# Neighbour on 2nd baby



## Guest (Oct 19, 2014)

Sorry in advance for the complaining post. I arrived back from holiday this weekend and found out today my next door neighbour is on her 2nd pregnancy, after we had originally been pregnant at the same time in 2012, but my baby boy died at 5 months whereas hers is running around next door. It wouldn't be so bad if she'd been kind and understanding about it, but she has never mentioned my baby or wanted to talk to me. She hasn't been nasty, just hasn't wanted to know me.

We moved in a couple of months after losing out baby and her father in law sold us the house & knew all about it, so it's not as if she didn't know. I've struggled so much with feeling disappointed & let down by other women's lack of support and my own apparently unreasonable expectations (thinking people should support & be kind to each other). It's difficult on top of the bereavement and then the following 2 miscarriages I've had this year. We still have no children & I feel so empty  

My DH thinks the neighbour is just shy, but I'm fed up of making excuses for people. He's also fed up of me feeling depressed and very unhappy at work & isolated. I don't know what to do at the moment. I don't feel refreshed after our holiday, which we'd had to put off this year due to the ivf, pregnancies & miscarriages. Can anyone think of anything encouraging or suggest anything to help? I feel so miserable & lost at the moment


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Merlin,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, it is only natural when others seem to get so easily what we struggle for. I can't begin to imagine the heartbreak of losing a baby as late on as your little boy, and it must be painful to see your neighbour's child growing up and reaching every milestone at the same time as he would have done.

Your neighbour may not mean to be heartless, some people are just too uncomfortable around others' suffering because they can't cope with the thought that it could have been them but for luck. They prefer to avoid any reminder that bad things happen in the world, but that's their problem, it shouldn't have to be yours too.

Sometimes we just have to protect ourselves emotionally and I would politely distance yourself from your neighbour at this time. Try to form new friendships with people who are at a different stage in their lives or who are childfree. 

You mention being unhappy at work - I know that for many on this journey work is literally just a means of paying for the next cycle, but is there any scope to change jobs, find something positive to focus on that isn't another source of unhappiness?

Look after yourself, I hope you get your earthly baby soon.

B xxx


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## Guest (Oct 20, 2014)

Thank you very much for your reply Bombshell   I'm kind of stuck at work but have a place on a new course, thinking of deferring it a bit though as I don't feel I've coped very well this year. I'm sure things will change, I hope so as I'm not sure how much more of this I can face!   It gives me comfort to see others like yourself have finally had their much wanted baby   Thanks for your kindness xxx


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## Parky77 (Jan 15, 2014)

That sounds like a horrible position to be in, I know sort of how you feel, two of my close friends were pregnant at the same time as me two years ago, they went on to have happy healthy babies, in fact one of them had twins. 

They try to be nice but sometimes just get it wrong. I was actually talking about this with another friend yesterday, not my two friends the not having a baby and watching everyone else thing, whilst I was sat cuddling her 6week old baby. It's really difficult for people to know what to say or do, in my experience they don't ignore it but that constantly tell you about all the positives in your life blah blah blah. Actually all we want is someone to say yes that is ****! 

As far as what to do now for you goes, I think you need to talk to a counsellor, your clinic should be able to put you in touch with one. Someone completely removed from you and your partner who will listen to you properly. 

If work is too much consider deferring like you said, give yourself a break. 

Remember that this is possibly the hardest thing you may ever have to do, so don't beat yourself up for getting down about it. Don't shut your partner out though, this is tough on both of you, he will get things wrong sometimes but it will come from a good place. 

I hope you feel better soon xxx


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## Guest (Oct 24, 2014)

Thank you very much Parky    

I think you're right, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! Death of a baby, MC's and waiting so long to start a family - very difficult. I had a bad weekend & start of the week, one of a few blips in a difficult year. But on the tue I drove home from an evening class in my car, howling my eyes out to myself. Sometimes it really helps to get out the horrible emotion, instead of leaving it stuffed inside! Then my hubby sat down with me & talked with me, reminding me that life isn't always fair & sometimes you just have to get on with it! I've felt a lot better since then. 

I'm sorry you had a similar experience when you were pregnant. It's nice that you were cuddling your friend's baby recently though, important not to avoid them I think   I really hope things go well for you and thanks again. I have deferred my course btw, huge relief!   xxx


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