# letter box contact



## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm just after some views on this.

i've read that little ones placed for adoption have letter box contact, letters/cards twice a year through social services.  If we were to adopt (which is what we're intending) thsi is the one thing that concerns me.  

theese are questions to those who've adopted (I don't mean to sound controversial with these next questions but I do want to be a bit challenging I hope you don't mind - sort of playing devil's advocate if you like):
if you've adopted and your children have letters twice a year etc, what does that feel like for you? do you ever feel like it's a constant reminder they aren't really yours in a way or a constant reminder that they've got another life in a way ? do you feel scared that one day when they are older they might tell the biological family where they live and the biological family will come round and put a brick through your windows saying "you took my children away from me"? (I know this sounds a bit mad but I'm trying to imagine all sorts of terrible case scenarios).  Do you ever worry that the children you've adopted will one day reject you or decide they want to go back to their old family?

I'm sorry if these sound like stupid questions, but I need to ask people who might understand why I've asekd them.  many thanks for any replies.


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

I heard something today on the TV and it was "it takes 9months to make a baby however a life time to be a parent" .

with adoption you have to accept your children have a passed- i am not saying for one moment its easy however without a birth family there wouldnt be YOUR child!

We have done one letter box contact so far and it wasnt too bad, we got a letter back which is in the childrens folder to read when they are older. For us we feel that it is very important that we keep the door open with birth family so that when the children are older if they wish to meet them then they are not totally strangers.

Not all children/cases request letter box contact, its doesnt always mean twice a year either, for us its once a year at a month that we chose to send and a month we would accept letters back (if not sent back in time then not sent to us!) this agreement is not legally binding and once you have legally adopted your child/ren then its down to you if you continue. if ever either/both our childrren asked us not to include them/stop the letters then we would.

We as our childrens parents have to have faith in ourselves and the way we raise our children as how they will be with us when they are older, its normal teenage behaviour to throw "comments" back at us however this is something we will deal with at the time.

We have met some members of the birth family including birth mum and yes it was a hard meeting however worth it as we got to ask questions that we would be able to tell the children about for EG about her preg, about where their names come from ect. things that they may want to know, anything we dont know and they ask about over the years we can include in our next contact letter.

what you need to remember is YOU didnt take their children away from them, OUR children were removed for what ever reason and you are the people who were choosen to raise them and make them happy, loving children (oh wow you can so tell i have been told this lately!)

hope this helps

xxx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hiya,

These are fairly common thoughts and its fair enough to ask, I think letterbox is something really hard to get your head round we have recieved our first ones from birth parents and yes it did bring up emotions regarding my little girls birthplace and the fact she isnt mine biologically all also felt sad for the birth parents and how hard it must of been for them to write that letter.  

I personally think if there wasnt any form of 'link' between birth family and adoptive families this would bring its own set of problems, children who are adopted are brought up knowing that they are and I'm guessing it may bring some comfort or help them come to terms with this fact if there is some communication from birth parents I keep everything I have been given in a 'memory box' and it will be there for her when I think it is appropiate.

I dont worry about repercussions from birth family or finding out where we live but I can understand why you might think this could happen,  the letterbox system is from a central place sent out by adoption support staff it is very confidential...........my little girl may want to trace her birth family when she is older and may hold a biased view about them but I am hoping that she has enough information and with our support to piece together her past and draw a realistic understanding of it. 

Hope this helps and dont know if I have answered all your questions adoption is not an easy route to go down I have a friend who decided to remain childless as she couldnt get her 'head' round about the contact with birth family, its not for everyone.

Good luck in your journey

Dawny
x


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## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

thanks for your replies.  My friend is a social worker and she dealt with a lady who had OCD and she couldnt' look after her babies properly so they were taken away from her - but she was a nice lady my friend said, she was just suffering from OCD and couldn't put the babies first - wouldnt' feed them and so on until she'd walked round the bed 12 times etc.  That wouldn't scare me if someone like that was BM of my adopted chidlren.  Also antoher girlfriend of mine was adopted because her mother was a tramp (like a homeless person - I don't mean she was a ****!) and she knew who her mum was and everything but she was pretty much an alky so she didn't see her mum except for around the town where she used to live.  It was weired for my friend - she was such a lovely girl as well. but she didn't have a relatinship with her because of the alcoholism, it was impossible, her mum didn't recognise her etc

I guess I just have this pciture in my head of really scary people who have their children taken away from them because they have been cruel/abusive to the children and I guess it frightens me that I might bring up my children to want to get to know these cruel people again.  But then I suppose if you bring them up and they attach to you and you love them so much then you've got a good chance of having the same sort of mother-child relationshp as anyone else haven't you?? that is what I am hoping anyway!


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

I just wanted to stick my oar in here!!  As a lurker on this board, firstly I don't think you should apologise for asking these questions, we are on the brink of applying to adopt and many of the questions you have raised we have discussed with each other and with other adopters, via PM,  on these boards.  They are completely natural questions hun! 

I will just say that I had your perception of what a Birth Parent would be until we went to our adoption information evening the week before last, when we read a case study of a 10 month old child who's dad was killed in a car accident when his mum was 6 months pg and then when he was 2 months old his mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness and there's no extended family!  This is such a terribly sad tale and I am sure there are others where there isn't some big bad drug dealer lurking in the family closet there's just a tragic set of circumstances which mean that they can't remain together.  



Axxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I just wanted to add like Amanda that there are many many circumstances at to why children are placed for adoption. Often very sad situations that birth parents have found themselves in  and it can be heartbreaking for all concerned. 

I think I am in a lucky situation as I have met the birth parents on many occasions as well as extended family as K came to us as a foster child and the plan was for him to go home for the first 6 months of the placement. The whole birth family situation is very sad and I can honestly tell him that when he wants to know that his birth family did love him but were just unable to care for him. 

Please ask away when you have questions as its good to be well informed when looking at adoption

xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hiya again 

I agree with amanda you dont have to apologise and like I said in my previous post we have all thought these thoughts when considering adoption, and until you get into the process its difficult to comprehend, a lot of your anxieties would be covered in your home study and on the prep days, i think we would all like the 'ideal' adoption and yes sometimes children are removed because the birth parents cant cope for other reasons other than abuse/drugs etc but a lot are removed for that as well. 

Dont forget once you have adopted you are their legal parents and yes they will be attached to you and love you and that wont change.

Dawny
x


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## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

thanks everyone.  And thanks Dawny for saying, "they will love you" I suppose that is something I'm scared of as well - but youdon't like to say that do you? because when you're going through the process you focus on the love you've got to give - i suppose it's normal to be scared they wont' love you back or something. Anyway thanks so much for all your comments/suggestions.  i will be back with more questions in no time


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## Guest (Nov 19, 2008)

I think you have to remember with adoption that your child will have a past - your job is to help them to accept this and integrate this into who they are.  Part of this may be contact with their birth family (which can be face to face as well as letterbox).  

Many adoptees have had a traumatic early life and that does affect them in later life.  Saying that just because someone was unable to care for their child doesn't men they are scary or will harm you.  Birth famiies often have addiction or mental health issues but this doesn't make them bad people - often these things were the result of their own traumatic childhoods.  We met the birth mum of our children and she is lovely, but was unable to care for them and keep them safe as her issues came before caring for her children - I feel sorry for her, but also grateful that she has given us such a wonderful gift.  

We have face to face contact with our children's birth mother and although it is our discretion we feel it is valuable.  Our eldest was five when she was taken into care and she needed contact with her birth mum for all sorts of reasons - partly so she doesn't build her up to be a perfect mum and also so she can ask questions which help her to make sense of that early life.  The current benefit to the younger two is less clear, but again it helps them to tremain realistic as to who therir birth mother is and wil hopefully help them inte future.  I don't find it easy but it is important for them, so I couldn't stop it.  

I hope this helps a little and that you can make the right decision for you and your future family. 

Bop


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Just to add my bit, I have face to face contact and honestly have NO problem, my ds bp have enabled us to complete our family and we are eternally grateful to them, they are nice people and he will always know his "story" 

Feel free to Pm me if you want more info.

Fiona


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I think everyone has some concerns like you before starting the adoption process and its only when you get started and talk to SWs and go on prep courses etc that you get the answers to a lot of your questions.  From my experience the prep course is designed to give you ALL the information, which basically means worse case senarios as well, and can seem very negative and is emotionally draining BUT it gave me more determination to adopt and make a difference.

We are just about to sort out our letter box contract before getting the adoption order.  It will be once a year, not sure when yet, and we will not be sending photos due to the sensitive information we have to give our son when he is old enough to understand (can't really go into more detail to explain this).

On our prep course a lady spoke to us about being adopted and meeting her birth parents.  She wanted to meet them out of curiosity but they weren't her Mum & Dad and though she has met them a few times over the years they are not part of her everyday life, her adoptive parents are her children's grandparents, they are who she loves and thinks of as Mum & Dad.  Research apparently shows that this is 'normal' and that most poeple are in their late 20's onwards before even wanting to find this missing link.

By keeping in touch via letterbox we will have even more information to give our son, to help him understand where he came from and why, but also to support and help him trace them if he decides to when he is older.  Even if the birth family decide to stop we will continue to send letters so he can see we tried for him because that is what its all about at the end of the day - doing everything we can for our children.

OT x


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