# Stress related sick leave... Your thoughts



## Hels1980 (May 18, 2012)

Hello,

I've had a pretty tough week and not too sure where else to turn. Please excuse the huge ramble...

Myself and my partner have just been referred for IVF early as have received a low AMH result. Other than that, we have unexplained infertility. I've been having an absolute nightmare finding out if we had actually been referred for a good four weeks or more now and Liverpool still haven't received our info. Preston have just confirmed we have been referred but we seem to have been lost in the system as Liverpool know nothing of it! I'm just so tired of fighting to get things moving finally, I have to time my 'chasing up ' calls to when I feel strong enough! I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted after a terrible few years, I honestly don't think I have ever felt so close to losing it. 

I lost my sister 2 1/2 years ago and my partner and I waited a little while before trying for a baby. I guess starting a family was something I hoped would bring happiness our way after such a traumatic loss. It has been a long road, and during this time friends have fallen pregnant and had children. Even those who know about our situation can be insensitive. I find myself becoming more and more distant. My friends werent the most supportive when i lost my sister - too busy with their own lives i guess - so it has been a struggle for a good two or three years now. I feel very lonely and isolated. This week tops it though. A lady at work told me on Monday she is pregnant. She is having a tough time in her relationship and - now knowing my situation - thinks it is appropriate to joke about giving me the baby! I try to laugh it off but it's hard. Then today, just a few days later, my closest friend at work told me she is pregnant too. Though I am so happy for her, I honestly don't think I can cope at work sat between two pregnant ladies for the coming months, faced with IVF. I feel suffocated by the thought. I have been trying so so hard to stay calm this month... Acupuncture, yoga, relaxation CDs, saying no when I don't feel up to things, etc. but now I just feel helpless all over again. I am the first person everyone turns to when they have a problem, but I haven't the energy anymore. I feel like I am being slowly stripped of my sanity and energy and just feel swamped by this whole process. 

Sorry... Sounds very dramatic I know, just feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.

Back to the point of my post... Have any if you taken time off due to stress when you've been struggling to cope with your situation? Am I being ridiculous letting this get to me so much? I just feel so trapped... I can't leave, but I don't know if I can stay either  and I don't want the stress of working in babyville to affect my chances. 

What a pickle! 

Would appreciate your thoughts xxx


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## Lollipoppet (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry, haven't much time but didn't want to read and run. It's understandablethat you feel the way you do. You are coping with a lot. Nobody who hasn't dealt with infertility can know how soul destroying it is to work daily with pregnant women when you are trying to manage struggling your way to the end of the day at the best of times.

My personal view is see your doctor and take the time for stress if that is what you feel you have to do for your sanity. I did. I won't lie...my boss wasn't understanding about it all...thought I should just suck it up. She didn't have a clue I felt like I was being tortured each day going into work when one of my team was complaining about morning sickness having got Preg first try, when I was feeling with after effects of a molar preg and then failure to conceive.

If you have a good hr department you may get some understanding and practical advice there...but not necessarily...I work in hr and my boss the head of hr was the one who told me to just get on with it.

If you aren't already getting counseling I would seriously consider it. It helped me stay together through tough times.

Best of luck to you.

LP


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## Hels1980 (May 18, 2012)

Thanks for your reply Lollipoppet. It has given me some food for thought. Had another rough day as AF was late so - being on Clomid round two and with a month of acupuncture under my belt I was trying hard to remain hopeful - but alas AF arrived this morning. Luckily I had the day off anyway so didn't have to face the situation at work. I have decided to face the next week head on to see how I cope, and perhaps speak to my boss. She already knows my situation and has been very understanding so far. I think if I explain how hard I am finding things, perhaps there may be a work from home option - even a day a wk would help. And if I continue to struggle, then for once I may have to put myself first and take stress related sick leave.

I have made an appointment at the docs but the first slot is in a week and a half. Will arrange for counselling hopefully. Thanks for the encouragement.

Chased the hospital too. Nobody knows where my referral info is, so being rushed through actually hadn't made a jot of difference as I remain at the back of the queue. but I will continue to dig deep and fight my corner. 

Thanks again for your reply. It's comforting to know there are people out there who have felt the same ... And come out the other end with something amazing to show for all the heartache. 

xxx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

awwwhh luvvie!!!

Firstly big big hugs!! please do not beat yourself up for feeling like this, you are not alone!!! 

I agree with Lollipoppet and think you need to speak to your boss and explain how you feel, working from home could be the best option for you and for them and at least then you wont have the added guilt of being "off sick", although this should be the furthest point from your mind. At some point in our lives we have to look out for number one and this my lady is that time!! 

I am lucky that i work from home and have very limited exposure to workplace pregnancies but if I was in your shoes right now I would feel exactly the same and as hard as i might try to put on a brave face, i would be crumbling inside. You are human....

Life doesnt half throw us some crap at times and often it seems that things get worse before they get better. From the sounds of it you have had your fair share of rubbish hun so i really do hope things start to look up for you.

I hope your IVF clinic sorts your referral out too. Can you not collect the referral from your GP and fax/email this yourself so then you know its been done. Thats what I said i would be doing when it seemed they were all dragging their heels. Always amazes me when the system must know how hard this process is for us anyway, yet they dont seem to try and make it easier....

Feel free to ramble and rant with us anytime!!!!

Take care hunny xxx


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## AngelHopes (May 25, 2012)

Firstly I wanted to send you big   as I know how you are feeling...

After my second ivf fail, I fell apart and was incredibly low - I went to my gp who said I needed time off work (he was so great) and wrote me sick note saying I needed time off work for stress.  When coming back to work I spoke to hr and my boss, both of whom were really helpful and although it was v awkward talking to male boss about something so personal, felt good to get stuff off my chest. They agreed I could work on Wednesdays from home which has helped enormously - even just getting some extra sleep without the commute.  Also we were due to have an office reshuffle and (completely not thinking) they reorganised me to sit with a 5 month preg girl (who seemed to hate being preg as moaned she was so fat - arghh would give anything to be preg!!!) - so I told them I couldn't share an office watching her get closer to preg and moaning about something I want so badly.  They understood and apologised and reshuffled the plan but so nobody would know it was me for asked for the reshuffle. So as hard as it may be to initially bring it up I really recommend giving it a shot if hr and your boss let you work from home or have some time off or even let you sit with others who aren't pg, it might help you cope with all of this...

 x


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## Hels1980 (May 18, 2012)

Hi ladies. This is the first chance I have had to send you a thank you. I think I underestimated how much it helps to hear from people in the same situation as yourself. I am feeling marginally better now that I have had a little time to digest things, but as we all know, tomorrow may be very different. Emotions are so up and down lately it scares me! 

It's my first day facing both pregnant ladies tomorrow. Honestly don't know how it will go but will try my best to hold it together. Not long till Chistmas so will see how I cope till then. My boss isn't in till later in the week but may have a quiet word when she is back. The plan right now is one day at a time. Having acupuncture tomorrow which is pretty well timed!!! I am also having to chase my referral at the hospital again. Will seriously lose my rag if no success getting answers tomorrow! 

Thanks so, so much again for your kind words, understanding and encouragement. I hope you are all coping ok and wish you all the best in achieving your baby dreams   We will get there in the end xxx


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Hels

It can be incredibly tough to face watching other women's pregnancies progress when it's something you desperately want. I work with people who have have second children in the time I've been trying, the same has happened with some of my friends. It can feel very isolating.

My thoughts on this would be if you need to take some time off do, but maybe see how you get on first? I know my gut reaction is always that I can't cope, I have to avoid that person, but I often surprise myself. It sounds like you're going to try and do exactly that, see how you get on. Maybe explore the home working option anyway, it might be enough to make it bearable.

Hang on in there, I hope the acupuncture helped and that you get some answers from the clinic. 

Jen


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## Hels1980 (May 18, 2012)

Hi Jen,

Your message brought a smile to my face tonight. Thank you. Today was tough. Still not sure how well I will cope long term but for now I am thinking no further than Christmas. I agree i should see how it goes first. Think it would help a little were these pregnant ladies more sensitive. I was expected to give sympathy today because one has had morning sickness... And she knows exactly what I've been dealing with. Just told her she should count her lucky stars, and ended the conversation there. Think it clicked for her then. The other lady still finds it amusing to offer me a free baby if she has twins. I mean, what are they thinking saying stuff like that! Need to try and distance myself from it mentally if possible. 

I notice from your signature that you have been trying for a hell of a lot longer than I have. Bless you... You really have had a tough time of it. I can only begin to imagine. I really hope you're doing ok. I find it so overwhelming how one thing can completely take over you life and thoughts. Feels like life is slipping by sometimes. Maybe the trick is to think of what we have in the now, and try to let tomorrow take care of itself. Would be nice if it were that easy but it's what we have to strive for. 

Thanks so much again for your kind words. Means a lot when you hit rock bottom that a complte stranger would take the time to offer advice   Thank you. Good luck with the next part of your journey xxx


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Hels

Thank you for the reply and kind thoughts! 

Well done for getting through today, and I think you were right to call your colleague on complaining to you. If they didn't know your situation it would be understandable for them not to be sensitive but in light of them knowing it seems pretty thoughtless. Maybe at some point you could have a quiet word with the other lady? It's not always easy but my experience has been that being able to say something can ease a situation. People who haven't dealt with infertility just can't appreciate the heartache it causes, I know I didn't before we were faced with it. 

I agree with you about sometimes feeling like life is slipping by. I try to keep a balance and allow other things into our lives but it can be hard. I think it is important to try and find things to enjoy in the midst of all this, otherwise it can become all consuming and that takes a real toll physically and emotionally.

Take it a day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for support.

Take care

Jen


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hels

  hope you are doing OK at work.

Perhaps you could send your work colleagues the link suggested in this thread http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=276276.0

I remember being in the same situations when I was going through my treatments - one of my colleagues was pregnant and another was having here first grandchild. They did things like put scan pictures up on the office notice boards. I hadn't told anyone about my treatment and they would make comments about me being a career girl when they had no clue.

It sounds as though it would be good for you to talk to a counsellor - IF is incredibly emotionally and physically draining - you need people who are there to listen and support you 

I also lost my brother just over two years ago too - I know how tough losing someone is alongside the pain of IF. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do for YOU to remain emotionally and physically strong. If this means taking time off work, do it.

KA xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Hels, you are completely right in that we have to try and focus on the moment and focus on today and not tomorrow but if the today involves too much stress then take a little time out sick. Is it possible for you to do any of your work at home? I used to work at home on Wednesdays and found knowing I only had 2 days in a row really took the pressure off. I hope you are having a nice long break over Christmas, that might be all you need to recharge body and soul, but if you do need time out then take it. Someone said try counselling too and I agree. If the pregnant ladies continue to cause you upset, then talking to someone might really help.

Lots of luck to you, Katxxx


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## janie73 (Jul 28, 2011)

Hels, I saw your post this morning. Just wanted to say that I totally understand as have been in exactly the same situation. I have had to cope with three pregnancies at work over the last year... small team so extra claustraphobic. One of them was announced on the day I returned to work after my chemical pregnancy. I felt like I was suffocating. I actually had a stroke of luck as an office reshuffle meant that I got moved and I can't tell you the difference that made... just being physically removed from the constant chatter was so liberating. One of the girls (who wasn't pregnant at the time) knew about my situation and she used to say that she didn't think there was that much baby-talk.... I guess it depends on your perspective. For me it felt like it was constant... I guess people don't realise how highly tuned we are to this stuff.

I agree with the other ladies, working at home has helped me loads. I eventually broke down on my (male) boss mid-3rd cycle. It was hard but I'm glad now I did as I think it has given him some idea of why I may have made certain decisions in the past. I also took some sick leave after my second attempt - got the GP to sign it off as 'gynae' reasons as knew nobody would question it. It helped me to get myself together. I could probably have done with it again after this third attempt as to be honest, I really fell apart. In retrospect it probably would have been better for the company I work for if I had. Productivity not been great!! If you need to take the leave then just do it. I would also say that counselling has really helped me. I don't go often but I feel it has stopped me from lashing out at friends and helped me to not feel so let down by everybody.

Reading all these posts makes me sad as I can relate to so much of what the other ladies have said. I try to step back and think about the lessons I have taken from this... I try really hard now to never be judgmental of people as you just never know how things feel or what is going on under the surface

Good luck and take care of yourself.
Janie
xxx


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