# Failed Introductions



## fran68

Hia I'm searching for anybody that may have experienced the same/similar as we have.
After a total of 7yrs including 3 miscarriages, 2 failed cycles of IVF and 3yrs in the adoption process we started our introductions, amazing we couldn't believe our luck, this lovely little girl was perfect for us. She came to us on our first meeting and all was well. 
We had a rest day the following day and that night I panicked and convinced myself that I couldn't carry on with the adoption. I worried if i was good enough,about the responsibility and the commitment amongst other things. 
We had a meeting with the s/w the following day and they suggested that we had a week to consider things. (My husband was distraught as he really couldn't understand where these feelings had come from - he was totally smitten with the little one)During this time we talked and I spoke to friends and family who said that this was all perfecly natural to feel this way and so the following week we met again and it was decided that we continue. 
We met with little one for another 4 days and everything went well but again we had the rest day and yes this overwhelming panic set in again.
We spoke to the s/w and intros with this little girl were stopped. 
I just can't control my feelings and feel an overwhelming regret and then the next minute i feel relief, i feel guilty as my husband is distraught but i  can't help how i feel.
Another meeting with the s/w last week and were told that we needed time to think things through and that in the new year that they would get in touch and review the situation and also review if we could continue with the adoption process. They suggested that i seek counselling and suggested that maybe I have the adoption blues - which can happen post adoption apparently. 
I wander if anyone else has experienced anything similar, would love to hear from you.
Hey I'm sorry it's such a long read.
Thanks a million.
XX


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## Iman

Hi Fran

Havent experience anything similar but wanted to drop you a reply. We had our intros back at the  end of July/begin August and it was a very nerve racking stressful time for us. We loved it, but the feelings you describe I can sort of relate to  - everything happened very suddenly and it was very overwhelming. Especially after the journey to get to that point had been so long. 

Dont worry, take some time to have a think and try not to stress. You should proceed if and when you feel able to. But dont feel bad on yourself., its a huge experience and I think its common to feel some anxiety.

Hope it works out for you,

Iman

xx


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## Damelottie

Hello Fran68

Firstly, a huge  . I can understand only too well how devastated you must be feeling about all this 

I had an adoption that failed during the introductions. It wasn't the same situation as yours but some of the feelings you are describing very much matched my own.

I would agree with what your family and friends are saying actually - no matter how long you have been longing to be a parent, and been preparing, there is still that moment when it becomes real, and I honestly don't know if _anything _can really prepare you for it. Its a massive awesome responsibility. I really felt it sitting in my hospital room when I had just given birth. Its really quite terrifying  , and not unusual at all to feel it. Of course the difference is that I didn't have to feedback to anybody about it, tell anybody etc etc. I just had to get on with it. Does that make sense? Of course, because this is an adoption, I'm sure the SW's have to be concerned, and make very sure that it is right to go ahead.

For what its worth, I think you have been very brave to be honest about these feelings. For whatever reason, _something _isn't feeling right for you and, yes, it could just be 'normal' new parent panics. Because you are OK when you are with the little girl, and only have these feelings on your rest day, I think it probably IS just that. But thats only my thoughts. I wonder if you have a 'gut reaction' of whether you should proceed or not? Regardless of all the other issues - DH etc.

I hope things go well. If for some reason it doesn't proceed please be gentle with yourself. It was without a doubt the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.

Lots of love

DameLottie xx


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## fran68

Damelottie said:


> Hello Fran68
> 
> Firstly, a huge  . I can understand only too well how devastated you must be feeling about all this
> 
> I had an adoption that failed during the introductions. It wasn't the same situation as yours but some of the feelings you are describing very much matched my own.
> 
> I would agree with what your family and friends are saying actually - no matter how long you have been longing to be a parent, and been preparing, there is still that moment when it becomes real, and I honestly don't know if _anything _can really prepare you for it. Its a massive awesome responsibility. I really felt it sitting in my hospital room when I had just given birth. Its really quite terrifying  , and not unusual at all to feel it. Of course the difference is that I didn't have to feedback to anybody about it, tell anybody etc etc. I just had to get on with it. Does that make sense? Of course, because this is an adoption, I'm sure the SW's have to be concerned, and make very sure that it is right to go ahead.
> 
> For what its worth, I think you have been very brave to be honest about these feelings. For whatever reason, _something _isn't feeling right for you and, yes, it could just be 'normal' new parent panics. Because you are OK when you are with the little girl, and only have these feelings on your rest day, I think it probably IS just that. But thats only my thoughts. I wonder if you have a 'gut reaction' of whether you should proceed or not? Regardless of all the other issues - DH etc.
> 
> I hope things go well. If for some reason it doesn't proceed please be gentle with yourself. It was without a doubt the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.
> 
> Lots of love
> 
> DameLottie xx


 Thanks for your posting DameLottie ,Fistly congratulations with the birth of your baby. Thanks for your thoughts it really helps me to know that someone else felt those same feeligs. I need to just work through them and take time i suppose. Because it's taken so long and i'm not getting any younger i always pressurise myself with time frames - ridiculous really. Am now on sick leave after finishing work to start adoption leave and am really dreading having to go back and telling everyone. Sorry i'm so gloomy i know it'll get easier. thanks again. Fran


Iman said:


> Hi Fran
> 
> Havent experience anything similar but wanted to drop you a reply. We had our intros back at the end of July/begin August and it was a very nerve racking stressful time for us. We loved it, but the feelings you describe I can sort of relate to - everything happened very suddenly and it was very overwhelming. Especially after the journey to get to that point had been so long.
> 
> Dont worry, take some time to have a think and try not to stress. You should proceed if and when you feel able to. But dont feel bad on yourself., its a huge experience and I think its common to feel some anxiety.
> 
> Hope it works out for you,
> 
> Iman
> 
> xx


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## fran68

Thanks Imam for your kind words
Fran


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## fran68

Dear Damelottie 
Just getting the hang of how to post replies!


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## Old Timer

Hi
Sorry to read about your introductions    It is a very stressful and emotional time and I can honestly say with both of my children I had doubts before, during and after as to whether I was 'good enough' or could cope.  We chose not to have rest days and after 12 days of intros with my son we brought him home and was fine until the night before my DH went back to work, that was when it hit me that I was going to be the main carer and have to not only entertain this child all day but I was responsible for him     There were many times in the first few months that I wondered whether we had done the right thing but with confidence building, getting a good routine and support from family, friends and a fab SW I got through it.
With DD we had difficult intros because the FC found it hard to let go and made it really awkward for us.  I was a lot more assertive this time round and told SWs that if things didn't get sorted I would be packing up and going home (out of county) on a certain day with or without DD.  Second night home I had a bit of a panic about had we done the right thing adopting again, was it fair to DS and would I be able to cope with 2 children??  We were having a take away and I felt so sick I couldn't eat it    She has been home 2 months now and it just so funny and gorgeous, she settled well and being in a routine already helped I think, it wasn't such a huge shock to the system 2nd time round.
Take your time and explore whether your feelings were down to worry about you not being 'good enough' or whether there is something about the child that you don't feel is right for you.  I think 99% of people have panics during intros but not many voice them, it is normal to feel worried and unsure as it is such a huge commitment and intros are very false and stressful no matter how lovely the FCs are.
OT x


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## fran68

Dear Oldtimer,
Thanks for your reply, it really helped to hear from you and that you too had those same feelings. I feel so much regret now and imagine this little girl here with us but it just isn't going to happen now, we've been told that it won't be possible to try again with her which is devaststing as she is the perfect little girl for us! We are frightened that if we continued with adoption and were matched to another child would we feel the same about them. So much to think about and feel that the clock is ticking!!
Thanks again
Fran


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## jitterbug

Hi Fran

It is such a shock isn't it? 

Our DD came home in August and half way through intros DH and I wept all the way home from the FC's house after dropping her off. We were unsure what we were doing, could we cope with it (I will be honest and say that although I liked her (!) and wanted to keep her safe, I had no feelings for her at all). I was so ashamed to feel like that especially as I kept reading about all these wonderful intros and I felt like I didn't deserve it and couldn't voice how I felt. The FC's were devoted to her and spoilt her rotten and DH adored her. I just didn't get it.

The first 6 weeks in placement were so hard. She showed her grief and feelings almost immediately (which is a good thing, at least she doesn't bottle things up!) but on top of having no feelings for her was a nightmare. We spoke at length to our SW and camhs and you know what? Love grows. She still has her moments (what child doesn't), but we both love her to bits. She is funny, kind and quirky. I forget that I didn't give birth to her - she is totally ours and I cry sometimes I love her so much.

It scares me how close we came to disrupting.

I think many, many people feel like this and it's great you're so honest.  

It's such an unnatural, full on, pressurised time and if you're not taking on a new born, then it's going from 0-60 in seconds and nobody, but nobody understands what that's like unless they've done it.  This child (this stranger) came to us with likes and dislikes and a personality and boy, was it a shock.

You need to analyse whether it is just the shock of this reality after so long waiting or whether it is this child in particular. For me it was having waited so long then feeling like I had to immediately love this child and be grateful. I didn't feel either!

I wish you the best of luck and please keep in touch. Kate xxxx


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## LBP

Hi everyone, we have only just started on the adoption journey but this has really struck a chord with me. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling after coming so far, but I am pretty sure I would be feeling exactly the same.  To take on someone else's child is a HUGE deal, and I am so in awe of everyone that has successfully done so.  I am sure it is completely natural to feel the way you do, please stay strong and remember that you started this journey because you and DH want a family and you have so much love to give,  it is right that you give some of that love to a child who needs a mommy and daddy.  You are already a very strong person to be able to voice your concerns, this setback will only make you and your family stronger.
Wishing you every happiness, LBP x


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