# BFP for Friend - Unfair



## tom+jerry (Jan 2, 2008)

Hi there

I thought i'd got over BFN in Jan 08 from IVF and then pal phones to tell me she's pregnant again (her 2nd in just over a year).  

She knew about being on waiting list for IVF and she didnt even ask how it was going. 

I know I'm being selfish but a bit of sensitivity would have been nice.

Sorry for ranting but its really upset me


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Sending you big hugs hun   your freind could of been more sensitive but maybe she feels a little uncomfortable and wanted to be upfront with you and she sadly got it a bit wrong   she could well be kicking herself now wishing she had told you a little more sensitively 

pam xx

P.s i hope this makes sense as i'm trying to do a million things at once today


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## sukiton (Apr 1, 2007)

Hi there,

Also sending big supportive   .....like lots of ladies here, know only too well the feelings your having and I still cant help some days but feel so angry and bitter towards my friends   

But like Pam said, maybe she didnt know (or think) of how to tell you her news any other way......if theyve never had trouble they just dont get it or understand. 

Saw a friend the other day who is 11 weeks with her THIRD and she was moaning how it had taken a long whole YEAR and how sick she felt........she didnt bother asking how we were doing......the anger and sadness I felt inside were enormous, as was the big  happy fake grin I had on my face for her happy news !!!    At least we have FF for support and to help us stay focused  

Be strong hun and focus on you and DH journey....sending lots of   and  

xxxxx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hello there

You are not being selfish or unfair because we have all been there - when you are TTC it seems that everyone else is pg and unless you have been through it you have no idea what it feels like to be desperate for a child but seemingly unable to get there! I too have had unsuccessful ICSI and know how you are feeling. I too have had insensitive "friends" who told me about their joy when I was at my lowest - in fact one friend even called me to pick my brains about the best time for her to try for her second baby (ie. when she would be most fertile) - she got pg - then called me to tell me just how fertile they both were in that it seemed that her DP only had to look at her and they got pregnant! I have also had people not tell me they are pregnant and the first I have known about it is when you get the ubiquitous "birth announcement" card with the photo of the bouncing babe! Either way it is devastating, but I don't think that people think that they are being intentionally hurtful.

Try and keep positive - i am doing my best too - I find this site and everyone on it so positive and helpful when you are down - I wish you the very best of luck!


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## tom+jerry (Jan 2, 2008)

Another 2 of my friends announced at weekend that they are pregnant. That makes 3 in a few weeks and it sucks big time.   

Dont get me wrong I am  for them but it makes me so  but that's upsetting me even more as I'm turning into a crappy friend who should be over the moon for them all.


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## sukiton (Apr 1, 2007)

Try not to torture yourself by thinking about them and their situation.....easy said than done I know but im starting to get better at just stopping my brain going into overdrive and just literally stopping thinking about pg friends. 

One of them has her 2nd scan today, so no doubt I will get a txt to say what sex it is    - whoopee   doo !! Like I really want to know  but gonna try and just not think about her at all.

Is very hard and you are not alone hun - we are all here to help and send big   

xxxxxxxxx


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## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Hi,

When I was struggling with IVF and ttc, one of the worst feelings was when a friend didn't tell me they were pg and I was the last one to know, and only then through a friend and it was devestating. I felt so isolated and snubbed if you know what I mean. 

Then years later, when I was pg, I found myself on the other side, with a friend of mine who had tried 7 or 8 goes at IVF and given up. I think I "put my foot in it" several times, but each time was with only the best of intentions. I wanted her to know I was pg early, before anyone else, because I didn't want her to feel isolated. I think  maybe she thought I was being insensitive by telling her. I did talk to her about it, and now I always ask her how she feels, and have explained my reasons for telling her early. I think so often people don't tell you about pregnancies because they want to "protect" you, when really they want to protect themselves from the discomfort. And of course its a secret that becomes impossible to hide, so you are going to find out sooner or later.

Its just so hard, and so unfair,

I nearly lost another good friend along my journey. We didn't talk about how we were or what we were feeling, and the relationship took a battering and I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult things to deal with. I think if you feel awful towards your friend, and don't want to see her, tell her but tell her why and that its not about her, but that her being pg reminds you how you aren't. I have felt positively hateful towards some people during my journey. Its just normal but it really sucks!!!


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Tom + Jerry, hang in there - let those feelings out and don't feel bad about them - they are natural and you are entitled to feel like that - we have all been there and you are not a bad friend, just human! You must feel really raw at the moment, but you will get so much support today, I am hopeful that you will feel better soon.

I had to write to give you some support today! It looks like you and I are the same age and I know that when I hear about other's pgs it makes me feel that the sands of time are running low! That makes me feel even more angry and none of that helps with getting to my goal.

Since I have found this site, I have found lots of things that i haven't tried and lots of new ideas and it has given me renewed hope. I found that by reading what others have tried (many of whom are my age or in my circumstances) I now have something else to take my mind off the fact that all my friends (bar one couple who don't want children) have children, and have had no problems TTC.

Hang in there and if you need to chat via personal messages please feel free to email me!

Sending you lots of    and   today!


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Awwww hunni sorry ur feeling sad    

Sometimes it only takes of u hearing about a pregnancy for it too bring up all the feelings that u thought had got better. It took me ages to recover from my BFN almost a year.   Your turn will soon come and as for ur friend i agree that was very insensitive of her some people can be very selfish at times. Although thats great news for her she should have stopped and thought for a moment about how that would make u feel.  

Goodluck with ur future cycles. xxxx

shye xxxx


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## Laura68 (Feb 28, 2008)

With you on that one hun.  When I was mid IVF cycle, my bestest oldest friend (who had been told she had raised FSH levels and who didn't even live with her boyf at the time) suddenly got pregnant.  Without evern really trying.  She kept going on about how they'd been trying for 8 months.  But that's 8 months when they only saw each other at the weekendds, so chances of doing it the right day were almost zero!!  Anyway, my IVF produced 15 low grade embies the next day and I could not talk to my ftiend - she had 6 weeks scan and saw heart beat the same day.  I was devastated both by my bad news, and her good news but also felt I was being crap friend and that I could not talk to my bezzie mate at the time I needed her most.  Then I found I was pregnant, and I made amends.  She got through her 12 weeks scan and was told she had the results of a 15 year old (she's nearly 40) but at my 12 weeks scan, our baby was dianosed with chromosone problems and we had to have termination at 13 weeks.  It is so very very hard to be close to somoeone for whom it all seems so easy, but I think envy, sadness and anger are all natural, and you have to try not to be angry at those around you for not dealing with your tragedies the way you'd like them to.  I also have anotehr close friend who was 2 weeks ahead of me - I haven't seen her since termination, as she cannot cope with how awkward she feels.  It makes me angry that she's not just dealing with it - especially bearing in mind what I am going through, but then not everyone is equipped to deal with bad news, and I think you just have to protect yourself, not feel guilty, and surround yourself with great friends who understand your pain.  For all my crap, disappointing mates, I have an equal number of amazing, wonderful loving friends who are checking up on me, visiting me, texting me daily, and that makes me feel so so much better.  Not everyone's a strong woman like you and everyone else on these pages!

Hope it all works out for you 

Laura xx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Just wanted to send you all a big   it can be heartbreaking can't it especially when lots of friends start announcing they are pregnant; the thing I find that helps me the most is thinking that they are my friends and that I wouldn't want them to share this pain that I suffer and that somehow puts it into perspective.       to all who need them. 

Cat x


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## kerrylou (Jul 12, 2007)

*aww hun  i know how you feel someone who i work with knew we had a m/c and all we have been through and she decided to tell me that she was preg a while ago, and she also had an abortion 4 years ago and also came off the pill not wanting to get preg, i must sound really spitefull but she hasnt even had the baby yet and is saying cant wait to give the baby to her mum when its screaming, I would give anything to have a scremaing baby in my house!!!!! xxx*


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