# Unexpected problem



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi all,

I am so glad that I found you a couple of months ago, as I was going through a really hard time. Over the weeks I have been able to dip in and out of this board and gain strength, comfort and support from the wise ladies who post here. Thankyou  

Recently, however, I have found myself straying onto other parts of the website, and I have been looking at posts from people going through the awful two week wait, then announcing pregnancies, having babies and being happy. I am ashamed to say that I am jealous all over again - but this time of people that I don't even know! I know I don't have to look, and I know that I am just rubbing salt into my wounds, but I feel drawn to it - like a moth to a flame. I realise that this is my problem (and DH says, well if it bothers you, just don't look). Thanks DH, wish I'd thought of that.   It is as if I want to torture myself. Why? The mad thing is this - before I found you, I was mostly OK. I had moved on a long, long way from some of the people who post now - it has after all been years since I was sterilised, and that was some time after we had realised we were unlikely to have a child.

I feel torn now, as I don't want to leave the board, but it is starting to look as if I may have to, just to protect myself from more unnecessary (and self-inflicted) pain. I wish this board wasn't at the bottom of a long list of others.

Solitaire
x


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Solitaire

I'd like to say your words have been a huge comfort to me and to many of us here too, so thank *you* hon 

Some of the ladies bookmark this board so they don't have to access it via any other board - perhaps this could be an option for you if you decided you wanted to continue posting here?

You say you felt you had moved on in many ways before you came here to post - so had I, but part of the reasons for me posting here was to show others who are very raw in their grief that its ok to be sad, its ok to have the plethora of feelings, that there are others out there who understand and that life can be good once again further on down the line, not that there won't be hiccups along the way or sadness or bite on the bum moments. Its so devastating on so many levels not being able to achieve a family of your own - this is something that many people do not have the capacity to understand. That's why I'm glad this board is in exsistance.

Sadly there are more people out there who fail at fertility treatments or the quest to have a family of their own than there are successes - this is another reason I wanted to be part of and am glad to be a part of this place.

I think its perfectly normal to have the reactions you are having right now, given the content of what you are reading. Its hard to read the hope people have when all hope has gone, it makes us realise what a precious gift that tiny bit of hope was in the first place. And your DH has answered you with a very typical male response (apologies to our menfolk here) problem = solve problem by eliminating whats causing distress. He sounds just like my DH - if only life and our emotions were that simple, huh?

Big hugs winging their way to you my lovely
Emcee xxx


----------



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I don't know if this is of any help to you but watching Eastenders has made me have all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with. Anything can trigger the kind of reactions you are talking about. I sometimes go on the ICSI board and one of the girls I used to chat to has announced a bfp and that stirred nothing yet Dawn Sawn in Eastenders had me full of jealousy!!

xx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Solitaire,
I can relate to what you are doing - see my post. I don't know why I watch TV programmes that are just going to make me sad. My only conclusion is that maybe we need to be sad...before we can be happy again.
Bernie xx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi there S, 

Emcee has made some good suggestions, so I can only add my thoughts by saying it would be a shame to miss out on the support because of the other parts of this site, so have a go at bookmarking it and being strict with yourself! 

Love to you, 

MM xxx


----------



## J-Mo (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi Solitaire

I hope you dont mind me replying because Im not at the point you are yet. Mind you I havent had a child either. But I just wanted to add my thoughts if thats ok.
I think its right that perhaps you have to feel this sadness before you get to feel more settled. Perhaps by looking up on these posts, its actually part of your therapy of moving on. And the more and more you read the less and less it will affect you. 
I hope you manage to find some peace soon.

Lots of love
Jenny x


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Solitaire,

Your post here is very special. You show us all that "moving on" is not a linear journey, nor one that can be contained by "logic" (Such as, "I am sterilised, so why am I even thinking about this?....")

Doctors and this website can lead us to expect progression from difficulty conceiving or holding a pg to diagnosis, to treatment, to a successfull birth. There is not a lot of support or information about what to do if the IF journey does not lead to having a child. It is no real wonder that if we do not get to having a child we try to revisit all the previous stages, perhaps in the hope that there is something we have missed and can be put right? Even if we know we cannot go back and change things, we may need to understand what has happened. Maybe we need to do this before and as part of moving on? 

Men often try to take a more "logical" approach, which is maybe why your DH may not understand quite what you are going through? There is no need to worry about that just so long as the 2 of you accept that there may be differences in how you deal with things.

I hope that you will feel supported by this board while you navigate this difficult journey your own way.

Love to you,

Jq. xxx


----------



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Thanks for all your replies.

I know you are right, and to be honest, the benefits of coming here far outweigh the rest. It is partly down to willpower (of which I have remarkably little ) and also, it seems, the need to allow myself to cry. I really don't like crying, and try to stop myself when I feel it starting. I know why I hate crying (goes back a very long way to crying for my mum and her not being there) and part of me still feels like that little baby. But I always find I feel better when I let myself go with it.

Yamoona - I can really relate to what you said about Eastenders! It seems to me that I can cope with these situations more when they happen to people I know and care about, than when it is people I don't know! My dearest friend has two children and knows what we have been through. I went to see her the minute they came home from hospital (the baby was only a few hours old) and I held the baby in my arms. I didn't feel jealous, I didn't want to cry. I just wanted to gaze at her! Same with my nephews. But Ruth Archer getting pregnant for the umpteenth time hurt me deep down, I remember crying and getting really angry over the storyline. Even when TV/radio shows try to tackle IF, there is either a miracle, or IVF works, or the character disappears!

Thank you all,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx
P.S. I have bookmarked this page now!


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Just wanted to send you a hug dear lady, and let you know that I have been thinking about you. And that I'm glad you are sticking around for a wee while.... selfish me!  

Love,
Emcee x


----------

