# The loneliness of long term TTC



## deedee_spark

Do any of you who have long term infertility feel really lonely? Everyone I know has children or is pregnant. My brother, who I adore, has just announced  his wife is expecting a baby. Although I am really pleased for them and I am happy to have another niece/nephew, I do feel out of sorts since their announcement and I don't want to see them (not because of jealousy more because of my pain).  I don't like feeling that way. My husband is great and is so obliging with his support. I experience no moaning about alcohol avoidance from him, and he happily drinks those green veggie juices I put in front of him.  
I find it difficult to see my few local friends as they are so wrapped up in their children and I am finding it really difficult to meet people who aren't obsessed with their children (being naturally shy). I disabled my ******** account as it seems to remind me of my failures.  I have been TTC for 2.5 years and feel like my entire life is on hold. I am 38 and I never ever planned to reach 38 without children. I would have had children at 25 but life didn't work out like that for me. I had no boyfriend and various traumas to deal with over a number of years, and it took a while to recover. 
I am so scared I will never have children that I am not sleeping that well. When family is the one thing you have always wanted but has always been out of reach, how do you survive if it doesn't happen? BTW, I would happy adopt but because of past trauma's, I doubt I would be considered the best candidate. I don't have criminal records, drugs/alcohol abuse in my past. I just come from a very dysfunctional family and have been on anti-depressants a number of times. FYI. You have to have family/friend support when you adopt.
Part of me wishes there was some kind of local TTC club, where we met up and talked about anything but our infertility struggles. You know, like when we used to talk about boys, music, cinema, brad pitt. 
How do the rest of you cope/survive? Do you sleep? Do you panic? 

My diagnosis: I have hashimoto thyroid disease. Diagnosed in February after we got a second opinion. Thyroid TSH is still a little all over the place. We are taking more control now and paying for blood tests ourselves every few months rather than wait the 6 months for the NHS. Dose can be adjusted. Last test in July I had THS 2.94. Increased medication should have bought that figure down again (hopefully between 1-2). I also have a very small fibroid (5mm) although 4 doctor have said it shouldn't cause an issue. So my current diagnosis is unexplained and I should try IVF. 
I am scared of IVF. I felt completely insane on Clomid.  
How do you cope? Particularly those of you who are a bit older (who get the constant 'age' factor thrown at you).

Sorry for the moan.  

Denise (in the 2 week wait)


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## CrazyHorse

I'm 40 and married for 8 years, actively TTC for half of that, so I understand your pain and frustration. DH and I feel, for various reasons, that adoption is not the way forward for us either. It's a little easier for me insofar as I was never that bothered about having kids until I got married and felt like I could handle motherhood, and I also have friends who do not have children (most by choice), but long-term TTC is tough.

Regarding the drug side effects: I have seen a lot of women say they have fewer side effects from injectable stims than from Clomid. I've never used Clomid and so can't compare, but I've personally had no problems with the Gonal-F injectable stims. I *have* had big issues with using buserelin to down-reg this cycle (doing long protocol this time, due to problems with dominant follicles on short protocol), but am feeling quite a bit better now after several days of stims bringing my estrogen levels back up. Doing the subcutaneous injections is really and truly no big deal.

Have you had your AMH and CD3 FSH measured? If not, it's worth getting that done privately to give you an idea of your ovarian reserve. If your numbers are good, then it may be worth getting yourself on the NHS waiting list for treatment; but if your numbers are not good, you may want to consider going private straight away so that you give yourself the best chance of getting some viable eggs retrieved on IVF.

Wishing you all the best. xx


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## deedee_spark

Thank you for responding CrazyHorse. My AHM was 14 in Feb. FSH has been tested a few times and seems to change. I don't think it has gone above 9 (and I am not sure it reached 9, but I guess not a great result). The doctor said this was ok for my age. I am never sure of what to believe especially when I turn to Dr Google.  Real Doctor said my thyroid antibodies wouldn't go down but I changed my diet and they did.   Although don't think AMH can change.

Clomid was very bad for me physically (breasts were painful for 2 weeks plus mentally I felt crazy). I also ended up in A&E after having the dye test on my fallopian tubes (allergic reaction to the dye). 
I live in Berkshire and our health authority meanly discriminate against women above 35 - no IVF for us.   At the moment I am following the instructions a book called Making Babies, plus doing some hypnosis. So scared of IVF I will try everything first - lol.  TBH, the diet seems to have made my periods really regular and non-clotty. I have to learn to see this as a good thing.

Best of luck with your cycle. I hope you get a positive result. 

xx


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## CrazyHorse

Thanks for the good wishes, Denise! Myself, I'd kill for an AMH over 10 and an FSH under 10. For comparison, my AMH at last check was 1.8, and my highest recorded FSH is 14. Your numbers are quite good for a 38 y.o.! You are probably a better candidate for IVF than many 35 y.o. ladies with diminished ovarian reserve.

If you do go for private ART at some point, do consider moving straight to IVF instead of messing about with IUI first. There's quite a bit of evidence at this point to show more pregnancies per amount of money spent for IVF versus IUI, in spite of each IUI cycle being so much cheaper. (That said, IUI can be a good option if you cancel an IVF cycle due to having 3 or fewer mature follicles.)

Given your thyroid issues and good ovarian reserve, though, another 6 months TTC naturally makes a lot of sense! Fingers crossed!


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## Sheilaweb

I started trying for the first of my '3 babies' when i got married at 24.  It didn't happen for 8 long painful years.  By which time i had had a breakdown due to sudden bereavement and was on anti depressants when i got my one and only bfp.  I immediately stopped my medication against my gps wishes but heartbreakingly the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  It would have been easy for me to hit the pill bottle. But i had a renewed hope that I MIGHT become a Mother.  Friends had come and gone over the years - all busy with their own families - even those who weren't in steady relationships and had 'whoops babies'!!!

I eventually went through ICSI at 39, can't say the process was a walk in the park....and distraught that we only managed 1 embryo.  My friends in the meantime were becoming Nanna's - but my longed for daughter was very gratefully placed in my arms 10 days shy of 40th - 15 years in the planning and I have to say she is my life - I might have a smaller than anticipated family but I will never ever forget the journey and pain of being childless.  

Hugs
Sheila


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## deedee_spark

Sheila - I so very pleased that you got your little girl. What a tough journey you had. Thank you for giving me renewed hope. I spent most of this weekend wallowing and both you and CrazyHorse have cheered me up. 

CrazyHorse - thank you for your kindness. To me these are just figures by doctors who drum stats into us! I have met and heard of many people who have conceived with high FSH being their only issue. A number of them happened the month after IVF cycle, others through IVF, others without assistance when they stopped trying. Although I really hope you get a positive result this month. 


x


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## Guest

Hi Denise, I understand how you're feeling too   I'm 40 in a few days and still have no children, just 3 miscarriages so far! I've had lots of life ups & downs and past relationships where having a family wasn't possible. I've been feeling really isolated, lonely and drained after 2 miscarriages this year. But I am trying to get some energy back & recover. I'm starting a new big course next month which I hope will help my future work etc. My DH has been a lovely support but like you say most people of the same age already have kids, so it's hard not to feel out of it sometimes. I feel I've lost a lot of friends over the years, not all my fault.

I think it's important to find a sense of purpose & meaningfulness in life beyond (hopefully before long including) children and find enjoyable things to do in the meantime. I'd be interested to hear about any groups as well. Sorry if I haven't provided much solution or inspiration, but I can relate to what you've written. Good luck with your investigations and treatments. When I had IVF this year for the first time (mainly due to DH issues but also my progressing age) it worked straight away, I just unfortunately had a MC so being prepared for that possibility is the hardest. It can and does work, as others here have shown  I've got a frozen embryo waiting but can't have it til next year now as I got pregnant by surprise this summer, so my clinic said I don't fit the infertility criteria the NHS apparently demand for treatment. Some of us have to wait longer than others or go through more in life, but keep going and have faith in yourself. PM me if you'd like to keep in touch xxx


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## Guest

P.s. I just thought, you could maybe do some kind of voluntary work or something involving children to perhaps obtain references that way for adoption? I've heard lots of people worrying about antidepressants & past etc but it seems the important thing is showing how you've moved on and dealt with things/where you are now. I'm sure lots of us have things to overcome & dysfunctional families, I've worried about those things too. Maybe contact with your brothers child will help too? I have a niece from my brother and Id ask him for a reference if we need to. I'm still in an inbetween stage myself! Good luck anyway   xx


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## Molly99

Hi everyone, it is a very lonely journey that we're all on.  I suppose that's why we reach out in places such as these  

I've been with my DH for 5 years and TTC in some way for pretty much all of it I feel.  I turned 40 on the day before our first egg collection and have had one early miscarriage and 2 failures since then.  I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a baby now, truly the hardest thing that I've ever had to do.

Adoption is the only hope that gets me through most days but I know that it is something that my DH won't be able to see through.  He struggled with the impact of a 2 week mild ICSI and I just don't think that he will want to do it.  I have to hope though because that's all I have left.  I just have to prove to him that we (aka me   ) are stable before he will think about it.

I worry about dysfunctional families too.  I think that my DH's mother will try to block our adoption if DH agrees to go ahead.  She didn't approve of me wanting a biological child because it will affect my DH's children (who I love to bits and whom we provide an amazing home for) never mind adopting.  My sister and her wife adopted my beautiful niece though and my SIL has an extremely difficult family.  I think that there must be positive ways of getting around these things (I hope!).

Your AMH is fantastic    I know that doesn't help whatsoever when you can't conceive but your result is really good x


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## deedee_spark

Thank you for your kindness everyone. I wish I joined this forum a year ago. Knowing I am not alone has eased my fears.

Merlin - Your ideas are very good. Particularly the adoption one. I might see if they need any volunteers. If I can build up a support network, they might ignore my family drama! Your words of kindness have given me hope. I think I do need to find a sense of meaning in my life. I lost my job a few years ago and have been writing a book since. Unfortunately, I am not getting far as I am a women obsessed with babies. LOL. I feel a bit more like I can write today. Thank you, thank you. Happy Birthday! 


Molly - I understand how you feel about your DH's mother. We think my father may try to block the adoption since he thinks I am autistic. I'm not - my first marriage was abusive - basically, I repeated history and married an abusive character. This is why I think I won't be able to adopt. I too have a step-son. I am very lucky, he is just like his father. I think my DH having a child makes me feel alone. I saw your other post. Stress can really impact your cycles. If your IVF was unsuccessful, I am guessing you were all over the place emotionally? Vitex screws with my cycles - makes me bleed mid-cycle so maybe it is that? I stopped vitex and only use maca now. It seems to have regulated my body. Maybe look at maca instead? 

Bigs hugs. xx


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## Denise75

Hi everyone I just wanted to say to you all never give up hope and hope my post brings you some encouragement ....  I was diagnosed with low amh and higher than normal fsh .... I have had five rounds of ivf, 4 miscarriages and 1 ovarian ectopic pregnancy and in dec 2012 I conceived naturally after my last miscarriage !! We now have a healthy daughter who will be one in a few weeks time.  Yes the ivf journey can be so lonely and isolating especially when everyone around you is getting pregnant but try and stay positive through the dark days.  Oh yes by the way I'm also 40 next year so no spring chicken !! never give up hope guys and good luck to you all xx


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## Guest

Denise thank you for posting that!   It does give hope and it's a relief to hear that even going through a lot of apparent failures it's still possible to have a wonderful outcome at the end   It's so important to remember that sometimes. I feel that there is still hope, I'm just so tired & drained after this year's losses, just need to get my energy back. Deedee sorry for hijacking your thread  

Thanks again Denise and all the best with your gorgeous LO! xxx


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## 3062melissa

Hi ladies I'm 39 hubby 44 and have a 20 year old who was born premature. We suffered a 16 week mc when she was 7 and have tried since then suffering 4 more mc and a chemical. I did go to uni for a while too. I've since been diagnosed with high nk cells and have a missing receptor so am on immune drugs. My amh is 1.22. It can take us 18 months to conceive. My consultant has now recommended ivf with Icsi as next step based on my age etc though he said we could try Icsi on it's own or Ici but I just want to know which would give the best chance? Don't really want to spend money and then end up trying ivf anyway. I'm a teacher too and my colleagues are on baby 3 since i started there  it's v hard and isolating. It's hard to keep going esp when people don't understand and wonder when you're going to give up but there's so many positive stories you have to find the strength from somewhere


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## Guest

Hi Melissa, Im really sorry to hear about your MC's   Are you eligible for free ivf? I had mine free via the nhs this year before I was 40, but lost the baby at 12 weeks due to chromosome abnormality. I've got 1 frozen embryo I can have next year. If I was to pay for icsi I'd now consider genetic testing of the embryo before it was transferred. However the treatment did work first time so we were lucky at first! It's all a bit of a lottery! But anything that helps your odds is worth thinking about   And yes there are lots of happy ending stories here in this forum! Good luck and all the best xx


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## 3062melissa

Hi  merlin no can't get free ivf as we have Lucie and there's no funding for anyone anyway which is sad. 
Good luck to you thanks


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