# How did you make the decision?



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

I think there might have been a post about this a while back.  We've just had our second missed miscarriage after 4 goes at IVF and 2 iuis before that.  The whole process has been 5 years long and despite the cycles going well, they always end in a BFN or miscarriage.  We went to an adoption information evening a couple of years ago and were still keen but decided to do more treatment at that time.  We are going to another session this week and although it's too soon to make any decisions, I've been thinking about it quite a bit.  Our two options now (apart from childlessness) are donor eggs (we are already using donor sperm due to male infertility) or adoption.  I've always been quite drawn to adoption but I'm also very worried about the kinds of issues we would be dealing with from an emotional and behavioural perspective.  I used to be a special needs teacher so my eyes are wide open on that front.  I've got no idea how my husband would cope with challenging behaviour as he has no experience of children although he's always wanted to be a dad. I just wondered how you guys came to your decision to adopt.  Half of me wants to try donor eggs but I just don't know if I can face any more treatment, drugs, two week waits, pregnancy fear etc...  We would prefer to adopt a younger child but as I'm 41, I don't know if I would be seen as too old.  Hubby is 38.


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi Magicpillow

First of all I'm so so sorry to hear of your missed miscarriage.  IVF is devastating when it doesn't work.

Apart from the donor sperm, your story is almost identical to mine.  We've had 3 IVF's so far, all failed (well one blighted ovum so effectively failed).  After our last failure our consultant told us that the quality of my eggs were so poor (I'm 37) that he didn't expect any better results with a 4th round so would seriously recommend donor eggs.  The cost & the fact that a child could find out when they were 18 who their "biological" mum was put me off. 

Like you we've also been to adoption meetings.  I'm not sure about you but whenever I've had a failed IVF, I want to lurch right into adoption and think yes this is the answer!!  We're almost guaranteed to be parents, no more heartache for us!!  And then a few months later reality sinks in.  I start reading lots of forums, and like you I start to really worry about the potential difficulties that an adopted child would bring.  I worry about how we would both cope, whether the stress of dealing with autism or ADHD would put a real pressure on our marriage.  Whilst we don't currently have the family life we yearn for, I worry we're so blinded by a desire for a family we'll actually end up making ourselves miserable dealing with a situation we can't cope with.

I realise this isn't really helping you with your answer but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this.  If I could give you a big hug I would. 

We've decided to go with a final round of IVF (we paid for 2 cycles together and would only get a fraction of it back so thought sod it).  After that I'm really not sure.  If it doesn't work I might lurch straight back into adoption, I may just say you know what, we did our best.

Sending you all the love and hugs in the world, I would suggest (from experience) just to take some time out for yourselves and not rush into any decisions just yet.  Give yourselves time to grieve.

xxxxx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thanks so much for your reply lovely, sorry it took me a while to respond.  I'm really sorry for your situation too.  I completely agree with everything you've said re the doubts and concerns. I've always been drawn to adoption, even when going through IVF and that's probably partly the strong maternal instinct but also I used to be a special needs teacher so worked with vulnerable children for 15 years.  Although I loved it, it also made me acutely aware of the challenges that go with having a child with autism or other disabilities.  We so want to be parents but I'm also worried after reading so many people's stories that we wouldn't cope with a child with additional needs.  Lots to think about and we don't make any kind of decision until we've processed this loss and had some time to heal.


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## Bubsy (Jan 10, 2015)

Hi 

I also feel like we have a similar situation. I have done 6 rounds of ivf and still no baby. We decided before the last attempt that it was definitely the last one and that adoption is our next route. We are not really feeling the donor route and I like you just feel drawn to adoption. I am quite worried about what may happen but I am lucky to have2 nephews that are adopted so I know that adoption can work out great. It is tough though. Hope you reach a decision soon.


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

We like you, had several failed treatments spanning years.  It had taken over our lives completely and we just had a realisation one day that it was a family we wanted and did it actually matter how we got there.  From that moment we have never looked back.  We adopted our son age 3 in 2014, he was non verbal and still in nappies and had a recent ASD diagnosis, he has astounded everyone with his progress and it is amazing how much a loving, stable family and a sense of belonging makes to each child.  He chatters away all day and is such a loving, happy little boy.  He is in mainstream school and doing so well, yes he has his struggles but what child doesn’t.  Best decision we ever made, good luck whatever you decide to do xx


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## bulmer (Sep 5, 2010)

My situation isn't quite the same - I had one round of IVF and made the decision not to try again.  The clinic said that despite my age (40) my egg quality was very good and they were very positive.  I made the decision that I didn't want to potentially put myself through years of treatment and disappointment. I was always very drawn to adoption. I now have 2 LO's, siblings, placed at age 1 and 3, five years ago (where has the time gone!) Adoption is hard at times and has its own challenges but I wouldn't change a thing about my girls (apart from maybe being a bit quieter at times) They have their own quirks but that is what makes them unique. The first few weeks were the biggest challenge as we adjusted to a noisy child centered house from our usual quiet home. You need certain qualities to adopt - patience, a sense of humour, the ability to think outside of the box and a thick skin at times (both for the kids and sometimes other adults comments) but it is so worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat and it was without doubt the best decision ever made xx


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## kayza27 (Feb 13, 2017)

Sorry didn't read through it all but seems as though we are all in a similar situation. I'm on my what I think is 5th failed cycle. We test tomorrow but doesn't seem hopeful. We started talking about fostering/adoption before this cycle but I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling. I thought you had to foster before adopt now??

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