# Fed up of people telling me I can easily have a baby!



## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Ladies,

I am just feeling the need for a vent today.

This morning I had a lady pull a magazine out and show me a story about a lady in her 40s who had a baby when she thought she was infertile. Bare in mind I didn't even mention babies or my fertility to her, she's only aware I've suffered mcs in the past. I was a bit taken back and didn't really know what to say as I'm presuming shes trying to tell me I can still have a baby because this lady in a magazine managed. I just landed up saying I have very low egg reserves which causes problems, she more or less dismissed that and said it will happen. 

Honestly I felt so angry and at the moment I'm going threw DEIVF because this is now my only option. Why on earth do people feel the need to poke there nose into my fertility when they know nothing about my medical situation. I have enough pain to cope with without people shoving a magazine under my nose and making me feel like a total failure. 

Any advice on how to deal with these situations? I just feel like swearing at people   

P.S The world really needs to be educated!


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Sorry you have had to deal with this  

I think it comes from a good place, which is important, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard to hear. It happens to people all the time when they are having a tough time, and well-meaning people just make it worse without realising it. My friend has a very bad form of MS and people always say to her "im sure you will get better" or "you just need to be positive", which we always laugh at because if all that people needed to get better was a bit of positivity then why would they take 30 tablets a day, rely on a wheelchair, and have IV infusions  

I honestly think the only thing you can do is make a decision as to wether you want to just let them walk away with their naivety, or you want to put them right. I think with some people the best thing to do is just change the subject, or physically remove yourself from them. In other circumstances I actually have just put them right, quite brutally sometimes. Some people might think that's harsh and that I have upset someone, but they are my friends and I can assure you that they probably aren't as upset by the situation as I am by it. If the roles were reversed and my friend/colleague was having a difficult time that I didn't understand I would be more than happy for them to put me right. 

Make whatever decision is right for you honey, and also what's right for you at the time - we all have ups and downs and some days things like this break us, and other times they make us roll our eyes and half laugh at the stupid irony.

Oh, and one last thing that I had the other week that was a "laugh or cry" moment: after telling a nurse about my health and my fertility history she said "I know how it feels, I was infertile. It took me 23 months to have my 4th child...." She was very lucky that I was having a relatively good day and just said "oh, right, yes" rather than trying to ram a speculum down her throat  

Xxxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Absolutely amazing advice from Cloudy.

My response was always: 'That's wonderful for them but in no way is it a reflection of my own situation'.

People give very misguided attempts at advice when they don't know what else to say. Only those close to us ever learn that it's better just to remain silent than to try to offer false platitudes - and even then they often get it wrong 

I remember having it out with my mum. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after a series of bad cycles and a m/c. She kept saying things like 'it will happen' and 'such a person got pregnant after 5 years'.  I said that it really wasn't helpful. While it's great for them that it worked,  it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

She said I was out of order and had to understand that people just didn't know what to say or do. I said that that was great. Not only did I have to come to terms with my own grief,  I had to feel sorry for OTHER people for not knowing how to handle my grief. I also said that if anyone actually bothered to ask, rather than just making stupid comments, I would happily tell them how they could help me and what was and was not ok to say. 

Tough as it is to take, unfortunately the world doesn't work like that and until it does people are still going to make inane comments and, as hard as it is, you have a choice to either be offended or to ignore it.  In the end, I learned to nod and smile while completely ignoring anything that was said/changing the subject. Anything else just left me too upset.


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Ladies,

Thanking you both so much for the advice on this I really appreciate your comments, many times now I find myself getting upset by people dishing out pointless silly advice and even though deep down I know they mean well it still doesn't make it any easier. 

Cloudy - Sorry to hear about your friends illness. My uncle suffered with the worst form of MS for 20 years. My nana always said there will never be a cure for this and it says in the bible named the crippling disease. My uncle fell off a roof at 16 and was almost killed, my nana thought his fall brought on his diagnosis at the age of 30. 
I have had lots of people telling me "I know how you feel" when they have never been in my situation   people don't use there brains before opening there mouths. I could go on all day about the things people have said to me  

Mandypandy - My mum has struggled to understand all this as well and sometimes shes caused me frustration. She kept on asking if I was pg. I wasn't going to tell her about DEIVF but I landed up caving because her questions were getting too much. I had to sit her down and explain everything to her best I can. I have apparently upset my sister with my replies too, I get what your saying about having to feel bad because other people don't understand.

I have taken your advice on board and from now on rather than trying to explain why I don't yet have a baby I will change the subject, at the end of the day I don't need to explain my fertility issues to anybody anyway.

Thanks again and sorry to see you both had painful struggles. 

Mandypandy Congratulations on your pg   Xx


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## Guest (Jan 10, 2016)

Victoria I totally know how you feel as well   I wish people could be more understanding, kinder & more sensitive about MCs and IF. I could fill up the insensitive stories thread some days!  Keep going and stay strong. Sending you some good vibes   Hopefully all this will be behind you soon in a good way and you'll look back with a lot of understanding that will be so helpful to anyone you come across going thru it in the future! All the best for 2016 xx


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Aww thanks Merlin, I'm really sorry to see you have struggled with mcs too, its so very painful and insensitive comments is not what we want to hear   people just don't understand. I certainly am hoping I can put all this behind me and hoping for some goodluck on the Spain IVI thread  

All the best to you too Xx


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