# need your support more than i ever have..............



## dhikki

I wanted to let all of my ff friends no that my darling husband died on thursday.

He had been out all morning, when he came home we were working in the garden working on our garden, putting in fence posts, he said he felt faint, he looked at me and said he felt really dizzy, he fell forward i think he died then. I called 999 and gave hime mouth to mouth cpr untill the ambulance arrived, the crew worked on him for twenty minutes but they couldn't save him, 

He never psoted on here but came on often to read all the support i have got from you all. We never got our dream, and now i don't even have him.....


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## livity k

I'm so so sorry to hear about your DH- there is nothing to say to make something this horrible better, 

Thinking of you- do you have people with you?

Livity K x


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## Libran

Dear Dhikki
I was so shocked to read your post, and devastated beyond words to hear the news.  Life is just too cruel.  As Livity K says, I hope that you have people around you at this time.  We are all hear for you.  I am so sorry and if there is anything that I can do to help you, please PM me.  Much love XX


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## Irish Dee

Dhikkii,

Oh my god.  I've never 'spoken' to you before but as a serial lurker, I've often seen your posts and I know that you have been through the mill.

I'm so, so sorry to hear the tragic news of your husband's unexpected death.  I don't know what to say, but just wanted to give you a huge hug and let you know that there is lots of support and shoulders to lean on.

I hope that you have family and/or friends around you at this terrible time.  

Again, so sorry for your loss.

Dee


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## LizzyM

I am so so so very sorry


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## winniewinnie

I am so so sorry too for your loss. How can life be so unfair

Big hug... take care of yourself during such a difficult time xxxx


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## Nina Jane

Dear Dhikki,
I do not know what to say and cannot begin to imagine the pain and grief.  I pray that you have others that can carry you.  Know that people here really care.

Nina xxx


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## karenann

Dear dhikki

I am so sorry that you have lost your husband - my thoughts and prayers are with you at such an awful time. There don't seem to be any words that can ease your pain at the moment but I am thinking of you and sending you a huge  

Love karenann xx


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## tinkerbelle78

Just wanted to send lots of      after such a tragedy.  I read most boards and came across your awful news. 

xxx


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## Coco Ruby

Dhikki,

We haven't 'spoken' before but I have been reading some of the posts here for a while.  I am so terribly sorry for your sudden and devastating loss.  I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling at the moment. I hope you have some support around you at this terrible time, my thoughts are with you.  Coco xx


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## sabah m

I am so so sorry, life makes no sense....


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## Fraggles

Honey


I am so sorry.


How can we best help you?


F x


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## butterflykisses

i don't know you but i'm so so sorry for your sudden loss and can't imagine how you must be feeling  ,my thoughts are with you sweetie    

                                                   

                                                                lv marie 76xxx


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## florie

Oh Dhikki

I am so so sorry      i can't find the words to express how sad and shocked i was at your news. I really hope you have support around you.

Take really good care of yourself and just take one day at a time   

PM me any time if you just wanna chat

Lots of love
Florie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Guest

So very very sorry     xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## liveinhope

Echoing the sentiments of others that have already posted.  No words can fully express my sadness to hear your news.

Thinking of you at this time and in the future

xx


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## Charlie5

Sweet heart I am so so sorry


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## owenl

Just wanted to add what the others have said - I have no words that can help what you are going through.  I have been a lurker on these boards for a while but haven't posted much but know that you have been through a really hard time.  I can't imagine how you are feeling, take good care of yourself xxxxxxx


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## dhikki

thank you all,

Every breath hurts, i have to concentrate on taking each breath. I cannot eat, i cannot sleep, i just want him to wrap his huge arms around me and hold me tight like he has done so many times over the past 9 years.

We have been through so much in our to short a time together, but he was my rock always there. I wouldn't have got through ivf without him.

But i am alone, he isn't here anymore to make all my pain ease. Oh my god Brian you have taken so much of me with you where ever you are........... such a totally amazing man, best friend, lover, husband, soul mate my Brian ........... I can't be me with out you ......


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## Every cloud....

So sorry to hear about your tragic loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Hoping you have loads of family & friends around you.

This news suddenly puts everything into perspective...I think we can all get caught up in this IF stuff that we sometimes forget to thank our lucky stars for what we do have.

My thoughts are with you.


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## Cazne

dhikki

I am so sorry to hear your tragic news.  I don't know you at all but want to send you all my love.  Cazne xxx


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## Guest

No words seem adequate... I'm so sorry   You're in my thoughts    xxxxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly)

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be totally shocking and totally devastating.

The way it happened too will be very hard to cope with. I hope you can find someone to talk to nearby.

Grief is a process that has to be worked through. Every emotion is possible. Let yourself feel whatever emotion you want to. It helps the healing process. It can take some time.

He would want you to live your life and be happy again. It will happen one day.

At the moment your world must feel like it has collapsed. Take care of yourself.


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## brightspirit

Hi Dhikki sweetie

  What a complete shock losing your beloved like that like all the girls on here sending you my love and thoughts and know you always have a place here to get as much support as you need.Hope you have people around you who can listen and help you through this...

Hugs to you honey and please get some help to deal with this

Bright Spirit


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## Rowan22

Oh God, Donna (it is Donna, isn't it?) I am so, so sorry!
I have just logged on and saw your post. I cannot believe it!
Do you have someone with you, friends, family? Someone you can just reach out to who can hold you for awhile?
I am so very sorry for your loss. As others have put it, words can't express it, really.   

Look after yourself, honey,  

Rowanxxx


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## becky70

So sorry to hear of your loss - my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## coweyes

I am so so sorry to hear your sad news, i only wish i could say something to make it better, but obviously i can not.  I shall be thinking about you. xx


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## Mother Hen

Dhikki


I am a lurker on the Moving on Board and therefore we have never spoken.


Just had to send you my love and thoughts as you are facing this tragedy. You have had so much to deal with already, this is so unfair.


I do hope that there are kind, strong people around you supporting you just now.


Your virtual community here will all be with you as you take each day


Mother Hen
xx


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## Stretch

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, sending you love, strength and hugs


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## ❣Audrey

Thinking of you xxx


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## Debs

Oh sweetheart I wish I could give you a big hug right now instead of this cyber one   

Your pain and sadness must be so difficult for you right now and I hope you have people around you to help you through this sad time.

Please dont be a stranger on here - if we can help you in anyway whatsoever you only need to say.

Sending you lots of love and strength to help you through.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Sparrow17

Although we haven't spoken before, just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am & as everyone else has said, there are no words that can help at this time.  Hopefully it is a small help to know that your FF family are here when/if you need to talk.  I really hope you have a good support of family & friends around you, as you must be going through so many emotions.

Take good care of yourself & thinking of you xx


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## dhikki

Thank you everyone   

Today my darling brian, i had to wait at home waiting for the outcome of the post mortem. It came, your heart was simply worn out. You had a massive heart attack. They think it simply stopped beating and they assure me you wouldn't have been in any pain. They also said that i tried my very best and did everything right giving you mouth to mouth and cpr untill the ambulance arrived twenty mintues after i called them. They also said sweetheart that if you had been in a hospital bed your life wouldn't have been saved. You must have been ready to move to the spirit world and be with out ice babies. You gave so very much of your heart in this world, i think you wore it out to fast and too soon. Everyone that has heard are totally shocked and heartbroken. No-one has the words.... 

Thursday when you left me behind, was so hard. I keep thinking of what we did, and the fun you had. I am glad you chose to be by my side when you left this world. You were in our garden which you loved very much, our 5 fur babies were with us too, your family.....

As you slipped deeper into your forever sleep i pray you heard me telling you i love you. I told you i Love you one hundred times, atleast, as you were slipping away from me. I pray you heard me.......

I want to close my eyes and be with you, i'm praying hard i can join you darling x


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## reb363

Dhikki - my thoughts and prayers are with you.  While part of you is with your DH, part of him is with you - stay strong and if there is anything we can do just say.       .


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## beachgirl

Dhikki    oh hun, just seen your news, I'm so so sorry. If there is anything that I/we can do to help please let us know, I can't begin to imagine how you feel, I hope you have people around you looking after you


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## Charlie5

Dhikki- sweet heart please post on here regulary so we know you are alright ... i have been moved to tears reading your posts you are so very brave and strong.      I am hoping you have family and friends to lean on please feel free take comfort from your FF 

Lot's of love 
Sarah
xxxxxx


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## janeo1

dhikki
I have just read your post and just wanted to say how sorry I am for you sad loss. It must have been such a shock and my heart goes out to you.  I hope you have friends and family who are helping you .  Thinking of you xx


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## dhikki

Thank you all 

my darling Brian, i have spent the day making all of your arrangements for you to leave this world._ sat with the lady and registerd your death. i then went to the funeral directors to arrange your day. You will have your service on monday 23rd august at 4pm, i made it late so all of your friends and family from london and kent have time to travell up. Michael and mark , tony and pete wish to carry you in your coffin i feel you would have liked this. I can come and see you as often as i want to in the chapel of rest. It appears that 200 plus people are coming to say there goodbyes. You were so loved and adored by so many people._

_I want to say sorry sweetheart i know it will make you so sad, but i am trying to sell my wonderful horse Wilson, i know you bought him for me when our ff treatment came to an end, to replace our human family dreams, but you see sweetheart i have to pay for your funeral. You know all our money had gone on ff and we have no savings. I want to do things right by you like you did for so many, so you see i have no choice my darling._

_I'm still breathing babe just for you, but i don't want to be miss you x_


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## beachgirl

Donna, you are one very special person and I know Brian will be so proud of you x


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## Mistletoe (Holly)

I am so sad reading that you might have to sell Wilson. I have a horse myself and I know what a double loss this will be for you.

Is there no way around it?

Life insurance policies, mortgage insurance policies, bank loan, death in service benefits from work
Can any family help with the costs?

It is so sad....


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## Sparrow17

You are such a brave person & your beloved DH must be so proud of you.

I really, really hope you can find some other way to pay for everything though, as selling Wilson will be a very hard thing to deal with & I'm also sure he will help you in the days/weeks/months ahead, esp as he was such a special gift.  I only wish I could help you out & am   that family & friends will help. 

Take great care of yourself xx


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## Libran

Donna, sweetheart, I know you wish to give your darling Brian a wonderful funeral, the funeral he deserves, but you say yourself that he would not wish you to sell Wilson.  Is there really no other way ?  My heart is breaking for you, as I know what a comfort Wilson has been to you. I    you find another solution.  Please keep posting, you are incredibly strong and brave XX


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## Gypsy Moon

Sending you all my love and special       .  I have read your story and I am so sorry for you.  I hope you are able to gather strength and support from your family and friends.   that you find a way to raise the funds without selling Wilson.


Love,


Gypsy Moon
xxxxxx


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## Juicy

Dear Donna

I hope no one minds me posting on this board to offer my deepest condolences.  I could not help but express how deeply sorry I am for your terrible terrible loss.

The depth of your pain is impossible to comprehend.  I can only hope for you in time that you take some comfort from the fact that your beloved husband died in your arms, knowing that he was truly loved    

I know it seems that you have had nothing but unfairness and cruel luck on your journey, especially for it to end like it has, but the beautiful and moving words you have written about your husband show what a devoted wife you are and what joy your husband brought you.  

Many couples could not have survived the tribulations that you have endured - you clearly had a truly wonderful loving and supportive relationship. To have had that pure, deep, magical love is a special gift that many people in this life will actually never have, even if they are blessed in other ways.

I only wish I was in a position to help you with your expenses    I really hope you don't have to sell your horse.  What a beautiful present for Brian to have bought you

I am sure that your family are around you and helping you to get through these dark days   
I will be thinking of you very much and remembering to take nothing for granted because life is so precious and can be cut short for no reason
Claire xx


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## dhikki

My darling Brian,

Please understand why i had to go into work today, i didn't want to but i need the money babe. I have had many phonecalls from your loved ones. I have held it together all day, not wanting to upset others, they don't know what to say to me. I do understand this. The house has been full again this evening, everyone left about half an hour ago. I am sat here now breaking my heart and falling apart...... I miss you so much it is like someone is driving a knife into my heart. I have prayed every single night when i close my eyes that i won't wake up. My nan said to me yesterday it was lucky you weren't driving if we had gone out or something, i so wish you had been babe, then i would be with you now, instead i am sat here alone, my life is falling apart. I want to be with you more than anything in the world. Why did you feel the need to leave me? I cannot breathe sweetheart, this time last week we were snuggled up on our sofa in eachothers arms, oh my god i cannot do this.......


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## Rowan22

HI Donna,

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, honey and what you're going through. I think you are incredibly brave going into work and trying to act normally. I couldn't!
I really hope some solution is found and you don't have to sell Wilson. You're going through so much as it is! 
You must still be in deep shock, I am stunned just reading about what happened! I'm glad you have family around you. No words can help very much but I wanted to say we all care.  

Rowanxxx


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## eggtastic

dhikki  -    I was in tears reading your posts...  I cannot believe the unfairness of it all, you are so strong...


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## dhikki

sadly brian, i woke up again today, wish i hadn't. I have just put hundreds of ad's of wilson on. Phonecalls have already started...... feeling so totally numb today, just nodding when i should. So numb i haven't even cried.........


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## kellixxx

I'm so so sorry to read your awful sad news. No words are enough
Big huge hugs to you. Thinking of you

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## karenann

Dhikki, I am sending you big     - There are no words that I can write here that will take away the pain for you - I wish there were life just seems so cruel - My heart goes out to you and I am thinking of you everyday. I hope that you have people around you at this time - you are so brave and strong. I desperately hope that you can find another way rather than selling your horse. 
I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that we are here for you to try and support you through such a huge loss.
Take care love and wishes Karenann xxx


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## LittleMissM

Donna,

Words cannot express how desperatly sorry I feel for you right now.
I understand that your heart is breaking right now, and that even breathing is hard to do right now. You want to close your eyes and be with Brian and it is so hard not to be.
  
Sweetheart, it sounds so cliched but one day you will look into the sky, or into the garden or at a favourite picture and you will smile. It will remind you of Brian and the wonderful times you had together, and that memory will be precious to you and you will be so glad you had that memory and that time together.
But for now, you have to let yourself grieve for Brian. Cry all the tears you feel you can cry and more, and one day those tears will dry and that smile I mentioned will come. You may not believe me, but take it from someone who knows, it will happen sweetheart!

Sending you lots of    and if you need anything, anything at all, pop on here and we will all try to help.


Sue


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## 0604

Donna
No words     

sarah


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## maybe tomorrow

Oh my goodness, that is so terrible... Im so sorry to hear your devastating news...  
There are no words I can write that will make you feel better hun; Im sending you lots of  
Karen
xx


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## dhikki

somehow, a week has passed. i have managed to keep taking breaths. The phone has rung off the hook, people are saying so many amazing things about you sweetheart, it breaks my heart evrytime they say how happy you were, how much you loved me, how i was your angel sent from heaven, how kind and loving you were, it is so kind but it hurts so so much.....

I keep playing your message on our answer machine the one you had left me wednesday night before you slipped away. I know the message by heart, you say i sweetheart just leaving ted's see you soon love you loads...... everyday the message is slipping away too. It is the bT call minder i have rung them today to see if i can save it forever but i can't....... i have your message for 23 days.......midnight tonight it slips to 22...........

Why did you want to go babe, why couldn't you stay and love me longer. Our five doggies miss you like crazy, Lenny is walking around crying, looking at the door when he hears the smallest noise, they don't understand. But then i still don't understand. 

Your funeral day is getting ever closer, monday 23rd august will totally kill me, i don't know if i can cope, i want to make it perfect for you, so many people coming, so many broken hearts. Your coming home first sweetheart, to have your last look at our little country cottage, i will leave the dog's out so they can bark at you as you arrive hope his makes you smile, i know little dudley will cry out for you, my borthers, your friends will carry you into the crem, your dearest friends will speak for you, i am going to speak for you, i don't how but i want to tell everyone that i loved you with every fibre of my being. I sat for an hour in our garden, sat on the grass in the pouring rain, i sat where you were when you slipped into your forever sleep at the time that you slipped away from me. I lay down on the wet grass and prayed it could be my turn to come and join you, i will wait for the day that my prayers are answered and i can be by your side again for eternity, i just need you to hold me sweetheart, i need to feel your breath, please come home.....


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## lots 1

Dhikki so sorry for your loss I have not posted to you before but felt compelled to.

Could you get hold of a dictaphone press' record' hold phone with Brian's message playing over dictaphone and  that it will pick it up for you.If anyone else has any ideas on how to keep Brians message please post here.[sorry if this sounds clinical did not know how else to word it,was just racking my brains on how to keep hold of Brian's message]

Take care sweetheart. 

Laura.x


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## Charlie5

Sweetheart lot's of hugs thinking of you loads


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## coweyes

or just simply a tape recorder! xx


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## dhikki

Well sweetheart, i found the strength, i don't know how, but i had a lovely young lady come to see and try Wilson today at 5pm. I talked about him like i should, i groomed him and tacked him up. I got on him and rode him round. she got on him, took him out for a ride, came back to him in the school, and then said what i was dredding, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said i love him please can i be his new mum? I totally fell apart, i know you would be so upset about this but sweetheart i have no choice......... I have agreed and have taken a deposit. she will come and collect him on sunday.....

i stayed at the stables and talked to Wilson, trying to explain, of course he doesn't understand, he just cannot understand the noise of me sobbing while he is trying to eat his hay........ 

Friday evenings used to be so special, we so loved and cherished our wekends, now i cherish nothing, why did you have to leave babe, why has this happened......

I need you to hold me, more than anything in the world ............


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## beachgirl

Sending you lots of love and my prayers x


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## MrsNormie

I am so so so sorry for your loss  Your posts have had me welling up because i just want to take some of ur pain away from you and make you feel better  I couldn't even imagine my life without my DH, I think you are a strong, beautiful woman and ur DH would be SO proud of you right now. I know hes looking down on you and will be with you forever.

Gone but not forgotten, R.I.P brian 

xxxxxxxxx


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## Every cloud....

Hi Donna

So sorry to hear about Wilson. I'm lost for words sorry! 

Take care x


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## dhikki

Hi sweetheart, sadly another day closer to your goodbye day, the phonecalls are still flooding in. I have cleaned the house today from top to bottom ready for all our guests. My heart wasn't in it............. i just want you to come home i miss you more with every passing second x


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## Sparrow17

Donna,

So sorry you had to sell Wilson & couldn't find another way.  I'm sure his new Mum will take great care of him.  I'll be thinking about you loads tomorrow sweetheart & hope you have loads of support to get you through what will be an unbelievably hard day.  xx


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## Nina Jane

Thinking of you tommorow, let others carry you.
with many         
Nina


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## Dorris

Donna, I have never spoken to you on here before, in fact Im fairly new to this site. I simply had to write and say how very sorry I am to read your tragic news. There is nothing I can say, life is incredibly unfair. Take each day, hour and minute at a time. 
All the very best for Tuesday.

Georgina x x


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## kellixxx

Thinking of you tomorrow take care

Kelli

Xx


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## Poochie1111

Donna - This is the first time I've been on the 'Moving on' thread and came across your post.  Just wanted to say I'm so, so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine what you must be going through.  Life can be so unfair.  Take one day at a time


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## Montagne

Dear Donna

Phew, I have just logged on to read your terrible news. I have no words to take away your grief, but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you at this time and am so very sorry. Life is so unfair.

You are clearly an incredibly strong lady (whilst it might not feel like it at the moment) and I pray that your strength helps you through the 23rd and beyond.....

S
X


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## Charlie5

Donna- I hope you are ok ive been thinking of you ? xxxxx


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## florie

Just to say i've been thinking of you loads and hope you're ok. So sorry to hear about Wilson       xxxxxxxxx


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## shortie66

Words fail me       my thoughts are with you.


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## billy69

Dear Dhikki,
my thoughts, prayers and sympathy are with you today. 
B


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## kellixxx

Thinking of you xxx


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## shortie66

Dhikki thinking of you darling.


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## M2M

You don't know me but I just happened to come across this thread when browsing the "unread posts" list during my break at work. I couldn't believe what I was reading and just want to send you all of my love. I so wish I could take away your pain. I have been sitting here at my desk crying reading your messages on here. I am so, so sorry... I can't even begin to imagine how devastated and heartbroken you must be.

If you can borrow a dictaphone or a tape recorder then that should do the trick with recording Brian's last message, as the other ladies have said. I really hope you manage to record it.   

I am thinking of you this afternoon as I know it's Brian's funeral today. I'm sending you all the strength I have that you can get through it. I just don't know what to say. I am devastated for you.


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## mumoneday

Donna 

I don't know what to say except that I am thinking of you on this difficult day and sending you         

You sound like an incredibly brave and strong women and I am sure that Brian is looking down on you. 

i am so sorry that you have had to go through this. 
If there is anything that anyone can do PLEASE ASK. 
Love Pip


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## Sparrow17

Thinking of you loads today     

Take great care of yourself xxx


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## *katie*

Hi Donna,

I hope it's ok to write in here but I spotted this thread and couldn't read and run.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your husband.     

I hope that somehow you have got through today hun.

I agree with the other ladies...anything you need, please say on here or pm someone won't you?

Thinking of you.

Katie xx


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## Mother Hen

Hi Donna


I know today will have been one of the most difficult and heartbreaking things you've ever had to do. I and my family are all thinking of you today.


My husband lost his first wife to cancer very young so he has some idea of how you are feeling. We just want to send you our thoughts and prayers at this time.


Take care     


Mother Hen
xx


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## Montagne

Donna
My thoughts are with you on this, which must have been the most difficult of days for you.

Take good, good care of yourself.

S
X


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## dhikki

Thank you all, i haven't been able to get on here for a while, due to my pc breaking down. I have now bought myself a lap top so i am back online. I have hundreds of emails to go through but will come on here to keep writing down my thoughts and what i am trying to do.... like an online diary type thing. Don't know why but somehow it helps a little, love to you all and thank you for your support x x


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## Sparrow17

Good to hear from you Donna as have been wondering how you're doing.  I think using FF as a diary to put all your thoughts down is an excellent idea, as I'm sure it will help instead of having thinks running round in your head.  Take care     xx


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## beachgirl

Thinking of you Donna


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## dhikki

Good morning sweetheart, i couldn't sleep a wink last night. With every heartbeat if feels a little more real. With every passing second it's longer since i saw you, since you wrapped your huge arms around me. I comfort myself each time i close my eyes, by thinking everynight i am a day closer to being with you again. I still cannot believe you don't come home, everytime i hear a car, for a split second i think Brian's home, how silly i know your gone and never will i hear your car again......

I miss you babe, like no-one will ever understand x


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## Flow13

Thinking of you. x


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## sallywags

hun, i've only just seen this thread. I'm devastated for you and i don't know what to say.  I hope you are feeling as ok as you can.


xx


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## dhikki

So sad babe, i wish you would come home......


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## dhikki

I can't be me without you sweetheart x


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## kellixxx

Oh sweetheart I wish I could take your pain your away

Kelli


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## dhikki

I know your here babe, i can sense you, i can feel you when i am quiet. But i want you to hold me like you always do ..........


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## lots 1

So sorry just wish I like so many on this thread could make it all go away.
Laura.x


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## Charlie5

Sweety big big hugs to you


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## dhikki

Brian i am sorry, but i really don't feel i can face this world without you in it. The sun seems less bright, the stars are less amazing, the nights are so much colder, my hopes are gone, i have no dreams. I am empty and so alone.

It feels like my sun has gone out, my world has nothing.....


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## Debs

If I should go tomorrow
It would never be goodbye,
For I have left my heart with you,
So don't you ever cry.

The love that's deep within me,
Shall reach you from the stars,
You'll feel it from the heavens,
And it will heal the scars.

*Author Unknown
*
It takes time Donna but he will be sending his love and strength to you - as we all are.

Love

Debs xxx


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## beachgirl

Donna sending you lots of hugs, we're all here for you


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## Siobhan1

I have only just seen this   

I am so, so sorry for your devastating loss. I hope time is a healer as they say & each day becomes a little easier to cope


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## Clomidia

I am so very very sorry for your loss. 
You will both be in my thoughts, it's so very sad. 
I know you will cuddle your wonderful furbabies, they need you more than ever, and you them


----------



## dhikki

Brian, i have never been so lost, and so alone in all my life. It is quite simply unbearable. Everything is done, everyone told, all letters sent. No-one else wants to see your death certificate. I am now Brians widow, oh my god what on earth do i do now? Will i ever smile again and mean it. Will this hurt ever stop. All what has happened since the 5th august, and still i'm waiting for you to walk through our door. I will not accept you won't, i can't do this sweetheart really i can't..... 

_ want to be with you more than ANYTHING else. Please let me join you x_


----------



## Debs

Donna my love, Brian wouldnt want you to be so sad and I bet he would want you to keep his memory alive here and remember all the good times you had together.

You are still in the very early stages of grief and whilst you cant see brigher days ahead as yet - I promise you that Brian will be around you supporting you and helping you through each day.  Although he isnt able to be with you physically - he is in your heart and that way he will never be very far away from you.

Stay strong sweetheart - let your friends and family help you through this difficult time.  I have no miracle cure to help you deal with your grief but I am sending you big   not just from me - but from all your friends on here.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## Charlie5

Big hugs    to you I'm so sorry    we are all here for you 
Sarahxx


----------



## shortie66

Donna you can and you will do this sweetheart.  Its so hard i know it is sweetheart but you can do it.


----------



## Debs

Donna,

Hope you dont mind but ive found a link to this organisation:

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/AboutGrief.html

They are a wonderful organisation and can and will help - you can ring them or arrange to see them - whatever route you choose believe me it is one step forward love.

My sister lost her husband unexpectedly coming on for 2 years now - she too found it so very difficult to cope - but with the help- of organisations such as the above and her friends and family she is learning how to adapt to life without him physically in it.

Stay strong sweetheart - we are all here for you.

Love

Debs xxx

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Every cloud....

Hi Donna

It is such early days for you not to be feeling like you are. Vulnerability, scared and loneliness are OK to be feeling but please believe that these will fade to bearable levels and that you will smile again.

I'm sure no-one's husband would want them to be thinking of joining them just take each minute as it comes, keep breathing and believing that Brian is with you in spirit.

Hope your non-vitual friends are with you on this sad sad journey of yours. Take care x


----------



## Debs

Hi Donna,

Just wanted to check how you are hun - we are here if you need us.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## M2M

Sending you loads of     and hoping that you're okay. xxxxx


----------



## irisheyes

I have only seen this now as am usually offline over the summer. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have a lot of support. Your posts made me cry. Keep strong xxxx


----------



## dhikki

What has my life come too...... mis you sweetheart x


----------



## greatgazza

Donna I have just come across your post. I am so so sorry for your loss and the pain that you must be going through. There are no words that can be said or things that can be done that will take away your suffering, I am so sad for what you must be feeling. I really hope you don't mind but I discovered this poem when my dad died and then i read it at my mum's funeral last year and it just helped me a tiny bit.

*Death is nothing at all*
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.

I am I, 
and you are you;
whatever we were to each other, 
that, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used,
put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air
of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be
the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, 
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all
that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval, 
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

I doubt it will feel like it right now but moment by moment is bearable, just. I guess i liked to think they had just slipped into the next room....

Lots of love xxxxx


----------



## Debs

Donna this must be one of the most difficult times for you   

Take care sweetheart and I pray brighter days are ahead of you.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## still a mum

great gazza that poem is so nice, thats what i like 2 think of my dd that she is waiting for me and that she is still with me all the time x

dhikki i am so sorry for your lose hun, no words will change the way u feel, there will come a time in the future where u learn to live and function again but the pain never goes away x 

thinking of u this xmas and i hope u have lots of good suppotive  friends and family around you to comfort u in your hour of need x


----------



## dhikki

Thank you everyone x


----------



## janeo1

Donna

Can only echo what others have said.  I am truly sorry for your loss, and hope you have some good friends and family to help support you though what will no doubt be a very emotional christmas. Sincerly hope you do have some smiles too , despite your tears. Thinking of you 

Jane x


----------



## justone

Hi Dhikki
I came across your post by accident. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish I could find the right words to type right now to help you feel better. I lost my sister who was my best friend in November last year. Other people don't seem to 'get' how lonely life is without that special person, how difficult it is to cope day to day... I promise you sincerely that you will be in my thoughts and prayers not just now but in the weeks and months ahead... I am sending you lots of  with this post. God bless you pet!


----------



## Gaylee

I am so so sorry and cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I just hope you have the support of a loving family and friends at this terrible time. Thinking of you and feeling so helpless that I cannot do more.


----------



## jenny80

sending you a big hug!!!

thinking of you

jenny


----------



## dhikki

HI ALL SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ON IN AGES. I DO HOPE YOU ARE ALL WELL. CHRISTMAS AS EXPECTED WAS A NIGHTMARE, BLOODY AWFUL TO BE HONEST. NEW YEAR WAS WORSE, DUE TO THE FACT THAT I ALWAYS GET SAD AT NEW YEAR ON THE BEST OF YEARS. ADDED TO THE FACT THAT MY DARLING HUSBAND WASN'T WITH ME, MY MUM TOO HAS ALSO STOPPED TALKING TO ME. HASN'T SPOKEN A WORD TO HER OR FROM HER SINCE THE 5TH NOVEMBER. TO SAY I FEEL LOST AND LONELY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT......

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT LOVE TO YOU ALL AND THANKS AGAIN X X X X


----------



## Debs

Lovely to see you about on here donna   

You know you have our support and we are here for you.

Sorry to read about the situation with your mum - if ever there was a time when you need her to be there for you   

You are doing so well hun - stay strong.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## kellixxx

(((Hugs))) were always around for you hunni xx

I'm sorry you have fallen out with your mum. Do you have good friends you can talk to?

Kelli


X


----------



## Sam1971

Hi Dhikki

I haven't posted on here before but i just wanted to say i'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through . I can't imagine what you must be feeling.

I hope there is a way for you and your mum to work things out and that with each day things get a little more bearable for you.

Love and hugs 
Sam x


----------



## dhikki

Feeling so lost tonight can't sleep. Been round my cousin's tonight who is expecting his fourth child in the next few weeks. All baby talk, really sat and thought about what i have lost over the last 6 months and what Brian and i never got to have....

Thank you everyone for your support love to you all x


----------



## greatgazza

Oh dhikki    what a truly tough time you have been having.

  Have you thought about the possibility of bereavement counselling?  i know it might still be early days but do you have anyone to talk to?  Cry on their shoulder?  Have you got some support?  It's very sad that you have fallen out with your mum, is it repairable?

You have done so well so far and been really brave in the face of hideous adversity so try and hang in there as best you can love.

GGxxx


----------



## kellixxx

I agree with greatgaza
Do you have any one to talk to or would you consider councilling?
I hope things work out ok with your mum

Kelli


----------



## dhikki




----------



## greatgazza

Oh love    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know that lost and lonely feeling and it's so tough but with time there is a way back up and a way to reconnect with people/life. But you are not alone on here so please rant and rave and get it off your chest.

I really would recommend some bereavement counselling you can look at www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk cruse is a national charity which offers free confidential counselling and has branches around the country.

I'm not sure where you are in the country but i know that my local hospice in Watford offers bereavement counselling to people in the whole of south west hertfordshire and isn't restricted just to people who had a loved one as a patient there so perhaps you have a hospice in your area which might do something similar if cruse don't have a branch near you.

http://www.peacehospice.co.uk/index.asp?thepageID=37#BereavementCounselling

you need some support through this very difficult time so please try and reach out and get some and don't cut yourself off.

Lots of love GG xx

/links


----------



## kellixxx

I just want to send you a ((hug))

Kelli


----------



## dhikki

Thank you all for your on going support.

Life has been so hard just lately, it is just so hard to learn how to deal with so many new emotions that i haven't had to deal with before. The first emotion obvisously was watching Brian slip away fom our life together, my heart stopped beating that day....  

Since he fell asleep EVERYTHING has changed and is still changing, my best friend (after Brian) my wonderful horse has gone off to live with his new mummy and from emails and texts he is doing well. I should find this helpful i know but somehow just makes me miss him more!

I then had to look at my home situation due to my income i had to make another hard decision about trying to cope with five dogs, our family. How could i have to say goodbye to what used to be mine and Brian's children, but i had no choice so with a huge heavy broken heart i rehomed three of my boy's. They have all gone to lovely new parents but what they must be feeling is unbearble. There whole family and home live pulled away from them.

I am now left with Lenny my big boy who had his big operation on his back leg, he got through it and is doing well, thank god! And is till have my old lady Domino, she is now 16 and not sure how long she will be able to stay with me, only time will tell how long that will be.......  

Then my mum stopped talking to me on November 5th you see she worked with me at a school cleaning, i was site superviser. Long boring story but she wanted to increase her hours my boss said yes she could then when it came to do the paper work my boss and her boss changed thier minds. My mum walked out that evening from school and hasn't spoken to me since. I sent her a text message on xmas day but had nothing back. i have heard through the family that she has told everyone i sacked her which is so untrue and not possible as i don't have the power to sack people. I guess she will be abck in touch when she wants too.

I have had a lot of support from my uncle though he has been there for me every single day, practically lived with me for 5 months. He has been so amazing......

And now for my next huge change and oh my god this one is scary, my uncle has asked me to move in with him, to help care for him as he is disabled. He lives in essex, so i am in the middle of packing up my little bungalow to move in with him. It makes so much sense from a finance point of view and company for eachother etc But my god how scared am I....

In 6 months Brian has fallen asleep forever, my horse has gone, my main passion in my life, my doggies have had to move on, i ahve given up my job of 3 years, and now i am moving back to the place i was born but left when i was 7. 

How much can one person take.... but still everyday i wake up and somehow get through the day       


Stay strong everyone, sorry all post about me, i do hope as i always have that you get your dreams whatever they might be 
Love as ever Donna x


----------



## kellixxx

Good luck with your move. I hope you settle in quick. 
I wish I could come help you xxx

Kelli


----------



## Sam1971

Oh Dhikki,

I'm so sorry  . I don't really know what to say to you.I can't believe you are having to go through all of this. I hope that your mum will come to her senses soon and give you the support that you deserve.

Good luck with everything and I hope that as time moves forward each day becomes a little easier for you.

Big hug   and take care.

Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## dhikki

Thankyou Brian, ten years ago today darling i moved in with you and we were together until the end...... always love u x


----------



## Charlie5

Dear Dhikki


You are so  brave and doing so well. I wish you happiness in your future...I really feel for you   
and pray that you find happiness in your new home
 
  Love 
Sarahxxxx


----------



## greatgazza

Dhikki
      Keep going love, you are very strong and brave, moment by moment is bearable.

GGx


----------



## kellixxx

I hope your not on your own tonight
Thinking of you xx

Kelli


----------



## dhikki

Bri,

How do i get through my first valentines day without you?


----------



## dhikki

Can't stop crying today babe, hope my tears run out soon..........


----------



## kellixxx

Thinking of you wanted to send you some  

Kelli


----------



## Sam1971

Sending you a hug and thinking of you  

Sam
xxxxxxxx


----------



## daisy2608

I cant not read and run i have read your posts and they have made my cry but i cannot imagine what you must be going through my thoughts are with you xx


----------



## Little Me

Very new to this section of FF ladies so forgove me for "barging in" but I simply wanted to give  Donna some of the biggest       
Your whole life completely turned around, so much sadness and your beloved hubby , words fail me and are replaced with      
I wish you happier times ahead Donna, and one day I hope you can smile again   

LM xxxx


----------



## kellixxx

Donna how are you keeping hunni? Did you get moved ok. 
Think of you often

Kelli


----------



## dhikki

Hi All,

Thank you again for all your support. Well i have now moved and attempting to try somehow to rebuild my life in esssex. Life is still so very different and i still spend most of my days treading water. I am so different as a person now and i am sure that more of me died and went with Brian that i realised......

How is everyone love to all Donna x


----------



## Helen3

Hi Donna,
It is good to hear from you again. What has happened to you has put everything into perspective. I think many of us (speaking for myself anyway) become so engrossed in our quest to be a parent (even a bit obsessed) that we lose sight of the good things in our lives, which is the people we love & who love us, as well as good health hopefully. I know my DH & I have a 'charmed life'  - we have so much to be grateful for & we do have to remind ourselves from time to time to count our blessings, despite wanting & working so hard to have that elusive child....

Donna, I really wish you peace & happiness ahead, but ofcourse losing your DH must be devastating & life changing as you have eluded to. Have faith that you will find yourself again one day in the future, but you will never be the same as the person you were before this happened. That doesn't mean you can't feel alive & happy again one day, just different from the person you were. I know it is a cliche but it will take a very long time & happen gradually ofcourse. I hope you are getting support  & sometimes that can come from the most unexpected sources. Thank you for sharing what happened with all of us. I don't think there is one person reading this thread who doesn't feel for you & would want to support you if only via the internet. You are in all our thoughts & prayers.
With love & blessings
x


----------



## Debs

Donna its so lovely to hear from you   

Helen has written such a lovely post there I can only echo what she says.

Stay strong hun.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## dhikki

Dear Helen & Debs,

Thank you so much for your comments. Helen you have made me cry. I too got so caught up in trying to become a mum that i wasted precious moments with Brian. Don't get me wrong the ache in my heart is still very real for knowing now that i will never be a parent but it has sunken into the back ground. I would give up anything just to have more precious moments with Brian.

Life is the toughest thing that we all have to face in our own way's. 

My only advice for what good it is, is to never forget how much you love the special person in your life, show them everyday and always hold them close at night. Never let there be any doubt about how you feel for each other. And speaking as someone who has nothing remeber as hard as I KNOW it can be never let other life problems take over what you already have.....

Love to you both x


----------



## kellixxx

Donna ((hugs))

Its good hear from you hunni. I can only echo what the other lady's have said. Take each day at a time. I think of you often. You take care xx


----------



## dhikki

How lonely and desperate can one person get............


----------



## Charlie5

Donna

You know you are not lonely on here...we are all here for you. What have you been doing today? Hope you feel a little better tomorrow lots and lots of love please keep in touch..
   
Sarahxx


----------



## greatgazza

Have you looked into or been having any bereavement counselling?  You need some support around you.

Sorry you're feeling so low.

Lots of love

GG x


----------



## beadle1

Hello Donna,

I have read your sad news in the past and found your posting yesterday.  Just wanted to say, you have made several big steps forward already, with a move etc., which can't have been easy at all.

I am so pleased you have had company during this difficult period.    It is a very vunerable time for you and although it benefits both yourself and your Uncle to move to your Uncle's home, I really hope you are still able to have your independence whilst you are still gathering all the different emotions, changes and thoughts which come with a bereavement.    As others have said, I truly believe having somebody independant to talk to, such as a bereavement counsellor could really benefit you - as there me be feelings you are unable to discuss with relatives.

Wishing you all the best and future happiness.

Alice x


----------



## Sam1971

Donna

I hope you are feeling a little better today 

You are in my thoughts alot and i hope you are making new friends in your life to help and support you through this.

Big   and Love

Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Libran

Donna
You are always in my thoughts too.  Stay strong.  Please PM me   XX


----------



## dhikki

Hi Everyone,

You must all be getting fed up with all my "me posts" and i am so sorry but here comes another one. Really struggling this last few days. I am hoping each day when i get up it will be easier but no it is just the same.

I keep telling myself it's the time of year, as lots of first dates 24th march was my 4th wedding anniversary, 31st march was Brian's birthday and sadly tomorrow is my birthday. I felt so lost on Brian's birthday and our anniversary not doing my normal things like spoiling him wrotten. And i can't tell you all how much i am dreading waking up tomorrow knowing it will be my first birthday in 10 years and no card from Brian. He spoilt me more than i can explain, and the cards he used to get me were out of this world. 

I feel so lost, i feel so guilty, that i am still here and he isn't. I still cannot accept how totally different my life is now. Totally different, all i want to do is go home, sit in my garden, hoover my lounge and most of all moan about having to clear up after Bri!

The old saying you don't know what you have until it's gone is so so very true   

Thankyou all for being so patient with me xx Love to you all xx


----------



## Maisyz

Oh Donna, you don't know me of course but I couldn't just ignore your post. You sound such a lovely lady and I'm so very sorry that you lost Brian. Of course it is going to be hard tommorrow on your birthday but what would Brian say? I bet he hated seeing you sad. He's not around to buy you a present but you can still buy one for yourself that maybe he'd have thought about. I always try to buy something that the person would have liked and reflects what they'd say to me if they were about. For Mother's Day (my mum died recently) I bought a rose bush, it's very bright and will hae yellow flowers and smell very rosy. It was called Keep Smiling - because that's what I figured she'd say. Maybe you can find something that would capture Brian and what he'd want to say now.

Take care Donna and never feel you have to apologise for anything you post, looking at this board you are loved by many xx


----------



## kellixxx

Oh hunni you don't ever have to be sorry xxx
What if you go to a place that you and brian loved together? It might help you feel close to him. You've came such a long way. Your very strong. I think counselling would help you move forward each day at a time. Thinking of you lots

Kelli


----------



## dhikki

Thank you ladies xx

Cannot believe or understand i am not sharing my birthday with you baby miss you with all of me x


----------



## kellixxx

Happy birthday donna thinking of you (((hugs)))

Kelli


----------



## Sam1971

Happy Birthday Donna

I know today will be really hard but i am sure Brian is looking down on you and hoping you do something nice today. You deserve to.

Big   and love

Sam x


----------



## dhikki

Just spending my day crying and i can't stop


----------



## Maisyz

oh Donna


----------



## Helen3

Hi Donna,
Hard to know what to say that might help but want you to know that we're hearing you & we're out here thinking about you & caring. I hope this won't sound like a platitude or something, but personally I believe it's good to get grief out & crying can do just that..... sending you the biggest hug you can imagine
xxx


----------



## Charlie5

Donna- Happy Birthday Love
You go ahead and cry that's good you need to release your emotions    
we are all here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## dhikki

my cousin has just had his 4th child.

Lilly may born last night at 8.40 weighing 7 pound. Gotta find the strength to go and meet her without Brian stood by my side??

How the hell am i gonna manage this?


----------



## Charlie5

Hi

Dhikki
Do you really have to go ? Sometimes it is best to wait till the baby is a little older..why put yourself through it ? You have to look after yourself Dhikki now more than ever.   Do nice things for yourselfyou are doing so well. Why not send them a card for now.Although I know even that can be upsetting. Please just spend time on yourself you are greiving.     
Love
Sarahxx


----------



## sallywags

Send them some flowers and arrange a visit later hun - if it was me, i would hate to think that someone had visited just because they thought they had to, particularly if there was a reason they might be upset.


----------



## Mamaji

Dhikki:   Sounds a wee bit like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself honey...    I'm sure your cousin would understand if you didnt visit straight away ..... sometimes self preservation needs to come first.  I agree that sending a card or flowers might be less pressure for you.

Sending you loads of hugs     

Nic


----------



## M2M

I have no advice at all but just want you to know I think of you often, even though you don't know me. I can't imagine what you have been through and are still going through. Like the others I would agree that you don't need that added pressure of visiting straight away! I'm SURE your cousin would understand. Big hugs honey.


----------



## Maisyz

Donna, I agree with the others, don't feel you have to go immediately. Let's face it people get swamped with visitors when they first have babies anyway and its not like babies even remember. So don't pressure yourself. Send a card and present by all means your cousin will completely understand I'm sure. Take care x


----------



## Debs

I can only echo what the others have said hun - you do what you feel when you feel if at all   

Stay strong hun - your doing so well.  Sorry I missed your birthday as was away xxx


----------



## dhikki

Dear all,

Thankyou so much for all of your advise, sadly i had no choice but to go and see the new addition. You see my uncle that i now live with it is his new grandaughter. so we will see her all the time. I was dreading seeing her not sure how i would cope or get through it. But somehow i did.

It was very hard and i had to keep swallowing hard, but i decided to let my uncle have a look on here before i agreed to go with him and meet her. i thought it was the best way as he has three children so couldn't understand. He spent hours on here reading through all my posts since i joined and he just sat crying his heart out. He now totallly understands and has explaine dit it to James and jen.

Thankyou everyone i love you all x x x x


----------



## Debs

Oh Donna what a lovely uncle you have   

Well done on being so strong meeting baby - I hope as she grows with you in her life you create a special bond as I have done with my nephews and neices and you find a little comfort with that.  I know its hard at first but it can happen with a little time   

Well done once again - you have done so well   

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## dhikki

Can't sleep a wink tonight, wish i could turn my brain off. I miss you Brian with all my heart and my ache for you is getting more everyday...... Nearly 9 months since you fell asleep and it isn't getting easier when will this hurting stop?


----------



## Maisyz

Donna hun, so hate seeing you so unhappy. It must be so hard and I can't imagine the pain. I didn't know Brian of course but I imagine he would hate to think of you feeling so down and want you to he happy again someday. Have you thought about talking to someone at Cruse about things? I know my friend who sadly lost his wife found them helpful. He mentioned another place too which helped massively. Anyway hope you don't mind but have attached a link in case you don't have their contact number, they aren't open on Bank holiday it seems but will be back tommorrow. Take care matey. 

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Helpline.html

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Debs

Donna - it still early days darling,

I know it hurts so much still but you will get there - Do try Cruse - they are very good in helping people in your situation and might just help that little bit   

But you know we are all here for you to talk to   

Stay strong - your are doing so well xxx


----------



## dhikki

Thankyou everyone, i will try cruse, gotta do something i can't eat and still can't sleep. i do need some help...


----------



## LJyorkshire

Donna - just found your thread. My husband died suddenly in a car crash in 2004. The first year is just awful.. I had counselling with Cruse and also private hypnotherapy..both of which helped. Was lucky enough to meet another amazing man but I still think about Peter every day. If you ever want to send a pm / rant at someone just get in touch. 

Wishing you peace..pretty hard to come by just now I'm sure

LJ x


----------



## dhikki

I would just like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, there are some amazing people on here and i don't know what i would do with out you all.
I have spoken to a lady at cruse this morning and she has helped so much already. I explained to her how guilty i feel that i am still living. I told her how wrong it feels when i smile or laugh, she didn't think this was strange or wrong she said it was totally normal. I feel a bit more normal after spending 2 hours on the phone.....  
LJ- I am so sorry that you too lost your husband, nobody should have to go through it. It helps to hear you have had the strength to move on, i feel so guilty even thinking about moving on.....
Thank you all for your support in means so much xx


----------



## shortie66

Sweetheart just popping in to give you some           I had cruse bereavement therapy after losing my dad and mum within 2 years. It was a dark difficult time and i felt so isolated from everyone. I had looked after both my parents and had no life really out of that, so when they both died i felt at a loss at what to do with myself, the grief was overwhelming, and the guilt at living a life and being happy without them was something i could not comprehend. Day at time sweetheart, little steps will pave the way and you have taken the first step of many. You are a very brave lady and i think you deserve a pat on the back and a huge


----------



## Maisyz

So pleased Cruse helped a bit. One day at a time matey   x


----------



## Debs

Donna,

Im soo proud of you!  well done on ringing cruse it really is a step in the right direction   

I'd also like to give all the other ladies a big   too for your losses.

Its not easy to travel down this road but when you have friends to help you it makes it just that little bit easier and we are all friends here   

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## dhikki

Hello ladies,

Just wanted to pop by and tell you all that i laughed today with friends and i didn't feel guilty. In Fact i smiled inside because Brian loved my laugh and it would have been the first time he heard it since he has been asleep. thank you to all of you for putting me in touch with cruse 

I love you all xx


----------



## shortie66

Awwwwww hunny         what a lovely post to read. We're always here whenever you need us          I like to think of you laughing and smiling inside


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## Debs

Oh Donna thats a fantastic post to read hun!!!

What a lovely post to wake up and see     

Love

Debs xxx


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## Maisyz

Lovely to hear Donna


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## dhikki

I climbed into bed last night, had a little cry, but then fell asleep and slept through until 7am this morning. Cruse has helped so much. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart xx


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## Mamaji

Dhikki:      beautiful lady .....one smile leads to another   and another   and another   then a giggle,  a chuckle and a belly laugh ... you soooo deserve happiness!! May the love from Brian's gentle soul light up more smiles inside you xxxx  

Before my granny died she said to me that if she died and I ever felt sad, alone and missing her I just had to close my eyes to picture her face, put my hands on my heart, take a deep breath in .. then out and imagine her holding me, imagine the smell of her perfume, the softness of her hair the feel of her arms around me and then her love would be with me.  I've never forgotten her words as she died a few days after she said it (she must have known somehow); it's something I've replayed thousands of times whenever I need comfort, whenever I need to feel her and it works every time.  It makes me cry .... but in a way its comforting, loving tears.  I wrote a few lines at the time which I still say to myself about my granny. ...."every day and in every way...... to feel your love Granny is but a breath away...... breathe in breathe out ....... I am wrapped up ...safe... warm .... secure in your love ..... you have left your body but your love will always be alive within me ...... happy sleeping angel Granny ..... keep the bed warm for me ...love you always ...

Sending you loadsa love Dhikki xx


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## Charlie5

Dhikki-What lovely posts       Love and hugs glad Cruse is helpingxxx


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## LJyorkshire

Donna - so glad Cruse is helping. Thought I'd share something with you. At DHs funeral a mutual friend gave me a disk and said that DH had given it to her 5 years before when we were having a tough time and were apart for over a month. He said if anything happened to him to give it to me. It was passworded and after 2 weeks of trying to crack it I bought an online programme and it turned out the password was hEAven . DH was always sceptical about religion but to me thAt was a sign that that  is where he is (ps it was a diary he kept for the 40 days and 40 nights we were apart telling me each day how much he loved me and how certain he was we would end up together). The last sentence was...I want to always see you smile..sounds like our 2 hubbies were on the same wavelength x


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## dhikki

To all you lovely ladies who keep giving me so much needed support and kind words thank you from the bottom of my heart   
I have had a few things happen to me in the last couple of days that have made so much sense to me but might not make much sense on here i hope they do to some of you, I took myself off to the park yesterday and lay in the sunshine on the grass, i was looking up at the sky and i thought about Brian, then i smiled and it made me feel happy because i realised how much Brian loved to see me smile, there is a song by ub40 called " I love it when you smile" it is a beautiful song and Brian dedicated it to me years ago when we were at a party. It made me think how happy he would be to me smile becasue it has been such a long time he must have been missing it. If you can lisern to the song the words are wonderful!!
Then today i went for a long walk through the woods like Brian and i used to do, at first i found it very hard, because Brian wasn't there and nor were our five dogs that we both loved so dearly so i felt very lonely. i had a little cry, but then i turned the corner and walked through an over grown path and got cobwebs all over my face, i stopped and then thought closing my eyes for a few moments that could have been Brian touching the skin on my face with the lightest of touches like he did so many times. I talked to him for a while and tried to pretend he was there. Of course he wasn't but, for a few moments i was back with him and feeling his touch, he could be so gentle for such a huge man.....  
Thank you again for all being here for me, your all amazing people your support  means more to me than you realise   to you all Love Donna xx


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## Maisyz

Lovely to hear Donna, take care, keep smiling and be happy, knowing that Brian would want you to live an extra happy, lovely life where all your dreams come true. So glad our paths crossed that morning in cyber space and that Cruse have helped. love Maisy x


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## Charlie5

Donna- It brought a tear to my eye reading your post...how lovely and touching xxx


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## Mamaji

Donna: Your post made me jump up and down smiling as I thought of you   I love that you are allowing everyday events to turn into moments which help you remember happy moments with Brian.  He truly is no more than a thought away honey.  Bless your beautiful heart and Brian's xxxx Nic


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## dhikki

Hello all,
I have something to confess and i am not sure how you will all take it. I feel guilty but i have to confess, i think i have fallen for someone. Is this wrong? It doesn't change at all how i feel/felt about Brian. Emtions and the human heart are so up and down. What do i do advice please girls......


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## dhikki

I know brian would totally understand, he always said he would want me to move on


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## Maisyz

Donna, of course it isn't wrong to have feelings for someone else. All I would say is at the moment do take things very slowly, not because it's wrong but because you are still grieving and that affects emotions in all sorts of ways. I'd say, enjoy getting to know someone slowly perhaps. Sure Cruse can offer advice on the whole emotion stuff of it all. You deserve to be happy again though and of course he would say live your life and be happy x


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## shortie66

Donna of course you will feel guilty       But please remember we are not here to judge you but to help you through possibly what has been the worst time in your life. I would echo what maisy has said, take it slowly, enjoy his company, deal with the guilt that you feel with the flip side emotion of Brian wanting you to lead a happy fulfilled life. It will be difficult at times im sure but you will get there          


Slowly slowly catchy monkey    Wishing you health love and happiness and a lifetime of laughter


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## Sam1971

Donna don't give yourself a hard time huni . 

Like any thing you can't choose when these things happen and you know Brian would want you to be happy again But i think as Maisy and Shortie have said just slowly.slowly  and see where it leads you. Hopefully to some happy times again  

Good luck sweetie i reallly wish you all the love and luck in the world.

Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dhikki

Thank you ladies. This man has helped me so much since Brian died, to be honest he is the only person who has been there for me every step of the way. He has been such a huge support. He knew Brian and I, so he knows totally what i have and am still going through. He knows all about my IVF and understands why i feel guilty and will find it hard to love again completely. He also understands so well because he too has suffered loss. i have fallen for him, but have not yet told him, i just keep spending time with him. There was a moment last night when we nearly kissed, and i think we both felt something, but both got worried and backed away from each other.   
I think we need to talk, because i don't want to make any mistakes or get anything wrong. I am to upside down in my head and my heart to put this on to him it is just not fair. I need to be honest with him explain that i feel something, but i don't know if it will ever be a complete love like i have for Brian, it could be love just a different love?   
I love you all xx


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## LJyorkshire

Donna
I wish you every happiness. I too met someone quite quickly after DH died...it was lovely to have that closeness again but it became clear that the "me" he fell in love with was very vulnerable and happy for him to take the lead. Once I became stronger he and I were not suited at all as my independence did not sit well with him. Enjoy your time with this chap..take things at your pace and most importantly of all listen to any little voices in your head if things don't feel right..,
DH would only want you to be happy..if you're smiling then all is good! Be prepared for some not to understand though..
Take care 
LJ x


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## Maisyz

Darling, don't compare because that would only lead to too much pressure on this new man. He can't compare to Brian, he doesn't need to. Anymore than you need to be compared to anyone he's loved before. You have been lucky to have a great love in your life once before and hopefully will again but this is a new thing, a new relationship, don't even think about how it compares to what you had just think is it happy, is it fun, is it rewarding and find a new thing that's about you two. Hope that makes sense. Let the poor man know as well that you've started to see him in a new way, as more than a friend and that maybe you'd like to see how things go between you. Just a suggestion but men worry about stuff lots. Good luck, take care and we're always here to try to help if we can

Maisy x


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## dhikki

Hi Everyone,
Well i was brave last night, chris came in and i asked him if we could talk. I told him how i felt and explained that i am scared and also feel very guilty because of Brian. He was amazing, as usual bless him. he said he felt the same way too. And thinks i am an amazing lady and he would like to be with me more than friends. He also said that the guilty feelings would be normal. And he wants to take things very slowly too. He gave me a huge cuddle and asked if he could kiss me goodnight which we did.......   
Thank you all again xx


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## Irish Dee

Hi Dhikki,
I've followed your story since you lost your DH and my heart was gladdened to see your recent news.  I'm sure that Brian would be so happy for you to have the opportunity to find some peace and happiness.  Brian will always have a special place in your heart.  

I can only imagine it the way that women who are expecting their second child think that they will never be able to be love anyone in the same way that they love their first child, but when their second child is born they find an huge capacity to love, without taking any of the love that they have for their first child. (Sorry about the children orientated analogy)

I'm going to post 2 quotes here that I hope will be of help.
'Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal'. -(from an Irish gravestone)
When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. - (Author Unknown)
Dee


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## dhikki

Thank you Dee you have made me smile xx


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## Debs

Oh Donna that is lovely lovely news   

Im sure Brian is looking down and feels happy to see you starting to move forward.

I cant say no more than what the girls have said already but I am so glad to read your news and I hope and pray that things work out with chris.

Love n hugs (will leave the kisses for Chris   )

Debs xxx


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## dhikki

Thanks debs!

 Can't sleep tonight feeling so mixed up..... love to you all xx


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## Maisyz

Yay, well done you, sounds like things went fab x


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## dhikki

Chris is taking me out to dinner tonight and i have to admitt i am feeling quite nervous! I can't really work out why, he has been with me every step of the way! Oh the human brain, mine is all mixed up! xx


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## Debs

Enjoy your meal hun xxx


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## shortie66

Have a lovely evening hunny, you have started as friends and that is a brilliant start just take your time nice and slowly and enjoy the company. Brian will be for you happy sweetheart and so are we    


P.S. no more than holding hands and a chaste kiss goodnight on the first date


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## LJyorkshire

Enjoy x


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## dhikki

Thank you ladies.

Well the meal was wonderful, a little tiny pub down here that i haven't been too before. chris was so kind and understanding, there was an awkward moment in the evening when not much was being said, at this point i have to admitt i was thinking about Brian, trying to rememebr the last time we had a romantic evening meal together, then the guilt set in and i thought  i was going to burst in to tears! Chris must have been able to tell, and said outright " your thinking about Brian and feeling guilty aren't you!" i smiled and decided it was best to be honest, so replied yes i am, and i am so very sorry. Just feel so guilty etc. He held my hand and said it was totally perfectly normal, he did the same thing few times. The rest of the meal went wonderfully. We got back home he came in for a coffee and we kissed goodnight. He left about ten minutes ago.   I am feeling simply quiet but strangely content. Chris seems to understand, and as i am able to be totally honest with him really helps so much xx

Love to you all xx


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## nellie271212

Thinking of you & feeling your pain. I am sure it was of some comfort to him that you were near after going through such difficult emotional times.


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## Sam1971

Donna

So glad you had a good time huni .You desrve to have some happiness in your life 

I think its understandable that you thought about Brian a few times. You loved him and he loved you and no one can take that away from you . Ever.

Chris sounds like a really kind and patient man though which is probably exactly what you need as he won't rush you. Just take it one day at a time, have some fun and see where it leads.

Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Love Samxx


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## shortie66

Awwwwww donna what a lovely friend you have found, and hopefully within time he will be much more than a friend    Glad you both had a lovely time. Sooooooooo whens the next date


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## dhikki

My next date with Chris has already started, he is here with me now. We have joint friends here too. It has just been decided that we are going to southend for the weekend in a camper van !!


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## Debs

Donna,

Have a wonderful weekend sweetheart - you deserve it!

Love

Debs xxx


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## Maisyz

Have a wonderful weekend Donna, keep smiling, so proud of you x


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## shortie66

OMG donna have a truly wonderful time


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## kellixxx

Have a wonderful time xxx


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## dhikki

Thank you all.
Well the weekend was wonderful, I only got home today. The company was just brilliant, and things couldn't be any better between Chris and I. I have even laughed this weekend and got a little bit tipsy saturday night. I feel hopeful that i will be happy again xx


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## shortie66

Awww donna just brilliant


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## dhikki

missing you Brian x


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## dhikki

I will never forget you....... baby your the best x


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## shortie66

Donna, of course you miss Brian, of course he was the best         He will always want you to be happy, just remember that


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## dhikki

Thanks shortie, bad day.

Weekend better hopefully, lots planned bri to keep me busy, and don't worry babe chris is making me smile and looking out for me xx


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## LJyorkshire

Would have been my 7th wedding anniversary today...we never even made it to our first..DH died 4 months and 1 day after our wedding. So glad someone is making you smile...miracles do happen x


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## dhikki

Dear LJ so sorry about your dh, shocking and so sad, my heart is with you xx


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## worthysmum

so sad for you LJ


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## babyjoy

i am so sorry to hear this, my heart goes out tou, u are in my thoughts and prayers


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## babyjoy

so sory to hear this , my heart goes out to u, u are n my thoughts and prayers


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## dhikki

Feel so sad, couldn't sleep a wink last night, in a few days time, (5th june) brian would have been in his forever sleep for 10 months. I can't believe that in two months time i will have to say This time last year Brian wasn't here!
I miss him so much, i miss him kissing me, holding me, making all things perfect like he always did.... i have forgotten what he smells like.... Still look for my rewind button!
Ladies you are all so kind


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## dhikki

Also just wanted to thank everyone that has given so much support through my private messages. i am sorry if i haven't replied to everyone but i have had so so many.....   Please forgive me if i didn't reply to you, but please know they all mean so much to me your an amazing bunch of people, just so sad we all found eachother for infertility reasons......


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## dhikki

I have had a nice few days, my dearest friend came and stayed with her three children. Sadly she lost her boyfriend 5 weeks ago, he was found dead at his home. Nice to see her so much and we spent hours talking how we both feel was good to talk xx


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## kellixxx

Big hugs too you and your dear friend xxx


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## dhikki

Hi all hope everyone is well!

Just a little update, Chris and I have booked a weeks holiday together in July!! We are going to a little tiny campsite in norfolk, by the sea. In the camper! Just the two of us......
Have had a down few day's but trying to be happy for Brian & Chris, looking forward to our holiday.

Love to all Donna xx


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## kellixxx

Awh you'll both have a lovely time. I've been there and its very nice. I hope your ok 

Kelli


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## discombobulated

I was sat in my bedroom feeling so sorry for myself after being told last week its the end of the road for myself and my partner to have children.Lack of funds, too much heartbreak etc. Then I read your post. My heart goes out to you that you are suffering so much sadness. Life can be very cruel. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug and very best wishes hun !


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## fuzzybear

Donna,
I came across your original post by accident, and have read through all the posts since, as I have been unable to tear myself away from the computer.  Tears are streaming down my face reading your posts.  I simply could not read and run. Like everyone else here,  I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband Brian-such awful tragedies remind us of what we really have, whether we appreciate them or not at the time.               
You are such an amazing, brave and wonderful woman!  These are the fantastic qualities that Brian loved in you, I'm sure.    It is early days yet, and you have gone through so much, but you sound so happy at the moment- take each day one day at a time. 
Enjoy being with Chris, my lovely, Brian will be smiling to see you so happy. 
Take care and wishing you all the happiness in the world for your future,
Big hugs,
Love Fuzzybear xxxxxxx


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## hopehopehope

Donna, like Fuzzybear I don't know you, but have just read this thread with tears streaming down my face. You have made me appreciate what I do have, rather than what I dont. My mother lost my step father suddenly 2 1/2 years ago and is just starting to feel as though life has a purpose again. I  hope and pray that you find happiness, you so deserve it. Life is so cruel but you do have a future. Big hug xxxxx


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## kellixxx

Its been a long time since you posted. I hope your keeping ok?
I often think of you x

Kelli


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## dhikki

Hi everyone, well it has been a long time since i posted. Too long. And for that i am sorry. Where do i start. Still having very bad dark days when i don't even get dressed of leave the house. This week has been one of those weeks. Been dressed for about an hour since saturday! Spending all day feeling really sorry for myself.

I have been spending lots of time with my friend who lost her boyfriend at easter. Heartbreaking and finding it hard.

Anyway enough about me how are you all? 

Loads of love Donna xx


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## Maisyz

Oh Donna, had been wondering about you but I just thought you were still on your camper van adventure or something and having a whale of a time. Can relate to the not wanting to leave the house thing sadly. I know you're trying to help your friend but perhaps its just too much for you to be taking on at the moment? I'm not saying don't be a friend but perhaps take a little step back so it doesn't drag you down maybe? Cruse are still about to help I imagine, always worth a call for her or you do you think?

I have spent the day baking stuff for a Christmas fair thing whilst hiding from my psycho cat (yes my own pet scares me) , oh and I have a slight problem with a sleep disordered owl who has taken up residence in the garden. Am also wondering why the dog smells like a mouldy hedge. Basically pretty much business as usual in Maisy world. Bet you're sorry you asked now (but hopefully at least made you smile)

Grey days come and go, sometimes its OK to feel down I reckon, just best not let it go on too long hey? Anyway, take care and we're all still wobbling about if you need us xx


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## dhikki

Hi maisyz,

Yes your post made me smile     
Firstly, how can you be scared of your own cat? Secondly you can always suggest to your little owl friend to head down to my place, as i don't sleep he wouldn't cause me a problem lol
and thank you yes i do still need you all Lots of love xx


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## kellixxx

Just wanted to send you a ((hug)) I often wonder how you are. 

Kelli


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## dhikki

feeling more lost Brian than i can explain, having a real bad day, just want to turn back the clock, real bad xx


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## Maisyz

Hugs to Donna. There isn't very much I can say to help, I wish there was.   Take care x


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## dhikki

Thank you maisyz


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## kellixxx

thinking of you xxx 


kelli


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## hopehopehope

Thinking of you as well xx


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## little1

I have just come across your post and Brian sounds like a lovely man. I do hope your pain is healing I’m sure with Chris and your friends help you are slowly getting better. I wanted to thankyou for bravely posting on here I was feeling sorry for myself over the last few weeks and reading your posts made me cry and also appreciate the life I have. 
bless you & wishing you happiness you deserve xxx


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## dhikki

hi all, still taking things day by day.

Missing You bri more than words xx


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## wannabamum

Hi dhikki,

I have just come across your post and I had to leave a message for you as my heart goes out to you. Life can be so cruel and I really hope you are doing ok.  I know it must be so hard for you and I don't know how I would feel in your situation but you seem like an amazingly strong person. Time is a healer as the old saying goes and I do hope things get easier for you

God bless

Xxx


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## Maisyz

We're all still here if you need us -  

love Maisy


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## dhikki

Thank you all, so much love to everyone xx


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## kellixxx

Thinking of you. I hope you've got lots of support around you this time of year xxxx


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## dhikki

Hi all,

Thank you so much to all of you for still replying to me after all this time. My 3rd christmas without my darling brian, don't know how to start explaining how hard it is..... Your support means the world to me.

Hugs and love to each and everyone of you xxxx


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## Maisyz

to you to Donna.


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## tattybear

I have just come across this thread and although its a long time ago I know it will only seem like yesterday. I wanted to send you lots of hugs and tell you i think you seem remarkably strong, your hubby will be so very very proud of you living your life with him in your heart. You will meet again one day but until then he will always be in your heart, helping you through the tough times, wiping your tears and smiling back at your smile. 

xxxxxx


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## rubster

Dearest Dhikki

Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss - your love for him is so strong, it will always be there, and I am sure you feel his love everyday.... in the small things, the little memories... everything you shared together

Sending you all my love and hugs, 

Rubster xxx


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