# Anxiety - am I going mad??



## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi ladies

Bit of a strange one but wondering whether I’m alone on this.....being a few years into our IVF journey have found over the years my anxiety has become an issue (under control but aware of it)......one of the main things weirdly which seems to cause me anxiety is my home not being “perfect” I have it in my head that any “imperfections “ ie. fine cracks in walls, paint work not perfect etc makes me feel anxious and it bothers me - I feel like I need the home to be perfect and would make me feel better......sounds so stupid but is what it is.....just wondering if there is anyone out there that understands??

Xxx


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## Pognut (Apr 8, 2012)

*sticks hand up* me! I have always been a bit of a worrier, but 5 years of IVF has made me seriously anxious. What you're saying doesn't sound stupid at all, it sounds like anxiety. I've been seeing a counsellor - a fertility one - who has really, really helped. A big part of it has just been accepting that yeah, right now I *am* going to worry about random stuff, because IVF is stressful and I'm trying to find ways to control things that I just can't control (the IVF), which has spread out to unrelated things like worrying my partner will fall down the stairs and brain herself if her laces are loose, etc...   (so far, she has managed to get to nearly 50 without doing this, as she points out every so often).

It is *totally* normal. It's horrible, though, so if you can get some help with it - maybe see your GP? - that might make life easier for you.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

No your not the only 1. And your not mad. 

Imperfections in my house make me angry , anxious and depressed. They also make me feel like a failure  ie I can't have a child and I don't have a nice house  what have I done with my life... along those sort of lines ifywim 

Past few days have been awful .  I've really struggled with undergoing another ivf cycle 'given the mess the worlds in do we really need more people' kind of thinking. 

Today Im off work and busied myself with cleaning tidying and hoovering. Now I'm worried I've popped or destroyed my 10 nice follies I had on yesterday's scan from being too stressed and lifting my hoover . I'm not sure if follies can pop but in my mind they can  

So Yeh. .completely get where your coming from
IVF makes you a total control freak  xx


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## Nicnik (Feb 17, 2016)

Hi Nat,

We are on the Serum thread together but I am glad you started up this one.  

You are most definitely not alone in feeling seriously anxious. I have always been a worrier, but over the last 4-5 years since going through IVF, the worry / anxiety has become so much worse.  I sometimes feel like IVF is slowly killing me (I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels at times).  I wake up between 4-5am every single morning and the minute I wake up I get a tight anxious feeling in my tummy and my mind goes a hundred miles an hour, thinking about anything and everything...it makes me feel so out of control.  I also hear you on the perfection thing - I have always been a bit of a perfectionist anyway, but yes, small imperfections irritate me and if my house is not clean and tidy, it makes me feel more anxious. I think it's a control thing. 

I have been thinking for a while now about going to the doctor to get anti-depressants (for anxiety....and probably a bit of depression), but I worry about the affects and any harm medications could have on a potential embryo / baby and don't really want any unecessary chemicals in my body, as I try to be as toxin-free as possible.  That said, it is getting to the stage where I feel I need to do something, because I worry that the anxiety will stop me from falling pregnant, since the body / mind ideally needs to be as relaxed as possible...and I never ever feel relaxed, always tension in my body and a busy mind. 

Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling a bit, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling like this.  As Pognut said, maybe counselling is the way forward for us?  I've tried it before and it didn't do much good for me, but maybe it was just the wrong counsellor for me.  Take care. xxx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Pognut- thank you so much hun. I am on a waiting list with my GP Surgery for counselling - I have had some before in the past which did help - your so right I have thought this that is it that because I can’t control the whole ivf and infertility side of my life I’m trying to control things I can as such.......thank you so much for your reply hun xxx

KJade - thank you Hun (recognise you from the pincushion board) - awwww Hun don’t be worrying those follicles are well protected in there - I have treatment in Athens and when we did our OE cycles I always had a major cleaning blitz at home before flying out and never effected the follicles hun.......but unfortunately this is anxiety isn’t it - doesn’t matter how much you know something is irrational you can’t help but feel or think it.....good luck with your upcoming EC. Thank you for your reply. 

I love this forum. Within minutes go from feeling a complete lonely loon to feeling like this happens to people don’t worry. 

Thank you ladies so so much xxx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Nicnik

Thank you for your reply hun - sorry to hear you have been going through it too.....but it’s weirdly reassuring knowing we are not alone with feeling this way.....the whole perfectionism thing is me to a T and I think the whole being out of control with IVF want to be in control of other things - my mum said the other day she is going to get us a sign for our house THE CRACK HOUSE ha ha!!! Because I go on about find hairline cracks in the walls or coving in ceiling so much ha!!!! Just wish I could switch off and relax - the thing is I know deep down I’m being ridiculous as houses will always have fine cracks that’s just movement but I want everything perfect - but what is ever perfect!? 

I would definately try counselling again. Sometimes you need to find the right one. I’m not sure on anti depressants and affects on fertility or embryos (definately a question for the clinic as Penny at Serum would definately be able to advise you)  

You ladies have been so lovely with your replies. Glad I took the step and asked. 

Xxx


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## Nicnik (Feb 17, 2016)

Thanks Nat.  

Hahahaha..."The Crack House", at least you can see some humour in the situation!    Exactly, there  is no such thing as a perfect house, perfect life etc, but it's all about being in control of other things, because IVF is so out with our control.  

Yeah, I think I'll do a google search for local counsellors today in my lunch hour.  If I go via the GP there is a 2-3 month waiting list, which is no use, I need help now, especially since my ET will be in around 6 weeks time.  I need to feel calmer before then, so I have no choice but to go privately. I'll also email Sofia and ask about their thoughts on anti-depressants, but whatever they say, I'm just now sure I would want to take the risk.  How long do you think you'll have to wait to see a counsellor via your GP?  xx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi 

My GP had a 3 month waiting list and I have been on it for that time now so assuming should get appointment soon. Because of saving for treatment couldn’t afford to go privately. 

Yeah I see what you mean hun I would be the same - even if they say they are safe you don’t want to put anything additional into your body if you don’t have to on top of all the hormones etc. 

I find the meditation app help me quite a bit - I have Mindful IVF and Headspace. Worth a look hun 

I just wish I could get into the head space that I assume most people are that hairline cracks in coving or down the stairs etc etc are a normal part of a house. Houses move so little hairline cracks appear. I know it. But they bother me. But let’s face it if you try filling every tiny little crack that appears in your house would be like playing that game at the fair where you have a big hammer and have to knock the things down that pop up - they keep popping up in different places ha!!. For me currently I think I would like to have the house perfect for if I was pregnant ready for a baby  - but even if it was perfect houses change and effectively are never perfect and always need maintenance etc etc. 

Good luck with checking for counsellors hun

Xxx


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## Sasanach17 (Nov 17, 2017)

OMG ladies, this is me!!

I have my OH driven insane at how OCD and anxious I get about stuff around the house. I definitely think this is linked to my fertility issues and not being able to "fill my nest" so I get funny about having to do it in other ways. However, the anxiety has crept in to other aspects of my life so just this morning I went to my GP about it. Rationally I know obsessing and stressing about certain things is not "normal". TTC greatly limits the options you have for treating anxiety / depression (no medication) so I've been recommended "talking therapy" (fancy word for counselling). 

I've started to get really bad social anxiety - work situations I'm totally fine but when it comes to being around big groups of friends or family terrifies me. Roll back 5 years ago and I was the life and soul of things, I was so out going.. Now, I have no idea who I am and would rather hide behind the couch than put on a pair of heels and go mix with people. 

I think the hardest thing is that infertility isn't exactly a "socially acceptable" illness and talking about it openly just isn't a done thing. So instead we are forced to suffer it out in silence


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hey hun

First of all sending you a hug down the line.....

You did the right thing going to see your GP and hopefully counselling will help you - I have done it before and it did help a lot to help me process things better......although could possibly do with some again but on a waiting list.....

I can totally relate to what your saying - I remember one of the things I said to the counsellor was “I don’t feel like me anymore” and it’s true sadly I think when infertility goes on it takes a bit of you......

The anxiety around the house is horrible because for me I love my home and want to feel totally relaxed at home not worrying about fine hairline cracks which appear or marks on the woodwork etc etc. It’s “silly” I know but still it’s there.....

It’s so nice knowing we are not alone with this....

Are you getting counselling through your GP hun?

Xxx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi

Not sure what has happened but I did a reply last night and seems to have disappeared  

Firstly think you did the right thing going to see you GP - it’s the first step and I think the hardest one as it’s admitting you need some help - my GP had a waiting list for counselling which I am on still - think it’s been 3 months - what’s things like with your GP?

I think it’s only natural with ongoing infertility that anxiety creeps in one way or another - but still not nice and not something we want to be happening - the thing is you kind of know your thoughts are unreasonable but still can’t help thinking them. 

For me personally I just wish I could relax more - my issue is fine hairline cracks which appear in coving or walls in the house or marks on paintwork. Sounds ridiculous but it causes me anxiety because I want it all perfect. But as people tell me houses move all the time and there will always be little fine cracks in places (not great big things) and there will always be something to do in a house. Your house will never be DONE/FINISHED it’s an ongoing project always as such. 

Glad you messaged on here hun. Nice to know we are not alone in our feelings. 

Xxx


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