# I am more than a 3.6 AMH!!!!!!!!!!!



## Mamaji

I was at counselling the other day and was telling her about reading other women's experiences on FF.  I started telling her about lots of women receiving an AMH of 3.6 and below and that when reading their stories my heart started hurting for them and I imagined surrounding them in a huge pink bubble of love to take away the pain.  My counsellor paused for what felt like ages.... then she said "do you think the women feel devastated when they realise that they are losing or have lost their fertility" ... "yes" I nodded.  "do you think they feel intense grief at the loss of the baby or babies they always thought they would have" ... "yes" I nodded (with tears filling my eyes).  "do you think they feel alone and lost and empty" .... I couldnt speak .... there were huge hot tears running down my cheeks ... "what is your AMH" .... "3.6 last October"...."you are one of those women Nicola .... you understand their pain"..... I thought my heart was going to break!!!     It was as if I had forgotten or chosen to push away the realisation that this is the situation I am in.  The empathy I feel for other women is real, tangible ... when she asked me to sense empathy for myself I felt an empty hole ... but at the pitt of the hole was anger, rage, self hatred, inadequacy.  I just kept repeating over and over again in between sobbing "No ... that's me too!"  It was like a brick wall hitting me over and over again .. like being punched over and over again with a voice over saying "ha ha ha AMH 3.6 you f*****g loser, no eggs, inadequate....never be a natural mother ... loser... loser... loser".  

I started screaming ... the pain was so bad inside me ... it was like the reality truly hit home  ...... no baby ... no baby ...... no baby.  The session ended and I came home feeling like I had just run a marathon and slept for two hours.  That was yesterday .........

I cant run away from it any more. ....... so I am going to imagine that I am saying this out loud to someone to make it real - even though we are in cyberspace!!  My name is Nicola, I am almost 39.  I have always wanted children ever since the day my sister was born when I was 3 years old.  I have a husband that I love with all my heart and who loves me.  I have two step children who both have children.  I don't have any money, my husband has had a vasectomy and my AMH is 3.6 with only 5 follicles seen on antral follicle count..... we dont qualify for funding, we cant afford treatment ... I accept that I wont ever have my own biological baby. I am a kind, sensitive, caring woman who has endless amounts of love to give to other people.  I am a manager of a care home for vulnerable elderly people with dementia, I have two beautiful cats who fill my life with love,  I am a spiritual person who believes that life brings us hard lessons in order to achieve greater things, I am a step mum to two adult children, I am a step gran to 6 beautiful children, I am an aunty to two beautiful nieces, I am a wife, I am a sister, I am an aunty, I am a daughter, I am a cousin, I am a good friend, I am a colleague, I am fun, I am creative, I like chocolate, |I make really good lentil soup, I love chopping vegetables, I love holidays to India, my friends are deeply important to me, family life is important to me, I love a long bath with candles, wine and chocolate, I love cheesy 80's music, I used to think I would always marry George Michael..... Well I didnt but I did marry someone called Michael..... I AM MORE THAN MY INFERTILITY  I am ME!!!!!!! From this moment on I bl***y well refuse to be defined by by feckin AMH levels or lack or eggs.  Instead I will be defined by what I have to give in life... I am not useless, I am not worthless, I am not a waste of space, I refuse to hate other people for being able to give the gift of life, it is nobody's fault ... especially not my own that I am in the position of not being able to conceive a child.  I accept that for whatever reason ... life has other plans for me.. I am open to whatever those plans may be.. my heart is open and at the same time hurting... I will no longer judge the pain that I feel... I will be gentle with myself, non judgemental... I will allow myself to spend quality time with my grandchildren and nieces without fear of the pain overwhelming me.  I allow myself to experience pain and happiness.  I will learn to love this path that I am on ... whatever happens....... sending endless amounts of love out to all other women on this journey .... I think we are like trees in 100 mile an hour winds .... the wind may try to blow us down ... but our roots are strong and firmly planted.. we shall not break ... we shall continue to grow and reach towards the sun, the sky, the stars   

Nicola xxx


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## L_ouise

What a brilliant post 

I wish you all the best for the future


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## Sam1971

Ohh Nic

That was such a beautiful post . I am work and i had to fight not to cry.Good for you huni.

Am wishing you lots of happy time ahead.

Much love always
Samxxxxxx


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## Sunset




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## tribble

Starbaby, I didn't fight it, I just cried!

You sound fabulous. 
I think alot of us could do with a list like this, find ourselves again. 
I will give it a go on a good day so it is there for me on a bad day.

thank you xx


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## annairb

am crying, with a smile on my face, trying to type thankyou with blurry eyes xxxxxx


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## Mamaji

Sorry me me me not been around for a while - life bl***y awful just now!!!!!!

Where to start  I have got two new temporary managers - one works mon-wed and the other thu, fri.  Both are impatient, set unreasonable targets, the one on a thu/fri is classic old style matron management - horrible institutional practice - she wants our elderly residents to all be in the lounge together because "it is easier to toilet them all at once and then take them all to lunch".  She has split mealtimes into two sections "the people who need fed first and then the others".  She is herding residents who prefer to spend quiet time alone in their room into the lounge.  Staff are being given strict routines to follow which are not achievable and are totally task orientated.  Residents are complaining that staff dont have time to spend with them as they are time driven.  It's just gross I avoided working in elderly care for years because I knew managers like these existed- now I am being managed by her and feel sick day in day out watching the institutional practice she is instigating.  When I challenged her about it last week she shouted at me and said "yes it is institutional and I will defend it to anyone who asks"  My practice is person centred, so we are complete opposites and I can see no way how to work with her.  Her answer to me was "I am the manager, you are the deputy you have no choice do as you are told".  Mmmmm all said with pointing fingers, doors being slammed, glaring eyes ...... bullying!  Which of course I start doubting ... blaming it on myself for being more sensitive due to depression... then I think about the reality ... sitting outside work in my car for 10 mins trying to persuade myself to go in .... going in and before I can put my car keys away she is barraging me with everything she thinks I have done wrong.  She has wound me into such a state of anxiety that I have started making mistakes, stupid errors with the rota which she points out with glee and in front of other people!

I tried to have an honest conversation with her last wk telling her that we were awaiting the outcome of disciplinary for my DH, difficulty I have in seeing a hugely pregnant employee every day etc.  Her response was "how do you think I feel?  I am running two care homes and I dont even want to be here"  so supportive ....... not!!  I started speaking to HR manager who supported me whilst I was off sick with depression and she has been great - told me that this woman has had numerous grievances in about her conduct and management style.  Was just about feeling able to take action when DH heard the other day that he has been sacked for gross misconduct and in the letter it mentions neglect and act of omis0sion.  Cue major panic inside me.... if a manager is sacked in Scotland then he will be reported to SSSC and potentially unable to register, as abuse is sited this could affect the fostering application - it clearly states that if any of us are involved in the abuse of adults/children then we would be automatically disqualified from applying.  DH has not abused anyone, he just happens to be the senior manager of a service which failed to administer medication correctly.  He is two layers above the person who made the error and it is him who is sacked for "failure to manage".  His letter says sacked with immediate effect... so no wages at the end of this month..  

My head is completely scrambled, not sleeping, fears he will be unable to get another job, fears the fostering will get stopped.... that any avenue to have a family will be stopped.... that my anxiety will cause me to make mistakes at work and make her bully me further ..... aaaaaaaah         every emotion all at once flying through me .... its too much.  I probably wont be able to afford to get to work!!!!!!  I feel so useless!!!!  DH is wandering around looking empty, the light has gone out in his eyes and I am not doing a good job of hiding my anxiety from him.

DH phoned the fostering agency today to tell them he had been sacked (we told them about the disciplinary in the initial meeting) they are phoning tommorow to see if we are allowed to continue    

I feel like I want to run away ..... and then yesterday I had to sit with the pregnant employee and her union rep discussing how we could support her to stay at work doing light duties for the duration of her pregnancy.  There she is sitting in a tight fitting white t shirt which outlined every single inch of her huge baby bump saying to me "you dont understand how difficult it is to be pregnant" mmmmm yup that's true and I never will get the opportunity ........ "being pregnant and having a family is more important to me than my job but you probably dont care about that" .... if only she knew  .  There I am sitting listening to her .... my eyes catching sight of her baby bump constantly, listening to all her pregnancy complications trying desperately hard not to cry whilst aiming to be a supportive manager coming up with suggestions re work activities that she could do.  Her rep said to me "you seem to really understand how important having a baby is to my client, it is unusual for me to see such genuine empathy"    again if only he knew!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I am a miserable coo its all too much, AF just finished too so hormones everywhere, it's my nieces first birthday this saturday ... no money to buy her a present and dont know if strong enough to even go see her to give her a birthday cuddle .... feel like such a f*** up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Am going to read back and see posts I have missed .... sorry for me me me me me


Sending love to everyone xxxx Nic


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## florie

Hey Nicola


What an amazing post....thank you    v inspirational    


Florie x


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## UnreasonablyAngry

I loved your post and I hope the fostering course goes really well, I can understand your second post too.  Having to be really sympathetic to other people and hide our own hurt is really tough and bloody unfair, hope DH finds another post and that you see again that you are not a bleep up at all


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## Maiamaiamaia

Starbaby, oh what excellent posts, I am in tears. Oh I hope your fostering can go ahead.


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## Flow13

What a wonderful post from you. 

And you are so right - infertility should define who someone is. Infertility is just a small of us, along with many other small parts. 

I really hope the fostering course goes well for you. xxx


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## tribble

Nic I work in smilar field and also had a big investigation 2 weeks after my 2nd ICSI failed. How the ba****ds grind us down!! Luckily (?!) mine was a warning, although it all began as the employee I manage forgot to do something & I got the b***ocking even though there was no adverse effect on the client!!!! But i got off more lightly thasn you DH, poor guy, you try your best & do a job where you care for others and then colleagues seem to have no care for you. 
Your manager sounds like a nightmare beyond belief. It's people like this that make sure abusive cultures continue as it is only a fine line between institutional and abusive. You must get support from others, what is the other manager like? can you talk to her ? Or go over her head if needed, your residents deserve you to speak up and you know in your own mind what is OK care and what isn't. This means you have to be confident when you don't feel it, but I think speaking up will eventually make you feel more empowered as well as being the right thing. If you carry on letting her bullyyou can only feel worse when bloody hell, you deserve to feel better!
AS for preg employee, I've changed jobs in some ways to get away from my large team of female newlywed/engaged females as I know this is how it is going to be - female dominated work. Sounds like you;ve been lovely & professional, so there's no problem coming on here and going aaaarghhh! to all of us. 
I really feel for you, all I can thinki of us that these times cannot last like this, it will get better and you will get through it - please stick together through it all keep talking to each other or it can all get a block between you.... so much luck with the fostering, you will find a way thru all this xxx


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## Guest

Nic,

I am too in the nursing field, I found your post very helpful. I am 24 although young, I watch all my friends/colleagues etc fall pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd child! I sometimes feel sad, angry, depressed, but then I end up thinking to myself, I have 2xneices 2x nephews and a dh that loves me for who I am and I love him dearly back. Why do we woman think babies rule our lives, its like its imprinted into our genes always a hole in our hearts that has to be filled! I love coming home after a 12 hour shift and thinking I have had discharged 3 or 4 patients and thinking I have helped them through there illness and been thanked for this, I am a good person and I strongly believe in good things come to those who wait/care and also are kind. 

Thank u for ur words x


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## tilly100

Thank you Nicola for sharing  - I hope one day i can feel as strong as you


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