# How to deal with..



## Isuat (Jul 4, 2011)

Hi all

Im looking for advice on how to deal with all the emotional stuff that comes with infertility. Im sure theres a thread there somewhere but I couldnt find it.

After failing my second IVF cycle Im finding it really difficult to deal with all my pregnant friends and family.  
I know thats incredibly selfish of me but I cant help but get upset each time I see my pregnant sister.  I love her and we are really close but Im 2.5 years down this road and she in the mean time has had a little girl and is now pregnant on her second (both pregnancies happened immediately).  And Im still in the same position as I was nearly 3 years ago with it not looking very good for me.  One of my other sisters complains about being tired from no sleep with her toddler (4th) and I find it so hard to listen to it.  All I can think of is "I would do ANYTHING to be so tired from being up with my baby". 

I wouldnt wish this on anyone but I cant help but be angry that its been so easy for my sisters and so incredibly difficult/impossible for me.  I know I have this disease but I feel like Im being punished for living with pain for 10 years and I cant get my head around it. Its just not fair.  

Each time I see her she unconsciously rubs her big belly or mentions some pain that shes having.  I asked her to please not complain about being pregnant to me as it upsets me and she apologized immediately and of course I feel bad as I dont want them to have to tiptoe around me.  Its starting to get to the stage where I dont want to see them because I know I will end up upset.  At the same time I feel SO bad for being so jealous and so angry and so upset - Im not angry with her, I wouldnt wish this on anyone but its SO difficult to be around them right now.  

I thought that this would pass after a week or so but it hasnt.  I dont want this to spoil my relationship with them and I dont want to let them down by not being supportive..

Can anyone provide any tips on how to deal with all of this?  I know I need to get over it and not be so angry but Im finding it incredibly difficult and just want to shut everone away.


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Isuat just wanted to send you   . Its so hard to cope with people around you having the one thing that you want. Its impossible for anyone whos not been through it to understand fully.

It def isn't a case of just getting on with it you can't help how you feel and pretending you dont feel like that wont fix it. I found a book called fertile thinking by Anya sizer helpful and for me black humour is a way of coping so I found comfort with looking at the 999 reasons to laugh at infertility website- Everyone is different and what may fit for me may be wrong for others. 

Do you have access to a counseller- My gp referred me to a general one as I did not have access to specialist fertiltiy one but it was still helpful. 

I dont know how you and your sister normally deal with emotional issues- I suppose you could show her your post if you want to open up a discussion.I dont think you are being selfish at all.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Isuat


I am so so sorry that you are having such a rough time the feeling that you feel are completely normal.


I don't have any sisters but have 3 brothers. Since we have been trying for a baby one brother has had one child and has one on the way another brother has 2 and another on the way.  His wife got pg 4 months after giving birth to their second one   .  It is soooo hard but i try not to expect too much from myself.  I always say congratulations and act pleased for them but i don't ask them every time i see them how its going.  Not being rude but its only a pg and something that happens all the time, so i try and see it as just that. ( i am not being harsh).  I am aware that for me its actually me who intensifies it and thinks of it as something really big!  and of course it is for me cos i want it sooooo badly and carnt have it, but in the grand scale of things its only someone else getting pg, if that makes seance  ?  I guess i try and have a bit of a mans attitude about it!  This has really helped me as i am able to get over the upset of it all a lot quicker.


I also try and remember that others have struggles in different areas of their life.  They may get pg easily bit their life is still not perfect.  Remember you are on your own journey to motherhood, just as they are.  It does not change the course of your journey just cos others have got pg easily. Stay focused and try and re focus your energy into your own journey and forget others. xxxxx


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## Isuat (Jul 4, 2011)

Thank you Morrigan and Coweyes  

I guess I was feeling so bad as I was looking at it as "its never going to work for me" but I said I would have 3 tries so I still have 1 more left.  I saw your BFP Morrigan and that really gave me hope and made me smile - especially after your BFNs.  Massive congratulations to you and fair play.  I cant imagine how happy you mustve been after going through your own battle.  That really made me feel more positive like maybe thereis hope. 

Coweyes - I know you say its only someone getting pregnant but when its the only thing you have ever wanted it doesnt feel like something minor and the fact that they are family and have had no problem makes it harder - like why is something thats so easy for them so difficult for me?

I suppose I feel like I've failed.  The idea of never having children is something I have never thought about before and these 2 failures are forcing me to think about it.
I find the fact that I have no control over it very difficult.  I have always gotton what I wanted through hard work and determination but this is something I cant fix by working all night.  My whole world feels like its in someone elses hands and that it doesnt mean as much to them - Im just a patient in a list of so many.  

I was so sure that it was going to work first time and now Im emotionally exhausted, financially drained, Ive put my body through hell RA wise as well as the cycles and Ive nothing to show for it.  Family and friends dont realize how lucky they have it.  I know everyone has their own troubles but Im 38, single, have had RA for 10 years and the only thing Ive ever wanted is being pulled away from me so I guess I was feeling sorry for myself - the grass is always greener.  

Anyway thank you both for your replies and I wish you both lots of luck and happiness for the future. Its so nice to be able to talk to people who understand and can relate to me - it makes the world of difference.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Isuat


I know its very very hard i certainly was not implying it was anything other than that.  I just mean that we see pg people everywhere and it hurts like mad esp if its a relative or a friend.  Its so hard to try and take it as a natural thing and not to hype it up as its brings out such hiddious feelings.  I used to spend days crying and feeling nasty about it all.  I got so court up in all the mixed feelings, why arnt i happy for them, well lets force it and try and ask lots of baby related questions etc.  But this didn't work for me either.  My dh said no one expects you to feel over the moon about it, just say congratulations and leave it.  I kind of found a happy medium with this.  Its still very painful but quicker to get over and not so confusing.  But that's just my experience.


I know what you mean about giving it 3 goes.  I was lucky enough to have 2 goes on the nhs.  One a bfn and one an early miscarriage.  I moved to a new clinic hoping to do egg share, they did a test and found out that i have a ballanced translocation, a chromazone problem.  There was a low chance my nhs cycles would have worked   .  What a waste of time and effort!  We now need pdg and our treatment is going to cost £10,000 a go  .  I am aware that we are at the beginning of the end, if you know what i mean.  But its so hard cos we are also just at the beginning of our treatment now we have the right diagnosis. 


Anyhow i hope that you are able to find a way of seeing your sister with out all the hurt. xxxx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

It is hard, darling I agree.
I actually left my old job because I felt bullied but a pg colleague rubbing it in my face every day, despite me asking her to be more considerate and explaining about my miscarriage.
I am not sure how I'd deal with my sister getting pg, she is younger and lives abroad but I fear I may actually stop talking to her.
Yes it feels selfish, but those are the feelings that come with being involuntarily childless... I am sorry you are going through the same thing.
As for family members I am sure a large part of you is pleased for them, so maybe you could try and force yourself to focus on that, rather than on your own troubles. If the situation were reversed you wouldn't want to worry about upsetting your sister, but it is such a tricky situation...
I am going to see my 8 years younger cousin who's pg at a family party in August and I dread it. I've always got on well with her, but I will be there without a man or child as the eldest of all my cousins not to have a family of my own. 
Yes I feel sad, but I am hopefully going to enjoy the day - I am very popular with all my cousins' kids, and will be determined to have fun instead of moping on the day. I rarely see my family and I want to be happy for them... xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Isuat    . No tips I'm afraid, but wanted to let you know you're not on your own. It is incredibly hard to deal with pg women especially when you have been through so much to try to achieve your dreams. I really don't know how I would cope if my sister were to announce that she was pg, I am finding it hard enough dealing with a member of staff that has announced that she is pg this week, especially with her announcement being so close to my recent M/C. Life is so unfair at times and this journey certainly raises feelings and emotions that we don't want to feel, but I think it's only natural to feel jealous and angry. I hope that you can find a way to stay in touch with your sisters without it hurting too much   .
Lou-Ann x


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Isuat,

What a nightmare it all is, I feel just the way you do about it all.  I'm sorry I don't have a cure either.      I've had a lot of loss in my life and no-one has ever really understood how it effects just everyday life never mind any of the big stuff.  I must say counselling really helped me although not so much with family situations.  The only thing that has helped is not keeping it all in.  My sis was throwing out more toys and clothes yesterday and I said - please don't talk about throwing out baby stuff when I am broke and trying to have a child on my own.  She's chucked everything out!  I know what you mean about not wanting people to walk around you on eggshells but you need a bit of consideration too.  I try to do more things I enjoy and try to tell myself that doing stuff like writing my book makes up for it...but it doesn't.  Lots of these     and I wish I had a wee suit of armour for you or a deflection shield, now wouldn't that be a good thing!  

Take care,
Diesy


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