# big decision



## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but....

we have 3 gorgeous LO's who every day I thank my lucky stars for.

I nearly died while pg with dd1 (SEVERE ohss, then prem labour at 29 weeks that was stopped, followed by 2 major seizures at 30 weeks, leaving my dh thinking I was dead ) and was frowned upon by many for trying again with FET for dd2.

Trouble is, my maternal urge was pestering me!!   And.....it is again!!!!

The biggest prob this time is we'd have to go through a complete cycle if we tried again and that's the risk. DH says its up to me but its such a difficult one. My heart says how can I ever not want another baby as they're my life, but my head says that my babies are better having their mum healthy than another sibling.

Its soooo hard.

It was compounded today by a call from my clinic reminding me that the renewal was up for continued storage of dh's sperm. Of course we will renew it but it just brings it all back to the surface and.....well....it.hurts!


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

Oh Mae, big hugs to you   as I do kind of know where you are coming from. Can you talk to your consultant about future risks for YOU as opposed to a general risk ratio? Surely if you have had issues before then they would keep a closer eye on you to ensure you don't have the same problems again?

Personally I think that if you have even the slightest feeling that you'd like to try again then you have to look into it at the very least. How awful would it be to get to post-menopause and think "I wish I'd at least asked the questions" - I would hope that if the consultant felt the risk to you was too great then he/she would tell you.

Chux xx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Aw thanks Chux 

Yep, we asked all those questions last time with the FET and were reassured hence going ahead and producing our gorgeous dd2.

However this time it would have to be a full cycle and then the drugs would be a HUGE factor as thats seemingly the cause last time. I never really got over the OHSS, which obviously messes up your body fluids and my now diagnosed epilepsy is caused by irregular body fluids 

My reckoning is if I ask for support and advice from consultant and go with the minimum drug dose as to lower the risk of OHSS. Im also 5 years older than the last full cycle 

Im totally with you on the getting to menopause and it being too late. Trouble is I wonder if Ill ever really feel that enough is enough. I adore my LO's, as we all do, and can never imagine saying I dont want anymore.

Do you think when us girls really feel we have had enough, our brains tell us to stop? 

Thanks again Hun...oh and anymore for you?? COme on..the 23rd gang could do it together again!!!!


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

I have metformin already to go once I stop BF'ing so I guess that answers that question!

Did you ever have an 'ideal' in your head as to how many children you wanted/saw yourself with?? I know I did before IF came along and screwed with my plans, but I really do pray that there comes a point where I feel my family is complete. Having spoken to a few others (on here and IRL) I get the impression that the "awwwww, I'd love another" never actually goes away, just it moves to "I'd love another but not really" kind of thing.................at least I hope that's what happens as I have younger sisters who are likely to be 'breeding' once I've come out the other side of the menopause!

I think there's nothing worse than wondering "what if". A very good friend of mine always says better to regret what you have done that what you haven't, and I think that, as long as you take every precaution possible with regards your health and follow your consultants advice, then even if it came to nothing at least you'd know you had tried.

So when will you go again, assuming that you decide to? Is dh with you on it, albeit worrying about your health?

Chux xx


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Ladies, can I just say you are huge inspration to me.  I have always wanted a large family 4 or more and due to my issues have been made to feel bad for wanting even a second now that I have my beautiful girl.  You make me realise that I should stop feeling guilty, it's okay to want more. Thank you for making it okay.  

Karin

xxx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Aw hun  why should you be made to feel guilty? I always ask myself if there were no fertility issue then how many babies would I love to have...the answer has always been 4. Im one of four and so is dh.

You really should never feel guilty for any feelings you have hun. Its supposed to be a natural process and for some of us that has been made more tricky. However the process happens, our feelings for wanting and needing dont change. 

Ooooo Chux...ready to go then hey? How long are you planning to bf? My aim was one year but now I have to say, I will keep going through the winter due to dd's chest problems in the hope it will help her immune slightly. (not sure if it will though as she's a whopper!! )
Well, Id like to go again next year. DH says if we do go for it again then we should go while the others are little so we stay in the 'cant sleep, wont sleep zone' and dont get used to sleeping again!!  Id like to have given up bf for about 6 months and try to gain optimum health before going through treatment again. With my last cycle, I went on a bit of a health campaign. (apart from the glass of red each night  )

Well....for now Ive decided to totally enjoy my gorgeous LO's each and every day but to think ahead to the future as a new challenge.


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

*Karin* - Thank you so much for your post and I have to say I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I have been pondering the guilt feelings on and off for a while now and it is hard when you read of so many still struggling to have their first miracle, but we are still human. I had always planned four children and IF didn't change that.

*Mae* - I am one of six but can honestly say I've never wanted that many............thank goodness eh, considering how long ds1 took and also that I have been forced to have sections!! I planned to BF for 4 months which then became 6, then I got to 9 so I thought heck, why not go for the year and skip formula altogether. The trouble is I am now ready to stop but ds2 isn't interested in drinking cows milk at all so I'm not sure what to do. I agree with your dh and think that if you're gonna do it you may as well do so before you start getting your life back IYSWIM. I will start taking the met as soon as I stop BF'ing but hope to shift some lb's first, plus my thyroid level isn't stable at the moment so I need to get that under control........see you on the tri boards next year eh.   

Chux xx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

OOooooo chux......I so would love that to be true 
The whole process scares me but excites me too. 
Big problem....funding another cycle!!!!  Mind you, house is on the market at the mo, so Ive already bagged some of the equity for another cycle 

Tell me.....when do we stop?? That's dh's querie about it all. At what point do we say enough is enough? 

Karin - I feel sooooooooooooooo guilty and almost ashamed to admit that I long for another  I to know we are unbelievably lucky and almost feel that we are being rediculous to expect it to work again.

OMG...this IF is such pants, isnt it!!

oh...Ive even been looking into fostering. Just feel I have MORE love to give another LO


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

ooooo Mae, I so so relate.  I am currently over the moon to be 15wk pg with my second (this is my 4th pg, but 2 m/c), I so do not want this to be the last time.  I do feel guilty to feel like this as we are so lucky to have 1 never mind 2, but I would love a large family.  I do not post as frequently anymore as I feel like a fraud being given this miracle x2!!  I love being pg, I love being a mummy and not sure I will ever feel enough is enough, think age and or IF will be the deciding factor in that.  mmmmmmm I would love 4-5 children      .  Dh is one of 7, not going that mad nor am I quite that fertile, nor do I have that much time, but think he will keep  going till we cannot have anymore.

good luck what you decide

chux, will be keeping an eye on you lady!! 

hi Karin...long time no "speak"

strawbs xx


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Thanks again ladies for making me feel "normal"  I really want to have more although I know time is now slipping away from me... but where there's a will there's a way I guess. 

*Strawbs* Fab to "see" you!!! Bet that bump is coming on a treat... wow one of seven... bet F has a few cousins then 

*Mae* I have everything crossed for you , you have hit the nail on the head (very politely! ) with IF being pants. It's amazing how it can change how we view what for a lot of others is a normal process where they don't have to justify how big or small their families are.

*Chux* That is ultimately how I feel I always wanted four children and IF didn't change that want or need in me... it's others (family ) that think I should be "satisfied" with Emma  I ADORE Emma but no-one else gets questions about their love for their other children when they already have one so why should I?? Anyway good luck for next year... you never know I may see you on the tri boards yet!!   

Karin

xxx


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## ~ S ~ (Oct 27, 2003)

Interesting thread  

For the whole of ds3's first 12m I was immensely broody but literally as he turned one everything changed and I know now that I am finished, def no more for me. BUT, I still find myself day dreaming about being pg, giving birth, bf etc etc but then I do get a sudden reality check that no way do I want anymore. I've been extremely blessed and boy do I know it! I really don't think those kinds of feelings go away, or certainly when you still have very little ones.

My issue, although never posted as worried about being insensitive as already have 3, is that dh wants more   He goes on and on about it   He did stop for a little while but last night, yet again he asks. We don't argue about it or anything but I know he'd love another. Quite often read posts where it's the mum who wants more and the husbands aren't so keen but never really read anything when it's this way around   When it's the mum who wants more the poor dh normally gives in and they ttc but this way round it just seems different somehow.....am I being unfair to dh by not agreeing to try again as I am sure if it was the other way round he'd give in? The whole idea of another baby/child terrifies me, plus the risk of twins as i'd need met & clomid  

I know Chux will say yes as she and another FF have a bet on that i'll be pg again by Christmas  ;

S xx


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

LOL *~ S ~ *...............you'll try again, I just know it.   As to dh/dp's wanting more rather than the mum's, I have read of a couple on here but can't for the life of me remember who. 

Chux xx


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## Purpleal (Aug 26, 2004)

Thank you so much for posting Mae and making me feel like I am not alone.
I have always wanted a big family and when I found out I needed IVF I was devastated. My first angel Tayla was born and we moved to Australia from London when she was 3 weeks old. I subsequently have had my 2nd daughter and my little boy - both somehow came along naturally. For some reason, I feel like there is a piece missing from the family and would like to have 1 final child. My husband is against the idea and berates me for even considering wanting another - he says that once we thought we couldnt even have 1, now we have 3 and I should be grateful for what I have. When he asks me why, I can't even articulate properly why I do, I just do.  A part of the reason is that we are here with no family - no grandparents, my kids have no cousins, aunties or uncles. I want them to have a sense of family and I want us to have family around in our later years too.
I am SO grateful and feel entirely blessed with my angels - they are my world and somehow that makes me even more broody as I know what is in store.
I am sorry if anyone reads this and thinks I am greedy  but this is something that has been going on in my head and I don't have anyone to talk to about this as I am sure they would have the same response as my husband. I have thought about posting previously but didnt want to offend anyone and then I saw your post Mae and I just had to put it down on paper so to speak.

Thank you so much ladies
x


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Ooooooo S....my moneys with Chux!!!!    

I have to say that Im with you on the pg envy and the fact Id LOVE to give birth again!!!!  But at the same time I remind myself how [email protected]@dy lucky I am in the first place to have experienced that 3 times and have 3 amazing babies to show for it. 

Purpleal - Aw Hun   Dont think you have noone to talk to, you ca come on here anytime or PM anytime too  Ic an completely understand why you feel the way you do about needing family etc. AND i see where you are coming from about now you know how wonderful they are, this is what makes you feel even more broody. I dont know what to say really to help I just want you to know you are not alone at all 
Is it likely your dh will come round to the idea of another? Will you try naturally? Or is it the idea of treatment that puts him off? Oh and completely off on another tangent......We've been toying with the idea for ages about taking the plunge and moving to OZ. Where are you living? 

Strawbs - O h Massive congrats on your BFP.  Wow, your dh is one of 7!!  How does he see the size of your family being? 

My dh really is of an open mind which I guess is great and Im very lucky. I think alot of that is the fact he's always carried a huge guilt on his shoulders about our IF. I cannot tell him enough that he's not to blame and that its happened to make us better people etc, he still feels that he wants me to have the ultimate control over it as a kind of cushion for it all. I just feel that its SUCH a huge decision. Not for having another child in our lives...corr Id not doubt that for a second...its the risk of treatment and pregnancy to my health. (ive probably just made no sense whatsoever!! )

I sometimes read on this site the awful awful things that ladies go through etc and feel sooooooooo sooooooooooo guilty for how I feel about wanting more. Everyone Ive cagely mentioned it too ie family and close friends think Im completely barmy to want more. They really cant see it. 

Am I being silly to think about this seriously?? 

Im not sure that all these feelings are a fear of shutting a door onto my womb if that makes sense. To come to terms with the fact I will never have another baby, to experience all those feelings....Im too scared to know its the end of the road. We will never be able to have a natural miracle..its impossible. I wish each and every day that it would happen that way.

Well, sorry girls..rambled on and on. Both my little girls are in bed sound asleep and ds is engrossed in homework. Waiting for dh to arrive home with a take away....yummy!!!!


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

This is a great thread!!  S and chux..... watch this space!!

My DH would have as many as we could, he would like 4-5 ideally, def not 7.  His mum is one of 7 and his nana was one of 7 (Irish catholics     )  I have however at this moment set a time limit of age 38-39, that may change as things in life do.  see how I cope with 2!!

It is actually crazy that any of us feel guilty, wanting children is a natuarl instinct in most women.

strawbs xx


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Agree on the natural instinct thing strawbs. It feels the best and most natural thing ive ever done (natural despite ICSI!! ) To me its not a case of big career etc that floats my boat, its totally about having a family surrounding me.


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

I have a very successful business, nice house and lovely life, but being a mummy is simply the best thing that has ever happened to me, I love it!!

strawbs xx


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Definitley agree, being a Mummy is all I have ever wanted.  

xxx


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

Same here..........the last 4.5 years have just been the BEST I've ever had........the most stressful and hard too, but also the most rewarding and fun. I even love the school run and feel that I'm finally living, how sad is that??!! I absolutely hate the thought that one day it'll all end. 

Chux xx


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