# Support and/or advice needed



## Twinkle75 (Mar 16, 2005)

Hi

Firstly I'm not even sure if I am on the right board...please feel free to 'move' me if I'm in the wrong place.

I spent a LOT of time on FF about 2 years ago. Brief history - diagnosis of PCOS 12 years ago, diagnosis is now tentative. Started treatment 2 & 1/2 years ago...clomid and metformin for nearly a year, then onto IVF, which failed. The consultant said that whilst he couldn't say 100% conclusively, it looked like it failed due to egg quality. Also that if that were the reason for it failing, that no matter what treatments I had, the eggs I have are the ones I was born with and that they would all be of poor quailty. 
We have purposely given ourselves a good year or so with no treatments in order to consider where to go from here. However, I am just confused. Part of me thinks it must be worth one more go to see if the consultant is right. The other part of me thinks why should I put myself through it all again, for what I suspect I already know the outcome will be. 

Sorry for waffling. I could just really do with some feedback, as I'm sure many of you have been in a similar position to me.

Thanks x


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

I think if your dh/dp is behind you and you can afford /cope with another go I would go ahead.

I didnt do my third tx- either 3rd iui or one ivf because :a. Our 2nd iui was badly oraganised by our clinic and i knew it would fail and i fell apart. and b. My stepdaughter was starting to play up and we were going thru hard times with her and didnt have the energy for both.

I decided to stop but i think if we hadnt been having a hard time with her I probably would have done one more tx. The year after i continued to go for blood tests etc but that was it.

My stepdaughter moved out in Aug to live with her birth mum after all that and sometimes I regret not doing more tx. My dh is still so upset at her leaving (he has had custody since birth) that i dont think he could be there emotionally at the moment to do support me if we were to try again. Plus I am now 37 and worry about downs as i know 2 people in late 30s who have had a downs baby recently.

Go ahead if you feel able- then at least if it fails you will feel that you gave it your all. i think you will know yourself when it is time to quit xxxx


----------



## moggy3 (Jan 13, 2007)

Hi there

I think something like this is such a personal decision-what is right for one couple isn't right for another.

Only with much soul searching and (more importantly) talking to your partner can you both decide what is right for you.

I think you have to look at it that in the future when you look back on things what would you regret more.....could you cope with the what ifs if you decide not to have any more txt or would you be content to know you had done all you could?

You are still fairly young so you don't have to make any hasty decisions yet-the most important thing is to make the right one.

I know for myself it was the hardest decision Ive ever had to make especially as Im only 33 so I could have had numerous more txts if Id wanted them. But deep down I knew it was the right decision-we had spent 7 of our 9 years together 'trying' for a baby and about 5 of them revolved around appts/doctors/tests/results and txt, we had to get our lives back.

As my mum has reminded me a few times I married my DH because I love him and we want to spend our lives together-with or without children.
Something I try to remember when Im having a 'down' day

So give yourself some time and a bit of breathing space away from the txt and spend some quality time together-you'll eventually know the right answer.

Take care of yourselves

Judy
xx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Twinkle,

I think you are doing just the right thing by giving yourselves some breathing and thinking space. As Judy says, you have a bit of time to do so. In fact, Judy makes most of the points I would suggest!

You are right to say that many of us have had to make decisions about whether to give TX another go or to call it a day. But some, like me ,found ourselves here because we were left no other choice but to accept that path was at an end. I prefer to look at it that TX failed us, not that we failed at TX.

I don't have any personal experience of donor eggs, but I wonder if that might be a final option if egg quality is the main IF isssue? I don't mention this lightly as there will be major considerations, but if you are committed to thinking time, maybe you might research it and consider? I have hesitated to say this as I don't feel qualified to comment, but the thought sprung to mind when I read your post. If you think it is worth some thought, you must of course ask at a clinic you trust.

I imagine you have come to this board as you are seriously considering calling all/any tx to a halt. You are more that welcome to mull that over here and I doubt anyone will try and move you away! I think I can speak for others to say that it is OK to stay for as long as it is helpful. There is a lot of support here while such decisions are made and afterwards as we learn to live post giving up. You may of course decide to give some form of Tx another go and so leave this place again, that is OK too and you would go with all our best wishes!

Thinking of you at this difficult time,

Jq xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Twinkle - How dare he say that about your eggs! These consultants are so full of it! It makes me soooo angry! Sometimes I wonder whether they are just building their parts up - ie marketing so you pay to have more tx. I do know that egg quality is one of those things that is very controversial. Diff consultants/clinics measure it in diff ways. And I know for a fact that women who have been told their eggs are rubbish have gone on to have healthy babies. I wanted you to know that. I can't advise you on whether you should do more tx - that is for you to say. But you are welcome to post here as you think through your options.
Bernie xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Oh Bernie,

I did not know that! that is why I hesitatd to say anything and that I am not qualified. I want to stress again the importance of working with a clinic/doctor you can trust.

Love

Jq xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

My only qualification is my experience really - and what I have gathered along the way. If only I knew back then at the start what I know now. DH and I have always had 'unexplained' infertility - a real problem for the consultants cos they couldn't put us into a box. But of course they said IVF was the answer - and onto the treadmill we stepped. They made it seem like it was our only option. They appear so definite in their prognosis - but I have come to realise that there is just a huge amount they don't really know. When you look at it, IVF is quite barbaric (compared to the delicate natural process that goes on inside our bodies). 
My personal dislikes are when they said I was a 'poor responder' - like HOW DARE they say that about me because my body didn't respond to their nasty drugs!!! Also egg quality - I'm not doing treatment now - but I'd like to see a consultant who tries to say that to me! I'd give him (usually male it seems) a piece of my mind!!!
Bernie x


----------



## Twinkle75 (Mar 16, 2005)

Thank you all so much for your help. I know I'm not the only one out there, but it is really reassuring to hear some of your thoughts. 
I really did trust my consultant throughout the whole treatment (he was the same doctor we saw during the NHS bit of the tmt, before we had to start paying for IVF!!). I'm sure some of them do have ulterior motives when they give you news during follow up appointments. But it was almost as though he was trying to tell me not to bother trying IVF again.
It's so hard to know what is right. I am so reluctant to put myself, my husband and our life together through it again. However, there is that "what if...." that is hanging around in my head! I guess time will be the best thing, giving ourselves more time until the answer/decision is clearer.
Thank you again everyone. I really do appreciate it. It's not the sort of thing I can talk to friends/family about. The usual comment at the moment is "have you thought about adoption?" which gets to me just as much!!! Of course I have thought about it!! Anyway, will stop ranting now!!
X


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Twinkle

I hope that what the ladies have said has helped a little... sometimes I think the drs forget how much this whole process actually means to us as emotional beings and how it can take over our lives...

Got no answers for you hon, but am here to support you every step of the way whilst you mull over where to turn and what to do next. Also empathise with the adoption comments - if I had a pound for every person that has said that to me....!

Love to you
Emcee xxx


----------

