# Post-approval blues



## Guest (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi lovely ladies,

Just wanted to off-load, so apologies in advance for sounding negative ... After an assessment process of about a couple of years, quite a few difficult times en route (sometimes SWs making it awkward, sometime own/family hard times nobody's fault), we were finally approved exactly a month ago. I read on here people saying how the waiting is the hardest bit, so I guess I shouldn't complain? But have been really down last night and this morning about the whole thing.

I've told work about our adoption plans officially only after approval (my boss knew half way through HS but I didn't want to tell officially before approval to not tempt fate). It's not as if anybody was especially excited but they took it on board. Haven't told everyone at work as it's too early and I'm rather a private person. But now it feels likes _nothing _is happenning and I'm still the same old infertile 'failure' I've been for the last 12 years  Probably doesn't help that one of my colleagues gone on maternity leave yesterday and we had a little gathering for her, made my 'non expectant' status feel even more keenly (in my heart, didn't talk to anyone about it), and another is going in a few weeks time. I see their growing tummies and realise they _know _there will be a child in the end of it, but I have nothing to show for all the heartache and hoping and trying 

I sometimes look on CWW and show DH, but he says he did not 'fall in love' with any of the children featured. Fair enough, and I won't even enquire because want him to feel comfortable, but not sure I will ever (or him) 'fall in love' with a child's profile, it's not real ... I mean, would I have fallen in love with a photo of DH? Don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I do think he's a very attractive chap, but I fall in love with the _person_, not just what they look like.

In the meantime, no news from SWer, I don't want to pester her as I guess she'll say if she has any news. So I'm just worried it's never happen ... There will never be any children for me, and such a prospect looks so bleak at the moment. I do count my blessings, and know I'm so much more fortunate than others, but still feel like moaning and I know you'll understand. Thanks for listening. And wishing every one of you all the best, wherever you are at the moment on your journey.

Rivka x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Rivka

The post approval period is very hard especially when you don't hear anything for a while from your SW.  Don't be afraid to drop her/him an email just to keep in touch.  Things do happen in the background but not knowing about them can feel like you have been forgotten, on the flip side knowing about them can make the time drag.  Nothing is going to make the waiting easier, with Christmas coming up things are more emotional as well, so the best thing to do is keep busy, spend time together doing things you won't be able to do when you do have your littlies placed, go out for meals, the cinema, a holiday, decorate - make a list of jobs you need to get done, de-clutter.......the list is endless.

Are you with a LA or VA?  If you are with a VA then CWW and BMP are going to be the main places to look for your future children and the profiles are only a very minimal snapshot of info.  Don't be afraid to enquire about the children and find out more, it is the only way you will find the right child.  Being perfectly honest I think your DHs view of 'falling in love' with a child is very unrealistic, even after placement it can take many many months to fall in love with them, you have to first get through the shock of having a child/ren in your home and lives 24/7 and it is a big shock that nothing can prepare you for.
If you are with an LA they would want you to wait for 3 months before enquiring about a child from CWW etc unless they have said otherwise.

We were approved in May for #2 and had been told about a link in the March which fell through in Sept and now we are back to waiting.  Even with a child already it is very hard, DS keeps asking when he will get a sibling which adds to the frustration.

Stay positive, it will happen.  Contact your SW and ask if anything is happening, you have nothing to lose and its good to stay in touch.

OT x


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi Old Timer,

Thanks so much for your reply. Sorry to hear about your link falling through   it must be so hard to be disappointed after you have been given hope. 

We are with a LA, but they are happy for us to enquire in CWW because we have an 'unusual' profile so SWer wants to widen the search (she's also applying to the national register). I'll check about BMP as we're not on it.

What you say is very helpful. I think you are right that it's the Christmas feeling looming that makes it even more emotional, all the preparations around and the thoughts about the year that had passed...

About DH's assumptions, I think I'm much to blame   because I told him about people on AUK message board saying they enquire when they 'fall in love'. I also thought it was a bit unreal, how can you fall in love iwth a little person you never saw?? But I guess poor DH just took it from me! I'll have  chat with him tonight (I'm sneaking in at work ...) and tell you what you said, and that you know because you are an experienced mum (I read some of your other postings and they are always helpful). 

'Talking' to you made me feel a bit better, thanks!

Hope your (and our!) wait will end very soon,

Rivka xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

wanted to say many congrats on being approved   

the waiting is rubbish!!! when i think back to how long we were waiting etc it doesnt seem long (easy for me to say now as we have our daughters) but at the time it was seriously horrendous!! try and keep busy, plan things - fun things/boring thiings which will need to be done when ur family is found (eg clearing out space/cupboards etc). once it happens, it happens!! and its usually very quick so you wont have time to catch ur breathe.  be kind to urself, its esp hard when there are alot of pregnant tummys about and you can't say anything as you have nothing to report but remember - your day will come when u can tell everyone ur going to be a mummy    

lots of love camly xxxxx


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks Camly   been following some of your posts so wanted to say how lovely that you have your daughters with you! Fingers crossed, it does feel as if it'll never happen, but I'll try to keep the positive outlook. Rivka x


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## Tarango (Nov 3, 2006)

hello,      for feeling low

I too agree the post approval part of this process is the worst bit! It is a new kind of limboland. I had some really bad days during the 'wait' when I thought it would never happen but it has and have now got the most gorgeous little boy upstairs having a nap. Everybody says the time before your little one comes home becomes a distant memory when you have them home and it is true BUT whilst you are in the limboland of waiting it is really, really hard.    to you. I also think that the month or so after approval is the worst bit (sorry I am not making it better) as you have had the joy of being approved but now that has worn off you are adjusting to being in the 'wait' - it does get better as you get used to it. 

Is your LA in a consortium? Could your profile be circulated around the consortium or other neighbouring LAs?

As to contacting your SWer, I used to have regular email 'chats' with ours.. after panel she sort of said minimum monthly contact with her and us (which I took to be fortnightly some months!!    ) 
I just used to drop her a line to ask 'any news yet'? and left it up to her to reply or not - thankfully she replied to most of them (even if it was 'no news'   )
Has your SWer given any indication of the children they have in the system or coming through the system? If not you could drop him/her a line to ask?

As Camly says, it is not great having other work colleagues (and friends etc) go on maternity leave when we are stuck in limboland not knowing when 'the call' will come. It used to wind me up at work when people who know NOTHING about adoption and the process etc used to tell me the the 'wait' was just like being pregnant.... really     


I would also echo my chum Camly about having a good clearout at home in readiness ... we decided to start clearing out in the autumn last year and it took ages    - I would def go for the 'thinning out' of stuff you have been meaning to get rid of/ sort out for ages!

I hope you get some news soon, but don't be afraid to keep contacting your SWer for updates.

love
T
xxx


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks Tarango   I remember reading your diary and it's great to know you've come out 'on the other side' with your lovely son! 
We are in a consortium so supposed to have our details circulating. 
People not having a clue .. that's true! They either say 'any news yet?' which is sweet of them to care but I have to keep saying 'nothing yet', or my boss said 'don't hold up your hopes, I've heard of people who waited 2 years' - thanks, that really makes me feel better - NO   


As you lovely ladies all suggested I took the plunge and e-mailed SWer. She replied straight away, bless her, saying that there are no news -   , but also saying she was expecting us to send her back some adoption register form, which we never got from her?? I think maybe it's the form we got with the approval letter, but it never said where to send it to, so we just kept it. E-mailed her back to ask what was meant excatly but got an auto-reply she'll be back at the office on Monday! Duh! 
At least now there's something to do tonight - go home, look for the mysterious form ... and start thinking about that all-important clear-out! Done some in the summer, but sure there is more that can be done   

Rivka x


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi hun 

firstly sending you a big hug as I know hard it feels 

I found the first month really hard and it is almost like post even blues! You go through panel, you are so excited then BAM nothing.....

I also struggled with me hubby "not getting" the photos of children on BMP or CWW

I think men are far more visually connected to things and I didnt understand that....DH would say "that one" and then we would get the CPR and find out that the risks were more than we felt we could deal with....others the risks would be as we felt able to cope but hubby would say"dont know why but no" AHHHHHHH 

I proved a point about photos by showing a lo who had been in BMP for a while and had his photos updated 3 times. You wouldnt know it was the same child!!!! 

I found that hubby needed to meet with the childs sw to "feel" the child and couldnt connect by reading a cpr and only really fell for the pics of the children who looked like children we know! 

What I did was enquire over children in BMP or CWW where they matched our ethnicity/age/risks and when CPR's came through spoke to hubby about them WITHOUT the photo! 

Pics are lovely but I dont think you can "choose" from them alone xxxx


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2010)

Curvycat - first of all good luck with MP in December! Hope it all goes well.

Thanks for understanding   and for your advice about men/women perceptions. How interesting, I never thought about it but def DH is more visual than me (he's the one who taught me to appreciate art, for example). I'll think about your strategy when I have a chat with DH tonight as he won't mind, I know, me enquiring in this way as long as it doesn't comit us (which it doesn't) and it may be a way for me to feel more proactive, which I need to. Also reading CPRs will teach us more, and maybe, just maybe, would lead us to our child (fingers crossed). 

Rivka x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I so hear you.

We are adopting from overseas so this post-approval period has been a flurry of paperwork but we are now waiting for our forms to all arrive overseas, and then it will be waiting proper - not even any milestones to tick off.

We will also have the option of checking in with the agency overseas every so often to see if our profile has been looked at but apart from that again I just feel like the useless non-pregnant person.

I can't think of anyone at work that is even a possible for mat. leave but that doesn't mean it won't happen! As a friend of mine who was struggling TTC said, it seems like anyone even her 70 year old mother could announce a pregnancy. I'm a Brown Owl too so know lots of women of the right kind of age through that.

(and, looking at my ticker, how depressing - it's nearly 6 months since panel).


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## Guest (Oct 30, 2010)

Big ((hugs)) to all those waiting.

Bop


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## Guest (Oct 31, 2010)

Hugs from me too xx Hope all of us waiting will have our families soon, and thanks Bop for the hugs.


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