# BFN FEB 2015



## honkiepink

So I got my BFN today. First attempt at IVF should have known I wouldn't be one of the lucky ones that had it work first time but we have got one frostie. Next appointment 11th of march to get us signed up for next round. The best thing is we get our frostie put back in for free as we did our first cycle on the NHS . I only found this out today so its good news for us as we thought we would have to pay now. I'm feeling a lot more positive than I thought I would be considering but at least I can start to focus on other things now. I have about three months before the next attempt with our frostie so I am going to plan lots of exciting things for me and the hubs to do whilst we wait such as spa days, trips out and over night stays.
I hope others that have had a BFN are ok. My heart goes out to you xxx


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## SleepyT

Hi honkiepink. 
I got my BFN yesterday too. We had no embies to freeze. We had 3 x grade C Blasties but one looked poorer than the other two. They said they'd coast it on another day and see if worth freezing but they called on day 6 and said it wasn't good enough. It would appear the other two they transferred were probably as poor. Who knows?
I'm heartbroken, best of luck with the frostie in March


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## honkiepink

Hi sleepyt, sorry to hear about your BFN it's so hard isn't it? I'm kinda ok now. I know that the frostie probably won't work but we are lucky that we get a chance for free. Even if it does work I am going to do egg donation next time,not just to save us a few pounds but I really want to help someone fulfil their dream of becoming a mum 😘. 
Are you going to try again? Was it your first attempt?  
How are you feeling?  Xxx


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## honkiepink

Sorry just read not your first time 😘 xx


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## SleepyT

Hi ******. Yeah second time. We moved about 5 years ago and was offered a funded cycle as it was different area.
(Well actually was told I would get three funded cycles but they took that away and reduced it to one. I'll never know if that was right or not - I had no idea where to go)
The first cycle had gone so well and I'm a "Unexplainder" so I figured even though I'm 37 now, maybe I'll be lucky. Again the cycle went very smoothly, there were no issues all the way along everything seemed great. Then you get to 2ww ad just have o idea what's happening. To get the BFN was devastating. People just don't get it. I'm feeling very low today, tomorrow may be better. We can't afford a cycle so it's back to TTC naturally which I know is never going to happen, but just don't know why.
So the mummy club is not for me and it hurts 
Good for you with the donation - and hope the frostie is a gem for you  xx


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## littlecat83

HI Sleepy T

Please don't give up. Probably a silly question but have you tried everything? Supplements, yoga, no alcohol, no caffeine etc etc. Also I have mild PCO and they've put me on metformin which can sometimes help people conceive. Have you investigated that at all?

If not would adoption be an option for you to be a mummy? : )

xxxx


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## gabiladybird

Hello ladies,
Can I join you? We've had our second BFN and this time I really wasn't expecting it, I was so positive about it and when they called me, the news was devastating. Took it better than first time though, I'm staying positive despite the fact, the next cycle is going to be our last try. 
I am also unexplained, however, the clinic did some immune test and it looks like I have raised cytokines and natural killer cells which was probably the reason why the embies didn't stick. I'm going back today for a consultation to find out more and about the next step. I guess I'll be back on immune treatment for a couple of months before I can cycle again. In the meantime, i'm trying a gluten free diet to keep inflammation to a minimum. 
It's still very hard and it's been a couple of weeks now. 
OH's friend was invited to us for Saturday and he text him back that he can't do 6 pm as he has a 1 yr old and a 3yr old and they need to be in bed by then. Just rub it in, why don't you....
I hope it works out for you ladies, one way or another. Take care x


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## SleepyT

Hi Ladies

Little Cat - no I'm pretty rubbish with knowledge as I use the internet for research and it's just blows my mind, I can't follow things, there's too much info and my doctor is not that helpful. And I don't really know where to start with it. I did begin supplements just after Christmas, Fish Oil/Omega 3 and Royal Jelly and of course the Folic Acid. Are there any others you recommend? I did buy Spirulina but conflicting info on whether it's good for early pg so as I was in 2ww I've not even opened it yet. Yoga is something me and DH are looking into.
I will look a Metformin now - again no idea!

Gabi Ladybird - I was the same. I was so positive this time, proper convinced it was our time. The BFN just crushed me as it just feels like it's all over but I'm going to give it another push this year if we can. It's just so unfair isn't it? And likewise, we have a Christening to go to tomorrow which I would rather avoid like the plague. I had the same thing after my last cycle and it was the most horrendous day. I don't think I'm going to put myself through it tomorrow.

I'm normally quite an upbeat bubbly person - but I'm more deflated than a burst balloon (still with a stomach that looks like a balloon!!   )


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## littlecat83

HI SleepyT

Well there are definite DEFINITE things that you can do to help, especially before an IVF cycle

- First thing to remember is that eggs and sperm reproduce on a three month cycle
- Three months before your IVF cycle both of you could cut out alcohol, caffeine and smoking (if you do any of these). There is so much research to suggest this all damages fertility
- Both you and your partner need to take a good supplement. If you're confused about all the supplements out there then just keep it simple and try the pregnacare conception for you and the wellman conception for him : ) Take one every day and they are perfectly designed to have everything you need without you having to do all the research.
- What is your partner's lifestyle like? To keep the sperm tip top he should avoid things like hot baths, saunas, cycling etc etc
- Have a good clean healthy diet, lots of protein, eggs, fresh veg and no processed food and junk

It's hard but there is lots of research out there to suggest that changes to your lifestyle can have a good effect. Meditation is good for peace of mind and well being as well, just calling your brain down when you're stressed. Zita West had a good meditation CD that focuses specifically on fertility.

I only mention metformin as you said you had PCO but now I can't find where I read that. 

Good luck xxx


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## littlecat83

Ah I see I read it in your signature! Ask your clinic about metformin. They put me on it as there is lots of evidence to suggest it help women with PCO to conceive. Or at least helps regulate you x


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## SleepyT

Thanks Little Cat that is great. I will definitely get on those supplements (far easier!!)
I've actually been inspired by a couple of threads I've read on here today and have just this minute booked an appt with GP to follow up on my ivf cycle, the funding I was offered and then denied, and I will definitely ask about Metformin and any additional testing they might be able to do. It's so vast that there could be so may reasons we are not conceiving naturally. My biggest question since my first cycle in 2008 has been, do we perhaps achieve fertilisation but lose it so early, that I don't even know and my cycle stays normal? Or are my eggs rubbish! DH sperm looked good throughout this cycle. The first time around in 2008 they said low motility. But that wasn't a issue in the 3 different samples he gave over the last 6 months or so. All results were above average. So it's me - or it's that we don't work together


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## honkiepink

Welcome everyone  Thank you for joining the post xx
*Sleepyt* - Please do not give up hope yet. 
There are plenty of ways you can become a mummy. I know we all want to carry ourselves but there are so many children out there crying out for women like us! we can offer so much to those little ones  I think its great that you have called the GP. They can learn from previous cycles to help future cycles have success 
I also fully agree with little cat that diet is so important and yes our diet now affects our eggs in three months!! CRAZY!! I also have done some research into food and avocados and olive oil increase fertility. Avoid saturated fats (don't heat up olive oil in a frying pan as it turns into s saturated fat, I use coconut oil  ) My hubs bought me a nutribullet for Christmas as I wanted to have more fruits and veg in my diet and now I have one everyday its so good, quick, easy to use and clean and they are so tasty! I am hoping that with all the goodness I am putting in its creating little healthy follies to be collected on my next go 
2008 is quite a few years ago things have progressed so much since then so maybe they can answer your questions more accurately When I first started out they tested the hubs sperm and that was all good so then I had so many tests, scans, lap and dye, then one tube blocked had that out then told could conceive naturally, tried and nothing went for a scan other tube blocked so had that all and now IVF is our only hope. Its so hard as everyone is different but I think you should ask for every test you can get before spending a penny on IVF as you need to know what could be wrong first? I am not sure if I am on the right lines here or if this advice is any good, I just don't want you to give up hope just yet 
I am like you a bubbly positive person and this is so challenging!! its hard to keep that smile on your face when inside you are breaking!
*Gabiladybird* - I know exactly what you mean about it not being fair or people moaning about their kids. you feel like everything is a dig!! I met up with my friend on Saturday, she has a three year old, and she was telling me how its hard being a mum, she prefers going to work than being with her daughter as she just finds it draining! I mean she doesn't know im going through IVF but shes aware that we can get pregnant and that I have no tubes, but I am like is she honestly saying this to me??!! my other friends is 28 weeks with her second and she told me she cried when she found out as she doesnt now how she will cope with a toddler and a new born!!!! are they flippin joking??!!! you should be bloody grateful that you even have one!! gosh people make me angry with how insensitive they are they just don't appreciate what they have!!!
Sorry rant over!! xxx


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## SleepyT

Thank you ******
I think my problem has been I don't know what to ask for. Although I haven't got the thousands it costs for IVF, I would happily pay the hundreds here and there (if that's what they cost) for other tests. And some I'm sure are available thru NHS but I just done know what tests I should be going for.  I don't know yet how helpful the GP is going to be, we have no rapport, I've only met her once but she referred me for this latest (second) attempt. Fingers crossed she will be good. 
I've been very strict and watchful of my diet. We bought a juicer before new year and I keep this to fruit. I know during IVF we are meant to steer clear of raw veggies and only eat cooked. But caffeine I cut out mid last year but still was a chocoholic.  Been off chocolate since new year now too and it's all white meat, fish and fresh fruit n veg. Also some vitamin supplements. Didn't know that about olive oil though! Must tell hubby too. 
Any tips on tests to ask for would be really useful (my tubes are fine, slight PCO. BUt I think it's more hormonal or it's luteal phase issues) xx


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## gabiladybird

Hi Honkiepink, yeah, some people are so insensitive though I think they try to make a joke out of it to lighten the mood. Which is ok for the first few months but after a few years it becomes pretty annoying! I do have a little boy and he's the best thing ever. I've mentioned to OH that we could adopt if I can't conceive (with his child) but he's said he'd pretty much already adopted my son and the whole point is to have his own. It may be a bit difficult after what we've been told on our follow-up consultation yesterday. Basically, they reckon IVF didn't work due to chromosomal issues which pretty much means egg quality. I know it can also be the sperm or even the two together but considering my age, it's fairly likely that my age affects quality. I'm trying to think back what my diet was like 3 months ago but I think by then I'd already turned into a rabbit, eating countless portions of veggies and drinking gallons of water. x
SleepyT - I had D7 and D21 test on the NHS to check if I ovulated and check other hormone levels. (it may have been D14, can't remember). I also had HSG to check for blocked tubes. See if you can get a ureaplasma and mycoplasma test out of your GP, these test for infections that can interfere with conception, also Chlamydia and vitamin D deficiency. TBH, our consultation with the registrar at the NHS was absolutely useless and frustrating. They are so busy, they don't seem to have time for individual cases and as we were not eligible for funding, they could only do so much for us. Oh, OH also had a sperm test, I think that was all. Good luck. x


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## honkiepink

Gabiladybird - All the advice on the test sounds fab! I really would not know where to start. I went to my GP and they knew what tests I would need. I also have a friend who has a period for like 6 months at a time so it was hard for her to know when she ovulated as she was constantly bleeding. She went to the hospital and they did so many tests on her. They eventually put her on medication to control her periods so they could see if she was ovulating, controlling the bleeding etc. I think just try and have some faith in the doctors (I know its hard with some of them!) and just see which path they take you on. hope that makes sense


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## MrsSKB

Hi

Do you mind if I join you guys? I got my BFN this morning.  Same as you, honkiepink, first IVF attempt but unfortunately no frosties for us as only two embryos behaved (well, only Grade 3 so not wonderful) so they transferred both.  Tried not to get my hopes up but last night I started letting myself have a tiny bit of hope and then this morning ... well, BFN.

Me thinks a glass of something a little strong is in order tonight!!

xx


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## honkiepink

Hello and welcome mrsskb xx 
I am so sorry to hear about your BFN it's heartbreaking isn't it.there's just no words that will help or make you feel better but I found after a couple of days I was ok. I'm actually feeling better than I thought though.I feel like I am back to me if that makes sense.since the start of December I found myself getting excited, yay we are starting IVF I'm going to have a baby,yay and slowly I have built my hopes up and become kind of obsessed with the thought we might actually get to have a family but now I know it didn't work and our next go with our frostie is in may I feel like I Can focus on my relationship, my career and enjoying myself again and it's great! I know this may be tmi but my sex life is getting back on track to,as for over three years sex was about making a baby and not as much for pleasure but now I know I cant conceive naturally and this cycle is over I can focus on bringing the fun back to my marriage which is so easy to forget in this hard time! 
I don't know if anyone feels the same or if I'm just rambling lol.I hope this had made you fee feel better.I am a firm believer in what will be will b. I had a bottle of red last night my first drink in almost five months!! Enjoy it now as when we all try again we can't have it 😉 Xxx


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## MrsSKB

I can't tell you how much I want our sex life to get back on track (tmi - sorry).

We've got a holiday booked at the start of April and then it's my birthday so going to enjoy myself and then come back to our next move!

xx


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## honkiepink

Definitely not tmi! I am a complete open book. I started this page so I can be honest and open about everything. I am over the moon that I'm getting my sex life back on track(it's not fully there but going in the right direction!)  I think it's so easy to forget that you are two people that love each other. My hubs hasn't been out with his friends for months and he went out last night and when he came back he was telling me how much he missed me,that he thought I was sexy and he loves all my curves! Ok so  he was a little drunk but I don't care I have been dying to hear that from him! We all love being told that our men love us for who we are.I haven't heard anything like that for months! All our partners want is for us to be happy 😊 I think we forget that as we get so focused on getting a baby that we kind of lose ourselves. Now I'm feeling back to me it's like he's come back if that make sense.
A holiday sounds perfect!  Try a little date night.get dressed up do your hair and make up and just go and have a laugh together ♥ xxxx


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## SleepyT

Thank you Gabi Ladybird - I've had the 7 and 21 day bloods for ovulation - I assume all normal as they didn't say otherwise. And I've had the Hysteroscopy. They also removed a Polyp from my endometrium before they let me start IVF this time around (wondered if that had been there all along and ever picked up before)
I'm bugged by Natural Killer Cells that keep popping up on threads here, and blood clotting. I believe these are immune tests which from what I can gather is not something can have on the NHS. But I'll chat with the GP and see if I can get a referral. I do have BUPA but no idea if this is any good? All so confusing and I feel very impatient now like this year is it or it's not going to happen (well with my eggs and DH little men anyway. We would have to look at other options). I feel my eggs are poor quality but won't know until my follow up at the end of March. I want to not give up, but I'm back to being obsessive having had so much hope in January.

Good luck with sex lives MrsSKB and ******!    my DH has become very distant since Weds, I know he dreaded a BFN and worried sick about my reaction to it. He's not handling it very well, I'm very alone right now - and so is he probably. He might come around. So you guys ENJOY!!!


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## honkiepink

Awwww sleepyt - your never alone on here  but I do know what you mean this process is very lonely it is so hard to find people to speak to about it. I find this forum very helpful and I have counseling once a month (my clinic offer it for free and its a god send!I love just being able to rant about anything that pops into my head at someone who is completely impartial and wont judge me!) does your clinic offer any support? I go by myself as I feel the hubs hears it and deals with it all the time so its better me just going. I find it so refreshing and when I come out i am always more positive.
Trust me when I say getting to the point where sex is for pleasure has been a nightmare and I think up until Saturday night its probably been about two months since we had any intimate time! 
Sounds like you have the right types of tests. I know I have mentioned it before but avocados really help egg quality and diet can have a massive affect on eggs. I have fallen off the wagon since getting my BFN but I am going to start again from today as I need to get my body prepared ready for when we go again (I dont think our frostie will work but im focusing on our next IVF cycle!) which should be in August so anything I do now will help us massively (I am going to donate some of my eggs so will help someone else as well  . I know I probably go on a bit but there are so many natural vitamins and minerals in fruit and veg. They help our bodies function they way they are supposed to With all the chemicals they put on food now a days it could be all the unnatural processed foods that could be effecting us but we dont even know about it. Plus eating better will help the waist line which is always a great way to feel better about ourselves and look good  hope my rambling helps a little bit  xxx


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## SleepyT

It really does, thank you. We have really cut all the rubbish foods out since the turn of new year and I couldn't go back to eating [email protected] now. 
We fell off the wagon too, had fish and chips on Saturday night. Was yum but I felt really bad after  
The fridge is full of green veg (including avocados but I don't eat them enough - must try harder) and I'm taking my vitamins! Bought DH some at the weekend too.
I'm gonna go for it naturally this month in the hope that we're more fertile after treatment. Got an OPK yesterday and may try the Preseed - just to help things along. I don't want to lose momentum right now or I will just throw the towel in (I'm a bit like that)
I think that's what is throwing my DH into a wobbly. He sees me on this website again and its bringing it all back how badly I took it last time. I am much calmer now and am on here for advice on next steps, and to talk to people who understand. He just sees that exactly what he worried about, is happening.
I think we will bridge the gap this week once things settle down a bit. It's still all very raw
But yes, ramble away - it keeps me sane 
Thanks ****** x


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## honkiepink

hahahaha i love a good rant.
your fridge sounds great! I had a chicken and mushroom pie and chips on Saturday night for the first time in ages and yes although it was great at the time i notice a massive difference in myself. I feel all sluggish and have no energy but when I eat well I want to actually get up and do stuff (like my house gets cleaned! lol)
Sometimes its hard to eat avocados - depending on what you are having for dinner - I have found a great meal which is healthy and so filling, you can stuff your face but you dont get that horrid bloated feeling like when you have bread! (although bread is amazing! lol ) I will write the meal below 
Lamb/lean steak mince/ turkey mince (I always try and have turkey mine as its healthier and so tasty!)
little gem lettuces
homemade guacamole (avocados, 1 small fresh chilli and olive oil - I blend in my little blender - add olive oil for smooth consistency) 
Parmesan- (its quite a strong cheese so you dont need much)
quark (can be found in all supermarkets and is a fab replacement for soured cream, creme fresh and Greek yoghurt -  put with chilli con carne etc)
i put everything i small bowls and just have a little picnic - the only thing you cook is the mince which takes less than ten mins!
we have this about three nights a week and it never gets boring - I sometimes make my own houmous to - garlic is really good for you - chick peas, garlic,olive oil and lemon juice (sometimes im naughty and put sundried tomatoes in with it -OMG its amazing!!) 
I am such a foodie and I love to cook but sometimes its hard when you are at work all day, you've got to clean the house, walk the dog, find time to cook etc,see friends and family and deal with all this stuff on top of it all, so I try to make healthy recipes that are quick to make.
I could actually talk about food all day! this should be my cooking page!! lol
if anyone has any recipes they want to share or wants any more ideas please just add or ask 
yay good for you sleepy to try again naturally, its so hard but we just have to jump back on the wagon don't we. Your so lucky that you have the option to try naturally  I will keep my fingers crossed for you    xxxx


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## MrsSKB

Mmm ... I love FOOD! If I had my way I would just eat all day long!  DH goes to Slimming World (had to lose weight to get NHS funding) and does most of the cooking so we do tend to eat quite well but when we fall off the wagon, it happens spectacularly.
Argh, this morning has been awful - had to call the clinic to let them know about the BFN and couldn't get my words out, it was horrible .  People are being too nice and I can't help but just break down.  Bloody hormones and emotions.
MrSKB is being his normal amazing self and worrying about me, although I know he is just as gutted as me and I'm worried he thinks I'm blaming him, which I'm not, I'm just not very good at talking about things!
As for sex life, need to get over AF first and then poor chap won't know what's hit him  !
Big hugs SleepyT - you're definitely not alone here.  I'm so glad I found this site, has helped me stay that little bit saner.

Love to all 
xx


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## honkiepink

Mrsskb - oh the dreaded phone call!! It's so hard to get those words out and when you do say the words negative it's then very real that our journey failed again. I hated it when people said oh I'm so sorry. That just killed me. I just broke down. Sad times.
You made me laugh out loud when you said he won't know what's hit him (lucky guy 😜) so funny but it's a good sign that you are making jokes. I always think if things are really bad but you still manage to make a joke then it shows you are strong 💪 😘 bless the other halves as they just want us to be happy. The thing Is they make us happy we just want to complete that happiness. WE WILL GET THERE!!! 
sending hugs to you 😘  if you need to rant about anything please feel free I'm always happy to listen to a good rant! It's nice to hear someone else for a change lol Xxx


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## MrsSKB

Thankfully we can always laugh and joke. I don't know what I would do if we were one of those really serious couples! The man is an idiot but I love him to bits 😆!
Thank you for the hugs  .


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## MrsSKB

If one more person tells me 'it will happen when you least expect it', I might f**king kill them!!  

Anyway, how are you today,honkiepink and SleepyT? 
xx


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## SleepyT

Hi Girls. Not bad thanks Mrs! Just plodding on. I really felt for you when I read about the call, I hate that phone call too, it def is the time for the tears to flood out. I can't believe it's less than a week that I got my BFN. I feel like I've cried a months' worth! But ******, as you say, I'm very lucky to have all my bits in tact and have the option of trying naturally, there is just some other thing somewhere stopping the process! And my eggs are probably shrivelled up raisins by now! This IF malarkey is so unfair!

Loving the recipe ******, I will be giving that a go for sure. I am not a good cook at all, I don't enjoy it at all, but I love eating!! DH is the chef in our house, he's very good. So he'll be enlisted to give your recipe a try 

Just relax MrsSKB - the worst thing you can do is stress out, if you stop stressing it'll just happen.


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## MrsSKB

SleepyT ...

                                   

 

xx


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## gabiladybird

oh yes MrsSKB and SleepyT... and when you're given up on the whole IVF process, you'll just fall naturally... easy...


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## honkiepink

I am loving this conversation lol.it's funny when people say that to me!! And I'm like Hhhhmmmm it's not actually possible as I have no tubes?! 
I am good.I had my budgets exam this morning think it went well,will find out in six weeks!!  Then I went to am agency and signed up with them so they can help me find a new job. I have been offered a job interview on Thursday which I'm looking forward to although it is quite a way away from my house so not sure if it's worth going for it unless the money is really good lol. I am focusing on finding a new job as I need a fresh start. How is everyone else? 
We are going to Harry potter world on Saturday which we are excited about,I bought hubs the tickets for christmas so we have been counting down the days until we go(something good to look forward to) I'm excited it's supposed to be good xx


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## SleepyT

No way! I live right next to Harry Potter tour - is it the Warner Bros Studio in Leavesden (Watford) tour that you're going to?? Can you believe we have never been and it's literally the other side of our back garden!
Good luck with the job hunting, that'll certainly keep you occupied for sure!

Yes Ladies, we need to find more responses for the "just relax, it'll happen" advice 
****** yours is unfortunately a great way to shut them up! But if only they knew the facts and not just know somebody who was trying for years and then it just happened when they had given up (or similar such story)

At least we can laugh about it here


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## MrsSKB

Good luck with the job hunting!  What's the budget exam?
Let us know what you think of the Harry Potter tour! I might try and get MrSKB to take me .

It's always the newly married people who click their fingers ... boom ... pregnant.  "So when are you going to have kids then?  Isn't it time you gave your mum and dad grandkids?"  A couple of times recently I have just snapped, "I bloody well can't," and the look on their faces have been absolutely priceless.

My DH is working over the weekend, it will be the first set of nights he's done since ET and I'm dreading being on my own.

xx


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## honkiepink

Yes sleepyt its the one in Watford! We went to the one in Florida and loved it.we also love the films  il let you know if its any good.there's apparentlya waffle house in st Albans which is really good and we were going to go there after have you been? 
Yes my come back is good but still hurts when I have to say it or hear peoples off the cuff comments. It makes me angry that people dont even try and get up the duff(sorfy hate the p word,that's the one word that kills me inside) I suppose until you go through it you just don't understand.thank god for FF! 
I'm training to be an accountant. Budgets is on of the exams.I still have a long way to go but its great having something positiveto focus on.its so hard though.I had to have something.I needed to change my career and education was the only way. It's good but its funny how some parts of your life can pick up and others just go down hill.I try and tell people I don't want kids yet as I'm training to be an accountant but the truth is I'd give it all up for a family. But seen as that is not going to happen for me YET I am just going to get a better paid job (to help pay for the IVF!) Gotta have something to work towards  xx


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## MrsSKB

Ah, that would make sense.  Fair play, accounting is a really good career.

When it's people I don't really know, I just kind of joke that I can barely look after myself, let alone a baby or we're just happy together for now.  It kills me every time I say it.  I sometimes worry that I may have jinxed myself!

Currently trying to find somewhere to get away for a couple of days at the start of March, be nice to have some time away together and be just us. Poor credit card's going to take a beating  xx


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## honkiepink

Good old credit card! That's what they are there for hehe. Have you tried Groupon? We get spa days or weekends away on Groupon. We went to the lake district last year and it was amazing.we stayed at the haweswater hotel and our room had a balcony that looked over the lake it was stunning.got a good deal to. Depends what your looking for but I would recommend 😀 
That's why I want a new job. Make some new friends who don't know what i have been through so will treat me normally!  Il just tell them we don't want children hopefully they will leave it at the lol xx


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## gabiladybird

Honkiepink, that sounds great! Getting on with your life, new job, holiday, anything to take your mind off things. I've been thinking about changing jobs for a long time but it's all been put on hold as we never know where we stand with the IVF. I'd love to get away and plan a holiday but we're up in the air at least until the next cycle. TBH, this silly ivf nonsense have bled us dry so any holiday we may have will be within 50 miles!   Enjoy HP world, sounds fun!
MrsSKB - hope you find somewhere nice to get away to, Bath is a lovely destination if a tad expensive. enjoy!


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## MrsSKB

So, I got an appointment through this morning from the clinic, I think it must be a debriefing.  What do they go through with you?  It's a 40 minute appointment - just wondering what would make it so long!

Still not managed to find anywhere to go for the two days - Bath is a bit too expensive and I think DH is taking me there for my birthday.  

I think DH is struggling, he doesn't seem his usual self and I don't know what to do .  Any ideas?

xx


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## gabiladybird

MrsSKB, it's difficult with DH, isn't it? Mine's really shut himself off this time, there was nothing I could say to him, it was very difficult. I tried to stay really positive and not dwell on what went wrong and he needed a good cry to get it out of his system. He's back on the positive now after our consultation and we are focusing on what to do next. 
We went to Stratford-upon-Avon around Christmas time, it was quite pretty but not really much to do for 2 days. Hm... thinking, thinking....  I hope your DH gets back to normal soon, lots of cuddles and loving


----------



## honkiepink

Mrsskb - groupon have an offer on for two nights in the peak districtfor just over £100. Just an idea .not sure about the appointment.mines on the 11th of march. I haven't had a letter or been given any idea of what they discuss.maybe they want to discussnext steps?xxx


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## MrsSKB

Boxercise, ladies, is the way to go! Went tonight with DH and it was amazing. The pads were people's faces who have annoyed me in the last week/month/year - if it was actually them, they would be quite injured  !  DH is quite scary with boxing gloves but I think it's done him the world of good.  Think I may be aching in the morning.
I think we're going to look at South Devon, not too far for us to travel but enough for us to feel we have got away from everything/one!


----------



## honkiepink

Oh fab mrsskb Devon is beautiful!  Yay for smashing peoples faces in lol. Yeah I bet it did you both the world of good,sometimes you need to find a way yo vent and I think you've found a fab way lol x x


----------



## SleepyT

Loving the idea of a breakaway girls, I've never been to Devon but I know it is beautiful - lovely idea.
If you like spa breaks there is a lovely hotel in Northampton near Silverstone that we loved  I may have a look at going back myself soon!

Boxercise sounds fab too - although a bit high energy for me. I'm a lazy ar5e really!  but what a good way to get rid of anger / aggression!

Gabi Ladybird, I struggled with DH too. It coincided with his workload increasing so he threw himself into that and he won a big job yesterday which has really lifted his spirits so I'm hoping we settle back to normal maybe this weekend. 

Speaking of which - what plans for Valentines ladies!!     Lololol xx


----------



## honkiepink

Ooooh that sounds great sleepyt I think I'm in need of a spa weekend 🙌  
How is everyone getting on?
I am back at work tomorrow after four weeks off.  I am dreading it. I hate working there and I can't wait for a new job.I should be finding out this week if I have got interviews or 2nd interviews and maybe even a new job!
I am praying for a new fresh start. 
I'm trying to focus on other things instead of our journey because it's so hard otherwise.  Our next appointment is the 11th of march. 
Has anyone else got appointment appointments in the pipeline or next steps or?? Xxx


----------



## SleepyT

I have GP appointment tonight - my plan is to ask for further tests even if I have to pay for them. I don't know the GP well at all so no idea how helpful she is going to be. I just hope something good comes from it.
Then my follow up consultation at the fertility unit is on 20th March where we'll hopefully find out more about the failed cycle.
This is all that's keeping me going- if I hit a brick wall on both I don't know what I'll do


----------



## MrsSKB

My clinic appointment is the 6th of March.  Not really sure what it will be for, I guess to go over what happened, even though we know what happened.
How was your first day back, ******?  Hope it wasn't too bad.
Good luck with the GP, Sleepy.
Even though we can't really afford it, I think we've decided to go to Bath for two days, quite excited!

Sending hugs to all   
xx


----------



## gabiladybird

That's great MrsSKB, good on you! Our life has been at a standstill for so long, we used to do so much and enjoy our lives and now everything is centred around the baby and my cycles. My OH is heading towards depression but wants to talk to no one. I need to know what will happen if the next cycle doesn't work as I need to think about DS. He doesn't want to adopt and the mood at home is unbearable sometimes when he gets himself into a miserable state. I know it's easy for me to talk as I have DS but I feel inadequate and rubbish for letting him down and I don't know what more I could do to make things work.
I don't want to rob him from having a family but he's like a dad to DS and I love him lots but sometimes I wish he just gave up on me and moved on.   sorry for the miserable post, I hope you ladies are well. x


----------



## MrsSKB

Oh gabiladybird, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time! Sending you such big hugs  .  And don't be apologising.
I'm guessing he doesn't even talk to you about it?  I think you need to make a bit of time for yourselves and try and have the 'chat'. He would probably be absolutely gutted if he you knew you felt you had let him down!
We're just letting our hair down now - I don't want everything to be focused on babies and IVF and the like.  So bugger it, credit cards are taking a battering. 
Once again big hugs to all.
xx


----------



## honkiepink

Mrsskb - yay bath sounds fab.a little get away treat will do you both some good 😀  I'm excited for you. 
Sleepyt - it's looking like March is a big month for all of us.how did the doctors appointment go?? 
Gabiladybird - don't apologise for miserable posts we are all here for you through the good and the bad. It must be hard for you as your fighting inner battles trying to stay positive but when your other half is not positive it's hard for us to put energy into helping them become more positive when we are trying so hard ourselves. Men are not very good at communicating their feelings like women are.my hubs won't adopt either.you haven't let him down  he loves you regardless, I think it shows you have a great man who is a fantastic role model for your son,a relationship grows stronger when you survive through the harder times unfortunately for us fertility issues are a massive test!! It speaks volumes about him that he brings up your son and wants a family with you.he's a good egg. You sound like a good couple Xxxx 

So my first day back was awful I almost handed in my notice, my manager is just so horrible she didn't even ask me how I was doing until  5 mins before I was leaving then started having a go at me about some supplier who hadn't been paid and that I need to look into it and we will discuss it in the morning!!  Oh yeah cheers.Iv been off for a month why didn't she just sort it out.Aaaaagggghhhh. I have a job interview on Friday so fingers crossed I can get it and start ASAP! 
I am in quite a good place at the moment me and the hubs have been getting on so well.I feel like the bfn was what we needed tbh as it feels like a weight has been lifted.I feel like I can focus on other things now as I can't do anything about trying again as I have to have two cycles before they can even put the frostie back. That's like two months for me to focus on finding a new job, studying for my exams and hopefully moving house.
Don't get me wrong I am craving a family and want one sooner rather than later but because I have pushed it to the back of my mind and found other things to focus on I feel like myself again rather than some crazy obsessed baby thinking machine lol. I think because hubs is seeing me positive and happy again it's rubbed off on him and we've started having fun again 😉 sex life is really good for the first time in over three years!!! Even though iv put on half a stone!!  Iv eaten and drank so much since bfn but I have started back on the healthy path.if I can't have a baby yet I might as well try and get a good body(that's the one thing I can control lol) 
Sorry for the off load but I find it helps getting it all out xxxx


----------



## gabiladybird

Thank you for the reassurance and the kind words ladies. OH seems to have cheered up a bit and he's out geocaching with DS and his dad (OH's dad, not DS's lol!) today, so hopefully he'll be in good spirits when I get home from work.
Honkiepink - I feel for you. I don't particularly enjoy my job, I've been in the same position for 7 years and they've literally told me that I won't be progressing because I may decide to have a child and what would happen to the business then?! I was gobsmacked and have been thinking of changing jobs for a while but with the baby stuff, it got pushed back but now I'm happy to start again and have started looking. Sod them! Chauvinist pigs! Good on you, fingers crossed it goes well on Friday! Sell yourself, make them believe you are the best person they could find for the job!  
MrsSKB - enjoy Bath and the spending, be a bit selfish for a change and put yourself first, you deserve it!
SleepyT - i hope it goes well at the GP and you can get lots of tests out of them.


----------



## SleepyT

Hi Ladies. Well I got nowhere with GP. I wasn't expecting an awful lot, but I guess I had hoped for some consolation of some sort. She just basically said NHS is not going to do any more for you, anything further will be self funded and her job is done. Which is fine, I do understand that, but some advice or guidance on what to do, how you go about it, or what not to do, just nothing from her. So cold.
So I'll do this on my own!! SHe is writing me a referral letter which I can pick up in two weeks time (don't rush love!) and I will start researching where to go with it. I have no idea but I'm sure I can find out in two weeks 
I'm wondering whether it's best to wait until after my follow up on 20th March or do it before that so they can tell me what they need to know from that meeting? 

Anyway enough about me. Gabi how is DH now? Is he still increasing in spirit? I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel. You most definitely should not feel you've let him down. It's just cruel that anybody should struggle so much with wanting children. I hate it.
****** - get outta there! Good luck Friday!!
Mrs S - have a ball in Bath!


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## honkiepink

Sleepyt - that sounds awful,she could of been a bit more sympathetic!!! stupid doctor!! I would find out as much as you can and then discuss anything youve found out on the 20th. You made me LOL with your 'Dont rush love' comment - so funny!!
Mrs S - How are you doing??
Gabiladybird - You should defo look for another job,fresh start for you, its so rude that they said that to you, its so unfair of them to expect you to put your career on hold when youve been with them for 7 years!! get out of there!! you are worth so much more it will be their loss!!

Well yesterday was just awful, my manager has been so off with me since going back on Monday!! She called me into the office yesterday and gave me a warning because I didnt reply to an email that a supplier had sent, the worst is the email came when it was trigger day so had a lot going on and was so super busy at work, when you are so busy sometimes you just dont get chance to reply, I was then off for four weeks, she was just trying to find something to have a go at me about. Well she shot herself in the foot because little did she know, when she sent me the request for the "meeting" I called the doctors and asked them for an extension on my sick note and told them I didnt feel ready to go back to work!! so when I got my warning from her, the doctor called back and told me that I could leave work straight away so I did just that, the grin was soon wiped off her face!! so I am now off and I have no intention of going back!!! The thought of going back stresses me out so much and I just cant deal with that on top of everything else im going through!! Fingers crossed for Friday!!!
sending everyone hugs xxx


----------



## Onmyown

Well I got my BFN last week on 11th. I had a couple of days off work to mope and deal with the period pains but I'm back at work now. Had a few days of positive thoughts.. Everything happens for a reason etc but now, today I came back to asking why. I have done all I want to do, DP is very career minded so has that to focus on, whereas all I want, all I've ever wanted is to be a mum. I don't have any major career plans, I've done numerous jobs and will do any job really, my main aim in life is to be a mum and I am so ready. DP was gutted with the BFN too and still wants to try again but we now don't have the money, not sure that we can do it on NHS after doing it privately, friends and family are asking what the future holds and making suggestions and all I want to do is try again right now because I haven't planned for anything else. I have just started a new job and it's fine, the boss is a friend of me and DP so has said I can go part time if we do ivf again and are successful, we have a great, understanding boss, supportive family and friends and it still didn't work. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement! I can't comprehend how when everything is so right that it can go wrong and fail just like that! Sorry for the essay ladies, I just need to get my rant out and though everyone around me has been supportive, nobody really knows how I feel..except people like you who are in the same boat as me. I'm trying to be positive but I just keep questioning it all and it's driving me crazy!


----------



## honkiepink

Oh randh you poor thing. I know exactly how you feel. I am the same although I have always tried to focus on my career I always knew I would give it up to be a mum and then my career would be to be with my children (best job ever!) so the fact that i have no tubes and I am relying on this working and it's completely out of my control is just so hard to deal with. I just crave everyday to be a mum and watch my belly grow.I see women with bumps and want to cry! I may never know what it feels like to carry a baby. It's just heartbreaking.  We all deal with things our own way.I know we can't do anything until may as I have to have two normal periods so I am just throwing myself into a new job and studying,what else can I do? 
It sounds great that you've started a new job and that you have an understanding boss that's one less thing to worry about you should be able to have a go on the NHS for free regardless of if you've already tried private. I would speak to your gp and get the ball rolling. What have you got to lose? You may be able to get a go for free and to me it's a no brainer lol. I didn't even realise that because we got a frostie that that would still be included In our first attempt so we are not paying anything which is a massive load off!! 
Where abouts in the country are you?
I know it's hard to stay positive but please try.I do believe that everything does happen for a reason (so cliché but true lol) I believe that our frostie isn't going to work that I'm going through this so I can donate my eggs.I need to help someone else fulfil their dream at the same time. I'm not sure what your beliefs are but would you see a tarot reader? I saw one and felt amazing after!! I swear she doesn't know me and was in a completely different area but she pulled out the baby card on me and told me to keep my mind open about adoption (not what you want to hear when going through IVF) she also said I would have a huge struggle but something would happen in September. Which would be the time I would start my private cycle and be donating eggs. So fingers crossed.  I know it's not for everyone and some people don't believe but I felt it helped me become more positive and helped me find my faith faith.
Hope that helps sending massive hugs.xxxxxx 
P.s alway always feel free to rant on here I do hehe xxxx


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## MrsSKB

Evening all - had to step away for a couple of days and didn't want to think about any of it!
A week until Bath and then on that Friday we have the appointment with the clinic.  Hopefully by the end of that we'll have a decent plan of action.
Randh - try to stay positive, easier said than done as I think we can all attest to.  And don't apologise for coming on here and ranting, it's what this page is for.  Ranting is a POSITIVE way of letting it out - do not bottle it  .
******, how'd the interview go?!?! I'm hoping it's good news for you  .
Gabi and Sleepy, you good?
 to all.
xx


----------



## Stargazer_07

Another BFN yesterday   Painful AF arrived today to rub it in. Sending   to everyone. 

Was really hoping this month would be the one as it was the first month the medication has worked. What makes it worse is my younger sister announced she is 5 weeks pregnant last week and said that they decided to try a month ago so must happened straight away   I am so happy for her but it resulted in a massive melt down I cried all night long. Its just so hard sometimes after 7 & half years of trying as I am sure alot of you know all to well.

I know I should be grateful as I am receiving help and I know there is alot people worst off. I guess I just need a few days. So sorry to all the BFN this month, hopefully one day soon we will all be joining the BFP club


----------



## Spring chicken

Hi ladies. ..well a bfn for me on 9dpt5dt (FET in Spain).

I feel gutted. I feel useless. I feel like a failure. 11 of 12 of the FET ladies in february (another thread) got a BFP, and one didn't....me. I am happy for those ladies. They deserve every happiness. I just wish I was one of those who hot a BFP.

I feel exhausted and like I am in a hole. I know it will pass, it always does after a negative test. But right now it sucks. I am mad at my body . Why couldn't it just work how it should?

Sorry ladies for being so negative. Just needed to get this out among people who can relate.


----------



## Dolphins

Hi all,

I got my recent BFN yesterday,   I would've so loved a a "very special 40th birthday present" (it's my 40th tomorrow on the 22nd Feb.), but sadly it wasn't to be.  

It's my 2nd BFN in 3 mths. now, and this was my 5th Cycle.  We have got the one child with our 3rd cycle of ICSI 2 yrs. ago now  (we found out that we were having him on Valentine's Day 2 yrs. ago), and now he is 18.5 mths. old (16 mths. corrected) as he was born 11 wks early, and experienced a very early miscarriage (biochemical pregnancy) during my 1st cycle, my 2nd cycle ended up being a negative.  However, I would so dearly love to experience a term pregnancy even though I love my son to bits.  We have just recently found out that he may have additional needs now, so at the moment it is all happening!  We also nearly lost him "twice", as he wasn't breathing when he was born, but they managed to resuscitate him, but we nearly lost him again on the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) when he stopped breathing.  He spent 9 wks overall on the Unit, and had to go home without him after we had him which was really quite sad, and empty.    However, we was still in shock!

Anyway!  We have got 1 frostie to use from this cycle, and then we may be looking at donor next, as I think this fresh cycle was our last fresh cycle using my own gametes.

Bye for now.

And I am so sorry that we are all on this thread.  Hugs to you all.     And "good luck" in the future.

Speak to you soon.

xxx


----------



## honkiepink

A big welcome to stargazer, spring chicken and dolphins. 
The bfn is truly heartbreaking big hugs to all of you.please feel free to off load at anytime as this is what we are here for. I have been drinking lots of red wine to get me through the last two weeks not sure I could of done it sober lol xx 
MrsSkb - yay not long to go until bath.bath bet you can't wait Xxx 
Interview went well thanks for asking I find out tomorrow if I get the job woop.
Dolphins - sounds like you've had a long rollercoaster of a journey. Hope your little boy is ok and your cherishing every second with him ♥ we have got one frostie to.do you know when you will be having a go with that? Xxx 
Spring chicken - please don't feel like a failure. I know it's so easy to say as I felt exactly the same your not though.it hurts like hell but it does get easier (until people put their foot in it lol) sending big hugs to you Xxx 
Stargazer - I hate it when people say that! Oh we've not been trying for long,didn't expect that to happen so quick.ggggrrr.yeah thanks for that.being your sister that must be very hard as so close to home.big hugs xxxx 
Randh - how you doing hun? Thinking of you xxxx 
Sleepyt - how are you xx 
Gabi - how's dh? Are you ok xxxx 
So a little update our next appointment is on the 11th of march and that's for us to sign forms for frostie to get the ball rolling. Est FET May I think.
My interview went well on friday I should hear back tomorrow and got another interview on Tuesday. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow to discuss additional help and support that they can apparently help with when dealing with stress of ivf.yeah sure il take any help that's going lol. I'm still ok about the bfn it's hard and I can't believe it didn't work but I'm trying not to think about it.I'm blocking it out and that's how I'm dealing with it.probably not the best way but it's kinda working.we are going to the inlaws for dinner one night in the week, they don't know about the bfn so they will be asking I'm sure! Great! I'm not going to tell anyone about frostie or next cycle as I felt I told people and instead of being supportive I feel like they tread on egg shells around me.I don't want that for round two so I won't be telling anyone! Can you believe the woman that interviewed me was 21 weeks pregnant and she asked if I had kids,I said no,she then started telling me about her wonderful pregnancy!  Great! I never said anything and I won't tell anyone at my new job but to start a new job and work with a pregnant women is exactly what I didn't want lol.oh well she won't be there for long as she will be on.maternity leave soon lol.some people just don't understand how lucky they are 😭 xxxx 
Hope everyone is ok xxxx


----------



## Dolphins

Hi all  

Well! We was meant to go out for the day on my 40th on Sunday, but because it was half term still, the place we was going to visit was 'sold out', and then the weather decided to throw it down with rain, then snow, and it was also quite windy too.  Therefore we couldn't think of anywhere else to go, so we went out for a meal in North Yorkshire instead.  However, instead of it being a relaxing meal, our 18 mth. old son decided to throw the BIGGEST tantrum ever! All throughout the meal, and you could see other diners turning around and shaking their heads, like we could do anything to control our son's behaviour!!!!!!! when we covered ALL the basics, fed him, changed  him etc.  What's most confusing is he is normally quite well behaved in public, not a crying baby at all, but "TODAY" of all days, he decided to get really UPSET.  It went on to the point where it was quite embarrasing  , and instead of a relaxing, enjoyable, birthday meal out has a family to help to celebrate my 40th birthday, it was rushed, and embarrasing instead!  

However, I had a creme brulee for dessert, and the staff kindly put a lit candle in it, which I kindly blew out & made a wish, (I WONDER what "I wished for" ladies!!!!!)  

Anyway! We then went back home, where I was yet to open my cards, and my fiance surprised me with some lovely presents!  He had already put a 40th birthday announcement in the local paper for me the day before, but on my birthday he give me a Radley bag, something that I have wanted for ages, accompanied with the matching purse, then I got a 'special engraved case' with a lovely pen inside, which said:  'To mummy, happy 40th birthday from your son Nathan.' xxx.  Then, I got some money, and he had already paid for my hair, nails and brows doing.  A necklace, again from my son, a commerative newspaper from 40 yrs ago, and a paper of the date 40 years later (now), and he paid for my "commitment ring" to be extended, as it no longer fits on my finger, but it is still too tight, which unfortunately I'll have to take back to the jewellers to get adjusted again.  He also surprised me with a cake, that he iced himself, and some 40th helium balloons, and some banners, which were a really lovely surprise, so all in all my fiance did me proud!     

Unfortunately, we were going to watch a movie in the evening in the comfort of our own home, but we were all asleep by 9 p.m. but not before enjoying a glass of bubbly.  Therefore we tried to have a good day, despite all considered!  

However! It soon got to the retest again yesterday (the day after), and I am sorry to say that it is still a   for us.     I am feeling really miserable, disheartened and down now, but "hay! Life goes on doesn't it!" 

Bye for now.

xxx


----------



## honkiepink

Hi Dolphins sounds like you have a crazy time with your meal but your fiance did you proud!! wish my hubs would pull out all the stops for me!! lol. I have to ask for flowers!! hahaha!!
Creme brulee is my actually fave!! I never have dessert but if there creme brulee its got to be done!!  
sorry to hear about your BFN are you ok?  
Well you will all be pleased to know I got the job!! I am now officially working for Rolls Royce!!! I am so happy!! I handed my notice in today and as the Doctors have written me off for the next two weeks I do not have to go back which is FAB!! My goal for he last three years has been to get a job at RR so the fact that I am there is great!! they say everything happens for a reason and maybe my BFN was because of the job. We also have a second viewing on our house on Friday so new job and new home maybe new........!!!! ok thats pushing it but two out of three aint bad right??!!


----------



## MrsSKB

Aw, ******, bloody well done you, so chuffed for you!!  Do you get a company car?    
Stargazer, Spring Chicken, Randh and Dolphins, so sorry for your BFNs - it's such a s**t feeling.  
Lots of love and hugs to everyone


----------



## honkiepink

Thank you mrsskb no company car!! What a shame lol. How you doing xx


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## gabiladybird

Well done Honkiepink, onwards and upwards! Keep building that life you will find that missing piece soon!


----------



## honkiepink

Thanks Gabi. How are you hun xx


----------



## SleepyT

Hi Ladies. I'm back - went missing off here for a bit. I wasn't sure it was doing me any good.
To come back on and read more sadness from RandH, Stargazer, Spring Chick and Dolphins is heartbreaking. All of your posts strike cords with how I'm feeling.
I have good days and bad. And on the good days I can have moments. I had a pretty sh1tty day at a charity event two Sundays ago with children and babies everywhere, which was fine while my friends etc were around me. But they started to leave and suddenly I was waiting for DH and found myself wanting to burst into tears - and did.
My ******** feed seems to be one pg announcement after another right now. I don't begrudge absolutely anyone. It's not personal.
I'm just so in limbo. After BFN I focused on TTC naturally, bought the Ov prediction kit, and even fertility lube! Got to smiley flashing face and we got down to it that night. The day I got solid smiley (peak day) me and DH had a big fall out and I was so angry with him and also crushed because I felt we'd blown our biggest chance. 
I now seem to already have given up, even though me and DH fine again, I feel like he's so moved on, and I'm still dreading the year ahead because in my head I was definitely going to be pg.
I'm uninspired. I don't know whether assisted conception is going to help me as I feel like my problem remains untapped. It isn't the eggs, it isn't the sperm, it isn't anything, they tell me I'm great!. I genuinely think I can't hold onto them. How do we fix that? We can't!
Sorry for the negativity but it's good to offload and thank you for getting this far reading!! xxx


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## gabiladybird

Oh SleepyT, I know how you feel, it's like reading about myself. I feel every word you've put down, from the fall-out on OV day (oh yeah) till the 'what is wrong with me?'. And of course that everyone is getting pregnant just at the click of the finger. Read so many books, I was so inspired for a few days/weeks and them, thump, hit the floor of reality. Every single month when AF shows up I'd have a little cry and I turn away from the world for a bit. I don't know what to say, there are only so many encouraging words you want to hear when you know the reality is not that easy. But be strong and don't give up hope. Keep using the OV sticks, temperature, vitamins, whatever it takes, you can only give it your best shot. Stay positive and try to enjoy life a bit. We've all had our lives on hold for so long, we're missing out on all the fun while pursuing a dream. I hope it becomes a reality for you! 

Honkieping - i'm well thanks, I'm on D4 of my cycle and have started bloods and scans but no drugs yet. Maybe from tomorrow, we'll see. I'm trying to grow those follies but guzzling gallons of milk. 

Hello everyone else. x


----------



## Busy B

I poas'ed this morning.  bfn.  Emailed the clinic and they told me to do a beta hcg test - so spent half the morning trying to find someone to do it for me.  Results tomorrow morning, but not holding my breath at all.  Am devastated. My dh said to me that this was our last chance, but I'm not done - which I'm trying not to think about - but we need to move on, and I want to try again this summer.


----------



## honkiepink

Busy B - Did you get your results? 
Gabi - hows the milk drinking going?hehe. 
Sleept - how you feeling hun? I know what you mean by everything you said and I feel the same I swear!! I came off ******** as I just could not handle peoples announcements,pictures or status updates anymore they just sent me over the edge! 
Mrsskb - How you doing??  xx
Randh - You ok hun not heard from you  xx
Dolphins,stargazer and spring chicken - How are you all doing? 

AFM - I am doing ok. Shutting myself off from the world and trying my best to stay positive. I have bought a new book - Terita Albertyn 'So Close' - Its about a woman's difficult journey through fertility treatment, I have only read a quarter of it but its very good and so easy to relate to!! I recommend it.
Apart from that we have had a second viewing on our house and should hear in the next couple of days if they are putting in an offer, due to this I booked a viewing on the house we want to buy and we viewed it today - big mistake!! - we both love it and want it, the house number is number 11 which is my favorite number!!! maybe its a sign??!! trying not to get my hopes up but it seems like every part of my life that I want is on hold or in someone elses hands??!!! so hard


----------



## Busy B

Morning
It was still negative.  

DH doesn't want to do another cycle; I want to continue.  I don't want to hit 70 and regret not having another go at egg donation.  Trying not to think about it - I am so hurting inside, as I don't know what this means for dh and me - do we divorce?  will he come around?  and have to put on a mask, especially at work.

Dh and I are going to talk this weekend about things - we are talking to our clinic next week.  

God, this fertility business is so so hard.
xxxx


----------



## honkiepink

Oh busy bee.Sending big hugs to you at such a hard time. 
Is there a reason why DH doesn't want to have another go? It's so hard to put on a brave face isn't it? Just remember you don't have to with us.I know that probably doesn't help but we are here to support you 😘  
Maybe once you have spoken with the clinic DH may consider another go.just explain you really want this maybe one more try and if it doesn't work you will consider other options? Surrogacy, adoption or fostering?  
I am struggling a little to.I started my new job yesterday it's brilliant but my manager is pregnant. Whilst she is sat with me training me she's sat there rubbing her belly, talking about the bsby things she has bought etc so hard.everyone in my team has kids so all they talk about is ttheir kids! I haven't said anything about my situation and I'm not going to.I'm just smiling through it. It's amazing how a smile can hide all the hurt inside.people don't have a clue! 
We also have our appointment next week (Wednesday)  not sure what they will say.seems like ages since we got our bfn but it's only been a month!! Feels like a year!! 
I found that book I mentioned really helpful. Maybe order it? She hid a lot of her pain from her partner as she feared he would tell her no more. I still haven't had AF since I started before my OTD which was the 31st of Jan.I was due yyesterday. Is this common? Anyone else experience a long delay?  Xx


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## MrsSKB

Hey all, 
Sorry not been on for a bit - we had our little break away and it was lovely - just what we needed!  The Spa was amazing.

We had our appointment today - it was to go through what happened with they cycle but we didn't find out anything new.  They think a second go could work - but as we all know, nothing is guaranteed! I have managed to get them to refer me for an x-ray/ultrasound of my tubes to make sure they're okay as as soon as they realised DH had low sperm count they didn't really test me for anything.
It was a new consultant and to be fair we weren't overly keen on her but she has kind of listened so ...

Hugs to everyone - sorry Busy B that things are so hard.
****** - glad you're enjoying the job but bit of a bummer about the manager being pregnant - these things are really sent to try us. 

Love to all
xx


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## RUBY123

Hi all, 
I like to share my story here, I'm not feeling goog physically and mentality side , I'm in the recovery from D&C , after ten years of marriage and ten Ivfs I got pregnant naturally , I missed my period for two months , never thought I was pregnant when finally gave up and took hpt , saw those two lines I was over the moon went for a scan and I was diagnosed with blighted ovum no heart beat , I think this harder than all the failed cycles , I just can't understand why this is happening to me , I feel I'm in a dark place , before all of this I was preparing myself for FET .sorry for the this depressing post


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## honkiepink

Oh ruby that must be so hard but I suppose at least you know you can get pregnant naturally.  Try and use this experience as a positive thing as you could maybe try and get caught without having to pay anything I know that doesn't help right now or help the pain. I didn't find your post depressing at all if your not happy or have things you want to say then you can always come on here and off load.we are all here to offer support 😊 xxx
Mrsskb - I am so happy to hear your little get away was good for you 😀  yay. Yeah I know what you mean nothing is guaranteed to be have to give it a go don't we? The noobook I mentioned says addicted to hope and I believe that is true! I am addicted to hope. Definitely a test with my manager being pregnant!  BBut the job is fab so worth i. 
Hope everyone is ok xxxxx


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## susie1

Hi all
I had a Bfn in early feb. I have the follow up appointment on Tuesday.Are there any useful questions i should ask about why the icsi cycle didn't work?
Thanks


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## honkiepink

Hi susi, I don't know much about icsi cycles but maybe just ask what the next steps are?what they have learnt about your last cycle? Not sure if they are relevant but those are things I want to know about mine xx


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## susie1

Thanks honkiepink. I always worry about consults.x


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## MrsSKB

Hi Susie, how'd it go today? I hate going to consults as always feel there should be loads of things I'm asking but I don't have a clue!  

Ruby, how are you?  Echoing ****** here, do not apologise if you need to rant and rave on this page - it's what we're here for.  Sending you hugs!

******, how's it going?  May have to give this book a read.  

Bit of news my side, I have in a way become a 'mummy'!  We got a beautiful litttle 18w puppy last night and she is just settling in.  I feel so 'growed' up .

Love to all xx


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## honkiepink

Mrsskb - YAY A PUPPY!!! so cute I love puppies!! you defiantly have just become a mummy  I love my dog so much and I feel like I am her mummy I spoil her so much and we sit on the sofa snuggling everyday  just what you need and great for exercise!! I love just walking the dog I find it helps me relax. Congratulations!!! What breed is she/he?
AFM - had my Appointment today. suppose its good news. We should be having our frostie put back in April. Whn I start my next cycle I will start Estrogen tablets which I have to take three times a day then the good old pessaries twice a day but two at a time! fun times! If our frostie doesn't stick we will be paying for our next cycle, not really sure how we are going to afford that as we sold our house today and have put in an offer on our dream house!! the mortgage has more than doubled though!!! well if I cant have a baby then I will have a nice house!! I have an exam next week which I am not ready for at all but keep trying to revise but have lost my motivation for it!! got so much going on at the moment feel like my head is so full there's no room for anything else!!on top of all that I am learning how to do my new job, its going well which is good.
I know exactly what you mean about questions in appointments, Dr J was like is there anything you want to ask me and we were like erm......... no nothing thank you lol. as soon as we get out we are like asking each other things and neither of us have the answer lol.
Hope everyone else is ok. Havent heard from a few of you xxx


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## SleepyT

Hi Girls. I've been missing off here again. I haven't logged on a lot, I've been working up to my review consultation on 20th March, looking at a weekend away for me and hubby that weekend to make something of it and something to look forward to.
AF was due at the weekend, period pains coming and going which was weird. Didn't think anything of it because as per earlier post, there was no chance of anything, the good old TTC naturally didn't quite go to plan.
I can't even believe I'm typing it but I got a BFP the last two mornings. It's utterly shocking and both me and DH are stunned. We are not getting excited because it's extremely early days and we've no idea how it will go but for now, it's our first ever natural BFP and we are just grateful for showing us it can happen.
I hope this doesn't bring anybody on here down - I know it would kind of upset me. This aint the thread for BFPs. But I didn't want to just walk away from our lovely thread. Hope it's ok xx


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## MrsSKB

SLEEPY!!!! Thats bloody amazing! Lots of love and positive thoughts coming your way. Look after yourself and keep us updated xx
******, she's a Patterdoodle. Crazy, mental, naughty but so bloody cute!! Toilet training is interesting. I love cuddles with her.
April will be a great month   and do not panic about your exam, it's all in there and you will do wonderfully.
Love to all xx


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## honkiepink

Oh wow sleepy thats fab news well done you!! I bet you were and still are so shocked!! Its great hearing someones fab news but still hurts a bit   but I am so happy for you  you sooooooooo deserve it. Congratulations xxxx
MrsSKB - yay patterdoodle i have never heard of one of those but it sounds wonderful. What have you named him/her? Iv got coco sat next to me chewing a pigs ear lol. Thank you for your kind words - I am so still not ready for this exam, im sat here trying to study but its just not going in!!!
AFM - So we have sold our house and had our offer accepted on the house of our dreams!! mortgage will be huge tho!! which is slightly worrying!!! but tbh I am sick of planning y whole life around kids!! I have spent the last four years doing it and im still in the same postion as I am now so we are just going to go for it. Had our appointment on the 11th it was ok they say that I will be having frostie in next month!!! I thought it would be may but apparently not. New job,new house and a baby (mum says well things do come in threes) for me to good to be true, you cant have it all!! 
I have got to start taking estrogen tablets on the first day of my next cycle then have frostie put back in then two pessaries a day but two tablets at a time. Im just going with the flow and not getting my hopes up. Im trying to focus on my exams but tbh im struggling as I have so much going on at the moment that I just cant think about exams. 
How are you MrsSKB ?
No heard from anyone else, really hope everyone is ok, please feel free to post please dont feel your to negative etc we are all going through and experiencing the same feelings, its good to share  xxxxx


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## Dolphins

Hi ladies  

I haven't been on here for a while, but just to report that we have got our follow-up appt. tomorrow afternoon, but I don't know if I am emotionally ready for it at the moment.  I can't help wondering that it is too soon.  I haven't even got any questions prepared yet.  What do you ladies think?

I know that after our next cycle which is going to be a FET, we will probably go on to DE, as I don't think that we can invest anymore in using my own eggs.  Our fertility rate was our lowest in our last cycle also, so overall, we think that it all point's to donor.

However, we can't even contemplate doing another cycle yet, as it just take's too much out of you.

I hope all of you ladies are alright.   

xx


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## Busy B

Thank you for your posts - sorry for late reply - work has taken over - they posted my job, without me knowing about it!  So I was thinking of taking stress leave - but then I would only think about me and hubby's situation - so going to work means that I don't think about us all the time.

Had the phone call from Spain.  They think it is DH's sperm - which will make it more difficult to get him to say yes - as it really hits his manhood - pun intended.  I'm trying not to push on ahead - and plan.. and trying to find a good counsellor near Reading is well nigh impossible.

At least my mum is coming down to spend time over Easter with us - which will be good.

xxx


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