# Devastated ... Please help me understand this



## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Girls and Boys

I'm wondering if any of you lovely people can help me understand whats going on and how I can get myself out of this mess .....
It's quite a long story so please bear with me if you can ....

Earlier this year I told my birth mother about our difficulties, in confidence, (I see her about 3 or 4 times a year and the relationship has always been difficult but I have really tried to see her point of view about why she gave me up etc etc)

Anyway, unknown to me she told her husband and my half-sisters and who knows who else - and the reason I found out was that someone close to me told me that one of my half-sister's was pg (nobody had told me) .... I waited and waited to be told but nothing until I get a birthday card from my sis saying "from bump"  (grrrr) .... when I rang up she said that she didn't know how to tell me as she'd heard it was a "sensitive subject" (double grrrr) So obviously birth mother had been blabbing .....

Needless to say I gave BM a few choice words about the meaning of confidentiality and all that and haven't heard from her since (no big loss)

Anyway, I know this is going on a bit and wanting to cut a very long story shortish ... nobody has told me that she'd had the baby (heard this from close source mentioned before) but now I hear that people close to me are keeping me in the dark about anything baby-related because "they don't know how I'll take it" or "lets not upset TLZ anymore than necessary"

I'm really angry about this, I feel I have been tarred with the pg woman/baby hating brush ... and that is SOOOOO not true!!! It's how BM portrayed me and now everyone else is buying into it .... I can't seem to convince anyone otherwise ... they seem to have decided whats best for me without even asking me !!!!

I genuineley couldn't have been happier for my HS, but all that has been tainted because of the way BM has branded me ... I feel like the lady doth protest too much and all that !!!

This is really messy because it's affecting my relationship with my sisters and I don't know what to do for the best ..... been crying all day    

I really hope I can post this here as I feel "safe" on this board, I know you all are so very understanding and I am a bit fragile today (sorry if you prefer it went to Peer Support or somewhere like that  )

Thanks for taking the time to read

TLZ xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi TLZ, hope you are feeling a little better. No great words of wisdom as not been in this situation but a few ideas to offer if they are of any use. What your birth mother did is in the past now and you have expressed your dissapointment (quite rightly) now perhaps it is time to show your HS your joy at her news. Maybe contact her and not wait for an update, see how she is and if you are ok with it ask for all the details. I always do this with all my friends and it helps them to see that I am ok with hearing about babies and children and if I am not then I don't ask. You have the power to control this so take it back from your birth mother.. If it takes a little time then that is ok, if you are genuine and consistant they will see this and be happy to share it with you.

Good luck.

xx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

TLZ

This happens with me regard to passing on information.  It is more that other people do not know how to act around us, they do not know how to speak to us and they do not want to upset us even more.  although they do not realises that they are having the opposite effect. I feel worse when kept in the dark about things.  I think the only thing you can do is speak to your family.  You need to ask yourself if you want to have a relationship with your BM or not and if you do need to speak to her how you are feeling.

Sorry you are feeling like this at the moment.  sending big hugs    

Susan x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear TLZ,
I have been in this position many, many times. People just don't know how to treat you and because they can't handle it, they try to turn it round so it's all your fault. It isn't. I guess we have to 'train' them (!) so that they can understand what we need from them. Your sister's clumsiness is just that - clumsy. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you - and she said herself she didn't know how to tell you. That she opted to do so in such a crass way - well I can't explain it, but want you to know that it has happened to me. Perhaps people just flip out and have a brain storm (?) and next minute they've posted the letter?
Anyway, I agree with Yamoona's advice. You have said something to BM (good for you, BTW, there are times when I wouldn't have had the courage to do that and it needs to be done). So now it is time to move forward. Perhaps a heart to heart with your sis would be good. I'm sure she wants you to be involved.
Having said all that, I know how hard it is. I get so cross sometimes that this infertility thing taints all my relationships and I'm forever having to 'sort things out'. But I guess in the end it is worth it as we need to be close to the ones we love. We owe it to ourselves to still enjoy good relationships with those who matter to us. 
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi TLZ

A similar thing happened to me 4 years ago when SIL was pregnant - MIL saw fit to intervene and rang us to tell us she was expecting so we could 'discuss it' meaning: she had scared DH's brother off from telling him - DH was fuming as he had spent hours around his brothers' house the weekend before fixing their pc and not one word was mentioned!

To cut a long story short, the baby was born and we were left wondering exactly when the birth would be, because no-one seemed to be able to answer the question of how far gone SIL was with her pregnancy. MIL had a birthday coming and she wanted us to all go out for lunch to celebrate. She rang the night before to double check we were going, I happened to ask DH who was on the phone to her when SIL was due. (SIL & BIL had since moved house and changed telephone no's so we had no way of contacting them ourselves as we didn't know where they lived etc). Turns out that SIL had had her baby... wait for it... 7.5 weeks earlier and not *one* person had bothered to let us know!

We were both pretty fuming, as this was her second child, we were godparents for their first, and as we had went out of our way to put SIL at ease with her first pregnancy, despite going through IVF treatment (which resulted in a BFP but sadly didn't last). Turns out MIL had been meddling and telling everyone all about our IF and how she perceived we would feel about things 

In situations like this hon, its best to try and open the lines of communication with those who are wondering how to approach you and let your BM know that she isn't the expert with what is going on with yourself in your own current situation, you are. By communicating with your sis it will like Yamoona says take control of the situation away from your BM and give it back to you.

I wish you the very best, because stuff like this is so hard to deal with on top of everything else that IF brings. It makes me sad that IF has had a knock on effect in most of my relationships with other people too, and its mainly through hearsay and not through things I have said or done 

Am really glad you felt able to post here, and hope that we have been able to offer you some support whilst you think of ways to manage this.

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone  xXx

I am truly at a loss for words sometimes with the way some people see things and the things they think it's ok to say/do ......  

Exasperated is my word of choice at the moment !

Thanks for all your support in this and your words of comfort and advice, I am considering being "the bigger person" and sending a card or something to my sis.

I have also started counselling and I'm hoping that this will help me regain my focus and alleviate some stress too.

You are all in my prayers today - thankyou

TLZ xxx


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