# My Journey has ended



## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Just thought i would share my story with you, we have been doing IVf ICSI for the last 5 years, we had all BFN the last been Xmas 2005 i then had a operation which found i had emdo and my bowel was stook to my ovaries, they had sorted that for me, anyway in june we had a full treatment and we made the decision this was going to be our last they put me on the short protocol and we produced 3 lovely grade one embies we had to put in and i frozen, i got a BFP after so many BFNs we were so excited but i started to feel unwell and all the normal symptoms went, i was so sore that we went to the clinic and found that i was having a M/C i thought know as i was not bleeding but that soon followed i was heartbroken, we found it very hard to deal with but we seem to pick ourselves up and made the big decision that we would do the frozen one this was in october again we got a BFP but this time it was different so paranoid i then started to get pain and was sent to hospital but they could not find anything and we had a scan at 6wks and we got a heartbeat we was on cloud9 very excited this time as we got a heartbeat, but then i started to get brown discharge i phone the hospital epu and they it was old blood but then on chrismas day i started to bleed very heavy so again i rang EPU and they could not scan me and told me to take pain killers so i did anyway day after boxing day we went for a scan and out precious bady had no heartbeat within hrs i was in the operating theatre having a D&C all gone,we are still ion shock but we do know that we did everything we could in the last 5 years to get our child, so we know we have to move on, the problem we have is 

1/ moving on just thinking about it hurts
2/ all my fiends have children and that will just break my heart
3/ we dont get invited anywhere now, ( already started New year )
4/ ghow do we cope,

Sorry those things above are what worries me, god this is so scary, i think we new what was coming and we have cried and dicussed it and have accepted the outcome along time ago its just so hard when its suddenly hear

Sorry to go on

bell


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Oh Bells

What a heartbreaking 'journey' you have been on and to have it end so recently in such a horrible way ... well what can anyone say to you?

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I've never had an m/c so I am hoping that someone who through their own unfortunate experience has a better idea of how you're feeling and what to say to you 'talks' to you about this.

I havn't got any wise words ....., I just wanted you to receive a reply straight away because this is an awful time for you.

Please accept my sincere sympathies and know that out of everywhere on FF, you are in very special, kind hands with the girls on this thread.

With sympathy
Pipkin x


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## ♥Meerkat♥ (Nov 14, 2005)

Bell
I am so sorry for you both   you must be devastated.
I've not had a MC myself but think at the moment that you just need some time to grieve and be gentle with yourselves.

You will have time in the coming weeks when you are feeling stronger and your minds will be clearer.

Wishing you love and strength
Meerkat x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Bell
I am so so sorry for the both of you....like Pipkin and Meerkat i wanted to reply straightaway..
I cannot imagine what you are going through also...what a terrible place you must both been in at the moment. I too have never been through a miscarriage and i think that it must be absolutely devastating, to have something so precious taken away from you...I am so sorry that you both had to go through so many treatments and to have to deal with miscarriages...I really, really feel for you.
I agree with Meerkat you need time, as you have been through such terrible losses...You need time to grieve and deal with this loss. As this is going to take time and alot of hurt and pain....
I know that you mentioned that this is the end of your journey....i do respect that, but i also worry alittle that you are taking too much on board. There are girls on this thread that have been through miscarriages and having to face a different future. They will probably beable to relate to you, to what you are saying and give you the words that will help you to deal with things. I just feel that you need just time to deal with this pain and then deal with the next step, when you are ready to face that move. It is something that i feel that if you put everything in one basket, you will probably find the strain of it all too much. And its been a very painful and stressful time for you both. You must be very exhausted as well...
You and your hubby need time to heal....i really do feel for you both.. 
Is there a place at the hospital that maybe can offer you some sort of counselling service? I know its not my place to ask, but maybe think about this, as it may help you...
We will be there to support you Bell...whichever way we can....
My thoughts are with you both...
lots of love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bell honey

I am so saddened to read about everything you have been through, it really has been one thing after another for you hasn't it sweetheart?

Where to begin? I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious angels and the ending of your treatment. I know you say you decided that this was to be your last try but even so, having made that decision it must be a huge jolt after all the years you have spent trying to achieve your dream.

Now is the time to be extra specially kind and gentle to yourselves, to hold each other close and to grieve the loss of your angels and to take things one day at a time. Stuff what other people around you think Bell because they don't 'get it' - those who have never been through the minefield of proceedures, IF treatment never mind the devastating loss of a much wanted child are blinkered to the hidden heartache behind tx.

You say that seeing your friends children will break your heart - yes, it will to begin with. But one day, when the time is right for you, you will feel differently. I'm not saying the pain and heartache you're feeling will ever go away - it won't - but you will be able to manage it and live with it in your own way, this much I promise you. Right now though, you need to concentrate on you, and if its just too much to cope with seeing these friends and their kids they will understand (if they are your real friends they will have your best interests at heart) and give you space whilst you need it.

How do you cope you say? By taking it one day, one hour, one moment at a time and by talking to us here. Many of us understand what it is like to finish treatment, and there are those of us who have angels out there too.... lean on us for support, comfort and companionship when you need us sweetheart.

As for those who are turning away from you and not inviting you out - my lovely, if there is one thing in the world all the treatment and losses I have been through have shown me is at times like this you really do get to find out who your true friends are - and often they can be the people you least expected them to be. 

Sending you massively gentle hugs and hoping you'll stick around with us for a while...

Much love to you and your other half,
Emcee xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Bell....i agree so much with what Emcee has said. This is a time when you find out who your real friends are in the world. The ones that will understand and try to help you through your difficult times. I know it doesn't help at this time of the year and it must really be awful for you both.But you are the most important people at the moment and if they are your friends they will be there for you...

Thinking of you...
love astridx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Bell - A big hug to you and DH , words cannot take the pain away just to let you know that I am thinking of you. 
I got pregnant on my first ICSI but then had a miscarriage at 7 weeks and 6 days in Dec, again like you a heartbeat that then stopped- and the worst nightmare on the scan, I had an ERPC the week before Christmas and do want to try again as I cannot give up my dream after one go. I am also terrified as I don't think I could go throught the emotional pain of anouther M/C, but can't give up just yet.

There is a thread for people's who have experienced m/c and loss and you will find support there.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0

L xx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Bell
I just wanted to give you a big hug and say I am so sorry for all that you have been through and especially at christmas and new year it must be extra hard.  You really have been through the mill and tried everything and I know the pain of m/c having experienced two (the second of which was three years ago this month) and  just want to say that we are all here for you and if you need to chat you know where we are.  I think its helps to come on here and be open and honest and say it how it is as most of us understand. Although I so want another pg I am also so scared of having another m/c that i would rather not get pg than have another one as not sure if could go through with it if that makes sense and its made so much worse as everyone else just sails through theirs.  I agree with the others about finding out who your true friends are and over the last couple of months people I had thought would be there for me have not, I think its very hard for people who have never had any fertility problems to understand what we have been through ie m/c and having trouble conceiving but that is why its no nice to come on here.  I have been grieving in  my own way as the consultant told us in late Nov that if we wanted to go ahead he suggested london with genetic testing or a donor egg - this was pretty hard to take as we had tried quite a few different things and this journey has taken a while and he had not really mentioned ivf before.  I have been in a bad way and very low but am feeling a bit better now and we are really considering the ed thing and have to make a decision soon - it was ok in dec saying we would decide after christmas and new year but of course its here now and we have to make a decision.  I just wish you a lot of luck in whatever you do decide to do and as the others have said be true and kind to yourselves and do use this site as your outlet.  I think you would be surprised what we can all cope with when we have to, tomorrow it will be the ninth anniversary since we lost my brother who died in Oz in 98 doing something he loved - diving in the sea, its hard and sad but we have learned to live with it and have our own copying mechanisms ie he has gone somewhere better - is still in oz - but we do survive because the alternative is not a good place to be.  sorry this has turned into stuff about me but I just wanted to let you know we are all much stronger inside than we realise as you have already proved to yourself, just give yourself a lots love and kindness and time.
Take care and thinking about you.
Susie
Ps I think I have written to you b4 so sorry if duplicated


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Bell,

My heart went out to you when I read your post last night, (been away from here over Xmas,) I wanted to take some time to reply. 

I do remember feeling just like you describe, by co-incidence I had my first miscarriage one boxing day, many years ago and a few years later a negative IVF test on the same day. I felt the only thing that would ever allow me to enjoy Christmas again was if we finally had a baby to share it with. Once we gave up I thought I would never enjoy Christmas (or much else) ever again. But I can tell you that slowly life can feel more positive. This year my Xmas was quite good - just me and my P focusing on having some quiet time together, cooking for each other, small presents, lots of hugging and holding hands. It was great really as we are usually so busy.

I want to try and answer some of your worries. Hope my comments are useful.

1/ moving on just thinking about it hurts

Even thinking about moving on hurts because you are grieving. Right now the moving on phrase says nothing positive to you, rather it simply underlines your loss. Maybe now is a time to be still, not to feel you need to rush into the moving on. Take it slowly.

2/ all my fiends have children and that will just break my heart

Yes honey, that can be really tough. You will need to find a way to see your friends that is manageable for you. At first you may want to avoid the babies and small children, real good friends will understand if you explain it's tough for you and ask for some grown up time with them for now. Later you will probably feel able to see people with their kids again. You might need to get some support around this from your partner and from the girls here. There have been some useful posts here about managing relationships with friends and families with children.

Where do your friends come from? Maybe they are all in the same age group because of where you live/having a job that means you are surrounded by people the same age? Part of your moving on, when it starts to happen, just might involve new friends, perhaps through taking up a new activity, or your going back to one you enjoyed in the past. Maybe not all your new friends will have children.

As time goes by you might find that your friendship circle grows and even gets more interesting. My friends all used to be about my age and were having kids while I was struggling with IF. Now I have friends who are in their 20s and young enough to be my grown up kids, right up to friends in their 60s. Recently an old lecturer of mine looked me up and invited me to supper. She's in her 80s but still has a sharp intelligence and was great company. She's coming to my place soon. Friends with grown up kids don't bring them out of course! The younger parents don't discuss the detail of the local school league tables, price of dancing lessons....etc etc that they probably discuss with each other. Instead we have much more interesting conversations! Not all of my friends have children - some through choice, some because of IF, some never found a partner at the right time. 

3/ we don't get invited anywhere now, ( already started New year )

I'm not sure why you haven't been invited anywhere for New Year. Nor did I get asked out! I think there just weren't any parties amongst our own friends this year. Maybe your friends thought you were unlikely to make it with all that has been going on. (Come to think of it, maybe having to look cheerful, shout "Happy New Year!" kiss whoever grabs you at Midnight and sing that sentimental "Auld lang syne" would not really have been the right thing for you last Sunday? Even before all my IF history one note of the pipes and that bl..d. song was enough to have me in tears!)

Anyway, maybe when you are feeling stronger you can organise some social events with the people who really matter to you. Maybe a drink or a meal? If you take the initiative you can organise social events that you can manage e.g no babies for a bit (see above) and just the people you are comfortable with. Once people know you want to be sociable they will probably start to return the invitations. 

4/ how do we cope,

Sweetheart, no easy answers here. Just start by being gentle with yourself, like the others have said and come visit your friends here whenever you need to.

Lots of love to you both

Jq


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

hi Bell

Sending you huge hugs, my heart really feels for you, I cannot begin to imagine the pain and confusion you have gone through so recently, and are no doubt still feeling.

The girls on here are so wise and kind, and there is probably not much more that I can add, but I can relate to your questions (as I know we all can) and wondered if my own experiences may help a little. I have never been through m/c or what you have had to face, but it is less than a year since I was advised to stop TTC, and so the memories are still fresh, and indeed it is still a learning curve! Here are some thoughts in the hope that they may help a little bit...

a)  
As jq says, moving on is so painful, of course just the thought of it hurts like hell. In my expereince you cannot expect to much of yourself too soon. Don't even think of it as 'moving on' as this can seem too scary (we've had lots of debates on here about what to call this board for that reason!), think of it as a time of greiving for your loss, a time thats personal to you and DH....and it will take as long as it takes, everyone is different.

The best way I found to cope was to to only think about one day at a time. At first it 
was such a battle to get through the day without feeling like the world ended, without crying, sobbing, or just drifting  through it in blackness. Sometimes it was so hard I just had to get through a single hour at a time!
But after a while I suddenly realised that I had an ok day, where it wasn't so bad and things felt fairly 'normal'...then a while after that I was surprised to realise I had had 3 good days on the trot! Now I can have 3 or 4 weeks at a time where I am not struggling anything like as much as I used to. This kind of happened without me consciously trying. 

Having said that, it still hurts, and the progress is not smooth, there are bad days/weeks where you feel like you are going backwards, but with the help of the girls on here I have learned this is ok, this is normal, and not to put pressure on myself to be ok after a certain amount of time.

b)
All my friends have got babies too now, and yes it hurts like hell. There is no magic answer to this one, and we all seem to have different ways of dealing with it. DH and I have been avoiding the babies as just too hellishly painful to be around, although we aim in the long term to gradually learn to be around them and eventually enjoy them. But its a long long road... Some friends seem to understand (as best they can), others less so. You can only do what you can do, and the true friends are those that are patient about it, and be there for you when you want to attempt it or when you go to pieces! 

c) 
Perhaps people are not inviting you out because they are worried that it would be insensitive at such a difficult time for you. maybe they are trying to guess the right thing to do? maybe they just feel so much for you they don't knkow what to say or do for the best?
My last tx was in March 2006, and the whole of 2006 DH and I kind of went into hermit mode! We couldn't face answering the phone or seeing anybody. After the tx failed people stopped ringing, and stopped asking us out, and to tell the truth I now think it was because: a) they didn't know what to say, and b) they thought we wanted to be left alone (we did, but we still needed to know they cared!) 
Looking back I can see that not socialising was a mixed blessing, as there were times we felt very lonely but to be honest I think we would have felt lonely anyway, and overall it did give us time to lick our wounds, and comfort each other. My suggestion would be to be very selective about who you see, for example, a quiet few hours with one or two trusted friends may be a lot more beneficial than being in a big crowd of jolly people! Everyone is different though of course.
And I want to comfort you that people won't stay away for ever. Just these last couple of months we have began to feel like seeing people again, and when we have, the true friends were still there waiting for us, and accepting of our absence, and what is more we have actually enjoyed it instead of sitting there feeling like broken eggshells!   

In the meantime, you will find plenty of good friends on here, who really know what you are going through.

Bell, I'm sorry for rambling on, and am not sure that any of this has been any help at all, but I really felt for you when I read your post, and wanted to try and convey that you are not alone.

     

Ermey
xxx


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Ladies i have sat and read all your messages l have walked away from the computer to cry, l am so glad that i put my message on this thread as the support you all have given me is overwhelming and if i could i would like to say thankyou to everybody personally and give you loads of (((hugs ))),  if only you could see my face now you would see this was from my heart. i have taken all your advise onboard and me and the dh will get though this together, as i have read though,what more proof do i need, life goes on but my god it hurts, i am also sorry that i have not replied earlier its just we needed time also i thought it was about time i let you know how we are,

l am still hurting after the D&C and i still wake up in the morning with painful (.)(.) which is a reminder,we also tried to get though new year we was offered to go to a friends and have something to eat and bring in the new year, well not so good for me could not enjoy it and felt a complete idiot, i think i was determined to get everyones presants to them and just kept going, the dh was telling me to stop but i wouldnt need to make sure i did not let anyone down, but by new year i was in so much pain that once i started to cry thought i would never stop, dh grabbed me and took me home and we just cried for ages and have spent the last few days together not getting out of bed not answering the phone nothing,

so to be honest every single one of you ladies were right we did need time for us, but i just did not want to accept what had happened and tried to go on as normal but it certainly does not work, we have sorted some thing out we was going to move anyway ref to schools but we have decided that we need a fresh start together and that is more important to me than anything is my dh,

we have also decided to try and live day to day with open minds.as long as we can do that well i think we have a very good chance,

its so hard l honestly thought that i would be a mother but with IVF its unpredictable you never no whats round the corner, its a weird feeling you feel completely numb, i keep asking myself why me, why am i not allowed to have a child, am i such a bad person. then l tell myself "nature" not me.

Well i will say goodbye for now and hope everyone gets there wish for 2007 and may i just add please keep the support going as people like me who have no one other than me and dh really needs it ladies you are all fantastic.

Take care    bell xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Bell

Sorry to be so late to this and to be honest I can't add anything more to what the other ladies have said, I just wanted to acknowledge your post and wish you all the best for 2007.

flipper


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you Bell for letting us all know how you are doing. I know it was hard for you. You and your DH - Keep on looking after yourselves. 

Love Jq


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bell - thank you from me too on your update.

Sending you my love 
Emcee xxx


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