# Help - my bundle of joy and smiles is now....well not!



## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hello everyone, 


I'm really feeling very down and I need some support from those who understand.  I don't think my issues are adoption specific but I think lack of routine in Fcs may have contributed to it. 


My daughter has been home for nearly 10 months and is now 20 months.  She has never been a great sleeper (detailed in the report) and didn't have a routine for naps and sleeping at the Fcs.  When she first came home she would sleep for about 20minutes morning and afternoon and would wake nearly every hour throughout the night. 


Over time, I have increased her naps to an hour morning and afternoon and until about 2 months ago she used to sleep from 7.30 until 8 with either one wake up or straight through. Despite valiant attempts I have not been able to increase her nap times.


However since she was poorly two months ago (various illnesses and more recently a throat and ear infection) she struggles to nap at all and has started waking 4-5 times during the night.  We have tried everything to get her back to sleep including ; controlled crying which ends up in very uncontrolled screaming, sitting by her cot until she falls asleep with no communication, sips of water, stroking her face....NOTHING is working! It either takes her hours to fall asleep or she wakes up again as soon as we leave the room. 


Napping is the same, it's just taken me nearly an hour to get her to fall asleep and I suspect she will wake again before she's had the full hour. 


During the day she has changed from a happy, easy going baby to a tantrumming, frustrated toddler and as a result I feel I have changed too.  I try to remain calm but I'm so exhausted and frazzled that I feel constantly on the verge of tears. 


My husband asked me if I need to visit the dr as I burst into tears last night after she woke up at 8.30 and took an hour to fall asleep! Is it normal to feel frazzled and frustrated with a 20 month old toddler?


I'm sorry to have a rant, I just need some advice and a bit of support and to feel like I'm not the only one having a bad time at the moment.


Xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Bunny

It sounds like you're having a tough time right now! 

All I'd say is you're definitely not on your own! I'm having the day from hell with my two today   My 6 month old is teething and boy is he letting us know about it. Everything I try results in him screaming, yelling or whacking. I get it, he's in pain, but when my nearly 18 month old is also 'on one' I feel like dropping them both of with their grandparents for the day  

My daughter (nearly 18 months) just has one nap a day, from 12 noon which lasts 1.5 hours to 2 hours. I wouldn't expect a 20 month old to need a morning and afternoon nap as they won't have been awake long enough in the morning to be sleepy. Given a lot of toddlers drop their naps altogether around 2 - 2.5 years, she will probably be scaling down.

All I'd suggest is stretch her out, give her lunch at 11.30 - 12 noon then nap at 12 noon. I wouldn't be morning napping her at her age. It's possible the night waking etc is because she's not tired enough. I have my daughter up by 2.15 latest and was told the golden rule is never let them sleep past 3pm.

X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey,

From one frazzled mummy to another - big hugs. I'm having a crap mummy day (not LO fault at all). I'm in constant pain at the mo and thus comes on the back of 2.5 weeks of my toddler being pretty crazy due to the routine break and thus he's been very needy/whiny and toddlers to boot. 

I've also a LO with rubbish sleep but it improved dramatically when he moved to us (wasn't FC as she did routine but it was busy house and he us a light sleeper. 

I presume your LO is on one nap now rather than two a day? My friends BC stopped napping around this age so if she was sleeping through the night then I would think she might not need day naps. I see ME has given good advice re napping structure.

My LO wakes during night when struggling with things & I've resorted to co sleeping with him if he's just not settling with reassurance. A few nights if this normally puts him back to full sleeps.

I would welcome others advice for getting him off to sleep thou as having a complete nightmare just now. 1hour fights to nap or bed sleep. Once off he's fine so I know he's still happy for nap but he's struggling with me leaving.
If I stay he wakes himself up to check I'm there. Daddy can do the settle and leave but for me it's end in hysterical crying from both of us (he puts fingers down throat and makes himself gag so I really can't leave him to cry it off as it's truly disturbing to listen to/watch). Daddy leaves him he gets whiny moany cry for a few mins then he settles but I get life us ending sobbing.

Anyone got through this and got tips? What makes it all worse us I need to return to work so GP is watching some days and he won't sleep fora hone but DH or I currently and our nice routine broke since mid Dec and hysterics started. I know it's probably all connected but it just can't be helped. I'm going insane thinking that this us hurting my poor boy!

X x


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Thanks both, 

She is still having two naps a day at the moment.  I tried to drop to one in November but she still only had one hour at the most and then she became overtired (having gone from two hours to one).

-  Any tips on stretching her naps as she struggles with just an hour? 

I re introduced two naps to catch up after her illnesses as she hadn't been sleeping well through the night but she STILL isn't sleeping well so I haven't reduced it to one yet. I'll try that this week though.

Gertie - do you sleep in your Lo's room/bed or does he come into yours?  My Dd is still in a cot so I can't sleep with her and DH is worried about co sleeping becoming a regular occurrence.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I take LO to spare bed if we need the sleep. I was reluctant to begin with as dudnt want a habit. I must say when LO is ready he asks to go back to his own bed (cot bed). I've also did sleep on floor til he was asleep and that worked when younger but not now.

I would try dropping one sleep - possibly the morning one and bring bedtime forward slightly. You can always extend the nighttime going down routine when you need to - our LO went to bed at 630 when he first came home & day slept at 1030/11 as that was FC routine. We gradually adjusted so now he wakes later and goes to bed at 730/8 with 1.5hr nap at 12.

Re extending nap - ours only slept for 40 mins at at time so I just went through a period if resettling/staying with to get him back off to sleep and over 1week it became his norm. Also I find if he's warmer/snug he will sleep longer but if he gets cold he will only sleep for an hour.

HTH x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

My Lo was 22 months on placement so a little older. He was having one nap a day from 1-3. I would try the one nap again and expect it to take a time for lo to adjust. Toddlers are very hard work and some of the behaviour might be just typical toddler behaviour and not just tiredness.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

If you look up sleep stages we go into light sleep after 40-45 minutes and for a child who struggles with naps etc this light stage will cause them to wake then not re-settle. So when our son did this when he was learning to nap, at first I'd settle but then I left him to it...a few days of crying after 40 minutes and going back down for another hour soon became a little bit if chatting, and then nothing at all - just sleeping through. But at times like today when he's teething or unwell, he reverts to waking after 40 minutes ( and today wouldn't settle back at all so only had a short nap, I ended up giving him half an hour between 3.30pm - 4.00pm as he was shattered and very cranky and he went down at 6.30pm without a peep). I think the bottom line would be if they wake too early, leave them to re-settle....horrible if they cry but honestly they stop within days and have the life skill of learning to settle themselves down. I found it very hard but hubby kept me strong and with my eye on the long term goal of a happy well-rested child. Some days it just ain't gonna work but on the whole, it does x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

No wonder you're feeling frazzled if you're getting that many interruptions to sleep.

I often have problems with Wyxling napping.  I can only get her to nap if she falls asleep in my arms, but she will settle for a cuddle and I sing to her and she goes off.  When I first started doing this she would mess me around horrendously, but I just completely ignored it, stroked her hair, and rocked her and sang to her, and she's just so tired she can't resist it.  Now she quite likes it and will settle on my lap willingly and tell me what songs she wants.  If she wakes early it doesn't matter how tired she is, she just gets up, unless I go straight to her and hold her, in which case she will go off again and sleep on me (if I try to put her down again she wakes though, so I just sit with her for the rest of nap time).  Same with night times.  She absolutely won't stay in bed for a second when she's awake, she wants me immediately, and when she was in the cot she'd shout for me until I went.  Now she just comes into our bedroom, and either I let her get into bed (which doesn't work, because hubby gets really grumpy about it) or go and get into bed with her and I can usually get her back off sleeping on me and be comfortable enough to at least doze.

Bladelet is a bit of a trickier one sleeping wise, and I am absolutely dreading putting him into a bed when we have to.  He often wakes and cries part way through his nap.  If I go to him straight away, he will calm with some cuddles and be sleepy enough to go back in his cot and go back to sleep while I'm there.  It used to take me a long time to settle him again, and I've slept on the floor in his room on occasion just so I could be there but also have some sleep, but now he goes back off pretty easily thankfully.  He goes down for an afternoon nap absolutely fine, but he absolutely needs just a short morning nap or the last couple of hours around lunch time he's just impossible and cries about absolutely everything.  It takes me at least 20 minutes of him screaming while I hold him and he tries to wriggle off and gets furious because he can't, before he decides he is actually quite tired, snuggles up and goes to sleep.

I would be wary about using controlled crying with any adopted children early on in placement, and at all with children who have any hints of attachment problems.

I hope you manage to find something that works.  Can you grab some sleep while your l/o naps?  Could hubby take her out for a few hours at the weekend so you can just get some uninterrupted sleep?  I know it's not a long term solution, but it might make staying calm and dealing with a toddler easier, and might make you feel better knowing that you do have some time when you'll be able to have a bit of a sleep catch up.  Ours have been troublesome for most of Christmas with sleeping, just unsettled by their break in routine I think, but at least one of them has had us up on the night every night through the holidays.  Hubby and I have been taking it in turns while he's been off to catch a couple of hours during the day time, which has really helped.

Wyxie xx


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