# New to FF - looking for support



## mariesmummy (Nov 29, 2011)

Hi
I'm 29 and been married for a year to my husband who is nearly 34.  We have a beautiful daughter who was concieved naturally who is now 3years old, but unfortunately are now finding it difficult to concieve our 2nd.

My history:
After 18 months of trying for a child I went to the doctor and was offered the initial fertility tests, however whilst waiting for my 20th day for the blood tests I discovered I was actually pregnant.  We were amazed and really pleased.  My pregnancy was awful, discovering I had traits for thalassemia and then developing pre-eclampsia.  My daughter however was born following a 3 day labour with the assistance of ventouse cap.

We started trying for baby number 2 when my daughter was 5 months old.  We were thrilled when 18 months later we discovered I was pregnant again, but unfortunately at 8 weeks i miscarried.  The midwife at the EPU advised me to not for another 18 months and to seek medical support if I hadnt concieved after 6 months.

So far I am 13 months ttc and no luck.  I went back to the doctor who referred me to the consultant.  He agreed that something seemed wrong and arranged tests.  the results came through showing my husband has low sperm mobility and the sperm werent high quality (or something like that).  I have also discovered that i am not ovulating properly ( only ovulating every couple of months).
The consultant suggested that the first thing i needed to do was to loose weight as my BMI was 36.  3 months later i have lost nearly 2 stone (having a baby really spurrs you on to diet).
I have got my next consultant app in Feb when he will book me in for a laporoscapy, however he has said that it is most likely that we are going to need IVF specifically ICSI, due to my husbands sperm.

I feel absolutely useless and in denial at mo.  I know that i wont have support from my family if i do have to go down the IVF route, as they are completely against IVF and believe i should just be happy with having my daughter.  Dont get me wrong I love my daughter to bits but i feel useless unable to have another child, especially when so many of my friends and family are falling pregnant without any problems.  My daughter gets upset too as all of her friends have got brothers and sisters and she constantly asks for one - which makes me upset further.  I've recently started bursting into tears over this which i then feel pathetic about.  I havent got people around me who understand my situation - they just tell me to stop worrying and stressing over it and then it will happen, but that is so much easier to say than put into practice.  I have tried to relax a little and have stopped doing the ovulation sticks as it was upsetting me seeing that i wasnt ovulating each month, and i am trying to stop myself from buying a pregnancy test each month just in case i was pregnant ( but again my body teases me making me think that i am each month).

I am hoping that i am not alone in my behaviour and situation and would welcome people who would like to talk and offer any advice.

Thanks Camilla


----------



## lilyisabel (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi camilla 

I'm so sorry to hear you have had such a tough journey so far. I have not had a m/c and can only imagine how hard that must be  

The side I can hopefully reassure you that you are not the only one is the secondary infertility side, I am exactly the same as you love my dd to bits she really is the bees knees but I feel as though there's a massive hole waiting for number two. My nct group are all well into second babies and it's really hard. I go to nursery to pick up dd and see all the heavily pregnant ladies picking up their much younger than my dd kids and I want to scream. This week I was there when one of the mums was telling the headmistress that she was pregnant and could she put this babies' name down I wanted to say no that's my babies place but would have felt a bit  .

Looking at this board you'll see there's a few of us all in the same boat with the same feelings (though some have had very good news recently that's keeping me going ) people have said to me at least you've got dd and believe e I'm grateful everyday for her but that just makes me feel even guiltier for spending so much time and energy on getting number 2 when I could be focussing on her. Though saying that my dd loves babies and would make a fab big sister so part of this is for her. And this   is what I would like to do to those that say stop stressing. Once they've been in our shoes then they can say it. I got pregnant with dd at a very stressful time so personally I think it's a load of nonsense. 

We've ended up having to have icsi due to dh sperm having antibodies (never even heard of this until our first fertility appointment) the tx was fine just long. Unfortunately for me that one didn't work but in was lucky enough to haves frozen and we're going to collect one or two of those mid December. Fantastic news about your weight loss how did you do it? I'm going to take some time off if this tx doesn't work and attempt to lose some weight so any tips gratefully received.

Do you have to tell family what you are doing? Ours don't know, not because we don't think they'll be supportive just that we've had a sad year and don't want them to be worrying about us on top of this. They don't need to know, they wouldn't know the ins and outs if it was natural so why do they have to know if it isn't? Some friends know and they are fantastic and this site is amazing for support, everyone understands.

I think I've written a novel... I wish you weren't going through this but you're definitely not the only one and your feelings sound pretty similar to mine over the situation.

Also on a positive note I saw on the Internet that Chris evans and his wife are pregnant again this weekend. They had their first no problems but have had to resort to ivf for number two and they got there in the end, from the sounds of it there may have been more than one cycle. I thought this was great news and it is more common than we think.

Take care
L x


----------



## mariesmummy (Nov 29, 2011)

Hi lilyisobel

Thanks for the reply, it really means something to know that there are others out there who are feeling the same way that I am.  

In regard to the weightloss, I have been doing Slimming World extra easy plan and lots of exercise - I've got right into swimming and Zumba now.  I would highly recommend the slimming world diets if you do decide to go on a diet, becuase its so easy to follow and its just like a normal healthy balanced diet.

Im not sure I would be able to not tell my family anything, but i have definately got the strength from reading peoples comments on this website to argue my side, and inform them that i am going to go through with it whether they like it or not.  

What I would like to know is do you know if £4000 is typical price for ICSI treatment as this is what my consultant suggested?  Would we have to pay for that upfront?

Thanks again for the reply and support

Camilla


----------



## lilyisabel (Jul 21, 2011)

Hey camilla,

There are quite a few of us all feeling the same unfortunately 

We've not added up the total cost of the icsi yet and don't want to until we've safely got our positive. The costs can vary - my clinic does the cost of the treatment separately and then adds the drugs on top. The icsi itself was about 2900 (800 of that being icsi so 2100 for ivf) however on top of that as well as the drugs there's blood tests, the **** fee and then costs if you get embryos left for freezing and storage. I would recommend budgeting at least 6k for it all and the extras if it's icsi. My clinic didn't charge extra for blast culture (taking the embies from day 3 to day 5) but I know that some do. I'm also just outside London so probably not the cheapest place either   I've paid in bits - the icsi package had to be paid in full at the time of the first scan (as had this frozen cycle I'm doing now) the drugs you just pick up and pay as and when the same with the freezing that's paid much later, we ended up paying at our follow up consultation nearly a month later.

Thanks for the slimming world tip, if this tx cycle hasn't worked I'm going to attempt to lose a bit of weight. I've just been putting it off thinking next month I'll be up the duff so what's the point. I think I've realised now that's not likely so we'll have a break in the new year. It'll be lovely to get off this roller coaster.


----------



## lilyisabel (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry am on my iPad and it's not great for editing posts I can't get back to the bottom of the message if I go into the middle so I had to post before finished. 

Take care and hope you're enjoying the run up to Christmas with your dd 
L x


----------



## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi Camilla,

Sorry to hear about your struggle - I can totally sympathise, we are in a similar situation. I have a DD who is the love of our life and we know we are so blessed. But she has started to say how she wants a brother - all her friends come from families with more than one sibling. I have noticed that sometimes she just plays alone even when they are round and feel so guilty / responsible for not being able to give her someone to share her little life with. We have tried so hard to give her a sibling but it just aint happening for us and with my age and circumstances I really cant see it happening now.

It is such a shame that your family arent supportive - it is so much easier when you can lean on them. Try not to get bogged down with their negativity towards IVF - they simply dont understand that it is possible to have a child and still ache for another one.

On the positive side, I have a friend my age who was from a single child family and I asked her one day how much she thought she had missed out by not having siblings - she turned it around and made me see it from a different point of view. She doesnt miss what she never had and is very sociable so it didnt make her a loner (which was my biggest worry). She also has plenty of friends with sisters / brothers they absolutely dont get along with - what I am trying to say is that she probably asked for brothers and sisters too when she was the same age as our kids but it has never affected her in the slightest. 

Take care and wishing you luck with the treatment if you do go down that route.

Debbie
x


----------

