# What Positives about you? have come out of IF?



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello
This is a journey that you wouldn't wish upon anyone...and of course its not also just about infertility, but for those facing a different life through illness etc....
Many of you mention that you feel that you are more empathetic because of this expereince. I totally agree with YOU and i actually embrace and like that aspect of myself...So here, here to all of us!!!
At one time i didn't like myself, because it brought out so many different emotions that i couldn't understand? and even though it was painful and the path i had to take. i think thats whats moulded me into the person i am today..
Irisheyes mentioned in one of her posts, that she can help and assist someone in the early stages of infertility and it made her feel good about being able to help in someone. I think that proves that you are a very Selfless person!! Also it could mean that you are entering into a relationship that could cause pain for you in the long run...But you wanted to help others...
I am so pleased to say that i am a woman who has a very good marriage, but it has been stretched to its limits..as most of us have mentioned through different posts..
I sometimes wonder if i had had a baby at the beginning of our relationship, i wouldn't have what i have today...So to me that is a positive and valuable thing to come out of IF..
I know my friends and i cherish the good ones. I am pleased to say i surround myself by people that care about me and vice versa...
I have learned to share my inner feelings and emotions with people that care 'Like Everyone on Here'..Because i feel safe to do so...
I feel alot stronger and i feel that i have moved to a different plain, where i am far more in touch with other peoples emotions..
I do not walk away from people and cross the road, i take the risk to ask if they are ok....i don't need an answer, but just to let them know that i have thought and cared about them..
I hope this doesn't sound like i am blowing my own trumpet...but i think sometimes we need to sit down and say what good has come out of this. If it means we have gained as individuals then there has been something good thats come out of this...
Please share your views...
love astridxxx

p.s oh yeah now the not so nice side... 
I can lose it wth my hubby at times...
I thump him when he snores...
I am happy if he goes away for a few days and i can sit and eat chocs and call my friends up...
I don't feel guilty if i don't fancy the pub...go on your own....
and the one that makes him alittle worried is family do's, when i have had a drink....ummm things come out? i say what comes to my mind and never think of the consequences..ooops
ohhhhh its endless...!!!


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

It's not easy to pick out anything strikingly 'new' about me as a result of going through IF, but here's a list of the things that are clearer to me as a result of this journey;

1) I'm better at imagining different ways of living, can relax and go with the flow more than I thought,
2) I can accept my hubby seeing things from a different perspective more easily, while still admiring / loving him,
3) I can measure my own stress levels better, and allow myself more rest and chill out time without feeling guilty or like I 'should' be doing something,
4) I'm tougher than I ever knew, surviving something that I never thought I would
5) Bizzarely, I laugh more than I ever have, and I see that as a deliberate effort to 'suck the marrow' out of life. Sounds crazy, but hubby and I have never had such a good time together as during the three months following my m/c. Call it the 'don't let the b*****ds grind you down' approach,
6) my opinion of women in general has gone up, mostly as a result of seeing how supportive they are when their own s**t is hitting the fan, on this site.

Here's the not so good stuff;

1) I'm more judgemental about some kinds of people (just to contradict my last point) who just drift through life not thinking about the havoc they are wreaking, or appreciating their good fortune. I sometimes hear myself shouting at the telly and sounding like a Daily Mail reader - not good.......
2) I've lost some of my generosity of spirit; sometimes it's really hard to be happy for other people, and I hate the jealous and spiteful thoughts that just land fully formed in my head,
3) I get angry with the universe for, as I sometimes see it, forcing me to carry yet another banner around; I already had 'Divorced parents / Crap Dad', 'Divorced myself', 'Infertility problems', 'Miscarriage' and now, probably, 'Childless'. Sometimes, they all get a bit heavy and I run out of hands.....

On balance, but not to sound to hippy about it, I'm at peace with where I've landed as a result of all this stuff, and I'm certain I'll get an answer to the question, 'Why me?'

Have a good Friday night ladies, wherever you are...... Me, I'll probably be in the pub later, reading the local newspaper, and looking at the puppies for sale column (and I've got two dogs already!).

One week into this new stage of the journey, and I wouldn't be anywhere near as sane as I feel had it not been for you guys. Thank you........


Leoarna xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls,

What heartfelt posts, they were actually quite difficult to read, and brought a lump to my throat.  Why does this s*it always happen to the nicest ones ? ...........

Like you say girls, maybe, it's because of this, that we have become nicer, "better", stronger people.

Here are my positives:

1.  This whole experience has made me much more empathetic towards people in this and other difficult situations
2.  It has helped "weedle" out the genuine friends from the ones that I didn't even realise never cared THAT much
3.  It has really, really, really, strengthened the relationship between me and my wonderful DH.  Nothing could ever touch us now ...
    It can be easy for couples with children to kind of "hide their problems behind the kids".  What I mean is, problems get sweeped under the carpet because their main focus is their children - which can unfortunately be - an excuse to get on with "the everyday" and "conveniently forget" about problems within their relationship.
4.  If it wasn't for all this, I wouldn't ever have considered doing a counselling course and ultimately, being able to help others
6.  I AM a strong, determined, woman 
7.  It has made me stronger and more assertive (ie.  I now have the strength to "pass on" the baby photos to the next person without even looking at them.  If "friends" have the addassity to do that to me in public, I now have the "addassity" to pass them on .....  I now have the strength just to "not bother" replying to e-mails sent from "friends" that never normally contact me, only to announce their pregnancies.
8.  I am learning at last, to count my blessings, and appreciate and enjoy the "today" more, rather than worrying/striving to always find better/happier days tomorrow.  I think this is a big route to happiness ... 
9.  Recently, I have done alot of soul searching.  I have read more books in the past 3 months than I have done in the last 10 years and I am educating myself, becoming more spiritual, and more at peace with the world in general.
10.  Generally, I feel like a richer person with alot more to offer now.

Astrid, I can also empathise with the "snoring".  A few months ago, Stuarty was snoring soooo loud, the kicking and punching thing was wearing thin and tiring me out.  So, I tried a wee "experiment".  I held his nose .......... and thought, OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING?? He's not breathing!  I'm about to murder my husband!!!!   

Love to all,
Gill xo


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Well, Gill, if that didn't make me laugh out loud! Will have to threaten Nick with that next time it gets to much!

Great post hun, makes me want to catch a train and have a cup of tea with you - bloomin long train ride it would be, though! 

Leoarna xx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

I think the most positive thing for me that has come from our experience is we came out emotionally (if not fiscally) in tact! At one point I had my doubts.

More than a year on I now recognise my old self, the self that was content, happy, carefree, fun loving.  Not the self that morphed into something which was at the opposite end of the emotional spectrum during all the tx stuff.

Like Gill, I feel "richer" with more empathy and understanding than I had a few years back.

Leoarna, don't worry about the jealous and spiteful thoughts, I think it's natural. In time they drift away a

flipper


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Am thinking about this and will reply tomorrow when i have more time!!


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi lovely ladies   what a helpful thread. I just so hope that it is a case of that old cliche that 'time is a healer' in terms of me being able to identify with the positives you guys shared that have come out of your IF journeys. Admittedly I am still only 5 months since all my treatment had to end, and at present I only feel a worse person not a more empathetic or caring one. 

I seem to have developed this horrible angry bitterness towards anyone who gets preg whatever journey they may have been on, and this was highlighted to me so badly yesterday when I learnt that family friends had got a positive result after just one IVF attempt. Instead of feeling nothing but relief for them  that they had been saved from any further infertility pain,  I felt nothing but very painful raging jealousy which made me feel terrible. I felt so bad that despite having known first hand how horrific going through IF treatment is, I couldn't even feel happy for a couple who had now escaped that same painful path as DH & I. 

I thought it was just hearing of natural pregs that upset me most, but it seems the ugly reality at present is it is far more painful hearing about IF treatment success stories, which just feel like continual punches in my heart and that horrible feeling which I know isn't true but of thinking what was so bad about DH and I that we didn't deserve an eventual success story. Sorry to be so bitter today but  I am very, very down and this has all really touched a painful nerve. I feel so bad that I at times I always feel so much weaker than the rest of you guys on here, who bless you, you always despite the pain, still manage to search for and find some threads of positive in this area of loss. I will cling onto your positives and hope that some time down the line I'll be able to add some of my own  
Love & hugs
Hippy


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hippy, 

Big, big hugs, luv......

This journey is as individual as we are ourselves. I have a strong suspicion that at any given moment any of us could drop down into the fog that you appear to be wading through right now. That means conversely that you could pop up out of it any time now too. Try to think of your thoughts as 'just thoughts' and not representative of you. They are like clouds that move through your head, as they do through the sky, and you can choose whether to look at them closely or whether to let them float on through. Your perception of yourself as weaker is only that, i.e. just a perception, and I could meet you tomorrow and talk with you and come to an entirely different conclusion. 

I'm quite into a lot of that positive thinking literature, and although there are definitely strong arguments for dismissing it all as b*ll*cks, it might help you to see your circumstances from a different angle. Such books tend to take the line that although we can't do much about the things that happen to us, what we can do is exercise some choice in how we look at these things, however hard a moutain that may seem to climb.  

I also experience those horrible jealous moments to the point of not recognising my usual easy-going self in the things that I think. You are NOT ALONE. I have also had moments of feeling utterly empty, but I find that they pass. I tend to say to them, 'go on, do your worst' and when I do that, it is as if I have called their bluff and they end up not being so bad.....

Don't give in, don't stop writing, don't stop looking for some peace, and keep on being here..... We are all looking out for you!

More luv, hun, 

Leoarna xxxxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Leoarna - what beautiful words of wisdom THANK YOU so much and big  to you.
Love
Hippy
x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

You are welcome, and I can guarantee you that I'll be giving all you ladies here the chance to prop me up some time in the near future, such is the nature of this topsy turvy ride!

Leoarna xxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, i think in time we do become a bit more positive-maybe thats the wrong word. accepting is probably more appropriate.

Last year especially when i was going thru tx and then when it failed i hated everyone who seemed to have things easy.

This year i seem to have become more accepting-it doesnt mean i dont have any bad days- i really do but as others said i try to make it thru the days without getting too upset and if i see someone  i think will upset me i remove myself from the situation (either mentally or physically).

I think my main areas of positive change are that:

a. i empathise more with others(although i think i learnt that early on as my brother died young-that changes a person)

b. I have become a bit more selfish about "me time"-that sounds funny saying selfish is a positive but it is for me. I (being the oldest girl and an organiser to boot!)have always tried to fit everyone in and now if i feel i cant do it/go see someone i dont feel as guilty. It started when i refused to go to the christenings last year. I KNEW i couldnt do it and wasnt going to put myself thru it to make others happy when i was dying inside.

c. I dont "hate" everyone now that i see with a bump/young baby. I do still feel envious but i dont want to kill them!!! 

d. I see the people i want to see and not people i feel i "should" see.I too have realised who my true friends are thru my infertility journey(including you girls!!!)

Thats the main things- on that note i did see my 6th month pg niece(well dh's niece) at the 60th do the other nite. I couldnt say " god you look huge" to **** her off as she was so bloody neat!!!! I did manage to talk to her and even ask about the baby!!!! Couldnt believe i did it!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
Firstly Hippy, you are just experiencing just natural feelings. The same thing happened to me earlier this year a friend of mine got pregnant through IVf. Her first attempt and i was actually beside myself. I found out at the park through a text message and i cried for days. I really can relate to you, i felt sad and also angry with the fact 'lucky her'. Even though as you say she had to go through an IVF. Then to top the lot she was having twins and then sends me a text saying she would rather have girls than boys..Please do me a favour and keep out of my way...
So even though it hurt, i don't think it made me an awful person, but sad for our own misfortune. I think Leoarna said it all really, fabulous words.. 'they are thoughts and not representative of you'. I think that is beautiful...
It all takes time Hippy and i can put my hand on my heart and say i am still having crappy days. But i can still see the good and bad bits about myself. But i do feel that i have come out a better person for this  journey...
Do you think you can see that about yourself Hippy? maybe if you write it down on a piece of paper and look at your qualities, i am sure it will stand out a mile...You seem strong to me, just by even writing the truth and acknowledging your feelings says a lot about you...
Irisheyes when you say Selfish, i think you are right in the sense of refusing to do things you find difficult. But i also think its a sense of protection and the hurt is more than a few hours at a christening or birthday party. I think thats more about Being Real About Yourself and yours strength of character..
Thank goodness we have each other!!
love astridx


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