# Newbie struggling with social situations



## Opal nova (Mar 13, 2015)

Hi there, I'm new to the forum - and new to forums generally!

My husband and I are currently 2 and a half cycles into our IUI journey, with an IVF referral waiting in the wings. Our backstory is poor sperm count and motility, plus a few idiosyncracies in my cycles - which seem to have been ironed out by Clomid + pregnyl + cyclogest. I'm 36, hubby is 37.

For the last few months I have actually been feeling pretty resilient and practical about everything - I guess starting treatment can be quite a positive time. But this week i've been feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all again. 

Yesterday was intense - we had our third IUI, along with some discussions about the value of continuing or not in future cycles, and then afterwards our first meeting with the IVF people. This appointment was pretty much just clerking us into the system, but still lots to take in about the long waiting list, and also the fact that ICSI was mentioned for the first time. Consequently my brain's a bit all over the place. Had just an awful day today. It was a friend's 40th do, which apart from being very children heavy, resulted in me being asked twice by people I don't know very well about when DH & I are thinking of having children. I felt so raw and exposed I found myself walking out of the pub and just walking and walking. I had been handling this kind of thing pretty well recently, so it's a shock to find myself feeling so under equipped today. 

Apologies for the epic first post - maybe this isn't the right place for it. But I'm interested to hear - How does everyone else handle this stuff?


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hi Opal Nova and welcome
I would say the best place to post this is under "coping with infertility" 
That's where us ladies generally just vent went we have our moments of weakness!
Which we are so entitled to have! This journey is tough...really tough! And it's even harder when you also factor in the energy we spend putting brave face on 99% of the time.
We always have those moments when we just don't want to pretend anymore....
Unfortunately, the world is still very naive to infertility and the heartache it brings....
The amount of people that have asked us inappropriate questions over the years ...
They mean well...they just don't understand.
But it means you and your hubby tend to become stronger and closer as you share this special link that only you both really understand.
I hope you're doing ok and would definitely recommend re posting this in the "coping" section of the forum 
X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Opal
Sorry to hear you're finding things tough. 
I found social situations really hard and used to avoid the ones I knew I wouldn't enjoy. It was also hard not drinking and being asked why so again I used to try to avoid such situations. 
I wish now that I had told people we didn't want kids if they asked. I personally think it's really rude to ask people that question so I think they don't deserve an honest answer. I used to answer that yes we wanted kids one day and that maybe we should get a move on. But it wasn't a good response as then everyone knew we wanted kids and years later, still childless I felt really ashamed. 

It hard to say how to cope with it, basically put yourself first, be prepared to see babies, pregnancies, and ready to answer questions. And if you aren't up for it, make an excuse and avoid if you don't want to go. Look after yourself and do things you are comfortable with. Speak to friends you trust and who understand. Try to have an ally at social functions who will look out for you and you can pop off to talk to if needed. 
Don't underestimate how overwhelming and upsetting it can be so be kind to yourself. 
Good luck with your tx.

 GG x


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## Opal nova (Mar 13, 2015)

Thanks for the pointer Mrs Ball, I'll certainly head over there. You're absolutely right about the relationship side of things - growing stronger & closer with DH has been the silver lining of this whole infertility shebang.

And thanks for sharing your own experience GG, that's some good advice. I think I knew today was likely to be a bit tough - next time I feel like that I'll check in with myself a bit more and either pack a few stock answers or see if maybe a day to myself might be the better option.

Thanks again both 
X


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hello! 

I moved your posts over there to save you posting again, I have been there myself so sorry  

I wish I could say it gets easier, it does in a way I guess or maybe you just get hardened/immune to it I don't know 

You will find great support on here 

Shout if you need anything 

L xx


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## AnnR (May 23, 2013)

Hi opal

I completely understand how you feel, I really shut myself off over the last couple of years and ended up avoiding gatherings with friends as there was always children around or someone was pg and I couldn't stand the baby talk or people wondering why I was still childless in my 30s despite being with dh 10 years+. At dh's dad's 70th birthday bash I got asked by some old woman  if I regretted not having kids??!!! I was half angry, half devastated - unfortunately not socially acceptable to slap old people   but always people ask 'when will you have kids' or 'are you planning kids' - it's tough.

I'm now 36wks pg after a 4 year journey and only just come clean to a few close people about what we've been through. I kinda wish I'd been a bit more open with a couple of close friends earlier on - as goofy says, it might help to have an ally in some situations. Another friend of mine had ivf after ttc 3yr but she was open from the day they started trying and no one saw her as a failure and she wasn't ashamed - I just wish I'd had the same courage. Maybe worth considering?? 

Anyway as the others said, make sure you look after yourself - that's the most important thing right now. Being overwhelmed is understandable and these forums really help   I also went to fertility acupuncture - really helped to cope with the stress and made me feel like I was doing something positive - plus I could talk to the acupuncturist and it was like mini counselling  

Good luck xx


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## Opal nova (Mar 13, 2015)

Thanks Lilly and thanks Ann. More good advice. It's already been brilliant simply being able to write this stuff down and having these lovely understanding responses coming back! And I am chuckling at thought of finding yourself wanting to slap a pensioner.

DH & I have now started 'coming out' to some close friends & family about what we're going through, and it's been a massive relief to do this - even though I often feel many of them struggle to really understand what it's like. Which of course is why I'm now here!


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

I always get 'why have you got so many cats? No children I bet' feel like saying well yes I'm actually infertile and I get a new rescue after a failed cycle as a consolation prize! Hope that answers your question! 

Which is actually true!  

L xx


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

My counsellor said to me recently .... Why don't you answer people bluntly and truthfully...?
My answer...
Cos I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable!
Can you believe it! The years of feeling uncomfortable from social situations and thoughtless comments and I'm worried about making them feel uncomfortable!
It really made me reconsider things....I haven't done it yet ... But I do keep thinking perhaps I should just answer honestly....
my counsellor made a good point,.. If we don't answer honestly and don't make people asking these questions feel uncomfortable when will it socially change?

I kept having visions of the next person asking me if I have children (no) and the follow up question do you want children?
Instead of saying one day...maybe I should just say yes I've been trying for 3 yrs after losing my Fallopian tubes!  
I'm sure it would have felt good to see them quirk and look uncomfortable with the turn of conversation for a change!  
X


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

I have tried the openness and honesty tactic and people coped fine. It was poor DH who was too humiliated to cope with people knowing! Things might be different now that the years have passed; we keep quiet about adoption for a different reason now.

Xx


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi Opal 

I don't understand why people think it's ok to ask you personal questions about babies! It's so frustrating especially people you don't know that well! Like the other ladies I used to give the same polite answer of yes maybe one day and act like I wasn't that bothered! Like you my hubby had low sperm and he felt so ashamed that he asked me not to mention it! I avoided seeing my best friends for nearly a year as couldn't say to them! It's so annoying that infertility is so misunderstood and my poor hubby felt the way he did! If people go in for an operation to fix something then it's chatted about but yet Ivf is this taboo subject! 

Anyway I'm rambling on ... I hope you are doing ok and the next gathering is easier for you and this place is a great place to talk about what you are going through ! Good luck with your treatment! X

My mil used to say to me if anyone asks you just say oh no kids yet but we are having lots of fun trying  ! I never used that right enough


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Big hugs Opal  

This whole IF journey can be so isolating and cruel and it seems that when you do try and get on with things, go out for a night or meet up with friends/family, you suddenly have everything shoved back in your face.  There is also the bump watch brigade who are obsessed with whether or not you have put on a few pounds or are sticking to soft drinks.  I think like Lily says as time goes on you just get used to it more, some days it will hurt more than others but you grow to expect it more.  I try and think of some witty replies but as with all things I'm usually taken off guard, although I have found I snap back a bit quicker now when someone has been a bit thoughtless, I'm less polite  .

Good Luck and keep venting on here, we all understand.

Dory
xxx


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## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

When I had a family funeral to go to recently, I knew it was highly likely the baby question would come up. So, to prevent huge bursting into tears moments, or shouting at unsuspecting nosy people, I came up with the phrase 'Thank you for asking, children are lovely although I find it a really difficult subject to talk about. *insert new topic here*'.
It really helps having a kind response as  people respond better to it; it's come in useful in other situations too. I personally don't understand why people  ask THAT question, but me being grumpy or rude doesn't  make it go away. I suppose it's like they say, it's not situations that define you, but how you respond to them. Fall down seven times, get up 8 etc etc.


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## Londonwriter (Mar 18, 2015)

I'm new to the board, but we have just finished some NHS diagnosis and are planning a holiday before seeking IVF. I used to work as an editor at an embryology/fertility newsletter, and my colleagues had prem menopause or had been through multiple rounds of IVF. I didn't know at the time that I'd struggle to conceive myself, but it completely demystified the process.

I've just been telling people outright in social situations. I just go 'I can't have children. I'm currently seeking fertility treatment' and change the topic. Either people are very sympathetic as they know someone else who sought treatment (unsuccessfully or otherwise) and we have a chat about it, or they do a double-take and look embarrassed and we talk about something else. In the unlikely event they say something stupid like "Well, it'll just happen when you stop trying" or some rubbish about stress, I say something like "Well, actually, a lot of infertility is due to the immune system rejecting an embryo or diseases like endometriosis. It's a complete myth that it's anything to do with stress in most cases" and then change the topic. Usually, they're so embarrassed/confused that they're glad to talk about something else at that point.

It does help that my husband is the partner who desperately wants children, and I've always been a bit "take it or leave it" - so it hurts less emotionally when someone says something insensitive/daft - but people will generally back down if you're firm, factual and - if they persist - bombard them with medical jargon like ICSI and IUI   I've had a couple of people who've got very curious about some of those terms, though, as they've seen science documentaries on the TV and want to ask loads of questions about what this stuff entails and how it works. At least, at that point though, they're not saying anything that's likely to distress you and you can distance yourself emotionally from the situation.

There's a huge amount of unnecessary shame and taboo over infertility and, if you can be an ambassador, then you might help someone else to know they're not alone  

As an aside, I don't hesitate to avoid social situations where I might have to deal with people who are just going to make a scene/make my life difficult - such as middle-aged relatives. You don't owe anyone the right to make you feel uncomfortable. You need to look after yourself first   

Good luck!


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