# I think this is the end for me:'(



## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

I don't know where to start, I am at the lowest point of my life right now 
Just had a stopped cycle for the third time. This time i responded to stimming. But the problem now is my left ovary which is the one that has 8 eggs in it, and its not accessible for egg collection because it is under my uterus and the doctor said, it is risky for me to get the eggs as infection and bleeding can occur. I don't know where to go from here. IVF is not even an option, my right ovary just produced 4 eggs, (11m,10, and 2egg below 10mm) doctors said she is not optimistic that those follicles has eggs in it so she cancelled it. It is so depressing because the only thing that can resolve this issue is having an open surgery, as laparoscopy is not an option for me anymore. But seems like the doctor dont want to do it. As they said it can incur risk in my health(damaging my bowel, damaging my ovary) So what do i do?!!!! I have hydros, endometriosis, frozen pelvis, and left ovary not accessible. I am just 29 years old. I feel like this is it for me, but it ls so hard to accept. I dont think ill be able to accept this even if im 60 years old. How can i live normally again?! Is it even real? Am i just dreaming? No one will understand what im feeling at the moment. Feels like i was diagnosed of cancer. Please God help me! Give me strength to get through this and give me the courage to accept the things that will not happen for me. Just want to share what i am feeling right now coz this is just too much for me to handle. I need to accept that i wont have a child anymore


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## Lizzie070 (Aug 17, 2013)

Pixie, I feel for you, didn't want to read and run. Not sure I have much to help, have you talked through all the options/ had a follow up? As there must be other option than full ivf.

Sending you


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Have a follow up review after 6 weeks. But all they want is go through another cycle of ivf again to make my right ovary produce more eggs. But i doubt it already, my right ovary has been damaged years ago bec of surgery. So i dont think having another cycle will help. All i need is surgery to fix this then ivf. But my doctors are afraid to go to that subject. I dunno why there so afraid of doing it, what is more risky? Me, putting my health at risk(which we know will heal in the future), or having no kid at all? Thanks anyway Lizzie! Sorry bout that.


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi pixie, I read your post through teary eyes. I am so sorry for your situation. I carnt imagine how you must feel.

I wish I could suggest something or say something that may help but I carnt. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I hope this is not the end for you xxx


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Thanks for the kind words gallegirl and ames.

I wish I can fast forward the time and I am where your at already Gallegirl. It is more hearthbreaking whenver I look at my husband. Because of me, he wont be able to have a child too. I feel like I ruined his life and dragged him to this situation. He has always been my rock and he is the most optimistic one. First time i saw him crying infront of the doctor when we heard that this cycle is going to be stop. 
I wish I can do that natural IVF gallegirl, but im aftaid it wont work too, as i have hydros, can affect with the implantation. 

Just need to accept this. It's just hard right now. And i am dying inside. All I know Is we did everything we can to have a baby. And if I get to go in the future and think back. I know we did our best to have him/her. I guess, theres always something missing in our lives. It just happened that this is what missing in ours. A child.


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
So sorry for the situation you're in. I know it is heartbreaking. 

For me , I got the family I was meant to have through the help of an egg donor. I have 4 year old twins , and am currently 34w pregnant with number 3.

while it is not something anyone sets out thinking they will do, when the choice is that or livkng without children, for me it was a no brainer. 

Maybe not what you want to hear, but something to consider

It is also worth asking for a second opinion. 

Good luck with the future

x x


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hi mierran,

  Thanks! I know DE is something that I can consider. But before doing that I need to sort out my hydros too. Which involves open surgery. As laparoscopy is not an option for me. I feel like trapped with everything that I can do. Everything is pointing out to surgery which i cant do as per the doctor here in HARI clinic in ireland. But doctors in greece are willing to do it. I am just scared to what complications it might have for me if i lve done open surgery in greece. And oh, you're right about the second opinion. Just dont want to get my hopes up again as i feel like something close to me just died right now. That's how devastated I am right now.


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
whereas yes, in an ideal world you want to sort the hydrosalphynx first, it is not your only option. 

Success rates are reduced by 50% with a hydro. This means if you do a de eset of one blast your chances reduce from 50% to 25%. With 2 embryos they reduce from 72% to 36%.

A lot of women get pregnant despite hydros on one side. 

I would be looking at trying a couple of transfers and take from there. If they don't work then look at risky surgery. But I wouldn't go for it without at least trying a couple of transfers first. 

X x


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

I believe there are a few women on the boards who have gotten the Essure implants to seal off hydros. That might be something worth looking into, as the Essure devices are inserted into the Fallopian tubes via the uterus -- no surgery required.

Sending you big hugs.    I don't think you've reached the end of your fertility journey yet.


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## Gabrysia (Mar 27, 2014)

Dear pixie so sorry to read your story! I can't guess how difficult it must be to face harsh reality but I'm sure in time you will pick up yourself, don't rush it, be kind to yourself.When I was told that my chance of having oe baby are next to none my world collapsed  I kept saying to my hubby that I need to be selfish for a while and think of myself first. Few months after my pof diagnosis I feel I'm getting to the old myself but I did have lots of help from family, friends, I still have counselling sessions and started acupuncture to help me to relax. I'm getting there. I made choice of de because I'll carry my child and he/she will have my hubbies genes. I know it's not for everyone and I respect that but I'm grateful that medicine gives me this possibility. When we're getting readi for ivf last December I was soooo scared it won't work, things didn't go to plan and we didn't have a transfer but on my last counselling session I said Sth which now became my mantra "one way or the other I will be mum one day". One way or the other you will be mum too, in the meantime take care of yourself. Will keep you in my thoughts ,wishing you all the strength you need.


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hi again mierran,
  You're right about still having a chance of getting prego with hydros. I know it is decrease. But still theres hope in there. Thanks! 

Hi Gailgegirl,
  Oh wow! Really that is something i want to consider if you find him good in that field. Want  to give it a shot. You are right about the bowel perforation and scarring thats why Hari dont want to risk their name if ever something went wrong  i suppose. Do you mind sending me the details? Thanks in advance! You got me all excited! 

You ladies are like angels. Thanks for helping me And giving me the possible options that I can do. I find my case dead end. This is the worst day of this year for me, but u made it better. Hope i can give each and everyone of u a hug.


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hi crazyhorse, 

  I've inquired about essure before, but im afraid i have a nickel allergy which i know isnt great again. I feel trapped with the options that I can do. Probably what I need at the moment is not yet invented. Essure, laparoscopy, open surgery. Those are the things i need for me to get pregant. But theres always problem in each procedure that i can consider as my option thanks for suggesting it anyway, for taking the time to answer.

Gabrysia,

  Hi, thanks for taking the time to post. Thanks for the optimism that your giving me. I believe in that mantra. U just have to attract positivity and it will happen. Maybe in time Ill get there. Dont know when. But i wish i am there already. And i dont mind doing DE, me and hubby are open about it. I still know that part of that child is him which will be like a part of me. It's just sad because I just started my treatment oct 2014, got cancelled thrice. Havent even got to EC, i dont have a clue what it feels like. Maybe just need to think that i just got to a wrong clinic. And theres someone out there who can help me with my situation. Thanks for making my night better. I wont cry to sleep anymore


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi pixie, just wanted to say have you asked about having your tubes sealed?

I had a lap a few years ago but they only managed to get to one tube. They said the other was stuck to my bowel and open surgery would be the only option and even then they were not sure they could do it. 

I went into hospital in October expecting open surgery and they managed to do it by laporoscopy and they cortarised the tube. So I now have one tube clipped and the other sealed. Hoping it has done the trick for me as first fet happening in next few weeks ( hopefully).


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

......just read your profile and looks like we have had simular problems!


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## pixie1230 (Aug 30, 2014)

Alotbsl said:


> Hi pixie, just wanted to say have you asked about having your tubes sealed?
> 
> I had a lap a few years ago but they only managed to get to one tube. They said the other was stuck to my bowel and open surgery would be the only option and even then they were not sure they could do it.
> 
> I went into hospital in October expecting open surgery and they managed to do it by laporoscopy and they cortarised the tube. So I now have one tube clipped and the other sealed. Hoping it has done the trick for me as first fet happening in next few weeks ( hopefully).


Will ask for that once i get to a different doctor. Didnt know it exist. Maybe need to do an MRI scan for them to see further. Will definitely have a second opinion. I hope someone out there is willing to fix my complicated case. Thanks alotsbl! I hops it goes well with u on FET! After all you've been through u deserve to get that baby already


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