# please help me I don't know how to move on



## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

I haven't posted on FF for a while every since we decided to give up on IVF but 
i desperately need to talk to people who understand and can help me ...we had only had one unsucessful tx before we moved to the ARGC and after four months of failed FSH tests I finally managed to get under the magical 10 only to then find out that I had released a follicle mega early and so could not start after all.  This I found absolutely devastating as it seemed the rules were constantly changing all the time and although we had only had the one previous attempt I had also had five years where I had had an ectopic two cancer scares three major ops and my mum dying and basically I was emotionally drained. My lovely husband came home from work the night we had had the last bad news and said he had had enough seeing me constantly struggling to get myself over something or recovering from something only to be kicked down again.  He said I was everything he wanted and he was happy without children and didn't wnat to do IVF or anything that did not have a guaranteed outcome anymore.  

So we decided to stop and not even to pursue adoption or anything for a year to give ourselves time. and I have thrown myself into starting my own business...

But I feel so so sad all the time that I can't give him a baby he is the most wonderful kind caring person and although he says he does't want a baby I have seen the longing in his eyes he is also younger than me and I worry he is going to leave me for someone else.....

I cannot deal with pregnant women I can't look at them cos I feel I want to scream.......A girl in work who use to be a good friend got me inthe office one day around about the time we decided to stop and said she was pregnant but was dreading telling me cos she didn't want to hurt me I was horrified that I could spoil her news like that and reassured her but have hardly spoken to her since.  A few days later another one announced her pregnancy and I found it so hard everyday, just before xmas I came home and broke down and cried saying I could not face them everyday, my husband was so kind and comforting and told me to pack my job in....but I fractured my back in the new year so will be off work for some time and will not have to face them....I was actually pleased I had fractured my back can you believe how sick that is??

Anyway last week my DH's brother rang to invite us over to his house last night (he left his wife and four children last year to move in with someone with three kids of her own) they don't have much but have done their place up a bit. We went over there to give them some support and make his girlfriend feel more part of the family and to meet her family....

Her sister has had two kids in 18 months and the conversation quickly moved to babies, I tried to smile and not let it bother me when they then started talking about child birth and her mum and her sister said they were both going to be there when she had the one she is carrying and then the penny dropped or should I say the thunderbolt hit and I realised these people who have seven kids between them were having another one and I felt so stunned to be sitting there  hearing what I was hearing.

But worst was to come, my DH could see I was getting upset and said to go out to the kitchen and I asked if he knew and he said no (and I do believe him) and it doesn't effect us so let them get on with it... I said I could not handle it and (my up until now understanding DH) said something like 'here we go!! (as if I am always getting upset and I am not apart from the one occasion  I have mentioned) and so I walked out the front door to get some air, but I could not stop crying so I carried on walking with no coat and no money I found myself outside a chinese takeaway who ordered me a cab (cos by that time I was in such a state that I couldn't go back), so I went home.  I didn't know my brother in laws number to let my DH know where I'd gone so I borrowed the cab drivers phone and phoned my mother in law and told her where I was, it was quickly apparent she knew about the news but not once did she think to warn me as in her words it wasn't her news..............I couldn't believe that a relativ stranger in my office had thought about my feelings before my own family

I got home and went to bed and my DH came in on the phone to someone looked in the bedroom and said the 'soppy cow' is in bed and shut the door. He never once came in slept in the spare room and when I got up this morning he had gone.  His phone has been switched off and he hasn't taken his keys and has taken £400 and I haven't heard a thing all day. 

I was worried sick cos he had an abuse problem a few years ago and has not had any relapses for about three years, but I know what he has gone out to do....

I know that my IF is not what has caused him to go on a bender as I know enought about addiction to know that this is not my fault but I am sitting here feeling totally bereft and cannot believe the past 24 hours when we were so happy.

I spoke to my MIL this morning and asked her why she didn't tell me that surely after all my ops and failed tx she knew how sad I was and someone should have warned me and I was told by her that they did not know how to handle 'women like me' and I need help.  I don't need help I need understanding and time but she said I had to accept that people do get pregnant and when they do they will be happy and not think about my feelings.  Even my sister (who was hopping mad about whats happened) said that I will have to come to terms with my decision cos I cannot avoid pg women and I will have to accept that this may happen again p and I obviously haven't come to terms with giving up, but how can you My MIL says my DH just doesn't know how to make me happy, he cannot seem to get through to me how much he loves me and it doesn't matter.

But I do know how much he loves me truly I do and because I love him so much thats why it hurts not to be able to experience the ultimate expression of love, but as much as I love him I am just so incredibly sad all the time and I feel totally heartbroken.

I dont know how to move on, I know I have to accept our decision, I am 43 and time has simply run out, the odds of IVF working were so stacked up against me and as I couldn't even jump the first hurdle what chance did I have of it being a success so I had to admit defeat we both did for the sake of our relationship, but how do I cope with my anger and hurt toward those lucky enough to experience a BFP? How do you get rid of the sadness and be happy and content with what I have?

I love my DH so much and I want to be as happy as I use to be when I lived with the hope of a baby, now my hope has gone it seems my heart has broken with it.

How do I move on??


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## Bunjack (Nov 30, 2005)

Oh Crocodile!  

I have no idea how you move on from all that - bless your cotton socks!

All the thoughts you are having are perfectly normal and its definitely not fair! 
Getting upset about others pregancy - perfectly normal.
Glad to hurt back - perfectly understandable.
Walking out today - perfectly reasonable.

Relatives / friends not knowing how to deal with you is also perfectly common. 

I'm sure DH will return soon and I hope you can both have long chat and put this weekend behind you - your relationship is much stronger than that - he's probably gutted too but doesn't want to show you in case you think he'll leave you. I'm sure thats not on the cards!

I'm sorry I don't have any answers other than you are normal and hang in there sweetie - it'll get better. 

take care (and think of the football result yesterday   !!!!)

Bethan x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi croc

firstly you need one of these : 

sorry you are having to go through this 

With regards to moving on I look at it as  more of an acceptance of the situation we have found ourselves in. I think IF becomes part of who we are and i think we just learn to accept that it is and has been part of our lives. Thats not to say it will always be at the forefront of our minds but just that it is a part of us. 
IF is also something i dont think you can comprehend or truly understand unless you have been through it, however good our friends and families are , they can never fully understand, which of course is no ones fault.
I hope your dh returns soon and you can sit and talk about things, my dh never really talks about it but sometimes he will say something to me that says he has been thinking about things and that just because he chooses to keep it to himself it still affects him. He is of a belief that if things are meant to be then they will and if not then thats how it is, where as i will take longer to understand why these things happen to us.
Im sure people who have said enough is enough still have their wobbly days and its ok not to want to sit and talk babies some days , we also need to say to ourselves its ok to have an off day and its not a sign of weekness , we are all human and have feelings. 
Not really sure im making much sense but just wanted to say you arent alone and this is why sites like FF are a lifeline for many including me.

really hope your dh comes in soon and you can spend some time together 

love
suzie xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Crcodile
I am so sorry and saddened by your post and i can see that you are going through such a terrible and painful time at the moment. I have read through your post a couple of times to try and digest all that you have written, i feel that you are troubled by so many issues that are going on in your life at the moment. It seems to me that you are unable to work through any of these because there are too many obstacles and i am sure you are not sure which way to turn at the moment.
Your hubby sounds a very loving and caring man who puts and considers you first. You are very aware of this and that is the strong basis of your relationship. At the moment maybe its also best for you to accept that you are going through a difficult time but that you also want to work through it together. Maybe by accepting this you will beable to sit down and start discussing your real fears and let each other know. This IF is a real life changing expereince and it also effects us to such a degree that we are unable to control the way we feel at times. By having each other and working through these grey areas you may find that you can support each other but understand each other. If you are honest and open then this will help you make decisions and move forward......
Hey do not be hard on yourself about your feelings and emotions at the moment because this is a very hard and difficult thing to go through. When we decide to stop treatment this is a difficult decision and even though at the beginning we feel relief it doesn't mean that we cannot feel sad by it all. I don't think you can just switch off i think we just find away to live with it,but its also a grieving process. Not everyone understands it and do not have the empathy we hope that would have towards us. Its a change of life that we never planned and we are then pushed into another life that we never had dreams about. The sad thing is that we need to address that pain and work through it so that we can start finding our way through life. I think feeling sad by other peoples pregnancies is normal and you have every right to get upset. If you felt emotionally upset around your families house and you cannot handle it, don't beat yourself up about it thats how you felt at the time. Concerning kindness and people it never always comes from the people you hope it will come from and that can be a real dissappointment. Try and surround yourself by people who care.
Moving on comes with time as my friend says there will always be some kind of sadness surrounding babies and IF because it has hurt us so deeply. There will always be some kind of sadness and we are allowed to own those feelings because we have expereinced it and not everyone understands that. You need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve because there has been alot of losses in your life. 
Have you thought about counselling? maybe this will help you see things through and ease your turmoil at the moment. Its so hard but maybe take each day as it comes and don't think of the future because that puts us under enormous pressure.
You know where we are because we do understand....look after yourself and your back...
I have IM you...
Lots of love astridxx


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi Crocodile

Firstly I just wanted to send you a big ((hugg)), I am so sorry to hear of all your troubles and the weekend from hell that you have had.  

I can completely understand why the news was a complete shock and you dealt with it the way you did, I am suprised that others can't. In some respects I can understand your MIL saying she didn't want to tell you as it not her news to share, however I do think its wrong that you wearn't told about it more privately as personnally I don't care how good others news is they should always think of people who are not so fortunate.....sadly the world does not appear to work that way  

What you must understand is that for people in our situation it is more than normal to react to others baby news in this way, and quite frankly abnormal not to in my opinion. I think your MIL's words were very harsh, I guess she knew how upset you were and simply didn't know what to say.....resulting in all the wrong things coming out. I once had a very similar converstaion with my mom about how some people can and others can't fall pregnant and to get over it and get a grip, perhaps not really what I needed to hear at that time......however she simply didn't know what to say to get me out of my depression.

I think dh has been very unfair in what he said last night when he got home, and I know you say how wonderful he has been to you but it also sounds like you have been very wonderful living through his abuse addiction.

I really hope he comes home soon and cools off and looks at things from your prospective more. Problem is I do belive that blokes can deal with a life without children more easily, things are so much more black and white for them. But sadly its us with the biological clock and maternal instict, we can't help it its in our genes!

Have you ever considered councelling? It may be good to talk more about your situation and plan how you will move on stage by stage. 

Also I know you decided not to look into adoption, but perhaps in the future when you are feeling stronger it maybe something to consider again.....from what you have written it sounds like that was perhaps more dh's decision than yours, maybe its time to look back into that one - Anyone can fall pregnant these days (Vikki Pollards and co) however not everyone can be a mother.

Stay in touch with us ff friends we are all here for you xxxxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh my, Crocodile, you poor love.

There is no quick and easy fix to getting over remaining childless - its a situation that has been chosen for us all, and I hate to use platitudes here but its true - time is a great healer. Given all that you have been through one thing after another - wham and you haven't had any time to lick your wounds before you have moved onto the next thing I am not surprised you feel like you are reeling with the events of the weekend.

You said you have had an ectopic pregnancy - I assume that is the only time you have ever been pregnant? How heartbreaking for you, not only having to deal with that (I have experience of ectopic pregnancy and know how devastating that can be) but all the other blows that have been raining down on you one after another. You have been through so much - too much for one person. I am really sorry you have been dealt so many harsh blows repeatedly.

I have had many meltdowns over the years - and I put most of them down to this - that others who have never been in our position understand the enormity of what it is like to walk in our shoes. Pregnancy and having kids is part of normal everyday life, but when pregnancy goes wrong or when the routes to achieving motherhood don't happen we are left feeling like we have been cut adrift from mainstream society. All this is devastating enough, but when we have to deal with other things that have been thrown at us like you have had to, I'm not surprised you ended up in tears on Saturday evening. 

You need time sweetheart, and you need someone impartial to talk to. We are here for you if you want us to be. The other lovely ladies have suggested counselling, that can be a big help and it can feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders too. I found counselling really beneficial because it helped to be able to talk to someone who wasn't emotionally tied to me, it didn't matter if I got upset and cried because it wasn't going to have an emotional impact on the counsellor like it would have on my hubby who was also in his own way struggling to come to terms with everything that had happened over the years. Its true what the book says men are from mars and women are from venus - we both deal with things so differently and we both see things in different ways.

Men are problem solvers and if they can't solve a problem they run off to their caves. Am not excusing your hubbys behaviour because he has obviously added to your distress this weekend, but am thinking maybe him doing what he has done could be his coping mechanism. I hope he has stayed safe over the weekend and you don't have the added stress of worrying about him any more.

Hope you are hanging in there, I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs and understanding.

Emcee xxx


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Thankyou everyone for your replies

I am feeling so alone tonight without my best friend my lovely DH, I am so worried he has taken this backward step after nearly three years of calmness and happiness..(apart from the IF)

I stopped coming on here cos all the people on the boards I use to post were announcing pregnancies and births and it was just too much.  

I have been concentrating on setting up my business (tony on here is doing my website) and have probably put too much energy into that rather than coming to terms with our situation.  I havent spoken to anyone (apart from my DH and then reluctantly and infrequently) about my feelings cos I just expect them to fade in time, but every now an again the pain is unbearable.   

Tony (my DH) has been so supportive through everything these last few years and lately with my new business ideas so the support is usually a two way thing between us, I really thought or more hoped his problems were behind us ...cocaine is a wicked wicked drug for those who don't know anything about it and the slightest memory link can trigger a relapse. I think whats started his downfall is cos his dad (his mum and dad are divorced) was very ill and taken into hospital this week and it shocked him to see him, it also meant he had to go over to his old haunts at night and without me and where he had the courage to come straight home on Tuesday and fight the craving (he spoke to me about it) obviously the horrible craving was sitting in his head waiting for something to trigger it and last night was it.  Thats why I think he wasn't so supportive as he usually is...

Anyway tonight sitting here no my own I was beside myself with grief and sadness and  I had to come back on here and find people who understand. 
When you have had the day I have had even people like my sister who want to kill my MIL with her bare hands still don't really understand how I feel.  I know I cannot escape pregnant women all together but when they are in the street I can just pretend the do not exist, I said to my DH the other day that I was quite lucky really cos all our friends and family have completed their families so I didn't have to deal with it around me, but my happy little bubble was well and truly burst last night, I never dreamed I was walking into that bombshell, not when they can't afford all the kids they have between them already. I don't blame his brothers girlfriends family they have never met me, but I am very angry with my DH's family, its rubbish about being someone else's news thats a cop out she doesn't have trouble blurting out other things...and my relationship with my mil has taken a few steps back, particulalry when she said I need to get help, I wouldn't need help if people were not so insensitive. When she knew DH had disappeared she said I was driving him away, so she is blaming me for this lapse in his problem, which is absolutely amazing seeing as a five/six years ago I had to cope with getting him off the stuff totally on my own as they all denied there was even a problem and covered up for his absences and gave him money!! 

I would never in a million years have been that rude as to walk out but last night I just felt that no-one gave a stuff about me so why should I care if I had upset them and thats not like me.  Apparently my DH drove round and round the streets looking for me, I feel bad about that..

Thankyou for the suggestions of counselling but I am not an advocate of counselling as I have had some bad experiences of it once when I had the ectopic and again with DH's problem.....
I spose this is like grief in a way and similar to when my mum died, you never get over it you just learn to live with the pain and in time the severity of the pain lessens, but when I look into those big blue eyes of my DH I could cry that he will never pass those onto our child

And regards the adoption, actually DH is more in favour of adoption than anything else as he says he will only do something now that has a certain outcome as he doesn't want me to keep getting over disappointments. He has refused to do donor eggs as just as I would not entertain donor sperm cos I want his baby not 'a' baby he feels the same.  He is in favour of adopting a 'little chinaman' as  he puts it.  It's me who feels I don't want to leap from one thing to another without giving ourselves time to come to terms with our first decision and to be honest I don't know what I want to do 

I know what I feel is normal but its only normal to those of us going through it, to everyone else we are being over-sensitive, selfish and self absorbed and I find that hard to take seeing as me and my DH and no doubt all of you are always looking out for others, thinking of others, doing things for others and the one time I do something out of character then I am told that I am the one who should be understanding not the other way round.

Don't you think its amazing that most of the people you know who have kids tend to be very self absorbed but we are the ones who get accused of it?

Anyway thankyou again for your kind words, I don't know when I will see my DH I hope its tomorrow I hope this is a glitch and not a major problem.  I know I didn't cause what's happened subsquently with him, but its hard when you are sitting here on your own and you miss the other person so much not to try to take some of the blame....how I wish I hadn't walked out last night

anyway good night and astrid thanks for the PM I will reply shortly

Croc


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Croc,

Firstly, "Don't you think its amazing that most of the people you know who have kids tend to be very self absorbed but we are the ones who get accused of it?" ....... ABSOLUTELY!!!!

I am so saddened that you are going through this just now.  I know how it feels to hit rock bottom.  It can feel like there's no way out, there's no end to your pain and its bloody frightening.

I don't want to generalise here but in my humble experience, men deal with things totally differently from us.  Yes they definitely hurt too but I think they prefer to deal with their anger and pain alone.  I think this is to protect us.  They are so busy trying to be strong for us that they don't want us to see them being upset so they go off and do it alone.  Of course, your DH has additional problems with addiction which is just making things even more difficult for you.

I don't know what to say.  I'm scared I say the wrong thing as I have no experience of addiction and trying to support that person in the right way.  I only hope you manage to find him the right support.

These few days away from him must be really dragging on and dragging you down with it.  When I'm feeling like this, I try to remember the U2 song, "It's just a moment ......... this time will pass ..."

I think the first thing you could maybe do is sit him down and talk openly and calmly.  Communication is the most important thing in a relationship ( ..... and you already know you have a strong relationship with your DH, that is not the issue)

All I know is, you have all of us here who maybe don't understand ALL you are going through but we definitely do care as we can try to imagine your pain to some degree.

Please don't think you are alone as we are all here for you and I know I have certainly been in the depths of despair before and it is not a good place to be.

Please, please, please put others aside just now and concentrate on you and your DH.  Other people will look after themselves.  Just do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this and if others don't understand ........ maybe they're not the people you thought they were.  Sometimes in life, we need to be a little bit selfish.  It's all about self-preservation.

Good luck, you know where we are,
Love and HUGs,
Gill xx


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Dear Maureen,

I'm another of the childless "survivors" off a couple of your old threads (ARGC girls etc). Firstly here to offer a great big (((HUG))) to you. What an awful time you have had - not just this weekend but through all of the time struggling to survive IF.

I think what is happening is that a nice kind person has entered a dysfunctional situation and the other players (your MIL!) are trying to make you feel as if YOU are the problem.

That is a load of boll***s.

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do and react as you do.

Let's examine the situation "calmly"....

Your MIL claims that childless women "get it over". Well, where the h*ll are these women? Yes, those who chose to remain childless can do so but this situation is not your choice.

My Aunt spent her life hating my Mother because she had 3 daughters and my Aunt had none. When she died she was buried with a doll called "Anna" which she had cuddled instead of the daughter she wanted.
I had no idea she felt like this as she did not talk about it and was treated with NO sympathy by the rest of the family. I only heard about her terrible pain after she had died and my Uncle told me.

Families do not treat their infertile members very well. You are not being treated very well by the MIL.

Your DH's drug problem could be the result of this type of emotionally abusive behaviour and the person who has kept him sane and off the drugs is you! 

The bottom line is that your DH's family need to be told in no uncertain terms how they are to treat you (with love and kid gloves) and when they go out of line (like this weekend) you and your DH need to agree an escape plan.

The most important things that needs to be acknowledged is that you were not behaving out of order. You are a good kind person and can be manipulated into feeling "guilty". All of this is not your fault.

Maybe you will always react "badly" to pregnant women at work and in the family. Maybe it will get better or you will develop a "thick skin" to hide behind.

If anything, it takes time to get to terms with being without children and you need to be given the time/good circumstances/understanding to do this.

With love from,


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Dear crocodile

I just wanted to express my support and agree with the comments of the other ladies.  I really hope it works out for you both.

flipper


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2006)

Hi Croc
Just wanted to send you another big ((hug)) today hun   xx


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Thankyou all so much for your continued support...

Flopsy you are as always so so astute and what a sad story about your aunt...I hope somewhere in the spirit world she has got to work with the babies some of us have lost along the way..

Tony came back last night, well I went to pick him up actually....I learnt a lot of home truths last night and I am reeling today from the realisation of it all.....

I never did know where he use to go a few years ago when he use to have these episodes but I spose a good point is that I actually picked him up from one of his old haunts last night so I spose that is a good sign....but who should be walking in the pub as I drove up but his BIL...the same BIL who swore blind he didn't know where he was...(of course I have always known that he has even worse problems than my DH but he is just extremely clever and devious, even once blaming his stash on my DH when it was found, but thats another story)....but it was good to catch him bang to rights...

I have done my utmost of the years to keep them apart as he is DH's worst enemy and he would love to have his old partner in crime back and so will do anything to sh*t stir it...and I am the only one who knows he's problem so he is a little wary of me  

So when I phoned my MIL on Sunday in tears not mentioning drugs at any point, hinting at it I admit saying he had probably gone back to where he use to go, my dear BIL has caught up with him and told him I am telling the whole family he has a big drug problem, so my DH started getting angry at first about that....

Then it turns out that when he left his brothers on Saturday night he took his brothers car and brought it home here and the first thing he did Sunday was to take it back, his brother and my MIL are thick as theives and she would have known that, so inspite of her promise to phone me if someone heard from him she didn't and in fact I didn't get any phone calls from any of them.  I don't know why I am surprised as this always use to happen when he had a big problem, they were always covering up for him one way or another .....

One of the first things my DH said to me, when I picked him up is I need my head tested cos I am a basket case, this is not my DH talking believe me and I know where this has come from, clearly his whole family as you say Flopsy are trying to make out I am the problem......I spose I have added to that just now as his BIL has kept ringing his mobile and in the end I picked it up and snapped at him telling him 'my DH is in bed' and then put the phone down so I spose I am now a certified basket case in their eyes.....

We have a lot of talking to do when he gets up, I have to disassociate this link in his mind with my actions on Saturday and his one's on Sunday otherwise he will always use me 'stepping out of line' (in his eyes) as an excuse to go out, instead of accepting responsibility for his own actions....

Don't worry I am not going to make anyone make me feel guilty for what I did on Saturday, I protected myself when no-one else thought to do it.......as I said to my DH knowing his brothers history of leaving four other kids which he does not provide for at all, I wouldn't have walked in there on Saturday and started talking about men who abandoned their children and the merits of the CSA, becaues that would have been insensitive so why does no-one think that way with people who have IF history??

Anyway thanks everyone for your support, it means the world to me because right now it seems I have even lost my best friend and I am quickly learning who I can trust and who I can't.....

Love to you all

Maureen


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hells Bells Croc!

Your MIL sounds like she is related to mine! Yikes!

I'm glad your DH is back home with you. Its tricky about his folks though, isn't it? They do indeed sound awful (and they do indeed sound like a right bunch of narnas - can't swear so that's the polite version there)! 

Hang in there gal - we're here for you whilst you go through this.

Lots of love to you
Emcee x


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Maureen my loveley,

Thank you for the kind words when you are going thru so much.

What a brave, strong and practical woman you are!

Sending lots of love to you and to your DH.

Kindest regards,


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Here's some words of wisdom from my mum:

Aunty Maud, my godmother, never married and had children but she gave us something no one else ever did - special books to treasure (eg. Heidi) 
interesting days out,(the zoo, the theatre) and gifts she brought back from her 
holidays abroad (I still have the rosary beads she brought back from her trip to the Vatican!); Aunty Lucy babysat us, sang to us, was a listening ear, knitted simple but treasured colourful blankets, taught us card games. 

These people made my childhood much more delightful and interesting and helped make me feel a person in my own right and they probably never realised how much they were truly valued. When I visit my friend and her baby she is just happy to have me sit and talk about the latest book I'm reading and politics.


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Well the last me post....and then I will come back on here and contribute to other dicsussions on this board and help other people as you lot have helped me over the last few days...........

I have my DH back now not the one who came back the other day but my true one, my best friend...........and we have managed to really talk bout everything and he has been especially honest about IVF and my ops and how he felt which was quite an eye opener really cos I didn't realise just how much it had effected him...thats not to say that was the reason that he went of the rails, his relapse is a completely different issue which I knew and he has acknowledged.

You see (going off the IF issue for a mo), we have been together for nearly nine years and his problems were there before he met me but very carefully hidden.  I come from a generation where drugs hardly existed and I've no doubt people smoked pot around me but I was so niave I would never have known, I have never smoked anything not even a cigarette and never taken a drug stronger than a pain killer.
And so it was so easy for my DH to hide his habit from me for a long time now I could spot someone on coke a mile off, with coke the signs are very sutle. They are not your sterotypical drug taker far from it, it could even be someone around you, you would never know they don't all disappear like my DH, they can hold jobs down and everything ...anyway my DH is a very strong person fighting a very real very powerful evil substance and has manged to stay away from it for nearly three years, but because I have learnt through reading and research and talking to support groups and other ex coke users I understand the way this works, hence why I had to break the link between what I did Saturday and his subsequent actions in his mind............

But I am glad to say (because of his willingness and strength and readiness) that we have done that.  Its going to be hard cos its like giving your phone number to an old girlfriend who suddenly you bump into, the old thoughts and feelings will come back and she (charlie) will keep calling and he has to fight that again.....

Anyway,  he has also stuck one hundred percent by me regarding his family and he said he will try to understand how I feel and help me through it.  If I don't want to go to any family things then he'll understand., (though I will try if only for his sake, but at the moment I am furious with them and do not want to see his brothers girlfriend getting bigger) ...we have agreed that IF and that is a big IF, we do anything then it will be to investigate adopting in China but thats for later not now....

For now we are going to just help each other and my dad who starts his radiotherapy soon (he had cancer removed from his prostate and bowel in october)

I still dont know how I am going to cope with pregnant women or my sadness, as I have no doubt any of you do on here, but one day at a time seems a good plan and avoiding insenstive people without feeling guilty, talking openly to my DH and getting and giving support on this board are others.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart from lifting me up from one of the lowest points I have been through and making me feel I am not alone

Maureen


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi maureen
I am so pleased that you have found your friends and hubby. Its good to see that you are talking and finding away to listen to each others pain. That is commendable and takes alot of guts to stand back and listen to each other because it isn't always easy.
I know you Maureen and you are a lovely person so please do not worry about being on track for everyone else, just think of you two at the moment. I know its hard and difficult to address life when you are going through such a bleak period in your life but its about taking time out for you. Its about understanding yourself and your own limitations. Its all very early days and its a process that will come with time but i think what you say is right 'one day at a time'. If you think further down the line you add more pressure and pain to yourself. Don't forget to plan a few good things,get out and about because that will also take your mind off things.
As far your family is concerned do what you have to do? do people always make acceptions for us i don't think so. I think its about being 'self-centred' not in a selfish way but learning to protect yourself and your feelings. Learning to do what makes you feel comfortable and sharing those troubles with Tony. I think you have been strong to get through the last few days 'can anything ever get as bad as this again?. Look for the positive things that you have got and you know that is Tony and the good friendship you have both got. Hey alot of people would give their right arm for that....
I wish you both the luck and maybe sometime in the future you will beable to deal with these raw emotions and look for something else in life .i.e adopting...
You know where we are...
thinking of you love astridxx


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Maureen

Your courage is unbelievable!! I am so glad that DH has come home and supportive like before, sometimes a good honest chat really does blow the cobwebs away.

Remember we are all always here for you


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Dear Maureen,

You have given so much to others on FF and there is no reason to apologise for "me" posts. We are all here for you.

With love from,


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Annette

Just wanted to thankyou for your support you really are a special woman and very astute...

I am sad to find you posting on the living child free board, not because I don't value your insights and posts but because I hoped you would be on one of the trimester boards or something like that.  I know you put up such a fight to be parents and it does make me so sad to think you didn't succeed but at the same time I am proud to be in the company of people like you and astrid and all the others cos it makes me realise what special company I now keep.....

God bless you

Maureen


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Hello Crocodile, this may not be the right thing to say, but have you ever contemplated donor eggs?
This does seem to bring results for many women in your position, alas I am not (yet) one of them.

If of interest, try logging on to the Abroadies thread.


Good luck


roze xxx


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