# Answering my own question



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi all

I am feeling so much brighter - thank you for being here. I am so glad I found you 

Anyway, I realised today that things are a whole lot easier than they were 5+ years ago. Someone at work announced her pregnancy (inevitable really, given the week I'm having!) and it no longer ties my tum into knots. I am genuinely pleased for her - I think it helps that she is a lovely person! I am still jealous too, but it doesn't physically hurt any more. Serious progress I think!

I have lots going on in my life at the moment (think I mentioned it briefly) including changing jobs in a few weeks to something I've never done before, studying for an MSc part-time and having a new kitchen installed - plus having hormones which no longer work properly! This has been too much for me this week. I had a lightbulb moment last night - I realised that when I'm feeling down and tired, my childlessness jumps out and bites me on the bum. It seems overwhelming, but it is temporary, and a good cry usually helps! 

I do still have low times, but I used to think that I had a neon flashing light above my head pointing down at me and saying "Infertile" - it used to define me, but it genuinely doesn't any more.

So I have sort of answered my own question - it gets easier gradually, but you probably won't notice it, and you will have bad times as well as good. I now have more good than bad, so when it is bad, it comes almost as a shock because I'm not expecting it.

Don't know if any of my ramblings make sense  - if you have made it this far without rolling your eyes or dropping off, then please accept my apologies for going on, and go get yourself a large glass of [insert name of favourite tipple] as a reward!

Once I've worked out bubbles, I will blow them around liberally.
Take care,
nickah
xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Nickah, 

Just something you said that jumped out and me and made me want to underline it with a big marker pen - we are NOT defined by our infertility! We are so much more than that! I'm pleased as anything for you that you've had a moment of clarity that has allowed you to take this on board....

Good for you!

One more thing - you DO have a lot going on in your life - be easy on yourself as you deal with it all, and turn down the volume on that inner-critic!


Big luv to you, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Nickah, good for you for being able to step outside of yourself and fathom out things for yourself... that is a precious gift to have to be able to do this. Your words made perfect sense to me, and I'm sure they resonate with everyone here who reads your message. 

It sounds like you have tons going on there hon, don't burn the candle at both ends! I hope you get the chance to take some lovely well deserved chill out time for you in the midst of all the activity you have going on around you. Hats off to you for studying part time too - I know from experience its more like studying full time whilst you juggle everything else around, best of luck with all of it!

Yep, we all have our melt down moments hon, but we're here to share and help each other through, and hopefully learn coping strategies along the way as well as forging wonderful friendships.

Sending you lots of love and a massive (((cuddle)))
Emcee xxx


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Nickah,

just thought I'd add in my own perspective on your question....... my timescales of TTC are fairly similar to yours - i.e. started TTC 1988 - had to give up 4 and half years ago.

For me, I view coming to terms with this in 2 measures:

1. the level of pain of childlessness
2. the frequency that you think about it.

Regarding measure 1 - the level of "pain": when I finally had to give up, the level of pain was at its maximum - the realisation that there was now absolutely no hope at all - I measured this pain at "10 out of 10".

I then had 2 years of counselling which reduced the "pain" to about 7 out of 10.

Then I went on my first of 2 of Meredith's IF workshops - and as a result over these last 2 years the pain level has now gone down to say 3  (or 4) out of 10. 

So things have got so much better in terms of intensity of "pain".

BUT... the problem I have is regarding the second measure: "the frequency that I think about it" - and that has hardly reduced at all. So  it's still there all the time - it's just very much less painful....... I think it has become an "obsession" really - after so many years of thinking about it I feel like my brain is just programmed to think about it all the time - which is something I would like to be able to address.

I wold be interested to know if other people can identify with these measures?

MM, maybe its something you could discuss at your workshops ?

S.A.F.


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Saf, 

Absolutley brilliant way of thinking about it - THANK YOU!!!! Will mull over while gardening today and respond again later.... BRILLIANT!

mm XXXX


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Coming back to this too!!


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi s.a.f.

Big {{{{hugs}}}} to you - we do have similar timescales don't we?

I completely understand what you mean about your measures - I have never thought of it like this, but you are right. In my case, I think my "level of pain" is about a 3 most of the time, but whizzes up to a maximum 10 at times of stress (just like this week!). I then feel as if I haven't moved on at all, and can't believe it can still be so intense.

However, I no longer think about it every day. And do you know, I had never realised that until you mentioned it. I used to think about it all the time, and I know I am still primed to look at life that way (a colleague told me a while ago that she had great news - I assumed it would be a pregnancy announcement and adopted my fixed happy face    but she wanted to tell me she was getting engaged!)

Anyway, I put down my own change in perspective to various things - giving myself new goals (a PhD one day - I can dream!), changing my career (still not sure what I want to do though!), putting the money we used to spend on treatment/saving for the baby   to better use (holidays - new kitchen - added stress!), liberal use of exclamation marks and smileys in correspondence  , and developing friendships with people who don't talk about babies the whole time (and who weren't likely to announce pregnancies!). Plus of course I was voluntarily sterilised - it was an act of defiance on my part, and did have the effect of drawing a line under ttc, which I needed.

Dear s.a.f, I know what it is like to feel dominated and controlled by thoughts about this. Having answered my own question, I just want to say that the above works for me - whether it is just sticking plaster, only time will tell.

I do have one other comment though. As part of my current job, we are supervised by a psychotherapist who was also unable to have birth children. She told one of my colleagues that this was a sadness she would take with her to the grave. I know how depressing that sounds, but perhaps the key is in acceptance that the painful thoughts and feelings will never be reduced to zero. So easy to say, so difficult to do.

OK, more ramblings over.

Nickah
xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Nickah, you are very right about the level of pain subsiding over the years.The thoughts are still there every day /month but the pain level does get better i think.

Last week i posted re going to visit a girl in work off on maternity leave and her 6 mth son.This was the first baby i had held in 3.5 years and i didnt fall apart,whereas thius time 2 years ago and even last year i couldnt have EVER have done that.

I will always feel sadness that i didnt have my own kids but i am learning to manage my sadness and pain better i think.Its much nicer than the hate/envy/anger i used to feel when i saw pg women! I still have bad days but hopefully they will never be as bad as my darkest days were in the past.

You are very brave to be sterilised.At least you made that decision yourself. xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

What an interesting thread and what great views.

I understand the measures too saf.  What I found is, I had buried things away and convinced myself I was over things in order to conform with the 'norm' (whatever that is)!  Thank goodness I found this wonderful place.  

Interesting what you've said MM about not being identified by our IF - I sometimes even put myself in that box without thinking.  

What you said nickah, re your psychotherapist, I think maybe we'll all relate to that - all I can say is, at least we know there are people on this site that can understand that feeling.  I think about people who've never had any support like this website, especially older generations, and how desperately sad it must have been for them.

Nix


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Nickah,

Thanks for those words of comfort/wisdom - so glad my post made you realise that you no longer think about it every day!

My aim to to get my pain level down to, say, 1.5 to 2 (very precise!) which is the lowest I think I can hope for. Yes, I'm sure I'll take this sadness "to the grave" and, sadly for me, because our situation is a secret from family & friends, I will probably have to take the secret "to the grave" too !!

I too have made a lot of changes in the last few years and it certainly has helped. I would say that from the dark place I was in 4 years ago (10 out of 10 stage), I am now totally different (at this 'pain' level 3) and am now able to enjoy life. Even on bad days, the pain level doesn't go up too much - I just feel "sad" whereas 4 years ago I felt things were "hopeless" (which is a much "darker" intense feeling).

Logically, therefore, like you, I should have reduced the frequency with which I think about it but it still seems to be there almost involuntarily.  I think your description of "_I know I am still primed to look at life that way_" really sums it up better than I can!

When I pick up a newspaper and read any article, I automatically look through to see if the person featured in the article has children even if this is totally irrevelant! Why? I guess my brain is "programmed" to it after 19 years of dwelling on it !

When I go out with my friends (who of course have no idea of my situation) it's so much easier now as their kids are all teenagers and in fact they don't particularly talk about their kids as much as they used to (the conversation is usually more about who's getting divorced and who's having affairs!), so I don't feel "out of the conversation" or engulfed by sadness - BUT nevertheless as I'm sat there there's a voice in my head saying "they've got kids and I haven't" ! It doesn't make me too sad, but frustrated with myself for thinking / dwelling on it !

OK that's my ramblings too ....

S.A.F. xx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

What an intersting "conversation". 
I'm glad Nickah that you are feeling better.
I hope that you enjoy your new kitchen. It's amazing what a difference a new kitchen makes  - horrendous I know. In my last house I had a kitchen which my Dad put in for me. When I met my DH we sold that house and I still grieve for the kitchen and also for my garden. (my Father has since died). This new house has an awful kitchen which I hate. 
SAF I like you're breaking down thoughts of IF in terms frequency and pain. My pain level is at a high at the moment because1. my periods due in a couple of days and 2. my sister is pregnant - but I'm sure I'll feel better this time next week.
Good luck with your study. I'm doing a masters as well - in General practice. I'm doing a bioethics paper which is very intersting. I've just been going thru some journals and a hell of a lot of them are on ethics of reproductive technology - hmmm I bet we could all say a thing or 2 on that. Think I'll avoid it as an essay subject though - I'm just not dispassionate enough about it

Lots love Jo


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Saf, 

your wisdom on this thread has been really really helpful - I for one am very grateful for your insight, and have already started gauging how I'm feeling on your 'scales', as it were. Thanks for sharing this with us all.....

Love to everyone, 

MM xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

_"When I pick up a newspaper and read any article, I automatically look through to see if the person featured in the article has children even if this is totally irrevelant!"_

Wow s.a.f., that is exactly what I do too! And, since TV presenters/actresses/weather girls etc. no longer feel the need to hide themselves away during pregnancy, I find myself staring in a quite undignified manner at their tums to see if any are pregnant! 

Take care fellow obsessives,
Love,
Nickah
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

Saf, am loving the concept of scales for how you are feeling, I think I've been up and down them over the past few years with various events!

At this precise moment in time my level is at 2 - but will probably sky rocket later when SD is here for the weekend, sigh!

Some really interesting and insightful things on this thread, just goes to show we aren't alone with our thoughts and feelings - aren't you all marvellous? You have really lifted me this morning.

Love to all
Emcee x


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Ladies,

thanks for your positive comments about my "measures". I do think it is useful to measure our feelings so that we can recognise when we have made progress. It is worth "remembering" our "darkest" moments, so that when another "bad" moment hits us, as "bad" as it feels, it may not be quite as "dark" as previous ones.

I must say that I feel that the "level of pain" is more controllable than the "frequency" as you can try to counteract your sad thoughts with more positive ones to try to ease the pain - whereas controlling the "frequency" requires a change to your whole thought patterns. 

Nickah - Thank you - it's very "validating" for me to know that you react the same way to newspaper articles !!

I do feel that the "level of pain" is probably the same for everyone once they reach the "end of the road" no matter how many years they have been ttc - and then gradually reduces (albeit slowly) as they get further away in time since the "end of the road". 

However I wonder if the "frequency" measure is connected to how long was spent on ttc ? Perhaps it becomes more "obsessive" the longer someone spends ttc !!

MM - maybe you could research this via your w/shops and then publish your findings !!


Love to you all,

S.A.F.


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