# I just want someone to listen and help



## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

Hello!
I am so low and really need to tell my story as I just don't feel there is anywhere to turn.

I have a beautiful 2 year old (2 years and 8 months to be precise.) he brought more to my life than I could imagine. He is wonderful and I love him more than its possible to describe in words.  There was a point I thought I'd never have kids through choice, but one day I needed to and so following marriage and then 9 months of trying I fell pregnant. 

It seemed like a long time but I was told it was average despite being one of the longest conception times amongst my friends. 

He not only gave me this wonderful existence but also a desire to have another. Just one more to complete my family.

When he turned one we started trying for another. You are supposed to be really fertile once you've had your first right? I remember someone telling me my second would be conceived quicker. I remember at my 6 week check being told that I'd have children really close together as I wasn't using contraception. Well, that's not true as a year post birth I hadn't fallen pregnant but that didn't matter as we weren't trying then.

And so 21 months of trying later and here I am still with no pregnancy. It's been a terrible road.

Not long after we started trying for the second, my periods became awful. They were heavy and every 2 weeks. There was always a day where I would pass so much blood so quickly id almost pass out. The first gp I saw prescribed something but told me I probably couldn't take if I was trying to conceive,I explained I was so that was that. Thinking I'd fall pregnant and it would stop we carried on trying.

However I didn't fall pregnant so a couple of months more of fortnightly cycles I saw a different gp. She performed a pelvic exam and sent me for a scan. She told me the best thing I could do was get pregnant as it would stop me having periods. 

I went to the scan which showed nothing. I was then referred to a gynaecologist. She found nothing wrong and suggested it was hormonal. 

I was then sent for a blood test which confirmed I was not ovulating.  Concurrently over time I'd been doing ovulation tests and they had never shown a peak. The results were difficult to get and I was passed between hospital and gp several times before being told the bad news.  This was just as we'd been trying for a year.

My husband was sent for a sperm test. He booked an appointment and delivered the sample.  The hospital destroyed it without testing it due to an administration error. A week later he did the same again.  It took over a month to get the results.  In actual fact, the results had been with the gp surgery for some time but they had been checking the wrong database whenever he had called for the results. We were told he needed to see the gp. She advised him his sample was borderline but didn't have a copy of the actual results so couldn't say whys she suggested he did another test in 3 months.

We were then referred to a specialist. I contacted the hospital after a month to check out the waiting time. They kindly offered to look me up and advised no referral had been received. It turns out the GPs secretary hadn't sent it through. I managed to get her to fax it and quickly received an appt 2 months away.

At this time I begged my husband to tell his family.  Mine knew but they are not local and his are and his mum had been through a lot to have him. I needed some support.  He didn't tell them.

A couple of weeks later, my sil announced she had accidentally gotten pregnant. It's her first, I should have been a better person but I walked out of the room and cried. My husband tried desperately to get me to go back in and I refused.  After she left he text to apologise for me and explained why I had reacted like that. Her reply was 'it Will happen when it's meant to.'

Since then I've seen the specialist and was prescribed 3 months of clomid. I went for a blood test after the first month and was told I Am now ovulating. I used my supply and felt awful.  Thinking it Was clomid symptoms And in need of more I went to the gp. He spoke to me like I was an idiot to think the clomid was doing this. He said my headaches were probably caused by the clomid but the other symptoms (hot flushes, nausea, weepiness)were all caused by a urine infection. I took abiotics and did feel a bit better. 

I am meant to have seen the specialist again but they have no available appointments and I have no idea when they can fit me in. 

My partner went for another test. When he booked it the gp who told him to have it. Asked why he was having another test. He advised her because she had told him to and she said that his results were actually fine.

He did the test anyway, this time he was advised that the results showed his sample was abnormal. The results given to him also included a copy of the results before which had never been passed to the specialist. The results for last time were worse than this and yet last time he was told borderline and subsequently fine and this time Abnormal. I have no faith in the gps at all.

So that is where I am, about to start my 5th month of clomid.

On one hand I'm lucky the  nhs are dealing with me but on the other I'm angry by their lack of communication, administration errors and the fact I'm just left to rot.

I am also becoming increasingly angry with my sil. I know I'm a horrible person for it but I hate her. She got pregnant with no effort.gifted on a plate and it's not fair. The second thing she said after telling us was 'have you got any baby stuff I can have?'  As her pregnancy goes on my anger and Upset gets worse.  It compounds my upset as she waltzed into her doctors and has had a host of appts thrown at her.  I have seen the specialist once throughout her entire pregnancy. That makes me feel worthless. Due to various family events I was forced to see her a lot recently.  The first time I really tried, 2 days later I got my period.  Thanks for the reward for the effort!
I saw her several times after that and I'm sad to say I avoided her and only spoke to her when she spoke to me and then i was abrupt and avoided eye contact. I'm less than complimentary about her and hate myself for the things I say to my husband about her, but it's like I can't control it. I remember the comment of 'is this part of a conception plan' when 1 year ago my husband took me away for the night.  Actually it was but she didn't know and it didn't work. I remember her raising her eyebrows at my mil on Xmas day when I said I wasn't drinking. She clearly thought I was pregnant, again I wasn't.

I am angry at my mil,who even after knowing we were having problems still said we should 'share' our baby things. How can I? Apart from the fact that we paid for them and so why should I, I can't emotionally let them go. Despite her problems, she offers no support because I have one already and therefore have no right to be upset. Her problems were with having her first. Her others came without any problems.

No one really gets secondary fertility do they? There are good friends who I don't hear from now either they too feel like my mil or are too scared to speak to me. Those who try to help either sound smug when they have more than one with there 'it will happen' comments or just sound clueless with there 'well there's always next month, I felt like it would never happen for me (took 3 months), I know it will work out for you' comments. Even when the support is there it offers little comfort.

Where do I go from here? I'm so lost and alone. I spend my nights crying and tossing and turning.  When I do sleep I wake up sweating having dreamt of my sil and babies. It's impacting everything in my life and I'm struggling at work. 

In a month the sils baby will be born. What do I do? There will be a family gathering I should go for my son and my husband but I have panic attacks thinking about it and I'm not sure I could stop myself from shouting at my sil.

I really Need some help. Thank you for listening.


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

huge hugs,

Infertility is awful end of, it doesn't matter who you are or what your circumstances are its sucks all the joy out of life. I'm sorry you're not getting more support from your family and friends. 

It sounds like you're suffering from a huge amount of frustration about the apparent lack of progress and continuity of care with the Nhs which may well be colouring your feelings towards your sil and her pregnancy. While you are getting no answers and referrals are going amiss she is sailing along happily and easily with her pregnancy and it sounds like you feel like its salt being rubber in your wounds. It's not her adult though, it's your situation that making you angry not her trying to wind to up maliciously. I agree with you about the baby stuff though and can totally empathise, just say no! If they push you on it just say that you have no idea how things will pan out or when you will get to use it again but that it important to you to hold onto it for your own child a that gives you a sense of hope and security, if you give it away now you will feel like you've been forced to give up hope and your not ready to do that. 

As for the doctors etc, your gp sounds rubbish, I don't know what your situation is financially but if you can afford it I would get yourself to see a fertility specialist privately for tests etc. many areas won't find you for fertility treatment if you already have a child so you may end up spending years being passed from pillar to post and no gettin anywhere to be told that you need ivf that won't be funded anyway so if you can if jump the waitin and frustration and just bite the bullet and go straight to a clinic! Others might disagree with me, but I suffered with the long drawn out process of the Nhs investigations for long enough and ended up on antidepressants to get me through.... (Although I do I've a history of depression before you start to panic!!) at least with going to a clinic you are straight away dealing with a team that communicate with each other and can coordinate with each other to give you an actual plan of action.

Sorry for all the typos I'm on my phone but didn't want to not reply!

Xx
Ducky


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

Thanks for your reply. I am trying to persuade my husband to pay to see a specialist but he wants to wait until the nhs have finished with us. I know they will not give me ivf. We will have to see if we can get loans for the process so I can see his reluctance. 

You are right. The situation with my sil is like salt in the wounds. It actually feels as though I'm being punished and I don't know what for. 

Thanks for understanding


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## gabiladybird (Aug 28, 2014)

Hi innnedofsupport,

i'm trying to have a baby after 8 years of giving birth to my gorgeous little boy and it's not easy. We also did all we could on the NHS and i share your frustration, there was one day when i could barely control myself when talking to the registrar who told me that progesteron levels had nothing to do with pregnancy!! really we've since gone to have ivf (icsi) and the first clinic did all the basic tests whereas the second (argc) did immune tests as well and they seem very thorough. only time will tell if it works... there are also places who offer a fertility health check with all the bloods and tests (no immunes) for around £300 i think, maybe worth a try.
in the meantime, i'm trying all sorts, such as healthy eating. I also suffered with UTIs and the worst thing i could do was to take antibiotics because it kills all the good bacteria and would just sweep the infection under the carpet till the next time. Try to cut out sugar and gluten for a little while at least and take acidophilus bacteria for it, it really helps.
you do have a lovely little kiddie, others are not even this lucky, that's what i keep telling myself and i do have quite a few friends who suffer from secondary infertility and also know women who are just popping them out! does make me cringe....
i know it's very hard to come to terms with but try not to think about not being able to have a baby right now, but think that you will have one soon. we all know stress doesnt help...
all the best, hope everything works out fine.   xx


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Hi,

One thing I will say which I'm guilty of. We started trying when my daughter was 2, she is now 7 and I feel that in the last 5 years I have been so consumed with trying for a baby and the emotional strains of it all I have missed my daughter growing up 

She has turned into a bright and beautiful little girl and it breaks my heart to think I can't really remember her getting to this age as my mind has been elsewhere. 

Trust me, I know exactly how you are feeling and I have spent many nights crying over the same things but please enjoy watching your little man growing up... Don't have the same regrets as me xxx

Big hugs to you and remember you're not alone xxx


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## lama321 (Oct 11, 2014)

Hi Ineedofsupport,

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I think it is especially hard around pregnant people. My friend got pregnant first go after I realised we had a problem and I cried. It is ok to feel what you feel.

I also wanted to tell you that it is not half as hard (in my opinion) being around babies as it is being around pregnant people. My SIL just gave birth (accidental pregnancy!) and it is not as hard as hearing about her pregnancy. Infact I am helping her with the baby so she can finish uni. I have managed to get to a place where I am able to share some of our baby things too although that is a bit harder and I certainly wouldn't have got there if I had felt pushed into doing it!

The NHS is very frustrating and I hope you get some clearer answers soon as that helped me. I was then able to form a plan of action. I am trying lots of natural things first before we look at even lap & dyes or IVF. It is really frustrating when you are not sure what you are dealing with.

I am also, like someone else recommended, just trying to enjoy my son I really don't want to miss out on him growing up and that is my main source of sadness that my grief over infertility affects that. How time flies with inferitlity!

Hope you are feeling a bit better,

Lama x


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## charlie321 (Feb 2, 2009)

Hi, I just had to reply. Been ttc for No 2 for over a year now and kinda knew it would take a while as my dd took nearly 4 years of ttc to arrive but I totally believed everyone who told me I'd conceive really quickly 2nd time round cos apparently the body knows what to do - turns out that's utter rubbish! And now I'm struggling with jealousy of friends having their no2. I haven't yet been to the gp as we both decided we can't afford treatment and I don't want to regret spending years trying instead of having fun with my daughter, but I'm approaching the dreaded 35yr age and in my head that's the date when my uterus is just going to fall our or something and I'm so sad that my dream is slipping away. I'm also a bit scared of going to the gp incase she says my hormones and eggs are totally useless. I did try the clear blue monitor but that was a waste of money as my problem doesn't seem to be ovulating, it's some 'unexplained' and probably incurable problem. Oh and stress doesn't help but how can you just stop?!


Over heard a friend moaning that ttc for No2 is taking "ages" cos it's been 4 months and no1 was conceived in the 1st month of trying. I wanted to throw something at her for saying that!



I hope in this somewhere you can relate as your post seemed to say some of the things I feel. (I think I'd hate your sil too!). I can't offer advice as my strategy so far is hiding when there's a newborn to visit, which I can't recommend as healthy. I do however try to tell myself that I shouldn't compare my happiness to others - I have to make my own. I hope that makes sense


Charlie


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## twinkletoesb (Sep 20, 2013)

Hi,

I feel your pain sending you big   xxx
its just so frustrating secondary infertility but I would advise you to seek advice from a private clinic as with us, it gave us some relief and we was able to move forward.  I went to my GP several times  within the first year of trying but they just said its your age and to keep trying but I knew something was wrong. i eventually persuaded them to do some blood work and a SA. I telephoned the surgery for the results and they said they were all normal and to keep trying.  six months past and I decided to go and see a private consultant, before my appointment  I picked up my results from the surgery to show the consultant and when he looked at the results he said 'there's your problem, your husbands motility and morphology are poor!'  I then went onto have my tubes checked and I was shocked to find out they are both blocked- i was devastated but somewhat relieved what we knew what we are dealing with. During this time my best friend conceived twice and when she announced her 2nd pregnancy i was devastated i was crying for about a week later but when I met her beautiful baby daughter  of which I was dreading I felt fine!  pregnancy announcements for me seem to be the worse. I also use to struggle with seeing two young siblings together, i would have tears in my eyes but this has now passed. for me, it has got easier to deal with infertility even though I feel time is running out but I'm determined to make it happen! I really hope you get things sorted soon and you start feeling better, I wish you all the best xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Inneedofsupport,

Firstly, huge hugs, and I hope things have improved for you and you're feeling a little better since writing your post 

It's very wrong how reactions to secondary infertility often end up making you feel guilty for daring to want to add to your family once you have a child  
I suppose it often comes down to the fact that infertility is still one of those subjects that others sometimes struggle to respond to 
In some ways I suppose it's the easy option for people to react by stating how fortunate/lucky you are etc. I'd imagine those who have never experienced the pain of infertility will see this as a positive way to react when actually it only makes things worse, and just ends up sounding heartless and dismissive, rather than positive and encouraging (which is how I'm sure it sounds in the offenders' head)   

I think the advice from P_willy above is very wise and extremely important (that must have been really hard for you to write, and so generous to share your story in order to prevent others experiencing the same ).
I know personally how 'all consuming' infertility can be, and it's so easy to lose months/years whilst you are weighed down with it all .

Infertility is an extremely hard and painful experience, no matter if it happens on the journey to be parents for the first time or on further attempts to add to your family (or both, as in many cases).
It's so wrong how struggles experienced once you have your first child are unfortunately often met with less compassion and understanding . 
I think in a nutshell it's hard to explain all the feelings and emotions to those who have never experienced infertility at all.

There's wonderful advice and support already in the replies above, but I just wanted to send more hugs and to say please don't feel alone, as there are so many members here who will know exactly how you feel 

I've added a few links to other parts of the site that may be useful to you:

Hoping for Another Miracle - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=153.0

Treatment Support - Ovulation Induction, Clomid & Tamoxifen - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=34.0 

Fertility Investigations - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=532.0

Coping with Infertility - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0
I wish you all the best and lots of luck 

Angie x x


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## MiniM (Mar 8, 2014)

Hi Inneedofsupport

I hope you are feeling a bit more positive than when you first posted but if not sending you big hugs.

We are struggling with secondary infertility too and have been trying for a 2nd child for 18 months now after having no problems conceiving our first. We have gone private and now know that I have a few issues (endo/adeno/potentially poor egg quality) but trying to remain hopeful and to influence what I can e.g. diet to improve egg quality.

If you can afford it going private may be worth it just to feel you are making progress and it would if course be necessary if you need IVF.

A few of my NCT friends have had second babies in the last few months and I have discovered that like twinkle toes i also find the pregnancy announcement worse than the arrival of the baby.

The advice from p_willy is definitely good and I am trying to enjoy our little boy as much as possible. 

I have joined the 'hoping for another miracle thread' as there wasn't a secondary infertility one and it is really nice to speak to other ladies who have one child and appreciate that we are blessed to have them but are still desperate to have another.

Take care x


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