# Fitting in.....



## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

Just a quick thought that I need to jot down just so I can get it out of my head.

Do others think that one of the reasons why we want children (not the only reason but one of them) is so that we fit in with others?

I went to a Hen Do on Saturday and we had a heavily pregnant lady there and one who has just had a baby so most of the conversations were about children and babies and child birth...I dont think I have ever felt so isolated in a group in my whole life and I discussed it with DH but he doesnt really have the same problem as most blokes dont jabber on about these things as much as woman do.

I now feel a bit funny like I will never fit in again...does that sound mad or have others felt the same way?  does it get easier?  how do other handle it?

I must admit I thought I would be safe at a Hen Do and this discussion was unlikely to come up


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hiya Sonybear

Yes, I know what you mean - I have had moments where I have felt like a complete spare part and it is painful. What a difficult hen do that must have been for you - I know I would have wanted to escape! I have found recently that being with people who have chosen not to have children has been really therapeutic as it puts a different angle on things. I have started doing a bit of sailing (I'm not a natural sailor at all, but dh loves it) and met a lady there who actively chose to live a childfree life and she is happy and fulfilled. She said that she made some of her best friends through the sailing club and as a couple they seem to have many, many friends. I also have a colleague who kind of didn't manage to have children, but didn't try too hard and wasn't bothered. She was very good at pointing out all the disadvantages of having kids and all the advantages of not. I think it is a slow process to get our heads to accept our situations, but I do know that I'm getting there and the more I socialise with people who are either sensitive to our situation or those who are in a similar situation, the easier it is. Also spending time with children I truly love helps. I felt so privileged the other day when I went to pick up my goddaughter from school (she lives in France so it's not something I get to do often). For me it gave me the opportunity to feel part of the normal female race and boy was I nervous! Actually I realised that picking kids up from school is a complete chore for most women and not something they actually enjoy - it becomes part of the daily rush that is a mother's role - so in some ways it was even more of a privilege to be doing something like that and enjoying it! Does that make sense?

Whoops, better go or will be late for work!!

Have a good one

S
X


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Very good points Sonybear and Montagne!

I did my best auntie act at the weekend (bil and sil needed to help a lady who had had an accident in her car with four children in the back, all a bit shaken so we had to look after niece and answer her questions and take her home to bed) and it was a real priviledge to be the one to be there for her.  I know moments like that wouldn't be as special had we had our own children.  Relationships with god-children (mine are secular - ie we are their legal guardians should anything happen) and nieces would never be as good and emotionally intense/ memorable.

Niece said to me
'I'm sorry Auntie J - you can't have any tea I'm afraid as the milk is running slow'
me: 'Are you sure about that'
her: 'Yes the green milk is running slow'
me: 'You don't think by any chance Mummy might have said it was running low?'

bless her - she's just 4!

Also when I arrived (having been morris dancing)
'Auntie J, your face is still painted'
me: 'Yes, I was hoping if you didn't mind that I could have a shower and wash it off here'
her in her best grand society hostess tone of voice: 'No, it's quite alright, we don't mind' (bil was killing himself with laughter)

I really enjoy encouraging her to talk to me 'on a level' - I don't have to be a parent, and in a way that's a great liberation.  Of course I have standards and boundries (the whole 'I don't talk to you like that,so I don't like it if you talk to me in that way' thing - in fact if anything I'm stricter than most) but I make an effort to always be myself with her, not trying to be 'an adult', plus of course I see her for much less time so it can be quality time!

And on the fitting in thing - yes, most certainly, I think you've really hit on something there - and I sometimes think there are certain types of women who do their absolute best to try to make out that whatever they are doing is absolutely the best thing that could be done and frankly if they are on broadcast mode about motherhood it's best to just be somewhere else.  I'm happy to listen to my friends moans and joys of parenting, but then they listen to me talking about the important things in my life too.  I'd never fit in to a group of people who all just wanted to say 'me too' to everything ... good thing, eh?!  These same girls were probably the ones trying to make everyone else feel rubbish because their wedding plans were more splendid a few years back, and had to be person with the most expensive toys at school ... it's an extension of an annoying habit and unless you are outside the group you don't necessarily notice it.  My mum wouldn't ever buy me proper school uniform (I moved schools a lot due to my dad's job, so she had a point) so I've always been an outsider to the 'in group' and beyond the pale as far as this type of girl is concerned. Hmmm that sounds bitter but it isn't really as I'm sure I have always had a much better time than them ... being eccentric is much more fun!

Jx

Jx


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## Fire Opal (Apr 16, 2008)

I hope you don't mind me saying hello.

Read your post and feel just the same, both hubby and i have watched as all our friends have had babies, some even on the second or third and life really changes.
Parties are never the same,   drunk fun and sillyness turns into Oh   who's got a dirty nappy (all start sniffing bottoms yuk   ) and when to feed and put to bed, oh and storys of what little one did today  

don't get me wrong i love children but you are right its a club that unless you are sprogged up you can't join.
you don't get invited to get togethers are their homes or outting to fun parks.
you have no idea what the Night gargen is 

Also theres that underlying sence that they all feel sooooooooooooo sorry for you and thinks its best to not get in touch Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Well life goes on and we have met some fab couples though walking our dogs.

Much love to you all  

Fire Opal


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