# DH doesn't want a Xmas Tree!!



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls,

For the first time in 6 years of ttc, DH is now seeming to be bowing down to it.  He has always been the strong one for me and I hate to see him suffering.  He has told me he doesn't want us to put a tree up because what's the point - we dont have kids.

I am struggling to beat it myself so I said we should put one up because we managed to enjoy Xmas before ttc so why can't we try and get back to that place again.

SOOOO, I went out and bought a nice real tree, spent all day decorating it - put on the christmas CD (on my own like a saddo!) and decorated the tree - put all the lights up etc etc.  To my surprise, I found myself with tears rolling down my face.  It brought it all home.  I'm not so strong after all.

However, the moral of the story is ........ 3 hours later, I'm feeling OK again!

Girls, I REALLY believe that allowing yourself to get upset, but not dwell on things ...... and then get on with your day really does help.  It takes the pressure off.

Just thought this might help some of you who are struggling with this difficult time of year when all those Xmas cards come rolling in from friends and family, who like us, were once couples, but now have extra names to add to their cards.

Love to all
Gill xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Gill
Thanks sharing your thoughts with us......christmas has got to be one of the hardest times of the year for many people....Like you say its best to get it out into the open and have a good cry.... then try and move on....
I think we need to be honest with ourselves, to our partners and family and i think that helps to cope at this time of the year. Also to only deal with the things we can only cope with as we do not want anymore unneccesary hurt...
Sometimes i forget (infact alot) that my dh is also feeling the pain and loss and i do try to take this into account...
I think it was positive that you still went out to buy a tree because we cannot deprive ourselves of the other things that come with christmas....
I hope you have a good one....
love astridxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Thanks for your kind words Astrid (As always)

...... and I really hope you can enjoy a nice Christmas with Paul, lots of wine, and loads of NON-BMS!!!!  Oops - got a bit carried away there!

Take care
HUG
Gill x


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## FionaIm (Jun 10, 2002)

Hi Gill

Hope you don't mind me replying. TTC is a very stressful time for us all especially around Christmas time. Although every day can be a struggle too with people around us telling us they are pregnant. Try to think  of it as one day to be strong and try to enjoy it with DH even though he is not in the mood. I think it was  a  good idea to put up the tree but i am sorry you were upset.

Myself and DH started trying to conceive at this time of the year so it was always hard for us as every year we had been trying for yet another year and no success. 
However we are really really lucky and this year we have 2 new names to add on our Christmas cards and we are so proud and happy to be doing it. We were ttc for 7 1/2 years before we were successful and it was well worth the wait!!!! I always thought that we would not get a baby let alone two so it just shows how things can change in a short time.

I hope this year is not too painful for you both and you have some good news in the new year.
Love
Fiona


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

I can sympathise. Normally I look forward to putting the tree up. Last weekend I put it up but even though it looked really pretty, I was really sad. Going on a girly weekend tonight so looking forward to that. Hopefully there will be no unexpected announcements, but bound to be baby talk as friend had her first in May. Also, my mum has just announced she is engaged (even though she hasn't even divorced my dad yet!!) so that's a bit weird. 

I haven't written my Christmas cards yet. Is it sad to add my cats name on the cards?!! Her name is Gemma, it would be such a cute name for a little girl. Someone was saying on another thread about how her friends who are mums have also lost themselves too. I think that's very true. We have to look at ourselves and think about what we can give, regardless of whether we are mums are not we are all capable of being maternal in other ways; towards our partners, pets, strangers, friends' children etc. Children are a temporary thing anyway, they grow up, move on and then I expect people will have trouble coping with kids flying the nest etc. and dealing with finding themselves again and then couples split up because they realise they had put all energies into the kids and grown apart etc. so there are a lot of other sides to the coin.

It still sucks though!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi lucy
I have just read your posting with interest,.......it was also pointed out to me that we can be maternal in other areas of our lives as what you had written...I was struggling with these maternal instincts thinking maybe its only for a baby/child. But why switch it off it may be already part of our personalities..We may have so much to give that is already part of our makeup....There were so many thing raised from this workshop that i went on, that were positive things and as soon as i read your comment i thought hey you are so right...
Maybe we have qualities that need to be developed because of the depth of pain and anguish we have expereinced over the years that we have some thing special...
Have a great Christmas....
Lots of love Astridxxx
p.s hey Lucy i love my dog Meg and want to shout to the whole world that she is a part of my life as well...people do not always recognise that and think i am mad...well who cares, do what you like Gemma sounds as if she is one lucky little soul to have you...xx


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

Here here Astrid and Lucy

sod what people think of us with our pets, I sign every/any card from our dog and cat too. The dog knows very well what 'shall we go and see grandama?' means. I even buy pressies for Harrys doggie friends from him too. I really dont care if people think I am stupid, they are like kids to us and that is the bottom line.

love Lou xxx


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Hi girls

I too love my dog to death and put his name on the cards this year so had an extra name to add (Oscar he's called) people do think Im mad the way i go on about him but I dont care, he's the only babe I'll ever have.

As for being maternal towards partners WELL thats another story.  Ive done it for 9 years for my husband and Ive just about had enough of cooking cleaning and doing EVERYTHING for him that I'm actually considering leaving him after Xmas.  I know this sounds harsh but I need time to be alone a rediscover myself and I honestly dont see him in my future as my husband.

Sorry girls for a negative reply.  Hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas & New Year.

Love Kerry xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Kerry and Lou
I think its so positive that you feel about your little ones because i love my dog to bits...actually she is my furry daughter and all my friends just respect that....she comes everywhere and has been to funerals, parties, guest houses, pubs etc...she leads a better life than alot of people...hey Lou and Kerry you made me laugh... ...yeah sod it....
Kerry i hope that you do find yourself and i think if you have come to these decisions about yourself and DH, they must have been building up for a long time,.....i think when you are in this position it does get you to look at every aspect of your life....its not about being negative because you are looking for positve things in your life it just takes a while to discover what you want....good luck...and i hope you do get some good out of your Christmas...
Lots of love Astridxx


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

I too have a furrybaby,her names roxy and shes my lovely cat,shes 14  and i have always signed her name on all the cards i send,she even has a paw print next to her name...lol ..and at christmas my speacial friends get a card from her ....(they do them from the cat and dog now...oh and too the cat and dog...lol ...she gets one every year....


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