# One or more LO's



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi Ladies 

I know you are all super busy but would really appreciate the advice of the already parenting contingent on this. Myself and my good friend Lolly are at the waiting to start prep (me) and half way through home study (Lolly) stage. 

We are debating round in circles with our partners the one vs two vs three debate. Also the multiple single adoptions vs adopting a sibling group. Can any of you share some practical views on parenting multiple independently adopted children , parenting a single adopted child and parenting a sibling group. 

Just want to know how you decided and the advantages and challenges of each route. 

Thank you very much in advance x


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

Well I can reply from the point of view if adopting a sibling group of 2. We decided on a sibling group because I liked the idea of the children having each other. And I ideally wanted 2 as I was an only child until the age of 6 and was quite lonely at home. Dh is one of 5 and never experienced this! We decided on 2 and not more partly because of finance and partly because I thought of not having enough hands to contain 3! 

I know now people can warn against sibling placements due to potential  trauma bonds 
It wasn't something I was aware of at the time. See adoption uk message boards re this. My children did not have this this . 

When my two first arrived it was v hard work . I spent a couple of months feeling like I'd been hit by a bus and really panicked this was too much to take on board at one go. Two needy wee people, add in regression and it was hard work.
Now I wouldn't change a thing .  Good luck with your decision. I think there are positives with each choice.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We adopted 1 purely because we don't have the space for more. I really struggled after the initial period of floating on mummy hood not sure what or why i felt the way i did but omg i couldn't be a happier mummy now and just want more. I know people who have adopted 2 and she is also a very happy mummy but the initial period was hard going. Only u and your sw can make the final decision be honest with yourselves it is so hard but the rewards are beyond words. Good luck Xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you both so much for sharing your views and stories. Also thank you to Gwyneth for starting this thread. 

I know it is one of the age old adoption debates  and is very personal, and what works for one may not for another. Me and my DF can see many positives for both, and equally have concerns surrounding both. We know we can get approved for 1 child or a sibling group, but our sw has been very honest and told us that that route is likely to be as good as being approved for 2 as there are so many siblings waiting in our area. I guess we will keep talking and reading and see where we are next HS session. 

Love to you all x x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We are now approved for up to 3 of any age but we have debated this a lot.  We think we will try for 2, whilst I would like to go for 1 child so that we can give it a lot of love and individual attention we have always said we'd love to have children who have that connection to each other, at least they have someone in our family that they are biologically related to... It really is a hard decision.

Mind you, my other theory is, DH and I are not blood related (of course ..) and we chose to make a family together, we picked each other to spend the rest of our lives with and now we will find LO's to join our nest...


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you so much. Will read about issues within sibling groups as its not something I've researched. Lots  of interesting points x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi girls - one other thing to consider is being open re approval panel recommendation. Me and do we're approved for 2 children 0-4 years. This meant we could be considered for a sibling grip (my pref) or a single. We waiting a while as there weren't much sib groups in age range within my la and outwith they were a good bit older. We ended up finding little man at an exchange day and I struggled initially whilst we considered link as there will be no genetic siblings for him. How he's now been home for almost a week and we could not be happier. Time will tell if we decide to go back for round 2 (depends on LOs needs) but I really believe we were the right family for him.
Xo
Ps DH is happier with one at a time as feels we can then give one on one attention better rather than go from 0-60 as I intended.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

dont forget to visit in your mind the common scenario of adopting no.1 and then getting a call 18 months down the line saying BM is having another..or adopting no.1 knowing there is another one already on the way...(this was our scenario and worked out perfectly although an 18 month age gap is deifinitely hard work!)


kj x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We initially were approved for a sibling group of up to 3, we also wanted children aged 5+, coming up to approval we were heavily involved in the linking with a sibling group of 3, post approval I think reality hit home, and we decided to pull out of the link mainly at the time for financial reasons as we did not want to have children and not be able to afford to do things with them, 2 weeks after approval, our sons profile dropped through the door and although he was a singly there was just something that grabbed us about him and he has now been home for 3 yrs.
We have now finished our HS for no. 2 and are just waiting for a date for AP.
What I would say about sibling groups is ask if they have done a sibling assessment, the sibling group of 3 we were linked with original had it turned out afterwards and the recommendation was that they should not be placed together, we also attend a lot of adoption get togethers and have met a lot of families who have had siblings paced together who just should not have and have trauma bonds between them, saying that though, they are all dearly loved by their parents.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks I am going to look into trauma bonds and research also the effect of readopting x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi


We were initially approved for 2 but there were no sibling groups available in our la so we changed to one instead, especially after we were offered a 10 month old baby boy. I must admit I don't think I would have coped so well with 2. It is such a change in life and I think I preferred it just being the one. He was also very young so never showed any problems with attachment and was never exposed to ny neglect etc so it was all pretty straightforward. Worked for us! 


Now we are considering no 2 but probably not till next year. I have enjoyed being able to give him all the attention he needs without having to share it. You have to be very honest with yourself as to what you can cope with as it is all much harder work than you anticipate and perhaps I would not have been the best person to deal with lots of issues even though at the time I thought I could. Of course the pros are the children being related, so far we have not been told of the bm getting pg again thankfully for her so he probably will not have the chance to mate have that bond that related children have. Nevertheless I think he will be fine if we adopt a non related brother or sister.


It's hard though cos you don't have much time normally to decide what is right for you once matches come up, just trust your instincts. But best to have the choice so being approved for more than one helps if the right sibling group comes up.


P xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Panorama. Part of what makes our decision hard is knowing that on a practical level we could cope with up to 3. DH's brother has 3 kids (who were all under 4 for the first 12 months.) We have always regularly had them for weekends / overnights etc. I have regularly had them in the day on my own when DH is at work My oldest nephew has a physical disability which made it more logistically challenging especially when they were little. I'm not saying it is easy but we are used to coping with the challenges it presents.  

Also from my late teens I would look after my 3 younger siblings if my parents went away. So having day and nigh responsibility for 3 + children has always been a regular normality for me (unusual I know but it's always been normal to me). It's giving them what they need emotionally that we are concerned about. Unfortunately there is no real way to know your capacity for that x x x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

I have two boys now aged 7 and 2 who aren't biologically related. Our youngest arrived when our eldest son was 4 and a half and had been with us for just over 2 and a half years.

I am ( dh only mulling it over in his brain at the moment!) contemplating number 3   as by the time we went through prep panel etc our youngest would be likely to be starting school.
I guess it also depends on if you could see yourself going through the process again if you only adopt one and not a sibling group? and if you would be ok with them being not biologically related.
Having two definately does add a different dynamic to the family and can be hard work at times but twice the work and double the fun   
I have friends who have adopted sibling groups and have some have found it worked well for them and others not so, I think it also depends on their situation and what if any attachment issues etc they have.
Our eldest had severe attachment issues when he arrived and has done amazingly well but they are still and always will be some little effects of this and I wouldnt have wanted to have him with a sibling initially as I would have felt I couldnt have given him the attention he needed at that time.
I think we all know in our hearts what we could manage with and have to be honest with ourselves about what we could cope with 
Goodluck in your decision 
x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Suzie it is really really interesting to hear from someone who has done it twice. Good luck for number 3 how exciting you are a brave lady. One of the big things for me is I guess our life has been ruled and destroyed and then re-built by the process of trying to complete our family. I will be one of those Mum's that     goes to all the adoption meets etc and will be very proud to be an adoption Mummy but in terms of the process I guess I want my hands washed of it as soon as possible if that makes sense. The thought of having to do it again and continue to have our life traumatized by this journey is so scary to me. 

However once there is some positives and happy endings in our story I may feel differently.  Did you always feel able to do it again or did that come in time as you settled your son?


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Gwyneth,


I was similar to you in that I thought only once in the process and thought we would adopt siblings for quite a while. Whilst the process for us has not been very bad at all (way better than what we imagined) and we had a great SW. However, when we proceeded with our link with our little man (singly), I had to adjust my thoughts about whether we may go through again and agreed we would be happy to if right for little man and our family.


Sometimes fate leads you to your path as little man is so perfect in our family
Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ah so glad Gertie it sounds like you and your little boy were meant to be  . I think you are right our LO /  LO's will find us. Just like to think in advance what we should think about going forward for. Glad you've not found it as traumatic as you expected. Fingers crossed we'll find the same x x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

We actually didn't set out to do it for number one even   C came as a foster child on a short term placement with plan on returning to birth family but for lots of reasons he was actually freed for adoption at court and SW was upfront in asking us if it was something we would consider. 
After having done it once we actually thought we would just go back to fostering after having a break when C's adoption went through but W was placed with us from the hospital at birth and after a few weeks and lots of things his birth mother wanted for him in an adoptive family we decided to apply to adopt him also  
We hadn't even thought about adopting again, it wasn't something we were closed to after our first adoption but we weren't actively thinking about starting the process again.
We are also people who aren't really worried about talking about the subject of adoption and how our family is made up  We don't discuss it every 5 minutes but its not something we put in a box and only get out sometimes if that makes sense? Our eldest knows his story of how he came to us, not the ins and outs as he is too young for that bit of his background. 
I think if you have children who aren't siblings then you have more than one set of birth stories. Our youngest son was a relinquished baby at birth and however much you try and pretty it up he just wasn't wanted by his birth mum and that in some ways will be much harder for him to understand then my eldest son who's birth mum did fight for him but she just didn't manage to get where she needed to be to be able to keep him. 
Sorry seemed to have rambled on there   guess i am just trying to say that we all have things we can and can not deal with. Personally I think I would have found it hard having a sibling group placed but some people say they could deal with that but not with the two hours notice I got with W that a baby had been born and to meet the SW at the hospital with arrangements to bring him home with us!   

Suzie x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Gosh what a way to find your family guess sometimes they really do come to you. Managing different  backgrounds and life stories is one of the things I think about. As you say one of your boys is likely  to find his more distressing but I guess a lot of how they cope with it Will be down to their individual personality. Thank you so much for sharing x x x


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Hi,

I'm early on into placement with our two lovely little girls but so far, I wouldn't have it any other way.
We both always said we wanted 2-3. A big part was that we knew there were siblings waiting, and so we felt because we could, we should.
We liked the idea of our children being related biologically and we were also both able to take time off.

Our two were with Fc from when the youngest was born so I think its unlikely they have a trauma bond but there is a huge amount of sibling rivalry.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ah how lovely. Find me two siblings close in age without a lot of sibling rivalry. Glad you are loving every minute. Like you we very much feel we can so should. Also we want siblings not an only child so all makes sense. We are debating 2 or 3. We have the space and ability it's just the emotional giving we worry about. Lovely to hear of someone doing well with a sibling group x


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

We got approved for up to 2 children with a apreference for one child, then adopting a second...but we got our LOs profile and fell in complete love, we love the thought of them having each other, they are full siblings and have been in the same foster placement since birth. We start intros in 2 weeks...will let you know my thoughts after then lol. X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Oh thank you you and DH are the same age as me and DH too so would be really interesting to hear post placement updates from someone with a sibling group as currently it's all singles. Bet you are so excited x x x


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