# Its not fair



## likesabath (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi there,

I'm just wanting a bit of a rant really, got our 3rd BFN 3 weeks ago, and although I'm putting a brave face on to the outside world, I'm still feeling really gutted.   

I'm just so confused/unsure of what to do next. My DH won't give an opinion (talk about spineless man) and says its up to me to decide, its times like this that I feel like a kid and wish an adult would tell me what to do and not give me the option! (daft I know)   

I got some information from our local authority about adoption, but we have to be treatment free for 6 months before we can pursue that avenue, but should I try one more go of treatment?   

Our 3 cycles have been NHS funded, so now we'd have to pay, we can't really afford it so would have to look at egg share schemes. It just seems so much money to lay out and not have any guarantees, but am I ready to give up on being a natural mum yet?   

It feels so unfair, and not at all how I thought my life would turn out, I'm just feeling very sorry for myself tonight! 

Any advice or voice of reason would be appreciated

xx


----------



## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Likeabath,

Firstly so sorry that you have had an unsuccssful 3rd attempt. I wrote this post when I had my 3rd BFN, (2 FETs and one fresh cycle). You are not alone. I am starting again in August, give yourself some time to recover and I'm sure you will find the strenght in you.

Dee

****************************************

Well, OTD come and gone for my 3rd treatment and my outcome is BFN..... AGAIN.

It is with a heavy heart that I am posting again on the negative cycle and I can tell you ladies, that this just does not get any easier.

At the moment, I just feel a little numb.

Please bear with me as I feel that I have to have a good old ramble and a good moan.

My heart is so full of hurt that I really don't know where to start. I dream each night about something fertility related and during my waking hours, babies and IVF are rarely far from my thoughts.

About 4 and ½ years ago, me and DH started 'trying' for a family. We had agreed that we would use no contraception again and would happily welcome how ever many little people we could 'squeeze' into the next 5 years. Oh the innocence and the naïvety of it kind of makes me sigh. We had no idea what was ahead of us. If I could go back to the 33 year old me, I think that I would advise myself to expect nothing and if the impossible happens, then be thankful.

I have lost count of the pregnancy tests that I have done over the years and always, always, always I've had that solitary, lonely line staring back at me. Then I switched to digital and oh yes, just in case there was any misunderstanding, I get the privilege of being told in no uncertain terms, 'Not Pregnant' every single time. I sometimes think that they will start to say to me, 'Do you really think so Dee?'

I've had to lose weight, give up smoking, more of less give up our social lives and most importantly become an expert in 'waiting'. 
Waiting for appointments. Waiting for referral. Waiting for treatment start dates. Waiting for news by the phone on egg maturity, egg fertilisation rates, embryo transfer times, embryo thaw rates. Waiting for the 2WW and then waiting for the HGC call which invariable yields a negative outcome.

I've endured the drug regimes, the poking and prodding, the injections, the charts, the swollen ovaries, the aches and pains, the egg collections, a hysteroscopy, the transfers and most crushing of all, the BFNs. With my hand on my heart, I have never, ever moaned or complained about any aspect of any of my treatments. I gritted my teeth and 'offered it up'. My thoughts were that all this treatment could only be a drop in the ocean compared to labour. I really thought that the less I grimaced and moaned, the more likely it would be to work as I would have proved my worthiness.

Funnily enough the word that occurs to me often is 'worthy' and by that I mean what do I have to do to prove that *I* too am worthy to have the joy of a pregnancy and a healthy baby?

I really don't mean to cause offence and please believe me when I say that I would never deny any woman their babies, but how is is that some ladies are blessed on their 1st cycles and others are blessed more than once and I can never even get to the point of 2 lines on a stick. With all I've endured, I would endure it all a thousand times over is I could have a baby.
Sometimes I wonder, when is it going to be my turn to call my friends and family with good news instead of always being the bearer of negative results. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite an upbeat person and already planning my next cycle in September/October, please god, I'm deemed 'worthy' the next time.

Thanks for reading,

Dee


----------



## likesabath (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi Dee

Thanks so much for that, its exactly how I feel! 

For so many years I've dealt with my DH having bad health and always looked after him without a single moan, but now I feel like its our turn for some good luck! I just wish it would come sooner rather than later, in the last 5 years we've had enough bad luck for a whole lifetime.

You're completely right, all I want is to be able to say to our friends "we're having a baby" something that so many people take for granted. I know I'll recover, and although maybe not get over it, learn to deal with it. And then maybe we will try again. At the minute I don't feel like I've the strength to go through the heartache of getting that phone call saying "sorry, its negative, again" 

I also understand what you mean about first time BFPs, I know I shouldn't because this is horrendous for us all - but I feel its unfair when women are getting pregnant first time, but I've done my time, had so many invasive procedures, that surely its our turn?

thank you for listening to me whine, I really appreciate it and I wish you lots of luck and love in your next cycle

Sarah xx


----------



## spooq (Sep 18, 2006)

Hiya Sarah, so sorry to hear you sound so sad   

I totally understand where you're coming from - "when are we going to get some good luck?" - especially with everything you and your DH have been through.  

The pain of another failed cycle is unbelievable and I just can't do it justice by putting it into words.  I truly do feel for you and can sympathise with all the horrible emotions you'll be feeling at the moment.

DH and I are in a similar position in that, as you know, we've just had our last NHS-funded cycle. I don't want to give up on having a baby so we have made the decision to go to the GCRM. We don't really have £6k to pay for ICSI so are hoping to egg share, which should bring it down to about no more than £1500. 

I know money can be tight and it seems like such a lot when there are no guarantees but I always keep in mind that in some ways, having a few failed cycles behind you kind of helps. It provides the clinic with a history of what has helped and what hasn't, so gives them what they need to put together a more bespoke TX plan, and therefore must help increase your chances.

Once you've had some more time, you might feel ready to consider TX again. I know there is no instant solution to everything you're going through just now and its so frustrating that only time helps to lessen the pain a little. Its so hard when there are other people around you getting pregnant as well.

Please feel free to PM me anytime at all   

Suzi
xxx


----------



## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Hello Ladies

Hope you don't mind me gatecrashing but what you have written so matches how i feel right now.

Just want to send you all hugs      Knew this road of tx was going to be hard but we never realise how hard untill you get going and trying to explain to people who have never been down this road is so difficult, it is something that cannot really be put into words...

Just not long come from 3rd bfn and my heart is broken, really struggling to cope, so scared that it will never happen, currently waiting to start our 1 and only go at ivf and so don't know how we will cope if that is bfn...

Wishing you all the best what ever you decide to do big hugs to you all


----------



## willsmum (Dec 14, 2009)

Hi Ladies,

Sarah, sorry you are feeling   .   to you,

Dee, so sorry for your bfn x

It is just so unfair what us ladies have to go through. I often think, will it ever be my turn?

My sisters three stepdaughters were all pregnant at the same time as me. All three got pregnant really easily, they all sailed through and now each have a healthy baby. Dont get me wrong i would never wish a miscarriage on anyone (after having 4 myself)  but its just my sh*ty luck that out of the 4 babies mine was the one that died.

I know its not healthy to be bitter or jealous but im so sick of being strong and posative and having people say "it will happen"   

lou xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

It really isn't fair at all. I'm so sorry for all your losses and your heartache.

I do sometimes wish that the crap was more evenly distributed rather than just dumped on a select few of us   IVF and losing babies is such a lonely journey.
I guess we just have to hang in there and keep on fighting until its our turn to get our dream. It has to happen soon.
Love Katxxx


----------



## Mel99 (May 20, 2010)

Sorry to jump in but hope you don't mind. I was a first timer, I tried so hard to have the PMA everyone tells you to have that I think I actually convinced myself it was going to work - unfortunately it was not to be. I am frantically looking around trying to make sense of it all and so far nothing ! A friend had a baby girl on Monday and I can't even bring myself to send my congratulations - I feel like a total btch. How do you pick yourself up can anyone help, at the moment its so hard to think of anything else. Please forgive me for sounding like a drama queen I read your stories and you have all been through so much but not sure what to think anymore know I should dust myself down and think about the next time but don't know how to - have a really supportive DH who is a star but everytime I look at him I just see how disappointed he is.


----------



## kateharts (Feb 3, 2010)

it is awful Mel - I was so convinced it was going to work for me first time round and I am full of PMA during this treatment but the fallout of it not working is soul destroying.

I am 29 and everyone around me is having babies, it kills me. My friend had IVF and got a boy and girl first go. There is no rhyme or reason to why some people are so blessed and others not - I only hope in years to come I will be able to look back and think everything happened for a reason. It breaks my heart that my husband isnt a Daddy. Everytime something goes wrong I think how much better off he'd be with someone who could give him a baby. 

Time does help and when you're ready focus on your next step whatever that may be.

You're never alone, the girls on FF prove that.

x


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Mel - You are not a drama queen at all, its not as simple as just dusting yourself down I´m afraid. It just takes as long as it takes to heal and be ready to start again. There is no right and wrong amount of time for the healing process and you just have to go through the grief and you´ll come out the other side when your heart and mind are good and ready. A BFN is a BFN whatever has come before it. But I do think the first BFN is a toughie because you don´t know how your are ´supposed´to feel and what comes next. You will get through it though I promise, and one day you´ll be ready to face the world again.


Our friends have just come back with their new adoptive son and I can´t even answer the phone to them anymore because I just can´t deal with it all right now, and as for going to buy a gift, I just can´t do it. Self preservation is whats important for you now though and you have to do what is right for you.


Kateharts - your husband loves you for being you and not for being a babymaking machine. My hubby says so often that I should just leave him and find somebody with decent sperm, and it breaks my heart to know he feels such guilt all the time. Its a team effort, and being a team will get you your BFP.


You´ll both get there, next time I hope.
Katxxx


----------



## likesabath (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi Ladies,

Thank you all so much for your kind words and empathy,    I really appreciate it, its also really nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way   . I'm trying so hard not to become bitter and let it eat away at me, but its so hard.   

Whether its your first BFN or your third, they all still hurt just as much. I was so naive when we started this journey, I really thought that because our "problem" is MF that we'd get pregnant and there would be no problem at all, oh how wrong I was! We've tried a normal cycle, acupuncture, diet, relaxation, tai chi, working, not working and none of it has made a blind bit of difference!   

Willsmum, I can't imagine how hard it has been for you - I really can't, and i admire you for your determination that you will get there!   

Thats the only thing about this whole thing is our steele and determination. None of us are beaten and we are all willing to carry on to get what we want. We should be admired!   

I don't know what we'll do about treatment, whether or not we'll have another go or whether we'll go down the adoption route. I'm worried that we'll get rejected because of DHs health issues, I suppose all those singers were right when they said time heals, so we'll wait a bit and see how we feel. I can't help but have this niggle though that if it had worked first time, we'd be thinking about a sibling now.   

I love this being our little group who know exactly how we all feel, my local thread is now populated by mums or pregnants, its not much fun being there now   

Take care and keep the faith   

Sarah xx


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

you're all so right. it's not fair 

logic dictates that we should be over the moon for our fellow sub fertile types who get their longed for BFP. but i will be honest...there were times i resented them more than the 'OMG, its our first month we only DTD once, my H is so chuffed about his super sperm!!!' types...gosh. did that make _me_ a complete cow or what? 

when it became apparent we had issues, i was posting on another forum and there was a spate of people having IVF. and they were all first timers and they all semed to get BFPs. so when we were told we needed ICSI i was gutted...but also positive. it worked for them didn't it?

like the bathing lady i assumed MF = i was ok and it would work first time...wouldn't it? only to my absolute shock and horror it didn't. and then the second cycle was even worse...

and for a time i hated to read about treatment BFPs. _of course _i was happy for them, i'm not a monster, but i felt like they'd taken _my_ BFP. especially twin pregnancies...it was like they'd hogged the BFPs! 

and i will be even more honest...when i read about other's BFNs...while terribly sad...i was also a little bit glad. so it wasn't just me then was it?

i honestly can't tell you what made me move on though. time helps. deciding to adopt (and i'm so not saying this is for everyone, it was something i'd wanted more than IVF but i agreed with mr c we'd have three IVFs first although we have scrapped that now) has helped of course. i'm not religious but i do feel fate has chosen for us to be parents a 'different way.' everything happens for a reason and i do think we'll get there. it just won't be the way we initially invisaged 

so when did i know i'd moved on? when a FF friend got a BFN and i was gutted for her. when another FF friend got a BFP and lost her pregnancy and i was heartbroken for her. and when a third got a second treatment BFP (and subsequently is having twins) which previously would have made my heart burn in envy, but instead i was over the moon for her. i wish with all my heart i'd learned i'd moved on with the first two scenarios being different though 

so the point of this lengthy rambling?  to i hope give _you_ hope. please don't feel guilty about feeling bitter/envious/resentful. unless you're a saint (and i am by no means in that catergory!) you're just human and normal. i wish you all tons of love and positive vibes


----------



## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Katie C - Thank you for posting, it's lovely to know that in time things do get easier. Good luck Katie xx


----------



## Mel99 (May 20, 2010)

Wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who replied to my post! Sorry this is the first time after reading your kind words that I could actually post myself, was a bit of a disaster zone and went through a lot of tissues. It still upsets me but I don't cry all the time now. We have our follow up meeting on Tuesday at Bourn - so will find out our next step but it is so much easier knowing that there are people out there who know exactly how I feel - so thank you x


----------

