# Unsupportive husband... not sure what to do.



## na123

I am fresh from a argument so my blood is boiling and hopefully you won't mind this rant.    My DH is generally a decent guy but he has been very unsupportive in this IVF journey and can sometimes be so cruel, while other times I feel like he is purposely trying to sabotage the process the ensure it doesn't result in a pregnancy (he's not that keen on kids as it's a responsibility and all he wants to do is holiday whenever he wants and this would get in the way).

DH has not really been involved in the IVF process and couldn't really tell you the stages if you asked him now.  He will show up on key dates, but outside of that he's very uninvolved.  On ET day, as we are preparing to go to the clinic he has a massive melt down basically flipping out saying what are we doing, and do we really want this and if I do get pregnant it's something we can't really give back?!!!!?  I mean really?  This is a time when I am suppose to be really calm and he's being like this.  Then as we are in the waiting room and DH is looking at some stats displayed about success for BFP on ET, he makes a comment that the percentages are scarily high??!!!

After ET, the dr specifically tells me that i need to stay lying down for 25 min (even though I had to wee - sorry TMI).  So I kept asking him about the time as I was about to burst and for some reason the time seem to be going a bit too quickly and so I ask him to see the the time and he was speeding it up, because he stated he just wanted to go home.   How hard is it to just wait another few minutes after what I have been through so far?

When we get home he's cold towards me for the next few days and actually tries to start an argument during a time where I am suppose to be as calm as possible to have the best chance of implantation.  I was in tears for a good part of my 2ww and feel like this is not given the embryo the best chance and I really resent DH for this.

I really don't know what to do and as we have not told almost anyone about the difficulties we have been having with fertility, I feel very isolated and alone.  I am not sure we are going to make it through this. Has anyone gone through something similar? xx


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## poppy12

Arghhhh men!  Seriously they are a different species!  My lovely husband tries most of the time to be supportive but I have to reach breakdown before he actually talks to me.  Effectively, my husband fidns he stress I go through difficult and particularly as he cna't do anything practical to help.  He just doens't get the idea of emotional support and containment ... but that's just th way it is and so rather than batlting i'm trying to understnad.  Heov,er at ET stage they need to support us!  I hope you find a way forward together and rest assured others are going through the same .. and it comes from a place of anxiety for the men (that's my theory anyway!).  good luck wiht your cylce! x


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## Sharpey

So sorry Na123 that you feel so unsupported by DH   It's a difficult time for you both and a lot of guys find it hard to open up about how they truly feel about it all. Did you have the counselling? My DH is generally supportive but always acts like a total whiney grump (usually about work) for some reason on ET day the last few times. So much so, I am thinking about having a little word now before we start our tx. As you say, not helpful at all especially when everyone is telling you that the most important it is to be relaxed because it makes you super stressed that you aren't calm. Very hard with all those bonkers hormones going on to boot. Are you in your 2 ww still? If it's any consolation, my consultant says, relax sit down for 15-20 mins but it doesn't really matter (DH a pixey for telling porkies though)
X


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## na123

Thanks Sharpey and poppy12.  I am in my 2ww (testing on Saturday, but chances are not that high) and I guess I just don't understand the behaviour.  I always thought that when you love someone, and you see them going through a difficult time with all the tests/needles/ etc, even if you have your own issues, you pull it together and help the other person get through it.  Well maybe that's only how women work, and as you say that men can be different.  We haven't had counselling yet but I do think that might be the next step if our relationship is to survive.  I have so much resentment for him at this point that I'm not sure I can move past it.


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## poppy12

Remember it's probably more about him than his feelings for you.  We also ahven't told many people and rely on each other for support and I too have tohught about talking to someone professional just as an opportunity to express all the complex feelings connect to the bumpy ride that is IVF! x


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## Sharpey

It's free to have a counselling session at our clinic with every IVF, do you have that? It was somehow easier when it was 'recommended' and at the clinic too. Sort of part of the journey. I don't think I would have persuaded him to go to somewhere independent! Just try and relax now and put it behind you till you test. People get pregnant in all sorts of difficult circumstances so just because you've been upset doesn't mean that it won't have worked     I think my DH acts like a bit of a **** because he worries about all I am going through like Poppy says.


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## na123

Thanks Sharpey and poppy12.  I have seen something on the clinic's website about counselling, but its never been mentioned to me and I haven't ask.  I will definitely look into it.  I am praying it will work but trying not to get my hopes up too much.    xx


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## Sharpey

Good luck with the counselling Na123 and with your OTD on Saturday   I hope DH sorts himself out and that you get a BFP    
X


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## Lou101

Hi Na123

Good luck for you OTD on Saturday. I'm sure the stress won't affect anything but I know it's hard to believe that. 

Sorry to hear your husband is acting in this way. I think some men (mine included) can't deal with the stress of Ivf. I wonder if it's because they can't fix it and it's something they have no control over. That by no means excuses his behavior as I agree with you, he should be taking care of you right now. It's funny, we do the injections, egg collection, transfer but somehow they are the ones who end up stressed out. How is this possible?

Your husband sounds very much like mine so I'm sorry I can't offer any advice as I have no answers. I really wish I did. Just wanted to reply so you know you are not alone with this issue xx


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## na123

Hi Lou101 - Thank you so much.  I actually thought that my husband was the only one that was behaving like this because every time I was in the clinic I would see some very sweet husbands, and even on EC and ET days I would hear loving husbands  speaking to their wives in the recovery beds next to mine.  I am sorry to hear your husband, as well as others, are acting this way but it does give me some comfort to know I am not alone. xx

Sharpey - Thank you! xx


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## Cay23

Hi na123,

I read your post yesterday and last night I told my hubby about it. He said that he thinks your DH has been hit with the realistic possibility that you might actually have a baby! He said in a mans view while you're 'trying', a baby is way out there, in the distance and seems unreal. Once you get to ET stage, it hits you (as a man, because you haven't really had to do much to get to that point) that becoming pregnant is actually a real possibility. Because he hasn't had to do the injections, have all the hormones etc, and because a lot of men don't tend to think on these things, he's not had to think too much about the consequences of IVF until now. His advice was just to ignore your DH and get on with it. He said if you give him time hopefully he'll come around. Good luck tomorrow  

xx


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## OrangeBiscotti

Sort of similar situation here. But the root of the problem is he doesn't want children. It's not probably because he's stressing about IVF. You both need to talk it out and make sure both sides agree to going through with it. 

My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship and him being in his late 40s, he doesn't/didn't want any more children. He is at a stage of his life where he wants to relax and not worry about babies, nappies, childcare, money etc and do more of travelling, fine dining etc.

While I'm a very fiery and confrontational, he's very calm even when we are arguing. We had a very emotional talk and I explained that although I understand why he doesn't want children, I have this irrational desire of wanting children. After all, why ruin your body, put a giant hole in your bank account, give up a laid-back life style to have children! In the end I said I don't want to have children if he doesn't want them, as it is not fair for any children of ours not be loved and wanted by both parents. Of course, this rational talk is all well and good until your emotions kick in at very odd times. After probably long couple of weeks of very sad, emotional battle, he said he hates seeing me so sad. Mind you I've been wanting and we've been talking about it for over 2 years but I think I was well upset at the thought of never having a chance to have my own children. He hasn't seen me that depressed before and avoiding him.

So long story short, we had a talk and he said he doesn't want to lose me, no matter what. So we decided to give it a shot. He's making peace with the idea, we even joke about having twins or triplets. He semi-seriously grimmace at the idea but he's on board.

I must say it was definetely a trying time for both of us. It is easy to love someone when everything is hunky dory. It's times like this that really test your relationship. And I do love him and appreciate him more than ever because he's doing this for me.

We're still at the beginning of this malarkey - my treatment doesn't start until January and it'll be a natural cycle due to my AMH being <1.2 p/mol (as of last year!). 

I know it's easier said than done as it has taken us 2 years to sort our differences in opinion, but communication is definetely the key to keeping both of you sane and maintaining your relationship.

Best of luck hun xx


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## goldbunny

my dh won't deal with anything ahead of time. he never hypothesises or thinks 'what if?' everything for him is in the here and now. i (like i expect many many other women) have been planning my children, imagining conversations with them, stuff like that, since i was old enough to hold a doll. i don't understand why he's never even thought about stuff like that, but he hasn't. so in a way he has a lot of catching up to do. i have (in a way) been a mum since i knew what one was. he'll be a dad if baby puts in an appearance, and not before. men are freaks and aliens. there is no hope to fathom how their minds work. we just have to smile and get on with it.


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## na123

*Hi Cay23* - I think you are absolutely right. I think DH just didn't think it would get to that point and the realities didn't hit him until we were going for the ET. I guess I expected more from him as he had the same reaction the first time we tried IUI. He was in the room with me and after transfer, the dr left the room and told me to relax and DH had a melt down so I guess I thought he wouldn't pull the same thing again give that this time with IVF, I went through a lot more. I am hoping that if we go through the IVF process again, he will not behave the same way. Thank you so much for the well wishes. xx

*Hi OrangeBiscotti* - We have been trying for a few years as well, both natural and 3 rounds of failed IUI. We have spoken about it over the years and DH is still not really on-board with having kids (for the same reasons you noted below), but similar to your situation, he realises how upset/ depressed I have been and so willing to give it a try for me. This is our first round of IVF and I too just went through natural IVF as I have an AMH of 1.8 and been given a chance of success of 10% (let me know if you have any questions at all about natural IVF). I thought that I would give natural IVF at least 3 tries to see what happens. Thank you so much and good luck with your cycle in January. xx

*Hi goldbunny *- My DH sounds very similar to your DH. He doesn't really plan/think of the future, which is the opposite of me. Also my DH is 2 years younger than I am (he's 37) and so he is not feeling any of the time pressures that I am feeling right now, and he does not have any fertility issues. Men do think very very differently than women it seems and I am trying to get on with it despite his behaviour because I don't want to have regrets later for not trying, but I just wish that I had more of his support at times. xx


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## staceysm

Hi,

I may waffle on a bit, but I just wanted to tell you about my DH and hopefully it will give you some hope.

When me and DH got married we agreed that we would have two children.  Of course we never in a million years believed that we would have fertility problems.

Basically we went for our first IVF treatment and it worked straight away. We were both in shock, as we never thought it would work first time.  DH was always supportive during treatment, but did say at times that he only went through with treatment because he didn't think it would work!  We were late thirties and had a good comfortable life.  We both worked, had nice holidays, hotel and weekend breaks.  

When DS was born, DH struggled massively and did for months.  In the first year there were at least 3 occasions when I told him I wanted to split up, because I didn't think he could cope with us as a family and may be he would be a better Dad just seeing him once every other weekend.  He basically said no way were we splitting and things did get a lot better.

Now for No.2.  DH was happy with just DS, but agreed to TTC naturally and see what happens.  2 tears later and nothing so my Dad very kindly said that he would pay for one final attempt for a sibling.

We went through the procedure and yet again we thought we couldn't be that lucky and Yes we were.  Well DH had a complete meltdown and said that he didn't want the baby and that he didn't want anymore children and that I told him that unless we went through treatment I would leave him!  This is a complete lie by the way.

Anyway I stayed at my Mum's for the weekend and come home and asked him what he wanted to do.  I told him that if he wanted to we could split and I would always let him be a father to the children.

We ended up having a good chat and all his fears came tumbling out.  We are now in the process of a selling our house and moving to be nearer my parents so that we can have more support.  We can also clear our debts from the excess funds from our house sale and when the children are older, I will have parents and my sister on hand to baby sit from time to time, so that me and DH can do things as a couple again.

A turning point I think was when we went for our 12 week scan.  DS was with us and DH just got my hand and squeezed it so tightly and just looked at me as if to say, we will be fine.

Good luck

X


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## na123

Thanks so much Staceysm.  Sounds like you had a very difficult time, but glad to hear that your DH is now being supportive.  I am hoping my DH will come around eventually. xx


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## Nosilab

Hi na123

Just wanted to you to know you're definitely not alone with this.  Every time we've started a new tx, and both times I've had ET, a couple of days before my DH has had a meltdown, which like you, hasn't helped my stress levels.  My DH, like yours, doesn't particularly want children (hence the meltdown each time!) but has gone along with it because he knows it's my dream.  But it's been incredibly hard work at every step of the way    I understand how you feel    How are things for you now?  Have you tested?

xxx


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