# do we try 'just one more'?



## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

oh ladies

im not sure if im even writing this is right place?! mini history, 2 Diui, 8 IVF/FET's to get our precious DD then have had 3 IVF/FET since to try for a sibling, cycle 6 brought a BFP but an early mc then cycle 10 was the same although got a bit further and now we decided to stop.....

I started to suffer with anxiety during my 5th cycle and managed to deal with it using breathing techniques and tft (thought field therapy) however this has begun to show its face again over the last few months as I battle with the decision of stopping, many have said 'just have one more go' and others say 'time to stop' however i need to know that when my DD asks me why she hasn't got a sibling i need to have a the courage to explain that we tried......but have we tried hard enough?

I have a job where i see newborn babies every day and i have 2 ivf friends who have got pregnant in the last week with a sibling after many many attempts and to be honest i can't put my finger on why i feel this way, my DD is amazing and i love her with all my heart, like others have said im terrified of something awful happening to her but i dont let her know i feel this way and she does everything and goes everywhere.

my anxiety is a 'knot' in my chest that is there all the time and i can't seem to shift it, the more i think about why i feel this way the worse it feel, i wonder if we try one more time will i feel worse or better? can i put my family through the heartache of another bfn?

im so mixed up and just know you lovely ladies know how this feels and guess i just need someone to listen and offer me some support as i dont have any close friends i can talk to about how im feeling   

love to you all
Suze xx


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## DBaby2 (Jul 29, 2010)

Hi Suze,  I feel your pain.  I can't help you decide what to do as only you can decide that (with DH of course!).  We have a DD natural conception but haven't been able to have a sibling.  Had 2 icsi and 1 m/c.  Right at the beginning of this road my husband and I agreed that we would go through icsi twice and thats it.  It was a really hard decision but we decided that after 3 years trying and putting our life on hold we simply could not keep going, lifes for living afterall.  On our second attempt I felt so under pressure because it was our final attempt and I knew after that that was it.  I think the pressure got to me as I had my first panic attack and have been struggling since the treatment didn't work.  I've had to change my position at work until I feel able to cope with more pressure and I'm going to see a counsellor.  My DD is amazing and I do ensure she experiences as much as possible in life.  Again like you I worry what if anything happens to her but its something that I need to control rather than get worked up about.  I'm crying most days but at least I see it easing up now rather than it being all day.  I've had to admit I'm suffering with depression so hence the counselling.  I've opened up and told my DH that I'm scared of being sad so much and my parents and friends know too.  Actually, whilst it was hard admitting how I felt it has actually eased alot of the sadness - I guess the saying sharing is halfing the problem is true.

I don't think the need for another will ever subside although I believe the pain will ease its just a matter of time.  Whilst going through the treatment I found I wanted to be on my own alot and was not really concentrating on my DD.  The treatment is not fair on us but likewise its not fair on DH and DD.

Its not the end of the world and we need to put everything into perspective so I guess we owe it to ourselves to believe whatever decision we make is our decision and then accept it.  Its hard though Suze but I had a bit of shock yesterday when my DD (nearly 4) asked me if I was sad again today and if not could we play.  That broke my heart as clearly its been having an effect on her without me realising.  That in itself was a bit of a wake up call!

You've clearly tried very very hard and been through such a tough time, I hope you can make a decision for you and your family, and then enjoy life.

All the best and take care of yourself xx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi there Suze.  I've just popped your topic over here where I think you might find more support for your specific dilemma. The "moving on with children" is really for those who have already decided no more tx so you might get more balanced views here. 

I can't advise I am afraid; I knew it was a one time deal by the time I got my baby. 10 years, 6 cycles and a m/c had taken it out of me. The final cycle was done for closure with no hope of success. Luckily I was wrong about that and have a love (now 5 year old) DS as a result).  Even so, a couple of years after DS was born I was ready and would have gladly gone through it all again for another child. I knew I wasn't going to but so wanted to. It was like grieving for my fertility all over again. As Dbaby2 says, the longing never really goes away. 
I do understand how you feel about DD. My DS is, literally, my reason to live and I would be terrified of anything happening to him. Even when he just gets a little bit sick I turn all flakey. Feel a bit pathetic but, actually, if you think about it, our babies are precious and it is only natural to be protective of them. It sounds like you have a fairly good handle on your anxiety over DD and just recognising it has given you some power to tame the emotion.

Sounds like you have already had a horrible journey to have your child, and given it your all so far for another. The only real advice I can give is, when you've had enough, you will know you have had enough. It will be in your gut and an emotional reaction. All the while you are thinking about your next move, and how/when/if you can try again, you probably are not ready.  
If you are feeling horribly anxious in general, have you thought about seeing your GP and explaining your feelings to him? It could be that he could refer you for some counselling that may help you sort of the jumble of emotions in your head and heart. 

C~x


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## Bronte Cottage (Feb 7, 2010)

Hi Suze,

Maybe having a look at other clinics and other options might help? DH and I have decided that we are definitely going to try for a sibling and have just started saving for treatment abroad (we've had all previous treatment at a private clinic here in the UK).

Clinics like Serum and Dogus seem to be getting some good results and I intend to ask whichever clinic I go with to use the protocol that "worked" here for us. xxx


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## nevergiveup1 (Mar 23, 2008)

I think keep going till you are ready to stop.
If you still have a few more goes financially and emotionally, then go for it.

I knew on round 14 that this was the last or second last round. I didnt have any more emotionally to put into this journey.
We fell pregnant and are expecting a son soon.

I now want to try for another, but DH is done and says we are finished, he cannot do it anymore and wants to move on from IF.
I will respect his wishes even tho Id love to go again!! Had we not been successfull, then I would have maybe had one more round!


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## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

hi ladies,

thank you so much for your replies   

Bronte - id actually love to try serum however as we are using donor sperm i dont want the added hassle to get the sperm transfered abroad and also my clinic (CARE Notts) is on my doorstep so really easy to organise childcare for DD 

Never - thanks hun, congrats on your impending arrival! i think you are right about keeping going, financially we'd keep going but emotionally i think we're done, like you, my dh doesn't want us to try again but wil support me if i really want to...

so the dilema contiues however i think im swaying towards not trying again at the minute....

thanks again ladies
Suze xx


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