# I'm not too sure if I can do this....



## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

It all started with the initial phone call from our local council following an email I had sent about wanting to adopt with my DH.  Her opening statement was 'are you and your husband using contraception because its very important our potential adopters dont fall pregnant' well I nearly fell off my chair, I answered as best I could and explained that due to a very rare disorder my DH has there would be no way we can fall pregnant, because if a fertility expert has told us ICSI wouldnt work (one attempt failed) then there was no chance, she continued to push it until I confirmed yes we would!  

Then she started asking questions about my experience with children and what ages I has looked after my niece and nephew from etc etc, would I be giving up full time work and how did I think we would manage financially (!).  Finally she told us that because we wanted a child under 5 we would be in a large pot of people and that unless we were willinging to consider an older child or one with a disability it could be a very hard for us to find a child.  I found the whole 20 minute conversation exhausting and I came off the phone so angry.

In the post yesterday we received an information pack and an invite to an open evening and the covering letter again states we should consider sibling groups, older children or those with disabilities....we read the booklet on what happens next and the whole process seems to be so intrusive and daunting, I do uderstand they need to be thorough but having to have members of the family interviewed and handing over all our financial statements etc just seems so over the top (we dont have anything to hide).  

My DH says we should just go with the flow, but my hackles rise because I know that any old tom dick or harry can have a kid regardless of all the things they seem to want to check.  I know the fact I dont have contact with my mum anymore will no doubt come up and be discussed at length but I consider that private and in no way a factor in how I would parent.  

I am not normally this angry about stuff and I dont want to sound like a real moaner but I dont know how to just accept this is part of the process and let my negative thoughts go.

Anyway just wanted to get my thoughts down in writing so they dont continue to buzz round my head.


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## Guest (May 24, 2011)

Firstly, welcome to the Adoption and Fostering Boards.
Secondly, big ((hugs)) as it sounds as though you need them.

You are right, the whole adoption process can seem long and harrowing as SWs seem to want to know every intimate detail of your life. Many potential adopters feel the same way at your stage in the journey. However the reason they do so is because the children needing new families are special and they need to make sure they find the right new families for them. Unfortunately there are lots of reasons people decide to adopt and not all of them positive and the SWs need to make sure they have the right new parents - they are there to find parents for children not children for parents. Remember children who are adopted have special needs as at best they have already suffered one major loss and many have faced much more.

I found the best way to approach the process was to be open and honest and remember why its this way.

You will also find that much of the early stuff is quite negative and paints a bleak picture as they need to ensure that potential adopters are fully aware of what they are considering. That doesn't mean your child/ren will have major problems but that you are prepared if issues do arise.

Anyway, have a look around - read some of the stories and here are links to a couple of threads that might be particularly useful:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=243984.0
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=253477.0

Feel free to ask any specific questions you have; I'm sure someone will be able to help.

Bop


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## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

Thank you for the reply, I think I have been looking at this in the wrong way.  These will be children who have gone through major life changes and it should be about finding the right parent for them not about me having a tick list of things I want in a child.

Thank you, I feel better now.


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi sonybear,
Me and hubby recently got approved and i wanted to share with you something lovely that they said to us after. "We all appreciate how incredibly stressful this process is and how nerve wracking sitting infront of us today is, but it just shows that you will do whatever it takes for your family no matter how uncomfortable it may be for you. We are looking for strong, resilient parents and we feel you have these qualities and more, well done"
Will never forget those kind words and reaaly gave us a boost. It will be tought, no doubt about that, but you are doing something so worthwhile and special and those kind of achievements take lots of hard work. Don't let that woman put you off, grit your teeth, smile and hold your head high xxxxx


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi sonybear

Libby is right, they are definitely looking for strong people, the process is tough but actually not as tough as I thought it would be. I was totally put off by my first call to an LA, in fact set me back a year! They were incredibly negative and told us youngest we could adopt was 5 etc etc. So ring around, dont just go with your LA if you don't get the right vibe, we went with an LA 45 minutes away and they have been fab. When we called them it was like chalk and cheese and we have now been matched with an 8 month old little boy with no major problems, so it can happen!!!

Of course like Bop says they are looking for parents for children not vice versa but we have found the whole process quite enjoyable and definietly much less stressful than IVF! It has taken us 2 years from first enquiry but the time has flown.

Good luck!

panorama x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi there
i gave a talk at our LA prep groups a while back and said at one point 'Adoption is not for wimps'..apparently they use this now as some sort of strapline at the initial info evenings   but its true, you have to be tough to get through the process, its incredibly stressful..yes they will dig and dig, and nothing is private I'm afraid..you will no doubt have to talk at great length about the fact you dont have contact with your mum..and in fact you may actually find it useful   i thought home study  at some points was like having free counselling sessions  
grit you teeth hun and find a way to see it differently..it takes a while but one day you'll hear someone saying the things you're thinking today and you'll be the one saying what we're saying  

kj x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi sonybear,

I think everyone has pretty much covered what I would say to you, but I just wanted to add one thing. 
I too had no contact with my Mum (I also felt the same way as you, that it was an issue that wouldn't make a difference to how I would be as a parent). It is something I don't really like discussing as it is quite a painful subject for me. I presumed this would be a major issue and would cause us problems. In the end, our lovely sw just wanted to know how and why the situation came about and obviously touched on my relationship with my Mum growing up (which was fine), they always cover your relationships with various members of your family, so we expected that.

We found, (and many people have said the same) that the things you think will be issues most often turn out not to be.

I think if you go into the adoption assessment prepared for all aspects of your life to be under a spotlight and discussed then you will be prepared and will most likely find that it is better than you expected.

Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Sonybear
I had a similar experience to you when I first rang around to make enquiries with agencies and LAs. I ended up being interrogated by one who asked me how I would potentially cope with a child who was a product of incest or rape and how would I tell them about how they came in to the world. I also got interrogated about my religious beliefs and  the person who was speaking to me made a lot of negative assumptions I didnt like. I wasn't very happy like you - I only rang up during my lunch hour to ask them to send me an info pack!! But I carried on and simply crossed them off the list. In the end we found a VA who I just got a really good vibe from and who made us feel so welcome and we went with them. The agency who were negative towards me on the phone, rang me back some weeks later to ask why we hadn't gone with them - and I told them that I was made to feel much more welcome by the other agency and they had been able to support us and been very helpful from the beginnning. Ok I felt a little smug about that but really just hope they (she) altered her phone manner for future enquirers!! Basically what I am saying is you CAN do this - you just need to find the right people for you to help you through it. Dreams can happen!! 
Best wishes xx


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