# Baby Shower



## MargotW (Jan 26, 2016)

My sister is close friends with A. I am closer to A's sister B and in fact godmother to B's daughter. 
A is also living with one of my friends who I used to be close to but don't see so much now he is with A (as happens). 

We had our first round of IVF in February last year and around the same time she started trying for a baby. She asked me for advice, moaning that she might be too old, she didn't know if she was ovulating, she thought her periods were too light etc etc I suggested that if she was really worried she could always pay for the initial tests. She dismissed it as being too expensive. She dismissed taking q10 as too expensive too. In fact anything I suggested she dismissed. This is despite having plenty of money. As always seems to be the case on this forum, she got pregnant quite quickly but she then miscarried which I wouldn't wish on anyone. She then cornered me one evening and leant on me for support again. I have managed to avoid that situation again. 
She's now pregnant again with baby due in October. B is organising a baby shower at her house. We are invited. I've only seen A once since she announced her pregnancy and managed to avoid talking to her. I saw her a couple of times before she made her announcement, she had alcohol and caffeine and told my sister that she thought I had worked out she was pregnant! WTF? I was actually pregnant at this stage and didn't touch alcohol or caffeine, specifically declining both in front of her. She told my sister that she had assumed treatment hadn't worked as I hadn't made an announcement to her. I subsequently miscarried just around the time that she started telling everyone. My sister has since told me that the couple don't even have sex, they used a syringe- I know WTF again? My friend had complained to me a while ago they didn't have sex.

We've had another round of IVF- our 5th and now moving on to donor sperm. Something my husband and I are finding quite hard.

I have been invited to the baby shower. Whilst I like B, and my original friend, I am finding the idea of having to be all happy for A too hard. A will be gushing and wanting to be the centre of attention (I appreciate it is her baby shower) Has anyone else been in a similar situation and did they go to the baby shower or avoid it? 

I haven't told B I have been so annoyed at A or indeed that we had a miscarriage. I am pretty certain she guessed when I was pregnant though. She said she wouldn't ask but would leave me tell her. B always offered me decaf drinks, she told her little one off for bouncing on my tummy etc and B has generally been very sensitive. I have told B we have been finding things really hard. My husband says that I am close to B and he knows how much I love spending time with my goddaughter but I risk alienating myself if I carry on avoiding A. Most of the time I see B it is without A in any event.

Sorry for long lost.


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## Taz29duffy (Feb 11, 2016)

This is a horrible place to be and I know how you feel. I avoid baby showers like the plaque and didn't go to my sister in laws and that has caused frosty relationships, but I don't care. I struggle every single day with infertility. The only way I survive is to distance myself from those with babies/ child related events. I've had 4 failed rounds in the last year and not even a whiff of a positive test.  I am surviving the only way I can and that is different for everyone. Do what is right for you and protect yourself x


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Don't go. Why do something that will only upset you? It doesn't sound like she's a good enough friend to put yourself through that. I hate baby showers. I went to one when we had a 2 year break from treatment. I was in quite a good place at the time. The baby shower tipped me over the edge and made me really upset and low. I've never been to any since. I didn't go to my best friends baby shower and said I couldn't cope with it. All this is hard enough, do what's right for you and sod everyone else!.
X


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

A very hard situation, I miscarried earlier this year and have a friend who is due the same time I would have been it's tough! I think you must go with your gut feeling. I would like to offer another perspective that even though it is hard to go to these events, it's also a horrid feeling knowing you're alienating yourself from others. I've def been there. A lot of ladies on other support groups complain they are low because of a lack of friends etc due to this. I'm not saying go for this reason but just consider how you want to go forward with this friendship. I'm sure know one would judge if you didn't go xx


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## leprechaun (Dec 23, 2014)

Don't go. If it has the potential to make you really miserable then don't put yourself through that. You are close to B so could you tell her about your miscarriage? I'm sure she would certainly understand your reasoning for not going and you can avoid any future events involving A and her baby. Maybe your not ready to tell your friend but as you said you were worried about alienating yourself from her and your godchild so if you explain to her what you've been through, especially around the time her sister became pregnant will avoid this happening as no doubt she'll be incredibly sympathetic as she's been very supportive so far.

I can understand how you feel, I'm sure the majority of us on here can. One of my best friends ( the last in our friendship circle to not have any children) did ivf around the same time as me but didn't tell anyone. I had a missed miscarriage that was dragged on for weeks and was a really difficult time for me. 2 weeks after my d&c she rang me to tell me she was pregnant. I was completely floored. Her whole pregnancy was difficult for me. I did meet her a few times and found it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, the thought of it was much worse and I actually enjoyed spending time with her. Now her daughter is 7 months and I still find it really difficult. Our friendship group (bar one) are totally unsympathetic, I paint on a smile so none of them know I'm bothered and I never complain about my infertility to them as I just don't like talking about it so I suppose I can't really blame them in a way. But now an event is coming up and my friend wasn't going to come as her daughter is teething, it's awful to say but I was glad in a way but now my other friend has told her to bring her daughter along  and now I feel like bailing on the whole event but it'll likely look too suspect so I'll have to grit my teeth and go. If I felt it would really upset me I wouldn't go no matter how it looked but I'm just worried it will be all baby talk and I'll feel really uncomfortable. 

Sorry, for turning your post into something all about me! I just meant to tell you I totally sympathise and I think all of us who are going through infertility can. Some people can be so unsympathetic, and this is something that affects us every single day and until we hold our own children in our arms it will never go away. Make the right choice for you and don't worry about anyone else x


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## Tonyflower (Aug 2, 2017)

I didn't use to go when I was coping with infertility. I remember I used to accept and woke up the morning feeling terrible and then just crying so much in the morning that I used to get to the point that it wasn't even a choice anymore as I was so red from crying that I couldn't really go out from the house.
I advice you not to go!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I hate these damn baby showers.  I would refuse to go on the basis, that I don't believe in them.  Expecting people to pay out money on presents before a baby is born is outrageous to me!

You hardly see her, so don't worry about it.

X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Totally agree. I cannot stand baby showers, never participated in one and intend to keep it that why, not matter what my circumstances. 
Have no clue where they came from, don't remember people having them 10 years ago? 
Maybe its an American thing. Either way it's a bandwagon people seem to have jumped on. 
Not classy.


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## MargotW (Jan 26, 2016)

Thank you everyone. I am pretty certain that  I am going to make my excuses, Team Monkey does have a valid point about how I'll move forward on the friendship, I've managed to avoid her quite well for a while but at some stage I'll have to see her. 
Team Monkey and Leprechaun sorry about your miscarriages.
Leprechaun - we do sound quite similar, I had a delayed miscarriage that dragged in for weeks and ended up with ERPC. I hope that your event is bearable and that you manage to get some space.
Mrs C- sorry you were tipped.
Tony flower- you poor thing
Staceysm  and KJade yes I agree about baby showers and the worst is when they then dictate what you should and shouldn't buy. 
Xx


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## Opossum (Oct 8, 2015)

wow... I use a lot of american forums like Babycenter aswell as here so Im use to posts about baby showers and dont think twice but then realised this is the UK forum and I agree with above ive never heard of one here and wouldnt go and its not even acceptable behavior in our culture

Its firstly rude to host a gift mandatory party ever... possibly the most unbritish thing to do is demand presents lol

and secondly it defets the point, when people bring gifts after birth its a gift for the baby (usually a blanket, book, teddy, toy, outfit) and they bring it to meet/welcome the new person - its completely non mandatory and if the baby isnt born yet then theres no reason for it, just greedy parents who want other people to buy them the nessecities they are responsible for buying

I say dont go, you dont have to explain anything... I dont even know any non-infertile people that would think this is appropriate


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