# The things people say!



## jaykay76

Hi, just thought I'd share some of the frankly out of touch comments that have driven me mad during my fertility journey!

"Are you going to try IVF?" From people who have no idea about the emotional rollercoaster that is fertility treatment, and see it as a quick fix.

"At least you can get pregnant" After losing two babies and 5 years of struggling with infertility.

"It will happen" How do they know?

And the worse in my opinion "You just need to relax" Grrrrr if only it was that easy!!

I know that these comments are borne out of sympathy and concern, and most people are well meaning. But sometimes, these they are difficult to take, and just make me feel more isolated, and that so many people just don't understand.  
Has anyone else had any comments like these, and if so how did you respond to them?

Baby dust to you all xx


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## babydreams09

The "it will happen" and the "you just need to relax" are my two personal favourites.


I have a friend who tried for 5 months to have a baby (crying every month when she got her period) - on the 5th month she didn't chart/temp and got pregnant.  She now feels qualified to tell anyone suffering from fertility problems to "just stop trying" and it will happen for them too.  She even classes herself as fertility challenged because she didn't get pregnant immediately.


When I was upset after my early m/c on my last cycle, she found it hard to understand why I'd be upset because I was so lucky to have my DD.  Of COURSE I'm eternally grateful to have my DD but that doesn't mean that I can't hope and dream about having another baby (even though she now has 2 children herself... but that's ok - she's allowed to hope for more as she can reproduce normally and it's not about "luck" for her)


   

Even thinking about it now makes my blood boil.  I'm sure I've got more to add but can't think past the above right now.


How I responded to the "just stop trying" is by saying... I've done the "no trying", i've done the "relaxing" and taking a break from TTC, I've done it all from doing nothing to temping until I had blisters under my tongue to standing on my head after sex.  IT DIDN'T WORK for me - we need medical help.  It's like a headache... yes, some headaches go away with relaxing and resting but migraines need medication.  It's not a one size fits all approach.


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## Moonshadow_73

I find it quite hard when people just 'why don't you just adopt'. I think adoption is a wonderful thing and I admire those who chose to, but it's not for everyone. My hb doesn't want to and I respect that. It also feels like that statement dismisses all the pain that infertility brings, as if there is an easy and obvious answer and I'm just too stupid to see it.

I also find it hard when people tell me to stay positive. I know it's well meant but after 6 years of trying and several failed cycles hope is in pretty short supply at the minute and it's hard to stay positive.

Phew, feel better after that mini rant!

Jen

ps - and yes, of one more person tells me to relax, or relates yet another story of how their friend/sister/hairdresser got pregnant once they stopped trying I may do something I regret!


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## staceysm

When I was TTC for 4 years before we went for IVF, my uncle asked me at a family party, was we doing it properly and then decided to go in to detail about how my aunt wrapped her legs around him at the crucial moment and how that month they conceived!  Yuk.

X


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## Ivfmamma

I've had someone say to me before 'you watch after all this ivf you'll fall naturally' 

P.s - I have no Fallopian tubes 

(I'd be rich if that happened hey!) 

Ignore, it's what I've learnt to do, drives you mental otherwise x


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## jaykay76

I've been asked whether we are 'doing it properly', why is it that when you are having difficultly conceiving, some people think it gives them the right to talk about your sex life. I've even have my mother in law suggest that I put my legs in the air after sex - excruciating!!


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## Caz

Moonshadow_73 said:


> I find it quite hard when people just 'why don't you just adopt'.


My GP (yes, of all people) said that to me as I sat in his surgery bawling my eyes out. He was writing me out a sicknote for time off due to miscarriage on my 2nd IVF cycle at the time. 

Thanks for starting this thread Jaykay. Many moons ago we had a similar thread (got lost somehow) so it's good to see it again. Some of the comments people say are... well they'd be hilarious if it wasn't so flipping tragic. 

C~x


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## nikki76

'Isnt she over it yet?' ..my MIL to my DH after my 1st miscarriage


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## nic32

I think this thread is great, we've all been there and having a bit of a giggle about some people's insane comments is probably good therapy!

I couldn't believe it when our last cycle failed and a family member said ...."well, you can't have everything"!?
WTF (excuse my language), we're not asking for the moon on a stick!  I think some people just feel the need to say something but it's really not necessary if that's all they have to say!

Another one was when my DH's best friend and his wife had twins, he knew exactly what we'd been going through but nevertheless thought it was ok to brag about his "super sperm" (which in his mind brought about the twins)...Moron!


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## Judi86

Everything happens for a reason Then don't be surprised when I slap you in the face.......it happened for a reason! Lol quite like that one! 

This thread is super, so many silly things I could share that have been said.  Yesterday my friend text a group text and informed me that her brother was expecting (don't really care)! So I replied congrats and she then asked "how are all your tests going, are they very intrusive?" Lol nutter tbh

Xxx


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## Ivfmamma

Nic - love the moon on a stick comment! x


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## Ivfmamma

The day after the hospital told me I'd most likely missed miscarried our ivf baby, my 'friend' rung, not really in the mood to talk I hurried her off the phone, just before I put the phone down she started seriously shouting at her 3yr old son, then she said ''one minute while I just drowned this little fuc***'' !!!!! 

He was in the bath & had wet the floor (oh no what a crime!) she then said you should stay childless !!! I said you evil cow! we haven't spoken since. (How bad is that what she said about her child!)

Another time whilst talking (few years ago this just after her baby was born) - she was on about him being born 2 weeks overdue, she said thank god he was born late couldnt have put up with him an extra 2 weeks!

Sometimes you wish they could be infertile dont you?! X


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## bambibaby12

You can't beat the "it will happen" & "just don't think about it" Really?? It's on my mind every minute of the day aggghh!
Love this thread & it's amazing how many of us have to deal with numpties on a daily basis....

Lol at the family members sex comments, if my MIL said anything like that I would die hahaaaaa


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## Smithy2

Hi ladies! 

one of my friends once told me (after getting pregnant in the first month, during her honeymoon- despite making it very clear she didn't want children) that the key was "having more sex" because that's what "did it for her"    needless to say I don't see her anymore!!

my mother in law came out with a classic! she told my husband that I should lay with my legs up after sex!!! cringe!!!  

it takes all sorts I suppose!

  to all


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## Nosilab

Hi ladies

I'm just reading a book and one of the phrases it has is "an infertility-insensitive world" how very true eh! 

Yep, I've also had the "just relax and it'll happen", "don't think about it too much and it'll happen", "you need to go on holiday and relax", "what you need is more sex!", "try putting your legs in the air after sex - it worked for me" and "well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be". One of the 'best' (and this was from a really lovely lady, bless her, she was only trying to comfort me...but...!!) "have you considered getting a dog?". Now don't get me wrong, I love love love animals and have cats/rabbits/bird - but seriously!! Does this woman (who has children of her own) really think that getting a dog will replace the need for a child?!?! C'mon, get real!! The latest one came from a friend who'd just spent the night in A&E with her little girl, and after several texts about it all she finally said "See! Some things are well avoided! I'd rather be up all night with fur balls!!"...right, so you'd rather have a cat than a daughter then would you?! I think not!

Phew, rant over! Thanks ladies 

Love "moon on a stick" comment, might use that one lol!

And also love


Judi86 said:


> Everything happens for a reason Then don't be surprised when I slap you in the face.......it happened for a reason!


 

Great thread jaykay, thanks for starting


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## Maisyz

Ah, it's not just me who's a moron magnet then. My personal favourite comments invariably come from the god squadder types who say things along the lines of "Babies are a blessing from God" - oh thanks for that then, presumably I'm the incarnation of Satan and not deserving of a child then. ANythng along the lines of "It just wasn't meant to be" etc is guarunteed to get me to boiling point as do the "I'll pray for you" comments, like that would help. I really do think we should have some sort of fine system, £1k per stupid comment from people, would stack up nicely for the next topay for the next set of treatment.

Hugs to all and hope you all manage a moron free day.


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## kandykane

yep, I've been on the receiving end of most of these. Plus so many more...'go on holiday', 'adopt and you'll get pregnant', 'is it because she's fat?' (from MIL to DH - I'm a size 16 and she knew our problem is MF), 'well it can't be male factor because your dad's not infertile so how can you be?' (again MIL to DH, and this woman's medically qualified!!) and the crashingly insensitive 'could you go out and sleep with someone else and get pregnant?' (from my auntie), when people with kids have said 'why don't you just adopt' I usually say 'why didn't you?' sometimes it just makes you want to scream! how moronic can people be??


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## Carrots12

Hi all

We really all surrounded by eejits aren't we?!

I had one woman (who was told about our fertility issues/treatment by a family member and not by us, but don't get me started on that rant....) say to us, when she was horribly drunk that it took her 12 years to have her son and that, and I quote, "Just shows if you want something enough it will eventually happen.”......................  So clearly going through tests and IVF still doesn't mean we want it 'enough'.  

I also had a work colleague say 'whatever you do, don't get pregnant over Christmas as its miserable'.  I would happily be pregnant at any time of year, stupid woman.  This was also the lady who thought that because her friends had fertility issues that she might too so thought she should try for a baby just in case.  Naturally she fell the first time she tried.


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## Ivfmamma

Some of these are hilarious!

My granny always reminds me that my grandad only had to take his trousers off & she was pregnant (sicko) lol why the heck would you even say that to an infertile that's what I don't get?!

My aunty also once said I had salpingitis (which is an infection in the tubes) I said oh bloody hell, to which she said didn't stop me having any of my kids though! (Well my infection in my tubes (hydrosalpinx) made me lose both of my tubes so were not all as lucky as you!!!!) 

I've had the whole adoption thing too.

I've even had a woman say she would have had a baby for me if she was younger (she was about 60) damn! why didn't i know you 40 years ago  

I'm off to buy us all a t-shirt 

'Currently in the process of ivf so ram your ridiculous comments up your ass or I won't be liable for my actions' 

Who wants one? 

lol x


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## Moonshadow_73

I'll order one of those t-shirts please IVFmamma - I really can't be held accountable for my actions when under the influence of IVF drugs. I wonder if you could argue temporary insanity in court?!

Re the adoption thing, what I find really upsetting is when people tell me they'd adopt if they couldn't have children because they wanted a child so much. I really get that, but because we're not going to adopt it doesn't mean we want a child any less.

Jen


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## nic32

I love love love the t-shirt idea... I think you're onto a winner there!

I know it's not entirely related to this post but I'd love a similar 'fingers to you' solution for some of those awful "To all you mothers out there" ******** status' that I seem to be inundated with these days. I can't quite think of the right wording but they annoy me sooooooo much! I just want to tell people to have a bit of sensitivity around these issues.

My best friend recently upset me on ********, it was just after our last cycle had failed. Don't get me wrong she has been incredibly supportive through all this but I'd been speaking to her on th phone and was obviously upset about the situation. Not 1/2 hour later she posted a picture of her 3 boys on ** with the title 'I'm so blessed'!?!! I was so upset, it was obviously a direct reaction to our conversion and yes she is so blessed but surely she can see how it might upset me... I've still not had the courage to pull her up about it because I know she didn't do it maliciously and don't want to fall out as she's been such a good friend over the years.

We must all have the skins of rhinos to even function around all this


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## tazza_uk

Hi all, 

amazing thread its just a pity it actually has to exist because of stupid people.  

my mum watched that program on BBC4 baby makers... she phoned the next day and said, if hubby and me disappear together, she wont disturb us just in case we are up to anything like the consultant on the program suggested!

Unfortunately had all the usual daft comments, relax/holiday/take a break/etc etc etc  

Had my DH dads wife (  ) told me to forget it all, i was getting too old to be a mother   I'm only 27.... hate the evil cows insensitive comments! Needless to say, when   it happens, she will have nothing to do with my child


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## MrsPepperpot

tazza_uk said:


> Hi all,
> 
> amazing thread its just a pity it actually has to exist because of stupid people.
> 
> my mum watched that program on BBC4 baby makers... she phoned the next day and said, if hubby and me disappear together, she wont disturb us just in case we are up to anything like the consultant on the program suggested!
> 
> Unfortunately had all the usual daft comments, relax/holiday/take a break/etc etc etc
> 
> Had my DH dads wife (  ) told me to forget it all, i was getting too old to be a mother  I'm only 27.... hate the evil cows insensitive comments! Needless to say, when  it happens, she will have nothing to do with my child   ^reiki


Too old at 27? How ridiculous! The thing is, we are even more ridiculous for letting these idiots bother us!

My mum is always saying "think of the life you'll have if you don't have any" what an insult from your own mother!

I think it bothers me more because in a way I feel stupid for getting upset & being angry. It's almost as if I'm a burden to the people I chose to share my feelings with?


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## ClaraS

This did make me laugh - I think you have to see the funny side sometimes. 

Our best was when we went to see the GP after DH's second set of results came back iffy, and she basically said - well, it's really not very good, way below where you want it so have you considered adopting or getting  a dog! We must have looked horrified as she went on that her sister never had children but her dogs were like her family. We told the consultant once we'd been referred and he told us we weren't quite at the dog stage yet! You'd think a GP would know better - even I knew reading the results upside down on her desk that ICSI was still possible. 

I think though you don't realise how hurtful thoughtless comments can be until you're there. I think back to things I said before we were in this situation and some of them could have been very tactless to someone in our position and I just hope I never said anything that caused any hurt. I'm a lot more careful what I say now as you just never know.


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## Cloudy

I tell people now that cats are enough for me - it stops the stupid comments!

Those people close to me who do know what's really going on can be just as bad with their helpful comments: "at least you get a lie in"..... 

Oh, and don't get me started on the ******** posts: specifically the wonderful mums who gave birth blah blah blah, then the photos of bumps, and the "best job in the world". I just want to say......


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## Smithy2

Cloudy: ******** is really p*****g me off at the moment! my hubby keeps telling me to stop going on there, it really winds me up sometimes & I have to stop myself commenting!! 

Rachael xxx


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## mb2512cat

Smug book

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=299993.20;topicseen


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## StephyC

I love this thread - it helps to know I am not the only one getting the insensitive comments... and the amount of people who have "prophesied" about the cute little girl / twins / baby boy I will have... is not even worth mentioning... or the comment my Doctor gave when I told him I was having problems conceiving after almost a year of trying, and he told about his other patient who went on holiday and came back pregnant... yeah thanks for that! 

The best thing I have come across though isn't so much what someone has said, more a placement of stuff.... my local supermarket used to have the monthly sanitary products near the hair and make-up stuff... then some bright spark decided to move it... guess where it is no located Yep, you guessed it, down the Baby products aisle, next to the pregnancy creams, and lovely new baby stuff! Every month, not only the grief of another period starting, but I have to wander down the most annoying aisle to get what I need! whoever came up with that idea...    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## kandykane

On ******** if you click on the person's profile then mouse over the 'Friends' button you can choose whether that person shows up in your news feed or not. That way you don't have to unfriend the person but you can still avoid seeing all their annoying updates. hth   

I hope no-one is offended by me posting on this thread, hope and    you all get your miracles soon


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## Smithy2

thanks Kandykane, I've already done that with a few of mine, it definitely helps!


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## NatalieP

Loving this thread girls...and I want one of those t-shirts!  

My step dad said to me a friend of mine adopted and within two months his wife was pregnant it's all about relaxing....eh my tubes are completly blocked nothing is going to get through them you know that grrr  

I have had the you need to relax to you need to have more sex talk so many times even from people who know the issues! 

When my GP got my dh's SA results back he told us that we would never conceive with his sperm...even with ICSI and that we maybe need to explore other avenues for children....all the while sitting in his consulting room surrounded by pictures of his 4 kids! I was so so upset and cross and the sperm donor comment wasn't even correct!  

Oh and one of my favourites....you need to go get drunk loads of people get pregnant when they are p***ed! And after my chemical pregnancy my boss turned round to me and said well it obviously wasn't meant to be these things happen...I am sure she was trying to be comforting but I was so cross not a helpful comment!

These people eh!

xxxxx

P.s. Don't you hate it when friends who know your situation announce there pregnancies on ******** without telling you first!


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## Caz

Oh dear, yes, the supermarket placement of wings and strings, right next to the nappies. I understand why they do that but it still irks me... it's like sticking the condoms next to the pregnancy tests. What's that like, if one fails use the other, huh! 



Cloudy said:


> I tell people now that cats are enough for me - it stops the stupid comments!
> 
> Those people close to me who do know what's really going on can be just as bad with their helpful comments: "at least you get a lie in".....
> 
> Oh, and don't get me started on the ******** posts: specifically the wonderful mums who gave birth blah blah blah, then the photos of bumps, and the "best job in the world". I just want to say......


I spent most of my IF years perpetuating the myth that I really didn't like children and babies at all. it got me out of all sorts of having to hold newborns and coo over them. Imagine my co-workers shock when I did finally announce my pregnancy! 
I am lucky to have actually had my DS after 9 years infertility and 6 cycles ICSI/FET and even now I still have to have a couple of my overeager mummy friends on hide on ******** because they're constant baby updates do my head in with Every.Single.Flipping.Post.Is.About.Baby.  
Oddly enough, I have quite a few FFers on ** (successful, moved on and still on the journey) not one of the successful ones are guilty of this. 



mb2512cat said:


> Smug book
> 
> http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=299993.20;topicseen


Reminds me of this: 




C~x

/links


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## SarahE83

I've also had the usual comments (relaxing, adoption, etc) but one of the ones that got to me most was while I was in the middle of my ICSI treatment, a colleague on maternity came in with her baby. One of my other colleagues, who knew about the treatment just walked the baby over to me without any warning or anything - yes, that's just what I need! The one who had just had the baby also thought that her three months was a long time trying to conceive!

Then after my scan at 13weeks, I started to tell people I was pregnant, one of the other people at work said, "about time too - took you long enough!" Thanks for that, I really needed reminding of what we've gone through to get to this point.


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## Lady-S

Hope u don't mind me adding to this list....although I am pregnant I feel like I have to defend my infertility...."some women leave it so late" well...I was 32 when I got married and started trying...it's not my fault it took 5 long hard years...and 37 is hardly over the hill!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!!! I didn't ask to be in blooming menopause 15 years too early!!!

Also....now this might offend so apologies in advance, but it's a bit of sick dark humour comparing paraplegia with infertility....it really is the "things people say" to us!!!



So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? 

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again! 

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere! 

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that. 

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk. 

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail. 

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness. 

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking? 

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go! 

9. But don’t you *want* to walk? 

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk. 

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes. 

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk. 

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt. 

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike? 

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time. 

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day. 

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed. 

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar. 

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies. 

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places. 

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again. 

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk! 

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk! 

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk. 

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk! 

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking! 

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much. 

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running… 


Lots of love to u all on this incredibly tough journey. 

Xxxxx


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## Bubbles12

Yep, heard them all! You can almost sense they are coming....

1week after my 1st M/C, a long time friend said 'well, at least u know it can happen' well, der!! 
I also hate 'when will u try again' would they ask the same question if i had lost a husband, or a living child... No, so why ask it now.

My colleague asked me the other day if i would consider getting a puppy... Ive never been a 'pet' person and to me, its no comfort, getting a dog because im reproductively challenged!

I understand that they are saying these things because they are uncomfortable, and they dont know what to say but i do get sick of hearing it, especially the 'it will happen'
Wish i had their gift to see in the future... It would make our journeys a little easier!

X


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## jaykay76

Love your post Lady-S, so very true!! Also glad you got your bfp, stories like yours give me hope xx
Hope84, I also was told by several people 'at least you know you can get pregnant' after losing my beautiful angel at 22 weeks. For me that has been the most upsetting comment of all!

You also have to see the funny side sometimes with these comments, I've been told recently that me and dh should just share a bottle of tequila!!!

xx


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## Lady-S

Hope - I know this isn't the forum but with a history or m/c please get ur immunes checked. A book called "is your body baby friendly" by dr beer totally changed my approach.  I'm happy for u to pm if I can provide any more info. 

Jay Kay - a shared bottle of tequila isn't quite healing enough... Over the years I e tried vodka, tequila, wine... Lol. A great clinic & supportive doctor is perfect though!!! Can't recommend serum in Athens enough!!! They are truly marvellous & get results with own egg or in my case donor. Sorry to disappoint but it WILL happen if u see the amazing penny. Lol

Xxxxx


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## Cay23

Hope84 said:


> My colleague asked me the other day if i would consider getting a puppy... Ive never been a 'pet' person and to me, its no comfort, getting a dog because im reproductively challenged!


During the week my DH and I went to a shop where there was this gorgeous puppy which belonged to the owner. I told my mum about it and she said "you should get one, it might start you off"! Start me off ??!!!! I'm pretty sure at the age of 40 and with over 4 years of ttc, a year of Clomid, 4 cycles of OI and 3 cycles of IVF I need a bit more than a puppy to 'start me off'?! Then while browsing in Tescos I was umming and ahhing over what size tunic-dress to buy and she said "surely you're not that size are you?". I just said "I'm sure if you'd done the number of injections that I've had to do in my tummy, and had the drugs in your system that I've had, you'd be a bit bloated and have a bigger tummy too!" Aghhhhhhhhh!! 

xx


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## Moonshadow_73

Aw Cay, that's hard. It's somehow worse when it's someone who 'should' know better. I gained 10 inches round my middle during my first IVF cycle, when I complained about how much pain I was in and how uncomfortable I was, a friend said I should try going through pregnancy if I though it was bad...


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## Smithy2

moonshadow: my friend said a similar thing to me, when I was going through all the tests, including the hysteroscopy & laparoscopy, I was talking about the indignity of it all & she  said "well you'll have to go through all that sort of thing anyway if you do get pregnant!"

yes but I didn't expect to have to go through it in order to get pregnant in the first place!!


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## MandyPandy

I had a friend thrust her baby at me once and said: 'Here hold him, hopefully it will get things moving...' and 'I wish fertility were contagious, you could then have some of my luck'.

I hate the: 'You must never give up hope' and 'stay positive' comments.  Do people know how hard it is to hope as cycle after cycle fails? ...and as for thinking positively... 

I'm just pleased I've now stopped trying - AND I told all my friends about it - I put a long post up on ** about it all and ended it with a comment saying 'the first person to offer faux sympathy or false platitudes gets a free and immediate de-friending'.  It stopped all of the stupid comments.  I'm just pleased that I've moved on to surrogacy now so I won't get all this rubbish (although of course I still have to go through the IVF and have to hope that it works for my surro where it failed for me) but I haven't told anyone else about it - just my parents and closest friends.


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## Maisyz

MandyPandy ca I ask if surrogacy is very expensive? and do you know if it can be done where you have absolutely no contact with the surrogate? Something I've been wondering about. Thanks
Maisy


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## elli78

love this thread. i have a 21 yr old nephew with three kids when i met his gf a few years back she commented on how maybe i wasa bit old and 'doing' it wrong..... oh just bugger off will you.  she also thrusts the baby at me and when it cries just says oh your not very maternal but i suppose your dogs are your babies.... ive avoided her for months but feel a visit coming on.. any suggestions? amazing what people say isnt it. ive had all of the above incl the mil saying if its the right time then you guys go for it. erm thanks but thats  shattered the mood for me now. lol. love to you all. xxx


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## Nix01

Loving these comments (well not the comments, just reassuring it's not just us that have had all these unhelpful pieces of advice & wisdom)!

Here goes with mine: (not includidng the run of the mill "relax", "it will happen"...etc

1. "Oh Nic, u know I would carry a baby for u if I could". Ok, so how many times do I have to tell them that our problems r due to MF so actually it's not that I can't carry a baby, I just can't get pregnant! "Oh I understand but I wish I could carry one for u"! They just do not listen & process what I am telling them!

2. After our 3rd failed ICSI attempt. "Well we all had our problems conceiving and we all got there in the end, u will too" Right apart from one friend (who had Cancer but fortunately now has 3 lovely healthy little girls)) I don't class the others who all took between 3 months to a year as having fertility problems!! Then I start to feel guilty for thinking this and think I am a cow!!

3. (Said to a friend) "I don't understand why Nic would ever give up and stop treatment, it doesn't matter how much money it costs, if u get a child at the end then surely it's all worth it". Don't think they have really though about the amount of money u could spend and still not have a child! Of course IF u get a child then it is more than worth it but IF is the problem! We have already spent £18,000 and so far no child!!

4. This is the worst! A colleague said to me after we had only just found out about my gorgeous man's sperm being bound by antibodies meaning we are 99.9 per cent infertile without medical intervention! " Has he given you the go ahead to leave him? You want children so badly, he must understand if you want to leave and I am sure he would give you his blessing, will you leave him?" Now, I was just absolutely gobsmacked and didn't have a clue how to respond to this. I think I eventually said "I would rather be childless and with a man that I am happy with and love than have a child with someone I don't love or care for"!

There are lots more that I may still think of but I think I will leave it there for now as i think they are the worst!!  The problem with me is that I am a very kind, thoughful person and no matter how rude or hurtful someone is to me I cannot bring myself to be rude, hurtful, honest etc in response to their helpful comments. But I wish that anyone of my friends would for one moment stop and think about what we have gone through over the last 5 years. They all have children (2 or more each), I don't live near them anymore and so I think they forget about me and my problems. Oh I don't know, think I am now feeling sorry for myself!!

Anyway, has anyone got any helpful (and semi polite) comebacks or me to practice when someone says something tactless in the future!?!

Very glad to know it isn't just us that gets all these comments!!

Cheers, Nix


----------



## elli78

oh nic your not alone. i think i should write all the crappy comments in a book and treat myself when i hear the same thing twice a week. i have to visit my nephew and his wife this wkend shes 15 years younger than me catty and just makesme feel like a failure. big house on benefits neva worked and says some pretty nasty things in a ' flippant' way. dh says dont see her but i want to seemy nephew... hes only 21. 3 kids doesnt work and has offered to give dh advice onhow to ' get her preg!' any advice ladies on being polite and not slapping her!!!!!! excuse spelling am using my phkne and have chunky fingers lol xxxx


----------



## Mooncat

LOVE this thread! Love reading all you stories about the (mostly) well meaning idiots in your lives! So nice to know I'm not alone in getting these insensitive comments and feeling totally p*ssed off by them  

Lady-S - especially love your post, laughing so uncontrollably, DH wondered what the hell was wrong with me, but I couldn't get the words out to tell him. Tears streaming down my cheeks, but from laughter for once  Hilarious, thanks so much! I think I may be able to think of that list and smile to myself next  time I get an insensitive comment (and I'm sure that won't be long...) xxx


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## NatalieP

Nix01 said:


> 1. "Oh Nic, u know I would carry a baby for u if I could". Ok, so how many times do I have to tell them that our problems r due to MF so actually it's not that I can't carry a baby, I just can't get pregnant! "Oh I understand but I wish I could carry one for u"! They just do not listen & process what I am telling them!


I have had this comment off a couple of people.....it's like I do NOT have a problem with carrying my baby I just can't get pregnant.....GRRRRR

xxx


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## jaykay76

Someone said to me the other day, " If it's meant to be, it will happen" Hmmm, that doesn't make me feel any better, and certainly doesn't stop the pain and frustration of not being able to have my own child. It would be impossible for me to think; Oh well, obviously I'm not meant to be a mum. I really wish people would think before they speak !
x


----------



## elli78

jaykay ive had that comment aswell.. its heartbreaking isnt it. my boss once said (before i told her my situation) i dont believe people who say they cant have kids they just need to have more sex!!!!!  ah maybe thats where im going wrong lol xx


----------



## Cay23

jaykay76 said:


> Someone said to me the other day, " If it's meant to be, it will happen" Hmmm, that doesn't make me feel any better, and certainly doesn't stop the pain and frustration of not being able to have my own child. It would be impossible for me to think; Oh well, obviously I'm not meant to be a mum. I really wish people would think before they speak !
> x


Ooohh I hate this. It's not like our lives are pre-planned (in my view). And I'd like to ask these people, who decides what's meant to be and what's not? If someone has an accident and looses a limb, or worse, is that unavoidably "meant to be"?!


----------



## Lucy708

Brilliant post! On Christmas eve l was following Santa on ******* and my mother in law said how lovely it would be to do this if you have children.....


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## kandykane

can't believe the insensitivity of some of the comments we've all had!

how about this gem from my brother in law (who has two kids) to my poor dp at christmas a couple of years ago when we were really struggling with the whole 'childless at christmas' thing - "you're lucky you don't have kids, you can play on your computer without being pestered" uh yeah, cause that really makes up for it


----------



## SLW1710

I find it amazing how all these fertile people seem to think they are experts in infertility.  As if they have a clue!!  We haven't told our friends about what's going on mainly because then, if and when they come out with stupid comments (which they do), I can excuse them because they don't know (even though I'm sure they have probably guessed!).  We had one of our friends (a father of 2) recount a story about someone he knew.  Already had 1 child, was struggling with a 2nd so went for tests (to which he started having a laugh about the blokes experience giving a sample - hilarious.....if you've never had to do it!!) to then go to a BBQ and get drunk and miraculously fall pregnant. OBVIOUSLY because they got drunk at a BBQ.  I nearly told him he should give up the day job and get a job at a clinic - save people thousands of pounds.  Just prescribe a bottle of vodka and a few sausages to throw on the BBQ!  I know he was telling us because they have probably guessed we are having problems and perhaps he thought somehow it would give us hope.  But no.  Think I'll stick to listening to my consultant thank you very much.  The one that knows a bit about infertility and, more importantly, knows the reasons we're not getting pregnant.  And, strangely, it has nothing to do with not drinking enough alcohol or a lack of BBQ food in our diets.  I also hate it when people say "Oh, he only has to look at me and I get pregnant".  And these people have the nerve to ask us if we're doing it right??  LOL


----------



## Caz

My mum came out with a classic once; she said "In my day, you only had to hang your knickers on the line and you were pregnant." I have to admit, I did laugh.  


Interesting what you say SLW, about telling or not telling people, because I do think when you don't it helps you to forgive people their comments made in ignorance. At least it's easier to do so than if they know and are trying to be "helpful". 

On the whole I didn't tell people; I fostered the idea that I wasn't at all into the whole motherhood thing - loved other people's children but ew, no ta sort of thing. It was complete self defence. It helped to ward off all the "when are you going to have a baby" comments. Because my DH was a bit older than me and had sons from a previous marriage, it made it a bit more believable. On the whole it did work... people only ever asked me the baby question once, got the look from me and left it.   I didn't get "advice" heaped on me from all sides, although I heard a few eye rolling comments but I did find myself being so offended when people "made light" of infertility when I knew they didn't know we were struggling. It wasn't personal I suppose.

Of course the downside of not telling people is it's a very lonely place with no support. I was lucky to find FF early in my journey and I learned then that some friends are with you always, and some you pick up along the way... and some just don't cut it for certain things and that's when you have to make new ones who know what you're facing. It's a hard old lesson to learn, and even harder to let go of those familiar old friends, but you have to do what you need to do to survive.

C~x


----------



## SLW1710

Regarding the reasons behind not telling people, this was my theory:

A) when you disclose any kind of problem to people, along with trying to comfort you, often they try and provide you with a solution or their pearls of wisdom regardless of whether they are best placed to do so. Cue the annoying clichés discussed in this post;

B) Infertility takes over enough of your life without it interfering with perfectly good friendships. I don't want this horrible thing to define me with my friends. I don't want to be the friend that can't have kids. Poor me. Once it's out there = cliché/advice city!!

C) I find this whole thing hard enough to deal with and I know a bit about it now. I don't want to put my friends in the position of not knowing what to say when they see me. For infertility to be the great big white elephant in the room. For people to censor their conversations around me - don't mention the "baby" word. In my experience, I can't help but expect more from the people who know. Irrationally, I somehow expect them to know what to say and what not to say. I expect them to ask about it, understand how it feels. I get irritated when they don't "get it right" (whatever right is - not worked that out yet ). But don't be fooled. This is not just me being a considerate friend, this is self preservation! Reduce the clichés/advice etc 

D) I worry that if everyone knew, I would become an infertility bore, talking about it all the time. And I don't want to be that  Like I've said, it's all consuming as it is!


Don't get me wrong, I have told a select few people and, if this all works out, I will have no problem telling others of our journey. Everyone is different though. I probably just worry too much. But for now, dealing with my own feelings is more than enough for me to handle without the feelings and opinions of others being thrown in to the mix!


----------



## Littlecat

My best friend is normally amazing and supportive. However, she reacts very badly to pregnancy hormones and not only had post-natal depression to the point of psychosis but had severe depression during her second pregnancy. She's fine face to face, but I'm the person she calls when it all gets too much and it got to the stage where I couldn't speak to her on the phone without someone else there to either hold my hand or pull funny faces at me. Classics included "will you adopt X" (no, your husband might object) and the worst, when I'd told her my dh was having a problem at work "tell him, it could be worse, at least he's not pregnant". We didn't speak for a while after that one. I know she was ill, but it was too much.

I'm open to adopting but it really really annoys me that it's seen as a cure to infertility. Someone once said to me that IVF was wrong, because infertility was God's way of telling you to adopt. Fortunately, I was on the ball that day, because I asked them if God decided who gave birth and who didn't, why children needed to be adopted in the first place. Surely, he just wouldn't give kids to people who were unable to keep them safe! That shut them up.

Like others, I have been told "relax and it will happen" when of course it won't since I have no tubes. I was also told I was still young - yes technically, but 28 (as I was then) isn't that young & since I've had surgery on both ovaries and had been told I'd need a hysterectomy by 32 (managed to avoid that, but they would like me to have one soon), I didn't really feel that time was on my side. 

I've found not telling people can get awkward. We didn't tell my FiL for years and he assumed I was just being a career girl. This culminated in him showing me all the photos of DH as a baby and talking about how cute kids are. Fortunately MiL told him for us (they're divorced) because I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions at his first response - "but I might never have grandkids". Yes, and that's sad, but it's probably worse for us.


----------



## Susst

It's great to have this thread, I now tell very few people when we are having treatment, however got a bfp after our recent 3rd IVF  only to loose it few days later.  Told my friend at work as I knew she is ttc no 3 so thought she might be more sensitive when telling me. She did say how sorry she was but 10 seconds later had loads of pictures of her friends new baby (who I don't even know) opened up on ********, unbelievable!  The same friend told me if I just relaxed about the whole ttc business I'd probably get pg no bother


----------



## Smithy2

Hey ladies!

I am currently on my 2WW and went to visit my MIL yesterday, hubby had already warned her not to go on about things, she doesn't have many boundaries and thinks nothing of asking awkward questions.

She was actually pretty good this time, until she told us that she had told my brother in law that we were going through IVF (we hadn't told him, so thanks for that for a start!) she told us that he said "oooo, so I'm going to be an uncle!" My hubby said, well we just have to wait and see what happens, (as I haven't even taken the test yet!) to which she said, "well I hope it does work.............................because I want to be a nanny!"

Way to put the pressure on!


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## elli78

hi smithy. i know what you mean people assume having txt means it will def work.. god if only it was that simple.  my mum is fantastic but tells me who is preg... its like shes trying to push some of their fertility in my direction lol. xxx


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## Smithy2

I know, and then you have to deal with their disappointment as well as your own if it doesn't work!


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## Cay23

Smithy2 said:


> I know, and then you have to deal with their disappointment as well as your own if it doesn't work!


This is exactly why, after our 1st IVF failed, we decided to tell no one that we were having treatment again... and again... and again... Just us and the lovely people on FF know xx


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## jaykay76

We've just started our 3rd round of IVF, and have not told anyone, it's my way of protecting myself from awkward comments and expectations. Last time we made the mistake of telling my mil, who then told most of the family, which I found really difficult. They will know soon enough if there's any news to tell xxx


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## elli78

its hard to know what to do for the best isn't it. 
I told my boss the last time we had treatment purely as i couldn't think of any more excuses for the time off.. and as i work with all ladies of varies ages (and in fairness we are close ish) they were asking if everything was ok, and going into a bit of detail about cycsts and gynea issues and i was forgetting what i had said i was having treatment for!! 
i found i bloated big time on the medications though so i had to dig out some 'floaty' work clothes -) xx


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## SLW1710

Well today I am pretty sure IVF #2 is over with another BFN as the   is trying to make her presence felt   My sister-in-law is aware we're currently undergoing treatment and was texting my DH last night, even referring to the fact.  So what does she do this morning?  Comment on pretty much every video of her 3 children she's ever uploaded to ******** so they create an endless stream in our timeline.  I just cannot catch my breath.  Just so insensitive and unnecessary when she knows what's going on at the moment.  She doesn't know it hasn't worked yet, but still, she knows there's that possibility and it must be fairly imminent.  My DH made excuses for her saying she wouldn't link the 2 etc but I am sorry, she is an intelligent lady so a bit of common sense would have told her it may not be appropriate tight now to clutter our timelines with a stream of happy family images.  She just didn't think at the end of the day.  And that hurts.  What is it with people!!!  Oh, and to top it off, the first offer on my Groupon e-mail this morning was for a 4D scan.  This day just gets better!


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## Carrots12

SLW1710 - So sorry that your SIL is being so insensitive at the moment.  I honestly think that people genuinely just can't understand what it feels like to have fertility issues unless they have them.  They try to be sympathetic but they really don't get the level of heartbreak that we all suffer and have to deal with.  Sending you lots of  , it sounds like you are needing them today.  I've come off of ******** in an attemt to keep my sanity.... if I saw one more scan photo (seriously people, is nothing private?!) or status update from people moaning about their kids, or gloating at how perfect they are, I was in danger of going .

I hope that tomorrow you get some good news afterall.  

xxx


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## scooter5

What a great thread.

Hello All. For me my absolute worsts are: a) ******** scan photos/announcements; b) being told "it'll happen when you stop thinking about it" - uh, okay!; and c) being told, "we weren't even really trying, it happened on the first time" - makes me want to slap them (don't worry, I just smile and say, how exciting).

I agree - you have to be very careful who you share with. My Mum and DH are my rocks through this (MIL and FIL also very supportive so very lucky on that front too, particulalry as DH only child). My Mum always makes me smile and feel better and I love the fact that when we find out someone else we know is pregnant within an hour of trying she says something along the lines of "well, their baby won't be half as nice as yours will be when you have it" (we're not nasty people, honestly!). My brother has also been a star and has been very suppotive of my DH too. Other than them, I haven't told anyone. I agree with *SLW1710*, IF is pretty much all consuming anyway so I like not to be defined by it in my relationships with friends and other family members.

My most recent gem - at Christmas my SIL said to me "oh, BTW, my SIL is pregnant again, on my side of the family we've been knocking out one a year on average for the past four years..." Now, to be fair, we haven't told her anything and I know my brother hasn't either but DH and I are pretty sure that she will know that it's likely we've been trying for a while and nothing's happened...

*SLW1710* - sending some   your way. Hang in there and do your best to ignore your SIL. I agree with *Carrots12*, people just do not understand IF issues and the level of pain that we go through.   for tomorrow.


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## larka

Hi, this thread is great reassuring that I'm not the only person who finds these comments hard to take.

My mum always comes up with some crackers - funnily enough she probably says the most insensitive comments but she has always been like that to everyone and doesn't realise she is doing it so I'm kinda used to it which makes it easier to forgive.
So here goes crackers my mum has said:

Hurry up and get pregnant, I'm not getting any younger you know!
I've bought DH some new baggy boxer shorts to help his sperm they are already in the post!
I've sent DH an article from the Daily Mail about wireless internet being bad for sperm maybe you should turn yours off!
I saw some lovely baby clothes today, its a shame you're not pregnant!
For mine and your dad's 50th wedding anniversary we want a photo of all our grandchildren so that gives you 6 years to have all the children you want... is that ok?
So when you have ivf does (snigger snigger) DH have to (snigger snigger) you know (snigger snigger) do it in a cup (titter titter titter)

If I didn't love her so much...
She does also say nice things like: Well when this baby does finally get here it will be the luckiest one around as it will be so wanted and loved.   

Also had a friend who was really upset that she got pregnant straight away as she was looking forward to trying


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## sallyliz

What a great thread!

My worst experience came via email last week from a good friend I haven't seen for quite a while. Apparently she's 6 months(!!) pregnant to her new boyfriend she's been with all of 5 minutes, having separated from her husband last summer. 

It was a classic: "It was a total surprise and I certainly wasn't trying I just missed a pill and that was it!"

A) I don't actually believe that for a second, and B) I'm pretty sure she knows about my situation, so how can she be so damned insensitive ! Needless to say I haven't yet replied to her email...


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## scooter5

*larka* - the "I was looking forward to trying" is a new one for me and it's right up there on the unbelievably ridiculous/irritating scale!

I agree, *sallyliz* that sounds like complete tosh to me. I'm not sure I could bring myself ever to respond to an email like that...aaargh, it makes me mad and I don't even know her


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## elli78

hey all. i agree larka people just dont or cant understand the heartache unless they are going through it.  your mum sounds fantastic a bit like my mum who also thinks shes helping but comes out with v funny things. itsva good job her and my dh get along well given some of the conversations!xxx


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## larka

elli - yes she is funny!
You don't expect to have  to explain to DH that he should expect some pants through the mail!! He was not sure whether he should be polite and thank her or whether that would just encourage her to send more. She even asked him if he was wearing them the next time we saw her *cringe* Luckily DH has a good relationship with her and understands that its just her way and that she means well. We've even started calling them the lucky pants!!! We've found that using humour has really helped I suppose you've got to laugh otherwise you'd cry!


----------



## Ivfmamma

I've got a cracker for you ladies.

(You know the storyline from Katie on emmerdale at the minute right?! She is having ivf to concieve & is baby baby mad)

Well at my nanas Monday night, i popped in on my break from work, she was watching emmerdale so I watched it for 10 mins with her, Katie was on screen giving it the whole baby mad thingy (like we all do) 

so my dear old nana said what a pathetic cow, paused for a second & said I know some one just like her - YOU!

She looked at me mouth wide open & said that came out totally wrong, 

(yeah no ****e) 

This is from a woman who has 6 children, & she's calling an infertile women pathetic for being baby mad. 

Shame on her. & for that I'm making sure she goes in the nastiest nursing home ever invented in a few years to come.

Own back time  

I mean seriously?! What do these people smoke?

xx


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## duckybun

Love love love this thread,

Ivf mamma, you're story about your nana made me laugh, I have this image of her in my head now and she's like a character out of a roald Dahl  book, I'm sure she's lovely but honestly!!!!

Here s a corker for you all. Dh and I went out last weekend for a friends birthday, there was a dozen or so of us in a restaurant all chatting round the table and the starters arrived so everyone was swapping and trying everyone else and my friend offered me some of her mussels. Now I'm allergic to shell fish so I said no sorry Hun I can't eat those, to which another friend way down the other end of the table heard and reacted by screaming in front of everyone 'oh my god d! You're pregnant! Everyone.. D's pregnant'!!!!!! WTF! Everyone turned to look at me as I choked back the tears and explained that no I am not f***ing pregnant I'm just allergic to shellfish. Dh took me outside and I was so upset I had the first smoke in years to calm down (naughty I know but I was THAT upset)......

Grrrr


----------



## bambibaby12

Pinks and whites... Firstly hello and congrats on being PUPO! We've missed you from the other thread, glad you've moved on quickly with your treatment and keeping everything crossed for the 13th    

I was so shocked that your MIL could say those things... Unbelievable!! What did your partner say?? I think I would have been too speechless to even come back with anything to that  

Good luck Hun xx


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## staceyemma

My dad called the other day to say my step sister was pregnant (the girl who literally lives on just eating french fries as she won't eat anything else)
Anyway that was fine..

Then he went on to say 'Just you to go now then Stacey, Do you want me to post you a video of how to it properly?!' 

hmmmm. not funny
I know how to do it properly, I know what god damn day of my cycle I am most days, I know when af is due, when I'm fertile so YES! I am doing it properly   4 years along and nothin and I don't need you to remind me it isn't working   

I did cry after I spoke to him   (partly due to the fact AF is due this weekend and I can feel its another failed month naturally) very sensitive at the minute 

Happy Friday ladies   xx


----------



## duckybun

How about the next time people offer advice on 'doing it properly' we all offer to tape ourselves and send it to THEM, so they can have a look and tell us where they think we're going wrong.... Maybe that'd shut them up


----------



## staceyemma

Ha ha duckybun that made my day       xxx


----------



## Ivfmamma

Pink & white - we had a pug dog a few years ago & my mum used to call it her grand-dog, apparently she said its the closest thing she was getting to a grand-child. 

cow. lol x


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## Ivfmamma

Ducky bun - or another one is to just say.... lend me your husband for an hour & I will show him & he can judge if I'm doing it right? 

(Obviously we would never do this, but say it to see the look on there face! haha) it'd be priceless   x


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## elli78

ivfmamma that's brilliant - i think i may actually use that one!!! 
xxx


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## Nosilab

Oh ladies!  We should write a book of quotes!  These are priceless!!  

Ivfmamma, I know I shouldn't laugh as it's far from funny but the story about your nana and Emmerdale made me laugh!  It was just the image I had in my head of your nana's face when she realised what she'd said!  

And Duckybun!   you poor poor thing!  What an absolute nightmare of a situation!  Some people are totally unbelievable!  Gobsmacked...

Pink & Whites, seriously!  Why do people not engage brain before opening mouth!!  Oh yeah, cos I feel soooo lucky that I don't have to take contraception, I'd much rather be pumping my body full of IVF drugs on a daily basis....not!!  Oh and I'm just so relieved I'm not getting pregnant and 'only' facing heartbreak and disappointment each month, phew!  Jeez, the comments just get better and better.  I'm surprised we haven't all gone totally  

Staceyemma, I love Duckybun's idea of offering to send a video next time someone says "are you doing it properly?!"    I'm gonna use that one line!

SLW1710, so sorry to hear   is on her way.  And very sad to hear that your SIL is being so flippin' insensitive grrrr    Don't even get me started on the whole ******** thing!  Anyway, I wanted to send you some big hugs    And as for the Groupon offer, talk about Sod's law and poor timing!

Larka, totally Gobsmacked yet again, they really are some crackers  

xx


----------



## alexandra2008

hi Ladies,
love love love this thread
here is what i have been told my aunty said to me 
aunty    If i ever get sick my children will look after me
me        Ah aunty children are not born to look after thier parents
aunty    you are jealous of us
me        why should i be jealous
then i walked away
a familly friend told that her boyfriend is paying for her daughter,s ivf and she said why is he waisting so much money why cant he give me that money instead,by the way this is a woman who has 3 children.another family freind who has 7 children and 11 grandchildren told me not to bother with children of which i said but you have 7 then she said yes but i regret having them.another friend phoned me and she could hear a parrot in the back ground of which she said what is that noise i said a parrot  she said ohh your child.
i can go on and on and on with them iignorant peoples stories
i really hope we can allbbe parents at some stage and put them ignorant people in shame
Alex


----------



## jaykay76

I've just remembered something that happened to me a couple of years ago. We'd been trying for about 3 years, had all the fertility tests and were just about to start treatment. At Christmas time, my BIL handed me his 1 month old son, and said, "Here you go, here's some practice for you!"

I did actually go away and have a little cry!


----------



## bluerose

What I feel.

I cried when I found out at 17 I had pof and could never have bio kids or there is I tiny possibility I could carry (not overly optimistic ). After that though I realised that there is bugger all I can do about my situation and nothing me or my mum had done wrong for me to have pof. So for me what I say to myself is " **** happens" and I have thought its sad that I can't have kids like normal but whether I try IVF or any other option ill be happy if it works eventually. 
For me I have never been up set by friends saying they are pregnant. I love kids so playing or looking after them is great. 
Another time a few years ago a friend told me she was pregnant. 22 and at uni she told me she was thinking of an abortion. I told her I will help her out what ever decision she makes. So after a month she decided to have an abortion. It's sad in some ways but I don't know if I'm the only person here that thinks this but I wasn't upset that " oh she's having an abortion" " how could she do that" and such.  I supported her and it didn't really bother me in the sense of upset that I can't have kids.


----------



## Tessykins

Girls, I've been having a good laugh at this thread as I've been at the receiving end of many of these comments - I've had from my mum and my sister the 'get the legs in the air after sex' comment as apparently it worked for them!  I've had the 'relax and it'll happen' and 'I bet when you stop treatment you'll fall pregnant naturally' Grrrrrrrrrr!

The worst ones came from a friend of  mine with two children who was trying for her third - she was having difficulties as she'd suffered an ectopic and had lost one tube.  She had been trying for about 3 months and fell pregnant again.  Of course I congratulated her and her reaction was 'Ach, it'll happen to you too, but if it doesn't will you really be that disappointed'!!  I just stood there gobsmacked after all the complaining she did about 'struggling' for 3 MONTHS (!) to get pregnant    
Then last year, when I'd had an early miscarriage, we were having a drink one night and she said that she'd be delighted to 'carry' a baby for us!!!!  I felt like punching her in the face    

Anyway, rant over, this is a good way of venting!!  Wishing all of you girls the very best XXXX


----------



## staceyemma

My Aunty and sister offered to carry a baby for us jeeez! Let me at least have a go myself first!
Lol 

People hey they haven't got a clue


----------



## larka

Had an interesting conversation with my boss the other day (a man). Bless him, he was trying to be really supportive and was basically telling me any time I needed off to take it - which was lovely. But then it all got a bit awkward - I think he wanted to prove how supportive he was by asking me lots of questions about my treatment without really thinking about how private (and female orientated) most of it is - Unfortunately when I feel awkward and nervous I tend to talk... a lot... so he now has a really in depth picture of a my menstrual cycle!! The best bit was when he ask how they put it back in - I tried the vague 'they insert it into the uterus' but he pushed for more detail until I ended up saying 'they stick it up your vagina!!!!' Oh well at least he won't be asking again!! The only saving grace was that he appeared just as embarrassed as I was!


----------



## duckybun

Larka!! Ah you made me laugh, I love it! What is it about the word vagina that just stops a conversation dead in its tracks, I can only begin to imagine his face.

Thanks for the giggle
Xx


----------



## Mrs_Fox

Ahhh ladies, thank you so much for this thread. You've made me and DH proper belly laugh!

These well meaning people do make my blood boil. I've had them all too, relax, I know it will happen, you wait you'll end up with twins, why don't you just adopt, why not get a puppy, think of the wonderful holidays you could have if you don't have kids, well you'll have nieces and nephews so what's the problem, how's everything going (with the sympathetic head bob and nod in the direction of my nether regions!), the people whose friends just stopped trying and it happened etc etc.

But the ones that really upset me:

My mum: if it was me, I couldn't help but be angry with him (after me saying not one part of me blames DH for anything)
Friend of the family when another friend announced she was pregnant and my mum told her it upset me a bit: well life goes on, we can't all tread on eggshells and not get on with life 
DH's moronic friend who just announced that they are preggers on **: when DH and I congratulated, he said 'thanks guys, just good to know it works!'

I think we've got to so what we're doing and laugh at it because it's the only way through . Wishing you all lots of sticky baby dust x


----------



## Cay23

Hi girls, just had to post this cos I'm fuming.....

I deactivated my ** a month or so ago because a 'friend' was posting constantly about her new baby. Well I've just had a sneaky peek to see if anything's changed..

Firstly a post by said 'friend' saying, and I quote, "apologies for all my posts about our baby, but I've waited a long time to be a mummy" - she got pregnant after less than a year of marriage _and_ on their 1st month ttc!!  makes me sooooo mad! 

Then scroll down and there's a photostream of 8 pics in graphic detail of my cousin _giving birth_ to her baby by c-section!! _On **_!!!! Is nothing private anymore??!!

Needless to say, my ** is deactivated once more!!     

xx


----------



## Crazychickenlady

Well I love this thread, I've had the relax, forget about trying comments but the worst one was from DH nan at a family BBQ. She said quite openly 'when you gonna ave kids? You got sum catchin up to do boy', she then said to me, 'when you gonna give my grandson a child?'
My in-laws have all commented on my grieving period when I had 4mc in a year, 'ain't she got over it yet?'

They are the type of family that have litters of children, the men sneeze and the women fall pregnant!

I've tried relaxing, forgetting about ttc, having more sex, legs in the air afterwards, going on holiday, were are doing it right, my DH does ejaculate (GP asked that!), stopped smoking(ok I started again but we was on a break), eating healthy, stopped drinking, taking pre-pregnancy vits... Think that's it?? Am I missing anything? 

Oh and once, as I lit up a cigarette during our break from ttc, someone said "you won't have kids if you smoke"..... I followed this by infertility babble that he had NO clue about, and the fact that I had started smoking again after 2 and a half years of non smoking BECAUSE I have fertility problems....       

Oh I could go on... Once we got told "you wouldn't understand because you don't have a family"....


----------



## elli78

hey ladies. not been on here for a while but its almost good to know nothing changes on the ignorance front lol.


----------



## Ivfmamma

My father in law has recently told my husband he is too old for ivf .......

my husband is 27 !!!! LOL

I said oh why how old should you be for ivf, twelve ? lmao!

And the worst is, this man who happens to be my father in law is 46 himself with a 5 year old (conceived whilst me & his son have been having difficulty ttc for 10 years) 

what a moron! X


----------



## Ivfmamma

sorry didnt finish my post, the worst is. My husband now thinks he is too old, & said by the time he is 30 (3 years) if we haven't conceived from ivf we should call it a day.

Does someone want to come punch my husband in the face for being pathetic? lol & I will do the same to his dad for putting this ridiculous idea of him being to old in his head.

I very learily said to my husband well if on your 30th birthday nothing's happened with ivf I will have to leave your retirement party early to nip off to the sperm bank (yes I was angry!!) should've seen his face! picture & a half Lol x

he now realises he was being a very stupid man & we will be having ivf in our 70's if this is how long it takes lol   x


----------



## larka

cay23 - did you know that you can hide updates from individual people on ** so you could still enjoy keeping up with non smug people. I've had to hide some smug mums on mine xxx


----------



## Cay23

Hi larka, I did yes thanks and initially I did hide her. Problem is we have mutual friends so when any of them comment on her statuses for some reason it still appears on my newsfeed.   xx


----------



## Daydreamer88

Reading through this post has made me laugh  it's almost unbelievable that there are so many people around that say the stupidest things!! I initially thought it must just be me that was surrounded by these people but after reading through this whole thread I realise it must be contagious and it is a complete lack of understanding/empathy for people going through IF 

I have had lots of ridiculous comments but the worst was when someone very close actually said to me, on 2 separate occasions, 'oh well at least you haven't got a terminal illness' .... I was left speechless!!  What...I am not allowed to feel any pain or upset because I don't have a terminal illness! I am very well aware that there are worse situations in the world and people are suffering much more than I am at the minute but that doesn't take away the fact that I am hurting because of what I _am_ going through and IF and the treatments that come with it make you feel like crap sometimes and it is a hard thing to have to deal with!! I think it goes without saying that this comment came from someone who had children very easily!! Jeeeez what is with some people!

A lot of things people say are really daft and hurtful but I think the majority of the time they come from a good place from people who just don't know what to say so they fill the silence with stupidity 

I have also blocked baby obsessives and pregnancy symptom moaners from my ******** newsfeed...it is actually quite satisfying clicking unfollow...although I am getting a bit addicted at this rate there will be no-one left but me and DH


----------



## donna80

Reading these posts tonite has put a small smile  on my face after having a few down days, its nice to read that I'm not the only one with a very insensitive family. Thank you all for sharing...
I've had all the stupid comments too, stop trying and it will happen, are you doing it right, etc
My best are....
My brother once said to my Nan that it was me who called social services on his girlfriends two children because I was jealous that he had them in his life and I have nothing!!! ( I never phoned them!!) we don't speak much now!! 
My granddad said not so long ago ( after helping us with money towards out TX) don't worry we will have you pg by cousins wedding!! Cringe!! 
The worst is My Sis in law offered to be our ed. after a few app and finding out that she wont get anything for doing it. she Went quiet on us and after a week of us trying to call her And texting asking for convenient time to call she posted my DH a ******** message saying that I will call you when I am ready too...that was 5months ago and she still hasn't called!!! 
I learnt to smile sweetly and let it go over my head but deep down it tears me up, 
as for ********, I don't venture on it much anymore, 

Big    for you all. 
Donna xx


----------



## duckybun

Yikes Donna! Your sister in law sounds like a right bin lid! Why do people take it upon themselves to wade in all bollshy and knight on horseback thinkin they can save the day with no idea of what ivf actually entails? I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for some one who said, 'listen I'm sorry you're going through so much, I'd love to help but I don't know how I can and I can't commit to anything until I understand what I might be signing up for, but I love you and I'd love to be more informed so I can support you as best as I can' instead we get balloons like your sister in law offering us the moon on a stick and then running for the hills when they can't handle it!!! Errr welcome to our world! I hope your sister in law is feeling suitably ashamed of herself for not only being unsupportive but for actively letting you down, what a numpty,     (there weren't any big thumbs down emoticons so those'll have to do!)

X
Ducky


----------



## sonyab1983

This thread has certainly put a smile on my face this morning!! I was starting to think that i was just been a little too sensitive, again like you all I've had all these said to me and it really gets to me, one that really drives me mad and to make it worse it's said often from a close family member is, 'try not to think about it, i think your thinkin to much' WTF..!!!!! (after 9 years, what else can i think about, Grrrr)

I think some people need to take a walk in our footprints, then see if they still come out with some stupid one liners!! (although i would not wish this on anyone)

Oh and my ******** is deactivated too, cant handle the statuses and constant scan pics


----------



## goldbunny

shopping with my mother last week (i would have been 20 weeks if i hadn't m/ced) while walking around a shop she first insisted on looking at the toys for newborns (bad enough, but, ok, let's not worry about it..) and then the toddler clothing (well, ok, my sister and a family friend have little ones so ok, there's an excuse for that) and then! nursery furniture - omg - admiring a cot and saying how nice it was and then moving around to a changing table and saying what a lovely piece of furniture it was!!!! uh?? hello? It's a changing table!! I should be buying one and i'm not because i m/ced do i need reminding??  I was beyond gobsmacked really and just walked off at that point. This is my mother for crying out loud, why doesn't she know better? it's like everyone just thinks two weeks later it all never happened! Just because i'm not sitting around sobbing doesn't mean i can deal with people rubbing it in my face. I should be excitedly finding out the sex not pacing around worrying about another IVF cycle... Grrr!!!!!!! *stroppy face* I think i need some cake!!


----------



## amy33

Hi 

just wanted to add things that people have recently said to me. My good friend told me that her mum 'doesn't agree with IVF as if it's not happening naturally then it's nature's way' we are hoping to start ivf very soon and really did not want to hear this!!! how insensitive is this?!? My friend is also pregnant with her second child. 

A close relative has also said about 4 times in last few months 'sometimes you just have to accept that it's not meant to be' i can understand this when you reach a certain point along the ttc journey but not when you haven't even attempted ivf yet!!!  To me that's like giving up at the first hurdle. 

Another friend said to me 'are you sure you're having enough sex'. Er yes we are thanks. Remind me to ask about your sex life next time. 

Honestly, i realise that mainly people try to be understanding but they really don't understand at all do they. Am so glad have found this thread and can read about others stories as well, makes me feel so less alone!!


----------



## jaykay76

So glad that this thread is still going   

I spoke to my lovely gran last night who told me about some new tablets out that help you get pg. I think she was talking about the pre-conception vitamins you can buy, but she seemed convinced that they might be the answer, bless her!  The same Gran will also send me any article she sees that's even vaguely related to getting pg, I know her hearts in the right place though, so I can't get cross with her!

If only it was as easy as popping a pill!   x


----------



## elli78

jaykay my mum told me about those. bless her x


----------



## Maisyz

aah Jaykay you're gran sounds lovely. My mum used to do similar. She'd also read every book on IVF she could get hold off from the library, god I miss her  .


----------



## duckybun

maisyz, your mum sounds so lovely,


----------



## Maisyz

She was Ducky, sadly she passed away. So here we are, another year on where there's no mother's day card for me, none for her and just the cowbag mother in law who should probably get a "people who should never actually bother being a mother" award. Gosh I am a ray of Maisy sunshine today.


----------



## Crazychickenlady

Maisyz said:


> The cowbag mother in law who should probably get a "people who should never actually bother being a mother" award.


    I have one of those too!! When me and hubby told her about us ttc, we was talking about baby names. Because two of my DH cousins had children before we even got off the starting block she thought it would be a good idea to tell the cousins of our chosen names, which they used for their newborns!! Talk about spiteful  So Scarlett and Harry are crossed off our name list 

I over heard a group of girls moaning about stretch marks at college in the loos. They were no older than 17 and all had children in the college nursery. I showed them my tattoo on my tummy that has the words "lost before I found you, gone before you came, but I love you just the same". They were all like 'aww that's lovely' then I said I should have stretch marks but I lost all my babies during early pregnancy.... They were left speechless!


----------



## Maisyz

Sounds like my mother in law and yours were separated at birth. So far she has gossiped about my IVF with just about anyone who'll listen, even though we absolutely made it clear it was something not to be shared - given we live in a village you can imagine just how much fun it is being "that woman who can't give her husband kids". Christmas was an absolute howler where she spent most of the day waxing lyrical about DH's cousin and his wife who had a baby last year a couple of weeks after ours would have been due. She in no way thinks that ramming pictures of the brat down my throat at every opportunity is wrong whereas everyone I've told about it think she's a vile witch. She also said she wouldn't bother with my mum's funeral as "it's not as though she's family" - yes seriously. It never ceases to amaze me and I wonder how her son turned out so lovely, he believes it's because he has an utter committment to being the exact opposite of her. She even described him as a baby as looking like a rat - OMG poor little prem baby in ICU that he was and she says that. Seriously you couldn't make her up, I imagine even the script writers of Eastenders would reject it as just too much!. I try to imagine that in reality he was left under a gooseberry bush and is not related to her at all, a girl can dream  

I love the name Scarlett, was def on my list Scarlett and Felix in my case. Unbelievable that they'd use your chosen names.

Will shut up now before I turn this into a mother in law from hell thread.


----------



## susie76

hi ladies, love reading this thread, at least we can have a laugh afterwards at some of the outrageous things!  

my worst was at drinks party of my parents - i think i might have even had a real drink in my hand after another BFN - a lady i know literally put her hand on my belly (really), and said 'so when are the babies coming then, we are all waiting..."  i ended up just walking off but have come up with so many smart alec responses in my head since!


----------



## Toad76

This thread is brilliant, sometimes you wonder if it's just you being overly sensitive! Obviously not!

We haven't told anyone about our problem or the fact that we're off having tests. My mother is like a rail road truck with no breaks on just about any subject of any sensitivity and my MIL is not the most delicate in the world either, so we just can't face telling them right now. 

I've been off to Slimming World recently to shed a few pounds to help us along the way. I'm not that overweight, but the doc said it can't hurt to loose a little, especially with IVF in mind.

Anyway, I know my mother doesn't 'know' as such, but we have been together a while, married and settled in our first house etc, so it doesn't take Einstein to work it out. Plus I have always had problems, so she is aware there could be issues for us, ( not my first marriage and was ttc before with first husband). 

So, I pop to see her one weekend, and I have lost a few pounds. 'Oh that is good,' she says, ' you look a little less pregnant now'! Really, you couldn't write this stuff!!!

Never had to take so many deep breaths in all my life!


----------



## Crazychickenlady

I just remembered another mortifying moment a few Christmases ago...
All my my side of the family were having a meal in a lovely restaurant when my socially inept, future auntie asked in her usual, crass, un-polite manner "when you avin kids den? you been togeva for ages"
I replied with " we are trying, some people dont get pregnant as quickly as others"
She then blurted out "whats wrong wif you den? You avin trouble?"
By this point the hole table was quite, listening....
I said "To be honest its not something I want to talk about over a turkey dinner, but f you must know, yes we are having trouble"

Everyone had stopped eating, and all looking very sheepish


----------



## Zaineb

Nice thread  ) I also had many many frustrating comments .......... some times I manage to find an answer .....but most times I honestly make a huge effort to keep my mouth shut just so I don't reply with a rude answer ....but the worst question I normally have is when someone who has just been introduced to me and ask so do you have children and I answer no .....then they go how long have you been married ...when I patently give the answer ....they go is there a problem ...when i say yes ...........they ask ....did you visit a Dr ...did you try IVF  ? at this point I honestly feel i want to punch this person in the face and say what do you think  been married for all these years and having trouble conceiving but we chose to leave it and do nothing!!!
Actually I met my aunt whom I have not seen for years ...and she asks me the same stupid question ....so have you done something about it  
I get this question frequently ....and I can never find a polite answer ...or rather I feel I really want to scream and say really what do you think ??


----------



## Poppet27

I haven't read everything on here, but from what I have read it has made me smile and giggle out loud!  
My favourites from my friends and family have been -
Don't worry if you can't get pregnant you can adopt, this was from a friend who fell pregnant in her first month of trying! 
I particularly liked a friend of mine that doesn't talk to me at all about my struggles with fertility but called me crying after 3 months of trying with no luck, her baby is now 1. 
My manager also came out with a corker, when I explained why I needed time off he asked if my wedding later this year was dependant on me being able to produce a child (obviously there would be no other reason to marry me) 
Just stop thinking about it and it will happen, even after explaining my problems. Also if I had the power to stop thinking about it that would be lovely! 
My ultimate though has to be, 'oh but you are young so time is on your side' - really because I don't feel like anything on my side, and also if I had my choice (human rights and all that) I would have a child already, but I don't have that choice! 
Oh hang on I have another, when describing how with IVF I may only ever have one child, I was told to he grateful for that. That came from a mum of 3, who couldn't imagine not having a big family! 

I will stop now, thanks for making me realise I am not alone


----------



## Poppet27

Oh oh oh I have another one!

When crying to my doctor about feeling low and struggling to lose weight, she said 'how old are you, oh 27, you just some kids and then you won't have time to worry about this stuff'  this being my doctor who spoke about my infertility at the beginning of our appointment! 

That's my favourite one


----------



## BroodyChick

LADY-S!
This made me laugh so hard I choked!! You're insane! Love it - especially the 'shaving your legs' advice, LOOOLLLL!!!



Lady-S said:


> So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
> 
> 1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
> 
> 2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
> 
> 3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
> 
> 4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
> 
> 5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
> 
> 6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
> 
> 7. So&#8230; when are *you* going to start walking?
> 
> 8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
> 
> 9. But don't you *want* to walk?
> 
> 10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
> 
> 11. You're so lucky&#8230; think of the money you save on shoes.
> 
> 12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
> 
> 13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
> 
> 14. Look at those people hiking&#8230; doesn't that make you want to hike?
> 
> 15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
> 
> 16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
> 
> 17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
> 
> 18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
> 
> 19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
> 
> 20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
> 
> 21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
> 
> 22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
> 
> 23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
> 
> 24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
> 
> 25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
> 
> 26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
> 
> 27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
> 
> 28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running&#8230;


My least favourite is:
'But you're still so young!!'
Um - I am 35. Not getting younger. Been trying on and off since I was 31, now I'm not even in a relationship so it can hardly 'just happen' - these things need planning.
Also, I want to have more than one child and all I've had is 2 miscarriages.

My sister cried when our friend had a child with Down's, but all I felt was JEALOUS!

Some of my friends are older than me, some younger, but plenty don't get it AT ALL. 
It's a bit like saying to a jobless person: 'Just relax and it will happen' or: 'Just enjoy sitting at home watching TV all day'.
Um, no thanks.
If we want to achieve our dreams we have to go after them, no matter what it takes, and regardless of whether a dog or a cat may bring us some happiness instead.

As for the 'praying' comments or 'trying too hard', that really reminds me of that joke about the guy who prays to God night after night: 'Please, Lord, let me win the lottery!' after a year, the man hears a booming voice: 'So will you just go and buy an ****** ticket!!'.

Well, this is our lottery and we're buying tickets. No harm in praying but that alone won't do it!


----------



## BroodyChick

Just imagine (for those who have had unhelpful comments after a mc), saying to someone whose DH had died: 'look on the bright side, at least you know you can get married!'
Or: 'so your husband died, well it happens... Perhaps you should just get a vibrator!'

Oh - and for all you ********-phobics, there is this nifty little app you could try: http://unbaby.me xx


----------



## goldbunny

29. "WHEN you're walking, then you'll know..." (in a complaining tone...implying that walkers know everything and nobody else's experiences count at all...) 

30. My friend couldn't walk but she got a puppy and now she's really happy not walking.


----------



## goldbunny

31. just think of all the money you have saved by not walking!
32. i understand, i'm desperate to walk again, i walked all over the place with my first husband but because my second husband is in a wheelchair, i can't walk at all, so i really understand how it feels never to have walked, all i can do is play with my grandchildren, i feel so bad because i can't walk.


----------



## MovingSiren

Thank you OP for a hilarious Easter hols!
Was told 2 weeks ago, I'm infertile cos I support people being gay is it's not a lifestyle choice.
Apparently, this means I won't be a good parent hence my inability to get pregnant.
I have also been told off for wanting to adopt a baby 12 mths and below rather than above. I should take any child since I want a child. All from same person! I'll kill her soon.


----------



## duckybun

movingsiren!! you mean you havent done it already!!!! i cant believe people still think like that, please tell me this woman is at least an aged aunt who was brought up in the dark ages... I'll give you an alibi if you need it hun, totally understandable if your hand happened to slip and crack her over the back of the head

xducky


----------



## Littlecat

MovingSiren said:


> Was told 2 weeks ago, I'm infertile cos I support people being gay is it's not a lifestyle choice.
> Apparently, this means I won't be a good parent hence my inability to get pregnant.
> .... I'll kill her soon.


Do you want help? Just reading her comments I want to kill her, or at least beat her with a giant stick.


----------



## goldbunny

look i know this threatening talk is intended in jest but i'm not sure you should talk like that at all. it really might not translate well to all readers of the thread. can we stick to giving them a slap with a cold bath sponge or something?


----------



## kandykane

how about a slosh with a wet lettuce instead?   




and can I add number 33. you should stand on your head, then you'll walk, and number 34. you should try getting drunk then you'll walk easily


----------



## MovingSiren

goldbunny said:


> look i know this threatening talk is intended in jest but i'm not sure you should talk like that at all. it really might not translate well to all readers of the thread. can we stick to giving them a slap with a cold bath sponge or something?


Ok cold bath sponge in freezing weather will do as long as I can also leave them outside for 2 hours after too!
She is not middle aged at all. She is just a bit shy of 40 and unfortunately, I do have to run into her regularly...


----------



## BroodyChick

I spoke to a friend of mine on the phone for the first time since BFP/MMC/ERPC and although she was sympathetic she then went on to ask me whether I was 'maybe focusing on it all a bit too much'!
However I stayed calm and just patiently explained to her that if she wants a job (she does!) she needs to be proactive or it may never happen, same for me and my desire for children.
Not sure what she meant exactly, perhaps it was her version of saying 'just relax and it may just happen' however that's not likely with me being single and with my history.

She was certainly not being vindictive, she just doesn't get it at all.
Before tx she actually said to me last year whether I wanted to 'tie myself down with all that responsibility already' - um I am 35 not 15, and that isn't exactly young in fertility years.
She has her own cross to bear and no children of her own, happy to be in her late 40s with no responsibilities for anyone apart from her deadbeat boyfriend, so I'm not getting upset with her comments, although the lack of empathy irks me.


----------



## Crazychickenlady

"At least she knows she can get pregnant"..... Spoken by my aunt to my mother. Yup, because having miscarriages is better than nothing


----------



## BroodyChick

Crazychicken - believe it or not, there are probably ladies on this forum who envy us our mc's for exactly that reason... I am v happy to know I was pregnant twice, but friends with living babies and ongoing pregnancies just don't know how lucky they are. x


----------



## Crazychickenlady

Speaking to my best friend who has never fallen pregnant, but has never prevented it either has said she would rather be in her situation than mine. She can't imagine having all the excitement of a positive test, pregnancy symptoms ect for them to be stomped on by "mother nature"... I've wanted to die several times just for the pain to go away... It's not something to be jealous of


----------



## Crazychickenlady

That's a bit like saying to my cousin-in-law who had a stillbirth, " at least you can carry for 9 months"!! Ludicrous!!!


----------



## Cay23

I don't think it's a case of 'I've had it better/worse than you'. We're all in the same situation - we all want to hold our babies in our arms. Each and every one of us is experiencing a different journey to get there and nobody has had the same experience as the next person. But the destination is the same and that's what we should focus on and that's why we should support one another whatever we've been through and are going through.  

xx


----------



## Crazychickenlady

I agree, I hope to god no one is jealous of the fact that some women can conceive but have lost the babies... It's really nothing to want, I can assure you. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There have been time when i wished I couldnconceive, simply because I was terrified that I'd mc again. I remember after my 4th loss saying I wants all my tubes out, because I couldn't cope with anymore losses. I'm in a better place mentally now, but I don't know how I'll be if/when I mc again


----------



## goldbunny

for me (though i can see others feel differently) i'm actually glad i got pregnant and m/ced rather than just never getting pregnant... the constant just not knowing was awful, and the m/c though heartbreaking was at least allowing me to think 'well i tried'.. i hated the idea that people might think i didn't have children because i didn't like them, or didn't care enough, or was too selfish, or couldn't be bothered, or was too scared to try.. people understand m/c better than they understand the grief of not knowing... if i say 'i had a miscarriage' at least most people will get that it's a bad thing - for me, much worse is the way when you can't even get pregnant at all people keep trying to tell you things they think are putting a positive spin on it, which is just making the situation worse and demonstrating that they don't have a hope of understanding it or showing any compassion about it. I haven't told many people about my m/c, it's private, but i like knowing that i could, if i needed to. Because you can't get people to understand grieving for babies you never even got pregnant with. But they still should be here with me now! I'd have a hundred miscarriages if it meant one day of holding my own live baby.. at least then even if i died i would have been released from this wandering in the wilderness feeling. M/c doesn't scare me, but dying of loneliness and emptiness does.


----------



## Daydreamer88

I agree with you Cay, there is no point comparing, we are all here for the same reason - you put it so well I have nothing to add really other than I wouldn't say people are jealous necessarily, more the same as crazychickenlady feels about wishing sometimes that she couldn't conceive and wished to have tubes out at her lowest, there are people who are unable to conceive and gone through a lot in that way and maybe had a lot of treatment who at their lowest would rather have conceived as they feel they are a (small, very heartbreaking and devastating) step forward. I am not one of these people (yet and I hope I don't get to that very low point) but I can understand someones point of view who feels like that, just as I can understand crazychickenlady's point of view the other way around. This is a hard process to go through and as Cay says we are all on our own unique painful journey to motherhood. I personally would rather not be in this situation or have to go through a m/c or go through this and have a m/c, I would much rather get pregnant easily and have a healthy baby and I am 100% sure everyone else feels the same  

I do agree with goldbunny too, everything you said makes sense to me...one of the hardest things about infertility is the lack of support and understanding. I discussed this with my counsellor and she said this is the most common things...such a shame really!!

xxx


----------



## Guest

Hi ladies,  im glad I found this post and not the only one you feels like family & friends truely dont understand.

I have had all..., it will happen, dont worry about, are you having enough sex, are you doing in the right position, go on holiday in a hot country and stay locked in the room!

Classic's from sil - so are trying for a test tube baby coz i read about it on the internet, if only i can carry the baby for you, ahhh mum cant wait for DH to have kids (she already has a millions grandkids!!), atleast you go out (hmm no, I work full time and have a home to manage too)

Classics from MIL - was my son sperm sample ok.. I mean WTF, my sister had her first IVF last year, fell pregnant and had baby yesterday...so then i was what tests your sis and bil had, is his sperm ok, she fell pregnant so can you, it will happen....and the fact she and sils talk about our infertility behind our backs, thrusting nieces and nephews on us and saying get some practise. 

One of my friends who im not very close to seems only to text me when shes pregnant, last year her DH told my DH she was pregnant again..My DH asked them not to tell me as I was in fragile state, alot had been going on and fertility was getting me down again.  Lo and behold the following morning I received a text to say shes pregnant, i spent most of my day crying..... They both know about ivf issues so its like a rub in the face, dont get me wrong I am happy for pregnancy annoucement, but sometimes you just think 'why not me this time'!!

I think people think that as you have no kids you are lucky coz you have more money and more time!! 

Im just glad I have DH to lean on otherwise I would go crazy!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

This thread is very funny. 

My classics - Mother in law who knows (we have male factor genetic issues from her side if the family). When talking about her 7 uncles who were all married and never had children. There was none of this messing about in those day you just accepted that you couldn't have children and got on with it. My friend TTC and couldn't he husband refused to go for tests she just had to accept it. - After this speech I wasn't feeling like turning the other cheek so said..... If DH had refused I would have divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behavior. 

MIL again- while if you have to adopt (have to, no-one has a gun to our head we want to be a family) get a baby straight from the hospital. Sorry do we live in 1920 where babies are stolen on unmarried mothers and given to those that can't conceive??

Friends - It's alright for you too because you can just make plans you only have yourselves to consider. Yeah because being able to go for dinner when we want adds way more to our life than children??

Enjoy this time and do all the things you can't do when you have children. Erm that's what you do when you've been TTC for 3 months and it hasn't happened not 4 + years and failed treatment later. 

Focus on all the positives in your life - your parents love you. Let's get this straight basically what you are telling me is I need to be grateful because I wasn't abused as a child?

People always think they can't have them we had tests. Before you know it you'll be inundated with children like us You weren't infertile hence why they found a baby  at your scan. 

On learning after 3 X failed ICSI we are moving onto adoption. Oh do you not want to experience being pregnant........... How stupid of me I didn't realise adoption didn't involved a pregnancy so glad you are here to have thought it through for me.


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## Lillibut75

Oh Ladies Thank you for making me smile! So great to know people actually understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of these comments.

My funniest (and it was innocent) was my 6 year old nephew who declared " that's not a baby in your belly, that's too much cake!!!!" . Yeah, cheers for that!

Someone at work: "you're knocking on, you'de better hurry up if you want children". Hum well 8 years ago when we started trying that wasn't actually an issue.

Sometimes it's not just the things people say its what they don't. Like the silence after they ask how long I've been married (9 years) and if we have children (no). I can feel all these questions hanging in the air as to why we haven't conceived any.

Oh, finally "all you need to do is have sex at the right time. I did it with both of my children. I knew exactly when I was ovulating and told my husband to get home as soon as possible!"  Oh! So that's where I'm going wrong! The ovulation tests I spent hundreds of pounds on over the years must have been faulty.

Xx


----------



## Cay23

My 3yo old goddaughter was playing with her dolls the other day and handing me a doll said "I've got this baby. You can have a baby if you like..." The innocence....


----------



## ANGELA29A

just came across this thread, fab, 

I know im luckier that many that I have a daughter aged 12, by previous marriage IUI, byt have been on another journey, with 4 rounds IVF, with my amazing 2nd husband, desperatley wanting to add to the family, what gets me the most is " Well you have one child isnt that enough"...., and all the usual mentioned, " it will happen, just relax", "get a puppy instead," Which we have..lol.." have more  "..the list in endless..lol 

xx


----------



## Hoping14

I'm going through tx at the moment and the one I'm finding hardest is : "if its meant to be its meant to be" don't they understand that I can't think like that? That im wishing with every part of me that this works and i get my little miracle. Do they really think that if this doesn't work I am just going to say "oh well it just wasn't meant to be...."

I know people mean well but they just do not understand the magnitude of what we go through! 


Another classic is : try not to stress ! Arghhhh seriously I have nearly bitten my tongue off the amount of times I've heard that.  

Xxx


----------



## BroodyChick

What I've had today: Keep trying/have fun trying!
After I explained it was a medical process, not night after night of passion... Sadly nothing happens when I masturbate, and all the doctors tend to keep their clothes on, which takes the fun out of 'trying' somewhat!


----------



## Lil Elvis

Now that I am lucky enough to be blessed with a lovely daughter I thought that the days of being on the receiving-end of insensitive comments were behind me. Clearly not!

We were at a toddler dance/music class today when another mother asked me when I was going to have another now that Hannah is 2 1/2. I said I wasn't. Her reply was to tell me that this was incredibly selfish of me as she would grow up with all sorts of 'issues' as an only and might even resent me for it!

Believe me I had to swallow very hard before I replied that 1) as I turned 46 a couple of weeks ago and hadn't had a natural pregnancy in over 7 years, though we don't use contraception, I wasn't holding my breath for a miracle and 2) we had used an egg donor so we could spend tens of thousands on further treatment with no guarantee of success.

She just smiled weakly and changed the subject! No apology yet alone any sympathy for my situation. Fortunately another Mum whispered 'heartless, insensitive cow' in my ear and gave my hand a squeeze. If it hadn't been for her I think I probably would have burst into tears.

Just so damned annoyed that I have to 'justify' myself, my situation and the choices I have made!

Caroline xxx


----------



## BroodyChick

Lil Elvis - makes you worry for her kid though, growing up with a horrid mum like that!
At least you appreciate the little miracle you have and don't go around upsetting other people by being a clueless know-it-all. How these idiots are allowed to raise kids is anyone's guess...


----------



## duckybun

aw lil elvis, what a cow bag! I hope shes gone home and had a realy good think about her opinions and decided not to be so judgemental a bit more compassionate and understanding in future (cant believe she didnt even apologise  ).. we can live in hope, and well done for you telling her exactly how it is, kudos to you lady   

x
ducky


----------



## bundles

Oh Lil Elvis what a Feral Cheryl she was   I must be really scary as I didn't get too many comments (bizarrely mainly from my mother   ) but when people found out I was pregnant they would say "really, at your age ?" I would say, well I lost a couple, which was hard. They then looked sheepish & anyone who then said sorry I didn't know, I went on to say it's okay I only told my friends


----------



## Daydreamer88

I had some more good ones from my nan at the weekend...bless her...

_Her ' Oh it will definately happen for you one day so don't worry about it' _ 
Me 'Thank you for the positivity but unfortunately it doesn't work like that, it may never work for us'
_Her 'Well if they can get a 67 year old pregnant like I have seen on the news then I am confident they will be able to get you pregnant'_
Me 'It doesn't work like that though, that is one story you have seen- I don't think you understand it all...'
_Her ' Well I don't know, I don't understand what you have been through, I know it must be hard for you...I could be sad for you, I could cry for you but it won't change anything so I won't bother'_

Needless to say I was  and just walked out of the room!

LOL  Have to laugh I guess, what can you say to that ?!!!

It just goes to show in my mind that people have no bloody idea do they


----------



## Guest

hey ladies, i had a great one from my cousin the other day, we were talking my fertility treatment and she says 'theres no life without children'...yes thank you, ive gathered that from the past few years of ttc, its funny how ppl who know about your infertility are just as bad as those who dont!!


----------



## Nosilab

Daydreamer and Sophie    I'm speechless for you both xx


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## Mrs_Fox

Sophie, I find that those the closest to me who know the most can be the most hurtful. My brother and his girlfriend are expecting their accidental miracle in July (total surprise but we're all very excited). After a rough few weeks on the treatment front, we declined lunch at Mums with them because it would've just been too hard to sit around and talk babies all day. My mum's helpful advice was 'well you're just going to have to deal with it'. Well yes I'm fully aware of that thank you I'm delighted and very excited to meet my niece/newphew. And actually spending time with my brother and sister in law isn't the hard part, it's being around people that can't talk about anything but babies all day long! Grrr! Rant over!x


----------



## Daydreamer88

Mrs Fox...my brother and his GF are expecting their first baby in July too, but it sounds like you are coping with it much better than I am! My mum said the same thing that I have to just deal with it, she also said you can't just ignore the baby until you have one...as if I am stupid, the baby isn't even here yet and it could be a very very long time until I get one ... unfortunately people who have got pregnant very quickly have no idea and no perception of how heartbreaking it is when you can't and when you are told that you will never have children naturally 

Sophie...how insensitive of your cousin!! Why don't people think before they speak? My friend who had her 12 week scan just after my first cycle was cancelled said to me oh my gosh it is just the best feeling in the world you, you don't understand.... well obviously !!


----------



## Guest

I know it was completely insenitive, but im just fed up with people and they stupid comments I've become quite a cow!! LOL


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## Mrs_Fox

Hey Daydreamer,

Not sure if I'm coping with it, it's hard when they're buying their pram, decorating their nursery etc. I feel like a horrible cow, but I feel like it should be me. He's my baby brother and has not been with his girlfriend long, DH and I have been together for 11 years and TTC for nearly 4. Grr!

But it is what it is and we are where we are. I love my brother and his girlfriend and I know that I'm going to love this baby more than any auntie ever could. And like I say, actually being around them is fine because yes we talk about the baby, but we talk about other things too! It's just other people, even those closest to us can be so insensitive.

I guess what it has brought home to me is that no-one can understand what we go through without having experienced it. They can be sympathetic, empathetic even but they can never fully understand that every lovely pregnancy announcement is tinged with sadness because it's another person who is pregnant when we're not and they can't understand the hollowness we feel and how we wish people didn't have to think about what they say around us.

I think that's why this forum is so important. Because we all understand what each other are going through. Good luck, lots of love and baby dust to you all xxx


----------



## ScotchEgg

I've been very lucky with people through our treatment - our friends and family (who we told) have been amazing. I have heard most of them though, but mostly before we found out what our situation was and had had all the testing. I can think of a couple though that stick in my mind.

A colleague who had been married just over a year on returning from Paternity Leave: "you've been married ages, you shouldn't put off having kids too long you know, it doesn't always happen straight away. It took us FOUR MONTHS to conceive x"

And a friend who I'd told about our problems fairly early on (and who responded straight away with relax and it'll happen, thanks doc) who phoned me up at 10:30pm on New Year's Eve to tell me she was pregnant. Luckily I was in too noisy an environment to take the call so I didn't speak to her until the next day, but way to go!

The final one I'm going to say is so well-meaning it feels cruel to put it here. It hurt, but it hurt her much much more than me. It was also one of the sweetest and most loving things anyone has ever done. 

My best friend waited until our first IVF cycle to TTC a second child. She was successful first time and her EDD was 5 days after ours would have been. She told me early as it was destroying her and she felt so guilty. She was full of hope and daydreams of taking our maternity together and all that. It hurt our friendship for a long time, I couldn't hold anything against her but the guilt she held was terrible and she struggled to talk to me rather than the other way around. I love her so much for what she did, but it shows how much people think IVF is the magic pill to make it all better.


----------



## duckybun

Aww scotchegg! That story of your best friends is soo sweet and sad at the same time. I know what you mean about people thinking Ivf will just work, one of my close friends when I told her about our diagnosis and that we would have to have ivf insisted that it would work first time as she knew a couple who had ivf and had a baby. I asked her how many attempts they had and of course we didn't didn't know, when I explained the statistics and asked her if she really thought her friends would do a ring around and tell everyone about a failed attempt every time it happened she only kind of half accepted my point and still believes I'm being a pessimist!!!

As for insensitive pregnancy announcements! My sil and b got pg nine months before our wedding after we had announced the date and paid for everything and then fell out with us because we wouldn't change the date.... Didn't hear them offering to refund our non refundable 5k deposit. They havent spoken to us since..... The one thing that me and dh could do and celebrate despite our IF


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## Daydreamer88

Mrs Fox...you are right, this place is great because everyone does actually understand!

Wow duckybun...I am speechless!!   Shocking !!

xxx


----------



## susie76

hi ladies, had another good one this week.  Had to make a bit of an earlier than ideal announcement to one of my colleagues this week as we were planning a trip that i won't be able to go on and i decided it was just easier to come clean.  He congratulated me and i was trying to play it down saying well it's very early and i'm quite a complex case etc and then he said "well we have 4 kids now but if it makes you feel any better we had a few miscarriages first, all around the 12 week mark".  Uuummmm, thanks for that - no it doesn't make me feel any better/relaxed!!


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## coweyes

Im lucky enough to have a 4 week old baby after 6 years of trying.  My mil was talking about food that you have to be careful eating while breastfeeding.  She then said "o you have to be careful what medication you take, you carnt take the contraceptive pill  can you".  Im afraid that i was quite rude back, and reminded her that i would have no need to take any form of contraception, my dh was sat there sniggering to himself.  After wards he said that i was a little bruttle, but honestly i carnt help myself if your close family dont understand then what chance does anyone have of understanding!!!


Even after just having a baby people are still saying so are you going to have another, wtf! honestly i count my blessings that i have one! people are very very odd. Also it really anoyes me that society think that one baby isnt enough, and that you have to give that poor only child a brother or sister, its up to me if i try for another or not.


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## Lady-S

Ditto cow eyes. "Plans for siblings?"  Can I just enjoy my wonderful miracle. The other classic is "miracles do happen...so and so had ivf and now they're pregnant naturally". Really? Great?!?  But I have NO eggs and immune problems increasing my risk of mc. It would have to be an out and out true miracle!!! With all the medical intervention we had to get pregnant and stay pregnant nature is not on my side....

Perhaps I should just "relax". Lol

Xxxxxx

Ps Nosalib I remember you from 1st de thread. So sorry to read ur signature. Hugs ur way. Xxxx


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## ScotchEgg

"miracles do happen"

yup, but they don't happen to MOST people who need them, that's why they're called MIRACLES not NORMALS


----------



## Daydreamer88

Scotch egg, that is so true!! I have had so many people say 'oh i saw so and so on the news got pregnant when they were told they couldn't' or 'oh i saw in the paper that a woman in her late 40s got pregnant naturally, so it obviously happens all the time'

Yes but if this happened to everybody then it wouldn't be in the paper/on the news would it 

xxx


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## goldbunny

people never say 'oh i saw an astronaut in the paper so you can easily become one' or 'some woman in the news won an olympic medal for swimming so your turn will come soon'. Why is it people think pregnancy is catching? My doctor even said they had a patient who is a woman in her late 40's who was pregnant - in a tone obviously intended to be encouraging - which just sort of annoys. It makes me feel like saying 'have you any patients over 5'7" tall? - because i'd love to be a bit taller..... It seems obvious that one person's height doesn't help anyone else be taller but people keep saying things which imply that they think someone else being pregnant somehow makes it more likely i will be.


----------



## EssieJean

LOL *Goldbunny*, that is soooooo true  They say it like "well she could get pregnant, so why can't you?"

Just to put my two-penneth in - my FIL reckons maybe I should have gone to the gym during my 2ww and i should ask my doctor about that next time ?? What?? . He said i should think about our next go being our last because "you're getting abit too old" - yeah thanks for that 

Is it a generation thing, or do people really not have a clue?? 

The most upsetting one was from my dad Christmas before last, in fact just as we brought the New Year in, he said he hoped my brother would have children as that grandchild would be his "proper" grandchild.  Needless to say he has regretted saying it ever since and says it wasnt meant that way. How else could i have taken it??

Essie xx


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## Maisyz

The current one that I'm getting and I do smile (because axe murder would look bad) is "oooh Freda's second cousin adopted, she was pregnant within the year". They appear to believe that I can magically fill in a couple of forms, take delivery of some rosey cheeked orphan and then bingo the next pee stick will be positive.

I despair I really do.


----------



## BroodyChick

Goldbunny -- that thing with the height made me giggle! Yes, I mean how come my sister is skinny and I'm overweight? Doesn't this mean I should be able to get skinny too? She's never done a day's diet in her life and has never gone on a run, whereas I am a bit of a health nut...

Maisy -- yes, the adoption/pregnancy link seems to be weirdly convincing, I even read in a book about karma (how children's souls chose their parents before conception/birth) that 'people who are infertile aren't meant to have children by infertility treatment' and that often they have a natural pregnancy after an adoption. I liked that book before i came across this quote, and I wanted to burn it after I read that. I mean, come on! So many people eventually overcome IF, if they'd just given up how many kids would never exist at all!?


----------



## Maisyz

mmm indeed BroodyChick all those poor tortured little souls who just couldn't face life with us and therefore chose to be born to some drug addled whore who lets their boyfriend abuse them, it all makes perfect sense now! Who was the book published by lunaticsrus?


----------



## BroodyChick

@Maisy - it's to do with karmic journeys, those kids probably learn more from some [email protected] Wh0re than well-adjusted us...


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## Maisyz

Oh I used to be big on the karma thing, but sadly karma needs a damn good shove in the right direction usually so I'm like so over it.


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## Ivfmamma

Essie - I'm so shocked your dad said this. It is hardly your fault you have to use donor eggs, Im sad he said this, talk about make you feel even sh!tter     xxx


----------



## stacey87

Hahaha this thread is cheering me up no end,...I had one girl say to me (when she knew we was trying to conceive but not getting very far and IVF was our only option)....'why don't you try putting a tampon in as soon as you have had sex, I did that and got pregnant straight away with my son'....is she for real?! For one, would semen not just soak in to a tampon?! And for two, who the hell do you think you are?! I told everybody at work what her advice was....needless to say she was the laughing stock of my workplace. Prob abit harsh but she is forever trying to give me advice., I don't even like the girl   lol xx


----------



## coweyes

While we are on this subject is it just me who doesnt understand why some people dont believe in if treatment because they believe that the infertile should adopt?


So the argument that i have heard time and time again is that if your unable to have children naturally then you should adopt, its like we are meant to be infertile to solve the adoption problem!  But the whole argument doesnt make any sence to me, why dont other people stop at 1 or 2 children and adopt a 3 or 4 if they want more, as that would also solve the adoption problem.  On radio 2 the other day they were talking about IF issues and a lady went on to say that she felt it was selfish to have IF treatment when there are so many children that need good homes!  I wouldnt mind the argument if it makes any seance but it doesnt.  We shouldnt be made to feel as if its a problem that the infertile should solve, surely its a problem that anyone could solve!  Is it just me or do others get angry with such a stupid argument!


Hi there Nosilab, how are you doing? xxx


----------



## Seabob

Oh this thread is ace, it made me smile even thought how much it hurts, I've had it with people who say I need to not stress so much, after my ectopic my mum ended up telling the whole family so on Boxing Day I had a cousin phone up and say don't worry you can always have another one!! 
An day brother at Easter said to us all and my husband have another drink get ****** you've not got kids! ... How I bit my tongue I never know, he meant get ****** you don't have to get up in the morning plus going through treatment we had a no alcohol policy for 2 months and he knew that. 
I hate friends sending me pictures of their scans and kids it drives me crazy, and people in work says you've been married for years don't you think you should have kids by now! Twice I've had to walk off 
Why can't people just F off! Mum also said you don't want to adopt the kids will be heroine addicts ! Some people are just crazy!


----------



## EssieJean

OMG the word IGNORANT springs to mind!!! You're not on your own *coweyes* - I think it's outrageous that someone would actually say that! What about our human rights to have our own child?? My blood pressure is rising as I post 

Thanks - I've learnt to tell my parents as little as possible. I know he wouldn't hurt me for the world and probably didn't realise the impact. Didn't feel like that at the time though.

*Stacy* - your post left me stuck for words.... A tampon?? I've never heard of anything so ridiculous. How old is she, 5?? Best let her know that you can't get pregnant from a kiss quick 

Essie xx


----------



## Seabob

Oh and once my mate said I'm having another one I'm 8 weeks and we weren't really trying!!
Another friend said after she had had her little boy god if I knew if was going to be this hard I would never of had him!!
Arhhhhhh


----------



## Ivfmamma

Have you ever read the comments on the daily mail site under nhs ivf articles ?? DON'T START ME ON THE SUBJECT !!! I threatened to chop a bloke b0llocks off on there once lol bcos he put infertile women need to stop draining the nhs & get a cat to look after instead of pining for children. He got half hours worth of abuse then the daily mail deleted my comment ? what on earth for it was only the truth! I read a comment off a woman too who said if nature wont allow it stay childless ?? so I asked for her address but she didnt give me it lol, how can anyone comment on a situation they know nothing about? 

I only wish half of these would be infertile, I know they say 'I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy' but do you know what I bloody WOULD !! why should they not experience our utter misery / grief / heartbreak for a bit?? we have to deal with it so why shouldn't these 'know it alls' x


----------



## Ivfmamma

My 10 year old sister jamie is bloody brilliant, really grown up little lady, always ask me about ivf, when are they taking my eggs, when are they going back in etc.. & when she's going to have a niece or nephew, she texts me asking questions lol lol so cute, she really is my youngest best friend.

my mum takes her on the bus to school, & one morning a young girl got on with 4 kids, my mum said she wasn't a day older than 21, all her kids were scruffy & she was gobbing at them all on the bus Jeremy Kyle style. so my Jamie said really loudly 'mum, why has that girl got 4 kids when my sister can't have 1' my mum said I don't know darling it's just how the world works' so Jamie looked straight at the mum with all the kids & said yeah well the worlds just disgusting. LOL 

My mum said Jamie's hung around with me too long  Xx


----------



## bundles

Ivfmamma if FF had a 'like' button then your post would get it !! I love your little sister. Out of naive innocence comes great truth !


----------



## MovingSiren

The adoption talk makes my blood boil too! I once told a colleague who adviced me to adopt that I am not a super hero and wasn't planning to become one. She looked rather nonplussed which shows she had no idea what she saying.
Coweyes, well said!


----------



## Daydreamer88

Essie....ouch!! I can understand your dad didn't mean to hurt you and put his foot in it in a massive way!! It must have hurt though, and I think you are a much better person than me hun with being so understanding with him  

Coweyes...I totally agree that is the comment that angers me the most - infertile people are selfish as they want and try to have their own baby but fertile people aren't!!   Soo stupid and like you say, doesn't even make sense!!!! 

And don't even get me started on daily mail comments -


----------



## elli78

Had to pop back to this thread. 3 preg announcements this week..humph. dhs cousin and mil has been putting off telling us bless her. And a goodfriend who is expecting her 2nd. cant help but feel jealous that her life seems blessed in every way...however she did say she was sorry which made me feel loads worse. Am having a few days of feeling on the verge of crying at everything. .i need to get a grip methinks and banish the nasty cow thoughts. Sorry to whine. Xx


----------



## Maisyz

Oh and apparently to get over failure number 5 I "just need a good holiday", er yeah that'll do it a week in the Maldives and hell everything will be solved. Breathe Maisy, breathe


----------



## elli78

Oh maisyz if only eh. I had a friend tell me id be better to spend money on a nice holiday rather than treatment....xx


----------



## Guest

oh elli78 its soo hard when you hear about pregnancy news - it still gets me every time. I still have a cry sometimes, thinking this is something 'so easy' why cant it be me next time.  

I havent been on holiday since I started ivf 2.5yrs ago, i doubt this would make any differences!! the amount of people who told me to relax, take a break, go holiday is amazing...unfortunatley IF just totally consumes you !


----------



## Daydreamer88

Big   Elli, announcements are so hard initially aren't they  

Maisy...lol if only!! Unfortunately my Maldives honeymoon didn't cure my infertility or make me feel better about it, in fact it all got a whole lot worse after that   

We all know relaxing doesn't make you suddenly be able to conceive miraculously but as Sophie said, it's such a daft thing to say anyway!! Relaxing during this is virtually impossible as this all takes over your life doesn't it?!


----------



## elli78

you're right daydreamer its impossible to relax. 
I thought i was doing ok with everything and concentrating on my work - then my friends bfp has thrown me into a spin. I love my job but at the moment i'm just not interested at all... 
if only a holiday and relaxing did the trick! mind you a holiday would be lovely - we've not had one for a few years either - and now money is tighter than ever and we're looking to have treatment again this year... humph... xxxx


----------



## Maisyz

oh the money thing that's another corking one. Apparently if we can't afford more treatment "then how can you afford a child they cost money", OMFG. Children rarely cost £10,500 in a 10 day period. It's a good job I'm off the treatment bandwagon now or with all those hormones I doubt I'd be responsible!


----------



## barbster

I was told that if things didn't work out then I should get a "designer" dog instead. Well, I love animals and have a dog who is my world but don't think it's any consolation for not being able to have a child.


----------



## Maisyz

ah yes some people have said to me that my dog is my baby. Er no it's a dog. I honestly want to slap people who have their ickle wickle "fur babies".


----------



## elli78

Yep my nephews horrible wife says oh ur dogs are your babies..... bu**er off and take ur fertility and three kids with you miss im not even twenty two yet and never worked for anything.. gosh sorry for the outburst.. deep breaths xxxx


----------



## larka

"I read an article in the Daily Mail..." Yeah and that is the point I stop listening/walk away!


----------



## tazza_uk

elli78, sorry but I couldn't help but giggle, oh how many times have I thought that about certain people.  Im pretty sure I wont be the only one either.

Outbursts are what keeps us sane at times!

xxx


----------



## Heidi33

I'm considering co-parented when I started a new job recently I told a few of my colleaques - some very positive and supportive but a few of them (all women with kids I should add) have given me a hard time about my plans saying I'm selfish, immoral, not thinking straight etc etc and used to question me about it every time I seen them. I eventually told them I was only thinking about having a baby with my friend instead of the truth - I'm actually planning it! They haven't brought it up for months now thankfully. I am due to start a new job in a few weeks and I won't be telling anyone about my plans - I've learnt my lesson.

I have also had a few abusive comments on another general discussion website - saying I'm selfish, need therapy blah blah and they quite upset me. This site has been a total blessing, nobody judges me


----------



## Daydreamer88

Oh my gosh Heidi that's terrible...I really don't know where some people get off judging others decisions in life!   hope you gave them what for   and you are right, people n here are not judgemental like that!! 

Xxx


----------



## Heidi33

Daydreamer88 said:


> Oh my gosh Heidi that's terrible...I really don't know where some people get off judging others decisions in life!  hope you gave them what for  and you are right, people n here are not judgemental like that!!
> 
> Xxx


Thanks. I naively thought everyone would be as excited and positive as me regarding my plans but I was wrong! The most important thing is my family and friends are v supportive and that is the main thing


----------



## Nosilab

Hi Heidi

I'm still so shocked that so many people in this day and age feel they have the right to judge people, THEY are the ones being selfish, not you.  I guess at some point during our journey we've all had to learn the hard way re telling people certain things, and it teaches us not to do it again, but it shouldn't have to be that way.  People should just accept our decisions at face value and not question them, it's hard enough getting here in the first place without people judging us for something that is not our fault.  Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I'm really happy that you've made a decision on a way forward and wish you all the luck in the world    Oh, and good luck with your new job too!


----------



## coweyes

Nosilab


How are you doing? hope your well and muddling through ok   .


I think that we are so immersed in the whole world of infertility that we sometimes forget that its not actually every day stuff!  When people from my nct group start talking about how long it took them to get pregnant (generally several months) and i mention that it took me 7 years and then i tell them about having treatment, i can see that they obviously dont have a clue.  It reminds me that we carnt presume that others do understand! Its sad but its true, iv tripped up many times when i have told people who have turned around and thrown it back in my face.  xxx


----------



## Nosilab

Hi Coweyes

I'm not too bad thanks, just about muddling through    Hope you're doing ok? xxx


----------



## Heidi33

I know it may be hard for people to understand but to give me a hard time just isn't fair! Hiow would they like to be 37 and still single AND broody? It's no fun!

One of their arguments against co-parenting is that the father would lose interest once he met a partner but 2 of these women have seperated from their husbands due to the husbands being unfaithful and this has resulted in a lot of strife for their children - at least i wouldn't have to content with issues like this; when i pointed that out to them they weren't happy!


----------



## BroodyChick

Haha Heidi, good reply! X


----------



## goldbunny

yeah i think co-parenting is a lot like just skipping to the 'divorced' part without all the arguing first... i don't think it's ideal but there are a lot of worse situations and in these modern times flexibility is key really because all families are different, people have to make the best of the situation they are in.


----------



## goldbunny

and being a first time mother at 43 isn't ideal either but i am praying that i get to do just that!


----------



## Moonshadow_73

After the recent miscarriage my colleague asked if I'd have to have a D&C, that if I did I'd be super fertile afterwards. Erm no, we're having IVF, there is no way in the world I'll ever be super-fertile (her sister had 9 rounds of IVF/FET so I really thought she might get it). I didn't response, I know she's desperately trying to say something helpful but I think she failed on a fairly epic scale with that one...


----------



## goldbunny

yeah cause if it was that easy we'd all just line up, get our d&c done and hey presto - no need to even invent ivf.


----------



## hopefulheart

Here's another little gem....

(person speaking is a man from Cameroon).  "Most men can have children.  In Cameroon, if you can't have children you just get another wife"

For a start, our infertility is male factor, so DH replacing me with another wife is hardly going to improve the situation.  Thanks for the helpful advice!


----------



## MovingSiren

Hopefulheart I am from West Africa and I can totally relate. It is never the man's fault, always the woman's!   What annoys most is when what they say things that even they know are scientifically inaccurate!


----------



## chabelovsky

Oh my - so glad I found this thread! I started a post as I've been reeling from some very strange things that a close friend has said since I started my ivf journey.

When I first told her that my partner and I were going to start fertility tests as there seemed to be a problem she skipped straight past any "sorry to hear that, tell me about it, how do you feel" and straight to "well i'd consider being a surrogate - I think I'd quite like to be pregnant again, just wouldn't want to have another child". Wow, that was quite odd - perhaps I want to experience pregnancy and carry my own child? 

Next when I texted her after being distraught by my awful ovarian reserve results she texted back with "I think you should speak to your sister now and talk to her about donating her eggs to you". Thanks for that - ever thought that perhaps I'd like to try with my own. Very pragmatic though! 

Next time I saw her and told her about the next stages of starting ivf she again cut me short and told me about a web site she had found with donor eggs....

I told her quite clearly I wanted to have a child with my own eggs (or at least give it a damn good try!) and yet she seems to have blocked ears or a thick head as next time I saw her she  brought up the donor eggs several more times - sending me a link to a website, and then following up to ask if I had looked at it after she'd made time out of her busy working mother schedule to research this for me...


----------



## MovingSiren

chabelovsky - Oh dear! She probably thinks she's being helpful. I would stay away from her for my own peace of mind. I'm completely going   at the moment so imagine how bad it'll be to contend with selective hearing! 

Hugs to you


----------



## hopefulheart

MovingSiren - I'm sorry you have to put up with such...... misunderstanding  

Chabelovsky - Personally I wouldn't bother talking to this friend of yours about your ivf journey - it is difficult enough as it is.  It sounds like you are talking to a brick wall, and she will never understand.


----------



## BroodyChick

Chabelovsky - some people will just NEVER get it.
I think it's a long journey from IF investigations to asking your sister...!? I could never do that, especially as I know how OHSS can incapacitate you for months.

My latest gem:  Following some issues with my co-parent (who I've known for 2 years and felt I know better than some friends I didn't meet online), a friend said 'I just find the whole donating thing weird, I just think its better to go or have a donation from someone you are actually in a relationship with rather than just friends especially for something so huge as having a child.'

MAYBE... But - I am NOT the one getting married, and haven't been in a relationship since 2011 so that is unlikely to change! Especially as I now have 3 embryos created from that donor, I am hardly going to discard them and start the dating game from scratch...!?


----------



## Sjhansf

I love this thread - thank you for posting.

I've heard all of the above as well as more

'If you just stop trying, it'll happen'

'I'm not sure those tests are any good, if it's meant to be it'll happen' 

And then since sharing with close friends and family that we're going through IVF

'This is your time, it'll work first time, I just know it'

'So when do you think you'll know if you're pregnant?'

They are all well meaning supportive friends and family so I shouldn't make fun but I agree with IVFMamma you have to ignore or else you'd go insane

Keep smiling ladies xx


----------



## elli78

I may have posted this here before on this thread so apologies if I have but the one that bugs me, and this was about 18 months ago was my boss (before I confessed about our treatment) 
was I don't believe in infertility people just need to have more sex.... how I didn't explode I will never know. 
in fact I think I ranted to my poor DH when I got home... 
he does put up with a lot.... -) 
xx


----------



## BroodyChick

Just wanted to share about a phone call with a friend that upset me today.
I called this girl because I'd not heard from her for a while, and she'd also missed the drama with my miscarriage, ERPC and hospital stay for ovarian torsion and cysts.
After chatting to her for a while about her job, trips away and general business at the moment, she asked how I was. I said I was feeling better and going on holiday soon. 
Then she said: 'Weren't you, like, half pregnant or something?' She knew I was having a baby, as I'd told her in February when we last spoke. And how can anybody be HALF pregnant!? I really have no idea how she meant that, and was quite speechless.
Then I told her: 'Yes, I was pregnant. I lost the baby at 10 weeks.'
And to that, she didn't say 'I'm sorry', didn't express her sympathy in any way other than to say 'Oh dear' or something like that, she never even said what a shame it was to lose the baby after all I'd been through. She thought to ask who the father was which again really surprised me, as it seemed less important in the circumstances (and she knew about my co-parenting journey as far as I am aware) but it just showed me how far removed she is from my life, from IF, from caring, and the whole episode made me feel rather deflated.
I was more sad for her really as she seems so wrapped up in her own little world she has no time or thoughts for friends in times of crisis; ironic really as the reason I phoned her was that I was worried she may be depressed again as I'd not heard from her for so long. 
Turns out she's quite happy, really, and content with being ignorant and uncaring towards her friends...


----------



## Mrs_Fox

Broodychick, I have a friend just like that! She professes to be one of my best friends, yet she wasn't around for most of last year when we started on our treatment journey going through all the horrible tests, failed treatments etc because she was planning her wedding and didn't want anything to burst her bubble - her words!

I wasn't able to go to her full hen do as we had treatment on the Thursday before (it was a weekend in Longleat Center Parcs) so instead of going down for the whole weekend, I drove all the way from Cardiff to spend the day with her on the Saturday and then drove back. My DH was horrified and worried about me the whole time, especially so soon after treatment. She wasn't grateful that I'd made the effort, she was angry with me because I hadn't attended the whole weekend.

She then got married at Christmas after another BFN for us and a surprise pregnancy announcement from my brother and his girlfriend, so i was feeling pretty fragile so she completely steered clear of me for the whole time and then after the wedding said 'You were quiet at the wedding' in quite an accusatory tone - I'm sorry, it had been a tough Christmas and I was doing my best!!

Suffice to say I haven't seen her since then, but she was out for my brother's birthday on Friday and as we're now starting our IVF journey she proceeded to grill me in front of the whole table about the various intimate processes of the treatment, wanting every scrap of detail. And then proceeded to tell me there was no way on earth that me or my sister in law in her advanced and uncomfortable pregnant state are an advert for pregnancy or would be able to persuade her to have a baby. Well thank god for that hey?!

So I totally get the insensitive 'friend' thing and to be honest I think one of the things this journey teaches you is exactly who your friends are. My real friends are gentle, sympathetic, none probing, don't say inappropriate things and just let me know that they are there for me if I want to talk, they are there for me if I just want to cry or get drunk and they're my friends no matter what. And I'm so thankful every day for those people.

Good luck xxx


----------



## BroodyChick

Hi Mrs Fox - thank you for your kind words and feedback, your friend sounds like a right cow.
I have a feeling that my friend has put some kind of a shield up, she's long-term single and older than me, and seems to think that her baby plans will just happen naturally once she decides to put them into action/found a guy/whatever.
So perhaps she is unable to react in a more emotional way as it cuts close to the core for her too.
As for your friend, I sincerely hope that she discussed her aversion to babies and pregnancy with her hubby before she married him, or there could be some disasters in store for them...

I also got the impression my friend was avoiding me this year - after all why wasn't it HER who called ME to see how I am doing? Clearly she doesn't even know a person cannot be 'half-pregnant' so perhaps she was biding her time until I gave birth. Weird.
Some other friends (including currently pregnant ones, who in the past I'd have avoided like the plague) have been super supportive, so I will stick close to them in future.

Oh - and as for your 'grilling' experience, just why would anyone think that what you discuss with them in private makes good dinner party conversation!? Another friend quizzed me during my pregnancy when we were having a meal with her boyfriend and a male friend of mine (who didn't know I was pregnant) what foods I was 'allowed to have' and which food was out.
My male friend was confused, so I had to tell him (prematurely) that I was expecting, which is now an awkward thing between us as at some point it will be clear that I lost the baby and I don't know when he will ask me about that. A bit of sensitivity would be nice sometimes...


----------



## Mrs_Fox

Thanks BroodyChick. I would agree with you, she is a right cow! For a while I worried that it was me devoting too much of my life to TTC and being a bore, but I've come to the conclusion that she's no friend of mine!

Sounds like you're right about your friend. I think a lot of people just assume that pregnancy will happen for them when they're ready. They don't realise that it doesn't work like that for some of us.

I'm sorry about your dinner party experience, how awful! It does make you not want to trust anyone with the information really doesn't it? My mother in law thought our IF was suitable doorstep gossip fodder! She was surprised by how upset we were!

I think that's why I joined this site really, because you really can't understand unless you've been through it yourself can you? 

Good luck and sticky babydust to you xxx


----------



## SLW1710

Haven't been on this board for a while so apologies if someone has already posted this but I think this just about sums it up!! I'm sure we've all experienced one or more of these things being said to us. Plus it's quite amusing too:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-kozak/10-things-not-to-say-to-someone-going-through-fertility-treatments_b_3131800.html

/links


----------



## Keeping busy

Great link, got some friends I could send that one to, oh and plenty more I could add!


----------



## Roygbiv

Loved that link. Actually managed to LOL. Although its actually quite sad. 

With the last one (just relax) its even doctors who have said this to me. 

As for unideal things said, my mum 4 days ago said something quite silly. I have an almost 2 year old. Was going through her baby things to give to charity. She came across milk storage bags and carried them around with her for days. She left some at my mum's. When I went back my mum handed them to me and said "I didn't throw these away as you may actually get to use them one day". Now, it is by no means the worst thing any one has ever said, but if my own mum is that insensitive what kind of hope do I have that anyone else will 'get it'?!?!


----------



## Daydreamer88

Had a couple more recently...

From very pregnant work colleague/friend

'Don't worry, I just know that by the time you are 40 you will have at least 1 baby of your own' ....not helpful whatsoever!! That is over 15 years away and we are already on our 3rd cycle...i dont have a never ending pot of sanity or money thank you very much!!! she got pregnant after 5 months and she was going crazy for those 5 months trying so no idea why she thought it was a good idea to say this when we have been trying for nearly 6 years!!!!!!

In same conversation another colleague joined in 'well at least you have a husband, don't focus on what you don't have - so what if you don't have a baby,  I don't even have a husband' hmmm well you could have had 1 but you openly admit only a doctor or lawyer is good enough for you, any other man is not good enough. You could have married someone like my husband and had a family but you didn't want to. I have no choice in this!!!!!! Although I have to say this particular person has made very similar comments to a colleague who just lost her husband, so I won't take that one too serious!!


----------



## bambibaby12

I had a corker and actually from a family member whom was the only one I'd confided in... 

She actually said to me... "well I don't know who u get it from, can't be any of our genes, it must be from your dads side".... (so from this I will explain, I'm an only child from my dad who I dont see and my mum, her sister and my gran on my mums side have 4,2 & 4 kids respectively).... Yup. That one hurt!! Oh and my little brother, (not the same dad)., is only 22 and he has a little girl... I am officially "the barren one"....


----------



## goldbunny

but you know for a fact all your ancestors had children, or you wouldn't be here. there would be no sense in 'failing to have chidren' being an inherited trait, since how...?


----------



## bambibaby12

Think I'm intelligent enough to realise that thanks... The point of this thread is to list the inane & insensitive thing ppl say. Not comment on the legitimacy of what they say


----------



## Maisyz

Actually and rather laughably infertility can be genetically passed on! Me for example a genetic disaster zone with PAI whatever it is and whatever the other bobbins thing I have which means I'll either have fail to implant or miscarry. My extended family breed like there is no tommorrow as well if that helps bambibaby. I hate that word barren, I've been called it too. We have to laugh bambi or else we go bonkers , take care hun


----------



## bambibaby12

Thanks Maisyz  it is all water of a ducks back now anyway, I'm at a stage where it doesn't bother me anymore & I've heard every cliche going as I'm sure u have too. 
Read ur sig & sounds like uve had a right tough ol time! Hope things work out for you whichever path you decide to take,   xx


----------



## Maisyz

Thanks Bambi, I know what you mean, I just adopt a sort of blank look and don't reply these days, unless I'm on form where I tell people I don't have kids as I was once a bloke (someone on here suggested that it's great a showstopper!. I am off on the road to adoption now, not for everyone I know but seems absolutely the right thing for us. I will be someone hopefully two little someones mummy one day) x


----------



## bambibaby12

I love that one!! I may need to pinch that line one day!! Would love to see someone's face when they heard that 

I think adoption is an amazing thing to do and I know that if I fail to get pregnant after a few more ivfs then that's the road I would take. 

Wishing u lots of luck on the adoption path and you will be an amazing mummy!! Xx


----------



## yogabunny

oh god back from family bbq, with distant relatives all with many kids. so many remarks on "bet this put you off kids", "when you are a parent" "as a parent you really feel <insert something that i won't understand as weird woman with no kids>".... yes i know i am not in your club  
but still i won't tell the truth to these people as those remarks are easier than the infertility comments... x


----------



## Mrs_Fox

Snap! Bank holiday barbecue with friends yesterday and had many of the same helpful comments!x


----------



## elli78

Snap had exactly that yesterday..... so glad to be home for a gud cry xxx


----------



## yogabunny

oh mrsfox and eli, i'm sorry you had same experience, but am selfishly glad i am not alone and you can understand   xx 
i find it hard amongst extended family as they are all so perfect, no disfunctional family units there, everyone is so well behaved, goes on and on about their achievements etc and now it is their growing broods.... i always felt like the rebellious black sheep growing up and now it is like my body is rebelling too!


----------



## tinkerbell24

Hi ladies ive also had some really annoying comments even from my own family!! Im the kind of person to just smile and grit my teeth and go mad later   so far ive had "its not the end of the world "   ive had "your still young plenty of time" " youve got a kid" i know that and im very lucky as people have none but and this remark just makes me feel guilty, and the most hurtful one which was by MY OWN MUM was " its been 3 years since youve lost baby its time for people to forget and stop dragging it out youll be having ivf soon" worst of all it was on what would have been my angel babys birthday. I was sooo upset. I find majority of these people that say these jave more kids than they deserve or just have no idea whatso ever how loosing a baby and infertility is x


----------



## BroodyChick

I've had some real corkers from a 'friend' recently. I am now keeping my distance from this girl for a bit.

After telling her the other week that I'd been having some problems with my intended CP (co-parent), she basically looked at me like I'd gone mad and then said 'Yes, but that's all over now with him, isn't it?' I had to explain that no, since my embies are 50% made out of his DNA, my best chance for a bio child would still mean involvement with him despite my m/c this year.

She then replied: 'Well if that was me, I would adopt' - um, really? Never meet your own biological children and take on someone else's (potentially damaged) child? I have also looked into adoption, but it's not quite as simple as that, is it, and for me it would only come after I'd used up those embryos and all other options available to me (I won't have IVF again).

It really annoyed me and I changed the subject as we were having this exchange in the street and there wasn't the time to go into a 'bio child+pregnancy vs. adopted child' debate.

Then last week an incident happened that really pushed me over the edge where this friendship is concerned. Let's just say this lady isn't very discreet or diplomatic. We were having lunch with one of her friends (who I'd just met 10 minutes before) and she proceeded to question me on a personal issue. I replied that I wasn't comfortable discussing this in front of her friend, who I don't know.
I also said it reminded me of another time, where we had dinner with an acquaintance of mine (who wasn't aware I was pg at the time) and she interrogated me on what I could, or couldn't eat. [Back then his ears pricked up and he asked me why I had these dietary preferences - so I had to tell him I was 6 wks pregnant, which is too early for me to tell anyone who's not a close friend and didn't know about my time in hospital. He still doesn't know about my miscarriage, so it's doubly awkward and upsetting.]
So I wanted her to know she was making me feel uncomfortable (again) and this wasn't something I wanted to discuss in front of her friend. She then layed into me, hissing at my face that I was being unfair pulling her up on this, and she said, very loudly, in reference to the previous occasion: 'Broody, you were PREGNANT...!' to which I replied: 'Yes I was, and I had a miscarriage, now you two enjoy your afternoon, I am out of here'.
I picked up my bag and walked out of the restaurant. I havent' been in touch since, she clearly doesn't understand when she is out of line.

Hopefully her friend pulled her up on her despicable behaviour. How dare she make a spectacle of my personal life for the benefit of her friend, or mine for that matter. Nasty.


----------



## ANGELA29A

Oh know o, what a nightmare, good for you to get up and walk out, dont think she'd ever be my friend again, this is all hard enough, without those sorts of comments, big hugs to you xx


----------



## Froggy82

My personal favourites : Life works in mysterious ways, God will surprise you when you least expect it. You want things too fast, be patient.  
And it comes from people who mean well but just can't understand. 
I go to body combat release the anger...


----------



## BroodyChick

I actually now believe myself that you just cannot plan a baby. They plan themselves.
So whenever and whichever way they appear is totally not up to us. I have now tried everything and given up 'planning' and thinking about it too much, as the outcome will be the same.
I do believe we have to TRY everything available to us, which is what I am doing, but I also feel utterly helpless at all the failures I have been faced with on my journey. Who knows when or how I will be a mummy, but I am not having other people make me feel bad about my choices.


----------



## Mooncat

Something happened to me today and now I don't know if I being unreasonable...

A close friend of mine (Friend A) moved to Sydney five years ago, we communicate a lot by email, skype etc. Another friend and ex-colleague of mine (Friend B) moved to Sydney just after, and I put them in touch. They've become quite friendly and see each other regularly. Friend A knows all about my situation in quite a lot of detail, and she's been very supportive along the way. But she just sent me a message saying that she'd seen Friend B, they were talking about me, and Friend B sends a big hug. I'm pretty certain this means they've been talking about the IVF and my fertility issues generally. 

I feel quite annoyed and upset about this. I've never explicitly asked Friend A not to discuss it with anyone, but I suppose I thought it went without saying. I've never mentioned ANY of it to Friend B . Now I feel a bit like I'm being gossiped about, and I'm concerned that Friend B also won't realise it's not for public discussion and will tell other friends mutual friends over here, who she keeps in contact with. 

I've sent a reply to Friend A, not sounding angry at all, but possibly sounding a bit hurt, explaining that I don't really want everyone knowing. I said I hadn't told Friend B anything, and that I hoped Friend B wouldn't pass it further. I explained that it's very personal and it's often easier if people don't know.

She hasn't replied. I'm disappointed about this, as I thought Friend A was one of the few people I could rely on. But equally, we often discuss personal matters of other people, so I don't know whether I'm being unrealistic and unreasonable. I definitely don't want to fall out about it, but I couldn't not say anything. It's all so hard


----------



## goldbunny

sorry mooncat it's unlucky but that one you brought on yourself by introducing them without laying explicit ground rules down. It would be very easy for friend A to assume friend B knew...you weren't there and don't know how the conversation went but it is very very easy for one thing said to lead to another and for these things to unravel.. I really think you can't blame friend A.. it's fine to warn them both now that you'd rather it didn't go further but nothing you can do to put the cat back in the bag and pointless dwelling on it now.   I'm sure you're worried about friend B talking to your current colleagues/local friends about it and it's fair enough to say that you know they know and will they please respect your privacy..   have some chocolate and move on from thinking about it. 
I've been in a situation where some information was almost tricked out of me by someone making out they knew about something they didn't... they got me so convinced they already knew that I 'accepted the premise' of something they said and then after that was unable to go back and deny their assumptions... suffice to say I was 'quite cross' with the person who tricked it out of me but at the same time I thought well lesson learned there. Friend A could have easily been in a similar position and there's no way to know. 
Friends being friends of friends is always a bit awkward and likely to mean someone somewhere is being left out or feeling jealous.. maybe (ok i'm making a massive assumptive leap here and if i'm wrong I apologise unreservedly) you're slightly feeling left out that these two are now buddies in oz and you can't be a fly on the wall or join in... I know I would feel like that anyway... it's like being left out of a party invite... even when you couldn't go anyway you can still feel a bit miffed that you're not included. Anyway if there are any of those feelings kicking about maybe that makes it seem worse... best take a deep breath and forget about it.


----------



## MandyPandy

I had a similar thing so can entirely sympathise.

I'm originally Australian but now live in the UK.  DH is English.  I had told my oldest friend over there about our issues at a time when we were only telling our nearest and dearest (she was one of only four people who knew - and she knew this).  

DH and I then went over on holiday to get away from it all and while we were at a different friend's house, another friend who also happened to be there, yells out (while we were all sitting around the table chatting) - 'So I hear you can't have kids - sorry about that.  Why can't you?  What's the problem?'

I was mortified.  We had MF issues at the time and poor DH didn't know where to put himself as it was the first time he'd met these friends of mine.  Turns out my oldest friend had turned around as soon as I'd told her and told everyone else.  Nice.


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## Mooncat

Goldbunny, I agree. I don't blame Friend A, as such, I didn't explicitly say don't tell anyone, and like I say, we've talked about personal stuff of other people including Friend B, so what did I expect? I'm just surprised and it's made me feel vunerable right when I don't need to. But you're right, I will make sure both of them know that I don't want it to go any further. I actually don't mind Friend B knowing about the IVF generally, I suppose it's not knowing how much she's told her that's getting to me. I've told Friend A a lot of embarrasing medical detail and shared a lot of the emotional stuff. That's what I wouldn't want to go any further. 
I know what you mean about feeling left out, but in this case I don't and never have, possibly because I've never been that close to Friend B, possibly because they're so far away. I don't know, but I never feel any jealousy of their friendship like I sometimes do with other mutual friends. 

Mandy Pandy, that's kind of what I'm now worried about. To me, it goes without saying that it's really personal and shouldn't be passed on, but I'm now wondering if I've made a massive error by not making that clear to the friends I have told. I think I'll be checking with all of them later! Sorry to hear what happened to you, how did you handle it with your friend?


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## Mooncat

I'm also put out that Friend A has read my message but hasn't replied. If she says I'm sorry, she didn't realise she didn't know, didn't realise you weren't making it so public, or even she just didn't think, I'd move on from it. But she's gone silent. Hope she responds soon...


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## MandyPandy

Re: what happened with me, I simply said it was all a bit personal and I'd rather not talk about it but suffice it to say, it was all very difficult.  I then made a mental note to never tell my oldest friend anything personal again. I guess she just assumed that as I live in the UK it would never be an issue and she could talk about it to everyone... even though she knows I'm home at least once a year!

Your friend will probably be upset to know she's unintentionally upset you.   It might just be taking her a little while to formulate a response that isn't going to upset you further.   It's definitely worth telling people that they are on pain of death if they breathe a word to anyone else.  It is horrible as you would assume that it goes without saying that something so deeply personal and upsetting to you would not need a warning and it is even more upsetting to know that it is just taken with a pinch of salt by someone else but unfortunately it's better to be safe than sorry and give them the warning anyway.


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## BroodyChick

MandyPandy - I would have been mortified. Your poor DH, and what a conversation stopper! Just where do these people learn their manners!?? Unbelievable. You must have bitten your tongue so hard not to say anything sarky.

Moon-- I believe both your friends genuinely care about you, and your friend A was probably sensitive when introducing this subject to Friend B, but she wouldn't have known how close you are to Friend B. If you were really unhappy about her sharing this with anyone, you should probably have made it clearer to her when you introduced them. Since they are both your friends, of course they would speak about you, and share their concerns... I understand it feels uncomfortable, but I hope it will bring you all closer. Sometimes we get support from unexpected sources.

As for my 'friend', she meant to work on a job I suggested her for, but I am now really uncomfortable about her being involved in the project (it's just for one day but working together closely) and I have told the 'project leader' as much.
It's unpaid, but I just can't believe she'd think she would still be welcome to participate after her unbelievable insensitivity and rudeness.

Shall I contact her about it?


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## leb84

Some1 said to me after my first failed cycle at least you have not got cancer!! How sad to compare it to cancer. Some1 also said its not a god given right to have children so the nhs should not fund ivf treatments! The 'just relax' 'forget about it it will happen' and 'focus on something else it will happen' wind me right up. Family can be the worse. xx


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## Mooncat

Mandy Pandy, knowing my friend I think you’re probably right. And given that she lives in Sydney, she’ll be sleeping now! I'm sure I'll hear from her soon. 

Broody, I think you’re right too. I definitely don’t think it was malicious, I think it was done with perfectly good intentions, like I say, it just makes me feel vunerable and wonder exactly how much she’s been sharing. I introduced them just around the time we starting TTC, so there wasn’t anything to ask her not to discuss at that point! But I’ve told Friend A how I feel and I’ll ask Friend B not to discuss it with anyone else. 

I am also going to approach everyone I’ve told though, and say I’m not sure if I’ve made it clear but I told them in confidence and don’t want it to go any further. Hopefully avoid this happening again!


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## MandyPandy

Broody - It was pretty bad as my oldest friend knows full well that our other (mutual) friend has a massive gob on her and is completely and utterly tactless.  All I could think about was protecting DH so it wasn't too hard not to bite back.

Sorry to hear about the job situation with your friend.   I'd definitely tell her how you feel.


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## MandyPandy

Mooncat - it does surprise me when people don't appreciate how sensitive an issue it is and they need telling.   I hope it gets sorted out soon.


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## yogabunny

hello mooncat - sorry to hear this....to be honest I have told only a few people so I expect those that know to be confidential about it, but I am guessing that some or all of them could have chatted about it to people. So like you, I guess I need to be very clear in future and go back to a few people.

I'm sure your friend will understand, like mandypandy says she may not understand how personal and private it is, as it is only us that do.... and as ever they only want to support you.... 

I think there is something weird about being overseas, especially when you are what these 2 friends have in common, that things do get talked about that would not be discussed normally. I knew so much that was going on in my Uk friendship groups when I lived in australia, people seem to forget and tell you everything as you are removed.... forgetting that you are also in touch with everyone else....

I think you are doing the right thing. x


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## Mooncat

Thanks Yogabunny, haven’t seen you about much lately, hope you’re doing ok?

I think you're right about the overseas factor, I do think that plays a part. Like I say, it’s her knowing we’re having IVF I’m sensitive about really (although it’s certainly not common knowledge.) It’s the stuff I’ve told my other friend, things I’d only otherwise say on here, or to DH or my mum or one other friend. But chances are she hasn’t shared any of that, I’m just being paranoid now. And I can politely ask the second friend not to share about the IVF with any of our old colleagues.

As ever, grateful for everyone’s replies and you’re all talking a lot of sense. I’m now feeling like I definitely brought it on myself, and it’s a blessing that it happened. It’s not the end of the world, and it means I can do something about it before anything worse happens!


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## yogabunny

hi mooncat, things have been crap in yogabunny land, but getting better every day. 
don't be too hard on yourself, i think we just forget that it should need to be said, as it seems so obvious to us. But i'm sure she has probably shared very little... x


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## Mooncat

Oh Yogabunny, so sorry to hear things have been crap   Glad that you say things are getting better each day, you've had one horribly tough year lady, and you've dealt with everything so well. Look after yourself xxx


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## BroodyChick

leb84 - how odd to compare your condition with cancer... and quite insensitive in my opinion.

May I just add (in case this helps discussion with your friend) that women with infertility problems do indeed have stress levels comparable to those suffering with cancer, or HIV...


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