# Being Assertive



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello everyone.

It seems to me that we IF people often get hurt by insensitivity, assumptions and misplaced advice.

It is really hard to deal with this kind of thing from family and friends, and we often don't know how to respond, so we end up getting more of the same from the very same people. This can leave us feeling isolated and angry.

I guess we have to learn to just cope with or ignore the assumptions of new acquaintances and strangers, but when it comes to family and friends we often want to keep the channels of communication open. I think the way to do this whenever a full and frank discussion is not appropriate or possible is to be assertive. Not easy and not something I have always done or do, but I think it is worth trying as it allows us to express ourselves at the same time as respecting the person we are speaking to, which in turn allows them to understand our position a little better and so maybe to treat us a little more considerately next time. That should allow us to build a better relationship.

For me, feeling hurt when the other person probably means no harm leaves me feeling out of control just as I did during miscarriages and treatment. While IF has taught me that we cannot control everything, I still believe we need not be victims!

I hope it is OK with you all if I share some ideas I have tried, or wish I had tried. I would love to collect some more ideas from you all to add to my battery of responses for those occasions when I am just not at all sure what to say. These sort of responses allow us to say something pleasant and positive when that is the right thing to do, but also to express our own feelings.

*Pregnancy/Birth Announcements:*

"Congratulations, I am so pleased for you. We are still trying to have a family, please wish us luck."

"Congratulations....I wish we had been so lucky."

*Moaning about sleepless nights/lack of babysitters/money/teenagers.....*

"That must be difficult, but I am sure when you really stop and think you would not change anything! I/we would have given so much to be in your position."

*When are you going to start a family/ You better get on with it.../*

"Thanks for your interest. Actually we are having no luck/had no luck...."

*Have you tried.....? My friend. neighbour/niece....*

"Thanks for the idea. Actually we have had expert help and are doing/did everything possible......"

*Well you could always adopt/foster/go abroad like Madonna....*

"Yes, we have thought of that. It is actually very complicated, so ... we may not do that /may not have any luck there either...."

*Well everything happens for a reason*

I suppose so. It would be easier if I knew what the reason was!

*You are so busy, you would never have had time for children!*

I am busy now, you are right there. I have filled my time with good things I want to do. But I would rather have been busy having a family."

*I suppose IF runs in families*

On the whole not, otherwise we would be extinct."

*Didn't you want children?/I suppose you choose a career rather than a family......*

I/we did want children actually, but we discovered life doesn't always go to plan."

*Having children isn't the be all and end all/isn't easy/isn't .....*

"I am sure you are right. But I would have liked to find out for myself."

*You will get over it*

Yes, we are trying hard to do that, but it may be harder than you realise."

*At least you can have ... holidays... a new car...a tidy house....*

Yes and we do try to enjoy those things, but we would rather have had a family. Would you swap yours for material possessions?"

I could go on all night!

Assertively yours

Jq


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Excellent responses Jq- i must try them sometime. will post more tomorrow as i have to go now for a carol service xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Wow!!! JQ

They are such thoughtful and brilliant answers to many difficult questions that are often asked on a daily basis.I am going to look at these and memorise some of them, because they are so skillfully written and make positive answers..They also do not leave room for questioning unless we are prepared to go into a conversation.
I can see that they offer protection and also keep us safe..they are rational and i can see very effective. I can see an answer to most of the questions i am often asked..?I think this is brilliant..
Thankyou for taking the time JQ...you are invaluble!!!

love astridxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Jq - you are full of wise thoughts as always   thanks for sharing them. Going to try and remember some of your fab responses for tonight as going to a Xmas meal that will be women only, and of all ages, so am dreading the inevitable children questions that will no doubt be asked by numerous people. I would so love to just stay in tonight and eat chocolate on my own in Bridgett Jones feel sorry for myself type way  , but I have paid the deposit on the meal so I will just have to be brave and face the music or rather those conversation killer questions !! At least I am know armed with some great positive quick fire responses so wish me luck!

Love
Hippy

PS - Do hope you are ok today, as your other post indicated things have just got tougher for you right now, so sending big hugs xx


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Good evening,

Excellent replies - I shall too try to memorise these.

Thank you
Perkyone


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

Here are some more to add to your list jq:



> *Pregnancy/Birth Announcements:*
> 
> _(to people whom you know very well eg., close friends)_"We are very happy for you, but in some ways very sad for us too after hearing your news"
> 
> ...


  

Love to all
Emcee x


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

JQ and Emcee,

Thank you for sharing this with everyone.  I'm sure everyone will agree  this is such invaluable support.  

Personally, I like the more "sarcastic" responses ... oops, the little "minx" coming out of me !!!  i can imagine some of these would be difficult to say .............. the first time, but I can imagine you would feel great for it afterwards!!

Emcee, I particularly like, "oops, we forgot to have children" and "well we tried to get under it, around it, alongside it but never managed to get over it ."  

JQ, I like you, "thank you for your interest, actually we are having no luck" and "thank you for the idea .."  These both put people in their places without being rude about it, but with a "hint" of sarcasm ... Love it!!!

Bring it on!!

Love to all
Gill xo


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

It's a very interesting and disarming tactic "thanks for asking but..." and I look forward to deploying it in active service.  I was also very amused by your add-on's Emcee!

My young (very sweet and well meaning) assistant asked me last week why I don't like children to which I responded "I do, I think they are delicious, especially in a curry".  

Hippy, how did the Christmas dinner go?

flipper


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

When I'm asked next (and if I have the courage) when I'm going to have children, I'm going to use Emcees' classic line 'I'd love to have children, but my cats are allergic to them'!
pp xxx


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