# Second hand babies!



## Bunny Face

4 months ago a 14 month old baby boy became our son.  It wasnt an easy start (which I posted on here) and we were very close to disrupting.  4 months on things have improved and we are continuing with the placement.  Times are difficult as DS is a handful but we are planning on submitting the application for adoption order.

Shortly after we received 'the call' about our son we also found out that my brother was having a baby...this raised those horrible infertility feelings and I struggled with the pregnancy.  However they had a healthy baby girl last week and she's lovely.  I've tried to put my feelings aside and have supported my brother through those early days of sleepless nights etc. 

However, the arrival of a brand new birth baby to the family has really highlighted the differences in attitudes towards adopting.  Whilst at my parents house today, two different sets of family turned up to visit the new (biological)baby armed with cute little gifts and congratulations, the house was full of coos and smiles.  

Meanwhile I was running after my second hand baby who was determined to touch/grab/shout/cry/winge just to live up to the reputation of a child screwed by the foster care system. 

Well, obviously our second hand baby isn't worthy of a new baby gift, coos or congratulations.  No he isn't innocent, he doesn't fit in one palm of a hand.  He's boisterous, destructive and not particularly likeable but we all deserve more.  Adoptive parents and our second hand children deserve more....surely? 

Rant over!


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## ciacox

Hugs to you Bunny Face. You shouldn't have missed out on the coos and presents, and nor should your son. I hope you get to spend time with other adopters, or just with people who are positive and supportive. And I hope you feel proud of yourself and your little boy that you guys are making it work. In my (totally biased) opinion, adoptive families are especially loving and interesting and impressive and deserving of love and smiles. Xxxxxx


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## cosmopolitan4112008

I have not adopted a child, but i feel a huge respect and admiration for those who did it for parental and human reasons. Yoyr post really made me sad...your baby is a normal child who behaves exactly how a baby of his age should! He wasnt ruined by anyone and those people who commented against him are those i feel pity for because they should be ashamed of themselves. If we are going to be honest, you are the one to be congratulated because you saved a life. God knows where he could have ended up hadnt you adopted him. Dont pay attention to those sad comments!


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## Tictoc

Sometimes the new baby presents don't come because people are unsure how to do it. Do you give a present when baby comes home, when you get your adoption order or after celebration hearing. It's easy with a birth child, they are born and come home forever! 

I don't know what struggles you have been through with your son and I can't comment on his behaviour really but if he's 18 months it's pretty normal to be a terror - especially next to the little newborn who basically just eats and sleeps.

Sounds like you are having it tough right now so hope you are ok.


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## pyjamas

We were lucky that most people we were close to treated our LOs arrival in our home just as if she were a newborn and we got lots of cards and presents. Unfortunately  parents in law are finding it harder especially as my husband has a son from a previous relationship who they dote on!  x


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## Blondie71

Awwww please try to take that 'second hand' term out of your head   love him, love him & love him some more ❤ you've both gone through so much to find each other and you're both so lucky!! Parents aren't always nice to biological grand children either and a newborn always attracts a crowd, I have 2 terrors that nobody particularly wants around either 😂 but please don't ruin your own experience with negative language that he's not measuring up, I have 2 with significant disabilities and I battle with that daily too x


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## cosmopolitan4112008

I just want to say that i LOVE Blondie's message! Unfortunately no "like"button,but really Blondie👍👍👍


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## cokes

He is not a 'second hand baby' we have just come back from a christening which we were godparents and I can honestly say my son was loud, playful and mischievous like all the other children he was playing with!


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## Teeinparis

This broke my heart!!!


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## boxfish

Oh, that's really sad your family reacts so differently to new arrivals  I've been adopted myself at the very late age of 11 (been in foster care on and off since early childhood though). And I remember a lot a "coos" and just lovely welcoming with gifts for my parents and myself. Sorry you haven't gotten that loving care of your family 

@Blondie: I always referred to myself as _second hand child - but all the more loved_. There's nothing wrong with it.


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## beachbaby

Aw Big hugs, how sad I admire anyone who adopts> our neighbours daughter adopted twin girls and it has been a very traumatic journey for them. I would just say that as grandparents our neighbours treat all the grandchildren the same but the girls were almost 4 and had been with the same foster family for 2 years so it was quite a wrench. 
On another note boys are programmed differently to girls, the majority are loud, clumsy, destructive beings to name a few, a friend of mine had a boy after a girl and cannot cope with him at all, he just seems a normal boy to me, I have twin boys and they are crackers and I despair at times but am reassured that when they are anywhere with or without us people always comment on how lovely they are well behaved and very polite, which is all we can ask for as parents. 
I am so sorry your families are not more supportive and hope things improve in the coming months. (ps my mum and sister do nothing but shout at my boys, they hate going to spend time with them, which is upsetting but I don't blame them)


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