# Single, over 40 and trying to decide whether to go it alone



## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi all

I've clicked New Topic but am sure this has come up before on the boards.

I'm just at the beginning of my fertility treatment journey, having just had an initial consultation at the Lister clinic with my results - very low AMH, borderline FSH and over 40. I'd gone there to ask about egg freezing (having talked to a friend who'd gone through the process, but I'd been unaware just how fertility level declined sharply after 37/38, so some of my findings over the last few weeks have come as a shock. To add to that, at the consultation, the doctor explained that my chances with egg freezing were very low (I'd literally have to go through 9/10 cycles to produce anywhere near the amount of eggs they would want to extract normally), especially given my age (though she kept that option open for me if I wanted) and said that the best options were to get pregnant now with a sperm donor.

I'm not in a relationship and have been really unsuccessful on that front for years, but still harboured hopes of finding someone and in the meantime going down the egg freezing route. Going it alone was off my list as far as I was concerned.

Talking it over with a good friend, she's made me still look at it as an option, and occasionally I get moments where it feels right, and then more hopeless moments, where I'm really terrified for the future. To add to things, I have aging parents, who will be a lot more dependent on me in 5 years time and live 2 hours away and I have virtually no support network locally. My friends are scattered over a large area, with no one close in the same town as me and I work in London. The only redeeming feature is that I'm currently physically fit and my current employer supports flexible working, and quite a few mums have taken advantage of that. However my employer is one and a half hours commute away and I would struggle to get anywhere near what I earn now with the holiday and flexible working arrangements locally ...

Oh, and I'd love to meet Mr Right, and am doing the internet dating and other stuff, but it freaks me out how having a child as the top priority in my life could put an end to that hope.

But beneath it all I still do want children.And, call me selfish, but I don't want to grow old on my own.

Sorry about the long rambly email but I'm just looking to see if there's anyone out there that's in or has been in a similar situation to me and how they've dealt with it. And if there are any books or websites people would recommend to help me weigh things up.

I guess it's all a bit terrifying at the moment, making decisions which will have such a huge impact on the rest of my life

Thanks for reading

ejj


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi Ejj - the best book I found was Mikki Morrisette's one on single motherhood - can't remember what its called but her name is fairly unique!  Its very American so has some bits that are not relevant in UK but lots of it is about weighing up the options & helping you decide.  Hope you find something that helps you decide soon.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Take it from someone who tried and failed with my own eggs, you have a stark choice at your age. If you really, really want a child then start now. You may not succeed anyway with OE or you may have to try numerous times, but starting now gives you the best chance you will ever have.

If you decide that you want to wait for a relationship (and I don't blame you at all), then think about how long it might take to meet someone and how the pressure of time ticking away may affect that relationship. Once you hit 42, fertility drops very dramatically, so that may mean you lose your chance for a genetically connected child (assuming you move to DE and that is not a 100% guarantee of success).

These are very hard choices I know. I got pregnant at 37 and was completely ignorant about fertility and had a termination which I have deeply regretted. I also asked a clinic at age 38 what I should do and they said 'try on your own now if you want a child' and I wish I had taken that advice.

Instead I hoped I'd meet someone but didn't. So, I finally started trying again at age 43 with OE, got pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3 pgs. At 45 I moved to donor eggs and miscarried 3 more pregnancies. I was diagnosed with clotting and autoimmune issues and finally gave birth to twins from donor embryo at age 46.

You may find you would like to talk to other women on this site for information and help. I would also recommend you perhaps connect with the Donor Conception Network who can put you in touch with other single women who have made similar choices.

One thing I would definitely counsel you on if you go ahead is to have as much testing (via the Lister or GP) as possible to eliminate common causes of fertility failure. Check uterus all ok (no fibroids), check you thyroid (TSH) is between 1 and 2, check basic clotting issues, check infection and autoimmune issues and karyotype for genetic issues. The Lister can do all this plus GP.

You have had good advice from the Lister who are probably the top clinic for women over 40. They urge you to move now and I agree. It sounds like your fertility profile is not great and TBH the only way to really see how you respond is to do a cycle now.

I know one would like a perfect world to bring a child in to, but what if you could never have a genetically related child? Perhaps it would help to see a counsellor (the Lister can arrange) or to write down some of your feelings about this - but don't use this as a delaying tactic, time is ticking!

I was temping when I got successfully pg, but had a supportive family and a home. I do struggle sometimes, but I never, ever regret having my children. I do regret waiting so long that I lost the chance of a child with my own eggs.

Here is a list of Amazon titles which deal with single motherhood - library will have some of them too:-

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=single+mothers+by+choice

Best of luck to you,
Daisy
xxxx

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

Some very stark choices - and I would, given half the chance - have the tendency to delay the decision, which, as you say, may make things harder in the long run.

I have a scan and a re-test of my AMH lined up at the Lister. I'll find out about the other tests and see if I can have those done soon. I'm hoping I'm slightly clearer as to what to do when those results come out.

A clear head and a well-thought out decision - so difficult when time isn't on your side.

ejj


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi Ejj

Nice to meet you   .  It is a very difficult decision that you are looking to make but at least you have got the ball rolling.  I have to say I agree with everything that Daisyg has said.  I truly believe that once over the age of 35 the best option is not to go for egg freezing but to crack on and try and get pregnant using your own eggs or donor eggs.  Sadly our fertility starts to drop off over the age of 35 and there is a further dramatic drop once you hit 40.  I would imagine that many clinics would not recommend egg freezing to someone aged 40 or above as there is no gurantee that the eggs would be viable and therefore you could be left with false hope.  Another thing to consider is that it could take a while to get pregnant.  Many ladies started there journey with the belief that their only issue was lack of sperm only to find out that there was a whole host of other issues to overcome before ever achieving a full term pregnancy.

Get the results of your tests and then run through your options.  Try and come along to one of the meet ups and talk to others who have been through this journey already.  You will get plenty of support and advice on here.

I wish you lots of luck with your decision process.

Sima


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## rachpurple (Jun 8, 2011)

Hi Ejj, in similar position myself, I have wanted children since my mid twenties but with someone I love. now single again and childless - i am very up and down about what to do. talking to a counsellor has helped. I worry also about practical issues - friends and family scattered, never meeting someone special , am also 40. book by mikki morrissette adressess these issues. This site is also invaluable. Good luck with your decision making - you are one step ahead of me as not yet been for full profile, but I am feeling more positive that IUI and that going it alone is the right decision for me.x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm currently cycling and due in Cyprus for my 1st IVF on Tuesday, I was in your position a year ago and decided the fact I'm here on this forum and asking this question I've already got my answer  Go for it you will never have peace unless you have at least tried, and if the door shuts on you at least you have no regrets x


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## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi Sima - thanks for the practical advice. I think it's only reading other people's experiences on here that it's really hit home that things are not straightforward once you make the decision. When are the meet-ups? Or are these the mid-week chats mentioned in one of the headings on the Single Women main page?

Thanks Rachpurple - I think where I want to be is completely certain of what I want - I've ordered the Mikki Morrissette book and I've signed up for an hour's counselling at Lister, though I'm not sure how impartial it will be. Did you go to an independent counsellor? I guess I'm keen to thrash through the pros and cons with a counsellor and do it sooner rather than later while more tests are being carried out and while I'm waiting for results so I don't delay things if results are positive.

Thanks Blondie71 - and good luck for tomorrow


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## jenjen1 (Oct 2, 2011)

Ejj,
welcome to FF. I was in your boat a year ago. unwilling to accept what I thought was defeat and finally try to go it alone. I saw the film, bought the books and booked an appointment with a fertility consultant. then the ball started rolling, i found finally choosing the donor the biggest challenge, then did not know enough to know which path to go. I had been pregnant in my early 30's so wasn't sure if I needed real help such as IVF or even IUI. It turns our (see my signature) that IVF was a success. Sadly, I lost my baby last week and am waiting patiently to try again. I never regretted my decision to go it alone. But I bet there are many singles (I know of several) who do & for their own reasons were not ready or brave enough to. I am lucky that I have been told I have young eggs (whatever that means) so hopefully will be able to use my own. I still have 2 frozen embryos on ice.

If you are still uncertain you may wish to go for it & freeze the embryos for when you feel you are ready. The problem with not getting a BFP after an IVF cycle is that you have to wait a few months for your body to recover and get another period. this all takes time, which we have precious little of.

it all depends on what you can live with and without. I know that my life will be empty without a baby, so for me in the end there was little choice to make. 

I heard wonderful things about the Lister. My clinic (crm)was chosen for me by the consultant I went to ( & there I found how vital the embryologists' role is in this whole affair. My consultant, Dr Nikolaou, same are as me but has great faith in his patients & what he is doing; he was the same one who I had gone to the NHS when I went for fertility tests 3 years ago. I felt it was easier that way. he is also a specialist in older women's fertility & obviously succeeded with me. My tragedy last week had nothing to do with him.

Good luck & do join one of the threads relevant to your situation. the women here are lovely and supportive.

jennifer x


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi girls I don't mean this to be a scare post but at 40.5 I got my BFP 70% fertilisation on my 10 eggs which resulted in my DD.  Very very fortunate!

I've just cycled again....AMH dropped only .2 so hanging in at 16.7  10 eggs collected again...0% fertilisation. Nothing!! 
Please do not wait if you are at all considering being a mum...things can change so dramatically when we get to this age. 

xxA


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## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

I'm sorry about last week, jenjen1 - I can't imagine what you must be going through. I did ask Lister about freezing embryos but apparently it would fall outside HFEA guidelines  due to my being without a partner, something about lack of intended purpose or something. I've queries with HFEA but waiting to hear back from them. Frozen embryos might buy me some time (which is what drove me to approach the fertility clinics in the first place) but there are disadvantages with waiting as well, if that route is possible.

Choosing a donor for me would also be another big question. But am trying to tackle one big question at a time.

The other slightly unnerving thing is the price list at Lister - I know these things do not have a price, but the amount of money we're talking about sends me reeling.

I guess all of this is just so new and a little bit of a shock. The surprising thing was today that I visited my local surgery today to arrange some further tests, and the nurse I saw was incredibly encouraging, despite my situation, and despite her own personal challenges raising a disabled child.

I will take your advice to heart, Alexine. I'm hoping by the time I see the doctor at the end of the month I will have enough information for a decision.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Ejj - I'm not sure you will ever be 'completely certain of what you want'  Most couples I know aren't completely certain about having kids either, they just get to the point where they kind of take the leap
It is of course much more daunting to take that leap when you are on your own, but I think if you wait for 100% certainty you may well miss the boat

Counselling is definitely a good idea - not sure where you are but DCN (Donor Conception Network) can usually recommend counsellors in specific areas or try http://www.bica.net/ (British Infertility Counselling Assoc)

If you want to conceive with your own eggs you need to get going asap. I started at 37, had many failed attempts with own eggs and then with DE and finally had my twins (from DE) just after my 41st birthday. When I started out I thought all I needed was some sperm...little did I know. Now I may have been unlucky but fertility really does drop dramatically after 35, and again after 40 so time is of the essence for your own eggs
But you know that already 

wishing you the best of luck, hope you find your way to a decision soon
Suitcase
x

/links


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi Ejj,
I agree with everything everyone else has said.

FYI I had three cycles at the Lister and saw the counsellor there; once before I started my first treatment, once after my miscarriage and once again when I was looking into moving on to Donor Eggs.  She is lovely and I really didn't get the impression that she would be biased about your decision just because she works for the clinic (i.e. pushing you to have treatment).  Yes the Lister IS expensive and there are other cllinics in the country that I think are as good for older women (e.g. Care in Nottingham), but obviously logistics can be challenging.  However, having said that, you could also go abroad if money is an issue, though this opens up a whole new set of logistical challenges.  Even with travel and accommodation, clinics abroad usually work out cheaper.

It is a scary decision, but all I can say is that amongst all the single women I have met who have taken this route, none of them have regretted it.  On the other hand I have met quite a few childless single women who wished they HAD done what I (and others) have done.

Good luck   

By the way, there are face to face meet ups (not sure when the next one is) as well as weekly chats in the FF singles chat room every Thursday evening (7.30pm - 9.30pm ish, depending how knackered we all are!   )
Take care 
GIA Tooxx


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## joanneci (Jul 24, 2010)

Hi there

I found myself single aged 39 (after 2 failed ICSI cycles when I was 37 + 3 .... I decided when I turned 40 to freeze my eggs (at CARE Nottingham) and I never regret doing it - even though I don't know yet if I will use them....  I just needed to do everything I could and I was lucky that I could afford the treatment / had the support from my family to get through it all as it can be (and is) tough on your own....

I just felt that if I hadnt done it, I would have always said what if?  I felt very proud to go through the treatment alone and ended up with 10 very good eggs ... more than I had in both of the cycles previously.  

You really never know what is around the corner and whether you will meet someone...  however I would say don't live with regrets - you will be stronger for it I am sure.

Good luck x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Ejj as GIAToo said we have a singles chat night every thursday at 7.30pm in the chat room here, you can pop in and have a chat with the lovely ladies in there and ask lots of questions    Hope to see you there soon.


bingbong x


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## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Hello - I just wanted to add that you will find the counsellor at the Lister fantastic. As part of my treatment to date I had some sessions. As far as I am aware it is free of charge and, as you sound so unsure, I really think you should make full use of this. Lots and lots of luck xxx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

JenJen1 - I'm so sorry for you how devastating  take good care of yourself x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Ejj yes listen to the good advise about not delaying, at the very least get your AMH tested so you know your egg reserve, then you can do an antral follicle scan and hormone blood tests FSH, Prolactin etc then you have an idea whether your own eggs are even an option.

The freezing issue is part of the reason I chose Cyprus and the fact they put 3 embryo's back as at our age odds of implantation with one is pretty low, also realistically the chances of triplets is very low but I'm ok with 3 if that's what comes as I have a wide support network behind me, I'm aware not everybody has that so you have to make that choice.

As for the donor issue someone advised me not to look at too many, have an idea what you want blonde etc and stick with that I chose a danish non-anonymous donor as I want my child to have the option to meet him and any siblings if they wish, I went through CRYOS denmark website and about 10 donors came up as per my requirements lol and I whittled it down in about an hour to somebody very like my family and I picked him and I'm happy after all he really wont be a feature in my child's life until "possibly" much later on.

Btw I chose non-anonymous because I plan to be open about everything to my child as I dont want that to be a complex later on but everybody will choose their own way to deal with it

xx


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## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

I just wanted to say thanks again for all the advice - I've been a bit quiet the last few days as I'm working my way through the Mikki Morissette book. I've also made contact with one of the counsellors on the BICA site (thanks, Suitcase) and joined DCN. Thanks to this forum I've been put in touch with all these resources within a few days of my consultation, which has been a great help.

I have my AMH re-test and scan on Thursday and have also been for other tests at my local blood clinic, so should have all the results/information I need in a week or so ... 

Thanks again for all the good wishes

ejj


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

That's great you will be so much more informed ie: AMH will tell you time-line till menopause you're dealing with etc then once you have had all your results back and you can take it from there

x


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## emu (Apr 9, 2006)

Is anyone ever 100% sure about going it alone at times I thought I was but with the benefit of hindsight I really cant be cos you dont really know what it entails until the baby is all you do at least for the initial 6 months. For me the decision was could I really live with myself knowing that I did not try to have a baby and I knew that I would always regret this hence the decision. I tried to go it alone and I was persuaded against it and that person did become my husband from being my friend donor. My vision of Mr right was always clouded by my first wish for a baby so I stopped that cos I do not have the time on my side. My take is Mr Right will always meet you at the point you are in your life.

For me it is the best gift that i ever received. I hope you get to make the decision that is right and confortable for you but dont underestimate that it is a lot of work but know they just a smile makes a whole lot of difference to your day.


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## Polar (Feb 26, 2012)

Well hello there, I am single, 40 and have made the decision - I am going it alone. I had my ET on saturday and due to test on March 10th. I am now in the 2ww and amd thinking 'what have i done' but then when I sit down and talk too 'itsy' and 'bitsy' I can't help but smile. Even though I know it will be hard for me, it's a roll of the dice I have taken for the simple reason of not wanting to look back and at least know that I tried. What will be will be, but if you never give it a go will you always regret not trying at least once.

So I'm interested in talking to other singletons...... 

Px


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Polar, and welcome.  Since you're now on your TWW, come and post on the Singlies TWW thread too: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=282126.msg4904839#new

There's plenty of chatter on the singles board, lots of us are over 40 and hopefully you'll get plenty of support on your way to starting your family. Though the TTC threads have been a little quieter over the last few months, this is happily down to the fact that plenty of BFPs and babies have come along of late and many of the bumps and new mums are posting on the singles bumps and babes side of the board.

C'mon Itsy and Bitsy!

A-Mx


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## Polar (Feb 26, 2012)

Thank you. I will go check out the other boards.  Just need something to distract me. What will be will be!


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## Josie43 (Oct 22, 2010)

Hi all
I am glad I found _this _thread
I have already posted on the site (it's hard to find your way around!) but I am currently 5 weeks pregnant  and realising the journey has only just started. Will it be viable, will there be a heartbeat, are they offering me everything because of my age (yes)... etc etc
Doing this alone and aged 45 is quite a tough path but I am determined. 
My story is that I have always wanted children and in particular a family. ie 2 parents. I kept looking and forming relationships and finding people that didnt want children. Thus I have watched my fertility witter away on ... well anyway I left my partner which hurt a lot but started to look for a donor in the same week. I found one immediately. (universe provided?). I tried 3 times using AI (no drugs/no one) and got a BPF on Monday. (universe provided?) Today I had a scan as been in pain and they were looking for an ectopic but they found a sac in my uterus 

But oh I'm scared. I'm feeling very alone (parents/family unsupportive and don't know) and I'm so glad to find this thread/site/support network! 

so what I'm saying is - go it alone you'll be fine! don't wait Ejj - trust yourself. If all goes well I won't regret it but my goodness I should have listened to myself a long time back... xx


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## Ejj (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks - thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of guts to take this route, particularly without the support of close family and negative feedback because of one's age.
I wish you all the best for the coming months

ejj


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