# Struggling



## cheekypants (Sep 13, 2008)

hello,
Bit of background.....
I am 38, low AMH, MF infertility due to failed VR, 2 straws of frozen sperm stored.
We have been through 4 rounds of self funded ICSI of which on the last we struck gold with our only embryo, 2dt perfect 5 cell which turned into our beautiful daughter.... Who I am thankful for every single day of life.
We would love to give her a sibling as her half siblings are late 20's early 30's and she just loves other kids and her cousins.
I won't lie, infertility very nearly sent me over the edge and has changed me forever and not in a good way. I have also recently been made redundant so there is the cash flow issue too. I am fearful for my mental health were this to fail and I don't want to put my dd or dh through the stress.
I don't respond well to stims and only produced 2 eggs on my last cycle of which only 1 fertilised.
What should I do ? 
All of the above sounds really negative    .... I am just fearful of putting my own needs for another child above the needs of dd and dh for a happy, stress free life which we currently have. Is there such a thing as 'pushing your luck' ?
But those 2 little straws sitting in deep freeze seem like such a promise for a brother or sister for my beautiful dd. 
stick or twist ?   
Help !,,
Thanks cp


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi cheekypants,

I can imagine what a difficult decision it is, and although my path to motherhood took a different direction to yours, I know first hand about the weighing up of whether or not to try for a sibling, and all the worry regarding the welfare of your first child 
I don't think there's any easy answer and yes there is certainly a lot to consider  
All I can say (based on my own experience) was that although we knew there were a lot of possible negatives and positives to consider, we just had to balance up what we felt was in the best interest of us all (taking into consideration every angle including practicalities, possible negative impact, alongside all the positive points).
In the end it also came down to gut instinct and going with our hearts as well as our heads.

I'm sure someone will be along whose path has taken the same route as yours and therefore will hopefully be able to offer more specific advice and share their thoughts 

Anj x x


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## Wishingbutsad (Jun 8, 2011)

I really feel for you as am in a not dissimilar situation. The way I am looking at things is I can't live with any regrets. If I don't take the chance I've got I think I'll always regret it and wonder what could have been. If I try and it's not successful as hard as that will be at least I'll know I tried all I could and may be sad there was isn't another miracle bit at least I won't have regrets and what ifs.


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## cheekypants (Sep 13, 2008)

Thanks for taking the time to read and give advice, it means a lot.
I think I am going to go for it, 2 frozen straws = 2 rounds...... After that I am done.
Whatever happens I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my family.
 
CP


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

Can I ask could you try naturally for a little while as I hear that after having a baby you are more fertile? X


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## cheekypants (Sep 13, 2008)

Hello
Thanks for the lovely ladies who took time to read and reply to my thread.
I just wanted to update with what I chose to do.


So, I started stims with a view to doing 2 cycles of ICSI .... I was put on the short protocol with 375IU of menopur and on my day 5 scan it was found I only had 1 follicle so it's game over for us   


I'm taking it quite bad as I feel cheated we never even got off the starting block, just feel bad I can't give my lovely daughter the sister she always talks about   


I hope all you lovely ladies have your dreams come true and get your much longed for child.


CP


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

hello cheeky

i felt the need to reply as i feel your pain. I too have not coped with the treatment very well mentally and am a very different person than i was 8 years ago when this all started. I always feel weak as some people do more cycles and i also feel weak compared to those that give up sooner and move on with their lives as they are very strong. 

I assume you want a new baby for yourself too and  not just a sibling. If it is just for a sibling i just wanted to tell you my experience. Me and my sister are not close, we have never really got on. We were both conceived naturally and bought up in a nice family with no problems. But we are so different and just don't see eye to eye on anything. We don't talk unless its at my parents house. We are friendly when we do see each and have a good catch up but we have no interest in seeing each other more than maybe once or twice a year. She has also shown little interest in my daughter and has no children herself. were both normal people and haven't had any major trauma to make us this way. So a sibling doesn't guarantee a friend for your first child. I really worried about this before trying for number 2 and decided i wanted 4 children in the hope that each one would get on with at least one other (as is the situation with my mum who has 4 siblings and they each have their favourite sibling they stay in touch with). That was before number 2 proved elusive. 2 years and over 20 tries with IVF and DSIUI we moved to DE and im now 11 weeks pregnant. Its been so hard to give up on my oe and maybe if i had been braver i would have stopped altogether. 

I really wish you the best for your life ahead. There are so many positives to having one child but i know that urge for another baby is so strong its breath taking and overwhelming and all consuming. x


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

CP - sorry that your cycle didn't get further along. It's so hard when cycles get cancelled & very easy to feel guilty that you did something wrong - at least that's my experience.
If you want to try again would your clinic not suggest a revised protocol? My first IVF cycle in quest for a sibling only gave us 1 follicle but my clinic adjusted things and whilst I didn't produce huge numbers I managed to get enough eggs in subsequent cycles to go to blastocyst and have small choice of embryo. I was on 450mg menopur. It might be you'd respond better to gonal f? Or long protocol?

Right now you need time to be angry & sad but this doesn't have to be the end. You could switch clinic if yours doesn't come up with a revised plan which gives you renewed hope.

Hugs & positive thoughts coming your way x


PS. A daughter craving a sibling was probably the thing that made me feel the lowest each time a cycle failed. It was even what she asked Santa for when we went to see him aged 5. We'd been trying for sibling from about 9 months after her birth so desperately wanted another baby too. But it was fact I couldn't give her something that every other mum we met was able to that cut deep.
From my signature you'll see that finally after 7 years of being back having tx we've made it. It's been a much harder journey than I'd expected but now we're here I'm so glad I kept fighting.


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## cheekypants (Sep 13, 2008)

Hello KLconfused and fififi   
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to reply.
Yes KL... I really really want another baby not just a sibling for my daughter.... I have learned to deal with my 'wanting' and my girl is so sociable and would love a sibling so when she asks 'where is my baby sister ?' I find myself getting that completely helpless/hopeless feeling I had before during the failed previous cycles.


Fififi, I have been on all of the protocols, long, short, flare and have tried gonal f..... Nothing seems to stimulate my stubborn reproductive system. I still have a cycle like clockwork and an af I can't set my watch by but no sperm means no chance.


Maybe I just pushed my luck too much getting my daughter and I have a very lucky and happy existence out with reproduction..... But I feel like someone is missing, I can't explain it    


It's a very complicated situation women find themselves in when undergoing fertility treatment both mentally and physically, others don't really understand unless they have travelled the long road.


Cp x


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

CP - that sense of something missing is totally understandable. I actually found my infertility harder to deal with after having been given my first DD. I'd been allowed into mummy land at last but once in I quickly discovered that regular contact with people who blinked & got pg was now part of my every social moment.

Wish someone on here had magic wand to help. Having tried so many protocols it's no wonder you're feeling despondent. Perhaps a consultation at a different clinic might bring up new angle and/or a renewed sense of hope for you both?

Sorry to see you in such pain. Truly hope that you find happiness soon


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## Cheesy (Jul 4, 2012)

Cheeky pants I reckognise a lot of what you are feeling and writing very well indeed includind poor response to stims etc. we were doing out tx abroad anyway with a clinic with a strong donor cycle so that was my final move with our final straw to know I'd tried it all. Donor is cheaper abroad. I know it is a big leap to decide to give up on OE. I only post in case it is an option you might consider if only to rule out. Sending loads of love, it's so hard deciding what to do and finding acceptance and peace. xxx


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