# Help



## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

We have got an emergency foster placement of two girls of 10 and 12. And I am panicking of what we can do with them. They are soo mature for their age it is unbelievable, and their case is so complex there is no way that we should have been given them for our first placement. But would our sw said that  would help us on our way for adopting our girls so here we are. I think by the time that this is over which we don't even know when that will be I weill be on the prozac. So I will probably not be around much for a while so I will get back in touch some time if I make it through. 

Love K


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi - Having a son who has just turned 14, 14 yesterday!!, I know exactly how hard it will be to entertain 2 children & girls of that age.

All they will want to do, is hang out on their own, which is may be not a good idea under the circumstances and SHOP!

May be you could take them shopping, I presume you will get an allowance for them staying with you so maybe a trip to the shops to buy them something they may need.  it doesn't have to be expensive, although we all know they like their labels at that age!  You could suggest going to get them toiletires they may need, a new nightshirt or something along those lines.

Let them play their music as loud as you can stand it, you know the kind, thump - thump -thump! & you'll be on to a winner.

I'm sure you will be fine, just take a few deep breaths and have a glass of wine when they are finally in bed!!

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Naoise,

just wanted to wish you luck.  i will be thinking of you.  

if it helps here are some ideas for outings/activities:

swimming
cinema
making mix CDs for the car (get them to chose the music and learn to download and copy it to cd)
designing stuff - new clothes; jewellrey etc
trip to the local shopping mall.  you could even give them a bit of money to buy something for themselves...say £5.  then they can start to learn about budgetting etc.  one top from gap OR 2 tops from new look OR lots of bathtime treats from boots...
fashion show.  give them some old clothes of yours to wear and model with acessories
painting toenails and finger nails
hair doos
baking and food prep
easter card making/easter bonnets...decorate the house for easter
trip to zoo/city farm to see the baby animals (even the most hardened teeeager seems to enjoy this - even if they say that they dont)

hope it helps

magenta x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hiya 

Welcome to my world 

K came to us as an emergency in Dec and he is still here  he is also more complex than a first placement should be 

Just take it as it comes , you will be shattered but as andrea says get the wine ready for after their bedtime 

One tip keep your house rules from the start, it might sound cruel but it will help in the long run 

Also if you can stand the music then try to as it seems to mean a lot to them 

 and shout if you need anything 

xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

K, I've got neices of a similar age and I think Magenta has given some good ideas.

Best of luck, will look forward to reading how you got on.

Cindy


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

I don't think that this is going to work out. These girls are notlike ordinary 10 and 12 year olds. They are really mature for their age, and one of them is very cheeky I mean we can't take her out anywhere or she shouts abuse at people on the street. I know they are having a difficult time away from home for the first time. We are having a struggle with the oldest's mobile, ss asked us to take it away at 10pm for bed, so that was OK but last night the mother rang drunk telling us to give her the phone, and after she goes to court on Tuesday ( the ss are going for a care order) then things are really going to kick off. This is just after one of the girls told us that their mum is a great fighter and likes to hit peoples heads off walls.AAGGGGHHH!!! And on top of all that I have to take them to school on Tuesday and they live just round the corner what am I going to do.  I want to ring ss and tell them I can't deal with them but Liam thinks that we should hang in there what do you all think?

Love K


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Blimey K, is that what you signed up for?  I thought you wanted to adopt?  Be careful that you are not being taken advantage of.  Why should you fostering these girls help you on your way to adopting your girls?  As I understand it fostering and adoption are 2 very different kettles of fish.  I know sometimes SS are in dire need of foster placements, but this does seem a lot to ask you to deal with.  I think you ceratinly need some guidance and assistance from SS if they want these girls to stay with you.  It is not good enough for SS to leave you to handle this alone when it is your first placement and they are obviously challenging girls and somewhat older than the age range you want to adopt.  Get on the phone first thing tomorrow, tell them your concerns and ask them what they are going to do to support you.

It must be terribly hard for the girls being away from their mum today of all days.

Good luck and lets us know how you get on.

Sanita


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

Hiya K - I agree with Sanita - talk to your s/w about your concerns and you could tell the children's s/w knows about the mother ringing up drunk, report any other incidents quickly and the children's s/w will inform their legal dept who will inform mother's solicitoer who will strongly advise the client to stop whatever they are doing. I would think the mother will take this advice as she will want the court to think well of her. 

As for the issue of the mobile phone, does the girl ring her mother at night, if so see if she will agree to do so before 10 maybe at an agreed time each night - if she thinks you are not trying to stop her from seeing or talking to her mum she may be more amenable. 

As for taking them anywhere - they are old enough to understand expectations - so agree what is acceptable before you go and if they break the agreement then the trip is off.  Do the girls go to CAMHS or have a support worker who knows them well who could maybe talk to you about how to get the best responses from them. Have you got enough information about their history to enable you to understand and anticipate situations or behaviours

Most of all tho as Sanita said fostering and adoption are very different, and fostering is about providing care, support and stability for a while. When children first go into foster care they are all over the place and can be very challenging but things do settle down and relationships between the children and f/c develop over time and as the child begins to realise that things can be done differently and they have a right to be safe and looked after and cared for, and that you are geniunely trying to help them  

However, if you get to the point that you really feel if its not working then say so for your own and the girls sake - you are in charge of this situation, its your house and your family and its up to you to say when enough is enough or its too much to deal with. It should be a planned move tho - a placement breakdown and quick move to an unknown destination is not a good scenario for the girls.  

Hope this helps and doesn't sound as tho I am lecturing you - If you want to PM me to discuss any specific issues - then I'll be happy to help
caseyxx


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi all

This is only meant to be a short term placement until they get somewhere else as I am still at work and only managed to get a little time off work. So the girls will be moving on soon. But I am afraid will try to take advantage of us and ask us for more time. I am meant to go back to work on Saturday, so I will ring them on Tuesday and let them know this, they are off tomorrow for the Bank Holiday, I mean we have been left for four days with no support at all and nowhere to ring if we can't cope. We are only doing this as a favour but I really wish I had said no.

Love K


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

naoise 

That all sounds familiar  

It was christmas when K came to us and we had no sw support for over a week! and still dont have a permanent child sw! I would call your sw first thing and tell them what happened and that you want a visit today! You have to be forceful and you tell them what it is like and not the other way round!. 
I would take the mobile away! K is not allowed one and that is our house rules, yes you wont be popular but you have to safe guard yourself. Explain to her that you need to have it until you have spoken to sw about it. We dont allow our address or details on any of the paperrwork due to K's mum getting a copy. Not that I think she would bother !

We had rough evening with K last night and dh was ready to give up on it all and ring duty team. as we are dealing with a child who is out of our age range and we are struggling with all the things that come with his age that we didnt want to. It just doesnt fit with our support network etc  

Let us know how you get on. And this is a genuine offer if you want to chat or get any advice I am willing to message you my number hun 

xx


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Quick reply, thanks Olive for the offer and I think I will take you up on it, it would be great to chat to someone in the same position. the girls are now settling in quite well and we are keeping them busy. I think we might have a tough night on Tuesday after their Mum goes to court as I really don't think that she is going to get them back, so I am sure the girls will take it hard.We are off out to the beach, mad or what but we just thought the drive and a walk round the shops would pass the time.

Love K


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

I have sent you a message  I hope today has been ok for you?

xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

K

Can only echo what the others have said.  Hope things settle soon and good luck for tomorrow.

Karen x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

K  so sorry havent called you back! Dh only passed on message a little while ago. i got held up at work! 

I will try you tomorrow?

hope everything is ok?

love
suzie x


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