# How big a part do ex partners play in adoption assessment?



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi everyone. Myself and DH are currently deliberating between paying for more IVF or quitting and opting for adoption. We're trying to get our heads around how intrusive the assessment process would be but I'm reeling now the realisation has sunk in that our ex partners will be consulted. I may get away with my ex as I'm not sure where he is these days. But DH has a daughter with his ex. And I can't stand her! She's selfish, manipulative, irresponsible and, in my opinion, is a poor excuse for a mother!  I'm so angry to think that she gets to sit in judgement and have a say on my ability to parent. Does anybody have any experience of this, particularly if ex partner comments have had a negative impact on you adopting. Any ideas of questions they ask??xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I don't have first hand experience if this but it's a natural worry for a lot of folks who have adopted. SWs are very adept in understanding that Exs are Xs for a reason.

Each agency is different but it is likely they would send a questionnaire/interview your Exs & normally apply "reasonable efforts" to contact individuals.

Certainly with children being involved, then they would be asking likely Qs about parenting style, behaviours when pressurised, maybe how they would cope with typical teenage behaviours. Quite a few adopted children can be oppositional & push you away so it can be akin to some teenage behaviour but obviously in a much much younger child & who doesn't understand why they do this behaviour.

Your best bet us to bring this up when meeting with agencies& they will allay any fears you have. 

As said, many adopters have Exs whom they aren't best friends with but still adopt successfully. If you do a search on this board you will see many similar threads at different times.

Good luck
X


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for replying gertie. It's frustrating when you're desperate for advice but nobody responds so I really do appreciate it. I found out last night that my cousin and her DH were interviewed when his ex wanted to adopt. They were asked questions about how she was with children, did they have any concerns around her etc. etc. I work for Social Services and have had so many concerns for my SD over the years that I've even discussed them in my supervision. I felt I needed to report them as her mother refused to listen to our concerns yet didn't want it to look like we were just being malicious. It was agreed that my concerns wouldn't meet threshold for any intervention so we just had to log things, regularly do damage limitation with SD and pick up the pieces whenever her mother let her down and hurt her. At one stage this child didn't even have a mattress on her bed! I have over three sides of A4 paper of bullet points where her behaviour and care of her daughter has really concerned and angered me. Yet now SHE gets a say on how I would be as a parent. She wouldn't know good parenting if it slapped her in the face! She has acknowledged over the years how good I am with her daughter but she knows I dislike her (she tells SD who then questions me as to why!), she just has so little self awareness she doesn't know why I feel the way I do about her. Sometimes I pity her and try to put my feelings aside but invariably she then does something to hurt SD again. The child ended up having serious panic attacks, I think as a result of picking up on her mother's anxious behaviour which was amphetamine induced. She has had to come stay with us for weeks at a time as her mother isn't caring for her properly and has been close to moving in on so many occasions - until her mother has a 'break down' (her words) and emotionally blackmails her to stay. I'm insulted my the very thought of her contributing to an assessment on me and really do wonder what she would say. It's so frustrating and upsetting!xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,
These sound like exceptional circumstances, I'm sure any sw would take all this into account when speaking to DH ex.
Just wondering if there's a 'neutral' third party who could comment on DHs parenting?

Good luck x


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Your dh ex partner will be spoken to in order to vouch for his character and parenting ability. I'm sure you will be aware of the girl who was killed by her adoptive parents. If ss had spoken to the males ex partner she would have told them about his violent nature. Ss are not interested in he said she said or they did this or that. They are simply checking that a vulnerable child would be safe.

I'm not sure how old your sd is but depending on her age she will be spoken to as well. Again, depending on her age it will be a one to one session. Ss will again check that dh has never been violent towards her or her mum. They will also ask how she feels about a new sibling and her understanding. 

I do understand how you feel as I have been involved in child protection in a professional capacity but the checks have to be done.


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

I totally understand why they do the checks, absolutely. I work in child protection myself. A friend of my uncle's adopted years back but handed the child back because of the domestic abuse in her relationship. So I know  why it's done, I just still find it so ironic and insulting, his ex really isn't in a position to even comment on our parenting let alone criticise it. SD is 13 now, for years she has been very outspoken about not wanting me to have a baby as her mother has told her she won't get as much 'intention' (attention!) as she has now. We've worked hard to reassure her over the years so she's not as bad now, although still insists she only wants a brother. We'll have to see what happens but if there is any way I can avoid her mother being involved I'll be pushing for it.xx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Ss will make contact with her. She might not want to speak to them or as another poster has suggested, is there a 3rd party who can speak for your husband in regards to his parenting.

Should she refuse to speak to ss it won't prevent you from adopting.

Your sd will definitely be spoken to due to her age and they will ask for permission from both mum and dad.


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Oh she won't refuse to speak, of that I can be guaranteed. See what happens, thanks for your advice on third party.xx


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## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

Well in my experience you would be best going with IVF.

I had a psycho ex from hell, a relationship of less than six months. He beat hell out of me. No kids involved. Adoption agency refused us.

Stick with IVF is my tip social workers are insane


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Sorry you had such a bad experience and outcome lindoprincess. There are some excellent social workers about but, unfortunately, an equal number that put their profession to shame. I worked with women who experienced domestic abuse, you did brilliantly to get out so soon, I hope you're proud of yourself as it really takes some doing. Unfortunately a lot of social workers don't have enough training and awareness with domestic abuse so they either presume one violent relationship means that you'll always have violent partners (true for some people but also a huge generalisation) or they miss the signs and place a vulnerable child at risk as happened with my friend. Our IVF failed which is why we're considering our options. Hope you get some luck.xx


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