# heartbroken: one last embryo to go



## Cassandra2015 (Jul 14, 2015)

I haven't been on this forum for a while. 8 years ago, when my lovely son (now 7 years old) was conceived through ICSI, I found FF extremely helpful and I want to extend my thanks again now, so many years later, to the encouragement and support I had received then by so many lovely ladies (and the moderators).

8 years down the line, it seems I am about to reach the end of the line, the end of the dream of having a second child. Here is my story, briefly.

I am now 42. Conceived my son through our one and only attempt at ICSI in 2007. Our son is now a lovely, active 7 year old. During that one cycle we also had 4 blastocysts which were frozen. For many years we went back & forth in terms of going through FET for a second child. I always really wanted a second child but my husband (who is 10 years older than me) didn't and we were stuck for years. There were also financial and professional reasons we didn't proceed. But I could never let that dream go nor could I make the decision to throw away what felt most precious to me, our embryos. So we waited.

Finally last summer my husband decided to agree for us to go through FETs so that our stuck situation could be resolved, and as something he did for me.

I have now gone through 3 natural cycles (starting in autumn 2015) at the Lister clinic, all 3 of which failed for no apparent reasons. This was utterly heartbreaking for me, and exhausting too as it was also done in the context of moving house & a very busy life & job. 

This month I began a natural cycle again for the 4th and final embryo. All I have wanted is for all this to be over & for my life to be able to proceed either way, as the waiting & uncertainty have been creating problems in my marriage & life on so many levels--and for years, really, not just this last year of treatment. 

So I started another natural cycle which sadly had to be abandoned as my cycle went completely haywire--I ovulated super soon or something like that. The consultant has now advised me to go ahead next month (March) with a medicated cycle this time, starting on day 21 of this month. This may seem like the right thing to do but:

--next month means I may be in danger of not qualifying for full maternity payments from my job anymore (as I'm on a long contract which ends in October). This month (february) was the last 'safe' month for that. Complicated explanations for all this, but next month means added financial insecurity if I do get pregnant.
--I am not keen at all on a medicated cycle, really scared of the drugs
--mainly though, I feel I have reached the end of my tether. The idea of one more month of going through this emotional roller coaster & facing all these difficulties with my husband fills me with dread. However much I would want a second child & can't 'throw away' the final embryo, I also feel deeply conflicted as I know this is not something my husband wants really and there's now the added costs involved with one more cycle & the possible future financial difficulties.

Anyway. I have no idea if any of this makes sense. Or if it sounds ridiculous (or anything else). I keep crying, have found the 3 failed cycles--very close to each other in time--heartbreaking and I feel I'm facing not just the loss of the dream I've held all these years of a second child but also the loss of my youth. On the other hand, holding on to the wish for a second child on my own, and going through all this completely on my own as my husband has really struggled to support me when he doesn't want another child, has been extremely hard, particularly when things go wrong like this month.

So I'm unsure what to do. And I'm finding the whole thing utterly heartbreaking. It's affecting my life, my marriage, my stability, even my relationship with my lovely son. All I want is for all this to be over, to be able to tell myself that I gave these embryos the best shot I could and to be able to move on with my life. It would be much easier to just not go ahead with the final embryo on many levels but at the same time I don't have the heart to do that.

Just my thoughts & feelings. I'm sorry if this has been a huge rambling post! I hope I can support others too when they need it, at this very difficult stage at the end of treatment.


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## JulietP (Dec 6, 2012)

Hey Cassandra, I didn't want to read and run as I can see no-one has replied yet to your sad and heartfelt post.

I'm so sorry things seem to be overwhelming you at the moment.  I can totally relate to your agonising over what to do with your last embie and the awful emotions you must be feeling.  I am 45 and my DH is 55.  He always wanted children with me when we met 12 years ago, although he has two grown up sons so the urgency wasn't quite there for him.  We have had 4 unsuccessful cycles and there are no more options left, but this last one (my last BFN 3 weeks ago) I felt totally on my own.  We had put off the cycle at DH's wish and so when it came to deciding to do it this year, it was down to me.  We didn't discuss it, because we both knew how we would feel.  He is thinking about retirement, I'm not.  He worries about money, how young the child would have been when he was not earning...and all the practicalities.  I felt totally alone during my cycle, my first natural cycle, and when it didn't work and I got that negative, he very gently confided that he thought it would have ruined us anyway.  I'm not sure I'm over that sentence yet, but I heard and understood what he meant.

We had our embie frozen last June and the knowledge that it was there, perfect and ready for us, gave us a few really happy months.  Not having to go through the cycle, but knowing we could if we wanted to.  Some part of me wishes things had stayed like that.  Impossible I know because you have to have the cycle at some point, you can't leave your little embie on ice for ever.  But I needed to have the hope.  I'm not sure I have any answers for you at all because emotions are always going to be there.  No-one can ever tell you what's right, that's the difficult thing about IVF.  

But from your post, you have a lovely little 7 year old who must be your pride and joy.  As you are, you are a family unit and one that can be happy and secure, you are able to cope with financial pressures that you have as you are.  I have never experienced motherhood so some of what I say are things I say to myself in order to get me through the days, but would another child make all your family happier?  You have been through a new baby once, would you be able to do that again?  Would giving yourself some breathing space now be a good thing - can you not make the decision now, but give yourself another 6 months?  Another year?  I can hear a little panic in your voice that you feel you have to decide now, would you be able to just put that decision on hold, just so you can be calm, start to think rationally, enjoy what you have at the moment?  Maybe decide now that you will see out your contract til the end.  After that, whatever new contract you secure, you can start the thinking process then.  Give your body a little time to get over the 3 failed cycles and you can try a natural cycle again - being afraid of the drugs isn't good mentally and you need to be as strong as you can.

I am rambling too and probably have been no help at all, but I hope you know that so many of us go through these awful thoughts and decisions where nothing seems to be right or easy.  I have shouted, screamed, cried and got varying support or lack of from my DH.  He has been distant, useless, mean and then at times he has been desperately sorry for me, and us and for our lost ones.  Sometimes all you need is to talk.  To as many people as possible.  If you have a counsellor attached to your clinic, can you go and see them?  I never saw mine on my own, only as a preamble to the next treatment, but so many people get such huge benefit from theirs.  

I am sending you lots of       and hoping that I may have helped a tiny bit, just so you know so many of us feel like you do.

xxxx


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## bubbabooboo85 (Oct 30, 2013)

I'm so sorry to hear the agonising pain you are clearly going through   I am currently in the process of planning to try for a sibling and completely understand your yearning for this and I also think I would find it incredibly hard to 'throw away' a frosty. I wish I could offer you a magic wand to fix it all sweetheart but obviously that's not possible, I suppose the only advice I'm thinking to give you is to think back to when you were trying for your first and how delighted you must have been when you became a little family of 3. What I'm trying to say is if this situation is affecting your relationship with the two precious people already in your life then perhaps enough is enough and you need to close the door on the fertility treatment and learn to enjoy what you have again. I know that is so much easier said than done as this cruel journey we all face takes over you in a way no 'outsider' could ever imagine. 

Perhaps with regards to your frosty think about what you would have done with it had your other cycles have been successful? Would you have still use them all and had 5 children or would you have been able to bid farewell, please don't feel that you are 'throwing it away' as that makes it sound as though you don't care and that is so clearly not the case my love. 

I don't know if any of that makes sense but if nothing else I really hope it gives you comfort that people on here care about you and absolutely wish you the best in whatever you decide is right for you and your family that you worked so hard to have.

If you are able to access counselling then absolutely do as it may really help with your feelings. 

Massive hugs and support for you


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## ricks3 (Jun 25, 2012)

Dear Cassandra - Bless you – I am so sorry you are having such an emotional time with all of this. It is a crazy impossible journey. xxxx

I am also now 42. I have a lovely DD who is now nearly 2.5 and was conceived through a fresh IVF cycle which also left us 9 frosties. I have now had 3 medicated FETs which have taken the best part of a year. These have all failed like yours for no apparent reasons… I’ve just had a 4th FET and we are waiting to test but, given our recent history, I am not feeling very confident about things.

I can totally identify with you when you say you now just really want this to be over, that you gave the embies your best shot and move on. This is exactly how I feel. I am so weary from the whole process and just yearn for some closure and yet while the frosties are there I cannot walk away from them. So if this FET also fails I’ll carry on cycling this year until all of them have gone and then try to walk away knowing we threw everything we had at it and exhausted every opportunity. DH is being quite fatalistic now expecting the cycles to fail and that hope we shared on our first cycle 4 years ago has gone – sometimes it feels like we are just going through the motions of it all just to exhaust the frosties rather than to have a baby as the belief it might possibly work is waning. It is such a complicated journey.

Everything you wrote makes perfect sense – and you are not alone. Sending you lots of love and strength as you make your decision what to do next. Xxxxx

Juliet – I am so so sorry your treatment failed. You sound like you are being amazing at working on accepting things – I am in awe. Wishing you love and strength as you try to move on xxxxxx


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