# Saying No



## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi girls looking to ask about anyones experience of saying no to a match.
We've been matched with a 4yr old girl and have asked for more information but I just don't feel anything about this match.  There are a few issues around contact and I feel I would like a younger girl as we had increased our age range from 0-3 to 0-4 but this particular girl will have turned 5 by the time we would get her and she has started school and I feel as we have an 8yr old bs we wouldn't get much time with her on our own to bond/settle in without bs being around. Has anyone had any experience of calling sw and saying no to the match after asking for further info.

Thanks


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

Hi Treaco,

We have said no to a few with this - we have got the more information and felt that it wasn't right for us.

The way that we have looked at it is, if it doesn't feel right for you then it isn't going to be best for that child and then the match wouldn't be right for us or them.  But that doesn't mean that just because you have said no that everybody will say no. 

We said no to some twins that on profile were great but there CPR showed us things that we (or I during the day on my own!) couldn't deal with - then we saw them at an activity day...I was dreading seeing them and thinking that we had made a mistake - actually seeing them made me realise we made the right decision.  

You need to trust yourselves that you know what you can and cannot cope with and not worry that you are saying no - you will find your yes! 

Good luck
xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

We said no to two links, choosing our son instead. It took me ages to shake off the guilt, but you have to do what is right for  you x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Thanks girls, going to call and speak to sw tomorrow about. I've spoke to DH again about my feelings and he agrees with me and is telling me not to feel bad about wanting to say no but  I think it's just natural to feel a bit bad about it.


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi girls, well I called our sw today and sad we didn't want to take the match any further as we just didn't feel it was right. One of our reasons was by the time she would come to us she would be 5 and has already started school so we felt we wouldn't get anytime with her on our own to bond/setlle in without bs being there. Also we moved our criteria from 0-3 from 0-4 and don't feel that we want to move it to 5.  It was a hard decision but felt it was right for us.xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Treaco
Sounds like you did the right thing. 
We said no to a sibling link as it didn't feel right and my heart and stomach just felt heavy. 
We've since been linked to some new siblings and this time it feels so different. Know now that we did the right thing saying no to the first ones as these feel more right for us. 
We did feel bad about it though for quite a while. 

Best of luck to you
GG xx


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Thanks GG I felt it was hard to turn the match down but felt we had to on this occasion but hopefully our little girl is out there.

xxx


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

After seeing children at an Activity Day we asked for more information and decided that none of them was right. Felt really bad turning them down especially as we have been waiting so long and now feel we should have yes so we are not left with nothing! but this is not the right way, as you need a match to be right x x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

I know pyjamas the match has to be right for you and them, we haven't been waiting that long but prepared to wait for the right one, just hope it's not too long a wait.

Is there still no sign of a match for you yet? How long have you been waiting now.

M xx


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

It has been a very long wait for us. We were approved July 2013. Two possible matches fell through because we saw them before placement order hearings and then both were not granted. Have been to two Adoption Activity Days, countless Family Finding DVD evenings at LA and made lots of enquiries on Adoption Link. One of our possible matches should have another court hearing at end of Jan. 2015 so we will see! x x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

That is a long wait, have they given you any reason for it or is it just your area or criteria. What area are you in? We're with Glasgow.

M xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

It will be easier for you if you think of this circumstance as a 'link' rather than a 'match' - you were linked with this little girl and the match wasn't there for you.

When you are successfully matched with your LO you will have no doubt about anything, and when that happens you will stop feeling guilty, but you may never forget these LOs.

We haven't forgotten the few we turned down, there wasn't even a reason why we did. It was just that we had already found our LO when we were given their profiles.

Good luck on your journey.
Paul x


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

We are in Norfolk. SW says that there are just not many children in system. Our criteria is boy or girl up to the age of 4 siblings also considered x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Are u on the national register as well pyjamas as surely if ur on that there should be a match out there for u.

Daddyboo thanks for the info, I think we will know when the right one comes along.

M xx


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