# No idea how I am going to cope.



## ulman (Apr 9, 2011)

Found out last year that the second NHS IVF had failed. 
Relationship of 13 years ended a few months later, although we are still friends, it was my decision and my ex really wants us to get back together.
These past few weeks of being single and having time to think about my future have left me depressed and not knowing where to turn.
I don't have a career, I only do my job because I need the money.
I had my fist counselling session, specifically for the infertility issues yesterday, it really did not even touch the sides. I have underlying depression and anxiety anyway, before dealing with the future without my own children.
I don't know where to go with this and don't know what to do with the distress it is causing.
I'm already on anti-depressants.
I have thought about adoption and fostering, but it is just not the same.
I was wondering if anyone can throw me a few suggestions as to how to start moving on in life.


Thanks.


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## crystalhearts (Oct 28, 2010)

Hello.  You can view my ttc history in my signature below.  This is the first time I'm posting on this board.  Even though my circumstances aren't the same as yours I too feel like I'm not going to cope with the rest of my life.  I'm a teacher of pupils aged 3-5 and am seriously wondering if I'll ever be able to go back to work.  I've no idea what I'm going to do.  

The only advice I can give you is don't give up on the counselling.  I've had several sessions and even if it feels like it's not helping at the time, I'm sure it does in the long run.  One thing I've learned is that we have to keep talikng about our feelings no matter how painful it can be.  I think it's a positive for you that you're engaging with people on this forum - people in 'real life' usually have no clue.  I'm also considering asking my clinic if I can be put in touch with someone who's had a similar experience to me.  I need to make new friends after being dropped by so many over the years, either for for not fitting in with their lifestyles, i.e. not having kids like them or being a miserable boring old bag who is no fun any more and has said no to invitations in the past due to treatment so isn't even asked any more.  

I really hope things pick up for you but I think we have to acknowledge that there's no quick fix and we're here for the long haul.  Keep talking - your counsellor can help with your underlying issues of depression and anxiety too.  I'm sure I'll see you on this board again if you keep posting as well. x


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi both of you   

Its tough and there is just no shortcut and sadly you just have to ride out the many storms. The first thing I´ll say though is it does get easier with time ......... a long time    You´ll take 2 steps forward and a 100 steps back for a long time but eventually that stabbing pain in your heart is replaced by a much more bearable dull ache.

Definitely don´t give up on your counselling ulman. I too suffer from depression and anxiety that predates my IF and I have counselling every week and have done for as long as I can remember. Maybe a fertility counsellor isn´t what you need? I actually rarely talk about being childless in my sessions any longer, although we do talk a lot about feeling a failure and feeling worthless which was exasperated by IF for sure. And I completely understand the feeling of counselling not touching the sides. Sometimes I have so completely overwhelmed by everything that I go to my session and just don´t know where to start and that makes me feel even more at a loss because I can´t picture it ever getting better. Maybe you need to go back to your Dr and discuss your dose of antiDs? I have been on them for ages and I was coping, then things happened that meant I could nolonger cope and my dose was upped ........ actually one of the things that happened was coming to the end of tx. Is relationship counselling an option or are you sure its all over from your part?

I can´t give any tips on how to start moving on. I´m not sure you can when you are stuck in the midst of you grief. I think that probably needs processing with the help of your counsellor before you can find a way forwards.

Both of you will cope with the rest of your lives though. You have to because there is no alternative. You have to keep fighting and keep talking to the people that make you feel secure with your feelings - your counsellor, or ladies on here who know just how you feel. tlc is important too - you feel the way you feel and that is perfectly OK and you are really not alone in how you feel.   
Katxxx


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## ulman (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi both of you.

Thanks so much for the support and for taking the time to reply!
My ex is very supportive, very. I think that even before the failed treatments we were just about hanging in there as a couple, things got stale etc etc.
I don't want to go back to that, lack of confidence and living in a small city is making moving on and finding someone else quite a struggle though too!
My confidence is low, I'm taking Prozac but the effects on my stomach/acid reflux is awful.. I just started taking them again after a few months off (straight after my break up) but am on 20mg.. I don't like being on them so i don't really want to up the dosage, I too have been on anti-d's for years and years and possibly always will be, due to issues arising from my up bringing.
My ex is still keen to try ED abroad, but i fear that it will just be a waste of money.
I'm a very private person and so not many people know about my failed IVF, none of my colleagues know, one of them is pregnant. I think I secretly hate her for this. 
I have been in psychotherapy for a few years now, I don't want to talk about my infertility in there as i dn't feel the information will be kept safe, I don't trust the group, they know this, i mentioned it yesterday.
It seems there is not a lot that can be offered to us to help us through this, I feel really let down by this.. 
Maybe keeping in touch with like minded women on here WILL help me, there's only two of my female friends who know about my issues and only one of them i talk to about them, others I don't tell as I feel they may not be trustworthy with such info OR that they don't care enough (there's that low-self esteem!)
I will ask for 1:1 therapy with my therapist, i think that it's limited and even think that I will feel uncomfortable in the session.. not sure.

It's going to be really tough..

xxx


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## muusa (Mar 28, 2012)

I would also recommend reading a couple of self-help books on your own, since you can do it in your own time and at your own pace. I was in a very dark place myself a couple of years ago and these books helped me:
Beyond Childlessness by Rachel Black - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Childlessness-Every-Woman-Wanted/dp/1405077611/ref=pd_sim_b_1
Never to be a Mother by Linda Hunt Anton - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0062500791/ref=oh_details_o06_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Sweet Grapes by Jean W. Carter - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sweet-Grapes-Infertile-Living-ebook/dp/B002CGRAEY/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

Even if it seems silly or depressing in the beginning, try to read on, since the results take time. If you are anything like me, the first couple of times you cannot even imagine that you could have a happy life without children but after reading a few times and imagining the life without children it might change and you could start to see a way out. You have nothing to lose in any case, no? Good luck and take care!


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## crystalhearts (Oct 28, 2010)

it sounds like you're starting to get a plan together ulman.  The 1-1 sounds like a good idea.  

At work I've had to accept 2 collegues going through their pregnancies and two others becoming grandmas.  One of my closest collegues has been married a couple of years now so I'm sure she'll be next.  I also see pregnant mums and mums pushing prams everyday at the classroom door.  one mum has just had another child despite her two sons both suffering behaviour problems due to lack of attention from their parents.  My sister also gave birth last summer.  all these situations add to the stress and feelings of unjustness.  It really is not fair at all.  I suffer feelings of despair, worthlessness, inadequacy and failure.  Guilt,  anger, hatred, the list goes on.

I've also been fairly private about my IVF and the people I have told I've regretted it.  I'm thinking now though I might just tell the world - that way I might find out who my true friends are.  I don't know if I'll be able to stand the reactions though - either not sympathetic enough or feeling sorry and pitying me.  You just can't win.

No one understands this unless they've been there which is why this place is invaluable.  

Keep posting. xx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Blimey Ulman, group therapy   That would be like hitting my panic button so ultimate respect from me there. Do all antiDs cause reflux? I know its a side effect of my escitalopram too although I´m lucky enough to avoid it.


I´ve heard a few people recommend the  ´Sweet grapes´ book that muusa mentioned. She is right, it has to be worth a try. As does investigating proper 1 to 1 counselling. Can you get GP referrals in the UK? I´m also very shy and I hadn´t shared my journey with anyone and its a heavy weight to carry alone. Since stopping tx I´ve been a little more able to share my story, it gets easier to talk about once you´ve had some practice. It took me a long time to talk to my counsellor about it too but once you´ve aired it it does become a huge relief to talk to somebody who isn´t allowed to judge you. Now its over, I have shared my journey with my closest friends and none of them have let me down and just accept it as part of my baggage and makes me who I am. A couple of colleagues also know and to be honest I feel very vulnerable because of it so be careful shouting from the rooftops crystal   


And I guess you have to keep reminding yourself that these feelings aren´t going to last forever. It really does get better. I spent a couple of months a the beginning of 2012 in the psych unit and life couldn´t have got much worse. I made friends with someone who is now my closest friend. We were obviously in very bad places with no way out but after 12 months back in the real world my friend found a new job and then just after she started it her dad died and I was so scared for her and so worried that it was just too much and how would she cope. I´m so proud of her though, of course she did cope and she is back at work again and she is doing fab. If anyone had said 12 months ago that either of us would have been where we are now then I´d never have believed them. We are stronger than we often think but support from friends (including those in the ether on here) and family always helps.


 Katxxx


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