# Weekend looming



## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Hello everyone

I've not been on here for a long time..I guess you could say I'm sort of muddling through things as best as I can - some good days, some bad.

Not looking forward to this weekend though. We are meeting up with a group of DH's friends - 5 couples who are all staying in a large cottage with their collective 9 children under 5, who have all been born whilst we have been trying to conceive/having treatment etc.etc. Fortunately we have avoided actually staying there with them (this was very difficult, even though they all know we have had failed IVF, do they just not realise anything?!). Wish me luck (and a great deal of patience) with all the 'earth mothers' and their assorted comments. I think I am going to have to think up some sort of self-reward scheme for it if I manange to get through it with no tears (on my part!).


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## CherryWoo (Nov 1, 2007)

Hi Helen, You are one brave lady for even considering this smug-fest- not that I'm bitter! ;-) People can just be so mind-numbingly insensitive. Then, when you try to talk to a friend about how another pal/family member has upset you, they fob you off with 'they don't understand' or 'they don't mean any harm'- what a croc! Is it THAT HARD to put yourself in someone else's shoes?? It's like running rings around a person in a wheelchair- you wouldn't do it. My MIL is the best. Her catch phrase is 'people can't tip toe round round you'- no, but they can have a heart. 
Don't know how effective it is but I try to think of all the poo things associated with having children that those smugger individuals around me have suffered on occasions like this weekend- stretch marks, premature aging, stress incontinence, no lie-ins etc. I know these are nothing compared with being able to have your own kids but it does give me a naughty joy! I always go to the top floor of the bus too as the pram brigade can't- sad but true! Sometimes I kind of try to switch my emotions off a bit when I'm around babiesy ladies- my Hubby can spot the weird fake smile I use on these occasions a mile off! It is like a stepford wife. 
I'm afraid that you're gonna home & have a cry after this weekend. Only go if you think it will lift your spirits. Don't be press-ganged into it. It's not selfishness to avoid these things if possible, just self-preservation! You don't have to lose your pals, but you don't have to go to these very difficult outings either. Do what feels right for you Darlin.
(((Hugs))), Jen


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Helen I agree with everything that weejen said - her comments made me lol because thet are so true, and the word "smug fest" just hit the mark.

It is so important that you put yourself first and self preserve - I know on couple who have actually been through IVF and finally had their miracle baby - I thought that they would understand, but they have become just like every other couple we know we young children - they even send us photo after photo of them deliriously happy with their child, and it really has got to us. This more than any other couple we know. This year we avoided seeing them, and would not be cajoled into getting together.

Helen you are an absolute star for going to this get together weekend - I would not be able to do it - I find it so difficult to be around pg women or those with babies/young children. It is also HUGELY boring let's face it - after all if you don't have a child, how interesting are other people's children's potty training antics or the "funny" little things they say!!!

Sorry to sound so cynical - I feel this IF journey has changed the person I was, and i would love to get the old me back - the one who could be happy for other people and rejoice in my life as it was.

I hope this weekend is not too traumatic for you - look after yourselves, and remember you always have FF to "vent" when you get back!

Good luck
Nx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Good luck Helen - sounds like a challenging weekend a head of you.

I have a number of friends who, individually continue to be good, intelligent company however, when we all gather together, I find the collective conversation of endless kid/school/ballet/swimming/exams conversations crushingly, crushingly dull so you're not alone nbr!

flipper


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I know this is extremely hard and I wish you luck.

I have 2 friends who have babies and one on the way and I found it very hard. I even put myself through an NCT meeting with 6 mothers and babies with one friend who needed help with baby while she made lunch - am I glutton for punishment or what? 

They know and understand my situation and are very supportive.

I decided to change my attitude - I am not saying this is the easy answer and can be hard when they are all in a club you want to be in - but I figured that I could not change my situation, and may never have a baby of my own, but I can change my thinking. I decided to enjoy my friend's babies and throw myself into "auntiehood". If I can never have my own, at least I have the pleasure of cuddles, giggles, bathing baby and bedtime stories every now and then. I can even have an excuse to buy cute clothes and toys.

Sometimes I find myself crying, but this is balanced with the joy I get from being "auntie". I supposed I still have a glimmer of hope as I may still go for IVF with donor alone. If that does not work maybe I will be unable to still think this way.

I still find it very hard with all these pregnant people about and hurtful comments from MIL and others.

All you can do is try your best.


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

You poor thing! Never mind the 'smug fest' and the Earth mother comments - I can just imagine the bedlam of 9 young children under one roof! OMG!   There will be tears and tantrums (and that's just the parents   ) Then, as Flipper points out, you'll have your eyes glazed over by boring stories of nursery, nappies and lack of sleep. I can only presume that you are going along with this cos you really have run out of excuses. It sounds like hell to me. I suggest that of an evening, while the earth mothers are shackled to baby sitting duties, you make a quick exit and take yourself down the pub! 
Bernie xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Just wondering how it all went, and if you survived the weekend ok? Here for you hon...
Love
Emcee xxx


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Thank you so much for all your kind words, we did manage to have a mostly pleasant weekend in the end and there were no tears (apart from some onion-induced ones).

We stayed down the road in a pub/hotel, which I think is what made it OK. There were three upsetting points but I managed to keep composed.

1) We went round to the house where everyone was staying on Friday evening (post kids bedtime) to say hi and see what the plan was for the next couple of days and were immediately greeted by guess what, a pregnant woman (her 3rd). 

2) We (DH&I) went cycling for most of the day on Saturday but spent some time with all the children which was actually very nice, and then had a BBQ with the grown-ups when they'd gone to bed. So obviously at this point all the blokes decamped to do cooking and I found myself with 5 mums. After half an hour I had had enough and was getting a bit upset, especially as pregnant woman (plus another mum who has just had her third) were having a moan about how inconvenient their 3rd pregnancies were, what with baby being due on Dec 23rd and what bad timing it was as they are going to have to find school fees for their eldest  daughter come September..So I just excused myself and went and did things with food and had a large glass of wine before I got too annoyed to stay quiet.

3) We went cycling on Sunday again but went round again to say goodbye before we came home. DH invited one couple (he was best man at their wedding) to come and stay with us with their 2 kids( age 4 and 2).. Obviously I didn't expect any arrangements to be made there and then, but neither did I expect the comment that it was unlikely they would come, as it was easier to stay with another couple (who live about half an hour away from us) because they have the 'set up for kids' there (i.e. toys suitable for their own six month old, not toys for a four and two year old). What a '**** way of saying 'We dont want to come and stay with you'. The bloke in question is an insensitive boar but now DH has decided we must go and visit them instead as it's 'easier' . Easier for who I don't know, I just hope it's a long way in the future! This couple have had their children naturally after IVF and a miscarriage which just makes the comments even more annoying. 

So I have had my fill of smug parents for the time being, I am looking forward to the next few weekends now which I will make sure will be free of them.

When I write things like this down and read them back to myself, I sound very bitter. I do try my best, (as we all do) but as time goes on since our last failed treatment I am finding it increasingly difficult putting up with other people's ignorance and stupidity. I suppose I was spared the usual ones of 'Are you adopting' or 'You mustn't give up, it could still happen' for a change 

Rant over.

PS not sure if anyone else saw the article in Saturday's Times about what happens when IVF fails.... not hugely informative or anything but it was reassuring to see something in the paper about it at last!


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## CherryWoo (Nov 1, 2007)

Hi Helen, Was checking in to see how your weekend went. You are one strong cookie Mrs! I'm proud of you- wish I was that brave. Sorry if my earlier email sounded angry/bitter but I have recently been shocked by how insensitive people we trust & open our hearts to can be, & I was feeling indignant on your behalf (& mine!). I started menopause in my 20s & I think my hormones are still all over the show, so when I get cross- stand back!
Don't feel guilty if you have to step back from some members of the group of friends to protect yourself for a while. Those shocks of seeing unexpectedly pregnant aquaintances can be hard & you did really well. I would have been sneaking off for a good cry.
Thanks for the heads up on the times article. It was really good but I had to laugh when it quoted research done on the effect of failed IVF by the Royal Maternity Hospital Belfast. If they were sooo concerned about patients mental welfare, why would they put my HRT clinic (attended by a large no. of young women with POF) in with day obstetrics. It's a barrel of laughs sitting opposite pregnant couples when you are waiting to discuss your HRT!- Oh, oh- there goes the angry head again.
One excellent site it suggested was www.moretolife.co.uk I've been looking at the forum tonight & all these people are feeling the same stuff as us- we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves for this grief.
Jen xo

This post contains an unconfirmed link and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Jen is right - you mustn't be hard on yourself for this manifestation of grief. I think the angry/bitterness is a phase we all have to go through when we are in this predicament. And it is absolutely true that most people are oblivious to our pain and say really stupid hurtful things. I say you got a lucky escape with that couple not coming to stay with you! When people bring their children over to us we jokingly warn them that our house is not child safe. We have had a couple of funny episodes when toddlers have been found playing in the 'sand-pit' (our cats' litter tray) and eating cat biscuits (!!!) Luckily the parents had a good s.o.h. - and we all had a laugh. On a similar note we had 'friends' (no longer such) who complained that our tea-towels weren't clean enough for their sproglet (what a cheek!) People do go a bit weird when they have kids - perhaps it brings out the obsessive compulsive in them (?)  
But remember that these people will be saying goodbye to their darlings when they leave home - and they may turn around and think 'who am I - and what have I done with my life?' The way I look at it is we have a head start on them - about 10 years in most cases. And by then we will be well settled in a life where we are pursuing our dreams while actually young enough to enjoy them! I plan to take on new challenges like travelling or a new career and really do something with this time I have.
Bernie xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Helen

Considering everything you had to deal with for the whole weekend, I think you managed superbly and you deserve a huge pat on the back!

You may not realise it, but your post is quite inspiring to those out there who could be facing the same or a similar sort of scenario - so thank you for sharing with us  

I have to say that the things you mentioned that were upsetting had me nodding my head in acknowledgement saying 'I know, I know, I know'! Especially the one about sitting around before the BBQ - been there and done that and actually did something quite similar in making a sharp exit and heading for a very large wine glass filled to the brim with something alcoholic!

Good on you hon for remaining calm in the face of absurdity (who exactly do those so called friends think they are anyway who think your house is not sufficient for their requirements)? for hanging onto that wine glass (!) and for being able to spend some quality time with your other half - because it was your time out and weekend away too  

Love and a huge squidgy  
Emcee xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

I just wanted to say a big 'hear hear' to Bernie - we're celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary today (I know it doesn't sound like much, but we'll have been together 10 years in October!) and my DH said this morning that he just feels 'really happy' about life at the moment.  I think we both feel we're starting to head in the 'right' direction for us as a couple, and whilst it doesn't all come at once, it's all about that quality time which, lets face it, parents get very little of .. so I guess we're a bit smug about that too   

Jx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks. Yeah - we do have something to be smug about!  
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Helen,

I am sorry I missed out on the earlier posts as i would have liked to wish you good luck in dealing with a difficult weekend. Sounds like you have done great! Good on you.

Now all I can add is to re-iterate some of my ideas about friendship. My feeling is that over a lifetime we have many friendships, some of which will last a long time, and some of which will last just a while. The difference seems to be in the foundation on which the friendship is built.

A few friendships are built upon a deep connection and these sorts of friendships can last a lifetime. As such these friendships should be treasured.

On the other hand, many very valuable friendships are entirely built on the foundation of shared experiences. We may have to let these friendships go when our experiences diverge if we have little else in common. Letting go comes relatively easily when we and our friends actually *choose* very different paths through life. In that situation, feeling no envy or sorrow, we can wave goodbye and wish one another well. (Think of the friendships made as neighbours, as colleagues and as studets, we let many of these go as people move on.) It is much harder for friends who expected and wanted to continue to experience life side by side but find that is not to be. In this situation all sorts of complex feelings come into play that make it difficult for the friends to either move on together or acknowledge that it is time to let go. It's usually the one whose life has taken a different course that has to let go. With IF I think the people around us who have kids often think we are just the same old person and treat us just as they always did. What they don't realise is that very often the IF experience has changed us. The real friends will look a bit more deeply, these are the ones to hold onto.

Enjoy your weekends smug parent free!

Jq xxx


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## CherryWoo (Nov 1, 2007)

JQ- just wanted to say that I think you are going to make an excellent counsellor! You have hit the nail on the head with your eloquent & thoughtful words. I would never have thought of it that way, but you are exactly right. I really hope that (if it's not too painful) you could use your IF experiences to counsel others in the same position. We've all heard platitudes & unintentionally hurtful comments from those who haven't experienced this & are trying to be 'helpful', but I really believe that someone like you who actually knows what they are talking about could make a real difference to others lives for the better.

Helen- I really hope you have a lovely weekend this weekend- be REALLY nice to yourself as a reward for being so brave. You've been an inspiration to me in facing these poo situations.

J xo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Jen,

I felt all warm inside when I read your kind words of encouragement!

I am going into counselling training with an open mind about where it might take me.The first year is a foundation year and is apparently quite life changing. My neighbour did the course and found it really helped him to become more confident and less shy and to work out what he wants from life and go for it! Towards the end I will choose between the shorter counselling course or the psychotherapy. As to whether to try and specialise in IF or something else, I think that will emerge during the training. Of course I have thought about specialising in IF, but am also interested in the challenges of ageing and in relationships, of course IF may come into those areas anyway.

Thank you for paying me such a treasured complement!

Jq xxx


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## CherryWoo (Nov 1, 2007)

Hi Again Jq, I've been a lurker on this board for an age & your words always inspire me- nice to be able to return the favor in a small way.
Jen xo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi jen,

I have pm'd you rather than hijack this series!

Jq xxx


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