# Feeling very low today



## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi,

I havent been on here for a while. Have been trying so hard to put everything to the back of my mind but feeling particularly low today.

After my miscarriage I really had had enough of all this crap and I actually went through a stage where I gave up and weirdly it was such a nice change to not be constantly fixating about certain days in the month and whether or not we had managed to "get enough practise in" and then having that inevitable disapointment each month when your period comes as it always does. 

Unfortunately it didnt last and now I am even more angry at myself for "wasting"some precious time when I could have been trying harder and also angry at myself that my stupid body wont play along. 

I have a beautiful daughter for which I am truly grateful. I know there are so many people out there who would do anything to be in my position - my own sister being one of them. But it is so hard when my DD begs me for "a baby in my tummy so she can have a little brother". All her friends have brothers and sisters and she sometimes seems so lonely.

My body has been playing tricks on me the last few months. I have had what has felt like morning sickness a week before my period and whereas usually I force myself to wait for a test until I am more sure I have fallen into the trap both times and rushed out to buy one. This morning I had totally convinced myself I was pregnant. I have felt sick for a week now and and my DH said something about my boobs looking bigger. Did a test this morning which of course was negative and then got my period half hour later. What an idiot. I was due today so there was no reason to put myself through another negative test.

I feel so fed up with it all, I am 40 next year and with only one tube left I know my chances are low.  I dont know if I am a actually little bit depressed - I have been very tearful lately and abit "unhinged"- the slightest thing makes me loose my temper and its so hard to control. But I dont want to go to the doctor as they will probably just want to put me on some happy pills - which I am pretty sure prevents you from trying to conceive? 

Im really sorry to offload - just not sure what else to do. I cannot speak to my DH about it, he finds it really hard to understand why I would get upset over something that we cant influence. And i put on a brave face to the rest of my friends and family.....

Anyway, thanks for listening x


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## Bubblicious (Jul 8, 2010)

Debbienick, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way . Please don't have regrets about what you should or should not have done ... all you're doing is making yourself fell worse. What's done is done so the only way to look now is forward.

I completely understand what you mean about thinking that you feel depressed. I was the same; I had a couple of emotional outbursts at work and was once called "irrational" but I did feel like I had lost my grip on my emotions. I did not approach my GP either as I know a woman who was refused IVF due to mental health issues she declared on her HFEA form even though her mental state was all down to her infertility [so unjust].

Instead, I leaned on my DH for support and spoke to my Sister/Mum, who tried to understand but really couldn't, so the ladies here became my saviours. Suddenly, I felt like I wasn't alone and my feelings were normal. So offload away! It is good to get things off your chest and vent and cry! It does you no good to be always putting on a brave face. Most of the women here will say that they could have written your post themselves.

What helped me and I'm not advocating this to everyone, was to put in place a plan and then to decide when we would stop. You have to really be at some level of acceptance to do this and I had got there after feeling constantly guilty about what effect this might have been having on DS and realising how much we had put off to pursue this. It really helped me to get my head in order. Suddenly, I was all about action and less about procrastinating. I had a plan as well should our last ditch attempt not work ... I would find a fantastic flexible job, we would take DS all over the world, we would make sure he got to see his cousins more often. I had realised that there is no real reason we could not be happy as a three. It was a case of changing my mindset; of focusing on the good things I had and not the things I didn't have.

Whatever you decide, know that there will always be someone here who will know where you are coming from and won't judge you if you need to rant or need some extra support.

All the best,

Bubbs


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Hi Debbie
Sorry you are feeling low today, it's only natural with all that you have been through especially if your body is playing tricks on you too, I think thats the worse bit.  Don't beat yourself up about it too much as its ok to feel  down about it but just as Bubs says this is the best place to share and off load - its why FF was made. When I was going though all my tx etc it was so lovely to come on here and feel at home and relaxed and be able to say anything I wanted, rant about silly stuff that even my dh did not understand. The worse thing about 2ndry is that it's hard to avoid your friends kids siblings and that makes it worse as they can be everywhere sometimes and it's hard to explain to your child why they can't have one! My son is 10 in 2 days and is now saying and has been for a while he is quite glad not to have one now and is so happy to have his sister dog. He is on the other room now with 6 of his friends, they all have siblings and some see each other more because the siblings are friends too that's the bit I have always found the hardest. However, I can also concede what a nice peaceful calm existence we have mostly with just us three. It's not easy but it does get better with time I promise and in the meantime just come on here and off load!  As you can see have had rim old time of it and now as I approach my 48th birthday are feeling happier than I have for a while,
Take care honey 
Love
Susie


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## littleprincess (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi Debbie,
Well, I'm definitely someone who could have written your post myself.
Have one beautiful daughter already and been trying now for nearly 3 years for second. I suffered my third consecutive miscarriage last month and after 48 hours of misery said, never again. We've actually had really great last couple of weeks (despite obvious sadness still lingering) a lovely long weekend away as a couple and a fun half term week doing things everyday with my daughter. I definitely agree with having a plan and we've decided to give it one last go (despite only a few weeks ago saying never again!) I've booked acupuncture for next week and also have appointment with gynae then too to review whether to go for miscarriage testing, continue with clomid (managed to conceive before starting) or just keep trying naturally....
I definitely feel one way or another, this year is it. One thing that makes me really sad though and does get me down is that I feel no excitement whatsoever at the prospect of getting pregnant. Like you, I have actually felt happier (despite miscarriage) this past month when I've enjoyed guilt free wine and just spending time with my DH and DD as a couple or as a 3. I know if we don't try though that I will always be left with that nagging feeling of we could have had another if I'd just tried harder.
Hate this guilt- so hard to move on......

Sending you lots of


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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi,

Thank you both so much. It sounds like you have both really been through the mill. Congratulations on your pregnancy Bubblicious, what wonderful news! Great to know some of us get there in the end!

I do feel a bit better today. I do usually feel low when I find out ive got another period but I do get over it quite quick. 

It does help to know I can chat on here - my DH as lovely as he is just doesnt get it. He cant see the point of stressing and worrying over something that we cant change - he is in the army so they are bred that way unfortunately! He gets frustrated with me if I show that its getting me down and it can be exhausting sometimes putting on a brave face when I just feel like having a cry.

Thanks again for making me feel a bit more positive x


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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi little princess, I must have been posting just as you were - just saw your reply. Im so sorry to hear your news. Its so cruel. 

If I did actually get pregnant again I would feel the same as you. I just couldnt go through it again if it went wrong. The missed miscarriage and the treatment I needed in hospital as a result reminded me so much of the ectopic surgery. I know I would find a scan very stressful (if we ever get there!) after being told bad news twice in a row ....so its such a double edged sword.

I really hope you manage to keep positive 

Take care and best of luck x


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi Debbie

I'm another one who could have written your post and I've had similar off loadings on here and it really does help!!! I'm another planner but I make a plan and then want it to happen faster!!

I'm trying really hard not to take a test at the moment. I know I'm not pregnant but because this cycle is lasting a few more days I keep looking for signs that I am and want to do a test but will hate to see a negative!

Talk to DH to make a plan and rant on here all you need!


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## DBaby2 (Jul 29, 2010)

Hi Debbie,  We had been trying for nearly 3yrs and last year I felt like you and I'm convinced I was depressed.  I told my DH I couldn't cope anymore and needed help but didn't want to be given anti-depressant tabs.  I actually felt a bit better by admitting how I felt.  I couldn't give up wanting another yet the wanting was effecting our lives so much and in particular my DD was feeling the effects of my behaviour.  As I reaslised this and that our lives were being tormented by my need I made a plan.  We decided to try once see how it goes and then if we survived the first ICSI may go for another but maximum tries would be 2.  I'm 40 in a few weeks.  I made a plan for if it didn't work so I had a goal to look forward to and then I managed to get some perspective into our lives.  I know if it was just the 3 of us we would be happy if I could let go wanting another.  We agreed that we would treat our DD to some fantastic holidays and make sure our house was always open to her friends.  I started a course of acupuncture to try and help with the stress and actually needed two courses of 10 treatments (not cheap) but I think this was crucial to me being in a relaxed and more focused state of mind.  We had ICSI and I used zita west CD which is a fantastic relaxation.  

I would say that this website has also got me through the really tough times I haven't always posted (new to ICSI so couldn't help anyone at the time) but reading what others said made me realise I was not alone especially when family and friends haven't really a clue what we go through and at times doesn't seem as though they try.

I wish you all the luck and hope you can find a way to keep your spirits up.

xx


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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Thank you all so much for posting. It is quite comforting to know that what I am feeling isnt that unusual and that maybe Im not going mad after all!

I will try to consider a plan. I just know that if I do make a plan with my DH it will be set in stone as that is the way he is and Im a bit scared to be honest in case I change my mind!  I am so near 40 now and even though it seems like a good bench mark what if it was that I would have fallen pregnant at 40 years plus 1 month but would never know as i stopped trying at 40....but on the other hand I know that we will have to give up at some point - I dont want to be contending for worlds oldest mum after all!

I have had an appointment come through for mid march so going to see what they say about it all. We went through all the initial tests last year and I had just got my appointment through when I found out I was pregnant so I cancelled it. Then had a miscarriage and so gutted that never got to find out the results (it was no easy feat getting my DH to do his business for the greater good!). I went back to the docs afew weeks ago to ask if there was any chance of finding out what those results were as it could be something that could be fixed or at least helped along abit by treatment.....so who knows, this appointment might shake something up. In the meantime will try to be positive and focus on what we have. 

Thanks again xxx


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## claire82 (Mar 2, 2012)

i know how you feel ive had the same just before my period i felt sick even went off tea then period comes as usual and late periods ive been very down and question everything not sure whats right or how i feel.we all need to let it all out and talk to people who know whats we feel ive tried with mum and sister and dh but no joy they say im being selfish


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