# A Miraculous Life



## At last! (Mar 14, 2007)

Hello,

It’s been ages since I’ve posted on FF, mainly because I was trying to get on with things, and forget about IF.

Our journey so far has involved one failed IVF and one failed ICSI. I fell pregnant with twins naturally a few months after our failed ICSI, which was a surprise considering our IF was down to MF (low motility). Unfortunately our twins’ heartbeats stopped at 8 weeks, and I had an ERPC shortly afterwards.

That all happened a couple of years ago, and we (DH and I) got to a point in our lives where a choice had to be made: Carry on trying; Adopt; or decide on a life without children. I’m 42 this year, so “carry on trying” looked a little hopeless. We’ve considered adoption and my DH is less than enthusiastic, and to be honest, my heart isn’t in it either. So it would seem that the final option is the one for us.

I am a very positive person and I’ve always been so. These last 7 years TTC have really tested my positive attitude and caused intense moments of depression. But you know what? After all that I’m still me. 

I think about how difficult it is for some people to conceive or deliver a baby to full-term, and it makes me wonder at life, and how lucky I am to be here!!

My mother had 5 miscarriages before she had me (and my sister). She had another after I was born. It took her 10 years to have a child. It occurred to me recently that I am her “little miracle”. 

This thought has given me a new lease on life. I may never have a little miracle of my own, so – this is going to sound crazy – I’ve decided to adopt myself    . I am going to lavish the love I would’ve given to a child on me (and my DH of course, ‘cause I love him to bits   ). I’m tired of waiting for the life “I should’ve had” the one most of my friends and colleagues have. Instead I’m going to have the life I deserve. It will be a productive, positive and happy life. I am appreciating every moment of my new life and will continue to do so until I croak. I thank God I’m alive, and wasn’t my mother’s MC# 6. I thank God I’m married to a man who is my best friend, and above all I thank God I have the wisdom to be grateful for these two miracles. 

I wish everyone on this thread the best of luck with their miraculous lives!!!

Lots of love

Geri xxxxx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

What a lovely post, so glad that you found such a positive slant on things.  I have at times  struggled over the years to remain positive. Like many others I have had the why me, sadness, anger, bitterness etc, infact the whole job lot that comes with IF.  In the end I  came to same conclusion you did. We can spend forever in a dark place,  or bite the bullet and try to move on.  Easier said than done at times believe me I know, but in the end we have a choice grieve forever or get busy living the life we do have rather than one we thought we would have.

Good luck & lots of happiness to you and everyone else x


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi Geri

It's good to have a positive attitude about things. 

I found it difficult to feel positive at the moment, if there is anyway I can get some support out there...My dr wants to medicate me even more, and saying " you are so depressed", I am sorry but how do you want me to feel ? just found ut my FSH is high.

I feel with my fertility issue that I lose something everyday- I never cried so much in my life. Every month I feel dissapointed by my own self- once the time of the month come I knew it didnt work , even if we try naturally.

Maybe these feelings will change one day - I need some hope, some lights that things are going to be ok. Sometimes I want to forsee the future, but is not possible. If I could see myself with 2 kids, most possible I will feel happier right now. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, regards, Hope xx


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## At last! (Mar 14, 2007)

Thanks for replying 

Jane - You sound pretty positive too!! I completely agree with you, we can't grieve for ever - life is for living. It's ironic how we waste our own lives longing for the ability to create a new life. Our kids aren't here, but we are. Sometimes I think it would be better if humans were more like animals - unaware of past or future, just living on a daily basis. Dwelling on the past and living in the future are unhealthy pastimes (something I've done a lot of while TTC). It's good to hear that you've come to terms with IF and are moving on   .

Hope - My heart goes out to you   - You shouldn't feel disappointed in yourself honey !! You have no control over your fertility - you really need to stop blaming yourself. I know what you mean about wanting to forsee the future, but to be honest, it isn't going to help thinking like that. Please try to concentrate on your life _now_, and the positive aspects of that. You may need to give yourself a break from ttc, just for a short while. I really hope your dreams come true    .

lots of love

Geri xxx


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi Geri 

I will try , really try to feel positive (sometimes I am , but goes away after 10 minutes). I will do my best  . 

Thanks for wishing me well, thats all I need right now.

Regards
Hopexx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello ladies,

I saw this thread and wanted to share a post i wrote.  Although I'm not at the end of my journey yet, I always try to keep up my PMA and not to let infertility take over my life.

To all the strong, fabulous women who share this journey, be kind to yourselves.

Dee

**********************************************************************************
It's important to remember.....................

As we embark on our 3rd cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.  

I try to picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts.  We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then.  But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have....................  

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Dee : Really cheer me up your thoughts  thank you


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Dee,

Lovely words but how do you do it? How do you stay so positive? And I'm afraid infertility isn't the only health issue I have to deal with. 
Today I seriously felt like ending it all. I have a life that isn't worth living.
I suffer from two chronic illnesses, including diabetes, that will never go away and there's the ever present risk of the thyroid trouble recurring. I have to deal with these, especially the sugar, every single day of my life and can't even binge on chocolate to feel better! Diabetes isn't just physical, it affects your mind. Sometimes, I feel as if my consciousness is swanning off to Mars. I am poor. I work but we have no money and of course, we have no children. I'm sick of searching the net to be constantly informed that the problem is my age and my eggs are cr*p. There's an American doctor who managed to get a 49 year old pregnant with her own eggs, though it took a while but it does suggest the problem's more complicated than this but we don't have the money to go to America. We can't adopt, we never got off first base. 
And today the period turned up three days late, so guess what I was thinking?!
It's hopeless. 
Why can't I have what so many people have and abuse or at least take for granted? Would we make such bad parents? 
And why can't I stop the wretched cycle if it's never going to happen? It's just an endless source of torture! My own body tortures me, month after month after month. 
What's the point?
I'm in a job where I help others to achieve their goals but no one helps me achieve mine. I've had no help from doctors at all. All they ever say to me is, 'It's x, it's chronic and will get worse, go away and live with it.'
I admire those of you who've managed to think positively but right now I can't think of anything to live for. I am sick of this heartache. What, realistically, is the point? 
I have nothing to live for, except a dear man who loves me. If he'd married a young, fit woman he could have had three kids by now. His sperm are fine. That makes me feel even worse. He'd have made a fine Dad. 
I am useless. I don't know how to get through the days. 
It's OK, I don't expect any replies. Sometimes, it just helps to get it all down.
Nbr, how are you? You've gone through so much to try and make a family, it makes me feel I don't have any right to complain!
I don't expect anyone to reply to this post. Sometimes I feel there's no help anywhere, there's just pain and illness and grief. 

Rowan


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Rowan, no words, just wanted to send you a hug.  You are in a lot of pain.  Infertility sucks.

Dee


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Yes, the feeling comes and go. I feel so down sometimes I cant function v.well. I will be happier if I knew that one day all these feelings of sadness will go away. Hate the world, but also hate myself for not doing anything about it. Hope


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## At last! (Mar 14, 2007)

Dee - Your words really rang true with me !! I think sometimes we have to stand back and see the whole picture. Infertility could swallow up our entire lives if we let it. We may not be able to control our ability to have children, but we can (with a lot of help and patience) control how we deal with it       . It has taken me a few years to realise this  .

Rowan - I'm sorry you feel so down, and I think you've made a positive move by writing your feelings on this thread (it really helps to get it off your chest). Out of all your heartache I could see one very big shining light - your dear man who loves you   .

Hope -   .

lots of love to everyone 

Geri xxxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Dee and Geri, thank you!   Your words were so kind. They really did help. Yesterday, I felt as my life was totally meaningless.
I feel a tiny bit better today as it's day two and not day one, though the period's as bad as ever. I think I cried so much yesterday I haven't any tears left! 
I have to do something about these cycles. It would help if they weren't still so incredibly regular. That's why I let myself hope, I normally have 26 day cycles and you could set a clock by them. This time, it was three days late. I'm wondering if my gp will put me on the pill or something. If I knew there was absolutely no chance of pregnancy, the cycle might be easier to cope with.
Anyway, another month. Hum, I wish I could say another chance.
Take care of yourselves. 

Rowanx


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## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Hello Ladies

Thought about this today " well she has kids, but maybe she is miserable with other aspects of her life" ..or " yes, she has kids, but where is the partner?" hehehe is like you say , people can have kids, but dont have anyhing else . Sounds harsh I know, but I feel better thinking about this. I dont have kids, but I ahve a partner who loves me and who I love too. I know some people will dislike me for saying this. sorry no harm intended, just trying to understand this world of injustices. thank you , hope xx


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## At last! (Mar 14, 2007)

I started this thread with a feeling of hope and positivity and I would like to keep that going. I want to be happy, not at the expense of others, but because I appreciate my life and I'm grateful for being given a chance to live it. I don't begrudge another woman her children, and I hope those children are brought up in a happy loving family. Yes, life can be unjust sometimes, but that's life. 

A few years ago a very close friend of mine died and it tore me up. He was only 26 at the time. A year later my Dad died, I still miss him very much. During those sad times my mother said this to me "Life isn't meant to be easy". A lot of people would think that was a very negative thing to say, but I found it extremely comforting. I immediately felt I was no longer alone in my pain. Lots of people go through bad stuff, I'm not the only one. It also helped me look at life in a different way - When things are tough, it's just life, but when times are good it's a bonus and I enjoy them all the more. The other way to look at life is to think it should always be good - so when it's bad you feel cheated and when it's good you take it for granted. I prefer my mother's view.

Just thought I'd add that.

Lots of love to everyone

Geri xxx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

This post has really made me think. 

I havent been through as much as any of you on here yet. We have been ttc for a year with no success following a vasectomy reversal. 

Everything I was reading on here I was nodding my head to. The pain each month doesnt get any easier at all. But what makes it worse is that the hope grows. Each month we think 'this is it - our time' and then the pain that comes is even worse than the last month. I cry and sob wanting the pain to go away, to have some relief.

And then I feel 2 arms around me and everything changes. These 2 arms mean so much more to me than a baby we havent conceived yet. because they belong to someone that is in my life right now - the most important person that I have. and I know that when he sees my tears he hurts as well. Its not just me that is in this but my DH too. 

We pray every day   for a baby that we have made together.  There is so much love overflowing in our lives that we want to share this with a little one of our own. But for us there are also 3 other people that are so important. Ians children are a big part of our world and I love them so much. I might not be their 'proper' mom but I am their stepmom and they are my wonderful children. And each day when I pray for my own child, I thank God for these 3 wonderful people that have entered my life, and I am so truly blessed. 


Sometimes, i think that we are living for what might happen in the future - children, jobs, money, houses. And it is so easy to get carried away with all of these. We dream of one day being parents, being rich, having no debts etc. And its ok to dream, but what I have realised is that there are so many wonderful blessings in my life that I need to live for what I have now. We will continue to ttc even though each month it hurts. But whenever I feel pain and hurt I will picture my beautiful family - Ian and my stepchildren. They are so important and they are HERE right NOW! I don't know what the future will hold for us, but I know that the people I have in my life now are the people I will take with me into MY future. xxx


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## brightspirit (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi Geri and everybody else

  How true that life consists of so many events and problems and that inevitabily IF does become just that . I can say that after a couple of years away reclaiming my life and becoming happy again.My dear mother passed away15 months ago and I miss her like crazy but she gave me the strength to cope thru her love of life which we all have deep down.

I guess we have to get help/read books talk to people /make new friends and reclaim our true spirit  

Life really is worth living but just start with the little steps as they say nobody said life was fair but it is still a beautiful thing -don't give up on it

Hugs


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

What a lovely inspirational thread x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

THat is a very uplifting post. Thanks.


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## At last! (Mar 14, 2007)

Flow - Your post was very moving. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner and stepkids and it's lovely to read about how much you appreciate them   .

Brightspirit - Sorry to hear about your Mum   . Yes, I totally agree, life is a beautiful thing and the more we realise this, the more we appreciate it  .

Myownangel and Beachgirl - thanks    . 

FF is a fantastic site for sharing and expressing how we feel. I have done my fair share of despairing on here over the years, and I now feel I'm out of the woods (as far as IF is concerned ). It's nice to be positive for a change and I'm glad there are others out there who feel the same way - THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN IF !!!!! Yey !!!

lots of love,

Geri xxx


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## Angels4Me (Apr 8, 2006)

Hi all

Yes a very inspirational and true thread.  Thanks for making me appreciate all I have. 

Im a positive person too but we cant be that without feeling things fully when we need to, so at devastating times of our lives we may not feel so positive. I remember a time when I cried every day for what felt like months, years. Im happy and also have a lovely DP. Im hoping one day that we can have a baby. I currently feel devesated at the realistic thought that it may not happen. I can totally understand people feeling bitter and angry. Im not sure of our next move but you have reminded me to enjoy my current family members - thank you and   to you all    

angels x


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