# Partner freaking out after BFP



## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi, has anybody else's partner totally freaked out after getting the BFP? I have always been the one who really wanted children and DP wasn't sure. Over the last year or so she's come around to the idea and we started treatment in August. Now I've got my BFP and she's totally lost it, says she's not sure she can stay and doesn't think she ever wanted children she just convinced herself she did so that I'd be happy.  
Has anybody else had this problem? Did you manage to sort it out and stay together? I don't know what to do with myself really, I've wanted this for so long but not on my own.


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## Monkey07 (Jul 8, 2012)

Really sorry to hear what you are going through bluepumpkin  I have no advice to give as am not in the situation but I wanted to say congratulations on your BFP, look after yourself and I hope you manage to sort things with your partner xx   xx


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Thanks monkey I appreciate that x


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## incywincy (Nov 13, 2011)

Hi bluepumpkin.  I'm sorry to hear about her reaction.  She might just need time for it to sink in.  Even though you've talked about doing it, it might just be the shock of it really happening, perhaps once she's had a chance to process it she'll come around again.

Congratulations on your BFP.  I hope you manage to enjoy the experience, despite the circumstances.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

I hope so incywincy, I can't really imagine life without her, particularly with a baby, however much I want one! An trying to think positively and focus on what is right. Hoping and praying! Thanks for your response. X


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

just randomly seen this didnt want to read and run

i guess in time she will get used to the idea, id just try and involve her in every aspect - buying choices etc....  

and congratulations on your bfp!x


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Blue,

I have seen you on the early scan thread.  I have just experienced something similar with DH.

We already have a DS and my DH was happy with only having him.  I always wanted more then one child.

Basically my Dad offered to pay for one last cycle and then we agreed we would move on and concentrate on him.  Low and behold it worked and an early scan showed twins.  Me and DH had a big row the weekend and he very kindly told me he didn't want anymore children and I forced him in to it by telling him our marriage would be over if he didn't agree to it.  I have no idea when this conversation happened and can only presume he dreamt this.

I told him that we haven't used contraception for 2 years and a natural pregnancy isn't impossible for us, so why didn't he use protection if he didn't want anymore children?

We have managed to have a good chat and he has told me his fears.  We are actually selling our house to move nearer my family, so that we can have more support.

Originally I was going to go to the scans on my own, but I have told him he is coming with me now.  He needs to be included and I want him to bond and share the excitement of seeing them on a scan.

I hope you don't think I am hijacking your thread, but the news of a BFP can take a while to sink in.  Give your DP time and make sure that she can attend as many scans as possible, so that she can feel included.

Good luck

Stacey
X


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

stacey - congrats on your twins!x


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Avon - thanks for you reply, I'm trying to involve her but also worried about frightening her off even more. Will just have to see how things go I guess.

Stacey - thanks for you honest answer and for telling me your story too. Have backed off the early scan thread a bit as feeling less excited and optimistic obviously. I'm so sorry yo hear that your husband is responding in a similar way, I guess maybe for them it all comes as a big shock (despite treatment!!) and takes some getting used to. My partner is also saying 'you knew I had doubts', well yes i did but if you agree to treatment and say 'I do want this' then what are we supposed to believe? We're not mind readers!

My DP has agreed to be supportive of the child whatever happens, and I do have hope that we can come around and make this better although I'm worried about it. It's not something I'd choose to do on my own. She is coming to my next scan on Thursday next week so hopefully we'll regain some closeness in that time.

Stacey I hope your husband comes around too. Twins! How exciting! Although I guess quite scary too if you're not 100% convinced you want more children. I'm sure that in time he'll get used to the idea and bond with them when he sees those little heartbeats. Lots of good luck to you and I'll be   and   for both of us.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Blue,

I am sure she is just having the wobbles.  DH showed the scan picture to people at work and has been looking at double buggies.  He then asked the other night about finding out the gender at 20 weeks.  Are they the actions of a man that really doesn't want anymore children?  I don't think so.

Good luck Hunny and you know where we are.

X


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Thanks Stacey. Sounds like your DH is definitely working his head around it! I'm very happy for you  . My DP seems to be dealing with things better and we're definitely communicating more so fingers crossed. Thanks everyone for your kind posts and advice, this forum has been incredibly helpful. X


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## incywincy (Nov 13, 2011)

Glad to hear she's coming around a bit, bluepumpkin (and your DH, stacey).  Hopefully it's just the initial shock hitting them and it'll wear off.  I think as they see scans and your bumps getting bigger they'll get more into it.  I suppose it must be odd for the partner, they have to prepare themselves for parenthood with none of the physical triggers that the pregnant partner has.  At least when you're the one who's pregnant, you get the hormones and it starts making you feel maternal but the partners don't get that.


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

my dh has got alot more involved over time. now they can talk to him etc hes fab. he has improved since he has had to look after them abit on his own as well.

make sure partners get attention as they can feel unimportant/left out


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Yes I'm sure that's true, and of course it's doubly hard for DP in that she's not biologically related to the baby, I guess that has always been a worry of hers, and I've always just assumed she will feel differently once the baby is here and feels like her child but I didn't realise how freaked out she'd be, I kind of thought we dealt with that stuff before we signed the papers! She's wonderful with children and I know she'll make a good parent but she needs to get her head around it first. She's coming to my scan later this week which is good although it was only two days after my last scan that she really lost the plot so I hope that doesn't happen again!


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

sounds more like a fear of responsibility than anything else....(im just guessing)

i would go for lunch somewhere nice after or do something u know she likes....to "soften" the experience abit maybe

its probably just time she needs, the more "pressure" the more likely she will lose the plot again

like u say when baby here and she can actually hold "it" that should alter things completely


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Hi bluepumpkin. My DW did this a lot during treatment but I knew she'd be fine she just worries A LOT! It's the biggest thing you will ever do in your life & whatever happens, you will always be parents together - forever. I know DW was worried about our lives changing forever & of course it did - for the better. She said during the weekend that she couldn't imagine being without him now. During my pregnancy my DW grieved for the baby she wouldn't have so I just listened & supported her knowing all along as soon as she held him it would all be ok. I told her this many times too. I was right (of course lol) & there is no question that he is hers & she would fight to the death for him. Maybe your partner is having some of these worries too?

I have to admit that when I got pregnant I had a few moments of 'WTF am I doing?' too, had one this morning actually & my boy is 18 months now! The responsibility is overwhelming & anyone who is blase about parenting - shouldn't! Sounds like it's all hit her at once. She'll be fine & a better Mum as a result because she never took it for granted. Best of luck x


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Bless you welshginge, thanks for your post which was very reassuring! I know, even I've had a few 'oh my god are we really doing this' moments and I've wanted babies for years!  
I'm sure she'll get her head around it, I just wish we could get on with it in a way and stop worrying! It seems awful to wish this precious time away but there has been so much heartache and worry (I've had bleeding too as well as all the relationship stuff, not to mention the morning sickness!) I guess I just want to know it will all be ok in the end!

Avon - thanks yes there is definitely a responsibility thing going on, she feels that very keenly so it is a worry but I really think she'll be ok when it arrives, fingers crossed. Lunch is a good idea, we often go to a nice cafe round the corner after a visit to the clinic as its a two hour drive from our house. I just need to try to tread carefully and be supportive I suppose.

Thanks girls x


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

yeah, id do the lunch as a "normal" activity for after that she associates with fun

I think the responsibility thing isnt such a bad issue. It will probably mean that she will be fab with the baby i would say, better than being flighty about it and not understanding what this means to you both .....

Give her time. sometimes i think the less said the better and let time pass on. She will talk to you about her feelings in her own time, if you try and talk about it too much to her it may make it worse. Just lots of silent hugs   

Maybe she feels abit left out? make sure she feels needed ...try and do non baby related things/outings that she will enjoy so she knows that side of life is still there

im just thinking about it thats all and trying to help, believe me,im not an expert  : P


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

No that's really helpful Avon, thanks for your advice I'll do my best! I'm torn between trying to talk about the baby to get her involved and not wanting to mention it too much but I think she's getting used to the idea. At least we're communicating better now anyway.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi girls, scan this afternoon and all is well. Went for nice lunch afterwards and DP seems excited although a bit nervous but she's being honest about it and genuinely seems happy at the moment so fingers crossed. X


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## incywincy (Nov 13, 2011)

Really glad to hear that, bluepumpkin!  Sounds like she's coming round.  Nerves are natural, it's a big step, but it seems like she will overcome them.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Hope so! X


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

aww thats good 

i would leave *her* to bring up the subject as much as poss


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

She seems to be quite excited now but I'm sure that will come and go a bit. It's hard not to talk about it when she's often mentioning it but I'm trying not to go on about it endlessly!


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

if shes mentioning it i wouldent worry : ))


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Oh dear, that sounds a bit unfair! Especially as you have more chance of success with treatment due to your age. I hope she comes around!


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Maybe she's just feeling upset about the treatment not working and feeling like splashing out and going crazy? When was the treatment?


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Ah then I'm sure she needs some time to recover from the disappointment before thinking of starting again. I'd leave it for a couple of months maybe and approach it again? As long as the savings don't all get spent in the meantime!


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Hi Bluepumpkin,

So sorry to hear your situation. I went through something similar 13 months ago but it happened a bit earlier in the process for me. 

We had met our donor, signed contracts and were waiting for me to get a positive opk so we could go ahead and inseminate when OH turned round and said she didn't like our donor. Turns out she had totally freaked out and after much questioning and talking she admitted she didn't even know if she ever wanted kids at all!!! It was a horrible time for us both, since I have wanted a child for as long as I can remember. I wanted to try in 2008 but she wasnt ready. I almost left then, as I was thought we wanted different things but she convinced me it was just a time thing so we carried on as normal and I waited until last year. But then that happened. She has always said she just wasnt ready and won't accept that for some people, that 'ready' feeling doesn't hit until the baby arrives.

Anyway, after weeks of utter despair and heartache, we decides to go our separate ways. I couldn't imagine a life without her but equally couldn't just turn my back on my only dream. We had 4 months left on our tenancy, so had to stay living together, which although difficult was alright since we hasn't fallen out or anything. Over the 4 months our relationship carried on as normal, bar the physical side (but that has always been patchy due to my depression meds) and just got on with things. Eventually I realised I really couldn't walk away.

We've now started a new life across the country. She is doing her nurse training so we can emigrate in 5 years, and I'm doing an open university degree. I decided I couldn't leave her as I love her so much. And as much as I DO still desperately want a child, I don't want to be a single mum. I want a family. With her. I want a child to travel with us, experience different cultures etc...I want a child to have the life we plan to have, a country cottage with chickens and a donkey..to have OHs extended family and little cousins their own age. I don't want a child just to have me. I have no extended family, nor siblings. And I don't want a child to be stuck in a crumby flat with me on benefits. But I do still desperately want a child...and have no idea how this will pan out in the long run.

I hope your OH comes around. I hope once the fear subsides she realises that she can do it with you. The prospect of being a parent is terrifying, but I swear it fades as soon as you hold that baby, and get to know their little personality. I just wish my OH could see that too.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Oh Laura I felt very sad to read your story. It's such a hard thing to have to choose between your partner and your dream of being a mother. Does your partner know how much you want this? I'm sure you will have had those conversations, but as someone who desperately wants children its hard to imagine how someone you love would deny you that. But I suppose it is a lifestyle choice. Maybe she'll come around to the idea?

My partner seems to be ok now, after a very rocky patch when I thought I'd end up on my own in a grotty flat if we couldn't sort things out, she has sorted it out and seems happy although I'm sure she has reservations about how it will affect our lives and lifestyles. But I have to believe that when baby arrives it will all make sense and fall into place. 

I truly hope that your partner can find it in herself to be selfless and give you what you want. Do you know why she doesn't want children? Has she never wanted them or is it that she assumed she never would etc? I guess the possibility of her changing her mind depends on her reasons for not wanting them. Sending you hugs and hopes and prayers that your dreams come true. Xx


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Hi Blue,

So pleased to hear your partner is feeling better about it all now, that gives me hope 

We have always talked about the future, we do it a lot...pick out dream homes, that sort of thing. We'd discussed children a lot and there was no indication she didn't want them at all...we disagreed on a couple of names but had 2 picked out for each gender...and I wanted 3 kids but she only wanted 2, close together like her and her sister. The only negative feeling ever to come out of it was just that she wasn't ready. I promised to stop talking about it as that was making her feel pressured (years ago) which she said helped a bit...then she said she was worried as I don't always do much around the house and I has to prove I'd do more, so I flung myself into housework for 6 months, which she said also helped a bit.

I think the hardest thing for me to get my head around is that she has said that she knows how much I want this, and that she understands if I need to do it, alone. She just wants me to be happy even if that's not with her. I can't say the same...of course I want her to be happy, but WITH me. 

And I know we could work it out and make it work. I know we could. Just like her friend jilted her boyfriend a week before their wedding at the thought of settling down and children, but now lives with her boyfriend and his 12 year old daughter. 

It might not be the dream life she imagined, but we'd make it work for us and it would be a good life regardless. 

I know she wants to travel. We've never even had a holiday in the 7 yrs we've been together, and financially it's not going to be possible until she qualifies in 2015, but by then I'll be pushing 35 and with PCOS. that doesn't bode well for fertility...

I'm torn between pushing ahead and not telling her, hoping she'd come round to the idea in the 9+ months, but then she'd likely just hate me for lying. But I don't want to rock the boat by her knowing im TTC, seeing as it may not even work and I could be left with no child and no relationship. Gah it's so complicated.

Your story really does fill me with hope though, thank you for sharing.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Gosh. So she's given you the impression all the way through that she wants children, just not yet. So now you've invested time and love and energy in a relationship where unbeknownst to you, you have different goals. That's really tough. My partner actually always said she didn't want children, but after 8 or 9 years she came around to the idea!! Luckily it wasn't too late but I'm 35 now so it might have been hard, we're very lucky. She had a major panic just after the BFP and said she only agreed because she couldn't deny me the right to have a child, but that she wasn't going to be able to have it with me. A nightmare time, really hideous, but she's getting used to the idea now. I think she had convinced herself she'd never have children, and as she didn't want to be pregnant or give birth, and didn't like the idea of using a man to get her partner pregnant she'd convinced herself that she just didn't want children. That took a lot of undoing.

I guess it's hard if your partner has just started training and financially and logistically things would be hard with a small baby around. Does she still say she wants them one day? Just not yet? 

I wouldn't recommend getting pregnant and hoping she gets her head around it unless you're really happy to do it by yourself if she doesn't. Otherwise you've got a real mess in your hands if you're pregnant and alone! I would probably just have a think about whether you're truly happy to have her but no baby, or a baby but not her. Or neither! 

I really hope she comes around to the idea. I didn't want to leave just so I could have a child but I wasn't happy in a relationship where I couldn't have one either. My partner did see that and eventually decided it was more important to make me happy. I'm lucky that she recovered from her 'wobble' though as that could have gone horribly wrong! Fingers crossed it works out for both of us.


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Yeah, it's always been that she's not ready. She can never articulate why, or what needs to change in order for her to feel ready...although when we were discussing it she said she wanted a proper job with a proper salary so we wouldn't struggle. She had a very different childhood to me...only my Dad worked but we were comfortable. We had 1 car, holidays every other year and not abroad until my mum got worked part time when I was 11. On the other hand she had a house in the country, 2 professional parents, an occasional nanny, a horse, 2 cars and holidays to France every year. So she wants to be able to provide that. Plus, although she doesn't want to do pregnancy and birth herself, she never imagined the responsibility of being 'the bread winner' would be hers. Personally I don't think she means never...she just doesn't want to give me hope that she'll change her mind only to find that she doesn't and I'm too old to try.

She's also not very comfortable with her sexuality. Her family are very judgemental and all her friends straight so I think she's terrified of the questioning that would come if we were to announce having a baby. Only in front of our lesbian-couple friends does she even behave like we're together, and I'm not talking big PDA, just little things like holding hands or leaning on me on the sofa. She is acutely aware of other people's uncomfortable-ness and will do anything to avoid it. When we were discussing getting married, she didn't want to dance with me, and I know she'd have struggled with 'kiss the bride'...so having a baby with me seems off the scale of uncomfortable-ness.

The travelling is a big thing I know, but I think that's totally doable with kids. Different, but doable. She doesn't want it to be different. There's no reason we can't live in Canada for a while with kids... I couldn't do it without her thought. 

I can't force kids on her I know, but many many couples have kids without planning or 'being ready' - all 5 kids I know were accidents, but they are all loved and cared for and all their parents wouldn't be without them. Some people are never surely ready, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't or don't have kids.

Meh.

I think the thing with going ahead with it without saying is that it avoids the horrendous heartache where we agree to split up but have to continue living together for a while. It avoids the day after day, week after week of tears and hopelessness and the total collapse of all our hopes and dreams. If I got pregnant, maybe we'd work it out, maybe we wouldn't, but at least it would all be for a purpose. Having PCOS and such irregular cycles means I could put us both through hell explaining, then not conceive anyway. Ay least if I try on the quiet and don't succeed, we can carry on as normal and neither of us gets hurt. I don't know.

At one point she agreed that we'd stay together but that she wouldn't be a parent. Not officially, no parental responsibility. The child would be just mine but she would support me as if I'd had the child before we met. But then she changed her mind and couldn't even commit to that. Even though I know we'd still be together if I had had a child before we met. I think it's pretty much All about being scared. She's absolutely petrified. And I think she'd be completely ok with it once a child was in our lives. It's just getting to that point. If we were straight, it would be easy, a common contraceptive failure, we'd cope with the consequences...but it's not that simple for us.

It's quite a miracle that your OH has come round after always saying she didn't want children. You're so lucky she even agreed to you trying and even more so that she puts your happiness first. I'm sure once your baby arrives all this wobbling will be a distant memory and she'll be so glad she stuck with you 

Sorry for hijacking your thread by the way...I didn't realise I had so much to get off my chest. We haven't talked about it since February. What you said about your partner not wanting to be pregnant or give birth, and not wanting to use a man to get me pg is the same for my partner. I even went so far as to suggest we adopt a child in need, so she didn't feel on the outside and left out when it came to biological ties. But I think that came back to the awkwardness of other people that rules adopting out.


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Gosh don't apologise for hijacking! It's a wonderful thing that we can come on here and read other people's stuff and sometimes feel a bit better for it. Or at least not so alone! 

Sounds to me like she's a little afraid of commitment, and as you say had some issues with her sexuality. That's hard if your (her) family are not supportive. It's interesting that she'd consider getting married but not dancing with her bride or kissing her in public! I think the marriage is enough of a statement that nobody would think twice about dancing or kissing!!! 

The travelling thing is hard if you're thinking backpacking but if she wants to go and live in a different country that's no big deal? And if she's planning to wait for three years then backpacking gets less likely anyway (once you've got a mortgage or a job it's hard to leave, she can't qualify then bugger off for a year without any experience I don't think).

I think you'd find it tough to go through treatment without telling her, even if you don't have stimulated cycles. Are you thinking ivf or iui? It would be hard to hide the needles, drugs, bloating etc and if it wasn't successful you'd want to share that I think.  

I think it's interesting that she's worried about providing what she had as a child although I can understand being worried about doing nurse training whilst supporting a partner through pregnancy and birth. Shift work with a tiny baby as well as studying would be tough! Although as you say you have to think about your ovaries and your age, don't we all ! I was starting to feel quite stressed about my age so I'm very lucky it worked so quickly after all those years of prevaricating! I am lucky that she puts my happiness first although I didn't feel that way when she changed her mind just after my BFP!

I think you need to decide if you want her or a baby more (easier said than done!) and hopefully you'll get to keep both! I really relate to the issue of. 'If we were straight this would be so much simpler'. It's so hard when having a baby requires so much conscious thought, planning and luck! None of this 'oops it just happened' business!


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Aaaah I wouldn't go through treatment, I'd use a known donor doing AI at home. I would've tried last year but she refused to allow me to have him over to do the donation, saying the thought of it made her feel sick and if he came she'd have to move out. At the time her sister lived next door so she easily could have temporarily, but I don't know if she actually would have. I had no option but to stop before I'd started, since the only suitable hotel nearby was the one she was working at! 

There are lots of excuses that could be plausible reasons but could also be just excuses. And because she hasn't said 'no, I don't want children, ever' I'm still here. I wouldn't be anywhere else since I love her more than any thing. Also though I have no friends and can't move in with my Mum. She's my only partner, I've never been even slightly interested in anyone else and don't think I ever would be if we split. So that makes the decision even harder....it might be easier if I had friends to support me and get me back on my feet, so to speak.

I think most of the time I can't even get my head around there not being a child in our lives. It's just something I've always taken for granted. I can't imagine not being a mum...of getting old and being a grandma. I look at my mum, she's 65...her siblings mostly gone now bar 1. My dad died suddenly 12 years ago...if she hadn't had me, she would have had nobody. If something happens to OH, I will have no-one...not a reason to have a child, but just another thought whirling round my head. Christmas isn't Christmas without the excitement of children....we talked so much of our childhood traditions and of setting our own. Even picked out which school our child/ren would go to. I can't imagine no little family holidays...no extended family gatherings with OHs sister and child/ren...little cousins growing up together. But equally I cannot see a future that doesn't have OH in it. She is my soul mate. 

I had a psychic reading last year, mainly regarding my career but he was scarily accurate on most parts, right down to removing my nose stud the week before (it was online) and he said I would have children with or without her. I know lots of people don't believe in things like that, but he was so right on most other aspects there's no reason he wouldn't be right about that too...but I'm not a big enough believer to stake my whole life on it.

It would be difficult with studying and shifts and restricted finances, but there are many people.worse off than us and there is never going to be a perfect time...there will always be something that could be an obstacle.

I haven't talked to her about this for ages. Since February actually, just after we 'got back together', before we moved and before she started her training. I want to ask if she has had any more thoughts either way, but really don't want to rock the boat.


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## Brighton24 (Jul 8, 2008)

As a just about to qualify student nurse, I just read through this whole thread with some interest. I am sorry that the author's of posts are experiencing quite some heart ache. I think what strikes me is that, there is this fear of responsibility and as a partner who desperately wanted my own child too and supported my partner through treatment for many years, there is an even greater fear of many of the things mentioned throughout this thread. Will the baby prefer its biological mother, will others reject me as the child's mother, will my partner's mother exclude me somehow (there were signs of this!), after such a short time together (my partner had already been trying for a baby before we met and was anxious about increasing age, and took 6 months off while we met to decide whether to continue the journey together) was I able to make this commitment and did I want to? I swam in fear and also swung between bouts of real jealousy, which was just awful. It put so, so much pressure on our relationship. The emotional roller coaster of the various treatments were so trying. It really coloured everything in our lives. Sadly, it was not meant to be for my partner and the recovery from this disappointment is ongoing, more than 3 years now. This brings a new dynamic into the relationship again, for I am also a PCOS sufferer and so very aware of advancing age and its impact on pregnancy. However, I would never, ever insist my partner become the mother of my child because this is the only future I can envisage and a journey we set out on together. Life brings with it change, and this has proven in my life to really have affected us. My partner who like me, had her heart set on being a mother, felt very differently when it came to be that she would never biologically be the mother. I have spent years hiding my fears about leaving it too late, and trying to support her with her grieving and protect her from situations with other children, especially where it appears these children are somehow mal treated by parents, either friends or strangers. 
It could be the breaking of our relationship. In my experience, it seems time can heal somethings and sometimes, people change and what they want change, and I speak for myself too when I say this. I think even though it is hard to let go of dreams, I could not possibly be with someone who did not feel they wanted the same thing as me. We may love each other, but it can not be forced. Indeed, should she ever feel the need, thankfully my partner would end our relationship as it is, to allow me to move on and pursue what I need to be fulfilled and happy in life. I know my desire to have a child is more important to me than any relationship I could have. It would be the most painful thing I will have experienced yet to have to go through, and although this is not on the cards currently...I feel it is always a possibility in any relationship. Therefore, for me it is really very important to have a sense of independence. My partner and I both value this aspect of our lives. 
Thankfully, I have been able to allow my partner to guide things according to what she needs and wants and to do what she needs to do, allowing things to just happen, instead of forcing them and trusting that this will make for an honest and freer life for us both. For example, as tempting as it has been, I would never time pregnancy/parenthood with nurse training. Being able to plan is not always a curse, and if it can be planned and there is good timing...this is most definitely not a good time!  As painful as it has been to wait, and see in year after year still childless...not even able to try...I do believe that I have done the right thing, to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel independent and equal within this relationship. As much as I have dreams and can see the relationship working and it could make sense to me, I can only speak for myself and would never assume to really know how it feels to be my partner and to have gone through what she has. I do my best to listen to what she tells me. Of course, actions can speak louder than words!! 
We are still together in a very happy and supportive relationship, we recently moved house and well I will start a new job in the new year and the future is bright for now. I hope our future is together, but as hard as it is...I try to prepare myself for her not being able to commit in the end because this is my experience of her in the past and as you say, is perhaps the curse of being able to time! 
Sometimes I do feel that if we were to split up on the basis of having children together, it could be as black and white as our love has changed and we simply do not love each other enough to enter into life as a family with such immense responsibilities that it brings. It is all very well to say that straight couples have "accidents" and it works out well, but we are not straight and I do believe that the fact that it can never be an accident is a fundamental difference as is the lack of biological ties to one parent, which impact significantly upon some and can simply not be ignored. For some, these fears are too great to carry. I have no idea how things would have worked out between my partner and myself had she gotten pregnant, I can not be confident that I could have stayed, purely because it was so early on in our relationship, the foundations were not there to build upon yet...it was very scary! 
My partner brings out the best in me. I hope very much that we will continue the journey together as we are now, but I do feel that the dynamics are such and experience has taught me that things can change. I wish you all the courage to be true to yourselves and to be kind to your partner's too. I hope this does not offend at any stage, I write about my experiences only...I recognise that we are all very different indeed and you may completely disagree with what I have said or that it won't sit well with some of you. 
All the best! I hope you are find resolve, peace and happiness within yourselves and your relationships and future children all being well. 
XX B


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

Brighton24 said:


> I know my desire to have a child is more important to me than any relationship I could have.


For me it is absolutely, inseparably equal...hence the total heartache and horrible catch-22 situation I find myself in :/


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Wow Brighton you've had a tough time too, i cant imagine going through all of that with your partner but then not feeling like she would be able to do the same for you. That must be hard, I can see how upsetting it would be for her to give up her dreams of being a biological mother but would it not be enough to do it together? I know I wanted my own bio child but if that were impossible I would want to look at other ways and if my partner were younger then that would at least have to be an option! Have you tried talking to her about it? 

Flora - I think you need to talk to your partner too im afraid ! I know she will find it stressful and maybe be cross that you've brought it up now she's doing her training but you can't not mention it for another two years! I felt the same about children being a certain part of my future , but as time wore on I struggled with that desire in a relationship where that was not a possibility. In the end it was making me sad, and my partner could see that. I don't know if I would have managed to leave or not in the event but thankfully she dealt with her issues. Someone has to! There is no compromise sadly. It makes it hard having no friends or family to support you in any event, is there any way you can branch out a little and make some friends? Maybe at work? Again easier said than done but friends are necessary and important in my mind, especially if your relationship was to break down, you'd need some support and its easy to get a bit co-dependant and less sociable in a lesbian relationship from what I can tell. Sorry if that sounds a bit prescriptive and probably patronising too but I can't think of any way to put it better. Even if your relationship is fabulous I think friends are important, but especially if there are problems it would be helpful to talk it through with others I think. Did you have friends before you got together and then lose touch? Are they still around?

Hope you both had good Christmases x


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## floralou (Jul 21, 2010)

I've never really had friends. Not close ones anyway. My childhood best friend moved to New Zealand 10 years ago, my next closest friend went to Canada 9 years ago and since we've been together we've moved 7 times in 7 years, from one side of the country to another! Plus I have really bad social anxiety and am not working (I'm doing an open university degree at home) so have no opportunity to make friends and wouldn't anyway, I don't really know how.

I don't knooowww. I just know I can't go through the heartache of last year. And with us both having nowhere to go and no money to move, we'd be in the same predicament where we'd still have to live together and sleep together...essentially car thing on as normal, just interspersed with bouts of hysterical crying.

I have tried to continue as we are. A whole year...4 if you found the 3 years before the trauma of last year. I've tired and I've not spoken of it, but I cant shake the longing for a baby. I just want to try. If it doesn't work, then ok, I'll accept that. And if it works then I just want her to try. If she can't cope with it, then ok. If the responsibility is too much then I'll understand she needs to leave then. But at least she'll have tried. She might find she likes it and the fear was the unknown was far worse than the reality.

We had a good Christmas thanks, at OHs Mum's with her step grandkids...hectic lol. Hope you did too x


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## bluepumpkin (Sep 18, 2010)

Yikes moving seven times in seven years! You're brave! Well it's hard to know what you can do really, I guess you'll just have to hope she'll change her mind, it doesn't sound like you want to leave her which is understandable. So I'll cross my fingers for you! 

Sorry for the brief post, am back at work on 12 hr shifts, boo. Glad you had a nice Christmas. Me too, it's over so quickly though! X


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