# Attending a baby shower whilst undergoing ivf?!



## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi all

Have got my first ivf appointment with the consultant to plan the ivf treatment. It should hopefully start very soon. Feeling excited but also very anxious and swinging from it will work to it will never work. Trying to stay positive but is such hard work especially when everyone around me is pregnant or has kids. I am also working myself up about going to my sister in laws baby shower soon which may coincide with treatment. The idea of sitting around getting excited for someone else again makes me want to cry! I dont want to go but it would look bad and i dont think the family would be too impressed if i dont. what can i do to make it bearable?  i also had to stand and look at her new baby nursery the other day which was gorgeous and perfect and it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I'm having one of those days when I feel terribly jealous and frustrated that we have to go through so much to even stand a chance of getting pregnant when other people seem to have it so easy. 

Maybe things are just feeling more difficult waiting for things to start and I'm sure tommorow will be a better day but just want to feel like I'm not the only one who is feeling like this at the moment 

Wishing you all good things xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

If you feel your family wouldn't understand if you made your excuses beforehand, is there any way you can feign illness on the day and go along but only stay for a short while? Maybe go early before things really get going then leave early?  

 I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to go and don't think you should have to.


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi

I haven't been to a baby shower in years. I am always just totally honest with them and say its too painful as I'm going through ivf and just cannot handle it. Most people are absolutely fine and totally understand when you are upfront and if they don't... Well that's their problem ! I think you have to put yourself first. This is all hard enough as it is without having to put yourself through torture

Good luck!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I completely agree with the other ladies.  They don't need you there as much as you need to not put yourself through it. During my first ICSI my DH was asked to be godfather for his friends child.  I said I couldn't cope with it.  DH sulked and said it wasn't a random christening he was GF and I wasn't being supportive etc anyway basically guilted / forced me to go. I smiled and did the day but sobbed myself to sleep for days after and barely got out of bed for a week.  DH apologised and said he had been really selfish and I should never attend an event I felt unable to cope with.  

That's how I did it from then on.  If I felt I would cope I would go if not I didn't.  SIL is happy you are not you owe her nothing.  X x


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## jols (Mar 5, 2013)

Hi Lucy2831,  I had the exact same thing while stimming, my cousin had a baby shower which I had to go to cos it was a family event (although my mum said that she would make excuses for me if I felt on the day that I couldn't cope - stating food poisoning or coming down with something that you don't want to pass to a pregnant woman).  Anyway I felt fine on the day and went, felt pretty good about it  and happy for my cousin - but unfortunately what no-one thought to warn me about was the 5 other clearly visible baby bumps and a newborn at the event.  Add in the lack of alcohol due to stimming and driving, I then felt pretty low so I made up that I had a stimming headache (all my family knew that I was on the injections) and left after the first activity, we had been there about 90mins by that point and my cousin was just starting to open her presents. This was also the time that my SIL left as she had to get her LO to bed.

So maybe you could you enquire about the other guests, cos I'm sure if someone had warned me I would have been fine rather that deeply depressed because tx may or may not have worked a few weeks later.  It's just something that people without IF problems don't think about.


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## MrsPG (Apr 7, 2012)

Louisej29 said:


> Hi
> 
> I haven't been to a baby shower in years. I am always just totally honest with them and say its too painful as I'm going through ivf and just cannot handle it. Most people are absolutely fine and totally understand when you are upfront and if they don't... Well that's their problem ! I think you have to put yourself first. This is all hard enough as it is without having to put yourself through torture
> 
> Good luck!!!


I agree with this. If someone is insensitive enough to not understand that it's hard for you then you really don't need them in your life.

X


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

I have been invited to two baby showers this year and have feigned excuses. In an ideal world, I would have liked my friends to have acknowledged that it was painful for me but I guess unless you have been thru IF, you just don't get it - 
Anyways, push came to shove- I chose self protection and I think that for me, this was the best option. It is too easy for outsiders to frame this as bitterness or as jealously, when the truth is it is SO painful  to stand on the sidelines watching everyone else play in a game you fully expected to part of. 
I suppose my only caveat is, try not to isolate yourself too much- I am going to meet with my friends when all the dust has settled.
Kate x


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## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Thank you ladies. I think I will see how it goes and if I don't feel up to going I will make my excuses and look after myself. I think too much time is spent worrying about others feelings. Time for bed need some sleep for the first ivf appointment. Time to get excited and focus on us and our future  

Xxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

but you have a plan! it could be you next year, having the baby shower! keep hope!


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

I admit I couldn't do it. I feigned excuses every time I got invited to it. I could "do" babies and even pregnant women from a distance but up close and in my face? Er, no! 

I used to say I was going, act all enthusiastic and then come down with a cold, or headache or something. I've used similar excuses to get out of merry making at other social events when I simply have not been up to it. On one occasion - to avoid a difficult significant date being over managed by well meaning family - I simply packed up and went away for a week without telling a soul. People, on the whole, understood, but you do get the do-gooders who think it will do you some good to join in. 

Good you have a plan. Those that mind don't matter and those that matter won't mind.  

C~x


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

My advice is a bit different:

I was in a similar position a couple of months back, had decided not to go to a family reunion where my pregnant sister in law was attending. My bother in law, who I'm not that close to and who knows about our situation, insisted that I go. So I did, for my husband and his family, although I really REALLY didn't want to, and I didn't trust myself not to start crying in front of everybody.
I survived, didn't cry, and I felt the love of the family, who is very supportive. I have accepted my sis in law's pregnancy, and even found room in my heart to be happy for her and excited at the arrival of my niece/nephew. I haven't cried about IF since then.

These things are unavoidable, especially when pregnancies occur within a family, so the quicker we accept it, the better it is for our own sake. Easier said than done, I know...

Another way to cope is telling yourself that you're giving yourself a good shot of having a baby with IVF. You too will hopefully have a baby shower in the future. Tell yourself that you're a better woman than those who get pregnant quickly without realizing their luck. We are stronger than them, we're survivors. And we'll probably be better mothers for it.

Wishing you all lots of luck


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

In all honesty, regardless of infertility problems, I hate these damn things! 

Totally American cheese and I made it clear to all my family not to do one for me.  Until the baby is here, we are never out the water.  So the thought of everyone spending money and the worst happening, feels me with dread.  That's just the negative in me.

I would just refuse to go on the basis, I don't believe in them and they are not for me.

Good luck on your journey.

X


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## Carly82 (Jan 3, 2013)

Im having the same sort of problem. Ive been invited to one next month...a week after what would of been my due date   Im dreading it but dont feel like i can say no incase people think im being selfish and jealous x


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## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Thanks for your advice ladies. I have decided I will go as I'm feeling a bit more positive and stronger about things. I think I'm accepting that this is our journey, and it may not be the same as everyone else's but it makes it more special. I also accept that there will be days when I don't feel like this bit will try to remind myself. I may actually enjoy the shower, and my sis in law is lovely and she should be spoilt. Hopefully they will be coming to mine at some point!!! 

Hope you are all doing well


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## Guest (Sep 27, 2013)

Hi Lucy
I think you really know what is best for you, I am going to a shower on the weekend - this is something I thought I would never do! So many people have got pregnant since i started ttc 3 years, and it used to make me feel so sad and depressed! i also turned into quite bitter and cold person, i realised that I needed to snap out it and concentrate  on my mental and physical well being. I hope we all have the chance to experience the happiness of BFP soon xx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

I have been to a few baby showers whilst TTC and am actually helping with arrangements for another one in December; these are very close friends of mine and i made the decision that i dont want to miss out on their joy, especially if worst case scenerio i never get to have children, then i never got to experience these moments at all.

regarding the one in december that im helping with, the friend who is organising it at all has already given me a 'get out of the baby shower free-pass' lol. she was straight up and just said "if you feel you cant do it just let me know and ill make the excuse for you - no one will mind" - times like that i feel very blessed to have such good friends.

Also i would worry that if i kept making excuses not to go to babyshowers or even get- togethers (we/our friends have them alot) then eventually we will loose the closeness that we once had and even maybe the friendship - no ones faults just one of those things and then if i do get pregnant they wont be there for me.

as other ladies have said it is an individual decsion that you have to make for yourself.

*Carly82* - if i was in you situation i think i would make my excuses - i think sitting there knowing that you should be pregnant and ready to pop would be much too hard for me and im on the side of the fence that says go to baby showers!
saying that it also depends on the style of the babyshower and whos going to be there - you might like to be with your friends. 
but i seriously think on this occasion you cant think about others, you need to think of yourself.


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