# On the subject of wobbly moments...



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

It's all because of our friends who are the same age as us (42) but have been together just a year and the woman is very optimistic about being able to fall pg. Well, all over this holiday she has been refusing drinks (says she's on a detox) and we saw them yesterday - and I'm convinced she's preggers. They are both keeping up the pretence, which I guess is up to them. But the whole thing is eating away at me. DH says I should not worry about it - it probably is a detox. And when I say to him 'What if she is pg' he just says 'so?'. He's right - because it's none of my business. I suppose I'm fretting because it will be another kick in the face for us. This is my dh's oldest and best friend. So whatever happens I am going to have to find a way to deal with it. I don't wish them ill of course - but I am so hurting. THis issue will never leave us - even when we are older there will be grandchildren...etc and so it goes on...
Bernie


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

You're right hon, it does go on and on and crops up again and again... sometimes it seems never ending!

My own wobblies (sounds quite rude saying that)! have been surfacing from listening to my friends DD complaining how she hasn't been able to have any alcohol over the festive season and can't take anything stronger than paracetamol for various aches and pains as she is preggers. Her parents are the same age as me and it suddenly struck me that here I am childless and there they are about to become grandparents. It feels like we're a world apart - although I love my friends dearly this is yet another chasm that I cannot cross as I have no shared experiences to draw upon or have in common with them. I've known about the pregnancy since conception more or less as well - even though I personally would have been a nervous wreck broadcasting it! I suppose this is what happens when the 'innocence' of pregnancy/getting pregnant sucessfully is lost!

Quite a few of my friends have become granparents this past year and its really struck home to me that this will never be something that will happen to me. It seems that when you think you have a handle on not becoming a parent all your pals become grandparents so once again you're left along the wayside!

Sorry for replying to you with what is sounding like a woe is me post, don't mean it to come across this way. Blame it on being shattered through having a horrid first day back at work with a meagre 5 minute break all day!  

Wish I could be more like our blokes are and think 'so what' about all this sort of stuff too but it just doesn't cut that way with me!

Love to you and a big squeezy  
Emcee x


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## moggy3 (Jan 13, 2007)

We're all going to keep having these 'wobbly moments' every now and then-unfortunately they will keep cropping up throughout our lives. There will be times that will remind us of what we have 'lost' 
Although I am only 33, so for me at the moment I have to deal with friends around us having children, 1 couple have been very insensitive about our feelings with their second pregnancy-she in particular (moaning about the fact that she can't drink as she's pregnant-her choice-and proudly announcing via e-mail in big blue letters that they are expecting the boy that they desperately wanted)
But like some of you who are a bit older than myself, I know that I will have to deal with the grandchildren issue as well  
At the moment Im still having trouble dealing with the guilt that I feel (yes I know its not my fault but I can't help it) with feeling that my wonderful DH will never be a dad, and my fantastic parents will never become grandparents-all of them would have done amazingly well and been brilliant in their respective roles.
Unfortunately even though I have a brother he's never wanted children, and I do have a SIL but she's very much the same and very career orientated-so me and my DH don't even have nieces or nephews.
I just feel that even though I deal with things quite well most of the time that I will never be completely at peace with our inability to have children-and like everyone else on here we all just have to muddle through and deal with things in the best way we can and not be too hard on ourselves  

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom-I hope you all had a wonderful christmas, and hoping we can all find a bit of peace and happiness throughout 2008.

Love to everyone

Judy
xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear friends,

I most certainly know how this feels. My mum has just become a first time grandmother to my 50-this-year brother who finally married in 2006 (a double whammy for me, as I once expected to have the first grandchild, and my brother didn't even start trying till I was literally past it! So Here I am a bit envyous of my own mum as well as of my brother and SiL!) Just a few weeks ago DH's youngest sister became a grandmother too through my favorite neice who said she did not want children; the first grandchild on his side too. So it seems we are continually reminded of all we have missed.

Not quite sure why what I am about to tell feels relevant, maybe something to do with an idea that maybe we don't need to have children to be a constructive member of our family and friendship circles and that having been through so much we have a lot to offer? (Just hope that what I am trying to offer my loved ones is appreciated!!!!)

I am currently trying to build bridges between my 34 year old stepbrother, his 26 year old fiance, my mum and my stepdad who all had a massive falling out over Xmas in Spain where mum and stepdad live. My brother and his wife live in Spain too and were at my parents' house with their new baby, but did not seem able to help. I seem to be the only one who can avoid taking sides and remind them all how precious it is to have a family and that they should work at it and not fall out forever. It feels like I am parenting the whole lot of them! Though I was the one who did not go stay with the family this year as I did not want to feel the pain of IF while they all celebrated the new arrival. Seems that having a new baby around was not actually enough to bring peace and joy even for people who have not suffered IF. While I made the right decision for me not to go, I wonder whether it would have been better for all had I been there. I am worried so much about them all, especially as stepbrother and his fiance are due to return to NZ soon, and will be living so far away that it will be hard to get over this gently.

Of lesser trauma to me, I am also trying to support a friend through her separation from her husband and 4 year old child's father.

Still not sure why I am replying like this! Maybe I am trying to say that even though it feels like IF totally drains us, if we can survive it, it leaves us strong enough to support those we love? Even if, like the children we may have had, they are difficult, argumentative, not like us, troublesome.....
It seems like a long time ago that I wrote here of us all having a mothering spirit. I still believe that. Right now I am remembering that being a mother is not always easy. I just hope that my own mothering spirit will make my family's life a bit better and will be of some value to my friends.

I am sorry that I have gone off message here. Guess I should have started a new message. But I am writing in the spirit of sharing how it feels to be left out of the motherhood/grandma club while trying to say there are other roles for us! 

Hope this makes some sense!lOTS OF LOVE

jQ


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

JQ - curiously dh and I are also the 'peacemakers' in both our respective families. Perhaps as you say, when you go through what we have, it puts the rest of life's minor squabbles into perspective. Also after IF you have harnessed resources that others have never had to, which makes you stronger. I admire your compassion and kind spirit for trying to sort things out. I've been there and got the T-shirt. But my current view (and resolution for this year) is to let them fight their own battles. It's not that I don't care - but right now I need to use my resources on myself. I am fed up with being the one that clears up their mess. I'm fed up with hearing them moan about each other, but never actually TALK to each other to resolve it. From now on I'm drawing up boundaries. 
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Good for you Bernie. Sometimes we do have to put ourselves first, especially if other people don't seem to consider our feelings. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger today. 
Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Jq. I'm not feeling too bad at the moment. Family I can handle. Friends who may/may not be preggers - I don't know. We don't see these friends all the time. I guess there will come a point when they will have to tell us and then I will deal with it. I hope they don't try to avoid us - as has happened to others on this board. That would be even more upsetting.
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,
Glad to hear you are OK at the moment. 
Just a thought, maybe your friend is pg but not telling anyone until she is past the 3 month mark, which would be sensible. I hope they don't end up avoiding you too as that can be very disappointing. 
Lol 
Jq xxx


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