# Not dealing with latest BFN very well. Feel it's the end.



## mariad (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi girls,

I haven't posted for a while and have been mainly lurking throughout my recent 2ww, which once again resulted in a BFN.

I sometimes can't believe my DD actually happened.  I can't imagine what it was actually like to see a positive test result!  We were lucky first time too.

Does anyone else relate to this?

Usually by now I'm picking myself up and thinking about my next attempt, but this time it's harder.  I'm 40 now, and I think I may be at the end of the road with my own eggs.

Also, everyone I know seems to be getting pregnant with number 2, in fact, my SIL has just announced number 4 is on the way.  I don't know how to deal with it, I just feel so bitter and jealous.  I hate myself for it, I used to be such a happy person.

My partner was diagnosed with a serious illness 7 months ago too, so I'm struggling to cope with the fact that my DD might be an only child as well as without her dad.

Sorry to spread such doom and gloom but no-one around me understands like you do.

Thanks for listening, I feel better already.

Maria
xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Maria so sorry to hear about your BFN. It is awful and we have so much faith and hope in each cycle. I hope the pain gets easier, not helped by other people's pregnancies popping up.  You have so much going on in your life as well.  Give your DH and DD a big hug and remember you are a fantastic mum.

L x


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Maria

So sorry to hear about you BFN, it just gets harder and not easier each time.

I really know how you feel. we were lucky first time around followed by 3 falied attempts for a sibling. So many of the ladies I started off with here have moved on, with no 2's gurgling or kicking away.

It is truly frustrating when you know it CAN happen, but its just not.

My DH is older and maybe this is part of the reason I feel it so important that Ds's family network is as big as it can be.

Wishing you love and strength to change the things you can, and accept the things you can't........

Im me if you want to talk...
Hun xx


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## tillycat (Feb 24, 2007)

Hi Maria, 
Like you i already have a dd, but she was conceived naturally 7 years ago.
We've been trying for another baby fo 5 years now. 3 years ago i was told both tubes were virtually blocked so it was very unlikely i'd conceive naturally again. A year later i did conceive naturally but it was an eptopic pregnancy which resulted in me having both tubes removed. Last year we had our 1st ivf attempt but didn't get to ec because the drugs didn't work. In feb this year we tryed again on the highest dose drug available which worked but we still got a BFN.

People keep telling you to count your blessings as at least you've got 1 child, which i know is true but this rollercoaster ride of ivf is still so hard.


Keep smiling, Dawn x


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## jojomama (Dec 2, 2005)

Hi Maria, so sorry to hear of your BFN & big hugs to you.  You are not alone as you can see from my profile. I think I too have decided if this times not the one that that's the end of the road, I think it was John Cleese who once said 'I can cope with despair it's the hope that kills me' lol...Ivf is just sooo demanding in soo many ways, be gentle with yourself & remember we're here when you need us


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## GAC (Apr 5, 2006)

hi maria i totally understand how u feel i have ds from our 2nd ivf and we really thought we would have another baby now , but we have since had 3 more goes all bfn.You get sick and tired of everyone saying mind u are lucky you have one ,we all know we are dont we ,but it doesnt stop us wanting more especially when the experiance of motherhood is so wonderful the yearning is even greater.Take care luv gac xxxxx


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## mariad (Mar 10, 2006)

Thanks for your kind replies girls.

It makes such a difference talking to people who understand.

You're right, it's annoying when people say we should be grateful and of course we ARE, but it doesn't stop the yearning.  You hit the nail on the head GAC when you say that the experience of motherhood is so wonderful the yearning is even greater.  I feel so guilty sometimes because I know there are a lot of women on this site who don't have what we have, but sometimes I truly believe it's just as bad if not worse for us.  

We are so wrapped up in wanting our little ones to be surrounded by siblings and to have some support as we/they get older, and that is something we can't ever get away from.  The guilt I feel when she asks me if I've got a baby in my tummy (happens quite a lot after she's seen my pregnant friends) is unbearable.

Jojomama, I'm in Leicestershire too.  Was your treatment at Leicester ACU by any chance?

Keep smiling all and I hope it happens for all of you soon!

I'll let you know if and what we decide.

Thanks again

Maria
xx


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## jojomama (Dec 2, 2005)

Hi Maria, just reading through all these posts again which have a particular sting at the moment as we are in the midst of getting another bfn   I started spotting yesterday 7dpt with 6 day blasts & today its turned to fresh red blood so that's that.  I relate so much to what you say about having a sibling, last year at xmas dd told me & dh she wanted a baby brother or sister from santa and she too walks around all the time with teddies stuffed under her jumper.  She even told dh's parents that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' a couple of weeks ago (little ears picking up maybe) & it all breaks my heart, I worry that it won't ever happen now & that if it did that we've missed that 'window' for her to have a special bond & closeness with a sibling, my own brother is 5 yrs older than me & although we got closer when we go older we were always worlds apart when young, I always wanted children close together in age.  Of course we are so thankful we have her, but it doesn't take the pain of being desperate for another child away.  I was convinced that if this didn't work it would be my last cycle, but if I'm honest, I thought it would work & now I'm left feeling like I can't bear the idea of going again but I can't stop because I can't bear the idea of never having any more children. Oh heck...sorry for the morbidness, I'm just really really pi**ed off!!
In answer to your question, no, have never been at Leicester acu, we had tx for dd in london as we only relocated here about 18 months ago & had latest tx at crm walsgrave. we live in Mkt H'bro & it's easy to get to from here & their results looked better than Leics, also cons in london & his team (whom we loved) spoke highly of them but to be honest we've not been all that impresssed (might have felt differently if we'd got our bfp I suppose.  

Hope you're feeling a bit better now, sorry to be so me me me but the BFN stinks huh?


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Oh no Jojo - I'm so sorry to read your news.....



All of this is so terribly difficult and unfair sometimes...

Hun xx


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## jojomama (Dec 2, 2005)

thanks Hun, I've got everything crossed for you for this time    let us know how its all going, where are you in your treatment?


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## mariad (Mar 10, 2006)

Hun, keep us posted re. your treatment and how you get on at ARGC.  Best of luck.

Jojomama, sorry for your BFN.  I've sent you a personal message - I live in M/Harb too!

Maria


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## ready4Family (May 14, 2004)

Oh Maria,

Just want you to know that you're not alone and I know exactly how you feel.  This past month we went through fet and got a positive only to be followed to a negative a few days later.  I was, and am completely devastated.  This time around we've only told our parents, but find since this is our second, no one understands and thinks that it's not a big deal since we have our son.  Yes, he is an absolute miracle and he's our life, but that doesn't change the pain of it not working when trying again.  Like you, i'm happy for others having babies, but at the same time, it makes it that much harder and am jeolous...especialy when it happens so easily for others.  

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner.  My heart goes out to you.  We're hear to listen and we understnad so don't apologize for it being a down post.  We're with you.


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