# Sticky  Insensitive Stories/IVF Clangers... does anyone have a winner?



## holiday_girl

Making the best of bad situations...

I was swapping treatment stories with a fellow IVF friend recently when we got on to the subject of stories people have told us when we have confided about what we were going through that they think are helful but which are acctually stretching the boundaries of insensitivity to a whole new level. In those moments I have often felt that if I don't laugh to myself I'll cry and I wondered if anyone else had a story they would like to share from the confused world of supportive friends who just don't get what we're going through? Hopefully laughing together will help us be better equipt for the clangers of the future!

My insensitive tale is this; I had to tell one of the work managers that I was having IVF treatment and would need to not be in work for a week or two during treatment. She was fine about this and really supportive, then decided to share this little gem; her friend went through 10 failed cycles of IVF, she was later diagnosed with cancer and sadly passed away. My manager said she and her friends all feel that this was due to the repeated IVF medication and the effect this had on her body. Needless to say- I was speechless!

Please join in if you have an insensitive story of IVF clanger to share.

MrsB x


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## frater

Reading this has just made me laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing.  X


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## Ivfmamma

Always use to annoy me people telling me of X & X having ivf several times but it not working then they fell pregnant naturally, well good for them, but I have no tubes so that's not going to happen for me !!!! 

I use to just say don't mean to sound jealous or in anyway horrible & good on them! its just not a story I want to hear while going through treatment myself, as if mine didnt happen to work I'd be fcuked do you understand !! lol Xx


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## Ivfmamma

I see you have no tubes too mrs b, you've probably heard & thought the same!! X


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## Daisy-Chain

Same as ivfmamma but my response the opposite way around.  Good for them, we have zero sperm getting through whatsoever and never will have even one get through so fantastic they got a natural BFP but I won't so not really all that interested! 

Every single fertile person I speak to about IVF, I absolutely ALWAYS get that same thing.  I know so and so who had so many cycles and then a natural pregnancy.  Or I know so and so who gave up after so many IVFs, adopted and then guess what.......oh go on, surprise me because I can't guess what is coming next  

And for me, I'm the one who has no known problems, yet people very close to me have said (more than once), I would carry a baby for you, I would donate my eggs for you.      While this might seem a nice gesture, I have told them soooooo many times we have male factor and how desperate I am for the whole pregnancy and giving birth experience as well as being a mum forever! 


Oh I could go on......... Haha!


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## holiday_girl

Ivfmamma, if I had a tube for every time someone told me the same I'd have more than enough for all of us! Even my first meeting with my midwife, after I'd told her about our treatment etc she said 'I already know I'm going to have to talk to you about contraception after your birth' as if her thinking we're a nice couple is enough to make natural conception happen! She seemed really disappointed when I pointed out (again) that it's a physical impossibility!

Argh!!

Daisy-Chain I know friends have fallen out over an insensitive offer of loaner womb or eggs. People are quite stupid some times! How many times must you have been told to just relax and  it'll happen?! I uesd to say that was rubbish and it was time to get some science on the situation!


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## Daisy-Chain

Oh yes definitely had the relax and it will happen and the it will happen when you least expect it.  Ok so the only way I will be pregnant is through treatment so to be honest, if I ever get a BFP at OTD, that weren't because I least expected it.  It's because I knew to the day when it could happen, it was no surprise!  One day you will grow a brain cell, when you least expect it  

Then there is the be thankful, at least you can have......a lie in, adult only holiday, night out without worrying about babysitter, full night sleep, hangover without having a nappy to change and make you sick....etc etc!  I'd be more than happy to give up every single one and so much more to be a mum but thanks for trying to compare motherhood with having a lie in, I will give myself an extra half hour tomorrow just to make sure I am thankful for that!


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## Daisy-Chain

As for your midwife


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## Ivfmamma

Mrs b - my midwife asked me what contraception we had been using, even though she knew we were tubeless & ivf  

Are they just thick?! oh yes ive been on the pill & using condoms too & just to be extra vigilant I've been & got the implant put in - thought I'd extra guard myself from the 0% chance of conception I've got.. lmao! 

A woman asked me in the chemist before we had ivf, when I bought a bottle of cough medicine, if I was pregnant or breast feeding? I said no, she then asked me if I was sure. 

Yes I'm ****** sure would you like to see my operation scars were my tubes were whipped out!!!!!

God it winds me up! lol x


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## Ivfmamma

Hey daisy-chain, I get all the least you can have lie ins & peace & quiet etc..! 

always comes from people I don't know or hardly know, then when they've had the rath of my tongue they know never to make a similar comment again, can't stand people saying all that, they obviously never tried 10 years for a baby have they grrr! 
Xx


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## MandyPandy

There is another really good thread on this topic called: 'The Things People Say'  I'll see if I can find a link to it as there are some serious clangers on there too.


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## Ivfmamma

Haha Mandy pandy I'm guilty as charged for already posting on there multiple times, I'm awful! ha xx


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## Maisyz

My personal favourite after consultant told me I wouldn't be able to conceive without IVF which upset me just a tad, was the nurse who said I should be grateful, at least I didn't have cancer (somethign I'd been investigated for before).


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## Bumble Bus

One from my best friend who is a doctor and also pregnant (obviously!)...

I told her that we had new information which was that I have a low AMH and antral follicle count - reducing my IVF success rate per cycle from about 50% to about 25%.  She said "well that's ok, that's the same as if you're trying naturally each month".

Yes except a) we have not been trying naturally for over a year since we found out my husband had no sperm and we will not have a biological child together and b) trying naturally for one month is not exactly the same as pumping yourself full of hormones and spending about £7k for the privilege.

She is lucky she is so dear to me or I would have been forced to unleash on her.

x


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## Lollie2501

When we told my MIL we had no chance of conceiving naturally my OH has azoospermia she replied 'I still don't think you should worry as I know it'll happen naturally!'.................Erm pardon me but what part of no sperm do you not understand lol? She still is convinced we will get pregnant naturally!?! So is my best friend! Crazy


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## LucieLu

I see a few people have heard the story about people getting pregnant naturally, well I always hear 'I know X amount of people who had IVF and got pregnant first time' Well good for them but stop trying to get my hopes up, I know this doesn't happen to everyone! And other one is 'So and so had twins with IVF' then they give you the look to say you don't want that... F off! 

Also, when I told my boss that I had calculated my 2ww (I want to book the 2 weeks off work) would be when we have our annual stock take at work where everyone has to be there, his reply was 'maybe have a word and see if you can put it back' YEAH RIGHT!!


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## Chandlerino

Yes I have had the relax lecture and it will happen...
Also your cycle failed due to bad luck (actual letter from clinic consultant). Very scientific, not!
And not forgetting you have your dd, just be grateful for that.
And there must have been something wrong for you to miscarry and I know someone who got pregnant straight away.....
And well I got pregnant straight away using opks, have you used them - of course I have you donk I've been trying for six plus years ...... Probably could have paid for IVF a few times over with the amount I've spent on them.....
And when I miscarried at nearly 13 weeks - oh well it wasn't really a baby I don't know why you can't just get over it......

Is it any wonder that I am a basket case!

Argh some people!


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## ArmyWife

"I'd be more than happy to give up every single one and so much more to be a mum but thanks for trying to compare motherhood with having a lie in, I will give myself an extra half hour tomorrow just to make sure I am thankful for that!"  Daisy-chain, that made me laugh!! 

After my recent failed IVF, a couple of people have said to us - "Well don't worry. You've got another two goes at it"...referring to it being available on the NHS, which in my case it is not - we are self-funding, but regardless of whether we did have another two 'free' goes, why don't they realise that a failed cycle is still incredibly painful?  

I have reached the conclusion that fertile people can be incredibly stupid!


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## Ivfmamma

Army wife -  I hate fertile people, & did I mention I hate fertile people?   x


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## ArmyWife

AMEN ivfmamma


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## irishflower

It took me 5 years to be able to tell friends/family that we had unexplained infertility and were heading down the IVF route.  Whilst overall I'm glad I did it as I did get some excellent support, still had the odd clanger here and there!  Like on the night I told my mother "have you tried to put your legs in the air after"??!!!!! Oh yes, THAT's exactly what I've been doing wrong all these years!  Jeez, if only I'd known my problems could have been solved so easily  !

Or my sister who happened to text me and ask how I was on a day where I felt particularly rotten during our treatment cycle.  When I told her I was feeling awful, sick and sore, I got the "at least you're not really ill" response.  Needless to say after my response about the emotional and physical toll of years of infertility and IVF she got the message


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## bambibaby12

Oh girls... I love love love this thread... Some people really must be thick. Mrsb - actually am gob smacked my your story!!

I've had all the same from my 2 friends who fell naturally... It will happen.., stop stressing about it and it will happen  
My aunt who knows said she doesn't know who I get it from cos she and my mum are ok so I must get it from my dads side (my dad whom I've never met)  

I don't think we'd get through this journey if it wasn't for this forum and the ladies on here xx


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## MandyPandy

My 'problem' (if you can call it that), is that throughout all the years TTC, going through IF tx, etc., everyone kept saying to me: 'Just relax!  It will happen!' and 'You need to stop trying and it will happen' and 'You need to get drunk and it will happen' and 'I know so and so who got pregnant naturally after X years of treatment!' (which ALWAYS used to wind me up as I couldn't see how on earth that could possibly relate to me) etc., etc.

Anyway, we stopped ttc in September 2012.  I put my hands up in defeat and said 'enough is enough!' and we gave up on it all - stopped ttc completely and just dtd for fun.  In February 2013, DH and I went out and got rip roaring drunk for our anniversary.  Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant naturally.  Now cue all the: 'I TOLD you it would happen!  TOLD you you just needed to relax and get drunk!' comments.  

So I'm sorry to tell you ladies but you can't win either way!

(and yep, I am aware that I would rather people saying 'I told you so' to me, than having to endure repeated inane comments as above - but I just thought it was a funny one to add to the list  )


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## holiday_girl

Congratulations Mandypandy! There's always one exception to the rule, so teeth-gritting through all the moronic comments can help you get pregnant after all?!


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## duckybun

Hey ladies,

I have a friend who I supported years ago when her and her dh were having trouble conceiving, it took them the sum total of a whole 6 months, by which stage she was crying in the pub and all sorts.... Anyway when it came to us I finally confided in her last year about our difficulties, at that stage we'd been trying for 3 years and I'd had 2 surgeries for endo. I told her we were about to start an ivf cycle and I kid you not she said, oh great so when will your due date be? WTF? when I asked her what she meant she explained what she knew loads of people who'd had ivf and it always worked... I had to explain in the nicest possible way that while people may be happy to discuss their successful ivf in retrospect not many people will necessarily discuss all this failed attempts and that by no means was a baby a guaranteed outcome..... She actually argued with me even when I told her that on average it takes 3 cycles for a couple to conceive and told her want the success rates were per cycle at our clinic at the time. Why do people think that it's as easy as 'just having ivf'? She obviously hadn't been so distraught when she was trying to actually research any assisted reproductive therapies otherwise she would have known better...

Incidentally after I'd had my endo diagnosed and had 2 surgeries she confided in me one day that before the surgeries she'd always thought I exaggerated how much my periods affected my quality of life, but now believed me........ Ummm thanks! AND she only believed me partly because she had surgery last year for which she was anaemic afterwards and when she told me her blood levels and I explained that yes I did know how it felt because my iron was ALWAYS at that level did she start to believe me about how anaemia from my horrendous periods can drain your energy.....


Rant over!


X
D


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## sarahsuperdork

Loving these stories!

Most people I know assume I'm having IVF treatment because I'm gay and are really thinking about IUI when I say 'treatment'. So much so that I had to describe (in excruciating detail) long protocol to a colleague just to drum in that I'm not going to just have a baby put in there and oh look, pregnant! Needless to say, she stopped going on about it from the point at which I told her about having an internal scan when AF arrives.

Using a donor also means I'm getting a lot of 'daddy' comments... my sister-in-law reckons she's going to get us a 'who's the daddy' vest when our baby is born.


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## Keeping busy

Sometimes you have to laugh or you would cry. When I went to my GP during my third M/C, bearing in mind she knew I had already had 8 rounds of fertility treatment and was miscarrying for the third time she said I should have VIP status at the EPU. Then that same day, the EPU nurse, who is also a fertility nurse and did all my IUI's and knows we have a balanced translocation said, "after all this, imagine if you got pregnant naturally, then you would think what is all the fuss about", really two medical professionals and those are the gems they come out with!
xxx


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## Ivfmamma

I'm pleased you posted keeping busy as I wondered how you were, I deleted your old pm when I was clearing my inbox out, totally forgot you had your diary on here so could of checked how you were on there   xx


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## MandyPandy

Keeping busy said:


> Sometimes you have to laugh or you would cry. When I went to my GP during my third M/C, bearing in mind she knew I had already had 8 rounds of fertility treatment and was miscarrying for the third time she said I should have VIP status at the EPU. Then that same day, the EPU nurse, who is also a fertility nurse and did all my IUI's and knows we have a balanced translocation said, "after all this, imagine if you got pregnant naturally, then you would think what is all the fuss about", really two medical professionals and those are the gems they come out with!
> xxx


I was quite desperate last year and went to see someone while I was at home in Perth (Western Australia). I thought a different outlook couldn't hurt things. He listened to everything I said, didn't understand half of it, then told me I needed to relax and pray and the universe would provide!!! WTF? He then charged me $300 for the privilege! It certainly was an alternative outlook but not one I was altogether happy with.


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## Keeping busy

Ivfmama, I'm surviving, lots of bad days with the odd ok one thrown in. Just need to get through June, as today/tomorrow should have been the due date for my November Miscarriage, that and another M/C on top is making it tough but I'll survive. 

Mandypandy, that is seriously ridiculous. At least I got the words of wisdom free on the NHS!


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## star17

I can't believe what people say!  It is amazing.

One of my bosses at work and I were out for lunch and I told him that we needed to have ivf and we were just about to have our first cycle.  His response was 'congratulations' !!!! I wasn't quite sure what to say, so said...errr thanks?!?  I really like him, but very odd thing to say.  It still makes me laugh as totally wierd.

I have also had the 'one of my friends had ivf and then got preggers naturally' more than once......and 'it happens when you least expect it'. The last one I am sure I also had in my single days about meeting a man!!

I struggle with a couple of people at work who know, yet that didn't stop them confiding in me that they were so excited to be pregnant (pick someone else to tell!).  The worst one wasa girl who works for me telling me she understood how hard it was when it didn't work (it took her 2 months- yes you read that right!).

Hopefully it will help me be more understanding towards other people!


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## Owlgirl

I am covering my face in horror whilst reading some of these stories. One of my loveliest friends recently had her first baby naturally at 44 after years of trying, 2 x miscarriages etc etc and her GP said to her "Why did you leave it so late?" Like she had a choice?!? FFS!


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## Trumpet

After a rough day during my 2ww this thread has massively cheered me up.  Can't stop giggling!  I do think people mean well but they open their mouths before engaging their brain far too often! I have had so many of the same comments as everyone else on here so I won't repeat the similar ones!  

However, others I have had include, "well now you know something is wrong with you and you are having IVF at least you don't have to pee on those sticks anymore".  Gee that is a bonus - I will just spend half my life in stirrups, pump myself with drugs and put myself through emotional and physical torture each month and pay thousands of pounds for the privilege instead.
My Mother in Law who can't bring herself to utter the words IVF pleaded with us to not try anything too "experimental" - what like we are going to create some kind of half human/half cat baby or something!

Another was "well if it doesn't work at least you tried your best"

Also people don't seem to get that you can't just make arrangements to do stuff when you are on a cycle.  They don't get you are having scans and blood tests every other day and feel physically and emotionally $hite!  I have said to people "I am having my eggs collected that day" and they then say "oh ok shall we meet for dinner in the evening then".  I have had requests of "when are you going to come and visit us" because they couldn't possible visit us as they have children which means they can't travel more than 50 metres away from their house but as we are childless surely we have all the time and money in the World to spend our life in between clinic visits travelling round the country to visit relatives and friends.

Night Night Ladies and keep the horror comments coming!

Trumpet xxx


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## Trumpet

Ps MandyPandy, congrats on your BFP!  Bloody brilliant x


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## Trumpet

Pps IVFMamma - congrats to you to on your BFP! Nice to see more good news. X


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## Dandanxx

These have really made me lol !!

A friend of mine likes to broadcast the fact that she "falls like (click fingers) that!".... Granted she is on her 3rd pregnancy, but doubt they have only ever had sex three times!!! This same friend offered to loan me her womb should I need it   - not my most sensitive friend


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## ArmyWife

My best one - said to us by our original fertility specialist - "Don't you think it's time to give up the dream?"

I was SO shocked, that I didn't have a comeback....until I was in the car on the way home and then I thought of loads of things I could've said! 

Needless to say, I asked for a referral to a different consultant.


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## holiday_girl

Trumpet, still laughing at the 'experimental' comment, the mind truly boggles! X 

Also loving the bfps, mine came when I just relaxed and let it happen (and by 'it' I mean ivf!)


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## ShellyBabyH

I have had some classic ones over the years, probably the most memorable was when my MIL told me I should use my husband's twin brother's sperm because, and I quote, "they are like the same person and no one would know the difference!"    I think we would know the difference!  This was before we even knew we also had male factor issues, at that point the focus was on my cycles and whether I was polycystic! 

More recently I had the discussion with my boss about starting my first ivf round and roughly when I would be off work. He then asked me when my next round would be!?  Ummm can I have a go at this round first before you write it off?    

I get a lot of classic ones from my MIL, how I have never punched her....  She has a really annoying habit if being opinionated about things (including what ivf entails) and then when you point out the truth of the situation she says "oh I don't really know about these things" so why bring it up, upsetting me in the process, if you have nothing knowledgable to add STFU! 

It won't surprise you she is on team "you just need a holiday", "you are making yourself this way by stressing" blah blah blah 

I also agree that fertile people are stupid!


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## Keeping busy

Thanks for cheering me u when I'm feeling rubbish, truly some people are idiots, twin brothers sperm....

I just remembered another classic, form our fertility dr at one of our clinics, 'IVF is like cooking, we keep making changes until we get it right' I'd rather you'd done a full diagnosis before we went through 4 IuI's and 3 ICSI's just to find out they would never have worked...


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## Bumble Bus

Trumpet,

Your MIL's comment "experimental" nearly made me shower the computer with tea.  Errr, the first IVF baby was born in 1978 - it's quite a well-trodden path by now!!!

x


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## George_00

These are brilliant. Making me feel so much better after 2 outrageous comments from my sisters (which were connected).

With Sister 1 yesterday (not pregnant)
Me: I am finding it really hard seeing Sister 2 (pregnant)
Sister 1: Look, you just need to get over it and focus on the fact that a new person is coming into the family.
Me: I don't think you understand how hard infertility is. Let me explain to you that it's a constant, repeating, crushing grief and that it physically hurts me to see pregnant people. I'm just doing the best I can. (Condensed, I said a lot more than this!)
Sister 1: I do understand, only last week I was with my friend when she had an abortion.

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, because that's the same. An abortion is the same as infertility. FFS.

Me to sister 2 today (pregnant)
Me: I'm sorry but I am finding it hard seeing you and I found it really hard seeing you last week, and I just hope you'll forgive me.
Sister 2: Look, it is what it is, but I'm just saying that its hard for me too. You know, we just had a really exciting scan and it's the most exciting thing that's happening to me in my life at the moment, and I couldn't be open about it. I had to show Dad the scan picture under the table.

Yes, you read that right. That's what she said. Does anyone else think that seems unfair?!


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## holiday_girl

Wow, you're so inconvenient with your infertility!!? Those are some clanging clangers I think it's made especially hard when you're clearly being open and trying to explain how you're feeling. People are strange and infertility is still such a taboo to talk about with those who've not been through it. Try and keep your sense of humour when all else fails with your sisters, good luck with your treatment x


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## Trumpet

George - they are some of the worst clangers I have heard!  Sadly both your sisters clearly don't have a clue!  Sounds harsh but my advice is avoid them for a while.  When facing IVF I have learnt you have to go into self preservation mode as its hard enough having to deal with it as it is never mind having to tolerate insensitive people or enduring situations where you are just going to feel uncomfortable or sad.  Of course you will love your niece/nephew once they arrive but you don't need to be there for your sister right now.  Sounds like she is quite capable of being joyful about her situation on her own so she doesn't need you to join in and she should appreciate that if she can think for a moment about how happy she is and how awful it must feel for you being faced with the threat that you may not experience that same joy.  As for sister 1 - she just sounds immature...who in their right mind would compare infertility to an abortion.  Why would she even mention that to you.  Again steer clear for now and hang around with people who are supportive and actually make you feel good.  It makes a huge difference!


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## George_00

Thanks MrsB and Trumpet - I think you're right about self-preservation. It's sad that unless you've been through it, you just can't understand it. I guess that's why there are forums like this to get support from people who do understand! Thanks.  xxx


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## coweyes

Sorry i havnt read back but just wanted to add my bit.


Im very very luck to have a 5 month old daughter through icsi pgd, i had 3 rounds of icsi/ fet and then they found out about a genetic conditon that meant that i needed pgd.  Because it worked first time everyone things that i can just have another round and that it will work, like its the magic button.  It really really anoys me


1 I may not want to put myself throufh any more treatment and may just may be happy with one child.
2  Treatments 9,000    and whos to say that its going to work.  


Its like i have a cure for my infertility, mental


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## bombsh3ll

I've been asked by five different health professionals if I've thought about contraception since the birth of my daughter, even though natural conception is physically impossible for me and it took 3 IVF cycles to have her!

My standard reply now is that I find the withdrawal method very effective, I've had to withdraw about 6 thousand pounds for each round of IVF.

B xxx


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## coweyes

ha ha excellent. xx


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## holiday_girl

Totally stealing withdrawal method for future use, that's genius x


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## MrsPG

bombsh3ll said:


> I've been asked by five different health professionals if I've thought about contraception since the birth of my daughter, even though natural conception is physically impossible for me and it took 3 IVF cycles to have her!
> 
> My standard reply now is that I find the withdrawal method very effective, I've had to withdraw about 6 thousand pounds for each round of IVF.
> 
> B xxx


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## Trumpet

Love the withdrawal method!  I am dying for the opportunity to use that one bombshell!

Coweyes - people often say to me don't give up but that all well and good when you don't know how traumatic and horrible this process can be!

Thank goodness for everyone on here is all I say!

Trumpet xxx


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## coweyes

I had some one say to me "O your not giving up are you?" it really annoyed me, think it was more about the way it was said, like i was a quitter.  x


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## bambibaby12

When I went to my doctors just before shelling out another £5k on cycle number 2 to beg if there could be any leeway in the nhs guidelines (I can't get nhs funding in my area until I'm 30), he actually said to me "there are other options you know"... Me = "oh, ok.... Like what" ... Doctor = "you could always adopt"... I was speechless, not the fact of adoption as I had considered this further down the line if my own body failed me but it was more the fact that he expected me to give up my dream so so quickly and as though adoption should be done on a financial basis

Then, I made an appt this week as I somehow seem to have a shock surprise natural BFP and unbeknown to me I ended up back with the same doctor and he said to me "just want to make you aware that a very high % of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester"... 
Yes I was/am aware of this and have been able to be quite matter of fact and positive but I'm sure that for some people this could have been just the thing they needed to cause anxiety and stress in a time when you need to be completely relaxed...

I will refuse to see this doctor again, find him completely inappropriate....


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## coweyes

bambilbaby 12

What an idiot! I think its about 30% so do you class that as very high or not? less than 50% so odds are in your favour. Its a wander that any of us bother when he makes the odds sound so bad. See someone else in the future. I have to say that iv got an amazing gp who has seen me though 6 years of trying for a baby. Iv not seen her often but know that she is sympathetic to my case. When i had a ectopic about 4 years ago she rang me to check i wa ok and then when i got pg through treatment she rang me again to say congrats. I visited her for my 6 week post baby check up and she was generally over the moon for me and kept on touching my arm. She said "i can say it now, but would never had said it before, i didnt think this day would come". So my point is that there are amazing caring Dr out there, just not your one. Change and see someone who generally cares, maybe a female dr would be better??

Congratulations on your pregnancy. xx


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## bambibaby12

Thank u coweyes and hope your little girl is doing well 

Your gp sounds amazing, guess there are some that can make u feel like you're a person and not just a number. Yeh I won't make the mistake of seeing him again, I've just never had a specific gp, just always see whoever is available. xx


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## coweyes

If im going to the gps about anything fertility related i always go to my gp, my fertility issues are far to complicated for anyone who doesnt already know the back ground.  Yes my daughter is great thanks. xxxx


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## Caz

coweyes said:


> I visited her for my 6 week post baby check up and she was generally over the moon for me and kept on touching my arm. She said "i can say it now, but would never had said it before, i didnt think this day would come".


That bought a little happy tear to my eye. 

 on your pregnancy bambibaby. I too have had the "you could just adopt" spiel off my GP, who said it to me as I sat sobbing my eyes out being signed off work in the middle of a miscarriage after my second IVF. You do have to wonder whether they strode right on past Charm school in their rush to bunk off of Tact lessons. 

FWIW, coweyes is right; I think they say about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in m/c but, of those a large majority actually end before the woman has even missed her period or even realises she's pregnant. I think it's said that once you have seen a heartbeat on a scan, your chances of a 1st trimester loss drop to around 5%.

C~x


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## bambibaby12

Thanks Caz, yeh it really makes you wonder sometimes. Clearly some people will never understand but surely a gp could be expected to have a little compassion...  

Will be keeping everything crossed until my first scan next week.   thanks for your words of encourager ladies  xx


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## Jelly.B

My SIL told me when I was pregnant that at least with IVF I can chose the sex of the baby if I decide to have another one...... She only has one more 'shot' at having her girl as she doesn't want more then 3children (she has twin boys)....... Ehhhh ok...... Don't think I have ever starred at a person with an open mouth for that long before! 

When I had my BFP on my second cycle, I called my sister in tears. Gosh I was so happy! She told me she was happy for me BUT so unhappy and jealous for herself as she's been trying NATURALLY for 5-6months now and it's not happening for her........  Bearing in mind she has two wonderful kids already.... Wow! 
Two months later she called me to say she's finally pregnant and don't feel jealous anymore.... 

Yep, some people......

Xx


----------



## ciacox

Enjoyed reading these. I've heard many of them myself - especially the one about people who have IVF and get pregnant naturally afterwards 'because they just relax'. What?! Arg.

My dad's clanger definitely belongs here. When I told him we had fertility probs and would be having IVF he said, 'well, there is something to be said for not having children' (yup, you read right, my dad said this...)


----------



## galwaygirl

This thread has really made me lol!! I have lost count of the amount of times i have heard the "You know once you stop trying you will get pregnant"!! Gee, wish I had thought of that  

The best one I have had recently was after I opened up and told a consultant that I work with that I was considering starting my fourth icsi. His response to me was, "You are very lucky your husband hasn't left you" To say I was lost for words was an understatement....... As you can imagine, I have reverted back to being very private about the matter


----------



## coweyes

galwaygirl


There the kind of comments that annoy me the most, the ones that don't actually make any sense.  Just silly flippant comments.  Anyone who half knows me knows that iv tried for 7 years for a baby and that we now have a daughter, but still people constantly go on about having another one? Why, its like saying that one isn't enough! and that now we have managed to have one a second will be so much easier!


----------



## Bumble Bus

Ciacox, the comment your Dad made struck a chord.....  When me and my DH told my parents that we wouldn't be able to have biological children together as my husband doesn't have any sperm, my mother told me that the happiest couple she knows don't have children and there is a lot to be said for that.

1) WTF, sorry you couldn't be as happy as your friends with no kids.
2) this happy couple my mum is friends with never wanted children and had an abortion when they accidentally got pg.  Totally their own choice and I really like them but how exactly is this comparable to our scenario?

Grrrrrr, that was probably about 18 months ago and still makes me cross.


----------



## BroodyChick

A recent one I've had (after sharing about recent co-parent issues to my friend) she told me: 'If that was me, I'd just adopt'.
AFTER I explained that I have three perfect, 100% biologically mine snowbabies on ice and will be using one later this month! Just so I can cut CP out of my life!??
I do really wonder about these people sometimes. I found it slightly easier to forgive her on that occasion because
1) I have a lot of info about adoption, and she does not
2) she is so far removed from having kids of her own, she could be on another planet
3) she is just extremely insensitive, which another specific experience with her has proved.

She seems to think that my pregnancy (earlier this year, when I was about 7 weeks gone) and subsequent miscarriage make appropriate dinner table conversations with people I don't know well at all, so I am not seeing her anymore.

If it's family making these comments this could be a bit tricky, as you may have/wish to interact with them, but I also have a cousin who didn't see her younger sister for her entire pregnancy. She felt hurt but just had to deal with that.

Something that might make people laugh: Last Christmas, there was the case of a sperm donor-conceived girl in Germany who won the right to gain access to her donor's details in court. My dad was 100% convinced that in sperm donations, various samples are mixed in together before they are administered, to ensure the donor's anonymity!

I've not shared with him about my TX so I couldn't explain it very well, but I did try and get it into his skull that he is wrong. 
But it left me wondering - has he donated before and is now worried he will be contacted by his bio kids? (I wouldn't be surprised as he used to donate blood for cash too)...


----------



## Trumpet

Hi All,

People never cease to amaze me with their ridiculous, idiotic comments.
Galwaygirl - your response to the Consultant should have been "its amazing your wife hasn't left you since you are such a knob".

I hate the way people come out with the most blasé statements about how they would deal with infertility when they have no idea.  Its impossible to know what you would do or how you feel unless you experience it yourself.

Still what would we all have to laugh at if people didn't spout a load of crap on a daily basis!

Trumpet xxx


----------



## Roxymurphy

Without doubt... Number 1 comment I hear... I know someone who had x amount of treatment and as soon as they stopped they fell naturally. Ok, my odds are a million to none but thanks for the inspiration.

My fil, a few days after our first failed round said 'should you think about moving on to adoption, otherwise you might be too old to be accepted and you will end up childless'. I'd just turned 31!!

My best friend, who is so supportive and would hate to upset me, just after we found out we would never have a biological child together said 'I was thinking... If you decide not to have children... We will always envy each other's lives. Yours with nice holidays, clothes etc and mine with my 3 kids.' I wanted to reply that I don't and never will envy her life. I want MY life (which was actually pretty fantastic until this infertility nightmare started) with MINE and MY husband's children.

And like everyone else, people with kids love to tell me that I should be careful what I wish for cause kids mean you lose your identity/ sleep/ relationship/ finances etc etc.

Why can't people just say 'I can't imagine what you're going through, you will be great parents. Good luck'.  

The people who always know the right things to say? My friends who have been on this journey!!


----------



## coweyes

I think in this day and age and with the general public knowing a bit about fertility treatment (but not a lot) people just don't believe that it can't happen.  I think the majority of people believe that if you keep on going your get there.  My work colleague kept on asking me if i had considered surrogacy, he really annoyed me as its not at all relevent to my case.


My sil really bugged me (but know she ment well) she said i always know you would have a child, i didn't say anything cos shes lovely and didn't mean to offend.  But i thought how patronising and also how do you know that? you don't know anything medically about me.


----------



## Trumpet

Roxy - oh yes the "I know someone who did IVF a hundred times then fell naturally clanger" - its hilarious that people expect you to feel inspired by such a statement.

Coweyes - you are right about people thinking they know more than they actually do and I hate it when people think everyone undergoing IVF has the same issues. I have been asked about surrogacy before as people don't seem to understand that my problem is crap eggs.  People also just presume it eventually works for everyone.  Some people even ask me if I will try for more than one because I wouldn't want a "lonely only".  The fact I haven't yet managed to get pregnant after 5 cycles of IVF doesn't seem to register that its hard enough imagining I may be lucky enough to have one.

I find my most helpful friends are the ones who just listen and tell me they really feel crap for my predicament and they wish they could help but they never try to give me advice. They just support and encourage.

My Mother did also ask if I had considered asking my 19 yr old niece for her eggs.  She doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is and what it actually means and how it would be far too much of a physical and emotional burden for a young woman barely out of childhood to deal with (and the fact it would be too weird). 

Sleep well Ladies!

Trumpet xxx


----------



## knickerbockerglory

Hi Ladies

I really like this thread but for all the wrong reasons. My personal favourites are:-

just relax and it will happen (oh thanks, i'm sure that's what it is)
when going through a miscarriage - it just wasn't meant to be (probably true but didn't help the devastation I felt)

and last but not least, shortly after having the miscarriage finding out that DH's friend had got his girlfriend of 6 weeks pregnant. she already had 2 kids by her ex husband. Dh's friend, who is extremely tight did not want to move in with her and bring up his own kid as he would become financially responsible for them all (ex husband paid nothing, she would lose her benefits if he moved in) so they had an abortion! I kid you not! Then we had to listen to DH's friend moan about his situation, granted he doesn't know about IF and IVF but he did know that we had had a miscarriage only a matter of weeks before. Really, Really don't know how I kept my mouth shut that night!

Nicx


----------



## Louisej29

Hi ladies

MAde me smile reading some of these

I've had 2 failed ivfs and 2 ivfs that have both ended in mc

Mother in law " you're just trying too hard. It will happen when you move house-
New house, new baby!"

Argh.  Wanted to throw my coffee all over her !!


----------



## goldbunny

lol, moved house three times, tried that one! why would IVF even exist if all you had to do was phone Pickfords and have them put your stuff somewhere else?


----------



## kandykane

goldbunny said:


> lol, moved house three times, tried that one! why would IVF even exist if all you had to do was phone Pickfords and have them put your stuff somewhere else?


That's where we're all going wrong! *grabs the yellow pages*


----------



## M0ncris

I love this thread, it always makes me laugh.

The old, go out and get drunk, as lots of people have kids when they relax...

Or, are you sure you really want children (after 2 attempts at icsi).  My aunt after I'd had a miscarriage said, I've had lots of abortions so those children just weren't meant to be.  Or my mum who asked me why I was so upset having miscarried as it wasn't a baby yet, just a bunch of cells...  I don't know how I am not in jail for murder after that one...

I'm sure there are more that I've just blocked out...

Hugs to you all.
M
X


----------



## BroodyChick

It's heartening to read that even after so many insensitive stories and treatment rollercoasters, there are quite a few happy outcomes in people's signatures.
It's one thing that helps to keep me going on my path!
I am sure once you have your longed-for child/ren all those stupid people just fade into the background.

Tonight I talked to a 28 year old who told me with an absolutely straight face and became more passionate about her opinions when I challenged her, that 'If you can't get pregnant it's due to stress, or something else isn't right'.
I guess up to a point I agree with her, but to just make such a sweeping statement when you have really Zero clue!?
So I asked her - what about people without fallopian tubes? etc. She admitted that there were 'some rare medical conditions' where her theory falls flat on its stupid face, but she wouldn't budge very far.
I said she obviously hadn't spent much time in the infertility community, to which she replied that actually her best friend had been trying for 6 years... yes you guessed it, they now have twins!
She has no idea but thought she has to have an opinion.

We actually had a more sensible conversation after that. She's a taurus, and clearly also quite naive. I didn't delve into my own journey but thought I'd warn her that her uninformed opinions can come across as arrogant and insulting. She accepted that but it still hurt that she thinks miscarriages are brought on by stress. If that were the complete truth, there would be no children of rape, of slaves or of anyone taking the tube to work. What b*llox.


----------



## kandykane

wow broodychick that person you spoke to sounds like she's on a different planet!!



BroodyChick said:


> I am sure once you have your longed-for child/ren all those stupid people just fade into the background.


sadly the idiots don't vanish, although it is obviously easier to deal with. When I was blessed with our miracle I had comments like "Is he normal?" "What a shame he wasn't natural" and "you'll pop another out now you know what to do"  The problem is there are idiots everywhere who think they know it all when they know very little indeed, if anything. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing (who said that?). There are also a lot of people who like the sound of their own voice a bit too much but as my DP's granny used to say "empty vessels make the most noise" and ain't that the truth!

Broody, hope you get your own happy outcome soon


----------



## kandykane

and to this day my mad auntie still rings me regularly to ask me if I'm pregnant / tell me I must be because she 'just knows' cause I'm a 'girly girl' (I'm so not! and anyway what has that got to do with anything?!) then when I get a bit cross and tell her she knows darn well I'm not because That's Not Possible she comes out with "are you sure?" I mean wtf


----------



## M0ncris

Blimey Kandy Kane, I thought I was the only one with mad relatives...


----------



## Dandanxx

"Wow, your DP has gone from being a jaffer to Mr super sperm"  

Speechless !!


----------



## BroodyChick

Hi Kandykane
I think she's more in denial than anything else. She is 28 and happily shagging someone without commitment, which suits her fine right now, but honestly she has no idea.
At her age I was painfully aware I should make tracks in the babymaking department, and I told her it took almost 10 years from making the decision for me to even actually getting close, and I still don't have children. What you do in your twenties, how you behave and who you meet are so important! But there's no point in telling someone who has to make her own decisions and mistakes...


----------



## Pudding34

Reading the posts on here have really made me really laugh for the first time in a while,

I have had a myriad of crazy comments from people!

It took me a couple of months to work up the courage to talk to my three oldest friends, who had all either just given birth or who were pregnant, about our fertility issues.

During one of these conversations my friend who was pregnant at the time told me that I couldnt believe how annoyed she was that it took them two whole months to get pregnant because the baby wouldn't be a Leo, SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I COULDNT BELIEVE how annoyed she was over something so ridiculously trivial! It must have been so terrible for her all those days of waiting it sounds horrific! She didn't even realise what she had said and carried on talking about what a hard life she has, having a baby who will be a different star sign to her!

That one has really stuck in my head and six months later I am still pretty annoyed about it.

My boss, who is usually a pretty sensitive guy told me about his friend who had a number of tries and had to give up and adopt but she is getting a little older now so don't know if it will even be possible, yeah thanks for that.

Another guy I used to work with that didn't know about our issues kept telling me "your aren't getting any younger you know, perhaps you should start thinking about having kids" and "you do know you talk about your dog too much you need to have a real baby" I'm a 34 year old woman who is married and has not renounced the idea of having children, WAKE UP MORON!!!! Think before you open your big stupid trap, we aren't all lucky enough to have two kids in 2 years five minutes after our wedding!


I think the problem is that unless you have experienced infertility you can't possibly understand! I am really lucky to have some great friends who all support me but honestly They can't really have a single clue about how I feel, which is why this site is such a godsend, I can talk about things on here that I can't talk about to other people apart form anything just explaining the technicalities makes most people zone out!

Much love to all my cyber friends out there!
Pudding
x


----------



## goldbunny

up to the age of about 25 i believed the star sign thing was essential! but i also believed you could plan thee things exactly, certainly as children we discussed in detail the exact planned birth dates of all our expected children.... i think up to about that age i still thought getting pregnant was as simple as having unprotected sex and had no real idea about ovulation and timing... 

of course once you learn about having a couple of days a month you realise that eg timing to get a leo could be impossible... because you'd only get at best a couple of days in a year when you could concieve one... and if your ovulation isn't regular or your cycles are long you might miss the window altogether... so you start lowering expectations... for a long time i realised at best i could just ' eg' avoid a winter birthday, but that was the nearest to control you could have... of course by the time you're 40 you wouldn't care if it was born on the moon so long as it was alive and healthy and the star sign issue seems trivial...i'm pregnant now if this baby manages to survive that long it will be an aries or taurus... really it won't matter which! I know i'll love it either way.


----------



## BroodyChick

Hi Goldbunny - I hope you have a happy outcome despite measurements being a bit off. I keep my fingers crossed for you!

Pudding - that is just incredible, and sooo Funny about the 'non-Leo' baby!! Clearly your friend doesn't know dlck. If her baby wants to be a leo, it will be a leo. 2 friends of mine were due within a week of one another: Baby 1 arrived when mum was just 33 weeks pregnant, and baby 2 arrived when mum was 41 weeks, so they are completely different star signs!! Haha, some people are really so limited intellectually they should be forced to pass a parenting test before having sex


----------



## Owlgirl

Staying on the thread of mad families... when my SIL finally found out I was pregnant (after knowing nothing about our fertility situation) she said "Thank god for that, I was getting really worried about you. I was going to suggest that I donate my eggs to you". Yes, my husbands sister was going to offer to donate her (40 year old) eggs, so that her brother and I could conceive with his sperm and her eggs. Incest much??

Good god. Apologies if I have already told this story, it has been 3 months and I still can't believe she said it.


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Owlgirl, that reminds me of something my mum said! When DW and I were first looking into trying for a baby, I joked that we should ask DW's brother as then the baby might look like DW and I. My mum responded with 'but won't you be too close genetically?' - she thought I meant MY brother!


----------



## BroodyChick

OMG some people! Madness


----------



## beccalou0163

Just wanted to say thanks, I'v had particularly bad day after visiting my best friend and her new baby, I laughed out loud at this thread and guess what after all this time Im not going crazy!!!! 
MADE MY DAY A WHOLE LOT BETTER I LOVE FF!!!!!


----------



## bambibaby12

A wanted a rant really. I actually despise my SIL & MIL at the moment. As us IF ladies know, even once you get a BFP the worrying doesn't end there and every day is a minefield of emotions.

I booked I private scan for over the weekend and stupidly called in and MILs on way home and of course SIL was there with her brood, (they are never anywhere else), she was asking how I'm getting on. I said ok and then added that we'd just had a scan, to which SIL responded "oh for gods sake you need to start relaxing and enjoying it", ( this is from someone who understands what I went through for 3yrs ttc cos it took her 6months to conceive baby number 2   ) 
MIL then piped up, "wonder how we coped back in the day without all "this", I had 4 children and didn't have all these scans then".... Ermmmm yes, that's cos you managed to pop one out every year the second you got married!!!!!

Then we get the "know it all" comments about parenting and "what we are letting ourselves in for"?? Seriously could not get out of there quick enough!!


----------



## Lollie2501

Oh Bambibaby12 do we have the same MIL and SIL?? Sounds like mine all over. My MIL was so unsupportive through our whole journey that by the time I got my BFP I couldn't take any more from her and didn't speak to her for the duration of my pregnancy.

After our miscarriages she said 'I don't know why you let it bother you so much? You think too much. I wouldn't let it get to me!!' Said by the lady that popped out 4 babies like peas!! Then when we were told we needed ICSI as my OH got diagnosed with azoospermia she still said 'you'll get pregnant naturally! ' Erm what part of no chance of natural conception don't you get 

Big hugs xx


----------



## bambibaby12

Lollie - they are an entirely different breed aren't they! I'm slightly peeved as well cos SIL only knew about our ivf cos she would constantly harp on at me every time I saw her about when I was going to have kids and eventually one day I said "do you not think there might be a problem" and that was when she started telling me how she struggled for 6 long months for her second  
Then after being sworn to secrecy I found out a few months ago that she went and told MIL, I was fuming cos none of my family know! I thought it was so so rude...  

Sorry you have suffered the same insensitivity... Wow I can only dream of having 4 kids!!


----------



## Lollie2501

I'm sorry you have to go through this too. It's so hard to not have support and understanding! I can't believe your SIL broke your confidence! I know how hard it is to share in the first place!!

My SIL just had her 3rd baby and when she was pregnant my MIL said to me 'I don't know what she is so excited? She's already had two I wasn't like that by the third. You'd think she would be fed up!!!' 

Grrrrr I could go on and on with the things she comes out with! 

Xxx


----------



## goldbunny

told a friend today that I am pregnant (- and said I had had three cycles of IVF and lost a baby last year...)

their response? 

'you did well to keep it to one then, I thought IVF usually resulted in twins or triplets'. 

 

some people have No Idea! I know it's not their fault, I guess it is the media...

didn't know what to reply so just gave up. wish they would maybe see a site like this though and realise it's not some magic twin delivery service. It's so weird how people get these ideas fixed, and that even in the face of being told it had taken me three cycles to get one, the idea still is in their mind that IVF = multiple babies, guaranteed. I would have been delighted with twins.. I certainly don't think I 'did well' to keep it to one! I am so sad for the four embryos that went back and didn't settle in and also the one that I lost... If they had all taken I would have had 4 babies and have two on the way! 

it just isn't like that!!


----------



## BroodyChick

Thanks for reviving this thread, GB!

Had another hilarious one from a friend today, who invited me to her Xmas do. I replied I'd love to come but have tickets for a Xmas ball already that evening, so would have to see how I feel.
I explained I'm 12 weeks pregnant and it depends if I am up for 2 events in one night.
She (never been pg or even tried) earnestly told me that the venue I picked for the ball wasn't really 'suitable for pregnant women' as it's a clubbing type environment!
Gee thanks, let me just sit at home for 9 months then!? I basically LOL'd at her and said I am still the same person, and that I am barely showing. It's not like I am hefting a 39 week bump around the Ministry of Sound or something, although I'm sure it has been done!


----------



## goldbunny

hmm well I'm guessing she wasn't really understanding '12 weeks' in the equation... maybe she visualised it as being further on (congrats on being 12 weeks btw) because in late pregnancy I think one is supposed to avoid noisy environments, but your small won't even have got to the stage of hearing you properly yet never mind what is going on around you..


----------



## bambibaby12

Gold bunny... My mouth actually dropped open when I read your friends comment    
Like you said, they haven't a clue this journey actually takes us on. I had something similar, When telling one of my close friends about my ivf earlier this year, she said, "knowing your luck you will end up with twins"... Ermmm, what like "my luck" that's meant I haven't got pregnant for 3years ttc?? Unfortunately she's on of the girls who came off the pill and was pg the following month  

Strange how a little ignorance for a subject can make people say such insensitive things.

Glad you have felt comfortable enough to tell people tho now  xx

Broody - yes, put your feet up now for 9 months, u do know u can't move when pregnant don't you  xx


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

So many I couldn't write them all... the best though was my boss before cycle 2 as I booked time off 

''So have they said it will definitely work this time?''

Why yes of course they pick which ones do and don't and this time the dice landed on 'free baby''


----------



## EmWills

I love this thread! 

Bambibaby a few of my friends have said the 'knowing your luck you'll end up with twins' comment to me. I now reply if I really was that lucky I'd have twins by now naturally, don't take your children for granted. Some people are completely stupid. 

Glad to see you and gold bunny are doing so well! I remember you from the low amh group  

Em xx


----------



## goldbunny

Mr & Mrs Bubble said:


> So many I couldn't write them all... the best though was my boss before cycle 2 as I booked time off
> 
> ''So have they said it will definitely work this time?''
> 
> Why yes of course they pick which ones do and don't and this time the dice landed on 'free baby''


rofl!


----------



## lamb38

Great thread! 

I'll have to share what my Mum said to me when I let her know I couldn't get preg naturally as I'd potentially lost both tubes... 

"I don't understand why you're having problems, I've never had any problems getting pregnant, your father only had to look at me and I was pregnant" 

yeh, thanks Mum


----------



## BroodyChick

OMG Mr& MRs Bubble -free my foot!!??  

I think I had a cheap one, having shelled out just over 2k so far...x

Lamb - Oh dear, your mum didn't have a clue...


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

My mum did come out with some classics, which was doubly amusing as I was adopted due to fertility problems ...

Think her best one was after I proudly told her that a close and dear FF friend was pregnant to which she replied ..
''Well you're not are you''


----------



## lamb38

yep, not a clue Broody! 

Ouch Mrs Bubble! What on Earth goes on in their minds, honestly, it's not that they don't care they just don't seem to think!


----------



## bambibaby12

Emwillis - thank you hunny  and I will be keeping everything crossed for this cycle for you   Xx

Mr&mrsbubble -  wow so that's where we are all going wrong, we need to pick the clinic who can choose which cycles work  love this one xx

The parents ones always make me laugh too, love how they think it's appropriate to rub their own fertile selves all over us


----------



## MrsPG

A friend at work yesterday was asking me how many cycles we have on the NHS and if we were planning to do another. A 20 year old new girl who I have known for ONE DAY pipped up "well you can't give up after just one go can you!" 

And when I pointed out that when it costs c£5k sometimes you don't have a choice. Her next comment; " you should just get a surrogate, that must be cheaper"

Dafuq? Put aside the complete naivety of that statement and you have still made massive assumptions about my infertility.


----------



## bambibaby12

Oh to be 20 again and worry about falling pg accidentally eh?? 

I don't think I even knew the word "infertility" at that age! 

I bet you were too gobsmacked to even respond xx


----------



## BroodyChick

MrsPG - maybe you should have asked her if she was volunteering!??


----------



## coweyes

What is peoples obsession about surrogacy i used to get asked that a fair bit to.


----------



## alig1972

Hi 

When we were working towards our 3rd cycle and money was tight, I asked my mum if she would lend us the money and her response was it was like putting a bet on a horse with no guarantees and you wouldn't bet and risk £5k on a horse...!! This was her future grandchild that we were talking about...

Ali


----------



## rosebud_05_99

Hi alig1972
My mum has the same way of thinking about it all, she doesn't understand how we spend all our savings and struggle so much to try and make this happen. She's not a very maternal woman tho no cuddles or hugs in our house when I was young, so that explains it I think, now that we are on the surrogacy journey she isn't interested in updates or anything. Some people who have never faced infertility just don't understand how it consumes your life.

The most insensitive comment I had was at a baby's funeral ( SIDS my neice ) a neighbour pointed at the baby and said to me when are you having one of those?? That was nine years ago and I still can't believe he said that.

Rosebud


----------



## Roygbiv

Alig1972, I think you win! I couldn't imagine my mum saying something like that. It's quite awful. No disrespect to your mum, of course. Just wow!


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

My parents did loan us the cash for cycle 3..... Untill it failed at which point we were told the loan was due to start being repayed lol!


----------



## Tone

omg ladies I've had right laugh readimg through these posts!Some very sad ones too though, just cant believe how insensitive people can be. One 'friend' of mine going through ivf herself finally got pregnant when dh and I  were about to start the whole ivf thing. Not only did she decide to tell me at my nye party (thanks for that, I'll just go and drink myself into oblivion now then shall I) but when I met up with her a few wekks later she proceeded to gloat about how she was showing (she was 9 weeks gone) and asked me if I noticed how everyone was pregnant at the moment (er like everyone but me u mean!)
Just goes to show that its not just the fertile people that are thick lol!


----------



## spicey

Hi all,

I'm so glad I read this post. Been giggling away to myself and am during my 2ww of my second ICSI Cycle.

It's refreshing to know it's not just me that comes across idiots and people who don't think before they speak. I have a funny for you all:

It took us 2 years to pluck up the courage for our second cycle, we took our first failure quite badly. We've re-located 18 months ago (should have rung Pickfords as a post earlier suggested lol) to start afresh in London/Herts. 
Our 'southcoast' friends all knew when we did our ICSI, I even went camping with a group of them and did my jabs too. Then realised all the has it worked questions were so annoying and upsetting as it's clearly obvious it hasn't! 
We had said to them, we wouldn't be volunteering info like this anymore due to the constant, are you doing it again, has it happened yet, when are you doing it?, you should consider adoption, think of the freedom without bla bla. One of DH's friends even offered to come round with baster or something and offered his stuff if I told him when I was ovulating! WTF?

A month ago DH and I went to see these friends and we met for bonfire night in lovely Winchester. One of the group took me aside ish... and said "so, any baby since the move then?" to which I looked at both hands, eggarated looking in my coat and pockets and replied with "nope, doesn't look like it"

She did later on apologise and then I said well it is a sensitive subject that I struggle with so accepted her apology. Her response was, ahhh well, you don't want kids anyway, they're expensive... errrr excuse me, but I thought they came with freebies! How I didn't throw my HOT chocolate on her I don't know 

Anyway so nice to see some success stories on this thread.


----------



## Grumpygirl

I'll raise you ladies a couple:
'What do you do all day when you're only working part time when you don't even have a baby to look after?' From a friend who was a new Mum and who had forgotten I'd finished chemo 3 years previously for gynae cancer and was part time to give us a chance of a bfp with IVF- this clanger was after 3 failed ivfs in a year and she did nothing but moan about her baby for 3 full days while we were away. It ended up in an argument but I bit my tongue soooooooo long. 

The other (from the same person) was on hearing I had cancer- 'oh well, at least you'll never go through the pain if childbirth'. Funnily enough we're not close now!


----------



## BroodyChick

Wtf Grumpy??! If you can be bothered to call her in May to moan about your labour I'm sure she'll eat her disgusting words!
Unbelievable. Yes you did we'll to erase her from your life.
My cousin had 2 babies after chemo and my friend currently getting treatment for leukaemia has part of her ovary frozen. So what does your ex friend even know??! Curious how the most unqualified ppl suddenly turn into medical or adoption experts when it comes to IF! X


----------



## Keeping busy

Grumpy, I honestly can not believe people have said that to you. I thought I hsd some insensitive frienda but that tops it. Hope you are keeping well xxx


----------



## Grumpygirl

Bless you both. In her defence she's a girlie engineer and I think has a little emotional chip missing at times. What was hard to take was that I held my tongue so long that I ended up blowing up in front of people and making myself look stupid, and other friends took her side. Caused a rift really, although we're not short on friends and it is good to know who really cares about you in the long run. It's almost 7 yrs ago now, can you tell I've let it go? NOT!!!


----------



## bambibaby12

Grumpy I'm gobsmacked!!  

But also wanted to say, huge congrats on your pregnancy, sounds like you really deserve it after everything you've been through, good luck for the rest of your journey xxx


----------



## Josina

Hi everyone. I've just come across this thread.
I've had all the comments about adoption, 'you don't want kids anyway', 'my husband has super sperm so you can have some of his' etc etc etc  
A few weeks ago a friend said to me "You're not going to go through all this again surely" (for a sibling), and I thought well why not?! Why can everyone else have two kids if they want but because of our problems we must limit ourselves to just one child (hopefully one day will get longed for bfp  )
So since then I sent out a letter to all my friends, with the Resolve Infertility Etiquette article attached, and I got a lot of supportive messages back.
But then a few days ago got the below invitation. I just cannot believe how insensitive this girl was, having just received a mail from me explaining how we've been struggling with infertility for more than two years and I'm really not coping well!   Grrrrrrrrrr


Hi friends
We were chatting today about New Year's Eve and how things have changed in our circle of friends. Seeing that there are a few preggie ladies, new parents, parents of toddlers and cute dogs who will miss their owners, we were thinking that having a celebration on the 1st in the day may be better than on the 31st at night. This way, preggie ladies don't have to stay up late and pretend to laugh at drunk people's jokes, parents don't have to get baby sitters and no-one has to be on the road. 
We are happy to host a braai starting at midday. We will have a pool and a slippy slide!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

People can be such morons!   I have adopted and the comments don't stop.... from the nurse yesterday 'oh you've adopted, you'll get pregnant now, it ALWAYS happens'   Oh right, adoption cures infertility who knew, not a medical professional that's for sure   And from my friend 'I hope you get your miracle baby now' Trying to be sweet I know but implying that our precious daughter isn't enough, she is, she is our miracle baby


----------



## BroodyChick

Thanks for sharing the Infertility Etiquette article, Josina!
Yes your friend sounds like a moron, pushing your nose in what is plain to see for you all around, are you boycotting her 'braai'?x


----------



## Josina

yes we are boycotting it! We couldn't go anyway, but I'm just not sure whether I should say something!
P.s. 'Braai' is barbeque-- we're in sunny South Africa


----------



## Loopyttc

I thought I would add my recent experience of insensitivity....

I decided to tell my boss that the reason I need so many hospital appointments is due to fertility problems. I was fed up of making excuses and through (incorrectly) he may be sensitive about it and give me the support I need from a work perspetive. Anyway, one of my colleagues is pregnant at the moment also, so my bosses response was that "he really hopes our fertility *doesn't * work because if I got pregnant too it would cause a real resource issue if we were both off at the same time".

I spent the rest of the day trying not to cry.


----------



## Pudding34

Loopyttc that is probably one of the most rude, insensitive, crass, stupid, and moronic things I have heard I hope once you are feeling a little stronger you can go back to him remind him he said that and give him what for. Or I could do it for you if you want!

Big hugs to balance out the moron in your life!

Pudding
X


----------



## BroodyChick

I think you should have cried. And gone home early. And gotten signed off with depression. Just to make him see that there are worse things for a company to deal with than people getting pregnant! xxx


----------



## goldbunny

nice one broody. so sorry loopy, what a *** (deleted myself for being impolite)


----------



## Loopyttc

Thanks for the support ladies - made me feel much better 

I generally approach these things with the mindset that some people are just idiots that don't think about what they are saying. There will be a point when I can bring him to justice over what he said - I'm hoping that will be when I have a baby and I can remind him of what he said.


----------



## bombsh3ll

Oh Loppyttc, what a nasty man!

I hope his you-know-whats shrivel up & drop off so he can't have children either. 

Do look after yourself, it will serve him right if you conceive twins & have to start your mat leave extra early 

Hugs,

B xxx


----------



## Thursdayschild

Me and my DH went out for dinner with his dad and his dad's new wife in August. She asked me in the middle of my chicken korma 'how all of that is going' - not that I've EVER mentioned any of 'all of that' fertility crap to her as they only got married this June and I've only met her about 3 times. Well, I couldn't hold back the tears. We'd just gone thro an unsuccessful IVF in june/july, which we hadn't told them about anyway... So, after embarrassingly mopping my face in a crowed restaurant (those emotions, I realised, were very close to the surface), and after DH's dad saying "well, you have to just be philosophical about these things" (which is possibly true but seemed cras at the time), she leaned over the table and said to me, about her first husband, "Well, I hate to say it but John just needed to look at me and I fell pregnant." One, if you hate to say it, think about it, and why say it? Two, you were in your early 20s (and all your kids turned out fugly anyway). Harrumph. I said, well, if I was 17 years younger it might have been easier. people are fvcktards. 
My best friend from school, who i am still close with, also said that she felt 'awful' that her and her DH had got preg the first month they tried (aged 37 ish), and again the second time straight after breastfeeding, while I was having MCs and unsuccessful tries... And while she's really nice and supportive in lots of ways, judging by the amount I hear about other people's IVF/infertility struggles, it's beginning to dawn on me that it is also a source of fascinating gossip for her


----------



## ayah

Thanks all, these post have are truely terible!  Not you personally, what you have to listdn too.  Loopyttc i am sure your bosses comment was harassment.  

So yes i've had the clssics, here some of my others.

Bless my Gran, who trained as a nurse, kept asking when she was gonna be a great granny.  So told her we have IF tx.  Then each time we spoke, it was so when you goona have a baby hurry up.  It look years for baby 1 to arrive and since he 1 year she back on the hurry up he needs a sibling!.  Ok iM doing my best!  Couple yrs ago they came to stay and wondered why we didn't buy a dish washer.  She knew we have to pay for tx!  But she still not stopped. So when my car started to give up, and she asked why we not getting a new one i said plane and clear ALL my savings going for tx.  So it tx or car.  I knew she we aggree tx was more important, and she and grandad bought me a car.  All is forgiven

I can forgive my gran, she and her sisters are all the same.  And she does it to every one.  Shd has abig heart, and really really wants to know and love her greatgran childrdn as much as i want children.  She just not know telling me to hurry up hurts so much, as it not my choice!

Then there was the GP, who after i asked to be referred for IF tx to try for 2nd baby, told me "problem is womdn are leaving it so late these days" oh my goodness!  I started this journey at 24!  Some of the delays are due to slow refferal by gp refussal to reffer when i had PND.  I knew it would be some time for refferal to clinic and thought it would give me the boast i needed.  Left the gp that day having lost hope.  Tookover a year for them to referr, only to be told i could have been reffered before!  


The ones that get me are.  "It is selfish to just have one, you should have more".  I'm a muslim convert so i get a lot of.  "Oh you converts dont know the impirtance of family,.  Or you working women shouldn' put work before having a family!  Your son needs a sibling."  Oh really? Had not crosses my mind!  What really gets me with muslims is that we are meant to know that God chooses when and if.  So if i have no kidds or just one, or 12, it not my decission!  Even if im not religious, biology alone clearly shows it is not just your want that gets us pregnant!

Sorry that was long!

Rant over

Ayah xxx


----------



## Tin-tin

Oh my goodness - my GP said the same thing!  I was 37 at the time and figured time should still be on my side but my GP seemed to suggest that my eggs had gone off because I had wasted my fertile years being too fussy when it came to potential fathers.


----------



## carrie lou

Oh dear, some of these stories are awful   It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive people can be! And it's always the people closest to you   


Here are mine to give you a laugh.


When I first told my best friend that DH was infertile and our only option was donor sperm, she asked me, "well! why don't you just have it off with the postman?" And then offered to let me borrow her husband for the weekend   


Same friend chose to tell me on my son's birthday that she was expecting number two (we had our first babies close together and she knew we were about to start IVF again). I was so upset and struggled to hold back the tears. Later I told my mum how badly it had affected me and she said, "Oh well, it's not as if Zac (my son) has leukaemia, is it?" Yes of course I am glad my son doesn't have a life threatening illness but am I still not allowed to be sad about anything?! grrrrr


----------



## BroodyChick

Congrats on your bfp, Carrie Lou! Such excellent news  
Hilarious story about your friend, you should have got your diary out and told her your next ovulation date, just to see the look in her face! X

My latest funny story is that my mum's tenant came for tea and said 'congratulations, I hear you're expecting a baby' to DP and me.
I said thank you, and then she looked at him and asked 'so you're the daddy?' - can you believe it?! Not that it's any of her business, but what do you say to that? I bit my tongue and DP said 'yes, I will be'. What was he going to say? No? Whatever she knows via my mum (?) I really didn't feel the need to discuss my fertility issues and journey to motherhood with someone I met a handful of times...


----------



## Lomosso

I've loved reading these....

A couple of friends on separate occasions while at drink parties have rubbed my stomach saying "Have you got something to tell us".  I was speechless.  I really wish I had said "Yes, I have wind".

The same friend another time looked at me and said "Will you have some good news to tell me in 3 months time".  This after I had told her the difficulties of getting pregnant.  I then emailed her telling her exactly how she made me feel, and she hasn't mentioned it since.


----------



## Sarapd

Just can't believe how insensitive people can be.

We had a Christmas party a few weeks ago for our neighbours and as one of them was leaving he said he was sorry I couldn't get pregnant and it was a shame he'd had the snip otherwise he'd help me out! Even drunk I was too speechless to say anything. Still deciding whether to tell him how much he has upset me.


----------



## rainbowartist

The week I got my bad news seemed to be the week everyone lost their tact.

My favourite/worst has to be my driving instructor suddenly getting interested on if my future husband and I planned on having children. He's aware of me being "unwell" and wouldn't let the matter drop after me ignoring the questions for ages, so I said "unfortunately it doesn't look likely I can have children"

His reply?

"Oh well. What about a dog?"

I was able to laugh about it...a bit.


----------



## Bumble Bus

Lomosso I've had the same recently.  A security guard at my workplace recently told me he'd noticed a change in me (pointing at my belly) and would I have some news?!  The more I told him no, the more he nodded knowingly and winked as if it was our secret.  I was SO SO upset afterwards.  I was just totally shocked, I mean, I chat to him every once in a while and am always friendly but that is so not an acceptable thing to say to a virtual stranger!  A girl on another thread suggested I say "no, it's the IVF drugs" which I think I would have done if I wasn't so shocked.

Sara your neighbour sounds like a pig!  Dig a moat!

All of these stories just confirm what we already know - if you haven't been here you have NO idea.  

x


----------



## keldan89

Bumblebus, I had a similar thing with a security guard at my work. I chat to him every now & then & mentioned when it was our 8 year wedding anniversary to which he replied 'oh, you've been married a while, when you having kids?'  by this time I was so sick of people asking stupid questions I replied 'we can't, weve been trying 7 years & need ivf' his face just dropped & he mumbled apologies & slinked off!

We've also had the 'why don't you just adopt?' 'Make the most of your lie ins' etc etc
Xx


----------



## MrsGorilla

OMG ladies, this is like listening in on snippets of conversations I've endured!

Got to share my GP story with you. DH and I phoned the GP to get SA and day 3 blood test results. We'd already had one SA for DH and knew there was no sperm, but we live in hope, so we phoned. DH spoke to the GP first, same results. He then passed the phone to me:
me: " hi, just ringing about my day 3 results"
gp: "yes, did you just hear what i just said to your husband?"
me: "no, but we know there's no sperm"
gp: "well in that case your test results are irrelevant, and if you want a baby you'd better find another husband"

Gee, thanks Mr Bedside Manner!!


----------



## BroodyChick

OMG Clarieanne!
That's really disgusting. You should have recorded him and reported him to the GMC.
Your test results are never irrelevant, what if your next steps are IUI or IVF, you need to know what is up with you too. Did he think he was being funny? I honestly hope he was just having a bad day, but I'd have been shocked too. x


Interestingly enough I've noticed that it's often people who are the least able to empathise with your plight who have the strongest opinions, in my case two separate gay (male) friends expressed a sort of regret that I am pregnant by a donor and not my DP.
Maybe in their minds, babies appear when you want them to and are perfectly engineered little miracles you can just take for granted, which just isn't the case for me.
In the event of those two guys expressing their opinions I really didn't want to delve into our medical reasons for not having our own bio kids (never mind the fact my frozen embies already existed when we met and he accepted them as I accepted his live bio kids), it was a party after all and not a medical conference or a counselling session!


----------



## MrsGorilla

BroodyChick, I did give him a curt (but not too rude because I wanted my results reply) of "No, the results are not irrelevant - they will show us if we're fighting one huge battle or a half a battle"

Humph. Silly GP. And he's like, 12.

Isn't it funny how people have the most intense opinions on the most intense emotional subjects, whatever they may be. A friend of mine lost her husband in the summer to cancer - recently, her husband's family have been saying isn't it time she got over it?

Makes you wonder what is wrong with people sometimes!


----------



## Trumpet

Hi All,

This thread is unbelievably horrible but funny at the same time this and the stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me!  I can't believe the Family suggesting its time to move on having lost a Husband 6 months ago!
I have already added some of mine on here but I also remember a female GP telling me when I was 30 that I needed to keep an eye on time as my biological clock was definitely ticking - just what I wanted to hear when I was boyfriend-less at the time.  What are we just meant to grab the nearest unsuitable Man to impregnate us once we hit 30? I only married 2 months before my 37th Birthday - but despite my issues (which I probably had in my twenties anyway) I don't regret waiting to meet the right person; someone who I actually want to have children with and could see myself spending the rest of my days with.  I wouldn't have wanted to have children with any of the idiots I dated in my twenties.

I think the clangers that annoy me the most are the boring ones you hear over and over again like..."if you stop the IVF and just relax and not stress about it you are bound to fall pregnant, it happens all the time" - they don't seem to understand this is the odd miracle that happens to about 1 in a million couples and for some of us that is impossible e.g. Like when you have blocked tubes or you just don't ovulate!

Trumpet xxx


----------



## Froggy82

Talking about GPs, when I started the IF journey at 29 and tests had established that I was not ovulating, my GP told me "you're only 29, no need to rush, you have until 38 until the NHS won't refer you for IVF".   By the way, now knowing that I have an AMH of 3,9 confirms that there was really no time to waste. And the year lost since then probably cost me my chance to have a biological child...

Same GP: I was at reception battling with the secretary to get my DH sperm results (they had the results printed sent by the lab but didn't want to give me the information because they hadn't scanned it… and they were already several days late, I had come to the doctor's twice for the results…), GP comes in the room, I get her attention, asking for the results, she takes the results, looks at them and tells me there was no need to do another semen analysis, and leaves the office.  What was that suppose to mean? How insensitive to leave me hanging after a cryptic comment. Just thinking about it again I get furious. 
This was a second test after the first semen analysis that had shown 0% morphology. Rightly so, we were very anxious to see the evolution after a few months. This was also after they tested the wrong hormone at the wrong time of my cycle and I had to wait until my next cycle to redo it. (as you know, when you don't ovulate, periods don't come that often...)

In our IF journey we've all probably encountered insensitive morons. But to me it comes as a shock when the lack of empathy and the ignorance come from a medical professional, who is supposed to care for you.

xxx


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

GPs really do supply some insensitive corkers  

Best to laugh at them, well it's that or cry eh


----------



## RB76

I have had such a laugh reading these (as well as being horrified.. I think the one from Loobyttc is the winner so far) .. However I think my friend had one nearly as bad.. where her friend suggested not to bother with treatment and just be happy that they had their dog!!! Oh that's alright then...


----------



## carrie lou

Yes our (ex) GP was also very insensitive. While giving my DH the news over the phone that there were no sperm in his sample (not the ideal way to deliver such news in the first place  ), DH said, "Oh. That doesn't sound good, does it?" To which the GP replied, "haha! no it doesn't!" And actually laughed   


Thankfully we have since moved to a new area and registered with a new GP who is absolutely lovely and very supportive   I just can't believe such insensitivity can come from health professionals. Surely they should receive some sort of training in handling sensitive situations?


----------



## Molly99

Honestly, the GP one's should go in a book somewhere and sent to government, they are truly a sign of poor training and allowing personal opinions to override medical professionalism.

My GP told me that I should accept that some women aren't meant to be mothers and that I should be content with step children (a statement also made by my parent's in law).

I must also have had the same best friend as your friend RB.  Until we stopped speaking, my friend told me that it only takes one sperm after I confided in her about my dh's vasectomy and told me that I needed to buck my ideas up and accept that I made my choice not to have kids when I  fell in love.  My favourite though was when I had a complete breakdown over our infertility and she also told me that I should be happy that I have a dog and not a baby.  She sent me a 20 point bulleted email about all the things that I should be grateful that I don't have to deal with because I'm not a mum  

People can be staggering, they're best avoiding.


----------



## goldbunny

argh those people saying 'oh you don't have to deal with.... be grateful..' make me want to scream, but to give you 20 points in an email! outrageous! hope you emailed back 200 points about the things she doesn't have to deal with...


----------



## Molly99

Ha, I should have done Goldbunny.  She ended the email with offering me (assumingly joking) her two boys.  I told her to bring them right down if she'd had enough of them.  She didn't, so I assume that her own 20 points weren't to be trusted!

Hope that you are doing well x


----------



## BroodyChick

Hi gailegirl, I sometimes think we expect too much from people who have absolutely no clue, best to stick to the non-judgemental ones or ppl who have experience of treatment (or any kind of medical issue) as well.
Your clueless friend (obviously not a doctor, is she?) sounds a bit like the girl who told me to forget about my frozen embryos and 'just adopt' because I an issue I was having with the donor at the time. Um thanks, maybe I'd like a shot at my biological kids first? She doesn't even know that one of my miracle frosties has stuck and it's none of her business. Just let that friend go for now and make some room for a new one!
You may be carrying a miracle baby after all, and needed her support whilst you're worried and stressing out, how on earth did she come up with dialysis??! xx


----------



## Trumpet

I am lucky that most of my friends are supportive without feeling the need to comment or express opinions but are there to give me a hug.  They rightly say how can they comment when they can't possibly understand.  One of my lovely friends said she finds it hard that this is something she can't help me with or promise me that it will work out as she knows there is no guarantee. I appreciate that kind of honest empathy so much more than those who feel they must express an opinion or feel they are experts because they happened to read an article in the Daily Mail.  One of my friends sat with me through an embryo transfer (she is super fertile).  She got very emotional and also said she felt honoured that I would share such a personal and difficult experience with her.  It really helped her understand what I am going through physically and emotionally.  She was quite shocked at all I have to go through in an attempt to get pregnant.  Maybe it would be educational for some of the so called "friends" mentioned on this thread to undergo such an experience.  Maybe we do expect too much but like most things in life if you have no way of understanding just don't comment - listening goes a long way!  I would never dream of giving advice to someone with Cancer as how could I as I have never experienced it, doesn't mean I can't listen and be supportive.
Goldbunny - great to see your pregnancy is going well!  Hope it all works out well.
Keep the funnies coming in...its nice to have so etching to have a laugh about!

Trumpet x


----------



## Blaggy

To be honest this is so painful that it's REALLY hard to laugh at but i'm sure one day I will??!!!
My boyfriend's brother's wife has had 3 children - all lovely. The last was an "accident" - just what we needed to hear at the time of yet another fruitless try at clomid (each round involving up to six trips to the scanning department!). When my boyfriend's mum (who is genuinely lovely, caring and thoughtful) found out about our ectopic and then the whole shebang about ivf etc, she said to me 'Why don't you ask Sally (boyfriend's sister in law) to give you her eggs? She produces SUCH lovely children!"

I didn't over react because I knew she didn't mean it how it came out but the words have stuck with me unfortunately and only add to the feeling of 'failure as a woman'. BTW, nothing wrong with my eggs... that we know of anyway!


----------



## Molly99

That is truly a clanger Blaggy.  I don't think that you ever really laugh at any of the terrible things people say but you can eventually see them for what they are and even chuckle a little doing what I thought would be the unimaginable and outing our loved ones for the emotionally inepts that they can be.  

Never cackle though.  A witch should never cackle, because when she does then she goes to the 'dark side'  (the phenomenal Terry Pratchett, whose books I have read 30 of and who has never mentioned pregnancy more than once!)


----------



## goldbunny

wasn't there a pregnant dragon?


----------



## Molly99

Ah, dragons don't count.  Nor do goats, chickens or indeed any animal.  Deep downer dwarves don't count either, or trolls or in fact any mythical creatures of any kind .


----------



## coweyes

I think in all honestly the general public are confused by infertility and think that it can all be cured by ivf.  The subject is far more complicated than others believe.  I think the majority of people know someone what has struggled but managed to have a child in the end and this is what they base their opinions on.  The amount of times i was asked if i had thought about using a surrogate was unreal, but the people who asked me hadn't considered that it may not be relevant to my personal situation.  Also now that iv managed to have a baby through icis pgd and oodle am now pregnant naturally every one has an opinion on how that happened.  It is a whole different world and a world that people have no idea about unless they have struggled themselves.


I began to learn the kind of people that i could talk to and i couldnt, towards the end i could just tell.  I tried not to set myself up for disaster by not telling the people that i thought wouldnt understand.  A few times when i did and got a response that i didnt want i only kicked myself.


----------



## Tigger99

I  can not believe what some people have said!! WOW! There are some insensitive people out there!

I'm just doing my first ivf cycle and got some great clangers from the people I decided to tell. One childless (by choice) friend asked when my due date would be. I explained that I didn't want to think about it as I didn't know if I would get pregnant and she was shocked exclaiming 'But I thought ivf was guaranteed!' 

Oh please  find me that clinic and we can all sign up!!'


----------



## goldbunny

coweyes also some people assume that if you have IVF once that works, you are somehow fixed and can now have as many as you like..


----------



## hilly35

Tigger if you find that place can you let us all know!!! 

Oh and what about the "well as soon as your IVF is succesful I bet you will have another baby straight away naturally!" That one always cracks me up. 

My sister when my first icsi cycle failed totally disappeared as she didnt know what to say. She has 3 kids and told me she felt guilty for having them. As IF i would want anyone to go through this and as if I wouldnt want my nephew and nieces! MAN!I felt so isolated. A friend of my husbands who I never met popped around and left a bunch of flowers for me (she has been through infertility) and her thoughtfulness made me sob. Just goes to show mostly you have had to experience the pain to really appreciate the simplest things to do that can help! 

In fairness I think I got over the icsi failure quicker than my sister as my determination to pick myself up kicked in. Us IVF'ers take a lot to knock down I find!


----------



## Melanie244

*Tigger99 *- Tell me where THAT clinic is pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!   

Clanger Alert - My Mother - sure what are you at all that IVF malarkey for?! Thought you were menopausal by now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Babydust to all


----------



## hilly35

Melanie STOP it - you have got to be kidding us with that one!!!

Wow!


----------



## Melanie244

Ha! *Hilly35 *- I'm not telling a word of a lie - they were her EXACT words!


----------



## coweyes

hilly35  That is exactly what happened to me.  I dont really have a come back either as i have no idea how i have finally naturally conceived, but for what ever reason it annoys me that every one seams to have an opinion on it.


----------



## M0ncris

I love this thread even if its painful.  Melanie, that made me laugh in disbelief, but I'm sorry you had to hear it.

Cow eyes so sorry you had to hear it too.

Loved the terry pratchett debate as well.

Hugs to all, 
M

X


----------



## Tigger99

Well I've not found that clinic yet but I'm sure if it exists then it will be on ff in no time...... probably just before it goes bust!!  

I've had the 'why do you want to go back to nappies again?' question so many times. Errrmmm ...... because I want a baby??

I got  great one tonight when I told a friend that 'my time is running out' and she said 'well I know someone who got pregnant naturally at 47'. I said 'great for her, but for me seeing as I can't get pregnant at 39 it unlikely for me that it would be happen at 47!!'  

Melanie - my Mother has said loads of inappropriate things. She means well (I think!)


----------



## kandykane

My eccentric auntie asked me in all seriousness if I could just have it off with the milkman


----------



## Peds_Gal

Seriously there are some seriously bad & amusing clangers so far! 

My most insensitive moment was when I saw the consultant a year after my first failed IVF, got a BFP but it turned out to be chemical, went in and he hadn't read the notes properly and asked me how the little one was! Awkward!

And the worse clanger was my boss, there is a standing joke at work about a certain chair & desk as every woman and man who has sat there has had a baby, so when I explained I was having ivf treatment he piped up with you don't have to worry about that we will just move you to the pregnancy desk. Yep my husband has low mobility and I have issues too and instead of trying to get pregnant for 4 years through ivf I could have just sat on a different desk and miracles would happen! Ha ha! Ridiculous!


----------



## Molly99

Honestly, these are so sadly priceless.  It is so important to be able to tell people that you've experienced such horrendous insensitivity.  It genuinely would never happen for any other illness or life situation...I hope.

Kandykane, my sister and her wife were asked by their adoption social worker why one of them just couldn't get drunk and find a guy in a club to have sex with!


----------



## MariMar

Wow, there are some gruesomely ridic comments from friends and family on here... We can laugh about it on here (and I'm grateful to hear others' stories, because I've had some real mind-blowing ones!) ...

From a friend who is independently wealthy, so hasn't ever had to work (for anything, seemingly!), and who never expressed any interest or liking for children, and told me once she got preggers 'I hope this having a child thing will turn out ok - I've never even spent or wanted to spend any one-on-one time with anyone under 18'...

I push my concerns and insecurities aside to be a supportive friend and go visit her and her week-old baby. All is ok for a little while, but then the changer comes: she's talking about all the help she's gotten from her mum (and will get from her nanny, no doubt!), and tells me 'really, I don't know why some people are so desperate to have a baby, they are an unbelievable amount of work!' So wait, by SOME people you mean me, and by work, you mean something you're not accustomed to! I don't think anyone thinks a newborn is a walk in the park, but I think a sensitivity chip is missing there... Ugh!


----------



## BroodyChick

Peds_Gal - you could make tons of $$$ out of that magic desk! Just rent it out by the hour overnight or at the weekends to infertile couples!
I think I'd be tempted to at least switch my chair for the 'miracle' one, see if it helps your FET  xxx

MariMar - your friend sounds infuriating. How you didn't slap her I do not know! x

Molly99 - maybe that question is in a secret SW briefing document, to weed out people who are serious about adoption from the ones who aren't!??


----------



## Molly99

Ha!  Maybe it was a secret question to test whether they really are gay!


----------



## Melanie244

My Word!!! & I thought my dear old Mother was insensitive!?

As mentioned previously, it really is a situation where if we didn't laugh we'd cry .... so might as well laugh 

Babydust to all


----------



## M0ncris

Hello All,

I've sat in that pregnancy chair at work and it hasn't worked for me yet (5 yrs on...). Perhaps the one at your work peds_girl is better...

Mon
X


----------



## Dixie chick

I have recently announced my pregnancy at work after a successful scan at 14 weeks. Today the cleaner asked me how far I was and I told him 15 weeks. His response? - "oh still early, we lost our first at five months."  Gee thanks! - I know m/c is a possibility, I don't need it pointing out!

Why can't people think a little before they open their traps!


----------



## coweyes

Dixie chick


I think we used to talk about our jack russells, remember?? ha ha


Its odd what people say isn't it, that response was far more about him than about you its obviously something hes still trying to come to terms with, but still a totally thoughtless comment.  xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## bambibaby12

Gosh there have been some real corkers on here recently!! Still makes my mouth drop open reading this thread.

I've another one.... Not really a clanger but still insensitive in my opinion... Or maybe I'm just too sensitive...

I've spent 3 days in hospital as started getting contractions every 5-15 mins and had some spotting and the pre term labour test came back positive so I was rushed by ambulance to a hospital with SCBU, (I was only 24+2 when this started). every morning I was visited by the chaplain and was asked if I wanted them to pray for me and my baby  

I was feeling quite optimistic and relaxed knowing I was in good hands should anything have happened but some people could understandably have freaked out


----------



## Flips

I hope you're OK bambi. The chaplain's visit would freak me out too, I think a chaplain's visit is pretty routine when you're ill in hospital, when I was really ill it made me feel worse though!

I've had a few insensitive comments along the way, one of which was my MIL saying that DH's niece had told her she wanted more cousins, and she'd only get them if we had children, so MIL told her she'd ask us, and did. We didn't know what to say, so just ignored it (we were waiting for an IVF referral at the time, but MIL didn't know). Fair play to MIL though, when we told her about the IVF she remembered the comment and apologised!

My most recent one has been my Dad, telling me that he hopes it's a boy on the day I told them I was pregnant. I got quite mad with him, it's taken us 3 years to get to this point and it will probably be our only child, how dare he say something like that! I know he wanted me to be a boy so I've already disappointed him once.


----------



## mrsbp

Hello Ladies!  

I've just found this thread and have a little story to relate myself! 
I must admit everytime somebody says oh i know somebody who went through IVF i always think 'here we go...'

But this one i just had to excuse myself and go the loo to ironicly laugh and cry inside!

I have this guy at work who had a baby and goes on about her all the time to me, (i told my team at work that im going through ivf so they know why im not in or if im in tears to leave me alone and just to get a bit of sensitivity towards me) Anyway. He told me last month his sister in law is pregnant through ivf and they have tried a few times and it was really good news, then yesturday he HAD to come to me to tell me that his sister in law has lost the baby.
Not only this he then had to baffle on for ages about how the changes of getting pregnant through ivf are slim already then u get pregnant and the chances of miscarrying are sky high!
He started bafflin odds as me and how slim it to carry one full term and give birth.

I felt like saying CHEARS ! Its exactly what i wanted to here !


----------



## BroodyChick

People at work can be extremely annoying to deal with, Mrsbp I totally relate - hope your colleague felt embarrassed after seeing your shocked face, maybe you should ask him to apologize.
I left a job because of an insensitive colleague and how this was dealt with by management, it's really not nice spending most of your days, 5 days a week with people who make you feel like [email protected]

Bambi - I didn't know you were in hospital hun, hope you're OK! I think I had the chaplain come when I was in hospital early last year with OHSS but I thought it was a lovely thought, studies have proven the power of prayer or sending someone positive vibes, and I don't think it can hurt. Maybe you were extra sensitive because you associated his turning up with people dying, but that's not what they are there for at all. They support the living just as much xxxx


----------



## bambibaby12

Thanks broody  I know that it was probably just my reaction and that's probably because I'm not used to "sharing" or dealing with things/emotions publicly so it was just a strange thing for me. I haven't been in hospital for anything "adverse" before so I didn't know this was a common thing.

Hope you and your little one are doing well. We are slowly getting there aren't we... I just can't wait now to meet my baby, (perhaps not this early tho  xx


----------



## kandykane

My mad auntie who knows our situation rang me today to witter at me about something. We were talking about my cousin buying a house and I said that we weren't planning on moving for many years (because we like where we are) and she came out with "yes wait a few years, you'll have had 10 more babies by then" wtf?? she's crackers and I usually ignore her but for some reason it really hurt today


----------



## coweyes

bambibaby


I remember the chaplin coming around to see me after i had had an ectopic pregnancy.  It was very kind of her but tbh the conversation she had with me left me very confused.  I wont go into it as i dont want to upset anyone but i know she meant well and she never judged me on the decisions i made.  She even called me the next day to see how i was doing.


----------



## bambibaby12

Coweyes, oh dear. Yeh it's a difficult one and I'm sure their job is hard and they mean well just everyone deals with things differently. It's funny how words alone can have such a lasting effect on you xx


----------



## Ticky

I got told that my infertility was probably gods way of saying I'd be a crap mum and that I should probably listen to the signs.....


----------



## Pudding34

Tricky I hope that you punched whoever told you that!

Pudding
X


----------



## carrie lou

Ticky that's awful   That's one reason why I don't talk to my inlaws about our fertility struggles, I'm pretty sure they would say god was punishing us or something. That or tell us we're not praying hard enough


----------



## ayah

Tricky that has got to be one of the worst "clangers" not sure it can even be called that!  So on that note, is potentialy fatal illness a sign that a person is bad and should not live? E.g not receive life saving treatments?  

For me it is nothing less than God showing me my faith.  Some would say God is testing me.  But He knows what is in my heart and if I'll "pass".  So in the end the test shows me despite hardship i still believe.  In turn that gives me hope generally.and gives me strength as He does not test us witha burden we cannot bear.  So if we are given the test we can pass it.  Also he brings use closer to Himwith  these trials, which He would not do if He did not want us close to Him cos we would make bad parents!

Sorry for the surmone.  Such comments make me mad!.  Tell that person aragance is not a vertue and guessing Gods intention is about as arragant as you can get.  PrehapsGod was making you the best parents!

Oh i feel so cross that was said to you!

Ayah


----------



## Molly99

My mother in law sent me a text meant for her sister yesterday.  It was the most horrible thing I've ever read.  She suggested I'd made up being pregnant and that losing our baby was a egomaniacal excuse for me to ruin my DH's and stepchildren's lives.  It was a round robin text that she was sending to all his relatives  

My DH thought that it was all in my head before. Perversely, she may have saved our marriage.  Feeling heartbroken to hear the strength of venom that she feels for me and that anyone could be so cruel about a miscarriage though.


----------



## BroodyChick

Wow Molly- that woman sounds INSANE. I really hope her nastiness will come back to sting her, she's really showing her true colours to everyone she sent this to. Hopefully someone will put her in her place. Just how does she think you could make up a pregnancy and mc with all those doctors monitoring you? This isn't the 1950s. I'm lost for words-hope your DH doesn't share anything else with
Her and you can get some distance. Did u text back or call her? xxxxx


----------



## Pudding34

Molly, I am simply lost for words, 

I genuinely hope you get to put her in her place! 

What an evil nasty thing for anybody to say or even think.

Feel free to pass my comments on to her!

Pudding
X


----------



## carrie lou

Molly, I'm appalled and disgusted on your behalf    I cannot believe anyone could be so cruel. As if this IF journey weren't hard enough already, is it unreasonable to expect our nearest and dearest to offer a bit of support? Lots of hugs to you


----------



## Flips

Molly I'm so shocked that someone can be so cruel! I hope your husband is being supportive x


----------



## Pudding34

Well said Gailgegirl!


----------



## Molly99

Thank you, you don't know what your support means right now.  I feel like I am on the precipice .  We didn't reply back yesterday other than my DH to say we'd got it.

I'm in such shock, I honestly didn't think that I could feel lower. I couldn't shake the feeling that she gave me, this was the woman who told me that my DH's children were the priority when I confided in her about our infertility a few years ago.  After all, she had children when she met her husband and, even though he wanted a baby, they decided that it was better to concentrate on the existing kids.  My DH wouldn't believe me, and I can understand why.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated that she has told everyone such malicious lies, the text contained so many more too.  I have made my DH sign a contract to say that I  have to be his only priority and that I've banned him from seeing the children too.  I would never and have never said anything even slightly like that  

I'm so sorry, this has gone beyond the realms of this topic. I'm sorry to hijack


----------



## goldbunny

it's ok molly nobody minds, we understand it is a shock! it does go way, way beyond 'insensitive' though! leaves me speechless!

i'm glad your DH knows the truth now and i hope he is looking after you. just don't waste time thinking about her, she doesn't deserve your energy. look after yourself.


----------



## Turia

Oh Molly, so sorry - and like the others have said, words fail me.  I actually felt sick in my stomach reading what she had written so I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel.  I so hope that this turns things around with your DH but no matter what, know that you are cared for here.  I'm starting to well up now as I know from your posts what a tough time you have had.  Sending oh so many virtual hugs             

Turia x


----------



## Pudding34

Molly

Goldbunny is right nobody minds and you never have to apologise to your FF 'a when you need some help and support.

Your second post reduced me to tears, that anybody, especially somebody you trusted could betray you like that really does beggar belief.

It sounds to me a bit of mother in law jealousy over your DH, sometimes they just can't let go and they focus the pain they feel on the person they see to be taking "their little boy away".

Infertility treatment is so horrific at times that it bonds us with our DH's more than any other experience and other people just cannot understand that strengthened bond and feel shut out by it, but that us their problem and no excuse!

Really your MIL should be pitied she is clearly a sad and ignorant individual who seeks to put other people down to get attention.

I hope that now your DH has told her that you got the txt that she is tormented by embarrassment and shame!

As I said earlier please feel free to share my comments with her and if they agree other peoples too perhaps if she were to get a glimpse into our world her petty pathetic attempts at attention seeking won't seem so clever to her anymore!

Don't forget, this is the one place that you don't need to apologise for anything, we are all in the same boat and come here to FF to seek and provide support so you can be rest assured that no apologies are ever needed here!

I truly hope that my and everybody else's posts have helped in some small way and that you will use this experience in a positive way and get stronger because you know what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I can tell you this saying has never seemed so real to me as it does now!

Much love and hugs

Pudding
X


----------



## BroodyChick

Like Pudding says above Molly, I also feel this is more about your MIL than you - she seems a sick and twisted individual obviously wrecked by jealousy as her constraints meant that she was unable to have more kids with her hubby - none of that is your concern, and you can rise above such evil jealousies. My DP also has 2 kids and his ex took my pregnancy badly at first, but life moves on. From reading other people's responses to this thread, initial bad comments frequently turn into a fierce love for the child when it eventually arrives (by whatever means), so be prepared for your MIL to make an about turn the minute you give birth to her latest grandchild. By which time it may be TOO LATE for her to be involved in any meaningful way, as you may find it hard to recover the trust.
The last thing you want is some old witch like her turning your child against you too, I wouldn't put it beyond her...xxxx


----------



## duckybun

Molly, couldn't read and run, words defy me! She sounds like a complete cow bag. It's such a vindictive malicious thing to do I can't imagine living my life being that bitter and awful to people. It's just unfortunate that she has to be in your life, if she was a friend you could quite happily cut her out and never have to have anything to do with her ever again. I really hope you manage to find some peace of mind in the fact that a least you are a better person and can rise above it, she's not worth the tears. I hope your husband is seeing a whole new perspective as as you say the silly mare has shot herself inthe foot!

Much love
Ducky


----------



## Pudding34

Here here Duckybun!


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## mrsbp

Oh Molly!!

Im so so sorry and sad to hear that!   Its awful!
What a horrible person to say something like that im just lost for words!
I feel awful that u dont have the support of your mother in law when u need it most!

I hope you and DH can use this awful thing to support each other more.

xxx


----------



## kandykane

wow I thought my MIL was a silly cow but your's takes it to a whole new level!


----------



## Keeping busy

Molly, just wanted to send a big  . Your MIL sounds truly evil.  

Tricky, similarly big   to you. Sadly I have worked with was too many cr*p parents who are very fertile to believe that kind of nonsense. There is no rhyme or reason to infertility 

Xxx


----------



## Melanie244

Molly - I think others have rightly been outraged at the hurtful text you received..... but you made reference to fact it may bring you and Hubby closer. I am sure it will.....but hard for him to realise his mother could be so cruel.  Look after each other. Hugs to you.

Hugs to Ticky too  ...and all others putting up with those who live in clangerville !


----------



## Jam&amp;Cream

*Molly*,  my goodness words absolutely fail me. What a horrible vicious character she obviously is. I hope you get the little one you so deserve very soon. Never in a million years would she ever see lo if it was me. X


----------



## 63053

OMG Molly that is awful!!! I thought my mil was bad when she said about our miscarriage 'but you've only been together a year', 'were you actually trying though?' And 'well for goodness sake, where would you put a baby anyway'!!!
I knew we needed PGD within 3 months of meeting DH, we had both talked about wanting children. And we weren't trying because we knew there was a 50% chance of passing on the genetic condition so we were actually being very careful. My sil was pregnant at the time and I found it excruciating. I was losing as she was announcing.. We also knew at that point what we had to go through to actually get pregnant. 
So now I play act for my husband but I feel such loathing for the woman sometimes, ignorant! However, for some reason, I think from something on the telly, she happened to utter (regarding knowing the sex of the baby and then losing it - mine was an early miscarriage so we didn't know) 'better not to know the sex of the baby, you are less attached then if you lose it' somehow out of my mouth came 'yes, well at least if you know you are allowed to grieve properly'! WOW! Without thinking too...I realised what I had said afterwards... She then said nothing. So maybe one day your turn will come.

So sorry for you though. That is really truly heartless and cruel. I hope your DH puts her well in her place. Hang on in there. The battle is long and the heartache is deep. Just keep going and don't let anyone stop you from fighting to achieve your dream.


----------



## Jonsgirl80

Wow! Some of these defy belief - people can be truly horrible! 

Mine doesnt come anywhere close to some of these but i was really upset at the time. 

I went to see my auntie a while ago when she had just had her fifth baby. 

She told me she'd had an argument with the consultant before leaving hospital because he'd said it wasn't safe for her to have any more children now after five births three of which were caesarians and he'd suggested doing a sterilisation. 

She then said " I told him to stuff it up his bum - a woman's purpose is to bear kids and I'd feel like a failure as a woman if I couldn't have another child" 

Err so I'm obviously a failure as a woman then - thanks. 

She completely didnt get why I burst into tears!


----------



## Jelliebabe

God I'm flabbergasted at some of these!  Molly leave Her for your husband to sort out,  I personally would never speak to the evil woman again?

The forum has auto corrected my swear word and put Woman in!  It began with B!


----------



## Tincancat

In 2001 when I lost my twin boys at 20+6 a so called 'friend' of mine said get over yourself they were only foetuses ...this was 3 months after I had to go through the distress of a full delivery of my sons knowing they were dead/dying and unviable.  You never forget such comments.  I had no more to do with the so called friend.  

Molly, as Ducky say above as she is your MIL it is not easy to cut her out of your life as you could with a former friend.  Ignorance over infertility, IVF, miscarriage is common: some people  want to understand but many seem to have a sort of arrogance and I often see this if people already have children.


----------



## Dixie chick

Jonsgirl,
I think that says a lot about your auntie's self esteem. Yes, we are all on here because we want to have a family, but to think a woman is a failure in life if that doesn't happen is dreadful. It reduces women to the status of baby making factories with nothing else to offer. Emmeline Pankhurst would turn in her grave!
This is peeving me at the minute because since I announced I'm pregnant everyone at work has been treating me


----------



## Dixie chick

Oops! I was going to say "like a blithering idiot" but I think I might have stepped on my own point by messing up the post! ^rolleyes^


----------



## Sarapd

I am absolutely lost for words Molly - well actually I'm not but the site will edit all I want to say so I think you get the gist.  I really hope your DH has given her what for.

I lost it with a neighbour yesterday whose daughter has just announced she is 3 months pregnant and has an 13 month old.  Her Mum said they wanted to crack on with the second one because they took so long to fall pregnant with the first - 6 months tops!  I pointed out that was nothing compared to 5 years and wouldn't even be classed as struggling.  Whilst I wouldn't wish what we're going through on anyone, I just wish people had some perspective and tried to understand.

I read this quote on another thread and it really struck a chord with me - "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."

Take care ladies.

Sara. xx


----------



## ayah

These tales just get worse.  Prehaps they should be published to try and explain how hurtful they are.  I fear that we would be labelled as just moaning and should just be greatful that we have this that or the other!

The MIL talk has reminded me of my dear neice in law.  My hub is Algerian and most of his family live there.  His neice has been trying for over 6 years.  They dont have funds for tx.  She lost her mothers a few years ago but had been living with a real live wicked step mother for most of her pre-married life.  The WSM is known to dabble in black magic ( she thinks she does anyway).  The wsm is rummered to be the caurse of my neice in laws IF.  Clearly she is not, but knowing someone who should care about you would do anything to stop you having children must be devistating.  

You would think that women would support each other but so many dont.  I heard in Boots during to big 70% off sale, one woman say that she has no sympathy for pregnant women as she had no problems.  Well lucky her!  It seems when someone has an easy time in something they fail to appricate that they are lucky, not  nessassaly normal!  And even if normal it does not mean they were not lucky not to suffer.  It was not their strenghth of character that made them cope, but  luck in having nothing of note to cope with!  If that makes sence!

I just hope that our stuggles make us better people as I truely pitty those with no ability to empathise.  It is a sign of underdeveloped emotional  ability.  It is the difference between the peace keepers /makers and the intolerant trubble makers.  

Peace 

Ayah xxx


----------



## Flips

I have another one. When I spoke to my mum after my early scan to tell her it was either a missed miscarriage or an ectopic she said "never mind, at least you can get pregnant now". Yes, never mind that my baby's dead, at least I can get pregnant by injecting myself with drugs that make me feel like poo for five weeks and by having invasive medical procedures. 

If we try again I'm not telling my family anything. I don't care if it hurts them.


----------



## Molly99

Oh Flips, honestly just   to them all. I'm with you on the keeping things private xx


----------



## holiday_girl

Flips that is super insensitive! I found that people often try to say something positive in response to bad news in a desperate 'silver lining' finding effort when really what you'd like is them to acknowledge something bad has happened and how you're feeling instead of trying to cheer you up. So sorry for your loss x


----------



## Dory10

Some people just open their mouths and rubbish flows out before they've even thought about the possible hurt it can cause.  I had my first counselling appointment this week and the counsellor told me not to feel guilty about distancing myself from people who upset me by being insensitive or just plain rude.  Although Molly and Flips it's easier said than done when it's family.

Since my mmc I've been told that I'm lucky because I can eat brie and drink wine - by a pregnant friend.  I also found out that a heavily pregnant friend has been avoiding me as it upsets her too much and that isn't good for her or her baby!

Mrsb is right about the silver lining comments, I've lost count of how many people have told me at least you know you can get pregnant - yes it only took 4 years ttc, months of tests, weeks of self injecting, egg collection, daily emryo updates, single embryo transfer, 3 months of cyclogest pessaries and then just when we thought we were leaving the 12 week danger zone our hearts were ripped out!  But you know what I will do it all again because I'm 100 times stronger than any of those insensitive people.

Dory
xxx


----------



## Flips

Thank you ladies. Dory, I cannot believe the behaviour of your friends!

I told my mum about the infertility initially because I thought she'd be supportive. I was wrong, and with hindsight I'm not sure why I ever thought she'd be supportive, as she's not exactly known for it! She then threw it back at me in an argument 3 months later, when she was telling me what a terrible daughter I was because I don't phone or visit often enough, and she didn't know why I'd told her about the infertility as it wasn't like she could do anything about it.

We only told our families about the IVF as it was going on over Christmas and we didn't want to make any firm plans to see anyone. We thought it was fairer if they knew why. Well sod fairness, the only person I'm being fair to in future is me!

Now it's just do we tell them we're not telling them about any future treatment because the pressure of them knowing was too much (a kind way of saying being dragged to one side by my dad at family gatherings asking for updates was too much) or do I tell them we're not having any more treatment, as one of my friend's suggested?

(And sorry for the rant ladies, everything is just so raw at the moment).


----------



## Jelliebabe

Hey Flips - I'd not say anything either way until they mention it!  Then say - we're not telling you or we will tell you when there is something to tell!

HUGS


----------



## carrie lou

I agree, don't say anything and if they ask, just explain you will tell them when there is news to tell!


----------



## Dory10

Flips

I'm not going to tell anyone when we cycle again.  It was too much pressure constantly being asked questions and I felt like a specimen under the microscope.  My story will be that I'm on a detox for the summer so no drinking, healthy eating and lots of exercise.  You are very welcome to be my virtual 'detox buddy'  

Dory
xxx


----------



## chocbunny

Hi ladies,
I have heard the usual about relaxing/ going on holiday etc including from one of my best friends, "I think the key is to have lots of sex" - oh really?!  I had no idea intercourse was involved in trying to get pregnant!
A couple of new clangers for you: this last cycle, DH's female friend who knows about our treatments asked me at lunch in a crowded restaurant if having a new niece "Was like a dagger through my heart?".  It still appalls me anyone could think that's an appropriate question to ask.  
Then DH, seeing me struggle to choose a dessert in a fancy restaurant on my 2ww due to worries about raw eggs, having already had to give him my starter because it was salmon and too pink, said "It's a first world problem".  What?!  Trying to follow the clinic's advice so I don't hate myself if this doesn't work (again) because we are running out of chances to have our family - how is that a first world problem?!  Complaining about having to wait an extra week for your stupidly expensive Brompton bike to be delivered - thats a first world problem, dearest!
Oh well!


----------



## BroodyChick

Hm, choc - first world indeed!
Should he be living in a 3rd world country, he wouldn't have had the same treatment for his cancer and may not even be around, or you two would be living in a slum overrun with little kids... but - huh? It's hardly a sensitive thing to point out when you're going through the perils of IF treatment...
Hope your next cycle is successful, raw eggs or not! xxx


----------



## Kaliope

Well, I didn't think I would join this thread but... here I come.  

We have waited for our daughter for over 2 years and now we are back in the treatment hoping for one more baby. And yesterday my friend (she knows all about our treatment and how I struggle with IF) just pointed out that she had her daughter "by mistake" but we are still unable to conceive... well, really... I honestly just stared at her speechless. Then she added that I should just be happy I have my daughter and if "nature" made us infertile then we should accept it. After that I just left. Well some people just don't have a clue how lucky they are...


----------



## itwillhappen2015

Read this and felt I had to share what has recently happened to me - have of course had the usual comments ( will you adopt coming from people who already have their own children - to - well you always said you didnt want any) - but i am honestly still in shock after this one.

So a good friend of mine  was asking me only 3 weeks ago how my last hospital appointment went - I told her and then she said that she and her husband were trying & had been for a while( they already have a 6yr old) she said that so far nothing had happened and if nothing had happened by march they would be getting referred as she had already been to GP a while ago but she already knew they wouldn't get funded as they have a child....................... fast forward 2 weeks later and she texts me " i am really sorry to tell you as I know what you are going through but i am pregnant " now here the ultimate clanger " I am 13 weeks but didn't want to say anything until I had had my scan as I have been really unwell so that's why I didn't say when I saw you"  I can hear the pity screaming at me!!!!

So when I am sat in your house 2 weeks ago and you are telling me that you will be getting referred for fertility issues - you actually sat there knowing you were pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! Why would you do that?? Her lack of drinking at christmas now makes sense. I just think why even mention she was trying and having problems when she was sat in front of me with a baby inside her!!! Am I being overly sensitive??


----------



## Tincancat

Oh Illi I just can not understand the reason for the lie.  There was no need she could have just kept quiet until after the scan.  What was she looking for when she lied, sympathy from you?  Unbelievable 
I would just have to have it out with her to find out what on earth she thought she was doing.
TC x


----------



## Haydan

That's ridiculous! I can't imagine what she thought she was doing! And that sort of lie would have turned your emotions upside down and back around again! 
I just can't understand that! 

No you're not being over sensitive; there's saying the wrong thing and then there's a downright lie! No excuses for that!


----------



## Pudding34

Hi Lilli

I was gobsmacked that your friend would have said such a thing to you, it just goes to highlight that people who haven't experienced IF simply just do not get it!

Perhaps she is one of those people that want everything to be all about them, we all know people like that, when something happens to somebody they know they feel the need to say "oh yes me too", even if it is terrible and/or completely untrue!

People like that should be pitied, if she really wants to people to think she is suffering with IF for attention or something like that then she is a very sad individual.

I don't know what your relationship is like but I have to say if it was me I would find it hard to be friends with somebody like that, she has basically belittled your situation and reduced it to the subject and contents of a ridiculous lie and for what reason?

I hope that his insensitive person has not upset you too much!

Sending you lots of FF hugs!

Pudding
X


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## Jam&amp;Cream

*lilli*, no your not being over sensitive at all. I hope you don't mind me saying but she is rude, why would you tell such a nasty horrible lie? I think she needs telling some home truths. I'd love to know what her excuse was for belittling what your going through. Nasty person. I do hope your ok  Xx


----------



## jane29

I've had a family member tell me that they don't agree with IVF and only getting pregnant 'the natural way' and they keep banging on about it its so ignorant, how am i supposed to get pregnant 'the natural way' with my tubal problems, they refuse to believe i have any problems though and say I should 'relax and it will happen' they are a moron! lol xx


----------



## rosebud_05_99

Hi
I had a friend once who had IF probs as well we text each other once or twice a week with a little rant about what had been said or what was difficult this week. Anyway one day i got a reply from her saying " just because you cant get pregnant dosnt mean other women shouldnt, its best if you stop being so bitter and move on with your life"

I found out that next week that she was 5 months pregnant and didnt tell me, i havent spoken to her since so she spread the rumor that i was just jealous of her thats why i stopped. And to make matters worse she is my cousin so is at all family events .


----------



## ayah

Just gets no better here.

Kaliop, had those comments too.  Some people think that the disire for having children stopps at one when you have IF issues.  But that deep desire can get stronger.  I've also been told I'm selfish for only having one or I lack faith.  Then I have also been told I am ungrateful, like iI can only expect one.  None of those insentative people willget to know my shocking good news though, as Im sure they will just have more stupid oopions to share, Hope you get that sibling.  

For all you ladies here trying still for that one miricle I so so wish it for you and if I had the miricule I would give it away to everyone with IF issues in an instance.  I truely pray you all get your miricles but if so so sadly that cannot be I pray for you the strength to keep going whereever life takes you. And that it is a life of joy and happiness.  And same for those of use blessed with one or more .

Lilli, what an odd  and horrid thing to say. She even embelished the lie with funding issues and a date for referral!  THen this friend text you the news!  Not even the guts to talk to you.  Looks like she forgot what she had said too?  Have you had it out with her?  Was she strengly trying to empathise?  Or did she have problems she didnt tell you about till she no longer had the issue?!  Still very hurtful.

Rosebud  you should at least expect some support from an IF sufferer! How crual.  It may well have been painful for you but she has taken from you the chance to be happy for her and enjoy meeting your new cousin once removed.  And ended your friendship and what for!  It may be more of a reflection of her own jeolousy in that she had not wanted you to "get there first "  all along and  nastaly assumed you would have felt the same.  l see your own double bundles of joy are almost here.  May the birth be unproblematic and you will be holding your very own  tiny beauties in just a few weeks,  oh so excited for you!

Ayah xxx


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## goldbunny

my cousin (with an army of children of her own) seemed convinced that when shopping one important consideration i should have is 'to buy neutral colours in case you have another one and it's not the same sex'. 

Because after 20 years of trying for the first one including three cycles of ivf and a miscarriage, i'm obviously going to get stressed if i have (by magic?) a second child and have to dress it inappropriately in blue/pink....


----------



## Tincancat

Madrid - this just thread just gets 'better'...your friend... the 
Yeh even previously sensible people can say the stupidest of things
TC x


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## itwillhappen2015

Hi everyone

Thanks for letting me know its not just me being sensitive! Ayah - I agree - why make up such a tale with saying she would be getting referred in March? She was sat there with a baby inside her! Why did she just say nothing at all - and then let me know after the scan she was - there was just no need to imply she was in the same boat as me. Just plain strange!

I haven't had it out with her as I haven't seen her - but to be honest I don't know if I will as I don't want to come across as being bitter - like rosebud experienced - I think they think you are jealous so I go overboard the other way saying oh don't be silly I am happy for you ( while inside I am screaming!) and i am happy for her that she got her wish but i am more sad for me than happy for her if that makes sense?

Anyhow - I will be avoiding her at all costs! not the friend I thought!!!!


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## Tincancat

Iilli I totally understand that.  You are happy for your friends when they announce pregnancies but inside you feel so sad...when will it be me, why is life so unfair and some have it all so easy etc etc.  The best way I find it when people are straight with me, just tell me and treat me as normal.  I have one friend who could not even be bothered to tell me she was pregnant, she let another friend tell me even though I knew she was trying again: I sent her text saying I was so pleased for her and a birthday card wishing her the best for the up coming delivery..... nothing.  She could not even be bothered to tell me baby has arrived so the congratulations card is still sitting in my house not sent from last month. When it comes to IF friends can be lost over the strangest reactions and not just from our reactions!
TC x


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## Vickytick

I stumbled across this thread but it's so nice in a perverse way to get these stories off your chest. Over the years I've had some ridiculous tales and if I hear the 'I know someone who....' (Fill in your own blank) ever again it'll be too soon. Everyone has a positive tale but that whole if you relax comment makes your blood boil.

I had 2 failed IVF, various other ovulation induction treatments. Clomid etc. anyway I found out through various means all the probs I had one of which is a uterine abnormality which was fixed with an op. Following that I got lots of people telling me that I didn't need IVF and I could have lots of kids now. Well no because that's the reason I mc not the reason I couldn't get pg in the first place. It's like now I'm pg once I'll be able to have 13 kids....and never really had a prob.

The worse thing is I didn't handle mc or IF very well and as a result of losing it one day &  having a huge row with my elder sister we now have not spoken for 18 mths. Apparently my reactions weren't 'normal' and I should have just dealt with IF despite the fact that she had children after 6 & 9 mths of ttc thinks she knows how it feels. No empathy at all. 

I've lost friends as people can't handle it or you and don't know what to say. It's just sad that it's still a bit of a taboo subject.

Xx


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## smurfy123

Hi everyone, 

can I join you all on here please? 

Been reading through your posts and honestly believe that until you have been through IF and all the testing folowed by referral to other clinics and more testing and drug taking that you just don't have any comprehension of what we go through and how painful it is seeing families and hearing of other people having no problems having families of their own.

My BF of 22 years had no idea how being around children etc, getting invited to children's birthday parties etc makes us feel till I cracked one day and explained how I felt. She has been fine since but for a while did used to get usual comments like "its all right for you going out and going on holiday whenever you want to, when you have kids you can't just do that..." Little did she know at the time we had been ttc for years naturally then found out DH had 0 sperm count so no other way for us but ICSI

Had all the old classics too - every wedding, family party etc dodging the its about time you two have a baby, it'll just happen when you aren't thinking about it...


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## WelshMrsD

Hi all, unfortunately I have 2 insensitive incidents to share. I had a surprise ectopic in August and needed to have a fallopian tube removed. Both cases relate to this.

No.1
After hearing about my op, my auntie called to see how I was doing. On me answering the phone, she said, "I heard what happened from Dad, it's very sad, are you okay?" To which, I explained I was recovering slowly.... Her reply was, "oh, that's good. Did you know that xxxx (her daughter-in-law) has had the baby?" And continued to tell me all about how precious and wonderful her new 3 week old granddaughter was. 

I still don't know how I managed to have that conversation without breaking down.

No.2
On bank holiday weekend, the first weekend I had managed to get out of the house, I bumped into a friend who I hadn't seen in a while. On asking the obligatory, "so how are things?", I answered, "not the best ..." and explained what had happened. To which the reply was, "Sorry to hear that. Have you been trying long?", to which I answered (being a little cagey), "a while". To which the friend said, "Did you know that xxx is pregnant? She's due in September. I can't remember the date as I know lots of people having babies at the moment".  

I think my jaw hit the floor. Needless to say, I haven't seen the said friend since.


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## smurfy123

WelshMrsD -   nothing surprises me anymore. People really have no idea do they!


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## Dory10

Ladies

You're right Smurfy, I don't know whether they don't think or are just so self absorbed they have no ability to empathise.  

When I returned to work after my MMC one of the first comments from my boss was 'how was today... (but before I had time to answer) Have you heard the lovely news since you've been back? XXXX is expecting her third, isn't that great' - cue fake grin and hasty exit.

Dory
xxx


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## BroodyChick

What on earth! Those last stories really make me question peoples' sanity.
How does a conversation about pregnancy loss trigger lots of 'happy chats' about other peoples' babies?!
Imagine someone tried to express sympathy about any other death, such as: 'oh I'm sorry your dad died, did you know xyz has a dad AND a stepdad, two dads, isn't that lovely' --??!   Nobody would ever say that, so why say that after people lose a baby? Makes me so cross.


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## Pudding34

Broodychick you are so right nobody would ever say such a crass thing in the aftermath of any other kind of loss.

It doesn't matter what kind of loss it is, the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a dream of having children which we have all had to face when finding out we had  issues with fertility it doesn't die completely but the ideas we had when growing up of meeting the right person and having babies starts to drift away a little.

The sad thing is that unless you have had fertility issues you can never ever understand how it feels as it's one loss after another.

For me it was the first loss of finding out we had male factor issues, then our first BFN whichever as actually a chemical pregnancy, then the second BFN also a chemical pregnancy and the most recent loss finding out that I have secondary issues that may have contributed to our two chemical pregnancies.

A friend of mine who had a baby the day that I started to bleed on our first 2ww compared my post cycle depression to her post natal depression I had to make my excuses to get off the phone, I have come to see that she was trying to be supportive but it stung me like a bee at the time especially as I had told her that I started bleeding the day her daughter was born and she was telling me that she has everything I want and got depressed about it!

I think we have to just look at it that people that say these crass things don't realise what they are saying and because IF takes over our lives we think about these comments more than we would have done before!

Pudding
X


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## goldbunny

i'm trying to decide which is more annoying/worthy of despair, the people who tell you 'i know someone who...' and proceed to make out that your tale of woe is nothing compared to X... or,  the people who give you the whole 'it's not all it's cracked up to be... ' type storyline (like in pudding's post) and make out you shouldn't even want what they have anyway.


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## goldbunny

maybe we need some kind of top ten. 
one of my votes is for people who make out all/some of their kids were 'an accident' and what a burden/responsibility it is, then in the next breath expect you to give them parent of the year award for having turned up at a parent's evening or mended a bike or any one of the million parenting jobs the infertile person cries every day over not being allowed to do...


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## Wass

My 'friend' who came with me to my little bean' s memorial service last year is now pregnant herself. She spent 15 minutes the other day complaining about not looking or feeling pregnant, then couldn't understand it why I made a quick exit!


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## Sarapd

When I told my boss my third cycle of IVF had failed he hardly paused for breath as he went on to complain about having to look after his 3 daughters, all of whom have been conceived and born in the time we've been trying.
Hope everyone is ok today.
Sara. xx


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## sarahsuperdork

Sara, that's awful!

I can't remember if I've said this before but when I told my boss I'd had a bit of a bleed at 11 weeks and needed to take it a bit easier, she just said 'oh well, if it happens , it happens' - as in, if I miscarried. I was lost for words!


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## Dory10

Sarah that sounds a bit like my boss - after I had my mmc, I spoke to her to explain I wouldn't be in and at first she seemed concerned - I later found out, as she said it to my face, she was concerned because she thought it was due to something I'd done at work - when she found out it wasn't she said 'oh that's good I was so worried!'. Even if she'd thought it you'd have thought she'd have the common sense not to say it to anyone let alone me.


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## jane29

One of the worst things someone said to me was from a father of 5 who said that i should be glad i can't have kids because they are just money grabbing parasites who take over your life and call you a tw*t when they get older! how rude and offensive is that!!! I think i was speechless!!


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## coweyes

Wow how rude and disrespectful towards your own children!!!  Shows what a role model he is!!!


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## jane29

Coweyes - you are right he is a terrible role model and his kids called him a tw*t because he never spent any time with them and has them to 3 different women i don't know how he thinks he is so badly done by! what an idiot!! x


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## coweyes

Thats probably for why they flees him for money then, cos hes an absent father!!  Personally dont believe that children are a a huge financial burden on you, there as expensive as you make them! What a rude man.


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## Molly99

I agree Coweyes, though that's a lot more difficult in step families when you don't control the finances.  Often things are already agreed and we are presented with a bill with no consultation or we end up buying essential things like clothes a million times because they never come back to ours and then the kids have nothing to wear.  Still, that's dysfunction for you & not children being expensive.

Even the schools are at it though.  I know someone who got presented with a bill for an 9 year old to go to Iceland for heaven's sake  .

I remember the good old days when we were shown the great outdoors and told it was free, come back when it's dark or when a school trip meant loading onto a bus and going down the road


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## Haydan

ah yes but we infertile people have no idea of the cost and we should thank our lucky stars that our money is still ours and we are free to go on luxury trips and buy fancy clothes and gadgets!    

put aside the fact that all parents to be are 'green' to the cost of having a child as of course no one can really prepare for it, but since when do we have all this money that we can spend on ourselves just last week i paid for all my drugs and the month before i paid £100 for a blood test - and i havent even reached the unfunded treatment cycles yet! 

Molly99 - my sister has the same issue with her stepdaughter - they have a great relationship but the divorce was a baddie and her husbands ex-wife is a right cow. if they sent my sisters stepdaughter home in clothes they bought theyd never see them again so my sister always send her home in the clothes she came in - any they buy her stay at my sisters house.
its ridiculous the things they have to go through and the poor child gets caught in the middle all the time but things are starting to get better.
I thought that might be an option for you - send the kids back in what they come in then what ever you buy for them stays with you.


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## Molly99

You're so right Hayden, though they come in shorts & t-shirts and it's 4 degrees outside, I hate sending them back like that!  

I feel so sorry for them that they are caught between silly adult issues and there are always tears.  It drives me mad though, I buy most of their things for here because I want to and I want them to be happy and comfortable with us.  I hate saving to buy lovely things, or our family buying them, and they're never seen again 

We should definitely get equal press on costs.  I spent £350 on an endo scratch the other day and it's completely wasted as we've had to delay our cycle.  At least you get to love and hug a real child as a parent, I may as well flush it down the loo at the moment xx


----------



## Haydan

but we are lucky arent we! pft! 

if they only knew theyd never dream of saying that sh*t to us ever again!

thats similar to what my stepniece turns up - though not as bad - leggings, t-shirt, little hoodied jacket and pumps last weekend - when i went round to see them i was waering 4 layers with scarf and gloves! well she only has to go from the car to the house so shes not cold for long. She doesnt like taking things home that we all buy her anyway as some of it has actually just be thrown away before! ridiculous - the only one hurt by that was the kid! her mother does some horrible things trying to 'stick it' to my sister and her hubby but its just the kid that gets hurt.

shes another one i would love to shake and shout at her that she has one of the most precious gifts in the world and she needs to start acting like she knows it!  

ah happy tuesday everyone! lol


----------



## kandykane

Before we were blessed with our miracle my DP was told by my BIL "you're lucky, you can play your computer games without being interrupted". Ah yes, Call of Duty really makes up for infertility


----------



## Ticky

^^^^ that one really got me


----------



## MrsGorilla

I was talking treatment with my boss the other day, and she said "well, kids aren't all they're cracked up to be - they turn into awkward little sh*t teenagers" I soon replied that as a stepmum to two young men aged 19 and 22, I had been through the "awkward little sh*t stage" without the natural bond and unconditional love a biological mother would have, and that I was looking forward to going through it again with my own child (I hope!) one day!
That shut her up. Grrrrr!!


----------



## Tincancat

Like the reply you gave Claireanne
Such shock em into sense responses  otherwise stonewall them are the best approaches I believe.
TC x


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## Mzmaary23

I got recently from an work colleague .... AMA pet person she ain't, anyway we were discussing about that little child that a dog attacked, I was saying the child must of been left alone with dog or something (I never leave my dog alone with nieces or nephews love my dog to bits and he's big sook he tries to kiss them anyhoooow... She knows about my fertility problems ... Long story short I got what would you rather have a child or a dog, I swear I held my tounge or I woulda snapped really insensitive !!!


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## Haydan

Morning ladies!

my post isnt directly an IF clanger but its p*ssed me off all the same!

not having a brilliant day - partly due to IF and a few other things that are going on with my family etc...

walking to work and some complete stranger tells me to "cheer up"!! 

now i have had these comments before - i tend to disapear into my own world when im walking and i guess i must look depressed when i do  but usually im not so i just shrug it off when people say it - its always annoyed me as that person has no idea what i could be going through - for all they know a family member could have passed away and im still greiving but they feel they have the right to tell me to 'cheer up'

well today i was upset and dealing with alot - i know AF is about to show her ugly red face and although it means i get to start my IVF teatment I was still hoping a tiny bit that maybe, just maybe this would be my month - but no. 
so when this man decides to stick his 2pence worth in and tell me to 'cheer up' i lost it - i started screaming at him (in the middle of the road i might add) how he has no idea what im going through and how insensitive he was for saying that to me! 
i was so mad i burst into tears! great Monday morning!

!


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## BroodyChick

Well done Haydan, sometimes we have to vent at the world!
It's his problem for interfering in your private affairs, clearly people who try to initiate an interaction in that way want some kind of reaction so maybe this will make him think twice about chatting up a woman next time.xx


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## Pudding34

Haydan you were well within your rights to tell him to jog on!

If people cannot handle being told to mind their own business they should just mind it in the first place!

I was continually having work colleagues and acquaintances, who knew nothing about our situation, telling me "it can't be that bad" and "cheer up it may never happen" well guess what matey it is that bad and it has happened and is still happening!

I work at home now so cut the problem out altogether!

More power to you for telling him that you did not appreciate his rude interruption into your world!

Pudding
X


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## harebrain

Heres one from work yesterday.

I was informing a manager about my plans for my next FET in a few months, after miscarrying in january, and she said, 
" i dont know why you want another kid, especially as the one you've already got isnt right''

my 14 year old son has ADHD.

she realised what she said and then was like 'omg, sorry, i was joking'.

I was just speechless.


----------



## duckybun

harebrain!

      you have to be joking, she didnt really say that did she? thats' unbelievable, how you didn't slap her I will never know...... 

ducky (flabbergasted)


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

A 'friend' of mine, after seeing us go through six failed treatments told me, after she got pg first try, IVF was easy it's being pregnant that's hard ....


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## Pudding34

Ooooooooooooh I would have done time for a comment like that!

One of my friends when pregnant said hey at least you don't get prodded  and poked as much as I do!  I explained exactly how many different people have had a look in my hooha in the last year and how any times I have to subject myself to this with no baby at the end of it and she at least had the good grace to look embarrassed and say no more!

Pudding
X


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## Dory10

A woman at work yesterday told me that I won't know what it means to loose my dignity until I've had kids... No love course I won't!

Dory
xxx


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## Pudding34

You should ask her how many people have looked up her hooha in the last year and see what she says to that!

Pudding
X


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## Sarapd

Love that comeback Pudding.
Sara. xx


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## Pudding34

You are most welcome to use it Sarapd!

Pudding
X


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## MrsGorilla

I don't know if this is really a clanger, or just one of those things, but there's been a whole load of babies born recently at the place where I work and, of course, proud new mums bring them in to show them off. I was looking into a pram (not even cooing or having a baby cuddle or anything) when one of the mangers said to me "oooh, look at you, green with envy - you've been married a while, better get on with it" and I just smiled and carried on towards the photocopier.
I didn't think it showed on my face so much! It wasn't really a hurtful comment as such, she didn't say anything mean, I think what hurt was the assumption that just anyone can have a baby by "getting on with it" and, when you can't, well...we know how it is, don't we??


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## Pudding34

Clairerianne

That was a changer definitely!

I think as a group we are so careful to be sensitive that we let people say such awful things that they would never say the equivalent of in other circumstances!

I think the point is they should really take their brains and common sense to work with them! 

I worked with a guy that used to say similar things to me after I got married and even went one step further to say when I was showing pics of my puppy to another colleague that I should forget about the baby substitute and get the real thing! I really wish I could have had a witty comeback then but I didn't sadly!

I work from home now so no annoying p##ks to deal with on a daily basis!

Pudding
X


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## Dory10

Clairerianne - Of course some people don't even have to 'get on with it' they simply 'look at each other' and fall pregnant - that comment really gets my back up  

Pudding - I'm going to use that line next time and unfortunately I know they're will be a next time as some people are so insensitive.

Dory
xxx


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## ayah

My gran, who well knows of our plight was always saying we need to hurry up and get on with it.  After i let her know that it really not in my control and we dojng what we can, in a teary voice, she stopped for ages.  Then at new year she said it again.  Then when we had a supprize natural b f p she said, well see well i did tell you.  Like she somehow was responsible.  Thinks it also cos they bought me a new car so i no longer needed to worry about it.  No it was the least of my worries, but thanks for the car.  I am still greatful but not sure there  isnt any science in replecing old cars and getting pregnant!


----------



## goldbunny

the only science between cars/pregnancy is that if you can get pregnant naturally, you can afford to replace your old car! 


ps bubble loving the new picture/icon by your name


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## bailey434

Bubble, I think like Pudding that I'd have probably had to do time for that comment. It made me bristle just reading it. 

My sister said recently when I was talking about how many embryos to have put back in 'well you only want one put back in as it's not like you want a ready-made family!' and I was screaming inside my head going 'actually Mrs-I-got-pregnant-a-month-after-coming-off-the-pill' that's EXACTLY what I want!!'


----------



## ayah

Goldbunny that is how i got them to buy me the car.  They have worked very had and got good pensions. So when they kept asking A when we having another child and B when am i going to replace my very old car, I did not feel to shy making it clear all my money was going on ivf, knowing that they may offer tobuy a car.  Love them to bits but they dont realy do tact!  Which i can have a laugh at most of the time but there are limits.


----------



## ayah

That came out sounding quite mean of me!  Just wish they could have put two and two together and offered themselves rather than bombarding me with demands i could not fulfil.  Still when they get a second great grand child it will be more to them than anything else.  Though the demands for a girl are now getting to me!


----------



## Arrows

I endured the usual 'you're too young to worry about all that (doesn't help if you have medical problems idiot)', 
'well at least you got pregnant so it can happen again (I just loss my miracle baby you ignorant cow!)' and my mother's classic comment to my brother's sat at the table 'one of you boys are gonna have to have babies soon because I want another grandchild (my older brother had given them a drunken surprise grandchild)'.

Unfortunately the insensitive comments don't stop if use a non-traditional way to become a family.

If you forgive the mention of a child:
I adopted a boy 18mths ago and at work we have a horrible canteen manager. She served me in front of colleagues and said 'how's your son?' I replied 'fine'. As soon as the others left she said 'See! I'm really good me.' I said 'Excuse me?!' Well I'm discrete, innit. I called him your son cause they was in here.' I retorted 'He is my son!!!' 'Oh, you know what I mean.'


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## ayah

Goodness that is ignorant.  A friend of mine told me off a couple who adopted then were blessed with a son naturally.  The adopted son died in early adulthood and her mother said,. "Well at least it wasnt your real son" oh my God!

Girl at work partner had a daughter that she adpted too.  When the daughter was ivery ill and my college needed time off work to be with her in hospital.  Our boss complained "i dont know she  needs so much time off ,it not like *** hasnt got plenty of other (meaning real) family to be with her.,  "  

Some people have clearly never known love or compassion. Oh nor intelligdnce!


----------



## helenwaters

After suffering early miscarriage, mentioned to my boss that's why I had had to go home early the previous day and HE said, "Oh that's a shame but it's ok cause you can just try for another one, look what happened to Xxxx!", referring to another colleague who was now pregnant after a miscarriage. "Yes, that nearly happened to my wife and I".
Nearly? And since when was it about you, you ignorant ****.
"Just try for another one" - yeah right, it took me 2 years, one failed IVF, critical OHSS (hospitalised for 10 days), a pleural effusion, pneumonia and a chest drain, followed by another attempt via FET to get a positive test in the first place? Really?!


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Ladies we really are all cursed with some   Least we can laugh *kind of* and share here


----------



## Maxi2

Don't you just hate it when it seems all anyone can ever talk about is pregnancy and their kids then they realise your sitting there and give u that pity look.  Oh how I have to control myself. 
And the constant moans about sleepless nights, demanding kids etc

My clanger: as u can see its male factor, I had my husbands sisters come around a few years ago, we were generally chatting about life and stress.  One of them had fallen preggers after about 5 years ttc, and she was saying I was so stressed when trying ttc I've got so many white hairs, to this I replied I have so many white hairs (I'd been married for about 8 years by this time) the other sister than goes oh what have u got to be stressed about! We'll only the fact that I've been married to ur brother for 8 years with no hope of a natural pregnancy u stupid idiot 😡😡😡


----------



## Molly99

This thread is so therapeutic!  Some people just can't help it, can they.  Maxi, that was just such a stupid thing to say, no one has the faintest idea whether you have things going on in your private life that they don't know of.

My DH meets up with his friends that he went to school with every year, the vast majority have children and it's very child centric.  One of them sent out the email to sort it out this summer, he and his wife had to have IVF but have a baby now.  He knows that there are a couple of us who don't have children and also that we can't.  His email said 'at 7pm, all of the women can go off and be mummies, whilst the rest of us can party.'

I guess there's a special room somewhere in the hotel where the sexless of us can go and sit, whilst the real women are mothers.

What an idiot (sexist and just plain stupid).  How quickly they forget


----------



## Tincancat

Special club that mummies/parents club ...exclusive membership where  you can become so self centred and thoughtless to boot!
TC x


----------



## KandK

I think the comment that most got under my skin was "for your age"    Every test I had, every scan, every dr visit I would ALWAYS without fail get your blood results show some blah blah which is to be expected "for your age", the scan was good "for your age", the number of eggs we collected was ok "for your age", the embryo quality was ok "for your age".  Seriously I heard it so much I nearly punched one doctor once.  I was between 38-40 years old for these IVF treatments, not a 70 year old - but they always made me feel I was some dinosaur with not a hope in hell of getting a baby!


----------



## jdm4tth3ws

one of the worst insensitive conversation I had with someone I knew was when my DH and I had just found out we needed a lot of help conceiving.

I was in the doctors surgery for whatever reason and in she came carrying a pregnancy pack and sat down next to me. she started chatting about her pregnacy and she knew our troubles, but then what she said next absolutely stunned and astounded me. turns out the baby was an 'unwelcome surprise' so she had arranged to terminate but when they gave her an ultrasound to date the pregnancy, a heartbeat was pointed out, so she decided then she couldn't go through with it. but she still wasn't happy about this little life growing inside her     

I was absolutely gobsmacked!!!!! I couldn't answer her and really felt like ripping her head off and pooing down her throat    

it gets better. when she'd had the baby she saw us in town and rammed this pram under my nose trying to show me her "darling new precious little boy" her words not mine! I just turned my back on her and wouldn't look at the baby - I couldn't  

some people really don't get it, do they?

jade xxx


----------



## Bunny-kins

Oh what a horrid person  It amazes me how insensitive some people are, it's like they have to rub their own perfect fertility in your face! 

My sister in law just doesn't think sometimes...I blame it on her being a bit 'nice-but-dim' she told me the other day that her and BIL are trying for baby number two ( btw...she announced she was 5 weeks pregnant with no 1 in the middle of my last ivf...couldn't she have waited!  ) she said they've been trying since Christmas and is depressed they've not caught yet. (Whilst clutching onto a glass of red wine! ) I told her it sometimes can take a while for the pill to come out of system etc etc and try not to worry. I suggested she could maybe try using a fertility monitor just to see whether her cycle is normalising. Well she looked at me in horror... Oh nooooo she said I don't want it to happen like that and it be all unnatural! Well I was gob smacked! I didn't know what to say to her as moments before I told her we were doing our FET! Sooooo I'm basically waiting for a phone call announcement soon...it's starting to become like de ja vu!!!


----------



## jdm4tth3ws

that's just horrid. some people are just awful!!   
I don't know how you cope with it, I'd want to crawl into a corner and cry or hit her HARD!

I think you are exceptional Bunny-kins


----------



## BroodyChick

Bunny and Jdm - why does nature even allow such people to procreate?! The mind boggles...


----------



## Bunny-kins

Believe me I wanted nothing more than knock her into next week    But I know that  she is just plain stupid and ignorant. Even if I pointed out her stupidity to her, she still wouldn't get it. Hence my nickname for her....nice-but-dim!  I do have a good imagination tho...and that keeps me going!    X


----------



## Alotbsl

Hi ladies, my most recent insensitive story. 

A lady at work decided to bring in her new born grandson into the office to do the usual cooing etc etc. I had to bite my tongue as I distinctly remember some months earlier when she got the phone call from her daughter announcing the pregnancy that they had a long conversation about how upset everyone was as it was going to be a boy and not a girl ( she already has 2 boys). Not too strange I suppose but she then made about 4 phone calls to various family members having the same conversation ' she is pregnant but sadly it's a boy'. I could have slapped her.


----------



## Maxi2

Ooh I can relate to that, but for me it's the other way round 'sadly it's a girl'. How very annoying.
Another one from me: my sister (has 5 kids) who is lovely and normally very tactful said to me not very long ago ' do u wanna come with me to pick the kids up from school, u could see what it's like...,(at this point she didn't know how to finish the doomed sentence) to be a parent' I couldn't quite believe what she had said and just smiled it off.  I was quite hurt thinking about it later, plus the fact that I'm a teacher, have been teaching for 9 years and often think about the parents coming in to pick their kids up from school and wish away


----------



## Dory10

I'm now off ******** but when I was still on I had the days of sympathy message strewn over my news feed for my friend after her 20 week scan as shock horror she found she was having her third boy - another healthy baby boy I may add, another stress free pregnancy and another pregnancy on the first month of trying - but no we were all expected to send messages of condolence that she'd not managed to fall pregnant with a girl.


----------



## ayah

All i can say is how horrid for those poor children who had no say in thier sex or conception to be dissaproved of by thier parents or family for being the wrong gender!  Not even born and not good enough!  How spitful! How would they feel to feel a falier cos they born the wrong gender.  If you want to choose dont leave it to "chance"/God, adopt.  Except thankful such jougemental people hopfully will be spotted and not given chanse to!


----------



## jdm4tth3ws

hah- do i kniw that one. i have an 18 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy and shock horro a 3.5 yr old boy!  my last 2 (1st icsi, 2nd surprise nYural) my mother in law said after id had 20 week scan what you having then so i replied another boy , big smile. and she just looked at me and said god you cant even get that right, good job ***** (my SIL) is having a girl! 
it gets better, she used to (doesnt see my boys anymore) frighten my 6 yr old on purpose, she thought it was hilarious! she ignored the new baby, and when we were all round hers for a.bbq, she kept taking pics of her grand daughter. so my 6 yr old said grandma are you going to take photos of us now? and she looked down at him and said film has ran out! i packed the kids up there and then, told my DH to get moving and we left.

the bous havent seen her for about 2 years now, and my 6 yr old still calls her the witch grandma!!!!

its horrid when kids arent good enough because of their sex

xxxxx


----------



## Bunny-kins

That's really sad!    That's really mean. I do wonder why people say things like that. My MIL has a grand daughter (SIL's child in previous story) and she says things like aww I do love her, but I do prefer boys. They're more fun! I do hope my niece doesn't get to hear that, it could give her a complex!


----------



## alig1972

My sister is pregnant and due in 2 weeks time (2nd round of ivf for her) and we are nearing the end of our adoption journey and this weekend my MIL said to me, I suppose you will go for the opposite of what your sister has! What, pardon??!! 
We will choose a child which is best for us and also best for the child and will know when we start seeing profiles which children we are drawn to, it certainly won't be based on what my sister has..! 

Ali


----------



## BroodyChick

that is awful about all this gender bias.
I get that some people think a family has to be 'balanced', but I would be just as happy with 2 or even 3 little boys and I prefer any gender to no kids at all.
It's just nowadays people think they can influence everything, when really this whole IF journey just proves to us that whatever you do, there's very little we can control in our biology after all.

If I am lucky enough to have another child, I really don't care what it is!

Also, don't you just hate it when people say 'your life will never be the same' (yes I KNOW, and I am looking forward to that! Who wants to do the same old shlt for 20+ years?!) or 'you won't sleep in any more' (well the kid does have a dad, step dad, grand parents, aunts & uncle...), or scare you with disgusting nappy stories. Hilarious! As if that would make anyone reconsider becoming a parent.
Even if there was a chance that on delivery my baby grew another head and tried to eat my feet, I'd still really want to meet him rather than stay childless!


----------



## Haydan

BroodyChick said:


> Also, don't you just hate it when people say 'your life will never be the same' (yes I KNOW, and I am looking forward to that! Who wants to do the same old shlt for 20+ years?!) or 'you won't sleep in any more' (well the kid does have a dad, step dad, grand parents, aunts & uncle...), or scare you with disgusting nappy stories. Hilarious! As if that would make anyone reconsider becoming a parent.


Act genuine and ask them "oh so do you regret having children then?" 
Cause I bet the answers no - idiots!


----------



## goldbunny

i am utterly appalled at the ignorance of mothers in law complaining about the gender of their grandchildren given that it comes entirely down the male line and a daughter in law has no control or say in the matter whatsoever. The ratio of boys to girls that the MIL had is more of a factor than any other children the daughter in law has.


----------



## Molly99

MIL... who'd have them?! x


----------



## Bunny-kins

I actually love my MIL to bits but she does suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome sometimes!


----------



## ayah

Broodychick I am going to be dreaming of giving birth to a head growing baby who starts eating myfeet   Im scared enough of childbirth as it is!  Out of interest, how far up the leg/body would it have to go before you might prefer not to met?lol

Get your piont.  Hard to believe this is 21 centry Britain.  Loads people assuming I want a girl.  Cos it been quite a journey to this second pregnacey, it almost that I would have a stronger preferance, as if its another boy, I cant just try again!  No I really dont care what sex it is.  Guess our children are bkessed to have parents who will love them just as they are.


----------



## Wisp

I have just read some of these and have been laughing to myself! It's not just me these things happen to then!?  

My most recent was while seeing a new GP, he asked "what was happening" with my fertility and I explained I had been told there was nothing else the NHS could do for us, as my husband already has two children, so no IVF (already had 8 months of Clomid with no joy).  He then went on to say that what he tells everyone in my situation is to "give up all hope and then it will happen"....I thought great, it's that simple, what the hell have I been doing all this time when all I need to do is give up hope!  He then added that the chair I was sat on may be magic as he had three other women "in my situation" who got pregnant after sitting there, he then joked that if it happened a fourth time his colleagues really would start to wonder about what was going on in his consulting room, as it was already a running joke!! Needless to say I was speechless! Quite bizarre....but there we go, a magic chair and no hope is all we need apparently!!

Then I've had the usual comments that others have probably mentioned already, "are you sure you're doing it right" OMG!!!
What on earth do they think we're doing! I'm 34 years old I'm sure I have a rough idea by now! It's so insulting.  Another friend who kept asking if I was pregnant yet, as she knew we were trying, said "what the hell is wrong then", I felt like screaming at her "I don't f***ing know, don't you think if I knew I might not be in this situation!".  Having to be polite is not always easy that's for sure!


----------



## Arrows

Wisp, you've really made me laugh!!! People at my workplace talked about a magic chair too and it took all my restraint not to say 'Does it have a magic w*lly in it that heals all ills then?!' Ridiculous!!!


----------



## Dory10

This magic chair must be having a whale of a time.  There is one in the offices where my work friend's daughter works.  She's asked, without me knowing, if I'd be able to pop round to sit in it - yep here we go freak show moment of the day the infertile woman is coming in to sit in magic chair!  They could sell tickets.


----------



## Pudding34

Magic bl**dy chair, my ar*e!

Pudding
X


----------



## Clara01

This thread is funny and horrific at the same time!  

After my second failed ICSI, my GP told me that I should accept that some women aren't meant to be mothers and that I should get a dog.   Yeah, right!


----------



## ayah

Ladies dont know why you are all dissing the magic chair?  We diffently have one.  But my boss is a ......... and hates me so i had to have iui for DS, then iui and ivf, with no success, as she wont let me sit on it.  In the end read up on sex.  Turns out we were  doing it all wrong (cant get pregnant standing up apparently) as now natural bfp!  

Back to that magic chair, after countless babies born from its loins, now two newer girls having trouble with having children.  Our boss hates them too!  So rather than dissing the magic chair prehaps we need to suck up to the boss!

Please note this all said in sarcastic jest, but magic chairs does exsist, just like father christmas and tooth fairies. Lol.  Mmm wonder how women get pregnant who dont work ?  Can these chairs be bought in ikea?

Ayah xxx


----------



## Molly99

Oh my Clara, do we have the same doctor  Is yours a woman too

Mine decided to share her simple life theory with me too, except some replace the dog with step children  .

Makes me so mad, they are meant to be professionals and care for us aren't they?


----------



## Clara01

Molly99, so sorry to hear it!   No, my GP is a man. He has never been very supportive, in fact he keeps saying that 39 y-o is too old to TTC. I could have slapped him.


----------



## Molly99

What a fossil  .  The money is petrifying but not being able to go through the NHS was a godsend after our experience.  Do you need him to refer you? Xxxx


----------



## Clara01

Yes, but when I moved to the UK I was 37 y-o and he said that to have treatment on the NHS I needed to be less than 35. When I found out it was not true, I had already paid for a private cycle.  
I sure would like to have a more supportive GP, and will def. consider to change.


----------



## BroodyChick

Report him to the medical council. He should be sued for emotional and financial damages.
Is yours a group practise and can you see someone more supportive next time?x


----------



## carrie lou

Well ladies here's the latest from my "best friend"...

She has recently had her second child; the baby is now 6 weeks old and yesterday I finally plucked up the courage to go and visit them. She knows all about what I've been through to conceive my second baby including failed IVF and recent miscarriage. So first I got, "You think you're tired now, just wait until you've got two!" as if having yearned and longed for another baby for the best part of a year, I will somehow regret it when it finally happens 

Then for some unfathomable reason she felt it necessary to tell me all about her plans to get the contraceptive implant because apparently "all her DH has to do is look at her to get her pregnant" (her exact words). I mean did she really have to say that to me

I then tried to laugh it off by saying if there was ever a silver lining to our situation, it's that contraception is something I'll never have to worry about again. She seemed perplexed and said, "But it could still happen, couldn't it?" I said, "Um, no. No sperm means no babies." (again, my exact words.) She said, "Oh, I thought it was just low?" No, not low - ZERO. Why else would we need a sperm donor?     

Just goes to show exactly how clueless some people can be. My mum says it's because she has never been in our situation but for goodness sake, you don't have to have been in someone's shoes to show a bit of sensitivity. Imagine saying to someone who's just lost their father, "Oh _*my*_ dad's alive and well, in fact I can't believe how fit he is for his age." You just wouldn't say it under the circumstances, would you? So why is what she said excusable?

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm actually feeling very hurt and upset about this and don't know whether I should say something or would that just make things worse? The thing is I'm sure next time I see her she will come out with something equally insensitive and I'm not sure how much more I can actually put up with.


----------



## Kelloggs

I have a good one... My sister got pregnant on the first month of trying... we had been trying for over 3 years and she text me telling me to "have lots of sex and keep your legs in the air"

Funny that because i thought all you had to do it get pregnant was to cuddle!!


----------



## Pudding34

Our GP lectured us on when best to do it to get pregnant,  he was talking to too intelligent people with medical evidence of a low count, probably because he couldn't be bothered to help us with funding! 

Carrie Lou, one of my friends whilst pregnant said you should think yourself lucky once you get pregnant you get poked and prodded all the time it's exhausting and demeaning! I just calmly asked her how many internal scans she has had, the answer was none! I told her how often a new person got to look up my hooha and that I was thinking of issuing season tickets for the frequent flyers and she at least had the good grace to shut the fu#k up after that!

Pudding
X


----------



## Bunny-kins

Yeah...I've had comments like that! I think it's because they don't know what to say and in their own way try to make things better instead they make it worse! 

My friend had a light bulb  moment once, just after my failed cycle... "Hey... Have you guys ever thought about adoption?!"  Wow, no, honestly that hasn't even crossed my mind...thank you for giving me the solution to my IF!!   ...


----------



## Pudding34

Bunny-kins that really made me laugh!

Not sure if it was ironic or sad but it put a smile on my face, so thank you!

Funnily enough I use humour as a defence mechanism, I told the season ticket/frequent flyer joke to my acupuncturist and she loved it,  I'm never sure if people know the pain I go through and how the jokes hide it!

Pudding 
X


----------



## Dory10

Carrie Lou -    I've had that said to me too - in fact my friend who has just had her third (all under 4 yrs old) said I was so lucky because I didn't have to worry about trying to get an appointment at the family planning clinic, apparently it's impossible to get seen quickly, a fact she blames on the surprise arrival of her newest baby 10 months after the second.  When I suggested condoms, on sale in tesco, she snorted as her DH doesn't get on with them.  I'm anticipating the announcement of number 4 within months!


----------



## katie c

carrie lou said:


> Then for some unfathomable reason she felt it necessary to tell me all about her plans to get the contraceptive implant because apparently "all her DH has to do is look at her to get her pregnant" (her exact words). I mean did she really have to say that to me?  ??


i remember hearing that one. but i got an add on of 'do you want to borrow him?' and this wasn't from a friend, just a random at work.

how i didn't poke her very hard in the eyes, i'll never know


----------



## Bethlehem

ShellyBabyH said:


> probably the most memorable was when my MIL told me I should use my husband's twin brother's sperm because, and I quote, "they are like the same person and no one would know the difference!"  I think we would know the difference!


The tears are rolling down my face laughing at that. Oh my god that is absolutely hilarious.


----------



## Molly99

Seriously, good lord!  Do they really think that you can just borrow someone's sperm just like that.  No complications or anything?!

DH once told me that he only had to look at his ex to get her pregnant  .  He'll have to live with that priceless bit of over sharing for a vvvvvvveeeeerrrrryyyyyry long time! xx


----------



## Arrows

Molly, I hope you wacked him over the back of the head!


----------



## Bethlehem

Owlgirl said:


> when my SIL finally found out I was pregnant (after knowing nothing about our fertility situation) she said "Thank god for that, I was getting really worried about you. I was going to suggest that I donate my eggs to you". *Yes, my husbands sister was going to offer to donate her (40 year old) eggs, so that her brother and I could conceive with his sperm and her eggs. Incest much??
> *Good god. Apologies if I have already told this story, it has been 3 months and I still can't believe she said it.


I actually can't believe what I am reading! The funniest part is that she probably thought she was being helpful!?After reading this thread I am sitting here just scratching my head at some of the mad comments, but this is definitely the winner for me.


----------



## nichub

Hi ladies just thought I'd add to the long list!!

I'm currently PUPO on my 5th cycle, my husband went to visit his female friend the other day who promptly informed him that she has 'accidentally' got pregnant to her loser of a boyfriend and she had booked her abortion! Now I fully appreciate that everyone has their own views on abortion and each to their own but maybe it was a little insensitive given our current situation?? 

Nic
Xx


----------



## Molly99

Urgh Nichub, that must have been horrible to hear.  I do believe in a woman's choice but abortion shouldn't be a form of contraception (though DH's ex thought it was).  Another priceless bit of oversharing, for heaven's sake.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I'd share that bit of information with anyone.


----------



## nichub

Me too! Oh well hopefully in 10 days I'll be able to say I'm pg with a very much wanted baby 

Nic
Xx


----------



## Bunny-kins

Ouch!! My word, your poor DH Nichub!   That's got to be the worse subject of conversation to have to endure when going through this.  There is definitely  time and a place for it. I pray this is your time sweetie.


----------



## nichub

Thank you bunny-kins, me too xx


----------



## Dory10

Oh Nichub - what a horrible situation for you and your DH - completely insensitive of his friend!

Sending you lots of luck    

Dory
xxx


----------



## nichub

Thanks Dory xx


----------



## wilberdoo

Hi all 

I've not posted here before but can't stop giggling at these classics! I have some more to add.

After telling my SIL about our situation (NOA zero sperm etc) she said, ah well just relax and it will happen.. Really? Does the stork actually bring babies then?
I could have slapped her for being so ignorant - ironically she is a biology teacher!  

I have also had the magic chair suggestion, and the best one from a consultant st michaels hospital before I'd found out about all my DHs issues.

I had had a lap for endo and was having tests to check all was ok with me.. How ironic now I think to myself! Anyway, I told her I wanted to discuss the tests as me and dh wanted to try for a baby. She lectured me for about 10 minutes on why having children wasn't a good idea and asked really inappropriate sarcastic things like, so I assume you have ****loads of money, time and energy huh? You really want screaming kids, nappies, and have time to waste?!

I should have complained but was actually quite intimidated by her at the time. It wouldn't wash now    How rude and where dies she get off??! Grrr

I also love how family members just think you should and assume you will be happy about baby announcements and all the lovely ******** posts!


----------



## Caz

wilberdoo said:


> I had had a lap for endo and was having tests to check all was ok with me.. How ironic now I think to myself! Anyway, I told her I wanted to discuss the tests as me and dh wanted to try for a baby. She lectured me for about 10 minutes on why having children wasn't a good idea and asked really inappropriate sarcastic things like, so I assume you have ****loads of money, time and energy huh? You really want screaming kids, nappies, and have time to waste?!
> 
> I should have complained but was actually quite intimidated by her at the time. It wouldn't wash now  How rude and where dies she get off??! Grrr


Blimey, if you wanted her opinion on how to live your life eh... 



> I also love how family members just think you should and assume you will be happy about baby announcements and all the lovely ******** posts!


That's the unfortunate thing. You _should_ be happy about them and you'd give the world to be able to bask in that happiness. But this horrible infertility thing sucks all the joy out of everything and makes all those announcements so hard to bear. So not only do you have to deal with the grief of yet another person doing the one thing you can't do, but you have to put up with the stick of everyone thinking you're a meanie because they simply don't understand what infertility does to your head. 



Nicub, I just wanted to say     for you.

C~x


----------



## Wisp

I remembered another one while driving home the other night...how could I forget!  The first Dr I talked to about wanting a referral to a fertility specialist, said "please don't tell me you are using those ovulation sticks! Throw them away, all you need to do is have good, healthy sex at least twice a week throughtout your cycle".....I was speechless, I hadnt realised that DH and I had been having 'bad, unhealthy sex' all that time!!!  I was too shocked to ask her what her actual definition of 'good, healthy sex' was!


----------



## wilberdoo

Hahaha wisp the mind boggles!!  

Cat I agree it should be a happy time and sometimes it is, depends how my mental state is! 😊


----------



## rubster

Brilliant posts ladies!!

Here are mine:

First with a friend who conceived her son through IVF. "I don't want to decide when we should stop", her "you have to. You have to know when u are giving up". Er, ok, I was trying not to put myself under pressure?

Second, fertility doc at crap response scan (IVF was abandoned in the end) "I think you should just be glad that you have one child"

Sister that I don't get on with "I know you are busy trying to get pregnant" (making it sound like we were on a dirty weekend away)... Once when I told her that I was feeling really awful, she replied by saying..... Nothing at all. Radio silence! On many occasions she lectured me about friends who just rflaxed, took an "e" and got pregnant!!! When u first told her we were going to have IVF she sound the whole thing mildly amusing and said "oh my god u could end up with twins!"

We had pgd at the prague clinic and when we went in for et we were given excrutiating detail about the 7 of our 8 em babies that were abnormal- "this one you would have miscarried, this one would have died shortly after being born".... Utter shock and surprise surprise the one didn't stick

Jesus. Peace and baby dust to all

R xxx


----------



## Tone

christ rubster is there no end to human ignkrance? sorry u have been on the end of so much.....


----------



## Gwen A

No individual story but and certainly not one to compete with 'IVF will kill you' but I am sick and tired of being told that giving up and deciding not to have children is the sure fire way to fall pregnant. The sheer lack of logic in that argument (if I decide I won't be a parent in the hope that it will make me a parent surely I haven't really given up trying?)


----------



## Wisp

That does my head in too...."you're thinking about it too much", "maybe it's just not meant to be then", "being a parent isn't all it's cracked up to me you know". Arghhhhhhhh!  I also absolutely hate it when people make comments like "do you have children? Oh you wouldn't understand then", as if I don't have a brain that is capable of 'imagining' or 'empathising' with what that would be like! It's like they think your brain isn't working properly either!


----------



## goldbunny

I have heard an annoying radio advert for some face cream recently that says something like 'I didn't understand how much my mother did for me until I became a mother myself'. I just have to turn it off! Why is it considered ok to talk to adult women who are not mothers as if they are all idiots/incapable of thought or empathy? The world seems to think adult women are either
a) mothers
b) stupid
c) really really young
d) really old! 

with a possible e) category of 'career obsessed/nun/mad cat lady' 

no help or support or even recognition of anyone who is 'none of the above'.


----------



## MrsGorilla

Ah Goldbunny I heard that advert too yesterday!! 
I would also like to add that it doesn't fit the case for those of us who don't have mums around (for whatever reason) and haven't had for many years...what about what our dads/grandparents/aunts/uncles/friends do for us? Eh? Eh??
Heaven forbid I wouldn't know how to use a facecream because my mum left us when I was a child! Good god, it's probably a wonder I even know how to breathe!!
Grr. I know we are all here because we want to be mums, but I get sick and tired of how mums are put up on pedestals - totally ignoring what amazing people other family members can be too.

I am probably reading way too much into this advert, but I am blaming 10 days of Buserelin for that!!


----------



## Pudding34

Clairerianne

I have had a really rubbish day, having to postpone my treatment starting for a month and your post made me laugh, so thank you!

Pudding
X


----------



## Guest

Some of these stories are hilarious and awful as well, I sympathise with all of you! I went to a lecture this week that talked about the difference between empathy & compassion (we need people to be compassionate, it's more active, kind and helpful!)

Shortly after I lost my previous baby, after horrendous trauma, a friend of mine said when hearing about it, "I'd hate to walk round with a dead baby inside of me!" (Yes thanks very much!) She had recently had her baby and brought her onto skype to show me. She is nice but not very bright sometimes  

Sending everyone here strength, hugs and future bright sunshine    

Merlin xx


----------



## rubster

GOOD GOD they are slowly getting worse! Cherish, WTF?!?!?

Pudding, sorry to hear your treatment has been delayed. That's SO frustrating, isn;t it? 

We considered using donor eggs about a year ago. For various reasons we decided it wasn't for us - when we made that decision, I went up to my parents house and basically lay down on their sofa and howled crying. My Dad was great, my mother tried but god love her I don't think she could get her head round the biology of it - I'm not sure she has a 100% grasp of how these things work! Anyway, about a month later she gave me an article she had seen in the paper (Oh, the well intentioned newspaper articles!!!!) - all excited about it - which had the headline "fertility for those over 40". It was about a woman who had used her sisters eggs! I just handed the paper back and said "Eh, it's about a sisters donor eggs. Firstly, we're not using donors, and secondly if she had any she would have used them herself!"......

R xxx


----------



## rubster

OOOh! And CONGRATS Cherish for your BFP


----------



## Guest

Thank you Rubster, fingers crossed!     We thought about donor eggs too and I felt adoption might be better if I couldn't use my own egg, altho I've been hearing more about how your DNA can influence a donor egg, which is interesting xx


----------



## rubster

Here's another one-

When we went for our first consultation in July 2011 I asked the consultant about side effects. He sat back, gave my dh a bit of a wink and said "you know, I think a lot of women make them out to be really bad- I think they are making it up a bit, giving themselves a green light to lose the plot"...

Seriously?!?!?!?!


----------



## Wisp

On my god...there are no words! Well, maybe one...IDIOT! (and that's putting it politely )


----------



## Clara01

Yep, idiot is waaaay too polite!


----------



## BroodyChick

Rubster - he may wish to ask the medical team who kept me alive when I suffered severe OHSS. I certainly didn't lose the plot, but nearly my life!


----------



## JT2013

I'm a teacher and my deputy head knows how utterly desperate I am for children, knows about the IVF attempts, etc. 
We were talking recently about a boy in my class and out of the blue she piped up "Well that's what boys are like and unless you have them, you really can't understand how they work" 
Nice.


----------



## Dory10

JT 

I'm a teacher too and people seem to think we don't have our own wants or needs with regards to children.  Last week a parent was moaning that she would have her (lovely, well behaved) 5 year old with her for 2 weeks with no school.  I smiled and made a comment about the weather forecast looking good.  She replied that as teachers we get the best deal as we only have to put up with children for a few hours a day and then hand them back and said 'I suppose even that's enough to put you off though as you're not having any are you?'

How dare she make a comment like that.  I know she is unaware of all that I've been through but even so at 33 how the hell does she know I'm not having any children?  Just because she was fortunate enough to have her 2 quickly and easily while she was younger than me, means absolutely sod all.  Her children are lovely but still it seems a pain for her to look after them.

The hardest thing is being unable to make a come back comment as I was in my professional capacity.  

Have happy Easter hols

Dory
xxx

Dory
xxx


----------



## JT2013

Hi Dory10

Oh my!!  Well done for biting your tongue, but as you say, what can you do when you're in your professional role?!  I do think I might have struggled though...

Since reading this post, I'm racking my brain to think if I've ever made insensitive comments unwittingly to people in the past...

T


----------



## Arrows

On the teacher front -I teach in a college and the number of times a child has come to me telling me they're expecting an accident -at the time I was working with special needs so the majority had their babies taken away and one was pretty much forced into having an abortion -I was beside myself as I had to remain professional and could say 'no!!! I'll have it!' which was what I really wanted to say!


----------



## Dory10

Arrows - I'd be the same - in fact I want to adopt any of the children that haven't got the best of home lives!


----------



## kandykane

ok, here's another. My friend's DH bought her a voucher for her and a friend to go for a massage/facial and she chose me (which was fab!) so I'm laying face down on this table covered only by a sheet and the woman about to do my massage sticks her oar in a bit like this:
her: so do you have kids then
me: er yes, one
her: only one? are you having any more?
me: (narked off at her nosiness) no it took us 6 years to have the one we've got so I shouldn't think so
her: that's funny because I got pregnant really quickly
     like I want to hear that!!


----------



## BroodyChick

If you can bear it, here's a funny American thread of what doctors say to pregnant women and those suffering miscarriages: http://myobsaidwhat.com

/links


----------



## Tigger99

I got a great one from someone in church on Easter Sunday morning today. But I have to let them off because they didn't know I was trying I guess.....

She stated that she had a friend who DH had zero sperm count but after getting rid of their microwave oven and taking some (unspecified) vitamins they conceived. Makes me wonder what they were doing with the microwave oven??


----------



## wilberdoo

tigger that's hilarious!


----------



## Dory10

Oh no!  So we're not supposed to get jiggy in the microwave? So that's where we've been going wrong!


----------



## Jelliebabe

Ping!


----------



## Jonsgirl80

Heard something today that sent me into an absolute rage.

I was sat in a cafe having lunch with my hubby and little boy, on the table behind us were a group of young girls - the stupid, shallow, giggly type that just rub me up the wrong way anyway.

They were talking about babies and how they didn't want to get pregnant because "you just get fat and lose your looks" errr thanks!

One of them was talking about all the times she's been "caught" but it was no problem because she had just gone to the clinic and got it "sorted" Then one of them went on to say if she ever got pregnant she would "just sort it out herself by pulling it out with a coat hanger" 

The other one said that her boyfriend was desperate for kids but it was never going to happen as she was just going to secretly keep taking the pill and if he got suspicious she would just tell him she was infertile!! 

I mean what the actual f*@k??!! Are people like this actually for real?? I really really hope that conversation doesn't come back to haunt them in a few years when they've maybe grown up a bit because I wouldn't wish infertility on ANYONE! 

Hubby saw the look on my face and got me out of there sharp ish because I was really working myself up to putting the stupid      in their place. If little one hadn't been with me I would probably already have launched myself at them!!


----------



## Molly99

Stupid girls Jonsgirl  .  The whole spectrum of fertility (including infertility) should be part of the curriculum at some stage and then perhaps we wouldn't all grow up so ignorant until it's too late.  I shudder to think what I used to say when I was their age  

Another Mum blunder for me.  A week after our failed cycle, my Mum had a big party.  She thought that she'd share with me how convinced her friends were that I was pregnant.  Depressing in so many ways, not least that it was really hard to go to a party after such disappointment and the dress (that I thought was so lovely) actually clearly made me look huge


----------



## Dory10

Molly xxx


----------



## Owlgirl

I was lucky enough to have a baby this year after IVF (at age 39 after trying for many yrs), but I soon found that I have had to brace myself with every midwife appointment, as every single time they insist on talking to me about contraception. GOD knows why they can't remember / don't check my notes / whatever but I have had to endure the same lecture about not getting pregnant! arghh!! Yes, I am 39, first child, married for 14 years,  I think I am pretty good at not getting pregnant, don't you? Thanks very much! *bites tongue*


----------



## carrie lou

Mmm, after my son was born my midwife asked me at one of the postnatal visits what form of contraception we planned to use. I said none since we needed fertility treatment to have him. She said, well it's quite common for people who need tx to conceive their first to go on to have their second naturally and easily. Not sure if I had to spell it out for her but no sperm = no babies! Why else would we have needed a sperm donor? Unless I am visited by the angel Gabriel it simply isn't going to happen for us!


----------



## Dory10

Carrie - After my mc everyone was very keen to tell me that I was now super fertile so should start having sex straight away because I was bound to fall pregnant - our issue however has  never been my fertility so really I could be as super fertile as anything but with DH's sperm count that hasn't been over 600,000 in over a year and has been 0 and of those they don't move very well...  Not the most helpful comments at the time!


----------



## BroodyChick

Lol girls! Carrie Lou, I do hope for a visit from the Angel Gabriel for you and me both 

I also don't plan on using contraception after the birth of my baby boy, as I am desperate to have another one. With DP's issues I really doubt this will work for us however, so I shall quiz any midwife or health visitor on the best ways to ensure I get pregnant again naturally without actually getting any sperm inside me. Maybe they have an interesting tip!??


----------



## Maxi2

Hi
Another insensitive comment from the in laws. Sitting with my sister in laws. One of whom said to me you know people complain when they have got kids and when they haven't, another of them then chipped in, yeh people are never happy.  I just nodded and said yeh true.  Wish I had been more quick witted and said how u can compare the moaning whims of those who have got kids with the desperate need for those who haven't and would give anything to be a mother is beyond me.  Stupid ignorant people.  Aaaargh


----------



## JT2013

How could I forget the acupuncturist (who knew she was treating me for fertility problems) telling me she had to get her tubes tied because her husband only had to look at her for her to be pregnant.  I never went back...


----------



## Turia

On Friday during their appraisal, a staff member told me that the reason that they had had such a bad and stressful year since last summer was because I wasn't there to support them...because I was off having had a miscarriage.

I was off 2 weeks annual leave (having treatment in Spain but still answering e-mails) and on my first day back at work I had the m/c (which is why everyone knows).  I only took a week off afterwards...

I stopped the tears from falling by telling myself that they don't realise what they are saying.  Every part of me screamed "appraisal over - get out my office now!" but instead I smiled supportingly and kept my head down pretending to write copious notes until the tears stopped welling.

But over the weekend I've remembered that this wasn't the first time that they had said this to me - so now I am angry  .

Turia x


----------



## Pudding34

Turia

That moronic idiot should be penalised for trying to blame their failings on somebody who has suffered tragic loss, they are pathetic!

They would never have said such a thing if you had been off work for some other medical reason.

I am angry on your behalf and given half a chance I would like to think that I could say to that human leech that they aren't worth your time of day and I pray to god that they never have to suffer as you have as if that is their attitude they will never survive it!

Lots of FF love to you I hope you are feeling better about it they really aren't worth your time or energy!

Pudding
X


----------



## Turia

Hi Pudding

Many thanks for your support!  I do feel better today and luckily they are now on a/l for a week...  I do genuinely think that he just didn't realise what he was saying as I know he would never hurt anyone intentionally.  It just didn't make it any easier to hear and led me to having far too many glasses of wine on Friday night  

Turia x


----------



## Wisp

*Turia*, I read that this wasn't the first time this person has said something like this to you, if it comes up again maybe you should put it right back to them and ask how they can begin to develop was to support themselves at stressful times as you cant and wont always be there! They need to take responsibility for themselves, not try and blame it on your absence!

*JT2013 * - How insensitive was that!? My acupuncturist gave me my last lot of chinese herbs in a Mothercare bag!


----------



## littlecat83

I had a bit of a clanger the other day too. 

I met a girl who I used to work with for a coffee with her gorgeous little girl who is now 9 months. I know that she tried for about 3 1/2 to 4 years to get pregnant so I was a bit shocked when I was telling her that we're close to starting treatment and she said 'oh it'll probably just happen naturally now you're starting treatment. That usually happens doesn't it'. 

Errrrrrrm. My partner has a 2 million sperm count, less most of the time. I don't think that our bodies are going to go 'oo you're just about to start IVF. Now's the time to give him a completely normal sperm count and get you good and pregnant within the next 6 weeks'.

Grrrr.


----------



## JT2013

Wisp, I'm sorry but that made me howl!!  xx


----------



## Wisp

JT, you saying it made you howl just made me howl too, ha, ha!  You gotta laugh .


----------



## Dudders

At least you know you can get pregnant

Now there's a phrase you don't need to hear before, during or after a miscarriage.  That even came from a consultant after she'd just taken my tube away when it ruptured at 10 weeks - after IVF to get that far.  I'm expecting to hear that phrase a lot soon .... Along with

You have ONLY had two miscarriages

And this is from medical professionals


----------



## bombsh3ll

That's awful Dudders! Health professionals really ought to undergo sensitivity training.

When I attended the EPU for a scan following bleeding in early pregnancy, having been there several months previously with a miscarriage after my first cycle, one nurse asked why I "kept going abroad having IVF".

I wonder whether she asks all the women miscarrying after natural conception why they keep having sex?

B xxx


----------



## Wisp

These are such awful things to hear from people you'd expect to 'get it'!


----------



## Sarapd

Mine isn't an intentional flanger but amusing all the same.

I was in a hospital waiting room waiting to see an orthopaedic consultant about my dodgy knee. Whilst I was sitting there one of the nurses asked is I was waiting to be seen in the contraception clinic! 

Sara. xx


----------



## Molly99

Oh Sara  

Not an intentional one here too but I was sobbing on the way home after ultra long e-mail from my 8.5 month pregnant friend.  I repeated a little of it to DH and he said 'ah, I remember Braxton hicks' .... thinking of his two pregnancies with his ex girlfriend.

I mean, come on!  There is appropriate timing but also just the plain fact that there are things (like he only had to look at her to get her pregnant) that I JUST DON'T NEED TO KNOW  

I had to look it up


----------



## Wisp

Arghhh Molly, why don't they think before they speak sometimes! I'm sorry you had to hear that on top of the email  .


----------



## Tigger99

Oh what is wrong with people? Why don't they think!

Dudders / Bombsh - I had a similar experience when I was having my last mc after ivf. The doctor was checking what drugs I was on before they wheeled me off for my emergency lap for my 'ectopic'. I told her I was on progesterone, pred, baby aspirin and clexane. She looked at me oddly and stated that only one of those drugs was doing anything and the rest was a waste!  And  then she muttered something about unethical clinics. I said to her that immunes is a controversial area of medicine but now wasn't the time to get into it. Who's she to judge when she knows nothing about my medical history? And more importantly I don't think it's appropriate to start a debate over immunes when I'm just about to have surgery for a potential life threatening ectopic!

I have had the tests since and yes I have over active nk cells and auto immune stuff going on. I do need the pred, clexane and baby aspirin!!! Grrrr!!?


----------



## Dory10

I think when health professionals act ignorantly it makes it so much worse.  Yet again today I have had to explain why my LMP date is completely irrelevant - surely if I understand this as someone with no medical training then a qualified midwife, nurse or doctor should?


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I will laugh if the GP wants to talk contraception at my 6 week check up.


----------



## Trumpet

Hi All, when I thought people couldn't get more insensitive!
My MIL called today and bluntly asked what is happening with the baby situation.  When I said that I had finally got the all clear on my thyroid problems so we could resume treatment in the next few weeks she made a disapproving grunting noise and proceeded to tell us that she is changing her will from leaving her assets to her "grandchildren" (i.e to cover for the eventuality of any future grandchildren) to naming the two she currently has from my SIL.  When my DH said that when we have children she can add them on she just said well "we have no idea if you will ever have children so there is no point considering it".  I found this so hurtful as she clearly doesn't believe we will have kids but also if she left the Will as it is if we never have kids the two she currently has would still get what is due to them.  I don't see the point of the change and even less so why she would tell us.  It's like she is saying that one she doesn't believe we will have them and two even if we do they won't be as important as her current grandchildren which is why she wants to specifically name them as the benefactors.  It's not the money but the principle that she could be so insensitive and hurtful.  She has never approved of us doing IVF as she thinks we are interfering with nature and my Husband believes that even if we are successful she will think our children are defective in some way just like she thinks I am defective because I can't get pregnant.  I went from feeling really happy and positive about the future to just feeling horrible!

I don't think I want to speak to the woman for quite some time.

Trumpet xxx


----------



## Tigger99

Oh Trumpet! That is awful! Talk about a slap in the face. Why change the will??


----------



## MaryB_123

The things people say are crazy sometimes aren't they?! I think all stories that end "and then they got pregnant _naturally_" should be banned. Maybe we need to carry the QI 'klaxon' to alert our friends and family when they make a clanger.

xx


----------



## MaryB_123

Trumpet, that's horrible - I definitely think some time away from MIL is in order.  Hopefully she'll realise how hurtful that was without you having to do anything to alert her to it
x


----------



## Jelliebabe

Yes like oh telling her! Cowbag!


----------



## Dory10

Trumpet - I think it is a MIL thing, mine is horrendous!  

Dory
xxx


----------



## Trumpet

Thanks Ladies, feeling less upset and angry today as I am not going to waste my emotions on such a mean spirited Woman!  To think she wonders why her own Son can't bear to spend time with her.  Good luck to the rest of you with miserable in laws.

Trumpet xxx


----------



## Wisp

She sounds so bitter! It was just plain spiteful to say that about the will, like you say it would make no difference to include 'any/all grandchildren' rather than name them specifically. It sounds like an excuse for a huge dig, what a nasty thing to do.  Sorry you had to go through that and glad you're feeling better .

I havent heard any awful ones lately, thankfully, but my friend often says that phrase 'what's happening with the baby situation'...I hate that! Nothing is happening that's the problem!


----------



## Haydan

I never really thought of it like that but yeh that phrase "what's happening with the baby situation?" Does make me want the earth to open up and swallow me rather than have to keep answering that question! But can't really be angry at people for taking an interest; it's a hell of a lot more than what we get from his mother! 

Ah good times! 😏


----------



## Pollywally

Wow, reading this thread highlights just how many ignorant and insensitive people there are out there. One occasion which made my blood boil was when we were having dinner with DH's family. They are all fully aware of everything we have been through. My BIL randomly brought up the subject of adoption and how wonderful it worked for one of their neighbours. Then DH's mum's partner (a right old know-it-all busy body sort) piped up and said well having adopted his kids (all of 40 years ago) he knows more than enough about adoption and if 'anyone' wanted to find out more about it to let him know. It was clearly aimed at us - this said over the dinner table. I practically froze with anger as he said it. Couldn't stand the man - I dislike him even more so now! Then my dad came out with the classic once and I am struggling to forgive him for it - he told me once 'there are thousands and thousands of people out there who can't have kids and they get on with it so you should stop moaning and be grateful for what you've got!'.

There are others but I don't want to go on and on. I saw an article about IVF in the Daily Mail today and I found some of the comments people have left about it really hurtful. I try my best to forget these ignorant comments but honestly it is so difficult! x


----------



## BroodyChick

Oh Polly, you've had some really rough ones! I'm amazed those people are still breathing after saying that to you.
I think there was a website on 'what not to say to people going through IF/IVF' and maybe you should email that link to your dad and friend in particular. Where on earth does she get the medical 'knowledge' from to make such a nasty comment about your mc? She is so ignorant! It's a very common thing to happen unfortunately, and if she had any sense she'd have found out by now that 95% of women who lose a pregnancy go on to have a healthy baby.
Your dad just sounds horrid, if you were having treatment for cancer would he tell you not to bother and that you should be grateful about all your body parts which aren't affected!!? Your mums partner may have wanted to be genuinely helpful, although his 'knowledge' will be seriously out of date. Still if you were going through an adoption process it may be worth having a chat with him but this isn't what you're doing at all so he should keep it zipped.
Hope you can come up with some witty replies to the next moron who says something stupid! You seem to be surrounded by them xxx


----------



## Pollywally

Thanks for your reply Broodychick. I'm now at the stage where if anyone dare say anything else to my face I will let loose - no reservations about that!


----------



## Trumpet

Thanks Wisp - you are right about my MIL! I have avoided her since and plan to for the next 2 months if I can as last thing I need is her upsetting me when I am on a cycle. Polly - sorry you have had to endure so many insensitive comments.  I know people often mean well but it's when they suggest things thinking it would never have occurred to you which frustrates me!  We all consider every option at some point so people suggesting adoption, surrogacy, egg donor, not having kids at all really isn't necessary!  Good luck Broodychick - nice to see you made it!
Trumpet xxx


----------



## Lolem

Does an advert for cow and gate baby club on an infertility forum count as a clanger?


----------



## hilly35

Ha ha ha - LOLEM was just thinking the same when I saw your post - I mean come on!


----------



## Dramaqueen88

Magazine in a private clinic with pregnant celebs slashed on the front page?


----------



## poppy05

I had a corker on fri at work, i was telling one of my clients about our tx, we are a same sex couple, and she said to me ' so how will you feel about sharing your baby with another woman'?!!!!!!!!!   
i replied, 'i will probably feel the same as how you felt sharing your children with your husband'!!!!!! 
i then got the 'oh er um i didn't mean to offend'!! well shut the f*** up then you narrow minded fool!!!!!!


----------



## Arrows

How rude Poppy -glad you stuck up for yourselves!


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Well done poppy, that's a good response!

I wish I'd had a retort when the health visitor first came to the house (before A was born) and said "Oh, a two-parent family! ...Great!!"


----------



## poppy05

thanks girls
im expecting people to ask lots of questions and thats fine, the usual things are 'who is going to carry' etc, i dont mind that, but to ask how i feel about sharing my baby with another woman is an absolute joke, that 'another woman' happens to be my wife you imbercile!!!!!!


----------



## BroodyChick

Poppy that really is hilarious and totally ignorant!
It makes me think though that so many people are just very clueless about IF treatment in general, if it doesn't affect them. I'd told two people about being an egg sharer who then later asked me if I was being a surrogate 'for a friend' (! Surrogate??! I think one got mixed up about my sperm donor) - in some ways people get confused by what they hear in the media and can't really put themselves in your shoes. So perhaps your colleague can't see beyond her own perspective, and has never considered the fact that your partner is a woman, not that you're 'sharing your baby'. I wonder if she felt as stupid as she came across to you after your response, and will think before she speaks in future.


----------



## poppy05

oh dont get me started on egg sharing comments!!!!   
i wanted to wear a tshirt that said 'im donating EGGS not babies ok f*****g EGGS!!!!!!!!    


i know people dont understand, and why would they when they havent had to go through it, but sometimes i do wonder at what point peoples brain actually engages, surely you know whats appropriate and whats not?!!!


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I think a big problem with assisted conception is that everyone seems to think they have a right to an opinion on it, or to ask really nosy questions. Eventually, I had to say to my dad that I didn't ask him about sex with my mother to conceive me, so I'd really appreciate it if he stopped asking me such personal questions about treatment.


----------



## EmGran

I'd like to share a very public clanger catastrophe that happened to me recently.

I was in the pub with my friend about 3 months ago. Just to give you some background, we have known each other since we were 11 and I love her dearly although sometimes it can be hard to not get angry with her - especially when she has got 2 great kids and a fantastic husband but doesn't seem to appreciate them at all.

Anyway, whilst sharing a bottle of wine - in the space of about 10 minutes she let off this little cluster-bomb of clangers:

"Do some shots, stop being so boring - it won't affect anything"

"Of course you'll get pregnant."

"I got pregnant by accident, I was still on the pill. Remember when I nearly had them aborted - ha ha"

"My mate can't have kids either. She's got 3 adopted ones now - so why don't you just do that?"

... none of these went down very well and I was crying my eyes out, in plain sight of anywhere between 50 and 100 people who were also in the pub. I tried to leave to get some air but she (quite drunk by this point) grabbed me by the wrists and repeatedly told me : "You WILL be happy".

I asked her to let go of my arms, once, twice, three times until... I'm ashamed to say I kicked her in the shin. Funnily enough she let go of me then!

She reckons she still has the bruise. We laugh about the whole thing now - like I said we've been through a lot together and bless her, she really was trying to help me and she was distraught that she just kept saying worse and worse things, sending me more and more hysterical.

I guess sometimes people just don't know what to say and they desperately want to help

And let's not forget - violence is wrong (!)


----------



## wilberdoo

Emgran that really made me laugh! I love the fact you kicked her  

Poppy I loved your retort! I am never quick enough off the mark to get one in as I'm usually to furious or astounded! We have friends with a little girl who are in a same sex relationship and it's likely my parents will meet them when they come to visit at Xmas. (I live in oz but am from the uk). I am absolutely dreading what my dad might say as he's the king of insensitive comments - I'm hoping it just blows his mind and he's too confused to say anything (he's very old fashioned and can't cope with anything out of his version of ordinary). 

We are umming and ahhing about telling my parents about using a donor as when I mentioned it a year or two ago my mum said, 'well obviously you aren't going to do that are you' ... Um well yes actually it's pretty much our only option! She did backtrack shortly after but constantly surprised how weird they are about it.


----------



## rmatz

I am not sure if this is the right place, but I had to say it somewhere someone would get it. A woman my age, was in my high school class, just posted a ultrasound scan on ********.  It's like her 15th child (maybe 16th). Not a joke. She gave birth in April and just posted an ultrasound of one at 7.5 weeks. I try so hard to be happy for her, but wow.  Leave some babies for the rest of us!  

Thank God they have the means to care for such a large family. I remember when they got married (not due to pregnancy, but love) when we were seniors. So many people were worried about them. Now everyone is jealous of their giant, loving family. I wonder how in the world her body isn't falling apart.  20 years of mostly being pregnant, with babies and toddlers.  I just want one, maybe two. Is it too much to ask?

Also, my 73 year old professor, when updated on my situation since we keep in touch, said she didn't get it, since she used to get pregnant if there was sperm laying in the next state. Geez.  Thanks, Prof.  So easy for so many. That is NOT comforting to hear when you have tried and failed so many times.

Feeling a bit weary at the moment.


----------



## duckybun

Yikes rmatz, 16 kids That would be hard to deal with, and I personally hate the ******** scan announcement thing..

A friend of mine was at a party recently when another mutual friend decided to make their announcement... He grabbed his girlfriend round the waist and shouted out to a room full of people that... 'He had bucked a baby up her' kid you not! If I'd been there (thank god I wasn't) I'd have had a fit. It's just so fing easy for some people isn't it!

X
Ducky


----------



## rmatz

Thanks, Ducky!

I don't know why but it just got me so down last night!

I wonder, though. It can't be pyschologically healthy to have so many children like that woman. I mean, physically her body is being destroyed constantly. I don't mean how it looks, but the whole process of pregnancy and birth is physically traumatic on a body. It can't be smart to give birth and then three-four months later be pregnant again. 

So, I think today, I kind of feel sorry for her. She has a beautiful, big family. Why isn't that enough for her emotionally? Surely, she is risking her health to continue getting pregnant. To me, that shows something out of balance. Just because you have enough money to have that many kids doesn't mean it is wise. I am sure she is happy and the family is loving and very tight and come from a good family in the community I grew up in, so they are probably all fine. Still, being willing to put your life in danger to have one more baby, after so many, can't be healthy. Can it?

I guess I have no right to judge and I would never say it anywhere other than here.  I know we all understand the desire to have a baby, but this just reminds me that I want to keep a healthy, balanced view regarding pregnancy.  I want a baby, truly, but I also want to be psychologically healthy.

Am I making sense? I was jealous last night. Maybe my judgy attitude today is just self preservation?

What a roller coaster of emotions!


----------



## duckybun

I don't know rmatz, all I know is that I'm currently pg and honestly I really don't think I can do it again it's the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel like utter crap all the time! I guess everyone's body reacts differently and maybe she's just one of those people who gets a total high off pregnancy hormones. If that's the case then she's very lucky. As for her leavin some babies for the rest of us, I wouldn't let it get to you, there's not a finite supply out there! She's havin her babies, not yours  

X
Ducky


----------



## rmatz

Yeah, I  know  Just my sarcastic sense of humor! It's how I cope.

Oh, and many congrats to you, truly. I hope you feel better soon.


----------



## Lola2014

After telling the in laws today of our plans to have ICSI (husband had a vasectomy 16 years ago after having 2 girls) My mother in law said to him "well I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that when you go for surgical sperm retrieval the doctor WON'T find any sperm because I think it's madness because you already have children"


----------



## Lolem

Leanne2014 said:


> After telling the in laws today of our plans to have ICSI (husband had a vasectomy 16 years ago after having 2 girls) My mother in law said to him "well I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that when you go for surgical sperm retrieval the doctor WON'T find any sperm because I think it's madness because you already have children"


OMG Leanne, seriously?!! How did you not knock her out?!!


----------



## Lolem

Jelliebabe - your signature is sooo spot on:
I can handle the despair, it's the hope that's killing me.


----------



## Lolem

Hilly35- I couldn't believe the cow and gate baby club ad! Congrats on your bfp x


----------



## rmatz

Leanne, 

I am so sorry you had to hear that!  Why are people so insensitive? Sounds like your MIL and mine would get along great. 

We told her we were trying for the first couple of rounds, but stopped after it didn't go so well. What really got me to stop is when my husband told me my SIL had a miscarriage about 3 or 4 months in and my MIL said to him, 'I don't know what the problem is. I never had any trouble.'  With a stress on the word 'I', if you know what I mean.  She also implied that his brother should leave his partner since their plans to have kids wasn't doing so well.  

For the most part, my husband leaves her out of things now, but he broke down emotionally and told her when the final IVF with our own eggs failed.  I cannot face the woman, myself.


----------



## rmatz

Ducky, 

You feeling any better yet?

Have a nice day!


----------



## Lola2014

Lolem - I think I was in complete shock with her stupid comment that I just kind of sat there in a silly little trance and didn't even say anything, my hubby said to her that it was a terrible thing to say to anyone and she said she didn't care! She then went on to say "do you really want to be all fat and pregnant in the summer"   

rmatz - I just feel sad for my MIL really she must be such an unhappy and childish person to even think some of the things that she speaks out loud, clearly the thought of an other grandchild is something she isn't happy with, which is a terrible shame really.
We've decided not to tell her anything else until such a time comes that we have no option (hopefully when I'm all "fat and pregnant" lol)


----------



## Kim01

Hello Ladies
I too came a cross insensitive in laws.
2 years ago my SIL announced that she was pregnant after years of trying.  MIL  and her came to visit I told them of our baby plan. SIL strongly objected the idea she said that both of us are over 40 yrs old we won't live long enough to raise the child. Then behind my back they brain washed my  DH putting him off the idea. I discovered when I made baby plans he wasn't keen. I realized what the 2 evil women did. I gave DH an ultimatum divorce or baby.  Last year I had my first fresh ivf cycle-sadly it failed. Two months later MIL and SIL came with her baby -:they stayed at my house for 3 months. 
One day MIL asked me how many embryos I've got in the freezer. I was taken back by this and  said "I don't know".
MIL then said "it is you destiny to be childless. If you are meant to have children it would happen by now no matter how old you are, you had ivf and it didn't work. No  doubt about it you are born a BARON. I wanted to instill some modern science into her ignorant 74year old brain so I pulled up all the women age 50 to 60 around the globe had successful ivf babies. She kept quiet.
I kept all the in law's mental bullying from my DH for a few months. Then the anger within me were too strong so I told him everything.  About the SIL I said that it is none of her business she is not car3ying or raising my child. As for the MIL I said that she better not open her mouth in the next visit or else Im not responsible for what might happen to her. MIL  just finished her 8 wks visit. She didn't open her mouth once to me. I gave her the silense treatment. SIL didn't  visit this year. I think they got my message loud and clear. Im now fat with a bun in the oven.  The 2 evil witches haven't a clue. Looks like I get the last laugh.


----------



## EmGran

Good for you KimT, I can't believe what you've had to go through! Xx


----------



## Lolem

I have another one to add:
When telling my mum that we had been told that IUI would not work for us and that IVF was our only option she said "I just feel so bad because I never had to try, I just fell pregnant straight away"
Yep, thanks, that's just what I needed to hear right now....
In all fairness sage was trying to be helpful and I think was just trying to say about the unfairness of it all but perhaps worded it a little badly!!!


----------



## Haydan

Hi Ladies,

i have one from my dear dear sister  made be so angry at the time i couldn't eat the dinner id just cooked and it takes a lot to stop me eating lol!

i received a text message (yes my gutless wonder of a sister did this by text message which probably made it even worse) stating the following:

"i don't want to start an argument but Paige (my 8yr old niece) has just told me this and thought you should know _"sports day was really good today wasn't it, i wish auntie hayley and uncle Daniel were there, why don't they come to my stuff anymore?"_ just thought you should know, her words not mine"

first of all i didn't even know she had a sports day so that makes it pretty impossible to attend don't you think?
second of all shes my niece not my daughter - i work full time, have friends and family to see, housework to do and (as so many people tell me do ) enjoy my free time without children around! 
and third when going through fertility treatment with the ever increasing fear that i might never have children of my own do you really think its easy to go watch and cheer on other peoples children when the whole time i'm crying inside through fear that i might never be able to do this for a child of my own!

oh but no - this would never occur to my sister as all our lives apparently revolve around her and what she wants us all to do! i was so furious - this happened in June and i've only recently been able to think about it with out wanting to punch her.
still haven't actually spoke about it with her as i genuinely knew i would say some really nasty things back to her out of pure anger and spite and knew that would really upset my parents who hate to see us argue so needed to wait till i could do it rationally which i think i've just about got to that point now.

needless to say i dont mention anything to do with our treatment or how i feel about not being able to get pregnant - ive come to the conclusion she really didnt realise what she was doing when she sent me the text but it just means she obviously has no comprehension on what im going through so i dont see how i can lean on her for any degree of support. 
i only really speak to her now when it concerns Paige as i do actually have a very active relationship with my niece and i think that's another reason why i was so upset and angry - she made me feel like i was a bad auntie and the real kick of it all is shes actually not a very good mother - my mom has to intervene on her parenting skills all the time!

ah ok i think its rant over time - i just couldn't believe my sister who i have cried in front of so many times about how this is all making me feel and then she goes and does something like that.


----------



## deedee_spark

Oh Haydan,

Your sister is a clone of mine! I really, really feel your pain. My sister too expects me to drop everything for her and my nieces, and until I met my husband, more fool me, as I create a monster, I did spend too much time enmeshed in her life. I adore my nieces.

Since we have been TTC she has been nothing but horrible. She told member of my family she thinks I am autistic (I'm not). I think she is threatened by other children taking the attention from her.  She doesn't actually see me as a separate person to her, with different needs. She wasn't happy when I met my husband, and she isn't happy we married abroad without. Our relationship changed a couple of years ago and I avoid her now as much as possible. I agreed to baby sit her girls even though I was suffering severe depression as a result of work issues. I agreed to look after the girls until 8:00pm because we were going out afterwards and had something booked (hubby was trying to make sure I got out and about as I would feel better). Sister called a few days later and said that I now had to look after the girls until 9:30pm as her husband wasn't finished with parents evening until 9:30 pm (he is a infant school teacher). I said I can't change my plans and she slammed down the phone. A few days later I received a voice mail from my 8 year old niece saying that she didn't appreciate me upsetting her mother and I wasn't very nice (she was pretty horrible). In the back ground of the voice mail was someone whispering to my niece, telling her what to say... The next day I had a complete mental breakdown and the doctor told me to avoid stress and take it easy (I was very depressed). I didn't call my sister back for months whilst I recovered. What I didn't realise was my niece was devastated that I hadn't called her back - my niece had never been horrible to me before. She was completely traumatised.  What I'll never understand is why my sister didn't call and say something like: 'I'm not happy with you, but niece is suffering because she has not spoken to you. Can you speak to her?'  I wasn't perfect in this situation, but I would never have allowed my child to suffer like that.

Your sister sounds like she expects you to be centre of your world. Is she older, by any chance? 
  

I am finding the best way to deal with my sister is to not retaliate. As soon as I retaliate, she becomes the victim that everyone feels sorry for. I am just learning to keep my mouth shut (expect to hubby), and ignore - advice from psychotherapist. But, this is because my sister is never-ever-wrong. There is absolutely no compromising, understanding or ability to see another persons perspective  - she is like it with everyone, and she'll never change.  I pity her husband and children. With your sister, it is probably different and you may be able to have a discussion about how you feel and how much stress you are under? I can have discussions like this with my brother and other people.

We won't be telling any of our families about our treatment. They don't understand.

Thanks for posting this about your sister - it has allowed me to release some pent up anger.


----------



## Haydan

Hey Deedee, 

yes you're right - my sister is older and did actually admit to me that she would be jealous of me getting pregnant when we first started trying because we would get more attention than her - wtf!  
i actually sometimes wonder if she resents the fact that im going through fertility treatment because of the attention she probably feels i get - which i don't really since i rarely talk about.

sorry to hear what you have been through but it is nice to speak to someone with similar sibling problems.
i understand what you said about not being able to discuss these feelings with your sister as i rarely do myself as she just goes on the defence and lists of all the problems she has - which she does have a lot but they are all her own doing so i just cant see them as comparable.

its truly horrible when they use the children to manipulate - luckily my niece spends half her life with my parents so i still get to be actively involved in her life without always having to go though my sister.

Feel free to PM me anytime you sister pi**es you off again and we can have mutual ranting therapy sessions


----------



## MariMar

Haydan and Deedee,

Hi both, sounds like your sisters are being right mares! I'm just popping in to say it's not always the older sisters... My younger (and only) sister is the one being a pain at the moment. I think it's just people who need a lot of attention / are competitive... She's definitely not appreciating everyone being concerned about me at the moment, which, to be fair, I'm not really appreciating, either! She's only just moved in with her boyfriend, and since I opened up to her and my family about my IF problems, she's started saying she's now getting broody, too... Kind of wish that she just would, so everyone would give me a bit of space, though she could really do with that not being her immediate response to anything I mention about treatment. She doesn't really offer any sympathy or show any interest - just immediately relates it back to herself! Argh, sisters!

Hope your sisters are starting to see reason, a bit at least! That voicemail story was horrible, poor niece


----------



## bumpylady

Hi can I jump into this thread.
A few years ago I told a family member we were considering IVF. She said if something is not meant to be then you can't force it, if you do force it you'll end up with a disabled child. 
That upset because my hubby has cystic fibrosis, he was conceived naturally so where she gets this rubbish from I just don't know.
Soon after she found out that her partner can't have kids and her attitude changed, she still tries putting me down so we don't speak now.
Went through my last cycle without telling anyone close to me and will be do the same again.


----------



## MariMar

Oh no, Bumpy, you're on this thread - sad to hear you've had nasty things said to you.

IF really is eye-opening... Just goes to show you can't make generalisations about anyone or anything, and that people say pretty ignorant stuff all the time! Makes you think before you speak about personal choices/medical conditions - only wish a lot of other people could be the same! That relative sounds horrible, don't want to wish ill on others, but it sounds like karma that her partner ended up having problems... Sounds like the only way she'd be able to relate to other people going through bad times! 

Hugs to you, and just keep on going - excited for your cycle!


----------



## bumpylady

I am still waiting for the excitement to kick in, I'm more nervous this time


----------



## deedee_spark

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest it is all older sisters that have a sense of entitlement. It's just more common in older siblings since they get all the attention for a while and some don't get used to sharing. 

In my case I sort of blame my divorced parents. They have always been, 'Just keep the peace and do what she wants, you know what she's like.' She just screams/bullies/gets physical until she gets her own way, and my entire family are too scared to stop her. They've created a monster. But like my ex husband, she is incredibly charming and most people think she is a darling (until they get to know her). Basically, my parents are enabling her behaviour.

I've stepped away from the drama of my family now to concentrate on treatment. It seems the more some of my family knew about me (sister, father), the more they used it against me. I started stepping away from them after the incident with my niece and the voicemail. A counsellor told me at the time, 'Be prepared. They will not like it if you stop behaving as you have in the past, and they will potentially lash out. Life will get more difficult before it gets better.' They did lash out in a horrible way, but now they have nothing to left to attack me for because they don't get to know what is going on in my world.   They certainly won't know about IVF!    

I am sorry for my niece though. She is such an unhappy child these days. My sister is repeating the patterns of my parents, and my nieces are in middle.  

MariMar your sister sounds like wants all your parents attention.
Bumpylady - good for you for cutting your friend out. She sounds horrible.

Wow, thanks people. Just writing this makes me feel better.


----------



## harebrain

I work in shop, we have a fair few regular customers, who know i have been going through treatment. A few months back, after my miscarriage, one of them came into the shop especially to show me her new grandson, .... i was obviously stuck on the shop floor and the shop was busy, she kept saying as loud as anything, 'touch him, hold him, he'll bring you luck' i kept refusing saying no thanks, and i had a really bad cold, and she just went on and on trying to get me to touch him for 'luck'. I did eventually, just to get rid of her, but omg ive never wanted to be somewhere else so much in my life! Totally cornered


----------



## Haydan

I've no idea how you did that, I'd of walked off the shop floor and not come out till she was gone!  

I have a little one compared to that. A friend of mine who knows we're struggling etc.. 'Tagged' me into a video of her baby boy dancing for the first time. I felt like she was taunting me! I know she wasnt as she's a good person but the directness of it all just made it feel so personal. I just sent her a message asking her not to do it again. 
It baffles!


----------



## Dory10

Sadly the stories on this thread never cease to amaze me!

Here's a good one, a colleague from work, a school, called to see me to drop off some Christmas cards, I'm off following the loss of my baby.  She walked in and before her coat was even off she proceeded to tell me about one of the nasty parents at our school being pregnant and how it 's all the parent and her child are talking about - great, I really want to go back to work an face that!

xxx


----------



## kazzzee

I was shocked to see a reply to a post on a friend's ******** wall where she had asked for suggestions about what to get her parents in law for Christmas. Someone had said grandchildren...

She is currently fighting cancer (for the second time), and has eggs frozen... 

Makes me so mad!!!


----------



## Becia

This is shocking, what is wrong with people!


----------



## violeta

kazzzee said:


> I was shocked to see a reply to a post on a friend's ******** wall where she had asked for suggestions about what to get her parents in law for Christmas. Someone had said grandchildren...
> 
> She is currently fighting cancer (for the second time), and has eggs frozen...
> 
> Makes me so mad!!!


Christ, what is wrong with some people?!?!

I'm thankful that our friends and family aren't that insensitive, but here are a couple of more recent ones:

First one - people at work talking about kids, as usual

Me: Well, I wouldn't know about that as I don't have children (attempt to change subject)
Boss: HOw old are you?
Me: 34
Boss: Eeeek, you should probably get a move on
Me: To be fair, you have absolutely no idea what might be happening or not happening.

Said boss' wife has gone through the IVF process with their four year old twins, so I was surprised to hear that come out of his mouth.

Second one - me trying not to get upset when there were some little kids in the office saying stuff like "I love you daddy"

Me: this is really hard for me, I don't know if I'll ever hear a little voice speak to me like that. I'm heartbroken.
Colleague: well if you're not successful then you can always adopt, there are plenty of children out there who need mothers. I know it's not what you want to hear right now.

Yes, so why say it?! As if adoption is this golden ticket when in fact it can also be a painful process! I think people who have never experienced IF think people can choose a baby out of a brochure and job done. Insane.


----------



## HelenGB

ah man, some of the things people say are so thoughtless, I'e heard most things, I htink the one I hear the most and the one that gets me the most annoyed is, well you still have plenty of time left, right yes, thank you. that really makes me feel so much better. 

My mum is the worst though, she had problems conceiving, took her 2 years to fall pregnant, then she miscarried, but then she had my brother, then another miscarriage then me and then i have 2 more younger sisters of hers (with a different dad) so her saying to me i understand, i really do, is really insensitive, seeing as she has never had to have IVF, only tried for 2 years, where i am still trying after 6 years, plus she has 4 children!!! how could she possibly understand? 
i wont even go into what my sister did -_- just thinking about it makes me cry - you can all probably guess...


----------



## sophiekh

I am so shocked to read some of these stories, i really do wonder with some people. Especially family as there are suppose to be there and support you, not put you down.


----------



## Wisp

I know it's so terrible isn't it! 

I had a little thing recently where I went to see my mum with my sister and then my mum said to my sister "have you told her, have you told her about your friend" my sister said no and my mum then said "go on, go on tell her" in a pushy way and my sister then told me that her friend, who I know but am not friends with myself, is pregnant again.  She has a one year old and a nine year old and this was an accident, she didn't want another baby right now.  It wasn't that I felt upset that this girl was pregnant, although there is always a feeling of unfairness, it was the way my mum seemed to really want me to know, as if she was taking some pleasure in it! I'm sure that can't be the case, but that's how it made me feel, it was just handled so insensitively by her, it's not that I even have anything to do with this girl and needed to know, weird!  My defence is often to make a joke out of it, so I said "well do you think she'd give it to us!?!"


----------



## Haydan

oh dear that is strange - cant quite figure out her motive for that one.

i seem to be doing pretty well at the moment - i havent really had any clangers for a while - think it helps that over the last 4 years i have figured out who to talk to and who not to talk to and have also built up some great resiliance to things and ive also been quite blunt in some of my resonses to people - i cant be arsed with all the over politeness sometimes when people are actually being really intrusive in their 'perfectly innocent' enquiries  

although i have to say i have avoided having a big party for my 30th this year as i just couldnt face any of the obligatory questions from distant friends and relatives   if you cant beat em' avoid em'! lol


----------



## smallbutmighty

I just went to a do over Christmas where a relative started jeering at my husband about why he hadn't got me pregnant yet and asking what was wrong with him. My husband was fairly gob smacked and I laughed it off, but oh no, he wanted an answer and so it continued:

"Why aren't you pregnant yet? You should be having babies! Don't you know what to do? You need to be having more sex! HAVE SOME SEX!" and then back to my husband, "Have some sex! Get a baby on her! You're not a proper lad 'til you've got a baby on her. What's wrong with you?" 

Unbelievable.


----------



## smallbutmighty

kazzzee said:


> I was shocked to see a reply to a post on a friend's ******** wall where she had asked for suggestions about what to get her parents in law for Christmas. Someone had said grandchildren...
> 
> She is currently fighting cancer (for the second time), and has eggs frozen...
> 
> Makes me so mad!!!


That is the worst one by a country mile. Truly dreadful. Did she respond?


----------



## Dancing duck

Some of the situations mentioned here actually make me cry. Why are some people so cruel and find it amusing to make our lives even harder? Don't they stop to consider how they would feel if it were them ? 
This isn't even in the same league but friends who adopted kids due to infertility said to us when I said we'd had a busy Christmas "well what did you do all Christmas it's not like you have kids to run round after!"
Thought they would at least have been a bit more sensitive !


----------



## Haydan

oh i hate it when people joke about "not doing it right" or "whats wrong with you"
yeh thanks - i dont feel bad enough about it already!!



> This isn't even in the same league but friends who adopted kids due to infertility said to us when I said we'd had a busy Christmas "well what did you do all Christmas it's not like you have kids to run round after!"
> Thought they would at least have been a bit more sensitive !


shocking - you cant excuse that as they should know better and understand the pain of infertility! i hope you said something to them?


----------



## JJewels

After our 5th failed DE ivf, I had some one comment to me 'Oh well, there's always next month' and then after our 6th failed DE ivf said 'Have you thought about adoption'

brought me to tears both times.  Never gets any easier.


----------



## hilly35

I had someone who knew I was about to go through another ICSI cycle say would I not progress adoption alongside so if it failed I would have a fall back position. I mean seriously who thinks adopted children are a "fall back" position - I was so angry on behalf of all amazing adoptive parents that she could comment this way.

I am such a softie but I never forgave that one - twit.


----------



## CrazyHorse

smallbutmighty said:


> I just went to a do over Christmas where a relative started jeering at my husband about why he hadn't got me pregnant yet and asking what was wrong with him. My husband was fairly gob smacked and I laughed it off, but oh no, he wanted an answer and so it continued:
> 
> "Why aren't you pregnant yet? You should be having babies! Don't you know what to do? You need to be having more sex! HAVE SOME SEX!" and then back to my husband, "Have some sex! Get a baby on her! You're not a proper lad 'til you've got a baby on her. What's wrong with you?"
> 
> Unbelievable.


Dear Lord, I would have battered the offending party round the head and neck with the nearest wine bottle.  You have INFINITELY more restraint than I. This person should simply be barred from polite society.

I'm so sorry you were subjected to this offensive puerile behaviour.


----------



## sophiekh

Its hard, over the years you hear them all. From the unwanted sex advise and go on holiday and relax.

I think the hardest is hearing the horror ones from people who know your issue.

I was told by a friend that she can fall  pregant 'clicks her fingers'.
That the doctors are all wrong and im wasting my time with treatment
Maybe that im not meant to be a mother. 
Atleast I have free time and holidays to go on etc etc


----------



## K8O

Ours this Christmas was let's have a sweep stake about the arrival of DH brother baby (due any day now).  DH asked them not to and have a bit of sensitivity and his brother now isn't speaking to either of us.  We have apparently ruined the pregnancy experience for DH family because of my issues and DH apparently needs to take control of me.  All this from the couple that split up 6 weeks ago and brothers partner told MIL to F off out of her life, but I've ruined everything.  For me this has been the worst experience ever yet MIL is now best buddies with her and the two of them are posting all sorts on ********.  

I feel for you all xx


----------



## Tigger99

Good grief! What's wrong with people? I usually just thing that most people just don't think but to chase someone round a party and telling them to get on with it is just RUDE!!

My latest clanger is from my family. At finding out about my recent fifth miscarriage quite a few family members have said 'so you stopping then?' Erm! No! Why should I?

And a few others have mentioned the adoption chestnut.


----------



## K8O

Why do people think we should give up...it annoys me more than anything.  I just want to say get out of my life and jog on.  Going through all this is hard enough without people making suggestions about what we should do and what choices we should make.

I'm lucky I have one friend who holds my hand through it all even though I abandoned her when she was pregnant 5 years ago at the time of our first IVF.  She has been there for me no matter what and for that I am eternally thankful.  Everyone else has pretty much disappeared and sometimes we have to move on from our friends.  As you can see DH family don't really get it.  I have 2 nephews and a niece on my side and I love them dearly but I was never made to feel so awful during those arrivals like I have with the other side.  At the moment I don't want anything to do with any of them now or once the baby has arrived.  We are expecting them to say I'm not welcome at theirs because of Xmas but part of me is hoping That's what they say because then I don't have to make a decision and DH isn't stuck in the middle.  I really feel for DH cos his brother is a first class prat and MIL pretends she can't see it so he is the perfect son.  Ooh I could rant for days about them but it's not worth it 

Kxx


----------



## Tigger99

Gallgegirl- doesn't sound like a very supportive friend to me. It's so hard to tell people and then you get that sort of reply? 

K - I wish we could walk away from family some days ! More difficult though. I hope that you get a break from dh's family.


----------



## smallbutmighty

K8O said:


> We have apparently ruined the pregnancy experience for DH family because of my issues and DH apparently needs to take control of me.


Take control of you?! I'd be incandescent with rage if someone said that to my husband. I'm not a horse! The blasted infertility is one thing, but the 1950s attitude that implies is beyond the pale.


----------



## sophiekh

Has anyone been told to stop acting/playing the victim?? ive had that!


----------



## Haydan

What! 

Who said that to you? 
Unbelievable 😠


----------



## CrazyHorse

sophiekh said:


> Has anyone been told to stop acting/playing the victim?? ive had that!


Maybe tell them you'll stop playing the victim when they stop playing the bully.

There are certain people in the world who just cannot resist an opportunity to kick someone who is already suffering, and they all need a proper telling-off.


----------



## sophiekh

Someone close to me, apparently I was acting like a victim. Eventhough i didnt tell many people regarding my infertility, but some days it was overwhelming for me.


----------



## hilly35

Wow utterly speechless at that Sophie


----------



## Alotbsl

This Doesn't compare to what some of you have had to put up with but I got really upset today as the chat in the office was how old they all were when they had there children. I didn't mind until the only person who knows my situation piped up and said she felt really old having her daughter at 27 bearing in mind I sit right next to her and turn 38 next week and am still childless.  . It just hit me a bit hard.


----------



## Dancing duck

Latest cutting comment from darling SD when hubby said guess what we are getting this year....oh I guess you must be adopting some new kids....ouch ! That is one unpleasant teenager


----------



## duckybun

We ordered a take away last week, and I answered the door carrying DS then called my husband to come to the door with the money. He ame out carrying dd (3month old twinnies) and te delivery guy had the cheek to go.... 'Twins? Ivf then?..... I'm not being nosy by the way!'    
Errr yes you blinking well are!!!!!!!


----------



## bumpylady

Another new one to add today.
“Why on earth would you have another one when your child is 14”


----------



## ln2003

Some of these stories are unbelievable.  Over our 9 years of trying and 5 failed treatments we have had some gems.  

Christmas 2013 was tough with 3 babies on the way for relatives who had only tried a couple of months before getting preggers.  That and a bout of shingles left me low and I started to cry in front of MIL who comforted me with I am sure if being a mum isn't for you something else will come along.  GUTTED hadn't (and still haven't) given up hope that would have my own baby.  Two weeks later to add insult to injury she recalled another woman who has waited 10 years got pregnant and her baby was a total brat apparently - comforting. 

I think the worst of all was a friend at the time who raised the issue of us trying for a baby in front of my DH exes new husband who knew nothing of our struggles.  Thankfully don't think he picked up on it and headed off whilst she continued suggesting we try Clomid because it worked for some friend of hers.  No we never tried that we just thought let's start with IVF it's such fun.  My poor DH throughout the conversation knew I was really ticked off so he breathed a sigh when she started what we thought were one of  those stories about a mutual friend who tried 10 yrs and then it just happened.  Unfortunately though that wasn't the story instead it was the couple tried for 10 years no success then split up the female took up with some new guy and fell pregnant right away so she suggested I use another friend to donate sp and maybe that would work as me and DH not compatible.  I was flabbergasted how insensitive to add insult to the whole discussion this person had aborted a child 2 months previous because she had split from the father who she had dated for a month.


----------



## Kelly88

Had a great one today ... 
My doctor signed me off work and recommended I have some counselling, rang them today to make an appointment. They ask you a load of questions, she asked why I need it, so I explained it's to do with infertility and having ivf. Then she asked how long it's been going on for, so I said it's been 10 years. Her next question..... 
Do you have any children under 2! I would not have been held responsible for my actions had I been face to face with her!


----------



## Jenbal

I had a call from my cousin (we are close and she knows about our fertility problems) she has a daughter who is one and a half and my god daughter. She announces to me that she is pregnant and says ' so what is the name I can't use because you want to give that name to your child when you have one....oh wait what am I talking about? You can't have children!!'

Safe to say they were sad tears not tears of joy!

Jen x


----------



## Arrows

What a total cow!


----------



## Haydan

Can't believe she said that - was she saying it spitefully or just being a completely clueless idiot?


----------



## Hoping 2014

Wow Jen that's unreal. Ffs are you still speaking to her? What a hateful thing to say. 

Kelly I had something similar with my councillor. When I eventually got pregnant after FET #2 she said to me "oh I'm glad you are pregnant as you would have had such a hole in your life without a child". I stared at her speechless and said "well I'm a long way off having a baby in my arms". Straight after I had the bad news scan I had an appointment with her again. She didn't turn up (2nd time this happened). Needless to say I'm searching for a new councillor.


----------



## Arrows

I went to two counsellors after my first mc.  The first which was advertised as an abortion,  miscarriage and stillborn counselling service kept using the term abortion as the said miscarriage was 'spontaneous abortion'. I left. Then saw a private counsellor and all she wanted to discuss was sex. Useless people!


----------



## Katie2680

I once told someone about my issues and the fact I'm having both my tubes removed before starting ivf....I then got the reply " don't you worry the egg will still find its way down and meet a sperm......   ERM I hate to break it to you but you kind of need the tubes to get pregnant naturally. They don't magically find their way!


----------



## Haydan

hmm... i think that one says alot more about our state education


----------



## danceintherain

After my first miscarriage I called my clinic the following morning and they told me to come in for a scan. I had already passed the sac at home the previous night. The scan showed that I'd had a complete miscarriage. We were sent into a private room to wait for the consultant. 

The consultant came in waving a printout of my scan which showed my empty womb, and asked me 'so were you actually pregnant then?'. As if I'd made the whole thing up!


----------



## Haydan

i would have punched him then asked "are you sure i punched you since theres no photo!!"

what an absolute horrible thing that say.


----------



## Scorpy

My mother is one for _consistently _affirming to me that it is 'stress' that is causing my infertility...and knowing that I am facing IVF she is amping up this advice for me to relax.
I sent her a text recently and mentioned I had been crying. Her responce; 'Oh stop bl**dy crying, your always bl**dy crying!'  Thanks for the support!

Oh and upon telling my friend about IVF - she shared some stories of how the injections can send women 'crazy'...she paused and said in all seriousness 'I cant imagine you on hormone injections...but your a moody b*tch anyway I suppose'


----------



## jules418

My mother in law on boxing day (drunk) had a melt down and did a crying scream in my face 'I just want bobby (DH) to be a dad!!!!!

Yeah thanks for that 4 weeks after 2nd MC. 

also get the 'you wouldn't understand you haven't got kids' again from MIL usually when giving constuctive (ahem) critisicism of her adult kids cos she has been moaning about how rubbish they are (not DH he is the most amazing caring giving man ever)


----------



## LittleStampede

Some of these stories are horrific! Here's my contribution (although I'm sure there will be many more to come as we continues with our journey):

I was at a family birthday gathering over the weekend and was holding a 5wk old baby. The baby's parents got married 2weeks after us in 2013 and everyone is fairly aware that we'd like children asap. It was a big thing for me being around babies, as I've struggled with it so much in the past with our issues around infertility.

Anyway, I was slouched backwards on the sofa and baby was asleep on my chest. Lots of people around me & we're all talking. Evil step-mother of DH's cousin comes over, takes the baby from me and tells me to 'get your own baby'. 

Cue much silenced shock from people around me. I did not know what to say! Wish I'd come back with some witty response, but I couldn't say anything. Just felt like crying / slapping her / running away.

Got a couple of really supportive texts from some of the other people who were present - she's not a liked woman and even less so after that thoughtless flippant comment!

What a *****!!


----------



## gabiladybird

LittleStampede, that is terrible! What an insensitive wench! 
I've been reading some of the stories and some are just funny (in a sad way), others are plain nasty and rude. Oh ladies, we need to put up with so much. 
Apparently, we all just have to stop trying so hard and it will happen or get absolutely hammered and then again, hey presto, we're pregnant! So easy... Why didn't we think of that? Surely the IVF clinics should advise us to up our alcohol intake and not bother with all those silly drugs.


----------



## Lindoprincess

I have just had an absolute corker. Was explaining to someone I work with, someone who has become a friend that I had taken time out of work due to IVF. She then went on to tell me how her husband never really wanted kids but she persuaded him and when she did she was pregnant within a month, same thing with her second. Wasn't quite sure where to go with that so just laughed but seriously OMFG. She's not a nasty person or a stupid one, but seriously who would say that?


----------



## goldbunny

not quite in the same vein but still bugging me, anyone else find the hotel chain adverts that say 'take the kids, leave the kids, make more kids' really annoying ?


----------



## BroodyChick

Maybe that hotel has a fertility clinic in the basement, Goldbunny!? 

In a similar vein to your colleague, Lindoprincess, I had a friend over for a visit when my son was tiny (she also turned up 4 hours late, can you imagine- but that's another story)- she knows the heartbreak I went through to have him and decided to tell me about a termination she had in her twenties. WHY would I want to know that!? Yes I'm pro choice, but seriously??


----------



## Fairycake34

I am reading this thread and some of these are unbelievable! But then some of them I can completely relate to!

I have had the adoption speech so many times and various insensitive comments.

But the winner goes to my sister in law (my husbands brothers wife).

She told me (on several occasions) that she could get pregnant like "that" and snapped her fingers. And now her daughter has 5 children (by different men) plus abortions and she also can get pregnant like "that" - again, snapping her fingers. I hear this story..oooo...at least once a month. Mainly when the wine comes out. Which is all the time.

She asked me "when are you going to stop all this nonsense? He (my husband) isn't getting any younger, you know?"

She told me that you love your children but they just ruin your relationship and don't bother.

And the best one was when I had the chemical pregnancy, she said "oh sorry to hear that. Couldn't help me organise a baby shower could you? You can come too...." 

I also had a colleague I worked with closely and when I told her about my chemical pregnancy she said "oh well, nevermind, you get another go, don't you?"


----------



## chugabur1972

My GP told me to pull myself together and be grateful for what I've got......oh and to eat an apple as he had a patient who became pregnant naturally after eating an apple  He then went on to tell me that there is always adoption and I should be less selfish and take on a child who needs to be loved instead of feeling sorry for myself cos I can't have one of my own.

I'm no longer a patient at his surgery  

My biggest annoyance are those people who think they know best and tell us to go on holiday and relax cos that's the best medicine......aaggghhhh


----------



## Arrows

Some people are ridiculous.  Adoption is not the answer to everything and every adopted child has additional needs of some description, even if taken at birth and seemingly a 'straightforward' child (take it from experience). This doesn't mean you love them any less or that they are not your child though! Just relaxing does not make medical problems disappear! 
Family and close friends can be the worst for making us feel crap whether intentional or not. In the midday of treatments, pregnancy announcements and feeling very low I text everyone I knew saying that if any of them got pregnant I'd be very pleased for them but also upset because I was finding infertility very hard and would they please tell me in private over the phone/text a day or two before and big gatherings so I had the chance to process it and not react badly in public. Everyone was wonderful and listened to what I'd said which made them more sensitive to saying idiotic things and 3people in the next 6mths did exactly as I asked.


----------



## Arrows

Some people are ridiculous.  Adoption is not the answer to everything and every adopted child has additional needs of some description, even if taken at birth and seemingly a 'straightforward' child (take it from experience). This doesn't mean you love them any less or that they are not your child though! Just relaxing does not make medical problems disappear! 
Family and close friends can be the worst for making us feel crap whether intentional or not. In the midday of treatments, pregnancy announcements and feeling very low I text everyone I knew saying that if any of them got pregnant I'd be very pleased for them but also upset because I was finding infertility very hard and would they please tell me in private over the phone/text a day or two before and big gatherings so I had the chance to process it and not react badly in public. Everyone was wonderful and listened to what I'd said which made them more sensitive to saying idiotic things and 3people in the next 6mths did exactly as I asked.


----------



## CrazyHorse

chugabur1972 said:


> My GP told me to pull myself together and be grateful for what I've got......oh and to eat an apple as he had a patient who became pregnant naturally after eating an apple He then went on to tell me that there is always adoption and I should be less selfish and take on a child who needs to be loved instead of feeling sorry for myself cos I can't have one of my own.
> 
> I'm no longer a patient at his surgery


Ever notice how the people who tell you that you should "just" adopt either have bio kids of their own conceived without IVF, or have no children and don't want any?


----------



## Tone

Sorry to over generalise but I have found gps in particular to be utterly insensitive and unprofessional. Age 15 I was sent to gp for suspected depression and told by the White middle class young doctor that I shouldn't be depressed as I was a young white middle class girl with her whole life ahead of her. I still have bouts of depression and who knows if it all could have been avoided over the past 20 or so years if only it had been nipped in the bud then.
Much later when i couldn't get pregnant went to gp who dismissed concerns for a whole year. In that whole time we only managed to get a sperm test done and even then he misread the results.
By the grace of God ivf worked for us despite v low amh. May have been higher a year previously if we'd got the treatment when we should have, but anyway it worked. So I took my month old baby to the same Dr and asked about a rash she had on her body. He looked at me, shrugged and said, I don't know I don't have kids. Then proceeded to search the Internet. You may ask why I didn't change gp but we were specifically asked not to as we'd need continuity of care during pregnancy. I despair. The health if the nation is in the hands of some v unprofessional, uncaring, incompetent and insensitive people.


----------



## Flips

goldbunny said:


> not quite in the same vein but still bugging me, anyone else find the hotel chain adverts that say 'take the kids, leave the kids, make more kids' really annoying ?


That advert makes me want to hurt people!

I think I've been very lucky with GPs, although my current GP freely admits I know more about IVF and fertility treatment than he does!


----------



## Haydan

i havent spoken to my GP about my infertility since our intial referral to the womens hospital in August 2011. my thinking is - Gp means 'general' and fertility treatment is a 'specialism' - ill stick with the specialists, from the some of the stories ive heard on here i wouldnt bother risking it with my GP now.


----------



## sophiekh

GP's are the weirdest, from a young age i was told that my irregular periods were growing pains, although i knew was something. When i asked about immune testing - i was told there was nothing wrong with me and i wasting the GPs time and last week I went back to GP so that i get metformin to help with PCOS - again to be told theres nothing wrong me  ...


----------



## MrsGorilla

The hotel chain advert about take the kids, leave the kids, make more kids... i found that very insensitive at first - it's not that easy to make more, you know!! (Or even bloomin' one!)
BUT.... I later found out through the wonder that is FF that the twins they show bouncing on the bed were conceived through IVF, so now it kind of makes me smile a bit 

Continuing the GP awful-ness, when DH and I were having all the first lots of tests done, I phoned the GP for our results. When I asked him the results of DH's sperm test, he said "well, looking at these, if you want a baby naturally you had better find another husband". I don't know quite how I held it together, but I managed it just long enough to ask about my results, to which he said "yours are irrelevant now considering your husbands". I did lose my temper then, ranted something about needing to know if we were fighting a huge battle or half a battle, and passed the phone over to DH.

I don't get it! I work in a hospital and the doctors and nurses I come into contact with will bend over backwards to do the best for their patients...what is it about GPs?!


----------



## poppy05

I was at work the other day, and as usual we had the local radio station on, and there was an advert for ivf treatment, of course my ears pricked up and i listened, and straight after this an advert for aldi came on, advertising 'baby week'!!!!!!  oh yes apparently in the space of 3 minutes you could book a consultation for ivf, and on the way home stop off for half price baby gates, nappies, wipes and anything else with the word baby in it!!!!!


----------



## Kimba9407

I have a story that I'm not sure that fits this question exactly, but it falls under the insensitive event category. My younger brother invited us out for dinner one night and our niece was wearing an "I'm going to be a big sister" shirt. (We didn't notice it at first because we were actually venting about being blindsided by another couple who got pregnant through IVF.) Come to find out, they had been trying to get pregnant for some time, had about 6-7 miscarriages (they weren't even sure of how many), and conceived through IVF. All of which we knew nothing about. And this was all after we had had 2 miscarriages and they knew about our struggles. Even my parents knew because they helped with the baby sitting our niece during treatments, but they asked my parents not to say anything. I was so hurt that they never confided in us. This was my little brother, not some acquaintance. And we got into a discussion about our plans and told them we didn't want to go through IVF again, to which she responded that she didn't think it was "that bad".  

I'm sure there is some explanation of trying to protect our feelings, and be sensitive, but it still stung like heck...


----------



## Waiting to meet

There are some shockers on here. 
We finally told my parents of our struggles after 3 years I broke down crying,  my father's first reaction was over the moon congratulating us as he was so pleased we were trying,  had to then spell out that it might never happen. To which he replied,  stop being so negative. I sat talking about it and crying with my mum for around an hour once it had all calmed down. He put his arm around my mum and said, laughing, we actually have something to announce,  you are going to have a newbrother ior sister,  he was joking!! Many more tears and a telling off from my mum.  Can you believe it,  I'm sure hewas just trying to make light but after listening to me say how hard it is ttowatch all your ffriends get pregnant, 1,2, and 3times I can't believe he was so cruel.!


----------



## BroodyChick

Goodness waiting! Your dad!!? Some men are just so clueless.

Kimba, sorry your brother wasn't more open with you. However everyone is different (my sister wouldn't dream of sharing half the things i do), just more private.
They may feel that talking about it won't help anything, they could just be exhausted from talking it thru amongst themselves.
Still I'd be hurt too, but see what kind of support they need vs what support you'd prefer to offer x


----------



## ayah

Sophik  my GP wanted me to have fasting blood glucose and other bllod tests as I kept fainting.  He put on my form that I had type two diabiets.  Umm no I dont and it shouldnt say I do anywhere in my notes.  He just saw I was on metformin and assumed despite I had just spoken about my ivf!
They realky know little.  But then the mw didnt know why if you have PCOS you need metformin either!

All best ladies

Ayah xxx


----------



## beanie1974

I have a very insensitive tale to tell.

After finding out at a 9 week scan at my clinic that I had a missed miscarriage (had iui), I was sent to the local hospital a week later for them to see if I had passed everything through.  The first encounter was in the waiting room where all those pregnant and trying to conceive meet - and a pregnant woman started raving on to me about her baby and my one - I didn't have the heart to tell her (why do they lump everyone in together?).  Then when I got in to see the person doing the scan, he said 'how many weeks pregnant' are you?. He obviously hadn't even looked at my notes. I nearly burst into tears


----------



## BroodyChick

Wow beanie, I'd have hit someone. Poor you having to keep a straight face talking to that woman and it's incredible that they can't find a different place for people with mmcs to wait.
I remember waiting for my ERPC (day surgery) and it was just such a long wait (actually I went home again for a bit), the other people in the waiting room were in for all sorts of surgeries And because of the delay there was a lot of chat about what they were all having done. I dreaded someone asking me and I was close to tears. Finally I got closer to the operation (it was by then 6pm and I'd been waiting since 11am), I was starving and probably quite rude to the staff. Totally agree that better provisions are needed for women dealing with miscarriages xx

One sonographer told me at my 6 week scan (following 2 mc's) 'we'll it will either stick or it won't' which isn't really what anyone needs to hear!


----------



## Lola2014

my otd is saturday and my mother knows this, just had a phone call from her so she could read out the birth info in the local newspaper of someone I went to primary school with 22 years ago! She was so pleased to tell me all the info birth weight name etc   sometime I think she does things like this on purpose. my last failed cycle she phoned and told me " I am sorry to tell you that sarah (very distant family member that I've not seen in years and not likely to see in the next god knows how many years) is pregnant"


----------



## Haydan

so i experienced an accidental clanger yesterday - of all days! 

my brother in law (on my DH side; his family dont really know much as his mother is an ignorant selfish cow and has managed to raise a family that never talk to each other about stuff) ...anyhoo... while we were round the evil MILs for mothers day my bil (who i love to bits and get on very well with) turns to me and asks if i got my mothersday card... off my guinea pigs?    

i know he meant it as a harmless joke but i felt like id just been punched in the stomach - i made a quick escape to the toilet before anyone could see me burst into tears!

as if dealing with yesterday wasnt hard enough!


----------



## magicpillow

Hi there, 
I'm new to these boards but can empathise so much with these stories.  We have been ttc for 2.5 years; I'm 38 and have low AMH and my partner virutally no sperm.  Just building up to natural cycle ivf with ISCI.  Anyway, a friend of mine who is the same age, started trying last year.  About a month into her trying, I told her about the probs we have been experiencing and she was sympathetic.  I hadn't seen her in person until this February although we'd been emailing back and forth. 
In Feb, we had a uni girls reunion and she turned up 6 months pregnant!!  The shock of it sent me running to the toilets to compose myself.  I felt physically sick and just wanted to jump in the car and drive home.  I couldn't get over the shock.  As the other friends there didn't know about me, they were all excited and asking for all the details.  The scan photo was passed round and we heard all about the midwife appointments, upcoming maternity leave and how they told their parents.  It was torture.  Had she emailed me in advance I would have had time to absorb the information and would have coped far better.  I just couldn't believe she turned up 6 months pregnant, knowing what we were experiencing.  She did email me later to say that she had toyed with emailing me beforehand but thought it was better in person.  Maybe on our own but not in a massive group!  I am happy for her but it was just so painful.
She also asked in another email if I would adopt or was that not the same in my eyes.  It's more than just adopting though; it's the additional needs a child in the care system will have and the impact of those!  People who haven't experienced infertility have no idea how it feels.  I know she was just trying to be helpful but I was still reeling from her showing up 6 months pg!


----------



## smallbutmighty

magicpillow, what a massive cow. I wonder if these women are just thick as two short planks or fundamentally quite unpleasant. Usually I come down on thinking it must be a bit of both.


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks smallbutmighty; it's reassuring to know that I wasn't overreacting!  I think that as she hasn't experienced fertility problems, she didn't think, but I know full well that if it was the other way around, I would most definitely have emailed beforehand to soften the blow and warn my friend.  Turning up 6 months pregnant when you know someone there is having fertility problems seems a bit insensitive.  The whole day was so hard and I was fighting back tears throughout. 
I can't believe the mention of adopting too in a later email as there would a considerable grieving process that would need to take place before even thinking about adoption!
She said that she can sympathise as she understands what it's like to yearn for a child.  The difference in her situation is that her husband suddenly said he didn't want kids and she had a painful time there (until he changed his mind) but it's different to actual fertility problems.  Hope I'm not sounding like a cow myself now!  I'm still reeling from that day in a way.  The others want to have a meet up before the baby is born but I can't face it.


----------



## Purple Star

Magicpillow, I'm actually gobsmacked that someone would do that! How could she possibly have thought that it was the best way to break her news?? Well done for getting through it, what a nightmare.

Best of luck for your cycle. xx


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks Purple Star.  Glad others think it was a bit off!  We had all driven about 2 hours for this meet up and I had given a friend a lift so I couldn't even make an excuse to leave.  It was so tough going and I did feel so wobbly all day.  Basically couldn't wait to get home and have a good cry!


----------



## HoneyHedgehog

Hi, 

I know there have been many responses to this post already but I had to add mine because it still makes me smile...

After my second miscarriage I was not at work but no one at work knew why I was off or that I'd had a miscarriage.  A colleague texted me to see if I was feeling ok and asking why I wasn't at work. I decided to be honest and told him it was a second miscarriage but asked if he would keep it to himself as I didn't want everyone at work to know. His reply?  

"Mum's the word" !!!!

Even though it was kindly meant the total inappropriate use of words reduced me to fits of laughter and it cheered me up no end!!


----------



## BroodyChick

Wow Honey, that's so insensitive it hurts, but good it made you laugh! Men really are the worst sometimes when it comes to their reaction to miscarriages. I also had two before I had my little boy, so hang in there! I found it helpful to share with select people at work, it may make you feel more supported. Xx


----------



## HoneyHedgehog

Thanks broody chick. I know he didn't mean to be unkind, that's why it made me smile. thanks for your encouragement it's nice to hear 😊


----------



## swanlake

Oh gosh 
These stories are so awful and make me feel so cross, but at least there's some reassurance that I am not the only one putting up with this crap.

My "best "friend" was trying to conceive the same time as us and had a mc same time as us, and over the year she went on to get pregnant quite easily but mc another three times. 

I did my best to support her as she told me about her family in law being so insensitive and friends being really insenensitive, mainly this was when friends/sister I laws told her I. Very insensitive ways that they were preganant again, which she found hard to manage.

Anyway we made a deal that if one of us where to get pregnant we would be really sensitive, pick the right time, maybe tell our dh's first........

Fast forward last November she knew I was going for further immune testing and that it was bad news in terms of what they found.......she called me up, I had just happened to break down in my car, was stranded winter evening, cold, and the pick up truck wasn't coming for another two hours

So I told her this......stuck in car etc and she merrily told me "I'm Pregant"

Well geez thanks, my god that is so sensitive and thoughtful of you to tell me when I am all alone, no dh, in the mifddle of no where broken down and with no one for the couple of hours to comfort me.

You truly are such a good friend!!, 

Needless to say despite me texting her to see how she has been over her pregnancy, not once has she enquired how I am, or knows I have had another mc. She just tells me how wonderful she is doing......time to ditch the friend?😗😗!!

Rrrrrr rant over very therapeutic this board!!!  Lol


----------



## HoneyHedgehog

Hi Swanlake,

I'm so sorry to hear how insensitive your friend has been. It must be surprising as your friend has also had trouble with miscarriages. I also have a friend who despite knowing my history and all the pain we've been through has behaved in a similar way. During her pregnancy she never once considered my feelings and routinely made insensitive comments and put me in awkward situations. The way I coped with it was to focus on the times she has been there for me in the past. There were times when I felt I should end the friendship but I kept thinking if I didn't have her in my life I wouldn't have the support she has given me in the past and hopefully the future and also we have shared many good times over the years. Thankfully after her little one was born she calmed down and became more like her old self. 

I hope your 'friend' will realise what a good friend she has in you (particularly as you've supported her through her pregnancy which can't have been easy for you) and will be more sensitive towards you in the future

Best wishes xxxx


----------



## kandykane

My god some of these people need personality transplants!!


I've been blessed with one ICSI miracle but the idiots keep coming...
How about this one: In the pub with 'the girls' last week. They all know we had tx and had a long 6 year wait for my son to finally arrive. So the conversation moves onto how many children we have and when I'm asked I say "Oh we'd love more but it's not to be" (my standard line) to which one girl (who had IUI so should know better!) piped up "Oh you obviously don't want it enough"    I mean wtf! So I calmly said that I really would love another with all my heart but finances and health issues made it impossible. Her answer? "Well you can't really want another or you'd have one. If you really wanted another child you'd find a way to have one" I was so gobsmacked. How dare she announce (by this time we had an audience) that I don't want another child 'enough'. It cuts me to the core that I can't have another but for a few very good reasons it's just out of the question. What absolute bullsh1t that "if you want it enough it will happen" - no need for IVF ladies, we just need to want it enough!!!


----------



## Haydan

ooh i would have been furious - in fact its made me really mad just reading that it happened to you! i would have had to cut her down - how dare she say something like that! she has zero idea... zero!

and its not just the fact that you either cant afford or cant emotionally jump back on the IF rollercoaster but you also have your miracle to be a mother too - which would make 'trying again' even harder - not easier!

ooh im so angry for you!


----------



## kandykane

I tore strips off her, I have to admit. I explained in front of everyone that we need £9k per tx and only have a 5% chance of success - this decreases the older we get. I told her that we have no savings, no spare money and no access to credit due to our business going bust in the recession. I also told her that when I gave birth I was so ill right after that they called my parents in to see me in case I didn't make it so now I'm terrified of giving birth again even if I was lucky enough to have another miracle as I can't risk leaving the son I do have without a mother. I told her exactly what I thought calmly but loudly and there were jaws on the floor by the time I'd finished. I probably said too much but I'd had wine...


----------



## LittleStampede

Well done you Kandykane! What was her response?


----------



## kandykane

She went to the loo and came back with another drink and talked to someone else.


----------



## Turia

Good for you Kandykane!  Sorry to butt in but your tale also made me furious  

Glad you told her straight whilst still keeping your cool!

Turia x


----------



## Dudders

I think you deserve a medal kandykane .... I'd probably have punched her!


----------



## CrazyHorse

kandykane said:


> I tore strips off her, I have to admit. I explained in front of everyone that we need £9k per tx and only have a 5% chance of success - this decreases the older we get. I told her that we have no savings, no spare money and no access to credit due to our business going bust in the recession. I also told her that when I gave birth I was so ill right after that they called my parents in to see me in case I didn't make it so now I'm terrified of giving birth again even if I was lucky enough to have another miracle as I can't risk leaving the son I do have without a mother. I told her exactly what I thought calmly but loudly and there were jaws on the floor by the time I'd finished. I probably said too much but I'd had wine...


Standing ovation over here!  Keep it real, girl! 

Seriously, people need to hear this stuff.


----------



## aliced

Some people make my blood boil!
This isn't my own story but when me and a friend were discussing a mutual friend's miscarriage after numerous failed IVF treatments.  I mentioned I was concerned as mutual friend was upset about it being close to the birthday of the baby she had miscarried. My friend replied 'well it's not a proper baby, it was a miscarriage' My jaw hit the floor, some people never will get it.


----------



## bombsh3ll

I don't know whether people making comments like these are just ignorant or downright cruel.

Kandykane, I am glad you spelled it out to that woman, she may just think twice before putting her feet into her insensitive mouth in the future.

I had a similar experience at a kids' party last week - one of the mums I didn't know commented on how much my little girl loves babies & asked whether I'd have another. I said I was unable to, but thankful for my daughter as it cost 20k to have her. A friend who knows my history (tubal infertility, placenta accreta, vaginal stenosis) then chimed in with "well you never know, it might just happen naturally .. followed by the old chestnut about the couple who struggled to have one then got pregnant naturally" & just wouldn't let it go. This person also used to work in an IVF clinic so ought to have at least some basic anatomical knowledge.

I told her that the chances of £30k magically appearing in my bank account for a surrogate was probably about the same as that of me waking up one morning with a new complete set of healthy reproductive organs.

Hugs to everyone who has been hurt by tactless words.

B xxx


----------



## Arrows

Kandykane,  that made my blood boil! I'm so glad you gave her a piece of your mind!


----------



## BroodyChick

Kandykane and Bombsh3ll, some people deserve to be put in their place, good of you to educate some ignorant know-it-alls! 
I remember being annoyed at two separate gay friends' 'disappointed reaction' when I announced my pregnancy and told them (they asked) that my son's bio father wasn't my partner, but the donor I had IVF with years before. During a party atmosphere I didn't feel like going into details about my life threatening OHSS and my partner's infertility. In the end of the day it's a private matter and nobody has the right to comment or pass judgement especially when they're totally clueless!


----------



## K jade

What I absolutely cannot stand is the anti reproductive sanctimonious crew who think that ivf is wrong . Their catchphrase usually is 
"a child is a blessing and no one has a RIGHT to have a child"
Er..... Sorry but yes I do.
ALL women with reproductive organs have the right to a child and thankfully ART makes it possible
I honestly cant beleive that some people have the audacity to tell a woman what to do with her womb. If a woman chooses to get pregnant through her husband, a casual fling , a one nighter, the milkman or fertility treatment its her goddam body and her choice
What NO ONE has the right to do is tell a woman what to do with her body


----------



## Miss pooh

This isn't officially a clanger because the person doesn't know about any of treatment , fertility issues. 

But it's a clanger none the less. 
In a meeting at work, I always take my 1.5ltr sports drink holder with either water or juice. This day I was running late so grabbed the water and my book and the little robinsons juice concentrate so that I could add it whilst at the meeting. So got in sat down, got settled. Added the black current and apple flavour to my water. I'm the only female at this meeting too, one of my colleagues exclaims at full volume, oh my god !! You are pregnant! I looked around confused realising he was talking about me, and I asked what he meant? Oh the water turned pink so does that not mean you are pregnant?? Eh what kind of world is that an appropriate comment to make at work??

Honestly shut up and stop digging a pointless hole for yourself. I totally brushed it off but felt awkward.


----------



## BroodyChick

Wow Miss Pooh, that's wrong on so many levels!! Did anyone pull him up on his inappropriate and ignorant comment?

K Jade, what you said makes perfect sense. Pro choice where your body and life is concerned includes doing everything medically possible to have a much wanted baby. Had a heated discussion with my cousin (young enough to be incredibly naive but old enough to know much better: 26!) this week. She honestly felt qualified to comment about people chosing to have a child who is disabled without knowing anyone in that situation. Her arrogance is staggering and she basically tried to explain that people who decide to continue a pregnancy with a disabled (ie downs) child are selfish! She's only just started her first job so she's not exactly a 'productive' member of society herself. I know two mums with adorable daughters who have Down's, both were much longed for babies and one mum had Ivf and is over 40 so there was never a question of her not having her daughter who is developing amazingly.
My cousin actually said she also disagrees with Ivf and if she couldn't get pregnant naturally shed just accept her 'fate', yet she couldn't accept the fate of parents of disabled children! Totally absurd and so offensive, not to mention she was judging me, my TX and single mum status... I put it down to lack of life experience and moved the discussion on.


----------



## duckybun

Miss pooh!! Wtf??!! Was he trying to be funny? Either way he's an absolute bin lid


----------



## swanlake

Thanks honey hedgehog

I will try and think of your good advice with insensitive friend.
Kandykane I am glad you gave her a piece of your mind.

miss pooh, words fail me with this guy??

When I was in Drs office after just having been told about mmc just recently the Dr asked me if I believed in God? Wtf?.!!! He then went on to tell me of a couple who he worked with who had numerous failed ivfs and then gave up, only to get pregnant....." Hallelujah praise the Lord!! (Sorry if there are religious bods here, no offence meant 😀😀) all I needed to do was believe......dorm quite hard to believe in God after 3 failed ivfs, one previous miscarriage and now sitting here having miscarried again.....but era thanks for the tip, I will bear it in mind

Of course I didn't say this, I just sobbed......he actually turned out to be very helpful in the end, but people who have never had to deal with this pain just really don't know what to say and even those who have once I they get preggers seem to forget 

I hope if I do get preggers I would never forget this time and will always be sensitive to others.

Hang on in there girls.....heh we should collect all these comments and make it into a book, would be a best seller!!

My favourite at the mo is the Matalan advert

" matalan is for mothers, mothers to be, fathers, new fathers, old fathers, families, etc etc" so that's it for me then can't shop at matalan as I am not one of those people......maybe they should have a " matalan for ivf'ers".....!!

Xxx


----------



## Pookz

In fairness, the woman concerned in my clanger didn't know my history, but I was once told by a family friend how "awfully disappointed my parents must be that I have not blessed them with grandchildren"! I managed to wait until she had left before crying!


----------



## swanlake

Pookz

That is awful, sorry for that comment, truly mean. 

I wish I could think of quick come backs, but it's only afterwards isn't it that we think of things?

Xxx


----------



## Guest

I agree with Swanlake, these stories would make a good book! I'm happy to have mine included and add some to it!   Does anyone think it would educate people & stop them being so insensitive/ignorant, or would people carry on anyway unless they went through it themselves? Probably educating is a good start though


----------



## duckybun

Gailegirl, I am utterly gobsmacked by your story! To think some people are so self absorbed that they would feel the need to retaliate in such a hateful fashion is staggering... Lost for words, I have no idea how you behaved yourself, I honestly don't know what I'd've done...


----------



## swanlake

Gailgegirl

I think that tops the lot, I think you are right she was a troll in more than one sense of the word- good on you for carrying on as though it didn't bother you- probably the best thing you could have done. 

Xx


----------



## Miss pooh

Gailgegirl, sorry to hear that. Insensitive doesn't cover it! I find it unreal that there people trolling the real life situations of others. Sick. 

Swan lake, I'm sure the doctor meant well, and has obviously helped since but really had no place making claims like that, that's is actually the kind of stupid thing that those who know nothing about ivf Would say! And he does know it all, so why why why? similarly I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I'm not interested in religion or how it can help in a situation like this. 

Broody chick no one said anything, a number of people weren't listening but still, awkward as anything! He is an odd chap and I just let it go, but it must have been bothering me because I mentioned it to my husband later and he was like" what??"  

Yes perhaps he was trying to be funny.......and failed miserably. Hope he realised when he saw my face.


----------



## Tigger99

Gailgegirl - I can't believe what happened to you. How did you NOT deck her? What a nasty person.   

Pookz - how disappointed her parents must be that they didn't bring her up to be more tactful.  

Swanlake - no offence taken. Not really the most appropriate time and place to bring up religion / faith!!


----------



## CrazyHorse

Pookz said:


> In fairness, the woman concerned in my clanger didn't know my history, but I was once told by a family friend how "awfully disappointed my parents must be that I have not blessed them with grandchildren"! I managed to wait until she had left before crying!


Family friend or no, I think I would have *had* to say, "That's an extremely insensitive and rude thing to say. Why on earth would you say something so hurtful to me?" That woman is a dolt.


----------



## BroodyChick

Good response CrazyHorse! Those people should be held to account and learn to be more thoughtful in the future x
It really irks me that just because people can control their fertility better these days by using effective contraception it's automatically assumed that being childless is a 'choice'. I always try to put people right if they say something along those lines to me- hearing that someone spent '10 years trying' or 'seven years involuntarily childless' certainly gives them food for thought. I'd have had my son eight years ago if things had worked out differently.


----------



## sophiekh

I have been told recently that 'if you cant have kids its not the end of the world' - what people dont understand is the heartache we go through to even try. 
Its not the end of the world, but it still hurts


----------



## Haydan

for some it does seem like the end of the world- my DH just can't see a life without children- all he's ever wanted was children. What does he do if that can't happen. That's what people just don't 'get' when they brush it off as not a real problem 😔


----------



## holiday_girl

Well here I am fresh from another clanger; sadly I'm having a miscarriage and had to go to A&E as things were going a bit wrong. Having told the admissions nurse we'd had IVF as part of what was going on she actually asked me, mid-miscarriage if we're able to have another go and she got really defensive when, after bursting into tears I said 'oh my God that's so insensitive'. I can see why she said it in her panic for us and the sadness of the situation but I think she was hoping I could reassure HER that it's fine because we can have more goes! Hopefully she'll think before making that mistake again...


----------



## Scorpy

This is more of a light hearted clanger as I accept that this person truly didnt mean to offend...
He knows all about my IVF, struggles etc...
I asked him 'What do you think the meaning of life really is?' his response.... 'Reproducing to have children'  
I replied jokingly 'You heartless b******!' and the shock on his face was a picture! He couldnt believe he'd said it to me, but the fact is...he's probably right!


----------



## onelasttime

Here's mine:-
1. Bursting into tears whilst signing forms for ERPC after mmc of twins at 10 weeks, nurse says 'I know you're upset, but you have to realise that it's hard for us too'.
2. Same nurse running up to me in Marks and Spencer 2 weeks later to ask whether I'd 'got over it yet'. Mental woman. Nearly killed her.
3. 'Friend' telling me  that she'd kept her daughter's baby clothes for me in the loft for 4 years but had had to give them to someone else.(I'd had 5 failed IVFs and several miscarriages at this point). Thanks for that. 
4. Same friend a) offering me her 42 year old eggs and b) offering to give me her daughter to look after until she was 7 years old/more manageable. Again, thanks. 
5. SIL telling me to get a dog.


----------



## swanlake

One last time

And you are still standing and not in a crazy house after all of those?!! Omg that nurse needs to be shot- how awful for you to have all of that said to you. People are just plain crazy as though a miscarriage is somehow not as important as they aren't real babies, but to us they really are. 

But it's ok not having a baby cause yes we can just get dogs, go on holidays and look after nieces and nephews and then everything will be tickity boo. Crazy 

I saw my mum last night for first time since mmc and the first thing literally that came out of her mouth was " your cousins cousin twice removed, uncles aunt (not quite like that but basically a distance relative who I don't care two hoots about and never see) has had a baby girl"'oh really great mum that's really cheered me up, thanks.

last time it was "have you been watching the midwives series ? Yes cause at this point in my life that really makes me feel so much happier seeing women having babies and getting pregnant (ps my mums not really this insensitive don't know what was going on! 

Xxx


----------



## bombsh3ll

I had that too, within minutes of telling my MIL I was miscarrying my first IVF pregnancy she asked if I'd been watching "Call the midwife"!


----------



## swanlake

Crazy!!!!

Sorry for your loss too bombshell 

Luckily my mil is a bit more sensitive than my mother, maybe they just don't know what to say...... Xxx


----------



## Scorpy

Just had a newspaper article shoved in my face by my mother 'Having a baby at 40 isnt that bad!' - IM THIRTHY TWO?!!!   Pffff Im sick of receiving newspaper articles!


----------



## Zombie

Oh good lordy lorks! Some people!

I've had the usual "Just relaaaaaax and enjoy practising and it'll happen... Because obviously DH and I hate having sex with each other and I'm uptight..."

I've had the: "I know someone who knows someone who just gave up trying/had several failed IVF and stopped/adopted and guess what happened...?"

I've been told to book a holiday, because of course, the act of booking an expensive holiday means that the universe makes you pregnant... Unfortunately, the universe thought that dropping £2.5k on 10 days in Cyprus in 2012 wasn't expensive enough obviously... Was a good holiday, mind.

My step MIL is a total douche. Since the day of our wedding she's been on at us to "give" her a grandchild. It got so bad that she'd ask every single time we saw her and eventually, on Christmas day, in front of her parent's, my brothers in law, father in law and her sisters she asked again "So Mungo, when are you going to give me a grandchild?" My reply was "When Mr Mungo puts one in me!" The silence in the room was defening. No one knew what to say. This was before our tests had come back and IVF had been recommended.
She now asks stupid questions about the IVF and then doesn't listen to the answers because she's too dim to understand the answers. I've now stopped telling her anything because all she does is gossip about it. She also asked DH (her step son) if he was "firing blanks"....

Another one of hers was when I had found out I was pregnant after the first IVF, she was all excited and I told her not to be gobbing off about it because it was still early days and her reply was "well you've had a positive test and it was confirmed by the clinic, so that's good enough for me!" Then when I miscarried 10 days later, she replied "I know exactly how you feel. I had 2 MCs and now I've got my two boys and most of the time I could just f-ing kill them!!!". Gobsmacked.

More clangers: After the first IVF, my first day back at work after my MC and I was approached in the corridor by someone who was with someone else and mouthed "Are you pregnant?". My reply "I was, but now I'm not."

The very same day someone else said to me "You're glowing...." then raised her eyebrows. My reply "I'm not"

Another one (the same week as the two above) was someone I trained with at uni started work at my place and sat moaning about her 1 year old, how naughty she is and how she doesn't sleep and how having a baby is sooo hard and sometimes how she'd just love a break from being a parent. She then turned to look at me and said "Have you had a baby yet?". Cue the tumbleweed as everyone else at the desk went silent. I replied "nope" and my boss, bless her said "not yet, but you have a cunning plan don't you Mungo"

Following the MC, people have given the "everything happens for a reason" speech.. Ah yes, I've had easily the worst 5 years of my life, culminating in being told I'm infertile but we don't know why, having the joy of stabbing myself daily, then several strangers shoving things up my chuff, becoming pregnant, losing my pregnancy and then my sister giving birth the same week.. and all because it's part of a higher plan and for a reason... what reason? To make me stronger? Don't think I really need that. Or is it just to make me lose my sh*t, especially when there are people who pop out kids like shelling peas, only to neglect them and send them into care... Yep, reasons... Good one.

I've also had another one recently which was really crud. A friend of mine had a "surprise" baby after getting drunk with her DH. At the beginning this pregnancy was the worst thing ever for the couple, but I tried to be supportive. Now they have a baby and she's gorgeous and lovely and my friend is an awesome mum. Another friend said to us all at a birthday celebration (last week) "Awwww, you need to have another baby because L*** is so adorable, you make amazing babies!" Fu*k me! Am I invisible or something!?!

The same "friend" also had the gall to mention at a recent social gathering that when she gets married next year they want to start trying for a baby but she's crapping herself because she's worried that being on the pill for 16 years will have affected her fertility and she might not be able to conceive... While I was 2 days from egg collection.

I don't understand why people can't just stop and think about what they're about to say and just stop!

Fertile folks are the bloody worst!!


----------



## CrazyHorse

Mungobungo said:


> Following the MC, people have given the "everything happens for a reason" speech.. Ah yes, I've had easily the worst 5 years of my life, culminating in being told I'm infertile but we don't know why, having the joy of stabbing myself daily, then several strangers shoving things up my chuff, becoming pregnant, losing my pregnancy and then my sister giving birth the same week.. and all because it's part of a higher plan and for a reason... what reason? To make me stronger? Don't think I really need that. Or is it just to make me lose my sh*t, especially when there are people who pop out kids like shelling peas, only to neglect them and send them into care... Yep, reasons... Good one.


"Everything happens for a reason" always makes me want to stab the speaker in the face, and not just when it's about infertility. Everything happens for a bl**dy reason? REALLY? Tell that to kids who have been victims of war crimes, relatives of people killed in earthquakes, parents whose teenagers die of drug overdoses. It's such a smug, pointless statement, and it never fails to raise my blood pressure. Grr!


----------



## noteasy

CrazyHorse said:


> Mungobungo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Following the MC, people have given the "everything happens for a reason" speech.. Ah yes, I've had easily the worst 5 years of my life, culminating in being told I'm infertile but we don't know why, having the joy of stabbing myself daily, then several strangers shoving things up my chuff, becoming pregnant, losing my pregnancy and then my sister giving birth the same week.. and all because it's part of a higher plan and for a reason... what reason? To make me stronger? Don't think I really need that. Or is it just to make me lose my sh*t, especially when there are people who pop out kids like shelling peas, only to neglect them and send them into care... Yep, reasons... Good one.
> 
> 
> 
> "Everything happens for a reason" always makes me want to stab the speaker in the face, and not just when it's about infertility. Everything happens for a bl**dy reason? REALLY? Tell that to kids who have been victims of war crimes, relatives of people killed in earthquakes, parents whose teenagers die of drug overdoses. It's such a smug, pointless statement, and it never fails to raise my blood pressure. Grr!
Click to expand...

I agree wholeheartedly, *crazyhorse*.


----------



## Viking1

Hi, 

I am fairly new here (been reading a lot of posts though), but am really in the need for some company in the misery that is being female with no children in this world.....

I recently miscarried on the same day that my colleague became a grandmother for the first time. Feeling the all to familiar pain arriving as she kept going on about the difficult labour etc... 

This is also the same woman who pointed out in a meeting, when discussing summer holidays, that as I don't have any one to look after my request for time off essentially didn't count as much as hers.....


----------



## Hopeful3429

Why the H do people shove babies in your face when they know your current situation. I am so nearly at the point of just shouting at them. MY DH's nephew is constantly shoved in my face to hold and play with. DH really doesnt understand how it makes me feel and thinks that I am being negative towards his family members - which I am not I have gone with it and put myself through it and held the baby on several occasions even though it just makes me want to cry. My question is... why when they know exactly what we are going through do they continue to do it. I could litteraly scream just thinking about it.


----------



## Zombie

Oh Hopeful it's awful isn't it? People don't realise that sometimes you'll want to be around babies and other times you'd rather gouge out your eyeballs with a rusty fork.

The other day I had _"It's a shame that this cycle didn't work, why don't you take a break from it?_".. Ok, I'll switch off my brain shall I? Switch off the thought that now not only do I have the worry that I'm not getting any younger, the physical and emotional pain of being childless and seeing everyone else get pregnant but on top now I have to try and find a few grand to pay for the next cycle... Yes I'll be taking a break, but purely to try and save some money to pay for the privilege of being poked, prodded, stabbed, having what feels like the entire universe seeing my foof on a regular basis and all for a slim chance of it working. Taking a break won't make it any easier though.


----------



## Hopeful3429

Mungobungo   its so hard isn't it. I couldn't cope with someone suggesting that I take a break like you have an on/off button. 

Some people seem so supportive but the next minute they are handing you a baby. I actually told the same person a while back that sometimes I'm OK with it and other times I find it quite difficult in an attempt to make them think. It happened yesterday and all she could say was "dont worry you will have yours some day" I really don't want the pity! it almost makes me feel that when the day comes I will treat these people differently when I remember these insensitive times.


----------



## Zombie

A couple of years ago I had someone (that I used to work with, whose husband plays football with my husband) ask me, in a pub surrounded by DH's football team why we hadn't had a baby yet and then when I told her that we were having infertility investigations, she told me that she'd happily be our surrogate...!  Now every time I see her she repeats herself that she'll be our surrogate. She says she loved being pregnant, but doesn't want another baby herself so she'd happily carry ours for us. Erm, weird!!


----------



## Hopeful3429

That is so creepy! to say it so flippantly and then to repeat it   

I find that people close to me just dont like to discuss it and if I mention it the subject seems to change quite quickly!


----------



## Sootie

After my chemical on my 4th cycle my so called best friend just said to me “oh well”, she hadn’t experienced ivf then but went on to have 6 cycles herself.  I helped guide her through the process although she kept reminding me that it was her journey which I totally accepted.  I was lucky enough to have my DD on my 5th cycle and was sensitive that friend was going thought ivf and she’s only met DD twice (last time was over 15 months ago).  She is now pregnant with twins 25weeks + and still doesn’t want to meet DD, only me, which can make things difficult.  She didn’t even send DD a birthday card this year., despite us sending her step-sons birthday/Christmas presents. Final straw came when we met up a few months ago and she said a friend was having a miscarriage and even though she was sorry she wouldn’t have any sympathy with her until she’d experienced 5 like she had.  She also keeps texting me implying that I am selfish for not wanting to provided DD with a sibling as her twins will be so close.  I’m currently trying to distance myself, will do the decent thing and meet the twins and then move on!


----------



## Haydan

i dont even know what to say to that Sootie!


----------



## Zombie

Oh my gosh! Sootie!!


----------



## Hopeful3429

Sootie, that is so mean, keep your chin up!


----------



## Tigger99

Scotie- I can't believe she said that!!! I have had 5 miscarriages and I wouldn't wish that anyone else in the world has to go through what I did!! Each miscarriage brought its own individual pain. I think someone who had only 1 miscarriage would totally understand what I have been through with 5. What an unempathatic thing to say!!! Oh gosh - I hope she isn't on here!!!


----------



## Sootie

I know, I was so shocked when she said about the miscarriages that I just couldn’t speak.  I did give her this website at the start but she dismissed it but she could have just been saying that because her DH was dead against it.  I guess infertility changes people, you would think going through similar struggles would make you more sympathetic!


----------



## Haydan

id say - about 2 years ago i found out one of my friends had suffered 2 mc (1 before each of her successful pregnancies) and i don't for a minute think i've suffered more (or less) than her. each pain is different, individual and it should not be a competition to validate who has suffered the most. 
absolutely ridiculous!

she actually told me because she wanted me to feel that i could go to her about how i'm feeling / struggling with IF, that she had some idea what i was going through but wasn't comparing


----------



## Haydan

Does it count from the universe? Lol 

At the gym today (you know trying to get fitter and healthier cuz only healthy people get pregnant!) and I get stuck next to a pg woman and just start crying so naturally I dash into the changing room and who follows a couple minutes later!! Yes pg woman! and then cue depressing song playing through the gyms sound system 😭😭😭😭 

The universe sucks!!!


----------



## Talkingfrog

Not an insensitive comment, but just unfortunate timing. 

Have a dd from our first icsi cycle.  One of the other girls in our section was a few weeks behind me. A third would have been a month behind her, but mc at 12 weeks.  I felt for her having to see both of us growing, but she told us that she didn't want us to behave any differently and she was the one to started baby related conversations. She knew I had gone through treatment and it sort of helped her knowing that there were things that could be tried if needed.  Fortunately she fell pregnant again shortly after and I came back from maternity leave as she started. 

She is now pregnant again which I am really pleased about. I genuinely get excited about hearing baby news from others.  Unfortunately the day she chose to tell the section would have been my due date would have been if our last cycle had been successful.  It was really pleased for her, but as it was just before lunch when she told everyone I was so pleased that I had told people I was popping out to the shops during my lunch.  I  was feeling emotional anyway but got to my car and had a little cry to get it out of my system.


----------



## clahay

Wow, these stories have made me laugh out loud, cry and feel angry....amazing!

Like the OP, I have had the "I knew someone who knew a girl who died of cancer just after her twins were born because of the infertility drugs".  Thank you for that one. 

Often have the "why haven't you had a baby yet" and "you should have children, you don't know real love until you have children" and "you shouldn't leave it too much longer".......what a flipping good idea!!!! Yes, let's have some babies right now!  Right this minute!!!!!!

All my friends are fully aware of what we have been through and are going through.  One of them keeps talking about how she thinks she has fertility problems even though she hasn't actually tried to get pregnant yet.  That is quite annoying.

Oh, and every woman in the world is pregnant according to my ********.


----------



## Alotbsl

Hi ladies, had a comment today at work worthy to post here I think.

A colleague brought her baby in to work today and did the usual round around the office. As well as my own IF issues there is a lady in the office who recently had a miscarriage. I said to my team lead that I thought it was inappropriate for people to bring their babies in as it can cause great distress, her answer - ' I know what you mean, it's like when people bring in cakes and chocolate knowing I am on a diet' !!!!

Now is it just me or is comparing infertility and not being able to have children the same as not being able to stick a biscuit in you gob! Ahhhhhh made me really angry.


----------



## Hoping 2014

Hey Alotsbl 

I hope you aloofly said "no, it's not at all like that" and walked away. I aways think of my best replies hours after the incident!!! 

I too agree that the baby parade should be banned. I work in a hospital - how is it appropriate to bring your new born into a building full of disease!!! If I ever get lucky I swear I will not do this. I know too many others going through this silent battle and I would be agast at causing them pain. 

My boss retired recently and had a party in the hospital. I was standing with all the staff when two ladies brought their sprogs in - cue every single woman ran over to them like they were magnets. I was left with the men looking awkard. I made some stupid excuse and left.


----------



## Sbarky15

I married my husband in October 2014, so only been married 7 months and of course, everyone is expecting some other news... Especially my two best friends (one is currently 7 months gone (1), the other has a 7 year old child and 2 abortions (2) - yep!!) I just love how they sit there cooing and sharing pregnancy related stories, friend number (2) dishing out labour advice, parental advice, while I sit there all blasé. Then the dreaded "It's your turn next Barky!" "You would make great parents!" "Come on, you're married now!"  arises... 

In their defence, they don't know. I don't want to share my story with people who have no idea how it feels to be disappointed month after month - they only have to sniff a bit of their partners jizzums and they get pregnant. Unwanted advice; complaints of pregnancy and motherhood? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!

I'm also a step parent now, so I love it even more when they encourage my husband to join in on their parenting stories. While I sit there like a lemon. "Your husband already has kids, so at least you two can have your life!" is a personal favourite of mine, and words to that effect!   

I'll keep up with the "my dogs are my babies" and the "oh I want to do some more travelling before I even think of it," for now. Maybe I am making things worse for myself, but I just find it easier to deal with the situation while everyone else thinks the lack of offspring is through my own choice, and not the alternative. 

I have my FF friends <3


----------



## Zombie

Not really an insensitive thing because the lady didn't know about my struggles, but while at work, deailing with a pregnant woman she'd mentioned that she was worried and anxious because it'd taken 2 years to conceive. I almost chewed my face off in order to remain professional and stop myself from saying 'TWO YEARS! That's nothing, try 8 years of disappointment, OPKs and temperature charting, 2 rounds of ivf and a miscarriage'. Of course I smiled politely and delay with her concerns before sending her on her way and letting a tiny tear slip out in the linen cupboard.


----------



## Sbarky15

Literally just had this from my best friend.... Need to post before I explode...

Enjoy your life not being pregnant lol. I can't wait till I can roll over, walk properly, lay down, get back up, cuddle n*** properly and have a ****ing fruit cider lol xx


----------



## Trunky

On overhearing that our FET had failed, one colleague cheerfully offered me her teenage son as he was 'housetrained now'. I told her calmly to think again about what she had just said and that comments like that were deep,y upsetting to anyone suffering from infertility. 

She's the sensitive type and I'm not. She didn't speak to me for a week. I felt a bit bad but then I'm glad I told her. May make her think twice about being so insensitive and upsetting someone less able to cope.


----------



## Haydan

dont feel bad - she felt she had the right to say that to you so she must deal with the consequences.
hold your head up high - how many of us just smile politely and walk away then wish we had said something to make them 'think'


----------



## CrazyHorse

Trunky said:


> On overhearing that our FET had failed, one colleague cheerfully offered me her teenage son as he was 'housetrained now'. I told her calmly to think again about what she had just said and that comments like that were deep,y upsetting to anyone suffering from infertility.
> 
> She's the sensitive type and I'm not. She didn't speak to me for a week. I felt a bit bad but then I'm glad I told her. May make her think twice about being so insensitive and upsetting someone less able to cope.


Funny how being "sensitive" usually means being hypersensitive to any perceived criticism of oneself, no matter how well deserved, not actual sensitivity to what words might cause other people needless pain when coming out of one's mouth!


----------



## Jet

Hi ladies
Thanks for the great posts I can related to some 😀
I had one unhelpful comment from a work colleague who ask me in front of all the reception area if my husband was sticking it in my ear to which I replied oh that was where we were going wrong!! 
Also my SIL has told me how fertile she is only got to look at her man and she is pregnant the next month!! What can you say to that!!! 
My biggest upset came from my cousin who was just beginning her infertility journey as she could related to all my feelings however one trip to the GP for some clomid and next month she was pregnant and from that moment she never has asked me how am I and it is all about her children and if I mention I am going on holiday she snubs it she took great delight on telling me how broody she was before she went back to the GP for some more clomid and hey presto pregnant again the following month!!
I work with a 40 year and a 60 year old one morning a week and both of them without fail will go on about their pregnancies both there "kids" are in the 20/30 ish but without fail pregnancy will come up!!! 
Thank you for reading unless you have experienced infertility people have no idea what we have to endure and the stupid comments that are made...


----------



## Pookz

Wow! I had a slightly insensitive doctor he other day!
Went in to try and sort out my meds for my headaches (the current one has lasted 2 months!) and was asked why I stopped my meds 2 years ago. I explained that they had been stopped by my current doc as me & the other half were TTC. Her response? "Well, did you not think to come back once your baby was born?" Angry? Me? I managed to politely point out that she may want to read my notes!


----------



## bobo66

Pookz - that is truly awful! And from a doctor too....


----------



## Haydan

ooh i hope you told her to do her job properly and stop jumping to conclusions!


----------



## Baking Queen

None of these are new to any of us here, but I've never experienced them all in such quick succession and mostly from one person!  One of the instructors at our gym was leaving so we popped in the local pub have a farewell drink with her.  Most people at the gym (people mentioned below included) are well aware of mine and DH's struggles to get pregnant but it certainly didn't stop them

It started off with someone speaking to a member who had just had a baby asking me and DH when we were going to have children and we should get a move on.  I replied telling them we were due to start our 8th round of IVF so were hopeful this would be the one.  This was followed up by the member (with the nine week old baby) telling us how we just needed to relax and not stress about it because that's what happened to her.  She was now in full flow and went on to say how she was worried about time ticking on for her (she's 37, I'm 42 in a few weeks) and it took them two years - six years and counting for us!  She then says how bored she is since she's had the baby - she finished 10 days before her due date and was a few days late, but she's gone back to work for two days a week now.  Obviously by now, the conversation is a little strained, so she's goes in for the kill to stop the conversation completely - will you adopt if IVF doesn't work?!  At that point, I walked off to find someone else to talk to who was a bit more tactful.

Just had to get that all of my chest!

BQ. xx


----------



## Baking Queen

It is amazing just how insensitive people can be sometimes.  Bahhumbug- sending you


----------



## Haydan

sometimes I wish I carried an big "you're an idiot" button so that all i have to do is press it when people say stuff like that and then walk off lol


----------



## CrazyHorse

There's got to be an app for your phone that can do that!    Press a button, play a sound file with a Stephen Hawking-like voice saying "You are an idiot."  Love it!


----------



## Haydan

haha! even better - big bang theory style!


----------



## Bax

I'd love that phone app!  

I think I might have the winning clanger.  After our third round of IVF and one miscarriage, my mother ever so tactfully asked me if I would consider her as a surrogate.  When I pointed out the problem was likely to be my age and that she is now over 60, sterilised and retired, her response was "well at least we know my womb works"...  Yes we do, you old trout, you managed to conceive and have me BUT THAT WAS OVER FORTY YEARS AGO!!!  I know I've vented about that somewhere else on this forum, but I still can't believe she actually said it


----------



## Haydan

I have no words...

You definitely are a contender for worst clanger


----------



## Tigger99

Oh Bax - poor you! What a thing to say. My womb / Fertilty worked perfectly well twenty years ago! It doesn't now!!


----------



## swanlake

Oh bax that's terible- poor you, def a clanger! Xx


----------



## Charmars

I am so glad I found this thread.

I def think I have a winner

After opening up to a few friends in the pub about our failed IVF attempt one of my friends, who has 2 kids, replied 'Well Ive got 2 you can have, your lucky!!'

I was so gobsmacked I just let it go. But seriously, a) I just told you how hard it was as we have ben trying for 10 years and no luck, then you b) offer me your children like some sort of coniolation prize and then c) declare I am lucky to not have kids!!!


----------



## LittleStampede

Here's my latest clanger...

I was due to do a presentation to 200 people on 25th June. I agreed to do it, wrote the presentation, then got my long-awaited first consultation appointment through from our clinic - at the exact same time on the exact same day. Phoned up to try and change it but that would've meant waiting another month, and we've waited long enough (2yrs to get to this stage so far). So, I told my MD I couldn't do the presentation. We've known each other a long time and he came to my wedding, so have quite a good relationship. I decided to open up to him about the reason for not being able to do the presentation. He was so so supportive, said that I could just go through him when I needed time off, and was generally really lovely. He said he knew how much it meant to me, and was really nice even when my eyes started welling up.

Fast forward a week, and work have found someone else to do the presentation instead of me. She's about 27 wks pregnant. Cue comment from MD whilst it's just me and him in his office - "they'll go easy on her, she's got a bump." I just went really quiet and then walked out, trying to avoid crying. I know he didn't mean it horribly, but seriously?! I only told you last week about my treatment!!

Arghhhh!!


----------



## sophiekh

Charmars said:


> I am so glad I found this thread.
> 
> I def think I have a winner
> 
> After opening up to a few friends in the pub about our failed IVF attempt one of my friends, who has 2 kids, replied 'Well Ive got 2 you can have, your lucky!!'
> 
> I was so gobsmacked I just let it go. But seriously, a) I just told you how hard it was as we have ben trying for 10 years and no luck, then you b) offer me your children like some sort of coniolation prize and then c) declare I am lucky to not have kids!!!


This is thing I really hate!!! How is it lucky not to have kids, i know some people mean it as light hearted joke. but its one of the comments that get to me
oh youre lucky you dont have kids/partner .. you have so much time/money/do you want


----------



## clahay

God bless the stupid!

I had one this morning......I was told that maybe I should change my job (as I have one of the most stressful roles here) and then I might get pregnant.

Yes, because the more relaxed I am, the more my husband's anti-sperm antibodies will die off!  Proven fact that.


----------



## swanlake

Ah infertility is so crap.

My latest clanger
A friend at work who is one of two who know my difficulties, failed ivf and two Mc's
We were catching up over a coffee and she asked how I was and she was very sympathetic etc, 
I asked how she was with stuff as she had recently had a few probs and she was talking about how hard it was coming back to work when she has  a five and three year old. She then said "I probably shouldn't be saying this to you but it's worse because I have started to feel so broody and really want a third child, but it's  not the right time......

Er yes , you really should have kept that one to yourself, as much as I value our friendship.......why to people talk to us people who are struggling about stuff like this? As though it won't at all feel like a knife being plunged into our hearts. 

Feels like another friend bits the dust as next thing I know it will be " erm got something to tell you.......

I know friendships are two ways but it was so painful

Arrgghhhh xxx


----------



## Annie37

Just had a lovely one.... Telling an work colleague ( or Mr super sperm  as he once called himself after he told me him and his wife got pregnant both times after only one month) about moving into our new house how exciting it is and all the plans we have for it.. And he said.. Wow a 5 bedroom house well the two of you are just going to be rattling around that. It's a shame as family houses in that area are hard to come by you have probably stopped some poor kid getting into a school they should go to..

What an insensitive idiot. This is the same man who told me my fertility dropped off a cliff after I was 35 and I've just remembered another time he said to me that there is more to life than holidays ( after he heard me trying to book two mini breaks ( ie trying to get pregnant on holiday thinking it would help)  we should have kids.


----------



## CrazyHorse

Annie37 said:


> Just had a lovely one.... Telling an work colleague ( or Mr super sperm as he once called himself after he told me him and his wife got pregnant both times after only one month) about moving into our new house how exciting it is and all the plans we have for it.. And he said.. Wow a 5 bedroom house well the two of you are just going to be rattling around that. It's a shame as family houses in that area are hard to come by you have probably stopped some poor kid getting into a school they should go to..


Not only insensitive, how completely stupid! Does this moron understand how buying a house works? It's not as if you prevented a family with kids from putting in an offer! If it were me, I would just stop talking to the guy altogether -- doesn't sound as if he'll ever say anything worth hearing.


----------



## Sbarky15

Sorry Annie but he sounds like a right c0ck.   
I'd be tempted kick him in his super swimmers... 

I dont think I have a contender compared to that one. Or most on here, but need to vent my anger from a friends baby shower this weekend...

First of all a complete stranger asking me to confirm how great motherhood is and how its the best thing ever that can be done   (I gave my best - "I wouldn't know, I prefer my over 18's only holidays thanks!" - my defense mechanism)

Secondly, a best friend of mine loudly suggested - "How can you win 'guess the body part on the baby scan' you havnt even got kids!" - to a room full of woman where I was the only one who wasnt a parent.

Then, my own mother questionning how I knew what the third trimester was, looking at my husband with a grin as if to say "we know what one is, because we're parents - how does she know?!"

Then hubby moaning because he will be getting a fathers day card from school late, as he will be working on fathers day. My reply - "AT LEAST YOU WILL GET ONE!" (bitter or what!?)


----------



## JemJams

OMG Annie 37!!! That's awful!!! I agree with Mrs Barky that you should kick him in his super swimmers!! It`s bad enough that you feel excluded from so many things due to infertility, are we not even allowed to buy a house now if we don't have children!!!! Unbelievable!!! 

Have had the usual ones about relaxing, it'll happen when I least expect it etc and most recently my mum saying after I gave up on drug treatment (clomid then letrozol- doc's thought it would be fun to see if I could ovulate as a way of passing the time till we can start icsi!!!) as it wasn't working that I should just enjoy trying naturally, as if I'm putting myself through all this because I'm just impatient!!! Explained we had significant male factor issues and I don't ovulate even on a shed load of drugs. Added that we could do it 10 times a day everyday and still unlikely to get pregnant and I was told off for being crude!!! Hilarious but in my mum's defence I was very upset and she just doesn't know what to say to me, gets nervous and then inevitable says the wrong thing bless her!!! 

My best/worst one happened when I told my best friend who is a bit rubbish at the best of times!! I told her that we were on a waiting list for icsi and her response was "congratulations, I'm so happy you're trying for children, you've always wanted them". Literally speechless!!!


----------



## Annie37

What a guy eh!!! 

You have some crackers too.. Even mums and besties put their feet right in! 

Oh god... We have all just to keep in grinning and bearing it..and in the meanwhile pretend we love hearing all the advice we have heard before.. Fun! Ha ha!


----------



## kandykane

Nit really a clanger, just a grumble, woke up to a ******** from a school friend announcing the birth of her second child and complaining they didn't have a water birth! She should be grateful she had a safe delivery of a healthy second child not whinging *in the birth announcement* that it wasn't in water!!! Delighted for her but think she needs a sense of perspective!! What was a bit hurtful is that the ******** was specifically to me, not a circular thing, she knows all about our IF troubles and my desperate longing for a second child, I don't for a moment think she should be treading on eggshells around me at such a happy time for her, but seriously? banging on about how annoyed she was she didn't have the water birth of her dreams?? gaaahhh! Obviously I commiserated and congratulated but went and had a little cry afterwards


----------



## hopespringseternal27

Big hugs to all of us going through this journey. There have been some absolute corkers on TV recently. The bank one in particular. " they bought this house so they could have me", leaves me shouting at the TV. Any car ads too. Best one has come from my SIL, "E won't have any cousins to play with" all I could say to my husband was "WTF!?!?!?"Some people have no idea.
I work in an environment where I have to look after adults and children. I'm currently avoiding days where I have to look after kids, just to maintain my sanity.


----------



## ClaireDa

This page has made me giggle cry and be annoyed at the insensitive people out there. I have had most of them.... just relax it will happen... go on holiday.... stop worrying then the 'you can borrow my kids' yeah thanks for that... you better hurry up.... and get on with it, its hard I think people truefully just dont get it. Hopespring I can't watch that add without crying or the KFC one although I think it kind of advertises adoption/fostering or the best dad scarf add, or the Kleenex add(for soppy reasons really)


----------



## kandykane

How's this for a clanger, and from my own husband... Tonight we had our first 'date night' since October. We went to the local pub for a bite to eat and were having a nice time. The waitress approached with the dessert menu:-
Me: ooh yes please
DH: not for me thanks
Me: that's ok I'll have yours  
DH (to the waitress): she's eating for two 
...
At which point the waitress got all excited and I had to insist quite strongly that I was not pregnant to quell her excitement. Then I sat crying at the table. What on earth possessed him to say that? I know he meant that I was eating mine and his but really! Really?!


----------



## KnittyGritty

I winced just reading that! You would think a husband would not say that.


----------



## Catf2008

I have to say I've had one of the most insensitive ones I've never known, my team at work all know about my IVF & miscarriage and one of ladies at work, who is currently pregnant and turned round to me and said your so lucky not to be going through this in this heat, I hate being pregnant. Yes love say that to the woman that should of been in your exact same position and should be been due 3 days before you but I'm the one that had a miscarriage  

I've also had the usual just relax it will happen, you can have my eggs, wish I could have one for you. Not sure me relaxing will change hubby's sperm count but I'll try


----------



## violeta

Catf2008 said:


> I have to say I've had one of the most insensitive ones I've never known, my team at work all know about my IVF & miscarriage and one of ladies at work, who is currently pregnant and turned round to me and said your so lucky not to be going through this in this heat, I hate being pregnant. Yes love say that to the woman that should of been in your exact same position and should be been due 3 days before you but I'm the one that had a miscarriage
> 
> I've also had the usual just relax it will happen, you can have my eggs, wish I could have one for you. Not sure me relaxing will change hubby's sperm count but I'll try


What is WRONG with some people?!? I hope she apologised?!?

Re your last bit - haha, I actually said that to someone who insisted that a relaxing holiday would work because that's what worked for her. I told her that 1) no amount of zen will up a low sperm count and 2) people should not automatically assume that infertility is down to the woman as 40% of cases are male factor, which is a LOT. I'm so bloody sick of people assuming that our lack of child is down to me stressing too much.


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I am so fed up of people asking me when I'll be having another baby. My dad asked if I'd have another when I told him I was pregnant - shortly after the 7 week scan! It's none of your bloody business (strangers) and seriously, can't you just appreciate the child we have (family)?! We haven't told any family that we've just had a failed cycle. It's just easier that they don't know we're trying.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Hello, I moved the discussion about the campaign to a new thread so it doesn't get lost in this larger discussion. Please do continue to use this thread for your 'clangers' e.g. Stories of insensitivity.


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Ugh Lolem, people have no idea do they?!

We got a BFN 2 weeks ago. Friend has just announced her pregnancy (6-7 weeks along...) and will be due within days of when I would have been. She said 'you can try again though', 'you have money saved, didn't you say?' and 'at least you have time, I don't, I'm older than you'. 

I would trade the 10 years I have on her for two fallopian tubes.


----------



## bombsh3ll

I'd trade them for one!  

I hope you told her that.

B xxx


----------



## Arrows

I have an adopted child and a birth child now and I swear I still want to slap anyone who offers up their child flippantly - 'free to a good home' or 'anyone want a child?' -just makes me livid!


----------



## LRV007

At my in laws' (who've been requested not to keep asking about our IVF and have complied, bless them). Neighbours popped in and on their way out, the husband asked DH and me if there was any 'good news'. He then proceeds to tell us how we should get a move on because, as he told his own daughter when she got married, 'you're getting past your sell-by date'! He then went on to tell us about friends of theirs who'd opted not to have kids, but he is convinced they regret their decision now, when it's too late. I was just flabbergasted on so many levels, his poor wife had to drag him away lol.


----------



## Rory&#039;s mummy

Hi guys and girls, two clangers to add both from my line manager at work.  When I was waiting for this cycle my AF was a week late and it was already bad enough waiting 7 months between treatment cycles which my manager knew all about but when I spoke to her about moving my time off for treatment (because of the annoying extra week delay) she said "it must be meant to be because there's more cover at work that week". Then, the girl I job share with annouced she's pregnant (yes, I love my luck!) and our manager said to her "hopefully Sarah's ivf will work so I only have to get one secondment in to cover both your maternity leave". Obviously my infertility revolves around my work!?! 
Not quite as bad as some on here but bad enough to warrant a laugh at (got to laugh or I'd cry!)
Xx


----------



## mogg77

I love to read this thread, some stories are hilariously bad and some just leave me open mouthed that these people actually exist!
I recently got my bfp in April, after ttc over six years. now my bump is visible I get lots of comments, a girl at the weekend just said' I've got three, it's sh*t!' In fact how crap parenthood is seems a recurrent theme   I know it's mainly a humour thing but these people don't know they're born!


----------



## loulu28

after some spotting my friend, who i am convinced has aspergers, she really isn't mean at all, said, after i told her i was going for a scan at 4pm. 'why, just because the scan is ok at the time, could be dead 30 minutes later'... (apply very thick essex accent)

she really really isn't mean, its just how her mind works.... that said GTF Julie !


----------



## magicpillow

Some of these stories are unbelievable!
This one isn't too bad but still a bit insensitive. On Friday night we went over to friends for dinner. The couple have a 1 year old and had no problems conceiving. They know about our issues and have been v supportive. Anyway, the wife was talking about how hard it was leaving their child at nursery for the first time and then the hubby said about how amazing it is to pick her up and see her little face light up, arms open and toddling towards you. He said it was the best feeling ever. Errr thanks!


----------



## Tone

Er that is totally insensitive. That would be like telling my friend whose mum died a few years back and is sorely missed how amazing it is to have my mum around. us infertiles  are so super paranoid sometimes that we play down the horrid things people say. Really upsets me. I wish u all the luck and hope u don't have to hear these things for much longer


----------



## LittleStampede

Little bit of a clanger here but mainly just v bad timing...

Our first ICSI cycle has just failed. OTD was Saturday but AF arrived Weds am. Anyway, had to do the official test on Sat anyway. Text a few people, including my best friend, saying it had failed.

Roll on Sunday... text my best friends saying happy 1st wedding anniversary. Get a reply back saying that they're celebrating two things as she's just found out she's pregnant. She did say that it was 'probably the last thing I wanted to hear' (correct).

Cue hours and hours of tears.


----------



## mogg77

Oh surely she could have held her tongue on that a little longer!


----------



## Caprily

I think it was totally inappropriate for her to mention her news there and then, especially since you had been so thoughtful mentioning her wedding anniversary when you had other things on your mind. Am sure she is usually a nice girl as she must be your best friend for a reason but a bit of sensitivity would not have gone amiss to maybe at least have held on a week or two.
Xxx


----------



## sarahsuperdork

LittleStampede. I had the same news from two of my friends, on the same day, the day after our official BFN. I held it together in front of friend #1 but after the text from friend #2, I cried all night. Both due the week I would have been had we been successful - awful, awful timing. They could have waited; 5-6 weeks is early for a pregnancy announcement and I might have felt less raw by the time they hit 12 weeks!


----------



## Mrs_Roo

This is probably not as bad as most of the stories on this thread but it's p****d me off! 

Just logged onto ******** to see a post from a 'friend' (someone I went to school with who I haven't seen/spoken to for 15years!) to see a picture of her youngest of 6 (yes 6!!) with a comment saying 

#100%homegrown and #articficialfree 

Arrghhh!! 

I mean really! What the heck is that supposed to mean! I'm so tempted to reply but I'd probably have a go and End up looking crazy and publicly humiliating myself. Maybe... #insensitiveCow!


----------



## Arrows

What a ridiculous thing to say!! I hope to goodness she means she grows her own food and doesn't give her child any artificial products otherwise she's just plain rude!!


----------



## K jade

Were they standing buy a veg patch?


----------



## yoga31

That's just awful!! I'm sorry if she's your friend but I REALLY don't like her - what an idiot.


----------



## K8O

I think I would be clicking the unfriend button xx


----------



## Mrs_Roo

Thanks girls, I knew you'd understand! I have indeed unfriended x


----------



## bombsh3ll

Mrs_Roo,

I hope one day you get to put a picture up of your own with the words #designer baby #not just a legover.

B xxx


----------



## Mrs_Roo

Hah, that's brilliant B. I hope so too! x


----------



## Haydan

bombsh3ll said:


> Mrs_Roo,
> 
> I hope one day you get to put a picture up of your own with the words #designer baby #not just a legover.
> 
> B xxx


Round of applause and standing ovation to you!!!


----------



## K jade

Omg brilliant lol!


----------



## Arrows

bombsh3ll said:


> Mrs_Roo,
> 
> I hope one day you get to put a picture up of your own with the words #designer baby #not just a legover.
> 
> B xxx
> 
> I love it!


----------



## Em-bob

Mrs_Roo said:


> Thanks girls, I knew you'd understand! I have indeed unfriended x


Brilliant Mrs_Roo!


----------



## Em-bob

bombsh3ll said:


> Mrs_Roo,
> 
> I hope one day you get to put a picture up of your own with the words #designer baby #not just a legover.
> 
> B xxx


Brilliant!


----------



## Lolem

mum talking about someone who is pg:
"It was all natural, not ivf or anything so it was all hers"
So my ivf baby won't be all mine?!!! 
I don't think she meant it how it sounded but still, she knows what we have been going through so you'd think she would word things more carefully! That's going to play on my mind forever now! How is she going to feel if we have to use a doner?!


----------



## loulu28

aww, bless her... i'm sure a bit of hand holding through the process will help her.

I posted previously about my friend, the one i am convinced has aspergers. i snapped with her a bit the other day. Another round of her asking 'what will you do if it is downs syndrome'. She really is asking from a curiosity point of view but it isn't the first time she's asked. I ended up pointing out (much to my personal disappointment re own behaviour) that her daughter required remedial classes for reading, would she have got rid knowing this, there are degrees of 'slow-ness'. 

Can't believe i said that but i really wanted her to shut the F up and realise that things outwith our control cannot be faced hypothetically.
grrrr


----------



## stelmat

Husband and I had a 'good' one at a wedding last month.  Husband was chatting to one of his friends about his toddler and asked if we were going to have children, I said not sure if we can, bit of awkward silence then he said we have got number two on the way, it is brilliant, best thing you will ever do we wish we had had children sooner and want lots.  Big silence.  Oh right.


----------



## Arrows

Stelmat,  the guy is clearly an idiot who having thought of one topic of conversation was incapable of finding another!  I'd also guess he wasn't the one spending all day long with said toddler as I've no doubt his is no angel! I've yet to meet the parent of a toddler who doesn't scream,  hit,  kick, shout, run off, throw food or other random objects and have enormous temper tantrums. I imagine his partner doesn't share his irritating rose-coloured-spectacle-wearing viewpoint!
We as people are so much more than whether we have children or not. We have hopes, dreams,  desires,  hobbies,  jobs,  friends,  family,  pets,  travel,  creativity and so much more! 
Silly, silly man!


----------



## Haydan

he prob just had no idea how to respond so suffered a brain malfunction and just continued in his original line of thought.

i commend you for being honest - i know how easy it is to just say 'soon' or 'thinking about it' etc


----------



## stelmat

We have always said oh not yet or yes at some point but I've become increasingly annoyed at people then insisting that we don't leave it too late, or go you will love being parents, just go for it so I've started down the 'unfortunately not' line now or it isn't that easy for everyone.  He just drew the short straw a bit as I had had my fill of it all that particular day, normally I can just brush it off and change the subject.


----------



## rubster

Stelmat, what a knob, seriously 

At our community day yesterday, and one of the neighbours who has 3 children (5,6&7) was giving the news that she is 8 weeks pregnant. Had to endure the whole "I couldn't believe it, out of nowhere, was justing saying the hubbie how I didn't want anything to change….it's early to be telling but sure what the hell" of course I was totally "Oh wow, congrats" and smiling and laughing and joining in with the baby chat that I no longer am part of….

So all of that was difficult enough, as usual….then later when it was just the two of us she started saying - and now I did tell this lady at some point in the last year that I had been unable after 11 rounds of IVF to have another child - so, she started saying "You know, when I think of what such and such went through (cancer), I think to myself Oh it isn't the worst news. I guess it's not bad news"…..

I just very calmly turned to her and said "It is definitely not bad news".Pregnant (excuse the pun) pause. Silence from her. Then I said "I'm off to get a beer" and literally walked off.


----------



## Tigger99

Oh Rubster! Poor you!! What an insensitive cow!! To think she  compared being pregnant to having cancer. It makes my blood boil.  I don't know why you didn't have a massive go at her. I think I might have especially as my mum has had cancer.


----------



## kandykane

god rubster what a cow! where do some people get off??!


----------



## rubster

I know, right?!?!?

But I have been gobsmacked at the lunacy of people in all sorts of highly sensitive situations. The summer before last, I met a friend of my brother in laws on holiday. He is a medic and the last time I saw him was when I was literally living at my dad's bedside while he was in his last days (of cancer, actually - see last post). 

Anyway, when I saw him someone went to introduce us and I said "Oh we know each other, in fact - do you know I think the last time I saw you was in such and such hospital, when my dad was dying"……

He looked at me for a second and then said - I poop you not…..

"Eh, so how long are you guys here on holiday for"?

Oh yes, lunacy.


----------



## carrie lou

I had a corker the other day from my hairdresser of all people. I've been going to her for a while so she always asks after the little ones etc. Bit of background - I'm very blessed and lucky to have two lovely children from fertility tx with donor sperm, dh has azoospermia so there is no chance of natural conception for us.

So hairdresser asks after the two kiddies and I tell her how they're doing. Then she asks the dreaded question, am I going to have any more? I adopt a very firm tone of voice hoping to end the conversation, and reply that I'd love another baby but it's not going to happen in the foreseeable future. She then says brightly, oh you never know - it might!

Talk about foot in mouth... I really didn't know what to say.  You daft cow. Trust me to know a little more about the situation than you do and if I say it isn't going to happen, unless of course I get a visit from the angel Gabriel, it really ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, OK?


----------



## K jade

Oh carrie LOL. sometimes u really wonder  if some people are fully aware of the facts of life or whether somewhere they got their wires crossed and they actually think babies really are found under the cabbage patch
Hey looks like the next second coming might be on you! Nice one for the extra bank holiday!! 

I was flicking through OK magazine whilst on hols and Katie piper (the woman who survived acid attack) has declared she would like to adopt after failing to fall pregnant for the second time. I though ok fair enough... I read on.... Oh her daughter is only ONE YEARS old!! So exactly how long have u actually been trying for then....? 
She seems like a decent enough woman and I have sympathy for her but please don't declare yourself infertile after trying for what 3 months and already having a naturally conceived child. That is quite frankly insulting to women who have genuine fertility problems and live with the long term heartache of childlessness. 
I'd just like to say I don't make a habit of reading nonsense magazines like OK , and I definitely won't be from now on


----------



## violeta

carrie lou said:


> I had a corker the other day from my hairdresser of all people. I've been going to her for a while so she always asks after the little ones etc. Bit of background - I'm very blessed and lucky to have two lovely children from fertility tx with donor sperm, dh has azoospermia so there is no chance of natural conception for us.
> 
> So hairdresser asks after the two kiddies and I tell her how they're doing. Then she asks the dreaded question, am I going to have any more? I adopt a very firm tone of voice hoping to end the conversation, and reply that I'd love another baby but it's not going to happen in the foreseeable future. She then says brightly, oh you never know - it might!
> 
> Talk about foot in mouth... I really didn't know what to say. You daft cow. Trust me to know a little more about the situation than you do and if I say it isn't going to happen, unless of course I get a visit from the angel Gabriel, it really ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, OK?


In these situations I tend to be honest and say that, due to <insert IF issue>, it's not really that easy as calling the stork. Although I personally think it's slightly harsh to refer to her as a "daft cow" as she obviously knows you have two little ones already but I'm guessing she doesn't know they're from donor sperm. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that "so, how many kids/don't you want kids/etc" type questions are that appropriate! Can understand why you flinched.


----------



## carrie lou

Trouble is, if I'd been honest, it would almost certainly be public knowledge pretty soon - she's a bit of a gossip and we live in a small town. Dh isn't that comfortable with me discussing the issue anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't have called her daft.... It just seemed like a very personal question (so, when are you next planning to have sex?!) And the fact that she didn't accept my answer made me really cross and upset


----------



## bombsh3ll

I hate the "well you never know it might happen" comments. I've had this many times, some from people who really ought to know better. I just put them straight that unfortunately that's anatomically impossible, & if they probe further I'm more than happy to graphically enlighten them.

I totally agree about the celebrities publically bemoaning their "infertility" & IVF plans after trying for all of 5 minutes, it's in very poor taste.

B xxx


----------



## Lolem

Despite knowing that we can't afford any more ivf and dh's sperm count is practically 0 so even the doctors are saying it's unlikely to happen without ivf, my mum keeps on insisting it will be fine and she knows that we will get there . Well I wish she would pass that message into Mother Nature and the doctors as they don't seem to have got it. Talk about burying your head in the sand! It's really getting to me at the moment - I need to start accepting things myself and all the false hope really doesn't help. 
Having said all that, I really do hope she is actually right!


----------



## mogg77

Talking of bad taste a young lady on my ******** has posted a hilaaaarious fake pregnancy status. Cue much hilarity  I'm lucky to now be pregnant after six years of ttc, but know all too well the pain this sort of thing can cause someone who's struggling.


----------



## Lolem

Yeah, that would just be the funniest thing ever. NOT.


----------



## Haydan

i really dont understand the thinking behind that sort of thing?


----------



## bryony_t

These are making me smile - having had years of 'you ought to get on with it soon' and 'just relax and it'll happen' - erm no...

However, and slightly off the subject, my funniest moment was a related to a serious discussion I have been having with my younger sister about her being surrogate for me if we decide that is the best route. She was speaking to my step-father about it and it was very clear that he thought that to be my surrogate would involve her having to 'spend the night' with my husband and he was genuinely very concerned about what that would do to our relationship!!

Amazingly funny, but also a good reminder that those outside of the IVF inner-circle really don't get it, and probably have absolutely no intent of being insensitive. Except perhaps someone posting a fake pregnancy status - i can't think what would motivate you to do that.


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Oddly enough I saw a fake pregnancy ******** status (something about being so excited to announce they were expecting... Santa in three months' time) and it was from someone who'd previously had IVF. It made me a little sad inside.


----------



## violeta

mogg77 said:


> Talking of bad taste a young lady on my ******** has posted a hilaaaarious fake pregnancy status. Cue much hilarity  I'm lucky to now be pregnant after six years of ttc, but know all too well the pain this sort of thing can cause someone who's struggling.


I will never understand people who do this. Even before we started trying I found these sorts of statuses insensitive.

I found this little humdinger of a status today:

_Hahaha all you childless people with your freedom to do what you like, go where you like, without shouting, tears, and indecision.
All you idiots who can just do something without having a nervous breakdown. 
Such idiots. Haha. 
Help_

Obviously making a 'joke' that the kids are getting on his nerves and that he is, in fact, just a little envious of childless people. I, however, found it insensitive. But I didn't want to pull him up on it because I don't want to advertise our struggles. So I went for the diplomatic "unfollow".


----------



## stelmat

violeta said:


> mogg77 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Talking of bad taste a young lady on my ******** has posted a hilaaaarious fake pregnancy status. Cue much hilarity  I'm lucky to now be pregnant after six years of ttc, but know all too well the pain this sort of thing can cause someone who's struggling.
> 
> 
> 
> I will never understand people who do this. Even before we started trying I found these sorts of statuses insensitive.
> 
> I found this little humdinger of a status today:
> 
> _Hahaha all you childless people with your freedom to do what you like, go where you like, without shouting, tears, and indecision.
> All you idiots who can just do something without having a nervous breakdown.
> Such idiots. Haha.
> Help_
> 
> Obviously making a 'joke' that the kids are getting on his nerves and that he is, in fact, just a little envious of childless people. I, however, found it insensitive. But I didn't want to pull him up on it because I don't want to advertise our struggles. So I went for the diplomatic "unfollow".
Click to expand...

What the?! That is possibly the worst attempt at trying to be funny I've seen. Unfollow is certainly the way forward with that idiot.


----------



## violeta

Tell me about it!! I started to write: "I suppose I should count myself lucky that the breakdown I had was because I don't have any children despite trying for two years" but I decided to leave it and leave him to his ignorance. I know people don't mean things maliciously but seriously, surely anyone with half a brain would think twice about that!


----------



## PeedOff

We saw the local gynae consultant last week who is a "specialist" of fertility problems. We have only just been diagnosed with azoospermia.

He told me I was to have an HSG and told me not to have unprotected sex beforehand as they would not do the test if we had, due to potential pregnancy. Then he went on to say that it would be ok though if we wanted to as we had no sperm so it wouldn't really matter.

K**b (excuse my French).


----------



## magicpillow

What a kn**!


----------



## magicpillow

I haven't really had any major clangers recently but was out with some friends a few weeks back who know about my situation and two of them (who both conceived in first month of trying age 40) were trying to tell me all the awful things about having kids.  I know they were trying to help but hearing 'you know, it's really not that great having kids....it's really hard work....there are times I wish I didn't have them' etc doesn't really make me feel better!


----------



## Pollypanda

Maybe not the worst, but I think I may win most clangers at once. I received a long email from a friend with kids (on my birthday!) which knocked me sideways.

In previous emails, I mentioned that I'd put my life on hold for IVF and had a teary meltdown because I couldn't even do something straightforward like book a holiday. Her response? She said that 'she had to laugh at that' and went on to say 'I hate to break it to you, but KIDS impose themselves on your lives' and 'not able to go on endless holidays' and went on to say that 'birth does that too'. Wow, thanks for putting me in my place. 

Then she went on to talk about how she knows exactly what we're going through because she has 'lots of friends at playgroup who've gone through IVF' and 'they say it's all so worth it'. That's great, but you've never had any problems conceiving so no you don't, and repeating other people's successful IVF stories isn't being supportive. Why don't you just ask me how I'm going instead?

Finally, the bombshell, in that she's pregnant with her third child. And then she goes on and on, for ages on how she had been so upset, to the point of grief, that this third child is another boy and she won't ever get to have a girl. Not once did she mention that it might be hard for me to hear, nothing.

I'm honestly flabbergasted. She was obviously in an angry state when she wrote it, but still   I've just not responded. I'm starting stims tonight, I have enough on my plate


----------



## CrazyHorse

Pollypanda, if it were me, I don't think I'd bother responding EVER.   Doesn't sound like this woman is much of a "friend".   And someone that insensitive isn't going to get it if you try to explain what the problem was with her response.


----------



## swanlake

PollyPanda

Oh sweetie that's just awful,what a very insensitive 'friend', I just don't believe some people can be so insensitive.

My friend has just had her  fourth child through ivf, each try was successful for her.

I had a round robin text message telling me the 'great news that baby was here, it was fantastic and how blessed they feel that this family is now complete, how wonderful the birth was  blah blah. Which is lovely for them but not what I want or need to hear ....a simple 'baby arrived, all well etc ' would just have been fine for me. 

I must concluded that people are so wrapped up in their little bubbles that they probably really don't mean to be so insensitive they just can't see beyond their own feet......thats me on a good day, on a bad day I think they are all just insensitive idiots!! And I hate the lot of these people who speak for they think!

Xx


----------



## Bahhumbug

PollyPanda that is horrendous. Do these people not stop to think before they press send or open their mouths?

I'm at the tail end of a wedding as I type and I could have played infertility bingo tonight - father in law has been the worst/best with 'just be happy', 'relax and it'll happen, etc etc. he means well and is very very p*ssed, but it's too much now. Grrrrr. My whole in laws basically have me down as obsessed and mental.
X


----------



## violeta

Pollypanda, that is awful. I am also in the "don't respond" camp. When someone tried to tell me how kids aren't worth it and how they wouldn't recommend it I wanted to respond with "well I'm sorry you had them in the first place, such a shame they've ruined your life" but instead my eyes filled with tears and I had to just turn away. I know most people don't mean to be insensitive but that friend, knowing what you're going through, is not a friend in my eyes. Devastated because she's having a boy What the hell Maybe she could do with coming on Fertility Friends and reading this thread from start to finish. It's funny with fertility because all of a sudden, everyone's a [email protected]#king expert.


----------



## violeta

Bahhumbug said:


> PollyPanda that is horrendous. Do these people not stop to think before they press send or open their mouths?
> 
> I'm at the tail end of a wedding as I type and I could have played infertility bingo tonight - father in law has been the worst/best with 'just be happy', 'relax and it'll happen, etc etc. he means well and is very very p*ssed, but it's too much now. Grrrrr. My whole in laws basically have me down as obsessed and mental.
> X


Grrrr, I hate that. My mum tried to tell me that I should be of the attitude "come what may" and started sending me articles of people who had failed IVF but then fallen pregnant when they relaxed about it so I just stopped telling her about how I felt. She meant well but she couldn't understand that me relaxing will not actually up a low sperm count or make them more motile.


----------



## Pollypanda

Thanks for the support ladies, I knew you'd understand! I might respond at some point, but there's no rush. I've got more important things to worry about and I need to simmer down first. If I do, I'll be honest with her, the word 'insensitive' will get used  

I don't tend to get the 'relax and it will happen' comments as we're going through PGD for a genetic disorder. That would really get on my bloody nerves. I'm sorry that you guys have to deal with that, it's so frustrating when people try to minimise how complex and painful infertility is. 

I have got the 'you're so lucky to not have kids' followed up by some lame reason like sleeping in or travel. I used to ignore it, but now I just say 'Really? If I had lost my mother, would you say I was so lucky because I didn't have to send her a Mother's Day card?'. I've had a few people go red-faced after that one


----------



## prettysmiles2015

I bumped into an old friend today, someone who I'm not friends with on ********. It's been 2 years. This is how it went....

Them "Hiya how are you? Wow it's been ages, you must have had a baby by now?"
Me in my head: "F you"


----------



## violeta

I'm very upset right now. I just tagged in the comments to this video: 



 by a friend, and then mutual friends started saying "SUPER LIKE your comment  !!!" So I wrote a composed yet ranty response, hoping to educate at least just a little bit. I'm a bit raw as on Monday it's likely that an mmc will be confirmed so it caught me at a VERY bad time. Although I don't think it's ever cool to do that sort of thing.

I'm planning on writing to the company to ask them whether they realise the infertility statistics and whether they still think their stupid advert is tasteful. I don't believe in censorship so I wouldn't fight to take it off the air - if I can at least educate them at the company that making a baby isn't always a laugh, then I'll be sort of happy. Happier, anyway.

/links


----------



## Froggy82

OH my god, this advert is horrible!! What kind of moron can come up with a concept like that??!! It's not just horrible for couples coping with infertility, but for the "would be grandmas" too. I know the sadness and helplessness that my mom has endured, seeing me childless. I hope these announcers get genital herpes. 
Violeta, I'm sorry for what you're going through at the moment.


----------



## Bahhumbug

What the flip?!! This advert is horrendous. I'm speechless.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through at this time, Violeta x


----------



## magicpillow

That is truly horrendous and heartbreaking for couples who can't conceive. It actually made me quite tearful knowing that my mum would love a grandchild but if we can't conceive, she never will. It needs to be taken off air!!


----------



## violeta

I actually don't think it's on air in prime time as I only saw it when I was tagged in it. I don't believe in censorship at all so don't believe either it should be taken off air, as otherwise where do you draw the line with adverts - there is always going to be something which is sensitive to some. I would rather it stay on air and gather complaints and comments, opening up more awareness about infertility. Removing it from the air would protect us, but would serve no purpose in raising awareness. So, in albeit a twisted way, I'm hoping that enough people complain about it so it CAN spark a debate. Then, if the company want to remove it, that's their prerogative. I'm more affected by the fact that I was tagged in it. The advert I'd easily be able to switch over but a ******** tag which was BLATANTLY the sort of "so, when are you having kids?" type question, not so easy.


----------



## mogg77

Goodness, they actually tagged you in it?? No wonder you're upset! And what an idiotic advert that is! I hope you got your point across well and your friend realises what a dumb thing that was to do.xx


----------



## violeta

What made me even more upset was the fact that my husband told me that MY response to it was offensive. He said "they might have just tagged you to see if you'd seen it". I told him that he's smarter than that. The comment was just my name and my husband's name. The comment after that was "SUPER like your comment! " - come on, for what other reason would we have both been tagged? I'm sick of my husband telling me I'm too sensitive about stuff. Maybe I'm sensitive because I'm still carrying our baby which may or may not have survived? Hmmm, I wonder.


----------



## magicpillow

Violeta that's terrible you were tagged in it! It made me well up as I know how much my mum would love a grandchild and it made me sad.


----------



## 63053

That is the most disgusting advert ever! I think we should all write in to the company and ask if they want us to provide babies perhaps they would consider funding our treatment?

I cannot believe any friend would tag a friend in that. Personally I would never speak to them again. It would feel like a huge personal insult.

I know many people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say or want to lighten the situation for us but that has got to be the most awful thing at all. Plain mean, I can't even begin to imagine why someone would do that!


----------



## violeta

Sort of in their defence, they don't know our situation or even that we're trying - we could be a couple that doesn't want kids! But it's this general assumption that married = kids = DO IT NOOOOOOW!

I'm going to write to the company in Danish. I know it's not supposed to be serious and I can tell by the tone of the advert that it's tongue in cheek. However I do think it makes a massive assumption that it's very easy to have kids (the disclaimer at the end I found very hurtful - nine month delivery not guaranteed, you're telling me!) so I'm going to be very composed and ask questions, instead of attacking. Like I said in earlier posts, we should never fight to take stuff off air or out of magazines - otherwise where do you draw the line. For example, there are lots of people without mothers on Mother's Day. Do we stop advertising Mother's Day because it might offend? There are lots of people who are alone at Christmas - do we stop advertising Christmas because it might hurt them? Do we stop advertising products advertised by non-Photoshopped sports models (male and female) because there are lots of people who don't feel up to scratch? The answer is no to all of them. Otherwise we would live in a censored society and that is not what we should be working towards. What we should do is fight it by opening up a calm discussion and raising awareness with reason. Censorship doesn't lead to awareness, discussion and education DOES. Which is why I am so massively in support of kjade's infertility sensitivity campaign.


----------



## Tippis

After a sleepless night I nominate my husband for a winner. Currently struggling with a tough 2ww after our second attempt with DE. Hormones are all over the place. Last night, after dinner, my husband thought it was a good idea to cheerfully announce:" My sister told is pregnant again. Isnt that great?" Their happiness is in the state I'm in a reminder of my sadness and potential failure. Been crying all night in a part of the house where I dont have to see my husband.


----------



## Haydan

sorry Tippis - DHs do put their big feet in it sometimes. sending you love xxx

my hubby also put his big foot in his mouth last night - though not as bad as what you endured Tippis. AF reared her ugly head head again on Wednesday - and i have been 'slightly' more moody the last few days. so last night DH asks me whats wrong and i bluntly say im on my period i feel like crap etc... his response "well can't you stop it" (said as a joke) but i couldn't take it that way last night so shouted "i'd love to! but nature's got other ideas!" as if im perfectly happy with dealing with AF every month - as well as the usual crapness that AF brings for all women it's now just a constant reminder every month that our dream hasn't arrived.
he obviously realised quickly what he said as he shut up straight away and was nice to me the rest of the night lol.


----------



## danceintherain

Hi Haydan, our other halves can be a bit clueless at times can't they. Hope you're feeling better today x 

I had an old friend come to stay for a few days this week. She knows our history, in fact the last time we met up I was pregnant through IVF, though sadly miscarried since then. we were talking about the NHS and I mentioned that the postcode lottery wasn't very fair for Ivf patients as some people like myself have funded cycles whereas others in the same situation might not. She responded by saying that she'd prefer that NHS funds were put into cancer patients and heart patients anyway as these were more serious issues. 

I didn't even respond. I respect that she has her own opinion but would have preferred she kept it to herself, especially as she has an idea of what I've been through in the last few years.


----------



## violeta

I get so angry when people say things like that, danceintherain. They should thank their lucky stars they never have to go through it.

Most recent clanger is from a colleague last week: she told me that people our age won't get offered the good jobs anymore as employers worry that we'll be going off and having children. I had JUST come back from the clinic last week to be told that I was likely to miscarry. She then starts telling me how my career, the only thing I have going for me at the moment, is more than likely up the spout because I'm 35. I'm still really hurt by it. Not only have I just suffered a miscarriage but now I won't be able to get a new, more senior job because employers are going to assume I'm just going to be a mother. I really am not coping.


----------



## bombsh3ll

There really are some thoughtless people out there  

I had one the other week - "are you pregnant?"

Rubbed both my infertility and my weight in my face in one fell swoop  . 

The offender isn't exactly nicole ritchie herself either!

B xxx


----------



## K jade

Can someone briefly explain to me what this 'advert' is?
Violeta  I know u posted the link but to watch it would no doubt make my adrenaline soar...

What's the gist of it? Id like to know and if necessary get a strongly worded letter of complaint in

Its so funny cause every other advert on the radio is about mental health/domestic abuse/ disability AWARENESS and its about time IF gets its long awaited premier here


----------



## Charmars

It's a tongue in cheek advert for holidays, saying that Denmark needs your help as there aren't enough babies, and telling grandparents to send there child away on holiday as it increases sexual desire and therefore more chance of getting pregnant. I personally didn't take too much offence to it, but it obviously made my someone who hasn't got a clue about infertility. I think it's supposed to be jokey, but with what the ladies on here have to go through to get that child I can understand why some take offence x


----------



## violeta

Yeah it's in Denmark and I think it must be online or something as it's never been shown during prime time. I'm going to write to them in Danish, as it was made here, and will see if they reply. Will post what I write to them in this thread (well, a translation). It's definitely supposed to be jokey but it is quite clear that it's the whole "shag, get a baby" message. I found it upsetting purely because I was tagged in the video on ********.


----------



## Charmars

Violeta - with what you are going through Hun I'm not surprised you found it upsetting. Hope your coping as well as possible xxx


----------



## CaraJ

Have just experienced a clanger from my Mum. We were staying with her and my Dad for the end of my 2ww, arrived 2 days before OTD. When we got there, before I'd even taken my shoes and coat off she got her knitting bag out to show me the toy she's knitting for the baby. Last year I had polyps removed and Mum came to stay when I was recovering and had me looking through knitting patterns to pick which clothing I'd like her to knit. As I was nowhere near pregnant then I politely said I'd do it next time I visit so could she please take the patterns home. She hadn't said anything about knitting for the baby for ages so thought she'd got it. This time when I got upset she said she has listened because it wasn't clothes! Well I got a BFN this morning so DH and I made a hasty retreat avoiding all mention of knitting for baby. Randomly the toy she's chosen to knit is a snake!


----------



## bryony_t

I have spent some time in the Early Pregnancy Unit this week having discovered that my recent BFN was in fact an ectopic pregnancy which I was mu scarring. Given that the EPU partly exists for ladies having issues with their pregnancies I was pretty surprised to see that the only magazine available on the waiting room tables was one specifically covering babies/ young children, decorating nurseries etc. The name of the magazine? 'Achieve'. That grated a bit.


----------



## Lolem

Met my friend for coffee, updated her on where I am with treatment. She knows our full story. Asked how she was and she said that she was having a really bad day, work is rubbish and her and her hubby had been talking about maybe having no 3 (yes,3) but that she wasn't sure if she wanted to - she's been pregnant twice and it was great and the kids are absolutely amazing but she isn't sure if she wants to put herself through it all again etc but it had crossed her mind that having another one would mean she could escape from work for a while.
I didn't say much apart from that is a bit of a drastic way to escape work, I was too shocked that she couldn't see how inappropriate the conversation was. I'm not saying it should be all about me but I would think twice about saying that kind of thing if it was the other way around as I wouldn't want to upset my friend. Seems it doesn't work both ways....


----------



## sophiekh

Although I am no longer TTC at the moment, I had been referred to Gynae Oncology and to my absolute horror my appointment was in the same clinic as ante natal. I was sat there with bumps and young children. All I could think about was the fact I may never experience that, pregnancy, having kids.  It all felt quite surreal


----------



## magicpillow

That's really awful Sophiekh.  It's like torture and I can't believe the people who work this all out don't realise?

Well I've mentioned this one on another thread but on Saturday I went round for a friend's house for a girls night in with 4 of us.  Two of them are in their early 40s and have young twins, both conceived really easily.  The other one recently got engaged and she turned up and told us that she is 15 weeks pregnant (she already has quite a sizeable bump).  She's 39 and it happened in the first month of trying.  I found it hard not to cry as I really wasn't expecting it.  
The rest of the evening was tough and even though lots of conversation was about other things, they all ended up comparing pregnancies and maternity leaves and all telling the pg friend what to expect etc.  It was so, so hard and I just wanted to go home.  It didn't help that they were telling me that at least I had options and I could always do donor sperm or adopt.  Find that very difficult to take from people who have had no trouble conceiving as they have no idea how painful infertility is.  I know it was well intentioned but grrrr.


----------



## Lolem

Sending you a big hug magicpillow.


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks lolem!


----------



## Bahhumbug

Magicpillow


----------



## bombsh3ll

Here's one that really got me today - 

My job involves visiting people at home, & as we divvied up the jobs today I was given a lady I'd never met before but who my pregnant colleague knew well. 

The reason being was this particular client smokes like a chimney!

So not only do my clothes stink but it felt like a real punch in the gut like I have a big INFERTILE sign on my forehead! 

B xxx


----------



## justone

My story is slightly different from the others I've read here. I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday waiting to see my GP* when a wee woman aged about in her early 60s next to me said, "Jeez he doesn't look old enough to be a daddy, does he?" indicating a young man in his early 20s something daddy with his beautiful wee baby daughter. I smiled and said,"Well they do say if people start looking younger, it means we're just getting older!" At this the wee woman replied "Aye but I wouldn't go through with it again, would you?" I smiled again (tougher this time admittedly!) and said, "Well I wouldn't honestly know as I've never been through it!" Wee woman smiled sympathetically and then proceeded to tell me all about her 5 children and 4 grandchildren and how tough it was (in a financial sense) getting ready for Christmas. I just kept smiling and nodding (I think!) in the right places! 
* My GP diagnosed me with Vertigo which my dear cousin today informed me was a sign of the menopause!!!


----------



## Arrows

Justone, I think you handled that really well. Seriously impressed.

My friend had her first after years of trying and ovarian drilling. She then struggled again for another 4 years, tried drilling again and tried clomid. She had 2 m/c's and then finally got pregnant again. She is currently 39wks and going in for a C-section tomorrow. 
She came home in flood of tears last week because she went for her pre-op last week and was placed in the fertility clinic waiting room. She could see how heartbroken everyone was and how some ladies were unable to be near or look at her and she didn't know what to do or say. She was so angry that they would do it like that and hated that she was the cause of so much distress. Infertility remains a part of you forever.


----------



## Sah78

I don't like to tell people what I am going through. bumped into a women from the church where me and dh got married. She said to me know sign of kids yet I said no not yet. She laughed and replied you can't be trying hard enough... I said we can't try much harder


----------



## KnittyGritty

That is horrible!


----------



## Miss Sunshine22

Whaaaat ....     that is one of the worst I've heard Sah78. I bet, even after your comment about not being able to try any harder, it went right over her silly airhead   She's a lucky lady to not have a clue what she's talking about. Poor you   I don't know how you didn't say anything stronger


----------



## bobo66

Sah78 - that is awful! I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. X


----------



## bobo66

At DH's work Christmas do, we were sitting next to his boss and heavily pregnant wife. Boss says to us 'So do you two want to have children eventually?' I said something vague about we hope so, and for one awful second I thought the follow up question emerging was 'So when?'. It turned out to be 'So do you know how many you want?' Yikes! One child would be a miracle!


----------



## Wantafamily

Hi at a family party last week, as we were ushering people out the door, and indian Aunty decided to say ( out of the blue)..... " there's a place in India that you need to swim in...".

I was totally embarrassed as she said it in front of everyone.....

My friend said I should had responded by asking " why is it full of super sperm!"

After 10 years I've heard loads of insensitive comments and people have no clue how **** the whole process is!!

Good luck to everyone!


----------



## maire2012

The thoughtlessness displayed to those of us suffering infertility at this time of year is astounding sometimes.
Our idiot sister in law decided to give us a Christmas present of a calendar with pictures of everyones children for each month of the year. Just what a childless couple wants on Christmas eve.


----------



## Haydan

omg - what a horrible present! i cant even understand what her intention would have been with that!


----------



## KDJay

when I was telling two very close friends at Christmas that we were pupo on the 2ww hence why dp was not drinking (and that I had not for months either (my eggs)) they then told me stories of how one was taking magic mushrooms when she got pregnant and the other one had taken every drug under the sun and was constantly drunk and partying when she got pregnant so we shouldn't be so uptight! mmm - guess we wont be doing that! ;/


----------



## Angedelight

It's more funny than anything else and not done intentionally.. 
Came home to some written info from mother in law on the side all about the properties of Brazil nuts for men and women in fertility and how just 4 can help us hit our daily needs and produce strong swimming sperm. Pecans also help fertility in men and women.
I mean who knew?? The NHS needs to prescribe nuts, not treatment! 😂😂

Another hideously insensitive one:
Go to see friends new baby. Holding baby and being told it suits me. They know the issues we have TTC so quite how that is meant to help me I don't know. It might  suit me but it doesn't mean it'll happen. A bit later in same visit- is it making you broody?. Time to leave.

I just don't speak to anyone about it now bar a friend who's going through it. The next person who asks if I've considered adopting or says something vacuous like 'It will happen' or 'I know a friend of a friend who just relaxed and it happened' - I'll probably harm them.

Threads like this keep me sane- sometimes laughing about it is the only way through it.
The other thing I hate with a passion is baby on board car stickers. I feel like they're sent to taunt me.


----------



## Bahhumbug

Baby on Board stickers!!! Enough to make me bother learning to drive in order to show these motorists my true thoughts...!
Disclaimer: I am aware that jealousy isn't the most becoming of personality traits!


----------



## El-why

Hi ladies, don't think many people realise (especially people who actually use them) but baby on board signs in cars are to alert the emergency services, after an accident, that they should look for people who are  incapable of getting themselves out! That said I know how sad they made me feel before the arrival of my 2 little (very hard fought for) miracles so I still can't bring myself to buy one!


----------



## Herts85

At my works Christmas party my boss asked me out of the blue if we were planning on having children. I fumbled through a 'maybe in the future, but not right now' response (don't want to hinder promotion prospects) to which he replied 'yeah, you have loads of time!'

The worst is when people tell us we'll be fine because there's two of us so if it doesn't work with one we can try the other. Great in theory but doesn't help a person come to terms with their own fertility issues and we actually discovered we are both fertility-challenged so neither of us has fabulous chances. 

It's just a case of thinking before speaking. I'm so much more aware of it now and very rarely hit those nerves in other people x


----------



## Anuh

Herts 85
I understand u I am sick of people telling me that I have time don't they get it I have been trying now for such a long time like since age 26... I know that they are just trying to make us feel better... I guess no one knows how we feel unless they have been in our shoes... 

Hang in there xoxo


----------



## Herts85

Thanks Anuh, 

Sounds like you've had a tough journey so far. I hope you have more luck in 2016   X


----------



## Bahhumbug

I didnt know that about B.O.B. Car signs and happily stand corrected! (Not that that was your intention...gosh, the Internet is a minefield!!)

I hate the silent presumption that i have put my career first - been lucky enough to get a few internal promotions and a few people have hinted a lot of 'career woman...tick tick tick of the clock' stuff. Grrr, we're entering our 5th year of trying and did start in our 20s!! Not that its any of their beeswax.

Morning to all x


----------



## Bahhumbug

If you want a 'laugh', i'm teaching sex ed to teenagers this term!!!  Might slip in a few IF stats alongside the usual condom demo etc.
Mind over matter as per!
X


----------



## Vickytick

After 5 years of tests, treatments, drugs, failed IVF, 3 mc and an operation I got my little girl but I still hate those comments.

Yes it was technically a natural pg, albeit after an operation on my uterus and with the aid of prolactin drugs I still get told 'oh you didn't need IVF then'. It's stupid and insensitive as I did need help it wasn't a miracle birth. Oh and if it was that easy why when my daughter is nearly 2 and we've havent used contraception for 7 years have I not fallen pg again.

I hated the whole 'I know someone who...' Add in your own punchline. Or 'if you relax' or even 'go on bl**dy holiday'. That's the answer to IF a 2 week trip to Spain😡. 

I still get angry at people who say they understand our journey because it took them 6 months and it was hard trying each month...god I'd have been over the moon at that. I feel like screaming try 5 years. I still get jealous of those who fall easily. I could go on for hours about the stupid things say and now people think I should've forgotten my journey and everything is great because I'm a mum. It never leaves you I remember it all so easily and it's changed me forever as a person. 

Ignorant twits. 😉 Xx


----------



## maire2012

Hi Haydan,

Both my husband and I feel that the giving of the calendar was malicious, going on past history with the family.
There were also some clangers inside the calendar as well. Thank you for understanding and not rushing to judge us, its greatly appreciated.

Maire.


----------



## Angedelight

Vickytick
You're so right- this totally changes you as a person. It certainly has me. And not for the better!
Thanks for the B.O.B info El-why. I'll bear that in mind next time it seems I'm constantly behind a car proclaiming it as makes good sense now.
There's a local running group starting in our park which I thought I'd quite like to join 'friendly inclusive women's running courses...' Followed by 'This Mum runs!!' 😂😂 clearly exclusive- will bin that one off! 
X


----------



## Vickytick

That's unbelievable *marie2012*. I don't blame you for getting angry

*angedelight* why do they always assume that women are mums or those that aren't are in that situation by choice.

It got me thinking last night all these insensitive stories and I'm amazed as you wouldn't say things to disabled people.

I actually got comments when I miscarried such as at least you know you can get pg or that one wasn't meant to be. As though that lessens the emotional, physical or psychological impact of losing a baby.


----------



## sophiekh

My brother in law sending me pictures of every new baby in his family and they are very fertile and seem to be having babies all the time. I spent this beginning of this month telling myself that I'm not going to let infertility get me down. It has again,

Plus my younger sister is also pregnant, I feel empty (Again)


----------



## maire2012

Sophiekh,


----------



## Vickytick

Sophie huge   It's horrific when it's shoved in your face.


----------



## magicpillow

SophieKh that is awful, huge hugs.  People have no idea.

I had been telling some friends online that a few days ago I was getting some bleeding and was worried that I might be having a m/c but luckily the bleeding stopped.  I said about how you hear about the heartbreaking stories of people who m/c time and time again after ivf and it's scary.  One of them (who knows our situation) said that I shouldn't read the bad stories as people beat the odds all the time - look at her, she conceived in the second month of trying at 40 and again at 42.  Errr thanks for that;  3 years and an IVF for me! (and I'm aware that's not that bad compared to some!).


----------



## magicpillow

I'm currently doing a placement for my uni course and the whole conversation is around everyone's kids all day long.  I did mention my situation to someone and she did ask if I'd ever thought of adoption!  People have no idea about the grieving process you have to go through before you can even consider that.  I've been asked about adoption so many times.  The whole thing just makes me realise what an outcast you can feel when you're going through IF and every conversation at work and socially is about children.


----------



## justone

I have to add this post as a form of a venting exercise. Last evening I was at the first session of my M-Level course in Education. I looked around and mentally ascertained that I was the third oldest student in the room... no problem with that until during our tea break I got chatting to the other two "oldies", one of whom made the comment that the other younger students on the course hadn't a clue as "unlike us 3, they haven't had their children yet never mind having them reared and now enjoying our duties as grannies!" I blushed profusely and stammered that I hadn't been lucky enough to have any children of my own unfortunately. The other "oldie" replied "Why not? Did you put your career in front of having children or did you just not want to be bothered to have any until it was too late?" I felt so mortified I could have died but rather than having a scene, I mumbled that I had a call to make and then beat a hasty retreat out of there! Grrrrrr!!!


----------



## Lullabel

I think my fave came while I was at a work event. One of my colleagues (who I'd only met twice before) asked me whether I had kids. When I said no, he said "all you career people, tripping round London drinking in fancy bars. You're having fun now, but when you're in your fifties you'll be sad and lonely." My second cycle had failed a fortnight previously and I'd had a few wines so I ended up bursting into tears and telling him that I had just had a failed IVF. I ordinarily would not tell a colleague such a thing, but I knew he was about to leave the company, and as I said, I was quite ******. His response "oh I'm sorry" *pause* "in that case you should adopt, kids are the best thing ever, I don't know where I'd be without mine".

What the actual ****

My mother is also trying to pressure my little sister into moving in with her new-ish boyfriend "so that they can get started before it's too late"


----------



## Arrows

Justone, that's awful!

People make such assumptions.


----------



## mogg77

Dreadful people! I absolutely hate this smug assumption women have brought it on themselves being career obsessed! The newspapers always slip that one in too when writing about infertility.


----------



## sophiekh

Thats truly awful - people do seem to assume we are child less by choice and are too career driven, and we have left it too late etc etc. 
I hate working some days, I go work to get my mind off childlessness and earn money for further treatments if/when possible. At adoption is not free either and not a simple process


----------



## magicpillow

It's so hard isn't it.  I'm doing a uni course at the moment and started my clinical placement just over a week ago.  I had bleeding on my first day (following bfp over xmas) and then a few days later at my 7 week scan, I found out I was only measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.
The next day on placement, every person I went on a community visit with asked me if I had kids and then proceeded to tell me all about their kids and how the job is really flexible if you've got kids etc.  Later that morning in the office, they were all comparing pregnancy stories and talking about what their bump was like etc. 
Then at lunchtime the whole team were together and all joking about how many pregnancies there had been in the team in the last 5 years and how there must be a special chair.  Someone even said to me 'you'd better watch out'.  If only it were that blimmin' easy!  They were also teasing my supervisor (who is 2 that she will be next etc.  The whole conversation was so uncomfortable when I was thinking how it had been 3 years for me, and IVF and now a potential miscarriage.  I just hate the world view that if you want kids, you just have them!


----------



## Bahhumbug

Magicpillow


----------



## Arrows

huge hugs magicpillow -hoping for a miracle. x


----------



## Angedelight

Magicpillow- sounds like you've coped amazingly. 
Good luck with your scan and your placement. 
X


----------



## magicpillow

Aw thank you everyone. So lovely xxx


----------



## sophiekh

Why is there always magically chair that makes you pregnant in the office. Ive had people tell maybe i should sit it in too lol


----------



## K jade

i try not to look at this thread as it makes me angry
but some of the things people are told i really have no words
truly awful


----------



## nevertoolate

After our failed oe cycle we went on holiday to get away from the stress. We met a nice couple at the hotel who were older than us.. They had been commenting on their health problems and we were keeping the conversation light when the lady asked me not dh, just me if I did not have children by choice or just prefered my job.
I sometimes women are far harsher on other women. It really upsets me. I am feeling really fragile now and dont know how to react to these questions anymore.


----------



## shayv

PPL can be soo insensetive, a nurse I work with at work (I am a dental hygienist) said to me "you have trouble, really, I didnt have any trouble... it broke my heart, she eats unhealthy all the time and no exercise, she is a single mother and is a lazy slob. Nowadays when ppl who know me ask me why we dont have kids I just turn around and say Oh we lost one few months ago, its completely broken us, that gets them to shut up soo fast. the thing is, no one is gonna say the right thing, and whatever they say is going to be taken wrong by us. Unless you have been through it personally, you will never know that longing.
Nowadasy I dont even know if I want a child or not, its become such, that I just have to have a child otherwise ppl will think something is wrong with our marriage, especially since we are of Indian ethnicity and tend to come in larger extended families where we are the only ones who have been married 5 years with no child. Sad sad sad time...


----------



## nevertoolate

For me the real icing on the cake was a nurse at our clinic. He said she fell pregnant really easily with her two sons well into her mid to late forties and said god was looking after her.... to hear this in a fertility clinic is something else....

Shayv, I am really sorry hun that you have been through so much. I totally understand the added pressures that exist in your community. It is difficult to keep positive under those circumstances. I agree people just dont get it at all. I wish you the best with all my heart. Xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We started TTC after we got married about ten years ago and it never really happened for us. 

As I work from home, I frequently get packages for neighbours who are out. This month I accepted  a delivery that takes the cake, though... Basically, my neighbour went mad on a popular maternity website and ordered nearly everything: stroller, high chair, car seat, etc.

I guess that means they are pregnant/adopting?  

Last time it took two weeks of chasing them to give them their package. i am so glad I am in a good place now, because climbing over someone else's baby buys for a week would have been brutal in the thick of it. 

I will keep in mind that I can be a bad neighbour and decline to take their packages for them.


----------



## prettysmiles2015

I would totally be leaving that stuff on their doorstep.....and if it rains - oh well


----------



## Handstitchedmum

prettysmiles2015 said:


> I would totally be leaving that stuff on their doorstep.....and if it rains - oh well


 

I am relieved to report it has been picked up!


----------



## Arrows

I'm really glad handstitchedmum!


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I'd be turning deliveries like that away! It drives me bonkers when people order things online knowing full well they're going to be at work and not at home when they arrive.

I've chosen not to tell friends about our upcoming cycle this time after we did a FET and a friend said "if it doesn't work, you can just try again". Well, it didn't work, but there's no bloody 'just' about it.


----------



## BroodyChick

Those stories still break my heart.
What a 'friend', SSD!
Especially the comments on miscarriages really hit home. How do you respond to a friend who responds to your news of a miscarriage with: 'I've had some heavy periods in the past, I'm sure I've had a few myself'?! Oh have you now? Did you see the lines on a test, feel pregnant, get excited? Go for a scan? No you just used a couple more tampons than usual.

Once I was on a date and bumped into a guy I vaguely knew through a mutual friend. The last time I'd seen him a few months before he must have picked up on the fact that I'd just seen a heartbeat on a scan, so while my date was in the loo he asked: 'so did you have a baby then?' No, moron, I didn't have a magic baby born at 4 months which I'm hiding away somewhere while I go out dating! I quickly told him about my loss before my date came back from the toilet. Cue embarrassed face. Why would I want to talk about this sad experience in front of someone on a second date??! I hope this has shut that guy up for life.


----------



## Mrs Rothers

Today I got told I'm lucky to be back on Clomid and to have our first go at IUI. I'm lucky that this is still available to us. This was a comment from a "friend". This is after AF being 8 days late before putting in an appearance as well. Nice one Love


----------



## Bahhumbug

Currently infuriating and amusing me in a sick and twisted way is that tv trailer for, i presume and guess its Call the Midwife, where the opening gambit is a really loud 'Could you be pregnant?'
DH and i have taken to involuntary replies ranging from 'No, but thanks for that' to some unmentionables


----------



## Arnies Mum

This isn't insensitive as such but we had a gardener to come round and quote for cutting a tree down. He was running late and when he eventually turned up he was in a real fluster. He said 'I'm sorry I am late I have just had some really bad news' we were both sympathetic until he told us that the REALLY BAD news was that his wife was expecting another baby! My husband and I looked at each other and smirked. How we didn't crack up there and then I don't know....at least we could see the funny side. 
He didn't get the job!!! Haha


----------



## stelmat

Not been online for a while so just had a catch up on this thread, gosh there have been some real shockers.  I'm sorry you all have to go through this.

My ones this week have been pretty minor but still irritating.  Kicked the week off with another pregnancy announcement from a friend.  This one is a mistake and they didn't really want a baby, but well, they suppose it will be ok.  

The other thing irritating me this week it ******** and the Motherhood challenge.  My news feed is rammed with bumps and baby photos.


----------



## Bahhumbug

Gosh that Motherhood Challenge bugs me too. Enough of the mutual back-patting already and pass the sick bag xx


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I did participate in the motherhood photo posting; it reminded me how bloody lucky I am to have had one successful cycle instead of concentrating on the two failed ones and the anxiety of the upcoming one. For some, it's not all about sick bags and back patting... it's sad that infertility makes us feel that way.


----------



## Bahhumbug

Fair point and well made.
You have made me stop and think and I heartily apologise. Stupid knee-jerk comment from me which actually makes me as foot-in-mouth as some I complain about.

All the best for your forthcoming cycle 
X


----------



## Wishings15

When I get my bfp, I always said I wouldn't post on social media. Simply, because I know I have infertilie freinds and I know how hard its been for me to look down my newsfeed somedays..xx


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Bahhumbug  you're entitled to your feelings, this journey is horrible and long. 

I think it's personal choice wishingonastar; I post anything and everything I want on social media because it's my space. If it makes friends who are in a different place to me feel uncomfortable, that's not my intention and they can hide my posts if they would rather not see them. I have a friend who is due when I would have been had my last FET gone ahead; I've just hidden her from my timeline for now. I would never expect her to stop posting her pregnancy updates on my behalf (especially since she struggled to conceive). It is hard to look down your newsfeed at endless bump and scan photos or toddler videos but you don't know what those people have been through to be able to post those things.


----------



## Bahhumbug

Sarah, thank you for being so gracious when I was in the wrong x


----------



## Arrows

I got posted it at least 4 times and got pretty annoyed with it as although I'm very grateful for my miracles, that's only one part of me and not the be-all and end-all of who I am! (learnt through many difficult years of IF that I should be proud of the things that make me who I am and motherhood does not define you as a person or as a woman).
So I created a different one for my friends, instead of re-posting I did:
The UNIQUE Challenge!
The motherhood challenge has been going around on ******** for the past week but you don't have to be a mum to be amazing and one-of-a-kind! So here is my UNIQUE Challenge!
Post 5 pictures that make you UNIQUE!

I think it's great that many viewpoints are expressed on here and FF users are the one place people can truly understand why we may feel the way we do.


----------



## magicpillow

The motherhood challenge is all over my newsfeed.  I don't have a problem with people being proud to be mums but it just makes me sad that I may never be and heightens the isolation I feel with my peer group these days.  I think it also highlights what a taboo infertility is as my newsfeed is full of mum posts and blogs but there is nothing on infertility.  There is just a silent around it.  I was tempted to do my own infertility twist on the motherhood challenge in a light hearted way - pics that symbolise the struggle (funny memes etc!).  I am dying to share some infertility articles on ** as I hate that there is such a silence around it. 
I agree that we should be able to post what we want on ** so I feel like if I want to start posting things about infertility, I should be able to without worrying.


----------



## prettysmiles2015

I've got a photo collage ready and waiting which displays my 'motherhood challenge'. Quite frankly it d*cks on other people's photos. Consists of meds, injections and surgery. 

But I just can't bring myself to make my story public to the ** world.

I did feel better though just by making the collage!!


----------



## magicpillow

Prettysmiles, I'm exactly the same!  I'm too scared to post it!  I tried to make it lighthearted so people wouldn't think it was an angry response but I can't bring myself to put my journey 'out there'!


----------



## sarahsuperdork

After our second failed FET last year, I did a big ******** announce. I was hurting and I wanted to scream about it, but more so, I wanted any friends out there who were struggling to know that they were not alone. In a world of pregnancy announcements and scan photos, it can feel as though everyone is pregnant but you. I had two friends message me to tell me they had been privately struggling, too. I hoped it made them feel less lonely. I wouldn't normally post anything quite so personal but it felt important to say something at that time.


----------



## bobo66

A friend and former colleague of mine did such a lovely pregnancy announcement recently - also thanking everyone who had helped and supported in her secondary infertility which most of us hadn't known about - with a beautiful drawing from her DS, and no scan photo. I PMed her and there were so many lovely public messages posted. I don't have the courage to post publicly about infertility at the moment (haven't told my parents) but hopefully one day I will.


----------



## Haydan

i went onto social media on sat morning and the first post i saw was my sisters motherhood challenge - what worse is she's a crap mother - wonderful sister and love her to bits but she's not a good mom - my mom even says she wishes she get parenting lessons so it's not me being bitter lol. 
and its not that i'm not happy for other mothers cuz i am and i know some of the posts are from women who have struggled to become mothers but it does cast a sadness that i can't join in and its through no fault of my own.

Then something lovely happened...

A friend of mine posted stating the following:

_"Thank you ***** for nominating me for the motherhood challenge however I am not taking part. I often post pictures of Jenson as he is my world however I know how lucky I am to have him. To conceive and give birth is supposed to be one of the most natural things in the world and yet so many struggle and suffer. This is to all those who are trying for a baby, can't have one or have lost one you are the ones we should recognise."_

Well i started blarting there and then lol - it was lovely just knowing that someone is thinking about you and others in similar situations.

All's not completely lost ladies xxx


----------



## bobo66

Aww Haydan - that is just beautiful. We should make that a sticky for this topic...


----------



## Bahhumbug

Haydan, that's so lovely and what a brave, thoughtful thing to do. Must have taken so much guts


----------



## sarahsuperdork

That's really lovely of your friend Haydan.

Today I posted three more photos - my drugs, a diagram of what happens during egg collection and our faithful friend, the dildo-cam. I'm not embarrassed by our journey and I'd rather people knew how hard it is for some of us.


----------



## Glitter

We were so grateful after managing to get a BFP on our third attempt. We were even more amazed to see 2 heartbeats during our early scans. However when I started bleeding and cramping I was warned we may be losing the "weaker" twin who had been slower to develop. A friend who had also been going for treatment herself dismissed my emotional state saying "oh well, at least you'll still have one bun in then oven!".

A few months later she got pregnant herself with triplets and was outraged when the consultant suggested she went for selective reduction. I bit my tongue...


----------



## MandyPandy

sarahsuperdork said:


> That's really lovely of your friend Haydan.
> 
> Today I posted three more photos - my drugs, a diagram of what happens during egg collection and our faithful friend, the dildo-cam. I'm not embarrassed by our journey and I'd rather people knew how hard it is for some of us.


I'm right with you. It reminds me of this pic which I think says so, so much. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/new-mums-picture-of-ivf-baby-surrounded-by-fertility-syringes-goes-viral-a6687236.html

When I decided that I could no longer take any more of the treatment journey, I posted a heartfelt comment in which I told all my friends what we had been through over the previous 4 years and why we hadn't been to gatherings, children's parties, etc. I did it for a couple of reasons: in the hope that anyone else I knew who might also be suffering would know they were not alone (and I also got a few PM's from friends telling me their stories); and so people would not ask the endless inane questions about when I was going to have a child or why I didn't have one already.

In terms of the motherhood challenge, while I am lucky enough to have finally achieved my miracle against all odds, I don't see the need to shove it down people's throats - but then that's my view of social media in general. I don't post a lot about my life as I'm not after approval from others. It's not just the motherhood challenge, it's all challenges. I don't participate in any of them - don't see the point. When I announced my current pregnancy, it was just a small post about expecting a new arrival. No scan pics and nothing else. Anyone who truly matters will have seen them and for anyone who is suffering, it doesn't matter how I announce it, it's going to be a knife in the heart - damage limitation is the best I can hope for.


----------



## Glitter

Haydan - I just nicked your friend's Motherhood challenge post and posted something similar on my own wall ..it can't be easy having ******** swamped with baby pics when still waiting for your own miracle x


----------



## Sbarky15

Rant time before I burst in to tears at work. 

My Friend has just sent me an invite to her son's christening (joint with a cousins baby - yay! I HAVE to go, I'm God parent!), then started to question me about treatment. I did my usual and answered very specifically as to not leave the door open for further interrogation. It's not something I like to discuss unless I raise the matter myself which is rare. 

She then questioned what's next if the clomid treatment fails, so I just replied back "IVF" She asked if I would do it. 

After feeling interrogated enough I just said "no" hoping she would leave it alone and her response back was "Don't blame you it could be a waste of money." 

I'm hormonal and this is not the response I wanted.  I should have perhaps answered properly, but I didn't want to and now I feel like sh1t  xxx


----------



## sarahsuperdork

MrsBarky


----------



## Glitter

Mrsbarky - how insensitive. You'd think it would be clear from your one word answers she'd get the hint. Maybe if she starts prying again say something like "I'm actually finding it difficult to talk about this right now, do you mind?".

I have an older aunt (who was in the very first batch of IVF patients with Dr Steptoe but who never conceived). She is a little hard of hearing and at the last 2 family gatherings she has asked me in a very loud  voice, have you decided to go for another round of IVF yet? I just mumble something about not making a decision....but honestly she doesn't even wait til we're alone, the last time was at a table full of people. Since when did my uterus become an acceptable dinner table topic? I wouldn't ask a fertile person "when are you planning on trying to conceive". So rude...arghh!


----------



## Sbarky15

I know. She doesn't word things very nicely and singing "it could be a waste of money" isn't very diplomatic in my opinion. She could have worded it differently and it probably wouldn't hurt so much, like "if that's you decision it's understandable because you don't know if it would work." 

How awful of her to do that. I hate it when people ask, because in a nutshell you're being asked about your sex life!! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS lol


----------



## Sbarky15

Its mad isn't it how the slightest thing can set us off lol. I actually don't know what I'd even want people to say when I ask how their kids are. If it's all good they're rubbing it in, it they say things like "they're a pain is the ass" they're ungrateful lol! xx


----------



## magicpillow

I really find the slightest thing sets me off at the moment!
I met up with some uni course mates this evening (I'm currently on a placement) and one of them knows about my recent mc following ivf.  She was talking about how her friend who lives quite far away has just had a baby and she's dying to go and see them.  She was saying about how she wants to see the baby whilst it's still newborn as they are so cute and adorable etc.  Not the sort of thing I wanted to be listening to!
In some ways I love my course as everyone is younger so there is generally no child talk but then there is the naive assumption that you can just have children if you want them (which to be fair, most people probably think unless they've been through infertility).
That probably made no sense!


----------



## bobo66

Magic pillow that absolutely makes sense and I empathise... The other day I was talking about pressure to have children in different environments and someone much younger than me said "Yes, cos you might not be ready" - biding my time and emotional resilience to explain choice isn't the only thing at play.

Xx


----------



## swanlake

I often read this post and sometimes laugh, sometimes cry sometimes feel unbelievable anger at how crap people can be, 

Today I am feeling absolutely fuming, close to tears and just completely fed up with how crap so called friends can be- I am trying to put it into some perspective. 

A friend who I have confided in and knows about my losses and struggles- well today I opened up a text message from her to be faced with not one but two scan photos of her pregnancy announcement followed with the words that her and her husband are proud to announce their third addition and she was sorry she didn't get to tell me in person but hope I am ok

What planet do these people live on? Am I wrong to feel angry and think this was completely and utterly insensitive and so bloomin uncalled for? Why did she think that me opening this message to see this photo would be something I would be really happy about? I am gobsmacked 

The first and only time I saw a scan photo was after my mmc to be shown "nothing" so obviously it was a horrific reminder of that- which I know she wouldn't know- hubby won't let me reply in haste to her that she has been completely insensitive but I am just so angry .....rrrrrrrrrr

Thank you for listening 
Would people say to her how it felt or just chalk it up and ignore it as yet another person who just doesn't give a dam once they are in their pregnancy bubble?

Xx


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I'm so sorry you had to see that today swanlake  it must have been a punch in the gut for you. You're not wrong to think it insensitive (I would too) and there are a hundred other ways your friend could have told you the same news differently. Not attaching scan photos would have been a good start!


----------



## Bahhumbug

What was she thinking attaching the photos? What a thing for you to have to see. The news is tough enough - i know too well how it winds me - but photos too?
Xx


----------



## chichi85

That is very insenstive . People have no idea how heartbreaking this journey is ! Ive had my fair share of comments in the past with things people have said to me . I now  choose to keep my things private from friends which is sad to have to do but i struggle to cope with things that people say .
Hope your ok swan lake xxxx


----------



## magicpillow

That was very insensitive of her indeed - what the hell was she thinking?
Although this is different, it reminds me of a friend last year who knew about our struggles.  I hadn't seen her for a while and we had a meal with 4 other friends arranged (we hadn't all been together for about 8 months).  She arrived 6 months pregnant!  She took off her coat to reveal a massive baby bump to which everyone screamed and got all excited and then wanted to know full details.  I was choking back the tears from shock and had to go to the toilets to compose myself.  The rest of the day was so tough as it was constant pregnancy chat and I was just fighting back the tears.  She later said to me that she did think about emailing me beforehand but thought it would have been better in person.  Errrr no!  The shock of that day is still with me!


----------



## Hoping 2014

Ah Swanlake & magicpillow that's awful. Magicpillow how did you compose yourself in such a stressful situation? 

Something similar happened to me but I was more chicken. I confessed all to a friend one night - told her everything - the heartbreaking losses, financial difficulties, trouble with my mother's health, everything. She even confessed a few things of her own to me (not fertility related). 

Fast forward to another friends wedding a few moths later and I haven't heard from her - which was a bit odd but as I was caught up in my own woes I though nothing of it. I phoned her the day before the wedding for her to ask the "any news?" question. I stuttered that given my fertility challenges I was unlikely to have "any news" for some time. Cue she tells me that she is in the waiting room for an antenatal check at that very moment. She was over six months gone. In the five months since I last seen her she never thought to tell me. We decided not to go to the wedding in the end. DH was unwell anyway & I couldn't face her bump with the obvious question of why we did not have kids yet. Turned out it was a 'lucky' escape as everyone at the table were expecting & we would have been the odd ones out. Life it ****e sometimes.


----------



## swanlake

thanks sarah, bahumbug, chichi, magic and hoping. 

I feel slightly better after reading your comments- I know people on here really get it. 

I think like you both magic and hoping it's the shock and the unpreparedness of it- if we were warned we could deal with it a bit better buts it's the complete shock- it's no wonder we hide away and isolate ourselves from social gatherings etc 

Tbh I felt quite traumatised by her message- which I am sure wasn't her intention at all 
But like you all it's very hard to manage it at times. 

Hoping - you did have a lucky escape at the wedding- that would have been awful- I just get a bit fed up with having to manage not only my feelings but then having to manage the crap that comes from other people who really should know better- heh Ho- our cross to bear! 

Magic I would have felt exactly the same as you- yes an email would have been better 
Chichi I know what you mean about just keeping things private- I seriously have just three friends out of many who I would trust- sad really

Sarah/bahumbug thanks for your thoughts in that you would feel the same- makes me feel I am not being an over sensitive cow! 

Xx


----------



## kandykane

This isn't exactly insensitivity but I'm really struggling with the situation. A family member who I'm very close to unfortunately has some mental health problems that sometimes lead her to abuse drugs/alcohol. I have done my best to support her over the years and she has been there for me to sound off at re infertility etc. She has never wanted children and doesn't have a steady relationship (long term f*buddy). Anyway. She rang me two weeks ago to tell me she is 17 weeks pregnant. It was as if time stopped and the world spun round me, I thought I was going to pass out. She is still unsure about whether to keep it, although she has told everyone now and says she's keeping it she confides in me that she's actually not sure and can't bear to look at her tummy. I feel so sorry for her and am being there for her but at the same time it's so unfair I'm raging at the injustice of it!! Goodness only knows how she's going to cope with a baby poor girl, praying her substance abuse hasn't harmed the baby, I'm not even convinced she's stopped now - she says she has but in the same breath says she's cut down massively and I don't know what to believe. She's throwing up every day and I get constant complaints and updates on how rubbish it all is.
At the same time another girl I know (well, I know her granny very well) has just announced her second pregnancy. Her first baby is due to be taken into care on Tuesday. Granny has been looking after baby since he was 10 days old (now 5 months and granny is doing a great job but can't sustain the pace as she has health issues) she has asked me and DH in all seriousness and several times if we could take him permanently (we've babysat several times when she's gone to see social services re her daughter), wish I could but it just doesn't work like that.


So there are three unwanted babies and I'm supporting the mother of one and granny of the other two. Meanwhile DH and I are praying for a miracle. Makes me weep     


I don't except either of these two people to tiptoe around me but sometimes I do really wonder if I'm the best person they should be telling all this to


----------



## Talkingfrog

Kandykane - Well done for being there to support them - I don't think I would be able to cope in that situation.


----------



## kandykane

To add to it, my stepmum said to me yesterday when talking about said family member "well she's 32 it's her last chance really at 32 she's pretty much past it". So what am I at 38?? Thanks!


----------



## carrie lou

Kandykane      You are such an amazingly strong person. I often wonder if there is a god, why doesn't he give the babies to the people who actually want them and would love them and care for them properly.


----------



## Tigger99

KandyKane - massive hugs hunny   This is very hard on you. I too recently found out about a baby being abandoned by its mum 3 weeks after being born. My mum and sister were heavily involved in helping her and finding stuff for the baby. My sister is sooo upset and has been telling me all about it. Thank goodness I'm pregnant otherwise I would not have coped with this situation at all. It seems so sad that these people do not appreciate the gifts they are given.


----------



## crystaldaisy

Daisy-Chain said:


> Oh yes definitely had the relax and it will happen and the it will happen when you least expect it. Ok so the only way I will be pregnant is through treatment so to be honest, if I ever get a BFP at OTD, that weren't because I least expected it. It's because I knew to the day when it could happen, it was no surprise! *One day you will grow a brain cell, when you least expect it*
> 
> Then there is the be thankful, at least you can have......a lie in, adult only holiday, night out without worrying about babysitter, full night sleep, hangover without having a nappy to change and make you sick....etc etc! I'd be more than happy to give up every single one and so much more to be a mum but thanks for trying to compare motherhood with having a lie in, I will give myself an extra half hour tomorrow just to make sure I am thankful for that!


Thank you for brightening my day, I just snorted soup out through my nose reading this.


----------



## crystaldaisy

Well...when I told my mum that we would have to have ICSI (I just said IVF as she'd be more familiar with the term) because my husband makes practically no sperm and we'll be lucky if we get enough to have the treatment she said that it was awful but it's good because she 'just knows' we'll 'get' twins.  Like they're pulled out of a lucky bag or something.  She repeated the thing about twins every time we talked about it for months after, and eventually I told her twins are impossible when they will only transfer one embryo just to shut her up. (I know they're not impossible).  

She also told me she 'just knows' we will get pregnant naturally anyway as miracles happen, and to keep praying as she knows prayers will work.  I'm not in the least bit religious and don't believe in god but she won't stop saying it no matter how many times she's told.  She's not even religious herself!

I've just turned  36.  A few months after I told her our situation and how my fertility is fine, that it's my husband's lack of sperm is the problem she rang excitedly to tell me my cousin's wife's sister in law who I've never met is 44 and she just got pregnant naturally a few months after getting married and they weren't even trying so I shouldn't give up hope.  I said that was great for them but it has no relevance at all to our situation and she was all offended because she was 'only trying to help.'

The day I rang her to tell her about the awful appointment we'd had the day before where we were told we'd need to use donor sperm she said 'oh god, that's wild' and promptly changed the subject to tell me about her sore toe.

Nearly every time I call she starts off the conversation by telling me who has just had a lovely baby or is pregnant and keeps telling me how 2 of my cousins are such wonderful natural mothers and she wishes she was a granny.

All the time we've been on the waiting list for IVF she's been telling me I better hurry up or I'll have left it too late.  As if I have any control over it!!

I mentioned for about the 10th time last week about how I was dreading injecting myself and she said "What are you talking about, I thought you just needed a turkey baster?"

You could get the impression my mother is a horrible person, but she's really just incredibly tactless!!

Another friend who was freaking out to me because they'd been trying to get pregnant with their second child for about 5 months is adopted herself and any time our treatment comes up in conversatoin she keeps insisting we should adopt instead.  She can't understand why we would want to try everything to have our own children when it's a possibility.  Why doesn't she adopt then?!


----------



## Lolem

Crystaldaisy - I think we might have the same mum!


----------



## crystaldaisy

Lolem said:


> Crystaldaisy - I think we might have the same mum!


Lol I feel for you then


----------



## Tigger99

Crystal daisy - you mum is tactless not horrible. She is trying to say encouraging things but isn't because she doesn't understand how to respond. My mum was a bit tactless ( not on the same scale as you have had) and I told her straight what she shouldn't say and what support I DID need from her. She's very supportive now. Maybe you need to tell her what is and isn't helping too?


----------



## Arrows

Tigger, your inbox is full! Come on chat!


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## Frosticle

I love these stories.

I have more but my most recent one for now is....

Regarding this Ivf treatment you're paying for... Do the offer any guarantee? To which I replied no, how do you mean?
He then said, well how do they know you're getting value for money?

I sat open mouthed for several seconds....not sure how to respond.  Does he think you are literally buying a baby?


----------



## crystaldaisy

Tigger99 said:


> Crystal daisy - you mum is tactless not horrible. She is trying to say encouraging things but isn't because she doesn't understand how to respond. My mum was a bit tactless ( not on the same scale as you have had) and I told her straight what she shouldn't say and what support I DID need from her. She's very supportive now. Maybe you need to tell her what is and isn't helping too?


Yea I have told her when she says things that annoy me and explained to her why but it makes no difference whatsoever. She's the same in every situation, it's not just around IVF. Like when we met a lady she knows in town and mum enquired about her husband. The woman said her husband had recently passed away. My mum started repeating 'you're joking me, you're joking me, you must be having me on' like its something someone would make up as a joke! That was awkward.

Also 2 years ago my cousin had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for a year and she was devestated. We were visiting the following Christmas and there were quite a lot of people in their house. My mum started quite loudly saying to her out of nowhere "you had a miscarriage didn't you? Your lovely baby should have been here with you now but it's not. I'm sure it would have been a lovely baby." I could see my cousin was about to cry so I was desperately trying to change the conversation.

My mum has also said she'd give me HER (65 yr old) eggs if she could, even though my husbands sperm count is the issue.


----------



## marty123

Recently I have been very sentimental with what people have said to me. Now I will share some of the most hurtful words I have heard from people... I don't know if they do it on purpose or they are just ignorant to the fact that what they say to really hurts me: 
_You just need to relax, if you think about it too much it will not happen. Don't you want to have kids, how long have you been married? You are next..Don't worry you will eventually get pregnant. Look at me, I got pregnant on the first try. Have you tried.....Stop trying and you will get pregnant. Ohh, my relative just got married and she is already pregnant, she is a good fertile woman (from my mother in law). Hurry up and have a baby! You should have more sex. Your cycle is so messed up you will never have a baby (NFP counselor). It's because you are not trying hard enough (from my mother). If you can't have a baby, you can always adopt. I'm Pregnant, ohh I'm sorry did I make you upset? You should be happy that you don't have to deal with the crying of a baby&#8230;..
Sometimes it's better to remain just silent&#8230;
_


----------



## Lolem

Crystaldaisy - my mum said exactly the same thing about eggs! I nearly lost it!


----------



## magicpillow

Oh Crystal and Marty - how awful!  I have to say, this thread keeps me sane as it's a bit of a lifeline in the lonely world of infertility.  Our issue is also male factor (we managed to get a few from a sperm retrieval op but even then, only small nubmers) and my mum often says to me that perhaps I am actually very fertile as if it wasn't for my partner's lack of sperm, I might have got pregnant really quickly!  That actually makes me feel worse as my partner's issue isn't going to change so I don't want to think about whether I'm really fertile or not!

Well this one isn't insensitive as such but I just need an offload (although maybe it is...).  A group of friends who I feel I've been losing touch with a bit meet up regularly and I often go along as not all of them have kids although many do.  One of them recently got pregnant at 39 in the first month of trying and announced it at a meal when I was in my first week of injections for ivf (they all know my story and that I had ivf in December).  Cue lots of talk about maternity leaves and baby stuff.  Someone else had a baby in January so there was lots of talk of meeting up to see the baby. 

Someone else who is in that group and is 40 had been trying for 18 months and told she had low amh and would need ivf.  I think they had been going for an appointment back in October which was the last time I saw her.  Anyway, on saturday she announced she was pregnant in our ******** group, complete with scan pic.  Good for her and I'm pleased it worked out without the need for ivf but it triggered a massive meltdown from me which I think was all the emotions of my recent mc coming out.  I sobbed all day!  Everyone was congratulating her (which is fine and normal) but nobody has ever asked me how my ivf went back in December.  There is now talk of meeting up to celebrate the news.  I'm keeping quiet and am def not meeting up in the near future but at some point I will tell them that my ivf resulted in a pregnancy which I then miscarried and had to have an operation!  Just feel peeved they have never asked me how things have gone.


----------



## Lolem

Magicpillow  
You are right, this infertility business is a very lonely place to be. I also had Ivf in December that ended in mc at end of Jan. I have 2 friends that are pg and neither of them will really talk about their pregnancy or babies, even if I ask. It makes me feel even worse - so excluded and isolated. And I can tell if I talk about my treatment it just makes them feel uncomfortable. I try hard and put a brave face on with them so why can't they with me? I can't believe your friends haven't even mentioned your treatment or asked how it went. You must feel so alone. Just remember we are all here for you X


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks so much Lolem.  It's a tough journey isn't it and often people don't understand what we go through.  This forum is definitely a life line.  I'm meeting up with a friend this weekend who went through 5 failed ivfs so she totally gets it and it's always great to have a catch up with her.  Big hugs xx


----------



## Talkingfrog

I  am sorry magicpillow,

I was at a small reunion of some school friends while we were doing our cycle two years ago.  The conversation got on to the subject of children and people saying that they did not want/were  too old for another one.  No one in the group new that one of the  reasons I had offered to drive one of the girls home was because I wanted an excuse not to drink as I had just started stimms.  Only one or two of them new we had icsi for our first three years earlier.

That cycle failed, but around  9 months later on what would have been my due date (the date given to someone else who had ec and transfer the same day as me) one of the girls in work announced she was pregnant.  I congratulated her as I was genuinely pleased for her, but then made a quick exit for lunch and went and had a cry in the car.  Our second attempt failed a week before the baby was brought in to work.  To add to it one of the other girls announced her pregnancy last week, around the time I would have been doing the same if the second go had been a success. 

I do consider myself fortunate though as I have a friend who also had icsi for her first and like me has had failed cycles trying for a sibling.  I also have another friend who had failed cycles previously before catching naturally.  She is now with another partner and also trying for a sibling.  Although we don't meet up all the time, it does mean I have friends I can talk to who understand. 

During our first cycle about 6 people in work knew what was going on.  I was pleased that although there were one or two questions during the treatment (not prying but genuine interest as to what the process involved and usually when not many others were about), no one asked when I would know the outcome and so I didn't get asked if it had worked or not.(Either that or no-one wanted to ask incase the answer was negative).  In the end I told my managers at 5 weeks was I had ohss after transfer (ended up as a day patient in hospital for three days), and had a bleed at 6 weeks (I  think I was originally having twins and lost one).  None of the others were told the outcome until I was ready. 
We  didn't want any questions on our last two tries so only told our parents and took leave for all the appointments.  I can understand why you feel hurt that no-one has asked about your treatment, and would have said maybe they don't want to ask if it will upset you and think that you will tell them if you want them  know, but then if that was the case they should have thought about that when having the other conversations. I don't think I would want to meet up straight away either.


----------



## justone

Hi all. Need to offload. Hope ye don't mind. 1 of the guys I used to work with and who still works in the same building became a dad for the 3rd time lately and accidentally (or coincidentally all the same to me!) has called his new baby my 2 first names! Don't know whether to laugh or cry. Another male colleague also became a dad again recently for the 4th time. His youngest child is in year 9 so this latest wee one was - he told us - completely unplanned! I walked him through his DW's pregnancy from morning sickness to all the scans to (him!!!) having sleepless nights throughout it (because SHE snored or hogged the duvet!) He returns from paternity leave tomorrow and once again I'm going to have to bite my tongue to the point of tasting blood to hide my angry disappointment that he has become an unwilling dad this time round yet my husband would do anything to be to be parents... Sorry the post has been so long! Sending you all uber positivity on this frosty February evening! xox


----------



## Talkingfrog

Justone - offload all you like if it helps.  Be gentle on your tongue though.


----------



## Nanzb

hi ladies, 

thank you so much for all those stories i could read! OMG i know now i am not alone..... So on the weekend, we had another failed cycle    and i posted one of links on ******** for our friends, so they would understand if i am down and why. 

My best friend is pregnant at the moment ( 4 months) and she dropped a major bomb on me 2 weeks ago, my Husband always said if we ever have a girl, we will call her Lillian ( lilly), now my so called friend, just told me her baby will be called Lilliana. i said to her, it is a bit messed up, seeing she knows what this name means to my husband. than her husband squeeks from the back, its not like you are pregnant, and even if you don't even know if it is a girl. 

Ok, i sucked it up again. 

So after saturday this week, i was very annoyed and she msged me, i really was not in the mood to talk, and send her the link about infertility ( from the page here) she said to me: hmmm interesting, i see you had a very rough day, not to make it worse, but i am having a baby girl" 

I really want to hit her so hard at the moment...... gooooooosh

not like that is not enough,everyone else tells me, just relax it will happen, just chill i know you gonna have a baby, or even better, be glad you dont have kids, you get to sleep!

Ladies after 2 years I have hit my breaking point! I dont want to see people anymore, and if i do see them i might burn my mouth....


----------



## Sbarky15

Hi Nanzb

I can totally relate to what you said. 
One of my friends was quizzing me about everything that was going on, I was in a bit of a sh1tty mood as AF had just arrived, and she asked me if i would go for IVF and in a strop I said no. She replied back with "Dont blame you its a waste of money" making me completely worse. (She has a 7 month old son btw!) So I sent her the same link as you, and asked her to be mindful and told her that SOMETIMES this is how I feel. Her reply back was, "So I cant talk to you about my son?"  

She couldn't seem to grasp that some days are easier than others.... 

I see what you mean. Times like this help you realise who your real friends are. xx


----------



## Nanzb

Yeah just one of those really special people.... I am sitting in traffic right now, just thinking to my self, I really started to hate people.... Most are so annoying and rude....  

Thank you all for making life a lot easier


----------



## Sbarky15

You're certainly not alone there    

I'd rather stay in with my boys than interact with these fertile folk haha (joke!)
xx


----------



## Arrows

I always found my emotions when in cycles -the first year of TTC was difficult with a m/c but 2years was heartbreaking, when we started treatment, the drugs make you so hormonal that it really depended on where in the cycle I was. At least twice a year I would hit a real slump and locked myself away. I remember at one point sending a text message to ALL my female friends of 'childbearing' age, saying how much everything sucked, that if they discovered they were expecting, that I'd be really happy for them but I'd be devastated that it wasn't me. I asked them all to tell me in advance of other people over the phone so that I had a chance to be upset in private and could then be happy for them in public, reassuring them that anything said would be kept confidential. I only got one person respond in an 'absolutely' and thankfully the following 4 announcements that year, people did let me know before and it really helped.


----------



## Nanzb

arrows, i think you gave me a good idea here.... maybe i should do the same... 

I am rally in a tied spot at the moment, as i  dont know what to do with my best friend right now.... i know if i see her it will end up in a huge fight, and if i dont see her, she will start asking why i am not around, and it will still lead to a fight... any advise?


----------



## goldbunny

nanzb

you can still use the name you like, regardless of what your friend does. loads of people have the same name, even in the same family. i knew two twins with the same first name once! (though they were 'known by' their middle names mind) but plenty of people have the same names as their cousins or uncles or whatever so having the same name as a friend wouldn't matter. you have no idea what they will call their daughter when it comes to it she may be known as a nickname her whole life anyway. So just use whatever names you like.

avoid your friend, make yourself some space. there are nicer people out there! you are right though if you avoid her without saying anything you might cause trouble. so there's two choices 1) tell her the truth, you can't cope at the moment with seeing certain people and you will get in touch properly when you can, in the meantime you will only be available via email - that way you can choose when you are in the mood to open it. 
2) make up a huge whopping lie, tell her you are joining a religion or starting an online study course or training for a round the world trek or something that would take up huge amounts of your time and that you will just be 'very busy' for the next year or so. 

in the meantime stay off the social media - not all the time, but plan a once a day or week check rather than keeping looking at it, and choose a time when you are feeling ok and able to deal with anything. have someone you trust give you a morning email update or something rather than being bombarded by everyone's thoughts and plans. if you get up and while still hungry start checking social media sites you will risk starting a day off on the wrong foot. good luck.


----------



## Nanzb

goldbunny, you are my star at the moment!!! I will sure try it... 

I know you have a lot of people with the same name, it was more the remark, well you not pregnant.... it is stuff like that what really hurts like crazy!

Thank you for the advise, i will sure try!


----------



## sarahsuperdork

I need someone to tell me it's not just me being over sensitive! I had transfer 2 days ago and told a close group of friends. We have a private social media group and I posted a pic of the embryo etc. They understand the process. 

Today one of my friends posted in our group that she had some "secret news" to tell us - her sister is pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I asked if that news couldn't have waited until I was out of my 2ww and she said that was a selfish thing to say. During a time when I'm at my most vulnerable, I am supposed to be happy for a stranger? (I've never met her sister)  And if it's so bloody secret, why are you telling people?!


----------



## yoga31

Ssd omg that is awful! What a b****!!


----------



## magicpillow

I can't believe she said that! She should totally have waited until after the 2ww. That is incredibly insensitive and I can't believe what she said to you when you pulled her up on it. Some people just don't get it!


----------



## Teeinparis

Find her sister on ******** and message her.  When you friend gets you in trouble say - well you said I was being selfish and thought I was so I should put my feelings aside and congratulate her!

Seriously - does that friend have kids or have something bad in her life that you can make a comparison with how you feel?


----------



## sarahsuperdork

She has two sisters, one is pregnant (ta for that insensitive info) and the other is having trouble TTC and waiting for IVF. I want to say to her that if I'm pregnant, will she be telling her sister with fertility problems? Because that's an accurate comparison of how appropriate her news was. I've not read her last message to me; I decided that I knew it wouldn't be an apology so it wouldn't be helpful for me to see it.


----------



## Teeinparis

It needs to be something in her life - like relationships, jobs, etc.  

Read the message and decide if you need to quit her for awhile!!!

Good luck on your 2ww!  As maybe in 2 weeks it won't matter


----------



## sarahsuperdork

Thank you  hopefully it won't matter!


----------



## lillieb87

Sarah that is wholly inappropriate an very insensitive of your friend! there is no way on earth that new's couldn't have waited an u are definitely not being over sensitive! I wouldn't want to be her sister with IF problems either!!

I also went to a party/gathering last night an got asked by people I haven't even met before whether we had kids...no not yet was my reply...I then got questions like why not an I should get a move on as am getting old!! I am 29!! after several reminders about age an as I get older it will b harder I just said yeah I know and after 2 rounds of IVF an  m/c I suppose will have to try a bit harder....


----------



## magicpillow

People just haven't got a clue have they lillieb!  Sorry you had to put up with that.  You are so young too!  I'm 39 so god knows what they'd say to me!  I hate being asked if I've got kids.  I did a uni placement recently and for the first two weeks (at the same time I was finding out about the mmc), I got asked daily if I've got kids.  It upsets me sooo much.


----------



## nevertoolate

Hi
When I was on holiday last year a couple asked me if I had kids
When I said no they asked me if that was by choice
I cannot understand why people feel that is a polite manner to treat people and why they feel they have a right to ask
I also noticed that I get asked far more than dh as if it is down to me and me alone that we have not got any
So annoying!!!


----------



## Bahhumbug

Blimey Dreamingof! On holiday! Since when is this an acceptable topic to casually bring up with strangers!
X


----------



## Teeinparis

Just wait for when your Ivf finally works!  After 6 years and 5 cycles we have our miracle and now I get constantly is this your 1st?  Like I am not even part of the 'club'. Or so old I should be on my 10th!!!  I just say. It took us awhile!  

My father-in-law knowing we were having Ivf and that a friend of ours has a son first go with Ivf if he was 'normal'!!!!!


----------



## MrsRL

Sarah - I agree with the others and it was a totally insensitive thing to say, I can't believe she said you were being selfish.   people just don't think or understand it at all!

Lillie, magic and dreamingof - I hate it when people ask if you have kids and then go on to ask if you plan to, as if it is ok to ask this. They don't seem to get the hint! I usually get the opposite though with people saying 'you're young anyway so plenty of time' if only they knew


----------



## nevertoolate

The thing is we had this last minute break after my failed oe cycle so I was not feeling up to answering too many questions anyway and quite fragile
Also being 40 plus makes me more self conscious being a first time mum but now I feel that if my de cycle works we are special and trailblazers so have a completely different mindset as I know if I don't feel right that might pass on those vibes to any potential child
I just don't think people engage their brains at all
When you think about it people can be insensitive in regards to all sorts of subjects but the ones about having  children or Ivf feel really cut to the bone
The only positive is that there is more and more openness so people should become more educated about their behavour


----------



## Teeinparis

The other thing about 'older' mums is my mum who was 32 with me so she is bearish 70 - all her friends and her generation had older mums as well as younger.  My gran was 41, so was two my best friends, and at least two or three friends have had parents around 40.  So I know about the decline in fertility but honestly older mums were normal just for a different reason as families were bigger and the mum procreated for 15 years or more and didn't use birth control!


----------



## Dory10

Dreaming - we once had a similar experience on holiday, we got told we didn't know what we were missing and that we shouldn't leave it too late or we'd regret it.  People can be so insensitive xxx


----------



## Haydan

id just tell people like that straight - "well actually..."

i figure if they feel it's ok to say things like that then it's ok for me to set them straight.


----------



## Tigger99

Yes so do I!! Usually one of 2 things happen. It either shuts them up pretty quickly or they open up too and you get all sort of stories of miscarriages and infertility for them or their families too. If it's the former then maybe they won't pry so readily in the future and if it's the latter then it can lead to some amazing conversations.


----------



## mogg77

I'm open about it too- people need to know this isnt something only affecting a tiny minority of people. There really should be more sensitivity around it. 
I just did a quick tally of friends , relatives and aquaintances, i counted eight couples i personally know who are having or have had problems, including needing ivf and repeat miscarriage. And these are just the ones i know about! Infertility affects a huge amount of people. 
I'll add that none of these people are struggling from deliberately ' leaving it too late' or putting their career first, despite what the daily mail etc would like us to think.


----------



## Haydan

ah the daily mail, the all-knowing-voice-of the-people!


----------



## A123

Feeling the need to write this down although there was no malicious intent.

I went to the hairdressers today, sat down waiting for my appointment reading a magazine. Someone was already having thier hair done and I could sense them saying someone about me. Seconds later the hairdresser shouts over 'hey! Are you pregnant?!'

What the actual F. 

It felt like everyone was then waiting for my answer to which I replied 'no' she felt a little embarrassed and hit back with 'are you thinking about having one?!' Yer because just thinking about having one is going to make me 'look' pregnant. This bloated belly is here because yet again I am waiting for a horrible period to come and I suffer with PCOS so they are painful and heavy.

To make it worse I had to sit through a whole appointment. When I left, I started crying in the car park, then on the journey home, and then at home. Then I took a pregancy test which was in my drawer in a weak moment of 'perhaps it was a sign'. Guess what. Negative.

Grrrrrrr when does this get easier.


----------



## Bahhumbug

A123
What a horrid, horrid experience catching you off guard in one of the places you should be able to relax and be left to yourself. 
Why do people not THINK?
I would have cried there and then - you were very strong to wait.
So sorry this happened today x


----------



## MandyPandy

That's absolutely inexcusable! You poor, poor thing.  I would have felt humiliated and just walked out. I then would have phoned and asked to speak to the manager and complained while making damned sure they knew they had lost my custom for good.


----------



## sarahsuperdork

That's so awful A123!


----------



## mogg77

Ridiculously thoughtless and so personal- what idiots.


----------



## Hopefulshell

Massive   to you. What an appalling thing to say to any woman. Even if she didn't know about your particular situation it's still inexcusable to ever ask someone you don't know that well a question like that unless they are quite definitely pregnant I.e nine months! 

So sorry you had to experience this today. As you say I'm sure her intent wasn't malicious but a careless ignorant throw away comment has left you feeling like poo (and all of us hopping mad on your behalf!) As if PCOS isn't bad enough. 

You did well to hold it together while you were there. You see, you're already far better than her as you know how to behave in polite society  

Have a chilled evening and treat yourself to somethings nice for tea  

X


----------



## A123

Thank you, girls for your lovely thoughts xx I approximate your support so much


----------



## MrsRL

How awful and humiliating for you A123. You did brilliantly holding it together and I'm sorry you had to go through that   xx


----------



## Teeinparis

A123 - in similar situations I used o say nope just fat!  Those women will never ask another again!!!


----------



## magicpillow

A123, that is awful!  I can't believe someone would say that!

On a recent uni placement I found out about my mc during my first week.  Every day during the first fortnight I got asked if I've got kids and sometimes it was more than once a day.  Never was there more a time I really didn't want to be asked that!


----------



## Frosticle

Last night I visited a good friend to help her son do some crafts, so she put a plastic table cloth on the table.....only a baby shower one left over from our friends baby shower which I might add I had to endure the same day I'd been for my day 1 assessment and had to call the clinic from the baby shower to get the go ahead to start injections last year.  She knows that we have just done a cycle so knows we have just had results, she doesn't know the outcome yet. Talk about not thinking!!!


----------



## sophiekh

I guess so. When there's no hello or how you...just random pics lol

Someone at work asked me how pregnancy was going....what pregnancy...lol then he said I have good feeling you might be...a bit hard with no man and non functioning bits.
I laughed it off as eating to much lunch


----------



## magicpillow

Well ladies, I have a hell of a clanger from last night.  I need to just set the scene to put it in context so bear with!

OH and I have been ttc for 3.5 years, male factor infertility and recently had our first round of icsi which ended in miscarriage.  I had an erpc on 5th Feb and have been struggling quite a bit emotionally since.  I went out for a meal last night with a group of friends I hadn't seen in a while who all know about the situation.  I thought I'd brave it but was nervous as two of them are heavily pregnant, one has just had a baby and another has twin girls.  Luckily there was one who didn't have children!

Anyway, luckily the order we arrived in meant I was sitting next to the one without kids and the one with twin girls (who are 6) so I didn't have to listen to any pregnancy chat etc and the others could speak more freely without fear of upsetting me.  The one who has twins did have a miscarriage before she conceived them so although she hasn't actually had problems conceiving, she totally understood the emotions you go through and was very sympathetic.  She said she couldn't imagine what it must be like on top of all the things we've gone through. 

Just before we were leaving, one of the heavily pregnant ones (who got pg in the first month of trying at 39) asked how I'd been and if I'd done another round of ivf yet.  I said def not yet as am still getting over things emotionally.  She then said that she felt that until you can actually feel the baby kicking, the pregnancy isn't much of a big deal so she thought that really, up until 20 weeks, if anything happened it was no big deal and she would have just thought 'oh well'.  I was shell shocked at that comment and the girl next to me who did have a mc once stepped in and said that actually, the emotions and feelings are so intense that she was a basket case for about 3 weeks. 

What the actual F!!!  I am astounded at the insentivity and lack of empathy!  She knows it's been 3.5 years, numerous tests and bad news and then ivf before the mc.  I don't have the luxury of trying again naturally either!  Thank goodness for my other friend but I'm still reeling from what was said.  Easy for her to say, sitting there 8 months pregnant having conceived in the first month!!!


----------



## magicpillow

This is also the 'friend' who said before she started ttc that they'd decided that if it happened then great but if not, they'd just enjoy their lives and wouldn't have ivf.  Soooo easy to say that before you've experienced the pain of having problems.  She's a very hard, cold person and doesn't have much empathy at all.  She also said to me once at least there were options and I could think about donor sperm or adoption.  Thanks!


----------



## swanlake

Magic pillow

That's horrific 
Poor you - what a horrible, horrible situation and thank goodness for your other friend.

Like lots of us here having suffered mmc- they are still our babies whether it was 1 week or several, 

I am actually quite in shock this was said to you, I hope you are feeling ok, 

Xxx


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks Swanlake.  I was just so so shocked that she said it!  She really does not get it at all!  Even if she thought that, she shouldn't say it.  If only she knew the pain of long term ttc.  At least the girl who doesn't have children (and doesn't want them) was sympathetic, even if she can't actually empathise.  It was a good evening apart from that comment at the end and I went home wondering if I'd actually heard her correctly!!


----------



## prettysmiles2015

Magicpillow, well done for getting through it. Some people just don't get it, at all. I have a friend who was my bridesmaid so is meant to be one of my best friends, who's repeatedly said to me why don't you just adopt? I've tried to explain to her that I feel I need to exhaust the biological child route before I consider an alternative. Then when I was pregnant last time, she said I was 'one of those pregnant women' when I said I wasn't going to get my roots done until I'd past 12 weeks. 

My advice, distance yourself. You are the most important person in this, and your mental wellbeing is key to success. Don't worry about others, if they're true friends they'll be there for you either during, or after it all. 

Lots of love x


----------



## Uber Barrens Club

To the 'why don't you just adopt' crowd I want to say, 'why did you have your own biological kids, why didn't you 'just' adopt?' Why is it OK for you to want your own biological family and not for me'

Oh and are you prepared for one of you to give up your jobs so that you can care full time for a child with severe behavioural problems?

And did you know that most parents wouldn't get approved to adopt their own kids?

These people are ignorant and shouldn't speak about things they know jack sh*t about. Boils my p*ss!!


----------



## magicpillow

Well said Bananafish.  Spot on.

Thank you Prettysmiles xx


----------



## Arrows

Well said Bananafish, -I have two kids - one adopted and one bio so can agree from from an experienced point of view. There is no 'just' about adopting or about having a biological child when you have IF.


----------



## Lolem

Oh wow, magicpillow! I can't believe someone actually said that to you face! And she is supposed to be your friend! I had a mmc at end of Jan and if someone said that to me now I think I would either punch them or dissolve into a heap on the floor. Well done for getting through it. I'm so absolutely stunned. If one of my friends said that to me they would no longer be my friend.


----------



## Lolem

Had to post again I'm so angry for you.
Both my mmc were not just 'oh well' moments. They were my babies. They had names (albeit silly nicknames) and I saw their heartbeats. I love them with every ounce of me. How can someone who is pregnant themself not understand that?!


----------



## Uber Barrens Club

Oh god Lolem, it's horrendous

I think maybe some of it is that with IVF and infertility, because we are so aware of everything that can do wrong (and because clinics have to scan early to diagnose a clinical pregnancy for the HFEA), we get scanned more and earlier, so we have really connected with our babies

We talked to our embryo from day 1 (well day 5!) cos we knew it was in there. We had a photo of it before it was transferred. We had seen and heard a hb at 7+1.  We had a video that I have on my phone from a reassurance scan at 8+5. I can play that video and listen to the heartbeat. I can see a little baby-shaped jellybean wriggling, that had lost its tail and had some limb stumps, and no longer looked like a prawn.

That was my baby.

If I were being charitable to those who had experienced very early losses who hadn't experienced infertility, perhaps it would be easier to rationalise the loss as 'not a baby'.  That's at a stretch.

But for someone who isn't even pregnant to just dismiss it, FFS?

I'd want to show them the video of the little wriggling baby with a beautiful pulsing heartbeat, and ask them how they would feel if they then saw the same baby on a monitor a week later deathly still, and could see the heartbeat was gone.

Would they think 'oh well'?

I think not.


----------



## chichi85

Magic pillow  - what a cow !! I'm angry for you . What a horrible thing to say . People have NO frigging idea . 

I can't face these idiots atm, I've unfortanely  had my fair share of comments the last few months . Makes my blood boil. 

X


----------



## magicpillow

Thanks for the reassurance ladies and anger on my behalf!  It was unbelievable really.  She said it so quickly I'm not sure the others really absorbed what she said but I certainly did.  Thank goodness for my friend jumping in and explaining the intensity of feeling. 
I had a bad day today and missed my baby so much.  Pre mc, I had sympathy for people and tried to empathise as much as possible but until actually experiencing it, I had no idea how painful it actually is.  We never saw a heartbeat but I saw the little bean on the screen 3 times at scans and felt the joy knowing it was inside of me.  I miss it so much.  Luckily most days are not like this now and I'm feeling much better (if not exhausted!) but when I do have a bad day, the intensity of feeling takes my breath away.  Some people will never understand.


----------



## clahay

Once again I have been told I wouldn't understand something because I am not a mother.

Hopefully, if/when it happens, I will really enjoy all these extra brain cells I am going to gain so that I can finally understand love and nurturing  .


----------



## Flora76

Hi ladies, I stumbled across this thread and thought I would post what happened to me last summer. 

ICSI #3, all friends and family knew it was happening and kept updated throughout the process. Had a rough time as only 1 out of our 10 suitable eggs fertilised, but we made it and had a 2 day transfer. Was into the painful 2ww and got a text from my friend asking if i fancied a coffee at her house (about 45 mins drive from me) so she has been asking all about how I'm feeling and telling her I am so nervous for the test day, chatting for a good 2 hours, then when I am leaving she tells me I have some news, I had my 12 week scan this morning...Could have knocked me down with a feather, held it together for 10 mins then leave and cry in my car for the next hour or so. Telling me she had been googling how to tell me was a kick in the teeth and they didn't do it to me on purpose!!! 

I barely speak to her at all now, felt she was very insensitive and could have just text me rather than dragging me through the whole ordeal when I am nervously waiting to find out. and to top it off, the test result was negative. We haven't spoken much since then, not directly anyway but we are in a group of friends together. And the rest of my friends don't seem to think there is anything wrong with how she chose to tell me-needless to say none of them have infertility issues and have no idea what I am going through. Sorry for the long moan about it.  

If that happened to me Magicpillow I would have probably burst into tears think goodness your friend interrupted her, having just had a miscarriage at Christmas (same stage as you didn't see a heartbeat but saw the little sack on the screen) I am still very emotional from it, not even sure I would of managed to go to the meal in the first place.


----------



## magicpillow

clahay said:


> Once again I have been told I wouldn't understand something because I am not a mother.
> 
> Hopefully, if/when it happens, I will really enjoy all these extra brain cells I am going to gain so that I can finally understand love and nurturing .


Clahay that is so awful! Talk about rub it in! Some people are so insensitive. 
Your story was awful too Flora - I cannot believe the insensitivity of some people! Even before I was even thinking about children, I knew of a couple of people going through infertility and although I didn't have full empathy back then, I would never have said or done anything like that!


----------



## Arrows

Flora, I can see that your friend was trying to do the right thing but having researched, surely she would have discovered that the best way to tell someone struggling is either by text/ over the phone, in advance of a large group gathering announcement, then giving you space to deal with it?! when I reached the point of a breakdown because of the number of announcements etc I sent a text to all my female friends who were in a position to have kids saying that if they had a baby I'd be over the moon for them but also incredibly upset that it wasn't me. Assuming them that anything said would be kept completely confidential, I asked them to please talk to me before any big announcement so I had a chance to be sad for myself in private and be happy for them when I saw them/ the announcement was made public. A number of people did go on to announce in the following year and 3 of 4 did as I'd asked and it made an enormous difference.


----------



## Angedelight

I'm just home from a smear test. I said I'd had recent unsuccessful fertility treatment and the nurse said her daughter was trying for 5 years, had a smear test and wham gut pregnant. Her words:  'It must have opened her up'. 
So there you go ladies, get yourself a smear and you'll get pregnant. And that's from a medical professional!! 😂😂😂😂

X


----------



## sophiekh

Ms C that is hilarious..That's the cure ..a smear test lol


----------



## Arrows

Someone told me I just needed a big orgasm and that would fix everything! Seriously?!


----------



## magicpillow

Omg Arrow!!!


----------



## crystaldaisy

Arrows said:


> Someone told me I just needed a big orgasm and that would fix everything! Seriously?!


Oh for fs sake. How did you not punch them?


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Arrows said:


> Someone told me I just needed a big orgasm and that would fix everything! Seriously?!


Sounds like they were offering, Arrows!


----------



## Uber Barrens Club

PMSL, at a smear test!  

Oh and the orgasm theory, I remember some crap about the 'upsuck' theory, that the evolutionary benefit for women having orgasms (the evolutionary benefit of the male orgasm being somewhat more obvious!) was to do with contractions of the vagina causing the cervix to dip down and 'suck up' more semen

I can't remember if it's one of those 'weird but true' facts, or one of those 'someone made it up and now it's become something people trot out as fact' facts...


----------



## Arrows

It came along with the 'just stop worrying about it', 'be more spontaneous', 'go on holiday and it'll happen' and the post-miscarriage 'well at least you know you can get pregnant', so in all honesty I thought it was pretty mild compared!

In the end, other than knowing that we only had sex once in the appropriate time, the event that eventually did lead to my surprise baby was completely unmemorable so I reckon they might be wrong on that one!


----------



## mmj

Hi Ladies
I love this thread, found it unbelievable how insensitive people can be sometimes. 
I have a few good ones as well, from my own mother  
She doesn't know about IVF but does know we've been struggling and after my CP (following FET) I told her that I had a very early miscarriage. Her reaction was:at least you can get pregnant after all (hmmm... If only she knew the truth), then:but you're not using contraception, are you?   no mum, we're not....
Then, a few weeks later she told me about someone she used to work with who was trying for years and finally a doctor advised her to lay with her legs in the air after sex and she got pregnant first time!  
Oh, and I also heard that she knows someone who couldn't have children, went to adopt, DD had behavioural issues and she fell pregnant naturally (mother not DD   ) about seven years later so maybe I should just stop thinking about it? 
What planet is she on?


----------



## Uber Barrens Club

Oh if only we'd known about stopping contraception!!!

/smacks head

Wouldn't have needed all that silly IVF if I'd only thought of that!

The legs in the air one is funny though. I asked my Dr if it made any difference, and he said not at all, the swimmers that are gonna make it through do so within seconds, and any, er, backflow is just fluids and not swimmers

Didn't stop DH insisting on swinging me round by the ankles to lie with my legs up the wall and a pillow under my bum, even though he knew it didn't make any different...'In my head it does - gravity!!!'


----------



## Kieke

Not seen this thread before but it's keeping me entertained at work!

After our BFP I went to see our GP to see if he would prescribe me my meds (pessaries, blood thinners). This was after our private clinic discharged me. He refused, said paying for the meds would be a good learning curve because having a child was going to be expensive... he also said I shouldn't get too excited yet and that at lot could go wrong but at least we now knew I could get pregnant... he told my DH on a separate occasion not to get too attached to the idea until we had reached t25 weeks in pregnancy. Charming.


----------



## Arrows

Kieke, I'd have complained to the practice manager -disgusting comments!


----------



## Kieke

Arrows, I wanted to but he's mainly my DH's GP and has been for a very long time. My DH has a lot of long standing health issues and needs this GP on his side...
I was fuming at the time, now at 25 weeks I'm no longer bothered but won't be seeing him again!


----------



## Lolem

My best friend, who knows my situation in great detail, recently borrowed some clothes from me. She returned them today in a rather large carrier bag from, yes, you guessed it, Mothercare! She didnt mean any harm, she can be a bit ditsy and clearly just didn't think it through. I just laughed to myself (she would be mortified if I pointed it out!). Even if I hadn't been in this situation I wouldn't have wanted to walk around with a Mothercare bag in case anyone got the wrong idea. Needless to say I transferred the items to a different bag for the walk home!


----------



## nevertoolate

A fertility nurse told me she had her son at 45 naturally due to the fact that she was looking after herself and someone up above was looking after her. I guess they were not looking after me then!! Really needed to hear that...


----------



## magicpillow

Can't believe that Lolem!
DreamingofBFP - I can't believe she said that!  Unbelievable!

I've got one from a friend who has been ttc for 4.5 years, 3 miscarriages and is now contemplating ivf.  She's away on a school residential this week (she's a teacher) and had been saying to colleagues that she's looking forward to getting home on Friday night and being able to eat without being interrupted.  They all said that unfortunately they don't have that luxury as they all have kids.  They know her situation so that was a tad insensitive!  She felt like saying 'well it's good to know there are some advantages to being infertile'!!


----------



## Arrows

DreamingofBFP, totally insensitive and inappropriate to say. What is it about older people that makes them think they can say what they like and get away with it, no matter how rude?!

Magicpillow, I can see where your friend is coming from but looking from the other side, I currently get less than 4hrs of broken sleep a night and being exhausted any comment re being tired or getting a good night's sleep and I'd be equally p*ssed off.  
I am not in any way trying to belittle how awful and all consuming IF is but it is also a reality that being a parent can also be a real challenge (one I know all of you would equally be up for). I felt a lot of guilt when I got pregnant and when I became a parent because I felt like I'd wanted it for so long and then I was complaining but I discovered that both situations had equally rubbish aspects.


----------



## justone

It's not just us girls who have to deal with clangers. DH came home from work today and told me his workmates were grumbling about how expensive it was having kids and that "they (kids) get more expensive as they get older... As DH is a newbie in his current work and is also relatively shy, his workmates know very little about him. One of them noticed he wasn't contributing to the discussion and asked "So how old are your kids then?" DH replied that he didn't have any, to which he received the reply "Jeez mate! You haven't a clue how lucky you are!" DH said he felt floored and pretended to not have heard this so that he didn't have to reply. Poor man!


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## nevertoolate

When that nurse said that, I figured that if she is surrounded every single day with people facing the issues we have had and all that knowledge about fertility issues to hand, why the hell would you wait until then to try.... I think she may have had a little assistance herself but just would not admit it.. nice lady...not....


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## Arrows

Justone, poor guy.


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## sophiekh

Justone -   
I really hate it when people say things like that. Ive had family and friends complain about having kids - its does hurt - but then again I will never understand how parenthood is


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## scribbles

I'm almost ready for ET tomorrow so it could just be me being overly sensitive, but...

I held a coffee morning at my house and invited some of the new wives from our street so they could meet the other wives. We live on an RAF camp so there's always families coming and going and I know what it's like to feel isolated when you don't know anybody. So trying to be nice, I invited the wives and their kids. 
Having a chat about kids and one woman pipes up saying "I don't understand people who only have one child, it's so cruel" and the other wives agree (they all had at least two) saying how dreadful it would be to have an only child and how terrible the childhood that child would have. The woman who said this has twins from IVF!!!!!
I adore my DD and would love to give her a sibling but very realistic that she could be my only child and I thank God on my knees for her. If this cycle doesn't work, I won't be going through IVF again purely because I just don't want to go through the heartbreak, anxiety, drugs and uncertainty again. I've had enough and if that means my DD is an only child then so be it. It doesn't make me cruel or selfish, I'm damn lucky to have her. 
Grrrrr, stupid people!


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## clahay

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!! I am an only child because I am the only one of my mum's 6 pregnancies to make it. What a stupid thing to say. I was more loved than I could possibly be and quite frankly I loved being an only child. It's only now, when faced with my mum's illness, that I do wish I had someone else there but my husband is filling that role. Stupid eejits!!!!



scribbles said:


> I'm almost ready for ET tomorrow so it could just be me being overly sensitive, but...
> 
> I held a coffee morning at my house and invited some of the new wives from our street so they could meet the other wives. We live on an RAF camp so there's always families coming and going and I know what it's like to feel isolated when you don't know anybody. So trying to be nice, I invited the wives and their kids.
> Having a chat about kids and one woman pipes up saying "I don't understand people who only have one child, it's so cruel" and the other wives agree (they all had at least two) saying how dreadful it would be to have an only child and how terrible the childhood that child would have. The woman who said this has twins from IVF!!!!!
> I adore my DD and would love to give her a sibling but very realistic that she could be my only child and I thank God on my knees for her. If this cycle doesn't work, I won't be going through IVF again purely because I just don't want to go through the heartbreak, anxiety, drugs and uncertainty again. I've had enough and if that means my DD is an only child then so be it. It doesn't make me cruel or selfish, I'm damn lucky to have her.
> Grrrrr, stupid people!


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## scribbles

I have a brother but we are five years apart and have always led very separate lives to the point that we might as well have been only children. We don't speak, only because we have nothing in common. When my Dad died, he retreated back to his home and I had to deal with it on my own when I could have really done with his support if we had a better relationship. My daughter will do just fine if she's an only child, my mental and physical health is more important than giving her a sibling. 

I'm glad you have your husband with you to support you through your mums illness.


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## mogg77

I know lots of amazing, and very happy, only children. My son will be one. Some people are only happy criticising others.

My sister suffered a clanger this week, despite not suffering so far as she is aware from infertility. She has just ended a longterm, emotionally abusive relationship, at age thirty- i know this is a sensitive age for a lot of women in terms of worrying about the clock ticking and starting a family. While cooing over my baby, my mum looked over sympathetically and asked wouldn't she love one too?! What my mum doesn't realise is she also suffered a mc last year. My mum is a truly lovely lady but i can't imagine why you'd say that to someone who's newly single!


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## magicpillow

Oh dear Mogg!
Scribbles I can't believe those comments about having an only child! Having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean good times. My brother has a learning disability and can be very difficult to deal with. There have been some very tough times and I worry about the future when I have to 'take over' from my parents and essentially be his carer. I know a few people who have very difficult siblings and their lives are tough because of it. I feel like an only child much of the time as I don't really have much of a relationship with my brother and it makes me sad.


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## scribbles

Crikey Mogg, that's the last thing she wanted to hear!!! My best friend has recently broken up with her partner of seven years aged 30 and she is very conscious of how her future could be. Your poor sister, especially after coming out of an abusive relationship, her confidence must be at rock bottom.


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## Lomosso

Scribbles / Mogg - I split from an unhappy marriage at 34 and worried about not having children. At 37 I met the love of my life and had DD at 41 via donor egg. Please tell your friend and sister that it takes huge courage to get out of an abusive relationship and to congratulate herself (my sister took me to buy red shoes and have a totally new hair style) it took a while to get my confidence back but with family and friends by my side I am very happy..... Xxxx


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## scribbles

Lomosso - what an incredible story. Well done for having the courage to leave and congratulations on your beautiful DD. I love the bit where you said your sister took you to get new red shoes and a new hair style!!


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## Fertilityhawk

Hello ladies

I've just stumbed across this thread and have been both amused and shocked by your clangers.  It never fails to amaze me how insensitive people can be.

We're having a lot of work done to our house at the moment, we bought an old 4 bedroom house 4 years ago that needed to be generally updated (this was when we were doing everything to prepare for the big family we were going to have lol!  Thought we'd be nice and organised  ) .  Throughout the past couple of years we've had various builders and tradesmen through the door.  Without fail each and every one of them have said something on the lines of "this is a big house for just two of you, you need to start filling it up with some kids"

The worst clanger came from my cousin/work colleague (a man).  Back in April we were discussing the clocks going forward, I said how much I was looking forward to lighter nights etc.  Without missing a beat he hissed "you don't have any kids steph" - Unfortunately I snapped straight back saying that I'm painfully aware of that, but thanks for the reminder!  He was trying to get his point across that the clocks mess up kids routines etc. 

He did apologise later, he knows all about our struggles, so at the time really annoyed me to the point where I could have quite easily have battered him around the head with my ruler  

xxx


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## sandyman

Hiya
I have been reading these for ages, i really enjoy reading them, as they are so awful, but i like to find the funny side to them, it puts a nice edge on infertility - as only we are special enough to truly understand them 
Last Sunday, my husband and i, along with another couple, went to a farm open day... Both of us happen to suffer from infertility.... At the farm, there were lots of families around, as would be expected... In a certain section, they were giving out little quizzes to do, in order to win a prize, both of us couples, were given a quiz... So, being us, we did a couple on couple competition, see who could get the most right. Once we were done, we went to hand them in, my friend went first... 'you have no children with you? *giggle* my friend smiled politely as she handed in her quiz, ' well I guess you wont want the crayons... Would you like a notepad or stress pig".... My turn to hand in my quiz.... " are you an adult" she said with a smurk...."yes' I replied. "with no children with you?!" ' nope, not today...' I replied, with a polite smile... "oh, so you did this on your own".... I tool my squeezey and stressy pig and left. I do understand the comical side of two young couples being at a mainly family orientated event, however, I wish that people would understand, that not everyone choses to not have family, and that it is actually quite brave of infertile couples to go in places surrounded my families. 

Lets just say ( and I am not comparing in any way cancer to infertility, they are two separate conditions) a lady, clearly balding from what would apear to be cancer treatment, went to some hair salon show.... No one would dare say to her " oh, you are here, with no hair? At a hair show?" 

Things don't really upset or offend me, I am pretty tough skinned, but knowing that it upsets my friend and possible another woman, I just wish people were a little more knowledgeable, and think before they speak.


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## Handstitchedmum

I think that is a perfect post to end this thread on.  
Amazingly, we are nearing 100 pages.

You can find the new thread here. Enjoy the fresh new home of Clangers Part II!


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