# THE MORE TX I HAVE ... THE MORE I'VE BECOME SCARED OF FAILURE



## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

I didnt know what to call this thread but how I see it is as I've written it really.  

It's fantastic that there's been so many BFP's lately and this has a great reflection on the Clinic and it's good that more people are posting and giving hope to the rest of us.  Well done girls.

I'm feeling a bit offish today so maybe that's why I wanted to get this down in writing.

I wish I still felt the excitement I had when we first started this journey instead of the not wanting another round of tx to end and be another step closer to failure.

How can I clear this negativity from my mind set and help myself feel more positive?  I cannot visualise anything else apart from what I've come to experience.

Are there any other veteran IVFers that feel this way?  What have you done to feel more positive about further tx?


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Andi

I cant help you with how to feel better I am sorry,  as i have taken a different path as was not able to put myself though it over and over again for various reasons, but i did not want to read and run so i sent you a


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Hi Andi

Sorry you are having an off day - but be kind to yourself - you are allowed to be sad about it 

I think when you start on the tx journey it's easier to be postive about the possible outcomes because you are thinking about that potential lovely result you are going to get at the end of it...

...but what we don't really know is how involved treatments are going to be; what a strain it  put's on us as individuals and on relationships; we don't know how awful it is going to be having another person else look up your doofer    ;how long it can be between appointments; just how frustrating the waiting is and how bloody awful you feel when a cycle fails    

I specifically remember thinking when going to my first appointment regarding investigations of asking the question 'how soon before I will be pregnant?' - I'm so glad I didn't ask it but that was how positive I felt at the time  

I don't know how to make my myself feel more positive - I listen to my hynotherapy CD in the hope that that helps.  It's difficult to explain, I suppose I think to myself even if the tx fails then it may still happen naturally.


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Andi your pain is tangible........... wish I could hug you and tell you it will be all right in the end!  I can hug you but just can't promise the latter - and that's the hardest part of this journey - no guarantees after all the pain, heartache and cash.

I'm feeling quite strong and poitive at the moment - but it's only since starting tx again.  I was very reluctant to start again because it took me so long to recover after the last failure (9 months - ironic isn't it!?)

I have no cure, no magic and no answers - cr*p aren't I?  But only you can know when you are strong enough to try again or I to try again.  You have had 3 tx quite quickly!

I'm here if yu want to talk Andi - just let me know!


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

andi

i feel very much like you as you know. I do find a break does kinda help. yet you will never get the same excitement cause you know how crushing failure can be, nothing i am afraid can ever take that away

you have been through cycle after cycle and its different very different to going through  1 or maybe 2 cycles and then getting the dream (please i don't mean anything nasty by saying this).

i find that dreams get shattered along this road but i the same sense, dreams change and what we experience is hard and is heartbreaking yet we become stronger.

the chances are you might well be a big step closer to a bfn no one knows. I hate waiting with a passion but it does renew the mind and body and helps with PMA.

i for you feel that i will never know to give up /stop treatment whatever you wana call it, the yearning is way way too strong, sometimes if i think too much my heart feels like it will break and i start to think WHY ME, so i chose not to think too much

the only thing i can suggest it changing the way you think and try putting thoughts out of your mind........very very hard to do

i am always here for you


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Thanks for your replies girls.

I think I'm feeling strong enough to go again but what I'm saying is the fear of failure is forefront in my mind.  I guess this comes with successive negative cycles and that has an affect on positivity.  I may have to brain wash myself  

Lola, when we started I didn't think past one cycle.  Why would I need more, I would be made pregnant and our infertility factor would then be bypassed, but as we all know it aint as simple as that ... boy did I have a shock!!

I agree Kara, strangely I have become stronger.  I just wish I could have more PMA


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

pma is over rated lol

brain washing can work too.

just try really hard to take things a day at a time and not look pas that day


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## SAZZLEEVANS (Aug 5, 2005)

I have had quite a difficult few years and was similar to you. Tried hypnotherapy cds and they have worked no end.  Highly highly recommended  I had one ma especially for me too. You email the guy all your issues etc and places make you feel relax etc and he records one for you....very handy if you just need a boost to get where you want to be;

Sarah x


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Andi,
  
Really sorry to hear you are feeling so down.  It's so difficult to know how to think when going through all this. My instinct is to think about it not working and prepare for that so that I'm not so crushed if/when it fails.  However, part of me thinks that if you can manage to get your brain thinking more positively and visualise the positive outcome then perhaps that helps??   
I don't know what the answer is.  It's very very hard and I can't imagine how you girls who are on 3+ tx's deal with it.
Our approach I think will be to do 3 in a row (on no. 2 now) then give up if not successful but I'm not sure it'll be that straightforward?!
I read somewhere else too that hypnotherapy is supposed to be really good.  Counselling also may help?  I've seen a counsellor a few times this year but more to do with issues between DH and me and it really helped.
take care

xx


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Andi

I'm sorry i can't offer any words of wisdom, as you know, i am just  starting my first tx, so am not really qualified to offer advice. It really breaks my heart to read your posts and my heart goes out to all of you who have endured a succession of failed treatments. I am in a very different situation, whereby i haven't been ttc for years, my infertility came to light following investigations for other gynae problems. Things at the moment are very surreal for me - i don't feel excited at all and haven't been excited from the start -maybe it's because i've done so much research and am aware of the realities of ivf tx. At the moment i am not stressing, and as Kara says - i'm taking it a day at a time, even though i am fully aware of the likelihood or unlikelihood of having a successful tx. Everyone is scared of failure, and the more we encounter failure, the more difficult it becomes to cope with so eventually the failure becomes the main focus.

All i can say Andi is, yes, you do need to brain wash yourself! If and when you decide to do another cycle, you must clear your mind of all those negative thoughts!  Like Scouse said, you've had your tx over a short period of time - that's a huge strain on you mentally and physically - so make sure you're fully recouperated and rearing to go.

I hope other veteran ivfers respond to your thread and offer you suggestions.

Take care

Moth x


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Thanks for all your advice girls.

My plan is to rejoin yoga next week, I can't really afford it as you have to enrol and pay for the year but it's a good price as it's subsidised by the LEA.  I did it this time last year before my first cycle, purely for the relaxation and I really enjoyed it, so hopefully it will help me chill more.

As for fearing failure, I guess that comes with the territory ... I'm sure we all do at some point.


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

yep i expected this go to fail the same as the last 2 so you never know andi   enjoy your yoga... are you having accupunture still?


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Hi Andi

I have to say I'm with Sarah on the hypnotherapy front - I have a Prepare for IVF CD and it's relaxing if nothing else and I have to say I quite like the idea of a personalised one as I feel I have a mental block re conceiving. 

Also - you said about rejoining yoga - I have taken the liberty of looking up the British Wheel of Yoga for your area (I used to be a member myself) and found a list of teachers - there seem to be quite a few - you might find someone local where you don't have to pay up front for the whole year 

http://www.bwy.org.uk/teachers/teacher_results.php

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