# True love in forever families!



## Frangipanii

Hi a big ask but I wondered if people who have successfully been through this process and are now a forever family would post some small stories of their forever family. Anything that gives us(the ones at the begining, middle of this process) a bit of focus and some stories of hope that we will get through!! There is an awful lot on here that is about the process, the negatives and the hope but not so much on the joys after it all. Very grateful if you can. Heard a very negative story of adoption recently  and would just like to hear some good ones. Hope it is not too much to ask. x


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## julesF

Adopting our 2 was the hardest thing I have every done. The HS made us realise that as a couple we are strong and know each other really well.  Since the kids have been placed it has taken time and I never want to experience those first 3mnths again, but the positives are overwhelming.


Seeing my parents and in laws with the kids is amazing they light up the room. Seeing my mum visit for the first time and the kids who had spoken to her on the phone and received letters from her run up to screaming Nanny was amazing, there wasn't a dry eye.


Watching 8yr old holding back the tears even now at school/cubs when we attend and watch him with proud makes you swell with pride but also brings a lump to the throat of how much having a family means to him , even though he is awful some times.


we are now in teh 2nd year as a family and seeing them getting excited as they know what to expect is amazing, they grown in confidence every day and are so different from the spiteful, unwashed, pale unhealthy kids we brought home in the summer of 2011.


we had our first family holiday at easter this year to Butlins they have never had a holiday before, the joy in their faces and sheer excitement never being able to sleep made you realise we  are a family and we do love them, makes those tough days worthwhile


Hope this provides a balance to the negatives.......
would I change things, the decisions I have made? No
this is one of the best things I have ever done, it teaches you so much about yourself and who your real friends are


best of luck in your journey


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Good luck stay strong it is the most amazing thing in the world.
I am on my phone so if a bit odd in places bear with  me.
They day we met bubba was a day we won't met forget the word mum mum well there are not words to explain how i felt. There are good days, bad days, god awful days and out of the world amazing days but that is parenthood. we have had 2nd bday recently our first and it was great.
My mum wasn't really sure she never said anything but i knew and now she is besotted by the little bundle that fills the room. i could go on and on. 
stay strong it is worth it Xx


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## racheypache13

Hi,
we have only had our son for just over 3 months but it is like he has always been with us. We have a birth daughter and the first time he hugged and kissed her, I thought I would burst, they adore each other. His little face when he sees us is just fab. 
I know it is very early days but the process seems a distant memory already when I think about my gorgeous two children asleep upstairs. So worth it!
Rachey


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## sieve

Dear Frangipanii


I am not on here much nowadays, however I can honestly tell you adoption is the best thing we have ever done.


Having gone through ttc for nearly 10 years including 4 Ivf attempts, I now wish we had gone straight to adoption but that is easy to say with hindsight.


We would not have believed a year and a half ago that we would now be a family and so happy.  Honestly our dd feels like she has been here since she was born and she is just over 3 and been here for just a year.!!!! Don't ever give because you will get there and it is amazing - no negatives!!!


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## Kestra

A year ago I fell in love with a photo! 

I have nothing negative to say about the adoption process and will be doing it all again in the New Year.

Kestra x


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## Duckling

The best decision I ever made.    It's really scarey and a tough process but he is mine completely and I can't explain how much I love him. The joy and fun that he brings to our whole family is huge. 
We took him to a Christmas parade this weekend and it made me cry that this is what our lives are now. He can be hard work, yes, but no more than any other toddler. 
I really feel for anyone who goes through infertility and I know that you wonder if you'll ever be a mother and if you do, how will it feel. But honestly it is worth it. I LOVE it!    Huge   to everyone going through it.
Duckling xx


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## Frangipanii

I cannot tell you all how very grateful I am to you all!! I am going to read this everyday and remind myself when I am feeling low of the joys you have shared with me/ us. I lost my daughter 8 years ago tomorrow so feeling a little delicate!! I am adopted and my adoption was a complete success but it is just so different these days and puts a bit of fear into you. But now I have this to reflect on. So from the bottom of my heart thank you xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Massive hugs hun i can't imagine how u r feeling at this time. Stay strong it will be worth it soon. There are horror stories out there but then there are with eeverything we do. Been a mummy to our little girl makes  me very proud she will be forever loved happy safe and secure. Xx


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## Frangipanii

thanks aaa, much love to you. Your words are a tonic!! xx


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## Anjelissa

Hi Frangipanii,

Just to echo the others, our little man is our world, he has now been with us approx 2 and half years and neither of us can imagine life without him. No matter how hard, frustrating or long the assessment process seems at times please know that once you meet your lo it will all seem like a distant memory and will be worth every second of that long journey!  
Yes at times it's really hard work and being parents has tested our energy reserves and patience to new limits   , but that's just an occupational hazard of being a Mummy and Daddy to a 3 year old  !! I wouldn't want it any other way, we love him to pieces and feel eternally blessed to have our wonderful little man.

We are just starting the process for a second lo so it can't be that bad hey      

Hang in there hun  

Anj x 

PS.....along with 5 sets of friends from our prep-course who we see regularly and a few other parents of adopted children we are friends with (in addition to people I know on here), I could tell you of so many people who would agree with the above. I know it's hard when you are going through the process as it's the awfully sad stories of failed adoptions  that stick in your mind and yes that does happen but then I suppose we could say that for everything we do in life, ie there is always going to be success stories and then the complete opposite. I think it's only human to worry about what could happen and consider all angles (and with regards to adoption in particular it's also a very sensible approach I think). I'm sure most of us had worries along the way prior to finally meeting our lo's, so you're not alone


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## Frangipanii

Hi Anjelissa, Thanks so much for your comments - it sounds to me like a very normal life as a parent - (i think  ) I cannot wait to have the experiences which you are having and wish you all the luck in the world finding the next part of your jigsaw piece! You have really help, so thank you so much. It is also nice to hear that you kept in contact with so many people from your prep course. I hope I get the oppourtunity to keep in touch with some of the people on mine - as long as they are human like me and not 'superhumans' who are perfect! te he! much love to you x 
I hope that this thread also gives some hope to people in a simliar situation to me and gives hope! It is just what I needed. 
thanks all so much. I have something I can read and read now when needing a little push. CRBs are done, medicals soon (although gained so much through iVF I am dreading that) and prep course around the corner. 
thanks xx


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## crazyspaniel

Hello everyone  
Thanks to you all for posting all your happy stories, just what's needed to keep us all going!!  x


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## Frangipanii

totally agree crazyspaniel!!! I have read it so much. Things are stsrting for us soon....dh is getting nervous. really excited but hope we get through panel next year. Scares the hell out of me. Never really heard of anyone getting turned down but we are far from perfect!!! so it makes you nervous. x x thanks again anyone.


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## crazyspaniel

Frangipanii,
We were told couples are not put through to panel unless sw is certain you will get through, apparently problems at panel are usually caused by incomplete paperwork!! Still playing waiting game and only too aware that everything stops around Christmas... x


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## Frangipanii

Cheers Crazyspaniel....I have to keep reminding myself of that. They also wouldnt have asked us to apply ig they thought we'd get rejected!! time we tell...hopefully h/s starts in Jan, and then we will feel like it has properly started!! 
Hope the waiting is not too long for you xx x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

No matter how many of us tell u you will still be a nervous wreck. We were at every hurdle but our sw said it was also because we wanted it so much. 

Our little bubba has been poorly last couple of days whilst its horrible it has been so special giving those hugs to my baby i love her so much. It is special every day even when she is been a little bleep. 

Stay focused on the end. We took it one visit at a time when it was done a big phew. My little saying all the way along was every day we get a day nearer to our dream. It is very true Xx


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## Arrows

Frangipanii, I posted this on the main chat but thought it might help.

Everything is going so quickly now it's strange to think that more than 6wks have passed since lo came home and yet life has completely changed and though it's hard to remember life with him now it's also still an adjustment. 
In these 6 weeks he's had 3 colds, cut two teeth, learnt to sit up from lying down, learnt to stay sitting up sturdily, learnt to stand up with only holding onto one hand, learnt to start moving his feet if you're holding him and move forward ( only happened today that one!), learnt how to make kissing sounds, said his first word-hello-say miaow and copy sounds , intonation cadence and volume of whatever we're saying. He's learnt to trust us, bonded with us 100%, gotten clingy, and sleep though the night. Finally in the past week he has has a party, his first birthday and helped me to celebrate my graduation ceremony as a finally qualified teacher. He continued to astound me every day! 

You may not experience the same milestones with your own but these are what male it all- the tears, tantrums, sleepless nights and baby brain- worth every minute!


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## Frangipanii

Hi Arrows. I read that on main thread and I have to say it made me abit emotional. So thank you for writing this. It is so important to have positive stories to read. It really is wonderful.  We are only at begining but with years of if I feel like I have been waiting forever never mind the rest of my family who have had to suffer because of my wierd body!!! Prep group soon and then h/s. So hope fully things will start moving. 
I love reading about peoples happy stories so thanks to everyone. I am hoping to have my own to add before 2013 is over. 

Much love. xx x


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## sevsxp

frangipanii .... 

yes the adoption journey isnt straight forward and at times can be hard and very emotional but once you have reached your "destination" all the heartache and suffering becomes a distant memory, and you have a whole new raft of things to worry about !!! but they are the worries you have always wanted.....

we had a tough adoption process, and at one point we nearly gave up after my wife and I were turned down after a prep group, as they didnt think we were a couple, although we had been together since we were 14, and were now 40 !! but they decided after 4 days they knew us better. Told us to go away and have couple counseling and try again in a years time.They also decided we had a small support group, although we explained we thought alot of support networks are based around, pre-natal,post-natal,playground situations which we hadnt been through then yes we were lacking, but they werent interested in what we were saying..... 

I am so glad we didnt listen to them or give up, we approached another LA and once explained the situation to them, they re-assesed us and couldnt see what the issues were, and took us on.

July 2011 we adopted our son who at the time was 2yrs old, he totally changed our life, and all of a sudden the "dark" days of IVF etc was a distant past, and everything seemed so right... there are endless moments that you never forget, the first hug, the first smile, the first time you hear daddy, your first "family" photo..... even now can feel me getting a bit emotional....

However our adoption journey didnt end where we expected it to !!! Sept 2012 our LA contacted us about our AS brother, which was now up for adoption, and would we consider him....... to cut a long story short, he moved in last week aged 9mths..... and seeing him and his brother together playing, cuddly, crying, screaming, are moments  money cant buy !!! yes there will be tough times ahead, but we are a family and we will great through them like any family does......

2 years ago I didnt know what to get my wife as a xmas pressie, now I have 2 sons and have so much fun in choosing pressie in the toy shops !!! but still dont know what to buy my wife !!!!

So even at your lowest point be strong, this is what you want, so dont let a SW take it away from you......


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## bambos

Our dd (5) & ds (2) joined us three months ago yesterday & I can echo some of the other comments about it being the hardest process to go through but we can honestly say that we would go through it a million times over for the joy & happiness we feel having spent two years ttc & a further year going through the process of adoption. We feel that our little ones are a gift from god. Don't get me wrong it is hard and there are days when we want to pull our hair out (prob not got much left now!) But the feeling of completeness & love we have for these two little people is amazing. Im a firm believer that everything happens for a reason no matter how terrible or difficult a journey, it has to be travelled to enable you to reach your eventual goal. Don't ever loose heart or think about quitting its beyond words how amazing it is to have your little ones.


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## Frangipanii

Cheers Bambos, i love reading about the special journey of love  Especially when it has been extra tough because it makes me realise that it is all do...able in time. Think we are over some hurdles and ready to greet the next ones. Yout family sounds wonderful. I am proud to have read your story of love and to have e-met you!!thanks for your encouragement!! xx


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## Suzie

Hi

Adoption - the hardest thing some days, YES but would I ever go back and change it - Not on your nelly   

Seeing my 7yr old son who came to us at nearly 2 with severe attachment issues, stand up at his Christmas play two weeks ago and narrate the whole story from memory in front of about 100 parents and be the clearest spoken and best behaved child there was something none of us could imagine when he arrived at my door five years ago   
Hang on in there  Good luck in your adoption journey 

x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Susie that brought a tear to my eye u just have been bursting with pride Xx


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## someday

Suzie said:


> Hi
> 
> Adoption - the hardest thing some days, YES but would I ever go back and change it - Not on your nelly
> 
> Seeing my 7yr old son who came to us at nearly 2 with severe attachment issues, stand up at his Christmas play two weeks ago and narrate the whole story from memory in front of about 100 parents and be the clearest spoken and best behaved child there was something none of us could imagine when he arrived at my door five years ago
> Hang on in there  Good luck in your adoption journey
> 
> x


wow Suzie that is fabulous. it brought a tear to my eye. very proud mummy!xxx


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## Frangipanii

Thanks Suzie for that, I didnt realise there had been more replies. Wow u really maka me cry. What a beautiful moment for you. Cant wait for allllll the highs and the lows. Cos people say parenting is not easy but surely it is better to work hard at something then the other side where u spend all the emotion worrying and wanting to be a mummy. 
f x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

I have to be honest the first few months were so hard and i found it very difficult to talk to anyone about it because i felt like a failure. I had wanted to be a mummy for as long as i can remember and it wasn't a bit like i thought it was going to be. But then the fog started lifting and i think i realised that  if i stopped trying to be superman and just took it 1 step at a time and if she didn't eat and was playing up did it really matter. We were told on our course PICK YOUR BATTLES wise words. Being  a mummy is the hardest job i have ever had but it is also the most rewarding and amazing and incredible job going. I went back to work this week part time and and bubba has been with grandparents. We have all been worried how she would be as she is such a mummy girl. I am so proud of how she has just taken it in her stride the family are amazed and i know now i am a good mummy i am preparing my baby for life and i am so so proud.


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## gettina

Insightful post thanks so much for sharing aaa. So glad you are all coping ok with your return to work and hope you have millions more things to be proud about over the years.
great thread all!


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Thank  u i am sure she isn't going to fail on providing us with many more of these moments. Xx


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## Frangipanii

Hi people. just curious..how do u know which child is right for you?! 
On a different note i am working with nursery children and have to say i love it!! Just had a conversatio. with a little boy about snowmen and was sat there thinking how i cannot wait to be doing it with my own children!!! I love cnversations with little people they are so interesting!!! x


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## Flash123

Fran, I'm glad you've asked that because I was wondering the same??x


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## Arrows

Some people feel they 'just know' -very unhelpful I'm sure but honestly that's how it worked for us.
We thought long and hard about exactly what we were looking for -not just what we might accept but what we really, really wanted. We said no to certain medical issues, wanted a child under a year old, my DH wanted a boy etc We also didn't want to see a picture first as we felt it was too easy to fall in love with a picture and forget about the real issues.
When we read his profile my heart literally leapt inside of me and I burst into tears (was embarrassing as was at work at the time!!). I knew he was my son. We felt we met his requirements and could meet his needs, contact arrangements, age, and that he met ours.

Lots of children met some of the things we wanted and we met the criteria for awful lot but you have to be very, very honest with yourself about what you want and can handle -don't try and MAKE them fit cause you like one aspect. Having said that, there was one thing that we had said no to before and decided to take the risk of uncertainty (given age) as we both felt so sure this LO was ours. We're really glad we took the risk as the potential concern turned out to be a non-issue.


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## funnychic

Hiya


I was always quite rigid in what I put on my matching form, I knew there were some definite no's and a lot of maybe's. I always knew I would only ever be happy with a girl and knew I wanted a pre- schooler.    So even when I got seemingly what my heart desired I was still uncertain "was this the right child"? I don't think until you meet them that  feeling ever goes away totally, you just look at the facts and have to decide if there are more positives than negatives.  I never did get that 'this is the one' feeling, my fear took over any other feeling.......but guess what, I have now met her and am on day 3 intro's tomorrow and she is totally utterly amazing!!  Gorgeous, clever, funny and exceeding any expectations I had.

Not sure what my point is but I can't stop telling people how fab she is!

Best wishes xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Our sw came out with bubba profile and it was just right. She did an amazing job. We had been quite certain about things we would and wouldn't be able to deal with. I can remember the day vividly sw arrived late as usual she said bubba is a girl she is 10months old and her bday is... Very bizarre hubby dad died during gap between approval and match and bubba shared his mum so hubby nan bday. I actually have to idea what she said after that!! I kept hearing hubby ask questions and thinking oops i shouldb be listening! Then we agreed the match and we saw her photo! I to this day don't know how we didn't cry with sheer happiness.  the second we shut our front door we were hugging jumping around and crying.

Be honest about what u feel u can and can not deal with your bubba is out there. Xx


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## Flash123

Aaaa you've just had me in tears, a wonderful story what dreams are made from. I do have a picture in my mind but I am too scared to verbalise it incase it is 'pie in the sky'. I know that must sound like i am being unrealistic but i promise you we are not. We are very much aware of the reality but I know it is my dream and after so many years of disappointments I can't help but wonder - can dreams come true?


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Yes they do and ours is sleeping in her cot. I was totally convinced we were going to have a 3 year old little boy so was a massive shock that bubba was a girl and under a year. I think if u r honest with sw and more importantly yourselves u will find your lo. Our sw spent a long time going through things and i think by the end of our journey she knew us really well so help steer us in the right direction. Don't not say something because u fear what sw  will think they would rather u be honest with them than have things go wrong.  Xx


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## Flash123

Funnychick and aaa both your bubbas sound utterly wonderful. Our sw seemed to really 'get us' from early on in the hs. On session number 1 we hadn't talked matching yet and out of the blue she said she could see us with a ...... Dh and i sat there open mouthed because it was exactly what we would have wished for. When we then moved onto matching criteria she went through the list going "am not asking you that...that's def a no.... Wouldn't put you in that position....etc" it made what can be an unpleasant experience  so much easier because you do feel like you are rejecting children and not issues and difficulties.


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## Flash123

Arrows , we too want a littlie as young as can be and as far as we can see the obvious negative of this is the amount of uncertainty. We were also quite specific but as you know there are something's at such a young age that you can't be certain about. what did you do - just gather as much information as you could, analyse and evaluate for hours - and then go with your heart  lol that's our plan but we haven't even been approved yet or seen a profile lol 

Fran - sorry for hijacking your thread. Hope the house work is going well. I love renovating. Must be big works if they are there till march. Fab x


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## Arrows

Flash123 said:


> Arrows , we too want a littlie as young as can be and as far as we can see the obvious negative of this is the amount of uncertainty. We were also quite specific but as you know there are something's at such a young age that you can't be certain about. what did you do - just gather as much information as you could, analyse and evaluate for hours - and then go with your heart


You're right about uncertainty and there still is a lot but you have to look at all the thinks that the birth parents (particularly Mother) have done through pregnancy and their lives. 
We did this for most outcomes prior to even being matched and even started thinking about these things before we were approved as adopters. Think about it all very carefully -medical, emotional, behavioural.
Take each possible one i.e. alcohol abuse then think it through -impact on a fetus, on a child, later in life, explaining birth circumstances later. Could you handle each bit, bearing in mind your support network.
Taking this example (generalisations only)-
Pregnancy & birth- baby could have slower growth, immature/delayed development in the womb, baby may/ may not show signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) Are you willing to take on a child with this condition?
Child- children affected by alcohol in the womb can develop ADHD/Autistic type traits -how would you cope with this? What support would be available? What about interacting with school?
Adult -are you comfortable explaining to them when they are older that their BPs/ BM abused acohol?

You can do this for lots of issues and it will help to develop a clear picture of the type of child you're looking for, which is what we did initially. Because we were then so clear about what we wanted/ could handle it made it a lot easier to make decisions. having said that we still came across a LOT of potentials but then when we read our LOs profile everything clicked. We still had to consider each issue and obviously the younger they are the more uncertainty their is and it's the trade off you have to be willing to make in order to take on a younger child.
We tried not to look at pictures as let's be honest they're ALL gorgeous/cute at baby stage and we didn't want to ignore the important issues.
When we read his profile we therefore knew that he was a close match. We could meet all of his needs and he matched our wishes in all but two issues which we explored once we had decided to submit our interest and on reading the CPR we were happy with our choice. He is so much ours! The funny thing is that the longer he is with us, the more he looks like us and is already taking on our mannerisms!


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## Frangipanii

Flash Hijack away. I love all the information and wonderful emotion we are getting to share thanks to everyone!!! It is wonderful. I am so grateful to everyone for their insight and advise!!! We also want young buy aswe may take three the age will spread out to maybe five years old. But who knows. Exciting stuff. although long way to go yet!!! 
Flash we are having flooring, windows, etc and then a complete decoration. Idont mind it but i certai nly dont love it. 
Funny chic wow what lovely reading congratulations...
Aaa.....sounds amazing too. Thanks for all the advice!! 
and to everyone else thank you. and to all the lurkers...lurk away and add stuff this thread has given so much hope to me. 
oooh just about to post when u posted arrows so will have a proper read...u r such a good source of info xxx
xxx


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## Frangipanii

Hi Arrows. I have to say I think I am going to use the stuff you have written to make a reminder table of what to think about when I get the profiles. You have given me some differents ways of thinking about it. So thanks. I am going to make a start on that tomorrow. 
I had an discussion with dh regarding photo as I  took on board what you said about that too Arrows but hbby was of a differing opinion so we agree to read profile and then look at picture. I think there is alot to be said about being slightly calculated about all this. Hopefully i can manage that when the time comes. If we get that far of course!!
House renovation starts tomorrow so I am hoping that all that stres will speed everything up. 
xxx


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## watakerfuffle

My own experience with being matched was a little different. We had profile of lo sent to us not that long after being approved (although it felt like ages!) We had been looking through BMP previously and really fallen for a lo out of county so we were a bit thrown when our sw said she had a lo in county. 

My husband didn't even want to look at the profile because of feeling drawn to lo on BMP. Me being nosy though and a little more practical about things I couldn't resist! There was alot to take in, medical history and information on birth family etc etc. We also received 2 pictures. Nothing shouted out that this was our lo, he looked sweet but I didn't imagine him as ours! Anyway me being the practical one I felt we couldn't just say no to lo as really there was no reason why he would not be suitable for us, a good match in fact other than no feelings for him. We read profile over and over and within 24hrs of receiving profile my husband had done a complete u-turn and was now feeling that actually he could be our lo. We felt we could do no harm with persuing things further, find out more about him, speak to fc, medical adviser, even get a dvd of him! All those things started to build up a picture of a lovely little boy and we started to feel more and more excited. 

Cut an already long story short lo is now upstairs in his cot taking a nap and he is the best thing that has ever happened to us. We struggled at first, my feelings were all over the place those first few weeks of placement but now I just adore and love him. He could not have been a better suited match for us, just perfect and more than we could ever of imagined. Some days are tough, however young they are they still come with there own baggage so to speak which is understandable when you think what they have been through. I just can't put into words how I feel about him, he is just an amazing little person and everday he blossoms and we find out more and more about him.


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## funnychic

Watakerfuffle I have pm'd you


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## Flash123

Wow - such wonderful stories and fantastic advice. Thank you all so much for sharing them.
Arrows as part of our hs we had to produce a table with the main types of neglect/abuse etc and list their possible effects. Will def dig that back out and hve another look


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Hi,

We have just been placed with to little girls 2 & 3. We went with a VA who were amazing. It was  just under nine months from when we first rang the agency.  
We have been surprised by how quick the whole thing was and the quality of the SW's we have come into contact with. (cos you do hear some horror stories!) 
Its still early days for the four of us but I wanted to say how absolutely wonderful my two little princesses are. 
I am completely shattered obviously its really demanding! 

We had a great time as a couple and a great life before this but always knew we wanted kids and now that little niggling feeling that something was missing has gone ))))))))


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## gettina

How reassuring and uplifting this thread is, for someone pursuing adoption with lots of enthusiasm and excitement and with faith but with concerns about my ability to deeply love a non birth child.
Thanks so much to everyone for sharing and to frangi for starting.
gettina x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Gettina u wouldn't be normal if u didn't have worries about it. I just knew how much love i had to give. I love all my nieces and nephews so so much but the love i have for bubba is on a whole different level. Its special truely special. Good luck x


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## Frangipanii

aaahhhhhhh renovating =thinking about decorating nurseries =what if we dont get through panel panic¡¡¡¡¡ I wish someone could just tell me now¡ Spoke to dh last night and we both agreed my life would ha e nothing in it if it wasnt for preparing for adoption. Everything, I need to offset some energy else where but with all the renovation and work and stuff it is just not going to happen. I live and breathe adoption...sorting house out for kids, working with kids, loosing weight to get through panel, doing homework for hs. Sorrh for rant I am not miserable or anything I would just like a clearer path than this not knowing and waiting!! Working with some toddlers at moment who dont have the best parents in the world would be a little understatement and inside i am screaming silly thoughts like 'make me a mum' 'let me have some children'. ha ha i sound like an idiot!! Dh snoring next to me with no concerns about me. Ah well I feel better for sharing. Probably wrong place but i am sure you will forgive me. Sorry for rant! I will dream of my true love in my forever family tonight....just a simple dream of sitting in our pjamas in front of the fire as a family of 4/5 plus dogs!!! night all x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Its all normal. I was decorating bubba to be bedroom a few weeks after hysterectomy as i needed to be doing something positive to keep the dream moving forward. U won't get to panel and be turned down far too much money has been spent by that point. Keep the dreams alive it will be reality soon. Xx


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Yeah the uncertainty sucks! Even though we knew it was very unlikely to go wrong, you still worry because it means so much!


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## o Doc o

aaa is a MUMMY said:


> Its all normal. I was decorating bubba to be bedroom a few weeks after hysterectomy as i needed to be doing something positive to keep the dream moving forward. U won't get to panel and be turned down far too much money has been spent by that point. Keep the dreams alive it will be reality soon. Xx


This is what Ive been saying once all the checks are done they know already and its just a matter of the stamp on the paperwork. You will be fine and great parents


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## E3021

Hi all, not been on for ages but had to add to this thread with my own slice of happy - 

On Tuesday we had a final hearing and our two girls became 100% ours forever    .
Such a happy feeling, even after seven months of being their mummy!

Then yesterday I had to take the two year old all the way to London for allergy testing, leaving little babba behind with daddy. The trip and hospital experience confirmed just how much I love daughter no. one during those long hours together - truly bonding!!

And when we stepped off the train, finally home and babba leapt into my arms after our longest time apart I cried because I love her so much. So to those wondering whether you can truly love a child you didn't give birth to, my answer is a resounding YES with all my heart.

They are my daughters and always will be, we belong together and how we found each other is of no consequence in terms of our love and bond.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

It is so it true. Hope lo is ok x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I love this tread so lovely x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

E3021, that brought a tear to my eye, what a lovely post.


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## Frangipanii

thanks everyone for reassurance!!! xx

E3021...thanks for post. These posts like yours are like little nuggets of gold helping me along the way!!! 
Can i ask did two feel like too much or are you glad you got your jigsaw in one go. Just curious as we defo would like two but maybe a three. Your family sounds completely wonderful congratulations!!!!Can i also ask did you have lots of sw visits after they moved in or was it occaisional. 

Proper first homestudy coming up soon and I am really excited!!! Sad i know. But i like my sw and i havr prepared lots of stuff for her to see. And hope she will meet my nan briefly. She is bringing a student buy i am sure that will be ok.
Hope more people put there nuggets of forever love on here it makes me heart leap and my mind race!!!!xxx


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## E3021

Hi Frangipani,

Two has been brilliant and I wouldn't' change it. I am really busy but haven't known any different so I just get on with it. It feels like a full family and we have said a few times that it would feel weird to only have one - although it would definitely be a lot easier. It's just logistics really - I guess with two you have to be more organised.

I have sometimes worried about how much attention I can give them as there is always two of them to one of me. But my dh is a hands on daddy in the evenings and at weekends so they get some one to one every day and I think they are happy, developing well and seem secure (hopefully!!!)

We had two social workers who visited post placement - ours and the girls' as they were from a different authority to the one we were assessed by. They worked really well together so that I wasn't overloaded with visits. For the first month I had one visit a week then it dropped to one a month as there were no concerns on either side. It never felt intrusive and tbh I liked both sw's so didn't mind seeing them and having a chat.

Hope that helps. Good luck with HS , I quite enjoyed ours.
Xxx


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## Frangipanii

Thanks so much E3021 
I am hoping for what you have more or less. We always wanted a big family and I dont see why my if battle should hinder that. But i think if we start with more than two it may be too much. I think as we will both be hands on pretty mucb like you it makes perfect sense!! 
It is wonderful how great it worked out for you with a good balance of social workers!! thanks for advice!! xx


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## Hbkmorris

Hello ladies hope you don't mind me joining you but I wonder if you could answer me a question. 

I've just had my 4th bfn and I'm now looking into fostering my only concern is the fact I've had IVF recently and I've been told by one council I'd need to be tx free for a year is that right? Have you found a delay with your councils for adoption or fostering? May I also ask you if you favour council or private agencies? 

Thank you very much, I'm just trying to get my background sorted.. How far back to they go into past relationships? My ex isn't keen on a big download (not that there was a problem his just very private) 

Xx


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## Frangipanii

HbkMorris. We had to wait six months after Ivf before we were allowed to start process officially!! Knowwone mentioned a year. I didnt like my Local Authority so went straight to three different voluntary agencies which all came to our house after we rung and interviewed and talked to us for a few hours. I say interviewed but we also made sure we were interviewing them as it is really important to get an agency that 'feels' right. They do go into your past alot and they examine what you have done throughtout your life ie partners, jobs, addresses etc. They want to know you. But something bad doesnt mean you cannot foster or adopt so dont worry and they do acknowledge you are human. Hope it goes great. love to u x x x


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## Hbkmorris

Thank you for your reply, I think I shall look into agencies as well then as the council run systems seem to be very harsh and abrupt (well the girl I spoke to was) 

I do understand that they need to go back and I've nothing to hide but my ex is a bit of a strange one where it comes to discussing his past!! 

Are you adopting or fostering? How long has it taken you to date? This has really made me see things in a different light and I've spoken to a few of my sisters friends who foster and they give so much to young babies/children who need it I find it quite overwhelming xxx


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## Arrows

hbkmorris, they want you to be treatment free for the length of time because the want to make sure you have dealt with the loss of not having your own children and had a chance to grieve. They delve quite deeply into your past and you have to be open and honest but the main focus on Q's for ex-partners is making sure about the kind of person you are and that you've not been abusive towards kids in the past but nothing major and the SWs are used to ex-partners who really don't get on so should be fine. 
The main issue I can see is that given how many attempts you've had to have your own children, they will likely have serious concerns about your motivation to foster rather than adopt as you obviously want a child of your own. You may have a newborn placed with you and live with you for up to 2/3 yrs, then have them taken away -could you handle that? That's not to say there aren't opportunities to go on to adopt the children you foster but you can't go into it thinking in those terms. If you apply to adopt and your heart really wants a newborn then there are foster-to-adopt schemes available which enable the possibility but it is really, really unlikely to happen as incredibly rare and only a few LAs/VAs actually do the foster-to-adopt schemes.
please have a good think and explore the options available in your local area and good luck for the future!


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## Frangipanii

Hi We are going to adopt(hopefully) and we started the process last June and had to have our six month wait so went on prep course in December although we were booked on one earlier but it was cancelled!! Not sure I could foster first as I need to have my own family first. 
Cant help you on the expartner bit as dont have any but I am sure as you say you dont have anything to hide.And i think they eill interview your ex about you not about him so you should be fine!!
We are hoping for siblings ans cant wait!! Feel free to ask away x x x


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## Hbkmorris

Thank you both.. I've alot of friends that foster which is why I'm heading more that way and I see how they help infants and although its hard when they go they do continue contact via cards and photos and as they say its the first step to helping a child in need gain trust, love and affection whilst an adopted parent/parents are being found and that to me is the greatest gift in life that I know I to could give.. My one friend has fostered 4 children and as one goes another has come along that's needed her love & affection so you just have to see it as that.. If that makes sense. Thank you for sharing your stories and plans. I think anyone who is considering this path is very special and we are people who care for the welfare of a child in need. Bless you all xx


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## Frangipanii

Anyone ever feel confused by what it is going to be like to be a parent when u have never done. I know I sound ridiculous but I have never changed a nappy, never fed a child, never changed a child, never dealt with a tantrum, or teething. How do u go from nothing to everything!!! I have no doubts that I want to do it but can i learn it all really fast!!! Anyone the same?! x


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## bluedreams

I never thought about this until today.  I was at my mam's talking about everything with her and me nana and they started talking about me being a mammy sometime soon.  And we were joking about me finally being a mum and not an aunty!  It's all really quite surreal, knowing that this journey WILL have an ending and not just a 'what if..'.  I've been Aunty T- for what feels like an age, 3 nieces, a nephew, godsons and friends daughters that call me aunt, I've always looked after them, but they always go back home.  With us when we get out LO, they will already be home!  I can't begin to imagine how different this will be.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Its very different. Like u i am an auntie to lots and couldn't begin to imagine that i could love my child more than i did my nieces nephews etc but omg how wrong was i. I can not find words to say how much i love bubba even when she is making me tear my hair out and then when she makes me cry with laughter. Its unreal. Enjoy Xx


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

I can remember having the strangest few days after we were told we had been linked to our LO's. I couldn't stop thinking about them and couldn't concentrate on anything else. I started worrying about if they were ok, and if I could keep them safe. It was like a huge shift
happened inside my head and I realised I was going to be a mum.  

Had the most lovely day with them today, can't believe how lucky I am!


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## Frangipanii

Bluedreams...I am glad I am not alone! Sounds like u will find it an easier change though!!! Have to get some advice when it all happens. x 
You know what ladies...Doubleprincestrouble and Aaa is a mummy..  every now and then i need to bring myself back to the point of it and u have helped. U help remind me that it is not just the struggle and the attachment issues and the birth family and all the other adoption jargony baggage but that there is love right smack bang in the middle of all this hard work and worry. Love, simple yet all we have been waiting for for so long...simple love!!! Thanks xxx


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## Flash123

To be honest fran, and I know this will sound dramatic, but I've been waking up in the night worrying that I won't be able to do it too. Our lo is with such lovely fc that I sometimes think that I won't be able to do all the practical day to day things . I know I will love him to the stars and back but 'domestic goddess' I ain't lol. Dh make my 
Breakfast and sandwiches in the morning because I'm an utter muppet. How will I know how many blankets are safe on his cot, how do you know if their  milk is warm enough, what size food is so mall it old choke them? I know exactly how you are feeling. 

My best friend has given me a load of Tina ford books and although thy are very prescriptive and many things aren't appropriate for an adopted lo they have helped a lot. It is a bit like 'being a mum for dummies' and thats what I need lol
Xxx


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## Flash123

Shows how much I've taken in - its gina not tina


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## Frangipanii

ha you maka me laugh. Yeah i think i may have to buy the parenting manual written for dummies cos that is how i am gonna feel!! I tell u what Flash u aint felt as dumb as me..working with teenage mums and not knowing how to properly hold a baby! Ok mainly it was nerves having avoided babies for so long and there i was confronted with one!! Personally I more adapt at holding chickens but obviously it is not the same!! 
u dont sound dramatic at all. My dh says it would be weird if we didnt worry about those things!!! And I suppose he is right(oh dear I aint telling him that). I am sure that you will grasp it all with confidence....you'll be the mum so I suppose you have to and me when the time is right!! xxxx


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## gettina

Frangipani I had exactly this kind of 'omg' moment today in London with my sister and one year old nephew. We were on a bus and she left me n baby on it as she went back home to collect something forgotten.i had to get off the bus and meet her somewhere. Realised I was nervous about how you get off a bus with buggy! Forward, backward? how not to take other passngers out on the way, how to traverse the large looking gap between bus adn pavement....Realised there's going to be hundreds of similar little things no one will ever tell you! Eeek.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

U will be fine honest u don't need to be super human. We all make mistakes and u very quickly learn. On our first day  at fc bubba didn't have bum changed till tea time fc was so busy trying to tell us everything he totally forgot and bubba was their 10 th foster child and 2 of their own so don't panic. Buggy nightmares still happen i am useless with it lol but that is why i don't drive poor bubba. 

We have all waited for so long, been through so much and avoided so much to protect ourselves all these worries r normal.  get asmmuch experience as u can and look forward to the mistakes. Xx


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Don't forget even with a perfect FC, its not the same as a forever family. 
And very few people have childcare experience before having children.
I can't tell you how many things we googled in the first few weeks. How hot should their bath be? How many times a day should a 3yr old wee?


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## Poppets Mammy

Tee hee Doubleprincesstrouble - I've recently had a right wobbler about bath & room temperatures amongst other things. It's funny what runs through your mind leading up to Intro's, all common sense seems to of left me!


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## aaa is a MUMMY

And me. Mummy brain has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy hormones that is for sure!! We had bubba wobbly this morning we were going to the zoo! I don't like zoo, i don't like animals me don't like father Christmas!! Ok what is she going on about!! Eventually after more pleads from bubba more tears and paddy we realised last time we went to zoo we saw father Christmas and she can't stand him!! Much reassuring that the man in red wouldn't be there and we get i do like zoo i do like animals!!! Had a lovely time. Xx


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## Arrows

I agree about the baby-brain! Lack of sleep contributes enormously and that's not always from the kid/s waking up, you go into hyper-aware mode for at least the first month and startle at every sound. Sleep eludes you until you're so exhausted you end up sleeping whenever they do -if that means going to bed at 7pm, that's what you do!!
I had loads of childcare experience before we brought our son home but nothing really prepares you for your own child, as they're their own person and have their own quirks! 
One child might get nappy rash, another not.
One might get excema, another asthma, another nothing!
You may change their routine and so that impacts again, as they may have had different experiences. For example, FC didn't have a car and we use ours a lot so that was a challenge.
Not to mention the fact that they change daily: 4 months ago our LO didn't like apple or banana and had no known allergies -now he love both banana and apple and we have discovered he's allergic to chocolate and strawberries!
Most of the time you wing it! 

Having said that, I do recommend getting some experience dressing a small child and changing nappies, if you're going for a young one -I'm sure most parent-friends would be happy to let you have a go.


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## Frangipanii

so amazing to read about other peoples experiences and thank god people can relate to stuff to make me feel more human....never mind a little bit of a giggle. I cant write much tonight cos i am exhausted!!!
Going to try and sleep even though my mind is full of adoption worries. Not sure my folks are coping with how consuming adoption is compared to when they did it. I am quite tactless sometimes and told them they will do as we require. It may have been vetter to let them get used to it all!!! Oh god i sound awful. Dont worry they adore me but obviously this is a sensitive time!! I hope parenthood is worth all this!!! night all x x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

It is hun. We had similar probs with family friends who adopted years ago and everytime my mum spoke to her it made mum ask stupid questions!! U become an expert at changing subject very quickly. The funny thing is their son and has wife were our references and all ended up meeting our sw she ended up talking to 4 adults and the 2 children lol she said it was a first for  her but didn't stop stupid questions. Stick in there Xx


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## Frangipanii

Posted this on another thread
Its been bothering me today. .....how do you tell people who you love but dont see.about the children u have ie godparents, cousins, family friends etc who love away and maybe you see them once in a while. We have quite alot of these in our family/friend grouo especially my folks friends and it is beyond my tiny brain to think of a reasonable solution. Admittadly I am exhausted (evident by my spelling). please help!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

My Dad is one of these that writes a Christmas letter stating what each of us has done / achieved so I will just get it put in that I think. Doesn't really help if you don't write one. The other thing is never under estimate the gossip train. Realistically if you were pregnant they would all know and you probably wouldn't have told most. Explain to the one or two you bump into and within a month or two they'll all know. It's just how life works x


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## GERTIE179

My mum was such a proud granny that she spread the word to EVERYONE but we knew she would so she was only allowed to after decision makers decision was final. How would they know if you had a birth child??
Some people do announcement cards too
X


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## ChickenLegs

My mum has already told me to let her know when she can start telling everyone! I don't mind, she'll enjoy it, and she's waited a long time for this.


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## wynnster

We did announcement cards when both of ours arrived   

Everyone said how they'd felt so emotional reading them, we had photo's of LO on it and it said X&Y are proud to announce the arrival of Z, born: 9.9.09 and placed in our arms and hearts forever: 9.9.12

We made some special verses too - ds's arrival was Christmas so we wrote 'Now that X is finally here, this card is sent full of xmas cheer, we're so very blessed, we thank god above and we wish you a Christmas full of peace and love' (or something like that)   

Lovely keepsakes for people too and for them to have a photo to see them


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## Arrows

The day we were officially linked we rang close family and friends, then after DS had been home 2 months we sent an announcement card as it linked nicely with Christmas at that point. It said his name (using the our surname), Born: XXXX and welcomed home: XXXX


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## Frangipanii

Hi ladies. Some fantastic advice and I am probably going to use it all!!!!!! U have totally eased my mind and now I feel like i have a plan. Especially like the card idea. Moonpig could come in use there i think!!! 
This forum is wonderful. I have a problem...i come on here and discuss and problem is eased!!!

Would be weird if I wasnt worrying so I am just going through the stages of worry i suppose!
thanks xxxx


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## Anjelissa

We sent announcement cards too, including information such as our lo's name (as it would be when officially adopted as no need to confuse everyone), date of birth and date he came home to us   .
We really enjoyed being able to send them and there was a fantastic response, so much support and happiness from everyone    
We're looking forward to making another batch in the not too distant future   
Anj x


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## custard

Anj, how long did you wait after he came home, before you sent the cards out? If you can remember roughly, that would be ace! Thanks lovely. 
J x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

I signed all our xmas cards with bubba name and they were posted before intro started she was ours from the day we were matched. That got my mum busy on the phone lol then we sent pic out with thank u cards for all  gifts we then received. Xx


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## Frangipanii

hubby and I are so pleased with all the issues sorted out by using these threads!!! Cant imagine life with this support!!!! 
Dh and I are getting more excited but really scared as it could all go wrong!!! We were talking about it and what if we get turned away at panel. It would be worse than m/c or failed ivf for us. I know they are supposed to let us know if there are any warning signs that could mean there are some issues!! I have my plan z if we are never to be parents but my gosh it would be sooooo awful!!! For us, my parents and again me!!! 
Its funny(sidetracking) we were laughing the other day about how the agencies want to know u can deal with attachment problems, and birth parents and truma but what about feeding, nappies and crying....ha ha makes me laugh.
Hubby and I want a boy and a girl and I am starting to think about which nursery for which child. I know panel is not til June but I am so looking forward to being a mum. 
Hope everyone is ok and feels confident to air their worries like I am obviously so confident in doing!! xxx


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## Arrows

Fran -SWs will NOT take you to panel unless they are fairly certain you will be told 'yes'! On incredibly rare occasions they want further details added due to paperwork not being completed in enough depth but this is only a deferral -NOT a 'no'.
You'll be fine! Paint neutral colours cause although you may want a girl and boy and even be approved for 2 children, you may not end up with what you expect!


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## Anjelissa

custard said:


> Anj, how long did you wait after he came home, before you sent the cards out? If you can remember roughly, that would be ace! Thanks lovely.
> J x


Hi J, 
We sent them out quite early, only a few weeks after placement. Although it was prior to our court date we knew that there were no issues or possibilities of the court decision being different, if there had been I think we may have waited in that case.
Everyone we sent them to knew already so it wasn't really to announce little man's arrival, we just thought it was a nice thing to do to celebrate such an important event, to let everyone know his full name (with our family name), his arrival date and Birthday. 
I hope all's going well with you  , not long now  
Anj x


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## Frangipanii

Can I ask if any of the experienced peeps told the nursery and schools if the child/children were adopted. x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'd tell them for two reasons ( one practical and one emotional). On a practical level children who are in or ever have  been in care are deemed top priority so you can use it to guarantee your child gets a place at the school of your choice.  Emotionally from the age of 3 - 6 a lot of the curriculum is based on all about me. Loads of personal and family history.  Lots of where I live my family / home.  As a teacher of  children that age you form really close bonds. Many of them tell you everything and parents are horrified.  It's easier and  better for the child if you have let teacher know  before they do helps us help them. I have held children as they cry over foster carers they have left and missed. Talked them through the difference between dead and not seen any more. Let them choose to make additional mothers day cards when they are on introductions and feel torn so they don't have to choose who gets a card and who doesn't.  All these things are much easier with knowledge.  Also If I knew I could help children explain why they need multiple cards. Let them proudly show a picture of their forever family and introduce their new family to their class. 5 year olds are generally as accepting as their teachers enable them to be.  Well the children I taught most have parents that hopefully teach them acceptance and understanding.  Sorry to rant I just hated not knowing what to say to a child to offer comfort or someone to celebrate with  because no one thought I  needed to know. Just start witb the  basic info  but leave dialogue open so teachers can ask who is x etc if they need to  xxxx


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## bluedreams

Thanks for you comments Gwyneth.  I did know that about the curriculum and you've probably just 100% convinced me there of the need to tell the school.  We were thinking about it just because we want to get our LOs into a school which isn't our catchment in the future.  So this has been really helpful. x


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## Anjelissa

Hi Fran,

Yes we told our lo's pre-school and as he's soon to be moving to a different pre-school attached to his infant school we've also told them (although they knew the basics anyway due to my volunteer work there during our assessment).

There are many reasons but we felt that one of the most important is that as our little man starts to understand more and more about his story he may naturally want to talk to his teacher about certain things or even just mention bits and bobs that wouldn't make sense to them had they not known. We felt it was important that they know the basics so that they can respond appropriately and support him in the best way possible. We have been very clear that they should redirect him to us if he ever asks anything them anything more detailed that they are unsure as to how to answer or even if he mentions anything that they feel we should know.
We had a home visit last week from his new pre-school teacher and one of the ta's and we all agreed that the 2 ta's and head teacher should also know the basics. As he's going to be there for the next few years we just feel it's important they know.
As gwyneth mentioned, their sessions at this age are often centred around the immediate world around themselves and their family etc, we just felt it could be more confusing for our little man if things he naturally would mention were misunderstood or unintentionally dealt with inappropriately by his teacher and ta's just simply due to them not having sufficient knowledge.
Obviously they don't need to know details but just enough to be able to understand when he talks to them about his story and therefore able to respond sensitively and appropriately.

As I say, there are other reasons but it just feels right for us. It may not for others and obviously each situation will be different but in our case his school and immediate teaching staff were amongst those we felt should be 'in the know'.

Anj x


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## willswendy

Our beautiful boy has been home with us for nearly 2 years, and honestly I cannot imagine a day when I hadnt seen his face. He feels 100% ours and I honestly dont think I could love him more, I simply cannot find the words to describe it.  Hes like a little angel sent from heaven just for us x  He has completely filled our lives, and has enriched our families more than I coud have dreamt. 

I know our families/friends were really looking forward to meeting him (with a few reservations naturally), but I dont think we really took into consideration how excited everyone is, and how small and absolutely adorable children can be, our ds is just so cute they all fell for him instantly.  After wanting to be a mummy for so long, it was fanastic to experience everyones excitement and the fuss that was made over our son.  We got thank you cards made on the internet (with his photo on)  as so many people sent us their good wishes and gifts. experience.

We had him christened 2 months after the court date, we gave him a middle name and then we had a big party, which was a great day and a wonderful opportunity to have all our freinds and family with us to celebrate our little man.

Adoption is a a very strange and emotional journey to go through, different than having the treament because it felt more certain that we would be parents at the end of it, and it scary I know!  I just tried to stay strong and kept telling myself that it would all be ok as this was meant to be, and not for one day has it ever felt wrong, we are truly blessed   

sorry i know i have waffled on a bit, I dont get on here too much these days!  but I know what an amazing site this is, it has helped me through some challenging times in my life, and I truly believe helped me to get to where I am today (at home looking after my 4 year old son who has a fever!) xxx

Best wishes and lots of babydust   

Wendy xxx


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## GERTIE179

Aww Wendy that is sooo lovely
Poor wee cherub though with his fever :-(
Gx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Love the positive stories from the other side x x


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## Frangipanii

Hi Thanks Wendy for your lovely story! I loved! I am having a bit of a low period so stories like that are magic therapy!!!!! 
I am worried about everything, pmt has got so much worse since ivf. What if I am no good at being a mum, what if I should just go and live abroad, donate to a orphanage and dive everyday! I have waited for this so long and now it is getting closer and I worked out if we dont get through it would be worse than having a mc because we started the process for two kids in June, I am not having second thoughts obviously just thoughts of what if......? 
I have heard stories of people getting through panel with a link..... I hope and praying that that is us!
and now I am going to get a shower and go out and calm down! 
xxx


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## crazyspaniel

Keep smiling Franji, everything will work out I'm sure x I find it very hard to switch off from this process, it's always there in the back of my mind which inevitably leads to worries and stress...!


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Hi Franji,

Only natural to have doubts. If you didn't think it was a big deal then you wouldn't be the right person for it would you!

I had really bad PMT just as we were applying to adopt and I decided to go back on the Pill. It has really helped, I just didn't want my crazy hormones getting in the way of my bonding time with my girls.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Fran   I think parenting is (very complex in many ways) but in others very simple you get back what you put in. The difference between those that struggle and those that do well from what I can see both professionally and personally is effort. You will be a great Mum because you will give 110%. Yes you will make mistakes as we all will / do but the effort you put in will ensure that you do a good job x x


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## Frangipanii

thanks lovelies, I am a drama queen. Well actually probably not I just get lonely and stress a bit. and this is my place for that. I am taking peoples advice and I going to find some new hobbies ans learn to relax. 
Gywneth...u are wonderful as always thanks for your support!!! More voluntary work here i come!! xx


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## Frangipanii

Hi just after some advice. We have some idea with regard to what children we would like ie age, gender, race, etc. What are peoples preferences and how have they explained them. 
just be good to hear what other people think. 

xxx


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## Marley49

We are only at the very beginning but have given an age range of under 3 years old, no preference on gender, ethnic appearance close match to us as poss, will accept minor disabilities but as we have an active life we wouldn't be able to care for a severely disabled child, they liked our honesty.

Xx


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## Frangipanii

Thanks Marley. Similar in some ways.
We are wanting two under four, least physcially wrong also because of our life style and our house, least learning issues as possible, ethnicity - open to all, gender preference one of each if at all possible. Obvxiously recognise that physical issues and learning issues could develope in the future. 
x


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## Marley49

It's hard not to just say "any child" but then you have to be realistic. My other half is the down to earth one and I know that they won't let me jumpy feet first into a match.

Our Sw is really great and I can ask as many silly questions as I want about the children that are out there.

X


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## ChickenLegs

Two, no gender preference (but feel like two the same might be the best for us), pre-school so I get to spend as much time with them as possible, ethnicity no preference but I would like them to have similar colouring to us. We aren't allowed to make changes to our house, so mobility problems would have to be limited to mild ones. We're also quite outdoorsy.

It's not just about what we want in our children though, we have to admit if we can't meet a child's needs. So yes, I have to forgive myself for not wanting all of them!


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## Frangipanii

totally Chickenlegs..I am open to the ethnicity of children but I want to make sure I can meet their needs. We do live in a predominantly white are but we are a cultured family is it or is it not fair on the children. I cant answer this yet. 
Marley our social worker is good in thst way too. So many ridiculous questions and honest chats!! 
. And i am a full believer in being a realist....why waste anyones time especially the children's. 
(Chickenlegs I have to ask.....why the name?)
Its like writing a wish list......i want two perfect, beautiful, intelligent, silly, cute, and kind children.......eh um dont think so. What criteria that you want is realistic and what isnt. My idea of cute may not br my social workers etc so it makes me wonder how anyone gets to matching, but they do and they are happy forever families. 
brain keeps ticking over!! !xxx


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## ChickenLegs

I'm ChickenLegs cos my legs are thinner than the rest of me!


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## Frangipanii

ha ha pmsl. i am kinda the same....skinnyish legs, and bigger as I go up. The reason i ask is cos I love chickens. x


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## Anjelissa

lol   at you lot  
I caught the end of this thread and thought huh?   
Anj x


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## Wyxie

frangipanii said:


> ..I am open to the ethnicity of children but I want to make sure I can meet their needs. We do live in a predominantly white are but we are a cultured family is it or is it not fair on the children. I cant answer this yet.


I think that's for you to decide - my husband and I had this conversation as we used to live in a very ethnically mixed area and had a lot of local friends from a particular ethnic group, and we had considered whether we might be able to look at a placement of a mixed race child, however we moved and decided that because of where we now live, we didn't think it would be appropriate to try and adopt children of mixed race. We now live in a white working class town and there are very few non white children and families locally. It is not a very forward thinking area generally speaking.

The government is obviously wanting to change the guidelines on white couples adopting mixed race children, but I do think that panels and SWs are still looking for people who live in mixed areas, preferably with support network who include people of the other races. I know one couple and am aware of another who post on AUK forums, who have gone to panel recently, in both cases with an Afro-Caribbean Grandparent, so 1/4 Afro-Caribbean, who were unanimously rejected at matching panel because they lived in areas with little ethnic population and didn't have any mixed race or Afro-Caribbean friends on their support network. Panel felt the children would be too isolated. I have to say I was surprised that their SWs let them get to panel without any warning they could be declined given panel's historic stance on this issue.

I'm not saying that to try and put you off, just to say that I think you're absolutely right that you need to talk to your SW about whether it's a good thing, and whether they think matching panel would agree it's a good match. I can't imagine getting to that stage and getting knocked back.


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## Frangipanii

Anjelissa...sorry for the confusion!!! 
Thanks for commenting on this as well Wyxie(u r a star)....It is so tough making decisions when you dont really know what to do. I am quite shocked people have been turned down although I can understand it. What I am trying to say is (and I hope I do it successfully pc) that I believe children are most likely better off with people who are ethnically similar however if the alternative is for children to stay in permanent foster care then and if suitable children should be placed in a home that is right in every other way. Matching is a very selfish process in someways but all the time and i am sure we would all agree the children must come first. Wyxie, are you saying you would if you live in a different area? We live in a predominantly white area however it is an area of mixed culture and ethnicity. In fact our neighbours are of asia heritage. I have asians in my family although not blood related and we are very culturally aware as a family due to my mums job. Our social worker supports us to adopt children with a different ethnicity. But still I cannot make my mind up!!! xx


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## Wyxie

Yes, if we lived in a more culturally aware and mixed area (in the right way, I've lived in some inner city areas that would be very much the wrong way!) that I've lived in during the past, we were considering it.  Like you a lot of our local friends were Asian and I have a close friend who is sikh, married to another close friend who is white British, their children are of a similar age to ours and we felt that where we lived combined with our "support network" or "friends" as normal people would put it, made it a possibility.  We first considered adoption quite a long time ago, it was our plan to have one or two birth children, then think about adoption, as we wanted a big family and that was how we wanted to do it.  In the end we couldn't have our birth family, and by the time we came to adoption we were living in an area where attitudes are not great.  It is our intention to move in a few years; I don't want my children to grow up surrounded by the sort of prejudice I regularly see here.  If you're not white and straight, you stand out like a sore thumb (although being 20 with 3 kids by 3 different men is fine) - I am also aware of my own prejudices!

Edited to add: I understand what you mean about children being better off being in a loving family than being in care indefinitely, regardless of the race issue, but for us we felt it added an extra layer of complication we just didn't feel we wanted to deal with.  Plus, even as recently as when we first adopted, it would almost certainly not have been considered.


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## Frangipanii

i wanted a huge family with both bio and adopted too.But at least we are here now hey. I am glad you have opened up to me about this. I needed someone elses story to help me decipher the rest of mine/ours. 
I have an issue with any areas in society that seem to advertise degredation too. I have similar prejudices Wyxie.
xxxxx
xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Me too I always thought I'd have 2 bio and then adopt 2. Strange how the world ends up isn't it. Like you I would consider all children but where we live it would have to be white I'm afraid. It's a small, rural and as you say fairly judgmental community who definitely harbor all the isms. However every always start there phrases with I'm not -------ist but ......... So clearly all is fine and the worries are in my head only


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## MummyAuntieKatie

We have said 1 or 2 (but were approved for up to 3), any sex.  However I did think that boys would be better as I think it's easier for a mum to get involved in boy's activities than for a dad to get into a girl's (gender stereotyping I know).  White (we are in a very predominately white area and are not multi cultural in our wider family although we do have a mixed race niece) and no religion as we are not religious and whilst I would always be happy to accept other's views and beliefs I couldn't in all conscience promote a religion.  

Health wise we said we'd accept pretty much anything at the minor end of the scale but nothing at the cronic end, i.e. we'd accept hearing impairment or partial sight issues but not totally deaf or blind, iyswim?  Also, we could handle some mobility issues, missing fingers etc but not completely disabled because we have to be active with the dogs.  Also, in a completely selfish way, we are building our family with an insight birth parents don't have, and we aren't getting any younger!  We ideally want very healthy children with no issues but realistically we could wait forever so it just became about degrees. And of course, once a child or children are placed anything could happen, but we don't want to make things harder than they have to be if we can help it. 

We also said no known history of sexual abuse as we both want to be equally involved in all aspects of care and didn't want to potentially rule out Hubby from activities like bathing and changing etc. 

Now frankly, anything could happen but if the LO we've been told about is to be our LO then there are very few known issues


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## -x-Lolly-x-

We have said white children but open to adopting children born to birth parents of a different nationality, eg, polish. To be completely blunt it is because DF didn't want people to think our child wasn't his.


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## Frangipanii

I like honesty and bluntness!!
My husband felt the same for a while. And i reco he still has deep down but not sure he is admitting it!!! Time yet though!!
I am obsessing a little I think. x x


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## Frangipanii

Thinking we can actually go on holiday! Well if we get through panel! But now we have to decide where we need to go!!! Ah well that's fun! So far on the list is Egypt, Goa, Athens or phi phi islands or maybe just maybe Cuba, the Caribbean, or Mexico. Anything I was born to travel!!!! Xxx


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## Hbkmorris

Sorry to but in but I'd just like to say Cuba is beautiful, I've been there 6 times and I love it.. The south is less commercial and in spoilt where as the north has all the normal large all inc hotels and sights to see.. It's a great place and very safe.. Enjoy x


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## Frangipanii

Ooh I realised I posted in wrong place but never mind! 
Thanks Hkbmorris I have been to Cuba but only varadaro and Havana! Where would you suggest?? X x x


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## Frangipanii

I am thinking it's normal to feel inadequate and lacking in confidence! I am
thinking about how you make that transition from one day being childless to the next day being a mummy!! There is the obvious practical stuff like preparing the house, decorating, etc but what about the emotion, the ability to know what to do with said child/ children! I am not depressed or stressed thinking about this don't get me wrong in fact it feels
like a natural progression but I have never changed a nappy, pushed a pram, etc so do you just learn as you go and wing it? 
I think in a way it's good to think about it but at the same time after so long of self analysing I would just like everything to fit into place!!! Interesting times I suppose!! 
X


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## MummyAuntieKatie

If it helps, I'm scared to death!   I have changed nappies and pushed prams but I have never had responsibility for a 2 year old!   I'm thinking that it must be very similar to bringing home a baby?


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## aaa is a MUMMY

You will both be fine. It is so emotionally amazing and honest to god something does just click in and u just do it. Pushing a pram is a challenge but I still crash ours lol bubba got a bump up the pavement a few weeks ago she shouted mummy bump  
The first few weeks I honestly just think u r living on such a high. Please don't get me wrong it wasn't all roses I really struggled when hubby went back to work I was almost sick. He said what is up my reply was I can't do this on my own. His response was but u have just naturally been doing for last 5 weeks what the bleep are you talking about lol. It was hard as he works shifts and for first 3 months he was doing a training programme at work which was a different pattern of hours so we never really got into a pattern which suited us all until April/may and bubba came home in dec. 
Its all about being a mummy you find what works for you as a family there will be days when nothing seems to be working but thats normal.  Try and rest when you can as you will need all the energy you can get.

Mummy land is fab just hate going to work mon and tues and leaving her. Just waiting for the call from a little voice saying mummy I awake I want you. Happy days


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## Wyxie

I think you just need to accept that you'll do some stuff wrong, and not worry too much.  

I was awful at manoeuvring a buggy around for ages, I took my daughter out with her shoes on the wrong feet, forgot to take things I needed like nappies or tissues, was constantly leaving things within my daughter's reach that she shouldn't have and she would gleefully grab and end up having to wrestle back off her, and generally felt awful about it at the time.  Now I just shrug and think, well, never mind, we all have to learn.  I still occasionally get out somewhere and realise I've not got enough nappies, or I've gone somewhere boring and not put enough toys in the bag to keep Wyxling entertained, and you know what, so does almost everyone else at some point!  It doesn't matter how much you've looked after other people's kids, when faced with the challenge of getting your own out the door with everything you  and they need, especially when they're being difficult and you desperately want to get them somewhere they may stop giving you a hard time and start enjoying themselves, we do stuff wrong.  When you bring a new born baby home you can work at your own pace and gradually get used to doing things with a child in tow, at an age where they're conveniently sized for carrying around with a million other things you aren't used to taking everywhere.  When they come with their own pace and expectations, and everything you're doing is just a bit different to what they're used to, and they're a lot bigger and harder to deal with when they kick off, it's quite a bit harder to get it all together!


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## Frangipanii

Thanks lovelies!!! You have put my mind at a normal pace now and I feel a normalised!! I think it's a matter of
learn as you go and don't panic when u get wrong according to what you have said!!  Thanks again!! X x x


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## scooby-doo_123

Hi everyone
I know this an old post, but just so lovely to read.

Thanks for all the positive comments, it really helps as there is so much negativity around adoption xxx


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## ma1978

Hi ladies 
I got to agree with all the other ladies about adoption yes it a hard journey but my god it's so worth it.
We were approved in nov 13 had a match by dec 13 went to match panel jan 14 and now our little one is home and we are coming into our 3rd week at home with us.
Word cannot describe how we felt when we met little one.
Very very proud parents


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