# The body which lost his children



## star_catcher (Jul 24, 2015)

I have been with my oh for 15 years. We spent 10 years trying for a baby. Multiple IVFs, several operations, so much alternative treatment, diet plans, therapy. My body rejected every attempt we made. Last summer we were told by the fertility doctor there was nothing more we could do. We both agreed to have a year out then look to adopt. We had some therapy. We took a holiday. We started to make new plans.

My OH is as loving as ever, he buys flowers, cooks my favourite meals, talks about when we will grow old together.

But he won't look me in the eye. The sight of my naked body makes him think of Hitler. If I try to seduce him he laughs in my face and says my tricks don't work on him now. If we have sex and I get aroused or wet he responds with disgust. I don't remember the last time we were intimate, and he didn't lose focus physically. He has rewritten the story of how we got together to say I tricked and trapped him. A few months ago he told me he does not see the point of sleeping with me now I can't have his children. We went to couples counselling and he denied he had said that. He makes constant jokes, in private and to other people, about me being broken and crazy and unstable. When I say I feel hurt he says it is because I am oversensitive. He refuses to talk about the physical things going on with him or to accept that he might be struggling.

I understand hatred of my body - I went through an intense self-blaming after the second loss. Maybe this is a phase of grief he is going through. But it's been 6 months. What if this does not end? What if I will always now be the body which lost his children.

I don't want to walk away from my marriage, but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who can't look at me and who blames me.

Has anyone else got through this?


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

Hi there ,  

I am not in the same situation as you but I feel alarm bells when I read this  - about abusive behaviour ( coercive and controlling behaviour ) .  This is illegal but extremely difficult to prove and for people to be convicted for . ( I have have been the victim of abuse and was always impossible to acheive any justice so never did ) .  In some ways it sounds psychopathic too.  I also see gas lighting from what you write. 

Womens Aid comes to mind  - they have a website and you may be able to speak to someone or at least email ? 

It sounds like you have gone through so much on your fertility journey and you mention adoption.  I havent gone through what you have as I am single having treatment although I did have IVF previously with an abusive person .  I was trapped at the time. I think it is really positive that you are writing and asking questions and being open . I hope that others have some things to suggest also ( might be more useful than mine ) but I do feel alarm bells tbh.  Take good care x


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## ZC (Mar 14, 2016)

You are not broken. But he might be. There are elements of coercive control here. His behaviour is unacceptable. You are not responsible for any of his behaviour. 

You sound like a beautiful loving person. Please talk to your GP privately who will refer you to someone who can help. Just for yourself for now. Start there. 

X


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## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Star_catcher I’m so sorry you are going through this, although you say he is as loving as ever it really doesn’t sound very loving the way he is behaving & I agree with snowdropwood that his behaviour rings alarm bells to me. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? It’s a difficult time with everything going on at the moment but this doesn’t feel right to me, please stay safe & know there are people available to listen & help, take care  

Amy xxx


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## star_catcher (Jul 24, 2015)

Thank you @Amy76 @ZC and @snowdropwood

I know the behaviour and comments are completely inappropriate. I also know it is out of character. My OH has never been violent or threatening or physically controlling and the shaming and rejecting behaviour is new this year. While he denied some of it in therapy I have also seen him make changes. I do not feel unsafe.  I do feel hurt. I do want to know if there is a way back from here.
I am aware that during lockdown, there are many many people living with domestic violence and not enough services to offer that much needed support and I honestly don't think I am a priority for that.
The specific behaviours I describe are not loving, I know that, I also know that there are many other behaviours and interactions between us which are.
My own alarm bells have been ringing. This is not something I will tolerate long term. But I really hope there is a way through this for us as a couple.


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## Opossum (Oct 8, 2015)

something sound normal to me:

after 13 years of trying sex hold no huge appeal to me either and im not super kissy etc... which I think is fairly common with long term relationships never mind one that have faced years of unsexy testing and regiment sex (but no one should act with 'disgust' and should 'laugh' at their partner)

something depend on you as a couple:

the trapped thing could be joking (I always joked DH trapped me) but its always been an joke with us not a sudden shift


but some are red flags:

comments about you being broken etc... are just not acceptible


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. No one and I mean no one deserves to be treated in this way.  However, you do know your husband better then any of us and you are saying that this horrible behaviour is totally out of character.

What I sense here, is that he is blaming you for not giving him children and has resentment, issues towards you about this.  In all honesty, it needs to be stopped now.  Whether you suggest the counselling again or tell him you need to separate and have some time away to decide whether you can try and make it work.  You need to do something.

Abuse does happen and can be a slippery slope and start at any point in a relationship.  So just be aware, that what has happened here, could change the way he feels about and sees you.

X


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

Hi Star catcher , 

I am sure that you have been through a lot on your fertility journey and continue to find the right way forward for yourself - times are awful all around with cancellations and no one knowing when treatments will resume etc or plans around adoption and / or moving forward .....

For me , when i was the victim of co ersive and controlling behaviour (for 6 years ) ( had ivf at the time too ) I wish I been clear with the GP or asked for help / support / was clearer with friends etc but I think part of the cycles are that there are good times / shame / hope for change / stigma/ denial  - the list went on for me .....  The emotional damage was far worse than the physical  - not saying any of this applies to your situation of course  - just some of my  thoughts........

Really best wishes with everything at this awful time, so difficult for the community of people having/ had treatments / fertility issues. My treatment is cancelled and devastated  xx


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## aster10 (Nov 4, 2015)

I nearly cried when I read this. It is difficult to see you say that he is as loving as ever. And then say that he compares you to Hitler. And says all these other things. I wonder if you can consider individual psychotherapy - it may and should give you more strength to evaluate the situation (for your own benefit). Although a part of you may find it embarrassing- something that a broken person would do, as your husband suggests. But then he’s also the one comparing you to Hitler so let’s not believe him. You can do it privately and not be a burden on the nhs (it’s difficult to get it on the nhs anyway), and it’s not super expensive really.


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## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Star_catcher I’m glad you do not feel unsafe at the moment, emotional & psychological bullying is still not acceptable, please take care & know that we are here for you, stay safe  xxx


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## Mees_2020 (Oct 12, 2019)

Hi Star_catcher, 

I'm so sorry to hear (just a little part of) your enormous story... You sound to me like such a loving partner! You both should be very proud having survived such a battle. You've had to deal with the most painful on earth... no child of the 2 of you, no experiment of what the genes would have become if you mix them... It must have been hard. So yes, I do think you two are a priority of the medial/psycholical assistence.

No, of course it is not okay if one of you is treating the other with pain. But you are talking, you take a lead. You fight for you and your husband. That's a good thing!

Maybe there is something like a trauma build up in all these years or a heavy projection of his pain? I would look for help and I would at EMDR too. It is a therapy used if traumatic events happened and it works good and it works fast. Most people benefit of a few treatments.

Take care, you must be such a strong woman,
Mees


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