# New home for daily messages!



## emilycaitlin

Sorry I haven't been organised, welcome to the new, less pages, home!!!

kelway
linchick  
sarylou  
suszy    
keira      
maz      
gabrielle  
Honeyprincess  
TC2          
pip34        
pand        
kazvan      
emmyloupink  
jakesmum      
lainey lou        
kitty                
jo                    
sazz              
drownedgirl      
mrs chaos        
missyb                
Debbie1810          
bel                      
cinders                
clairead                
hollie22  
clairead          
bek
ba
dizzyloo
nanook 
whippet
moominemma
Lainey2
faithfullyhoping
tuck
bubblicious
Wendeth
lawsy
jobo5572


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## lyndalou

Me first


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## bubblicous

hey ladies

im home woohoo so good to be back home was a great holiday though the kids had a brill time and the country air did us all good 

ayway just read all the posts i missed dear god i missed loads hugs to you all though missed you all millions

wellcome to lady moonlight -   

ffh - hey babes how are u   

tuck   

pand -   

missy - missing u   

emma - how are you chick   

anyone ive missed sorry it wasnt meant    

well as for me in cd 20 so on the old 2ww this may be my last cycle of clomid will find out when i go back to the hospital which is in 13 days im actually really scared about going scared of what she may say to me im petrified that she tells us ivf is our only option now as i know we could never afford it but im not ready yet to give up on our dream

well anyways we manged some bms whilst away we deff did it on day i ov'd so lets hope that the country air gave the little    a wee boost and my lovely eggie recieved them well

well i best go as im shattered hug to all


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi everyone,

Please can I join you all? I've not been posting long here, but have been on June/July cycle buddies until now.

I've just had ICSI and and AF has started so we are expecting bfn to be confirmed tomorrow at hospital  .  I'm very very disappointed and it feels very sore, and for my dh too, but on the other hand I know we would have been very lucky for it to be bfn first time and that hopefully we can somehow scramble the money together to do it again when ready. Is anyone able to tell me anything about experiences of when to go for it again.

I've also read Tuck's message re. friends having babies and I just want to say, please don't feel awful that you feel that way.  I, like I'm sure loads of people on here, totallly understand how you feel and it is natural.  I used to feel more like that, but it's got a bit better as we watch our daughter flourish (though she asks for a brother or sister still quite regularly   ) and do so well on her own.  She has a confidence and independence which I do honestly believe these circumstances have given her, apart from her own lovely personality too.

I desperately want another though, so I'm not trying to brush your feelings away of wanting a companion for your little boy at all.  But I have got a lot calmer about the age gap.  I don't know your age and although I am 32, my dh will be 44 this summer so he feels he doesn't want to leave it too long, especially as it's mf as far as we can see.

This has rambled, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel.  I even find my own sister's baby no. 2 hard to link up with and that seems very sad too, especially as he's my godson.  He's adorable and I'm so thankful he's here, but he also brings me some pain and I can't help that.

Keep believing... 

Take care, Clare X


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## emilycaitlin

Hi Clare, welcome to the thread.  I'm sorry about your bfn, you never know, there is a chance it could be implantation?  You will find lots of support here from people feeling exactly as you do, we are on each day usually.


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## cinders35

Hello everyone!

Welcome Claire, (Beautiful name Talitha  )
I'm so sorry to hear that you are expecting a bfn today. It's so hard to have all your hopes built up during the cycle, they don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing! We are here if you need us  .

Tuck, oh sweetheart, your post touched me so much, I could have written them myself in the past. Your emotional pain is palpable, I only wish I could tell you when it is going to feel better, but we are all so different.   I just hope that knowing that we are out here, understanding it ALL helps you through those difficult times. You are being so brave, and such a FANTASTIC mother for putting yourself through this for ds sake. Having said that, if on some occasions you feel like it is too much for you, then decline the odd invitation. It's ok to think about you too.  

Bubbs, glad you had a nice holiday.  

Lyndalou, undestand your need for some time out. Glad you are starting to feel up to posting again.  

Emilycaitlin. hope you are ok, and surviving the chuck up days! It'll be worth it  .

Faithful, hope you are feeling better now. Hope it will be worth it  .

Lainey my sweet, can just picture you, not quite sure if you are Thelma or Louise, about to drive off the canyon !!  Seriously, don't do that! 
There is still hope with the DHEA Lainey, it might just do the trick. I for one am praying  . You are so brave, and so luuuvvvvvly.  

Suszy hun, how you doing? Made any decisions about cycle? Think Lainey right, only you can decide. But we will be here to hold your hand  .

My lovely Pand, where are you? Busy at school probably. Dd's teachers are looking pretty tired too! When does the clomid commence? Thank's for being a star!  

Missyb, thank's for your lovely txts  

Jobo, how you feeling? You bit too quiet  .

Dustyrose, welcome back hun.  

Who said they had been on a Mark warner hol to Greece? We've been to San Agostino, and Lakitira since having dd? My fav was San Ag. Fab hol!

I have forgotten the other posts from the other thread now, sorry  .

Big   and sorry, I know there's loads I haven't mentioned!

Ok . Listen you guys, I really don't know how to tell you this. But here goes. I have got a bfp. 
Obviously it is a COMPLETE shock. We have been ttc for 4 years & 8 months, with 3 xIVF and a m/c. The m/c was only 24th april. I had one af after that, and then when the next af was late I just thought it was because my cycles were still messed up after the m/c. I didn't really want to test, because I have seen enough bfn sticks to last a lifetime thankyou very much! But I needed to be 100% sure I wasn't pg, so that I could take my prolactin medication (it is contraindicated in pg). So 9 days late I tested. I didn't even mention to dp I was testing, he was at work! That's how convinced I was it was just my cycles messed up! Anyhow, it was like a dream come true, what we all long for, a +ve. I felt pure joy for about 20 seconds, and then a dark cloud came over me, as the memory of m/c is still so raw. 
Don't get me wrong, I am so very very blessed and grateful to have this chance, after all this time, but I am so very scared that it will be taken away again. I am not alowing myself to make plans for this potential bubba, I am thinking of it as a pregnancy, but not as a brother or sister for dd. I am telling myself every day that if it doesn't work out, we will be ok, just the three of us. Self preservation has kicked in. 
I really don't want to come accross as ungrateful, as clearly I am very lucky, and so very blessed to have a bfp, but to get a bfp only 8 weeks after the m/c is a blessing if it works out, but if it doesn't could be too much to bare  !
I feel guilty coming on here with a shock bfp, like I have betrayed you guys. 

Lyndalou, I hope it doesn't hurt to much. 

Lainey, so soon after your bfn, I can't tell you how guilty I have felt  . 

We have decided to try and treat it like a 'normal' pregnancy, unless I have any untoward signs, So no early scans or anything, just hope to keep our heads down and wait for the 12 week scan. I don't really feel pg, I long for some nausea, but nothing. But I only had tiredness when pg with dd, so trying my best (though mostly failing!) not to over analyse everything.
I have had some af type twinges, but we all know they can be an ok sign. I have had   the runs last sunday, and some pains after that, but THINK they were bowel related as opposed to gynae. 

I have known for just over a week now, sorry I kept it to myself, but was SO shocked needed to absorb it before telling you. I have already told some of you, who have become my 'real life' friends, as well as on here! Thankyou for being so lovely about it  .
So listen guys, I needed to tell you, because you are going to be the first people I turn to if it all goes a bit pete tong! We have decided to not tell anyone in the 'real' world, until     after our first scan, maybe even later!
Our Infertility has been an open forum for discussion amongst friends and family for at least a couple of years now, it is nice to grab some privacy back, hopefully our friends and family won't have to suffer the 'worry' time with us.

They say you are super fertile after a m/c. For me it appears to be true!
I think there are two factors involved in me getting a bfp now, after all this time. The lap & dye last nov (endo treated) and the m/c.

Please don't get loads of smilies and congrats out for me, I'm too scared. 
But if we make it as far as 12 weeks with good news, then you can throw the lot at me, with bells on.
Untill then, one day at a time...

Thank's for everything

Cindersxxx


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi Cinders,

Thanks for welcoming me   . We had a good appointment this morning, it was the expected bfn and I was very tearful but we were able to talk to the embryologist about what we can think about for the next cycle give the experience of this one. 

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for the next 8 weeks, I'm so sorry to read what you've had to go through so recently and hope that the next few weeks and months especially are happy and healthy. 

Love Clare xx


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## jobo5572

Hello ladies

Sorry I've been AWOL for a bit...trying to get my head around things and am still feeling pretty low, though the happy pills finally seem to making a slight difference.  Have been off work for 4 and a half weeks now and the current sick note runs out next Wednesday so I may return to work.  Have recently been offered a job I went for (the day you texted me Cinders !) which is a lot closer to the one I am currently doing so a big sigh of relief.....at least one thing in my life is going right.  

As for the SIF - well, I'm sick to ruddy death of it.  Nasty witchy poo AF   got me last night, 2 (well, nearly 3) days late, the *****  .  I don't know why I allowed myself to do it, but yet again this month I was stupidly thinking "this could be my month".  But then things had been different.  I didn't get the usual monthly zit so thought that was a good sign, and I wasn't getting AF pains as soon as I normally do, so I thought that was a good sign too.  As soon as AF pains arrived last weekend I was still somehow pretending to myself that they weren't there - dopey cow.  I even saw 2 magpies together the other day which is a first - normally I see one for sorrow - story of my life.  On Monday one of my uncles died, and even that got me thinking that, similar to what you said Dustyrose, I thought perhaps a new life would be formed out of the one I'd just lost.  How stupid am I ?!    .  I also stupidly thought that as my appointment with my consultant to progress with IVF is coming up on Monday that miraculously I'd be pg and not have to attend it.  I hate myself for being such a stupid *****.  It's no wonder I'm losing the plot.

Had a really horrible comment from an old "friend" (and I use that term loosely) this week.  It's someone that was in my NCT group of 5 when I was pg with DS.  Whilst they all went on to have no.2 about 2 years ago, they all still meet regularly and of course I am no longer invited along...I have to say partly due to me not wanting to meet with them when there were either pg bellies or newborns around so maybe they just stopped bothering to ask.  Anyway, a friend of mine (who also knows the wench in question) bumped into said person this week and a comment was made that I don't bother to keep in touch any more.  I decided to email this person to say hello and to see how things were going and to explain the SIF and why 2 years ago when there were pg bellies and babies around I found it hard and have found it hard at subsequent meetings (of which I haven't been invited to one for over 12 months).  Her response was something along the lines of "don't use that emotional blackmail with me as it doesn't wash" !!!!!!!!!!  What a pleasant person !  Needless to say I am NOT gutted in any way, shape or form that I am no longer in touch with this insensitive cow.

Anyway, enough of me, you poor ladies !

Lyndalou - good to see you back again.  I hope you're OK.  

FFH - hope you're starting to feel better after the lap.  I remember having 2 weeks off work after my lap as I was still in a bit of pain but other than that recovery was pretty straight forward.  Hope it's right what people are saying about being more fertile after the lap !  Best of luck to you !  

Suzsy - hi hun, how are you ?  Have you come to any decisions about the tx cycle ?  I've not been through any myself just yet but you must decide what is best for you.  We're behind you whatever you decide to go for.  Wishing you lots of        

Pand - how're you doing hun ?  Hope you don't need to take the nasty Clomid and the witch stays away for you this month.  If you do need it I wish you the very best of luck and               

Emma - hope you are ok.  

Bubbs - glad you had a good holiday.       for your 2WW on round 6 !

Talitha - welcome to the thread !!!  I am so sorry to hear of your BFN after tx.  Don't give up.  This lot are a really friendly bunch if you need support.     

Emilycaitlin - hope the morning sickness isn't too bad.  Just think of the end result after 9 months !!  It will be more than worth it !  

Cinders - again hun, many congratulations, though I won't make a big song and dance of it as you have asked.  Thanks again so much for the lovely way you broke the news on your PM.  I have to say though, this pg announcement wasn't like all the others (aside from this website I mean) - you soooooooo derserve it hun, you really do.  All the        and   in the world to you !

Tuck - sorry to hear of your friends having babies...as you'll see from above, all my NCt friends did that 2 years ago, plus other mums of DS's friends have all done the same, and some have even had no.3.  It's been incredibly tough but I have certainly found from the lot of them who my real friends are.  I don't expect anyone to stop having babies just because they're a friend of mine and I can't have one, but there are some who treat the situation with sensitivity and some that don't, as like the wench I wrote about above.  It is so hard though as friends all go on to have further children.  I also completely understand what you mean about still wanting to meet up for your only child's sake - I have said the same to many a friend when they ask how I do it.  I don't want to deny DS seeing his friends just cos I feel terrible around people with bumps and babies, and he needs that company as he doesn't have sibling.  We're all here for you    

Dustyrose - sorry to hear AF arrived for you too at such an unopportune moment.  Someone needs to get this baseball bat   to actually work on the ***** and we can wipe her out !!!!

angel83 - how are you ?

Lainey - how are you doing hun ?  I hope you're OK.

WBG - are you ok ?

Sorry to anyone I've missed.  I have a little man shouting at me to make tea so I must be off.  Sorry to moan on a bit at the beginning but I am just so fed up that AF reared her ugly head.  It's just not fair


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## cinders35

So good to hear from you Jo,
you are far from silly, with those symptoms most of us would have been testing at 3 days late hun, no wonder you had your hopes up! So sorry that you had to face that stooooopid af  .
Not long till the appointment for IVF, try and see it as a positive step on your journey. A means to an end.  
What a silly woman that 'wench' you mentioned!! If she ever realises, she'll be very embarrassed about how she has treated you. With friends like those...glad you not loosing sleep over that one!
Congratulations on the job Jo, you should be very proud of yourself  . Tell us bit more... 

Claire,
Hold on in there hun. Be kind to yourselves for a while and give yourselves time to recover. You are doing so well being so positive so soon. You are right though, they do learn lot's about you after your first cycle. Until your next cycle, try and remember to enjoy life, it will save your sanity  .

Off out to see Mama Mia tonight,

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


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## emilycaitlin

Cinders - Excellent news hun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Well done!!!


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## whippet

Cinders have a low key congratulations from me

lyndalou lovely to hear from you honey

whippet x


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## tuck

hello all

Cinders, thank you for your lovely words.  And a whispered Congratulations to you, a natural bfp too? after all you've been through - amazing!  It is really great how things are turning round for a few of us on here..it certainly gives me hope.   for those that are struggling at the mo, we all understand but who knows what is around the corner. And cinders hon i know you must be scared but you have no reason other than to treat this as a normal pregnancy and heres looking forward to that 12 week scan  .

Hi to everyone else and i hope you are having a good weekend, we've just been to a 4th bday party which was really great ds enjoyed himself and loves his spider man mask.

Love to all

Tuckxxx


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## Pand

Hi everyone!

I'm here for my usual weekend catch up!

Personals first:

Jo - Thanks for a lovely morning.  Sorry it was sort of cut short.  BIL and SIL are ok.  Will keep you updated.

Lyndalou - So lovely to have you back hun.  How are you doing?  You had any counselling?  PM me if you ever want to chat.

Cinders - Well sweetie, a very subdued and terrified congratulations to you chick.  Am always here for you, even when the rollercoaster gets really rickety... you know that.  Let's keep screaming together.

Tuck - Glad ds enjoyed his party.  How you doing in yourself?  What's your battle plan at the moment?

Whippet - It's good to see you are still lurking on the board!!!!!  Don't keep it to yourself, chick, let us know how you are.  We are all routing for you!

EmilyCaitlin - Ditto above!!!

Talitha - Hun, you sound so brave.  A negative cycle is a horrendously difficult thing to deal with and some liken it to a kind of loss.  Keep up that lovely positive attitude and don't be afraid to let it all hang out on here.  I was a mess after mine, so I'm hugely impressed with how you are!  

Lainey-lou - You're very quiet chick.  How are you doing?  

Bubs - Hope the fresh air has done the trick.  I can understand how scared you are of having to do IVF, not least of all because of the cost.  But if you do ever reach that stage the actual process itself is okay and we will get you through it.  Fingers crossed you won't need it though.

Suzy -  How are you chicken?  Have you put off tx or are you going to go for it.  We seem to keep missing each other on here at the moment!!!

Hi to WBG, FFH, Dusty Rose, Missyb (I know you're still out there!), Emma, Angel and anyone else I've missed!!

Just a quick update from  me.  I am now on day two of the evil clomid (100mg) so far so good, but I'm terrified of what it's going to feel like when I ovulate.  It was agony last year when I had the hydro, but I'm hoping it was just the cyst.  Got my first tracking scan on Friday morning, so at least I will have some idea of what's going on in there, cos to be honest, my AF has been so light this month I'm still not convinced I am ovulating and given my poor response during IVF I think I am rapidly running out of time.

Had some bad news this morning too.  BIL rang up to say my SIL was miscarrying.  They didn't realise they were pregnant, but given the symptoms it sounds like it is an early mc.  They are okay I think as they didn't have time to get their hopes up.  But you know what.  I hate myself.  I feel almost relieved.  I feel awful for them I really do.  They don't deserve any more heartache and have been through so much themselves, but if this pregnancy had continue their baby would have been a carbon copy of the one I miscarried in September and the baby would have been due the same time.  Plus I'm not ready for them to have another one.  Their little boy is only one.  Mine is five and half.  It's so selfish and heartless but I can't help feeling like it should be my turn first. What a horrible person I have become.  I can't believe that these dark thoughts even come into my head.  I love them both to bits and want them to be happy, but the prospect of having to watch them get pregnant and have more children when I can't fills me with dread.  I can't believe I'm saying these things, I really can't.  It's not me.  I hate what IF has done to me.  

Anyway that's all for now.  Will catch up again probably next weekend.  Hope everyone has a good week.

Lots of love

Pand


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## jobo5572

Pand

Thank _you _ for a lovely morning and the chocolate hob nobs ! I thought we'd better leave when we did due to the bad news as I thought you and DH would like some time together without me and DS interrupting. I'm sorry but I couldn't quite gauge how you were feeling about the whole thing. I couldn't even work out for myself all the way home as to whether I should be feeling sorry for your BIL and SIL as well as you having had a "sort of" pg announcement so out of the blue and like you said, so soon after their DS and a carbon copy of the baby you lost last year - but then I don't know them and I know you. Much as their news is devastating, my main concern is you. You are not awful for saying what you said in your post - of course it is terrible for BIL&SIL and you want them to be happy, but you do have to think about yourself too and you cannot ignore the feelings you have. It is so hard when we've all been trying for so long and those close to us seem to fall pg like it's going out of fashion. I was exactly the same when my sister announced her second pregnancy a year after their DS was born, and he is a year younger than my DS. I wanted to be the first to announce a 2nd child as I'd been trying longer and I felt like it wasn't fair. I think more so because my sister and BIL are such selfish people who put themselves before anyone (including their children), and have even had (by their own admittance) both children in the summer so that it doesn't clash with the football season......oh to have the luxury of deciding when to have a child ! Oh, lets just have BMS and make a baby......hey presto we did it. Hrmph !

Anyway, just wanted to say Pand that you are an absolutely fantastically lovely and wonderful person and you mustn't beat yourself up about thoughts on BIL&SIL. Thank you so much for all your advice this morning re: IVF and my appointment tomorrow. I don't know where I'd be without you       

Hi to everyone else and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Jo


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## Pand

Jo,

Thanks so much hun.  You have been such a good friend.  Just to update you, SIL did a test and it turned out negative, so we're not sure what is going on now.  Still don't feel very good about myself, but there you go.  I really do hope that they have their next one, I just wish I could have another too.  

Love to everyone,

Pand


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## cinders35

Hey Pand,

I'm sorry to hear your SIL having some problems  . 
You are such a lovely person Pand, that is why you are struggling with these conflicting emotions. I too have thought mean, uncharacteristic thoughts about friends and family. I have wondered what evil witch I am turning in to?! But it's exactly like you say, our frustration lies in the fact that we are seemingly unable to achieve what so many seem so easily to do, and take for granted. (Though I know BIL&SIL have been through the mill themselves, so they won't take for granted.) Not sure I am making sense, but what I'm trying, in a roundabout way, is...
You are not a bad person, infact you are total opposite   !
It's not your fault you feel these things, but it's the situation you find yourself in.
We understand.
We love you  .

Thankyou everyone for your quiet congrats, still not believing it. No symtoms, just odd niggles.

Love

Cindersxxx


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## faithfullyhoping

Golly it has been busy over the weekend! I need to have another read through as i skim read to try to catch up.
But just wanted to say

Cinders - I know you must be scared, but congratulations on achieving a bfp. I really hope it snuggles in tight and we can all go overboard with our congrats in a few weeks time.    Also try not to worry about lack of symptoms, the people that I know who haven't had nausea with their first pregnancy haven't had it for subsequent ones either. 

Will be back on to catch up properly later, but must get on.

Faithful x


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## SUSZY

Hi girls hope you are all ok, just caught up so have come back to top with my update. just to let you know i did not start my injections today. dh and i had a chat not sure if thats what i put the other day but he agreed and suggested i wait 2 months so i am either going to start d/ring around 11 Aug or it will be around 9th sep depending on my cycle and we are going to try some serious bms in the meantime not that i believe it will work with my eggs.  i am confused at myself as we have signed the forms and paid the money and usually i am so keen to get going and if this was the hospitals delay i would be frustrated.  However I am beginning to think that perhaps the 2 week closure for cleaning was a sign and trying to squeeze another cycle in just before was not the right thing to do.  i am the heavies i have ever been and need to knock some weight off, this way i can enjoy a glass of wine in Somerset/Scotland/Devon and Cumbria without having to take lots of drugs with me and I will be able to enjoy my last summer of hope or freedom and will leave it til fate. i also think it will give me something to look forward to in Sep and really focus on so am feeling quite positive about that. As I say i am still confused as to why I am feeling like this but I have to go with my feelings.
still feel very tired and have been watching bb most nights and going to bed a bit earlier than normal - want to spend the time before I start eating better and even if I have a glass or two of wine and a bit of choc just not go too mad.
anyone else cycling in sep ? we will be cycle buddies and thinking about it I started d/ring in Sep last year but it will be much earlier and i wont be d ring for so long- take care 
now to personals

tuck  my heart goes out to you sweetheart and I do so feel for you, i remember exactly how it feels and still feels as some of my lot are still churning out baby no 3 some unplanned and I have to sit there and watch them breast feed and fuss over them AGAIN - its so hard and i would like to say it gets easier and it does a little but its still incredibly painful and is only eased if the mums themselves are a little bit kind but most of them are completely obilivious.  I dont know what to say to you other than we are here for you and we do know how it feels and if it helps just keep venting on here.  its not the first time I have said this but i jsut wish we lived closer together so we could help each other through these hard times.  Thinking of you and sending you lots of love as ever

cinders hope you are ok sweetheart many congratulations and i so understand how you are feeling and will keep my fingers crossed for you.  i think you put it so well in your message and think its so lovely that you have shared it with us of course you know we can be quiet about it but thousands could be reading our posts!! but i know what you mean, when I did anything through my tx all i wanted to do was come back and post it on here.  i am sure this will be the one for you and i will keep everything crossed. your msg brought tears to my eyes, have been feeling very teary today though.

lainey - thinking of you as ever hope you are feeling ok - its so hard sweetheart but we are all here for you

pand - so sorry about sil etc and dont feel guilty for your thoughts - they are very understandable they really are and the last thing you needed was a constant reminder. good luck on the clommid - we are here for you as we all know its the tablet from hell but it might work. wishing you luck and enjoy the last week bet you are looking forward to the hols.  we have a few teachers and tas leaving as well as three kids from his class but he is getting a male teacher for half a week in year 2 which i am pleased about.  really do hope to meet up with you sometime and the others.

jobo hope you are ok and that your appt went well - bit jealous of you and pand meeting up just wish we all lived closer it would be so lovely to meet up more often with you.  we are all here for you and wish you luck in everything.  just read your longer post and like i have said above to tuck i just dont think some of them can be sensitive , as its not happened to them they have no idea of the constant pain and to be honest i wish i had know you guys four years ago as i would have felt a lot better.  it is normal to feel what we feel and i just wish people would allow us a bit more for the pain we have been through i really do.  One thing i try to remind myself about is that we did not chose them as friends so perhaps some of them are not the friends we thought they were and we do have each other! sending you lots of love and cuddles and as i say i hope your appt went well today.

ffh- thinking of you as ever - know what you mean about catching up!

dustyrose hope you are doing ok

angel83 thanks for your advice

wbg hope you are ok

emma how are you - thinking of you

talitha welcome to you and sorry about your negative cycle - i thought your post was lovely and so well put and I think you are right that even though it still hurts its got better and we do have such wonderful indiv and indep children who seem very caring as they have not had to share so much!

whippet - hope you are doing ok, thinking of you and wishing you all the best

lyndalou thinking of you as ever

missby we are missing you honey but do understand pretty sure you said you might be starting in sep (we might be cycle buddies !)

bubb - glad you had a good hol and good luck with everything

honeyprincess and Gab how are you and what are you up to

nanook - not sure if you on line yet must text you again

wendeth - know you are up to your eyes in it with house move and DE just wanted to say thinking of you

mrs chaos hope you are ok not sure if you come back on here much
dizzylou hope you are ok

love to everyone else
susie


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Right I'm back! Here goes with the personals, I really hope i don't miss anyone out, apologies if i do.

Pand - Don't feel bad for your feelings, I'm sure most of us on here would have felt exactly the same. I remember when I found out my sister was expecting her 3rd I felt my heart sink to my feet and wondered how on earth I was going to get through it. If she'd phoned me to say she was miscarrying I hate to say it but I'm sure I would have felt some sense of relief too. It's just what IF does to us, don't feel ashamed. My acupuncturist said that I would have to be statuesque not to be affected by it - I'm sure he would say the same to you too. Deep down we don't want people to suffer as we have, but I often wish that my sister could just have had a taste of what i've been going through for the past 4 years so that she could understand a little. I hope everything works out alright for your SIL and you manage to find a comfortable way of dealing with it.  


Jobo - Hope your appointment went well today, I'm sorry the wicked witch played nasty tricks on you. If I was 3 days late I can't imagine what I'd be thinking - I'm never more than a day late! Don't beat yourself up about it, I hope you can feel positive about your ivf instead.

Talitha - welcome to the thread. Some friends of ours have a daughter called Talitha! I'm sorry about your negative cycle. I hope they are able to learn something from it and that the next one will be a big fat bfp. You sound very positive, keep it up!

Bubbs - welcome back, glad you had a good break. Really hope this cycle is the one for you so that you don't have to go to that appointment. I completely understand why you are scared about what consultant is going to say, I was terrified after my failed iuis, but he managed to find something positive for me to try so you never know!


Tuck - sorry about all of the babies that your friends keep popping out, it is so hard. I've found that now dd is at school my circle of close friends has changed so I manage to avoid most of the baby talk. I'm dreading any of my friends that I do see regularly having any more, my one friend in particular has only got one and he'll be 2 in october. I'm suspecting that number 2 will be on the way not long after - although they did have 2 miscarriages before they had him so she does understand how I feel fortunately. We all know how you feel, but as suzsy said, look after yourself if you need to. There's no harm in turning down some invitations to preserve your own emotional sanity.

emilycaitlin - hope the sickness is easing, or will ease soon! Look after yourself.

whippet - Hope you're ok too.

Cinders - Just wanted to say that you mustn't feel as though you've betrayed us because of your bfp. Personally it gives me such hope when one of us gets a bfp, especially a natural one. You and emilycaitlin are keeping my hopes up at the mo!

emma - hope you're ok.

Suzsy - I think you made the right decision in the end. I think starting tx if you didn't feel the time was right would have been a bad idea. Well done for listening to yourself. Hope you enjoy the summer and are able to look forward to starting in sept.

Lainey - Thinking of you still. How are you feeling?  

Ladymoonlight - How are you? 

missyb -    Hope you are getting some balance back and not being too obsessed with the old IF. 


WBG - How are you?

Lyndalou - Thinking of you too.  

dustyrose - Hi, how are you?

Me - Saw the consultant for my post lap check up and chat on saturday. He suggested that if we don't want to do ivf that another 3 goes at iui would give us our best chance, especially after the lap. He said that it would improve our chances of trying on our own too so we're going to do that over the summer anyway and contemplate iui again in the autumn. I got upset in the car afterwards, I'm really not sure why as he said lots of positive things. I think maybe it was because I hadn't been thinking about actually trying to conceive for a few weeks because of having the lap done, and all of a sudden it was there again. The thought of going through all the emotions of iui again isn't appealing, but now he's suggested it I feel that I ought to give it a go  . Anyway I'm going to try to enjoy the summer first and pray for a natural bfp so that I won't have to do tx again!!! Also I'm starting my new job at the end of August so tx could be a bit tricky!!

Think I should go now and stop rambling on.

Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies

Firstly, to Pand - a huge ginormous THANK YOU  for earlier          . You are an absolute star and thank you so much for coming to my rescue. So sorry to have phoned you in a blubbering heap and hope my red blotchy tear-ridden face didn't scare you too much . DH and I are going to discuss things further tomorrow.

For those of you wondering what I'm on about . Had a huge row with DH earlier following consultant appointment then he announced mid-row that he didn't want any more children and I could "go shove IVF". I was distraught and Pand (bless her) came to my rescue. Everything just went a bit Pete Tong really after the appointment which I thought had gone fairly well - basically we can sign up to IVF and will be referred immediately or I can try the nutty drug (Clomid) again for another 3 months, plus injections plus tracking to make sure things are happening properly and then if still no BFP then onto IVF. Also found out that DH's SA results have gone from 75 million last year to 16 million this year so that's a bit pants to say the least. The decision has been left up to us as to whether we start the IVF ball rolling or try naturally for a couple of months on the nutty drug. Personally I'm more inclined to go straight for IVF as I hated Clomid and quite frankly it didn't work after 8 solid months so what's another 3 going to do except prolong the agony of not getting pg whilst making me feel like sh1te ? However, there's always the slim possibility that it might work and then we could save the £3000+ we're going to have to find for IVF. I know the whole IVF process is a complete nightmare and there are many hurdles to jump/fall at and still there's no guarantees at the end even if you get that far, but I can't help thinking that I'd just like to give it a shot and then I can say that I've done it. I just feel at the moment that nothing is happening and nothing is being done to try and make it happen. I know IVF may not work and the chances are pretty slim but if I don't try I'll never know. But on the other hand, do I give the Clomid that one last chance with the injections as well - if nothing else, the injections will start to prepare me for the weeks of injections required for IVF. I am soooooooooooooooo confused ladies !!!!

What started off our row earlier was me saying I wanted to go straight for IVF and not bother with the Clomid as it made me feel so sh1te last time and also that I was sick of being poked, prodded, jabbed, scanned, investigated, looked at, put on drugs etc. etc. so why prolong the agony with Clomid ? Why not cut to the chase and get on with all the prodding, poking, jabbing, investigating, drug taking etc. of IVF instead ? I brought up the fact that DH hadn't been bothering to take his Wellman vits and knowing his SA results were so poor it wound me up even more. I have to endure all the tx and all he has to do is pop one pill once a day to try and improve his swimmers - I didn't think it was too much to ask. He had a right go at me and it turned into a blazing row about our relationship in general and how he doesn't support me in any way shape or form and hasn't helped me at all recently with being signed off with the depression/stress etc. I do so resent him for ambling along in his life without a care in the world whilst I on the other hand am run ragged sorting everything in our lives out with him not giving two hoots. He has also supposed to have been dieting etc. and hasn't bothered. It's all just as if he doesn't care or give a toss and I have been going through everything. But then he's a man and doesn't have the desperate urge to have another child. I'm not quite sure yet whether his comment about not wanting any more was just a flippant comment made in the heat of the moment or whether he means it. I sincerely hope it's not the latter. But suffice to say I was distraught, and poor Pand caught the brunt of it. Bless you Pand, you're a star.

So, I am in a state of limbo yet again. Obviously I need to sort out issues between me and DH but he is on nights so at work so that delight will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. That aside, I don't know whether to do the Clomid or go straight to IVF. Clomid would be for the next 4 months (as have missed this cycle) and/or IVF would take a couple of months to get the ball rolling and take the drugs etc. Time is a big issue for me as I feel I am getting older and older, DS is too, and I can't cope with the endless waiting as it's driving me crazy. I'm sure you all understand. I just need to know that something is being done to help. Money is an issue - we have enough to scrape one cycle but then DH keeps going on about how we'd cope with me on maternity leave (as the money put aside is for that) - I keep telling him that we need to worry about that if and when the time comes as quite frankly, IVF may not work and we won't need to worry ! Also he's not keen on spending £3K when there's no guarantee you get anything out of it.

Sorry ladies, I am aware that I am rambling. I am absolutely drained and totally knackered and just don't know what to do for the best - other than to hold a shotgun to my head and press the trigger - but then I don't own a shotgun, doh ! If any of you have any advice you can give me I'd be so grateful. I know so many of you have been down this path already so know much more than me.

Suszy - glad you've decided what to do re: tx. Enjoy your summer and hope to catch up some time  

FFH - good to hear that you can go on for more IUI if that's what you want to do. Best of luck for trying naturally in the meantime !!!! 

Pand - again, thank you hun .

Everyone else - sorry for the ramble, and good night xxx


----------



## Wendeth

hello my gorgeous 2ndry girls, sorry i am awol most of the time, i just abotu have time to post in Dorset and DE Newbies and that's about it, but I try to read up a lot - and now i have to pass a little tiny whisper of congrats to Cinders. I am terribly pleased for you my hun and hope the days pass quick to your 12 weeks scan.

Lots of hellos to Pand (  ), Suzie (thanks for leaving messages here for me!), Faithful, Tuck, ATTC, Nanock, Whippet, Bubs, Lainey, Angel, Jobo (big hug to you  what a rotten time you're having) and anyone else i've missed in my haste to say hi to all.

I started work in April so it's been all go and down regging 3 weeks ago.  We're just waiting for the 48 hrs-notice telephone call from the IVI in Barcelona to fly out for our donor eggs, all scans good and ready to go.  Just exchanged on our new house today after 9 weeks of awful stress    and waiting and constant chasing and phone calls and lots of tears, so thank god that's out of the way before I go on another 2WW - yes, moving house again during this time,  but only 1.5 miles down the road and it won't be half as stressful as DH will  be doing it all.

Lots of love to everyone. I'll try to pop in a bit more often to catch up.

Wendeth


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## LadyMoonlight

Hey girls

Hope everyone's doing well and surviving the Summer holidays. I haven't had a chance to read all the posts yet so I wil come back later when DS is napping and do some more personalised replies . . .

I've been off the board for a few days, both me and DS have been laid up in bed with a horrendous sickness bug - DF had to take 2 days off work to look after us as I literally couldn't get up!

Plus trying NOT to spend all my time crying about fertility.

Anyway can I just take a second of your time to RANT about my insensitive mother in law to be?

She's only 9 years older than me (yeah, weird I know - DF is nearly 11 years my junior and she was only 19 when she had him) and loves coming out with things like:

_"I don't know how you can even think of having kids so late, I'd finished with all five of my pregnancies before I was 29. It would have been much too late for me."

"No wonder you're having problems conceiving at your age - I'd already had a hysterectomy by then"

"Most women of your age are being sterilised not trying to have more"

"Time is against you"

"At least you've got one child"

"Never mind, you'll have some nieces and nephews I expect"

"You were lucky to have one child at your age"
_

And do you know what really pees me off - its her SON - aged 25 - that the problem lies with (very low sperm count and poor motility!) not me!!! My mum had her kids at 36 and 42 so its not unheard of in our family. Grr . . .


----------



## lainey-lou

@%$£"! £T%@ @** *@:$£ and blast

Just did an absolutely massive post, with personals to everyone and lost it  

Summary - 

Cinders - you deserve this.  Don't feel guilty.  Love ya

Susie - are you scared of this tx as it is last go?  Enjoy time off.

Pand - don't beat yourself up, you are not horrible.  Enjoy the clomid  

Jobo - I'm sure dh didn't mean it.  If £3k is put by for IVF he would have spoken out before if he didn't want another.

FFH - get on with the bms.  I am sure Cinders bfp is because of lap (she got pg with IVF after lap and pg stops endo growing so it wouldn't have grown again before her m/c).

Missy - miss ya

LM - see other thread re: insensitive comments, we all get them.  

Wendeth - good luck

EC/Whippet - how are you doing pg ladies?

Tuck  

Hi to bubbs, emma and wbg.

I am ok.  DD was 5 yesterday.  She had a great time.  Party, cinema and dinner out.  First year I wasn't sad about gap, progress maybe?

I am taking DHEA.  It's a male hormone found in women, decreases with age.  It's a natural mood enhancer so that may account for me feeling better.  Tests are showing it increases egg quality, nos and embryo nos in older women or women with premature ovarian failure, also may reduce m/c rate.  Susie - worth trying?  Four ladies on poor responders board have got pg with it.  I am going to take it for 4 months and then have another round of IVF (if not pg naturally  )

Going to post before I lose it all again  

Love you all

Lainey x


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## emilycaitlin

Lainey - am fine, thanks for asking, have my 12 weeks scan next Wednesday so just praying everything is ok.

Lady moonlight - You must be very reserved not to have slapped your mil by now, I know I would.  That comment 'at least you have got one child' is always frustrating!

Hope everyone's ok, not been posting much as don't want to upset or annoy anyone, but I've been keeping up to date with how you all are xxx

       for more 2ndry IF BFP's!!


----------



## cinders35

Hello ladies,

Thankyou for good wishes.

Please accept my apologies, as this is just a quicky to let you know I am away on hols. So don't worry! We are leaving tonight, and I still have all the hoovering to do!! Been cleaning, washing etc all day   !
Be back august, happy hols everyone!
Love and hope to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

I'm off on hols too fri pm so just thought I'd better do a little update before I go. 

Cinders - have a lovely holiday.

jobo - sorry you and DH had a bit of a ding dong.  I think these meetings with consultants can be so stressful as when there are options it's inevitable that you're going to have different opinions about which is the best way to go about things. Me and DH always seem to disagree about something when we come out! I hope you can sort it out between you and come to some agreement that makes you both happy. There are no easy answers with this IF lark.  

Lainey - that DHEA stuff sounds good, hope it does the trick for you.  I am getting on with the BMS although I think it's too late this cycle now. I'm definitely going to be trying with a vengeance next month though!!!


Emilycaitlin - All the best for the scan hun. 


Ladymoonlight - your MIL is evil - how can she say those things. Try to ignore her, it sounds like she's jealous of you for some reason - I can't think of any other reason why she would say such hurtful things to you.


Wendeth - Housemoving and IVF again! You never do things by half do you?!  Hope they both go well for you and that you get your bfp really soon.


Hi to Emma, bubbs, WBG, susie, missyb, Pand whippet, lyndalou and everyone else. Hope everyone enjoys the summer hols.

We're off to Britanny, hoping for a little sunshine, and trying to forget ttc whilst I'm there. I think it's come at just the right time after my lap, hopefully it will help me to relax and get a bit of perspective instead of doing my head in stressing about the likelihood of a bfp etc. I've been shopping and bought some nice clothes in the sale today. Now I need to sort out the house before I go!!!

Lots of love and hugs to you all

Faithful x


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## emsylou

hiya evryone, sorry i havnt been on for a while, have been "on one again" as hubby would say, have been feeling realy down, and just dont want to do anything feel like all of my energy has been drained from me, and i have been very emotional, i have booked an appt at the docs for monday because im worried that i have been feeling so down.
Well i just thought id pop in and say a quick hello because i have been missing you all, and will catch up later.
xxx


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## dustyrose

Hi to all FF,

For some reason I haven't been getting notices on my email on latest posts so its been a good week of getting nothing and thinking its been very quiet--but lots has been happening. It sounds like so many of us are down at the moment. 

Emma thinking of you and hoping that the sadness lifts.  

Jobo--Im angry for you that Af reared her ugly head and messed with your emotions like that. I really empathise with getting fed up with thinking so positively to only get let down. Don't let it get the better of you. Yeah, circle of Life. Total BS as far as Im concerned. Im sorry it let you down too. Its just not fair. !!!!   And as far as the rows with Dh, I can relate. Just last night we were up until 3am having a seriously depressing one. The words divorce, enough, and unfair were used in at least every other sentence for us. Today its been puffy eyes, exhaustion and internet shopping . Feels like crap when SI gets the better of our relationships. Im thinking of you and hope your weekend brings Honesty, resolution and compromise.

Welcome bluebean & talitha!

Bubbs, glad to hear your hols were great. How are you?

Suszy, decisions decisions huh. I wish you the best when you start treatment. I really empathise. We are also weighing up the pros and cons of starting the IVF journey and I feel its just more than I bargained for! If we do then we may be starting in Sept too. Will let you know. Im completely scared!!!!

Hi Lainey, Lady Moonlight, how are you?

Whippet--how are you feeling?

FFH, hope you feel all recovered from lap and the next few months brings you the BFP you deserve.

Pand, how are you feeling? Is the clomid having any nasty effects? I wish you lots and lots of  

Cinders, your post made me really emotional. You seem like such an thoughtful, humble, and inspiring woman. A whisper of congratulations to you and DH. Will be praying for you. 

EC--good luck on your scan. 

Im sorry if I have missed anyone out--promise not intentional but I say hello and hope you are thinking TGIF today!

Ladies, Im not doing too well. I have started looking after a 10 mth old baby girl and a little boy my DD age. Its keeping me busy and helping to keep the broodiness at bay--but one aspect of the job has made me start to feel a bit sad. My DD absolutely loves the little girl, I mean ADORES her--and now is starting to tell me that she would like to have a little sister. These words are a first of me and come at a time when it just feels like its all too much. After my first 'birthing experience'  two weeks ago as previously mentioned, the last of my three best friends has given birth this week--yes Im so happy for them all but its been really hard on me. I don't feel like crying sad but Im very irritable and thinking so negative and swearing a lot. My Dh and I are NOT connecting (in more ways than one ha ha ha) and I just feel like total utter CR*P!!!!!!!!!!

You guys may hate me for saying this but my anger doesn't stem from not having another baby--at the moment Im in one of those selfish 'want to drink, smoke and throw away prenatals' kind of moods-- not yearning for another even tough they are so lovely and cute and gorgeous--its for the fact that the choice has been taking from me. My body or my husband and I's bodies together are not working and it ****** sucks. Why me? Why us? Haven't we been through enough? 

I feel like Im a timebomb lately.
SPEAKING OF CIRCLE OF LIFE BULL Poo-I was at a baby shower last Saturday and do you know I had to sit there and listen to my friends go on about how in death comes birth because two sisters both fell preggo after losing their dad and in my head I was chanting so I wouldn't start shouting at them to just SHUT the Heck up! I did say, "Im sorry but as idealistic and romantic as this notion is--it DOESN'T happen for everybody, okay." and I think they got the message after that to change the subject. Of course still talk of babies and children but to be expected at such an affair. I just drank or talked about drinking and patiently waited for another subject to come up. 

What have I become? A woman who drinks to cover up her feelings and a social misfit. What is happening to me? Im becoming bitter. Its finally taken hold and I can no longer control it. I am so darn angry. I hate myself, my husband, our circumstances, my friends, their fertility, ignorance about TTC--sod the lot

Honestly, you'd never know all this was happening inside me. Outside Im smiling and people pleasing and making all the right sounds and actions but inside I am dying and wanting to smash things.

Ladies, please keep me in your prayers and I would so gratefully welcome any positive energy you can send my way. 

I promise to try and be more postive the next post.

Love to all. xxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies - just a quick post as I have to bath DS.

Dustyrose - didn't want to read and run. I am sorry you are so down and that things are just pants for you too. I am completely with you on being eaten up inside yet putting a brave face on things for everyone else's sake. It sucks. People at work have been asking me this week why I've not been around for 5 weeks and I so wanted to just tell them all just to see the looks on their faces.....but I resisted, knowing I would be faced with the usual cr*ppy comments like "well, at least you've already got one", or "if it's meant to be it'll happen" etc. etc. Utter smelly brown bull stuff and so &%[email protected]*^# annoying !!! The only place that I can truly express what I am _really _ feeling is on here or with other SI FF's. All you have done is express how you are feeling and people on here will not hate you for that, nor will they find you a social misfit. That is what this place is here for and I'm sure everyone will empathise with what you are saying. As for DH's - well it sounds like me and you have landed ourselves a right pair ! Mine is still refusing to discuss the whole "IVF or not" scenario and I'm so tempted to just phone the consultant and tell him we want to go ahead and then just drag some random (good looking of course ) bloke off the street for the "donation". As for friends with no.2/3etc., it's really hard isn't it ? I sometimes find myself having very horrible feelings towards them and that is what SIF has done to me. Of course I am very happy for them all but I just find it all so damned unfair, especially when they're all whingeing on to me about how difficult life is with more than one child. LIKE I'D KNOW . I know how heartbreaking it is to see your child being so loving and caring towards babies as my DS is exactly the same. It breaks my heart to see him acting so lovingly and caring towards them and it rubs it in that bit more that I cannot give him a sibling that he could act the same way to. Though sometimes I do wonder if I'm only "imagining" that he's so good towards them due to the situation I'm in ? It's like feeling that pg women and babies are everywhere when realistically they're not, it just feels like that. OK, so now I'm rambling, sorry. I guess what I just want to get across is that you have not said anything untoward and have perfectly normal feelings and thoughts for someone in our position. Big  to you and lots of     . Keep your chin up .

Bluebean - welcome to the thread ! I haven't had a lap and dye I'm afraid but I know there are ladies on here that have and will be able to advise you. 

FFH & Cinders - hope you both have fantastic holidays you lucky ladies !

Emma - sorry you're feeling so down. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to go to the docs but 5 weeks on I'm glad I did it, so good for you for making the appointment and good luck with it . Things are still utter pants but I feel marginally better having agreed to the anti-d's and having told the GP how sh*t I feel.

Emilycaitlin - good luck for your scan. Let us know how you get on 

Lainey-lou - glad to hear you feel you are making progress and like I said in my text, I think you are being very brave . Glad DD had a lovely birthday.

Pand - how are you hun ? Hope you're doing OK. Is the Clomid having any yucky effects on you ? Hope it's working its magic and Mr W has lots of positive stuff to tell you. Glad to be rid of the revolting school kids for 6 weeks ?!!! Hope you and DS have a super summer holiday and I look forward to seeing you soon. 

Me ? Dunno really. Sick of it all to be honest ! Just waiting for the next pg announcement as I don't actually know anyone who is pg at the moment (except for on here which I don't mind as SIF ladies more than deserve it and give us all hope (even though I seem to have lost all mine at the moment)) which is a first. I have to say I am dreading the next announcement and am already hedging my bets as to who it will be and I feel very bitter . IF has changed me so much and I don't like who or what I've become.

Was going to say I'm very jealous of those of you who now have 6 weeks off work for the summer, but then I suppose I can't talk as I've just had 5 weeks on the sick  - sadly not with DS, but we have 2 weeks together in August which I am looking forward to before he goes to "big school" .

Lots of love and luck to all of you - I really had better go and bath the little monster !


----------



## dustyrose

Question for anyone really...

Will we ever escape infertility? Lets say if a miracle does occur and we are blessed with another child--Do the scars of SIF always remain? Can we ever let go of this pain?


----------



## emilycaitlin

Bluebean - I had a lap and dye last year.  I have to say that I was in a bit of pain when I came round, but after a painkiller I was ok, and then fine afterwards.  Keep wearing loose trousers for a while, as sitting down in jeans means that the top of the jeans digs right into your scar!  It's fine though, I was terrified of having it, but it was ok


----------



## jobo5572

Where is everyone   ?

Are you all on holiday   ?


----------



## emilycaitlin

I was wondering the same!!!!

Bluebean - The anaesthetic was the thing that I was most worried about too, I had my last one when I was 5!!  It was fine though, and I woke up wondering why I had been so scared of it!  I don't think it helped me to conceive in my particular case as it was 13 months ago now, but it does help a lot of people.  By the way, my scan is tomorrow, thank you for asking xxxx


----------



## jobo5572

emilycaitlin

Good luck for your scan....let us know how you get on.

I am not on holiday....we're penniless and can't afford one   !!


----------



## emsylou

hi ladies, 
well i went to my gp on monday and he said that he wants to see me in three months time to see how im feeling then and if im still the same then hes going to give me anti d's. 
Im in absolute agony my af is due on sunday and i have bloated right up and i have had some spotting through out this cycle, but no my back is realy painfull and it feels like i have got a throbbing pain in the bottom of my tummy and i have had a very bad headache since yesterday, think im falling apart lol but no pg symptoms so im expecting af to show her face on time    im still waiting for an appt to see my cons,when hubby had his bits checked they told him that the sa wasnt great but it wasnt realy bad either, and i think it looked like he got more in the pot this time so fingers crossed that its better, and then hopefully they should give me something to help me ovuate and sort out my cysts. 
Im going to my caravan in wales on friday and i cant wait, its going to be nice to just get away from here, and its mine and hubbys wedding anniversary on the 29th of this month so it will be nice, even though il probably be af'ing lol  
well id better be off, hope you are all ok?
xxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
Well we are not away but have been a little busy. 
The last few days of school were dominated with a disappointing report so we went into see the headmaster and teacher as am pretty fed up with the school, ds is very quiet and very well behaved and seems to get forgotten - this has happened through preschool and reception and now year one and I am just a little fed up of it! Glad school has finished and have a busy schedule which is how I like it although my mum has decided she wants ds on his own next week so looks like I will be doing the gym and more reiki etc.  normally I would rush off and visit a friend in London but feel that perhaps staying at home and sorting a few bits might be what I need and we go to Scotland on Friday.
This week has been fairly busy so far as we ds and I went to morecambe Mon to see my friend and her one child (her kind of choice but we cannot afford another) and we had a lovely time as we always do, then after staying the night and drinking wine I came back to my leisure club and ds and i went swimming with another friend and her kid and we had lunch and on way home stopped and had cuppa with another friend (who wants another one and it not happening) and then came home to find dh. He had come back early as it was our 8 year anniversary and we went out for a lovely meal and had a nice evening.  He got me flowers and champagne and chocs but told me i had to drive! It was nice but not as romantic as perhaps it used to be and he said oh well we made 8 years (and i said only just) as thats what i feel sometimes.  We were in the forest this morning and then home to do a bit of housework then out to a friends for a couple of hours.  we were supposed to do the cinema tonight but going to see Mama Mia next week now.
Feeling pretty contented if not a little tired as this is how I like it seeing friends here and there/  It will be a test next week without ds and being so close to due date but we will see.  I might be heading to bham to get a therapy couch that Angela has for me and perhaps meet up with anyone who is around although I will be on my own. I am pleased we decided to delay and my af has come and gone already, I seem to be having  26 day cycle with a day of spotting and then two days really heavy with lots of bits in it sorry if tmi but its pretty horrid for that day or to going out and about but at least is over with quick and with having such a short cycle I dont think I am preg or anything and it means the sep cycle will come around real quick and i will know my dates within the month.
I am going to post this put bb on and then do a few personals.
love to you all

emma - I am glad you went to see the Dr and that they will do something for you if required and sorry that you are in agony - it can be so cruel when our bodies play tricks on us which they frequently do. Happy Anniversary for the end of the month - how long have you been married as I have said above its been 8 years for us!
EC good luck for the scan and let us know how you get on

cinders have a lovely hol, was getting worried but understand now

ffh have a lovely time in britanny we used to go there when we were kids and its beautiful, just hope you have a lovely relaxing time and escape from it all.

jobo- sorry you are not going away - and so understand where you are coming from when you say that you are dreading the next pg announcement- its so horrible when you dread it isn't it but I am having a good phase at the mo but its probably because they have all had them!  I am so sorry you are going through all this stuff and I do know how hard it is and that it can dominate your life as it has mine. Hopefully it will get better and hope you manage to resolve issues with dh.

talitha - how are you

bubbs you have gone abit quiet hope you are ok

wendeth thanks for the update you have been soo busy and hope it all calms down soon.

laineylou - how are you? what have you been up to? how re you feeling - thinking of you and sending you lots of love

pand - how are you and hope you are enjoying the break?  How is the clommid or dare I ask? Are you around atall next week for a quick cuppa if I get down to see Angela and get the therapy couch of her, we said a long time ago about going to the spa dont suppose you could get a day off for that? anyway let me know how you are?  I could do with picking your brains again one day about ds as he got seven ticks on below age on his report and we so upset so we are upping what we are doing at home and am dreading sep and we are going to have to really up the whole thing and he is having a two diff teachers a job share one of who is a male which will be good.

whippet - how are you feeling?  hope all going well.

angel83 hope you are ok? sending you love and hugs

lyndalou hope you are ok too and sending you lots of love and hugs too

dusty rose - to answer your question, I think the scares of SIF will always remain because its horrible what we have been through but hopefully it has made us stronger and nicer people as well.  The best people to ask are the ones who have had their seconds and they are probably too busy and tired to remember what it was like!  It would be great if we are cycle buddies.  It is so hard isnt it working out what to do for the best.  I so related (as ever) to your post about drinking and in my case eating choc to cover up your feelings and that everyone probably thinks one is ok when we are so sad inside.  I think as Jobo said we all feel sad inside and put a brave face on and I know that I have felt bitter too but now I am off with ds and am doing stuff and meeting up with people I am very happy.

blue bean - welcome to our lovely thread sounds like you have been through the mill - it will take a while to work your way though all the posts but you will soon get the giste of it and we are very friendly and we can empathise really well

lady moonlight - sorry about all those comments - have you seen pands thread about all the things that people say - its worth a read and you can add to them.

lots of love and luck to everyone
love you all
susie  (eating choc but no wine tonight)


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm not going to do many personals today as I have to get a wriggle on and get ready to go away tomorrow!!  So much housework, washing and packing to do!!!!!!

Suzy - I'm really sorry your ds's report has caused you so much angst.  I wish I was about next week as I would most certainly have met up with you hun.  I'm afraid we will be in Teneriffe.  What areas were below average?  If it was literacy/reading, boys do tend to trail behind until they are about seven as they don't develop at the same rate as girls.  So try not to worry too much just yet.  I would definitely be pushing the school though (which I know you're doing). What support have they put in place for him?  Is he getting any one to one work?  Has he got an Individual Provision Map?  Has he been assessed at all for his learning?  You could push for a learning assessment (usually done by Ed Psychs I think to see if there are any specific learning difficulties).  I hope this helps a bit.  PM me if you want to chat a bit more. I will try and get on line later today to catch up with you.  I'm really sorry you feel so let down by the school.  I will try and help the best I can.

Jo - Thanks once again for the other morning.  Managed to fit in some BMS although both of us were so kn****ered!!!  Still job done for what it's worth!  You look after yourself the next couple of weeks and I will catch up when I get back.

EmilyCaitlin - I'm getting worried now cos you haven't posted the result of your scan.  Please let us know how you got on.  

Hi to everyone else!!!  It's been very quiet on here lately, I guess everyone is just too busy to post and that includes me!!  I've been in school all week this week trying to get my new classroom ready after the male teacher who was in there left it in a big mess.  Clomid hasn't been to hideous this month and had two follicles on day 13, so at least the ovaries are working even if nothing else is!!  Will be away for two weeks from tomorrow, so take care of yourselves and each other!

Lots of love 

pand


----------



## emilycaitlin

Sorry, the scan went well, they have put me forward a weeks, so new date is 31st Jan.  The sonographer was great with dd, went through everything, showing what everything was.  Have put a picture in the scans bit of the gallery.

It shows that 2ndry IF doesn't always mean never, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone of us.xx


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Had follow up app. Got results from D&C. Showed no abnormalities and baby was a girl  
Guess we will never know why it happened   

Love and luck to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## emilycaitlin

lyndalou    I'm so sorry xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie as I'm kn*ckered.

Lyndalou - so sorry about the results   .  Hope you're OK.

Emilycaitlin - glad your scan went well and the sonographer was helpful.

Suszy - hope you have a great time in Scotland.  Enjoy the summer hols !  

Pand - have a fantastic holiday - will .  

Emma - sorry you're feeling so low  .  Don't wait 3 months if you're feeling that bad - get yourself back there and sorted out.  I resisted anti-d's for a long time but finally gave in and they have certainly helped.  Things are still absolute sh1te but I seem to be dealing with it all a little better.

Lainey - you OK ?  

Bluebean & Dustyrose - hope you're OK.

Hi to everyone I've missed - not intentionally.

Me - no +ve on the old OPK this month so feeling very low (again) and fed up  .  Have finally been referred for IVF and me & DH have an appointment on 17th September which seems like a lifetime away for the discussion with a nurse about everything we'll be going through.  Fed up, hacked off, distraught, the usual......

Lots of love and luck to everyone.


----------



## nic172

hi everyone - been reading through your posts before i felt confident to put something on here.
I feel like my struggle to have another is nothing to what some of you ladies are going through!!! Good luck to us all and keep smiling - my DP keeps telling me "the best things come to those who wait!!" - waiting im getting quite good at xxxxxxx
Love and luck and a big hello xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Hi nic172

Welcome to the thread !  We're all a friendly bunch, though most people seem to be on holiday at the moment so it's gone very quiet.........  

How are you doing ?

Jo


----------



## nic172

hi there everyone
thanks jo and bluebean for your welcoming messages!
Im great thanks apart from the obvious!!!!!!!!! 
I have two lovely children - a boy and a girl with only 18 months between them! I fell pregnant easily both times and am finding it really hard that the third time has/ is  being such a struggle. Weve been ttc now for 20 months and its driving me mad - especailly as there is now aparent reason for it!!
A friend of mine fell pregnant when we started trying and is now having her second!! Its so hard to be happy for her when i am so envious and feel like such a ***** for it!!
Another friend has fallen pregnant twice and wanted neither of them!!! ( So hard to bite my tongue)

Again thanks to everyone so good to know someone understands - hate telling anyone we are ttc now as feel a bit of a failure!! but know i must not winge and keep fingers crossed for next month!!!

Love and luck to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## emsylou

hiya evryone, how are you all, sorry no personals tonight as i can feel my self nodding off lol

well i havnt long got home, i have been driving for 6 hours as i stopped off to visit some family on our way home, well it wasnt meant to be this month either as af decided to show her face again on sunday. So i have been mood swinging even more lol dh['s face was a picture when i told him that af was due the weekend, he said that he was going to go and stay in my parents caravan out of the way lol
the holiday was good, we realy enjoyed it, it was nice to just get away and have a break. We went to the beach and the girls absolutley loved it they had so much freedom and they didnt want to go home lol
i must say when the witch showed her face i was absolutley gutted, i thought that i might have been in with a chance but silly me i suppose, although my periods have stared to be evry 28 days again, does that mean i could be ov'ing or does it not matter how regular they are? hhhmmmm? 
well i hope evryone is ok, i missed you all xxx


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## SUSZY

Hi girls
well it has gone quiet on here but suppose its the school hols.
I have been home alone this week as ds has gone to my mums and we all go to scotland next week for a week, then devon for a few days 


Pand - thanks for that, think i may have over reacted a bit but they say they are addressing it next year, I have booked him in for smart station some computer based for maths and the science was low too - the reading was fine as thats what we have been concentrating on.  I think basically we have to do more at home with him, less tv and bed earlier so sep is going to be quite hard what with the inj as well and i am dreading the shorter nights and not being able to put the heating on much due to the price of oil!  Hope you are having a good hol and let me kow if you are around on 11 or 12 th aug as am driving through to devon and am stopping to get therapy couch of Ang. Jobo are you around too?
weclome co nic
emma hope you are ok sweetheart
sorry no other personals - need to get out of the house
love and luck and light and healing to you all an dhave a good hol and will write agin soon
love
susie


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## cinders35

Hello everyone,
Just popped in to say a quick hello, got back from hols last night and feeling totally pooped!
I have missed you all so much!
I wanted to share with you, that whilst on holiday, we found ourselves strangely surrounded by families of three!!! It was really spooky! They all seemed like happy, normal families with well adjusted children. Not sad as I had labeled my own  !
I kid you not, on one evening we were one of 11 families of three eating in a resteraunt! That's not a misprint, ELEVEN!!! Ranging from children of roughly 5 to 15! I kept wondering if any were due to SIF or were they all choice?
It really gave me strength .
I know you may think this strange as I have just had bfp, but I don't count myself out of the woods at all! I'm very much still in the woods! 
Have made appointment to 'book in' with m/w. Couldn't get appointment till I will be 11+4wks. So I should think a scan will be well after 12 weeks if I get that far.
Symptoms negligble, so it's all down to a scan.

I will post properley soon, please excuse my selfish post!
But   to those who are down.
   who are down but not out!  
   for those of us who need them.

Love

Cindersxxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie from me as I have to see the eviction on BB (OK, I'm sad and have no life !).

Cinders, it's so good to have you back  !!  Hope you had a lovely holiday - where did you go ?  I'd like to mix with families of 3 as it will be a first for me !  How many weeks are you now ?  

Suszy - hope you have a good week and that you have a lovely time in bonny Scotland.  WRT 11/12th, I'm working, but it depends when/where you want to meet up as I'm sure I could "work from home"    Let me know... 

Pand - miss you !  Bumped into Alison today in Tesco and had a natter.  Hope you're having a fab holiday 

Lainey - you OK ?  

Emma - sorry AF witchy-poo showed her face.  I hope you're OK  

nic172 & bluebean - hope you're both OK.  

Everyone else -


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## dizzyloo

Hey ladies,
Just flicking through as I do every now and again and I saw Dusty Rose's question " does the pain of SIF go even when a miracle happens". Well, my miracle was bigger than most (see my profile if not familiar) and also bitter sweet as my son was born with Downs. But in answer to the question... Yes it does!
Pregnancy is probably more anxiety provoking than those that are easily achieved and I guess that takes a lot of the enjoyment out of it ( Although being crippled with pubis symphisys disorder didn't help!). This time last year I had had a failed cycle followed by a natural BFP and miscarriage the following month. At the time I thought nothing could ever take the agony away. This year I have two beautiful blessings and the rose bush I planted after I lost the baby is covered in blooms. Which fills me with hope for our future.

There are scars but they are postive ones, I don't take my kids for granted and I hope it has made me a better, stronger and more considerate person.

Still wishing desperately for all of you, and feeling the pain of losses and failures.
Keep the faith
Dizzy


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## cinders35

Another quicky I'm afraid  !
MIL about to descend for a week, have hoovering, floor mopping and dinner to prepare!
Thank's for your welcome back message Jobo,  . We went to Sensatori in Crete. Only 3 pg bellies, and at least 11 families of 3, all in all a positive experience!  . Am 10 weeks tommorrow .
Good to hear from you Dizzy  .
Also in answer to Dusty Roses question- I read somewhere on here, that the scars of infertility never truly go away. They are rather like tatoos that you can wear proudly, knowing that you have come out the the other side of this journey, one way or the other. 
I did say during a counselling session after my m/c, that I thought pg announcements would always hurt, even if I reach the ripe old age of 80, hearing someone say they are pg will be another twist of the knife!

Anyway, GOT to go and do my jobs  .

Love

Cindersxxx

p.s only symptom is a bif fat belly!!!! But that's down to have 2 course breakfasts (including pancakes), 2 course lunches, and 3 course dinners, with the odd icecream and full fat coke inbetween for two weeks!!! Bad Cinders... !!


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Back from hols now, had a really relaxing time, but now back home and don't want to be. 

Positive post lap feeling completely gone now, feel utterly crap and despairing. Just had a friend announce that they are expecting their 4th, am in utter shock as didn't think they wanted any more. 

Thought I was climbing out of the pit, but feel like I've just been pushed right back in. Not sure how to get back on track, but I guess I'll find a way. Sorry for the me post, will catch up with personals in the week.

Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Faithful

Didn't want to read and run - just a quickie as must get to bed as working tomorrow (bleurgh).

So sorry to hear about the surprise announcement  - it's so hard isn't it, especially when people "don't want any more" ?  It's such a blow, and like you say, pushes us right back down into the pit.  Hope you're OK hun  

Jo


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## dustyrose

Good evening FF,

It has been quiet on here...

Lyndalou, so sad for you. Words cant express....     Look after yourself the best you can. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. xx

Welcome back cinders, Your holiday sounded fantastic! I would have loved to experience a holiday with lots of families of three--so more of us do exist and even better that they are happy and well adjusted children and families. Hope all goes well with your scan. Please let us know how you get on as I think most of us are wanting to shout that BFP congrats for you. Thanks for responding on the scars of infertility question. Its something I've been thinking about a lot lately xx

Hi Dizzy, A massive congrats and thank you for your response on this question. I was really sad when I asked it and can appreciate both you and cinders response. And thank you for sharing your story too. It gives me hope that things can change and even sometimes for the better. You must be in love right now with your babies...xx

Emma sorry your Af arrived but having 28 day cycles can only be a positive thing. Im not an expert as mine are the same..I think, at least in this way there are less days of waiting until we can try again. I hope your doing okay. xx

Pand & Suszy, hope your holidays are relaxing! I could use another holiday right about now but have to wait til end of August. xx

EmilyC-Congrats on your scan and hope the rest of pregnancy goes happily and healthy! xx

Nic172, welcome to the boards, I am kinda new too so Im really pleased you plucked up the courage to post. Everyone here is such a massive support. And its the one place where people truly understand. I wish you well on your TTC journey. Hubby's gotta good motto there! (hope it comes true!) xx

Bluebean, I empathise with feeling in limbo. I remember last Xmas when I was waiting for my lap date for endometriosis. I couldn't even have s*x much less think about TTC because I was so scared, anxious, worried etc... My health took first priority and TBH, its only normal to be a bit scared of TTC. Hope you get your date soon and you feel more control over what to come. xx

I've missed quite a few of you this time round on personals, I am sure as I have been catching up on the most recent post and working my way backwards. So a big hug to everyone  


Excuse me now as I am about to write a very longwinded and "me" post. If you get halfway through, I applaud you and thank you for listening. xxx

I've been keeping a low profile on here and just about everywhere because I really lost control of my emotions. My three closest friends delivered their babies all within three weeks, and I think it really brought out this beast in me. Im more angry with myself than jealous etc. For the last 10 mths, instead of honoring my feelings, I chose to be super supportive during their pregnancies, giving advices, taking the late night phone calls when their emotions got the better of them, buying great presents, throwing babyshowers--even being a birthpartner to one of them. Never once did I say, 'you know, Im the wrong person to talk to about how fed up you are being pregnant, or how hard it is, or how upset you are over having a boy, or how you're not bonding with the baby" or even just a simple "Im really down about not getting pregnant" would have sufficed! NO, I stayed the best buddy, the one to come to and who would listen and care. I showed them how strong and selfless I can be and in that--I think they've forgotten I am suffering from infertility!!! Let me tell you, altruism really is stupid in times like these and has bit me in the bum! I've been so down, avoiding everyone and everything--literally screening my calls and lying about being busy at weekends because even now that the babies are born--they are still calling to now offload about having the baby! I just can't be that person anymore. I can't because its making me miserable. I know Im waffling on here girls so the long of the short is that I need to start being selfish. My last post, I was so down. So angry and bitter and fed up with not getting what I want. I sound like a teenager don't I--but I was truly at my lowest point in a long time. My mood makes me think of that sitcom that was on quite awhile back (BBC3, I think) when the woman always said, "I wanna F***ing BABY!"... to any question anyone ever asked her. if you have seen it--then you'll be laughing with me but if you haven't then Im sorry if I've offended. But truly--thats what I felt like! 

I had a long chat with my husband and got honest about so many things, especially on my ways of coping with SIF. After my surgery, I felt positive that it might just happen for us but I think each month that went by the harder it was to cope. Particularly as we just hit the 6 mth mark and our consultant recommended IVF. The last few months I've stopped all the pills, eating poorly, going out with friends, drinking a bit too much, smoking the occasional cigarette and generally pretending the infertility elephant wasn't in the room. I gave all the baby stuff away to pregnant friends (again stupid as now I see my DDs cot used all the time by someone else's baby!!) and charities & convinced myself it was no longer important and I should just move on and be humble and happy with our gorgeous daughter, as I know we are truly blessed to have her. However, each time I look at myself in the mirror, its so obvious to me that the woman staring back is one who is unhappy. I realise now that it is up to me to change this because it won't just go away--especially if for the most part I don't even acknowledge it!!!!

We've made two decisions and I feel really positive about them.
1. Lose weight. We're back in the gym and for the first time, my husband is willing to take on the challenge with me. 
2. Bite the bullet and start IVF. 

I will finish work in October, we get our puppy in November, head off to New York for Xmas and then Disneyworld where I will celebrate my 30th, going wild with my 'inner child'--and then come January its time to get serious and get started.  

I look at it this way-- Im sad that I can't get pregnant naturally but I feel I've done my best. God knows I've tried with all the BMSh*gging that Ive done for nearly 48 months, Ive taken supplements, changed my diet, had a laproscopy, put in at least 300 hours of research into endo doctors, fertility drs, theories, methods etc.. had massages, needles, rocks and suction cups on my back, I've taken relaxing holidays to "just let it happen", tried the drunk and wild approach, I've meditated, read books, prayed , went to church--ladies I even went so far as following one of my holistic Dr's advices to smile at my vagina and uterus in hopes that my positive energy might just wake up my lazy ovaries!!!!

Its not happening. 

Time to move on.

So yeah, that's my story and Im sticking to it. 

Thanks again for listening to my ramblings. i wish you peace and love and all the babies you could ever ask for!


----------



## cinders35

Oh Dustyrose,

You have written so eloqently, just exactly how so many of us feel. Especially the 'I just wanna f$cking baby!!!!' bit!!
You have been an amazing friend, I wish I knew you in real life, because it is so obvious that you needed to get a bit more selfish, a lot quicker! How you have coped with all those pg's and births, I do not know! You are one in a million friend, but now you need to be that friend to yourself. You have feelings too, and it's high time you made them your priority. Your friends need a little nudge in that direction too. Tell them how hard it has been, and that actually, you could use a bit of support now too. If they can't offer you that right now, then you need to surround yourself with people who can. (Incidentally, have you thought about attending the secondary meet up? You would find it a wonderful support hiun, I just know you would.)

I understand how hard it is to make the decision to have treatment. IVF is something that happens to other people, and it takes a while to come to terms with it. It is quite the rollercoaster, but reading so much on here, I know you will be going into it with your eyes wide open. Physically, I didn't find it too bad at all, emotionally it does mess you around it a bit though! But then you are putting all the effort into preparing yourselves both physically and mentally in the next 6 months, so you can do no more!

I understand just how hard you have tried, I understand just how much you want this...

Now go and be selfish, look after YOURself for once, and SERIOUSLY consider the meet up! It's on the other thread!

Got some workmen in, and got to go and pay them!
Sorry for such a swift departure!!!

Love ya all!!!

Cindersxxx


----------



## nic172

dustyrose
you should write a column on SIF - you wrote that so well - telling us all how u feel ( and how most of us feel) but managed to drop in some humour and tell us where you will go from here.
Hope you feel abit better for getting some of it off your chest! Especially as your friends seem to have 'forgotten' what your going through. I very much agree with cinders if you give them a quick reminder  and if needs be a swift kick of the backside- if they still dont come through for you - then get yourself with people who will and peope who help you find the positives.
I understand your pretence at pretending your not really that bothered - i did teh same started going out every weekend -drinking with friends who dont have kids thinking it was the best place for me to be - but in the cold light of day - u are being untrue to yourself -that wasnt for me xx
I wish you all the luck in the world- when your feeling down try to laugh instead of cry 

Sorry no other personals yet - trying to get to know everyones stories abit first

Good luck to you all xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Foxy2

Dsutyrose - couldn't just read your post and not send reply. It was as if you wrote it for me (and everyone else that has been going down this path). I completely understand your pain.

I've not posted on this thread before but your post moved me so much. I too have a DS conceived naturally now aged 5 and desperately long for a sibling for him. All around me friends and family are popping out babies and siblings with what seems little effort and it's difficult for them to understand how painful that can be when you are experiencing SIF. I go from trying to be the supportive friend for them to keeping my head down and making myself "too busy" to meet up when it gets too difficult. I've sort of given up trying to talk about my feelings with them because they just don't get it. How could they if they've not been there themselves?

All I can say is, the plans you've made to move on and take a proactive approach is great. Give yourself a little time to take care of yourself for once and things will work out for you I'm sure.      

btw, finding it really hard to get the image of you talking to your vagina out of my head!! Really made me chuckle. For the record, I'm not thinking of trying it myself! 

Look forward to hearing your good news in the new year. xxxx Stay in touch. xxxx


To everyone else on this thread - you seem like a lovely bunch. Mind if I stop by again some time?


----------



## jobo5572

Afternoon ladies

Dustyrose - can you read our minds and thoughts ?  I think just about everyone on here will be able to associate with what you've said.  Sorry you feel you've lost control of your emotions but you seem to have hatched a really good plan and you should be very proud of yourself for doing that.  I can completely empathise with the friends bit.  Just last night I was out with 3 friends - 1 who has 3 under 4 with the 2nd 2 being conceived in the time I've been TTC, 1 with 3 of whom the 3rd was an "accident", and 1 with 2 who was quite openly discussing when they're going to have no.3 (oh, the luxury of deciding  ).  Unfortunately, naturally (I presume) they start talking about their lives with more than one child and how they juggle things, how the kids play together, how they love being a full family etc. etc. and as there's 3 out of the 4 of us in that position they do tend to go off on long conversations between themselves about it all and I feel very isolated and upset as well as angry that they're doing it in front of me.  I have to say 2 out of the 3 of them are normally pretty good about the whole SIF thing - they don't fully understand but make the effort to try to, and they do try to cut rambling conversations about multi-children-ness short.  The other tends to open her mouth before she thinks about what she's going to say and has hurt me quite a bit over the past couple of years with her various insensitive comments and actions.  The group of 4 of us tend to meet about once every 3/4 months, and one time when I was particularly down I just happened to mention to the one that I wasn't looking forward to the night out as 2 of the 3 of them were pg.  She threw a right wobbler and said that she was going to cancel the entire evening as she'd rather spend her money on a night out with happy friends and not someone who was miserable. I was so upset but when I'd calmed down I was so livid.  What an insensitive cow.  Throughout all of their pg's I have stood by them, helped out with housework, cooking, taking the other kids out for the day etc. when the babies have been born, listened to their moans and cries down the phone or face to face when they can't cope with having more than one etc., all the time being eaten up inside with sadness and I get annoyed at myself for doing it.  But then I think that I am being selfish and that if I didn't help out I'd have no friends as most of my friends from where I live are people I met through having DS as I lived elsewhere before that.  Of course every single one has gone on to have another, and some 2 more in my time of ttc.  As I have said before on here, there are people that I am no longer in touch with as I really couldn't avoid their insensitivity or lack of caring about my situation and they weren't real friends.  Anyway, I know I have started to ramble and go off on one so I will shut up.  Dustyrose - you're not alone, and you made me laugh when you said about smiling at your bits !  

Faithful - are you ok ?  

Cinders - hope that big fat belly is getting bigger by the day  

nic172 & Foxy2 - hello and welcome !  

Pand - hurry back !!!  Hope you've had a fab holiday  

Lainey & Suszy - you ok ladies ?  

Bluebean - I was referred to the Priory in Birmingham by my consultant.  You ok ?  

Bubblicious - where are you ? 

Yesterday I had a Union Rep at work say to me "oh, you're just sticking at the one then ?" after he looked at a photo of DS on my desk.  What really annoyed me about his comment was that only about 12 months ago I was in an office with a colleague in floods of tears about sh1t things happening at work and the SIF situation.  She dragged the Union rep into the room as she wanted him to be made aware of the work issues but then also blurted out the SIF stuff to him too after he just dropped into the conversation randomly that his wife was pg.  So, he was made aware of my situation but it has obviously gone from his mind....but then he's male so it would do wouldn't it ?

Have had 2 pg announcements at work today too - people I know of but don't necessarily speak to.  Both have babies who are barely 12 months old.  Grrrrrr.

In a big bad mood  .  Probably PMT as the old witch is on her way.

Love to all

Jo


----------



## RLH33

Hiya everyone

Haven't posted for a long while as I couldn't cope with the responsibility of the personals   but have been reading regularly and keeping up.  

However dustyrose your post was really heartfelt and struck a chord with me and I just couldn't read it without posting.  I really would mention to your friends that you are feeling down about SIF and that you could do with some support.  If they don't like it then they are not as good friends that you think - harsh but true.  You need friends that are going to support you through thick and thin, the sort of friend that you have obviously been to them.
Sounds like you have made a plan for the short term future though and I find that really helps me - it is the not knowing and drifting along that gets to me.

Hope everyone else is ok.

RLH


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Dustyrose - that was a lovely post. I agree with everyone else that you need to be a bit selfish for a while and if your friends don't try and understand then you need to be away from them for a bit. Well done on the plan, I think just having the plan will make such a difference for you. And you're still young so you've got time on your side. 

Cinders - hang on in there, remember that you didn't have symptoms with your dd so you shouldn't expect any this time either. We're all waiting for that scan with you I think!

Still need to read back and look at posts that I skim read so apologies for lack of personals.

Just to add to my bad week, my dh was made redundant at 9:00am on monday morning, first day back from holiday! I'd hardly slept that night as I was so upset about my friends announcement of expecting number 4, so all in all monday was a pretty bad day. I'm just waiting for the 3rd thing now!!!  Everytime I think about things I feel sick, I feel like somebody's kicked me hard in the stomach. On the other hand at least the redundancy has made me realise that there are other things that are important in life other than infertility!

Hope everyone else is enjoying the summer hols.

Faithful x


----------



## dustyrose

Oh girls, 

I am blushing ..... was feeling so self-conscious after I hit the 'post' button. I looked back at my previous posts and thought, "this bl*0dy woman sounds like a skipped record! No one wants to hear this!"  Im nearly speechless (it is hard to render me speechless as I never shut up! My poor Dh will attest to that) from all your words of understanding and encouragement--they have given me that extra boost to follow through on looking after myself a bit more. Sometimes the advice we give to others is the advice we need too, so I hope it has stirred something in those of you who struggle to be honest with yourself or others. Thank you so much for taking time out to post, especially to those who never felt the time was right until now. I hate that we all feel this way and Im sorry that our infertility is what brings us together here. 

Im considering the secondary meet-up--seriously! I think now is the time to start expanding friendships. I shall have a look at the thread now.


Positive news for once: A friend, who has one child and who is an only child herself came over yesterday and we had the most down to earth chat. She is the first one to ask how I am feeling about my infertility and where we are at with it--WHoooah! Not even my mother would ask me that question--it was so refreshing that she was intuitive and showed so much interest in something that is such a big part of my family and I. Anyway, major girl-chat bonding session that Im still on a high over. I truly believe that someone in that big sky up there right now is helping me along, maybe not with a baby but at least so I don't fall completely apart. I needed to take that step and speak out and its amazing how many people I am finding that do care. 

I need to prepare the house tonight as I've got to work tomorrow and the kids arrive at 8am. Sorry to rush off without personals. Please know my heart speaks volumes to you all. We ARE going to be okay ladies. We're gonna get through the other side of secondary infertility. And many of us are going to get lucky enough to have those sweet babies in our arms again 

Night   xxxxx


----------



## SUSZY

dusty rose - darling - (where in the country are you) your plan sounds great by the way- really think we are going to get a puppy too and hopefully after our visit up here going to decide on a working labrador.
i seriously need to lose weight too
you have been a saint you need a medal and no wonder you are worn out and jaded, as everyone says and as all have us have posted from time to time we all know how each of us feels and have been through a bit of those horrible feelings and they are very very normal.  You have been an excellent friend to those women and they probably think you have coped brilliantly but in fact you are crying and hurting inside and all you need is a big bear hug.  I have been there well ok not been a birthing partner, but smiled at all the pregnancys, and humoured all the talk of sleepless nights breast feeding and spent hundreds on b l oo dy baby presents and hardly anyone appreciated how bad it felt and when I started talking out and behaving perhaps a bit erationally ( crying after a few glasses of wine, being a bit over the top about things regarding people I thought wre close friends - perhaps with hindsight some of by behaviour was a bit OTT but I was hurting in side) Now I only feel better because I have made a conscious decision to spend more time with old friends I have with one child, travelling the country to be with them or seeking out family like I am now in Scotland and probably spending less time with people at school that I am feeling abit better.  I have also done stuff that I would never have dreamed I would have done but I feel I had to do them in order to survive but sitting up here in bonnie scotland at my cousins house (who also had one) who has just gone abroad, visiting another cousin today who has three kids and another one who had three - I dont actually look at the number of their kids or feel I have to go into all the nitty gritty as its quite nice just to be escaping up here again for now, yes they know I have just had my third m/c but they dont need to know the gory details and its so lovely seeing ds playing with all these kids but has made me even more determined to get a doggy for him.
I am rambling now and started posting to dusty but really its for us all.

cinders glad you had a good hol and thanks for keeping us posted, think you are being very sensisble with your approach and its great to have you still as a friend.

nic - welcome - just noticed you are in Middlesbrough, think we are stopping there Fri and Sat to see Dhs family - if you fancy meeting up (sorry abit forward) just for a cuppa that would be lovely.

rlh - sure we have "chatted before" just post for now and dont worry about personals.

foxy - welcome and please post regularly we are a very friendly bunch and have lots in common as you can see.

pand hope you are ok sweetheart

lainey you are a bit quiet hope you are good too  here for you honey

missby you are very quiet hope to hear from you soon

emma- how are you feeling honey

bubb how and as jobo says where are you

ffh- just want to give you a big big hug, you have been dealt a few blows and feels worse when you have come back from hol, hope things start to improve for you soon - here for you sweetheart and are you free next monday or tues, still dont know my plans and coming down from here and its quite a way.
here for you sweetheart.

jobo sending you lots of love and would be great if we could meet for lunch or something. Sounds like you are still having such a rough time of it and just wanted you to know am here for you darling

emily caitlin hope you are ok

lyndalou thinking of you honey as ever

dizzy thanks for posting your very moving story and so glad you have your two precious babes.
Yest was my due date! dont feel that bad as have had a lot of time to get used to it also incidently got married for the first time 19 years ago today well should I say 5th by the time I post this - perhaps should have had kids with him but we were not ready!

having a great time up here visiting all the family, despite there being all sorts of family complications of some not visiting others I try and visit all and have lots of cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and there are also quite a lot that have passed on its just been so nice to be with family.
ds has had a good time too.  Its great to see him playing in the bales like I used to and although it was quite hard today there was a dead sheep (that had been infected by maggots sorry tbi) and they put it in the boot it makes a change from him seeing it on the tv to see it in real life!  As hard as it is also to tell him the lambs and cows he is seeing end up in the deep freeze! ok they have had a better life but its an important lesson to learn and see!  Feeling strangely at peace and happy and more than ready for Sep.
love to all
lots of love and love and healing to everyone else
susie


----------



## RLH33

Hiya

Just thought I would nip in and add something - I do seem to remember a discussion on here about a book that someone had read that was all about infertility - was it Pink for a Girl?  I was just cruising the boards and, if it was this book someone was talking about, the author posted an announcement on the BFP board in July saying that after 8 long years and having written a book all about her experience she has got a BFP!  Natural too!

Just shows that after all hope has gone and when you have well and truly given up you can still be surprised.

RLH


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Wow that's amazing, nice to hear some positive stories, I'll go and have a look on the bfp announcements and see if I can work out who it is.


----------



## Pand

HONEY I'M HOME!!!!!

Just a quickie this morning as have been catching up on posts and have piles of washing and unpacking to do!!!!!

Got back from two blissful weeks in Teneriffe last night, and boy have I missed everyone!!!  We had a lovely holiday with some great quality family time.  We met up with two families with only one child with them.  I couldn't believe my luck.  DS played really well with them and we all got chatting.  I found out the one had had her son with a previous relationship and was planning on some more when she was ready and the other announced she was eight weeks pregnant... that was a bit of a kick in the stomach as I was eight weeks pregnant when we were in Teneriffe this time last year.  But as we got chatting I found out that she had had four cycles of IVF for her second and that this last one (the BFP) was a donor egg.  We had a good old chin wag about SIF and really bonded.  It just goes to show that we shouldn't make presumptions about other people.  You just never know do you?  

I've been dreading coming back as I'm waiting for some more imminent announcements from BIL and SIL and another friend, then I've got a couple of pregnant friends who want to meet up.  I'm just not really in the mood to be all OK with it!!!  (Oh but not anyone on here tho!!!!).  The clomid got me two follicles this month but AF arrived with her usual reliablity on Weds.  I lay on my sunbed by the pool and had a good cry and felt sorry for myself for about a day, but then got on with it!  It's just never going to happen, I just wish I could get my head around it I really do.  

Anyway, what a selfish post.  I will take the time to catch up on personals this weekend, but for now DS is plaguing me for some toast!

Take care all

Love and hugs

Pand


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## jobo5572

Just a quickie I'm afraid - off to yet another fertile-filled birthday party this pm  .

Hey Pand - so good to have you back     !!  I have missed you loads !  Glad you had a good holiday and found other families of 3 to be with and talk to.  Sorry you had a pg announcement that reflected your position this time last year - that must've been tough  .  Try not to worry about the imminent pg announcements now you're home - OK, easier said than done I know - but you know where I am if you need me  .  Hope to see you soon.

Did everyone hear that stuff on the news yesterday about Clomid and some forms of artificial insemination being no more use than trying to conceive naturally ?  I only caught a bit of it and haven't had chance to research it further but I'll be pretty naffed off if I took Clomid for 9 months and felt like sh1te for absolutely nothing whatsoever  ! 

Love to all


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls


welcome back Pand - glad you had a good holiday. It's nice that you were able to get chatting to somebody who has gone through SIF too, that doesn't happen often does it.  Like you say if you hadn't chatted to her you'd have presumed she was a normal fertile!

Hi Jobo - yes I heard about the report re clomid and iui. I did a bit of looking into it because when I was treated I was unexplained (though now mild endo). The report only looked at Unexplained cases and it did seem that Clomid was useless for that which makes sense as they would have been ovulating regularly for that category. The iui though I spotted was unstimulated iui which I think they've always said doesn't increase your chances much. It was 24% pregnancy rate as opposed to 17% without treatment so it was a bit higher. Stimulated iui where they increase the number of eggs should have a better outcome I was told. Anyway thought I'd share that with you!!! Hope the fertile filled party was OK!

Suszy - what's happening mon or tues? Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm feeling a bit better today, it's just been a horrible week especially back from holiday. There seems to be a few job opportunities around so I'm really hoping DH will be able to find something. THe problem is he works in property investment so as you can imagine there's not much around at the moment!  

Must dash everyone, I'm sorry I still haven't caught up with personals properly.

Faithful x


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## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm back to do personals!  Deep breath, here goes:

Jobo - It's good to be back.  I've missed you guys loads.  Hope AF is staying away. 

RLH - Welcome back.  I know what you mean about the personals!!!  How lovely to hear that the author of Pink for a Girl finally got her BFP.  I loved her book.  She really was an inspiration.  Hope you're ok hun.

Suzy - I am about Monday and Tuesday this week so if you are passing, give me a shout!  Would love to meet up.  How are you feeling about September?  Missed you!  (And I don't think you need to lose weight by the way!).

Dustyrose - I'm really glad to hear that you have found solace with your friend.  I echo everything you feel about putting a brave face on and think you have done a marvellous job so far.  But there are times when people need reminding about our journey too.  I feel like my family and friends (Not FFS) have forgotten all about our problems as they never ask about it.  But it's still very much a daily pain for me and I wish people could understand how this feels.  Never feel embarrassed about your posts.  This is the only place in the world where we can all be totally honest, and we need that.  Nothing you say will surprise any of us on here because we have all felt the same at times.  Keep smiling chick.

FFH - It never rains but it pours doesn't it.  I'm so sorry about DH's redundancy.  I really hope that he finds a new, better and better paid job soon.  You deserve it.

Foxy2 - Welcome to the thread.  You are in the same boat as me. I have a five year old DS too.  Come and chat anytime!!!

Nic172 - Welcome too.  You will soon get the hang of all the stories!! 

Cinders - Missed you these last couple of weeks!!!  Glad you are doing okay and plodding along.  My heart is in my mouth at the moment with worry for you.  I hope the next couple of weeks goes quickly and that the scan gets here before anything else does.  Fingers crossed the scan will bring some happy news and you can begin to enjoy your news at last.  

Laineylou - Where are you hun?  Are you okay.  Even if you don't feel like doing personals please post and just let us know how you are. Still thinking of you.

Missyb - I'm sure you still read the posts and I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you and miss your funny stories!!  As you will probably see I'm now back on Clomid so it's my turn to go loopy!

Lyndalou - How are you doing hun?

Love to everyone else - Bubs, Emma, Bluebean, and anyone else I haven't mentioned!!!!!  Good to hear from you too Dizzy.  

Take care and speak soon everyone

Pand


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## eeyore5700

Hi I am new to this thread, hope it's ok to join. 
I also have secondry infertility and have been ttc a very long time. I have read some of the posts on here and now feel like im not completely on my own with ttc. 
I am hoping to start my 1st cycle of ivf later this month and have found a lot of great advice on FF.
good luck to all of you   
Eeyore5700


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## SUSZY

hi girls
Its quite quiet on here suppose we are all quite busy.
We have had a lovely trip and stopped on the way back to see dhs family so between us we have seen most of our family which has been lovely. Think we have virtually decided to get ds a dog and think it might be a working labrador that are slightly smaller than normal ones.  DS had such a lovely time with his second cousins, animals and seeing farm life first hand (as in sheep dogs rounding up sheep, even a dead sheep, and cows and lambs that end up in the freezer - he likes films like Babe and Pig so was strange to see in real life.  It was all very therapeutic as its where I spent many a happy holiday growing up playing on the farm in the bales and with the animals and all my cousins seeing him run down the road with about five boys was a lovely site.  feeling pretty ok even though friend had her baby yesterday and due date was this week just feel ready for Sep!
welcome to eeyore - good luck for your ivf and you have come to the right place.

Pand so glad you had a good hol, meeting families with one child seems to be happending to a few of you which is great, we did not meet any one kid famliies but I do make sure that every hol i met up with my friends around the country who only have one. It was so lovely spending time with family and seeing ds spend time with his 2nd cousins in the bales and with the dogs.  There was a time when my cousin and cousins wife were talking about their three children and middle child that I got a bit upset but the rest of the time it was just lovely, if not a bit tiring and there were a few complications that seem normal for families.  We did 900 miles in just over a week and my milage now reads 100500. Have put a good half a stone on since we last met and it getting me down

FFh i am visiting my dad down in Devon for a few days probably leaving on tues having only just returned at 8pm tonight so not sure if can cope with a long drive down tomorrow so will be travelling past on tues now.  i would love to meet up with pand, jo bo and see ang.  Sorry about your dhs job.

dustyrose - hope you feeling a bit better, we are all here for you

cinders hope you are ok honey.

missby how are you

jobo hope to meet up with you too, how is work etc

lainey you are so quiet do hope you are ok

lyndalou love to you as ever

foxy, nic, emma, blue bean rlh hope you are all ok and love to you all

off to bed now take care
love
susie


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## cinders35

Morning all!

I have survived a week of MIL staying. She went on saturday, and I breathed a great sigh of relief. Dd didn't though, she was   as she has such a great relationship with her, and misses her. Worth having her to stay for dd I guess  .

Pand, Welcome home hunny!! so lovely to have you back, and so glad you had a good holiday. You so deserved that rest. I'll bet that was a bit of a shocker though, a pg announcement on hols, just when you are bonding with people and feeling safe because they have a family of three too.   Don't know if you will have read through all the posts, and sorry for repeating myself, but there were ABSOLUTELY LOADS of families of three on our holiday, and on one occasion we counted how many when we were out for a meal, and we were one of 11 families of three!!! That was by no means all of then either! It made me feel great! 

Hi Suszy, glad you are having a good summer with ds. You sound like you are up and down the country like a yo yo! You must be exhausted! Sounds like ds having a great summer holiday! Glad to hear you have been getting on better with dh. Have you got dates yet for sept?  

Lainey lou, missing you lot's, but understand. Hope you have a great holiday.  

Jobo, have you and dh come to agreement about treatment yet? Hope you are ok?  

Missyb, hope you having great time with your girls. Hope you have mamaged to get some time off during hols.  

Dustyrose, how are you? Have you managed to talk to any of your friends yet? 

Lyndalou, hope you are bearing up ok, and enjoying the summer hols.  

Faithful, how you ndoing hun? Try to keep  . The positive effects from lap and dye last 6-9 months I think, possibly even longer. Though I understand you have more immediate problems, with dh losing his job, hope something turns up soon  .

Emily caitlin, hope everything running smoothly for you. You must be starting to believe this is really going to happen now, have you told dd? That's always something I have dreamed about, being able to tell dd....

Hi to all you people AWOL, hoping you all ok, and enjoying your time with your precious ones  .

Hey eeyore, sorry about your problems ttc, but welcome aboard hun. It may take you a while to get to grips with everyone, and we are so many now that it is hard to keep up with us all, so don't worry about personals too much, and post away! Tell us a bit about your journey, that way we can listen, and be here for you. We're getting quite good at it!  


I was in Worc yesterday, as you know Pand. My friends baby's christening went fine, obviously I have the hope of something growing in my tummy, so that may have helped. But once the babies are here, I don't seem to find it half as bad, it's the pg's that I really struggle with. Shame I couldn't meet up with you Pand  , but the day went so quickly as it was.

I have put a lot of weight on, I'm hoping it's for a good reason, but in all honesty, I wouldn't be showing now anyway. However since having dd, whenever I put weight on it goes in a bump shape on my tummy, and I look about 5 months already when I don't try and hold it all in! Everyones going to think I've 'let myself go!' as we're still not telling anyone. Those pancakes for breakfast every morning on holiday, have a lot to answer for!

My mum is coming to stay tommorrow, we are going to southampton to visit some family at the weekend, so I will probably not be around much. 

Missing you already  

Love

Cindersxxx

We have a scan booked for thursday 21st. So if we make it that far, the day of reckoning...thursday 21st august.


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## emsylou

hello

Cinders - glad you survived your mil staying, your brave, i dont think i could stand to be around my mil for 1 minute never mind a week   i hope your scan goes well, not too long to wait although it must feel like the days are dragging very slowly, but lots of    to you  

Suszy - im glad you enjoyed your break, hope your ok.  

Eeyore - its nice to meet you, im sorry to hear that you are having problems ttc, but i wish you lots of luck with your ivf    

Pand - glad to hear you enjoyed your break. Hope your ok.  

Dustyrose - how are you hun, i hope your ok?  

Bubbs - where are ya !!! I hope your ok?  

Hello to evryone that i have missed, im sorry i didnt mean to miss you out, but big   to you all x


Me...  
Well i am still feeling like absolute poop  , evrywhere i look and evrywhere i go i seem to be surrounded my bumps, my best mates bump is getting bigger now and i cant help but feel so jelous, and my pg cousin is coming down to visit next week. I feel absolutley helpless, i am so fat and so horrible, i am trying to loose weight but i just cant shift it, i heard that a low gi diet can help to cure pcos, i dont know if its true but i realy want to give it a go. I have been trying to excercise more and eat better, but im still the same. I have got this way because i used to think, well i should eat this just incase i am pg i dont want to get hungry do i, but if i could turn back the clock and know what i know now then i wouldnt have been so stupid. I just feel like the only thing that i have thought about for the last 28 months is ttc and im getting a right headache from it, i know that there are people on here that have been trying for so much longer and have been through so much and my heart realy does go out to you. 
I thought that having my kitchen done would help take my mind of things and give me something to look foreward to as i normally enjoy decorating and things like that to keep me buisy but i just havnt got the motorvation to do anything.
Im supposed to be going out next month fancy dress but i dont know if i want to go as all of my friends that are going are all realy skinny and lovely, and i dont think that i have the guts to go fancy dress, to top things off my mil decided to tell me that she is having a bbq on the same day for her anniversary and made me feel guilty because i said i will go there untill about 8 and then i will have to go, i mean at least i am going to go and show my face but because its not what she wanted then shes having a strop with me, omg i think il just spend the night in on my own with a bottle of suthern comfort and my pjamas   
im deffinatley going to ring the hospital today as i still havnt heard anything from them, i was told at my last appt that they will send me an appt out in the post but they seem to be taking a long time i think they need a good    
anyways id better be off as i have got so much to do today, my ironing pile is soooooo big.
sorry if i have depressed you all, i do feel a bit better now that i have written all my feelings down.
love and luck to you all xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi all

Emma - You sound really fed up hun. I know what you mean about thinking about nothing else other than ttc - it is so draining isn't it?  It would be so nice to be able to just switch off from it and think 'if it happens it happens' but it's just not like that. Try not to worry about the weight too much, i'm sure it'll come off soon and the dreaded Clomid probably hasn't helped, I think they say you can put weight on with that. Go out and enjoy yourself with your friends, the skinny ones are probably looking at you wishing they had your curves! Hope you manage to get through to the hospital.

Cinders - Good news that you've got a date for your scan, I think as Pand said, we'll all breathe a sigh of relief after that.  The weight gain must be a good sign though, my friend that's just gone 12 weeks is showing, i guessed from looking at her and you're not that far behind. Thanks for your words of encouragement, I'm feeling a bit better this week, it was just a horrid week last week with DH losing job straight after shock of friends bfp when I was feeling a bit low anyway. I suppose after the consultant  found something at the lap which hewas able to put right I felt positive, and then it hit home that it still might never happen - it's just such a horrible thought to deal with. Having said that it really gives me hope that you got a natural bfp, you're my inspiration at the mo, I know it's still early days for you and I've got everything crossed for you I really have.


Pand/Suzy - I'm around tomorrow if you see this before then, I'd love to meet up. I'll PM you my mobile number if you want to text me.

Eeyore - welcome to the thread. I'm sorry you've had to put up with SIF for such a long time, I hope you're ivf goes well. 

Foxy2 - Hi and welcome too, please pop by again!!

Nic - How are you?

Bubblicious - Are you on hols?

Dizzyloo - Hope you're beautiful babies aren't getting you too tired. It was interesting to hear that you feel the pain of SIF has gone for you. That's something I've thought about a lot recently. I don't want to be feeling bitter for the rest of my life. I just hope I get a little bundle of joy to make it go away.

Dustyrose - Hpe you're still feeling positive about your plan. New york and Disneyworld - you lucky thing.  We got a puppy last year and he really has added an extra dimension to our family, I thoroughly recommend it. Although the extra housework he causes me is very annoying!!

emilycaitlin - hope that bump is growing well!

Laineylou - Are you ok? missing your posts.  

Hi to Jobo, lyndalou, missyb, wouldbegreat and anyone else I've missed.

Lots of hugs to everyone

Faithful x


----------



## Pand

WARNING - VERY SELF INDULGENT POST

I'm feeling really low. Was having a lovely day today with DS. We pottered around at home this morning and then went up to a large shopping centre near us for a wander this afternoon. I was in a really good mood, apart from being tired after being up for hours in the night with DS being sick bless him... he's much better today tho.

Then in the ELC I BUMPED into our old neighbour, who is still good friends with us. She told us she was pregnant with her second a couple of months ago. I took it really hard as they have had their first, and are not pregnant with their second in the time that we have been trying. She is now 27 weeks and looked positively lovely. A cute little bump, really healthy and glowing. I did the right thing and asked lots of questions about the pregnancy, when all the time I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I've tried so hard to get my head around the fact that we probably won't have any more children, but it's time like this I realise that I'm just not ok with it. The prospect of never carrying another child when we were so close last year is just so flipping painful. I know you all understand what I'm talking about. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want the hurt to go away. I don't deserve to feel like this. I just want to be satisfied with what I've got and enjoy it without the heartache.

I cried in the car on the way home and DS was so concerned bless him. He kept saying "It's not your fault mummy." Why me? Why my family? Why does my son have to see me like this? Why is he being punished? I hate my body, I hate being me. I just want to run away and be happy on a pregnancy/multiple child family free island.

I did warn you this was self-indulgent. And to top it all my consultant is going on leave so won't be able to track me for the clomid this month. It's not a major problem, but we could end up having to do BMS when I'm not even ovulating on my decent (ha ha) side.

Just feeling really sad. 

I don't expect any replies. I just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening guys.

love Pand


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## jobo5572

Oh Pand hun, you have every right to feel down. I think no matter how hard you try to be "OK" with things, if deep down you're not then it'll never go away. Plus the Clomid won't be helping your mood much. You know I am only down the road and on hand to help/be there at the drop of a hat so be self-indulgent and let me help ! Pretty please. I'm very sad that you don't want me to come over . Stop thinking about everyone else and think of yourself.

Hope DS is better. Don't worry about him seeing you upset. My GP was telling me that it's actually good for children to see their parents upset (OK, once in a while, not every waking moment !) as it shows them about a wide range of emotions (or something or other). DS is a very intelligent and loving little boy - all your doing - and he won't hold this against you. And he's so right - it ISN'T your fault. Don't hate yourself and don't hate your body - and don't be texting me things like your knickers being big enough to be a tent - for a few ants maybe, yes. It's mine that could sail a large ship !

We all understand where you're coming from. I just wish we could all find the pregnancy/multiple child family free island and live on it together. SIF ladies versus the world !

Whilst I was bored at work earlier I found these words on the Girl & Boy talk (slightly amended for SIF) which I intended to post tonight anyway. I would love to print them off for all my friends, ex-friends who have really hurt me, and for people in general that have no idea how dreadful this whole thing is. Or, for situations like today in ELC for you Pand - to just hand them out to people:

1. I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the "new me"&#8230;maybe you will still like me.

2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help.

3. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

4. I wish you wouldn't pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.

5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

6. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

7. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have more children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at another child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.

9. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight&#8230;sleep all the time or not at all&#8230;want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.

10. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too failed, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don't try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.

12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

13. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behaviour during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.

14. I wish that you will not avoid or stop calling because you don't know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you.

15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things (like pregnancies and christenings). Infertility does not make us bad people just people in pain.

16. I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs, but that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk.

17. I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind and respect my thoughts and actions.

18. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.

19. I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance and that this pain will subside.

20. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls.

21. Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something "wrong." It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.

22. I wish you could see that the goal is not to "get pregnant." It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.

23. I wish everyone knew that I do not judge them. There are many things which are part of life and I understand that life carries on. People face different choices and I will do my best to be there to love and support even if the situation is as far from my own as can possibly be imagined. When I discovered I was infertile I didn't lose my sense of human compassion.

24. I wish I had never had to write this and that people already knew about infertility and knew that it is ok to talk about it. If someone had a crisis then you would ask how they were doing - that's what infertility is, a life crisis, and just asking doesn't mean you will find yourself in an uncomfortable position, it will just show that you care enough to ask.

Really got to go as DS needs story and bed.

Big  Pand.

Love to everyone else.


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## jobo5572

Just a quickie (during Corrie break !):

Suszy/Pand/FFH - I am working tomorrow in Tewkesbury but could possibly meet for lunch or something ?  Let me know your plans and I'll see what I can do.

FFH - so sorry to hear about DH's redundancy.  I hope he gets something sorted out soon    

eeyore5700 - welcome to the thread !  

Emma - sorry you're feeling so down  

Cinders - everything croosed for you still


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## eeyore5700

Thanks for all the welcomes everyone  

I just read your post Pand and i will admitt i was in tears    
It so true and it does feel like the world is crashing down on you. You feel like a failure but not just to yourself, to your DS aswell. I hope that its true in what they say 'every cloud has its silver lining' and hopefully 1 day we will all find ours. hope its soon though.
Hope your feeling a little better now. 

I know how you feel and seeing pregnant people is hard. I really can sympothise with you. Im a midwifery support worker and i work with antenatal women all day long. I wonder everyday why i still do my job. I started when my son was 9 months ols and been there ever since. Some days its a chore to go to work, i see things i really cant cope with. I do get rewarding days when i see patients that have struggled to concieve and finally its worked for them. I see people who finally acheive their dream after ttc for so long and thats what keeps me going

Keep smiling


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## jobo5572

eeyore5700 - you are a very brave lady doing the job you do.  I don't think I could bear being surrounded by bumps every day.  In fact I know I couldn't.  For years I contemplated retraining to be a midwife but since the SIF I've decided it's not a good idea.

A little me post I'm afraid:

AF arrived this morning  .  I am so stupid (again).  Every month I get my hopes up over nothing.  I knew she was on her way as I've had tummy ache for days (as usual).  I'm just sick of this all taking over my life.  I spend 2 weeks of my life wondering if I'm going to ovulate or not, then the next 2 weeks wondering if I'll fall pg.  For goodness sake, why can't I just wake up in the mornings and think of something else ?  It's driving me to despair.  Last month the "happy pills" seemed to have had an effect in that I wasn't as completely distraught as normal - but this month I am absolutely gutted again and feel the pills aren't doing anything.  I'm very emotional at the moment anyway as DS finishes nursery tomorrow where he's been going for the past 3.5 years as he starts school in September.  I always had visions of him having a little brother or sister (or possibly 2) by the time he went to school but the poor wee mite is still all on his own  .  I feel I have completely failed him.  I fear that I have missed out on him growing up since the whole SIF took over my life, such has been my desperation for another child and a sibling for him.  I'll also be returning to work 5 days a week in September as I have no reason to be part-time any more....I have no other child to look after  .  I so wanted to fall pg before our IVF meeting in September - oh what a fool I am - need to get a grip and stop living in dream land.  We really can't afford IVF but it seems like our only hope so we'll have to find the money from somewhere even though we are already up to our eyeballs in debt.  I know it will be a dreadful emotional rollercoaster but I just have to give it a try even though the chances of success are slim to no chance.  I need to lose weight but I seem to be stuck in the vicious circle of comfort eating when I'm down so I'm just a big fat blob.  I give up  .

Sorry for the me post.  I am feeling very down but I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon.  Meeting up with Suszy, Pand & Faithfullyhoping at lunch time today so I will regain some strength from that as I'll be surrounded by fellow SIF friends.

Thank you for listening.


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## dustyrose

Jobo, I don't mean to post and run and will try and get back on here later to reply properly but my heart is hurting after reading your post and I want to give you the biggest hug. I so know where you are at right now with your experience--its not fun and it feels so desperate and self-loathing and angry. If it can bring any comfort at all, You are not alone in this grief. Im awash with emotions with DD starting school, and lying to myself and getting hopes up, feeling like a fat unhappy blob of poo and realising IVF is probabily the only choice. I am praying for you, and for all of us to somehow find peace in our hearts. It can't go on like this forever. Reminds me of that song "woman in chains" by tears for fears....

Gosh, my posts are getting more and more depressing. Im losing the plot!

Love, DR


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## Foxy2

Jobo/Dusty - Read your posts and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It DOES get easier. My DS started school last September and I was crushed. Thankfully he was only half days for the first term so that made it a little easier but I too had desperately wanted no.2 by that time. I had always envisaged pushing no.2 in pushchair to and fro school to meet DS but it obviously wasn't to be. I found the dread of him starting school so much worse than the actual event itself. Watching him flourish at school, make new friends and be so happy soon took away my own sadness. In fact we have had such a lovely year. i've had all the time in the world to spend with him after school and although it still upsets me a bit to see friends with their new babies at the school gates I have been so privaleged to be able to be involved in the school. I go in regularly to do cooking with DSs class, go on school outings, help out with reading, school plays, etc...all things that others would love to do and are unable because they have younger children. A few of them have actually confessed that they are jealous of my ability to do what I do. How ironic!

All I can say is, try to enjoy the time you have with your precious DS/DD over the summer and make sure you are busy on the first day of school. Don't go home feeling sad. No. 2 is just around the corner and then life becomes a juggling match to fit everything in. Jobo - do you have to go full time in Sept? It is so good having at least a day a week to be kind to yourself and do the things YOU want to do. You have not failed your DS you've just given him a chance to be the little person he wants to be before your attention is divided. Don't give up!


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## jobo5572

Dustyrose & Foxy2 - thank you so much for your lovely replies  .  Part of me thinks it's great to be able to talk things through with people who understand but the other part of me is so sad that others are experiencing the same pain as me  .  I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to sort us all out.  I hope you are both OK, and thank you again for your words - they really helped.   

Foxy2 - I am going back 5 days but only 32 hours as I can then do shorter days to fit around school drop offs/pick ups.  We're so strapped for cash that I couldn't afford to do any shorter part time days/hours and still have a day off, lovely as that would be.  I'm not good at making any "me" time anyway, and I keep getting a battering for it from the likes of my GP and some friends.  I know I should but I don't.  Naughty Jo  !

Pand/Suszy/FFH - thank you soooooooo much for lunch  .  

Suszy - It was lovely to meet up again with you and DS.  You are looking wonderful.  Have a fab time in Devon and I'll let you know if we're up north next week.  Take care  

Pand - You too were looking wonderful (as always) and very brown - or was that just dirt ?!  . Thank you for producing the tissues after my mini wobble  .  I will see you on Thursday night for our girly night !  Love you to bits  

FFH - it was great to finally meet you and your DD and I hope we can meet up again soon.  Your DD is lovely and she has a super giggle !  Look after yourself  .  Oh, and you looked wonderful too  .

I'm feeling slightly better having met my SIF friends face to face but I just doubt I'll ever be truly happy ever again.

Love to all.

Jo


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## nic172

Hi everyone - hope everyone is well - havnt posted for ages as have been here, there and everywhere and strangley enough have loved it - been too busy to keep checking diary on countdown for the dreaded witch!!

susie - so sorry didnt get to catch up - would really of loved to feel like im miles out here from you lot so would of been nice but didnt get on here to read message until it wass too late  - sorry - how was rainy boro for you?

Pand - i really feel for u - bumping into these people is NEVER easy - my uncle ( who is older than me and seems to have it all!!!!!!!) and his partner are now considering trying for  baby number 3 ( theyve had the other 2 both while i have been trying!). The smug bas*!*ds are now even considering when to fall pregnant so to get the best use of there buggy and spring/ summer walks!! The luxury it really boils my wee!! but like everyone else we grin and bear it and do are best to ask the right questions and pretend to be over the moon for them!!!  Chin up though - one day we might be that one with the bump making sum other poor person jealous!!! Fingers crossed and lots of luck xx


cinders - bet your on a countdown now for the scan - u have my warmest wishes and ill keep everything crossed for u xx

faithful - thanks for ur warm welcome -hope ur well - has your DH had any luck with a job? How u both coping?? Bet it makes a change from sif being the only thing on your mind!!

Emma - go out and enjoy yourself - bet u wont look fat just beautiful! I agree twiggys out wud probably love your curves xx

to everyone who i havnt done personals - sorry - i will get round to it - still just finding my feet!! But hope all well and plodding on xx Big hugs and Heaps of luck to you all xx

Anyway - i started doing virgin vie parties this week and love it!! Believe it or not it has took that time away - you know when the kids are in bed and you have ANOTHER sneaky peak at your diary / calander- counting down or up to when your going to ovulate or when the dreaded period is due!! been busy on a night so am not checking and double checking as i normally do!!
Only done 5 parties so far but believe it or not at 2 of them i met other ladies with similar sif problems!! felt like i was the only one until now! ( and of course you lot- but having not met any of you was good to see someones faces/ emotions/ reactions- when they talk about it - dont feel like such a moaning losers i did)

Wishing luck and love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Pand

Hi,

What lovely people there are on here.  It just goes to show, bad things only happen to good people, and I really believe that getting to know all my FFs!!!!

Just wanted to say, Jo, my heart aches for you.  As some of the others have said, so much more eloquently than I can, we share your pain, frustrations and misery.  We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other chick.  

To everyone else for their kind words, thank you so much.  I just keep saying my mantra...

THAT WHICH DOESN'T KILL US CAN ONLY MAKE US STRONGER. 

I won't let this beat me.  I'll keep fighting.

Love to all.

Pand


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## wouldbegreat

Hi girls 
Bad news for me today i had a hycosy and both tubes are blocked   Gutted but can't give up  
Wbg


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## tuck

WBG sorry to hear your news darling, you must be gutted.  Fear same for me though i only have the 1 tube.  Will you go for ivf?

Just wanted to echo Pands words and say once again everyone on here we all have the same worries, upsets and desires to have another child and to have such a supportive place to come when things are hard is just so amazing.

jobo, I had the same last month thinking it may have worked then hopes dashed. ....and then i had a weird af and went hysterical because i thought i was having a 3rd ectopic so had to do a test and was so pleased when it was negative which is so ironic cos i want a bfp more than anything right now.  i share your sentiments exactly and as our sons are similar ages i know where you are coming from re. school and thank you so much foxy 2,you don't now how much better your post made me feel too.  

Sorry not been on much, a combination of being away, being busy with work and sometimes just feeling too damn down to post,  all my friends have had the babies now, 3 born in the last  3 weeks - 2 girls and a boy they are all beautiful and all natural conceptions and easy births and whilst of course I am so pleased for them my god it hurts.,it really hurts more than anything else.

No more time to catch up properly with personals etc but just to let you ladies know not forgotten you and still here even if not posted in a while.


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## Jane D

Your messages have helped me so much.  Was dreading school, but less scared now.  My dd starts half time school in September.  Have gone to her school induction and to playgroup beforehand to suss out all the kids.  have become mates with mum of an only child.  Not sure if there are any others amongst them.  I have had so many experiences and feelings since last December when I found out I have reduced ovarian reserve.  A friend of mine whose boy goes to another school told me that 3 of his friends mums are having problems with ttc no 2.  A lady in my mothers street has secondary and a friend of my sister in law.  My god daughter is an only child too.  

I assume all the world has 2 kids most of the time.  Was proved wrong last week.

Last week I spoke to a mum in nursery, picking up her 4 year old.  I expected an 11 year old sib waiting in the car.  Don't know how it came out, but she said he is an only and had him at 42.  She was so content and happy.  I got comfort from that, but at the same time I did not, as I had dd at 33, and tried for  no 2 at 35 years.  I would be the happiest woman on earth if I had gambled and suceeded at 42.  I would accept an only child more readily then.  

Anyway the upshot is, I have accepted I cannot have any  more bio children, as my fsh is 10 years older than me, and I am going for DEIVF abroad.  I have also sold all my baby stuff and feel liberated.  I can always buy new stuff.  Thank you for the lovely thoughts posted on here, they make me stronger.  I know I am not a regular, but I do look in all the time.

Love to you all

jane


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## Foxy2

Morning Ladies and hello to all the new people I've not yet met.

Tuck _ your post really caught my eye as it seems you've had a similar journey to me. I did a naughty test yesterday (shld be tomorrow) and there was the faintest line but i've had pains and discomfort all on the left side since day 3 after IUI and I just know things are not right  . we had planned on an IVF this time due to the increased risk of a repeat ectopic but since I had a poor response we switched to IUI again and crossed our fingers. I phoned my clinic a week after treatment to tell them about the pains but they just said it was unlikely to feel pain from an ectopic so early and it's probably nothing. Boobs got a bit sore but no other symptoms and now this faint, almost invisible line. The clinic have promised to scan as soon as is possible to detect a uterine pregnancy but I just feel miserable - I want to know now so that we can try to sort thngs out quickly and hopefully without surgery. I know it's daft because even if the tube is saved it will be useless but the thought of losing another one terrifies me. What happens with a cornual(?) ectopic? Do you have surgery too? I presume IVF is the route for you too now?

So sorry for the depressing post first thing in the morning but have had a terrible night and just needed to put things down. I've lost all my PMA for now. Hopefully will pick myself up again later but so sick of having to keep doing this. Have lunch later with a friend who is bound to ask how I am and I'll probably just smile and say "fine thanks" and change the subject. FED UP of the struggle - why can't things be easier?


Sorry not to catch up on any more personals but as you can tell  - not really in the mood. 
xx


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## tuck

Foxy

Couldn't read and run.  I understand exactly how you feel, doing a test and getting a line will never be the same with the legacy of having had an ectopic hanging over our heads.  However, quiet congrats and if this is a positive, statistically there is a high probability it will be alright, i was just very very unlucky (and yes sadly I did have surgery again for my cornual) .  The  chance of repeat ectopic is just 10% so that is a 90% chance it will be fine.

Do you know what side you ovulated from in the iui.  If it was the left and you are pregnant the pain you are feeling could be from a corpeus luteum (sp) cyst which appears on the ovary early on to sustain the pregnancy and can be painful.  If you are really worried why don't you ask the clinic for hcg test so you can see what is happening to your levels.

All I can say is try to keep positive although I know how difficult that is and if you have any questions let me know, I seem to have turned into a bit of an expert on ectopic due to my experiences.

Big   and let us know how you get on.


Tuckxxx


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## Foxy2

Thanks Tuck. I have rung the clinic this afternoon and the nurse is going to check with my consultant if there is anything they want to change about my next appointment but I need to ring tomorrow morning having tested again. They are adament i should not be feeling pain from another ectopic so soon and said not to worry  . What was your experience? Did you know that there was something wrong second time? x


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## tuck

Have pm'ed you

xxx


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## Foxy2

Thank you Tuck - you've been a crutch (so's to speak!)   

Quick update - tested this morning and BFN!! Phew! Never thought I would be glad to see a negative result but this was a nasty ole rollercoaster ride to be on and I wanted to get off. Gonna chill out now and then IVF attempt 2....BRING IT ON!!!

Thanks to everyone for your support. Hope you're not disappoiinted! I'm sure there will be some BFPs posted on here very soon from all of us. Hang in there Ladies. xxx


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## wouldbegreat

I had already made my mind up to end this journy as its time for us to stop i was right about op not working and i know i am right about this .

we went away for day yesterday and when i got home i had the letter of diognosis .My left tube didn't move far at all and  i found out  my right tube has hydrosalpinx ( fluid in my tube) and would have to have it removed or clipped before ivf so its defiantly over for us I'm not going through anymore .

Unfortunatly this causes me pain and has done since before op so who knows i will proberly have to go through more   yet anyway to get it seen to   I have emailed my con as i think this was already their before op   i also had 2 clips on that side and he did say it was dificalt to do but the left was easy .Thats why i was a little shocked the left tube dye didn't move  

On the plus side i have a wonderful family and husband we are very happy and love to do things together and im going to enjoy them this site has been amazing and i have learnt so much and meet some wonderfull people .And the whole thing has been allot easier to deal with having the support


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## faithfullyhoping

Flying visit as i'm supposed to be getting ready for camping trip but didn't want to read and run.

Wouldbegreat - so sorry that it hasn't worked for you hun, you sound like you're being very brave about it all. I hope that they can sort the pain out for you and that you're able to move on from all of this and enjoy your life and family.

Lots of love and hugs

Faithful x


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## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

Just wanted to post to say I am still alive  

Been taking a break from all the IF sh*te and just couldn´t face posting.  Am actually in Mexico at the moment so have a good excuse for not posting but was worried about Cinders as I sent a couple of quick texts and hadn´t heard from her.  Glad to hear there seems to be no news on that front.  I come home on 21 August so will log in that day to hear the news.  Please text me and let me know how the scan goes.  

Am miles behind with the news and see there are new faces so welcome to them.

Just saw your post Pand and wanted to give you a   all the way from the continent of America.  My arms are very long  

Love to everyone else - Suzsy, Missy, FFH, Tuck, etc, etc

See you soon Gringos!

Lainey x


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## Pand

Morning!!

Lainey-lou - It's so good to hear from you and thank you for the  !  Glad you're having a break and it sounds like you're enjoying yourself!  Hope you come back stronger and ready to resume the fight!

Faithfullyhoping - Have a great camping trip!!!!  How did DH get on with his interview?

WBG - Aw mate.  You still sound like you are in lots of pain, both emotionally and physically.  I had a hydro in my left tube and I know how painful they are.  I know you've been through a lot already, but I promise the op to have my tube removed was ok, honest.  It was done by laporoscopy and was relatively quick and the recovery was only a couple of weeks.  It was so worth it, not just to help my chances of conceiving but to take the pain away.  Whatever decision you make I wish you all the luck inthe world.

Foxy2 - Sorry I haven't been around when you were having such a rotten time!  I'm not surprised you're relieved you got a BFN.  Another ectopic would have been pretty disastrous!  Good luck with the IVF.

Tuck - Sound advice from you hun.  How are you doing?


Jane D - Good luck with your DEIVF.  Fingers crossed for you.

Suzy - Hope you had a lovely time in Devon!  You looked so well and healthy the other day.  I would kill for skin like yours!!!!!!  Fingers crossed for September and looking forward to meeting up again soon.

Missyb - Still thinking of you!

Cinders - Ditto!!!!

Jo - Thank you for a lovely afternoon yesterday and for Thursday night!  Mama Mia was so funny and has kept me grinning for the rest of the week.  In fact, Thursday night turned my week around.  You are a fab mate.  I hope that sh*thead of a husband made up for forgetting your anniversary!!  Love ya!


Hi to Nic, Emma, Bubs, Dustyrose, Eeyore and anyone else I have forgotten!

Quick me update:

I've had such a lovely week this week with my DS.  I can't believe that a bloke serving me in M&S the other day said "Are you counting down the weeks til they go back to school?"  Er NO!!!!  I feel so relaxed and chilled out.  I really don't want to go back to work, and I would much rather spend my time with my little man just doing stuff!!!  

I'm feeling a little better than I was earlier in the week.  Met up with lots of SIFs this week and have been trying really hard to be more positive about only having one child.  I am so lucky to have such a fab little boy, a supportive husband, a challenging job and lovely friends.  And there are lots of positives to having just one child too.  It's just that in my low moments I tend to forget those!!!!

Not looking forward to tomorrow tho.  Two birthday parties to go to.  One of them is the pregnant friend's little boy and it's possible the couple who alway say horrid things and upset me might be there.  I'd really rather not go, but I don't want to offend the couple who's party it is!!  I'm not going to have people accusing me of being bitter because they are pregnant and I'm not (even tho I am!).  Ah well.  Fingers crossed it will be ok.

Am going to go and have a look at some tattoo designs today.  I've been wanting a tattoo to mark the 10th Sept  (1 year anniversary of mc) for a while, so DH and I are going to buy one for each other for our wedding anniversary.  So wish me luck!

Anyway, that's enough waffling for now!  Speak soon everyone!

Pand


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## Jane D

Thanks Pand for your good wishes.  I had a wedding party again last night with Dhs work.  Saw an ex colleague of mine, well meaning but asked about me having another.  I was ok, said I am a bit old now, and that I was concentrating on getting dd settled at school first.  Of course she said I am not too old.  I said we will have to see.  Sat with a childless couple last night who were lovely.  No talk of kids for 30 mins, it was great.  They do know I have  a dd, and the husband commented on how beautiful the picture of dd is on dhs desk.  Appreciating their position I changed the subject, but i so felt for them as they were a lovely couple.  Spoke to a lady in her thirties who is child free and she told me she gets pd off with people asking about when she will have babies.  I told her it was bad if you had one and that people would say stupid things.  We let off a bit of steam there, it was good.  Took dd to dentist and we both had an appointment with dentist.  Dd as ever sat and waited - our kids are so good arent they?  anyway dentist asked me if I wanted another, I said I was a bit too old, she said I am young and I made up a story about having a traumatic birth (lie) with dd and she left it there.  They just dont realise. But I am ok.  Not prepared to say I cannot have more kids cos how will I explain a possbile deivf success?

Anyway have a good weekend all.  I will drop in from time to time with updates on my deivf.

Love to you all

Jane
xx


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Just a few personals before I get tucked up in bed....

Pand - thanks for a lovely afternoon yesterday.  It's great to see the boys play so well, even if DS's legs can't keep up with your DS's !  Hope your birthday parties go well tomorrow and there's no nasty comments made...you know what to do if there are  .  Thank you also for your supportive texts - it really is comforting to know that someone cares  .  Hope you thoroughly enjoy the rest of the school holidays.  Lots of love  

Jane D - very best of luck with your DEIVF.  Please keep us posted and take care  

Lainey-lou - so good to know you're still alive !  Hope you're having a lovely time in Mexico.  It's p*ssing down with rain here in the UK  ...again.  Look after yourself  

WBG - sorry to hear the results of the hycosy  .  Hope they manage to sort out the pain for you and you can move on.  

Tuck - Well done on getting through the past few weeks with all those newborns.  I remember so well how 2 years ago 3 of my NCT "friends" all had no.2 baby within weeks of each other.  It was really tough.  You hang on in there !  

Cinders - thinking of you  

MissyB - miss you !

Foxy2 - good luck with your next IVF   

Suszy - hope you had a great time in Devon  

FFH - hope you're not being washed out on your camping trip  

nic172 - glad you've met other people with similar problems.  Enjoy doing your Virgin Vie parties.

Hello to everyone I've missed (not intentionally)  .

I've got the next 2.5 weeks off work   so can spend plenty of time with DS before he starts school.  Unfortunately we're skint so can't afford a holiday but am just looking forward to spending time with DS and friends.  I am still dreading the start of school and need to buy some super-dark glasses for the school gates on day 1 !

It was my 5th wedding anniversary yesterday and DH decided to ruin it by doing nothing whatsoever  .  He then came in from work with a card and asked "what were the chances  ".  Huh !  As if ?!?!?!!?!?  Wrong time of the month anyway  !  Serves him right.  MEN   !

Take care everyone.


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## SUSZY

HI Girls
I am back from my travels (til the end of the week!) and had a nice time in Devon with my Dad and step mother, and we went crabbing to Appledore which was lovely and to the beach at Saunton Sands - it was fun.
We came back straight to a party and it was lovely to see Ds see his friends again and get on well with them all and although there was a baby there her third and at 45 didnt take much notice of it, had a few glasses of wine and a good old natter with a few which was nice. 
Well af is here so will phone bham in the morning and get some dates in the diary, actually feeling quite positive and excited now.

missby - hope you are ok, we miss you

Jobo - sorry about your dh he really is a bit naughty sometimes, it was so lovely seeing you the other day and i do hope you enjoy this time off and find plenty to do - if you do get up this way let me know.  Sounds like you had fun with Pand you are so lucky to live near each other.  You looked lovely too and just felt sorry for you having to go back to work and hope you did not get into trouble.  Jobo I am not saying school is not going to be hard and sad but unfortunately he has to go and he will enjoy it and you will want him to and the day goes really quick, esp with you working and he will be fine.  Do try and enjoy these weeks with him, how many weeks of half days does he have.  I wont lie and say ds going to school was very hard for me but its also nice to have that time to oneself.  I cannot believe that he is going back into year 2!  Life just goes too quick, i am secretly hoping that I will see less babies as time goes on.

foxy hope you are ok glad you are finding the site so helpful.

nic - your virgin ve parties sound fun and am glad they are taking your mind of things, shame about meeting up but as ever time went quickly, i actually went really close to the house of one of the other girls from another thread but it was late and we were at the end of a 7 hour journey so did not go in but next time we go to visit dhs family will let you know.  his sister lives in guisborough which is a really nice part

Pand - it was lovely seeing you the other day and you look really well too and it was lovely to see the kids playing so well and hope your parties went well and glad you are feeling more positive about having one child - there are advantages as we all know but its hard to remember them when faced with new borns.

ffh - it was lovely to meet you and your lovely dd - it was fun wasn't it.

jane - hi sweetheart - glad to see you posting on here and as soon as I am settled back we will meet up again. Glad you enjoyed your wedding party and that you spent time with some lovely people.

lainey so lovely to hear from you and so glad you are having a lovely holiday in mexico and enjoying yourself.

cinders - you have gone very quiet on us do hope you are ok and thinking of you and wishing you luck for the scan this week

wbg so sorry to hear about your tubes honey and that you have decided to stop - thinking of you and wishing you well

tuck - thinking of you as ever sweetheart, its so hard seeing the babies isn't it but keep going sweetheart - we are here for you.  I got sent an email photo of the girls baby who was due at the same time as me she had a baby girl on 9th at home in a birthing pool just what I have always wanted but will probably never have even if get pregnant.

emma hope you are ok

bubb you have gone quiet


emily caitlin hope you are ok sweetheart

eeyore hope you are ok

dustyrose - hope you are ok sweetheart

lyndalou hope you are ok

dizzy lou hope you are ok and not too tired!

Well thats about it for now, ds is asleep next to me as he is tired out after party and bbq last night and we stayed in the van outside their house.  dh is outside fixing the car AGAIN! talking to the neighbour who says he does not want us to move as he likes us as neigbours! was only telling him about my other friends who have moved south to devon and how it might be nice one day.

Feeling fairly happy and sorted and just want to get on with it and sort out my new life in sep ie may do a course or two, get a dog, and obviously the tx.  Want to enjoy the last few weeks of the holiday too we are off to solfest on thursday a very chilled out event in the lakes and then back for a day and to Somerset with my mum and weekend with her and friends and then back up here to school.  was dreading sep but also kind of looking forward to it.
thanks to all of you for always being there for me.

take care everyone

love

susie


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## dustyrose

Evening ladies, Me Post Sorry No personals

Im sorry that Im unable to write personals tonight as I need to tidy up the house for the cleaner 2morrow (yes, I am one of THOSE women! ha ha ha.) Just wanted to say that Im thinking of all of you. FF has become something so important to me, and such an integral part of my sanity and I wish that I knew you all in my 'real' life!

Just wanted to update that I did finally speak up and tell four of my friends on the street how I feel. Totally out of character for me and felt like such a needy mess. It came out with a whole lot of tears that I just couldn't control but I did it and Im so relieved that I did. I agree with your advices that if they are true friends, they will understand. I've done what I needed to do for myself and I can't control how they take what I've said. I tried to tell them with sensitivity as they have just had babies and one just announced to me this week that she is expecting her third. I didnt want them to take it personal and I said that I don't expect anything from them except to understand that I need some time on my own to get strong again, that this is my journey and as happy as I am for them I am deeply sad for me, especially as I am grieving the fact that I am unable to conceive naturally.

All in all it went pretty well. I know they are probabily doing a bit of gossiping and I accept that but I don't feel like I need to keep hiding from the phone or the front door. And if I meet up with them or see them out and I feel down, I don't have to act all chirpy when infact I feel like poo.

Also, lost three pounds the last two weeks and working out 3 times a week with gym and swimming. Trying to cut out carbs and sugars, no caffeine and taking my pills again. Alcohol too. Funnily enough, this low mood took my appetite away, which is a first, so it hasn't been that difficult yet. 
Im still not okay but slowly starting to feel moments of wanting to smile again. So many thoughts running through my head about IVF and the journey ahead. I don't think I want to wait until January, feels too long and my mind can't take it. So might start in the next three months, like end of October when I stop childminding. Also, Im seriously thinking about the egg sharing program at Oxford and discussed it with my consultant. Before my infertility, I really wanted to be a surrogate and well circumstances have changed but in this way I may possibly be able to give another couple a baby. It could be my own version of the 'circle of life' so to speak. Anway, I've literally just typed a summary of what I've been obsessing about in my head the last two weeks. I'll say goodnight to you all. Welcome back to those who have taken time out from FF or who have been away on hols. Love to all. xxxxx


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## Pand

Just a quickie...

I got my tattoo on Saturday.  I have a little butterfly with three small stars and one bigger one on my ankle (three stars for me, dh, and ds and one bigger one for the baby I lost last year).  It might sound daft to some people, but I still carry the pain of it around in my heart and I wanted something to represent that on the outside as well as something which will always be with me.  It's the anniversary of my mc on 10th Sept and I just wanted to do something to mark the date, as I've been having some nightmares about it recently.  I was chatting to Jobo yesterday and saying, miscarriage is a horrendous experience, no matter what the stage of pregnancy and no matter what your circumstances are.  But for people in our position, it's not just the loss of a baby, it's probably the loss of the last chance of ever being a mum again.  We can't go on and just "try again."  Any BFPs we get are complete miracles and we have no way of knowing if we will ever be blessed with another.

So there you go.  Just wanted to tell you all.

Lots of love
Pand


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## emsylou

good morning girlies

Dustyrose - well done hun, you did realy well telling your friends, at least like you aid you wont have to put on a front any more when your feeling pants, and your real friends will be there for you and try to understand how you are feeling. Oh and well done on your weight loss, i am supposed to be trying to loose weight but im struggling, im too much of a chocoholic lol.  

Suszy - glad you enjoyed your break hun, i used to go to devon a lot when i was growing up, used to love it there, havnt been there since i was about 12 though, i hope your ok?  

Jobo5572 - hun im sorry to hear about your dh ruining your anniversary, my hubby didnt even get me a card so you should count your self lucky to have had one lol men will be men hey    hope your ok?  

Pand - aww hun what a lovely idea re the tattoo, hope your ok?  your post filled me up big   to you xxx

hello to evryone else, sorry i missed you out but big  to you all.


Well... me me me,
am having major pains from my wisdom tooth again, the same one as last time, but am managing to cope without going to the dentist (just about) 
went to a bbq at my nans on saturday and lots of my family from wales came down too, it was nice to see them, i got quite drunk and embarrassed my self a little bit   never mind though. Was having a chat with my cousin, he manages 3 night clubs and said that if i fancy going to one he will give me the vip treatment, no quing at the door and free drinks all night and access to the vip lounge, so i am deffinatley going to take him up on his offer!!    It was nice to see cousins that i havnt seen for years and my aunty who i havnt seen since i was a little girl. The rain was terrible, luckily they had put a marquee out side and we all sat out there but still managed to get soaked, i had white trousers on aswell so it was lucky i was too drunk to carwe that i was filthy dirty   was also speaking to my other cousin who's baby is due on 2 weeks and evryone was making a big issue about him leaving his girlfriend at home and i couldnt help it but i could feel my self getting realy jelous when they kept talking about how big her bump is and that shes goiung to be having a big baby and she was scared, so i got up and walked out, i didnt mean to be nasty but i just had to walk away before i filled up. Also my aunty started the conversation of whos next, and my younger brother doesnt have any kids and she was saying i this hes next he has to be, hes been with his fiancee for too long its their turn now, and then she looked at me and said are you going to have any more? I just looked at dh and didnt answer her just smiled, i dont think that i would have been able to talk the lump in my throat was huge! I havnt realy told many people about my problems and havnt told any family, only some of dh's family know, not down to me though. So i didnt know what to say.
I didnt write down when my last af was, so i have no idea when this months one is due, but i am just going to try and forget about it,i know its probably not a good idea but i am going to give it a try, why not hey? Although i dont think it is going to happen again this month as we have only had bms twice since my last af i mean i know it only takes me to ov and one good swimmer so i shouldnt give up all hope but i cant help it. 
MY car broke down on saturday morning, it has been doing like a juddering thing for a couple of days but i didnt think much of it because i have got my eye on a new one, but i had to drop hubby to work at 7.30 in the morning, so i took the girls out in their nighties and slippers and i still had my pjama bottoms on. We were half way there and i had to pull over because it didnt feel right and then i couldnt pull off again so we had to phone the aa, and they came out and told us what was wrong and towed us home, so i have had no car for 2 whole days now and it feels so strange. Am having it looked at today though, hopefully il be back on the road later! I keep moaning at hubby though telling him i need a new car because this one makes me feel so sad, and he is slowly giving in to me, i rekon another 2 weeks or so and he will come round to my way of thinking!!! 

anyways id better be off, have got so much to do today and i have spent most of the morning on here AGAIN   

lots of love and luck to you all xxx


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## emsylou

hiya, what a nightmare, i lost my dog (candyfloss) yesterday afternoon and searched evrywhere for her, have been worried sick, but phoned around the vets and someone had taken her home and was looking after her for me, feel so glad to get her back.

Well i phoned the hospital yesterday because i hadnt heard from them in a while, at my last appt i was told that i would get an appt through the post soon, but i gave in and calld them, and have got an appt for 18th september, hopefully at this appt they will be able to push things along, as hubby has been discharged now because his last sa came back nearly normal so its only me they have to try and sort out now. Am feeling a bit more posotive about going to this appt now as i have loads of things that i have learned from evryone on here and tonnes of questions i want to ask. Any ways id better be off.

oh and im going to have my car fixed tomorrow WHOOP WHOOP lol cant wait i have been with out red fred (my car) since saturday i feel lost having to walk evrywhere again lol 


Cinders - good luck for your scan tomorrow. xxx


ttfn xxx


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## jobo5572

Just a quickie.....

Cinders - the very best of luck for your scan on Thursday .  I have everything crossed for you hun  

Pand - the tattoo is looking super and I think it's a lovely thing you have done to remember Tom Tom.  You are a very brave lady having a tattoo - ouch  !

That's all folks...off to Fat Club soon to be told I'm, er, too fat !

Jo


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## emsylou

ooops sorry cinders think im going   have been thinking its wednesday all day today lol  i mean good luck for thursday x


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## lyndalou

Hi lovely Ladies

Not posted for a bit. Needed some time to get over mc but have been thinking of you all. Turned 40 on Sunday had an
amazing party with jazz piano player and fireworks [surprises from DH]. Turning 40 I feel under pressure to start thinking about further tx but I dont really feel strong enough yet. Guess our 2 frosties will be tthe next step!

Much love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dustyrose

Good to hear from you LyndaLou. Sounds like you had a excellent birthday.

Thinking of you for your scan Cinders tomorrow. May Love, Luck and Light be with you.    

To everyone, hope you've had a nice day!    

xxxx


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## cinders35

Hey you guy's,

Just a quicky I'm afraid. I seem to have no spare time for the computer with dd off school!
I'm sorry no personals, but wanted to let you know about the scan.

There is a baby in there! I was absolutely petrified lying on that couch! But there was a baby, with a hearbeat and arms and legs in the right place, so from that side of things are looking good. But, (isn't there always one?!) they measured the nuchal translucency, which is one of the the things they look for in Downs. Unfortunately the measurement is a bit high. I had bloods done today aswell, and they will use those results with the measurement they took and my age to calculate my risk of having a downs baby. From the scan alone it would be high, but we have to wait for the blood results.
So as thrilled as I am to have reached 12weeks, and have what appears to be a viable pregnancy, I am still so worried.

Going to do some research into my results now.

Thankyou all so much for thinking of me,

I am thinking of you all too.

Sorry am not being very supportive at the moment  .

Lot's of love to ALL,

Cindersxxx


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## RLH33

Congratulations Cinders on your scan.  I am pleased to hear there is a baby there    I also really hope that all your blood tests come back with a low risk for Downs.  

So here's some        but also some     and   that all will be well.

RLH


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## jobo5572

Hi ladies

Just a quickie as I'm not long in from a 2 hour drive following a lovely 2 day stay away "up north" with DS and am fairly knackered.

Just wanted to say:

Cinders - thanks for your text tonight with your news - as I said to you, I'm so thrilled for you that there is a mini Cinders in there  ! I expect the past 6 weeks have dragged on for ever and a day and you must be so relieved to have finally had the scan and be officially PREGNANT (what does that word mean again ?!) !! Sorry they have worried you at the scan - is nothing straight forward for us SIF ladies ?! Grrr . Don't be doing too much research on-line.....the internet is a scary place....remember, you could meet someone like me....oh you did . Joking apart, I have everything crossed for you that mini Cinders is doing OK and that things work out how you want them to . I hope they don't keep you hanging on for too long with the blood results. Keep us posted hun    

Pand - just needed to give you this - 

Must get off and get to bed, but must watch that annoying wench being evicted from BB first !!

Love to all....sorry no more personals. I'm pooped.


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## Pand

Hi everyone,

I wrote a really long post this morning with loads of personals and then lost it.. aghh!!!!  So here goes again!

Cinders - I am so relieved that you can finally believe there is a little person in there chick.  I know you must be very worried about the nuchal results, any normal human being would.  One hurdle at a time chick, one hurdle at a time and you do have very long legs.  We are here for you if you need to chat about it or off load.  Please let us know what your research finds out. When do you get the bloods result?

Jo - You have been so wonderful this week.  Thank you so much for all of your support you are a lovely friend.

Suzy - How are you?  Still jetting all over the shop?  

Lyndalou - Great to hear from you chick and glad you had a great birthday.

Dustyrose - Think you did the right thing telling your friends.  I think people should be more aware of our plight and hopefully they will support you a little more from now on.  

Lainey - Where are you?  We miss you hun.

Missyb - Missing you too chick!

Hi to EVERYONE else (there are too many to mention these days!).

Right,  I will try to keep this brief.

I have been feeling really positive lately.  Trying to see the good things about being a family of three and trying to be grateful for what we already have.  Went down to London on Thursday to take part in a Channel Four programme about fertility which was a great forum for raising awareness about SIF.  

Cinder's news really lifted me that day too.  It's funny how one person's pregnancy news can make you so happy when someone elses totally floors you.  On Thursday evening we got a call from my BIL and SIL.  They are pregnant (surprise surprise) having only tried for one month.  They were keen to point out that they have a long way to go and my MIL pointed out that they have a high risk of another Edwards baby so they are really worried.  

I cried buckets that night.  I cried myself to sleep.  In the time we have been trying they have got pregnant, had their first child and are now pregnant with their second.  If this pregnancy progresses well they will have their family.  Their nightmare will be over.  They will have an end to all their worry and pain.  I'm NEVER going to get my happy ending.  My pain will stay with me for the rest of my life.  I just don't have the energy or strength to be supportive to them.  I don't even want to see them. I can't feel happy for them, just dread at the next nine months where everyone will expect me to be the supportive sister in law, where they will flaunt their pregnant belly and new born baby at me and I will be expected to be pleased for them.  It sounds so awful, but I can't feel pleased.  It just hurts.  It hurts so much.  

And to top it all off, I went to collect my little man from his friend's house today (they know about all of our problems and already have two children) and their mum announced that she is fifteen weeks pregnant as well.  It feels like I'm under attack.  It feels like life just keeps twisting the knife.  I've cried so much over the last few days.  I really want to find a way of coping with these set backs but I'm at a loss for how to do it.  I so want to come to terms with our situation so that I can just enjoy other people's good news but I don't know how to do it.  I don't want to live like this any more.  I just want this to all be over.  I just want an end to the hurt.  

I know you ladies all understand, but I still feel like a bad person for feeling so angry towards my BIL and SIL especially when they have been through enough heartache as it is.  I can't believe what SIF has done to me.  I used to be a nice person.  Now I'm just a bitter, barren old bag.  Not what I imagined for my future.

Sorry for the vent but it's been another rough few days and it looks like that is set to continue.

Love

Pand


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## dustyrose

hello girlies,

Im about to embark to Heathrow for our flight to Italy but just popped on to see that Cinders---you have a real and true baby in your tummy! Whoo hooo! Congratulations honey. As the girls have said, take it one step at a time and avoid the internet if you can. I have heard a lot of conflicting outcomes on nuchal scans, my sis and my sis in law I know had very high chances and were absolutely fine in the end. Im sure other people are much more knowledgeable in this area but just want to give you some encouragement and positive thoughts.....wish I could hug you!!! 


Pand, an enormous hug to you too. Your pain that you are describing is so raw and emotional and we all share and empathise with your feelings. I wish there was a button I could press to make it all go away. Can I say-- there is a great book that I am reading called the seven sins of parenting your only child. It sounds a bit off-putting but it really talks about SIF alot and some of the emotions we feel. It has helped me to deal with the guilt I feel for not giving my daughter a sibling and some ways that we can free our minds from some of poo that SIF clouds our mind with.  It also gives some positive tips on enjoying your family of three. Ups and down Pand, our journey is tough but hold on to that spark of positivity you desribed. (by the way I should take my own advice).

Jobo, Emma, Bubbs, Whippet, LL, Lainey, Suzy, MissyB, RLH, Tuck and everyone that I am missing out on---Hello Hello! Hope you have strong and positive weeks ahead.

Will be back in just over a weeks time. Im hoping that My DH and I get some time to ourselves while we stay with the inlaws. I pray my diet lasts with all that Italian food. I'm losing hope as its been two weeks and Im still a size 14-16!!! Girls, Im so darn hungry! ha ha ha....


Love and love and love. xxxxxxx


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## RLH33

Hello everyone

Just thought I would pop in and say hello.

Pand - It is hard to read about the pain you are going through and I so wish that there was something that I or someone else could do to make you feel better, however apart from making you pregnant I have a feeling that it is something you, and many of us dealing with SIF, will have to deal with in your own way.  Rest assured though that on this site you will get all the support, love and prayers that you could possibly wish for.  As well as a place to vent your rage/disappointment/worries etc (the list is endless) without feeling bad.

As regards myself I am doing ok, I was really disappointed last week when I found that the second course of clomid didn't work.  I really hoped it would which was silly to raise my hopes.  However I am feeling much better now and am trying to remember that although I have been 'trying' for nearly 2 years now it is only the last 2 months that I have actually ovulated and therefore really had a chance of getting pregnant.  It took me four months to get a bfp with my ds so there is no reason why this time it would be any quicker and probably a bit longer.  I am half trying to prepare myself for only having one child, keeping myself busy and thinking up things to do when he goes to school next September, but I also cannot really see my life without another child.  I, deep down in my heart, still believe that I will have another - probably totally   and stupid but there you go   I am thnking of setting up a little business for myself making celebration cakes and wedding cakes as this would be easy to fit around ds going to school etc.  i just need a name for the business 

However I spoke to a lady a couple of weeks ago who recommended having reflexology as that helped her have her ds, I then spoke to a close friend who said her sister also swore by reflexology and that it had helped her, along with Clomid, to have her two children.  So i made an appt with her Reflexologist and had the first treatment yesterday.  It was quite nice and relaxing and even if it doesn't work then it made me feel better anyway    She said that my fallopian tubes were a bit congested   and she massaged this area to clear them.  The funny thing was I could feel when she hit on an area that was congested, it felt like she was clearing grit from under the skin!!

Anyway hope you are all well and enjoying this sunny bank holiday   it has just started raining here - isn't that typical.

RLH

p.s. has anyone heard from Bubs - she hasn't been on for such a long time which is unlike her.  I hope she is ok.


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## cinders35

Evening ladies,

Thankyou for your kind wishes, I truly appreciate them. I hope you guys don't mind if I still post here for a while. I know how lucky I am to be pg, but I still feel so petrified about all the screening etc, and feel so very far away from having a healthy baby, that I can STILL hardly allow myself to believe in my happy ending...

Hey Bluebean, best of luck with lighter life. I've seen the advert, but don't know anything else about it I'm afraid. It's hard work keeping trim isn't it? Do you have a date for your lap yet?

Hi RLH33, keep going with the clomid, early days yet hun, but hopefully won't be too long for you. I had reflexology, it was relaxing and I loved going, but it didn't make any difference re getting pg for me. I think that was because of the undiagnosed endo though. I too have heard good things about reflexology and fertility. Enjoy it, and make sure you keep your toenails clipped, and your pummice stone has plenty of action on those heels   !

Dustyrose, thank's hun. Hope you have a fab time in Italy, I think you should have just a little blow out and s*d the diet! The pasta and gelato is just too 'bella bella'! Languages not really my thing   ! Safe journey.

Pand oh Pand,  
You sound just like I did after the m/c, do you remember how I posted that I hated all my friends for having their happy families, and how I wanted to hide away from them? This pg announcement is just so close to home, especially as I imagine part of your resentment may come from the deal you made with him upstairs for your brother and SIL to have their healthy baby. And now they've had that, and are potentially about to jump the queue and get their 2nd one before you.     
Everything your feeling makes absolute perfect sense to me, but I am not a counsellor and so I don't know how best to advise you to deal with it. Though if it was me, I think I would try writing a letter to your brother and SIL to try and explain how you're feeling. I'm not saying you have to give it to them, just write it and see what happens. Keep it for a while, and see if you start to feel differently, if you do, burn it, shred it, whatever. If you don't, then make sure it says what you want it to say and send it.
I know you will write it with such wonderful sensitivity, but they need to know just how hard this is for you, and that there will be times when you can't see them for your own sanity.
I don't know guy's, maybe it's a silly idea. Maybe you need a professional Pand to help you make sense of it all? Can you still see your counsellor, because at crucial times like this, you really need to.
It's like we bumble along, making the best of things, and thinking how well we are doing, and seeing how good life can be with our only child, and wham bam, we have the wind knocked right out of our sails!
You can't change the situation, it is largely out of your control. But you just need to find a way to deal with it. Your family need to know and understand this too. 
I know you won't do or say anything rash Pand, but they need to know just how much you are hurting deep down inside.
You are not alone in your pain, everyone here is with you all the way. If you want, we can all contribute to the letter!!!  
I know I won't have said anything that will help, but I truly hope you can see the counsellor. They just seem to make such good sense of it all, and I always felt so justified in my feelings of misery!!! Like I was given permission for feeling the way I was!
Keep posting, and I'll keep rambling my undying support at ya  ! Bet ya can't wait!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea of your tattoo Pand, genius! 
Big huge hug Pand, really humungous.

Lainey, don't come on here till your tan has disappeared you bronzed goddess!!! Thank's for your texts, will pm you soon, though maybe not tonight if I keep rambling at this rate as my 2 fingers are getting repetitive strain injury!! Glad you are back safe and sound  .

Suszy, you still jetting around the country? Just hearing about your travels makes me feel exhausted! Have you got your dates now? Glad you are feeling positive, a good frame of mind to go into cycle with    .

Hey Jobo, glad you had a good time up north hun. You are such a lovely supportive ff,    . We appreciate you Jo  . Thank's.

Lyndalou, we all appreciated your need for some time out. But have to say it's lovely to have you back  . 

Faithful, not sure where you are at the mo? Hope you are ok any way?  

Emma, hope all is well with you and that your car is back on the road? Makes you wonder how you ever coped without it hey? 

WBG, sorry to hear about your tubes. It is so hard to call it a day and say enough now. It is very brave.    Have you checked out the 'moving on' board, for those with children?

Missyb, hope you are enjoying your summer.  

Emilycaitlin, hope all is going well with you?

Well I'm sorry to those I've missed. Just so many of us.

Thank's for listening,
Thank's for everything,  

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies - crikey this is late for me !

Pand - I know we have been texting loads over the past few days but I still wanted to reply to your post today. We really need to sort out _you _ and for you to stop worrying about everyone else. Like I said to you the other day, and Cinders has said too, I really think it would be beneficial to tell SIL and BIL how you are feeling as I'm sure they are blissfully unaware of how your SIF and mc last year truly affect you. I know that now the news is still very raw and very hurtful and will hopefully get easier as time goes by, but it is going to be very difficult for you to see them over the next 8 months and pretend that everything is fine when it isn't. Yes they've been through their heartache with the Edwards baby and are by no means out of the woods yet with this one, but that is _their _ heartache, and you were there for them when they needed you. Right now _you _ are the one going through the heartache and you have every right to call on support from friends and family to help you too. Perhaps, as Cinders said, write your feelings down first and then perhaps speak to them about it in a while. If they know how you're feeling then perhaps they will appreciate that you maybe don't want to see them for a bit or that you find seeing a pg belly hard etc. I know it's hard and you probably don't want to do it but that is because you're protecting them, not yourself. Think about you for a change. You are not horrible, bitter or nasty; you are going through SIF and it sucks. You are a lovely, caring person and do not deserve to be feeling so down. As for DS's mates parents and their determination to continue until they had a girl and the ****** about age gaps etc., well what the hell would they know ? Some of us don't have a bl00dy choice in the matter as we've had our choice to have another whipped away, never mind what sex we'd ideally like or how big an age gap to leave. I really wish people would be more sensitive. I could understand it from someone who didn't know your situation, but not from people that do. That is bang out of order. They could have been way more tactful than that. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with 2 lots of stabs in the stomach this week and I hope we can get together really soon so I can give you a proper hug instead of a texty/online one ! For now all I can do is send you lots of love and a big .

Cinders - I hope you are enjoying having baby on board - how exciting. I know you will be worrying until you get the results of the bloods but try to enjoy your pregnancy. You have given us all hope ! 

Dustyrose - have a fantastic time in Italy and s0d the diet !

RLH33 - you are sounding quite together and positive - good for you. I hope that reflexology works for you. I have heard so many good things about it but have never got round to sorting it out for myself. Keep going with the Clomid...it takes a couple of months to really kick in I believe (or so I was told !).

Bluebean - sorry to hear about the problems following your CS. I was very poorly myself after my (bodged) CS and have never forgiven the hospital for the physical and mental scars it has left. Physically I was so ill with an untreated wound infection & water infection and really don't remember the first few weeks of my DS's life as I was that bad. I was on 7 different types of medication for all the ailments the CS left me with. Mentally the hospital really screwed me up as they whipped DS away as soon as he was born (by emergency CS), asked my DH to go with them, and then for the next 45 minutes whilst they were butchering me  sewing me up I kept asking where my baby was and no-one would speak to me. I couldn't hear crying, I couldn't see him, I had no idea what was going on and I presumed the worst. They even threatened at one point to give me a GA, I think to shut me up. It was dreadful and I will never forget those long 45 minutes thinking my baby was dead. Anyway, enough of that.
A friend at work went on Lighter Life and lost shed loads of weight, very quickly. However, as soon as she stopped the diet she piled it all back on again. It was such a shame as she spent an absolute fortune on it, and really thought that the counselling/therapy they give you regarding your relationship with food had worked. Evidently not. Having said that, I suppose like everything, it works for some and not others. Had I had the cash I would've been tempted myself but have resorted to Weight Watchers instead to shift some lard ! Good luck to you 

I must go to bed...way too late for me. Trust me, I need a LOT of beauty sleep, as those of you who've met me will know


----------



## Pand

Cinders and Jo,

Thank you both so much.  Cinders you never ramble.  Everything you say always makes perfect sense and a pregnancy makes no difference to that.  I hope you continue to post on here for a long time as I for one will be lost without you.  Jo you have been so supportive too.  I seriously think I would be in a straight jacket by now if it wasn't for you guys.  I will definitely write a letter over the next few days, but I doubt I will send it.  I doubt very much they will understand at the moment given their worries over this pregnancy, but my counsellor did say that writing letters was a good way of dealing with your feelings so I will take your advice thank you both.  Cinders please PM me and chat about how you are doing.  Despite being a miserable old bat at the moment I do very much care about what happens to you and want to help you through this pregnancy because it's so precious and I'm sure you are never going to truly relax and enjoy it!!!  

Dustyrose - I am going online now to find that book, thank you.  I love good practical advice and a good book is just what I need to try and stay positive!!  

RLH - Thank you for your lovely thoughts too.  It helps knowing that my friends on here care and understand.

Love Pand


----------



## tuck

Hello Ladies

Its been busy on here the last few days and i know i've not been properly on for weeks so will try my best to catch up with you all.

Firstly Cinders - so pleased for you that everything is cooking away nicely and you saw your little baby on the scan, what wonderful news.  I'm sorry that you feel it was tainted by the nuchal results which is fully understandable, why is nothing ever straight forward, however they don't take the results in isolation and I am   that your blood results show a low risk.  Take carexxx 

Pand darling I so feel for you and as the other girls have said, we completely understand where you are coming from.  Remember 6 months ago when I had the 4 close friend announcements in a week (who are all babies now!!) well you were so kind and understanding to me then.  The advice I believe you gave surrounded talking and self preservation - I found the talking to hard but the self preservation bit easier ie. not see so much of them and to not have to deal with it on a thrice weekly basis made it slightly easier.  You were expecting this announcement weren't you?  but it doesn't make it any easier I know!!  All I can say is as you know it will get better in time and - and I hate it when people say this to me but I hope you don't take it the wrong way - you never know what is in store for you and this little one may be having a cousin one day.  You sound very much like me, I have given up hope for the 'happy ending' I think that is cos I am a realist/pessimist and desparately don't want to be hurt anymore - but and I think it is the same for you nobody has ever told me I will never have another baby and until then I must just keep flogging on and really try to muster that bit of hope that it will happen.  (hope i don't sound preachy or patronising just wanted to let you know that I think it can and still may happen for you and any one of us and it's trying to keep that hope alive when the disappointment threatens to eclipse it month by month by month) thinking of you  

Bluebean - sorry to hear you been struggling.  After my 2nd ectopic I took 6 months off ttc and I felt a lot happier - no pressure during that time just enjoy ds then a goal in mind to start again. Hope the weight loss goes well - I know someone who did the lighter life and she had dramatic weight loss 4 stone in a few months .  A year on she has put 1 stone only back on which is good going as she got to 8 1/2 which was too light for her anyway.  But she has a totally screwed attitude to food now which she sees as a real problem, she is now in the binge and starve yourself cycle, which was never there before.  She feels guilty about eating all the time and then will starve herselft so something to watch.  Like jobo I am doing weight watchers but it is sllooooowwww progress.  I started 6/7 weeks ago and I have lost 6 pounds - I am also going to the gym and I like to convince myself I haven't lost more cos muscle weighs heavier than fat (who am i kidding)  I am doing it online and you have to type you food in and it works the points out , then track your weight on a graph - which is quite motivational.  You weigh weekly at the same time, it also only cost £30 I think for 3 months membership so is very cheap but you do have to be self motivated to follow it.  There are also message boards if you want to talk to others,.

rlh sorry clomid not working yet fingers crossed for next cycles.   Good luck with the reflexology too I know at least 2 people who reflexology make absent periods reappear for and both pg now.  Cake business sounds great, my cousin does this and combines perfectly with school for her dd.

Dustyrose - well done for speaking to your friends.  hope you had a brilliant holiday - Italy is just beautiful we went there for our honeymoon.

Jobo - hope you are ok and ww going well points , points points aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  How are things with you, I'm not sure where you are up to - are you definitely starting ivf, have you got a date?? 

Emma - how are you?  hows that pesky tooth? and pleased you got your little dog back so worrying when they go missing.

Suszy - hope you are well and gearing up for September.  When it is a frostie, like yours is it natural transfer or do you still have to have drugs for your lining etc....   you sound like you have been enjoying your summer with your family 

To everyone else, bubbs, lainy lou - how was mexico, ffh and anyone i missed loads of    and    .

Just a quick update on me, still bumbling on....   All my friends have had their beautiful bundles all natural births and so easy 2 girls, 2 boys.  Really pleased for them have only really seen one of them in the flesh though its only been a few weeks since they were born.  Mum was breast feeding and I just sat there laden with gifts trying to not think about what I was seeing.  When I got in my car after I was strong cos I thought I would break down. It came out later i guess... I don't relish seeing them all together though.  I am finding I am spending my days consciously or not consciously with people with only one child.  Sadly I have a friend going through similar to me, she has been ttc no. 2 for nearly 3 years and has had ectopic, mc and 2 ivfs so we support each other.  One has chosen and is totally happy with her only child a ds same age as mine.  One has one child and I don't know and don't like to ask if she wants any more.  So spending time with these children rather than the 4 babies is making things slightly easier though as i have said will still see the babies.  Has been hard explaining things to ds and he cried when we had a discussion that his friends were having babies and he wasn't .  I can't bring myself to tell him much so I just say some children do and some children don't .   Now he goes round saying he is 'not' having a baby and some children do and some children don't - bless!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had a bit of an emotional down time of things after the final baby was born to my closest friend, last week.  Told my little sis - don't feel I can talk to anyone else - she went through 4 years of primary infertility and just 1 of sif resolved by clomid to get her beautiful boy and girl.  She was understanding .  It has now been nearly 5 months of trying again following 2nd ectopic and nothing........   To top it off having irregular periods with short bleeds and none of usual signs of ovulation so scared something wrong there too.  Guess give it another month and seek more help. My cons said to have another lap after 6 months trying but that will be 3 in the year and for me it is too much so I don't want to do that.  Just wondering when or if to move straight to ivf cos with trying naturally with my history there is the increased risk of ectopic anyway.  Still lots of questions which I am not quite ready to tackle yet but realise age wise I haven't got all the time in the world.

Other than that I am doing really well with my weight loss - albeit slowly half a stone lost and gyming couple of times a week now.  DS got a trampoline yest - reduced at b and q from 220 to 90  - good bargain - so have been on that.  Do have a really embarassing prob though (tmi) with pelvic floor  - I am mortified !!! never been a problem in normal life.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary a couple of weeks ago, dh took me out for posh meal then whisked me to church where we got married then went to rendlesham forest to see open air shakespeare romeo and juliet with a champagne picnic, so romantic and out of character - I was really touched and surprised as knew nothing.  So you see life is good really and my ds is a dream full of cuddles and love - he has taken to coming in my bedroom early morning and saying I love you but i think it is cos he wants c beebies on - cupboard love.

Take care of all and sorry its such a long one.

Tuckxxx


----------



## bubblicous

hey ladies

been missing you all so so much nit been on cause our pc broke and cant be fixed so need to get pennies for new one so only can get online when im at my mums which hasnt been much recently as ive been putting in the overtime


well heres wots been going on in our world

finished my 6 cycles of clomid all bfn 
went to the hospital for review end of july where dr gave us another 6 months clomid and said that if it doesnt happen with that then thats us more or less done on the nhs we will have to go for ivf and need to pay which we knew ayway 

so after hospiatl was a little deflated but hopeful so was just waiting on af to come so cycle 7 could start

my sister then told us she was pregnant new i was happy about but a little disappointed as they got pregant 1st month trying (again) and weve been 4 years

so af was due on 18th august i had a small bkleed the monday before this but nothing came of it then af didnt appear sp we did a test and was flabbergasted to see a    i couldnt stop crying the kids were standing and my dh was saying theres 2 lines and the kids were like what does 2 lines mean then our eldest said to the youngest i dont know but i think its bad mums crying

in total we did 6 tests as we just couldnt believe a cycle without clomid could habe gave us a bfp but all 6 tests came back bfp so we were delighted

however it wasnt meant to be as on thursday i started spotting the dr said to stay in bed and hope for the best they couldnt scan me for another week and gace me an appointment to come for a scam when i was 6 weeks however bed rest and hope didnt help as and little pip (what we had named her so the kids didnt know what we were talking about ) left us the early hours of friday morning 

both me and dh are gutted utterly gutted and we have went about in a daze for the past couple of days its amazing what can happen in a week as last week we were on cloud nine and the weekend were gutted

ive stopped bleeding now and the pain is all but away     is how i feel but i have to get on with things for my girls sakes
i had bloods taken to see my hcg level which are due back on monday but the midwife said she was pretty sure our pip was away

so now im just waiting on af coming so i can start my clomid again though dh and i have spoke about perhaps doing another month without it to see wot happens

i hope everyone else is ok and i do promise to come on as much as possible now as i miss you all dearly and fingers crossed we will have a pc in the next week or so 

hugs to all you wonderful ladies xxxxxx


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## RLH33

oh Bubs why is life so cruel, I was really excited reading your post and your bfp then very, very sad when I read that you had had a mc.  To have something that you wanted so much given with one hand but then taken away with the other almost immediatley is just horrible.

Is there any chance that it was just a bleed and that you are still pregnant?  I have read about lots of ladies on here who have bleeds and then go on to have healthy pregnancies. Or are you resigned to it now and don't want to get your hopes up.  I am     that it it is good news from the blood results on Monday but lots of     if it isn't.  Thinking of you lots.

RLH


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## bubblicous

thanks hunni

dont think theres any chance the hospital asked us to do another test on friday morning and it was negative so pretty sure pip is all gone


----------



## Pand

Couldn't read and run,

Bubs - My heart aches for you.  I know I speak for a few of us on this thread, we really do understand your pain and I'm so sorry that little pip didn't make it.  Miscarriage is a devastating experience at the best of times, but for those of us that suffer from IF it is a doubly cruel blow.  If you ever need to chat or just let off steam I'm a good listener so give me a PM.  The only words of comfort I can give you at the moment is that you are allegedgly more fertile just after a miscarriage.  I think there must be something in it because Cinders and my Sister in Law both caught very quickly after theirs.  It's no guarantee because it didn't work for me, but it's something to cling to.  I really am so very sorry hun.  

Pand


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## jobo5572

Bubbs - So sorry to hear your news .  I got my hopes up after reading your post when you hadn't been around for a while, then was devastated to hear that little Pip has gone.  I'm so sorry.  Thinking of you


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## cinders35

So very sorry Bubs about little Pip  . Devestating.
Hope I am not being insensitive, but keep trying next couple of months, I never dreamt that I would be pg 8 weeks after my m/c. As Pand says, it doesn't happen for everyone, but there is hope...
 for you,
Love
Cindersxxx


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## tuck

bubbs

Darling  I am so sorry to hear your news, to have all that hope and then to have it snatched away so cruelly is just so sad and am sending you understanding   The others give good advice and I also know of at least 2 girls for which things have happened 1st cycle ttc after m/c its almost like the body has woken up to being pg.

Take care sweetheart ,we are all here for you.

Tuckxxx


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## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs

I'm so sorry hun, I can only begin to imagine how you feel. Give yourself time to grieve. But ditto what the others have said, your body knows it can be pregnant now so you have hope. I hope it happens for you again quickly. Lots of  . 


faithful xx


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## lyndalou

Bubbs    So sorry hon  crying as I type this Life is just so unfair. Thinking of you x


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## Foxy2

Hey all - been away for a few days and just stopping by quickly before heading off tomorrow for camping trip! Probably not enough time to catch up with everything that has been going on over the past week as you've all been so busy so sorry if I post and run. Will catch up in more detail next week.

Just quickly though - CONGRATS to Cinders. Try not to worry (easier said than done!) and remember to always turn the ratio round 1 in 500 means 499 in 500 chance things are fine - 1 in 10 is 9 in 10....) Hope the bloods give you peace of mind and then you can really start to enjoy this pregnancy and celebrate your news. Thinking of you   .

Bubbs - so sorry for your news. Hang in there Honey and give yourself a little time. You are entitled to grieve and Pip was real so don't let anyone tell you you don't have the right to mourn. It WILL happen again.     

To everyone else - stay strong and take care of yourselves. Off to enjoy 5 nights of insomnia, backache and the dreaded trek to the toilet block  . Still, about time we put that tent we bought last year to good use and hopefully DS will have fun and maybe meet some new friends?! 

Bye for now xx


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## lyndalou

Cinders  So glad your scan went well hon. Try to relax now and enjoy being pregnant! Really happy for you


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

I am soooo behind with everything.  I am not even going to try and go back and read 75 pages so I will try and get back into it from now.  I have read bits of the last two pages though so can add a few pertinent comments.

Bubbs - I am so sorry    How cruel life is.  As Cinders/Pand said, you are meant to be more fertile after a m/c so please keep trying, it may happen quickly for you.

Cinders - I think I have said everything in my texts but just to be sure you know, I am routing for you and little Cinders.  I hope the blood test helps ease your mind a little.  Love ya  

Pand - I am sorry you have been having a terrible time and I am sorry I haven't been there for you.  You know you can text me anytime though, even if I'm not posting on here, I am still here for you.  I have told you before and I will tell you again YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.  If you are bad, then I am terrible.  I have wished all sorts of horrible things on my fertile friends.  These are the people I am supposed to care about.  IF is enough to drive anyone to the edge and you are a long way from the edge.  You are brave and strong and lovely, and don't you forget it  

Suzsy - when is the tx?  Are you excited/nervous/petrified?  Hope you have enjoyed the hols with DS.  

Missy - Miss you

Lyndalou - good to hear from you.  We all understand why you needed time out but you are always in our thoughts  

EC - how's it going?  Good I hope?

Jobo - I didn't see anything from you other than words of support for others, you really are lovely    How are you?

Hi to everyone else - FFH, Tuck, WBG, Emma and all the others I have missed  

Welcome to Foxy2

I am plodding along, enjoying the hols with my darling DD who has just been such good company.  Back from Mexico, off to the Isle of Wight on Thursday, back to school next Wednesday  

Still taking the DHEA which I have to confirm is a mood enhancer, I have been feeling so good I haven't even thought about IF that much and am even wondering if I want another now    DD was so independent on holiday and it was lovely, I even got to read a book     Still thinking about one last ditch round of IVF in October but not pinning anything on it.

Anyway, that's me

Lainey x  

PS - have you seen my note on meet up thread.  I have requested the Sunday for the meet as I am busy on the Saturday now (sorry, c*cked up).  If its a no go then go ahead without me, I am a fool


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## cinders35

Hello all,

Lainey, good to see you posting hun. But you can tell us about the down days aswell as the good days hun  . We are here for you   

Just a quicky as I have got LOADS to do, dd back at school today  . Can't believe how quick the hols have flown by! She was a big girl in her new uniform and new shoes  . So proud  .

I bring good news, my blood results have brought my risk factor down to 1:654. Haven't had it in writing yet and dp took the message, so hope he got it right  . But they don't recommend any further tests, so for the first time, I can actually start to believe this might just happen. Contemplating one of those ticker things, not sure really.

Still thinking of you Bubs, I haven't and won't ever forget how hard it is.  

Suszy, I haven't txt you hun, as I get the feeling you are having a great time away from it all, and just enjoying being with your family. Didn't want to intrude on it. Hope you're not offended that I haven't txt  .

Pand, how you feeling about things? Written any letters or anything? Or just enjoying your time away wherever you are  .

Jobo, thankyou so much for your txts and pm. You are a star, and really coming into your own as a very supportive ff  .

Missyb, hope you are ok and enjoying life out there in the real world?! We miss you, but hoping that things are good for you  

Foxy, you made me larf   about your camping trip! Hope it is going well  .

Lyndalou, we are good listeners if you fancy unloading once in a while?  

Faithful, how you doing?  

To everyone I haven't mentioned, sorry  

You know if there was one thing that could top this feeling for me, it would be for my ff's to join me. 
I hope and   for each and everyone of you.

Cindersxxx


----------



## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi Cinders,

Have just read your message it was lovely (the end especially!).  I've not really been around that much because i found the bfn so hard and needed to escape but now I'm ack to thining about it all again, on day 50 of this cycle... normally have regular 28-30 day cycles and hoping so much all the drugs haven't completely messed that up because obviously it means fewer chances to conceive naturally (which for the moment is our only hope).

Take care and so happy for you that everything is going well.    

Lots of love and prayers to everyone that the next few months will bring happiness and joy,  

Clare xx


----------



## ramblingrose

Hi everyone

I just wanted to say hello as instructed elsewhere  . I'm having a bit of difficulty coming to terms with my low chances of conceiving number 2 after a horrible HSG experience last week. Basically I am not ovulating and both my tubes are blocked  

I'm feeling generally low and all over the place, and hope I can get some support/advice here as well as giving some to others myself if I can. I've been told you're al friendly and don't bite so here I am wading in.

Lots of love to everyone having a hard time right now; there seems to be a lot of us  

Vicki  x


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## RLH33

Welcome Vicky

  for joining the board.

  for you at the moment

RLH

ps. I promise they don't bite


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

ramblingrose - glad you plucked up the courage to post on here after our gentle (I hope  !) persuasion.  You're right - there are a lot of us going through a hard time of it, but it helps to come on here for help and support to help you get by.  Secondary infertility is so soul destroying and can make life extremely miserable to say the least.  I don't know where I'd be without the help and support from my fertility friends !  Big   to you.

Bubbs - how're you doing hun ?  Still thinking of you  

Tuck - good old WW eh  ?  I'm doing the Core plan so only get 21 points for the entire week.  Only lost 1lb this week so was gutted - mainly as I need to drop stones at a time, not pounds  !  I'm glad your DH made an effort for your anniversary.  Mine didn't bother to do anything for our 5th recently and in fact only gave me a card in the evening after he'd been to work and had been prompted to do so by my parents.  Charming.  We have our "induction" or "counselling" (not sure what they call it) meeting on 17th September at the Priory in Brum for IVF.  The closer I get to the date the more concerned I am getting about it all.  I just feel that it's a hell of a lot of money to spend (that we haven't got) when there's a very slim chance that we'll get anything out of it.  I don't know if I can cope with the emotional turmoil of it all either.  My husband gives as much support as a chocolate teapot would, i.e. sweet FA.  I dont know.  I have so many doubts and just don't know whether I can put myself through it.  Have you thought any more about IVF ?

Laineylou - good to hear from you.  I was getting worried about you.  I'm so glad that the DHEA is making you feel good - could you ship some my way please ?!  My anti-d's have definitely lifted my mood from the lowest of the low but I still feel pretty damned cr*ppy about this whole situation.  I have other cr*ppy stuff going on in my life too which doesn't help.  Hope you have a great time on the Isle of Wight.

Foxy2 - hope you had a good camping trip.  At least the weather seems to have improved this week which is good.

FFH - hope you had a good camping trip too and didn't get washed away !

Lyndalou - happy belated 40th birthday !  I'm glad that you had some lovely surprises to mark the occasion.  WRT tx and getting over your mc etc., take it one step at a time and don't feel under pressure to do anything you don't want to do.  

Suszy - hope you've had a great time heading off here there and everywhere.  The very best of luck with your tx hun   

Pand - hope you've had a good time in sunny Devon with DS.  How are you feeling now about all the recent pg announcements ?  I hope you're OK.  I still have that huge hug on hold for you when you're free   .

Cinders - again, so glad that you have mini Cinders inside you !  After all this time you thoroughly deserve it hun.  I hope you are taking good care of yourself.  I can't believe your DD is back at school already !  Schools aren't back until next week around here and my DS will be starting school for the first time  .  Please don't leave the thread Cinders as we will miss you too much and we need updates on how you're doing.  Big hug pregnant lady  !

RLH33 - hope you're doing OK.

I am distraught that my DS starts school next week - he hasn't long turned 4, bless him.  We tried on all his school uniform the other day and I was fighting to hold back the tears in front of him.  I am so sad that my (only) baby has grown up so fast and I really do feel that SIF has taken over my life so much over the past 2.5 years that I must've missed out on so much of his growing up and I feel so bad for that  .  If only I'd known that I was going to have SIF then I would have cherished every moment of my DS' life even more than I have already as I would've known that I'd never experience it again with another.  I am gutted that DS will be going to school 5 days a week and I don't have another baby/child to look after or a sibling for him to come home to.  I have even decided to go back to work 5 days a week once he starts school as there's no reason for me to be at home on a Friday any more.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the past 2 weeks off work, spending time with him every day now he has left nursery and I can't believe he's growing up so fast.  I have also made sure that he has seen lots of his little friends as I'm very conscious that he's an only child and I don't want him to get lonely.  Anyway, sorry I'm rambling.  

Hi to everyone that I've missed (unintentionally).  Hope you're all OK 

Jo


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## Pand

Morning everyone,

Jo - I'm really sorry about WW.  But 1lb is still 1lb less hun.  Hang in there.  You will have weeks where you lose loads and weeks where you won't but it's the long term goal you have to hang onto. I will be trying to shed some lard next week.  Missed you loads whilst I was away and had a bit of a run in with my parents which I will fill you in on when I see you.  I know you are struggling with DS starting school next week, but I promise you will be ok once the first few days are over.  It does take a lot of coming to terms with I know, it stings still that my DS is going into Year 1 and still doesn't have any siblings either.  So I feel for you mate.  

Cinders - Your news is fantastic.  I am so relieved.  I think you should get a ticker, you've waited long enough for one!  You are an inspiration to us all so please keep posting.  It wouldn't be the same on here without you.  You might not be sufffering from SIF anymore but you really understand it and are so supportive.  There would be a lot of sad people if you stopped coming on.  


Ramblingrose - Hi Vicki.  I am so sorry to hear your devastating news.  I'm not surprised you are all over the place.  Have you got an appointment to discuss with a consultant what your options are?  It might not be straight to IVF if they can operate to open the tubes?  What are your feelings about IVF?  This is a great place to talk about it all.  So many of us can empathise and have been in your position.  I'm glad you have found the courage to post. So welcome.

Taitha - Hope your cycles settle down soon hun!


Lainey-lou -  I have SOOOO missed you!! It's great to have you back!  I have tried texting a couple of times but my phone just doesn't like your number.  I don't understand it because I've never had it with anyone else!!!  Thank you for your kind words I will try not to beat myself up too much, but I daresay that will continue for a while yet!!!!  How are you doing now hun?  I'm glad the DHEA is helping.  What's your next step chick! 


Bubs - How are you doing hun?  We are here if you need to chat.  I'm just hoping that your scan showed a good result not a bad one.  Thinking of you.

Foxy - I think it was you who recommended the book.  I love it.  Thank you so much.  Enjoy your camping trip!

Lyndalou - How are you doing mate?


Hi to Tuck, Suzy, RLH, Missyb, hope you're all well and have enjoyed the last week of your hols!



Right,  first things first.... EVERYONE on here needs to buy and read "The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child."  It is a lovely book and makes you feel very positive about being a family of three.  I think it was Foxy who recommened it and it's going to be my bible for trying to see the positives of our situations!!  The writer herself was a sufferer of SIF and never had any more children after her daughter.  There is also a website I haven't looked on yet onlychild.com so it may be worth a look.  Thank you once again Foxy!

I got home from my parents yesterday afternoon.  We've had a good week.  Then yesterday evening my MIL and FIL came round.  We get on really well with them. They presented me with a bottle of wine, and in a most out of character way, my MIL asked for a large glass of wine.  I should have known then something was coming!  Having practically downed the first glass and half way through her second, my MIL then presented me with a box of tissues and prepared me for some bad news, bless her.  Now this is how announcements should be done.  With empathy, concern and a glass of wine!  She then broke it to me that not only are my SIL and BIL pregnant and due in April (which we knew), but so are two more sets of DHs cousins (one with their first and the other with their second).  And guess what... we are all going to a wedding together next Saturday.  And might I just point out that Tom Tom was due in April.  Could it get any worse than this?!!!!  Someone up there really hates my guts or has a warped sense of humour.  I handled it better than I thought I would, but I'm still feeling really fed up and dreading next weekend.  Then MIL and FIL offered to lend us the money for another cycle of IVF if that was what we felt we wanted to do bless them, at which point DH got really upset and tearful.  

I hadn't realised how much this was getting to him because he is usually so pragmatic and takes everything in his stride.  He is a lovely caring man and I feel so awful that I have had to drag him through all of this and I think he is reaching the end of his tether.  I'm scared to talk to him in case he wants to end it all now because if he did I would.  I couldn't put him through any more heartache knowing he was getting this upset with it all.  

So a bit of an emotional return last night. MIL and FIL were fantastic and said we didn't have to go to the wedding but we will because I would let DH's other cousing down at the last minute and DS is so excited about it.  

I really wanted this academic year to be a fresh start but it looks like life has different ideas.  Ah well.  Sorry to ramble on.  That's the problem with being away for a week!!!

Love to you all and keep up the fight ladies.

Pand


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## jobo5572

Pand - so good to have you back hun - have missed you this week and my mobile has been ever so quiet  !  Like I said to you by text, I wish you'd give that job back to me of attracting all the pg people - see, that's what stealing my job does to you.  Joking apart, it's a complete bag of sh1te hun and I really feel for you.  I have so many hugs on hold for you that I don't know what to do with them all           .  I cannot believe you have had such a run of bad luck in such a short space of time.  I'm so glad the in-laws were sensitive to you and DH though with the way they broke the news.  Bless them.  That's really thoughtful.  WRT the wedding, you've been looking forward to it for ages (albeit before all the pg announcements) so don't let these relatives and that disease they're all catching (sorry Cinders  ) put you off going.  And like I said, you could always get p1ssed and laugh at them all sitting drinking orange juice and feeling like poo (again, sorry Cinders  ).  It must be so hard for you right now as it is, what with the anniversary of losing Tom Tom looming, never mind having all this to contend with.  It makes me so sad to hear of all this happening to you and to hear that DH is really feeling it too.  A man with emotions - crikey, where did you get him from ?!  Do they exist  ?!  Listen, you know where I am and I would love to meet up soon.  Keep your chin up chuck and show them how brave you are.  Just go up to them all next week and say "Pregnant ?  It's so last year !!!!" (sorry Cinders  ).  I know it's no laughing matter but please do not get yourself too down about it if you can though I know I am being ridiculous as it must be heartbreaking.  Big   hun and lots of love.

Cinders - I really don't mean it hun !  You are completely different as a fellow SIF-er !  Oh, and I completed the task you set me


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## ramblingrose

Hi again everyone and thanks for the lovely message of welcome and support. I am definitely off to order that book in a minute!!!

Pand, I have my appt with the consultant on October 8th - wish I didn't have to wait that long, and they have my details in case a cancellation comes up. I'm possibly starting a new job in October and really wanted to see the consultant before then so I know what I am looking at time-wise (no idea how long the wait for a lap is). I have been toying with staying with my current job just to make things a bit easier for myself, but as I'm very fed up there I'm not sure how wise that would be really....

Can I just add to Jo,  about your ds going to school as well, I really can understand how you feel but view it as a positive and you will get maybe a bit more 'me' time which is helpful when you are stressed from life and all it throws at you, and although it will feel strange at first, after a couple of weeks it just feels normal.  My DS is nearly 8 so I he is going into his 4th year fulltime, and I can't believe for most of that time we have been trying to give him a brother or sister and we are still where we were when he was in reception class  

Pand, I am so sorry about your inlaws news. If it's any consolation at all, my DH works in a place with 3 other men, and last year they all announced within a week of each other that their wives were expecting (two first babies and one 3rd) and we were supposed to be going for a meal with them a couple of weeks later and we had to pull out because neither of us could really face it (especially me). The babies were all born within 3 weeks of each other in February/March and I found it very hard,especially as my grandad had been diagnosed with cancer around the same time. I just wondered what else life was going to throw at us. So I know where you are coming  from honey, so have a hug from me. Life is bloody awful sometimes, eh?

As a side topic,  can I ask, have any of you had the HSG and how long did you ache for afterwards?? I am still getting a few little twinges on my left side (which is totally blocked) and it's 11 days since I had mine. Should I ring the docs/hospital or is this normal?

I hope I can get to know everyone a bit better; you all seem lovely.


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## jobo5572

Hi ramblingrose - I've had an HSG but don't remember any pain afterwards, just a little discomfort, but it didn't last long.  However, both my tubes were clear so I'm not sure if that makes a difference ?  If the pain is bothering you, I'd ask for an appointment with your consultant or at least your GP, just to make sure and put your mind at rest.  I'm afraid I've no idea if this is normal or not but I know there's plenty of other ladies on here that've had HSG's so I hope someone else can shed some light for you.  Hope you get it sorted


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## lyndalou

Hi Ladies Hope everyone is having a good day 

Have spent 5 hours in casualty. Ben fell out of a tree when climbing at a national trust garden[prob a endangered specimen] 
Cracked rib and black and blue but it could of been worse. Better get back to the patient being male he will deff milk it


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## SUSZY

Hi Girls ( i got cut off last night so have added a few bits that i wrote and were not recorded)
I am at my mums in Somerset where I have been for nearly a week just making the most of the last few days of the hols, ds is back at school on thursday so I travel home on wed!!!!  We have managed a few days at the beach despite the mixed weather and its been fun although the gloomy state of the country and the weather and that terrible fire in Shropshire and friends who went home today just found out they lost a friend who died when she slipped down a mountain in Wales - brings things home and its all very sobering.

I have not caught up with your news yet and will do soon and comment on it all although have just glanced at Lyndalous so do hope Ben is better and so sorry about that.  Its so scary how they can get hurt and hope he recovers soon. Have just caught up so am modifying this msg.

Just wanted you all to know that I have got my dates for down regging I start on Friday 5th and then have scans on 18 and 26th Sep to check lining and then all going well have ET on 2nd October as in a month tomorrow as long as they thaw.  I am over weight and am hving my last champagne tonight but need to get back on track.

re meet up - we also need to decide on a desitination for the meet up and a final list - I am happy to make it the Sat and Sun and stay over night  or  make it another weekend and really want Cinders to come!  It would be nice to meet up more often as we are all in the same boat and it was so nice stopping and seeing Jobo, Pand and faithful so perhaps we should do more of them.

To start with have really missed you girs so much and promise to be back on here more regularly, I really feel out of the loop and have missed the messages and texts etc so will make more of an effort to be here for you all.

cinders - so pleased that the scan went well and that you saw a baby and hb must have been so amazing, sorry you had the worry of the risk of the downes but then if you remember we worried with our firsts as well.  Anyway good news and just sit back and enjoy now sweetheart and please please come to the meet up.  sorry i did not text you around the time of the scan all the travelling has been my excuse but will be back on wed and want to be including in the loop again - please,  can't believe your daughter at school already (we have til thursday) and hope it all goes well.

pand - so sorry about what you have been going through recently and sorry i have not been here for you more.  The tatto sounds good and as if its just what you needed to mark it, also think your dh sounds so special you lucky girl and your fil and mil they sound so lovely and special but sorry you had to hear all that news and hope the wedding goes ok.  Thinking of and am here for you so please use me.  So wish i lived closer to u and jobo sounds like you have so much fun!  Do let us know when the channel 4 programme is on.  Thanks (via foxy) for the info on the book and website, suppose I am only just coming to terms with him being an only child as it was not by choice!

Lainey - hope Mexico was good and glad the dhea is making you feel so good, i am looking forward to that effect of the jabs as they made me feel better and made me lose my appetite which was good.  you sound in a much better place which is good and am so glad.  You know where i am if you need to chat and Sunday is fine for the meet up for me.

bubbs so sorry about your news honey, you must have been so over the moon and to have your hopes dashed like that I am so so sorry.  sending you lots of love and healing

eeyore - nice to see you posting and come back again soon.

ffh lovely to meet you the other week and hope things are going well for you honey

jobo - good luck with ww i know its so slow and hard going and I just cannot seem to get back into it but just keep at it and you will get there.  Hope you have had a good holiday and caught up with your relatives etc.Good luck with ww as well and i just want to lose 2/3 stone. I know you girls are younger than me but i hit 45 next April and I expect my l.ife to have changed a lot by then, ie be preg and still have it, get preg have 4th m/c never ever recover!! or the tx not work and be able to move on and get a dog etc.  Whatever I have realised i need to make some life changes and my ever increasing weight is one of them so you wont recognise me next year!  So hope ds starting school is not too traumatic, I know its a huge step and not the best thing in life but its a big step for him in his lifes journey.  The first few weeks of ds being at school were ok it was just combined with the news that my eggs were no good it hit me hard in nov and i felt very left out of things but at least you have your work to keep you occupied and the time you have with him after school will be very special. i know he is still so young and there is not much you can do about that but try and enjoy it honey.  i was reading that netmums has a whole section devoted to mums of kids starting school so have a look at that, or start your own on here!!!  You and janed have that in common already!

nic glad the virgin vee going so well and hope that it still is, next time we visit the relatives will let you know and we can arrange to meet up.  Where in midds are you??

Tuck so sorry about all your friends having the babies - you really have had it tough- but you are so strong and are doing so well.  We are here for you! i know what you mean about the trampoline - lots of us seem to have the same problem and it is embarrasing just go to the loo before you go on it,  well done on losing half a stone you clever girl you hae done brill!!!! keep up the good work.  We have been married about the same time 8 years on 22nd of July, sounds like your dh spoilt you and glad you had a good time.

foxy 2 hope you enjoyed your camping weekend! I am looking forward to reading that book!

would be great - so sorry its the end of the road for you sweetheart, its not going to be easy but we are here for you

janed lovely to see you posting on here darling and looking forward to meeting up with you again soon. Try not to worry about school too much, I know its a huge step and we want them at home but they do enjoy it and is part of their growing up. As said to jobo why not have a look at the net mums web site they have a special section on mums of kids starting school or start your own on here as lots of people bound to be in the same boat, just wish I had had ff back when he started in Nov 06!  I am here for you too honey.

emma - sorry things so tough for you honey and so sorry that you lost your dog but glad you found her again.  Where abouts in Devon did you used to go?  When relatives ask me stupid questions like that I say you could not have asked me a worse question.  I know what you mean about how nice it was seeing cousins and people from years ago.  anyway good luck honey.

missby missing you as ever but am here for you when you want to come back and get in the swing.  thanks for being there for me,

lyndalou - so sorry about Ben and happy belated 40th - sounds like dh spoilt you!  also be great to meet up with you at the meet up.  take care honey you have been through such a lot, when do you plan to use the frosties??

talitha - hi sweetheart - hope you are ok

rambling rose - glad you posted and welcome , you will find us such a nice friendly bunch and we all have the same emotions and go through the same stuff so its great to bare and share. had hsg and had not pain after - best get it checked

whippet - how are you honey, know you are on the other side like Cinders and hope you two are pming but do keep in touch too.

Ec hope things are going well for you as well

bluebean - l have a friend who does lighter life and they have lost a lot of weight but think its very hard going ie just having liquid and a couple of bars although must admit if tx fails this time think I would try something like that as my weight is spiralling out of control.  altho think the science is pretty simple if we eat more calories than we burn we store as fat so i have been eating lots and lots more.  my dh says when i did ww and kept a food diary i lost weight but 18 points on ww is nothing and i am eating and drinking at least double that! good luck

rlh lovely to see you posting on here regularly- good luck with the clomid and the reflexlogly had a good taster session of it at the musical festival we went to and it was bril much better than any i had had before - its so hard though as there are so many options out there and have tried most and it not made any difference but good luck anyway

dustyrose - hope Italy is good and thanks for being there for us too- I think i could probably have unmedicated but for this one i down reg by injections starting Fri 5th sep and then have scan 18th to check my lining is thin and then 26th to check its thin and on 2nd oct et they will try and thaw the embroyos two days prior so lets hope they do the job! have fun and relax and catch up with you on your return,

just wanted to send my love and luck to you and to send you lots of hugs   
This is for you girls a big group hug!


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## ramblingrose

Wow! How can I compete with that message? LOL  

It is nice to talk to others going through the same emotions. I've only had about 4 hours sleep last night so am now feeling I've been hit over the head with a shovel!  

My DS goes back to school tomorrow - is that early then?? Bless him, the holidays have been ok and I'm sad they're over (and that the weather wasn't better  

Hope anyone else doing the school run tomorrow manages to get there in time!


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## lainey-lou

Evening lovelies.

Hi Suze - good to hear from you.  Wow!  Tx so close now, how exciting.  There is no reason this cycle won't work, the last one did    

Jobo - hope DS starting school isn't too traumatic.  Once he has settled in it will be much better I am sure.  Thanks for the texts, you are lovely  

Pand - so sorry you have had so many pg announcements to contend with, they never get any easier do they, especially when they are so close to home.  I am glad your MIL handled it so well, she sounds lovely.  

Cinders, my lovely pg friend    How are you?  Feeling pg yet?  Any bump developing? 

Hi to everyone else.

I had a good time in the IOW, weather a bit pants but one nice day so mustn't grumble.

I found out just before I left that one of the mums in DD's class who has been suffering from secondary IF is 14 wks pg.  I had told her every detail of my IVF, my m/cs and, when I got pg last year, I made sure she was the first to know, so to say I am a bit hurt that I had to find out second hand would be an understatement.  I can't believe that someone who knows the pain of sec IF would be so insensitive.  I am going to have to say something to her or it will eat away at me.  

Apart from that and being barren and dried up my life is fine and dandy  

Night night

Lainey x


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## wouldbegreat

Lainey glad you had a good time on the iow


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## ramblingrose

Lainey - was she one of those people though, who might shy away from telling you as she doesn't know what to say? (Don't worry, they annoy me too!) I know she shouldn't be like that having been in your situation, but maybe that is why

(I have several people avoiding me at the minute so I can speak from experience here - don't you just wish they'd tell you themselves and get it over with??!!! People avoiding you is far far worse.)


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## jobo5572

Hi all

My baby started school today        .  It was so hard to fight back the tears, then another mother started blubbing so that was it !  What made it better though was that DS wasn't remotely bothered about any of it.  He ran straight in and started playing and wasn't bothered when I left.  I then had to come straight to work, but I think being here is better than being at home as I would've missed him even more back home in an empty house.  Obviously I still miss him at work but I have work to keep me busy (yuk !).  Anyway, another major milestone reached/overcome, and chances are that'll be the last chance I have to do the starting school thing as I won't have another child to go through it with  .  But I suppose that makes today even more special.

Suszy - what a mammoth post !!!  Your fingers must be sore !  WRT WW, you must be looking in a dodgy mirror or standing on some dodgy scales as you don't look like you need to lose any weight.  You are lovely as you are.  I lost 5 pounds last night so was pretty chuffed with myself - especially as the other day I was in Pizza Hut with DH and DS and I had a salad whilst they shovelled pizza down their throats !  I'm glad you've had a good summer visiting lots of people, though sorry to hear about those friends who'd lost a friend.  That's very sad.  And that thing in Shropshire is terrible isn't it ?  Anyway hun, I wanted to wish you all the luck in the world for the 5th and beyond        

ramblingrose - good to see you posting.  I hope DS's first day back went OK.  I had my first experience of the school run today.  Nightmare !  How are you doing ?  

laineylou - as I said to you in my texts, that woman is completely insensitive I'm afraid.  Even if, as ramblingrose says, giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what to say, she should surely have known better having been a SIF-er herself.  With all you have shared with her, she could at least have had the decency to tell you herself, however big a hash she made of it.  PG announcements are hard at the best of times, but finding out second hand in situations like this is bang out or order  .  Shall we all set on her for you ?!!!  Hope you're OK hun  

lyndalou - hope Ben is OK.  How horrendous !  And yes, men are very good at milking it aren't they ?  How are you doing ?  

Pand - as ever hun, big   to you.  I am hoping and praying that all the super-fertiles at your family wedding this weekend will have the common decency to be sensitive towards your situation and not stick their pregnancies in your face or talk about it constantly.  You know where I am if it all gets too much.  Cardiff's not a million miles away so I can soon come down with my baseball bat   if necessary !  Will be thinking of you and worrying on Saturday so let me know how you are - if you're not too bladdered to text that is  .  WRT the in-laws offering money for IVF - what a lovely gesture, but don't feel under pressure to take them up on it right now if it's not for you.  Have a good long think about it and decide what's best for you.  Oh, and thanks for yesterday  

Cinders - how're you doing ?  Please keep us posted.

Missyb - missing you !

Bubbs - how're you doing ?  

Well it is now absolutely p1ssing down here in Tewkesbury and I was just about to go out for lunch.  Grrr.  Will love and leave you all for now and get my brolly out !

Hi to everyone I have unintentionally not mentioned.


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## ramblingrose

Aw Jo, bless your DS. How did he get on today? (and how did you get on? LOL)

I feel a bit gloomy today. I've felt OK for a few days but I think tiredness, PMT and seeing my SIL's bump growing are getting the better of me today. Never mind, onwards and upwards, eh?


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi all,

Wow this place is so wonderful to be able to think through thoughts and also admit you're feeling things. Like this going back to school thing. I live in Scotland so we went back on 18th August (total poo, still can't get used to it!). On the one hand I am so blessed that she's doing well, going back healthy and everything is fine, on the other hand...   I beat myself up over why it's just her.  I've even had first thoughts of adoption which have really stunned my dh but really inmy heart I would just adore to be able to get there with another one. It's a lot to go through (adoption) and I am in awe of people who can do it.  My dh thinks life is complicated enough, I also think he would worry about bonding with an aopted child and so would I, but they're all miracles, they're all blessings and I am very sad and panicky when I think of not having any more children...    Has anyone else been through this process of thought? I can't help wondering whether there's a less obvious little one for us somewhere and by ttc so much we're looking in the wrong place?! 

My heart really goes out with a big warm hug to everyone who's going through that back to school yukky feeling.  Jobo - I read your message and I felt totally on your wavelength with what you said. 

Cinders, please please don't go, you are our ray of hope and true sunshine. 

Suze, equally you are too because I would love to be able to do it again, very best of luck, I really enjoyed the tx and it was a lovely close time of being together in really trying to get there. And it's a wonderful chance 

Lainey, I understand your feeling about finding out like that about the other mother 14 weeks pregnant...

...A friend up the road, the mother of a friend of my dd's told me she's 10 weeks pregnant 'don't know how it happened... it shouldn't have if you see what I mean though of course I know how it did I just can't remember, oh it's just going back to all that baby stuff again'.  She is actually a lovely person and I quickly jumped in when I could with saying we'd had ICSI this summer and it hadn't worked.  And do you know... afterwards I realised her dates matched what mine would have been ...        And now I just don't want to see her because I feel I can't look at her, because I'll be thinking that's what I would have looked like etc.  I know I shouldn't be hanging on, but I was doing ok, until that and it feels like a wallop.  So I totally understand Lainey, and everyone else.  I'm just trying to have faith that there's a reason and we'll get there in the end and I hope and pray for you all too  . 

Rambling rose - I'm thinking of you, I hope you feel better really soon.  I had a lap and dye over 2 years ago and one was blocked.  I would like to have an hsg in case the other is now too. Did you have it through a clinic or your hospital, and does it give definitive answers? Sorry hope you don't mind me asking. 

Bubs - big hugs to you and lots of love.

Pand - and to you xx  

Thanks to everyone for being so wonderful and understanding.

Clare xx


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## RLH33

Hiya Everyone

Talitha - I too have thought about adoption as almost a last resort but I have the same fears about bonding as you do.  However I think that is something that you can overcome and if you find the right child then I am sure you would love it just the same.  I have two friends who have recently adopted sibling groups and they are very happy, it was hard work for them to get through the process but worth it in the end.  I also have a bit of a hang up about the age gap between ds any sibling which is quickly becoming a gaping whole (to my mind anyway) so adoption would in some ways overcome that if you went for a 1/2/3 year old.  I don't know that I would want another baby if it wasn't mine.  Anyway I haven't told anyone else any of this but it something I have secretly contemplated.

Lainey -   to your so-called friend - I think she should have made sure you found out personally from her and not second hand - my friend didn't tell any of our joint friends until she had spoken to me - it came as a real blow at the time and I still have this slightly bitter feeling that makes me not want to speak to her, trouble is I do really like her.  However it was much better to hear it that way.

Jo - Hope your ds liked school, my ds started pre-school yesterday and spent his first full day there.  I was worried about it but he loved it and I got loads done at home and didn't really miss him too much.  Good luck with WW, I have just lost half a stone on Slimming World which I found really good but due to work etc have stopped going to the sessions, I have already put 2 pound back on so must try harder otherwise it will all be back on very soon 

Suszy - hope you enjoyed yourself in Somerset - its a lovely part of the country but I am bias as I live on the outskirts of Bath 

Well I am looking forward to going to North Cornwall for the weekend but the weather looks like it is going to be crap   I went to the Dr's yesterday to get more Clomid and discussed lots of things with a new GP who is still unqualified and doing her last year of training - she was really lovely and easy to talk to.  Ov is playing silly buggers this month, I had reflexology two weeks ago so I don't know if that is affecting it but I usually ov on Clomid on day 14/15, I am now on day 20 and my temp finally went up, but only by a bit, hopefully it will shoot up tomorrow but I am now paranoid that the clomid has stopped working   Discussed all this with the DR who was really supportive, agreed to prog blood tests to see if I am right/wrong on ov and if there is no ov then she will ring my consultant and get advice from him on what I do next month - whether to double the dose, whether it is just a blip and whether I can take provera as I don't want to wait weeks and weeks for af to turn up again.  She was really reassuring and felt that she was going to help compared with the other Dr's who have a 'wait and see' culture   She also showed me the last consultant's letter which said that the next step for me, if, God fordbid, clomid doesn't work, is an HSG - bit worrying but will at least help us to know whether there is anything wrong.

RLH


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## dustyrose

Hello girls!

Back from Sunny Italy and it was such a fantastic holiday. I didn't want to come home and face my life but 'the show must go on'. BFN again this month after being 4 days late and ya know even though we are starting IVF, there was still a bit of hope that it could have been my turn. My endometriosis is definitely back with a vengenace and I've spent the last two days trying to get through work so I could crawl in bed and wait for the pain to end. My endo is worse than it was before surgery--WHY? WHYYYY?

I will go online tonight once the children go home so I can read all about everyone's lives and get caught up. Ive missed you all.....xxxxxx


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## jobo5572

Morning ladies

At work....really must do some work but can't help but catch up on here.

ramblingrose - sorry you're feeling down hun  .  It doesn't help at all when there's a bump close by growing does it ?  Thanks for asking about DS - he was fine at school and was very excited to see me when I picked him up at 3 which was nice.  He also went back today with no problems, so fingers crossed he is going to be fine.

Talitha - adoption has briefly crossed my mind a couple of times but I still don't feel (personally) that it would help my depserate desire for another (biological) child.  I worry that I wouldn't bond with the child as much as I would my own.  It also seems like a very long process to go through and potentially a lot of heartache - just like SIF really !  Sorry to hear about the friend that "doesn't know how it happened" -Grrr   - and that her dates match what yours would've been.  It's a big enough kick in the stomach as it is, finding out about another pregnancy, without the dates matching what would have been for you.  Hope you're OK  

RLH33 - well done for losing half a stone at SW.  Don't worry about the couple that have gone back on - if you're anything like me, you only have to look at food to put on weight  .  I, like yourself, have a big issue with the age gap and as time goes by obviously it gets worse as the gap gets bigger and bigger.  I realised last night when I picked up DS from school that as he's in a first, middle & high school system, he'll never go to school with a sibling if by any miracle one arrives one day.  It made me very sad  .  I saw lots of siblings yesterday holding hands and looking after each other - I just hope DS doesn't notice too  .  Sorry to hear you don't think the Clomid is working - could you have follicle tracking scans to see if it is ?  Glad to hear the new GP seemed more understanding.  Don't worry if you need an HSG - it's not that bad - just a little uncomfortable.  Hope you have a good time in North Cornwall and the crap weather stays away for you.

dustyrose - glad you had a fantastic holiday in Italy.  AF being 4 days late is so cruel and it's horrible how we get our hopes up just to have them dashed every month.  Sorry to hear your endo is more painful than before your op - have you discussed this with your GP/consultant at all ?  Hope the pain subsides and becomes more bearable  .

I have nothing to report - same sh1t, different day here.  Awaiting AF next week then have my IVF induction the week after.  Big fat hairy round things !

Love to all

Jo


----------



## ramblingrose

Evening ladies. Well the gloominess just won't lift. PMT with a vengeance. And I think I'm even more annoyed that I shouldn't have to have PMT if none of the equipment is any good!  

Talitha, I had the HSG at the hospital. The man who did it was a fertility specialist up on a visit from London and I was just 'lucky' that he opted to do my HSG. Well, not so lucky given the results, but you know what I mean....  He was really nice but unfortunately I had a funny turn while he was telling the bad news (mix of reaction to the dye and shock I think) so I didn't ask him any of the questions I would have normally and now am kicking myself  

I just don't know where I'm going with it all. And if one more person says 'at least you have one' I will personally throttle them. (These people usually have about 3 kids as well).  Where I work I come into contact with babies fairly often and today my first two customers just happened to be two very cute baby girls which didn't help at all! Aaaaarghhhhhh!

Self-pitying rant over. Hope all you ladies have had a better day today. xxx


----------



## Jane D

Hello

Sorry I dip in and out, but had to write.  My dd had first day at school today (five mornings per week in nursery).  She took it all in her stride and did not look back I am glad to say.  Got there early and saw a few mums I know, mostly older ones seeing off youngest child.  The ones likely to keep getting pregnant - the youngest of the lot will be turning up next week when their kids start.  Some times I cant bear to see people much older than me with a toddler, but I have a coping strategy which means I assume they have done deivf. My counsellor found that novel and unique.  My pof came out of nowhere like an alien stepping off a space ship with an evil infection, the very same alien that appeared 5 years ago and gave my mum non hogkins lymphoma - ok she is still with us.  
Anyway, I cope with school quite well as this year as nursery take her 4 days which is great.  then there is after school club the next year.  what I like to do is weigh up how many kids people have and their likelihood of having another and dealing with it.  So far noone has been nosy.  I am friendly with a lady who has 1 child and a much older step child and a few others, so I am glad I have made an effort earlier this year with play group.  Took loads of pics in case first and last time there is a first day at school.  I am glad I have my work 4 days a week though.  

spent this pm getting soaked looking for wooly tights  and a spare pinafore in  town.  Utterly pd of with it.  Going to Liverpool tomorrow to see the giant spider, that is if the rain hasnt broken it.  Dd has party in the morning.  Host has 3 kids, but I know her.  Will have to endure the younger sibs older sibs bit, but I feel strong.

i have found the family tree exercise therapeutic but sad as well.  I was saddened to find out that a link in the US was dying out as they had an only, unmarried apparently childless daughter still living aged 80.  I have no desire to contact them, it could shock or distress.  That is my biggest fear, my dd not having kids.

Next week our bloods ar done for DEIVF.  We have counselling on 12 Sept so looking forward and hoping this time next year it will be over.

Love to all

jane

xx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm really sorry but I don't really have the energy to write loads of personals today.  I will catch up at some point during the week, but suffice to say I'm really sorry to all of you who are having a rough time of it at the moment.  So many of your stories strike a chord with me.  The age gaps, the going to school things, the being pregnant when we should have been stuff... I so understand and have been there too.  I know how much it hurts and no one should have to go through any of this, espeically not the lovely people on here.

I'm tired because we got back early this morning after a late night at the wedding in Cardiff last night.  Yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Sat in a wedding ceremony literally surrounded by three newly pregnant relatives, all smiling and happy with their lot in life.  All three are starting to show, and then I have to listen to readings which talk about marriage being for the good times and the bad and boy have we had some bad.  Two of the girls came back giggling because they had had to go for a biscuit break, one of their husbands jokingly suggested that we get a buggy to carry all of our stuff, another relative was laughing and telling my SIL she was going to have her hands full with a 15 month old and another on the way and so it went on.  Some of the girls were complaining about being sick.  I sat in the ceremony and just wanted to howl.  But you will all be very proud of me.  In the evening I went up to all of them, one by one, and said that I really was very pleased for them and that I was sorry if I had seemed otherwise as I was really struggling with it all at the moment.  They were all lovely to be fair to them.  But I still feel so depressed.  I said to DH that I felt like I used to at school, when I would get left out of stuff cos I wasn't cool enough.  Except this time I there is nothing I can do to join their gang.

It's not been helped by the fact that I rang my cons on Friday to book in for my next clomid cycle for tracking.  He's still on leave and won't be able to track me this cycle either.  I don't have any more clomid after this cycle, but I can't get an appointment with him now til the end of the year.  So no clomid, no IVF.... I'm just stuck.  Watching all my bl**dy relatives getting fatter whilst my chances drift further and further away.  It just feels like I'm swimming in treacle.  Is life trying to tell me to give up?  Should I just accept that no matter what I do, I'm not going to have any more children so just give up.

Sorry for the me post, just thought I would update you.

Jo - thank you so much for your support this weekend.

Cinders - thank you too.

Suzy - Fingers crossed for you hun and hoping down regging drugs are being kind to you.

Love to you all

Pand


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Pand - you are a braver woman than most to go through what you did yesterday. Well done hun . It must've been so hard, being there with your 3 pg relatives. I am so proud of you for speaking to them and congratulating them - that must've been tough. I hope they were sensitive to your situation. I'm so sorry Mr W isn't available for ages - that is just not fair. Surely he should be keeping track of his current patients. Can you get some more Clomid from your GP or do you want to knock Clomid on the head ? I hope my texts have been of some help to you - I was so sad the other night to hear how down you were . Lots of love 

Sorry for no more personals but I'm feeling pretty down and am no help to anyone at the moment. Sorry. I have just about had enough these past few days. Well I _have _ had enough to be honest. It just feels that recently my lack of another child has just been thrown in my face - OK so I'm sensitive to the situation, but everywhere I look or everything I do seems to revolve around families/people with multiple children and I have to say, those people aren't even grateful that they've got more than one child. To make matters worse, they all seem to be moaning all the time and saying how hard life is, how they want the kids to go back to school etc. It makes me so angry and so upset. I would do anything to know what it felt like to have more than one child. I've already said in an earlier post about all the kids at DS's school that have siblings and seeing them walking along hand in hand etc. whilst my poor DS gets stuck with me. Me & DS were at a birthday party yesterday full of fertiles and multi-child families, as was the rest of the establishment. I'm sick of strangers (such as at parties) that say things like "oh, you've only got the one ?" and "aren't you having any more ?". Yes I've only got one - well quite honestly, what f'ing business is it of theirs anyway ? Through various days out with DH & DS recently I have also become increasingly aware of places offering discounts for "family tickets" which they describe as "2 adults, 2 children". I'm sorry, but that's discrimination, and it just hits home even more that I only have one child. I'm really with you Pand on the feeling about being back at school and being left out of things - and like you say, there's nothing I can do to change it.

I was in last night on my own (DS in bed and DH at work) and just cried like the sad individual that I am. I don't know what started it off but I was just hysterical. Probably a combination of PMT (af due soon), being alone, feeling lonely, and the events of the past few days/weeks, I don't know. I was also worrying about Pand at the wedding (but don't you dare apologise Pand or I'll be down on you like a tonne of bricks - you know I'm a worrier and that's no-one's fault but mine). I ended up going to bed at 9, bored to tears (literally). I got all upset again this morning. You know what it's like every now and then when you have to have a sort out of your childs clothes as they grow out of stuff ? Well I have always kept the good quality stuff bagged up in the loft in the slim hope that I'll have another to put it in one day. Today was about the first time that I actually thought "what's the bl00dy point ?". To top it all, DH had a go at me for giving him "even more sh1te to put in the loft" so I said to him "well forget it then - we might as well throw it anyway as we're not going to need it again". His response to that (instead of being remotely supportive or helpful) was that he wasn't willing to spend any money on IVF if that was my attitude. Whan I asked what he meant, he said that I have a bad attitude thinking that it'll never happen again and if I'm going into IVF thinking it won't be successful then what's the point ?. I tried to explain to him that I'd rather be of this line of thinking (i.e realistic) than going into it thinking it was going to work and he just called me stupid. Still, that's better than most of the names I've been called by him so I guess that's something. We have our IVF induction a week on Wednesday and I just don't know if I can be bothered to go. I'm not strong enough to face all the setbacks/failures and I have no support from DH at the best of times, never mind something as horrendous as IVF.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the me post but I'm just feeling that there's no hope. I can't remember my life before SIF either and that is really getting to me. I'm sure I used to be a nice, happy person once. Now I just don't care any more. I've had enough.

Sorry guys. Hope you're all OK.


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## Pand

Oh Jo,

Just nipped back on quickly to see if anyone else had posted.  I'm so sorry hun.  I'm sorry I didn't check how you were yesterday, I'm sorry you've been so down, I'm sorry your DH is so unsupportive and unkind and I'm sorry I can't fix it all for you.  You have been such a lovely friend to me and have really helped me through the last couple of days.  Don't forget I'm here for you too hun.  We've talked so many times about your situation and I'm at a loss as to what to advise you.  Stuff what DH says about your "attitude" towards IVF.  I know from personal experience that all this rubbish about going into it believing it will or won't work doesn't make a blind bit of difference.  It either will or it won't.  It's all down to luck and I know we are in short supply of that!!!  It just so happens that some people with positive attitudes succeed but then so do people who didn't!  You wouldn't be considering it if you thought there was no hope at all, but I don't blame you for being realistic.  It's a defence mechanism.  He who expects nothing is never disappointed and all that.  

As for DS's clothes, I've been there too.  BIL and SIL have most of our baby stuff now, DS's cot is sold, and I've tried three times to sell his clothes (no luck yet!).  I'm reluctant to throw it out or give it away, but as time goes by I feel that time is coming closer and closer.  Don't do it just yet chick.  I know why you feel like just burning the lot, but not just yet.  

Let's get you through the next hurdle first.  You need to go through with the IVF or you will always regret it.  I hope to god it works for you, but if it doesn't I will still be here and will try to plug the gaps that DH leaves.  You don't deserve to be treated the way you are but if I can help in any way I'm always here.  Let's go for it mate.  I'll hold your hand.

Love you.

Pand


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## jobo5572

Pand - thank you so much for your text and your reply to my post - you have nothing to be sorry for.  As I texted you the other day, my main concern certainly over the past few days has been you, as you have really had a tough time of it lately and I know this next week is going to be tough too  .  I was worried about how yesterday was going to go for you.  Don't be sorry you didn't ask about me - I could quite easily have told you how I was feeling but my main objective was getting you through the day/evening, so please don't worry about it.  All this is probably just my hormones/PMT and I'll be fine in a few days.  I really appreciate the fact that you care so much, but please don't feel that you have to plug the gaps DH leaves or you'll need to find one bl00dy gigantic plug.  It is my fault, and my fault only that I am in this position with DH, no-one elses.  Just the fact that I know you are there for me helps a great deal, honestly.  Thank you so much  .  I'd be lost without you hun.


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## missyb

hello everyone!

ive just spent the last half an hr reading all of the posts and i now have square eyes...   i have missed you all soooo much especially the golden girls   who have kept in touch and kept me going over the past few mths.

well ive just finished my first (since deciding to try again) course of clomid. even though im on half a tablet  ive had some wicked hot flushes and have (.) (.) that pamela anderson would be jealous of!!

from reading the posts im so gutted that so many of you are having a pants time   i want to have a tantrum and shout it's not fair... but i have a feeling that that would get me carted off! 

hi pand... you are an amazing person and so brave.. i know that i wouldnt have been able to do what you did and not have a major meltdown.. how is dh? sometimes we do 4get how they feel.. but i think we tell them how we feel more! 

hi jobo.... F***ng men!!  

hi suzy... hope the tx goes well..   for you

hi lainey-lou... missed you hun xx how are you doings.

hi bubs... so gutted to read about your news...   thinking of you.

hi cinders... big hugs   thinking of you and cant wait to get in the queue for the hold of baby cinders

hi em... how are you doing sweety?

to all of the newbies... welcome and i look forward to getting to know you all.


sorry for the brief catch up and the personals.

love you all though xx 


amanda


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## dustyrose

Im so rubbish at personals everyone and I am so sorry because I know we are all hurting and needing each others support but I just read Pand and Jobo's posts and girls, you have me in tears. the compassion, the friendship, the heartache--the bit about feeling that your just not 'cool enough' to join the gang---I don't know, I just feel really emotional about it all.

I need to get some sleep after a crazy weekend of christenings, baby birthdays and BBQ's...with so much emotion tied to each occasion. I am completely knackered but I will be praying for you and all of us tonight.

Amanda, I know we don't know each other very well but it is really good to hear from you again.
xxxxxxxxxx


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Sorry I haven't been here for a while, life has been a bit hectic. I started a new job 2 weeks ago and have spent a lot of time dashing from one part of the country to another!! Anyway it seems to have calmed down now.

Missyb - good to hear from you,.

Pand - Sorry you're having such a hard time at the mo. There's nothing can take away the pain of seeing everybody else having what you haven't got. We all know that pain, and it's even worse when it's at what is supposed to be a happy occasion for you. I think you were really brave talking to them about it. I just wondered whether it was possible for you to see another consultant in the interim or not? My consultant has been really helpful, I could give you his number if you wanted to call him. Also, why can't you be tracked by the nurses? The waiting around is so frustrating isn't it?

Jo - Sorry you're still feeling so low at the mo. Perhaps it might help to try to feel positive about the ivf? I know it's a coping mechanism to feel that it's not going to work, but at the end of the day you'll feel devestated either way so you may aswell think it's going to work, at least it'll help you to stop feeling so miserable!! My DH used to say the same thing to me about it being pointless if you don't think it's going to work, they just don't get that it's how we cope, so don't think that it's just your DH. I think you're going through the same things I went through about 18 months ago, with the realising that everything is geared towards 2 kids or more, everybody asking if you're going to have any more. My dd is 6 now, and people don't ask anymore. I know it's hard to believe at the moment but time helps in terms of learning to live with things - and in any case hopefully the ivf will work and you won't have to worry about it anyway. Take care hun, it was lovely meeting you the other week.

Suszy - Thinking of you with your treatment, hun, I really hope it works for you.


Hi to Cinders, lainey, dustyrose, bubbs, rambling rose, emilycaitlin and anyone else I've missed. 

I hope you don't all mind, but I'm not going to be posting much at the moment. I think it'll help me to get on with my life if I'm not dwelling on it too much. We're still trying au naturel at the moment, and will probably try iui again in a few months but I'm realistic about the fact that if I'm not going to do ivf my chances are quite low. I'm enjoying the fact that I'm up and running with my career again, and I think I'm going to try to focus on that for the time being. I love my dd so much, and I owe it to her to get on with life and not be moping around all of the time. 

I will still be catching up and will probably find it impossible not to post anyway!!!  

Massive   to you all. I hope we can have some more success stories soon.

Faithful x


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## jobo5572

MissyB - Welcome back     !!!!.  We have missed you !  Thanks for all your texts.  Yes, f***ing men exactly !  Good luck with the old nutty drug hun  

dustyrose - sorry mine & Pand's posts made you so sad  .  Thank you so much for your post.  I don't know where I'd be without my ff's, but Pand especially has been a super friend to me.  I bet the poor woman wishes she'd never met me  

faithfullyhoping - hope the new job is going OK.  We will miss you but fully understand your reasons for not posting as often.  Take care of yourself  

Pand - hi hun, how're you doing ?  I'm sure you must be relieved to have got the wedding out of the way, yet so drained emotionally at the same time.  You did so well going there, and then to speak to all the pg relatives individually too was so so brave.  Well done you !  Big hugs for you hun   

Suszy - how's tx treating you so far ?  Hope you're OK.  

Cinders - hey pregnant lady - how's your belly ?

Lainey - you OK hun ?  Have you battered that woman at school into submission yet ?!

Hi and love to everyone else.  I've got comments to make on a report before tomorrow so must go and do some work.  Sorry for being so miserable but I know you all understand.


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## emsylou

hey ladies, im sorry i havnt been posting here a lot, have been trying to cram as much time with dd in before she starts full time nursery, am realy not looking foreward to her going because i have only ever taken her to mother and toddler so its like shes going to be taken away from me and the thought of her going is breaking my heart. 
I have brought her little uniform that she has to wear and she is realy excited but i am trying my hardest not to show her that i am going to burst into tears but i dont know how im going to manage on thursday when she goes, i know that she has to go, but i dont think i can bear to be away from her for that long, i know it sounds silly but i am scared that im not going to be able to spend as much time with her as im used to having her around me constantley. Sorry id better go can feel my self filling up and i must sound so silly just felt like i needed to let a bit of my feelings out as dh doesnt understand. thankyou xx


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## lainey-lou

Hi All

Oh Emma - I really feel for you.  It is so tough when they start school, especially as they are so precious to us.  I am sure it won't be as bad as you expect and it sounds as if she is excited about it so that's good.  

Missy - welcome back love, we have missed you    Good luck on the nutty pills.

Pand - well done on getting through the wedding.  What an ordeal!  You are so brave, I always seem to blub in these situations.  Life is so cruel, why does everyone around us seem so bl00dy fertile?  It's so unfair.  Take care lovie.  I am here if you need me  

Suzsy - how are the drugs going?  Are you nervous/excited?

Cinders - how is the bump coming on?  Sorry you are suffering a bit.  

Jobo - don't beat yourself up about everything.  I think you are so self critical (which is a sign of depression) and it is unwarranted.  You are brave and supportive to your friends and intelligent, etc, etc.  You have a lot going for you (including gorgeous son) so remember your life is not all bad, although I know SIF makes it seem like that sometimes.  This IVF might actually work you know, it has been known to work occasionally    Don't give up hope completely.  As Pand said, if you really thought there was no hope you wouldn't be wasting your money.  Try to retain at least a glimmer of hope, for your sake.  Telling off over!  

FFH - glad you have settled into your job and hope it is going well.  I have taken a bit of a step back lately as I felt IF was ruling my life.  I am trying to get a bit of a balance back in my life so I completely understand where you are coming from.  Take care and make sure you still post occasionally.

Hi to everyone else - dustyrose, Lyndalou, wbg, bubbs.  

I haven't punched school mum yet.  She keeps trying to make eye contact with me but I am so cross I can't talk to her yet.  I have decided the best way to deal with it is to send her a congrats card and mention in it how saddened I was that she didn't tell me face to face.  That will avoid me saying the wrong thing and losing my temper  

I am having my eyes lasered on Wednesday morning.  I am as blind as a bat so hopefully I will have perfect vision afterwards.  I am completely   though, I hate medical stuff, especially when it involves eyes and me being awake.  My lovely dr has given me valium though so I am going to dose myself up on that  

Speak soon

Lainey xx


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## jobo5572

Lainey - good to hear from you.  Yes I probably am self critical but that probably stems from having always been made to feel like a failure.  I don't make a conscious effort to do it, but it just comes so naturally !  Think your idea of a card to that woman at school is a great idea - you can put in it what you really feel which will come across better than losing your rag with her (which you have every right to do).  Good luck  .

Pand - hi hun.  Hope you're OK.  Thinking of you as I know tomorrow will be so hard for you hun.      

Emma - good luck with your DD and nursery - it is so heartbreaking but it is good for them in the long run.

Well the reason for my emotionally irrational outburst on Sunday was confirmed this morning when old witchy poo   turned up  .  I was so hacked off but didn't cry (that's a first !!) as I think I'm just resigned to the fact that I'm doomed.  Of course the very stupid side of me was wondering "what if", so that we didn't have to go to our IVF meeting next week.  Ah well, at least I know I'm stupid.

Met my new team today at work - and guess what.......ooh I bet you can't guess........oh go on then......yes, you got it, one is pg.  To make matters a million times worse, she had great delight in telling everyone that it was "an accident" and as she already has 2 it was a shock to the system and was going to be a nightmare.  Well I'm so sorry for you, you absolute *****  !!!!  I was raging !  Grrr.

Off to fat club again tonight to be told I'm a lardy bum.  Sat and looked at a tray of biscuits all day in the team meeting without giving in.

Love to all.

Jo


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Time to do personals.  I've been very slack and very selfish lately so here goes!

Jobo - I'm really sorry witchy turned up the old hag.  I find I don't cry when mine lands anymore cos it's not a surprise.  I do still get my hopes up tho, but I think that's human.  Sorry about the baggage at work.  I'm beginning to think voodoo dolls may be an option you know!  Hope you lost loads at WW given your resistance with the biscuits.  You're doing so well... keep it up chick.

Lainey - I'm not surprised you're a bit scared about your eyes being lasered!  I would be too!  Good luck chick. Hope it goes well.

Suzy - Where are you?  How's your tx going mate?  Hope the down regging headaches are keeping at bay and that you are feeling positive.  Have everything crossed for you chick.

Cinders - How's the melon my flower?  Getting bigger and heavier by the day I hope!!  Hope you're not suffering too much tho.  You don't deserve that!  You deserve a dream pregnancy and labour after all you've been through!!!!!

Missyb - I've missed you so much and I'm so excited to have you back!  Hope the evil clomid isn't playing you up too much!  I'm onto cycle three now and don't have any more, so only one more month to go!

FFH - Glad your job is going well hun.  And good for you, taking a step back too.  We all need to do that from time to time.  Hope DH has managed to find a new job too.  Good luck chick.

Emma - Sorry to hear you're struggling with DD's first day at nursery. I think just about everyone on here has felt that tug at some point and we all know how painful it is.  We do understand even if the men don't!

Dustyrose - Sorry to hear you've had a battering this weekend too hun.  And sorry if my post made you cry!  This is such a horrible journey and I guess we all identify with each other's pain.  

Jane D - Good luck with the bloods and DEIVF.  

Bubs - I'm sure you are licking your wounds at the moment and I remember so well how painful it is to lose a baby that is wanted so much.  It's a year ago tomorrow since I lost mine and all I wanted to do was lock myself in a cupboard for months afterwards.  It still hurts like hell even now.  I hope you feel able to come back and chat soon.

Ramblingrose - Oh mate, I so get that "At least you've got one," comment.  It's the one that drives me absolutely crazy!!!!  I'm really sorry about your devastating news from the HSG.  It's so strange how life seems to poddle along and then something as life changing as that happens.  The rest of the world just keeps turning whilst we are still reeling from the shock.  I hope you work something out.


RLH - Sorry to hear your body is not behaving on the evil drug clomid.  It's mucked my cycle around too.  Your GP sounds so lovely tho.  I wish I had one like that!!!  I hope your bloods show you are still ovulating hun.

Talitha - Hi!

Lyndalou - OMG!! Your poor DS!  It's just the sort of thing I could imagine my little man doing!  Hope is doint ok and mending well.  How are you keeping in yourself?

That's all for tonight ladies!!! Phew!!!!!  I haven't thrown myself off a cliff yet and I will try and come back with a more positive post next weekend!!!!  Love to you all.  I am so proud to count you all as friends and so grateful for all of your supportive posts.  No one understands like you guys.

Lots of love

Pand


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## ramblingrose

Hi ladies. Just popping in for a very quick hello. It seems a lot of us have been feeling crappy last few days - is there something in the air or what?!!!!! (apart from rain, that is.....) I felt absolutely terrible last couple of days and didn't have the energy to write anything of any substance.

AF came on yesterday - first one since my HSG and boy is is a biggie    I had cramps last night that I've not had since I was about 14!!!! I do still feel a bit crappy as I have a cold coming on, and it's my birthday on Thursday and I really can't cope with being one year older. 37; what happened to the hopeful and energetic twenty-something I used to be?    My life was supposed to be all sorted by now and it so isn't. I don't live where I want, don't have a job worthy of me, don't have the family I want, my health is up the spout....aarrrghhhhhh. (I also suffer from arthritis and last few days it really flared up and it makes me feel like I'm about 100, so with that that the infertility I just feel like if I was a  horse they'd shoot me.........LOL  - try to see the humorous side but doesn't always happen)

Anyway less of my selfish rantings. I hope all you ladies are ok. Pand, lots of love tomorrow; I'm sure you'll be feeling pretty sad and so sending you love and a cyber hug to help you through the day.

Love also to everyone else. I've read all the posts and think everyone here needs some luck soon....there has to be some round the corner, surely?

Vicki  x


----------



## SUSZY

HI Girls
I have just read everyones messages but now not sure if have the energy to reply so hope you dont mind if keep it short tonight.
As pand and jobo have said I am sorry for all of you and us and we are all in the same boat and its so lovely that we are here for each other.

I started down regging on Friday and so far so good, I dont seem to get the headaches well not at first anyway and have been really ok  I did sob uncontrollably when I came out of school on Friday as ds photos was not on the wall with all the others - there was a display that said Who am I , Where am I (they have since explained its part of a focus on identity) and most of his class are on except for him, there is a person whose been cut off and I am pretty sure that its him and three of the kids have left and their photos are on so that peed me off no end !!  It follows his whole school history of never having any work up, being overlooked because he is quiet and well behaved! and they got his name wrong on the register and tray as in they used his first name and we use his middle name! anyway i am well fed up with the school and might have to pick your brain Pand again as really need some help.  I am also thinking of getting a private tutor.  So girls I am afraid the first hurdle is getting them to school and then you end up over obsessing because they are your only one and sometimes I think i am just over reacting but am really not sure.

I met a friend for lunch today and she told me she was preg and I was elated and really elated even though she has two but she had a very bad miscarriage a year ago and we have been meeting and chatting about the whole want a baby thing and its been nice and yes I wish it was me and i so hope that I can join her in a month or so or rather I wish we all could be there.

For some reason feeling ok about all the babies that have been born recently but perhaps thats because i have not seen them.

I have not been on here much as we are still on the lap top and sometimes I lose messages and find it slower to type.

Pand - sorry the wedding was so bad but sounds like you were really brave.  So sorry also about the lack of clommid - it really sucks.  you know I am here too if you need to chat/text etc.  I do hope you are being back into the swing of things at school and could really do with your help sometime but dont worry about it now as you have your hands full.  Thinking of you tomorrow - here for you if you need a chat etc. Sending love and luck down the email to you and everyone.

jobo - sorry that its so hard with ds going to school but it does get a bit easier, I know why you have gone up to five days a week as it is hard being at home without them but it might have been nice for you to have had some time to yourself - to look after yourself and be kind to yourself as you need it.  I am sorry dh is not being as supportive as ever.  I am here for you if you need to chat.  Keep up the good work with WW you are doing so well and how great that you ate salad rather than pizza - you must have been so proud of yourself.  sorry about af its always so hard.

missby - its so lovely to hear from you again and thanks for keeping in touch  - its great to have you back on board and good luck sweetheart

rambling rose - cannot believe yours is in year 4 - i know it goes so quick and cannot believe ds is in year 2 - it is hard with the age gap and if this next tx works there will be more than seven years but perhaps its the best gap who knows its just the heartache we have been through to get there if we ever do.  So sorry you are feeling so pants I really do think its down to the gloom and doom of the weather esp with having the bad summer we had.  it does not take much for me to get down so am going to try and do the gym and grab some sun when i can.  Happy Birthday for Thursday sweetheart and hope you have a lovely day and so so sorry things so pants for you and so hope some sun shines over you soon.  Re the at least you have one it is very annoying - have you not looked at pands thread about all the annoying things people say to us.

rlh - sorry about your cycles and it does sound like you found a great Dr and very understanding and helpful and its so nice to talk to people who actually listen.

cinders - how are you honey, hope you are doing well, please come and say Hi sometimes

lainey- lou here for you honey and so sorry about that person at school, it is very hard and hurtful when people dont tell you stuff when you tell them, I have started to say less to people than I used to.  Good luck with your eyes being lasered - you are so brave doing it!!!! 

Talitha - yes isn't it wonderful to come to a place and just be able to type what you feel and know that others can relate to it and know instinctively what you are feeling and can offer support etc that is whats so great about FF - the fact that we are here for each other.

jane d - glad the first day did not go so bad and thinking of you and wishing you luck with everything and we must get together soon!!!!

emma - I know its hard when kids start nursery, preschool or school but unfortunately they have to do it and its part of growing up and its good for them no matter how much we miss them and am sure she is ready.  Thinking of you.

bubbs - how are you feeling sweetheart - we are all here for you

foxy2- hope you are ok

would be great - hope you are ok

tuck - how are things honey

lyndalou - thinking of you as ever

dustyrose - glad you had a great holiday and yes its not brill getting back into the routine is it.

ffh - good luck with the new job! and dont worry if you need to take a break from here for a while we are here when you want to come back.

well better get off to bed now as its late and need my beauty sleep and promise to be back soon

love 

susie           
just hope we all get our dreams and very soon


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## jobo5572

Pand - thinking of you today hun  .  I know you said you were OK this morning but you know where I am if you have a wobble later tonight and you need a real hug.  Lots of love and an enormous hug for you  

ramblingrose - you're not being selfish by posting how you're feeling - that is what we're here for.  Sorry you're feeling so pants and that you have AF from hell plus your arthritis.  Why is life so unfair ?  Hope you have a happy birthday on Thursday - you're not that old.  I know what you mean about all the things you think are wrong with your life.  I have really tried to take stock lately of everything in my life and it's all just a big pile of poo, except for my DS and my ff's.  Please continue to post how you feel and look after yourself  

Suszy - your post made me chuckle as you said it would be a short one and then it was the usual Suszy style mammoth post !  You are so great at doing big posts.  Glad the DR seems to be going well so far.  I really hope this tx works for you hun.  I don't think you're over-reacting at school - I would be upset if my DS wasn't on the board too.  I was miffed on day 1 as his peg is right in the corner so he has no room to manouevre or put anything.  Didn't want to sound too Dirty Dancing though by saying "no-one puts my baby in a corner"  .  They also didn't spell his name correctly and that always winds me up so I understand why you'd be annoyed at them using his first name when he uses his middle name.  It is a shame that he is overlooked because he is quiet and well behaved.  I think most only children are - is it because they get so much of our love and attention possibly ?  I was speaking to a woman at the school gates last night that had her 2 kids screaming and shouting at each other and she turned to me and said "oh you're lucky, you've only got the one".  Erm, lucky ?  No I don't think so.  Yes, lucky to have the fabulous DS that I have, but not lucky that I only have 1.  Anyway, it did make me think about the positives of only having DS having seen the fraught state she was in !

I'm still feeling down but I'm sure I'll snap out of it in a few days when AF buggers off.  I only lost 1lb at WW last night   so was a bit miffed as I have been so strict and I'd have been happier with more off.  I know it should only come off slowly, but when you have a lot to lose it would be better if it dropped off in stones, not pounds !

Hope everyone has a good day.


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## Jane D

Hi Folks

Just wanted to say Jobos post about school and only children being well behaved struck a deep chord with me and made me smile so much.  I can literally take dd  anywhere, like to my dental appointments and hair appointments and she just sits looking at a book!  You know when you are on a plane and multiples run riot and appear from behind your seat and start kicking seat, and the parents expect you to smile,  that really annoys me.  My dd sits happily colouring and talking to us.  I had compliments off the passengers either side of us last time we flew.  I think kids running riot is probably more prevalent with tiny age gaps, the stereotypical 2 year gap. If my Deivf works next year, dd will nearly be 5.  I think youngest children can be badly behaved, from my limited experience as they race to be the same age as the oldest sib and may access age inappropriate toys concepts and language.  More positive point is they have to stand up for themselves against the older child so may be more forward and "loud". 

Leave you with a thought for the day: What it would be like to live in China with everyone having one child? Are they all better behaved over there?

Love to all


Jane


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## ramblingrose

LOL Jane - at least people won't walk around saying 'at least you have one child'  because they all do!!!!!!!!!!! You don't have to walk round there seeing people churning out a child every 5 minutes and not able to look after them or appreciating them......

Thanks for the nice words everyone. I feel a bit odd today; I'm not sleeping well at all; it hits me when I get into bed at night.

Hope everyone's having an ok day and you are keeping those demon negative thoughts at bay.

xxx


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## Foxy2

Hey Ladies. Been away for a while and couldn't face all the SIF stuff so sorry I've not been on for a while. Feel bad that I've not been there to support you all especially with the back to school stuff. remember so clearly how upsetting that was last year when DS went. It does get easier Ladies hang in there! And yes, singles ARE better behaved and do so well at school. i know that doesn't help much but it's all I've got. Sorry.

Camping was OK. DS loved it and found a new confidence that comes from the freedom of wandering to the toilet block on his own and meeting up with other kids in the playground. Was so proud of him. Bickered lots with DH so that was pants! Think it's just all the emotion of everything we're going through that led us to sitting in a field in the middle of nowhere, scoring points off each other. Felt really low and fed up with everything but am feeling much better now. Just needed a bit of time and space to get my head back together I think.

So glad you girls are there for each other. It really does help doesn't it. Sorry but can't even contemplate catching up with all the posts since I last checked in so please forgive me, i will try to pick where everyone is at from now.

Have been put on the pill to try to stop cysts flaring up for the last month (think that's why i felt so miserable) but off now and waiting for AF so that we can get on with next IVF. Just realised I've been missing a trick. Went for consultation and was given a prescription for next cycle which i plucked up the courage to say i was going to get quotes from elsewhere (always got drugs from clinic before) only find out that I can get them for LESS THAN HALF price if I go direct to manufacturer!!!!!!  Part of me is so chuffed but the other half is absolutely furious that the clinic rips you off to that extent. As if everything is expensive enough!!?

Just wanted to share that with you because I remember there were a few of you saying cost was stopping you having any further treatment. Didn't know if you had explored alternative sources for meds.

Anyway, big hugs and lol to you all. Will stop by from time to time if that's OK but might keep my head down for a while.

Wishing you all lots of happiness. x Foxy x


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## Pand

Hi everyone,

Only a quickie tonight.  I just wanted to say a big thank you to all my ffs who have texted/sent cards/gifts and generally been just lovely yesterday.  I coped with it a lot better than I thought I would and I'm sure it's down to the fact that you have all been there for me.  Thank you all so much I am really touched.

Jo - I can't thank you enough for all your texts the card, the bottle of wine and the lovely rose.  You are a very special lady.  I feel very lucky to have you as a friend.

Cinders - Your card and the earrings were truly lovely.  I cried when I opened your card today.  You have been such a lovely friend and helped me through some tough times.  Just remember I am still always here for you whatever happens, good or bad!  I want to share your good times too don't forget.  I hope the melon isn't weighing you down too much.

Suzy - Thank you for your lovely message.  You are wonderful. I know you are always there for me and the same goes the other way.  I'm sure you are just trying to get through your tx at the mo, but if you need to chat or let off steam my ears are always ready to listen!!

And to everyone else.  You are all very special and lovely people.  Thank you.

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought, but I've felt a little more down today.  I'm very hurt that none of my or DH's family have even been in touch.  It hurts especially as I've always made sure I have taken flowers to the grave of my SIL and BIL's baby (lost at 20 weeks) and also at Christmas and my MIL and FIL also make a big effort on those occassions.  It just makes me feel that because I lost mine at 10 weeks it doesn't count or isn't as important.  I know what they went through was absolutely awful and I wouldn't want to ever have to go through it myself, but what we went through was made so much more awful by the fact that not only did our baby die, but so did our hopes of having any more children on that day.  I guess I just expect too much of people or maybe they think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  I don't know.  It's just left me feeling like my friends care more than my family.  

Sorry for the self-indulgent post.

Love Pand


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## SUSZY

HI Girls
Just a quickie tonight Jobo!! (hope you are feeling bit brighter soon and do keep your good work up - if you lost a pound a week how wonderful would that be 3 and half stone over a year!!!!) hopefully my maths is correct!
Pand - sorry I only sent a message today and not card or gifts but I was thinking of you.

I think having the summer off as it were and down regging now and with ds being back at school I have been busy catching up with friends and going to the gym.  i still dont know what to do about that I handed my notice in and it should be ending at the end of the month but i have so enjoyed going the last few weeks and am back on track focuses on ds, dh and the gym as opposed to other things.  I am away again this weekend to a reiki residential but all women except for a 65 year old and am looking forward to meditating and walking and just generally feeling relaxed, I go tomorrow afternoon and come back on Monday am.  ds is going to my mums probably in somerset so he will be in his wet suit and board which will be good, dh is working a lot over weekend and will hopefully get a few jobs done.  Feeling quite happy and content and really ok, the inj always seem to have this effect on me!

Not sure what else to say other than I noticed I missed eeyore, Wendeth , nic and emily caitlin so sorry about that.

As ever sending love and luck to you all.

Good luck to everyone
    

love
susie


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi all,

Pand - have been thinking of you loads. There are so many of us on here who either know or understand how you feel and you too are so good at understanding other people and being here for everyone. Go easy on yourself over the next few days and never, ever give up on a miracle. Our consultant said to us, that they are all miracles however they're conceived, but there are plenty of them and he never says never about anything. 

Foxy2 - not sure we've 'met' yet but lovely to see you back. Can totally understand, I get the same, sometimes I'm in here a lot and then other times I can only read to catch up and can't find the extra strength to post! I agree that the school thing does get easier. I am so grateful (and I'm not preaching, I know we all are!) that my dd is healthy and doing well and although I want to hold her back sometimes for myself, I know that it's fantastic that she's growing the way she should. I'm trying to spend more 'special mummy time' (as she puts it!) with her and it does help a lot to soak that up.

Emma - I know the starting nursery thing is tough too, but there are so many wonderful things about it, she'll start making you lovely surprises now and learn new songs and it'll all come back for you. 

Cinders - our lovely beam of hope!         Hope you're feeling good, look after yourself!  

Jo - I'm thinking of you too, look after yourself   I have done WW too and the main thing is to just keep it off. Remember, you hadn't put any on!  

Suszy - thinking of you down-regging, I'm really glad they have a good effect on you. I was fine on them too and it just feels so good to be getting on with it, doesn't it? Reiki sounds really interesting. I want to train as an acupuncturist, which I swear by, based on similar principles. Hope your weekend goes well. 

Rambling Rose - hope your AF calms down soon and you feel better.  

Everyone else, huge huge hugs and lots of love xxxxx

As for me, more and more I'm starting to think of adoption and it's difficult because dh and I are very close but the conversations we had a couple of weeks ago, he was stunned I'm thinking of it. But I can't help it, I really do think that for us it might be the answer. I have to be patient though, and I keep looking at other kids thinking, could I love a child like my own that wasn't born with us? I think I could, but I so want to be in it together.  I know that ny dh is desperate for another child, but he feels this would be complicated and that life is complicated enough. He's been waiting to hear if he's got a job (which he's been after for 18 months and wished for a lot longer than that!) and finally he's got it. It will make a big difference to our finances (nothing amazing, just stability!). I've been waiting for that to happen and now I think this weekend I really want to talk more about it. But I'm afraid to because if he were to shut the door on it I'd feel awful. I don't think he would though because he's not at all selfish, but still it's a lot to ask of someone. I'm just not sure a 2nd icsi is for us and it is unlikely (though not impossible) it will happen naturally.  I kind of think though that in years to come we might get a lovely surprise and that in the meatime we can extend our family to someone who really needs us. Also my dd has for some reason been going on about wanting a baby brother or sister recently, she goes through phases with it, and I just know that although there would be hard times she'd be great in that situation with a younger child.

Thanks everyone, take care and lots of love to you all, 

Clare xx


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## jobo5572

Just a quickie as I really should get to bed.

Pand - your post wasn't self indulgent at all hun. As I have said to you before, a mc is a mc at whatever stage it is, and everyone reacts/copes/deals with a mc in a different way and each and every person has suffered a loss and is allowed to deal with it in their own way. And a mc _is _ important to those that experience it - it's just a shame that perhaps others don't think along the same lines. Perhaps as BIL and SIL had the chance to meet and say hello as well as goodbye to their little one and have got the lasting memories of the footprints/photos etc. and had to go through a funeral and have a grave to remember their little one by etc., they think that theirs is more important and/or significant than yours, as perhaps do the rest of your family/inlaws etc. It still doesn't excuse them not doing anything to remember tom tom but I'm just wondering where they're coming from. I don't know - I could be speaking out of turn. However, BIL and SIL even seemed to brush off their recent mc as it was "only 6 weeks" as if it meant nothing. OK, so losing their 1st baby to Edwards must've been highly traumatic and devastating, but that does not mean that losing tom tom at 10 weeks is any less traumatic and devastating to you hun. In a way, you could argue that losing a baby so early on is even more devastating as you never actually got to say hello or goodbye, nor do you get a grave etc. to visit - you just have a great big void in your life and the dreadful memories of that day last year.

I am glad that you did get support from your ff's and the neighbour that gave you a card too. I hope you realise that it's because YOU are the very special lady that those people supported you yesterday. I really didn't know what to do, but when I found the Tom Tom rose I wondered if you'd find it inappropriate or insensitive of me which is why I checked with you first. The last thing I would've wanted to do was upset you. And thank you for letting me pop over to give you and DH a hug - the text and online ones just aren't the same. Don't worry about being p1ssed off with your family - I completely agree with you, and don't forget, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family ! We're always here for you hun 

You've been one very brave lady over the past week - many would've just crumbled into a heap - me included. You should be very proud of yourself.

Will catch up with other personals another day ladies. I'm pooped.


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## jobo5572

It's me, back again !  I really should be working but my mind is on SIF, as usual !

OK, catching up on other personals....

Jane D - I like your thought for the day about China......and imagine all that Chinese food, mmmmmm  .  You're right, all the (very few) only children that I know are lovely, polite and remarkably well behaved, especially when compared to multiples who seem to play up constantly and battle amongst themselves for the attention.  I even had a comment from DS's teacher this morning about how lovely and well natured DS is - it made me very proud of him and I suppose a little proud of myself for raising such a lovely child.  I've often thought though that it's maybe because we've been blessed with these wonderful children that "him up there" ain't letting us have any more !

ramblingrose - I hope you're OK.  It's hard isn't it, when SIF is constantly on your mind and it's brought to the forefront of your mind even more at quiet times like when lying in bed.  I've been making it worse lately by reading infertility books when I go to bed - what a dope !

Foxy2 - glad you enjoyed your camping trip and DS had a good time.  If you feel you need to take a break and not post on here so often then do that....you do what's right for you and look after yourself  

Suszy - I love your posts, big or small  .  Have a great weekend on your reiki residential.  I'm glad tx is treating you well so far.  Good luck hun   

Talitha - great news about DH's job !!  If you really want to talk more about adoption then go for it - if you feel so strongly about it then you should discuss it with DH but I understand your hesistation to do so for fear of being let down or him not being in agreement.  Perhaps approach it by saying you'd just like to discuss it and put your thoughts forward, rather than making him think he has to make a decision there and then.  Good luck if you go for it   

Pand - hope you enjoyed the wine last night and you've realised that the reason we all want to look after you is because we care so much about you.  Was speaking to mad fish this morning at school who also cares about you heaps too  

Cinders - hope you're OK hun.  How's the melon ?

Lainey - you ok ?

Bubbs - how're you doing ?

Missyb - you ok hun ?

Lyndalou - hope you're OK.

Everyone else.....my tummy is rumbling and I keep getting funny looks off the bloke on the next desk so I'd better go and get some grub.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend xxx

Jo


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## jobo5572

Oh dear, 3 posts in a row......am I Billy No Mates or what  ?!

Sorry ladies.....a little bit of a me post really if anyone is out there.  Feeling a bit weird, as in not quite sure how I feel  .  Our first IVF appointment has finally come round (tomorrow) and I have to say I'm absolutely bricking it.  It seems to be a mixture of nerves, sadness, anxiousness, hesitation, denial, loneliness, fear, dread etc. but mainly how the hell did I end up in this position ?  What's gone wrong ?  Why me ?  Why can't I do the most natural thing in the world and conceive a child ?  I did it once, within a month of trying, and now look at me.  What a state.  I just don't know if I can put myself through it.  As you may have all gathered, I don't have the most fantastic marriage in the world (in fact that's an understatement) and I'm just aware of what a stressful and emotional rollercoaster this is going to be and the fact that I have no support from DH who appears to be completely unphased about the possibility of not having another child and is just more concerned about the amount of money we'll have to spend to try.  Has everyone else been through these kind of emotions (except for the DH bit) ?  Am I just being silly ?  I feel so bad towards DS as the poor wee mite is all on his lonesome and that is all my fault.  I would do anything to provide a sibling for him.  But as I've said before, perhaps it is because I've been blessed with such a wonderful child that I'm not being allowed to have any more ?  Also, I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I do my DS, so maybe I don't have any love left to give to another child ?  

Have I lost the plot guys  ?

Pand hun, I know you've offered to support and help me through this and I am so so very grateful to you but I'm wary that if I lean on you too much, you'll fall over.  I'm no lightweight you know !  Plus you need to look after you, not me.

Sorry guys - had to offload as I have no-one else to talk to that would understand.  Thank you for reading this.


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi Jo

I've been wondering where everyone had gone - despite intending to not keep coming on here!!!

Anyway - I've not been through ivf hun, so I can't help you in terms of how I felt.  However, I'm sure that the emotions that you're going through are completely natural - I've felt and still feel all of the things that you've just said.  I guess the fact that you're about to start ivf just rubs it in. The thing that i've been trying to get my head around lately is that just because you're having fertility treatment, it doesn't mean that you can't conceive naturally ever, it's just trying to speed the process up for you. There are loads of stories about people conceiving naturally after going through ivf. I guess what i'm trying to say is - don't beat yourself up about it - even if it doesn't work (which hopefully it will) it's not the end of the road. Perhaps you should turn all of your feelings upside down and think of your appointment as as really important positive step towards getting pregnant. 

I know how frustrating it is when you conceived so quickly the first time - I think many of us have been in that boat. It's so hard to understand why. I guess at the end of the day we have to wonder why not us. Why should anyone else go through this pain? I wouldn't wish it on anyone - although sometimes i wish that the Fertiles could just experience it for a short time so that they would understand!!!

I wish you all the best with your appointment and I'll be following your progress, really hoping you get your bfp soon - and suszy too, I would just be so happy for you both.

Lots of love and hugs

Faithful x


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## Pand

Oh Jo,

I am always here to lean on you daft mare!!!!  I'm a sturdy girl and don't fall over easily trust me!

I felt exactly the same about IVF the first time round.  I feel pretty much the same about a second cycle now!!  IVF is such a huge commitment financially and emotionally it's not surprising you feel so nervous/anxious/terrified etc.  You will cope with it though.  You're made of strong stuff and you will come through it whatever happens.  Just take one step at a time.  Deal with each hurdle and don't look any further ahead than that.  Tomorrow is just the first step.  Cross that bridge first and don't forget you can always pull out (unlike BMS) if you change your mind.  You only pay the full whack when you get to the baseline scan (two weeks after down regging) so you have at least another three or four weeks to change your mind.  Once you have had your appointment tomorrow you may feel differently anyway.  I really hope DH doesn't upset you tomorrow, but expect nothing then you will never be disappointed.

I will text you tomorrow to see how you get on.  I'm about tomorrow after school too if you need to talk cos I'm  picking Matthew up from school tomorrow. 

FFH - Good to hear from you mate!  I know how you feel about wanting the fertiles to suffer just a little so that they understand!  

Suzy - Pick my brains any time for what they are worth mate!!! Send me a PM if you don't want to share details online.  Hope the down regging is going well.  When will transfer be?

Cinders - I love you.  Thank you.  YOu know what I'm talking about.

Everyone else.... love and hugs

Pand


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## SUSZY

HI Girls
Yes its gone quiet on here but think with the kids starting school/nursery etc there is loads to catch up in the house and people probably think they have to write huge bit personal posts but they dont and i am not going to tonight but am going to send you all            .
I am back on pc which is rather nice and quicker and less risk of losing the message.
Af started over the weekend so the scan this thursday should be fine as in my lining will be thin, then I start taking oestrogen tablets to thicken it up which they will be checking next Friday and then hopefully the frosties will thaw and they will be put back in on 2nd Oct so am really looking forward to that.  Jo Good luck for tomorrow will be thinking about you.  I know IVF seems daunting and it is yet when you get started it seems normal and its a fantastic feeling to be doing something concrete and once you get started its great to have the scans sorted and ET planned etc.  I think its been slightly different for me as I have never had really bad downregging side effects and the hardest part of it the stimming and EC I have not had to go through and of course the whole how many eggs/how many have fertilised and the grades is all very stressful and nail biting and I have not got any of that this time other than hoping the two frosties thaw and then implant and that I dont miscarry.  There are still so many variables but I am glad to be back on the roller coaster and just want to get on with it and know one way or another and yet at the same time I don't if that makes sense.  My weekend away was good but not as good as last time, it as sad as the lad that came last time passed away last Thursday so we really missed him and the person who I had a lot of fun with was not there although there were a couple of lovely girls who I got on with I got a bit disillusioned about other parts of the weekend but still had fun.  I seem to have been rushing about since back and did a feng shui course on Monday afternoon which I really enjoyed and am going to do a life coach evening class on Wed night, I also wanted to do cosmic ordering but cant do it all although found out its the same tutor and has a lot to do with space clearing and sorting clutter.  She claims feng shui can do so much and can help with money and babies so am really looking forward to the rest of it - its just a few things she has said I think my house might have bad feng shui already.  Wish i could afford a consultation but know it will cost 100s and we are reallyshort of cash at the mo.
The funeral of the dad from school the fellow mediators was today and it was so incredibly sad and tear jerking seeing his wife and kids by the coffin.  I am determined what ever the outcome to make the most of my life and focus on the positives.
Thanks girls for being there and listening and I wish you all lots of love and luck.
love
susie


----------



## dustyrose

Hello FF,

Suszy, thank you for your words and positivity. I love reading your posts. Your such a upbeat person, I enjoy hearing about your travels and can see that you surround yourself with people that make you happy. Your experiences always seem to bring positive energy to your life and I like that you commit your time to growing more spiritually/mentally... and Thank you for making us quiet ones feel a little less guilty for not having time/energy for personals. I read everyone's posts & want to respond but haven't had a good chunk of time to sit in one place and reflect on words beyond complaining how tired I am. 

Jo, I really understand the complexity and range of emotions you are feeling right now. I am only a few weeks ahead of you on this whole IVF rollercoaster.  I think in part you could be grieving that a natural pregnancy is just not happening and may not happen and that is a big pill to swallow when truly faced with it. (of course never say never). I said those exact words, how did I end up here? IS this really happening? It hits you when you embark on `IVF. If I can offer more positive words, it wasn't long before all that confusion and grief started to subside and then I got a bit excited and eager. I think the girls are right when they say you may start to feel better because you feel like you are doing something rather than just wishing and hoping and all that darn sh*gging!!!!
I also empathise with the DH bit. We've had our struggles and often in the back of my mind I wonder if this is the real reason we aren't making babies? I know, that is silly because people have one night stands and get pregnant but hey... I refused to start IVF without him putting in the effort to at least learn what its all about and I know he is trying but well, I'll say no more. But Jo, I totally understand. 

Pand, I know you've just made it through a really difficult time and Its great to hear you have so many friends that love and understand you. Im quite envious over the fact that some of you gals live so close. 

FFh, as pand said, its great to hear from you. Can't tell you how many times I felt guilty when I have wished a period of infertility on my friends who are quite ignorant about the whole thing--

Friendship is something I am praying for because I am feeling a little of a social outcast lately. Ever since I told friends my feelings on our infertility and starting IVF, I have felt distance/pity/patronism with them. I guess its true you find out who your real friends are but again, another hard pill to swallow. I don't regret telling them and I don't regret the distance because at this point in my life I want to surround myself with people that matter. So a bit of change but one that was needed I think. 

Clare, Foxy, Emma, Bubs, Missy, Rose, Jane, LL, Lainey, Cinders--hope you are all happy and healthy. xxxx

I seem to be in a good place at the moment and maybe that is partly why I have nothing major to report. Actually, I've been so darn busy that I don't know what place Im in at the moment. Sniffing should start end of October or end of November depends on how tired I am after finishing work at half term. DD is in nursery, sport, swimming and drama so I am running from one bus to the next taking her up and down SW19. Joined the PTA, helping nursery on mondays, working wed & thurs & teaching sunday school so its full-on at the moment. Not to mention when I was depressed and emotional over the fact that we were moving onto IVF, I decided to put all that energy into dd's birthday. SO I invited 26 children and ordered a Dora the Explorer mascot costume for me to dress up in and entertain them all--talk about ****** crazyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!So next weekend that is what I will be doing while you all are meeting up and having a great time. Please have a glass of bubbly on my behalf--I'll probabily be bathing in the stuff at the end of this party. Oh lord. I know, Im my own worst enemy. And Im pretty sure keeping DD and myself so busy is compensation and deflection from the reality of what's really happening in our life and my feelings of inadequacy-but its too late to get into all that. Seven deadly sins of parenting your only child is becoming my bible and making me see things in a different light! Must read it girls !!!

Well, Im off to bed. Just listening to Carla Bruni sing on Later with Jools and she isn't that bad!

Sweet and lovely dreams to all xxxx 

Anyway, really and truly none of you are far from my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## ramblingrose

Just a quick hello ladies as I've not been on for a few days. No reason other than being very busy - I'm in the middle of painting our bedroom; been a bit of a mammoth job!

Jo, I am sending you a hug because it sounds like you need one. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Just think of what the outcome could be and that will make it all worth it. I've got it all to come! Scary but try and think positive.

Feeling a bit odd myself, like I'm in denial. Trying to enjoy my lovely DS as well, he is growing up too fast   He's 8 in 2 weeks time - where has the time gone? I can't believe it's 8 years since I was pregnant - seems a very very long time ago. Friends that had babies when we started trying are now sending them off to nursery/school  

Thinking of you tomorrow Jo, let us know how you get on. Love to everyone else. I know I don't really know anyone very well yet but hope to get to know you all better.

Vicki  x


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## emsylou

hi evry one, sorry i havnt been around that much, i have been trying to get into a routine with evrything.
dd started nursery last thursday and she absolutley loves it, its nice because most of the other children there cry when they are left but dd cant wait to get in there i have to call her back to say bye to her   she wakes up evry morning and says is it time for nursery yet? So she is obviously enjoying it, and when i pick her up its nice when she tells me about all of the things she has done.
I have also brought a new car i got it on saturday its lovely, its mad because befoe i went to get it i told dh that i was supposed to own that car!!  
Anyways i have my appt tomorrow, am not looking foreward to it now, have so much i want to ask, Well at least its only me with the problems now and dh is ok, so atleast this time we should be able to move forward a bit.
sorry i havnt got much time to do personals but will be back on later to catch up xxx


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hi all,

Have just read through all recent messages and you are all such a lovely supportive bunch of people!  Personals are lovely sometimes of course but to take pressure off people who feel guilty about them sometimes (including me!) I find it really helpful just to read through what people can say about their own feelings and identifying with them really helps balance myself. Hope others feel that too. 

Suzsy you are doing so well with your positivity and I wish you so much luck for your tx.  

Emma - so glad your dd is settling in well to nursery, it really helps doesn't it and is a good sign as you say that all is well. 

Those who have appointments too, very best of luck.

Ramblingrose, yes it does feel like time zooms sometimes, doesn't it and I too am so aware of trying to enjoy my gorgeous dd. 

Does anyone know anyting about having tubes flushed? I had a lap and dye and had one tube diagnosed as not patent a couple of years ago which is also hampering our chances, as well as low count and motility for dh.  I have a very high amh which I hope is encouraging. All swings and roundabouts   

My dh and I have had a pretty awful few days which is upsetting because we are normally very close and together about things. I have started to think about the possibility of adoption and he seems totally adament it's not for him    I'm so tearful at the moment because I had thought it might be another option open to us but he says it's too complicated emotionally and otherwise. I'm also not sleeping well which is really unlike me. I tried to talk about it a few times which wasn't very productive so I thought I'd give him time to think about it, but last night he said that wasn't it obvious how he feels about it from his silence?  No! 

He thinks that this is a sign that I'm obviously not as contented with our life as he is, but he has gone through so many work ups and downs over the past few years some which have really upset him and sometimes I've wondered why it all matters so much when he has us, but I know really it doesn't mean he doesn't cherish us.  I said this is in some ways similar to that for me, we all have things we want, motivation, instincts, feelings, it's the same.  It's not meant to be selfish or unappreciative it just is honest feeling. I'm trying to make sure I'm true to myself so I stay happy and don't become a miserable old bag   Also my dd will be 16 when I'm only 41. That fills me with horror, everything is going so quickly and I just don't feel ready for it. 

Maybe another icsi could be the answer but financially not for a while. This surprised my dh because I'd said I wasn't sure I wanted to do it again, but that's only when I thought I'd found another solution. If he won't do that, I really would like to do icsi again if we need it. Is that unreasonable?  We were equally keen to do it the first time round. 

Oh dear, so miserable, I'm sorry!  Lots of love all and saying prayers for some wonderful news and miracles soon. They do happen. 

Clare xx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
Lovely to see a few people back and think like we thought its just a busy time and do think sometimes we need to fill our time to forget and its not such a bad thing.

Have just posted on the meeting up thread, we really need to sort it, I think Sunday it is we just need to decide where in the Bham/worcester area close to the motorway but nice with a play area so get your thinking caps on.  Perhaps at 12/30 ish.

dusty - thanks for your lovely words, sometimes I dont feel upbeat but I think when I am in the middle of tx I need to be.  I am looking forward to the scan tomorrow and to spending some time with Ang.
DDs party sounds amazing and wish I could come and have some bubbly, its  a shame you are so far as it would have been lovely to meet you - we are all so alike and I wish we lived closer.  I have been through the friendship issues and you do feel isolated although now some of them do understand how painful its been and I feel like I have been through the worst times.  I also think my first two m/c would have been at school now and that I have actually built myself up a nice little life with more people in the same boat.  ok one of the girls I have been having lunch with every other week is now preg and that might be hard if this does not work and I saw the new born today who was due the same time but I felt ok.  I actually told the two mums today (am quite close to them but drifted a bit since they have both had their thirds) about the whole donor thing and they were really sweet and understanding.  You do sound really busy and it sounds a lot of fun but becareful you dont over do it.  I have found that I dont cope with stress too much so try not to over book too much.
pickle - so sorry things are strained between dh and you, its such a huge step whether it be ivf/egg donor/adoption and I know dh and myself had a bad few months discussing it but he soon came around to my way of thinking, perhaps you could get him to do a bit of reasearch or just emerse yourself on here increasing your knowledge and then try again in a few weeks.  Its so very hard. I think perhaps doing another icsi would be a good idea and if that does not work say about adoption, I know its more money.    Hope you feel better soon.

jobo hope appt went well and let us know how you got on.

Emma hope your appt goes well, the car sounds lovely and like it was meant to be! So glad dd loves nursery makes it so much easier doesn;t it??

Pand hope you are feeling a bit brighter and better - its a long old process. Thanks re school will send you a pm soon although dont mind putting it on here too. He has actually moved up one table and one teacher said he was good at arithmatic and the lady said he was beginning to shine so am happy with that.  I have also just found a tutor who worked at the school and knows him and said yes he is quiet and she only has one child (not sure why) and agreed they are more relaxed with adults so am hoping that this will work. Managed to stop myself slagging the school off to much but am feeling better about it in general. sorry about problems with clinic

rambling rose - you are good painting the  bedroom, know what you mean about them all growing up so fast and 8 in two weeks - whre does the time go.  Kids love their birthdays though so you will have a good time.  I understand what you mean about it being so long since you were (fully) preg feel the same

cinders - hope you are doing ok and bloooming

lainey - hope you are ol

missby hope you are doing well honey.

bubbs how are you sweetheart?

wendeth hope you are doing good too?

foxy hope you are doing ok honey.

ffh are you coming next Sunday or giving it a miss?

emily caitlin - how are you doing honey?

love to everyone

Just wanted to say have started up my diary again.
Am excited about tomorrow.
I am feeling fairly positve.
Thanks for being there girls.

will keep posted.

Susie


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## jobo5572

Hello ladies

Firstly a big thank you to Pand, Faithfullyhoping, Suszy, dustyrose and ramblingrose for your lovely messages of support, and to Lainey for your supportive texts  .  I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday and am now glad that I have got today out of the way.  

The lady who took us through the whole process today was very nice, if not a little too enthusiatic and optimistic about the whole thing, especially when talking about the fact that quite often the first IVF tx is a bit of a gamble  .  Some bloomin' expensive gamble !!.  I kept asking her loads of questions (after my wonderful friend Pand had already run through the whole process with me over the weekend - thanks again hun  ).  Anyway, all being well (and providing I don't chicken out) I start DR'ing on 29 September   and she reckons that (all being well) EC will be around 5 November.  Am a bit blown away by the whole thing to be honest.  Still in some state of denial that this is even happening to me, and am absolutely sh1tting myself.  I am trying my hardest not to get my hopes up too much and be more realistic that chances are it won't happen, but I am taking my ff's advice that I should just take one step at a time.  Much as I am a bit reluctant to get on the IVF rollercoaster, I know deep down that if I don't at least give it a try I will regret it.  I have waited for ages to get this far so I must carry on with the journey.  So I'm now nervous, excited, anxious, scared, confused, petrified and still gutted that it has come to this.  But, 12 days to go and counting.........

Thanks again to Pand for the supportive cups of tea this afternoon.  I hope I was a useful TA !

Slightly dreading tomorrow....it seemed like a good idea at the time...I'm looking after a friends 4 month old baby and 2.5 year old all day long and also picking up her 4 year old from school, as my friend has her hand all bandaged up after losing the tip of her index finger whilst out walking the dog with a retractable lead  .  I think it'll be hard to look after the baby as I am so desperate for one of my own, yet I suspect that part of me will be relieved that I only have DS as her 3 will be screaming at each other (as they usually do !) and running me ragged by the end of the day !

Suszy - good luck for your scan tomorrow hun  

Will catch up with other personals soon - got to go and do some work as I haven't got much done today - naughty Jo !

Thanks again to my ff's for all your support - i couldn't do this without you


----------



## SUSZY

jobo - sounds like it went really well and that you were well prepared - I so wish I lived near you lot.  How exciting d/r is so near and you can ask me any questions you want sweetheart, we are so close and we are here for you the whole way.  
You wil be fine and you will take it in your stride.
Not quite sure how you managed to get yourself in such a situ looking after so many children tomorrow and think you will need a huge glass of wine although you might not be drinking to wind down after - hope it goes well.

cinders would love to hear from you.

lainey sweetheart do hope you are ok

please can you all look at the meeting up one.

love
susie


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## ramblingrose

Ah glad to know you got through your appt ok Jo. Your emotions mirror mine completely - I am terrified as well (have to get the lap out of the way first - very scared about that and having a GA as not had one before).

29th September is my DS' birthday so I will remember that date!

To help you with the positivity, two friends of mine have both conceived with their first full go of IVF; one now has a lovely baby boy and the other is just pregnant but I am thrilled for her (it's her first). So enough about the 'gamble' stuff - of course it is, but so is TTC naturally every month and at least this way you can track your progress step by step (remind me to tell myself this when it's my turn)! Good luck looking after all those kiddies!

You have put me off retractable leads for life as well!  

I'm a bit nervous as I received a call about my prospective new job today (bit of a delay with the references apparently - curently employers....grrrrrr!) but it's made me think about how much I'm going to put myself through and is it the right time, etc. Not sure how understanding a new employer is going to be with all of this either. 

Pickle sorry to hear you and your DH have had a bad few days. I think this is something which is bound to happen as they really don't feel as we do, that natural longing and wanting to get on with it!  I hope things pick up for you; we human beings are complicated creatures at times.

Love to everyone else, Pand, Suszy, and everyone. 

xxx


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## emsylou

hi ladies, well... i went for my appt today i have to have a hsg the one with the die through my tubes thingy. Well my af is due next week and i have to ring them to see if they have a slot for me. Am pooping me pants because i havnt a clue how its done or anything, i asked loads of questions to the dr but i couldnt realy understand him properly, i had to see some one diffrent to my cons today because they were realy buisy. Well he done some swabs and then said that i also have to have some bloods taken on day 3 of my cycle. Then we will take it from there, so still not got much closer, never mind may be im just being impatient again lol.

take care evryone xxxx


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## SUSZY

Hi Girls
Well my scan went fine, my lining is thin so I started the oestrogen tables 6 a day, continue to inject and then back next Friday to check lining is thick and then the Wed after hopefully the frosties will thaw and we will have ET on the Thursday!  All very exciting.
I have spent the afternoon with Ang and am typing this from her sofa now, its lovely to see her again and to spend time with her and her kids.  I am so lucky to have her as a friend and for the wonderful gift she has given us which allows us this period of hope.

I hope you are all well, I seem to have posted a lot lately so am keeping this short.

Emma - dont worry too much about the hsg I really worried and it was not as bad as I thought, I am not saying it was pleasant but it gets you used to all the prodding!  You will be fine.

rambling rose -thanks for the positive stories its nice to hear about them.

Look after yourselves and sending lots of love and healing to you all     

love 

susie


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Thanks again for all your words of support and encouragement.  Now 11 days and counting.....eek.

Today was a bit tough in all honesty, but I have to say I am actually glad that I do not have 3 children under the age of 4 !  Nightmare !  It was so lovely to hold and look after the baby all day, but it also made me feel quite sad that I'd probably never be doing that again with a baby of my own  .  She still has that lovely baby smell about her (and I don't mean the nappies !) and she was snuggling up all nice and cosy when I was feeding her the bottle.  The day wasn't too bad until the 4 year old came back from school and then world war 3 broke out.  Oh dear oh dear oh dear.  Made me realise again what an angel I had at home !

Suszy - glad all is going well and you had a lovely afternoon with Ang.  I have been reading your diary and you 2 have a wonderful relationship which I'm sure will last for a long long time.  Thank you so much for your supportive messages  

ramblingrose - thanks for your supportive messages too  .  Don't worry about having a GA - it can be a weird feeling as you're going off to sleep and you may say some strange things as you're coming round, but other than that they're not too bad.  I know what you mean about it being hard to see that others who got pg within the time you've been trying are sending their children off to nursery etc. It has happened with so many of my friends and it is hard but then when I see how fraught they are with their multi-child family it sometimes makes me wonder.....

Talitha - sorry you've had a couple of awful days with DH.  I think SIF certainly tests relationships.  I'm sorry he's not on the same wavelength as you when it comes to adoption, but don't give up hope just yet.  Is there room for some sort of compromise....such as you get your way and he doesn't  ?!  I hope you can both come to some sort of agreement on the way ahead  

Dustyrose - I know what you mean about the struggle with DH and thinking that is the reason why it isn't happening.  I also find that BMS is so false, and quite frankly I just can't be bothered at any other time of the month - if he can't be bothered to make the effort then why should I ?  I sometimes wonder when I'm screaming and shouting at my ignorant pig of a DH whether someone is looking down and preventing me from having another....or if psychologically my body just isn't letting me get pg.  Sorry you've been feeling like a social outcast since you let your feelings be known amongst your friends - I think it has happened to us all hun, but you certainly end up finding out who your true friends are.  And we are all your friends on here and understand you 

MissyB - you ok hun ?  You've gone quiet again.

Cinders - please let us know how you are getting on  .

Pand - hope DH says his piece tomorrow  

Lainey - thanks for your lovely text today  

Bubbs - are you ok ?

Emma - don't worry about the HSG - it doesn't hurt; it may just be a little uncomfortable.

Thank crunchie it's friday tomorrow !

Lots of love

Jo


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## Talitha (aka Pickle)

Hello all,

Jo - you made me smile so much with your suggestion 'such as you get your way and he doesn't!'    Seriously, I respect his views totally, if only he would explain them to me though. I don't understand what he's thinking and since I feel so deeply it's really important that I do.  Sorry yesterday was a toughie for you. I ca totally understand...

I can't believe that yesterday was, what seems like yet again, another person I know getting pregnant and she says she 'still hasn't got over the shock' (she has two already).  To add to my neighbour getting pregnant 'when she shouldn't have' and her dates matching exactly what mine would have been had I got pregnant with our icsi this June, and then my manager who said today 'did you get pregnancy brain too, well a long time ago?'   

Am starting to think about possible icsi again next year (if necessary  ) but so far away from it financially and I had said to dh that I didn't feel I wanted to do it again, because I thought adoption might be an option but as he is not open to that idea we do need to go back to it. Though first of course we need to talk!  

You are all wonderful, thanks so much for being there. 

Clare xx


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## SUSZY

just wanted to send you all a big                    

We have got to get some good luck on this thread soon and keep it.
I counted up about 9 bfps on the donor thread and on Ang's berry thread there have been births and bfps (and of course the dreaded m/c) its our turn to hve some good luck.

I think because I am cycling I feel like posting on here more and feel quite positve and think that I need to make the most of this time and feeling as I will never be here again as in doing the ivf and the feeling of hope, it could all go horribly wrong or could work and then the worry will really start so I am sort of in ignorant bliss if that makes sense.  I seem to be getting on with everyone better and not feeling such a social outcast but think its because I have been there done that part if that makes sense.  Today I was invited to lunch with two people from one of my nct evening classes who I have drifted from, when I got there both dhs were there because they had lost their jobs one recently and the other a few months ago and there was not much talk of kids which was good.  On the way I decided to pop in and see a couple of friends at an nct coffee morning - I walked in the door put my head through the hatch and could actually see hardly anyone I knew just a load of bumps, I put the kettle on then thought hang on a minute its a beaut day outside and there is a lovely cafe down the road so I switched the kettle off and wandered back out with hardly any one seeing me.  I then spent a lovely 40 mins in the sun reading the paper drinking my hot choc and had a fab time.  I then drove to lunch and thought this is not such a bad life after all.  I was also glad talking to these couples that dh is as strict as he is with money and that we dont get company cars and phones and that the cars we have and in fact most things are ours.  Other than the five k someone put on our card which is annoying I am actually feeling ok.  Is this possible?  Is this the progynova and the burselin, I found this happened last time I just dont like the bump after.
sorry I am rabbiting and not offering support to you all but I am here for you all.
have a good weekend.
love
susie


----------



## jobo5572

Talitha - have you explained to your DH why you feel so strongly about adoption, and if so, has he listened ?  Also, have you asked him to explain his feelings towards it so that you can understand more why he's so dead against it ? I hope he's not being a typical male and refusing to open up properly.  It's such a shame that you both seem at opposite ends of the spectrum with this one and I hope that he is taking you and your feelings into account much as you're doing for him.  Sorry about the recent pg announcements - it's a shame that people don't understand SIF more and could be more sensitive in the way they announce pg's and in things that they say.  I guess they'll never understand but it would be nice to think that they tried to.  Hope you're OK  .

Suszy - it is so lovely to hear that you are so happy and upbeat.  We all know that you are supportive of us all, but we also need to know that you are OK too !  Your tale about popping in to the NCT coffee morning, putting the kettle on then taking it off again and walking out made me chuckle.  Good for you !  Glad you had a nice time reading your paper in the sun.  Have some     from me and a .

Pand -     to you know who.  Love you lots  

I've been ordered to use the pc early tonight as sperm donor (aka my DH) is on earlies tomorrow so wants an early night, and the pc is in the room he sleeps/snores/farts in all night long - couldn't be doing with that in my bed, oooooh no !  I am off out swimming in a bit in a desperate attempt to shift some lard - like swimming for an hour will do that !  Hope they don't have harpoons at the poolside  

Jo


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## ramblingrose

LOL Jo are you married to my DH?!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Hope everyone is ok. Just a short and sweet one from me today. 

Glad you are feeling positive Susie - here's hoping there be some nice news on this forum soon. Hope everyone else is ok.

xxx


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## dustyrose

Hey there, 

Off to bed as spent the night trying to export photos onto ********. happy weekend to you all! xx


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## SUSZY

hi
Yes I am back again.
Thanks for the support girls.
jobo you are doing so well with ww and exercise so keep up the good work!
dustyrose - pm your name and I can track you down on ********

dh has bought a big tent/garage thing for the campervan so he seems pleased with himself.
Still a bit miffed people spent 5.5k on our cards although we get it back its the cheek of it.

its been such a lovely day today and have been out in the sun, have also sorted wardobe a bit and thinking about clearing some clutter, feeling very positive about my two courses.  Just wish I could decide re the gym.

Also looking forward to seeing everyone again on the meet up next Sunday hope lots of you can make it esp you cinders!
lainey thanks for the texts its very good of you.
pand - ds had his lesson this am and I was very pleased, she said it was about confidence and self esteem and she is teaching year 2 on tuesday so that will be fun for him.  Ds says he wants to keep it a secret too, I felt a bit mean doing in on a Sat am but I think he will really benefit and that can be his work for the weekend.  Its adding a bit to the family budget what with smart station but think it will be so worth it.
love to everyone
susie


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## Jane D

Jobo -lovely description of dh's room.  I was laffing so much.
Suzy - you are so strong putting that kettle down and walking out.  Good for you.
Nice to see lovely long posts going on.  DD had kids party today.  It went well and I am coping ok.  Noone talked about their younger kids which was great.  We were all focusing on our kids starting school nursery.  I find at the mo having to work 4 days a week is making me more wound up than the SIF. I was upset the other day as they wanted mums to accompany them on a theatre trip and as I work, I wasn't there to put my hand up straight away and I felt marginalised as a worker. Just hope they are all so keen when it comes to fundraising for the PTA.  Will be easier next year with breakfast club and after school, as it means if DEIVF fails, less chance of seeing bumps and infants later at night.

Some good tv on at the moment.  Mad fonejacker back on E4 and i saw a delightful programme with Ann widdecombe the other night.  Ann W on girl gangs, not quite the same as Ross Kemp on gangs. 

Nice to see some chatty messages.  Another link I am on has had bfns and it is affecting me.  Only 2 out of 7 got bfps which has shook me up as they have a 50% success rate. I am so scared about deivf not working.  

have a nice meet up those who are going.

Love to you all

Jane

xx


----------



## Pand

Hi girls,

Just a quickie this morning.  

Jobo - What can I say but thank you.  You are a complete star.

Cinders - Thank you too.  Wee hasn't turned green yet but I will keep you posted.  Lovely texts the other night.  Please come next weekend.

Suzy - I'm really pleased the extra support is helping with DS.  Confidence and self-esteem has such a huge impact on children's learning and is often under estimated.  Well done you.  I'm always here if you want to ask anything.  Glad everything is tripping along with tx.  Am so impressed with how positive you are.  I have everything crossed for you.

Lainey - Thank you for your texts hun.  When do you think you might start?

Missyb - How's the acne?  Mine is still awful!!!  Fingers crossed for this cycle.

Hi to everyone else too.  Sorry, I have to go out soon for DS rugby training so haven't got time to do personals for everyone, but I don't want anyone thinking I don't care!!!  

Now for the me bit....

I've had a horrendous week.  Why is it that for some reason, my life just won't improve.  I keep picking myself up, dusting myself off only for the next thing to kick me in the shins.  Clomid was very painful this month and I'm really tired.  Had a parent in on Tuesday having a go at me (one I normally get on well with) and then on thursday had one I've not met before storm into our school screaming and shouting at me and I thought she was going to hit me.  You know the type, covered in tattoos, gold rings and spent most of her life in and out of the cells.  I wouldn't mind but it was all a big misunderstanding!!!!  I won't bore you with the details, but I ended up in floods of tears at work on Thursday and wondering why I put so much into my job.

Then on Friday, DH went for lunch with MIL and FIL.  He was very calm and told them we had been really upset that no one had phoned texted or even asked how we were on the anniversary of our mc.  Then at nine o'clock on Friday evening FIL came round and told DH that his mother was "in bits!"  That they felt DH had only arranged to see them to ask for the money for IVF and to "have a go" at them!  He said that MIL was not well and overworked and was at home totally destroyed.  DH was really calm again, bless him, he is so good at these things (unlike me), and explained that we hadn't meant to cause any upset, but that we felt that what happened with Tom Tom didn't count.  At that point FIL said that whilst we had lost a baby, as had our SIL and BIL, that what SIL and BIL had been through was much harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^swear

So we ended up feeling like we had to apologise to them!!  I can't believe it.  For the last three years, every year, on 31st October, which is when BIL and SIL lost their baby, we go to the grave, lay flowers and release a balloon with DS.  Every flipping Christmas we take a little present down to the grave and flowers.  We haven't missed it once.  But when it comes to our date, no one even bothers to text or phone.  I know what they had to go through was far worse than my miscarriage at 10 weeks, but they don't suffer from IF.  They didn't lose their last hope of having any more children.  We did.  No one seems to give a damn and I'm so flipping upset and angry that our loss doesn't count.  I don't want a massive fuss, just acknowledgement of our loss too.  

Sorry, I'm just so fed up with my lot in life.  Now FIL and MIL are making us feel bad when I don't think we did anything wrong.  I think we were perfectly entitled to question why no one acknowledged the date we lost our baby.  So why is now all about them?  Why are we the bad guys?  I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of them.  I'm sick of my life.  I just want a bit of happiness.  Is that so  much to ask?

Sorry for the whingey post.  I'm just feeling really down.

Lots of love
Pand


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies

ramblingrose - I hope for your sake that my DH is not your DH ! I wouldn't wish that on anyone 

dustyrose - hope you enjoyed your evening on ******** - I'm still trying to work it all out ! You can pm me your name too if you like and I can find you.

Jane D - I know what you mean about missing out on nursery/school stuff due to working. It's even worse when you don't enjoy your job (well I don't anyway). Can you make the meet up on Sunday ?

Suszy - Glad you're enjoying the sun. It's been a lovely day here today. Sorry to hear about the 5.5K on your credit card - I hope you get that sorted out. Thanks for your PM and glad I found you on ******** !

Lainey - good to see you on ******** too !

Pand, oh Pand - what a ruddy nightmare week hun. You need to sort out those chavs at school . Working in such a dodgy area I'd have thought there'd have been more protection for you in the school from the chavvy parents and their threatening behaviour. You just don't need that. I know you put your heart and soul into your job and it's utter cr*p that you get treated like this and that the other staff don't thank you for all your efforts. That sucks.
As for MIL and FIL - well you know my feelings on them from my texts/our phonecall and speaking face to face. They (well mainly MIL I suppose) are totally and utterly bang out of order . How dare MIL turn it all around to be about her and how awful her life is and how stressed she is at work etc. etc. Absolutely NOTHING excuses the fact that not one single member of your or DH's family acknowledged the anniversary of your mc of Tom Tom. For goodness sake, it would've only taken a phonecall/text/card - it isn't much to ask. I'm glad DH was calm enough to have gone back to them to explain your feelings - you couldn't have left it as it was on Friday night. And you know I am sick of everyone going on about "poor" BIL and SIL - yes their mc with Edwards was a dreadful time for them, but that does not lessen your heartache or loss of Tom Tom. And in any case the 2 shouldn't be compared. What you do to remember BIL and SIL's Bambi is so lovely, and I cannot believe they cannot even acknowledge yours. As MIL said, they are "worried" at the moment with their current pg - again, that does not excuse them ignoring you and DH re Tom Tom. Your loss _does _ count hun. We all know that. And we all care about you and love you to bits .
Today has been lovely, watching the boys playing rugby and wandering round town. It's a ruddy shame I didn't win the lottery last night though, eh ? I hope you have a better week this week hun. Always here for you 

Hope everyone else is OK.

Jo


----------



## ramblingrose

Oh Pand, I really feel for you with the insensitive inlaws. How your DH  kept calm I don't know (mind you, if he's anything like mine he won't 'confront' his mum and dad about anything)

Maybe now that something has been said to them they will digest it and realise you had a point; I hope so. I do sympathise though; I have inlaws who think they treat us all the same but in fact don't. And don't even get me started on my own mum......that's one for when I have a lot if time and energy to rant!

Hope everyone else is ok. I feel a bit flat still, but just trying to get on, organising DS' birthday etc. I do feel a little bit forgotten by my friends and family though.  I really don't think anyone else 'gets' how I feel. I'm the only one in the family to have fertility problems, and to have only one child, and that on top of my own health and being away from my family and friends I feel quite down at times like life isn't fair. But trying to remember the good bits when I can. My appointment with the consultant is getting nearer I'm halfway between panic and denial!!!  

Love to everyone. Here's to a better week for us all.

xxx


----------



## Pand

Jo - I can't thank you enough for all your support.  You have been a rock you really have.  You make me laugh and you have a wicked sense of humour.  I just hope that your life gets back on track too and that you can feel some happiness.  You deserve it.  You're a lovely person.

Ramblingrose - Thank you so much for your support.  You start to doubt yourself sometimes.  I've tried really hard to think about things from everyone else's points of view, but I just can't understand why they are treating us like this.  It helps to know its not just me over reacting to things.  As for your own mum, we could have a very long conversation... well in fact, you, me and Jobo could have a very long and interesting conversation!!!!  Sometimes I just feel like running away and living on a desert island!  If either Jo or I win the lottery we are going to buy an island and only SIFFers can live on it!! (Cinders you would have special visiting rights like a Gold Membership!).  Fingers crossed for Friday then.

Lainey - Thank you for your lovely text.  Looking forward to seeing you next Sunday.  

Love Pand


----------



## ramblingrose

LOL I like the sound of that island Pand!!!!!!

As for the mums issue......................hmmm, I feel a new thread coming on........ 

Keep your chin up.

xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Oh yes !!!!  Like Pand says, we could have a VERY long conversation on that subject .  Mine drives me to despair  .

Hope everyone has a good week.  We could really do with something good happening to someone on here.....come on Suszy !!! 

Love to all

Jo


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Just back from dominican republic. Nice trip but tiring. Thank god I am part time. Hate been away at moment. Hope your all ok
and had a good weekend x


----------



## missyb

hello lovelies!!! it has been such a long time since ive been on here that i dont know how to catch up and try and slot back in. just wanted to say to the goldern girls... could you please text me as my phone went for a bath and i havent got half of the numbers on there that i did!!!!


lots of            

to all.



amanda xx


ps pand... im looking truly teenage... i have also seen a vid of myself and have realised that i have body dysmorphia... i am a size 10 in my head but the reality is very different!!!!


----------



## emsylou

hello evryone... af was due yesterday and im feeling like pants, dh keeps telling me to do a test because he has got a realy good feeling i dont know why he has though because i have had no symptoms or anything but i havnt and i dont want to do one because i am scared of seeing a bfn, i am cramping like crazy and i know its going to happen but i just hate waiting, and its making things worse that dh is keeping on at me, he keeps telling me that this is the month, oh if only he could feel the cramps that i am feeling he would soon change his mind   also my af's are all over the place so im always irregular anyway. 
I have decided im going to invent some glasses that block out all of the bumps, because they seem to be evrywhere that i look!! When i was on my way to the hospital for my appt i saw loads of them and felt a huge lump in my throat, never mind though.
Hope all you wonderladies are all ok? xxx


----------



## Jane D

Hello

Emma - know what you mean about bumps everywhere.  I am helping out at an NCT sale next week, as I am selling more clothes, it is a ransom situation whereby, almost, if sellers dont help, they don't operate the sale!! highly aware of lots of bumps will be about but i think I will just busy myself tidying the clothes rails all morning, head down!!  I need the money too!  i know how you feel about testing.  I got fed up of it and on my two iuis, I never bothered.

I have cheered up a bit since last time.  Emailed Spain clinic to ask about stats for DEIVF and they said it had gone up from 50% to 57% success.  

Just bought new car sears for dd as she has outgrown harness seat.  Gonna hang onto the old ones as one is isofix and worth £240 new.  Hopefully my SIL will need them some time soon.  She has endo and is coming off the pill to test her fertility.  So hope it does not flare up.  I so want her to have a baby as dd has no cousins.

PS  noticed Jools Oliver is having a third baby and the press said not via IVF.  she is very lucky knowing her medical background. Pleased for her of course, knowing her difficulties but it is tiresome all the baby stories in the press.

Thanks Jobo for the invite, but I am afraid i wont be able to join you all.  I dont exactly hate my job, I just wish I could do 3 days instead of four.


Hello to everyone

Love

Jane


----------



## cinders35

Hello all my lovelies!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. I read often, (sometimes every day!) but then I wonder what I can offer in the way of support, as I feel it sounds so empty now coming from me, as I appear to have an end insight to my own particular nightmare! So I hope that you understand that it's not that I don't care, because I most definately do, it's just that I feel, I don't know, maybe a bit...awkward or something.   
I am so desperate for some company, and am SO hoping I will have some of you join me soon!    

Emma and Jane, I know you have just been chatting about how hard seeing bumps is, ( I completely agree, it used to send me loopy!) I am starting to show, and I wonder who is looking at me thinking "arghhhhhhh!!!" and I feel like getting all my tops printed with "SIF, TTC 4.5 YRS" so that it doesn't hurt anyone!! Good idea?  

HSG, while not exactly pleasant is ok Emma. Best of luck   My friend got pg 2 months after that, after 3yrs ttc no.2 so you never know, it might just do the trick!  

Jane, that is good sucess rate, 57% is certainly something to feel   about. Good luck for the NCT sale  .

Missyb, welcome home hun!!! How's it going? How are all those manky doo dahs?! Come and spill the beans, and spin some yarns for us! Whilst maintaining strict confidentiality ofcourse!  

Lyndalou, glad you had nice trip, long way I guess. Sorry to see you won't be making the meet up, but 9 hrs in a car would defo give you a numb  , you are right!  

Jobo, pleased appointment well. How are you feeling about starting the treatment now? Excited? Petrified? Does that pretty much sum it up? Well done on your babysiting duties, not sure I could have done that!

Pand, so lovely to see you on sunday. (dropped in on way past, for a wee and a cuppa! Maybe you should have a change of career, and open up as a new M5 service station? Instead of having to deal with those orrible parents, when you do such a fab job  ) You are very spesh person, and like everyone on here, you don't deserve this cr*p to be happening to you  . I'm sorry for the family issues. I think Jo is right, the two m/c should not be compared to each other. My counsellor put me right there! I felt so bad after mine, and on top of that I felt so bad for feeling so bad, because my m/c was 'only' an early one. She was right, in saying that what we lost, was the promise of that new life, and when it comes after a period of infertility, the pain is even more raw. They should have remembered Tom tom. They should. Maybe now they know how it important it is to you to mark that day, they will remember to.

Suszy, am watching with eagerness, your progress.   and hoping for your little frosties. Well done for feeling so fab, hats off to you  

Rambling rose, I too was PETRIFIED of GA, (and I am a nurse   ) but speaking from personal experience now, they are NOT AT ALL bad! I like to close my eyes as I drift off, I feel a little woozy as I drift, and then, next thing I know I am waking up from a deep slumber! I wake up nicely, but I like to keep my eyes shut. Making the most I guess! I only wish I could sleep that well on a regular basis! I haven't had any pain when I wake, but it came on gradually after lap and dye (endo treated quite a bit) if you start to feel sore, it is best to ask for some painkillers sooner rather than later, as is harder to sort, the more pain you have. But having said that, it never got really bad anyway. (Nothing like labour!!!!    )

Hi Claire, sorry dh feels like adoption is not an option for him. Throughout this journey, I have been very lucky in that dp and I have felt the same about most things/decisions. Though after m/c I felt like I could consider adoption, I think deep down I couldn't have.
It must be very difficult  . But I am glad you are getting the support you need on here.

Lainey, you not posting much hun either.   Miss you, and hope whenever you do the next cycle, well you know....    

I don't think anyone of us could write down a feeling/emotion that someone else on here has not/ does not feel. There is such strength to be gained from each other.

The support I have recieved from you guys is phenomenal. Truthfully, I don't know how that I will ever be able to truly thankyou. In my darkest days, it was you I turned to. It was here that I found the love, understanding and belonging that I so desperately needed. I couldn't find it anywhere else, family& friends didn't know how to deal with me, and often as not said the "wrong" thing and put their foot in it! You said all the right things, and even on the days I felt that there was no hope, made me feel like somehow I would get through. One way or another.

I never dreamt that I would end up being one of the lucky ones, it's always someone else isn't it? I am STILL in shock that I am pg. I spent so long not being pg, and unable to get pg, that it's still so hard to believe. When I tell people, I almost feel like I am lying, how can I possibly be saying those words? And out loud too? But then I have the scan pictures, and the varicose veins to prove to myself it is not a lie!  
When I got pg with the IVF I felt so ready to put it all behind me, and move on. But this time, I don't feel so able to believe it, and move on. Don't get me wrong, I am soooo excited. But half the time, I just can't believe it! It's almost like it's happening to someone else! (I'm hoping labour will feel like it is happening to someone else too   !)
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that though I am on the other side now, I haven't forgotten how dark damp and smelly it is at the bottom of the pit (of despair!) The smell is still in my nostrils, and I can't seem to get the dirt out from underneath my fingernails!!!  
But I'm here at the top of the pit, and I ain't leaving you all down there!!! Keep trying to get out my friends, I need some company at the top, someone to compare veins with!!! Grab onto my hand, please.....

I want this so badly for you all, truly.

I'm not posting much you guys, but I guess that is probably natural, as others who have got their bfp's, and now babies gradually drift. But please know, that I care deeply, and I am eternally grateful.

I will never forget.  

Love ya!

Cindersxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Cinders - what a truly lovely post. Please believe me when I say that you still belong here and that it's lovely chatting to somebody who has climbed out of that horrible pit. Funny thought about T-shirt printed with SIF - don't think most people would know what it means thought!!! I'm trying not to come on here too much myself at the mo in an effort to put IF to one side and get on with life. Not sure it's working though    

Anyway just wanted to let you know that your messages of encouragement really mean a lot. Maybe one day we'll all be able to talk from the other side!!!

Lots of love

Faithful x


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
The bloomin lap top has crashed on me twice so am back again.
Sorry Pand you are feeling so pants (excuse the pun)and hope you are feeling a bit better esp with the support of your ffers.
Hopefully things will improve soon for you.  Sorry about the parents giving you a hard time and also the whole in laws but sounds like you dh so calm and in control and supportive.

Cinders what a lovely post - made me cry of course but we do understand what you mean esp the lucky few of us that got a bfp - even if it ended so badly - we all felt the same and it is unbelievable after all we have been through but we are so glad it happened to you and we do know that you are there for us and that you do find it difficult.  I sent you a message the other day as just wanted to make sure you were ok and to see if you were posting.
it was nice that you saw pand and I do hope that you are going to make it this sunday.

I am not in the mood for a long post tonight so will just send you all my love and say I am looking forward to sunday.
I seem to have lost all my positivity- not sure where its gone or why, not sure if drugs or going to another nct event where I have been left out of yet another social event where everyone else seems to have been invited or that I just feel quite low and down and tired.  i am fed up of feeling like this, feeling like I am left out and isloated and that everyone else carries on having a good time and socialising whilst I am left out.  i think its because I was always in the middle of stuff, organising and arranging and being included that now when I go to a coffee morning and they are talking about something I suddenly realise yet again I have been left out as I only have one and dont go to all the events and that there is a huge age gap.  so whilst I sat in my garden alone on Sunday they were all having a good old knees up in someones garden drinking champagne.  Ok I did not know the person that well but then I dont think some of the others do but because they see each other weekly at all the events and I only pop along occassionally I am not included.  I still dont know where I belong, yes I have a good life, I have the gym soon to be given up and people I see for lunch but I feel far from sorted.  Sometimes I even feel I stayed away from FF too long and have not been here for some of you and that distance has built up there.  I just feel fed up and down and thats this week what it is going to be like this time next week when they are about to thaw those frosties. I know I have so much to be grateful for and that I should not let what other people do or say affect me but it does. I wish I was thicker skinned and less senstive and just generally more sorted.  I am just feeling so poor me at the moment and its so frustrating as I felt so good last week.
sorry for being so down its just how i feel at the moment.
sending you all love and luck
hopefully a few of us will be there on Sunday

love to you all

susie


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Suszy - you're going through a difficult time with treatment, everything feels like it's in limbo and inevitably it feels as though you don't belong anywhere. I think that feelings of isolation are increased during treatment because there are so few people who really understand what you're going through. Try to be kind to yourself, if you lived nearer we could go out for coffee and bemoan the world of the fertiles!  

If it's any consolation I'm not sure where I belong at the moment either, it seems to be a common theme among us secondary's! It's so hard when you gave up a job to have a family thinking that it would be a bigger job than just 1 child. I'm trying to move into the world of work more, but I seem to still have too much time at home to think. On the other hand I don't want to work too much so that I don't get to spend time with dd. 

Pand - Big hugs for all the problems you've been having with in-laws. I think that maybe you needed to have this bust up so that they could really understand your loss. I hope it all sorts itself out soon hun. 

Jo - Hope you're getting on ok and feeling a bit better about treatment.

Hi to everyone else, 

Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

I'm not feeling particularly "upbeat" so won't post much as I don't feel able to be particularly supportive but I'll try.  Don't suppose it helps that I've just watched the sex education prog on Ch4+1 which ended with a woman giving birth at which point I burst into tears.  I just feel that will never be me ever again and it makes me desperately sad  .  Anyhow, just wanted to say:

Suszy - big   hun.  So sad to hear that you are feeling so fed up and down this week, especially as you were so happy last week and preceding weeks.  I completely sympathise with you over the whole NCT thing and think that you are exceptionally brave to still attend some of the meet ups - I've not been to one for well over 18 months now as I couldn't bear it any longer and had also started to feel like the "outcast with only one child".  If you're feeling left out again, it's bound to be dragging you down.  Try to re-focus on you hun and those frosties  .  You are a lovely sensitive lady and that is why you are affected by others actions (or lack of).  And you are allowed to feel "poor me" - that's what we're here for hun  .  Looking forward to seeing you on Sunday for a real hug  

Cinders - how lovely to hear from you, and what a beautifully written post - made me   as you are such a lovely lady too and your words really touched me.  Nothing you say sounds empty hun - you're an inspiration to us all, and you've been a SIFer for a very long time and so deserve this pregnancy !  Please don't feel awkward about posting on here though I understand it won't be as often.  You should be well and truly scrubbing those nails and blowing that nose to get rid of the nastiness of this pit as you so deserve to.  You have been there for so many people on here, and I for one thoroughly appreciate all the support you've given and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  Thanks for asking about my tx - I am well and truly cacking myself and am petrified as I know I won't cope at all well with failure and I have no support at home - so beware ladies.  Please reconsider Sunday - we so desperately want to see you.  And by the way, I am very close to the M5 too so would be willing to offer a pee-stop and a cuppa any time !  You look after yourself and mini Cinders  

Lainey - you OK hun after your drunken night out ?  

Missyb - glad your phone's back to normal !

Emma - how're you doing ?

Lyndalou - glad you had a good trip to the Dominican Republic.  I went there about 12 years ago on a last minute holiday bargain with a friend and it was great - until she copped off with one of the waiters and I barely saw her again !  To top it all, when I got back from there, my GP thought I had malaria .  Needless to say I didn't have but I was pretty ill.  

Jane D - good news on the clinic in Spain, and good luck to your sister  

FFH - good to hear from you and to see you're still taking a sneaky peek !

I can't wait 'til Friday when I don't have to go to work for a whole 2 days.  Found out this week that the woman who's taken my old job is pg - obviously I was sitting in the wrong chair - again.  Also, I moved desks today to a different part of the building as my new team were all moved together.  I'm now sitting really near a woman with primary IF who has been saying comments to a mutual friend (that was trying to explain to her that perhaps her and I could get together for a chat about IF and to support each other) that knows about my SIF "oh, at least she has one" and "I don't know what her issue is when she has her son already".  As I found out that her 1st IVF cycle ended in a BFN last week, I feel really dreadful sitting near her - I feel so gutted for her, but also wary that she obviously has no conception of SIF and thinks that I am a cow for having a child.  I could almost feel the daggers in my back this afternoon.  There's also lots of fertiles on the floor I'm on now.  Utter pants.

Anyway, I am not going to moan any longer.  I just feel too tired and old for all this now.  I am so tempted not to go ahead with tx next week - what is the point ?

Big   to all those that are down and   for those that need it.

Love

Jo


----------



## ramblingrose

Just wanted to say to Cinders (who I don't 'know'   ) that was a truly lovely post and very inspiring too. You put your thoughts down so well. I did laugh about the t-shirts idea as I feel like printing one saying 'SIF, TTC 3 years - now stop shoving your bumps in my face!  ' or words to that effect. My SIL is 32 weeks and a close friend at work is 20 weeks, so I can't escape it!!!!

It is true what you say - I don't feel it will ever happen to me. I have had such a run of bad luck with a lot of things, not just this (but this being the most important one) that I just feel deep in my heart that it won't happen to me because nice things don't happen to me; I either don't deserve it or am being punished for leaving it too late or whatever......I dunno but you know how your mind wanders eh? Other people get the breaks, and I'm the person who everyone knows and doesn't know what to say to.  

It is so fab to hear of people's positive outcomes. I've been on a bit of a downer last couple of days. I just can't stop being annoyed with myself for not TTC sooner after having DS instead of waiting til he was nearly 5; and I was 33 before I even started trying. I'm now 37 and time is running out.....yikes. I'm also annoyed that when I started taking my meds for arthritis I didn't look deeper into the effects of taking anti-inflams for a long period of time. If only we could turn back the clock eh? I know anger is no good, but it's there and I can't shift it.

We haven't even TTC this month because I just haven't felt like it. I had my HSG last month and know that we should really be taking advantage that there might be a glimmer of an increased chance (even with 2 blocked tubes) but I'm almost of the mentality that if we don't try then at least I won't expect it at the end of the month. But then I get annoyed at myself for wasting a month and so it goes on.....

Back to work for 4 days tomorrow, where I get to measure little babies' feet for their first shoes......gawd help me as I really don't feel up to facing it at the minute.

Sorry for the selfpitying rant. Having a hard time with DS as well at the moment and I can't really moan about it because I feel guilty for that as well!!!!!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day; or maybe it won't.

Love to all

xxx


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls
just a quickie before I pop off to the gym for one of the last times!

Thanks for your supporting comments it really helps jobo and ffh.
Rambling hope that you feel a bit brighter soon.
Its so hard is it  not, wherever we go, whatever we do there will always be reminders of what we don't have.
Its just so unfair.
jobo you must go ahead with tx there is a hope and you will kick yourself if you don't
I think we all have down phases and luckily there is someone else out there on ff who understands and is there for us.

jane d looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.
pand hope school has been better for you, I am helping on Thursday afternoon - really looking forward to it.
missy need to text you.
lainey how is your head
lyndalou glad you had a good hol, you really deserved it.
emma - sending you lots of love
pickle hope you are ok
nearly thought about pulling out of Sunday as am too down  but i need to come for the hugs and mutal support.
cinders - you know you could be writing your book honey and start a business printing off those t shirts!
better get going or will never get to the gym
take care my lovelies
susie


----------



## EmsyG

Hey there everyone, hope you don't mind me popping in but I thought as I've already got one dd (who's about to turn 6 in 5 weeks and 2 days time! OMG!) there might be room for one more?  

I'm 29, DP 36. I've mild PCOS (no cysts anymore, but still have insulin resistance so am on met), and DP's all fine and dandy. We've been signed off by the consultant at Addenbrookes as our problem doesn't seem to be conceiving (have had 2 m/c's this year) but hanging onto the little beans. My hormone tests were coming back great, and there isn't anything else wrong that they could find. Not quite sure what on earth to do next. We don't qualify for nhs ivf because of my dd, and at the mo can't afford to go privately. 

I've been with my DP for 2 years and he's a wonderful Dad to my dd, I desperately want to share the experience of having a baby with him. I went through all the old baby stuff from the loft yesterday and had a good cull, got rid of a huge box full of stuff. I'm fed up of congratulating everyone around me on their pg's and new babies when all I want is one of my own. Have gone back to work again recently as I feel such a fraud being at home now dd is settled into year 1 at school. There's only so much coffee I can drink, and only so much housework I can do!   

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble sorry! Nice to meet you all. 
Emma x


----------



## Jane D

Hello

Cinders what a lovely post. It is lovely to hear that we are in your thoughts.  All the best to you.

Emma - hello, welcome.  I feel exactly the same, fed up of smiling for other people's announcements.  I just think if we give out happy smiles we will eventually be repaid. You are very strong sorting out the loft.  I am still trying to get rid of my dds stuff - just clothes left now.  i think work is a great help, or though a hindrance when dd is ill.  Yesterday at 2.30 pm I got a call to pick her up and had to leave in the middle of a meeting.  Was a boring meeting so was relieved. 

Suzy - I am sorry you have not been 100%. I think it is just the tx making you think like that.  I am so looking forward to meeting up on  Thursday.  I promise to make you laugh!

Rambling - good wording on the t shirts.  Mine would be "Cant have any more - POF! " (pof for premature ovarian failure, or p off!)
Please dont think you  left things late.  i was 33 when I had dd.  Most people seem to get away with having babies much later than that and maybe have more, look at Davinia Mc or Ulrika.  we do what we think best at the time with the knowledge  available to us.
Good luck at work. You ladies are amazing - so many working with children and having to live with SIF.

Jobo - sorry about the lady in work.  Unfortunately a lot of primaries will not be sympathetic to us. they can be bitter.  As they have not been a mum before, they can't begin to imagine how it takes hold like an addiction, needing another child.  At times like this we need jobs with just men or post menopausal women with no grand kids.

Thanks for the good wishes for my SIL.  We shall see.  If I could have one more baby for me, I would even surrogate for her, I feel so much for her.  Not that DH would be happy.  I will consider anything now, DEIVF has done that to me.  Rang nurse today, no more meetings now until I get an email about the donor!!! Hopefully in March, no earlier.

Anyway better go.  Lunch nearly over

Love

Jane
xx


----------



## zebby

Hello there
Not sure whether this is the right place for me but hopefully one of you lovely people can point me in the right direction if it's not. We had a bit of a ride getting pregnant with our son (now 11 months) what with chronic male infertility (not a swimmer in sight). Anyway, after lots of nasty operations they managed to find a few, run an ICSI cycle and lo and behold, we have our little angel. 
SO, given we have two embies on ice and wanting a nice warm home, I went for some checks and it seems that a bit of placenta left over after the birth, the resulting infection and D&C procedure to remove it have left me with a bloomin' great adhesion in the middle of the uterus. I need an operative hysteroscopy to fix it before we can even consider FET and with a 6 month waiting list plus 4 month recovery period, it's no time soon (not that we're in a hurry but....). Does anyone else have a similar story? What is the prognosis with this type of trauma induced adhesion?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Zebby


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
Thanks for the support girls - its so nice of you and to know that you are all there and so caring and lovely despite having your own stuff and I do appreciate it.  Sorry for being a bit poor me and selfish I just could not understand the depth of despair I feel sometimes and as we all know its good to get it down.  Hopefully I am back and will be here for you all again.  Ijust feel so sorry for myself sometimes.
I am feeling a bit better now, I had a good session in the sauna (not sure its good for me but its the last few days) and steam room, got taken for lunch and sat in the sun, had a sit in the park with ds on his bike, had a jump and lie on the trampoline with ds, went out for tea with some girls and their kids some of them only children then went to my life coaching course which I so enjoy so feeling a bit brighter.

Emsy - welcome- you are good going back to work - I am still using fertility tx as an excuse and he is just gone into year 2 although am running out of time and excuses.

zebby - sorry to hear of all your troubles sorry I cannot help - have you looked at ask the Dr section - think its at the top of first page.

Take care everyone.
looking forward to meeting all who can at junction 5 on motorway - see meeting up thread.
thanks
love
susie


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

Cinders - what a lovely post, you truly are a sweetheart.  I hope you will come tomorrow, it won't be the same without you.

Susie - I am sorry to hear that you are so down,  you have been so positive so far.  I really hope this works for you, you really deserve it.  Thanks for organising the meet, it would never have happened if it had been left to me    I wish we lived closer so we could meet all the time.

Jobo - looking forward to seeing you on Sunday too.  I have everything crossed for you with this round of IVF.

Pand - I am afraid that other people just don't understand how painful SIF is and that this, when coupled with a m/c, is unbearable.  I think it is hard for "normal" people to relate to us sometimes.  I like to think I would be a bit more sensitive than your inlaws but who knows, if I were fertile perhaps I would be as tactless.  At least you know we do understand and feel the same pain as you.  Will give you a big hug tomorrow. 

Lyndalou - glad you had a good break, you deserved it.  I am sorry to see you aren't coming tomorrow, it would have been lovely to meet you.  It will take me 2.5 hours to get there, not looking forward to that drive I can tell you.

Emsy - everything you said in your post really resonated with me.  I am at home and don't want to get a job as IVF is ongoing for us and who would want to take on a new employee who was going to be off loads and then potentially get pg.  I am fed up of coffee and lunches but also find that all the jobs advertised are not going to use all my skills. I am a qualified accountant and who wants one of those from 9.30 to 2.30??  All the jobs in my bracket are full time and I want to be at the school gates to collect my DD at 3.15 every day, blimey, she might be the only one I ever have so I am damned sure I will get as much time with her as I can.  Welcome to you, you will fit in fine here.

Zebby - sorry, can't help with your question, I hope you find the answer somewhere.  Good luck.

Emma - hope AF has not been too unkind to you.

Missy - how are you lovie?

FFH - looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.

I am having a bit of a rough time.  Feeling very    Fed up of waiting and hoping and nothing happening.  AF arrived Wednesday and it was terrible, I had terrible AF pains for 2 days and felt very grumpy and teary.  Like Susie, I did think about not coming tomorrow as I am feeling so low but decided it would do me no good to stay at home and dwell on it.

Lainey x


----------



## EmsyG

Thankyou all for a lovely welcome  
I'm cd 35 20dpo, had a neg test 4 days ago and am waiting to test again tomorrow. No sign of AF at all, but no pg symptoms either!   

Lainey - Have you looked at going self-employed? Then you can pick and choose your clients, the hours you work, and the amount of work you'll do! This is what I've done, initially to be a property developer, but with the housing crash I've shelved that idea and am now doing sales consultancy for a couple of companies. I'm going to have to drop one of them soon I think though as I'm getting a bit stressed with working, the house, dd, and ttc it's all a bit much to juggle. I'm not getting any time for me and that's a really bad thing for me mentally as I end up feeling strung out, even time for something silly like going for a swim! 

Susie - Sounds like some time out was what you needed. Take care.  

Jane - Hope your dd is better now too. 

Hope you've all had a good weekend. x


----------



## Pand

Really sorry for a quickie, but am very tired and have just finished working out zorba's dance for school tomorrow (European Day of Languages).  Will have to do it no less than six times!!!!  Eek.

Anyway wanted to say thank you to the girls for meeting up today.  

Secondly, switch on to Channel 4 on Tuesday at 8pm for Sex Education.  It's the fertility programme and you may just see me and dh!!!!  

Hope everyone has a decent week.

Jo - Good luck for tomorrow. I'm all yours on Tuesday if you need me.

Suzy - Fingers crossed for Thursday.

Lainey - Your dd is gorgeous.  

Lots of love
Pand


----------



## cinders35

Have set the tv to record it already, can't wait!
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie from me as I'm knackered and have too much other sh1t going on in my head to be coherent tonight, but just wanted to say:

Cinders - missed you today   

Suszy - lovely to see you again.  Good luck for Thursday   and watch out for BMW's  

Lainey - lovely to see you again too but sorry you had such a long drive.  Love your DD - we had a lovely little natter on the sofa !

Pand - thanks for being there hun and for all your advice  .  Am being so nice to DH it's vomitous  .  Can't wait to see my mate on the telly - can I have your autograph please  

Apologies to Pand, Suszy and Lainey if I appeared a bit distant today - mind on too many other things I think.  Sorry  , it wasn't intentional.

Hello and welcome to emsyg and zebby.

Love to all

Jo


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies    

Just a quick post to let you know what happened to me on Fri night! Think we all need to be on our guard  going out. There is a lot of nasty people out there 

Went out for dinner with some girlfriends on Fri eve. Had lovely meal and couple of drinks and then we went to a wine bar.
Remember having my second drink there and the next thing I remember is waking up in hospital. Friends said I went from acting
completly normal to being completly disoriantated in a matter of mins. They got me home and they deciding to call ambulanne
because my lips and fingers where going blue and they couldnt get any reaction from me. Paramedics said I had extremly low
blood pressure and my pupils where dilated and so took me to hospital. Doctors think someone put something in my drink but blood tests where "inconclusive" . I went form been completly out of it to wide awake a couple of hours later not known anything had gone on. Really scarey but I know im lucky because friends took care of me. I dont drink very often but been Irish   I can handle more
than 4 drinks so know that something else happened that night. So girls be aware when out we are all girls in our late thirties
and are usually   very sensible not some teenagers out on the razz and it has shocked us a lot.

Anyway enough of that depressing business hope everyone ahd a lovely weekendxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## cinders35

OMG Lynda!
So glad that you are ok, and nothing worse happened. Obviously that was bad enough, but when you think what else could have happened if you hadn't been with such good friends who know you so well. What a frightening ordeal, and a shocker! You just don't think of it happening 'at our age!'  . You think it's just the young 'uns who are vulnerable.
Blimey  .
SO glad you ok  
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## EmsyG

Good grief Lynda, that's terrifying! Thank goodness you're ok though. You're right though, I'd never think that would happen to me now being a nearly 30yr old bird!  

I'm off to the doctors in a bit for a pg blood test. Did another hpt this morning and it was neg, so going to have blood test to make sure. Otherwise my af has disappeared into the ether!


----------



## ramblingrose

Oh no, how scary!!!!!    Do you have any idea what happened and where?

I had my drink spiked when I was at uni - didn't end up in hospital, thankfully, but had some very nasty hallucinations. Glad you are ok.

I'm having a very busy day - it's my DS' birthday today, he's 8; so I'm madly cleaning my house and preparing for his party later on. Hope everyone is well.

xx


----------



## jobo5572

OMG Lyndalou that's awful   - hope you're OK now.

EmsyG - good luck for your blood test results.

ramblingrose - hope DS had a lovely birthday  

Well ladies, as of today I am officially now a junkie at the Priory and on the emotional rollercoaster that is IVF  .  Started D/R'ing today and have also started a diary (if anyone is suffering from insomnia !).  The whole thing was a bit daunting, not helped by the fact that I was on my own, but I'm glad it's over with.  Have to say the injection wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be, and like I have said to some already, it was just like a little prick and I'm used to those  .  (Hope DH doesn't look at this website !).  Have had lots of people from work and then at the school gates (where it was obvious I hadn't been to work as I was in my jeans) asking where I've been today but I haven't told any of them.  The friends that do know about my SIF are aware that I am starting IVF "soon" and that is as far as it goes.  I don't want every tom, dick and harry contacting me to ask for the latest update and giving me their useless ditties of information like "ooh, I had a friend who did that and it was a doddle and she fell pg straight away" like I had by text last night off an ex-friend (due to her complete insensitivity over SIF and many previous stupid and hurtful comments) who'd found out about IVF from my DH to her DH.  Don't get me wrong, I know some friends are well-meaning and really try to be sensitive to the situation, but I just don't want to be hassled/probed for info during such an emotional time.  I have of course told all you lot in the same pit as me but I don't mind that as you're all lovely !!!  

Pand, Lainey and Suszy - thanks again for yesterday and your supportive texts about today    

I am now waiting eagerly for the menopausal hormonal rage to start so that DH can experience part of the IVF too


----------



## SUSZY

Evening Girls
We had a lovely meet up yesterday and its shame we did not all leave closer so more could come and we could see each other more.
I was a bit annoyed with myself as managed to reverse into a bmw xz sporty  number whilst coming out of Macdonalds.  I have fully comp and am protected its just going to cost me 100 but its still money and frustrating. It was lovely to see everyone again though - just wish we could all give each other a big hug.    

Lyndalou - so sorry to hear about your drink being spiked, its really scary isn't it but glad your friends were there to help you. I  know what you mean about knowing how much you can take.  Hope you are feeling better today.   

jobo so glad it went well today and sorry you were without dh but you know you have all of us that will be with you every step of the way. I did notice you were a bit quiet yesterday but it did not matter and you had a daunting day today and I know what its like when dhs are not being as supportive as they should be.  You will sail thought this honey you really will. Thanks for the photos, its so lovely to see them all getting on so well and they adopted that other boy who looked like an only child wish I had spoken more to them now.  

rambling rose, hope ds had a lovely bday - we are only about 18 months behind you as ds will be 7 in Feb, hope you have a great party and that there is not too much mess and that you all have lots of fun.  

emsy good luck for the blood test - you have been through the mill with your m/cs so sorry honey I really am. We are here for you.  

Cinders - we missed you yesterday honey although i do understand why you felt it would be hard to come.  We are all here for you.  

pand hope that the dancing etc went well today.  You work so hard.  It was great to see you again yesterday.  It was lovely to see our dss getting on so well.  Looking forward to seeing you on the telly!  Lainey good luck for the appt tomorrow it was lovely seeing you and the kids all got on so well.  


missy sorry forgot to take photo of us girls although jobo took one of the kids we can send to you if you let us have your email. 

emma hope you are ok honey. 

jane lovely seeing you the other night and you are so sorted and focused it was lovely to see. 

ffh shame we missed you honey hope you are ok

pickle - hope you are doing ??    
dustyrose hope you are doing ok    

bubs where are you  

foxy  how are you  

emily caitlin how are you  

wendeth - hope you are doing ok sweetheart  

love to you all as ever

susie


----------



## jobo5572

Suszy - just wanted to apologise to you and Lainey (have already done so to Pand) for me being quiet yesterday   - it wasn't intentional but I kept finding my mind wandering all over the place.  I also kept going a bit dizzy and light headed and feeling generally yuck.  I think it was a mixture of worrying about today and also wondering whether or not I'd actually be going through with IVF as DH threatened to pull out of it all on Saturday night, combined with other bad stuff that's going on in my life, plus me feeling conscious that all 3 of you lovely ladies have been through so much more than me and I felt bad for that and almost like a fraud.  Pand has already told me off for feeling like that but I can't help it.  It wasn't anything any of you said or did, it's just me.  You're right, it is such a shame we don't all live closer as it would be so lovely to meet up more often.  I am so lucky to have Pand so close to me as she is one very special lady and a fantastic friend.  Quite honestly, I don't know where I'd be without my FF's and I thakn you all from the bottom of my heart


----------



## Jane D

Hi all

I am glad that the meet up went well.
Lyndalou - I am sorry and shocked to hear that some awful person spiked your drink.  Did you report it to the manager of the outlet?  There was a pub by me that has had a few incidents, since closed and opened under a new licensee. Someone in work's mate got spiked and when the ambulance turned up, the paramedic said he had had a couple of incidents at the same pub.  Thank god you were with people.

Suzy - so sorry to hear about the BMW.  Hope you are ok.  Lovely to see you last week and kind of you to say I am doing well.  Everything crossed for you for this week.

Good luck Jobo with the tx

Good luck also to Lainey.

Will be watching the Channel 4 prog tonight.  Hope I don't get too upset. Will be looking out for you Pand. I have heard somewhere that the presenter had fertility tests done for the programme and got back bad news which they did not film.  I dont know which test it was, probably the FSH  ( I call it f***ng stupid hormones).  That was the killer for me but not any more.  Releived to find out my CMV negative status does not mean I have to wait longer than usual for donor - clinic emailed me back.

Hello to everyone else

Must go

on lunch

Love

Jane


----------



## jobo5572

Pand - bless you hun, what an absolute star you were on the telly tonight  .  You looked absolutely stunning on there and came across exceptionally well.  Everything you said so obviously came straight from the heart and had me howling  .  I only wish that your insensitive family were watching and that they had a wake up call as to how you're feeling and what you've been through - even though it was summed up within a couple of minutes - and they would think of someone else but themselves for a change  .  Well done you.  Big  .  I am very proud of you.  I only wish that there was something I could do to take away all your pain and hurt.  You so don't deserve any of it hun.


----------



## lyndalou

Jane    I have reported it to the owner of wine bar and he is going to look through the cctv but he said it was so busy that
          night and they only have 1 camera so he is not to confident of finding anything.  But hey its worth a try!
          He was really lovely and supportive and asked if anything else he could do. Just said to warn people who drink there and
          get his staff to be on the lookout 

Susie  Sorry about your car such a pain but glad you were not hurt 

Jobo    Welcome to the mad world of IVF. It all seems scary at first but it will all be worth it then you get your BFP  

Pand    Watched programme tonight but not sure what you look like but something tells me you were the lady at the back in
          the blue top. My heart went out to you hon and you looked just as beautifull as I imagined you would be. You are always
          so caring and thoughtfull and have helped me through difficult times 

Cinders  Have you started knitting yet 

OMG the couple who had 15 IVF's I dont think I could cope. Knackered after just a few 

Much love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## nic172

hi there ladies - havnt been on here for ages - thought that not being addicted to reading and writing about babies - might help me stop thinking of them!! No luck but nice to read everyones updates.

I have been invited to 3 baby showers ( how american ) over the next few weeks and am not looking forward to cooing over all the bumps and baby gear!!! The last shower i was at - we all played a ridiculous game of siffing nappies full of melted choc - guessing what choc baby would of eaten had it done this -JOY!!!! You can see why i cant wait to get myself to the next ones!!! to top it off one of the girls whos having the shower has already decided to the exact month when baby number two will be here!!! The luxury of it xx

Enough of my rants -Great to hear some good news for some of you - congratulations - u know who you arexx  But some of you seem to be having a tough time - the good news shows us and reminds us though that are turn might come xx

Love and luck to all xxx - sorry no personals xx


----------



## SUSZY

Pand you were amazing honey and looke georg and you came across so well and put it so well, i just wish all my family and friends could have seen it, i know you probably said more and it did not cover 2ndry it got over the pain of m/c so well you should be so proud of yourself and dh

jane glad that there is not going to be a delay - will keep you posted

jobo -I did think you were quiet but did not think there was anything wrong in it  and realised you had a lot on your plate and also thought it might be because you had seen Pand and could catch up regularly and were letting us gas bags natter away etc so please dont worry about it.  as we all know it does not matter how long you have been going through this or how many kids or m/c you have had we all know exactly what each other feel because we know what it feels like to want a baby and not be able to b.....y have them for some reason. It was lovely to see you and thanks for taking the photos 

nic nice to hear from you again, sorry re the baby showers - do you have to go? can you get really drunk and then leave?? can you put the programme on we saw tonight and leave the room!  Hows the virgin Ve??

love to everyone else
feeling in a strange mood, nervous, excited, ok, content, sad, kind of happy - accepting of my situ and the heatings on and thats helped.  only one more day to go to find out about those embies.
had reality check today saw the lady whose hubbie died and had a good chat and a few tears - it brought a few things home including how important it is to have people you can identify with and who have been through the same as you like this web site and hopes she manages to find a support group for widows in their early 40s as there must be one out there.  Then seeing the whole programme tonight on infertilty, ivf and seeing Pand on Tv was just amazing, its like finally its filtering out there and the message is finally trickling through.  I feel part of something, ok something I did not want to be but I am and have met you wonderful girls and i am going to start embracing it and whatever the outcome of this tx I am determined to help others and myself in the process - please keep me to this girls as you know how I am!


----------



## wouldbegreat

Pand 

I watched you on tv and i cried bless your heart   you looked beautiful and we all know you have a beautifully heart too. Me and dh watched and when i cried he said are you ok I replied yes its just so upsetting to see pand like that i have been on this site a year now (OMG )and i have seen lots of really sad and heartfelt post from you .I also said to him you always think of others  including giving everybody a big mention in your long and unselfish posts  

You are a massive part of fertility friends and a massive part of lots of peaple's life on here and the outside world. It was so great to see you and dh and i feel you shed a tear for all of us .I was very proud of you and so glad you had the chance to have your say and it was perfect  

Well done pand big    from all of us


----------



## Jane D

hello all

Pand you looked beautiful on tv last night you really shone. You did us all proud.  The presenter I felt was very sympathetic, but then the poor lady was shell shocked about the state of her ovarian reserve.

On the whole a good show, educating women about testing and egg freezing and some funny warty cheesy willies!! Good to see Sinitta on there talking about surrogacy and adoption.  Would have appreciated more of just a brief mention of egg donation though. Also the Dr rightly said about asking about your mother's age of menopause as a hint to your own, but I think she should have added that this is not the only marker.  Just because your mother has had a child at 40 does not mean you will be the same.  In fact I feel that having been an "old egg" myself (mum was 40 when she had me) has meant that my own reserve has been significantly diminished from the word go.

Nic - sorry to hear about the baby showers.  Any way of getting out of them?

Suzy - glad you are ok.  Thinking of you over the next 24 hours and beyond.

All ok here, just playing the waiting game now.

Hello to all

Love

Jane


----------



## dustyrose

Hello Pand, you are very courageous. Thank you for your sincerity and for making all of us suffering from infertility feel less alone. Its an honor to know you here. 

Suszy, good luck for tomorrow honey. xxx

Hello to everyone and all of you! I hope you haven't written me off because I haven't posted much lately. Im sorry that Im not giving up much time for FF especially because out of anyone I know, its you all that deserve the time....It hasn't been easy for me the last few weeks and I've kept my distance from nearly everyone. Feel like I am in some sort of transformation and its keeping me feeling very guarded and also quite assertive. Good news: DD's birthday went down a real treat and felt fantastic and special for all three of us. Husband was Dora the explorer and he pulled it off well. 30 klds and went without a hitch...still in shock over that.

Have had huge falling out with so called close friend. Even after finally sharing my true feelings of infertility and the fact that I am struggling a bit didn't stop this woman from using me. The last straw was that she dropped her daughter and her uninvited neice who has severe allergies (and didn't tell me) to the bday party and left to go and have a drink with mates, knowing I had 29 kids to look after. For her daughters bday, three months ago she was 9 mths pregnant and the hall she rented was left very dirty and she was very upset so I helped her...cleaned toilets, floors, tables, setup did all the coffee and tea and did half hour of entertaining the kids while she mingled etc...In return, she used my daughters bday as free childcare for her family. I don't shout very much and haven't shouted at a friend in 15 years or so but I lost it with this one and told her she can NO LONGER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME and I am NOT investing in the friendship anymore. She said she won't lose any sleep over it-- its really brought me down because she basically told our friends that I am hormonal, jealous of her new baby and an unstable emotional woman on the edge because of the impending IVF--which is NOT true, my infertility and her inconsideration are two very seperate issues, but my ego feels the need to justify this and im dwelling on it in my mind 24/7. I've had lovely reassuring texts from friends on what a cow she is and they couldnt' imagine me shouting so it must have been bad but it still hurts....why are there people like this in the world and moreso, why don't they suffer from infertility? 

Just struggling. Feel very down and sick of feeling this way and now Im allowing others to bring me down. I know I shouldn't give them that power but I think its because I am just tired of it all.

ANyway, Im really ever so sorry that Im not being there for you all. As soon as I get myself back on track, I'll be on more. xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Am v tired tonight so this is only going to be a quickie!

For all you lovely ladies who said I looked beautiful on TV... where are your flipping glasses?  What about my double chins and the snotty nose?!!!!!  Seriously tho, I have been overwhelmed by your support, kind messages and texts.  You are all such lovely people.  I was really choked when I read your posts tonight.  I am disappointed the programme glossed over the IF issue and wish they had shown what I said about it rather than what I said about the mc.  I'm worried it came over as a little self-pitying cos at the end of the day, other people have been through much worse and it doesn't sound all that bad until you realise the IF issues that go with it and that's what I wanted to put across, the pain of IF.  Well I tried anyway!!

The presenter was a lovely lady and very kind and I did really feel for her too.

Jobo - I cannot thank you enough for being such a kind and supportive friend.  IF may be awful but it was worth it to meet you.  Good luck with your jab tonight hun.  

Suzy - I really loved seeing you on Sunday.  I am so hoping that tomorrow brings some good news for you!  Am really nervous!!! Can't imagine how you must be feeling.  You so deserve for this to work.

Dustyrose - OMG.  I am so flaming mad I'm fit to burst.  I am furious at this so called friend for what she has said and the pain she has caused you.  What a selfish b**ch!!!!!!  She's alright jack!!  Why is it that people like her can have as many kids as they want when they clearly don't deserve them!!!!!  I hope that she experiences some awful life chaging pain soon... don't care what it is, just want her to get a taste of her own medecine!!!  It's not you flower.  She is taking the mickey!!!  So cut her off.  She doesn't deserve to be your friend.  OOOOH... I'm so mad!!!!

WBG and Jane D - You are so lovely.  Thank you both. Jane I totally agree, wish they had talke more about the IF but I guess it's a start!!!  Still think we should all write a book!! (Come on Cinders!).

Lyndalou - No the lady in the blue was far too slim to be me!!! I was the one in green who blarted!!!!  Not a pretty sight!!  I'm so shocked to hear about your experience in the bar.  Have you reported it to the police?  You should let them know hun.  They probably won't even record it, but should be aware.  Hope you're ok now.  Where are you at with everything?

Nic172 - You're very brave going to the baby showers!! I'd tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine!!!! Good luck hun.

Missyb - Two years today.  It's a hard time. I'm thinking of you and always here if you need me.

Cinders - Love you!!

Laineylou - Love you too!!

That's all for tonight really.  DH and I have decided to give IVF another go.  We are waiting for AF to book in for the next cycle although I still keep changing my mind.  DH is also having a terrible time at work with a boss from hell bullying him.  I could spit feathers.  It's like life just keeps chucking more rubbish.  Must admit, I wonder whether IVF is a good idea given how much awfulness keeps happening at the moment.  But I can't keep putting it off.

Anyway said I would keep it short and I haven't.

Love to you all (and everyone I haven't mentioned tonight!)

Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Bluey/green im a bit coloured blind! You where the one I thought. Talking about your mc made me cry with you just wanted to put
my arms into the tv and give you a hug 
I phoned   and also the owner of wine bar. Not much more i can do except tell people to be aware.
We are thinking of doing FET next month. Scarey thought but need to get on with things x

Dusty  What a *itch! Friends like her arent worth having! 

Suszy  Much love and luck for tommorow


----------



## jobo5572

Suszy - good luck for tomorrow hun               .  Wakey wakey little frosties .  Hoping and praying it all works out for you hun as you so deserve it  

Pand - stop being so horrible about yourself - you looked stunning and I didn't spot a single double chin or any snot (though have plenty on my top from earlier  ).  As I've already said, it did not come across at all self-pitying.  It's a shame they edited out the IF side of things but what they did show moved us all as you can see from all the posts.  We all know how important your mc is and how when it's teamed with IF it makes it so much worse.  I cannot thank you enough for all your support and advice re my tx and jabs.  If AF arrives you must contact the clinic to get booked in - I know you keep hesitating and changing your mind but you know you have to do it - and we're all right behind you to support you through it hun.  As for DH's boss, well you know my feelings on that one.  The woman is a bullying ***** and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.  Glad to see DH is taking the male approach though and dealing with it.  I'm so sad that so many things are happening for you all at once - one of each of the things at a time would be bad enough but would be so much more bearable on their own.  Together, along with trying to function on a daily basis with SIF, they're just unbearable.  It's the whole feeling of being out of control and that isn't nice.  Anyway hun, you know where I am if you have any more snot to decorate me with  .  Love you Sis  !!!!

Lainey - thanks for your texts - good news so far then hun.  Good luck whenever you start  

lyndalou - well done for reporting the incident to the Police and to the wine bar owner.  It is disgusting that this kind of thing can happen  .

nic172 - good to hear from you.  I couldn't cope with the 3 baby showers as I'm not good around smug fertiles at the moment - I'd be tempted to suggest and organise the nappy game for them, but put real poo in the nappies and then say "oh that's how SIF smells"    Oh, and the luxury of being able to pinpoint when you're going to have your next baby  .  How dreadful for them.  Perhaps some of them may get a wake up call too when they ttc the next - nothing against your friends, but I so wish sometimes that people just had a taster of what we're going through and when your dreams are shattered.

Dustyrose - love the pirate outfit on ** and well done on what sounds like a great birthday party.  As for your so-called friend - grrrrrr - get rid !  What an insensitive cow  .

Jane D - hope you get some news soon.

MissyB - how're you doing hun ?  

Nothing on me as I'm a bit teary tonight   and not entirely sure why.  Possibly hormones but more than likely the reality check that IVF is really happening.  I also feel so sad that others are going through similar - it's bad enough when it's happening to you but when your friends are suffering too it's just awful.

Sorry to anyone I've missed (unintentionally).

Love Jo


----------



## EmsyG

Susie, good luck for tomorrow

Dusty, what a moo! It sounds like you're well rid tbh, anyone who behaves like that shouldn't ever call themselves a friend. 

Panda, I'm sorry I missed your prog, but   for everything you've been through. 

Nic, good luck with the baby showers! I've escaped these so far, but had my 7month old neices christening the other week and that was pretty bad.

Jobo, sorry you're feeling down chicken.   Can you do something nice for you, even just taking a nice candlelit relaxing bath - have a bit of time out. 

I am officially cacking my pretty spotty matching knickers. I get my blood test results tomorrow as they weren't back today and as I'm cd37, 22dpo with no sign of AF at all I'm so hopeful. Last test was Monday and that was bfn still but I was 6 weeks plus with dd before I got a pos hpt result! Weird how they work/don't work for different people. 

Much love to everyone else. I am now off to find my bed.   NN x


----------



## SUSZY

just a quickie need to come back and catch up with you all.
will do personals later when I am hopefully pupo!

they survived the thaw so we are just off on our way to brum via Ang's salon.
ET at 3pm so have your fingers x.

take care my lovelies and I will be back later.

love

susie


----------



## jobo5572

Suszy - I have everything crossed for you hun


----------



## Jane D

Suzy - thinking of you and the frosties all day.  You so deserve success.  Hope to hear from you on the boards later.  Hope you will be putting your feet up later.

Jobo - love your take on the poo in the nappy game.  Hope the stimming is going ok.

Have to say I am cheered that our posts are not edited or commented on.  I said something quite sarky on the news thread once about a fertile celeb which made a few girls laff, then the mod got all high and mighty and told me off!!! Was only pointing out that one bad turn deserves retribution.  Have decided my acid wit is more at home here.

Dusty rose - toxic friend alert I think.  Why do people just invite univited kids along to parties. It is bad manners.

Pand - I never saw any spots or double chins.  Were you watching the same prog as everyone else?  Sorry to hear about the work difficulties for DH.

Lynda lou hope you are ok.

Emsy hope you are ok too.

am totally up for writing book.  Am reading stork club - thanks Suzy, but we can do better.

sorry to miss anyone but on lunch again.

Love

Jane
xx


----------



## Jane D

hey Pand

They are saying some very nice things about you on the news board under Sex Education show!

Love

Jane


----------



## EmsyG

Fingers crossed for you Susie! Take it easy later     

Well my GP called me and my blood test was negative. I thought that was it - game over. But she said that sometimes not, to do another hpt in a week if still no AF and to go in and see her whatever the result. I am confooooosssseedddd.


----------



## cinders35

Just popping on quickly, dd is in the bath!
I tried to post a fair size post 2 nights ago, and lost it! Don't you just hate that? Anyway here I am,firstly to add my praise to Pand, who I thought was such a good ambassador for us all on the telly! You were so articulate Pand, I would have been a shaking, sobbing wreck. I was so proud.  
You are our official celebrity friend now  .

Susie, I have run out of credit, which is why I haven't text you back this pm. But well done, and am   and hoping so hard that this will work for you    .

Jo, well done on the injections, but will check out your last couple of diary entries later  . The long protocol is a long haul, but you'll get there  . The hormones probably are sending you a bit yukky hun  .

Dustyrose, mean orrible excuse for a friend      

Y'know I was thinking we are about due a secondary baby boom, come on girls...   

Sorry no time for anymore, dd wrinkly!

Love ya!

Cindersxxx so hopes this posts ok...


----------



## cinders35

yeah it did!


----------



## SUSZY

Hi Girls   
Thanks so much for all your supportive messages and posts and texts its really nice.
I am officially PUPO and I feel really good with lots of PMA, I am going to be updated my diary fairly regularly so will not bore you with too much repetition here.

Dustyrose - have pmd you sweetheart and sorry to have missed you off my last post, as we all know its so hard to keep up sometimes with everyone.  That friends sounds terrible and she does not deserve your friendship and is such a cheeky cow, I just think that some people have no feelings towards other people no sensitivity or compasson, and I have a few friends who have not behaved in a way i would have towards them.  I think things are finally sinking in with some of them as their precious seconds are going to school and they realise the emptiness thats left but some have been quite thoughtless.  I think you were right to shout at her and to cut her out and I am glad other friends have rallied about.  Try not to dwell on it but I know thats hard as I do the same but put an elastic band around your wrist and twang it every time you feel yourself getting sucked into those thoughts.  Read about that in a book once to try and stop thinking about an ex - not saying I use the method when someone has hurt me or left me out but just thought I would mention it.  We are all here for you too and will give you lots of      .  Look after yourself honey. Just on that subject got a bit peed of the other morning when I was in a local coffee shop with a mum from school when a load of my NCTers came in  -they had all met up the night before at some meeting to do with the sale I had not been too and then here they were in the cafe and they had not told me they were going, I was so annoyed and upset esp as I was giving some of them a lift that night anyway don't really want to dwell on it now as will get all worked up again but i stayed around for a while when my other friend had gone and mumbled something about being a gate crasher.  I then went to have lunch with another friend and had my hair done that made me feel better and that night I felt good as hair looked good and gave them  a lift and just pointedly mentioned a few times that I had not been told about the night before or the coffee shop and left it at that. one in particular was really nice about it but I got the general feeling with the others some who know exaclty what I have been through or have been best friends with before and had offered help that they were all right jack (like you said pand) and that they were not really bothered about me - they are friends but perhaps not the close friends I had thought or am I too serious and sensitive for them. Anyway I had a good night and I have had my tx to focus on but I have put it to the back of my mind but I have made a note of it!  I think we just need to remember that we all have each other on here and know what its like and use that as support when other areas let us down or become more self sufficient - not sure! sorry that rant came out!

Emsy - so sorry about all the mucking about with your bloods and hpts its all very confusing but there is still a chance so good luck.

lyndlou - hope you have recovered from that horrible experience and how are you feeling in general now sweetheart.

jobo hope the injections are going well, you know where I am if you need any help and thanks for the mention in your diary and have done the same back!  Glad you are getting lots of support from Pand - think you two have been a lifeline to each other and its so good for you both.

lainey how are you honey - whats next for you now, thinking of you

pand - you did look lovely and it was bluey green wasn't it, you did very well and it was not atall self pitying I think we all know how much they edit these things and it was brave of you to go in the first place.  If and when my tx works I would love to go public about Ang and my story and help promote more egg donors.  Hope you do start the ivf this next cycle and you and jobo can be cycle buddies too.

cinders - lovely to see you posting and hope you are feeling good and getting huge! have you had the bloods done this week. we are here for you ifyou need to chat etc

would be great - nice to see you  back are you feeling ok honey - hope you are ok.

jane d - you put things across so well Jane I think you could write a book easily and Cinders can help as she is good too.  Sorry you got your post edited one of mine was once its usually if someone else has complained.  We just need more programmes like that to get the point across don't we?  Thanks for your support.

emma hope you are ok

bubbs - how are you?

nic hoe you are ok and not going to any baby showers this weekend, thought jobs idea re the poo in the nappy was brill!

missy - hope you are ok, sorry if missed a sad date for you, here if you want to chat and look after yourself

wendeth - hope you are ok honey and thanks for all your support it means a lot

rambling rose - i hope that you are ok?? thinking of you

foxy hope you are ok

well thats it girls and hope have not missed anyone out.
sending you all lots of love and light and hope etc    
  
i am PUPO and full of PMA


----------



## jobo5572

Just wanted to say quickly as I've got a banging headache (probably side effect of tx):

Suszy - hey PUPO lady !!!!      

Emsy - sorry about the -ve bloods, but like the GP said, hold fire and test again if AF stays away (which I hope she does for you).

Cinders - lovely to hear from you and thanks for your message  

Jane D - bring on the acid wit  

Lainey - thanks for your texts hun and good luck with your next round of tx   

Pand - love you to bits but you are becoming way too cheeky  .  Fancy threatening to text me loads and make me jump whilst doing my jabs  .  You naughty naughty girl you !!!!  Thanks for all your advice and support and you ARE wonderful ! Don't know where I'd be without you 

Me - glad it's Friday !  2 days with no work, yippee.  Day 5 of my jabs and I actually didn't feel much tonight so maybe I'm getting the hang of it.  Had to go to a meeting today with a pg woman so felt quite uptight about it before I went.  However, after finding out that she is 40 and it's her 1st and she's been trying for years, I didn't feel so bad, and I found myself actually feeling happy for her as she has obviously had it tough for a while.  Went to John Lewis's for lunch afterwards with a colleague (who has 2 kids.....surprise surprise) and I'm not kidding...the place was bloody full of pg women.  Bloody hell it was unbelievable.  Then had to go to the school gates to pick up DS and listen to the chitter chatter of all the yummy mummy's with tales of their (multiple) children as usual.  Some days I really can't hack it and today was one of them.  Then I got a text this evening from one of the women asking me if I was OK as I had seemed down all week.  Oops.  My cover has been blown.  I thought I did a good cover-up but obviously not.  So much of me wants to wear a t-shirt with "SIF 3 years, undergoing IVF so f*ck off and leave me alone" printed on the front, but I guess it wouldn't go down too well.

Love to everyone

Jo


----------



## dustyrose

Thank you so much for your messages of support. They have kept me strong the last few days and so much so that I decided to say stuff it and pulled my DD out of her nursery class yesterday and we hit the central London museums. We loved it and had such great fun. I must remind myself that my world is not only a LONDON POSTCODE--its soooo much bigger! Anyway, thank you again. So much is going on for many of us. 
Jobo, I've been thinking of you. You are doing so well honey. Im quite envious because I will be in your shoes next month and you are staying very strong. Just think and i know your probabily not allowing yourself to have these thoughts but hon--you might stay pregnant through IVF and be holding your precious baby in 9 mths time. As Dorrie from Nemo says hon, "Just Keep Swimming!"..... 

Cinders, lovely hearing from you and hope that you and family and bump are happy and healthy and getting excited! 

Suszy, congratulations pupo lady! You've made it this far honey and Im praying with heart & soul.     

Emsy, Sorry to hear that AF is being the witchy poo that she is... know how horrible the feeling is. Im on day 34 today and I know Im not pregnant but its frustrating waiting around for it. 

JaneD, I really like what you have to say and I know I don't reply much but I always agree with your posts and enjoy your sense of humour about it all too. We are a funny group in here though. Its like we don't really have a proper label or slot that makes people understand--just each other.... your not understood by some people with primary infertility or fertiles because we have children already--what's the big deal, right? Be grateful and all that poop  
I wondered why the Sex Education show edited Pand's story so that they didn't even touch on SIF however understand why they didn't because there was too much info  to cover for just one program but still--why are we very rarely mentioned? Anyway, Im glad our boards are not edited too because then I'd feel just as bad as I do when I have to edit my feelings with friends and family...that would be just horrible. 

Lainey, Bubbs, Rambling Rose, talitha, MissyB, and everyone else who I haven't forgotten about but am missing on this greeting.....A big hello and a huge hug ...I hope you have a nice weekend xxx

As for me, just woke up from a pregnancy dream which was so fantastic that once I woke I was soooooo sad. I  loved seeing two double lines on the  test and feeling my belly and thinking my baby was there. I couldn't believe it in my dream and I can't believe it now ...only a dream. But I loved it and I need it to happen one day soon and have been praying to God all morning to please not forget me......

Love to all of you ladies....xxxxoooo


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Just wanted to pop in and say

Suszy -   your officially PUPO, I'm thinking about you and really hoping it's good news for you hun. 

Jo - Well done so far with the down regging, I'm sure it's very stressful for you but I'm thinking of you!!!

Pand - I didn't know the show was on I'm so cross I missed it! But it sounds like you were a real brick, so well done for speaking up.

Everyone else Hi

Lots of love

Faithful x

PS DH got another job which he starts on monday


----------



## SUSZY

just a quickie today
am feeling good just have a headache and alittle tired! I am lying on sofa with fire on having  a real relaxing day.
dh outside when he is not making me cups of tea/ drinks of water/ lunch - now what shall I order for tea   and Ds has the offer of us or my mums and he went for the latter so its all quiet in this neck of the woods.
Just been catching up a bit on the boards and noticed that Kateag do you remember her think she loved shopping got a bfp - hve left a note on her profile so hopefully she might pop back across, one never knows why people drop off but its nice to hear when it works.
That happened on the donor thread and she is 6 mth preg with twins naturally!

FFh sorry for not mentioning you yesterday and thanks for the good wishes and good luck to dh with his new job and how is yours going.

jobo keep up the good work hon you are doing so well

dusty glad you are feeling a bit better and that you had a great day with dd.  Seems a few people have those preg dreams and some of them have got preg so you never know.  You are right we are a funny bunch and its great we can understand each other so well, its about the only place I really can be myself and let it all out as it were.  I agree about jane D she has a great sense of humour and gets things across so well.  

have a good weekend everyone

love
susie


----------



## Jane D

Hi All

Hi Dusty Rose, I liked what you said about the thread not fitting neatly into any compartments and being less understood/promoted.
Do you know one of my pet hates -  When they say "childless" to describe fertility patients. Never mind us girls what about step mums trying to have one of their own with new partner, etc?

Thanks Jobo for encouraging the acid wit.  If I am ever caught on a bad day it may be like a Paul O'Grady rant, or worse still is the Pete Burns cutting comment, but if only seriously threatened.  That is reserved for situations where dd is hassled.  Like much bigger kids being nasty to dd at soft play areas.  One day a big lad was upsetting dd and I complained to the centre supervisor.  She said "oh yes, but he does have problems" and I replied "He will have an even bigger one if I catch him doing that to my girl again".
I hope the 40 year old lady gets on well.

Suzy - relax and let everyone else take the strain. I want to see you on tv one day with Ang.  Thank you for the comments about the book, maybe one day.  Thanks for saying such sweet things.  My humour sustains.  Must translate that into Latin and put on my coat of Arms!!  Sorry you were left out of the social events with NCt.  You are very strong about all of this.

Well to celebrate being officially on the Ceram list (Spain emailed) I went out with DH for tapas last night at Kukis in Wirral - a fab proper tapas place with stuff cooked by proper Spaniards.  absolutely delicious food.  DH and I had a few jokes about Spain and if deivf worked having a big family party at a tapas bar!! After that we went down to the Wallasey waterfront to see the QE2 and the fireworks light up the Liverpool skyline.  It felt marvelous and like the heralding of a new beginning.  For the first time in my life something feels so right.

Sustained by the previous day's good news, I went head first into an NCT sale and helped out for 4 hours, shifting a lot of my stuff.  Travel cot refused to sell, so I am putting it in the loft for another 6 months. Is that an omen?  Glad to report I felt no emotions seeing a few little babies around.  Only saw 2 preg women too which was good.  

the only thing that really ps me off is school on a Friday and seeing younger sibs.  That is only till next September though, as breakfast club and afterschool club will mean I will miss all the younger sibs. That will be my coping strategy especially if tx fails.  God there is one woman, I call her pram face, miserable cow never speaks.  She has a baby girl, older girl of 7, son of 5 and a boy dd's age.  I saw her going into a  jewellers Friday when i went to pick up dd at lunchtime.  God I work and I cant afford new jewellery.  Do the benefits service give out sovereign jewellery grants like uniform grant and housing benefit etc? 

Anyways love to all, Emsy, Lynda Lou, Pand and Faithful, Cinders

Jane
xx


----------



## Pand

Evening ladies,

Time to catch up I think!

Jane - Congrats on Spain contacting you!  When will you start tx?  I really hope it works for you!  Thank you for the note about the news thread.  You were right, there were some lovely messages.  

Suzy - Glad you are taking it easy and that dh is being so lovely.  You seem really positive and strong.  You set an excellent example to the rest of us. Still holding my breath and crossing everything... could get uncomfortable by the end of your 2ww!

FFH - Good to hear from you!  I wouldn't worry about missing my tv appearance... I don't look that great covered in snot and tears anyway!  Would have loved to have got the heartbreak of SIF across a bit more, but it's a step in the right direction.  So glad DH got another job!  You must be very relieved!  Hope you're all well.


Dustyrose - Love your "Keep on swimming" catch phrase!  Looks like we may end up cycling at the same time!  Will be nice to have some company on the rollercoaster!

Jo - I AM NOT!!!! You are doing so well hun.  Week one of down regging done.  It's gone really quickly so lets hope the next two do too.  Hope mum and dad had a good anniversary. By the way, how come your dad didn't come today?

Cinders - I think you must have been watching a different programme to me... I was a gibbering, snotty, blubbing mess!  I just wish I could have got more of the SIF message across.  Ah well.  How are you doing chick?  Is the melon behaving and wriggling well?  Miss you on here.

EmsyG - What a mystery?  Has the old witch turned up yet?  

WBG - I was really touched by your message.  Thank you.  You have all been such lovely friends on here for such a long time and through the worst time of my life.  I truly don't know what I would do without you all.


Lyndalou - I don't think you are colour blind, just blind if you thought I was beautiful!    But seriously, thank you for your lovely message too and your really kind words.  You have been through so much more than me though and it should be me giving you the hug! So here you go...   Where are you on your IF journey at the mo hun?

Lainey - How are you hun?  You going to be cycling soon too?  Hope you and lovely dd are ok.

Missyb - Love ya.

Hello to everyone else too.  Almost too many names to mention these days!  What a lovely thread we have!

A quick update on where we are at then.  DS is waiting to go on the computer!  It's been a very emotional and tiring week yet again.  AF finally arrived four days late on Thursday and DH is having a dreadful time at work with the boss from hell.  It just seems like life keeps throwing stuff at us to see how long it will take for us to break!  Well I had a couple of mid week meltdowns because I just couldn't think what else to do!  Thanks to Jo for listening to me and for the coffee cake to cheer me up!  I'm steadily working my way through it!  

Anyway, we have decided to do another cycle of IVF.  I booked in on Thursday and day 21 will be 27th October.  I have to say,  I'm not excited or particularly hopeful about it, but DH keeps saying we may as well give it a go, cos we could regret it if we don't in years to come.  I'm absolutely petrified of another failed cycle too and the result will be just before Christmas which isn't great timing.  But I've made a vow to try and be more positive about our life as a threesome and to do more creative things as they help to relax me.  Work has settled down a bit too and the woman who wanted to punch my lights out is now my best friend and comes in and chats every day after school for about half an hour!  

I'm not promising I will stick to being positive but I'm going to do my best!  Still haven't heard a thing from bil and sil.  They saw the programme on Tuesday but we have had no texts or messages of support.  Am still very angry about their complete lack of support for us after everything we have done for them.  But I've got to try and not let it get to me.  At least I have all of you who have been nothing short of wonderful.  

Thats all for now folks.  Try and have a good week everyone.

Lots of love
Pand


----------



## SUSZY

HI
Just a quickie!
Jane - you had me in stiches - you are soo funny - you really are and so pleased for you re hearing from spain fantastic.  Glad you had a good night at the tapas and that you enjoyed the fireworks, wish we had known about them as might have been good to drive down the road and have a look at them - never mind was stuck in front of the fire and tv!  We must meet up again soon.  Thanks for your support honey.

Pand - sorry you had such a bad week again honey but glad you have decided to go for another round, this really could be your chance honey and there is every chance it will work.  27th Oct will be here in no time, yes its not brill timing but if it works you will have a very sober christmas and be over the moon and if it doesnt you can get p....d every night and you will be off school for a week.  Glad you have made up with that woman but bet you could do without her coming into chat every night - its a good turn around though.  Thanks for your best wishes.

jobo good luck as pand says one week down so good luck for next week. Thanks for your support.

Thats it folks as did a long one the other night.
I still feel good and have been roaming around the site a bit as well meeting old friends which is nice but sad they are still in the same boat but we will survive and we will get there.


----------



## ramblingrose

Hi everyone. Just a quick message from me as I'm off to work shortly. Hope everyone is ok; hope you are ticking along Suszy and the wait is not too bad for you.

Pand and Jo - thinking of you, you are both dealing with stuff so well and seem better at 'just getting on with it' than I am. DH called me childish the other day, because I am seemingly going to pieces at prospect of new job, all the bad stuff I've had to deal with this year, forthcoming appt on Monday and DS' behaviour accelerating. oh, and hating where I live and having no friends close by. ****ing men.   

Having a very heavy AF which is making me feel a bit grim, and of course I have my appt on Wednesday; the follow up to my bad HSG results. Supposed to be starting my new job on 29th and as of yet am still undecided on what to do for the best.

Jane your post made me laugh; I have very similar thoughts when certain mothers at school/work start going on. Thankfully DS has started going himself to school now (it's just at the end of the road) so I miss the school gate kerfuffles. Shame that.    Someone I know is now expecting her 4th, DS' teacher is leaving soon to have her 5th,  my SIL is due her 2nd next month and a girl at work is going on maternity leave soon. Maybe I'll go and dig a hole in the mountains somewhere and hide so I can't see any bumps for a while.

Hi to everyone else, hope you have a good week.


----------



## Jane D

Hello All

Pand - I think you are wise to consider IVF and to do it before year end.  I think your husband's sentiments are spot on.  I can understand where you are coming from though.  Negative thoughts I guess are a safety mechanism so that we are not too shocked or surprised, but please keep positive for you and him, we never know what is going to happen.  

I admit I was guilty of being negative on my last IUI as I so wanted to do IVF to say I had at least tried.  As I sat having the catheter put in, I was asking if anyone had an easy jet timetable for Malaga. It was my safety mechanism.  |


Jobo  - good luck with the down regging. Not long to go now.

Suzy - glad you are relaxing by the fire.  Is it an open fire?  I imagine you are  sipping hot chocolate and toasting marshmallows in between typing on a lap top.  Yes we will meet again very soon.  Just let me know when and I will be there.

Hello to everyone else

Love

Jane


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## jobo5572

Hi everyone

Am typing this at work so I apologise in advance if it's all disjointed or doesn't make sense but I'm very aware of everyone behind me possibly peering over my shoulder  .

Dustyrose - good luck for your tx, whenever you start    

FFH - good news about DH's job.  How're you doing ?  

Suszy - hope DH is still pampering you....can you get him to call my DH as I expect I will have no pampering whatsoever from him after ET (if we get that far).  I'm more likely to get "what's your problem ?".  Hope you're looking after those little embies and they're snuggled up nice and tight for you    

Jane D - good news about the Ceram waiting list  .  Sounds like you had a lovely night out to celebrate.  Good luck to you   

Pand - bless you hun, you've been so supportive to me and I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart....I know you don't believe a word I say about you, but believe me, if you don't start listening to me, I will be appreciating you from the heart of my bottom instead  .  I am hoping and praying for better weeks to come for you my love as you've had cr*p weeks for way too long now - I know last week was a bad one - I still have the snot stains to prove it  .  I'm so proud of you for booking in at the Priory, as I know you've had your doubts/worries/anxieties etc. and that you're scared, but try an eensy teensy little bit to think of the positives hun....or better still listen to the advice that you give me !  Am right beside you right the way through hun.  You're helping me and I'll be helping you and somehow we'll both get through tx together.  As for bil and sil, their behaviour is totally unacceptable - leave them to their completely self-absorbed and selfish little world - they're really not worth bothering about.  You deserve so much better than their **** poor behaviour.  By the way, Dad's got a little p/t job at the weekends so that's why he didn't come with us on Sunday....or so he says.....perhaps he just wanted a break from the old bird - after all, if I'd been married to her for the past 40 years, I know I would  !  Thank you again for all your support - couldn't do it without you  .  Love you loads x

ramblingrose - you're not childish at all hun.  Men just don't get it.  SIF is bad enough to deal/cope with on its own, never mind with anything else on top of it.  Where abouts are you in the country ?  Have you looked on the different counties boards to see if there's others that you could meet up with ?  Or is there anything you enjoy doing that you could find other people through ?  Don't worry - we're all your friends.  And good luck for your appointment on Wednesday . p.s. can I come to that mountain with you ?!

Lainey - you OK hun ?  Thanks for your texts  

MissyB - are you OK ?

As for me, well I've done a week of D/Ring now and my head feels all fuzzy.  Have started to get the odd hot flush and am feeling quite grotty most of the time, but then a combo of PMT and the menopause was never going to be a good one  .  AF is due any day so hoping she comes and goes and we can get on with stimming 2 weeks today.  Starting to get the hang of the jabs (finally) but still can't quite get my head around the whole thing and why I've ended up in this position.  I just keep looking at my DS and being thankful that I was blessed with such a wonderful child, but it's always tinged with sadness as I so want to provide a sibling for him.  Having said that, starting school has turned him into a little grotbag, and he has attitude like a teenager sometimes.  I still love him to pieces though.

Had a bit of a scary moment earlier - the woman from work that I wrote about last week (I think) that has primary IF and has said about me "oh she's already got one" etc. via a mutual friend and who is now sitting behind me and I can feel the daggers in my back - well, we've both got a meeting up north next week so she has suggested and arranged that we car share all the way up there.  OMG  .  I am dreading it !  We have never discussed IF together (which is what our mutual friend had suggested to her) but I know all about her IF and I know she knows that I understand what IF is like.  Do I bring it up in the car ?  Do I wait and see if she does first ?  I'm driving and am going to be a nervous wreck !!! Eek.  Not to worry - I've got through worse than that !

Anyway folks, lunch time officially finishes at 2 so I'd better get off the net and look like I'm busy  .

Thanks to everyone for their supportive messages - they're really appreciated  

Love to all

Jo


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## SUSZY

Evening ladids

jobo   keep up the good work honey, you are doing so well, I will try with Dh but yours might surprise you as they are looking after the cargo inside!  You will make it to Stimming you will be fine,you are comping amazingly well just be prepapred for af to take her time just when you want her.

Pand -   honey hope you begin to feel more positive soon, this ivf could be the one - you have every chance, I must admit the sil and bil etc have been very remiss and not phoning you after that programme is unforgivable and I am so sorry they are not giving you the support your deserve esp after all you have done for them.  I just dont think people are as caring and considerate as us lot and I think I am going to save most of my compassion for you lot.  Here for you if you need to chat etc.  Know Jobo is looking after you but you are both going through stuff so you might need support from us lot too.

Jane   - will try and sort something soon, just glad you are here to cheer us up and that you are so positve, I posted on the other thread you did so hopefully those girls will join us although think I might have put them off with my brian dump.

Lainey    news re your tx.
Missy    what you up to honey you have gone quiet on us.
ffh    you are ok

Rambling      you sound like you need a big hug honey.  You have lots on your plate right now and sometimes those Dhs just dont seem to realise how painful and lonely this journey is esp when you are dealing with outside stuff as well.  Good luck for your job sweetheart you will do really well.  Good luck for your appt too.  Af always makes you feel down.
Dont forget we are here for you and will support you any way we can.

Dusty    hope you are ok and recovering form that terrible friend, I have really become strong these last few days and feel more indep and really adament not to let others get me down.  I am also getting a lot of comfort from FF at the mo esp SIF I always find keep ing a diary good.
nic hope you are ok   
wbg - hope you are ok   
embsy hope you are ok    any news?
Lyndalou any more thoughts honey on tx  
emma hope you are ok   
EC how are you   
Cinders how are you honey   
dizzylou hope you are ok  
 
Love to you all


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## wouldbegreat

Hi girls

I asked for more info where i had hycosy about where blockage was etc and i got a letter back a few days ago it said i would have to have a lap before having tubal unblocking as they would need to see if damage goes on down tube etc 

Another blow so if i would of egg shared i would have to pay for a op and if i go for tubal unblocking i would have to pay for a op first too  

To be honest i had already decided it would be a waste of time and money having unblocking done and i couldn't cope with egg share so there you go end of the road  

On a good note i am doing well at some courses and i am on the way to a ambition of mine  working with children i already do dinner times with them and i love it  it's so rewarding so i am  very busy and motivated  

I went away this weekend and was glad af never arrived as it would of been very inconvenient it is also very late cd40 tomorrow i have never been passed cd35 since op. I am not hoping i am pregnant as i have seen the evidence it will never happen . my body must of gone wierd now i am not trying for a baby anymore


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## emsylou

hi evryone
sorry i havnt posted in here for a while, have only been popping on evry now and again for 5 mins, so i just thought id stop by and say hi.

suszy- i see you test on the 16th? well i just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world, incase i dont manage to come on here before then. xxx

loads and loads of luck to evryone else xxx


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## EmsyG

Sorry, this is a real quickie as I need to get on with dinner.
AF arrived last night / this morning. Fairly horrendous and I can't figure out why it was so late as I know when I ov'd. Very frustrated and emotional. DP and I have chatted and decided that we're taking a 6 month break from the charting, obs and general stressingof ttc. My head is well and truly done in and I'm not feeling my normal bouncy happy self atm. I'm going back to weight watchers next Monday and I have a very good pal joining with me too for motivation, lovely girl. I want to lose about 4 st before my Birthday next April, so wish me luck. 
I shall be popping my head in now and again, but I wish you all well!  
Emma x


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## SUSZY

Evening ladies
Hope you are all ok.
Not staying for long but wanted to just put a couple of lines down.
Still feeling good and postive.
sending you all lots of love and healing     

pand you are on the countdown to your tx now all very exciting

jobo how are you sweetheart hope you are doing ok, will pop over and look at your diary

emma thank you so much that was very kind of you and hope you are ok we are thinking of you

Emsy so sorry about af but do understand you needing to take some time off, Soo good luck with WW I need to loose at least 2 or more stone and if this does not work i am determined to get there and stay there.  Thinking of you.

wbg sorry you are still have problems - its so unfair isn't it - sending you love and healing

hi to everyone else.
love susie


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## missyb

hi ladies!! how are we doing?

i didnt get a chance to come on to this thread yday as dp wanted to watcha movie and i was getting daggers  !

there is so much to catch up with on here that i really dont know where to start. first of all thank you to the golden girls who always remember me in their posts.. loving you guys big much.. you know who you are and im always thinking about you guys! (PUPO lady suzy, mad & lovely jobo, the gorgeous pand, preggy lady cinders and my darlin lainey-lou)

hi emsy.. so sorry that they witch arrived i had high hopes for you hun that maybe it was late implantation etc. i can totally understand why you are having a break. i had one for 4 mths and it did me the world of good.  


im going to have a quick update of my diary and then i best get off before col starts getting lap top separation anxiety!



amanda xx


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## Pand

Evening!

Just a quickie tonight! Couldn't read and run.  

WBG - How come you can't have your hydro removed or unblocking done on the NHS?  I had a hydro removed last year?  Oh god how awful for you.  Tell me to naff off for being dim, but I'm just so gutted for you.  Hope you find a way thro.

Suzy - Still not breathing.  Now feeling very dizzy!!!!!  And yes, we very much need you too.  Two wobbly people trying to support each other can't work on its own!  Love ya!

Missyb - So cool to hear from you.  Come back more often please!!!!!  Going to read your diary in a bit!

Emmsy - Really sorry about the witch turning up.  You must be gutted.  A break does help sometimes if nothing else but to give your emotional state a rest.  Good luck hun.

Jo - Still thinking of you but don't want to stalk you!  Love ya!

Love to everyone else (Cinders let us know how you are getting on chick).

Lots of love

Pand


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Suszy - loving your diary !  Can you please chuck some of your PMA my way hun as I am nowhere near finding any.  Still got everything crossed for you - even my leg hairs  .  Look after yourself    

WBG - sorry to hear that you think it's the end of the road  .  Why are they making you pay for the ops ?  Glad you've found some courses to fulfil your ambition - that sounds great.  Well done !

MissyB - so good to hear from you.  Your diary comments about your (.)(.) make me laugh  .  Hope you're OK hun  

emsyg - so sorry AF showed  .  Understand your need for a break.  Take care.

Pand - stalk me all you like my love  .  If it wasn't for you I'd be in a complete heap on the floor by now.  Thank you for continually picking me up - you must be very strong as I'm no lightweight !  Love you  

Thank you to all my FF's for your supoprt through my first IVF - I couldn't do it without you guys  

Have had a [email protected] evening - started by going to WW and only losing one pound which really p1ssed me off as I have stuck to it religiously whilst 2 friends have pigged out and got p1ssed and still lost more than me  .  Then DH has really wound me up by having sat at home for the past 2 days doing absolutely jack sh1t.  He is so ruddy lazy and thinks that "days off" are for sitting on your backside doing nothing - well chance would be a fine thing.  I NEVER have "days off", thanks to him.  I work my @rse off 5 days a week, run the house, sort out all the bills, do all the housework, bring up my DS and feed/clothe him etc. etc. and he has the audacity to sit there and wonder why I'm flying off the handle after he's done nothing  .  I can do more around the house in an hour than he can do in an entire day or two.  Men !!!!  God help me after EC (if I get that far) - Suszy, please can I borrow your DH ?!  I am trying so hard not to get stressed out 'cos of him but I just can't help it.  I have tried the nicey nicey approach (as I'm accused of being a nagging ***** all the time) but even that doesn't work.  I give up - I'm run ragged, tired, exhausted, and full of ruddy hormones !  AF was due yesterday/today and hasn't showed - typical eh ?  When you don't want her she shows up, and when you do she doesn't.  Ruddy witch !  Know she's on her way and was told that the jabs would more than likely delay her but still finding it very cruel as there's always that glimmer of hope at the back of my mind that this may just be the month - stooooopid girl  !

Am off to bed now as I am so tired.

Love to all

Jo


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## wouldbegreat

Hi 
Thanks for your replay's i haven't been back to the doctors since i had the hycosy private    I didn't realise i am entitled to any help as i have children i thought that was it. The doctors prob wouldn't help me as i live somewhere where we have no fertility specialist just a small unit in main hospital i properly will struggle to get help although i see you have right to choose where you go now  

Pand i really didn't know this and i need to pluck up the courage to go to doctors and get referred i am scared of getting my hopes up again   and frightened of rejection it is worth a try i wish you could come with me i feel like a fish out of water thats why i have put it off    What do i say as i feel my doc knows nothing about fertility problems ?

I will see if i can get a appointment tonight  

UPDATE 
My af arrived after 41 days  
I have an appointment tomorrow with another female gp i was told on the phone that i proberly won't get funding as i am in the wrong area to get it (postcode lottery ) JUST MY LUCK


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## Pand

WBG,

Your doctors sound dreadful!!!!  What area do you live in?  

I had a hydro in my left tube 18 months ago.  It was causing me lots of pain too.  We hadn't got as far as IVF at that stage and allegedly my right tube was open (ha ha ha!).  I was referred to a gynaecologist who told me that they can drain the hydro but the likelihood is it would fill up again, and the tube would be so damaged that if it was opened I would likely end up with an ectopic.  Because it was causing me pain they removed it via a laporoscopy, leaving my one functionning tube and that was all on the NHS.  Now I'm absolutely sure that you have every right to have an operation to remove the hydro tube at the very least on the NHS especially as you are in pain with it.  I'm not sure about the unblocking, but it seems to me if they are operating on the hydro tube why couldn't they unblock the other at the same time? Or at the very least assess the damage to it?  I'm not expert but perhaps you should post on the Peer Support thread and see if anyone else has any experience of this?  There is also a hydro thread they may be able to give you some more advice.  You don't have to suffer.  I'm sure you won't get any funding for the IVF if you already have children cos I don't know anywhere that does that, but depending on how old you are you could consider egg sharing which reduces the cost of IVF drastically, then you could fund it by using a 0 per cent credit card and just transferring the balance at the end of the offer period.  There's got to be something you can do.

I really hope this has helped hun.

Lots of love

Pand


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## ramblingrose

Hi everyone.

Well I had my appointment today. Saw a nice woman doc who more or less told me what I already knew, apart from they don't think there is any point in me having a laparoscopy. Reason being they don't think they would be able to do anything to help my chances, and even if they could it wouldn't really make that much difference as my tubes would be knackered anyway. So I'm she told me the next step from here is straight onto IVF if we decide to progress with it, and she gave me a sheet with contact details on for the various hospitals, Liverpool being the main one (which I knew). Also told me we wouldn't get any NHS funding (which we knew).

Going to have to think about it all and exactly what we want to do and if we want to do it, how the hell we pay for it. Not sure what I'm thinking really, just letting it sink in. I do feel devastated that my lovely DS might grow up without a brother or sister and I will never ever know what it's like seeing my 'kids' play together, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to go through the rollercoaster that is IVF. It just feels really bloody unfair. It's the old cliche, you never think it's going to happen to you.

I'd really appreciate anyone's thoughts or advice while I'm letting this sink in and work out what to do. Love to you all and hope you're having a better time of it.

Vicki  x


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## wouldbegreat

Hi

Thanks for the advice i am going to the doctors at 6.30 a lady who i have never meet   i did try to cancle this morning but they wouldn't let me   

I am very scared and am not sure what i want i think i should ask to have the hydro tube removed then at least if i decide to have ivf or tubal unblocking of other side i could go for either without having to have surgery twice .

I am 34 so as for egg share i don't have long left and not sure i could cope . But who knows in the future i may want ivf i may win lottery lol and at least the hydro tube would be gone  

It's so confussing i should also have a fsh test so i know if eggs are any good too


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies - didn't want to read and run.....

ramblingrose -  .  I remember all too well the appointment I had when I was told IVF was our only option - I cried bucketfuls, make that swimmingpool-fulls  .  I just didn't believe it was happening to me and I couldn't believe that IVF was the only option so I completely empathise with where you're coming from hun.  Albeit I'm in a different position (in that my tubes seem clear from the HSG) they still can't provide me with an explanation of why I can't conceive naturally - I asked about a laparoscopy too as I'd love to know what is going wrong in there but was told it was pretty much pointless and was told that if anything, it would just leave me with even more scar tissue than I have already from my C section which would bugger up my chances of ttc anyway.  We can't afford IVF (most of it will be going on a credit card) but I couldn't just give up - I felt I had to give it a shot as I knew that otherwise I'd always be wondering "what if".  I know my chances of success are slim to none but I just had to try, and I now find myself 11 days into it and I'm still sh1tting myself and can't quite believe this is happening to me  . I also still can't get my head around thinking that my DS will be an only child and will not have a sibling and it upsets me on pretty much a daily basis so am completely with you on that one and I know other ladies on here are too.  Sorry hun, I don't know if my ramblings are helping but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that you will find lots of support and advice on here. I couldn't have got this far if it weren't for my ff's.  Lots of love to you and a big  

WBG - well done on booking an appointment - let us know how you got on.  I see Pand's given you some great advice.

Suszy - been reading your diary hun - are you OK ?  Men really do live on a different planet.  If mine was more interested in trimming a bush ( ) than spending time with me then I'd batter him  .  Don't worry about coping with one or two more children - you're a fantastic mother and you will be to how ever many children you have  .

Hi to everyone else.  Just a quickie I'm afraid as DS is about to get out of the bath.

As for me, well AF arrived this morning, joy of joys.  There was ever such a teensy weensy glimmer of hope at the back of my mind as I was 2 days late (how stupid am I ?!) but I knew that I wasn't pg and that the buserelin would no doubt delay AF anyway.  At least we can still be on target now for the baseline scan - who'd ever think that I was "pleased" for Af to have arrived ?!

Lots of love to all.

Must go !

Love Jo x


----------



## Jane D

Hello

Rambling rose - I had a low point last year, when it was clear that me conceiving naturally was very unlikely.  I had a rubbish christmas, didnt sleep welll and lost half a stone in 5 days.  I got all my grief out then.  i wrote down my thoughts then and revisited them a few months ago.  I now see what I wrote in a different perspective and when I re did the exercise a few weeks ago, and wrote how I  was feeling, it did seem like I was not having as many negative thoughts.  The decision to do IVF is not easy, but I think if you can, you know that you did all you could in your power to have another child.

I am currently living in a half real world.  A foot in the treatment door and a foot in the only child door too.  I am surrounding myself with positive people.  I actually sat down and thought today about how many one child families there were that I knew and I thought of my nurse at hospital who has a lovely daughter who is doing well, the counsellor who I belive has one child, my good mate Nat and her son, my god daughter, a very close work mate, and my boss with one child due to placenta previa, a child hood friend, now a dentist, a uni pal now big in accounting in the city, and do you know what apart from being only kids - they are all hugely successful.  I draw a lot of comfort from that.


If you go for Liverpool, I hope you are not waiting too long.  Did not realise you were in North Wales.  I am on the North east borderlands side.  If you are up that way Suzy and I meet in Chester so you may want to join us next time we meet.

Suzy - bush trimming - that sounds funny.  Must read the diary. Hope you are ok.

Jobo - glad everything going to plan regarding tx.

WBG hope you get on ok with your appointment.


Today I was off work as dd puked last night.  She was ok but banned from nursery.  Decided to do a bit of catch up with business and went and got the pill from sexual health clinic as my spots are annoying me.  I know it is crazy going on the pill, but I have to get rid of the spots.  the nurse was lovely and I told her about deivf and she said if she was 30 years younger she would donate today.  Spain emailed and said all well with the list and that it may be less than 6 months now.
Counsellor rang.  There was a dscrepancy over billing and we agreed that I would not see her until I had had deivf nexst year.  She was really sweet and wished me well.

Meant to go to the gym now, so will have to go.

Love to all

Jane


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## wouldbegreat

Hi

Had my appointment and she was lovely she is writing to get advice from the gyneo at the hospital to see what he thinks i should do she is leaving it anonymous so we have options .We did discuss having my tube removed due to pain but she also thought about having the hydro removed too she could see what a dilemma i was in and felt unsure on the best way forwed especially if i could afford ivf one day .

She wasn't sure what way to go with it so we didn't blow my chances of a lap on nhs so fair play to her for that .Thats why she decided to get some advice first   I asked if i could have a fsh test as i didn't want to go through all this if my egg reserve wasn't good   although i am pretty sure its ok she agreed and i will do one on cd19 I'm cd2 What should the result be i have no idea ?

I am going back to see her when the gyneo has written to her she also advised me to look for somewhere to be referred as i have a choice now but i haven't a clue


----------



## ramblingrose

Hiya again folks.

Jane and Jo, thanks so much for your words of wisdom/comfort./advice. I can identify with a lot of what you both have said. I really feel in my heart I want to give it a try, but my head is telling me maybe I should start adjusting to not having any more, and that I am maybe not strong enough physically or mentally to go through it all. I suffer from arthritis and am scared of what implications dealing with the 2 things together will have. I've had a very hard year - spent the first half of it helping my grandad through intensive cancer treatment, have had other stuff going on with DS etc, and I am at a bit of a low ebb when I seemed to be dealing with it so well at the time   And now I am starting a new job in under 3 weeks time I am worrying about that and how on earth I can juggle all that with IVF. 

But the thought of not even trying and calling it a day absolutely kills me. I know 3 people who IVF has worked for (in fact I don't know anyone who it hasn't worked for - which being my negative self makes me think that person is going to be me!!)  I think the whole idea of thinking about contented people who have only children is a great one, Jane. Problem is I don't know anyone! All of my friends and family have 2 or more children; and even going back generations there has been no-one either on mine or my DH's side as far as I can see who has had only one child - so that's a toughie for me.

Even though I knew all of this about 6 weeks ago after my HSG, hearing the hospital more or less tell you they can do nothing more and you will not ever have another child without help was horrible. I think maybe subconsciously I was thinking they might tell me they had made a mix up!  

I really want this so much for my DS. He would be a brilliant older brother, in many ways it would be the making of him. I have dreamed about seeing his face light up when we tell him he is going to have a brother or sister, it's something we take for granted, isn't it, until we realise there's a problem.    I long to hold a baby in my arms and see my children growing up together, and to go on holidays when he isn't alone when other kids are playing with their siblings.

no one in my family understands. My own mother (the most unmaternal woman on the planet) has told me she doesn't know what the hell I want another one for (her words), and I get nothing from my inlaws (who I live beside) as one SIL has 2 already, the other is about to drop with her 2nd, and my MIL had 3 kids herself and is generally not interested in me(she would be if this was happening to her own daughter, but lets not go there....)

Jane I would love to meet with you and Suzy if it was at all possible. I travel over that way occasionally (and through it all the time when I go and see my family in the NE) so let me know when you meet and I will try and come along. (I promise I'm not this miserable in real life all the time!!!!)

I'm really sorry this is all about me. What a selfish cow I am! I promise to come back tomorrow and see properly how you all are. I know I'm not the only one and you all are suffering too. Hugs to you all.

xxx

xxx


----------



## jobo5572

ramblingrose - you're not being selfish at all hun.  Pouring your heart out on here is what we're here for.  Have a good think about what you want to do and don't rush into anything or feel pressured either way.  I could've written the bit you said about your DS myself as I feel exactly the same.  As for family, don't go there  !!  Think me, you & Pand could have a thread on its own all about that !  My mother keeps telling she doesn't know what my problem is - I have a wonderful son and can't I just be happy with him, my sister drops sprogs like they're going out of fashion and finds them all an inconvenience, and as for my MIL....ooooohhh.....she has 2 daughters (as well as my DH) and thinks the world of them but couldn't give 2 sh1ts about me (the feeling's mutual love !) - she once said to me years and years ago "are you going to have kids ?" - when I replied "yes", she said "oh well, it won't be the same as you're not my daughter" ?!?!!?!  What the ?  Stupid woman  .  Any child of mine is also 50% her own son !!  One of her daughters has a DD (and didn't even want her) and she worships the ground she walks on - as for my DS, I can't even remember the last time we saw them.  Also, she was all distressed once as her other DD had been trying for a baby for a couple of months and it wasn't happening.  DH told them about 6 months ago that we were going for IVF and she just said "oh" and changed the subject !!!  Sorry, didn't mean to start ranting about my family woes, but again, you're not on your own and we're all here to help and support you and we're all your friends with one child !!! Chin up  

WBG - your appt sounds like it went well.  Good luck for the GP's advice results.

Jane D - like your list of one child people - I may do that myself !  Hope DD is better


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## SUSZY

Evening ladies
     

jobo - thanks for your kind words - I was in a mood with hiim last night and knew I would think about it all the time unless I wrote it down. I do find that diary very therapeutic and it really helps to get things down.  Trouble is we do live in a nice house with a big garden and cannot afford to pay people to do the work so we both know its a big time commitment and he mainly does it but sometimes he is so brutal and focused.  Anyway Mum can have ds for sat and half sunday and I am going to do a course with my meditating lady and have two huge lies in and will lull myself to sleep with the noise of the hedge trimmer! to be honest when he does it the garden is transformed and we can help to rake it up.  

jane - you are so wise you know and very switched on, you have become so sorted and wish you could pass some on to me!! You are so right about how we see things in diff perspectives depending on our moods and I am beginning to tell this more and more.  I am finding my night class very good for focusing on pos stuff and other things in my life and just getting on with it instead of talking about it.  I dont know many with only child in my groups and nearly all of them bar one have 2 or more children but sub consciously I am keeping more in contact with friends who live away who have one child and am making a real effort with them.  Think you are lucky you know so many and its good you are looking at the positive side.  I notice you did not mention the whole of the 2ndry thread as your friends! when I finish the book about the seven common sins will loan it to you, I have a few people I think could benefit from reading it inc my parents!

pand how you are feeling - hope you are looking forward to tx. Have a lovely restful weekend.  any news for bil and sil?? parents etc.
was really proud of ds today he stood in front of assembly with the basket of home produce he got from my step fathers and spoke to the whole school, still cannot believe it , he did not tell us a friend rang a told me.  feeling so much happier about him, I really feel its his time at the moment , he is coming out of his shell, he is getting better at work and enjoying it and the private lessons are worth their weight in gold. I am so pleased and relieved.

rambling - i did not realise you were so close either and we can always come over your way perhaps we could meet one weekend soon just or a cuppa or somthing - would be lovely to meet you.  I know how you feel about ivf I know when we first saw the consultant I just dismissed it saying I did not need ivf as had conceived a few times no problem except for recently and I had a friend who was telling me just to go for it but I was not ready and was following the claimed/iui path but now wish I had gone straight for it with my eggs back in jan 05 but now it seems the most normal and acceptable thing to do.  I know I have had the easy part as have reacted well to the down regging and meds and have never suffered that much from any side effects and I have not had to do the stimming or the EC which I think can be a bit harder but I have found it really good and almost enjoyable because you are doing something.  Yes its stressful waiting to see the scans for the lining and how many eggs and the fertilisation adn the cells and the quality but its so good to do something and to achieve something.  I am sure you will sail through it if thats what you decide to do.
good luck sweetheart and if you want to meet just let us know.

wbg - meant to say how lovely your photo picture is, so sorry you seem to be having a hard time with all your stuff and glad that Pand is so knowledgable and can help you, thats what is so great about this site there is always someone who can help and support one.

missy hope you are ok sweetheart - we are your golden girls!

lainey do hope that af arrives sooon so you can get on with it

cinders hope you are ok honey

love to everyone else sorry not doing everyone tonight, feeling bit tired, not sure whether should get too excited and not sure if boobs are sensitive you know how it is as it could just be the meds. I have had a great week though as have been out and about every day, lunches and cuppas (have not told dh half of it due to the money as been to some really nice restaurants!) and by keeping busy its been great, also dh has helped with putting ds to bed every night and done his own tea a few nights and just doing a bit more than normal (although he did annoy me last night so he is not that perfect) but I have been able to rest at night which is good.
the only thing is I am spending a lot of time on here at night so really need to cut that down.

lots of love to you all


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## Jane D

Hi All

Suzy - god yes how could I forget all my mates on here!!  Sorry folks.  I was thinking outside this lovely protective bubble.  I think you are right nurturing relationships with the one child families I think they appreciate it and can really chill out.  My mate M has a ds at school and knows two ladies who have one child and have sif.  They are lovely ladies and the girls are brilliant cute things.  I am not supposed to know but told mate if they ask for help, i am happy to be there for a cuppa.  Despite my support network, the saddest thing about my situation is my parents dont support deivf.  My mil and fil are great and are supporting us all the way.  Of course they dont have to mourn the loss of more bio grand kids, but they have been stars by keeping quiet and not commenting.  Hope all going well with you.  must meet again soon.


jobo - hope all going well with the meds.  Sorry to hear about relatives, the mil.  That is just not on.  Every daughter, daughter in law needs support and equal love.

Rambling rose, would love to meet up with you and Suzy soon.  PLease let us know poss dates and times.  You need a cuppa and I promise to raise a laff about something.  I saw a prog about sad american men buying wives in ukraine the other night with Gail Porter.  They were gross and Gail nearly heaved at their bo!!!!

Pand good luck with the tx.


Hope everyone else ok out there.  we are all wonderful and we all have lovely bright well behaved children - our true angels.



May post later

Love

Jane
xx


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## Jane D

Hiya folks,

Bit of a me post sorry:
Got nothing to do with SIF, just my family who I need the most right now.

Something awful happened earlier today.  My mum was horrible to me regarding our choice to educate dd at welsh medium school - dh is welsh speaker.  Out of the blue she asked me why myparents in law speak Welsh to dd and don't speak English to her.  I said dd is lazy welsh speaker and needs practice. I asked her what her problem was - didnt respond and I said "don't you approve?" she said no so I said "I dont honestly care if you don't approve anyway."  Came home and cried my eyes out.  The likes of which I have not done since last December.  I have not told them school is all welsh as I will get unwanted comments and opinions, so they will never join in with the school or see plays etc.  then added to this is their condemnation of DEIVF.  When I foolishly told them last December the response was horrid.  They went on about how they did not like it and that it would be Spanish and that Spaniards are descended from arabs - no s*it sherlock yeah 700 years ago.  That was dreadful and never mentioned it since, but I think mum suspects as she is bloody psychic and always knew what I was up to as a teenager. She probably is suspicious why i am bearing up so well.  Our intention, endorsed by counsellor is not to tell them a thing, but I am sure she will guess.  Sorry folks just really upset about this feel like I cannot be honest with them anymore and it guts me.  they adore dd, but they cannot tell me what to do.

Sorry will resume normal self tomorrow


Love

Jane


----------



## ramblingrose

First of all I must say I have had a very trying day as my PC crashed and we have lost everything from it    
So forgive me if this is short but I've had enough of this *%$^&*! computer today! it's taken me hours to get this far.....and we've lost lots of important documents and photos which I hadn't backed up as our DVD drive has been playing up!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, back to the important matters of fertility!

Thanks for your lovely words Jo, Suzy and Jane. What a load of lovely ladies. Jane, it is so weird as I've been in a very similar conversation with my family about the Welsh-speaking thing ( a couple of years ago when DS first started) as it is the same for me - we are in a very 'Welsh' part of wales, DH and all his family are Welsh speaking, and I thought it's be ideal for him to learn it now as it's so much harder as you get older to learn it (I tried and failed!!)

So tell them all to bog off and do it your way (sounds like you did that anyway!) and pride yourself on not being as ignorant as they are!

I've had an up and down day today again. The PC crashing put the tin hat on it all     At times I feel I'm cracking up with the pressure but I poured myself a glass of wine earlier and all is well now  

Suzy - I really hope it is good news for you; that would be lovely, so I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Would be lovely to meet up with you and Jane sometime, definitely so we can have a mutual bonding session  

Jo - your mother in law and mine would get on well! LOL My inlaws are currently stressing over the fact that my SIL (their daughter) is due to have baby no. 2 in a few weeks and hasn't got her house fully decorated yet..!!! Err...hello...?!!!!.meanwhile back on Planet Earth!   And it does sound like we might have the same mother too......but I won't get started on her  now or I'll be here til tomorrow morning 

lots of love to everyone I haven't mentioned as well; hugs to you all.

Vicki  x


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## lainey-lou

hi all

Quickie from me, on iPhone and its not that easy to type.

WBG - FSH tests need to be done on cd 2 or 3 to be of any use.  You would expect the result to be less than 10 for it to be considered normal.  Please don't do it cd 19, it won't mean anything.

Susie - hey PUPO!  How are you?  Still feeling positive?  I have everything crossed for you x

Pand - sorry to hear your family are still being crap, they don't deserve you, you are so special and lovely.  We will be cycle pals, we can go mad together!

Jo - glad to hear the jabs are getting easier.  I can't believe what your mil sad to you, what a cow.  I would have headbutted her   you are doing brilliantly and are so brave x

rambling - sorry to hear that they can't repair your broken bits.  I remember being told my eggs had had it, it takes time to recover and make a decision about the next step x

Missy - good to hear from you.  Pand said something about an important date, what have I missed?

Dusty - your friend sounds vile.  I have dropped a couple of friends since having SIF, they were not worthy of me and this girl is not worthy of you x

Cinders - how are you preggers lady?  Love ya x

Lyndalou - are you ok after your ordeal?  How awful, there are some scumbags about x

Hi to Emma, Emsy and everyone else I've missed.

I am due to start IVF as soon as next cycle arrives, should be about a week and a half.  Went for an antral follicle scan which showed I had 8 antrals, more than I've ever had before.  Cons asked what I had been doing to have such great looking ovaries, I told her I had been taking DHEA.  She got all moral on me and said that I should stop taking it as there is no conclusive research on its benefits.  I pointed out that she had said herself that my ovaries look great and that I would certainly not stop taking it and that if she didn't want to treat me that was fine and I would go and find someone who would.  She completely backtracked and is now going to treat me.  I was very proud of myself for standing firm.

I went to visit my Dad's grave on Thursday and some low- life had stolen his metal plaque.  I was advised not to replace it as it will only get stolen again.  Apparently they are stolen and sold for scrap.  What is the world coming to?  I was really upset.  Nothing is sacred these days

Well, that's me!

love to you all.

Lainey x

sorry, Jane, missed you off.  Families are funny, I thought my mum would be anti donor and she was really positive about it.  You have to do what is best for you and your family, stuff everyone else, they just don't understand.  We are all here for you lovie x


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## Pand

Evening ladies,

Lainey-lou - Would be lovely to cycle with you hun.  So sorry to hear about those pathetic,little, vandalising gits taking your dad's plaque.  That's really awful.  I'm not surprised you were upset.  Good news about your ovaries tho hun.  Wish I could say mine were in a decent state but I doubt it!!!!!

Susie - Hun, you have been so amazingly brave and positive.  I am so impressed with you!  I wish I could be more like you.  I so hope it works for you chick.  Stil not breathing.

Jo - So which colours are you then?  Are you an autumn, summer, spring or winter girl?  Have made my first piece of silver jewellery today.  Don't think I will ever make a business out of it, but I'm really pleased with the result!!  This hobby is going to cost me a fortune!


RamblingRose - I am so very sorry to hear that IVF is your only option.  I can remember my consultant telling me my best chance was IVF as I'm missing one tube and the other is b**gered!  It felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet.  I couldn't believe it was happening to me and I still rage against the injustice of it all.  Without question it is one of the most devastating pieces of news you can give to a woman, but unfortunately only women who have been on the receiving end of it will truly understand your pain.  What you've said about not wanting your child to grow up alone and having to let go of your dreams of children playing together on holiday are all things I have said at some point on here.  It still hurts like hell now, but I think eventually I will get past it.  I really hope you do too.  In the meantime, we are all here for you through IVF or whatever path you choose to take.  As for your family I can truly sympathise too.  As Jo mentioned, I don't have the best relationship with my own mum (although to be fair to her she has tried really hard to be as supportive as she can since my mc), and as for my in-laws at the moment I could merrily swing for every single one of them.  It's a very long story, but suffice to say everyone has to drop everything and support my BIL and SIL when anything goes wrong for them, but when it comes to us no one bothers.  I will talk about it more at the bottom of my post but I am very hurt and angry about how I've been treated, rightly or wrongly.  Families!!! Who'd have them eh?  I find that my friends have been a much better support through our IF especially those from here!

Jane D - Ditto above really.  Can't believe your family are being so awful.  But at the end of the day, what you decide for your children is up to you, and stuff what anyone else thinks.  You know best.  You're their mum.  I know it hurts when they judge you and don't support you, but you have to find your own path and they will just have to reconcile their own feelings.  I'm really sorry it's making you so angry and upset.  I'm with you on that one at the moment!!!

WBG - Sounds like you have found a good GP at last!! Stick with her hun.  I really hope she sorts it all out for you!

Cinders - Still think of you lots.  Hope you are getting really fat now!!!! 

Missyb- How are you hun?  How's the evil clomid treating you?  I've finished now thank god.  Three months and nothing.  Quelle surprise!!!!!

Lyndalou - How you doing chick?

Bubs, Emma, Emmsyg, and anyone else I have forgotten to mention, hi to you all!!! 


Right, update:

Have had another trying week.  DH is probably going to have to go back onto shifts (earlies, lates, nights, weekends) soon to escape his evil boss.  I'm really sad our family time is going to become even more scarce than it already is, but we don't have any choice really.  Looks like DH may not be home for Xmas either.  DS has been an absolute toad at school all week and we have had to tell him off every night so far this week (except for Friday) which has been miserable cos all I look forward to at the end of a hard day is cuddles and love with my little man.

I just feel so tired and worn out at the moment.  DH spoke to his brother last night.  They haven't phoned us at all except to tell DH the other week that their early scan had gone ok.  They never phone to see how we are.  They still haven't mentioned or apologised for not bothering with the anniversary of our mc and they never texted or phoned after seeing us on the Channel 4 programme either.  It's like they just don't give a toss.  They are pregnant and don't want us to burst their bubble so they just avoid us.  They don't think my mc counts compared to what they went through and don't seem to think I have any right to feel so down about our loss.  I am so angry and hurt I'm not sure if I can even be bothered to take flowers to their baby's grave this year.  I've always made sure we take flowers on the day she was born (at 20 weeks with Edwards), and also at Christmas.  But they couldn't even be bothered to text or phone us on the day that we lost our baby?  I know what they went through was awful and I would never want to go through what they went through, but they have gone on to have a healthy little boy and are now pregnant with their second.  I will probably never be pregnant again and when we lost our baby last year at 10 weeks, we didn't just lose a baby, we lost all our hopes and dreams of having any more children, knowing damn well that they likelihood was we would never conceive again.  That makes my pain just as justifiable as theirs but of course because they only have to sneeze to get pregnant they have no understanding of how painful infertility is.  Neither do DH's parents who also haven't bothered with us since DH told them how hurt we were that they hadn't supported us on that date either.  

I'm hurting so much at the  moment.  I have to watch them growing their pregnancy, moving on and having a second child and I will have to do the right thing and be a good aunty and be pleased for them.  But all I feel at the moment is resentment and jealousy.  It's a horrible way to live and feel and I hate myself for it.  I wish I could rise above it and be more magnanimous but I'm hurting so much I just can't seem to bring myself to feel like it.  I want another baby.  I will never have one.  All my friends and family will... why me?

Sorry to go on.  Just feeling so deeply unhappy at the moment.  I'm functionning on a daily basis but I just feel so miserable all the time.  I feel like we are living under a curse and have been for three years and there is no end in sight.  Nothing is going right for us as a family and I don't know how to change it.    The other night, I just sat and cried because I didn't know what else to do.

Day 21 is creeping ever closer and I'm so not looking forward to it.  The ways things are for us at the moment, I just know that an IVF cycle won't work either.  I really do feel like someone has cursed us.  Does anyone know how to lift curses?  I'm not saying that I don't think IVF would never work, but with the way life is going and has been for so long, I just can't see that anything good is going to happen.

Sorry for being such a misery guts.  On a happier note, I have discovered silver clay and have made my first piece of jewellery.  It is very satisfying and I can see me spending a fortune on this hobby!  

Anyway must stop rambling.

Speak soon everyone,

Love and hugs

pand


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Suszy - thanks for your texts and PM hun . Your support means a lot to me. Glad your DH is still behaving and helping out so much - I _really _ need to borrow him as mine is an @rse of the arsiest possibility. He is working tonight so at least I won't have his lazy backside anywhere near me to wind me up . How're you feeling ?       

Jane D - I'm sorry to hear that your parents don't support DEIVF and I can't believe your mum was so horrible regarding your choice of school for your DD. OK, so everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there's ways of saying/expressing things so as not to cause upset or hurt, or there's the other option of keeping ones opinion to oneself which she could've done. DD is yours, not theirs, and you're right that they cannot tell you what to do where DD is concerned. My parents take great delight in putting me down WRT my mothering skills (well in fact everything I do, including breathing) and the way I bring up DS and don't engage their brains before they speak. It drives me to despair. I sometimes feel like asking my mother what she would've felt like if her mother had been breathing down her neck and disagreeing with everything she did when she was bringing me up. It makes me so mad. You stick to your guns hun. I haven't even told my mother I've started IVF tx - she knows we're going for IVF but not any dates etc. as she would just turn it all around to be about her, plus she would tell every man and his dog and the whole world would know my business. Grrr. Come and join me, ramblingrose and Pand on the annoying mothers thread !

Lainey - how awful that some little scrotes have done that to your dad's grave - that's despicable . Good luck for your tx in a few weeks - good news so far from your antral follie scan, and I'm so impressed with you for standing firm with the GP !! Go Lainey !!

ramblingrose - when are we starting our separate thread on annoying mothers  ?!! Sorry about your PC - are you sure you've lost everything ? I'm sure there's ways and means of getting things back - hope you can.

Pand - oh Pand my love, I really feel for you . I have started to write a book - you know the "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" ? Well mine's called "Pand is from Venus, Pand's DH's family are from Mars" . Joking aside hun, as I've said to you many a time, DH's family are way way way bang out of order and very insensitive, selfish, self-absorbed people that don't deserve to be related to you or DH who are both such lovely, caring and thoughtful people. WRT Bambi's grave etc., I really don't know what to suggest - I know you've always visited the grave and done special things to remember her by at special dates, and part of me wants you to carry on doing that as that is the person that you are - thoughtful, caring and sensitive - after all, why stoop to their level and do nothing ? It's not Bambi's fault - do it for her, not them. I think being the kind of person you are, you'll regret it if you don't do something. Bil and Sil certainly don't deserve all the love you have and all your kind thoughts and gestures, but your little niece does. Rise above Bil and Sil and show them what thoughtful people are like - perhaps they could take some tips from it ? Like thinking of others except for themselves perhaps ? I know you were texting when DH was on the phone to his brother and relaying the [email protected] he was coming out with - absolutely unbelievable. Yes, they're pg and sil has a new job - so f'ing what ? There are other people in the world apart from them and it's about time they started to think outside of their cosy little bubble. I still cannot believe how you have been there so much for them and they can't do one little bloody thing for you - it utterly disgusts me. I also cannot believe they haven't even commented on the Ch4 programme - unless they're just too embarrassed by their disgusting behaviour. Feeling resentment and jealousy towards their pg and ability to conceive is not nasty or horrible - it's perfectly natural for anyone suffering from IF so stop beating yourself up. I won't go on...I will save it for my book, but I really wish they weren't eating away at you like they are, as it is destroying you hun.
As for DH and his job - that boss of his is also way out of order and a bullying ***** that doesn't deserve the position she's in. You must remember though that she probably (deservedly) leads a very sad little life as most bullies do. She is not worth it and she should not get away with getting DH (and you) down. If DH ends up going back on shifts, you can join my "abandoned wives" club as I obviously know what it's like to have a DH on shifts - mind you, it's probably a good thing that mine is out at work so much. He doesn't do "family time" - it brings him out in a cold sweat. He does "DH time" though - constantly ! It's a shame you'll miss out on family time as I know how much you guys like that - I know it's no consolation, but me and DS can become your extended family and we can have family days out instead ! I'm sure most people think DS has a single mother as they never see DH with us. DH is also working over Christmas - and New Years Eve - marvellous. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but you are not alone. And I won't make you go and spend it with DH's family as I know you need to definitely avoid them.
I know day 21 is looming, but like you've been telling me, you must just take it one step at a time and not look too far ahead. Take the tx as it comes with all the love and support from me and all your other FF's and we will get you through it and be with you all the way. You have so much getting you down at the moment but try not to put the thought of tx into that basket as well. As for curses, I have no idea hun, or I wouldn't be in this sh1tty boat myself. As soon as I find a cure I'll pass it on.
Looking forward to seeing your jewellery making skills - you are such a talented lady ! Also looking forward to banging our DS's heads together tomorrow as they have both been little buggers this week haven't they ? Much as we love them to pieces, they don't half try us at times.
You know where I am hun when you need to offload. Love you to bits  You have been so helpful and supportive to me and I couldn't do it without you 

Me ? My fingers now ache and I'm ruddy starving so am off to make my tea !! Nothing much to report of any interest. Same [email protected] different day I'm afraid.

Love to you all.

Jo


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## missyb

hi ladies just a quickie from me as id better be social.


hi lainey... how spooky i was thinking abt you today and text cinders for your number.. like i said my phone took a bit of an impromptu bath and i lost alotof my numbers! im so sorry to hear about your dads grave.. i'd be devastated like you and want to do the b$sta%ds some harm (and i'd probably be the one that got arrested!). good luck with the ivf hun     some serious praying for you. well done you for standing up to the gp!!!


hi pand.. aww sweetheart.. they weren't wrong when they said that you can choose your friends but not your family... i really think at times that they dont have a clue. you'd have thought that after what they-ve been through they would understand what you've gone through and be as understanding and considerate as you have been to them, it's like they are blind to your pain  . i wish i knew how to lift the curse.. maybe we should google it and come up with suggestions.. hey i found a fertility dance thing on there... like that f&&king worked (please excuse the tourettes!) i'm sorry about dh and his shifts it sucks that he is having to change because of his boss!  i think that you need lots of tlc at the moment, please dont be too hard on yourself.     

hi suzy... how are you doing? im going to go and read your diary in a tick..   

hi jobo.. how are you doing sweets? that was a mammoth post hun! did you get some grub. im sorry that you are having a [email protected] time.. you always seem to make me smile though hun.

hi cinders... not sure if youre lurking but always thinking of you.. cant believe you are half way through already! where does the time go


i havent been too bad on the clomid this mth but it's hard to say as im not in pmt dangerzone... ask me wednesday and the girls and colin will be cowering under a table somewhere!



hope you are all well and having  a lovely weekend.


Amanda x


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## ramblingrose

Oh dear Lord why are so many of us having such a hard time right now? It's just not fair is it?  

Pand your post struck such a chord with me I can't tell you - all that stuff about your SIL and BIL; I really feel your pain. I too am having to be thrilled for my SIL and BIL who, as you so brilliantly put it, only have to sneeze to get pregnant, and I too am jealous and resentful and have to be the happy chirpy person who is pleased for them and watch everyone falling over themselves to support them (ie my MIL and BIL especially) when really I am suffering such unbearable pain and have no one to help me through it.

I too also have a DH who works shifts so know how hard that is. Again, going back to my SIL, she has her DH home every evening and weekend, and has no clue what its like to spend 80% of your time on your own, especially miles away from your own family.

I too have cried and cried this week til i thought there was no tears left, and all DH can offer is 'What's wrong?'  WTF!!!!!!!! What the bloody hell does he think is wrong?

Sorry, went off on one there didn't I?   What I'm trying to say is I know exactly where you're coming from and I could have written most of your post so love and a huge hug from me.

Lainey I am so sorry to hear about your dad's grave; it must be horrible for you. What a terrible thing for someone to do. I really can't put into words how angry I am on your behalf hun.

Jo, you are lovely and supportive as always. We should introduce our mothers to each other - they'd have a ball  

On a nice note for me, I have my grandparents and brother coming to stay tomorrow for a couple of days; it will be lovely to see them. My grandparents have had a tough year this year; my grandad is recovering from throat cancer and aggressive treatment, and I'm hoping he will be ok while he's down here as he's really been through the mill. My nanna is registered blind so I will have my hands full!

Still not recovered anything from the PC but I have been so busy cleaning the house today that I've not thought about it that much.

Love to all the lovely ladies I've not mentioned as well. I find it hard, this personal messages thing as it takes a while and sometimes you don't have the energy do you?!!! But I am sending you all positive thoughts and love.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone.

Vicki  x


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## emsylou

hey evryone, hope you all ok and had a good weekend?
was my birthday friday and what a night mare it was, i had it all planned out, was going to wake up in the morning get things sorted take dd to nursery and at 3 pick her up and take them to my moms and then pick my brother and his girlfriend up and then drive up to coventry, check into the hotel and then go and meet my cousin who manages a couple of clubs in the city centre and spend the night in the vip and have a good time.... well my day didnt go anything like that, i woke up and things were starting off ok, the mechanic came to change the starter motor and evrything was looking good. I needed to go and get my bag from mil's so we got in the car and drove up there and when i stopped at the lights i felt the engine cut out and when i tried turning the key it wouldnt start, so had to let the car roll down the hill a bit and waited for the aa, we were only half way to mil's and didnt bring a phone with us because we were rushing, so dh had to run to his moms to ring the aa. when they got there they couldnt fix it properly because my altinator had broken and wasnt chargning my battery. So the aa man followed us home and had to keep boost chargning my battery on the side of the road. What a night mare and bare in mind this is all happened before 12 lol dd missed nursery because we were so late.
so my mom had to come and pick me up so i could go and pick my outfit up and the she dropped me home, the mechanic came back out and changed the altinator for me and it didnt work, so he borrowed me 2 fully charged batterys and so at 6 i went to pick my brother and his gf and drop my girls off, well i picked them up and we were on our way. We got to the hotel that my mom had booked as a present for me and they needed to see the card that was used for payment because the room hadnt been payed for, but my mom said she had done it on the net. So had a hole drama about that, my mom ended up giving them a lecture down the phone lol
got up to our rooms and got ready to go and meet my cousin at one of his clubs but his phone was switched off. Well we met up in the hotel and went to the city centre but the club i was supposed to meet my cousin at was closed so while we were waiting i asked the door man to go and get him for me but he said he wasnt there, so rang my mom up to ask her to find out what had happened, was sitting out sde this club for about an hour still not knowing what had happened. i got realy upset and got in a taxi to go back to the hotel and then i got a phone call saying we had to go to his other club and he wasnt there but the lady on the door was expecting us. So we turned round in the taxi and got to the club and she showed us where to go, i got so drunk i hate champaign but i drank so much of it i just wanted to forget about my bday it had been such a night mare. On the up side though, i tried a kebab for the first time, and have a new favourite food lolwe went back to our hotel room and ordered some room sevice and had a laugh think that was the best part of the night. I said to dh that i would have prefered to have stayed in the hotel and watched a nice film together lol

anyways id better be off, take care evryone xxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi girls

Happy belated birthday Emma, sorry you had such a nightmare.  Sometimes when you plan a big night out it goes that way, I find the impromptu nightsare usually the best x

Pand - I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  You are so lovely and do not deserve this sh1t.  It doesn't matter how much we tell you that your inlaws are not worthy of you, I know it still hurts and will never be fair.  Since all this IF stuff started the one thing I have learnt is that life isn't fair and you don't always get what you deserve.  Sometimes the most selfish people seem to be the ones who get everything they want.  I wish I could take your pain away.  Are you sure you want to start IVF this month?  Could you delay it a month?  I am only thinking of your sanity.  Whatever happens I  here to support you whenever I can so please lean on me x

ramblingrose - I am sorry to hear that you are so down too.  This takes its toll on all of us at some point x

missy - good to hear from you.  Hope the demon clomid works for you this month x

Susie - how are you?

Hi Jo x

I am ok, nothing to report.

Love to everyone

Lainey x


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your lovely comments given my very silly post feeling very sorry for myself!

Jo - You're right, as always.  How you can support me like you do given what you're going thro I don't know.  But I am so greatful you do.  Of course you are right about Bambi... although it always pains me to admit when anyone else is right and I am not!  I do things for her not for them and she doesn't deserve to be caught up in my tiffs!  Thank you for being the voice of reason and stopping me from going off on one!!!  I love you mate.

Lainey - You're so lovely to me when you're having such a horrid time of it yourself, thank you.  You're right, one thing IF has taught me is that life is just not fair.  There's no point railing against it and the sooner I accept it the better.  You are a classic example of that.  If there was any justice in this world you would have had your second child by now.  I really hope this cycle works for you hun.  

RamblingRose - I'm sending you love and a hug back.  Sounds like you need one as much if not more than I do!  You're poor grandad and grandma.  What an awful time they have had this year.  I hope you enjoy your time with them. It can't have been easy seeing them through all of this on top of what you're dealing with.  It's stories like theirs that makes me think I should live life to the full.  Thank you for your lovely message.  I'm really sorry you're going thro the mill with your SIL and BIL too.  What is it about families?!!!!

Missyb- You know, I don't really think you're as awful as you make out when AF is due.  You seem much too nice a person!  Thank you for your lovely words as always.  You are a brave girl, and I'm sure as this year draws to an end you are thinking lots of your lovely mum.  I will never forget logging on after Christmas this year to see your news.  I think she would be very proud of how you are coping with all of this.  Just wanted you to know, I haven't forgotten her and that I'm here for you if it gets tough on the run up to Christmas.

Emma - Sorry you had such an awful birthday. It just doesn't help does it?

Suzy -  Four days and counting.  Off to read your diary now.

Cinders - Still thinking of you.

That's all for now!

Lots of love

pand


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## Jane D

Hi everyone


rambling - thank you for sharing your experience with me regarding Welsh.  My mum and dad are so old fashioned I could imagine them putting Welsh knot over dd's head if she sings a Welsh song.  they do need to keep it to themsleves as I havent lived under their roof for 20 years. Sorry to hear you have had a bad week.

Jobo - so eloquently put regarding situation with mother above.  They are supposed to be our best friends arent they?  the art of good parenting is knowing when to step back and say nothing.

Lainey - I am sorry to hear about your father's grave.  That is a pure indication of how low this country has sunk to - basically stealing from those no longer with us. I can imagine exactly what type of low lives deal with scrap metal - usually the ones with white vans and trailers behind them who have no respect for the ethics and morals of  society.  I know it is hard, but have you  alerted the police so that the cemetery could be monitored and these thieves caught?

Pand - sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.  I can't believe they did not acknowledge your appearance on the tv.  What is up with these people?

Suzy - hope you are ok.  Have not seen you post for a few days.  Take care.


emma - sounds like a memorable birthday.


Had good day.  Felt quite upbeat, considering 24 hours ago had been puking up all night!  Saturday spent in bed on my own!
went out to toys r us got presie for a party tomorrow and a xmas presie for dd to put away.  Bought her a fairy doll for being a good girl. Popped to asda and just felt sad for a few seconds seeing woman with 3 boys and pregnant.  Sincerely hoped she was a nice person with decent working dh and not a benefit scrounger paid for by the likes of us, us decent folks who are subsidise their sky tv and sovereign rings.


Have  a better week all

Love

Jane
xx


----------



## jobo5572

Warning - bit of a me post, sorry. Mainly taken from my tx diary as I wrote a long bit earlier on here but deleted it as I thought I was being a stupid cow. There really is nowhere else but here that I can talk about all of this. To all of those who have posted to say that I am being supportive.....well I've just collapsed in a blubbering heap tonight so I'm not that supportive tonight I'm afraid .

Have had a major wobble tonight  which I tried to cover up whilst responding to texts from my lovely friend Pand, but she was too wise to it and caught me out . Bless you Pand - thank you so much for phoning me and bringing me back to planet earth as I don't know where I was but it wasn't very nice wherever it was. I think, having spent so much time on my own this afternoon and all evening, that I just got very lonely and everything just got on top of me. There's more than the SIF and tx going on in my life and tonight I just felt like I wasn't coping with any of it any more, it was all spiralling out of control, and no-one gave a sh1t. I seem to have been just functioning on a day to day basis for I don't know how long, and I just don't know how I've done it as I am being eaten away inside and am totally devastated and heartbroken about so many aspects of my life. If it weren't for my DS then I just don't know where I'd be, if I'd exist at all to be honest. It is for him that I carry on. As for the tx, I am so desperate to provide a sibling for him, and for the past 2 weeks I seem to have been on auto-pilot jabbing myself and it not really hitting home as to what the hell was going on. What the hell _is _ going on ? Why have I ended up here ? None of my friends and family know that I am undergoing tx (except ff's of course), so although they obviously don't know to ask if I'm OK, I am hurt that not one of my friends in general has asked for what seems like a very long time how I am with all the SIF stuff. Am I supposed to be over it by now or something ? Am I boring everyone after 3 years or what ? I seem to be constantly bending over backwards to help other people and I seem to get nothing in return. Perhaps I just want to be treated like I treat others - is that too much to ask ? I cannot help the way I am but I am sad that no-one seems to care about me and it really doesn't help that DH doesn't give 2 sh1ts either. I thoroughly appreciate all the support from my ff's, and especially Pand, as I don't know where I'd be without it.

I won't go on as I am pretty drained, having cried for most of the evening. Apologies that this is so self-indulgent. I thought I'd better let you know that perhaps I'm not as good as perhaps you thought I was - unless you are all super sleuths too like Pand and have sussed me out . I will catch up with personals soon I promise.

Thank you Pand, soooooooooooooo much


----------



## SUSZY

Evening girls
oh I am so sorry that we are all having such a hard time with relatives and life in general and I am sorry if my diary did not help as I was complaining about my family as well!    
I felt very alone last night, like I had a hole in my heart - I had fallen out with dh and my parents and felt like my marriage was in big trouble not the best recipe for being a few days away from hopefully a bfp.  I just feel like I do so much a lone and although dh has been quite helpful for a few days we do seem to lead such seperate lives and there are hardly any cuddles. It really helps posting on my diary here and knowing you lot are out there supporting me.  It means the world and I want to be here for you too.

jobo -     i am so sorry you are feeling down and I wish there was something I could do to help other than to say I am here for you as we all are. I know it feels like everything is against you and SIF really has taken its toll on all of us and made things worse. Dont forget that you are a wonderful person and you are a wonderful mum and I am sorry that your dh is not more helpful and your parents not more supportive.
Please know that we are all here for you   .  Anything that your family and friends are lacking in hopefully we can support and make up for.  Dont forget that the meds will be making you feel a bit strange and more emotional than normal, I know its hard but try and keep postive and there is every chance your ivf will work.  The New You course sounded good fun and it was just what you needed to take your mind of the inj and inf stuff.  I know me keeping busy sometimes and doing this intro to life coaching course has made such a difference to me.  Try and do some more things just for you.

Pand-    what can i say to you honey - you have had so much to deal with recently and I think if only bil /sil and his parents were more considerate and supportive - it would make all the difference.  I think for all of us if only friends and family knew a bit more about what we actually experienced they would sympathise more and it would help.  I really think your ivf will work this time honey and you need to keep and be postive.  I still cannot believe that they did not contact you re that programme. They really do seem very insensitive.
I am sorry about dh working shifts but can relate to you worrying about your family time - i hope you do have him at chrimbo - the shifts sound hard .  you know you are allowed to cry and be sad and to be mad at them and resentful.  its very understandable.  the jewellery making sounds fun, Ang used to do a lot of that, i have had a little dabble but its a bit too fiddly for me.  I do need something to focus on and I am beginning to realise that more and more.  you have always been so supportive to everyone its your turn now.  be strong babe and we are all here to help share the burden.

lainey      i am so sorry about your dads grave, its unbelievable how depraved people are   and I am so so sorry - I wonder if you can get some wood or something. Its just so sad and I bet you must be soo angry and I am so sorry.  Its getting closer isnt it your cycle and I am excited for you and hope that you are too, it will be lovely that you and pand will be cycling together and jobo.  good luck honey.  What excellent news about your ovaries and how fantastic were you able to sock it to that woman (just wish I had been a fly on the wall) FF has empowered us and is such a lovely feeling to be strong and admament and sure about what we want.  I have heard that DHEA stuff is good though. well done you.

cinders   hope you are ok sweetheart, thanks for your text and for thinking of me - we think of you and hope to be joining you too and everyone else on this thread.
when I went to my class on wed night we had to write a fantasay postcard and in it when I was talking about my own baby/ies playing at my feet - I also said and all my friends on my web site had their babies or were preg as well and that is one of my main wishes.

jane d -     I am so sorry that your mum and dad are not being very supportive again, it seems they are very stuck in their ways - and not very supportive on the areas that you need them, I had a go at my parents this afternoon after yesterdays debacle - I am sure i probably overeacted but just feel they dont realise quite how hard it is to run this house/garden and that dh and me dont actually spend much quality time together. Think you might have to set up a thread where we can complain about dh/family and also a positivity thread to help cheer us up when we are feeling down.

missy    good luck for this cylce and hope you remain ok and dont get too stressed!

emma -   happy belated bday and sorry you had such a terrible day in the end with your car etc 

emsy   hope you are ok

ffh   how are you doing

ec   hope you are doing well

rambling    sorry you have issues with your family too, its very hard when people around you are getting preg esp family and not realising how hard it is for you.  You know I am sure once you get your head around ivf you will be fine with it, as I say when they first mentioned ivf to us back in jan 05 we did not think we needed it and we tried lots of other methods and then in nov 06 they were recommending ivf with donor eggs now that is a huge leap to get your head around but eventually I did.I did a lot of research on here, chatted by pm to lots and met Ang.
I could not have got to where I have without FF and this thread in particular has been a godsend because we all feel the same and know the emotions the others are experiencing because we have all gone through them ourselves.

bubs    how are you, long time no hear

wbg    hope you are ok

ok girls only a few more days to go until i find out - thanks for all your support (all that crossing is working pand thanks) it means a lot having you all rooting for me it really does. I am not sure why I am so ok but I am taking every day as it comes, for those of you have read my diary you know I have been quite irritable which i did read was a good sign. I am taking it that I need to seize some control as feel so out of control in others as in I dont know if its worked or wether there is one or two in there growing or how long etc etc.  If i get the elusive bfp it will be my 5th positive preg test with only a total of one live birth - thats when reality hits and as we all know to our cost its the first `10 or so weeks that are the worse.
If I get the wonderful result then i think i will be like cinders and only want quiet comments as its so unbeliable.
I still think it can go either way, sometimes i think i am and then I think am I imagining it all or are the meds giving me the symptoms.
who knows.

anyway love to you all as ever and i will be back again soon

love

susie
you know we all have to keep and stay postive and to think positive thoughts
                    
love you all


----------



## jobo5572

Morning ladies

Firstly, a big SORRY for my terrible me-post last night  .  I feel such an idiot this morning and so embarrassed that poor Pand had to pick up the pieces on the phone.  I must get a grip  .  Love you Pand   !

It is so [email protected] that so many of us are having such a hard time on here, but then I guess if we weren't all having a hard time we wouldn't be on here in the first place.  Still doesn't make it any better I know, but at least we can all support and help each other through the bad (& hopefully good) times.  
Time for me to be more supportive, unlike last night.....

Pand - I know you will shout at me, but I have to say thanks again hun  .  You have been so supportive of me.  You are such a lovely person, and it doesn't matter how much I'm going through, I still feel your pain and hurt and I'm still here for you too.  I would be so very sad if I felt you were keeping things from me just 'cos you thought I was going through too much myself.  I still think you're right to be so mad/angry/upset with bil and sil but I don't want the anger, hurt and resentment to  build up any more as it really is getting you down and it breaks my heart to see that.  I know you don't want to speak to them or see them, but have you thought of writing all your feelings down perhaps ?  You don't have to send it to them but you'd be well within your rights to as I really do think that they are completely oblivious to what they have done (or not as the case may be) and it may just help a little bit to get it off your chest.  I will be so proud of you if you do decide to go to Bambi's grave as usual at the end of October - you are such a lovely person to remember Bambi and it would be such a shame if bil and sil's bahaviour changed your mind about going.  Love you lots and thanks again  

Suszy - thank you so much for your support and PM's  .  I have so much crossed for you hun for this week and I so hope that you get your well deserved bfp    .  I can completely relate to how you're feeling about your marriage and lack of cuddles etc. - there's NO cuddles in our house and my marriage is a joke.  I feel bad that my ff's have to pick me up when perhaps it should be my DH, but he really doesn't give a stuff.  It's good that you feel you can write it all on here or your diary and let it all out.  We are all here for you hun  

MissyB - hope you're OK chick.  Will try to make you smile again....if you read my diary you'll know that I now have a new name for myself - Jabba the Gut !!  It seemed so fitting as I have so much resemblance to Jabba (yes, I really AM that attractive !) and it also says what I'm doing on a nightly basis ! Lots of love  

ramblingrose - We have so much in common !  Irritating mothers, abandoned-wife-syndrome due to shifts, DH's that say "what's wrong" ?  Grrrrrr.  It's so wrong !  Hope you have a lovely time with your grandparents and brother - your poor grandparents seem to have been through a lot this year.  Big hug for you all  

Lainey - hi hun, hope you're OK  

Jane D - love your comments about subsidising Sky TV and sovereign rings for the chavs  !!  Don't forget their revolting branded sports clothing, hair dye, **** and booze that we're also subsidising !  Oooh, don't get me started.  There's a chav that walks through the town where I work every day at lunch time pushing a double buggy with a *** in her mouth, greasy slapped back dyed hair and naff sporty clothing and sovereign rings, and I notice the other day that she is pg again !! I am so mad.  Anyway, as usual your acid wit made me chuckle.  I hope you're OK after your mammoth puking session  

Emma - sorry your birthday didn't turn out to be how you wanted it.

I'm very embarrassed that I was in such a state last night and I don't really know what started it all off -  OK so the drugs won't be helping I know, but I do have a lot to deal with at the moment.  I think I'm so used to just trying to deal with things by myself and not relying on others - after all I don't get any support at home from DH with anything, let alone SIF, my parents have always treated me like a failure, and I don't want to burden friends with my woes as quite frankly they don't understand and I'm sure they're bored of hearing about SIF anyway - none of them have brought up the subject for so long and I don't want to be miserable around everyone. I seem to spend my entire life putting on a brave face and being supportive of everyone and helping people out and I think I realised last night that actually I get nothing in return (except from you guys of course) and I am just a mug/doormat which is entirely my own fault.  Unfortunately for Pand, she saw right through me and my cover was blown !  If I think about it properly, I am also quite pee'd off with my friends for "using" me.  For example, all my friends around here have more than one child and doting husbands that like to spend time with them and do the family thing etc.  However, a few of them have husbands that occasionally work one day at the weekend, or go out of an evening, so when they're on their own, they ask if I'm free to do something or ask for help, and of course I pander to their every needs.  However, they're all aware that my DH works shifts and is very rarely around of an evening or at the weekends - and, during things like half term/Christmas etc. where my DH is working throughout I will be on my own with DS during the day and alone most evenings (including New Years Eve !!).  Don't get me wrong, I love to spend time with my DS, but no-one even gives me a second thought at times like that as they're too busy doing the family things and their lives are happy and jolly.  I have also explained to all of my friends that as DS is an only child, I like him to be able to spend time with his little friends as I think he spends too much time with just me - but of course they just don't get it, as all their kids have siblings to keep them occupied.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need to be around other people all the time, but I'm angry/upset that friends are all too wrapped up in their own happy lives but are soon to call on me if they want to do something.  It annoys me so much and that is why I feel used.  OK, so the answer is to say no to people but that's just not me.  So really I bring it all on myself and I need a good smack  .  Spending too much time on my own is not good for me, as I found out last night - I end up thinking too much, and get in a state.  Anyway, I came on here to apologise and be supportive of others and I've started to go off on one so I will shut up  !  I hope I have made some sense !

I would like to send lots of love and a big hug to those that need it  .  I really must get on and do some work, even though my mind is far from thinking about work.

Thanks to everyone for listening - you're all great  

Love Jo


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Just popping in to say Hi, I do still try and keep up with what's going on.

Suszy - Thinking of you this week, really hoping you get your bfp. I know that it's only the start but it's a good start!  

Pand - Sorry you're feeling so rubbish at the moment, and that your family continue not to acknowledge things. I really think you should give ivf another go, I don't think you'll ever be able to move on unless you at least give it a go.  

Jo - Sorry you've been struggling too, I'm sure all of the drugs don't help with things so just try and focus on getting a positive outcome, none of us want to be here but it's happened so we just have to deal with it.  At least you're able to give ivf a go, that's something which for religious reasons I've had to let go of. Please don't think I'm pointing the finger, all I mean is that it is a great opportunity.   

Lainey - That DHEA stuff sounds great, I've not heard of that one before. What is it supposed to be good for then? I've been reading The Fertility Diet by Sarah Dobbyn, there's loads of alternative stuff in there too. Well done for standing firm with the consultant, I really hope the evf goes well.


Missyb - great to hear from you. Are you doing anything treatment wise at mo, I've lost track?

ramblingrose - hope you have a nice time with grandparents. 

Hi to everyone else Emma, WBG, Cinders, emilycaitlin, Jane and anyone else I've missed.


As for me, I'm going on a health kick. I've decided that as the consultant cleared me out with the lap in July, I should at least make an effort to get myself healthy and see if that works at all. And if it doesn't at least I'll be ingood shape to give iui another go!! I know that there's nothing stopping me from getting pregnant in terms of blocked tubes, scarring etc. There may be something else, but if I've done it once naturally perhaps I can do it again. Who knows...

Take care all

Faithful


----------



## cinders35

Oh ecky thump.

           

You guys are having SUCH a rough time at the mo.  . As you know, I am still lurking, but not often posting. But today I felt compelled to write, as so many of you are finding various aspects of SIF so difficult to deal with. It all rings so true in my head, it is far from forgotten despite my expanding girth  .

The thing is, people who haven't been through it just DON'T understand, they don't get it. In my experience they can't do right for doing wrong anyway! Sometimes during my journey I felt like stopping people in the street and blurting out my problems, and other times I wanted to take all that information back, wrap up our private problems in a little/big bag, and keep it for only me and DH to open. I wanted the rest of the world to mind their own... But it was difficult for them to know which frame of mind I was in, and as such they were always putting their foot in it!
Also DP had his moments, and sometimes I felt the weight of the bag heavily, as he didn't seem to be carrying his half!

I know I'm waffling a load of [email protected] about bags, where did that come from?!   
But basically I want you to know that it is SO hard going through this, and you are all feeling the normal frustrations of being misunderstood.

Jo, your hormones will be raging, which will probably be exacerbating all your problems until they are like a huge mountain to climb. Don't apologise for letting it out, if you can't do it here...
EVERYONE here understands, you are not mad, you are not sad, you are not alone  . You do lovely things for your friends because you are a lovely person, if it's any consolation, only ONE of my true life fertile friends understood, and had any sensitivity. She has 3 children, but still managed it! I think the key to seeing someone through SIF is to listen, gently enquire when you think the time is right, and to sympathise in a non patronising kind of way. Nobody can 'fix' it. And as we all know, the worst thing friends can do is say 'it'll happen' 'you'll have another...' How can they say that? What are they, psychic?!  
One of my BEST friends was extremely insensitive last year when she told me she was pg with her third child, we are over it now. But when I told her I was pg this time, she was thrilled, but again put her foot in it as far as I was concerned and said 'I knew you'd have another, I just knew...' I brushed over it, but inside I was going 'for f$%* sake, will you never learn?!' 

As for family Pand, I am truly shocked that your brother and SIL haven't been in touch since the programme. I'm not entirely sure what to say about that. I think they must be avoiding the situation, burying their heads in the sand, as that is easier than facing up to you and your justifiable sadness at your loss. M/C in any situation can be devastating, but m/c after infertility is just too cruel for words. That is what they don't seem to have grasped. I guess things may be awkward between you if/when you see each other, I just wonder if a gentle letter (always suggesting this I know!) would be appropriate now, to go some way to explaining your side of the story? Before xmas gets here, and there is any awkwardness at any family gatherings? No matter how hard this is and  how angry you are with them (by the way, they don't deserve you!) they will always be your family, and those children will be ds's cousins. You shouldn't have to make the first move Pand, it's up to them really, but maybe you should show them how a decent person acts?

Please feel free to ignore this advice, as I only know such snippets of what has gone on. I just want you to have one less thing to worry about during this difficult journey  .

Suszy, will nip and read your diary after this. It goes without saying         . Waiting for some company  .

Lainey hun, good ole DHEA!!! I'm so impressed. Especially with you, miss assertive 2008! Hoping beyond hope that you will be yet another bfp joining me at the top of the pit! By that time, we should have a few of us at the top ready to pull you and Pand up from your cycles! Good to see you posting too.  

You know, there are so many of you that I can't quite manage to do personals for all. I don't want that to make you think I don't care, it's just that I'm gonna have to get off this computer and do some jobs!

The general mood is so low, and I'm so sorry. None of you deserve this rubbish, but unfortunately, bad stuff happens to good people too. I had an antenatal appointment at the hospital last week, and was infuriated to see a load of 'chavs' sad outside with their bumps and **** on. It was all I could do not to go over and rip those **** from their big loud gobs, but they might have hit me!!!!

I am doing well girls. Half way there now, blimey. 
Still haven't got over the shock   !
Still want to get that t-shirt printed 'SIF TTC 4 and half yrs!'

Love hope and   that you get your turn,

Love

Cindersxxx


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## dustyrose

Girls, its been really too busy for me lately and Im still in the middle of learning to say no and start winding down for IVF preparations. I know this isn't much but for what it is worth, I am still reading and my heart is going out to all, it seems like its a bit tough right now. So much love, xxxxxx


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## lainey-lou

Hi All

Susie           When do you test?   

Cinders - thanks for the lovely message.  I can't believe that friend of yours.  If I ever get a BFP and someone says to me "I knew you would have another"  I swear I will kick them in the crutch!  Still want to meet up, will text you. x

Jo - I am sorry you are feeling pants.  Just to echo what everyone else has said, I am sure it is the drugs, they send you doolally (although I am pretty doolally normally  )  The IVF just magnifies all the problems in your life and sometimes it just feels like too much to cope with.  It will be well worth it when you get your BFP though  

Pand - how are you?  I agree with Cinders, I think you should write them a letter and tell them exactly how you feel.  It may not even make any difference to them but it will probably make you feel better to get it all off your chest.

Hi FFH - good to see you have a PMA at the moment, long may it continue  

I saw a celeb on the tv today who I am sure was not even with a partner when I started out on my IF journey and I am sure I remember her saying she was nowhere near ready for kids.  Well, there she was today with a wedding ring on and showing off pics of her new baby.  God!  That's depressing!  In the time it has taken me to get pg she has found a partner, married him and had a baby. That p*ssed me off I can tell you!  What a luxury, to be able to wait and wait and then  pop one out.  She will probably have another before I get there  

L x


----------



## lainey-lou

Forgot to say, I have been living at the gym lately.  Today I did 12K and some weights and sit ups.  I have managed to lose about half a stone, although I am struggling to lose any more.  I am very pleased with myself.  Feel like a paragon of virtue.  Had my hair done Friday so feeling a bit lighter and brighter and today a little boy in the playground told his Mummy that he thought I was pretty, bless!  She must get his eyes tested  

Just thought I'd share that with you.

L x


----------



## cinders35

Hello lovey!!!
Good for you re the gym- 12k? 12k? Blinkin' nora  !!!! That is good way to set you up for treatment . Between that, your hair, and your antral follicle count, this next treatment cannot fail!!!!!!!
Miss you, can't wait till you up the duff too   !!!

Dustyrose, is very busy on here! Understand what you mean  .

Don't know what I think I'm doing on here twice in one day!

Bye for now  

Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Hey Cinders, it's so good to hear from you  .  Would love to see you and the expanding girth soon.  Thank you so much for your support and kind words.  I cannot believe what that friend said to you when you got pg  .  It's amazing what people come out with.  Hope you're keeping well - have you had the 20 week scan yet, and will you/have you found out what flavour you're having ?  Don't expect you to say what flavour, I was just enquiring ! Look after yourself  

FFH & Lainey - stop making me feel guilty with your healthy ways !!  I got out my Wii fit the other night and it said "I haven't seen you for 92 days"  .  Oops !  Thank you both for your messages of support too, and Lainey, I am doolally most of the time too so I'm sure IVF is just accentuating it !!

dustyrose - good to hear from you  

Pand - remember I'll get my steelies out if you misbehave young lady    

Love to all

Jo


----------



## Jane D

cant believe this - just posted about 10 mins ago and it crashed.  Spent ages too!!

cinders -loved the post. Hope there are some more folks at top of pit soon.

Jobo - loved the bit about chav lady.  You can guess I am into chav or scally bashing.  can you blame me, I used to live in the constituency where the local mp had suggested that asbo families live in tin huts under motor ways!!  give that man a knighthood.  East Wirral is v poor and west Wirral is a few places below Sandbanks in the most healthiest desirable places to live. talk about polarised society.  

Suzy - see you next week, take care now.

Not spoken to mum for a few days.  Doubt I will be invited to do a lecture and slide show at her townswomens guild on donor egg conception abroad.  Would finish the night with a slide of Juan Pablo de Pace (off Mamma Mia film, nescafe ad, Catherine Tate show, eric Prydz vid - thinner younger fitter version of Antonio Banderas) saying, warning, donor conception children from Spain may look like this!!!  God I so hope my donor IS spanish and not from somewhere else.

Lainey lou - keep up the good work in the gym.

DD had party today.  whole class jobby.  Awful. Had to endure some boring people.  LUckily have a little crowd of ok acquaintances who are funny and I discuss night school topics and the price of real estate with.  One parent asked if Dd was youngest or eldest to which I replied, no she is an only child - luckily it killed the conversation nicely!  Wont have a party for kids whose parents I cant stand when it is dds turn!!

rambling - hope you are ok and hope to meet soon.

Sorry to be short, but most go.

Hi to Pand, hope you are ok

Faithfully - keep up the good work

Sorry if I missed anyone but need to go

Love

Jane


----------



## emsylou

hi evry one im sorry i keep "me" posting latley, but im in need of another moan. I went to get dd from nursery today but because my car is broke i had to walk there and the only 3 people that were standing out side the gates were the 3 people with very big bumps. AGGGHHHHH i felt like crying i normaly just wait in the car when they are there because i dont want to be the only one without a bump. Well there was no hiding for me today so i tried to be brave and swallow the lump that was growing in the back of my throat and stood there with the fakest smile i have ever worn lol. They were talking about all baby things and i felt so bad, and then the one mum got out her **** and started to smoke and looked at me and said, "so you havin any more then?" i just said "no not yet" and she just raised her eyebrows, and said "oh how come?" i just told her that it wasnt the right time, but i just felt like evry question i could think of that would make me feel like pants i got asked and i couldnt do anything about it. I didnt want them to feel sorry for me or give me any sympathy so i just made up a load of lies to try and make them back off a bit. (didnt work though) 
I was praying that another mum would come round the corner but no one came for a while. 
I have been realy trying not to let ttc get to me so bad and have been trying to be more relaxed about it but tonight i now feel like i have taken 10 steps back and am feeling so horrible about ttc again and getting upset.

Im sorry id better be off now as iv probably depressed you all with my moaning 

hope you are all ok xxx


----------



## SUSZY

Evening girls
not going to make this a long one as posted yest and feel tired and should be in bed.
i am still feeling good and positive and there is only a few days to go.
i have this sneaky feeling that if its a negative i wont be able to give up and yet i know i should but i also feel positve that it might be my turn so just keeping my fingers crossed and all of your support means such a lot.  I just want you all to join me too.
Good luck once again for everyone at whatever stage of tx you are at but esp for those on the journey and about to start very soon - there is every chance this could work girls.   keep positive   

jobo - glad you are feeling a bit better and we are all here for you - you know that.  I know when I spend too long on my own I get a bit down and think thats why these last two weeks have been so good as have arranged loads, this week has been fairly busy and had to stop myself taking it personally when two people turned me down for a cuppa - its so hard isn't it.  I have realised more and more that I let other people affect my mood and want to wean myself of it.  Sitting in peace and quiet and being still is good for us apparently!

pand hope you are feeling a bit better too.

ffh yes I test on thursday

lainey - i test on thursday, you are doing so well at the gym you clever girl - well done and glad you are feeling so good and that you like your hair, you do make me laugh.

cinders - really think you should write a book you know, you are so clever at writing! and put it all so eloquently.  Nice to see you posting, I know you have not forgotten and that you are probably still not believing. Thanks for your support. It would be lovely to meet up at halfterm or before chrimbo??

missy hope you are ok

jane - you do make me laugh - you could co write a book with cinders!
emma    - sorry they asked such insensitive questions - it really can get one down.  Its so hard thought isn't it as we know we dont want to be asked that question and yet they perhaps dont know. I know I answered family with you could not have asked me a worse question.  Normally when I am asked about my children, I say unfortunately I only have one but its not for want of trying and after three m/c and lots of tx I am having one last go before giving up (depends who it is though)  Did sound like a frustrating experience.

dusty we understand and we are here for you and thinking of you and your preps!

rambling hope you are ok honey - here for you

love to everyone else emsy, EC.wbg, bubs,lyndalou etc etc hope you are all ok   
As my dad is here tomorrow will probably have anight off but will be back wed night although do have my course and a cotton and cashmere party but hope to be on some time before the big day!!!

love
susie


----------



## SUSZY

afternoon
just a quickie have had a tiny bit of blood so am feeling very sorry for myself, I have been so hopeful and sure that this was my time and was in floods of tears.  I feel like my little safe secure world is about to collaspe down on me.
We may test in the morning now.
I was feeling so strong and now I feel so weak.
Thanks for your support girls and I will keep you posted.
love
susie


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Suszy - didn't want to read and run hun. Hang on in there it may not be bad news yet, could it be implantation? Thinking of you    

Faithful x


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## jobo5572

Suszy - couldn't read and run.  Hope your little bleed is something and nothing.  Thinking of you hun


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## emsylou

Suszy - am sending you lots of              am thinking of you hun and keeping my fingers crossed for you   xxx


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## dustyrose

Susie, oh honey , I can't imagine what you're feeling. Im sorry you're feeling so sad and we are here for you honey whenever you need us . It could really be implantation bleeding and Im praying this is the case. So many hugs and prayers...


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## wouldbegreat

Suzy big big   honey and lots of


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## Pand

Suzy,

I'm sure you must be feeling absolutely terrified at the moment, and I totally understand that sense of waiting for your world to come crashing down.  Honey, nothing I can say will help I know, but just cling to your positivity and hope and pray it's implantation.  Have you had any more blood?  Do you normally spot before your period?  God I really hope it's just one or two little b*ggers burrowing in.  Am here for you mate, whatever the outcome.  

Love Pand


----------



## SUSZY

Thanks girl those message so help.
I am feeling a bit better but have had a glass of wine (or is it two) i know I should not have but I needed it as feel like my head and heart going to explode.  There not more blood and yes pand do spot before but took an extra pessary so hope that helped.
I really have no idea as friend told me I bled last time - need to check my diary.
have left a very heart felt message on my diary which made me cry but needed to.
Girls I could not have done this without you and you mean the world to me and no matter what the outcome good or bad I am not goign to desert you.  Thanks so much.  Will let you k now tomorrow as we might be testing then.
thanks again and love to you all


----------



## nic172

hello everyone - im back again

Suzy - I know the feeling and its awful - Been there myself! When youve been so positive its awful the waiting game, will it or wont it!! Seriously hoping that for you it will be fine - my fingers are crossed and i send you lots of luck and love    xx

Jo - sorry didnt respond sooner - loved the poo idea - if only!!!     
Would even consider it, if it didnt mean i had to drive around with fresh turds in my handbag waiting for my moment  - yes that would give them a snippet of how it feels!! 
Have managed to avoid going to 2 of them - the final one ( one of my best friends is on Sat) - thinking of another excuse - have used the one that me or the kids are ill both times - might not work again!! I played the part great - bought the pinattas - filled them - baked the fairy caked and iced them with the appropiate colour ( pink last time - blue for sat!!) - supplied the party games - but then, sods law, i only fell ill. Hubby dropped the stuff off with apologies that i couldnt make it - but  with all id done - what could they say!!!
Hope everything with you is ok and your keeping smiling  

Pand - havnt posted for ages so it might seem old news but you were great on TV and very brave  - well done - ill tell you it loads if you like to make up for them bast*!ds not mentioning it - i wont even get started it makes my p*ss boil - the way they treat you. You looked great so less of the modisty - hope your well xx

Emma - Hope you had a great birthday minus the hic-cups!! at least you can laugh about it now 
As for the playground bumps - yes they are hellish arnt they  . I was picking the kids up last week and stood alone could hear chatting - it felt like in slow motion but as i turned to look where it was coming from - two bumps came round the corner!! THe bumps seem to appear and be staright in my face long before the attached ladies were!! Hope you are well xx

Jane - Loved your comment on the mother with her boys - and hope you are right - she was a decent lady not a chavy scrounger!!! 
Sounds awful and silly but i have come to the conclusion that benefit scroungers and chavs are super fertile - it is very annoying but look around i bet youll find its true!!!   


To everyone else - apologies for no personals but i  am truly thinking of you all and hoping that we all get lucky! That would be the best xmas gift EVER!!

Now for the bit about me-- same old- same old really - i have become super spotty and am of course blaming the clomid- anyone else a spot sufferer with it or am i just talking myself out of the fact i am just spotty?
Am struggling to understand that before going on the clomid my 21 day pro- whatever was in the 20s ( need 30 plus to show that ovulation has occured) but now after taking the clomid has gone to 14 and then to 3 - down NOT up - when ive asked the docs they just tell me to keep taking it!! Anyone any suggestions advice about this!!1

Hope everyone is keeping there chin up and fingers crossed for each other xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Jane D

Suzy

Just seen your post.  I am praying it is implantation like everyone on here.  Glad you have not experienced any more.  
Please keep positive.  I  fully understand you feel you need to test tomorrow.  We are all rooting for you.  Big hugs.  Take care.

  We are all here whatever happens on the journey.

Love

Jane


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Its a           
I am too upset and stunned to cry.
I am mad as hell with someone just dont know who.
how can two donor cycles have failed.
I am so disappointed.
I will be back soon.
Thanks for your help and support - it means such a lot.
good luck to everyone
Love
Susie


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## emsylou

susy i am so sorry hunni i know theres nothing i can say to take the pain away that you are feeling but i just wanted to let you know that im thinking of you and sending you lots of  
love emma xxx


----------



## dustyrose

Susie...........


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## jobo5572

So so sorry Susie - you so deserved to get a bfp  .  Words cannot express my sentiments at the moment but I am deeply saddened for you  .  Life is so unfair.  Nothing I can say can take your pain away hun and I am so sorry.  Thinking of you.

Lots of  .  Here for you my love xxx


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## wouldbegreat

Susie i am so sorry sweetheart i am so gutted


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## Jane D

Susy

I was so sorry to hear your news this morning.  I can't put into words how I feel at this moment.  I am sending you big hugs and all my love.  Please keep in touch.  we are all here for you.

Love

Jane
x


----------



## lyndalou

suszy         Thinking of you!


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## faithfullyhoping

Suszy - so so sorry       

faithful x


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## lainey-lou

Susie, I am so sorry lovey.  I don't know what to say, except that I am here for you if you need me.  Is there no chance that you have just tested too early?  I hope so.

Sending you all my love, to you and dh.

Lainey x


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## Pand

Susie,

So terribly sad and upset for you.  I know this was your last ditch effort and the magnitude of what this means is just so heartbreaking.  It's understandable that you feel angry hun.  I feel angry for you!  It's the injustice of it all.  You so deserved this to work and it never ceases to infurtiate me that life just doesn't reward those who deserve it the most.  I just don't know what else to say cos I know no amount of words are going to take away the sadness.  I am always here for you and will continue to be for as long as you need me hun.

All my love Pand


----------



## missyb

aw susie     i was so gutted when i got your text this am. i can't add to what pand has already so eloquently put it. it just seems so unfair.   




thinking of you xx



amanda xx


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## lainey-lou

Evening

I am feeling really deflated and sad for Susie and can't stop thinking about it.  It makes me so angry.  Why do we have so much trouble when some people pop them out like nobody's business.  I am feeling a bit negative about my own cycle as a consequence.  Feel like there is no point.

Thinking of you Susie  

L x


----------



## cinders35

I was so devestated when I got your text Suszy  .
If I felt that bad  , I can't think how bad you must be feeling   .
I think it is so hard, because of all that has come before it, and the fact that you had decided it would be the last go.
I am thinking about you lot's, and Mr Cinders was gutted for you too.  .
Don't know what else I can say,
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## ramblingrose

Hi girls; I've had a few days sorting out my nightmare PC so that's why I've not been on for a few days.

Just a quickie as DS will be home any minute but just wanted to send a huge hug to Suszy. You must be devastated honey; so I am sending love from the bottom of my heart.  

xxx


----------



## dustyrose

Susie, 

You are in my thoughts today. I don't know what words to use to tell you how my heart if feeling. xxx


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## jobo5572

Susie - thinking of you hun  .  Just read your diary - you are being so brave and strong hun and you seem so clear in what you want to do from here on.  I don't know how you do it hun, I really don't.  I'd just like to send a big hug out to you, DH & DS   and lots of love.  Words fail me   xxx


----------



## SUSZY

HI girls
thanks so much as ever for your lovely supportive and caring and heartfelt thoughts on here and texts etc - we are like one big family (where even our dhs are sad) and its so lovely that we all seem to feel each others feelings if that makes sense, I was going to say pain but that sounds bad.
I have just updated my diary but I actually feel ok, yes we are gutted and I have fleeting thoughts of another cycle or going abroad for a baby like china or somewhere but dont think dh would be too impressed.  I am determined to keep positive and upbeat well as much as I can.  I have been busy with having cuppas with people and also lunch and evenings out, everyone on the web and outside have been lovely and supportive and I have had so many messages and flowers its so nice.  I have realised poor dh does not have much though.
its not as bad a it appears because each christmas we say its our last attempt and carry on and now we can get on and sort things, we are going to get a dog, dh says he really wants one and I need to lose two stone and get riding again and clear the clutter and sort all teh baby stuff I have been holding on to for five years.
anyway must dash of to a pamper even
will be back soon
love you all and thanks and keep pos lainey pand and jobo it will work for you
susie
ps not sure how or why I am like this but I dont like the alternative i suppose and have lived there too long.
this course has really helped focus my mind and people in the outside world are being nicer and kinder and i am keeping very busy.
also have been o nthis journey since 04 so need a break - thanks though and keep strong. so pleased you chatted to that lady and you now have an ally, funny how she worried about upsetting u sometimes think perhaps we think we know what others are thinking/feeling but perhaps we dont?


----------



## SUSZY

ps bound to fall when reality hits but know you lot will be there and that helps
but going to get up again
and may even hold onto some baby stuff in case fall preg naturally


----------



## Pand

Suzy,

I cannot put into words how amazing and inspiring you are.  You never cease to amaze me with your strength and courage.  I admire you so much and think you are one incredible lady.  I so don't want this to be the end of your journey, but totally understand what you mean about needing a break.  I'm still very upset and angry at the injustice of it all on your behalf... but hun, if we all end up having only children, I can't think of any more inspiring or lovely ladies to be in the same boat with. I really hope it doesn't end like that, but if it does, I can think of worse things.  I am always here for you, as are everyone else on here.  FF wouldn't be the same without you.  Keep strong and if you stumble we are here.

Love to you, DH (bless him) and DS (bless him too).

Pand


----------



## cinders35

Morning all,
Can't stop thinking about you Suszy. 
You are dealing so well with it at the moment, but understand that it is a fine line between coping and not coping. You know what it is like to feel so low, but as you say you are determined not to go to that dark place again. You have all your ff's to pull you out if you find yourself falling  . 
I hope this doesn't come accross wrong, but I was just wondering is there any sense of relief at all? Relief in the fact that that you don't have to put yourselves through it all again? Relief that life isn't on hold anymore? Maybe if not, that is an emotion that will come later. 
As a family, you deserve to have some good times ahead. I think getting a puppy is SUCH a great idea. I know you have been contemplating it for a while, it will bring you all together, and you will all have something new, and fun and cuddly to focus on. I won't mention the poop scooping, oops just did!  
I learned to ride as a child, have had occasional ride as an adult, but envy you getting back to that. Feeling the wind accross your face, the freedom as you canter gently through the countryside, or gallop like h*ll if you feel like it!
You are amazing to be seeing the positives in life already, but I guess you have had a long time to think about it.
What a journey Suszy, what a tough few years you have had. It must, and it will get better. I have to believe that for all of you. I hope you don't mind me posting like this, I am aware that it's all very well for me etc. So I hope and   I don't cause offense.

Jo, should have checked your diary before I posted. Hope you ok, and getting through. It does work sometimes Jo, you must hold on to that thought.  

Pand and Lainey, not long till you start. I guess that goes for you too, it does work sometimes     .


It's half term for us next week  .
Not got a lot planned yet. Hope to get together with some friends and their cherubs, but am a bit slow off the mark getting myself organised!
Have managed to persuade dd that she doesn't need a birthday party (nov) this year, and we are taking her to London for the weekend instead. Have got to go and book that. If anyone has any ideas as to what we should do, would appreciate some thoughts. Wanted to take her to see MammaMia, but the only tickets we can get are twice the face value price of £59 so have knocked that idea on the head. But she wants to go ice skating at the natural history museum. DP will have to do that, so that should be entertaining! Might even bring video camera for that! 

Love and hope to you all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

It's me again,
I am STILL on the computer!!! Been faffing about on computer, have registered on ********. Been checking out some ex boyfriends!!!! Wish they all had photos!!!
Anyone need a friend on there, give me a pm! (I am billy no mates!)
MUST book hotel for dd's birthday trip. I am bad mummy on puter all day, with house to clean, and dinner to prepare  !
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi ladies, just a quicky, me and dh have decided to seperate, things have been bad for a while but we tried our hardest to make it work,but think its beyond repair, so im officially now not ttc now so prob wont be posting on here  , but if you dont mind im still going to keep reading just to keep up with how your all doing.
you have all been so kind and welcoming, and i wish you all evry bit of luck in the world.
take care 
love
emma
xxx


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls

firstly emma   - i am so so sorry honey, I (and hope she does not mind me saying jobo) probably know more than any one the strain this puts on ones relationship - it happens quite a lot as think if there were issues to start with they can only get worse.  When me and dh were having a bad go at each other the other night i said we had to improve towards each other otherwise that would be it,
keep strong honey and please keep reading and posting and cinders as if i do give up i still want to post on here!
just found out a girl who got preg with her iui when i did mine and her baby is one tomorrow has also just split with her dh and it does happen its so sad though

cinders   thanks for your kind words and so appreciate you saying stuff and dont think anyone takes offence despite you having a bump!!!!!! you had SIF long enough and know us well enough to remember the pain. i know you feel you cannot post but you have such agood things to post and such positive knowing things and we all love you so much. i am still going to post even if i give up will probably still come on this thread but will see if there is one about puppies!  you are so right about the relief or release because I dont have to do anything and I am not saying we have totally drawn the line and that my mind does not wander but its nice to be off the treadmill for a while.  Ang is donating again probably in Jan so that is off the cards so we can sit back and get on with the stuff we need to do and then take stock but by that time I will have a baby in my arms just a fur one.  i made a couple of phone calls and was nearly crying talking to them as i rmember how much i loved my tessie.  R u up for meeting us as i am free one of the days if anyone fancies it although have something on friday pm. went pony trekking a lot when younger but love horses although know had work would like to go again.

jobo   good luck for the scan on monday and sorry have not been here for you as much as should and just hope its going well adn that dh is being a bit more supportive but feel you do so mch alone but you know you have us and we are all here for you.  good luck fr the scan and hope he inj are going well  i was so pleased you got to talk to that girl and that it turned out so well and that she was wworried about you and now you have an ally how nice.

pand   i can only be strong because you have been strong in the past and shown me a good example as has everyone on here in their own different ways and you lot are there to catch me i know that so i can take bigger bolder steps with that kind of support. i am a bit worried for dh quite unusal for me as you know as he had no support so will pass on your blesses.  we are excited about the puppy but will not rush. any news on your cycle and so glad you are going to be positive about it because you might as well enjoy it as for two weeks you think you are preg and thats a wonderful feeling

lainey   any news on your cycle, i need something to focus on and you pand and jobo are it.  thanks for your support and please dont feel too sad for me as you need to be in a good place for your cycle and i really am doing ok promise not even af can put me down at mo (despite sorry tmi) having to work out which one of the bits might be the embies, might go and put the little bits in the garden somewhere and plant something on it as for none of my m/c or bfns have I anything to show, i might also buy abit of that forest of that leaflet we were looking at.

missy how are you doing honey, hows the clommid and the bms - would be so lovely if you had some good news for us

ffh thanks sweetheart for your lovely comments

wbg thanks adn i love your picture

jane hope you are having a good weekend and look forward to seeing you next week

dustyrose hope you are ok honey

dizzy thanks for your kind words

ec hope you are ok

emsy hope you are good


rambling thanks sweetheart

lyndalou thanks and any news on your fet

love to everyone else, going out with dh so need to get on.

really am feeling good girls and not sure why other than excited about a puppy and made some calls tonight, i have been out and been invited out to loads of things which has been good to save boring you will update my diary and have had random acts of kindess from people buying me lunch to a free facial although lost voucher and meeting up with old school friends and just feeling alive if that makes sense.  its confusing to feel a bit happy after feeling so devestated but the anger has subsided and i feel a calmness and am ready to sort stuff and work out the future.
will ramble more in my diary.  Not sure what to do with the whole ff thing as dont want to desert everyone but may go back to posting once or twice a week or may contact some of you my email, i am not leaving but will not be on every day well i will to start but think you know what i mean.
need to go now but as ever will be back soon. also still really pleased with ds at school as he doing so well has some lovely friends and play dates, loves his extra lessons and is going to start the guitar soon.
dh started the hedges so one side is done, we are going out tonight to have a few drinks dn meet up with old school people and there is a bowling party tomorrow - have a few nice things planned again next week and half term is just around the corner.
sorry have missed so many out but still love you all

love
susie


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Suszy - you are being so brave hun, well done . I'm glad you're feeling good but don't worry if you start to fall or wobble as we're all here to pick you up. Getting a new puppy will be a lovely thing for you to focus on and I look forward to hearing all about it. The idea to put the "bits" in the garden is a lovely one, as is the one to buy part of that forest from the leaflet that you gave us a copy of. You _have _ been there for me hun so please don't be worrying about that. As for my DH, well in the middle of (yet another) argument earlier, he told me I could "forget about going to the Priory" and I could "shove it up my f*cking @rse" which kind of buggers things for Monday when I'm supposed to go in with my payment of £2K+ (with his credit card) for the next bit of tx. I don't mind you mentioning me to Emma, no. I sometimes wonder if the only reason I'm with DH is in a desperate attempt to conceive no.2. How awful is that ? I am just so sick of being so miserable and it is him who causes most of it. Anyway, you take very good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing 

Emma - sorry to hear about you and DH . As Suszy has so rightly said, all this puts a big strain on the best of relationships. Hope you're OK 

Cinders - you are never offensive hun and it's lovely to hear from you .

Lainey & Pand - hope you're looking forward to joining me with the jabbing. Lots of     for you both.

As for me, well after my earlier argument with DH I am pretty down but this just seems to be normal for our relationship which is rapidly going down the pan. He really doesn't care, never asks how I am, never comforts me when I'm down or upset and never helps out when I've got my tx headaches or just feel [email protected] from the whole thing. I give up. As I said earlier, I really feel that I'm just clinging to the faint possibility that I may fall pg at some point and obviously I need DH for that so that is why I stay with him. How awful is that ? It is him who has made me feel like this.

Had a joint 1st & 4th birthday party this afternoon which was the party from hell. There were heavily pg women everywhere, very small babies, and DS was the only "only child" . To make matters worse, a woman who I'd met once at a previous party with the same people asked if I'd look after her 4 month old baby whilst she went for a ride on a train (party was at model railway, she didn't just randomly decide to go on a train ). Only went for DS's benefit....the "friend" has been very insensitive to me in the past, doing things like texting me she was pg with no.2 knowing full well what I was going through, and saying things like "don't know what your problem is" etc. etc. She didn't even bother to speak to me at the party but I have to say I have distanced myself from her quite considerably so I'm not surprised.

Does anyone want to get together over half term ? I have no plans set in stone as yet but DH is working which is probably a good thing !

Lots of love to everyone and a super-big hug for Suszy


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## ramblingrose

HI everyone, just a very quick one tonight. Hope you are all ok. Suszy you are a great lady.

Emma I'm sorry to hear about you and your DH. In fact, I have to admit me and DH are going through a very rough patch right now and we had a huge argument earlier. At the moment I feel unsupported and isolated. So I too totally understand the strain all this puts on a relationship, and how often these men just don't get how we are feeling at all. I hope you are ok and things work out for you in the way you want them to.

Hugs to everyone having a bad time. I myself am not sure whether the strain of TTC and all the crap is putting the strain on, or if the relationship is iffy anyway; at the moment I just can't tell. I'm not even sure if I'm kidding myself about the IVF potential because DH seems to have little interest in anything but his work right now.

love to all.

xxx


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## dustyrose

Knock Knock... 

Wow. So much happening and why can't any of it be good for us? 
Emma, it must be really difficult at the moment as you've had so much going on. I really feel for you hon, and Im sad to hear you and DH have decided to take some time apart. Please know we are here for you even if you are off the ttc rollercoaster for now.  

Jobo, it is just sh*te that you are having to cycle feeling like this and having such pressure hon, its really uncalled for  (I hope Im not being to forward in my thoughts). I can understand that men handle pressure differently, often by running away and denying it but come on. I think this subject really winds me up because I have said your exact words at least a handful of times that last few years.  Dh and I have had our fair share of problems most of which are the result of IF, deaths, and DH's workaholic lifestyle. I can empathise with the lack of support or even just a simple, 'honey are you okay?'. We had huge rows before we decided to proceed to IVF. It sounds like you are the person in the family that keeps it all together and right now you're vulnerable and such a range of emotions-you need some support. I wish there was a way to communicate to all the men in the world that we are actually quite simple beings and our needs are not that complex. A simple cuddle or 'I understand' or even a cuppa would make a womans day, am I right? Honey, you've come so far...take each step in treatment as best as you can and remind yourself that this is all you can do. Im sending you the biggest hug. PM or ** if you ever need someone to just vent to and have a lil virtual cry with. Im here hon. We all are....   

Susie, I hope you don't mind me saying this as I know we have never met before but I truly believe that you are destined for a full life and to be honest, I find the freedom that you speak of something of an upside to moving on...your strength is an inspiration to for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other until things become clearer to me on this journey. We are here for you and understand your need to get on with things, deep down that is what we all want, isn't it so of course it will be such a gift to us all when you do post. I will miss hearing your thoughts and feelings so don't stay away too long!  

Lainey, stay as positive   as you can. This board has been getting a lot of stick lately but miracles do happen and you may be next. You deserve this   and we will be here for you and help keep you strong. xx

Pand, How are you? 

Talitha, Hope you are well. 

Rambling Rose 

Jane 

Bubbs not sure if you still are reading but thinking of you and hope that you are being looked after  

Missyb   


Faithful how are you? 

Lynda, hope you are okay hon 

Wouldbegr8, I hope you have found a bit more answers and hope for the next step. We are here for you.   


Nothing good or inspiring from me on the IF side of life, I am afraid. I went for my booking in consult up in Oxford and had a scan. Was devasted to find out that I had 12 follicles on one ovary and 11 on the other. Nurse says this is an indication of polycystic ovaries. So Im now adding this to the list of absolute s**te that is going on between my belly button and nether bits. What the ----??!!!! WHY? I dont know where to go from here. I don't want to do IVF now and thinking I should take it a bit slow and try clomid as I hear this can work for PCO for some people. Im so confused. Is this a sign from God? 

One positive and this might help you make decision Susie, We just got a lil puppy this week and have to admit, I adore her & she is taking so much of the empty feelings away. Even the broodiness so there is definitely something to be said about having a furbaby. If my journey is going to end soon, then I know that puppy, has been sent to us as a gift and I am really grateful she is with us. My dd calls her 'sisterdog' which I really love and you know what, it may seem weird to many, especialy fertile friends but I just don't care. It works for us. 

I think I'll end it on that note. Love to you all. Lets see who leaves the Xfactor...oh! Its girlband! xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dustyrose

Rambling Rose,

Just read your post and must say there seems to be a theme for many of us feeling very unsupported by our other halves at the most crucial times of this whole IVF stress. I do think it is the strain of infertility and ttc. Our sex lives are affected, our emotions are up and down and its the mars and venus thing. Men tend to take their stress to work and forget to come home! Thinking of you


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## missyb

morning all!


ive just been having a quick catch up on here.  i sooo want to cry. i have been on here for over 18 mths and we just always seem to get battered, although there has been some good things happen they just seem to be few and far between. it just seems so unfair. my ff's over that time have kept me sane, made me laugh and ive had a good cry with. i want to have a 2-year old type tantrum and shout it's not fair!!!


big   for rambling rose, emma and jobo.. these [email protected]@dy men just dont have a clue do they?? we dont want much.. just a hug or some tea and sympathy. the treatments affect us so much and yet nothing changes for them!me and dp had a huge row a while ago and he told me that i liked being a martyr!! it was like a red rag to a bull! he was going to be the first clomid related attack victim!! we are quite chilled on the whole but it does take it's toll.


dustyrose   sorry about your pcos. we just seem to get one obstacle after another eh? dont give up though, clomid may well help. i dont want to go down the ivf route too and i dont really know when to call it a day. hope you are ok though hun.

hi suzy...    you have always been an inspiration to us long term ff'ers. no matter what has been going on with you you still  have time to make sure that we are all ok. love ya to bits. im glad that you are feeling so positive. you deserve a bit  (alot!) of serenity. we are always here for you as you have been to us xx thank you for your good wishes.


hi jobo.. just wanted to give you a big hug sweetheart..the party sounds like the party from hell and your 'friend' sounds like a cow! im sorry that dh is still being dh.. you deserve better.   

hi pand... how are you my lovely?

hi cinders... when are we going to get headless bump pics! 

hi lainey...how are you? lots of     beig sent your way.

hi lynda-lou hope you are well.


to anyone ive missed   


amanda xx


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## jobo5572

Hello ladies.

Working from home today after my hospital appointment this morning so have the freedom to surf the net and catch up with you all (whilst working very hard at the same time of course ).

Suszy - how are you doing hun ? You have been such an inspiration hun and I can't believe you have the strength to support others at this time. That is so lovely of you. Any news on the puppy ?

ramblingrose - sorry to hear things are bad between you and DH too . I have said on here before the same thing as you have said, in that I can't remember if our relationship was iffy before all this SIF stuff started or it's the SIF stuff that's made it so bad. I suspect a mixture of the two though. My DH just doesn't give a stuff - he didn't utter a word to me this morning before I left for the hospital, like "good luck" or something. He couldn't even be arsed to come with me - he only starts work at 2pm today so had plenty of time to come with me for support, but no. I give up ! Feel free to PM me if it all gets too much with DH - we can rant/cry together ! Thinking of you 

dustyrose - hi hun. Thanks for your lovely words . WRT your scan, are they sure you have polycystic ovaries ? The reason I ask is that a few years ago I had a similar scan where they found quite a few follies (11/12) but I was told that it had to be 13 or more to be at risk of PCOS. I was told I was "slightly polycystic" but that it wasn't an issue. In fact scans since then have shown as little as 2 follies. If you read my IVF diary you'll see that today they've found "quite a few" (didn't count them) on each ovary so it's very up and down. WRT my DH - you're right - I _am _ the one who holds this entire family/house together and I am absolutely run ragged with it all. Topped with going through IVF I'm amazed I'm still standing. I have told DH in the past that I don't expect miracles, but something as simple as putting his arm around me when I'm wailing uncontrollably would do - but I still get nothing. I give up, I really do. I think I'm hardened now to knowing I have no support from him, but I am dreading the outcome of the IVF if it's a bfn, as he will probably just shrug his shoulders and say "oh well", or ask me "why are you crying" which is a favourite of his. Men . How's your puppy ?

MissyB - hope you're OK hun. You're right about DH too - in fact I'd like all my SIFF's to join me in battering him to a pulp . You up for it ?!

Lainey - how are you feeling about starting tx this week ? Hope you're OK hun . Lots of   for your tx.

Pand - hope you have a good week at work before half term when you can have a week off ! How are you feeling about your appt on Wednesday ? Hope you're OK hun . Remember I'll be there for you - to throw back all your advice that you've given me !!! Loads of   for your tx too 

As for me, well I had my baseline scan this morning (which I was dreading) and I think things have gone OK, shock horror . My lining is as it should be and my ovaries aren't active. Had a bit of trouble finding the right ovary which was a little worrying but it's not the first time that's happened at dildocam - in fact in the past they've had to externally ultrasound scan me too to try and find the little bugger. Panic over though, and apparently it was tucked behind my uterus. Both ovaries have quite a few follies on them which apparently is a good sign, but it could also be a bad sign in that I may over-stimulate . Why can't anything be straight forward ?! I was shown how to mix the drugs wand water together and how to angle to needle correctly in the bottle and draw it down etc. and I'm sure that by the time I get round to doing it I will be in a blind panic and will bodge it up and spill the mixture all over the place ! I start stimming on Thursday this week, and they want to scan me next week on Day 7 of stimming as well as on Day 12 and possibly inbetween if things seem to be getting a bit too active. I tell you, if my ovaries get too active I won't need a scan as I'll have died of shock !! The little buggers have been lazing around I think for the past 3 years - in fact even when I was on Clomid I only had 2 follies - on one ovary !!! Bit ruddy late to wake up now chaps ! So, a lot happier than I was yesterday as I was really dreading bad news today. Still the distinct possibility that it's not going to be plain sailing from here on, but at least I have jumped over one hurdle successfully so far. Bring on the rest !

Thanks to everyone for your support throughout my tx - I really appreciate it, thank you  

Must get some work done before I pick up DS from school.

Love to all

Jo


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## missyb

hey jobo... so glad that you are feeling a bit more positive. i hope that you have some plain sailing and no more obstacles... im always up for a bit of dh bashing! af is gearing up, my boss needs to work on his people skills and im feeling fat so these are the right emotions when preparing for said bashing!!! stilettoes or steal toecaps hun


amanda


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## lainey-lou

YAY!!!!!  Well done Jo       Remember, one hurdle at a time and you have jumped this one no problems.  I can only dream of having loads of follies with my clapped out ovaries  

I am sure DH must care deep down or he wouldn't be spending your hard earned cash on IVF    I sometimes think men just don't know how to handle things so hide in their shell (or at work) to avoid confrontation or disappointment.  Either that or he is a git  

Emma - I am so sorry to hear about you and DH.  My DH and I have always had a very solid and good marriage but the last couple of years have been rocky and I can honestly say there have been times I have wanted to walk away.  So it is true that IF puts a massive strain on any marriage.  I hope you are ok and bearing up in the circumstances.  Is there no chance of you two patching things up?  

Susie - you are so brave my lovely.  I hope I can be as brave as you if this doesn't work (I fear not).  What sort of puppy are you getting?   

Pand - all ready for your cycle?  I know I'm not.  I am feeling really negative and a bit despondant about it all.  I feel like stamping my feet and saying "I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!".  How about you?   

Cinders - I was going to suggest meeting at half-term but as you are off this week and we are off next that won't be possible    I hope your bump is growing nicely  

Dusty - I am not an expert on PCO but I thought you had to have loads of follies to be considered as having them.   Some people get 20 eggs when having IVF so that suggests at least 20 follies.  I am confused.  Again, I can only dream of having a multitude of follies - hopefully loads of follies means loads of eggs in your case.

Ramblingrose - sorry to hear that you and DH are having a rough patch too  

Missy - I can see the headline now "Man butchered by wife in Clomid fuelled frenzy"    You do make me laugh.

Bubbs - you haven't posted for ages.  I hope you are ok.  

Hi to Lyndalou, FFH, WBG, Emsy and anyone else I've missed.

I am not atall prepared to this cycle, as mentioned above.  I just feel so negative after Susie's negative.  I suppose I had always thought that if this round didn't work I could use donor and, of course, that would work.  Now I feel a bit desperate and worried.  There are no guarantees and I am now afraid of an unsuccessful outcome all round.  

Also, I am going to a naming ceremony next Saturday in Newcastle and I am a godparent so I have to go.  My AF is due Wednesday, which means first scan next Thursday and EC potentially (yes, you guessed it) next Saturday.  Each time I have had that first scan I have been ready for EC so it seems quite likely to clash.  Do you think there is any way they can delay a couple of days?  It would be lunacy to start if I can't make EC.  I suppose I have to ring them really.  Pants, pants, pants  

Sorry to be so miserable.

Lainey x


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## lainey-lou

Oooh, hi Missy.  Our posts crossed.

More male bashing?  I can see another headline coming on  

L x


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## jobo5572

Missy - I've got steel toe capped Doc Martens which I have ready and am able to use for DH bashing !  Thank you for agreeing to help out  .  We can be each other's alibi !  Hope AF stays away for you, the wicked old witchy cow bag.

Lainey - if I could give you some of my follies hun, then I would.  I reckon the sonographer had marks on her glasses anyway, or should've gone to Specsavers....I couldn't make anything out on the screen so I reckon she was seeing things !  Try not to feel too despondent about your tx - I know we're all feeling very negative after what's just happened to Suszy but I'm sure if she found out she'd be down on us all like a tonne of bricks to give us a big slap.  Take it little by little and don't think too far ahead - we're all here for you to help you all the way and will be there for you on the other side, whatever the outcome  .  Ring the clinic to explain about the naming day and see what they suggest - there must be something they can do  ?


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## missyb

i like the alibi idea!!   mine is behaving so far but if not im sure you'll return the favour!!


aw lainey   if you dont mind beige babies you can have some of my eggs   just take one step at a time hun and like jobo said suzy would kick our asses if she knew that we were being negative because of her situation, she has been always so full of support for all of us.         


hi pand how are you doing sweetheart??



amanda xx


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## missyb

just read your diary pand   and lots of           
being sent your way xx


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## jobo5572

Pand - I will be crossing everything for you hun, including leg, armpit, eyebrow and nose hairs, legs, arms, fingers, toes, eyes, spare tyres, (o)(o) - my what a delightful sight I'll be (as ever)


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## SUSZY

HI girls    
so sorry have not been around for a day or so been busy - out most days and nights and looking for doggies on the net.  Feel bit guilty for not coming on to check re Jobos scan yesterday and to see where lainey and pand are with their cycles.  Thanks for all your lovely supportive comments again it means such a lot.
jobo glad the scan went well and good luck for stimming later this week     lainey and pand please let me know dates etc - will go and read your diary pand and good luck for tomorrow     

you were right to say missy and jobo that i would be down on you   for being negative and I realise that I was wrong to say that the two donor cycles had not worked (and Angela pointed this out to me on another thread quite rightly) as the first one did work it was just there was something wrong with the embryo.
If you have a look at the DE newbie thread there are about 9 pregnancies on there and about 3/4 of them are with twins, ok some of the girls it took about 6 goes but they did get there.  You can go on a waiting list in the uk ok it will take time or go anywhere in the world for clinics and with donor eggs you have more time.
I think the chance with donor eggs is about 60 per cent and for whatever reason this is just not my time, I have done everything both natural and medically and am just accepting that that this is not my path at the mo.  We have said this is the end but we may change our minds in the next few months as with donor eggs you can although - I am not saying we will but ds is going to be 7 in feb and I am going to be 45 and the whole point was to get a sibling for him to play with and this is what i wanted 3/4 and 5 years ago and the gap is just getting bigger and bigger and he will be able to play with the doggy.
I have also looked around the class room and realised that there are about 6 kids who have much older siblings (like 5-10 years) and that its quite easy and good to have play dates  and one day sleep overs with them which are easier than worrying about two.   As I have said before because I am feeling better I can see positives in everything.
I have been making phone calls and doing research and dogs and last night dh was in one room looking up about teaching dogs trickes and i was looking for black/golden labradors (working or gun dog ones that are a bit smaller than normal)  I even went to see two yesterday my eye was drawn to twins in the advert but they were 11 weeks old quite bit and did not hit the spot.  I feel I am transferring my feelings and longings to the puppy although perhaps not healthy is doing the trick and I also know its going to be hard work - and in my ideal vision would like to see the mum with her litter of puppies (pref even preg) chose the one we want and go back and visit a few times and then bring it home with us.  I found a couple of litters that are ready this week and next so am going to speak to them.  dusty your pup sounds lovely and love the whole sister dog what a great thing and its so good for kids to have pets (thanks for your comments made me have a lump in my throat)
of course its going to be hard work and ironically mayb after half term will be better as we have some days out planned which will have to be altered if we have a puppy at home.
so please girls be positive for me  you need to send positive thoughts out into the universe to manifest good things back, i need to remain up and if you lot are all doom and gloom that will make me feel down! now surely thats a good reason to try and be positive although this thread has had more than its fair share of bad luck.

i am sorry so many of you arehaving a hard time wth the men, i had to have a severe talk with dh and say that if we were not nice to each other through this time then it was over for us and we do seem to be united in grief/puppy etc
dusty sorry to hear about pco an dhope you get to the bottom of it
missy   
rambling- sorry tohear about probs with dh, dh and i have had a terrible time and he has been working very hard but with this credit crunch on can understand it a bit, we have had such a rough patch and are only a bit better at mo due to this last crisis.  Its all so hard
lainey hope naming ceremony goes ok and that you sort appts etc out and you get in the vibe
i really want to do personals but am tired and its late but wanted to thank you all again.
good luck jobo pand and lainey
love to you everyone else good luck        ^pray
ps as i am still doing this dh is onto some credit card company having a go at them about some interest - glad he is so careful.
Do you know I have often typed dog god - do you think there might be something in it.
have i gone completely mad!
i have a sore throat and should really get to bed
love you all
can you pm me your emails
love
susie


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## ramblingrose

Hiya ladies. Just a quickie as I'm off to work soon.

Jo, glad the scan went well and I'm keeping everything crossed for you!

Suszy, that was a really thought provoking post. You are right - there is a lot to be said for staying positive, even if sometimes it isn't easy. I think I used all my positve vibes up earlier in the year with my grandparents (and they worked!) but I promise to try and find a few more  

I can totally identify with your search for a dog  - we were in this very position 2 years ago. We lost our lovely dog who was 12 years old, and even though I had said no more because of the tie-ing aspect etc (not to mention the dog hair!) the house just seemed to empty and I so wanted DS to have someone/thing to play with -so we got our golden retriever. Being as we're being positive,I won't regale you with horrow stories about how he destroyed the house    but he definitely has helped filling the house and giving us another focus for at least some of the time. Give me a bell if you want any tips!

Right, better get my bum off the chair and get to work - only 2 shifts left there as I finish tomorrow (new job starts week today - yikes!) so that'll be a change to get used to after almost 4 years where I am now.

Take care everyone

xxx


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## SUSZY

hi girls
just q quickie as I should be raking leaves up.
Thanks rambling and I wil be after some tips, I did have a dog when I was about 26 and I do realise they are hard work and I am not looking forward to the hair or the poo and we have still not ironed out the whole asthma thing with ds but it seems to be better now.
i realise its going to be tying and can see lots of cons but the pros out way them.
you know I have known about trying to be postive etc for a long time but this intro to life coaching woman who is so totally inspiring and uplifting has really got me thinking about things.  Like what else in life other than a baby is there for me, what drains and uplifts me and to spent less time on the former and more on the latter etc etc
the whole credit crunch is terrible and I have been worrying about the bad winter we are all going to have but there will be some positives from a negative there always are.  I for one am now glad that my dh has always been so careful about money.
A big positive for me at the mo from the whole IF stuff is the fact that I found FF and all you lovely girls.
I will be coming back on here and might go over to the moving on thread and search out a doggy thread as lots of us have fur babies.
Pand i hope it went well today and thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck

lainey you too sweetheart hope your cycle starts soon and does well
jobo well done follie lady!!! and good luck for stimming tomorrow, now I do think it gets hard then, if you need company for EC I could always pop down if you wanted.

good luck everyone else
lots of love to you all
love
susie


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## Pand

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't been online for a bit, was away at the weekend for parent's Ruby Wedding anniversary.  I am definitely in their good books for making a cake, and taking them out for a lovely dinner even if I am more broke than ever!

Suzy - You truly are my inspiration at the moment.  I'm going to do my best to follow your advice and be positive.  I must admit, I really agree with you about seeing the positives in having only one and I think I'm not kidding myself anymore.  I'm feeling pretty strong and sharing your journey with you is helping me lots.  Thank you.

Jobo - You're such a lovely support and such a thoughtful person.  Thank you for always being there for me even when you're having such a hard time yourself.

Missyb -   gratefully received and right back at ya!  How you doing chick?

Rambling - given what a year you've had I'm not surprised your positive vibes pot is looking a little empty!  What is your new job?  Good luck for when you start!

Lainey - My god!! EC next Saturday, that's come round so quick!  I really hope it works out for you chick.  Have you sorted out what you're going to do.  I totally understand your feelings of despondency... I must admit I feel like this cycle is just a case of ticking a box before we begin to draw a line under all of this and move on finally.  I'm not sure what we will do if this cycle fails, but I think I will certainly take a break for a few months, if not knock it on the head.  But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  I know better, as I'm sure you do, than to set anything in stone!  I really have got everything crossed for you.  You deserve a good outcome.

Dusty -  Really sorry to hear about the POS hun.  If you have no problems with your tubes, I would def go for clomid first.  It's supposed to really help.  Leave IVF as your back up plan.  Clomid is much cheaper.  Good luck chick.  

Cinders - Hope the melon is behaving itself!  It's so lovely that you post on here.  You are one of the old soldiers and are very much still part of the gang.  

Hi to anyone and everyone else... I've only caught up with recent posts so apologise if I've missed anyone out!!!  

Well I have the drugs, the needles etc and start down regging tonight. I feel pretty ambivalent about it all to be honest.  As I said earlier in the post, I feel like this is probably the last step before drawing a line under my IF and moving on with my life, but I just have to clear this last hurdle. I'm going to take it one step at a time.  I honestly, in my heart of hearts, believe that we are meant to be a family of three and I think I'm finally reaching a place where I'm ok with that.  I won't rabbit on too much cos I'm writing a diary so I won't bore you guys.  Baseline is 13th Nov, EC pencilled for 26th Nov and test day provisionally 11th Dec... that's if my lazy ars*d ovaries pull their finger out and bother to produce any eggs!!!!  Who knows!!  I know from the last cycle to not count any chickens!!!

Had some really sad news tonight too.  One of DH's cousins who were pregnant with their first at the wedding I went to in Sept have been for their scan today, only to find the baby died at eight weeks.  I'm absolutely gutted for them.  I'm so relieved that I made the effort to congratulate them on their news at the wedding tho, even though it took everything I had to do so. I would have really hated myself if I hadn't have done.  I still feel guilty for being so jealous of them tho.  Isn't IF awful?

Anyway, best stop rabbiting on!  A diary to do now!

Love to you all

Pand


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## ramblingrose

Oh Pand, how sad for your DH's cousin; they must be devastated. Jeez, it's a good job we don't know what life is going to throw at us in advance, isn't it?

Wishing you all the best for your tx;  Like you say, you need to give it a go this time to see what happens; you really can't do more than that.  With a little bit of luck it might work out for you and I hope so much that it does. I think Suszy has a great attitude (I need to get myself one of these life coaches!!) and maybe we can all join together with a bit of the positivity to outweigh the horrible bits  

I think ambivalence is the way forward to be honest!!I'm trying to be ambivalent about my new job!! Feels weird having my last day at work tomorrow; been through a lot there over the years, but time to move on I think.

Hope everyone else is ok.

xxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls

i am doing an intro to Life coaching course and she is truely and inspiration and uplifting lady and will let you know her web site, she seems to do it all feng shui, money magnet, job magnet (not sure about the baby magnet) but its all the same stuff clear the clutter from your head, heart, body and house (still working on that) and think positive thoughts!
Its hard work and exhausting but I am liking the outcome.
Last week we wrote a list of our drainers (things that drain us and it could be people/situ/jobs you name it) and a list of uplifters things that make us feel great and we are supposed to aim for less of the first and more of the 2nd - sure I have told you that already.
quite glad the course not on tonight (she on a cruise) as feel tired and have a bit of a sore throat - am back on the back of the cupboard multi vits rather than the top of the range pre preg ones that I was taking. also think I have been burning candle at both ends.

Pand so glad it went well today and that you are on the rollercoaster and dont get off til you get to the end, will be with you every step of the way- thanks for the support, glad I am an inspriration dont know why but still feel ok good luck for tomorrow down regging!

jobo good luck for tomorrow stimming - you have done so well and I know you are doing a lone but am here for you and wish you well

lainey not sure if I missed something a text or message but EC being so soon feel i missed something but the best of luck honey - here for you

rambling good luck for your last day and good luck for the new job - here for you sweetheart and thanks for your support

emma how are you feeling honey, here for you 

emsy - hope you are ok

ffh loved your post on diff thread think you and me are in same positon now

cinders lovey let us know how you are sweetheart - we are all rooting for you

jane d looking forward to seeing you on Friday - you are an inspiration to me at the mo

missby hope you are doing well mrs clomid lady and if you have good news we want to know.


dusty hope you are puppy are well and good luck honey


lyndalou, wbg, EC bubbs and everyone else       

have been spending lots of time on internet re pups and think have found just what I am looking for but they are not having puppies til Feb but they sound perfect and we will be able to meet the parents before hand, choose the pups when they are three weeks old (we number five in waiting list!) and go and visit any time we want.  She does not breed in winter and Feb when they are going to be born hopefully and April when we take them home seems ages off but in some ways I think its right we dont rush.  It will give us time top plan and hope and get excited and then i worry that perhaps they wont get pregnant and not sure I could cope with that.
however in some ways it means I can calm down now and perhaps go back to the gym for the next three months, relax and enjoy and take some long deep breaths as feel a bit stressed at heart.  Feel bit like a hamster in a wheel have to keep going to keep happy and yet know I have to relax as well. Have had more than my fair share of wine tonight and am tired probably symptoms I should take notice off.  I am still ok and if we have found the pup then thats great esp if we are not rushing.

love to you all and so excited for the golden oldies going through their tx.
love you all as ever
  
love
susie


----------



## Jo1983

Hi Ladies.....please can i join in again?

I've not posted for such a long time but as a few of you know I've still been checking up and pm'ing you. 

I'm on my 1st ivf cycle at last, I have my baseline scan on Monday at 10am  

Please forgive me for not doing any personals, I just wanted to say hi to you all and that I haven't forgotten you.

I'll catch up with the last few pages and will be back on tonight to do personals as we're off bowling at 6pm tonight.

Take care all, lot's of love and luck  

Jo xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Suszy - it's so lovely that you're still giving us your super posts - I love reading them and you always have such great advice for us all  .  Glad you've been kept busy with one thing and another and that you've had time to look for pups on the net and stuff.  You are such an inspiration being able to see the positives in life and it sounds like the life coaching stuff is really helping....I think perhaps I need to source something like that close to me too as I have been living in la-la land for a bit too long I think and need to touch base with reality !  Love the idea of writing down the list of drainers in your life and the list of uplifters and focussing on the latter.  Trouble is, I'd need a bloody big piece of paper for the drainers and a postage stamp sized piece for the uplifters I think  !  Still here for you hun throughout your journey, whichever way it takes you, and thank you so much for your supportive texts  

ramblingrose - good luck with your new job  .  Are things any better with DH ?  Hope you're OK  

Pand - hi fellow junkie  .  Do you think they'd let us enter the Olympics with our synchronised jabbing ?!  Hope DR goes OK for you and you don't get the yucky headaches you had last time.  Looking forward to some crazy texts once the drugs take a hold  !  Don't feel bad about feeling jealous towards any of the family members that are pg (including the cousin that's sadly just found out that they've mc'd).  As I've said to you already, it's SIF that makes you feel this way, not the real you, and you were very courageous to go and speak to all of them at the wedding in September so don't forget that.  Keep me posted on how you're getting on with DR'ing and looking forward to seeing you soon.  Thank you so much for all your support and advice so far  

Jo1983 - welcome back, and good luck with your tx     - you seem to be a week behind me with your dates.  Hope you enjoyed bowling.

Lainey - good luck for stimming hun     - have everything crossed for you too, and thanks for your lovely texts of support  

As for me, well I start stimming tonight and I can just imagine syringes, needles, powder, water, glass, blood, sweat & tears all over the room later !  I'm sure I'll make a complete hash of it all as I'm such a dopey mare  .  

Had a bit of a nightmare day today - started off with school photos for DS - I got really p1ssed off and upset when we had a note home about it a few weeks ago, where they basically said that those with siblings would take priority over those without - I really took that to heart  .  Had images in my head of the entire class (or the entire school) being photographed first, and DS standing on his own waiting around for everyone to finish.  OK, so that's probably a complete exaggeration and I'm sure there's more children than him that are only children, but I couldn't help but feel sad for him.  Anyway, he seems OK about it and didn't mention anything, so I probably over-reacted as usual.  Hormones !  The day didn't get much better, as the bloke that sits behind me at work is expecting his second child any moment - which is fine - but he keeps going on and on and on and on and on about it and I just want to tell him to shut up !  In all fairness to him, he has no idea of my situation, but the girl that I've recently made friends with that's a primary IF sufferer is in his team and he IS aware of her situation.  Mind you, he's a bloke, and it probably hasn't even crossed his mind that perhaps she doesn't need to hear his constant wittering.

If any of you have been reading my tx diary, you'll have seen that I was raging the other day at my mother (again !).  To cut a long story short, through her nosying around, she found a slip that I'd sent into school with DS informing them that I may be having an op soon (EC) so she quizzed me on what it was all about - I just told her "it might be my IVF".  I really really didn't want to tell her I was doing it, as for one she always has to make out that she's worse off than everyone else and she'll now make out that she's stressed/worried/can't sleep etc. etc., and secondly because she can't keep anything to herself, like when I announced my pg with DS at 6 weeks and told her to keep it to herself - within half an hour of telling her, a distant cousin phoned up to congratulate me after my mother had spread the word   - I don't want everyone to know about the IVF as I don't want people (except you lot of course !) asking me for updates on how things are going etc. etc. and people hassling me at testing time (again, except you lot).  I was so annoyed, and still am, but I haven't said anything as an argument wouldn't be worth my while....long story, but I really don't get on well with my mother at the best of times.

Anyway, had a day out with work yesterday, coppicing in a local woods - never done it before and I actually quite enjoyed it and I felt so much better for having a day in the fresh air rather than being stuck in a stuffy office.  It cleared my fuzzy head temporarily and took my mind off things for a bit which was good.

Thank you all for your lovely messages of support during my tx  

Love to all

Jo


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls
Hope you are all ok and good luck for all of you on tx - so many and good luck       jobo hope stimming going well, pand hope down regging going well and lainey you too and the best of luck jo83 its all happening and wishing you all the best.

missy hope you and clommid going ok!
rambling and dusty hope you ok
jane look forward to seeing you tomorrow
emma how are you feeling honey
emsy how are you
cinders thinking of you
bubbs hope you are ok
ffh hope you ok
wbg how are you
lyndalou hope you are ok
love to everyone else

have found a litter of pups that are 6 wks old black labs and we can see them this weekend and get them next weekend if we want so could be a busy weekend!
I wont be on ff for a few days as off to morecamb for my friends 40th bday, then back home to take dhs car to the scrap yard will be sad as he has had it since 95/6 then off to see the pups, have fairly busy week for half term shame we cannot meet up but have to again soon- will be back soon with updates.
will be thinking of you pand, jobo and lainey and jo83 on your ivf journeys and wishing you all the best and to everyone else.


----------



## Jo1983

I spotted this on a different thread and thought it was beautiful.  

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics,
or money or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my
child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a 
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen. And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.  

    

~Author Unknown


----------



## Jo1983

Hello again

I think I'm the only person on here who hasn't got a life and spends all day on the laptop  

Suzy; Awwwww, puppies.......our puppy is just over 6 months old now and is still terrorising the house and garden, apparently it lasts for around 18 months   so only a year left to go   Black labs are beautiful dogs they are very loving and greedy too as my friend found out when hers ate her pants every time she put them on the radiator to dry  
am thinking of you hun, i wish i had at least a smidgen of your courage and strength, you are an amazing lady. 

Jobo; How's the stimming going? I am a week behind you just about. Have you got a date for ec yet? They've told me if everything goes to plan then it will be week beginning 10th November, but I'm egg sharing so have to wait for my recipient to be ready too, I can't begin to imagine how she must be feeling, I mean it's bad enough for me sniffing every day but at least I'm doing something, she will be just waiting on the clinic calling to say how my baseline scan goes and ec etc. Did you get bad headaches when downregging? mine are terrible.....more at night time though.

Pand; How is your tx going? are you still downregging or stimming?

Emma; I'm so sorry to hear about you and dh, the pressure of IF is unbelievable and there have been many times over the last few months when me and dh have spoken about splitting up, it's awful what IF does to you, as if we all don't suffer enough. Is there no chance of a reconciliation between you?

Cinders; how are you and your bump hun? Haven't spoken to you for a while. I hope you're all well.

Me; Well I'm on day 17 of downregging and have been the worst person in the world to live with, dh says he is moving into the garage  
I have my baseline scan on Monday at 10am and am not sure how I feel about it as I have been having a little blood when I go to the toilet (tmi sorry) have been reassured by a few lovey ladies on here that they had it too and it's nothing to worry about. But you can't help but worry can you.
I can't actually believe that it's all happening, it seems to have taken forever to get here, but now I'm actually on my first and hopefully last cycle of ivf I can't believe it's happening  

It's half term here this week, and it's flown by, ds has had a few friends over and he had a sleepover at his friends on Wednesday which he loved, we went bowling last night and I won....oh yes that's right, I was so happy, I even got a strike   ds was feeling a big boy and wouldn't use the rail thingy to roll the ball down and he got a strike too, couldn't believe it! Dh is taking ds fishing tomo and I have to have a pot of maggots in the fridge overnight.....oh how lovely  
Right well I've got lots of cleaning to do and have promised ds we'd make some banana bread and make his ben 10 figures. I'll be back soon to catch up again.

Take care and good luck to those of us who are having tx at the minute.

Love to all  
Jo xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Suszy - hope you have a good time in Morecambe - a person from my recent dreams parents live there  .  Exciting news about the pups - do let us know how you get on.  Hope you're OK hun  

Jo1983 - my EC is estimated for 5th November but that may all change.  I have had the headaches from hell during DR'ing with buserelin jabs - they're not nice are they ?  Good luck for your baseline scan on Monday - let us know how you get on  

Pand - thank you so much for our live jabbing session tonight !!  - you're a star  

(For those that haven't seen my diary, my fab friend Pand offered to run through the jab preparation & jabbing with me "live" via mobile speakerphone after my disastrous night last night !!  Honestly, it must've been like something off a comedy sketch  .  I was all fingers and thumbs, and even managed to completely crush the glass top on the solution bottle - luckily I had a rubber cover for it - which I found out from Pand that I had actually used upside down last night  - duh   !!  Anyway, heard quite a lot of laughing down the phone whilst I was fannying around and fretting and then when I was bleeding profusely on my RHS after the jab - glad I was able to provide you with a fond and funny memory of IVF injections Pand !!!  What am I like ?  If it happens again, I'll put it on You-Tube !)

I'm afraid I've come on here to have a little bit of a rant and hopefully you ladies will be able to tell me whether I'm bang out of order, just hormonal, or have every right to batter my DH  .  As I've posted many times before on here, DH has made zilch effort towards getting a healthier diet or doing anything to improve his swimmers (his last test wasn't as good as it could be, and turbo-sperm he ain't).  Well for the past couple of months (well so long I can't remember now)  I've been eating very healthily, have been taking folic acid, cutting out caffeine, don't drink alcohol etc. etc. in a desperate bid to do all I can to aid TTC (not to mention all the sh1tty drugs, clomid & IVF tx).  He has done diddly squat and in fact keeps eating and drinking unhealthy stuff, but not only that, he tries to hide it from me and I think it's the deceit that I hate even more than his lack of effort.  The reason for tonights rant is that I just went downstairs as I could hear him scuttling around doing something, and he shoved something down beside his chair as I walked into the living room - a bowlful of ice cream, and I mean a bowl FULL.  Again, why the deceit ?  Why try to hide it ?  He just told me to "f*** off" when I asked him why he was so deceitful and why wasn't he making the effort.  He keeps going on to me about what a "waste of bloody money" the IVF tx is if it doesn't work -well hello ?  I seem to be doing everything humanly possible to do everything right and have been for a long time, but it takes 2 to f***ing tango.  You probably all think I'm barking mad over 1 bowl of ice cream, but this has gone on for weeks, months, years even.  Last week I found peanut butter he'd hidden at the back of the cupboard, and there are chocolate bars hidden in his glove compartment in the car, plus loads of other fatty and unhealthy stuff keeps appearing - allegedly "it was on offer" and he couldn't possibly resist.  I'm just so bloody angry that he is making no effort whatsoever and it really upsets me.  Yes, 3.5K or whatever IS a lot of money to waste, especially when you don't have it to start with - well he's the one doing the wasting.  If my body works but his swimmers are too knackered cos they're full of crap (much like DH) then there's no chance is there ?  And I'm putting myself through this bloody awful tx for nothing.  Don't get me wrong, I must sound like a right old witch watching what everyone eats, but I'm not.  I don't mind him having the odd nice treat here and there, but this guy takes the ****.  I can't remember the last time any fruit or veg passed his lips.  He is so unhealthy and whilst I know my body can make the tx fail, I can't help thinking that fat, chubby, knackered sperm are just going to stop any slim chance we might have had.  And I'm angry that I'm going through this hormonal nightmare and he doesn't give a toss.

So sorry ladies.....please tell me what you think as I feel like I'm losing the plot  .


----------



## cinders35

Oh my goodness, it is busy on here at the mo!!

Welcome back Jo, and     for your cycle   Loved the poem, the words rang so very true. 

Suszy, hope you are having a nice time away, and good luck with the pups this weekend. Glad that you are so upbeat, but we can take the rough stuff too, if you need to unload  . 

Jobo, you are doing so so well. It feels like your cycle is taking ages. Long protocol is a long haul isn't it!!! But I'm hoping and   for you, that it will all be worth it  . UPDATE: Went to post, and you had just posted Jo. You poor thing hun. I have had similar and actually still have these rows with dp. When we were ttc and he would run himself a hot bath  , but I worry about the [email protected] he eats too. Not just for sperm production now obviously, but for his general health. You are not loosing the plot, it is EXTREMELY frustrating, when you are putting yourself through this, that he doesn't appear capable of any self control, and making any effort  . Thing is, Jo, it's the sperm he produced 2-3 months ago, that will be used for your cycle, so try (if you can  ) not to bother about his icecream just now, don't get yourself in a pickle. It will make no odds now. Just focus on doing the best you can, and if he can't be bothered to be good to you...then be good to yourself. Take a few deep breaths sweety...in 2 3 4, out...2 3 4 !!!

Pand, my lovey, yet again you have proven what kind of person you are. You spoke to those rel's at the wedding and congratulated them, when it hurt you so much to do so  . You can hold your head high.  And now they know what you know, they will understand a little of how hard it was for you. You so deserve this to work Pand, but like you say, one step at a time...
   for d/r and   to headaches!!!!

Lainey hun, what's happening? You still going ahead with the cycle? What about the christening etc?
Focus on those lovely healthy eggs you have in store. Think of how much better your scan went, there is a little   light at the end of your tunnel hun!

Ramblingrose, best of luck with your new job next week  .

Emma, so sorry to hear your news. IF DEFINATELY takes it's toll on relationships! You only have to check out the relationships board to see that! I hope you and your girls get through ok  .

Thankyou for the p.m's re ********, I haven't managed to add everyone as friends yet, as had forgotten a couple of people's names once I was on there  . Sorry! I am still trying to find my way round, and remembering that lot's of people I know can read about me at the mo, as I haven't made it very private yet!
Lainey, your photos are hysterical! Gave me a bit of a giggle any way   ! 

Hope everyone else ok?
Lot's I haven't mentioned, but   to you. Hope that ok? 

Big day for me today, anomoly scan. It went well. The sonographer was fab, the best one I have ever had! You know how they can be a bit quiet, leaving you wondering if they have told you everything? This one was great, she had a quick look, and then went through everything, explaining which blob was the bladder, which blob the ear!! There wre no if's or but's today. It took 10 minutes if that, and we were sent away with a 'everything looks normal.' This really does appear to be happening  , I just keep thinking if I can make it to 30 weeks, then even if it was born early it would have a good chance! Fret, fret, fret   !
I feel so, so blessed, and so very very lucky. That poem earlier in the thread really did mean a lot, I hope (probably naively!) that come march next year I won't groan when I am exhausted getting out of bed for the umpteenth time in a night!!
I think it's time we told our fertilility consultant what's going on now! I feel a long letter coming on...

Hope this ok to post. I felt like I wanted to share some nice news with you, but hopefully not in a gloating kind of way. The guilt that I am pg hasn't gone. I want it for you too. 

Lot's of love,
Cindersxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie as about to go out with DS.

Cinders - it's so lovely to hear your good news and to hear how you're doing  .  Doesn't sound like you're gloating at all hun, and you mustn't feel guilty for being pg, though I know where you're coming from as I would be the same (if I ever get the chance !!!!).  And thank you very much for the reassurance that I'm not losing the plot with DH !!!  He really doesn't care and never makes the effort.  He was still being a pig 2-3 months ago so any spermies will be well and truly sluggish I'm sure.  Grrrrrr  

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Hi Jo - welcome back!  You are cycling with me too.  Good luck with the tx, I hope it works for you    

Cinders - so glad the scan was ok and YES, YOU ARE HAVING A BABY, better start getting used to the idea now  

Susie - you are being so brave.  I hope you really are ok.  The doggie sounds lovely, I am allergic so I can't even have a fur baby    Enjoy your break.  

Pand - how are the jabs going?  Ok, I hope.  I have everything crossed for you this time and hope you get the outcome you deserve.  I was sorry to hear about DH's cousin, what a shame.  You definitely did the right thing congratulating them, it made you look good even if you felt like running away and hiding.  We all feel the same - every time I hear an announcement I make all the right noises (through gritted teeth) and then so home and cry/seethe about it.  You are only human (although sometimes I think you are super-human  ).  Love ya.

Jo - it looks like you really are on your own through all this.  DH clearly doesn't feel the same about it all as you, or if he does he is very good at hiding it) so you just have to do the best you can and hope his spermies come out ok.  I am sure there will be a few good ones in there and, even if there aren't, they can always do ICSI if they are all on lilos, sipping beers and eating chips    You can only be responsible for YOUR actions and as long as you do your best you have nothing to feel bad about.  At least your body will be in tip top shape to receive the embies, that's the most important thing.  Love ya too  

Missy - how is the dreaded clomid?  Killed anyone yet?  

Emma -  

Hi to Rambing, Dusty, WBG, EC, FFH and everyone else I've missed.

Well,  AF arrived a day late, which actually helped (for a change).  It means that my first scan is next Friday and, therefore, EC will be Monday at the earliest.  This means I can do my cycle and go to the naming ceremony next Saturday, hooray.  So, last night I did my first buserelin jab and tonight I start the stims.  I am hoping not to pile on the pounds again like I have in the past.  I have worked really hard in the last two months to lose 9lb so really don't want to put it all back on again (unless I get pg of course).

Not feeling very hopeful - been there, seen it, done it, got the war wounds to prove it.  Just want to get it over with, which is a shame.  In the past I have always felt a bit of excitement at the prospect of IVF because it seemed like our best chance and might actually work, however I don't believe that anymore.  Horribly pessimistic aren't I !

Nothing much else to report.  Plodding along, you know how it is.

Lainey x


----------



## lainey-lou

Forgot to say, a girl who posted on the bun in the oven thread with me last year (before my m/c) sent me a message.  Her little boy is 14 wks old now.  That's how old my boy would have been  

L x


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## Pand

Evening girlies,

Jobo - The mobile jabbing session makes me smile every time I think about it.  I hope you're not offended by that, I mean it in the very best possible sense!  We have shared a unique and funny moment that I don't think either of us will ever forget!!  You will be fine from now on hun.  If you're still a bit wobbly tonight, give me a shout and we can do the same again.

Lainey - Aw mate.  I so understand how it must have felt like a kick in the stomach to hear about the other lady's baby.  It's just so painful thinking what could have been isn't it?  As for tx, I'm not feeling particularly optomistic about mine either chick.  I'm not meaning to be pessimistic it's just that I have this feeling in my heart that we are only meant to be three.  So like you, I'm just going to plod through the tx and get through it.  I think that's all we can do!  Good luck for stimming and fingers crossed for lots of follies chick.

Cinders - I am soooooooooooooo pleased your 20 week scan went well.  You have had enough heartache and you deserve to have a trouble free pregnancy, labout and baby!!!!  You never have nor never will gloat of that I'm sure and no one on here would ever see it like that.  You are still very much one of the golden girls and you will never leave that club my love.  It's just lovely to hear how you're getting on!!!!

Jo - Looks like we are cycling together too!!  I'm on day 4 of down regging (and have three weeks of it, deep joy!).  When's your EC pencilled in for?  Good luck chick.

Keeping it bried tonight cos Merlin has just started.  We are all ok.  Tired and relieved it's half term thank goodness!!!  Will keep you all posted re tx.

Lots of love
Pand


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## lainey-lou

Hi all

It's quiet on here this weekend  

I am feeling really down in the dumps, I don't know why, maybe the drugs??  Can't believe I am going through this AGAIN, it's torture.  I also have this terrible fear that everyone else cycling will get a BFP and I will be the only one who gets a BFN, does that sound awful?  Of course I would love Pand, Jobo and Jo to get BFPs but just don't know what I'd do if I got a -ve at the same time, think I would probably have a nervous breakdown.  I just don't have any faith in my stupid body anymore.

While I'm here thought I would ask if anyone wants to meet up on Wednesday afternoon?  Jobo - you said you are busy Wed am and Suzsy said she might be able to meet Wednesday but that is the only day she might be free, can anyone else make a meet then?  Would be good to catch up  

L x


----------



## dustyrose

What a rainy sunday here....

Lainey, Sorry to hear that you are feeling down today. I can understand your feelings and think its a perfectly normal human response to feel a bit worried about getting a negative amongst friends who may get a +ive. Also, I too have had bouts of self loathing about the fact that my body just won't work properly. However, when I start to think this way, I force myself to start exercising/reading/singing/dancing anything positive because once I start blaming myself, it seems to go downhill from there, a helplessness too much to bear. And none of us don't deserve nor warrant any blame in any of this. 
 to you and   for EC.  Are you close to London?

Cinders, congrats to you on your 20 week scan. I am truly envious over the fact that you can probabily feel your little baby squirming around by now. You give us all hope. 

Pand, good luck with the downregging. Now that I've seen you on telly, it feels much more personal writing to you. Keep updating us on how you are getting one and feeling with it all. Hope the extended family situation eases up over while you are in this process so you can keep all your energy for you and your DH+DS. 

Jobo, how are you doing hon. Im a bit sad that we were not able to cycle together as it would have been our first time and your stories sound like what I expect mine to be. I faint at the sight of needles so when the time comes, it will be mighty interesting...You are a brave lady. for you...

Jo, hope DR doesn't get too awful for you. Thank you so much for sharing the poem with us, it is lovely and I printed it out.  

Missy, How are you?   

Rambling, I wish you loads of luck on the new job. Its a new beginning & opportunity for change and positive energy. I hope you experience all this and more! (MORE as in a BFPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!)  

Susie, great to hear that you've found a litter of pups so soon. I loved being able to see Luna puppy with her mom and sisters. I think it helped us bond and the visits made the wait seem shorter as it was nearly 8 mths until we were able to bring a puppy home.


Ladies, still not too much to report. Im choosing to live in denial about this whole PCO thing. This is a pattern for me when hearing news like this. I did the same when I found out I had endo.  Haven't even had any BMS this month and eating way too much and stopped exercising. Which is stupid and destructive and isn't helping the situation. Im just so darn tired of it all. Im to the point where I don't even want a baby anymore--I just want to escape this stigma of being 'reproductively challenged' and get on with living. I used to be content before I found out I had endo and SI. I still had hope that it might happen--all my reasons why it wasn't happening seemed justified and not nearly as serious as actually having major problems 'down there'. As I continue on this journey, it feels more and more hopeless and I think my whole perspective on life has changed. I went from being in control and zealous of the future to being a martyr and TBH a miserable bitter woman as time goes by and the more I let loose on my feelings and desperation over SI, which I loathe in myself. What I loathe even more is that I am wasting very precious time in life wishing to be pregnant and have more children when I have a beautiful daughter staring at me. Im so afraid that one day when she is older she is going to tell me that she resented me putting all my energy into a child that didn't even exist at the time when she was there needing and wanting my love & time and attention. Not that I am not a loving and attentive mother, because I think I am but there is always that big gaping hole that even strangers can pick up on--so why shouldn't she? What if she grows up thinking, "I was never enough for my mummy". Why can't I be one of those women who are grateful for what they have and just accepts life for what it is? Is enough ever enough? Whoah, Im scaring myself as I am reading what I am typing out to you all. I wasn't expecting to let all this out. Think I might be a bit depressed, run down... Halfheartedly hoping Dh or someone will take notice that Im a bit down in the dumps but I don't think I can blame him if he doesn't. He's probably struggling with it all too. 

Wow, scary man! Im losing the plot. Lainey, I need to take my own advice. I wish I could meet you all. I feel so lonely and just being in the same room as someone who might just understand would be enough for me. 
I am not totally in denial as I did book a second opinion at Create in Wimbledon which is literally on the same block as me! Didn't know this and have been travelling up to Oxford when IVF clinic in my own backyard! Maybe this consult will kick my *ss into gear and be proactive. 

You are all my heroes and I don't know what i would do without you all. I mean that from bottom of my heart. xxx


----------



## Jo1983

Good evening ladies, hope we've all had a great weekend 

Pand; wishing you lots of luck with your tx hun, I'm on day 21 of down regging tomo and at last have my baseline scan....wahoo, although to be honest i'm absolutely crapping myself that it's not working as it should be etc etc. The headaches are horrendous  aren't they, I really hope it's not the same for you. I can't believe you were on the tele and I missed it   Is it going to be repeated do you know?  My ec's pencilled in for week beginning the 10th Nov all being well but as I am egg sharing I have to wait for my recipient too so that could change. Keep your chin up hun and relax as much as you can.  

Jobo; hope you're ok hun, I'm not far behind you am I   I can't believe it's all happening and that it's come to this. I hope that your stimmings going ok now, you're diary did make me chuckle the other day. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall. I may be calling on you for help on Tues evening now that you're a pro and all  
Take care and relax lots......  thoughts only

Lainey; There are lots of us cycling together at the mo, it's sooooo nice to know that you are all here and going through the same as me. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and I too feel that you 3 will get a +ve and I will get a -ve. It's completely natural to put your guard up, I know mines been up since I started down regging. How fantastic it would be for us all to get +ve's   
You need to relax hun and take time out for yourself, it's such a stressful thing to be going through and you can rant and rave as much as you like. 

Dusty; I don't think you have any need to worry that you're daughter will think like that when she's older. The fact that you are even thinking it could happen proves how much of a loving and fantastic mummy you are to her. I too feel lonely and would love to meet up with some of you ladies....it would be so special to know that we all understand what each other is going through without saying a word. Take care hun and don't beat yourself up.....none of this is your fault.....god I wish I would listen to my own advice sometimes.
Sending you a huge   Glad you liked the poem too x



Hi to susie, missy, cinders, rambling, emma, wbg, ffh and all those I haven't mentioned it's not intentional......  and   for you all.

Well, half term is over here and it's back to school for ds tomorrow, although he's had terrible earache and has been sick a few times this evening so that may change. Ds had a football match today and the team played so well, they won 3-2 against a really hard team, it was probably the hardest match that they have played so far. I was so very very proud of him and I had that lump in my throat when you feel so proud that you want to cry......although I held back for fear of embarrassing him in front of his friends  
I love him so much and I hope and pray to god that this tx works and I can give ds the sibling that he has always asked for. My poor dh, I've been terrible to live with over the past 3 weeks and I want him to be able to stroke my tummy in a few weeks time and say hi to his little baby     please please please let this work, not just for me, for all of us on here.

I have baseline scan tomo at 10am so will pop on tomo to update you all. wish me luck  

Take care everyone and have a super week

Love to all
Jo xxx


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## Mrs Woman

Hi all,

I am new here and thought I would come on and introduce myself.  I have a 3 year old daughter who was conceived naturally but since then I have lost both my tubes due to 3 ectopic pregnancies.  It all happened within a year and I still cant quite believe what has happened, it wasnt supposed to be this way.

Anyway, I am currently waiting to hear if the NHS are going to fund us for IVF as an exceptional case (my consultant has applied for exceptional funding based on my medical history - god love him  ) but I am not hopeful of getting it.  I am kind of hoping that they turn us down, and yes I know that sounds very selfish, but I hate not being in control.  We should hear in the next few weeks if they have approved us or not.  If we go private then I am hoping to use my local private hospital where I would also be treated by my NHS consultant and I feel so much more comfortable with that as he knows my history.  The alterntative on the NHS is lots of travelling to our nearest city and then down to Barts for EC and ET.

I have found the last few months very difficult as so many of my friends have either announced their 2nd BFPs or had their 2nd babies.  I am very pleased for them but cant help wonder why I am the only one having problems, why is always so easy for everyone else.  I had an informal chat with the fertility nurse at the private hospital on Friday and now I am just itching to get going on IVF.

I still harbour a small hope that I may get lucky and conceive naturally but there is only about a 1% chance of that will have a high risk of being ectopic as well.  After a year of ttc it is so hard to get my head around the fact that I cant ttc naturally.

Anyway, sorry for such an indulgent post but thats my history.  Hopefully I will become a regular on here and can join in the chat with you all.

Thanks for reading


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## lainey-lou

Morning

Mrs Woman - welcome.  You are in the right place and we all understand what you are going through.  It is a tough journey, but hopefully IVF will do the trick for you, you did manage to get pg 3 times although the outcome was not what you hoped for so that is a big positive in your favour.  

Dusty - I am having treatment at Create.  My scan is on Friday morning, if you are around I could meet you for a quick coffee (it would have to be a quick one as I am off to Newcastle for a naming ceremony), pm me if you are available.  Everything you said in your "rant" is exactly how I feel, I worry so much that I am missing loads of great stuff with DD because I am hankering for something I don't have.  I wish I could just say that I am lucky to have her and move on.  It is not that simple though is it?  

Jo - how did it come to this?  IVF?  That's what I keep thinking too.  Only this is my 4th IVF attempt so I really must be a glutton for punishment    I so hope it works for you.  

Hi to everyone else.

Lainey x


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## Jo1983

Evening all

Baseline scan went really well, everything is as it should be and the Nurse even commented on how thin my womb lining was  
Start my stimms tomo night, what a polava that will be!!! Got a scan next Tues and next Fri and then hopefully ec on the Mon (2 weeks today) I'm going to have 1 blast transferred if it's possible.

Anyway, hope everyone is well and not too cold (it's blooming freezing here)

Love to all
Jo xxx


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## lyndalou

Wow Not been on for bit and its all happening on here!

Hope we get lots of well deserved BFP in the next few months.      

Cinders so glad your scan went well x

Have put my FET back untill next month because af came early which messed up dates for transfer [will be away]
so Nov/Dec it will be.

To everyone cycling at moment


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## ramblingrose

Hi ladies; just popping in quickly as the job starts tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep  

First of all, welcome to Mrs Woman. I know exactly what you mean about everyone around you falling pregnant with their 2nd or actually having them; this is where I am now. I too have 2 knackered tubes and feel very much 'why me?' about it all. We have been trying for our 2nd since my DS was 4 and he is now 8; but we have only found out about the problem with my tubes fairly recently, and are now contemplating IVF. But we definitely get no funding, and I have to travel to Liverpool for it which is about 100 miles from where I live, which doesn't help. We are going to make a defintie decision by around Christmas; til then I am going to try and sort my head out by seeing a shrink and also focusing on my work life and my DS.

Hi of course to all you other lovely ladies; thanks for the good luck vibes ; I hope the tx is going ok for the two Jo's, Lainey and Pand, and hope rest of you are well. I will pop on in the next couple of days and tell you how good or horrible the new job is! haha.

Take care all

xxx


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Apologies if this is all rambly but I'm really tired and should be in bed asleep but wanted to catch up with you all to thank you for your lovely messages of support for me during my tx 

Suszy - hi hun, hope you're OK. Any news on a puppy ? Thank you so much for your card and for your lovely texts 

Cinders - thank you too for your lovely text and my cupcake !

Lainey - good luck for your scan on Friday hun   . I love your description of my DH's swimmers - how right you are !! How's your tx going so far ? Hope you're OK. Sorry to hear about the reminder of how old your little boy would've been - it must hurt so much to think about what might have been. With you completely on worrying about your result of tx compared to others - I can honestly say that I won't be totally happy unless we ALL get a BFP. I would be happy for any of my SIFF's to get a BFP even if I don't, but granted it will be very hard if I'm the only one with the negative. Don't think too far ahead hun - take one step at a time and we're all here to get you through whatever happens 

dustyrose - how're you doing ? If you have such a phobia/fear of needles, will DH help out and do your injections ? Mine said he wouldn't and in any case he works shifts so couldn't be around at the same time every night anyway, so I'm not brave really - I just have no choice !! I completely agree with everything you said about SIF and your DD (in my case DS). It is dreadful that we all feel this way but great that we have each other to help and support. Would be lovely to meet up with you one day - we'll have to sort out another get together soon.

jo1983 - glad your baseline scan went well and I hope you got on OK with your 1st stimming. Good luck for your tx   

lyndalou - good to hear from you. The very best of luck for your tx   

Mrs Woman - welcome !!! Sorry to hear about your 3 ectopics. I know what you mean about friends with their 2nd BFPs or 2nd babies....for me this has been happening for the past few years and it doesn't get any easier unfortunately though I do seem to suss out who will be next with their announcements ! Some of mine have now even had their 2nd & 3rd in the time I've been ttc no.2, and I think the 3rd BFP announcements are even harder as they're so unexpected somehow. I wish they'd all slow down and wait for me !! Anyway, you'll find us all a very friendly bunch on here 

ramblingrose - the very best of luck for your new job tomorrow 

Pand - hi hun . Thank you again for our mobile jabbing session - will remember that for a long long time ! And thank you so much for coming to my scan tomorrow - love you  !

Well if any of you have been reading my tx diary you'll see that I am a complete numpty when it comes to stimming. I just seem to keep cocking it up and therefore if my ovaries are responding as they should be, it's a flaming miracle. I have a scan tomorrow to see how things are going as last week at baseline they said there were quite a few follies so they needed to keep track of what was happening. Pand has very kindly offered to come with me just in case it's bad news, bless her. Hope you're prepared for snot and tears Pand - have you got anything green you could wear  ! DH has no intention of coming with me as he is such an insensitive selfish pig as usual. I feel so guilty for having to rely on my FF's (especially Pand as the poor girl lives so close) for support just because my DH is so horrible. Am now on day 30 of tx and I can't believe it's been so long ! Theoretically this time next week I'll be psyching myself up for EC which is due on 5th November but I know that things could quite easily go tits up before then so I am not getting my hopes up nor am I trying to think that far ahead.

Enjoying not being at work this week as it's half term so I'm looking after DS. It seems ages since we've spent so much time together, but then that's 'cos he started school in September and before that I could have more time with him.

I really must go ladies as I am slurring my typing I'm so tired.

Love to all and apologies to anyone I've missed unintentionally 

Jo


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## SUSZY

Hi 
Sorry been awol and sorry not read through any of the posts yet.
Just wanted you to know that I am still alive and very much kicking.
For some reason I feel so ok its like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, no more worrying about inj, scans, ETs and whats going on inside (sorry girls!) and the waiting is over as there is no more - as I have said if someone gave me 5k tomorrow we may well go again once we found a donor but as I have said before there is age etc to take into account.  Now we can get on with our lives.
We had a lovely weekend looking for cars and puppies, dh is now looking at a soft top conv new beetle or a golf tdi (now before he was not and wonder whether this is due the fact no more money is going on any tx).
The great news is we have found a puppy but am getting nervous although we are all very exicited. By the time we got there three of the four *****es had already been chosen but there were five dogs to chose from but ds wants a girl doggy so she can have puppies!! so we are having her but we keep thinking was she lively enough - why did the others not pick her but I also think we were meant to have her if that makes sense.  i know perhaps we are rushing and we are on the rebound but we have been talking about getting a dog for years (as well as each christmas being our last at trying for a sibling) and that perhaps its not the best time of year with it being so cold etc but I am not sure we can wait another six months and ds is so excited counting down the days.
As its half term we are also fairly busy which is nice and I am so happy with ds at school with his lessons, teachers and friends.
I feel like my old self, like my old original personality is coming to the fore again and I am even happy sometimes and light and dont feel envious of others babies (not saying I would refuse one!)
anyway am rabbiting as ever and am on my way out.
i will be back later to do personals.
i know that jobo is stimming and hope that is going ok and good luck for your  scan tomorrow and how lovely pand going with you and hope that goes ok (just scanned your post)
pand i hope the down regging is going ok
lainey hope your tx inj short prot going well adn good luck for scan friday and Sat (we get our pup that day!)
missby hope that your clomid cycle going well
mrs woman wlcome (just saw your name in jobos post and have not seen yours yet) but you have come to the right place
emma thinking of you and hope you are ok
emsy too thinking of you
ffh hope you are ok
rambling goodl uck with your new job sounds good
jo93 hope your tx going well and good luck stimming
lyndalou good luck for your tx
dusty rose good luck honey
jane d hope you are ok honey
cinders hope you are enjoying your preg at last!
love to everyone else
will be back later
love and best wishes and good lucik for all d/ring  stimming  scans  ECs  (its so weird everyone is cylcing together)    
love to you all 
Susie


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## als2003flower

Hi all sorry for butting in but i wanted to say to:

jobo5572  your diary entry really put a smile on my face 'thank you'          

Not sure if that was intentional but a funny diary to read!! Poor you having a few bad jabs... it doesnt get any easier does it? 

wishing you all the best and everyone else reading this


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## lainey-lou

Hi everyone

Ramblingrose -   for today, hope the job is everything you want it to be.

Jo - thanks for the text.  I will let you spill the beans on your scan  

Pand - you really are lovely, going with Jo when you are having tx yourself.  You are so amazing    Praying you get the result you deserve this time (and Jo of course)   

Susie - oooh a new car and a new dog, you really are moving on.  We look forward to a picture of the new pup when you get her.

Jo1983 - good news on the scan.  I hope you get loads of follies for you and your recipient and the blast you want     

Lyndalou - sorry the dates meant you couldn't have tx this month.  Good luck with the FET, keep us informed won't you  

Hi to everyone else - Cinders, Missy, Dusty, FFH, Mrs Woman, Emma, Emsy and als2003flower.

I am having a bit of a cr*p half term.  DD has caught head lice so we are social lepers at the moment.  Discovered them on Sunday night so it has scuppered all our plans for the week (mind you, the snow wouldn't have helped today anyway .  Snow in October  ).

Nothing else to report.  DH and I seem to be bickering a lot, this always happens when the IVF drugs kick in  .  Probably my fault but he could try and be a bit more understanding and try not to snap back at me all the time  

Scan on Friday and I'm pooing my pants if I'm honest.  Worried there won't be any follies at all and I will have to abandon but at least that would save us some money  

I hope you are all ok and feeling a bit more optimistic than me.  I am sending loads of        and      to my fellow IVFers

And         to everyone 

Lainey x


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## dustyrose

Hello all

Sorry no personals today but Lainey... didnt want to read and run. I wish I was around on Friday--how exciting that you are at Create! I had an appointment with them on Wednesday but they cancelled and couldn't fit me in until end of Nov for initial consult-- having heard they are a bit rubbish at appointments and such--I just decided to forget the whole thing. I wish you loads and loads of luck for Friday though and sorry to hear you are stuck in. 

Big hello to those who are new to posting and massive hug to everyone!

At the moment husband and I decided to put IVF on hold until the New Year and possibly February until after I turn the big 30. Im feeling relieved at this decision as going through a bit of existential crisis at the moment. Im thinking to go away on spiritual retreat or take a lifecoaching course, like Susie has (and seems to be something of tremendous value--Susie you are so positive!). --Im desperate for a change in perspective, for peace and contentment. I've lost balance and I think and TTC has become an obsession-- feels a bit like prison where someone threw away the key! Im sure many of you trying for longer have reached a point like this before. Im not sure if its the start of the end or what? Im just tired of it all and I feel I am wasting life and can't get out of my own head anymore. 

I love you gals so much because you are the only people that I can say this to that truly understand and accept things for what they are. Thank you so much for always being there. xxxxx


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## jobo5572

Afternoon ladies. This may be brief as my fingers are sooooooooo cold I can barely type !!

Suszy - great news about the puppy - when do you get to take her home ? Glad you are still feeling OK hun - you are being so positive, it's amazing, and I wish I could be more like you ! Enjoy the rest of your half term 

als2003flower - thanks for your PM's - how're you doing ?

Lainey-lou - thank you for texting to see how my scan went. Sorry to hear you've got nits !! I spotted some dark bits in DS's hair at rugby on Sunday and I was mortified - me and Pand were rummaging through his head like Nitty Nora the Bug Explorer to see if it was nits but I think it was just mud ! I am dreading the day he comes home with them from school, but then it's so common isn't it ? We still love you, even if you've got nits . Sorry to hear you and DH are bickering, but it probably is the drugs and men will never get it, which just makes it all the worse for us. Good luck on Friday   

dustyrose - glad you feel relieved from deciding to put the IVF on hold - it should give you the time to do the things you want to do to sort out your head etc. The life coaching thing Suszy has done really does sound good doesn't it ? I know what you mean about TTC becoming an obsession - it is something that just happens and I don't think any of us do it deliberately. It's a horrible place to be, and very hard to drag yourself out of it. You can say what you like on here and none of us will judge you as I suspect we're all feeling the same or have done at one point or another - I know I have. Take care 

Pand - I know you will tell me off but you have to have a big THANK YOU from me for coming to my scan with me today. You have been so supportive and helpful to me since I met you and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I cannot believe you are still being so supportive of me when you're going through tx yourself right now, so you more than deserve the coffee cake that I got for you - a special fat and calorie free one so you can eat as much as you like and it doesn't matter . As I said to you earlier, I will accompany you to any of your appointments if DH can't make it, as it is much easier for me to get time off work, and I want to be there for you too. Love you 

Well, I had my scan this morning and I'm a bit confused (nothing new there then !). As far as I remember, as I have the memory of a goldfish, I was booked in today as last week before stimming they could see quite a few follies so needed to check I wasn't over-stimulating. This now seems to have completely changed. Apparently my lining is 3mm, and I have 12 follies (all approx 7x5 or 8x6 - my own little photo album going on in there !!) and a lot of "smalls" - hope she wasn't referring to my knicker drawer  (but then that would've been "larges" !). Oh, and she said something about me being poly/multi-cystic - this doesn't sound good, surely ? Although the scan results are apparently "good", I got the impression it's not as good as it could be as they have upped my dosage of Menopur to 225iu (3 powders) instead of 150iu (2 powders) and they want to see me again on Friday to see if there's any improvement and I may not be on target for EC next Wednesday after all. I am so confused. Is this a good result or not ? It almost seems as if I have the quantity but not the quality. As I haven't done this before I am just so confused....suppose I should've asked more there and then but I just wanted to get out. Had a very stressful morning before I got to the hospital (late) and was just so stressed out ! Was so happy to have Pand in there with me for support, bless her. Although we're very good friends, she did stay behind the curtain so as not to catch an eyeful of my bits on display  . Ooh, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone !!!!

Lots of love and luck to everyone on here. I'm now going off to defrost my fingers.

Jo


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## SUSZY

Afternoon Girls

Mrs woman welcome and I am so sorry about your eptopics - you have come to the right place to moan about 2nd and third babies as we all have the scars of 2ndry IF and we are all here for each other which is lovely.  Its such a relief to be able to write down your feelings and experiences and have others understand what you feel.

jo83 I hope that the scan went well yesterday and good luck for Friday.  Hope the injections are going well.  Do you have any tips on puppys re cages etc??  good luck sweetheart.

jobo - i am confused about your scan too but think lots of follies can only be a good thing surely but am confused about the medication, having never done stimming I dont know but wish you luck for your next scan.  What would we all do without FF and so glad you have Pand to go with you as dh not very supportive atall.

Pand hope your down regging going well, have you had any side effects yet?? have you had any headaches?  Hope you are enjoying half term with ds.  Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Lainey - sorry you are feeling low sweetheart but its quite understandable and you have been through a lot, four ivfs is a lot.  Its understandable to feel  nervous and I am just hoping that you all get BFPs but we all know that is just the start of it. I am sorry about the reminder of the date, I know its hard if I ever see the ones I did my 2ww with last time let alone this time.  We really must meet up in the christmas hols, i am heading to Devon for the weekend before chrimbo as my step grandmum is 90 so perhaps on the way down or back?  or the week after christmas??  I so hope it works for you sweetheart (and all the other girls of course)

Dusty as ever sweetheart your posts are so heart felt and I so identify with them and I have gone through all the emotions that you are going through and have been bitter etc and all I can say is that it will pass and it will get better.  I also relate to you worrying about dd but you are a wonderful caring mum and are doing this as much to get a sibling for her as well as a baby for you. I regret being so sad and down so much so that all I have to do is sniff (from a cold) and ds says are you crying mummy when I dont actually feel like crying now (unless i see a sad film!) I have still not cried properly from my bfn other than getting the bit of blood the day before!  I think its a huge relief when you decide as a couple to delay tx for a couple of months that way you can have a lovely run up to christmas making the most of any invitiations and nice things to do with dd and get in the zone after the new year.
We are all here for you and we have all been through these range of emotions and I remember being so desparate to meet some fellow ffs and wish they lived down the road, as time has progressed I have met more and more and we have done meet ups so we need to plan another one.  You know there is text or the chat facility if you ever get that desparate to speak to like minded people.
I still cannot believe I am being so positive but one of the main things is I have done everything I can both natural and alternative and medical and I am nearingg 45 not 30! and want to enjoy my life again.  I only did four of the evening classes of intro to life coaching but I find the lady so inspirational that her messages have just go through, I think I hve done a lot in the past about positive language and attitude etc that its all just clicked recently if that makes sense.
a friend told me about a free life coaching course and i have just enrolled and got a place for a weekend in Nov, its called the coaching academy and its a free course and they say they dont sell you anything during it but there must be something in it for them but it looks really good so I am going to try it. so have a look they are based in london but courses are spread through the country.  Have a look and good luck and you know you can pm me or text me any time.

missy how is the clommid treating you sweetheart, thinking of you as ever

cinders so glad that your 20 wk scan went so well and thinking of you and please do keep posting as we love to hear from you

emma how are you sweetheart - we are here for you

emsy what are you up too

ffh hope you are doing ok sweetheart

rambling let us know how your job is going - it sounds good.

Still enjoying half term had a lovely day with a new lady and her dd til 330 and then picked up another friend from ds and brought his brother back as well for a couple of hours whilst they watch kung fu panda.  I have realised I have to do more stuff for him like that and because I am feeling more relaxed and ok i actually can get some enjoyment out of it as well. (except film finished and they are going a bit mad in the lounge!!)
Ok folks thats it.
look after yourselves, good luck with the down regging and stimming and scans and ECs.
here for each and every one of you
sorry if I have missed anyone


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Just a quickie as I'm not feeling too great - tmi but have got a dicky tummy which requires frequent hurried trips to the loo  .  Just wanted to ask you all to send positive "get well" vibes to Pand who has been chucking up and running to the loo since last night and isn't feeling very well at all, bless her.  Really hoping you get better soon Pand  .  As if going through tx wasn't bad enough  .  I wish whoever is up there would stop dishing so much [email protected] my friend's way please  .  Give the poor girl a break  .

I'm a bit emotional this evening, probably not helped by feeling so pants.  I've got another scan in the morning to check follie size and I'm really hoping for an improvement on Wednesdays scan   as I don't know what I'll do if it's not an improvement   .  I'm worried as I've read various different posts on this site and I'm not too optimistic as others seem to have much bigger follies than I had (like twice the size) on Wednesday.  As this is all new to me I haven't got a clue.  I guess I should try not to worry and to just see what tomorrow brings but I just don't know any more .

So, all in all, feeling pretty low so am off for an early night.

Get well soon Pand     

Love to all  

Jo


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## EmsyG

Evening girls, just a quickie as I'm still pottering around getting things ready for dd's Birthday tomorrow. She'll be 6! How time flies eh?

Thanks to everyone for giving me a quick mention in your posts, it's rather lovely. I promise to come on properly and read through to do personals. 

I see that there are quite a few cycles all at the same time so wanted to wish you all well! 

Nothing new here, and we're still not focusing on ttc. Can't say it's doing my head much good at the moment as I've been so busy with other stuff, but we'll get there. 

Much love and big squeeze to you all. I shall be back! Mwah!!!


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## SUSZY

Afternoon girls
happy Halloween             

Pand hope you get better soon and sorry to hear you are not feeling so good.

jobo thinking of you at your scan and do hope its good news.

emsy happy bday to your dd

lainey so good luck for these last few days of tx, how are the scans going and do you know if ec will be on monday - thinking of you

jo83 how are you inj etc going

dusty hope you are feeling better honey, here for you and thanks for the lovely note you left on my profile

rambling hope your new job went well.  am up for a meet sometime if you are

emma       hope you are ok

missy hope the clommid being kind to you

ffh hope you are ok too sweetheart

cinderss hope you are ok sweetheart and have a huge bump

love and hugs to you all
we saw the pup again yesterday pm and we are very excited if not a little nervous about it! as know its going to be hard work and the weather has turned so horrid.  Will put up a photo when can.
Love to you all and enjoy the last weekend of half term if you can on all your txs
am here for you so please dont hesitate to pm or text or on here.
i am not coming on as much but my first port of call will be 2ndry
it would be lovely to all meet up in the xmas hols.
love to you all
love
susie


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## lainey-lou

Hi girls

Scan did not go well - only two follicles. Feeling deflated and defeated.s

sorry for lack of personals, feeling a bit sorry for myself. 

x


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## ramblingrose

Hi ladies and happy halloween to you all. I actually really like the board this colour!!! 

I am always hopeless at personals as I can never remember everyone's posts, but I will do a few. Sorry in advance if I miss anything obvious.

Firstly, Lainey-Lou, I am sorry about your disappointing scan results hun; I hope you're ok. What have they said to you about the next steps? 

Jobo, how did your scan go today? I must pop over and read your diary in a minute; this thjread is always my first point of call; maybe I should do the diaries first? Have been thinking of you today.

Pand, so sorry to hear you're not well; hope the puking has stopped. What awful timing for you to be ill, eh? Have a hug and some get well vibes from me.

Suszy your new pup sounds lovely. Don't be getting any new furniture in the near future if you're getting a lab though    Do you know what you're going to call her yet? Bet she is really cute!  Also, you sound really great and positive and you're a great role model; I bow to you and your looking ahead and getting on with it approach - but don't forget everyone is here if you have an off day.

Dustyrose - you too sound as though you are getting your head together a bit. Me and DH have also decided to put off taking anything further until the new year - just too much going on right now and I just want to get this year out of the way; new year new start eh? Lots of     being sent your way.

My new job is going ok so far. I'm just training for the first 4 weeks anyway, and there is a group of us so that's helping. Still not sure about how long I'm going to stick it or if the job itself is really 'me' but going to sit through the training and see how I feel at the end of that. Working full time for the first time in 10 years is going to be a bit of a challenge but it's only for 6 weeks then I drop down to 3 days a week so should be a bit more manageable then.

Just been to see my 37 weeks pg SIL this evening which was a bit hard going but I am excited there is going to be a new baby in the family - just wish it was mine, but am managing the idea of the impending arrival ok so far. Not sure how I will be when he/she arrives mind you, but no point stressing out until it happens I guess. I might surprise myself (but I suspect not!)

Anyway lots of love to everyone else and hope you've not had too many trick or treaters!!!!! I'm looking forward to Bonfire night next week; I love it!

xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Lainey - just wanted to give you an online  .  Good to talk to you this morning and I'm so sorry you didn't get the result you wanted from your scan.  Don't give up hun.  You have 2 good sized follies there and hopefully the DHEA has made them super-top-quality.  Lots of            for your scan on Monday hun  

That's all from me tonight guys as I'm feeling very low and don't want to moan at you all on here - have updated my diary if anyone wants to take a peek.  I'm OK, and my scan was OK but not great news.  Will post when I'm not so darned miserable


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## Jo1983

Good morning ladies

This will only be a short post as I just wanted to say......

Lainey, I'm so sorry darling, don't give up though it's not over hun. Good luck for your scan on Monday, I really hope those follies have had a good kick up the backside and sorted themselves out.   
Sending lot's of love and  's your way xxx

Jobo, Have read your diary hun and have pm'd you. Good luck for your scan on Monday too, those follies will be fine hun, I just know it, it may take a little while longer to get to ec but you will do it   
Sending you lots of love and  's too xxx

Pand, hope you are feeling better my lovely, and d'regging is going well for you.   

Susie, I'll pm you tomo with some tips on the puppy hun  

I will be back on tomo hopefully to post properly, I just couldn't read and run.

My stimming jabs are going really well (or so I think) have my first follie scan on Tues at 10am, please send me some   vibes, I'm crapping myself  

Love and hugs to you all, be back soon xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

So much chatting, I've only been able to skim read posts so will try and catch up another time. 

Just wanted to say Hi to all those cycling at the mo, Lainey, Pand and Jo. Thinking of you all. Lainey sorry that you were disappointed by the scan results. Hope they manage to get some eggs still for you.


Suzy - Glad to see you're sounding upbeat still. I think we are in the same place at the mo, and it really isn't a bad place to be. I'mm feeling the calmest I've felt in a long time. 

Speak soon

Faithful x


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Thanks for the messages of support, they mean a lot

DH and I have decided to cancel our cycle. It just doesn't seem worth going thru EC and spending another £2.5k for two eggs. I may as well just try naturally this month and see what happens. I am feeling really rubbish about the whole thing and want to hid away at the moment. I don't know what we'll do next. Too soon to decide I think. Why have I got so few eggs?  It just doesn't make any sense. 

Love to everyone. 

Lainey x


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Just a quickie from me as I still have a dicky tummy and feel pants  .  Just wanted to say a few thank you's really.

Jo1983 - thanks very much for your lovely PM hun  .  Men  !  Hope stimming is going OK for you.  The very best of luck for your scan on tuesday - have lots of                      as requested !  I too am crapping myself about my next scan (tomorrow morning)...unfortunately literally   (sorry tmi !).  Lots of love  

ramblingrose - thank you too for your lovely PM  .  Hope you're OK  

Cinders - thanks for your supportive texts hun  

Susie - thank you too for your texts and hope you get more sleep tonight !  When my friend got her labrador puppy she put a hot water bottle under his sleeping area and also a ticking clock nearby as apparently that reassures them as it reminds them of their mother  .  Lots of love  

Lainey - so sorry   you feel tx wouldn't be worth it this time hun and I have everything crossed for trying naturally   .  You must be so disappointed, especially after taking the DHEA and your antral results last month.  You're right, it just doesn't make any sense and it is so unfair  .  Did you ask the clinic if they had any reasons why there were only 2 follies ?  You take good care of yourself and give yourselves time to think about what you're going to do next.  Lots of love  

FFH - good to hear from you.  Glad you're feeling so calm - that must be a nice feeling !

Off to watch Strictly before my nightly jabbing session.

Love to all

Jo


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## Pand

Evening everyone,

Sorry I haven't been online much.  It's been a busy week and I'm worn out before I even start back at work.

Jobo - Sorry.    Good luck for tomorrow.  I hope you get some more positive news.  I will be thinking of you. 

Lainey-lou - Hun, I'm so sorry to hear your news.  You must be so gutted.  I can remember how devastated I was earlier this year at the prospect of cancelling the cycle.  You are being very brave and I really do hope that you catch naturally this month.  You deserve to flower.  I'm not expecting much different to be honest, so watch this space and I may be joining you!

FFH - lovely to hear from you. How is DH's job going?

Jo1983 - Glad to hear your stimming jabs are going ok.  Good luck for the scan on Tues.  I'm not surprised you're scared.  I will be pooing myself about mine too!!  Let's hope you're the start of some really good news for all of us!  Fingers crossed for you. 

Ramblingrose - You sound so lovely about your pregnant SIL.  I wish I was as charitable towards mine!  I will try and follow your good example.

Suzy - thank you for all of your lovely texts hun.  I can't believe you are finding the strength to support everyone else when you are going thro so much yourself. The pup sounds lovely... just hope you have a house left at the end of it!!

Cinders -  Glad you are well and hope that your house is back to normal as soon as!!  Thank you for your lovely texts.  I miss you on here.  Keep sending me those positive vibes!

Missyb- Love to you. Hope you're ok chick. xxx

Emsy - Hi to you too!!

And hi to everyone else!

It's been a manic week.  I visited a good friend on Weds who is due to have her baby on the7th.  I was a very good girl, made all the right noises then burst into tears in the car on the way home!!!  Also took some flowers down to my niece's grave despite how SIL and BIL have been. It felt like the right thing to do and I'm glad we did it.  We have done some lovely things together this week, but then, as I'm sure you would know if you've read my diary, DS and I were struck down by an evil tummy but on Thursday!! I felt so sorry for myself and it's taken a few days to get back to normal!!!  We went to Legoland for the Star Wars fireworks yesterday.  We had lots of fun, but OMG, the weather was so awful!! It was freezing and poured with rain all day! We were soaked thro and frozen by the time the fireworks started (preceeded by the trauma of DS losing his little lightsaber whilst we were waiting for them to start!  He broke his heart crying so I went on a mission to find another one, all the time panicking I wouldn't find DH again in the huge crowd of people.. but all's well that ends well!!!).  

So as you can see it's been totally hectic.  Down regging is going ok and apart from when I was poorly, the headaches haven't been too bad, but then I'm back at work this week so that could change!!!  I'm still not convinced this cycle will work.  I'm convinced we will soon be in a similar position to Lainey. I only got four follies last time and that was a year ago, so I'm not holding out much hope!!  Ah well.  Stimming scan is on 13th Nov, so I will keep plodding!

Take care all and speak soon.

Lots of love

Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Good morning everyone

I'm not a nightowl I'm just at work until 3am  

Jobo; you don't have to thank me hun, we all need support at the moment and i'm here when you need me   
Not sure about grabbing the short and curlies think I'll just be chopping a certain something off instead  
Will be thinking about you at your scan today, fingers and everything else crossed for you darling, please let us know how you get on.   
Love and luck for you  

Lainey; I'm so sorry darling, that was such a massive desicion to make, echoing what jobo says, has the clinic not mentioned why you only have 2 follies? They must be able to help somehow surely. You take some time until you decide what the best path for you all to take is. Here for you hun  

Pand; Glad you're feeling better hun, seems as though everyone has had this bug, it's a nasty one by the sounds of it. Glad the headaches are holding off, I suffered terribly last week but since I've been stimming they seem to have held off. Well done you saving the day with the new light saber, what a nightmare ay   Take care hun  

Suzie; have pm'd you hun, love to you  

Love to everyone else.....Cinders   ffh   missy b   emsy   rambling  

Not alot to report from me really, still plodding on with the stimming jabs, they sting don't they  
Me and dh have spent a lovely weekend together, been having a few problems recently so we've just spent some time with each other and it's been really really nice.

My mum had a car accident on Thurs, the car that hit her left the scence  
My poor mum was left injured in the car by herself   They had to call fire engines etc to get her out as none of the doors would open the impact was that bad.
The police found pieces of the number plate all up the road and a peugeot 407 badge stuck to the rear of my mums car, so they have managed to trace the car etc.
Luckily she's ok, thank god. Just hope the people that hit her get what they deserve......makes me so bloody angry  

I'll be back on Tues lunchtime to update you on my follie scan. 

Good luck to everyone and lots of love too.

Feeling quite positive today so lets all have some much needed      

Take care all 
Jo xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies - just a quickie

Jo1983 - hope your mum is OK after her accident and they punish the culprits accordingly  .  Glad you and DH had a good weekend.  Don't go chopping anything off just yet as you will need it soon  .  Wait until afterwards then do it.  Oh, and don't forget to take a cheese grater to his bits first  .  Good luck for your scan tomorrow   

Not good news for me I'm afraid at my scan today  .  I've updated my diary with all the details and don't want to bore you all on here but suffice to say things are going pear-shaped and the cycle may be cancelled on Wednesday when I go back for yet another scan.  Follies aren't growing as well as they should be and my Menopur has been upped yet again to 4 powders.  So much for not doing that last week for fear of over-stimulation eh ?  What a joke that is.  Feeling thoroughly fed up and totally despondent about the whole thing  .  I give up  .  This all sucks.  It's about time someone on here had some good news - come on Jo1983 and Pand


----------



## Luisa01

Hello Everyone,

I hope it's O.K. if I join your thread.  I'm new to the site and currently doing my 1st IVF cycle. This thread seems like the most natural home for me.

I'm the only person I know with 2ndry infertility.  All the other mums I hang out with have had little siblings for their kids.  I feel like the ghost at the feast, forlorn and sad at the thought that I might not have another, but guilty for feeling this way because I have my precious DS.  My DS keeps saying, "Mummy, where is our baby?" and once, (pointing to a child at nursery) "Mummy can we take that baby home?" (not unless he wants mummy to get arrested).  I was so glad to find this thread and to recognise echoes of my own experiences in what I read.  Thank you also Jo for your IVF diary, which has made me laugh and which I could totally relate to - I've been downregging and stimming over the past few weeks in the context of a workaholic+ clueless DH. I'm sending you all the very best  

As for my IVF, after weeks of bldding injections and hormonal misery, I've got 3 smallish follies in play.  They're taking me in for EC on Weds despite the "low yield" At my age, the theory is I'm unlikely to do better in another cycle.  Frankly, I'm relieved/lucky to have got this far, but very conscious of the hurdles I still have to climb.  I've had the lectures re: the dodgy eggs my middle aged ovaries are likely to produce.  I'm like, yeah, I'm well aware of that, guys, but what about the old Dunkirk spirit?   Either way, I have to be realistic about my chances.  So, could you ladies keep your fingers crossed for me? 

Take care,

Luisa xx


----------



## ramblingrose

Hi ladies, just a fairly short one from me as I've got to go and get DS from SIL's in a minute (with her ruddy 37 week bump   ) but just wanted to say a couple of things.

Jobo - I am so sorry hun, I have read your diary and feel so so sorry for you and wish I could give you a proper hug as I can imagine how utterly crap you feel.   You also have a DH very similar to mine it seems (as well as the same mother as me) so I really feel your pain in that respect. Don't give up though. Allow yourself to feel upset because that's completely normal and just take one day at a time; go on wednesday and see what they say. But I sending you a huge cuddle because it sounds like you need one.  

Luisa; welcome to you. Everything you typed I think we all could have written and identify with. I'm still fairly new myself here but everyone is lovely and we are all going through similar feelings and so instinctively we understand straight away how each other is feeling. Good luck with your IVF cycle, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better  

Jo (other one!) sorry to hear about your mum's accident but glad for you that she is 'ok'. And also glad they traced the idiot concerned; I hope they throw the book at him, and your mum recovers well.  Good luck for your follie scan tomorrow.

Pand - charitable about my SIL?!!!! Ha! I must have been having a good day!!!!!! No, seriously, I am really pleased for her but I do feel heartbroken that it isn't me. But it's not her fault this is happening to me, and so that helps if I'm feeling a bit 'woe is me'.  Good luck with the rest of the down-regging.

Love and hugs to everyone else.

New job is going ok. I'm still a bit unsure whether it's for me but training is bearable, although a lot to learn. House is also starting to show the fact that I'm out full-time (!) and DS has wet the bed almost every night in the past week which is not helping my washing pile !!!

I've having a fair few twinges on my lower left side (after the HSG which was nearly 3 months ago!) and I'm really concerned. I had a few today that were so bad that if they carried on I was going to have to come home, but they stopped as quickly as they started. It is worrying me, and I'm seeing my GP next Monday to have a chat with her about it and a couple of other things. I don't think I should be having them this bad though, surely? I did mention it at the last cons appt but she just fobbed me off, and as I'm not going back there I feel a bit abandoned really.

Right, I'd better go and get my DS and prepare myself for the next hour or so of whinging!!! DH is at work til 9 though so I will at least not have his miserable face around for a few hours.

take care everyone.

xxxx


----------



## missyb

hi ladies

i will do my damdest to do a big post as i feel that my post work brain isnt up to much these days!

hi lainey & jobo.. im so sorry that things have been disappointing for you.. i want to make it better and do something to help. i want to have a tantrum and shout 'it's not bloody fair!' i just wanted to know that im thinking of you both   


hi susie... got your text about lola.. you sound happy and in such a good place. thinking of you xx

hi pand.. i wanted to send some       your way. i really hope that this cycle works for you. you have been a busy bee hun.. how is school going? i know that bil & sil wont appreciate what you did or see how they have behaved is wrong... but we know and are proud of you xx 

hi luisa01.. have blown you some bubbles to get you started. you have come to a fab site and the girls on here are wonderful. I could do with some of that Dunkirk spirit myself as dp has mf and i just want some of his boys to get some of the same and find their way to that egg!!!!!

hi jo! good to see you back   so sorry to hear about your mum. i cant believe that someone left her like that... i hope they get all they deserve! good luck for tue  


hi ramblingrose.. how are you doing hun? have the pains gone?


hi faithful & emsy   hope you guys are ok.


as for me im about to start yet another 2ww. i really dont know why im bothering!


hope you are all well. big  for all that need them.


amanda x


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies.  I'm so tired, sorry.  Just wanted to say a few hellos and thank yous.

Jo1983 - good luck for your scan tomorrow   .  Thanks for your PM  

Luisa01 - welcome to the thread  !!  What you said in your post was what most of us on here could also have written and in fact probably have at some point.  Thank you for your best wishes - you can have some right back for yourself too for your tx     .  I wish you the very best of luck for EC on Wednesday.  Keep us posted  

ramblingrose - thanks for the hug !  I really appreciate all the support from people on here - it really means a lot to me, so thank you  .  It's also nice to hear from someone who totally appreciates what having a   of a DH is like and how lonely that can be.  I love your comments about not wanting to see DH's miserable face at 9pm - made me chuckle as I fully appreciate what you mean  .  Glad your new job is going OK.  Sorry to hear you're still having twinges after the HSG and I hope your GP can help.

missyb - good to hear from you and good luck for you 2WW    .  I am also in tantrum mode this evening as I am too tired to be upset.  SIF sucks and it is so unfair.  Love to you  

Pand - thank you for your texts and long PM - really appreciate it all as always hun  .  Glad you seem to have gotten over that tummy bug you had - bleurgh.  Have read your diary - you and DH certainly do make a good team and it is lovely to see the 2 of you together.  Makes me miss what I haven't got sometimes but that is my own fault as perhaps I should've ditched DH years ago and found myself a man that would love me and look after me properly.  Also, I know that I am somewhat lower than even the booby prize in terms of consolation, but you know where I am if you want some company when DH is on lates etc.  You know that I am a shift-widow too so appreciate where you're coming from - main difference being that although I get lonely of an evening, I think I actually prefer DH to be out of my hair !  So sorry you've been upset by the 2 baby announcements today, but like I said to you by text, these things are always hard to bear and whilst undergoing tx are at least 10 times worse.  No matter how hard we try to be positive and not let these things get to us, they always have a habit of doing so.  I know you will say and do all the right things by your friends even though you will be hurting lots inside and I'm proud of you for that  .  WRT work and time off for scans/appts - surely they have to give a little ?  And don't forget to ask me to accompany you when DH is unavailable - I am here to support you, and any excuse to get out of work  .  Please don't let my scan news make you despondent about your own tx - I am really hoping that upping your dosage this time will work wonders for you.  Chin up chuck, and keep plodding along one day at a time  

As for me, well I just don't know !  I am trying to remain positive but not getting very far.  I guess there's nothing I can do until Wednesday when I find out what's what.  However, I really don't want anyone to be despondent about their own tx just cos of what's happened to me so far, please.  The supportive messages, PM's and texts from you all have been so helpful and I don't know where I'd be without it as I get absolutely nothing at home from DH and I am finding it a very lonely and scary process to go through alone, so thank you (you know who you are !!).

Must go to bed now.

Love to all

Jo


----------



## lainey-lou

Luisa - welcome.  I am a high FSH, poor responder too so you are in good company    Good luck with EC  

Missy - good to hear from you and thank you for your text  

Pand - Snap, I had to contend with two pg announcements today too.  It sucks.  Try to stay positive about your tx, one of us must get lucky, surely   

Jo   I am so hoping the extra drugs do the trick for you and you have some lovely ripe follies on Wednesday.  I am afraid I am not the most upbeat person at the moment but there is still hope for you and I hope I haven't been too negative with you.  Naughty Lainey    

We don't deserve this cr*p, none of us.  It makes me so angry that we have to go through this - the endless tests, the prodding, the announcements from smug fertiles, the pity from them too and the month after month of disappointment.  I really feel I must have done something really awful in a past life.  Perhaps I am the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler.  

Susie - glad Lola is helping you to stay positive.  Pictures please!

Cinders - thanks for the texts, you are lovely  

Jo1983 -    for your tx.

Hi to everyone else.

Love you all.

Lainey x


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie as I'm at work where people can see over my shoulder.

Felt dreadful last night after I posted and went to bed as I forgot to mention Lainey and Cinders in my post.  It was DH's fault (as ever  !) as he was rushing me to get off the computer as he wanted to go to bed (let me just clarify not with me !!! PC is in the spare room where he sleeps cos he snores like a pig  ).

Anyway, what I meant to say was:

Lainey - thank you so much for your supportive texts hun  .  Have just read your post from last night and no you haven't been negative with me at all hun.  I am sick to death of the fact that we are all having to go through this utter sh1te - it is so unfair.  I feel so low and miserable myself but I feel even more miserable that my SIF friends are going through the same/worse.  It's awful  .  I also feel pretty pathetic in comparison to what you lot have all been through - I'm only on my 1st round of tx and I'm giving up already.  You are all so much stronger than me.  Sorry to hear you've had pg announcements to contend with at an already miserable time for you.  Take care hun  

Cinders - thank you too for your lovely supportive texts - they mean a lot to me hun and really help .

I must go as I have a team meeting shortly where I will lose the will to live within minutes of it starting.  I am finding at work recently that I am just shutting off and not listening to a word anyone says as frankly I couldn't give a stuff.  I have far more important things on my mind than work.  The first person I saw when I came into work today was the colleague with Primary IF and bless her she was so lovely, asking how I was getting on.  I nearly burst into tears whilst giving her a run down of the past weeks events but I'm so conscious that she must always be thinking that I have DS whereas she doesn't have any children  .  She asks lots of questions and does seem genuinely interested but I don't feel I can tell her exactly how I'm feeling as I don't think she'll understand and I don't want to upset her either.  It is however nice to know that someone at work knows what's going on and knows why I have a miserable face.  I was told by a mother at the school gates this morning that I looked "stressed".  Stressed love ?  You wouldn't believe just how stressed !!!!

Really must go now - have got this page minimised to the minutest size so no-one can see it but it makes it very difficult for me to type when I can barely see it !

Love to you all, and extra good luck today Jo1983 for your scan   

Jo


----------



## Jo1983

Just a quickie from me too today (that's normally dh's trick  )

Thanks so much much everyone for your good luck posts for my scan today.

Have just arrived back from the hospital felling happy and a bit down too.

I have 5 good size follies on the rhs ranging from 9-11mm's and lots and lots of little follies arounnd 6-8mm's. 
The lhs only has 2 follies but they are 10mm's no sign of any smaller ones on lhs.
So in summary I have 7 good size follies and lots and lots of smaller ones that need to god damn well grow and quick sharpish  

I know that this is really good news compared to what some of us have been through this week. Although, I'm egg sharing so have to have at least 8 eggs collected to go ahead otherwise I have to make the heartbreaking desicion of giving all my eggs to my recipient or paying the extra 2 grand to keep them all for myself. (which we can in no way afford so that desicion is already made) 
If I do keep them and it reults in a bfn then I can't egg share again which is understandable. If I give them all to my recipient I would get a free cycle in a few months time.

They have upped my dose to 3 powders and I have a scan again on Fri at 10am, if by some miracle (they were the nurses exact words) they are all up to scratch then I'll be in on Monday but the Nurse said it's more likely to be next Wed for ec now. Why why why does my left ovary just not like me   Come on follies....grow,grow,grow  

I feel terrible for moaning, I know I am doing well, and I'm praying and hoping for everyone else on here to have some much deserved good luck I really am.

Just going to do a little follie dance for Jobo and Pand  come on follies
         

Love and luck to all
Jo xxx


----------



## kittyx

hi can i join you? Ive been posting on cycle buddies and my clinic threads with not much response. It's really hard to keep up with everyones situations but i was wondering if because already have daughter people not so responsive. i don't know. Anyway I have dd aged 4 1/2 and ttc since sept 06. Clomid 6 months, 4 failed iui and now on my first ivf. Drugs have been going ok and i'm due for ec on fri. V nervous especially about trigger injection. Hope to get to know others in similar situations. Haven't really had a chance to read through all the posts on here but will try read up. Love and thoughts with you all Kittyx


----------



## Pand

Just a quickie from me tonight too!!

Kittyx - You are very welcome on here flower.  You are in a very similar position to all of us. We completely understand what secondary infertility is like and there are quite a few of us, me included, who are in the middle of IVF treatment.  Welcome to the mad house.

Jo1983 - Aw hun.  7 follies is really good news, but I totally get what you're saying about the egg sharing.  What a horrible position to be in to have to make those kinds of decisions.  I hope and   that by Friday some of your smaller follies have caught up and that you don't have to face those decisions.  Fingers crossed.  Grow follies grow.

Jobo - I know you're dreading tomorrow hun. I hope to god you get some better news this time.  Let me know how you get on.  Thank you for listening to my moans and groans when you're already going through so much yourself.  

Missby - Glad to hear from you chick.  Good luck with your 2ww.  I know how you feel.

Luisa - Welcome to the thread.  The more the merrier!! We have quite a gang going on here!!  I too am a poor responder. Only four follies last cycle and dreading what's going to happen on this one!!  Good luck with your EC.  Fingers crossed.

Hi to everone else.

Well the headaches have really kicked in now. Had a belter all day.  Am also feeling more negative and down, not assisted by my friend having her baby yesterday... a little girl.  They didn't start trying til long after us, took them a while, and here they are now with her second (his third) child.  I am so jealous it hurts.  I cried buckets last night.  DH is now on lates and has been the last two nights and I've had to deal with it all by myself (except for Jobo's lovely texts!).  I just feel so miserable tonight.  I know the drugs won't be helping, but I'm annoyed with myself for losing my positivity.  I just have a horrible feeling that I'm going to respond even more poorly this time than last time and we won't make it to EC either.  Even if we do.. what's the chances of it working...Why did I let myself get talked into doing this again?  What was the point?  Sorry to be such a whinge pants.  Will try and cheer myself up by eating lots of chocolate.  

Love to you all

Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Just a quick post to say:

Jobo, wishing you all the luck in the world tomo hun, will be thinking of you.  Please let me know how it goes, hope to god it's good news, you deserve it hun   

Pand; save me some of that chocolate  

Jo xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Sorry, weepy old wuss here again  .  Just completely cocked up what is probably my last stimming jab as no doubt my cycle will be cancelled tomorrow - spilt a load of the mixture after the 1st powder so was left with hardly anything to do the other 3 with and hardly anything to inject myself with - about 0.25ml instead of 1ml.  What a f***ing numpty  .  I am so mad with myself and desperately upset as I needed all the help I could get to get my lazy follies to grow for tomorrows scan and by my own doing I've f***ed it up  .  Bless you Pand for trying to reassure me by text, but I really think I've blown it hun.  I was dreading tomorrow anyway as I just don't know what to do if and when they tell me I need to cancel - I will be inconsolable.  I was trying my very hardest to just forget about it and turn up tomorrow and see what happened but I really do think this is now the end  .

Jo1983 - good news on your scan hun, well done !!  I have everything crossed that by Friday your follies will have grown and that the increase in powders does the trick for you   .  Like your comment about DH's trick  .  Good luck hun  

kittyx - welcome to the thread - you've come to the right place.  I too am undergoing IVF tx right now but it may all be cancelled tomorrow, which was originally supposed to be my EC day.  Nice to meet you  

Pand - so sorry you've been so upset by the baby news.  It is so hard to remain positive when things like that happen, so don't beat yourself up about it.  You have been doing a really good job of being positive and looking at all the good things in your life, like DH & DS.  It is also perfectly normal to feel jealous and bitter towards people like that so you mustn't feel bad.  Try not to get too despondent about your tx just yet hun - wait and see what the increased drugs do for you and take one step at a time.  As I have said to you already, I am truly sorry if I am in any way to blame for talking you into another round of tx.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, however, I was clinging to the fact that it seems like my only option of having another baby - how stupid was I ?  You are not a whinge pants, and stop apologising for texting me when you're down - that is what I'm here for, and god knows you have been there for me too.  Love you  

Missyb - thanks for your text hun  

I must get to bed after updating my diary.  Please pray that my follies will have grown tomorrow as I have lost the will.

Love

Jo


----------



## Luisa01

Just wanted to say thank you so much to you lovely ladies for your warm welcome.  Sending you lots of hugs       .  Also, a big hello to Kitty  . I can't tell you what a blessing it is to find like-minded people who've experienced similar stuff.

I just wanted to say that it seems many of us are in the middle of one b*@!? of a week and going thru' various types of specially tailored hell. I am thinking of all of you and wishing you all strength and luck and everything good.              .

I'm off to bed to try and get at least some sleep before tomorrow's fresh onslaught.

l.o.l.
Luisa xxx


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls
I am so sorry my darlings to have been awol when you all needed me.
       
I am not sure what to say to help other than to say you are in my thoughts   and prayers  ( you always are )

Lois01      welcome as you know from reading our posts you have come to the right place and you have a sense of humour too so that helps, good luck with your tx.

kitty    welcommto you too honey and you know you have come to the right place as well.

jane hope you are ok honey thinking of you look forward to meeting up again soon   

mrs woman how are you?? do come back and post!  

jobo sorry you messed up your last jab and i so hope tomorrow is ok for you and wish with all my heart that it goes ahead      thinking of you.
you are allowed honey to be a weepy old wuss - we are all allowed to be down about it all and when you are there its very hard to get out and we are all here for you sweetheart ( its quite nice being the other side as well but can only do t with you lot behind me)
       for your follies honey
so sorry dh being non supportive too but you know we are all here for you

jo83     glad your scan was quite good and hope more follies grow and what a dilemma you are in - i am not sure how you are going to make that decision even though you already have and I am not sure i could do it - thinking of you.  I am so sorry to hear about your mums accident thats really terrible.  Thanks for the puppy tips. grow follies grow   

pand      i am so sorry that you are still having such a hard time and preg announcements and births really dont help. you were very brave and good to go to neices grave and re your friend having a girl.  good luck honey for your tx and so sorry about your headaches coming back.  here for you as ever         

lainey i am so so so rry that your cycle cancelled, I am so so sorry and wish there were something i could do other than       

rambling    glad the training is going well, it sounds like hard wrok but very rewarding - it must be very hard to work full time after so long and am sure your house must suffer.  Not sure how any of our good ladies work and have a child and keep their house etc let alone the whole nightmare of 2ndry if.  my ds has had phases of wetting his bed (not for a while tough) and think sometimes slight change in whats going on in house /school life- or perhaps they just react of our stress and am sure when you are back to three days he will be fine again.

ffh   lovely to hear from you and you are right we are in the same place and it is calm and strangely ok

emma hope you are doing ok honey we are here for you  

cinders sweetheart please come back and post think everyone needs you right now!  

dusty hope you ok sweetheart- here for you and thinking of you as ever -thinking dusty would have been a nice name too how is your doggy?

emsy hope you are ok  

missy good luck for the 2ww you never know honey!!!!!    

love and luck to you all and i mean it - i am still here for you -             ^reiki

I know its hard to believe adn when i think back to how I was and can remember it well and have rantings on paper and on here to prove it but i so feel i am ok on the other side now.  We are so happy with Lola and promise to post photos soon and she is so georg and today i treated her like a baby except dont think a baby would have been stroked by the Mayor of Chester twice whilst he was opening Kelsall play area! then came to meditation with me and slept on my lap for 2 hours, on way in was stroked by about 7 kids after their dance class! then came to school to meet ds then slept in my car whilst we were in new play area then went in garden with 5 kids so she is pretty exhausted. I know it sounds strange but i keep catching myself being happy. i also keep going outside and looking at my house and thinking how lucky i am.
ds keeps saying "'Mummy this is what we have been waiting for isnt it!''
The friend today who I feel has let me down in the past got me some new arrival flowers and both her daughters bought lola a pressie.  she texted me today to ask when she could meet lola and i gave her some options saying i had not hassled her as i know she does not like animals and she said because it meant so much to us/me she wanted to meet her which was so nice and i was very touched.
also puppies have the same effect if not better than babies so many people stopped me today and had a stroke!
all our worries about her have evaporated as she is the perfect dog for us, very laid back, has a mad half an hour then sleeps for ages, but she is only 7.5 weeks old.  We all love her very much. texted the breeder and said how happy we were with her and he said he knew she was the right dog for us!
Also Dh has bought himself a soft top beetle (the one we were supposed to see on sat fell through as the hpi check showed it had been in an accident so he did not want it) then he found one fairly local which a bit more than he wanted to pay for it but we went to collect it last night and its georg, i have not been in it yet but it looks lovely!  Pale blue and I can borrow it sometimes so nice to see him happy and smiling.  it was said taking his other car to one up from the tip a place that gave him 120 and will try and get it back on road if not reuse the parts.
We both agreed that we were having mid life crises buying a soft top car and a puppy but they have been a long time brewing its just come into fruition now and we have been through so much to get here.  I am a bit worried about dh as he mentioned something about a party after christmas before and I said you mean with people!    We have been living so long in the shadow of SIF and not being able to plan etc that its such freedom not to worry anymore. You girls know what I have been through and I am not saying all is rosey in the garden although at the mo most of it seems to be but sometimes I really think you have to be down and be at your worst for along time and then you start climbing up slowly but surely up and you know what - I feel like I am out of the pit and I am so enjoying it.  In lots of ways the fact that Ang is donating to someone else makes it easier to draw the line as we said we were any way and we know that is not an option now and unless someone gives us 5k to go to spain which is  fairly unlikely we are just enjoying life as it is now and its fun to live again and be like we used to be.
I am sorry so many of you are having a hard time and I know its a nightmare and its like a sewer that goes on for ever with its meandering tunnels and you get sucked in like quick sand but if you can grasp on to the stick that I am holding out I can help pull you slowing through.  It takes time and you have to go through hell first but life is ok on the other side and ffh will second that and others whohave moved on.  I have not been on ff atall and this is really the only one I am posting on so need to get back to the othes but I am here for you. pm or text or email me. I am thinking of you a lot.
the only down side is ds starting to cough again and think it might be to do with lola, she is in the lounge asleep and I can smell her so think perhaps we might have to keep her more in the kitchen and stop him hugging and kissing her so much but he loves her so much as we all do and its one of the best things we have ever done as well as the car.
by the way if we have a party after chrimbo you are all invited.
thanks for listening and being there - you make me strong as i know you are all behind me and I love you all
            
good luck jobo for tomorrow, good luck jo83 for fridays scan and good luck pand with the stimming and your next scan.
lots of love and hugs and kisses and healing and light.
Susie
ps i found ff 2 years ago yesterday after my failed iui have been through alot since then but so glad to be out the other side


----------



## emsylou

hey girlies, i hope you are all ok?? 
i havent had chance to read and catch up but will do later when i have a bit more time, thankyou for all of your kind messages.
Well me and dh are still seperated, but we have decided we are going to try and take things slowly, he still isnt living at home and to be honest i havent missed the smell of feet when he comes home from work or the "im nakard em do us a cuppa" lol but i realy want us to try and make it work.
We were talking about ttc and we now know that this was a big part of the argumeents because we both felt so difrently about it and didnt tell one and other how we felt. But we have done lots and lots of talking and have decided that if we work at our marriage and it works then we are going to look into ivf in february, i havnt a clue where to start though but its giving me something to look foreward to some thing for us to work towards. 
Anyways just thought id give you a quick update, feels like i havnt posted for ages lol
Thinking of you all and sending lots of luck 
love emma xxx


----------



## dustyrose

Ladies, 

I know it isn't a BFP but for my heritage it is!!!!!!!!! God Bless America for the Victory of Obama, our first President of Color! A huge sigh of relief from all of us around the globe, i think. A change is gonna come........AMEN!!!!!!

(Yes I am a bit overexcited!) xxxx


----------



## Jane D

Hello

Sorry i have been awol too.  I know a lot is happening at the mo.  I have put my sif into a sealed box for the moment, and feel like I am living again as I once did, just like Susy says.

Firstly - thanks to the people in America for voting in the right guy.  Dusty Rose, I entirely agree with you.  The world hopefully is now in safer hands.

Jobo, I am so sorry to hear about what has been going on.  I can totally understand how anxious you are and upset about last night.  I hope you get good news today.

Emma - glad you are talking things through slowly.  That is all you can do.

Lainey - I am so sorry you cancelled the tx.  The same happened to me in June this year.  Take care.

jo 83 - hope all ok and that you dont have to make any tough decisions.

Pand - I am so sorry you have so many announcements around you.  This is a lot to take.  Good luck with your x.

Rambling - you sound busy.  Take care of yourself.

Susy - yes I am here.  I am fine.  Loved hearing about Lola and all the stroking!!! Lovely to see she is centre of attention like a baby.  So thrilled that your ds is so happy.  The car sounds great and it sounds fun.  You have climbed out now, you will be fine.

I know this sounds corny and unhelpful, but time does help.  12 months ago I got my worst fsh results possible and I cried for days and didnt sleep or eat for 5 days.  That was the worst time ever.  I went thru the motions and did iui then ivf converted to iui. I was not hopeful but did it for dh.  my last iui in June failed and then my dh accepted our remaining option.  An option i had on the back burner when the fsh results came through.  The final option is to become reality next year, as I consider the 57% success rate for Spanish deivf a decent gamble to take.  I know it can work as much as it can fail, but it is the last thing I can do.  I have lined up coping strategies and to be honest, I notice 2 child families less now and I centre everything on dd, giving her all I can.  There is no single human on this planet who has it all.  It is very busy on here at the moment and I wish everyone all the love and luck in the world and the strength to work out what comes next and to face whatever you have to face.  We can all climb out of the tunnel. I have started to live my life again and concentrate on being a family of 3.  If my tx fails, I havent any more tears to shed now. I will keep popping in checking on you all, and of course I will let you know the outcome in Spain.

Love to all

Jane
xx


----------



## SUSZY

Emma good news, dh and i have been bad but now we are much better  not perfect but just taking the pressure of ivf etc away as helped enormously.

Jane - Lovely post and you are an inspiration to me, I know you were so down and you have come such a long way now.

Jobo so hope today has gone well and am thinking of you, have mislaid my phone, dropped mine of for a repair to the spare wheel cover and have a courtesy car (which had only 10 miles on it) brand new and I put Lola in it!!!!! anyway am hoping its there, I did pop back in the car to look for it and did have my bag on the floor whilst sorting all the stuff out so hope no one has pinched it but I am not on text so will check on here later.

jo83 hope your tx going well, have confirmed link on FF there is so many of us

dusty so pleased for you honey, great news, yes you are excited but I dont blame you - its a great result

ds started his first guitar lesson today - its costing a fortune what with extra lessons and this but its so good for him.
I am so pleased with the new teacher who is 22 and wrote her a thank you note over half term and she said today it had made her day! She works so very hard.

thinking of you all as ever girls
lots of love and cuddles to you all
Susie
Ps lola still being so good, yes she chews a bit but we have loads of toys etc and pen her in at night.  She has been excellent doing poos and pees out side but did just find some poo in the lounge for the first time!!!!!!


----------



## kittyx

hi all thanks for welcoming me on this thread.

louisa01 how was your ec? how old is your ds? My dd is 4 1/2. x

Jobo  How was your ec. know what you mean about injections. I have to do my trigger tonight at 12.30. It's the one i'm most worried about. x

Suszy  Your puppy sounds a dream. Great fun. Happy walking x

Emma  hope things work out with dh. It is true about the mars/ venus thing. They can be a strange bunch, good luck x

Jane d good luck with your future plans. x

I haven't managed to read alot of posts on here but the ones i have read are heartfelt. I knew there was alot of people in similar positions but when i first found this site it was quite an eye opener. Many of my friends have 2 or more children and it is hard when you so want to expand your family too and it just doesn't happen. Sometimes people say we should thank our lucky stars we have one wonderful child, and we do, and every night when i go into her room and check on her when she's asleep and my heart is ready to burst with love and pride I know i am doing the right thing going through all this. (for her and for us). She often says she's the only one without a baby brother or sister and i want to cry at her innocence. If she only knew how hard we are trying. She will make such a lovely big sister. But if it is meant to be that i only have her then i'm still grateful and know i have more than some to could have. 
So hopefully things will work out for us and for everyone else in the same boat. 

Love and     and   to everyone 

Kittyx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a very short one from me.  My tx was cancelled today after my scan so it's the end of the road for me just now           .

Thank you all for your support throughout my tx  

I'll post more details later when I can stop crying.


----------



## cinders35

Oh Jo,  
I'm so sorry hun  .
I know just now it feels like the future is as bleak as the grey day we have had here. 
But if you can just muster the strength and cash later on, then you may still have some hope.
Now that the Dr's have got to know your ovaries so to speak, then they might come up with a different protocol and drug regime for you. At least you've only spent the drug money!   Not to be underestimated I know!!!!
I know all that feels like little consolation, and I don't mean to upset you. You have every right to    , and feel low as low can be, it's a big knockback hun  . 
Like I said in my text, you need to organise a night out, and get wrecked!!!! It won't help, but it might just numb it for a bit   !
None of you guys deserve the cr*p we seem to be getting on this board, it's not fair.
Sorry this seems a bit jumbled, bit like my brain   !
So truly sorry Jo,
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## Jo1983

Jo hun, 

I don't know what to say to you   

Please know that I am here for you anytime and that I will be thinking about you over the next few weeks a lot.
Take some time for yourself, and cry and sream and shout and swear as much as you need to. You don't deserve this darling you really do not  

I'm sat here with tears rolling down my cheek   Why oh why can we not get some good new on this thread, I can't believe the run of bad luck that the sif board is getting and always seems to get. This is so   unfair, Lainey and now you. God I want to have a long old talk with whoever is up there and ask him to give us a break just for once. I'm so angry and upset for you, Lainey and Susie.

Love and big   's for you
Jo xxx


----------



## Jo1983

Cinders

Think our posts crossed....you are our one ray of luck and light, Thank You  

Totally agree with what you have said in your last post it makes a lot of sense hun. Truly hope Jobo can muster some strength up and look to a brighter future now the clinic know how she has responded.

Jo xxx


----------



## kittyx

jobo really sorry to hear your news. so dissapointing for you x

I just had acall to say my hormone levels v high and by fri may have overstimulated! Great, now gonna spend the next 36 hours or so worrying. Thought it was all going too well 

Kittyx


----------



## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Well if only it were Halloween tonight as I look so god damned hideous having cried all day that I wouldn't need to dress up. I've just finished my diary if anyone wants to take a peek WRT what happened today (http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=158511.30). Can't put it all on here as I would bore you all to tears.

Suffice to say, my tx has been cancelled as my follies just didn't make it to the required size and I can't stim any longer apparently. Gutted doesn't even come close to how I feel right now. Disappointed, sad, upset, distraught, angry, cheated....the list goes on .

I just have to say a huge thank you to all my ff's who have supported me through my tx, to those of you that have texted me, PM'd me, sent me messages on ******** (tho' careful what you say as no-one knows about the IVF !) and been there for me in person. You all know who you are and I am eternally grateful to you all. The horrendous rollercoaster would've been a lot worse without you. And hats off to all you lovely ladies that have endured the rollercoaster more than once - you are bloody tough cookies - or completely insane !

I must also apologise if I'm a miserable, fed up waste of space for a bit. I'm sure I'll pull myself together at some point but right now I feel so low I just can't see a way to crawl out of this stinking pit. I want you all to know that I am still here for you all and I don't want any of you to shy away from contacting me if you need me - that would make me very sad .

Pand - I know you're feeling despondent hun and I was exactly the same after Suszy & Lainey's news, but please don't let others failures make you feel that yours will be the same. I am praying so hard that this tx will work for you my love, and you know that we are all here for you every step of the way, whatever happens. One step at a time chick. Love you so much for all your help 

Jo1983 - still wishing you loads of luck for your tx  . Keep us posted with how you're getting on please. Sorry I made you cry 

Cinders - you are a love, thank you 

Lainey - mate, what did we do to deserve this ? It is so bloody unfair isn't it ? Sorry I didn't get a chance to phone you today - my bloody mother popped round, which is the last thing I needed today of all days . Think Cinders is right - think you and me need to go out and get sh1t faced - I know it wouldn't solve things but it would feel good at the time. Lots of love hun, and here for you 

Missyb - thanks for your texts 

kittyx - good luck with your tx

Well I think at 9pm tonight I'll probably have another cry, as that is the time that I did my jabs - having done them for nearly 6 weeks it's kind of become a habit. I'm sure in a day or two I won't miss them at all though. Will still be thinking of my synchronized jabbing partner though .

I'm going to go for now but may be back later. Am having a couple of days off work so I don't have to have an early night. Just can't face work at the moment, and feel like some me time - even though I'll probably end up just doing housework or something.

Thank you all for listening to me blethering on.

Love to all

Jo


----------



## Luisa01

Have just read the latest posts on this thread, and wanted to say how terribly, terribly sad I am to hear your news, Jo.  Words cannot express it.  Having read what you've been thru' to get to this point, it's truly evil that this should have happened to you. Take care of yourself. 

L.o.l.
Luisa xx


----------



## Jane D

Jobo

Sorry to hear your news today.  You take it easy and look after yourself.  We will be thinking of you even if you dont fancy posting.
relax whilst off work and have a good sleep.

Love

Jane
xx


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies.

Thanks so much to Luisa01 and Jane D for your messages  

Thanks also to Lainey & Cinders for your texts today  

Still feeling really low and have cried for most of the day  .  Just when I think I'm OK, I set off again.  I know I must seem pathetic and I'm really trying to be strong but it just ain't working.  I know that many of you on here have been through a lot worse than me and you are all very brave and strong ladies for getting through it.  I'm sure time will heal the pain but right now I just can't see that.

I was so upset last night at 9pm when it would've been jab time.  I really need to get a grip.  The school run this morning was absolute hell, and I deliberately set off late and sat in the car until the very last minute and didn't stand at the school gates with all the mothers and their younger children.  I just couldn't face it - it's bad enough at the best of times.  Just took DS to the gates at the last minute whilst keeping my head down and not acknowledging anyone.  If anyone had been nice to me I would've started off again   and made a right fool of myself.  Promptly got back to my car and that was it - blart blart blart      .

I just feel so desperately sad and at a loss as to what to do  .  I phoned my consultants secretary to see if I could get an appointment with him and she has said he will phone me back and he knows about my situation - I should bloody hope so too, as he was allegedly contacted yesterday about it.  Had a lovely surprise gift of some NEXT flowers from a non-SIF friend (she has 3 under 4 actually) which started me off again  .  Have texted some close friends that knew I was undergoing IVF (but no details of any dates etc.) to inform them and the responses have been lovely.  Trouble is, they all want to phone me to talk but I just don't feel up to it.  I don't mean to sound awful, but I only want to talk to people that appreciate what it's like - do you know what I mean ?  I obviously didn't tell them that.  Also emailed the primary IF girl from work as, bless her, she's been texting to ask how I'm doing.  She's been such a love about the whole thing and I am so terribly conscious that she is a primary IF lady and probably half wonders what all the fuss is about as I already have DS.  My mother also popped round with a bunch of flowers which shocked me.  There's never been a strong mother/daughter relationship between us and I find it very uncomfortable talking to her normally, but this morning I was blurting out all sorts of stuff whilst getting hysterical  .  What a mess.

I so wish that we could all live together on an island, protected from the rest of the world and all their babies and bumps (except you Cinders as you're one of us).  You are the ladies that will pull me out of this mess (I hope - sorry to be presumptious) as no-one else gets it.

I'm really hoping for some good news on here soon, as we have been going through tough times for too long now.  I am wishing so much luck to those of you undergoing tx or who are about to start tx         

Sorry for moaning, when on the grand scheme of things I probably don't deserve to be.

Could do with some hugs if anyone has any spare - I really wish we all lived closer to one another.

Thanks ladies


----------



## kittyx

jobo i know you don't know me but these are for you       
Take care kittyx


----------



## SUSZY

jobo
                                                 
hugme^                                                 
hugme^                                                 
hugme^                                                 
hugme^                                                 

jobo I am so so sorry darling I really am, still without my phone and had my course last night so sorry for the delay in replying.
I dont really know what to say to you as its just heartbreaking, to have gone through all that and without the support of dh you must want to just curl up and give up,  I would happily drive down and give you a cuddle and am happy to have another meet up soon and get ****** (tbh have been drinking every night)
I just wish there were something I could say to make it better but I know I cannot other than to say we are here for you.
know what you mean about ******** have been so used to pouring my heart out on here that forget the normal world can see, its all a bit too connected for my liking.
anyway here foryou honey and so so sorry

pand please dont be too negative although easier said than done I know.
Here for you girls phone less at mo as left in my car whilst having a repair and driving around in car which is bran new o nly had 10 on clock when I drove it, now has 110!
take care


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## ramblingrose

Just a quick hello from me as I've been AWOL for a few days (busy and very tired).

Just wanted to send huge hugs to Jo and Pand (well to everyone but you two especially after what you've been through this week.) I'm so sorry things have gone pear-shaped, and I hope you're both being kind to yourselves.   

I'm at a bit of a low ebb really today. Someone I know and like very much who has been struggling with SIF has told me she is finally PG. I am absolutely over the moon for her and her DH as I know how much they want this. But last night I sobbed in bed for a couple of hours because now it really is just me and DH left dealing with this in our wide circle of everyone we know. We are the ones it hasn't happened for, no-one else, and it's hard. Very hard.

I'm trying to stay focused on the new job but it's been a little hard last day or two. I know I'll pick myself up, but with SIL's baby due any minute as well it's pretty hard going and I want to crawl away and hide for a while.

I've made an appt with my GP for Monday as I need to get some counselling to help me deal with this; and I've also had some really nasty pains this week that I need to get sorted.

I'm afraid I'm back in the 'why me?' stage and just need a bit of time to drag myself out of it again. I know you all know what I mean. Those of you who are positive are truly inspirational.

Oh, and yee-haw for Mr Obama getting in. That at least was great news this week.

Love to you all.

x


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## jobo5572

Suszy - thanks so much hun for those online hugs  (very feeble in comparison I'm sorry).  Bless you for saying you'd drive down to give me a hug - much as I'd love you to as a hug from a fellow SIF-er is what I could really do with right now, I'd never forgive myself for you driving all that way, just for me to cover you in snot and tears.  I do live a very lonely existence here, you're right.  OK, DH quite surprised me yesterday when he gave me a hug, but that has been it.  Have spent the entire day alone, crying, and a hug from someone would've made all the difference.  My non-SIF friends that I've told have offered to come and see me but I just don't want to see them right now - I know that must sound awful, and I'm not meaning to shut them out, but I just don't feel I have the energy or the will to talk to them.  If I were to sit blubbering and talking about my cancelled tx with a SIF-er they'd understand my desperation/loss/upset etc., but no-one else truly will and I don't want to **** everyone off by moaning or being a depressed old hag.  Thank you so much hun, your hugs mean the world to me xxx.  How're you doing my love ?  And how's Lola ?  Hope you're OK.  Lots of love to you    

ramblingrose - so so sorry to hear about your SIF friend that is now pg  .  I know you will be happy for her of course, as I think we all would be with fellow SIF people, but that doesn't take away the pain of feeling that you and DH are now the only ones in your circle of friends in that position.  I know it's hard hun, but that is what we're here for.  We too are your circle of friends, albeit online friends rather than in the flesh.  I think it would really help you if you could meet up with some people from here - not sure who's close to you geographically.  We're not all psychos - I may be, but the others are relatively normal (sorry ladies  ).  I'll never forget the day I first met up with Pand, Suszy, Lainey and Cinders - a gigantic weight was lifted from me and it was such a release to be meeting up with people going through the same as me (and worse).  FF has been my lifeline.  I don't know how I could've got through these past few months without it and I just wish I'd known about it years ago when I first had problems ttc.  You are well within your rights to feel "why me".  I am in the same position myself right now  .  Big hugs to you hun  

kittyx - thank you for your hugs too


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## ramblingrose

Aw Jo you are such a lovely lady. I have had more love and thoughts on here than from my supposed friends in real life and relatives too. It probably would help me loads to meet some people from here, maybe in the New Year that might be an option and I would welcome it! (Not sure where you are Jo).

I really feel for you Jo, and identify with everything you put in your post further up. I wish I could make it better for you, and for all of us. The lack of control is inbearable, isn't it?

Hugs and more

xxx


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## kittyx

ramblingrose  I'm sorry you're feeling so low    I too have friends who had SIF and now have their 2nd child! And all around me seems to be babies. I'm pinning my hopes on this ivf and will be devestated if it doesn't work. I heard a friend talking tonight to someone about her last pregnancy. She was saying how much she hated being pregnant. I wanted to hit her. Don't they realise how lucky they are. That's life i guess.  well, you take care,    kittyx


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## dustyrose

.....Jo, grieve honey. We understand. xxxx


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## dustyrose

and here for you, you've been through so much and my words can't quite articulate what Im feeling for you. xxx


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## Jo1983

Jobo

           
         

here for you hun xxx
who are you on ******** hun, I'll add you xxx


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## lainey-lou

ll be back later for a full post but just wanted to say good luck to Jo for her scan today (think its today?) x


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## jobo5572

Good morning ladies.

Jo1983 - good luck for your scan today        . Let us know how you get on 

kittyx - good luck for EC today        

ramblingrose - thank you for your lovely message . My heart goes out to you hun as I know what a lonely and horrible existence this is. I too have had more love, thoughts and support on here than in real life and don't know where I'd be without it. Over the past couple of days I have had lovely messages from non-SIF friends & family that I have now told about the IVF, but I know that they really don't understand. All my friends know about the SIF but no-one asks about it any more - I think they presume I'm over it or something; either that or they're bored with it. My mother put her foot right in it the other day when they came round after our bad news. It was all going well until they came to leave and she said "at least you have DS". Like that makes it OK  ? Oh sh1t, yes, sorry, forgot about him, how careless of me . Here for you hun 

dustyrose - lovely posts hun and hugs received gratefully, thank you 

Lainey - thinking of you hun. Wish we lived closer together and we could have a "poor responders party" and get p1ssed ! Lots of love 

So far so good today - I haven't cried yet . Have even just been to the docs to update her and stayed remarkably calm - might've helped that there was a student in the room too and I didn't want to make a tit of myself. Also, I have to go to the vets soon with my fur baby for his annual jabs - was supposed to be going at 10.45 but the little bugger has decided to go off and hide somewhere ! Didn't fancy going to the vets all red-eyed and blotchy - really not a good look. It's really helping not being at work, as the slightest bit of stress and I'd have been off again.

Have just had a call from my consultant, the wonderful Mr Watts - anyone in Worcestershire should know what a lovely man I'm talking about. He was so nice to me and set me off again . Oops. Basically, he said that what happened to me only occurs occasionally, and is not common (typical ). I asked if what had happened (i.e. poor response) could be a reason why I'm not getting pg naturally (seeing as we _still _ have no reason as to why that ain't happening) but he says no. He has dictated a letter to his secretary for me to explain what he thinks the best course of action is next - a short protocol cycle with Cetratide for 4/5 days and a higher dose of Menopur from the start to give my ovaries a kick up the @rse (my words not his !). I asked about having FSH and AMH tests done and he said he doesn't think that's necessary, as they would result in one of 2 answers - either the hormone and ovarian reserve levels are normal for someone of my age or they are lower than they would expect for someone of my age. He said in either instance he would recommmend the short protocol cycle he's already decided upon for me anyway, and I would save myself £200 by not having the tests ! Talking of money - talk about a kick in the stomach when I opened this morning's post to find a bill for our second increase in Menopur drugs. Not as bad as when we returned from the hospital the other day to find a bill on the doorstep for the first increase in Menopur - I was hysterical.

Now I guess I just need to take some time to get my head around what's happened and think about whether I want to go through it all again. DS has got a Bonfire/Halloween Disco after school today and I am dreading it as I'll be surrounded by bumps and babies and siblings etc. Will have to face a couple of people that I have deliberately avoided over the past couple of days but who have been texting me with lovely messages. Wish me luck !

Wishing lots of love and luck to all the ladies going through tx right now


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## Jo1983

Lainey and Jobo  

Thank You so much for thinking of me today after all you have been through the past few weeks it must be the last thing on your mind, you truly are lovely  

I have 15 follies now and will be having ec on Wed 12th. I'm not going to explain more as I don't feel it's appropriate to do so at the minute with everything that's happened recently.

Kitty; thinking of you today and hope ec went well hun.

Love and luck to everyone and I'll post again over the weekend, thinking of you all  
Jo xxx


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## jobo5572

Jo1983 - that's fantastic news , well done you .  Don't feel you can't share your good news with us all - I certainly don't mind.  We could do with some good news on here right now.  Thank you for your lovely PM


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## lainey-lou

I'm on the iPhone so please excuse any typos

Jo - that's such great news, I hoped those smaller follies would catch up. What a difficult decision u would have had to face otherwise, I didnt envy u that. 

Kitty - sorry, forgot it was EC today. I hope it went well and their fears about overstim were unfounded x

rambling - so understand where u r coming from. I had one secondary ally at school and she is pg now, it makes u feel so alone doesn't it?  What with that and SIL I am not surprised u r finding it hard at the mo. Big hugs x

Jobo - oh hun, I so feel for u, this really is sh1t. At least people around u r trying - I know they don't understand and manage to say all the wrong things but they mean well (even ur mother I expect) and I know its not much but at least dh gave u a hug when u needed it. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone thru and it helps to know u all understand in a way other people can't. In a way ur mum is right - ur ds is truly lovely, my dd got on so well with him and, as my mum once said to me in one of her more profound moments, u have quality, not quantity.

AND if u keep saying how rubbish u r and how we have all been thru more than u, I am going to have to come and spank u. Just because I've had more rounds of IVF than u, it does not make ur pain any less valid than mine (or pands or susies etc)  none of ushave that longed for second child so we r all in the same boat, got it?

god, this has turned into a bit of a rant and now I have run out of time

back later

love to everyone

L x


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## sarylou

Hi ladies. I dont know if anyone will remember me   as its been almost a year I think since I last came on.  

I am so very very sorry to read of so many broken hearts on here   and I just want to give everyone a hug and   for you all xxxxxxxxx

A little catch up on me and a intro for those who dont. 
My names Sarah and I have ds Jordan who turned 10 in August and I married my wonderful Hubby, keith on the 1st August this year.  
We had been ttc in total 3 and a half years and 3 cycles of clomid failed sadly and consult wouldnt give me any more-I was lucky to get that off her. I found out I have PCSO as well as PID which I got from my first mc in 2000. Luckily I dont have much scarring from it but I do have flare ups of infections and general on going pain in my womb. Ive also had several cysts burst with the pcos. 
Last month I found out I was pg-a complete shock and surprise as we only had sex once-I know I know after years of bd all the time I became one of those women I hate by falling pg through one time. But sadly my joy was turned to sorrow when I lost our baby at 5+3 2 weeks ago yesterday   
I've just started counselling and so far so good. I just hope I can sort myself out so that I can learn to be happy and contented with just us 3. I feel my family isnt complete and that just breaks my heart. 
DH has said for the time being ttc is on hold. He is currently going through some personal "issues" and bless him is really not himself so I can completely understand but at the same time I am just crying out to be pg.  
I hope to be back here more often as there are so many wonderful ladies on here-Suszy I remember and Lainey and Pand. And I look forward to meeting the new ladies since I last was here. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## lainey-lou

Sarylou hun - good to hear from u, I certainly remember u. Congratulations on becoming Mrs Keith, I remember u telling us u were getting married. Gosh, that came around quick. 

I am so sorry to hear about ur m/c. A m/c is cruel at the best of times, but to have one after years of trying seems doubly wicked. Please know that we r all still here for u and understand what u r going thru. Love to you and ur dh. 

Jobo - sorry about my rant. U know I love you, right?  Re: your chat with the consultant - he sounds great. He is absolutely right, no point doing FSH and amh if ur doing sp anyway. If I were u I would give it another go cos u had loads of follies and with the right protocol u might be ok. The first round is quite often a bit of a fact finding mission. Noone would blame u if u said no to it tho, ivf is tough. 

Pand - we r all rooting for u and hoping and praying that u get the bfp u deserve. As Jo said, u must not be disheartened by our bad luck. U have every chance of success. Love ya x

Susie - I am so pleased to hear that u r keeping busy and that lola is bringing so much happiness to ur family. Bless ds, sounds like he really loves her x

Cinders - u r a love, still coming on to support us. Glad to hear u can feel wriggling going on in there - it must be amazing x

Hi to everyone else. 

I have been hiding myself away and doing lots of sleeping - this is something I do when depressed. But, life goes on I suppose. It has to for dd. 

Lainey x


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## Pand

Was just catching up on posts tonight and wanted to see what Mr W said to Jobo... he's so lovely isn't he Jo?  Will chat properly tomorrow.

But couldn't read and run tonight.  I have a belting headache (thanks to dr drugs) and don't want to stay online too long.  But Sarylou I remember you too hun.  God I must have been on this forum forever!!!!  But it broke my heart to read your news.  I know exactly how you feel... I fell pregnant naturally last year in June, then lost it at 10 weeks in September.  I still miss the baby I should be holding, and as Lainey said, it's so much more cruel when you suffer from any form of infertility.  You are doing the right thing getting some counselling, it really helped me.  I just wanted you to know, I understand your pain, I really do.  But I am still fighting, and still here and you will be too.  We never know where this strange journey leads us, but coming on here is a great way to speak to people who really understand.  Here for you hun.

Everyone else, will try and find time to post over the weekend to do all the other personals.  Love to all of you having difficult times.

Pand


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## missyb

i remember you too! i just checked my profile and have realised that in march i will have been on here for 2 years... that has made me feel quite   but i have to admit to every cloud there is a silver lining... my lovely ff'ers. 


just a quickie from me as he stoopid laptop is on a go slow and i have a feeling that if i do a mamouth post it will get lost!


hi lainey..   am thinking of you. im always here for you as i know that you have been there for me. xx

hi pand... hope the headache gets better soon hun xx 

hi jobo.. thinking of you hun.. glad the texts cheered you up xx 

hi susie.. what car did you get hun? how is lola doing?

hi jo... fab news (everything crossed for you)

hi to dustyrose,rambling rose and kitty.. hope you guys are all well.

thats it for me because i have a feeling that otherwise it'll be 'laptop says no'


big   to all that need them


amanda


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## jobo5572

Sorry ladies, I'm feeling a bit down tonight and I have nowhere else to air my feelings really  .  Been on my own all evening as DH is working, so of course I have been mulling things over and getting all maudlin and emotional  .  I just wish this bloody great stinking big cloud hanging over my life would shift out of the way.  Why oh why oh why, after waiting so so long for some hope/assistance in ttc after no-one could give us any explanation as to why it wasn't happening, then finally getting referred for IVF, then nearly 6 weeks worth of injecting drugs, did my stupid f***ing body not even make it to EC   ?  It's about 18 months ago now (out of our 3 years of ttc) since we were first told that IVF might have to be an option as they'd exhausted everything else - then tried Clomid for 12 months with no success, put on anti-depressants as in such a state over the whole ttc issue, made to go for counselling, then finally got round to IVF where there was ever such a tiny eensy weensy glimmer of hope that with some assistance we might just get there  .  I was prepared (as much as you can be) to fall at the EC stage, or any point after that, but just not at the stage at which it all went pear shaped for us.  I am so angry and sick of my stupid body right now and feel totally and utterly useless  .  Now our tx journey is over, I feel like I've plummeted right back to months and months ago when there was just no hope whatsoever and no assistance.  I am nowhere near the stage of being able to accept that it's just not going to happen but I am just so sick of feeling so bloody depressed and sad all the time and I am hoping that I am not p1ssing everyone off in my path, including you guys  .  Have I lost the plot with all this or what ?  Or is what I'm feeling perfectly normal at this stage ?  I am just so fed up  

Sorry, me post over with, bad Jo  

Jo1983 - please let us know more about today hun  

sarylou - so so sorry to hear about your mc   .  I hadn't found this site 12 months ago so I don't remember you but look forward to getting to know you if you're going to stick around.  Hope that the counselling helps you begin to come to terms with what has happened  

Lainey - no apology required for your rant at me, but I am very scared of you now  .  However, you are not half as scary as Pand  

missyb - thank you so much for your texts earlier - you really put a smile on my face, and the WW text just topped it completely  .  Hoping old witchy poo pants stays away for you this month, the horrible *****  

OK, now I'm going to have a mini rant of my own.  Seem to keep flitting from anger one minute to being distraught the next at the moment.  I know that the 1st round of tx is seen as an experiment etc., but quite frankly, if they're going to treat us all like guinea pigs and mess around with our bodies just for an experiment, then why at least couldn't they give us the 1st round for free ?  I think it absolutely sucks that just cos we have already been blessed with a child, we have to pay for assistance in having any more.  As if the emotional and physical side of IVF/tx isn't bad enough, we also have to fork out an extortionate amount of money for nothing in a majority of cases.  I know in my PCT, they are now giving primary IFs 2 free rounds of tx on the NHS.  Don't get me wrong, I cannot even begin to imagine how heartbreaking primary must be, and I totally agree they should get tx for free the first time and possibly even the second time, but why oh why don't SIFs get anything  ?

Thank you to anyone still reading this terribly disjointed, rambling, garbled, self-pitying, ranting, moaning post of mine.  I am sorry


----------



## jobo5572

Was it something I said ?

Thank you so much to MissyB, Cinders, Suszy & Lainey for checking up on me with your texts . Your support really means a lot to me. DH seems to have forgotten anything has even happened this week so I am (as usual) going it alone and it is a very dark and lonely place to be doing that . Today seems to be better than yesterday but I keep having the occasional wobble where I get upset, and other times when I get angry that tx ended before it had chance to really begin. But less of my moaning......I'm conscious that I'm perhaps not much help to you all right now as I'm in such a horrible place and I'm sorry for that .

*Pand * - as you know I read your diary earlier, and my heart goes out to you hun . I am so worried about you right now and wish there was something I could do to take away your pain and I wish that I had a magic wand but I'm afraid I haven't. Useless as ever . I know you didn't want to go and see your friend with the newborn, and you were very brave to do it and also shopping for something for the baby. She will have had no idea how hard and painful it was for you to go and visit but we all know what it must've been like and what you did was lovely, so well done. It must've been heartbreaking to see DS with the baby - I'm sure we've all been in that position. But, easily as it is done, you mustn't think that you have let DS down by not providing him with a sibling - as I was told at counselling when I said the very same thing, DS cannot miss what he doesn't know. As I said to you in my texts earlier, you're not to blame for your body not working. We all naturally think that we are but we're not. For goodness sake, it's nothing you've done that is making your body behave in this way. And you have done everything you possibly can to try and provide a sibling for DS and are currently undergoing a 2nd round of gruelling tx when you didn't really want to. If (and only if) you're not successful at getting pg, neither DS or DH are going to hold it against you as DH knows how hard you've tried and DS will know in years to come. I know you say you're doing tx again for DS & DH's benefit, but you should also be doing it for yourself - there must be that little part of you that just had to try again, and I think if you hadn't tried tx again, you would always be wondering "what if....". Feeling negative about the whole thing is a natural defence mechanism that we all feel so it's perfectly normal hun. Please don't be put off by the recent run of "disasters" (as you called us !) - statistics show that tx has to work for some, and who knows if you'll be that next statistic ? I pray to god that you are . No-one knows what the future holds, so try not to think too far ahead. Hun, you have so much love and support, both on here, from friends and at home, that whatever happens, we're right here behind you. But like you kept saying to me throughout my tx, just focus on getting through each day for now and we'll deal with whatever happens when/if it happens. Keep on wading through the thick treacle and if you start to sink we'll be right here to pull you out. I know that no matter what I say to you (you never listen to me !), the way you're feeling is the way you're feeling and I can't stop that, but I'm just trying to put it into perspective for you hun. It breaks my heart to see such a good friend going through so much hurt and pain. I'm sorry that I'm not as strong as I could be right now but I'm still really struggling with my failure this week and having my chance of another child cruelly snatched away from me. Please don't think that I'm not here for you though, as I am and always will be .

Oh no !! It's past midnight so I can no longer type as I've turned into a pumpkin.

Night ladies.


----------



## lainey-lou

Morning!

Jo - sorry we all seem to have ignored u. I have only just caught up. Big hugs to u. This is so tough and no words I say will make u feel better but I am here to listen to u rant and moan any time u like. U r bound to feel down after the week u have had, don't be too hard on urself 

I completely agree re the free ivf. Apparently gov guidelines say that ALL couples should get three free rounds, it is the PCTs who discriminate or limit the no of gos. I think it should be the zsame whereever u live - some areas get two free rounds, some one and in some areas they won't treat u if u r overweight or smoke, etc. This means that someone living a few miles away from u may get more tx than u and this can't be fair. 

On a more positive note, we got our chickens yesterday - we rescued four battery hens who were about to be slaughtered and we brought them home. By now they would have been in dog food and we have had two eggs already. Dd was so excited when we got home and found one had laid an egg inthe car, she had it for breakfast this morning (the egg, not the chicken).  Poor things r so bedraggled by their feathers will grow back. What a nice life we can give them 

They r frightened of the dark apparently as they have never been in the dark and they have never pecked around in a garden before, bless them. 

L x


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## jobo5572

Thank you so much Lainey  .  I know it's tough for you right now too and we've both faced our tx being cancelled this week.  Here for you too hun x.  It's lovely what you have done for those poor chickens...I'd do it too if I didn't have a cat who would eat them all up !  It amazes me how they lay eggs without cracking them - it must smart a bit   !  Lots of love and a big hug to you


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## Jo1983

Jobo

I'm so sorry hun, I'm not ignoring you, we had a fireworks party yesterday and was very busy, plus had sooo much cleaning to do today as you can imagine.
Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are going to feel like this and my heart goes out to you that you are alone with your emotions and feelings at home, I am always here for you to rant and rave at and whatever else you need/want to say you always can hun  
I'm telling you off for apologising for not being there for us at the moment   ...it's us that should be here for you (and Lainey and Pand and Suzie) and of course everyone else.

Sending you a huge   

Lainey; I want some chickens....my dh won't let me as we have a dog and 3 cats, I also want a penguin to keep in my bath, for some reason dh thinks i'm     
Thinking of you hun and what I've wrote to Jobo applies to you to, I am here for you and will always be here for you to talk to. pct's are something of a sore point for me and dh too. dh is wanting to appeal if this ivf is unsucessful as we won't be able to afford another try until at least next summer. It's horrendous how they decide who is eligible for funding, it seems once you have a child people see no reason why you would desperately long for another.  

Pand; I'm off to read your diary hun. I've just read Jobo's post and it seems you may need a huge   too. Please stay positive, there is every chance that this will work for you, lord knows you deserve it. Thinking of you and hoping that those headaches stay away. When is your baseline scan?  

Missy; haven't spoken to you in such a long time, thank you for the positive thoughts and wishing you lots of   right back



Suzie, Cinders, Dusty, Kitty, Rambling, Emma, Sarylou and all you other lovely ladies, thinking of you all and sending lots of   's for everyone that needs them.

Me; well I have another scan tomo at 10.15 and will hopefully be having ec on Wed, will keep you all updated, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I won't be going in to details as it's not appropriate, or at least I don't feel it is at the moment. Thank you all for your positive posts and for thinking of me, it means a lot


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## jobo5572

Jo1983 - I've PM'd you hun.  Please please please spill  .  We need some good news stories on here.  I feel dreadful if you're not saying just 'cos of what happened to me, and I'm sure Lainey & Suszy won't mind either.  Forget about my cancelled tx - it's so yesterday !!  Come on....some happiness please for the thread.  Wishing you the very best of luck for your scan tomorrow


----------



## Pand

Evening ladies,

It's been a manic week yet again and we've been so busy this weekend. So here goes for some personals:

Jobo - Sorry for the misunderstanding this morning.  I guess I'm hypersensitive at the mo and was worried you were angry at me.  You were so strong yesterday morning and you are coping with this so much better than you think.  I know how lonely you are and that you spend a lot of time crying on your own and I would give anything for it not to be like that for you.  I so want to be there for you, but I'm making a bit of a hash of it at the moment.  I'm struggling to think straight what with the tiredness and headaches.  Hopefully normal Pand will resume in a few days if I start stimming.  

Lainey - Thank you so much for you lovely texts.  It's so lovely of you to be thinking of me when you must (like Jobo) be feeling utterly bereft at the moment.  You are a star.

Suzy - Same goes for you chick.  You never cease to amaze me with your positive and strong outlook on life.

Cinders - You always manage to say the right things hun.  Thank you so much for your texts.  Miss you in the pit!!

Missby - I think I've been on here for two years now too.  Doesn't time fly when you're having fun.  I can't believe how much we have all been through in that time.  Wishing it would work out for you chick.  By the way, Jo forwarded your hot dog text to me... OMG!! It's put me off hot dogs for life!  You always make me laugh.  

Dusty, Rambling, FFH, Emma, Bubs, Sarylou and anyone else I've not mentioned,  love and hugs to you all.

As you may have guessed from some of my personals I'm so rubbish at the moment.  The drugs are definitely kicking in.  I've had belting headaches all week, feel permanently tired and low and can't seem to think straight.  I've got an assessed lesson coming up and I've been trying to plan for it today and nothing is flowing!!  AF keeps coming and going (sorry if tmi!).  My baseline is on Thursday and I'm not looking forward to the next stage.  In fact I'm dreading it.  I've become more and more despondent as the week has gone by.  I know it's the drugs making me feel negative, but I can't help wondering what on earth I was thinking doing this all over again when the likelihood is I will end up back where I was in February this year.  I must be mad.  

I went and visited my friend yesterday who gave birth to her second child, a gorgeous little six pound eight ounce girl on Monday.  I was very good, made all the right noises, cuddled her for ages etc.  As we got there, the older child (a little boy that they concieved and had long after we had ds), announced proudly... "Have you come to see my baby?"  It was like a knife to the heart.  I know my ds would kill to say those words and would make such a proud big brother.  DS asked if he could cuddle the baby and sat so gently with her craddled in his arms.  He was so tender and lovely with her.  It totally destroyed me. Added to that when I cuddled her she was so soft and warm and dinky.  She had that lovely baby smell about her and the whole house felt warm and homely.  I felt fine all the time I was there, but when I got home I cried for ages.  I want it so much, but in my heart I know I will probably never have it.  

Sorry to be so depressing, but I'm finding it hard at the moment.  I don't feel positive, I don't think this tx is going to work for us and I just want to fast forward to when I am fifty and don't have to worry about any of this any more.  And to top it all off I'm not being much of a friend to my FFs who need me at the moment. I don't mean to be selfish I'm just trying to find ways of coping without going loopy!!

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on and be so miserable.  Sorry to offload everyone.

Will let you know how it goes on Thursday.

Love to all

pand


----------



## jobo5572

*Pand* hun - no apology required for this morning  though you did scare me half to death with your ranting text . (Note to self: do not to get on the wrong side of Pand !!). Of course you're hypersensitive at the moment, and so am I. Misinterpretation of my text I think is all that happened - either that or I didn't explain very well what I was trying to say as I'm not really with it either . What are we like ? You _have _ been there for me and I appreciate it more than ever at the moment as I know that you are having a really tough time of it too. Unfortunately neither of us can fix each others pain but we can be there for each other. I am very aware that I am probably being as much use to you as a chocolate teapot as I am trying so hard to say the right things to try and make you feel better but it's so hard when I'm scrabbling around at the bottom of the pit just trying to function myself. The texts we've exchanged tonight have been lovely, even though you made me cry  as you were too nice to me. I am hoping for a thank you letter from Kleenex as I am personally keeping them in business right now.....well, Andrex actually, or possibly even Tesco's own brand ! Funny you thought I was strong yesterday morning at soft play - not strong hun - I just try my hardest not to do crying in public as I am exceptionally ugly when I cry and end up red eyed and blotchy faced - not nice for anyone to see and I would've frightened all the kids away. Just thank your lucky stars you were having your hair done on Wednesday night as I really needed you then, but instead of a lovely hairdo you'd have been covered in snot and tears and thinking Halloween had come round again. Joking apart, nobody can blame you for not feeling positive hun - you must feel that from your 1st unsuccessful tx and the run of bad luck on here that it just won't be your time, but you really do never know; none of us do - but it is also an inbuilt defence mechanism I think too and you have every right to feel that way, it just makes it hard for those that care about you to see you so down . Whatever will be will be and I personally (forgive me if I'm wrong) don't think that whether you're positive or negative throughout tx it makes any difference. I tried my hardest to remain somewhere in the middle - I thought if I was too positive the fall would be that much greater and if I was too negative my body just wouldn't bother being a success. As it happened, I tried to do all the right things like healthy eating, drinking lots of fluids, didn't drink, didn't have caffeine, ate brazil nuts, drunk pineapple juice etc. etc. and for what ? Sweet FA . Fell at the first bloody hurdle, and boy did it hurt . I've said how well you did wrt the newborn in my earlier post above so I won't repeat myself. And don't feel you have to be around for everyone else - we're all here to support each other and we all have ups and downs. Suffuce to say hun, you are doing a brilliant job even though you don't think you are - we can all see that even if you can't. Keep it up hun - we're right behind you all the way 

*Lainey*, *Cinders * & *Suszy * - thank you for your texts 

*Jo1983 * - I'm still waiting.......... 

*Missyb * - hot dog for supper ?

Well I'm going to brave going back to work tomorrow, even though I was supposed to be off sick this week and next as I had always planned to take 2 weeks off after ET. Oh how I laugh . Not looking forward to it at all . I also apparently have a hug on hold from my primary IF colleague so no doubt that'll have me in tears before the day even starts, bless her. I have forewarned her that she will be covered in snot and tears, poor girl. I'm expecting to end the day in tears too - I've got an appointment back at the Priory at 4pm for counselling. I haven't really even thought about the counselling side of things, it's more the trip back to the Priory that's bothering me as it will just bring back memories of going there for tx and make me think about what might've/could've been . My cancelled tx cycle is still so raw and it feels too soon to be going back there but I know that hopefully the counselling will help. I am very aware that I have been posting on here in desperation of late and I am sorry to have been relying on you lot so much for support - hopefully the counsellor will help and lock me in a padded cell in a straightjacket and throw away the key.

Love to all

Jo x


----------



## lainey-lou

golly!  Things r rough on here. 

Pand, hun - don't apologize for not being here for us. U just concentrate on getting thru ur tx, ok?  Its really hard going thru ivf and the drugs just make u loopy so don't worry about us just at the moment. Big hugs x

Jo1983 - good luck with the scan today. Spill the beans, we want to know. 

Jobo - I hope its ok being back at work today and that the counselling helps, it helped me after my m/c. 

Hi to everyone else

Lainey x


----------



## Jo1983

Crikey, everyone is going through the mill on here, it's not good and everyone needs to stop apologising, we all know too well what state the drugs leave us in let alone the tx itself and the dreadful news you've all had too. No-one, not 1 person thinks bad of anyone on here. This is the only place we can all vent and it's not taken personally or anyone thought bad of. I'm sending everyone a huge   and wish that things were different.

Pand, please let us know how Thurs goes, I'll be thinking of you hun.

Jobo and Lainey, I consider myself well and truly told so I will post with my news.   Thankyou, it means the world, not 1 person wished me luck for today or has asked how it went in ''real life'' so Thankyou   Good luck at work today Jobo and with the counselling too hun. Hope it helps to relieve some of the unhappiness x

To everyone else,   thoughts galore and lots of   's

Me; well as I've been well and truly told off by Jobo in a pm she sent me last night and Lainey has told me too I thought I'd let you all know that......Egg Collection is on Wednesday   I have to be there for 8.30 and I should be in theatre around 11am. 

I have 15 follies ranging from 13-23mm's I have 8 that are above 17mm's of these 4 are above 20. The others are mainly 14 and 15 so have just had my last menopur jab to try and help those few smaller follies catch up for ec. I have to have my pregnyl 10,000 units at 11pm tonight and my last nasal spray at 8pm tonight. I have a drug free day tomo. 

I'm off to the docs tomo to get a sick note as I'm feeling really sore and bloated. I have a water infection which can't be helping either. Hoping to go to blasts but will see how that goes, I'm not getting my hopes up as I may only have 4 or 5 eggs as the other half will be going to my recipient and they have to fertilize etc too so     I will let you all know how weds goes but will be back on later or tomo to catch up. I want to say a big thankyou for still wanting me to post at the moment, I feel so terrible that things are going well for me and not for others. I know that sounds pathetic as me and dh have wanted this for so long but I can't help feeling that it should be someone else getting some good news. Love and luck to everyone  

Jo xxx


----------



## sarylou

Sorry I havent been on-been trying to keep myself busy and occupied (failing though) and I started back at work Thursday too. 

Massive hugs to everyone on here right now. I cant begin to understand how it must feel to not only wait so long to get at the starting post of tx and then to cope with it being cancelled. My only experience is 3 cycles of clomid and I felt useless when that didnt work so you must feel much worse-sorry im not making myself very clear here   

Jo1983 thats wonderful news about follies and the very best of luck for weds xxxxx   

Jobo I hope work is ok today and good luck with the counselling.  Im another who looks shocking after crying   I also am no where near ready to accept that I will never be pg again or hold my own baby. That thought just cuts so deep and scares the heck out of me. I cant face 20 +years of feeling this way and I hate bringing my DH down with the way I feel. 

Pand you are so brave visiting your friend and newborn and how hard that must be watching your son cuddling a baby and just wishing it was his sibling-my son adores my friends little boy and always says after we've seen him I wish T was my brother    Its soo blooming hard isnt it. 

Lainey how wonderful you are to rehome those poor chickens. Love the story of the egg in the car for breakie you cant get fresher than that  
Also PCT's are a law onto themselves. I was on clomid at the same time as a friend after a year long fight with my consult to get and she was ttc #4 and was just given it straight by her gp. She is now pg with number 5 who will be born a year after her clomid boy 

Me. Im hanging on, just. Im off to dr's in an hour as ive had AF pains for the last 9 days and some bleeding friday night and last night I didnt get to sleep until 1am my poor tummy was hurting so much. Thankfully a v hot water bottle and painkillers eventually meant I could doze off. 
Mentally Im just a mess. I just cant shake the "I should be" frame of mind off. I should be 8 weeks pg today, having my booking in with mw thursday but instead im alone and empty.  
dh wont even consider ttc until the spring at the earliest and that is just breaking my heart. I have my 2nd counseling session tomorrow and I hope I come out feeling a little more productive than the last as all she wanted to talk about was my parents and siblings-I have lots of issues with my mother "abandoning me" and so she thinks this is where a lot of my issues are stemed from where as I see it as I feel so god damn useless and worthless due to not being able to conceive and then when I do my body fails my baby  .
Im going to have to leave this here for now before I get too upset. Will be on tomorrow hopefully. 

         to everyone


----------



## sarylou

Quick update. Ive got another infection so Im on 2x antibiotics   for 2 weeks and fingers crossed this stops it developing into something worse.  
Going to bed as feel ive been run over xxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie from me as I'm so tired tonight...

Jo1983 - fantastic news   !!  Well done you .  Can you get your ovaries to have a word with mine please  ? Sorry to hear you're feeling sore and bloated, and I hope you get rid of your water infection soon.  That's pants.  Wishing you lots of love and luck for EC on Wednesday .  Do not feel bad for posting good news on here - we certainly need some right now !!!  Take care and thanks for your PM  

Lainey - counselling was OK but quite draining  .  Don't like talking about myself and was very scared with how well she summed up me and my life within a very short space of time  .  Got very upset having to go to the Priory again for all the wrong reasons and she wants to see me again next week but right now I just don't feel like it.  Hope you and your chickens are OK hun and you're bearing up  

sarylou - sorry to hear you're feeling so rough and I hope the antibiotics kick in really soon to stop the physical side of your pain.  As for the emotional side of things, I'm not surprised you are feeling "I should be x weeks today..." etc.  It's perfectly natural after your mc hun and I hope that the counselling helps with that and everything else associated with it.  I hope friends/family etc. are helping you come to terms with the mc and are not just brushing it under the carpet and forgetting about it.  Know what you mean about counsellor bringing up parents and siblings - it crops up every time I have counselling (sounds like I have it all the time ! Have had it for depression and post natal depression) and my parents are to blame for a lot of my lack of self esteem and feeling like a failure.  Even though it's been highlighted to me now, when it's been drummed into you for your entire life, it's hard to shake off I know.  But you mustn't blame yourself for your mc hun - you haven't failed your baby.  Sending you lots of virtual hugs hun     

Pand - thank you so much for earlier  . You and DH give lovely hugs !  I am also here for you hun, whatever  

Well work was a pile of poo today - no surprise there.  Felt very sad driving to the Priory as I was just thinking what might've/should've/could've been  .  Took my sharps box to be disposed of as was sick of the sight of it in my bedroom at home.  Needed to get rid of the constant reminder of my failure.  Won't bore you with the details of counselling, but suffice to say she scared the sh1t out of me by working things out about me and my life way too quickly just by listening to me dribbling on and waffling all sorts of crap.  I guess that's what she's there for though.  In summary, have been told I have no or very low self esteem, don't value myself at all, always put others first, feel like everything I do is a failure, my DH is taking the **** out of me, my marriage needs addressing, and that it could be my inner self psychologically preventing me from getting pg as there are so many unresolved issues in my life that are causing me too much stress to enable my body to get pg.  Good grief.  What a mess !

Anyway, I am way too tired and can't string too many words together - have just re-read this garbled mumbo jumbo.

Love to all

Jo x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi everyone

Jobo - I'm so sorry for you sweetheart, I know what a big decision it was for you to go for ivf and for then not to get to EC after all that jabbing must be heartbreaking - I know that I would be devestated too. But trying to look on the bright side it seems as though Mr Watts is quite positive about your chances if you decide to give it another go, I guess they always say that the first time is a bit experimental. Loads of   hun, I've been thinking of you.

Jo - Well done on all your follies, I hope ec goes ok for you (it's tomorrow isn't it?) Bring us some good news please!!!

Pand - I'm thinking of you all the time. I really hope it's your turn this time. I'm sorry I haven't been around much, it's not that I haven't been thinking of you. It's just been my way of trying not to dwell on my IF too much and trying to move on. To a certain extent it has worked and I'm not feeling as desperately sad as I was. I'm really rooting for you, it must be your turn now! Will be following your progress.

Suzsy - How's it going? Are you getting your head around stuff. How's the puppy? thinking of you too hun.  

Sarylou - Sorry you've had such an awful time, the m/c must have been devestating. As the others said it is doubley cruel after a long period of IF. I hope your infection clears up soon and you start to heal physically at least.


Lainey - How are you doing hun? Your huge disappointment is still so recent too. Have you got any plans to do anything else?  

Cinders - Miss you being in our pit, but would be grateful if you could manage to pull even just one of us out! Hope you're keeping ok. Somebody i know is expecting a baby in Feb, I think about you when I see her because it helps me to imagine your bump!


Missyb - Hi, how are you? I think I've been chatting on here for just over a year now? I can't believe where that time has gone - another year without a baby    Sometimes it's so hard to be grateful for what you've got isn't it. I wonder where we'll all be in another 12 months time? How many of us will have managed a bfp /baby. It's nice to think that there may be few of us coming out the other side - who knows?!!

Hi to everyone else I've missed

Speak soon

Faithful x


----------



## missyb

evening all!


i have just had a catch up and im feeling v teary and hormonal... at the moment it just doesnt seem fair. we just all seem to be going through it at the moment.    

hi pand... glad you liked the ww text !! it has put me off of hotdogs (which was mainly achieved thru working in sexual health!) im sorry that you are having such a hard time with the drugs and headaches. you are so much braver than me because im afraid that given the situation with your friend i know that i wouldnt have gone... i couldnt. i think that there are enough of us on here to be   for you so dont worry if you're not feeling it.

hi jobo... aw hun.. i dont know where to start. i want to give you a big hug  and make it all better for you. i think that in alot of ways the counselor is right but thats not much help.. they are big issues to sort thru. all i can say is that we are here for you. xx

hi sarylou.. hope those antibiotics start kicking in soon xx

hi jo... will be thinking about you tomorrow  


hi lainey.. how are you doing sweets? the chickens sound like a fab idea. i can forward you the ww text but i dont want to put you off your dinner!!!

hi faithful.. you are so right. i never thought that it would take so long. in january i have another birthday and it just makes me feel that my time is running out. in a years time i wonder where i'll be.. will i have got my bfp or will i have come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen and be in a place where i'm happy with that.

as for me im on the crazy end of the 2ww. i have some serious pmt issues and i cant wait for af to come so that i feel normal again!


big   to all.



amanda x


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## lainey-lou

Just a quickie.....

Jo1983 -    good luck for the morning. Will bethinking of u x

Jobo - thank u for today. It was good to share and get it off my chest. U r a star. 

Hi to everyone else

L x


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## jobo5572

Jo1983 - will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you don't you know what  .  Good luck    

Lainey - hope you're OK hun and you have a good chat with your friend tomorrow  .  No worries about today - it was great to get out of a very dull meeting and it was lovely to speak to you  

Cinders - thank you for your texts  

Pand - fab classroom  .  Hope DS's teeth sort themselves out soon.  How much does the tooth fairy have to leave these days  ?!  Love to all 3 of you  

missyb - showed my ww leader the text from you tonight......she said "it's ok so long as you don't swallow" at which point I nearly chucked  !  Hoping witchy-poo stays away hun  

suszy - miss you on here but understand your reasons for not coming on.  Love your texts  

FFH - good to hear from you and thank you for your kind words  

So shattered so I'm off to bed.

Love to all

Jo x


----------



## Luisa01

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted for a while.  Just wanted to say lots and lots of good luck     to the girls who are undergoing tx right now and lots of     to the girls who've had bad news.

Thought I'd update y'all on where I've got to.  I got to ET in the end, so at this stage, its so far, so good, but with such a long way still to go.  I got there, despite having been warned there was a strong likelihood my cycle would be cancelled due to not responding.  They gave me that warning on the phone and it came as a big shock only 5 days into the stims.  The minute I put the phone down, I was in floods of tears.  I felt old, washed up, barren, thinking OMG despite having enough hormones to kill a horse ( I had the maximum dose from day 1), my ovaries are doing nothing.  I am truly a crone.  But, as it happened I managed to get to ET this Saturday with 2 embies to put back, a 7 cell and a 5 cell. (So Ha! ha! to the nay-sayers at the clinic).  So now I'm keeping my fingers crossed on the 2ww.

Lots of   to you all,

Luisa


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie from me:

*Jo1983 * - glad EC went well this morning hun . Thanks for letting me know how you got on. Take good care of yourself and I hope those eggies are getting jiggy with the swimmers   

*Pand * - hope your baseline scan goes well tomorrow hun  . Will be thinking of you 

*Luisa * - hey PUPO lady . I had (and still have) the same feelings you mentioned when my tx was cancelled last week. Glad yours came to something in the end though. Good luck 

*Lainey * - hope your meeting with your friend went OK hun 

I'm just off out to a friends house for dinner - the one that sent me a lovely bunch of flowers last week. Bless her, she's been so lovely since my bad news and is really trying to help. It's just a pity she keeps dropping into conversation how hard life is with 3 kids under 4 - er, hello ? How would I know, and quite frankly I am not going to sympathise !!!! Anyway, I appreciate that she cares and is trying to do and say the right things which must be very hard for her, and I really appreciate her cooking me dinner. Feeling a bit low tonight though so it could be a tough night .

Love and luck to all of you 

Jo


----------



## Jo1983

Hi everyone, this will just be a quick post as I'm still feeling a bit   and sore from ec.

Have 11 eggs    6 of which are in the petri dish with dh's swimmers hopefully making fireworks. The other 5 have gone to my recipient, I hope she's a very happy lady today.

Will update tomo on fertilisation etc, et is looking like Friday and test date is the 28th  

Jobo; thanks for your texts last night hun, and I didn't you know what in theatre    

Love to all 
Jo xxx


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## lainey-lou

Evening All

Off to bed but wanted to say

Pand lovely - good luck for the scan tomorrow, let me know how it goes   

Jo1983 -   for some good fertilisation tonight.  Well done on that bumper crop of eggs, your recipient should be very chuffed.

Luisa - good luck with the 2ww and congrats on being pupo  

Jobo - it went well today thanks.  I will fill you in later.

Lainey x


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## Jo1983

Pand; just wanted to say good luck for your scan today hun, please let us know how you get on    

Jo xxx


----------



## missyb

hi pand thinking of you         


amanda x


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## lainey-lou

Any news on Pand?  

Jo - did the eggies fertilise?  

Waiting to hear.

L x


----------



## jobo5572

Lainey hun - I can assure you Pand is fine but I'll let her update on here as it's not my place to.  She did have me worried though as I was patiently and nervously awaiting a text for what felt like ages - bad girl Pand   (love you really hun).  Also know that Jo1983 is doing OK and I see she's updated her profile wordy bit at the bottom of her posts so take a peek.  Hope you're OK hun  .  I'm thoroughly miserable and fed up and can't stop thinking "what if"


----------



## ramblingrose

Hey people    Just checking in to say hello. I've not felt like logging in much this week as I'm feeling a bit weird about everything, but just wanted to see how everyone was. Hope today went ok for Pand. Jobo you are in my thoughts hun.  

I really don't know where I'm headed with it all; having a fair few difficulties with DS at the moment and wondering what to do for the best - ie do I just give up the idea of another altogether?    Had a very bad weekend and he was talking about killing himself    - too upsetting for words and my head is all over the place as I feel I'm not concentrating 100% on him like I should be - new job, emotional issues, gawd why is it so hard? I so want my little man to calm down and be ok, and I know my over-emotional self these last few months hasn't helped him at all  

My SIL's baby is due imminently as well so am trying to prepare myself for that and all the cooing (rightly so) from everyone in the family  

Hugs all.

xxx


----------



## jobo5572

ramblingrose - will PM you hun.  You mustn't blame yourself


----------



## Pand

Just a quickie will catch up on personals on the weekend.  My apologies for keeping you all waiting.  Had a horrendous journey back from the clinic (1 hour and 15 mins!), then had to do ironing, marking and get DS to bed as DH is on lates!  Have finally managed to sit down with the computer!

In short, baseline was fine.  Thin lining and quiet ovaries.  Cons was contacted and Menopur upped to four powders.  Start stimming tonight.  So off we go again.  Next scan is next Thursday.  That's the one I'm dreading.  That's where it has gone wrong for so many or us and where it looked like it was going to go wrong last time.  I admit I'm keeping my diary updated more than posting.  I just feel like getting my head down and barrelling through this.  The sooner it is over the better.  

Thank you all so much for caring and your lovely texts.  Love to you all.

Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Yay Pand  

   

I understand you want this all to be over hun and you have every right to be dreading your follie scans, but please, please, don't give up yet, we're all rooting for you and want this to happen for you so so so much.  

Rambling; please don't blame yourself hun, sending you a huge   

Love Jo xxx


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## jobo5572

*Pand * - great news hun    . Here's hoping 4 Menopur kicks your ovaries up the . I have everything crossed for you                    

*Jo1983 * - good luck for ET tomorrow


----------



## Jo1983

Thanks Jo  

God I think I spend more time on here than talking to my dh......oh well I'm sure he'll survive


----------



## zoe 1

Hi luisa, 
All the best with your 2 precious embies, well done for getting so far, just the 2ww to get through now. At least we have this site to keep us semi sane, good luck hun. xx zoe 1


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## faithfullyhoping

Pand- Glad scan went ok today    I'm sure the menopur will do the trick. Try not to get too anxious!

Jo - Hope ET goes well tomorrow.

FFH x


----------



## missyb

hi pand & jo thinking of you both


----------



## Jo1983

Hi everyone

Well et went really well I'm pleased to say  

Embryologist came to see us first and said that she is under strict instruction to only transfer 1 embryo back due to my age and proven fertility. She told us that the embryo she has chosen is beautiful and perfect, exactly as it should be for day 2. She gave us a picture of baby too.

So I have a 4 cell baby on board and am officially PUPO    Test date is the 28th       

Love to all and thanks for thinking of me ladies  

Jo xxx


----------



## whippet

Jo congatulations PUPO lady now rest up  

Pand good luck on the Menopur

Hope everyone ok

love whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

Thanks Whippet

Hope you and bump are doing great hun  

Jo xxx


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## whippet

Hi Jo yes doing really well getting really tired now but trying to finish christmas shopping and working prob not helping. Not got much to buy now and have wrapped my sons and both nephews so the main ones are done just in case. Anyway only 3 more weeks to work then 4 weeks hol takes me right up to mat leave starting. Fingers crossed this will be you soon enough PUPO lady   

whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

Whippet;

Can't believe you're nearly 33 weeks, time does fly  
Get you mrs, all your christmas shopping done....aren't you clever   please can you come and do mine too, I haven't even started  

You take your time and rest up as much as you can.....you'll need all the rest you can get when little one is here.
Please keep us updated on how things are hun  

I certainly will be joining you   any tips for staying sane or what to eat etc

Jo xxx


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## jobo5572

Please help me someone . I can't stop crying this evening . There's stuff going on in my life which I can't mention on here but mainly I just can't seem to get my cancelled tx out of my head and even though I thought I might have been getting better, obviously I am not. I just don't know what to do or where to turn for help . I feel bad posting here as I don't want to moan and **** everyone off but I just have nowhere else to go . Whilst I don't know where I'd be without this site, I have also found it has had the opposite effect on me this week. Having spent far too much time on here, I have found stories of women who've also been poor responders and had very few follies (some only 1) but pushed for tx to continue to EC, and then lo and behold, as if that wasn't bad enough for me to take in and just to rub salt into my wounds, have got a bfp from it. It's more than one person that this has happened to and whilst I know I should try to stop thinking "what if", I can't help it. Why _did _ mine get cancelled ? Why wasn't I given the option of carrying on ? I seem to have been in the same position as so many women (in fact a better position as I had more follies) but mine was just cancelled, no questions asked. Why ? I know you will all say I should ask the hospital, and I did, but in any case it's way too late to do anything about it now. 10 days ago it all ended for me . I know that if I'd made it to EC and/or ET there would always be people for who it worked for if mine didn't, but I feel so cheated that I didn't even get the opportunity to get that far. And OK, of course I would've been gutted if, having got to EC and/or ET, mine hadn't worked but at least I would've felt like I'd been given a chance. I just feel that I was jabbing myself for 6 weeks for absolutely nothing, and I am gutted. I am so sad, I am so upset, and I'm not coping with it. Have been putting on a brave face all week but the brave face has now gone away . I admit it - I can't cope, I'm not over it, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get over it . I know some of you ladies on here have been through far worse than me and have got through it, but I'm afraid I'm obviously a complete weakling in comparison and you're probably all wondering where I'm coming from. Sorry .

I've not forgotten about the ladies who've had good news this week, and you really do deserve it Jo1983 and Pand. I have been holding off posting too much information all week as I know there are others going through tx right now and we want to hear their stories, not my moaning. I have everything crossed for the pair of you  . Jo1983 you have sent some lovely texts saying that I shouldn't be concerned with how you're getting on - just because I'm down in the ****tiest pit I've ever been in doesn't mean that I don't care about others. I am still here for everyone and I would hate myself even more than I do already if I thought that people were avoiding speaking to me or telling me things because they thought I wouldn't want to hear it. Please don't hold back with good (or bad) news, anyone.

Pand - I don't know what I've done , I'm sorry. I have been very worried about you of late and I hope you feel a little more positive after your baseline scan . I asked you a couple of times earlier in my texts if you were OK but I never got a response and I am very upset by the way the "conversation" has ended . I was in bits as we were texting but have re-read my texts and can't see what I've done. All I can do is apologise but I am a bit confused  and very upset .

Sorry everyone. No doubt I'll regret writing all this in the morning. Perhaps it is just my hormones - after all I have no idea where in my cycle I'm supposed to be right now so perhaps AF is on her way. I just don't know. I just feel so desperately sad tonight and only want to continue my life for my DS .


----------



## dustyrose

JO, 

Please, first can I give you a big hug. Im so sorry you are feeling this low. The sadness and desperation in your words and thoughts resonates with me and I know from other experiences in life other than my infertility, that the place you are in, the heavy heart, the mind and body is one of the worst places ever. I just want you to know Jo, you are not alone in this. I so wish that there was a magic button FF could press so we could either delete this bit in life or fast forward and I know there isn't and when it hurts, it hurts like h*ll and we can't escape it--just ride it out til the pain starts to subside. Im rambling Jo because my thoughts are going faster than I am able to type, but please know that we/I are/am here feeling it with you. You are not alone in your grief. What has happend to you cannot even be put into words on just how unfair it is. I dont understand it Jo and whether there is a God or no God, I struggle to understand why he lets things happen like this to people.  Its happened though and you need to give yourself time to fall apart, grieve and come undone at the seams so to speak. Throughout this entire process you've had to keep it together and be strong and you've just suffered an immense trauma.  Its only been a little while Jo and in my mind having your treatment cancelled after all the jabs, scans etc...is going to hurt like hell for a lot longer than this. Give yourself permission and STOP saying sorry to us and worrying about our feelings or thoughts. This is a support network and we are here for that reason. That means no apologies for expressing yourself, particularly in your time of great need. Don't stop talking to us Jo, sharing is one of the fundamental ways you will start to heal. I know Im not posting much but I haven't stopped reading and thinking about everyone. Your journey in many ways is all of ours. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. And we will be here cheering you on.

The last three years have been hell for me and my family with infertility being actually quite mild in comparison to it all--but at the time I had a couple of dark moments too, where I felt I had no one and wanted my life to end if it wasn't for my daughter. I can remember thinking, if only someone would just be there for me, to cuddle me and help me carry some of the pain or at least let me unload it and help me contain it so it doesn't go out of control. its scary to feel this way and the worst of it is feeling alone in it all.

I don't want to patronise and try to tell you of a hopeful future because right now, that isn't what you are feeling and how the heck would I even know what the future holds, I truly wish I did for you, for me, for all of us. The only thing I can say is that I am hearing your words and pain and praying for a time to come soon where you wake up and feel the heaviness lift and to where life feels hopeful again.

So much love Jo, I hope that I haven't muddled my words too much. Speak soon. xxxxxxxxx


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## Pand

Morning ladies,

Just a quick one to let you know I won't be posting on the thread for a little while.  I just need to get my head down and get on with this now.  I don't have the strength to support everyone else at the moment I'm sorry.  I will post on my diary and wish everyone else luck with their journeys.  Love to you all.

Pand


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## dustyrose

Jobo, hope you are okay. Am worried about you  with all that you were feeling last night.   

Pand, I really am hoping this cycle brings you the happiness you so deserve. I can't even imagine how hard its been for you working, jabbing, looking after your family, being here for so many FF and probably so much more in amidst the headaches and daily stress. So many of us on the boards are feeling down about treatment at the moment and its understandable that you want to take this time and stay focussed on your self and family--sending you loads of   . xxxxxxxx

Lainey, how are you? 

There are few of you that are giving us all hope on this whole secondary palava....

Jo & Luisa--great news on ET. Congrats on being officially Pregnant until proven otherwise! Thinking of you both and waiting to hear please God good news... 

Whippet, great to hear from you. 

Cinders, hope you & yours are well... 

Missy, Rambling, Susie, and everyone...  a BIG  &


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## Luisa01

Pand - just to say, all the very best for your tx.  I can totally understand you want to quietly focus on the job in hand.  You sound like such a lovely lady.  Sending you lots of  .

Jobo- aw hun, sending you lots of  .  Just wanted to echo the wise words of Dustyrose.  Believe me, you are not alone.  You've had a bereavement.  Going thru IVF for the first time is a really big deal.  It's natural that you should still be feeling very raw.  Do not feel bad about posting to express yourself.  It is a very healthy thing to get it out there.  I know how hard it is when your significant other is not the caring, sharing type and its not easy when you have an ambivalent relationship with your mum. I  should know!  Mums and DHs/DPs tend to be the people that most girls are able to turn to for support in the bad times, and when you can't rely on them to consistently offer you a supportive and non-judgmental "listening ear", you need to feel OK about turning to FF.  I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that we're here for you.

Dustyrose - sending you a  .

Rambling - wishing you lots of strength so you can do the SIL's baby stuff with a calm heart.

Jo1983, hey fellow lady in waiting!  

Whippet - hiya! All power to you for the home stretch!

MissyB - sending some bubbles back at you.  I hope you're OK.

Lainey - hope you're doing well too, hun.

Cinders - a big hello.  Hope life is treating you well.

Zoe - sounds as if you've done good, girl!

A big   to Susie and Faithfully and all you SIF ladies.

Currently hanging in there on the 17 day wait.  (Yes, that's right! d* it.) Not much to report except twinges, cramps, sore boobs, memory loss, crying at random stuff on the TV, knickerwatch, bloating, etc., etc.  Will keep you all paged!

l.o.l.
Luisa xx


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## jobo5572

Thank you so much dustyrose & Luisa01 for your lovely messages and telling me it's OK to post here.  I really don't want to be feeling this way and I can honestly say I feel the lowest I have ever felt     .  DS keeps asking why I'm crying but that just makes me even worse  .  He has no idea about the SIF and I'm not about to tell him either.  I feel dreadful that he has seen me in such a state but I can't hide it any more.  I really feel I am cracking up.  I think even DH must be worried as he has given me 2 hugs today - unheard of.  I was invited over to my friends house this afternoon (the one that cooked me dinner on Wednesday) as she is also concerned about me and my state of mind.  It was so hard being there though as her 3 children were there, including her 6 month old baby.  I found myself just staring at the baby and feeling such a sense of despair and loss  .  She's absolutely run ragged with the 3 kids and her DH is having trouble at work as he's a self employed property developer so she was a bit down too.  She didn't want to offload onto me at first but I explained to her that just 'cos I'm in a bad place right now it doesn't mean that I'm not there for my friends.  I may not be much help to anyone but all I can do is try my best.  I would hate to think that people can't turn to me just 'cos they think I'm too down.  Obviously if I'm no use to them whatsoever they'll no doubt give up on me but I am trying.

I feel so low and I just don't know what to do with myself  .  I am supposed to be going for more counselling on Monday at the Priory but I really don't know if I can face it - going to the Priory that is, not the counselling.  I was very upset last week when I went back there and am getting tense just thinking about it again already.  I know I probably need counselling but I just feel that the venue (not to mention the distance away) is just too much for me right now.  I am still on antidepressants and have shocked myself at how low and hysterical I have been over the past few days - I dread to think what I would've been like if I wasn't on the pills as I know they help with emotions somehow.  Dustyrose I'm so sorry to hear you've felt low enough to end it all before too   - isn't it a horrible place to be ?  

I guess all in all I am holding my hands up and surrendering.  I give up.  I can't cope.  I really don't know what to do for the best and I don't know how to drag myself out of this big pit.  SIF is a nasty horrible thing to have to go through and none of us deserve it.  I'm very conscious that my non-SIF friends don't fully understand where I'm coming from but I'm lucky to have some good ones that are willing to listen even if they can't help as such.  I just don't want to be miserable around everyone as I don't want to lose any of them as friends, though I guess it is times like this when you need people that you realise who your true friends really are.  

Jo1983 & Missyb - thank you so much for texting me to see if I'm OK  .  Jo1983 - totally agree with you re what we were talking about.

Luisa01 & Jo1983 - good luck PUPO ladies  .  

Lainey - hope you're OK hun as I know your situation is similar to mine.  Thinking of you  

I am truly happy for those of you for whom tx is working so far - I hope you know I mean that sincerely and am not just saying it as I have been made very aware lately that things I say don't always come across as they should and I have been very hurt as a result  .

So sorry ladies.  Thank you for listening.

Jo xxx


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## whippet

Jo not easy honey but you need to try and hang in there. I know the priory not ideal place for you but you do need the counselling honey it will help you get out of the dark place you find youself in. SIF is rough there is no two ways about it but know that you are not alone and there is plenty of people out there for support and also just because your first cycle didnt work does not mean any further cycles wont either I think I am the proof of that statement. Hang in there honey the light will come on at the end of the tunnel honest  

Pand look after yourself and good luck  


Luisa when will you know?  

As for me going to take more gaviscon and try to get some sleep.

Love to all

whippet x


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## Luisa01

Hi, Whippet,

Ahh! Good old gaviscon. That brings back memories!  I'm surprised DS wasn't born addicted.  My test date is the 25th Nov, so fingers crossed.

Luisa xx


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## jobo5572

Ladies - please can I just make something clear - when I said in my post above about knowing who your true friends are when going through such awful times such as SIF, I was referring to non-SIF friends which is why it's tagged onto the end of the para where I was talking about my non-SIF friends.  It was not meant to refer to anyone on here, and I apologise if anyone has taken it to mean that.  Everyone on here has been lovely, and thanks to those of you that have been texting, phoning and PM'ing me to make sure I'm OK - you know who you are  .

Whippet - good to hear from you.  Gaviscon was my staple diet when I was pg with DS !  I used to get industrial sized bottles on prescription !


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## lyndalou

Hi Lovely Ladies

Have spent an hour reading and catching up. There is so much happening on here at moment. Feel really emotional after
reading and think everyone needs a few of these       

AF arrived for me this morning so FET later this month. Scan hopefully this week.


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## jobo5572

Evening ladies

Just a short one from me as I have been made aware to my detriment of the harm the written word can do even when that was not the intention . Sadly another day in tears for me . I can't say what it's all been about but it's nothing for anyone to worry about.

*Lainey * - thank you so much for speaking to me earlier and I apologise for being hysterical down the phone  

*Lyndalou * - the very best of luck for your FET  .

*Luisa01 * & *Jo1983 * - hope you're both looking after those embies PUPO ladies   

*ramblingrose * - thank you so much for your lovely PMs. Will get back to you with what I said I would do. Big hug hun 

*Missyb * - so sorry the old witch bag turned up for you again  

*Pand * - all I will say is you know where I am if you need me .

Lots of love to everyone

Jo


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## sarylou

to everyone on here right now. 
        to everyone who needs this right now. 

I really wish there was something I could do to take away everyones pain.   SIF destroys you Ive found. 

Im sorry ive not been on here for a few days been very poorly with this infection and EPU still refusing to check if I have any "products of conception" as GP calls it left behind.   

DH no longer wants kids SO i have no idea where that leaves me/us. Ive got counselling tomorrow and im in knots over it. Last time I felt she was trying to talk me out of ttc-sorry if repeating old posts. She kept trying to burst my bubble I have over a pgcy and child. Kept saying DS will hate it, I wont have my perfect child that I keep in my head.  I think I know my Ds better than her and given he has asked every xmas for the last 6 for a sibling speaks volumes to me.  

Sorry this is only quick as need to go crawl to bed and lie down-tummy v painful


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## jobo5572

*Luisa01 * - thank you so much for the lovely PM you sent me  - I really appreciate it. Hope you're enjoying being PUPO !

*sarylou * - good to hear from you but sorry you're still feeling so rough . I hope that the physical pain starts to ease really soon as you sound like you're in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry to hear what your DH has said about not wanting any more kids - is this a sudden thing or something said in the heat of the moment or does he really mean it ? I know how devastating it feels when DH's say things like that as mine has tried that trick on me and it scared the ruddy life out of me. Going through SIF is horrendous enough without the person that you are ttc with saying they've changed their mind and taking away any hope or chance you had. So sorry. Have you talked to him about it at all ? I hope you come to some resolution as you must be in bits. WRT counsellors - see below ! Hope you're feeling better soon 

*Lainey * & *Suszy * - thank you both for your texts today  

As for me, well I had to hold it together today as I was at work - I looked absolutely dreadful this morning (worse than normal mornings that is  ) as I'd been crying so much over the weekend, my eyes were all red and puffy and I looked like I'd been hit by a train - no amount of slap made any difference to it either so I just kept my head down all day. I rang the Priory this morning and explained that I just couldn't make it up there for the counselling as that in itself was making me worse, not to mention the travelling. The counsellor called and has arranged a telephone counselling session for one evening this week. I also plucked up the courage to call an independent counselling service that we can access for free through work - well, not so much plucked up the courage, more like I had to do something as I was so hysterical last night that I even shocked myself  (sorry Lainey, and thank you very much again ). I was expecting just to book in with a counsellor at some point but the lady on the phone wanted to talk to me there and then. I have to say I did feel better when I'd spoken to her, though I'm still not convinced that I'll be able to put into practice what she has told me to do. What we discussed I've tried to summarise below so if you don't want to read it just skip ahead !!

I was a little concerned that she really didn't know what I was on about at first, as I'd told her quite a few times that I had SIF, and then I made some comment about wanting another child and she said "you say you want _another _ child - does this mean you _already _ have a child ?" - er, duh !!! Also, somewhere in the conversation she suggested that perhaps the way to get over feeling surrounded by people with multiple children was to make friends with some people that don't have _any _ children !!! If I hadn't been so unhappy I'd have laughed ! I also struggled with the bit where she told me I should stop letting SIF ruin my life and I needed to stop thinking about it - well yes I can see how that would work but I'll give someone a million pounds if they can tell me how to do that ! Is there a switch in my head I can turn off ? If so, I wish I'd found it 3 years ago ! Anyway, that aside, she did make a lot of sense in relation to everything else we talked about. She thinks a lot of my problems and issues are due to lack of emotional support (mainly from DH). She also understands my frustration of not being listened to by DH and him just sitting back and letting me shoulder everything (which I do) but also that I am also partly to blame for that as I let him get away with it as if he doesn't help I just end up doing it. She suggested couples counselling to try and get him to listen but I said that would be as easy as getting a cat to have a bath or getting someone to stick hot needles in their eyes for a laugh. WRT everything else, I've got to value myself more and stop settling for 2nd best. I also have to be true to how I feel and be honest and upfront with communication and to say to people who ask how I am things like "actually I'm not really good at the moment" etc. rather than pretending everything is rosy when it really isn't otherwise it just leads to a build up of feelings and then I'll explode (literally ??). She said I would be able to work out those that wanted to listen as opposed to those that don't want to know and I mustn't feel guilty for wanting help and I should take it from whoever is willing to help (or try to) and to lean on as many people that want to help me (crikey, I'm heavy - that may hurt people !). I need to take some time out for my head and time out for me and I must start to think of other things other than SIF. I am not to feel like a failure just 'cos my tx was cancelled so early on and I haven't been able to conceive another child. She also suggested writing letters to people who have perhaps hurt me or not understood me where I've tried to explain how I'm feeling, including DH (must teach him to read (joking !)) but that I didn't necessarily have to send them. I have to be kind to myself, value myself and stop trying to put everyone else first. I also have to get over not wanting to talk to friends just because I know they have their own problems - I have a right to mine too and friendships should work both ways.

So there you go - that's me told . I think that pretty much covers it from the scrappy notes I made whilst listening to her. I know she is probably right in everything she's said as she is a trained professional in counselling - ah, apart from the dull secondary blips she made. It's just all of this is alien to me. I do put everyone else first; I always have. I've never been kind to myself nor do I value myself and quite frankly I don't know where to start. I do always settle for 2nd best but I have for as long as I can remember. I do feel like a failure but that stems from being made to feel like a failure all my life by my parents so not sure how to overcome that - perhaps write to them too ?! I'm not used to pouring my heart out to every man and his dog, and I know from bitter experience that having _tried _ to talk to non-SIF friends in the past about SIF it has sometimes ended in disaster - either that or they really just weren't any good for me as a friend. Except for on here where as you all know I could blether for England, I don't pour my heart out to people very often, and especially not to people I don't know well or trust. I am guilty of holding back, especially when I know friends are having a tough time of it, and I have shut people out as I don't want to be a burden or a miserable cow all the time, but I guess what she has told me is that I have the right to feel that way and I should be able to offload on friends. WRT to thinking of something else other than SIF, well there is plenty going on in my life at the moment to think about other than SIF but unfortunately it's all bad stuff so not really sure where that gets me . Oh, and I need to write some letters .

Crikey, sorry ladies. What a mammoth post . I know a few of you have been very concerned about me lately and I thought you may like to know what happened today. For those of you who've given me your mobile numbers, I don't think I could've fitted all that into a text !

I think I just need to finish by saying a huge thank you to everyone on here that has been such a big support to me since I joined back in January - this site has been my lifeline. You are all such lovely ladies and it is a shame that we are brought together by something as awful as SIF. I know that you all understand my moans and groans about SIF and tx but I do apologise if I have been overwhelming in any way and have done your heads in .

Think I need to go and rest my weary fingers .

I hope to have the real Jo back really soon, but in the mean time I am still here for you all 

Lots of love

Jo x


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## ramblingrose

Just a quickie ladies....hope you're all well.

Just want to say thanks for the supportive PM's and messages on here I've had re my DS. Support here means a lot, it really does.

Jo, hope you;re feeling better after that mammoth session with the counsellor - i have to say the SIF blunders she made I think I would have lost my rag and slammed the phone down so well done for hanging on    Some of what she said is good advice I think.  I have done the letters thing - if you want, I will PM you with details of how doing such a thing (on the advice of a counsellor!!) went down with my mother!!!!!!!!!!  

A few hugs to everyone else who needs them and love to the ladies having tx and playing the waiting game.  Still no sign of my SIL's baby   so I'm still in a little waiting game of my own  

xxx


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## kittyx

jobo  So sorry you're feeling so bad.I'm a SIF. It.s hell.

        I just wanted to tell you something a councillor told me. ( I only went once) ... He told me i shouldn't waste energy worrying about things i can't change  i.e: The outcome of my ivf. The more i thought about that the more it made sense. So i've tried not to think more than one day at a time. Easier said than done i know but it might help. 
Really hope that things work out for you. Take care.

Love to everyone    

Kittyx


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## Jo1983

Hi Ladies

This is just a short post to let you all know that I'm thinking of you and wanted to send a big   to every single person on here.

I'm off to bed, feeling really sore and bloated and just need to sleep. My   views for 2ww are fading by the day, but chin up, it ain't over by any means yet   I'm due back at work tonight, but think I may go to gp and get signed off for the remainder of 2ww.

Love and luck to you all, promise I'll be back towards the weekend with some personals. Thanks to all who have mentioned me in there posts  
Jo xxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
This is for everyone. 

                                                                                                                         

I am so sorry to have been awol, I have read a few times and then by the time I have done that and felt exhausted with the emotion need to go and have a glass of wine to recover and never have time to post.
I have told dh I am on here for a while tonight and yet seem to have been on here quite a bit today.
I am just so sorry that everyone is having such a  bad time and like others have said if only I could wave a magic wand.
We have just had such bad luck on here although dont forget out success stories Dizzy and Cinders and Whippet and hopefully soon to follow Jo83 and of course Pand.
its just so unfair that our bfps have been lost and then that we have all had such bad luck after.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to have got so far through tx and have it fail like Lainey and jobo and I am so so sorry.

I just wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better but I know there is not.
i am still fine and am so in love with Lola and think ds might be feeling a bit left out so am having to up the attention there, god knows what it would have been like with a baby!  Think dh knew he would go down in the pecking order!!!!!!  The only thing is I am going out a bit more and drinking and invariably say something I should not so think the honeymoon period of me being Mrs popular might be over but there are lots who are used to me although that probably is not a good excuse.

Anyway you are all wonderful people and I so want us all tobe successful but it just does not seem to be happening.

jobo    - you poor thing you really have been through the mill and I so wish I could give you one big cuddle    and tell you its going to be alright.  Its just so hard what you have been through and without the support of dh and your family its very difficult to do it alone.  The trouble with ff is that there is so much info on here that once you start reading stuff you do start to wonder, I have no idea about poor responding darling and am not sure how to help you on that one,  other than its done and you need to try and look forward.  Not a great prospect I know but do try to. I know you are not keen but the counselling really does sound good and very spot on, I had Astrid and really liked her and the other lady sounds good too, I know self esteem has a lot to do with it and I know I have been at rock bottom and when you are you cannot seen any way out and its so very hard.  With lots of work and love and support from us lot and more counselling you will pull through.  Try and see this as an opportunity to work through issues that have been hanging around for a long time.  We are all here for you and everyone and we all love and support each other.  Please dont worry about what you post on here as we have all been there - one day I will go back and have a look at my rantings and ravings from 2 years ago.

Whippet -   lovely to hear from you and how organised are you, 33 weeks thats amazing and goodl uck for rest of preg

jo83     hang in there darling we have everything crossed for you.

cinders    how are you my lovely, we are here for you you know - look after yourself and that precious bump.!

FFh    lovely to hear from you, I am a bit like you and that is not coming on much but it does not mean I dont care!

kitty    Great advice but very hard to follow, good luck!

lyndalou     good luck honey 

lainey    the chickens sound wondeful and how cool to have your own eggs one day. Quite fancy them as well but we have so many foxes around here.  Here for you too honey.  (sorry having re read that sounds funny about the eggs but you know what I mean) talking of which have your thought of any other steps?

Rambling    I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with ds - he sounds go young to be talking like that and do wonder whats behind it so sorry honey, here for you

jane    hope you are ok and hope to see you very soon you are doing so well honey

sarylou    of course i remember you and congrats on wedding and so sorry to hear about m/c and you being so ill now.  Also your latest post to say dh not want children perhaps it was just said to protect himself. Its so hard though isn;t it.

Pand -     you were so brave going to see that friend and it cannot be easy going through all this tx and having such a job to hold down.  We are all here for you and will keep up todate with your diary and you know where we all are.  think sometimes a bit of time out what we need as there is precious enough time as there is with family.  I had a lovely bath with ds tonight!  Good luck for thursday.

missby     so sorry about another cycle not worked, its so hard and frustrating, here for you honey and yes the time has flown and can hardly believe it.

Dusty rose,    you are so caring and considerate and your posts are always so well written, you manage to put things down so well - well everyone does really but you can tell you have been there - we are all here for you too.  You been through such a lot honey if you ever want to unload we are here for you.

emma and emsy    hope you are both doing ok, emma sounded promising with dh working at things.

zoe   
luisa    congrats at being pupo and good luck - you have such wise words too.

Thanks to everyone for your support.
Still feeling good although managed to stub my little toe quite badly.  Wonder if its a sign as shut my thumb in door in June.
Feelig a bit sick and tired and its not good news as af here!
Sometimes hard to entertain Lola all the time and dh rubbish at it all down to me again!
I have lots of marks on my arms where she is using me for play biting but I am so in love.
Posted photos on face book as my cousin did it for me and now have to work out how to do it on here!
we have had lots of visitors both in the week and at weekend, dhs family came down the weekend before last and my long lost cousin came this weekend.  I am not sure where the time goes but it is.
I am here for you all and am available by text pm or email.
I probably wont be on for a few days again but it does not mean I dont care - because I do greatly.
running out of steam -and dh impatient - have been too brief on some but I am here for you all.
Lots of love and best wishes

Susie and Lola!

ps am spending more time on face book if anyone else wants to join us there are a few of us on there now
one poor old school friend put on there about lola only being a dog after my cousin put loads of photos on there of me and her and talking about my baby he stupidly said Susie she is only a dog to which I replied - well after 5 years of trying, 8 k and 3 miscarriages and 2 ivfs later I am entitled to call her my baby and that the whole of a certain website would agree - hey girls - then of course I got a few supportive messages and he replies saying I have some protective friends - he a bit of  joker and I am not taking too seriously but he now says he is in the dog house!
dh fed up lola has upset tummy probably because she ate two cereal bars in the car whilst I took ds to school.
must go!


----------



## sarylou

Hi, Not sure why im posting but guess i need to get this out. DH has just packed his bags and gone   
The counselling was horrible today and came home and me and dh just started bickering. We dont shout or swear its just small snipes. Hes turned round and said he didnt want kids before the wedding but didnt tell me incase I called it off    SO I was just totally blown away and said how hurt and disappointed I am and he just packed a few things and walked out. No shouting no good bye just gone    Ive no idea what to do, it feels my marriage is over less than 4 months after it started and my head feels like it will implode.  

Sorry for no personals tonight. xxxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Sarylou
Just seen your post darling - I dont know what to say - I am sure he will be back tomorrow but not sure how you are coping.
sending you          Its so horrible this sif what it does to our friendships and marriages.  I am so sorry honey and you have been so unwell.
I am sure he will be back when he cools off, I took dh to counselling and it did not seem to help much, he agreed to see relate but we never did, we are better now but it has taken a long time.
Here for you and everyone else.
We really are having a bad time of it on here and we need some


----------



## jobo5572

*Sarylou * - I am so sorry to hear about what DH has done     especially as you are so fragile at the moment anyway and are still feeling so poorly. Hopefully he has just gone to "cool off" or something or get his head around things. I know that doesn't help you and the way you're feeling right now though hun - there's nothing worse than people just walking off from you with no real explanation for their actions, especially when you're really down . What he's said to you about not wanting kids before he married you is totally unfair as he should've been honest with you upfront. Try and get yourself some sleep and see how things are tomorrow. Sorry can't be of any help but we're all here for you   

*Suszy * - lovely long post hun . Thanks for your lovely words and for your supportive texts over the past few days . And Lola is just so gorgeous ! Glad she is making you happy. Had to laugh at all those comments back to your male friend on ** about Lola not being a baby ! We told him though 

*MissyB * - thanks for checking up on me hun 

*kittyx * - thanks for your lovely message 

*ramblingrose * - thanks for the PMs and glad some of the info I got you was of some use and I really hope you sort things out. WRT the other stuff, the similarities in events/actions is unbelievable !

*Jo1983 * - thanks for your texts hun  but step away from the pee sticks  !!!

I've had an hours counselling on the telephone tonight with the lady from the Priory. She was a lot more helpful on the SIF stuff than the woman from the work counselling (see my last post !) and pretty much said the same stuff WRT everything else - oh pants, I guess I'd better take heed ! We talked a lot about things that have happened to me of late and over the past few years and I feel a lot better for that. I have been told to stop blaming myself for everything and that I have every right to have the feelings I have - I think that brought quite a bit of relief to me really and I'm glad she said that as I honestly thought I was cracking up !! Won't dwell any more on it tonight as I probably bored you all to tears with my mammoth post the other night, plus I'm very tired and have an early start tomorrow. I am going to make a conscious effort to look after myself....watch this space....i.e. that'll all change !

Night everyone

Jo x


----------



## Luisa01

Sarylou - I'm really feeling for you tonight. Look after yourself.  As Suzy and Jobo have said, it does sound as if he needed to sort his head out. I'm sure he'll be back soon and I hope that when he does, he makes it up to you.

Suszy - thank you so much for your lovely post and your kind words.  

I wish I could post personally to each and everyone of you wonderful ladies. I really well up with tears when I think of what kind, decent wonderful women are on this SIF thread going through all this horrible stuff.  I have to be quick with this post as I must drag my sorry self up to bed.     to everyone.

Luisa xx


----------



## dustyrose

Sarylou, Im so sorry to hear that you and DH are struggling, its so hard trying to stay balanced and communicative when we are hurting inside. I hope that Dh has come home and you are able to get through this., Might be easier once DH defenses are down and feeling more open... Counselling is not for the fainthearted and this is my profession! (although not practising as need further qualifications).
My marriage has had its ups and downs too and I can remember few times I thought we were not going to make it. Its such a scary place, particularly when you have children already. I did a lot of 'self help' at the time as I was desperate to change things around. Some books that helped me are 'the five love languages' and 'the marriage book' Nicky and Sila Lee. I know this may not be much for advice but you never know, there might be something in them that helps you both to find compromise and a way forward, like they did for me. xxxxxxxx

Hope pupo ladies in waiting are still feeling the positive vibes. I know so much is at stake and towards the end of 2ww it can start to get really emotional but you're getting so close and nearly there. Stay strong & don't give up on your dreams xxxx

And those lovely ladies with secondary triumphant bumps, I hope that you are enjoying every second (okay, not every second because I can remember some pregnancy moments that just were NOT fun!) of your experience and I also hope that you are starting to let go of the chains of infertility. You have arrived at the final and most longed for stop of this infertility train and you MUST get off, for yourself and for all of us, so to give us hope that one day we too can take ourselves and our emotional baggage off this crappy journey and start living again. 

And for those of who you are starting to feel like moving on is more of a reality, I hope you are feeling a freedom that I long for and a new zest for life and the future. It can only get better once this decision is made, right?

There are positives of not being able to have any more children. I feel its made me more aware of the fragility of conception and bringing life into the world. Its made me a better mother because I don't take this time for granted. Its also made me a better friend and more aware of people who are also suffering from infertility or loss. I can remember when my DD was a baby before I even knew I was afflicted, that I had few friends who couldn't have children or had miscarriages and I did not understand and my compassion was only surface level. Now, its completely different and I am almost ashamed that I wasn't as thoughtful. But remembering this also helps me forgive my friends now who sometimes can be insensitve about my infertility. So in the end infertility can make us more aware, more compassionate and more forgiving. Surely all these things are an incredible asset as we continue on this voyage some like to call 'life'?

If you can't tell, I've been lost in my own thoughts--actually trapped in my own head!!!! So much thinking, and trying to understand and get to a better place that I am getting headaches! I so badly want this part of my life to end that I am prepared to give it all up. Let go and let God. But this is so hard because it may mean another 10 years of 'not trying' when I know I could be. 
Im doing acupuncture and its been going well. This week when she put the needles in and told me she felt there was a lot of energy being trapped inside, particularly in my womb and my heart, the strangest thing happend. I was not feeling ANYTHING, no sadness anxiety nothing! But my eyes just starting leaking tears and couldn't stop. So many tears they were running into my ears and soaking my hair. I was talking to her and saying what is happening to me as I was not crying. She said this was the stagnation coming out. But I didn't feel anything. Its got me thinking that I used to be someone who cried a lot. Very emotional and not afraid to show it. But ever since my dad died last year, I notice I do not cry over sad things anymore. Its like I have shut down to sadness. I can cry at the drop of a hat on something happy or nostalgic but nothing sad. My heart is stone I tell you!!!!! I think this is the next step for me. Trying to release this as i think it has something to do with my fertility. 

Anyways, thats all folks. Sorry to write and run. I've got PTA in a few minutes and need to eat before. So much love to you all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Just a real quickie....

*sarylou * - how's things ? Hope you're OK 

*Luisa01 * & *Jo1983 * - hang on in there PUPO ladies  !!

*Pand * - good luck for your scan tomorrow - hope all is well   

*dustyrose * - lovely post hun 

*Cinders*, *Missyb*, *Suszy * & *Lainey * - 

Me ? barking mad....nothing new there then !

Love to all

Jo


----------



## sarylou

Just a quick note to say thanks so much for all the pm's I will get round to replying when I can give them the time they deserve    

Yes DH did come home in the early hours and we are talking-not about ttc or anything like that but at least we are not hating one another or anything drastic. It must be hard for him that the most important thing in my life isnt him its hoping for a baby and so I do need to consider him and his feelings in all this mess. 

Counselling is becoming quite stale as she does nothing but just let me talk-about anything and by the time ive finished talking about what ever time is up and she gives me no concrete answers or what to do explanations so im left feeling why am i opening up when im not being given a method to deal with these feelings I may as well just keep them in my head and carry on alone if that makes sense? A lot of what I say is me describing that heart wrenching pain ( i liken it to when your child goes missing in a shop that moment of terror in your chest) whenever i see a child-not even a newborn just a child even more so when its a family of 4 or more. And she just says thats me looking for my lost baby. So what do I do about it?

ANyways enough about me and my f'd up self. 

          to everyone right now and thinking of you all xxxxx


----------



## Luisa01

Hi Ladies,

I wanted to let you know that I peed on a stick yesterday and got a BFP.  Peed on the rest of the test sticks in the house after that, as I really could not believe it.  I am really hoping with everything I've got that it sticks.  It's a very early BFP and I'm painfully aware of how often a BFP can turn to a BFN and a bleed.

Basically, this round of IVF is/was my last chance dance. At age 42 with high FSH and low AMH, I was aware that, not being incredibly genetically fortunate, my ovaries could go into the long goodnight on any given month.  Any month could be the last one for a good egg. I also knew that IVF is often not the solution to low ovarian reserve.  I had promised myself that this round would be my first and last, and that if it didn't work, I would have to try and make my peace with the idea that I would never have a brother or a sister for my DS, instead of always hoping, hoping, hoping from month to month, year to year.  My view was, OK, the odds are very much against me, but lets just do this IVF stage by stage, trying not to think beyond each point in the journey, see how far we get.  I tried not to hope.  I was happily surprised every time I passed a hurdle.  But the truth is, now I am scared and desperately hoping.  I have so much to lose now.  I'm trying to enjoy my good result, but find I can't allow myself to get too happy. I'm so f*ng scared it'll be taken away from me. 

I can't share my good news with my mum or look to her for support in this. She's said to me shortly after DS was born that she doesn't think I should have another child at this point in life.  Her line was that as someone who worked in the NHS, she saw loads of babies with genetic abnormalities born to women my age.  When I told her I was thinking of IVF, I got a chilly silence and an oh? What will the risks be to your health?  Her official line was I'm only thinking of you, but there's some hostile, not so pleasant stuff underneath that. I feel I can't tell her about my pregnancy unless and until I get to the end of the 1st trimester with a good nuchal scan + bloods.  That way, I could just shut her up if she tried to put the frighteners on me.

Ladies, I'm painfully aware that my good news has come in the middle of some pretty terrible news for many of you wonderful ladies. I really do not want to be cheering for myself when some of you are going through hell.  I'm just saying, catch me if I fall.  There's a long, long, long bldy way to fall for me now.  I don't know if I would have the strength to deal with a m/c. Anyway, enough about me. I'm sending you all a very big  and hoping that good things start to happen for everyone.

love,

Luisa xx


----------



## dustyrose

Luisa, congrats on your  ....honey, we need good news on here and you've just started the ball rolling! 

So many prayers and thoughts are with you...you've done so well to get this far and you're right about taking each step at a time. This one might just be intense for the next few weeks because like you said, it being snatched away is too much to bear now. But think positive that it won't & make sure you surround yourself with positive thinking people this month, even if they don't know your situation. Im sorry to hear your mum isn't so supportive. No one but you can really understand how much grieve and wanting its taken for you to be where you are so stay protective of your heart and energy right now and don't let me take anything that you need for yourself and baby.

Lots of love, and what a great way to wake up this morning. This is my 2nd news of a BFP the last two weeks upon waking and its starts my day just right! xxxxx


----------



## Jo1983

Luisa

I Know I've said this on the 2ww thread, but huge congrats on your  

I can only imagine how terrified you are at this time, but I'm praying with everything that I have for you and your baby  
I'm sorry your Mum's not there for you, there seems to be a lot of us on the sif thread that have to go it alone. It's awful as this should be an amazinhgly happy time for you and yours.
Stay positive hun and keep all your energy for you and little one to grow big and strong.
Here's hoping I'll be joining you next Friday    

Lots of Love and Luck Luisa, thinking of you hun  
Jo xxx


----------



## dustyrose

Meant to say don't let them not me!


----------



## Luisa01

Thank you so much for your kind hearted and supportive posts, Dustyrose and Jo1983. Lots of love and good things to all the ladies on here.

Luisa xx


----------



## jobo5572

Just another quickie I'm afraid to say....

Luisa01 - great news about your BFP  !!  

Suszy - thank you so much for your lovely card  

Jo1983 - where shall we go in our white coats   ?

Pand - glad you got good news at your scan


----------



## ramblingrose

HI everyone

Having a bit of an off day today; got a hard week ahead of me next week, at home and at work,  and I know the next 10 days or so is going to be tough. Really not having an easy time of it and feel very isolated and alone with it all. Wish I could grit my teeth and fast forward things a couple of weeks !

But great news and congrats to Luisa - really thrilled for you and fingers crossed that everything is ok for you.    

Hope everyone else is ok.  I'm taking DS bowling with a good friend and her two children tomorrow so looking forward to that at least. Trying to treasure my DS a bit (although at times he is making this a bit difficult   ) and want to really get our relationship back on track ....maybe then I will work on my relationship with my hubby   

Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend and sorry for being Little Miss Negative. 

xxx


----------



## Pand

Morning!

Luisa - Just wanted to say huge congrats on your news, but I will make it a muted and quiet celebration for you.  I totally understand your fear hun.  I have to be honest, half way through my treatment I'm not sure what scares me more, a BFN or a BFP.  I know what it's like to mc as do many others on here and it is a pretty terrifying prospect.  I'm not sure this is coming across right, but what I'm trying to say is that many of us understand how frightened you are so please keep posting and we will support you as best we can through the next few weeks.  Hang in there and just take each day as it comes, just like you did with your tx.  I will keep everything crossed for you hun.  Hope you're the beginning of a positive run on here!!!!

Dustyrose - I'm sorry you have such a horrid week coming up and that you are feeling so isolated.  I know that feeling so well.  We are all here for you.

Love to everyone else. Will keep posting on my diary with updates, but the good news is at my first stimming scan they found 13 follicles of all sorts of sizes!!!  A lot better than just four last time, but still such a long way from the final hurdle.  I will keep plodding.

Take care everyone.  Hope you are all enjoying the run up to Christmas... it's manic at school!!!

Love Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Good morning ladies  

Luisa; hope that bfp line is getting stronger and stronger, good luck for monday hun  

Kitty; Hope you're not going insane just yet    

Jobo; Hmmmmm......decisions, decisions, we could always just go to Asda and do the weekly shop, see what response we get   Hope you're ok hun, thinking of you  

Pand; Great news on your scan, keep up the   thinking 

Sarylou; so glad you and dh are talking and back under the same roof. Lord knows sif does terrible things to relationships. I hope you're feeling a bit more upbeat today hun  

Ramblingrose; I'm sorry you have a tough week ahead and that you feel down and on your own   Keep posting hun, we are all here for you  

Dustrose; how are you hun? That was a lovely post you wrote to Luisa  

Lainey; how's the chickens hun? and what did you do?    

Suzie; Thinking of you and yours and beautiful Lola  

Cinders; Thinking of you. Please come and post, I miss you   Thanks for your lovely pm too  

Missy; Hope you're doing ok hun, miss you too  

I want to say a huge THANKYOU to those of you that have text, pm'd and facebooked me over the past week, your support is fantastic!!! You know who you are   Still 6 days to go for me and counting  


Anyone I've missed, it's not intentional, just my bacon sarnie is calling  
Love and luck to us all, have a fab weekend
Jo xxx


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Lovelies

Had scan on Wed. Got a bit teary  Last time I was scaned they told me our baby's hb had stopped. Guess it just brought it all back.
Another scan on Mon. Hopefully ET 2nd or 3rd if my body plays ball. If im not ready then it will be cancelled because lab having
renovations done starting on the 3rd  Started taking steriods this morning and just read the side effects OMG  
I am going to end up a hairy big fat moody insomniac 

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

Luisa  Congrats on you bfp hon


----------



## missyb

hi ladies!

just been catching up with the posts.. there is so much going on with all of us but at least we have some good news and im   that it keeps going!

lyndalou...  hun. hope monday goes well sweety. it must be hard after what happened b4. will be thinking of you.

hi sarylou.. im glad that dh is back. like the others have said, sif puts so much strain on our relationships, our own self esteem and relationships with the fertile freaks! we are always here to listen. having a break can really help. i had a break for 4 mths and it did my sanity the world of good!

luisa.. well done you!!!! like pand said we are always here and please post to your hearts content. families are funny things.. the people you expect to be there for you arent and yet friends can be there for you more. we are happy for you hun  

hi susie.. its great to hear from you!!!! glad you please add me to face book!!!! glad you are happy.

hi jobo.. how are you feeling hun??  

hi pand... how are you sweets? im going to check out your diary in a tick and see how you are getting on.

hi jo1983.. how are you doing sweets?

hi dusty & rambling... hope you ladies are well.

hi laineylou- how are you sweety? how are the chickens?

im sure there are lots who ive missed as we seem to be getting so big on here (i literally am due to the love affair im having with oreos!!) it's not intentional. i dont trust the laptop not to lose my post.

i hope you are all having a nice weekend.

if anyone wants to add me to ******** or me to add them could you please pm me. love to catch up with you on there!



Amanda xx


----------



## Luisa01

Hello ladies,

Lyndalou - You are in my thoughts.  Scans are bldy nerve wracking.  I'm sending lots of   to your follies.

Pand - thank you so much for your kind words.  I know exactly what you mean about a BFP, a BFP holds so much precious hope, it makes you feels so vulnerable.  Well done on your tx so far - 13 is an excellent response.  Sending lots of   to you and those follies. Take care of yourself.

MissyB - it was lovely to see your post.  Thank you for your good wishes.  You are 100% right about friends.  I reckon they're the only reason I'm halfway sane right now! 

Jo1983 - here's wishing you strength for the home stretch, girl.  The last days of the 2ww are the worst.  Sending you lots of sticky vibes.  Thank you for your lovely posts and comment.  You are a star and I'm hoping you get that well deserved BFP. .

Kitty - The same to you, hunnie.  I'm keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed for you for Monday.  Bring on that BFP! 

Jobo - how are you, babe? Thank you so much for your congratulations. 

Dustyrose - hey there, wise and wonderful lady.  I hope you're doing well. You know how much I appreciated your post .

Ramblingrose - I hope you had a good time bowling today and that it was an antidote to your difficult week.  Sending you a big, big  and wishing you strength to get through the 10 days ahead.  

Sarylou, Laineylou, Cinders and Suzsy - sending you a  .

Take care everyone, and wishing you all a happy rest of the weekend.

Luisa xx


----------



## Pand

Just a quickie tonight!  

Had my second stimming scan today and now I've got 16 lovely follies!!!  The nurse even said that they were "splendid!"  How lovely is that?  I cannot believe my good luck.  EC will be Weds morning 7.45 so keep everything crossed for me.  Then we are going to have a nerve wracking wait cos we are hoping to take them to blast.  I know we are still a long way from the finishing line, but it's wonderful to have cleared such a big hurdle.  Onwards and upwards.  Thank you to everyone for their support and lovely texts.

Lots of love 

Pand


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi girls

Luisa - congrats on ur bfp. Enjoy ur pg. 

Pand - wow!  That's amazing  well done on ur bumper crop. I hope EC goes well. 

I amnot going to be posting anymore. I had my follow up on Friday and it is he end of the road for usso I need to go away and try and enjoy the life I have and stop dwelling on what I don't have. 

Lots of love and luck to everyone. 

Lainey x


----------



## Jo1983

Lainey; will miss you so much hun   I understand why you don't want to post anymore and hope that you can find peace and enjoy your life to the full hun   Wishing you lots of love and luck in all you do   Thank You for supporting me over the last few weeks of my tx, it means the world xxx

It's very quiet on here at the minute ladies  

Pand; well done on your bumper crop, wishing you lots of luck for ec in the morning hun  

Love and luck to everyone else, I'm thinking about you all

Jo xxx


----------



## jobo5572

Lainey - I completely understand why you don't want to post any more and I am so truly sorry to hear that it is now the end of the road for you guys  .  You must be devastated and I'm sad that there's nothing I can say that will make it any better for you  .  I hope that soon you will find happiness in the life that you have, and cherish every moment with DD who is absolutely gorgeous and a credit to you.  She is one very special little lady, as are you.  Take care hun and keep those texts coming  

Jo1983 - I think there's a few of us on here that don't feel up to posting at the moment which is probably why it's quiet  .  Whilst I am genuinely happy for those that have had good news lately, it is very hard for people like myself and Lainey who've just had an abandoned cycle (more so for Lainey for whom it's the end of the road) as it is a reminder that ours didn't work out so well - at all well actually as we didn't even get the option of waiting for a BFP or BFN !  I'm also aware that it may not sound genuine when congratulating others even when it is.  All the people that I "met" who were writing diaries at the same time as me and were PM'ing me during my tx have all got BFP's, and that is quite a few which is hard to take.  Whilst I am happy for them too, I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself  .  It is also difficult when people aren't particularly sensitive to your situation when announcing their good news.  Anyway, enough of me - I hope you're doing OK - not long to official testing day now    !!

Pand - well done on the huge number of follicles, and all the very best for your EC tomorrow and beyond  

Luisa - hope you're doing OK  

Lyndalou - hope your scan went well and everything can go ahead as planned  

ramblingrose - hope you're doing OK - I know this is a tough week for you  

MissyB - hi hun.  Hope you're OK  

Cinders & Suszy - thanks so much for your texts


----------



## Jo1983

Good evening ladies,

I hope that everyone is well, I truly wish everyone of you the best of luck in your fights to achieve your dreams. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  

I won't be posting on here anymore so I just want to thank you all for the support over the past year and wish you and your familys well in whatever you do  

Jo xxx


----------



## Pand

Lainey - I'm really sorry hun.  You have been through so much, and it's been a privilege to have been your friend on here for the last couple of years.  I apologise if my news has hurt you or upset you in any way. I didn't mean to be insensitive.  I really hope that you stay in touch.  Treasure your time with DD hun, I'm sure you will.

Jo1983- I'm not really sure why you have decided not to post any more, but I completely respect your decision.  I really hope you get the BFP you are praying for.

I am sorry if my news has hurt people or come across as insensitive.  I only posted because I thought people might be wondering how it was going.  I will keep my diary up to date so those of you who do want to follow my progress, you know where to find it.  

Night all.

Pand


----------



## kittyx

hi all

Pand good luck with ec. Hope it all goes well for you x

Lainey sorry for your news. It must be a really hard decision for you. This is torture. take care of your self x

Jobo how are you? x

Jo1983 Hope you are ok.  

Love and hugs to everyone else.x

Quickie from me  Otd was mon, Tested sun , mon and today all neg but no sign of af yet. Going slowly mad.


----------



## jobo5572

kittyx - I am so sorry to hear that you've tested negative  .  I'm afraid I have no idea about when AF is supposed to arrive after tx as I didn't get that far (doh, stupid body !).  Can you perhaps contact the clinic for bloods to see if the pee sticks you've been using just aren't giving the right result  ?  Thanks for asking how I am - I'm fair to middling thanks, living in la-la land.  So sorry hun - please keep us posted  

Jo1983 - thanks for your texts and PM - now get yourself back on here or else  .  I can run and you can't hide !!!  And don't forget the old tourettes line !  Comes in very useful at times !!!  Glad to hear our DH's have the same "name" !!!  Not long 'til Friday   

Pand - please let us know how you get on


----------



## missyb

evening ladies!

just a quickie from me as dp is on the xbox (lovingly re-named the xboll**!) 

hi lainey.. ive just text you but wanted you to know that im thinking of you. im so sorry that it is the end of this road for you, but maybe the start of another road that brings peace and happiness. you have been a shelter from the storm over the last couple of years and im glad to count you as my friend (ok better stop before the hormone circus gets the better of me!)  

hi pand.. that is such fab news hun and im so happy for you. you deserve some good luck hun and im   for you. (dont forget to get the consultant to play barry white!) 

hi jo1983.. i really hope that you are ok and that you decide to re-think or at least post from time to time. will miss you hun  

hi jobo.. loved the i can run and you cant hide comment!! ha ha how are you hun?

hi kitty... it aint over till its over hun!   

hi ramblingrose..hope you are ok hun and that your week hasnt been too bad  


as for me i'm a right miserable old harridan!! i'm not sure if it's the clomid or what but i feel horrible and tearful. ive had spotting on cd8 (yesterday.. wtf!!) and i just feel awful  anyway, enough moaning from me.


lots of love


amanda


----------



## SUSZY

Hi Girls
I am not sure what to say to you all, I feel like we are all deserting 2ndry at a time when some of us stil need each other, I know a lot of us are on face book and have each others mobile numbers and I know I am one who has not been posting much but its sad as well if you know what I mean.
The main aim for all of us has been a bfp and everyone has always been so supportive when we have and when we have lost it as well. Its also always been nice to just write like we think as it were and put all our thoughts down good and bad if you know what I mean and its been a rollercoaster of a ride and perhaps the time has come for us to leave and go to pastures new (**) but at the same time I am not sure I can and  I feel like as Pand and others are still going through tx we should be here.  Thats just my point of you and as I say I cannot say too much as have been the one who has not been on here much!

I really want to say congrats to louisa and of course we all know why you are worried but try not to and enjoy this next time.

Pand good luck for tomorrow and its excellent news about your follies you have been through so much and we are all right behind you - please text me to let me know how many eggs you get - please keep me posted all the way through - you were always so supportive to me.

kitty sorry about your negative thinking of you and dont give up yet

jo83 good luck honey and sorry you feel you cannot post on here, you know where I am text and email and pm so please keep in touch.

jobo been thinking about you and hope that you are ok and that work etc and home life is ok, your counselling sounds really good and useful.

sarylou glad dh back and hope things improve

dusty sounds like you have been doing lots of thinking and working things out and just wish you luck in everything, what other quals do you need for counselling perhaps you could take that up on here!

lyndalou good luck with the scan sweetheart - here for you and really supporting you

cinders thinking of you and hope you are doing ok honey - how long to go now?  Been meeting my friend every 2 weeks and am handling very well, esp as have my lovely fur baby now.

lainey I quite understand about not wanting to post on here as feel the same myself but think I am still going to post on here at least once a week til chrimbo and then see how I feel,  dont think I could ever give it up completly though (whilst typing that lola eatern a corner of ds reading diary!) but thats because I have a good distraction now.  A friend who has a puppy has introduced me to dog whisperer and I am noticing dogs again rather than babies.  Its like I am more like my old self prefering animals to people as in doggies and my horse riding which I am really enjoying.  Its a huge relief not to be thinking about getting pregnant and being disapointed month after month.  also a lot of people are asking me to go walking with their dogs which is lovely.

missy as ever thinking of you and lovely to see you on face book as well- there is quite a bunch of us its just we are so used to being so open with each other its quite hard on thre as it were.

rambling sorry you have such a hard week to 10 days ahead of you and dont forget we are here for you and glad that things improving with ds.  dh and I have been through some really tough times and sometimes they are not all over but on the whole its better.

well girls as ever not sure where the time has been going I cannot believe how much time Lola takes up but its a lovely time if you know what I mean, its like having my own little friend that I take every where with me. She is so good in the car and it so good with the whole toilet training.  DS loves her so much and was lying on the floor with her calling her his sister and then today he kept saying to her I love you I love you like I say to him.  I must admit I am a little harsher with him as he winds the dog up and runs around like a mad thing and she is play biting and worry about his uniform and liverpool football kit.  I have also upped the play dates as he is officially an only child so had 3 extra kids here on Friday and keep finding myself a bit stressed with the number of kids and mess in the house!!!!  Due to the pup I have had more lunches at home and more play dates than normal and dont feel I have rested if you know what I mean.  Not sure how I would have coped with two kids let alone twins.  Apparently ds was telling my mum that her daughter had two children now, he is so much happier and more confident and a bit naughtier its hard to describe the change she has had on us adn the fact that I smile when I see her othre then when she play bites a bit hard.  (she is now laid on the sofa next to me and she was not to be allowed on the sofa and she keeps going upstairs which she was also not supposed to do!)
Not sure I am coping well with the extra responsiblity though as on Friday ds was upstairs with some kids with glitter glue and one of them got it on their trousers and I thought he had cut his knee as was glittering red as he was kneeling on some scissors - I had a panic and was worse when I realised it was ok if you know what I mean. I went downstairs and put my head between my knees! Then yesterday I thought I had broken Lolas paw as she had followed me out of the door in the car and squealed when I shut it, I had a huge panic attack and gave ds and all his bags to another mum and rushed to the vets and luckily it was fine but I have noticed I dont seem to be able to cope very well with those panic situs. I seem to have coped well with so many other situs that sometimes now with others are ott if you know what I mean and need my rescue remedy. Having said all that I am so glad we got Lola and she is so georgous and I wish we had got her years ago although she is a handful. (she just been biting the cables of the pc and my hand!)
I am not really sure what I am trying to say other than I am still here for you all and I love you all and if any of you need to text me 07831 627724 or email me sstrachan bigfoot com then please do.  I am here and want to support you all.
I so wish jo83 gets a good result and also Pand that tomorrow goes well for you.
I will still be posting once a week til chrimbo but I think sometimes time passes so quick that I dont realise how long its been since last posting. Dont forget I am never that far away.
Also had a good weekend went to a free life coaching course which was excellent and met some lovely people, I missed the 2nd day as too hung over from a folk evening which was a fund raiser and a lot of us mums got told of for chatting through performances!!!!!  the life coaching looked so easy and it was really nice to chat with like minded people and its something that seemed quite easy but the courses they were selling were really expensive. however it was a good weekend and I keep saying yes to everything for myself and ds.
Think I have done enough rabbiting and now the lovely doggy is biting the table so have to go.
Take care my lovelys i will be back soon but please dont hesitate to pm or text or email me I am here for you all as you were all here for me.
Love you all lots.
Love

Susie


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## Jo1983

Hi Ladies

Ok.....I'm back, please completely ignore yesterdays post, I thought I had really offended and upset somebody on here and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do in a million years   
You ladies have been my lifeline over the past year and especially over the past few weeks whilst having my tx, but she has assured me I haven't, and also told me I'd get battered if I didn't come back, so I'm very scared of her now  

Susie; I love your long posts, I miss them so much when you don't post for a while. I agree that we need to be here for each other, and the only reason I wasn't posting was because I never want to cause anyone on here upset or pain, so thought it best to stay away for a while. The pics of lola on your ** are beautiful. It's fantastic that your ds loves her so much, they will be so close when they grow up together. My puppy who is now 8 months old loves my ds more than me and dh. I understand completely that you're going to slow down on the posts. I hope you feel you can pop in and say hi after crimbo as I and I'm sure everyone else would miss you terribly. Thankyou so much for your well wishes and good luck texts. You are an absolute star and I hope you are extremely happy  

Missy; Good to have you on board **, I am a playstation widdow, perhaps we should start a club   Hope you're feeling a little better today hun  

lainey; miss you already   Please know that I'm thinking of you  

Jo; Hi mum   Thanks for your support, you are a god send and I love you to bits  

Pand; thinking of you today, please let us know how you get on today and how many eggs they collect  

Kitty; How are you hun? Been thinking of you a lot the past few days    

Lyndalou; hope your scan went well and you can move ahead soon, thanks for your well wishes too, here for you  

Rambling, Dusty, Cinders, Louisa, Sarylou and anyone else a big hello to you all and sending you bucket loads of luck and  

Take care all and I will be back to post I promise, still here for all of you  

Jo xxx          2 sleeps to go til otd


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## Ladyhex

Afternoon Ladies 

Dont know if im posting in the right place or not ?

Im new to this thread , have posted on other threads.

I have a DD and awaiting IVF sometime in 2009 

Ladyhex xx


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## Jo1983

Hi Lady hex and welcome  

You have posted in the right place hun. Everyone here is lovely and supportive.
Have you any idea when you will be starting your tx? I see from your signature that your clinic haven't tested you, that's quite strange, did they say why? Sorry it sounds like question time just very intrigued  

Love Jo xxx


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## Ladyhex

Hi jo 

Your right it is strange ( they just did Bloods) to see if i was ovulating ( low and sometimes nothing)

They did DH Sperm and cause it came back not good , they said straight away IVF 

But i just keeping thinking that me and DH are very luck to have one DD already and i guess we can wait for IVF ( if its meant to be it will )

Ladyhex xx


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## Jo1983

Ladyhex

I guess they are the experts and not me   We just have to put our trust in them and hope they know what they are doing  

Do you get a free nhs go in your area? I don't think anyone I've met on the secondary board has had a free ivf.

You are right, we are all very lucky to have our child/children, god only knows how terrible Primary if must be. Having one child doesn't make you stop longing for another though and we musn't feel guilty for that need to have a baby again  
Take care and I hope all your dreams come true with next years ivf  
Jo xxx


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## lainey-lou

Hello girls. 

I know I said I wasn't going to post but feel I have to. 

Firstly, the reason for saying I wouldn't be posting is purely personal, it was nothing to do with anyone else so please do not think I am in any way upset or angry with anyone. I am just tryingto come to terms with the fact that I will not be having any more tx and it seemed hard to do this when posting all the time, plus other peoples' good news can be hard to deal with when u have reached the end of the road. That doesn't mean I don't wish everyone well, it just makes me human I suppose. 

Secondly, I have had so many messages in the last 24 hours, offering support, etc and highlighting to me that I am not the only one having a tough time (as suszy very eloquently said) I have decided that it would be perhaps selfish of me to stop posting. Does this make sense?

So I amback for now. 

Ladyhex - welcome. 

Lainey x


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## jobo5572

Lainey - perfect sense hun  .  You have explained what I was trying to explain in my earlier post so much better than I did.  I made a hash of it as always.  I know I am slightly different in that we haven't actually been told it's the end of the road for tx, but financially it is for us  . My references to insensitive comments weren't for people on this thread - I was just trying to explain why it was so hard for me right now - you did a much better job hun.  Always here for you  

Ladyhex - welcome to the thread  !

Jo1983 - you're a nutter  

Suszy - lovely long post as always hun  

kittyx - thinking of you  

Pand - hope everything went well today  

missyb - I'm so-so hun, thanks


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## sarylou

Hello everyone. Sorry I havent been on-trying (and failing ) to keep myself busy. Im also trying and again failing to get into xmas-we were going to announce the pgcy at xmas as would of had the 12 week scan 2 weeks before xmas. So really dont want xmas this year. 

Lainey I am pleased you are sticking around. I know its very hard when you hear good news and yourself are faced with bad so I completely understand your thoughts and maybe just some time out once in a while is a good idea. I know I stepped away from here for a year when we stopped ttc as it hurt to be left behind almost iyswim. And I am so sorry you have reached the end of your journey for your precious child. Dont forget to grieve for this as some one pointed out to me. Im not only grieving for my loss but also the loss of my hopes and dreams. ((hugs))

Ladyhex welcome on board and good luck with your journey in 2009. Will be lovely to get to know you more xx

Suszy great to hear from you also hun. Lola sounds adorable   and bless Ds getting himself covered in glitter.   

Pand thats fantastic news on the Eggs and I hope EC went well today   

Luisa congrats on your BFP and I hope its a very sticky bfp. xxxx   

JO1983 I have everything possible crossed that Friday brings you such happy news. xxx     

Jobo I hope you are ok hun. Hows the counselling going?   

Kitty I hope its a shy BFp for you xxxx   

Missyb the clomid turned me into such a hormonal monster.    Hope your ok 

Sorry if ive missed anyone out-phone keeps ringing so I keep being interupted. Its taken nearly an hour to type this all  

AF arrived monday so felt very down and sad but today feeling a bit more with it and normal-what ever that is  
I got my appointment with the consultant about reccurrent mc testing for 8th Jan so just over a month away which is good-although its being held in the antenatal clinic          Dh confused me the other night telling me he had spoken to his mum about the mc-she knew things arent right between us and he told her whats been happening and she mentioned a friend who lost 7 and then her gp put her on aspirin and she went on to have 4 kids and he said all you might need is 1 aspirin to keep the pgcy. I am now like is he thinking about us trying again I feel he has given me a piece of hope and im just waiting for it to be snatched away again. 

I cancelled the counselling this week and I felt sooo much better for not going? Im going next week but I really dread it. I just cant see how me pouring out all this hurt and pain and her then say right times up and let me leave feeling the ay i did last week-I felt like jumping in the river last week I was that upset afterwards. 

Anyhows I need to get ready for work. I hate weds  Love to all xxxxx

PS who is on **? Im on there but havent got anyone from here on there. If you want me that is


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Sounds like we've been having a few crossed wires on this thread. Hope we're all sorted now!!!

Pand; Hope EC went ok today. I looked at the clock this am at 7:30am and thought about you getting ready to go in!

Luisa: congrats on the BFP, I really hope it snuggles in tight and that you have a happy 9 months.

Ladyhex: welcome to the thread, i don't come on here too often these days but I like to keep up with whats going on!!!

Jobo: how are you doing? I hope you're finding the counselling is doing some good. Have you thought about next steps yet? Are you going to give it another go.  You never know, having the counselling first might be the best thing for you, they do say that a clear head really helps with infertility.

Jo: How are you doing PUPO lady, fingers crossed for a bfp for you.

Suszy: glad to hear you're doing so well. You're an inspiration to us, and it's good to know that there really is light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of the outcome. Keep up the good work!!

Lainey: My heart goes out to you hun, it made me feel so sad yesterday to read your post. The end of the road is such a hard place to get to, but in many ways as Suszy is showing it can be the beginning of a calmer and happier existence. Sending you lots of     


Kitty: I'm sorry about your negative test. Are you having bloods done? I hope a little miracle changes it to a positive for you and that the Witch doesn't make an appearance!

Sarylou: sorry the Witch arrived. It's hard when other halfs drop out things and give you a glimmmer of hope isn't it? You're almost too scared to ask any further in case they change their minds, or you misunderstood them. I hope you sort it out.

Everyone else I've missed Hello
ME: I've been feeling much more positive about life and getting on with things. My job has really helped as I have got stuck into it. Also been going to the gym, so I've not had much time to thing about IF. Had a sad teary day yesterday, PMT probably! But that's the first time I've needed to cry for a few weeks now, which has to be positive. If we could only just switch off the feelings, life would be so much easier!!! thinking about doing iui again maybe in the new year, although realistically don't expect it to work! Trying to get fit and healthy at mo though!!!

Lots of love and    to everyone.

Faithful x


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## Ladyhex

evening Ladies

Thanks for all the welcomes   

there are alot of people to try and remember .....hopefully will get there some day lol 

Ladyhex xx


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## Pand

Evening,

Personals first!

LadyHex - welcome to the thread.  It took me a while to remember everyone, but you will get the hang of it I promise!!

Lainey - I'm so glad you're not going to stop posting.  There are a lot of people on here, me included, who would miss you desperately if you didn't.  I know you are feeling very down at the moment.  But this thread has always been about supporting each other through the good and the bad.  If you left now, I feel that it would be just when you need us most and you would leave such a massive hole.  Thank you so much for your lovely messages and texts today.  You are a very good person worrying about others when you're having such a hard time yourself.  I really hope we can help you through this.  

FFH - Sorry you had a teary day hun.  Good to hear from you though and I'm glad your job is going well. 

Sarylou - I'm not surprised you are dreading Christmas. Every milestone is so painful afer a miscarriage and a constant reminder of what could have been.  For a long time, it just feels as though you are existing doesnt' it?  But keep plodding hun, just one foot in front of the other.  I know counselling feels like you are constantly scratching at a healed wound, and opening it up again, but please try and stick with it.  It is a painful and drawn out process, but I can honestly say, it worked for me and got me through a very dark time.  Is it just the process or the counsellor?  Always here to listen if you need to chat chick. 

Jo1983 - I'm really glad you changed your mind.  This is such a hard time and you need all the support you can get.  You feel a bit like you are dangling over a precipice waiting for someone either to rescue you or drop you!!!  I am about over the next day or so, so please shout if you need to rant, rage or, please god, jump for joy!!!!  I really, truly hope you will get your longed for BFP... it will give so many of us on here some hope that it can happen!!  

Suzy - As always you manage to put so eloquently what everyone else is thinking.  I think you are incredible given how well you are doing.  You are a true inspiration and I really hope that if this tx fails for me, I will be able to accept my lot and move on as well as you have.  I love the way you are grasping life and wringing every last bit of fun and happiness out of every second.  You carry on!!!  And thank you for all your lovely texts.  As always your support has been fab.

Missyb - How is the evil clomid treating you today chick?  You have been so lovely with your texts and messages and kept me sane this week!!  Thank you!!!  The cons didn't have Barry White so he played S Club Seven instead... didn't really have the desired effect!!!  Will take my own CD in if I get to ET!!!!!!!  

Cinders - Thank you too!!!!  You are like a constant but quiet presence and I'm doing my best to keep that PMA!!!! You helped so much during my last cycle and here we are again!! Ever feel like it is ground hog day!!

Hi to everyone else who I have mentioned and hope you are all well.  I wasn't going to post what happened today on this thread for fear of causing any more upset, but as so many people have sent me PMs/texts and posted messages I thought I'd best reply otherwise it would seem rude!!!!!  We got nine eggs at EC this morning.  I am very sore tonight and strangely, feel as though I've been stabbed in the ovaries with dozens of needles... oh... wait a minute... I have!! Ouch!!!  I won't say any more than that on here but will do the long winded version on my diary.  So now we wait for the phone call tomorrow morning.  I feel pretty calm.  Spent this afternoon sitting looking at DS thinking just how flipping lucky I was to have such a lovely little boy.  I'm going to try and get myself back to the place where I was happy with what I have and anything else is a bonus.  

Thank you to all of those who have sent me their lovely vibes!!!  

Lots of love

Pand


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## SUSZY

Hi again!

           
Pand   well done on the 9 eggs and fingers crossed for the next few days, its the worse bit all that waiting - lets just hope they are all getting jiggy with it in the dish!         

Ladyhex    - welcome and good luck with your tx.

louisa still so made up for you and thanks for your lovely comments -its very sweet and I appreciate it very much.
Just enjoy! and we are all here for you.

jane d    hope you are ok and look forward to seeing you Friday.  Jan/Feb getting closer.  you have gone quiet hope you are ok honey?

ffh -      snap am feeling abit teary tonight, not sure just happy everyone has not deserted on here and that you all say such lovely things about my posts and I had a lovely message from an ffer on ** all about moving on with fur babies and brought tears to my eyes as moving if you know what I mean.  Might also be the wine!!!!! Interesting about the IUI if you decide to the girl that came around tonight with her only child conceived through iui.

saraylou,    sounds like dh confused himself and the other night was just pure pressure, dh and I have had such bad rows about it all and am surprised we are still here and some of the other girls know what I have been through but still hanging on.  I have had the clotting test that I passed and also the one at Liverpool the killer cell one and I remember the consultant recommending aspirin then but as I cleared both did not bother.

jobo -     thinking of you as ever, we are all here for you honey and we love you - please remember that. You have been through so much and ff has become your life line so you need to keep posting.

j083    thinking of you and wishing you all the best honey, so glad you are back and thanks for your lovely comments.  I just write from my heart and brain and always mean the best for everyone and hope that I have never offended upset anyone.
Sweet will reply to you re furbaby soon.

lainey     so glad you are back I was a bit upset last night when I came on and had to get another bottle of wine and now feel all teary as we are all back, its so hard to explain and describe and I hope I did not offend you in what I said, I just know that FF saved my life and that without this 2ndry thread I could not have got through the toughest times of my tx.  Posting daily, ever few days, weekly has saved my life and being able to put my thoughts down without fear has been lovely (one thing you cannot do on **!) and I just want to be here for everyone as everyone has been here for me.  sometimes I have felt a little left out on here but that was because I was in a low place and I have to admit sometimes it feels a little strange reading posts written by Angelas new recipient as its all so deja vu and I could have written the things  a year ago and I have decided to not post or read on there so much as I want them to be able to post what they want - dont get me wrong I am so happy for them and so hope it works and we have decided its the end of the road for us but it feels strange as we had such a unique relationship and she would probably feel the same if I had found a another donor.  I have also left the donor thread as 8 of the girls have got bfps and I am so happy forf them but its hard to read and see the  scan photos etc so I am not perfect by any means (may even regret typing all that !) 
Its so hard not to upset the ones we are closest to and yet like with our partners sometimes we take it out on those closest to us.  That is enough of me rabbiting.

Missy    - you are a lovely lady and I so hope that we can get to meet up one day - I am finding ** a bit harder to use than hear and one cannot be as open. perhaps we should start our own website!

Dusty hope you are ok honey.  You are such a lovely lady.

kitty thinking of you honey

rambling hope you are ok thinking of you as ever and here for you

cinders thinking about and so happy for you and hope you have found plenty to people to talk to on here about your preg and please come back on here too as we miss you!

dizzy hope you are ok honey and get a few mins to yourself.

emsy and emma hope you two are doing ok too.

My cousin is coming to visit again next week and am so looking forward to seeing her, she is so lovely and almost feels like my little sister.  I cannot explain this feeling of being more like my old self, its so hard but I feel like my old personality is just leaping forward and yes I would love another baby but I cannot put myself through any more torture (mind you as I have often said if someone gave me 5k I would probably go to Spain.
It would be so great to  meet you all again soon. I am heading down to devon on Sunday 21st dec so it would be great to meet for a cuppa etc if anyone was free? but dont worry if too busy.
So happy we are all back     

Thats about it for now.
Just want to say love you all again.


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## lainey-lou

Oh Suszy, you are funny!  Crack open another bottle of wine, go on  

No, I am not offended by what you say, as usual you make perfect sense  

Pand -                           A little fertility dance for you for those eggies tonight and the     

Nine is a great result, you must be chuffed.  Good luck with the call tomorrow.  Let us know how you get on.   

FFH - good to hear from you  

Lyndalou - how has it gone this week?  

Sarylou -   as Pand said, stick with the counselling.  I am sure it will help in the end.  Yes, Christmas for me last year was pretty awful - I had a miscarriage in November so it was pretty pants.  BUT, I am still here and surviving and looking forward to this Christmas with my little miracle who LOVES Christmas. 

Jo1983 - only 2 more sleeps   

Luisa - how are you?  Sinking in yet?

Kitty - any news from you?

Jobo -  

Hi to everyone else.

Bed time for me  

Lainey x


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## emmypops

Hi everyone 

Wondered if I could join your wee thread? I have a DD who is 2 1/2 and was miraculously conceived naturally. We have been TTC no.2 for the last 2 years and have had 2 m/cs and 3 failed IVF attempts. We are planning one more IVF with my own eggs Jan/Feb and if that fails we are on the donor egg waiting list which should happen about Aug 2009. I am looking forward to getting to know you all. 

Take care
|Emmy xx


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## lainey-lou

just wanted to say good luck to Jo for today. Thinking of u  

Hope u get the result u deserve. Let us no won't u. 


L x


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## Pand

I am at work, so I'm afraid I can't text everyone.

Not a positive post, so this time I won't cause any offence!

We have 4 embies, all grade 2, 2 only 2 cell, 2 4 cells.  ET is tomorrow.

For those of you who remember my last cycle, this is worse than last time.  I am absolutely gutted.  I guess I kind of always knew it wasn't meant to be.

Jo1983, I really hope this works for you hun.

Thinking of you.

Pand


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## lainey-lou

Pand - you can stop all this negative thinking right now  

There is a girl on the poor responders board who I think got four embies (may even have been three) and was told they weren't very good quality.  On that basis they put three back and she is now 31 weeks pg with TRIPLETS    (at one point it was quads).  People with one embryo can get pg so I am damn sure you can with four.  Remember me?  I got one embie last year with IVF and I got a BFP. 

I know it is really hard to stay positive and keep believing, especially as things seem to be getting worse by the day.  But YOU ONLY NEED ONE, that's all - unless you really want triplets  

Sending you huge hugs and       and a   for good measure.  I still have faith that it can work even if you don't.

Jo - please let us know your news, I am fretting about you  

Lainey x


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## lainey-lou

Forgot to mention Pand, my one embie when I got a BFP was a grade 2


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## Jo1983

Hi everyone

It's a    for me! Thank You all so much for thinking of me. Have scan in 2 weeks and am trying to stay calm and positive at the minute.

Pand, I only had 1 embie, a 4 cell put back hun, and look at me now!!! Please try and be positive hun  

Love to all
Jo xxx


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## lainey-lou

Jo 

That's terrific news.  Congratulations hun. 

                         

Look after yourself and take it easy.

Lainey x


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## Pand

Lainey and Jo,

Thank you both soooo much and Cinders who has been sending me similar style texts!!!!!  I've had my mope, and I will do my best to get my rather large bottom up off the floor and try to see the positive!!!!  You're absolutely right... it could happen.  Just wish I believed it would!!!!  Jo I am so delighted for you hun.  Have sent you a PM.  You have to keep going, I'm relying on you!

Thank you.

Pand


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## ramblingrose

Congratulations to Jo, and stay positive Pand; as everyone else has said, your results so far are not bad at all, and things are still hopeful for you.

Hope everyone is ok. No time or energy for a longer post today so sorry and my best wishes to you all.

xx


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## Luisa01

Pand - I know a mum from DS's playgroup who had IVF 2x, conceiving each time.  Each time she got fewer than 5 embies, even though she produced 28 eggs one time.  None of her embies were above grade 4! That's right, grade 4!.  As for me, I got 4 embies, all with odd numbered cells - 2 weren't good enough to freeze and look at me.  Keep your chin up, girl.  I'm sending you all the very, very best of luck for tomorrow  .

Jo, huge congratulations for your BFP.  You must be absolutely delighted.  That is truly lovely news. .

Luisa xx


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## Jo1983

Good Morning  

Thankyou all for your congratulations and also to everyone who has pm'd and text and facebooked me.  

Pand, wishing you lots of luck for today hun, it can work with set remember!!! Just look at me!!! it only takes one beautiful embie and I think Louisa's post proves that Grade 1 embies aren't always the ones that go on to a healthy pregnancy. Thanks for your pm, thinking of you today, I know it's not a nice time, but it also is lovely to be pupo   You can do this.....I have faith!!!

Jobo........where are you hun?   Thinking of you  

Lainey, no need to fret hun, I'm here, happy and bouncing. Big   to you. Sooooo glad you still posting, but please don't feel like you have to, it's your desicion hun  

Rambling, you sound down hun, please keep posting, we are here for you  

Louisa, how's it all going hun.....great I'm hoping  

Emmypops, welcome to the thread hun, look forward to getting to know you  

Susie, Missy, Cinders, Dusty, Lyndalou, ffh, ladyhex, Kitty.....where are you? Miss you all  

Love to all 
Jo xxx


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Not posted on here for a while. Have been coming on and reading but not sure whats happening. Was it something
I missed? There seems to be a problem and everyone seems to be getting upset. To be honest it has put me off posting
and makes me quite sad because this has always been such a lovely supportive friendly thread. I hope everyone is ok
and that everything settles down. Life is too short ladies and we all have our ups and down days and just need to be there for each other. Big Hugs for everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jo Congrats on your bfp. So very happy for you! You must be walking on cloud nine x

Pand Thinking of you today. Stay positive and remember it only takes one! Really hope you get your dream x


----------



## Jo1983

Lyndalou

Completely agree with everything you said hun, I'm not sure what's happened and it's such a shame, I hope we can all come back and post, like you say this thread has always been somewhere where we can come and post and say anything and not be worried. Lets hope it returns soon as i miss everyone. Life is way too short and it's very sad. I felt like you the other day, but we all need each others support  

Thanks for your congrats.  

Jo xxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Yes girls, we don't want bad feeling on here.  As you say, life is too short for silly disagreements and we should all be here for each other.  

Love you all  

Lyndalou - how are you?  Are you PUPO yet?

Lainey x


----------



## RLH33

Hello everyone

Have just been reading the posts and wanted to congratulate Jo83 on the good news - Well Done, I am really, really pleased for you and am sending lots of      for the next 8 and a half months.

Pand, I have been following your ivf diary and have been reading the posts on this thread as well.  Keep your chin up and as lainey-lou said this is not the time for negative thoughts.  I don't know much about IVF (although this could all change in the next couple of months!!) so don't know what Grade 2 embies means but an emby is an emby and as others have said lots of women get a bfp from embys like yours.  I am very very sad that you have been 'told off' for posting the results of your follicle scan, I love hearing of people's good news, however minor, where SIF and IF is concerned as it gives me hope so keep it up - this is supposed to be a support network for the good times as well as the bad.  I am really     that this works for you as you really truly deserve it.

RLH


----------



## jobo5572

Good evening ladies

A relatively short one from me tonight, but just wanted to catch up on personals before I leave.

sarylou - I'm sorry that xmas looming will remind you that you could've been announcing your recent pg  .  Glad you've got an appointment to discuss the recurrent mcs, but I can't believe they're doing it at the ante-natal clinic .  I wish they'd think more about the situation that people are in before they send them to ante-natal  .  My counselling is going OK, thank you for asking.

FFH - good to hear from you  

emmypops - welcome to the thread  

Jo1983 - glad you got official confirmation at the hospital of your BFP      !  It was hard enough for me to keep it to myself so you must've been bursting at the seams !  Either that or you-know-what-ing yourself    Look after yourself pregnant lady  !!!

ramblingrose - thank you for your email    I hope you can get things sorted with DS really soon.  Take care.

Luisa01 - hope you're feeling OK  

Lyndalou - please don't feel you can't keep posting.  Hope your tx is going well  

Pand - congratulations on being PUPO and I really hope that you get the BFP you deserve after all this time and what you've been through.  I know you no longer believe a word I say, but I really do mean it  .


I won't be posting for a while ladies, mainly because I'm spending the next 4-5 days in hospital with my DS as he's having a major operation and will then be helping him recuperate at home for the best part of a fortnight.  Also because I've been made aware of late that things I have written have not come across as they should have so I feel I should just  

Take care everyone.

Jo


----------



## kittyx

hi all Just areally quick one from me, BFN!!!!!!!!!  tested til wed 2 days after otd. Clinic told me to stop pesseries. Af didn't arrive til fri. Gutted. Don't know what to do next. Got a follow up on 10th dec but glad xmas will distract me. Feel like the last 7 weeks never happened Not to  mention all the other treatment.

Only a few personals as not had time to catch up properly. 

Jobo hope your ds is ok.  

Jo1983  congrats xxx

Pand congrats on PUPO. xx

Love and hugs to everyone. sorry for short message xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Pand

Aw Kitty,

I am so so so sorry the IVF failed hun.  I know from personal experience, as do many others on here, just how much that must be hurting.  I have read somewhere that a failed cycle can  be likened to the grief you experience after a mc, and having been through both, I think there is something in that. You are grieving for the baby you wanted so badly and went through so much to try and conceive.  So be kind to yourself, allow yourself to be upset if you need to and drink your body weight in wine.  As you said, Christmas is just around the corner and hopefully the festive spirit will help to lift you a little.  I really am sorry hun.

RLH - thank you chick so much for your lovely post.  I feel exactly the same as you on here and agree with Lainey.  We are going through enough all of us to worry about silly disagreements.  As for posting positive news... hmmmm.  I don't think I'm going to be in danger of doing that again!!!  Not because I was told off, but because I'm not convinced there will be any!!!    But I will do my best to enjoy the time I have over the next two weeks whatever the outcome.

Jobo - I hope the op goes ok and wish your little DS a speedy recovery.  Good luck.

Lainey, Cinders, Suzy, FFH, Missyb, Jo1983, Luisa and all the other ladies on FF, thank you all for being there. Big   to you all! 

Lots of love

Pand


----------



## sarylou

Happy 1st of December ladies    

Jo1983 huge congrats hun and wishing you a very happy and healthy pgcy xxxxx   

Kitty I am so very sorry the ivf failed    look after your selves. 

Pand I hope all is going well with you xxxxx       

Jobo good luck with ds op and wishing him a v speedy recovery xxxx    also I hope everything is going well with you-yes the hosp are a nightmare for their lack of tact 

Everyone else      I hope you are all well. 

Me and Dh are making slow progress. Trying to talk more and be there for one another. I am keeping up with the counselling as he wants me to keep at it. He also admitted that he regretted the moment he mentioned the aspirin that I would jump to the conclusion he wanted to ttc again   so that was a   but I am still clinging on to the hope in time he will change his mind-I just hope my fertility doesnt dwindle too low in the time it takes?
My neighbour got taken to hosp by ambulance today-she is due either this month or new year so no doubt a newborn will be arriving home in the next few days    to say she doesnt "deserve" her kids is a huge understatement. Think vicki pollard but rougher and thats her. Her kids taught me a few swear words ive never even heard of    and her and her dp had many an argument at around 16 weeks with her moaning that they planned this pgcy and she didnt think it would happen first try etc etc         neither of them work either   so im just trying to get my head round this all. 
I should of been 11 weeks today and I am just so upset and angry at the world right now. But I know you all feel exactly the same and its amazing to be amongst those that do. But im goign to shut up now before I really get myself upset as DS due home soon. 

Love to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## spenny

Can I join you, having been a stalker on this site for almost a year I have finally found the courage to post.

I am 32 and my DH 35, we are blessed with a DS 4. I have been trying to conceive for 3 1/2 years with no luck. We sort treatment last September and since then I have had 5 failed cycles of IUI (2 natural, 3 med, 1 of whcih was abandoned due to over stimming) and 2 cycles of IVF, 1 with ICSI. This week we had the news that our FET cycle had to be cancelled as oue 3 embryos did not thaw. As you girls can imagine I am devastated and fed up. It has been just an rollercoaster of a year, we have pushed to do the treatments so close together and I just don't know where we will go from here. I have a follow up next week.

I don't know whether to seek a second opinion at a differnt clinic or just carry on locally. I so desperately want a sibling for my DS. I am one of 3 and my sisters are my best friends. We are in the 'unexplained' category which is so frustrating as I feel my hands are tied. They have hinted at egg quality being an issuse but nothing solid. I have had 2 very different cycleswith the IVF, first one I over stimmed and second almost understimmed! I honestly don't know where to go from here.
Any suggestions?


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls

Welcome to Spenny   and well done for taking the courage to post and I am sorry its under such circumstances.  I am not sure what to say to you honey other than good luck and we are here for you.  I have decided to for me to draw the line as hard it is once I have made the decision its quite easy to follow.  Good lck and hugs in whatever you do.

jo83    fab news darling and many congrats - good luck for scan in 2 weeks

louisa   hope you are doing ok honey

pand      pupo lady keep up the pma sweetheart there is every chance its going to work so keep pos   

lainey   - glad I made you laugh honey and hope that you are doing ok

ladyhex   hope you are ok

FFh l   ovely to hear from you as ever and glad things are going well

sarylou   sorry things are so hard but its understandable and hope the counselling helps

jobo      so sorry to hear about Ds and thinking of you at this hard time, we are going to miss you over the next few days and please come back after, perhaps we could agree to post on a certain day or meet in the chat room and i want to meet up with you again soon.  Thinking of you and here for you

missby    hope you are ok and thinking of you

jane   lovely to see you on Friday and to meet dd she is georg and you looking so well again

dusty    thanks for your lovely message on ** and i will get around to replying! thre are so many of us on there now now isnt there. speak soon!  Lola lovely but still very bitey which getting me down abit, she had her second jab last thrusday so can take her out this thurs for walks so looking forward to that, she is lovely though.

emma and emsy hope you are ok   

emmypops hi to you and welcome  

kitty    so sorry about your bfn its so hard isnt it sweetheart, dont forget we are all here for you

rambling   thinking of you and know what you mean about not having the energy - sending you lots of love and luck 

rlh 33    nice to hear from you again  

cinders   hope you are doing ok

lyndlou   agree re secondary and lets hope we can return to normal although I suppose inevitable some do more on.

Honeyprincess, Gabrielle and Tuck and toothdr how are you and where are you

ok girls lets hope we can all get back to how we normally were and could post what we wanted good bad or indifferent!

well I have some good news and some bad - I was actually so happy on thursday night and I know some of you got a drunken text of me saying what a fab time I had at Simple Minds on Thrs they were amazing and we had such a good time.  I was so happy and I actually caught myself being happy again another day only to be contrasted to how I felt around 1030 this am sat in the dentists chair! We were due for fillings ds and me (he is on his second small one which is such a shame) and I was having one, anyway on Friday and over the weekend I started with toothache - now if those of you remember I had a tooth ripped out of my mouth a year ago last Feb and it was one of the lowest points of my life as I was feeling down anyway plus pain and cold I was at the very bottom of the pit.  Anyway he starts to say about the two options and luckily my ds had gone with my mum back to school after the dentist had told him he was the best patient he had had that day only to be replaced by the sobbing wreck that was me when he mentioned root canal work I became hysterical shaking and sobbing and being a right baby.  He kept saying if it were his wife he would do the root canal work because of where the tooth was, I told him as far as i could tell it was all filling anyway.  He talked me into doing something I think digging it out and putting a dressing on and then a temporary filling and once he got started I tried to go into a meditative state but after I had another few tears/sobs when he tried to put some funny thing on my tooth!  He then told me I had to come back twice for an hour each and I remember from last time that its goign to cost hundreds of pounds to be tortured! Whilst he was doing that Take That were on and he said he thought the song ""the best day of our lives" was a simple minds one and of course I wanted to tell him about thrus but could not as could not speak but had only just been thinking about how happy I had been that night compared to there and then!  So there girls I have had bad karma back from something I had done.  I had an exhausting weekend with two kids and a mum back for tea then the disco where I helped then an evening with a Medium on Fri then first thing Sat am a party at crewe, then dropped ds at my mums , did a craft fayre then came home and cooked a meal for dhs father and step mother with ds being dropped back before they arrived, entertaining the dog which they loved as they used to have them and made the visit much better as we had not seen them for nearly a year.  On sunday I got up early to do some church activity and then sunday pm had two parties during which my toe started to hurt more - I bashed it a week last fri and it so sore think must have broken it, then my tooth started to hurt really bad and the 2nd party was a ski party and it was freezing cold and dh who came with me for a change, well in his car as he wont leave it anywhere and we wre late and lost and I was fed up and ended up snapping at a girl who asked me how my weekend was and now she is all upset me with me!  I was so exhausted last night after weeks of buring the candle at both ends and over doing it in the play date/entertaining and drinking and have been glad of my rest today even if the morning was horrible and i am dreading the next two fridays - my worst nightmare .  Added to that dh wanted to borrow my car to take stuff to the tip but of course I was out in it most of the weekend so he was upset with me about that so we started rowing about that.  actually we have not been getting on that well again and feel he criticises me about everything. also although am not supposed to tell the world his contract up at april (normally renewed dec and june so think we will have to make some cut backs and then he said i might have to look for a job. perhaps its the kick i need.
Other than that girls all is well   
Got a text from Ang she was in London at a conference must be a fertility one and had met hobbesy and drowned girl adn their twins!
I think I might cheer us all up with a few decs as its 1st Dec.
         
As ever good luck to everyone in the various stages both very preg cinders and whippet newly preg louis and jo83 and pupo pand to everyone else in the diff stages and special hugs to those bfns and cancelled cycles.
love and hugs       
susie


----------



## kittyx

pand thanks for your kind words x

Sarylou    

spenny You have a similar tx history to me. It's devastasting. How much more can we take. good luck in your continued journey x

SUSZY What a weekend. I hate the dentist so i have great sympathy for you. Take care x

Luisa hope you're ok. x

I know i've missed loads of you but i send you love and hugs   

kittyx


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies  Just a quickie from me as off to accupuncture! Am officially PUPO! one snow baby on board. Other blast didnt survive thaw
              but hopefully this one is snuggling in nicely x

Thinking of you Pand x


----------



## Pand

Just a quickie from me tonight too!

Lyndalou - Congrats on your frostie hun!!! Now begins the madness!!! I really hope and   you get the positive result you so deserve.

Suzy - I love your posts, always have, always will. Great to see you're back on form and sorry to hear you had such a rubbish time of it last week!!  Keep up that positive attitude tho... you're doing so well.

As for me... slowly going  !!!  Nothing new there then!

Love Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Kitty  So Sorry about your bfn hon. Life is so unfair! look after yourself x

Having a really bad day today. Have had pain in lower left back and side for a couple of weeks now but just put it down to tx/drugs.
Have woken up this morning with a spot like rash in the same area. Am taking steriods with this cycle which i know lowers your immune
system. A friend has called around who is a nurse and she thinks it might be shingles! Cant get app with gp untill tommorow. so worried! Will this effect my chance of getting a bfp and if I do could there be something wrong with the baby as a result? Have spoken to a doctor from the Lister and he needs it to be diagnosed before deciding what to do but he said it sounds like shingles and if I had chicken pox as a child the shingles can come out as a result of taking steriods. Why dont they tell you this before? really stressed and woried now when i am supposed to be relaxed and calm ****!


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou - didn't want to read and run. Congrats on being pupo, snuggle in tight little snowbaby.  But sorry you're feeling ill.  I hope they can sort you out and that it isn't shingles.  


Hi to everyone else too.

Kitty - so sorry for you bfn  
Pand - glad to read you're making the most of relaxing and from not being at work!!! 
Suszy - good to hear from you, sorry about dentist, sounds  

Spenny - well done for posting, it took me ages to pluck up courage too! I'm afraid I can't shed any light on your bfns. It's so frustrating being unexplained. I'm kind of unexplained too although consultant did find mild endo at my lap this summer, so not sure whether that explains anything or not!!!
Jobo - hope DS operation goes ok, it must be very worrying for you. Thinking of you.

Must go and do some ironing, make tea etc etc!!!

Faithful x


----------



## kittyx

lyndalou  hope you're ok. As if the whole tx isn't enough with out extra stress.   

I'm feeling sad this eve. I can't think of anything except babies babies babies!
I wish i had a crystal ball and know my future then i could get on with my life instead of this stupid act i do all day pretending i'm ok. Still i guess we'd all like to know our future. Sorry for moaning. Think 'd better have some more choc!

Love and hugs to all


----------



## missyb

hi ladies just a quickie from me!

hope you are all having a lovely weekend.

there is so much to catch up with on here that i dont know where to start! 

just wanted to send lots of      to all that need it and     to those that need it too.



amanda xx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Will catch up on personals another time if that's ok.  Am feeling very  .  Have had sore boobs all of last week, just the same as my last cycle, and just the same as my last cycle, as I approach 7/8 days past transfer the boobs are wearing off and I'm getting AF cramps.  It's following exactly the same pattern.  That combined with a change in dc (sorry if tmi) all hopes for this cycle (what little there was of them) are gone.  I know it's going to be a negative on Thursday.  I hate knowing my body so well.  Am feeling very down.  This is the end of the road for us.  We wouldn't have been able to afford this cycle if MIL and FIL hadn't lent us the money.  Before we started tx we agreed that 3 years of hell was enough and given what's happened with this cycle and how few fertilised embies we got and the fact that even half decent ones won't stick, we've decided it's pointless carrying on naturally.  So that's that really.  I feel like Thursday is just a formality now.  Trying hard to get my head around it all, just feeling exceptionally sorry for myself.  How to go from feeling so excited two weeks ago (getting 16 follies) to feeling so low in such a short space of time.  

That's all for now.  Lyndalou - hope you're faring better than me and that those nasty shingles have calmed down.

Pand


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Pand -      really hoping for a miracle for you, but I know what it's like when you know your own body. Just wait and see what Thursday brings anyway.

Faithful x


----------



## lainey-lou

Pand hun - you really can't let all the twinges and symptoms (or lack of them) worry you like this.  Some people have no symptoms atall and go on to get a BFP.  On my second IVF I only had one embie and felt like I had PMT a week after ET.  I posted a really miserable message saying I thought it was all over, only to get a BFP the following week  

It aint over until the fat lady sings you know so don't give up hope.

Lyndalou - I hope you got some reassurance from the doctor.  I would be surprised if shingles would cause a problem while you are PUPO.  The baby wouldn't be drawing anything from you at the moment, it is only when you are a couple of weeks pg that the placenta forms and the baby starts taking your nutrients/blood.  I could be wrong but that sounds logical to me.  Hope I am right.  

Jobo - I hope your DS is on the mend.  He is so lovely and it must be awful to see him go through an op.  My DD nearly had to have her tonsils out a few months ago and I was absolutely terrified.  I hope he is ok.  

Kitty - so sorry lovey.  It sucks all of this.  Wish I could take your pain away.  

Spenny - welcome.  

Missy - hi love.  How are you?

Hi to everyone else.

I had my mobile nicked on Thursday.  I went into London for a meet with the poor responder girls, which was lovely but some swine took my iphone out of my handbag on the bus.  It was my own fault - I was rather plastered  

I have a new phone now and I am in the process of downloading all my numbers but if I had your number please could you text me so that I can make sure I have the right number for you.  I don't think I had saved some of my numbers so I may have a few missing.

Ta

Lainey x


----------



## ramblingrose

Hi everyone. Thought I had better pop in quickly and just say I haven't forgotten about you all. It's just a busy and trying time right now and I'm not online that often at the moment. Things are very weird for me at home right now and I've also been ill this week so any energy that I have had has been used to drag myself through the day. Thankfully my hours at my new job drop down this coming week so I'm hoping I will start feeling a bit more on top of things. It's been a long few weeks. Still not sure if I'm going to stay there or not, but going to take it a day at a time. That's the best way sometimes, isn't it?

Just wanted to say good luck to those waiting, and hope those feeling low can pull through it. 

xx


----------



## sarylou

just wanted to offer all those in need a       

Pand I truely hope there will be a bfp for you at the end of this agonising wait.


----------



## SUSZY

HI Girls   
Sorry I have been awol for so long but looks like things have gone very quiet on here.

Lyndalou     sorry to hear about shingles and hope you get better soon and good luck for testing tomorrow     

pand    good luck for tomorrow as well sweetheart, I know you are not very positive but you never know.  We are here to catch you when you need us.

jo83    you have gone quiet but i do understand bet you still cannot believe it

jobo  - thinking of you and ds and hope things are improving for him, we miss you on here honey please come back

rambling   sorry to hear that you have been ill and hope that you improve soon and sorry things weird at home and hope they improve soon dont forget we are here for you

dusty   thanks for lovely message on ** and sorry its taken me so long to reply not been on pc much

jane   hope you are ok and keeping busy at work etc and all christmas stuff look forward to meeting up again soon.

ffh   lovely to hear from you and glad you are ok

spenny   do come back and post again

saraylou   hope you are ok and the counselling

lainey   think you texted me and number ok, sorry to hear about your phone being pinchd   but glad you got a new one and all your  numbers etc.  hope you had a good time meeting up with everyone and we really need to meet up again soon

cinders   you are and ok and enjoying your bump honey

kitty   hope you are ok honey

missby    thinking of you and wishing you well

louisa   and lady hex   hope you are ok

emma  and emsy   hope you are ok

rlh   hope you are ok

emmypops  hope you are ok too

gab   (think you have gone to oz) honeyprincess   tuck  not sure if you still read this thread sending you love

well last Fri was not as bad as I imagined although was up for hours in pain over night on the Thrs night before but think this fri going to be pretty bad as having a crown fitted - this has really made me start to feel old but I think I have been eating less too which is good! Met other people there who were very nervous and was giving everyone sprays of my rescue remedy and also had my enigma on.
life seems to be busy right now and I dont come on here as much but it does not mean i dont think about you and miss you all  but it seems quite quiet in general.  I have mixed feeling re Ff - it has been so good to me and I have met many lovely friends but its also a reminder of a lot of pain, I seem to be processing stuff from two years ago and told the friend who I felt let me down badly on sat night at the ball how  hurt and a lone I had felt back then.  I cried and I also cried when I recounted the telling to another friend so I think there is still a lot of hurt and rawness there, I think its connected to the real low point when I had my tooth ripped out Feb 07 (so ds started school sep 06, failed IUI NOv 06, told need donor eggs end Nov and just went down and dwon and down- I think it must be good stuff to be processing but not necessairly too enjoyable if you know what I mean.  I also got a pm from Ang when she had bumped into another FF at a conference in London and was upset at something that had supposedly been said but it came over very wrong so I do think its easily done.  I have sent a long message to Ang explaining stuff but have not heard back from her so not sure what going on there.  Its just quite sad as this was such a loving safe place to unload and now it seems we have all got extra senstive me included!  I personally dont have the energy or time to pm and text everyone indiv and this was always a great way of reaching you all.
Anyway here for you all.

Nearly done all my cards just have pressies to sort - have most of them but need to sort if you know what I mean.
Still so happy with lola although she can be a hand full at times and make a mess and ds and her wind each other up but she makes us all so happy and ds loves her so much.  i wish we had done it before but then again think this was the right time and the right dog.

I will still be posting but not as much and wondered whether people could pm me their email addresses as dont get on ** that much as still find it a bit weird if you know what I mean.

Not sure about your kids but ds is so tired at mo and only 9 days to go til we break up which I am looking forward to.
Travelling to Devon on 21st for my step grandmothers 90th (after a week of nights out) and return xmas Eve so hope the traffic is not too bad!  Then we have a few days at my mums with various people including my cousin, dhs mother and step fathers sister so quite a combination really but should be fun and looking forward to walking the doggy.  No doubt that will be more stuff for me to process as its where I used to walk my other doggy and also can see in the distant hills where I used to live with a previous boyfriend and where my other dog lived for a long time.  Trouble is with me I so easily slip into the past and need to focus on the future.
I went to a course last night ran by the life coaching lady and that was really good and all about being positive.
Her latest thing it so do a vision board - cut photos out of mags of what you want to achieve next year so might be doing that.
I have such mixed feelings I am so happy now having moved on and yet this time last year was preg and looking forward to this christmas with a sibling for ds its just such mixed emotions but its only now I am realising how bad I was.
Anyway as ever I am rabbiting on and hope you have made sense of all that.

Goodl uck pand and lyndalou tomorrow and to everyone else. 

Here are some decs for you


----------



## Jo1983

Hi ladies, I am still here, been reading your posts and will be back to post properly soon I promise.

Pand, I know you're not feeling very positive hun, but you never know what tomo will bring. Praying so hard for you hun    

Lyndalou, Good luck to you hun, how are you?    

Everyone else, I will be back to do personals over the weekend but I'm sending lots of love and   to you all.

I have my 1st scan on Fri afternoon and am sooooo bloody scared, I've just been trying to keep myself occupied and stay away from ff so I can't read the posts re 6 week scans and drive myself more insane. Promise I will post over the weekend.

Jo xxx


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Sorry not posted have been quite ill with Shingles! Bloody awfull sooo painfull! Have been in bed since Thurs. Only good thing is
it has made the 2ww go really quickly Test Date Tommorow!
Kind of gave up hope when ill! Why would embie want to stick around when enviroment was crap and also worried about the
effects of drugs I had to take for shingles but still praying for a miracle!

Pand  Everything crossed for you x

Jo  All the luck in the world for Fri hon. Will be thinking of you x

To everyone not mentioned Much Love  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Just popping in......

Pand/Lyndalou                     for tomorrow.  Really hope you get the news you deserve.

Jo1983 -        for Friday.  I hope the scan goes well.

L x


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## lyndalou

BFN for me! Why would embie want to stay in this Shingled body anyway! feeling so numb. No tears yet which is unusual for me but am sure flood gates will open soon x


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## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou and Pand - Big     I'm so sorry it didn't work for you this time.


Faithful x


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## lainey-lou

Pand  

Lyndalou - I am so sorry lovie.  This all sucks.  We do seem to have quite a low IVF success rate on this board.  Wonder why?  Not fair.  Thinking of you at this difficult time and sending you  

Love to everyone else.

Lainey x

Ps - ooh, nearly forgot, Jo1983 - good luck tomorrow


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## cinders35

Pand, so so sorry hun  

Lyndalou, so so sorry  . I hope you feel better from the shingles soon.

It's pants girls, utter pants  

Still lurking and reading my lovies.
 to all who need it.
Love

Cindersxxx


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## kittyx

pand and lyndalou     

Kittyx


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## Jo1983

Pand and Lyndalou

I'm so so sorry for you both  
Please try and stay strong and I'm here if either of you need me.

Look after yourselves  

Love Jo xxx


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## Pand

Hi everyone,

First of all, Lyndalou, I'm so very sorry you got a BFN hun.  I know you must be feeling utterly rubbish at the moment.  It's just so unfair.  I'm here if you need to chat.

As some of you have seen from my diary we got a BFN yesterday too.  No great shock really as I knew on Sunday it hadn't worked.  I guess that's the trouble when you've been ttc for three years, you know your own body far too well.  As I've said before, this was our last ditch effort for number 2.  We decided before the tx that we would give up completely whatever the outcome but the way I responded to this treatment and the fact that we only got 2 "viable" embryos from 16 follicles has made it patently obvious my body does not want to get pregnant.  Added to that the fact that I only have one tube and that is pretty useless we have realised that we will probably never get pregnant naturally.  So its time for us to move on.  It's totally breaking my heart that I will never have any more children, and this is opening up a lot of old wounds, but I feel suprisingly ok.  I have the occasional blart but for the most part I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have no idea what 2009 holds for us as a family and I hope to God that with ttc out of the picture we may be able to find some peace and contentment.  I have agreed to start running in the New Year with a view to doing the Race for Life.  I lost an aunty many years ago to breast cancer and I've always wanted to do something for cancer sufferers.  Then I met a girl on here who has had to cancel her tx because her dh has terminal cancer and she is being so flipping brave that sealed it for me.  The running will hopefully give me a means to cope with my heartache, and will hopefully help me to lose some weight into the bargain.  So next year is all about loving what I already have and thinking about other people who are much worse off than me.  It seems so strange that my journey is over.  Life just never turns out how you expect it does it?

I just want to say thank you to all of you who have sent messages, text messages etc and been so supportive over the past couple of years, and in particular through this tx.  I said to Missyb recently that it takes immense courage on our parts to face the world and cope with this horrendous experience because it is a very lonely journey and no one can do it for you or make it any easier.  So you should all be very proud of yourselves... I am.  I will be staying in touch but may not be on as much as I have been because i need to try and distance myself now.  I wish you all the very best on your journeys and will pop on to see how you are all doing.  Jo, please let us know how your scan goes.  I'm very nervous for you.

Take care everyone.

Love Pand


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## Jo1983

Pand, what a truly heartfelt post that was, you are such a brave lady and I truly hope that you can find peace and happiness in whatever your future holds for you and your family. Look forward to seeing some pictures of you doing race for life and having a fantastic holiday in Disneyland with your ds. You take care of yourself and don't be a stranger.

LyndaLou, thinking of you hun  

Love and luck to everyone else   

My scan went really well today, one beautiful heartbeat exactly where it should be. I have another scan on the 29th, I really don't think I will believe this is true or relax until next August  

Thank You to everyone who has supported me and thought about me, it means the world ladies, especially when so many of you are having terrible times at the minute. Thank You!!!
I will continue to pop in and post occasionally, but I wish each of you every ounce of luck that there is  

Love to all
Jo xxx


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## kittyx

jo  glad all went well with scan. Look after yourself x

Pand I agree with jo, a very heartfelt message. I understand where you're coming from. I feel i can't move on with my life until i know one way or another whether i will have another baby. Good luck with everything you do. I did the race for life this year ( altho it wasmore of a walk than a run ) but it was quite a moving experience. Take care of yourself and your family   

Love to everyone else. have a nice weekend x


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## jobo5572

Hello ladies.

This is the first chance in 2 weeks that I've had chance to catch up on here and there's so much that's happened so apologies for lack of personals to everyone, but I have a few I have to mention:

Lyndalou - I am so sorry to hear about your BFN and that you are feeling so crap with the shingles  .  You have had a dreadful year hun with all this SIF stuff and your mc earlier in the year, and I really hope that 2009 is a brighter year for you  

Pand - I am so so sorry to hear your news too  .  I am devastated for you.  I know it was a tough decision for you to make to go for this 2nd tx and I am truly gutted that it didn't work out for you & DH.  Your post was very moving, and I wish you, DH & DS all the very best  

kittyx - sorry to hear about your BFN too  .  I know what you mean about not knowing how to move on when you still don't know whether or not you'll have another baby.  How did your follow up appointment go on the 10th ?  Hope you're OK  

Suszy - thanks for your texts hun  .  They've really helped over the past couple of fraught weeks with DS.  He's finally on the mend now, bless him.  Sorry about your horrendous dentist trips - I'm at mine on tuesday for a cracked tooth.  Joy.

ramblingrose - hope you and DS are OK hun  

Jo1983 - hey snotty  .  So glad your scan went OK.  Has it sunk in yet ?

Thanks to all of you that have texted me/mentioned DS in your posts over the past 2 weeks.  It's been a tough couple of weeks but I think (fingers crossed) that we are finally on the mend now.  We had what I'm hoping was our last trip to the hospital today until his review appointment in January.  Spent 4 days in hospital with DS after his op which was fairly hard going, but he was a very brave little chap and did ever so well.  The worst bit was definitely when they put him under anaesthetic and I had to leave him.  Luckily a lovely nurse picked me up off the floor, sobbing my heart out.  It was also fairly horrendous at night times when the only way they could calm DS's pain was by giving him morphine - his pain was dreadful to watch as there was nothing I could do.  Anyway, have spent the days since at home caring for what has felt like a 3 stone baby as I've been doing everything for him and carrying him a lot.  I even hired a wheelchair so that I could get him out of the house for some fresh air and little trips out - partially for my sanity too as the 4 walls were closing in on me, especially in the hospital.  Went back last Sunday for catheter removal which seemed to go well at the time, but to cut a long story short, I ended up rushing him back into hospital (a 45 minute drive away where my driving was very erratic as DS was screaming in agony in the back of the car) on the Monday where he had to have another operation and have another catheter put back in.  Poor little mite, honestly.  I wheeled him into school on Wednesday for the Reception Nativity as I didn't want him to miss out - all his friends were just staring at him in the wheelchair - I don't think they knew what to make of him !  The past week he's been feeling lots better and I can definitely see an improvement, and today the 2 of us spent another day in hospital having the catheter removed and waiting for the compulsory 3 wees before he could be discharged !  Fingers crossed all goes OK this time.  DS has been sleeping in my room at night as he's needed medication at night and assistance with moving etc., so I'm very bleary eyed, but I have to say, it's actually been lovely having him beside me and I've thoroughly appreciated spending so much time with him over the past couple of weeks.  It has really made me think about what I have got as opposed to what I haven't, which has been good for me.  Anyway, sorry to go on - just wanted to update those of you who've been asking after him - thank you again


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## kittyx

hi 

jobo5572 glad your ds is ok. It must have been so hard for you. I hope christmas is good for you and a happier new year.

Thanks for asking about my follow up. IT was postponed until this wed! I was going to cancel it but decided to go, see what they say, and then start a new year fresh with any decisions.

Well i'm full of coldand v busy at work, but really looking forward to christmas.

Hope you are all ok. Love and hugs to all  kittyx


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## emilycaitlin

New home this way....... http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=169490.0


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