# Singles Who Did You Tell and Why?



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Since I've decided to go forward (heard I'm officially on the list now and the wait begins!!!!!) I've started telling close family/friends and it has made me more aware of potential issues that may surface down the road.  I should say that my mum has been very supportive, albeit some of her comments this week have thrown me for a loop  

Here's the problem. I live in a small community in the South West. I go to Church and sadly there is a lot of gossip at my Church - especially when a single woman there fell pregnant by more traditional means. I've mentioned some concerns I have about the gossip to the vicar and he is aware of it, but it pains me greatly to hear very very personal things about people spread around the Church and our small community - they of course get twisted and I'm sure people would be hurt. I have to say I also think my Church is against reproductive help - with families choosing to stay childless if it "doesn't happen naturally as God intended" - obviously I don't subscribe to this belief and actually contacted a few Christian organizations who are fully supportive of reproductive technology & support!  

But in my small community, my GP is friends with a good friends, the locum GP (who fills in weekly) goes to my Church, the Obstetrician who would deliver if there were complications goes to my Church, two of the midwives go to my Church, the Consultant I would see if I had pregnancy complications goes to my Church. See a pattern here? 

So, my question is basically as a single it is obvious the baby isn't a husbands or partners etc so who did you decide to tell you used a sperm donor or embryo donation or egg donation and why or why not? Have you regretted telling certain people? If you decided not to tell people, did they ask questions about partner/boyfriend/father and how did you handle that?

Sorry this is so long, I'm just worried after I got the comment from someone who is actually very liberal "they will think you are an immoral woman" (and yes I did think we'd gone back to 1950!!!!)   YIKES!


----------



## midnightaction (May 20, 2003)

*Bluebelle Star*

I live in the South West as well, not sure where you are, I am in Cornwall 

Your message made me very sad and a little bit mad, I really do find antiquated views like this annoying, it is the 21st century after all 

I am a single lesbian, and many people practically have a fit when they find out I am going through IVF, and you know what I actually couldn't care less what they think. This is my life, my choices and this potential future baby is what I want more than anything else in the world and if people don't like it then thats their problem and their loss.

I honestly don't believe your child and how they were brought into this world is anybodies business, especially someone who is going to look down their nose at you.Only you can decide if and what you want to tell people and I can not tell you want is right or wrong but I honestly don't think you should feel like you have to tell anybody anything you are not comfortable with.

Me personally, I tell everybody everything (I am not telling anyone I am currently cycling as I don't want to let anyone down, long story, but as soon as i get that BFP you won't shut me up !!) I am proud of this whole journey I have been on and I want to shout it from the roof tops, I want everyone to know that I am a strong independant woman and I am gonna be a fantastic mum

As you can tell I feel quite strongly about this, and I feel like I want to tell you that during such an important time in your life you should only be surrounded by positive people and attitudes.

This is just my opinion and I am sure others on here will help bring more balance, this is just a very emotive subject to me.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the wait on Stepans list is not too long 

Sarah xxx


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh Bluebelle, this does sound very hard  
I live in a small village too, but am not terribly involved in the community here, and don't have too many concerns about what they will think if I suddenly start sporting a bump! Having said that, I am a governor at the local school which is very closely involved with the local church...not sure what the will think but will cross that bridge when I come to it

I agree with much of what Sarah has said - it's your life, and your choices, you have a right to happiness as much as the next person. Sometimes there will be people who disagree with our choice to try to have a child via IUI/IVF, but that is their issue and not ours. 

I would personally prefer people to know that my child was a planned pregnancy, which I went into after a great deal of thought and with the interests of the child always firmly in mind - rather that than they make assumptions about it being an accident/one night stand etc. So my thinking is that I will tell people so that they do not jump to false conclusions. Not sure if I will change my mind about this when I'm actually pregnant, but that's how I feel now at least

In your case, it does sound a bit harder given the small and close community. I just really hope that your fears prove unfounded and that they end up totally supporting you and your decision. And if not, then you can always move - we keep talking about setting up a commune somewhere  

Jokes aside, I know it must seem very daunting, but once you are pregnant I'm sure you'll just be so very happy, that all the rest of it will pale into insignificance

best of luck,
Suitcase
x


----------



## hopehopehope (Dec 8, 2008)

Hi there - i feel that it is the childs right to tell people not yours, it's their privacy as well. So I personally would just give a wry smile and leave everyone guessing. 

The only person who NEEDS to know is you - maybe your mother and best friend- that's it. I'm a blabber and have told mother, aunt, and about 5 friends and 3 people at work. But I live in a more progressive area. Really feel for you - it's bad enough as it is, nevermind this extra stress. Wishing you all the luck in the world. x


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Blimey Bluebell - I vote for move, just move     

Seriously - sounds like it could be quite difficult. 

I haven't really had any hard and fast rules with it. I;d have only forgotten them  . All of my family know I've had treatment, and all my friends. I've mentioned it to aquaintances and neighbours if its come up in anyway. I have no particular issues with it. Mind you - I haven't openly been asked by anybody about the father etc, apart from my parents when I told them I was pg (they didn't know I was having treatment), and a woman at work who asked if my partner went to the scan with me. She wasn't being nosy - just a comment. 

I have found that although most people have heard of IVF, the reality is that I don't think they really know what it means  . Most people associate it directly with infertility and have no idea of donors, embryo donations, iui's etc, so they wouldn't really know what to ask anyway. I usually do just say I had IVF (probably not strictly true) and then people seem genuinely pleased for me.

No idea if people are saying things behind my back

LL xxx


----------



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Thanks so much to the ladies who've replied so far, hopefully some who are mums will chime in too! I really appreciate all your wisdom!

Midnight - thanks for your kind words. You are right it is something to celebrate, I do feel proud that after so many difficult challenges being thrown our way, single women can have children by choice, providing for them, loving them and giving them stable loving families! I think within my faith there is just a total lack of understanding and I really never realized that until this week (how naive was I) - when I was adopting it was more accepted but still seen as maybe being slightly selfish not waiting for God to bring a husband. It's funny because personally I know many adoptive families who are by far the most selfless people I've ever met. Amazing how things can get distorted isn't it? That caring for children in need isn't simply seen as an amazing thing to do! 

Suitcase - Thank you. The conversations I heard this week, I honestly think there will be no support at all. If I explain what I did I will be condemned for getting involved with science, not waiting and trusting the Lord would provide a husband etc, if I let them think I was pregnant through a relationship, I will have to step down from all my roles at Church, not be allowed to read in Church (I just found out they did this when a single woman had a baby 2 years ago) and seen as a fallen woman.  Although there are a couple of men in the Church who have had no judgement. And we think things are equal  

Hope - You make a really good point. It is the child's story - this is something I learned through my adoption experience and the work I do, that the child should always feel like they own their story and have a choice as to who knows. With embryo donation this is even more of an issue as the child(ren) should know about their genetic parentage before others do who could chat about it etc. Thanks for the reminder, I know when I was adopting I went to a really interesting conference and the specialist (from the US) basically said what you are saying, there is no shame but it is your child's information and you have to balance the need to be proud with the fact your child might not want people to know. 

Lottie - I like your first suggestion to move. If I get on a course I've applied for (find out in a month) and am ttc (& successful) I'll need to stay here another 2-4 years, but ideally would like to move either to a larger city or the outskirts of a larger city where there is more diversity - financial, cultural, social, racial etc before my kids enter school. HHmm...that's a good point re just saying IVF without the specifics, I can certainly use that with friends/colleagues although if I said that to the people at my Church I think I'd sent them into a tizzy!

I think part of the problem is even if I stop going to the Church, I'm still at the same GP, the same delivery unit, the same school will be my child's school etc. I don't feel I am doing anything shameful and don't believe I should hide or feel I have to do anything differently but I also think I have to act in a way that my child doesn't feel everyone knows about how they were conceived before they do. Such a tough balance as I think we'll be judged either way and I want my child to be proud of their story while still knowing I respected it was their story..... Oh to be anonymous in a large city!!! 

Can I ask, did you all tell your GP you were ttc via donor eggs/embryos/sperm donation etc?


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I did tell my GP - the first one was great, really supportive, did all the blood tests for free etc and helped me find information etc. Then she left the practice so I had to see a different one, who was the complete opposite - totally unsupportive, implied I was mad for having tx abroad etc. As a result of her behaviour I have never been back to the surgery. Slight problem as is the only one in the village! Have been lucky enough not to have needed doctor for anything since then (this was about Jan this year). I do need my bloods doing again though so am going to go back but ask for a different doctor (there are 3 or 4 of them there) so I don't have to see that one again.

And I hope I'm not upsetting you by saying this, but any Church which has that attitude is rather missing the point of christianity as far as I can see. I'm not terribly religious and I don't go to church myself, but in my perhaps rather simplistic view, the whole point of christianity/god/church is to support, forgive, and love....their behaviour doesn't sound like any of this....
I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but is there any chance you could find another church (perhaps in a neighbouring village) which has a somewhat less radical stand point?

Am thinking of you, sounds like there are going to be some challenges along the way, but you'll get through them  

Suitcase
x


----------



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Oh Suitcase I'm so sorry you had that experience with the new GP   I can totally understand why you haven't gone back!  Poor you! I'm not sure what I'm going to do but my feeling is I don't want my GP involved...hmm...

You are RIGHT re the Church! When I lived abroad (North America for several years) I found Churches were so much more diverse, there were adoption missions, infertility support (including financial) for couples and singles, teams that went out to orphanages to teach the kids english/do repair work, so many clubs and social groups, Africa nights, language lessons etc. I've really struggled since I came back to the UK to find a Church that's active like that, open minded, diverse etc. I'm sure they exist, just not in my neck of the woods. The next closest Church is only about 3 miles away, but is the sister Church and very similar (in fact all the people at mine started there and then the Church planted to where I am) but I'll keep looking! 

Thanks again, it is so good to know that while one might be not going with the "norm" where you live, there are other singles breaking down the same barriers around the UK! Good to know you're not alone so to speak!


----------



## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Bluebelle, sorry to hear of the challenging circumstances in which you are TTC.    You asked about how single mums of donor conceived children had coped with other's opinions and misconceptions. You might want to read from around page 24 of the following thread, where my experience on being an SMC in my local community and within my family and friends were expressed, and where others also posted about their own thoughts and experiences:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=146368.360

The discussion may go into the subsequent "calling all women" thread, so do check, as Maya had concerns about how her family (particularly her father) would accept her position as a single mum given their catholic faith. There was a happy outcome to her story.  To be clear, I did not and have not had any confrontation on religious grounds, but I know the discussion touched on this given Maya's circumstances.

Also, if you haven't read it yet, you might want to get a copy of "A child against all odds" by Robert Winston, which explores how different faiths see IVF. It may at least provide you with a little ammunition when speaking to people at your church.

Finally, I just wanted to proffer an alternative view on whose right it is to tell people about how your child was conceived. I believe that it is my right to tell people who ask me, for a couple of very straightforward reasons - 1) it is not only my child's story, but mine as well; and 2) I do not want people quizzing my 3 year old child because his mother isn't forthcoming. And believe me, the latter does happen.  I cannot "protect" him forever, and he is being brought up in an open and transparent manner about his conception, and to be proud of who he is, without fear of how others will react to his conception. However, people are always curious, and kids are more so. I am going to take down one of the books provided by donor conception network to poppet's nursery and see if it can be read in class when they next talk about families, and the different types of families there are, alongside the other stories and songs they use with the kids. In time, poppet will decide who he wants to tell, and who not. But I hope it does not become a thing of shame for him, and I am actively seeking other SMCs to spend time with so that he realises that there are plenty of families around just like ours. It's good for me too - I find other SMCs very interesting people to be around, and tend to find many areas in common.

Anyway, hope some of that helps.

A-Mx


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Indekiwi - I agree totally that its my story too. A bit horrified at the bit that people might ask LO about his background without asking me    . Blimey - more reason that ever to be open with others. 

I've actually found it very different to telling people when I adopting. Nowhere near as much nosiness or questions. I wonder if thats because people are much more used to single mums than they are adoptive parents? The things people would ask!!!! Of course the obvious - 'why is she being adopted'? NONE OF YOUR BLOOMING BUSINESS!!!! Now that is one area where I do believe adoptive children have their own story and experience and its totally up to them who they disclose that too. But I haven't had the same questions about being single and pg xxxxx


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Patterdale said:


> My mother however seems to have told every person she has met!!!!!! I do keep reminding her that this is my private life


  . Same here - I actually think she's probably quite proud of what I did xx

Gosh yes, forgot to answer Bluebell about the medical stuff. I always told my medical people - tbh it never occurred to me not to. But then, it isn't a small practice or anything so I had no concerns with confidentiality. Mostly I've been met with no particular interest (which is fine) or positive reactions. One midwife asked some particulalry ridiculous questions ("did you go abroad so you could choose the sex") and unfortunately then ran out of the room before she could learn anything! I've had a few hospital doctors ask questions but I could tell that was because they were genuinely interested in the sort of sciency/medical part of the process, and it wasn't offensive at all.

I know there HAS been some comments behind my back because one of my friends accidentally let something slip one day - I felt so sorry for her. But I do believe that the people who judge probably aren't the kind of parents I'd want to be anyway, so maybe I'm pleased they disagree with me   . For e.g. my friends abusive alcoholic child ignoring husband isn't sure its the right thing to do  . You couldn't make it up!!

LL xx


----------



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Gosh thanks ladies, you've given me a lot of food for thought and reassurance! 

Indie - Thanks I'm reading that thread now. I'm amazed people would think to ask your son questions, wow. 

Patterdale - That's a good idea to be clear what you will discuss (i.e. donor is American). 

Lottie - I too remember those questions well - amazing what people think they have a right to know about a child who is being adopted! 

Re mums - it is funny, I would say mine is very liberal (not a Christian) and I know she'd prefer me to use my own eggs rather than a donor embryo, but the odd thing is since I've officially started she seems to have completely panicked about what on earth people will think, that no one in the family must know,  she seems to be so worried about it all and thinks I should move asap, she thinks my Christian friends will think I'm immoral and judge me and I think she'd happily tell friends/family (non-Christians) that I have a lovely partner who works away. I keep trying to discuss it with her and be clear there is no shame, I won't let my child(ren) feel shame and that there is no need to lie about anything at all! But she is so uncomfortable I've let it drop and will give her a few weeks to process everything. Funny thing is though I keep telling her even if I used my own eggs I'd still have to be in my community & pregnant, so her pressuring me to use my own eggs isn't anything that will solve my current dilmena. She was always supportive of adoption, but also didn't want me to write off having bio children as well.  You know what? I guess you'll never make everyone happy and nor should you try. 

For those that used donor embryo or donor eggs, did you keep that private? or reveal? I guess I'm more worried about that then people knowing I had IVF etc.


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Bluebelle,

I haven't done it yet, so can't comment exactly on how I'll feel when I get pregnant (I so hope it's when and not if  ) what I can say now is that I had no problem at all when it was just a sperm donor I needed. I would quite happily have shared that with anyone and everyone. Afterall I'm single, so they would have wondered anyway...and as said in the previous post, I would rather they knew it was planned than some sort of one night stand or 'accident' 

I do feel a bit differently about double donation/egg donor, and somehow I feel more reluctant to share this information widely. I also see no particular need to as it's not something people are going to ask about - at least not initially. I'm not ashamed of needing an egg donor as such, it's just so much more complicated and would require a much more detailed explanation if you know what I mean.

I have already told close friends and family that I need double donation so no issue there - they have all been supportive - at least publically anyway. No idea what they are saying behind my back but that is ultimately their issue. As long as they never make it difficult for the child then they are entitled to whatever private opinions they may have. That said, based on the feedback I've had so far, I think all of them just genuinely want me to be happy and if this is what I need to do for that, they they are all for it. I am blessed with some truly wonderful friends  

As for strangers/acquaintances/work etc - I think the egg donor side is something I would only mention if they particularly ask or comment. eg in the future if someone was to comment how unlike me the child looked - I might refer to it then to explain, or if they actually ask for the specifics when I tell them I had tx (can't actually imagine that happening to be honest, but I suppose some people might be super curious)...
I also think ultimately it might be something I choose to share with teachers etc if I think that would be beneficial for the child - would have to play that one by ear I think. 

I 100% intend that the child know all about their beginnings, including the egg donor aspect of it, but the tricky part is in the early years when they don't really understand it - how much to tell others then, before the child is old enough to be part of the decision as to what is/isn't shared with whom

As I say, I'm truly blessed with my friends and family who have been so supportive and understanding, I'm very lucky. I think with people I know less well, I will not talk about the egg donor side of things - I see no particular need...at least not at this stage, my feelings may change over time

Suitcase
x


----------



## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

I have had one cycle of double donor IVF, which was unsuccessful   and hope to have another before the end of the summer.  I have not withheld this information from anyone, although truth be told, not so many tend to ask about the egg side of things as they probably assume I am still able to use my own, and in most cases, probably don't realise that egg donation is even possible.     I don't care who knows, in fact, since I am very comfortable and confident about my decision.  Since my neighbours, family and friends all know what I am doing, it hardly makes egg and sperm donation a shock story later down the line.  I do have friends who have reservations about what I am doing, and that's great, because they give me someone to fence with / practice my responses in a loving way and without losing a friendship.  Anyone who was openly hostile would not get a loving response....I have no fear that somehow, someone will drop a clanger about my kids' conception because they (my kids) will always know about it.  I suspect things will be a little trickier when they get to school age, or when they encounter people who don't know and treat the information as some how shocking or unusual.  By that stage, however, they will be of an age to decide what, and who, to tell.  I realise I have a different sense of privacy to many other people - but I also want to support and protect my kids from the narrow mindedness of those who know no better, and in order for me to be able to do this, I live openly so as to stand in front of them if and when the brick bats come flying.  

Regarding whether or not to tell the medical profession, I have always self referred to private clinics, so my GP didn't know anything of what I was doing until after the birth of my son.  My midwife, a person of deep Christian faith and values, has been incredibly supportive from start to finish, and is excited about delivering no. 2.  She knows about the donor egg situation, and calmly told me that she has already looked after two ladies in town who went to Spain for donor eggs....it is a little more common than we are led to believe...Finally, I too live in a small community, and actively use this to our advantage.  The neighbours are amazing, acting as the cheer squad as I go through tx, and providing the tissues and hugs when things don't go to plan.  I moved away from anonymity in London for my son and for me, and have not regretted the decision.  

Enough from me - I'm sure others have something to say here!! 

A-Mx


----------



## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Hello Blue et al

I thought I'd chip in as another DD (and that's not my bra size!).  I have told about 8 people who are close to me plus all of you random folk on here and those I met at the DCN on Sat of course.  

I don't have any shame about it at all but i recognise it is a complex issue to explain.  Those hearing it can have difficulty getting their head round the science of it - particularly if they popped three out in their twenties and it's never entered their heads anyone else might no be as lucky/lead a different life to them.

I haven't quite decided on my approach post pregnancy and birth (if I am so blessed).  But one thing I do know and that is anyone who was not supportive or kind couldn't be called a friend.  People who would openly criticise you or take away from you something you value and contribute to - such as your role of reading in church - do not deserve to be given your  precious time. Find another group of people to spend your time with, Blue. 

I know that's easy for me to say as I'm not at all religious and don't live in a small village.  But do you really want your lovely child(ren) to be brought up around narrow minded people like that?  I advocate the move, move, move philosophy aswell!

It is a lot more common than we think - it's just that people are only just coming round to feeling comfortable about talking about it - there must be hundreds of donor egg/sperm babies in my county alone.  If they are born to two parents, no one ever knows.  Start looking a little more closely at the children in your church - could they be the result of donor treatment?? I bet one or two are or at least their parents probably know people who've had treatment and kept it secret!  

Also I don't think I mind if some people/acquaintances make the assumption I've had a one night stand or have a secret lover and made a mistake.  After all, I've managed to get to 44 and not have had that happen!  I think a lot of 'mistakes' happen to women a lot earlier in life - would it seem so shocking if we were 23? Maybe not.  A lot of women in their late thirties or forties who do have genuine mistakes would be delighted and keep the baby and I think most people would think that a very lucky mistake for those ladies indeed.

Unfortunately husbands don't just land at our feet when we'd like them to, or at all.  What if you did meet someone - what's the guaranteed you could have children together anyway? None.  And what's worse, bringing a new life into the world and loving them to pieces or marrying some bloke you don't love in order to make having children respectable?  I know there are men and women who do that and then divorce when the children are small because they just can't stand the misery any longer.

Bit of a serious and long post but I just can't believe people would treat others this way in 2009 - and all in the name of Christianity.  it doesn't make any sense to me and I feel appalled on your behalf  Bluebelle, I really do.


You take care of yourself and focus on the task at hand lovely girl!!

RL (off to bed becasue I've got Barcelona in the morning) xxxx


----------



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Hi Ladies

Such helpful posts, thank you!! 

Suitcase - I'm so glad your family is supportive. I have a very small family & no siblings so I don't really have the family support, except my mum who as I said is somewhat panicked about the whole thing! She is constantly looking at my stars and telling me a great man is on the verge of popping into my life. Ha!  

Indie - Your son is adorable!! I didn't realize if you went private it wasn't shared with your GP, depsite the fact I've been seeing a private gyne since 2004! Thanks! 

RL - You made a very good point, I would never want my kids to be judgemental so I shouldn't want them around people like that. It is much more common than we think, I think the difference is as singles we have to be honest with our kids (there's no dad) but I read in some info the DC sent me that the vast majority of couples don't disclose. And you are very right re "a lucky mistake" I know several women in late 30's for who that has happened and people have been thrilled, yet those same people question sperm donation. I'm thinking of you a lot today and hope Barcelona is fruitful! 

What I think I've found the most odd about the whole thing, is I think choosing motherhood, when you have made the decision with a great deal of thought and consideration is incredibly powerful, yet, I know people have told me they find it odd anyone would choose this, even my friend who at 36 had an "accidental pregnancy" had no money behind her (had just returned from 3 years travelling, pulling out her pension & using every penny to fund etc). She decided not to go back to work as a physio, went on benefits etc. People were so so so supportive, helping her get a car, furnish her new flat she got, baby-sitting etc. Yet I know they find it strange anyone would plan to get pregnant on their own, to choose this path. Perceptions I guess isn't it? Whereas I think it is amazing to think a child was so wanted that there mummy had to break through barriers, go on a long journey to make it possible. 

I used to worry about finances, making it work etc and I got passed all that. I just know somehow it will all work out, I'm educated, have got good jobs in the past without difficulty, I'm hoping to change careers to one that is more child friendly and would allow me to move to a cheaper part of the country. I have no doubt in the end it will all be fine, and I guess re confidentiality/telling people I need to take the same approach. 

Thanks ladies, you are all wonderful and have helped me so much!


----------



## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi girls

I'm going to keep this short - as have had glandular fever (for 6 weeks) and today just came back from Centerparcs -sooo fab  - and Lexi is with my mum so having a break this afternoon.

But I will say this .... although I didn't have treatment - I did tell only two close friends how I got pregnant ..... and I really regret it.  To everyone else I said I was in a casual relationship with her dad (won't say name) and he is her father but I am bringing her up and we will be fine - which we are!  The asking and interest definitely does stop though Bluebell.

But what I'm trying to say is that I regret telling those two people the whole story.  One I hardly talk to and the other one is trying to get pregnant herself and I find that she seems to bring things up occassionally which makes me upset.  Maybe I just don't have as good friends as I thought!  But if I was to go through it again (which is unlikely)  I would just tell people I'm pregnant and very excited -Father not around.  

When I was pregnant I think my parents worried enormously about things - now they are completely besotted and wouldn't change a thing!

Axx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I have told my close friends some whom I worked with at the time, I haven't told anyone at my new workplace, only told one lady that I had had treatment before, as she disclosed to me that she was having treatment later.

Obviously I have my donor and his partner as tremendous support, they have told their families and I get various religious gifts at pertinent times from the eager grandparents to be!!  I haven't told my mum not that she would disapprove but I don't want her knowing the struggles, pain adn disappointment that I have been through.

I also tell odd people like my dentist (I guess I was on clexane at the time) and the waxing woman, who then told me her nephews are ivf.  

When my baby comes along I don't think I'll have an issue. At the end of the day I don't really care what other people think, this is my choice and my donor and his partner to aassit me.  I want a child to grow up in an undertanding society free from prejudice, and living in central London and working with children there are so many single parents- it's a rare thing coming across a nuclear family with married parents!

L x


----------



## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi bluebelle and everyone! I am just at the start of my treatment journey (in the process of ordering sperm from Xytex) and have been pondering this question a lot too..

I have a wonderfully supportive family (parents and sisters) who i worried would be shocked by my plans but are instead really really excited. 

Have also told most of my close friends. Mostly they were supportive but one really wasn't sure ("your young, wait for a nice young man", "a one night stand is much cheaper" etc) - and i was really surprised not to be bothered by her attitude (my life, my decision) - which is most unlike me, usually very easily upset by others not approving of any decisions i make. I guess as so many of you have said this is not a decision made lightly and now I've made it i feel really empowered!

Have not told my work colleagues as yet (they are a little like your church members - prone to judging others!! and feel i don't need that negativity at the mo) but have thought a lot about what i will say if i do get pregnant  . I think i would tell them how i got pregnant to avoid all the gossip and assumptions - and anyway my baby would be so wanted, not just an accident, and I'm proud of that! They are entitled to their opinion (a lot of people think i'm mad being veggie, but as long as they respect that its my decision, i can respect they have a right to disagree). 

My main worry is my child living with my decisions (and others opinions) - but hope that by being proud of my choices and loving them unconditionally they will grow up being proud too.

I hope your church group surprise you (as much as many of my friends and family have) and are really surpportive. Take care  

(& I should say that my one friend that disagreed initially is now one of my biggest supporters having listened to my reasoning!)


----------



## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi there

Just discovered this thread and thought i'd drop my penny's worth in..

I'm not a church goer or religious person (lapsed catholic) but come from large Irish Catholic family where i am about to be the only single mum!!! So I get the weight of the religious connection you refer to Blue ... I have shared the IVF info with 3 friends (two of whom had IVF), one of my sisters and youngest brother ... the rest I havent told and to be honest I think now _I_ never will... If my son tells anyone else not already in the loop, that is perfectly OK with me and I will be proud for him to do so...In a way I guess I am echoing the 'my story/his story' responses. I needed understanding and support and I have it from discrete and trustworthy people ... If he needs/wants to share his story with others he can. I plan to be very open with my son and maintain links with the DCN for this reason. I may have to move myself though when my negative equity ends so that I can lead the more open life I want to have ... Its hard to explain Irish society. Its much less open to diversity than England in general but may be closer to the village life you are part of Blue... religion still has a hold over the older generation (and my extended family) although my generation and younger are breaking away...

As Inde has pointed out in my dilemma with my dad and telling him, I was concerned about how he would react. I decided that because of his close friendship with the priest, the IVF element was not going to be shared. He was so delighted that I was delighted I was pregnant (but he admitted that if I had announced this 10 years ago, he was not the same person himself then and may not have been so pleased!)

The rest of my family have no idea who the father is ... I have kept my private life private for so many years living overseas that people dont really ask any more...since my relationship with my partner ended people seem to have lost interest in that part of my life! I have to admit I have no time for really nosey people and will not give them satisfaction ... If they can satisfactorily answer the question 'why is it that you _really_ have to know that?' then i may consider telling them 

Another point I wanted to make that hasnt come up is why is it that I should talk about such a private issue such as method of conception with people whose own children's conception is not up for discussion? Have I asked friends what sexual positions they used to conceive, how many times they had sex and how many others were present when conception took place? No I certainly have not!! Because I'm not interested and because I would never in a million years expect (or want) anyone to tell me!!

Rant over... honest 

I hope you find the right balance in your life and that those you tell respect your friendship and your conviction that you are on the right road for you in forming your much wanted family... if they are truely christian in their outlook, they wont let you down.

Best of luck
Maya


----------



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Amelia - Poor you, I hope you are feeling better. Thanks for sharing about your regrets re telling people, I work between NHS & Education and have to say I think you can be too open and while things are technically "confidential" they aren't really. I'd rather air on the side of caution I guess, so thanks for sharing your experience.

JJ1 - Yes that is perhaps one thing I miss about London, the diversity is fabulous and normal. Oh to be back in Dulwich :0)

Krissi - I get the you are too young comment too, I think some people think I should wait until 40 (I'm in my very early 30's) but I'm resolute that is not the right option for me, I know I want to have more than 1 child and ideally I'd like to explore adoption again aswell. There is nothing wrong with waiting until 40, but I feel like this is going to be such a long journey I need to start now. So glad your friend came around. 

Maya - So nice to find another single whose situation is quite similar. My family background is Irish! What I find strange, is they seem so accepting of cousins living with/having children with partners but there is something wrong with choosing single motherhood, I think they have some distorted view that all single mum's live off the state, the children don't do well etc. Funny really as when my Dad died my mum became a single mum and I did exceptionally well, she worked as a nurse throughout my childhood. None of my family (except for my mum and probably 1 aunt & uncle who I don't know too well (they've lived abroad for years) but they had infertility and adopted and in the communication we've had are very open minded), the rest will not know. Friends, right now only open minded & close friends I'll probably tell - the rest well I like your view that you don't know how their child was conceived so neither do they have a right to know how mine was. 

I guess we'll all be learning as we go and hopefully can all support each other!


----------

