# Reference from the ex



## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Hi all,

I'm new to the adoption boards as I'm still in the 6 months wait until we can officially apply but we've been to an open evening and we were told that they would seek a reference from any significant ex's.

This has terrified me! I lived with my ex for around 8 years and we owned a house together. We were in our 20s and never tried to have children together but we were planning a wedding. Only a couple of months before we were due to get married I basically got cold feet and left him resulting in a very heart breaking, long lasting and painful break up. He was extremely upset in the beginning and then became very resentful about the fact that I left him and after we had sold the house he made it very clear he never wanted to hear from me again, that he hated me and told me I'd get my karma.

I have carried a lot of guilt about leaving my ex like I did and even started to believe that my fertility issues were bad karma for me leaving him. He is now married with kids of his own and I'm really happy that things have worked out for him but also terrified of the adoption agency contacting him for a reference. I don't want him to know that we are adopting and I have this awful fear that he will give me a bad reference out of spite.

My husband is adamant that he will be over it and have long since moved on but I have never forgotten those last words he said to me.

Has anyone had any experiences of bad break ups and references? Any advice on what I should tell the agency when they ask?


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

No experience but always stick to the truth.
Social Services are very aware that breakups can be difficult, that not everyone gets on with their ex and not everyone will give a good reference.


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

We had a discussion about this in our initial interview for starting adoption process with a social worker last week - my partner's ex is very resentful and we know is not supportive of the idea.  Also he has kids with her so it's even more complicated.  We were very honest with the social worker about the situation and the history - she was very fair about it and they are completely aware that break-ups can go sour, they're quite used to it.  She reassured us that she's had adopters who have had negative references and still gone on to adopt - they may need to get a few more references to gather a bit more evidence, but one bad reference doesn't just automatically rule you out.  Also bear in mind that their main concern is the safety of the children - so unless he says anything to alarm them, it doesn't matter if he's supportive of the idea or not - they're not trying to find out whether people like you or not, just to make sure there's nothing serious to concern them, eg a history of violent relationships, abuse etc.  
I'm sure it will be fine, but definitely be as honest as you can.


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## jend0906 (Sep 28, 2012)

I had this issue as my ex had kids that lived with us so SS wouldn't let me go ahead without the reference. Mine was a very unhappy and mentally abusive relationship and he wasn't happy when I finally ended it. He made sure that the kids didn't see me and it ended very badly.
I too didn't want him to know that I was adopting, he had a baby very quickly with his new partner after our recurrent miscarriages. 
Anyway they contacted him and it did take a while but I went to panel without the reference and it was fine. I later found out that he sent a reference in after panel and apparently it was all positive, a huge shock as I expected him to slate me!
Just be honest, if you don't and they find things out it just looks bad. It might not be as bad as you expect.
Good luck!


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## Diddy692 (Aug 10, 2018)

Hi All,

I have an ex-husband and I was worried about my SW contacting him as we were together for many years and it didn't end great.  However, as we had no children together he has not been contacted.  My DH's ex-wife was contacted as they have two children together.  She was basically asked to sign a form to say whether she knew of any reason why he shouldn't adopt.  Even if she had said yes (which she didn't, and they're not amicable) she would have had to explain her reasons so it would be difficult to make up something that could be damning without any evidence to back it up.  It's my DH's children that the SW is more interested in and they are fine about it.  We're now in stage 2 and wouldn't be this far down the line if they had concerns we wouldn't succeed.

There is enough to worry about during this process, the best advice I could give is to be totally honest with your SW and worry only if and when the issue comes up.

Best of luck! 

Diddy692 xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Just be honest. I was engaged with a house with my ex and was honest, but actually they never contacted him as we never patented children together. My SIL won’t pursue adoption for the reason of her husband’s ex, which is entirely her choice, but is actually such a shame. SWs aren’t stupid, they’ll know the relationship ended for a reason and that sometimes people are bitter. I’ve known someone with a ‘bad’ reference be approved, they just have to tick the box and delve into all areas of significance of your life. Having said that I’d never recommend anyone saying that the relationship ended because if domestic violence. Yes they may not contact your ex in those circumstances, but they’d delve really deeply into how it impacted you, how your current relationship has been shaped because of your past, whether you got any professional support and if no they may encourage it. They’d ask around how it may impact your capacity to parent a child who had experienced similar and whether it could trigger secondary trauma. It would open a whole new, and worse can of worms. Lies catch up in the end too, so best to stick to the truth. Good luck everyone!


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