# Failed intros



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

I am feeling pretty sick at the moment because in conjunction with my social worker we have decided to bring a halt to intros for an LO (5). There are lots of contributing factors including quite a lot of new (not good) information coming to light half way through but it's much more that that. I'm finding it hard to analyse the reasons because I do a lot of voluntary work with children and am very close to children in my extended family but for some reason this doesn't feel right. I know that sounds almost lazy and I could list all sorts about his behaviour issues, hyperactivity and other things you might expect (not helped by pressure from the LA to place earlier than planned) but it's not any one of those things on its own and I expected those anyway. 

For the first week of intros I was staying away in a hotel and felt sick every day which I put down to being away from home making it more difficult. When I got home I thought it would improve but after a 2 hour visit on the first day I was feeling sick and almost shaking afterwards. My normal strong, fun personality seemed to have upped and left. I did another day but I was counting the hours. I told my social worker all of my feelings and asked her if in her experience it was normal and she said no - that I should at least feel some 'connection' to LO, a little excitement maybe, be able to think of some positive moments etc. I slept on it and we requested a 'thinking' day but they got a bit funny about it and I think that just tipped me over the edge. 

I know this does happen but I feel weak and a failure although I trust my social worker and she knows me really well and is very experienced and when I told her how I was feeling I thought she would reassure me that it was normal and persuade me to continue, however she felt clear it should be stopped (for the LO sake as although this is bad - a disruption would of course be considerably worse). A trickle of relief flooded through me and the guilt is really eating me up. 

I know intros are really hard for everyone but I do get a feeling of dread and sickness at the thought of it continuing that is overwhelming. Sorry to ramble on just needed to get that out really


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww first big big hugs! FWIW it sounds like you've done the right thing. Your SW is right, it should feel scary, exhausting, nervous but not actual dread. Are you a singlie? I think that's tougher imo as you have no one to reassure you.

Look after you and when right get back together with your SW and pull apart what didn't feel right(including lead in time as we all time to bond and prepare before actually meeting.
X


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Bless you x it takes a lot of courage to speak up x

Don't beat yourself up.  I think sometimes we forget to listen to inner voices and feelings and these are often right and you are both rightly in thinking it's what's best for the child x

Take care lovely xx


----------



## Nieta (May 7, 2015)

I agree with the other posters that there's no point in continuing something that clearly isn't working out for you and it is indeed courageous to admit it. 

You're bound to be feeling all sorts of emotions right now. Do give yourself time to work through them before deciding what's next. These things have to be right to work out and I admire that you felt strong enough to say stop when you did. I'm also glad you're sw has your back! 

Take care and be kind to yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I haven't got time for proper post but I couldn't read and run. Huge hugs to you sweetheart. I can't imagine what emotions are twirling around your head and heart at the moment but please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. Take care and be kind to yourself xxx


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi Smudgerbabe

Firstly, huge hugs   it must have been such a difficult decision, but by the sounds of it the right one. 

You are absolutely right to say that to stop now rather than risk a disruption later is better. When we went through 3 week intro's with our two we did feel excitement, exhaustion, nervousness and generally happiness. However, like you we had several revelations learned about our eldest son during introductions and after placement. We both had some niggling doubts about our eldest boy and with his behaviour toward his sibling in particular, alas we didn't stop to really take a good look at how things were progressing and to this day I wish we had. We ended up with a disruption of our eldest placement 4 months after he came to live with us. Ironically our SW, who was very knew to the adoption side of SS, admitted sometime after the disruption that he had reservations about how things were going with the eldest boy during intro's, but because he was new he didn't mention it! 

Try to be kind to yourself and don't let the guilt eat at you. It is going to take some time for you to move on from this, but believe me you will.


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

xxx


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Smudgerbabe

Really feels to me that you have done the right thing for everyone no matter how difficult it might feel now for you. It must have taken courage to speak up. 
I did feel nervous and terribly worried but not sick and never to the point of almost shaking. 
Sending big hugs. Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time and then you can re-evaluate. 
Great reply from weemoofrazz 

Love GG xxxx


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

How are you today smudger? Has your so been in touch? Hope your support network are helping you through this, thinking of you x


----------



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi all it has helped so much having your supportive comments. I had probably the single most difficult moment of my life today having to say goodbye to him and re-iterate what they have told him the reasons are (all me not him of course). I am numb. My social worker is adamant it's the right decision for him and has lots of experience of it happening to others too. I can't explain how awful I feel but I still think it was the right thing to do to avoid a disruption. I am lucky I have a great social worker who still believes in me and LO stays at home with his current FC who he loves. 

I have no idea really what else I could have done, I couldn't have been more prepared for this, in fact in the matching panel the chairman said I was the most prepared he'd seen in his 2 years on it. I'm trying not to think of myself as a failure but it keeps creeping up on me. 

Thank you so much for your support it really has made such a difference. And Weemoo I was so sorry to hear about the disruption, I think it's so hard during intros to really have the space to think and it's such a shame the social worker didn't say anything. It was my social worker's concern that really made me realise my doubts were real and not just part of the intro whirlwind. 

Thanks everyone, I am still in a daze and I know it will hit me hard soon so this may not be my last post on this!  xxxxxxx


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You absolutely did the right thing. ((((((hugs)))))))  I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this, but I'm glad you've got a supportive and clued in SWer.  You did the best thing for him, and for you.  Go lick your wounds and look after yourself.  (((((((more hugs)))))))


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Just wanted to send hugs and support 
I can only begin to imagine how difficult a decision it was for you and how confused you must feel (let alone all the other emotions you must be feeling )

As others have said, you have absolutely done the right thing (for both of you), I totally believe in gut instincts, especially for matters as important as this.
I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive SW who you trust and who is helping you through this 

Anj x x x


----------



## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thinking of you Smudger! you are so brave and know yourself better than anyone. We are here to support you. xxxx


----------



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Thank you so much everyone xxxxxxxxx


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said but really feel for you. I know it was my worst fear when we were preparing for intros so can't even begin to imagine how dreadful it is to have that fear realised. Really pleased your sw is on board and being supportive, very brave thing to do and all too often adopters don't get the credit for being so.
Good luck for your future.


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

How are you doing smudger x


----------



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi Forgetmenot, I'm feeling down  and also very guilty even though I know it was the right thing. Luckily I have another few weeks off work to get my head together. I'm feeling a bit sick as I have cupboards full of children's food, a fully ready to go boys bedroom, toys, a trampoline in the back garden and all redundant now. I think it may be a little while before I tackle that! Although I'm feeling sorry for myself I am gutted that he had to go through several days of the process, I feel like a really bad person. Anyway I know it's for the best for both of us and I am just giving myself time to 'grieve' for him, for the life I had planned and all the things we were going to do, and decide further down the line if I still continue. Sorry if that's a bit poor me!! 

I have some great support though so will make the most of the summer and see where it all goes from there. Thank you for asking xxxx


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi Smudgerbabe

Just to say that I'm thinking of you and know exactly how you are feeling. I can honestly say though that having gone through similar it really does get better and in time you will come to regard your decision with complete resolution as the right one for all concerned.


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

xxx


----------



## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

I hope you're doing okay and getting lots of support. Just wanted to echo what everyone else said about you doing the right thing. Don't feel guilty - in the end you've done the best thing for him. sending love xxxx


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I think you are ok to think poor me too.  All your hopes and dreams were wrapped up in parenting that little boy and he will be better off in the long run, as will you both.  And if you go into it again down the line, you will have more experience.

The stuff can wait.  Could you still send some of it to the little boy, or is that not appropriate as some of it was brought specifically for him? Don't know if that would help or not.

I think you are so incredibly brave, you are right to grieve, it's a massive loss, and one people will never understand, massive hugs xxx


----------



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Thanks Forgetmenot, yes as the daze wears off I'm starting to feel the loss of everything I'd dreamed and been planning the last 3 years. I'm also starting to feel a little angry for both myself and LO at the people who did not give me the full information, the untruths, and the general lack of any joined up co-ordinated approach. My social worker is fuming (especially as they kept asking her authority to pay for things (LO was from a different area) and then tried to pull items from the support plan which had previously been agreed). Grr. 

Yes LO did get quite a bit of the stuff that he had already seen (he only came to my place for a day and a half) and some that he hadn't - games, books, tent etc. But not the curtains, bedding, wall décor, rugs etc. Most of which is still sitting there.

One thing I'll know for future is to get all of the information and reports up front, speak long and hard with the people and professionals that actually KNOW the LO and delve much deeper with my questions. Much longer meetings with the foster carer beforehand as well. It seems there is a complete lack of communication between social workers, foster carers, related professionals such as psychologists, medical, health visitors, Theraplay practitioners etc etc. The conflicting information blew my mind (much of which didn't materialise until intros).

Anyway enough moaning!!


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Moan as much as you need to my lovely. Can't imagine what you must be feeling but you've done the right thing for both of you.  When you're ready, the right little one will be ready for you


----------

