# aaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh



## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

before i start i would like to apologise for this long rant.

Basically we have been trying to concieve for 11 years i have been diagnosed with pcos, endo and hydrosalpinx    for the past 5years i have really really been struggling with this, and had a break down about 5 months ago. I thought i was feeling abit better buti dont think i am now      my boss is pregnant , and another young girl in my team is having twins and she is huge. She is 24 and these will be her four children. Ihave tried to be strong but if i dont right this down im gonna go mad. Both of them go on and on and on and on all day about there pregnancies. Dont get me wrong im happy for them but i literally cant stand looking at there bumps and listening to them going on about scans etc and how there feet are hurting and there bumps are growing! Its doing my head in. I went to have my lunch today in what i thought would be a nice qiuet room, but guess who came in the room!!! Yes both of them and again they were going on and on and on. I made a sharp exit and went and sat in the toilet   to try and get away from it. This will be my boss first baby and she has started to ask me for lifts home its nowhere near where i live but because im so blooming soft i cant say no, then on the way home she tells me about her antinatel classes blah blah blah. The sad thing is she knows i have problems!! 
I literally have come home tonight and i feel like screaming and just going mad abd smashing the house up.

Im sorry if i sound like a cow, and if i sound like a mad woman, i just needed to write this down somewhere

I just feel sooooo sad  

Xxx


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

You don't sound mad at all. I totally agree with you and understand completely where you are coming from.  You are not alone.


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## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks daisymaisy x and congrats on yr surrogate bfp. Xx


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

You definitely don't sound like a cow or a mad woman, just someone who is desperate for what they have, is struggling, has feelings and is hurting so bad  

Don't beat yourself up about this.  I really wish people would be conscious of those around them but then I suppose until you have been through infertility, you don't even give a second thought to the fact that people around you might be dying inside just watching your progress without having it rammed down their throat at every given opportunity aswell.

You certainly are not alone HOPEx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Hope,

Nope, you are not alone in how you feel and it's good to rant and get it out of your system as keeping it in will only make you feel worse.

Unfortunately we do have to work with women who find getting pregnant easily and we do have to listen to people talk about their pregnancy (we have had 9 pregnancies at work in the last 2 years and numerous amongst friends and neighbours) so we have to find a way to cope with this. Like Daisy has said, unless you have been through IF, you are not able to understand what people are going through.

You say you had a breakdown, how are you now and have you had any help in getting through it?


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi Hope
just wanted to say you dont sound mad at all, you sound like someone struggling with the pain this journey can bring. 
big hugs
xx


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## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I feel sick to my stomach tonight..
Barbs71- i have been trying to cope with this for years, trying to put on that fake smile.  I have stopped socialising , i have no friends asvive cut myself off from everyone as they all became pregnant and i just didnt know how to cope with it. Then my cousin became pregnant, the first baby in the family for 30 yrs, and my family didnt tell me, i found from someone in the supermarket. i felt so hurt and didnt deal with it very well. I then had some horrible thoughts and i had to call samaritans .(i havent told anybody this)  I then had a panic attack at work a few months ago as it all just got on top of me. My work called a ambulance as i couldnt breathe properly for about an hour. I have had panic attacks before and i can normally talk myself out of it but not this time. I went to see my doc the next day, she gave me some antidepressants, and reffrred me for counselling. I had a 6 weeks later to say they might have a place on a anxiety workshop but it maybe a few months to get on the work shop. I dont want this, ii thought i could have one to one counselling with a infertility counsellor. But apparantly there is nobody i can see. My gp has been rubbish i have been crying out for help for years. But the gps just dont seem to get it... So i have just tried to plod on and try and come to terms with it, but i cant. Xxxx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Hope,

Sorry that you have not had alot of help from your GP. Have you thought about private counselling? I know it does cost money but it may be the short term answer until you can get NHS counselling (go back to your GP and ask, you are entitled to free one to one counselling on the NHS). I am waiting to see a private counsellor, I cannot afford it really but think it will help me so will go anyway. I am doing this because I already had counselling via NHS a couple of years ago and it can take up to 2 months to be seen.

Also, do you think that your anti-depressants are working for you? It sounds like maybe not. I only ask because a friend had to try a few different types before she found one that worked for her.  

 

Barb x


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## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks Barb x my partner was made redundant a while ago but luckily has found a new job now so we are just trying to get back on our feet again so i dont have any spare cash for private counselling. I think i might call my gp again tomorrow and tell her AGAIN that i need some help and i will ask for one to one counselling xx its so sad because when we are going through this it sees you are just left to get on with it, and not offered any help. This really needs tobe brought to someones attention so its recognised that we need support .. x 
I have taken 3 different antidepressants as the others made me sick, i am only on a low dose as i work in a call centre and i have to e alert otherwise we get told off if are call times are to high or if we delay taking a call. 
Just feels there are barriers everywhere ..

How are you feeling today hun? Have you ever had counselling before? Xx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes, when my dad died a couple of years ago I ended up with depression, so I had some counselling which helped. I didn't take anti-depressants though.

Sounds like things are looking up for you though, with your DP getting a new job. And yes, go back to your GP and don't leave until they refers you for counselling.


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## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

Im so sorry to hear about your dad hun x if you ever need a chat feel free to pm me xx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi Hope, reading your post was like I was reading how I feel 
At the minute we don't have anyone pregnant at my office.  However, we have a few very proud nannys.  I don't mind some of the chat, but sometimes it just overwhelms me so much that I have to go and have 5 minutes in the tiolet.  One of them was talking about her 3 wonderful and perfect grand daughters the other day, and then looked at me and said 'I bet you find it hard and upsetting when I am going on, don't you?' and then continued talking about her daughter breastfeeding. I didn't know whether to cry or shout at her. 
It is so hard, and I wish I had some advice for you. So instead I am sending you some    .xxx


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Hope you are not alone, this is a heartbreaking journey and it is so hard to see everyone else around you having babies so easily.  I am so glad I have found this website as I felt as much as friends were sympathetic they have absolutely no idea how hard this is unless they have been through it!  It is really good to talk to people in the same situation.  Can you not get counselling through infertility unit, we have had both NHS and private treatment and was offered counselling from both? xx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Hopex - sorry to butt in but you need to talk to your GP again about your medication. Antideps shouldn't make you tired so if its meds making you tired you need to try yet another sort. If its depression making you tired then you have another reason to demand counselling.


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