# Moving on or just pretending & secretly trying just as hard?



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Well, I'm still flapping around the moving on stage.  I think that the pain of my final BFN is getting a little less feral and raw as time goes on but it's only been a month, so I've not moved on that much.

I realised the other day, as I popped just as many supplements as I always did during my cycles and started to gently prod DH to start taking his again, that perhaps I'm not moving on quite in the right direction    I think that I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more fertility treatment but I think that I've perhaps just shifted and I'm now trying just as hard still but TTC naturally again.

I know that there is probably a snowstorm in hell chance of naturally conceiving, not even a sniff of it in nearly 5 years, terrible sperm and tired eggs, but I've not changed my habits or optimum health approach at all.

We all experience this differently and I don't think that I could suddenly go cold turkey and not try to TTC at all because I would just be lying to myself.  Perhaps I should be trying to wean myself off of all things TTC gradually though.  Maybe when I finish each supplement bottle I should not buy another even though I'm desperate too right now?  Perhaps I should throw away the surplus meds (clexane, prednisolone, progesterone and oestrogen) and not harbour naughty thoughts of self medicating when I'm feeling less stressed?? 

I still want to try  and keep trying (I feel like Nemo... just keep swimming) but I know that perhaps I should be thinking of putting more effort into healing and moving on.

Urgh, I still don't want to give up though.  I'm not ready to accept a biologically childless future but I know for the sake of my sanity and marriage that I should be at least moving onto the next level.

What did you wonderful moving on ladies do?  Is cold turkey the best way, pull of the plaster fast?  Did you keep on trying covertly but just work on toning it down a notch at a time? xxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi Molly
Sorry to find yourself in my boat 
I personally have found that it's not a straight path to acceptance- more a 2 steps fwd, 1 step back so that it comes about slowly. Like you,  I gave myself quite a hard time with regard trying to stop cold turkey and 'move on'. In truth, it meant that I ruled out any more treatment but still tried a year of supplements, a couple of months of contraception and travelling, looking into male treatment (antibiotics etc), a few months of nothing, a look at donor treatment abroad, a couple of months of nothing and now researching immune treatment on natural cycles whilst booking another travelling trip... So, I dunno- the trajectory is back and forth and although I tell ppl I have moved on (joined gateway women and went for bereavement counselling), the reality is that I still hope beyond hope but that hope becomes more realistic over time....Kate xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you so much for replying Kate x. It's not a very nice boat is it  

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, there is nothing sadder is there  

Your journey sounds so similar to mine, I think that you're right in that the hope stays there but maybe gets more realistic over time.  It's a depressing thought.  I'm not looking for a miracle I don't think but I can't let go of the hurt, I suppose that the miracle that I'm starting to search for is an end to the constant pain.

It's amazing that you've joined Gateway Women, I've looked at it a lot and am reading Jody Day's book which I've found very useful.  Have you been to any of her courses? I'd love to but just can't afford to, I might save up though.

I guess learning from her book, it is a process that takes years and perhaps it's the acceptance and realism that I need to work on.  It is one step forward two back much of the time.

Sending you a big   x


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

The boat is rubbish but I guess there are other unhappy boats sailing around us too that I wouldn't swap places with...
..haven't been on the course either -as you say very expensive but read the book and met up with a few ppl.
The fear of everlasting pain is horrible - I realise now that the pain will always come and hit me over but I'm getting better at just stepping back and observing the pain- knowing it will pass as all emotions do. I have done a lot of work on mindfulness and read Katie Byron- the work which focuses on the moment.  
The journey is painful and sometimes i long for the time before we started 'trying' and there was no black cloud over us....


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