# It's OK to stop



## Koalabear

This morning I was reading some poignant and emotional posts from Pinkpig and Babytears and I just wanted to add my kind wishes for them. So I've decided to write about how we came to STOP!

I too, along with the support of my fantastic husband, have also chosen to stop. This feels very powerful to me. I've cried for days, I've been angry, down and withdrawn from life, now I feel empowered having made a conscious step. Why? Well my story follows many similar ones on many of these blogs and forums: I always wanted a family, I was first married at 24 and nothing happened baby-wise, my then husband refused to have tests and he always pointed the infertility finger at me. Years later while on a holiday to 'save our marriage' he revealed his true feelings by saying that he wasn't prepared to fork out 10s of thousands of dollars to have a child through IVF etc. No wonder we got divorced soon after anyways! That was over 10 years ago. I spent my 30's being so careful sexually-in fear of aids and other diseases etc.-and the whole time I was also still thinking that infertility was my problem. Soon after I met my now husband at 38, I also found out via close friends back home that my first husband was on wife number 3 and still did not have any children and the reason was because he is infertile. This information brought on a myriad of emotions and anger and questions- was it me after all, why didn't I check it out earlier, and why didn't I try with someone else earlier etc... ? So to cut this story short, the additional devastating news that my new husband has an extremely low sperm count, due to mumps when he was 20yo, really did throw me onto the infertility emotionally rollercoaster with a bang! So we went through all the tests, the tedious long waiting, operations, miscarried, tired ICSI twice and didn't even make it to the ET stage and with me now at 42 years old the whole load of extra physical, financial and emotional stresses related to going overseas for egg donation, or doing more ICSI here etc. is just downright too much. The waiting is nauseating and it hurts my heart!

Socially not by my choice, I've lost the friendship of girlfriends who do have young children- yep those invitiations to sunny afternoon BBQs held by fiends with young kids dropped off very quickly once they knew we were going through IVF! I've often been the friend who is last to know about another friends pregnancy because apparently they all felt too uncomfortable to tell me in person; mmmm, what does say about friendship? I still find it quite insulting that they made their mind up about my reactions without even asking me! I've endured the conversations where new mothers have swooned over DD or DS saying "it's just the best thing that ever happened to me" etc.- and they whole time I have been so genuinely happy for them all. I've never felt jealous seeing pregnant mothers and always loved the news of a friend expecting. So I now know that loosing friends over the 'baby or no-baby issue' is often at times due to THEM not always understanding the thoughts, experiences and expectations of others- it's not me and my inability to breed easily!

I've always had strong and loving relationships with my family's children and have always looked after the babies when cousins and sister-inlaws needed a weekend to recoup or a free afternoon for a life saving haircut. I know I have a healthy attitude to all this and although I don't talk a lot about it very often, I remain informed and CAN talk openly about the infertility issues if friends, work colleagues or family ask. I've challenged my mother's old attitude that my life is incomplete without children, I can proudly say that I tried, I can empathise with other infertile couples and offer hope and listen.* I am proud to say that I am a whole woman even if I do not have children, and that my husband and I are a real family even if we do not have children. *

I have decided to hold my head up high and talk about it and stick to our decision. In doing this I am regaining my life back. At 42 years old I'm still sporty, I hike mountains, I run, I work hard and I still love babies and children. I just don't have any of my own and that is OK. I want to remain positive (not always easy), I want to be active in life and most of all my husband and I don't have to justify any of this to anyone but ourselves. I hope this gives inspiration to those who are making those difficult decisions to stop or not. It's OK and it's OK to cry to help let some of that pain out! It's OK to stop.
Bear


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## JennyB100

Dear Bear, your story gives me inspiration and yep it's Ok to stop. After 6 ICSI failures and hubby and I are over it! I loved your comment "I am proud to say that I am a whole woman even if I do not have children, and that my husband and I are a real family even if we do not have children". It's hard to move on and sometimes its a state of mind that helps us feel stronger , especially when a definite decision has been made. I wish you all the best! JennyB


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## pinkpig

Thank you for sharing your experience Koalabear, i do feel such a failure as a woman at the moment.  Reading your story has given me hope that i will feel better one day. At the moment i'm in a 'what if' mood, what if i'd not gone on the pill at 16?, what if i hadn't taken the morning after pill several times as a silly teenager?, what if i'd started this journey as soon as i married? not waited a year? What if i'd discovered earlier that i was going to be going through the early menopause at 34? what if i'd gone private instead of waiting for nhs treatment? What if i'd tried accupunture? Too many what if's, that i'm making myself angry with myself?!! and then the tears come again, i feel helpless.


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## Koalabear

Oh Sarah you are not a failure, you’re going through some really heavy emotional rethinking- aka hard times- but you are definitely not a failure. I admire every woman and couple who are facing or have faced infertility, be it 20 tries, 1 or still waiting. It’s hard and it can be lonely and physically painful. Added to the very personal expectations, emotionally we feel the pressure from so many directions: including ourselves, families and the general society- the pressure to be a mother and to have children is ‘normal’, to not have them is somehow ‘not normal’ or to be pitied. Personally and socially, like many other women who visit this great forum, I’ve felt and heard the judgements and endured some labels and unwarranted opinions, for e.g. you must be a selfish career woman, I’m someone to feel sorry for because I’m childless, I don’t know what it is like to be a 100% woman because I’ve never given birth, you’re going to be lonely when you’re old, I’m someone who made the wrong choices and should have known better or taken control earlier...

Shoulda, woulda, coulda! We are not born with crystal balls to gaze into, there are no guarantees your children will be there to look after you  and we cannot turn back time, so whenever I am told or hear these ridiculous nonsense opinions or stereotypes about motherhood, families and infertility I close my ears to them and tell myself I am OK. The most profound change recently has come about by me not using those same labels and judgements on myself, we can be our own worst critics cant we! I didn’t want to list all my infertility failures on my profile because I didn’t want the reminders, LOL!  Sarah, it’s not going to be easy, but don’t be too hard on yourself or blame yourself as it does nothing to help you heal; instead try daily reminders that you are a great active woman with lots of other things to do and a loving husband, they all help. Have confidence in you and your partners decision to stop if that’s what you think is best. It’s good to grieve and I still have the odd off-day or two.

I don’t think the pain of infertility and its loss ever totally leaves your heart, but I’ve experienced that ‘how you think about it’ can really change the way you cope and how you move on. Realistically, I’m trying to avoid what we call in this household as the IVF downward spiral...e.g. mmm, starts with maintaining hope, then decisions start...shall we spent another £20,000+ on another couple of 1-2% chances of success, put ourselves through pain, more lack of control to impersonal yet well meaning doctors, more tears, more financial debt – does this make us happy, nope!  Five months on from choosing to stop, I’ve felt the best I have in 5 years. 

We gave it our best efforts, we are not failures! 
Hugs Koalabear


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## Debs

Koalabear said:


> We gave it our best efforts, we are not failures!


That is so true! We tried ... and tried ... and tried but it wasnt to be 

Some of us for whatever reason cant even get to the tx stage - but tried to see if there was any teeny weeny chance that might have helped.

Stay strong girls - you are certainly stronger than you think 

Love

Debs xxx


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## Rowan22

Hi Koalabear and others!

Interesting posting. 
It does sound as if you did have the chance to try tx and it failed. That's devastating, can't be anything else but you seem to have made a positive decision to stop. I think if you're not even in a position to try, like us, there's an added sadness and sense of what might have been. We simply don't have the money and every time I think I might be able to save a bit from my salary, my dh finds his hours cut or he's off sick or we have some unexpected bill or other. It's infuriating that so much of this game boils down to money! Whether we can reproduce or not comes down to how rich we are. 
I don't think anything can replace not having a family, though obviously there are other good things in life. There is that agonising sense of futility and life goals denied. I can't be around little children at all, especially when they're with their parents and if you can bear to mix with them, I admire you. 
Life seems largely pointless at times. Get up, work, go to bed. Start again the next day. Repeat ad infinitum. And no, I cannot set other goals. We don't have the money for that, either. 
Pinkpig, you sound so raw at the moment. It does get better in the sense that the agonising emotions calm down and you can actually think and do something but I've found that they're never very far away. I admire those of you who sound positive and refuse to be beaten by this thing and I do think that's important, but I feel I'm fighting basic biology, a body that's still desperate to reproduce even though it can't. And of course there's all the other cliches, I have love to give, etc, etc. 
Sorry, having a bit of a bad day. Sometimes I feel I haven't 'moved on' at all and I still can't figure out any options. 
Stay strong, as Debs said. 

Rowan


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## pinkpig

Well today is another day, woke up and cried again, but not as bad as yesterday.  I feel so sad, my best friend is pregnant after 4 yrs trying, i left her a message to say that my last and final tx failed, but she hasn't phoned me back! It's like it's not important.  So now that i can't ever have children, it seems like i've lost my best friend too, all she talks about is children and now that she has one on the way, It feels like i don't fit in with her life anymore.

I'm in a panic too because I still haven't heard from the counsellor,  I've left messages and tried to ring the IVF centre to get in touch with her that way too, all this is making me more upset now. I just want some help and if it was'nt for all of you i think i might crack completely.


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## sammij

hey all

koalabear - - 

your words could have come straight from my heart.

i am still so ''up in the air' with it all -after 9 years ttc & 6 failed ICSI -i too have decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH - thats what my head says but i wish my heart would listen.

hubby has moved on very easily - for him, its no more treatment -straight into looking at adoption, but i wish i could process as quickly as that -guess its a man thing.

i too don't mind pg women - love looking after my best friends little girl, can easily walk in & out of mothercare etc - its just that thought that i will never have my own child - one of my freinds said to me ''you were born to be a mum'' & i always think of that comment & it brings a lump to my throat.

well - will be 40 this year and was dreading it tbh - but have decided bugger it -bring it on!  am going to enjoy it.

i wish i had a crystal ball that could fast forward 5 years - will i have an adopted child or not?? 

thinking of you all

xxxx


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## Koalabear

Hi girls,
Finally a moment to sit, write and say hello. Pinkpig I hope that you are feeling better and having less tears at least. Also I hope that the counsellor has gotten back to you for an appointment- how frustrating! It's good to go and talk to someone, off loading is traumatic and yet helps a lot. As for your pregnant 'friend', well maybe she is simply so wound up in her own changing world right now and does not know what to say under such difficult circumstances. One of my so called friends said she could not tell me of her pregnancy because she felt guilty- I though get over it just because you're having a baby does not mean you have to forgot those who are not 'in the club', some empathy and common curtsey would be appreciated. Our old friendships change and divide now because of children; I certainly find that hard, well to be honest I hate it! Pinkpig, even if the counsellor takes a bit longer than you want, you know you have a great support team here, we are all listening!

Well I've had two interesting events this week. One of course was a colleagues announcing a new arrival in October, which is great news. The girl quietly told me at a work drinks evening and went on to ask openly how we were going with all our baby tries- very empathetic and thoughtful approach and I personally find it hard to hate someone just because I can't have it. The other scenario was different. A grumpy work colleague at morning tea made a *****y-toned comment about my husband and I planning a cycling holiday- something like "...well, you're so lucky to be able to do that, you don't have two kids and another on the way..." and went on to rant about how childless people don't understand. Whoa she went off! Did I experience someone's jealousy for my childless free life?? Normally I wouldn't say anything but later when I caught up with her in private I said that I was sorry she felt that way and that I wasn't bragging about our cheap cycling/camping in the Peak District (hardly St Tropez or NYC huh) but BTW this was also the first holiday we've had in four years and coupled with a ~£20,000 debt accrued due to IVF I wouldn't mind trading places with her. OMG she cried, apologised (not that I was looking for it), we laughed and now she won't leave me alone- eerrk. We all deal with this infertility issue differently, with no right or wrong way. I guess for me at the moment I am about defending my position positively to myself- meaning we tried our best, I am OK and I've gained strength from my decision to stop and remain active and healthy.

Rowan I get what you say about the added sadness about not being in a position to even try, especially if it is solely due to money (as if the biology is not enough to crush the heart!). So much boils down to money. We have racked up so much debt and to enable our attempts: I worked a full-time research job at a University and then stocked shelves at Tesco at night, took in dressmaking and ironing on the weekends, gave up any dreams to ever buy a house etc., sold the car (cycling everywhere kept the BMI down at least). The sacrifices were still was not enough. To be honest, the demand on finances was the prime reason we had to stop. We were losing our lives and hating it and I was cracking under the stresses.

Hi Sammij, wow 6 ICSI attempts, you gave it a really good go! Yeah the heart takes a while to agree with 'the stop' doesn't it. I too still find my heart wrenching towards intense sadness. But as you say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Who knows what our men think too huh? At first I thought my husband was all over it and he also sprung quickly towards the adoption option, yet sometimes he surprises me with the odd tear and frustrated anger over the feelings of the futility of this whole situation- they hurt too. Well on to good things, congratulations about the upcoming 40th- yep bring it on and celebrate with reckless abandon, cake and bubbles.

Perhaps we should start a thread along the lines of, "_The five great things I did today/this week to get my life back_" (after dealing with infertility). Who is first?
Oh dear I see I've written another essay! Lovelies, I hope you all have fantastic weekends and thank you for your support.
Hugs Koalabear


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## AnneS

Koalabear,

thank you for sharing. Your writing (an the replies from others!) is truly inspiring. I understand the pain (see my signature) and we, too have decided to stop. It feels good.   

I might delete my signature - it starts to feel like a weight I drag around with me! 

Take care everyone. for those of you who are hurting: please stay in touch on FF, especially those times when you are hurt or disappointed by the people around you. You deserve better. 

Anne


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## charlie_44

Hi Koalabear and all you ladies   

Just reading your posts with interest.  

At first I did feel like a failure and that I was 'giving up' as being quite competative it was hard to take when treatment didn't work (or did but then was cruelly snatched away) but I now see it as moving on - though I still have my moments I tell you, probably always will. 

Why do so called friends behave like they do   I've lost some along the way but then they were never true friends I guess    I also made a couple of good friends going through IVF but they were the lucky ones and had babies and now I hardly hear from them.  I was always supportive of them and was happy to be around their babies but I guess they've moved on now from me, I know things change for them but I always thought support worked both ways   

Thinking of you all


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## Babytears

koalabear - you give me hope to be able to move on. i love your optimistic attitude and how you dealt with that work colleague?! you need a medal!! the mood im in at the moment i would have told her about herself but you dealt with it with dignatey and good character well done you! 

i know we have pmed already but you sound like youre doing ok as well sammi. i just cant believe you put yourself through 6 icsis. im crushed by 3 ivfs. like you my oh has already moved on! hes says thank god thats all over. i need some man feelings!!!

pinkpig - you are at the very raw stage i think im just beginning to get over. i had everything youre feeling after my second fail. i bawled for 5 months everyday. i was filled with rage to, panic, frustration. mine was for unexplained infertility. i couldnt deal with that, how the hell could it be unexplained?! we got a credit card (as well as a new and high mortgage) and went to see mr g for immunes. we have a dqa match so i felt better for knowing why. i have cried everyday now for a week and starting to feel a bit better. i have never cried so much in my life, i didnt know i had that many tears to cry but you have to cry until you cant cry any more. im still crying (like about an hour ago) and it does help. i spoke to a counsellor today but didnt find it much help but would have done probably after my last fail. i now need the girls on here that really understand my postion. what is clear is that we are all going through the same emotions so at least we know its all normal. what the counsellor did tell me was that we all reach the raw devasation stage at different stages and mine was after my second round, yours is obviously now. you have to go with it and keep popping on to here whilst your grieving. im just moody at the moment and extremely sensitive! im taking everything to heart and all in the wrong way, then i cry and feel a little relief. just keep letting it out!! big cuddles xx

rowan - i was in the same position to. my ohs business went down just as we got a big mortgage but we got a 0% interested credit card and went for immune testing. is there no way you could do the same? we are in debt big time but i have piece of mind we tried everything we could. of course we could sell our house and go again but we have reached our limit and you need to reach that to help you deal it? 

love to you all xx


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## tribble

Koala bear - I like your style, lady.
My counsellor tells me I;m getting part way through the angry stage & going into sadness stage - so am probably not quite as strong at the positivity thing.
But I think 5 things is good to aim for - getting your life back, so here's my try:

- went up the allotment straight from work, sat in the sun, did a bit of pottering & had a short snooze in the sun (heavy week at work!) - couldn't easily do that with kids
- booked a facial with a voucher a friend gave me
- laid in the bath with a glass of wine after a long day at work
- chatted to DH about a holiday next year - looking at cheap flight deals
OK I'm working on the fifth one still but it is only Friday

Have also got a book from amazon which is just for people that never had kids, nothing about adoption etc - there's a ton of books already for that. This is helping me as making me feel less of a freak.
Koala, keep up the good work, not every day can be a good day, let's aim to get to more good days than bad ones where possible

love toe veryone
x


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## brightspirit

Hi  girls
Hope you are all well and guess I just wanted to add the thought that further down the line We now feel the treatment failed us and that our life together is no better no worse for not having children it is just what it is.
It takes time to work through the many layers of hurt and for me becoming a Yoga teacher has taught me that many of us have experienced sorrow but hopefully we can learn to experience joy together as well so as Koala Bear says seeing children will become a joy again and  I  have a lovely Godson from these boards !!
I am running a workshop on Moving on Letting Go soon see my post on main board where the aim is to get together/have some fun and keep moving forward ...Come and join me or tell someone you know who might like to come     It does get better honest !!!
Bright Spirit


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## Rowan22

Hi Brightspirit,

I think you're perfectly right that the treatment fails couples and singles and it isn't the other way round! This needs to be said loud and clear! It fails too many couples, despite its high price tag and I find it rather worrying that so much of the time the clinics don't know why. Anyway, it's not (at present) an option for us. 
I do yoga, actually, though the class has stopped for the summer. It does help and I suppose any form of exercise helps, in that it does release stress and muscular tension. Can't make it up there though, I'm afraid; we're in the east of the country. Great idea, though.
I'd disagree with your final comment but you're a lot further on than me! And no, I can't even hear my neighbour's little boy's voice without flinching, let alone want to play with him. It hurts. I'm still at the stage where I can't stand the fact that some women have half a dozen kids and we haven't even got one. 
Meditation helps, too and yes, it reminds us that sh*te is a part of everyone's lives. If I could have chosen, I wouldn't have settled for this particular form, though!
Hope you get some people for your class.

Rowanxx


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## Shirley1975

Dear Koalabear

Thank you for making such a posting, We made the decision yesterday evening after a call from our consultant saying that yet again I have not responded to the drugs so not got to egg collection stage AGAIN. This was our third try at ICSI and now our last. I spent all evening crying in bed with my DH feeling helpless. He knew he was upset by the outcome but said that he was upset seeing me so broken, knowing it was me that had gone through so much to get to this stage. I have had four years of surgery trying to get me healthy for ICSI, every time we started to try i would need more surgery. I have severe endometriosis that has resulted in sections of my bowels been removed and both tubes, and more cyst than i can remember.

So last night we decided We had had enough and needed to move on. I feel so guilty for making this decision. Your posting made me realise that my feelings of kind of relief are not uncommon. I feel relief that now i can focus on me and DH enjoy our time and spend money on holidays not constantly saving for ICSI treatments. We have chatted about all the things we can do, and are really going to try and do things that having children would have restricted us from. So months abroad are on the cards.
A little part of me will always be mourning by un-conceived child. The one we will never have. Is this strange to mourn something you never had. but thats how i feel.

thank you again for the posting it has meant so much.
 
Shirley


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## JDP

so reassuring hearing from other people in the same boat - just found out my 3rd round of ICSI failed last week. Because of my age wasnt eligible on the NHS so had to pay for everthing - dont honestly know where they expect the average worker to get the money from (thank goodness for 0% interest free credit cards). The last 2 rounds i was obviously upset but because i knew we could have another go it wasnt too bad but this time was the final time - dont want to go anymore in debt and honestly dont think i could go thru it all again so it has been worse for me. Crying all the time, hardly sleeping just coming in from work and barely speaking to my DP having my tea then going to lie on the bed all night. I havent got to the stage in my head when i know for definate that THIS IS IT.........but i know i will given time. My DP thinks i should go and see the fertility counsellor but not ready for that - have to be more civil to DP but honestly cant and i feel terrible about that. I am starting to resent him because he has a daughter (who was conceived in the first month of trying - thanks for that) and i know i shouldnt but i cant help it at the moment.  I dont want to end up a bitter person who resents everyone who has kids but its so hard because the natural thing is for people to think you can have kids (especially the "mothers" who have them) and they dont even think about the fact that maybe you cant.
wish i could fast forward 6 months and be in a better place.............


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## Mamaji

Okay ladies ... let's say it loud and let's say it proud it's my new mantra which i say after I have brushed my teeth each morning as I look in mirror:  FROM THIS MOMENT ON I ACCEPT THAT I WILL NEVER CONCEIVE MY OWN BABY. I ACCEPT THAT MY LIFE HAS OTHER AMAZING THINGS PLANNED FOR ME.  I LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM AND WHO I WILL BECOME.  I ACCEPT THAT SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE HAVE TO EXPERIENCE GREAT LOSS IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE GREAT LOVE.  I WILL TREASURE THE DREAMS I HAD FOR MY PRECIOUS BABY AND THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR US.  I CHOOSE TO SEE THE BEAUTY AND THE GOOD IN EVERYTHING AROUND ME.  

We realised that treatment wasn't an option for us (financial reasons) and that we could have found all sorts of ways to get in a huge amount of debt in the hope of having a baby.  We decided to say NO to false hope. ....... having read so many stories on FF of women who hoped for so long and had so many failed treatments...... we chose to place our hope somewhere else.  I have had maternal feelings since I was a child, have always felt that it was my real job and that work that I have done has been preparing me for all the challenges that motherhood would bring.  I accept that I am ready to go through the job application, I am ready to go ahead with the foster carer application.  I know for sure there are children out there who have experienced huge loss in their lives ... I accept that the journey of grieving my own baby has given me the understanding needed to support and love any children that will come into our lives.  I am also preparing myself for not getting "the job" .... not sure how I would deal with that one ...... not there yet... stay positive ..... channel the hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love to everyone


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## badswimmers

Interesting reading all these posts.

Certainly makes you feel not alone as a childless couple.

With regards to the original thread starter it seems you are thrown together with partners/husbands that might have issues but also should be able to help you get through it.

That's how we feel anyway. Obviously by nature of the name I have bad swimmers and my partner has never been regular with the AF.

We feel we are like two peas in a pod and it was meant to be that our issues are shared and if you could call it "blame", then neither of us is the sole cause of the fertility problem.

Yes it makes it virtually impossible to happen naturally but at least we both understand.

We are at the coming to terms stage today after a second failed icsi and it is helping reading all these comments for me, even if they are the womans persepctive.


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