# Seriously thinking about adoption!



## Viva (May 16, 2005)

DH and I started our journey to have a family over 3 years ago now and even before we started we had always thought that we would adopt if we couldn't have our own. Well after nearly a year of investigations we have been told that we are unlikley to be able to concieve unless we go down the IVF route, this is due to me having masses of adhesions within my pelvis basically gluing my ovaries and tubes up against my pelvic wall, some of my bowel is also stuck! We are waiting to have our post op follow up but from what we were told imediately after my lap and dye surgery is unlikely to be an option as it will only make the situation worse. We have always felt and still do that IVF is not a route we want to take, we desperately want to be parents but do not feel that the child would have to be biologically ours. I also have reservations about putting us through a course of treatment when the outcome is so uncertain, I know the adoption route is by no means certain either but at the moment it seems to sit more comfortable with us.
Has anyone had experience of adopting when they haven't had treatment first? Would it be viewed on as strange that we haven't exhausted every route to have our own child first? Are we still likely to be asked to wait for a year before we can start adoption proceedings?


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

I am hoping to adopt without going through treatment.  I have 'congenital absence of a uterus' meaning - no womb.  Although we could have gone down the surrogacy route we decided against it and so our 'first option' is adoption.  I am not sure I can say it was our 'first choice' but it is now 100% definately right for us.  

We had no problems with it and sw was very good in dealing with our infertility issues when we discussed them but I know that most agencies like you to have 6 - 12months off between treatment/investigations and starting adoption.  this is to allow you time to 'grieve' for the biological child you don't /won't have. TBH - I think I needed 6 months just to get my head around to the idea of adopting at all!

It will be discussed in the process but as long as you are open and honest about your decisions there shouldn't be a problem.

Feel free to join us on our wee board even if you decide at a later stage it isn't for you...we'd love for you to join us and share our journey.

magenta xx


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi Viva,

I had two operations, and quite a number of problems which would prevent us from conceiving naturally, and we decided not to go down the IVF route,  Adoption was always something we felt would be right for us, and we also didn't want to go through treatment that may not work when there were already children in the world needing parents.  That is not to say this is right for everybody, but it did feel right for us.

When you go through the adoption process , they will ask you in detail about infertility.  They want to be sure that you have come to terms with it, that in a sense you have both come to terms with the loss of not having your own biological child, and that you are ready to move on.  

We explained the reasons why we could not have children naturally, that we had had operations that did not work and they felt happy that we had come to terms with this.  They did not probe us on why we hadn't exhausted every possibility.  So I think it would be fine for you to just tell the truth.

Whatever you choose, wishing you lots of luck.

Rianna


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Thanks Rianna and Magenta,
It's reassuring that they accept that everyone's journey is different and I can understand why we need to give ourselves time to ensure that we are truely ready to move on. 
Where are you in your journeys?
Viva
XXX


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi Viva,

We were approved November 2005 and we are waiting for a match.  Hopefully not to long.

Rianna.


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi viva hope you get your  match soon.. i got our match today. with a little girl


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Congratulations Molly, you must be over the moon, do you have to wait for long before you can take her home? 
Riana, it's great to hear that you've been approved, I look forward to hearing that you've been matched soon!
Viva
XXX


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Hello Viva!

Wow isn't it lovely to hear from people who feel the same as you! I have ocasionally had a difficult time explaining to people (not to any ffers I must say, they have all been perfect as always!) that we have moved straight to fostering and adoption without trying tx. 

We too have been ttc for 3 years, and we found out in October that chances were it really wasn't going to happen without ICSI. 
We felt exactly as you have described, and decided to move to adoption. 
Things have happened out of our control along the way - and for now we are registering as foster parents, but hopefully the adoption register in our area will open again in the not too distant future and once we've fostered for a while we will be able to move on to that. 

As for how long you will be asked to wait..... we met our first SW in December (having been diagnosed in October) and she was happy for us to proceed at that point. I think different Social Services have different criteria, and some will just come to meet you and see how they think you are feeling about it all. 

I don't think it will be viewed as stange that you have moved straight to adoption. As I said before I can totally empathise with what you're saying. I have found that whilst they have been supportive some friends have thought it was unusual - but so far as SWs go, nobody has said it was strange. They have talked to us about the whys and the future of course, but as long as you are open and honest they will respect your decision. 

I hope that helps - I really look forward to seeing how you get on in the future!

Take care,
love,
Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Lou,
Thanks for replying, it is lovely to find people in a similar situation. I am a little surprised to hear that the adoption register in your area is closed presently and think that you are amazing for going down the fostering path, I would worry that I'd never manage to give them back! 

I've taken the opportunity over the past couple of days to make a few phone calls and it is likely that we will go to an information evening in the next couple of months to find out more and after that who knows...certainly the couple of social workers I have spoken to so far have not tried ot put us off! It's lovely to be able to feel positive again after so much heartache and although I'm sure that adoption would not be all plan sailing I can't help feeling a little bit excited too. This is such a lovely and positive part of the board and even before we were seriously considering adoption as a real option for us I used to love browsing here and reading peoples stories!

All the very best with your journey (have you been approved yet?)
Love 
Viva
XXX


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Viva,
Thank you for the good wishes! We are about to go on next months  fostering course so are still quite near the beginning.... at least things are finally moving along though. 

I just wanted to mention a book my husband and I read when we very first started going down the adoption route. It helped us so much to answer a lot of questions and gave us a really good starting point to discuss some of the issues. 
It is available from the BAAF website, here's the link:
www.baaf.org.uk
It was a guide to adoption and fostering and it was well worth reading.

Really hope it all works out well for you, it's lovely to hear that you are feeling positive again.

Love Lou xxxxxxxxx


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## Jayne B (Feb 2, 2004)

Hi Viva

it's exciting to hear about you going down the adoption route.  My DH and I had been ttc for 4 1/2 years, we have unexplained infertility, we are 30 and 31.  2 years of tests revealed no obvious problems, hence the unexplained.  We decided to have the 6 cycles of chlomid offered to us on nhs as it was non evasive.  No positive outcome.  We were allowed 3 nhs IUI attempts, but after one failed one, decided assisted treatment wasn't for us.  We were told we would need ICSI & decided it wasn't for us for various reasons.  It was something we realise is an individual decision, and for us enough was enough.  That was last summer, after a week away in Ireland, (we had already looked into adoption when we found out info about IVF) we felt real peace (& excitement about adoption).  

We went went with a charity adoption agency, and attended adoption trg course Oct 05.  Cannot explain how positive and exciting it's all been, although tiring and quite emotionally draining when having SW visits.  our SW has been fantastic though.

Wishing you every success
Lots of love Jayne xx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

HI Jayne, 
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story, the more we think about adoption the more we feel that it is the option for us! How long before your panel?
Thanks Lou for your book recommendation we know we want to get reading some books but haven't got around to ordering any yet so it's great to have a recommnedation to start with!
Have a good weekend
Love Viva
XXX


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