# message for drowned girl



## faeiry (Jan 12, 2010)

Hi drownedgirl,

i tried to send this message to your inbox but its full so i've taken the liberty of posting it here.

Hi there, you may remember me from a few months back, you kindly replied to some of my questions about donor egg IVF.  Well, we hit the jackpot and i'm currently  9 weeks, its been a rollercoaster as i've had bleeding but last scan all was well and no bleeding since.  Anyway the reason i'm mailing you is to ask whether you had any moments of "oh my God what have i done".  Don't get me wrong i'm delighted to be pregnant, its been such a long long road to where we are now.  Do you think its normal to get these moments?  I did see a therapist before treatment and she and i were sure that i was ready and capable to go this route.  No one else seems to talk about this on any of the threads and i hope i'm not insulting/upsetting anyone by posting it here.  

We have decided that we will be open about the donor egg once the baby is old enough we will introduce the concept to him/her and siblings, then family as i believe that secrets are never good.  Maybe the reality of all this is just hitting me now.

I can see from your posts that you are honest and outspoken so i would truely value your opion on this but if you don't want to discuss/reply then thats ok too.
Kind regards,
Laura


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Hi!!

Sorry I must clear my inbox...

I must admit occasionally being pg now with our new baby, I have the occasional moment when I think "Oh, f*&@!" but that's mostly to do with having twins already and wondering if we will cope ok. 
I think every woman who gets pg will have moments of doubt about the huge responsibility we're taking on.. we know our lives will never be the same again and worry all at once about whether we will be good mothers and will our children turn out Ok or will they end up as homeless drug addicts... hormones certianly don't help!

Throw into the mix the complexities of donor egg (who will the baby look like... will people make lots of comments, will it feel like MY baby, when s/he's a teenager will they say "you're not my real mother!") and it would be an odd person who didn't have a lot offeelings going through their head.

Have you read Kami's blog? She has written a lot about her feelings through de pg and birth.. very open and honest.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Kami:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=171097.0


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

And have you read this?

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother 


There are women that become mothers without effort, 
without thought, without patience or loss 
and though they are good mothers and love their children, 
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, 
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. 
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, 
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her 
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, 
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight, 
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, 
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 
I am a better wife, 
a better aunt, 
a better daughter, 
neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, 
I have been tried by fire and a hell that many never face, 
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, 
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, 
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth, 
to accept when life is beyond hard. 

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in these shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

With regard to telling people, I was nervous about it.

What I did in the end was to compose an email that explained it all and send it out to family and friends after our 12w scan. I found this easier than trying to broach the subject in person...

Once people knew, there were a few questions and everybody has now met our donor and her family (her and her DH are the twins godparents) and it has been much easier than I thought it would be. With regards to medical personnel, I felt it best to share the info early on for reasons like, accurate NT scan, higher risk of pre-eclampsia, and so as not to have secrets from my midwives....

I don't always tell EVERYBODY all the time and sometimes it feels very slightly awkward.. for eg in the park the other day a lady said "ooh they're so blonde! where did that come from?" and DP said "My twin brother is very fair" just as I was about to say "DS1 was blonde as a child" (which is true) 

I must admit I have noticed just recently that their eyes have stayed very blue... both DP, I and DS1 have the same colour eyes, sort of slate grey/pale blue.

I am not sure what colour our friend/donor's childrens eyes are.. I am pretty sure hers are blue, either the bright blue came from there or the twins eyes will fade as they get older. 

I think with DE, frequently you FORGET your babies are DE.... (I still checked the twins had only 5 fingers per hand  at birth as my mum had told me 6 fingers run in our family!) (Actually now I know it was me that wa sborn with 6 fingers but that's another story!!!)  and then other days, little reminders keep popping up. 

Obviously, you love your baby/ies and there is no difference to loving your genetic child.... but it would be wrong to say the donor aspect isn't important. If you're someone's mother, you are the custodian of so much information about them and shared history... noone else will recall if a child has had rubella and when and at what age they took their first step... carrying with you the donor information is all part and parcel of being a mother to this precious being, in my experience...


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## faeiry (Jan 12, 2010)

Thank you so much for taking the time to post so much info and advice, i am very grateful!  I think i just hit a bit of a realisation wall the other night.  Sometimes when you are on the infertility road you just keep your head down and do what you have to do, now that its looking likely that this pregnancy will work out its like "ok this is what i've wanted for so so long, now i have it!!!  I guess its like a waterfall of emotions".  I was afraid that i would feel panicky for the whole pregnancy and end up a basket case!  Since then i've felt much calmer and certain.....got some pregnancy relaxation cds and thats a lovely way to unwind when it gets a bit much.   

I like the idea of sending a letter to family rather than face to face.  Just not sure when to tell them, was thinking a few weeks after birth to give us time to bond before dealing with other peoples feelings.  I know that its going to affect my family most, for obvious reasons but also because i know that its something my Mum is going to have problems getting her head around (told her we had IVF and i know that freaked her a bit!)  Have kept a diary for the last year so that might help with writing that letter.  I also have to think about when to tell my son and daughter!

I'm off to read that blog you recommended.  Again thanks so much for your insight.....best of luck with your pregnancy and, yes you're going to be busy but what a great way to be!!  I've already started to think about our frostie......Oh man this is such an emotional big dipper!


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I found telling ds1 was quite easy....


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## faeiry (Jan 12, 2010)

Telling my DS8 and DD4 seems easy, i just explain about eggs and sperm and how mummy had to borrow an egg, i think they won't have a problem with that.  Kids are so straight forward, we adults could learn a thing or two from them   .
I guess in terms of timing with telling family i'll need to make sure that they don't tell before we do!  
Hope your pregnancy is going well....getting near the magic 12 weeks now!!  I think i'm about 9 days behind you


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Yes, so far so good (but tired!)


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## fiona in welwyn gc (Dec 5, 2008)

HI

Aww - what a lovely poem Drowned.  I think that is true, I think we will cherish our children.  I am wondering what to do about telling people.  I don't want to hide it because that feels like it should be hidden, but equally I wonder if my child (to be) will resent me for telling people.  Oh godness, what am I thinking - I am not every pregnant yet


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