# Single Women Pregnancy Loss - Part 2



## Sharry

If you would like a list to commemorate your angels, I can add it to this post. 
​ ​     ​


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## Elpida

FM


I can't imagine how hard yesterday must've been for you    


E x


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## Mifi

Thanks for the      JJ1 and E


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## wizard

FM sorry I haven't managed to post earlier.  Sending you love and hugs at this very difficult time (although I know that that the rest of the time is difficult too).  My thoughts are with you and your lost little one.   

Wizard x


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## bingbong

FM more hugs from me      

bingbong x


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## caramac

FM - thinking of you and sending you hugs.


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## lulumead

Big    FM
xx


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## Mifi

Thanks so much ladies       very much appreciated     

I find lately im thinking about them more and more     I think alot of it is nerves with the forthcoming IVF as im scared out my wits that it wont work but also scared that it will work and I might have to endure another loss    I guess this is pretty normal but nobody can tell you how to process these feelings. I suppose you just have to push through them but I do worry that psychologically im preventing myself getting pg somehow (hence all the BFN) because im so scared     but what are you supposed to do when that switch in your brain wont switch off     if money wasnt an issue I would try hypnosis and acupunture but I just dont have the money and they may not work anyway. I think that more time would help but when im struggling to get pg now - low amh etc. dare I leave it any longer - I guess I just have to keep on pushing through. Its so hard isnt it    I think im just so sad and scared   

Love FM XXXXX

Love FM XXXXX


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## ambergem

Sending love and hugs FM, I've only just seen your posts. Can't imagine how you must be feeling. It's so sad what you and lots of other ladies on here have been through   I think you're so courageous. Keep strong sweets and I hope with all my heart that you get your dream soon.  Thinking of you xxxx


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## ambergem

Wizzard, the poem you posted for little Louis was so moving. I admire your strength so much. Your little angel has a lovely mummy. Thinking of you    

Linz xxx


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## Mifi

Aww thanks so much Linz      its so hard for all of us    we just have to keep on going and    we all get there in the end      

Wizard        your kitty is just gorgeous


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## some1

FM   So very sorry to read of your pain hun.  I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Some1

xx


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## suitcase of dreams

FM     
I know those feelings only too well - desperately hoping it will work but at the same time being terrified it will work and then go wrong, etc etc....
Am thinking of you and wishing you all the very best for your next cycle,

  to everyone else who finds themselves here,
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi

Thanks Suity and Some1    much appreciated     feeling a little better today  - denial setting back in I suppose    all I can think about is my flight to the UK next week im sooooo nervous   


Huge        to all


Love FM XXXX


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## caramac

FM where are you flying from?


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## ♥JJ1♥

Today my   should have been 3 years old, I know people say babies don't arrive on their EDD but that is all I have to pin my hopes on - I always  find the day hard, but trying to keep distracted. Going to visit my friend and her baby, but my donor's partner is here with me. I do think that I should be rushing around planning a brithday party, balloons, cake, candles, singing Happy Birthday, happy faces, presents and excitement.  Maybe one it will happen for us- just when.......


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## wizard

JJ sending you love and hugs today.   I'm thinking of you and hope with all my heart that one day you _will_ be having those birthday parties.

Wizard x


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## suitcase of dreams

JJ


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## Felix42

from me too JJ


love & hugs Felix xx


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## cocochanel1

JJ1, so sorry hun. I am hoping with all my heart that you have your baby in your arms sooner rather than later. You are always such a tower of strength for everyone else. 
Big hugs for a hard day today.
Coco xxx


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## some1

JJ1

Some1

xx


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## smilingandwishing

jj1  

You were the first person to welcome me to FF and my heart and thoughts are with you today.  

Smiling xx


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## bingbong

JJ     

bingbong x


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## caramac

Awww JJ - I can only guess at how tough today is for you and want to send you lots of


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## Rose39

JJ1 - sending you a big hug today hunny.    

Rose xx


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## Mifi

JJ1 im so sorry       like you say dates are all that we have left to hold onto    I really    with all my heart that soon you will be planning birthday parties for your LOs             

Love FM XXXX


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## Lou-Ann

JJ       

Lou-Ann x


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## Chowy

JJ    and best of luck for future parties, there will be many and we all want an invite as they sound like they will be fun.   

Chowy xx


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## ambergem

JJ sending you love and hugs     at this terribly sad time. Like all the other ladies I hope you get to plan that birthday party one day    . You are in my thoughts

Linz xxxxxx


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## lulumead

JJ     
xxxxxx


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## kizzi79

JJ there are just no words    It must be so hard   . Take care   .

Love Krissi  xx


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## Elpida

JJ     


Thinking of you 
E x


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## ♥JJ1♥

Thanks for your kind thoughts folks, glad the day is over I had a few teas at various times. Where does the time go? It is so true that friends do forget totally it is like our  never happened.
L x


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## Betty-Boo

JJ honey - thinking of you x x
Take care mini x x


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## RichmondLass

JJ I hope it happens soon xxxrl


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## ♥JJ1♥

I thought I'd post on this thread and not bring the mood of the other down- it only seems like yesterday but in fact it was 4 yrs ago on 4 Dec at 3 pm that I discovered on my scan that my   baby had died. I often find the day hard as with due dates and spend a moment reflecting on what it should have been like having a 3 1/2 yr old running around getting ready for Xmas instead of still being on the TTC rollercoaster.

L x


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## Betty-Boo

JJ  thinking of you     

Take care x x x


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## lulumead

JJ1      Nothing I can say to make it better, wish there was. Its important to have time to reflect when you want to, its hard not to think about what might of been. 


I am crossing everything that your time comes soon, it is more than overdue and is very much deserved. I hope that 2011 is your year.


Hope you have your lovely boys with you to give you some TLC.  
xxxxx


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## some1

JJ - big    for a difficult anniversary - thinking of you

Some1

xx


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## ameliacooper

JJ

 

A


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## greatgazza

JJ    thinking of you on this sad day and hope that very soon you will be having very different anniversaries to remember and plan but never forgetting your angel.

GGx


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## wizard

JJ, sending you love and thoughts   .  I know how horribly difficult this time is.  

Love
Wizard xx


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## caramac

JJ - I can't even begin to imagine how terrible this kind of anniversary is but just wanted to send you some hugs     and let you know you're in my thoughts today.


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## bingbong

jj thinking of you and sending a big hug. 

Bingbong x


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## Lou-Ann

JJ, thinking of you     

Lou-Ann x


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## Rose39

JJ - thinking of you and sending big hugs     

Rose xx


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## Elpida

Thinking of you JJ, lots of love
E x x


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## Teela

JJ   

Teela x


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## ♥JJ1♥

Thanks ladies, I had a few tears and released a helium blue balloon with a note attached on the Heath-for some reasosn I always think that it was a boy but I have no proof! I said to my donor's partner that him and I were the only people to have seen the baby's heartbeating. I find it a bit more difficult as my godson's little sister was born on the day, I remember pulling myself together to ring her DH and congratulate them that night, she is having her 4th b'day party today- I always send her present a week or so early, we don't live in the same town- her mum must think I am v organised but I jsut get it out the way!

On another sad note- I am going to my friend's wedding on Friday, it is in the hospice where her DP is, he used to be our manager when we worked with the a charity for street homeless and drug users, and love blossomed there, and they have been together about 7 yrs, they were planning a life out of London and making moves for this. They have a 4 month old baby and he had a cough went to his GP for Antibiotics  a week later the GP sent him for an X ray as it hadn't gone and he was diagnosed him with advanced  lung cancer and lots of secondaries. He has been v unwell since a course of chemo and in hospital for 2 weeks, and now in the hospice.  In the middle of the terrible tragedy is a beautiful healthy bouncing baby girl oblivious to everything going on with her Daddy and Mummy.

L x


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## kylecat

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you JJ1 on this very sad day. You are always so positive and encouraging to all the ladies on here and it is well and truly overdue that your time should come.   

So sorry to hear about your friend - what a truly heartbreaking story.   

Love kylecat xxx


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## morrigan

Jj - it's all so very sad - the balloons a lovely idea - thinking of you.


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## suitcase of dreams

JJ -    
Yours has been a particularly long and difficult journey and yet you not only persevere but you are also so positive and thoughtful towards others
I truly hope that 2011 brings you the family you want and deserve, thinking of you at a difficult time    
Suitcase
x


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## GIAToo

Sorry for me post coming up, but not sure where else to post and feeling pretty low.

I am struggling these past 2 days. I have recently thrown myself into things to keep me busy, but as soon as I don't have anything to keep me occupied and I am just at home with a list of chores, my energy levels drop and I just can't get going. It feels like I am putting on a mask when I go out. I had a lovely night on Friday night at a friend's party and I almost felt like my old self, all dressed up and feeling vaguely attractive. I won't even allow myself to think of meeting a man these days. I think the unemployment thing is what is getting me down the most, but it's only the money side of things 'cos I still worry about how I will cope if I do get a job!







Having said that I have an interview on Friday so I better get my act together eh? I don't know how to explain how I feel as I know I really shouldn't be so down and keep thinking I should be over the miscarriage by now. I'm dreading January







Whenever I think of all the things I have to do, I feel so anxious which isn't like me at all. I'm trying to get excited about Christmas which I love, but can't even find the enthusiasm to wrap presents etc. I don't know how to "snap out of it".

Any suggestions? I've run out of ideas







 
GIA Tooxxx


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## greatgazza

Sorry you're feeling low.     It just all gets a bit much sometimes doesn't it and christmas is a pressurised time of year on top of everything else.

There's no time limit on when you 'should' get over your miscarriage so carry on feeling it and letting it out if you need to.  it's an especially hard thing for us singlies as it's not like we can just keep trying naturally etc, we've gone through  a hell of a lot that most people wouldn't ever be able to imagine to get that elusive bfp and then to have it taken away is especially hard.  Don't beat yourself up for struggling, it's totally understandable, and give yourself a pat on the back for all the positive busy things you are doing.  Whilst you might not totally be enjoying them it is a good thing to distract ourselves so we have less time to get sucked further down.

I'm afraid i don't really have any suggestions as tbh i'm totally and utterly hacked off with all of it at the moment and just feeling really wound up and fed up with it.  Just want to tell the world to f**k right off with its stupid fertility problems and treatment!!!   

Is there something in particular about January that you're dreading?

GGX


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## lulumead

Big   GIAT2. It is really hard, I can't summon any enthusiasm this year, thinking about the what if's.

I have no words of wisdom. I read this the other day which I found helpful.

http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/grief_issues.html

and this has lots of links

http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/6509.asp

xxxxxxxxxx

/links


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## bingbong

GIA2 just wanted to send you a big    . As GG says there is no 'should' and 'shouldn't' when it comes to how we're feeling, you're perfectly entitled to feel rubbish. Have you thought about having some counselling? I know that it's more money but there is cheap counselling out there if you need it, but it might really help you to have someone to process everything with. 

thinking of you   

bingbong x


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## GIAToo

GG - not looking forward to January as 13/1/11 was my EDD.  I'm sorry you're feeling hacked off with it all too.    Has your bleeding stopped? 

Lulumead - thank you for those links - really useful for realising your feelings are "normal" and also tips for getting through Christmas and all that entails. Hope you're ok   

BB - hello lovely.  Keeping up to date with you on **    You are doing brilliantly!  I have been seeing my counsellor every two weeks all year!    Should I ask for my money back??   Just kidding.  I always feel much better when I've seen her and it always helps me to put things in perspective etc.

Having read some of the articles on the links that lulumead posted, I've realised that it is ok and usual to still feel bad, especially with Christmas and my due date looming.  I just need to ride the waves I think.  I went out this afternoon and met a couple of FFs which was really nice.  Came home and cried some more.  I'm going to try and settle down to watch a film - I find it difficult to concentrate on things at the moment.  I do feel excited and hopeful when I think about my treatment and I got my prescription from Reprofit today   

Thanks girls    
GIA Tooxxx


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## lulumead

I think you sound very 'normal'!  Be weird if you didn't feel sad with your EDD approaching. Mine is shared with a friends baby who will be one...in some ways that is quite nice.


I will also add some positive vibes for your next cycle and cross everything for you.


Riding the waves sounds like as good a plan as any, it is after all a grieving process and that comes and goes, and sometimes catches you unawares!


Hope film is a suitable distraction.     


xxxx


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## greatgazza

Oh, no wonder you're dreading it, a very difficult time   

no, my bleeding hasn't stopped and has got worse with cramps and backache so although i was pregnant briefly i'm pretty sure i'm losing it.  Just so fed up with all this is.   

GGx


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## lulumead

Big     for you too GG...not surprised you feel fed up.  Will cross fingers that its just some weirdness going on and that all is ok.
xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

GIAT I really hope that the job prospects improve and that you get the career that you want and makes you happy.  I think that after your MC and with so many other things going on in your life you are doing so well to keep it together.  I had my mc 4 years ago and I feel that a part of me died too, all the hopes and dreams that you had for your LO and new life, I totally understand that the brightness and spark I used to have has gone. My career has suffered as it is now second place to TTC and so I have struggled at times, plus I was in a job I hated and so left in the summer, I have a new job in Jan, so hoping that it is better.
I saw a counsellor for 8 months after my subsequent failed cycle that hit me hard and then when I moved to DE's. 
I know that I am blessed to have some close friends for support- I haven't told my mother about my treatment as she would worry about me and has enough of her own health problems.
Has your counsellor given you any advice re due dates, on the pregnancy loss thread there was a topic on things that people do to mark their day- I often burn candles, release helium balloons with a note on, other people talk of releasing leaves and things into a flowing river, some people plant things.
With time it gets easier but you will never forget or be the same, and when you think that the tears have all gone they appear when you least expect them.
GG I really hope that your bleeding isn't a bad sign at that you still have a positive pregnancy, are you still testing yourself? What does Reprofit suggest?

Take care lovely ladies

L x


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## greatgazza

JJ i don't think reprofit would be much cop in this situation. when i emailed stepan on sunday to say i had tested positive but bleeding was getting worse i got the standard 'congratualations you are pregnant' email!  after another farcical day managed to get a beta done today and will have another on thurs via my GP/practice nurse as i insisted that i needed to know so i could stop high dose prednisolone and other meds, and start taking anti-depressants as soon as possible....still might not know till next week though.  

I did test again today and it's still positive but i really ought to stop doing them as hcg will show up on them for quite some time either way and it's probably not doing me any good.  Only the bloods will give a more conclusive result but i'm really pretty sure it's all over.

GGx


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## GIAToo

GG - read this diary. It's my firends diary, the one who bled profusely after getting her BFP and gave birth to a health daughter in October!! Proof that it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings methinks!   

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=138701.36

(if it takes you to page 1, skip to pages 4 and 5)

JJ1 - thanks for your msg hun. You have been through so much and are such an amazingly strong woman.   TBH I felt embarassed at the thought of doing something to mark my EDD, but today I made the decision that I really needed to do just that, nobody else's business and nothing to be embarassed about. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I've made a note in my diary to keep the date free (not that I'd forget the date!) I'm going to look for ideas on the links lulumead gave me. 

lulumead - sending some positive vibes right back at ya       and some    . The film made me cry!  But I cry at EVERYTHING these days 

Night lovely ladies - thanks for helping me through today  
GIA Tooxxxxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

Here's a thread about what people do to commemerate their angels on special days
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=92629.0
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=112181.0

plus the miscarriage association has support http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/support/remembering.htm

Don't forget baby loss awareness week and the ribbons.
http://www.babyloss-awareness.org/

/links


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## acrazywench

GIA2 -what you're feeling is totally understandable and is probably part of the healing process. I was a bit of a basket case as the EDD following my chem preg approached, the littlest things would start me crying. I imagine it must be much harder for you as you had had your first scan so your pregnancy would have felt far more real than mine. I really hope that 2011 brings happier things for you. Good luck for your interview on Friday, I'll be thinking of you.

GG - look after yourself, hun.

JJ1 - Good luck for the new job in January, I hope it goes well. I'm pleased you've had good support from those around you on your very difficult journey. You've helped so many of us through traetment, I hope so much that 2011 will be your year.

xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

GAIT- I think that the hardest thing with due dates is that you very much hope that you have got pregnant by the time it comes round and when years and years later and every anniversary you still aren't it just hurts more, as you do start to think was that my only ever chance, my situation hasn't changed for 4 years. Like acrazywwench says that we have our scans pictures and I do cherish my 3 baby scan pictures.
I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to loose your baby after a birth in such sad circumstances like Wizard and baby Louis.

Best of luck with your job interview. 

I find this thread was useful http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=45682.0

XX


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## wizard

JJ, thank you so much for your thoughtful words.  They touched me hugely and brought tears to my eyes.   

I am struggling dreadfully.  This time last year I was pregnant with Louis.  This week last year I was at the Fetal Medicine Centre, Whipps Cross and Kings Hospitals going through the agonising decision to terminate the pregnancy or go for the shunt with the prospect of a very sick and disabled child.  These past few weeks and the next few are a just re-run of that whole time.  The shunt went in on the 22nd, I was then back on the 5th, 12th, 19th January and then the fetocide on the 21st and delivering him on the 24th.

My heart is no better, my grief no less and my tears no fewer despite the passing of time.  I have absolutely no idea where the last year has gone, or what I have done with my time, apart from endure endless failed 2wws and disappointment.

I miss my son so desperately and would give anything - my life and my soul - just to hold him once more.

Wizard x


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## greatgazza

Wizard i am so sorry to read of what a truly devastating time you had last year and how difficult things must still be for you, especially at the moment.  Well done for getting through the year and being so brave to carry on with treatment, i so hope things change for you very soon and you have some positive news   

GGx


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## indekiwi

Wizard, I can't know what it is to walk in your footsteps nor endure / re-live your memories, but I think of you and your son often and so wish I could relieve you of this ongoing pain even for just an hour.  So hoping that 2011 brings you a longed for brother or sister for Louis.   

A-Mx


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## lulumead

Wizard sending you big    Hope you have folks around offering lots of TLC in the next few weeks and beyond. And I wish that 2011 brings you some happy news.
xxxxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard- I do wish that something could ease your pain, but I have no words or ideas to face your battle each day and reliving the events of last year must be so very hard. Just thinking about you- I love the beautiful picture on your avatar  
I hope that your father is behaving being more understanding and sensitive to your needs 

L x


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## GIAToo

JJ1 - Thanks for the thread link.  I think all pregnancy loss is difficult and painful    
 
GIA Too xx


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## GIAToo

JJ1 - Thanks for the thread link.  I think all pregnancy loss is difficult and painful    
   
  GIA Too xx


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## bingbong

Wizard I just wanted to send you some    . I can only begin to imagine how hard this time of year must be for you and I'm so sorry that you have had to go through the last year. I think of you often and will be doing so even more as Louis' birthday approaches.

bingbong x


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## lulumead

Hi Rose,


Sending you        It is very tough, and I can't think of a thing to say that can make it better. Its unfair and you have had a lot of bad luck along the way. I fully fully believe that will change and you one day have beautiful babies to love and cherish.


Thinking of you
xxxxxx


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## ♥JJ1♥

Rose  for your due date and your angel bab, I aways used to take the dates off work as I didn't know how i'd be, and then the counsellor said she'd lost her child aged 10 ish and over the years she allowed herself personal time/moments in the morning and the evening, as she said that life did have to go on but then she has 'me' time to acknowledge her loss and grief.  #

It is so hard when you are PUPO on a significant memory date, as you have hope and sadness colliding together! Thinking what should have been and what might be - I do so hope that you latest cycle works.



L x


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## greatgazza

Rose i'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through and what you have been through   .  It really does take over our lives doesn't it and time although a great healer isn 't great when it's passing and you're still on this rollercoaster and not where you hoped to be.  It turns things upside down and inside out and puts us through things we never could have imagined in our worst nightmares.  

Give yourself time today to commemorate your little one, a candle sounds nice.  I really hope things are going in the right direction with this tx and you don't have to think about any more goes.   

GGx


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## GIAToo

Rose - have sent you a message on **     

GG -     So sorry hun.  You have my number if you want to talk.


GIA tooxxx


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## wizard

Rose have text you but sending you love and hugs on this very difficult day   

GG I'm so sorry to read that your HCG dropped, the first number was so promising.  It's so cruel and unfair.  I have just had it confirmed that my cycle at reprofit - 3 HB from a 22 year old donor - was a chemical pregnancy.  There is no rhyme nor reason to it for either of us.

GIAToo I hope you're getting by ok.  I don't have any pearly words of wisdom (I'm still such a mess myself), but I do have some idea of how hard it is and I really feel for you.

Inde, JJ, cem, GG, bingbong and lulu, thanks for your thoughts and kind words.  When anyone posts in response to my loss I am still so hugely touched and grateful.  JJ thank you for commenting on my avatar, it's a drawing done by a school art teacher from 1 photo she had of Louis.  She did an amazing job, it is so like him and I treasure the picture so much.

Love to all of you who will not be with your LOs this Christmas.

Wizard x


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## Rose39

Thank you so, so much for your kind words. They really helped me to get through the day. I think now that when it's meant to happen, it's meant to happen... just statistically the longer I keep trying, with a clinic with good success rates, eventually it will work. I've been pg so I know it can work, and one day I'll have the baby (or babies) I'm meant to have. I just need to keep sane and positive and cope with life in the interim! I have to count the days until the end of March... but not so long to go really. Just a few days left until I can stop the drugs and start to feel better (it would be a miracle if it had worked but I honestly don't think it has)... onwards and upwards.

Sending big hugs to others that post on here.... wishing that none of us were in this horrible place. At least we can support and comfort each other through the bad days and look forward to better times     

Thanks again for all your kindness.

Rose xx


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## some1

Special Christmas thoughts to all the mummies who don't have their babies with them this Christmas.  Hoping that 2011 brings dreams come true for all of you   

Some1

xx


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## lulumead

Big     to all on here and hoping that 2011, brings good news.
xxx


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## Damelottie

Sending all my love and support to you all. Such difficult times and I    that all your dreams come true and the hurt starts to heal    .


Wizard - I also noticed your avatar. It is such a beautiful picture. I often think of you. So much undeserved pain     .


Lots of love


MK xx


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## Betty-Boo

Wizard - that is such a beautiful picture.            

I can not even to begin to imagine what those who have lost someone so precious must feel - but I do always think of you and pray that the pain will gradually become a little less for you.  I so wish I had a magic wand and could take away your pain.  

Take care thinking of you all x x x


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## wizard

It is a year ago today that I had my son killed.  Not a single day has gone by that I have not thought about it.  I don't regret my decision or think 'what if'; after he was born I knew he would never have survived had I tried to carry him to term.  But the thing that haunts me every day, that I can not reconcile, is that my decision went against everything that I instinctively wanted, and still want to do.  And that is to protect him from harm, to nurture him, and to keep him safe.  That is what mothers do.  And I feel I failed utterly in that.  My rational mind knows I did the right thing for him, but my heart, my emotion and my soul does not.  And not matter how hard I try I can not stop that gnawing feeling of failure.  It just doesn't respond to reason, nor the passing of time.  Every time I think of it, it breaks me as much as the time before.  The chasm within me is as wide and deep as it was a year ago.  The pain as sharp as a shard of glass.

I still have the shirt I wore that day in my cupboard with the blood from the feticide (my blood, not his).  I can not bring myself to do anything with it.  I can not throw it away, and neither can I wash and wear it again.  I close my eyes and I am there on that couch, my head turned away from the monitor but in the corner of my eye I can see the consultant concentrating so very hard on the screen as the needle went in to make sure he got Louis's heart.  I had to hold my breath to keep still as it was the only way to stop my body convulsing.  That evening I was convinced I felt him kicking but of course I couldn't have.  It was my crazy mind playing tricks on me.

I am sad that only one person in my circle of friends has remembered today / the next couple of days, and nobody in family at all.  Perhaps they will and I'm doing them an injustice but I fear not.  There are so many of you on this board that have offered me support and said such kind and compassionate things, many of which outweigh anything my family and friends ever offered and I am so very grateful for that.  

Wizard x


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## suitcase of dreams

Wizard


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## Betty-Boo

Wizard - words fail me - all I can say is am here


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## lulumead

Wizard,     it is so sad and unfair. But I believe that like Cem said you have shown yourself to be an amazing mum to Louis by making an impossible and heartbreaking decision. I wish there was something I could say that helped, just know we are all here for you and thinking of you,
xxx


----------



## Roo67

wizard -    I hope you can get some real hugs in the coming days.

R x


----------



## Chowy

Wizard

I too agree with CEM you made a very brave decision to protect and support your little man, you thought of him and not yourself when you made that decision.  I am not sure I could have done that and know of many others who wouldnt have.

Do you think that perhaps family and friends have remembered but are not sure how to broach the subject for fear of upsetting you further?  

You may not be able to hold Louis in your arms, but you have already proved yourself to be a wonderful Mummy and it wont be long until you hold Louis brother/sister in your arms and you can tell them all about their big brother and what a special part of your past, present and future he is.

    coming your way today and over the following days.

Chowy and Pup xx


----------



## greatgazza

Wizard thinking of you at this incredibly difficult time    

GGx


----------



## GIAToo

Wizard - I agree with the others, you took such good care of Louis and you made the best decision you could at the time. 
    

GIA Tooxxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Wizard, thinking of you     

Lou-Ann x


----------



## some1

Wizard   , thinking of you.  

Cem and Chowy, what lovely posts

Some1

xx


----------



## Rose39

Wizard, sending you big hugs       

Rose xx


----------



## bingbong

Wizard    I so agree with CEM and Chowy, what you did for your little boy was one of the most selfless acts that I can think of, you did it for him so that he wouldn't suffer and didn't think about yourself and your desperate desire to spend time with Louis. I have always been amazed by how wonderful a mummy you have been for Louis, the thought and care you put into his funeral was so inspiring and your continued love for Louis is clear to all. Louis is a lucky little boy to have you as a mummy. 

I am thinking of you at this terribly difficult time    

bingbong x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard I am so sorry, you made a very brave and courageous decision to protect Louis. Thinking of you.

L x


----------



## starbuck

Wizard - you gave Louis everything you possibly could and most of all you loved him and still do with all your heart.  Am thinking of you at this very difficult time.  If there was anything we could do to help ease your pain then you know we would.   

Starbuck
x


----------



## caramac

Wizard...I have no words that will make you feel better but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and sending you


----------



## Damelottie

Wizard - I am thinking of you and sending as much love as possible.


----------



## sweet1

Thinking of you today Wizard


----------



## kizzi79

Wizard you are an amazingly brave lady - Louis was lucky to have someone who would put his needs and welfare above their own - I cannot imagine what it must have been like to make that decision last year, but you did it to prevent him pain and suffering. I still think of you often, it is truely heartbreaking what you have been through      - I just wish there was something I could say to make it even a little better, but I know there is not, but I will be thinking of you often as you face this difficult time   . We are all here for you if you need to talk   

Love Krissi  xxx


----------



## aweeze

Wizard - it's all been said already but I'd like to share the thoughts of everyone else that has supported you on here. I recall the braveness you displayed whilst you tried everything possible to give Louis a chance at life in the outside world, the courageous decision to let him go and as BB has said the beautiful and loving things you did to say goodbye to him. 

You couldn't have done more for him. Your feelings now are what every loving mother, given the decisions you had to make, would feel. I think what you had to go through is one of the toughest things anyone could ever face - not only the loss of a child but the decision to end that life. What you did, saved him from suffering and I'm sure if he could talk to you now, he would thank you for that. Louis will always be in your heart and mind and you will continue to grieve his loss. I hope that in time, that pain will ease.  

You are often in my thoughts. 

Lou
XX


----------



## morrigan

wizard thinking of you- the strongest loving act is letting someone go and I can't even imagine how hard it was for you- You are amazing and an inspiration to all of us.


----------



## caramac

Wizard...I was not on FF this time last year so I have just read back your posts to understand what happened with Louis and I am sitting here in floods of tears for what you went through. Please don't ever feel bad for what you really had no choice in doing. Letting go of someone is the hardest thing ever in the entire world and when it's a much longed for baby it has to be a million times worse. You were and are so strong to have got through everything you have in this past year or more.


I feel so sorry that you didn't then and still don't now have the support of your close friends and family and hope that you can take some small comfort from the words of us on here - even if like myself I am a total stranger to you. Whilst I know you will never ever forget Louis, I do hope so much that life will get easier (or more bearable) for you as time passes.


Again I just wanted to send you some more


----------



## Teela

Wizard    no words seem valid or right, I think you are an amazingly strong person and I send you all my love
and lots of hugs. Sorry your family and friends have not been there for you.

Teela
xx


----------



## wizard

My darling boy

It is exactly a year since I cradled your tiny but perfect body in my arms, kissed your beautiful face, smelled your sweet skin and simply marvelled at you.  I fell instantly in love as soon as you were given to me (of course I loved you well before then but those feelings of seeing and holding you were like no other on earth).  What I wouldn't give to have those moments and hours again: there is nothing, nothing at all I would not give.  If there is any part of your soul or presence that lives on (apart from in me), I hope you are at peace my precious one.  I miss you more than words can ever say and love you more than I ever knew possible.  Thank you, sweetheart, for letting me be your mummy.  

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  A kiss for every week I carried you.

  

  

Thank you all so very very much for your kind, thoughtful and supportive posts.  They mean a great deal and have helped me get through the weekend.

Wizard x


----------



## lulumead

Wizard,      


xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Wizard - thinking of you         


Mini x x


----------



## Sima

Wizard - I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  Your words are beautiful and I am sure that Louis (your beautiful angel child) is listening and holding onto every one.      Take care of yourself and hold onto those precious memories.


----------



## starbuck

Wizard -     Thinking of you.  I'm sure Louis is watching over you.  

Starbuck
x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard thinking of you and Louis-I'll light a candle for your angel tonight 

L x


----------



## indekiwi

Wiz,                   

Little Louis, I didn't get to meet you honey but you have such a strong and loving mummy who for love of you took some very hard, heart wrenching decisions to save you from pain.  I want you to know that I and many other people are looking out for her and will lend her a shoulder to cry on and willing ears to listen whenever she wants to talk about you little man - you were so very wanted and are so very missed.   

A-Mx


----------



## acrazywench

Wizard       . You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mummy to beautiful Louis. I was in awe of your bravery and courage last year and I still am. I can't imagine how difficult today must have been for you, but I hope that knowing that you protected your little boy the best way you could brings you some comfort. 

xxxx


----------



## GIAToo

I have just posted asking where this thread was   

Feeling very low after my scan last night showed that one of my babies had no heartbeat.  I feel all the same things I felt when I lost my baby last year and all I want to do is hide under the duvet even though there is still one healthy looking baby there.    

GIA Tooxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

GIA2           


Be kind to you honey - it must be so hard, grieving for baby but staying positive for other twin too.


Take care mini x x


----------



## greatgazza

Oh Giatoo  I'm so sorry to hear that      Have been wondering how you are and figured you must be really busy and/or tired and not around on here much so it's sad that you have had that news and shock.

Try and hang in there and hold on to some positivity that your little one is strong and for keeps whilst not forgetting the one you have lost  

Lots of love GG xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

GiaToo, so sorry to hear your news, must be heartbreaking     . Thinking of you   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## lulumead

Big     GIAT, very hard to know what to think or feel I would imagine. All very confusing emotionally - just feel whatever you feel, and take it easy.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

GIAtoo -    
I know there are no words to help, but hang in there for your healthy little one
am thinking of you
Suitcase
x


----------



## Roo67

GIAtoo   ,  so difficult, but as the others have said you need to hang in there for your other little one.

R xx


----------



## some1

Thinking of all the mummies who don't have their precious babies with them today   

Some1

xx


----------



## bingbong

Thinking of you all today   

bingbong x


----------



## Rose39

Sending big hugs to everyone today.        

It would have been my second mother's day... can't believe how quickly time goes.... hoping that one day I'll finally be posting on the singlies waiting for their first scan thread again.... (started downregging for cycle 10 last night).

Rose xxx


----------



## wizard

Thinking of all of us today who are without our little ones 

My darling boy

Today would be our first Mother's Day together. I miss you from the bottom of my heart, where I carry you so tightly.

Mummy xxxx

Rose good luck. I've got _everything_ crossed for you.

Wizard x


----------



## lulumead

sending lots of love to you all today      


Rose: we are all so willing you on...am crossing fingers for lucky number 10. 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thinking of you all x x 

Rose     for you honey x x


----------



## Roo67

Winky and I have renamed today - 'Mummy to be day ' and hope that we have our precious bubs with us next year.

I have avoided relatives today as they do not even acknowledge what should have been for me on this day

  

R x


----------



## suitcase of dreams

to all those who need them today
may it be a very different picture next year    
Suitcase
x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

I don't want to be here... but I am. And both angry an sad about it.

Not a week ago all was right with the world. I was in my 15th week and I thought that finally I would actually be a mother. And there it was, the ugly face of death... The womb was still and quiet, three weeks earlier there was life and laughter when the baby waved to us. Now the room was just still. 

I had induced abortion the day after. I was somewhat unable to cooperate, a body who surely did not want to give the baby up. After the water broke they couldn't really relieve the pain anymore, the high part of the opening cramps was still too high to stop me from screaming and cursing and throwing up. All the morfin in the world would not make it go away, and I just didn't understand any instructions (Push WTF, do you really think I've learnt how to do that at 15 weeks pregnant?!?) and even though I tried the body kept fighting it. If they only had told me it would be temporary... I thought the whole thing was going to be like that. After relaxatives I was able to comply better, and when opening was over (an hour or two) I was able to sleep on and off. 17 hours after admission a little bird of a boy was born in my hands (I was supposed to drop him in a pan but I really coudn't). A helper actually realized I had some need to understand, and we counted his fingers and toes together and she explained his looks til it really didn't look scary anymore. Just a very tiny baby who would have needed to grow for another 25 weeks. When the placenta came half an hour later it looked bad so in the end I had to do emergency ERPC as well... But even though I firstly was convinced not to as to give the body a better chance of healing, and I really wold have preferred an ERPC right away (really on the limit of possibility though) I am now glad I got to deliver him and hold him and was awake.

All the things I never knew... As that a fetus after 12 weeks in Sweden at least have to be "taken care of with dignity" - and all the choices. I can choose not to have any part of it, but it seems wrong somehow. I just don't know how to plan a memorial for someone who no one remembers or how to give him to a God I am so bitterly angry with. I would much rather continue planning my sons birth than taking care of his death...


----------



## Betty-Boo

FC  - words totally fail me        


Thinking of you - take very good care of yourself


Mini x x x


----------



## Teela

FC I was absolutely devastated for you reading the horrendous trauma you have just been through, so sorry hun.

Take care of yourself and I hope you have friends and family around you at the moment.    

Teela
x


----------



## wizard

FC I posted on the negative thread but will reply to you here.

I am so so sad for the loss of your son, and for what sounds like such a traumatic birth.  I understand completely the not being prepared for it, having no idea what to do and no knowledge of the process (and therefore little understanding what was actually happening)).  As if it's not enough to lose your child, to go through labour in such a way is just cruel beyond words.  I am so glad you got to hold your little boy and meet him.  It will never replace what you have lost but it will be part of your experience of him, and love for him, in time to come.

Planning the funeral is such a personal thing.  The only thing I can say is do what is manageable, and feels ok, for you and your boy.  The people at the centre of this are you and him.  You'll see from my signature that I lost my boy at 21 weeks.  I don't want to fill this post with my experiences as that won't be helpful (heavens I've done that enough already on this thread) but If I can be of any help at all then do PM me.

Take very good care of yourself.

Wizard x


----------



## Damelottie

FC - I can say little but to send you as much love as I can can. I am so incredibly sorry and feel hurt and pain on your behalf. Its just the very worst of news.

Wizard will sadly know exactly how you feel and I know will support you as much as she can - as we all will     

LL xxxxx


----------



## greatgazza

FC i'm so sorry to read your post and i can sense your pain, it brought tears to my eyes. there are no words at a time like this but i really hope you have some love and support around you and please lean on us on here to vent your anger and your grief if you need to.

Lots of love and hugs   

GGx


----------



## lulumead

FC - so sad and I am so sorry that you have had to have this awfully painful experience. Sending you love and    and hope that you have lots of people around you to take care of you.
xxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

FC, can't begin to imagine what you are going through, I am so very very sorry and my thoughts are with you. I wish there were words which could help, but I know that there aren't
sending      and hoping you are not going through this alone
  for your little boy too,
Suitcase
x


----------



## Lou-Ann

FC, so very sorry to see your news. Thinking of you and hoping that you have the love and support of your family and friends     

Lou-Ann x


----------



## indekiwi

FC, I can't begin to imagine your pain and grief, let alone the very physical experience of giving birth to your son in such circumstances. The words of strangers are unlikely to provide much comfort, but for what they're worth, I wish you strength to get through your little one's funeral, and love and support from your family and friends should you choose to seek it.

I am so very sad and sorry for your loss. 

A-Mx


----------



## caramac

FC - I said it on the other thread but I need to say it again after reading your experiences here. I am so so sorry that you had to go through such an awful thing...I can't imagine what it must be like to have to give birth to your son only to have to say goodbye to him. It breaks my heart. I really hope you have family and friends to support you through this.


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Fertilitychallenged I am so so sorry to read about the loss of your son and birth experience. I hope that you had the love of your family and friends around to support you at this very sad time. 
Thinking of you.

L x


----------



## Chowy

FC I am so very, very sorry for the loss that you have had.  Words do not seem enough but you are in my thoughts.

Wizard I have always loved your truthfullness with regards to what you went through with your little boy and your words are always welcome here.

            to you both.

Chowy xx


----------



## Sima

FC - I am so sorry for your loss.  I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through at this moment.    My heart goes out to you at this sad time.


----------



## Mifi

FC im so so sorry for your loss        lots of         for you as words just fail me


----------



## wizard

*21+2*

My darling boy

I am the same gestation today as when I gave birth to you. It breaks my heart that I did not carry you longer. Why did I let you go so soon? So many times I wish I hadn't, that I had kept you for longer. My head understands what I did but my heart does not. I miss you, miss you, miss you, more than I feel my heart can bear.

Mummy xxx


----------



## lulumead

Big      Wizard, for Louis and this little one.
xxxxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Wizard, sending you big     .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Wizard - am thinking of you, Louis and little one.  Will send a wish and a    to Louis.
Take care     
Mini x x


----------



## starbuck

Wizard - Just wanted to send you some    .  

Starbuck
x


----------



## Fraggles

Wizard


----------



## upsydaisy

Wizard and Louis - Thinking of you both today


----------



## bingbong

Wizard and Louis   

bingbong x


----------



## caramac

Wizard


----------



## ambergem

Thinking of you Wizzard and your precious angel Louis    

Much love 

Linz xxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard thinking of you at this time as you remember Louis .  I hope that all is going well with the baby.

L x


----------



## Damelottie

All my love Wizard.


----------



## Betty-Boo

... not quite sure what to say - so probably won't say much apart from lost baby this afternoon.  
confused, devastated and just numb.

 Mini x


----------



## Sima

Wizard and Mini    My heart goes out to you


----------



## Fraggles

Mini you know my thoughts.


----------



## Rose39

Mini and Wizard - thinking of you both and sending big hugs         

Rose xxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Mini I am so so sorry to hear your very sad news- thinking of you
Lx


----------



## bingbong

Mini I'm so sorry to hear that           

bingbong x


----------



## Teela

Mini I said it on the Reprofit thread but I am so sorry hun, this journey is cruel sometimes     

Wizard    

Teela
x


----------



## greatgazza

Mini i am so so sorry to hear that and don't really know what to say    

GGx


----------



## Roo67

Mini - Thinking of you


----------



## indekiwi

Mini, Wiz, will be in touch properly when I get back.      to you both.


Mini, I can't believe it.  Absolutely crushed for you honey and hoping your parents are holding you very close at this time.  


A-Mx


----------



## caramac

Oh Mini....I am so so sorry to hear that you lost the baby.  Please take care of yourself.


----------



## lulumead

Oh mini       sending a PM
xx


----------



## morrigan

Mini - I'm so sorry hun- thinking of you xxxx


----------



## wizard

Mini I am so very sorry to read of you loss.  Take very good care of yourself   

Wizard x


----------



## starbuck

Oh Mini what terrible news.  Hope you have some support at this awful time.  Thinking of you. 

Starbuck
x


----------



## some1

Mini - so very sorry to read your news    Thinking of you 

Some1

xx


----------



## carnivaldiva

Mini and FC, so, so sorry to read about your loss.  It's sometimes a very cruel journey that we undertake.


----------



## GIAToo

Mini - I'm so so sorry hun       Don't know what to say, please take care   
GIA Tooxxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thank you for all your kind words here and the pms I've received.  They mean so much and its so hard that so many of us have shared this experience.     

I'm off to the clinic tomorrow for a scan - just to confirm nothing remains - so still have to 'play' at being pregnant for another day.  Pants really ... 

Doc signed me off sick and my prescription from her was to escape somewhere hot and get away from it all ... so who's up for escaping??

Take care and thank you     

Mini


----------



## suitcase of dreams

Oh Mini, am so sorry hun    
Sounds like you have a great doctor though, and escaping for a while sounds like just the thing. I was signed off work for 2 weeks after my miscarriage/EPRC but pretty much just stayed at home and cried...in retrospect I should have got away from it all...
Take the time you need to grieve, I hope you have good friends and family around you,
Suitcase
x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Mini, I am so sorry   , thinking of you     

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Diesy

Hi Mini,

Hope you are doing ok      Donno if I said but years back I miscarried I couldn't get it together to go back to work.  After two weeks they were really putting the pressure on.  I went away up to the Highlands and the change of scene really worked and I got back into the office at the end of week three.  I went back on a Friday and literally walked into the office with my fist in my mouth - this sounds weird, I was really early, 9am, so no-one was in.  So, take it easy.  Glad your GP is so supportive.

Hope to see you soon sweetie, until then lots of these    

Diesy xxx

PS  I'm well up for escaping somewhere hot but not free till the 4th of May.


----------



## Betty-Boo

Diesy honey - hoping to come up to Glasgow again soon - would be great if we could meet up again!    


Had my appointment with the EPAU today - bless them - they're so lovely - was an incomplete miscarriage so took the option of being admitted tomorrow instead of wait for things to happen naturally with a view of being admitted in a weeks time.  Will be given pessaries to help things along.  They're not keen on me having a D&C as they know I want to try again.  Bless them ... Possible stay in overnight due to having to still take clexane until the pregnancy is no longer as Estrogen will still be in my body.  (Remind me why I'm doing this again??)


Best the Easter Bunny knows where I am!     
Thank you all for your support.


Take care - enjoy the sunshine!


Mini x x


----------



## greatgazza

Awww mini hope you're doing ok.  Better to have closure sooner rather than later, that's defo what i'd do.  What are the pros and cons of having a D and C?  What do they do instead if they're not doing that? I've not had to have anything like that before.

Have you got people with you/looking after you?

GG xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

I'm having some sort of medication to help things along - 2 lots of medication ( misoprostol ??) 6 hours apart to help. Sometimes a D&C can effect the lining in the future - but this is only sometimes .....

Mum's coming in with me - but in all honesty am finding it hard being round her as she's constantly crying - and I'm not strong enough to support her and feel she's not strong enough to support me. My friend did say she'd pop in so that maybe an idea as she's a nutter  and would so bring a  to my face!


----------



## greatgazza

Oh dear bless your mum     I think the nutter friend is definitely a good idea, i always find it useful to have one around, although i'm usually the nutty friend myself  

GGx


----------



## GIAToo

hi Mini

If I had my time again I would go down the route of medication/natural as I did have trouble with my lining after my ERPC.  None of it is pleasant though    

I think having your friend round is a good idea.  My Mum was away when it happened to me and my Dad was so good.  He was very upset, but obviously being a man there were no tears.  

Take care   
GIA Tooxxx


----------



## Diesy

Mini, sounds like you are in good hands with the medication.  Your poor Mum.  It really brings home to me how miscarriage affects whole families.  But you're the one that needs the TLC so try not to hold back too much.  It's better to let go than put on a brave face.  

Looking forward to seeing you in Glasgow, I'll see if I can book some sun for your trip!

Big hugs
Diesy xxx

PS  It's about flippin time nice stuff happened to good people!!!  Major foot stamping and petted lip going on on your behalf!  So sorry you have to go all through this!


----------



## Betty-Boo

Diesy - its friends like you who help us through these hard times....    

Perhaps we should organise a quick trip to Dublin sometime      

Take care x x


----------



## Diesy

Aw thank you, only wish I could fix it!

Very sweet of you to think of me (& Dublin) at this horrid time!
  
xxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

greatgazza said:


> What are the pros and cons of having a D and C? What do they do instead if they're not doing that? I've not had to have anything like that before.
> 
> GG xx


GG you can end up with lining problems that will never return to normal and find yourself with a damaged basal endotmetrial layer, and Asherman's syndrome, it happens in 2-5% of ERPC's but for me that is what happened and it is irreversible hence why I am now faced with surrogacy as the lining will not thicken up and cannot sustain an embryo.

For other alternatives the pregnancy and loss main thread goes into details about the options that are sometimes offered to women after a miscarriage, I sincerely hope that you never have to go through it, the saddest event of my life.

L x


----------



## greatgazza

JJ1    

GGx


----------



## greatgazza

that's horrible but useful information to know though sadly.  i wouldn't have known that and had i been in that situation again might have just asked for an ERPC (is that the same/very similar to a D & C) to get it over and done with and not have to wait for it all to be over.

GG xx


----------



## Diesy

Yeah JJ, I feel sick reading about that.  As if the whole experience isn't traumatic enough.  Group hug girls!!! 

Really sorry that you've had to go through that, JJ.
  
Diesy xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

JJ honey big big hugs x x
Am hoping this works. Being incomplete I've seen & held the worse part and know only apple pips sac remains. Bless her x x
I wouldnt wish any of this on worse enemy & it breaks my heart so many of us have suffered these losses. We are strong but sometimes it would be nice if him upstairs gave us a break. X x.


----------



## kizzi79

Mini       , I am so so sorry you are going through this, its just so unfair - will be thinking of you,  Krissi  xxx


----------



## bingbong

mini I'm so sorry that you're going through this   . Thinking of you.

JJ   

bingbong x


----------



## sweet1

Just logged on as been offline for a few days. I am so so sorry Mini.


----------



## morrigan

Mini   - hope your ok xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Mini, thinking of you hun, big     

Lou-Ann x


----------



## ambergem

Huge hugs and love to you Mini at this terrible time     I'm so so sorry, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through but I'm thinking of you xxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thank you all for your kind words - still in hospital after being admitted yesterday morning. All took a bit longer than expected - concern now is factor v & clotting. Joy. Getting a little fed up with nhs salads lol x x
Hopefully home today x


----------



## Candee

Mini I am so very, very sorry to read your news hunny       
I hope you are getting lots of support.
Candee
x


----------



## lulumead

Big     Mini, hope there are no complications and you can get home today for some TLC from those around you.


Thinking of you.

xxxxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

mini    
hope you are home soon hun 
Suitcase
x


----------



## greatgazza

Mini hope you're recovering well and get home soon    

GGx


----------



## some1

Mini    thinking of you

Some1

xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Mini hope the factor v Leiden is sorted&  you are home for Easter & around your family & friends- take care thinking of you & your angelx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thank you all for your kind words they do mean so much. Managed to escape before tea - nurses were so lovely - we bought them a big box of M&S biccies as a thank you for making an emotional experience more bearable. Another scan next week then think will escape to Glasgow for a few day.
Jj thank you x x it's quite a comfort to imagine little apple pip as my little angel.  
Take very good care x x


----------



## Damelottie

Oh Mini - such a ghastly few days. Thinking of you


----------



## lulumead

Glad to hear that you are now home. Hope you can get some sleep tonight. big    


xxxx


----------



## GIAToo

Mini - glad you're home and the nurses looked after you   This poem really helped me after my m/c (you've probably seen it before, but maybe not)  xxxx
_An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,_​_Then whispered as she closed the book,_​_"Too beautiful for Earth"_​_-Unknown_​​


----------



## Onthego69

So sorry to read this awful news Mini    

Thinking of you,

M xx


----------



## Chowy

Mini thinking of you lots hon, take good care of yourself.

Gia2 that is a lovely poem.

Chowy


----------



## Mifi

Mini thinking of you       Im so so sorry you had to go through this     spoil yourself with lots of easter eggs you deserve it!!

GIA2 what a lovely touching poem - I always try to look on that side for my angel babies - they were so special, too special for our world    

Love MIFI XXX


----------



## wizard

My little treasure

Today is the anniversary of your due date.  I look around for my one year old and wonder what little person you would be.  Every day I miss all the things we do not share and all that I can not do for and with you. I want to say so many things to you but do not know where to start.  What I do know is that my heart never stops yearning for you, not for one second and that the only thing that could make me happy again is to have you back, here with me and taking care of you.  If I could just have one wish, it would be no more, and no less, than that.

I love you my darling

Mummy xxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

wizard


----------



## suitcase of dreams

wizard


----------



## Teela

Wizard thinking of u hun    

Teela
x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Wizard, thinking of you     

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Wizard, sweetheart - thinking of you and your darling son.... I'm so sure he's with you honey - a little flutter of the curtains as the wind blows ... a leaf skipping across the path in front of you - he's there and starting to get up to all the mischief he can.  
Take care honey and stay safe.


Mini x x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard thinking of you and Louis on his birthday- I hope he continues to look out for his little brother/sister. Xx


----------



## bingbong

Wizard     

bingbong x


----------



## midnightaction

Wizard- Thinking of you hunny, I know how much you miss Louis and wish there was something I could say or do to make it better, but I know I can't  

Thinking of you 

Sarah x x


----------



## lulumead

big      Wizard. xxxxxx


----------



## indekiwi

Wizard, we sang Louis' anthem for him and for you tonight.        

A-Mx


----------



## greatgazza

wizard    

GGx


----------



## Candee

Wizard       
Candee
x


----------



## starbuck

Wizard - you will always have Louis in your heart.    


Starbuck
x


----------



## Betty-Boo

What a pants week .... got a young girl working in the office with us (only 3 in the office) - she's unable to do her normal job as she's pregnant - am really happy for her but felt like my heart had been ripped out when she stated her baby's due date ... the same day mine would've been.  
Don't get me wrong I am happy for her - its just hard having to follow someones pregnancy so closely that would've been parallel to yours. 


  
I will get there I know and time is a good healer as they say.
M x


----------



## Fraggles

Oh Mini I have been thinking of you this week    


And I know you will get there.


xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thank you sweet pea - am ok - was really upset Thursday ... took some time out of the office and felt a lot better.  Just really pee'd off with work - they are    useless considering they're the armed forces welfare team!!


Ah well ... thank god for FF! 


x x x


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

Well unfortunately sometimes the people that be are those who have never had the experience and probably think it is like a headache, you take a couple of nurofen and headache is gone.

Big hugs, I am unimpressed and not happy for you. Any time you want to vent in the next few months you know where I am.

xxxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Aww Mini, big hugs hun      

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Mifi

Mini so sorry you have to go through that     big big


----------



## Betty-Boo

Fraggles you've got it in one - have a lady who asks on a daily basis if 'I'm better now' ... err .. my answer in short is 'no' ... not quite sure what else to say to her!!     


Thank everyone for your kind words.. This poor girl doesn't know - don't really want her too in all honesty as its her first pregnancy and she has every right to be excited.  I would be.  Just wish my colleagues were a little more understanding ...    


Ah well - new week coming up! 


    to you all x x


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

I am really not trying to be hurtful here or spiteful but if this colleague asks again and she has children I would be tempted to say it is kind that you ask and whilst I appreciate you may not understand I imagine I feel much the same way as any mother who has lost a child the only difference is I didn't get to meet mine.

This genuinely is from a place of love and is not meant to make your colleague feel bad about asking but more about educating people it is a bereavement and it takes time to get over.

Mini you are a super special person who gives so much and deserve all the support you should get.

I see you are escaping from the madness in about 5 weeks - where are you of to?

xxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Am escaping to Majorca for a week ..... come back refreshed to maybe even think about having another go ...       


She - think I will have to have a word with her...    she means well but always asks in a room full of people and really don't feel like shouting about it... It'll get better... I feel so much stronger than I did last week and the week before that .. we're all such strong woman and i do love that    


Mini x 


PS - love catching up with all your news .. don't post as much on here - but do read ... its great to see all the bumps progressing!


----------



## Fraggles

Who are you of to Majorca with?


----------



## Betty-Boo

A very old school friend - we've been friends since we were 13!!  So will be fun .... her ex hubby has her boys that week & her boyfriend has to work so it'll be the 2 of us!!


We're staying in a Thomon gold hotel - everyone else keeps laughing as it'll be the over 60's club!      


M x x


----------



## bingbong

Mini that sounds sooooooooooooooooooo hard     . Holiday sounds fab though   

bingbong x


----------



## lulumead

Mini     that is really hard and difficult to do anything about with your colleague who is pregnant.  Its a tough reminder to have every day, but as we all know you are incredibly strong and resilient- just gets a bit tedious sometimes always having to be that person doesn't it    The other one who keeps asking how you are doesn't sound very helpful at all - a quiet word in her ear might be worth it!!!


Holiday sounds like a very very good plan.
xxxxxxxxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Mini  it is hard. People don't think sometimes or mean well but just dig the knife in a bit further. I went to the waxing woman today and she knows I am a nurse and my fertility issues etc, and then she was asking me about her friend who mc'd and had a medical miscarriage managemnt and the  got an infection post etc and my thoughts on what if she did the right thing , I felt like saying 'I don't really want to discuss it, and in this vulnerable position!  and perhaps she should dicusss it with the gynaecologist..'


----------



## Betty-Boo

JJ     it is hard  and ye[ have to agree always get asked questions in awkward positions! (What is it with bikini waxing?   )


 for us all....


Lulu going to go for the quiet word ... trying to get her on her own is a feat in itself.  
I am happy for the young girl  who's helping us out- bless her - she's having problems with her boyfriend .. Men eh!!  Joys of being in the armed forces - the girls can't work on board ships once pregnant so come shore side to work there .. Just wish my line manager had told me first... Ah ... Male!!


Mini x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Mini> My heart goes out to you - it's really a bad reminder and to on top of that having to deal with bad comments... I work in an almost completely female environment where pregnancy is sort of the norm. Lucky for me the last of the pregnant women in my group went on maternity leave whilst I was pregnant. The only younger girls left is me and another women with the same kind of problem. My problem is mainly that since I was gone far enough for it to show, the whole office (around 100 people) know. They don't say anything to me, but they talk. And I haven't gone deaf... So I know that if I at some point let my mouth slip and call him the baby - people have talked about that he wasn't - he was a fetus... As if I didn't know, that's why he couldn't survive. You never say "I'm with fetus" but mind your tung if they die...

I've been off for a while... In the end I decided to take part of him getting to the cemetery. Otherwise he would have been put in a memorial ground by the church, but I wanted to say goodbye without the trauma of the delivery-room. Then everything was so dark and painful and filled with despair. So two weeks ago a friend, my parents and I brought him back from the crematorium in a cardboard-box. We coated the urn with white paper and put stickers on it (there are pictures on www.fertilitychallenged.wordpress.com - but the text in Swedish though) before we went up to the cemetery. It was actually good to have him home for a couple of hours where he would have lived and get to do something "fun" together with my family. We said our goodbyes and I left him one half of a heart (for a necklace) in the ground. All in all it was a beautiful day and not at all part of all the trauma. In some small way I can let him rest now. And it's a beautiful place to visit. I don't know how to correctly translate it but it would be "ash-garden" or something... Everyone has their own spot but the graves are small and nature hasn't really been tamed there. It's a nice place to bring a coffee and a book and just "be" for a while.

Unfortunately we discovered CIN2 on my routine checkup. It had nothing to to with Aleksas death but has to be fixed before next attempt. So surgery booked for august and if the surgery is radical I can probably go again in October. Seems like forever but I guess it isn't. I would just have preferred to be in treatment when he was supposed to be born i September... Well well... I'm not particularly worried about the surgery though, I guess it's on the plus-side of having gone through too much in a short time. In light of loosing Aleksas it's just a bump in the road.

/links


----------



## suitcase of dreams

mini and FC - sending both of you    for the dark and difficult times you are facing and very much hoping that brighter days lie ahead for you both

Suitcase
x


----------



## bingbong

FC the box is beautiful, thank you for sharing the photos. I hope that the CIN2 surgery goes ok and that you can go again in October. 

bingbong x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

FC - I am so sorry to read your post  but pleased that you were able to have Aleksas home and his box is beautiful.

I hope that the CIN2 surgery goes well

Mini- hope that the chat goes ok with said ladyl!

L x


----------



## lulumead

Sending      FC. xxxxx


Mini: maybe you need to corner her in the ladies   
xx


----------



## greatgazza

FC so sorry to hear what you have been through.  the box is beautiful and the garden looks lovely.   

Mini   

GGx


----------



## Lou-Ann

FC, so sorry to hear what you have been through      , thinking of you.

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fraggles

FC Hugs.

Mini hoping the right time comes up this week for you. xx


----------



## morrigan

FC- what a beautiful tribute to you little one. 

Mini    maybe you could send her an email- holiday sounds like it is well needed. 

Your both so strong x


----------



## Rose39

Mini and FC - sending you huge hugs       

Rose xx


----------



## Teela

Mini and FC, thinking of you both    

Teela
x


----------



## Betty-Boo

FC - sweetheart       and thank you for your kind words.


Take very good care


Mini x x


----------



## Minnie35

Thinking of you Mini and FC, with lots of love xxxxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Well, thought I would bring my sad news and thoughts over to this thread to free up the waiting for first scan thread for good news. 

After feeling quite numb yesterday, I am feeling quite tearful today and thinking lots about what I did or didn't do that maybe could have changed the outcome. However, I cannot come up with anything concrete that I can put down as a cause, and just have to get my head round the fact that it was just one of those things and for whatever reason, it just wasn't meant to be   . And this might sound a little gross to some, but I am also feeling quite guilty that I didn't pick my lil pip up and say goodbye to him/her   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## some1

Lou-Ann -    so sorry for what you are going through.  I'm sure there is nothing you did or didn't do that would have made a difference, thinking of you lots   

Some1

xx


----------



## Mifi

Lou-Ann huge huge       all I can say is it does get better with time      be kind to yourself    and keep posting if you find it helps    

Love Mifi XX


----------



## lulumead

Lou-ann, big    really nothing that you did or didn't do, please don't beat yourself up about that.  Crying is good, and remember your body is also dealing with lots of hormones - I had a total meltdown after about 4 days and then read something about hormone levels crashing around this time and made me feel less    You just need to do whatever helps you.


Post away and take it easy on yourself. As Mifi says it does get easier over time, although that can feel hard to believe when it all feels so rubbish and numb at the moment.
xxxxx


----------



## GIAToo

Lou-Ann big      Don't beat yourself up - you couldn't have done anything different.  When I lost my baby last year I was sad that I hadn't been given a scan pic of the baby (embryo) even though there was no heartbeat.  When I lost the twin earlier this year, I did get a scan picture and I felt better about it.  So I don't think you're gross or anything.  It's the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.  It does get easier over time, though never forget (been told that by women in their 60s and 70s    

take care     
GIA tooxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Oh, Lou-Ann I'm so so so so sorry to hear of your sad news.  Honey - my thoughts are with you.  My heart just breaks that little bit more that someone else has had to go through such an ordeal.  Honey take very good care - and take time .... I still bubble over now with emotions from one extreme to the other.  I'm so so so sorry.


Take very good care and be kind to you x x x x x x


----------



## Diesy

Thinking of you Lou-Ann  

Take good care of yourself,
Diesy xxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks for your kind messages ladies   . It is so heartbreaking that so many of you have experienced this already   , my heart goes out to you all   

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fraggles

Oh Lou-Ann I so wish I could takeaway your pain.    x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Lou-Ann said:


> Well, thought I would bring my sad news and thoughts over to this thread to free up the waiting for first scan thread for good news.
> 
> After feeling quite numb yesterday, I am feeling quite tearful today and thinking lots about what I did or didn't do that maybe could have changed the outcome. However, I cannot come up with anything concrete that I can put down as a cause, and just have to get my head round the fact that it was just one of those things and for whatever reason, it just wasn't meant to be  . And this might sound a little gross to some, but I am also feeling quite guilty that I didn't pick my lil pip up and say goodbye to him/her  .
> 
> Lou-Ann x


Oh, Lou-Ann... I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And the thoughts of what could and couldn't be done is unfortunatly kind of natural. Just so very wrong. I actually got my doctor laughing when I told her that I thought this was my fault - as I had a heavy bleeding (clots and everything) in week 8 and smoked because I've had a miscarriage only to know a day later he was still there... She said more or less that "sure, we tell pregnant women not to smoke because it will harm the baby and risk of miscarriage will increase by 50% if you're a heavy smoker - but that would make your risk increase to 3-4% after week 12 and the fact that you smoked when you 'miscarried' 8 weeks ago is just not what we're after". Still I didn't believe her even when I got to know he was ill with CMV and had a chromosomal anomaly. The guilt is just the need to protect the baby, and even when we couldn't do anything we feel we failed that responsibility. You did not cause this.

I don't think it's gross that you would want to have at least seen something else than the blood. In fact I was so glad this time I got to hold something at least, see that it actually happened even when he was lost. It's not gross. It's only the strange feeling of having lost something invisible that takes such a big toll on the greif.


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks Fraggles   

FC, thank you too   . It is so hard not to beat yourself up and blame yourself for not being able to keep your baby safe   . The reason I thought that some might find it gross that I wanted to hold my lil pip is because I believe that he/she was in the clot I passed, which means I would have had to retrieve him/her from the loo, but I didn't   . I might not have been able to see anything distinguishing in the clot and I don't know what I would have done with him/her afterwards, but I just feel so guilty for flushing my lil pip away like they were nothing, when he/she was my everything   .

My heart really does go out to all of you that have already experienced this     . I didn't fully understand just how devastating it has been for you all until now   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Teela

Lou Ann so sorry you are going through this. I lost my pip at about the same time, at 4 weeks I was pregnant and then at 5 + weeks all tests were negative. I was heartbroken as well and have been trying for a while to find out why.
Sometimes there is no why so just take time to heal and then formulate next steps.
I have just found out I have autoimmune disease so trying to get my head around all of that but it gives me a why I have lost 2 pregnancys early on.
Look after yourself hun

Teela
x


----------



## GIAToo

Lou-ann - I'm not sure anyone understand unless they have been through it, I certainly didn't.  And I know what you mean about the guilt - the very first thing I did when I was told there was no heartbeat was to pat my tummy and say sorry to my little beanie   . I completely felt like I had let him/her down.

Give yourself time and keep talking on here - it does help to know that others know how you feel    
GIA Tooxx


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

I so wish none of you had to go through any of this.

Lou-Ann I haven't been through what any of you have but can identify with your feelings but it is such a shock that in reality when any of us gets our BFP we don't think what would we do if this or that happened.

I know our beliefs are all so different and apologise if this offends anyone but I truly believe that all angels know that they were your everything and truly wanted. They wouldn't judge nor would anyone as in situations like this it isn't always possible to think clearly or logically about what any of us would do or consider various options about what to do and in responding to the various challenges in this journey we all do the best we can at the time and that is all we can do.

Lots of love to everyone.

xxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thank you ladies    .

Gia Too, heartbreaking     

Teela   . I'm glad that you have found an answer to your 'why?'. I think it's the question that we all want the answer to, but will probably never get   .

Fraggles, not offended   , I just hope that you are right and my lil pip knew just how much he/she was wanted   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Bambiboo

Lou-Ann

Would it help you to find another way to say goodbye to pip and maybe ease the memory of how pip did go a little?  Maybe go to a quiet favourite place and let a balloon go or plant a special tree or bush?  

xxx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Aww Bambiboo, thanks for your thoughts hun   . Releasing a balloon sounds like a lovely idea. I have also been thinking about getting something to remember my lil pip by. Firstly thought about something for the garden, then thought about something to keep on the bedside cabinet, but have decided on getting a pendant that I can put on my necklace and keep with me at all times. Unfortunately, they don't do 'pip' shaped pendants, so am having to look at the next closest shape which ironically is the teardrop   . 

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

Tiffany's used to do a bean or a heart shape if that would suit? Think yours and Bambiboo ideas are great.

http://www.tiffany.co.uk/Shopping/CategoryBrowse.aspx?cid=563629&mcat=148204#p+1-n+60-cg+viewAll-c+563629-s+5-r+-t+-ri+-ni+1-x+-pu+-f+

xx

/links


----------



## suitcase of dreams

tiffanys do a teardrop too - I bought it for myself when I lost my first pregnancy back in 2008....
I bought a new one (hugs and kisses - also from tiffany) when the boys were born, but I still wear the teardrop too sometimes...

I think it does help to mark the loss in some way - whatever feels right for you   
Suitcase
x


----------



## Bambiboo

Im sure a jeweller would be happy to make you a pip pendant if you couldn't find something thats just right.  I think the pendant idea is lovely x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Lou-Ann - I was going to buy something special to remember apple pip - but decided against it ....
Reason being? 
I wanted to remember - but not always be sad iykwim. 

I was going to go for a miniature apple tree - but not being green fingered I'd be gutted if the apple tree perished.  I then thought about a wedding band for my right hand or a pendant - but after a while decided that I did not quite feel comfortable with these ... Again - I somehow wanted to look back with some fondness / sadness .... fondness that apple showed me that yes - I can get pregnant but sadness she didn't stay with me.  I thought if I'd had a ring or pendant I'd always be plaything with them and always be sad - its taken me a long long time to get to the stage I am at now ..... If I'd had a constant reminder of apple - I think it may have taken longer.

I'll never forget and the pain will never go away but I do need it to settle so as I can start to look forward.

All I can say honey is go at your pace, do what you feel's right and when you feel its right to do it- I spent the first few weeks doing what others suggested and trying to feel / act how everyone expected me to feel, that in the end I grew frustrated with myself for not doing things when they suited / helped me.  I always remember going to Buckfast Abbey with mum and she kept saying sit here, pray there blah blah ... to which I just flipped and made some comment about mourning on demand.  Think that was a big turning point for me and I realised that its my grief not anyone else's - after all they'd never met apple pip.


     


We're here honey to listen and lean on.


Mini x x x



... I did toy with and still am .. naming a star... x x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks ladies, I will take a look at your suggestions   . 

Bambiboo, I'll bear that in mind, cos I'm finding it really hard to find the right thing at the minute   

Mini, thanks hun   . I understand where you are coming from. I know I'll never forget pip but I feel it's something I need to do. Big   to you for the hard time you had whilst trying to grieve your little apple pip. 

I have been pushed into telling my parents today (albeit by e-mail cos I couldn't bring myself to actually tell them), which was quite hard as I was hoping to surprise them tomorrow with news of another grandchild   . I have spoken to my GP though and have been signed off for a week.

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Honey - you do what you need to ..      


Am so glad you've been signed off too.  It's so hard telling too    


Take care x x x


----------



## Rose39

Lou-Ann - so sorry to see you on here hun.  Big hugs to all the other ladies who have lost LOs - it's so sad that there are so many of us who have posted on here.     

I also wanted to buy some jewellery to remember my LO by - I ended up buying a crystal and silver baby shoe charm that now hangs on my charm bracelet along with other charms - it doesn't stand out but I know what it signifies. There are some jewellers online that do remembrance jewellery for people who have lost LOs, that you can personalise with e.g. a coloured crystal to represent the month of your BFP, or a personalised engraving. I'm sure that you'll find something that when you see it, you'll know that this is the right choice hun    .

Something that I found a really useful source of information and support was the Miscarriage Association's website - they also have a lovely online garden of remembrance - a forget-me-not meadow where you can have a virtual flower and post a message. 

It must have been so hard emailing your parents - hope that they give you lots of support and hugs at this difficult time.

Rose xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks Rose   . Your little baby shoe charm sounds lovely and very fitting   . I have had a look at some of the remembrance jewellery and whilst a lot of it is lovely, some of it is too obvious and would prompt questions from people. Something that is small but significant to me will be enough. And you're right, I know when I see it. Thanks for the advice about the miscarriage association website too   .

It was hard to e-mail my parents as they had no idea that I have been having tx, but because of one thing and another I felt I had no choice but to tell them today. So unfortunately for them, they are having to get their heads round me having had tx and that I lost my lil pip. I love my parents dearly, but I am not one to talk openly about my feelings with them (incase you hadn't guessed this already), so for this reason I have asked them not to phone or come round until I am ready, but they have e-mailed me back and they are there and waiting with their hugs for when I am ready.

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Since I had an actual boy to bury (although he was 15 cm short) I did it somewhat differently... When I put his ashes in the cemetery I had a "friendship-heart" in gold that I broke in two and left half of it in the grave with him. I wear it now but since it poses questions I'm searching for something a little less obvious. But I'll never regret that I have this one, it's somewhat comforting to know that the other half of mine rests in the ground over there with him forever. I've found a small heart in gold with a smaller silverheart inside it that I'm considering for my rememberance. I also thought about planting a tree in the beginning but my green fingers just aren't there and as Mini said - it would pain me if I had to see it wither and die (as Aleksas did...)


----------



## Lou-Ann

Oh FC   , I think that it's lovely that you have got half of a friendship heart that you share with your son   . The 2 heart pendant sounds like a nice idea, significant but a little less likely to lead to questions   .

Well, I 'should' have been going to see pip for the first time this morning and then nervously, but excitedly, going round to tell my parents. Instead, I have got to go and pick up a sick note and take it into work    .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Marra

so sorry everyone for the difficult times you've had to go through.   

After my first miscarriage I found some comfort in thinking about my little one being with my DP who died not long before; also thinking of them all being with my Dad and other loved ones who have passed away. I'm not religious or even sure that I believe in anything particularly spiritual, but even still these thoughts have been a small comfort at times. 

Lou Ann - as everyone says, do whatever feels right for you, and that is really good you can take a bit of time off work to grieve. I  also felt very upset at not properly seeing or holding my little one, but it is so easy to get such a shock when the miscarriage happens and you don't know what to do and react quickly. I think it's ok to feel regret about this, but I'm trying now not to beat myself up about it, but I completely understand it is hard.

Big hugs    

Marra
x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Marra, thank you for your kind words   . You have been through so much too, I really hope that your current tx is the one that makes you dreams come true   . 

I have just come back from seeing my parents and there were hugs all round and    from me, buy they are being very supportive. 

Lou-Ann x


----------



## lulumead

Hi Lou-ann, glad to hear your parents where there with supportive    Its good to have them to lean on when you need them.
xxxx


----------



## Fraggles

Hi


I am in the very fortunate position of not suffering a loss and   that I stay this way but I know this journey seems treacherous at many turns.


I have a friend who is setting up a clinic offering a range of therapies and asked me about infertility etc. I am under the impression there is not much support out there for people who have suffered a loss or for those who have suffered a loss and then those who later on are considering the next pregnancy on the counselling front and if support is offered there. Would you mind if I ask what support there is on the NHS or privately and/or what you would like to see offered?


I also know in my case no one has mentioned miscarriage or still birth to me during my pregnancy. I guess because this is something we all wish not to happen - do you think it would help to have this discussed as par for the course or ignored until it happened?


Would really appreciate your thoughts. Am I correct or am I winding myself up that there is a lack of support on the counselling front for you all when in reality there is plenty readily available.


I so wish this hadn't happened to anyone.


xxxx


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

That's so double I think... and I am of course in a completely different structure. And still, I had the feeling that even though I had suffered multiple losses before the thought of loosing this pregnancy was not something my midwife wanted to discuss even earlier in the pregnancy. Which I find somewhat weird as my risk was really high in light of recurrance. In some small way I just find that it would be good to actually mentioning the risks in early pregnancy and what to do if the worst happens (ie you don't have to go to hospital unless severe bleeding or unbearable pain occurs during first trimester) and there would be a need for an early-loss supportsystem. Since it's common the general idea seems to be that it is therefor nothing that should be addressed. 

When a pregnancy is lost during s'econd trimester it is rare enough for it beeing natural not to mention I guess. And yet, since I was at specialist care unit, it is strange as the risks if you're at that unit are probably higher (both multiples and egg-donation go there). But noone talked about it, no-one seemed to want to mention why we were actually there... it's like we all were supposed to be in on the fact that we were there due to the higher risks we never could speek loudly about. 

When the worst happened I missed written information. I missed spoken information as well, but I don't know how much I could have taken in. All I knew upon arriving to deliveryward the next day was that I was not supposed to have surgery (ERPC is just not done here after 12 weeks - or before 9 weeks - unless you need it after medical abortion. They don't want to risk unnecessarily harming the uterus even though the risks involved are low). I had no idea how I was supposed to do it, the pain involved or how the routine would be afterwards. Every step of the way I had to be surprised and scared. Some things was scary even though they were not scary when they actually happened - other things - like the water breaking and actually having opening cramps, would have been more managable had I known they could happen. So, I'd whished for a step by step written description of how a medical abortion could go. With details. I will actually propose that when I go back. 

Also, when micarriage is late enough for there to be a fetus, I think hospitals should have better routines for actually showing the fetus. Helping the parent(s) to recognize what should have been and not just "laying it up there" if the fetus is asked for. I was lucky enough for a caretaker to understand what bothered me and she sat for a long while explaining and showing. The memory of us looking at his little lips, ears, fingers with nails on and beautiful baby feet is a good one. But having that memory shouldn't be up to luck. There should be a routine.

Another routine here is that all babies lost from week 12 (included ones from legal abortion) is cremated and put in the memorial ground of the local cemetery. The routine is also that they do not tell the parent(s) of this unless asked specifically. This seems wrong somehow. As it was, when I arrived I was too preoccupied with what they were going to do with him to take in any other instructions. Just to have given me a pamphlet the day before describing the medical procedure and somewhere have a written statement "The remains are anonymously put in the memorial ground at the cemetery unless the parent(s) wish otherwise" would have calmed that fear down a lot.

Also, I was not freely told about what options I had for his remains. I was told when I asked that he would be put in the memorial ground if I didn't state anything else - and when I asked what "anything else" was I got to see a member of the hospital church staff. She was amazing, but it was also down to plain luck that I ever got to see her. A lot of things were down to luck when I had to terminate my pregnancy - and I don't like the thought of that - and of other women not beeing that lucky.


----------



## Fraggles

FC

Thank you so much for sharing.

I want to make sure we get it right, try and change things so it isn't just brushed under the carpet and ensure support that is offered is appropriate.

Lots of love

x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Fabulous thought Fraggles .. I would love somewhere where I could talk openly and have some of my questions and worries answered or a path to follow.


M x


----------



## Fraggles

Hi Mini

What sort of things specifically? And would you like loss to have been discussed as part of pregnancy care or just if you suffer a loss.


If this gets of the ground I want to be what is actually helpful not what someone who hasn't suffered loss thinks is helpful and is actually as good as an umbrella with holes in it.

x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Fraggles will think on my wording and pm you ...   


Take care x x


----------



## Fraggles

Thanks Hon.


----------



## Tommi

Hi Fraggles

I have also been fortunate in not suffering a loss but I thought you might be interested in my counselling experience - had my first appointment with the consultant last week but they booked me in to see the counsellor beforehand (right before). She was very good and talked me through all scenarios. I was a little surprised that this happened when I hadn't even seen the consultant so had no idea whether I would be suitable for treatment. But we talked about the possibility of mc, still birth, twins or more, premature birth, survival just for a few days etc etc as well as having a healthy baby. It was like being taken by the hand and opening many doors with different outcomes behind them. Really quite draining. Then at the end of the session I had just ten mins to get to the hospital (the counsellor works a few streets away from the hospital) for the consultant appointment. I felt I needed to pull myself together and think of the positive 'door' before seeing him. 

I did find it supportive but challenging and it was good to be told clearly about all possible outcomes so early on and to be encouraged to visualise how I would cope. The thing I would change is having those appointments back to back. I could have done with a break between to let things sink in and have a cup of tea! 

I hope that level of grounded support continues. I know this is a little different from what you were asking about but for me it has helped to go through a little of what I would need to know in those eventualities, and to be told that she would be there to support whatever happens. 

I am so impressed by the way women on here are coping with some really incredibly challenging circumstances. I'm full of admiration for your strength and hope that there are positive outcomes and peaceful hearts for all. 

T x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Fraggles, my clinic offer counselling before tx (compulsory)  and anytime inbetween or after tx that you feel you need it. I was informed of the miscarriage risks on one of my initial consultations before starting tx and was also informed of these risks again, along with the risk of ectopic pg, in my recent 'congratulations on your pg' letter. I have got an appt with the counsellor tomorrow (probably would have got one sooner if I'd asked for it straight away).

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fraggles

Wow Lou-Ann that is good going, do you have to request counselling or is it offered? No one has mentioned counselling to me.

x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Hi Fraggles, I was offered it on Monday when they confirmed pip had gone, but I was not thinking straight and declined. It wasn't until a couple of days later that I realised that I really did want to see her, so phoned Thursday and they got me in tomorrow (she doesn't work Fridays).

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fraggles

Lou-Ann am so pleased that you are getting the support you need. xxx


----------



## Rose39

Fraggles - thanks for raising this. I've been fairly open about having a m/c, but I often found that when I told friends and colleagues about what had happened, I learned that many of them had direct experience of a m/c, or had a close friend or family member who had suffered, but it's something that is generally kept secret. I was shocked about how this affects so many people. 

I was very fortunate (if I can put it that way) that straight after I'd had the scan where I'd learned that my LO's heartbeat had stopped, my consultant had a detailed consultation with me where she reassured me that the m/c wasn't my fault, talked me through my options (as I'd had a missed m/c), listened to my concerns and gave me a big hug. I don't think that this was the clinic's standard protocol, but my consultant was very kind and being able to talk to someone knowledgeable, compassionate and understanding made a big difference. 

I think it would be helpful to have support when it comes to coping with key anniversaries such as the due date, the anniversary of the m/c etc., which typically nobody knows about and can be really hard - most people will have forgotten that it's a key date for you, but you are acutely aware that things should have been different, and it can be a really tough time to get through, even though the miscarriage may have been several months earlier.

I think where I've found things hard is subsequent tx cycles after the miscarriage, particularly the first one, as everyone tells you that you have a higher chance of getting pg because it's worked for you before, so if the next cycle doesn't work, it's even more devastating because you're almost expecting things to go well. 

And I think that counselling would be helpful for newly pregnant ladies who have previously suffered a loss. I was taken aback by how much my m/c has affected me during this pregnancy as instead of feeling excited and planning for my LO's arrival (which is how I felt last time), this time I'm apprehensive and can only cope with one week at a time, as I'm scared that something may go wrong, so it's a self-protection mechanism kicking in. The pregnancy books don't seem to cover much about pregnancy after loss, and there is an expectation that every minute of the pregnancy will be joyful, but I think that it's a very different experience for someone when things have gone wrong before. Admittedly, my tx journey has included virtually every worst case scenario that can happen, so perhaps my apprehension is more extreme, but I think that it would be helpful if counselling were available for these circumstances. 

Hope this is helpful!

Rose xx


----------



## lulumead

Hi Fraggles,


i think your idea is a really good one. My experience was similar to Rose in that I was very open about the miscarriage and then I found out about other people, plus I already had a few friends , sadly, who had had the same thing happen and totally understood. I don't understand why it feels such a taboo thing when its really very very common.


I've tried to take quite a scientific approach to mine but would have liked clearer information about what would happen.  I also had pretty rubbish after care at the day surgery but hey!!!


I think the idea of somewhere to talk about pregnancy after miscarriage would be good as it is hard to enjoy it when you have suffered a loss, at least very hard until you have got past 12 weeks or whatever the significant marker might be for you. So some support during that time might be very useful.   


Big     to everyone on here.
xxx


----------



## Marra

hi Fraggles

I've had ongoing support from a counsellor at the fertility clinic I go to, which has been hugely helpful. I've continued to be a patient there however throughout all my treatment so the support has been for anything to do with the various cycles and for losses that have happened too. I'm not so sure what would happen if I didn't have an ongoing relationship with the clinic however, or if I'd just gone for one round of treatment that was successful then had gone on to have a later miscarriage as I suppose by that time I would have left the clinic and may not have been eligible for counselling.

The early pregnancy unit I have been to have also been very sympathetic, but I'm not aware of them offering counselling. Maybe this is an area that could be supported with counselling, as many people suffering miscarriages will go to an EPU for scans or other treatments to deal with the miscarriage. 

Marra
x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

I just want to share some happy news - whatever could be happy within the loss section. Since I choose for the baby's ashes to be buried in a sort of ash-garden instead of the memorial ground (which I initially choose but then didn't like much) he also needed a marker or a headstone (I'm a little lost in language towards what's what here - I have a hard enough time getting through the terminology in my own language) and since those are not in the least bit cheap I honestly thought this would have to wait another year, prioritizing between that and going for siblings...

Then an acquaintance of mine had a picture of her daughters stone and told me that the company sold these especially for children. So I emailed the company, not hoping for much really. But when they answered I had to ask the other mother where the digit was missing in the number... it wasn't. It turns out the owners of the company lost their first grandson in a late miscarriage, learning what a financial strain it was to bury a child before any insurance covers the cost. Since they have made a stone sold for the price it actually is to make it. The stone I wanted when I saw it, not knowing the price, is sold for less than 150 GBP including the inscription. I talked to the company today and they are going to make a draft for me to approve. They didn't have a butterfly, that I wanted as a symbol on it, but would make one from a sketch I made with no additional cost. Sometimes I think the world to be a good place... I almost started crying when she told me, both the consideration of the cost and the fact that I get to have something of mine put on the stone. I'm not good at drawing but it seems fitting somehow...


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Oh... and it's a heartshaped polished stone to lay on the ground btw


----------



## Lou-Ann

Aww FC, so glad that you have been able to sort out a headstone for your LO and that you have been able to add your own little touch, sounds lovely   

Lou-Ann x


----------



## lulumead

That does sound lovely FC   
xxx


----------



## greatgazza

i didn't even know if i felt justified to post on here but that's exactly the dilemma and confusion i'm having.  Yes, as people keep telling me 'be positive for the other one' or if i'm looking a bit glum 'is the other baby ok' well, yes i think so, but I did still lose a baby only a few days ago so isn't it kindof understandable that i might cry a little bit?  Or all day today to be precise.

People somehow don't see it as a loss really cos 'there's still one in there' and of course i am grateful that there is and pray it stays that way but there is still a baby that had nearly got to 12 weeks, when i thought i was home and dry, that died.  If I'd only had 1 embryo transferred or only 1 had implanted it could all be over now and people would acknowledge my loss, but because I am lucky enough to have another one in there it's like this one doesn't matter so much.

I know people are trying to be positive for me and help me to be positive but I do still have a loss to grieve and i feel like i'm supposed to be ok about it all and just carry on cos the other one needs me etc etc.    

i'm just feeling really confused myself and not sure how i feel so i guess it's understandable other people don't know how i'll be feeling or what to say or how to react.

i feel like i 'should' be doing things a certain way and i don't know how to do them, like how long do i grieve for and then i 'should' accept it and start to look forward for the other one etc.  it also feels really weird that i'm going to carry the dead one inside the whole time and might even see it on scans, that's really freaking me out    

GGx


----------



## Mifi

GG big      a loss is a loss irrespective of your current pg. I think its good that you are having a good cry its much better out than in. Is there not a close friend or family member you could meet and open up to?  I can vouch it really does help to talk through your feelings.

I really do sympathise    . I too feel like I have to brush it under the carpet and 'get on' with it! I think out of all the people that did know I was carrying trips only one person actually said im sorry for your loss    (other than my lovely FF ladies that is). Ive also had a couple of doctors say ' how good it is ive lost one!'     Although as far as im aware I still have two I still dont trust that it will stay that way and with no more scans for another 2 or 3 weeks I will be preparing more for the worst more than celebration. I hate to be negative but with past history and how quicky I lost twin 3, I just cant shake the dread feeling   

As discussed on here some ladies like to buy something or do something to acknowledge their losses. I have searched and searched but have yet to find anything I deamed special enough. I even though of getting a discrete tatoo! perhaps this is something you could consider? (not the tatoo though) How about a special teddy you could have in the cot when you LO arrives perhaps?

I take comfort that my angel babies will always be part of me and with me and one day im sure we will meet. M/c is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and although I feel like I will never be the same person again because of it,  it does get easier with time.

I hope and pray your current LO stays with you and when you are cuddling him/her it will help ease the pain of the one you have lost       

As for the scans im sure you can request the sonographer to just show you detailed pics of your baby, they can easily zoom in and take different angled images. I know I will be doing the same as I defo cant face seeing my lost beanie at every scan. It is very understandable that you are anxious about this so dont give yourself a hard time    

I hope I have been a little help and not said anything to upset you further. I know theres not really anything I can say or do to ease your pain but what im trying to say is your not alone     

Love Mifi XX


----------



## Lou-Ann

GG, sorry that you are feeling confused at the moment    . You have every right to post on here, although I so wish you weren't having to, as you have just lost one of your precious LOs   . I know that there is nothing that I can say that will take you pain away right now, but know that I am thinking of you    .

Mifi, big    to you too.

Lou-Ann x


----------



## greatgazza

thanks mifi and lou -ann   

mifi don't worry you haven't said anything to upset me.  I know you're in a totally similar situation so can understand the confusion, and how awful for you with people actually saying it's a good thing and not acknowledging your loss   

i too don't trust that all will be well with the remaining little one, it just seems so hard to believe.  I'm not due another scan for about 8 weeks!! don't think i'll last that long so will probably book a private one but i'm even more terrified of scans now.  

GGx


----------



## Marra

Dear GreatGazza and Mifi

It sounds like a horrible and confusing time for you both; sending positive thoughts but also big sympathies for the losses you have suffered. 

Thinking of you   

Marra


----------



## greatgazza

thanks Marra  

GGx


----------



## Betty-Boo

GG      A loss is a loss is a loss in my book ... 


    to Mifi too ...


This journey is too long and too darn emotional for my liking at the moment...


Lou-Ann - thinking of you.


Take care M x x 


In fact ....    for all of us x x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks Mini, thinking of you too honey    

I read a poem the other night called 'What makes a Mother?'. And although I am not religious, it really has helped me think that my lil Pip is somewhere as opposed to nowhere, and knows just how much he/she was (and still is) loved. I haven't posted it incase it upsets anyone (it had me in floods of   ), but for those that want to take a look, it can be found if you google it.

I'm off to the jewellers today with a lovely fellow FF to sort out Pip's pendant   .

GG, Mifi, Sunny and Soozy, thinking of you all too      

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Damelottie

Hope you find something nice Lou-Ann


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks DL   . I am hoping to get a little replica (apple) pip made   

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Best of luck today Lou-Ann - I finally got around to google the incomprehensible term "pip" today thus learning what on earth you were calling your little ones... It's such a fitting name for a little being of hope 

Inspired by Suity I decided to go for a charm bracelet where I can add other things as I go along - hopefully in time adding charms for my living children as well as this little one. Unfortunately I didn't find any that I liked much and in the end I decided to by it's parts from a craft website. Got it yesterday and it's soo nice  I bought 20 cm of silverchain made as little interconnected hearts and plan to put small red swarowski-butterflies on it as permanent decoration. For now it only has my first little charm, the one for this lost one. He got a small silver butterfly, since I've become crazy about butterflies after the loss... 

I also got around to order a headstone today. It will look lovely, and not being too big (everything just seemed too big...) And he got to have his tummy-name on it as well, something which I am particularly pleased with. Instead of "My darling" or something like that - it will say "My Lillsudd". It's not a word really but if it's made of part of the word for little and a slang-word meaning something like "pocket lint" or at least something very small... There's a picture of the drawing we decided to go for on my blog.


----------



## Lou-Ann

FC, the charm bracelet sounds lovely   . Glad that you got to order the headstone for your son and that you have been able to add your own sentimental wording too   .

I have just got back from spending a lovely afternoon with Chowy and her gorgeous little Pup   . Her jeweller friend was able to make my lil Pip pendant and it is just what I wanted   . Thank you hun   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Betty-Boo

How lovely Lou-Ann x x x


Think I called mine apple pip as that was her size near the beginning and it just stuck!  


    


Mini x x


----------



## Lou-Ann

Thanks Mini   . Hope you are doing okay   .

Lou-Ann x


----------



## greatgazza

thanks mini and lou ann   

fc and lou ann your pendants sound lovely and very fitting.  glad you managed to get just what you wanted 

GGxx


----------



## Chowy

Lou Ann glad I could be of help honey.

Re charm bracelets I have a lovely one and all of my charms mean something personal to me, its by Thomas Sabo.

Lots of love and    to you all.

Chowy and Pup xx


----------



## Fertilitychallenged

Lou-Ann> I'm happy you found something that suits the life of your little one. 

I have been fingering my bracelet all day finding it oddly sothing.  Originally I bought 4 red butterfly pearls but thinking about it I think I will add another two - thus symbolizing the 6 early losses I had before loosing Aleksas. I've had 4 during my ttc journey and then 2 unplanned pregnancies at age 16 and 21. Both unplanned but even the first one I choose not to terminate, as if I'd known what laid ahead. Still hoping for charms for living children to add in the future. I also made a couple of pendants I got as an infant to the bracelet and now I'm wondering why I never thought of this kind of life-memorial before...

Mini> Apple pip is a lovely tummy-name. It sounds a bit odd in my language but maybe I'll adopt a version of it if I ever get pregnant again... October october october.

Spent a few hour at the cemetery this afternoon. I feel oddly calm out there. Just reading a book and laying in the grass behind his grave, life seems somehow less overwhelming and - strangely enough - less sad at the sight that should be the saddest of them all. The company thought the stone would be up in August, even as the cemetery board (who has to approve the stone) has summer vacation in July. I'm happy about that too, even though I'm also concerned about having to move a rose I planted in June (he got it from his grandmother the day of the burial). I was stupid enough not to concider that I might put his stone up as early as this summer... I wonder if it survives having to be replanted twice the same year. On the other hand it stands a better chance than actually being under the stone so I guess I have to make an attempt after all.


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

I have  Tiffany dianmond solitaire necklace that my donor and his partner gave me not for our baby loss, but I always feel closer to my angel when I wear it.  I got the earrings to match from them for a Xmas gift.  I still have my scans and want to make them into a booklet but still don't feel ready to!! I always acknowledge my due date 16/7 and my loss date 4/12 3.15 pm with candles, chinese lanterms, helium balloons with a message attached to him/her.  

It is such a shame that everyone on here has to be in this position, but we are their mummies and will be with them one day.

L xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

JJ, so nice that you feel closer to your angel baby when you wear the necklace that your donor and his partner gave you. I like the idea of releasing a balloon/lantern, I have ordered a dove balloon to release for my lil Pip. 

Lou-Ann x


----------



## wizard

My sweetheart

Two years since your feticide and the day when your fighting little heartbeat was stopped. Your mummy never forgets that moment. Etched indelibly on my broken heart. You are forever alive in my mind and my soul, every second of every hour of every day. 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx​


----------



## suitcase of dreams

wizard
thinking of you
Suitcase
x


----------



## blueytoo

Thinking of you Wizard    

xx


----------



## Rose39

Sending you big hugs Wizard     

Rose xx


----------



## Chowy

Wizard thinking of you and little Louis and sending many      

Take extra good care of yourself

Chowy and Pup xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Wizard     


M xxx


----------



## lulumead

Sending big love and hugs for you and your boys.
Xxx


----------



## indekiwi

Wizard, with love and            to you and both your boys.


A-Mx


----------



## Damelottie

Aww Wizard. Thinking of you and sending all our love xxxxxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard- thinking of you and Louis x


----------



## wizard

My little treasure

I can't believe it's been two years since I gave birth to you and held your fragile, beautiful little body in my arms.  I remember it as if it was yesterday.  I am forever grateful to have had that time with you and I just wanted to keep you forever.  I miss miss miss you with every inch of my body and can not tell you how much I long to have you here with me.  My broken heart never heals and the chasm I feel never closes.  Rest well darling.

Mummy xxxxx





Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts.  They mean a great deal to me.  I shared my loss with so few people in real life, and the support offered by many of you on here during that agonising time and beyond has been priceless.

Wizard x


----------



## lulumead

Sending some more hugs, I am sure today is particularly tough, although I know every day is. Xxxxx


----------



## indekiwi

Wizard, per Some1's suggestion of a while back, my family will be singing Twinkle Twinkle tonight for your precious Louis.  His visit to this world was way too brief, but his impact on others' people's lives through his mummy's love and words has been profound.  Sending you so much love and hugs today to help you get through.


A-M, Poppet and Alvina xxx


----------



## sweet1

Thinking of you Wizard. xx


----------



## Damelottie

Thinking of you Wizard and you lovely little treasure


----------



## silverbird

Thinking of you wizard


----------



## ameliacooper

Thinking of you Wizard xxx


----------



## Mifi

Wizard im a bit late    but huge        &


----------



## Sima

Wizard - all my thoughts are with you.


----------



## jenjen1

Hi, sadly I am new here...
some may recognise me recently from the single bumps thread, anyway here is what happened...

I made it to my 19th week when I started having pains monday night. I am in Swizterland now and my sister had just arrived with her baby. I went to sleep in pain & woke up at 3 am in agony which couldn't be ignored then I saw I was bleeding. My sister knew the nearest hospital with a maternity ward but it had started to snow heavily. We eventually made it 20 mins later. I had my European medical card & passport so they eventually scanned me. saw the baby looking well & moving but then they looked lower and discovered my cervix was open & almost completely dilated. the sac was bulging thru. they told me there was nothing they could do but check me in & wait & see but it didn't look good. My contractions had started early and were very painful. there was nothing they could do to stop it.

the next 12 hours was excruciating. no amount of pain killer was enough. finally at noon they identified the heavy contractions became real labour, gave me an epidural & I was forced to deliver my baby at 19 weeks.

I am not going to say much more but it seems either there was an infection or I had incompetent cervix. They will do an autopsy. the psychiatrist came to seems twice (in french) & they took many tests. I will find out eventually what caused this I hope. No one should ever go thru what I did. My sister held my hand during the whole delivery. then I had the operation after for the afterbirth which took a while. I spent the next 2 days in hospital on the maternity ward.I am back home now & just want to get stronger for my next round. they say I can try again in 3 months. Perhaps look out for me on the having treatment page in a few months.

I wasn't going to write this on this page but I am told it is thereuputic & others may want to know.

love, jennifer


----------



## Diesy

Dear Jennifer,

I'm so very sorry to hear what's happened.  It's devastating.  My heart goes out to you, you're being very brave.  At a loss for words, big big  .  Gutted for you.  Also, really glad you posted, well done, it must have been so hard to do that.
Take good care,
Diesy


----------



## Betty-Boo

Jenjen - sweetheart massive        for you   .


Words so fail me, I'm thinking of you and your little star.     
Take time and take very good care 


Mini xxx


----------



## GIAToo

Jennifer, I am SO sorry that you have had to go through this.  Take care of yourself.  I hope that the autopsy gives you some answers so that you never have to go through anything like this ever again       
GIA Tooxxxxx


----------



## silverbird

Jen


----------



## Tommi

Jennifer - how very sad. So sorry you have had to experience this.    
Thinking of you  
T xx


----------



## jenjen1

thanks girls for your support. I have just come back from the specialist consultant who gave me the results of the tests. It seems there was an infection in the amniotic fluid. Nothing to be done. Just happened and apparently often does occur in IVF treatments. trying to move on & focus on getting my life back on track. doc says I have to wait another 2 & a half months before I can try again but just placed my new order with Xytex in preparation so I can be sure of the same donor. Has anyone heard of this infection happening to others? x


----------



## silverbird

still thinking of you Jen and glad you have an answer


----------



## Betty-Boo

Jen     take very good care and take time.  It'll take a wee while for your body too settle.
It's good that you have an answer - hopefully your clinic can explain this a little bit more.


Take care 


Mini xx


----------



## Diesy

Hi Jen,

So glad you got some answers.  It's so hard, feel for you.    One of the problems with miscarriage is guilt so I hope these results free you from that. 

I heard it was an infection that caused Lily Allen to lose her last baby.  It's nice she has had success now.

Pleased for you that you are moving forward too.  Take care   Diesy xx


----------



## time2bmom

Hi girls.. 

I'm new! I went to an Information evening through PACT and I've got my first interview on Wednesday.
I've just finished telling my friends.. all but 2 completely supportive 

I'm so excited.. it's the first time the possibility of becoming a mum has ever been so real and I know there is a long bumpy road ahead and it might not happen but....


----------



## Betty-Boo

Emily -  think you may have posted on the wrong thread 

This one's for pregnancy loss honey.

Try posting here:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=236072.0

or for Singles and adoption here;

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=149503.0

Tis xx


----------



## some1

Thinking of all the mummies who don't have their precious babies with them today   

Some1

xx


----------



## lulumead

Perfectly put Someone.
Am sending my thoughts too
Xxxx


----------



## indekiwi

Some1, thank you for the very timely words.   

All my love also on Mothering Sunday to those who have loved and lost their precious angel children.   


A-Mx


----------



## Lillyan

Thanks for posting that Some1. It's a particularly lonely day today and i think most people (that I know anyway) forget that the day holds such huge significance for those ladies who've lost their LO's. I logged on to put up a post just to say to anyone else who's on their own today and remembering - you're not alone     And I saw you'd already posted something, god I love FF, the support is just amazing Xxxxx


----------



## wizard

Love and thoughts today to all those who have lost their babies.  It can be such a very hard day.   

Wizard xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

And to you honey      


Take very good care xxx


----------



## GIAToo

Sending love and hugs to everyone who has found themselves posting on this thread 
GIA Too xxxxxxx


----------



## greatgazza

Love and hugs to all     

GGx


----------



## caramac

Thinking of you all today xx


----------



## aimless1

Well made it through Mother's day without being too miserable.  It is a hard and lonely day for me.  I found out  I was pregnant on Mother's day 3 years ago and was so excited.  
The posts on this thread really help.  I was also really touched by my sister today who had got me a Happy Auntie's Day card from my two nieces and a box of chocolates.  She knows I find the day hard and it was such a sweet thing to do.  Seeing my nieces really cheered me up.
Thinking of everyone else who has also lost little ones and hoping the day has gone ok for you too.

Amy x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Hard day yesterday - year on from ET. Funny how your mind works isn't it. 
Am ok just questioning my decision not to try again. And my sanity   

Massive hugs ladies xx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

to thetis, aimless and everyone who has suffered a loss

Suitcase
x


----------



## some1

Sending lots of    to all the ladies who have suffered the misery of miscarriage and stillbirth.

xx


----------



## Elpida

((((((Thetis))))


xxxxx


----------



## bingbong

Thetis I've been thinking of you and am sending a massive amount of             


bingbong x


----------



## Rose39

Thetis - sending huge hugs hun         .

Rose xxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Awww thank you ladies     I'm ok really - just a little sad but also taking the positive that I can get pregnant if I wish to try again.  Was telling mum about how we call ourselves mummy's to angels - bless her she was in tears.


Think it was very hard on her - she was with me all the way through, even when I mc.  Saw everything - bless her   


Anyway - enough dwelling Tis - dusting down and moving forwards.


Thanks again    Tis xx


----------



## wizard

Thetis, thinking of you   

Wizard xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Thetis I am so sorry, it is so hard, but you will always be a mummy to your Angel and one day we'll meet them.


----------



## Betty-Boo

JJ1 - that we will ..     
Tis xx


----------



## Damelottie

Thetis ((((hugs))))


----------



## indekiwi

Tis,            


A-Mx


----------



## Marra

Thetis - thinking of you and sending big hugs    

Marra
xxx


----------



## lulumead

Loads of     coming your way Thetis
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Josie43

dear all
just found this thread
last week had 7w scan and slow hb found
tmrw i have a f-u scan and had the longest hardest week of my life
the idea that my baby might have died is just beyond me
im 45  on friday and fear this might have been my only hope
i know i know without the definite news there is still hope but the effort of carrying this by myself is just destroying me
i am just in the worst torment 
j x


----------



## greatgazza

Josie so sorry you are going through this    

As you say, there is still some hope, so praying that tomorrow brings you some positive news    

GGx


----------



## Rose39

Josie - thinking of you and sending big hugs     

Rose xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Josie I so hope that you have good news tomorrow, have hope in your BFP. I would take a freind with you for support as it is a long and hard road. 
L xx


----------



## kizzi79

Will be thinking of you tomorrow josie - wishing you and bubba all the best  

love krissi xx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

josie, I do hope that you get some good news today. I've been in your situation and I remember that awful week only too well
sending many     and lots of    
Suitcase
x


----------



## indekiwi

Josie, sending you lots of      and      for today's scan.  Please take someone with you to the scan honey - whether good or bad news, you really need the real ones of these      right now.  


A-Mx


----------



## Damelottie

Josie - so very sorry to read your post. Thinking of you and hoping everything turns out well xxxx


----------



## some1

Josie - hoping that you get some good news today       

Some1

xx


----------



## Elpida

Josie


I hope you get good news today, sending you lots of    and   


Esperanza


----------



## Betty-Boo

Josie     for good news today   
Tis x


----------



## Josie43

It wasn't
I'm heartbroken

And feel lost.


----------



## greatgazza

Josie I'm so sorry to hear that      

Words fail me and I know there is nothing that will make it any easier right now.

Lots of love 

GG xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Josie      sweetheart - all I will say is take time out for you and take things at your pace.
I was heart broken - still am - and thought I should be feeling this that and the other - whereas I should've just gone with my gut and at my pace.
Take very good care.  Is someone with you?
Tis xx


----------



## indekiwi

Josie,        Thinking of you and hoping you have someone with you tonight.  I am so sorry that you are experiencing this loss.


A-Mx


----------



## Rose39

Josie - So sorry to learn your sad news and sending you big hugs      Please do lean on us for support  - having been there myself I know how devastating it feels  - we're here for you hun, you're not alone.     

Rose xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Josie I'm so so sorry for your loss, the same thing happened to me - my baby had a v slow hb on 6 wk 5 day scan and the following week it had died, and my world came tumbling down too. The chances are v low when there is a slow hb detected. Give yourself some time to heal and grieve.  Thinking of you xxx


----------



## some1

Josie - so very sorry that it was bad news, thinking of you   

Some1

xx


----------



## Tommi

Thinking of you Josie  
Txx


----------



## bingbong

Josie thinking of you and so sorry to hear your news     


bingbong x


----------



## Lillyan

Josie I'm so sorry. I've been there and there are just no words to describe the shock and the loss. Please don't go through this on your own - keep logging on, everyone is here for you


----------



## suitcase of dreams

Josie,

I've been there too, sending    
Hope you have friends and family around to support you at this difficult time

I know it may not feel like it right now, but when you are ready, there are options to explore to give you the family you want    For now, take all the time you need to grieve, 

thinking of you 
Suitcase
x


----------



## Damelottie

Josie - I am so very sorry to read your news. So sad for you


----------



## smilingandwishing

Josie,

My thoughts are with you!

Smiling xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Josie, thinking of you      

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Chowy

Josie

Sending        I am so sorry for your loss, stay safe and do what you need to do to get through this.

Take care

Chowy xx


----------



## blueytoo

Josie, I've also been there, I am so very sorry for your loss


----------



## Rose39

Ladies, I've just read (in today's Guardian online) about a lovely couple who have themselves suffered several miscarriages and who wanted to help others acknowledge their much loved and lost babies, as miscarriage and early infant loss affect so many people but isn't talked about. They have organised services in some of the UK's most beautiful cathedrals between September and December 2012 to remember lost babies - I thought it might be helpful to post the details here, as several of us have posted previously on this thread asking for ideas on how to remember the LOs we have lost.

I am so thankful that I have Rosebud, but I still remember the LO that I lost 3 years ago, and Rosebud's twin that didn't make it, and there are many ladies on here who have suffered loss and haven't yet had a sticky BFP, and they continue with huge courage and persistence (thinking of JJ1 and Thetis especially here and sending you big hugs    ).

Here is a link to the website that talks about the services and the dates/locations:
http://www.sayinggoodbye.org/index.html

Rose xx

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Betty-Boo

Rose      thank you - what a lovely thought.  Think I may venture up to Exeter Cathedral - lovely place.


Massive    to all who are mummies to   's 


Take care Tis xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Rose thanks so much that's a lovely thought, hopefully I'll be able to go to one of the London venues.
L xxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

^bump^ just bumping up so that our angels aren't forgotten and lost!


----------



## some1

JJ - the angels on here will never be forgotten     - I think about all the babies who are not with their mummies, and how much their mummies must miss them so often (and I'm sure many, many others do too)

Some1

xxx


----------



## GIAToo

I will never forget the two I lost.   

   to everyone else.
GIA Tooxx


----------



## Diesy

Really sad to come on with bad news. Tommi's asked me to post, her little baby had no heartbeat at today's scan. It seems to have happened in the last day or so. I'm sure we're all thinking of Tommi and wishing her all the extra strength in the world as she gets to grips with such sad news.

Massive lump in my throat as I type this, many, many hugs to Tommi - Diesy xxx


----------



## Elpida

Tommi, my heart goes out to you. Lots of   and I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who care for you and take the time you need to heal.


I'm so very, very sorry x x x x x


----------



## Rose39

So, so sorry Tommi - thinking of you and sending big hugs    

Rose xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Diesy - thank you for letting us know.  Massive    for Tommi.  Unfortunately there are too many of us that know the feeling of loss.  


Take care Tommi


Tis xx


----------



## some1

Oh Tommi, so very sorry to hear that your little bean hasn't made it, thinking of you and sending lots of     

Some1

xx


----------



## bingbong

Oh tommi I'm so sorry to hear that       


thanks for posting Diesy


bingbong x


----------



## justineb

Tommi    Just a quick note to say I am thinking of you and sending you my love, I am so deeply sorry to read the news.  I know how just must be feeling as I have had similar experiences, all I can say is that it takes time and you have to give yourself whatever time you need right now. Love Justine xx


----------



## HMB

Dear Tommi, so very sorry about this nightmare, snif. Unfair. I can't imagine how you must feel. Please take care of yourself. xx


----------



## greatgazza

oh Tommi, i'm so so sorry to hear this       

Take good care of yourself.

GGx


----------



## NowOrNever

Very sad news. So very very sorry to hear that.

Big hugs and take care of yourself.


----------



## ameliacooper

Tommi

I am so sorry to read your news.  I have been thinking about you all day and hoping for the best 

Be kind to yourself xx


----------



## indekiwi

Tommi, my heart goes out to you - what dreadful news.      Thinking of you now and hoping that family and friends are close by to support you as and when you need them.  


A-Mx


----------



## caramac

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this Tommi


----------



## Lillyan

Tommi I'm so, so sorry, my heart goes out to you    

Lxxx


----------



## Sima

Oh Tommi - I am so sorry for your loss.     Big Hugs


----------



## Kuki2010

Dear Tommi,
We are all thinking of you.. Take your time and be very kind to yourself..Wish there was something we could do and take the pain out of your heart but... It will eventually.. Just grieve for your loss and take as long as you like.. And we are always here.. Always.. 
Sending you billions of hugs.. 
Love. Kukixx


----------



## GIAToo

So sad to hear of your loss Tommi - be kind to yourself and I hope you have some support around you      
GIA Too xxx


----------



## Bubbachops

Dearest Tommi,  I am so very sad to hear of your loss x


----------



## Damelottie

Oh Tommi    .
I am more sorry than I can say to have come on and read this dreadful news. Please know we are all thinking of you and little bean     

xxx


----------



## starbuck

So sorry to hear your news Tommi.  big hugs from me - i hope you have some support.  

Starbuck
X


----------



## lulumead

thanks for posting Deisy.


Tommi...sending you     Take it easy on yourself. 


xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Maya7

Tommi, my heart goes out to you.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 
Maya


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Tommi I am so sorry for your loss and thinking of you and your   - life is so cruel at times, can empathise with you xx


----------



## Baai

Oh, Tommi, such dreadful news!   

Take your time to grieve. I hope you have some support.


----------



## morrigan

Tommi - there arent any suitable words but I'm thinking you.


----------



## Tommi

Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. It means such a lot. I feel devastated and can't stop crying but I'm told that's normal. I'm just waiting to hear from the hospital about when the ERPC will be. I've been advised that's a better option than the drugs or just waiting for a bleed if you want to try again. Does that sound right?

Thanks again ladies, you have helped such a lot. And thank you to Diesy for posting for me.

Txx


----------



## Rose39

Tommi - I just posted on the other thread... huge hugs, sadly there are several of us who have been through this awful process and it's normal to go initially into a state of shock and then non-stop crying .... you are grieving hun        

I had an ERPC - I didn't want to wait until I miscarried naturally as I was told it can take several weeks and I wanted to grieve, get some closure and then start to move on, as soon as possible. There are pros and cons of the ERPC vs the medical approach  (taking the drugs) as with all treatments, but it's the least traumatic emotionally as it's very quick and you don't see anything - however it is an operation (albeit a minor one) and something that JJ1 (a lovely singlie FFer) recommended that I ask the hospital when I had my ERPC was whether they used an ultrasound scanner to guide the op, or if not, what they did to minimise the risks of Asherman's Syndrome (where they inadvertently damage the uterine lining during the ERPC - it's very, very rare and the vast majority of us have had no problems at all after our ERPCs, but very unfortunately for JJ1 this is what happened to her and so her advice was so helpful to me as I was able to get reassurances from the hospital on their approach, hence why I'm passing it on - and big hugs to JJ1 who has been so supportive to so many of us      ). 

Hope that you have lots of support from family and friends at this sad time hun     . Thinking of you.

Rose xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

I was advised to take the drugs - not a nice way tbh - but that was to ensure my lining wasn't damaged.  


It just broke my heart having to show everything passed to the nurses and I did bleed for about 4 weeks in total.  My body took ages to let go.


It's a hard decision which every method you choose.  
Take care


Tis xxx


----------



## Rose39

Huge hugs Thetis hun            

There are far too many of us (even just one of us is too many) who have had to go through this awful process and make decisions when none of the options is one that we'd choose to take.     

Rose xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Rose - right back at you       


Tommi - go with your heart and what feels right for you     I'm so sorry you've got to go through this pain.  You're not alone - we'll help as much as we can - even if its just to shout and scream with.  The Pregnancy loss board helped me - just to write my feelings down - but we are each different and please go at your own pace.  


Rose - I'm going to look at that link you sent again ref the Cathedral's and churches having a remembrance service. 

Take care xx


----------



## upsydaisy

Oh Tommi    so so sorry to read your news   .  Life is just too cruel sometimes.  Take care of yourself and let friends and family take lots of care of you      
Love and hugs
Upsyxxx


----------



## Fraggles

Oh Tommi I am so so sorry to see your news. I am sending you lots of hugs . Lots of love xxxx


----------



## GIAToo

Tommi - more     Such an awful time for you.  I had an ERPC too, and I also had problems with my lining afterwards so I would seriously consider the alternatives if it happened to me again.  None of it is easy   

Take care
GIA Tooxx


----------



## Matilda7

Tommi, I'm so sorry to hear this.  Thinking of you


----------



## Marra

I'm so sorry to hear this news Tommi and am sending you big hugs     

I had a few miscarriages too which all happened without the need for an ERPC - in a way it helped me come to terms with it being aware of it happening, but everyone has a different experience of this so see what you think is best for you. I'm really sad you're having to go through this.

Marra
xx


----------



## Mifi

Tommi im so so sorry to hear your sad news and remember the pain so well. Be kind to yourself     huge hugs hun      XXXX


----------



## Tommi

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your support and kind thoughts. The ERPC is tomorrow morning. I've had a very reassuring email exchange with the consultant over the weekend and although he's not there tomorrow he's asked me to let him know how it goes. I have a list of questions for the doc who does it!

It still feels unreal. I hope I start to feel better about it after tomorrow. I really can't thank you enough for your messages  

Txx


----------



## justineb

Tommi, I will be thinking of you tomorrow, love Justine xx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Tommi I have pm'd you but thinking of you at this v sad time xx


----------



## Tommi

Thank you ladies   I went to the hospital this morning and got as far as theatre but the doctor doing the procedure said he wasn't happy to do it because I hadn't been given anything to soften my cervix (I haven't had any bleeding). There was a bit of a disagreement between the ward nurse and the doc as apparently they don't bother to soften the cervix any more but the doc said if they don't there's a higher risk of damage to the cervix and the lining especially if you aren't bleeding and haven't already had a vaginal delivery. He decsribed me as "high risk" because I'd had IVF and definitely want to try again for a baby. He actually said to the nurse "If she was my wife I would not let her have the procedure done without her cervix being softened". These discussions took some time (one each side of the trolley I was lying on) and it was eventually decided I should go back again tomorrow. So I'm home now and haven't had the ERPC done. 

Txx


----------



## jenjen1

Tommi, I am so sorry, I just heard as I don't check in very often. We cycled together and I was so happy for you. The important thing is try to put everything into perspective. I find that personally practically impossible though. 

I sent you a PM. Take care!xx


----------



## Elpida

Tommi


What a nightmare, not what you need your poor thing, but it sounds like the Dr knows his stuff. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow x x


----------



## suitcase of dreams

Tommi, I've been away with no laptop and although I did read your posts on my phone I didn't want to reply until I could do so properly. I'm so very very sorry to hear your sad news   
A similar thing happened to me on my 3rd IVF - at 7 weeks there was a weak heartbeat and I was advised to wait a week but not to get my hopes up. After a terrible week the next scan confirmed things and I had an ERPC a few days later. I had no problems with the physical recovery from the ERPC and as you know, went on to get pregnant successfully later (albeit with DE). 
What a terrible experience you've had at the hospital today too, not what you need at such a difficult time. But on the other hand, good that the surgeon was doing what he thought best to maximise your chances of the op being a complete success and you going on to get pregnant again
Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow, I hope it all goes smoothly for you. My thoughts are with you. There's very little that I can say to make it better, the only thing which worked for me was time. Take all the time you need, don't rush back to work and don't be afraid to shout, cry and rant if it helps    
Take good care, 
Suitcase
x


----------



## Rose39

Huge hugs Tommi, what an awful experience this morning - but it was good that the doctor had your best interests at heart and was trying to maximise your chances of getting pregnant next time. I clearly remember that I was given a pessary to soften my cervix when I had my ERPC. Hope that things go more smoothly tomorrow.      

Rose xx


----------



## natclare

So sorry to hear such terrible news Tommi and sending lots of love and


----------



## karenstar

Tommi - so sorry to hear your news. Take care of yourself.


----------



## bingbong

Tommi that sounds horrible but I'm pleased that the Dr was looking out for you. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope that it goes ok    


bingbong x


----------



## caramac

Tommi so glad you had a good doctor on your side during this most horrible time. Hope tomorrow goes quickly and you can look to the future again.


----------



## SophieBlue

Hi Tommy

I'm so sorry to hear your news.
BIG HUG for tomorrow      and speedy recovery and take as much time as you need. 
We are all thinking of you.

Take care
Sophiexx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Oh Tommi      I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  


I am glad that the doctor is taking your needs seriously and that he has stood his ground!  Good on him.  


Take care honey - please try and get some sleep tonight.


Tis xx


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi, what a horrible experience to go through.     for tomorrow.

Xxx


----------



## Tommi

Thank you so much ladies   It was cancelled again today. I really didn't think this stage would be so hard    The consultant who has treated me in the past rang me this morning to say he would do it but is on holiday now until next week and he doesn't want me to wait that long but that I should have a consultant do it. Just spoke to my clinic and they also said I should definitely ask for a consultant to do it. Hopefully I will have a firm arrangement by the end of the day.
Txx


----------



## lulumead

Tommi      What a horrible time.  Its good that they are looking after you though and making sure you get the best, just very tough to wait.   


xxx


----------



## GIAToo

Oh my goodness Tommi       I am glad the the Consultant is looking out for your long term health, but how awful to be put through all this drama.  Take care   
GIA Tooxxx


----------



## Tommi

Thanks so much ladies. I didn't know the whole pessary/no pessary issue was so controversial. The nurses are still adamant that it isn't done at 8 weeks because the pregnancy is so early but the doctors say it isn't anything to do with the size of the baby or length of pregnancy it's to do with whether the cervix is open or not. How can there be such a fundamental disagreement? And despite two consultants saying I have to have a consultant do it the ward sister has said that it won't be possible. Have to admit I did then say "You have no idea how stressful this is when you all say something different"      

So I'm no further forward and feel like I'm running out of options. Maybe I should just give up and wait for a bleed and hope that it is complete.

Txx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

oh tommi, you should not have to be dealing with all this and getting caught between consultant and nurses - it's utterly ridiculous    
can you talk to PALS (Patient Advisory Service) at the hospital and get some intervention to move things forward? it's not right that this is being held up when it's such a difficult and emotional thing to have to go through in the first place
I def had pessary for mine (at 8 weeks) although that was 2008 so maybe the rules have changed since then...
Suitcase
x


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi, what a nightmare for you. I really hope there is a resolution for you soon   

Xxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Tommi sweetheart       - what a blimming carry on!  This is hard enough as it is without all this too.  I am glad your consultant is looking after your welfare though - that is important. 


  you have a way forward and soon.


Take care 


Tis xx


----------



## morrigan

tommi you poor thing been caught in the middle- i reckon you should settle for what the consultant said and no less - hope they get there act together in the mean time hope you ve got people around you- sending lots of virtual hugs.


----------



## Damelottie

How awful for you    .

I hope it is resolved soon. Do you have to discuss it with the nursing staff? I think I would be inclined to listen to the consultant. They should go to him or their ward managers if they think his decision is wrong - not express it all to you. That seems a bit cruel    .

We are all thinking of you xxxxx


----------



## upsydaisy

Tommi -       so sorry you're having to go through this nightmare   
Upsyxxx


----------



## Elpida

Tommi


----------



## Tommi

Thank you ladies   Finally, today is the day. I had to give up on the local hospital as they are still fighting among themselves. Doctors want to go ahead with a pessary but the ward sister rang me yesterday and said I shouldn't do that because they are not used to nursing women who have had pessaries and "that's when complications happen". I asked her if she was advising me to go against the doctors' advice and she said... yes!  I just don't feel safe enough to be treated there.

So, I'm paying to have it done. I think I may complain at some stage but not right now. Don't have that kind of energy.

Thanks so much for your support and kind words. I really hope that after this evening I can start to feel a bit better about it.

Txx


----------



## Rose39

Tommi - huge hugs hun .... you are doing the right thing as it's totally unfair for you to be stuck in the middle of hospital politics. This is a traumatic time for you in the first place and they are making it worse - I can't believe their lack of compassion in not sorting out their differences behind the scenes .... and shocked that the ward sister would call you in person to try to dissuade you from following doctors advice. Hope everything goes much more smoothly for you and you are looked after really well now you are going private. I would definitely complain and ask for your fee refunded by your PCT but now is not the time - hope that you can start to feel stronger again very soon.             

Rose xxx


----------



## SophieBlue

Tommi
What a journey you just experienced!
It made me ungry when I was reading your post, what a lack of proffesionalism and patient care from NHS. I wish I could say Im surprised but Im not I had very bad experience with NHS when I had my misscarage too.
But Im glad to hear you opted to go private and you will get a proper care.
I just wanted to say take a very good care of yourself  and take it easy.
Big hug
Sophie xxx


----------



## some1

Tommi - so sorry that you have been through such an awful time with the nhs trying to sort out your ERPC.  Hope all has gone as well as it can today, thinking of you   

Some1

xx


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi - I am so very sorry that you have been out through so much. I am so angry on your behalf. 

I hope today goes as well as it can and you can start to heal emotionally as well as physically     

Xx


----------



## Lou-Ann

Tommi, I am so, so sorry to see your sad news, thinking of you       

Lou-Ann x


----------



## Elpida

Tommi, Im so sorry this has been unnecessarily hard and complicated for you. I hope you're taking care of yourself over the weekend. Lots of    hun x x


----------



## winky77

Tommi...I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the debacle at the hospital. Big hugs and hoping the passing of time can help  with both the physical and emotional healing. 

..Winky


----------



## morrigan

I'm angry on your behalf tommi - as you said time enough to complain just jot dates times and gist of stuff down in case- hope you are ok - thinking of you xx


----------



## Tommi

Thank you so much ladies. The op went well on Friday (apart from a few post op complications - blood pressure too low and needing a drip). I am home now and healing well although emotionally still very much all over the place. I don't really feel like getting back to work yet although probably could do with the distraction.

I can't thank you enough for all your kind messages.

Txx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Tommi      work can wait.  I went back too early and lost the plot there for a wee while.  We are each different and process things in our own unique way.  All I can say is go at your pace, whatever that may be (I was guided by well meaning friends - which in the end didn't help me at all).  


Take care and be very kind to you    


Tis xx


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi, if you don't want to go back to work, don't. People often think the distraction will be good, but it so often turns out not to work. Take some time for you, no matter how long that is and remember that you do need to rest and look after yourself. The last thing you want is an infection because you haven't healed properly    

Take care

xxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

tommi -   glad it all went well in the end, although I'm so sad and angry for you that you had to go through all that
as others have said, don't go back to work if you don't feel ready - am sure your GP will sign you off for a while if you need to take a little more time. I found that the physical recovery for me was quicker than the emotional, within just a few days I felt physically OK, whereas the emotional recovery took longer
I seem to recall I took a week off work after the op but in retrospect prob could have done with at least double that - we're all different, just take care of yourself and don't rush back if you're not ready
thinking of you   
Suitcase
x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

tommi how are things ? Thinking of you xx


----------



## Tommi

Thanks ladies for your kind words. I have been doing a little writing each day (only a few hundred words) but still not up to actually going into work. Yesterday was a bad day. Just felt so sad and tearful all day. I've been doing some baking which helps a lot! Thank goodness for the Great British Bake Off  
Txx


----------



## some1

Tommi - Thinking of you lots and sending you lots of        

Some1


----------



## kizzi79

Thinking of you Tommi    - take care of you and don't rush to do anything you aren't ready for - as others have said work (and the rest of the world) can wait   

Love Krissi xx


----------



## Tommi

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate all your thoughts. I did manage to get one article written this week, very slowly, and I have done quite a bit of baking. I've never been confident baking with yeast so I've been having a play with bread this week!

Is it normal to have headaches after a miscarriage? I only had one when I was pregnant and that was before OTD but since the ERPC I've had a headache every day. Is that just hormones adjusting? I'm seeing my GP on Monday so I'll mention it to him but I just wondered if it was to be expected.  

Thanks ladies. 

Txx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Tommi - baking must be the in thing - have been baking bread and pasties lately.


As for headaches      I had them every day for a while.  Think it was partly due to lack of sleep, hormones and head just all over the place.  


Take care honey 


Tis xx


----------



## Tommi

Thanks Tis   I think you're right, it probably is everything all piled up. 

Bread and pasties sound good! I'm waiting for Paul Hollywood's baking book to arrive from amazon. The plan is to make every recipe, then I should be more confident with yeast baking!

Txx


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi - I had horrific headaches after my last miscarriage. Partly made worse by having to come off the steroids but definitely related to the miscarriage as well.  Thinking of you lots.   
Xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Ah - yes forgot about the steriods - that probably explains it too.


I cheat with my bread - packet and just add water!!  Next step is to bake it properly ...   
I do my pasties from scratch though... 



   Tis xx


----------



## Tommi

Thank you Blueytoo    I wasn't on steroids but I think the hormone changes could be enough. They aren't bad headaches (I've had migraines in the past and they're nothing like that) but they are annoyingly there pretty much all the time.

Thanks for all your thoughts - very much appreciated.

Good luck with the "from scratch" bread Tis! 

Txx


----------



## bingbong

Tommi sending     . Good luck with the baking, sounds great going through the whole book! I hope that the headaches stop soon.


bingbong x


----------



## blueytoo

Tommi - lots of carbs, bread, pasta etc and drinking tea and lots of water will really help if you can eat/drink those things. The water will help with general healing for you as well and replace the fluids that you lost.


----------



## Tommi

Thank you Blueytoo and Bingbong   Carbs are no problem for me at the moment! 
Sorry about all these questions but I've also got a really painful left breast. When I was pregnant that side was more uncomfortable than the right but is it usual for that pain to continue after?
Thanks ladies  
Txx


----------



## GIAToo

Tommi      
After my miscarriage I had a lump in my left breast and was leaking "milk" for weeks afterwards.  If your really worried go to your GP to get it checked out, but with me it was just all the milk ducts that had become full 'cos if all the hormones an it eventually sorted itself out.
GIA Too xxx


----------



## Tommi

Thanks GIA Too. I mentioned it (and the headaches) to my GP yesterday and he said that all those symptoms are typical after a  miscarriage but that if they are still there next week I need to go back. Stinking headache today. Just been for a walk to try to clear it but now reaching for the pills...!
Txx


----------



## karenstar

Tommi - do hope you are feeling better soon. Take care.


----------



## Tommi

Thank you Karen   No headache this morning!
Txx


----------



## Chowy

Tommi I havent been on here for a while but was just checking in, I am so sorry to hear not only the very sad news re your little bean but also how you have been treated since too.  Sending you big      and hope your headaches etc go soon too.

Take good care of yourself

Chowy xx


----------



## Tommi

It's six weeks since my ERPC and I think I'm feeling worse than ever now. I've got an appointment this afternoon to talk about the next cycle of IVF and feel very strange about it. Really in two minds. One part of me wants to find every excuse not to put myself through that again and the other can't wait to get started    I'm still at least a month away from injecting so hopefully I'll be clearer about whether I should go for it or not nearer the time. Really feel like I've taken a big backward step    Finally AF turned up. Is that why I'm feeling so low?

Txx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

just wanted to send some   tommi
6 weeks is really nothing in terms of time, so don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel 'better', especially as AF coming has probably stirred everything up
totally understand the fears around future tx. I think I left approx 3 mths between my ERPC and next attempt - but everyone is different and hopefully as you say, nearer the time you will know whether it's right for you to go ahead or whether you need a bit more time
I remember feeling encouraged on the one hand as now I knew I could get pregnant, but terrified on the other hand that I would have to go through miscarriage again (as it turned out I never managed to get pregnant again with my own eggs but then I turned out to have all sorts of other immune issues...)
do you have someone you can talk to (counsellor?) about all this. it really helped me. the other thing which helped was talking to a friend who had also suffered a couple of miscarriages...because I knew she understood how hard it was (although everyone reacts differently of course)
hope the appt goes OK this afternoon,  although it's a cliche, time does help and it's still a very recent experience for you so hang in there    
Suitcase
x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Tommi I cycled exactly 6 weeks after my ERPC and emotionally and physically it was the worst decision I made, I fully expected to get pregnant and the battle would be not miscarrying again.  All my eggs collected were immature so robbed of ET and I was an emotional wreck and crying on the bus to and from work and at home. I then went to a counsellor and it was the best thing i did. Do give yourself time if you feel that is best a few months later won't make a crucial dif in the grand scheme xxx

L


----------



## Diesy

Hi Tommi, sorry you are feeling so bad    Takes time, it really does.  Have you phoned the Miscarriage Association yet?  I think they might be an interim shoulder to cry on a bit.  You will be extra raw with AF turning up, maybe don't make any hard and fast plans, just some time off.  Try to keep stress and pressure at bay right now.  I feel the same heading towards tx, nothing I want more in the world but a feeling of terror too.  I can't imagine facing treatment so soon after a miscarriage, many.    

Diesy xx


----------



## Elpida

Tommi   


I don't have anything useful to add, but wanted to send you a big hug 


El x x


----------



## Tommi

Thank you so much for your wise words ladies. Apart from having a mini meltdown when I realised the consultation was in the same room as my last scan   it all went very well today. Basically it's a November cycle or January because of lab closure over Christmas. I'm 99% sure I'll go for it in November but won't decide for sure until nearer the time. 

JJ - did they say why your eggs were immature? Was it proximity to pregnancy or "just one of those things"? I'm waiting for the counsellor to get back to work (she's off sick at the moment) and then I'll have a few more sessions.  

Thanks so much Suity and Diesy   

Txx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Tommi       such a hard decision.  i waited 6 months, but in all honesty that was too soon for me and the BFN hit me hard.


Take care - go with your heart.


Tis xx


----------



## GIAToo

Tommi -     We all go through so many emotions.  I remember after my miscarriage I questioned whether I really wanted a baby!!  I was so terrified of getting a BFN OR getting a BFP and miscarrying.  I waited 3 months before I tried again. Apart from the mini meltdown, I'm glad it went well today. 
Take care 
GIA Tooxxx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Tommi to be honest they never really gave me an explanation and I said was it too soon, but they weren't going to say 'yes' ever and admit they guided/permitted me to cycle take my money, my lining problems also started as it wasn't thickening up, hence I thought that it was time to move clinics as I lost trust in them that they were doing the best for me- they are the professional experts we are the emotionally driven patients in all this and so vulnerable at a time after a mc. Other clinics make ladies wait 3 AF's etc.
I hope that you counsellor is back soon.
L x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

I am hoping to go to the St Paul's service in Nov - Rose shared this link with us months ago - thank you

Here is a link to the website that talks about the services and the dates/locations:
http://www.sayinggoodbye.org/index.html

Also don't forget Baby Loss Awareness day on 15 Oct- I've ordered my ribbons as I can't find last years.

http://www.babyloss-awareness.org

/links


----------



## Tommi

JJ - I'm hoping to go to that service too. I really like what that organisation does. Thanks for your reply too, and Tis and GIAToo. I've been told there's no reason (physically) for me to wait but I'm still in two minds about what will be worse - dealing with a failed cycle or delaying treatment. Just going to have to sleep on that one! I'm on borrowed time at my clinic as they've agreed to treat me when I'm 43 but would normally stop treating at 43rd birthday. Anyway, I'm hoping for some clarity, sometime and from somewhere!
Txx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

Tommi which clinic r u at that stops treating at 43 I thought most uk clinics were 49 and beyond! Gosh I'm granny then at 44 Clinics like the lister, crgh and Argc have many women over 43 & publish result tables- mayb your clinic doesn't want it's performance ratings pulled down with us oldies! Sometimes I would sit in the waiting and see many older ladies than me! In Spain & Greece there are some much older couples in the waiting room!!


----------



## Tommi

JJ - they stop at 43 for using own eggs but for donor eggs I think the limit is 49. It's funny because I often see ladies who look much older but I guess they are there for donor eggs. Or maybe I don't realise just how old I look!  

Txx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Thanks for reminding me JJ1    will try to get to Exeter.  Still got my ribbon, came across it the other day.


    for all


Tis x


----------



## greatgazza

Had not heard of those organisations or events before.

Have just ordered a ribbon for my angels and bozo's twin that I will tell him about one day. Will consider taking him to a service one day.

Take your time Tommi, just let the answer come to you    

Made me feel quite emotional looking at those sites, hugs to all as well    

GGx


----------



## smc81

Evening ladies
I can't quite believe I'm posting on here, it still doesn't feel real, although the pain tells me it is.
Yesterday my 6wk scan showed nothing in my uterus. It's strange but I think I knew a long time ago when I did a CBD expecting to see 3+ but it still showed 2-3. Then symptoms eased of and I had a tiny bit of bleeding Sunday night. Then I knew.

Bleeding started today and I feel numb. I have to to got blood tests tomorrow to check its not ectopic. I think I'm going to ask for counselling and I want to know when I can start trying again. I don't know when I'll be ready emotionally but I'd like to know where I stand.

Going through this alone is awful, as good as my friends and family are, they have stayed away in the main, apart from a few texts. I know that they just don't know what to say. But I feel so alone, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep being strong for. I feel broken.
Sarah x


----------



## Tommi

Sarah I am so, so sorry to read your news. I posted on the other thread but I just wanted to say it again here. You will feel utterly raw at the moment but it does start to get better slowly. The counselling will really help. I know it's easy to say, but please don't feel alone. There are many people on here who are beside you every step of the way. Minute by minute you will get through this, one little step at a time. 
  
Txx


----------



## greatgazza

Sarah i'm so sorry to hear of your loss    As Tommi says 'moment by moment is bearable' that's all you can try for right now.  If you do have a good friend you can lean on don't try and be strong, let it out and ask for some support.  counselling is a really good idea i hope you get some sorted quickly.

GGx


----------



## Chowy

Sarah

Words are not enough at this horrible, heartbreaking time.  Take each day as it comes and be good to yourself.  Sending lots of      

Chowy xx


----------



## Tommi

How are you doing Sarah? Thinking of you. I hope your blood tests went ok   
Txx


----------



## smc81

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words, it means a lot.
Tommi today has been tough, sometimes the pain is horrendous but at least it doesn't last long, the bleeding is pretty nasty but its not been quite as heavy as yesterday.
I've only cried twice and I don't feel quite so numb. I'm having the occasional thought of 'its not fair, why me?'
I feel like a lot of my friends are avoiding me, which is upsetting but then the ones that aren't just keep saying the wrong things, I'm not sure which is worse. Then I worry about how they're feeling and then I get annoyed cos I shouldn't be worrying about them. I'm just one big mess of emotions and I just want to feel normal again. In fact that's not quite true, I want to feel pregnant again. I feel like I should be a mess but for a totally different reason.

Sarah x


----------



## jenjen1

Sarah, I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Everyone here can relate in different ways and no matter when it happened, the wound will always be raw to a certain extent. 

It happened to me in the cruelest way 9 months ago. the pain was excruciating in every way. Sadly, I could not even ttc again until I waited 3 months. Then I had to have a major operation. Age was not on my side either. 

I'm not going to go on but you shouldn't worry about what your friends say or don't say. The only people who can possibly understand what we are going thru are single women who have had miscarriages. We are alone in dealing with our loss; no partner to share the grief process with. 

Just take it one day at a time. Don't think you have to do this on your own. Your GP can refer a therapist. I was seen immediately for 6 sessions I think by a counsellor and was on the list for psychologist which took 3 months to reach. 

I did it all. The only thing that helped after getting myself back on the road of ttc. 

Take care, and you too Tommi,

I bought my candle, don't have a ribbon though as PayPal is too confusing. Monday is going to be a difficult day

Jen xx


----------



## Tommi

Sarah   it's perfectly natural to feel like that. It is unfair. That makes it even harder. I think we just have to focus on getting stronger and maybe having angry moments is very much a part of that. It is really early days. Your hormones are going to be adjusting and so your emotions will probably be all over the place. Go with it and take time off if you need it. I fully understand your desire to feel pregnant again    You are doing so well. Big hugs    I found thinking about how I would mark my pregnancy a big help. I bought and planted a small shrub and I have some other plans too which I haven't felt quite strong enough to carry out yet, but I will one day soon. It might help to think about it when you feel up to it.  
That's a rambling way of saying I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel a little stronger day by day, even though it might not feel like that at times. 
Txx 

Jen - we posted at the same time. I bought my ribbons and have a candle. I will be having reflexology for part of that hour but will take my candle with me (she will understand!). I also plan to go to the service at St Paul's in November if I can. Take care of you too Jen xx


----------



## suitcase of dreams

sarah - sending some   
so sorry you are having to go through this
thinking of all of you who are struggling right now    
Suitcase
x


----------



## blueytoo

Sarah - I'm so sorry to hear your news. I've been there four times and it's just horrible, the pain, the misery, the loss and emptyness.

Do whatever it takes to get you though it, look after yourself   


xxx


----------



## lulumead

Just wanted to post some      
Take it easy on yourself, its a horrible experience.
xxxx


----------



## Tommi

How are you today Sarah? Thinking of you    
Txx


----------



## smc81

Thanks Tommi and lulu
Today has been hard, I think it's all starting to sink in. I just feel sad all the time, crying then feeling angry about everything. No one can say anything to me that's right, even though all I get is text messages. All of my 'supportive friends' don't call or visit. I feel so alone. Even my next door neighbour who I am constantly there for, invited me round Saturday night, no excuses - has now cancelled cos some bloke wants to see her, she says if I want some company her teenage daughter will be at home and she can babysit me. She should know better cos she's miscarried herself.

Well meaning friends who started off with 'I'm so sorry, I'll do anything to help' I've not heard anything from anyone today. Maybe I wouldn't feel quite so angry if I had a partner going through this with me but I'm on my own, I've been sat at home for 3 days now on my own. I keep being told I'm strong and brave, but I really don't feel it and besides I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm tired and feeling very defeated.

I am totally heart broken and don't feel like its ever going to get any better. I don't want to feel this anymore but I can't make it go away.


----------



## greatgazza

Sarah, so sorry to hear what a horrible day you've had   

yes, your neighbour should know better, that's pretty bloody insensitive.

it is really hard, but sometimes people just don't know what to say and so they stay away for fear of saying something that upsets us. we're a funny old bunch us 'stiff upper lip' brits. i remember the first time i knew of someone who had lost someone (years ago, when i was a teenager, one of my brother's friends losing a parent) and i managed to say how sorry i was etc and he told my brother how much it meant to him that i'd said something, anything as until people have been through it they're really afraid of it.  i have felt totally bereft of support from friends and family in the past when i was facing rock bottom and and it's really hard to deal with.

i'm sure you may not feel strong right now and it's hard to believe but it will get better love.  moment by moment is bearable.

get some sleep if you can, time does help,it's pretty much the only thing that does.   

hugs to everyone on here going through this heartache   

GGx


----------



## greatgazza

also, this is something that i found really hard but i really struggled to 'ask' for help, to pick up the phone and wail to a friend and ask them to come round, i 'hoped' they would call, they would text, they would come round, they would somehow 'sense' that i needed them but they didn't, they're not mind readers and may have thought i needed to be on my own.  when one of my best friends would phone,( if i did answer the phone, which i was also guilty of often not doing) and i broke down then they were like 'why didn't you tell me', 'why didn't you call me' .... they actually would have been there for me but i had shut everyone out and isolated myself...... is there someone you could call and let it all out and actually 'ask' for their help? i think we find it difficult as we have to do so much on our own and sometimes people think we either don't need them or don't want them around....

you might be surprised.....

GGx


----------



## Tommi

Sarah    GG has excellent advice. I think the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. Time will make it easier to take. In the meantime something that helped me was to focus on being creative - something every day at first. I bought a cookery book that I had really wanted and I'm working my way through the entire thing. I will make every recipe. I'm taking photos and recording what I think of the recipes in the book. It sounds daft but it's a project that has kept me going. I have actually learned a lot from it but the most important thing is that it has given me a focus that isn't work and if I have a little cry when I'm kneading bread or something, that's fine! Work has been so busy recently that I haven't been able to bake every day which is just as well because the freezer is full! 

Please know that you will feel better   It will take time and it may feel like you're going backwards sometimes but it's all progress  

I'm away for the weekend and won't have internet access but I will be thinking of you and hoping that each day is getting a little easier.

Txx


----------



## Damelottie

There are no more pins left? :-(


----------



## smc81

Tommi and GG
Thank you for the kind words and advice - much needed advice actually. I have been waiting for friends to miraculously know when the right time is to get in touch or come round. I've been a little unfair on some of them really, because I did say at first that I needed to be on my own - which I really did - but then have never told them that I'd like some support and company now. I'm not good at all asking for help, I've always done everything on my own and prided myself on never needing anyone for anything, it's become one of my downfalls.

I was angry at my best friend for not calling me, but I looked back at her first messages and she said I should call her when I felt ready to talk, she knows me well enough to know that I hate nothing more than talking when I don't feel like it, so I rang her last night and we had a good chat, but I couldn't cry, I still can't cry with other people, especially as I could hear in her voice how upset she was for me, I hate to think others are upset so I end up making stupid jokes - something I do when I feel uncomfortable.

Today is a better day than yesterday, I cried myself to sleep but felt better for it this morning. I've done a load of washing and done some gardening, I feel like I need to be doing something productive today, so I've cleared some space for a memorial, I want to plant a rose bush or shrub of some sort that flowers in May/June - when I would have been due. I've also decided to get a tattoo of a shooting star and my friend is going to design it for me. I feel like I have mo photos, memories, or even a name for my baby, I want to make it real, like I need to acknowledger my baby before I start to move on, I don't want to just forget, which obviously I never will but to me my baby was real and I need something to mark that.
I thought about naming the baby, but I can't, I don't even know if it would have been a boy or a girl, to me my baby will always be my little dot. So, my tattoo will be a shooting star, I like to think that somewhere he/she is looking down on me, and I have always loved looking for shooting stars, and it's always been my biggest wish to be a mum and I need to keep that with me.

I feel a bit like a crazy woman today, but I feel the need to keep busy, and this is all I can think of. While I feel a bit ok, I can't just sit around, but I am definitely not ready to go back to work yet.

Sarah xx


----------



## Arkay

Sarah     Just popped onto this thread to see how you're doing.  I'm glad you felt able to call your friend and have a good chat with her.  I think GG's advice was spot on.  People do care and do want to help, but they sometimes just don't know how to until you tell them what you need.  

Buying a plant that will flower at the time you would have ben due is a lovely idea, as is a tattoo to remember your little dot by. 

Stay away from work until you're 100% ready for it, unless you think the distraction would do you good.  Only you can decide when's best for you, so don't feel rushed into it by anyone or any self-imposed sense of obligation.

Thinking of you...


----------



## smc81

Thanks Arkay, it felt good to talk to my friend, although I still have a long way to go in  opening up to anyone. I rarely do, in fact the only time I really do open up and talk about any of this is on here. I think it's because I know none of my friends have any idea what it's like to go through this, it helps talking to all of you on here who totally get it. In the 'real world' I hate to think I'm bothering people, and when they say the wrong things I just get angry at people or more upset and I don't see the point in that. It's hard to know what to do, and how much to say.

I'm really excited about my plant, I've been doing lots of research and I might even venture out of the house tomorrow to the garden centre to see what I can find. I've never really been a tattoo person, but it's the only thing I can think of that will mean that little dot is always with me.

I've just emailed work to tell them that I will be at the hospital and with the gp on monday and I'll decide then if I'm ready to go back to work, although it's unlikely. Being a teacher, it'll be hard to keep my emotions in check, and teenagers have a habit of pouncing on any sign of weakness! So I'll give it another week, even though I am having an ok day today I still feel on the verge of tears, and the last thing I want to do is lose it in front of the kids. The head has been great and says take all the time I need so I don't feel any pressure to go back, usually the pressure would come from me, but I am being totally selfish this time. I need to get back healthy so I can think about starting ttc again. That is my main priority after I've dealt with this. Is it wrong that I want to jump straight back into it?

Sarah xx


----------



## indekiwi

Sarah, only just seen that you've lost your dot - I don't have any words that will hit the mark, but am thinking of you, sending      and thinking the idea of your shooting star tattoo is a wonderful memorial.  


A-Mx


----------



## smc81

Thank you A-M, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. But I have never felt pain like this.
S xx


----------



## indekiwi

Sarah,        Please call someone to come over and be with you lovely, even if you need to tell them they're not to say a word all evening in case they say the wrong thing.  


A-Mx


----------



## smc81

Everyone is busy tonight. But I'm ok x


----------



## Betty-Boo

Sarah        Take very good care and take time honey.


We all heal at our own pace - don't feel forced to feel things if you're not there yet.  Numbness is how I felt for quite some time.


Take very good care


Tis xx


----------



## smc81

Thank you Tis, sometimes I think I'm ok for a bit then I just burst into tears. I get this sudden realisation - my baby is gone. I worked out today that I was only pregnant (or at least I thought I was) for 3 weeks but it feels like it was so much longer.
I don't know if I will ever get back to being me again. I can only hope that it will hurt a little less as time goes on.

I never realised just how much a miscarriage can break you.
sending hugs to anyone else suffering.

Sarah xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Sarah - you will get you back, honestly, believe me - we each reach there at our own pace though.  Please never be afraid to ask for help - in which ever form.  


I thought I was coping - whereas my close friends will tell you I was a total fruitloop!  I couldn't even talk to my parents and was so angry towards everyone.  It's all part of the healing process.  I did ask for help in the end and for the first time in ages, am feeling like I'm getting me back.  Part of me will always feel like its missing - but you will get there and you do cope - but don't rush the process, sometimes we need to feel the raw pain in order to heal.  I wish we didn't.  


Take all the time you need to heal.  Work smurk - will still be there.


    Tis xx


----------



## smc81

I can't even think about work yet. The thought of seeing all those people terrifies me. I was racked with nerves just going to the garden centre today.
I've got tickets to watch strictly come dancing being filmed next Saturday and even though I totally love it and really want to go, I don't think I'm up to all the standing around and queuing and being surrounded by so many people. The slightest thing could set me off in uncontrollable sobbing. It's a week away so I'll see how I feel but I'm still so anxious.

My friends have really disappointed me. Even now, 5 days on, I've had only 2 people come to see me, and I've had messages where they moan about work etc and don't even ask how I am. I suppose this will stay with me forever, but for other people its old news by now. I'm so glad that I've learnt to rely on myself only. In the end, I'm the only person I know won't let me down. It's sad and a bit lonely, but its true.

S xx


----------



## Diesy

Hi Sarah, 

Sorry to hear your news    It's rubbish but I think it's hard for people to understand if they haven't been there themselves.  It may have taken me more than 10 years to come to that conclusion.  It's really hard going.  Take comfort from your FF friends and other people you feel understand.  Be very careful with yourself and stressful situations like you were saying about Strictly, best to ease yourself back in little by little when you feel a bit more ready.  If it's easier, when you feel more ready to go back to work, you could consider going back towards the end of a week, then you only need to get through a day or so before the weekend.  It can be overwhelming but it will get easier.

Take care and don't be a stranger - Diesy xx


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## smc81

Thanks Diesy, some good advice that I will take. I think Strictly Will be too much for me, it's not like I can just leave and go home if it all gets too much like I can at a smaller situation.

I've got my little memorial plant, it's not what I was planning to get but a lovely lady at the garden centre helped me. It's an evergreen shrub that flowers in May/June (would have been when I was due). It's got pale lemon leaves and has white flowers, and the sun shines through a gap between the houses right on Te spot I'll be planting it. I'm going to be doing it tomorrow, seeing as it's National Pregnancy and Infant loss day (American I know, but I think we should also recognise it).

When I go back to work, it will most probably be mid week, and we only have 2 weeks left until half term, so I will probably do a couple of days and then have a week off anyway so I can ease back into it. I don't even feel guilty about not being there like I have done before when I've had time off, which isn't often anyway, I'm normally one of those that just getson with it. But I'm having trouble even caring at all about work. I'm slightly concerned that when I go back I'll be so apathetic towards my job I'll end up getting the sack!

I'm feeling a bit lower today than yesterday. I think it's because tomorrow I have to go back to the clinic for another blood test, that place just makes me feel cold now. Before, it was a place of hope, even when I was getting bfns, now all I can think about is that moment when they told me my baby was gone. And I have to go to the doctors for a sick note for work, and I'll have to say those words to the doctor - I've miscarried. I hate saying it out loud, it doesn't matter how I word it, it just sticks in my throat.
People keep sending me messages, like stay strong, because usually I am, I can deal with just about anything, but this time I don't want to be strong, I'm tired. But there's no one to be strong for me. When I started this out alone, I didn't even consider having to do this bit, I didn't ever think I'd have to go through something as horrendous as this. I was so naive back then.

Sarah x


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## Diesy

Hi Sarah,

Sorry you are feeling so low, it's horrible but in a way necessary      I just wanted to say don't feel pressured into sweeping it all under the carpet because everyone else is uncomfortable, it needs to get dealt with and you are fantastic for doing it!  Hold your ground, do your thing, listen to yourself while you can still hear that and then you can move forward when you are ready.  This is your time and if friends don't understand well that's okay as long as you put you first.  

You are probably feeling a bit more down because it's a step forward.  Plus dealing with the clinic and the GP are a drag too.  Lots of virtual   to get through that.  Treat yourself to something you like doing, watching a movie or something.  Glad you have a break from work soon after you go back.  The good thing about teaching is that it is consuming, once you are little less raw you will manage fine with it.  
 Your flowering plant sounds lovely. 
Diesy xx


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## smc81

I was doing ok until a couple of hours ago. Today I gave mainly felt angry at my friends lack of support and some of their insensitive comments. I went to my parents for dinner, they started asking what do I want for Xmas. What I wanted to say was 'I want my baby back' but I also wanted to say I don't care about Christmas, I thought I was spending this Christmas pregnant, the last Christmas without my baby, now I just want to roll up into a ball and let the whole thing pass me by. So all the way home I was in tears, I keep getting so angry at everything. Then a male friend rang - he went through miscarriage with his ex wife a few years ago. He told it was 'very sad', that I need to find something new to focus on, like maybe my career - that's one of the reasons why I'm trying to have a baby alone, for 10 years I focused on my career. 

It's my own fault for thinking that I could speak to him. I'm tired of being strong and giving the usual, I'm ok response. I still can't get over the fact that my best friend of 10 years hasn't even bothered to come and see me. I feel like I'm going through hell but to everyone else it's a minor inconvenience. I'm just feeling rage at the moment but have no outlet. I don't want to say anything to anyone cos I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but also if I start talking to any of them about it I'm afraid I won't be able to stop and I'll end up saying something I'll regret. 
I just feel so alone.
S x


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## Betty-Boo

seriously honey - go see your GP and explain everything you are feeling. Anger, frustration is all part of that healing process. It is all still very early days and you're being quite hard on yourself   

Sometimes our friends need a wee kick up the  to let them know we need them. I was very angry towards mine - angry that they didn't understand or seem to care. the truth of it was that I'd put on a strong face and say "I'm fine" - although my voice clearly showed I wasn't. I didn't let them in, even though I so wanted too. I pushed them away and its not until now that I can see that. I was so angry that they didn't understand. They do want to be there for you - but miscarriage is something we just don't talk about and they probably honestly don't know what to say. 
My parents asked about Christmas - think it was their way of coping. They were heart broken too. Mum was with me at the time and came into hospital with me too. She wanted someone to talk too but I was too angry to talk to her.

Perhaps ask to meet a friend in town - for a coffee - neutral territory. Might help?
Write down what you're feeling if that helps too.

This board helped me so much:

*Pregnancy Loss ~ *Click Here

   Tis x


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## smc81

I'm going to see my gp tomorrow and she's great so I can go over everything with her.

As for my friends, I can't even think of one that I would want to talk to now. They all have husbands and kids and I just don't think I can relate to any of them, even more than before. My neighbour who went through miscarriage, I thought would understand but she has been the worst. It's as if everyone thinks I should be over it now. My friend earlier on the phone made out as if it doesn't really matter because 'it wasn't even a baby yet' I told him to me it was, and all he said was hmmm maybe. How can people not understand that i had planned out our whole future in those short weeks, that id thought of everything. i have lost a child. Maybe I need to go away for a few days. 
S xx


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## Betty-Boo

Talk to us - that's what we're here for      sometimes, friends and family are just that wee bit too close.


I took myself off for a few days - went and explored Cornwall - helped clear my head.  I also took up pottery and painting at an evening class.  
But it is still so early in the grieving process honey, you never get over a miscarriage, but you do learn to cope, honestly.


  Tis xx


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## smc81

Thanks Tis, I'm so glad I have all you lovely ladies on here. I have no idea what I'd do without you.
It's half term in a couple of weeks, maybe I'll book somewhere for a couple of days. Somewhere I can do lots of walking.

S xx


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## Lou-Ann

Sarah, so sorry to see that you have lost your little one     . It's true that no-one knows how it feels unless they have been there. The  only 'friend' (I now use that term very loosely) that knew I had mc'd didn't once phone or even text to see if I was ok, and has since commented that it is in the past and should be forgotten. You will never forget, but it will get easier to cope with. Be kind to yourself, do just whatever you feel like doing (or not) and take your time to grieve. 

Big      

Lou-Ann x


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## Fraggles

S

So sorry to hear of your loss. I was one who never truly understood as I hadn't been through it I tried to and knew it would be heartbreaking but think unless you have been in that actual situation people don't fully get it and then some people react differently to others. I think others are really uncomfortable too and just don't know how to support you or what to say. ((( )))

I heard a woman talk yesterday who went through a miscarriage at 8 weeks and then carried to full term and through hospital blunders her darling son died during an emergency c section. I feel truly thankful she had the strength to share her experience and raw emotions. I was in floods of tears and sobbing. I felt some of what she went through and it will never leave me. I share this because she is a hope coach and also supports other bereaved parents (including via email or skype if not local to her) her website is http://www.finleysfootprints.com/home-2/about-mel-scott/. She may or may not be something that you are interested in but wanted to share her with you just in case it might help.

S am so so sorry for your loss. xxx

/links


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## ♥JJ1♥

Join the international Wave of Light

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. We would like to invite you to take part in the global 'Wave of Light'. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to join us in remembering all babies that have died during pregnancy, at, during or after birth.
This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space. Wherever you do this, you will be joining a global wave of light in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time.


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## cocochanel1

Sarah, hugs honey. So sorry for your loss. People who haven't experienced such pain just have no idea how to relate. Tis is right encouraging you to lean on the boards here at ff. the girls here have a wealth of experience and compassion. It will get easier in time but it's early days and you need to let yourself grieve. 
Your plant sounds beautiful, a lovely gesture. I'm glad the lady at the garden centre was so helpful. 

Have you tried writing down how you feel? That can help. Also just tell family and close friends how you feel. Don't wait for them to work it out just say what you feel or need. Sometimes those closest to us are unable to give us what we need as they all have their own 'programmes' going on. 

Fresh air and being outside for walks etc also help. 

We are here for you and you will get your baby in time. Keep going. 

Coco xxx


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## Tommi

Sarah - so sorry to hear you're suffering. It is so hard for people to relate to it. I think also that it is such a personal thing and our response to it is so individual. A friend of mine who has had a miscarriage was so dismissive of it, saying it was no big deal. I had to really try to work out why she had so little empathy (and continues to have - really staying away). I decided that if her "support" wasn't that supportive I should just lie low for a while and that has worked for me. I wondered if she maybe hadn't dealt with it in herself so couldn't see it mirrored in me. 

I think the anger you feel is really healthy. I have only had a few moments of anger and in a way that worries me. But the way you are feeling will pass. Everything does. And you get to a point where it doesn't have the same power and energy. Like Lou-Ann said, it's not something you get over, but you do start to handle it differently. I am 2 months on now and although I still have a cry each day, aspects that I found unbearable to think about are much easier now. I can definitely sense that I am shifting myself through grief slowly but surely. A major blip for me was having a period. Hormones were all over the place and I was very tearful. Just in case that happens for you... a little gentle warning! But I'm now a week on from that and feeling more in balance.

I'll be joining in the wave of light this evening. I think remembrance is so important, however painful it is.

Thinking of you Sarah - and all the other mummies who have lost their little ones, however small they were  

Txx


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## smc81

I think I shall do the same and just keep a low profile. As much as I understand my friends don't know what to say to me, at the se time I think if they were to just show some support by coming round, talking to me about anything else to distract me then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. They all know that I live alone, that I am by myself in this, maybe my way of being a friend is different to theirs. I just know I don't have the energy to consider their feelings at the moment, I'm struggling to keep a handle of my own.

I have my candle ready for tonight's wave of light, I'm so pleased that something is being done to remember our lost little ones.
Sending love to everyone remembering today xx


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## Diesy

Sarah


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## smc81

Well the bit I was dreading today is over.
Went for blood test at the clinic - I used to walk into that place feeling such hope, even when things weren't going well, but now I just feel failure and despair when I go in. Luckily the nurses have been great and abase red all my questions and been really understanding.

Second was going to see my gp, I burst into tears as I told her what happened and she had a cry with me - I've known her since I was 15 and my mum works there too. We had a big long chat and even though I don't feel better as such I do feel that's a hurdle I've jumped. Next step - waiting for blood results to check levels are still falling.

Love and hugs to all xxx


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## jenjen1

Sarah, just popped in to say it does get better. There will come a day when you don't cry first thing and you can take public transport without bursting into tears. You probably can't envisage that now but if I can do it, you most definitely can.
It will be hard for you to hear now but one thing you have is time on your side, something I did and do not. Take some solace in that. time does help heal and you can use it to recover, as you have it in abundance. I had to rush my recovery. you don't. don't be afraid to ask for help. I did. My GP referred me immediately to a counsellor and it helped so much just to vent and cry at her. 

I have my candle and I will be lighting it at 7. 

Big hugs to everyone

Jen xx


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## Fraggles

I will be joining the wave of light and want to send group hugs all round ((())) xxx to all of you.

I sometimes wonder if some friends who may not have experienced loss stay away as if they haven't been through what you have or already have children feel guilty that they have and you haven't. Sometimes people are ignorant and aren't intentionally selfish or unsupportive but they assume they should give you time and don't get in touch and sometimes we need to come right out and tell them how we are feeling and how we need them to support us. Us Humans can be rather dim at times.

Lots of love and light xxxxx


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## smc81

Sending lots of  to all those that need it tonight.
My candle is burning in the window.
It was this time last week I found out I had lost my little dot. I thought time was passing slowly but I can't believe it's been a week already.

Sarah xx


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## Rose39

Huge hugs to everyone who is lighting their candle tonight     

I had some friends who just stayed away and didn't email me after my missed miscarriage because they didn't know what to say and were afraid of saying the wrong thing, even though they knew I'd just been in hospital for the ERPC. I think that just saying something from the heart, even if it doesn't come out quite right, is better than not saying anything at all, as it shows that you care and that you are being supportive - but it takes a brave friend to do the right thing when it isn't easy to find the words and unfortunately not all friends are brave.

Sarah - it's a cliche, but time is a good healer ..... you never forget, and the anniversaries are always in the back of your mind, but the pain gets a little less raw day by day and it does become easier to cope.       

Rose xx


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## greatgazza

Hugs to all   

My candle is burning on the mantlepiece.

GGx


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## ♥JJ1♥

my candle is burning too


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## Tommi

Hello ladies  

Thinking of you all. My candle is burning. 

Txx


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## Betty-Boo

Massive       all round.  


Take very good care


Tis xx


Sleep tight all our precious angel's


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## greatgazza

i don't want my candle to go out....  

GGx


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## Fraggles

GG (())


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## ♥JJ1♥

i left my candle on when I went out- by accident- but it was still burning bright when i got home, and i felt sad blowing it out.
L x


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## smc81

JJ1 I did the same thing. Blowing it out before I went to bed felt like saying goodbye.

Is it bad that I'm thinking about beginning treatment again as soon as physically possible? I just need to wait for my next period then I'm going to do another IUI before moving on to ivf. I should be able to get IUI in before Xmas.
I do feel a bit like I'm betraying my baby that I lost though. Does that sound crazy?

Sarah x


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## Grace10704

Sarah    and not crazy at all.  I totally undestand the wish to get straight back into treatment to try to get to success again and it is so far from a betrayal of your little bean.  If anything I see it as an honour to the one you lost that you want to go for another again - it shows how much you already loved the little one to try to get to that happy place agaiin (not sure that makes sense but certainly for me having my two beautiful kids was never a betrayal of my 2 angels I lost but rather adding to our family - only I know there would be 2 kids older than the ones I have in bed upstairs but they are stil a part of my family in my heart).
The only thing I would say is to be careful you are ready for treatment in case you had a BFN.  Of course I am sending lots of good vibes that this woulnd't happen but I think you have to be ready for that possibility just on the basis of the law of averages and you don't want to be in a vulnerable emotional state that would make a BFN even more sad than it needs to be.  Only you know when you will be ready though so if you feel you can do it, go for it & hope your little bean is looking down from wherever little beans go and looking after you xxxx


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## smc81

You are totally right Grace, I have thought about how I would feel if I got a bfn, which I know us highly likely. I kind if feel like I need to get it done, I'm already plz by to have ivf after Xmas if this IUI doesn't work so I know it will most probably not be good news. I know I still have a good few weeks before I can even start treatment so I have a bit more time still.

I just know that I can't give up 
Sarah xx


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## Tommi

How are you feeling Sarah?


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## smc81

Hi Tommi
Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was an easier one until I went to bed and got thinking about how awful I've been to my mum and dad, they've done nothing other than try to be supportive and I have totally shut them out, forgetting that they have lost what they always wanted too. I need to go and see them tomorrow hopefully. I just find it so hard to open up to people, them more than anyone - I think it's because my mum wants me to so much.

I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I feel so torn about it. I know I need to go back and get some sort of normality and routine back in my life. I need to get out of this bubble I've made for myself. I hate going out, yesterday I went to my local town centre and I couldn't stop shaking and thinking that everyone was looking at me. I've never been like this before and I hate it. I'm dreading all the questions tomorrow, but I only have to do 2 days then it's half term. The slightest thing can upset me so I just don't know what to expect.
For the last 2 weeks life has carried on for everyone else and my world has kind of stopped, and going back to work means that I have to move on from what's happened and get back into the real world outside my bubble. I know I have to do it, but the last time I was part of that world I was pregnant, even though hardly anyone knew, but now I'm not. Everytime I think about it all I just start crying again. But I have to make myself do this because if I don't I'm not sure I'll ever leave the house again!

How are you Hoping everyone is ok and sending lots of        

Sarah xx


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## Diesy

Good luck getting back to work tomorrow Sarah.  It will be hard but once that first morning is over it will be easier.  I think arriving is the worst, maybe getting in a bit earlier than everyone else will make it easier, then you'll have got in and be a bit settled before you see everyone.  I know your a teacher, you'll be surprised at how little the kids will notice something isn't quite right.  And remember, you don't need to tell/talk about anything you don't want to.  Anything that gets you through the day.
Big   xx


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## smc81

Thanks Diesy. I'm not too worried about the kids - they probably won't even notice that I've been gone, they usually pay no attention to me anyway! It's the staff and their gossip. My friend just called and said that someone in out faculty has been asking questions and even though she told her to mind her own business and that I didn't want to talk about it, she took a guess that I had miscarried. I just hate that people are seeing my pain as idle gossip. I know it's bound to happen, but I know there are some really tactless people that will just drill me for info. I'll tell them that it's private and I don't want to talk about it, but I'm worried that even the questions will upset me. The thought of having to move on upsets me as it is. I just don't want to have a melt down in front of anyone. Even just thinking about work makes me feel sick.

Sarah x


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## suitcase of dreams

sending some   Sarah - hope tomorrow is not as bad as you fear
I found returning to work after the m/c and ERPC was in some ways a good thing as it did force me to think about something other than what I had just been through
And fortunately I work with a bunch of middle aged men, none of whom would dream of asking questions - my boss didn't even know what had happened although I did tell one male colleague who was also a good friend and I'm guessing he took care of any gossip if there was any - certainly no one said anything to my face at all, it was just business as usual which made things easier
Anyway, hope it goes OK, at least it's only 2 days and then you have half term 
take care
Suitcase
x


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## Tommi

Sarah I hope it all goes well tomorrow. Schools can be strange places - so much gossip! I hope you can find a little quiet space before the day begins. Half term soon!
I have found working a great help and it has given me a sense of achievement after what felt like a failure. I hope it works well for you too.  
 
Txx


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## smc81

Tommi I wish I could say that I will find work a good distraction in the same way, just before I went off we had a faculty review and we got slammed, as I did personally, unreasonably I think, so I doubt I will be feeling any achievement at work at all. In fact, all I feel at the moment in every part of my life is failure. I thought things were going badly before I miscarried, then I hit rock bottom. I'd like to say the only way is up, but I thought that before as well.

i just need to say that I am not normally such a negative person...but I do sound like the voice of doom at the moment.

Anyway, maybe tomorrow will be ok. Any gossip, I will just raise my force field and walk away!

Thanks for all of your good wishes, sending out lots of hugs to everyone xx


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## upsydaisy

smc81 -                     
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, I'm so sick of seeing dedicated and amazing teachers treated like   by the   in charge    .  You've been through so much  .  There will be a way up and there will be a way out.  Just keep your eyes on the prize and don't let the b******ds grind you down  .  
Love Upsyxxx


Hugs to Tommi as well  Hope your OK


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## smc81

Thanks Upsy   
It is getting very political at work. And we are due an ofsted which I could really do without. Saying that, going through all of this has out things into perspective and I don't feel the same sense of having to be perfect at work that I did before. At the end of the day it is just a job and there are bigger things to be concerned about. 

My new mantra this week - 'It's just 2 days, it's just 2 days'

Sarah xx


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## Tommi

Sorry to hear that Sarah. It makes me so angry when reviews and inspections leave people feeling like that. It's much more about the quality of leadership than it is about individual teachers. Effective leaders will leave staff feeling encouraged whatever they have to tell them.

I'm really sorry I used the word "failure" - I felt like I had failed at the time but actually it's absolutely nothing to do with failure. We hit rock bottom because we are grieving. You don't sound negative. You've just been through a lot   Surround yourself with these for tomorrow!           

Txx

Upsy our posts crossed. I'm doing OK thanks. Trying to decide what my next steps will be. I think I'll be making a trip to Athens! Hope all's good with you


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## upsydaisy

smc18 - you've pinched my mantra   
Tommi - good luck with Athens I've heard some great things about that clinic.
Upsyxxx


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## some1

Sarah - only just seen your sad news, so sorry to read of your loss - am thinking of you   

Some1
xx


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## Tommi

Half term Sarah!   I hope the last few days went ok. Have a really relaxing weekend.
Txx


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## smc81

Well I survived it! Work was ok, kids were great, staff were nosy. Yesterday with the kids was better than today which was training day - too much time to think. I've got a session with the counsellor on Tuesday which I think I need. I spoke to her on the phone today and it was good to be able to talk to someone. It made me realise how much I've been keeping in. Talking about it really upset me so I think that means I need to talk  about it more. I'm so used to keeping things on but I can't do that with this.

My friends are trying to make me move on in various ways but it just makes me want to avoid them. My friends I know from school who all have kids have only one topic of conversation - their kids - and they want to get together next week. I can't face it. How can I sit there and listen to them all? My so called best friend who hasn't even been to see me, or even rang me has text today asking about getting together at Xmas - with her kids, which is so sensitive but at least I'll have seen her just 2 months after my miscarriage. I'm so bitter about it.
Sarah x


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## Tommi

Hello Ladies  

Sarah - how are you doing?

Did anyone go to the Saying Goodbye event at St Paul's yesterday? I did. Wept my way through it but I thought it was excellent. There was an opportunity to light candles and it was incredible to see so many flames dancing in the evening light. It's such a beautiful building and the words that were said were a really positive affirmation that all these babies had lived, if only for a brief time, and their lives were worth honouring. There was a lot of hope in what was said too. It definitely helped me feel better. I will never forget the image of all those hundreds of flames flickering in that gentle light. So much grief for everyone there but definitely a sense of solidarity at sharing it with so many.  

Txx


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## greatgazza

Sounds beautiful Tommi, has brought a tear to my eye.  Glad it was worth going, I think anything cathartic can help.

GGx


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## indekiwi

Tommi,     Glad you found comfort in the service.


A-Mx


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## Damelottie

Oh it sounds lovely Tommi xxxx


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## wizard

My darling


Three years ago today since your strong, beautiful little heart stopped beating. Right now it feels like yesterday.  I will never forget that moment. I can only hope it caused you no pain. 


Mummy xxx


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## greatgazza

Wizard


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## suitcase of dreams

oh hun, I hadn't realised
sending big    your way
Suitcase
x


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## Rose39

Wizard - thinking of you and sending big hugs        .

Rose xx


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## Tommi

Thinking of you Wizard  
Txx


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## aimless1

Wizard - i am thinking of you and Louis.  I am not far off due with my baby boy now and find myself thinking often of my little Alice  particularly as I get asked so often if this is my first baby.  A xx


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## lulumead

Wizard, sending love and      for you and Louis.


Aimless:    too for Alice.  I try really hard not to ask that question of people as I have friends who have lost babies and I know its a really tough one to answer.
xx


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## indekiwi

Twinkle twinkle little star...shedding a tear for you Louis, and for your mummy and little brother. 

A-Mx


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## smilingandwishing

Wizard - thinking of Hun and sending love.
To you too Aimless - massive hugs

Smiling xx


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## ♥JJ1♥

Wizard thinking of you and remembering Louis.  XXX


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## wizard

My little treasure 


3 years since I held your warm, fragile little body in my arms.  I am still desperate to hold you once more; not the passing of time nor your little brother seem to change that overwhelming desire. I went to the crematorium today. Although it's not the anniversary of your funeral, it's a place I think of often and I have not been back there since that day. For the first time I managed to let off a balloon for you. I watched it drift over the trees above (I had hoped it might go towards the forest but the wind had other ideas) until it disappeared into the grey cloud. My sweetheart, as the ballon said, I love you.  


Forever wrapped tightly in my heart
Mummy xxxxx


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## wizard

Thank you all for your lovely words and kind thoughts. 3 years ago many of you were a wonderful source of support at such an unbearable time and I never forget that. 


Aimless, good luck and I hope all goes smoothly. 


Wizard x


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## Elpida

Wizard 


Tried to write something but there are no words. Sending lots of   


El x x


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## RichmondLass

Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Rlx


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## morrigan

Thinking of those mummys to angels today  xx


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