# Anyone with birth child adopting



## ElCo (May 25, 2013)

Hi there,
We are very much at the beginning of the adoption process. We've been to an open evening with our LAC and have he first of I think they said 3 initial visits in a fortnight. 

We have a DS through IVF who's just over 2,, and we had 2 failed cycles to have No2. I am so relieved that I don't have to go through treatment ever again, but I am so worried about the whole adoption process.  I am really not sure what they are looking for and how to show that we are good parents. My DH thinks that of course we will be accepted but it's not in my nature to feel what I consider prematurely confident. I feel they will be assessing our current parenting skills, and all these parenting decisions one makes which aren't great but work, will come unto scrutiny and be assessed by perfect SW standards. I feel that should we be rejected, our current parenting would be rejected, and that really frightens me.

So my question to those of you lovely ladies with more experience: Did you feel the birth child helped the process (we know we enjoy being parents rather than just thinking that we will, our life has been adapted for a child already, loving big brother, etc), or did you feel you were especially scrutinised? Did your child ever have a meltdown in front of SW, demand a sweet snack, etc? And what was assessment of LO when LO is too young to be asked his/ her views about it?

How did you put into words why you wanted another one? I know we do but it feels I need more than just ' we enjoy it so much we want to do it again' and 'I can't imagine having an only one, I want him to have a sibling to play, fight and laugh with' to explain why we want to go through this process.

I am a worrier and over analyser I know, but as you all know there is so much hanging on somebody's assessment, and little control for us over the process. 

Thanks for your help
ElCo


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## Beckyboo3 (Jan 18, 2011)

Hello

We are in the middle of our Home Study and we have a four year old son.

I think it has helped our process as we can talk about activities and groups that we have attended with our child and also we already have a support network in place in emergencies as I work part time etc.

Our son goes to school so hasn't been here for any of the meetings and I'm unsure but imagine the SW when talking with you might ask for your little one not to be there as its quite intense talking about yourself and you might not want any distractions ! 

As our son is a bit older we have started to talk to him about adoption and last week the SW came to meet him but it was all very informal ! Just general chatting but she is planning to come again to see him and have a little chat with him.  ( he went out in the kitchen and came back with biscuits !!!! We didn't make a big deal of it just reminded him to ask and it was nearly lunch time !!!!)

Our son was conceived naturally and then we had two lots of ICSI and I just said that adoption felt like the natural next step for us - as we had a lot of love still to give !! 

SW might ask about age of child you are looking for as your DS is only 2 and the age gap you are looking at ? 

Once you start the process it goes so quick - enjoy !

Beckyboo x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi ElCo

We have a 5 year old Birth daughter and our little boy who is adopted came home in Feb of this year.

Like BEckyBoo3 says it will be an invaluable benefit as you can clearly show your support network and experience with kids for obvious reasons which is where many people without have difficulty.  

On the practical side we were told we had to do 3 extra HS sessions with the SW to discuss the implications of adopting on your own child and how you may feel differently and what you would do if that came up.  

Our daughter who was 4 had to have sessions with the SW on her own and we werent allowed to listen, but basically they discussed what family was and what she wanted a boy or girl and what she understood about the term adopted etc.  She did lots of drawings and it was all fun and not formal.  My adorable daughter drew us as a family before adoption and then drew what she wanted after adoption and she drew us 3 , 100 babies living in a garden and unicorns to help them  And..... Daddy wearing a dress and make up.  Thankfully our SW had a sense of humour.

We also had to do a lot more writing and homework than a family without kids and our PAR was a lot more detailed with extra sections.

Our daughters nursery were contacted for references as were her doctors and our referees all had to write an extra 10 questions on what sort of parents we were.

There were more restrictions on the age and type of child we could be considered for.  Our DD had to be the oldest by a min of 2 years so this automatically made our pool of options significantly smaller but we didnt really mind as we wanted as young as possible but we were warned that this meant we would be in for a big wait (we got baby boy home 8 months after panel approval).  We also couldnt be considered for any child that was known to have been physically or sexually abused as they may act this out on our child.

We were also told that we would not be allowed to start until our daughter was almost 4 as they like the older children to be about 5 when the LO is placed but obviously every LA and VA have different rules on that.

Cant think of any other differences but feel free to PM me if you have any other questions

Good Luck
x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi ElCo, the only thing that they may question is the age gap between b/c and an adopted child.  For various reasons they normally like a newly placed child to be the youngest by quite a way, especially if the older child is a birth child.  Two years is normally the minimum, but they tend to prefer a larger gap.  However by the time you've applied, been assessed and approved and found a match, your l/o will probably be 3 at least so if you then looked for a match with a baby that should just about work out.  

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi Elco,

We have an 11 yr old BC, he was 9 when we applied.  Like others have said we did have a longer home study with BS being interviewed several time 121 with sw.  He totally enjoyed the experience, he had to draw a picture of the important people in his life.  The largest figures in his picture were our dogs and Guinea Pigs,  DH and I were stick figures at either side.  Thankfully our SW said this was a sign he is confident in our presence and support in his life  .  Hope this is close to the truth.  During home study we found that little things like the stability of establishing a reliable routine and ensuring BC had the love and support they need are seen as a strength,  SW pointed some of these things out in our PAR

Our biggest hurdle has been after approval and waiting for a match.  Some LA's will avoid families if there is a birth child, at exchange days we have experience of being told that the SW will not even consider families who have a birth child.  We have waited 10 months for a link.  As others have pointed out we have been ruled out of links with children with very difficult issues, ie, sexual abuse, serious neglect,  all because of the effect these problems could have on our BC.

From our experience adoption is a difficult and at time heart breaking route.  We didn't really appreciate how difficult it would be to have so many other people have control over our future.  Managing the expectations of our BC has also been difficult, in fact its been a roller coaster of you will probably be a big brother, just not sure when or who.  I'd advise those starting out on this journey to make sure you are sure you are all ready for this.  I honestly hope I'll be posting a message soon to say it is worth all of the heartache and jumping through hoops.  Right now, 2 yrs after our initial SW meeting, it feels like a very long and difficult road.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like any further information.

Jules. xxx


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## Bumpless (Feb 18, 2009)

Hello, hoping I can resurrect this thread. We have a DS of 2.5, born after doner egg IVF, and are considering going down the adoption road to complete our family. After I miscarried last year I contacted my LA about adoption and they basically told me that we would be unlikely to ever get to the top of the priority list as couples with no birth children would be prioritised over us. The woman I spoke to wasn't being horrible, I felt like she was trying to give me an honest picture. She pointed me in the direction of international adoption, but having looked at the costs this is out of our league. We've got a little bit of time as we can't start till DS is 3 in any case, and I'm hoping someone can give me a some understanding of whether this would just be another doomed attempt to complete our family. After all the things we've tried to give DS a sibling I feel like we need to protect ourselves a little bit. I don't think I'm under any illusion that adoption would be an easy route, but i would like to think that there's a point in trying. The posts above are encouraging and suggest that some LAs do place children with families with birth children, but is this the exception rather than the rule? I'd like to embark on the adoption process in the hope that we would be matched, but at the moment I fear we might start it just to avoid having regrets about leaving any stone unturned. Would we really never make it to the top of the list, even if we were approved?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

There is no list as such.  From what I can gather from our assessing agency on paper and for your PAR being parents is a positive for matching it can be a negative.  There is the age gap adopted child must be the youngest by at least 2 years. I have seen a number of profiles for children that state must be the only child or children in a household or a really significant gap such as teens. Some say can't be placed with a certain gender etc. I guess this is about the childs need me and DH will be able to give every second to them and change anything that needs changing in their best interest.  Families with bc will have them to consider and that may mean the changes or time some children need aren't possible. However loads of profiles say nothing about siblings so it's not a road block just be ready for matching to take longer because a number of children wouldn't be suitable for your family.  There's an all time high of children waiting and an all time low of adopters so I would ring a few agencies.  Some like making you feel paranoid and rubbish some are amazing and supportive.  Find an agency that sees your parenting experience as a positive.  Look at it as you assessing them not vice versa at this early stage.  However polite an agency with a bias against your family circumstances is never going to be the best for you.  Good luck loads will be thrilled to have you x x


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## baby0684 (May 20, 2012)

Hi

My BD is 7 now, started the process when she was still 5. There was a a few more visits for her. But most of the HS is without them. So you would need to thing who would have your son at least 3 hours each time when your SW visits. (some visits may be longer)

A positive thing is that you already have parenting experience, they you know who is supporting you now, and hopefully it wont change. (my SW said that when you have a child your friends/support changes. it def did in my case with BD)

My BD had a tantrum when SW was there, was really worried about it, but when I read my PAR, SW said that she saw BD and I handled it very well  

Having a BC does not stop you adopting, but like others have said they just have to be alot more careful on what child they place with you, so may take a bit longer to match (but not always. I was approved in March, hoping to have LO home September)

Again like others have said all agencies need at least 2 years difference. But some ask for 3 years.

You need to think about why you are going down the adoption route. (because IVF failed is not looked greatly upon)

Oh and you need a spare room for the child!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

There was a couple with a 3 year old BC on our prep course. My la have a shortage of adopters and would welcome anyone with a BC with open arms. They didn't wait too long to be matched. When my lo got his placement order last may my la only had two approved adopters available neither of which wanted a child of his age, 16 months at the time. We were matched with him in September after we were approved. In the meantime they had started to look nationwide which is what often happens in my la.  I would ring around all the la's and VA's in your area.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We were on prep group there were a few couples who had birth children, I've never heard of a rule that says they are treated differently.   We were approved just after another couple who'd daughter is 11, they are still waiting for a match but that's just the waiting game.  I'd approach other agencies if I were you or ask to speak to someone else. Good luck!


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

We have a 9 yr old bs who was 7 when we applied and have just had a 2.5 LO placed with us. Although our matching prob took a little longer than most the LA was happy to take us on and saw our parenting experience as a positive.
As others have said do shop around the agencies, good luck!!


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## Bumpless (Feb 18, 2009)

Thanks so much, you've increased my knowledge and enthusiasm about a million-fold. I didn't even know I could go to other agencies <newbie >. Congratulations for making headway through this process, especially to those who have bought their children home or been matched, and for the hints. I've now made a list of the reasons I might go down the adoption route, and quite agree that 'it's next on the list after IVF' isn't good enough! Some of them are bad/dubious reasons like it really pisses me off that I didn't get my way and this is another chance to beat the odds, or DS needs a playmate, but some of them are (I think) better ones like we have a lot of love to give another child, and it breaks my heart to think there are children in need of a home when we have a child-shaped space in our home that could belong to one of them. I will think about this lots more. But I feel much less defeatist about exploring the adoption route now.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Glad you're feeling more positive I would add that adopting for selfish for want of a better word reasons in part is fine.  I want to be a mummy and I have 3 choices leave my husband and get pregnant with someone else,  pursue more treatment or adopt.  I chose adopt and this is no more or less altruistic than my friends choosing to get pregnant.  I understand that parenting will be different and involve far more sacrifice and change but fundamentally I just want to be a mum. I am glad that a child will be taken out of the care system as a result but this isn't my primary motive and pretending it was would probably seem fake to a SW.  Definitely look at a few agencies we went to our local authority first and they weren't for us we've gone with a neighbouring one x x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I agree. The reasons we gave for wanting to adopt are we have fertility problems so couldn't conceive and we wanted a family. Sw's don't have a problem with this.


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## Bumpless (Feb 18, 2009)

Refreshingly common- sense. And it makes me realise I'd sort of got the impression you had to almost pull the wool over SWs eyes with an impression of perfection. I'm not sure why I have all these negative impressions but its nice to be disabused.


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## Caroline S (Nov 21, 2008)

Hi!

I haven't managed to read through all the posts so far, but wanted to say hello!

We have a birth child who is nearly 3 and at the start of this year we made enquiries about adoption and are now waiting to start the prep course under then new guidelines/timescales.  We have been told there needs to be a minimum of 2 years between our daughter and the adopted child, so we are looking at adopting a girl who is under 2.  Our SW thinks we should have a child placed with us by the end of next year, so we are very excited.

Later I will read through all the posts properly, but I am glad to have found this thread as its nice to chare experiences of adopting when you already have a birth child.


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## Caroline S (Nov 21, 2008)

I've now read back and its interesting how different everyones experiences are.  We are lucky taht we have a nice SW who is very supportive for us to go through with the adoption. DH has a number of health issues which we thought may cause problems, but they are fine for us to go ahead.

KJB1978 - I love the drawing your daughter did for the SW, so cute. Its lovely how they express themselves.

I think its important that the SW does invole the whole family, probably helps in the long run.


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## Jaynemummy (Jul 6, 2013)

Elco, good luck in your adoption journey! I think some of your feelings are understandable and this group is very supportive and helpful.

We already had a 6 year old birth child (conceived naturally after 9 years of unexplained infertility, and a big surprise as we were just waiting to go to adoption panel when we realised !!). Luckily for us we got our same fantastic social worker this second time when we wanted to grow our family.

Our reasons were (and we were honest with our SW) - we wanted a larger family, we have always been interested in adoption and we didn't want our son to be an only child.  Our SW prefers us to be honest and fully understood our reasons.  We were advised that you always keep the age order in your family so our first son would always be the eldest, which you can understand why.  They also recommended about a 4 year age gap, and that's what happened with us -- our adoptive son who has lived with us only 11 days!!! is 2 years old.  

There are obvviously more things to think of than when we first proceeded with adoption (aside from us being 7 years older!!), thinking of our eldest son and how he would cope, as well as considering a profile of a child who perhaps had been in foster care with other children (which is what our youngest son had experienced).  However, even though we've only just celebrated our new son's arrival (HOORAY!!) I would say that you shouldn't worry and our eldest has helped him settle in and actually it's been more exciting for them both having each other, and our new son being an active toddler, so they just interacted together from day one.  In fact they are so well settled together that they now both joke and plan things and also wind each other up which I take as settling in :0)

all the best, remember ask your SW or agency if you have these questions, they are there to help, not to catch you out.

x


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## babybiggles73 (Feb 15, 2010)

We have a 10 year old bc. We start our prep course on Monday. We have gone through a va as our la wouldnt consider us as we have a bc.  Every la is different, some will take you, some won't. 
Good luck


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