# Am I overreacting to friend's announcement?



## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

I've just had a colossal meltdown tonight and can no longer work out if I'm normal/over reacting or anything.
I've just had a failed cycle after a 2 year break. When the embryologist phoned up she said our embryos were not good quality and had a lot of fragmentation and this must have been an issue on previous cycles. It had never been picked up before but looking through old paperwork it was. It the worst 2ww ever- knowing that having 20%> fragmentation and not good embryos it was unlikely to work. Consequently I've been in meltdown mode since and in the last 5 weeks have had about 5 days of not crying. At our follow up the consultant suggested donor eggs.
Throughout this time my best friend has gone through this process. She's had 2 failed IUIs, 3 failed ICSIs and got pregnant this last time just before mine failed. Obviously I'm really happy for them but at the same time sad for us and Ive found it hard to see her (default position for when anyone gets pregnant!) as we are now opposite ends of the spectrum. I guess also we've been each other's supporters the whole time and when hers worked I was conscious of not off loading onto her as they need to enjoy it and be positive. I felt like I lost the only support I had.
Anyway as I say I've been in complete meltdown mode, not wanted to see anyone, kept it together to go to work etc. I saw her last week for a dog walk and they were having their 12 week scan and we were also going out for a girls get together yesterday for her birthday with 9 mutual friends. I asked if she was going to announce it and she said she was just telling people as she saw them.
Girls lunch. Spent all morning in tears as I didn't want to go.  Husband prepping me up saying it would be good for me. Stewing over what I would do if she made an announcement but he was convinced she'd be sensitive to that and not do it. Got there necked Prosecco. She made the announcement. No prior warning. It took every ounce of willpower not to burst into tears. Obviously lots of baby talk. Of course they want to announce it and are really happy, I get that, but if I'd had prior warning that would have been ok. I could have not gone if I would have found it too hard. Is it insensitive or am I over reacting?? I have no idea what's normal anymore!!. I guess it hurts as she's well aware of what I'm going through and how hard it is to cope. She's probably the only person I've been open with. We've had so many conversations in the past about how hard it is when people announce their pregnancies and how we have felt due to our situations that I kind of expected she would be different. People that haven't been through it wouldn't think twice about announcing it and I know that but her doing that really hurts. I have no idea if I'm being irrational or not. I was home in bed by 9- I had to take the dog out when I got home due to husband working away and ended up bawling on some man in the park I've met once through our dogs playing together. Poor man. Just woke up (thanks alcohol) and trying to put it all together.
Wish I'd trusted my instincts and not gone out. 
I don't know whether to address it/suck it up/ have no idea if the way I feel is normal/rational. Actually just writing all this has been really helpful. 
X


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## swanlake (Nov 7, 2012)

Mrs c 

I read you post and wanted to give you a big virtual hug, you poor thing, it's so devistating having a failed cycle and then the news of potentially de, and then as you say your support in your friend has gone. 

You sound as though you are having some major things to deal with and grieve for, and it sounds as though that's what's happening to you at the moment, you are grieving you are bereft and we can't underestimate the impact of this on us ladies - it's a complex grief because we are morning the loss of our 'babies' and then the loss of your friend- in some ways too and the potential loss of your own genetic child with this idea of de- it's a hell of a lot and maybe you are feeling completely overwhelmed and flooded by all of this? 

In that sense you are not overreacting you are reacting in an ordinary way to some big sad things and you have lost the person you would probably have turned to to say these things too. 

People are strange- my best friend went through three miscarriages and tests along with me- she and I supported each other and like you have these conversations about announcements - when she got pregnant this all went out the window and she turned into one of those women- 1 1/2 years later - through her pregnancy and birth we have seen each other once- she just isn't there for me anymore- her life has gone in a different direction- I think people fall into two camps when they've had struggles- and become pregnant- those who become really sensitive and empathetic- remembering what it felt like and trying their dampest and being thoughtful for what it feels like for you and those who for some reason I think just don't want to be reminded of the pain they have been through and throw themselves into being 'pregnant' and so become insensitive and thoughtless because the memories are too much (who knows?) 

But I think what you need to do, which is important for you is not to beat yourself up- you are going through an incredibly difficult time, you are grieving and you need to allow yourself time to cry and be upset, you need to protect yourself and that may mean just not being around her for now, what you are feeling is completely rational to you- you have been hurt and you have been emotionally wounded - your emotional defences are shattered at the moment and you need to build these up again so you can feel stronger - so take time to cry and be angry and upset and you will start to feel stronger again. 

I wouldn't worry about your friend at present and whether to say something etc- what to you are feeling more In control, as what you don't want is some of your feelings to get mixed up and blurred with how she has handled things- particularly if you do want a friendship with her- that's not to say that what she has done and the way she has done it wasn't completely insensitive -and upsetting and you are right to feel hurt and saddened by it. 

I guess I am trying to say you are not overreacting you are not being irrational and you have many reasons to feel this way. 

It does help to let it out so make sure you use this place as lots of know or have been in that place- it does get easier- (some days! ) 

Lots of love

Xxxxx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Your reactions are perfectly natural and entirely understandable. You're not only dealing with your own sadnesses but effectively having lost a support outlet in your friend is a double blow. There is no denying that your friend was selfish to include you in a group announcement, knowing full well how much such news hurts when you're struggling to conceive. We can make excuses for insensitive friends who just don't get it, but from someone who has presumably been on the receiving end of it herself seems a tad insensitive!

However, don't let this come between you (if you want to continue the friendship that is). I'm sure she wasn't being deliberately spiteful or insensitive. She probably just felt that this was her time and momentarily forgot about how her news would affect you. Making friends with others going through the same experience is a great source of support. However inevitably one of you will 'get there first' which automatically changes the nature of a friendship. 

People will deal with things differently. For some women who achieve succes they are full of empathy for others still struggling, yet for others it can be too painful to remember how awful it feels and that need to put the whole experience behind them can make them a bit distant. 

You obviously need support so I would try to seek it with an impartial person like a counsellor whose personal situation won't change and will be there for you throughout
the entirety of your journey. Does your clinic offer a support group where you can chat to other couples going through tx at the same time? Keep posting on the forum as you'll never be short of support here.

X


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks so much ladies. It's so nice to have your support. If I'd known she was going to do it, it would still have been hard but I'd have been prepared. Just a text to say she was going to do it would have been fine. I was so anxious about going I nearly texted her to ask if she was going to announce it, just so I knew and could be prepared but my husband was convinced she wouldn't do it without giving me prior warning. 

I have had one session with a counsellor. I booked it when I felt even worse than I do now and when I saw her it was in the middle of a good couple of days. I'm going to try and see her this week. I think if I'm still like this in a couple of weeks I might go to the Dr and discuss medication as this daily crying and feeling so sad can't continue.

Thanks so much for your advice 
X


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Pregnancy talked about -please delete and message me if not allowed:

I think you are understandably sensitive but not OVERsensitive. She really should have told you in advance to allow you chance to prepare.



swanlake said:


> I think people fall into two camps when they've had struggles- and become pregnant- those who become really sensitive and empathetic- remembering what it felt like and trying their dampest and being thoughtful for what it feels like for you and those who for some reason I think just don't want to be reminded of the pain they have been through and throw themselves into being 'pregnant' and so become insensitive and thoughtless because the memories are too much (who knows?)


I agree that people fall into two camps and I must admit to being one of the latter.
I wasn't deliberately trying to forget and it wasn't about not remembering the pain. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn't believe it was really happening so I kept talking about it to check it was true with people who'd had experience, to (perhaps wrongly) encourage people who struggled that miracles can and do happen but mostly, as a person who has to talk out loud to think, to convince myself it was real. Even getting bigger, throwing up lots, losing weight, not being able to walk, feeling him move, a traumatic birth and having him put on me, it still didn't feel real. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. When they took him away to special care because he was early I lay there with empty arms thinking that that was reality and the baby couldn't be mine.

I'm not saying any of this to hurt and I truly feel blessed and amazed that this has happened but I just wanted to explain perhaps why people react in that way.

I think that perhaps when you're still waiting that sending a message saying that you're happy they've got what they always wanted but that as glad as you are for them, you're still struggling so to remember that if you can't/won't meet with her -it's just too hard.


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## chichi85 (Jul 22, 2015)

Hi Mrs c ,

I totally get where you coming from . That's ALOT to have dealt with after you tx failing and having news about de. 
Your friend doesn't sound malicious but she prob didn't think about how you was really feeling . Maybe she was too excited about her good news . 

If it was me , I would be clear now . She must know that this kinda news is going to be hard for you to deal with . I would send a txt and just explain that your going thought a lot at the moment ( I'm sure she already understands this ) and the whole pregancy /baby thing may be a little hard for you to be around at the mo. 

If in future you don't feel up for things , personally I wouldent go . It's horrible feeling like your ready to burst into tears at this certain things . I've decided that I'm gonna make the desion with friends /baby showers etc that if I don't feel emotionally ready I just won't go .  

I hope your ok , I don't think your over reacting  sending you love xxx


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## Beandreaming (Sep 14, 2012)

Mrs C, 

I felt so sad reading your post, I can't believe your friend did that to you, I don't think it takes much to be gentle & kind to friends who you know are having a tough time.  It happened in my group of friends recently, one of my friends had just lost a baby & another did a surprise 'I'm four months pregnant' announcement - I was appalled & I told her so afterwards - but I am more sensitive to it having done 9 rounds of treatment myself.  

I definitely think you should focus on yourself & feeling happier (counselling/whatever it takes) and don't be afraid to drop your friend an email just saying you are delighted for her but personally having a hard time so she shouldn't take it personally if you duck out of things - she'll probably have a baby shower etc in future and at least this gives her the opportunity to be thoughtful about you. 

Also, with regard to the DE suggestion, is it worth seeing if there is anything you can do to improve your egg quality.  I know there is only anecdotal evidence but I took Royal Jelly, Co Enzyme Q10 and ate/drank loads of protein before my successful cycle & the embryo quality improved.  i don't know anything about DE having not done that myself but definitely worth talking to your counsellor about to see if you can get your head around it.

Good luck - it's a bloody hard journey but don't give up on your dreams xxxx


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## swanlake (Nov 7, 2012)

Arrows 

Hello I am sorry yes I was trying to see things from every perspective and rea- reading  my post saying "becoming thoughtless etc " does sound harsher than I meant - I think you sum it up with another perspective too- and I totally get it too- my friend had been through mmc and treatments and got pregnant and she was so mindful of me that in the end I had to tell her to be herself and celebrate her pregnancy as because of what she had been through she deserved to happy and to be joyful, 
So thank you for explaining this 



Hope you are feeling ok Mrs c and some sessions with a counsellor sounds like a good plan 

Xxx


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## JemJams (Sep 24, 2014)

I'm so sorry Mrs C. I was hysterical when I found out my sister was expecting and at the time I felt really betrayed as she had supported me through all of my unsuccessful clomid/letrozol cycles and hadn't mentioned that she was trying or had been pregnant for 16 weeks whilst I cried on her shoulder!!! On hindsight I think she just didn't want to hurt me. I was also upset when I learned that I good friend, who had also struggled then announced that she was pregnant. I think for me the hurt and sadness was more about the loss of support rather than the fact that they were both pregnant as well as feeling isolated asI might never be part of that world- so many of my friends already had children and didn't really understand what I was going through and now these 2 people who did were joining that club. 

I was incredibly lucky and am currently expecting my little miracle however I would like to think that I a mindful to those who are still struggling. I didn't do a big announcement and found it awkward to tell people as I didn't believe that it was happening- even now at 26 weeks it still feels surreal, like the bubble will burst at any time!!! 

When I was in the midst of tx though I used to dream of making that big "surprise, I'm pregnant" announcement and all of the things I would do during my pregnancy. Maybe your friend is caught up in all that now that her dream is now a reality and that's why she was insensitive?? 

Hope you get there too. I had counselling and it really helped. 

xxx


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## Tryingtobstrong2015 (Sep 13, 2014)

My closest friend is also pregnant but she just has to sneeze and get pregnant. I have a constant lump in my throat when I speak to her as I don't want to choke yet want to still be happy for her. It's so so so hard. Hugs! I hope it gets better for you, it will happen for you xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Don't worry Swanlake, I didn't read it in any harsh way -I liked how you summed things up, I was just adding an extra perspective.


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## CarolDenise (Apr 14, 2016)

Hi everyone! I'm a new member and this is my first post. My husband and I are trying to conceive for 5years now. After several tests, we were told we have unexplained infertility. I have 2 best friends, the other one got married last january and got pregnant only after 2 months of trying. I was devastated. I felt like life is soooo unfair!!! What's worse is we share a flat and I see her everyday. I was even the first one to see that pregnancy test result. At that time, my husband and I were thinking of moving out for our sanity. I was sooo depressed..after a month, I was feeling slightly better thinking we are just waiting for our first IVF appointment. My other bestfriend was very supportive, I told her everything. She also got married last March and she even told me they'll wait for my IVF and wait for me to get pregnant. She's very supportive and I love her to bits. Yesterday, she told me she's pregnant! After 1 month!!! I didn't even know the were trying. I know I shouldn't be feeling this, I love them both so much and I'm feeling guilty but it really hurts soooo much... It's soul wrecking.....


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for their words and support. It's so helpful to be able to talk to to people who understand and get where I'm coming from.
CarolDenise- welcome. It's a horrible journey and out of it comes all sorts of emotions which 'normal' people can't even begin to understand. I too feel resentful when people get pregnant without even trying etc. All I can say to you is be kind to yourself- don't beat yourself up for feeling this way and use forums like this. Even just reading through previous posts and knowing I'm not alone is really helpful and that my thoughts (negative and awful as they are at times) are normal.
X


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## CarolDenise (Apr 14, 2016)

Mrs-C, thanks! My husband and I are considering moving out and get a place just for the two of us. We're thinking of separating ourselves from them for the meantime to keep our sanity. But the idea of moving out and staying away from our friends, our family here in the UK is also heartbreaking. But I don't think I can manage seeing them while their bellies get bigger, and they share their pregnancy journey together. I feel like an outsider - I could never be a part of the group no matter how supportive they are of us. I dont know what to do. I am a catholic and I believe and that everything will happen in God's perfect time. But I still feel so down...there are time when I can't sleep and just think about our infertility problems...


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## Mollsaus (Jun 21, 2014)

Hi, I haven't been on this forum for a while but I'm also really struggling at the moment with similar feelings. One of my closest friends told me last night she is pregnant and I haven't been able to stop crying since! I felt awful crying over the phone whilst she told me. Obv I am happy for her and she and husband had been trying for 18 months and due to start Ivf. Whilst I wouldn't wish the struggle on her that myself and dh are going through, it felt like I had an ally in her and my only close friend still ttc like myself. All of my friends ttc have now become pregnant or have kids and I feel like an epic fail    it's also difficult as we are just about to begin our final cycle and feeling already very emotional. 
Mrs c, can I ask how you are feeling now with your friend? I don't think that you are being over-sensitive at all. My friend did thankfully give me a heads up as I think she will announce it this weekend as we are due to meet up (with another pregnant friend) which I am now thinking of skipping as I don't think I can handle the conversations and just being with them knowing they are both carrying something I desperately wish to be carrying too. 
Caroldenise- I think moving out would be the kindest thing to do for yourself- I know I would find it too difficult living with someone whilst they were pregnant. 
Love to you all.


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## CarolDenise (Apr 14, 2016)

Hi Mollsaus! We are looking for a place now  and hopefully will be able to move out by the end of the month. I feel what you feel...I really think the best thing we can do now is to be kind to ourselves. They will never understand how we feel. The day my friend announced to the group that she is pregnant, I made an alibi and told her I couldn't come. My husband and I just went on a date as I'm  afraid I might cry in front of the group. This is a difficult journey and good thing we have this forum to remind us we are not alone and we have people who understand and support us...


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