# In need of moral support/Christmas Blues



## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hello everyone

I just feel I need to write this down somewhere, apologies for the huge post.

I know we've briefly discussed on another thread about LO's firsts with their forever family and how it can stir up some emotional turmoil but I'm feeling a bit blue today and just want a big forum hug.

Poppet seems to be getting more and more wound up at the min, she is her happy normal self 80% of the time but every now and again she seems to just blow her top and all this anger and upset comes pouring out. She doesn't have the ability to express what's wrong and she says she just doesn't know which I think is pretty accurate really, I don't think she does understand why she feels the way she does.

She starts off trying to be awkward about every little thing and will just purposely be disobiedeint as if she's really craving some negative attention, this builds up and up until she explodes into a screaming and hitting ball of fury. I've been correcting her and then cuddling her in and she just sobs and sobs. I think she gets upset with herself for doing it as if she just can't control it. I have to admit I'm not so calm and collected all the times and she really knows how to push my buttons and get a reaction and I can see how unproductive it can be when either myself or DH react badly to her behaviour so I'm trying really hard to just shower her with love and positivity whilst explaining it's not acceptable behaviour. We've gone through her life story book this week as she seemed to of just blanked everything out of her head and I felt she was struggling with the loss of memory of her previous life - this seemed helpful and she's since gone through the book again by herself. I know there's something eating her up inside and I just don't know what it is, I might never find out but I just wished I could help ease the pain.

Main two things I think that have contributed to it are Christmas and that I am going back to work at the end of Jan and we've started talking a bit more about it as I've been arranging to change my hours and arranging new uniforms etc so there's been general conversation between me and DH and little chats we've had with Poppet about it to try and prepare her for it. I know she's anxious about it she been able to voice that and I just keep giving what reassurance I can but until the time comes and we all adapt to the new routine and she realises that it's not too bad after all and Mammy & Daddy are still with her etc I think she will be worried about it as it's an unkown for her. I just know she isn't going to cope with it and it's gonna take  a lot of hard work and support to get her used to it but it's a necessity. If I could afford more time off work then I'd be taking it. 

Her little blow outs aren't quite as violent or as often as they were when she was first home and she can come out of them fairly quickly with a cuddle and the right reaction from us. It's just hard when we've not had any of this for months and now it's happening again, I just feel so sad seeing her go through it with little I can do to help other than trying to find the right words of comfort and lots of cuddles. A few nights ago was really bad and she was hitting herself on the forehead and leg which we've never seen her do before, she was just so angry and distressed it was heartbreaking. I ended up sobbing with her as she cried into me and said 'Me just so angry'. I'm now crying again typing this  

I know we've all got a tough few months ahead with Christmas and me returning to work, I just want to minimise the upset where possible. I am doing the right thing aren't I? I just need to show her all my love for her and she'll get through it won't she? I hate seeing her suffer


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Oh hun I wish I could give words of wisdom but I can't because everything you're doing sounds amazing to me.  I just wanted to send hugs because till you love a child so much and have to see them struggle feeling powerless to help you just don't realise how hard it is. Although I'm not there yet as a mum my nephew is disabled and gets physical pain and very upset with his limitations and it breaks my heart. So I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.  

I will say that yours and poppets relationship is an inspiration to me.  You're so amazing together and you are such a fabulous mum. She will work through her emotions with your support but it will take time.  Your love and consistency will carry her through loads of love and hugs x x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

First off   you're doing a great job really you are!

My LO is younger so doesn't get all the Xmas stuff but our routine is out slightly. He coping immensely well but we have 2 big upheavals going on similar to you - nursery settling & my return to work. I always planned to see how LO was by Nov and if I felt he needed it I would hold off my return til summer (thus 18mtgs at home with LO as I've a good policy). Most of this has been low or no pay. However hubby got made redundant in Oct so I need to return by Feb as we've are a lot if our saved money. He's got a new job in Jan but less money than before so I'll need to go back FT rather than PT too. Just hoping I can delay the FT bit.

I can see my LO struggling with nursery and my heart us breaking as it's not his fault and if there was I way we could work it we would.

Don't have any set answers but I really emphasise as all we can do is our best and help them as much as we can. I can see LO slowly regressing and we have had tempers and outbursts than we don't normally get but they're still not as bad as the first 4.5months. Poppet can tell you she's upset/angry which is great but other than wonder aloud with her, you all may never know. Do you think she recalls FC or at least knows she wasn't with you and that's causing sad feelings?

Do you think she remembers moving after Xmas so planting a tree or something that she knows she can see next yr helps permanence feelings?

Big hug from another going through the anguish x x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Thank you both for your support  

I feel a bit more together now I've had a good cry and wrote it all down, a problem shared and all that.

I think she was struggling to remember last Xmas but had anxious feelings when trying to remember it and I think that scares her. She has the emotional memory but not the actual memory if that makes sense? She gets overwhelmed with emotion but doesn't understand why and isn't old enough to rationalise it when explained. This is one of the reasons we prompted her to look at her life story book to try and help her remember and I think it helped a little. We've received a Xmas card from the FC today so will talk to her again tonight. 

I love the idea of planting a tree but don't have anywhere to put one, might get her a house plant as we don't have to worry about the cat eating it anymore seeing we sadly don't have her any more. There's also that issue that could be playing a part, we've all had colds AGAIN this week and she's always a bit rocky when illness is involved. 

Aw Gertie, what an unfortunate situation. It's awful having to go back to work isn't it. Thankfully I'm only going back PT at the min but money will be tight with that, just simply couldn't afford for me to be off any longer. It's killing me knowing I have to go back, she's my whole world now and I just don't want to be anywhere else other than with her. I think I've got a bit separation anxiety going on as well


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

The Christmas cold the most reliable winter exclusives for me.  Hope you're all fighting fit again soon.  It's never ceases to amaze me how much better I feel after writing something down x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Poppets Mammy said:


> It's killing me knowing I have to go back, she's my whole world now and I just don't want to be anywhere else other than with her. I think I've got a bit separation anxiety going on as well


Whole heartedly agree!! I miss my career etc but to me my lil man is everything and helping him is the biggest job I have for life! It's just unfortunate timing as we had enough of a standby account but in this economy we've been lucky it didn't happen sooner.

Ps the feeling poorly may be something to do with it but nursery having lots of "exciting" activities/parties etc is enough to send most kids hyper at this time of year without the panic the loss of routine does to our Los.
X
X


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

pm   I was in exactly the same boat this time last year with the added stress of work refusing to let me go back pt   a massive appeal listing all the problems bubba could have thankfully resolved the issue.  

We have had a flair up this year just after her bday we went to see fc and stopped for tea on the way home. Bubba was all over daddy and being horrid to me (usually me she takes things out on) ended up with her hitting my glasses half way across the shop and a flat lip for mummy and incredibly intense screaming and crying. Initially we thought she was over tired had been a long few days with party presents and general bday hype. But for days after she was really unsettled and when we thought about it we were matched shortly after her bday and she would therefore become aware of us at this time so was obviously trying to mame sense of what was going on, we are also moving house soon and she had heard us talking about moving and 2&2 didn't make 4. Lots of reassurance love and hugs

.  I find reading stories helps enormously with Bubba probably is a book about mummy going back to work. I wish I had loomed at the time. The moving house book was instant reassurance even down to her packing her own box.
You will work thtough it you sound like an amazing mummy. Take care xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)




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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

PoppetsMummy it sounds like you're doing a an amazing job, I guess that it's hard for our LOs to process all that has gone on in their lives before they came to us,Nimisha very early in to placement so can't offer any practical advise, however I know that during our training and all our SW meetings, they've said that it's always worth asking them for help, they may be able to offer some sort of therapy to help your LO to process that they've been trough even though they don't remember what happened, is this an option for you? We had a few adopters that came to speak at our training days and they said that therapy had really helped their LOs and ultimately their relationships. Good luck xx


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi guys and thanks for your replies  

Things seemed to of improved a little, had a really good day yesterday and a good day today, however things can seem to improve for a day or two then go bad again with these sorts of things so I'm not quite counting my chickens yet   Just very grateful to see my Poppet being her wonderful self.

AAA - Thanks and I don't know why I hadn't thought of books previously as we've used them and found them helpful with a number of things. I'm now all over choosing which ones to get  

Summer - Hiya, we are post adoption order so don't have the support of SS anymore which is no great miss in all honesty. When she had issues to work through before I got very little useful information from either SW when we discussed it and when they did have practical advise it was stuff we were already doing so still of no real use. I don't think she needs counselling, it's just general insecurity that adopted children can experience and whenever we've encounter such turmoil before we've always managed to figure it out ourselves and provide the reassurance and support she's needed to get through it. Or Poppets managed to work through what ever was bothering her herself without us ever knowing what was the cause. It's just when it's so raw for them and you are clueless as to what the real issue is you just feel helpless at times a d it's very hard to watch them upset. Plus knowing poppet she would not be impressed in the slightest if we had a stranger trying to provide some form of therapy, she was kicking the SW's out the house after a few weeks when she's had enough of them  

Xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Shouldn't there be post-adoption support for life?  I thought that was the norm (although through a different route than your/her SWer?)

You're doing a fab job, and this sounds very familiar and DOES get better, lots!  I think you'll find when you settle into your new routine, things will leap forward for you.  We found the 'angry stomp' helpful for healthy anger management when he was angry through grieving/anxiety:

"Have you got big angry feelings in your tummy?  Do you want to do the Angry Stomp with me?  Come on, then, it'll get those nasty feelings out."

Then we just get up together, stand facing each other, smiling reassurance, and do a cartoon angry stomp, shaking your fists and stamping your feet and going, "grrrrrrrr!" with an angry face.  Do it a few times and then talk about how much better it feels getting it out safely.

Often he'd just watch me and giggle, but sometimes he'd do it with me, and he'd always be better afterwards.  And as we did it, he'd start to ask for it if he felt bad.  We never do it now, I think we only used it over five months or so.  

Often I'd then suggest a quite boisterous, running about kind of game to follow up, trying to use up that fight-or-flight energy.  And going outside, whatever the weather, was always calming for Bug.

But we just used lots of repeated reassurance messages, especially if we were going somehwere.  ".... and tonight we'll all come home and sleep at your house again."


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