# Issues with stepdaughters jealousy over adoptive son



## Mallyally (Dec 28, 2012)

I will try n keep it brief x I have been with my husband for 8 years. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage who where 6 n 12 when we first met. Although we met 2 years after their split their mum hates me and will do anything to get her daughters to hate me. We had them 4 days a week. Also over the weekends with me being their main carer. At 15 the eldest stopped speaking to us n she hasn't spoke to us for 6 years but can't give a reason why (parental alienation syndrome) The youngest has always clung to me and needed me so much. she has been my shadow. 

I have always wanted to be a mum n we eventually decided to adopt when we thought the youngest at 14 didn't need me as much as she was starting to become more independent. We shared the most appropriate part of the adoption with her as we did this as a family and wanted to include her.

We have had our adoptive son for a year now. He was 9 months old when he came into our lives. He melted into our family so easy and is such a good baby. As I am an older parent of 46 n have had many many years of wanting children, my family were over the moon that I finally got to be a mum and adore my son. They have also taken on my step daughter like their own n do not treat her any different to their naturally family.

We are now having issues with my stepdaughter who is 15 n has a 18 year old boyfriend. She had started lying to us saying she is sleeping at her boyfriends when they are at her mums. Her grades have dropped. She is horrible to me most of the time being s typical sulky teenager. There are no rules at all her mums who she barely sees when she is there. I am now getting blamed for everything n she says she doesn't get on with me n that my son gets all the attention from everyone. In the next breath she says she is now 15 n more independant, doing her own thing. She has more attention than a normal 15 year old because she has always been needy and we try and compensate for the lack of attention from her mum. All she goes on about is how much attention my son gets n she feels left out. We have given her more freedom than normal because we are trying to keep the peace but there are still rules at our house I feel it's all going against us. She doesn't really have much to so with my son.

It has got to the point where my I feel she is going the way her sister did and it will break my husbands heart. I don't know what to do?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm a head on kind of person so my advice won't suit all. I would wait till ds is in bed so she has undivided attention and you and dh sit down with her and say. We feel that you are unhappy at the moment and we want to understand and help in anyway we can so we have set aside the whole of this evening to listen to you. And do exactly that listen she may say a host of hurtful things at first but allow her to do this without any fear of being told off or judged.  I find the truth only comes out after the anger. My guess would be seeing your boy with his ( in her eyes obviously an adult sees the complications and difficulties ) perfect family unit of two parents together is very painful and has opened wounds connected to her parents split. A number of my friends with divorced or separested parents talked of struggling with coming from something that was broken at that age as a teenager my parents are still married so I wouldn't assume to understand what they meant by this but  lot of them said it. Also she is likely to feel you love ds more than her which is very hard for her as due to her older siblings distance you have been 100% hers. She may feel your needto adopt ds is because she isn't good enough for you / she has done something wrong.  

I know all the above is irrational and you love her dearly but teenagers are incredibly vulnerable creatures.  Once she has spoken at length I would let her prioritise the 3 biggest issues for her. Then work together to find solutions / ways to reassure her. My guess is an outing alone with you a fortnight or month is likely to be a solution.  Perhaps look at something ( funds permitting ) like having a regular slot to do nails or  something where there's a focus but she can also talk if she wants. Good luck I have massive admiration for people who step parent properly like you I honestly think it's the hardest parenting there is, hugs xx


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## Mallyally (Dec 28, 2012)

Thank you for your reply it's great to get someone else's perspective. We do try to have quality time with her but she always wants either a friend or her boyfriend round all the time. We have spoke to her seperately n together.but she just brings up things that she had an issue with a year ago n can't seem to let them go.  My son sleeps a lot n is in bed by 7 so we have the night free with her if she wants it but she tends to stay in her bedroom or is out with her boyfriend.  He even sleeps about 3 hours in an afternoon. We have said that we understand that she is a teenager n wants to do her own thing but it would be nice to spend some quality time with her too. I take her to singing lesson every week n my husband is taking her away for a weekend in the new year just the 2 of them. I have told her I miss our special time together when we did our girly things n have asked her to spend some time with me but it's always boyfriend time, which we understand x do you think we should insist she does not see her boyfriend some night n spend time with us? When she is not with him she is texting ******** or talking to him x teenagers n technology can come in the way of having a normal face to face at the most of times x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think I'd offer to spend time with her and boyfriend it's a tough one but from having worked with teenagers I've found,  I'm always very weary of telling teenage couples no to time together as it tends to make them think they're Romeo and julliett which is the last thing anyone needs. I think ultimately bringing stuff up from a year ago is a masking of her true feelings.  Quite often it's only when sensitively pushed we actually recognise ourselves what is wrong.  As a teenager I remember feeling only my friends understood me so you gravitate towards them. The other thing that might help is making an effort to make sure you say something complimentary / positive to her each time you speak regardless of how vile she's being even if it's as simple as complimenting an item of clothing or hair style as she storms of upstairs just stops every interaction being all negative which can easily happen with a teen as they're such hard work.  

The other way to encourage conversation is to buy into the teen world and remember how important fall outs relationships etc felt then. These are the teen equivalent of  money worries health issues etc to adults. If you give them this focus and really empathise with her friends 'problems' etc she may be more willing to talk about her world with you both.  A lot of teens I work with won't talk to parents as they feel they deem their issues trivial which to an adult they are however to a teen they're the world. 

You are doing an amazing job from the sound of it and have probably tried all these things in which case keep trying to connect and remember teens do push away it's really hard but normal. She isn't her sister and the great work you've put in will come out in the future.  I was awful from 14 to 16 just somuch mentally going on I was horrendous to my parents and so distant if I could have lived else where I would of. By A levels I was a lot happier and settled again and have had a great relationship with my parents since. So if all else doesn't help keep reminding yourself it will pass xxxxx


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## Maccer (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi Mallyally, 


I can sympathise totally, I have a 20 year old sd that lives with us, she moved in with us when she was 16, her sister is 17 and lives with her mother.  Last year the eldest sd stopped talking to her mother for about 11 months but recently has started talking to her again, out of the blue.  She has said numerous times rightly or wrongly that she sees me more as mother than her own mum, I don't encourage this as she has a mum, but she sounds similar to your husbands ex, there are very little rules and boundaries in her home.  Lately she has been lying Bout seeing her mum and we have no idea why. 


We have had numerous issues such as her stealing chocolate from our bedroom and then planting the wrapper in my sons bedroom.  Anyway what I am trying to get to is 18 months after our son was placed with us she finally came out and said she feels like he has replaced her.  I battle with this because as I see it she had a perfectly normal childhood and she is 20, their needs are very different,  Our son came to us when he was 5 and suffered neglect so he does want and need a lot of attention which I think she struggles with.  The strange thing is that she said that she felt he replaced her in my eyes not her fathers.  I think we underestimate the impact we have in our step children's lives.  I don't know what the solution is I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I have tried and failed countless times to not let it wind me up, your sd is more than likely trying to make you jealous as she comes to terms with your attention and lives changing significantly.  Time may be the only thing that helps and being there when she needs you.  

Sorry I have said more about my story than given advice but hope you find some help in my reply.

Macccer xxx


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