# Which adoption organisation?



## Guest (Aug 9, 2014)

Hi I don't know much about all this at all, so wondered if anyone could tell me how you chose an adoption organisation or where you contacted at the start of your adoption journey please? I suppose reading books & gathering info is an important first thing to do. Why/how did you choose an agency over local authority, or vice versa?

My DH & I are still ttc the rest of this year, but I really am fed up of waiting and not sure I can face any further MC's or pregnancy trauma. I'm off work recovering physically & mentally from my latest D&C and am focusing on getting my energy back before anything else.

Thanks xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi
Sorry to hear about your loss, I had a D&C, it was awful so I understand your pain and the need to look forward and plan. 
Like you have suggested, reading about adoption is a great starting point.

It might be worth making a list of your local agencies and local authorities (via your local council / children's services) plus any private ones, which you should be able to google and find websites for. They will all offer you a chat on the phone and you can ask questions and request an info pack. Although they will want you to have a break between treatment / mmc and starting the adoption process.

I found my local library very useful for adoption books, plus amazon, you could ask your local authority for a recommended reading list. No harm in gathering and researching at this stage

Good luck x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi merlin and welcome. i would say read, read and read! forums like this  are invaluable and there are many other too like mumsnet. 
regarding agencies, I know it's sad but I made a spreadsheet of questions and possible agencies. Dh and I listed questions we thought were relevant (waiting time till initial interview, if placing littlies, wait till prep course, wait after IVF, wait for information) and had an end column for gut feeling. I then sat down one day and systematically phoned through a load within a 50 mile radius. 

A few were written off straight away as they never returned my calls, sent info packs etc. I then narrowed it down to 3/4 and attended their open nights and arranged initial visits if I liked the open night. We ended up having two initial interviews with another two arranged but we cancelled the last two as we went with authority number two which was a neighbouring authority. 

It was the best decision we have ever made. Good luck


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi merlin

We went to our la, we never considered a va as our la was so good when I made the initial enquiry and we ent to the information evening.

I must agree, read read read. There are so many books out there to read.

Here are a few i read before and during the process.

Adopting a child (10th edition)
Written by Jenifer lord

Attachment, trauma and resilience
Therapeutic caring for children
Written by Kate cains

Adopters on Adoption: Reflections on Parenthood and Children 
David Howe (Author)

Becoming dad: a fathers perspective on adoption
By James f banks

Building the bonds of attachment 
By Daniel haughes

Good luck xx


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## Guest (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks so much ladies   That's really helpful. Mummy sunflower and Flash that's a good idea. I've always been into making lists so will certainly do that! I liked the spreadsheet/list of Q's idea and spending a whole day ringing round (& column for gut feeling is a good idea too). Macgyver thank you very much for the book lists too. I started googling last night but I think it's a bit too soon for me at the moment and I don't think I want to give up ttc yet. It's nice to know how to approach things if we decide to though. 

I've only known my DH 3 years, but being 40 in a few days, I feel I've waited a long time & we're ready for a family soon. Some of my work is with my la so puts me off a bit, as I'd like it to feel separate, personal & something new, but will do my homework!

Thanks again xx


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## Guest (Aug 10, 2014)

By the way, I noticed some of you have babies under 1 - how difficult/easy is it to be given a very young one? Do some people get priority & do you have to wait longer? 

Plus does it go against you if you prefer not to have a baby with a learning disability or behaviour problems? I work in that area and not sure me & DH could cope with it 24/7


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Merlin, it's a pleasure. I too work with special needs and that was one of the reasons I didn't want to go with my la (past experience put me off!) and secondly why we wished to have a lo with minimal additional needs. Obviously with adopotion there are no guarantees and to be honest I think most of our lo's certainly have additional needs due to the moves they have made and loses they have experienced - even if that has only been two. You have to be totally honest with both yourselves and your sw. Parenting is hard enough without having additional needs you would struggle to cope with. Sw expect this honesty and in no way at all should they judge you for being honest with everyone. 

Our lo was 5 months when we were matched with him. I know we were exceptionally lucky because unbeknown to us the link had been established before we were approved so we found out about him the day after approval panel. It really can differ from area to area. 

I know recently there have been changes to the court system which sadly seem to have delayed littlies being granted orders to allow the adoption process to go ahead. I'm not exactly sure  what they are but I'm sure someone more knowledgable will be along soon to help you out.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Merlin re littlies: if you are looking to be matched with a white baby (by which I mean under 2) without special needs or a physical disability then you are probably going to be waiting for a considerable period of time. I met sws at Exchange Days who said they would not currently take on adopters with that criteria. Many LAs are saying they have no children in that category. In fact, one of those sws said they would not have been happy taking on someone with our criteria.

That said, a couple on my prep group were matched with a 12 month old white healthy baby 
within five months of approval so it does happen.

Our bub is in a harder to place category and we were linked within six weeks of approval and matched seven weeks later


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

We found our son when he was 8 months old and he came home when he was 10 months old. The only concern we had was with a young baby there is a lot of unknown regards to medical conditions. But we knew we wanted to experience the 'firsts' so knew we wanted as young as possible.
As we said to mp, if he was our bc there would be no guarantee he wouldn't have the same medical conditions as our lo, and we would still love him and be there for him no matter what as he was going to be our son.


We had to wait two months after ap to find our son, we went to coffee mornings, exchange days and activity days. We tried to go to everyone held in our la. Just to make sure we didn't miss our lo if he was out there.
We also made flyers up to hand out at these events incase they had any lo in the system but hadn't yet got profiles for.


It doesn't go against you if you say no to a child with learning difficulties or disability. You should be asked to complete a form saying what you can and couldn't deal with.


Good luck sweetie xx


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## Guest (Aug 10, 2014)

Ah thanks very much ladies, that's really helpful. Flash I agree about the additional needs to be expected due to the losses and Macgyver I'm sure we'd love our child too regardless of any unexpected medical conditions, but glad to hear it might not go against us if we stipulated a few things. I'm hoping because of my job I wouldn't be expected to understand & overcome absolutely anything! Barbados girl I suppose if it took longer we would have more time to prepare ourselves. We might also be able to consider some mixed race babies as my DH isn't English.

Cheers, lovely to hear from you all xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Merlin,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss 

Just a few things in answer to some of your questions. Sorry if I repeat anything that's already been said but I only have time to quickly scan the replies.

I notice you say you'd like to keep your work with your LA separate and personal, just to say though that you don't have to go with your own LA, you can go with a different LA within a certain radius to your home (can't remember off the top of my head the exact distance, but it's quote far, I think it may be 50 miles). We went with a different LA the 2nd time around.

As for being matched with babies, both our son and daughter were approximately 8 months old when we were linked with them (11 and 14 months at placement). There was quite a gap between being linked to our daughter and placement due to various factors but on both occasions we first heard of our children within days of being approved!
I appreciate this is unusual, and I don't want to give you false hope as it can be quite a wait after you are approved, but I just wanted to say that it's not always the case. 

Lastly, (and I'm sure you know this already) but most agencies will want you to wait at least 6 months (some a year), after your last fertility treatment before they will go ahead with you.  

The first time around we went with our own LA, but as we were unable to the 2nd time (as they were only recruiting for adopters who could take siblings groups of 3 or more at that time ), we went with a different LA.

I called around quite a few and wrote down notes for each. You will notice they will all have a slightly different criteria, but expect to be asked quite a few questions by each one. I was on the phone for ages when I did our 'ring arounds'.
After the first couple of calls you'll soon get into a rhythm though   

Both of our adoptions were under the old system (and quite a few things have changed) so I'm not sure of the questions they will ask, but make sure you have a list of everything you want to ask them so you can compare.

Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2014)

Thank you Anj   That's interesting about trying different la's, I didn't know that. I live in between quite a few different ones so that would be useful for us. I guess la's/ agencies want at least 6 months after a MC as well as tx? Do you get blacklisted if you get pg once you've started the adoption process & would you still be able to return to then for a sibling later if that happened? I'm sure I heard of someone getting pg but having a MC and then it having spoilt the adoption process too? Lots to think about! xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Merlin,

You're very welcome 

Just to add, the scenario you mentioned in your last post very sadly happened to friends of ours lately, they were quite far on in the assessment process when she became pregnant, then devastatingly suffered a mc 
They have all agreed between them (with their sw) to now have a 6 month break to grieve and to take some time out from it all.

You are always strongly advised to use a form of contraception once starting the adoption process (it's something your sw will discuss quite early on). As our friend had never had a pg in many many years of trying (inc several IVF attempts), to them there wasn't even a possibility that she would fall pg.

Something else to consider (that your sw will also discuss with you) is that you really need to be at peace with your ttc journey behind you, and at a place of seeing adoption as your 1st choice at that particular time in your life rather than a contingency plan (as your sw will see it if you are still ttc).

At the start of our adoption journey I know we didn't fully appreciate all the reasons behind the above, but now as a Mummy to 2 wonderful children I can fully appreciate that this makes total sense.
Any adoptive child (even with the most straight forward of histories) will need you to be 100% focussed in your ability to therapeutically parent them and help them through the loses they will have experienced.

For many years I (and my dh) have been at peace with not being able to have a bc, I will even go so far as to say I am now really glad that it didn't happen, as otherwise we would not have our 2 wonderful little munchkins with us now .  
(as I type this my little lady keeps running to me for kisses ('Mama......mmmmmmwwwaaaaaa!' she says each time, lol )
I guess what I'm trying to say is that for so many reasons it's not advisable to be ttc at the same time as going through the adoption process, (for your own sake/sanity, and for that of your future child/children) as even if you didn't fall pg, your hearts may not be 100% committed. 

I would definitely advise attending an information day asap (with one of the LA's you are considering) if you get the chance. There's no obligation on your part to take things further from that point, so nothing to lose .
We found that there was so much we hadn't thought about or considered that came to light from attending the info session.  

Lastly, in answer to your question I think the 6 month/1 year wait will be taken from either tx or ttc naturally, I'd imagine they may well say the time is from your mc in order to give you and your partner some time to grieve. 

Like you say, there is so much to think about and consider, hopefully speaking to a few LA's will clarify lots of points for you though.

Lots of luck with whatever you decide 

Anj x x


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2014)

Thanks I totally agree it's only right to give 100% commitment. I'm glad it's worked out well for you, your lo's sound lovely!  Information days sound essential too! Thank you for all the helpful info xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Once again you are welcome Merlin 
Yeh our lo's are very wonderful, of course I'm not biased much 
Like most people, we had a long, hard, emotional journey to get where we are, but now looking back we wouldn't change a bit of it.

I wish you all the best, and I hope one of your calls to the LA's marks the start down the road to meeting your lo/s 

Anj x x


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