# Coming out to your parents



## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

I am 39 years old and live in a long term relationship with my partner in our own house.  While never drawing the dots for my parents about the nature of our relationship I thought it was obvious and no big deal, my parents are not stupid and I thought that we were all just doing the British thing of not discussing it.  I didn't think it was an issue, as my parents have known my partner for years and really like her, my father refers to her as “the Saint”.

We are openly out pretty much everywhere else and as our baby is due to be born in a couple of weeks it seemed sensible, and pretty much a formality, to put our cards on the table with my two sets of parents and so I clarified the situation to my mother and step-father.  While it wasn't a surprise to them and my step-father was totally cool about it, my mother has reacted really badly, she'd been dreading this confirmation, she is very upset and has asked me to spare my father (her ex husband) from the unhappiness I have caused her and not tell him.

I’m not sure what I should do.  I obviously love my parents and don’t want to make my father unhappy, plus with my own pregnancy hormones racing I've found the whole confrontation with my mother much more upsetting than I think I normally would, but somehow it seems wrong to bring our son into the world without everything being open. 

I'd be grateful if anyone could let me know how their own parents reacted when they had to face up to having a lesbian daughter.  Was your father more open to this than your mother?  How long did it take for your mother to come to terms with it, or has she never forgiven you?


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Oh Lucky, so sorry that your mother reacted the way she did. That must be really difficult, especially when you have the impending birth of your son to focus on.

I'm not yet pregnant, but have "come out" twice to my parents in recent years - once as a lesbian and then to tell them we were trying for a baby. Both times my father's reaction was much more positive than my mother's. Though she has not been openly hostile or critical to either of these announcements, I think she was pretty shocked and took some time to come round. Fortunately for me, she did her processing quietly and now seems very happy and supportive.

I know your mum is having a hard time dealing with this right now, but she may well feel differently after the baby is born - others on here I know have similar tales that ended happily and I'm sure they'll share. I don't think that it's reasonable of her to ask you to keep this from your father. Her assumption that he will be unhappy about it is not necessarily true and I feel he should be given the opportunity to deal with the news himself - I hope he will be very happy for you and your partner. If you feel that you want to be open about this before the birth of your son, then go for it.

Can you talk to your stepfather about your mother's reaction - maybe he can help her start to see things differently? 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do and I sincerely hope that your mum comes round, given a bit of time.
Minty


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Hi Lucky

Congratulations on your pregnancy. 

This is a dififcult one but you have to do what feels right for you, and I suppose take into account your sons need for openeness as he grows up. he'll all too soon be talking and outing you anyway I would think.

I respected my mums decision not to tell my dad, whilst all the time thiniking he may mind less than my mum. She did tell him herself and I only saw him one more time before he died and we didn't discuss it. I always regretted this unfinsihed business and wishes we had talked about it. 

i would say its your decision, not your mums. and its possible that she's still in shock even though she suspected. 

Good luck. 

Keep in touch with us

Heather


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## Mable (Apr 9, 2005)

They need to know and to come to terms with it *on their own * and quickly - your baby is due soon and they will all be grandparents. You and your partner will both be parents, not some kind of hidden partnership. Having a child, you need to be proud of your family and completely honest and open about it. Otherwise, the child will grow up feeling your shame.

It's not your job to support and guide them through the process of accepting you and your partner. How insulting for her to ask you to spare your father from the unhappiness of knowing the truth about your relationship. This would be pandering to homophobia.

Just read this back and it sounds harsh, which it's not meant to. You asked about our experiences, I rang mine up and told them on the phone that we were having a baby and would both be mums and let them get on with processing it on their own. I didn't do it face to face because I didn't want to support them to process the information. They had a few questions later on which we answered in a positive, firm way and that's been it. Over time, they can see that we are doing a good job at parenting and that M is happy, we have friends, we are not outcasts in suburbia.

Good luck anyway - what an exciting time for you both!
Do keep in touch with us on the parenting thread too -
Mable


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Thank you very much for your kind replies and support they have helped a lot.  They clarified what I think I always knew; if I want my father to be an active part in our child's life then I have no choice but to tell him.  My partner by the way does have a brain, tongue and opinions of her own about all this but feels decisions about my parents have to be completely mine so won't advise me herself.  

The odd thing is that my mum's known about my pregnancy for the last 5 months (that revelation also went badly by the way) and we have already had conversations where I emphasised to her that the baby would be as much my partners' as mine (though with hindsight my mother always changed the subject of such conversations immediately).  How she was hanging on to the hope we were just very good friends escapes me completely, denial is an amazing thing. Somehow I find it hard to accept that she would prefer to believe I was bringing her grandchild up as a struggling single mother than as part of a supported loving unit with a partner she knows and likes.


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## pipgirl (Jul 11, 2007)

Dear Lucky..

I came out to my parents relatively late (religious family).

I found also that my Mum had a harder time dealing with it than my Dad...in fact i think he was relieved! Dads are so bothered by the idea of a man having sex with their princess i think...

She wasnt hostile, but was unsure of how to behave and what to say, especially how to refer to us and our relationship, althought they had always suspected.
my Dad was instantly fine about the whole thing and my mum came round quickly and they are supportive of our decision to marry and have a family. They have not told their own parents as they are very elderly, come from a different culture and would just be confused by the whole thing, but seeing as they are both mid 80's and practically housebound there is no reason to tell them.

Good luck and congratulations on your new arrival to be....im sure everything will go fine when the baby arrives and they can see your family unit in practice.

Pip


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