# The naughty step!



## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Good Morning everyone,
There's something that has been going through my mind for a while now that I would really appreciate your thoughts on.

'Charlie' the little boy we have been matched with, has had major tantrums in the past and can apparantly be quite tempermental at times. When we were on our prep course and also when we were being interviewed about Charlie and Lola, we were asked about how we were discipline them it was a no no to be putting children on the 'naughty step' away from you as they may have been left alone a lot in the past, this all made sense...however...the information that we have had so far from the foster carer is that she copes with the tantrums and tempers by using time out and ignoring him when he is having a temper. This really seems to have worked as the tantrums and tempers are apparently much more infrequent.

What have other people been told, or even better what have you found to work with your littles if they are having tantrums or being tempermental. I guess this area is my biggest 'fear' as I know I need to be in control when it happens for the first time so Charlie feels safe, but I am nervous about dealing with this.

Any thoughts, opinions and experiences all welcome!

Love Viva
XXX


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I was always told that the naughty step/square/whatever was a good way of doing it, it might be better for your little one to have it in the same area as you are so he doesnt feel isolated. But just make it known that it he has been naughty etc and is it have time out and stay put. 
My nephew hated it because he felt excluded from the game etc so it really worked for him 
hope it works for you 

It will also be good to continue with the same thing as the foster carers as trying to change everything at once can be a bit daunting for them. 
x


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## JaneNewcastle (Jun 17, 2005)

Hope you don't mind me posting on this board, but I saw the message about naughty step.

Supernanny last night had a 'naughty spot' which was a small round mat (from Ikea I think) that they used in whichever room they were currently in, the child had to stay on the mat, and was ignored for a minute for every year of their age.

Jane
xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

we were told the naughty step was ok but not to send a child to their bedroom as punishment as it was not wise with some children because of past experiences (IYSWIM)  and that their bedrooms need to be a place where they feel safe and secure. but i think it all depends on the individual child and i'm afraid it's going to be trial and error as to what works and what doesn't. But i would certainly listen to the fc as they know the children better that anyone (well a good fc does anyway) 

pam xx


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

We have a naughty corner which we use - basically a quiet corner of whichever room we're in.  As Bubbles is only little we have always gone into the corner together to keep her still and keep her theer for the alloted time.  We also don't want her to fel excluded or alone.NB we don't 'restrain' her we just sit with her holding her gently so she knows she has to sit still in the corner. We then talk about what she did that was naughty, we have a cuddle adn say 'sorry'.

However, have recently seen advertys for a naughty seat/naughty spot which you can buy and take with you to give a place for time-out wherever needed.  it has a motion sensor which sets off an alarm if the child leaves the seat before 'time out ' is finished.  We are very tempted to get one as naughty corner works well for us.  I don't have a link but I am sure you'll find it through google.

Magenta x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi I think you've been given some great advice & from an experienced adopted who adopted a little boy similar to "Charlies" age you will find you will use it   sorry to say that but I have to agree with the others of having the naughty spot where you are, or following on from what the FC does.  We did this with DS but be warned as my DH would say & still keeps reminding me of, 10 years later!! there is no naughty spot when your out shopping with them and then you have to use different techniques!!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

difficult to comment as not been in this situation yet but for what its worth, i think consistency is key and if the fc doing it (and it works) then why make things difficult  i do think naughty steps/spots work....
andrea my friend's naughty spot was in fact a flannel which folded up very nicely and was able to be transported easily..she has no hesitation in whipping it out in a shop!

and i found this thread
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=109550.0

kj x


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Had to reply to this one as my eldest and middle child are not at all fazed by the naughty chair and I am constantly trying to find other ways to punish them when they are bold (usually hitting) N is in it at the minute and she is singing away quite happily. We have got a reward chart as well and treats are restricted as well when being naughty so any other ideas would be great.

Love K


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Thanks for all your thoughts, we met with FM and our SW today and it turns out that her 'naughty step' is in the lounge so Charlie is not away from here. We don't have any such useful step and picking up on the posts that I read prior to the meeting and also from discussion in the meeting, we picked up a bright red circular mat in Ikea this evening-probably similar to your friends Jane(!) (we were there getting more bits and pieces) which could be moved around with us around the house to be a 'naughty spot'. We are also very sure after the meeting that consistancy is going to be key.
However having seen more pics and heard more about Charlie and Lola from their FM it's going to be hard to discipline them at all if they smile at us with their cheeky grins! 
Let the adventure begin!
Viva
XXX


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

We found that the naughty step worked a treat. Our dd would get 3 warnings and then the step, with smacking there was no warning and she was straight there. Hence the smacking phase stopped pretty quickly!
For tantrums and sulks, the very best thing to do is to ignore them, even though it can be majorly tough!

She still visits the naughty step occasionly now and she's 4. But she knows now where she's heading for. I've learned over time that for certain behaviours, it can be easily diffused when they're not getting any attention for it. Like today, I said to her "Dinner time, I'm doing you a sandwich, are you coming downstairs?" and the response was "I wanted toast!" - unlucky! as soon as she's said "I want" she'd already lost the battle. She progressed to standing in her bedroom just repeating over and over "But I wanted beans on toast"! I was very good and completely ignored her. I didnt respond once. I carried on making her the sandwich and took into the room and placed it on the table. And shouted up "Dinner's ready!". She carried on with the "But I wanted...." in a very aggressive manner, and I ignored her and started on my sandwiches, she eventually after 15 mins came downstairs and was still muttering.... hoping to get any reaction out of me, and when she saw I wasnt going to react, she climbed upto the table and started eating!!! Beans on bloomin' toast was never mentioned again!!

It;s true that the step cant always work, for example when you;re out of the house. But to stop any attention, will eventually elevate the behaviour.


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Viva

When I only had our eldest with us I would put her into the chair and avoid eye contact with her (I'd still be in the same room).  That was fine until my youngest came to stay with us and from then on we have used the front door mat.  Its only just outside the lounge but means that the rest of the family can carry on with what they are doing but keep an eye on whoever is on the mat.  The step wasn't an option because it has been a train, plane and car!!!

We had an issue with the girls asking when they could get off so we made some traffic lights (3 sheets of paper with different coloured spots) the rules are that they face the door and the colour of the light tells them what is happening so they don't go on and on or have need to engage us.  So red = stand quietly and face the door, orange = it will soon be time to come off, green = time to come off.  Eldests record tantrum has been 1 hr 5 mins!!!

We have adapted things as we have gone along and as they have got older.  We have a sheet of 4 basic house rules which they decided upon, they get 2 warnings and then the third time they break them they go to the mat.  They do go to the mat for other things and sometimes if it is serious there are no warnings.

You will find something that works for you

Good luck
Karen x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I must admit when we got our DS we followed the whole Supernanny approach, I also read Toddler Taming and all the other books recommended by the HV and we had a naughty step at the bottom of the stairs.  It appealed to me because I was always a great believer in the adult being in control.  However the techniques often didn't work more than they worked and we found it rather frustrating.  Since our DS has been diagnosed with an attachment disorder we have changed our approach. We try and avoid the tantrums by recognising the triggers and avoiding them.  If we can't avoid them we try and keep an eye out for early warning signs and distract him away from that direction.  Unfortunately we don't always succeed and have to use stricter discipline.  We occasionally use time out within eyeshot but generally rely more on withdrawal of priveledges (sp) like favourite TV programme or toys.  

Unfortunately I think most of these things are trial and error as every child is different and it is very difficult to forecast how they will respond.  What worked for the FC may not work for you, like most of this parenting lark we have to find our own way and I'm sure you will find yours.

love
Cindy


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