# Adopting?



## Tillyp (Apr 26, 2005)

Hi

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but here goes.

Ive been TTC for some time now, we had a free IVF go which unfortunately was
a BFN.  I was absolutely devastated when this happened and we then decided to have one more go but obviously we will have to save up and then go for it - prob early next year.

Ive discussed adoption with my dh but he is absolutely adamant that he cant adopt, he feels he cannot love another persons child and wont discuss it, ive said to him that my having donor eggs means they are not genetically mine but I would love that child no matter what.  It makes no difference.

I know that I cant go through life without being a mother, but I also know I cant keep going through ivf and countless rejections - im so sick of people saying they know people that have done ivf and got twins and so on and trying to be happy when surrounded by pregnant women.  I also know that Im not getting any younger.

Im now not sure that I can be happy with my relationship as it is knowing that he wont even think about adopting, ive agreed to have one more go at the ivf but he knows that if it doesnt work i want to adopt.

How can I stay in a relationship where it all depends on the outcome of ivf which is supposed to be stress free when I know if it doesnt work I cant stay with him.

Im so sorry to waffle I just need to talk to someone about this who may understand and help.


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi hun 

firstly big hug 

All i can say is that sometimes men take longer to come around to the idea. My dh was very much lets have lots of tx and we would think about fostering/adoption at a later time
However things didnt work out that way and we were stuck with no more tx for forseeable future and him saying not ready or may never be ready for fostering/adoption.

then last sept he blurted out of no where that maybe we should just enquire about fostering but wasnt promising anything, well if you look at my signature you will see im waiting for that call any day now for my first placement. 

I really do think its easier for us as we have ff to vent/decide/ask questions where as they dont.
Im not saying my dh is like everyone but i know men do stew over things for quite sometime 

Sorry not really much help but just wanted to tell you my experience of it 


xx


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## BettySpaghetti (Sep 21, 2006)

Hi,

I was just about to reply when I saw Suzie's reply below pop in!  I was really only reading this section out of interest, as we are about to undergo our 2nd IVF attempt, however, I felt that I wanted to respond.

I have always wanted to adopt, long before I knew I was going to have future problems in conceiving naturally!  

I had a lot of conversations with my husband about this over the 5 years we have been together and have found that the more I speak to him and just explain what I see to be the positives of adoption, the more I can see him softening to the idea.  

We have now agreed that we will try IVF only 3 or 4 times.  We both agreed we, personally, wouldn't want to go down the donor route, which leaves only 1 option if you want a family, and this is adoption and now he is far more open to these discussions and I do believe when it comes down to it he will be with me on it rather than against me.      

I would never have thought this even a couple of years ago!!  As Suzie says, it sometimes just takes men a bit longer to come round to these things.

Good luck - your husband is a very important person in your life and you should let him know how you really feel about this and at what a deep level it goes.  Having children is such an emotive subject, but I am sure he loves you very much and it would never have to come down to you leaving your relationship in order for you to have the family you desire.  You have already come this far along this journey together

Hope this helps... at least a little!!

xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
Sorry to hear your tx failed, the first BFN is always so hard to deal with, though it doesn't get any easier no matter how many you go through!  I did 8 icsi cycles, got 1 BFP on #4 which I lost at 12 weeks, since then nothing but BFNs.  When we first started out we didn't want to adopt and we were given no reason to believe we would find ourselves needing to but you can just never tell how life is going to work out.  After our 3rd BFN we decided adoption was an option and we nearly didn't do the 4th tx.  Its certainly not been easy to let go of ivf after having been pg but we decided the MOST IMPORTANT thing for us is to have a family and that is why we are moving on.  People do change their minds and maybe you and your DH just need to talk more, tell him how important a family is to you and how hard you find ivf.

Its early days for you, most people do tend to get a BFP within 3 or 4 goes, with lots not needing more than 2 goes.  FIngers crossed you are one of them!


Good luck
OT x


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

without wanting to repeat what the others have which is good advice my DH too was the same, when we found out his IF (make factor intially) he was adamant that he did not want to adopt yes he was ok with us using a sperm donor - time moved on after various tx etc and in the end i think he realised that he wanted to be a DAD regardless of how we got there.  Men do take longer than us ladies to make their mind up - no multi-tasking there!!!.

Of course we hope that it all works for you but if not u are welcome back here. xxx


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

My DH didn't fully come on board with the idea of adopting until we were half way through our prep groups.  He wanted us to continue with tx and hoped that the prep courses would put me off or that I would change my mind.  Instead they changed his mind and became 100% convinced that adoption was right for us.  It was meeting adoptive dads and seeing their relationship with their adoptive kids that turned him around.


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, my dh also did not want to adopt as he felt he would not love an adopted child as much as our natural son.  But then my friend adopted (she also had a natural son) and he saw how the whole family loved the adopted child and how well the adopted child fitted in so my dh changed his mind and agreed to look into adoption.  Since then we have been approved and are waiting for a match.  Hope your dh changes his mind too.

All the best


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Dawn

I'm so sorry to hear of you feeling so down  

Hunny, i think you should think of the tx first, who knows you may not even have to make the adoption decision!  If i was you i'd focus more on the ivf and not beyond, who knows what the future holds?

Have you told him that you cannot be childless?  How does he feel about never being a father?  Maybe he's just being positive about the IVF and thinking that there is no need to think about adoption just yet?

On the adoption front - I just wanted to say that my dh came round alot after we'd been to an information evening.  They're held in Chelmsford Town hall on the first or second tuesday of every month (i think) Maybe you could just ask him to go along one evening and then see how he feels after that?  There is no need to make a yes or no decision straight away without even looking into it first....

Huge Hugs Hunny and you know where I am if you fancy a chin wag  

Kim xxxx


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## Tillyp (Apr 26, 2005)

Oh guys thanks so much for all your replies  

Sorry took me so long to reply to them but havent been on for a few days.

Myself and my other half have had so many problems over the last couple of years that TTC was just a part of them.  I know, heart of hearts that he will never adopt as he is incredibly stubborn and once he has made up his mind thats it.

Im still very confused and feel so sad most of the time, I think part of me is still scared about going through ivf because of watching that horried pregnancy test coming up as negative.  I really feel and hope that I could make such a difference to a child or even children by adoption and I really need to sort my head out and just move on.

Why is life so flipping hard?

ps Kimmy, thanks for that, I went to an adoption info thing at Chelmsford, I asked my other half to come with me but he flat out refused


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## SpookedOut (Mar 18, 2005)

Hello TillyP

I am so sorry to see that you are having such a hard time. I can relate to your message. My d/h was against adoption initially. I had started to look at it from the international point of view and called him over to the computer sometimes to show him the amazing stories you can find on the internet about international adoption. This tweaked his interest, but he said he wanted us to have a kid of our own, if we were going to have kids at all. This continued until he saw the impact that treatment was having on me, the toll that each failed cycles took and the destructive effect treatment was having on our lives. I think he felt protective towards me and didn't want me to have to go through any more treatment as it's so hard. At that stage, I asked him to help me look at adopting a baby from abroad for us to have as an alternative if our treatment didn't work. He did so, but he did so because of me. It's now something on our agenda if our last cycle fails. 

Only you will know how to get round him. But it sounds like you may need to use your feminine wiles to get him curious first, interested second and finally, keen to investigate further. Slowly, slowly catch the monkey. Leave literature lying around where you know he'll find it - stuff with a positive angle. Get preliminary info from your authorities. if you are going to have to do another cycle, make sure you're open with him about just how hard it is. Don't try and be the brave soldier. Try and get his protective instinct to kick in. it might not make him change his mind, but it might help to budge him to discussing things openly with you rather than just point blank refusing. Hoepfully, you'll be able to move forward from there. 

Good luck - I hope you get resolution!

Spookedout


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