# Hitting



## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

We have recently adopted a little boy. He has lived with us for just over 3 month and is now 19 months old. We feel he is starting to attach to us, however we have some issues with him hitting me round the face. Sometimes it is in frustration if he wants me to put him down but sometime he comes over for a cuddle or climbs on my lap and hits me for no obvious reason. He never hits my husband. We are not sure how to stop this behaviour, we have tried calmly saying no hitting and moving him off of me, I have used a sterner tone but he has just laughed in my face and did it again. We are very aware that we don’t want to shame him or make him feel like we are rejecting him but we don’t know where to go from here. Can anyone offer any advice? Thank you x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,
I didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say many of us have been there (I do remember these early days with a toddler who had lots of feelings and not enough vocabulary). Three months is still extremely early days & your bond is still growing.

This thread might be helpful for you for ideas. Most of ours we just rode out but I did feel a bit abused for a long time as his outbursts were directly at me most of the time.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=359265.msg6574489;topicseen#msg6574489

Xx


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## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you so much for your reply. I cannot access that link , do I need special permission? X


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## LunaWop (Jun 16, 2015)

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me replying. I don't have experience with adopted children, but my son is 21 months old and also had been going through a hitting phase. We have started (very short!) timouts in the "naughty corner" since in our case it was obvious that he could understand that he wasn't supposed to do it but still kept at it for defiance. It is a phase and it's getting better, though he still does it when he is overexcited. I think sometimes it's frustration and other times he only misjudged his strength (and was actually aiming for more gentle pats). Of course we limit timeouts to the corner, and only after telling him a couple of times...

Best of luck!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Please don’t do time out with children who’ve had separation this is likely to increase their anxiety and in return behaviours are likely to increase or escalate.
X


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

You’ve likely considered it already, but my lb came home at 21 months & after 4 months went through a horrible slapping phase, repeatedly, and directed to my face. It presented itself mainly when getting in & out of the car seat. Unfortunately I live in a village with no shops etc & after 4 months was starting to trial different playgroups so going out was completely unavoidable. I tried to reduce the Number of journeys rather than do something on s morning, come home have lunch then get in the car again in the afternoon. Although it seemed truly awful at the time the phase was pretty short lived in the grand scheme (a month maybe?). I tried to hold his hands whenever possible (often in a preemptive move!!) & when he did it placed him on the shoe step & stayed with him, often holding his hands until his hitting hands had gone away. He would laugh (which infuriated OH!) and would often just restart the hitting, but we were consistent in what we said to him.
Is there a trigger you can think of?
Rarely, the hitting hands still come out (& then it tends to be a single, angry flash of a hand that knows better!! & I’ll remind him that he can hit a cushion or bang his hands (like a drum) on the arm of the sofa but that we do not hit people as that can hurt.
We were still under ss when it was happening & my sw mentioned a book but felt he was a bit young for it (hands are not for hitting?)


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## Baking Queen (Jul 7, 2014)

My little girl is almost 17 months and she hits and bites me but nobody else. I’ve been saying ‘no’to her very firmly and removing her from my lap when she does it. I think it’s more likely to be a developmental stage.  
BQ. xx


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## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you Helend75 for your advice. When he first came home he definitely preferred my husband to me and I was the brunt of head butts and hitting. The head butts stopped after the first few weeks but the hitting has continued. Sometimes there is a obvious trigger like the car seat or picking him up to cross the road but he wanted to walk etc but the difficult ones for me are when we are having fun playing or he is sitting on my lap and there is no obvious reason. I am really struggling with how to deal with it as I am very wary of damaging the bond we have started to build. At the moment I am just saying ‘no hitting’ and putting him down (but staying in the same room) I am always questioning things he does as to whether he is just being a toddler or whether certain behaviours are due to his circumstances. It makes you over think everything


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

As crazy as it sounds him directing this at you isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as he must perceive you as ‘safe’ enough to show his true feelings too. He has learnt you will not hurt him back and that he has a level of trust in you that he doesn’t for others, where he is containing. I think your approach is the right one, firm message given but staying close to him. Time in as opposed to time out is much more appropriate with our kids. I think often behaviours can be the same as their peer group, but the severity or the reasons behind them are very different for children with developmental trauma / attachment difficulties. You’re doing great xxx


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