# Infertility...sucking the fun out of life since 2013



## Mrs_Roo

Does anyone else ever think about what they’ve missed out on? Or how life has been ‘put on hold’ while TTC?

Please don’t get me wrong, I am so ready and desperate to be a mummy I know I would do all of this again and make the same decisions if there was a chance of getting a beautiful baby at the end. 

We were due to start IVF at the beginning of this month, however, that has been cancelled due to issues with our postcode/CCG (a story for a different thread!). It’s made me reflect on all the opportunities and events that I’ve said no to or put off because “I might be pregnant by then” (wishful thinking!)

I’ve said no to taking on things at work (which definitely would have helped my career progress) because I was worried that the additional workload/stress would have had a negative impact on treatment. 
I’ve missed out on hen weekends abroad because I thought they were going to clash with appointments and starting treatments. 
DH and I have put off booking exotic holidays ‘just in case’ we will need our savings for further treatment ‘if’ our NHS rounds don’t work. 
We have a membership at a lovely heath club/spa but for the last year I have made DH stay out of the Jacuzzi/steam room/sauna.  Every time he has a drink (which admittedly is not as often as he used to) I feel like he’s reducing his sperm count with every sip. He’s due to go on a stag do in a couple of weeks and all I can think is that it’s going to take 3 months after that to improve his swimmers again because I’m sure what few he has will all drown of alcohol poisoning that weekend! I mostly scream about this in silence because I know he’s already made so many sacrifices and changes, but every now and then I do have a moan or a melt down and then I feel like such a nag! 
On top of all of that infertility has given me such a negative view on many things and I’m finding it harder and harder to stop the feelings of bitterness and jealousy towards friends and colleagues who seem to be able to get pregnant sooo easily – Some even when they’re on birth control. How is that fair? They manage it on accident and I can’t even manage it on purpose with intervention and planning??!!!  Infertility is so unfair :’( 
My social circle is shrinking because friends become ‘mummies’ and our lives are now very different. I make excuses for baby showers and don’t meet with them in groups as they are usually referred to as ‘play dates’. 

Overall, I just feel like infertility sucks the fun out of everything and my life has been on hold for two years because it’s all I think about and put TTC above everything else.


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## Alotbsl

Mrs Roo, I and im sure everybody on this forum couldn't agree with you more. Infertility affects you in ways you couldn't even imagine. I feel Ive lost most of my 30's to infertility.

It's an unbelievably hard thing to cope with and only those of us who have experienced it know what it takes. Just remember you are an incredibly strong person to go through this, take pride in your inner strength and keep battling on.


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## ladybug8410

Hello Mrs Roo. So much of what you say resonates with me. We haven't even been trying as long as so many other ppl have been on this journey; yet I sometimes think I can't keep going like this. We have male factor as well as the issue so all of what you said about DH drinking and etc is exactly how I feel!! Each time he puts his laptop on his lap, I jump up with a cushion in response. Talk about becoming neurotic..

We had CCG issues as well so decided to go down the self funded route initially until the NHS sort themselves out. 

I'm really hoping this cycle gives us what we need and if not, I think I'm definitely going to take a few months off and re think things again.

All the best to you!


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## springsunshine

Yes, it's true. My life was on hold for 6 years whilst TTC. It all came good in the end  It will for you too. 

x

p.s. My DH got badly sunburnt on the golf course the day prior to egg collection. He was the colour of a tomato. The embryologist called us for an urgent talk prior to fertilisation to say that DH's sperm were not as good as normal due to the sunburn and we should try 50% IVF and 50% ICSI. I was absolutely fuming with DH. Could have killed him lol Guess what.....from that cycle we got ID twin boys. Hope life turns around for you soon x


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## oscar13

Mrs Roo, you are definitely not alone....I could have written almost every word! Just remember us IVF ladies are made of very strong determined stuff. Just try and squeeze in a bit of light relief for you and DH whenever you get the chance xxx


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## Mrs_Roo

Gosh I hadn't realised I'd written so much! 

Thanks girls!
Ladybug -I am totally the same with the laptop and cushion! Lol 
Alotbsl  and springsunshine it's good to hear that it was all worth it for you both in the end-that keeps me going! Although I will be keeping DH in the shade from now on ;-) 

Another example, We've got a couple of weddings to go to next month and I found a lovely dress in the sale in January that would have been ideal. Although it was half price it was still £80. I decided not to buy it because I thought I'd be on ivf meds at the time of the weddings and I've read a lot about side effects making you feel bloated etc. (The dresswas quite figure hugging and I was worried about how I would be feeling/look) as it turns out ivf has been cancelled and now I can't find another dress I like as much! I know this sounds self indulgent or insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it's just annoying!


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## kappa

I hear ya. TTC since 2011 and the amount of job opportunities and social events, hen dos concerts I've decided not to participate in "just incase" something happens. All the lies and excuses to people because you don't want to give the real reason you don't want to go somewhere is exhausting. Life is stuck on hold and it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know the answer or how we keep going but I wish you all the best in your journey.


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## geegg13

HERE HERE !!
It could be my story I had just read about !! every last word of it !!
Feel like my life been on hold or should I say stopped since ttc !!
I also feel like a changed person and not for the best I must say


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## geegg13

My OH flipped at me Last week when I was having one of them days on me because I did say " there is a life outside of the IVF " 
All he wants out of life is to be a father but the odds are soo much against us that the chances success are very low with chromo issue !! I  feel I have stopped my life completely but his carries on his successful business continues to grow whilst I am losing my own career!! 
I try not to point blame but hard not too sometimes.....
Hope that kinda makes sense !!


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## Mrs_Roo

Thank you for all your replies! It’s good to know I’m not alone with these feelings. 

geegg13 -  I said the same to a close friend the other day about feeling like my personality is changing! Although she tried to be kind, I don’t think she really got it (she’s got 3 children) 
Kappa  - I totally agree with the lies and excuses being exhausting! Even when I am honest with people and try to explain, I find myself sugar coating it or playing it down because it’s just too hard to explain properly without having a complete melt down. 

It’s so true that unless you’ve been through it you don’t understand!


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## Bahhumbug

Hello

Totally agree. I am turning into a bitter and twisted old witch. I avoid seeing friends and socialising due to jealousy and rage.  What makes me saddest is that weve stopped going to Church as its Just too painful and last time i had a bit of a meltdown. They havent let us down and do keep in touch, but i can't set foot in there.

I hate being such a temperamental wife, friend and employee.

I hears ya!
Xx


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## cookson17

I am in the same boat as all you lovely ladies.

We have been TTC since 2011 and I feel like I have lost so much in the process. we don't do anything because of TTC. I don't drink anymore, I feel like we can't plan ahead just in case. Am bitter my husbands life appears to have carried on regardless yet mine has stalled.

Just done the first round of IVF and it failed....we have one frostie to try. Feel like time is slipping away from us. 

It is rubbish!!


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## kappa

I know Mrs Roo we were supposed to be away this weekend and everyone's gonna be wondering why we didn't go. And when I go to MILs for dinner tomorrow she's going to be offering me wine. Even the couple of close friends that I have told we are having IVF can't sympathise or understand what we're going through because they've all got children of their own, somebody which were even 'accidents' concieved on birth control!   Would really make ya mad if you let it x


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## Becia

Hi Mrs Roo and everyone

I could have written it myself! every single word! I am sooo fed up with putting my life on hold, for the last five years I've been miserable, depressed, angry and bitter - I can't recognise myself! I feel like I have wasted all this time and am nowhere near having a baby. I am so angry that I have decided enough is enough, I don't want to waste my life and be constantly miserable, life is passing by and is too precious to go through it feeling like this. It's easier said than done though...

I'm also fed up with constantly obsessing about colleagues at work/friends being pregnant (to the point when I actually know when somebody is pregnant before even they know it!), I just wish I could somehow free myself from all this...


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## Bahhumbug

I Just read by chance somewhere else that lubricant can kill sperm and affevt mobility. I feel so si stupid for not having known this and now feel like even more of a failure.
We have had to use lube as most of the fun and joy has gone from our sex life.  Feeling like a failure now. Why have none of the dozens of doctors told us this?

Sorry to be such a downer x x


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## kappa

I find even with diet and things they don't tell you an awful lot. When we were doing OI the timed intercourse didnt really float my boat so hubby bought some sort of sperm friendly lube on amazon. You could look that up?xx


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## Bahhumbug

Thank you, i did read about that and will look into getting it. Just feel like a fool and it adds to the frustration and lack of control x


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## kappa

Not a fool at all don't be hard on yourself. I'm a nurse and I had never heard of it before this. This is such a hard journey. Be kind to yourself it's a long road


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## Bahhumbug

Thanks for being so kind x


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## katkat2014

Exactly my story! Plus I also now started to feel the pressure of time, I am scared of turning 39 next month as it means I am close to 40 soon. 
Just a minute ago I looked at the calendar trying to work out the next couple! Of IVF treatments. .. while looking at dates before, in between and after, when we could try for a miracle natural pregnancy...and my partner is at a concert and I feel annoyed, sad and let down that he is out drinking! 
AND my job demands me travelling longhaul 4 times a year and I started hating it as it means missing 4 precious months of ttc! I am so upset about my next trip in May. It will be to Kruger Nat. Park which I would have loved in the past. But now all it means that I have to make the difficult decision of either taking malaria tablets and then no ttc for 2 months, or not taking them, risk malaria, and have another earlier IVF date just when I turn 39.
Where is my happy life gone? I used to love life so much! Well, am still kind of liking it. But only if it there's a baby at the end of the tunnel  
Sorry for the rant!


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## magicpillow

Wow that could have been me writing that - exactly the same issues! I also feel like my personality has changed and just feel angry and bitter at the world. I don't feel like I've got my fun side anymore.


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## geegg13

good morning folks its kinda nice to see that I'm not the only insane person to feel like I do !!!
Life is sooo fricking cruel !!
It really has changed my whole beliefs and then leaves me devastated without any direction !!!


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## magicpillow

Geegg, I feel like that too. I feel like my direction in life has gone. People who haven't been through it don't understand. They just think 'well if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, you can just enjoy holidays and lay ins'!!


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## Bahhumbug

It's such an elephant in the room with us it'd be funny if it wasnt so tragic! X


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## katkat2014

Magicpillow,  just seen in your signature that you're looking to do natural/mild IVF. Could you let me know which clinic you decide on once you do please?
Easter is difficult playing happy aunt to my 4 nieces and nephews aged 1- 3 years old, while to be totally honest, I feel jealous
On the other hand I did enjoy a lay in today hah!


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## Redgirl

This could be me too!  Especially not taking work related opportunities which I am sure has hindered my career.  For us we have been trying for a long time (10 years).  Looking back I wish I had just gone for the job opportunities and booked the holidays and then if a pregnancy happened we would have just had to deal with it.  Easier said than done, but in hindsight we really put our lives on hold.  Infertility does suck the joy out of life and my only advice would be to maybe do some of the things you really want to do and try and bring some enjoyment back into life.
xx


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## GuthrieC

Having spent my full Easter weekend reading books about fertility, avoiding my good friend's new baby, and staring at this computer I am so glad to read all your messages. I have been feeling like such a monster. I have become negative and bitter and angry. I will not waste the next few years that I am prepared to spend TTC. I will grab the good bits that life offers because we know it hands out the crap often enough without us making our own. I am going to go see that baby and support my friend who squeezed almost 10lbs out (even if she had the easiest route to motherhood in the world   . She'll do the same for me when my time comes.  

I hope you all get a bit of sunshine. I might be back tomorrow in tears.


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## Redgirl

I think that is a really good attitude Guthrie.  When I visited friends with babies I was very apprehensive at first, but once holding the baby it was wonderful!  Hope you have a good time with your friend.
x


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## geegg13

I am not strong enough to around babies !! I really struggle with my own emotions and start to hate my OH for not helping his self !! I know that sounds terribly selfish !!!!!!!
Life with OH hard with not much chance of every having our own child even with a perfect IVF cycle its his sperm which lets us down and he wont change his life !!!!!!!


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## magicpillow

KatKat2014; yes I'll let you know which clinic we go to.  At the moment it's between Create in Wimbledon and The Bridge Centre in London.  
Was hard yesterday as we went round to a friends for takeaway and they have a 10 month old.  They know our issues and are sympathetic but it was still tough and I don't think people can really understand unless they have been through infertility.  I still heard all about the mum stuff and the plans for no.s 2 and 3!


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## Banjo55

Can totally relate.  

Isn't it ironic that here we are being mega cautious over everything, trying to treat our bodies like some holy baby making temple avoiding drink, the wrong food, not taking certain medications especially in the 2ww just in case, while other women can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat - or rather knickers - drinking and smoking the whole time?

No wonder some people think they're being helpful by saying "just relax".  Grrr!


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## geegg13

Totally agree banjo seen it soo many times !!
TBH I simply can't be bothered with them !! I recently had a girl at work who got pregnant on the pill and then all she did was moan about how bad her life was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really struggled even being in the same room as her !


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## Musicwife

Yes! This is exactly how I'm feeling. It got to a point recently when I'd given up caffiene, alcohol, chocolate and during 2ww, I wouldn't even go into the jacuzzi at the gym in case I was pregnant. My DH is amazing though and after the latest failed round of clomid (which makes me feel awful) he sat me down and told me that when we become parents, we need stories to tell our children and friends to share the good times with. It made sense and I decided to start living again, not stupidly, but if I fancy a glass of wine, I'll have one! And thank goodness chocolate is back in my life! I also got a new job and suddenly things have started to happen - we have our funding through for IVF and we've discussed a plan for if it doesn't work. It's still hard when people have their babies seemingly so easily, but they are people I care about and I wouldnt wish IF on my worst enemy - being around ickle ones is good practice for when our little one decides it's time. 

I'm having a down day today, I have the flu and I'm about to start round 7 of clomid (so we don't waste any time until ivf starts according to doc!) so writing this as a kind of therapy and to say thank you to you lovely lot for making me feel less alone.
  Xxx


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## Ames xxx

Hi ladies. 

I can totally relate to everything being said.

I also feel like people cannot do right for doing wrong. 

When I told very close family members I specifically said that I did not want to be treat any different as it makes it worse however when they mention babies, pregnancies and kids I think to myself.....how insensitive...they know what I am going through lol. So to be honest if they say things I think why tell me.......if they didn't I would say don't treat me like leper. They Carnt win  xxx


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## Sapphire952

I agree with you all.  Since starting our TTC journey 2.5 yes ago and since as found out we had problems 2 yrs ago.. Everything has been an uphill struggle.  I feel all the fun has gone out my life and I'm living it through some sort of veil.  I'm so resentful that it has taken over my life and I spend so much time thinking/planning around the what ifs! I'm also becoming bitter and purposefully try and avoid other people with children or who are pregnant.  It just hurts too much.


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## magicpillow

I can completely empathise ladies as I feel exactly the same.  We've been trying nearly 2.5 years and in the first year I was careful not to have caffeine, alcohol and keep my diet healthy.  After about a year and when we got crappy test results back, it all went to pot and now I'm trying to be healthy again in the lead up to IVF.  My new work colleagues keep asking me out on the lash but I'm trying to cover up why I'm not really up for drinking at the mo.  Luckily I've never been a big drinker anyway but still.....
I've been going through a bitter stage too recently and avoiding anything to do with babies.  Someone said to me that I can't hide from other people's pregnancies.  Well thanks!  It's definitely a tough road and this forum is amazing as people really understand what you're going through.  Other people can try to be understanding but they don't really get it.  They just think you can enjoy holidays and lay ins and it's fine!


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## Bahhumbug

Morning all

As much as very its nice waking up with a completely clear head and some energy for the day, not drinking AND navigating all the 'do you have children?' questions from strangers at a wedding yesterday wasn't much fun!

I'm sure i was a really dull and moody guest although i tried to be upbeat!


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## Mrs_Roo

Wow so many people feeling the same, it's good that I'm not alone but it makes me feel so sad that so many of us have to go through this curse! 

Was just wondering, has anybody here ever been to a fertility support group? I'm torn on whether it would be a good emotional outlet/form of support and knowledge or whether I would  feel too vulnerable and awkward.


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## geegg13

Agree Mrs roo it does help to know your not alone in this hell xxx
I think it would depended on who runs the group we not got one around where I live !!
I am thinking of re training as a councillor did stage 1 a few years ago but suffered a bereavement and could not cope with stage 2 at that time !!!!


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## GuthrieC

It certainly makes me feel like all of the feelings that I have are actually just a normal part of this process now. It's nice to feel kind of normal. Like, normal among the not that normal (bit of light humour - please don't take offence). I've never done one but I think a support group might help - even if it just meant that you could form friendships and go for cups of tea with people who aren't going to upset you sometimes. 
Musicwife I hope you're feeling better. I think your husband sounds like a smart guy and, yes, you're right. I'm not saying we should deny our feelings but if we loose our friends who'll babysit for us? As hard as it is, and it really is, let's not isolate ourselves. I am the first one to avoid the stupid girl at work that says it's easier to get pregnant than it is to get a dog. She's an idiot, but my friend who wants to share her happiness with me and tries her best not to hurt me (unsuccessfully often) will, as hard as it is, keep getting second chances because she really doesn't mean it. Do you think that if I keep saying positive things it will become more of a natural reaction? My book says so... I really wish the best for all of you. All of this pain. To think that a couple of years ago I didn't know that this world existed.


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## kappa

I think it would be a great idea to be able to meet people going through the same thing. Nobody else has a clue. 

GuthrieC I know what you mean when I think back to before we were married and I was popping the pill religiously every day in order not to get pregnant I never knew I had all this ahead of me. Was just thinking today about how happy we were before that and hoping some day will be again  xxxx


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## Mrs_Roo

Definitely, I remember a few years back, while away in Venice I forgot to take one of my pills-I had such a panic and stressed my self out for the rest of our holiday because 'it wasn't quite the right time for a pregnancy'. How utterly naive of me to think that could have happened. Oh how I wish it was that easy! 

GuthrieC I think you're right about trying to keep positive and not isolating ourselves sometimes though it's too just hard


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## GuthrieC

I know Mrs Roo. I'm looking at how unfair your journey has been so far from your signature. Sometimes it is just too hard.


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