# Struggling with introductions



## Lindle (Mar 30, 2011)

Hi all

We're four days into intros and I'm really struggling. Our two little ones are brothers - F, 5 and J, 3. 
We met them for the first time on Friday and the meeting went as well as it could. F was a little stand-offish at the start but came round by the end, however, it was clear he was finding it easier to bond with DH than me. After the meeting I felt completely overwhelmed by what we were about to do and felt totally terrified at the thought of adopting these two boys, even though they were great. I spoke to my friend that night who explained that she had similar feelings after giving birth to her first child which reassured me a bit.
Day 2 and 3 of intros went well, although I did feel that both boys were bonding more with DH, wanting to sit beside him etc but F had started calling me mummy which was a positive step.
Yesterday morning, day 4, I got really scared again and we ended up going to speak to our social worker who explained it was all quite normal. We went to see the boys afterwards and it wasn't a great day for me. I didn't feel like I was bonding with F and was really upset when I came home. I spent this morning crying in the shower, totally doubting the whole thing and what we were doing. I spoke to the boys social worker and we decided to take a break for a day and see how things are tomorrow and slow things down a bit. I slept for a while after she left and woke up feeling better but as the day has gone on my fear has retuned and I just feel so so scared. I'm not even sure of what. This just feels like such a huge change and I'm totally terrified. I do like the boys and at times I feel like I can see myself being their mother and it all feeling normal some day in the future when they're settled in. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get from here to there and I'm really afraid that the match is going to fall through as I'm feeling this way. DH has been brilliant throughout all of it, as have the social workers, and he will be devasted if it doesn't work out. 

This isn't how it was meant to be. Has anyone else felt so afraid but managed to get through it?


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Lindle, what you're feeling is completely natural.  Intros are the most amazing and also difficult thing and getting through them in one piece is a challenge.  Your whole world is being turned upside down - you're going from a twosome to a foursome more or less overnight and it's completely natural to feel overwhelmed and worry whether you're doing the right thing.  Our intros started really well but then I got a stomach bug on day 3 which meant hubby had to take over a lot so he and little pink got to spend a lot of time on their own and their bond was great whereas I just felt like I was the baby sitter.  I worried we were making a big mistake and that I wouldn't be able to cope.  It did take time for that feeling to pass and I did a lot of faking it and lots of smiles, and try not to worry about how I felt and just took things slowly.  It will take time but as you get to know your boys and they get to know you, your bond will develop and the love will sneak up on you when you least expect it.  Lots of people told me that but I didn't believe it until it happened. We're now nearly five months since intros and our little pink is my world.  
Try not to worry too much about the boys bonding more with your hubby - that is quite common and there have been lots of posts about that on here in the past.  Your time will come and when it does, it will be so worth the wait.
Sending you lots of hugs and the strength to get through introductions.  They are such a stressful time but things will get easier and better once you bring them home, can do your own thing with them and really start to get to know them. Good luck


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hugs it's terrifying and more intimidating than anything ever. I read on here fake it till you make it. It's so true we are ten months in and love is growing every day but we are still learning and getting better and better each day.  I hit a tough spot about 4 months jn because I didn't love my girls still and felt really guilty. It's a million times harder to be patient and calm before love has come and you need more patience than a saint in early days. 

You can do this it's normal to be scared and in time you will get to where youwant to be. The how will just happen I promise you'll have good days and bad days but the balance will shift And some how life gradually gets simpler. Xxx


----------



## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

When way you are feeling is exactly how I was feeling three weeks ago. We have just had 2 little blues placed with us 1 and 3 and two days into intros I had the feeling you did and blow it off as nothing I then had the same feeling after they had been placed with us for 3 days. 
In all honestly I felt like I didn't want them and if anyone had offered to take them off me I would of agreed to it it was such a shock to the system and dh was doing an amazing job with the boys and I felt like I was just getting in the way and was a rubbish mother. I called my soical worker how explained I was being to tough on myself and as others that have already commented its a huge change and for a few days I wasn't sure I had made the right decision I had been fighting for this for so long and all of a sudden I had everything I dreamed of and was total overwhelmed. 
But honestly three weeks in which is early days but even now I regret saying those things as the smiles laughter and I love you mummy is the best feeling in the world and when they start taking on the things you do and say it will honestly be totally forgotten. I was worried about placement breakdown but both of us are too early in the stage to even consider that. There is so much support out there more than any other parent will get and if you need it take it it will be worth it in the end.
The fake it til you make IT I think we all stand by. 
I'm not sure if this has help but because I'm only a couple of weeks ahead I thought it might be good to hear it from my point. If you want to chat or want any more advice feel free to private message me xxxxx good luck.....your doing a great job xxx I'm positive of that xxxx


----------



## Lindle (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks so much for the replies. I just didn't expect this transition to motherhood to be as difficult and scary. It's definitely been the hardest thing I've done and it helps enormously to know that others have not only felt this way but have managed to get through it. It's a huge relief to know that you've all had the same doubts and fears and it's not a sign that it's all going horribly wrong or that I've made a big mistake. 

I'm feeling much more positive today and we're going to see the boys this afternoon. We've also agreed with the social worker to slow intros down a little and take it a bit easier which will also help. I'm still quite nervous but it has helped so much know that this is all part of the process and I'm not alone. Thanks so much for all the support, it's helped a lot xxx


----------



## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi Lindle  

I really, really, really struggled with intros! In fact, the only thing that got me through it was the fact I'd read a similar post to yours on here a couple of weeks before and knew that my feelings were relatively 'normal'. 

I didn't feel like I was bonding with DS at all, though he took to DH really quickly. He's a total mummy's boy now! DD was cute but so docile/placid as to be quite boring and I worried she didn't have much 'character'. She's SUCH a little character now though   During intros, I wasn't even sure I liked the kids (sounds awful, but it's true). They just weren't how I imagined and doing things with them wasn't nearly as much fun as I'd thought it would be. 

I was ill and miserable and tired and all the 'fun' stuff we tried to do with the kids just ended up in disaster. I also broke the foster carer's vase on the second day and one of her chairs on the 4th! I felt awkward and useless around her. I was also really disappointed in myself, as I'd spent years imagining what sort of mum I'd be (fun, patient, positive, etc.) and I was nothing like it during intros! (It did get better afterwards, but I'm still not nearly as patient and positive as I'd like to be.)

Getting home was bliss, as I could finally relax and get into a routine. The first night cuddled up with my kids on the sofa before bed was amazing  We could finally start the real 'bonding'. Having said all that, it still took a good 3 months before we all settled and really relaxed with one another!  

Really hope the remainder goes much better for you and don't worry if they take to your DH first! I really panicked about it but as soon as we got home, it went the other way. Xx


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Lindle 

DON'T PANIC your'e perfectly normal! We went through nearly three weeks on introductions and I found the whole experience surreal to say the least. Like you I too had a 'wobbler' a few days in and as others have mentioned it was only by reading posts by others on here that I realised it was actually pretty normal and even to be expected! 

We were on intros with 2 boys aged 6 and nearly 3 and both were in different foster homes. Both boys seemed to take to DH more than me and I often felt like intros were a disappointment and nothing like how I imagined they would be. 

We're now 5 months down the line, for varying reasons (too much to describe) we only have our youngest boy now. What can say though is that we absolutely adore him and really do feel love for him. Intros are so false and pressured, once you get home to your own house with no FCs or SWs in tow you really do feel different and things start to seem more normal and more like being a family. 

Be kind to yourself and please look after yourself, intro's are really exhausting and going from just the two of you to 4 and an instant family over night is a shock to the system, but you will get there in the end in its any consolation


----------



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

I could have written ur post myself, if fact I did around 15weeks ago, trust me It gets better, during our intros I felt completey disconnected from what was happening, like u I panicked,I cried, once i was even sick with the worry!!! Dd was very much for my dh and I felt completey useless and took a backseat!!! For the first few weeks I worried felt sick and again disconcerted but gradually it got easier, I relaxed stopped having such high expectations of how I should b feeling and generally started to enjoy the day to day stuff, I can honestly say now is the best thing we ever done and I look back and and c how far we've come in a short space of time!! When I felt like u and posted on here many said it was normal and offered great advice and it's what I really needed to hear!!! Thinking of u and good luck xx


----------



## Blueboo (Feb 11, 2012)

Why do they always bond so well with daddy?!!! I am mid-way through intros at the moment with 2 boys and it's fine, but they are definitely more attached to my husband than me. I think as the mum, we put much more pressure on ourselves, and analyse things much more than the dads do. I also think, presuming you are going to be the one staying at home, that it is a MUCH bigger change to our life than to dad's, as they will carry on their day to day working life whereas we will be totally dedicating ourselves to these children. One thing I have felt during intros is that I'm leading a kind of double life, with one foot in the 'childless couple having a quiet evening at home' camp, and the other foot in the 'mummy and daddy' camp, so you're neither one thing nor the other. It's like playing a part in a play, and I'm hoping that once we are home without having to 'perform' for other people, things will feel more natural. It's got to be one of the hardest things anyone could ever do, so be kind to yourself, keep talking to SW and I'm sue should be brilliant. Lots of luck xx


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Blueboo you'll have no choice! You will be hurled into the 'OMG what was quiet? what was peace? Can I even have a wee on my own?' Camp     and I don't think it changes - I'm sure sometimes I forget to breath till he goes to bed! 


My wee man is another daddy's boy. Like you say it is sooooo frustrating. I do most nappies, night-time visits, all the sick duties, daddy come in and it's like 'daddy.....who are you mummy?'  


Lindle, so glad things are more positive. I hope today is too xxx


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We had really straight forward easy intros as our wee man was only 6 months and completely gorgeous. However even I had the thought of could I really do this etc. everyone says intros are really tough but I guess it's like parenting, everyone tells you it's flipping hard but until you actually do it you don't appreciate just how much! Intros are just ridiculously hard, it's guard enough to be a big part of a strangers house for days upon days without the added pressure of suddenly becoming a parent to this strange little person. I really shocked my Mum when I said to her if took ne a couple of weeks to realise I loved little man, she was horrified as she said she loved him the minute she saw him. I think that is more worrying to be honest! As adorable as he is he was a stranger, he smelt funny - not of us and our things etc.
Once he'd been here a couple of weeks it suddenly clicked. I'm sure it's a million times easier with a cute 6 month old baby than a walking talking independent little person so I'm sure your feelings are perfectly normal! Good luck, it is massively easier when you get them home and you start to get into your own routine. Intros are so unrealistic and forced.


----------



## Lindle (Mar 30, 2011)

Blueboo, I'm definitely with you on the work thing. It's a way bigger change for the mums who are staying at home than it is for the dad's who get to go back to their normal routine after intros are over. After waiting for years to take a year off on maternity/adoption leave I can't believe that I was actually jealous that my husband gets to go back to work after 3 weeks   That shows how much I was losing the plot! But it definitely adds to the whole mix of things, it is such a huge change for us although one I'm sure I'll come to enjoy once we settle in to our routine  

Well I've had a great two days with the boys. Rosie12, you're right about lowering expectations. After reading all the replies here I tried not to stress too much about how bonding/the day with the boys was going and just take it as it comes - knowing that we will eventually get there in the end, as others have. And I definitely think it made a difference. Have been much more relaxed about things, not expecting it all to go well and it's helped relieve the pressure. Things with older DS have improved too, he's bonding with me a bit more - still prefers DH but I'm trying to see the positive side of that - means I should be able to go for a meal with my friends/to yoga etc and not feel bad about leaving them - although I'm sure those will be the nights that they decide they need their mummy!


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Glad you're feeling better Lindle. 

I was actually feeling the way you described once we were linked. I dreaded intros and early placement so much my expectations were absolutely rock bottom, honestly I really thought it would be awful. And intros are the strangest most bizarre and uncomfortable experience ever! 
Early placement is also hard, but different to intros and for me a better experience than intros. 

But now just a couple of months is and things are better, still hard some days and like DIY Diva says hard to be patient before the love is fully there. 
BUT, having said that, its no way near as bad as I had envisaged / worried about. I just can't wait until I fully love them and they fully love me, and they feel like they are really mine! This isn't the case yet, but I'm enjoying looking forward to tings to come, as well as worrying   I'm a born worrier!

Nobody in the world could understand how strange / hard / exhausting / emotionally draining it all is, I still haven't fully gotten over a virus that has lasted for a couple of months now, i'm fact it started in intros!!

Good luck, and it's great that you are acknowledging these fears etc.

Love and hugs

GG xxxxxxx


----------

