# Mothers Day



## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

I had a really difficult day yesterday    I didn't expect to feel so awful. I went out for a meal with my family for mothers day, my two sisters were there as well as my mum, and they are both mums too.  It was lovely seeing everyone, including my gorgeous niece and nephew, but then the waiter came over with three 'special drinks' announcing that these were complimentary drinks for the mums. I was the only one who wasn't a mum at our table and instantly felt very uncomfortable and left out.  I felt like my vulnerability about my infertility was exposed, the fact I am not a mother highlighted for all to see! My DH went for my hand under the table and held it, it felt lovely that he knew the impact this would have on me, I think he knew before I did! I felt really tearful, but pulled myself together.  Then at the end of the meal the waiter came over again with three flowers for 'the mums', I couldn't believe it, I felt like punching him, it just felt so painful....yeah come over again and rub it in my face why don't you!  My dad, who is very sensitive, knew how this must have felt and said something about it, but my Mum was like "what, what, what it is" and when dad quietly tried to point out how I might feel, mum tried to give me her flower loudly saying "well you're a step-mum have mine".  I felt really annoyed with her, I know she was trying to help, but for me having stepchildren does not in any way make up for not having my own baby, in fact for me sometimes it makes it harder and giving me her tulip wasn't going to make it better...IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BLOODY FLOWER!!  I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could, as I was holding back the tears.  Then when we got outside my dad gave me a big hug and I just broke down, right there outside the restaurant, I just couldn't hold it in!  Then I felt bad as I was worried I was spoiling it for my mum and sisters.  They were all lovely and gave me big hugs, but I just don't want to be this person who breaks down in tears outside restaurants and needs these hugs, I don't want to care that I can't seem to get pregnant and everyone else seems to be able to.  I just felt so full of conflicting emotions, on the one hand I was glad they could see how painful this is at times, but on the other I hate them seeing my vulnerability and don't want them to feel bad or sorry for me.  I was glad my dad and DH could see how I felt and acknowledge my feelings, but on the other hand I wanted no-one to say anything at all, it's just too painful.


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## LadyPatience (Feb 6, 2014)

Hello,

I came across your post and couldn't read and run! I'm so sorry you had a hard day yesterday - infertility really opens the eyes to how insensitive things and people can be. The very idea of mums being presented with "special" drinks and flowers is unthinkably insensitive and for me stuff like this just makes me think really b*tchy things... which can just make you feel worse!!

You're not alone - far from it!



LP XXX


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Wisp, your gorgeous dad and DH.  You are so lucky to have them.

Please don't feel bad for breaking down and showing your feelings.  Mother's Day is enough to break even the strongest of us.  I put a stupid amount of importance onto dates, I always have done, and Mother's Day is very traumatic for me.

I spent this year alone.  I had my final OTD in the morning, a conclusive BFN, and my DH decided to take his children on a mini break with his family who believe that my stepchildren should be my priority and I am selfish for wanting a baby.  It was right up there with the worst days of my life.

You are so brave for going out for dinner and celebrating with your Mum and sisters.  I'm ashamed to say that I just couldn't do it this year.  I did speak to my Mum and she pretty much gave me the same response as your Mum, with the added bonus that my BFN should be easier this time as I've been there before  

I did pack my miserable self off for a bit of retail therapy and a shop was giving out chocolates to the Mums.  I didn't even get offered one, I clearly don't even look like a Mum.  I suppose what Mum would be wandering around town by herself if she had children?

I don't know what's happened recently, we have become just advertising crazed.  What product isn't a proud sponsor of Mums.  It's all amplified a million times around Mother's Day and it feels like we're second class citizens if you don't have children.  No one cares why.

Thank God it's over for another year.  Sending you so many hugs from a fellow fed upper xxxx


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Mothers Day is the devil! Nothing gives you a good kick in the ovaries like the hero-worship of mothers!! Your DH and dad sound amazing xxx

Last year I got my first ever Mother's Day card from my SS, this year I got nothing because we've had a falling out with his mother. It's so hard not to feel resentment towards SS.

I still hate the Iceland advert 'because mums are heroes' what toss!!! Some self righteous mothers you just feeling like saying to: Congratulations, you've spawned, something millions of women have done for thousands of years, kindly pull your head out of your backside and get over yourself!!!!!  

Big big big big hugs xxxxxxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Wisp,

Sending you lots of hugs. I had a **** day too, my mother and I have a difficult relationship. I have been her emotional crutch all my life. I lost my dad last year, and he sounds a lot like your dad. He was caring, loving, sensitive. And your DH sounds lovely too. Wrap them around you. I'm so sorry you feel so down, be good to yourself. You are much stronger than you think, you really are......

Molly99, I'm so sorry for your BFN, really hurts. Big love to you. 

     

Rubster xxx


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Sending you all    and don't worry Wisp, I usually find myself crying inside the restaurant so you did well to wait until you were outside...

I've just updated my diary as Mother's Day was tough for me too and thought I would share (forgive the copy and paste). I had just got back from my mum's grave, I was feeling sad, sorry for myself, on the verge of weepy but holding it together. I decided to do something to occupy myself and decided first to check my e-mails.

One of my favourite stores had sent an e-mail entitled 'Happy Mother's Day'. I get 2 or 3 e-mails a week from this store and no-matter what the heading it is always about a new item in stock or the latest discounts and sales. My preview pane opened it up&#8230;

And there is black and white, was everything I was feeling sad about.

Whilst indeed it was reminding me how lovely their clothes are, the opening paragraph was telling me how great it was to have our mothers on such a special day, it waxed lyrical about it&#8230;

Then the next sentence became the killer blow, telling me that "as we become mothers ourselves", it is only then that we realise how special our mothers truly are.

I lost the plot and clicked the customer care e-mail address:

_Dear Sir/Madam

I know that it will not be your fault, but I wanted to let you know how upsetting your latest e-mail has been. Telling me how wonderful mother's are and how wonderful it is to be a mum makes a painful day so much worse. I have just returned from putting flowers on the grave of my mum (she was only 66) and a single flower for the stone teddy that sits beside her grave for the miracle I miscarried. This should have been my first mother's day.

Please be aware for next year that there will be hundreds of thousands of people who have lost their mum and find this a painful reminder. There will also be thousands of women who cannot have children no matter how much they long to be a mother.

I'm now sitting here in floods of tears just because I opened my e-mails. Happy Mother's Day indeed..._

No reply from them so far&#8230;

Please believe me when I say I don't normally do things like this, but there is only so much a girl can take!

Turia x


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Wisp   mothers day is vile.  Similar happened to me 2 years ago.  We were out for Sunday lunch with my family and the waitress came over to give my Mum some chocolates (and a book - weird).  She stood across the table from me and virtually shouted "are you a Mum yet?".  This was just weeks after we found out my DH sadly has no sperm and I did not see how I would ever be a mother, let alone 'yet'.  I managed not to cry but it was totally awful for me and ruined the whole thing for everyone.

Turia   and good for you.  I hope they send you a grovelly reply.  There are so many groups of people that mothers day must be so painful for.  Anyone who's lost their mum, anyone who's lost a child, lost a pregnancy, infertile....

 everyone else.


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## Gwen A (Mar 19, 2014)

Wisp, Molly, Rubster, scribbles, Bumble Bus, LadyPatience, Turia and anyone else reading this with similar feelings and experiences    

My family have very little problem getting pregnant, but too many of them are shockingly awful parents. My mother even criticises women for conceiving at the wrong time of year. My father is an emotionally abusive bully who should be legally barred from being anywhere near children. My uncle kept on making comments on my ** page that my lack of children was because I was selfish, even though the man spent more on both cigarettes and alcohol individually than feeding his children. Yet they get the plaudits.

What helps get me through is the thought you become a parent when you start loving your child. Most are lucky enough to met and hold their child. Some of us don't, but that makes us amazing mothers in our own right.


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Not as bad as Mother's Day but who else is fending off all the fake pregnancy announcements for April Fools Day? Ha bloody ha, hilarious....NOT!!!! Just had a right go at my cousin who can't understand why I can't see the funny side.


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## Gwen A (Mar 19, 2014)

A very good friend of mine posted a picture listing all the people who would be hurt by such a 'joke'.


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## Ktd185 (Oct 7, 2013)

.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Turia, you are my hero  

Thank you very much for emailing the store.  I wish that I could have signed it too.  I'm not that way inclined but I wish that we could start a petition for sensitive advertising xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog Ktd, that must have been heartbreaking.  My dog saves my life sometimes, the bond is particularly special when you don't have children.  I took her to a special place where I scattered the ashes of my special furbaby.  Losing a dog is something that lots of people don't quite understand either but I do xxxx


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi ladies, big hugs for you all, and Turia I am applauding you for that e-mail! I found Sunday hard. Why is it society treats you as if you're not a valid female until you've reproduced? All I could think about on sunday was the baby I lost, and how rubbish my mum has been about it all. I was just replaying everything that had happened. I should have been an almost-mummy this mothers day. Instead there's just loss.


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## LadyPatience (Feb 6, 2014)

They say that there's enough happiness to go around in the world and that someone else's joy shouldn't diminish or threaten your own... but it's difficult to remember that sometimes, and especially on days like mother's day. 

This is why I came off ******** - couldn't deal with the self-congratulatory crap / heroine-worship / propaganda that was being plastered all over the place and doubtless all weekend. Hate to be a total b*tch but it doesn't take a genius or a hero to make a baby, does it? There's plenty of evidence for that out there, sadly...


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hello to you all and thank you, thank you, thank you for all your replies, they mean so much.  

It is so sad that we are all going through this, but I am glad we can share things and support each other, it feels good to not be alone in it, even though I wish none of us were in this situation! Sending you all lots of big hugs back   It sounds like people have had some really painful experiences    Thank you for taking care of me


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Just thought I would let you all know that I have had a reply, it just came in yesterday:

_"I would first of all like to apologise for the delay in response.

Thank you for your email, and for bringing this delicate issue to our attention. We are really sorry for your losses, and we would like to ensure you that the email was not intended to cause any upset; our intention was to mark a much celebrated day and extend our wishes to all our customers.

We will be communicating your feedback to our design and marketing team, and ensuring this is considered in the next year's email communication.

Please accept our sincerest apology and deepest understanding for your grief.
Kind Regards"_

I will write back and thank them. We will see what happens next year...

Hope everyone is doing ok 

Turia x


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

That reply is pretty decent of them.  Really glad they have apologised properly and understood why their email would have been upsetting.

I really applaud you for having written to them in the first place.  We should all do it when these insensitive things happen.

x


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## flowerfly33 (Oct 26, 2011)

Turia - you're amazing!  Thanks for writing the e-mail you did.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Wow, great follow up from them.  I wasn't sure whether they would just come back with a standard Mum's are our best customers type thing.  It's pretty sensitive really.

Thank you again for sending this Turia, it feels like you have done it for all of us xxx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Turia

Good for you for taking a stand!

I had a similar thing happen to me, about a year and a half ago I purchased something online from a company specialising in baby stuff and ever since I have received their advertising material in the post.

I could cope with it to begin with but as time went on I found it harder and harder to open the envelope and see yet another advertising pamphlet addressed to "Mummies and Daddies".

So I bit the bullet and phoned them, I explained why I wanted to be taken off their mailing list and I was very polite about it as, it clearly wasn't their fault they weren't to know! 

They were very understanding and I felt so relieved, so when the next one arrived I was slightly annoyed I called again and again was polite about it and said please take me off the mailing list! Again I was assured that I was!

Then another of their postal bombs arrived, I should just have binned it but I didn't know what it was before I opened it so I called them for the third time and begged them to take me off the list I told them I am about to start my third ivf cycle and I just can't take the constant reminders, although inadvertent that I am not a mummy when their adverts arrive!

I just hope that I have actually been taken off the list now as it's just cruel.

I know it sounds silly and the educated woman in me says just bin it but the infertility sufferer in me says why are you doing this to me?

I think we should all be able to say how we feel about this stuff, you wouldn't expect a person suffering from any other kind of problem to put up with a constant reminder of what they don't have or have lost, but there is just so little understanding out there about IF!

Pudding
X


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

So glad that you got a sensitive reply from them.

I think it is important that we try to highlight the experiences and issues those with IF face. The thing is before this happened to me I never_ really _ understood either, even when my sister was struggling to conceive I actually had no idea how awful it was for her, until now. People just don't get it and it seems to be something that isn't talked about. My Dad recently said to me that he heard a fertility expert talking on radio two about how IF is like grief but it doesnt get better with time it often gets worse, he said it really helped him to understand what it must be like for me. The thing is it's so hard for us to tell people as it's so painful to talk about. There does need to be more education out there for everyone including employers, who may have no idea either and we often have to talk to them to get time off etc!


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Wisp

That sounds exactly what it is like doesn't it!

I have tried so many times to put the feeling into words but couldn't get there and that one sentence says it all!

I tried to describe our last chemical to somebody and I said it is like a very early miscarriage, we tested early because we wanted to know if we had another chemical so we could try and find out why through further tests, she said to me yes but it isn't really a miscarriage is it? its just not being pregnant!

Its a shame she wasn't at our house when I tested BFP and again on OTD when I tested BFN so she could see what it was like for me otherwise I don't think she would have said what she did!

We had two days of knowing implantation had occured and being pregnant and that is the closest I have got.

Again as we have all said so many times people just don't get it if they don't suffer from IF! 

Pudding
x


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi girls

Good on you Turia for that email, I had a terrible mothers day weekend, DP was in another city seeing his 3 year old daughter, Sat pm I came hope to a donor checklist outlining what hair colour, eye colour, height etc I required in my donor then my mum had sent me a card off the cats, so lovely of her but both those things together I couldn't handle, had a big cry


So glad I wasn't in that restaurant, my DP would of been clueless, he came home from his mums that Sunday night and referenced how much his daughter is looking like him, and how similar he is to his dad and then commented something his mum was good at that he is must 'run in the genes' all this must of been within about 10 mins! X


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Oh Lilly

That must have been so hard for you, I cant imagine what it is like to have step kids added to the pain of IF so I cant offer any advice I just couldn't read your post and not offer you my moral support! 

Even our partners don't always understand how hard it is for us, i imagine its even harder when they already have children, a remark that they think to be innocent can hit us hard cant it!

Pudding
X


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Pudding, that is so insensitive isn't it? How awful you had to endure hearing that sort of thing on top of it all  .  Two days knowing you were pregnant is real.  You're right people just don't get it and say hurtful things because of that.

Lilly, I'm sorry you had an awful day too and that your DP said all the wrong things.  That must have felt so painful  .  I find it hard sometimes when my DH says lots of wonderful things about his children (10 & 6), sometimes I just don't want to hear it and then I get lots of negative thoughts like if we have a baby will he love it as much, I know he would, but these thoughts just pop up and torment me sometimes!  I think I just feel very jealous sometimes  and I hate admitting that.  I find it really hard having step-children and IF.


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