# Newbie really needs support



## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Hi ladies

So this is my first post after weeks of plucking up the courage to join! 

Where do I start..? DH and I have been ttc for 2 and a half years. He has a spinal injury so we always knew there was a chance we would need help to have a baby. It turns out he has a very low sperm count and zero motility, so we need to have icsi. I started d/r for our first cycle on Tuesday so we are finally on our way!  

On Christmas Eve last year, my younger sister told us that she was pregnant (first attempt). She is my best friend and I so wanted to be happy for her, but I am ashamed to say that I just felt so desperately heartbroken that it hadn't happened for us that I cried all night. 

In January our GP referred us to our local hospital, so while we were going through all the tests and waiting for our ivf referral, my sister was getting ready for her baby. I live 200 miles away from my family so it has been too easy to stay away. I have hardly seen them this year cos I just couldn't bear to be around her. I have missed out on the best time of my sister's life because it killed me to watch her getting bigger.

The baby was born last week and we are going to see them this weekend. I really want to be excited and happy for her but I am dreading it. I know it will tear me apart. What makes it worse is that the last time I saw them, just before the baby was born, I fell out with my sister's husband after he said to me "if you can't have a baby of your own why can't you just be happy to be an auntie?"

I am surrounded by people who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and no one understands why I find it so painful to be around them. Everyone keeps telling me that I should just be happy for my sister. My Grandma said she can't stand to see me behaving like this, that I should stop worrying about myself and if it is meant to be it will be. I am starting to feel like I am not part of my own family any more. I just feel so totally alone and I don't know how to get through this.

I would really be grateful for any help and advice  x


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## Dramaqueen88 (Jun 30, 2014)

Hi Emmy,

Welcome!

You are not alone in what you are feeling towards your sister. Last week my closest friend announced (not so nicely) that she was pg and it broke me. I didn't stop crying all day and we returned early from a break away we were taking. I have avoided her since and don't know when/how I will be able to put these feelings behind me and see her. 

I can't imagine how hard it has been for you especially as it is your sister. Hurtful comments from your family don't help, I've said that unless you are going through IF yourself, you couldn't begin to imagine how it feels to have pregnant women all around you. 

What I am beginning to understand is that you need to look after #1. Other than that I'm not sure I can offer any advice but just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one who feels like it.

You are in safe hands here the ladies are so supportive!


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## Goldrush (May 11, 2014)

Hi emmylou , 

I read your post and it reminded me of what I went through and still am .  My younger sister fell pregnant and I just couldn't cope, I only saw her a few times through her pregnancy as there is a long distance , but it was so hard for me . I was protecting myself , I did feel awful for having those feelings . When my nephew was born I felt so nervous about going , but you know when I got there and I picked him up , I was fine , it was hard but I got through it , I kept holding on to fact that I will one day be holding my baby like this . I hope you can talk to your sister and find some support x

I used to worry a lot about what family members thought etc but I just don't put myself in those situations any more . You have to do what is right for you . 

Try and keep positive , think that you are on the road and one step closer to that baby . Take care lovely xxx I started down reg yesterday ! I'm on a fet cycle x hope it goes well this weekend x


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

Hi
Well done for posting, you've taken a great step to getting great support and making some friends who know what you are going through.  This forum was honestly my life line but it is addictive!   


When we found out my partner has 0 sperm we were devastated and commenced the IF journey. I remember all of those feelings very well. Within months of us telling our family the position we were in both of my sisters (both younger) told me they were pregnant. I found it impossible to deal with and we are close, we avoided all sorts of events, I couldn't' talk to them on the phone and found it really really hard. I felt that they had eachother and were enjoying it together (we live just over 100 miles away from both too) and then there was me going through all sorts of investigations, arguing with PCTs, reading everything and anything I could..... ! It is still with me and I still recall all sorts of occasions and how tx affected them.  We did miss lots of family events as they were just too hard. I did have counselling at the time - part of our donor sperm counselling but I used it a lot to talk about these feelings. I did end up sending emails as found that easier. I still feel bad that I wasn't there for them and distanced myself as I did but at the time could do nothing else.  Even last year, and we know how blessed with our gorgeous boy and after 5 attempts for a sibling we were lucky enough to get a BFP on Friday, we went to my nieces Christening 2 days after finding out our 4th attempt for a sibling had failed - my memories of that day are tainted by how sad I felt. I nearly didn't go but just felt that I had to. 


I honestly believe babies are easier to deal with than bumps - still very hard but easier. What your BIL said was cruel and shows no appreciation at all - I sent all of my family some of the guides from some of the fertility sites - guides specifically for families and close friends - what to say, what not to say, how to show support etc. and I asked them to read them all, I also sent them other links so that they had some understanding.  I think you should communicate your worries and feelings to your sister about the visit and try and have some privacy for that first 'meeting'. 


I know how you feel and you have to be selfish and do what is right for you, I think you need to communicate in some way with your family so that they can try and appreciate what you are going through and how you feel. 


Please use this site to vent and get support, consider counselling through your IVF unit too, I found it really helpful. 


Huge good luck with it xx


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## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Thank you so much ladies for your words of wisdom 

I have felt so bad that I've hardly seen or spoken to my sister for months, but it was the only way I could cope. It's like a big weight has been lifted hearing that other people understand how I feel!

xx


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Emmylou

We have a great board here for Coping with Infertility - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0 you'll see you are not alone.

My best friend got pregnant (unplanned) when I was TTC and it was so tough. I don't think people understand unless they have been through it.

As you have started cycling already why not join the cycle buddies thread here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=68.0 it's a great place to share the experience with those going through similar things

KA xxx


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

PS maybe asking your family to read this article may help them empathise http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-wiens/infertility-words_b_3319325.html

/links


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## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

Hi EmmyLou, welcome to FF, you'll find lots of support & advice on here! Good luck with meeting the new baby. I can empathise with how you feel too, but I forced myself to still be involved. My twin sister and I started TTC together as we wanted to raise them together. She struggled but eventually became pregnant. As difficult as it was, for both of us, I was still involved all the way during her pregnancy. Her son is now just over 2.5yrs and is without a doubt my favourite one! (I have 11 nieces & nephews!) Hiwever, he is almost blind and needs a lot of care still. He only staring walking aided this week, but I cried with pride when I heard this! 


Every now and then I get tearful when I see them, as it makes it so raw that we still don't have a child. I'll sit there cuddling him & will find a tear rolling down my cheek. but my sister isn't offended, she understands and she has been my rock all the way through our journey so far. If your sister is like your best friend, have you opened up & told her just how difficult it all is for you? It really is so easy to become isolated, and sometimes that's the best thing to do, but I just wanted to say that make sure you don't have any regrets. I think of it a little like this - if DH & I finally get our child, I'd like to know that my twin will be there for me just as I was for her. (I already know the answer as she's been there for me holding my hand during many a spinal operation!). 


Big hugs    And good luck with your cycle! I too would recommend finding the thread with your cycle buddies, that's been a huge help to me during our journey!


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## lis16uk (Aug 15, 2014)

hi Emmy, i know exactly how you feel. 

my sister announced she was expecting her first child (and had pretty much got pregnant straight away).

a few months into her pregnancy she asked when we thought we might want to start a family, so we admitted we had already been trying quite a while. Another few months down the line we were informed my husband has a zero sperm count, and though I love my sister- I really couldn’t face seeing her and her growing bump for quite a while. 

Me and my husband booked a holiday to try and take our minds off things whilst we were waiting for tests, and after a slurry of jealous texts from my sister saying how lucky we were that we could go away, I kind of blew a fuse because SHE was the lucky one, and told her our devastating news. 

I had hoped that telling her might make her see things from my point of view. Of course I was over the moon for my sister and didn’t want to ruin her enjoyment, but I wanted her to maybe be a bit tactful. On the most part I suppose she was, but there was only so much of her moaning I could take listening to- she moaned because her due date was the world cup final day and she wanted to watch the match(seriously), she moaned that the first several weeks of her maternity leave would be her time off work for summer anyway (teacher) and she moaned that she hasn’t had a holiday since last October. Fair enough, hormones and all that moan all you want- just not to me when I would have done anything to be in her position.

I now have a beautiful niece, and meeting her was tinged with my own grief, but also the overwhelming love that I wasn’t expecting to feel. There are some days when I just want to go and have cuddles from my latest family member because I know it’s the closest thing to my own child I might ever have (or for a long time at least) but then other times I just want to shut myself away from it all- much easier said than done when I live around the corner from them though.

I suppose what I’m saying is that it will never be easy for someone so close to you to have everything you could only dream of at this point, but I was really taken aback when I met my niece. I thought it would be too hard to be around her, and I thought I’d resent the fact that my sister managed to have her so easily, but as soon as I met her all I felt was love. 

and although I will always have up days and down days, there is no envy there and I know that when my sister moans that it's just typical behaviour for someone who hasn’t faced what we face to have a child, and this will only make me appreciate my own child one day even more with the struggle I’d have gone through to have them. 

having said that though, in the mean time whenever i log onto ******** and see anyone else posting their "we're pregnant!" statuses with scan photos, i still can't help but delete them and pretend they just fell off the face of the earth!


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## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Karenanna, thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely try the cycle buddies. X

Little Rie, I have tried to explain to my sister how I feel but she has said herself that she just doesn't understand, and I am still finding it difficult to talk to her. X

Lis16uk, your comment about ******** scan photos made me laugh  I feel exactly the same! I hope that when I meet my nephew this weekend I will love him like you loved your niece. X


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## Dramaqueen88 (Jun 30, 2014)

Love the comment about ******** Lis, I may start doing that, seems easier!


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## lis16uk (Aug 15, 2014)

haha, it's sad but true! i probably would have even deleted my sister off there given half the chance, but luckily she didn't post a single thing on there to even hint she was pregnant before the baby was born.

i might not be able to hide from all the women at work and their ever expanding bumps, but on ******** it's so easy to just press the delete button, and it actually helps! although to be honest i swear it is practically an every day occurrence, seems every female i've ever met has got pregnant over the past year or so, i'm going to have no friends left soon at this rate...! 

we have laugh, would be impossible to cry 24/7


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## Dramaqueen88 (Jun 30, 2014)

If only there were a delete button in real life eh?!


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## lis16uk (Aug 15, 2014)

Oh yeah definitely,that would be amazing.an edit button would be blumin' brilliant too x


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## lis16uk (Aug 15, 2014)

hope everything's gone ok for you this weekend emmy  

i now have a new thing to fret about- my sister's just asked me and my husband to be the god parents. 

obviously thrilled they chose us, but inevitably feeling very mixed about it.

i'm now wondering why they didn't ask her husband's sister & her husband as they had my sister & brother in law as god parents for their kids so they'd be returning the favour, so i'm now thinking has she innocently just asked us this time because they'd ask his family when/if they have another child, or have they asked us because we can't have a child of our own and they know this will be the closest thing for us.

i'm sure it's just because they just wanted us, but the brain goes into over drive!


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## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Hi Lis 
It is tomorrow I'm meeting my nephew. I am actually really worried 
I know what you mean about the brain going into overdrive!  When my sister and her husband told us she was pregnant, they said they wanted us to be involved with the baby and I thought is that because I haven't got my own? They didn't even know at that point that we had been trying! I'm sure your sister just wants you to be involved. Thing is, I know that in your situation I would find it hard to be a god parent but if my sister hadn't asked me I would think why doesn't she want me?! There is no pleasing me at the moment!


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

How did it go Emmy? Xx


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## Andrealou91 (Aug 24, 2014)

Hiya, 
I can completely related to your story. Its a strange feeling of guilty jealousy?  I work in a doctor's surgery and when people come to register with the midwife it absolutely kills me pretending to be ok. 
I think its normal to feel how you do, it doesnt mean you don't like your sister or the baby, it just hurtsm maybe have a chat with your sister, she may have been so excited about her baby coming she didn't stop and think about how you would be feeling. (In a nice way) 

Andrea x


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## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Tiny - it went a lot better than I thought it would  I totally agree with you that babies are easier to cope with than pregnant women. It was still really hard but I feel relieved now that I have got through the first meeting. I also went to see a friend and her 3 month old baby, so I had a whole day of babies on Sunday and managed to get through it without crying at all, which is a first! X

Andrea - every time I see a pregnant woman it tears me apart, so I can imagine how hard it must be for you pretend you are ok with dealing with them in your job. I have tried to explain to my sister how I feel but I think it is one of those situations that you just can't comprehend unless you are going through it. X


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