# Meeting Birth Parents



## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi ladies

We are meeting Cookies birth parents next week  

I've been asked to compile a list of questions for them and I have a few ideas but am looking for more!  I'm sure this is something that's come up before on the boards but can't find anything.  AdoptionUk used to have a fact sheet area with loads of ideas but that's disappeared too (unless i just can't see it!)

Any ideas (or advice!)?.  It's going to be sooo emotional, esp as it takes places straight after their contact with Cookies baby sibling who may also be coming our way.  i just want them to know how much cookie will be loved and cared for but can't even think it without getting emotional!  

Bx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi hun

We did a birth family (3members) meeting the day before our 2 moved in and it was hard however well worth it for our children plus we did our 1st contact letter in June and got a great one back in July/aug which made it even more worth it. We found it hard as we were talking about children we had only spent 11days with so didnt have lots to talk about where as now i would love to do a meeting to ask them lots of little questions however they will now go into our contact letter for next yr!

We asked about birth weights/times, cravings in preg, little things they wanted to tell us about the child/ren ect

here is a post i have quoted from a FF lady who is not only a forever mummy she is also adopted herself and gave a list of things she wished to know ect (if you click on the "quote by morgana " bit it will take you to the thread)

Hope this helps

hugs

Mez
xxxx


morgana said:


> Good luck for matching panel
> We are only a couple of weeks ahead of you and are in the process of making our own list of questions. Unfortunately for us the birth parents have dis-engaged with SS and there has been no contact for nearly 9 months. Still we are making a list of questions that the SW will keep incase they decide to start communicating again. We are also making a list about ourselves to go into the file for the birth parents so they have a general idea of the kind of people we are.
> 
> I am adopted and I remember being very frustrated because I didn't know the little details....things that bugged me were:
> ...


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi Boggy

I posted something similar to this not so long ago as we were going to see the girls bps, our situation was a bit different as our girls haven't been freed yet so it was even more awkward. I had all these questions in my head but when I got there I am ashamed to say I froze and couldn't think of much to say. But I found out a few things that I didn't know but I am afraid that the bm didn't have any reason to name the girls what she did other than she liked them and I had the girls birth weights and things like that from the health visitor's report.

I wish you all the best it really isn't all that bad I just worried for no reason.

Love K


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi Boggy

I work with birth families being a foster carer and my only advice would be to be yourself  If you get emotional then they will see a woman who must care deeply about your new addition to your family 

Trust me if can be just as daunting for them also 



xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Boggy

We met with the birth family twice.  The first time was before we had met ds and we found out loads of info for him to have in later years, they really just wanted reasurrance that we would love him and encourage him to do his best and that we wanted him to be happy.

The 2nd time we met them was day 11 of intros and I found that harder as we were talking about a little boy who we had now met and fell in love with.  This time they wanted to know if we liked him and him us and they gave us a photo album of the first 16months of his life including a scan picture.

Our ds has been relinquished so we didn't have any abuse or neglect to deal with but we did have the worry of whether they would like us hanging over our heads.  They gave us their approval at the first meeting though I am still a bit nervous about the court hearing and just want it out of the way.

Be yourself, reasure them how much you love Cookie and want the best for her.

Good luck, we found it a very positive experience and though nerve wracking am glad we did it.

Love
OT x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Boggy

It is emotional for all concerned when you meet & the main thing the BPS want to know is that their child who will become yours will be loved and cared for.

They will most probably ask you what you will tell your little one about them when they are older.  Our BPS asked us this & I answered that I'd tell DD you loved her very much but you were unable to look after her.  Which is the truth BUT there is a lot more to it than that BUT I wouldn't have said anything different to them as this is what the BM especially wanted to hear.

It will be worth it in the end and you will be glad you did,we wished our DS BM had wanted to meet us as now at the age of 15 he asks us questions that if we'd been able to meet, we might have been able to answer.

Thinking of you.
Andre
x


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi Boggy

IN our case BM didn't really have a lot to say - we knew a lot from SS beforehand - and she didn't really add any more. We did find out however about where BBB's name came from and a little bit about siblings.

We had been told to think about questions to ask. I came away wishing I had also thought about what information BM would find interesting and useful from us.

A friend of mine who is adopted told me one of the most important things we could do  was to make BBB feel that this part of his story i.e his birth family , was valued by us. What better  way to show them you value eveything about them than to meet their birth parents. i kept this thought with me throughout.

An emotional and yet i found empowering experience

good luck
HHH


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Thanks for all your advice.  

We're are meeting them tomorrow, and have been told it'll only be for 15 minutes.  My heart breaks when I think of BMs loss, but rejoices when I think of what i have gained.

Cookies BPs have never had care of her, and haven't seen her for a year so my questions are mostly about them - what did they like at school etc.  Cookie's form E even details her birth so there aren't many gaps to be filled.  Go with the flow is my motto for tomorrow!

Bx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Boggy thinking of you today as you meet the bps.

You summed it up brilliantly when you said your heart breaks for their loss but rejoices for what you about to gain...........................I couldn't have put it better!!!! 

Love
Andrea
x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Boggy

Hope everything has gone well today  

Thinking of you.


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## ShazJohn (Jul 29, 2008)

Hi Boggy,

Hope everything has gone well today.  

This is a very useful thread as i have also been wondering what i would ask the BPs if we get to meet them (if we ever get matched).  MJ the piece you put on there is great for what sort of questions to ask as I would have no idea where to start.

Shazjohn X


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi folks

Well we drove the 40 miles to the meeting, only to find out it had been cancelled.    It's been rescheduled for 2 weeks time.  Nice of them to let us know - NOT!!

Thanks for all your support
bx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Oh No! What a let down  

Do you know why it was cancelled? 

Hope the 2 weeks goes quickly for you


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

The BP's were in court, our social worker and Cookie's SW were livid that no one had told them - or us!  I was all psyched up for it, but it'll keep for another day!  We're away for the weekend with Cookie for the first time tomorrow so lots to keep us occupied!  

bx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

What a bummer!!! 

It would have been nice to be informed wouldn't it.

Love
Andrea
x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Well we met the Birth Parents today and it turned out to be a really positive experiece.  They were so warm and friendly and happy to meet us and have a photo taken with us.  Hopefully they won't contest the adoption now!  I got answers to all my questions and have written it all down in the form of a letter for Cookie to read when she is older.  I did feel a bit bad when Birth father asked if we could meet them again in a couple of years to see how she was doing and the SW had to say no.    There's no letter box contact either, and I don't think Birth Father has quite grasped what adoption is.  

Thanks for all your support
Bx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Boggy

Glad it all went well yesterday.

You can't help but feel sorry for the BPs to some degree can you?

Love
OT x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Boggy

I am also glad that things went well for you when you met the BPS.

Love
Andreax


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

HI Boggy, glad all went well.  BM asked us for a photo in a couple of years time but we are not allowed to send any so sw had to explain.  We found meeting bm a worthwhile experience but it was upsetting all round as we all nearly cried as we felt sorry for her loss and so did she.  We felt it was the right thing to do to reassure her about us and for us to see where our new son came from.  It was only for half an hour and child's sw was "in charge" so, although daunting, it was the right thing to do we felt and at the end I hugged bm as felt close to her and sorry for her.  Wouldn't want her as my new best friend though but it was fine as a one off meeting.  After the meeting I wrote down the gist of what was said so I could give it to ds2 when he is old enough.  SW also took some photos of us all.  After meeting us BM phoned ds2's fc and asked her what she thought of us    FC told her that she liked us so BM was reassured by that.  FC told us she had phoned her.  Went off BM then


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