working here i don't think i could adopt, there is so much red tape now for adopters, the children are nearer two at the youngest and none anymore are 'straight forward' i don't hink i could do it.  if im honest i want the whole being pg again

we will have to try our best to be positive - its CD15 today so got a crucial weekend   then 2ww again  

what you got planned this weekend, ive a fostering celebration tonight - im hosting - never done before and so nervous, got to do lots of speaking!!

have also lost 2lbs - don't know whether this is cos of low carb, nerves or cos ive halved the metformin - hope it stays off!!

take care xxxxxxx


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## PocketRocket

lyns76 said:


> I know i am not the only person who may never have two children but i somehow feel like an incomplete family with just one child, sounds ridiculous i know and i never imagined i would feel like this, before having my son i just wanted to be a mummy and not at all bothered about how many i would have.
> I feel like a failure and seem to be taking it out on everyone at the moment and unfortunately my marriage is suffering again for it.
> My husband would be over the moon to be a Dad again but he has told me that he is completely happy to only have one child if thats how its meant to be, just sometimes wish he could feel how i feel.
> i guess because of his low sperm count that he is just happy to have been able to father his own child.


Hi girls,

Hope you are feeling ok today - this miserable weather certainly doesn't help to lift the mood, does it?!!!

Lyns - after having read your post above, can I say that it almost mirrors the conversation I had with my DH last night too!!! He always says 'Well, at least we have Freddie'.. as do my friends who can fall pg naturally  And yes, they are so right - we do have him and we are bloody lucky.. there are some women out there who have been trying for years to get to this point. There is not one day that goes by where I don't look at our little miracle and thank the angels for giving him to us - but it really makes me angry when people say that! After all, it isn't our choice to ONLY have one child! So why should we be grateful for having what we see as an incomplete family when they are able to have a complete one?? Why should we have to settle for that? They don't have to!  If someone told them that they should be grateful for only having their first child but, sorry - you can't have any more.. well, I wonder how they would respond!?!   

It does infuriate me that DH also says that too. I think it must just be a bloke thing though - especially as your DH said the same thing! It makes me even more determined to make my family complete and make a baby brother/sister for my first little angel.. I can tell already that he will be a gorgeous big brother and I don't want him to miss out. I have this fear of him being an only child - I know this sounds awful and I don't mean to cause offence when I say this - but only children are different to those who have siblings... even down to things like being more considerate and less selfish. When I think of the only children I know (as adults) they do interact differently and have slightly different attitudes to those of us who have siblings. (Really hope I've not upset anyone out there by saying that?!?!  )

Grrrr... sorry - a bit of a rant needed!!! But I know that you guys will understand somehow 

And sod our ages... we've got to have PMA - we did it once - we can do it again 

            

Pocket Rocket xxx


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## Katie4

My DH says the same thing.....


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## PocketRocket

Must definitely be a DH/bloke thing then!!   

Or maybe it's just us women being women?!!?   


PR xxx


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## Katie4

But how do we get them round to our way of thinking?


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## lyns76

WE WILL GET THERE

I am so determined to get the old me back again !!!!

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## PocketRocket

That's the spirit, Lyns ;0) I always try to tell myself that things happen for a reason.. If we need to wait a little longer to be blessed again, then there will be a valid reason for it!

I might be wrong Katie but I reckon deep down our DHs probably feel the same as we do but are just doing what blokes do best... Burying their head in the sand!! Besides, our desire for another child is bound to feel stronger because of our maternal instinct.. Maybe?!

PR xxx


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## lyns76

I agree Pocketrocket, we carry the babies, feel them kick and bring them into the world that's why our desire is so much stronger.

I am off to Boots in the morning to get some conceive plus lubricant as have heard this helps sperm to reach the egg better, got lost of baby dancing in the next few days as i am in the run up to ovulation    !!!

Trying my bloody damn hardest whilst we are waiting for a date to use our frozen embreos, not holding much hope due to hubby's count/motility but as everyone says it does only take one.

Just want a second child then can move on and enjoy life     

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Notty

Hi girls, I know how you feel about desperately wanting a sibling for your child because it's what I want so much too. We did iCSI 2 years ago and now have a gorgeous 15 month old daughter. We have tried naturally since Jan but are now back on the ICSI rollercoaster. Just started stimms yesterday. I feel so lucky every day to be blessed with my llittle girl but I so desperately want this to work. I saw a friend today who is pregnant with her second, she gets pregnant at the blink of an eye and she is thinking of getting a live in Nanny so she can go back to work. Sometimes I do feel guilty for wanting another baby so badly, but then when I see how easy it is for others it reminds me that it is completely normal to want this. Wanting another baby is in no way a negitive reflection of how you feel for your child. In fact I think it is because we love them so much that we want them to have a brother or sister. I lost my dad when I was going through my last iCSI, it is almost 2 years and I still cry most days. I really don't know how I would have got through it without my brother and sister. I desperately don't want my daughter to be alone when that happens to me or my DH. As for our DH's I think it is a man thing, they do think differently to us women. Good luck girls xxx


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## lyns76

Hi Notty, 

Its so good to know others feel the same, it's such a hard journey isn't it.
I just wish the bloody NHS would offer more towards the cost, i am sure they dont appreciate how bad infertility affects lives.

Fingers crossed for you sweatheart

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxx


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## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Hope you are having a good weekend and keeping your spirits up!   

Had a thought this morning.. I recently bought a book about infertility which had great reviews. I know there are loads of books out there and you may be fed up to the eyeballs with them    but I have bought it in preparation for our next lot of tx (provided everything is all well and good   - you learn not to tempt fate through all this, don't you?!!) and having read just the introduction, it is really inspiring. I'm hoping the rest of the book is just as good!

It is called 'Fertile Thinking' by Anya Sizer - a lady who went through tx herself and only had a 1 in 25,000 chance of conceiving. (Her and her Dh now have two kids, BTW    )

Might not be everyone's cup of tea and I haven't actually read it all myself but thought I'd mention it just in case any of you were interested. I ordered it from Amazon for about £6/7.

PR xxx


PS. Hi Notty - good luck with stimms and hope everything is going as well as it can


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## KristyLou

Hi there,

I am a new member of FF and have just read your posts. I am so glad to find other people feeling exactly the same as me.
I have a two-year-old DS. We were incredibly lucky and conceived after one cycle of ICSI.
Have been thinking about baby number two for ages and ages and ages and we finally went for ICSI again in August this year but it was BFN.
I was really shell-shocked, I always knew it was very possible it wouldn't work but I just hoped we'd be lucky again. Since the BFN I have just been plagued by doubt and negativity. I cried lots the first week it happened and then seemed to feel OK and felt positive that we would just try again as many times as it took. But lately I just feel weepy and negative and obssessed with any little story someone tells me about why IVF doesn't work and I feel surrounded by pregnant women. Two of my good friends are pregnant with their first children and all the girls in my NCT antenatal group are either pregnant or have recently had their second ones.
I just feel overwhelmed and can't seem to get a handle on things.
I know I have loads to be grateful for. My son is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I adore him completely. MY DH is lovely and we have a really good family unit but that yearning for a second child just won't go away. I was holding my friend's baby the other day and I just felt that somehow I am meant to be a mum again. I have tried imagining a life with only one child and thinking of ways I can be happy with my lot but I have failed to convince myself so far.
We are planning to do ICSI again in December or January but I just hope I am not a basket case by then!

KL


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## lyns76

Hi Kirstylou, 

Chin up sweatheart, 

Dont give up on your dream, i had a good few attempts before i got my little boy and really didnt think it was ever going to work.  To be honest i think you were very lucky for it to work on the first attempt last time so please dont be disheartened, very often the first attempt can often be hit or miss as they really do not know how well you will respond to the drugs etc, so you did amazingly well and you should be very proud of yourself.

I too feel very desperate for another and i am fully expecting to have a good few attempts before we hopefully get a positive result again.  Just preying that we can get it to work again     
I also go from feeling positive about giving it another go to feeling utter despair and convinced that it will never work again,  it is natural to feel like this i suppose.
It's the not knowing that drives me mad, sometimes wish that someone could tell me yes it will work or no it wont !!!
All we can do is give it our best shot.  There are many couples that have their first child with no problems at all but then unfortunately take a long time to conceive again even without any issues, fertility is a funny old world.
I am prepared to give my frozen embs a shot within the next few months then should be able to just about afford another 2 or 3 frech ICSI cycles and to be honest i cant see it working on the first go so i am expecting some tears along the way again.

I suppose we are the same really, because it worked first time for you i imagine you were expecting it to work straight away again and for me because it took a good few attempts for it to work last time i am expecting it to take a good few attempts this time!!!!
Stay positive, easier said than done i know but we have to keep trying.
I am still trying naturaly even with hubby's low count and i am not giving up, not a chance of it yet anyway.

The pregnant woman thing drives me mad too!!! i never ever noticed them until i started trying for children, mad isn't it.

So nice to know we are not alone.
Good luck with the next attempt, i am sure our preyers will be answered!!

P.S wher does everyone live?

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## PocketRocket

Hi KirstyLou,

Sorry to hear of your BFN   Like you, I had my first ICSI and first BFP last year, we are planning on going ahead with further tx next year sometime - all being well. I am fully expecting for tx no.2 not to work, as I appreciate we were so lucky with the first attempt. I totally understand your feeling of wanting to be a mummy again - I have only been one for 6 months yet it is the best thing I have ever done and I feel totally 'at home' in my new role!! My DS is a very good baby though I do wonder if we have just had it perfect the first time round.. the negative part of me keeps thinking that some s*!t has got to hit the fan at some point!!    You won't be a basket case by the time you get to your next tx    if anything, you will just be more determined for it to work.


Hi everyone else    


Had a small breakthrough with DH yesterday after our conversation the other night. We were talking about going away on holiday with our friends who have a one year old and are planning on another baby very soon. I said to DH that I fully expect them to be pg by the time we go away with them at Xmas.. said to him that I need to think that way in order to 'prepare myself'. (You know how it is - everyone is onto number 2 already   ) He said that he knew what I meant, but he wasn't going to feel anywhere near as much pressure as he did last time (we found out they were having their little girl about 4 weeks after we did a home fertility test and thought our lives were falling apart   ). I just replied by saying 'Well, you might not but..' He interrupted gently and said 'You will. I know.' So although our take on Miracle Number 2 is dissimilar in that he would be happy only to have one child if that's what we were given - I think he understands where I am coming from. I guess that's progress   


PR xxxx


----------



## Notty

Hi girls, it sounds like quite a few of us are in very similar situations. My first ICSI in Oct 2008 was successful and my DD is now 15 months old. We are currently having our second ICSI. I'm taking stimms now so I have 2 scans this week on Wed and Fri then I would imagine it will be egg collection for me early next week. My emotions are all over the place, I feel ok just now but might feel completely different later today. I'm really noticing the headaches this time. Although this is my second time around I was such a mess last time because of the shock of losing my dad that I didn't really know what effect the drugs had on me. I think it's hard for me this time also because it brings back so many bad and hard memories. It was at this stage of my treatment last time when it was my dad's funeral and I was just such a mess going to my appointments and would just cry through the scans. I told you my emotions are up the wall now i'm   writing this. I love my little girl so much abd really want to give her a brother or sister. I want this to work so badly, we put so much pressure on ourselves don't we girls. 


Sorry for the rant but i don't talk that much about how hard I find this, sometimes it's good to just get things off your chest isn't it? Good luck girls I'm     we get our second little miricale soon xxxx

Ps Lyns I live on the wirral near Liverpool xx


----------



## KristyLou

Hi all,

Lyns and PR thanks for your replies. Posting thoughts on this thread is really helping me I think, although I have good friends no-one is going through what I am right now and I don't feel I can talk and really be understood by them, but you guys know exactly what it's like.

I have to admit that I am almost illicitly using Fertility Friends as I think my DH would disapprove. He hates me constantly going on the internet to find information. He thinks it drives me mad and makes me more anxious. I know he says that because he cares but then if I try and talk to him about it all he very quickly wants to change the subject. Men just don't want to have the same kind of chats as women. He also says that he would be quite happy with just our DS and keeps reminding me what a great life we have. And I know to an extent that what he says is true but yearning for another child and feeling incomplete without one is not necessarily something that can be rationalised, you just feel it deeply to your core and no amount of reasoning can ever change that. I do think men are different but it doesn't mean they don't care. I think they keep a lot more inside - has anybody read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? I think it's completely true - they just think differently and approach things differently but it doesn't necessarily mean they care less or are going through less.

I am having a positive day today, maybe it's speaking to you guys that's done it. So thanks everyone. I think the big thing that does my head in about IVF is that they can't explain to you why things don't work. That drives me mad - why does one cycle work and another turn out BFN? I read some pages from the Advanced Fertility Centre of Chicago. I just stumbled on it online, don't know if it would help anyone else but they have some really good informative explanations of different procedures etc.

Good luck with everyone's efforts. Got to go and pick DS up from pre-school now. 

KL

PS I am from Norfolk.


----------



## PocketRocket

Just a quick one to send      all round! 


KL - know what you mean about having lots of good friends but unless you've been through it yourself, no one has a clue    In addition to being lucky having a BFP on the first attempt, I also found out that my boss (I work as a teacher in a primary school) was going through a course of IVF at the same time as me!!!! We are very different people but it is amazing how something like IF brings you together as you just know exactly how the other feels - even my best friends had no real idea of how I was feeling - turning to my boss was weird but she knew what I was going through!!! Thankfully we both got a BFP within two weeks of each other and went on to have a DS each.. she had hers four days before my LO    Fate works in mysterious ways... and things happen for a reason, hey?! That is my mantra when going through tx traumas     


Hark as me going on - I said this was going to be a quick one   


I'm in Hertfordshire... looks like we are all over the place!!


PR xxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi Girls, 

Lovely to chat to people who feel the same, i live in Warwickshire so it's such a shame that we are not all closer, would have been nice to meet up.
I am all over the place at the mo, keep going from feeling positive to feeling desperate.  As i explained before i feel in more of a panic sinse everyone has started to either have or become pregnant with number two, i am also panicing about my neighbour announcing her second pregnancy.  Her son is only two weeks younger than mine and she has been discussing having her second for a while now so i am dreading her telling me that she is pregnant again!!
I have my house up for sale at the mo so keep wishing that i can hurry up and sell it before she has another baby, how mad am i, this really does mess your head up at times       !!!

Looking forward to starting treatment again even though i know there will probably be some upset again, just god knows how i am goint to be able to do it with starting a new job in two weeks time.

God my life has changed so much, never had a care in the world in my early twenty's, had a very happy life with just me, hubby and our much loved mad boxer dog !!!

take care all, 

Lyns xxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

How is everyone doing? 

Had to post my latest    moment!! I'm hoping you guys might understand   


I switched on the TV earlier just in time to hear Holly Willoughby on This Morning announce her second pregnancy... and, can you believe it - I actually felt JEALOUS!!! Of a celebrity whom I don't even know?!!!!    Is that right?!?!!? 


I don't then know if that put me into an anxious frame of mind, but I popped over to see a friend who I believe is trying for her second baby (she announced her last pregnancy about 4 weeks after we found out our chances of conceiving naturally were practically zero - she did it sensitively of course but it was brutally painful at the time nonetheless) and just had this psychic/paranoid/neurotic feeling that she is PG again already.. no announcement but I did guess last time she told me..


All of those feelings have just come rushing back to the surface which I am gutted about as have been managing to keep a lid on them of late   


Oh, it's so hard...   


Hope you guys are all ok - thanks for reading my rant/paranoia post!!


Pocket Rocket xxx


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## lyns76

Hi,

pocketrocket i feel just the same as you, i get jelous too when i hear of celebs announcing pregnancies even though i dont know them either, glad i didnt see the announcment, been in a bad enough mood as it is ha

it is really driving me crackers again at the moment and i feel so down, this is sooo hard isn't it!

I keep getting eye infections caused by all the crying i keep doing, my tear ducts keep getting blocked.
Hubby wants me to see the doctor and get some anti depression tablets to see if they make me feel any better but i dont want to go down that route, besides i know the reason why i feel so low all the time.  Unfortunately it is starting to affect my marriage again, i feel so so bad but i cant stop feeling bitter towards him and everything he does annoys me, what a mess hey.

Cant believe i feel like this again after being so lucky to have my beautiful little boy, he is my world.

Take care all,

Lyns xxxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone, 

I hope you don't mind me butting in but I was so glad to find this thread.

I soooo know that jealous of pregnant women feeling. My dd is nearly 4 and we've been ttc number two. Had failed frosty and then failed fresh cycle last month. Still makes me cry thinking about it.

I really get that feeling you guys talk about of being left behind by all your friends who have 2 or 3 kids. My younger sister had her ds 2 years after I had my dd and I am dreading her saying she's pg again, and that's awful coz I love her and want her to be happy.

I'm 41, so running out of time. 

Here's hoping our luck changes soon.  

Laura x


----------



## Dannii_Doots

can i play too??  
was rereading all the previous posts and started    each and everyone of you ladies are bloody fab    
ttc #2 from 2005, i suffer from secondary infertility. My little girl is almost 8 and perfect  I'm waiting for my 1st ivf, hopefully early 2011. Looking forward to getting to know you all


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## lyns76

hi ladies, 

we all need to stay positive   

Do you know what, i have finally come to the conclusion that i am going mad !

All last week i felt so down which i know is because of all the pregnancy announcments at the moment, i am even jelous about Emma Bunton and holly Willoughby and i dont even bloody know them !!!
then i saw the dreadful news about Lilly Allen and just thought to myself that pregnancy itself is a blessing and if we are lucky enough to have just one happy and healthy baby then we are truely lucky, lots of women go through absolute hell and she must be heartbroken especially with it being splashed all over the papers. 

But now i feel like crap again, i know it is because i have my appointment on Wednesday regarding starting treatment again and i am just so worried about how i am going to cope with any negative results in the future......i am def   
All last week i went from wanting to adopt to wanting my own child to then being greatfull for what i had and perhaps buying my little boy a puppy !!!!

It really doesnt get easier does it, i honestly never thought i would feel like this again after being lucky enough to have my son.

Even though we feel like sh*t we REALLY must count our blessings that we are one of the lucky ladies that have been able to experience becoming a mummy.
Whatever comes my way i just want to make sure that i have given it my best shot and tried everything possible finance and emotionally permitting to try and have my 2nd child.

ladies lets keep this thread going and hopefully it will be a lucky one and we can make some amazing announcments in 2011 !!

i have decided that i will be commencing further treatment after xmas, dont want to ruin things for my son by being miserable worrying about the two week wait if it falls over christmas time.
All being well my frozen embreos will defrost ok and i can give them a shot before moving on to further fresh cycles.

Could do with robbing a bank !!!!

Really preying 2011 will be a perfect year for all us ladies.

take care and keep positive,

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## louloumay

Hi Lyns and Dannii and all.  

I'm with you guys! I've got a consultation on Monday re treatment after Xmas so I know what you mean about not being miserable over Xmas and it's my little girls bday 23rd Jan too so I want to be happy for that for her. It's so hard though. Part of me is having second thoughts about the tix in case it fails.

I thought our last fresh cycle (Sept) was our final go so was absolutely devastated when it didn't work. We are so lucky a family member stepped up to pay for another go (wow!  ).

I too never thought I'd feel like this again, I feel so guilty, I should be satisfied with my perfect girl. I feel guilty it's my fault she hasn't got a sibling too. Can't win!

When I win the lottery I'll pay for us all to have tx until it blinking well works!    .

And   to Lilly too.

Love L xx


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## lyns76

Hi, 

Dont feel guilty about wanting another, it is only because we love our little ones so much that we want to give them a brother or sister and we wouldnt feel guilty at all would we if we had never struggled to conceive.

My family means the world to me which is why i am trying my damn hardest to just have one more then i can finally move on and start enjoying the rest of my life and hopefully put this struggle behind me once and for all.

may you all be blessed with beautiful, healthy babies in the very near future

Lyns xxx


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## MayMiracle

Hi there,

Please can I join this thread as I identify with so much of what you say, and it is such a relief to find you 

We had our beautiful baby girl in May after 3 years ttc and two IVF attempts.  She is the absolute love of my life and I feel blessed that I get to spend my days with this happy, amazing little person.

BUT, I so desperately want another one.  I know it seems really soon, but I am just worried that it will take time and several tries and so we have to get moving asap.

This pressure makes me feel sad and resentful as I wish I could just relax and enjoy my angel even more and not need to obsess about having another baby so soon.  Like you said Lyns, I just feel that I want 2 children to feel that our family is complete and to finally move on from FI and enjoy the rest of our lives.

My best friend also went through IF and had her little boy via ICSI and has just announced that she is pregnant again via ICSI (her 4 tx in total).  I feel so conflicted it is awful, I am so happy for her as she was also desperate for another baby, and it should give us hope that it will work for us.  However, it makes me panic and anxious that she is going to have the perfect family set up and because it has worked for her it won't for us.  I know these are stupid, irrational thoughts but that is what the horror of IF does to you.

We have also just moved back to Warwickshire from the US and so we don't know the clinics well and even the thought of researching and deciding makes me nervous - as to whether I will make right choice.

DH and I have decided we will try again in February though so I need to get reading up and making some initial appts.

I so hope we all get our 2nd dream come true.

Love and hugs,
C xxx


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## louloumay

Thanks Lyns for your words of wisdom, I know guilt is such a pointless emotion. My daughter is such a happy child, I don't want her to pick up on my sadness. I'm going to enjoy her to the max and just hope for the best  . If it doesn't happen then so be it.

Hi  MayMiracle,

Please don't feel bad about your mixed feelings towards your friend, I think it's normal. It's possible to feel happy for someone and a little envious at the same time. I feel it myself all the time! I beat myself up for it too, so let's stop that and allow ourselves to be hacked off at life for a bit    

I think you might feel a bit better and more in control of things when you start doing some research.  

Lot's of love to everyone 

L xx


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## Dannii_Doots

Hello girlie's   lyns, lou lou, may miracle, pocket rocket, kisty lou, notty, katie4  & anybody I may have forgotten  

not having a great day, haven't even got dressed yet    my little girl was writing her list for Santa yesterday, it was all going great DP & I were joking that she has to be a very good girl & she might not get everything on her list because Santa has lots of little boys & girls to give presents too. Then she said that if didn't ask for any presents would Santa bring her a baby brother or sister??   she does know that i have a sick tummy and the doctors are trying to make mummy better so that i might be able to have a baby.... we said that it wouldn't be this Christmas because it takes a very long time for the baby to grow and that it wouldn't be ready in time    maybe this was wrong, I'm not to sure. my daughter is almost 8 and she is a very inquisitive little girl and we try to explain things as honestly and as basically as we can, any advice would be great.

I'm very sorry its all about me this morning.....

thinking of you all


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## Notty

oh Danni that must have been awfully hard for you. It sounds like you are doing a very good job of being as honest as you can be without upsetting your little girl.

Maymiracle, I totally understand how you feel as I feel like that too. I think it is very normal. It is also good to hear positive stories to give us hope, but we don't want hope we want a baby.

It is so good to have this thread as I can totally relate to how you are all feeling. Makes me realise I'm not the only one. I have just finished my 2nd tx and got my BFN yesterday so it's all a bit raw for me at the moment. I have a 15 month old daughter from my first icsi. I was a real mess yesterday so at least I feel a bit better today. I plan to wait the compulsary 3 months then try again. We don't have any frozen. It does scare me that it won't work as I really am finding this so so hard. In the meantime we will   for a natural miracle and enjoy our second Christmas with our daughter.

I also feel that if I can have one more child then I can put this whole fertility nightmare to bed. I desperately want a brother or sister for my little girl.

I hope so much we all get a happy ending soon but in the meantime we are all here to support each other. xxx


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## Dannii_Doots

Notty, not sure what to say.    You  maybe need to take this time to be kind to yourself and your your little family and if you want to 'be a mess' you're allowed. Enjoy Christmas, have some wine and before you know it the three months will be up and you'll be on your way to a positive cycle    I'm probably not even helping, so sorry if I've upset you in any way 

Here's to a positive 2011 for us all


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## PocketRocket

Notty - so sorry to hear about your BFN    Sending you lots of    As Dannii said - be a mess, cry yourself silly, feel sorry for yourself.. then dust yourself off and keep on going     


Dannii - sorry to hear about your tough day   I think being honest with your LO is definitely the best option - you explained everything in a beautiful way. No one ever gained anything through lying, did they?! Do whatever you feel is right for you.


Welcome everyone else by the way!     Sooooo fantastic to have so many others on this thread.. as we have said before on here - unless you have been/are going through this IF journey no one else can understand. I have a feeling you guys might be my saviours over the next few months     


Those horrid feelings of envy/guilt/desperation/fear aren't enveloping me as such at the moment - they are just popping up to the surface every now and again. I know it is only a matter of time before they start to take over but I am determined that they won't get the better of me!! I am sure I will have some darker moments but every time I look at my little boy I give myself a good talking to and realise I must stay strong for him! And how can I spend all of my time wishing I had another LO when he is changing so much every day?? If I become too self absorbed then I might miss something    He really is my angel and whatever happens, he will help me to get through anything     


It's silly but I have been invited to a university reunion in April next year and was reading the posts on ******** today - so many of the people I went to uni with have got at least two kids each - many will be due with their second or third at the renunion - figured it might be kinda hard when I go    Not to mention that I am waiting for a good friend to announce her second pregnancy and the lady next door is about to drop at any moment now!! It's so unrelenting, isn't it?


Lots of love to you all xxxx


Pocket Rocket xxxx


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## Katie4

Danni, wow, a tough one but I think honesty is the best policy with kids. You've given her enough info for her age - let's hope her Christmas wish comes true. (It won't stop her telling you she hates your No 2 when they arrive though...or when they have drawn all over her course work in years to come!

Hi everyone else. I'm having a similar time to pocket rocket at the mo but was definitely desperate just after NG turned one. Think it's because I've come to terms with waiting to try again until the summer so for now it's something exciting to look forward to and lets me relax about it all. That said, DH isn't entirely on board with having another and also thinks it will be plain sailing (optimistic perhaps?!) so is in no rush so if he says no next year I think all hell will break loose. (Esp as a close friend is going to start to TTC in Feb straight after she gets married so will surely be announcing her pg at some point next year..)

Hugs to those that feel crappy. It's OK. 

Katie x


----------



## lyns76

Hi Ladies, 

Maymiracle, i also live in Warwickshire, i am attending an appointment at the Centre For reproductive Medicine at Walsgrave hospital, Coventry tomorrow with hopefully some info about giving my three frozen embreos a try.  They were left over from my succesfull last ICSI cycle which resulted in my little boy in 2008.  They have always been great with me there.  I have to admit though that as much as i am eager to start again i am very nervous again and wonder how i will feel about posssible negative results again.  Obviously i want to give my snow babies a try but just dont feel very positive about them as we never managed any BFP with FET before but hey we never know i suppose.

Danni, i do feel for you, it must make things a little harder when our children get to the age when they start asking us for brothers or sisters, at least i have a few years before little man may start asking me but i have already decided that i will just tell him that i love him so so much that at the moment i am not fully ready to share my love with anyone els.  Of course its a little white lie and we are all so upset about our situations but we have to still make it clear to our children that they are the most important things in our lives.
Danni you are still at a perfect age for conceiving and i know it may not make you feel any better but you still have many years ahead of you to fulfill your dreams and please dont worry about an age gap between your little ones, my brother is ten years older than me and we love each other dearly, our age gap has never ever affected us infact i loved being an aunty at 14 and my nephew and niece now see me as their trendy young aunty.

A lady that i used to work with has text me today to tell me that her first ICSI treatment has failed and she is absolutely devasted.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone and it sounds awful but it has made me feel a little better about myself today, only because i know that i AM a mummy and i HAVE experienced the joys of holding my baby for the first time, watched him take his first steps and hear his first words.  It just made me realise today that many couples are only just starting this journey not knowing if they will ever get to experience what we have been lucky enough to experience.
It also got me thinking that even though i some how dont feel like i would fit in by only having one child other people looking at me and my family wouldnt even think about it.  Before i started trying for a family i never thought that every couple should have at least two children to be happy so why do i worry what people think now  

Three of my aunties only had one child each and it never bothered them and i certainly never heard anyone saying that they should of had more, i guess the difference is that it was their choice to only have one child but it is NOT my choice to only have one !!!

Keeping fingers and toes crossed for everone and like i said before lets keep this thread going so we can all support each other and hopefully we can make some happy announcments next year

Lyns x


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone,

Notty, I'm so sorry you got a BFN. It's so hard to deal with. I had one in sept and I kept retesting even though I knew deep down it hadn't worked, I just couldn't let it go. I thought it was our last ever tx but now a family member has offered to pay for another try (wow!)so it doesn't feel as bad. It's good you're looking forward to your next tx, but like the others have said, you really are allowed to feel crappy, it IS crappy. 

Dannii, I agree you have done the right thing telling your dd a diluted truth. As for the age gap, my little sis is 8 years younger than me, she was the best toy ever. It was like all my Christmases rolled into one when she arrived, we are still close.

Lyns, I had the exact same thought today about families with one child, from the outside looking in it is nothing unusual, and I know plenty of happy fulfilled singletons too. Like you though, it was never my choice to have one child, I thought I'd have at least two. I keep coming back to the thought of my beautiful daughter coping on her own if something happened to dp or me. Can't seem to get past that one.


So, I'm hanging it all on the next tx although I've got an awful feeling my ec or et may fall on my LO's bday. Don't know if I should delay the tx or not. Confused.  

Hello to pocketrocket, katie4 and maymiracle, and anyone i've missed  ,

Love to everyone xxx


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## Dannii_Doots

only me  

PocketRocket glad things aren't getting on top of you at the minute   ******** is always filled with BFP announcements   i wouldn't worry about the reunion, not yet anyway (easier said than done i know) your a yummy mummy, new outfit, big smile, & people shall never know  

Katie4 you really made me laugh,   he wont say no, gentle persuasion and all that  

lyns76 when are you hoping to go for the FET? your absolutely right, we are lucky, we have amazing LO's   i totally get the whole not fitting in    whereas before i would never even have questioned anyone with only one child either, their baby's their choices but when we haven't got the choice i think we can drive ourselves loopy 

louloumay oh no   when are you meant to be going for treatment? i have the same thoughts of our little girl being alone if anything was to happen to us, then i     all us women seem to do is worry  

thankyou all for your kind words and support, feel so much better for being able to get it all of my chest. I really am so glad that i found this thread and decided to post (serial lurker) you girlie's have made me so welcome and i really feel as if i belong now


----------



## louloumay

Hi Dannii, Hi again everyone!

It is a great thread isn't it. We can moan and groan without feeling too guilty, and worrying too much about the ladies who don't have any kids reading it. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I've got, because I am soo thankful for my gorgeous girl.

I'm planning tx for the end of Jan, when I added up the dates, the 4 days over EC and ET fell right on DD's birthday on the 23rd. She'll be 4 so I was planning a little party with a few of her preschool friends. I thought about delaying the tx, DP not keen on that though and I am worried about my age (41), If we wait another month I will be 42, I don't think I could cope with that psychologically. I know that sounds silly, I'll only be a month older.

What do you guys think?  

Sorry to go on, I feel totally obsessed by it all at the moment. 

Love and luck to all


----------



## MayMiracle

Hi all,

Thanks for making me so welcome - this is a wonderful board.

Notty, I am so sorry about your BFN.  It is such an awful feeling at the end of the emotional & physical challenge of an IVF cycle.  I send you love and hugs at this horrid time.

Lyns, my best friend just got her BFP at the Coventry Walsgrave and said good things about the treatment there.  I am looking there and at the Oxford Fertility Centre.  

It is such a tough one this, which is why this board is so great.  Sometimes, when you tell people how you feel they jump to the 'well you have your baby now' solution, like you are almost asking too much to be blessed with another child.  But it is because of the love I have for my child that I so desperately want another 1.

But Lyns, I hear all that you say, a friend at my NCT group just explained that her brother and sister in law just had their 2nd failed treatment and can afford no more.  They are emotionally and financially spent.  Then when I look at my baby I realise how wonderfully blessed I am.  I would never wish those dark days of wondering whether I would ever be a mother on anyone...

Love and hugs girls -we need it,
Cara xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Well, after saying yesterday that I wasn't letting it all get on top of me.. I feel very different today!!!    TBH, I think it is my hormones      I am going to see my friend who I think is pregnant tomorrow and am dreading an announcement    Isn't that an awful thing to say?!    I mean, I might just be paranoid and she may have nothing to say at all.. but I think I am kind of preparing myself for when she DOES say it - self preservation, I guess. I've been moping around this afternoon feeling all sorry for myself and my LO is playing next to me all smiley and chatty - it's so unfair of me to feel this way    I feel guilty for being jealous of a friend who might not even be pg yet.. feel like I am neglecting my LO as so much of my thoughts today are based on this.. does anyone else feel like this? Or is it just me being      !?!??!?!!?


A couple of you mentioned going for EC or ET on your LOs birthdays - I totally see where you are coming from     but part of me thinks you should just go for it?!! You don't know for definite whether EC/ET will fall on their birthdays (we of all people should know that things don't happen as you plan them    ) and even if it does fall on their birthdays, from a selfish point of view - at least a party or mini celebration will take your mind off what can be quite a stressful time!!! But do whatever feels right for you. No one will judge you on your decision.. well, not on here anyway     


Lots of Love to you all - sorry for the 'me' post   


PR xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

By the way, MayMiracle - you hit the nail on the head with this 



MayMiracle said:


> But it is because of the love I have for my child that I so desperately want another 1.
> 
> Then when I look at my baby I realise how wonderfully blessed I am. I would never wish those dark days of wondering whether I would ever be a mother on anyone...


----------



## louloumay

Hi all,

Pocketrocket, I'm sorry you feel crappy today   , It's such a rollercoaster isn't it?  Up. down, up, down, I wish I could just get off and stop obsessing, don't you? 

We all seem to feel so much guilt, let's let ourselves off the hook for a bit. We are only human, and we're full of so much love we just want to lavish it on another LO, not to mention give them the gift of a sibling.

I am still getting myself at it about dd;s bday  (more guilt  ). I don't feel I can go ahead an organise a party in case we get THE phone call, we could have one the week before but how would I explain that?? She doesn't know about the IVF - too young.

Oh and don't be sorry for the 'me post', that's what we're here for, ourselves and each other   

Sorry about MY me post!!!! 

L xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi ladies,

Well - my pregnancy homing device was right    my friend announced that she is 8 weeks pregnant. So glad that I kind of guessed as it gave me chance to prepare myself for it. I still feel a little down in the dumps about it but slightly better than yesterday. And lots of cuddles and smiles from my little angel makes me feel so much better      Luckily she was quite sensitive when she told me as her and her husband are good friends of ours and were so supportive when we were going through our tx. But even so.. you girls know I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a teensy bit jealous   


Hope you are all ok today and not letting this miserable weather get the better of you   


Pocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi Pocket,

Such bittersweet news, I'd feel more than a teensy bit jealous. At least she was sensitive about it.

Sending you lots of      and     

L xxxx


----------



## sleepypenguin

Hi all

*Pocketrocket* It is a punch in the stomach every time isn't it?

I have been reading just crap at posting. I have a month left of mat leave and on the verge of tears constantly at the moment dreading dropping DS at nursery, but kind of looking forward to work, so feeling guilty. DS is almost walking and developing so much it makes me teary that he is changing so quick but I keep reminding myself that I will probably be like this with number 2  as well I wish I could just enjoy every moment now for what it is.

Anyway  to all.

x


----------



## PocketRocket

Thanks for your comments girls    It doesn't get any easier does it?!    But at least the pain isn't quite as bad as when she told me last time she was pg    Feeling very drained and fed up today!


Lots of hugs to you all xxx


----------



## sleepypenguin

*Pocketrocket* Just read you signature and our men have the same problem I do find myself wondering what things would be like if I had married somone else (not that I want to IYKWIM) DH didn't know his childhood op could cause these problems. Cest la vie.

x


----------



## lyns76

Hi girls, 

lets not beet ourselves up, we are allowed bad days.

Everyone in their lifetime will have some struggles and worries along the way and for now i guess this is our struggle.  This is what is driving me mad, i can honestly say my life would be just about perfect if i could just have baby number 2....i just want it to happen and then return to the normal me !!!!

well we went to the clinic yesterday and it wasnt a good start.  Hubby done nothing but tut and puff waiting to be called in as we were over an hour late being called in and to top it all off we had to take little one with us, my parents had him all morning while i was at work and because we have decided not to tell anyone about us having more treatment i didnt want to ask anyone to have him for us.  Obviously little one was very bored and loud whilst we were sitting waiting for an hour and i also very bad taking him in there whilst other couples sat there waiting for their appoinments, i alomost felt like i was rubbing peoples noses in it.  i have an info session on 17th Dec and then will be using my frozen embreos in Jan.  we could have started straight away but really dont want the dreaded tww before Xmas incase its not good news, i really want my little boy to have a fantastic Christmas especially as he is at the right age to understand a bit more about Santa !!

The consultant was really nice and even spoke about how i will have to increase my thyroid tablets when i am pregnant so it really made me have some hope for once.  Its not too long to wait and at least i will have been in my new job a little while before i need time off.  I will be having a natural cycle FET so at least there wont be a load of scans to attend.

He also said that statistics show that you tend to be more succesfull with a FET if they are from the same batch of embreos that resulted in a previous positive outcome.  I am still not convinced though to be honest.  God i sound so negative but i almost feel that i have had my chance and thats that! Especially as it took us so mant attempts to get little man.
Yesterday i came out of the clinic thinking right i will give the FET a try but if they dont work i am going to be happy with what i have got and move on but to be honest i know i will probably wanna try a lot longer if they dont work.
I am    for sure!!

So for now i am gonna relax, look forward to January and have a bloody good Xmas. oh and try and loose this bloody stone i have been trying to shift !!

Hope you are all doing ok, speak soon my dear FF friends and yummy mummies,

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

Hi Lyns,

At least you've set the ball rolling, don't give up hope. I had a natural FET cycle, it was so nice not having tons of drugs! 

I've read plenty of posts from ladies with successful FET cycles too.  .

Love to all xxx


----------



## Dannii_Doots

Just a quickie     
My P.C at home is broke, that's why i have'nt been posting, hopefully getting it sorted soon...
Have been lurking on my  phone but no-one's posting  
Is there anybody out there? 

Hope everythings okay and that everyone's well    
Catch up soon wonderful yummy mummies


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi Dannii Doots!

I am here!      


Not feeling too bad about the whole number 2 situation at the moment as been really busy this week (definitely the way to forget about things!!) but still keep thinking about my friend who has just announced pg no. 2    We are spending a week with her and her husband over New Year and wondering if it's going to make me feel a bit      but we will see   


But on the other hand, my little angel has been making me laugh and smile so much this week I have had to give myself a good talking to    and remind myself that every second I am down about the possibility of number 2 not happening, I am wasting time with him - time that just goes too quickly!!!


How is everyone else in terms of progressing with tx etc?
Hope you are all well and getting ready for the festive season   


Lots of Love and Hope to you all     


Pocket x


----------



## lyns76

Hi Ladies, 

Hope you are all ok.

Are any of you starting any treatment early next year
Would be so great if i get to cycle with one of you.
I am very keen to get starting again but sh*tting myslef now i have actually set the ball rolling again.  I think looking at my recent cycle that i should hopefully be using the frozen embreos towards the end of January, just    that they defrost ok.
Going to go for two embreos if two out of the three are ok.  Consultant told me to go for two because of them being frozen and they will also do assisted hatching on them, i had that on my succesfull cycle which resulted in my son, may just be coinsidence but will feel better by using that technique again.

Problem is i am already convinsing myself that they wont work   
I know its stupid to think like that but FET never worked for us before so feel a little negative about them, i am also just presuming that if further treatment does work that it is gonna take a good few attempts again, really driving myself nutts again about it all..............I BLOODY HATE THIS !!!!!!!

i dont know about you ladies but i keep going from saying to myself that i am very lucky to have my boy and should accept it and move on to then crying myself to sleep a night because i am so desperate for another, i seem to feel ok about things until i hear a pregnancy announcment and then i am a wreck again, isnt it hard !

Hope you are all ok, has anyone been up to anything nice??, so looking forwars to xmas this year now little man knows a lot more.

Take care, 

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

Hi Lyns, 

I'm  sorry you're still feeling crappy about it all. Frozen cycles DO work, it's hard not to feel superstitious about it all though.
I'm having a 'final' treatment in January. I say final, but if we won the lottery I'd cycle until it worked. Still you never know eh?  

I'm trying to come to terms with dd being an only child  NOW, so if the tx doesn't work I wont feel so devastated. Does that make sense? I don't know if my strategy will work but I do feel a bit better about it all at the moment. I don't want to lose out on seeing my LO grow up because I am so preoccupied with having another. So, I've been really focussing on her, really looking at her and savouring her, and it has helped a bit. Honest!  

I'll probably feel crap again tomorrow but hey ho! We pick ourselves up and carry on don't we??

Anyway, I'd love to cycle with you, it sounds like our timeline is similar. I'm doing an antagonist probably EC and ET mid to late Jan.

Hi to everyone, hope you are all feeling OK, I'm guessing you do coz this board hasbeen v. quiet! 


Lots of love xxx     

Silly me. Posted this before i read all the other posts, I only saw Lyns.

Pocket, that's exactly what I've been doing with my little one, NOT wasring any more time !!!

Hi Dannii, blinkin computers!   I totally crashed mine yesterday, thought I'd lost all my OU work, nearly had a heart attack. Burst into tears  , DP was useless, just told me off for doing anything remotely stressful when we are about to do tx, but life can't go on hold can it

Oops sorry about that, got lost in a rant! 

xxxx


----------



## Notty

Hi everyone  

Lyns- I am hoping to have next tx early next year. I'll be calling clinic on day one of period in Jan but doing long protocol so will prob start drugs in Feb. I really hope 2011 is a good year for all of us. It is so hard going through tx when you already have a child as you are constantly feeling guilty and worrying that you are wasting precious time with your child when it might be for nothing. I do however constantly feel so incredibly lucky to be a mum to such an amazing little girl. Pregnancy announcements are always hard. I feel very much up and down like you have described. Christmas is something for us to look forward to with our little ones. Good luck hun, I hope your ok.

Pocketrocket-I'm glad you are managing to keep up your pma. My dd is making me laugh loads too and I just want to tresure every second as time is going so fast.

louloumay- I think it must help to accept to some extent that your dd might be an only child. I think maybe I need to start thinking that way a bit because at the moment that is what I am struggling with the most. Hopefully we will not have to accept that though and that next year will bring us our much wanted babies.

I can't wait for the day when I can close the door on fertility treatment. I just hope so much that it happens because I have completed my family xxx


----------



## Katie4

Notty that is a really interesting comment about wanting to close the door on treatment, I really really understand where you are coming from on that one.   

Meanwhile I am being a cow-bag because a sort of, but not that close, mummy friend is pg with no 2 and I know she tried for a long time with no 1 and was about to have IVF but what has annoyed me is that I'm sure she implied things weren't happening again when she actually knew she was pregnant this time and I was worried about her and offered her support which has left me feeling a bit    It will pass....


----------



## louloumay

Hi, everyone. i'm feeling pretty devastated at the moment. So much for coming to terms with it all. I have just had my AMH results back from my new clinic, I didn't even want it done, I don't think statistics are helpful. Anyway it's crap. Really crap. They said they wouldn't normally even recomend treatment, it's that low. But they said they will go ahead as I got 5 eggs from my last cycle.

How reliable is this tha AMH anyway?

Anyone got any words of wisdom for me? I could really do with some.


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Louloumay    you poor thing - what horrible news to hear      


Remember that many clinics have different policies about refusing/accepting tx according to what they think will affect their success rates so don't be too disheartened. I am by no means an expert on AMH levels - all I know is that it indicates the quality and amount of eggs you have    The good thing is is that you already have five eggs ready to use from your last cycle... so I don't see why they might have refused you tx if you have some eggies on standby anyway?!?!    


Pour all of your hopes and PMA into these little hunnies.. try not to get too hung up on your current AMH levels - although I know that is easier said than done.    


I don't know if you read back on this thread when I mentioned a fertility book that I bought (admittedly I haven't read all of it but just the introduction was inspiring!!) called 'Fertile Thinking' by Anya Sizer - her chances of conceiving were 1 in 25,000 and she now has two beautiful children - so keep that in mind when you are feeling low      


If all else fails, make yourself a sweet cup of tea with several biscuits and give your little miracle a huge cuddle (I always find that makes me feel loads better!!)


                 


Pocket Rocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Pocket, I think I'll have a look for that book, I need some inspiration.  

I didn't explain myself too well on my earlier post, I was so upset I didn't read it through.
I got 5 eggs and 4 fertilised, 3 transferred from my last BFN cycle, so none left.  

They said they'd go ahead this time as I responded ok last time, although according to their stupid test I shouldn't have responded at all.

What has really got to DP and me is the pointlessness of the test. They knew I got 5 last time and are going ahead anyway so what was the point of the test (that wasn't free I might add) and all this upset.  

Sorry for the rant,

Hope everyone is ok

xxxx


----------



## lyns76

Aw Louloumay, chin up sweatheart.

I am sure you will respond just fine to the drugs so please try not to worry and your last treatment wasnt long ago so hopefully you will get the same number of eggs, if not more again.  Just remember it only takes one good egg and one good little swimmer to make a baby and fingers crossed the next treatment will work.

I wish i could win the lottery and pay for us all to get closer to achieving our dreams and like i said before we can all then forget about fertility treatment once and for all and get on with enjoying our children and our lives.

At least there will be a few of us all starting treatment around the same time so we can support each other.

Take care,

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Lyns,

I'm feeling ok about it now. Presumably my amh was rubbish for the last cycle and I got 5 so like you said I'll probably respond to the drugs as I did last time. Getting the letter knocked me back a bit at the time, but now It's sunk in I'm just going to ignore it. 

love to everyone xx


----------



## Katie4

Louloumay I think you are right. So often results actually aren't helpful are they?! I know based on ours our natural bfp should never have happened and yet  I'm a mummy.

You ignore them and get yourself ready for treatment  x


----------



## lyns76

Thats the spirit Louloumay !

Even though i feel very low at times i am determined to give it my all and if all else fails and i cant take anymore treatment i know i am so so lucky to have experienced becoming a mummy and to have my healthy, happy little man.  
We are Mummys and that will never change, all we can do is give it our best shot and if it doesnt work for us again at least we know that we tried and can be proud of how well we have done.

I am sure if a lot of women out there who manage to get pregnant by themselves had the same tests they wouldnt be too happy with their results but because they manage to achieve a pregnancy they will never now what their results are.

Dont give up hope, i am sure you will do very well, keep us posted and hopefully we will be starting around the same time.

Lyns xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Louloumay - hope you are feeling better about everything.    I am sure if we were to take notice of everything the clinics told us about every single set of results then we would give up before we started! I agree with Lyns - I bet there are many women who fell pregnant naturally who have similar results but are none the wiser!


That said, DH is going for a    test next week to see if we can get any frozen 'just in case'. I am really nervous about it as our GP said that DH's IF problem is only going to get worse over time as his hormone levels decrease (hence us getting    frozen). I have just got this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach that the news isn't going to be good      But maybe I am just expecting the worst so that if it happens, I feel I will be ready for it - self-preservation and all that. But if the truth be known - if the news was that bad, no amount of preparation would make the devastation easier!!   


Feeling generally fed up at the moment as well but can't quite put my finger on why - I have a feeling that along with the above worry, there are babies being born around me left right and centre and I think if I am honest, it is getting to me a bit. My best friend gave birth to a little girl on Friday, our next door neighbour has just had a girl (second child) and another friend is to be induced on Friday...


Oh moan moan moan       Sorry for the whinge   


Hope you are all feeling ok   


Pocket Rocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Pocket, - don't be sorry for being normal! I think if we didn't  use ff to let off some steam our heads would probably explode all over our families, not a nice image...sorry! And I think our situation is hard enough without all and sundry having babies all over the place. Don't they know what's going on for us? It's extremely inconsiderate.    . I just read that back and it sounds a bit flippant, I don't mean to make light of it all, It can really get to you sometimes, I know.

I'm sure with today's technology they must be able to find some good ones to freeze pocket. Fingers crossed for you  

I think it  really helps being able to come here and talk about how we feel, I don't talk to anyone else about it, not even DP really. I don't know about you guys, I don't like people to know when I'm having tx, it complicates things, so it's great to be able to be honest with people here.

Katie and Lyns - I AM totally going to ignore those results, statistics are meaningless really, especially to the percentage of people that beat the odds! Hopefully that will be us!! 

Hi Notty and Dannii if you're out there, and to anyone else!  

Love to all xx xx


----------



## louloumay

Just when you get over one kick in the teeth.................

Found out my sis is pg, she wasn't even trying. Fed up. Again


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Louloumay        


So know exactly how you are feeling   


Sending you lots of   to help cheer you up.


Pocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Pocket, 

I'm so sick of being so up and down all the time. 

It's not fair I can't just be happy for her.

And why doesn't DP get it? Or my mum even? No-one has acknowledged it, I don't understand


----------



## PocketRocket

I totally understand. I really do   


As we've said on this thread before, bless DP/DH's hearts, but I don't think they will ever fully understand our longing for another LO. My mum was trying to explain to my dad how I felt about having another last week (luckily my mum knows where I am coming from re: no. 2) and he said exactly the same as my DH: 'Well she should be grateful that she's got Freddie really'...      Of course we are grateful - that's not what we are saying...    Men - they just don't 'get it'   


It's all just a rollercoaster isn't it? And it goes back to what we have all said before about IF.. unless you've been through it yourself.. no one will ever be able to fully understand   


But I do      


Chin up chick - you've been through this crap before... you'll pick yourself up and dust yourself off like we always do     


PR xxx


----------



## louloumay

I know you do Pocket, that's why I came here as soon as I got in, in the hope that one of you guys might answer.

Thankyou xxx   

Hope you're feeling ok xx


----------



## lyns76

Hi Girls, 

Loulou may, it is so hard when we hear preg announcments and it is normal to feel bitter when we go through so much to conceive and others seem to get their babies so easy.
I was on a downer last night.....we had a dickens night in our town and just walked around in a daze as i spotted so many women i know that are pregnant again, i am sick of trying to avoid having conversations with them and sick of lying to people by telling them that i am not in a rush to have my second child.  sometimes i think i should just tell people the truth and tell them that we cant conceive on our own but then i dont want the whole pitty thing.
God life can be hard sometimes cant it.  I just prey that this dark cloud gets lifted from us next year !!!

Like pocketrocket said it is amazing how we do manage to get over hearing about pregnancies and lets stay positive and believe that our time will come again.

Love to you all,

Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

I took DD to a 2 year old's party yesterday, there were bumps and babies everywhere and I felt....almost nothing...irritation maybe (think I am denying how much I want to be like them!) Think I'm too tired to be emotional at the mo!


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone,

It is hard Lyns, I'm sorry you feel crap too.

I seem to manage normally, like you say Katie, it's just irritating seeing tons of pregnant women. With my sister though It's smacked me full on in the face. I wasn't ready for it.

I almost feel like I've been betrayed, like I've found out my partner's having an affair or something. It's hard to explain. And then there's the guilt about feeling hostile to someone I love and remembering that it's not all about me. And the anger that no-one seems to get it. Apart from you guys of course, and I'm glad you do understand but I'm not glad you have to go through this too.

And then I thought how will we feel if one of us gets pg, will that hurt too. I don't think it will, because we know what it means to us all, part of the pain is that people have babies without trying isn't it?

It is tiring isn't it Katie.............


----------



## Notty

louloumay- I do really feel for you. I know I would struggle if my sister was pregnant. I would be happy for her but it would be hard for me too. When I first had dd it was like a huge weight had been lifted and it was liberating to see pregnant women and not feel envious. I hate that I am back there again. In mums and tots lots of mums are pregnant and I just want that so much. God this is so hard but girls we have done it once and we WILL do it again. I just hope it doesn't take too long!! In the meantime I will make sure I enjoy being able to devote all my attention and love to dd. xx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi there, just wanted to say hello, can I join your thread? My signature sums up where I am with all this, but I'm still feeling quite raw after my BFN last week.

All these recent posts have really summed up exactly how I'm feeling too. I get severe bump envy, but strangely I seem to manage Ok as soon as the baby arrives. 

Notty, I really connected with what you were saying. My pregnancy, and DD's first year were the best ever - and part of that was that I felt normal and part of the normal world again, as opposed to being the one with fertility issues. It's horrible to be back in this IF world again. As much as my friends try to support me, there's not really much anyone can say that helps, and most of what's said really doesn't!   I know at some point I might have to accept having just one child, but I'm not ready to do that just yet, even if financially that would be the logical answer.

LouLoyMay - there's no denying that everyone on this site is 'deserving' of a healthy pregnancy - it's all these others who treat it so carelessly that feel so insulting. Sounds very judgemental but that's how it feels to me. It's all just so unfair, makes me so cross.

Roll on the next tx and the next emotional trauma.     

Good luck everyone.

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Ah I can empathise on the sister pg thing, my sis is. I was actually worse the first time (and yet I was pg at the time but awfully felt like she was intruding on my special time). This time she told me when she was 7 weeks (she's nearly 20 now) and I was happy for her and still am but it did bring things to a head with DH. (I'm in a different boat I think to most of you in that DH isn't convinced we should even TTC again).  

Welcome Chrisgib, sorry about your BFN. x


----------



## louloumay

Hi Chrisgib,

I'm so sorry you had a BFN and a M/C, it doesn't get any easier does it?  

What you and Notty said really struck a chord with me too, It is a bit of a shock to be feeling like this again. We thought we were sorted for a while there didn't we. It really sucks to be in this position again.  

I can relate to what you said too Katie, about your sis stealing your thunder. My sis had her first a year after mine, there I was basking in the glory and then she went and trumped me! I was over the moon for her really though, I was still high on the 'look! I'm not really infertile!' trip. Little did I know................

We'll get there


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

How are you all feeling today?  

Katie4 - don't feel too alone on the DH thing. I spent all last week (2nd week of my 2ww) stressing because DH had indicated that he didn't want to do any more treatment. All I could see was a chain of events including resentment, counselling, communication issues generally, divorce, more resentment, although not in any particular order. I was in floods of tears thinking that my lovely DD would be on her own and that I had no chance of providing her with a sibling, or more selfishly, me with another baby.  I knew our finances couldn't easily stretch to more tx, but to me that's a seperate issue to wanting to do it. To DH it's all one and the same - no money means no tx - logical but incorrect!  

When we got our official BFN he told me he did want DD to have a sibling but that he didn't want to spend all our money on something that might never happen when we could spend it on DD to provide a lovely life/education etc. We've agreed to try two more treatments, if we can find the money from somewhere. I'm cross with myself now for getting so stressed and assuming I knew what he wanted. 

I know we're all different and deal with things differently. I hope that you and DH can agree a way forward so as to avoid any future resentment in both directions. Hope I haven't offended you by telling you about me and my DH.

LouLouMay - thanks for your comments - with a bit of luck we will all get there - sooner rather than later.     

Hello to everyone, hope you're all keeping warm in this freezing weather.   

Take care.

Christine
xxx


----------



## lyns76

hello lovelies, 

isn't it funny how this horrid thing makes you feel.

I can remember being soooo over the moon when i found out i was pregnant and loved all the attention and congrats i got, then my neighbour, a lady a few doors away and my cousin all announced they were expecting too and i was gutted because i just wanted all the attention put on me, it was as if i didnt want anyone anywhere to be pregnant as well, it is mad!!
I am sure it is because of the whole infertility thing and i can bet your bottom dollar we wouldnt feel this way if pregnancy came easy for us.  As i said before i never gave it a second thought about pregnant women until i started trying for one.  I keep thinking that when i get my second child (god willing) all this bitterness will go away finally but maybe it wont and i will always feel this way, thats what worries me !!!
I will end up like octomum, te he.  Probably hundreds of thousands in debt and best friends with all the fertility nurses!
People i know that have two children nearly choke when i ask them if they would like any more as if it's the hardest job in the world yet i can never imagine not wanting babies or toddlers in my life no matter how knackered i feel at times, so yes i guess it is probably just because we have had to fight so hard to be mums.
If i knew me and hubby could have children so easy i probably wouldnt feel so desperate and rushed to have a second.

love ya all, 
Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

Chrisgib not at all. I could    you for making me feel like I'm not the only one. (Although I am pretty sure DH thinks we will conceive naturally and quickly as NG was a natural surpise so he thinks we can do it again - that is if I can convince him - I've held back and said I'll wait until June 1st (and I was overjoyed when I realised I've not counted down the days in November at all and I'm now at 6 months to go (am I   ))

Got to go and rest while NG sleeps, I'm shatted. 

Hugs to you all. x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all feeling ok today   


Welcome to the thread, Chrisgib   Sorry to hear about the tough time you've had lately    Nice to have to join us though - the more of us we have on this thread   the more normal I feel     Makes me realise that I am not unreasonable for feeling the way I do about having another miracle!!


Feeling a bit    today as DH has gone for his    sample today in the hope of freezing some.. I am feeling very nervous about the results.. kept asking DH if he was worried about it but he didn't seem to have the same fears as me.. which is good I suppose as I guess the result might not be the best if he was nervous    but I worry that maybe he does fear the same, he is just better at keeping it under wraps   


Hope you are all all right and looking forward to    with our little ones....


  to you all xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Ooh Pocket, hope it's gone well (IYKWIM)


----------



## louloumay

Good luck pocket


----------



## PocketRocket

Thanks girls       much appreciated!


Strangely enough, DH called me on his way back from the clinic straight after I had posted that last message and he said that when he had given his sample to the embryologist, he had asked that if there wasn't enough to freeze/any good enough, would they be able to let him know and could he come back and re-do it   ... she told him to wait 10 minutes while she checked his sample and apparently her words were 'absolutely fine'     So that's all good! (I think DH was secretly quite proud of himself   )


I would have liked to have found out what his actual count was really as I must admit, I feel as if I have got my hopes up about future tx and don't want to get too excited as I have always found in the past that tempts fate    I am sure his count is nowhere near as good as a fertile bloke's would be.. but any improvement would be great as his last count was horrific!!


Anyhow, as long as we have got a good couple of swimmers in there - that's all that matters    It only takes one, hey girls?!


DH made me laugh, bless him - said the clinic have 'stepped up' their quality of videos as (sorry if TMI!) and it was all over and done with so quickly, that he waited in the room for an extra few minutes as he was too embarrassed to come out so soon      


Sorry for the 'me' post there    


Hope you are all well today and feeling positive - thanks for your support     


PR xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Good work Pocket - I reckon 'absolutely fine' is as much as you can hope for before you get the full results. Fingers crossed that it's a good & lucky sample.     

As for reading literature - these 'love cupboards' must be awful!   My DH commented how Oxford catered for all tastes, even extreme ones; whereas Bristol was positively mainstream.    

I find it stressful waiting for any results - how long before you'll know the count?  Good luck.

Hi to everyone else - hope you're all keeping toastie. I'm in Bristol and we've got no snow thankfully but it's freezing cold. Christmas will be here before we know it.   

Christine
xx


----------



## louloumay

It's a start then eh Pocket?  

Hope you get the results soon, fingers crossed for you     

It's funny thinking of our boys in their cubicles 'bashing one out' (sorry, couldn't resist  ). Could you imagine if it was part of the treatment for us to have to do that too!!?? I don't know if I could    

I'm in Portsmouth Christine, tons of snow! Everything grinds to a halt. Schools closed, people panic buying, silly really.


----------



## Katie4

Pocket I wanted to post you Good luck but couldn't work out howto without it seeming a bit odd - should have just posted - yours has made me laugh. 

On the "reading material" theme - OMG! I didn't realise that was provided - I've always taken DH's sample in (a mad dash mind you, should have made him do it at the hosp!)


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## PocketRocket

Morning ladies,

It's funny how despite all the stress and traumas of tx and the like that we can still laugh about the depositing of sperm     
Katie - we've done a mad dash before (always serves for an amusing story, hey?!) but DH informs me that it's a lot more relaxing doing it at the clinic/hospital! Even though I remember finding it weird knowing that he was going into a room specifically allocated to 'spunking in a pot' (   TMI I know!) and never quite knowing what to say to him once he came out!!     



Re: the sperm count results - I'm not sure our clinic actually let me know the numbers    Last time we froze some (in case DH couldn't produce any on the day of EC!) I am pretty sure we didn't find out the count - they just told us there was a decent amount to freeze and then did so.. Might be worth a phonecall though. But TBH, I am quite happy to live in the ignorance of the embryologists comment 'absolutely fine' for the moment.. I don't want to be stressing and worrying over Xmas   


Hope you are all surviving the snow.. we are in Hertfordshire and have been lucky enough to only get a dusting so far    The prospect of a snow day isn't as appealing when I'm not at work   


Take care xxxx


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## Katie4

Oh Pocket, if you can cope with not knowing I'd go for ignorance being bliss too!

We have so much snow here (Midlands) it's untrue. (I work from home though so everything carries on as normal!)


----------



## lyns76

Hi ladies, 

Xmas decorations day tomo so looking forward to a nice day of fun with my little man, seems so much more like xmas time with all the snow around.

katie4 i am in the midlands too, we are under CRM, Walsgrave, Coventry but live about 30 - 40 mins away from there, where abouts are you from if you dont mind me asking.....i often wonder if i actualy know the people i am chatting to   

Starting to worry now about how i am gonna get through our next treatment with only being in my new job 4 weeks, my lie started last week by telling them i had pains in my side, i think i am going to tell them that i neeed to have a cyst or something removed, hate lying but cant really tell them i am having treatment when i have only just started !!
I got made redundant in the summer unfortunately so had no choice but to find anothet part time job, would have been so much easier if i was in my old job cus i only worked 2 days a week.......as if i havent got enough on my mind  

Speak soon,

Lyns xx


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## chrisgib

Hi all,

Hope you've all had a good day. We've bought our xmas tree but it's drying off in the garage at the moment, hopefully we can get it all decorated tomorrow - are you supposed to have it inside for a bit first before decorating?

Lyns - have you done all your decorating?  Bet it looks great. I love to get the decs up early ish, although I do think it needs to be December!  I hope the work thing isn't worrying you too much - it's none of their business really other the absence, and I'm sure once you've got settled you will find someone you can confide in so you don't feel like you're fibbing to them. I think you've done really well to find another part time job. I got made redundant when I was pregnant and haven't found anything. I admit to not looking very hard until recently though!   I think I really do need a job now, as much as I love being at home with DD. My social skills are quickly depleting so I need to get back in to the real world for a bit, as opposed to the lovely bubble of toddler world!   

We still don't have any snow!  It's been raining most of the day and it's been about 5 degrees which feels warm. Typical Bristol though - wet and grey. Not complaining really though, are you all a bit fed up with the snow now?  I'm yearning for some hot sunny weather. My sister is going to Egypt for a holiday in a couple of weeks and I'm v jealous. 

As for the whole tx thing - we got our letter through today for our follow up appointment - for the 22nd December. I want lots of answers about egg quality etc, but I've a feeling it will be a bit disappointing and they'll just put me on the conveyor belt for the next try. Never mind, they might surprise me!   

Lyn - when are you hoping to start tx?  Is anyone else planning to start in Jan/Feb? Does everyone do the long protocol?  

Hope you're all having a lovely weekend.  

Christine
xx


----------



## louloumay

Hello girlies,

Good to hear everyone is in the festive spirit! Did a bit of Christmas shopping today. Honestly, you'd think there was some sort of pregnancy epidemic the amount of bumps I saw today, grrrrrr. 

Chris, I asked my clinic about egg quality last month (I'm 42 in Feb) and she shot me down saying there was absolutely nothing I could do about it as we are born with a finite amount blah blah blah ageing eggs blah blah . I'm sure she was just trying to help by being 'realistic', but I've done plenty of research (as I'm sure we all have!) and I think you can help by countering general age related problems, stress, toxins etc. If you look at Anglebumps fertility protocol thread plenty of women report an improvement after taking vitamins and various opther supplement, acupuncture and so on. 

I hope I'm not clutching at straws.......we'll see.

Good luck all, roll on January.    

Love to all


----------



## spangleygirl

Hi Ladies, can i join you please?  .................

Notty kindly left me a lovely thoughtful msg on a thread I was originally on,(2ww) as I am now feeling lost and empty, following our second confirmed m/c on 30th Nov/1st Dec 

My Background: TTC since 2004. 
Endo/PCO/IBS/poss coeliac - recent discovery, DH low motility/sluggish sperm progression.

6 2ww's, 5 IVF/ICSI and one IUI with over stim on clomid(NHS) prior to IVF . 
2 egg share cycles,(private) I was donor - first I got pg - m/c at 6+5 - day before scan.  Recipient went on to have twin girls.
2nd cycle(1 & only NHS go) - pg and delivered our beautiful and much loved miracle baby girl - now 2.5 yrs.
FET -(Private) lost 9 embies trying for blast. 
4th cycle- 2nd egg share - bled day before OTD - on holiday so couldn't have blood test - I felt pg, so belive I m/c early.  The blood loss was v.heavy, clotted and had severe cramps. 

5th cycle - this recent one - didn't think was pg - very distressed mid 2ww - spotting, tested early because of it - faint positive - got darker next couple tests - OTD bloods revealed high levels -302.6,day15, 1600 day 18, 8792 day 22 - still bleeding, sent for emergency 5 week scan at hosital through sympatheic GP - revealed yoke sac, gestinational sac, possible fetal pole but unconfirmed so tiny/early - that evening passed clots and m/c began....beside myself.     
Hospital again - admitted with pain, heavy blood loss and clots - keep in overnight and next day. Rested level - 8783 i think.Further scan inconclusive - no sac seen. but likely M/C confirmed. Blood loss sent for tests awaiting results but not confident on NHS testing - want Immune issues looked into.

No frosties left, no money, desperate for number 2. DH and I have different views ..I feel empty and huge void. He is sick of journey and pain it causes me/us and feels more ready to accept our family as a threesome. My little girl would make such a beautiful big sister.... 

I totally identify to your msg's here, feelings of jealously, like I have been catapulted back to early ttc days. Friends are having number 2 or announcing pg's again and I want to curl up and hide all over again. 
Paticulary identify with the thoughts and writtings of Notty and chrisgib, amongst others.

Hugs to everyone.  
SPG XXX


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## PocketRocket

Just a quick one to welcome you Spangleygirl.. so sorry to hear of your latest sadness   


Hope you are all well - will post a longer message soon.


Lots of Love to you all   


Pocket Rocket xxx


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## Notty

Hi Spanglygirl, I'm glad you have joined us. I know this thread is not as busy as others but I think we all can relate to each other. You have been through so much and your pain is very raw at the moment. Give yourself some time to come to terms with your mc, your dh might change his mind after some time. We have done it once, I have to believe we can do it again.

I have my follow up appointment tomorrow after our failed ICSI last month. I'm strangely looking forward to it. I want to feel like I am doing something to get the ball rolling again. 

I hope your all ok and looking forward to christmas. xx


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## chrisgib

Welcome Spangleygirl. I'm really sorry you've had such an awful time.   I hope we can give you some support here.

I hope you and DH can help each other cope following your recent loss. In my experience though, my DH deals with things so differently to me, I sometimes wonder whether he's affected by everything that's happening. I'm sure he's not the only bloke to be like that, but it doesn't make it any easier on us girls. I hope you get some positive answers from some of the tests that you're having. These might make the decision on what to do next a bit easier.   

Good Luck tomorrow Notty. I'll be really interested to hear how you get on as I've got mine soon too. Are you going armed with a list of questions?!  I do buy in to your belief that we can do it again though, we have to believe that.

Louloumay - sorry you seemed to get a standard response to your question about egg quality - it's so annoying when they try to palm us off like that, I feel they treat us as idiots sometimes.  I agree there's lots we can do, but I also want to know how bad my eggs are, we ended up with good quality embies so they can't be that bad, but then why did only 2 out of 7 eggs fertilise?  There are so many variables, it's impossible to make sense of it all.

I've had a tough day today so apologies if my post seems a bit lifeless. I shut my thumb in the car door yesterday   and it hurts like hell! It kept me awake all night last night (well til 5am) and today DD refused to nap so and has been stroppy all day. Think I might be going to bed in a mo, but my thumb still hurts even with mega strength painkillers. Lucky I'm not pregnant, wouldn't be able to take half the drugs! (there has to be an upside somewhere!) Still can't believe I did such a stupid thing.   Certainly can't write xmas cards now!

Hi to everyone else, hope you're all Ok in the cold. We finally had a little sprinkling of snow today, well a heavy frost anyway!

love to you all.   

Christine
xx


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## louloumay

Hi Spangleygirl, welcome to the thread.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much  . It must be really hard for you to be in such a different place to your DH too. I expect he finds it difficult to see you in such pain. Men need to find solutions so he probably thinks having treatment is 'the problem' that needs fixing, no more treatment - no more pain. Simple. If only it was. I think Notty is right, he'll probably change his mind when you have had a little time to heal.

I hope you can find some support here   

Hope your thumb feels better soon Christine, of all the digits to be out of action that's the hardest! Surely it will get you off present wrapping duties  

Good luck tomorrow Notty


Love and hugs to everyone


----------



## spangleygirl

Hi, Thanks for the warm welcome.

Christine, You are right I'm sure, they do deal with things differently and yes I can fully understand your thinking that sometimes that comes across as not really registering whats happening, unlike the raw desperation we feel, and the need to filll that void. I hope your thumb is better today? - ouch! - If you have any try some soothing bump and bruise cream we use for the kiddies - aloe gel/stick stuff?
Re your egg quality questions - I had a similar experience, although not quite same numbers as you, on the cycle that worked with our DD. had 13 eggs, only 5 embryos re****ed. Obviously we got our miracle girl, but I was shocked at the fert rate. I even asked at the cons prior to the FET that followed ( as didn't have review after positive cycle of course), about need for ICSI on subsequent cycles and was told didn't think it was necessary!!............The egg share cycle we did in Aug/sept ( cycle4) was ICSI and we didn't know they had done it until rang for news of fert rate, day before TF!!!! - We complained about that cycle since they froze 4 of the 5 embryos we had as a result and had wanted 2 TF. They took 45 mins to thaw the 2nd and caused alot of distress with the will it/won't thaw. It did thaw and we had both put back but because of all this this last recent FET< ( whereby I got pg - m/c), was a FOC cycle because of the mistakes.

Just adds to my desperation that this was supposed to be a 'final' cycle, that I can't accept thats it...and yet it worked then we m/c..... 

Going back to you....( sorry went off on tangent), have you asked about possible hard egg shells, or abnormal fertilisation, say with several sperm penetrating egg? Thats what they mentioned to us was a possibility, and limited potential genetics of the embryo = fert rate poor. Also we later found out DH sperm sample had deteriorated in between the previous fresh cycle 1st cycle, and DD'S and yet that wasn't picked up until we complained about this more recent one, and the mistakes with freezing, and had a meeting about what had happened with fert rates. He has low motility/sluggish sperm progression - so that's dwindled since.

Has your DH changed anything, diet/exercise/ vitamins etc since your DD??
How much older are you since your DD cycle? I am 4 years older than when i did first egg share, so my egg although I'm told are still good, I have been told I'm multi cystic - same as pco, and very likely I'm coelaic which I discovered off own back at private practice dealing with IBS/colon issues. My GP is going to test that to confirm, but I've read it is highly linked to infertility and m/c. Always worth asking the question if any of you haven't considered that too??

Louloumay - haven't read all your posts yet but also something you could consider??
Your right I'm' sure he thinks exactly like you have said no more treatment= no more pain - far from it. the void is now even bigger after a 2nd MC and the levels having been so high... , giving us false hope. I also follow Zita West's philosophy 's and read her books, use her relaxation techniques and take all her vits each cycle. Strong believer in 'preparing' your body as much as possible for the best outcome...even more so hurts when all that prep doesn't keep the much wanted pg you worked so hard for...  I have acupuncture on my cycles and feel sure it helps with implantation.


Notty - thanks for suggesting I join the thread. I'm not sure I would have found it, the boards are so busy and the site so big, but a mind of info out there, and some lovely kind people amongst them. x
I hope your review goes as best it can. It's always difficult to know exactly what to say, but I always right a list of questions and just reel them off! Best to make as much time of that 30 mins- hr cons as you possibly can, and gain info for any future tx. I KEWYM about wanting to get the ball rolling - I always need a plan B and that's why i feel so lost right now...where is my plan B?? For me it would be the immune test route but DH seems reluctant. Even my clinic agreed after follow up scan to confirm m/c that I could try self referral to st Mary's or ask at review in early Jan if my cons would refer. Why should we as women have to endure this hell 3x before anyone helps us??

I hope your review gives you some hope for a direction to take next. xx
Thanks ladies.  

SPG XXX


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## louloumay

Hi again Spangleygirl,

I really feel for you. It is so frustrating to 'do everything right' for it to end in disappointment, and to have a positive and then for it to be snatched away is unbearable I know. The thought that it is your last tx is a really hard thing to accept, I'm there with you. I was fortunate in that a family member came up trumps with cash for the next tx. My point is, you don't know what is round the corner. Don't give up hope.

I know it feels like you have hit a wall, and the 'experts' seem to work against you. I believe these things are sent to test our resolve and determination. Keep at it girl! 

I agree with you re the food and acupuncture etc, I'm doing the same thing. I haven't eaten wheat for years, my dd reacts badly to it too. We can tolerate spelt and rye etc though so we're not coeliacs. I so hope you are not, gluten is really hard to avoid, as I'm sure you already know.

Don't give up the fight  , I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, ready to get back on the rollercoaster. I'm sure your dh will be persuaded  

Love to all xxx


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## Notty

Hi everyone.

I had my fu today.  No answers really, probably just unlucky he thinks!!! He did however say that my eggs didn't look great............but then said but the embryos they put back were good and so probably just unlucky. I think I know that my eggs arn't super duper anyway because I am sure that is why we never get any to freeze. I don't really understand why at 28 they are not good but guess thats life. He said they were the same in my first cycle though so they can't all be bad. I had my AMH tested today. The plan is to try again in the new year. He says he does think I'll have more children which is reassuring. He said he will give me double progesterone for my sanity if nothing else during 2ww and I can take it till 12weeks again if I do get pregnant.

Can I ask your opinion: Cycle one - 2 amps menpour-8 eggs- good fert rate-bfp
                                      Cycle two- 3 amps menpour-12eggs-good fert rate-bfn
Now overall except for the end result I think you would all agree that cycle 2 was better. But Dr suggests we do what we did first time in the new year as ultimately it worked. I am really torn on this one as obviously it did work and so why not do 2 amps again but on the other hand I feel it will be a backward step to get less eggs. I would love to hear your views on this one.


Sorry for the me post, just wanted to let you know how I got on.  hope your all ok xxx


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## louloumay

Just a quick reply Notty, can barely keep eyes open.

I think I remember from somewhere that less stim drugs work out better for egg quality?

I only had 9 eggs on my successfull cylcle. ended up with 3 blasts

L xx


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## spangleygirl

Notty,

My first cycle was egg share and I had 20 eggs...It was painful and I was very bloated both before and after the collection. Having lots of eggs doesn't guarantee you good quality - in fact more often, far from it. I manged to get pg on that cycle, but m/c... , my recipient got pg I later found out and had a live birth of twin girls. I asked for that information, but its something I struggle to cope with everyday. It must mean she had received either good quality eggs, or that the tally between mine and her DH's sperm was a good match in order for them both to take, and her to continue her pg'y, whilst mine did not. There could also be all sorts of other factors, like the conditions in the womb etc and an underlying causes , yet not found for the reasons I missed carried then and now.

My second cycle, I had 13 eggs and the drugs had been tweaked to get less but hopefully better quality - it worked because my DD is now sitting on my lap. 
Quite what the difference is I don't know, but I'm trying to say the amount isn't such an issue it's the quality of the embryo's and the genetic potential of those embryo's along with the right environment in the womb at the time of implantation.

On my fourth treatment I had 14 eggs -we were trying for the cycle to be as close to the second in treatment protocol and drug dose as possible, in order to mimic what happened on my DD's cycle. Being egg share again, I had to achieve 8 or more eggs so fine tuning the doseage to achieve this but also not compromise egg quality is difficult.

I've never had menopour so can't comment on your doseage, but I think the cons is talking sense trying to lessen the amount but improve the quality. I know we think in terms of more means better chance but in reality it doesn't necessarily. Think about it as a concentrated, not watered down. x

Sorry you feel confused and in no mans land a bit after the consultation. I hate it when they talk about luck... 
Do you know what your AMH was? Mine is 30.5, apparently 5-15 is normal, so mine is high - indicative of PCO. I'm sorry to learn at 28 you have egg quality issues - that's hard. there is no rhyme nor reason to the horrible twist of fate or hand we are dealt - I frequently ask why to all this - it just sucks. hugs.....    

Spangleygirl x


----------



## spangleygirl

louloumay- thanks for your reply.

You seem to be a fighter yourself from your fighting spirit! Usually I am too, and have quite steely determination but I think it's the wall of 'no mans land' that I'm faced with, that is wearing me down this time, along with the rawness of our recent loss  .

Last night in bed, my DH said ' you never know there may be another chance' - ( can't remember what preceded that conversation), and I cried and said ' I wanted to keep the chance we had'- meaning the pg'y we just lost, then went into full on sobbing into the pillow...  

He then came out with how I want to move forward too fast, that he is only thinking of me ( yeah OK...) 'but that why do I always have to think about next steps?', and 'why can't I just give myself time out'..... all this, (if you knew my DH and the fact that he didn't want to do the last 2 treatments before we did them), I feel, is him saying he needs to back off, not me. He went to cuddle me because I was crying, but all I'm hearing is he doesn't want to investigate, he wants to remain blissfully unaware of whats going wrong, and he is sick of treatment. News flash... he supports me (he thinks), but I do the treatment, have my body mauled and poked and prodded, pump it full of drugs and then endure the emotional rollercoaster of has it worked or not?, and then again the pain, and emptiness of m/c. I don't doubt he feels something too..but I see no tears, I see no interest in finding out 'why' this happens, and all I hear is how it's driving us further apart. He told me I keep saying I know what he thinks - but everytime I try to talk about it all, he cuts my sentence in half with something he wants to say, he has lost the ability to LISTEN

Resentment is creeping in, in fact it arrived a while ago...
On our first two cycles it was support in abundance, excitement of what may be,helping with jabs, attending appt together, handing hands, help around the house on the 2ww etc and the arrival of our daughter was the best ever. Now...we can't communicate without me crying and us bickering, because we are poles apart in where to go next. I have been researching autoimmune testing and another member pointed me in direction of somewhere I could try -(got an appt in Feb). DH seems reluctant about that, but I NEED to know I'm doing something to find out what's happening with my body...why is that such a barrier??. I'm not really sure he will ' get on board' or 'come round' as you mention. The conversation last night didn't feel that way - I just cried myself to sleep...


As for the dietry side - I avoid gluten wheat and dairy now, although started to try lactose free dairy and seems OK. I love cheese and miss it, but I know thats not good for endo - which I have too. I've lost a stone in weight now, since I saw the private colon lady, and followed her treatments and diet advice. Don't want to loose anymore though because don't want to make my body un baby friendly. : ( I was slighter than this when ttc before IVF and that was my normal healthy weight, but been heavier since had my DD - so this is what I've lost - so all good so far on that score. I felt brighter more alert, and had a spring in my step and less to no bowel issues since cut stuff out. It is hard but worth it if it pays off. 
How did you discover the wheat intolerance with you and your DD?
Lucky you with regard to the family member who was generous enough to pay for treatment, how kind. bet you were thrilled and couldn't thank them enough?  
sadly, don't think there is anyone sitting in my closet with lumps of cash...  hence why two treatments have been egg share, although did it for altruistic reasons the first time too, the second time round was because of no funds....   wasn't an easy decision after findig out the info on the first cycle and the twin pg a s a result.

Anyway enough of me, me , me  ...it's just good to air....sorry  . x
SPG x


----------



## chrisgib

Hi everyone,

Notty - your appointment sounds a bit like how i think mine will go!  Hate it when they talk about luck, but if you're getting as far as getting good embies to go back, I don't think they can do much re the implantation bit - that relies on our bodies to do the business. Happy to be contradicted on that one. On a plus side, we have all done it before, so our bodies do know what to do. I keep reminding myself that even people who have no IF issues, it's only about a 35% chance of natural conception working. So tx can really only aim to get as good as that - but that's before we bring in the whole age conumdrum thing. As for the drugs thing - I haven't used menopur, but agree that you want quality over quantity, although I know we all want a few for the freezer ideally - but we need to think more positively and really only want one (or two) to implant this cycle, so we don't need more tx.  Sorry - going round in circles there.

Spangleygirl - wow, you've so much going on. Don't apologise for downloading, it's what we're here for.  I wish I could help but I genuinely think you would benefit from some professional counselling, I'm sure your clinic will help.  All your feelings are exactly what I've been going through during my last tx - particularly the resentment bit. Saying that, I wasn't also grieving a recent loss, so please don't underestimate what you're going through. Men are so different, i'm sure your DH is at a loss as to how to help you, and the 'you' as a couple. You're right - they don't have to go through it in the same way as us, and they don't show their emotions in the same way - but remember we're being pumped full of hormones which makes us emotionally unstable at best.  You do need to give yourself time to grieve though, even if you've got more tx lined up. I didn't let myself do this as I was glowing with the achievement of conceiving at all - but the BFN's I've had since have hit me extra hard as a result. All the extra tests might seem overwhelming to your DH and he'll need the logic explained before going ahead I should think - after all, you conceived before so why...? (sorry - playing Devil's advocate)

I really think that if you both go and talk through all this with someone it will help you both listen to each other. It sounds so simple, but I for one was so self absorbed that I was fairly dismissive of DH so he tended not to bother saying anything which then made me more cross - poor bloke can't win. 

I really hope I haven't offended you - I can feel your pain.   I hope that even just by writing down how you're feeling it's helping you get things straight in your own mind. But don't let it eat you up. Give your DD a big cuddle, always the best tonic.  

On a positive note - really impressed with all your dietary stuff - put me to shame. I'm a ten tonne tessy and desperately need to stop eating chocolate!   

I've gone on a bit here (as usual) - Hi to everyone else, i'll try and catch up with you all this evening. Thanks to you all for the kind words about my thumb - drugs are doing the trick!

Christine
xx


----------



## louloumay

Hi all 

Spangleygirl, I can really hear the pain you're in. I think Christine is right, men need to see the logic. I have had all the same conversations and upsets with mine that you've had with yours. It's hard for them to understand the difference between your experience of tx and their experience. I think they panic a bit too when we are down because they don't know how to fix it. Men aren't taught how to empathise and it certainly doesn't come naturally to them  . Not to mine anyway (apologies to all those 'new men' out there)

I worked out the wheat thing myself really, I have an auto immune disease (behcet's) so was looking for ways to control it. My dd gets a genital rash when she has wheat. Poor thing, it's awful. I did the elimination thing with her and she only gets it when she has wheat. I've googled it till my fingers ache and found nothing. My GP thinks I'm mental of course but I gave up trying to get them to listen a long time ago.

I understand totally why you want to go down the immune testing route, it helps to feel we are doing everything in our power doesn't it? I would do it too if we weren't so many thousands of pounds in debt from the tx we've already had! 

I also understand your dh's thoughts on skipping the process and in the same token your intense feelings of needing to know what the next step is, I think you are both right but sometimes by forging ahead with plan B we DO miss out on that all important grieving time and it comes back and bites you later. It's so hard, who wants' to grieve and feel crap, when it's much easier to just get on and be practical.  

You'll get there  

Love to all


----------



## lyns76

Hi ladies, 

Spangleygirl, welcome, we are all here to support you and can fully understand how much pain you are in, please dont give up hope, easier said than done i know, i keep going from utterly devastated and unable to cope with the thought of further treatment to feeling blessed with what i have and a strong determination to try all the treatment i can   

I have actually felt ok for the past few days, suppose it is just because its middle of my cycle and me and hubby have been getting it on    i know it is very unlikely that it will happen without treatment but i always feel better when we are at least trying !

Tonight though i feel proper **** and i know it is a selfish reason but hear goes.............my best friends brother and his partner have been trying for a baby for nearly a year and were about to go for investigations and rather nastily (god forgive me) i felt a little relief to know of someone else that cudnt actually get pregnant at the drop of a hat but tonight my friend has just told me that her brothers partner has just found out she is pregnant.  Obviously it is fantastic to know that they will be having a baby but it has made me feel like an outcast again.  I feel so so evil for feeling this way and i promise i am a nice person really!!
Dont you just hate how this evil thing turns you into someone completely different.

And talking of husbands dont even go there!  if it was up to mine we would never be trying again, he loves my son more than anything but just doesnt feel the need for another, he is content with things as they are.  I also feel so bitter towars him at times because he isnt a bit bothered about his sperm count, wont cut down on drinking and is still smoking ****.  It has caused so many arguments in the past and i have to admit i have felt like leaving him so many times over this.  the only thing he does is take Wellman vits and comes to bed with me when i tell him its time to baby dance!!!

I love him to bits and i know it isnt his fault but if it was the other way round i would be trying all i could to make my fertility better......i feel so bad about this whole infertility thing at times i sometimes think i should just leave him and find someone who i can have more children with......god how bad is that......told you i was evil !!!
Feels sooooo good to have a rant at times !!!

Have strength ladies, 2011 WILL be our year again.

Love to you all,

Lyns xx


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## Notty

Hi girls.

Thank you for all your messages, I really appreciate them all.

Lyns- It is understandable that you feel that way. We are surrounded in life by people who get pregnant at the drop of a hat and so when you meet someone else who is struggling it can be strangely comforting. It doesn't make us bad people as we don't wish this on anyone, we just don't want to feel like the only ones in the world going through this either. 2011 will be your year. xxx

Spangleygirl-I think what you are doing re egg share is amazing. It must be incredibly difficult to know that it worked for your rcipient but not you. But one day when your own family is complete that pain will go and you will be able to be so proud that you were the person to make someones dreams come true. xxx

Chrisgib- How are you doing? when is your fu? I reaaly hope it goes well. xxx

Louloumay and pocketrocket I hope your ok girls xxx

I am fine at the moment. I ovulated on Tue and have been stupidly allowing myself to daydream. At least when Af does arrive I will only have to wait one more cycle before tx.


----------



## chrisgib

Hi everyone,

Hope you've all had a good weekend. I'm still in denial about Christmas, think i must like the last minute pressure.

Notty - good luck this month hun, keeping everything crossed for you. Are you using OV sticks or can you feel it?  

Lyns - I'm so with you, both with other peoples bumps/announcements, and the whole DH thing. It's nice to hear that someone elses DH is just the same - I get so cross that he won't change anything or even accept that he has a major part to play in this whole thing.  

Spangleygirl - how are you doing?  I've been worrying that I upset you with talk of counselling. I've been thinking about arranging counselling for me/DH although haven't told him yet!  I'm worried how I'm ever going to accept the end of tx without resenting him.

Louloumay & Pocketrocket - hope you're both OK too.

My follow up appointment is on the 22nd, although I'm still tempted to change it as I'm not 100% comfortable with our consultant. No major problem, and no guarantee that anyone else would be better - he just doesn't give me confidence. Generally though I'm feeling much better in myself and not being in treatment enables me to have fun with DD, it's only now I realise how down I was feeling during treatment. She must notice and I don't want to waste months of precious time being like that. I just want the treatment to work! 

Roll on 2011 - I've a good feeling in my bones for us all.   

 to you all.

Christine
xx


----------



## Notty

Hi Christine-I have a good feeling for us all too. I am using clearblue digital ovulation sticks although I have used them so many times now that I know my body well enough to know when it is anyway. I just like to see the smiley face to know for sure. If you are not happy with your consultant I would change. I hate that feeling of coming out of an appointment none the wiser. Good luck.

I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend xx


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## PocketRocket

Hi everybody,

Sorry for not having posted - I have been reading of course but not had a quiet few minutes to sit down and reply to you all 

Just picking up on a few points...

*Christine* - I totally agree with Notty about your consultant. If you're not happy with them then definitely make a change. Confidence and faith are two key elements one should have in a consultant!!

*Notty* - I understand the whole daydreaming thing  I have quite bad ovulation pains every month and this month DH and I  at just the right time  and for the next few days just couldn't help wondering 'What if..?!' Needless to say, AF arrived bang on time   

*Lyns* - Can totally sympathise about your best friend's brother's news and your feelings  I went out yesterday and spent the afternoon with a bunch of women who were pg with their second.. literally a room full of them.. it was brutal     
As for DH not doing anything to help the IF situation, I can definitely understand your frustration!! To be fair, my DH has always been quite good at taking responsibility in improving his count, but whenever he has reached for the wine bottle ahead of a sample or test date, I have said 'Remember how much even one glass affects them!!' I get the whole 'oh god, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself anymore' guilt trip!!!! I am very quick in reminding him that I gave up drinking for 9 months when carrying DS - not to mention pumped myself full of drugs and suffered a plethora of fertility doctors poking around and inspecting my lady parts too many times than I care to mention.. so to sacrifice a glass of wine is a miniscule ask!!!!   

*Spangleygirl, Katie* and* Louloumay* - hope you are well 

Other than that, all ok here really - thoroughly enjoying DS and looking forward to our first Xmas with him. Must admit that I am a little apprehensive about spending a week with our friends who are expecting number two but I guess that is something I will just need to get over... 

Pocket Rocket xxx


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## chrisgib

Hi everyone,

PocketRocket - Stay strong with all your friends having their no2's. It's so difficult, but try and put the control back with you by thinking/saying that you want a slightly bigger age gap. If I was confident that I was going to have a no2, i'd be more than happy with a bigger gap and it's that thought keeping me going at the mo - hope it works for you too. We will all get lucky next year after all.    

Notty - how are you doing - are you doing early tests. I still have about 30 cheapy ones in my drawer left over from my last cycle - I was a bit of a pee stick addict!   

How's everyone else?  All set for Christmas?  I'm leaving things fashionably late - starting to stress a bit now though!   

I haven't changed my appointment, you don't really see the consultant during the treatment so doensn't really matter who I see. It would just delay the appointment and now I've lined up babysitters and got DH to have time off work it all just feels like too much hassle. So roll on the 22nd.

My current battle is trying to get DD to nap in her cot, I've had to drive her to sleep for the last couple of months but today I'm tackling the cot and she's crying and crying and shouting for mummy. Any advice welcome. She's shattered, so I don't think she's ready to give up her nap just yet. (She's 2 in about 3 weeks time). Maybe I should just keep driving!   

Hope you're all well.

Christine
xx


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## Notty

Chrisgib-My dd would never nap in her cot, only ever in car or pram. I felt like I never got any time to do any housework etc so started putting her in her cot. She didn't like it at first but would eventually go to sleep. Sometimes only for 20 mins though. Now she is great. In fact I think I better go and get sleeping beauty up as she has been asleep for 2 hours now!

I don't keep any tests at home cos I know I would do them all the time. How are you doing? xx


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## chrisgib

Hi Notty,

DD is now fast asleep in cot. That's a first in ages, as I normally have to carry her from car to cot. She used to be good as gold and after a story would go down with no problem. (well, between about 9 and 18 months she did that). Then it all went wrong - i blame the fact I tried to leave her at a creche at the gym - it scuppered naps and bedtime. I wasn't that desperate to go to the gym!    

Oh well, todays a start - I just have to be brave enough to continue to tackle it. I've never done CC with her and today wasn't real baby screaming - more shouting! Once asleep, she sleeps for ever during the day and I have to wake her normally. But today she's late going to sleep so will wake her in about 20 mins I think - doesn't seem worth the effort when I then go and wake her!

Generally - I'm Ok I think. I really really value my time with DD and I'm trying to focus on that as all my friends are feeling the guilt trying to spread their time between toddler and newborns. If I knew that the next tx would work, I'd be a happy bunny - it's just all the uncertainty, and cost.

How are you doing? When are you starting treatment - on your next cycle?  Might we be cycle buddies?!  I'm hoping to start around mid January I think if I've got the energy. I really like not being in treatment - I'm so much happier - maybe that's telling me something.

Good discipline re the tests - i'd be rushing to the shops though - no self control!   

Christine
xx


----------



## louloumay

Hi all,

Haven't posted for a few days, been trying to forget about it all for a bit really.

Lyns - I really sympathise with the intrusive 'evil' thoughts. I get them all the time. No need to beat ourselves up about it. I do try to relpace them half sharpish with positive thoughts to cancel them out. Wouldn't want to put a hex on anyone for real!

Notty - you never know........fingers crossed for you it's this one!  

Christine - good luck on the 22nd.

Pocket - thinking of you with the pg friend. I'm having a meal with my family, including pg sister so I know what you mean  

Me - AF is here so I've tried to make my set up appt with the clinic but they wont see me until they know I've had my rubella vaccination. I've spent all day jumping through hoops trying to get my surgery to give them the info. Wondering if all the obstacles are a sign or just another test of my resolve. Bit fed up if I'm honest.

Hi to spangleygirl, katie and Dannii (wherever you are!) Hope you're all ok.
    

Sorry for sounding miserable, haven't had much sleep, DD wakes up most nights and gets in bed with us. Four years of broken sleep, not that I mind really. She's worth it. I remember the nap or not to nap dilemma well. Tired, grumpy child or up too late child? you can't win. xxx


----------



## Notty

louloumay- I hope your family meal is ok. I don't think I'm pregnant at all. I should have learned by now not to let myself get carried away with daydreams. Can't help but hope for a miracle sometimes though. xx

Chrisgib-I am loving this age with my dd and looking forward to Christmas. Although I hate what IVF does to me I am feeling impatient to start again. I am planning to call clinic on day one of Jan cycle but that is likely to be at the end of Jan. I do long protocol so then don't start DR injections till day 23, so it looks like I will be injecting towards mid/end feb. How long does your clinic make you wait between cycles? When are you thinking you will actually start injections and are you long or short protocol? It would be good if we cycled together. I got my AMH levels yesterday 38.9 so feel happy with that. xx


----------



## Katie4

Hi, 

Sorry not had chance to read back properly but didn't want to be rude and not pop in to say "Hi"! 

Loulou, can identify with the lack of sleep, nearly drove me potty. I had to reach the end of my tether and then some before I went down the controlled crying route but as your LO is older than mine I'm guessing you have already done that? Sending you big hugs x

Evening everyone else. AF here too. I was really excited(?!) because my cycle was 29 days, very good for me. No chance of being pg either so fortunately that didn't cross my mind. (I am counting down most days until we start TTC again...Dh hasn't confirmed he will but I've set the date of 1st June so it's something to work for. Also in the interim I'm doing stuff I can't do when TTC including looking into a bit of microdermabrasion!! The PCOS makes me spotty and prone to lumpy skin so I thought I might treat myself to some treatments.)

Anyone else feeling overwhelmed about Xmas...? 

Night night x


----------



## Notty

Hi everyone, I hope you have all had a lovely christmas. It has been quiet on here. How is everyone doing? xx


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## Katie4

Hi Gang, 


Well, despite my best efforts I've had to raise the whole TTC issue in our house over Christmas as it's been driving me  . Can't say I had the response I want but we didn't argue just told each other how we feel which I suppose is something.   


That aside, it's been a mad Christmas, we hosted (well I did  ) and it was exhausting!! However I of course kept my energy levels up with chocolately treats. NG was super cute about her presents - we've not actually given her our main present of a little kitchen yet as she's so happy with what she has opened it may as well stay upstairs covered with a duvet cover for a bit longer. 


Hope you are all OK and surviving. Anyone watch eastenders? Big sad baby storyline coming up on New Year's eve. 


Also, the entirely addictive/compulsive watch of "one born every minute" starts on 10th Jan. Oh the tears I cry during that programme.


Right, waiting to hear all your news x


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## louloumay

Hi Girls,

Hope you've all had a fabulous Christmas! My LO had a great time, she got a little overwhelmed towards the end though, bless her.

I won't be watching Eastenders Katie. I read what happens in the tv mag, can't cope with that at all! 

Anyone having tx soon? I've had a bit of a setback. The clinic wont do ours in January now, so we've got to wait until February. Quite hacked off about it really. Bit unsure this is the right clinic now  

Hope you are all ok and the board has just been quiet due to everyone having such fun. (anyone else watched Miranda?  )

love to all


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## Katie4

Feel like I'm missing out on Miranda as everyone seems to be talking about it.   Glad your LO had a nice time. Kitchen is still upstairs but DH is adamant we should give it to her in the next few days....I'm not so sure, it's her birthday in a month. (Oh God, went to Ikea today, never ever go,  their little wooden kitchen was only £30 more than the plastic one I've got (and DH assembled before I had a good look/feel) and is such a bargain and amazing quality. I'm gutted. Wish I could take mine back....)


So sorry your treatment has been delayed, did they give a reason?


----------



## louloumay

Well, due to a catalogue of administrative cockups, none of which were my fault, 'Rubellagate' culminated in me getting my blood test results to them too late to make my set up appointment and having a total hissyfit on the phone to the clinic two days before Christmas. 

I have apologised to them for my emotional meltdown but am going to email them (now I am a rational adult again) to give them some 'constructive feedback' on how their serious lack of team communication and insistence on 'being realistic' (telling me I had practically no chance of the treatment working) made me feel. 

Rant over.

I LOVE ikea, never get to go, my DP feels the same as you!

It's so annoying when you find a better option after you've bought something. I'm absolutely sure your DD will love the one you've got her though. My LO has a small plastic kitchen and she plays with it all the time. Her little friend has an all singing and dancing wooden one that's HUGE and cost £250, but she doesn't have kitchen envy at all. Kid's that age don't care! 

My DD's birthday is next month too, on the 23rd Jan, when is yours?


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## chrisgib

Happy New Year everyone. Hope you've all enjoyed the festivities and given yourselves a break from this whole tx stuff.

Katie4 - have you given DD the kitchen yet, or are you saving it for her birthday?  She'll love it I'm sure. My DD loves anything like that, particularly if it's colourful. The one I looked at in Ikea was white - not her thing at all, too lifelike!

Louloumay - hope you've recovered from 'ruebellagate. You must have been furious. Hope they read your 'constructive feedback' and give you a decent response.

How's everyone else doing?

I went in to Bristol today to go to @bristol which is a brilliant science type hands on museum thing - all good, but I everywhere I looked there were newborn babies with their big toddler brothers and sisters. My DD is obsessed with babies so there's no ignoring them, even at home we have now an interactive dolly which is almost as demanding as the real thing!  I shouldn't moan, but I so want her to be the big sister. Had my natural pregnancy continued, then my due date was new years eve, so it's all feeling a bit raw at the moment. I couldn't believe my luck when that happened, and it feels so unfair that we lost it. Three of my friends have given birth this week - we should have all been together. Sorry - that's my rant over with.   

Ho hum - onwards and upwards. Treatment sorted for the middle of this month, but they want me to down reg for 4 weeks - I'll be a complete maniac after that. All because they haven't got free 'appointments' in the clinic. Sounds like a waiting list management strategy to me!   

Sorry - said I'd stop moaning.  

It's my DD's 2nd birthday on Monday so I'm stressing about party food now - that should take my mind off everything! She's having a gymboree party with about 15 friends and about 5 babies - it will be chaos.   

Did everyone have a good Christmas?  Any exciting presents?  

Christine
xx


----------



## lyns76

Hi Ladies, 

happy new year to you all, lets hope 2011 is a good one.

An emotional Christmas for me this year.

Felt really happy in the few days up to Christmas and was really looking forward to seeing my little boys face when he opened his presents.  had a lovely morning but then phoned my neighbour to say thanks for his present and she announced she is expecting baby number two so i had a complete melt down when i put the phone down and it really spoilt my Christmas to be honest.  her first son was born 2 weeks after my son so we done all the baby clubs etc together and share all the first time mum experiences.  I knew it would happen because she told me ages ago that she wanted another and i had to lie and tell her that i wanted to wait until H was 4 or 5 before i had another.  Now i cant bear hearing her happy voice and am dreading facing her and hearing all about it.  I just hate how this makes me feel and am sick of being upset all the time, just wanna get on with my life.  I now have 2 cousins, a neighbour and best friend all due baby number 2 between April and June and feel so fed up.  Hubby has been gud and keeps telling me that their lives are nothing to do with us and i shudnt let what is happening to other people affect me but i cant help it.
We then had our hospital app on Thursday and i got all upset on the journey home thinking about all the possible upset that is ahead of me !!!
I really wanted to enter 2011 feeling positive but all the impending births are just making me panick about how i am gonna cope with it all !!!

I hope all you ladies are feeling ok and sorry about ranting on about my life !

I can start my natural FET after my next period so hopefully it should be around the last week in Jan.  Want to be positive but just cant see my frozen embreos working.

Take care all, 

Lyns xxxxx


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## lyns76

Chrisbig, 

Big hugs, i am sorry, i must have been writing my post at the same time as yours so didnt get to read your post before i put mine on.
It must have been hard for you to deal with especially when you have managed a natural pregnancy.  Fingers crossed that your treatment works, we may be doing it around the same time.  Hope you feel better about it than me.
I am so eager to get started again but i am really expecting it to take a good few attempts before i get it to work again, if it does at all.  I guess i would feel a lot different if it hadnt taken so many attempts to get my little boy.

very best of luck to you and all our FF buddies,

Lyns xx


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## Notty

Hi ladies   Happy new year to you all.

Chrisgib and lyns it looks like we will be doing tx together. I will phone clinic when AF arrives which is prob in about 3 weeks. I then start down regulating on day 23 so it should be around the middle of Feb. 

Chrisgib- I DR'd for 3.5 weeks last time because AF was late but apart from some headaches it wasn't too bad. It must have been such an emotional time for you thinking what should have been. I just hope that this time next year that you will be the one in the Science museum with your new baby and excited little girl. I watched one born at Christmas and ther was a lady that was having her second with a little boy who was 4. It made me realise that there are advantages  of slightly bigger age gaps. He was so excited and really knew what was going on. In my head I always wanted a 2 year gap but that marker has passed now so I am looking at the positives of bigger gaps. What day of your cycle do you actually start dr? xxx

Lyns-It is so hard when you are surrounded by pregnancy news. I just have to keep telling myself that we have done it once andwe WILL do it again. I understand why you don't feel confident about FET because of your history but when you read everyones signatures often the one that works is the one that they least expected to work. I know it's hard but try and stay positive, you will get there. xxx

AFM-I have had a lovely Christmas except that me and dd had terrible colds. she is better now but I think mine has turned into sinusitus so I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm excited about starting tx again but scared also. I feel like it turns me into a crazy women especially the 2ww. I want this to work for us all so much. xxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh God, should really not have eastenders on in the background, the story is too harrowing (and slightly weird, how would you not know your baby had been swapped after you had taken it home?! Must keep thinking that! It is not real!!)


Oh Christine, so sorry about the news. That is hard. But exciting times ahead for most of you. 


We gave NG the kitchen on NYE and she loves it but I have complained to ELC and asked for vouchers as it's just not worth the £50 I paid (the RRP is £60). 


Am feeling in an odd place regarding TTC as unlike the rest of you I have a DH to convince before we even start the rollercoaster. We've had a lot of open and frank chats over Xmas which have helped as he needs to understand this isn't just a whim for me. I can't see him continuing to say no (that is where he is now) but I know he tends to leave things until the last minute before making the decision I want him to and we need to get things prepared shall we say so I've planned to start the supplements in March as we have set a date of 1st June to start again (he knows this and thinks I'm a bit   but hasn't rejected the idea outright so I'm hopeful - and slightly pathetic but I'm not going to face the possibility that we aren't even going to try until (or if) I have to.  Just thinking we may not even try again makes me cry. 


Let's hope it doesn't come to that.


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## sleepypenguin

Hi Ladies
*Katie IKWYM re convincing DH I have started badgering mine recently, it took years to convinvce to try for number 1 and look where we ended up, it makes me cross as we have MF and I know it is wrong but I feel he owes me as if we were normal we would be TTC (with the likely hood of it working) now. What is clomid is it a medication and you TTC while taking it? I haven't watched Eastenders avoided it deliberately.

Notty Hope AF behaves and turns up on time and you feel better soon

Lynns  I have started to find myself seeing my NCT friends less as I am sure teh announcments will start soon, it is so hard like you say as you are happy for them but at teh time it is a punch in the stomach everytime. Good luck for this sycle

Christine Good luck for this cycle a natural BFP in the past must give you hope 

I got upset in Mothercare today as there were bumps everywhere like I was this time last year. Dh suggested we save the £5000 put aside for our next ICSI adn spend it on DS instead  he is not in the same world as me.

Anyway speak soon

x

*


----------



## lyns76

Hi Lovelies, 

Thank God i have you lot to chat to, felt so low again today, i know it will pass a little as it usually does but all these announcments are getting to me, i even cried when i read that Amanda Holden is having baby number two !!  
i am sure if i had more friends that only had one child i would feel better but everyone around me has at least two and its driving me crazy, i am sick to death of feeling so down and jelous about other people, its really turned me into someone i dont know anymore.  I have a fantastic life and i dont mean to be big headed at all but things have always come easy for me in the way of being popular and good at sport etc (God i sound like a right bragger !) but the one thing i want more than anything in the world is such a struggle to achieve.  I love my husband to bits and he is my best friend but he just doesnt get how i feel, he adores our son more than anything and to him he's enough.  Hubby has agreed to further treatment but i know he would be happy if i said enough is enough!!
I hate myself for saying it but i feel so bitter towards him at times as i always dreamed of a big family.

I just prey to god that we can all look back this time next year and be happy that we have achieved our goals again.

Sorry for the me rant again just feel so emotional at the moment.

How's everyone else doing?
ChrisB and Notty looking forward to having you as cycle buddies, am sure we can get through it together and Katie i am sure your hubby will come round, my hubby was adament we werent going through it again but he backed down in the end !!

Love Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Lyns  

And Sleepypenguin, clomid is a preparation you take orally which makes you ovulate so is used where the mummy to be has irregular cycles. They then track you via ultrasound to see how your ovaries are responding and tell you when to do the deed. For many couples it's something to try possibly with IUI before doing IVF (or while waiting for IVF). It often makes you release more than one egg too so there's more chance of falling pregnant. 

Argh, back at work today.


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone

Christine, that must have been so hard on you, three of your friends giving birth and It should have been you  . Life can be so unfair. Good luck for your treatment  

Lyns, it seems life is giving you a hard time at the moment too. I keep preempting the potential for more heartbreak too. It is almost enough to put me off more tx, not quite though. I sooo hope it works out for you. It's rubbish to feel upset all the time.  

Notty, my mum gets sinusitis, it really gets her down, poor you. Hope you feel better soon in time for tx. Good luck!  

Sleepypenguin, men are so different from us aren't they? I am sure your LO would love a sibling much more than £5000's worth of stuff!   I hope you persuade him. 

Katie, it is extra hard for you and Sleepypenguin I think, not even knowing whether you will have more tx. I think you are very wise to carry on as if you will, with the supplements and stuff. It sounds like you know him well enough to guess he will agree at the last minute. I think sometimes our boys need to feel it was their own decision and not one made for them! Fingers crossed, I'm sure it will work out. 

AFM I think I will be having tx mid Feb if the clinic get their act together. I have yet to give them feedback. I need to word it very carefully. I don't want them handling my eggies with any negativity about 'that moaning old bag that sent a nasty email'! 

Still feeling a bit crappy about my sisters pg. She's showing a bit already. Bit sick of other peoples announcements too. Not using ******** anymore. Also heard a few sad stories of MC's and even a stillbirth. OMG unimaginable.  


Good luck all. Love and hugs xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls 

How are you all? Sorry I have been AWOL for a bit - had a tummy bug before Xmas, then a manic Xmas Day/Boxing Day and then we went straight to the Cotswolds with our friends (the one who is expecting No. 2  ) and have only just had a chance to sit down after catching up with the mounds of washing/taking Xmas decs down/sorting my life out!! So thought I would make myself a cuppa while LO is asleep and catch up with you guys!

I have read back on all your posts...
*Louloumay - *Sorry to hear about the hassle with your clinic  I think you are right to complain if you are not happy. At the end of the day, they hold your happiness in their hands (as well as paying them a fortune!) so you are entitled to ensure you are getting the level of tx you deserve. On the other hand - things happen for a reason, so maybe the delay in tx was 'meant to be'?! Let us know how you get on!
*Katie - *Totally with you on the Eastenders front! I watched it on NYE and it really made me feel uncomfortable.. but now I think it is getting a little silly?!! Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you re: your DH... hope he comes around soon. I bet deep down he also wants another LO but these men just aren't strong enough to cope with things like us chicks  Don't think about not having tx again.. PMA and all that!!
*Chrisgib - *Hope you are feeling a little better now. Sending you lots of  
*Sleepypenguin - *Your DH saying about spending the £5000 on your DS made me smile in a warped kind of way  Such a typical bloke thing to say!!  My argument would be that inadvertently you WOULD be spending it on your DS... in making him a sibling  
*Notty - *Great that you've got a tx date and also that it ties in with some of the other girls on here. I hope you will all keep us updated - I need to work myself up for another lot of tx in the near future  
*Lyns - *Hope you are picking up a bit now after your down days  These bumps and babes are constantly surrounding us and it is always going to be painful as long as we are still striving for our second miracle. The closer to home it is, the more it hurts. I have to say, I did catch myself looking longingly at my friend's ever growing bump over the New Year period  But I did try and push it out of my mind over Xmas which was easier than usual because we were so busy - but the moment things have gone back to normal.. those old thoughts and feelings have come rushing back...

It is funny how you think about what you would like to happen in the future isn't it?! Last night, as we were packing up the Xmas tree I said to DH 'I wonder what we'll be doing this time next year?' He said: 'Maybe you'll be all round and fat with another little one...' Hmm - we can only hope         New Year doesn't really bother me but this year it really bugged me - I was so apprehensive about it ending as it has truly been the best year of my life and I can only imagine if this year is half as good, I shall be a very happy lady   

Happy New Year ladies - and fingers crossed for a bloody good one.

Pocket Rocket xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Pocket what a lovely thing for your DH to say.


----------



## PocketRocket

Yeah, I guess it was    


PR xxx


----------



## Mummy who had PGD

Hi Ladies,

Have just been having a read through this thread and your posts confirm what I was already thinking about how lots of us in our situation seem to feel guilty or selfish for trying to have baby number 2. It is completely illogical, we are only wanting what lots of people get really easily.

I feel guilty for wanting another as though I am not grateful for having Dexter my gorgous son.
I feel bad for all the money we are spending and all the time away from him that IVF entails (I have to travel)
I also feel guilty when I think of all the other people trying to do IVF who never managed to get even one baby.

I did a post about it on my blog and was wondering if any of you minded posting some comments with your opinions. It may make other people in a similar situation feel better. Hope no one minds me butting in on your thread and posting it here.

http://apgdblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-baby-and-planning-number-two.html

Shona

/links


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## chrisgib

Hello everyone,

Sorry I've been busy with Holly's birthday party and then away for a few days to see my parents in Harrogate (haven't seen them since last August); so I haven't been able to get online for a bit.

I hope you're all Ok, sorry I haven't time for personals tonight but just wanted to say hello. 

I'm starting treatment (long protocol) on Wednesday, although OTD won't be until the beginning of March. All feels a bit daunting but hopefully I'll feel better once I'm back on the rollercoaster. My folks were really supportive so the trip was good and has helped me feel more positive about things. In an effort to take control a bit, I'm going to join weight watchers this week too, hopefully it will all contribute to a BFP!   

As for Eastenders - I can't bring myself to watch it at the moment, it makes me tearful just thinking about these things happening. Since having Holly, I'm an emotional wreck.   

 to you all. 2011 is going to be a good year for us I hope.    

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Christine it's lovely to hear you sounding so positive. I know very little of the long protocol treatment but wish you loads and loads of luck x x x


----------



## lyns76

Hi ladies, 

Hope you are all feeling ok.

As for me, started spotting today so should be day 1 of period either tomorrow or Wednesday so i can then book my day 10 scan in ready to start my natural FET.

I am bricking it now!!!!!

Half of me thinks that i cant be 100% ready to start this all again as i keep thinking about putting it of till next month.
God what a mess.  I am so eager to get going again, just so worried about how i will cope if it is a BFN.

Surely i should be feeling positive as i know it can result in a baby...my son is proof, perhaps i would feel more positive if i was starting a fresh ICSI rather than a FET.

I just cant see it working, i have tried FET a good few times in the past and they didnt want to implant before so why now.

I am officialy bonkers      

How's everyone else

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Good luck Chris!  

Good luck Lyns!  

xx


----------



## Notty

Lyns-Good luck. I'm sending you lots of pma       xx

Chrisgib-Wow can't believe your starting tomorrow. Good luck with your first injection. How are you feeling? xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls   

Wow - It's so exciting that you are starting/have started tx, Lyns and Christine!! Wishing you the VERY best of luck    - we're with you every step of the way.

PR xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

LynS - yes, there is a chance you could get a BFN and if you do you will be gutted so feel positive and excited hun while you can. We only have one life and I honestly believe you need to stay positive and enjoy of as much of it as you can, that includes treatment, (if possible!) as I know of two ladies with babies who were FET so it can happen and you could waste weeks feeling sad and get a BFP at the end.....hope that makes sense?!


I meanwhile am broody as hell, spent the weekend with three pregnant girls, 34, 35 and 37.5 weeks pregnant, I felt kicks and everything. My ovaries could be heard clanging in the next village


----------



## lyns76

Thanks girls for all our best wishes.

All i can do is try.....or waste the next fertile years of my life forever regretting.
I hit 35 in Septemeber so i suppose i should at least spend the next few years giving it all i can.

I do hate to sound so negative all the time, my life is fantastic other that this sh*t so i really shouldnt complain.

Dear God above i swear this time that if you can just bless me with one more babba then i will never ever moan again and i promise that next time i get broody i will get a pup !!!!!!

Will be phoning tomorrow to book my scan in then it should be all sytems go.  Just hope now that my little boy's twins/triplets will survive the big thaw.......note to one's self....just take one step at a time.

How on earth did i get through it last time??!!!!!!

Love you all, 

Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

With good friends and by being super brave....you can do it again


----------



## louloumay

oh help, I've completely lost all my pma  

Dp has been on 4 day week for a few months now. We are really struggling to make ends meet, he's just told me it's not going to pick up any time soon, if ever. He also said he can't wait for the tx to be over so we can 'get back to  normal'. What does that mean? Normal? Skint? No baby?   Then he said he is finding it hard to cope with the ivf . We haven't even started yet. What is he going to be like when I really am going to need him? It's floored me a bit really. Can't seem to stop crying. I feel quite lonely right now. 

I'm so sorry Christine and Lyns to be miserable at such an exciting time for you.

xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh loulou boys are brilliant at saying completely the wrong thing. He will be there for you, he's a man, they have simple needs and anything complicated knocks them off their simple life plan but when the time comes he'll do the right thing and it will be ok


----------



## chrisgib

Loulou - how are you feeling today?  Has DH said any more?  

I'm really not the best one to talk about DH support, but in my experience they want the positive result/baby, but not the stress and obsession that goes along with tx. Who can blame them really! We'd all like that, but if we girls don't drive it and make all the lifestyle sacrifices then it just won't happen.  

The finances are a real struggle though, and I thing the boys focus on this more than we do as it's more tangible and logical. My DH keeps telling me it's the same as putting £6k on a 7-1 horse!  As my dad reminded me, those horses do sometimes win.   

I'm sure as Katie says, that once you're on the rollercoaster again, he'll get his head in the right place for him and you.

Rely on us here for support - that's what we're here for - no-one else really understands.   

Lyns - did you make the phonecall?  Hope it all goes smoothly for you. Are you doing a natural or a medicated cycle?

Pocketrocket & Notty - how are you both doing? Thanks to you both for your good wishes.

AFM - drugs have arrived so off we go.  Trying to not get in such a bad place as last time, need to prepare myself of BFN's and possibly the end of TTC. I know that sounds all very negative, my 7-1 horse might come in after all. I have to do it before the drugs get hold of me IYKWIM! 

I joined Weight watchers online today too, so have been trying to get some control in my life back. Not sure how many points DD's left over pizza was though, don't want to shock my body too much by not eating it!

Take care everyone.   

Christine
x


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Louloumay    Hope you're bearing up. These men, as Katie says, know exactly what NOT to say at exactly the WRONG times, don't they!? He'll be there for you.. they always are in the end, despite their ridiculous comments! I guess it's harder because they know what is coming re: IVF process - I must admit, not knowing what is ahead of you does in a way make it easier! Like giving birth, I guess    

That's what I thought when you wondered how you got through it in previous times, Lyns - you'll be fine once you start.. pure determination and PMA will get you through in the end - it's worked once, remember?!   

Good for you, Christine re: tx and WW!   

AFM, all ok here thanks - going back to work at the end of Feb but doing a few KIT days here and there so keeping busy this week, which does help. Spent the morning with my pg friend and another mum who had her second two weeks after my LO. They had a lengthy conversation on double buggies, coping with two kids, dealing with the eldest's behaviour when feeding the youngest, etc which did hit a nerve but I refused to let it get me down.. just kept thinking 'It's ok, it'll be you again soon!' I'm sure the PMA will falter at some point soon ie. when I find out that someone else I know is pg    but I'm happy to go with it for now!

DH and I were talking at the weekend about when to start tx next (although part of me is loathed to make plans as I feel it tempts fate big time!!) but we have decided that maybe around May would be good for us. I need to have it in my head now in order to psyche myself up for it and mentally prepare myself especially as this time I know what is coming. Also feel that I shouldn't just presume that because it worked the first time, that it will work this time.. but then I'm crossing the boundary into the realms of pessimism which I want to avoid at such an early stage!!    In my mind I am trying to convince myself that it won't work, hence starting tx so soon after LO's first birthday... I want to make sure that we can fit in another cycle of tx before I hit 33!! 
(Where the £ for all of this is going to come from, I haven't a clue   .. but I will stop at nothing to make my dream complete     ) Hark at me - refusing to make plans.. hmmm!

Anyway, I am waffling now so will sign off sending you all lots of    and   

PR xxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi all, 

Louloumay i think most men are the same to be honest.  Of course they love their children but if your other half is like mine sometimes he needs a good kick up the bum and telling off to truely understand how we feel about wanting another child.
I suppose we do have to feel sorry for them in a way......my hubby has had to put up with so much from me, i constantly moan at him about unfair it all is and i always seem to be in a bad mood and only want nookie if its the 'right time of the month' !!  I know deep down my husband just wants the old me back and for us to be happy as we were before we started trying for children.  I bet that's what your husband wants too and perhaps it is just how they word things sometimes.

My husband has often told me that i should feel lucky that i have a child and even though i know what he means i do feel like shouting at him and saying "oh yes i am so lucky that we had to go through all this upset and £10,000 pounds to have a baby" !!! 

Please try not to get upset, i am sure it will all work out ok for you.  We are all here to support each other   

Got my day 10 scan booked in for next Friday so i should know more about a date for the transfer.....excited, scared, nervous, happy and worried all rolled into one!!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and so happy that this thread has continued.

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

Hi all, 

Thanks for understanding  . I'm so glad I can come here where you guys all know how it feels. Men can be a bit rubbish can't they. Yes Katie 'simple' about sums him up! Feel a bit better now. Sulked all day (LO at DP's mum's), whinged down the phone to my mum for half an hour (she said all the right things like ' hmmm' 'oh dear' and 'you poor thing'), cried a bit more and then told DP how I felt when he got home. Explained how it's really important I stay positive and that's hard when he's not. He seemed to get it.  

Christine - you've got the drugs! Woohoo! It must feel so real now. 7-1 sounds like ok odds to me.  

Pocket - why shouldn't it work twice in a row? I know someone it happened for. It's good to psyche yourself up for two though, it makes the first one less pressured and then probably more likely to work  

Lyns - Not long to go then. Blimey! I sooooo hope it works  

I can't believe this year is here already and most of us are back on the rollercoaster again. We must be mad. Thank goodness for this thread!


----------



## lyns76

Hi girls, 

can i just ask a thicky question.....
How do you find out/remember everyones names and info on this thread?, do you have to just look back at previous posts or is there an easier way?

I feel really ignorant sometimes because i miss people out on here !!

Hope you are all doing ok

Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

ooh good question. I've always just looked back but if there is an easier way please share! x


----------



## Tillypops

If you like I can try and make a list for you on the first page of the thread............................?  It won't be done for a couple of days though, so bear with me!

Tilly
xxxx


----------



## louloumay

oh yes please.

great idea


----------



## louloumay

Well, I've finally made my set up appointment for next monday and I've got my prescription, so tx will start on next period. 5th  Feb probably, my 42nd birthday! Woohoo!

Here we go again then. 

How is everyone doing?

xx


----------



## chrisgib

Great news Louloumay.   I find it's all so much better when you have a plan in place! Are you doing the short or long protocol?  We might end up on the 2ww together - think mine will be at the beginning of March.

In an effort to lose some weight, I went to the gym today - it was horrid. Think I only stayed about half an hour, and did lots of wandering about reading notice boards. I look and myself and think yuk, so I've got to do something. Think I need a class with a scary man/woman who will boss me around.

I feel very different about the treatment this time, almost like I'm resigned to it failing already, I don't think about it very much and keep forgetting to take my drugs - need a good kick by someone. Just can't face feeling like I did last time if get a BFN. Problem is we have to risk it in order to get the BFP. Sorry to be sounding down in the dumps.

Right - moan over, feel better for that.   Will be happy and full of PMA from now on.

How's everyone else?

Christine
x


----------



## lou la bell

Hi everyone, ive just seen this thread and its so lovely to speak to others in the same boat.
We have a beautiful daughter whos nearly 6 and we would so love another baby.
Starting ivf in March but it will have to be our last go as we just cant afford anymore.
me and dh have had so many rows about it all and i turn into an absolute cow at times.
Sometimes i feel it completely takes over my thoughts.Also feel such a cow when others tell me theyre pregnant as it just seems so easy for most 
Anyway moan over, good luck to everyone and hears wishing all of our dreams come true this year xxxx


----------



## louloumay

I'm doing a short protocol Christine, haven't done it before. So I'm guessing ET will be around last week in feb.

I'm sorry your feeling rubbish, you made me laugh with your wandering around looking at notice boards though, that's just what I would do! What if you took an mp3 player to the gym so you could be in your own bubble. I think we all look at ourselves and thing yuk sometimes, I find the trick is not to look in the mirror! Ikwym about feeling negative, trying to avoid the pain of a bfn. I'm sort of pretending it's not happening at all which is hard when your taking a hundred vitamins a day, having acupuncture and not drinking any booze! Not to mention the bump and baby envy!  

AND now blinking Victoria Beckham is at it again. Isn't 3 kids and a beautiful (albeit a little dopey) hubby enough? 

Ho hum

Welcome Lou La Bell, we know how you're feeling, don't feel bad. It's just not fair


----------



## Katie4

Thank God you've mentioned VB! I thought I was the only one thinking that  


Loulou Bell welcome hun. We have lots of arguments in this house about no 2 too (although ours currently relate to me wanting one more and DH not being overly keen...however, I naively have a little plan of my own which I'm still sticking to which is that we will start to TTC again in June).


Found out yesterday that our NHS hosp will only do investigations after TTC for a year even though we have known factors and that nothing will be funded. I still need to establish exactly what that means as I get that IVF or ICSI wouldn't be funded but I thought I'd be able to get clomid without going privately although I guessed I'd have to pay for my prescription but not all the scans and consultant's time. Does anyone know?


----------



## louloumay

Sorry Katie, I haven't got the faintest idea. Maybe someone else will know. How come you can't get a funded go? Is it because you already have a LO? 

xx


----------



## lou la bell

Hi Katie,
We got clomid from our doctor after we saw fertility specialist on the Nhs, just the cost of a perscription

Am reasured that its not just dh and i that row about all of this.Ah happy days


----------



## Tillypops

Please be careful about what you say about people in the public eye on here - you don't want FF to end up in court for libel!!!

Will try and do your list this weekend as promised!

Tilly
xxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Oops. sorry.


----------



## Tillypops

Hey Louloumay, don't worry......


----------



## Tillypops

Haven't forgotten about your list ladies, just short of time at the moment.  It would help if you could all do a quick post with whereabouts you are in your tx etc so that I can just put it together rather than having to trawl back through all the posts.

Did you all have good weekends?

Tilly
xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

I'll start you off Tilly. 


I'm hopeful of convincing DH to have another this year! (Sad but true and I'm OK with sharing it, the other ladies are much more in the thick of it though, I'm counting at least three of you just starting tx     )


Lovely weekend thanks for asking, you?


----------



## lyns76

Thanks Tillypops !!

My details - scan on fri for FET, should ovulate Sat or Sun and hoping they can do my FET on Tues or Wed as found out today that it is the only day i can get off work.....new job so they have no idea what i am going through !!

hope everyone is ok,  i am rather sad again today   

Had good weekend then made the mistake of looking on ******** and saw yet more preg announcments, so fed up with how i feel.

Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

OMG LynS, you're having FET this week. I'm not sure how but I didn't realise. My goodness hun that is exciting and scary and amazing all rolled into one. Try to keep as    as you can. I know of two babies just from the few girls I know on here who were "snow babies" so try to keep that in mind.


----------



## lyns76

Katie4, 

Thank you, it should be next week, not this week.  I have got my scan on Friday so should know more then.

Not sure how i feel about it all, doesnt feel real at the moment to be honest, just hope all goes to plan and that i can have it on Tues or Wed next week or i will have to cancel it till next month.....what a mare !

Hope you are well xx


----------



## Dannii_Doots

hello lovely ladies 
I have been M.I.A for quite a wile, things havent been going very well  going to see a counceller (?) on Friday to talk things through, hopefully it clears my foggy mind  just waiting on my letter of offer at the min, any day now fingers crossed  to start in March, 
so pleased to hear that some of you are getting ready to jump on the crazy train again  we can do it!!
 to all, catch up soon xx


----------



## chrisgib

Welcome Dannii. Hope you get your letter soon.

Thanks Tilly - I've just started a fresh ICSI cycle at BCRM, stimming will start on 11th February.

Good lucky Lyns - hopefully you'll be posting your own announcement on ** before long. It does hurt reading others though - I share your pain.

How are you doing Katie - are you managing to stay 'un-obsesses' with it all?

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone   

Tillypops - DH and I are still in the process of deciding when we will try our next cycle... hopefully it will be at some point in the next six months all being well   

Lyns - Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you! I know it's hard, but do try to stay positive. You know where we all are if you need us   

ChrisGib - Not long for you now either! You start stimming the day after my birthday    It must be a good sign   

Katie4 - Hope you are doing ok and feeling positive   

Dannii Doots - Good to hear from you    Sorry to hear you're not great at the moment    Things will pick up in time - you will be fine and ready to fight again before you know it   

Hi to everyone else   

Pocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hello!

Tillypops - I have my set up appointment on the 24th, and am on an antagonist cycle, starting on next AF. Probably 4th or 5th Feb and I guess ET around two week after that. Hope you're well.

Blimey Lyns I didn't realise it was that soon, I hadn't connected my brain. Not supprised your feeling a bit iffy, you never know, it may well work!   Try and keep positive like Katie says. Or block it out completely! That's how I try to cope. Good luck!!!   

Hi Danni, wondered how you were doing. Sorry you feel a bit rubbish. Counselling can really help. Hope you feel better soon  

Hi to Katie, Pocket and Christine, hope you girls are feeling good and having a fabby start to the year! 


xxx


----------



## Katie4

Ha ha ha unobsessed, me?!! Having spent the weekend with three heavily pregnant ladies two weekends ago, watched every second of one born every minute last night sobbing hysterically at each birth nothing could be further from my mind! LOL I think I am in an OK-ish place today though. Thanks for asking. 

Looks like this is going to be a busy thread over the next few months..... x


----------



## chrisgib

Katie you make me laugh!   

Although logically, you really are torturing yourself. But I know OBEM is compulsive viewing.

How does DH cope with all this though - my DH hates it when I'm obsessed - but I'm not sure there's any other way!

Pocket - you sound really chilled about it all - can you give us some tips? Maybe I've read it wrong, is it that you haven't decided when to start tx, or is it that you don't know when your next AF will be?

Christine
x


----------



## PocketRocket

Chris - your post made me laugh! Me? Chilled!?!!!   My DH would love to have a conversation with you    

I think to be honest part of my 'chilled' attitude (it'll be short-lived I guarantee you   ) is down to the fact that my LO is only 9 months old - your LOs are generally older than mine and you guys have had more time to think about having a number two... many of you have also suffered from a BFN (something I am lucky enough not to have experienced - yet?!?   ) or other disappointments and perhaps have a more realistic view than me!?! 
Also my life is quite busy right now... I am about to start back at work, my LO has just started crawling and is developing a real personality and I am thoroughly enjoying being a mummy. Although I have my dark days and I am sure there are many more ahead   , I can't let myself be down and sad for too long as I don't want to miss any second of my angel growing up. If, heaven forbid, we aren't able to have any more (my stomach lurched when I typed that   ) then I don't ever want to look back and think that I spent all of his childhood wishing for something more.
That said, when our tx time approaches and I am sure there will be obstacles that crop up too, I will be just as nervous and apprehensive as the rest of you! I was a nightmare last time round and I am sure I will be worse this time as I know what to expect!
I still think EVERY DAY about being blessed again with another little angel (I keep using that reference because children simply ARE angels and are blessings to us all - sorry if that sounded cheesy    ) and I really don't believe I could ever give up on my dream of having another baby and completing our family. Although I have a good job, I have never been particularly career-minded or ambitious - ever since I was little I always wanted to grow up to be a mum. I am determined that I will achieve my goal and at this precise moment in time, I feel that I will never give up on that dream. I just can't. 

As an add-on to that, I also read my horoscopes for this year and they said that I must remain positive so that things can happen for me - if I think negatively then negative things will happen!!

Hope I haven't gone on too much there. Sort of got me on a roll     

In terms of having tx Chris, we have loosely decided on when we might start the process again.. We want to wait until LO has reached one year and then my DH's job kind of slows down May/June time so he will be available to look after our LO/come with me to the clinic etc, so it may suit us to go for it then. He also goes away with work at the beginning of August and I remember that it was horrid being on my own after having just got a BFP so god knows how I would feel if he went off and left me with a BFN!!!!      If I am honest, I am also so apprehensive about planning things like this (which is totally against my hyper-organised nature   ) as I feel it tempts fate!!

Lots of love to you all - sorry for the MASSIVE post!! LO is feeling suitably neglected now, bless him!!

PR xxxx


----------



## miss mischeif 1

Can I please join you all, I am on my 3rd treatment have a scan tommorw to see how many follicles have grown feel really scared of getting 
hurt again x


----------



## PocketRocket

Welcome Miss Mischief   

Good Luck for your scan!

Pocket Rocket x


----------



## Katie4

Hi Miss M, hope your scan goes well.


LynS - how has yours gone?


----------



## lou la bell

Hi ladies, 

Just wondered how scans have gone??

Fingers crossed all is going to plan 

Is anyone up to anything nice this weekend? x


----------



## miss mischeif 1

cant beleive it I have got 9 follicles another scan on monday, hoping all works out next week, how are you all xxxxx


----------



## lou la bell

wow,
Thats fantastic news, i will be keeping everything crossed for you this weekend, sending loads of     

Lou la bell


----------



## PocketRocket

Great news Miss Mishchief! Keep us informed of your progress.

Well, after my massively positive and optimistic post the other day(I knew it wouldn't last long), I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps today :0( As expected, even more friends who were pg before I started tx last time are announcing their second pregnancies. I've literally just had a text from a friend who I don't hear from often.. I knew what the message said before I even opened it. The usual stomach lurching/tears welling etc began....

It just doesn't get any easier, does it girls?

Hope you're all ok - thanks for reading my moan :0)

Pocket xxx


----------



## miss mischeif 1

thanks for lovely messages, I felt happy today as my amh is so low that I am pleased that I have a little bunch of follies, just wait and take every step as 
it comes, another week next week. I hope lots of luck comes all your way!xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Hello everyone, 

I haven't checked in for a couple of days, I've been all wrapped up in organising my LO's birthday party for tomorrow. I've invited too many children   don't know how we're gonna fit em all in!

Good to see new people joining us on our thread, welcome Miss mischief! Congratulations on your follies! Gives me hope  as my amh is non existent.  

Sorry you feel down Pocket, I'm sure you'll get your mojo back soon. Blinking friend's pregnancies, you'd think they'd just give you a break for a bit eh? 

Hope everything is ok for you Lyns, thinking of you and sending you    

Hi Katie, Christine, Danni, Lou la bell, Tilly hope you are all fine and dandy xxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Just lost a big post - it is so so so annoying.   

This might have to be a short version, so apologies if it seems a bit blunt.

Louloumay - how did the party go - did you enjoy it?  I find that I tend to enjoy these things in hindsight when I realise how brilliant it was.  

Miss Mischief - another scan tomorrow?  Good luck, let us know how it goes.    

PocketRocket - hate texts like that. There's no easy way of dealing with them though.   Think about you instead - it's your birthday soon, what have you got planned? Re-read your previous post and remind yourself about all the things you put in there. Your LO is still very little, just try to relax and enjoy. Hope that doesn't sound patronising. This time next year hopefully we'll be talking about toddler tantrums and pregnancy/baby issues!   

Lyns - have you had your FET?  Have I missed a vital post. Hope you're OK.   

Katie4 - how are you doing? Keeping yourself busy I hope.   

Hello to everyone else, sorry I'm struggling to keep up with you all. 

AFM, still down regging - yawn yawn. Got about another 2 weeks to go. Starting to get PMT now though so DH is keeping his head down. Hopefully acupuncture on Friday will bring me back to my normal lovely self.   

 to you all.

Christine
xx


----------



## lyns76

hi girls, and a big welcome to the new members of our club, hope you are all well.

has scan on friday and all is perfect at the mo, had a good lining and a ripe egg on my right ovary so was told to start the ovulation strips and as it was likely i would ovulate this weekend i am booked in for another scan tomorrow.
i got the surge today so hoping they tell me tomorrow that the FET can go ahead on Tues or Wed.  If it cant be done on either of those two days then i will have to try again next month.  because i have started a new job in Novemeber i have decided not to tell anyone at work for obvious reasons so i have provisionally booked tues and wed off as holiday and just my sodding luck that my collegue has booked thurs and fri off so i cant have the same time off........all bloody fun isnt it ha ha.

feeling ok about it really, am expecting it not to work to be honest as i just cant see me being that lucky but i do want to use the frozen babies as cant bare the thought of them just being disgarded or used for medical science so i suppose putting it off wont make any difference.

I am in a pretty ok state at the mo (prob wont last !) and i have got a few nights out booked in February so at least if it doesnt work i can drink myself in to a comatised state !!!

HERE'S TO 2011 GIRLS...........IT WILL BE OUR TURN AGAIN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER !!!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


----------



## lyns76

Sorry for my terrible spelling, must start using spell check tee hee xx


----------



## Katie4

Evening! A quick one from me as it's so late 

Lyns great to hear things have started off well. (and if you do need thur or fri off I'm sure it wouldn't hurt for you to be "poorly" just this once? (I'm such a bad employee and cleArly know nothing of what you do so sorry if that's totally inappropriate )

Chris, sorry about the post and pmt...Thanks for asking- tough day here- good friend is due in 4 weeks and I said I'd lend her some of our things - namely a steriliser and rocking chair thing for the baby and it's left me feeling sad and thinking I might as well give our stuff away if dh doesn't change his mind soon. It's funny, I've already loaned this chair (which ng adored) to another friend and it didn't bother me but this time it's a bit close for comfort as I want to ttc again.


----------



## Katie4

Sorry posting on phone a d something funny hqppened there; 

Good luck everyone for this week, may your scans be spot on and those texts, emails and other pregnancy announcements be delivered softly. X


----------



## Tillypops

Sorry ladies, I haven't forgotten your list, but have had an unwell toddler twice in the last week - d&v last week, now a temp and cold symptoms!!!

Will do it as soon as, I promise!

xxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Helloooo!

Thanks for asking Christine, the party was great. The children had a fab time and DP was brilliant at entertaining them all. The kids were all really lovely too, with the exception of one child ( there's always one) who went round trying to burst all the balloons, pinching the jellied diamonds off the fairy cakes, saying she didn't like the prize she'd been given and wanted another one - specifically the birthday girl's one and then punched DP in the stomach 4 times because he was ignoring her - all in front of her parents who did NOTHING!!!! Phew [out of breath from long sentence].

Feel for you with the pmt being a fellow sufferer, I'd turn into an axe wielding maniac if I had an axe. It'll be stims time before you know it, keep your chin up 

Oohh Lyns, how exciting. Tuesday!! Excuse my ignorance but what are ovulation strips? and what does 'the surge' mean? I've had an FET cycle but don't remamber either of those things. Anyway, Good luck for the big day   , I hope you don't have to drink yourself into a comatose state! I'll be there with you though if my tx doesn't work.

Hope you've picked up a bit pocket, there were two pg girls at LO's party, it is relentless isn't it. It'll be our turn soon   

How is everyone else doing??

AFM I had my set up today, meds arrive tmrw so it's all go for first week in Feb.

Love to you all xxxxxxx


----------



## miss mischeif 1

I hope you are having a lovely evening, I went for 2nd scan today I have 9 and 3 on order line another scan wednesday and
ec possibly friday has anyone else got theres around this time

Wishing you all lots of love and luck 

L xxxxxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi Lovelies, 

Well i am PUPO as of today.  Not the best outcome for me but feel ok about it all.
We had three embs left from last cycle that gave us our son.  1 didnt survive, 1 lost 3 cells and the other lost 1 cell.
The one that lost 1 cell is still a grade 2 (with 1 being the best) so they are hoping that it will gain its cells again, unfotunatley the other one isnt a very good quality one but said i may as well have it transferred as it wont have any impact on the outcome of the other one so they did make me sign a form to say that i accept that it may result in twins!!!

Sounds silly but in a way i feel better knowing that it may not work because of the quality of them due to the thaw process, i always felt so bad on other BFN cycles because our embreos were always good quality.  So all in all i dont feel too bad about it all and will look forward to starting a fresh cycle in the future if this doent work.

Hope everyone else is doing ok,

Lyns xx


----------



## Tillypops

Lyns

Come on       .  People have had a BFP with far worse embies than that!! I can't see a fat lady and I certainly can't hear any singing!!

Tilly
xxxxx


----------



## lyns76

Thanks !

yeh i know what you mean, just trying to say that i feel ok about it really.
Gonna have a look on the other FET post about embs loosing cells.....prob stupid and make me feel more negative tee hee!!

Lyns xx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi Lyns,

I can understand your concern, as you probably just want to duplicate the cycle that was successful with your son - but as Tilly said, there are lots of stories where far worse embies than yours that have gone on to become healthy pregnancies. 

So chin up, and see if you can live in a lovely world of hope for the next two weeks until OTD.  No early testing (hark at me!); just focus on your son and the time will fly by.     

I so so hope it works for you.   

AFM, still downregging.....!   

Christine
xx


----------



## lyns76

aw thanks, 

Good luck Christine, the down regging sucks doent it !!
This has all happened so fast for me i cant actuallt believe that i have had it done, only really got the ball rolling in Dec !

yes its not the best of outcomes for me but i feel at peace with it all at the mo and what will be will be.  Got other things going on as well with work etc so all good 

xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh lyns am so pleased it happened today and it all worked out workwise. Enjoy being pupo, you sound very calm. 

Evening everyone else, hope you are ok x


----------



## louloumay

oh good luck lyns, like the others say, try and keep yer pecker up (or does that mean something else entirely? ).
I hope the next two weeks are super chilled for you, got my fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes all crossed for you    

and        for you too miss mischief
xxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone!

Lyns - Congrats on being PUPO! You are sounding so calm about it all and your attitude is fantastic. Keep it up.. It can only be a good thing! I totally understand your apprehension about your snow babies, but hey.. Just imagine if they DID grow - how much inspiration would you give to us on this thread?!!?!?! Keeping everything crossed for you. I hope the next couple of weeks fly by. 

Christine - Hope the down regging is going ok. I remember my consultant saying that DRing was like 'ploughing a field... The farmer making it clear so new crops are ready to grow'!!!!! Hehe - it made me laugh, but I liked the analogy!!

Hope everyone is well. Ok here - going to spend the afternoon with two friends who have two kids each and the friend who texted me the other day to say she was PG with her next.. Going to try and be brave ;0(

Take care,
PR xxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Pocket, hope you managed to enjoy it and made the most of only having to worry about one little one, even if it was just for a second. 

Argh, have been charting my temp just to check everything is OK     assuming I can convince DH when he comes home on Sat that I've been supermum/wife while he's been gone and TTC and having another will be a breeze   and I'm on the emotional rollercoaster again with literally not a chance of being pg because DH is away    Clearly I am bonkers. 

Chris, how many days to go until DR is over? You may have noticed I like to keep count of these sort of things. 

Hugs to everyone else, I'm working tonight so best get back to it.


----------



## Katie4

V quiet on here. Hope u are all ok.  

Ng was 2 on sun so had a nice weekend.


----------



## chrisgib

Hi Katie and everyone,

Sorry - not been on for a bit. Been trying to put tx at the back of my mind for now - of course that means I have a panic every night as I forget to do my injection - but so far not forgotten it completely. (Doing injection instead of sniffing).

I had my blood test yesterday and no phone call, so that means it's all going to plan. But due to lack of scan dates, I don't start stimming til the 11th Feb hence trying to forget about it as otherwise I just get cross.

It's my DH's 40th birthday today - tempted to allow myself a glass of wine - I've been rubbish at the whole diet thing. Surely a glass or two can't make a difference - can it?! Slippery slope I know - might be better just to be good.

Katie - Happy birthday to NG - did you have a party? 

I feel like I've been going to non-stop 2yr old parties as all Holly's friends are born within a 6 week space! It's been good though, it's such a great age.  I wasn't saying that a couple of days ago though, as at 2 years old she demanded 3 bottles of milk during the night - grrr!  There's no negotiating though. I'm blaming her cold/cough, so am letting her off for now.

Lyns - how are you doing - when is OTD?

Pocket - thanks for the ploughing analogy - made me laugh. I like that kind of thing. I'll be ready to enter a ploughing world cup after DR for a month!

How's everyone else?

Christine
xx


----------



## lyns76

Hi all,

Hope you are all ok.

My OTD is next wednesday.
Today is day 23 for me and i usualy start spotting on day 24 so i decided to test today and its a BFN 

Its only 7 days past transfer but 10 days past ovulation so i am sure it is accurate and it was a totaly drug free cycle so my period wont hold off at all. I wanted to know really to save being upset at work. I have been having period pains but tried not to read too much into it as i did have them on my TWW when i was pregnant.

I was very upset this afternoon and broke down at home, then my son came up to me, flung his arms around me and said "mummy dont cry, i make you better" !!
My heart melted and made me realise how lucky i am to have him and i just though, god i have been in a worse place than this before having my little boy so i can get through it again !!

I will obviously have to test next week, by which time my period will be nearly over!, so will then book a follow up to discuss the next steps.

Bring on the next go !!!!

Good luck to everyone else, hope to see some BFP's on here soon,

Lyns xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Lyns.. so sorry to hear that      I am so glad that your DS gave you that special hug when he did though - kids just know, don't they?! Bless his heart. Loving your positive attitude - keep it up    Sending you lots of hugs xxxx

Chris - Glad to hear that DR is going well.. I don't know much about the long/short protocoal though?    I guess I must have been on the short as I only DRed for about 2 weeks.. what differentiates the two different lengths of DRing? I hope you treated yourself to that glass of wine   

Katie - Hope you enjoyed your LO's birthday   

All ok here - think DH and I have decided to call the clinic for a consultation in March then depending on how things are with both of us (   all is well and we can proceed as we did last time ) we are thinking about starting in April?!?!!?!! Kind of both scared and excited     But we'll see how things pan out.

Take Care,

Pocket xxx


----------



## lyns76

thanks pocketrocket, 

At least i can get back to normal, i hate the TWW !
I guess i will cry again once the bleeding starts.......i hate this lark but not ready to give up, just so glad i have my son to see me through this, i feel crap but no where near as bad as i felt on previous cycles before he came along.
Just looking forward to a follow up and to see what they suggest.

Hope all goes well for you in March/April.  I am sure it will work for us all again, after all we have proved that we can do it !!

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

oh Lyns, I'm so sorry it hasn't worked. Sending you lots of love and    .

Bless your LO, how sweet. 

xxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh, I posted on my phone but it's not here.   


Lyns - it seems so early to be testing sweetie,   hope AF stays away and you are wrong. The cry will have done you good, released some tension.   


Pocket, that is amazing, April will be here before you know it. Can you occupy yourself with some nice things in the interim which you can't do when pregnant? 


Chris, the 11th will be here so soon, and then everything will kick off. Well done on remembering your meds - I'm sure I would forget. 


Hope everyone else is OK, we are potty training


----------



## louloumay

Lyns,  Katie's post that it's early to be testing made me think back to my FET last year. I tested after 7 days too, on a Monday, with a first response test and got a bfn, two days later on Wednesday  I had a faint bfp! don't give up yet!   

xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi again all, I was reading back the posts and It struck me that not only are quite a few of us having tx around the same time but our LO's have birthdays around the same time. Oh and me, DP and your DH Christine. Spooky. 

Hope Ng had a lovely birthday Katie, 2 is such a cute age.

Down regging for a month seems like a loooong time Christine, you must feel like a pin cushion. The 11th will 'soon come' (Rastamouse, cbeebies. 2011).

Pocket, that's exciting for you! April will be here before you know it.

Lyns, I hope you are feeling ok today poppet   

AFM, after having pmt from hell, Af is here (what a relief) so scan tomorrow and start stimming Saturday - on my birthday, hope that's a good omen. I seem to have a lucky year every five years. Aged 27, 32 and 37 - I'll be 42 this year so maybe it's another lucky year. I sound like a superstitious mad woman I know, and I'm usually so rational!  

Hope everyone else is OK!

xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Lou lou not at all, I'm very similar to you on that front. For me it's all about days though, as in ng needed to be born at the back end of the week (bizarre I know) - she came on a Friday- I tested on a Thursday morning.... Ok so not that significant at all lol!!

Lyns - how's today been ?  

Chris- one day closer x


----------



## lyns76

Hi everyone,

i know what you mean about it being early to test but it was a completely natural FET with no drugs at all so the way i am thinking is that my period is due today/tomorrow and to be honest i KNOW it's on its way !!!
Had pains all day today which are getting worse and got PMT from hell.

Dont feel too bad to be honest, think its because there wasnt any hassle at all to this cycle and it all happened sooo fast so i cant moan really, culd've done without the £750 going straight on a tampon though lol !!

I am thinking about seeing if i could qualify for egg share ICSI but will have to hurry it as my clinic states that you have to be under 35 so only 8 months left, also depends if i am still fertile enough i guess.

Hope everyone is doing ok, thank god for this site hey !!!

Lyns xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Lyns, try not to think about the money, (it will only make you feel sick!) and a lot can be achieved in 8 months if you put your mind to it x


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,
  
  I've just heard the news about Amanda Holden - so sad.   Must be awful for it to be so public too. 
  
  How's everyone?

Lyns - how are you hun?   I so hope your early testing was wrong.
  
  We had DH's birthday party last night - so he's still sleeping it off. I  allowed myself one glass of wine and then drove to keep me on the  straight and narrow. That's it now though, must start being good. Jabs  all going fine, but have a very bruised tummy. 
  
  I need to have a bit of PMA. Feeling a bit doom and gloom at the moment.  Just bored with it all I think. I'm sure I'll be Ok once stimming  starts (Friday - hooray!)  Think I get a bit cross as DH doesn't seem to really be bothered - but then it's not him filling himself with drugs.  Sorry - I'll stop moaning about him now!


----------



## Katie4

I hadn't heard about Amanda, how devastating.   


Chris, of course you are feeling a bit low hun, you are DR after all,    whinge away about DH, we don't mind and most of us will join in about our respective other halves so you really aren't alone! Sorry your tum is so bruised. Have you thought of using arnica cream or gel? It might hasten the healing process. 


Lyns -   


Hugs to everyone else x x x


----------



## lyns76

hi girls, 

So so sad about Amanda Holden, how devastating.

As for me started spotting Friday morning and full day of blood yesterday just as i expected.
I felt crap but all in all i am not too bad about it all really, just keen to get going again with it all so will see what they say at my follow up.
got a huge list of questions ha !!

Hope everyone else is doing ok,

Lyns 
xx


----------



## chrisgib

Oh Lyns, I'm so sorry.    I know you were expecting it, but it doesn't make it any easier. Give yourself some time to recover, and then go and give the clinic a grilling at your appointment.   

 

Christine
x


----------



## Katie4

Oh lyns, I am sorry. It is such a shame. X


----------



## louloumay

I'm sorry to hear that Lyns. Sending you lots of     and      for next time 
xxxx


----------



## lyns76

Thanks Ladies, i am not too bad honestly.

Little mans been a nightmare this week so that is probably the reason that i am not too devastated ha ha !

Just looking forward to starting a fresh cycle in the next few months !

x


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone, it's been quiet on here. Hope you are all ok.

The sun is out here today, it's a really beautiful day. It really feels like spring is coming, I've even managed to get some washing on the line! LO is at dancing so I'm lounging around googling whether I'm allowed to eat chicken liver or not.  

Chris, have you started stimming yet? I've lost track of where everyone is at. I've only got two more sets of injections to go, I'm feeling a bit  poorly with it all. hope you're fairing better. Possibly EC on weds, I'll find out for sure on Monday.

Lyns, are you still feeling ok? Hope so.

Love to all

xxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi All,

louloumay hope you are feeling a little better....wont be long now before you can stop all the jabbing and luck forward to your embs getting snuggled in and i am so sure that they will like it there enough to implant!
  everything goe swell for you, have you managed to find out roughly how many eggs you have

I am ok really, a little up and down which is normal i suppose, just thank god that i have my little man running around.  Got house up for sale so looking forward to selling it and moving which will be a nice fresh start and i am also really enjoying my new job so all in all i shouldnt really moan at all.
Going to see Dereck Ackora live show on Thurs and then got our works do fri night so at least i can get drunk and enjoy myself.
Not sure if you know but Dereck Ackora is a famous spiritualist so i am really hoping that i can get a nice message come through from my Grandmas and obviously a nice message about having another baby would be just the ticket lol !

I have def decided to ask about egg share next time, it is VERY cheap at my clinic and it would be nice to help another couple too if possible but i think i need to have further blood test to check for cystic fibrosis etc and i think it also depends on my AMH reading and i havent got a clue was this is now.  Will be interested to see how much things may have changed since my last fresh cycle nearly 4 years ago.

just hope that i can still respond ok to the drugs,  cant remember my usual dosage but i always managed to get around 12 or 13 eggs which they told me is the average and they were pleased with that so fingers crossed that i can still respond ok.
may look into the short protocol as well.......soooo many questions to get answered ha ha

Lyns xxx


----------



## louloumay

I just posted something quite negative about the amount of good follies I have. I have just deleted it as I realised what a negative affermation it was, and since my IVF superstition has gone into overdrive   I am going to reframe it.

I have 6 or more follies that could produce great eggs, 3 of which are extra good!


Deffo ec weds.  

Hope you are all well, glad you are looking forward Lyns



xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

How are you all? Ploughing on with tx by the sounds of it    All very exciting! 

Best of luck for EC Louloumay - remember, it only takes one sperm and one egg to make a miracle    Let us know how you get on and keep up that positive thinking!!

Lyns - you are sounding very optimistic about things which is great. Good to hear you are a busy bee - I really believe that helps you get on with things instead of moping around, don't you think? That's not to say we don't deserve a bit of wallowing time though    Interesting what you said about egg sharing at your clinic - I don't know the ins and outs of it at ours but I have seen on their website that they offer free IVF if you egg share and I think it is something we would have to consider if our next cycle didn't work. 

Speaking of our next cycle - we have a follow up appt on 9th March to discuss the possibility of trying again. Kind of nervous and excited at the same time! I am not taking anything for granted and so refuse to assume that we will be able to go ahead as simply as last time but I am    that we can!

Lots of Love to you all xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone

feeling a bit despondent today, only got 2 eggs and only one has fertilised  . ET tomorrow, not feeling so hopeful about it. Looks like their AMH test was right or it was the wrong protocol, I had 5 eggs last time and it was only 4 or 5 months ago. oh well, fingers crossed eh?

Hope you guys are all feeling ok, it's been ever so quiet here of late.

L xxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Loulou, try to keep positive hun, like everyone says it only takes one. 

Pocket, gosh 9th March...that is exciting for you (and scary and all the other bits but let's focus on exciting!  ).

LynS I think it is a truly amazing thing you are thinking of doing regarding egg share.   

Chris G - not forgotten you sweetie...hope you are getting on OK x

Hugs to anyone I've missed. 

AFM....I'm just a little quiet as I've still not convinced DH to try again. We've not spoken properly about it since the end of Jan (so only two weeks but that's a long time for me  ). I'm trying to just get on with things for a few more weeks and hope that he's coming round as I'd suggested we start again in June (by my dates I'll ovulate around 31st May/1st June - not that I've been thinking about it or anything  ) which means he needs to start walking round in his shorts when at home and eating pumpkin seeds (it worked last time   - he didn't get on with all the vitamins/supplements) in March to give him a good 10 week run up.... I'm pretty sure he'll totally refuse treatment so I will be relying on a natural miracle - assuming I can achieve the impossible and actually get him to agree.    (also, I'm hoping he gets broody when my friend and my sis have their babies - next week for one and April for the other)


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Oh Louloumay    I can totally understand you feeling the way you do.. I would feel exactly the same way. But please do remember.. it does only take one - and that little one that has fertilised could be your next miracle    Hoping and praying for you   

Katie - It must be so hard for you. Having such a strong desire for another LO and not have DH supporting you must be such a battle. Like you say, hopefully seeing those close to you with their little angels might trigger that paternal instinct again   

All ok here - my LO is teething at the moment and is it is positively hellish    But I still want to do it again    Keep thinking about our appointment and getting a range of mixed emotions about it    but feeling kind of ready to just get on with it now!

Lots of Love to you all xxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

Sorry this is going to be a bit me me me. 

I've been for my day 8 scan this morning, but only 4 follies. I wasn't expecting many, but this is the worst ever. I know it's quality over quantity, and there's plenty of time for more to grow - it's just all such an anticlimax.  Next scan is on Monday so hopefully better news then.

I hate all this - is shouldn't have to be this way - but then all of you understand that!   

Everyone around me is so positive about it all, and all assume it's going to work - which it might i guess, but it's such a long shot - only about 15% so I have to be realistic too. 

Sorry to be so mopey, hopefully I'll be cheery again next week.   

DD was awake most of last night - as was I, so guess that's not helping my mood!  Acupuncture this afternoon, that will fix me.   

Hope you're all having a good day.

Christine
xx


----------



## lyns76

Oh bless you, i am SURE you will do just fine and it does only take one magical one to make a baby.

I know too well how hard it is to stay positive at times, i am sure come Monday you will feel a lot better.

Best of luck,

Lyns xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Chris, oh hun, hope you feel better after the acupuncture. It's a long complicated and difficult road. Here's hoping Monday will bring good news x x x


----------



## louloumay

tx cancelled


----------



## chrisgib

Oh hun I'm so sorry.   

Did they transfer the one good embryo you had - I'm assuming not.

That's so disappointing, I hope LO gives you a huge hug. 

I wish I could say something to make it better. Let yourself wallow for a bit, and then hopefully you'll find the strength to go again. Heartbreaking - I really feel for you.

     

Christine
xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Louloumay     Ditto everything Chris said. I'm so sorry    Thinking of you - I really am.

Chris - how are you feeling today?

Lots of Love and Luck to you all xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi Pocket,

I'm OK - no point worrying really as there's nothing I can do. Hopefully the scan will look better on Monday.  I keep wondering if I'm just too old to keep going for tx - but that kills me to think like that.

To torture myself further, I've just agreed to be 'nanny' to a friends 6 month old baby!  Hope my head's in a good place by the time I start doing that. (April)

How are you doing? How's LO and the teeth?  Bet you feel how I look!!   

Christine


----------



## PocketRocket

Will keep my fingers crossed for you on Monday    - do let us know how you get on.  And don't think that you are too old for going for tx    Look at these women in Spain and other European countries who are 60+ who go for it! I bet they don't give it their age a second thought   

Thanks for asking about LO's teething - thankfully the worst seems to have passed although he still is a little fussy about his food and won't drink his bottle (which is most unlike him) but there's not much you can do to force them really, is there?! He slept better last night though.. well, until 4am when he decided that he would like to get up and play...   

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Loulou I am so sorry hun. Sending you the biggest hug I can. X x


----------



## lyns76

Loulou, thinking of you honey,  this is such a tough journey but we are all here to support you and we do have a lot of understanding about how you must be feeling.  We put so much effort into this so it truley is heartbreaking.

I am on a bit of a downer too, spoke to a nurse yesterday at my clinic regarding doing egg share next time and i just felt like she was really trying to put me off.  She said its a very long process with the blood test for abnormalities and cromosomes etc taking around 2 months to come back then need to do loads of councilling and i wont get an appointment with the egg share clinic section until around June to even start the process and as i am 35 in Sept it will be pushing it as that is the cut off date.
All that is without me even knowing if my AMH is good enough so it looks like i may have to go back to my original plan and do my own fresh cycle without sharing my eggs.
Obviously the low cost of egg share was what made me think about it but it would have been nice to have been able to help other couples as well........they have made me feel old all of a sudden lol!
Looks like i am going to have to wait till we sell the house now as we are going to borrow some additional money on the mortgage to pay for treatment and we cant do it at the mo as ours is up for sale.
Just prey to god that this will be a good year for us all xx

Lyns


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

Lyns, don't let them put you off if it's what you really want to do - just make sure that they realise there's a deadline when booking all your tests etc - do they pay for all this or do you have to do that?  

Loulou - how are you - thinking of you.
  
  we had our 10 day scan this morning and things are still looking a bit  dire. Still only 4 follicles to speak of, although on a positive note  they've all grown really well since Friday. My lining is still looking a  bit thin though, so they couldn't really decide at the time what's best  to do next. 
  
  Looks like EC will be either Wed/Thurs or Friday, unless they opt for IUI but they said there's too many for that - can't win!!
  
  The cynic in me says that something has to go wrong for it to be successful - no logic to that though.   
  
  Sorry it's been all me me me. How are you all doing?
  
  Christine
  xx


----------



## Katie4

Oh chris, big week for you then. I'm sure they can help thr lining if it's not as thick as it should be by ec day. X 

Hugs to everyone. Good friend had her baby on Friday, broody broody broody - and I've not even seen a photo yet!


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

How are you all?

Chris - have you had EC yet?   

Louloumay - hope you are bearing up   

All ok here - not long until our follow up appointment at the clinic    Mixed feelings about that really! Bit preoccupied with the fact that I return to work on Monday.. don't want to leave my baby      Hoping the anticipation is worse than the actual going back! Only going back for two days a week though so can't complain too much   

Lots of Love to you all xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Oh Pocket - I really do feel for you this week.   Remember though it's going to much tougher on you, than it will be on LO. What childcare have you got lined up - if you're 100% happy with it then I'm told that's half the battle.  

Going back 2 days sounds ideal. I was made redundant and haven't found a good part time job anywhere so now feel entirely unemployable - it didn't take long to feel like that.   

Katie - how was your friend's baby?  Were you able to 'enjoy' the visit?

AFM - it's been a tough week, but it looks like we're still in the game and planning to have EC on Friday. My lining is still really thin so there was a chance they were going to cancel it, but a blood test today has reassured them that it will be OK. Only annoyance for me is that EC Friday will probably mean ET on Sunday which means organising acupuncture will be impossible. I shouldn't complain - I'm still paranoid that none of the eggs will fertilise, so got to jump that hurdle first. We've only got 4 follicles so I don't have high hopes - but we only need 1!   

My other stress this week (I've been ignoring it previously) is that DD screams her head off whenever she sees her Grandparents. Today it was really embarrassing as she preferred to sit with my friend at her gym class, rather than her Grandma. Must have been really humiliating for Granny.  Any tips welcome! ((I think she either thinks I'm going to leave her everytime she sees them (80% true); or she just doesn't seem them very often (about once a fortnight))   

Hey ho,  HCG tonight at 10.15pm so I'll be having a late night!

 to you all.

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Chris, fingers crossed for everything for you this week       On the grandparent thing, we had something similar with NG and her Grandad to the point that she sobbed every time he came in the room for ages and we'd never even left her with him. He was very good and ignored it and now they are getting along much better. A weekend with us and the Grandparents helped tremendously if that is an option? So they'd know when they come it doesn't always mean mummy is going away? 


Pocket, you are entitled to be anxious, it's so hard trusting other people to look after your baby. They will settle though and you will get used to it. Two days a week is nice, I do three (well three and a half usually  ) and I wish it was just two!! 


Loulou and LynS hope you are OK


AFM - my friend lives a long way away so not seen her baby until I got a pic today - totally scrummy, although my friend had a tough time (didn't most of us?!) and is still physically and mentally coming to terms with her experience. I've said I'm here when she wants to talk. 


Have been to see my obs physio tonight for an assessment as I had bad pelvic pain in pregnancy and needed her opinion on how likely it is that it will come back should I ever get pregnant again (highly - however knowing it's likely means lots of physio and management which should keep me on my feet and off crutches - in theory!!)and what I can do to help myself in the interim. Was a good appointment, but bless her she was expecting me to say "I'm pregnant - help my pelvis" - am going to talk to DH again this weekend. We need to be on the same page with this now.


----------



## Tillypops

Good luck Christine!

xxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

You are right - two days is nothing to stress about too much - I hope    

Chris - F is going to a childminder who is a friend of a friend.. she is lovely and I have no worries about her looking after my baby. We have met up several times since we employed her in October and F has met the little girl who she looks after at the same time and he met her own children who on Wednesday who adored him. Better still, she lives only 30 seconds drive from my workplace so I won't ever be too far from him    As you say, it'll be worse for him than me!
Best of luck for EC tomorrow   - will be hoping and praying all goes well. Could your acupuncturist do a session on Monday? I know it's best immediately before/after but maybe an appointment a day after could help? I swear by acupuncture    my lady was brilliant when I had EC/ET.. both were on a Friday/Saturday and she did a home visit for both and gave up some of her weekend to see me. Do let us know how you get on.

Katie - good luck for your conversation with DH    You sound like a woman on a mission    and quite rightly so! 

Loulomay - hope you are doing ok   

Hi to the rest of you   

AFM - am going away with DH tomorrow for a friend's wedding and leaving my baby for two whole nights      It's the first time I have done it so it will be weird - guess it'll get me in practice for returning to work!! In a way I am kind of looking forward to just having time with DH. Two nights in a posh hotel means   ... TWO NIGHTS OF UNBROKEN SLEEP AND LIE INS!!!!! YIPPEE!!!! (Of course I would rather a lifetime of broken nights sleep and no lie ins and have my LO (+ another hopefully one day?!   ) but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly excited about it!) My parents and sister are coming up to stay at ours and look after F which they are all incredibly excited about so he will love all the attention and I daresay will be unbearable once I return    

Take care and wishing you all lots of luck and love xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Wow Pocket - great weekend coming up for you!    I'm very jealous. 
2 days at work will seem easy after 2 nights away too - it's great timing for you. Don't waste a minute worrying, he'll be having a great time.    Your childminder sounds great too, sounds like it's all worked out perfectly.

Yes, acupuncture will be Monday if necessary, just not what I'd hoped for - but then this cycle has all been a bit like that, so weirdly I'm convincing myself it'll work!    
Really I'm hoping that I can delay ET (assuming we get that far) to Monday anyway. 

Right, I'd better go and find myself a good book to take with me tomorrow.

Hi to everyone.

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Ooh Pocket, I envy you, if my parents had been around to have NG it would have been lovely to get away, but it's OK to admit it will be hard. (And I would put money on your not having a lie in on the second day and dashing back to get your kisses and cuddles!!)


Chris, deep breath and here we go....wishing you luck and fairy dust.     


Loulou and Lyns hope you are both managing this week - at least it's nearly the weekend. 


AFM - suspect I might need virtual cuddles and lots of support this weekend as I think I'm forgetting it normally doesn't matter how positive I am, what a great spin I put on something or how much I want it, if DH isn't interested then he's not open to being convinced and most of the time the light for another baby is permanently on red, although very occasionally I've seen it tinged with amber and I'm clinging to that.  It's great he loves NG so much but I know that another baby will be right for us and if he'd only trust me I will prove it to him. The thing is he knows if he gives me a millimetre that will be it, I'll take it as a yes and the order for OPKs will be completed and the diary populated with dates for BMS!!     in equal measures!!


----------



## Tillypops

Chris, good luck for tomorrow.  Whichever day they plan for just keep thinking positively.

xxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Good luck Chris.

 for you too Katie.

xxx


----------



## Katie4

Good morning chris - good luck sweetie x x x


----------



## chrisgib

Thanks everyone -   

I'm starving already!!

I'll be back on later with all the gruesome details.   

Thanks to you all for your support.

Christine
xxx


----------



## Notty

Chris-Wishing you lots of luck and     for today xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi everyone,

I'm home now, and it's all gone brilliantly - they got 5 eggs which is amazing.    

The staff were all so lovely, despite running about 2 hours late the whole experience was very positive. I'm now lying in bed with tv on, and DH is in charge of DD.

Unfortunately my inlaws didn't have such a good morning with DD who cried the whole time whilst out at the zoo. She's a bit under the weather but she does like a good drama!

Next step is for the lab to phone me on Sunday morning to let me know how many have fertilised. If we're lucky enough, we've opted to have 3 go back, but I am a bit scared that they might all work! Does anyone have any thoughts/experience on this?

Thanks again to you all for your support.

Christine
xxx


----------



## louloumay

That's brilliant Chris, well done.

Go for 3, if you had 2 put back and it didn't work you would always wonder 'what if'. IMO.

But it will work of course!  

xx


----------



## lyns76

Aw brilliant Christine, well done, i will keep everything crossed for you.

I know it can be a worry with multiple pregnancy but if it was me i think i would honestly have three put back.

I am sure whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Very best of luck to you.

Hope everyone is well and keeping their chins up.

As for me, finaly sold our house yipee, so my mind has been filled with thinking of all that we need to get sorted and it has been great to take my mind off the whole IVF thing for a while.  We have also sorted the extra on our mortgage to cover a few goes at treatment so on my follow up in a few weeks i will see if i can get my prescription for a fresh cycle and then hopefully just give them a call once the funds are in.....so eager to get going again.

Hopfully new house, new baby   

Love to you all,

lyns xxxx


----------



## Katie4

What great news all round!!! Lovely start to the weekend. X x x


----------



## lyns76

Aw i feel a little down today,  I know i am a little nutts but i am starting to worry that perhaps i may have immune issues or something.  Does anyone know if that is possible if you have managed to fall pregnant with IVF before??
I am just starting to wonder why after all the good embreos that we have produced and had transferred why have we only managed to get one to implant.
I know i am far from being the only person that has had a good few attempts at treatment but just wish i knew why they wouldnt stick.  I feel i need some answers before i invest in all this bloody money that it costs us.  I just so wish the goverment or somebody would realise how utterly devastating this all is and that they would make it much cheaper,  the money is half the problem.  We have set aside enough for two more fresh cycles so if they dont work i think i may have to accept defeit unless we win the lottery, i just cant justify keep paying all the cost.

ARGGGGHHHH - glad i have let out that little rant - sorry girls, it just sucks!

I am sure i will feel better once we have the follow up.
Sorry to put a downer on our post when there is some good news on here at the mo.

Take care all,

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## tasha_tee

hey, im new to this...im feelin kinda down today...im tasha  im 21 and infertile and have my first fertility appointment the 9th march what happpens?? xxx


----------



## Tillypops

Tasha

Welcome to FF. This part of the site is for ladies who already have children but are trying to conceive another. It is probably not the best place for you to be posting as a new member to the site and to the whole infertility journey.

I see that you have posted in the Introductions area, and this is the perfect place for you to start. You will receive lots of support there and also guidance as to the other areas of the site which will prove most useful to you.

Here is the link back to your post there: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=257589.0 - someone will be along with a big hello soon (the weekends can be a little more quiet than during the week).

Wishing you lots of luck and 

Love
Tilly
xxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi Lyns,   

It is OK to have low days - this IF stuff is so hard to deal with. Don't beat yourself up too much. I'm no expert on the immune things, I'm sure someone else will come along and advise on that bit. 

Judging by your signature you had quite a few BFN's before you got lucky, so I'm guessing it's just an agonising game of waiting to get lucky again - and you will. You're still young and have everything going for you. 

What I keep telling myself is that even people with no IF issues, who conceive naturally - it's only about a 30% chance. It just doesn't feel like that when everywhere you look there are bumps - I then become a judgemental snob and ***** about those who don't 'deserve' it!! (My true colours are showing now!)

I'm sure your follow up appointment will help - it's always good to have a cunning plan. 

Be kind to yourself though. This is a horrible process to go through, so it's understandable to feel crap sometimes.   

Hope you have a good busy day planned today.

Christine
xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Me again,

Sorry this is going to be all me me me.

Just had the call from the lab. Of the 5 eggs, 3 were suitable for ICSI and amazingly 3 have fertilised and are developing normally. So having them put back this afternoon - I can's believe it.   

Still stressing about the '3' thing - but couldn't face the thought of ditching one of those precious embies after all the effort to get them. 

It all feels good today - I've even managed to find an acupuncturist to do pre/post treatment today so it's all going well.

       

Christine
xxx


----------



## Tillypops

Fantastic news Chris - got everything crossed for you.

Tilly
xxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh Chris that is awesome.     


LynS, it's Ok to think about it all, to be frustrated, to want answers. It's normal. I tend to write all my questions down on a draft e-mail ready and filed for when I next need them. 


We had "the chat" last night. There were lots of tears on my side and a sad face on his, we still don't have an answer although there has been a slight movement in that he said a positive for trying again was because he doesn't want me to be so sad. He's got a younger brother but there's 10 years between them so he's essentially a single child and is entirely happy with just NG. It's odd, in all the years we've been together I don't remember him saying we'll only have one. He's going through the whole "we'll have to split our time between the children and is a sibling the right thing to do?" - I've tried to explain why I want another one - mainly because I love NG so much and enjoy being a mummy that I want to do it again and I do think it would be lovely for her to have a brother or sister if we can manage it. He knows I want to start trying in June and that I do feel like I'm dangling at the mo but to be honest it will break my heart if he says he genuinely does not want to try again so I'm also in no rush for him to come to a decision from that point of view, I'd rather live in ignorant bliss. I feel quite    writing it down but hey, I'll be fine. I'll keep planning and hoping and maybe....sorry to be about me x


----------



## chrisgib

Katie - It's great that you've had 'the chat' - puts my relationship to shame, we never talk about anything!  Don't feel down - from what you've said, it sounds quite positive - I'd hang on to that glimmer of hope if I were you.  There are lots of plus sides to just having one, but guess we're all on here as despite all those it's not enough for us. 

He's not wrong for thinking the way he does, but you need to sell him the pluses of siblings, sounds like he's focused on the down sides. I'm one of 5, although a bit like your DH, my next sibling is 9 years older, then 12yrs, 17yrs and 18yrs older - so I too was a bit like an only child for most of my childhood. It's really in the last 10 years that it's proved itself, and as my parents get older we've all got closer and closer. When my parents pass on it will be a real comfort to have each other.

Sorry - I'm sure you've already said all this stuff to him - give him time to digest it -  I so hope   he comes round to your way of thinking. 

He's got time to think before June - and it's great that you've given him that space. Lots of       for you both.

Christine
xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Well, despite spending the weekend with DH I was still checking on you guys seeing how you were all getting on! Thank goodness for iPhones! 

Chris - Soooooo pleased for you! All sounds very promising  Such great news. How are they feeling?! Fingers crossed they are snuggling down in there  I'm all for the '3' option too - the more the merrier - that's what I say    
By the way Chris, I am totally with you on the whole whether individuals 'deserve' to have children thing  Being a teacher in a less than affluent area, I am surrounded by women who 'pop' out children on a very regular basis... and on several occasions I have heard reliable rumours that their reason for falling pregnant again is, for example, to 'have a boy because the council will give me a bigger house as they can't share with my four girls' or another one I heard is after giving birth to five boys, the mother is intending to continue falling pregnant until she has a girl. I find it very hard to curb my anger and resentment at hearing these comments and unfortunately, it is further evidence to support the cliche of 'life isn't fair'. Anyway, I shall stop there before I really start ranting 

Katie - Sounds like the 'chat' did you guys the world of good, even though the outcome might not have been exactly what you wanted. It's always better to air these things, especially as you don't want to end up resenting each other throughout what is an incredibly stressful time. Giving DH time to think sounds like a great idea - especially as these boys tend to need a while to get their head around things 

Lyns - Hope you are feeling better today. You sound just like me - I always worry that something will be wrong with me and will add further obstacles to our hard journey. I had some blood tests done the other day in preparation for our consultation with the clinic and I am petrified that when I call up for the results that they will tell me that there is something wrong with me too. I think it is because we feel that if we try to prepare ourselves for something bad happening, then somehow it won't seem as bad if it does. Ridiculous I know, but I suppose it is some kind of self preservation.

Had a lovely weekend with DH and enjoyed spending time together  but we both really missed our little man! Was great to see him today - now just got to get my head around 'that Sunday feeling' (back to work tomorrow  ) After a year of mat leave, I must admit it's taking some getting used to!!!

By the way, please don't apologise any of you for writing 'me' posts... that is why we are all here - to read/sympathise/empathise/understand each others' experiences so that we don't feel so alone in this difficult IF journey  I for one, would* like* to hear about you, you, you!!! 

Pocket xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi girls,  I really need some of your kind words and support................

Before I start droning on about myself though..............I'm so pleased for you Chris. Try not to worry about the 3 thing, easier said than done I know. I googled myself silly when I had 3 put back but I think it is a gamble well worth taking, I do it again given half the chance. 

Sorry you feel sad Lyns and Katie, It's so easy to swing from positive to negative on this awful journey we've all unfairly found ourselves on.   to you both.

So................god, I feel so rubbish. I'm not coping very well with it all. We've got no money for another try. DP is saying things like 'oh well, we did our best' like it's not even on his radar to have more tix. I feel like it's so unfinished, without going into the details of it all, It seems to me  the clinic were pretty poor and put me on the wrong protocol. It was like I was on a conveyor belt rather than an individual case and they treated me according to my age and AMH instead of how I responded to previous treatment. The upshot of it is, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me before I'd even got started. I tried so hard too, all those supplements, organic food, acupuncture.....

And to top it all, it turns out my sister didn't get pregnant accidentally at all, she just hadn't told her boyfriend she was trying. I can barely look at her and her bump. It's so unfair. I am rapidly running out of time. I can't even talk about it to anyone. Except you guys of course.

Have you all noticed every family on the telly has 2 or more children? That's the 'norm' isn't it. It's in my face every day. How long am I going to feel like this? Is it for ever?   

My poor LO, she's got a crap miserable mother who can't even give her a precious sibling.

I'm sorry to go on so much guys, it's all come pouring out. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself in case you hadn't noticed. I suspect you have.

Sorry to put more of a downer on anyone feeling bad already and sorry if I've brought anyone down that was feeling ok.

Love to all xxx


----------



## sanfrancisco

I've been following these boards for a while and tonight after a few wines I've got the confidence to post.A little bit of my history,married at 33,no gynae,menstrual cycle problems,expecting to be on no3 by now!,diagnosed male factor infertility(devastated).Lucky enough to have a lovely little boy from our 1st IVF (NOT ICSI!)cycle.Now nearly 39,2 failed FET'S and a fresh cycle later,with friends my age popping out no2 and no 3 everywhere ,it is starting to take over my life again.Feeling bitter,depressed,incomplete and as though I should be grateful what what I have.I've tried talking to my friends but being fertile they do not get the point,they think I should be happy and give up trying-I wonder how they would feel being in our shoes!I feel infertility has changed me so much,I hardly recognise myself.Sorry about the ME post but I feel completely alone,even my husband thinks we should give up ,but unlike when I was ttc no1 and it was all about me and my husband,it is now all about ttc for my lovely little boy to have a sibling.Sorry about boring you,but  I feel as though no one understands


----------



## Katie4

Loulou honey,        you are not a crap mother and you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm sorry your other half isn't in the same place either. It makes a hard time even harder. Try not to compare yourself to your sister if you can. What she's done reflects her lack of confidence in her relationship which is sad.


And,  when all is said and done, there is a little niece or nephew of yours on the way and from my experience (my niece is 9 weeks younger than NG and my sis fell pregnant and announced her pregnancy just after mine at a time we weren't close so it felt, not for the first time, that my "moment" had been well and truly stolen) and although it took a while I adore that little girl and she's a huge part of my life now. Also, my sis is pregnant again and I'm so excited now (I think it def helps that we were trying at the same time though - although her announcement did instigate another "chat" in our house and another flood of tears!) Allow yourself to feel the way you do and try to be kind to yourself, you have been through a huge rollercoaster recently and are grieving for the pregnancy you've not had. 


In terms of money for treatment, I wish I had the answer,  perhaps if you and DP had a really honest chat he could suggest something? 


Pocket, glad you had an amazing time away  - did you come back early this morning in the end  I left NG (with DH  ) for the first time in January over night when I went on a hen do and I couldn't wait to come home!!Good luck for work, for me it was totally weird, so much was the same and yet I felt totally different, there for the money so I could be at home the rest of the week....but you do need to hide that just a tad!   Hope your tests come back OK. When do you hear? 


Chris, thanks so much for replying, I'm excited about you being PUPO. Dare I ask when your test date is? (And are we allowed to tell you off if you consider testing early?) It's funny, I hadn't thought of June as giving him breathing space as it's 3 months away so I'm desperate to get him pumped full of vits to maximise our chances from day one of TTC so sperm take about 10-12 weeks to be made so really that would be in the next errr day or so - am pretty sure he'd noticed if I put some crushed "well man" into his dinner! Will have to go on a stealth health kick   


Hi Sanfrancisco - welcome to the thread. I think you are in just the right place. We DO understand. You have summed up exactly where I am. I'm sorry you have had a tough time. 

Thank you all so much for your support. I know I'm in a different boat but you are all really helping me x x x


----------



## chrisgib

Welcome to the madhouse SanFrancisco.   

People seem to think they're being kind by saying we should be happy with our LO's - and of course we are happy with them - but that really doesn't stop the urge for No.2. For me personally, I feel it much stronger now that i really know what it's all about. 

I hope we can help and support you - and as PR said below, no apologising for 'me' posts - it's what we're here for.

Louloumay - where can I start?   I'll start with the fact that you're not a crap miserable mother - OK, so you might be a bit low at the moment, but LO is your world, and you are hers. There's no doubting that we all love our LO's - otherwise we wouldn't be going through all this crap. I know we all have to draw a line somewhere - whether it be for financial or emotional reasons - this is the bit that scares me most. I really feel for you, but never say never. Something will come up I hope.   

Really tough looking at your sister though, especially given the circumstances. I bet she thought you'd be Ok at you already had one. (?) 

I'm expecting to have to face a bump in my family soon too - my niece (10 yrs younger than me) had a baby girl 6 months after me, and is now thinking about No.2 - quite rightly - I kept telling her not to waste time so it's my own fault!

I'm sorry - I'm not helping - but I really want to give you a big hug, and drink a large glass of wine with you.   

Pocket - really glad you had a good weekend away. Good luck with work - wow, grown up conversation and everything - scary!

Christine
xxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi Girls,

Warm welcome to the thread sanfrancisco, sorry you are having a bad time of things too at the moment but as you can see you are not alone, we all feel the same and hopefully we can all help each other a little.
This whole thing has taken over my life again too and just as you said i also hate that i am miserable all of the time.
My close friends care but they just dont understand how it feels as none of them have had fertility issues and i am also surrounded by friends and family that are expecting number two and three.
The thing that helps me along is knowing that i AM a mum and i HAVE experienced feeling the kicks in my belly and going through labour.  At one point i never ever thought that i would experience it and we must remember even though it is not our choice to have only one child we will not be the only women in the world to perhaps only have just the one child.
Sometimes i do wonder if i am just in love with the idea of having a baby rather than another child if that makes sense, i dont mean that in a bad way i just mean that they grow up soooo fast that sometimes its hard to even remember them being little babies.
I so want my son to have a brother or sister but whenever i ask him if he would like one he always says "no, i want a doggy" !!

We all truely know how you feel and you are not alone, we are always here to help each other xx

Thinking of you too louloumay, i feel the same about the norm thing on tv etc and whenever i am out and about i always seem to look to see how many children there are in family's, crap isnt it.  Try not to think that it is def the end of trying, you never know what may be around the corner.  My hubby didnt want us to go through all this again but i did get him to change his mind in the end.  We have just sold our house and should be moving in around 6 to 8 weeks so we have decided to have a little extra on our mortgage to cover treatments. Would you perhaps consider adoption, i think that may be my next route if we cant get it to work again.

I hope everything turns out in the end for you all.

Lyns xxx


----------



## lyns76

Girls i meant to say thanks for all your kind words, i feel bad for doing the me posts all the time, so sorry that i dont get to mention everyones names but you are ALL in my thoughts and you have been such a great help to me.
One min i feel positive and believe that it will work again and the next min i panic and start thinking that i am throwing money away by trying again but i know we all feel like this.

I just so hope things will work out well for us all and a big fingers crossed to all you lovely ladies that are mid treatment, i am preying its good news 

Love ya xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Thanks for your wise words you guys. I feel some relief from being heard and understood. Thanks Katie, for sharing about your sister. It struck a big chord with me in terms of stolen thunder. It's great to know you feel good about your niece too, I have been worried about my feelings of resentment towards my sis and her bump but I am sure I will get over it.

Thanks Chris and lyns for your kindness and advice.

Glad you had a great weekend Pocket. I always hated leaving my LO. She sometimes stays overnight at her grandparents and the house feels so empty without her. I can't imagine what it was like before she came along.

Welcome sanfransisco, as the others have said, we know how you feel. FF is a great source of support and information . This thread in particular has been really invaluable. It's so good to talk to people who understand the mixed up feelings we have from wanting number two so desperately, pain, guilt, anger, resentment - you name it. I hope you can find the same solace that I think we all do using this site.

Love and hugs to you all - thanks again xxx


----------



## Katie4

How's everyone doing today? I'm desperately avoiding the "goody" cupboard, am trying to be good but am finding it hard   NG's been a challenge today!! Lovely in parts of course but then really defiant and cheeky. Lots of naughty corner trips and her fave toy has been confiscated once, it's exhausting!


----------



## chrisgib

Katie - don't be too tough on yourself, after a day like that the goodie cupboard is exactly where you should be!  Just love the 2's - great stage, but truly exhausting.  Do you find the 'naughty corner' works?  Holly just thinks it's hilarious and an easy way to get a cuddle. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.   

How's everyone else?  

AFM, I had my last acupuncture today for this treatment cycle (currently on day 3 of my 2ww). I've been feeling really positive about life and this cycle, so I'm hoping to keep that going. Traditionally I go in to doom and gloom mode for the 2nd week, but will try and avoid that this time.  We've had a really good and busy day today, stops me doing too much thinking.   

 to all of you - especially those who are feeling a bit low.

Christine
x


----------



## PocketRocket

Bloody buggering b*ll?cks - just posted a massive message and lost it all!!!!    

Was just thinking how I must catch up with you guys and then two notification emails came thru on my phone! Must be on the same wavelength ladies   

San Francisco - welcome to the thread    We do all feel the same. We can guarantee that we all totally understand how you feel - we really do.

Chris - so glad you are feeling postive. Keep it up - and keep us informed   

Louloumay - so sorry you are feeling so sad    Sending you lots of hugs    Hope you are coping a little better today. Cry, grieve, wallow in self pity and all thise other shi!*y emotions that come with this horrid journey. You will be ok - I promise.

Katie - hope you are ok too. You were right re: my weekend away - we did get up early and come back home for nig snogs and hugs with the little man! DH had to get up early for work anyway but I have never been so eager to get on the road at 7am   

AFM, I managed to survive my return to work! Wouldn't say I enjoyed it, but it's only for two days so I mustn't complain. Hated leaving F (he was fine though, you understand - no tears, nothing   ) but managed to hold it together all day until I picked him up.. all I could think of was 'I don't know what you've done all day!! I have missed out on 8 hours of your life   ' Don't get me wrong, the childminder was fantastic - texted me throughout the day and keeps a diary to let me know what he has eaten/made/when he has slept etc... but I wanted to know when he had a nappy change, when he smiled, when he needed a cuddle... oh listen to me. Sorry    Fingers crossed it won't be forever   

Got our appt at the clinic a week today    starting to feel a little nervous. Need to call the doctor's to pick up a copy of my blood test results to take with me.. too scared    Will do it soon   

PR xxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Haha - just reread my post... I meant *Big snogs*, not nig snogs!!!


----------



## Katie4

Well done Pocket for making it through those early days at work. I found it really hard, like you, not knowing exactly what NG had done/felt etc all day but you will get used to it. You are lucky that your LO is laid back and didn't cry, NG used to sob  . We are about a year on now and I would say that my feelings about work and nursery fluctuate, when it's all going well and she's well, it's a great balance and allows us to worry less about money, when it's the opposite, I couldn't care less about money and just want her home with me! 

Re the nig snogs I just assumed it was a term you used at home  

In the end I did hit the goody cupboard last night. Ah well, today is another day. That said I've seen the professional photos of me doing a reading at a friend's wedding this morning- OMFG - where did those flabby arms come from?! You would think lifting and carrying a 27lb toddler would tone up your arms - clearly not. Must steer clear of the goody cupboard, must steer clear of the goody cupboard. 

Anyone for a biscuit?!   

Hugs to you all, hope you don't mind the off the topic post!


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Just wondered how you were all doing?   

No news here really - braved it and called the doctor's for my bloods - apparently the results were all 'normal' or 'satisfactory' (I panicked at the 'satisfactory' bit... it made me think 'OMG - why weren't they 'good'?!!   ) but I don't think certain ones ie. female hormone bloods were taken at the right time of the month but we will see if it makes a difference when we meet with the consultant.

Speaking of which, our appointment is on Wednesday... feeling kind of nervous about that now    I went for a session with my acupuncturist and I could see her mind ticking over. She said 'So that means, if you are at the start of your cycle now and your appointment is on Wednesday - well, in theory, you could be starting tx in about three weeks.'   
I actually wet my knickers with fear    - I just can't think past the appointment. I refuse to simply assume that all will be well and we can go ahead as we did last time - even if that is the case   , I am worrying about taking things for granted!! Do you know what I mean?! Or am I just being irrational!?!    Oh well, I guess we shall see what Wednesday brings...

Hmmm, looking back at what I have just typed, I haven't done badly for someone who said they didn't have any news    Talking to you ladies is just so therapeutic   

Lots of Love to you all xxx


----------



## Katie4

Pocket you are bound to be nervous hun. Just get to wed and see what they say. Here's hoping u get the go ahead, but remember you are in charge and can decide when to start treatment. X


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

How are you all my lovelies?!

Pocket - not long to go now til your appointment - are you all sorted with a huge list of questions, or are you playing it by ear?  You're the customer remember, all the choices to be made are yours, but hopefully those choices will match the advice you're given. How's work been going - does it feel like you're never been away?

Katie - How's NG doing today? And the biscuit tin?!

I'm in to the second half of my 2ww now and hating it. Sunday seems so far off to know the real answer. I've felt so positive this time that I'll be quite shocked if it hasn't work, but logic tells me that it probably hasn't, purely on a statistical basis of course  - but if we took any notice of those we'd never bother trying would we! I don't care if it's a one in seven chance, so long as I am the one! In fact putting it like that sounds much better than 15% - hope I've done my maths right.

We've booked to go on holiday on Saturday to St. Ives for a week so will be away over OTD. (sorry if I've already mentioned all this). It will be good to get away, good or bad.

My biscuit tin has taken a real hammering, but I'll worry about that next week. I fell off the weight watchers wagon after about a fortnight. No self control!

Whatever happens, it will nice to think/talk about something other than tx next week - it does take over your life doesn't it. I went to a different class with DD this morning and was completely surrounded by bumps, it was awful. I've been managing to avoid bumps recently so this all came as a bit of a shock. 

Hope you're all OK.   

Christine
xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Chris - sorry to hear you're finding the last part of your 2ww tough  although we all know it is a brutal wait so we can sympathise! I think it's a fab idea that you are going away over your OTD - either way I am sure it will do you the world of good. Have a lovely time  Will you be able to let us know how you get on or will we have to wait until you get back to find out your news?!?!!!!! 

Also, a big  for this morning re: the plethora of bumps you encountered. If it is any consolation, I had another kick in the teeth this morning when (I don't know if you remember me saying that I work as a teacher and am surrounded by those types of women who fall pg it seems every month??) I found out that the woman who I used as an example in an earlier post who keeps falling pg so that the council will give her a bigger house is having her *sixth* child in June - bearing in mind her youngest has only just turned one     It fuels a rage in me like you would not believe. So I do feel your pain 

Speaking of work, it's going ok - thanks for asking  In terms of feeling as though I never left, I'm not actually at that stage yet! I'm actually doing something slightly different until September in that I am tutoring on a 1-2-1 basis rather than having my own class which is very strange but a lot more flexible and laid back than teaching 30 rugrats  Although it does feel slightly alien to not have 'Miss, Miiiiissss' shouted at you every five seconds  Still hate leaving my little man though, esp as he isn't 100% himself at the moment. He always comes back from the childminder so tired - put him to bed at 5.45pm tonight! I look forward to a 4am start then 

Yep - appointment on Wednesday  Mixed feelings about it all really. Anxiety is the main one but if you catch me in a good mood I'm raring to go and keen to jack up asap    

Hope the rest of you girlies are all doing ok xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Hi Chris, it's great to hear you so positive and it's a good idea about the trip. Let's hope you are celebrating     (The biscuit tin and I are not friends, I've been on an eatathon over the last few days. Not sure why....actually I do, stress...bizarrely a close friend's induction and labour has left me quite anxious - kept checking my phone even though I knew it wouldn't happen till today. And now...what is my excuse?! Well I want a baby!   Think I may "do" lent this year and give up all things naughty! I have no willpower but once I start lent I've never broken it (yet) - I'm not especially religious either!)


Pocket, NG was always shattered after nursery in the beginning. He'll get used to it. In September will you be back full time? 


LynS - are you packing and sorting for your big move yet?


Louloumay and Sanfran  



As for bumps, oh yes loads round here too! And I even got a text to say a friend of a friend is pregnant again with her second (she was totally traumatised because they actually had to try this time, it wasn't first month jackpot like with their first....I sound more bitter than I feel...I think!)


----------



## lyns76

Hi girls hope you are all well.

Chris i am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you, keep feeling positive as they do say it helps such a lot, would be sooo nice to see some good news on our thread soon.
I am keeping nice and busy with the sale of our house but daredn't start packing or anything yet incase something happens and it falls through!!! hoping to start sorting a few things next week, there's no chains so hoping it will be nice and quick.
Cant wait for a fresh start !!

Got my hospital appoinment next Thurs and i am armed with questions, cant wait to get going again   

Lyns xxx


----------



## Katie4

Fantastic lyns. That's great news all round.


----------



## louloumay

Hi girls, sorry I haven't been posting much lately, I've been a bit over emotional - I know you understand. I've been keeping an eye on you though!

Christine, the second week is the hardest isn't it? - great idea to go away, it'll keep you occupied all week writing a gazillion lists of things to remember and what to pack (or is that just me?).

Pocket, Grrrrrr, got the rage with you. Not fair [stamping foot a la 3 year old]. I am currently avoiding my pg sis like the plague, it's my nephews birthday on Thursday though, so I'll have to brave it .

Katie, I've been raiding my dd's stash of chocolate 'bitey treats' (bless her) all week, haven't got any biscuits in the house thank goodness. Good luck for lent, I don't think I'll bother, mmmmm chocolate.

Lyns, how exciting! It's great moving and having a good old clear out. I find it most cathartic. I'm sure you will feel rejuvenated and ready for pastures new! Good luck for Thursday.

AFM going to see my GP on Wednesday to beg for nhs funding for IVF drugs, I don't hold out much hope but it is worth a try. If he says yes there is a slim chance we may try again. I'm still struggling through the tears but keep reminding myself of something someone said on another thread - she said the difference between having one child and no child is huge. It really helped me get things in perspective.

Love to all xxx


----------



## lyns76

Good on you louloumay, thats what i keep thinking, however bad we feel at the moment we have been in darker places.  i can always remember wondering if i would ever get to be a mum and it scared me to death, but hey we are mummys now and that will never change and we have wonderful children to show for the hard work.  What we should try and think is that having more would just be a bonus.

Chin up sweetheart, i am sure everything will work out for you

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

You are right, we are so very lucky - and it's Ok for all of us to say we're lucky to have our LO's - it's still just annoying when other people tell us how luck we are, especially when they've got a whole brood.   
I too remember that feeling of 'will I ever be a mummy', and if someone had offered me 'just one' as the final deal, I'd have jumped at the chance. I know at some point soon I will have to deal with the fact that we might not have any more, and move on. 

There again, I might have triplets.   (Just the thought scares me to death!)

Lyns - have you got a date for moving now? Are you staying local to where you are now?

Louloumay - good luck with the Dr. It's definitely worth asking. I tried at the beginning of my journey, but they'd only pay for the initial tests, but even those add up in price so I'm not complaining.

Katie - how are you? Had to smile when reading about your friend who had to 'try' to get pregnant - it's such an alien concept to all these people!

Pocket - What age will you be teaching in September?  Did you get the 4am wake up call?  It's a huge change for all of you, but I think it sounds really positive how it's going so far.

My DD isn't well today, but thankfully she sleeps lots when she's ill. She was sick last night so was up between 8.30 and 1030 but then slept til 10am, and then was asleep again between 1pm and 4pm - I've been twiddling my thumbs all day. Poor mite though, she's got no energy. Just a tummy bug I think. She's just come in with a box of 'sweeties' though so she can't be that ill.   

I like the idea of writing lists for the holiday planning, but I tend to just pack whatever's clean, so I never look at the list! Feel much easier now that I'm not having to take a travel cot and high chair. These are now replaced with a scooter and a bike!   

I'd better go and look busy now before DH gets home. 

Hugs to you all.   

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Good Luck Loulou for your appointment. My brow gets furrowed just thinking about speaking to my GP about fert treatment so I hope yours is more empathetic and handles your request nicely. 

Chris - I hope your LO is on the mend and will be all bouncy for her holidays. How are you feeling? Analysing every twinge? 

Pocket, how was yesterday's appointment  

LynS only a week till your next appointment. How many sides of A4 do you have with questions written on? (I remember my consultant looking alarmed when I pulled out my sheets! I know I definitely went on both sides of one sheet!  )

AFM.....there's an elephant (or should I say a baby elephant) in the room in our house - after a huge argument on Tuesday we are tiptoeing round one another and actively avoiding talking about ttc again. DH knows all to well what this means to me. Let's hope a miracle happens and he changes his mind (then the real hard work can begin!)


----------



## chrisgib

Katie -   Send your DH round here and we'll tell him what for!! It's such a shame it takes two! Is it the finance that's really holding him back? or the worry about getting on that emotional rollercoaster again? I so hope you can talk him round. They sometimes just need a bit of logic thrown at them, but guessing you've tried all that. How about just getting him to agree to an initial/planning appointment at the clinic to see what they say? Or is that a bit devious?! Guess you need to talk about the elephant at some point, as it probably won't fit underneath the carpet.   

Pocket - have been thinking of you - how did it go?

I've now spent nearly a year on this treatment journey again though and whilst I don't think DD has suffered as a result of it, I know it has affected me. I've been doing more early tests and it definitely looks negative again. I was so convinced it was going to work this time, it just makes me cross.

On top of everything, mid DD tantrum this morning in a cafe having lunch, I got a text from my friend saying she'd had her baby boy this morning. It was the last straw and I was in floods of tears. Everyone in this cafe must have thought I was this awful mother with a child refusing to eat anything and her screaming and me crying!  Sounds quite funny in hindsight.    

I was expecting the text as she was having a C-Section - yet I was still shocked and I felt a bit cross that she had a boy. I've had 3 treatments in the last 12 months and during each 2ww one of my NCT friends has had a baby, and always the opposite sex to the last - so they've now all got these 'perfect' families. God I sound bitter, but I think you all know what I mean.  They're all so lovely and supportive to me, but I know they're all feeling sorry for me and I hate their pity. 

Sorry for my rant - guess you might get a few days of this now, I have to look all positive to everyone else!

Christine
xxxx


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## lyns76

Oh bless you christine, i know how you fell.

My neighbour is expecting her second which is painfull for me as we had our boys two weeks apart and shared all the new baby stuff and baby clubs etc and she is expecting a girl which also hit me for six.  i honestly am not one bit bothered about what sex i had, just really want another to feel 'normal' and like you said its just the thought that she now will have the 'perfect' family.

Sounds very harsh and i feel bad but i am glad that we will have moved before the new baby comes just so that it doesnt feel like it is being shoved in my face.

I really really hope that the tests turn to positive in the next few days and YES it can change even on test date.

Wish i could wave a magic wand for us all  xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Just a quick post to send you some    and        Chris.
xxxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Thanks Louloumay - all gratefully received and needed!!

Another negative this morning. Need something close to a miracle now.   But miracles do happen!  

Lyns - glad you're moving before their baby arrives. With a bit of luck you'll get new house, new baby.   

Hi to you all, you really are a brilliant bunch.   

Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

Now Chris, I thought your test date was over the weekend?! If so, please stop torturing yourself and try to hold out for a few more hours, I know it's so hard and am about to totally contradict myself...what sort of tests are you using? I used a cheapy boots one when I tested with NG as i didn't want to "waste" an expensive one and then only got the faintest line because they aren't as sensitive but Clearblue gave me a much more definite result...so could it be that?

Lyns - it is hard   but you will be in your new house before you know it with a little money set aside to spend on blood tests, scans and drugs  

Loulou, hope you are OK and Pocket, we are all thinking about you hun. 

AFM - we were on the waiting list for ICSI and were about to start clomid (more to fill in time than anything else) and had a natural shock BFP so treatment doesn't even register on his radar as he thinks it would be that straightforward    (despite my pointing out that the fertility nurse genuinely said, so how have you done this then?! Comically, the first due date I got meant I conceived whilst at a conference   (It was later adjusted). So for him treatment isn't even an option (in my mind we'll agree to try naturally and then I'll sort out treatment). In his words, he's totally content and happy with just one and can't understand my desire for another.    OMG and yesterday NG was in the bathroom and turned to me and said "Mummy baby" and started to lift my top to look for my baby bump. Heart breaker or what?! (My sis, good friend and a nursery nurse are all pregnant so she thinks Mummies and Daddies all have baby bumps - bless her!)


----------



## chrisgib

Ok - I'm suitably scolded!  I know I'm bad, but I find it the only way to prepare myself for the worst. Until Wednesday, i was just using cheapy Amazon tests, but since then I've used a combination of clearblue, and the 6 day early First Response ones. I've got a load of clearblue ones to use on Sunday but at least I can start dealing with what the answer will probably be. I know it seems a bit mad, and all my friends think it's death by a 1000 cuts, but I'd rather that than building up my hopes this week and then being cut down on test day. But still, despite my excuses - it's naughty I know!   

Thankfully Holly has been 'dream toddler' this morning, such a contrast to yesterday. Still not eating much but I'm beyond caring. She's living on jelly!

Ah, bless NG. They say the sweetest things, and in such innocence. Holly was happy when I took a teddy from under my jumper though!

Right - I must go and start packing. Or maybe a cup of tea first...!

love to you all.

Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

We all have our coping strategies    - glad you took it how I meant it         And lucky you with H being so good. She'll eat when she's ready so jelly in the interim is fine    . I, meanwhile, have had to discuss time out with nursery staff this morning as she's going through that intermittent boystrous stage (in other words being a typical defiant two year old!). She's not been in time out there yet (but I did have to put her in my own instantly created naughty corner as she wouldn't leave yesterday and then pulled my hair when I picked her up  ).

Have followed my own advice today and been for a treatment you can't have whilst pregnant - microdermabrasion. Was lovely! Not exactly relaxing but nice to lie there and have all the dead skin removed from my face!   My skin does feel a bit sandy at the mo from the crystals but I'm expecting it to be all peachy tomorrow! Now, I need to have my back done (thanks to PCOS spots) it's £48 a go,  and I've already committed to my next session (so am def spending £100) but if I book a series of treatments next week I can have all 10 for £307.50 and they will take off this week's and next week's fees too. Now I might only need 2 in each area or I might need 5.....what would you do? it's such a lot of money but part of me (the rebelious 2 year old) thinks I should go for all 10, I only spend money on my hair cuts which are every 10-12 weeks and not expensive, I don't have pedis or manis, Dh has been skiing for a week this season.... should I just do it?!


----------



## chrisgib

Definitely - don't focus on how much you're spending, but how much you're saving by booking a block! 
Worth every penny if you're happy with the results. Will DH ask how much it costs?  Not sure my DH would. Like you I don't spend much on 'maintenance' - he probably wishes I spent a bit more!

Sorry only a quickie, Holly has decided on to have a short nap today, just when I had loads of stuff to do. Thank Goodness for CBeebies!

We use the naughty step too - and often have to do it in public places like restaurants. Not sure it really works on her though, she seems to like the attention and the hug at the end. This morning I did talk to her about how good she'd been and how it meant that we'd both had a lovely morning - think she thought I was up to something though!

Christine
xx


----------



## louloumay

Oh Chris, it's such a big pile of poo that your tests are negative. Especially after feeling so positive. I'm naughty too re testing early, ikwym about letting yourself down gently. Miracles DO happen though, you might have a late snuggler. I'm not sure if it helps to think that though, there can be a tendency not to accept the reality of it (for me, no singing fat ladies until AF comes and even then I'm not convinced). You seem fairly reconciled with it? Or is that another coping mechanism? Sending you plenty of    and    nonetheless.

Katie, I am surprised at your DH's mind set. My failsafe argument is that our LO will have to bear the burden of aging decrepit parents alone. Does that not work on him? As for the pampering, go for it!! I justify my £60 haircuts with the same 'I don't spend money on anything else' reasoning.

Hope you have a nice distracting time when you are away Chris.

Love to all
xxxxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls!

So sorry I haven't posted for a while - it's been one of those weeks    F has been teething (he is a typical bloke and really milks this teething malarky   ), I haven't been well and DH has been at home all week, which is quite nice but I find that sometimes that can be quite hard work    (you know what these men are like!) I have been reading though    but thought I would wait until I got to my laptop to write a proper post rather than try to do it on my phone which I always find frustrating   

So here I am anyway   

Chris - so sorry to hear that you have been testing negatives    although you are a pickle for testing before OTD    But to be honest, I can see your reasons for doing it. Esp if you are going to be away for OTD... I can imagine I would want to know beforehand so that I could get into the right frame of mind - IYKWIM?! Sending lots of    your way though and I shall be hoping and praying for that miracle you mentioned    PS - Your post about sobbing in the cafe whilst DD was having a tantrum made me smile in a sympathetic way... I can just imagine me doing something like that too!!   

Katie -   I think your DH needs to spend a few hours in a room with everyone on this thread    Reckon that'd change his mind    By the way - def go ahead and book that course of treatment.. us yummy mummies need to live up to our name!!!

Lyns - Glad to hear the move is going to plan    As you say, fresh start - it can only be a good thing   

Louloumay -   Have you seen the GP re: funding for drugs yet? My DH asked our GP about that when he went for his blood tests and they said it was either NHS or private... they wouldn't help us out with any   

AFM - our appointment went - well, quickly?! And well?!!    It was very strange being back at the clinic actually.. we took F with us and it was amazing to think that he was 'made' there?! Conceived in a room about 5 metres from where we were sat?! And there we were, chasing him round the waiting room! DH and I were saying that as much as we hate having to go through the IVF process in order to have children, it certainly makes you more aware and appreciative of how our little miracles are made - something those people who are lucky enough to fall pg naturally just don't understand.. I think anyway!   

We saw the consultant who 'sorted' us out last time    (does anyone else think 'OMG, you have seen parts of me that only my DH has?!!!' (until I gave birth, that is   )) and he had a lovely chat with us about F, his delivery, etc and had a look through my recent set of bloods and basically said that we can start whenever we want?!    I kind of didn't really think that he would say that.. I know that sounds silly but I thought it might be a bit more drawn out than a quick 20 min consultation!? DH said that he knew it would be straightforward and came out unphased as it was what he expected but because I hadn't thought about the outcome at all, I was a bit 'OMG, really?!' Does that make any sense?!    So I reckon we might start next month    which I do want to do, but I am just getting used to the idea of going through that huge emotional rollercoaster again!! IYKWIM. I am hoping that although it will be stressful that LO will help to take my mind off things as he is becoming a right little monkey    - obviously our first cycle I didn't have any real distractions and could think of nothing else - being on my 6 week summer holiday with DH away for 2 weeks of it didn't help!!

So, yeah - that's it really?! Our parents and friends who know we went have responded with 'Wow! How exciting - go for it!' which is really supportive, but I am so frightened of feeling positive as I always think that it tempts fate and that we are setting ourselves up for a fall. Does that sound silly?!

Thanks for reading all that - I've been waiting to talk to you guys and get that all off my chest   

Lots of Love to you all xxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Ah Pocket - I love your lovely long posts.   

So so glad that your appointment went well - quick and no complications = great - although i know what you mean about not believing it. It's almost like it becomes a bit of an anti-climax if it goes too smoothly - we're used to the more rocky ride!  But smooth is good - so listen to your friends and go for it!

Thanks for your kinds words about me. I was just about to do a vote on the polling thread to see how many people get a BFP despite earlier BFN's - not giving up just yet - all those tests must be wrong.   

So then, your head sounds in a good place to start treatment. Really hope you get lucky first time.   

Take care.

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Chris- just wanted to wish you luck for today. X 

Pocket- fantastic news about your appointment. What does that mean in terms of time scales? 

Loulou - is your gp appointment this week? 

Lyns- I'm envisaging you being ruthless whilst getting ready to pack up and move ;-) 

Had a lovely day yesterday. Thanks to ng asking to play in thr garden we all went out there for a couple of hours and I did some weeding, dh mended his bike and tidied the garage - it was fab but if you'd told us that we'd be out there doing jobs in advance we would have wrinkled our noses at the thought ! I think spring is on the way- not sure why but I feel like I need it this year!


----------



## PocketRocket

Chris - fingers crossed for you today   

Katie - totally with you on the Spring front! A bit of sunshine does everyone the world of good    Re: our tx... I basically have to give them a call when my next period starts and make an appointment for around day 18ish of my cycle and then, all being well, I assume the bucket load of drugs will be ordered and delivered and I start downregging on Day 21   

Lots of Love to you all - hope everyone is ok xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

Thanks to you all for all your    - it seems to have worked! All those tests were wrong - I'm going to demand my money back. 

Last night I started to get some bleeding so I just assumed that AF was on the way so really there wasn't much point testing this morning. Anyway, as a test addict, I tested anyway and it's a







(always wanted to use that!!)

I'm still bleeding (was brown blood but now red - sorry if TMI!), so trying to take it really easy so have been lying on the beach all day in the sun. I've done 2 clearblue tests today - and both positive (1-2 weeks).

After my experience last year I'm really trying to not to get too excited, but equally trying to enjoy the moment. I've been on the phone to the clinic who are arranging some extra pessaries for me, lucky me. I just hope that this bleeding doesn't progress in to full blown AF.

Realistically, I'll be amazed if this progresses, but I'm happy just to have got to this stage, it's another hurdle crossed, yet so many more to go, it really is a case of just taking one day at a time.

Thanks to you all for so much support. I'll be in touch again soon when I'm back from my holidays.



Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

Chris that is amazing news. When i saw you had posted I got all goosebumpy. Am so very very happy and hope your beanie(s!) stick tight. Have a truly wonderful week 

Ps am I allowed to say I told you so about the early tests now?! ;-)

Lots of hugs x x


----------



## chrisgib

Ha ha!! I always knew you were right Katie!!


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## PocketRocket

WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, that is so good to hear!!! It's made my day :0) Glad to hear you're resting up - that little miracle needs to snuggle down tight in there! You have such a fantastic attitude to all of this... You so deserve a happy ending. Keep us informed - you know we'll be here whatever the outcome ;0)

Hi Katie :0) hope you're ok. And hear hear on the early testing comment!!!!! Hehe ;0)

Lots of Love and prayers xxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Oh Chris, my heart skipped a beat when I read that! WOW!!!!
Well done you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phew!!!!!!!!!!

stupid wrong tests!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Hope the bleeding has calmed down and you start to feel sick and exhausted with sore (.)(.) very soon (first the I told u so comment now I'm wishing you tired and nauseous - I make a terrific friend?! Lol)

Pocket - wow, so, do you think u will go for it from this cycle? Would that work better in terms of work with ec being sometime in the Easter hols? 


Ooh best go there's some shuffling noises coming from ngs bedroom!


----------



## louloumay

Just a quickie to send you a bit more   and some    Chris, hope all is still well!

Oh, and thanks for asking Katie, I saw the doc and he was very kind and understanding (I burst into tears the second I got in there, poor man) and he is going to discuss it with the partners and pharmacy budget woman and let me know on Friday. Fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up too much.

Excited for you Pocket, hope you'll be our next BFP!! 

Love to all

xxx


----------



## Katie4

Loulou, how lovely of your gp to be so nice - I mentioned to mine about ttc and at the time I was under the impression u could get clomid and iui for free 2nd time round(because a friend who had her baby last week had clomid on an nhs prescription while she waited to get her fert club referral)  but not ivf - she put me straight in no uncertain terms saying I'd have to pay for everything other than the investigations because of ng. She was right (I checked with our clinic, it's just the way she said it, really thoughtlessly.) 

Anyway, here's hoping there's a little cash left in this years budget that needs spending on you x


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Lyns, I thought carefully about which GP to ask, ours is a big practice so they hold their own budget I think. I went to the partner that has been there the longest knowing him to be a kind man. My reasoning was also that as he holds a lot of leverage in the practice, my sob story would be better coming from him in terms of getting the other partners on side. He said that if they agreed  it would be a one off, so that is not a 'no', but I'm still quite doubtful given the economic climate and my age. I'm glad I asked though.

Hope you are well, how is the move going?

xx


----------



## Tillypops

Fantastic news Chris!!  Congratulations!

Tilly
xxxx


----------



## lyns76

Yeh woohoo , way to go Chris, so glad its a BFP.
Try and have a nice rest and i am sure you will be just fine and that the babba's are snuggling in.

You could well end up with 4 children !!!!!!!

So nice to hear some great news to remind us all that it can and does work again xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As for me soooooo shattered with sorting all the house out ready for the move, all's going to plan so we should be moving in around 4 wks !!!! feels a little sad in a way cause we've been through so much whilst living here with many ups and downs but i just know the fresh start will do us good.

Excited and scared about hospital on Thurs, hoping that i will be given the go ahaed to start as soon as i want!!!
Anyone had experience with the short protocol rather than the long

Love as always,

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone   

Chris - hope all is still ok with you and there's some serious snuggling going on   

Lyns - glad to hear the move is going well! It's been years since I moved house but I recall it being quite stressful    so good luck to you! Good luck also for your hospital appointment on Thursday. Let us know how you get on   

Katie - hope you are well. Yes, I think we will go for tx next cycle    so psyching myself up for it now! Feeling quite excited and positive about it all which worries me?!    I feel that I need to be anxious/worried/stressed instead?! But not to worry, I'm sure it won't be long before those emotions take over   

Louloumay - your GP sounds lovely. Mine went on maternity leave shortly after I had F and I am missing her dreadfully! Really hope you get the answer you deserve re: the drugs. I hope you are bearing up and feeling a little more positive   

AFM, no news really - had a rubbish day at work    had forgotten all the politics and s?!t that comes with work   

Sending you all lots of Love xxx


----------



## Katie4

Ooh good choice of GP Loulou. Fingers and toes crossed. x


LynS - we moved 20 months ago - it's a long hard slog! I was v emotional early on on the move day but by 10 just desperately wanted to be in my new home  


Chris, hoping you are having a lovely hol and everything is looking good. 


Pocket, that is exciting. And shame about the politics. Here's hoping you are far too busy thinking about your next mat leave x


----------



## Katie4

Miserable me post, please ignore. I just need to see it in black and white. 

ooh I am just miserable today - am sure it's PMT (actually I'm hopeful that it is, I'm on day 33 and if it's not PMT then I'll be even more fed up as it's another sign of my useless ovaries/other reproductive bits. Seriously, how hard can it be to have regular cycles    grumpy grumpy grumpy! Sorry girls. I lay in bed last night counting back the weeks till my D-day for ttc (1st June) and kept thinking that DH should be starting to think about improving his count now. Don't get me wrong, nothing has changed, I've had not even a whisper of a chance he will change his mind but if he does and we've lost 3 months because he's not bothered to do something now I'll be angry (but prob over the moon regardless). Also have a lot going on at the mo as my best friend is moving to NZ in 3 weeks and she was over last night. I'm so sad as I know it means I won't get to see her get married or pregnant or meet her baby until she comes back for a visit. 

Woe is me today!   For goodness sake, I need to pull myself together! I'm in a worse state as I've given up chocolates and biscuits for lent. It's been 7 days today.....and Easter Sunday is 24th April. Hmmm.Would a hot choc count as breaking lent?!  

Hope you are all in much better spirits than me.


----------



## louloumay

Oh your poor thing Katie, please stop telling yourself to pull yourself together when you, clearly, are unable to. PMT is awful, I think it is akin to having a  temporary mental health problem. You can't see things 'as they are' because you haven't got a 'spare' consciousness with which to see it. Just remember you will feel normal again soon (whatever normal is) and be able to rationalise as well as you usually do - which is very successfully Katie, from what I know of you in our virtual reality.

I really feel for you losing your BF to NZ, that must really hurt. I had a good friend move to Australia, how dare she abandon me to live her own life? There is always Skype and ********, but it's not the same. But just think of the lovely holidays you'll have with her in NZ. Better start saving.

As for DH, perhaps you could start crushing up vitamins and lacing his dinner with them?  . 

Have a hot chocolate for goodness sake!


----------



## louloumay

oh, and you're not allowed to be cross with your body either. It gave you your beautiful LO didn't it?


----------



## louloumay

Sorry, didn't mean for that to sound so bossy   Hope you ykwim.


----------



## Katie4

Loulou you are just what I needed!!! Thank you   And yes, you are 110% correct, if it weren't for my dappy body I wouldn't have NG so am I sorry for shouting at it (virtually) and be disappointed in it (literally). Love the concept of lacing DH's food. I'm already taking a keen interest in what is being eaten at work   and he barely drinks, doesn't smoke, doesn't have long hot baths, doesn't cycle to work etc. so I suppose I should lay off. Especially as said best friend is now staying over with her fella tonight (not ideal on a "school night" but hey ho, she won't be doing it again for a long long time!) And let's not forget there's a good chance I won't be getting to TTC again so will have to stop worrying then about his sperm!

How are you hun? You sound chipper. x


----------



## Katie4

BTW I think DH would agree with you about your definition of PMT


----------



## louloumay

Sorry for asking a personal question Katie, but do you have time on your side in terms of egg age? If you have, your DH may well change his mind  when the memory of sleepless nights has faded a bit more. Our LO's grow up so fast he may start getting broody and want to experience it all again when ng is older. Keep chipping away, don't give up.

I'm ok (today! ) thanks for asking, I've just made a tent for DD in the garden out of chairs and blankets and am being ordered to go and have a picnic in it 'RIGHT NOW' with Belinda (doll) and Floppy ears (toy rabbit). Better go.

Take care poppet xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,
Thanks to you all for your lovely comments and      vibes. I'm still bleeding, red now, but it seems to be reducing a bit. I've just started on the pessaries again too. I did another two tests this morning, still positive, so trying to stay hopeful. I'm really really tired though, and having the afternoons 'off' while DH takes Holly out to play on the beach. So only online briefly and then going home to bed.

Katie -   . It's awful when you feel possessed by the dreaded PMT. I find I really have to speak to no-one as I just can't trust myself. I'm sure your DH has barely noticed! As for your DH preparing himself, really he has to take responsibility for that himself, you can't make him. I couldn't even get my DH to take a vitamin tablet - I gave up in the end and weirdly this time we got 100% fertilisation rate which is better than ever. There's no logic to it I don't think. I'm with louloumay too - have a hot chocolate - quickly. (My dad gives up cake for lent, but his logic was that if it had custard on it, it became a pudding and not a cake!)

Louloumay - your den in the garden sounds fab - can we all come round and play? It's great to see you being bossy - we all need a good talking to.   Your GP sounds amazing, good choice.

Pocket - how are you hun? Politics at work sounds hideous, so easy to get caught up in it all and so unproductive. 

Lyns - so hope the moves goes smoothly for you. Are you getting people in to pack/move you? Weirdly I love moving house, but think it's the house hunting bit I enjoy rather than the actual move. In fact I think the thought of cleaning the oven now would put me off altogether!  Good luck at your appointment on Thursday.     

Right - I really must go - only got an hour left now before they get home!

love to you all, 

Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

Chris, thank goodness the bleeding is lessening and surely it's a really good sign that you are so tired- a girl on another thread I know did a test because she practicalit fell asleep talking to someone and discovered she was preg- but she had no idea how far along because of her cycle so they scanned her - she was only just pregnant - so take it as a fab sign  am loving your dads theory about custard cake and pudding! Ive been strict in terms of biscuits and choc but am still happily eating pastries ice-cream and cake! 

Louloumay - you are welcome to ask my age- I'm 33 this year so I do have some time on my side And know I'm lucky in that respect, I suppose I expect it to take years to get pregnant so want to start asap. Also I just can't imagine this issue of me wanting another and him not  continuing between dh and I for another 5 years! I am smiling as I type this though imagining me losing the plot one day and hurling vitamins at him - am pretty sure that would make him want a baby with me! 

Pocket and Lyns- hope you've had nice days packing and working ?  Pocket how is your lo getting on with the childminder? 

Oh- af finally arrived this morning whilst we were out and about. I feel so much better and so grateful I wore black jeans! 

Can't tell you how much I am getting ou of this thread girls - thank you
For being fab and keeping me sane! X


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi ladies,

Just a quickie as got lots to do (been a 'lady wot lunches' today for a treat and it's taken the whole day   ) but just to say hi.

Chris - so glad all is going as well as it can be. I think it is fate that you were on holiday during OTD.. if you were at home I bet you wouldn't be resting as much.. there's always too much to be getting on with, isn't there?! Thinking of you lots and hoping and praying   

Katie - glad you're feeling better re: PMT! I am a sufferer too although since having F I am slightly less psychotic and a lot more tearful        It's amazing how hormones take over you isn't it? And even though you know you are being ridiculously moody you can't help it!! (something DH NEVER understands - 'If you know you're being like it, then why don't you stop it?'   )

Louloumay - Hope you are ok   

Lyns - hope you're looking forward to your fresh start   

AFM, work is ok but still pants that I have to go.. just what to be a stay-at-home mummy surrounded by a whole brood of kids    F is getting on brilliantly with the childminder though and doesn't blink an eyelid when I leave or arrive    We've had a lovely day together today.. he's such a good boy and I love him so much   

Keep thinking about tx -keep wondering if I am ready for it all again?!! Should I be thinking like that?! Am I ready but just scared of it going wrong?    I've been thinking about having another since LO was 8 weeks old so I am guessing that maybe I am!?!!? Hark at me, I am going   

Right, washing is calling me    so I had best go - thanks for being there ladies - I agree witho you Katie... this thread is a life-saver!!!!!!

PR xxxx


----------



## Katie4

What a fantastic day Pocket. NG and I have been ladies wot lunch too!   And I do know what you mean about wanting another, even when I was sleep deprived and still on painkillers (I had a vile recovery from labour and was sore for over 11 weeks  ) I still wanted another. 


Glad F loves the childminder.


Night night girls x


----------



## lyns76

Hi lovelies, hope you're all well.

Chris, great news the bleeding is slowing down, it is a worry but very common from what i have seen and read so i am sure you will be just fine hunny, enjoy your break.

Pocket, i can totaly understand the apprehension about starting tx again, i feel the same, i think its the emotions that come with it along with the bloody cost and obviously the sh*tty tww but all we can do is try,    that it works for you.

Katie, i did laugh at your post about hurling vit tablets at your hubby, i get so frustrated with mine at times that i could hurl a bloody brick at him!! he drinks, smokes, has long hot baths and rides his vespa to work everyday!! although he has promised to stop smoking on 1st April.....better not be an Aprils fools day joke.  Funily enough his sperm count was better when he smoked than it was when he had stopped for 6 months but maybe the stress of stopping didnt help!!

Loulou, hope you are well matey and that things progress for you.  My GP is lovely and has offered to give me Clomid which i can get for free as i am prescription charge exempt as i have an under active thyroid.  She has said that she will give me a prescription just to see if it makes me more fertile but she has said that it prob wont help because even though i may produce more eggs the chances of hubbies swimmers finding them are still slim because of his count/motility but i mat still give it a go whilst we wait for the next ICSI.  I am sure things will work out just fine for you.

Tilly, how are things with you?? good i hope x

Sorry if i have missed anyone out, i have to keep looking back to remember everyones stages, i have a dire memory !!  obviously its my mummy head te he.

Having a few days off from packing etc as hubby has been working away so completely shattered and i cant sleep at night with everything going round in my head.  I keep going from thinking about treatment to thinking about what we need to get sorted for the move to thinking about colour schemes for the new house.....slowly going mad   
Hospital tomorrow afternoon, feel nervous but i need to get some things answered, i am starting to worry that i may have fertility issues too, cant help but wonder why i have had so many good embreos implanted but only managed one pregnancy or is it actually just a numbers game??!!!!

Love to you all,
Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi everyone, I need a bit of a pick-me-up from you guys today. I'm feeling pretty flat. Bit premenstrual of course.

My GP didn't ring yesterday, I don't know whether I should take that as a bad sign or not. Should I chase him up on Monday? I don't know. I'm really in two minds about more tx anyway. I'm feeling no excitement about the prospect like i usually do. I just feel guilty about the money, and I know some people in my life disapprove and think I should just count my blessings and blah blah blah...........that old chestnut, eh girls? 

Hope you are all a bit perkier than me.

Lyns, I forgot to say, I did a short protocol, it's great not down regging but I had to do two lots of injections while stimming. It was ok though. A bit cheaper for the drugs too, which is always a bonus. How is the packing and colour scheming going? 

Christine, I'm hoping no news is good news. Has the bleeding stopped? God, I hope so, although I had a massive bleed at 6 weeks with my LO and felt sure that was it, so it doesn't always have any bearing on the outcome    

Hope you are  feeling ok Katie, and still chipping away at DH!  

Pocket, hope work is better. When are you starting tx again? Soon isn't it?

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Just a quick one whilst DH is bathing a very tired LO! 

Lyns - how did your appointment go? I hope you've managed to get a better nights sleep. Having a busy head is horrid :0(

louloumay - definitely give your doctor a call on Monday. I can understand your apprehension about future tx. I also understand the £ side of things too! I'm much more conscious of money this time around as I'm only working part time and if this cycle doesn't work.. I don't really know what we will do to be honest. Still, let's cross that bridge when we come to it. IF we come to it?!!?!!!?!

Katie - how are you doing?

Chris - thinking of you... Do let us know how you are when you're able to get to a computer.

AFM, a day of mixed emotions! Went to visit my friend who gave birth to a little girl two weeks ago... If I said I wasn't sure I was ready for another lot of tx last week.. I've changed my mind this week!! As I picked her up for a cuddle my uterus went into spasm!!!! My LO was being so cute and entertaining everyone, I just thought 'I NEED to have another baby... And SOON!' Our other friend who came along too seemed very quiet and my Pregnancy Radar went into overdrive but I kept it to myself and passed it off as paranoia, but she told us she was 6 weeks pg!! I am genuinely excited for her as she will make a great mummy, as her husband will make a great daddy, but that 'Green-eyed Monster who flares up when people conceive naturally so Quickly' did flare up ;0) (especially as she only got married four weeks ago!) 

I think I just put more pressure on myself about this next cycle after today really. But I will take a positive out of it - it made me realise that I definitely am ready for this next lot of tx. My period should be due at the very beginning of next month or thereabouts (been suffering from bad ovulation pains this week - I swear they felt worse today once I was around the baby!) so I guess I'll be starting towards the end of April if all goes to plan.

Sorry if any of the above doesn't make sense - been trying to type in the dark on my phone (F gas discovered how to turn off plug sicker switches).

Lots of love to you all :0)

Pocket xxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

That last sentence was of course supposed to say F Has learnt how to turn off plug SOCKET switches. ;0)


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all, 

I'm back. Wow, you girls can chat - I've only turned my back for 2 mins and there's pages of it!  I've had a lovely week in St.Ives - weather was great and we had lots of fun on the beach. 

Pocket - your post sounds so positive about you and starting treatment. Lots of anxt to get to this place but it sounds like you've reconciled the pros and cons and are ready to get on the ride. I really really hope it all goes to plan. 

Louloumay - I echo Pocket here - definitely call the dr on Monday. The money is always a worry, but keep focused on the prize. Money has a way of sorting itself out in the end - somehow. If it's any comfort, I wasn't excited about this cycle at all, in fact I was really cross at the beginning as they were making me d/r for so long. I was going to postpone it to another month when I was feeling more positive and had more energy, and had lost weight etc etc. There's never a good time to put your life on hold.  I'm obviously glad now I just got on with it.

Lyns - hope the appointment went well. I'm no expert but I do believe it is a numbers game, and just down to luck in the end - of course we all have to make our own luck to an extent by choosing the best tx etc, but the last and most critical bit of the cycle is uncontrollable. Remember even naturally, with no issues, it's only about a 30% chance of conceiving. Personally, I reckon tx increases that % as you generally get the best embies going back etc, which wouldn't happen naturally. This is my simpleton's view of it anyway!

Katie - how are you doing?  Are you back to your normal self now AF has arrived?

I'm sure I've missed someone - apologies.   to you all.

AFM, I asked for some more pessaries from the clinic and they arrived on Tuesday, so I don't know if it's linked or not but after starting them the bleeding stopped altogether, so feeling much happier. In addition, I did another test on Thursday, and it had moved from 1-2 weeks to 2-3 weeks so that made me happy too as the HCG must be increasing. I still haven't phoned the clinic for a scan though, in some ways don't want to know - I'm just happy in this naive bubble where everything's dandy.    I really still cannot believe it's worked, it was so close to being cancelled prior to egg collection, rubbish number of follies and thin lining - it was doomed so I'm still flabergasted. I remember telling my acupuncturist though that it had all been so crap it was bound to work!  Holly's cycle was a nightmare too so I kept reminding myself of that.

I'm obviously hoping that it will continue safely, and I hope this is just the start for all of us. However I'll completely understand if you want me to back off a bit. Maybe review your collective decision after my scan!!   If it's triplets I'll need all the friends I can get!   

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Don't you dare back off this thread, lady!! You are our hope and inspiration!!!! We will not finish this thread until all of us are up the duff again ;0)

XXXXXXXX


----------



## lyns76

Chris soooo pleased that everything is going ok for you now and of course we would never want you to leave this thread, thats why we are all here, we want to support each other and we do want to hear some good news, it reminds us all that it can and WILL work again.  We are all so happy for you and i really hope that more of us will be joing you soon xxxx

Hope everyone is doing ok and that you have managed to enjoy some son today.

My appoinment went really well on Thursday...after a bloody hour and half wait !!!

It was a new consultant and he was brilliant.  he was very sympathetic about how many attempts i have had in total with only managing one pregnancy.  Next go will be a short protocol with extra progesterone plus asprin.  He even took some bloods from me just to make sure i dont have any clotting issues and has booked my hubby in for a full examination just to make sure there are no clear physical signs as to why his count and motility is low which i am really pleased about as there are no apparent reason or medical complications as to what has caused it.  he has advised me to have an AMH blood test which i havent had before just to check how fertile i am for my age.  It will cost £80.00 but he says it will be worth it to try and get the maximum eggs acheivable with the drugs.  My last attempts were just judged on my FSH results but he did say that they were really pleased with how i have always responded so heres hoping.  He did also confirm that there is no evidence to show that i have any issues as i have achieved a healthy pregnancy and never had a miscarriage so perhaps it is just a numbers game for me.
For the first time in years i actually feel like they want to try some new things for me to make my dream come true.

hubby has to have another sperm test in a couple of weeks time and then his examination  April 13th then i can just book my info session in and start when i want so really pleased.

God its all going on.....new job in November, moving in 4 wks time and starting ICSI again, i must be a sucker for punishment or just thrive off stress !!!!

Oh and my little man has chicken pox just to top it all off !!!!!!!!!

Lots of love,

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Hi Ladies, 

So how are things this morning? 

LynS - what a fantastic appointment. It's so good to hear you were seen by someone who is bothered and who appreciates the costs of treatment. 

Chris - how are you hun? Have you told the clinic yet  

Pocket - so where are you now in your cycle? 

Loulou - have you spoken to the Dr? Hope you aren't still waiting  

Been a funny old time here. Part of me is building myself up for DH to say no and getting my head around the fact that we will be a happy three while the other is an emotional wreck at the thought. I was so positive only a few weeks ago and was convinced I could convince him to trust me and try again but I think I know it makes no difference. 

I realised this weekend I really spend my life talking about being pregnant and the labour and NG. It must be so boring but it's such a huge part of my life, and (to be slightly less harsh on myself) when you are pregnant you count each week and so will remember when things happen plus my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died and we had a house move and NG all in one year so there was a lot going on that is interlinked! It's so hard as I got really upset last night, not in an angry way, just a really sad way (not just about this, my best friend is emigrating in two weeks) and Dh tried to comfort me and he can see what torture I'm going through and yet he still can't put me out of my misery and say "let's try". 

On a slightly scary/comical note, you know how I've said I want to start trying in June? Well we go away to Centre Parcs on the 3rd with the inlaws. Can you imagine if he doesn't tell me until 31st May?! OMG what a holiday.   

Sorry all that sounds so miserable and defeatist. I've still got 10 weeks to go!


----------



## louloumay

Oh Katie, I really feel for you. It's so hard being in limbo. I guess you just don't know how to feel.

I'm in a bit of a rush, I'll post a bit later... just wanted to send you some    and  

xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

You are a sweetie and v intuitive - you are right, being in limbo is almost as difficult as a "no" - I've even debated going back on the pill as a way of feeling in control again. He's not a bad man, honestly. He just is very happy as he is (perhaps if I said he didn't need to be my birth partner?!  )


----------



## louloumay

Ha! Yes that could work!

Do you think he may subconsciously, and mistakenly, atribute all the stress you went through during your pregnancy to the actual pregnancy rather than the other stuff? Losing your dad during that time must have been unbearable  . Perhaps he doesn't want to rock your (I am assuming) relatively stress free boat?

Hope everyone else is well by the way xx


----------



## Notty

Hi everyone

I am sorry I have not posted for so long. Only have time for a quick post so will read back properly soon. 

Chris-Woooohoooo, congratulations hun I am so happy for you. As the others have said, don't you be going anywhere, it is the success stories that keep us going. xxx

Katie-Ah, it must be awful being in such limbo. I really hope your dh agrees to more tx soon. I also wanted to say that I understand how hard that year must have been as I lost my dad suddenly whilst in the middle of my ICSI cycle that is now my little girl. It was very hard dealing with the most devastating and most wonderful time of my life all at the same time. It still is to be honest. Just wanted to send you a big  

AFM-I am on stimms so have a scan on fri then will probably have egg collection Monday. I'm so scared but excited too. I feel so uncomfortable at the moment but hopefully it's all for a good cause.


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone!

Notty - good to hear from you    Good luck for the scan.. do keep us informed! Let's hope you'll be our next BFP!

Lyns - sounds like you had a great appointment!    How nice to have someone who is taking a genuine interest in helping you to achieve your miracle    There is nothing worse than feeling as if you are just on a conveyor belt and 'just another patient'. How is your LO and his chicken pox?! 

Katie - sorry to hear you are in such a difficult place right now (sorry - that sounded a bit 'Ricky Lake/Jerry Springer'!!) It can't be easy being in such limbo and not knowing where you are going to be and what you are going to be doing.   

Chris - hope all is well with your little snuggler/s!!

Louloumay -   

Lots of Love to you all - all ok here.. was just settling down for a long post but LO has decided to wake up early from his morning nap and is now    so best go! Will hopefully try to post again later!

xxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

Thanks to you all for letting me stay - you can't get rid of me that easily!! I'm away from home again, so a bit sporadic on the posts. I'm just staying with my sister until Friday as her husband is working away in China so thought I'd keep her company.

Notty - so glad to have you back and really pleased to see that you're mid-treatment. Hope it all goes well, hopefully your discomfort means there's lots of lovely follies in there.   

Pocket - sounds like LO is keeping you on your toes! 

Lyns - omg, what a fun time you've got ahead. You won't be bored at least!   

Katie  -    Wish I could make it all better for you. 

Loulou - did you call the dr? Sorry if I've lost the thread here.

AFM - Everything's good, still feeling knackered and queasy. I've booked a scan for Tuesday, all feels very scary but exciting. 

Take care of yourselves my lovelies - can you tell I'm in the west-country?!

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Evening!!


Hi Notty, lovely to hear from you. Such a busy time. Sending you lots of   


Chris, great news on your symptoms and the forthcoming scan. I remember so well that feeling, you desperately want the scan but there nerves.....!! Oh and the full bladder!  


Loulou, Lyns and Pocket  


I'm fine girls, honestly (although all your lovely words and   are much appreciated). I just have to focus on other stuff and sit and wait this out. And, even if we get to 1st June and I don't get a green light, it may still be a maybe so I might be in this position for a while yet so I'll sit and wait my turn while you all get busy with jabs, scans and hopefully BFPs! x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hello everyone,

Just thought I would drop by and say a quick   

Hope you are all ok.

Not much to report here (to be honest, am enjoying the lull before the big IVF storm   )... I can feel the dreaded PMT creeping in which may mean AF isn't far away, which then means it might be all systems go at some point soon...   

Lots of Love to you all!

Pocket xxx


----------



## Notty

Hi everyone, hope you are having a lovely weekend.

I have just done my trigger shot so no more injections!!! Egg collection is Monday.


----------



## Katie4

Hi!!


All quiet here too. Spent the morning digging in the garden and planting little plants (they look extremely small now but I'm hoping they will grow, that and some grass seed I've put down - totally new experience for me, hope I've not screwed it up!  )


Pocket that would be exciting....   (PMT exciting....you know what I mean!!)


Chris, how did your scan go? (Or is it this Tue?)




Ooh Notty I was posting at the same time as you. Wow. That's brilliant.     

Loulou, Lyns


----------



## louloumay

Hi all, glad everyone seems well. I'm a bit hungover, drank too much pink fizzy at my sisters birthday party (not the pg one, she didn't go and I was relived - isn't that awful  ). I had fun anyway, regretting it a little today though!

Anyway, just a quickie, wanted to say good luck to Notty. Sending you plenty of    ,    and   

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

Can't believe how cold it is today, after such a glorious day yesterday - what is 'one' supposed to wear?   

Good luck Notty for tomorrow, let us know how you get on, will be thinking of you.     

Katie - well impressed you've been doing digging. Our garden looks a wreck, the only colour in it is made my Little Tikes!  I've spent all morning looking at swings/slides/playcentres for the garden - any recommendations anyone?

I've just dropped DH and Holly at the park so I'm going up for my nap now - think it's just a habit now, but I'm useless without it!

Hope you're all having a good weekend.

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Ooh make the most of it Chris. (Quite unusually I'm not napping right now while NG does!   ) We have Plum swings and can say they do their job nicely. We just got the basic two swing set (sigh - me for our "second" child! And DH - for NG's friends!  ) and then got little children's seats and normal swing seats. BTW our garden looks worse than it did yesterday  


Loulou glad you could have a good time.   




Off for a diet coke...I'm shattered!


----------



## lyns76

Hi Girls,

Hope everyone is well.

I am not in a good place at all at the moment   

Cant stop crying again and i honestly feel like i am never going to get this to work again, i am worrying about possibly throwing all this money away and how i can cope with it all.
Had another pregnancy announcment today from my best friend and not dealing with it at all.  She is the loveliest person i know and will make the best mummy ever so why do i feel so sh*t?
I am now the only one out of my friends who cant get pregnant naturaly and its making me feel like such an outcast, dont know what to do anymore.  There are four of us who are really close, one had her third baby in Sept, the other had her second last Friday and now the other is expecting her first.  God this hurts, i really did think i was starting to cope better with it all but i am obviously not  

So sorry to bring the thread down with there being such good news on here at the moment but just needed to have a good cry to you all as my hubby thinks i am turning into a nutter and he just cant seem to understand why it should make my cry, especially now we have H.

Lyns xx


----------



## louloumay

Lyns, I'm so sorry you feel so bad. My dp is just the same, they just don't get it do they? We do though. You'll pick up again, try not to beat yourself up for having your feelings, it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do right now. Life seems to constantly rub our noses in it.......sometimes we can brush it off and sometimes we can't.

You'll feel better soon, I'm sure when all the moving stress is over you'll be able to concentrate on your next tx and start to feel positive again.

Sending you lots of      



xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Notty

Lyns-Big  , I know it sometimes feels lonely and unfair when it seems so easy for everyone else. We all understand hun. xxx

AFM-Just a quick one as I am feeling a bit tender after EC. I got 8 eggs which I am happy about. Just  for good news tomorrow.


----------



## louloumay

Oh 8 eggs! Fab!

Good luck Notty, everything crossed    xxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Thought I would make the most of this rare peaceful moment and catch up with you all    Just picked LO up from the childminder's where she told me that F had only had half an hour's sleep today    He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I have literally not been able to wake him up since!! I have put him down for a quick power nap in order for him to summon up the small amount of energy needed for teatime and bathtime.. followed by a much needed bed time I think     

Anyways...

Lyns - so sorry that you are feeling sad. I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it though - you are getting stronger and you are coping with it as you thought you were.. it's just I have found that the closer people are to you, the harder it is for you to accept their pregnancies. That would sound awful to a fertile couple butI know you guys understand where I am coming from. Don't be hard on yourself   

Notty - great news on the eggy front    fingers crossed for good news tomorrow - we shall be waiting for your post   

Louloumay, Katie, Chris   

AFM - Still waiting for AF but not expected for another few days yet so the PMT will continue    One of my friends/colleagues gave birth to a baby boy last night.. so pleased for her of course but hearing her wonderful news just made me want to be in her position again - really soon, please    
On another positive note, my DH texted me whilst I was at work to say that his grandad has given us a cheque for £3000!!!!    DH's mum mentioned that we were thinking of trying again and he offered to help us out - bless his heart. Some people are so kind. So I feel as if a bit of pressure has been released in terms of money.. although that money won't pay for a whole cycle, it certainly will go a long way towards it.. and god forbid, it will help towards another one if this doesn't work out   

Lots of Love to you - had better go and wake my sleeping man   

Pocket xxxx


----------



## lyns76

thanks for the kind words everyone, hate how i am up and down all the time!

I was 3 days late for AF too and stupidly i thought perhaps something may have happened cus i am regular as clock work but as usual wasnt to be, god knows what happened this cycle but its arrived with avengance today so PMT doesnt help much either.

I felt that down last night i even ordered a clairvoyant reading via email, it usualy scares me but feel like i need a little guidance.

it arrived today and dont make sense so not taking much notice of it.  She did say i would have one more child, born in 2012 and would be a boy around 8lb, that i would need some extra scans at 37 weeks because of the position but all would be well

here comes the funny part..........she can see no problems with actually conceiving but can feel that it is constantly on my mind!!!!  is she being friggin funny!!!!!!!

Like i said i wont be paying much attention to it !!!!!!

fantastic news Notty, well done, hope you will soon be joining chris with the BFP.

House move in 3 weeks then treatment will begin shortly after, talk about stressed!!!!

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Notty

Thanks girls. All 8 eggs were mature, 6 have fertalised. Fingers crossed now for Thursday when we will find out more. xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

That's great news Notty!

Look forward to hearing some more good news on Thursday!

Hi everyone else!

Pocket xxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Great news Notty - you're on the home straight now!   

Afraid my day wasn't so good - I had my scan this morning but there was nothing there.   I'm a bit in shock really, I had felt quite positive about it and  thought there would be 'at least' one in there! Oh well, back to reality  and back on the treatment rollercoaster.
  
  I've asked to see a different consultant to see if they'll put me on the  short protocol this time, at my age I haven't got time for all this  down regging each time.
  
  Poor DH, he was upset too, i didn't know what to say to comfort him,  kept feeling he should be comforting me - how selfish is that!!   On a plus side, he's said he's not ready to give up so at least I haven't got that battle on my hands.

As everyone keeps telling me "at least I've got Holly."  Think we can all relate to how that feels!

Love to you all,

Christine
xx


----------



## Notty

Oh chris I am so sorry. I was so sure this was the one for you too. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better so sending you lots of    .


----------



## Katie4

Chris I am so sorry. I never expected that for one minute. What a shame. X


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh Chris... How sh*t. It's just not fair, is it? Thinking of you lots and sending you millions of hugs.

Pocket xxx


----------



## lyns76

Chris, i am so gutted for you, i feel so bad now for moaning on about my woes.

My heart goes out to you and cant begin to imagine how you must feel, we are all here for you and i am so sure the next one will be the jackpot, i know its hard but stay strong, you are a fighter and you will win this sh*tty battle.

Give that beautiful girl of yours a great big snuggly kiss and cuddle as i am sure she will help you through it, it always makes me feel better when i get a big huf from H.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## lyns76

My post meant to say hug from H not Huf !!!


----------



## chrisgib

Holly has had lots of 'hufs' and 'hugs' today!  

Thanks to you all, you're all brilliant. All our woes are real though, let's not play a woe competition!

I'm so lucky to have lovely friends too - I've just got off the phone from one who has offered me her eggs - how amazing is that?  Not a solution for us as it's not my eggs that's the problem as we had good grade embies this time, but she so wanted to be able to help me. 

She was also really advocating counselling - have any of you tried it? I struggle to think how someone will help me rationalise the whole thing, when what I want is someone to fix it for me.

It felt a very heavy conversation and a bit surreal as I was sitting in Holly's playroom (not as grand as it sounds - it's just our old dining room has been taken over) surrounded by plastic tat.

Oh well - onwards and upwards. I really do think I'm lucky to have Holly, she's so lovely and funny. She's been brilliant with me today.

 to you all. I'm getting all emotional!!

Christine
xxx


----------



## louloumay

Oh Chris, I've just caught up with the thread. That's such a shock, I'm so sorry, I just don't know what to say. I know there isn't anything anyone can say. Thinking of you and sending you tonnes of love and     

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

OK, so call me attention seeking.   
  
  Just out of interest(!) I did a HPT this morning, and it was the  thickest clearest line ever. Just bought a digital one and it now says  3+weeks - this is really cruel! The nurse yesterday said that it would  probably be a really faint line there now.
  
  How can there be nothing there - could she have just missed it?  Surely not.   
  
  I've been back to the clinic and insisted that they take a blood test,  but really they just want to refer me to the EPU - I don't fit neatly in  to their protocols!
  
  Oh bloody hell - this is doing my head in. Logic tells me there's nothing there, but I can't help but hope.        
  
Think I'm going a bit la la la!
  
  Christine
  xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Chris - just a quick one...

If you have even the tiniest bit of hope... then insist that they do everything to prove that there is or isn't a little bean there!! You are perfectly within your rights to know one way or the other. This process is cruel enough as it is without this sort of thing happening!

PR xxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh chris! Pocket is absolutely right and mistakes can be made. Hope epu can give you some answers. Huge hugs x x x


----------



## louloumay

Chris, are you still taking some progesterone? I think you definitely should be, just in case. Keep doing the tests, you'll know if they get fainter over 3 or 4 days. 

Oh blimey, I really feel for you in that head space of disbelief. Been there, it's not nice. 

Sending you tonnes and tonnes of        and      

xxxxxx


----------



## louloumay

How are you today Chris? Thinking of you.  

About your counselling question, I saw someone for a long time, not specifically about fertility but found it really useful. It's a long process though.

Have you tested again today?

Hope you are ok. That's a stupid thing to say I know, I expect you are feeling far from ok. 

Sending you lots of love


----------



## Katie4

Hi Ladies, 

Chris, I had counselling too. Only recently, and also for fertility things as well as other things and found it really helpful. I actually only had a limited number of sessions but have had counselling before so relatively had only a few things to discuss and I'd worked through a lot of it on my own prior to going so for me it was almost like the last step rather than the first in the process but I'd definitely recommend it. I also think that because we have LO we need it even more as having dedicated time with no other distractions to get into what you are feeling and why is unlikely on a normal day/week/month!

Here's hoping EPU have given you some answers today. 

Pocket, any sign of AF? 

Notty hope you have some positive news hun. 

Lyns and Louloumay  

Katie x


----------



## chrisgib

Hi there,

Bad news, but all sorted now. It was an ectopic and I was admitted in to hospital last night, although i got lucky and got a great side room all to myself. It was just precautionary as I still had no pain etc. Scanned this morning and there was a suspect shadow close to ovary which they then removed later this morning. It was 3cm in diameter and stuck at one end of the tube, so have just lost part of the tube.

Thankfully got 'released' this evening and now back home taking it easy.

So a dramatic end to a sad story for me, but the optimist in me is thinking that their meddling might help us achieve a natural miracle before we jump back on the treatment rollercoaster.
















Our thinking on the tx thing is to leave it until July now, and squeeze in a couple of good holidays in between! (Already booked to go back to St Ives in May!) We thought that would give us some time to try naturally to prove my theory, and also time for my 'inners' to recover. Also need to review clinic again - this episode hasn't filled me with confidence - maybe they'll give me a freebie?!

Thanks to you all again for your ongoing support, I am making a bit of a meal of all this. Thanks also for your thoughts on counselling - I think I might give it a go, just a bit worried about it opening a complete can of worms that I'd rather be left shut. 

Notty - what's the latest? Have you got EC soon - good luck, I'll have everything crossed for you. 

I've been so self obsessed I've lost track with where everyone's at - hope you're all well.

Christine
xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

OMG Chris - how can you remain so calm?! I am so sorry that all of this has happened. At least you know where you stand now I suppose - and that has got to be a relief.

I think you and DH have got such a wonderful attitude towards it all - your plan of some lovely holidays and TTC naturally sounds like a great one to me!! 

Well done for being so brave and positive throughout all of this    I think you are an absolute star!!

Fingers crossed for a future BFP   

PR xxxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi girls,

Thinking of you Chris, youre being so brave under such stress and like you say hopefully a natural little miracle will be coming your way very soon.  have a good rest and i am sure a holiday will do you all so good.

Take care,

lyns xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Oh chris sweetie, thank goodness you did that test, you could have been so poorly if you'd been left a few more days. And my god we all have so much to Learn from you in terms of optimism Hun! And, just so you know - ng was conceived the cycle I had my lap and dye on day 3 so there's definitely a chance of a bit of natural luck. You definitely deserve it x x x


----------



## louloumay

What a nightmare Chris, as Katie said, thank god you caught it in time. I'm so sorry this tx hasn't work out for you, to have the prize dangled in front of your nose and then snatched away is especially cruel. You sound like you are bearing up, but I suspect you are putting on a brave face.

Bless you for seeing the small positives like the side room, you truly are an inspiration.

Absolutley masses of love and    

xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Notty

Chris-I am so sorry to hear that. Thank goodness they caught it early. I will be   for a natural bfp for you  

AFM-Just wanted to let you know that the call yesterday was good news. The embryoligist said my embies were looking really nice so wanted to go to blast. Ahhhh, never done this before, I'm just   so hard that they make it. I keep thinking I have never had a blast and then remind myself that dd must have been one, just she was already inside me. So ET is tomorrow at 10.45 so I will be pupo in 25 hours!!


----------



## Katie4

Morning, 

Chris, hope you aren't too sore and your credit cards are maxed out with those holiday bookings. I know you will be so desperately sad about what has happened but at least you have a plan for the next few months while you decide which clinic you are going to use. Am sure H will pick up on you needing lots of gentle cuddles too. x

Notty, that is fantastic news hun.   

Pocket, Lyns and Loulou   

AFM not much to report, BF's leaving/engagement party this weekend - part of me will be glad when she's gone! Sounds awful but I hate the feeling of impending sadness/anxiety. I'd rather just face the situation head on (and about ttc too  . Am desp trying to keep quiet about TTC this weekend and just wait another week or two before raising it again but in truth it's 9 weeks today till the deadline (I set!) and although I've waited 15 months now I'm just getting to the end of my tether with DH. Just make the decision will you!!! Which is of course to start TTC all over again   ) God my posts are sooooo boring. Change the subject Kate!


----------



## louloumay

Notty, that's really great. Good luck!   

Pocket, Wow £3000! how fab, sorry been a bit slow reading the tread back, only just noticed your good news. Hope AF has arrived to banish the dreaded PMT  

Katie, you are far from boring hun! Sounds like  you've got an emotional weekend to cope with, hope it's not too upsetting. Good luck with the keeping quiet strategy!  

Chris,    

Lyns, hope you're ok

me....... well feeling a bit pointless about more tx really. Now I'm 42 I think I may just be torturing myself, it is soooooo unlikely to work, especially after our last dismal attempt. DP is not keen either. I started on the dhea anyway. we'll see.............

Sorry to be a bit of a misery, I feel a bit pathetic moaning after every thing you have been through Chris.

Lots of love xxxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Chris - hope you're doing ok brave girl    and looking forward to your next holiday.

Louloumay -    so sorry you are feeling so sad. I think I can understand how you feel.. maybe it is part of a process before you dust yourself off and come back fighting with a vengeance    Sending you lots of love   

Katie -    for you too... sounds like you have a tough weekend ahead of you. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to face it all head on - sometimes we spend far too long thinking about things and dwelling on how bad they can be that it is actually better to get on with it than anticipate any longer!

Lyns - hope you are ok   

Notty - what fantastic news! Looking forward to more of that   

AFM - Getting ready for my LO's first birthday    Cannot believe how quickly this year has gone and how brilliant it has been    His actual birthday is on Monday but we are having family over tomorrow after going out for lunch (saving myself the stress while I can!). Have got the day off work as was able to swap my days so I will be able to spend it with my little man and reminisce about what I was doing this time last year    It is also DH's last day at home before he jets off to Miami for a week with work    It's all right for some! Am waiting for F to develop about 6 teeth/be ill/not sleep etc while he is away - DH always seems to miss the crises   
I phoned the clinic today as AF has finally arrived (sort of.. I always spot for several days beforehand so it's difficult to identify the first day of my period?! Sorry if TMI!) and have made our TIA for 19th April...    which means I may start downregging on or around 21st I guess... GULP!! Think I might start reading my 'Fertile Thinking' book to get me into a positive frame of mind    Can't quite believe it is happening and how much less fuss there is this time round than last time... I guess that is a good thing though!! We are definitely blessed to have such a wonderful distraction this time   

Hope you are all ok and have a fantastic weekend!

Pocket xx


----------



## Katie4

Afternoon! Hope you all had lovely mothers days 

Chris, how are you doing sweetie? Are you still sore physically? 

Louloumay, put it down to a bad day hun x 

Pocket, that's fab news  - can I ask a question about dos and donts when people are going through treatment as in, when you start a cycle does everyone else immediately calculate their potential due date or is that just me/ not the done thing/ tempting fate ? 

Lyns- hope everything is getting sorted for your move. 

Notty - how's being pupo? (other than nerve wracking, exhausting and exciting?!) 

Afm- wish I had been able to zip my mouth shut this weekend. Made it all the way till 8pm last night and then totally lost the plot with dh about ttc - I practically exploded. Tears shouting insults (!) - not proud of myself but the pressure just got too much, what with a good friend announcing her  2nd pregnancy on sat lunch and then my best friends leaving do sat night  it was destined to happen! It eventually had a positive outcome though which was that he could not say that it was definitely off the cards for him - so, I'm still in limbo but am more hopeful as I was sure it was a no but he just couldn't face telling me. He's also agreed to talk about it regularly without sighing and rolling his eyes/ getting defensive. I've also decided to shelve lent, now is not the time to deprive myself of choc or biscuits!


----------



## Katie4

Pocket hope your gorgeous little one had a fabulous birthday


----------



## chrisgib

Happy Birthday Baby Pocket   .  Hope you're all having a lovely day and eating lots of cake. Have you started reading your 'thinking' book yet - I must dig mine out again.

Katie - I always calculate my 'due date' but normally during my 2ww when I'm planning out the rest of my life and rearranging the house to accommodate new arrival etc and generally getting very carried away. 

I'm really glad you've 'exploded' at DH - I don't know how you've kept quiet for so long. I would have lasted about 2 minutes and if I didn't get the right answer I'd keep asking until I get the answer I want - generally grind them down til he has no option.   

Notty - how's the 2ww - are you busy?  Feeling positive? I so hope you get a happy answer - when is OTD?

Loulou - don't be torturing yourself. You've got every chance of it working. Ignore the stats, they're not written with your particular circumstances in mind. You've been pregnant before so that increases your odds against others.

AFM, I'm recovering quite well physically, although I've had lots of help at home with Holly and I'm still taking painkillers so difficult to know how I'm really feeling. I just had a good blub at Home and Away so that's prompted me to book a counselling session too, so that's all sorted for Saturday 16th April. I got DH to agree to come too so hopefully it will be good for both of us. We're dreadful as a couple and don't do any talking - I have full respect for those of you that can communicate properly, we just bury everything under a very lumpy carpet!

I was feeling quite logical about it all, but now just feeling angry and cross with everyone, particularly the clinic. I must get round to writing my letter to them.

I still haven't booked my holiday for June - any recommendations from anyone?

Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

Chris, lovely to hear from you. Sorry you are still sore. And I'm very pleased to hear about the counselling, especially as it's so soon. I have to talk and talk and talk when I'm going thru difficult times so can't recommend it enough. That said, you might find you feel exhausted straight afterwards. X 

And as for my explosion, think it was about 4 weeks since my last one but definitely worse! Glad I'm not the only one to keep nagging


----------



## lyns76

Hi all,

chris, hope you are bareing up Ok, thinking of you.

Notty, best of luck, keeping all crossed for you.

Sorry its a short one from me, it's hectic here at the mo and little one is sleeping in our room cus we have had to store all the boxes in his room!!! obviously he thinks its great.....can see trouble ahead when we move next friday and he has to go back in his own room.

will be catching up with you all properly soon,

Lyns xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Wooo hooo LynS - a week on Friday!! And even though it's chaotic, isn't there something lovely about having him in with you?! No?   Just me!


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the birthday messages    I like the reference to 'Baby Pocket' - it made me    Had a lovely day with DH and the little man and a great weekend with family. Cannot believe my baby is one! Time goes so quickly.

Lyns - glad you are ok and keeping busy   

Notty - hope you are feeling well and rubbing that tum   

Chris - glad you are ok. Good to hear that you are going for counselling. My clinic offers a few free sessions and I never felt the need to take them up last time as our tx was successful but I often wonder if I would have a couple should our next cycle not work.

Katie - sounds as if your explosion did some good    Although you are still in limbo I think the fact that DH didn't say no is a very positive thing.

Louloumay -   

AFM - Feeling a little nervous about the impending tx now! Fertile Thinking book is going to be making an appearance very soon, Chris! It almost seems to have crept up on us really quickly?! As for calulating due dates Katie - I always try to resist! I physically shake my head whenever I find my mind wandering and working out possibilities! I am a big believer in fate and hate to tempt it on any level! As my DH says, 'Assumption is the mother of all f?!k ups!'    He is very profound, you can tell, hey?!   

Other than that, DH is away for a week with work (going to Miami - lucky bugger) so I shall be sampling the delights of single parenthood until Sunday   

Hope you are all ok!

Pocket xxx


----------



## Katie4

Having done a week on my own with NG in Jan my advice would be this - drop your standards, drink wine with bathtime and it doesn't matter how successful you are, how tidy the house is or how empty the washing basket when he returns - he will not notice!   Enjoy the mummy time with your LO x


----------



## PocketRocket

Haha! Thank you my darling... I shall adhere to those wise words


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

How are you all?

Pocket xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi,

I'm fine thanks Pocket.   I'm doing a couple of days of single parenting and so far so good. My standards can't slip much lower though than normal othewise H will be up til midnight. She just won't go to sleep before 9pm and I need to be in bed by 10ish so I have an hour to have supper and do everything else, or not as it turns out.

DH is at a conference in Torquay. When I used to work I used to go too (strictly professional, separate hotels of course), we used to call it our first holiday of the year  - so he can't con me that it's really work!    To be honest he's welcome to it, I don't miss it one bit.

Hasn't it been a glorious hot day - 21 degrees here today. My kitchen is mainly conservatory so it's been like an oven, literally.

I've had a really busy day of visitors etc, it's been great but I'm shattered now and the house is a complete tip.  Hope it's sunny again tomorrow - zoo in the morning, better than some dull seminar about social housing!

How are you coping with single parentdom? Have you got lots planned? I would be a lot more jealous over Miami rather than Torquay!  

How long is it til you start your tx - sorry I've lost track. 

I'm feeling so much better today, although did overdo it a bit which reminded me that I'm not quite fixed yet. Sunny days help don't they!?

 to all of you.

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

You're right Chris, the sun coming out with his hat on really does make a difference to everyone's moods!    Do make sure you take it easy... you need to look after yourself! Really glad to hear that you are feeling better   

Single parenthood is ok at the moment to be honest as I have been at work for the last two days and so F has been thoroughly worn out at the childminders so (fingers crossed) has been quite good at night. We have got a few busy days planned so I'm hoping I won't really notice that DH is away! Typically his week away coincided with the only two nights of the year that I actually am due to go out    One of them being my uni reunion on Saturday - think I mentioned it yonks ago. Needless to say the majority of girls there have completed their families and/or are pg with their second/third/millionth child so there may be a few 'moments' for me that evening... best stay away from the wine    
Spoke to DH earlier and he was trying to convince me that spending the evening on the beach cooking a BBQ for the players (he is a rugby coach) was going to be tough    Oh yes... terrible, dear   

Sad news today... DH's (step) grandma died    She has been really poorly for a few months now so it was expected and a welcome release to be honest, but it still is horrid news.

Tx should be starting in a couple of weeks    I think! TIA appointment on 19th April and Day 21 of my cycle works out around 21/22nd April so... eek! Do you know, it really hasn't sunk in? I am actually quite concerned at how unphased I am at the moment by it all. And I am thinking that may not be a good thing! Maybe deep down I am just in denial about it - or perhaps I am being a little too cocky about it?!    Hmmm... I think I need to give myself a good talking to!!

Love to you all xxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Just had to quickly post as need some of your understanding and reassurance!! You know my last post where I famously quoted '... I am so unphased by it all'... yeah, well, forget that   

I had a call from my mother-in-law yesterday to tell me that DH's grandma's funeral was on Tuesday 19th... yes, the day of our appointment. Sod's law, hey?! Typically, I received the phonecall after the clinic had shut so I was unable to rearrange immediately... leaving me to fret the night away    I wouldn't normally have worried but they struggled to fit me in when I called last week anyway! Seeing as my Day 21 is on 21st April too, that doesn't leave much time for meds to arrive/me to get my head around it! Anyhow, they actually returned my call this morning at 8am to say that they are really pushed for appointments what with all the bank holidays (and they are now taking on NHS patients which I guess has an impact) but as a 'special favour' (I think seeing as we are spending thousands of pounds we are perfectly entitled to 'special favours', don't you?!   ) they can fit us in at 8am on 21st - that we could do my first injection there and then!!!

Reading back on the above, all seems to be fine and dandy and you are probably wondering why I need reassurance... I don't really know why I do!!    I think it's just hit me - I guess i was in denial before.. I think I had just been living in my own little bubble of denial where I was never really going to have to experience the dreaded emotional rollercoaster again    and I am feeling scared    so scared that it won't work    I don't really believe that we will be lucky enough for it to work twice in a row.. that it's got to be 'our turn' for a negative result...  

Sorry girls - feeling a bit crap this morning.. silly really - I should be excited I know - just feeling as bit overwhelmed by it all   

Feel better for ranting to you guys though    Strange isn't it - we don't know each other at all but the first thing I thought when I started to feel anxious was 'Must tell the FF girls!!' Sod my fertile best friends - they just don't get it     

Thanks for reading and apologies for the 'me' post... hope you are all ok and enjoying this gorgeous weather   

Lots of Love to you all,

A Neurotic and Irrational Pocket xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Oh Pocket - I so feel your stress. I would have felt just the same, you're not being in the least bit irrational.

It's great that you've got it all sorted - but I still share your fear as the appointment is 'cutting it fine' - but remember that's all you need. Even if your appointment was on the original day, you wouldn't actually 'do' anything until that first injection. Just be sure that they'll have ordered your drugs in for you to take home, well enough for a few days anyway if they usually do it via Homecare at home or similar. Sorry - hope I haven't scared you more.  

As for this treatment not working - it's definitely not your 'turn' for a negative. There's is no reason why this cycle won't work for you - the fact it's worked before for you goes in your favour too. You could argue with your 'fate' head on that if the funeral was going to screw it up, then the clinic wouldn't have been able to offer a 'special favour'!

Get your thinking book out and focus on that. Don't let any outside influence affect your PMA. You can do it - you will get a BFP!       

Better go - Holly is kindly pointing out the "yukky bird poo" on the window - things like that keep you grounded during the stress of tx too which you didn't have last time - a great distraction.   

Christine
xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi Pocket,  

I think your feelings are perfectly understandable, fertility treatment is so stressful, we think we are coping admirably and then the slightest hiccup and all the buried anxiety comes pouring out. Chris is right,  if fate were stepping in to screw it up then you wouldn't have got the other appointment, and there is no reason why this cycle shouldn't work.

Try not to tell yourself off for having doubts, it's normal, just notice that internal dialogue and replace it with a positive one. 

You'll be fine, good luck!      

xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Pocket I would see the stress and trauma as beneficial, you've got a unique cycle on your hands here and it's good when there's a story to tell about why you were even more stressed and how it will make you appreciate even more than ever a bfp. 

Know what you mean about posting too, have had another two pregnancy announcements this week (both have little ones born within a month of ng) and, if that wasn't tough enough I spotted a random mummy
Picking up her little one from nursery yesterday and she was about 6-7 months and had a child under 18 months with her. I'm such a moo, I don't even know her and felt evil towards her - the green  eyed monster is not attractive! (and just for clarity I'd like to point out I do not and would not have those feelings towards any of you!) 


How's everyone doing otherwise?


----------



## Katie4

Pocket when is dh back? 

Lyns did you move today? 

Notty is it test day tomorrow or am I week out?! Sorry if I am it's been a long week!!

Chris, bird pooh aside, how are you? 

Loulou, you getting on ok? X


----------



## chrisgib

Hi there,

Well DH is back from sunny Torquay and the bird poo is still on the window, so that's keeping Holly amused!

I've had a good ish day. Although seem to have spent a lot of time justifying why I've only got one child today to various people at the toddler group. Then had lunch with friend of a friend (only met for first time today) and she was really asking pertinent questions - all fine in principle, but by the time I got home I was starting to feel a bit blue. 

Got home to find that the GP had sent me a lovely letter and offering help and support - so even though that was good, it made me feel even worse. Then got on to the clinic to sort out follow up appointment - they always do my head in as they're so disorganised. That prompted me to write my letter of complaint!  Oh yes, and AF arrived today just to top it all off.

Now spent the last hour looking at new clinics. Not sure if it's worth switching though just from a hassle point of view.

Sorry about all that - think I'm just feeling cross and a bit sad today. 

On a plus side, Holly's being great while all her mates are really playing their mum's up! She can't help being perfect!!  

How's everyone else?

Notty, you test quite soon don't you - hope 2ww isn't driving you mad.     

Lyns - wow - was moving today? All my days are blending in to one. Hope you're OK and found the wine/kettle.   

Pocket - hope the single parenting is going smoothly. I found I got so much more done than usual, think I normally do nothing and wait for DH to do it!

Katie - I'm with you on the whole bump thing. Now the sun's out they seem to be everywhere, think pregnant ladies should be made to keep their winter coats on and their bumps discreet (except any of us of course!)

Hope you've all got good weekends coming up.

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Thank you so much for your kind words    You always know what to say to make me feel better! I spoke to one of my very supportive friends yesterday... both her and her DH are good friends of ours and were superstars when we last went through tx (she is the one who announced her 2nd pg after my prediction!!) and she said all the right things yesterday - but from a fertile couple's point of view!! Do you understand what I mean?!

Feeling much better about it all today anyway - to be honest, it seems worse when DH isn't here to talk it through either. He is back on Sunday morning in answer to your question Katie! I've been ok without him as we have been really busy, but just got to the point yesterday when I felt so tired and drained by it all that I am ready for him to be home now! He said that he was ready to come home too, which is nice   

Notty - hope you are ok?

Louloumay - thanks for your wise words   hope you are all right.

Katie - it's horrid when your PG Radar is on good form isn't it?! I don't think mine is ever turned off!!   

Lyns - fingers crossed the move went ok and that you are feeling a bit happier   

Chris - Sorry you had a bad day yesterday - are you feeling better today? Lovely that your GP sent a letter to you - but I totally understand how that would make you feel worse if you were in that frame of mind anyway!! Can understand the reluctance in changing clinics from a hassle point of view, but it might be worth just keeping an eye out. I mean, when you do return for tx, I expect the issues you had with them will be in the back of your mind and you want to make sure that you have every confidence in what they are doing - they have your dreams right in the palm of their hands, after all. Hope you don't midn me saying that... I think it is how I would feel.
Glad your little angel is being an angel    There is always something that makes you feel quite smug when you know your LO is behaving better than your friends ones!!

I have sat F in front of the TV in his highchair to have his breakfast... something I swore I would never do as a mother... but I know that there is no way I would ever get this post typed and sent otherwise!! Naughty Mummy   

Have my university reunion tonight and I am feeling quite nervous about it! My parents are coming up to look after F so it'll be nice to have a break... as much as I have thoroughly enjoyed my mummy time with him.

Hope you all have fantastic weekend! 

Pocket xxx


----------



## lyns76

Hi girls, big kisses to you all.

The move is next Friday - 15th April !!!!!
This is my last weekend of sorting and packing so i am completely knackered.  My little man's 3rd birthday on the 20th too so its all going on at the mo!!!

pocket - i know exactly how you feel and it is hard at times to feel positive but we HAVE done it once so we know that we can do it again.....keeping everything crossed for you, i am sure everything will go great for you.

Hope you are feeling better Chris and that you are getting through it ok xxxxx

Hello to everyone else......i have utterley and completey lost track of all that been going on so please excuse me !!!

hubby had his sperm test friday...yikes and then has his examination on Wednesday so we will be booking in our info session after the move to get the dreaded prescription ready for when i want to start.
I am really nervous about his sperm test incase they say its even worse than it was 4 years ago but we do have some in the freezer as back up and i guess thats why ICSI is so good, they get to pick out the best ones !!!

I too am feeling anxious about starting again and soooo dreading another tww !!!

May not be on much for the next few weeks as we are going to be so busy and my internet will be down for a few days when we move so just wanna wish you all well and will catch up soon.

Lyns xxxxxxx


----------



## Notty

Hi ladies   

It is BFP!!! We are very very happy. I did a CB digital and it says pregnant 2-3 weeks. Thank you for all your support girls. xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Wow Notty - that's fabulous - well done.     

Did you really not do any early testing - that's amazing.   

Showing 2-3 weeks already - twins maybe?! 

So hope it all goes smoothly for you and we'll all follow your lead.   

Christine
xxx


----------



## Notty

Thanks Chris.

I never test early because just think it would really reck my head if it was negative but I would still  be wondering if it was too early. I made a deal at the beginning of the 2ww that if I was bleeding I would test early but if not then I would wait. I have been very tempted at times though.....kind of wish I had now that I know it is 2-3 weeks  . Right I need to remind myself it is early days and not get too carried away. How are you and Holly doing? xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Try not to worry - it is early days, but regardless of that you're very pregnant today so get as carried away as you can and enjoy every minute.

Really admire your testing discipline!   

Holly and I are fine thanks. We're much happier since hearing your good news, gives us all hope. I'm still convinced it's twins - you did have blasts put back didn't you?!

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Yippee!!!! Notty - such wonderful news :0) So pleased for you. Do keep us informed of how you're getting on.

Wishing you a very happy and healthy pregnancy!

Pocket xxx


----------



## Notty

Thanks girls  

Yes Chris, 2 blasts. They were early blasts though so I don't know what quality they were. I am just   for one healthy baby, any more is a bonus! I have just booked my scan for 2nd May.    xxx


----------



## louloumay

Oh that's brilliant Notty! Well done you xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Congratulations notty!!!!!!! Wonderful and brilliant news!!!


----------



## chrisgib

Come on then girls - we've got to catch up with Notty now! Any symptoms Notty?

How is everyone, it's been mighty quiet on here. I've been avoiding posting really as been on a bit of a downer - but missing my FF friends.   

Lyns - I've been thinking of you, I know you'll probably be offline for a bit, but hope the move went well and you're now settling in to your new home, even if surrounded by boxes.   
Hope you got good news back from DH's test too and are all set to get going. Try not to worry about starting treatment again - we're all here to help you. 

Pocket - How was the reunion with your Uni friends?  Hope your DH had a good trip but is now pleased to be home with you. Busy week next week for you - hope the appointment goes really well for you.

Katie - Any progress with DH? Has your deadline passed?

Loulou - How are you doing hun?  

Afm, still got a sore tummy button but that's it physically. AF wasn't AF at all, so still waiting for that which is annoying when I just want to crack on with ttc. Have our counselling session this morning, quite looking forward to it weirdly, not sure that DH is. I don't think he's given it any thought or preparation mentally - but then I guess he's been busy at work so I shouldn't be so critical. Had a sad week this week, I'm fine when with people but just sob when I'm on my own - doesn't make it very easy for my friends to support me when I'm like this. They've been great though. I find though that if they're positive I feel negative to balance it. I have a good friend who had her DS (7th IVF with own eggs) at 46; so she's my inspiration to keep going. It's tricky talking to her though as she's decided not to try for a 2nd due to her age (now 49) but I'm sure that age doesn't take away the urge. She's been lovely though and really understands the rollercoaster and how exhausting it all is.

Hope you're all well. Take care.

Christine
xxx


----------



## louloumay

Hi Christine,  it has been a bit quiet here hasn't it. I've been feeling a bit down too. I felt for you when I read about you crying when you're alone. It's hard to show our feelings when we're around others isn't it. I imagine they are all bored of it and think we should 'pull ourselves together'. I hate that phrase don't you.

I'm glad you shared the story about your friend, (although I feel sad she is unable to have number two, we know how bad that feels) I've been looking for some over 40 happy endings on ff but sadly they are few and far between. Oh God, sorry Chris that didn't help did it! I was going to send you a positive 'pick-me-up' post but it turned into a maudlin one. Oh dear!

We'll get there, whatever happens.

Love to everyone xx


----------



## Katie4

Evening lovely ladies. 


Notty - how are you doing? Don't be afraid to tell us all your pregnancy symptoms and even moan about them - it's so lovely that you have your BFP   Remind me when is your scan? In a week or two?


Chris, I'm so sorry you are feeling low,   it is a very normal reaction though sweetie, you have after all lost your much longed and prayed for baby. Sorry if reading it in black and white upsets you more but you are entitled to grieve and should. I'm so pleased you have friends who are being helpful and giving us all a bit of hope. How did the counselling go? 


Loulou, now for you,   you are also perfectly entitled to feel down, it's such a hard situation, I'm just sorry you are though. 


Pocket - if I'm remembering rightly, you have a funeral and then your appointment on Thursday? I've a small inkling to what you meant when you said you "didn't feel ready" - I realised that IF (and it's still a big IF) DH agrees to TTC again from June this will be my last cycle before we start as AF came last week so my next one will be mid May and then I'll ovulate sometime around the 1st-5th June and OMG shouldn't I be eating purely organic food and quaffing water from some special spring ??! Or at least reading my Zite west book again?? - we will be trying on our own though so even IF he says yes the chances of another BFP are.....   but that's a hurdle I'll face later. One thing at a time.   


Lyns - wow, hope you are loving your new house, aren't too exhausted and know where your list of questions is for your appointment which I think is on Tuesday. 


AFM  - well I've already put a little bit in about me earlier but I do want to share how I'm feeling right now as it may be of comfort to some of you. You all know I joined this thread desperate for another baby. As in desperate to the stage of thinking about it 24/7, crying regularly, feeling horrendous because it was out of my hands.....and well things have shifted slightly recently. Don't get me wrong, I still want another, however, it's not so all encompassing which feels like a weight has been lifted. It's only a recent change but it's allowed me to enjoy NG more and to really appreciate what I have. (Not implying you all don't enjoy your children nor that you are ungrateful but I suppose what I'm trying to share is my surprise at feeling this way). 


Anyway, before I get too deep and meaningful I'd better go and clean the kitchen.   


Night night - sweet dreams x x x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone   

I too had been thinking that it was pretty quiet on here    so good to hear from you all!

Chris and Louloumay -    sorry to hear you've been feeling down. This whole infertility thing is such a rollercoaster of emotions isn't it.. whether you are going through tx or not, it seems! The sadness will pass I am sure - but that isn't much consolation when you are feeling down, I know. Sending you lots of   

Katie - so glad to hear that you are feeling more positive about having another baby.. it is really good to hear that you are enjoying LO more and not feeling so encompassed by it all. It's strange how something can just 'click' and your whole attitude and emotions towards something can just alter slightly and make you feel so much better.

Notty, Lyns -   

AFM - The university reunion was actually ok thank you, Chris! I would say at least 80% of the people there were married with children... usually more than one    I didn't feel too awkward as generally nobody seemed to really care how many children I had    One of the girls I got on particularly well with asked me if I would like a little brother or sister for Freddie and, because she is discreet and trustworthy, I felt the need to be honest with her. I just said that I would LOVE to have a sibling for F - a whole brood, in fact - but it wasn't easy for me and DH to have children, so if we were blessed with another miracle we would be the luckiest people alive. She smiled and nodded and I think realised that it was a conversation not to be taken any further   Ironically, I heard that one of the girls who didn't attend because she was 8 months pg had actually fallen pg through IVF... and you always think you're the only one, hey?!

Thanks for remembering my appointment girls    it's funny how even my best friend can't quite remember when it is but you guys can    (not slating my BF but you know what I mean   ) Yes.. it's on Thursday and I am getting butterflies when I think about it. I am sure that I will be absolutely wetting my knickers (sorry if TMI!!!   ) with fear/anxiety/anticipation etc - you know the drill - on Thursday morning, but until then I am managing to put it out of my mind otherwise I really shall get into a state. As I have said many a time before, the lack of build up in comparison to last time does unnerve me and I constantly worry that because I haven't put as much thought and preparation into this cycle, I am somehow undeserving of a positive result - silly, I know, as the main reason I haven't given it as much thought is, of course, my little monster keeping me constantly busy! A VERY welcome and miraculous distraction that I thank my angels for every day   

In the meantime, the funeral is tomorrow    which I am not looking forward to.. least of all because of the horrendously lengthy journey there and back - but, as I say - a welcome distraction I suppose   

Lots of Love to you all xxxx


----------



## louloumay

oooh good luck for Thursday Pocket   and thoughts are with you and family for tomorrow   xx


----------



## Katie4

Evening, 

Pocket I hope you have got through today OK.   

And Lyns, how was your appointment?
Notty love, how are you getting on?   

Chris any sign of AF? Have you decided what is next? Has H been good for you? (Does she go to nursery or a child minder at all so you get a break?)

Loulou, how was today for you? Feeling the same or better (hopefully not worse)  

AFM - well it's been a    day - my boss has had me in and given me what can only be described as a nice telling off. It's really odd, and I ended up in tears but only because I felt totally humiliated because she implied (all said in really nice way) that people who genuinely care about me at work (?!) were concerned because I am apparently appearing extremely stressed. I am busy, I do type very quickly and I multi-task - that's what happens when you try to do more than you did before you went on mat leave but in half the time and I don't mess about when I do go in to the office, I book loads of meetings so I can work from home the rest of the time and try to get it all done. However, DH is convinced she's being really nice because she thinks I'm pg. The irony is not wasted on me. 

And of course I've then spent the afternoon thinking about whether I am stressed and is it so bad that I don't even know it?! However, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not. Well no more than any other working mum who tries to juggle 101 things. 

On that theme I'm off to do some jobs and then lie on the couch - not done that for a while and it might be nice x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everybody,

Chris, Louloumay, Lyns, Notty -   

Katie - I really wouldn't read too much into what your boss has said. Call me a cynic, but the last time I was told that someone at work was 'worried' about me, she was just poking her bloody great big nose into my business and trying to find out if I was pg!!    So maybe your DH is right    (I mean, I do have two very good friends who I work with, but if they were worried about me, they would talk to me directly - not go to my boss!!)
You said yourself that you like to get things done and dusted at work so that you can spend more time at home and that is totally acceptable: your priority is your family - not work! As long as you are getting everything done in your job (and it sounds like you are to me!!), then it's really none of their business what kind of mood you are in, is it?! 
Sorry - just read that back and it sounded really arsey and defensive!! I didn't mean it to sound that way.. having had a similar experience myself it just winds me up when 'concerned' (read as 'nosey') people start to question our moods!

AFM, today was ok, It was a lovely service and although being stuck in traffic on the way to Eastbourne on the hottest day of the year dressed in black wasn't my idea of fun - it was great to see the family and celebrate DH's step grandma's life. It certainly made me even more appreciative of my life, the good health and wonderful people I have in it   

Getting a little nervous about Thursday still... am planning on digging out my Zita West relaxation CD and going to plough on with my Fertile Thinking book (if I am not so tired that I fall asleep after one page tonight!) 

Lots of Love to you all,

Pocket xxxx


----------



## Notty

Katie-I hope you are putting your feelt up on the couch hun xx

Pocket-I hope the funeral has gone as well as can be expected.  

Chris-I hope your tummy is feeling a bit better. xx

Louloumay-I am sending you lots of pma hun as you sound like you need some right now          

AFM-Thanks for asking for me girls, I am doing fine. 2 weeks to go till my 7 week scan and seems like forever. I was going a bit loopy worrying at the end of last week but have managed to get back to a bit of normality now. I think the sunny weather helps, it is just so lovely spending time in the park with dd.


----------



## Katie4

Hi Ladies, 


Pocket and Notty - thanks girls. You are right, nosey nosey nosey. DH even asked what I had been wearing to work in case that had not helped! (Anyone else guilty of buying clothes and thinking, well I could still wear this if pg?! OMG I am obsessed, no matter what I say!  


Notty lovely to hear you are OK and Pocket, OMG, hope you had the air con on! Don't get stressed if you don't get the chance to read ZW before Thur. 


Am sat on the couch having tidied the kitchen and sorted out the Easter weekend shopping.    Must go to bed now. x


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

You lot have been busy 'gassing' while my back's been turned!

Agree with everything that's been said about the work thing Katie. Sounds like you're working really hard, they can't ask for more. As for the clothes buying thing - yep, I'm just the same!!

Pocket - hope you're lying on the sofa listening to your CD now. Good luck for tomorrow.   

Loulou - how are you feeling?  Hope things are becoming a bit easier. I reckon there's lots of positive stories out there - we're still young!!

Lyns -   hope you're Ok. Thinking of you. 

AFM, no news really other than I got a 'high' on my CBFM today so feeling reassured that the body is recovering from all the activities of last month. Needless to say DH has developed man-flu and run a mile!  He'd better feel better if I get a 'peak'  (it does low/high/peak) or there'll be trouble!   

I'm still looking for holidays - when the weather's nice here I convince myself I don't want to go abroad, but give me a grey wet day and it all changes!

Did my first day of 'nannying' yesterday for my friend's 8 month old baby girl. She was great, did everything by the book. However Holly was a complete nightmare and the day was so stressful. I even started to wonder whether we should really have another.   

I have such a lovely, blessed, and to be honest, easy life with Holly. I'm at home full time with her so it's one playdate after another. I know it's different with your own, and I'm confident Holly will adjust, it was part of the reason for doing it, I just have to remind myself of that. Poor Holly spent most of the morning on the naughty step! 

I'd better go and check that DH is OK!   

Christine
xx


----------



## Katie4

Evening. 

Chris, I feel for you hun, h will get used to it but it is hard looking after someone elses while your LO is there - plus it's an age thing. Ng has been so good recently after a tough episode but the honeymoon seems to be over as she was in the naughty corner for about ten minutes tonight as she wouldn't say sorry to dh! She's so strong willed! 

And thanks for the reassurance about work. I'm still feeling really unsettled by it all but it will pass with time. good news things are moving back towards normal again, at least physically. 

Pocket good luck for tomorrow x 

Notty hope you are ok

Loulou chris is right, but it's so hard when there's so much to consider; for me dh's outstanding indecision has definitely taken it's toll. 

Am officially on call now for my sister - she's due tomorrow and I'm  having my niece and really excited about it. Although I suspect I will be empathising with you chris - having ng and my niece both two in the house..... Best put the wine in the fridge!


----------



## PocketRocket

Morning girls   

Chris - hope your day is better than yesterdays! I am sure Holly will adjust once she realises that the situation is permanent.. after all, these little 'uns are amazingly resilient when they choose to be    and also very stubboen I suppose    but you'll get there in the end.

Katie - glad you are feeling a little better about the work thing. These people have a lot to answer for   

Louloumay, Notty, Lyns -   

AFM - appointment attended, drugs collected, first injection - DONE! Very strange    I did the jab there and then without even flinching... I did smile when I reminded myself of the last time I did my initial injection.. I numbed the area with an ice pack first, my mum held my hand, I was crying.. In the end, DH had to do it for me!! After a month of injecting/internal scans/EC/ET/childbirth, you kind of learn to 'man up' a bit I guess    (as DH would say   ) Got first scan on 5th May provisionally - depending on whether AF has started of course. Provisional week for EC 16th May - but I can't think that far ahead atm... one step at a time   

Have a great day ladies xxxx


----------



## louloumay

Blimey, I'm a bit behind with everyone's news!

Thanks for the   Notty, I needed it, and loads of     back at ya for your upcoming scan.

Katie, any news on your sister? Hope everything goes well for her. How did the babysitting go?

Chris, I didn't realise you were child-minding, I'm sure Holly will adjust just fine. It's bound to be a bit of a shock sharing mummy for the first few days!

Pocket, excited you've started your tx!   you will be next!

Lyns, how are you doing? Up to your ears in boxes I suspect!

AFM  LO has been really poorly the past week so I'm pretty tired. Been awake most nights with the sick bucket in hand ready for the next round (sorry tmi). She was pretty close to having to be dripped for dehydration so that was a bit scary. She's picked up a bit today though, she asked for some MacDonalds fries after she threw up the healthy homemade chicken broth I gave her, and managed to keep them down. Not sure if I was pleased about that or not! Still, I suppose crap food is better than none. She doesn't have them often! Honest!


xxx


----------



## Katie4

On my phone so forgive me.....

Pocket, wow!!! You are well on your way. 

Loulou, poor you and your LO. Whn I had a horrendous bout of v and d in Egypt ten years ago all I wanted was mcdonalds chips....think it's the carbs! Hope things have been better today. (and well done your LO on using a bucket or bowl, ng has never managed that) 

Hope everyone is having a nice Easter. I'm debating a glass of wine. No sign of my niece/nephew as yet. And bizarrely the further beyond my sisters due date we go the more relaxed I am - makes no sense at all! My sister is convinced it will be wed - literally no signs at all yet. But do I dare risk one glass of wine?! Dh will be less than impressed if I have to send him on a 2 hour round trip at 3am to get my niece !


----------



## PocketRocket

Katie... Go on - do it - be a devil    If in doubt, compromise and go with a spritzer!!

Louloumay - hope LO is on the mend    Poor little mite. It's so awful when they are ill. Ply her with Maccy D's if it's what she wants! My mum always says a little bit of what you fancy does you the world of good    especially if you are poorly! Unfortunately looking at my ever increasing ****, I have been having a little bit of what I fancy a little bit too often   

Yes, well on the way with tx but did have a mini meltdown yesterday just before I did my second injection (the first one I had done at home on my own since the TIA). DH was ever so good though    I think I just thought 'Oh Jesus... this is really it - and this bit is the easiest part of it all!'    But I took time out of my meltdown to watch F playing happily with his toy fire engine when he looked up and gave me the biggest smile - if that isn't a reason to carry on, then what is?   

Hope you are enjoying your Easter weekend xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Morning!

How are you all? 

Notty, are you getting on OK?

Pocket, feeling like a pin cushion yet? 

Loulou, hope your LO is well on the mend and your energy levels are back on their way up.

Chris, are you minding the baby this week too? How is H getting on with it all?

My sis is still pregnant, bless her, so there has been little or no wine drunk. She's having a sweep today though (40+5) so we may have some action tonight/tomorrow (although work-wise I'd rather it was Thursday night/Friday as I've loads on this week!   ) Am sad at having to be away from NG today, had a lovely weekend and wish I could win the lottery and be a SAHM.    Back to the grindstone....!

BTW it's only 5 weeks till my TTC deadline, still no decision from DH but I'm remaining hopeful (if slightly scared at the thought of it all!  )


----------



## louloumay

Hi Katie,

I had a sweep when I was waiting for LO to show up and nothing happened! She was 17 days late and even then had to be dragged out! You may be able to get all your work done after all. Babies have a habit of keeping to their own timescale regardless though don't they , so don't get your hopes up!

Have you managed to say nowt to DH regarding tx  , or have you been chipping away at him? If it were me, I know it would just pop out of my mouth as soon as it popped into my head. Not a good strategy as far as men are concerned.

LO is a lot better thanks for asking. She is still a bit off colour and VERY easily upset so my parenting skills and patience have been tested to the limit  

Hope everyone else is ok. Notty, I hope you don't feel you have to take a back seat. We want all the gory pg details please.

Anymore meltdowns Pocket?

Love to Chris and lyns xxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Katie - hope your sister pops soon! I was lucky and was two days early with LO.. can't imagine how frustrating it must be to be late!  And be sure to show the new bubba off to DH.. waft that gorgeous newborn baby smell near his nostrils!! 

Loulou - Glad to hear that Lo is on the mend.. sorry to hear your patience has been tested though!! BTW.. 17 days overdue?!!! OMG - how did you get thru it?!! 

Notty, Chris, Lyns - lots of love to you all.. hope you are doing well 

AFM - yep, feeling like a pin cushion  but glad I retained my baby blubber... makes the needles less painful  No more meltdowns as yet although I did feel really fed up yesterday  After having psycho analysed the plethora of emotions that seem to be mixed up within me at the mo (along with PMT)  I realised that I *am* ready for another baby - just wasn't ready for the *tx*!!! Sounds  I know. But DH and I had a chat last night and said that although we had decided when to go for it, we didn't really discuss it after that - and you all know how quickly time goes... the start date just seemed to creep up on us and was here before we knew it! I also thought that because I appeared totally unphased by the lead up to the tx, I believed it was because the second time around was 'so much easier'.. I realise now that it isn't easier at all; it's just as hard but in a different way. Please can you tell me if that makes any sense to you or is all this DRing affecting my brian already!??! BRIAN! Who's Brian?! Brain, I meant - obviously!!! I think I have just answered my own question there 

Anyone got any plans for the Royal Wedding??

Pocket xxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi everyone,

Lovely to hear everyone's news. 

Things all ticking away nicely here, except that Holly has chicken pox which is scuppering my social life somewhat!  Thankfully it's a short week though, and she appears to only have a mild dose of it, so I'm counting my blessings.

Luckily I wasn't baby minding this week either as they're on holiday - I'm the most unreliable nanny in the world!

As for ttc - got very excited yesterday as my CBFM gave me a 'peak' plus then did an Ovulation test and got a smiley face on that too. Poor DH didn't stand a chance!!   
Whilst possible, I know it's highly unlikely that we'd conceive naturally, but I still get the same stress on the 2ww as with treatment, silly really.

Sorry I haven't got time to do personals just now. Just really wanted to say Hi.

Christine
xxx

ps - Pocket, I wish I had a Brian!


----------



## Katie4

Chris, poor Holly.    Hope she's on the mend soon. 


Pocket, brian, brain, we know what you mean   Hope today has been a better day. 


Lyns - how is your new house?


Loulou, - hope you and the little one are fully recovered now. 


Well my sis popped last night/this morning. Little girl at 8lb 3oz. Very cute and pretty. However Ng walked in to the ward and totally surprised me by saying "Don't like baby" - she loves babies normally. Bizarrely, I felt so broody when she called me last night to get my niece as I knew she was in labour but holding her, although lovely, did not make me want a baby. Almost the opposite. Anyone want to explain that one?!


----------



## aurelia

Hi ladies

I hope it's ok to join you, just feeling really alone at the moment as it's really sinking in that we are going to try FET at the end of the year and already I'm absolutely terrified! I thought it would be easier after having Lanora, we tried 7 years for her and I just can't believe she's really here, she makes me so happy, and we have 1 snowbaby which we always planned to try for once Lanora has turned 1 and finishes breastfeeding, but now DH has set up a savings account so we will definitely be able to afford the tx by the end of the year and as much as I'm excited I'm equally as scared about even trying. It's a fear I never expected to have and it's freaking me out   It's like because I have been pg and know how amazingly wonderful it is then the hurt would be even worse if this FET doesn't work as I do feel so connected to my little frozen baby even though I do also know there might be nothing there. It's all so confusing, and although I do have some great friends with IVF babies they don't have any frosties and they don't know if they're going to try again so I just feel I can't say anything to anyone about how I feel. You all seem so positive so hopefully that will rub off on me   

aurelia x x x


----------



## Katie4

Hi aurelia - you are most welcome to join us 

Notty sweetie, sorry missed u off my personals - how are you? X


----------



## louloumay

Just a quicky to welcome aurelia, this is a great place to come if you need a bit of support and understanding. We can all relate to the mixed and sometimes conflicted feelings you can have while ttc number 2. 

Sorry to hear Holly's not well Chris, good luck for your natural 2ww!

Pocket, your post really made me laugh   Brian What you said makes total sense by the way. I felt really in control before the last tx too and then completely lost the plot  

Katie. Congrats on your new niece! Not sure what to say about your unbroodyness. I'll have a think about that one and get back to you!

Love to Notty and Lyns

xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Hi Loulou, how are you hun? 

And as for my unbroodiness - without getting too deep about it all, I think I spent Feb and March grieving/coming to terms with Dh not wanting another or just putting all the emotions away in a box somewhere and perhaps I can't access them until I know what we are doing? I'm not an emotion free robot thought I promise, I sobbed when I met my niece yesterday. 

Suspect we will chat some more over this weekend. Well it will be May for heaven's sake. June was our deadline. 

Chris, we were waiting for ICSI when I had NG so I've been where you are and so wish you (and of course all of us) natural easy BFPs!

Oops late for a work meeting...


----------



## louloumay

I'm good thanks Katie. LO is much better and back at preschool today.

I'm coming to terms with my sisters pregnancy. I can't pretend it's not happening anymore - since it soooo obviously is. 

My not so LO has been offered her infant school place (OMG) so I'm busying myself sending all the appropriate paperwork off and trying not to think about the dreaded day she starts  

Your insight into your feelings sounds bang on. I think that is exactly how I would be in your position (which I am actually as DP is still pretty against the whole idea of more tx). We are masters of self preservation aren't we!

Love to all xxxxxxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi guys,

Welcome Aureila    Totally understand youir feelings of dread at the possibility of more tx - I am right there with ya   

Katie - I understand how you say you've been 'filing your emotions away' as such.. I think I did the same kind of thing.. hence freaking out lastminute.com about this cycle   

Louloumay - Glad LO is better    How frightening that you are organising her school place!! I would be/will be exactly the same as you.

Chris - How is H's chicken pox? At least it gets it out of the way I suppose!   

Notty - where are you?! Give us your pg news! We want to hear all about it!!   

Lyns - Guess you are busy with the move still.. hope it's all going well.

Better dash anyway girls.. got an acupuncture appointment in 20 mins and still need to wake LO up from his sleep! Oops - might be running a little late!

PR xxx


----------



## Katie4

Sorry but this is all about me. It just has to come out. I'm sat in our office with the door shut so he can't hear me typing or see the huge mascara streaks runing down my face or all over the backs of my hands where I've tried to wipe the tears away. 

I organised a mummy night out for tonight and as the seven of us sat there two announced their pregnancies. (Another girl is due next week with her second and two other already have two). We all have children born within a few months of one another which is how we know each other. 

I knew about one of the announcements and had come to terms with it but the other felt like a physical blow, especially as she had given me a lift and told me she was back on the pill when they were actually TTC.  Why do people lie? It makes me feel so humiliated. I thought they were in my camp but they weren't. 

I have no idea how I made it through dinner. I cried when I went to the loo but fortunately my sister had called along with another friend so I had a good excuse to be away from the table. At least I hope I did, fortunately I'd sunk a large glass of wine before we ate so was loud enough to pretend to be normal and jolly. 

I'm angry and so hurt, how could my DH do this to me? I'm a good wife and Mum so why is he putting me through this? It's bad enough that the chances of us conceiving alone are slim but to not even be given the chance of trying. It's just too much. I'm just so sad. I'm just crying and crying and know I must sound pathetic and I am so lucky to have this beautiful and clever and healthy LO upstairs but seriously, I am fed up - I am now officially the "one with only one child" (the other lady at the table is an older Mum and I'm almost certain she's decided they are a family of three). 

Oh God, at one point, they were all talking about me and my DH and whether I was hiding anything. And of course I made my well practised excuses about us both being so happy and content with Ng etc.....have I started to convince myself I've said the lines so many times? 

I just can't stop crying. My sister having her second, all my friends having a second, and I have no choice but to sit and wait to see if I can convince my DH to have a second. i think Im scared to admit how not OK I am with all this. 

It's not that I don't love NG, I adore her. but why can't I have the chance to be pregnant again? And to feel the love for my unborn baby? And to teach NG how to be a big sister? 

I know the wine and the emotions are not a good combo but maybe it's done me good to get this down on paper? 

Just send me hugs to show I'm not on my own will you?


----------



## louloumay

Oh Katie, you poor thing. I feel so angry and upset for you. I'd like to come round there and shake your DH into seeing how his indecision is making you feel. 

I don't know what to say really except, it's good you ARE acknowledging your feelings, it really did need to come out, and you're right, it usually does where wine is concerned. Also, that you really don't sound pathetic, you sound like a normal mummy full of love, longing and fury at the bloody unfairness of it all.

You are NOT on your own


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## PocketRocket

Oh Katie :0(

I've just read your post and I'm on my phone so I can't send you those animated hugs but you know that this message is full of them for you.

I hope you are feeling a little better this morning but I'd imagine you'll still be feeling low and emotionally drained. 

I totally understand where you're coming from and as I read your post I literally went through all those uncomfortable feelings with you :0(

You know you're not alone - we're all here.

Lots and lots of love xxxxx


----------



## Katie4

Thanks so much. I'm ok I promise, slightly embarrassed about my post but probably better out than in! 

Hugs x


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## chrisgib

Oh Katie,          

It's all so unfair. You have every right to be angry, upset etc. I hope that DH will come to his senses.

   

Christine
xxx


----------



## aurelia

Katie I really feel for you   You did amazingly well to get through that dinner and it's totally the right thing to get your feelings out too. I hope you are feeling better today and that you and DH can sort things out     

aurelia x x x


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## janinec

I usually just lurk these days, but katie, I just had to post to say you are sooooo not on your own, I have been in that situation so many times, and would go home and cry to my partner who so doesn't get it, and I would wish I would never have to see any of those "smug" mummies again, but kept meeting them for my daughters social life ! and a little bit down the line I have some genuine friends out of those mummies who have gone on to have number two and three, and some who we have drifted apart because the infertility issue I'm sure. It just causes me to blow cold sometimes when I am hurting inside and being self defensive, and this has led me to lose some "friends" along the way.
Take Care katie x x x


----------



## Katie4

Thank you so much for all ur lovely support. Don't think my dh is awful, hes just got himself in a pickle debating this one! We had a big chat about it all last night and although he couldn't say for definite let's try again I think I will know one way or the other by 31st may. Fingers and toes crossed! 

On phone so will pop back for personals tonight x


----------



## Katie4

Btw, janiec- your post made me think about my mummy friends and I saw some in a new light. They don't know the details of our fert issues but know there was something as I've always been very empathetic about those who have struggled ( one of whom was an announcer on thur) but on thur did let slip a comment about talking to a fert nurse and not ovulating which I wish I hadn't. Ah well. X


----------



## Kuki2010

Katie,
You are not own your own. I don't write in this thread before but just wanted to come and give my support to you..
I have been fighting infertility for 5years now.. And all my family and friends know what we are going through.. And got to say some just insensitive adn not able to comprehend does not matter what they see or hear from us.. 
I really hope DH will come around and you will have your second or third baby with not much struggle..
Hanging in there.. The infertility is a time.. We will live through it and we will come out of the other end some how.. Some will be with babies some not but some how some time we will be happy again.. 
Love. Kukixx


----------



## janinec

what was the new light you saw them in Katie, just out of interest ? xx


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## Katie4

Gosh, am so touched by all your support, especially those of you who perhaps normally read rather than posting. Thanks girls. JanineC and Kuki - hope you will stay with us now you've posted. 


In answer to your question Janine; I looked at them all and thought about the things that have happened since we all became friends in Spring 2009 (including my Dad dying, one of the girls having a stilbirth, one of them having another baby and getting married) when we all had 3 month olds and I came to the conclusion that some I spend time with because I really like them and would be friends with them regardless of our children (only 1 out of 6 - the girl who had a stilbirth), then there are those I like to see on outings but I'm not actually "friends" with them (2 out of 6) and then there are those who I'm not actually bothered about seeing but it's fine if we do. Also, when I looked, I realised how much effort I make with friends and how that isn't often reciprocated and although that wouldn't normally bother me at the moment while I'm a bit fragile I think I need to be careful who I spend time with and how I invest my energy. (Sorry if that's a bit deep!) 



Now then, personals. Let's catch up and re-group.   


Pocket, how is the injecting going? Are you off for Easter hols at the mo? 


Notty, your first scan is this week right?


Lyns, not heard from you for a while sweetie, hope your appointment went well before Easter and the new house is all you hoped. 


Chris, have you booked your hols? How is H's chicken pox? 


Loulou, thanks for your support. How are things for you right now?


Aurelia, am loving how organised your DH is. Hope your little L is being a good girl. Are you BF at the mo? 


Right, will look forward to all your posts and catching up. Kuk and Janine, let us know how you are doing too. 


Katie x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everybody   
Welcome Janine and Kuki - do keep in touch on this thread   
Chris, Loulou, Lyns, Aurelia, Katie -   
Just a quickie from me...
Injecting going ok thanks - sporting a rather attractive purple bruise on my stomach at the moment    and still waiting for AF to arrive    Always makes me laugh how during tx you're desperate for it to arrive    the irony, hey?! Have got scan booked for Wed (the nurse pre-booked it for me this time round whereas last time I just called up when AF made an appearance   ) but think I will call them up tomorrow and let them know AF hasn't 'fully arrived' and maybe they will change it. Been feeling quite positive following my acu session last Thurs but the anxiety of late AF (although normal on the buserelin I know - but you all are familiar with the irrational stress and fear that comes with tx   ) is playing on my mind and making me feel a bit apprehensive again   
Oh the joys    
Hope you have all enjoyed the long holiday weekend? Did you all watch the wedding?!
PR xxx


----------



## louloumay

Morning everyone,

I hope you don't mind a 'me' post? I need a bit of FF  

The usual stuff, spent the weekend surrounded by pg women. Saturday, at a kids birthday party and Sunday at my brother-in-laws birthday BBQ. I thought I handled it ok. I even had baby-name chats with them. Then I dreamt about pregnant women both nights and can't stop thinking about it all again. I really thought I was getting somewhere with it all, my mood had picked up and I was starting to feel motivated again. I feel like I'm back to square one now, I just want to stay in bed. I'm missing out on my LO. I've lost a year of her life being obsessed with having another. It's not fair on her. I feel so guilty.

I'm so sick of it. Sorry guys, for whining on. I hope you are all feeling ok. Do you feel any better Katie?  

I'm sorry you are feeling a bit anxious Pocket, sending you  

Hope your little bean is doing well Notty, please don't lose touch with us. Yours is about the only pregnancy I can feel happy about. It's nice to not feel like an evil, bitter, jealous cow now and then!

Hi to Christine, Lyns, Janinec, Kuki and Aurelia xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Katie4

loulou, you poor thing. You are not missing out on your LO, I can guarantee you will smile and laugh every day at their gorgeous little antics, it's just this cloud is hovering over you and understandably so. The uncertainty is a killer. I too dreamt about being pregnant over the weekend, I was due to deliver and my best friend, who has just emigrated, appeared in the delivery suite and said she was moving back to the Uk as her ex had called and wanted to give it another go. Wishful dreaming on both counts!

And, like you, I feel nothing but happiness for ladies on here who get pregnant. I think I find the hardest thing the fact that people seem to take it all for granted and assume it's as easy as just having sex to get pregnant.   

I'm being optimistic (stupid?!) today......when we talked over the weekend I said to DH that should we decide not to give up and to start trying again on our own I would need to monitor my cycle and so how would he feel if I did my temp charting. He said he'd prefer me to do it in secret!     So as the beeping of the thermometer is a dead giveaway I've ordered some OPKs (although in truth I like to do both as the positive OPK is then supported by a rise in temp but I suppose I'll have to give in on that one). I feel sick and excited at the same time and may be being a fool as this could all come to nothing in 4 weeks time. I've also said he could take his vits while we decide (although he had a high temp and was ill about 2 weeks ago so I suspect that will have had a negative effect). 

Sorry to ramble and sending huge hugs to you Loulou and anyone else feeling sad today. x x x


----------



## Notty

Hi girls

I just want to say thank you so much for all your messages of support. I really do apologise about my lack of personals but I have been trying my best not to think about it all too much as I have been finding the wait for my scan so so hard. My scan is today at 1.30pm and I am terrified!! I promise to let you know how it goes and to catch up with you all soon. You really are such a great bunch of ladies.

Notty xxx


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Katie, It always helps to virtually verbalise it to people that understand.

Sounds like a step forward with your DH to me, funny he wants you to monitor your cycle in secret. Men!  

Good luck for today Notty!    . I shall be constantly checking for news. Please don't keep us in suspense!


----------



## Katie4

Oh Notty, we have all been there sweetie, in fact I'm all goosebumpy at the thought. You will probably be off to the hosp soon (I always leave loads of time as parking at ours is a nightmare!) so take a deep breath and off you go   

Make sure your bladder is full and good luck, sending you         

Loulou, glad I make you feel like you aren't alone. Think the secret monitoring is to do with him not feeling the pressure to say yes. (As if I would pressure him...moi?!  )


----------



## louloumay

Pressure? Don't know the meaning of the word. I prefer to call it gentle persuasion.


----------



## Katie4

Dare I ask but how are you getting on "gently pursuading" your fella?


----------



## Notty

Hi girls,

Not had a chance to read back but wanted to share our news. I am happy to say that our scan showed that we are expecting identical twins, so one of the embryos has split. If any of you who know happy stories of identical twins I would love to hear them. Thanks for all your support girls xxx


----------



## Katie4

OMG Notty!!!!! that is fantastic news!!!!

* 
CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS NOTTY!
*


----------



## Tillypops

Notty, get yourself over to the Twins board and ask all the questions you want!! (Not that you can't stay here too, but you know what I mean!)!

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=152.0

Tilly
xxxx


----------



## ♥ Bambi ♥

Notty   and wow to identicle twinnies! You give me such hope x

Im Bambi btw, reading your thread has been such a support for me, knowing im not alone having 'failed' to create a sibling yet 

About to have a FET. So nervous 

Thanks again for being here girls, for sharing your thoughts and understanding...

x Bam


----------



## chrisgib

Wow Notty - congratulations!  Whilst I joked about twins, I never predicted ID twins - that throws everyone off the treatment scent very nicely!!  Really happy for you. Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy.   

Katie - what a rollercoaster you're on. I've been using a clearblue fertility monitor which I would really recommend - it's like an advanced OV tester. Last year I got pregnant on the 2nd month which was our first ever natural BFP. Maybe if' I'd used one of these 10 years ago I wouldn't be in this pickle!! It also satisfies those who like to wee on a stick.   

Loulou - please don't beat yourself up. I can't take away the guilt but it strikes me that this motherhood lark is designed to make us feel guilty no matter what we do or don't do. We're all doing the best for our LO's and that includes trying our utmost to have a sibling for them.   

Pocket - glad you're seeing the funny side of tx and that the injections are going well. Not long now till stimming, and that's when the fun really starts.

Hi to everyone else, and welcome to the new joiners, great (you know what i mean) to see you!

AFM, pox is over and we're back in social circulation again. We did get away lightly and I'm very thankful for that. Today was my second day looking after my friends 8 month old baby (I have her one day a week). This time Holly was well prepared and was a little angel, until it got to the afternoon and she didn't have an opportunity for a nap - it all went a be pear shaped then with both of them screaming at me - I'm just covered in snot and tears! Oh well, it was still an improvement on last time. My double buggy was broken today which didn't help as we were housebound, so couldn't even walk her to sleep. Felt too guilty to drive around for an hour like I usually do with her. (What was I saying earlier about guilt - I'm now feeling guilty about a baby that isn't even mine.  )

I'm in my first month of the CBFM - so keen to see if it's worked this month. Not really a proper month for me though as I haven't had an AF yet since the ectopic. Never mind - worth a try!

Love to you all, you really are a great bunch.   

Christine
xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Wow Notty!   What fantastic news! You give us all hope so please do keep us informed of your progress. Best of luck to you and your double miracle!
Hi Bambi - welcome to the thread   
Everyone else -   
Sorry for the lack of personals but have been reading your posts all day... feeling exhausted after work today - goodness knows why.. I've had two one day weeks - next week will kill me   
AFM, called the clinic about AF and told them  I was only spotting as yet and no real bleed (sorry if TMI) and they cancelled my scan tomorrow and said to ring when AF arrives properly. So feeling a little anxious still and paranoid that the drugs aren't working/my AF is never going to arrive/all tx will have to be cancelled   ... despite recalling that last time my AF was late and especially light   
Ah well... maybe I'll feel better tomorrow!
Love to you all   
PR xxxx


----------



## aurelia

Massive congratulations Notty!!!!   So pleased for you x x x Do you think you'll find out their sex or will you have a (another!) double surprise?

Katie - Yes I am still BF, plan to til Lanora's 1 and then wean her off me and onto regular milk with her cup. We tried bottles of expressed milk and she hates the actual bottle so it's boob or cup for her with no middle ground. I love BF though and as she gets closer to her birthday I do think I might do it a bit longer, if we weren't going for FET then I would do it til she self-weaned but I think having a sibling nearer her own age to play with will be more beneficial than a few extra months of bf. None of these decisions are easy though are they   I'm glad you have made some headway with your DH, maybe he is just really scared of going through it all again?

Pocket - Hope you do have a better day tomorrow and your AF gets going properly. I injected buserelin too so completely empathise with how it can mess everything up, and I was exhausted all through tx without even having to work so you are doing very well!

Loulou - Really feel for you being surrounded by pg women, my DH came home from work today with news that one of the women there is pg now and even though I don't ever see her I found it a bit hard to deal with, and felt really stupid for feeling that way.

Christine - Good luck with the CBFM, would like to know how you get on with it as if we aren't successful with our FET we'll try the natural route again. I've only used the temperature charting before.

Bambi - hello and welcome   

Hello to everyone else too, hope you all have a good week. We are doing ok here, Lanora has learned to pull herself up to standing in her cot which is incredibly clever but also slightly scary too, she is growing up far too fast for my liking! Also I went in the bank today to check that the new account we set up for tx is actually getting the money transferred in and saw that my DH has named the bank transfer Fridgeler (our name for our snowbaby) and nearly started crying in the bank! Funny how things can be so suddenly overwhelming but in a good way, makes a welcome change   

aurelia x x x


----------



## louloumay

Oh Notty! What absolutely wonderful news  . I bet that was a bit of a shock! Sending you   for your nerves and    for a healthy, stress free pregnancy.

Pocket, hope you are feeling better today and getting on top of those (very normal) doubts.  

Chris, sound like you are having lots of fun   childminding! Are you doing it 'officially' or just helping her out. I'm thinking of doing it full time. Glad your LO is feeling better, mine hasn't had the pox yet......I'm dreading it! Good luck with CBFM  

Katie, how are you? In answer to your question.........I hadn't mentioned it to him for a while as he becomes quite anxious about it, so when I did, it turns out he thought  my silence meant he was off the hook and I'd gone off the idea . I asked him outright a couple of days ago and he said it was up to me, and I said (obviously) that I wanted to do it. He didn't say much but didn't sink into the depths of despair so I'll take that as a positive step. However ( ) My mum has offered to pay for this cycle, as we have absolutely no money, and I'm not that comfortable with it as she doesn't have a lot herself. Don't know what to do really........... 

Anyway, back to the personals........

Hi  Aurelia, I think you are very sensible weaning LO at around one year. I long term breastfed and given my age I now wish I had stopped sooner to have my FET cycle, I may not have been in the pickle I'm in now. Good luck though, it's hard weaning when you love bf!  

Bambi, welcome , good luck with FET, it's much shorter and easier than a fresh cycle, you'll be fine. 

Hi Tillypops, hope you are well  

Lyns, Janinec, Kuki   

Thanks everyone for your kind messages re the weekend and inevitable guilt. I'm better now the alcohol has been fully purged from my system. It's such a depressant, I always forget!


----------



## Katie4

Wow there are loads of us now!!

Let's see if I can keep up:

Pocket, has AF properly arrived yet? Typical, the one time you want it it takes its time!

Loulou, wow that is massive progress and as for your Mum, imagine if your LO wanted or needed something, you would do everything in your power to give it to them, and would get pleasure and a massive sense of relief from knowing they were happy. So, what I'm trying to say is, allow her to be your Mum and to give you this. Imagine how happy she would be to have another grandchild. 

Chris, I think you should sell the CBFM, I want one now.    However, until Dh puts his neck on the line and says yes I will have to pacify myself with a 20 pack of CB digital OPKs! (Arrived this morning - so much cheaper per test than the 7 pack!) I reckon that should last me about 4 or 5 months as my cycles are reasonably regular (when they want to be!) And yes, I love all the monitoring   if there was a SA I could do at home I'd have DH giving me samples all the time   

Bambi - when is your FET? 

Lyns - what did the clinic say hun? How's the house?

Aurelia - it's exciting and scary when they learn things like that! NG was the same regarding a bottle, sips from a cup or boob, that was it. So I BF for 13 months. 

Kuki and Janine - don't stop posting, we want to hear from you   tillypops are you our Mod? Join in too, the more the merrier, we need all the support we can get!

AFM, well am trying not to get excited as DH could say no...let's hope he doesn't. 26 days max till he makes his decision. (Can you tell I love tickers, and charting and all that stuff?!  )


----------



## louloumay

Thanks Katie, you always say all the right things  

Fingers crossed for the end of the month  

love to all xxxxxxx


----------



## aurelia

Hi ladies, hope you have all had a good day   x x x

Katie, did you choose to stop bf or did your LO self-wean? And I'm totally with you on the charting and tickers, got to have fun with it some how!


----------



## Katie4

Aurelia we did a bit of both I think! In that I know by the time she was one I was down to just a 5am feed and I'd stopped the bedtime one  at 11 months as she kept falling asleep on the boob and it was time for her to learn to sleep without it and she didnt notice. Then I knew the 5am one was giving her little more than comfort as my period has come back but it made life easy as she snuggled back down till 7 after it so I kept going but then at 13 months exactly she woke up at 6.30am instead of 5am and that was it, we went straight to breakfast and she never asked for it.  


Am sat with a large glass of wine watching corrie with my toes crossed - I've had an incident with a chenile blanket and my washing machine - we used it on a picnic so I needed to wash it, did think twice but then thought sod it, it's so old I don't care if it's not the same afterwards except then my machine had an error code, and when I looked I saw it was half full of purple water and fluff! I've evacuated what was left of the blanket, then, with a weaning spoon I got some more out (the soggy fluff went in between the drum and the seal  ) and then I sieved the water that was left in it to get most of the rest. I then decided that as it seems to disperse in water to run a quick cycle to see what happens - we could be facing a tsunami in the utility but as we had a leaky washing machine at Christmas and already have a ruined floor what's the worse that can happen  


Oh and DH and I are both really tired so agreed at 7 it was best if we avoided one another as we'll only row so he's been in his office playing computer games and hasn't a clue. 


Cheeky....shall I check or just sit here happy and ignorant?!


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## Katie4

ignorance was bliss, had to continue with the weaning spoon and sieve and can see I'll be doing it again in a few mins....


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## PocketRocket

Hi chicks   

Katie - your post made me laugh    That sounds like something I would do! I'd play ignorant for as long as you possibly can! I'm sure if the WM was ruined then your home insurance could cover it!?? 

Notty - How are you doing? Has it all sunk in yet?!    Do keep us informed of your progress.. you are our inspiration!!

Bambi - Welcome to the thread    All the best for your FET    When is it all happening?

Chris - Glad the pox has left your household! Does your LO have any scars? Your childminding stories make me laugh    Forgive my ignorance.. but it took me a while to work out what 'CBFM' was!!    I remember seeing those for sale when DH and I were TTC naturally (before we realised we'd need tx) and wondered how they work exactly?!?! Is it really bad that I don;t know the details?!

Louloumay - Sorry to hear you had a rubbish weekend    Bloody fertile people    ...    Hope you are feeling better? Don't feel guilty about wanting to have another. We all know how that feels and it is nothing to feel bad about. And you haven't neglected your LO and missed out on a year of her life obsessing. It's only because you have enjoyed her so much that you are desperate for all those wonderful feelings again. We are all in exactly the same place as you are my lovely   

Aurelia -  Hope you're doing ok    Your reference to transferring money for number 2 made me smile.. we too have a 'Bubba No. 2 account'! We borrowed money for our first tx from my MIL and when we paid her back each month, we called the payment 'Project Baby H' (our surname begins with an 'h'!) - hence our LO was called Baby H until we met him   

Lyns -    How is the new house? I assume you have moved by now?

Kuki, Janine   

AFM - DH has had a day off work today but has spent most of it in bed with man flu.. it seems that a most terrible strain is going around right now    To be fair to him, he isn't normally ill and certainly doesn't spend the day in bed so I have played nurse and mother today    Not sure I could do another day of it though    
AF finally arrived after I called the clinic on Wednesday morning to ask them whether I should book my scan or just wait.. It came about two hours after I'd had an acupuncture session so maybe the needles worked their magic    So got scan on Monday morning.. typical as that's one of my work days    We've got a new headteacher and although she seems very approachable, I'm not quite ready to share our current 'project'    with her just yet! I have emailed to tell her that I will be out for an hour for a hospital appointment (luckily my clinic is literally a one minute drive from my school!) so hopefully that'll suffice for now. Fingers crossed that if we get to EC/ET that they will be on one of my days off.. if not, I may have to spill the beans...   

Lots of Love to you all my FFs


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## louloumay

Hi Pocket, it's difficult to know when to 'share' isn't it. I'm sure your headmistress will fall over herself to accomodate you if you tell her, but it's not the first thing you want to fess up when you haven't known someone long, is it?   Good luck for monday  
Oh and I am feeling much better, thanks  

Katie, I'm afraid I also laughed at your misfortune, but as you wrote it in such a funny way I'll blame you.....much as your DH will when he discovers the purple fluffy soggy truth   In fact he'll probably think you did it on purpose to get a new washing machine. You didn't did you?! Washing machines are fairly cheap these days  

Love to all xxxx

sorry Katie did that sound mean? I don't think it did, I think I just need to go to sleep now


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## Katie4

Loulou, don't worry it was intended to make you all smile and distract you from real life! The saga hasn't ended yet- two more washes last night, another two this morning and the purple fluff, my weaning sPoon and the sieve and I are still fully acquaintEd with one another! Am hoping I just need to be patient - the machine is only 4 months old! 

Pocket it's a tricky one and having been on the end of discrimination while I was pregnant  I'd be tempted to keep quiet for as long as you can- but hopefully your boss is nice and reasonable or even better lovely and understanding x

More personals later- off to don my rubber gloves and put my head in the washing machine ;-)


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi guys,

How are you all? I tried desperately to get on here last night but couldn't get the website up for some reason? In desperate need of some FF    so apologies in advance for the 'me' post...

LO has been a nightmare with his sleeping lately and for about the last week and a half, DH and I have been up for at least two hours every night at about 1am... he just doesn't want to be on his own. So am shattered constantly which doesn't help as you know    Turned up at work today to find out that in addition to my scan that I had to sneak out for, I am expected to go to a staff meeting tonight but I have arranged an acupuncture appointment so have had to rearrange childcare etc to fit around that impromptu surprise, but most of all, have had scan this morning and my lining is still too thick so have got to DR for ANOTHER week    I've been DRing for 2.5 weeks as it is.... just want to get onto stimming! That means EC is now provisionally booked for week beginning 30th May... the week we were supposed to be going to Cornwall as I thought tx would be over by then      The good thing is that it is my half term so fingers crossed (if we get that far   )  EC/ET might be that w eek so I shouldn't in theory have to take any time off work... but seeing as the dates for this cycle have all gone tits up so far, I might be a little premature in assuming that   

Am sat here at work frantically typing away to offload to you guys before my next teaching session starts.. all I  want to do is  cry      

Sorry to whinge and be so dramatic but am feeling so defeatist today...    Really not sure I have the strength in me to to do this again... I just can't seem to feel positive about anything    It's awful.

Hope you are all ok though - thanks for reading my moany post.. if you have been brave enough to get this far   

Oh, and I forgot - to top it off... a while ago I read an article in Mother and baby magazine about an  IVF baby... it really touched me so I emailed in and explaine dour situation and how i felt about it tx. The journalist emailed back saying it was a lovely letter and she sould pass it onto the lady who the article was written about. I didn't think it would be published as she said this - besides, I would have asked to withhold my details otherwise. Lo and behold, I open &B mag thi month to find my letter AND details printed on one of the first pages!!!!!!!!! If I didn't want people to know we were infertile... well, they do now!! We have an unusual surname so it is ssooooooo obvious it is me. I am such a dick    Don't know whether to laugh or cry!

Gotta run..

PR xxxx


----------



## aurelia

Oh PR poor you what a day you're having, sending you massive   

Sorry to hear that you have to DR for another week, it's so demoralising when tx dates change as the time seems to go so slowly as it is. At least you will have a better chance of success if your body is fully ready, although I know it's so hard to put a postive spin on things when you're pumped full of hormones not to mention the lack of sleep. You are doing amazing though and we are all here for you   

As for the magazine article, you might find that no-one you know reads it anyway and even if they do then it could only make them admire you more   

Will pop back later to catch up better as my little helper has just woken from her nap!


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## chrisgib

Goodness Pocket, I don't know where to start - no wonder you're feeling stressed.

Let's start with the 'easy' bit - treatment. You are defo strong enough to see it through, you've done it before, successfully I might add, and you can do it again. Positive cycles are never straightforward, but keep positive and before you know it you'll be stressing in the 2ww!   

As for the magasine - that's a bit naughty of them not to clarify it's use, and if they knew what a hormonal being you are at the moment, they wouldn't have risked upsetting you. Personally i'd drop them an email and give them a roasting - but I like doing snotagrams - might make you feel better too. Saying that, no one really reads past the headlines in these things, just deny it if anyone asks you - it's none of their business.

As for the sleep thing - sounds like your LO is a bit like mine. Holly wakes half way through the night, and I tend to just get in to her bed (she's now in the double bed, more for my convenience than hers). But even then, she puts a hand or a leg out every half hour or so to check I'm still there. Think I've made a rod for my own back but hey, it's the best way for us all to get some sleep. It's a phase, and before long she won't want me close to her so I'm making the most of it. Ignore what the books say - just follow your gut instinct.

Hope teaching this afternoon has been a good distraction - are you having to sniff mid lesson?!  Sorry - shouldn't laugh - kids must think you're glue sniffing. I thought I saw kids gluesniffing outside TK maxx at the weekend - turns out they were gluing on their comedy moustaches with UHU!

My reply would have been much sooner today, but Holly decided to help herself to the calpol while my back was turned this morning. Thankfully most was on the floor but she said she'd eaten some too. It was only out because my friend had used it for her baby this morning. Either she didn't put the top on properly, or Holly has leaned to undo them. Either way, one of us should have put it out of reach. 

Hope your day gets better Pocket - I really feel for you dealing with all this.   

Take care.

Christine
xxx


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## Notty

Pocket-Just wanted to say I really know how hard it is to be told you need to DR for another week. On my last tx the same happened to me after 2.5 weeks and I cried at the thought of DR for another week. I felt stupid but really couldn't put it into perspective. A week later after 3.5 lovely weeks of DR all was fine. My DH is a teacher and it ended up falling at a much better time in terms of holidays so maybe these things happen for a reason. As Chris said positive cycles are never straight forward. I am doing Ok thanks. I will keep you udated. xxx


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## louloumay

Oh dear Pocket, sounds like you really are having a rubbish day  , being tired all the time really puts the mockers on any day let alone a bad one. I finally gave up trying to get LO to sleep in her own bed yonks ago. I think it's really natural for children to want to be near their mummy (or daddy) at night. After all, it wasn't that long ago they were seriously at risk of being eaten by wolves!  . Like Chris says, trust your instints on that one.

As for the DR, It is a nightmare trying to fit tx in around everything else, It REALLY doesn't help when the dates change. That said, you'll look back in a few weeks and wonder what all the fuss was about. You WILL get through it  

Now to the magazine thing. You are not a dick! They definitely should have made it clear they were going to print, especially as it is about something so incredibly personal. I'd be absolutely furious and would fire off a 'snotogram' (like that a lot Chris!) ASAP.  It's not something you need right now is it? I'm sure the others are right, no-one will read it anyway. Try not to worry about it.

Sending you lots of   and  

Chris, it's so easy for things like that to happen isn't it. I'm amazed my LO is relatively unscathed at the end of each day with me for a mother..... so many near misses. Can't believe I'm even considering looking after someone else's.


Hope you and beany are feeling well Notty.

Katie, how are you?

Aurelia, Lyns, Bambi  

I think FF must have crashed last night, I couldn't get it to load either pocket.


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## Katie4

Oh pocket, what a crappy day! I'd def give the magazine a total bollo*king - they've breached data protection! As for dr for another week- think about it this way- if it all works out ok it means your LOs birthday and your due date will be that bit later after Christmas which is always a bonus? Also have u got hol insurance? If so, you could ask your clinic to write a note so you are cancelling for medical reasons and may get a refund? 

Back later x


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## PocketRocket

Oh girls - thank you so much    I knew I could rely on you all to make me feel better! I really needed that... thank you   

Just read back on my post - you really did catch me at a bad time    You are all right though.. in a few weeks it won't matter (hopefully!) and yes, things do happen for a reason. Good things come to those who wait, hey?!   Your idea about holiday insurance also made me put it into perspective, Katie - we are actually very lucky that we are renting a place from a friend and cancelling really shouldn't be a problem or cost us anything. So maybe it was meant to be    

I felt loads better after seeing my little man and giving him a big snog    and a lovely cuddle from my DH helped massively too   

I also thought that your idea of a snotogram    was a great idea... so I have drafted one and sent it off with a very vicious tapping of the enter key    I am living in hope that I shall receive £1,000,000 worth of Mothercare vouchers by way of an apology... so if that's the case, we'll all meet up and I'll treat you     

Thank you also for the advice about your LOs and their sleeping habits.. he is shattered tonight and I am hoping that a day at the childminder's with only 50 minutes sleep since 6.45am will encourage him to sleep through because I really need a decent night's sleep to cope with the day   

Thanks again for your words - you are all fab      

Pocket xxx


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## louloumay

Glad you're feeling better PR  

Notty, how could I forget. I should have said 'BeanyS'


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## Katie4

Right, trying to catch up. 

Chris - the term Snotogram should be in the dictionary, it is brilliant. I am going to tell my sister as the two of us complain a lot!  

Loulou, so have you taken things any further forward re-treatment

Lyns - are you OK hun? I'm worried you've got buried under a load of boxes in your new place. 

Notty - how's things? Are you totally exhausted yet? 

Pocket, hope you had a better night. It's a tricky one as to tackle the challenge of night time antics you need to have slept well to brave the rough nights so it's a catch 22 situation. What happens if you leave him? Or if you go in, sniggle him back down and then walk out?  We had a terrible time (well I did) with NG until she was about 13 months but since then, other than when she's poorly we don't usually hear from her in the night. We did have to leave her to cry though which was tough but she quickyl learnt - and that was mainly at bedtime rahter than in the night although I'm sure she cried in the night at first too. Any idea why the middle of the night? Is it just for cuddles or a wet nappy, or cold, hot, thirsty?


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## PocketRocket

Katie - I think LO is just waking up for cuddles. He doesn't seem to be in pain or anything else. When we make the fatal mistake of picking him up for a cuddle, he falls asleep on us, then no sooner have we lowered him into his cot, he starts kicking and screaming    and won't stop until we either put him in bed with us or keep cuddling him. He's always been a really good sleeper so it's weird that he should start this now. I can't see any pattern to it either in terms of whether he's had too much/too little sleep during the day; whether he goes to bed later/earlier... he does sometimes kick off when we put him down at bedtime/naptimes during the day but we leave him to cry, go in and settle him once or twice and then he knows we won't go in again so eventually drops off to sleep. But as you all know, leaving a LO to cry and scream at 2am isn't the easiest thing to do when all you need is sleep too!!

Hope you are all ok?   

Had an email back from M&B magazine and it was very apologetic and very gracious - no £1,000,000 worth of vouchers though    so maybe next time   

DH is out on a work do tonight and F was so exhausted from the childminder that he went to sleep on time (guessing I'll pay later   ) so I have enjoyed a nice relaxing bath, my dinner in peace and quiet and am looking forwatd to watching a bit of trash on the TV before I retire to my bed with my latest chick lit book    Happy days... need to chill after a frubbish day yesterday (frubbish = f?!*ing rubbish btw   )

Lots of Love to you all - love having you guys to chat to   
 
Pocket xxxx


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## louloumay

Just a quicky.

I'm loving the new additions to my (limited) vocabulary. 'frubbish'! Brilliant  

Pocket, it just occurred to me. Your LO may be reaching some sort of milestone, apparently babies do become fretful and sleepless during these developmental stages. Can't remember where I read that but it seemed to make sense when my LO was that age.

Fingers crossed you get a good nights sleep tonight  

Katie, I am taking DHEA and hoping DP doesn't chicken out at the last moment. Hoping to go ahead august with a new clinic. And you? The end of the month is looming, how are you feeling about it?

love to all


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## Katie4

Oh Pocket, that is tough and your LO is very clever   (NG knows to shout that she needs a wee as soon as she gets put in the naughty corner!  ) - all jokes aside, what Loulou said makes sense. It could be he's practising something or other in his sleep and keeps waking up as a result. Hope you had a terrific night last night, it sounded devine!! DH is out tonight and although I still have the same things to do that I do every night it somehow feels like my night off?!  


Loulou, wow, August will be here before you know it. Have you contacted your new clinic? Did they suggest August or is that when you would prefer it? 


I'm getting scared and having doubts about TTC again. Is it right for us as a family? Is it right for NG? What if I actually manage to get pg and then end up on crutches at week 15 (I was on crutches from week 37 last time and in agony - it was hellish which is why I've been going to bums tums and thighs -  a killer class to strengthen my abs, bum and legs to try to limit the severity next time), how will trying again affect me? I don't feel "healthy" enough to TTC.  AF is due any day now and then in theory we could be ttc this cycle even though I'll ovulate technically in May (!although DH still hasn't said yes definitely!  )  I'm getting in a bit of a tizzy! We keep asking NG if she would like me to have a "tummy baby" and she says yes more than no and asks for a sister. gulp. But every time DH gives me any positivity my tummy lurches and I feel all warm and fuzzy. 


Not even sure I can post this, it's too scary and too out in the open, even though I don't know who you all are. OMG I'm rambling like a looney. 


Hugs to you all, my fertility friends... x


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## PocketRocket

Hi girls,

Loulou - Yes, I think you may be right about the whole 'milestone' thing. Lots of articles I have read mention this 'separation anxiety' thing and he has been a little more clingy than normal lately. I kind of figured that it might be showing more when he is in his cot at night    Does that make sense?! He kicked off again last night at about 11.30pm but luckily I had managed to get a couple of hours sleep in beforehand and maternal instinct woke me up 20 minutes before so I was fully prepared    We let him cry last night which was hard    and it still took 2 hours for him to settle    but we have decided to stick with it for the time being!!

Katie - I understand your anxiety about TTC again. It's so hard   And you're not   ... No more than the rest of us anyway    I hope you don't mind me saying this, but do you think you would be having these doubts if your DH wasn't apprehensive about TTC? I find that if I am surrounded by negativity then I eventually start to feel like that too. And having read your post made me realise that I too feel a little similar to you. I desperately want another baby and I don't want to tempt fate by saying this but I do worry if we are causing ourselves a massive upheaval by going through tx again. What will happen if it doesn't work? How will that affect us as a family? Indeed, what will happen if it DOES work?! But I know that if somebody said to me that I couldn't go through tx again and have the opportunity of providing a sibling for F, I would be a broken woman. How would you feel if someone said that to you? What do you think your reaction would be? (I don't mean to sound like a counsellor there but it helped me to sort my thoughts!!) I think these confusing feelings are all part of self-preservation - IF is a frigging hard journey that no one else can appreciate    As for the whole crutches thing... you'd do it - easily. It'd be hell, yes, but look at what you get at the end of it   

Lots of Love to you all xxxx


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## louloumay

I agree with Pocket Katie, I had all those doubts too and I think we do unconsciously assimilate other peoples negative opinions. It throws us off balance and we start to question ourselves and imagine obstacles. Sometimes, if I can't make my mind up about something, I toss a coin and watch out for my reaction to the outcome. If it's tails and I feel uplifted then I go with it, if I feel deflated then I don't! Trust what your body tells you, warm and fuzzy is a definite yes!   Ng will be fine whatever happens because she is so loved, and of course you would manage, even on crutches! 

Pocket, I admire you for letting him cry. It does work in the end, my sis did sleep training successfully. I couldn't do it, too much of a wimp.

AFM, I have contacted the clinic, they are a satelite for the London Fertility Clinic, where we had our successful cycle. The clinic set up seems much less like a conveyor belt and more tailored to personal needs. I decided on August to fit it in around our holiday and camping trips. I daren't upset the applecart as far as DP and his time off is concerned. He's so unwilling as it is  

As I snuggled LO down tonight she said ' I love you mummy, I would like you to have a baby', and then she remembered a conversation we had ages ago and said 'but you tried didn't you and you can't'    how frubbish is that.   Bless her  

love to all xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Katie4

Oh loulou, what a lovely and then so sad thing for her to say, let's hope you can change all that. You sound postive about your clinic and that is always a good start. 

Pocket, so it's been over half a week since you were told to carry on DR so give yourself a pat on the back as it is nearly time to start stimming. When is your next scan? Mon? 

Chris, how's the child minding been this week? Is H back to full steam now? Are you guys going away as hoped?

Lyns - not forgotten you hun.   

Aurelia - how are things with you?

Notty, how's being pg with twins suiting you hun? How are you managing with your LO? Do you work?

AFM, on the doubting myself front, it's an odd one. I've done some reflecting and think I have honestly grieved for the whole TTC and potential second baby as I was so sure DH would ultimately say he just didn't want to do it again and I wanted to have a marriage left at the end of this so perhaps that is why I'm now in a different place and seeing things more practically/negatively? Although it was an awful experience it's been valuable as I can now at least understand some of what DH was saying. 

I'm waiting for AF, my cycles can be variable but I was convinced that it would happen last night as I was caught out last month in the middle of the night as I refused to wear a pad because it drives me bonkers when I wake up and it's not been needed - in the sense that I find my cycles so frustrating - it's been 20 years now, you'd think I'd be used to it! Any how, I used a pad and of course it was not needed.   

Had better go and do some work!

Hugs to all, PMT Katie x


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## Katie4

Where is my period!!!!!! Who has it, come on, stop messing me about    

      and


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## aurelia

Katie - LOL   I think the AF fairy must have been diverted to me as mine arrived completely unexpectedly on Sunday, the 2nd I've had now even though I'm still BF. I'm trying to think of it in a positive way even though it's left me feeling completely   all week! 

Loulou - Sounds like the new clinic will be more relaxing for your tx. Hope it all goes well and I feel excited for you already   

PR - The Baby Sleep Book by Sears is an excellent book for sleep and under 5's, and has methods for sleep training without crying if you need an alternative.

We are doing fine, other than the surprise AF as I've already said. It's left me feeling really tired and sore and I've really had to try hard to keep a positive face on it. I had my first period since having Lanora about 7 weeks ago, and my natural cycle is about 5-6 weeks so hopefully even with the BF I might be starting to get back in the swing of things? especially now she's eating solids. I'm very conscious of needing some regular cycles before FET so have kept that in mind as a good thing when I've felt crap this week. And DH brought me home a big bar of Dairy Milk the other night so that helped things along nicely too   We had Sing & Sign class today which was really good, Lanora is taking a lot of notice that we are now doing funny things with our hands as well as talking to her. It'll be so amazing/weird when she starts signing back!

Hello and   to everyone x x x


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## louloumay

God, I am so f*****g premenstrual. I could quite easily murder someone. Preferably DP.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH  

Sorry, had to get that out. Back for personals later.


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## Katie4

Bejaysus what have I started?!   


Still not arrived here. 


Aurelia, NG and I did signing from 5 months and she really started doing it back other than the odd sign at about 14 months and it was absolutely amazing and so valuable over the last 10 months or so as she literally never got frustrated because she could communicate with us. I was always especially proud when she signed please and thank you, although explaining to strangers that she was signing did always worry me in case they thought she was deaf. The signs also come in handy when they learning to speak as often it's not clear and the sign helps things along! NG still signs and says the words now for animals. Try not to worry about AF. It's a good sign all round, it shows your LO is eating well and that your body is getting back to normal. Good on your DH for that dairy milk. 


Loulou I've had an explosion at DH tonight, I know it's mostly PMT and tiredness (both of us on that one) but there were tears (def PMT) in front of NG   and she said "Mummy need cuggle, mummy caying" and she did make me feel much better. That, a magnum, a clean kitchen floor and a glass of wine. 


Oh, dare I mention that he's said he's feeling the pressure of the decision. I've got OPKs in for heaven's sake, he knows this, are we not at the decision?!!!


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## louloumay

How on earth have we all managed to synchronise? 

My cycle has always been a bit odd too, Katie. 24/25 days sometimes. I was most put out when I worked that out as an extra one every nine months! I didn't have one for over 2 years while Bf LO. Bliss! I finally realised what it's like to feel normal all the time. I absolutely hate it.

Glad NG was there with a cuggle for you  Oh and no sympathy for DH feeling the pressure!

I tried the signing too Aurelia, didn't get very far with it as she started talking so early, not that I'm boasting   Can't get her to stop now  

Love to all, roll on AF xxxx


----------



## PocketRocket

Oh girlies!    We are a hormonal bunch today    Am totally with you all - I suffer from terrible PMT and can sympathise muchly! It's made so much worse when I can tell that DH is looking at me as if to say: .Well if you know you are being hormonal - why don't you stop yourself from being hormonal?!'    I shall do an AF dance for all of you   

Loulou - So very sweet what LO said to you the other night re: no. 2 - but geez, what a way to pull at your heartstrings!    Bless her. Your new clinic sounds promising though. How are you feeling about it all?

Aureila - Thanks for the sleep book recommendation. I can't really comment on your AF's arrival as I never BF but perhaps your body just knows that it needs to get ready for your little snow baby   

Katie - Am with Loulou on the lack of sympathy for DH and the pressure!    I think you have been a saint in order to wait for him to make his decision - I think you should start kicking ass, girlfriend   

Chris, Lyns, Notty -   

AFM, getting incredibly frustrated with DRing and am praying we can start stimming after my scan on Monday    I stopped bleeding on Wednesday so I am really hoping that I'm all thinned out    Feels like we have been DRing FOREVER!!!    Still feeling anxious about it all.. BTW do you guys remember getting aches and pains during DRing? I have been getting twinges in my ovaries and a dragging feeling down below..    I can't remember if this happened last time!?! You all know how you become so sensitive to your body's changes during tx...   

 to all my FF xxxxxx


----------



## chrisgib

Hi all,

I got my AF this week too - are we all in synch now?

There's so much going on with everyone, but the one bit I didn't get Katie4 was the clean kitchen floor - how did that happen?! Had to laugh about your DH feeling stressed - ah bless him!

Pocket - has the crying technique worked for you?  I've never been able to do that, but I know I'm paying the price for it though.  I hate the DRing bit - you may remember I had to do it for over a month during my last tx just because the clinic was busy - grrrr. It will be worth it 'when' you get a BFP.    

Aurelia - we did S&S too - loved it. In fact I'm now hoping to take my new 'charge' to it, really just so i can take Holly again as she loved it so much. She's completely addicted to the DVD too. Holly is a relatively late talker so the signing was a godsend. She still does it now for 'sorry' when she's on the naughty step (been on there a lot today!)

Loulou - hold it together hun - have lots of chocolate to get you through, it's better than killing anyone. 

My childminding (that's a grand term for it really, I'm completely unqualified and just looking after my friends 8 mth old baby one day a week - gives me pocket money, but only works out at £4 an hour) went much better this week. Just one half hour session of them both screaming at me, but that was after the nap, so inevitable really. I quite enjoy it really, and it really makes me appreciate 'just' having Holly the rest of the week. I know we all want a second, but just having one is so flexible - trying to start getting my head round this now - will have to face facts at some point I think. Holiday wise it's all looking good!  We're going back to St Ives with friends at the end of this month for a week; then I've just today booked to go to Greece for two weeks in June - a Neilson club with watersports etc and childcare, although I don't believe for a minute that Holly will go in to the kids club. Maybe she'll surprise me when she sees what fun they're having. Either way, it's two weeks of not having to prepare food, wash up, shop etc - oh joy! 

I had a letter today from my clinic in response to a formal complaint that I'd put in. They have apologised and said they've reviewed their procedures - but the letter was really crap and not in the least bit sincere, so not entirely happy with that - but at least I was right and they were wrong.   

Hey ho - DH is out tonight, so I'm having a great evening drinking wine and internet shopping.

 to you all.

Christine
xxx


----------



## louloumay

It's here! It's here! Yippeeeeeeeeee  

Long post later when DP has left the room!


----------



## Katie4

Mines not!


----------



## PocketRocket

Katie.. I must admit, I am getting secretly excited that your AF hasn't arrived yet...


----------



## chrisgib

Katie - go and pee on a stick!


----------



## louloumay

yes do it Katie, I can't believe you haven't already.


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everyone,

Hope you are enjoying your weekends   


Just a quick one - do you remember being particularly psychotic whilst DRing?!    I have just completely lost it! Made LO some lunch and he decided, as one year olds do, that he didn't want it and proceeded to spit it out and throw it on the floor, making a horrendous mess. But nothing out of the ordinary. My response? I screamed, shouted, cried... my head totally came off! I feel so bad    LO didn't blink an eyelid though    Maybe the lack of sleep, hormones, anxiety and headcold I am getting contributed to it   

Katie... has AF arrived yet?!?!!

PR xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Hi - oh Pocket, that sounds totally normal and he won't remember or mind  


And yes, sorry tried to post yesterday and lost it, AF arrived whilst out yesterday. Sorry you all got your hopes up - no chance of surprises here (shrug of shoulders). Will hopefully be a different story in a few weeks - it will be 2ww bonkers time. (DH still troubled by it all bless him but think we are making progress - not sure he realises that BMS is scheduled to start in 10 days!)


Back later x


----------



## louloumay

Oh dear Pocket. poor you. I don't really remember how I felt during DRing, but tix or no tix we all lose the plot sometimes. I certainly do (usually PMT), and always beat myself up about it far too much. It's always over something silly too. It's only a problem if we do it all the time, which I am positive you don't or you wouldn't feel so bad about it now!  

Disappointed AF came Katie, it would have been such a wonderful suprise  , perhaps next month then! Still no sympathy for DH, I'm sure he'll manage the BMS  

Chris, how was the internet shopping? Any bargains? I'm with you on the starting to face facts thing. I'm due to do a childminding course next month with a view to starting in sept with my friends little boy. Good timing really, I'm hoping it will take my mind off things while LO is at 'big school' and my nest is feeling rather empty.

Notty, how are things? any morning sickness yet? Hope you're ok.

Aurelia  

Lyns, where are you?  

Love to all  xx


----------



## aurelia

Hi ladies, hope you have all had a lovely weekend. We had relaxing days but broken nights as Lanora was finding it hard to settle, then waking up all the time for milk. I took her to the Dr this morning as she has also been hitting herself on the face yesterday and he said she has a sore throat and probably a tooth coming through (which will be her first one!) which is why she is hitting her face, to show us it's sore somewhere in there. We are well stocked with Calpol so will have to wait and see. She's happy now though, trying to eat a wooden police car!

Katie - I agree with loulou, I'm sure your DH won't put up too much resistance to the BMS   

Chris and Loulou - What does the childminding course involve? Like how long does it take to do etc? It's something I have thought about as I plan to be at home full-time till Lanora is at school at least and all of my working mum friends are having such trouble finding childminders in our area, they all seem to be 'full'.

PR - hope the hormones are treating you better, I know they made me very short-tempered and emotional. I found acupuncture made a big difference but that was all. Not as bad as my hormones during pg though, I was such an emotional wreck I cried one day because I couldn't open a carton of orange juice   

Notty - hope your twinnies are doing well in there   

Better go and make this girl some lunch before she tries to chomp through any more toys x x x


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi Girls,

Sorry - this is going to be another miserable 'me' post...   

Just had my second DRing scan - basically, my body is doing its own thing! It doesn't seem to have responded to the DRing and the lining is still thick and I still have one follicle    They have given me the release injection to try and break down that egg and I need to carry on with the DRing until my next period comes, when I will go for a scan to see if we can continue with the cycle. So we are back at the beginning basically.   

To say I am gutted would be an understatement. So stressed about it all - my last cycle was so perfect. I guess we were lucky. Really sad today   

Reckon we mmight try to re-book that holiday after all...

Hope you are all ok - sorry for the moan.

PR xxx


----------



## louloumay

Oh that's bad news pocket, you must feel so p****d off. Nothing ever goes to plan with tx does it. I've got to rush off now but I just wanted to give you a virtual  , and share that I remember when our tx was delayed by a month and it felt like the end of the world at the time. It turned out for the best in some ways in the end though, as most things usually do. Hope it does for you    
Back later with some more   

xx


----------



## Katie4

Pocket, am so sorry hun, that's really hard to accept. Allow yourself the time to feel fed up, you'll soon pick yourself up and dust yourself off. So much is invested in each round of treatment and it's soul destroying when things don't go according to plan. 

Sending you huge hugs x x x


----------



## louloumay

Morning ladies,

I'd like a bit of advice please. I've booked a consultation for the beginning of June with a view to have tx in august. I will have been taking dhea for four months by August, as generally reccomended. I'm not really comfortable withholding information, however, I am debating whether to tell the consultant or not. As my last cycle was such an unmitigated disaster, I am of the opinion the dhea is my last hope, but if the consultant says I should stop I know I will have to do as I am told  . My period came 3/4 days early (a 23 day cycle) so I am worried I am ovulating early and that may upset the timing of the tix. Should I wait a month and see if my cycle settles? Will a month be enough for it to leave my system before tx? oh dear.  

What about you guys? Have you picked up a bit pocket? Really feel for you with the delays, it's so frustrating  

Katie, still counting down?  

Aurelia, from what I've read it takes about 3 months to get registered. You have to go on a pre-registration one day course, where they give you all the info you need. Attend a short child care course (which you can do up to 6 months before registration and I think has all the EYFS stuff you need),  a child first aid course, be ofsted inspected and be CRB checked (including people that regularly visit your house). You have to pay for some of it too. Quite a lot do do really!   If you get in touch with your local council or ring the NCMA they can tell you when the next pre-reg course is.

Notty, hope you are ok, would love some good news  

Chris, lyns  

love to all xx


----------



## aurelia

just a quick one as DH is home with migraine.

PR- so sorry your tx is delayed   hope you're feeling better today

loulou - If you google 'DHEA half life' is says that it's about 7-10 hours. There's lots about it so you can find out exactly how long it will take to leave your system but doesn't seem like long.


----------



## Katie4

If it has a half life of ten hrs that means the blood levels will halve in 10 hrs, be down to a quarter in 20 hrs, an eighth in 30hrs, a 16th in 40hrs so as aurelia says, that's quite a short half life so it's cleared quite quickly. I'd not heard of it till you mentioned it Lou, do you think it shortened your cycle or did you start it because it was short? Sorry if they are daft questions! 

Am on phone so can't post properly. Am shattered after long work day :-( was hoping to do something constructive tonight, doubt I'll move from my current reclining position at this rate! 

K x


----------



## louloumay

There is some research that shows it can increase the amount and quality of eggs in women with diminished ovarian reserve. I am sure it is the reason I had a short cycle, no idea why though. Better do some more research. Thanks guys, for the info on the half life of dhea, it's helped me relax about it a little.

xx


----------



## PocketRocket

Hi everybody,


How are you all doing today?


Loulou - Have you decided to tell your consultant about taking the DHEA? I'd not heard of it before but the google search I did came up with mainly results about enhancing quality of eggs in women with diminished ovarian reserve - exactly as you said.


Katie - hope you are feeling more lively today after a good night's sleep!


Aureila, Chris, Lyns -   


Thank you all for your kind messages after my emotional post on Monday    I had a mini breakdown once I got home from work and spent the majority of the evening sobbing    but it's amazing how much better you feel after a good cry! 
I woke up on Tuesday feeling sad, but determined. Realised that I went into this cycle feeling negative, apprehensive and anxious and so if the mindset influences the body then no wonder things aren't going to plan. Decided that whatever will be will be, and this is all happening for a reason.. even if that reason isn't clear right now. We have re-booked our week away, I have made plans to spend time with my friends whenever I can, have got a lovely family weekend ahead of me and am going to stop feeling fed up - I am actually bloody lucky to have a wonderful DH and DS and need to make the most of them    
I knew my attitude had to change when I asked DH how he felt about it all - he said 'I feel guilty that you have to go through all of this because of me.' How can I add to his guilt by being so defeatist and pessimistic? Even if we knew we had IF issues prior to us getting wed, I would still have married him - for better or worse and all that    

Lots of Love to you all xxxx


----------



## louloumay

Oh good for you Pocket, sounds like you've given yourself a good talking to and listened!  

and no, still not decided. Bit confused  

love to all  xx


----------



## chrisgib

Oh Pocket - so good to hear you feeling more positive about it all. It is tough though, don't beat yourself up for having down days/weeks.   

Loulou - if you do talk to your consultant about DHEA I'd be really interested to hear what they say. I asked at my last follow up appointment and it was just brushed off with the normal "there's no evidence to suggest...."  All the information on the web says otherwise!  Also - really interested to hear about your childminding course etc as I haven't done anything as it's just for a friend. No wonder all the authorities are desperately short of childminders. I do watch myself some weeks and think "I'd be struck off by ofsted for doing that...." (don't worry, nothing awful - just shortcut type things which they would probably think are really unhygienic, or leaving her for 2 mins to go the loo etc.)

Aurelia - how's Lanora doing, is that tooth through yet?  

Katie - I was gutted that your AF arrived. Would be lovely for someone on here to have a surprise miracle, although we all examine every twinge so much I'm not sure any of us would count it as a surprise!

Lyns, Notty   

I feel like I've missed someone - apologies.

I've had a good day, didn't let H have a nap today so she's in bed for 7pm so I feel like I've got a whole evening to myself. I've got my follow up appointment on the 1st June so I'm on countdown now for that. But I'm going to St Ives on Sunday for a week, so that will make the time fly, I hope we get lucky with the weather again.  Will feel a bit odd as last time I was there I was (kind of) pregnant.    I've now also received a response to my complaint to the clinic about how I was dealt with. Full of apologies and excuses, but didn't sound very sincere. Hmmm - not impressed, they need to go on a customer care course!

 to you all.

Christine
xxx


----------



## Katie4

Evening, so much to catch up on:


Pocket, told you you would pick yourself up soon enough. Glad you had a good cry, it does release the tension doesn't it? And you are right, it has happened for a reason even if we aren't privy to that reason. Good for you organising lots of nice things to do in the interim whilst everything gets sorted. 


Chris, that feels like it's come round quickly, and am v envious of your week in St Ives, will be heaven rain or shine (although hopefully the latter). As for the childminding course, surely all childminders have to visit the loo?!


Loulou, on the DHEA thing, can I ask, why would you tell the consultant? Is there any evidence to say it interacts with fertility treatment? If not, I'd be tempted to carry on regardless. If you feel it's doing you some good then that is surely the most important thing? I don't think anyone even asked what supplements I was taking and yet I swear that the linseed oil I take every day has helped my cycles enormously. 


Aurelia and Notty and Lyns  


AFM, well I've still not had the official green light from DH although I'm on day 5 now so due to start peeing on a stick late next week. It's a bit odd as I've actually no idea when I ovulate now - I used to have 32 day cycles and ovulated on day 19 or 20 and had a short-ish luteal phase so I'm guessing I'll be doing the same now so don't want to test for LH too early as I'll spend days agonising over the blank face! (Seriously, could they not have a message, like try again tomorrow, rather than an empty face/circle?!) Oh, and I'll probably ovulate in late May and DH said, well I thought you had us starting in June - I told him that that didn't count and if we are doing this it happens now.   


I don't feel broody though girls and I can't imagine myself pregnant.   If I hadn't had that awful evening when the girls announced their pregnancies and I came on here and had a good old uncontrollable sob I'd be doubting myself even more about whether this is the right thing to do. But my absolute honest reaction to their announcements must be how I truly feel? And perhaps I'm protecting myself right now and hiding all those emotions in a box? 


That said I've worked out that if we do start TTC this cycle AF will be due the weekend we have friends to stay (around 11th June) so I've already promised myself I won't test until the Monday (Day 31) assuming AF doesn't come that weekend....   


And so the rollercoaster of self doubt and chaos continues


----------



## PocketRocket

Morning girls   

How is everyone? 

Loulou - Hope you are feeling a bit less confused about everything today? Try not to worry to much (famous last words   ) - something will just click and you will know whether you need to 'spill the beans' or 'keep schtum', I reckon   

Chris - All the best for your follow up appointment    I'm sure your holiday will help take your mind off everything for a bit. I can't wait for our week away - have decided that we are going no matter what   

Katie -    Hope you are feeling ok today. I totally understand your doubts as to whether or not you believe this is the right thing to do. I think I felt the same at the start of our cycle - I knew I wanted another baby but not another lot of tx!! As for not being able to imagine feeling pg again/not feeling broody, don't beat yourself up about this. You have been in limbo for so long, I would imagine you have trained your body into not allowing yourself to feel that way IYKWIM! Perhaps you are subconsciously too frightened to feel broody or imagine yourself pg in case you are disappointed - it's a way of protecting yourself.   

AFM, still trying to stay positive    I have waivered in the last day or so but am not letting myself slip into that oh-so-comfortable-land of negativity! I saw my acupuncturist yesterday and she suggested I try hypnotherapy, just a one-off session. She suggested someone at the Zita West clinic (we saw ZW right at the start of our IF journey) and, while I trust my acupuncturist's recommendation, the session will be £170 (albeit with 20% off) and I'm not sure we can justify paying that alongside everything else we are paying out for at the moment. I will just have to hypnotise myself into thinking positively!!!

Lots of Love and    to you all  xxx


----------



## Katie4

Wow £170 a session. I think I need to retrain! The therapist/counsellor who I saw earlier this year (who is also my yoga teacher) does hypnotherapy for £50 a session. I'm in the East Midlands...worth travelling? Although I'm sure seeing someone at the ZW clinic must be such a positive fertility journey experience that perhaps it is worth it? (And admittedly, her private sessions are set in her converted garage - it's a lovely conversion though!   On that theme, what about counselling? Shouldn't that be free with your treatment? talking helped me so much. I only had two sessions but it was just so good to get it out in the air!)

Oops been meaning to post this for an hour or so, best go and do some work!


----------



## aurelia

Hi all   

We are fine here, still no tooth through so Lanora is still quite grumpy but last night she only woke up 3 times as opposed to waking up every 90 minutes the night before. She's gone right off food as well and just wants to breastfeed all the time, but whatever makes her feel better is fine by me, I'll just have to eat some more cake and keep my calories up for my milk production   

PR - We saw ZW too a long time ago, and I saw the nutritionist there who was really good. I used Natal Hypnotherapy CD's at home through tx and pg, they have one specifically for going through IVF called The IVF Companion, or other ttc and pg ones and I found that really helped as at least I got 30 mins a day relaxing at home and it's all so positive. I think ZW does her own ones as well which are the same sort of thing.

Chris - good luck for the appt and have a lovely holiday   

Katie - I hope you are feeling a bit more settled about things today, having doubts is totally normal and personally I am finding it much harder to imagine being pg again or even trying again after having had Lanora because I know what it's like to be pg now and that just makes it even scarier to try again in a way, like it will hurt even more if nothing happens so it'd be easier not to try. It takes a lot of courage to ttc again I think so you are doing super good! I'm sure your mind will unknot itself soon, just be kind to yourself in the meantime   

Hi to everyone else, hope you all have lovely weekends planned!


----------



## Katie4

Oh those teggies do cause our LO's problems. NG is 2 and a 1/4 and despite having her 1st at 5 months we are still waiting for the last 4.    At your stage Calpol, boob, calgel teething gel (absolutely amazing stuff), Nurofen, cold cucumber to suck on and any toy she could get in her mouth were the order of the day. Those interrupted nights sound tough....I've so blocked them from memory  

Thanks for all the support girls. DH's pumpkin seeds arrived in the shopping today....wonder if I'll get him to eat them (I bought a bag in Jan when I was feeling all hopeful and he foolishly opened them "to try" (!) knowing full well they are considered "fertility food" in our house. When I saw he'd had some I was so excited but two weeks later we had a massive row as he'd had no more).


----------



## louloumay

Blimey I only turned my back for 5 minutes and there is a whole page of new posts. I'm a bit tired and grumpy so only a quickie from me.

Chris, my pre-reg course is June 11th so I'll let you know how it goes. I've just booked a pediatric first aid course with St John Ambulance (£114 OMG  ), can't register without it. IKWYM about St Ives being a bit weird. I am going camping to the same place where I tested positive for my chemical pg last year, and my sis will be there ready to pop. Still, life goes on eh? We'll be ok won't we  . Good luck for your apt, and demand compensation!  

Katie, I don't know if the dhea interacts or not, that's the dilemma  . It's a hormone after all, it effects testosterone and oestrogen production so I'm still confused really   
It sounds to me as if your DH has passively agreed, if that makes sense? He hasn't said no, so that must mean yes. Surely?  

Pocket, hypnotherapy sounds like a wonderful idea! Bugger the cost, it's worth it 

Aurelia, breastfeeding is soooooo great when they are a bit off colour isn't it. At least you know she is being nourished and hydrated, not to mention the calming effect it has on them. I really miss it. LO still asks for 'boo-boo' from time to time, bless her!

Notty, lyns  

So much for a quickie!

xx


----------



## Katie4

Loulou, on that basis then it might not be something you want to take when DR but up till that point it should be OK? 


Well I'm off work today on a day's leave and have had a lovely morning with NG at the library and over at a friend's house. She's the only person who knows about my PCOS (other than on here! and DH) and she knows about my wobble when the girls announced their pregnancies. I hope she doesn't think I'm a nutter. She said she used to get upset too. She has unexplained IF and has had 3 mc but now has two healthy children. It's a weird one as I find myself being really honest with her and that is dangerous as she could repeat it to anyone (She's a trained counsellor so has ways of making you talk!  ). But I don't want to keep saying that I'd expect her to keep it between us as that makes it appear an ever bigger issue. 


I'm in a pickle though, Loulou you might be right about DH passively agreeing but I do wish he'd just say or give me a wink as I really don't know where I stand nor how I even feel. It was lovely to hold my friend's LO this morning, she's 10 weeks and adorable but I just can't imagine another child of mine?!


Argh what does it mean!! I'm going bonkers, that is what it means!


Sorry for the me post. 


K x


----------



## louloumay

Oh you are so not bonkers Katie. I'm sure some of it is self preservation, and perhaps some is down to loving Ng soooo much you cant imagine having room in your heart for another? I only say that because I was talking to a friend the other day and she said she felt like that during her second and third pg, and it just occurred to me when I read your post.

I'm sure your councillor friend will absolutely keep your private stuff to herself simply because she IS a trained councillor. Especially if you have said it's just between you at least once.

Anyway, I'm sat on the (closed  ) loo seat while LO is in the bath playing with her ducks. It's way past her bed time and I have to have the usual 'I have to use the hairdryer on you, you can't go to bed with soaking  wet hair' argument  

back soon xxxx


----------



## Katie4

Evening! Am in bed already- have a stinking cold and am treating myself to duvet time! 

How's everyone doing? 

Chris when do you go? Must be in a matter of days. Am v envious! St Ives sounds more exotic than sherwood forest centre parcs- although if the weathers nice it will be like a little piece of paradise! 

Pocket- how are you feeling now hun? Do you need to keep injecting whilst waiting for af? 

Louloumay, we have that struggle every night too! 

Aurelia- any respite on the teething front? Ng actually told me her teeth hurt today and asked for medicine! 

Lyns not forgotten you Hun x 

Hugs to everyone x x


----------



## aurelia

Oh Katie   good for you going to bed early! I think I will try and get an early night too as I am sooooooo tired from all these broken nights. We are still not getting anywhere with the teething, she's really grumpy and there's no sign of anything coming through yet. She's pulling on her ears and hitting her face again tonight and grizzling a lot so we've managed to get some Calpol in her but since putting her to bed she's woke up crying every half hour so I think we could be in for another long night.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend, will try to post more tomorrow when I feel more awake!


----------



## Katie4

Have you any nurofen? You can give both nurofen and calpol as they work in diff ways. Poor little mite and poor u! Hope tonight is a better one x


----------



## Katie4

Tis very quiet.....are you all still there?


----------



## PocketRocket

Yep - still here    I thought it had been quiet too.

Katie - how are things with you? Any progress with DH?! Whereabouts are you in your plan at the moment?   

Chris - Are you on holiday at the mo? Hope you are having a fab time    Wea re heading down to Cornwall on Sunday... I really cannot wait. A break from it all is just what we need.

Aurelia - how is the teeth situation?    It's horrid seeing LOs in pain isn't it? The broken sleep is a killer too!   

Louloumay - any further thoughts on your consultation? Hope you managed to win the hairdryer argument!   

Lyns, Notty -   

AFM - Had a wonderful weekend with my boys    DH and I decided to have a day out visiting parks and pubs and enjoying our little miracle's (and each other's   ) company. It was fantastic - just what the doctor ordered. Sunday was spent doing chores like hoovering cars out, clearing the garden, doing washing, etc - but being surrounded by my favourite people didn't make it seem so bad    It's been nice to just forget about everything really, despite it all being at the back of my mind and obviously the minor issue of having to inject every day   .  I have felt a little more anxious over the past couple of days about it though as I can feel AF on its way (at least I think I can - but that doesn't mean anything   ) and had a couple of texts from close friends asking how it's going. Having to reply and tell them 'not so well' kind of got me thinking about it again.   

Lots of Love to my FFs


----------



## aurelia

Hi girls

No progress on the teeth situation unfortunately. We've so far been trying Calpol, nurofen, teetha granules, amber teething necklace and today she's had an osteo appt and some gel to numb the gums. The osteo said she did have tension through her head and chest that would be making her jaw uncomfortable too so it was good to have her treated. She's asleep now so fingers crossed she'll have a more settled night. The sleep is starting to get to me, I looked very rough in the mirror today! 

got to go, she's up! spoke too soon, love to everyone x x x


----------



## Katie4

Sounds like heaven Pocket. And although it brings it to the forefront of your mind it's nice your friends are texting. Hope next week is good for you. We are off to Centre Parcs a week on Fri but the long range forecast is poor for us.   


I'm on day 11 and charting my BBT. OPK testing starts on Thur (day 13) but DH is dithering.    Keep trying to get him to say yes out loud but he keeps sighing and walking away. He knows the "schedule" starts on Thur (so romantic!!  ) so I'm guessing he's going to agree?! Am feeling quite energetic and restless. It feels like it's time to put my body through the exhausting TTC and baby making process again and to fill my nights and days with feeds and pooey nappies, and fighting children...let's hope so eh?! 


Oh Aurelia, what a shame, poor sausage. And poor you. Don't remind me about the tiredness will you - I've a DH to convince that this is the right thing to do!  

Hugs to all. 


Katie x


PS NG has started to take her nappy off before she goes to sleep     And this morning, she was naked when I went in and the bed and her pj bottoms were wet. She'd taken her nappy off last night, hidden it and then put her pants back on so I didn't notice and then wee'd just the once at about 6.30am. Part of me is proud the other has no idea what to do. It's been 5 out of the last 6 nights. Will of course check much more thoroughly tonight x


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## louloumay

Hi everyone, 

Hope you are feeling a bit less anxious today Pocket. Sounds like that lovely weekend you had gave you some much needed respite from the world of ttc  

Katie, I did smile reading about ng hiding her nappy, how cute and not so cute at the same time!   Haven't got any solutions for you I'm afraid, except a waterproof sheet on the bed which I expect you already have! Is she potty training/ trained during the day?

Aurelia, did you get any sleep last night? Great idea seeing an osteopath! It'll soon pass, not that that's much help right now  

Chris, Notty, lyns  

AFM, I didn't have a great day yesterday, apart from feeling quite pointless about more tx given my age, I had a really big row with DP. He totally blew his top about something quite pathetic IMO, and shouted at me in front of LO while I was putting her to bed. I walked away from the argument before my fist connected with his face (that's how angry I was that LO witnessed his behaviour  ) and he followed me and carried on being a git, nearly waking LO up with his shouting. Who was right or wrong was completely irrelevant as far as I was concerned, my priority was LO, pity he didn't seem to feel the same way. It really made me question what I am doing in this relationship. Sometimes I think if it wasn't for LO i would leave.  

Anyway, enough doom and gloom, it's a lovely day today, and he's not here!

xxx


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## PocketRocket

Hi 

Aurelia - osteo sounds like a good idea. We saw one with F when he was little and it seemed to do him good. Hope you had a better night 

Katie - You are right about my friends texting.. I wasn't moaning about them checking I was ok; they really are super duper supportive which I am forever grateful for  Although you'll know what I mean when I say that our fertile friends don't quite 'get' everything we feel  Have a fab time at CP.. We looked into going there but I think we left it too last minute to book and it was quite pricey. I must admit I'm with Loulou when I read about NG and her nappy  It made me smile... but a bit of a predicament you are in?! I have no advice I am afraid... I am going to be looking to all you guys when it comes to potty training F!! 

Loulou - It sounds like you need a great big hug  Men can be such arses can't they? Remember this whole process is bloody hard - and I'm not sticking up for DH here  but it is hard for *both* of you. Us women just deal with our feelings in a more eloquent way than them  Hoping he returns from work with a massive bunch of flowers, bottle of wine and an obscenely fattening box of chocolates... ah well, we can dream  Sending hugs.

AFM, am off out with my two very good friends this afternoon.. one who has her two children and my other friend with one toddler and one on the way... guess who will feel the odd one out?!  No one else would know what I mean but know you guys do 

Lots of Love xxx


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## Katie4

Loulou I'm in your camp, we had a vile row last night which was not resolved before bed. All about TTC   Told him to stick the OPKs and the thermometer up a certain orifice. Apparently I'm frenzied and nagging. Yep, I agree but until he actually agrees to try and puts his heart and soul into this I won't believe he wants another. Maybe it really isn't right for us?! It's a shame as I'm so close to getting him to agree I just can't do this final bit and I think I've just had enough now. No more faffing. It's now or never. 

And I know it's so hard Loulou, but hang on in there.  

Pocket, you will soon be the envy of them with a scrumptious 2nd bundle of your own.    Oh and yes she's trained in the day so it makes sense she's not wanting a nappy at night. I've actually put her to bed with nothing on at all apart from a t shirt for her nap because she was refusing her knickers and trousers. Cheeky minx!


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## louloumay

Thanks for the virtual hugs! Needed them. It might not be right for me Katie, I think I am just too old for it to work and I really don't give a s**t if DP is on board with the tx or not. I'd do it anyway. It sounds to me like you *do* care though. I know you want to know NOW  but with a little patience I'm sure your DH will get with the programme. Perhaps in his head he has already agreed but is having trouble saying it, maybe he doesn't want it to look like you've 'won'. Pathetic I know, but they just are sometimes aren't they 

You'll get there too Pocket, I'm sure of it 

Oh yes, nearly forgot. LO did have a short phase of wetting the bed, so I made sure she had a 'tinkle' before bedtime whether she thought she needed to or not, and then rushed her to the loo as soon as she woke up. I didn't take long to sort it out. I'm sure you have probably worked that one out for yourself Katie, but I thought I'd mention it!


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## aurelia

Hi all, back again!

Loulou -   hope today has been better with DP. It's hard enough arguing but when LO's are around it makes you feel bad whatever is going on. hope you get it sorted one way or another soon.

Katie - Sounds like your little one is doing really well with the training, and it's great that she's getting dry at night by herself. My stepson lives with us and he was still wetting the bed at night at 7 (something to do with hormones not kicking in) and we had to try meds but the best thing was a bed alarm, it goes off at the slightest bit of wetness to alert them to get up for the toilet and within 2 nights he was dry at night, I think his brain just needed the kick-start! I've heard girls are better at potty training as they have more awareness down there so hoping that will be true for Lanora! In terms of the TTC, maybe your DH would prefer the 'let's just try for x months and see what happens' approach? 

PR - Hope you've had a lovely afternoon with your friends 

We're doing ok, I think the osteo helped as Lanora has been a lot better today. She was much more settled in the night although she did wake up 3 times for a little breastfeed but went straight back to sleep and wasn't restless in between like the other nights. She's still off her food but we've managed to rub some of the teething gel in her gums and I think that helps too. I think I can see a tiny little white dot in her gum which hopefully means we nearly have a tooth through so it might not be too much longer. I'm feeling so emotional at the moment though with all the tiredness and the bf hormones etc. Thinking a lot about bf for longer as I just can't see myself giving it up, especially as I think if we aren't lucky enough to have another then it's not like I can go back to it. We have decided to put off FET til after xmas for now to give me some more time and also be more prepared financially, but then I think shall we ttc naturally in the meantime and just see what happens, but then I feel we'd be doing wrong by our frostie, but if we wait and our tx doesn't work then will I feel we've 'wasted' the time in between..........it's all soooo confusing, so many decisions and none seem like the right one   DH is happy whatever I decide, I am so lucky to have him I know, I just can't make up my mind what the best thing is to do! So glad to have all my FF's though, tried explaining it to some friends the other day and they just don't get it at all, you are all so great


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## louloumay

Aurelia, I know exactly what you mean. I really didn't want to give up bf for something that might not work too. I am much older than you so part of me now wishes I had, then again LO is such a confident, emotionally aware little girl who had minimal illnesses and sleep problems, I don't know how much of that I would have sacrificed by weaning her too early (that's not to say that children that aren't bf aren't all of those thing too!). She LOVED bf so much, and it was brilliant when she was a bit poorly or insecure.

As for the frosty, although ours ended in a chemical pg, it defrosted fine, I don't think the amount of time it was frozen (3 and a half years) had any effect on it. You do have time on your side, and there is evidence that siblings cope better with a gap of 4 or more years (that was how I justified waiting to myself anyway!). Try not to worry, you'll make the right decision  

xx


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## aurelia

Thanks loulou that's really helpful   I think a big part of it is worrying about whether time would make a difference to the defrosting process, as we only have the 1 to try with. Everything with tx seems so time dependent, and especially where it took us so long to have Lanora anyway I think it makes it seem like we have to hurry up while the goings good! Feels so much better just being able to get it out of my head though, I'm sure if I let it be then my mind will just straighten it out, it usually does with these sort of things, then I wake up at 3am one day and think 'oh that's what I want' and it's all fine again. Brains, you'd think with a psych degree I'd be better at understanding them


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## Tillypops

Look at you ladies!! You have a new home! This way please...........................

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=263997.msg4463175#msg4463175

xxxxx


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