# Feeling like your worthless



## kaitlynnsmommy03 (Jul 10, 2011)

Hello I am new to the group. This is my first post. 
I deal with secondary infertility. I've been dealing with it for 6 years now. I do have a wonderful little girl. She was born almost 8 years ago. She has been begging me and her father for a little brother or sister. Unfortunately I can't give that to her. Before I got pregnant with Kaitlynn, we did have the issues where I would get pregnant but miscarry after a few months. It was hard dealing with that, but gave me the strength to hold on, that'll happen someday. And that someday happened when I found that I was carryng my baby full term. Now that she is here, we have been dealing with not being able to get pregnant, not even to miscarry. 
It's becoming too much for me. I can't handle the fact that I feel like a failure as a woman because I can't conceive. I wonder to myself if this is normal to feel this way. My previous doctor wouldn't run tests or anything on me. Continuously told me that it's normal, it'll happen. Even when I told them I come from a very fertile family that's all I got. I began feeling disgusted towards them and myself. I have found myself a new doctor, before making the appointment, I explained all the issues I've been having. They said they completely understand and are willing to work with me. Of course, I have to do the initial exam, but if they are willing to work with me and my issue, then it'll be worth it. 

I came here to see if I'm the only one dealing with these feelings. I feel worthless and it gets in the way of my everyday activity. I dream of being pregnant every night and when I realize its a dream, I wake and can't fall back asleep. I feel like I'm falling apart, leaving the ones I love behind. I can't deal with the everyday pain. And it seems like I hate pregnant women and they did absolutely nothing to me. I try to talk to family and friends, but it seems they really don't know what I am talking about. Of course they don't, they have never dealt with something like this. they can pop off kids just looking at a man. I have no one who understands what I am going through. Am I the only one dealing with these feelings with this?


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## Bubblicious (Jul 8, 2010)

Hi kaitlynnsmommy03, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I've had times when I've felt the same as you but over time, I have learnt to cope with it and to focus on what I do have so that I'm not constantly down. It's not good for you to beat yourself up over this. Really, you need to look after yourself a bit more. I've been there, I know.

I also come from a super-fertile family and have been asked why I have not had any more children. I get told [obvious] things like "you're not getting any younger", "your brother and cousin already have #2 and #3 and they're younger than you" etc.

I've had anxious days, teary days, irrational days. I've had days when I've thought of nothing else. Days when I've felt abandoned by my fertile family members, all discussing their new babies on ** and talking to me with pity in their eyes. Or worse still, not talking to me any more ... the phonecalls and messages have stopped when they found out about our struggles ... perhaps guilt, I guess.

So you're not alone. Your feelings are normal. But try to remember you have a loving partner, a beautiful daughter, food on the table, a roof over your heads. Do what you have to to get on an an even keel. Be nice to yourself [it's not your fault!]. Get some help, perhaps talk to a infertility counsellor - http://www.bica.net/. Or talk here ... you're more than welcome to rant and rave and whinge and cry.

And take it a step at a time whilst getting help. Don;t get overwhelmed with it all.

Sending you virtual hugs.


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## kaitlynnsmommy03 (Jul 10, 2011)

Bubblicious
I really want to thank you for all that you've said. I already feel better that there is someone out there who knows what I am going through and understands. I find it so hard to talk to friends and family members about this because they just don't understand. I know I have a lot of negativity in my mind and I know I have to work on getting through it. I just find it difficult, before finding this site, to try to get things across to people. Sometimes I feel like they don't fully comprehend my problem. And its worse when the hubby says stop whining about it. That just really irritates me to no end. I have found myself a new little "hobby" to do, so I am hoping that does me some good in not thinking about my issues. I am just so glad that I found this site where others are dealing with the same problem. Thank you again. 

Sending you hugs as well for your journey!!!


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## Mitchy12345 (Jun 22, 2011)

hey there, 

i'm so sorry to hear the apin you are going through. i also have a little girl, she will be 9 in october! but i desperately want another baby, and after 3 miscarriages in 9 months my stress is through the roof. and because you already have one, all the docs say is everything must be okay because you did it before! crap! they just don't seem to care. they just stick you on anti-depressants to get through the stress and leave you to it. trying some random blood tests along the way. 

the most annoying thing is, is it only seems to matter to check if you haven't had a baby before. once you've had one, you don't seem to be as important... it hurts and it sucks, but this is the place where you can air your rants at the world and get some great advice on TTC and everything else. and if nothing else, make some great friends. 

you should try writing a diary on here, mines really helps me clear my head. its like my own therapy!

this probably didn't help much after reading it back, but at least you know you aren't alone.

lots of luck coming your way! 

from mitch x


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