# End of therapy & still no coping mechanisms



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Well, I've just finished my course of therapy and I'm not sure what I thought about it.  It was really helpful to have someone listen, to say what was appropriate and normal but her only suggestions for coping mechanisms now that my journey has ended was more therapy.

I know that this is a forever thing, but surely there are ways of coping when that black cloud comes over?  I am a step parent, so it's like living with that over zealous pregnant friend / mother, the reminder never goes away.  I don't want to fall into depression every time my stepson wants to talk about his birth (which has been every weekend for the last few months).  

I hate this constant cycle of doing ok and then feeling dreadful at the slightest thing.  We've had the longest good patch since all this began (just over a week   ) and then a friend from work sent me a long email all about her new born son.  I knew that I shouldn't have opened it but I couldn't stop myself.  I can't avoid it forever, everyone has children, my DH just doesn't get that it's something that you have to swallow and try to cope with as much as you can.  I can't run away from it for forever (certainly not when he already has children and when society is so child centric)

All I can think about today is how utterly wonderful it would be to be waiting with our baby for my DH to come home from work.  I'd give anything not to be waiting in a quiet house  

Sorry for the depressing outlook.  I spoke to someone at work who went through this 10 years ago and has learned to live with it but still feels every bit of the pain, even the better self help books say how it took a decade or so to start to see some light.  My sister adopted, and I have a beautiful niece, but she still feels the pain.  What kind of future outlook do I have, it seems pretty bleak to me  

I just hope to hear from people who've either moved on and found their own coping mechanisms or who's counsellors have suggested something useful.  Thank you so much for reading x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Oh Molly sorry you're still finding it so tough. There are no one size fits all solutions, we all just have to find our own path.  
We had out third and final cycle last November and decided on adoption as our way forward. We are just 1 month away from approval panel now. The whole process has made me so much more positive. I look back now and I thought I coped well with ivf but for 5 years of us ttc I was constantly on the verge of tears, I just felt so over emotional the whole time. For the first time in 7 years we are planning and imagining our future instead of being worried and superstitious the whole time. I can not wait to be a mum and adoption will give me that. Yes I can't have everything that a birth mum can have but do you know what I'll take what I can get instead of having nothing. In many ways I'm getting more than a birth mother does, not only am I getting to be a mum but I'm also going to be giving a child a future they may not have had and for me that far outweighs the bits I miss out on. 
I can honestly say I do get the odd pang of jealousy when a pregnancy or birth is announced but it lasts about 30 seconds before I'm back to thinking about my future and my family.
Time is a healer but you also need to give yourself something to focus on for your future. 
Good luck and I hope you can find some peace with this soon.


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## 2Buttons (Jul 11, 2012)

Hi Molly, what sort of therapy did u have and how many sessions over what timeframe?

I saw a pyschotherapist once a week for about 7months, I only stopped seeing her so my husband could see her about something work-related which he did once a week for 3/4mths. I still have her #, she was brilliant. Yes, the talking helps u to express emotions and simply breathe but I also got some tools for stopping me thinking about something negative/removing myself mentally. It's a personal thing we worked out together so yours would be different. Re communicating with DH have u considered non-violent communication, it's s good book/concept on how to keep the heat out of a conversation. Oh and practicing staying in the present rather than wallowing in past grievances is good too. If therapy really doesn't help then you may need some antidepressants, there's no shame in that, I know lots of people who have/do take them and they definitely work.

I'm not saying it's easy but u can get to a better place and for all ur difficulties with stepchildren, maybe it's naive, but I wish we had some.

Is your sister with adopted child no help for you to talk things through with?

My DH and I try to have a holiday post ivf and indulge, in a way parents can't, lie-ins, sex at all times, 2seater sports cars, best seats at the opera, we took up golf last year, ...I know money can be tight but I take the opportunity to remind DH and myself when we do things we couldn't as parents - that there are still many things to enjoy in life.

As before good luck to you. Xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you so much Becs and Buttons x

Your replies have really helped me.  I felt pretty surprised that my counsellor didn't help me to come up with any short term coping mechanisms.  She was through a scheme at work, I guess that it's more temporary emergency help or for things that aren't quite so long term.

My DH is using it too and his counsellor has been suggesting loads, but his need is more for escaping the intensity of our situation so they'd work well for him.

Your counselling outcomes make a lot of sense Buttons, it is staying in the present that I am really struggling with because I do think that our recent past are a big part of why we're here now and I'm finding it so hard to let go.

It's funny isn't it, the grass is always greener!  I love my step children very much, they really do add to my life.  I can't pretend that it isn't the hardest thing that I've ever had to do either.  To watch your DH have children with another woman, to never see a school play or sports day, to have them with you for just a fleeting moment and then gone back to their real mum, to have the most important parts of your own fertility journey made so unbearably stressful because your DH didn't want to swap an access weekend or the ex said no, grandparents who believe you're selfish to want your own baby because it will upset the existing children, my dh not wanting adoption because it will upset the kids and his ex will be I involved.....  

Sorry, I'm absolutely not having a go at you lovely, I do get that maybe some sort of child is better than none and I am grateful for my wonderful steppies. The reality is also that the stress of it could have been a major factor possibly a contributing factor to our failure so it's just so raw  

All of our situations are just rubbish.  Sigh, I clearly do need more counselling.

Thank you again xx


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## 2Buttons (Jul 11, 2012)

Hugs Molly  , just to share my experience. I gave up my career about 4 yrs ago, in case stress wasn't helping, but it made no difference. My DH has attended 1 out of 6 ETs and has been away for work for nearly all my 2wws... I guess I'm saying even if things were different and u didn't have stepkids or an ex to manage, you may still face the frustration of DH not being there...ie the difficulty is still there, it's about approach, you mention about not wanting to let go but you know the opposite approach is to choose something to embrace...you are the key in this and I would imagine therapy is the best guidance for challenging your thought patterns, so you can break out of the maze or at least see over the hedges. 

Some examples, my pyschotherapist doesn't directly ask me 'how do you feel about the recent failed cycle?' She's much more likely to say, imagine that pain is in the room with us, what shape is it? what colour? Are you attached to it? Can you move it? These are mind games but it definitely breaks you out of patterns and try new approaches and it's kinda fun. We also do an exercise where we find a suitcase in a house and then go through it's contents...all of which relate to unresolved emotions/pains...but at the end of the session, I get to ' leave ' the suitcase there. It's just so unusual, it got me through a really bad patch. I have a visualisation exercise with hand movements to literally stop me from thinking about something negative. The more I do it the faster it works. Re staying in the present I just catch myself and think, what can I smell? Hear? See? ....having said all of that, some things just take time, I wish I could take your pain and frustration away, I wish I could tell you why this has happened and certainly I agree it is unfair...but I have a lot of blessings to count... That's another exercise   before u go to bed each night think of 6 things you are grateful for. Oh yeah and exercise, boost those endorphins.

Anyway, enough from me, I hope u are back on track soon


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your experience Buttons, yes, it seems that some men are just not going to be supportive (or even there) whatever the circumstance  

My DH came to about half of the appointments but made it very clear that it was over for him straight after every transfer and made the 2WW so stressful that I'm sure that it played a part.  He also took the kids on a mini break every test day.

Forgiveness is a massive thing.  I'm working on it, sometimes I think that I've nearly made it but then something really tiny can set it off again    My therapist said that I concentrate too much on trying to understand and resolve things for my DH, I really do but it helps me to try and find a way out because my DH won't do anything and just pretends it never happened.  I need to just sit back I guess and let him do what he needs to do and concentrate on myself but my mind feels like it's going to explode with a million different things all going around at the same time.

My therapist did a similar 'where does that sit in your body', I spent probably more time trying to figure out where I was feeling it that it probably didn't help me as a visualisation technique!  I absolutely love the approaches that yours uses and your think, see, hear, smell.  I'm definitely going to try that.

Thank you again for sharing x


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