# JoJo's Diary



## JoJoSa3

I wanted to keep a diary as it helped so much when I was having tx.

The Journey So Far...
Me and DH have been together for 14 years and always thought that we would have a family.  We started ttc seven years ago, and then then the 'usual' story of trips to the GP, tests and stuff then fertility treatment.  We had one IUI, where we discovered that DH's sperm morphology was'nt up to scratch and were told that ICSI was the only option for us.  We had 2 cycles in 2007 but I didn't respond well to the drugs, and we didn't get many embies.  After the second cycle it completely broke my heart ,and I just could not face any more treatment.  I was in and out of hospital for 6 months with agonising ruptured cysts on my ovaries because I'd had such high doses of the stimulation drugs.  We drew a line under fertility treatment, and moved on to adoption.  It certainly wasn't a last resort, we had always planned to complete our family by adopting even if we had managed to have our own biological child through tx.

We applied to adopt in April 08 and went on our prep course late last year.  I think the prep course was more of a shock to DH than me, as I'd read around the subject but he went in "virgin"   and got quite a few ideas ripped away!  I had a few panicky moments with him, as I'd wondered whether it might just send him running for the hills but he was fab, and came out of it enthusiastic about the prospect of adopting. 

The home study has been quick, 3 months, but if you include the prep then it's 6 months in total.  The home study has been challenging but in a positive way, it's made us realise what makes us strong as a couple and I even cried a couple of times 'cos DH said some lovely things that I had no idea were in there, he's a 'man of few words' normally!  We have been totally open with our friends and family about what is going on, and we have had so much support that I feel really lucky.

We are now hoping to go to panel soon  .  We have to read our report and then have one more meeting to finalise it and then all systems go.  It doesn't feel 'real', it's hard to explain what I mean, but I've wanted to be a Mum for so long and the fertility treatment road is so hard when it doesn't work that I think I built up defences against my dreams.  At the moment I find it so hard to really picture finally being a Mummy, it has been at arms reach for so long.  I won't even decorate the spare room until we are approved as I feel that even that is tempting fate!

So... I hope that this really is where we finally get to move forward and be a Mummy and Daddy!  

JJ


----------



## Carol 36

Hi Jo

Welcome on board, really pleased to here how well your adoption journey is going.

Look forward to reading your updates and news of a panel date soon.

  in the lead up to gettting a panel date.

 
Carol
xx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Hi Carol,
Thanks so much for your message - I've been reading your diary, have you had any update on your progress?

I had a call from our SW, and apparently our report is being sent out to us to read and she's coming to visit early next week to finalise everything.  We should go to panel late this month! Yikes.  There was an odd comment though, apparently the manager of the adoption team wants to know exactly how much time we have spent with children as she said it wasn't clear.  We had talked a lot to our SW about the amount of time we have spent with our neices and my sisters step children, and we regularly go on holiday with our friends and their children (our godchildren).  We've never had children to stay over with us, and this was mentioned too.  I'm now having a bit of a panic   incase this is now going to be a problem, worried they might say we don't have enough experience with kids, but I just don't see how much more 'experience' we could have without making false attempts to look like we are spending time with kids we know which strikes me as a bit creepy.  

I suppose we'll find out next week, seriously hoping that this isn't going to be some last minute show stopper.


----------



## Carol 36

Hiya

I know what you mean about the whole children experience thing we are trying to get some more experience at the moment. We have nieces/nephews/godchildren and spend time with them, but there is only sooo much you can do. Plus most people who become parents/stepparents have no experience!!! 

I cannot wait to get to your stage and dreams of becoming parents are getting closer, you must be excited nervous. Surely you would not be coming up to panel if they had any doubts about anything. Obviously they are just there observations and as you say if they question you, you have plenty of example of spending time with children.

 for you.

I telephoned our sw last Monday not reply back as yet, am going to chase again this week
xx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Progress update - 8 April

Panic OVER! Phew. We've had our final meeting before panel to go over our report and all is fine. Apparently there just needed to be more specific details about what experience/time we have had with the kids we know. The report was amazing, I don't know how the SW manages to remember so much and in such detail . The report was so accurate, it was quite weird reading about ourselves from the persective of the SW, but she'd definately got the measure of us!! They do such an amazing job, I'm sure I wouldn't retain that much information especially after talking/being talked at for 3 and a half hours at a time.

Soooo, full steam ahead for the panel  . I am so excited and terrified at the same time. I've spoken to a couple of really good friends about the fact that both DH and I are feeling really nervous about being parents now that it's potentially actually _finally_ going to happen. Each of them has pointed out that this is exactly how they felt when they were expecting their birth children - that mix of knowing you want it to happen but being worried about what your child will be like, will I be able to cope with everything, will I be good enough, what if I make mistakes?

Our SW 'casually' mentioned some children who were coming up for adoption soon, possibly at the same time we go to panel. I don't know if she was just testing the water, but she mentioned one child in particular and I just felt this huge wave of eagerness and excitement. I know that this is early days, and this is definitely not a 'match' but my reaction just made me realise how much I really just want this to happen now. It hit me really vividly, and I could suddenly really imagine that our child is out there, waiting for us. OhMyGod, I can't wait....

JJ


----------



## JoJoSa3

OhmyGod.OhmyGod.........

I _know_ I really shouldn't get excited, but I've just heard from our SW who wanted to know how we wanted to be kept informed about any potential matches! And she said she was sending our details to a childs sw this week! It's very preliminary stages apparently but the childs sw wanted us to know that she was looking at our details!   

I have no idea, being copmpletely green about all this, whether that can happen before we've been to panel. It all seems to be happening so fast, I can't think straight, and even had a bit of a welling up in the tear department. DH is outside bashing nails into new fence panels so I haven't even told him yet! Need to calm down. I know this is really early on, and I'm probably getting all worked up over absolutely nothing. But I can't help wondering whether something is starting to go right for us after all the heartache and disappointments of the last few years.

Other than that, we had a great weekend over Easter. Saw my beautiful goddaughter, who makes me laugh so much. And we have been doing some DIY, the only thing I won't do is decorate the room intended for our child, just because I'm being a bit superstitious.

Hope anyone reading this had a great Easter too, will post when I hear any news.

JJ


----------



## Carol 36

Wow JJ don't know how you are containing yourself what fabulous news, I know it is early days but it is still very very exciting.

I even got a tear reading your post as it just makes me ever hopeful things do work out. Loads of   energy til you hear your news.

Look 4ward to hearing you news as it happens

Big     xx


----------



## mavis

JJ,

What lovely news for you both.

Hope all goes well for you.

mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Thanks Mavis and Carol! 

Had quite a hectic weekend, and a hectic week at work and have had problems with my laptop so haven't been able to come back on until now. Being busy is quite a good thing as our panel is tomorrow!  

Luckily, with being so busy and my DH being away on a business trip until yesterday, we haven't had much time to get really panicky about the panel. And dare I say it, we are actually quite looking forward to it (well, I am anyway DH is being his usual cool calm self!).
It just seems that after waiting soooooo long this will finally be the day that we will know if we are definately going to be parents, and I just want to get into that panel and show them how much we want this and that we will be such dedicated and loving parents, they'd be _mad_ not to approve us   - obviously I won't say that!!!!

I'm actually really excited, even though we haven't heard back from our SW about the childs SW she was meeting last week. I'm hoping she's saving something as a surprise tomorrow! Seriously though, even if nothing comes of that, I don't mind as long as we get approved and we know it will happen at some stage. I've bought our SW a little thank you pressie, just to let her know how much we appreciate the gentle way she has guided us through all the home study.

I did have a bit of cry today, when one of my work friends came to wish me luck for tomorrow, and she said "Just think, your child could be out there right now, just waiting for you to come into their lives and love them"....  Oh dear me, that had us both getting over emotional!! I keep thinking about who they are, where they might be right now, are they safe and what they are going to be like.

I just can't wait.....

Will post with the panel decision tomorrow, assuming I'm sober enough 

JJ


----------



## mavis

Hi JoJoSa,

*Good Luck* for tomorrow.

I am sure it will all go well.

Lots of love and positive thoughts for you both for tomorrow.

mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Thanks Mavis!

We got our recommendation!  Yaaaay!!!  We have to wait until next week for the deciding officers decision, but the panel recommended us!  And our SW said that they had no concerns about their decision so it should be straightforward!    

We waited ages and ages, and when we finally went in it was a little daunting to be faced with all those people but they were lovely and made us feel comfortable.  We were asked some excellent questions, and our SW was pleased with how we dealt with them.  I don't know who was more pleased when the panel chair came to tell us their recommendation, us or our SW!!!

As it had got so late we headed straight off to the pub and had lunch and a celebratory drink while we called our family and friends.

I'm just soooo relieved and happy  .  I just hope we don't wait too long for our match...

Need some sleep now!

JJ


----------



## mavis

Hi JJ,

That is superb news. Glad it went so well for you both.

*CONGRATULATIONS*, Yipee 

Well done you guys.

mavis x


----------



## Cotswold Girl

Just wanted to say congratulations and I hope your wait for your little one(s) is a short one 

CG xxxxx


----------



## Carol 36

Ahhh Jojo sorry a bit belated but many congrats on your fantastic news
xx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Ho Hum. Bored of waiting already  

We got the decision from the 'Decision Maker' (I can't help but wonder who that is??) and it's all official! It's so fabulous to finally know that we are approved and officially waiting. I think the downside is that all the activity of the home study, and preparing for the panel gives you something to concentrate on and now..... nothing. Hmmm, I know that the SW has said that they are always looking for a match and things may go quiet but that doesn't mean nothing is happening, _But_ having to just wait is very twitchy 
Our SW told us that the SW she had seen with our details about a one year old had decided to place with a couple who had been approved already. Oh well, I'm sure we'll be hearing something soon, hopefully.  

Mind you, I think that the time can usefully be occupied with getting the house ready. We can decorate the bedroom and start doing all the little jobs that need doing. I've even been having a look at cot beds! 

I am panicking about work though. My job just seems to have got busier and busier and I'm worried about who's going to look after my work when I'm off. If thing happen fairly quickly on the matching front, then I'm terrified I won't get it all sorted before I go on adoption leave. But hey, by then I probably won't give a rats ass!!!  

Right, I'm off to peel some wallpaper!
JJ


----------



## mavis

Hi JJ,

Just wanted to give you a BIG HUG.

Great that it is official! official! : )

I cant waiit to start looking at bits, enjoy decorating : )

I tend to agree with you on the job front _(but I am sure that is not the right attitude! - naughty mavis)_ Maybe you can start on how things will work when you are not there and making it easier for whoever takes over your role!

Got it all crossed for you,

love,

mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Am being a bit naughty and doing this at lunchtime in work, but I just had to write this down!  

I got back to my desk this morning after a meeting to find several missed calls from our SW on my mobile and one from DH.  I called her back, hardly daring to hope she was contacting us with a child’s details, but that’s exactly what she was calling for!!!!  I think I might burst something, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I know I shouldn’t get excited, but I can’t help it…

I don’t want to say too much, but we have been potentially matched with a baby girl, and we’ve been given some brief details about her and her family.  Our SW is coming to see us with the full details next week, and her SW is coming to see us the week after.  Apparently the SW is seeing one other potential family too.  I thought that our LA didn’t do ‘competitive matching’ but this sounds like it, unless I’ve completely misunderstood the process.  However, from the details we’ve got, I’m already starting to really want her for our own.  She even has the name I had always wanted if I had a daughter. The info we have just seems to be a really good match and I am really trying to be realistic and tell myself to wait for the full details but…but…but…. I can’t stop thinking about her.  Even my DH, as I’ve said before he’s normally a man of few words, was excited and has already planned the entire Bank Holiday weekend for decorating before the SW comes round.

I’ve got so much going on in my head, I had to lock myself in the loo and cry!
It would just be too good to be true to find our child so quickly, and whilst I’m excited I’m also trying to get real and prepare myself for the things that could go wrong.  What if we see the details and decide that this isn’t the right match for us, or we decide that it is, set our hearts on her, and then find that her SW doesn’t like us??  Aaaaaarrgghhhh!  

How does anyone cope with this?  I thought the 2 week wait after ICSI was bad, but this is just as frustrating!!  I want all the details now!  I want to see her SW now!  Ohmygosh, I so admire anyone who’s waited for ages, it must take the patience of a saint.

It’s a good job DH has a jam packed weekend planned or I think I would climb the walls!!!!

JJ


----------



## mavis

OMG JoJo, sounds brilliant.

I know what you mean, I think it is self preservation that you consider everything and the worst.

It is great news that you have a match so soon, so pleased for you.

bring on next week : )

Good Luck,

mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Well, I am officially going demented  

We have seen the full details of the little one we are being considered for, and we just feel even more drawn to her. But self preservation has kicked in and that little nasty voice in my head keeps popping up to remind me that we couldn't _possibly _ be lucky enough to be the ones who are chosen to be her Mummy and Daddy. I dithered about seeing her photo, as I was kind of worried that if I did I'd then have her face in my head and would then be setting myself up for an even more spectacular fall. DH looked, and then I just _had_ to didn't I? Couldn't have him knowing what she looked like and me having no clue . I don't know if this sounds bonkers, but seeing her photo didn't appear to have the impact I'd expected it to on me, I think that's because I'd heard all about her and knew that she was right for us. So the photo wasn't necessary for me to feel that I definately wanted her, I'm not explaining this very well am I

I've resorted to Kalms and Rescue Remedy! DH is sooo calm, I wish I could be like him. He says that our child will arrive when the time is right, and we have to wait, if this isn't meant to be then so be it. Aaaarrrrgghhh!  Love him to bits but he winds me up when he does his Confucius philosophical bit!

Am now trying not to overthink the SW visit, just 'be yourselves' our SW said . Yeah right! And how do you do that when you are so desperate to impress someone? DH will probably have to slip something in my tea so I don't go into overdrive and turn into Hyacinth Bucket 

Anyway, one backbreaking weekend and we now have a nearly complete bedroom ready. I think the previous wallpaper had been stuck on with superglue, it took forever to get it off. I have been looking at furniture and child safety stuff online and daydreaming about what we might need to buy . I walked into Mothercare at the weekend thinking I'd just have a browse and got brainfreeze from looking at the massive range of prams and buggies, good lord - how on earth are you supposed to choose? One of the assistants came up to me (she must have thought I was total weirdo standing there with a gormless look on my face ), and she said "Can I help you", and was completely flummoxed when I said "I have _no_ idea!" . I did explain, and she was lovely, just told me to come back when we knew what was happening.

Must try not to give myself a coronary.

JJ


----------



## Cotswold Girl

Just wanted to wish you luck, you sound so excited. I hope this little girl is your little girl and you get confirmation of everything soon     

CG xxxx


----------



## mavis

JoJoSa,

Oh man. : )

It is hard isnt it my DH is the same sometimes it grounds me and other times it winds me up even more, I have to start challenging him with questions!

Scarey but exciting times for you at the moment.

Good Luck for the visit, try standing your feet in wet soil or on wet grass might help to ground you or going for a walk to get rid of some of the nervous energy.

I think SW will expect you to be nervous, once she is in and you all have a drink I think you may calm down a little bit and get stuck into talking and your Sw will be there also wont they?  she wouldnt be visitng you if she didnt htink you were any good and I knwo you know that.

How did you decorate your bedroom?

GOOD LUCK and take care,

love, mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Hi CG & Mavis!  Thank you so much for your messages!  Where are you both up to in the process, and how are you finding it?  

Mavis, you are so right about the scary/exciting bit, we know our lives are going to change completely when we become parents and that's something we want but are a bit scared of at the same time  .  We decided to decorate the bedroom in plain white, so that we can add borders and stickers when we know for definite who our child is, B&Q have a really good range of wallstickers and stuff so that you can create your own, even window stickers with Winnie the Pooh on!.  My sister is also a bit of an artist and she wants to come in and paint a huge picture on one wall, once we decide what that needs to be!  We've also gone for a tough all purpose laminate floor to withstand lots of wear and tear.  I've also got my eye on some pine furniture.  My Mum and sister have gone into overdrive getting out all the stuff they saved from when my nieces were little, I haven't told them about the latest development, just in case we aren't chosen by the SW, but the fact that we've been approved seems to be enough for them!  My DH is muttering about having to hire a truck to pick up all of it  

I've ended up having to take a day off sick today, got a chest infection and sinusitis.  Probably didn't help myself by getting so over-excited and stressed over the last couple of weeks  .  So am at home with my feet up trying to chill out, and with DH calling me every hour to make sure I'm not trying to finish off the decorating or sort out the storage in the cellar  .  

Still have a week to go before we see littlie's SW, so I'm going to take all calming down advice tips I can get!  

JJ


----------



## Carol 36

Ahh Jo Jo wow I cannot believe how great your journey going.

All your reactions I think are totally normal I would be exactl the same!!! Worrying myself and second guessing as much as I can.

My advice for calming is take the time to rest and chill out and get yourself well. 

Just believe in yourself, from the sound of this it is so meant to be.

I really wish you all the best and cannot wait for the next instalment, it is so exciting to read what I hope is yet to come for me. Plus is gives me a lift to read happy journeys.
xxx


----------



## mavis

Hi JoJo,

Hope you are feeling better now.

Good idea about those stickers I had never seen them before until recently a friend bought some for her sons room.  They are very impressive.  it is great how interested your mum and sister are lovely to share it all together.

Not long keep us posted.

Ps. I am stuck in the middle of HS, SW off sick, due back July now  

Takre care,

love, mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Hi,

Well, managed to end up with quite a bad chest infection . Went back to work at the start of the week but just got worse and worse, so have now had to get a week off work to try to get back to feeling better. I don't think I did myself any favours by rushing around trying to decorate and get the house sorted before the SW visit, I nearly killed myself staying up till all hours painting and stuff . I managed to bump my head on the newly painted ceiling (long story...) and ended up with a Cruella de Ville stripe of cream paint right across the top of my head . I spent _hours_ trying to get it out.

Had the much anticipated visit from the SW. I genuinely have no idea at all whether we made a good impression or not . It's really hard to think of good insightful questions to ask about such a young child, but we came up with some and I'd done a bit of looking into local mother and baby groups and stuff in case the SW asked (which she did, so I was prepared!  The SW could be a poker champ, she gave absolutely _nothing_ away. She was very nice, and gave us lots of information, which has just made us want the little girl even more. DH was on a charm offensive and did me proud, bless him, he even made the tea but the expensive biccies I bought weren't touched. I was going to bake a sponge cake, but decided not to in case it looked a bit too much. God, I can't believe I was even stressing about biscuits and cakes . Our SW was pleased with how we dealt with the visit, and she is doing her best to manage our expectations. We have to wait until next week to find out if the SW wants us to be littlies parents. _Next week _ . I hope she says that she thinks we are the best match, or I don't know what I'll do        .

It's so daft but after the SW left, I felt like I'd just had a major job interview. I kept going over and over it and thinking "ooo, I should have said this" or "oh poo why did we say _that_". I was trying to read the SW's face but I got _nothing_. She really has missed her vocation, she could be earning a fortune gambling . Am also feeling guilty, because another family out there is being considered as well as us, and they are going through the same thing, so for one of us to be matched the other has to be disappointed, so hoping that we are the ones chosen by the SW means that I'm inadvertently wishing misery on other people. Not nice.

DH has gone all Confucious again, and I think he's doing it to try to prepare us both if the news isn't positive. He's convinced we will be getting a no, and given that it's a competitive match then it could be. Do you know what, when we get to be a forver Mummy and Daddy I am darn well going to make sure we enjoy and treasure _everything_!!!!

Well, next post will be either depths of misery or an incoherent overexcited one...... Watch this space, and thanks to everyone who might be taking the time to read this or message me.

JJ


----------



## Cotswold Girl

JoJo - I hope that it's you on the high next week. It is awful that your success would mean another couple' miss out - so glad our LA doesn't do competitive matching. It must have felt like the most important interview you've ever had!

We started our prep course yesterday so still have a long way to go.

Good luck, CG xxxxx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Thanks CG, it did feel like that!  To be honest it is really like having an interview, but this is the one that could change the rest of your life! No pressure  .

How did you feel after your first prep day?  Eager?  Emotionally drained?  I remember our first day, there was so much to take in we felt like we'd been drained of all brain power!  I hope you enjoyed the day?

JJ


----------



## mavis

Hi Jojo,

BIG BIG Hugs to you.  Hope you are feeling better.  What a time of it!

Sounds like it went well for you.  I think I would be the same trying to second guess the sw and looking for giveaways.

Hopefully it will be good news for you.

Please hear soon.

Hope you have done some relaxing too if poss.

Take care and got it all crossed for you.

Love, mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Thanks Mavis, have been trying to relax and distract myself but thoughts still keep wondering back to whether the SW has decided yet. I have my mobile glued to me! I also have the worlds most irritating cough, which keeps me (and DH  )awake at night, so we are both tired and tetchy and enjoying a bit of bickering over silly things which is keeping us occupied  (I keep reminding him that sleepless nights are good practice!).

How are you doing? The delay in your HS must be _very_ frustrating. Is your SW going to maybe double up on visits when she gets back so that you can catch up on the time missed? I hope so for your sake, as I can imagine you just want to get on with it. We definitely need lots of patience for this adoption process, don't we?

Will post as soon as I know anything - pleeeeeeeaaaaase let it be us!        

JJ


----------



## JoJoSa3

I didn't know it was possible to be _this_ happy.....

*We got a yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
WooooooooHooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!                  

We got the call and when our SW told me that littlies SW wanted us to be her parents, I was soooo shocked    !!! I was shaking like a leaf and just burst into tears which triggered a coughing fit which I think nearly deafened our SW . I had to run round the house screaming (after the phone call!). DH is at work, so I had to call him in the middle of a meeting and he was absolutely gobsmacked when I said "You're going to be a Daddy", then I burst into tears again as I've waited _so so so_ long to say that to him.

I'm dying to tell my Mum and Dad, but they are out (and as usual with parents they haven't got their flippin mobile phones on!) and I don't want to tell anyone else until I've told them. Can't wait, as we deliberately didn't tell them what was happening with this link as we didn't want to get their hopes up.

Our baby girl will be 8 months old when she comes home, which will hopefully be in July!!!!!! OhMyGod, I'm so excited. There just aren't the words to describe this feeling. I hope that everyone who is waiting to me matched too will get this feeling soon   , it's better than _anything_.

I am going to spend sooo much money in the next few weeks!

A very very very very happy JJ


----------



## mavis

Dear JJ,

What superb news.

I am crying with delight for you.

CONGRTAULATIONS : ) : ) : )

Fabulous.

Keep us posted.

love,  mavis x


----------



## Carol 36

Ahh Jo that is fantastic news over the moon for you both
xx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Thanks Mavis and Carol!   

Latest update is that we have now had a meeting with littlies (I will have to come up with a 'name' for her for the diary soon!) foster mum. I was quite anxious beforehand, as I just didn't know what to expect, as I know that foster family love her to bits, and I think I was maybe expecting a little bit of 'protectiveness' on foster mum's part. She was absolutely lovely though, she told us so much about her that we were talking for well over an hour. We can tell that she has been loved and cared for so much, which is such a bonus and a big positive. Foster mum did have a tear in her eye a couple of times, and it forced home to us how difficult this must be for her and her family which did make me feel a bit guilty. I know it's the foster carers job to do this, but to be such a good FC, you have to care and this lady obviously does - a lot. Having said that, I have to be completely honest here, listening to FM describe 'our' daughter, did make me feel a teensy bit jealous because she has that that time with her that I never will. I know that might sound churlish, I don't mean it to, I know how very very very lucky we are, but part of me wishes that we had had that time. Can't help it&#8230;&#8230; 

Foster mum also brought some photos along, which I was hoping for so much but didn't know if we would get any. She is _so _ _gorgeous_, DH's face was a picture when he saw her, as the last photo we had seen was when she was a tiny baby, we are now both officially besotted. God knows what we'll be like when we finally meet her! Keep having to get the photos out just to stare at her beautiful little face and imagine having her here with us. 

DH has gone a bit quiet (more than normal!  ) and I think it's a bit of shock setting in. I think that the match happening so quickly has taken him by surprise, and he's the kind of person who needs time to process major change. I think that we have been waiting for our family for so long that now it's _finally_ happening he's a bit overwhelmed, poor love. Luckily, one of our friends who is pregnant at the moment had a chat with him yesterday, she asked him if he was a bit scared, and when he said he was a 'bit' she said, "well, join the club 'cos _I'm_ terrified!". I think that made him realise that excitement and fear go hand in hand with this being a parent malarkey and it's OK to be a bit all over the place! 

SW's seem to be confident in taking things forward, we've been told to start buying what we need and getting everything ready. Now, I _never _ need an excuse to shop, but all the stuff that's available is mind boggling! I have now looked at so many pushchairs they have all blurred into one, and I just can't make my mind up. I'm not complaining mind, I'm loving every minute of pushing different models around the various shops, and making shop assistants show me how to collapse them and put them back up again   mwahhahahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just bet they just _hate_ people like me! 
DH is loving this new word of gadgets and gizmos, and is becoming quite the well read technical expert on car seats and pushchairs - he says gadgets are a 'mans' job!  

We have also decided to book our 'last' couple only break away before we succumb to the world of booking holidays based only on whether it's good for kids!  I think a relaxing break is what we both need, everything has happened so fast that we just don't seem to have had much time to really process what's going on. We know how lucky we are , but we are lurching from heady excitement to wondering whether we are going to be good enough.

Just have to hope    that the SW's gets all the paperwork etc ready in time for the matching panel in a few weeks, and that everything goes according to plan.   

JJ


----------



## JoJoSa3

You know how some people say that if something seems too good to be true, then it probably is? We have had our bubble burst.

There is now a major problem with our match. Potentially there is a change in the arrangements for contact with birth family and there is now a review of littlies adoption plan to see if it needs to change. Potential outcome is that it's all off. I can't even begin to describe how upset we are. I can't stop crying, can't eat, and DH has gone through the roof as he feels someone hasn't done their job properly. We're told we are the 'right' match; "everything is straightforward and simple"; we meet foster mum and are given photos; we are told to go ahead and get everything ready; and now this. And the worst thing is there is absolutely _nothing_ whatsoever that we can do.

DH says that if they do pull the rug from under us with this match that he's seriously reconsidering the whole adoption thing. I can't say I blame him as I'm not sure I trust the process myself anymore.


----------



## mavis

Dear JoJosa,

OMG!!!! I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you both. 

Can I say at this point a little bit of hope try not to be too disheartned by this (easier said then done I knwo), the reason I say this is a very similar thing happened to a friend of mine she only posts on aduk.

After the initial shock news, she spoke to sw and it appeared things needed to be clarified.

It is wrong what they ahve done for you liek what they did to her and it has been dragged out for her but she now has the outcome she hoped for.

I guess what I am trying to say it may not be over wiht this match, there must ahve been very good reasons that it got this far.

Please can you speak to your sw again and see what is the next step and what she/he ses the possible outcomes as being.

Love to you,

take care of yourselves.

love, mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Well, not updated for a while as we went off on holiday.  The day we were travelling to the airport, we got the call to say that the independent review of the adoption arrangements for our little one had meant that our match was off  .  Apparently one of the older siblings was allowed to visit her in her foster home and the social worker didn't know how often those visits had been!!!  Unbelievable. So, when the older sibling was told that the adoption had been arranged, the sibling said that she wanted contact, and then there had to be a review of the contact arrangements as there are several other siblings and the wider impact needed to be considered.  The review then said that the original plan for no birth family contact would need to change, and that the foster carers should be given the opportunity to adopt her as they had formed an attachment!! This just amazes me    It just seems to make a mockery of the adoption process.

We were very very upset  , but went off on holiday, which I think was probably a good thing as it gave us a chance to go and lick our wounds and try to bounce back.  DH is still angry, he is very mistrustful of the process now, and he is not happy that we have been put through this.  I am so disappointed that any future match will be overshadowed by this and we will both be holding back a bit and not allowing ourselves to get excited just in case we get messed around again.

The most heartbreaking part was having to tell our families too.  My Dad was so upset, he said he felt like marching in to see Littlies SW and giving her a piece of his mind about upsetting me. Bless him, I might be 40 years old but I'm still his little girl!!!  Also taking and sending back all the stuff we bought for her has been hard.  If we are lucky enough to have another match, I am definately definately definately not buying a thing until after panel, I don't care how much of a panic it might be to get stuff sorted.

To be honest, we feel that we've learned a bit of a harsh lesson, and we certainly won't be as naive and trustful through this process in the future.  Horrible to have to admit, but true.  

JJ


----------



## mavis

Hi JJ,

I am so sorry. 

How incredibly cruel to have been out through this in this way.

I second your dads feelings too.

I cannot blame yuor DH for the mistrust he feels and how you now feel about the process.

I hope SS are apologetic, I agree about the mockery of the process.

I am sitting here shaking my head and feel very upset for you.

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts - I am glad you have eachother and your dad is v supportive too.

mavis x


----------



## JoJoSa3

Well, it’s been quite a while since I posted in my diary!  In a lot of ways, I needed to get away from reflecting on what was going on for us (or not going on, to be more precise) regarding adoption.  It has taken much longer than I thought to bounce back from the failed ‘nearly’ match we had in the summer – I underestimated just how big an impact that whole fiasco had on us.  We even thought seriously of just backing out of adopting entirely, we just could not bear the thought of possibly being messed around again.  But we stuck with it, and agreed with our SW that we would wait and see if there was another child out there for us.
I haven’t even read or kept up with any of the boards as it was too much to keep being reminded of what we didn’t have, if that makes sense??  Have caught up now!
The latest is that we have been linked to a little boy, and hopefully will be going to matching panel for him early in January!  It all happened so fast, we got a phone call in November from our SW saying that a family finder was very interested in us, and that the FF and SW wanted to come and visit us.  We knew they were keen because we had made it clear, via our SW, that unless we were top (or only) choice for a little one then we did not want to have meetings with SWs or FFs.  This might sound a bit funny, but we wanted to make sure that we didn’t get any visits where we might have engaged with the details of the particular child, only to be told that we weren’t right.  We felt that we had to protect ourselves and only agree to meetings if we knew that we were really the right parents for the child.  We had our meetings, and it was full steam ahead!  It hasn’t sunk in yet that at the start of 2011 we could finally be a little family.  
If I am totally honest, a large part of me is still holding back, we were within a week of matching panel last time when everything went wrong, so I am scared that lightning may strike twice.  Even though we’ve had re-assurances that there is no reason for things to go wrong, I really won’t allow myself to believe it will happen until after that panel.  Our previous experience has taken away some of the joy and anticipation that we think we should be feeling, but I’m sure that will kick in once we feel that things are ‘official’.  I haven’t even bought anything or allowed myself to look at anything!  
Our little boy sounds so cute and lovely, a real laid back little character and he looks so smiley and sparkly-eyed in his photos.  I can just imagine him running me and his Daddy ragged, so I’m keeping everything crossed that our little whirlwind will be ours soon.


----------



## Jooles68

I so hope it works out for you JOJO

Jooles xxx


----------



## wynnster

Hi JoJo

   FAB NEWS!!! 

I can totally understand you being cautious and not wanting to get carried away    Please do try not to let the past spoil your dream  

Thinking of you and hoping it all comes together


----------



## JoJoSa3

Well, I have been extremely atrocious at not keeping up with my diary, but I'll hopefully remedy that in the next few days when I get my new laptop and a spare 5 minutes.  Our little 'Tigger' has been home for 8 weeks now... I can hardly believe I'm writing that down, it seems like it has all been so quick since January.  I really want to write about our experiences, as I'd love this to be the diary that Tigger sees when he is older so he knows how he came to us, and to have the memories written down so we don't forget any of the joy/worry/firsts/special times. Of course, I want to be able to share the journey with anyone who bothers to read this, as I know I've found other peoples adoption journeys fascinating and helpful to build a real picture of adoption.

I am just emerging from the emotional and physical fog of introductions and early placement, so I need to get my act together and start engaging with the world again!  Can't wait to share all the gory details! )


----------



## JoJoSa3

Have decided to do this catch up in chunks, still no laptop so am doing this via the Internet on my phone!

Right, matching etc... Well, there really was some to-ing and fro-ing with us and Tiggers SW and FF, we felt that some details were patchy and that they were rushing us into a decision.  We really did mull over the link with Tigger, as our previous experience had taught us that we really needed to think with our head and heart about whether we would be right for him.  Once we said we felt we were things moved really fast, because he was so little the SW wanted him with his forever Mummy & Daddy as soon as possible! So we went to panel just 4 weeks later! We couldn't even get to the matching panel as the placing LA was over 4 hours drive away and that very day there was huge amounts of snow, so we couldn't travel! Luckily the panel spoke to our SW by audioconference and we were approved!  We were on tenderhooks all morning waiting to hear, and were just overjoyed to have that YES!  To celebrate I ran outside and made snow angels!  

We asked for a couple of weeks after panel before intros, so that we could get everything ready for Tigger, and to make sure we were able to hand over properly at work.  We were so so lucky, literally everyone was overjoyed for us, and those couple of weeks passed in a blur of activity.  I finished decorating his room, Winnie the Pooh, if you hadn't already guessed by our sons 'online' name! .  I have to say that this was when the worrying started too, I just started to fret about whether we would be good enough, how the move would affect him (he had been with FC since birth and was 17 months at intros), and about what the FCs would be like.  I really was up and down, one minute teary and emotional about us finally becoming a family and another being teary and emotional about how much our lives would change and that it was no longer just me and DH in our own little bubble with our nice hard earned comfy lives.  It's amazing that it doesn't matter how much you long for something, when reality hits it can be quite daunting and v scary...

We also saw a DVD of Tigger and some photos, and I'm going to be very honest and say that these did not raise any 'instant connection' feelings in us.  We wanted to meet Tigger and react to him that way, and we wanted to keep our feet on the ground. I know some people say that they see a photo and 'know' but it's not always the case, and it was like that for us.  Hearing the fc talk about him was what made us start to build up a picture of this lively, nosy, engaging and funny little boy...

Anyway, right up till the car journey I panicked that something would go wrong & that we would lose him, but everything went like clockwork and despite being told to rest before intros we didn't, and a very knackered pair of numpties set off for intros...

Intros in next post..


----------



## kittykat1234

Hi jojo,

I am waiting with baited breath for your next post . . . . . . 

xx


----------



## Maccer

Hi JoJo,

Like KittyKat I can't wait for the next installment.

Mx


----------



## kittykat1234

. . . . . . . . still waiting       

xxx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Ooooh, blimey, better get on with it then!!  

I know it might sound a bit bonkers, but we asked for intros to be a couple of weeks after MP, so we could get everything done as we literally didn't get anything before MP. Those couple of weeks went by in a blur, we decorated Tiggers room and blitzed the house.  Our lovely SW kept telling us that we needed to be well rested before intros, and we were like 'hmmm, we'll be fine, just how tiring can it be?'.  Har, har, har! What numpties!  

Tiggers LA was a four hour drive away, and we had to set off really early on the first day to make sure we got there in time to meet Tigger at the FCs before we went to the planning meeting.  I hardly slept the night before, I wasn't imagining what the meeting would be like as I stopped myself doing that so I would go with no fairytale expectations.  No, I worried about whether the car would conk out, I worried about what the accommodation that the LA had booked would be like (DH has become rather used to nice hotels!) and I was still worrying about whether Tigger was the right match for us, were we doing the right thing, would the FCs treat us like babysnatchers And on.. And on.....

So, car journey went well, lots of coffee and jelly babies and terrified silence ! When we got close to the FCs, I really felt like my heart was going to give in and the poor little cuddly toy we'd bought Tigger was practically strangled! We had sent one of the Tomy photo albums a few weeks before, and we knew the FC had spent lots of time talking Tigger through it and making sure he had time looking through it every day,so we hoped that he might recognise us.  When we got there, he was having a nap so we had a cuppa and a chat with the FCs and Tiggers SW.  The FCs were so lovely, and they really did make us feel welcome and relaxed and it was great to all have a chat before Tigger woke up.  It wasn't exactly the best start!! He had just got a cold and is a grumpy bum when he wakes up, so he took one look at me and DH and clung to the fc with his face hidden away!  We just laughed it off, and joked that he was probably shocked that we weren't 3 inches high, like in our photos! The FC was mortified, bless him, but we had gone in with literally no expectation, and at 17 months old it showed healthy and appropriate attachment style so we weren't worried.

Tigger warmed up over about 20 minutes and then we had a whale of a time playing on the floor and doing peek a boo under the coffee table!  He loved the toy we bought him, and was howling with laughter at the noises it made when he pressed it's tummy! When it was time to go ( to our planning meeting, boooo!) I'll never forget seeing his little face pressed up against the window and him waving like mad.  We then had to go off to our meetings and that was quite difficult, we just 
wanted to stay and play!

So, planning meeting was done, and we had our schedule for the rest of the week, including meeting BM and her parents, and the medical advisor and the psychologist!  It just seemed like it was time away from our getting to know Tigger,but we knew we had to do it. We set off for the accommodation, which was a self catering holiday cottage.  Me and DH just giggled hysterically when we got there, it was OK, basic and functional but in major need of a spruce up and smelled a bit funny.... the giggling was because DH just looked like a condemned man when he walked in,he's used to travelling on business and staying in rather nice hotels (and we've been lucky enough to afford some pretty nice holidays) and it's been quite a few years since we've stayed anywhere that basic!! It was just hilarious. 
We settled in, had some food and a glass of wine, then 4 hours later woke up at midnight at either end of the sofa and freezing cold!  We had a 7.30 start the next day so we crawled off to bed fully clothed!

Got to go now, sandwiches to make for trip our tomorrow, so will continue this tomorrow.  Feels a bit like a Dickens novel.. 

.


----------



## kittykat1234

Ohhhhhhh what lovely reading JoJo     

Thank you for sharing this so far with us!

Looking forward to the next installment  

xxx


----------



## Maccer

I can't wait for the next bit either, I love reading adoption stories. 


Mx


----------



## JoJoSa3

Day 2 of intros and more...

Woke up on day 2 feeling really nervous about heading off to FCs house, where we needed to be in time for Tiggers breakfast.  Unfortunately we had both come down with a cold and so felt quite rubbish, but we just decided it was our first dose of parenthood illness passed on by the littly! He was ready and waiting in his highchair and was hugely amused at having a new audience.  We then spent the morning playing with him before we had to go off again.  Tigger was so cute, really playful, but he was still quite unsure when the FC left the room and he was left alone with us, but he'd only just met us and even though we knew we were his new Mummy & Daddy, we had to remember that he'd only just met us and not to expect too much.  He did gravitate toward DH quite a bit, Tigger is deffo a 'mans man', and he would laugh hysterically when poor DH had to blow his nose. 

We had to meet birth mother that day, and I wasn't nervous, more curious really.  I'm glad we did meet her, it gave us something that we can talk with Tigger about later on, and I really felt for her as she was very nervous.  We then went back to see Tigger and more playtime and tea before we got to be involved in bathtime!! Problem was, he was so excited by this change to his routine, he wouldn't go to sleep and cried his eyes out!  Poor little soul, he must have been wondering what the hell was going on....



That night, I have to say DH and I were exhausted


----------



## JoJoSa3

Grr, trying to do this via my phone as laptop packed up, so something happened in the middle of the previous post and I couldn't carry on typing.

Anyway, we were v tired and quite poorly, so we stocked up on cold & flu remedies and then went back to the cottage, ate and once again fell asleep on the sofa!

During the following day, we started to take over bits of Tiggers routine, and the foster carers were fantastic - really supportive and they were so kind about making us feel welcome in their home. It could have been very awkward, they obviously adored Tigger but they were happy for him that he had a forever Mummy and Daddy and they were determined that they would do everything they could to help intros go well. 

Tigger did want Daddy a lot more than he came to me, and I was a bit envious! When we went back the following day Tigger was on the lookout for us and we were greeted with huge smiles, but he definately still wanted Daddy and it really started to worry me, and I thought 'what if he doesn't like me?' - the FCs and DH were really reassuring but I was feeling wobbly.  By that stage we were starting to 'fall in love' and I was so worried that Tigger wouldn't bond with me if he only ever wanted Daddy!  We had to go off that day for more meetings, including grandparents.  That was the first time I burst into tears, straight after meeting them, I felt so sorry for them and it just broke my heart.  It was our turn to put Tigger to bed that night, and we had to go backwards and forwards for nearly an hour as he sobbed every time we left the room.  I'll never forget me and DH sat on the landing outside his room with the FCs trying to work out what to do. In the end DH had to go in and cuddle him till he dropped off and we could sneak out. I was soooo jealous, I'd never imagined taking a backseat to DH, and while I was pleased Tigger was forming a relationship with him I felt left out!! Our SW was fabulous though, she called us all the time and kept reassuring us and was so open to discussing our concerns, she was a gem and saved my sanity!

We then took more and more of the routine on over the following days, spending all day with Tigger and only leaving when he was napping so we could grab lunch. We took him out to a cafe one afternoon and were in stitches when Tigger managed to scoop up a spoonful of pasta and tomato sauce and lob it skillfully over DH's shoulder straight onto the window!  We took him for a couple of walks in his buggy, and I remember such a moment of overwhelming joy when someone walking by said 'ooh, isn't he gorgeous?' and we just smiled and said 'he is, isn't he?!'. Aaaaaaah.  

We had an afternoon with Tigger at our cottage, and he loved having somewhere new to crawl around, and new kitchen cabinets to rummage in!  That afternoon Tigger got really upset when we tried to settle him in his travel cot for a nap, and I don't know why, but he suddenly decided he wanted me and pressed himself so tightly against my shoulder.  He cried if I tried to put him down, so I spent an hour and a half sitting with him sleeping with his little face tucked into my neck.  I was so happy I cried, and DH had to mop me with a hanky as I couldn't move my 
arms!!!

We had our review meeting at the end of the week and things were going so well we all agreed Tigger could come home the following week. The time was right as he was starting to get confused about whether he should come to us or FCs.  We had a 'day off' to go home and make sure we had everything ready, but the four hour drive home and back interfered a bit! 

What I would say I've learned about intros is that everyone is right, they are knackering, especially if you are away from home and have to worry about finding your way around, finding shops etc so you can eat, and not having home comforts to come back to each day.  I found I was much more emotional than even I expected, and surprised that the motherly worrying about the little man kicked in almost immediately! And I wish that we had remembered to drink more - not alcohol, just basic water & tea etc! We were so wrapped up in Tigger, we'd forget to even make a cuppa and ended up more knackered at the end if each day as we were dehydrated too!!

Anyway, I'll shut up now, I'm not a big one for the smiley faces to break up my diatribe, so for any of you poor souls who are kind enough to take the time to read, it's only fair to break the saga up into chunks!

JJ


----------



## curvycat

Just wanted to say thank you JJ for this detailed and graphic account of your introductions. I await updates eagerly


----------



## kittykat1234

Ohhhhh JoJo how sooooooooooo lovely!!

Thank you for taking the time to do this and any updates will be fantastic along the way xxx


----------

