# 1st Failed IVF Sad and No answers



## chocolatebutton (Dec 19, 2010)

Hi all,

Am a newbie to this site as had BFN last week after 1st IVF.  Feel utterly useless as had two EPs previously and thought this might be an answer.  IVF did not go well using NHS treatment - only one egg out of 6 fertilised divided and that was only 3 cells so we have no frosties as a back up plan.

Have used the NHS counseller service once over the telephone - she was very pushy and told me to go back to hospital to get answers or I won't have closure but i really do not want to go back the hospital ever again and it wouldn't have changed anything - we were just treated as cattle rather than patients.  Because the counseller has been so pushy it has put me off using even her services again, which we are entitled to up to 12 months after treatment.  There are just no answers as to why the embies didn't divide or it didn't work which frustrates me as there were never any answers to my previous ectopics either.

Both hubby and I are trying to have a "normal" life again at the moment that doesn't involve injections and hospitals and although I haven't lost my tubes through EP I am at the "sod it" stage with contraception, even though i know i am at risk of another ectopic more so than other people.  
I just need something to look forward to and if I put myself at risk, so be it....can't wait for nothing to happen.





I


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## Good Vibrations (Apr 25, 2009)

Hi Chocolatebutton

I'm so sorry that the first IVF go you had did not work out.  I remember that was the case with our first go and it took a while to pick myself up and dust myself off, but I promise that you do and will.  Take time to be kind to yourself.  I too felt frustrated by the fact that the embies were good, my womb was good for baby baking and everything was as 'good' as could be and yet it didn't work.

Hang in there and sending you a big   

Good Vibrations xx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

The truth is that even when the whole process is optimal the chances are 20-30% per cycle - therefore on average you will need to have between 3-5 cycles to get pregnant with IVF.

You should book an appointment with the consultant for a follow up and review of the number of follicles, the maturity of the eggs, the quality of the sperm and what happened in the lab, and how the womb and hormone levels were.

If you cannot face visiting the consultant at that hospital and want to try at a private clinic you should request a copy of your complete notes to take to the new specialist for them to review and plan your next treatment, hopefully with some better results.

You have proven from the ectopic pregnancies that your eggs can fertilise and produce blastocysts that implant. It sounds like there was a problem with conditions in the lab which might be better in another clinic.


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## chocolatebutton (Dec 19, 2010)

Thank you guys.

Have visited my GP today who has whizzed me off a referral letter to take to the private clinic when I'm ready.  The truth is that I lost faith in the hospital who gave us our treatment during the week of ec and et - there were lots of minor things that happened that I wasn't happy about but put down to the great NHS system.

I think even if I went for a follo w up appointment, I have already lost my trust in this particular hospital and as I say, it won't change a single thing now.  I knew what the odds were before we started but it doesn't make me feel any better, if anything more of a failure! 

x


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## deirdre11 (Sep 22, 2010)

Hi ChocolateButton,

Really sorry also that your first IVF was negative, and really sorry that you weren't supported the way you should have been.  

But please don't feel like a failure, you are not at all!!  You've been brave enough to try IVF, which is not easy, and is emotionally and physically tough.  Rest a while and then try the clinic, at least for a first appointment.  

Try saying to yourself, like Hopeful Hazel said, this is a process where I'm going for several attempts, and some of them will fail.  And it will be through no fault of your own, it's the limits of IVF itself.

Implantation is the most difficult stage (and the 2ww can be the hardest thing of all).

Sending you lots of  ,

Deirdre


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Chocolatebutton

Your message made me really sad so had to drop a note to say hello. We have just had our 2nd failed attempt, found out Boxing Day and were both absolutely crushed, more devastated than we thought we could be. But just 9 days on it's amazing how much stronger I feel already. Still fragile and wanting to be in a cocoon but am already facing so much more than I thought I would be able to. I promise you it DOES get easier but you must give yourself time to heal and grieve. Please don't make any big decisions at this time, you are too vulnerable. 

Your bit about the counsellor hit a nerve with me as I have had a similar experience with the service offered at the hospital we're at. When we found out we needed IVF it took DP a long time to come to terms with it, we argued a lot and he couldn't accept that the chances of us falling naturally were pretty much zero. So we booked in to see the councellor before we had even started any tx and I remember getting upset and she told me to pull myself together and save my tears for treatment as I would be needing them then. Phew, talk about kicking a dog when they're down! Never been back since and at times I have felt so lonely as if I am the only person on the planet feeling the way I do. That is where this site is so helpful because it's full of like-minded girls who have a tonne of experience and a tonne of comfort. LIke someone else said on here, girls who go through IVF are strong as hell!! I sometimes wonder how other people I know would cope when everything in their lives seem so picture perfect. But everyone has their ups and downs. 

We are desperate for answers too, although not excactly sure we are going to get them. If they had the answers to it then everyone would be pregnant first time and sadly it's not the case. I do hope you will see the sunshine again soon and get back on the rollercoaster for another crazy ride.

Love Frothy XX


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## chocolatebutton (Dec 19, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Thanks Frothy - your experience does sound very similar and I shall certainly not be using the counseller nor hospital again.  I know you said it gets better but over Christmas I was feeling very down and having very dark thoughts.
I also returned to work this week after being signed off during and after egg collection.  The doc signed me off with stress as i requested so that the nosy people in the office wouldn't know the real reason.  As soon as i returned, management who did know the real reason for my absence were piling on pressure and filling my diary with dates for meetings which i started to feel panicky and overwhelmed.  I spoke to my line manager and told her the brutal truth of how depressed i had been over xmas and that work were not being helpful.....i have also said that if they are funny about me having time for medical appointments, i shall have no choice but to leave the job.  
Maybe that is a hasty decision but my job looking after special needs children is incredibly stressful in itself.  At least work now know how i feel and if things don't improve in my job, they can't turn to me and say that they weren't aware.  My DH also has not come to terms with it and when i mentioned a 2nd go, he dismissed me and said he doesn't want to talk about it yet but i am desperate to start again.  
Please believe me that i am not a 'me, me, me' person or selfish and always try to think of others so i feel totally out of control and helpless at the moment.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Oh you do sound in a bad way. I can imagine how stressful it was going back and having the pressure piled on. I have a hectic job but it has kind of done me good being back to 100mph at work but in my personal life I am the opposite and still feel very solitary. Someone gave me some advice once after our first cycle failed and they said to me much as I will be desperate to keep going and getting back on to my next cycle that it is advisable to try and take a bit of time out for reflection and to get back to a bit of normality. I didn't believe them at the time - and took no notice either - but as the time has gone on and we have had more failed cycles it has hit me that perhaps they were right. Our hospital make us wait at least 6 months in between fresh cycles anyway so much as I feel I want to fly back onto it I know they are doing this for a reason. So hard as it sounds, and I am not meaning to sound defeated and like you should not carry on but perhaps try and take a bit of time to yourself before getting back on the crazy rollercoaster. Your DH will be bruised and hurt by everything and am sure in time will feel ready to tackle things again so try and give him some time too. 

Do what you need to do with work. It sounds incredibly rewarding but hard work. I would just give the advice not to make any big decisions at the moment; jobs are  precious at the moment and the last thing you want is to be out of work and feeling like all your time is spent thinking of IVF and wanting answers. I hope there is a way of your boss negotiating wtih you what workload and pressure you feel you can handle at the moment without you needing to leave. Would be such a shame and another stress you could probably do without. 

Have a lovely weekend, hope you enjoy some nice time with your DH.

Frothy X


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## chocolatebutton (Dec 19, 2010)

thanks Frothy.

I understand what you are saying - I know I am not in rationale frame of mind at the moment.  DH thinks we should book a holiday for Easter to get away from things for a couple of weeks...which might be a good idea and something nice to look forward to.

With regards to work I will see how things pan out over the next few weeks or so and make a decision then.

Thank you for listening
Chocolatebutton x x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Anytime. I have been there so really do understand what you are feeling. Me and thousands of others, although at times you feel like it's just you. Hope you are enjoying some quality time with friends/family/DH. A break away at Easter sounds lovely - I'm never one to say no to a holiday! 
Best wishes
Frothy X


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## The Great Adventurer (Mar 9, 2006)

Hiya,

Deep empathy.  We have been lucky but we have also had two failed IVF attempts so I know the hope and emotions that are invested into each cycle and the devastation felt when it fails.

In our case we had an average egg harvest 8 eggs, good fertilization, but survival there after was extremly poor, we did not get embryos to do a transfer.  Our embryos just did not survive in culture and they tried different culture media and it still did not work.  In the end we gave up on IVF.  

IVF is like buying a dress that is called "free size" or one size fits all, for some people that size dress will fit for others it wont.  IVF is a very progressive technology and every day the scientists make advances that improve the chances of success.  There is always hope.

I totally agree with Hopeful Hazel you should get your new clinic to  review your treatment notes from your previous attempt otherwise it is  just like going back to square 1 where as with the info of your first  attempt they may be able to tweek your treatment to improve your chances  of success.  For example they may up your stim drug dosage to improve  the egg harvest, or change the culture media to improve embryo survival.

A word of warning:  I thought because I had been through one failure it would make me tougher.  I was soo wrong the second failure felt so much worse because I convinced myself it was sure to work this time.  (I too had to hide my roller coaster of emotions from work).  It was because of how upset I was with each failure that I gave up IVF, it was going to take over my life and send me loopy.

So take that holiday with your DH and have time out to keep the love that keeps your relationship alive going because IVF is hard on a relationship too. 

Wishing you every success in the future,
TGA.


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