# What not to write in your goodwill and pen-portrait messages



## Beazie (Jan 30, 2011)

Hello Ladies,

I'm posting this here because I think most of the ladies in the egg-share forums are donors. I'm on the other side (recipient) and my husband and I have decided we will be open with our child regarding their conception. I've spend some time researching how DC (donor conceived) children feel about their conception and about the donor and I came across something I would like to share with donors. 

This young man had finally had access to the sperm donor file who helped his parents to conceived, but what he found what's something upsetting to him:

"I do not resent the way that I came to this earth, or my mother and non-biological father. I am very happy that I am here, living with them, and the fact that I am from a sperm donor doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I know I am here because I was wanted, and I’m thankful for that. It is not the way I got here that makes me sad. 
....After many, many years of waiting to read the files about my donor, I finally got the chance to about a month ago. It was an amazing experience, until I got to the page that had a paragraph-sized blank and the prompt: “Explain why you wanted to be a sperm donor.” 
There, in the handwriting that looks quite a bit like my own, it said: “For the money, mainly.” 
That hurt me quite a bit. He DID jack off in a cup for money, and that really stung. I know he wasn’t thinking of me, or any of his future children personally when he wrote that, but I ended up taking it that way. It made me very sad to know that this person, who I’ve wanted to meet for my entire life, who I’ve wanted to talk to and have coffee with and get to know only helped because of the money at the end."

I'm sure none of you ladies will ever write something like that,  but remember what you write in your message and pen-portrait could have an impact on a person and their family. Take time to think about what you say and in my opinion in this case more is better than less.

All the best in your treatment and baby dust to all ! xx

Bea


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## Ruby998 (Feb 6, 2012)

Aww that's really sad! I have no idea at the moment what to write but I will definitely write something and obviously not like that xx


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## Beazie (Jan 30, 2011)

Hi Ruby,

I'm sure no one from FF forum will ever write anything like that! The man who wrote it must have been very young and living in the present without little thought of the children.

I just wanted to show that they are recipient parents out there who might choose to tell their children they are DC and those children might have a healthy curiosity about the donor. I found there is quite a lot of information for parents (recipients) about donor conception, but I don't think there is much for donors to help them think about their donation. 
For example the HFEA website list a donor rights and responsibilities but this is an informative cold website: http://www.hfea.gov.uk/1962.html
The DCN website has some personal stories under "Our Friend The Donors" but there is no much else out there: http://www.donor-conception-network.org/dcn_info.htm

Good luck in your egg-sharing !

Bea xx


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