# Acceptance – where do I start? Very long - sorry!



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies xxx I hope you don't mind me joining you here xxx

I had been ttc for 13 years on and off (I say on and off as 3 ectopic pregnancies and other life events put ttc on hold at times).

Its been really refreshing finding a place like this where I feel I can come and (if you don't mind) share my thoughts and feelings with you all about living my child free.

For a long time I could not even bring myself to imagine saying those words I have typed above about living without kids, and even now I still get the occasional OW, lump in the throat, stab in the heart, feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach sensation, etc etc. Over time it has got better, but it doesn't mean to say I don't have moments where it all comes crashing back down and really hits a raw nerve or ten!

No matter where I go or what I do, the subject of my infertility is something that crops up again and again. If I had a pound for how many times I have been asked repeatedly at work/home/the shops/the pub etc the 'have I' and 'why not' and 'you'd better get a move on' statements. Family gatherings are also a nightmare - at a recent one for a funeral (of all places) one of my DH's cousins decided to ask us why we hadn't done IVF (we have, 4 times) - this was said in front of some of my colleagues (so now the lads at work know my personal business - great) - I wouldn't have minded but this guy has done IVF and was very lucky to get his miracle - we would have thought he would have had a bit more understanding than to be so blatant and come up to us and insist upon an answer when DH had already told him the same earlier - words fail me here! 

I have realised over the years&#8230;
That most of our nearest and dearest do not 'get' what its like to have multiple pregnancy loss, to go through the trauma of a life threatening ectopic pregnancy over and over and over again (in my case), nor do they understand what its like to know we will never have a family of our own, when faced with repeated treatment failure (and I know there are many of you who have been through more treatments than I) and the grief of loss of hope for the future - hopes and dreams shattered again and again.
That every relationship within DH's family has been compromised because of this - and its not been from us either&#8230; we don't get invited to lots of family events as we are the only couple without children. And even if we do, DH's family think nothing of coming up to us and asking intrusive and sometimes upsetting questions about my inability to reproduce&#8230; which has made us very wary about going to family gatherings&#8230; a case of 6 of one half a dozen of the other there!
That I have always had to go the extra mile and take others thoughts and feelings into consideration - even when some of the questions I have been asked/things that have been said to me have been upsetting - even though often my heart has been breaking at the time, yet my thoughts and feelings have never been considered in the same way&#8230; 
That friends have moved on once they have achieved their dream of having a family - even those whom I have supported whilst they have gone through the heartache of loss, not knowing if they will ever be able to add to their families&#8230; whilst my arms & heart have been aching and empty, and I have been deeply saddened that they have felt my lack of being unable to produce has meant the friendship has had to end... after all I am still 'me' and there is more to me than my inability to have kids... even if this has shaped me into who I am today (and I like to think I am a more sensitive person for all the heartache I have been through)
That some people have the knack of saying the wrong thing, of saying hurtful things, of being deliberately cruel (human nature I suppose)
That some people, no matter what - will never be there to understand in any way - which brings to mind a great saying 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'!

Nonetheless, I have decided not to be embittered by all of this (and if I sounded bitter back there please forgive me, its hard to get across what I mean sometimes when its only the written word speaking for me) and I am determined to move onwards and forwards with this new phase of my life. OK, so its not a life I would have ever chosen to lead, and I did not ever imagine myself at 38 years of age and still childless, and its something that I am slowly making my peace with. If that means I am going to have melt down days then so be it - I have lived too long trying to put a brave face on things and be 'strong' when inside I have not felt like it.

Now I tell people to go stuff themselves if I don't like the questions they are asking, because I know they just want to be nosey, not because they are compassionate! I live for myself & DH, because we have spent most of our married life living between TTC and loss and IVF treatments&#8230; and those 'friends' who aren't friends at all have been left by the wayside. If something someone says upsets me or is not appropriate, I tell them quietly and calmly (ok and sometimes I tell them where to get off). I think when any of us have been through IF/loss/loss of hope for our future as parents it makes us stronger and more able to fight our corner.

May 2006 be gentler to us all out there, whatever paths we choose to follow.

Thanks for taking the time to read this mega waffle!

Much love to all

Emcee xxxxxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Emcee
Thankyou for sharing this with us. It must have been hard to do it but sometimes when its written down it can be quite therapuetic. I am glad that you have choosen to share it with us on this thread because we do understand. We may not have had the same IF path but we can totally empathise how you are feeling today...
I can understand where we are coming from with friends and families. They cease to amaze me with the comments that they come out with it. Especially when things are so raw and its one continuous painful road that seems to go on and on and on...My dear friend was here with me one day and i got one of these dreadful phone calls from someone who thinks they are trying to help?? i was very upset and could not believe the conversation and my friend replied 'They just do not get it' !!!!!!'....I thought that was a great reply to how i was feeling and i thought she summed it up and i felt understood...from the people that really care about you...
The other realisation is that our situation hasn't changed and we are surrounded by friends and families where their life continuously changes. So that can be hard when you need someone to talk to because you feel like they have heard the same story over again...I also think that whats the point in explaining myself because if they cared it they would express this...i feel that people only ask sometimes out of politeness but they just ain't interested. As soon as they have heard what you have to say they forget straightaway or put the phone down as they have no conscious. So whats the flipping point in even trying to express how you feel..So we only need to surround ourselves by people who care and that also concerns family members...i have been disappointed with my family but its also made me stronger and as you say 'stuff them'...
You have been through alot and as i say done the full circle of infertility and to be here today without a result is devastating...I believe its a grieving process but because there is no person as such, people tend to ignore your pain and loss. But at this time i think you need to think of you and your DH and the rest can go and take a jump...if they care they will understand....
Its not an easy path and i am on it and not knowing where or what route i am taking, but taking each day as it comes....take care...
Keep in touch...
love astridxx


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## LB (Sep 24, 2003)

Hi Emcee

your post really says it all - i hope that when you read it back it brings you comfort - it tells me that you are a good and loyal person - some people are quick to shake the if dust from their heels when their miracle arrives but some remain nearby for always (i have found this to be the case) more so from those who ttc naturally and it takes more than one month! - i have on occasion wanted to yell - "try 80 months then start moaning" !

i hope that 2006 brings you new goals and happiness and a big protective cloak to fling round yourself when insensitve comments  are flung your way - cos sure as eggs is eggs someone will put their size nines in it! - as you say it's human nature!

thanking you for sharing your experiences with us.

just hope you find happiness hunny.

LB
X


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Emcee

Boy - your story sounds so familiar.

It sounds as if you're starting to look after yourself first which is good.  It eventually comes to that doesn't it?  The most important thing is you and your DH.  

I too, have just begun to experience losing friends to this.  It is bad enough going through this than having to cope with so called friends hurting us and not being there when we most need them.

One thing that did come across in your posting and I hope you don't mind me saying this is that it sounded like you are blaming yourself for this?  You said more than once, "My inability to conceive ..."  Please please don't blame yourself.  Mother nature is soooooo complicated and we just don't know enough.

I have come to realise that even although I have endo, I am trying so hard not to feel guilty about it.  (difficult I know).  But I am trying to believe that it really could me a multitude of reasons.  Maybe it's because our chromosomes don't quite fit, maybe it's to do with the outer shell of the embryo not being able to "latch" on, maybe it's hormones, maybe it's everything..... maybe it's this maybe it's that.  The problem for all of us is .... it could be anything.  So please don't feel guilty.  

It is just "one of these Godawful things" and it is by no means because "you" can't conceive.

You said you still get upset.  I do too.  I don't think it will ever go away.  However, I am slowly finding my way and my way of coping at the moment is to enjoy other people's children so I don't feel I'm totally losing out.  If I feel like getting upset .... I just do it.  But the major change is that I try not to dwell on it anymore, asking "why do I still feel like this?",  "when will it go away?"  "why me?",  "What have I done?"  .... i just have a cry and try to get on with my day again.  It takes the pressure off a bit.

I still hope for a miracle, like all of us.

I am just so glad I found the support on here.  It is a Godsend.  I'm glad you found us.......

We're all here any time, feel free to rant, cry, shout, talk!!
Love 
Gill xo

PS>  I'm off to batter HELL out the new drum kit my wonderful DH got me for Christmas!!  2 of the drums, have my "so-called" friends' faces on it!!!!!!  (only joking!)


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Lovely ladies 
Thank you all for your replies - and taking the time to read through my waffle! I was burning the midnight oil very late last night - as you can see from the time I posted (am surprised I didn't turn into a pumpkin, mind you, with all the eating and drinking of the past few days there is still a chance yet)!

Its remarkable how I have felt such empathy with you all as I have been reading through your posts, even though I have not experienced the same things as you have, like Astrid said - we haven't shared the same path but we know how it feels to be in the postions we are in now. I am sorry that you are experiencing the same with friends as well now Astrid. As if its not enough to have to deal with your own future, as well as other people not being supportive! Its not fair.  

LB - your message made me grin!   How many times have I heard others going on about not being able to conceive after the first month of trying! Arrrrggghhhh! Thanks for your message  

Gill - I didn't mean to come across as blaming myself, sorry! I was delighted to see that you have got some drums - I play too, although not nearly enough as I would like to (must make an effort for 2006)! You really made me laugh saying you were going to pretend 2 of your drums were people's faces! Note to self: must try this!  

Thanking you all again and wishing you the very best for 2006     I am honoured to have had such a lovely welcome to this place!

Lots of love 
Emcee

ps, I know I must sound thick here, what do all the bubbles next to everyones names stand for?


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi emcee

just wanted to say what a lovely heartfelt post you had the guts to write down, i think we have all been through the situations you describe re friends etc xx

have blown you some bubbles , they are to spred some love to each other 

love
suzie xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Sorry Emcee
I did not say as everyone mentioned that you wrote a heartfelt post and that takes alot of guts.....you deserve something good to come your way....yu sound a very loving and caring person....
Hey Gill i love the drum kits idea, i had to laugh.......like Emcee said i will have to bear that one in mind...hee hee...
Happy New Year.....all the best for 2006....
Lovely Astridxx


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