# What to do next planning ahead.



## potluck (Feb 12, 2008)

Hi to everyone  

I'm so addicted to this site & can't stop reading posts,& thinking about what to do next it's driving me loopy ,so here goes it'll probably be a long one so thankx for hanging in there . I thought I would post here because of my age ,but there are bits & pieces from other areas that will come up ,this is how  up my mind is ,which i'm sure a lot of you must understand,I hope I don't offend any one ,I just need to get things of my chest & see it in black & white.

I will be having tx at the Lister in july ,my last go with my own eggs as I will be 42 by then. I really don't think this will work ,i'm not being negative or down down about this(at the moment anyway ) but I am just being realistic (for me personally I have not been pregnant since 2001) so I really wan't to have a plan to move on to ,because I know I will be devasted & I don't wan't to waste any more time like I have done in the past.
When I first joined this site a couple of months ago , I was adamant that I wouldn't go on to d/e, but by reading lots & lots of posts it makes things a lot more clearer. ( I must say I go back & forward on this all the time , but I think this is a normal reaction). At the end of the day we want a child to love & be a family , we have discused addoption but have decided against this for us.

So we will try d/e if we are lucky enough ,& it looks like we will go abroad as the waiting list here are too long .But then that throws up another problem or two....................

(a) where do we go ..
(b) what about anon doners ..
(c) how will the child feel that they don't know who there genetic mother is ...
(d) what about if they need medical help from genetic parent's in the future & we have no way to help them...
As I said before i'm sorry if I upset anyone ,but that is why i'm posting so I can get the advise & support we need from all the people who have gone through this .

Also I mean't to say if we go abroad where do we go for our scans etc....... my doctor is horrible ,we live in a teeny village & I don't even let him know what stage we are at now as he has no time or interest in us .

We did look at IM in spain ,it is still expensive though ( I pray one day this is so much cheaper so everyone has the same choices ) but they also do a donor embryo programme ,where couple's have left it up to the doctors to decide what to do with the embies they have left ...................... 

We are of to spain on holiday the end of june & THOUGHT maybe we can make one of our appt to coenside with this , but we will be near Alicante not Barcelonna ,I know there is a few clinics near here ( does any one have any advise on these or IM ? you see I don't like flying  & when I'm reading it all, it seems so easy to just jump on a flight! but then it all sinks in ( I know this seems mad because I never used to have a problem ,I used to fly 2-3 times a year & long haul but when I had the m/c it all changed )

Anyway enough said for now .............. please any advise & opions would be great, thank you all for your support & wishing you all the very best of luck in whatever path you chose 
take care mistygirl xx


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Hiya
Just want to wish you luck, I have never been down the DE route, but many couples have and been very successful 

I am sure lots of the girls will be able to answer your questions, but for now, Good Luck  

Love Jo
x x x


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Misty Girl

Your questions about what the effects of DE may be in the future are so common - and you can really drive your self mad thinking about all the issues this throws up. This whole IF thing is so unfair because it forces us to make decisions where there is truly no right or wrong answer, and decisions that those who are lucky enough to get pg without intervention never have to make. Eevryone's experiences are different, and I really believe in not overthinking things because it will stress you at a time when that is the last thing you need.

Wit respect to your doctor, if I were you I would change to another practice - I have recently changed doctors to experience such empathy and kindness from my new doctor, that i actually shed a tear in one meeting wth her because I finally felt that a doctor (who was not an IF specialist) was listening to me and trying to help. If you cannot change doctors because of where you live, then you do need to remind your doctor that your taxes pay his/her wages, and you are effectively the client, and they need to bear in mind that IF is often caused by underlying medical issues and they need to remember that If is not your choice, unlike those other people he/she often treats who cause their own ilnesses by continuing to smoke, drink, eat too much fatty foods etc......sorry I will get off my soap box now!!!

If you get pg through DE then your ongoing care will be their responsibility and it is important that you feel that they are on your side!

With respect to where to go, again there is no right answer - the posts on the sites for overseas show this - I guess for those who have had positive results, their clinic is the best (naturally) and for those who are not successful, they may feel less positive. While you are out in Spain perhaps you could schedule in a visit and appt with a cons to see how you feel instinctively?

Sorry I have not got any answers - but atleast you know in this site you are not alone!

best wishes Nbr


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## Empty2 (Aug 12, 2006)

Hi mistygirl,

I just wanted to send you a big  

Having been on the fertility tread mill for the last 12 years and also being 42, it has taken us a long time to decide where we go next each time things fail.

We definitely wanted a family, we looked into adoption locally and were distraught by a meeting we had that pointed out that as an older couple (we were 35 and 38 at the time) we would only be able to raise a family from the age of 7-8 up, with probable difficulties.   The questions asked were very intrusive and the social worker said ' in every case we would prefer children to go back to their original family before even considering adoption, or at the very least, as they are older to still have contact with them'. We didn't go down this route.

With donor eggs the baby would still genetically be my DH's, we plan to be open from the very start as many couple are too having to choose this option and it is getting a bit more 'normalised'.  What our future babies say when they get older about their start in life is anyones guess but be assured they will be bought up in a very loving home and will be wanted.

Wishing you well with your treatment in July, try and stay positive.  Have you taken clexane with your treatment, maybe you should talk about this, I know of one very positive result from this medication along with the fertility drugs from years of  BFN's and miscarriage?  

emps
x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Dear Misty Girl,

Firstly a big    Secondly I just wanted to say you're not alone and what you're thinking I've thought myself. Like you I'm 42 and recently had to make the decision to give up on my own eggs and try DE to increase my chances of success. It's not something 2 or 3 years ago I'd have been ready to do and before that I thought I'd never be brave enough to do IVF - but look at me know   4 down and possibly not out yet!!!

I think if the desire to have a family is as strong as yours, mine and others on this site you sort of know when you're ready for the next stage - DE or adoption - and as long as there's another stage/phase open to you there's hope. Why not see how your July tx goes and continue to explore DE in case that turns out to be the next stage for you. You don't have to make the decision now and hopefully those who've succeeded with DE will put your mind at rest about what's involved and some of the concerns you have.

Good luck with whatever you decide and if you need to off load your worries at any time make sure you do. These boards are great for airing your worries and getting confirmation that you're not the only one with them running through your head   The trouble is that if they stay in your head they drive you  

Enjoy your hols and if you are near a clinic why not make an appt and see if you like them and you get a good feeling about them - it's often the unknown that's the most scary of all.

Take care, 

CG xxxx


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