# Rude Consultant



## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi ladies 

Just want to vent, I have had a bit of a week! Yesterday we had our first appointment with the ivf consultant after attending an open day previously. He was rather rude shall we say. I was so excited becorehand and came out feeling deflated and that we shouldn't  be getting ivf. He looked at our referral and said in his opinion my previous consultant should have MADE me have 6 rounds of clomid before coming for ivf. By the way I have severe endo severe pain and ovulate without problems. I seriously sat there thinking he was going to say go away. I dont know what i would have done if he did!! He didn't but he made us feel as though we really shouldn't be getting ivf and he was making a huge concession for us. We were told by the consultant and the nurse that refeered us that clomid was highly unlikely to work with my endo and would prob just make it worse. We have been ttc for 3 years and have had a whole lot of problems with the endo along the way. Was hoping yesterday was going to put us at ease but it's made me feel awful, and put me off the clinic. We are nhs funded and don't feel I can say anything to the clinic. 

X


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

that's a real shame they made you feel like that it is nerve wracking enough without extra stress. 
trouble is in a way you're lucky to get funding and so you're really just going to have to put up with it. I don't think a complaint would help at this stage because really you need them on side. we're private because the NHS won't help us due to my age, not a fan of our consultant either they all seem to think they're above everyone else... but it's a tricky balance, think i upset mine a couple of times by not just hanging on his every word. still it's all towards a good cause hopefully. good luck with your treatment.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think complaining is a good idea if you feel that the way you were treated warrants it. The NHS has proper channels for these situations and Dr's need to be made aware of how they make patients feel. If people don't complain Dr's don't realise that they are upsetting people. 

I never saw the consultant who did my initial appointment again so I wouldn't let that worry you. Sorry you have had further upset.


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## BakingCat (Aug 23, 2013)

Hi ladies!

What a horrible response to get when you went in with such positivity! As Bunny said, it's hard enough without encountering such attitudes.  

I sympathise, as our consultant was also really cold and dismissive at my first appointment.  She didn't look at me at all when I walked in, just kept her eyes on her notes, didn't even say hello.  She whisked through all the info in front of her and proceeded to scold me for being there in the first place because we hadn't been trying long enough.  I also have severe endo and my wonderful GP and surgeon agreed to fast track my referral to the fertility service.  She acted as though I'd snuck in without her permission.  I was getting more and more upset and then she looked at my weight on the form and said very patronisingly, "We need to loose a little weight."(my BMI at that time was 32).  That was when I surprised myself and stood up for myself.  I said, "I'm sorry, you seem quite slim.  Do you mean that we both need to loose weight?"  She then looked up, startled.  I went on, saying, "I know I'm overweight, it's ok.  You can say outright if that's an issue."  She apologised tersely and rephrased the statement. 

After that I fumed about her for weeks, but I think it helped fuel me to get started.  I lost 2.5 stone and made sure I did everything I needed to - all the appointments and tests and scans and forms.  I wanted to prove her and her dismissive attitude wrong.  Since then she's been a bit warmer - but just a bit. Also standing up to her was fun and I feel a bit excited before our appointments with her - I think, bring it, lady - I can handle you! 

Also, after our info day, seeing all the couples there with all our fear and hope, I wonder if some staff just become callous because its a hard job telling people that their hopes won't work out, or that they have to try again or go a bit longer.  Doesn't make it right to be rude, but I wonder if its part of it.

Thankfully the nurses at the clinic are a different kettle of fish - warm and concerned, and I see more of them than her anyway.  And I figure they balance each other - I know the consultant is very unlikely to ever give me false hope, and that's something! 

Anyway, that's a long one, but your post hit home for me! I hope your consultant was just having an off day.  I think they like to sniff at other professionals' decisions at first, so maybe it was just that.  Maybe calmly let him know that he wasn't very kind or welcoming and if things don't improve, ask if you can switch?  X


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

Ugh, so sorry you had such a dismissive and unpleasent consultant, Lucy. Maybe just try to think of him as a "tool" and a means to an end, I guess?

I know it's easier said than done. I will never forgive the hospital consultant who waltzed into a consultation room when I went to hear our first ever fertility test results. She _didn't close the door_ to the full waiting room, she didn't sit down, she didn't look at me. She just quickly read through the results from a folder and said: "There really is nothing you can do. We wouldn't consider starting any treatments. Realistically, you'll never have biological children together." Absolutely no sympathy or empathy. I was only 22 and utterly stunned, so didn't have the presence of mind to challenge her on her behaviour or to even ask any proper questions, let alone think about complaining. I really wish I had...

Yay for standing up to her BakingCat!


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Unfortunately consultants get paid a shed load of money for being experts but bedside manner and empathy is not in the job description. Most of them - in most fields not just IF - tend to cut to the chase, don't spare your feelings and all that. In some ways that's good because you don't want someone to butter it up and leave you confused but a little empathy wouldn't go amiss. 

I remember mine looking at my notes sighing and saying "well not sure what we can do for you but I suppose the least we can do is do all the investigations". I was a bit gobsmacked but, you know, they did all the tests and this probably saved me a fortune having them done privately so I suppose I'm grateful.  I also remember being told it was IVF or nothing (it was April 1st... how can you not forget that date.  ) We saw the registrar; he wasn't much better. Just a case of "yes, this is what's wrong, can't help you anymore, you don't qualify for funding, bye". There was a nurse waiting outside to comfort me though, but by that time I'd long since found FF and having the support and knowledge of people on this site I had gone in completely knowing what to expect so wasn't even that upset. 

Not saying it's right but it's how it is.  
You do deserve a big  for being upset. That's what we're here for though, so  I agree with Myxini that seeing it as a means to an end is a good place to  look at it. You likely won't see the actual cons too often so hopefully future visits will be less upsetting. 

C~x


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## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Thank you ladies. Am feeling much less emotional now after a few days. I think i was hoping for some reassurance from him and this was clearly not meant to be! He was just an idiot and probably had more to do with politics of the place, his ego, and his own stress than me and our individual situation. We are very Greatful to be given the chance to have ivf. I will put it down to him having a bad day, but consultants are not gods and if they are rude and disrespectful I think we have the right to point this out regardless of whether you are nhs funded or paying privately. The nurses seem lovely and I'm sure we won't be seeing much of him now anyway.

As with everything infertility related its so good to not feel alone with these experiences.

Thank you for your kindness x


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## lucy2831 (Aug 9, 2011)

Ps bakingcat - I love your comment, I wish I had been there to see the consultants reaction


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

i've asked for different consultant as first was difficult, i've now realised that probably most are like this! I think this is why when you get an expert who also has caring and good "beside manner", people rave about them - they are unusual and wonderful! 
My lovely GP retired recently and when i got my diagnosis I told her I was upset that it was delivered as I came round from anaesthetic. She commented that modern medicine has given us so much but has forgotten the old skills of caring and emotional support.
Glad you are feeling better. As others have said you often don't see the consultant much again, it's the nurses who see you regularly and I am sure you will have some superstars.
Lots of luck xxx


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