# Bad day.... only the start of IVF process and freaking out!



## Jem1978

Hi All

I am new on here and it's not been a good day at all. I had a complete breakdown this morning about this whole situation that we are in. Is this normal? I haven't even started IVF yet and I'm freaking out. Last week i found out my AMH was 9 which really shocked me as i expected it to be normal (i'm 32). I took it badly as it means we can't do an egg sharing programme now. This has huge cost implications now for us as we would have had our cycle funded if  my AMH was ok.

I think it is only just sinking in now and my DH has been stressing about money getting spread sheets on the go. We were both feeling the tension of it all and it ended in a cruscendo of me flipping out by crying hystercially like some one had died. All i can say is that is exactely what it felt like. DH was amazing at this point and supplied cuddles along with my nearly 5 year old gorgeous girl who wiped my tears away. I hated that i did this infront of her but i had absolutly no control over my emotions for some reason. I have an overhwhelming sadness today but perhaphs that is just becase AF started this am and i was fooling myself by some miracle i would be pregnant and we wouldn't have to go through all this finicial and emotional stress. 

Can some one please tell me if i am a nutter or has anyone else felt like this? 

I don't think it helps that i want this more than my DH as he would be happy with the one daughter we have. The outcome of our discussion so far is that DH feels we are 'rushing into things'. It's been 2 freaking years of TTC (I no this is nothing compared to some) and i have had about 9 months of  'thinking' about IVF when he has been happy to just plod along TTC. I guess he needs to catch up.

I feel so isolated and alone. I don't feel i can talk to any friends or family as it will just upset them. The one friend i could confide in is ill, so don't feel it is fair to dump it on her.

My DH has indepth sperm analysis thursday and i will have to do AFC on Monday (day 3) of cycle. I now don't know if i should keep these appointments if he is going to delay the whole process of not being ready to start until end of the summer. What do you think?

I thank you if you have taken the time to read this and sorry for the out pouring. I am putting it down to a very bad day. I'm off to bed to work on positive thoughts for tomorrow 

Jemma


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## Bubblicious

Hi Jemma,

I think it's quite normal to have these breakdowns [I've had my fair share and also in front of DS but sometimes it just can't be helped]. I've had those bawling, can't stop, end of the world cries most CD1's tbh until recently. Recently, I've kind of felt a level of acceptance that it just might not happen for us. I also think it is difficult for people not in the same situation to fully understand the strain of secondary infertility so places like here are a god-send.

I'm also seriously considering self-funding IVF [we have a consultation a week on Friday] and I'm worried about the money and the impact on our little family. It's such a hard decision to make. And DH have both wanted to go for it and then not wanted to go for it at different times from each other which has complicated things. Now, we've decided to take a step at a time. So the first thing we have to do is just go to the consultant and see what he says then we will think about the next step. Thinking about the big picture, the cost etc just messes us up.

I hope you're feeling a lot more positive about things today. If you really want to go ahead and not put off treatment until the summer [I think I'm with you on this ... two years is a long time to try], then I think you need to have a conversation with DH about how hard its been on you and get him on side. It would certainly make you feel better that you're in this together. And then you can make a decision about the tests.

Hope you get things sorted soon.

Bubbs


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## Jem1978

Thanks for your reply Bubbs. I have woken up this morning without a very heavy heart so i guess all that crying yesterday helped.

I think yesterday for me it was the realisation about how much this one decision would change our lives. If we don't do it will we regret it forever? If we do there is one fabulous and one not so fabulous outcome. My feeling is i would regret not trying IVF whereas DH is not so worried about having a little brother or sibling for our DD. However, I know he is upset by the whole thing as he was in tears and he is not a man who often cries. We decided last night we will have the  AFC, SA and nurses appointment and review together how we feel after.

Seven years ago when i was told i probably wouldn't have children naturally at the ripe age of 25 years, yes i was upset but it was different. I never imagined that i would just have 1 child after having had the amazing blessing of DD. My consultants were pretty happy that i got pregnant and have actually been pregnant 3 times (sadly 2 miscarriages at 6 and 9w). Am i being greedy wanting a sister or brother for my gorgeous girl ?

Bubbs good luck with your initial consultation. Where are you going? Did i notice from  your ticker ARGC? Is that with Mr T? 

Thanks again for the words of support. I am so pleased i found this site.

Jemma


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## Bubblicious

Jemma,

Glad you're feeling more positive. And glad that you have made a mutual decision.

I understand your feelings of wanting a sibling for your DD. I don't like to think of my DS being an only child ... so lonely especially after we have gone. He has actually asked me for a brother or sister as all his friends have younger siblings already [it breaks my heart every time].

Yes, I have a consultation at ARGC next Friday. I am hoping to get my immunes tested first and have a monitored cycle before making any kind of decision on treatment. I'm not sure yet which consultant we will be under or even if I will have IVF at ARGC. If my immunes come back fine, we may go back for treatment at The Lister which is where I had my IUI ... that is, if we have treatment at all . I'm so undecided about it all. When I applied for an appointment, I was ready to go all guns-blazing into IVF, now six weeks later, I'm not so sure, it's right for us.

Good luck for today and Thursday.

Bubbs


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## Jem1978

Thanks Bubbs for your post.

It is a cliche to say 'it's a rollercoster' but it really is. I've gone from polar end of everything in this infertility business!  . My daugther has been asking for a sister (in particular!) for the past year and it broke my heart everytime. I have had to explain to her that we are trying to make her (and us) one but sometimes it's difficult. She hasn't asked recently, so i wonder if she has picked up that i am upset about it. She is pretty clued up to other peoples feelings and intuitive for a nearly 5 year old!

My AFC scan didn't really give me great news. 3 follicles on one ovary and 4 on other so total of 7 follicles.  I don't really know what the implications of this are when i have endo and an AMH of 9. Only another week until nurses appointment then i guess we find out.

Good luck tomorrow.

Jemma


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## babycrazy

Girls 
   
 
          And 
Many Angel Blessings 
xx
BC


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## Jem1978

Thanks BC and Bubbs. It's a better day today, its half term and no work until next wed. We are off for a couple of days camping wed and Thursday, so  we will have a couple of days of fun as a family, then D day appointment when i find out what protocol they are going to put me on.

Nite xx


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## Bubblicious

Good luck for next week, Jemma.

We had our appointment on ARGC and will be starting a monitoring cycle when [/if ] AF arrives next week. I'll be going in for a hormone profile [CD1-3], then a mid-cycle scan and I'll have bloods taken for immunes testing at the same time. Then, 4-6 days after my LH surge, I'll be going to get my progesterone levels tested. The consultant there suggested that we have IVF no later than September otherwise, I'll have to have another monitored cycle first. So I have a deadline to make a decision by. Also, DH's SA had higher than average abnormal forms [although five previous SA's showed no problems] so there was talk of ICSI, too.


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## Jem1978

Hi Bubbs

It sounds like your appointment went well. You also have decisions to make then. How easy are you finding it? My clinic doesn't do a monitored cycles etc. I guess that's why it's cheaper but they still have a 50% preg rate, so I am hopeful. Take care and good luck with the decision making.  that your AF doesn't come 

Jemma


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## chicksmum

Hi Jemma

I haven't been on these boards for a while (been busy actually getting a diagnosis for secondary infertility). Your situation is very similar to mine. I have a 4 year old daughter (concieved easily within a few months). We have been trying for number 2 for over 1.5 years now and have finally just got a reason for the no baby situation. My AMH is worse than yours (6.7) but my folicle count somewhat contradicts this at 9. Either way its not good for my age (33).

I am due to start IVF next month and must admit I am really nervous about the whole thing. I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing and what impact its going to have on my life.

I hope all goes well for you!!

chicksmum


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## Bubblicious

Hi Chicksmum.

How are you doing, Jemma?

AF arrived last night so I'm off for bloods tests tomorrow and will probably be booking my mid-cycle scan and immunes tests [starting my monitoring cycle].


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## Bubblicious

Just noticed your other post, Jemma.

We could be first IVF cycle buddies ... if we do IVF, we won't be starting until maybe mid-August.

Good luck for next month, Chicksmum.


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## marie57

Just wanted to say hi girls Im also in a similar position to you.Im due to start IVF either this month or next waiting for blood results and I keep having second thoughts and freaking out.Dont know how I will cope with the drugs I felt awful on clomid so worried about the money and now started thinking maybe I have too big an age gap my 2 DS are 11 and 8 we been ttc for 4 yrs.My emotions are all over the place already maybe its natural as its such a big decision.My DH is going through with it for me he would prefer to just leave it at 2 kids but knows how much ive always wanted another so I cant keep going back on my decision for his sake.Its good to be able to vent off here though ,with people who truly understand.babydust to all .


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## Jem1978

Hi Chicksmum, I know what you mean about being busy this is my first time back on here since my last post! It's hard to decide what to do for the best and when isn't it.I'm doing relaxation tapes where possible although this ended in hysterical laughter yesterday evening. My Daughter obviously spotted me with my headphones on on our bed, crept out her room, lay on top of me with her ear pressed up to the headphones . I'm afraid the relaxation went out the window and humour commenced with her whispering 'I love you mummy'. I couldn't ignore her and it was highly entertaining (you had to be there though )!! Anyhow enough babble from me. Good luck next month and i hope you have some relaxing time penciled in this month for yourself. Keep us posted.

Bubbs, so sorry to hear your AF arrived . It's impossible to give up hope isn't it? As i type, i have abdo +back pain which i am trying to convince myself is 'implantation' but i think i know in my heart of hearts it's my usual Premenstrual pain/endo. Hey-ho onwards and upwards. I'd love to be your cycle buddy if i am not too late!! Assuming my periods are clockwork, i am due to start DR 30th August. Can I ask you what they look at at the mid cycle scan? I am not doing a monitored cycle so am intrigued.

Marie, Nice to meet you too! Where are you planning your treatment? It takes a while to get your head around it all doesn't it and i am so glad i opted not to start DR yesterday as i wasn't ready mentally. Good luck. 

Signing off now to see DH as not seen him all day- Him DIYing and me summer feteing at  two school's.


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## Bubblicious

Hi Marie. Welcome.

Jem, I've had a mid-cycle scan before and I think they just look at how your ovaries/uterus are at that point in a natural cycle. Also, it can rule out conditions like polycystic ovaries. It gives them an idea of how to treat you in regards to drugs etc. They will probably check that I have a good number of follies, that one is dominant and that the endometrium is the right thickness for that point in the cycle.

My consultant also spoke about possibly needing a hysteroscopy but I'm hoping that we dont have to do that [just another added cost but apparently, it'll give them a better idea as to where to transfer embryos].

I suspect that if I have my usual length cycle [normally 32 days ... sometimes I get some freaky ones between 28 to 39 days] that I'll be down-regging from 28th August as long as my immunes don't reveal something that needs treating beforehand.

There was a cryptic message in a friend's ** status today; I think she is expecting #2. And once again I feel  about our situation. I'm mostly okay until something like this happens. And I feel terrible about being jealous, too.

Anyway, I'll be back on here soon feeling perkier and . Wishing you all luck.


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## Jem1978

Hi Bubbs

Just checked in. Sorry to see you've been feeling down  . I hope things have improved. It is hard, particularly if it's a friend. Seeing those dreaded but lovely scans on everyones ** newsfeeds is also like a dagger again. I turn green with envy too so don't beat yourself up. Some people will never know just how lucky they are, but that doesn't help us right now! Bubbs it's going to happen one way or another and I'm betting it's our turn soon! 

We will be starting our IVF very close then if all goes to plan . I don't get how a hysterocsope can help? Surely a scan is enough to see the lay of the land? They are the best experts about so i would def be guided by them though.

Thanks for the info on mid cycle scan. 

Catch up soon. I have party invites to design and print for my Daughters impending 5th birthday 

Jem


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## Bubblicious

Jem, I found out that actually, my friend is not pregnant. She has given birth to her second child! I didn't even know that she was expecting! She does live halfway around the world but I'm close to her sister who knows we are ttc and I think it shows that this friend [like some of my other friends] doesn't really know how to break this kind of news to me anymore.

Apparently, and weirdly, something about the hysterscopy also involves some kind of "clean out" which can help prepare the uterus for the growing of a healthy endometrium and this aids implantation ...? I have found that my clinic like you have it done early in the IVF cycle to improve success.

Hi Marie, any news on when you might start?


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## Bubblicious

Jem, how are you doing, hun?

Marie, Chicksmum?

Has anybody started IVF yet?

I've had my immunes and progesterone test results back and despite having slightly raised NK cells, I can start DR.  I was originally thinking of starting in a couple of months but after a long heart-to-heart with DH we might be going for it this month.  I just need to check if it's okay to start DR when there is still a chance of a natural pregnancy first and then I will start the nasal sprays on Friday.  I can't quite believe it could really be happening.


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## Jem1978

Hi Bubbs.

This is my first time back on for a few weeks (trying not too obsess on here !) That's very exciting news that you are starting DR!! So is this your test cycle or for real? Zita West book states that studies have showed no complications if unknowingly pregnant whilst DR. So when will it mean you have EC?

Good luck with it all. I just wasn't ready for the IVF last month. I am trying to relax but i know i am ovulating either yesterday or day before so I have been getting stressed out timing. So annoyed that i can't forget it all and just leave be for 2 months and enjoy life. I'm trying very hard 

Keep me posted on how you are going. I will nip in from time to time to check.

How about you Marie or chicksmum? Have you started as yet?

Jem xx


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## Bubblicious

Jem,

It's a real cycle.  Thanks for the info from Zita West's book.  It makes me feel better.  I tested this morning just in case with an early response one and it's a BFN but I will test again over the next few days just in case.  I hope you get that natural BFP before you're about to start ... it does happen.

All the best,
Bubbs


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## flower31

Hey ladies

I to have a DS who is my little angel, but I never thought (aged 27) at the time that having another child would be so damn hard!
I had a bad infection in 2003 (burst cyst), which we have now discovered has badly damaged my tubes. I had every test under the sun last year and just recovered from a laparoscopy. I guess I was hoping the dr would say all fixed and off you go, but that was not the case. I think I cried for about 3 days and felt as low as you can get  .

We have been advised to for IVF as I am not getting any younger (36). My partner is trying to understand but I think about having another child every single day. All i see is pregnant woman on the road, tube etc and I think I am slowly going mental about this  .

My dr said to remain positive, and that he is v sure that IVF will work (as everything else is working very well)!

Has anyone just been told they need IVF - and where shall I go, I hear ARGC is very good and we are in London so easy to get to

I wish you all well and sending lots of baby dust


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## Bubblicious

Hello Flower,

So sorry that you are also struggling. We're having IVF at ARGC this month so if you have any q's, let me know.

We've been told that it could still happen naturally for us [perhaps] but also that the biological clock is ticking so if we wanted IVF then not to put it off too long. So we're going for it!

Good luck whatever you decide!


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## Jem1978

Hi ladies

Flower-Have you decided where to have treatment as yet? The ARGC is supposed to be good- I'm sure Bubbs will have some first hand experience to give you now if you still haven't decided. I know what you mean about thinking about it everyday- it is enough to drive you nearly insane. Fingers crossed for all of us struggling it will be our turn next.

Bubbs, Hows DR going? Have you had many side effects? Here if you need anything. 

Jem xx


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## Bubblicious

Hello All,

Just to let you know, I abandoned this cycle as I have been DR for four weeks but my LH is too high and it is getting too close to my sister's wedding.  The whole IVF and potentially misisng my sister's wedding put so much pressure on me, I felt like I was going to have a breakdown so I had to take something out of the equation and we are hoping to start again soon.  Hope everyone is okay.  All the best, Bubbs xx


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## aquapinkdog

Hi Bubbs,
I'd been wondering how you were getting on. 
How are you feeling now?
When do you think you will start again?

We have DH's sperm test on saturday and get the results monday. I am absolutely freaking in case it the results haven't got any better. Having said that I just want to know now. We had an appt with a satellite clinic of the Lister last week, and if the worst happens, I'm pretty certain that's who we are going to use.

Typically hubby is away this week, until Friday, right over my 'peak'. Gutted.

Keep us updated on what's happening, and enjoy your sisters wedding.

Fx



Bubblicious said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Just to let you know, I abandoned this cycle as I have been DR for four weeks but my LH is too high and it is getting too close to my sister's wedding. The whole IVF and potentially misisng my sister's wedding put so much pressure on me, I felt like I was going to have a breakdown so I had to take something out of the equation and we are hoping to start again soon. Hope everyone is okay. All the best, Bubbs xx


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## Bubblicious

Hey Aquapinkdog,

I'm hoping to start again this cycle so should start DR not long after my sister's wedding if AF arrives within the next week or so.  I'm not sure what being partly down-regged would have done to my though.  When AF arrives, I will need to have CD2-3 cloods to check that everything is in order then I can start again.  We could be cycle buddies ... unless you're wrong and your DH is not away around this peak time and you are lucky enough to get that natural BFP before IVF.  Either way, I wish you luck.  Keep in touch.


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## aquapinkdog

Hiya Bubbs,
I have the CBFM and got my peak today. He went on Saturday and isn't back until Fri (and can't do anything then cos he's got his SA on Sat anyway).

Good luck for this cycle, and enjoy your sisters wedding. 

Take care.
Fx


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## Jem1978

Hi All

Just checked in for a quick hello and to see how you were all doing. Bubbs Sorry to hear you had to abandon the first attempt but it sounds like it was the right thing to do for you. I hope you have a lovely wedding celebration with your Sister.

Aquapinkdog, Isn't always the way!!On my peak days something usually go wrong (ill, husband late and knackered). I have given up with my CBFM now as it hasn't given me any miracles over the last 26months!

Good luck all. My time is drawing closer. I await this F and i will then start DR on CD21- eaakkkk!

J xx


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## marie57

Hi all just to say I have started IVF I am on the short protocol.Im going for 3rd scan tommoro last scan showed 10 follicles one at 7mm think they have to get to 18mm so ive been drinking non stop and eating protein as this apparently makes them grow!Hope you are all ok bubbs have you started again yet ? Good luck to all xx


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## loopskig

Good luck ladies who have plucked up the courage to get on with your IVF cycles.

DH not up for much discussion (head firmly in the sand on this one) but I think when I can get him to speak to me we'll aim for IVF/ICSI next summer. Part of me is naively hoping for a natural and highly unlikely BFP in the meantime.

I have 4 very close friends due to have their 2nd babies in Sept/Oct this year so my darling boy is of course regularly asking what we are going to call HIS baby brother/sister. Its only when Joe expresses an interest that I really feel like I'm falling apart. Day-to-day I like to think I'm coping OK. I've settled on my response 'I'm trying my best darling, hopefully you'll have a bro/sis one day but in the meantime you'll just have to play with me!'. He laughs and pulls a face at that and now tells me himself 'Mummy you'll do your best but I suppose I can make do with just you for now!'
I'm not sure if he's a perfect angel or 100% ratbag. Its helping me to make a joke of it with him as I certainly don't want him to be mopping up the tears.

Re: absent fathers when it matters - DH is off on a stag do when I'm next due to ovulate (although blood tests show I probably don't anyway). RIDING A BIKE to Paris. Of course I want him to enjoy himself so he'll be 'allowed' to have a few beers to celebrate. Expect he'll need a hot bath to recover aching muscles. May as well have 12 espressos while he's at it. Seems he's been reading Zita West and deciding to do the exact opposite!! Ha ha see how I'm making jokes and not at all furious  

Very best of luck to you all,
Loops xxx x x


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## Jem1978

Thanks Loops

Has your DH been on the roadtrip yet? Your post did make me laugh  .

I will have similar fun trying to get DH to stop alcohol through IVF. He has said he will reduce but not stop.I actually agree that stopping it for him would be a bad thing... his cortisol levels would be through the roof and that's never good for sperm production. Luckily he is fine it's just me who is wonky. Come ovaries! Get yourself straight and fire me out as many eggs as you can  

J x


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## criverisland

Hiya hun,

Your not alone and defo not being silly. This process is huge and i dont think anyone really understands unless they are going through it or have been through it. Just take each day as it comes and try not to think ahead to much. Im due to start ICSI november 16th so know exactly how your feeling. Theres so much info to take in that can stress you out on its own. Its really important to not get too stressed out as that could affect your treatment. Take time out for yourself, and try and talk to your partner about how your feeling. I get really scared at times and really upset but thats just all part of the process. keep reading some of the posts on here it helps. 

Claire


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