# Bother with Exes



## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

may i ask, have any of you had bother with exes being involved in the adoption process? thats what really puts me off trying adoption as she's hateful and i don't want her knowing that we have had no luck in having our own.

(sorry for highjacking hopeful   )


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Wee Emma

Hope you don't mind, I've moved your post to a new thread as I know there are many here who can answer your question though might not read it where you previously posted it  

Bx


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## Guest (Apr 18, 2011)

When you get to the Home Study part of the process, your social worker will need to contact any significant exes, however they are fully aware that those people are exes for a reason and that realtionships maybe badly strained.  They won't go into your details with the ex, but will ask them some specific questions around your relationship and why it ended and any children involved.  

Hope that helps.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Bop


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

You know what, i felt the same about not wanting my hubbys ex involved. I really felt gutted about the fact she will know about our infertility. Theres no easy way around it if i'm honest. We just had to realise the bigger picture of whats important and that we weren't ashamed that we were adopting, in actual fact we are very proud. when hubby told her he made sure she saw how excited he was and that he wasn't ashamed about us not being able to concieve and that our life will be very bright through adoption. She has surprized us both by being very supportive from the beginning. She does have her moments with little digs here and there, but you know what......who cares!  She may just surprize you too! xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Wee Emma,

Both myself and DH were married before (no children involved).
As Bop just explained, your ex's are contacted during your Home Study.
In our case it was just a very short questionnaire that was sent.

We were both surprised that neither ex's caused us any problems at all, as there was quite a lot of nastiness on both sides. Apparently this is more than often the case and all ends up being fine. 
At the end of the day, no one really wants SS poking about in their personal business and I think most people realise that to say unkind/untrue things in their reply may result in further investigation their end.
I remember that this point was raised by someone at our Info Day and the Social Workers were very reassuring in that they always take all that is written by ex's with a 'pinch of salt' and as Bop said, they appreciate your ex's are ex's for a reason.

At the end of the day however hateful she is, and how much you understandably don't want her knowing your business, just try to hold onto the fact that by hearing that you are both going through the adoption process it also confirms how much the 2 of you love each other and how strong your relationship is.  

All the things that worried us before we started out ended up causing us no bother at all, and this is normally the way too.

Lots of luck with your adoption journey if you decide to go ahead   

Anj x


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

thanks everyone, i suppose you're right, if we want to we shouldnt worry about her.

thing is though, we don't see the girls anymore. She broke the contact order but blamed DH, saying that he did and we couldnt afford to go back to court to get them back. We haven't seen them in two years.

i'd be afraid that social services would then see him as a bad daddy as he doesn't see them anymore.

can i also ask, how much do your earnings/outgoings count towards it? that scares me too   

i'd so hate to get turned down.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

Hi wee Emma
our Sw asked about exs but as there were no children involved they never contacted them...SW are sensible and its about your life experience and what you have learnt and how you will put it into practise when your children are placed 


they will do a financial assessment but its not about how wealthy you are its about whether you can budget/provide for these children, and there is always help with adoption allowances and settling in grants


chin up, think about the bigger picture, there are alot of hoops but people keep saying it is worth it and with our matching panel approaching i am sure they are right


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2011)

Wee Emma

My best advice is just to be honest....your DH will need to explain why he no longer has contact but that in itself shouldn't be an issue.

As for money, you don't need to be rich, but you do need to show you can live within your means and have thought about how you would "afford" a child. Some savings are beneficial and huge out of control debts could be a problem, but there is no right and wrong.

Not sure where you are but it sound to me as though gettig in touch with your local authority or a voluntary agency and finding out more might be helpful. Do have a look in the resource area ( this thread might help http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=243984.0 ) and read through some of the stories on here.

Good luck with your journey.

Bop


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

i suppose she'll not look that good because she blocked contact, ignored letters and changed her phone number so that she couldnt be contacted   

she's also told lies about me though (that i scare the girls..as if, i couldnt scare myself   ) so i'd hope she would just come across as a nut (fingers crossed   ).

i'll look into it when our iui is over (if it fails), i don't think they'd let me know knowing we have tx so soon.

good luck jules with your matching panel    what happens there? is it to match you to a specific child or just deciding how many/what age you are allowed?


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

Hi Wee emma


good to see you sounding more positive
we have been linked with 2 little ones 4 and 7, the matching panel is to decide if they should be placed with us our adoption journey started may 2010 so by comparison ours has been relatively short


though my confidence is not high about the matching the panel saying yes even though we were approved unanimously in Feb


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

hi Jules

so you got your babbies? how is it going? well i hope


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