# Brother ans SiL baby arrived



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello,

Well here it is, the arrival of my brother and SiL's baby, a girl, my Mum's first grandchild. I guess one of the reasons I have hung around is that I thought I might need to mull it all over with my dear FF.

Those who have known me for a while might remember that in a way I had begun to think this might never happen as my brother,P, who is now 49, didn't settle down till last year when he married J, a very young woman. (21 this year. And if this confuses anyone it is cos i thought she was older! My crazy mum lied to me about J's age when they got engaged as mum said she did not want me to think my broither was "a dirty old man" !!!!! Like 2 years changed the fact that J is young enough to be his daughter?!)

Anyway, how do I feel now? I'm not really sure. In a way it feels unreal - all my family live abroad so I have not seen the baby, or even P and J during the pg. In fact I have only met J twice, once at their wedding in the Phillipines and once again over my mum's birthday weekend this year. 

For once my Mum is being tactful, not giving me too much detail, bless her! But I have been told that the baby was enormous (I never engaged with discussions on birth weights, but I am told 9lbs was very big for a small woman lke J.) It may sound uncaring, but I am left underwhelmed by this fact. As you will all understand, I consider anyone very lucky to have a wanted baby very soon after they started trying, even if the birth hurts! Both J and baby A are fine, there were no forceps or ceasarian needed, and as far as I am concerned that is the main thing.

P and J did not ring me themselves, so after a while I rang them. J was fine, sounded normal and answered the questions I had prepared myself to ask about how she and A (baby) are, what A looks like, etc.  P was less talkative, rather distant and sounded a little cross that I had not rung sooner. 

I have sent some baby clothes for Xmas, a great Deisel cap for J and a big silver multi photo frame engraved "Baby" for P. 

It seems strange, but I don't feel much at all. I steeled myself up shopping for baby-things and got through it mostly ok, just a few tears pricking my eyes at old memories. I guess I am just getting on with my own life which is generally content, if mainly uneventful now. 

Sorry if this sounds a bit confused, but if I think about it I am a bit sad that an uneventful contentment means I have no real celebrations. I am not married, so no anniversaries; no children, so no birthdays or big milestones or grandchildren. I guess that because my life has none of these, there hasn't been much going on that interests my family since we told them our tx road was at an end. I think they see me as some sort of dried up maiden aunt. My mum is very emotionally involved with the baby and my stepbrother's engagement.

Guess that I should mention Xmas here? DH and I don't really celebrate it much. We are not real Christians and so it means little without our own children, especially as we have memories of m/c and IVF falure that happened at Xmastime when we should have been looking forwards with happiness. This year, as now usual, we will just enjoy some time off and good food together.

If I feel anything about my brother's news, it is almost that it feels unfair that my brother could leave starting a family for so long and kind of cheat age by marrying such a young woman. That may sound silly, but the worst aspect of my IF journey, which was one of 7 miscarriages, was the sense of time running out and being left behind as my generation started their families and saw them grow up. In fact my favourite SiL on DH's side became the first grandmother in his family last month. Now as my other contemporaries, friends and DH's sisters are becoming grandparents, it is wierd to see my brother at the beginning of all that. 

Although my young stepbrother (Mum and stepdad's son) will try for a family this feels somehow different. He is so much younger than me that it does not feel as though it will be a baby in the generation mine should have been born. In fact his fiance is not only older than I was when I lost my first baby but younger than that baby would be! They are getting married in Fijji in 2009.I f they start a family soon after I guess they will have more in common with my brother.

I expect to go to Spain in the early spring to see P, J and their baby girl, A. Maybe things will feel a bit more real then? Right now I just feel very seperate from the rest of my family, especially my mum who is now a grandmother. 

Sorry if this seems a bit of a me-me-me non post!

Hope all you all have a peaceful Xmas.

Jq xxx


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## Fluffywithteeth (Sep 25, 2006)

Jq - I didn't want to read and run. It's a milestone for you with your brother's child - no wonder you need some time to reflect and take it in. It sounds liek you have a lovely relationship - a rare blessing. I hoep you have a wonderful Christmas together
Fx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Jq honey -had to reply to this before i go off for the hols.

I am glad you dont feel overly upset at this news and that you feel you will be able to visit sometime in the New Year.

On the feeling cheated front - I can sympathise with you as my best friend from school(although we have drifted apart over the years) has finally announced her engagement. She is late 30s - she said for years that she could never see herself marrying and in fact was never very keen on children. But now there is a big rush on for the wedding next year and probably kids after that. I said in a post before that i felt cheated as i had met my dh at a relatively young age and as he already had a dd we wanted other children immediately. I feel that she has "pipped me at the post" and has left it so late to meet someone but will probably have her dream much quicker than i did. sour grapes probably but we cant help how we feel 

I wanted to reply to you as i am sure to be in a similar situation with either of my sisters in the next while if they get pg. I am sure i will be on this board looking for advice. As i mentionned earlier this year dh is very down as his dd (after 16 yrs) left in Aug to live with her birth mum who is not a very nice person! He does meet up with her now weekly but it will be so hard without him there. I dont feel i am being very helpful in cheering him up as Christmas makes me sad too with all the babies we should have had 

I know what you mean regarding the younger generation in your family not feeling as upsetting when they have kids. My dh is one of the youngest in his family so he has nieces/nephews getting married/ having babies!! I was upset with this 2 years ago but only as we were going thru tx at that time. Now i can deal with it better as I am removed from them. In fact we were at a wedding last weekend of his nephew. The bride was only 22 and to me this didnt feel like a threat.

I hope you both have a lovely christmas - as lovely as it can be with all these thoughts going round in your head. I empathise that you feel you dont have these milestones to mark. It seems that in my own family there are so many engagements/weddings in the last year. My remaining 3 siblings are all being married in 18 mths.All the talk is of these events and sometimes I feel really left out.

I havent really cheered you up I am sure with this -sorry!  But you know that we all understand. Take care xxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

The smiley came out wrong when i mentionned the babies we should have had. It should have course have been the other face!


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear jq,
It sounds as though you are coping with it - and that's good. I know exactly what you mean about people leaving it to the last minute, getting hitched and Bob's yer uncle a they've got a healthy baby. It can happen all very quickly - from the wedding to the christening in one year! When other people's lives suddenly click into place like this it's just another aspect that highlights how our own lives are not going the way we hoped they would. It isn't fair - and it hurts. As for complaining about the baby's birthweight - sorry, no sympathy there. 
Have a peaceful Christmas with your hubby. I will raise a glass to you and all my SG sisters this year and say "The best is yet to be".
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to have somewhere to mull things over (and sometimes rant!) As I said, I am not really sure how I feel. In part i feel uninvolved, in part I feel sad for me but happy for P.

It was really nice to hear from a new friend, F. Thank you.

Bernie - you made me laugh even though you did not mean to! For a moment I thought "Bob's my stepdad, not my uncle!" Silly me! A lovely thought to raise a glass to everyone here. Last year I spent a few moments thinking of all the members of this board and both wishing everyone well and feeling less sad than I would have done without the friendship of people who understand. I will do the same this year before I ring the family, to give me strength!

Thanks for your messsage Irisheyes, you alway understand! I have lots of neices and newphews on DH side too, I have never felt jealous about them as most were born before or as we first got together and only one was born after we started ttc, but that was just after our first mc and before we knew we also had a problem conceiving, so there was still so much hope that I did not strongly feel left out. Back then I was still looking forward to joining the grown up club! It is definately different now it is my brother's turn so long after we gave up, no doubt cos my own family are so much more involved than I feel. They do seem to expect me to be excited to become an aunt as they have forgotten that DH's family make me an aunt 9 times over and now a grandaunt too! I am also a godmother to a dear friend's child.

Thank you all again for your replies.

LoL

Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest JQ

I hear you and understand when you feel this remoteness and detached from the situation. Perhaps its your mind and hearts way of protecting yourself and preventing sad memories of what might have been for you, or simply its time that has made you become this way. 

I too have sad memories of christmas. I had my 3rd ectopic pregnancy 4 years ago a week and a half before christmas, I went through my first IVF in the midst of christmas and this time of year is always a reminder of those that are not present in the physical... our hearts always hold those we miss hon.

Thinking of you and your wee ones, also thinking of all of you out there and appreciating that this time of year can really pull on the heartstrings.

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Much love to you Emcee. Thank you so much for your really understanding reply. You will be foremost in my thoughts as I remember all my FF this Xmas.


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

jq, I think it sounds like you're dealing with the situation really well. I have a pg SIL who I haven't seen or spoken to yet, so I've got this situation to deal with soon and I'm comforted by the strong way you've dealt with this.  I'm really hoping I can be so strong!


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Emmag,

Thanks for your message, not so sure I am strong, maybe just hardened over time!?

I will stick around for a while, so hope I can be here to listen if you need an ear (eye?) over the time of your SiLs pg. May I ask, how come you have never met?

Love Jq xxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

jq said:


> Hi Emmag,
> 
> Thanks for your message, not so sure I am strong, maybe just hardened over time!?
> 
> ...


Thank you, I really appreciate that. I have met my sil, I meant I haven't seen or spoken to her since the pg announcement! Overemotional me = poor sentance structure!


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

That explains it emma! Keep in touch. Lol Jq xxx


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