# Meeting Birth Parent



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi there

We've got our meeting on Thursday and I'm just wanting it over now. 
I still feel it's the right thing to do for my daughter and in a way I want us to go and face them, but I'm now getting very anxious about it.

Has anyone else met with birth family?

I want to be able to tell them how well she's doing and how much she's come on and what things she's been doing and seeing.... but on the other hand I don't want to rub their noses in it. I'm also afraid if they ask what words she can say, of telling them "she can say mummy and daddy". Daft I know but it's knowing what's crossing the line.
I'm panicking about giving anything away about our whereabouts, and yet their SW said they might guess with our accent! I can't put on a geordie or scottish accent if I tried!

I'm already thinking of what I should wear, I want to look nice but don't want to look too flash and trendy and yet somehow feel that I have to make the effort so .... I don't know, I suppose I'm feeling the competition now.
I'm wanting to be the better person in every aspect without putting their nose out of joint.

Really dreading them asking who she's with, and me saying "with her Nanna" and her thinking, "No, that's not her Nanna!".

If this is making any sense at all, it's a miracle! Are there any birth relatives out there who could possibly give their view.

Thanks for listening, and I'll let you know how it goes!


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi

We met our son's birth mother but it was before we actually met him so it was a slightly different situation.  Like you I felt anxious about it but I felt it was the right thing to do.  It means that we can talk more knowledgeably to him about his background when he grows up, it makes writing the contact letter easier than writing to a faceless unknown person.  It's not easy, things were akward at first and we didn't know what to say but the Social Workers helped.  I think you will find that the parents will feel more akward than you do and the Social Workers will stop things from getting uncomfortable.

Don't worry about how you look, it's not a competition.  The truth is that she is now your daughter not theirs and they cannot change that so what they think does not have a real impact.  Just use the opportunity to get as much information as you can about your daughter that wasn't in the report.  For example, we found out where our son's name came from.  If you don't want to feel too akward discussing being her Mummy and Daddy, talk about what she was like when she first came to you rather than what she is like now.  Discuss the amusing things she did without going into specifics about your relationship with her.  Again in our case we discussed how we heard he really liked his food.

It's not an easy thing to do but it is a good thing to do and I wish you the best of luck with it.

love
Cindy


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Cindyp 

As you know I have adopted 2 children & did concurrent planning & every thing you are saying is completely normal & understandable.

We never got to meet our DS birth mum as she didn't want to & felt that chapter in her life was over.  I've always regretted not having the chance to meet her as I would like to be able to tell our DS what she was like rather than talking about her from a photo. 

When we did concurrent planning we had to meet the Bps 3 times a week for face to face contact.  That was part of the "deal" with concurrent planning, sorry not sure what word to use there.

When we first met the BP'S I felt exactly how you are feeling, I didn't want to over step the mark, a bit different from your situation as we weren't her adoptive parents, we were foster parents who would adopt her if they failed to complete the study that was being done on them.

Anyway we met this lovely baby before we met her Bps, 4 days later we met her BP'S, the 2 hours went by & really quickly, our SW stepped in when they asked questions which they thought were not appropriate, the only time they didn't step in on a question was when the BM asked who had the problem that we couldn't conceive our own child!  Our SW was so gob smacked that they had asked us that, she took a moment to close her gaping mouth & by that time I had told the BM that it was not relevant to her!

When we met our DD Bps - after 6 months of her living with us, I felt really positive about meeting them, I thought if I'd done it for so long with the baby we fostered that I could easily do it now, I knew this baby was staying with me for ever! (KEEP REMEMBERING THAT!)

The morning arrived & I wondered what to say & what to wear & I was dreading meeting the BF!  We arrived at SS office & was took straight to meet them.  The Bps sat there & just looked at the floor, they didn't look angry like I thought they would, just the opposite.

Our SW started the conversation & introduced us by our first names & asked the Bps if they would like to know anything about our DD.  I had taken a few photos of her & handed them to the BM - this opened up the barriers & she said - how much she had grown & then started to ask questions & we could do the same - the conversation just flew by & soon it was time to go.

We left feeling positive that we would be able to tell our DD when she is old enough that we had met them.  It is well worth doing, although you feel anxious & unsure at this moment in time, the day will arrive & in no time at all you will be back at home with your lovely daughter.  

Sorry to go on so much - hope the day goes well - I'll be thinking of you. 

TFN 
Andrea


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

Hi there

I havent ever had to go through that yet as we are still awaiting a match...however it is my biggest worry, as im sure it will be for most of the girls on here.

I just want to wish you all the very best for Thursday and hope that all your worries are overcome.

Natxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Ever

Not been in this situation but like most of us on here would be prepared to do it for OUR children if it was considered appropriate.

I think Andrea and Cindy have given you some good advice.  When I did our first contact letter I felt like I was rubbing BP's noses in it as it just beamed with these great things that the girls had been doing.  My SW's told me that what I had done was fine and that most BP's would be grateful for what I had told them.

Good luck for Thursday we will be thinking of you and let us know how it goes.

Karen x


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Ever,

How did it go?  Been thinking of you.

Laine x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever,

Just seen this post. I hope all went well yesterday.

We were kind of thrown in at the deep end and met the BM the same week as into's which was very sudden and we did not have much time to think about it, but poor Dh did not sleep much the night before. Anyway it went well and i think she was also glad to have met us. I hope it will help me to write the first contact letter which will be the next step for us in a few weeks time.

Chat soon Mandyx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and support. 

Yesterday's meeting went very well. Not at all how we expected it to go, the time flew by and all in all we found it a positive experience. 
I felt so much compassion for bm, it's the whole thing about her giving birth to my daughter. I sort of felt we had a connection.

I reassured her best I could, but thankfully she didn't actually ask us that many questions, so there weren't any awkward moments.

Hope she got as much out of it. And yes, it will definately make it easier to write our letters, although our first one isn't until the Spring. Good luck with your Mandy.

Now we can relax and look forward to our hols.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

everhopeful

Glad your meet with the BP went well - it will be something to tell your daughter when she is old enough to understand & letter writing should become easier.

I still find writing my annual letter to DD BP quite hard though.  I know longer do one for DS BM as she said she didn't want them anymore!!

Love-Andrea


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Ever, glad the meeting went well and that you found it a positive experience as I did ours.

Like Mandy, I think it will make writing the contact letter so much easier.  Although we wil normally only do one contact letter a year around Xmas we were asked to do an extra one a few weeks after XXXXX was placed.  I found it so much easier to write having met BM.

Cindy


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Ever

Glad the experience wasn't as bad as you had thought.  Good luck for writing that contact letter have got my second one to write for next month (we do twice a year).  Did you take any phots of you and your dh with BM to show your DD in later life?

Karen x


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## bodia (Apr 27, 2005)

Hi All,

Sorry to butt in but was interested in this one. I was adopted as a baby. In those days contact wasn't really encouraged but my Mum wrote to my BM a few times and even sent her my first tooth when it feel out, as well as photos! She got a couple of replies and then all went quiet. When I reached 18, my BM tried to make contact, but the adoption agency told her they usually like the child to be the first to initiate contact. When I was 22, they finally allowed her to make contact as by then I hadn't contacted them. I got a letter and a photo of her and of her 3 kids. I wrote back to her a few times, although we have now lost touch.
Anyway, I just wanted to reasssure you all....My Mum and I are not the closest in any way, in fact, we have always had quite a difficult relationship for many different reasons. But to be honest, the fact that I am adopted is not one of them. She always handled my adoption in an honest and open way, and I will always respect her for that. She encouraged me to feel compassion for my BM, (she was 15 when she got pg, and my Mum has always reminded me how lucky I am that she was brave enough to go through with the birth at that age,) and she has also encouraged me to write to my BM and to reassure her that giving me up for adoption was the kindest and most loving thing she could've done for me. I have never felt any anger towards my BM and I have also never felt any need to meet her or get to know her, and I think the reason for that is that my Mum has always been totally cool about it all.

Adoption is something I will look into in the future (just not quite ready yet,) and I am sure I will find the reality of being an adoptive Mum very hard. But I will try to remember the way my own Mum dealt with it. Like others have said on here, YOU are the mother and no one can take your place. Ever.

Hope that helps a little!

Good luck all,

xx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Bodia

Thanks very much for your message. It's valuable to hear your perspective on things. 
We believe that it can only help our daughter and our future relationship with our daughter if we have compassion and respect for her bm. We know that she didn't directly harm her and didn't voluntarily give her up for adoption.

If anything, I found the meeting quite strange, in the fact that I had the urge (although I didn't) to hug her - I wanted to say a massive thank you for giving me the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. This would've been completely inappropriate which is why I didn't. But I felt a connection. Whatever else has happened, this woman has carried and given birth to my daughter. Now she is mine completely and always will be.

Thanks again for your story. Good luck with your treatment.

 x

Karen - thanks for your messages, and no we didn't have our photo taken with her. I think before hand I just felt it was one step too far. Obviously we had no idea how the meeting would turn out. Now maybe I wish I'd taken my camera, but it's done now.
I'll make sure I keep a very important diary entry for dd, for when she's older.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Just wanted to add to everhopeful's comments to Bodia & say THANKYOU!


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Bodia

Thanks for your post, it is always good for us adopters to hear the stories of those who have been adopted.  Thanks again

Karen x


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Bodia - Just wanted to say Thank You too xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Bodia, thanks for your story, it really does help to hear the perspective of someone like you who has been adopted.

Ever, it sounds like you felt like me.  Our son's BM also didn't directly harm him and didn't want to give him up.  DH and I found the experience very emotional and we both hugged her as we left which was encouraged by the SW's and I promised to take care of him.  The SW's had planned to take a photo but it wasn't possible.  After we left I actually became a bit tearful because it brought home to me that what she was losing I was gaining, I was finally going to become a mother.  I don't have any rosy ideas about his BM, he wasn't taken away for nothing but I do have some sympathy for her and I hope that I can encourage XXXXX to grow up with the same attitude.

Cindy


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Ever,

Late as usual on the news and now on a posting frenzy again. I am so glad you had a postive experience. 

As you know I am adopted and was in my 20's when I got in touch with my BP. The info that my adopted parents gave me about my BP's was very sketchy and although they were as open as possible they unfortunately got several key facts slightly wrong. As I grew up it was the little things that bugged me like why was I given my name, how much did I weigh at birth, did I get my musical talent from my birth family etc and no-one could answer these things for me. This was despite the fact that my AP's met my BP's 3 times!!!

The only thing I can say to everyone here is gather as much info as possible and write it down because time makes you forget things or misinterpret them and it will be the silly little things that your children want to know.

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be able to find out those pieces of info and so much more but I also recognise that me story was very different from the majority of children placed for adoption now so it is not always possible to get all the answers.

Hope that helps and I am always happy to give my slant on being adopted although I know a lot of my experiences are not relevent to your children's circumstances.

Love Morgana x

PS I did get my musical ability from my B family, my B grandfather was a well know guitarist and my Birth father is pretty hot on the old strings too. Interestingly enough by entire coincidence my little sister (BF) plays keyboards which is what I play (and piano) but she is a much better singer than I am so I don't think I will ever have a number one single unless she does the lead vocals for me (chuckle)


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

I myself am adopted and thinking of adopting if my ivf doesn't work. I didn't realise you had to meet the birth parents. I think things must of changed since i was younger. It was left upto me when i was 18 if i wanted contact. I have never made contact and I don't wish to I am now 40 years old and the only mother and father I know are the ones that bought me up. Not a complete stranger. My adopted sister as found her birth parents who she now keeps in contact with after finding out that they are still together 36 years later. Myself do not wish to find mine the only thing i think that should be left with the child is any medical details that run in the family. As when you go to any medical they always ask does anything run in the family. I wish everyone all the luck in the world with the adoptions. I am not sure I could cope with having to see the birth parents. Do they keep in touch all the child's life?


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi loobylou

Thanks for your message. We were asked at the start of the process if we would consider a one-off meeting with birth parent. So it was never a neccessity, just a voluntary thing should we wish to. We never had any pressure on us at all to agree to it.

I think we agreed initially to it after realising that if we didn't gather as much info as possible for our daughter then there'd be much more chance of her wanting and needing to find that info when she's older.
We dreaded the meeting and wanted it out of the way, but now we're thankful we've done it. For our daughter we can tell her about the meeting and what her birth mum was like but also for ourselves and our piece of mind. Before we imagined allsorts of monsters, and now we know she's just a young woman who's had a difficult life upto now and will continue to have problems. We have understanding and compassion for her now. It also gave her relief to meet the people who would bring up and love and care for her baby. Apparently she got alot out of the meeting too.

There will no more direct contact at all now with any members of the birth family, unless our daughter decides to when she's older. We have agreed to "letterbox contact" though. This is one letter and photograph that I send once a year to birth mum. Just updates of how she's doing and developing. I must stress that we able to send an out of date photo though so she'll be less identifiable.

All these options though are totally upto yourselves. Nothing will be forced on you. The SS will take your worries into account when bringing you through the process.

It is all very eye-opening when you first embark on the process, but believe me when you've got your child at the end of it, most of it seems unimportant.

Best of luck with your journey, however it pans out.

xx


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## MummytoLottieandLily (Jul 7, 2005)

Hello Girls

I have read the posts about meeting the birth parents and your comments are very valuable.

We have also been asked to meet the parents but are feeling very anxious and nervous especially as it was contested.  If we tell friends we will most probably meet the birth parents they think we are mad and are worried about our safety (to be honest it still unsettles us especially as the bd has been to prison but the social workers have reassured us everything will be ok and it is for the best interests for the children).  Do you all get the same reaction from your friends and family?  We explain that as the girls get older this will help us answer some of their questions and it is also an opportunity for the bp to ask their own questions and ensure we will love and care for the children.

love

Lilianna x 
Mummy to two Littles x x x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Lilianna

You've most probably read my reply on this site about meeting birth parents & just wanted to let you know that it's normal for family & friends to say that they think you are mad!  They are only worried about you and they don't really understand how important it is for YOUR little girls when they get older.

The meeting will be well supervised & it is something I'm glad we did.

GOOD LUCK

Love Andrea


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Lilianna

Yes, it is normal for everyone to think you're mad ! I've found that unless that someone you're talking to has been through the process themselves, that they haven't a clue and cannot begin to understand how and why these processes happen in adoption. Even our parents still question a few things, and without sitting them down and explaining every detail, like the sw's do to us at the start, then they can't understand. I suppose to us alot of the system seemed alien at the very start, it took alot of discussion and listening before we fully grasped the workings of adoption. And meeting birth mum was one of them.

We had the same concerns as yourselves, our daughter's birth father has been in prison and is a violent man. Her birthmum contested the freeing order. It was her we met, and although we had our reservations about it, we totally feel now that it was worth it. Although I am totally relieved it's done and over with now. It was, afterall only an hour out of our lives, to benefit our daughter in the future.

As Andrea has said, the social workers are the inter-mediates, they supervise the meeting and step in should there be any awkward silences or any inappropriate questions. And the ss certainly wouldn't suggest it if they thought at all that the placement would be put at risk.

Good luck, it's worth doing for your girls.

Love ever xx


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## Blu (Jul 28, 2005)

Hi all

Hope you don't mind me jumping in on here. Just thought I could add another persepctive...

I was a social worker involved with removing children from parents for various reasons, and then taking the case through the courts. I would always encourage parents to be part of the court proceedings (contest it), even if their chances are low or non-existent. The reason for this is so that they can feel that they have fought to keep their child/ren, and also so the child/ren can know that their parent fought to keep them (even if they clearly couldn't have coped for whatever reason).

I'm saying this to help explain that even when child care is contested, the parents often know they will never be able to cope, and in many cases it is a relief for them (sub-consciously anyway, as they often hadn't planned their children and know they couldn't cope).

In terms of meeting parents, the best thing you can say to them is that you will love and care for the child/ren. Ultimately everyone's wish is for the child/ren to be happy.

Hope this is of some help to some of you.

Best wishes all of you on having your dreams come true.

Blu


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Lilianna

Our DS's adoption was contested but we still agreed to meet his BM, even though it was in a prison.  I think it was a very good thing to do but my family and friends all thought it was strange and couldn't understand why we agreed to do it.

To my point of view the most important thing is what is right for your children and to me it is a lot better to be able to face him in the years to come and say "yes, I met your birth mother, this is what she was like and this is what she told me about you".

I think you'll find it's not as bad as you think it will be and as Ever says it will be worth doing for your girls.

Good Luck
Cindy


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Blu

Thanks for posting a reply - it's nice to hear from someone who was a SW and can give an insight to the BP's point of view, why they contest when they know there is no chance.

THNAKS
Andrea


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## MummytoLottieandLily (Jul 7, 2005)

Thanks for posting everyone - will let you know how it goes although we are still awaiting a date.....


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