# feelings and emotions for different donations



## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Hi
I hope to.have a donor egg cycle this year. I know we have separate discussion points for telling and not telling.
I wonder if Mums feel differently about telling based on what type of donation they have had for egg donation only. Sperm only or double donation. I believe the donor conception network are pro telling and wonder if the donation type influenced this decision.
Also as a.very general point the general view being promoted by various organisations is that children should be told from a very young age. As the complete opposite was promoted in the past how do we know that the view will not change back again in another ten years.
I believe nobody knows for sure and telling not telling will differ for each child and I feel nervous about.my potential family being a testing ground for this issue.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I think some of it depends on relationship type as well as donations type.
Eg I think lesbians/gay men are often open. Perhaps because this route is somewhat more expected?
Some single women I know are open, though not always if used dd. Frequently not wishing to share the egg part, not sure if that is due to personal fears; I cannot comment on this as used oe.
ATM, I am still in a quandary about it all tbh, as do not wish to lie, but also don't wish for what is essentially my los story to be known by all and sundry; sadly I know of children who are known not by name but as adopted, and yes this may change but think if I tell it would have to be when fully old enough to process the information and decide who to share with recognising lo can't unsay it!


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

There are very interesting threads on both telling and not telling. 
I think it's such a personal decision and there really is no right answer. If me and my husband do need to use DS (still unsure as not had tese yet) we will not be telling. Our reasons are quite simple. We don't want to be known as the family who had to use donor sperm. I don't want a million questions about how did you chose a donor how did your husband feel etc. My husband has a hard enough time with guilt over not being able to give me a child naturally without being reminded by people.  We just want to be a happy little family. I don't want my child to 'find thier biological father' when they get to an age where they are able too, that would kill my husband. 
We won't be telling anyone atall, the only people who will know are me, my husband and the clinic (going abroad if we need DS as it's anonymous).
To me it's not a lie or a deception, it's what's right for us as a family.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Thank you for your replay. When I started this journey, I just though I would follow the general belief to tell from very early age but as I have gone through treatment and also spoken to prior  about their experiences I am now not sure. I would like to put down some points and would've grateful for feedback.
First once info is out there that is it. It can spread. I don't feel I can cope with being an experiment for the organisations current thinking at the potential expense of my families well being.
I don't buy the whole medical history argument as I honestly had no info on my parents including blood group etc and it made no difference. My sister has health issues and I do not and there read no link on this with our parents so I feel that argument for telling does not work.
I also feel strongly  children just want to be like everyone else growing up.


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

I agree about the medical history. And my husband has had to have genetic screening for 2 different conditions. But his parents haven't had to give blood samples, so he's still non the wiser which parent is the carrier of CF. 
Also women have affairs/one night stands more than  people think those children Have no clue of there medical backgrounds. 
We will be matching our blood types (me and hubby both o+ thankfully).
Also been told if I don't tell my children then they could end up marrying there siblings?? Like seriously I will be using a sperm donor from a different country.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Dreaming,

This is always such an emotional and tricky area to discuss.  I can give my own personal perspective on the issues you raise.  Firstly, even though I am in the tell camp and have two 9 year olds who have known about their conception since birth - I am not underestimating how hard it can be to tell with confidence.  All I can say is that so far, I am really glad I told my children and I find their occasional questions interesting and challenging in a positive way!

My children have only recently just talked to anyone outside me about their conception, and that was with their teacher who already knew. They are busy getting on with their lives and their donor conception is really a very small part of that full, normal childhood.

I do think that as I am single, it is obvious that there is no daddy.  That means that I have had to decide to be open about the donor sperm issue as the children are asked about that sometimes and so am I.  However, I do know that some single women who have done double donation do sometimes find it harder to be open about the egg part!  My view is that we are private, not secret and I do not feel that all and sundry need to know about how my children were conceived.  In addition, I can see how much easier it is to not tell if you are in a hetero couple as honestly who would know from looking at you!  That is where people do struggle, but there are many examples of couples in the tell camp.  (Of course it is much harder to know about the no tell families for obvious reasons!).

Regarding history of telling and openness.  There were good reasons to be open about adoption and that model has been shown to be healthy for parents and children.  It is pretty unlikely that we would revert to secrecy about adoption after that history.  I feel it is the same with donor conception.  The adoption model was a basis for openness (although clearly different).  DCN has been going for 23 years with parents being open.  DC children told about their conception are now adults who in the great part are glad they were told and are well adjusted and happy.  They know who their parents are and they are not the donor/s!

There is support out there for you - e.g. counselling etc. for you to thrash out these very important issues and feelings and for you to reach a view that feels comfortable for you.  I feel that telling is a process and you may not feel right about it now or ever.  But you may change your mind later.  Although it is felt that people should tell early - there are many people who start when their child is older.  There is no 'script' to follow as this is your life and your family.

I hope you can work through to find the best place for you and your family.
Best wishes,

Daisy xxx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Thanks. I sincerely respect both sides of this major life changing issue. 
I also know people who have adopted children and they are currently going through heart wrenching times with the child dealing with the circumstances of their birth and taking it out on their parents. Plus I know adopted friends who feel that open adoption undermines the bonding process with the parents so that is by no means a perfect template. I feel there js a general promotion that even though both I and dh would have gone through more than the adverage family to have our child, I am not viewed as the mother and the genetic element is being given promenence over the full care and love we would give that child. I dont want either myself or my child to come with a label. Why do I owe society info on my circumstances that I find myself in I also resent the infertile label to be honest as I feel it is a sweeping term for many different situations.
I take on board the potential risk of the child feeling betrayed by not being told when they got older and take in board the issue about them potentially meeting a sibling however nobody is discussing how much this bas happened. I feel there is alot of scare mongering. I feel human nature means that people justify their decision on telling and not telling but there is no perfect answer.
The donor conception network should also consider schools where children get bullied just for having the wrong type of trainers. How would they survive telling this type of story. I think there is a flip side to this openness and there are pros and cons. For both approaches. Also from reading comments on this forum, I noticed that mums in all types of relationships struggle with the donor egg conception and telling.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

I also read that there was talk of potential changes in the future for future birth certificates to indicate donor conception as the people promoting this feel the child has a right to know at all costs. What other circumstances would people want to be labled like this. I hope it never happens as I was discusted with this concept. All the situations whereby with potential one night stands the genetic father is off the agenda is not recorded anywhere. This would completely undermine the family bringing up this child.
What is the ultimate aim of these organisations, for the child to  contact the donor and their family and to have an on going relationship with them?. The donor has given an amazing gift so we can have our family not so they can have an ongoing involvement from my understanding.
No matter how long an organisation has been going does not automatically make them right in all the views they promote.
I always seem to read horror stories of  child feeling betrayed etc, and if their siblljng is ok then that is not looked into. Some children could understand that the parents wanted to protect them and what they went through to bring them into the world. They are alive because of their parents and everything they went through to get them there. The donor is an amazing person who has helped this happen but they in my view are not their mother.
One of the replys mention being questioned, this is also true for the child and young adult. This is alot to take on board for a young person to cope with and I wonder it it can do more harm than good.


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

I also agree with your views regarding adoption and that it can hinder the bonding process (this is purely my opinion). People say they read there children a book nightly/ weekly about how someone donated an egg/sperm so they could have a baby. Surely the child must always wonder about who that somebody is? How can they fully accept you as a mother/father when they know thier 'real' one is out there? 
Me and my husband wouldn't adopt, it isn't for us. I truly look up to people who do/can adopt. I suppose I'm quite selfish in wanting my child to only want me and my hubby as thier only parents, even if that means not disclosing the use of a donor. I also would feel this way if we were to need DS.  
I also think people who do tell are right, because that's right for thier family/circumstances. What I don't like is people who do tell, judging those of us who don't and calling us deceitful and liars.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Hi
If I have learned nothing else on this journey is that nobody can judge  anybody else.
My only thought on not telling is carrying that knowledge. I would imagine it would get harder as time goes on. I am aware that some children are fine when they are told and some really do struggle. I am just quoting people I know whose opinions are very interesting as they are adopted and parents of adopted children. They are amazing people who have gone through so much to get something which so many people can take for granted. Sometimes it is like we are being.punished for the circumstances we find ourselves in.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Also with telling, I have no supportive family members especially mother in law. I know she would not be positive towards me if she knew our circumstances do how can I Tell my child with confidence if they are going to probably tell those people. Children talk to everyone about all sorts of subjects so I feel this.makes being private not that possible


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## Godiva (Nov 19, 2015)

I agree that on this journey the most important thing learned is not to judge (a rule that should be practiced in all areas of life). I regret to say I used to be very prejudiced towards infertility treatment (especially those having a hard time, and those considering donors), and have found my views to have changed and become more open along the way (to the point that we are going along the donor-route   ). I guess it is all a question of situation, information,... .
I would also be against records of donation history on official documents (like births certificates). I personally feel a child has a right to know, and decide what to do with the information, but I would not want to inflict an official stigma every time a document needs to be shown (like marking somebodies religion or ethnic background on an identity card: the beginning of segregation and different "classes" of people based on factors outside their control!). The fact that things can not be "unsaid" is a very important thing to consider, right from the beginning. There are quite a few people who know about us, but I am pretty sure I can trust most of them, and the majority will actually never really interact much with our potential child.
Sometimes I do feel things would be easier by not telling, until something happens and the child finds out. I do not fear however that our child would not see us as it's "real" parents: we are the ones who will feed it, cloth it, love it, take care of it, be there when it needs us,... . That counts for much more than a stranger with some similar genes. Especially if the child knows from early on, I do not think a donor would be seen as a potential "replacement parent". The risk seems much larger to me for an adolescent/young adult, who needs to re-identify because his origins are not quite what he/she thought they were.

I am sometimes surprised at how people feel about anonymity. I understand that if you do not plan to tell it does not make all that much difference. I also feel that even if the donor is anonymous for ever, a child should know, but I sometimes wonder why people who don't want to tell worry about anonymity. Even those who do home insemination.
In general I should think there is less chance of an egg donor to have lots of genetic offspring (I should think it is rare for an egg donor to reach her "family limit"), but sperm donors can help many families. The chances of an egg donor child meeting a genetic relative is quite small. It is however the thing I fear most with the big international sperm banks. As I myself have 2 nationalities, and have married a 3rd I am cautious about feeling safe because of treatment in a different country  .


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

I guess the big issue in this is feeling judged as parents and your child being judged.  Sincerely feel that the full impact of telling is not fully explored with the organisations who are pro tell.
there are situations where children are told early and search for info.secrectly.so.not to.hurt.their parents. Alot of anguish and soul searching for the child.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Not sure if this helps re potential of dc children dating or more with sibling:

Calculations have shown that, in a system with anonymous donors, up to 25 offspring per donor for a population of 800,000 does not lead to an increased chance of consanguinity by ac- cidental contacts between donor-offspring being half sib- lings unwittingly (De Boer et al., 1995; Sawyer and McDonald, 200. New calculations were made for systems with non- anonymous sperm donation and a significant proportion of single and lesbian women requesting sperm donation (working group in collaboration with Dr Repping and Dr Zwinderman; calculations online and available at request). From these cal- culations, it followed that for a population of 16 million, if up to 200 offspring-per-donor were permitted, the number of unexpected consanguineous relationships among donor chil- dren was 0.2%. The number of consanguineous relationships being initiated between donor children not knowing the iden- tity of their genitor (donor 'father') for a population of 16 million (200,000 annual births) was calculated to be 0.418 per year (Table 2). The essence is that offspring who know they are conceived via donor insemination, and know exactly who their donor is, will not mate with one another. It was assumed that this is the case for offspring born from single women, lesbian relationships and heterosexual relationships in which the parents inform their offspring about the use of donor in- semination. For the calculations, the proportion of these family types were assumed to be one-third each, whereas the number of heterosexual couples telling their offspring about the donor insemination was taken to be 50% (Janssens et al., 2011), re- sulting in 16% of all donor insemination offspring remaining unaware of their specific conception and being at risk of in- advertent consanguineous mating. Indeed, the contribution of donor-offspring-mating to the occurrence of inbreeding in society, as calculated, seemed insignificant compared with other kinds of mating in modern society, as shown in a recentstudy by Serre et al. (2014). These authors showed that donor insemination would account for only 0.46% of the consan- guineous births and for 0.01% of the recessive diseases oc- curring in France. This suggests that most inbreeding-based national norms applied in donor insemination are within safe limits, if not at a too stringent level. For use of donor sperm internationally, implying distribution over larger popula- tions rather than within single countries or districts, the chances of inbreeding are even smaller.
When donors are used to treat patients in small defined geographical areas, however, particularly if this involves mi- nority groups, the relevance of consanguinity and these figures should be taken into account.
The 2013 American Society for Reproductive Medicine rec- ommendations suggest that 'in a population of 800,000, lim- iting a single donor to no more than 25 births would avoid any significant increased risk of inadvertent consanguineous con- ception' (ASRM, 2013). This 1:32,000 birth limit would theo- retically permit a donor to give rise to around 250,000 children worldwide at the current world population, although other considerations would in reality lower this. It is, therefore, clear that worries around consanguinity will not provide the deci- sive arguments to come to acceptable donor quota.
http://www.rbmojournal.com/article/S1472-6483(15)00065-6/pdf

There is also a section on psychological impact on all concerned. Very interesting but too long to post here. I may post elsewhere!


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

In case anyone is interested I posted here:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=342287.new#new


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

HI,

I wonder where the evidence for DC children who are told early trying to find their donors?  It they were born after 2005 and told, then there would be no need to do this as they would have all non-ID information and would then be able to trace at 18.  Of course, we can't be sure of those who do try to find out more behind their parent's backs, but I strongly feel we shouldn't make assumptions without evidence to back this up?  There may well be soul searching and anguish of course, but I don't think we can be completely black and white about it?

If you think about it, those organisations like DCN's raison d'etre is to constantly look at the impact of telling on families!  That is what they are there for and that is what they do with lots of families to help them find out what's happening when children are told at all stages of their lives and under lots of different circumstances!

I hear what you are saying and see that you have a lot of worries about the issues and that is not surprising at all.  I just wanted to say that in my case, my children certainly don't go around telling everyone, but then I suppose our family know so...?  It is so hard I can see to unravel it all and it certainly is a very common reason why people are worried about telling family members and wider community.

D xx


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi,

I read the books to my two when they were little.  They aren't very interested in the DC stuff at the moment.  They know I am their mum and their only mum.  The donor is not a mummy/daddy.    However, I do realise that difficult stuff can come up with some told children - I have had some hard questions to answer, but never have I regretted telling.  I so want to reassure people, but am also aware that my situation is not for everyone and I am also further down the line with the telling process.  

It is really an emotional process for all of us!  I think it is great though to talk about the issues openly, even if we don't agree and to listen and try to help each other if we can.

D xx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

The,potential issues with telling seen to come about when the child is older from the info I have seen not when they are small children. I just,wish that donor conception network would give a balanced view on positive situations en not telling was the right thing for the family.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Dreaming,

Well, there are issues with older young people/adults who find out late or under traumatic circumstances (death, divorce etc).  There are also sometimes issues for older DC children who have been told from an early age - that is part of this complicated process I believe.  You can still love your parents but still be curious and interested about the donor and your genetic inheritance of course.  We are complicated and so are DC children.  It doesn't have to be terrible and families can work through the issues in many cases of course.

Often DC older people become interested in tracing donor siblings more than the donors.  I think it is really hard for an organisation like DCN to know about not telling families in detail, because they don't tend to talk about the issues openly?  I think DCN would say that in some circumstances, telling is not the best way.  E.g. if the child was in real danger from a community with very strong anti-DC views (e.g. extremely religious for example).  Perhaps also for children with special needs for example?  These are difficult areas to monitor. Mostly, I imagine those who are very firmly in the no telling camp are not as likely to contact DCN?  Which is a shame, as they often have an incorrect idea of how supportive they can be while you are grappling with these issues.

I hope DCN are balanced as far as they can within the general view that telling is a positive thing while also acknowledging that people find it hard and that there is no right way to tell?  I imagine Cancer Research know of people who would never use chemotherapy even when advised by their doctors.  However, I also imagine they would find it hard to give a positive balanced view of not having chemotherapy when it could be a lifesaver.  BUT I am sure ultimately they, like DCN, would say that the final decision rests with you!

D xxx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Interesting choice of.example to.compare. So I guess t telling is a lifesaver based on that assumption. I don't think the people not.telling.g may contact them.but they can still.give a balanced view of showing the Childers view for those who.were not damaged or upset.from.not being told which.does not get listed. I am undecided currently but I respect your approach and people not.telling can also have happy.balanced children the same as people telling.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Dreaming,
I think my example may not have been the best now reviewing it!  I didn't mean literally a lifesaver, I meant that an organisation like DCN are for telling, but in my experience, they understand that ultimately, it is your choice whether you tell or not.  It is just good to get all the information and support while making up your mind!  You can of course, change your mind at any time to tell, and people do do that, even when their children are grown up!

What I was trying to say was that it is hard to give positive examples of not telling when those families are not out there giving their stories generally.  Also, if you generally believe that telling is positive and that is what DCN believe (and me!), then not telling is not going to be on a par with telling, and in fact won't be seen as a positive action I guess.

If children are not told, then we can't possibly know how they feel about that!  There are of course families living with donor conceived children who have no intention of telling, and are ok with that.  Their children must also be ok I guess as they don't know!  I just don't think we can know all the details as they are not discussing much out there?

My friend has a donor egg conceived son, and has no intention of telling him.  I never lecture about that and would never reveal it to anyone, even though she knows that I am open about my children's conception.  I respect her choice, even though I feel a bit uncomfortable about it.  It is her life and her family.

Sorry I am rambling here!  You can see that even if you are very pro tell, these issues are very personal and nuanced and challenge me when trying to work it all out!!!

Hope you can find peace of mind and support through this process.  It is very emotional, but the end result is so, so worth it!
D xxx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Because it is the,ultimate emotional experience, also emotions run high with both of these options to tell or not tell.  feel that it is for the child to decide down the line how they feel.about it all. You could be the best parent in the world and the child could reject you just the same as if they were genetically linked. is like a ticking time bomb that we have to deal with as if we had not have been through enough already.fter all I have read I can see why people do not tell as they both want to forget what they went through and also want to protect the child. We do not always live in a kind and supportive world and people can be cruel.
On the other hand the child knowing cannot say they have been lied to but the also have that knowledge to cope with until they are at an age whereby they can choose to find the donor and any potential other people they are genetically linked to.how many parents with their own genetic children share everything with those children, I bet it would be surprising at how many families are not thesse totally open people end certainly not out there with their business in their community.
not telling may put strain long term on the people not telling but the pay off is having the dream that the donor does not exist.
I have noticed articles whereby with two children, one is upset and the other is not bothered at all. None of us know so when a decision either way is made you have to stick with it.
I get the impression with the dcn that they ultimately view the child as belonging to the genetic donors family. Hence the adoption template but I feel the dynamics are different. The donor is donating so that other woman can have their family and that is the intent. Not to be the childs mother. But I feel organisations are making the assumption that the donor and child wantsor needs more Iinvolveme t. How many of us know friends who were brought up by a step parent with no genetic link but have had no interest in finding that person or are damaged by that experience,
Also there are awful genetic parents who have done an awful job in looking after their children but are given more respect than they deserve duento that genetic link. I just think as recepients we need to be given a break and not guilt trips about telling and not telling.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Dreaming,

You bring up lots of issues that are so common for those of us thinking about moving on to donor eggs.  It is true that none of us know the future for our children, and we may have to face difficult issues with our kids regardless of whether they are DC or not!  
I have been a member of DCN for 10 years now and I can categorically tell you the DCN do NOT view any child as 'belonging' to the donor or their family.  DCN's and my view I think is that the donor is NOT a parent.  My children have 2 donors neither of whom is a mum or a dad to my children.  Genes are important to people in varying ways, but I do think you have got the wrong impression of the DCN, and that is a shame.  The similarity with adoption is only the fact of being open about it, not that the child belongs to a birth parent etc.  Donors are not parents, I repeat this as a parent with 9 year old DC children!

I know they would support you in grappling with these issues without making you feel you are in the wrong for not being sure about telling. On the contrary, you are human and normal to feel this way.  People have doubts constantly about these issues and that is not surprising.  They have a helpline and I would recommend giving them a call one day?  I think also that if you are doing a cycle in the UK, you will get free counselling and I hope that may be another opportunity to go through all your worries.
Best,
D xx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

I think it is also a out maybe potentially creating a situation that does not need to be there. There is a promotion of telljng and encouraging contact. I guess what I am exploring is if you keep telling a child that this nice lady gave an egg that made them, would they not be more likely to want to find that person than if they were just brought up like anyone else. Is that knowledge in childhood potentially creating a burden in their mind that does not need to be there. I have spoken to professional fertility counselors and they have regular contact with children who have been told and have alot of anguish in their teen years over their identity so there is no right way even though the pro telling has the most media attention. The telling point will be when those adults are having their own families and the dynamics then at that point in time. We are being asked to be out there with the the most intimate and personal information about ourselves and our children to take on that role to educate the world. I can understand why people want to be more private.


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## Godiva (Nov 19, 2015)

I know of many families where children (or now adults) grew up with step parents from an early age, and considered these step parents to be their "real" mum or dad, especially if there was little contact with the genetic parent. This in fact helped me in accepting the use of donor material in conception.
Yes, it would be interesting to know about families/people (especially adults) who have not been told they were donor conceived, sadly this is impossible due to the nature of the not-telling thing.
For teenagers it is quite normal to have a period where they are looking for a new identity, I suppose at a certain point we put too much weight on possibly "confounding" factors in this identity-search, like donor conception, a missing parent, "no male influence in the house hold",... Anything that might be different. But then, some teenagers in strictly "normal" families also go through a difficult period on reaching puberty. So is this "confounding factor" the reason, or is it just "meant to be".
I think we will never know. All we can do is make a decision for ourselves after going over many possible scenario's. But then, I believe that is what parenting is about: you make certain choices, and then hope for the best   . However many parenting books you read, you will find so many conflicting "best solutions", that it all ends up coming back down to the fact that you as parents need to decide what is best for your family.
I recently read an old article in a Belgian magazine about a French couple. Both were donor conceived, one knew from an early age and the other only found out much later. Both thought the other had had the "easy" option. That of course made me go over my thought process for the umptieth time  . (The main subject of the article however was that they had no way of finding out whether they might have been created using the same sperm donor: paternity tests are apparently illegal in France (and it is illegal for a French citizen to ask for one), and the clinics they were conceived in refused to give information, based on the laws of anonymity (and even threatening to destroy any existing records if action was undertaken).)


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

That example of the couple gives an argument for telling but how often would people meet up like this. There does seem to be alot of comments about the potential of this happening but no actual examples to date of this happening.
A friend of mjne mentioned that in the small village she lives in there were four girls with babies by the same guy. If they stay in that village the chances of them meeting are higher when you think about it.
For children that know, what happens when they are dating. Would they need to discuss this when they are out socialising just in case. Sounds awful for a potentially very small risk.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Some of the article I posted in the other thread deals with the statistical chance of two Dc siblings meeting and is partly how they suggest the quotas should be drawn up allowing for this.

I do think also whether the donor was anonymous or traceable at 18+ years must have a different impact.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

I wonder what the dcn recommends for this situation of potential sibblings meeting up and dating.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

It would be so nice if we as women just support each other full stop. This is the worst nightmare heart wrenching journey I have ever had to deal with in my life. I totally understand in human nature that we stand by and justify our own decisions but we need to completely take judgement out of all of this as there really is no completely right or wrong answer with telling or not telling and nobody has any higher moral ground. Infertility makes us all equal in our struggle and we should just support each other in our decisions in protecting our families. people without fertility struggles don't have to go through anything and are completely accepted by society because of the genetic connection. So unfair.


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## Starflower (Apr 16, 2009)

Hi there!
The whole donor fertility thing is a huge undertaking! We are parents to a donor sperm (open donor) child who is now 5. We decided to tell our daughter about how she was made from the day she was basically born. Having read research around this area it made it the most logical choice. I completely understand the stigma around male infertility is huge and understand reasons why couples choose not to tell. However our daughter is fast growing up and I'm glad she knows the truth that "Daddy's sperm is broken"!
Some family members know but not all, we have not shared this information with friends, we may in time but we may not...I feel a need to protect our daughters privacy too as we're aware she does not fully understand the implications of being a donor sperm child. 
All I can say is that it's a HUGE secret to keep and are you being fair to your child? Does your child have a right to know the truth? How will they feel if they feel they have been deceived ? You must consider these questions.
Even though we've told our daughter I still worry she may be angry about how she was conceived. 
This is a journey still unfolding! All I can say is our little girl for now is completely at ease with her conception story and is a well adjusted little girl!!! I want it to stay that way. Good luck.


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