# Failed IVF, 4 days in hospital, struggling to cope



## molly242 (Aug 2, 2008)

Dear All
This is my first post here on Fertility Friends so I'll give a bit of background before going into the details of our failed IVF. I'm 36, have been trying to conceive for 5 years and had a miscarriage (from a natural pregnancy) 3 years ago. In March 07 I was finally referred to St Marys for IVF (undiagnosed infertility on my side, DH all OK) and we started our first cycle in Feb 08. After 2 1/2 weeks of taking buserelin our cycle was stopped as I had a number of cysts on my ovaries. In order to try and reduce the cysts I was put on the contraceptive pil for 2 months (great!).This didn't work, but as the cysts didn't get any bigger we were allowed to start a new cycle.

I had to stop working in March this year as I suffer from depression and stress and found I just couldn't cope with a high pressured job and IVF. Fortunately when I was at a real low last year I decided to retrain, and I am just waiting to find out if I have passed my AOR reflexology exam which will hopefully give me a more rewarding and suitable career. (I took the exam when I was feeling really ill during this IVF cycle - I am convinced I have failed as I suffered from loss of concentration and memory lapses but that's another story and I can always resit in Nov). 

We ended up with 8 eggs, 3 fertilised but we only got one 6 cell "average grade" embie. I am only allowed one embie to be implanted at a time as I had a cone biopsy when I was 21 so I would not be able to carry twins to full term so I was delighted that we had one. 

My pregnancy test was due yesterday (7th Aug) but I already knew things had not worked. My AF started bang on time, and on Monday I had to call for an emergency ambulance as I had such severe pain in my abdomen. Turned out my blood pressure was also dangerously low and my pulse rate was also very slow.I have just been released from hospital after having been poked and prodded so many times that I don't really want anyone coming near me ever again! 

Fortunately (trying to look on the bright side of getting a BFN) it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, or OHSS, but the consultant hasn't really confirmed what the problem was. Theories include a twisted ovary, ruptured cysts, PID. I am on antibiotics and these seem to have relieved the physical pain.

I am devastated that after going through IVF all I have ended up with was a stay in hospital. I worry that the IVF drugs have really messed me up, and right now I just don't think I can face any more heartache. I guess if I had some kind of diagnosis as to what is wrong with me it might help. DH tells me to give it some time before I make any decisions, but it's so awful knowing that it's because of me that we may never have our own child. We have to wait a minimum of 3 months before we can request treatment again anyway, so I am now left with a complete void in my life. My previously successful career has ended, and I am so depressed some days I wonder whether I need to go back on antidepressants to help me get me through this but I know they only mask the underlying problem. (I used to be on antidepressants anyway but stopped taking them in order to try and become pregnant). 

I hope I can find some friends on here who I can talk to - I don't want to be this bitter person that cries all the time. I want to get back to the old me before I became obsessed with trying for a baby. It doesn't help that 3 friends have all recently had babies, and whilst I am happy for them I always end up wondering what DH and I have done to deserve such rotten luck in life. 

I know I should be happy that I have my health and the most wonderful DH I could wish for, but I just feel so completely lost as to what to do next. I need to start earning again but feel so fragile and lacking in confidence that the thought of trying to establish myself in a new career is terrifying, but I also feel like life has been on hold for far too long already.

Sorry this is such a long post - once I started typing it was hard to stop!

If anyone can offer me any advice I would be really grateful.

x


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## Stalyvegas (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Molly

i didnt want to read and run, I am not in your position and havent been anywhere close - but I just wanted to offer you a hug, and to know that you are understood      

The only thing I can say, and I know it must sound terribly condescending - I honestly dont mean it to be - but you need to love yourself, take care of yourself, and give yourself some time to recover from your experiences. You say that you have a wonderful DH, please please please look after this relationship - treasure it as you will be benefitting from his support and im sure he is benefitting from yours, even if you dont think so....

Take care of yourself
Rach
x


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey Molly

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I am sending lots of love and prayers your way.   

We had 1st cycle IVF and although it worked I later miscarried.  You have been through a traumatic time and I do empathise with your loss and despair. 

The only thing I can say to you is what helped me (eventually) and that was giving myself permission to grieve and be angry and disappointed and everything else that came with it.  In my experience it is also important to have some "couple" time and just be there for one another even if you don't talk about it.  I wanted to talk but DH couldn't at first and this made me think that he didn't care as much as me but I now realise that it was just his way of coping with it all.

With regard to the work situation I can appreciate where you are coming from.  I was a Commercial Conveyancing Paralegal with a prominent Law Firm but, after they had known about my waiting to have IVF for over a year they waited until the Friday before I actually started my first cycle to advise me that someone new would be starting with the firm to take over my position and I was now to be a legal secretary for two junior solicitors instead of working alongside one of the executive partners in the Firm.  Apparently this was for my own benefit as it would reduce stress (how they thought that when I would be working for 2 people I will never know) In my opinion it was because they thought I would need time off which, ironically, they caused in the end.  Not to mention the stress caused by the "demotion".  I understand how you feel about the work situation - it kind of feels like "Christ, no career and no children, what else have I got" but try to focus on the retraining you have done.  I am going back to college to retrain this year and try my best to see that as a positive.

If you need to talk then it's fantastic that you have found FF - the ladies here are fantastic and very understanding and like me are always willing to lend an ear so if you need to talk, rant or vent drop me a message!

It's very natural to feel that you can't face any more heartache and doubt whether or not you will carry on - I think most of the women on here have felt like that at some stage.  The main thing to remember here is don't pressure yourself into making a decision right now.  Wait until you are feeling stronger and then you will be able to make a decision about this one way or another.

I saw my GP as I was feeling so depressed but because we had decided to have FET at the earliest opportunity she advised against going on antidepressants but said I could come back if I decided to postpone treatment and wanted the antidepressants to help me cope.  She also advised that as far as she was aware, one or two of the types of antidepressants don't interfere with fertility drugs however, if I wanted to take them whilst undergoing my treatment I would have to be referred to a psychologist as they are the only ones who can prescribe antidepressants whilst you are undergoing treatment.  We are very lucky to feel strong enough 3 months down the line to have the FET but I would say that you should take time to look after yourself - you have to wait at least 3 months before you can have any more treatment but it doesn't mean that you HAVE to start it then.  Try to see it as they are ready when you are!

Your feelings about your friends having children are normal too - I am always happy for people when I find out they are pregnant but I am the first to admit that I do get jealous and wonder why it's them and not us!  I just gave myself permission to say no to things like christenings and birthday parties etc until I felt stronger and able enough to face a newborn baby.  A card or gift will suffice and if I feel that it is necessary I explain to the person that it's not a selfish act and that I would love to be there etc however, it's about self preservation and I am not strong enough at the moment.  Basically, I got fed up trying to make everyone else feel better and keeping up a facade - I had to look after me.

Sending much love and prayers your way.

Cherriepie

xxxxxxx


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## molly242 (Aug 2, 2008)

Thanks so much for your replies. As I am such a newbie I have sent you personal messages back : )

Finding FF very helpful - it is comforting to know I am not alone, and that there are plenty of other women out there who have found ways to deal with these difficult and very stressful problems. I am going to try to avoid antidepressants and seek some counselling as a first step. I think I need to distract myself from IVF for a while, take a break from it all and try and rebuild some semblance of normality in my life. Oh, and keep away from my friend's new borns...I keep reminding myself I am lucky to be out of hospital and back at home as I was in a very bad way on Monday.

DH and I are going to take a sunny holiday to help us recover - just take some time to get away from it all. I returned a huge bag of IVF paraphenalia (needles, drugs, the gorgeous free bags you get) to the hospital so that all the reminders of injections etc are gone. 

Anyway, less moaning from me - I send everyone who needs it love and hugs, and the strength to keep hoping.
M
xx


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## Ruthee (Aug 3, 2008)

Dear Molly,
I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. I have been through a similar thing (although granted not as bad as yours). I am 39 and we have been TTC for 4 years now. Finally got a referral for IVF but have found that in those years waiting my eggs have deteriorated- so now have FF as well when I didn't before we were made to wait for the referral :-(
We had to have ICSI and the meds really gave me terrible side-effects and I had continual migraines and vomiting for about 2 weeks. I was so scared they were going to cancel the treatment. In the end I got through it but only produced 3 eggs of which only 1 could be used. This deteriorated overnight and so I didn't even get as far as implantation.
I have had to 'duck and dive' at work to prevent drawing attention to why I was disappearing to appointments and the clinic is 2 hours away from where I work. Work is very stressful and we are going through lots of changes and I am under huge pressure both from my managers to push the staff to make the changes and my team who all seem to blaming me for all the changes. I am so close to walking out and not going back. I can't though because I have a mortgage dependant on my salary.
I am now waiting to see if I get any more funding for treatment. If not it's private. DH and I don't have any real spare money at all and were hoping to increase the mortgage to pay for more ICSI. Then the housing market has crashed and it looks like we won't be able to get that after all.
Then 3 of my colleagues got pregnant and I was so jealous, it was unreal. I could barely speak. Then 2 miscarried at the same time and I felt awful for being so jealous.
I know people say we should look after ourselves but I am just cracking up. I don't know how to at this moment in time. I just can't bear the thought of a life without children. Yes- I have a career but this feels like very cold comfort because I would swap it for children any time. I know people are trying to be nice and they say things like: 'I know someone who's IVF failed and then they got pregnant naturally.' I know they are trying to be nice but this just makes me want to scream because there is no way on earth that is going to happen with me and DH due to the problems and it just feels like they don't understand the gravity of it all. I'd rather they didn't say anything at all.
Right now all I seem to do is scan these websites for statistics and hope that a prayer gets answered.
Sorry to be so miserable. I won't try to make you feel better because I can't but I did want you to know that you are not alone.
Thinking of you,
Ruthee


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## AllyD (Dec 12, 2007)

Molly and Ruthee,
I have been feeling the same as you both since our last BFN in June. It feels like being lost somewhere and not knowing how to get back where you should be. I joined a gym the day after as I felt the need to be doing something positive, hoping to lose some weight whcih may at least help future chances. The follow up appointment has taken ages to come around so finding it very hard  having no plan of what will happen and at a loss now there are no drugs and appointments which previously seemed to be 'my life'. 
I know after all the other BFN's it has taken a few months to get back to some sort of normal feeling, but it does get better slowly. 
Take care of yourselves too and don't feel bad for feeling bad sometimes, we have a right to feel hurt and sad as much as others have the right to feel happy about their pg & babies. 
I have also taken the opportunity to have a few drinks and the forbidden caffeine loaded coke, every little helps.
Try and do something nice this weekend, if only a walk r meal out with your DH,
                                                                                                            Ally


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## molly242 (Aug 2, 2008)

Hi Ally

Thanks for your reply. It's starting to amaze me how many people are in the same or similiar boats and how people can type something and I think "wow I could have written that!". It's helping me having a rant on here - I hope that I will be able to turn my experiences into a positive eventually, if I can help just one other person feel even a bit better then that will be a good thing.

Joining a gym sounds like a great idea. When our IVF cycle ended abruptly in Feb I decided I needed to lose weight and joined weight watchers. I have lost 1 1/2 stone so far, even whilst I have been at home and doing IVF. If I look back at this year that's the one thing I'm really proud of - it's something I can actually control and get positive results from which has helped me no end. It is hard going to Weight Watchers amongst the young mums, but I try to ignore them. It made me feel like I was doing everything I can to give IVF a chance. DH gave up smoking over a year ago, so it felt like the right thing to do. It took me ages to decide to do it though, but I just woke up one day and said enoughs enough. 

When I am feeling better (still very tender and on antibiotics) I intend to get back on my Wii Fit. Exercise releases endorphins so it helps us feel better - deciding to go is the hardest step so good luck with that!

I'm trying to take it easy without feeling guilty - I've never watched so much TV in my life, but it definitely helps to switch off my mind. (And I usually fall asleep!).

Let me know how you are getting on,

Take care

Joanne
xxxx


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## tinaraff (May 30, 2008)

Sorry to hear everything you are going through.

I have just gone through IVF after ttc for 8 years, I'm nearly 39. One lot of IVF was cancelled 3 years ago because I was diagnosed with ME, but recovered well enough to go through treatment in April. Unfortunately I reacted quite badly to the drugs and had mild OHSS which they were able to control and it didn't get any worse. But i had an early MC and no blastocysts to put back.

I had a meeting with my consultant a couple of weeks ago and he was very good saying you need time to grieve and don't worry about making a decision on having another cycle or not having a cycle of IVF. Which helped me a lot and took the pressure off me.

I have a very good reflexologist who is also a counsellor and she has really helped me talk things through, have you got a counsellor linked to your clinic? It may help.

I know how hard it is to be surrounded by babies too and my sister is expecting and due two weeks before I would have been. Life sure does suck sometimes doesn't it. 

We have made the difficult decision that we are not having another cycle of IVF due to how I reacted to the treatment and worrying that it my cause my ME to flare up again, and to be quite honest I don't think I could cope with the stress and my job again. We are trying Clomid for 6 months and then thats it. Just me and my husband and adoption if we feel its right for us.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that the emotions you are going through do get easier (I have stopped crying at random moments when I least expected it!).

I'm sending you some happiness and luck. I hope your dreams come true. 

Tinaxx


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