# First thoughts of adoption, are we too old?



## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hello - 

I'm new to this and have only recently started to think that adoption may be for us.  We have one dd of 7 and have been ttc for another for 4 years with no success yet and one failed ICSI.

My first question is though, I am 32 and my H has just turned 44. Is he too old for us to be considered for adoption of a young child?  Instinctively I feel at the moment that my dd would feel more comfortable with a much younger child coming in to our family because otherwise I think her toes would be very seriously stepped on and her position in our family under threat.  She has been desperate for a younger sibling for ages.

Any guidance would be fab, thanks.

Clare xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Clare

Some agencies say a maximum of 45 year age gap between you and the child so you shouldn't have any problems getting a young child.  There are cases where a bigger age gap have happen when it is the right match but if you go for 0-4 or 0-5yrs you'll be Ok.  The average age for most children being placed is 2 yrs.

Good luck
OT x


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## Freddie2 (Feb 1, 2007)

hi Clare

Think you are very young in adoption terms - most of us are older!!  We recently adopted a 5 month old child and I am 40 and my DH is 43.  We have friends who have just adopted a 20 month old child from the same LA and she is 53 and he is in his early-mid 40s.  So I really wouldn't worry at all abt your ages.  Our LA don't have a rule as to age as such - they just try and find the right match.

Best of luck with it all

xx


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Our local agency (West of Scotland consortum) has a strict age limit for children under 2, which you are just within - under 40 for the youngest partner and under 45 for the older partner.  You might be able to argue against the 45 as you are so much younger.  Each LA or agency is different and sets their own limits.  

We were too old so started by doing respite fostering and are now in the process of adopting an older family.  

Bop


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi

i see you're in Glasgow - me too.  We're with the under 2's team (west of Scotland baby adoption service)  As Bop says, there are age limits in Glasgow for adopting babies - the older partner can't be older then 44 years and 6 months.   Glasgow city council website has the criteria on it.  I know they relax the rules for 2nd time adopters so I'd say you have a good chance. Get onto them quick - and if they say no then keep persevering and they might change their mind!  

all the best
bx

P.S.  As a general rule, only children younger than any children you have already would be placed with you so your daughter needn't worry!


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## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hi everyone,

thanks so much for your guidance. I rang Families for Children yesterday (in Glasgow where we are) and was put on to a sw who was really really helpful and positive. He said that because I am so much younger we could be considered for 0-2. He also said as you did Boggy, that they would be in agreement that an adopted child would need to be considerably younger than our dd for her sake (and therefore for everyone elses too! )

Our ICSI is quite recent (only June/July) and although I didn't go into any detail I did mention this. He said that although we wouldn't need to say that we wouldn't have another child, we would need to be able to say that our fertility tx road is over. I would be so scared of doing it again a. because it's a big process but b. mainly because of the awful prospect of disappointment and I feel that there's less possibility of that with adoption.

However, my dh and I had briefly mentioned adoption before ICSI together because someone in our family mentioned it to us, and had agreed it wasn't for us. Now I realise that although I am very sad not to be able to achieve a pregnancy together this time, (although I haven't totally given up hope) but more than anything I want to be a mother again, not just be pregnant. I know it would be different in many ways but I feel we have so much to offer, (my dh is an amazing Dad) and I feel I have so much more love to offer too. But my dh was truely stunned when I told him yesterday I am thinking this way, and I told him too I had made the phonecall, because I wanted to know whether his age cut us out of it. He isn't a traditional thinker, he's taught me so much over the years about thinking for yourself and he can be very totally lateral in his thinking and original and we aren't a family for doing things the way others do. But this has thrown him and now I'm worried that we'll start feeling differently. His reply (after a while!) was that we have enough to think about and worry about in our lives already and that our lives are already full, and I said but what about if I was pregnant and he said 'well that would stretch us to our limit but it's different. He desperately wants to have another child together but seems to think differently about this.

I come from a very large family and thinking through as far as I can go, there are people who were adopted, including my 1st cousin and my sister's husband. Maybe it's just more normal to me, but also I think it could be that he has such a strong bond with our dd (who looks very like him) that I think he might be scared he couldn't feel deeply enough for an adopted child. I know it would be different and I feel concerned about that too at this stage, but I just have oodles of maternal love which my dd doesn't need all of and I feel it would leave a huge gap for me if we didn't have another child. Also maybe because he's 44 and I'm 32, it's easier to accept than for me, because I still feel like I should be the mother of younger children as well as our wonderful daughter.

Sorry I have gone on so much but there's so much going on in my head and I really don't know who to talk to. I normally talk to my dh about everything but don't want him to feel pressurized. I was also tearful when I told him yesterday because I had asked the sw whether there was a surplus of children or parents at the moment and he said definitely children, and I found that so overwhelmingly sad, (I did terll my dh that's why I was crying).

Thanks everyone,

Clare xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

No your not to old and good luck with your journey.

Love
Andrea
x


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