# Scared we are heading for a breakdown



## sweets x

Hi.
Need some advice, again!!
Quick history, our three year old has been with us for two months now and we have had contact weekly with her sister, who is 20 months ever since. She is coming to live with us too   
However, things are not working out the way we and s/w and f/c have hoped.
We have took her to the park a few times and she was fine, although did keep looking for f/c at times.
She has been to our house and comes upstairs and outside with us, but f/c were in background.
They felt it was ready for us tohave her on her own. The first time she was here for about 40mins then became quite upset so I took her back to meet them.
Last week I picked her up again and she cried for an hour and was not very easily distracted. Took her back to f/c and she was ok again. 
However, yesterday at f/c's, she didn't want to come near us, especially me (daddy wasn't here at last contact at ours) and we never had any physical contact at all for three hours. Before the visits without f/c's she did come for hugs, kisses, tickles etc...
Dh and I are worried that things are going to breakdown. We are due to start intros mid November so she can be home for christmas. 
Any advice on how we can help her settle with us more.
Is so upsetting that we feel we have had a major step back, just want our youngest home and settled where she belongs.
Sweets x x x


----------



## keemjay

hi sweets
sorry things seem like they arent working out they way you hoped.
i'm not sure what to advise except to maybe go back to where you started and begin again with short visits with f/c there and gradually build up..more gradually than before..it seems like maybe her confidence with the situation has been shaken and she needs more security with it all..i'm presuming its the same FC..if so then she has watched whats happened with her sis moving on and perhaps is trying to make sure it doesnt happen to her too? even at that v young age they can be wiser than you think..
before we started 'formal' intros with DS (he was 9 months) we had loads of very short visits at FC and then with FC at ours..3x a week in the last couple of weeks..those were really just to familiarise him with us and the house and then we started the intros just as normal..
  dont despair i'm sure it will all be fine in the end, it might just take some extra work to get there. and perhaps dont pin all your hopes on a wonderful normal happy christmas..you might have to tone it down more than you thought..

kj x


----------



## sweets x

Thanks Keemjay. The girls were with seperate f/c and thats why they being moved in seperately to ours. 
She has been shook up and really want to help her but don't want to scare her off.
Have thought about getting her one of them photo books that can record voices, she currently has a normal photo album same as her sister but we don't think the f/c's are showing it to her


----------



## Boggy

Hi Sweets  

It sounds to me like things are being taken too slowly.  Your LO must be completely confused seeing you each week but still being in FC.    She won't know whether she's coming or going, and will be picking up the signs that one day she'll leave FC for good, but as she has no concept of when that'll be she's becoming more clingy towards them. 

I think you almost need to start intros now - not for her to move in yet but to get a structure in place.  Children feel so much more safe and secure when there are boundaries in place.    Perhaps you could closely timetable your contacts and stick to it for a few weeks, then towards the offical intros slowly begin to make changes.  It may feel like you are starting from scratch, but might help.

For example, say you had 3 hours.  During that 3 hours you would spend some time with FC, have a snack (which will become an indicator to her that you are going out together), then go out for a while - do a low key activity together, then return and slip straight back into the routine FC's would normally do with her but you taking the lead role.  She will learn the routine, and know that she is returning to FCs so may be more likely to show affection and interact with you.  Hard as it is, don't worry too much about the affection - she'll be confused at the moment and clinging to what she knows, but this will pass.    Once she knows where she's going to be - literally knows where she is sleeping that night, she'll begin to transfer her attachment.  

When Dino came to join us, we met him once then intros didn't start until 2 weeks later.  It worked well for us.  I'm not sure how I would have coped with seeing him every week.    

The fun will really begin when she moves in........   

Hope that helps a little
Bx


----------



## sweets x

Boggy, you are absolutely right. Things have dragged on too long now and she don't know whats going off. 
We have said we will start from scratch again with f/c's staying when they come in a few days. 
I do take a snack every week and she comes to me for it normally. Yesterday she never and would only take it from teddy (being held by daddy).
F/c's say they think it will all be ok but I can't help but think they are jepardising (sp) things too.


----------



## Anjelissa

Hi sweets,

WOW...is it 2 months already!!?   that seems to have flown by! I hope you are nicely settled into a routine with your little miss and things are going well with her    

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going so smoothly with her little sister   
I agree with Boggy, it really does sound like things are being taken too slowly and ss are dragging things out for whatever reason. It's hardly suprising that the poor little thing doesn't know if she is coming or going   
Have they explained why they have arranged the intos to be so drawn out?
Unless there are particular reasons that would make this the best course of action for your little girls transition from FC to yourselves, I would liken it to ripping a plaster off slowly, surely it's of no benefit to anyone? 
Even if the FC are instrumental in dragging things out, surely it will be more painful in the end for them too by extending the process.

I hope things start moving forward for you and hopefully when they do and she is home where she belongs, the attachment can finally start to begin and grow as it should   

Lots of love Anj x x


----------



## sweets x

Thanks Anj. Well, little one came today with f/c and was a very good visit. Little steps. Xx


----------



## Daizy

Hi Sweets,
I completely agree with Boggy, the length of introductions seems extremely excessive. Our little one was 16 months when she came home and our introductions took place over 7 days (we met her on the Monday, and she came home for good the following Monday), by day 4 she was getting extremely distressed - I actually would have had her home on day 5 (and I told SW this). 
On the morning of day 4 she ran away in terror at the very sight of us. It was a very difficult morning, we had to take her out on our own (as was the plan) and it was very frightening, for us and the little one - somehow I managed to muster (hubby was driving, I sat in the back with our daughter) some strength and confidence though - and she was calm within 30 minutes of us leaving. She has been home almost 3 months now, and the fact that she had such a secure attachment with her foster carers (with whom she had been since birth) has proven to be an absolute blessing. She has managed well with transferring that attachment to us, we had bonded however in the past 2 or 3 weeks she has been seeking me out in a busy room and coming to me for reassurance before toddling off to play again (the first time she did it I wanted to punch the air in joy, however no one else would have gotten the significance, so I stayed calm lol). 
It WILL get easier (though it may get a wee bit tougher first!), so hang in there.
D x


----------



## sweets x

Thanks D. Glad all is going well.

Yesterdays visit went well too. She took food from me and gave me her pop bottle. Played with my bag and purse sat next to me for a good half hour. We all interacted on the floor. Then, time for hugs and kisses would only go to sis and daddy. 
Wish i knew how to make her more comfortable with me. Think she sees me.as the one who takes her away!!
Did buy her a little doll (and her sis) last week but am concious about buying her too much too.
Also, we have a touch of green eyed monster from big sis, mainly towards me. 
Dh and i are both concious about the possibility of this. We talk about littlest coming alot and how bigger one will always have a playmate to try and stop any jealousy.

Any advice??


Sweets xx


----------



## cindyp

Sweets

Glad the visit went well, can't believe they wanted to stretch the intros so much.

First thing I would recommend is that you accept the jealousy that your oldest DD is feeling.  Just seen a really good speaker at the AUK conference this weekend.  One of the main things he said is that we have to accept our children's feelings not to try and persuade them that the feeling is wrong.  Don't refer to little sis as a playmate for her, in her eyes little sis is a threat and nothing else.  It is not just a question of jealousy it is also a question of fear.  If Mum and Dad are getting another child then maybe I am not good enough for them maybe they will reject me in favour of the new girl?  How will they be able to look after me and look after the new child?  It doesn't matter how much or what you say to DD because these fears are not conscious and not logical.  You want them to get on and love each other but that is not going to come naturally and one of the hardest things to do is accept that it may take time.

You don't need to buy her lots of things, especially if that is not something you used to do.  Just carry on spending as much time as you can with her, reassure her that you will continue to love her, keep little sis's arrival low key and gradually she will hopefully accept the new addition to the family.


----------



## Old Timer

Good to hear the visits are going better, it does sound very long and drawn out and confusing for LO.
We have just been through intros with a LO (14months) who had been with FC since birth and VERY attached.  FC found it hard to let go and delayed moving date and made things very difficult which didn't help with tranferring the attachment, there was no encouragement or reassurance from FC to LO at all.  I had to stamp my feet to get intros moved to our accommodation as I knew until we had time alone with LO we were going to get no where.  Sure enough without FC around LO was able to attach to me and looked to me the same as she was the FC.  Since we have been home (2 weeks) LO has been great, no sleeping or eating issues - nothing at all, she has really come out of her shell and is such a lovely funny little girl.  We are having to work on the attachment to DH slowly but its getting better every day.
As for jealousy, our DS has been home over 3.5 years and is very attached to us and desparate for a little sister, he couldn't have been more prepared for this.  BUT he has still found it hard, the reality of sharing Mummy, of having to think about someone else and watch them having cuddles etc.  DD has also found it hard though and gets jealous of DS having cuddles.  Your elder DD has been home 2 months and isn't going to be sure of things yet, her life was turned upside down not long ago and she is still trying to work out where she belongs and who she can trust (this will take a long time) so having another LO coming in and taking attention away from her is going to be hard.  I assume they had contact while in FC and she 'knows' that LO is her sister  When LO moves in it will be hard too.
Its hard when a 2nd child comes home, you aren't able to give them as much attention as you gave the first simply because you already have a child.  It can be a bit of a juggle making sure you make enough time for both but its getting easier.
Good luck
OT x


----------



## sweets x

OT- thanks for the advice. Yes, LO knows she is her sister. She is also excited about her coming and even talks about helping her. We are trying to keep the balance good between them both when they are together.

Had a really  good and long visit at f/c the other day. She even walked off holding mummies hand and cried when i gave her back to f/c.

Then visit at ours yesterday was also good. Played in kitchen alone with me and sis with f/c in the lounge. Thought we'd try a walk since she had wanted to go with me earlier in the week. She managed out of the gate before wanting f/c. We all walked together for a bit then they sped off. She was fine for a bit then cried and kept trying to run back the way we came. Met daddy and carried her back to our house. She cried and paddied trying to get out the door. 

What can we do to make it easier for her? We try to destract her, hug her but she turns away from us and screams.
When f/c came back she did soon settle and played again.
Still kisses all round, including mummy at home time so things are getting better.

Just know its gonna be so hard and upsetting for her and really dont want that for her.

Any advice??

Sweets xx


----------



## cindyp

Wish I could offer some useful advice Sweets.

It's horrible to watch your child getting so upset but I'm not sure there is a lot more you can do than you are already doing.  Hopefully if you continue to be there for her and show her that you care she will gradually come round to the new situation.

Hope things get easier for you all.

Cindy


----------



## Old Timer

Hi Sweets
I don't know what else you can do tbh, it is going to be hard for LO and the way this is being done and the timescales in my mind only makes it harder and more confusing for her.
At the moment, until you are in proper intros, I think she will always be looking for FC as her main comfort/carer.  I think that when intros start properly and you get time alone with her things will happen and she will transfer her attachment to you.  At the moment she has to stay attached to FC because that is her safe base, you are currently someone she visits or who visits her and the timescales involved mean nothing to her, FC saying this is Mummy and Daddy will, imo, confuse her more about your roles, Mummy & Daddy come and go but FC is constant.......
Have you been able to do any of the caring for her, ie changing nappy, feeding her, putting her down for naps?  If she is letting you do this then it shows she is somewhat confortable with you.  
I really feel for you all, this is a difficult situation and very confusing for both girls.
OT x


----------



## sweets x

Thanks Cindy and OT. Yes, i change her nappy and give drinks, have meals sometimes (at f/c). 
We should be starting full intros two weeks tomorrow. 

At yeaterdays visit both girls played all around lower floor of the house rather than little lo in same room as f/c. Did also interact with mimmy, and also called me mummy lol, nearly cried. 
Let me put her shoes etc..on and gave kisses and hugs. No alone time suggested yesterday and i am glad. Think after a little upsetting contact for her last time a big postitive one was needed.

Sweets xx


----------



## Old Timer

Aaaahhhhh   
Am sure all will work out well when you get to proper intros and bringing her home.
OT x


----------



## Tulipwishes

Hi I dont know your situation, but it sounds like things are getting better, when intro's start it will more than likely get your daughter bonding with you better, just like your elder daughter did.

Good luck xx


----------



## Old Timer

Hi sweets

Hope all is going well with #2, is she home yet?

OT x


----------



## sweets x

thanks boleyn xxx
OT- all is going very very well. Intros were alot smother than we thought. LO has been home just over a week. She is getting more attached to me too now, more than daddy at times which is good as he back at work soon. Still hadnt given mummy kisses until last night. Asked her to give daddy and her sis kisses which she did, then asked if mummy could have one and she ran with arms wide open and gave me five. Very very emotionally happy mummy. Hope all is well with you xxx


----------



## Old Timer

That's fantastic news sweets, so pleased for you    
Sounds as though all is going well, enjoy those kisses   
All wells here thanks.  DD is amazing and so funny.
OT x


----------



## sweets x

OT- thats good hunny. Both the girls have us in stitches. Youngest woke at 12 ish the other night singing hokey kokey and playing hide and seek with her cat cat teddy. xx


----------

