# Another month gone, another period arriving...



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

...does it ever get any easier?  

I really thought this month would be different as DH's forms are now normal and I have been put on levothyroxine.  Stupid, stupid, stupid... I allowed myself to hope again that it might happen naturally and that I'd be one of those surprise natural BFP's.  Now AF is on the way and I'm in tears again.

Why do I put myself through it?


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## minkey114 (Nov 10, 2010)

Hi Mandy,

    

Because you are human and without hope where would we be??  I am also hoping and praying for a natural miracle this month even though I know deep down there is no chance, so I have no idea why we do it either.......BUT miracles do happen and if you didn't try then there really would be no chance, at least you tried  

Look after yourself and you are in the best possible hands with ARGC, good luck x x x


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## jojo29 (Aug 27, 2004)

The short answer is, no. I know exactly how you are feeling. I got nothing but BFN for years. We tried all sorts. I remember the pain on seeing the blood, the tears, the feeling of 'it will never happen' and to be honest I kept trying but in my heart if I was honest I never thought it would, but it did. I remember the emotions like they were yesterday, I was so down around the time AF was due because I just knew she was coming and then I remember the hope I felt a few days after AF had past and I continued like this for 18 months or so then I got the shock of my life. Against all the odds we did it. I never gave up and I have all sorts of problems and DP had a vas reversal so the odds were very much stacked against us so I believe if we can do it anyone can. Dont give up, stay positive, it will happen, keep telling yourself that.
jojox


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I'm pleased that it happened naturally for you twice but I have to face facts, it never will for us.  We've been trying for about 2 years.  If it was going to happen, it would have.  I've now been diagnosed with immune issues so I suppose that's something that can be worked on but it will never happen without drugs.  In the meantime I get older and older and my fertility fades.

We will always try every month naturally (when not undergoing treatment) but I just have to make sure I never expect it to work.  I just can't keep hoping - it hurts too much.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

minkey114 said:


> Hi Mandy,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Mandy Pandy

I hope you are feeling better, IT WILL HAPPEN you have to believe that. WE have been trying almost 4 years, and vasectomy, reversal, failed ICSI etc I still believe it will happen I just have to be patient!!! It is really really hard, my AF arrived this morning after a month of clomid stupidly allowed myself to imagine I might get lucky too but I am facing facts that I need ISCI. Have you thought about IVF? xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

J9L said:


> Mandy Pandy
> 
> I hope you are feeling better, IT WILL HAPPEN you have to believe that. WE have been trying almost 4 years, and vasectomy, reversal, failed ICSI etc I still believe it will happen I just have to be patient!!! It is really really hard, my AF arrived this morning after a month of clomid stupidly allowed myself to imagine I might get lucky too but I am facing facts that I need ISCI. Have you thought about IVF? xxx




We have tried ICSI (see my sig) - I'm just still trying to come to terms with the fact that it will never, ever happen naturally. I really need to just accept that.


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Mandypandy

Apologies I hadn't seen your signature. Its so hard this ttc stuff, it makes you want to curl up and die at times, well it has me anyway. I like you can't see to accept that I can never get preg naturally and can't imagine always having to go through ICSI if I want children. AT the moment I would just be happy to get lucky once and have at least one baby but I suppose it's just not my time. IT's so unfair my bf has just annouced she's having twins naturally, already got a 12month old boy. She just seems to get preg so easy why can't we be like that. We have been debating when is the right time for next ICSI since march and I just don't feel ready yet, I don't know how you've gone through almost 4. I keep fooling myself that we will fall naturally but I deep down know this is not to be the case and after almost 4 years that would have happended now if it was going to. Have you decided how many ICSI's you will have? It's so hard I pray you get some luck soon. xxxx


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## emmasmith9 (Apr 6, 2011)

Mandy Pandy,
I'm so sorry. 

I very much doubt it will happen naturally for me either (severe endo) and am kind of resigned to IVF now, I just pray that works. I don't think I can face a future without any children 

I get the same every month, about a week before AF is due depression sets in. Funny enough once AF has turned up I feel a bit more positive, a fresh chance and all. So I really do feel your pain. There's always that voice in your head saying "twinges...maybe!" even though I know it's stupid to raise my hopes and end up in floods of tears again. But it is just human nature.

I'm sorry things are tough for you, at least you know you are not along and lots of other women are in the same boat as you.
xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

J9L said:


> Mandypandy
> 
> Apologies I hadn't seen your signature. Its so hard this ttc stuff, it makes you want to curl up and die at times, well it has me anyway. I like you can't see to accept that I can never get preg naturally and can't imagine always having to go through ICSI if I want children. AT the moment I would just be happy to get lucky once and have at least one baby but I suppose it's just not my time. IT's so unfair my bf has just annouced she's having twins naturally, already got a 12month old boy. She just seems to get preg so easy why can't we be like that. We have been debating when is the right time for next ICSI since march and I just don't feel ready yet, I don't know how you've gone through almost 4. I keep fooling myself that we will fall naturally but I deep down know this is not to be the case and after almost 4 years that would have happended now if it was going to. Have you decided how many ICSI's you will have? It's so hard I pray you get some luck soon. xxxx


It is dreadful but I'm trying to accept that it is the only journey I have - that for whatever reason, I'll never be like 'normal' people who get pregnant without having to worry about it or ever knowing what is really involved in getting (and staying) pregnant. It doesn't stop me trying naturally every month (when not in treatment) but it normally stops me from expecting anything to actually happen. When I started this thread, I'd been told that DH's swimmers had gone up to 15% normal forms. We've since found out that our clinic uses different scales to describe 'normal' and in actuality, he was still down around the 2% normal, so had I known that, I never would have got my hopes up.

I'm like you and have now altered my images for the future from a happy family of 4 (2 children) to thinking I'd be happy with a family of 3. I haven't yet thought about what it would be like to stay as a family of 2.

In terms of how many ICIS's we'll do, it's hard to say - obviously I hope each one works so when I think about treatment it's always with a view that there will only be one more. If the worst happens and it doesn't work, we'll stop trying when I run out of the ability to cope with it all emotionally. Each time we try something slightly different so there is still hope yet.  My next treatment will probably be with FGA (Dr Gorgy) and he's already sugested a few different things to try. I'll be doing another round either at the end of August or September. Time is not on my side so I have to keep plugging away at it. You have the luxury of being able to wait, so you're quite lucky on that front (believe it or not, it could be worse - imagine if you were 10-15 years older!) even if you're not lucky with having to go through it all in the first place. 

The pregnancy of friends/family is really difficult. My brother and sister in law did not want children at all. When we told them we were having troubles conceiving they said they'd get themselves checked out. Sure enough, my BIL had the same issues as my DH. I'm ashamed to say that I was quite relieved as it meant they wouldn't be having a child before us. They started trying immediately. Their issues were obviously not as bad as ours as within 3 months of trying, she was pregnant. So now the whole family is excited because they will be having the first grandchild. That was supposed to be us.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

emmasmith9 said:


> Mandy Pandy,
> I'm so sorry.
> 
> I very much doubt it will happen naturally for me either (severe endo) and am kind of resigned to IVF now, I just pray that works. I don't think I can face a future without any children
> ...


I'm the same really. Once AF has turned up I'm ok - it's just the anticipation. I'm a bit down on my clinic for ever havng suggested that we might have a chance naturally. It's unfair to offer hope where there is none.

Still, this thread is from a couple of months ago and I've done another round of treatment since then and am looking to the future for the next lot, which I'm hoping will be different. We're moving to another clinic but I get a really good vibe from it and am much happier with it than any of the others I've been to. So hopefully it's a good sign. If I feel comfortable with the clinic and confident in the doctors, then I'll be a lot more relaxed with the treatment so hopefully it has a better chance of working.


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

MandyPandy

it is so hard and it's just so unfair some people have children so easily and others don't. It's something you take for granted all your life until you actually start trying!! That was the case for me anyway, I was on the pill from 16-24 until I met hubby and despite his vasectomy and then successful reversal I fooled myself I would fall straight away as I was only 25, how wrong was i!! My clinic have been really good but they don't have the best statistics of success but it's where our GP referred us to and to be honest I don't want to add more time being changed to another clinic and completing all the investigations again. 
I am lucky in that I do have a bit more time on my side, however I am 30 next month and i fear my dream of being a large family of 6 are very quickly diminishing, that makes me so frustrated saying that!! Why can't my and dh's bodies just do what they are supposed to!!! I know I am still youngish but almost 4yrs of trying and a year before that saving for DH's vasectomy reversal I feel like I have been on this journey forever!!! 

I understand completely about your brother, my younger sister was exactly the same, said she didn't want children and now is preg after 3 months of trying, she is due in August and whilst I am happy for her and pleased I am going to be an aunty I am ashamed to say I begrudged her the pregnancy at first, she is going to be producing the first g child like your family and that has been a bitter pill for me to swallow given my mum and her know how long we have been talking/trying of a family.

You sound like you are in a completely different place now and I do feel a lot of this ferttility stuff is mentally connected to our well being. I know the doctors are specialists but I know my own body and I think deep down I know I am not going to get preg when I obsess about it all the time. The question is how do you 'forget all about it and relax' as people say!! I wish I knew xxx


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## mclou (May 10, 2011)

hi, i just wanted to thank you for putting on your message about another month gone by. i was thinking only today that i would come on here tonight as was feeling very down about exactly the same thing. as much as every month i say that there will be no more getting my hopes up, i do.
i don,t mention it to my dh but i know i count the days and try and make sure we are ttc on the right days. it is like there is something inside that won't listen to your head or your heart and just keeps hoping.
one of my relatives said to me the other day that i am coping very well with knowing we probably can't have children. i,m not sure if i,m coping well or in denial.....
i am conviced a miracle will happen.
i try to think of what i do have not what i don't have and it does help but just feels like something is missing.
i/we are trying to get our heads around the future without children. i feel so blessed to have the dh that i do and feel i have to be strong for him.
i have started going to yoga and feel like that is helping relieve some of the stress and tension. 
good luck to all you ladies out there. 
sending you all huge hugs xx


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