# How much behavioural allowance can you give an adopted child?



## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi,
we met our prospective 22mth old little girls fc's on Friday and it seems they have been spoiling her. The fc admitted this and said that she was soft on her and allowed her to get away with most stuff.

Things like not putting her to bed, they have allowed her from the start to fall asleep on them and then they put her to bed once shes asleep as they say if they put her to bed without falling asleep on them she cries and cries. 

I know some of the behaviour she will show will be down to her age etc but how much can we overlook as she is adopted and how much of it can we try and overcome and deal with and set boundaries?

Julia


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

Forget the bit about being adopted, this is your DD to be and you have to do what is best for all of you.

You may not want to carry on what the FC has been doing which is fine for once she has moved in with yourselves.

What is hard is that they may do things that you do not agree with, such as the falling asleep on them and then carrying her to bed.  You may find once your DD moves in with you that this is the best thing to do for a while BUT I really do think there are other ways of settling a child down to sleep rather than falling asleep on yourselves.  I know Cindy may have something to say about this as if I am right she has had problems getting her children to sleep (sorry if I'm wrong Cindy).

Your right that a lot is to do with age & she will test the boundaries even at this early age!! 

Start as you mean to go on!

Good luck and hope intros go well.

Love
Andrea
x


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Thanks Andrea,

i wasnt sure if she should be treated differently as she is "adopted".

and yes, the issue with the falling asleep, we will "allow" this for a while as it will be too much for her to change straightaway but will after a while get her into a routine which is best for all of us.

Do you think books like Super Nanny and any by Tanya Byron are any good?

Julia xxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi
Our first daughter was 20mths when placed but luckily she was in a brilliant set routine with the FC's so we just continued with that.
When our second daughter arrived at just 9mths, it was a different story entirely.
She was spoilt to the core (which I don't particularly blame FC's for, but sometimes it's too much), and she slept when and where she wanted and although I wanted to follow their footsteps as far as we could to maintain as much peace as possible, it would've been making a rod for our own backs.
On the first night she was put in a cot in her own room for the first time, awake. She screamed! And I cried, and cried and cried, it was horrible. When she was awake and I stopped her from touching the fireplace, she'd scream in temper that I was stopping her. I knew then that she'd clearly been allowed a free reign in FC's home, and they'd picked her up at every wimper.
A good friend of mine who fosters, told me that every baby or child that comes to her is put in a routine for sleep and feeding from the start, whether they like it or not. She told me to ignore the tempers and carry on, and baby would soon follow.
It was tough, I can't deny it, but she was so right.
Within one week of being home, Babyroo was going in her cot for 2 naps a day - no crying, no fuss, and again at bedtime, fast asleep within 15minutes. And we could all see immediately the change in her moods, she was so much more settled and content at having a routine, and knowing when teatime is and bedtime comes after bathtime.

I know we want them to have a smoothest transistion as possible, but at the same time, they have to fit into your family's lifestyle. They are your children and abide by your rules.

I have tried to forget about them being "in care" children. I don't know what part of their behaviours come from past history or their age and normal development. I compare them to their peers - children who are at nursery with Missboo and babies who are same age as Babyroo.



Ooh, just a min.... yes I've got the supernanny books and think she's great! And I love Tanya Byron and wish I had a book of hers too!!


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Thanks for the replies, you have both put my mind to rest, i did wonder if we would be frowned upon as we werent willing to carry on fc's routines.

One last thought, apparently when she has her afternoon nap she again cries if put in her cot and either just lays on settee or on floor, this is also something else i want changing so what im asking is.....

is it normal for 2 years to have afternoon nap in cot or do the majority of them fall asleep on sofa etc? or is this a stupid question

Julia


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

i agree with what the others have said, our ds was very spoiled (although only 14 weeks old) but i don't think you need to point out the different things you will do (there's no need to distress the fc, she will be worried enough about the transition for your littlie iyswim)   but maybe at the review you can let on the changes you have made and show that they are working  

pam xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi coxy,

i have just posted quite a long post and it has got lost 

So will start again but maybe not as long.

I think what the others have said is right about routines as the child needs to know where they stand to make them feel secure, I however still rock my little one to sleep (21months) with a bottle of milk at night, she enjoys the comfort and it doesnt take long (about 10 minutes).

I would focus more on the attachment process between the two of you and this wont be an instant thing from your little ones point of view, I am assuming she already has formed an attachment with foster carer? she will have to build one again with you and will grieve for her foster mum - you might have to do some 'babying' with her for a while as her needs will need validating in order for her to trust you - therefore I wouldnt incorporate any drastic changes for a good while (sorry if others disagree here only my opinion).

I did put a lot more in my other post but my neck is aching and cant remember what I put! Please try not to focus on the right way and the wrong way and super nanny etc believe you me when you get your little one home all those ideas will go out of the window, and yes most toddlers do need an afternoon nap and you will need a break and a cuppa!

Good luck and take care

Dawny
xx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Coxy

My DS is 23months old and sleeps in his cot if at home however will sleep in his car seat or pushchair if out however never on the floor/sofa- we are lucky as even though spoilt he had/has a good routine. his FC said he would only sleep in cot however i have proved this to be wrong!

I treat my 2 as if we had always had them, we do make some allowances at times however we dont treat them any differant to any other 23m and 3yr old!- we were advised by a senior manager within our LA to be firmer with them as its easier to loosen the boundries then tighten them! from day 1 we have had to tell them off when being naughty (which is not easy!)

Just remember your her parents not her friend- your there to raise her and having a good routine may be what she needs.

I am not sure how to word this so i am just going to write it and hope you get what i mean- i dont feel sorry for my children for there past- i cant change it however i/we can change the future and its us (DH and i) who have to live with the way we raise them-i dont tell people we meet now that our 2 are adopted (unless i have to) as i dont want them judged either.

hope this helps and makes sense as i have typed while DD and DS play!

xxxx


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

thanks again ladies for posting and yes M J i do know what you mean!  im hoping to get a few things sorted i.e.

Going to bed and falling asleep in her cotbed

Making her stay seated during mealtimes and not let her insist on wanting to get out of high chair once shes finished eating

Having the afternoon nap in cot bed, not on floor or on sofa

screaming the whole way round supermarkets!!

wow, quite a list!

Julia x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi coxy,

Sounds like you have had lots of good advice and I am sure you will be fine once you have your little one at home with you everything will slot into place and certain things you thought you were going to do you may change your mind and vice versa, I would just like to say that I dont treat my little one any different because of her background but I am mindful that she hasnt had the best start in  life and there will always be that 'extra layer' with adopted children wether we like it or not.

Looking forward to hearing about your intros and beyond..............!

Dawny


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Julia, looks like you have had a lot of good advice already but I'll just add my penny's worth.

As Andrea says we have had sleeping problems and from my experience you are best to try and get your routines sorted out early so that they suit you not so they match the FC's.  With DS, although they put him down awake, the FC's used to put a bottle of milk in his bed and leave the radio on in his room.  I had read that leaving milk bottles in the cot was not a good habit and stopped that straight away and although we had a radio in his room for the first fortnight soon ended that with no problems.  We did have to do controlled crying with him but it didn't last long and he was soon in a good sleep routine.  At your daughter's age he was sleeping 11 hours a night and having a 1.5/2 hour nap in the day.

Unfortunately for us DD was a different kettle of fish as her FC's used to put her down asleep in their room after she'd spent the evening in her buggy.  We tried her in her own room a month after she arrived but she literally screamed the place down (and my DD is very loud  ).  If we had been on our own we would have stuck it out longer but because she was waking DS all the time and everybody was exhausted I admit we took her into our room.  That said we went on holiday with two other families in May who said that we should try again and not to be too soft with her (DH was particularly guilty of this).  Following the holiday we had another go at putting her in a cot in her own room and did the controlled crying again (we sent DS to sleep at our friend's house for the weekend) and it was cracked in two night's.  We are still exhausted because she still keeps waking up around 5am but she no longer wakes continuously through the night and will happily go down awake in her cot.  

We were a bit sensitive to the adoptive issue, especially with DS having AD, but really all children need routines whether they are adopted or not.  In fact I have a How to Help sheet on the pinboard for DS's AD and the fourth item says "Structure and Routine".  What we have to bear in mind is that the routines have to suit the whole family not just the children. 

I'm sure once you get her home you will work out what is best for you all.

love
Cindy


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Thanks for all the advice ive had today, you had made me realise that these problems can be rectified by ourselves, (fc said she had tried without success but then again i dont think fc persevered).

you have certainly put my mind at rest and i can see how these problems are normal for a child and that they arent there just because she is adopted.

Hope you lot are on hand when it comes to potty training!   

Julia


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Julia, don't mention potty training!!  
I was stressed to the max when training Missboo, but so confident I could do it again, and even though Babyroo is less than 1, I'm already dreading that stage again!!   I'm sure it'll all come flooding back (the confidence and experience I mean, not the stress!!)  

About the afternoon nap, really the baby will tell you when she doesn't need it. Missboo came at 20mths and was used to a 2hour nap across the middle of the day... and I loved it! It was the only bit of "me" time I got!! But I got too comfy with it.... she was a little over 2 1/2 I think when she'd suddenly wake after an hour, and then half an hour (and I'd be willing her to go back down!!). So now I'm loving the 2-3 hour nap that Babyroo is currently having, but I know this time to make the most of it and remember it wont last forever!!


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Julia

It sounds as though you have a lot of work to do getting your Littlie into a decent routine, it will take time and persistance but it will happen.

We don't treat our ds any different to any other 2 yr old, he hasn't suffered any of the abuse or neglect that a lot of children do, but we have had to put in firm, consistent boundaries and 9.5 weeks on he is learning that screaming at me won't get him his own way and that when I say no I mean it.  Luckily he is very good at going to bed and once there doesn't get out of bed until I go into him the next morning but other than that we have had to build him a routine from scratch.  He is 2yrs 5 months now and still has an hours sleep most days otherwise he is falling asleep having dinner at 5pm!  I put him to bed for this nap and wake him up after a certain time rather than wait for him to wake up naturally.

Like MJ we don't tell people ds is adopted unless we need to as we don't want him to be treated any different.

Potty training is next on the list after our holiday but ds only poos on the loo already so we are someway there.  At first he had 'signs' of when he needed to go so we put him on the loo, then we got used to roughly when he would need to go and now he tells us when he wants a poo.  He knows when he is weeing as well and sometimes asks for the potty or the loo but I want an 'easy' holiday without the worry of accidents.

Your Toddler Month by Month by Dr Tanya Byron is a good book, goes from 12 months up to 4yrs I think (without looking)

Good luck!
Love
OT x


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