# Trying to understand



## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Hi
Just got BFN yesterday and feeling really low and hollow.  .I am trying to understad why this is happening to us and where God is in all this. Have read other "religious" posts on here that say something about understanding God's plan.......which to be honest doesn't  help nor does it comfort.
Just wondering why really.My husbaand and I haven't really had an easy ride of things to be together . Cross continental relationships(which actaully worked out !!!) but this is harder and more painful. I assumed (wrongly) that God may decide to give us both a break after we got married but that has not happended. It is almost like I predicted my life when last year someone asked me about trying for babies and I replied "yes we are but knowing my luck there will be something wrong" - Oh how ironic. 
I know I sound sorry for myself and sorry if I do but this is just how I feel. 
I do want to move on with my life and look forward but this year has literally been a living nightmare . I am stuck in a job that I hate because I have turned down applying for new jobs due to IVF coming up , it just feels like a never ending uphill struggle to find the light. The god thing is though , through all of this my DH and myself are much much closer but is it wrong to want more  IE a baby 
Chedza


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Hi Chedza

First of all sending you lots of hugs for your BFN.

I know exactly what you mean.  I was bought up in a very Christian environment and have always had faith, but going through infertility has really rocked my belief to the core.  I hate to admit it but I have hardly spoken to God since we had our first BFN, although I do talk to my grandma up there.  Everytime I come on this website I see loads of wonderful amazing women who, if there was any justice in this world, wouldn't go through all this.  I see news reports of children being abused, neglected, murdered even by their parents/guardians and I think why has God chosen those people to have families and not us, not the other ladies here.  It just breaks my heart.

DH is great with kids and he will make a fantastic father for any children that we have, we are in a strong stable relationship, we have extra bedrooms in our house, we have plenty of love to give, why does God not want us to have kids?  What is so wrong with us?  Why let the likes of Rose and Fred West, Josef Fritzl etc allowed to have kids?  Why put those children through such suffering when there are fantastic people in this group who are just aching to have a child and give it a loving, warm, happy environment.

Sorry I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that there is someone else going through exactly the same thought process - and I also just don't understand God's "plan" and when people say that it gives me no comfort or help whatsoever.

I hope I haven't offended anyone Christian with my post, apologies if I have.

Hugs

Sue


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Hi Chedza
I'm sorry you are suffering and   especially after a BFN!
Everything you are feeling and thinking are very normal and as the old addage says - 'time really is a great healer'

The pain of a BFN lessens but not the desperate urge to become parents or the mixed emotions when you see a pregnant lady - especially if its family or friend.
As you can tell by now - I haven't any answers but great understanding and empathy.

I have a strong faith, but it's quite normal to question things but I do believe God has a plan for us and we have to believe He wants what's best for us!

Finally  (now you may think I'm completely off my rocker  - but i'm not honest) I have 'just' been introduced to 'my guardian angel' - I've always believed my nan looked down on me, but now God gave each one of us an angel and he/she looks after us and does things to help us!  I now feel content and calm!
Maybe this drivel helped maybe not - but things will get better X


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Massive massive hugs Chedza.  I can totally understand where you are coming from.  I do think though that because we have faith, God sometimes tests us more.

I grew up in a Christian family, and so did my husband.  We do not go to church now, but I would never deny that God exists.  Anyway when I read what you wrote about thinking maybe God would give you a break, it made me think about what my Mum says - God only sends these things to try us and because he thinks we are strong enough in character to deal with them, but again she says 'I just wish he wouldn't think so much of you!' - meaning she just wishes God didn't think I was as strong so didn't put us through this.

Anyway I am waffling, but I just wanted to say don't lose your way, God is there - he just knows you're much stronger than you realise xxx


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Thank you all for your words and understanding 
Sue , thanks for knowing what I mean and for not giving me platitudes- that helps that someon else can actually listen to you and just take the angst.
Scouse - thanks also - met my sister yesterday who is one of my best friends and she just wept on a bench with me in the middle of town.She is struggling with all this too- and admitted that she and her new husband were trying soon and she wanted to be excited for herself but felt like she was betraying me.I love her to bits bit I really really dont know how I wil handle the news that she has "only been trying a few months " I know she wont say that but it is inevitable and I can just see it now- she will be giving birth whilst I stare at another negative IVF round- sorry for sounding so negative but just my bloody luck to be honest - would rather put my own IVF on hold til she produces but know I cannot do that.
Beebee-I get ya  BUT I DONT WANNA BE TESTED ANYMORE!!!!! I also dont wanna be strong anymore !!!I suppose I have been shown that IVF was not as physically bad as I thought and emotionally I dealt /am dealing with the fall out.
Dont really know how I am today - feel a bit like standing naked in the rain in the street and screaming "OK BRING IT ON <ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANNA THROW AT ME ""
Thanks Ladies
Chedza


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

(((hugs))).  I don't think any of us want to be tested anymore hun!  You need to just take some time for you and dh and do whatever it takes to help ease the pain at the moment xxx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Following that through, perhaps God doesn't think I am strong enough to deal with a child.

Sue


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Sue

Not sure I get you ?? Are you saying that God thinks I am not strong enough to deal with a child .....is that the implication If it is , then I actually find that quite offensive to be honest ....... I dont think God plans these things in his nature , ie he does not seek out to punish us , life is just life and **** happens etc etc . I also find your statement quite judgemental of me , because actually , although I have posted on here, you dont actually KNOW me. 
If i have interpreted your message wrongly , I apologise , I am confused by what you wrote. 
Chedza


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Chedza I think what Sue meant was that if god only sends what he does because he thinks we are strong enough, to her that makes her wonder if he thinks she isn't strong enough to have a child ( correct me if I am wrong Sue xxx).


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Ok.........will wait to hear from Sue, but just co nfused by the post really .......hope I didnt sound too full on.... just dont understand thats all xxx
c


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Chedza said:


> Sue
> 
> Not sure I get you ?? Are you saying that God thinks I am not strong enough to deal with a child .....is that the implication If it is , then I actually find that quite offensive to be honest ....... I dont think God plans these things in his nature , ie he does not seek out to punish us , life is just life and poop happens etc etc . I also find your statement quite judgemental of me , because actually , although I have posted on here, you dont actually KNOW me.
> If i have interpreted your message wrongly , I apologise , I am confused by what you wrote.
> Chedza


How can you be offended when I was replying to this from Beebee?



Beebee said:


> it made me think about what my Mum says - God only sends these things to try us and because he thinks we are strong enough in character to deal with them, but again she says 'I just wish he wouldn't think so much of you!' - meaning she just wishes God didn't think I was as strong so didn't put us through this.


I find it equally offensive that you would be equally so judgemental of me


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Sue xxx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Beebee said:


> Chedza I think what Sue meant was that if god only sends what he does because he thinks we are strong enough, to her that makes her wonder if he thinks she isn't strong enough to have a child ( correct me if I am wrong Sue xxx).


That was what I was thinking Beebee, and I wasn't thinking about anyone elses situation, only my own. I had been mulling over in my brain what everyone on her had said about this topic and that thought suddenly popped into my head. I don't know, I am just trying to make sense of it all.

Sue


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Sue I am really sorry if I came across too strong or judgmental. I really didnt understand your message and have had people telling me this infertility issue is God's will , so I may have transfered some of my anger onto your post .   I hope you understand and can get where I am coming from and I am a nice person really - I am just finding my emotions are running wild..   
Thanks 
Chedza


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

It's only natural to think like that Sue - I must admit I would be lying if I said that thought had never occurred to me!  Many a time I have thought well if God has a plan for me and it's all in his time, what if he thinks that in some way I am not fit to be a Mother!  Massive hugs hun - you're not alone and I have EVERYTHING crossed for you this time chick xxx


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## Cate1976 (Oct 29, 2007)

IF is heartbreaking, I'm very blessed to have an amzing church family who've been great (and there's been a lot of babies born to church family as well).  3 friends especially have been incredible.  I met one of them on Thursday and     flowed but my friend always has the right words for the situation and  just let me talk and   and then at the end gave me a   and he is good at comforting hugs.  The thing I find hardest is that there's parents having LO's with no bother only to neglect them and yet there's so many couples who could raise a child properly needing IVF/ICSI or donar eggs to have their own child.  I was so angry when I read about that woman in Oldham.  Actually sent my friend an email with the link to the article about it.  I'm no 3 on the list for IVF and am   that letter of offer for tx comes this month, due to dates it'll be mid November before I start.


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