# Single, 43, and overwhelmed. Need support.



## Cricket2021 (Oct 7, 2021)

Hi everybody

Any other single 40-somethings here? I'm feeling very alone and very overwhelmed.

I thought that I was going to meet the right guy to start a family with. I only started letting that dream go after my 43rd birthday earlier this year and began thinking about whether or not to have kids alone.

And then in August (43.5!) I looked up the stats for my age and got some bloods done. And it was devastating. Super low AMH (1.8 pmol). No time left. And probably chromosomally abnormal eggs (who knew that that happens in your 40s??! Not me! Why didn't my Dr tell me when I went in for tests when I was 40?! I feel so stupid about the not knowing.), and who knows what else.

I'm feeling panicked and overwhelmed. I was ambivalent about having kids anyway* but now my choice seems to be either throw everything I have at a chance that is vanishingly small, or giving up, now, on having a kid that is genetically mine, and when I think about that my heart breaks. Everything feels impossible right now.

(*ambivalence.. I'm an artist. It's the only career that has ever given me fulfilment, I'm finally getting established, and I'm not sure how the f*ck I can keep doing that and raise a kid alone; I'm also in the UK while my whole family is in Canada.. and even then, my parents are both in their 80s and not able to support. I always thought that kids would happen in my life, with a partner, and it's something that I more-than-not-wanted.. but my feelings about it are complicated.)

I've booked in a consult and hysteroscopy at Serum. But everything feels like it's happening too quickly AND I'm so aware of time passing me by.

Also totally freaked out about donor sperm. I'm choosy as hell about the men I date... and here I am, about to pick the father of a potential child based on the barest of all identifying features. 

I've got a few supportive friends that I've opened up to about this, but the ones who don't have kids have chosen that and are happy about it, or they're still in their 20s (I'm so jealous of their eggs 😥), and the rest have kids. I feel like the people I'm close to just can't relate. 

I've also got an awesome therapist. Who helps me with the chronic anxiety disorders that I've got, on top of everything. Trying to not think too much about how bad stress is for fertility 😱.

I keep waking up with adrenaline thinking about how old I am now. I never felt old until I started looking into all of this. It's so hard.

Anyway.. just really hoping to connect with some other 40+ singles who are as scared or confused as I am.. or who maybe have gone through that and are on the other side?


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## London Hopeful (Sep 6, 2021)

I think I replied already on a different chat.

I've been where you are, emotionally. I think my AMH was even lower when I was 40 and I am now 43.

It will be ok. I guess I am scared as well; but you need to realise that whatever your AMH is, that says nothing about your natural fertility. My friend had her first baby at 43 and second at 46. If you can monitor ovulation and detect when it is happening then you can add sperm at the right moment. (My own issue is that I don' think I always ovulate; and then I go into spirals of negative thoughts about it being associated with the low AMH - a pointless series of thoughts.)

I found my husband at 41 and married him 6 months later. It is an incredible marriage (he is thriving in it and so am I) and, in all honesty, I have that low AMH to thank. It petrified me, but I decided I was not going to take the negative from that: I had always wanted a baby within a marriage. Other friends have responded to low AMH by doing IUI and getting a baby that way, and I see how happy they are. There are so many different ways to respond and all will lead somewhere very positive.

There are so many options. Once you are over the trauma - and for me it has certain been traumatic - you will see a clear way forward.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

I am so sorry to know what you are going through, and wish you all the best. Life is full of surprises, believe in the positivity of life


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## 45&hopeful (7 mo ago)

London Hopeful said:


> I think I replied already on a different chat.
> 
> I've been where you are, emotionally. I think my AMH was even lower when I was 40 and I am now 43.
> 
> ...



Hi London Hopeful, may I ask - did your friend who had babies at 43 and 46, were these both with her own eggs and were they conceived naturally do you know or with IVF? thanks


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## inquisitivehusband (7 mo ago)

Cricket2021 said:


> And then in August (43.5!) I looked up the stats for my age and got some bloods done. And it was devastating. Super low AMH (1.8 pmol). No time left. And probably chromosomally abnormal eggs (who knew that that happens in your 40s??! Not me! Why didn't my Dr tell me when I went in for tests when I was 40?! I feel so stupid about the not knowing.), and who knows what else.


Sorry to hear about your experiences with useless GPs not conveying any sens of urgency at all (my wife's now 42, we first visited our GP when she was 39 and they [2 different ones] were extremely blasé about her age) - I hope the feeling of being overwhelmed is calming slightly. My wife and I are going through a similar experience, even as a couple. 

Hope you have figured out next steps.


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## C1a1re (4 mo ago)

Cricket2021 said:


> Hi everybody
> 
> Any other single 40-somethings here? I'm feeling very alone and very overwhelmed.
> 
> ...


I could have written this myself, about to embark on donor egg and sperm. Being single and just turned 44, I had 2 unsuccessful egg retrievals and it has taken me a long time to come to this decision. How did you get in? If you don't mind me asking.


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## PDream1980 (Oct 21, 2021)

C1a1re said:


> I could have written this myself, about to embark on donor egg and sperm. Being single and just turned 44, I had 2 unsuccessful egg retrievals and it has taken me a long time to come to this decision. How did you get in? If you don't mind me asking.


I think this is amazing and I wish you every success x x x


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## C1a1re (4 mo ago)

PDream1980 said:


> I think this is amazing and I wish you every success x x x


Thank you


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## MommyKenny (Jul 9, 2019)

Cricket2021 said:


> Hi everybody
> 
> Any other single 40-somethings here? I'm feeling very alone and very overwhelmed.
> 
> ...



This was posted a year ago and I'm wondering how you are now? Unfortunately I am not like you - by being single I mean but I believe there is still hope for you even when you think there are none. I hope you went for it and good luck!


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