# Match fallen through - Devestated



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

We were approved many, many months ago and after a very long and difficult wait we finally had a match.  We have just been informed that LO's SW has decided that he cannot continue with our match because of a safety issue that has come to light involving a birth relative.

We had seen photos, read CPR, met with SW and even started to get our home ready for our LO. We are totally devastated.  This little one so deserves a forever family and is now likely to wait  for a considerable amount of time.  We are also back to square one.

It all just feels so very unfair.  Planet adoption has kicked us once again and we are feeling very hurt and bruised.  Today I can't imagine ever feeling the excitement for a potential match again,  I think we'd have to really be on our guard to protect our hearts in the future.  Who knows how long it may be for us to have our family.  How do we continue constantly watching the phone and checking emails in the hope that there is some progress.

Our SW has explained that this type of thing is very rare so those of you on this journey please don't be put off.

Jules


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## Greeniebop is a mummy (Jan 17, 2010)

Jules, I didn't want to read and run. So so sorry. Life can be so cruel. Sending lots of hugs your way x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

That's terrible!  What an awful thing to happen at this stage.  I sometime wonder if it's oversight that something like this didn't come up sooner. I'm so sorry


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh Jules I'm so sorry this has happened I can only begin to understand how you must feel. This process is so cruel sometimes x I hope you find the strength to carry on   xx


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh I'm so sorry, I can imagine how you must feel.
I would have been gutted and probably needed a few months to recover!

But your future LO is out there somewhere waiting for you


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

you need some hugs. Wish I had something useful to say. That's so sad for all of you involved. I hope it was a good reason, not over cautious. I guess so...
Sorry hon. And chin up for next time - after a bit of wound licking.
Gettina x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

This planet adoption is really crap sometimes. I am so very sorry. Take care and I am praying your lo finds you soon xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

my heart goes out to you..our DD almost didnt happen and we had 3 months of hell after the decision maker refused to ratify the match..we were completely ready, room done, things bought, everybody excited for us etc etc..the sw's/legal system failed us badly and we decided to pull out of the match after 2 months dithering about as it seemed too uncertain...we said goodbye to her in our hearts and tried to move on....so i feel your pain, really I do   (finally she became ours but not till after our hearts had broken in pieces..i dont think mine has ever fully recovered actually  )


it takes time for your heart to heal after these things happen so be kind to yourselves, look after eachother especially, plan a little break away if you can (we ran away to Spain on a cheap deal!) and slowly you will mend I promise
kj


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

So sorry to hear that jules. Sending lots of   . Take care xxx


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Jules, so sorry to hear your news, as others have said its hard to give you any words of comfort, I wish and your husband all the strength to get through this difficult time.  Your time will come xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy (Jan 16, 2012)

So sorry Jules. 

Big hugs xxxxx


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Aww Jules I am so so sorry this has happened.  I know how long you have waited for a match and how much frustration you have been through waiting.  I really don't know what I can say to make you feel any better so just know that I am thinking about you and hope in time when another match comes along you will seem the same enthusiasm as you did this time.
You know you can contact me any time for a sympathetic ear. 

Jan xxx


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

So sorry to hear this.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you so much for all of your very kind words and thoughts.

I have to admit I have wanted to give up today.  It is so hard to put yourself and your family in the hands of SW's who, at times seem to have a total disregard for our feelings and how much pain we can feel when a potential member of your family is taken out of reach.  DH is absolutely adamant that we must keep on fighting,  there is a LO out there who really needs us to keep going no matter what. 

Funnychic,  I really appreciate your comments,  I know you really do understand how hard this can be and I'm always here for you to.  Happy for a chat whenever you feel upto it.

For everybody waiting,  lets hope we all have some luck and for all of those lovely children out there some magic thing aligns with luck and stars and magic and they actually get to meet us and we can have something close to a happy ever after.  

I'll keep you posted.

Jules


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

that is so heart breaking. it must be like the IVF equivilant of a BFP and bad news at the six week scan. but few people will 'get' that.   

we also had a potential match snatched away, as a relative has decided to contest the adoption order. luckily for us we hadn't got as far as seeing the PAR/picture. we were also told that situation was 'very rare.'

i too can't get too excited about the potential match we have on the cards now, just in case. this is potential match number 5 for us, but the only one we've got as far as 'meeting' (not literally obviously) and it just makes it so real when you get to this stage. even though you try not to, you're imagining your life with them aren't you?


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Katie C,

You have really hit the nail on the head.  I wouldn't want to offend anybody by comparing it to miscarriage but there is a real sense of loss. Wouldn't want to stress that too much to a SW or we'd be put on hold for counselling   

Have to say I do wonder how rare this can be,  we have had two other potential links fall through but at an earlier stage.  Maybe more effort could be put into really understanding the issues with the children before matches are found.  Our match didn't go ahead because the lead SW found something in the records about birth families whereabouts and background.  It was known info but sort of forgotten about.

Fingers crossed for your latest potential match.  

Jules


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Jules
It is a long time ago now  , but I had a similar experience (prior to being matched with our DS) where, to be very brief, we were told by the child's SW that the child we were interested in was 'ours' and, to quote, it was 'just a matter of when the child would be placed, not if'.  This was all said to us by the child's SW  

The match never happened.  I have never had a miscarriage but , yes, it felt every bit as i would imagine a miscarriage would feel   .  It was a heart breaking time.

My heart goes out to you  . 

I am going to whisper this next bit as it is too soon for you to read it or take it on board.  Maybe you should read it in about a month's time when it is a little less raw .......

**Whispers** .....

Absolutely, the RIGHT child found us in the end and the right child WILL find his way to you too  

Adopters should not have to be hurt like this though.  There is NO justification.  This is supposed to be a 'caring' profession  

You take care.  I agree with the advice to go on holiday, we did  

X


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Jules11 said:


> Wouldn't want to stress that too much to a SW or we'd be put on hold for counselling


hell yeah  shuddup, say nowt, smile sweetly and say 'that hoop? not quite high enough, please hoist it up a bit.'

and when you have that adoption order in your hand, smile even sweeter while you tell them to go forth


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Katie, first time I've laughed since the dreaded SW call.  Thank you, i needed that.

DE, I know you're right.  I know our LO needs us to keep going,  like the sexy canadian singer said "I know that it'll all work out ....  I just haven't met you yet",

Have to admit a glass or two of grape juice has helped tonight, your helpful words also help considerably. 

Jules


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I don't care what anyone says it is very similar to a miscarriage and I am really sorry you have been further hurt in this way. Take some time for you and DH so you can look after each other x x


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## nutmeg (Aug 21, 2009)

So sorry


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