# Fertile people. I still struggle to comprehend them



## K jade

I'm not looking for advice.  Or even to vent really. 

I've moved on from my fertility journey that encompassed almost a decade . After having my beautiful boy I no longer sit with the sadness at the loss of my fertility and  path I took to get my 1 and only child.

But now and again I get caught off guard. Today the news of a person I dont even know that doesnt even matter to me is pregnant (honey moon baby) sent me spiralling. So much so I left the bloody cooker on and nearly gassed us all.

The idea that people just have sex and that's it completely belwilders me. The idea that people need to use contraception because otherwise pregnancy just happens  completely floors me.
I struggle to get my head around it. Around how far away me and my partner are from ever being that. In this life and the next.

Most of the time I'm accepting of everything. But now and again the pain of infertility rears its ugly head.

I know people here get it. 

I forgot how cathartic writing can be
Thank you for this space.


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## Miss Sunshine22

Hi K jade

Your post made so much sense to me  - I totally get what you say!! My friend has 9 - yes 9 - children. At least 3 were "surprises" as they were conceived at what she thought was the wrong time of the month. How   This baffles me   How does that even happen?

We've been considering the dreaded fertility road again and I felt indignant that my husband had to do the viral tests for HIV, Hep etc when it's a frozen embryo transfer. When I said his deed was done and asked why we needed to fork out £140 for him to have tests I know will be negative I was sanctimoniously told by the clinic it was for "The Welfare of the Child" - whaaaat?? Makes no sense to me - if it's that relevant to child welfare why aren't partners of all pregnant women forced to be tested    

The world of the fertiles ... Baffling ....


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## K jade

Oh miss sunshine how insulting ! And if he had HIV or heb c what, that's it hes banned from being a father for the 2nd time. What kind of   is that?!.  u know it's just beaurctatic nonsense but still . I dont know what plannet these people are on sometimes. 

So glad I'm not alone here and my waffle makes sense.

I agree I also hear these baffling stories from time to time, where people claimed to have conceived (I was on the pill etc )but when u do the numbers and apply your wealth of biology knowledge it doesn't add up  

I now tell myself that maybe there is no biology in this at all. That it's all something else and if were lucky enough to have a longed for child then it's simply a case that were having the child we are meant to have.

I find more peace with that theory. As you say the biology can be too hard to get your head round at times.
And I of course truly believe I have the child I was meant to have. 

I'm not really religious but sometimes I have to hold my hands up and say this is all god/universe whatever. Theres no science here as science is supposed to make sense. And it doesn't make sense.

I need to rise above it. It doesnt matter. Other people's fertility doesnt matter. Most if them are just random acquaintances. They are nothing to me. But u know how it is u also need to sometimes take a moment to have a good rant 

Sending u the very best of luck for your FET . 

Exciting times ahead!   xx


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## Leenaj

Hi a few years ago I introduced a thread please do not judge....basically the theme is pretty much of this thread. I cannot get my head round the fact people can actually have sex and obtain a child.... like that just sounds way to easy. I think it would be harder to perhaps get the right job, or even shed some pounds...anything else but have a child through simple intercourse. 

I have 2 children now through IVF. I know on this site there maybe some with more, some with less and some with none after years of battling this **** called infertility. But I would like another and I am scared to admit that on this site because of the struggle that couples have to even have the 1. But everyone’s story is different and mine now is the pursuit of another one. I would have wanted three if I wasn’t infertile and I am willing to carry on trying until I know I cannot succeed. 

So even after my journey so far do I feel like the process of infertility and the war against it has made me part of the normal fertile club ? No. 

You would think after being successful that I would just forget about the struggle. But I haven’t and I won’t. It’s made me stronger in some ways as it made me realise I can fight even when during the darkest days I just wanted to sit at home and cry. But I do still have these horrid anxieties about I suppose about other normal fertile people, especially some people who I think are a waste of space and they manage to have child naturally of course.  It makes me resent them for having what nearly a lot of people in the world can have very easily that I cannot. 

Currently I am surrounded by so many people who have just had a child or a  expecting one and it’s still hard for me to accept that. I am happy for a lot of them but there is always a little voice in my head that makes me envious because I just couldn’t have a child naturally, it still kills me. Do i go to baby showers ...nope... for me it will always difficult thing to accept that for nrmal people this is how it works..its easy. My own mother was sterilised electively at 28 years old ( way back in early 90s)  having her 3 children and she really didn’t want anymore. Even this is so hard for me to understand... she had her tubes clipped after my brother whom was an accident. God I would love that accident to happen to me. My cousin has managed to time her children around them being born in the autumn because she wasn’t happy about summer born children starting school at age 4 rather than nearly 5 and tbh I felt like exploding when I heard this because at the time I was struggling to even have child let alone time their birth months. 

Because I am about to potentially  start a new cycle I have started to buy Brazil nuts, back on folic acid, making Dh go on fertilaid. Just had bloods, amh, scans done...and I need chase the amh actually tomorrow. The other day I had a lot going on and just felt a bit fed up and I had said DH this is how it all starts for us doesn’t it...the tests, the consultations etc. My friends sister is 44 both her and Dh were on furlough and said they had plenty of more time for each other and hey presto she is expecting a baby in June. I get told by my consultant a month ago well past 40 things get very difficult with own eggs blah blah... then why and how do people like my friends sister manage it ? Me currently not working but looking after our 19 month old and DH Has been shielding on and off....this extra time made no difference at all in terms of getting pregnant...known tang for a long time. 

It is jjust is so unfair. Fertile people wouldn’t know about amh , antral follicle count and I think most women on here should seriously be awarded a gynaecologist qualification given how much knowledge they have. 


So for me I have accepted I love my children and I so grateful for them, but the journey will always haunt me.


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## wilberdoo

I totally get this! Started journey for our second child and I’m so fed up at how complicated it all is. I agree, don’t feel part of the fertile club, people who get pregnant naturally **** me off!!! And accidents pfft! 
Bloody Bloody unfair. I had started to be ok with pregnancy announcements but now I’m back trying I find I am not!
My sister in law is due in 6 weeks (my much younger brother), so easy for them grrrrr


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## K jade

Leenaj and wilberdoo big hugs to both u ladies.
I completely relate to everything u have both said. 

When people get pregnant from basically doing nothing it completely undermines and belittles everything we have gone through.  
Now of course I know no1 gets pregnant to slap us in the face out of malice. But that's how it feels.

Was thinking earlier it's the difference between being a self made millionaire and winning the lottery really 

You've worked 24 hours a day to build your business. Worked like a dog , fingers to the bone day in day out. Your finally reaping the rewards.
Then someone sails past with a winning lottery ticket. And a smug grin. And they keep sailing past. Lots of them . Then they go back and get another winning ticket.
Meanwhile your sweating and crawling having worked for every single dam penny!

That's my analogy anyway.

Sending love to all your amazing ladies and miracle babies 
Xx


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## Leenaj

Hi all

I think what really bugs me is 1. I have to make sure my body and DH body are right...i lost half stone as i thought it would benefit me, DH i asked to stop alcohol ( not even reduce it and i know he thinks im taking a little luxury away from him), but i am so paranoid about the tiniest thing that may reduce our chances 2. I have to make sure we have money...with the tests and scans and drugs money just goes like water 3. I have to make sure we have time and booka cycle when it's the right time such coinciding with when we won't be as busy with work ....

So  when I used to go to baby showers reluctantly then you kmow there would be details of when they might have conceived and lots of stupid giggling. In my head i would think well you really don't know what I had to do...i had to make the time, take lots of time off suspiciously at work, and save up...and as such that's what gets me and makes me really want to kick and scream and shout about it...that normal fertile people have sex for free...yes it's free in their leisure time and produce a baby at the end of it. I am booking time off work unpaid as i am self employed to do this and i am going to spend a whole load of it in one go....yeh great.

DH copes with it better and his single sentence will be that poop happens to everyone. This was our poop...and that's it. He doesn't hate anyone for it and accepts it but still manages to stay very cheerful about it all
,which makes me feel even worse!


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## Roxbury1

My husband and I were categorically told we would never conceive naturally by a consultant and that same week my sister in law announced she was pregnant after their first try on their wedding night, and an old school friend casually told me she was pregnant and had specifically timed it so her eldest would have started school by the time #2 needed to start nursery at the end of her maternity leave as she couldn't afford childcare for them both at the same time. My mind literally boggles that anyone can be so blasé that they can plan to the precise month when to fall pregnant - and actually get away with it!! We eventually got our babies (through fluke natural pregnancies after we gave up IVF ironically) but it stil irritates me when people take conceiving for granted, or when it happens 'by accident'. 

Infertility is like a bereavement I always feel, and it never goes away even if you're fortunate to get your baby/babies in the end. I struggle terribly with anxiety as a result of our infertility, I have awful separation issues and ended up in counselling when my eldest started school last Sept. I think there will always be a tiny element of resentment when we compare our experiences to those blessed with easy conception, I think it's natural to envy their un-jadedness! Xx


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## staceysm

Yep and a certain stupid, ignorant, reality star who wants fame, pretend they are going to be a Dad of twins and posting a scan picture, all for attention!


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## K jade

Ah ladies  

I must admit I'm so glad I'm not alone in my feelings.


I really thought that all the jealousy would be gone with the wind after I had my son.

Not so. 

Infertility.  It's the gift that keeps on giving!!


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## Miss Sunshine22

Definitely the gift that keeps on giving  

K jade I love your explanation of the inexplicable fertility, that we get the child we're meant to. Makes sense to me 

I thought I'd update on a small victory - I contacted the HFEA to ask why my husband needed a viral screening test when it was only a FET we were doing, ie his input not required. They responded almost immediately saying it was not mandatory for partners to be screened in FET and that I should discuss this with the clinic    small victory won!

We've still not fully decided to do our FET - it would be very high risk, given what happened in my last pregnancy, so we are weighing up our options first. That's another thing that baffles me - that pregnancies can be straightforward and go well


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## K jade

Oh miss sunshine yep I'm with u there.

I didnt have a complicated pregnancy per say but I was sick from day 1 to day 40! 
However I too had a very traumatic birth  with PROM. Again it seemed like just my luck given the long ivf journey.  Dont know why I expected anything less !
However there is a small part of me that relished  the drama of it all. Think I would of been disappointed if I'd been in hospital and out the next day. 

Well done of fighting your corner and calling them up on these ridiculous hoops they make us jump through. That's great news they backed down 

Xx


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## Miss Sunshine22

Thanks K jade - a small win. But I've not mentioned it yet - we've decided to move clinics instead due to a number of reasons and had a really good consultation today with the first clinic we were ever at - back full circle. So we're moving our embryos a few miles west and taking it from there. The appt was via Zoom - so much better than face to face appointments, I was so sick of waiting rooms, it was nice we could sit with a decent mug of coffee in our own house!

Sorry you had a drama with PROM - as you say, it's to be expected in the IVF world, it would be too boring if it went straightforward


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