# Can't cope anymore



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi all,

The title says it all, really.
I keep having odd blips and strange things around the time of my periods and of course, when these blips happen that tiny flicker of hope reignites (you know the one!) This month it was all sorts of wierd aches and brown spotting and that hope came back in full force. I told myself it was utterly stupid but I couldn't switch it off. Then, of course, yesterday, guess what turned up?
I've spent half the night awake, crying and to be honest, I feel as if I can't go on anymore. I am almost 50, it isn't going to happen now, I know that but no amount of arguing with myself seems to make me believe it. I must be menopausal, which would explain the odd symptoms, and I can't face that, either. My life is over and I've lost most of the last two decades to severe and then chronic illness.
Yes, there are other options but they might not work and we've already been turned down three times for adoption. (We're not criminals and we don't even smoke; it was my health they didn't like). But I don't want some other woman's egg inserted into my body, even if it actually stays there! I want mine and my husband's child!   
Why is this so impossible? Why is life so unfair!
I feel useless, sterile, barren, a waste of space. And we have so much love to give! and my dh would make such a great dad!
At the moment, I'm not sure how to get through the day or do the work I'm supposed to do. What's the point? I can give people what they want from me but most of them are mothers and they can't give me what I want!
Help.

Rowan


----------



## JayneC (Dec 5, 2009)

Rowan


Just wanted to send you huge              . I know how difficult it is when you are in a "dark day" as I call them.


Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break - try and stop the self criticizing monkey on your shoulder ( bit of yoga there!) - as you have enough to deal with. Give yourself and your DH a huge hug and look after one another.


Sadly I don't have any magic answers - if only I did - but just be kind to yourself as you deserve it as you have been through so much.


Take care


----------



## dips (Jul 19, 2011)

Rowan,

I agree with JayneC... u have already been thru so much...don't beat urself up about it...this infertility journey is probably the hardest and most unfair thing that any woman has to go through but think of it like any other thing that god has given u in life....it is his choice what our destiny brings to us and we have to accept that humbly....even I do not have any magic answers (wish I had!!!!) but I hope u feel better and are able to cope     ... But please do not blame urself for anything....even if it is ur health, it is not ur fault! U r just like each one of us in this journey who is trying to fulfil her dream of having a baby...and there is nothing wrong in that and certainly no fault of urs either!!  

Wishing you all the luck in the world....sending lots of love, strength and positive thoughts ur way xxx


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Rowan   

Have you had any counselling at all? If not, then I think you should give it a try. Once you start to feel all of the 'whats the point?'  feelings and life becomes such a chore, I think its time to find somebody to talk to who might be able to help ........ or will at least let you empty your heart to them.

There has to be more to our lives than this, maybe we just need some help finding what it is. I can't imagine not hurting anymore and that just can't be right can it? I have no words of wisdom for you but everything you feel is shared by so many of us and I don't want you to feel lonely and isolated in your thoughts and feelings.


Take care of yourself, and be gentle.
 Katxxx


----------



## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi Rowan

Thinking of you and sending you big hugs.  Please don't beat yourself up, I do it all the time but it doesn't solve anything.  And please try and get some counselling, I was in very dark place and counselling has helped me, plus time.  Yes life is unfair and I don't have the answers as to why some of us are tested with infertility and illnesses, but we have to think of the good things in life, I feel very blessed to have my wonderful DH.  I cry myself to sleep many times about being childless and am tired of putting a front on.  

I just want to suggest something to you, please don't take it the wrong way.  You say that you can't accept another woman's eggs. Well I was in this position 3 years ago when told my only hope was DE. I was horrified at the thought but after much research and reading other's experiences plus counselling, I realised that being a mum is paramount regardless of where that child came from. It took me a long time to grieve for the loss of my own child, but the thought of not having ANY child was worse. It's just that you said you tried to adopt 3 times so I guess you must have already accepted the idea of someone else's child.  With DE at least you get to carry that child and breathe life into it from its conception. I never thought I would accept DE but I have and we soon start our 1st treatment.  Now I'm worried that will fail which shows how accepting I am. I'm sorry if you have already thought this through and cannot contemplate it but I just wanted to give you some hope that all is not lost.    (And I'm not young either).

Be kind to yourself
Jay x


----------



## Kay123 (Aug 6, 2011)

Hi Rowan

My heart goes out to you more than I can put into words. This is such a cruel journey for so many, but right now it is the reality of your pain that needs to be comforted   Like the other replies you have recieevd today, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. I think it is only natural when one is feeling so much disappointment to turn in on oneself and be angry and at times neglect and punish ourselves..... I have certainly done my fair share of this 

I know you say that you cannot bring yourself around to the idea of a donor egg. I would like to share a little of my journey in the hope that it may assist you. A couple of months ago after a failed ICSI treatment I asked my Dr to give me the facts of what chance I stood aged 40 with a series of other negative factors. His answer was I had 2% chance of having a baby of my own or increasing my chances to 65% in my very next IVF cycle if I used donor eggs and if I persued 3 more cycles using DE I would increase my chances to 92%. 

My hubby and I examined the facts with me being 40 and him 54 we decided time is running out and why keep wasting both money and suffering the most painful emotional trauma after something we had such a small chance of succeeding at. It was at this stage that we dcided to travel to south Africa where we were able to choose a donor from an agency Gift Ov Life offering over 200 donors. 

Going through Gift Ov Life in South Africa meant there was no waiting list and we were able to find an excellent match to me, meaning I could have a baby that would look just like me. It was very difficult initially to get my head around the idea but once we had decided to go this route we have both been rejuvenated and feel we have a new lease on life. f you went this route remember you would be the one carrying this beautiful baby, it would be your blood and tissue growing this baby, nurturing and protecting it and no one need ever know. This was the reason we chose Gift Ov Life in South Africa as there is total anonymity of donors.

Please dont give up hope you are feeling no doubt very fragile and cheated by life but there are other possibilities out there that will allow you to be a mommy in every sense of the word and I am sure a most beautiful and loving mommy. I am only to happy to share more of my journey with you should you wish to know a little more. Big hugs and strength and baby dust your way. Kay X


----------



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Rowan  

The ladies have given you some good advice - I hope it helps.

Is it worth having any tests to see if you are menopausal and if there is any chance you could produce an egg?  Maybe you could think of surrogacy then where by its still your biological baby but just means you dont suffer any health issues whilst he/she is in the making?

I know how hard it is hun well we all do on here   please dont be a stranger to the board here  and use us to have a rant whenever you need to.

sending you big hugs xxx


----------



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I'm always amazed by the amount of support there is in this forum! Thank you   
Nordikat, after what you've gone through (I've read some of your posts on the other board) and what's just happened in Norway, it makes this whole wretched issue seem very insignificant. Looking at some of the other signatures, I can see you've all had a rough time, as well. It's just that, well you know what it's like when you hope, even though you know that's stupid and the wretched period turns up anyway. I sometimes feel as if my body's my enemy, especially as it's been ill so much. 
Kay and Jay, I have thought of donor egg tx, especially as my dh is due a little money but we could only have one go and I'm afraid of it failing. I would then feel like this only worse and we'd have thrown away 7 or 8 thousand pounds. There is still the issue  of having to accept another woman's egg and I'm still trying to work out what I really feel about that. In some ways I feel such a  failure because I can't do what should come so naturally and there's also the sense in which I've let my family tree die, as my brother hasn't got children either. Our father's genes will die with us and that makes me wish I'd got pregnant at 16. 
And yes, I'm very good at turning anger inwards, too good but I don't know what else to do with it. 
I suppose the difference with adoption is that the child already exists, if you see what I mean, even if it's not yours and these children need a decent home. 
To be honest, I don't know what to do and every doctor I see gives me contradictory advice. The last one suggested ovarian hyperstimulation and seemed surprised when I told him his colleague had said I wouldn't have any eggs at my age. 
Thank you, Debs, I think I will definitely do that, come on the board and rant from time to time!
Big hugs to all of you and Jay and Kay, good luck with the donor egg attempts!   

Rowanxxx


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

If its causing you heartache then its not insignificant   . We now avoid sex during ovulation just because I can´t face the grief of losing my hopes and dreams every single month, I can´t imagine the pain of that disappointment ever going. Maybe it does with time do you think?


I do hope you find a way forwards, one way or another. See you for a rant again soon    but in the meantime you need tlc from yourself. You need to give yourself some space while you decide what your options might be.
 Katxxx


----------



## Kay123 (Aug 6, 2011)

Hi Rowan

Just thought I would drop you another line and see how you are doing today  I was thining what might help you is to decide you will investigate the various other options that are available to people in a similar position to you. This is what helped me reach my decission. My hubby and I decided to gather as much info as possible on all avaialble choices and what percentage chance each had of success and from that the answers just fell into place. 

You say that your genes are dying out but do you think that is really so?  You obviously need to find the answers that are right for you but is not what we inherit far more than a gene? To me what we inherit is the love, gentleness, kindness, morals and values that our parents show us in our upbringing. I am sure you would be passing on so much of yourself to any baby you bring into this world, maybe not the first cells but your body would be nurturing and protecting this beautiful new life and you would be passing on all of you and so much more in your everyday care and nurturing of it 

Doing the research does not mean you have to commit to anything or make any decission but it certainly may help you find the direction that is right for you. It is such a difficult journey and some days are far more painful and difficult than others. I so hope that with time you will find the answers and that this terrible pain may start to ease.   Take care Kay X


----------



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Kay, some lovely thoughts in your second paragraph! Thank you!
I am beginning to feel better physically, after having had the worst AF I've had for a very long time but I don't think the emotional pain is out yet. I wish my body would stop playing these kinds of tricks and the periods would just stop. I did ask a doctor whether it was possible to stop them. While the cycle goes on round and round, trundling on month after month after month, I find it impossible not to hope, especially if the PMS symptoms are different to normal. Also, I've always had a bad time with them and this one was so bad I felt light headed and very ill at work yesterday. I don't know why but I guess it's the menopause. 
You're right about the need to do research, though we've already ruled out one option as neither of us could bear being rejected by another social services dept. The problem with any form of treatment is it might not work and we can't keep trying and trying because we don't have the money. I keep thinking about surrogacy because it would get round all the immune etc issues I have with my body but I'm not sure about it on ethical grounds. My mother calls it 'rent a womb'. 
To be honest, I have no real idea what to do and sometimes I just feel so worn out wrestling with something that's supposed to come so naturally. We've been trying to conceive for five years and though I know that's a short time compared to some of the years some people on this forum have been trying, it's long enough. 
Nordickat, yes, avoiding sex at that time is really the only sensible idea but I tend to find I want it then, that's the trouble! Also, I'm not really sure whether or not I do ovulate anymore. It's kind of you both to get back to me. I hope things work out for you. 
At the moment, I don't have any answers, I just don't know what to do. There's no clarity and I can't seem to force any. If I knew one option would definitely work I'd take that option but of course I don't know and that's what's so difficult. Of course, if I don't try something then I'm dooming myself to a childless future anyway. 
Oh, it's all so difficult and it plays real games with your head!  
Take care, 

Rowanxxx


----------



## Kay123 (Aug 6, 2011)

Hi Rowan

I am glad that you were having a slightly better day yesterday  The financs are always a real problem that was one big deciding factor for us to use Donor Eggs. My hubby said he was tired of throwing away money away for chances as slim as 2 - 3% when we could have a 65% plus chance of success by going the donor route. As I say in time you will find the answers. I have always been a really positive person, but through this all coupled with many financial burdens I now think one actually puts far less stress on onesself when being positive in an accepting way, in other words accepting that life is just not fair and that it is not always kind and that sometimes we just have to go with the flow of what is the best option at that particular time in life. This outook I must say is certainly helping me in all areas of my life at the moment.

I was wondering if you could help me out. You have mentioned in a few of your posts that you have had imune issues. This is something I know nothing about. However I suffer from fybromyalgia and was wondering if this could have some implications?

Would love to hear from you on this matter. Wishing you strength and direction everyday Kay


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi Kay - fibromyalgia is genetic but it isn't an autoimmune disease as far as I know (but correct me if I am wrong) so in theory shouldn't effect your immune system as such, and I assume your clinic know of any medication such painkillers you take. But it does effect you serotonin levels doesn't it? Do you take SSRIs at all? They can reduce your response to stim drugs which I know is not an issue for you, but maybe if you are not metabolizing serotonin correctly, then that may effect your overall health for embie sticking. Actually does it effect your thyroid too? Thyroxine ratios will make a difference for embies sticking of course and I hope you've had that tested already. I am just thinking aloud here and might be completely wrong ............. Hopefully Rowan has proper thoughts for you rather than my ramblings   

Rowan - interestingly, and upsettingly for me as I was investigating it, surrogacy is going be made illegal here using the same law as buying sex!!!! One less option for me then   . More importantly, I hope today is better than yesterday tomorrow better still.

 Katxxx


----------



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Kay - I just looked up fibromyalgia and there is still some debate about it being autoimmune - maybe you should get your level 1s done and see if anything comes up?


----------



## Kay123 (Aug 6, 2011)

Hi Nordickat

Than you so much for this info... I am most certainly going to look into this some more. I am on no tablets at all. I used to be on many but stopped all meds a year ago in order to increase my chances. I will have a look into the info you have passed onto me. Thank you again


----------



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Kay and Nordickat,

I've had several conditions that have an autoimmune component, including osteoarthritis in my knees and hyperthyroidism. This is one reason why I couldn't conceive when I was younger, the thyroid kept causing so many problems. If it's not where it should be, you won't conceive. If it's bad enough, you will stop having periods, though that only happened to me when I was actually at death's door. The thyroid affects everything, unfortunately but of course all these hormones are linked, anyway. I'd agree with Nordickat, get yourself checked out, particularly your thyroid levels. You need TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) and T4 tested. 
I can only assume that my body's problems with its immune system, which is basically what seems to be going on, will be affecting whether or not I manage to keep anything I conceive. The immune system can be damped down by steroids but they're not a good idea for very long. They will also make you put on excessive amounts of weight, even in a short time. I was put on them once for breathing problems and I just ballooned. 
I think there is possibly an autoimmune element to fibromyalgia and also possibly to ME but the jury's still out. 
As for me, lots of tears and rants again this morning. I think as the period finally starts to go and the physical pain stops, the emotions start pouring out. I am utterly sick of all this and I am fighting to believe that I am anything more than a broody cow, a figure of fun like the desperate aunt in _Outnumbered_. The problem is that it's my body that's doing this to me and as I tried to explain to my dh, it's so hard when you feel trapped by your own body. If only I could stop the cycle but even that doesn't seem to be possible and it's relentlessly regular, still. 
I'm sorry to hear that surrogacy's going to be outlawed in Norway. It's most unfair and I don't really see the logic behind it. In some ways, it's being going on for centuries, at least in families; Jane Austen had a brother who ended up living with rich relatives who didn't have a child of their own, and he inherited their estate and took their name. It's surrogacy by any other name! 
I find exercise can help and as it's a sunny day here I've been for a cycle ride. At least it helps with the sugar levels. Also, when I'm deep into the country, I can shout and swear and nobody can hear me, unless I startle a dog walker! The signs of coming autumn did make me think about my age, though, which wasn't a good thing. I shall be 50 soon and I can't help thinking there's nothing now but old age. 
Very cheerful! But it is true, even in the blogosphere, a lot of women in their early fifties are on about their grandchildren. This does not help!  Nor do the complaints from people facing the 'empty nest'. I never had anything to put in my nest. I've failed. At least this is how it feels and my job doesn't compensate. 
Anyway, take care both,

Rowanxxx


----------



## Kay123 (Aug 6, 2011)

Hi Rowan

Thank you so much for the info, I so appreciate it... I think I need to do a lot more research just to make sure I have covered everything. I had a long walk today and also noticed the autumn leaves... they seem to have appeared suddenly! I dont know if you do yoga or have ever tried it but I find it helps me with my moods and keeps me more grounded and less panicky... if you are not doing any yoga it may be something to consider. I only started it a year ago when I learnt how effective it was for increasing fertility. After my last failed IVF I couldnt bring myself to doing it again until this week... and I must say despite many challenges this week I am feeling calm and relaxed... so it may be something to think about. I bought a dvd called Fertilty Flow Yoga with Mercedes Ngoh. I actually went to a few of her classes at the end of last year and then just bought her DVD and now do it from home... its really great for relieving stress and repressed emotions. Take care Kay X


----------

