# So scared I'll never be a mum.... (sorry long post)



## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

This is my first post although I have been reading since late 2007 when we started our fertility journey.  This is my story.

I knew I always wanted to be a mum since a very young age but sadly never met Mr Right until I was 40.  I never wanted to have a child with the wrong person or be a single mum, although I did consider it many times over the years.  But that's all hindsight now.  I've always been aware of my biological clock ticking away, and since the age of 35 my GP reassured me every year by taking hormone profiles which were supposedly all ok. I was so concerned about safeguarding my fertility I even enquired about freezing my eggs but he said there was no need and not to waste my money.

We couldn't conceive naturally so went to our clinic and my world came crashing down when we were told that I had less than 5% chance of conceiving with my own eggs.  (Apparently my GP didn't have a clue about fertility and my blood tests weren't taken at the right time of my cycle giving false readings).  We went ahead with treatment praying it would work.  In 2008 we had 3 cycles of ICSI (male factor probs as well) all BFN.  I had to give up my job because of all the stress.  After the last cycle we were told our only option was donor eggs.  I had heard of this before but was still horrified at the thought; I couldn't cope and collapsed into a deep depression.  I barely functioned and withdrew from the world.  My DP was very supportive but I couldn't come to terms with not being a mum.  I felt he didn't really understand as he already has 2 grown up children (19 and 22).  

After a few months I began to do research on having DE treatment, I read so many positive stories of people having donor conceived children and I started to have a glimmer of hope whilst still grieving for the loss of my own biological child.  We had counselling which helped, but I still couldn't cope with anything baby related, even adverts on TV would reduce me to tears.  Later that year (2009) my DP proposed to me (we always knew we would get married but put it on hold so we could have IVF as time wasn't on our side then).  So I buried myself in wedding plans and my DP became my DH last year. I count my blessings to have him.  I tried not to focus on having children but the pain wouldn't go away.  I naiviely thought if I occupied myself with other things the heartache would stop and I could live my life just me and DH.  But I couldn't no matter how hard I tried.  Nothing could fill that gaping hole. 

After our wedding I was in a good place. I started a new job and we went back to our clinic to start the DE process.  Even though I had been on the waiting list for over 2 years I was nowhere near the top and our consultant advised us to have treatment abroad with one of 2 clinics they work closely with (USA or Spain).  So I then had to get my head round this.  We went to the Fertility Show last November to meet both teams and it was strangely comforting to see so many people there, I didn't feel so alone knowing that I wasn't the only one and it was good to talk to other people.  We came away bombarded with info and set ourselves a goal to decide on a clinic and visit them in the New Year.  But this didn't happen.

I became obsessed with reading everything I could about clinics abroad. I buried myself in my new job. I avoided my young nieces. I kept away from pregnant friends and those with children. I worried about my age. I look young for my age and colleagues were asking me when we were going to have a baby. What would they say if they knew how old I was?  On the outside I continued putting on my brave face but inside I was falling apart again. I was making excuses to my DH as to why I wouldn't start the DE process.  I secretly starting researching surrogacy.  I can't live my life without children but wasn't doing anything about it.  According to my counsellor it turns out that I am so frightened of failure and treatment not working that I've been avoiding it, which is a form of self protection from more pain and heartache.  But the thought of never being a mum is even more painful.  So what's wrong with me?  Has anyone else felt like this?  I've read so much on here and haven't come across someone like me.

Me and DH had discussed about going to Spain for treatment.  But something didn't feel right.  Not enough info about donors.  I needed more than age, hair and eye colour, for the child's sake (what if they resented me for not knowing anything about their biological heritage?).  But I didn't share this with him.  I've just turned 45.  My DH tackled me about where I was in my head.  I think I needed that, my kick start.  So after a lot of tears we met the USA team again in London recently, and have decided treatment with them.  The ball is finally rolling.  I'm busy preparing everything for our first visit there next month.  Being proactive is definitely better but I'm still so scared.  What am I going to do if it doesn't work?  I wish I could shut my head down and just concentrate on the here and now.  I want to have one day when I don't cry or feel really sad.  At least I have my DH.  Why can't that be enough for me?

If anyone has got to this point then thank you for reading.  I'm sorry it's 'a me' post but I just needed to get it all down. I wish you all well and hope your dreams come true.

Jay x


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## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Hello Jay and welcome 

You sure have been through a lot  what a nightmare about your GP giving you false results  similar thing  happened to me. I asked my GP for a day 3 hormone test and it all came back "normal" but that was far from the true,  luckily I already been to a fertility clinic and new what numbers I should be looking for, but what if I didn't knew any better?? I would be walking around thinking that everything is fine while whatever eggs I have left disappeared    

I have just started my first cycle and even if I'm trying to be positive, i am really scared as well, but it's only natural. Glad you found the strength to finally get the ball rolling with the tx. Is that correct that USA clinics show you pictures of the donors or am wrong? Best of luck on your journey

Xx


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## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi Lola,

Thanks for your reply.  It's good to hear that you know what your hormone profiles should be; I wish I had known back then but I put all my trust in my GP.

Yes the USA clinic we are going to does give photos of egg donors, when they were babies/toddlers.  But even if they didn't I would still be happy with them as they give so much info on their donor database eg. characteristics, personal and family medical histories, heritage, education, interests, and a personal note from the donor. 

Good luck with your treatment.  I see you're at the Lister, that's where we are.  Even though we were unsuccessful I couldn't recommend them highly enough.  xx


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## ♥MillyMax♥ (Nov 21, 2005)

Jay

  

I just wanted to give you some hope, you will see from my history we have had a very long fertility journey but I am now 10 wks pregnant following a DE cycle in the US.

I am not sure which clinic you are with or if you even want to divulge, we are went to Shady Grove in Washington.

Wishing you much luck in your further path.

MM
x


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Jay! FF is a lifeline for those seeking support, information and friendship whilst going through fertility issues. Fellow FF members are fantastic pressure valves when family, friends, doctors and partners often just don't "get" what you're going through. It has held my hand throughout treatment and I've made some great friends and gained a vast amount of knowledge, both of which are key factors in at least maintaining some level of sanity!

I'm so sorry to hear of all you've been through. IVF is bad enough, but then when you have to start considering other options, it can really throw you into a spin. I know you say that you don't know of anyone who shares your feelings of panic, but I doubt that there is anyone on here who hasn't experienced at least some of what you are feeling, particularly regarding the fear of not succeeding and never being a mother. It is just a terrifying notion. I also found it highly stressful choosing a clinic, and went through months of panic and writing up endless tables of pros and cons. I did find however that once I had our cycle booked, I managed to allow myself (and DP) a bit of time to enjoy ourselves and switch off a little. We were lucky, we succeeded on our first donor egg cycle, but even now when I look back at the years of trying prior to our success, I find it almost impossible to stop the tears, because I still grieve for those years I lost when I was immersed in the grief of dealing with infertility. It IS all worth it if you are successful, but as you say, you just don't know. If you've found a good clinic, that is a huge part of the battle fought. And congratulations on dragging yourself out of your depression - it may feel like you are still swamped but being able to sort through all the practical steps you need to take, finding the right clinic, all at the same time as working out what you want is a sign that you are strong enough to address the coming months. I wish you masses of good luck, hon.     

Have a look around the site, post wherever you like, and make yourself at home. Whatever your circumstances, there will be someone who is going through a similar situation and who can offer support and information.

I've added some links which you may find helpful:

*Donor sperm/eggs ~ *CLICK HERE

*TTC over 40 ~ *CLICK HERE

*International area*[CLICK HERE[color]

*Complementary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

*What Every New Member Needs to Know ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here. 
CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

Post here with any more questions, or on any other part of the site - there will be lovely people ready to offer friendship, hugs and support to keep you going through the ups and downs and you'll quickly feel at home.

Good luck, I hope your visit next month goes fantastically.

Martha X


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## StephLewry (Jul 30, 2011)

Woah! You've really been through the ringer... i'm glad your getting treatment from the USA team..its a good step for you...and you shouldn't worry about your age...age doesn't determine whether you will be a good mum or not...its the person and if anyone is small minded enough to think badly about your age then they can't be any good to you and you don't need people like that around...i hope everything goes well for you... gl xxx


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## lucky 7783 (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi,
my name is Dale i am new to this sight and just read your post, i feel for you   i feel the same, i am currently on day 6 after embryo transfer and dont feel a thing. i feel so sad and have this overwhelming feeling it hasnt worked, but i may have to go through the trauma of never being a mum as i we would find it difficult to come up with the huge expense. all the emotions are a nightmare! i am finding it hard at work as i havent told everyone so i am trying to always put on a brave face. i wish you all the best and success! you will get there!
warm regards,
Dale


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## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Hello Ladies

Thanks so much for your replies, sorry I haven't responded earlier.  Just hearing some kind words makes such a difference. I know everyone of us on here must at some point be afraid of never being a mother, we all deal with things differently, what I can't get is why I've been putting off DE treatment when I can't face NOT being a mother :-(  At least I'm getting on with it now but I'm sooooooo scared.

VEC, sounds as though you know how I feel, another one who does loads of research! Congratulations on your DS and hope your dreams of a second one come true. Thanks also for the helpful links.

StephLewry, thank you, I know that my age won't stop me from being a good mum, but it does hurt when people make comments. It's not out of choice that I'm childless at my age, but then again only people who haven't experienced fertility problems make these statements. Good luck with your journey.

Lucky7783, I feel for you.  I know only too well what it's like having to put on a brave face when inside you feel like crumbling. I really hope your cycle has worked.

MillyMax, thank you for your encouragement.  A huge congratulations on your pregnancy.  We are also going to Shady Grove, I have PM you, hope that is ok?

To anyone else reading, hang on in there, that's what I tell myself countless times each day.

Jay xx


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## debs01 (Aug 20, 2011)

Hi Jay

It made me feel so sad when i read your post. You are not going mad and their is nothing wrong with you. My husband and i have been together for sixteen years and all we have ever wanted was to have a baby. We suffered our first ectopic in 97 and then had another one in 2000. I have lost both of my tubes and have had 11 miscarrages which has been very painfull as we haven't had the best support from our family.

We both find it very hard when babies are around and missed out on so much,ie when my brother was having his family and friends having babies. Nobody understood how we were feeling,the pain was so deep.

After suffering with depression and little help and support we couldn't give up and wouldn't except we cant have children.

After going through the adoption proses for 18 months we were feeling a little positive,then that failed as i got upset at the workshop day. They told me i needed to get help as everthing was to raw. It felt like my world had fallen apart.

I went right down in a deep hole then pulled myself out and got help.

I went through some terrible anxiety attacks and the depression was not good,but what got me through was my husband. Our marrage is so strong and we have always been their for each other.

Sept last year my husband found a clinic (Bourne hall) having a open so we went along. We had a meeting with a consultant and after lots of tests and so on, he thought egg donation was best for us,he also said that they work with this clinic in Spain. This was all new to us so we had to do a lot of thinking.

We decided to go for it. They found us a donor and we have just come back after having our egg transfer,we get our results on Thurs 25th. i had thoughts that it wouldn't be my baby, but they all disappeared. If we get a positive result i know i will be the mother and have a long story to tell the most wanted baby in the world.

Keep in their.

Debs x


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## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Dear Debs

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for sharing your story.  I understand how you feel, so please don't feel alone.  I also feel very sad for you, you have been through so much.  You sound as though you have an amazing husband who has supported you and stood by you during the darkest times.

We also have a strong marriage although it has been tested many times.  It takes a very special person to be able to stand by you.  I know only too well how those deep holes feel.  We also don't have any support or understanding from our family (apart fom my mum) so it's a very lonely place.

We also enquired about adoption but was told due to my history of anxiety and depression we wouldn't be accepted.  That really hurt.  Some stranger making decisions about you without knowing you.  I know they have to put the welfare of any child first but there is no way I would harm or neglect a child.  I have always been very maternal and have so much love to give. I'm under no illusions that raising a child is easy and know that I can do it. 

I'm so pleased that you accepted ED and hope you are succesful.  Your test date is the date we fly out to USA so will be thinking of you, let me know how you get on.

I'm getting very nervous and hope we cross the first hurdle in being accepted on their ED programme.  

Sending you lots of baby dust and congratulations on being PUPO.

Jay x


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## debs01 (Aug 20, 2011)

Hi Jay

How are you feeling today?I'm sure you are getting nervous about going to the USA on Thursday.

Will you be having DE transfer when you are there?.

Stay in touch and i will be hear for you.

Debs x


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## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi Debs I have PM you. Jay x


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