# Feeling so down - failed cycle



## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi there,
I'm joining this section now. Found out today our first ICSI attempt was unsuccessful this morning. Feel totally devastated. I'd been having quite a few strange "symptoms" and was sure it had worked a couple of days ago. Been told to stop the Cyclogest now and I cant stop crying. Attempted to go to work this morning. Got to the station and turned round to come home again because I couldnt stop crying. I know it sounds pathetic but I really thought this was our time. Had so many horrible things happen recently (cancer in my family etc) and I just thought we were due a bit of luck for a change.

To anyone else who has been through failed cycles - how did you get over it because at the moment I feel like I never will. I spent a fortune on acupuncture, brazil nuts, pineapple and blimmin grape juice and rested for two weeks so cant see what I did wrong. 

Got a follow up appointment with consultant next Thursday to see where we go from here, but I gather we've got to wait a good few months before we can try again which feels like a lifetime.


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Daisypops so sorry to hear about your negative result. It's heartbreaking when it happens. All I can say is for me, I need time to be sad and to grieve and then I need a plan. You have to give yourself a little time to grieve and I think it's different for everyone. You have a consultation of Thursday which may give you some answers, and the opportunity to ask questions. It can also give you a plan and a way forward. Take care and good luck


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi Daisypops
Like you I thought we deserved a bit of luck.  2012 brought a lot of sadness, lost our cat, puppy got killed in the road, lost one of my best friends after a fall out with her and my DH, failed IVF ... then we got a BFP!!!! Then 8 weeks later we got a miscarriage.  Like you I thought my luck had changed and it clearly hadn't (yet).  All you can do is put it behind you (once you have given yourself time to be sad for a while) realise that the Universe isn't against you and be positive.  When I was younger I used to think of myself as such a lucky person, now I think of myself as an unlucky person ... the truth is you are neither it is just how you see things.  I have now decided being positive is the way to go then you are in control of your life and not at the mercy of it.  I am determined not to be a victim any more.  Have you read Katie Piper's autobiography?  I read that when I was really down and it really helped.  I thought OMG if she can deal with all of that and still be positive then so can I.  Good luck. xxx
By the way I have spent thousands of pounds on all sorts of acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, detoxes, pills, books, pineapples and the rest too, you're not the only one.  We are just trying to give it our best shot.  And one more thing -YOU did nothing wrong.  YOU did everything right, it's just bad luck.  It's the first BFN you've ever had.  That's hard.  Mine was my first miscarriage I'd ever had that was hard too.  But I did get through it and you will too.  All the women on here are amazing and some have been through so much.  Just be strong.  You will be OK. 
Thinking of you.  Love ange xxx


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Thanks so much for your positive words ladies. You've made me feel a lot better.  I think I'm all cried out now (I havent stopped all day!)  Hubby and I went for a walk this afternoon and I've decided I'm going to use the next few months to lose some weight and get fit and healthy. Hopefully that will increase my chances next time round. This morning I was feeling as though I wanted to give up but as we are using donor sperm and we have one vial left we are going to give it another shot when we can.

Cranky Angie - thanks for the book recommendation. I'll definitely check it out.

We booked a few nights away in a nice hotel this afternoon for over Easter. Just felt we needed something to look forward to. So that'll be nice.

Thanks again girls, I'm sure I'll be lurking around this board from now on until we try again.


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## Harve1 (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi Daisypops, I too know how you feel, I got my BFN on Tuesday after a failed frozen cycle following a miscarriage after a fresh cycle almost this time last year.  I could hardly bring myself to do the test after 2 weeks of waiting and more waiting.  I decided that if the result was BFN I was not going to cry as I thought I might never be able to stop.  I told myself that it was better to look forward rather than the past and what had just happened.  I had already made a plan in my head that if it was bad news we would go straight to the hospital to book a follow up appointment which on the NHS is usually 4-8 weeks BUT we were so lucky and have one on Monday!! This lifted my spirits as I was taking step in the right direction.  I have felt totally empty, fuzzy and like I am living in a bad dream - the feeling will pass, it just takes time and if you can lean on eachother in the bad times and pick eachother up it will help.  I have to remind myself there are two people hurting here as you can feel so alone - so I try to think of my partner and how I am can make an impact on him.  It is SO hard and you will feel disbelief, anger, sadness and empty but through experience I know that those feelings have passed - you just wish you could flick a switch and turn them off.  Its great you have a follow up soon.  I am going to try and give myself a break for a while, go with my feelings and plan the next steps.  It can happen, I think its easier to think of it as a another opportunity just as any normal preganancy (only secretly we know its much harder) but you WILL have another opportunity and hopefully the next one will be the one.  I read somewhere it can take a few rounds - its just gathering your strength emotionally and physically to be able to do it.  Im going to try everything I can to stay on top of it, to keep focused and focus on the future. I know exactly how you are feeling though and hope this email give you strength.  All is not lost, not a all x

I am 39
Partner 43
4 failed iuis
1 fresh IVF  (ended in miscarriage)
1 FET (BFN)


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Thanks so much for your reply Harve1.  Its nice to know other people understand what I'm feeling. My family and best friends are full of sympathy etc but I dont think anyone truly understands what its like unless you've been there and have suffered infertility. Not sure what I would do without this board!

Feeling slightly better today. Had two days off work now due to this BFN. The first was because of the shock and being unable to stop crying and yesterday was because of the excrutiating period pains I'm having this time round. Really need to pull myself together for Monday.

My plan now is to book up lots of exciting things to look forward to for the next three months to get me through this period of waiting around until I can start the next cycle.


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## Harve1 (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi Daisypops, glad your'e going to arrange lots of nice things to do. I said to my partner today that one way or another we would have a family one day, we would just have to be patient. Whether or not we get lucky with ivf or we adopt. I don't know if you saw Piers Morgan last night interviewing Torvil & Dean? Jane Torvil spoke about having ivf and she said any woman who has had it will now how traumatic it is. She adopted a little boy and said it was amazing. I believe it really must be, a guy at work adopted and he said it has been the best thing he's ever done - they too are really happy.  I know you mentioned your friends are very sympathetic and I also have some lovely friends who support us but you are right,unless you have been through it they don't really understand. I had a friend text me right in the middle of my ivf treatment to tell me she had found out she was pregnant with twins (naturally) she also has another child. It was about the worst thing I could have received right there and then. I know she didn't meant to hurt me but some people are so bloody stupid and thoughtless. I cried for a day and felt really tormented. It's those things that are difficult to deal with. 
Did you try acupuncture with your cycle? I had more of it with my fresh cycle and it helped deal with all the hormones and kept me quite calm. It can help get you prepared for a cycle and help get your body ready and help with the lining, eggs and general blood flow. My preparation for the next one will be to keep up with the fruits, vegetables, no caffeine, alcohol etc..carry on with yoga and pilates. As long as we know we do everything we can we can feel assured. Enjoy the weekend. I hope work is ok on Monday for you x


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi Harve1,
No I didn't see Piers Morgan last night but have recorded it so will watch it tomorrow.

Had another blow today. Our cat got run over and killed this morning. I just feel like its one bit of bad luck after another at the moment!  Hope some good news comes our way soon coz I cant handle much more!

I totally know what you mean about friends not thinking before they text you little things. I had a similar experience - I had literally just come round from EC and my hubby passed me my phone so I could text my mum about how it went, when my phone beeped and it was a text from a colleague saying she'd just had a baby boy! That really was the last thing I wanted to read at that particular point!  

I did try acupuncture the whole way through my last cycle and found it quite relaxing and it did seem to get rid of some headachws during down regging but to be honest I spent a fortune on it and not sure if I'm going to do it again next time round. I have invested in the Zita West relaxation CDs though so will use them throughout the next cycle.

Did you try the pineapple and brazil nuts?


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi Daisypops

I'm so sorry to read your story and I know just how you feel, I've just had my first failed cycle too and it's horrible. I really believed it was out time and I had dreams/visions/feelings I "just knew" it had worked so imagine my shock and surprise when I started bleeding heavy yesterday, 5 days before my OTD... My af couldn't even be kind and let me get to OTD, I didn't even get a chance to pee on a stick.

Like you, I also had my best friend text me the day after my ET, (she was the only one who knew about my treatment) and she told me she was pregnant.... Seriously So if this cycle had worked we would have been due a month apart... 

Anyway enough of my little rant! I am just sorry that another lady who deserves this break has been made to suffer. I really hate this infertility badge that we have to wear. It's so cruel and completely out of our control and I think that makes it harder to deal with. 

Good luck for your follow up appt chic and I hope you get some answers, I hope u can use this time before your next cycle to recharge and take care of yourself before embarking on this madness again... I must admit, it scares me so much doing it again.

Hopefully will see you on a cycle buddies thread in the near future!! 

Big hugs hunny xxxxxx


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Sorry to see you on this board Bambi - I was hoping your bleeding was implantation. I've heard so many times it works better the second time round so that the clinic know how our bodies respond to the drugs etc, so we need to try and be positive that it will happen for us at the next attempt. Not sure what we'll do if it doesnt as we only have the money for one more shot.

Dreading going back to work tomorrow and having to act like everything is normal when inside I'm grieving.

Big hugs to you Bambi. Book up some nice things to look forward to coz that seems to have helped me a bit

xx


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## Harve1 (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi Daisypops, I am sorry to hear your cat was killed today, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. That is so sad and you must feel as if everything is against you. It seems as if lots of very sad things happened to Angie too on this thread. It's just rotten but something nice always follows a run of bad times. It won't continue, have faith. I know it feels as if the world is against you sometimes, I had a funny day today, think it was because it was Mother's Day and I suddenly thought that if I had not miscarried we would have had a 3 month old baby. It is very painful to dwell on so I try not think about it for too long. I keep telling myself to keep strong, stay focused, look to the future. Easier said then done, sometimes it's possible other days like today I just felt flat and empty. I know it won't last but it's bloody difficult. My partner was also very sad today. It can really consume you can't it.
I'm saying a prayer for you and your little cat, bless them. I hope you and your partner find comfort in eachother and from other people on this thread.  Stay strong for tomorrow. Be strong and know lots of others are right with you x


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi all,
Just wanted to let you know that I had my follow up appointment yesterday and came out feeling a lot more positive. My consultant said she would tweak the drugs slightly next time and I'm to start taking a low dose of aspirin as from now. She said there was no particular reason it hadn't worked and it hasn't been a waste of time or anything because they now know how my body responds to the drugs. I was worried she'd advise me to have my fibroid removed but she said it isn't causing any problems and can be left well alone (which I'm relieved about!)  She seemed quite confident for the next cycle and said to take some time out to recover fully and make an appointment when we are ready to go again. Going on holiday in June so gonna wait until we are back and then get started again.


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Glad your feeling better daisypops! It is better once you've had the follow up isn't it. I had mine on Wednesday and feel like a different person.

Can I ask you as I forgot to ask mine, what did they say about your fertilisation rate or why only a small number of your eggs were mature. I only got 2/7 fertilise but I can't remember if they mentioned that at all? Think they said that possibly next time they may try icsi??

Hope you have a lovely holiday and get yourself back on track and strong enough to start round 2. I will be   that this is your time xx


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## daisypops (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi Bambi,
Thanks for your kind reply. I did ask my consultant about my eggs. She said they weren't the best quality. I asked if there was anything I can do to improve that and she said not really and that it was mainly down to luck. She said the quality can vary from cycle to cycle. I tried to up the amount of protein I was eating last time but found it really difficult to get the recommended 60g, so I'm just gonna have to try harder next time in the hope that it helps.

Tell me about it - I said to DH yesterday what a difference a week makes - this time last week I was practically suicidal and now I'm back at work in the old routine with lots of things to look forward to I feel so much better! 

I've heard so many times that its more likely to work the second time round so fingers crossed and lots of prayers for both of us!!

Where abouts are you having your treatment? I'm at Chelsfield Park in Kent.


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