# Don't know how to cope...



## lexiecat

i feel like the worst friend ever.

A friend has just announced she's pg after first month of trying. I'm so jealous my weekend has been ruined. It's so flippin unfair. Why does it happen so easily for some people? we are meeting up in a couple of weeks and i'm not sure how i'll cope (she does like to brag!). She knows our problems (i was given prostap last month after mild endo removal) so i'm hoping she'll be sensitive but if she bangs on about it i'm going to get furious!

It's so difficult. How do other people cope?


xx


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## irishflower

It is really tough - I've been through it so many times myself in the last few years, including three friends in the last year or two who came back from honeymoon pregnant.  doesn't ever get any easier.  My way of coping at the minute has been to avoid large groups of pregnant/mummy friends - much prefer to see them one-to-one or in small groups.  Also came off ******** so I could avoid all the pregnancy updates!

Best of luck to you whatever you try


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## lexiecat

Hi Irishflower

thank you.  I agree ******** is difficult... i should get off it too as it can be upsetting but I think I'd miss it too much (sad eh?!). I see that you are so far unexplained. We only recently got our diagnosis so i can only too well relate to how it feels to not know what (if anything) is wrong. I also stress out and feel anxious a lot. And that gets worse when people utter that classic (and utterly infuriating) line ' oh just relax and it will happen'! aarrghh
x


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## Hoppity

I very much understand, and sadly I don't have any tips.

Not only do I work with many pregnant women, my sister in law has had three babies in three years.

It's hard. And each announcement does not get any easier.

But I guess what helps me, is that I am genuinely happy for them and quite enjoy sharing in their joy particularly when it's family (I now am an auntie to NINE!) but yes I do cry when I'm by myself. 

Your friend will naturally be excited but hopefully sensitive too, 

and you're not the worlds worst friend, you're human.


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## irishflower

I know Lexiecat....I am constantly moaning to my hubbie about how insensitive people are but I think he thinks I'm over-reacting half the time!

I thought I'd miss ** too as I used to go on it umpteen times a day but I just don't...it feels quite free not to have to worry about what I'm going to see that might upset me.  Feels like I'm taking control in some way...if that even makes sense!  Still have the occasional peek using my hubbie's account mind you  

Hoppity is completely right...you're just human, we all are, and that's why we struggle with human emotions.  It's completely natural, and would be damaging to try and suppress them too much.

Best of luck to you x


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## Sheilaweb

Lexiecat, I know what you mean, over the years I've lost count of the number of pregnancy announcements I have 'celebrated' through gritted teeth - yes I've been genuinely happy at most of them, but very envious, but when ya literally drop ya drawers and get preggers at the drop of a hat it cuts deep.
I hope that you can congratulate your friend on her 'success' but by the same token, as she's aware of your background, hopefully she won't rub your nose in it - she won't do it intentionally, but no doubt she'll forget about your feelings somewhere along he line.

I've seen it from both sides now, yes when our treatment worked I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and do a naked bum wiggly dance down the street, and sadly, I did lose friends - which I found particularly hard, when some of these friends had been well aware of my own journey to get this far.  Be happy for her, you never know you might be asking for advice and support further down the line.

Sending huge hugs 
Best wishes
Sheila


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## Honor77

Hi *lexiecat*,

Didn't want to read and run, and glad you've already had some good replies to your post and sound advice .

Firstly: I found that the best way to be with friends who knew about our fertility issues was to be upfront - something along the lines of "I'm really happy for you, you deserve this, but please don't be offended or take it personally if I sometimes find it hard to talk to you about or hear about your pregnancy and baby stuff because it's obviously an emotional issue for me right now".

Secondly: A true friend will understand the above and be sensitive and remain supportive of you, even if you now find yourself in different situations. You may find you do end up drifting apart for a while, maybe even permanently, but how you cope or react as friends will no doubt be a reflection of your real friendship.

I'm basing both of these points on my only real "intense" experience of this, I guess, whereby one of my closest friends got pregnant very quickly after we'd already been trying for over 2 years and just found out we needed IVF. She knew everything about our situation and how it had been making me feel, and because we live in different countries, it perhaps made it a bit easier because we obviously weren't going to be seeing much, if anything of each other. Anyhow, I found her whole pregnancy VERY hard, and, yes, at times thought she was insensitive, but I guess it wasn't easy on her either... I did feel like we drifted apart for a while, which was upsetting and confusing, but deep down we both knew we were still there for each other and have come through the other end with our previously strong friendship intact .

Thirdly: Don't beat yourself up over your feelings . The very fact you're thinking badly of yourself as a friend shows you DO care and ARE a good friend. Your feelings are only natural - we've all been there, and while it may be hard for someone who hasn't been through IF to truely understand why, maybe it would help to say how you feel bad that you can't be more excited about her news?

Fourthly: If that ridiculous "just relax and it'll happen" rubbish does come up, please feel free to use my situation as an example! I'd had a miscarriage and lost our beloved kitty within the space of a few months, there was no way we could afford to try again, nor to save to, so I was really depressed and even seeing a fertility counsellor when we were extremely lucky to get a surprise natural BFP. Yes, it CAN happen that people who've been through tx fall pregnant naturally, but in my case, I most certainly wasn't relaxed .

Fifthly: ** is the devil incarnate when you're going through IF . I ended up deactivating my account because I could no longer cope with all the scan pics and happy familiy updates and photos. And I haven't missed it in the least - just gives you more FF time ! If it's really upsetting you, then why not give it a go and deactivate your account? It's really easy to reactivate it again at any time - I sometimes do to have a nose around, but don't post anything and then deactivate it again.

I really hope that when it comes round to meeting her, you'll find that the thought of it was much worse than the reality of it and that she will be sensitive towards you .

xxx


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## lexiecat

Hi girls

thanks for all responses, some very sound advice there! my week hasn't really got any better as another friend has just announced she was successful first month of trying. I just feel like someone is playing some sort of sick joke on me!

anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself 

honor77, many many congrats on your pregnancy. That really is wonderful and does give me hope. I 'm so sorry about your cat, as you can prob guess from my screen name I am pussycat mad. Hope your new fur baby is bringing you lots of joy!

xx


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## Dopey2012

Hi Lexiecat, 

I know exactly how you are feeling, at my work so many people are announcing their pregnancies and to top it off my best friend is about to do the same, the trouble is we both work together, so i know that is the only thing i am going to hear about for the next 6 months, I feel so horrible saying it and when i write it, it sounds even more horrible than when i just think it. 
I am so massively happy for her but i do think why can't it be me for a change. And oh my god the amount of people including my BF who tell me 'it will happen, just give it time', 'its ok your still young' blah blah blah. They just have no idea how angry that makes me and it is ok for them to say those things. 

Unfortunately it is like a kick in the teeth each time someone new announces the good news. I have found that being on FF has helped me understand that i am not the only one out there and it helps to hear other people advice and most of all just to get it off your chest to people that actually understand.

If you don't mind me asking how did you feel after your Lap and dye? I have mine booked in for June and although i am happy to finally be getting somewhere, I am scared at what it might show and what my next steps will be. 

I am happy to chat further with you, if you think it will help as it seems we are both at kind of the same stage and feel the same about things at the moment.

Big hugs and take care.


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## lexiecat

Hi dopey2012

thanks for your msg. I'm sorry you are going through the same emotions as me. I just feel sorta left out with so many friends and aquaintances getting preggers. I just want it to be me waving the scan pic round 

anyway about the lap... do you know since actually getting my endo/tube issue diagnosis I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Obviously i'm gutted my body isn't healthy but at least now we know why we are struggling. After 2 years of being told, it's prob bad luck it was just a relief to be told that something IS wrong and it's not my fault for stressing too much. I'm not sure what our next steps are..seeing my 'delightful' (errr) fertility doc again in a few weeks so will hopefully get a plan of action from there. 

Please don't be scared, the more things that get ticked off the list, the closer you will be to getting answers! I just wish the NHS wasn't so painfully slow...

good luck

xx


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## skye11

Hi ladies,

Having just read all your posts, I just wanted to say that I do sympathise! Lexie, our friend announced she was pregnant a few days ago! They had hardly been trying! To make matters worse, I have my lap & dye on Monday! I am so scared of the general anaesthetic, the whole hospital thing in general and of the results! 

I also felt really bad about my feelings for my pal! I wish it was me! It is so hard hearing their news when I'm about to go and find out why we can't conceive! Our friends clearly struggled telling us their news and that also makes me feel bad as they suppressed their real joy to spare our feelings! 

Why does it have to be this hard? Don't know what I'd do without FF! 

Xx


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## Sheilaweb

Skye11
Wishing you all the very best for Monday, I know that none of us relish the thought of having an operation, but at least with the L&D, you should at least get some answers as to why you're experiencing problems, and they may well be able to complete the HSG too while you're in the land of nod.

Hugs
Sheila


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## ellamc

Hi
I'm new to this today and it's reassuring to hear that other people feel the same.  i feel such guilt over it but i can't help it.
I found out yesterday that a good friend of mine is pregnant and its like someone said earlier, its like a kick in the teeth.  It physically hurts.  I sat crying for the remainder of yesterday and had to leave my desk four times at work today to hide in the toilet and cry.
Over the past couple of years I've felt like someone is having a joke at my expense - two years ago my sister, sister in law and best friend announced their preg within days of each other.  
My sister seems to be able to conceive at the drop of a hat.  And even had a termination last year, i couldn't bear to speak to her at the time and feel incredibly guilty abnout it still.  Then there's been a string of other friends, people at work, two other girls who bullied me through college and of course the ******** scan profile picture that just feels like you're being kicked when you see it.
I started to see a counsellor last year to try to deal with it and find a way to copeand after a few sessions she told me that she was going on maternity leave soon.  I left that day, cried all the way home and never went back.  It just always feels like someone somewhere is laughing at me, it just feels so cruel and unfair. 
i'm so glad my friend told me yesterday and didn't wait till she saw me at a party next weekend as i'd have been a mess.  

I've cried all day, didn't sleep last night and just don't know what to do.  People don't know that i feel like this and don't know that we'd been trying.  i half told my sister the other week and she tried to be helpful (sending me info and ideas) but she just doesn't understand.  Just feel so hopeless

Sorry to go on


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## Hoppity

Ella, it's so true what you say about feeling like the universe is laughing-it always seems now that it's everyone else and not us. I must admit, I almost cried when I read that even your counsellor went on mat leave. If it's any consolation I am sure she found the situation very difficult indeed.

I certainly find that reading these threads and all the support that comes with it really helps. Makes me feel I'm not alone. And I've realised it's ok to cry. Thankfully my partner understands too and doesn't expect me to be brave about it!

I used to live my life in two week blocks-waiting for ovulation, then waiting for AF, it almost sent me insane. Now I live each day as it comes. I've never managed a day where I don't think about pregnancy, but I certainly have easier days and less tears. And when I have a bad day I let myself mope if I'm not working-I tell myself I deserve a PJ day!

Wishing you lots of love and strength, it's a tough journey but at least we share it with friends here. 

Jules x


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## Nosilab

Hi ellamc

It's incredibly difficult isn't it, when you hear other people's announcements.  My best friend recently told me she's pregnant, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it several weeks later    It's just so hard as it was the furthest thing from my mind when she phoned to tell me - to say I was shocked   it an understatement!!  I've cried and cried and cried.  After she called I had to take the following day off work as I just couldn't stop crying, I was in no fit state to have a sensible conversation with anyone!  You're right, it does feel like someone somewhere is laughing, as I'm sat here typing this I'm watching our neighbours play with their little 1 year old in their front garden - they have probably never even heard of FHS levels, or lap and dye, or HSG X-rays etc etc.  They just conceived the good old fashioned natural way, no questions asked.  I took a days holiday today, and as I was wandering around town it seemed that every other woman that passed me in the street was either pregnant or with a little one (or two, or three!).....

So sorry to hear about your counsellor, not great circumstances OR timing.  That was a very unfortunate situation for you to be in.  Don't give up on the counselling though if you feel you'd still benefit from it.  Was the counselling through your fertility clinic?  I'm still seeing mine and I find it really helpful - even though she doesn't have a magic wand to make it all better, she does understand and it's good to get it all off my chest.

Just feel assured that everything you're thinking and feeling is all perfectly normal, it's a very difficult time for you but you know you have all your FF to come and chat to.

Take care   xx


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## ButterflyWishes

Hi lexiecat,

I just wanted to say that I also, like many of the other people who have replied to your post, understand your feelings and I don't think you need to feel like a bad friend for feeling the way you do. You are only human, having a normal human response to a situation that is hard for you.
Just because you are not running cartwheels for your friend doesn't mean you are not happy for her, but its hard to feel instant joy for someone when something that you have struggled with so hard for so long, has come so instantly for them, and I am sure if the situations were reversed your friend would feel exactly the same.

I have been through the same thing since we started ttc three years ago as many of my friends have had babies, as has my sister! I have always found it hard when someone else has announced their pregnancy and I still don't even have a BFP! I initially gave myself a hard time about not feeling instant joy for these people but now I just allow myself to feel however I feel. I know now that it doesn't make me any less of a friend, it simply makes me a human being.
I tend to rant to my other half or someone who is a bit removed from the situation and that makes me feel better, I have a cry, and then I try and do my best to support my friends and be happy for them, the best way I can.

I also think it is important to be open and honest with them about your feelings and how you might find it hard for a while. If you make sure they know you are happy for them but its still hard for you, then if they are real friends they will understand.x


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## Hoppity

Butterflywishes, I agree with being honest and open. When I hadn't told anyone we were ttc, it was so much harder, I felt like I needed a heart of stone (which is not me at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve) Now my close friends, my immediate family, and colleagues (I work in a small team) know that we are awaiting tx. I was initially worried about sharing such details, that they'd think I had no integrity, and that I should be private but you know it's like a weight has been lifted. 

Jx


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## ButterflyWishes

Hoppity,

I am the same and have always been quiet open and honest with my feelings, and like you where my heart on my sleeve normally!
For some reason I have not felt able to talk to many people about not having concieved until recently. I don't know if that was partly because I have tried not to deal with it, and have only recently been to the Doctor, or if it is because of how it makes me feel as a woman, that I have not been able to do the one thing, we are so conditioned to believe we will and should always do evenutally.
However I have recently started to talk about it more and tell more people about it ... People don't always get it right but I have been shocked how many people have been supportive about it (even though there are others who I have felt let down by). Funnily enough it has brought me and my best-friend (who announced she was pregnant after we had been trying for a year and a half) a lot closer together and she has been a rock for me these last few weeks, and I actually don't think she would understand how I feel now, had she not had her little boy! Ironic really!

I have my pelvic exam with the Doctor tomorrow afternoon so booked the whole day off work and my sister texted this morning to say she is taking me for a hot stone back massage in the morning! I nearly cried when I got her message! Such a beautiful thing for her to do.

I am really glad now that I have started to talk about it! We don't know yet where our journey is going to take us but if it becomes a long one I know that other people's support is something that will be a big thing for us! xxx


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## irishflower

I was the same....I am sooo private usually, and it took me almost 4 years of TTC before I told ANYONE but now my close friends and colleagues know, as well as my parents and sisters and it has been amazing how much it has felt like a huge relief!  Difficult telling everyone to begin with, but most have been great and I imagine I'll need their support even more in the months ahead.  Am so glad I made the decision to tell some!


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## Sheilaweb

It's difficult to gauge whats best for you, I came clean about waiting for fertility treatment at my job interview!! If I had got the job then hit them with my schedule of appointments, I don't think it'd have gone down too well, plus, like many of you I wear my heart on my sleeve - I'm on open book. If I didn't get the job it wasn't right for me anyway - but I got the job and my boss and workmates were all very supportive.

My sister only had an inkling of our yearning for a baby when I would get maudlin after too many cocktails !!  But other than that hubby and I put on a united front - we always made excuses not to have babies, yep we reeled them out regularly - we were too selfish, we were enjoying ourselves, we couldn't afford one, we had loads of time, to the yuk hell no !!  But all the while our hearts wanted nothing more.

I did feel like a tremendous weight had been lifted when we eventually came clean about how long we'd been trying to get pregnant, sadly our one and only natural pregnancy ended in miscarriage and the support (because of the 8 years we'd secretly been trying) was total and all encompassing.  

So friends and family were also a wonderful support (as too were the wonderful ladies (and gents) I met here on FF) going through treatment - and it was our absolute pleasure to tell everyone that treatment worked first time. But I really don't know how I would have coped having to tell everyone if the news had been different.

Shouting it from the rooftops isn't for everyone, I suppose you just need to find your 'comfort zone' ie what level of information are you wanting to be made 'public' and how prepared are you for people either being ultra inquisitive, or, avoiding you like the plague.

I often liken fertility treatment to bereavement - people react very differently towards you they either literally embrace you or shut you out completely for fear of the unknown and not wanting to cause upset.

Wishing all you ladies all the very very best - whichever way is best for you, FF and its lovely members will always be here for support, encouragement, friendship and understanding.

Best wishes
Sheila


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## irishflower

Fantastic post Sheila


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## kerrygold

Hi Lexiecat and any others experiencing friend pregnancy envy!

I'm having a blue day.
Just got off the phone to my pg best friend. I try so hard to be cheerful when talking to her and ask her questions as any good friend should but now I just want to cry. Why does it make us feel this way? We've been friends for years but ever since she announced her pregnancy it takes so much energy to pick up the phone and speak to her. She knows my current situation and is very respectful of my feelings, she IS a good friend but at the back of my mind I'm still thinking IT'S NOT FAIR!
Anyway, rant over! Just glad I have a place to let it all out!
Positive thinking to all xx


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## Nosilab

Hi kerrygold, Lexiecat and all the other lovely ladies

kerrygold - I'm having a blue few days too  I'm really trying to put the brave on at the mo but inside I feel like I'm crying constantly. My best friend phoned me a few weeks ago to tell me she's pregnant and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it - at this point in time I don't feel like I'm _ever _ going to come to terms with it. You are a much stronger person than I am, and a much better friend too - at least you've given some energy into chatting to your friend on the phone, I can't even bring myself to do that. Apart from the initial 'announcement' phone call, we've only emailed since then - and that drains me dry of all my energy and leaves me feeling emotional every time. She is being understanding (so far) and says she feels guilty that it's her and not me, but she also feels upset and frustrated that I don't want to be a part of it, and upset that she can't share her excitement with me - at this point in time I just don't want to hear about her pregnancy  So all I can say kerrygold is that you are being a fantastic friend, especially as you talk to your friend on the phone and ask her questions about her pregnancy - that's more than I can do and I've known my friend for 35 years! It most definitely does feel like *it's not fair*!

Hugs to all xx


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## kerrygold

Hi Nosilab

Thanks for your post.
After reading your journey so far I understand why it would be so difficult for you to talk to your friend. DH and I are only just starting out with our investigations so feel very humbled by the difficult choices you're having to make. 

I really hope that you find the strength to talk to your friend, if you've known her for that long she must be pretty special to you and it would be more devastating to lose that one person that probably knows you as well as you know yourself  I hope that I am not speaking out of turn, just something to think about  and anyway, I'm going to need some competition for best actress at the Oscars!!

Lots of love and positive thoughts to all xx


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## Nosilab

Hi kerrygold

You're not speaking out of turn at all    I've just been emailing my friend this morning actually and we are going to try and meet up sometime soon (we live 2 hours apart).  I'm dreading it really, which sounds silly when I've known her for so long - but I'm nervous about seeing her and analysing everything she says or does (or doesn't!).  But I think I need to see her sooner rather than later, before she gets too much of a pregnant tummy.  So yes, looks like we might be going head to head for that Oscar  

Take care   xx


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## Sheilaweb

You ladies are all wonderful friends, it's just very trying when your friends announce pregnancy after pregnancy ad nauseum - crikey some of my friends were even announcing impending grandparenthood in the intervening years I yearned to have my own little bundle.

The one thing that kept me going (and sane), was that one day it *would* be my turn, it had to be, surely ??!
It's soo hard, you genuinely are happy for your friends, but that envious green eyed monster and those feelings of why not me, it's not fair - it really does eat at you. 

If your friends are aware of your infertility, they should have the decency not to shove every scan photo in your face, or, as has happened to me, moaned about vomiting, back ache, swollen ankles etc.... I didn't want to know, short of slapping you in the face and telling you I'd LOVE morning sickness, backache and swollen ankles - please don't MOAN about being pregnant....friends like that I can do without.

Praying soo much that, like me, *your* turn will come too


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## Nosilab

What a _really _ lovely post Sheila, you've brought a tear to my eye. You've summed it up perfectly  xx


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## kerrygold

Yes thanks Sheilaweb, for taking the time to post such encouraging words  

Nosiab, well done for making that first effort to see your friend. Please let me know how it goes, I'm also seeing my friend in a couple of weeks so I'm giving out lots of positive energy to both of us!!

Take care my lovely xx


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## Sheilaweb

You lovely ladies can always let off steam here - I truly believe that FF is just that - a forum to chat, scream, shout, rant and rave with non judgemental, understanding ladies, who understand exactly how you feel - hugs all round
Sheila


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## Nosilab

Thanks kerrygold, will def let you know how it goes.  Sending lots of    to you too xxx

Thank you Sheila, I honestly don't know what I would do without FF, I think I'd prob have gone a bit   by now....well, more than I am already   - it's just amazing to be able to come on here and chat to so many others who understand and who are happy to listen - FF is a lifeline xx


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## madeleineus

Lexie----read my post to Princess Peach on her "Just don't know what to do" thread. And feel free to message me if you have any questions


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## FroggyOne

Hello to everyone! I'm new here. 
I was in similar situation when my best friend was pregnant - and I think it all depends how close you are with your friend- is she a really BEST EVER friend like mine, or just a person you know? 
We have been TTC for a while and I found myself not coping very well with other's children or pregnancies - but when she told me first I cried a lot but at the same time I was very happy for her. She had lots of problems and had to stay in bed for all 9 months and I was trying to support her the best I could. Now when I look at her little boy I know one day I will have mine..... and that's the only one baby I can accept. I love him to bits the same as his mummy. The day he was born I had my last period - then I got pregnant, but my little beanie died in 6wk. She was the first person I told about BFP.
But other babies?? I just can't look at them, I'm literally sick when people talk about pregnancies like in my previous work. Few days ago one of my old friends posted her babie's scan on ** ( the same age as mine would have been now) I just had to remove her, I couldn't even talk to her  
xx


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## Tazmaz

Hi Ladies

Have just been reading through all the comments.

It's been halpful knowing that others feel like I do. DH and myself have so far been told there is no reason as to why it hasn't worked. TTC for  2 years currently on 4th attempt with Clomid and due to have HSG this Friday.

I have really found it hard to cope with the whole thing this month, thought we'd had success only for AF to rear it' ugly head (late)  

I have ended being signed off work as a result, although I am hping to go back next week.  It won't be easy as where I work we have to deal with pregnant ladies every day.  Not only that I was one of many in my work place that finally got married 2 years ago and one by one they have all fallen pregnant except me  , even other people at work that I wasn't expecting to announce they were expecting have done so  needless to say It all got too much and I needed some time out.  Slowly on the road to recovery people keep saying back to normal but I don't think I was ever normal to begin with.

Sharing feelings etc.. on here has been a help as I find friends just don't seem to fully understand just what a big deal it is and after a while they just don't know what to say or do to help.

fingers crossed to all for good news in the future


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## whitehare

Hi - I'm new on here and found this thread really reassuring although I'm sorry so many of you are going through similar thoughts/feelings to me.

Most of my friends have had several babies and I'm currently considering coming off ** for a while as all I see are the photos and tales of lovely family holidays, how well the children have done at school etc.  It's been harder to see all that than anything else because when I'm at work with these people we don't really talk about family matters.

I've only once found it so hard I cried when a friend become pregnant - I think generally I've been so happy for them that it's taken over the green eyed monster and actually the hardest thing I find is not having anyone to talk to about what's going on with me and how I feel.  How can anyone who's had a child naturally understand what it's like to feel that it's never gonna happen.  In addition because all of my girlfriends have kids, and I don't really want to spend weekends with lots of kids cos it's too hard, I feel very lonely and that I can't just ring up a friend and say "let's meet I need to talk" cos she'll want to bring her children with her!  I know that sounds really petty but it's how I'm feeling right now


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## Nosilab

Hi Whitehare

I do really feel for you, and completely understand.  The way you feel about meeting up with your friends is a perfectly normal and understandable reaction, not petty at all.  You just have to be selfish at times like this and do what's right for you and what you feel comfortable with.  Sending hugs   xx


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