# Struggling to cope



## Taz29duffy (Feb 11, 2016)

We have our review appt for starting first IVF today privately. I am 38 and have thin uterine lining.

Over the last 3 weeks 3 close friends have all announced their pregnancies (all conceived 1st or 2nd month trying and all my age or older).

Yesterday sister in law had her first baby. 

I am not coping; I am consumed with anger at our situation. I feel angry at my sister in law for having her baby at this time (reasonable part of me knows this is unreasonable, but emotional part is really fired up).  I can't even talk about the baby without dissolving into tears. I also feel bitter that sister in law struggled to conceive for 1 year, but during that time the whole family was focused on her; everyone was concerned and her situation was constantly talked about. 9 months and a new baby is coming into the family and I'm forgotten about- I feel like I'm not valued and that I don't matter. I know this sounds childish and selfish, but I feel it. All conversation is on the pregnancy and sensitivity is out the window.

For weeks I can't sleep, I regularly leave work in tears and I simply hate the path my life is going down.

I desperately want children, but loathe the thought of IVF, but am willing to give it my all. 

Am I depressed? I don't think so, but I am sad, bitter and angry at my lot. I have become a jealous person and I hate what infertility is doing to me.


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## Dozydaisy (Jan 31, 2016)

Hi Taz.. I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish! Good luck for your appt today. I hope you feel more positive afterwards. Are you doing anything extra to try and relax? I'd throughly recommend reflexology and accupuncture. Also relaxations/medications, lots of free stuff online and lots of apps that could help. The other things I did when I felt low was make use to the counsellor at my clinic, it's not for everyone but to have  someone who can help you rationalise your thoughts, put them into perspective and general have a chat with really helped me. This journey is full of ups and downs, this board has helped me enormously to have so many people experiencing the same things to talk it over with. My friends don't really get it, my family get it at times. I have learned the more support you can create around tou for yourself helps you get though.. Even on really dark days it's helped me pick myself up again and again. Good luck xx


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## Taz29duffy (Feb 11, 2016)

Thank you for your support. None of us have easy journeys.

I guess I'm scared that I'm becoming bitter and hateful towards others. I am consumed in my own sadness and feel nothing but negative emotions to others whose life's are passing me by. I chose to so late myself and stay away from others as much as possible, as it's much less painful than being surrounded by people being pregnant, talking about their children, moaning about their children etc. 

I worry about how our relationship will survive this. I have become a bitter, barren *****!x


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## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

Hi Taz, firstly a big hug. 

I don't understand why you're reticent about IVF. (that's not to say you're wrong or bad to feel you'd rather not tatke the journey, just that I don't understand xx). If I were you, hell, I was you, a lot of us were/are, sadly, you're just not alone, I'd do what it took... (that was right for me, it might not be right for you. xx)

You're goal is to have a little one. I know the pain of watching those around you fall pregnant at the drop of a hat...or lingerie item and even had conversations with those who didn't particularly want children...nice. Anyway, I'd try and stay goal orientated. By doing IVF, that's you taking charge ? Doing everything it takes to put the odds back in your favour ? It is an exhausting, rollercoaster journey...i hope you have your head in the right place before starting. From the outside, it looks easy but when it doesn't work first time it can be really difficult.

On the plus side, you're 'only' 39, a full 3 years younger than me when I started the process and a full 11 years younger than some of the ladies on my successful cycle so you do still have some time to play with.

My advice (advice, I think that Sunscreen song covered advice), would be grasp where you're at and focus on where you want to be and take the steps necessary, whatever they may be, to get there.

I don't think you're any more depressed or bitter than any of us. I think you're understandably pished off with where you're at, just as I and many ladies are/were. So in summary, you're perfectly normal, normal status and just a little off focus. 

Lots of hugs and please, take the steps you feel are right for you. Focus on where you want to be rather than where you're at, you're at square 1, define square 2 and make the necessary arrangements. (Anything from an appointment to a holiday or walk in the park)

xxxx


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## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

i've sent you a PM xxx


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## Taz29duffy (Feb 11, 2016)

Thank you.

I'm just going through a hard time. I'm scared of IVF and resent that we are paying so much money to do something with a 20% success rate!  I'm scared of the drugs, the SIde effects and the procedures and above all the possible negative outcome! I'm a doctor and I'm more scared than most of the process! 

I simply hate the fact I'm different and it stings that my family's treatment of me is so indifferent, compared to my sister in law- I am envious and feel that I'm not as important. So childish and silly! Sorry!X


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## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

I think we spent £30k getting our little one. Best money we ever spent and I thank....I'm thankful we had it to spend. 

I'm a chemist who usually works offshore and my salary has fallen from ~70k/yr to £500/month and I feel richer than I've ever felt. I don't understand that at all. 

Are you in UK, do you not qualify for free treatment? We didn't, my age.

Some of your perceived family reaction will be based on the sting of not having a little one, some of it will be 'real'. If you have a good relationship with your family...I'm guessing they're not fully up to speed with where you're at with the fertility thing ? Perhaps you can talk it through with them, get them onside...? I know this isn't always possible, or even wanted but you might be surprised by their thoughts. Sometimes family members stop mentioning such things in order to be sensitive to you ?

xxx


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Loulu28 has written beautiful and succinct advice. I know all too well the feelings of bitterness and resentment. I also remember being terrified of IVF and all the what ifs that accompanied it. What if I don't respond to the drugs? What if they make me crazy? Worst of all, what if it doesn't work? The latter was my biggest fear as deep down I didn't really give a stuff if the drugs sent me haywire as if it got me my baby, then that was a price I was willing to pay. But to go through all that for nothing - yep, I can completely relate. But I weighed it up. What am I more scared of; not ever having a baby or not having a baby but having given everything a go? The answer was the first. Because the only future what if' would have been massive - "what if I had gone through with it and it had worked?" - that wasn't something I wanted to regret, if you see what I mean. The chances are slightly higher than 20% and remember - it's 'only' 20% chance during natural conception too. IVF gives a bit of a boost in that regard. 

With regards to your family, I can completely understand how isolated you must feel at the moment. I agree with Loulu in that if you have a good relationship with your family they might not know that you're feeling this way. When a new baby comes along, and especially if it is the first grandchild etc, that will be a big focus. But it doesn't in any way mean that your feelings are not important. It's definitely a possibility that your family may be trying to spare your feelings as it is a sensitive subject - some people prefer to talk about it and some people prefer to keep it private. If there's a family member you can trust or, even better, use as a shoulder to cry on then see if you can get them alone and let out how you're feeling. Sometimes it just takes an outpouring to lessen the effects of the problem, even if the problem itself is still there. 

If you're going private, maybe consider a clinic with a fertility counsellor? Or, if not, is there any way you could visit a counsellor? My psychologist helped me through all of my infertility and associated worries, and I have no idea what I would have done without her.

Lots of love to you. Xx


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## Taz29duffy (Feb 11, 2016)

Thank you for your replies.

Some days I'm fine and others I literally limp through.

Bit gutted as I thought I would start treatment this month, but it will be next. On a positive note AMH was higher (17.2) and lining thicker than it's ever got (8.2mm).


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## kgemini (May 11, 2016)

I dont have any words of wisdom to add to what the other ladies have replied.

loulu28 what you wrote about taking charge is so true and it has spurred me on.

Wishing you luck x


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