# Grandparents



## Charlie5 (Aug 2, 2007)

Hi everyone

I havent been on for ages I hope you dont mind me venting my feelings  ....  
I have two beautiful daughters one 2 andone 4.
The problem is im going back to work in November and the youngest daughter is going to be  looked after by Grandma 3 afternoons. I asked Grandma if she wouldnt mind caring for tilly mint for an hour or so just so she can get used to being on her own with her before november.
Am i sorry i asked!!!! In front of other relatives she pulled me down saying oh she will be fine she doesnt need to come round  she is a little girl i shouldnt protect her etc
  I was gob smacked!! And stated that she has been unsettled in the past ....

She replied "No No"
Is it me or what?
I dont want to see the woman again feel ike giving my job up


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Charlie,
No, it is most definitely NOT you, I would be equally miffed!  

Yes it's very nice of her to look after your little girl (her Grandchild though mind you) for a few afternoons a week, but when I mention that to my DH he rightly reminds me that no, it's what Grandparents usually do and also usually love to do so we shouldn't feel in debt to them in any way (Nemo goes to his Grandparents for a few hours in the afternoon once a week). They do love having him, but on the odd occasion it does sometimes feel like they are 'doing us a favour' iykwim.
I mention the above as I would imagine that's the point that she may feel she's 'got you' on, in that she's doing you a 'favour' so her terms should be good enough etc.

I completely understand how you feel as although Nemo loves going to Grandma and Grandad's and they love having him we started the tradition off for a another reason in addition to it being really positive for their relationship with him. I wanted him to go somewhere (if only to Grandma and Grandad's once a week) from early on and on a regular basis so that he knew Mummy and Daddy would be coming back again every time he was dropped off. I knew come pre-school or my getting a part-time job that this would then make him feel far more secure in this knowledge and not feel like he was being prepared to leave us   .
It's the same thing with your lo all of a sudden going to Grandma's for 3 afternoons a week, you are totally right to want to protect her sense of security and wellbeing by asking Grandma to have her for the odd hour or so first.

Would you be able to just gently explain that yes, she is a 'little girl' but in her 'little girl's mind' (all history etc taken into consideration) suddenly being left with someone else for 3 afternoons a week could translate that she may be moving on? 

It really annoys me when people totally dismiss the sensitive way we often have to play things with our lo's, especially relatives as they should know a bit better   
I can imagine it's extra hard though being that it's Grandma.

I would 100% feel the same as you and be equally annoyed   
I hope you somehow manage to get the point across to her without things getting awkward  

Anj x


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## Charlie5 (Aug 2, 2007)

Hi Anj

Thank you soooo much for your promt and sensitive reply.
They are coming round on Friday to chat about things.
I think i will have a little drink before handor I may hit the roof. I Just feel so upset about it  
Thankyou again for sharingyour experiance

Cx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Just had a thought........You could always be sneaky and tell her that your job starts before it does, leave your lo with them, then come back an hour later and say, I'm soooo sorry I got the date wrong   , it's tomorrow/next week/etc that I start  
I know it would only be the one occasion then though and not as ideal as a few 1 hour visits but at least your little girl will have been there on her own once for a shorter amount of time on the first visit and has seen that you come back for her. A bit devious, but hey ho 

Of course obviously plan 'A' is that it would be better to get through to them (as you rightly say, after a large glass of wine!) _why_ you'd like to take the route you've suggested in order for them to hopefully understand when anything else crops up in the future, but just as a plan 'B' 

Anj x


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## Charlie5 (Aug 2, 2007)

Hi
Lol thanks so much for plan B but ive told her the date 5th nov so no forgetting that one!!!
I just dont know why Grandma wants to make such a problem out of something that should be nice?

Thanks so muchxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Charlie, I've had an idea!

(And you're right to be miffed, she's pooh-poohed your approach as a mother, and that's what no mother should do!  She should be listening to you and Anj is right.  )

Anyway, my idea is I wonder if deep down she's actually quite anxious about looking after your LO on her own?  So her downplaying of your plan of how to handle it is actually a way of minimising how 'big' a deal it is in her mind, too?  Her implying you're fussing then becomes a sort of transference - there can't be a problem with HER because any potential problem is all in YOUR approach.... you see what I mean?

I don't think this would be in the front of her mind, but it could be the subconscious reaction to unacknowledged anxiety.  

So I guess part of the chatting it through with her is stressing how brilliant you know she's going to be, and it's not because she'll have any problems, but just because you want to make sure your LO isn't unsettled, and you want to be good and follow professional advice.... (blame it on anyone who might have status in Grandma's eyes!)

Just a thought.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

YOU ARE THE MUM! You know what's best for your daughters and you are the one who has been trained over the process in how to handle the special needs of adopted children. 
I think there's a lot to be said for AoC's comment about the grandmother thinking you're doubting her abilities in looking after her grandaughters and not understanding that you are thinking of your daughter not her. I think that there may be an element of showing off in front of others too
There are books you can get from BAAF that are specifically for explaining the needs of adopted children -it may be worth getting her it before your children go there.


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