# Has IF changed the way you interact with people?



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi folks

I am struggling to find the words here so I hope it doesn’t come across too crazy sounding – I’ve noticed over the years that I don’t relate to people in the same way any more because of my IF. I am more reticent to strike up new friendships, I tend to keep myself to myself at work and when I am around kids I really clam up now… perhaps this is a defence mechanism I’ve created all for myself?

The thing is I have the capacity to get on with kids so well, I was always one of those people who were a kiddy magnet, I loved their company and they apparently love me too – occasionally when I let the barriers down I find I’ve still ‘got it’ but its just too painful to let those barriers down much nowadays… I remember the times DH would look at me adoringly and say to me when we were on our own what a wonderful mother I would make… then I remember how he would do the same in later years only to say I would have made a wonderful mother, its very sad for both of us.

When I’ve been around DH’s family or other people who know I can’t have kids I have not been able to bear the pitying looks I get from people when I have been interacting with any of their kids – I don’t want their pity, I’ve never wanted anyones pity! This puts me off going anywhere near any of their kids!

Sometimes I feel as if my IF has been put under a magnifying glass by others and they feel they have the right to ask the most intrusive and personal questions… I seen an old acquaintance a while ago whilst out shopping and although I hadn’t seen her for years it didn’t stop her pumping me for information about my lack of offspring – this woman knew that I was IF from the age of 27 after 2 ectopic pregnancies… I told her I found her questions very offensive and I really didn’t feel up to discussing private aspects of my life with her over my shopping trolley – its not like she ever kept in touch with me after any of my losses, she was one of them who went on to have her family and faded away, you know?

I’m struggling a bit with all of this at the moment because of my MIL and her horrible attitude towards me regarding my IF, and I feel for my DH; its like we are cut adrift from the rest of them and although I can’t stand them and it pleases me not to have much in the way of contact with them it saddens me for his sake to know that they are treating him with derision purely because he is with me! 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Love,
Emcee x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi Emcee, 

You've said plenty that will ring bells in the regular thread-readers heads, including mine. 

I live in a small community, and although my strategy has tended to be that I rather people knew about my infertility (to stop then asking stupid questions; there aren't many people under 50 here so the prospect of a new baby gets them all excited) I do really hate being the object of anyone's pity. It make's me want to stretch my neck upwards to its fullest extent to rise above it all, and makes me want to try very hard to be 'successful' on my own terms so that it's clear to everyone I am fulfilled. So to answer your question, does it change the way I interact? Absolutely. I don't see that we have any choice but to cushion the blows of the daily onslaught of media frenzy / insensitive people / the general masses pushing their prams around. We have to look out for ouselves - who else can do that for us? At one end of the pendulum swing, I get angry about 'having' to be a different person for my own sanity and protection, and at the other end I am grateful that I have the strength / intelligence / foresight / self belief to do what I must to feel sane. 

Emcee, whenever I read your posts I am proud of you for your being able to be so clear and straight with people who say stupid stuff.... It makes me want to meet you so that some of it rubs off on me; a few times this summer someone or other has really deserved a sharp talking to from me, and they haven't got it and I've spent days picking myself up. So you may not always like the fact that that is who you've become, but remember that in some ways you are an inspiration to others, not least when I'm dealing with my own MIL. 

Buddhists would say that we bring about our own suffering through our inability to develop acceptance of any given situation. A very valid point of view, and one to consider if your 'reactions' to your in-laws wear you down. But, if you also get a little strength from sticking up for yourself, and actually are secretly proud of that fire that rages in your belly, don't let it go. A 'middle' path can be struck!

You are fine just as you are, and only we few can even begin to understand what you face every day. For the rest of the folk you know that don't, smile on knowing that there's always one of us on line!


Love to you, Leoarna x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Emcee
I couldn't agree more with what Leoarna has said to you regarding this post!!!
I think you are one of the nicest and kindest people that i have met through this whole IF journey. You take every opportunity to show empathy towards teveryone and your posts are very heartfelt, constructive and level headed only with that person in mind..
Now concerning your family!! Are they flipping Mad? 
I cannot beleive that your family members cannot see that having someone like you in the family is more of an asset. You are a very caring and lovely person and i cannot understand where they are coming from? I know it sounds contrite, but its true you cannot choose your family but you can your friends. The trouble is we cannot ignore the family all the time, they are there with us all the time..
Well i am sorry but if they treat you and your hubby with such an awful attitude about not being able to have children.. Its just dreadful! Where is the compassion for such a difficult and painful journey that this IF causes...
I cannot believe that you are their source of what i call bullying.Sorry but they are not worth the snot up your nose!! Well all i can say thank goodness your hubby is with you. Are you sure that they do not envy the relationship and closeness you have with him? Are they lacking it in their lives, so they try and riddicule yours? They are just mean spirited people..
Please do not answer to them Emcee in anyway. I don't how you can draw the line, but maybe think of a way to distant yourself....easier said than done i know...This IF is no ones FAULT and if they cannot see this, then why bother explaining..They will not change..
Sorry i hope i haven't gone on too much..
As far as making relationship and not relating to people in the same way because of IF. Well maybe Emcee take a good look back and think on the relationships you did have? Were they worth it? Were they truly the people you wanted to surround yourself with?
I have to say my address book has only a few names in it and of course i find it sad. However, look at you now, you took control when you bumped into the lady in the supermarket. And basically you wouldn't discuss what has been a painful subject, only to fall on deaf ears. She wasn't interested then and she isn't now, only to feed her mind with just abit of gossip. Well its not gossip and its not a 5 minute conversation so why waste it on people like her..So you are in a more powerful position to also choose what you want in your life..That shows strength..
Yep you are right Emcee. IF does take alot away from you, concerning freinds and relationships. But it also gives us a new insight into what is good as well...
And the thing is you are GOOD and just believe that...most people in life will never get a fraction of your personality and warmth..So hold your head up high. Your family are lucky that they have you in their lives, not the other way round. 
Love astridxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I think it must change the way we interact with others because a childless woman seems to be almost automatically the object of at best curiosity, at worst pity and that can frame your expectation and subsequently your interaction style.

If you tell people they can pity you and I've noticed a tendency to devalue your (fruitless) marriage and if you don't tell people they tend to assume it's because I'm the hard hearted woman who gave up a family in persuit of a career.  

I think your dreadful in-laws are just that Emcee, dreadful in-laws. My bet is that if it wasn't your IF it would be something else, if you had kids it would be the way you brought them up, the way you decorated your house, the car you drive, your job, it wouldn't matter. They'd find something.

My dreadful MIL never missed an opportunity to take a shot our childlessness until we eventually told her it was her precious only son and not me with the "problem", suddenly she found something else to go on about!

flipper


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ladies, thank you so much for your messages, and especially Astrid who made me spit my tea out with LOL at this gem:



astrid said:


> They are not worth the snot up your nose..


Am still LOL now!

I love your buddist quote too Leoarna, and its true what you say flipper about my outlaw MIL critcising anything she can! Over the years MIL has criticised so much about anything and everything to do with us that I think I am practically immune to her now!

Thanks for making me think, and thanks for the smiles as well ladies

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi emcee
I just rushed back from my college and took that quote out of the posting..just incase i upset you...
But i am glad it hasn't....
So i will put it back...  
Keep in there...
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Upset me? You got to be kidding Astrid, I couldn't stop laughing, then I had to clean up the mess I made with spitting my tea out everywhere - LOL! It was just the tonic I needed - so please, don't be amending things and keep up with the wonderful sayings you have!  

You never know, I think I might save that one for MIL one day


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