# Advice re gparent problem.



## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi guys.

Not having the best of evenings. Little Pea is fine... My mother however is not...

She called me this evening and during the call she was telling Pea what to do, trying to force him to talk to her, I said 'don't tell my son what to do' and he response was 'he's not yours yet'....

Back story... I moved 100 miles away from my parents to be with DH. I'm very close to my in laws, but not so much to my family (never have been really). My mother was adopted, however is was closed, she found out when she was 14 and I don't think she's ever really dealt with the fall out.

Back to the phone call... I said 'pardon?'... Expecting her to say something like 'you know I what I mean... I didn't mean it like that....' the usual... Nope. These evening her response was 'he's not yours really'.

I hung up. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret, especially in front of Pea!

I then get a phone call 15 minutes later from my sister telling me mum has called her saying I'm a liar, that the only reason I adopted is because I'm too lazy to lose weight to conceive (nothing to do with my infertility or choice to adopt), that she (sister) needs to hurry up and give her a proper grandchild, and if we don't 'buck up our ideas' she's (mother) is going to report us to SS.....

I'm at a lose as to what to do or say to my mother at this point. She's pretty much said she and my father won't be at our celebration hearing as it potentially the day before my brothers 18th... She makes snide comments about my in laws and the relationship Pea has with them... She says she'll come visit Pea and use, then changes her mind a couple of days later...

Help!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I would personally tell your Mum how much she has hurt you and say you'd like her to think for a week and then email you telling you whether she is ready to accept you and little pea fully or be cut out / massively reduced roll in your life. Based on her email you will or won't contact her to discuss the situation further.  If she did ever say anything to ss they are obligated to check it out so would have to meet with you and DH.  If she does anything nasty email will give you written evidence that she's being malicious.  Also will your sister support you in standing up to her? Often a more neutral party because they are less emotionally involved can get through to someone.  

I'm so sorry your mother is letting her own issues affect and upset you and your life. I'm a fairly black and white with or aagainst me kind of person so I completely understand if my approach is too extreme for you. Huge hugs no one needs negativity from there nearest and dearest. You are a mummy now and you will do what is best for your child your mother needs to get her head round that however you choose to teach her xx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

No advice mummy pea but wanted to say sorry you are experiencing such offhand and uncaring parenting. Much love and strength
Gettina


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

I am speechless,    So sorry, just when you need the support too.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Huge hugs x

It sounds like she's going through stuff in her head & possibly little man joining has prompted her thinking from her own issues. 

I'm a bit like DD, in that I would be very inclined to either tell her how hurt I am or close off until she's had time to reflect & apologise. I think I'd probably do both maybe via letter & leave the ball in her court so to speak.

You are little peas mummy & any mad claims she makes to SSs would be checked out but very quickly shut down. Try & not let it affect your time with your boy as they grow up fast and you don't want to sour your memorise of your first months with LP.

Cyber hugs x


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Sorry for bring blunt but  I would do nothing....you dont need 'that' in your life. My in laws are very similar to your mum...even rang police on me on numerous occasions.  We have them out and now have a better life. I know she is your mum but you have to make sure you only have positive support plus reality is you are not going to change them/her so why try! 
Much love


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm with Fran.......it's her problem not yours. My in laws definitely treat our ds differently to birth children. We did try initially but got fed up and now we see them as little as possible. 

Its their loss not yours.


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Thanks for the replies.

It's all so stupid really. My mother in law is livid. I think my problem is I'm the families peace maker so as angry as I am with her (and my father too....), I can't just turn my back on them completely. At the moment I'm trying not calling every single day, instead just emailing updates. 

xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

It sounds like your mum needs to resolve some of her experiences having been adopted. 



Not your responsibility at all. Good on you for setting boundaries for Pea.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I agree with frang, you don't need that sort of rubbish in your life. I am having the same sort of thing with my in laws    And they didn't come to lo celebration hearing. Since then we haven't spoken or visited them. If they don't want our son in their lives then we are not going to go out of our way to let them in his. 
She is the one loosing out on your lo and let's hope that she soon comes to realise it.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

This is the situation I fear with my inlaws..... Meeting them in a few weeks to tell them, we can't out it off any more.

Dh doesn't have the best relationship with them, not for want of our trying, just we aren't good enough in comparison to the perfect sister and two kids!

Dh knows they, they can treat us like this, but not our kids, and that is a genuine real fear (hopefully completely unjustified) however I can clearly see now it does happen.

As hard as it is, I think I am with the others.... Your kids, your family come first.  You don't need the stress and upset in your life and it's the knock on to your kids later when they are old enough to understand, will fear more rejection.

It's so sad that people are like this, it's us doing the hard work and have been through generally all the turmoil and heart era to get our dream... You think they'd be happy.

Take care xx


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