# Really struggling today



## lollylovelace (Nov 30, 2004)

I know I have a beautiful son and i know that it happened naturally for us (Lord knows how?) But he is due to start school this week and in my grand plan I was hoping that I would have another child by now to fill the void. I have some very dear friends who are pregnant and my best friend had a baby on Friday, i feel very cheated and frustrated, Couples can take the decision to have a baby for granted they stop birth control and it just happens, my partner having the problem doesn't help, unfortunately bears the brunt of my lows, I go from one emotion to the next towards the end of my cycle there is so much hope and optimism and then after my period or a negative pregnancy test (of which i should have shares in by the way) such extreme lows. It does affect our relationship and he becomes increasingly frustrated with me and his male pride doesn't cope with it all that well, I know he is hurting too and feels bad he can't give me the thing that I yearn for most but I need to talk to someone. The doctor in the nicest possible way told us to give up and that when i do it may work but patience wasn't one of the things I have been blessed with. We had our chance of IVF before we had my son Theo and i think knowing that we could go through that process took the weight off and we just conceived a true miracle! But now he is here we could try ICSI but on a self funding basis and that just is not an option (unless i win lottery) I have trawled the internet for something anything that may help with no joy. I accept that I am blessed to have my boy and think maybe it is him starting school that could be making me wobble, I just spent the last tenner in my purse on a 6 day early pregnancy test for it to be negative!! And i want to scream, we have no other options that to leave it up to the gods (but they aren't listening!)


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## caz24 (Nov 25, 2004)

hiya,

just wanted to send you a big   not sure if this is an option or not but maybe you could egg share ? take care  

caz x


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Massive hugs - thinking of you xxx


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## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hiya,

I just want to say I know how you feel.  When we started ttc no 2 I had in my mind that we would try and aim to have another one just a few months before T started school so we could have a little bit of time together before she went off, then I thought it would be lovely to have her starting school actually so we could be at home together. And now she's just tarted her 3rd year.  

I know how painful it can be, and I also know that that doesn't mean you don't appreciate your little man already.  I adore her, and that's so much why we want another. 

I've now given up worrying about the age gap and just hope and pray that we will be blessed one day. We have similar problems, my dh has low motility and count and I seem to have one tube blocked. It's soul-destroying. 

I don't know ho old you are, but we did take about a year or so to scrape together ICSI funds and will probably do it again if and when we need to.  It is really important to remember the miracles though, which on most days I can and then I know other days when I get very low about it. There are other people here who know how you feel. 

Lots of love and hugs.  I'm not sure how much I will have helped, but I just wanted to show you I know how you feel. 

Love Clare xxx


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## jobo5572 (Jan 31, 2008)

lollylovelace - just to let you know I know how you feel and you are not alone in feeling this way.

My DS has just turned 4 and started school yesterday. I am so sad that my (only) baby has grown up so fast and I really do feel that secondary infertility (SIF) has taken over my life so much over the past 2.5 years that I must've missed out on so much of his growing up and I feel so bad for that  .  If only I'd known that I was going to have SIF then I would have cherished every moment of my DS' life even more than I have already as I would've known that I'd never experience it again with another.  I am gutted that DS will be going to school 5 days a week and I don't have another baby/child to look after or a sibling for him to come home to.  I have even decided to go back to work 5 days a week once he starts school as there's no reason for me to be at home on a Friday any more.  I got through yesterday somehow and that is another major milestone reached/overcome, and chances are that'll be the last chance I have to do the starting school thing as I won't have another child to go through it with  . I suppose that makes yesterday even more special.  However, I realised last night when I picked up DS from school that as he's in a first, middle & high school system, he'll never go to school with a sibling if by any miracle one arrives one day.  It made me very sad  .  

Thinking of you


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## lollylovelace (Nov 30, 2004)

Thanks so much for all your replies, I am 31 and my partner is 42, I managed to hold myself together on Theo's first day of school and wonder if it might help me to perhaps relax and get me into a routine become slightly organised. 
I have been looking on line for help with perhaps Proxeed which i have read could help to increase count and motility? I have DP on Well man and i am always finding tips and hints for TTC. I think this is a positive way of looking at things and also helps me focus on something but DP says I'm becoming obsessed this has lead to huge rows as i know i am not, I'm just trying to come up with solutions. He is a typical Alfa Male and does not like to think the problem is with him and has huge issues with it all, and as with all things in his life he has ostrich syndrome totally burying his head in the sand! Only resulting in us becoming miles apart and creating such a huge rift!
Periods are so irregular 32 days one month then 42 the next making it impossible to calculate ovulation am trying temperature charts and ovulation sticks told DP as suggested that it helps to have sex every other day and he says i am taking all the fun out of it.
Asked my GP about chlomid but having had all relevant blood tests come back normal he won't prescribe as it may do more harm than good.
It is frustrating that i am totally beyond help and not sure how long i can carry on like this.
Best friend just announced she is pregnant with twins hey some people have all the luck.
Just 1 would be Fabulous.
Not sure how I can go on without the full support of my partner I'm so low our relationship seems doomed! (we have had row last night resulting in him sleeping on the sofa so maybe just a little neurotic than usual and due on Sat just gone, so hormones are raging) and after testing again on Mon I am definitely NOT PG.
Read all your posts and made me cry your all so kind and your words of support have helped so much.
Maybe I should seek the support on here instead of DP.


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## bridgeta (Sep 22, 2008)

Sending you a hug  

I know how you feel, I have one son with my DH who is 7 in October.  I sometimes feel so guilty for the way I feel about wanting a second child.  I am really thankful that I have one child but it doesn't stop me wanting him to have brother or sister so much.

So many of my friends have two children and one of them has even said to me - I had to wait six months to conceive with no 2 and was starting to get desperate - try 4 years.  Other friends (with 2 children) tell me that I should be thankful that I have one child.  I'm fed up of being asked by people so do you think you'll ever have more children?

My DH has low mobility sperm and I have one blocked tube and one partially blocked, so I do think that our DS was a miracle but it still doesn't stop it hurting any the less.

We have been fortunate enough to be able to extend our mortgage to be able to afford ICSI and are just starting our first cycle.

Good luck, I know exactly how you feel.  My DH and I's relationship was awful at the beginning of last year and I really didn't think we would get through it, the only way we could was to stop the baby thing for a few months which also meant abstaining from the relevant activities but we really had to re-discover what it was like to be together and how important our relationship was.


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