# sad but beautifully written, a lady who left it too late



## chloe99 (Aug 27, 2008)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1199491/Seduced-stories-stars-giving-birth-later-IVF-myths-career-obsessed-Lucy-believed-children-love-wait.html


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

That was a very good piece of writing, the sort of story that should go into all types of womens magazines.  I agree there is a serious lack of awareness of fertility issues for those outside of the tx circuit.  I do think it is personal choice though if a celeb wants to keep quiet publicly about egg donation, but yes it is helpful if women were more aware that it very possibly is deivf given the circumstances.  I am sorry Lucy has come to the end of her journey, but glad she did consider deivf.  That was a nice story for the Daily Mail.

Jane


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## Blu (Jul 28, 2005)

As the thread title says - sad story well written. Unfortunately it feeds into the Daily Mails ongoing insistence that fertility issues are women's own fault for leaving it too late and therefore IVF should not be available on the NHS - and their many other negative views on everything fertility related


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Its well written but ultimately what you'd expect from the Daily Mail- its still self pitying closet career woman bashing done by a career woman. I am also surprised at this womans willingness to bow to her partners revulsion for donor eggs. Has she not learnt to stand up for himself in all her career challenges? Whats different about using those skills in a relationship. Its ok for him he can father kids up to 90 or so- she cannot . She is only 45, the same age as I was when I conceived my first child. If only they opened their eyes, and /or she put her foot down and at least gave it a go, then they would have at least a chance of having the family of their dreams.  If its one thing I've learnt in this process, you have to be determined to beat the reduced odds, and to fight for your right to have a family.

I started trying to conceive before I was 40 then had to give it up for financial reasons. I found the resources to resume a few years later. Nothing less than a long hard tortuous slog resulted in, 5 years later, our having our beautiful daughter and now we have twins on the way.

Never is a long time. I hope that this woman can live with that without resenting her partner or herself.



roze x


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2009)

Roze - you do have a point ...

I agree this is indeed well written. And the lady had just published a novel, so she is talented (and of course using her personal story to get some publicity ... but that's ok, it's her choice).
But why does the media only portray these types of infertile women? The ones who 'left it too late' and were pursuing a career? I started ttc when I was 28, and stopped the 'work hard' play hard' time by the time I was in my early 30s. Still today I am 40 and still no child, just 6 m/cs ... There are many like me out there, especially on ff. Why does no-one describe us? Maybe because we are not such an easy target for the Daily Mail? Because instead of derision people would have to feel compassion for our trials?

Just a thought ...


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## Ruthee (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi there,
I agree- although well written it is yet again a story about a 'career woman' who changed her mind. I don't like to think in this day and age there still has to be such a dichotomy- i.e. you have to either have a career or a family but somehow not both. Maybe it seems easier for the media to assume that the public have to swallow the idea that women have 2 choices and if they regret the choice they make, then it's their own tough luck. Perhaps that's easier for the average reader to believe than the truth- that for no reason other than damn bad luck, some people who would make extraordinary parents, simply may not have the chance to. It's not their choice, it's not their fault- it's just that sometimes bio;ogy does not play ball, life really is a b**ch and all the crying and screaming can't change that.
I have a career and to be honest, in my fertility treatment, I have felt negatively judged for this and reluctant to admit it. Professionals and others have presumed that I am a career-woman who changed her mind a bit too late- they are wrong and it makes me mad.    
I did not put off having children because of my career. I didn't have children in my teens or early twenties because I wanted to be able to support myself and any family financially and to be emotionally mature enough for this- I think that's responsible. I didn't have children in my mid-twenties (despite wanting them and having a miscarriage- even though I didn't realise I was preg until afterwards) because my first marriage was a bad one and one in which I did not feel it was reasonable to bring children into. 
I wanted to make a stable and a loving family and luckily met my second husband in my late 20s. After dating for a while and setting up home together after a couple of years, we decided to try for a family. it seemed to be the responsible thing, to make sure we were suited and settled before rushing into having children. I was only in my late 20s and early 30s by then. We stopped using contraception and waited and waited and waited and just kept trying. We then had investigations- I have POF. No-one could have predicted that. My Mum had her last child aged 38- a total of 5 kids. My husband has sperm morphology probs- we thought the reason he never got anyone preg before was because he was respectful, careful and responsible. We had no idea he had sperm probs, why would he?
I am tired of being judged by people who clearly think that because they have been biologically luckier than DH and I, that they somehow get to take the moral highground. We have not been able to conceive our own biological children NOT because we are bad or selfish people but because we both have biological problems.
I recently read an article in the Sunday Times written by someone who had had IVF and was asked if they wanted to donate their unwanted unused embryos to other couples. This was a very emotive piece for me to read as I am currently preg from embryo donation. I read through hoping and hoping that they had agreed, so that another couple could also know the joy of such a gift. At the end I am sad to say that the couple had the embryos destroyed rather than donating them. One of the reasons given for this was that they did not know whether the people who would receive the donated embryos would be good parents. I was devasted. again, here is the judgement cast against the biologically unfortunate. People whose attempts to conceive naturally are not subject to such judgements, so why should peopl in the position of DH and I be judged. I'll say it again- we both have unfortunately previously unknown biological problems. Our biological problems are not a moral or ethical judgement against us- not a punishment from any kind of god- just a very sad, unfortunate fact.
I want to thank people for reading this post and hope I have not ranted on too much    
I am just so sick of being judged by so many during what has to have been the toughest aspect of my life.
Much love,
Ruthee
xxx


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Dear Ruthee, I know exactly what you mean about being judged so harshly. I have decided not to read these stories any more as if I don't know about them, they cant hurt me, and the reason they print these stories is to wind up the Mail reading public and those who think life is all black and white.

I agree that not all women in our situation are career women who have left it too late, however I would not think less of anyone who had as life is full of challenges and demands and perhaps they had tough decisions to make in other areas. 

When I was being sewn up after my c section after having DD a senior theatre nurse asked me the same question- why I left it so late. I replied ( as coherently as I could on morphine and post birth) that I hadnt left it too late, I had started trying in my mid 30s just after I met my partner. We waited as we lived in a very small flat and I kept being made redundant- twice in fact in 4 years - all of which did not place us in a good place to start a family. After having some difficulties we could not get the help we needed and could not afford private treatment. Only when I was 41 did I inherit some money and enabled us to have private treatment. She went quiet at that.
Also I had to build my career to afford the treatment as the inheritance soon started to run out. And now I am a mother of one, expecting twins, yet I am also still the major breadwinner as without my salary coming in we cannot otherwise afford, with a teacher husband , to live anything like a reasonably comfortable life. We will have to have a nanny next year with 3 children as its most cost effective that way, so I will be seeking promotion on my return from maternity leave in order to finance all of that.  Of course the media don't really acknowledge that sometimes us women have to do the lot and be everything to everybody.

People are so assumptive about what other people do, they just don't stop and think before opening their mouths. It really is just ignorance.

I hope that you manage to put all of this crap away as it really is just that. You will only feel you are being judged when you read these things. Just forget about them and follow the path your heart takes you.

roze x


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## chloe99 (Aug 27, 2008)

I really liked the article as I felt that if a woman unconnected with infertility read it openmindedly, she would most likely come away with some food for thought and possibly empathy for women who appear to leave it too late (rather than the more usuall derision and lack of sympathy, you brought it on yourself kind of thing).  i think the article is a great step in the right direction, changes in public opinion have to start somewhere and I think this kind of piece can be really valuable.


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