# 25 thingsI wish I could tell people about Infertility



## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey all

I was messing around on the net and came across this list (well most of it I added a couple of things in cos I wanted to send it to a friend who was desperate to understand after a slight hiccup between us).  Sorry it's so long but thought I would post it on here - would anyone add anythng to it?



1. I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help. 

3. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. 

4. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side. 

5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling. 

6. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. 

7. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me. 

8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.

9. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief. 

10. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon. 

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty. 

12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal. 

13. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving. 

14. I wish that you will not avoid or stop calling because you don’t know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you. 

15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things (like pregnancies and christenings). Infertility does not make us bad people just people in pain. 

16. I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs, but that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk. 

17. I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind and respect my thoughts and actions. 

18. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.

19. I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance and that this pain will subside.

20. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls.

21. Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.

22. I wish you could see that the goal is not to “get pregnant.” It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.

23. I wish everyone knew that I do not judge them. There are many things which are part of life and I understand that life carries on. People face different choices and I will do my best to be there to love and support even if the situation is as far from my own as can possibly be imagined. When I discovered I was infertile I didn't lose my sense of human compassion.

24. I wish I had never had to write this and that people already knew about infertility and knew that it is ok to talk about it. If someone had a crisis then you would ask how they were doing – that’s what infertility is, a life crisis, and just asking doesn’t mean you will find yourself in an uncomfortable position, it will just show that you care enough to ask.

25. I wish people didn’t exclude me from things just because I am not a Mother. Not having children does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love! I am not an alien because I cannot have children and I am not to be feared or looked at like I have two heads. I did not choose to be infertile and I do not choose to remain childless.


Cherriepie

xxx


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## Juicy (Jan 23, 2008)

Amen to all of those....

I would only add 'If you already have children, don't tell me that I should be glad not to, because they are hard work or tiring or cause problems.  Your children are a precious gift and I want the chance to have a family and all the ups and downs that are part and parcel of it.'  

Good luck with your FET Cherriepie x


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Absolutely agree Cherrypie 

Another one I would like to add......

If, after undergoing treatment, I am lucky enough to have a child/children this does not magically 'cure' the cause or reason for my/our infertility issues and it does not automatically wipe away the years of hurt and pain that we went through in order to have our child.

Maz x


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## Kiwi Rose (May 17, 2008)

Hi Cherripie,

I also found this handout from the infertility network really good.  (actually it helped me too)

DOC] FACT SHEET 3  File Format: Microsoft Word - View as HTML
A GUIDE FOR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES OF PEOPLE. WITH INFERTILITY. INTRODUCTION .... Infertility Network UK. Charter House. 43 St. Leonards Road. Bexhill on Sea ...
www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/uploadedFiles/Services/A%20Guide%20for%20friends%20and%20family%20factsheet.doc - Similar pages 





Kiwi Rose xx

/links


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Just what I needed to find so that I could let people know what it means to us,thanks x


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Hi Cherriepie (great name!)

I've moved your post here as Infertility covers a wide range of treatments as well as IVF so felt that you would get a better response here. More people will read it here  

Rachel


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hi All

Rachel - Thank you for moving it - I had no idea where to put it as, like you say, infertility covers such a wide range of treatments but didn't want to start postng it all over the site.  

Beachgirl - I am glad it helped!  I have always found it really difficult to verbalise things to people I know.

Kiwi - thank you very much for the link - I will definitely be taking a peek.  I keep going through stages where I think "yeah, I have accepted this" and then all of a sudden I am back to square one so every little helps (as Tesco would say)....lol.

Mazv - That is so true and it sucks that people think that once someone has a baby that's the end of the road!  It doesn't take everything else away - there are more often than not little angels that we will miss every day and sometimes, people would like to have more than one so their journey is nowhere near over.

Juicy - This is one of the things that really manages to p**s me off.  The whole "they do my head in" thing.  I know they are probably venting frustration but they are really blessed and I could do without hearing it!  It also annoys me when people say "You can have mine".  For me there are soooo many things wrong with that statement!  

Much   and babydust!

Cherriepie

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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Thanks Cherriepie!   

That is really interesting and through provoking, I think I will print it out and will use a few of those in the future!  I had an e-mail from a friend today basically saying (having to translate from Dutch here!) "come on snap out of it, I want to see the old happy smiling Sue back with her sense of humour".  That stunned me, but I am definitely going to use point number 1 on her!!!!  There is no way I am going to apologise to her for being down after a BFN!  

Kiwi Rose - thanks for that link, I might show that to my parents.  I don't know if there lack of talking/asking about my treatment is due to their embarrassment, not wanting to upset me or basically a lack of interest.  Hopefully it will give them some guidelines so I will know one way or another!

Sue  and   to all.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey all

Kiwi - had a look at that link.  Wish I had found it sooner but def think I will be putting it to good use.  A lot of my friends (or so called friends) have completely avoided me since I started the infertility journey, especially at work.  I know that it's probably down to not knowing about infertility and not knowing what to say but I havn't heard anything at all from some of them - not even a hello in the passing - so maybe I will give them a copy of it.  Have thought about sending them the tears and hope video too.

Wraakgodin - I am so sorry to hear about the BFN    .  Like the list says we need to grieve before we heal.  I have always found that kind of reaction/comment from friends frustrating.  No-one likes change and I guess the essence of those comments is that they want to see us happy again but unfortunately for us we won't ever be the same person as before (or at least I know I won't be) even if we have a child.  I was always up for a girlie night in or out and some friends can't get their head around why I'm not anymore even in between tx.  I'm not saying that I don't drink at all now.  I still enjoy a glass or two of rose but even in between tx I am always aware of what I am putting into my body and the effect that it has.  And that's only one example of how my life has changed.  I think people just struggle to comprehend the huge impact that infertility has on you.  I am just so glad that I found FF!!!

Take care......

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## katiechick (Jan 12, 2008)

Cherriepie,

Thankyou for that list it has helped as i have just had a bfn fet and with family members being pregnant. Think i will give both our families a copy of this so they can have some idea of what we are going through.

Thankyou.
Katie xxx


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## karzo (Mar 13, 2008)

nice list Cherrypie. brought a tear to my eye (in a good way) as some of my friends have been, well, less than understanding, and i have somehow thought it was my fault.  i missed a b'day party last week after a BFN, and couldn't face all the jollity. my friend is still peed off that i didnt go, but, well, she never asks how I am, how its going etc. i have to get over the feeling of being a whinger and just tell her there are worse things than missing a party. might just use some of the 25 lines ....
cheers
K


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## Kiwi Rose (May 17, 2008)

Hi cheripie - just realised you are on my cyclebuddy thread.  Funny how people cross on here.  (the empty arms utube clip is great too - it's on the site somewhere)

I think I am definitely a different person because of IF.  I used to be a happy go lucky kind of person.  I still have fun but somehow I feel a sadder person.........don't know ......its hard to describe.

I gave the leaflet to both my mum and my mother in law.  Wasn't sure how they would react but I guess it is helpful that they come from somewhere official like the infertility network.  Actually it really helped.  My mum now asks about treatment and my MIL has stopped telling us to "relax and it'll happen".  So all in all a big success. (so go for it katie)

wraakgoodin - "with friends like that who needs enemies"  

have a good week ladies



Kiwi Rose  xx


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## katiechick (Jan 12, 2008)

Hi Kiwi Rose,

Glad it helped u am thinking go giving it to my sil as she is pg and i cant really stand been round her not in a nasty but because she is pg. My other sil has just had a baby to and finding it really hard as both our families don't ask how tx is going or how we r feeling so think i will give them a leaflet what harm can it do eh!

I am also like u i feel like i have become a different person because of IF. I also wish people will stop telling me "you are still young and have time it will happen" but i feel when u have fertility problems it doest matter what age u are people find it difficult and age shouldn't come into it. A lot of people tell say that to me and i feel like shouting at them but i just say yes.(sorry if i have upset anyone with this comment).

Have a nice night girls.

Katie xx


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## Pinky3 (Jul 30, 2008)

Hi Katie

I know how you are feeling about your sis - mine is due to have her baby any day now and i know when i see the baby my heart will brake a little bit more.  She's been pretty good about my tx (sympathetic & interested) and thats all i could ask for.

George x


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## sharon1973 (Apr 9, 2006)

Wow that was amazing to read.

I wish I had had then when I first started out. It's very sad how many of my so called friends I'm no longer in contact with as they couldn't understand 'my problem'.



Kiwi Rose said:


> I think I am definitely a different person because of IF. I used to be a happy go lucky kind of person. I still have fun but somehow I feel a sadder person.........don't know ......its hard to describe.


Exactly how I feel, even now.

Sharon xx


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hi All

Sharon - think we all wish we had it in the beginning  - maybe it should be distributed to all the clinics and then we could just pass it on to people.... 

Pinklady - That's one of the hardest things isn't it.  Will be thinking of you and sending you strength and   (I know I needed it when my sis had her second).  It's really good that she has taken an interest in you though, hopefully that makes things a little easier.  

Katie Chick - I am so sorry to hear about the BFN.  . and that neither of your families have asked about tx.  I think you should give it to them.  Sometimes people are just scared to ask in case it upsets you - a lot of them don't realise that sometimes we need to cry or be upset but more importantly be listened to.  As for the age thing - it bugs the life out of me too.  I've been hearing that for last 6 years or so feel like screaming at them "so I should be sad every birthday because according to you 'oh wise one' my chances have gone down".....lol.  But like you I just say "yeah I know" with my best fake smile on my face.  Maybe I will stop doing that and just say what I think (in the nicest way I can).

Karzo - so sorry to hear about your friends.  Especially that your friend is ****** about her birthday!!!  Took me a while to realise that it wasn't my fault and that I hadn't done anything wrong.  Now I just think I learned a really valuable lesson, I now know who my true friends are and I am now glad those others aren't in my life anymore - don't have to deal with their "drama" now.  Bloody hurt at the time though!!  So sending you lots of  .

Kiwi Rose - I thought I had seen you around here somewhere.  Only just joined the thread.  Sorry for forgetting but where are you with tx?  (I blame the meds for my memory....lol).  I agree with you about the sadder thing but think mostly I am more serious if that makes any sense.  Still do have a sense of humour but I think I have used it less lately.  I just don't seem to laugh as much.  Good to hear that you got a positive response from giving them the leaflet - I've always been to scared of upsetting other people....how ironic.....lol.

Sending you all strength,   and not forgetting lots of  .

Cherriepie.

xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Lentil (Jun 3, 2008)

Kiwi Rose said:


> Hi Cherripie,
> 
> I also found this handout from the infertility network really good. (actually it helped me too)
> 
> ...


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## Kiwi Rose (May 17, 2008)

Hi lentil,

It's funny how people read things.  I certainly don't want people asking loads of intrusive questions or "any news yet?" every time i see them, but I do get really upset when people who know we are having treatmend don't even ask "how are you or how's it going?" every now and then.  guess it all depends how well you know them.  I certainly don't want my colleagues and the people who need to know everything so that they are ahead with the gossip rather than actually being bothered about you.

Cherriepie - I'm about to go for a scan on Thursday and if everythingis OK I'll start stimming then.  I've been on the pill up until now so I didn't have to do any downregging.

Katie - hang on in there.  it is really hard.  somehow though for me I find that once the baby arrives it becomes easier.  It's pregnant people i fing hard to deal with.
I am definitely with you onthe "don't worry you are still young"thing.  It may be true that fertility treatments are more successful while we are still young but it does nothing to acknowledge the fact that part of our pain is to do with loss of a dream - the expectation that your body will work as it should.

lots of love to all you lovely ladies



Kiwi Rose x


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## holly01 (Feb 10, 2007)

OMG that is fantastic!!!!
def think it should be printed up and passed to all family and friends  
i would add 'just because i am not drinking dosent mean i am PG!!!'
after being out with a couple at the wend who KNOW about our IF and he kept asking dh and me why are u's not drinking


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Evening All

Just a quick fly by....

Holly - glad you liked it and love the addition!!!!  Have had that one a lot - even girls at work gossiping saying "bet she is pregnant" when I wasn't drinking at a work function.  They didn't know about IVF though.

Kiwi - Good luck for the scan on Thursday.  I hope it all goes well.  Sending lots and lots of     your way.  

Lentil - I kind of agree with you and Kiwi about the whole asking questions thing.  For me wanting being asked applies to people I am close to and like you don't want nosy people asking just for something to gossip about.  

 &   to everyone.

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