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## Ktd185 (Oct 7, 2013)

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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi, sorry to hear you're struggling with the reactions of your friends! It's not nice hearing those responses, especially when it sounds like you chose two friends only because you trust them. I had friends offering their boyfriends/other family members up to me (I'm in a same-sex relationship) which was equally unhelpful and tactless, especially as I'd told them my tubes were damaged!

It's difficult for people to understand when they don't know much about infertility. I don't think you need to have experienced it to understand, but a lot of people haven't heard much about it and don't know enough to be as supportive as you can need them to be. Have you tried explaining how it is for you? It can be difficult, because it gets very personal and sometimes, you don't want to be sharing every little detail with friends/family but it can help them understand your situation and support you better.


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

it really is bizarre the way people react!

My sister offered to be my surrogate - which i swiftly let her know that was not helpful at all - she seemed offended by my reaction but luckily i had the support of a family friend there at the time, who has never been able to have her own children, and she backed me up so my sister quickly shut up.

its strange aswell that most peoples reaction is "he's (DH) probably not doing it right" which i take as meant in jest but theres no problem with DH his sperm always comes back really good - if there is a problem its me and yet most people assume its him.

the main one that really gets to me though is "i cant wait for you to get pregnant" - yeh cause im doing this for you arent i! 
and i know thats meant in a nice way but a) it feels like peoples expectations for me to get pregnant are weighing me down, b) it makes me feel like im not trying my best to get PG or else surely it would have happened by now and c) kinda feels like they completely gloss over the fact that actually its not easy for us and your understanding would be more appreciated rather than your excitment at the prospect of us getting PG.

to be honest i have now pretty much sussed who i can and cant talk to about it and supprisingly my sister and my mom are on the 'cant' list and my 3 pregnant/just had babies friends are on the 'can' list.
everyone else i tend to keep at arms length

since ive been on this site ive found less need to talk to anyone else about it, except DH, as i get all the support, advice and empathy i need from the lovely ladies on here.


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

I think that unless people have gone through infertility problems themselves, they will never know how it feels or understand the situation.

I think most people when they reply don't mean to upset or offend, it's just due to lack of understanding. Best thing to do is take what people say and let it go over your head.

Good luck x


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## Buttongirl14 (Oct 25, 2013)

I think part of the problem I'm having is that many of my friends are not ready themselves to have children, or don't want children at all and therefore don't understand a) why we want to have children in the first place and b) why it's such a big deal that we don't seem to be able to have them. The other side of it is that people who do have children or are pregnant who haven't had problems, it's just not a big deal to them because they've never had to face up to the fact that it might be difficult or they've not wanted it in the same way. I'm not saying they don't want their babies, but they've not had to wait for as long, so it's a different kind of want. I'm getting really obsessed about all this, it's like everything is linked with babies, I don't want to decorate rooms in our home, in case we get pregnant and then we'd need to decorate a nursery. People just don't understand unless they've been there. And the "it'll happen when you're ready"!!! I've been ready and it ain't happening, are they trying to say I'm not ready? eek!


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## NinjaSparkles (Nov 6, 2012)

Somebody said something to me recently that has really stuck with me - sometimes people don't know how to respond or what to say to make you feel better (or they know they can't), so instead they say something which makes _them_ feel better. Maybe in their minds, by suggesting you relax/go on holiday/any other pointless suggestion, they feel as though they've at least heard what you're saying and reacted - even though that reaction is utterly infuriating and unhelpful!

I couldn't agree more that the "relax" line is one of the most annoying things to hear, as well as "stop trying so hard" - oh yeah, sorry, if we stop DTD around the right time of course we'll get pregnant. Silly me! I think because infertility isn't talked about very much, unless you or someone very close to you has had to deal with it you just don't understand how devastating it is, and I truly believe you can only totally understand it if you've been through it. A couple of friends who know our TTC story might think they know and understand our struggle, but there's so much that isn't said and is felt.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I do not speak about infertility to anyone but my husband and one of the friends who is struggling as well, in addition to the ladies on the forum. Of course, I share some deyails with my mum but because she worries a lot, I try to spare her ad much as possible.  It is much easier not talking to people plus it closes doors for people's questions.
When rhey adk, I just tell them "our babies are a matter of time"  and nobody asks further


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm so sorry that anyone else has experienced this.  For some reason, infertility makes people so uncomfortable that they either turn into complete idiots or don't say anything at all.

I love the holiday comment for it's complete lunacy, I mean honestly.  Imagine if you used that principle for anything, 'I'm so sorry that you've lost your job, a good holiday will sort it out though'  .  Mind you, thinking of booking a holiday to the Maldives now Madrid333, I'd love twins!!

I confided in my best friend, a mum of 2.  Her reaction was to send me a long, long email about why I was so lucky not to have children (I don't have to get up at night, I don't have to sit through long school plays etc etc).  We don't really talk much anymore  

I'm like you Cosmopolitan, I don't really talk to anyone about it anymore, except for you lovely ladies.  I wish that I could talk to my DH about it more, but it makes him uncomfortable too.  Thank goodness for you xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

worse than 'relax' is 'maybe it's just not meant to be'.

it's somehow more socially ok to get cosmetic dentistry (fixing something so you look better) than it is to get help conceiving 


people who want boob jobs or tattoos or new teeth - go ahead, that's fine, but a baby? oh, suddenly 'what nature provides' is supposed to be 'end of discussion'.

grrrr.


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

Madrid your comments really made me smile , so funny! 

I am amazed at everyone's comments too , when I told my mum that my hubby had low sperm count she said all I have to do is relax and have a few drinks and it would happen if I am enjoying myself!   well I'm sorry it will not as there is not enough sperm! Needless to say I no longer discuss things with her. 

Gold bunny I think I would have a meltdown if someone said that too me! Grrrrrrrrrrrr! 

Good luck ladies and agree its good to have each other for support!   Xxx


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## Amanda.g (Aug 4, 2013)

I've also had trouble with friends and my niece saying inappropriate things seems as they've had children in the conventional way they think they know it all, I know they meant well but sometimes I just want to scream and cry, I've had wait til your baby is walking up every few hours or is having a tantrum or wait til your in labour ..I'm thinking I'm 35 and older than these ppl telling me this stuff do don't they think I know about labour and that babies cry and kids have tantrums so I said being it on I'd love all that and I know all that stuff but it's not going to change my mind then I said I know that if every lady had to go through treatment to get preg there would be ALOT less babies being born, it's really tough and the hardest thing I've ever done as yet but I'm still fighting and not ready to give up my dream of being a mum anytime soon. I've come to a slight standstill with my treatment at the mo as my doc found a fibroid in my uterus so I need an op to get it out then allow healing time before I can start menopur, I've been switched from buserelin to prostap and I'm really feeling it but hope to get back on track and have my embryo transplant before Xmas.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

It ir not something shameful neither it should be a secret, in my opinion. However,  the less people know, the less headache you have. And of course,  it varies from one environment to another-if noone is talking about it and it is being done,  I won't talk as well. Anuyoh, try not to take to much to your heart what others are talking.


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