# Finding mum and dad wed 10pm c4



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Prog as per topic title about children seeking adoptive parents. Sure to be of interest to some of us so just flagging.
Gettina


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

I've set it to record, but I said in another post it's a stupid title, not every child is searching for mum and dad


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

This is how we found our LO - at an Activity Day, so it should be interesting to watch.

We just know it's going to be an amazing story to tell her in the future - the day we found our daughter!

Paul x

(sorry for gushing,  feeling amazing and so so happy, we've just got back from our 1st Intro day!)


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Ah, didn't realise it had already been flagged. Well, no harm in doing it again now it's closer! Yes, hadn't thought about the title..


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Might not be comfortable viewing but I have just seen that Monday's Panorama is called 'I want my baby back'.


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

i saw the trailer for finding mum and dad, i nearly started crying lol heaven help me when me and DP are watching it together plus when SW asks us what we have been researching and reading over the last few weeks we can add that on the list as well.

Also going to record and watch i want  my baby back too, is everyone else going to watch them both?


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

-x-Lolly-x- said:


> Might not be comfortable viewing but I have just seen that Monday's Panorama is called 'I want my baby back'.


that one might be a bit close for comfort for me tbh. but the chanel 4 show sounds interesting.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I think I'll watch it and very possibly regret watching it! Usually the way it goes with me...


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

good article here...

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jan/11/adoption-parties-best-way-children-parents-meet

looks like it could be a weepie


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

thanks Katie, ill read that when i get a chance, yeah it does look like it's gping to be a tearjerker


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

katie c said:


> good article here...
> 
> http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jan/11/adoption-parties-best-way-children-parents-meet
> 
> looks like it could be a weepie


There was a Guardian journalist at the Activity Day we attended, and we were asked if anyone minded them being there. We are just glad it wan't ours which was filmed - can you imagine!


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

It certainly was a weepy! Really hope someone adopts those adorable boys after the program. How cute were they?! So sad too that no-one was interested in them at the parties. I wonder what the effect on children like this is, knowing they are going there to find a family, but never finding one. Have to say I was surprised by some of the couples' stipulations about what they were wanting. Would like to think I would go to such an event with an open mind.


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

That was a seriously emotional hour.

I know thinking this doesn't help those children but I wonder why they reached the age they did before being removed.

I want my baby back was eye opening and v sad and somewhat horrifying too.

Wish there were better outcomes but I am one of those adopters who wanted as young as poss. Finding mum and dad did make me think I will treasure my baby now and if/when we go for littley #2 maybe we don't look for quite so littley. But they'd probably still be under school age to avoid a big age gap between them and us being too close to pensionable age when they hit the teens.

Feeling sad.

Gettina


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Wow that was hard to watch 

I wish I could adopt 3 more  Gorgeous boys who I. Am sure will find forever families soon x


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

It was very emotional to watch. They were really lovely boys, really hope that they find a family.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Very emotional and brought back a few memories.

It's important to point out that although there may be 50+ children, there may only be around 30 forever families attending.

You do try and have an open mind, which is why you would attend these events, and not all the kids have anything "wrong" with them, they may have just been looking for their forever families for more than 12 months (like our LO) and placed on the "hard to place" list.

We were approved for a girl aged 2-5 and our LO turns 4 just 7 weeks after placement with us, so she is certainly at the older end of our approval range.  Not that it matters, she's gorgeous!

The clever part of the day is that age isn't listed in the book, you have to ask the SWs/FCs if you want to know, which means you already start to push boundaries by asking them.

I do hope those boys find forever families soon, but more than that I hope the programme gave adopters some insight into the parties and they don't just take SW's word that they are for 'hard to place' and will all have medical conditions etc, and the programme also brings in adopters who will cater for the older age/sibling groups.


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## Zargus (Jan 9, 2012)

I found it quite emotional viewing and I have to admit to now having mixed feelings about the activity days.  I didn't like the "hard sell" approach by the social worker, it seemed a bit desperate to me.  Really upset me.  And when one of the adoptees made a comment along the lines of "I feel I am not choosing a child, I am rejecting children", that got me crying again as that is exactly how I feel!  I would want to take them all home if I went to an activity day.

It just goes to show that reading profiles/CPRs of kids just doesn't give you any insight into the actual children they are.  I was amazed that Connor and Daniel in particular were still in foster care.  

But I think the programme will have served its purpose and I expect those boys will find forever homes soon.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Gettina - very good question about why they remain with BF so long, our son was over 5 yrs old before being removed yet had been known to SS since he was a baby,  BM was given chance after chance and in the mean time the catalogue of incidents grows and grows, the damage done is so immense as our psychotherapist said a few weeks ago with all the damage and trauma he had suffered we may never turn a corner with him and it just makes me so angry that he was put through so much before someone did something about it


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i just watched this on the iplayer thing/ondemand certainly food for thought. Until i joined FF and read otherwise i thought all adopters chose their children from meeting all those waiting to be adopted at once. I had no idea about the existing system where they don't meet until the last minute - i think the idea of parties is good in theory but the scale of the parties seemed to make it quite chaotic at least that is what it seemed in the programme. it amazes me how many children are out there needing a forever family. i felt sorry for the foster mum in the programme with the two boys it seemed clear she would consider keeping them but her partner felt it wasn't right. Meanwhile everyone involved has their lives in limbo, which for a small child is such a huge proportion of their life.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

somedaysoon said:


> It certainly was a weepy! Really hope someone adopts those adorable boys after the program. How cute were they?! So sad too that no-one was interested in them at the parties. I wonder what the effect on children like this is, knowing they are going there to find a family, but never finding one. Have to say I was surprised by some of the couples' stipulations about what they were wanting. Would like to think I would go to such an event with an open mind.


I didn't watch it but Martin Narey was tweeting that research has shown that children who go to the parties but don't find a family, at least are encouraged that they aren't the only children like them. It must be odd for them at school etc. knowing that SWs are looking for a family for them but nobody else at school being in that situation.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

The spouses, that's very interesting, our son loves to go on meet ups we have with other adopters, he loves going to our local AUK annual meet up anything where he is with children who are like him, I also like it because you are with like minded parents and for once you don't get the raised eyebrows or disapproving looks, everyone takes everything in their stride, so I can see where he is coming from with that one.


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## Mel (Jan 1, 2002)

Is this a series of programmes on family finding or was it a one off documentary?


It was interesting even though my heart went out to the children who are still waiting for their forever families


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Think it's a three parter Mel


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## Mel (Jan 1, 2002)

katie c said:


> Think it's a three parter Mel


Thank you


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Argh, it was SO sad!      

It definitely changed my perceptions a bit on older children though - and made me feel really guilty for saying we want as young as possible    

The whole sibling separation thing really, really got to me.


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## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

I was just saying to other half, sibling groups are hard to place as so musch emphesis is put on needing a bedroom for each child. We waned a sibling group boy and girl as ee have a 2 bed house but both rooms are king size rooms and easily fit 2 single beds ect. SS having none of it so we have to have just the one which is a shame. Really hope conner and daniel find there forever home. Would of jad them in a heart beat


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

maybe it isn't a three parter after all, doesn't seem to be on next week. thought i'd read it was. unless there's going to other episodes at a later date.

it was so sad to watch, i felt all those boys had been let down being left with their birth families so long. the foster carers were lovely, i really felt for them along with the boys


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Made me cry! Really hope someone sees Connor and Daniel from watching the programme and wants to find out more. It breaks my heart when all children want is a forever family and none is forthcoming as every child deserves a loving permanent home with someone to call mum /dad. My kids are so young and we're so blessed, it does make me feel guilty in a way, but being a young adopter (under 30) having tiny ones was right for us. I wouldn't have coped with an older child. It makes me think quite seriously about becoming a foster carer many years from now when my children are much older. Our DD's foster carer was fantastic and demonstrated what a secure, loving and stable environment foster care can be. Wow, feel exhausted having blubbed my way through that!


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

DH and I are were also in tears at the end of this program! I think Connor and Daniel have already found a home as I saw them featured on Be My Parent a few months ago and when I looked again last night (DH didn't believe me when I said the boys looked familiar somehow) their profile wasn't there. 

Both the boys seemed so very sweet and it broke your heart to think of their disappointment after returning home from an adoption party, likewise the poor wee boy Scott who had to watch his younger more "desirable" little sister find a forever family and move on without him, so sad. 

Now I am not being cynical but I am certain Connor and Daniel would have had some emotional or behavioral issues that of course they weren't likely to want to show on camera, that's my only criticism of the documentary, they didn't give any sense of how hard it would be for the boys to move on from their Foster carers or how difficult dealing with adopted children's behavior and emotions can sometimes be, then again the focus of the program was to promote the adoption parties not to consider adoption its self. 

Our referee's and family watched the program and I think that's helped immensely for them to get an insight into the losses surrounding adoption, particularly that of the foster carers who often get left out when considering loss in adoption. We are hoping to go to approval panel in March and our age range is older 3-7 years, the age's that Connor and his brother come under, food for thought and we would have taken them both in a heart beat if they had been matched to us! I am certain they will have found their forever family now, god I really hope they have


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Have to agree with you weemoofrazz, those 2 lovely boys are almost certainly not as straightforward as they were portrayed! I do think it put adopters in a poor light as though they were being choosy just for the sake of it  

Still a tear jerker though x


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

dandlebean said:


> Argh, it was SO sad!
> 
> It definitely changed my perceptions a bit on older children though - and made me feel really guilty for saying we want as young as possible
> 
> The whole sibling separation thing really, really got to me.


I feel exactly the same. The program has weighed on my mind for the last few days, and challenged what I thought about older children and sibling groups. In one way, I think one child may be enough to cope with while doing fostering/adoption, but then again it would be lovely to keep siblings together and we would have room for them in our home.


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## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

We have been having similar thoughts about the sibling thing but we're also young adopters and I look really young for my age as well.

It was a heart string puller all three seemed lovely boys but I do wonder if there was more to their story that we were told.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

we were approved for up to 3 of any age but we ended up with our son who was a singley as they had no siblings on the books and didn't have any coming through.  Once we saw our son's profile and pic that was us hooked. As it happens some people were put off by our BB's back story so he wasn't as easy to place as he should have been all things considered, and he's ours and we wouldn't ever wish it differently but potentially it was a missed opportunity for a sibling pair because Councils are not joined up, it's about the regions until you decide to go on the national register.  It's a strange and very flawed system xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I have just watched this on 4 od. Overall I enjoyed the programme and spent more of it crying however I do think that it showed adopters in a slightly negative light not intentionally but out of lack of knowledge I guess. 

We went to an activity day a month before approval panel as we have and still do want siblings. They are overwhelming but I was glad we went even though we didn't find a match. Strangely the opposite to what was shown on the show there were about 60 kids there and only 6 or 7 sibling groups so 40 + kids were ruled out for us and realistically didn't leave many options for us. One idea could be that they tailor the days more so perhaps do a set sibling one for people like us I don't know but I do know trying to convince a couple approved for one to take two is neither realistic or sensible. 

All the children shown were gorgeous as were all the children on the one we went to but that doesn't make them a match for any and every adopter just because they are lovely otherwise they may as well allocate children with a ticket system. Adopter number 7 please collect child number 7   . 

Also I think adopters are over criticised for wanting a young child. It isn't wrong to want as much of the parenting experience as possible. We are approved for 2 children 0 - 5. However after a lot of talking we have stipulated we want the youngest under 2. This is because I do want to change nappies, have a cot etc for at least one of my children. This is something I shouldn't feel bad about. 

It also annoys me when people (not on here obviously) comment I'd take those boys home etc etc - well fantastic go for it. Call an adoption agency, open your home, family and friends to scrutiny. Meet the age, physical, financial, emotional and flexibility expectations they have of you and then parent those beautiful boys there is nothing stopping you except the fact you don't really mean it. Infertility is not a qualification that makes you suited to parenting a six or seven year old and fertility doesn't stop you adopting. Our community of adopters and potential adopters owe the children in care no more or less than every citizen of this country. We owe concern and financial obligation as tax payers and we owe concern and a desire for all children to reach their full potential in a loving environment as decent human beings. However finger pointing at individual adopters saying why didn't you take those children is not productive. It also is no more sensible than pointing at the director or camera man / woman and saying the same thing. 

I hope that makes sense. I obviously as a professional in children's services, a hopefully soon to be forever Mummy and most importantly a human being care deeply about all children and have massive respect for foster carers theirs is the hardest job in the world. However I disagree with a moral responsibility being put on adopters above and beyond the responsibility the whole of society holds.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

DIY Diva, that pretty much sums up exactly how I felt about it.  I feel like to a degree in that programme, and certainly by a lot of SWs, adopters who want young babies with as few problems as possible are deemed to be selfish, and in some way responsible for the problem of children in care.  I think in part that wasn't helped by them not actually mentioning any of the difficulties the children had, of which I'm sure there were many, or the difficulties older children have in attaching to their new parents and how tough that can be.

The people responsible for the huge number of older children in care are the birth families, and sometimes in part the SWs who keep giving them chance after chance after chance which results in children being taken into care much older and much more damaged than they need to be.  It's not the responsibility of adopters to pick up the pieces any more than it is everyone else's responsibility.

I overheard a conversation in the play ground the other day which essentially amounted to adopters should be grateful for any child, and also, yes, that they'd take these kids home right now.  No, they wouldn't.  Anyone can adopt, and I hope the programme does make some fertile people consider adopting an older child, but most people haven't got a clue what they're talking about and would never take on the sort of issues that adopted children can bring.

I wanted a family, I did not want to be a martyr.  Ironically, I ended up having a 19 month old placed with far more problems than a lot of my friends who had 4 or 5 year old children placed, but she is young enough we stand a good chance of helping her overcome them, and we get to have a lot of experiences we wouldn't have got with an older child.  Although I found the programme heartbreaking, as the whole situation is, I would not let it influence what I wanted in terms of my own family.

When I'm considerably older I would consider having an older child placed, if my husband wanted to - initially we felt it was something we would want to do, but I think now he may be reluctant to re-involve Social Services in our lives again.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Well said DIY diva!! +wyxie


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Wow how eloquently you both put that! We're right at the very beginning of the journey and you're right you are made to feel guilty about wanting younger children. Even as I was replying to the question as to what age we were looking at by the agency I felt guilty saying as young as possible, I felt that I had to find "good enough" reasons to justify my answer.
We have reached this point because of infertility and like most have already been through a lot of pain and heartache so why are we wrong for wanting as much of a full parenting experience as possible. You frequently hear parents discussing their childrens first steps, first words, first day at school etc and as a mum I would love nothing more than to experience as many "firsts" with my own child as I could.
I will say however I was pleased that I watched the program because it has given me another perspective on older children and I now think we will be a lot more open minded about age range. As much as I would dearly love those "firsts" and to do the mummy bit to a very little one I watched that program envisaging what it would be like not to have that but to be mummy instead to those beautiful boys.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good luck with your journey Becs. Don't feel guilty for wanting something out of becoming a parent I did for a long time but have got realistic with myself. I think seeing profiles at the other end of the process for me was the only way DH and I realised what we really wanted. (Although we may just be a bit thick lol).  I realised when looking at profiles if the youngest wasn't under two I felt disappointed. However we are feel fairly flexible about the age of the older child in a sibling group. 

Once approved your SW can and should search for whatever you stipulate. We went to panel for 2 children 0 - 5 but SW said it's now her job to search for whatever we tell her so if we turned round and said actually look for a single, boy under 12 months then she would do that. During HS SW's focus on being as open as possible then after they want to get you matched as quick as possible so the more you'll restrict your criteria the easier their job is in a number of ways because it narrows down the pool of children for them to search in. That's what our SW said anyway when we raised stipulating the youngest is under 2.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Diva/Wyxie - summed me up perfectly - are we related lol funnily enough I remember one if those profiled from BMP before being matched. I was drawn to the picture but I knew deep down our age range had been narrowed down for a reason - we'd been true to ourselves and I wouldn't swap. However like Wxyie, If our family is ready then I have always said I'd consider older just because our reasons would be different. 
X


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Wyxie, you said it perfectly. I have worked with children with disabilities and on our prep course someone asked me if that's why we chose to adopt. It wasn't - it was for the very cheesy reason that we wanted to be a fambly.


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

I just tried to watch programme and had to turn off after being in tears twice in the first five minutes. Everything I have read seems to suggest these two boys will move to long term foster care. 

I did think it was wrong they were even told there would be forever families at the activity day... Why not just say its a party ??


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