# Have I made a terrible mistake



## Bunny Face

Hi, 


I need some advice, infact I'm getting desperate.... 


To fill you all in:  I'm currently sat in my lounge watching a 14 month old baby boy nap in his chair.  He was placed with us today after a speedy 3 month approval.  He is the half brother of my 4 year old daughter. 


The problem is I'm not sure I want him - I feel awful for saying it but that is the truth! I haven't felt excited or maternal during the preperation for his arrival but I thought it was because we have been so busy renovating the house.  I had hoped to feel something for him during introductions but still nothing.  I feel so depressed about it because my daughter loves him and my DH is desperate for it to work.  I spent most of our rest day crying and I still feel so detached now.


Do I wait and hope that love grows or say something now to our social worker?  I can't just hand back a child like a pair of shoes that don't match my outfit.  Please help! 

My DH said that I didn't love my daughter straightaway either but I don't think I ever felt like this about her.  I just wish I had taken my feelings more seriously during the approval process, I should have said something then.  Oh god....it's awful!


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## crazyspaniel

bunny face xxx
Firstly, it's very early days, don't be so hard on yourself. It took a long time for me to feel really love for my daughter, think months not weeks.
Secondly, I think it's always different second time around, you've had all that intense bonding time with your daughter and sometimes it's hard to imagine how you could love another little person as much as you do her x 
Introductions are such a stressful time especially when you have another child to consider you are most likely physically and emotionally exhausted. 

I wouldn't rush to talk to your sw just yet, give it a couple of weeks, if you're still struggling you may need to consider the possibility of post adoption depression.

Take some time out for yourself especially if your dh is off work...
Remember it's a marathon not a sprint, there's plenty of time for you to start to book direct with the small stranger that has invaded your home...!

Be gentle with yourself and keep talking xx


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## Bunny Face

Thanks crazy spaniel,  I'm so worried that if I leave it too long we will have done irreparable damage to him, my daughter and husband if we disrupt the placement.

I think PAD is quite likely as I have suffered from depression before and take a low dose of antidepressants now.  Is my gp obliged to tell social services if I need different medication?

My poor husband has been in tears this afternoon, I feel like such a monster.


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## crazyspaniel

I don't think your gp needs to tell them, it's confidential information. 
Try not to think too far in the future just now, one day at a time...go to your gp and if you think your sw will support you discuss it with her.x


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## ciacox

Not much to add by wanted to send a hug. I think crazyspaniel's advice is great. Take your time, look after your mental health and definitely don't add guilt about your feelings to everything else you're facing. It's a good sign that your husband and daughter are on board with the placement. Let them do the loving for now, you will get there. Xxx


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## Tictoc

My first adoption was actually the hardest in terms of daughters behaviour but we were so invested in it we never questioned our love for her or if she was in the right place. Funnily enough the next time round we adopted a 8 month old little boy who really gave us very little trouble and I felt a bit like you that I wasn't sure - I thought he was cute - I wanted another child but he didn't feel like mine. I don't know how long it took for that to change but it did - he is the naughtiest child but there is something about him I love so strongly I can't imagine that I ever questioned if he should be here. He's was also a fast process. We heard about him as a possible link and for various reasons within 2 weeks he had moved in - I'm not sure if I hadn't had time to process it yet.

I think it's very easy to get depressed after you adopt - people assume she should be so over the moon about having a child and really for some time they don't feel like your child. Don't beat yourself up, know so many of us have not had any instant love or much feelings at all for our children till further down the line. I agree that you should see GP - good luck and please use these boards to vent - there is always someone who has been through what you have or similar.


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## dandlebean

I felt like I'd made a massive mistake when I adopted my two. Even during introductions, I really wasn't sure - and DH was crying because he really wanted them! Hard to imagine now though, as I love them both so much, but it took AGES before I stopped feeling unsure about my decision. 

There's been some really good advice so far, so nothing really to add. Just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one to have these feelings, so please don't feel guilty! xx


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## becs40

Aw I think you're being way too hard on yourself at the mo! Our son was 6 months when placed and everyone fell in love instantly -except me! I questioned myself all day everyday, had I really wanted a child, why didn't I feel this love like everyone else etc. Then when AO was granted 6 months later it was like someone flicked the switch and bingo it was there. I imagine with a second you're constantly worrying about upsetting the balance of what you already had and I don't think that's any difference to a birth child really. Hang in there and don't expect so much of yourself. It's normal and perfectly OK to have these feelings this early on.


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## crazyspaniel

How are you doing bunny face?


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## Bunny Face

Thank you for all your advice. 

The last two days have been pretty awful - not quite the perfect picture of family togetherness!  We plucked up the courage to call our support worker and she came round this morning. 

I was completely honest about my feelings with her.  I think I was blinded by the fact that this child is my daughters birth sibling and didn't actually think about whether it was something I actually wanted to do.  I hate myself for typing this and for saying it and ultimately for thinking it but although I know I could parent him and may learn to love him in time, I am struggling with the problem that I don't think I want too. 

I should have to come to this realisation weeks ago but was carried along by the adoption wheel and thought my feelings would change.  I should have said something to the social workers on Tuesday before he came home to us but I didn't want to upset anyone.

DH and I managed to take him out to the park for fresh air, we sat and had a gloomy drink at the cafe but eventually it felt more normal and we managed to have a nice hour or two.  However back at home, reality has kicked in again.  I guess the question is;  can I make this work despite my feelings?

Adoption is so complex, my first experience was so positive and I am a huge advocate for it but right now I wish I could invent a time machine and go back 6 months or I'd settle for a few weeks and just say "hold on I'm not feeling it"!  Big lesson learnt here.


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## roonie

How are you doing bunny face. Your post resonated with me as everything you feel I felt with our lb who was placed at 14 months and it took me a long long time to feel he was mine. now I feel love like I have never felt before and I promise I never believed I would feel this way about him and my dh and I seriously considered disruption three months in, I cannot imagine our lives without him now but at the time I definitely had post adoption depression and could not see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt like I was living in a nightmare to be honest so what I am saying I guess is I relate, I understand, I am sending hugs and understanding and whatever choice you make you are supported here. Xxx.x


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## Bunny Face

Hi Roonie, 

Thanks for your post. 

I'm not having a good day, woke up feeling very anxious and down.  Not little ones fault, I just can't seem to muster up any enthusiasm.  I went to the Drs yesterday and there are no magic cures.  I need to work through it.  I know what's happened, I've pinpointed the time things went wrong; 

We found out about little one in May shortly before my daughters 4th birthday.  We were initially worried but then agreed to hear more information.  On the day of the 4 way meeting my daughter came down with a high temp and ended up in bed.  Over the next four weeks my daughter was incredibly poorly with scarlet fever and was very close to a hospital admission for breathing difficulties.  During this time various social workers were contacting us but I just couldn't bear to think about another child whilst my daughter was so poorly. 

The adoption wheel kept moving, during which time we had just completed a house extension, things were stressful at work and my daughter was still under the weather.  I pushed my feelings about adoption to the back of my mind...we had too many other things going on. 

We finished our house renovations a few days before a two week holiday abroad.  Three days after we got home my daughter started big school and then three days after that, adoption introductions started.  I never revisited my feelings about adoption. 

And now here we are!  My daughter loves her brother already, my husband is bonding with him and yet I can't even muster up enough enthusiasm to open the new baby presents that the neighbours have just brought round.

I know I am suffering from PAD and I'm so scared I'm going to be consumed by it.  I am now taking one antidepressant tablet every day (as opposed to 2-3 per week) but I know the increased dose will take a few weeks to kick in. 

I just want to feel normal again.  If having a new child is causing mental health issues is this the right decision for our family? 

🐰


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## crazyspaniel

Sending lots of empathy your way bunny face x
You've had a tough time.....
Give the antidepressants time to kick in, until then be gentle with yourself and try not to overthink things.
I don't think now is a good time to make such a huge decision


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## Theretofour

So many hugs take time to let things kick in and ask for help to give you some down time x


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## ciacox

Just here to send another hug. It sounds like you've done so good work figuring out how you got to where you are now (and it makes sense that you are totally exhausted). Is your husband supposed to go back to work soon? Any chance he can have a bit longer off to support you? And did your GP suggest any kind of talking therapy? I think what's hard about adoption is that (awful as it would be) it is reversible in a way that having a birth child just isn't. So if you had a new baby and felt depressed and uninterested in them (or even that you actively didn't like them), you most likely wouldn't also feel burdened by the possibility you could make a decision to end your relationship with them. I do agree with others that you should not make a decision  until you've had more time to breathe. It's tough and you must feel lonely at times but you will find people here who understand. Keep writing to us!


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## roonie

Hi Bunny face. You sound so sad and I'm so very sorry to hear you feel this way. It's wonderful that your daughter and husband are bonding but no doubt it probably makes you feel worse right now too. I am glad you spoke to your gp and like you I was always on a very low dose of antidepressants and had to increase this for a while, I am never sure if it masks how you really feel or really does kick in the right chemicals but it did help a little. I think what helped me the most was that my husband was so supportive and basically stepped up when I really couldn't take anymore rejection. I feel  you need to talk to a social worker or someone urgently within the post adoption support team to just thrash out how your feeling, even if no major decision is made it might help you feel like your venting the un speakable to someone, if you feel they are unhelpful perhaps speak to someone at adoption uk either that or keep talking on here.  it sounds like with all the stress in the run up to little one joining your family you have had no time to mentally prepare at all and it probably feels a little like a stranger in your home, I tried to liken it to an arranged marriage in the hard times, getting to know someone slowly, gently, providing the care needed and bonding gently giving the child what they need and learning about then without putting that pressure on yourself to feel anything yet, eg love,  adoration, but trying to follow the PACE idea, you know all this anyway as you have done it all before. Just trying to offer any support I can and let you know someone out here gets it xxxx


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## gettina

Sending love Bunny Face. I'm sorry you are still struggling.

Just two little thoughts in case they might possibly hold out any reassurance for you:

1. just because you didn't go through the comprehensive thought process about adopting number two that you ideally would have, it doesn't mean the answer would have been or should have been no. You might have got to yes, and you might now be going through that process a hard, confused, emotional, depressed and retrospective way. This is sure to make is harder to happily and speedily draw the yes conclusion but it might still be the right answer.

2. maybe the love of your husband and daughter for your new son has to be enough within your family - especially in the context that your love is likely to come in time. 

If the anti depressants help just take them. You don't need to wrestle with any more worries hon. 
gettina
xxxx


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## ciacox

Hey Bunny face - just thinking of you and wondering how things are going? Sending love xxx


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## roonie

Hi Bunny girl hoping your ok xxxx


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## Bunny Face

Good evening everyone, 

Thank you all for caring.  Things have improved and we are continuing with the placement.  I do feel better and more positive about the future but life still feels unrecognisable.  I am still grieving for the way our life used to be but I know these feelings are temporary. 

I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too far ahead and I've finally stopped feeling guilty for how I feel.  Adoption is bloody hard but we'll get there eventually.


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## Theretofour

What a great update. I am so pleased for you that you are feeling better. You are right and it is hard. Xx


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## ciacox

So glad things are looking up. Well done for hanging on in there. Xxx


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## gettina

Just thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok and having some good days.
Gettina X


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