# I think it's end of the road for us but feeling ok



## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi 

After 4 IVFs, 1 termination for T21, two early miscarriages, two fibroid surgeries, one TESE, theray for pityitary tumor, numerous therapies for thrombophilia, high sperm DNA fragmentation and many more, feels like we have had enough.....I have now reached 40 and honestly I am not sure I want to be a mom anymore. The whole thing has become more like a winning game rather than the pursue to the parenthood dream. 

Does anyone feel like this? Parenthood is great when kids come normally or even with some science intervention. But after all this ordeal I am not sure it is a good idea anymore. The whole thing has taken any joy away from us and it has been replaced by worry and fear. 

At the moment I don't feel like having a baby anymore through IVF. I would like us to revive our sex life, let nature take it's course if it ever happens. Although I am not sure I want to have a baby that late in my life. We didn't even leave it late in our lives. We started early, we went to the do tor early, pursued many treatments, spent thousands of pounds. But I think that sometimes everything for a reason. Maybe God doesn't want us to have a child. Maybe there is a reason. So much heartache that honestly I have been completely put off. I am disappointed and sad at times but to be honest I think we are recovering fast from it and see the positives of not having children. Why not? And no. I don't want to adopt I don't want to do donor, i just want to live the rest of my life with my hubby and at this stage of my life I am not sure a child is welcome anymore. After all this we have been through I don't think Inwould have energy to nurture a child. A child is supposed to bring happiness but this longing fir a child had already been taken away from us. I literallt have 0 enthusiasm. If nature decides differently (wothin the next year. After that please no) then maybe it's ok. 

We have one good frozen blasto frozen and two vials of TESE sperm. I will leave hem there until March 219 just in case but after that the end. It is too much heartache for two people that don't deserve it at all. Too much. Enough

Anyone else feeling similarly?


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## tealight (Feb 20, 2015)

Hi Efi, 

Just wanted to reassure you that you are NOT alone. 
We have a similar list, with hundreds of injections and scans and 5 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies to boot. I desperately want to draw a line under the constant misery but not sure quite how. 

However, I just wanted to let you know that there are people out here that it has not been a success for but that I suspect your post is in  a tumbleweed corner  because FF is all about  'keeping up the fight/struggle/battle' (the warrior terminology is endless) and no one wants to consider the alternatives. So you feel a bit of a failure if you choose to stop. I know people on some forums encouraging others to leave husbands etc... to pursue their goal of having children. 

The hardest part is accepting that after all of those injections, treatments, scans, egg collections, 2ww, financial, emotional toil, you have absolutely nothing to show for it all. But I read this quote about instances of throwing good money after bad (and gives lots of other similar examples) and it summed up  our journey so far. "Our narrating self would much prefer to continue suffering in the future, just so that it won't have to admit that our past suffering was devoid of all meaning". 

So question is - can we draw a line under it and move forward?

Can't answer that yet but presumably other people have managed in the past. 

Like you I'm not convinced about donor because firstly I can see it is no magic bullet and may mean yet another 5-6 treatments (or more to be successful and secondly I'm not sure what young people will make of it - having up to 10 half siblings particularly, but also not having access to medical/biological information etc...and defo I'm too traumatised to have another treatment in UK). 

And I know full well that 'just adopt' is not a simple alternative. Have we got what it takes to therapeutically parent a traumatised child with potentially genetic/biological and developmental complications? 

Like I said I don't have any answers but I'm glad you have a faith, that will help you find a way through I think, and I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do. 

Tealight x


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

It’s a very difficult decision to make. I remember having a conversation a few years ago with a Fertility Dr and even she said “the problem these days with all the new research is that someone out there is always able to say ‘have you tried XYZ’”. 

If you feel ready there is a section on here called “Moving On” where people who have made the decision to stop trying post. It’s obviously a lot quieter in these Crossroads areas, but there are other ladies who have stopped and still pop in and update us on how they are getting on. These sections are for people to explore how they feel about things, although in the Moving On section we do actively remove suggestions of “have you thought of XYZ” as it’s explicitly requested that people don’t do that there.

I don’t know if it’s something you feel comfortable with, but lots of ladies who do decide to move on find Gateway women helpful: it welcomes women who are childless for all reasons (medical/choice/circumstance etc).

I’m very sorry for your losses and the pain and heartache that you have both experienced xxx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

I think it largely is the "next time it might work" psycology. But as my husband said "isn't this the psycology of a gambler?". There is a point where you feel like you have to go back and play again until you win. And in the end you might lose it all. There is a point that it stops being longing for a child. It 's more like ticking a box or winning on something

Anyway. On a positive note we have started regaining our sexual life back which had taken a deep dive because of TESE, ICSI etc. I think at 40 and with severe male factor our chances with IVF are as low as conceving naturally. Actually naturally is more possible. In the lab you've got the embryologist trying to find the one-two euploid eggs and inject on that egg the right euploid sperm. it's a lottery


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## tealight (Feb 20, 2015)

Hi Cloudy
You are right.... The 'Have you tried.' Argument... Is very persuasive and makes it hard to draw a line under things and obviously technology is advancing all the time. Probably in 10 years all fertility issues may have answers but sadly it will be too late for us. 
T.


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## Mrsfw (Dec 8, 2014)

Am a bit late to this thread but wanted to say thanks for starting it, it has got me thinking about this same question today, at what point is it reasonable to stop.

I'm gearing up for cycle #9, which is my 3rd donor cycle but 1st with this current donor. I think I'm thinking that I have to realistically give this donor 3 transfers worth and then perhaps start to realise that it isn't going to work for me.

Whilst I feel like we have tried every test under the sun, we're in our 6 th year of it and I suppose there gets a point where it's just silly throwing money at it.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi mrsfw

Thanks for joining this thread.

It is a very hard decision indeed. I often wonder whether it would have been better if we never tried IVF. We have thrown so much money on it and the reality is that we are extremely unlucky. I have seen people with far more problems than us eventually conceiving and having children. Naturally. I have started resorting to the fact that if it is to happen it will happen. 

Lose weight, eat healthy, do this do that and in the end you see people doing none of that conceiving and giving birth. Quite frankly I 'm afraid the whole thing is a lottery and we are just not lucky. 

I don't know. I don't think I can take more heartache and I have  started accepting it won't happen for us. I have a 3BB blasto left and I have no enthusiasm using this. I was so upbeat during the last IVF. Great TESE sperm, 12 mature eggs, great endometrium; top quality up to day 3 then one 4CC blasto....and in the meantime over 10k down the drain. Honestly  if this cycle didn't work then nothing will. I'm fed up and it is unfair.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

I guess at the end of the day it is a matter of asking ourselves "why am I doing this?" There are people
Who want a baby really badly and this is the purpose of their lives. Fair enough. Continue. 

What if you don't have the answer and it more like another "to do" thing in life? Have you started getting drawn to this fertility casino and society telling you that "you must have a baby?"


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Wow Efi I could have written your exact post.  I'm 41, we have severe male factor and I've been through 4 fresh IVF cycles (and 2 iuis) which resulted in two miscarriages and the others were bfns.  We used donor sperm after the first two cycles of IVF.  My most recent IVF in December ended in miscarriage and I was so physically unwell for months afterwards.  I think my body had finally had enough of all the drugs and procedures.

We've just come back from a belated honeymoon and decided that we wouldn't make any decisions on next steps (donor ivf or adoption etc)
until we'd had the time away.  We've tentatively decided to go for donor IVF as I still have the desire to have the pregnancy etc but having said that, since booking an initial consultation for next month, I feel like I can't be bothered.  I'm so tired of it all and can't get the enthusiasm up.  We have also considered adoption but it's so tough and like you, I don't feel like I've got the energy to nuture a child.  All the enthuasism has been driven out of me.  I'm so tired of it all.  I still get upset when colleagues announce pregnancies though so it's tough.  I can't really take an extended break as I'm nearly 42 and I don't want to be too old if we do pursue anything else!

Part of me would just like to live life just the two of us (and maybe a dog!) but I think worry about something happening to my husband and then I'd be alone.  I also carry huge guilt at not giving my parents a grandchild as I'm their only hope of one.  I think my mum is quite bitter about it as all her friends have grandchildren and talk about them all the time.  I wish I could get enthusiastic about our 'next step' but I'm just knackered and can't face it all at the moment.  Donor IVF isn't a guarantee and I'm worried about more heartache.  I'm sure time will help either way.....xx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Magicpillow

I am there with you. Completely understand. We haven't booked any appointment yet. I am not doing anything until end of July. Maybe by then I will have mourned and want to do another cycle. But at the moment no. Completely put off and deflated. 

In the meantime I am buying a Tantric s.x and kam sutr books to revive our sex life! After a TESE and an IVF we have completely lost it. I want to forget all about the fertile days and get back to the days that I wasn't monitoring my cycle at all. Just enjoy!nothing else

Heading for holiday early July and then sbbatical from work. Then we are heading to Germany for intensive German lessons and language exams. I doubt I will have time for Ivf!

In my case is just a matter of me and him not having our offspring. We have a loving relationship and a child wouöd have a wonderful life in our home. Parents are advising us to stop and let nature take its
course. My mother in law suggested a doctor in Greece if we want  to try again but her advice was to stop amd enjoy life. 

We'll see how the next few months go but at the moment I can't be bothered...


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

I so much love this thinderstorm outside right now by the way. So romantic. Going to bed to curl around hubby


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## Jengles (Mar 3, 2016)

Agree with a lot of what you guys have said. Although you guys all seem to have been through so much more than us and I'm exhausted so I don't know how you did it. We've been going at this for 4 years basically since we got married. We've had 2 IVF 1 miscarriage at 3 month scan and another much earlier on. We did a very intensive nutrition and vitamin course earlier this year but stopped after 2 months as they felt there were hormonal and emotional issues that were causing problems as my temperatures weren't consistent and it was out of their knowledge area. Anyway we had promised that after our holidays in June we would try another treatment program I'd found which was more scientific but ultimately I don't have the energy and we're rowing so much at the moment I just don't even want to bring a child into this. He thinks we should just do the wait and see approach and maybe it will work. I just can't do it. I need a firm decision and either want to throw everything at it or move on to focusing on other things. 

I feel that I just want more from my life. At 37 if I'm not going to be a mother I want excitement and fun and my husband just seems to be angry and tired all the time. Feel like we're not on the same page at all anymore. Makes me wonder that the basis of our relationship without kids just doesn't work. I know he'd be a great father but at the moment I feel like he's not interested in me and I read all of you talking about reviving your sex lives and much as I try he's barely interested.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi Jengles

IVF is a very emotional journey and relationships suffer under this intense pressure. 

May I ask what is the reason for doing IVF? MFI? Unexplained?


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Hi Jengles,

I get what you mean about the husband thing. We are having similar issues, when we got married 4 years ago we both wanted the same thing which was to start a family and have focused our entire married life on it. Now that hasn't happened I want to do what you said, either have kids or concentrate on living which means a better work/life balance, seeing the world and doing all those things all the 'mums' keep telling me I'm lucky to be able to do. Hubby on the other hand can't imagine that kind of lifestyle but if we can't be parents there's more to life than working and paying bills.

Now we have given up treatment our sex life has not revived and I'm still very much aware I'm ovulating so we must try 'just in case'.....I'm not sure how to get out of that one. Tbh I don't think we ever will unless we have kids. I still get the urge to try more treatment but then come back down to earth as we can't afford it and I can no longer deal with the disappointment.
Currently we are looking into adoption. Hub is really keen and has always been more sure than me, after having a sperm donor for the last 3 years to him it doesn't seem to make much difference if we adopt but I still find the idea of not carrying quite difficult.

Give your husband time, I'm sure he will come round, he can't be like that forever. At the end of the day we only life once and a crap as this situation is, only time will tell what will happen but whatever it is we will just have to make the most of the hand we are dealt


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

It has been months since I started this thread. Was reading the messages and thought Inshould give an update.

So since then I decided to definitely not proceed with IVF. July came and went and we didn’t feel like it. Then September came and we still didn’t feel like it. In the meantime hubby did a COMET and a sperm analysis test and results came back good. Not wow but good. There is enough healthy sperm there to conceive naturally.

As our chances with ICSI vs naturally are the same ie 10-15% per month we decided that there is no reason to torture ourselves. We now tey naturally each month. No success so far and I am not very hopeful either. I still monitor fertile days and use OPKs but would lime to gradually stop and move towards the 2-3 times a week intercourse and forget all about conceiving. And if it ever happens it would be a nice surprise. Of course it’s difficult moving from IVF to a normal sex life but i guess it’s something that will happen gradually. 

How is everyone else doing?


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

That's great news Efi78, fingers crossed 

We are now in stage 2 of the adoption process. 

Sometimes I just can't cope with the idea of never being pregnant and carrying my own child but other times I just focus on the adoption and having that family unit we so desperately want.

I don't think I'll ever get over not having my own but we've just had to find another way forward.

The process is going really well so far, after having nothing but bad luck throughout our treatment I don't really know how to cope with the idea of something actually going right for a change! After 5 years of hell it takes some getting used to.


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## onolyn (Jan 5, 2019)

I hope everything goes well with you.


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