# Am I a freak???



## clogs (Feb 26, 2009)

Hello,


I hope everyone is ok. I got my AF yesterday and BFN today,  although I felt upset I am not falling apart. I am disappointed but, I just spoke to my clinic to tell them and they suggested counselling because when most people have a failed cycle they call in crying? I am upset and wish it had worked but I don't want to get into a depression over something I can't change. I have one blastocyst in the freezer and to be honest I do almost feel a slight resignation that this will ever happen for us. I knew with this cycle  that it hadn't worked with various things that happened and I almost feel that it will never happen. I think I always anticipate the worst so that I don't feel as devastated as I did after my miscarriage.


So please give me your verdict am I a freak or just trying to get on? I also really hate discussing this with my family, with their depressed pitying voices I know they mean well but I just find it annoying and nauseating. Maybe I am just turning in to a hard nosed old bag!!!


Cx


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## jen-v (Jul 7, 2011)

Hi clogs, I'm so sorry about your bfn. No, you are not a freak! I think you are absolutely right we can shut down a bit emotionally to protect ourselves from the emotional trauma we've experienced before. I felt similarly negative about this cycle working all the way through, or it ever, ever working for us, I discussed it with the clinic counsellor, and apparently it is classic self-preservation behaviour. It helped me to know this, i.e. I wasn't feeling negative because i somehow 'knew' it would never work in a wierd psychic way, but because this is an understandable subconscious reaction to a previous experience. I can completely relate to you saying you feel upset, but also resigned about the bfn - I'm feeling the same, alternating between the two. At least it leaves me more about to make plans and get on with life much of the time, but I think I may go back to the counsellor to talk about it anyway as it was really helpful before. I don't like the idea of pity from my family either, and found the counsellor discussed it with me in a more level way. jen-v


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## SuperKitty (Jul 30, 2011)

Clogs, you are definitely not a freak!  It's just self-preservation, like Jen-v said.  Really sorry about your BFN - but I can totally relate to you not wanting to discuss it with your family.  We've just had our first go fail and (although disappointed and sad) I'm not totally devastated; I'm trying to give it some perspective and take a break from it before we try again - and family and friends seem to want to go over and over it.  

I feel like it just adds more pressure and I end up feeling like I'm trying to make them feel better about it.  I even had a friend who said that I didn't seem very sad and I shouldn't be 'scared of allowing myself to feel sadness, in case it's too overwhelming'.  

All you can do is deal with things day to day.  Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counsellor if you wanted to talk about it without anyone pitying you, if only because they tend to be a little more objective and less overwhelming than friends and family?  I was thinking of doing the same myself...  

Take care xx


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Ditto the above ladies, I'm exactly the same- self preservation... I was upset last cycle mores, obviously I'm gutted, sad, worried re future and desperately want to be a mum - but I'm scared if I let go too much , I might fall apart. 

I'm going to see a counsellor next week after my 2nd failed cycle. I don't see it as a weakness, I just would like to get sone feelings out. Ive felt incredibly let down over last 2 goes by lack of support from my friends and I feel like I've got noone to share my thoughts with. I'm hoping getting them out will ease a bit if bitterness and I can move on. 

Sometimes I guess self preservation can backfire and hit you hard later down the line- that's my only concern with trying to be strong. 

But we are all different, you are not a freak, you are just you.   good luck with everything xx


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