# How do you find purpose and fulfilment without children?



## mitch_ems

Having decided not to continue with anymore IVF I have found myself grieving again, for the future that so many people have and for the one that I thought I had but can't.  I have really struggled to believe in worthwhile alternatives and at my lowest moments have found myself feeling quite pointless as a human-being.  I know I am incredibly lucky and have so much yet I find myself almost obsessing about what I can do....something - a goal, a role... that will make my life feel "useful" or with purpose.  

I would really appreciate hearing from other women who have felt the same, and how they have learned to cope or found meaning.  

xx


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## Myownangel

I have felt the same way as you - and the advice given to me was to start filling up my life with activities and interests that I enjoy. One thing I would recommend is to set yourself a challenge. For me, it was doing a 170km trek around Mont Blanc. It required a lot of training (as I am not normally a sporty type and was very out of condition). It was something I never thought I could do - but I did it! (With a few curses and an injury along the way!) I am very proud of it. If you are naturally sporty - why not set yourself a 'cerebral' challenge? Perhaps learn a new language and then go on holiday and use your new found skill. Think of something you think you could never do - or ask friends or partner what they could never imagine you doing - and then do it!
THere are so many ways that you can give to the world - and it really is a big world that is waiting for you. With more time available because you don't have children - it is amazing what you could achieve. Follow your heart. Do you have a dream? Dare to dream it - and follow it through. 
THat's what hubby and I are doing - we are going to New Zealand in the new year!!
Bernie xxx


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## mitch_ems

Hello Bernie

Thank you so much for both your responses, wise and thoughtful words.  It is great and inspirational to hear about the things you are doing.  I totally agree about focussing on the service of others, and believe that we do that in so many different ways.  I'm going to start working on my dreams now!!  

xx


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## flipper

Hi there

I didn't want to read and run and btw Bernie, very impressed with the Mont Blanc thing -well done you.

I used to post here regularly and still look in from time to time - but now as someone who has found purpose and fulfilment without children.

When we first "moved on" I had an enormously large black cloud hanging over me, I felt utterly useless and entirely without purpose, something I think I recognised in your post.

What I wanted to say was that there are worthwhile alternatives and it's each to their own thing - what does it for you only you will know. I can only go by my experience and what I would say is give it time and look at your alternatives and maybe challenge yourself along the way.

After some consideration I packed in a job I hated and set about getting a job that meant I could be fulfilled in my 9-5, we've downsized in quiet a big way and embraced the fact that we are "different" but that the "difference" can bring with it opportunities for all sorts of positive things.  Having embraced what we can't change, we have a lively social life and feel that although it isn't what either of us wanted, on balance it's pretty good (putting it mildly) and I know that inside, I've never felt so contended and happy (but it's taken 4 years to get here).

I don't want to suggest it's easy to "get over" because I know full well that it isn't, it's a slow and painful process and you may find, like me,  that you never really do but I wanted to give you some hope that there are others out there who can relate to how awful it feels right now and give you some comfort that given time, there is a whole world of purpose and fulfilment out there for you.

Good luck.

flipper


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## Pol

Hello

I just wanted to add a bit (although much in the same vein as the other ladies) ... 

I guess for me it was important to separate out my grief for the unborn children that still in my mind exist from the feeling of 'uselessness'.  Grieving is normal, and counselling has helped me with that.  For me it has been a question of accepting that it is ok to be sad, and that that will probably never go away, but that that isn't a problem - you don't have to be under pressure to stop feeling sad about something that is sad ...

But then the feeling useless bit involves some activity which to start with you won't be able to contemplate, but it does get easier with time.  My DH and I started with a holiday where we took lots of time out and started to dream about an alternative future, one which probably wouldn't have been possible with children because we wouldn't have been able to afford it.  And then for us it has been important to get more involved with the community around us, with fun things and also with voluntary work, so that we don't feel cut off and isolated by our childlessness.  I have taken up Morris dancing which is great for getting you out there and meeting people of all sorts (we've done workshops with our local adult mencap group, with brownies and beavers, and at a high security prison, as well as the normal getting out to a nice place for a weekend and dancing for the tourists!) and I've also become an LEA governor at a local primary school which is great in terms of keeping me in touch with young people so that I don't feel completely cut off from the next generation.  I've got much more into work than I ever thought I would be, now that I know I'm going to be doing it for the foreseeable future, and have been able to be clear with my employers that I'm not about to go on maternity leave so they might as well invest in me, which has been great as they have developed my role into something much more rewarding than what I was putting up with whilst ttc, (mostly becuase the IVF takes so much time and mental space, to be fair to my employers)  Meanwhile we're saving up like crazy to try to fund our ultimate dream: running a hostel / b&b place somewhere beautiful where we can keep animals and run weeklong holiday courses.

There is a useful future for all of us out there, but be kind to yourself right now, and give yourself time to feel sad and listen to your heart and what other dreams will gradually come to the surface.  They may involve big changes, or may be just small things, and everyone on this thread who has been here for a while will tell you of different things that they have done to find a new sense of purpose in life.

Finally, one thing that has helped me, and may possibly be useful to you, is the realisation that people who have children go often go through somethign like this when the children leave home (after all, they do grow up ever so quickly!).  They seem to suddenly realise that it's just the two of them again and they have all this time on their hands, and sometimes it comes at the same time as retirement, and they have all these difficult 'what am I here for' questions, which unfortunately sometimes get taken out on their relationship or their children.  I see myself as being in a position to face that much earlier whilst I still have plenty of energy and plenty of time to really make the most of anything I decide to put my time and energy into, which has to be a positive!

Hope some of this is of use to you.  I'm afraid I sound rather bouncy and over-optimistic, but please do believe me when I say, I really do relate to where you are just now.  I just want you to know that it does get better!

Jx


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## beachgirl

Pol   just wanted to say thank you for such a great post, it certainly rings true x


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