# Ivf... Adoption .... Ivf?



## Rayofsunshine (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi all

Me and DH had our first IVF cycle that ended in a miscarriage in September! After 2yrs of trying this was so heart breaking! 

However adoption has always been something we wanted to do! And in considering our options we have been weighing up what to do next! Ivf or adoption!? 

DH is keen to progress with adoption and I'm beginning to think that this could be the right next step for us!? But we both do still feel that ivf in the future is still something that we both want to do. If I'm completely honest the thought of another ivf cycle terrifies me. Both the physical and emotional strain. And I'm not all that bothered about pregnancy, I just want to be a mummy! 

We both think also that if we were lucky enough to be able to adopt, then am ivf cycle in the future would be easier to deal with as we would already have a littler e to love and nurture... Ivf wouldn't feel so ...devastating if it didn't work! 

So my question is. Is there anyone out there that has done ivf, then adopted then tried ivf again? Is so how long did you wait between each step? We're you honest with you social worker about wanting to try ivf again? If so how did they react? 

Also I'd just be interested in ppls views on this!? 

Thank you for your kind words in advance ladies (and gents) I know how massively supportive this board is! 

Ray xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi there im certainly no expert at all as iv never adopted.  But im pretty certain that once you decide you want to adopt then your expected to be at a place mentally where you have closed the door on having bio children.  Im sure this question has cropped up before and ladies who have adopted have said that.


Personally i would think a social worker would frown upon wanting to adopt and have ivf later on, but im sure someone with a lot more knowledge than me will come along and give you some proper advise.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

not sure about the ivf later but i know at least one person on here has done that.
However I do know every authority/agency will want you to wait at least 6-12mths after finishing fertility treatment before starting the adoption process and have come to terms with not having bio children etc. This doesn't mean you can't think about it in the future though.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We never had ivf for various reasons but social services would not be supportive of adopting then ivf in the future. Coweyes is right in that social services expect people to have closed the door on bio children. Of course some people adopt and then have a birhh child but this tends to be happy accidents rather than ivf. I don't know anyone who has adopted and then had ivf.
There are all kinds of issues and difficulties this may raise with an adopted child. 
There is always the case of adopting and not telling social services your plans for future ivf. However the reasons for adopting and fertilty is covered thoroughly in home study and social services would probably pick up that something wasn't right. Plus not being honest doesn't sit well with them. 
You have alot to think about but you both need to be on the same page so to speak. 
Hope you reach a decision


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I think if you were to go to an adoption agency and say you want to adopt and do ivf  later it wouldn't be viewed very well and they might not take you on. That isint to say it wouldn't be possible. Adopted children come with uncertainties and you need to be prepared for that. Future ivf  might not be possible if your child turns out to have a lot of additional needs. I think you need to consider whether you would be prepared to give up the possibility of a birth child.  I adopted a little boy in January and it's the best thing I ever did. I chose not to do ivf  as I couldn't face it. Good luck with your decision.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I haven't been in this position, but there was a lady on babycentre who adopted 2 sister siblings after having failed IVF.  A few years later the girls really wanted a baby brother of sister, so her and her husband agreed on one cycle just for their adopted girls.

It worked and she had a boy.

I don't see the point in telling social workers about possible IVF's in the future.  You are not 100% that it is the route you want to go down again anyway.

Good luck whatever you decide.

X


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## Rayofsunshine (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi all and Thanku for ur replies! 

Stacey, I'm definitely along your lines of thinking! I think being honest with SW about our journey so far is important but who knows what we will decide in the future! We could choose to adopt and then never do ivf! 

Of those who have adopted though what questions were you asked about bio children in the future? 

Thanks


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## Pumpkin mummy (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi, 

What a horrid situation you are in, I can only speak from my experience and situation.

I had IVF with my ex husband and had donor egg, it didn't work. Anyhow, ex husband  and I split up due to various reasons.

I then met my new DH and told him from the start that I couldn't have any natural children.  We spoke and spoke about IVF, I was adamant that I wasn't going through it again, it was horrid as had some failed donor eggs as well.

We agreed that we wouldn't go down that route, but every couple is different.

Our son is sleeping upstairs, he's beautiful and he's ours.  I cry most nights about how lucky we are to have him. I have tears most mornings when I go into his room when he is awake and wants a mummy cuddle, but I never cry for a birth child, as our boyish our son, he came to us in a different way but he ours!!

Sorry, but back to your situation, make it the right one.xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Just to throw a different story to the mix... We approached our agency having grieved for our loss of a biological child and were very sure we had closed that door. However our social worker has continuously said that there is nothing stopping us regarding having further fertility treatments in the future! At this point I can safely say never again and told her as much! She told me never to say never. I guess it depends on individual social workers although I'm sure this isn't the norm. However if we had gone in with that view I don't know if she would be so accommodating? Who knows   Can never work these social workers out


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Gosh lolly I would've been wondering if your SW was trying to trick you but then I'm highly suspicious.

I was in your situation after a lot longer and further treatments. Were technically unexplained (but with a few possibles) but I really have given up on a bio baby. Given our little mans circumstances it's highly unlikely we will adopt in future for various reasons but in a few years if we think its right for our family we may consider a treatment but on DE (unless agencies near us start to do concurrency).

I have given the morale dilemma a lot of thought ie will my son think he isn't enough. For us it's not genetics that make a family. But providing siblings is normally a selfish reason given (I'm an only child and hated it), so another child would be more us feeling we had more to give but my son is my number one child and his needs come above all ours. Hence it's a decision we've parked for now and it's just an idea.

No we never mentioned this to SWs as we wanted to adopt siblings but never found sibs that were for us (or us chosen for them). Hence this has been a far out idea since AO was granted and given something my consultant said recently. But we've also spoke if maybe fostering in 5-7 years if right for us as a family. So very different ideas.

One word of caution would be to really research adoption and the potential issues as it took us a few more years before we felt ready to take this on. But it is sooo worth it.
Good luck on your journey. X

Oh and I would also say if this is your plan be aware your child's needs may prevent you from having another child (adoption or bio). So you may have to accept that and make sure you would never have any resentment to your adopted child or what's ifs. And I know if we never have another child I have no regrets (no matter how hard life can be as the love we have for little guy is more than enough).
X


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I know, crazy right   but I honestly don't think she was because she started saying that social workers that have that view point are quite old fashioned in their thinking and why not etc etc. I was shocked. Luckily I didn't have to give any kind of textbook answer because right now you couldn't pay me to have treatment. I actually don't want a little baby anymore. Also I think the look of horror on my face may have been enough anyway! Safe to say I think all the treatments have scarred me quite enough thank you!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww ;-) but it is nice when you get a real SW isn't it x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

They do exist people!!!


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