# Egg sharing dilemma



## neon8 (Aug 14, 2006)

Hi all,
Went to see consultant last week who told me and hubby that we needed to have IVF. The cost is significantly higher if you undergo your own cycle than if you egg share. (£2,500 per cycle compared to £125 as donor).
It felt like we were getting the 'hard sell' and I know there is a shortage of donors. The thing we are having trouble getting our heads around is not so much the donating part but what if the person comes to find us in eighteen years and we are still childless? How would that make my husband and I feel to know that a part of me grew in someone else. Also that the person would have no link to hubby, so in effect I have partnered a child with someone else but never with him.
It all feels like emotional blackmail, we don't have great amounts of cash. What a difficult ethical dilemma. Anyone else feel the same? How did you get around it all in your head?
Thanks


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya

Welcome to the egg share board

I am sorry to read u need IVF, and altho i think the ladies who eggshare are fabulous (i looked into it a few yrs back) it isnt for everyone

Sorry i cant help with your questions, however the ladies on this board who have done eggshare have been thru similar emotions, and i am sure they will be able to offer some advice, also if u do a search of this board using the search button, you will be sure to find a few similar posts.

Wishing u your dream come true whichever avenue you and your DH choose to follow

Best wishes

Emxx


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## *kateag* (Jun 20, 2006)

Hi, welcome to the board. 

What you are going through is what most of us have gone through I think? I know when we found out we needed IVF and we looked into the egg share route we went through a range of emotions, starting with the panic of what to do if a child did contact us in 18 years time. 

The one thing that helped me the most, was a friend of mine asked me if I needed donor eggs to have a baby would I use them, and my answer would be yes. As it would be me pregnant with the child, give birth and watch it grow up. That helped me a lot, as any woman who is prepared to use donor eggs will love their child so much. There is no guarentee that the child would contact you, as you havent given a baby away, it was an egg, that would have been thrown away had you not have gone through ivf (or have even been created) 

If the child were to contact you, it would be for no "family" reason, its completely different to adoption (took me a while to get my head round that) 

egg sharing isnt for everyone, and if it not right for you, then say so, you cant be forced into it. IVF is expensive, and sharing does reduce the cost, but not the questions and heartache that come with infertility.

Good luck with your decision. 

xxxx


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Neon

Welcome to FF!

Hun, I completely understand how you're feeling.  The thoughts your having as Kate has said is something we've all thought about.  However, as Kate also says if the child did come to find you in 18 years it would be merely out of curiosity not because it was looking for a parent as in Adoption circumstances.

Personally, dh and I feel that if I dont get pg but someone else does then it will make all the aggro and torment of doing the cycle worthwhile because someone's dream will have come true even if it's not ours!! Whereas if we didn't eggshare and we get a bfn then it will have all been in vain.  You need to have a good think about it and if in the end it's not for you then so be it, it isn't for everyone. 

 with whatever you decide to do, I hope your dreams come true! 

Amanda xxx


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## Guest (Nov 26, 2006)

hi neon,
im about to start eggshare too, i agree with the other ladies.
i dont know if you've been told this but if the child contacts hfea and says they want to get in touch with you, hfea contact you and ask. you can say no and not have any involvment at all. 
alot of people (including myself) thought that an 18yr old would be knocking on my door one day but it isn't really like that babe.
if you read thru the other boards you will come across egg recipiants and when you hear their storys you really will want to help them.
my mum asked me if i won the lottery would i just have straight forward ivf, my answer was no because i feel i want to help someone else (although i would also pay for their treatment  )

read as much as you can before making any decisions hun and if you decide against eggshare nobody here will judge you, its a personal decision and obv not one to be taken lightly  

take care, were here if you need us, love maz xxx


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## neon8 (Aug 14, 2006)

Hi girls,

Thank you all so much for answering my questions. The hardest part of this whole thing is that my friends and family can not truly understand how we are both feeling about treatment. They try very hard but it isn't the same as getting in contact with other people who are going through similar things. Knowing you are all facing similar issues makes me feel less of an alien!

Again, thanks
neon8


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## MissSunshine (Apr 2, 2006)

Hi Neon8 

I have recently been accepted to Egg Share, and it's not a decision to take likely. My DH and I had counselling last week (it's compulsory at our clinic) and not that we were in any doubt that we wanted to do it, it just made us realise that the likelyhood of someone coming to find me in 18yrs time was unlikely. With adoption there has been an initial rejection, but with Egg Share, that baby is wanted, so so wanted. So if anyone _did_ come looking, it would only be out of curiosity, not a mother/child relationship because they would already have that! 

I hope this helps. Everyone on here is just wonderful, and we are all here for each other. 

Take care, and  with the decision making, 
love Rhonda.xxxx


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## alexia (Jun 26, 2006)

Neon

It is a huge step to take.

I would never of even thought about donating before this year.  I had both tubes taken in June and so would never be able to conceive naturally.
A friend told me about e/s as we would definately struggle to find the funds.

As i was in the infertile position i thought a lot about other women in a similar position who would never have a biological child. At least my eggs are of good quality and if i could donate some as well as get my own tx i felt this was the biggest gift u could give someone.

I was worried about being contacted but as kate said, they would probably only want to know a bit of background.  Its different from adoption where the child was given away. In this case the child will always know they were really wanted.

I shared for the first time last month and i had a BFN.  I hope to share again in the new year. I am happy with my choice but it was a hard decision . Only you know if u can live with ur choice.

xxx


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## megan2812 (Jan 19, 2006)

Hi Neon

I know that you have had lots of replies and comments but I wanted to tell you about my recent experience.

I recently opted to eggshare and was accepted. At egg collection I ended up not having enough eggs to share and had to make the tough decision of what to do. I decided to give my eggs to the recipient as I felt that she needed them more than I did as I will have more chances. I was due to start a cycle for myself in January but before I went ahead I wanted to find out what happened to my recipient. I found out two weeks ago that she is pregnant with twins, I was absolutley over the moon. Then last week I found out that I have become pregnant naturally!!! 

Its not a process that would suit everyone but I personally feel so fulfilled. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Megan xx


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## *kateag* (Jun 20, 2006)

Wow Megan congratulations hun! Thats fantastic news, on both partys. 

It is a very hard choice to make, and only you can decide yourself which way to go.
xxx


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## Guest (Nov 30, 2006)

wow megan, they say what goes around comes around hey   your very lucky, you must have someone looking down on you whos very proud


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## caz nox (Mar 9, 2005)

Wow Megan - that is wonderful news. That is pure good karma! 

Must admit for me to help another woman/family who is as desperate as me is wonderful. I cannot wait to help them out and be part of their dream. But, of course everyone is different. Luckily all my family agree with me (bit of a hippy family) so I am getting full support. 

Best of luck in what you decide.


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