# 4th BFN.........Down but not out



## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies,

Firstly, can't believe my bad luck that I am posting here again. My OTD should be Friday 17th, but testing negative every day since last Thursday (yes, my name is Dee and I am a serial tester), and AF arrived yesterday. Monday was my worst day as I knew in my heart that if I was not showing a positive, then it was game over but I was not prepared for the waves of emotion that I went through.

I literally bawled my eyes out all day long. Eventually fell asleep crying in the afternoon and woke up still crying. I actually felt that my heart was breaking. I thought that the tears would never stop. I think that having such a terrible day actually did me some good as when I tested on Tuesday morning and it was negative, I knew it would be.

AF arrived late afternoon yesterday but even then I knew the outcome.

Why is this so difficult. Even my DH does not understand how it does not work. For each of our 4 cycles, we have created 'perfect' _(embryologist's words, not mine)_ embryos and put them back into 'perfect' lining and each time we have had the same outcome.

I really think that I need a change of direction and perhaps that means a change of clinic. I wrote the following post before I started this cycle and it still holds true.

************************************************************************************
*It's important to remember.....................*
As we embark on our 4th cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.

Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations. We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together. We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.

I picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts. We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then. But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have....................

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness.

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's.

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have? If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it? The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something. Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love. I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message. Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention. I'm going to enjoy mine. I'm going to enjoy my husband. I'm going to enjoy my friends. I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Dee,

I'm so sorry to hear your news, it is just so tough to take,    

I just wondered if you had had any immune testing done- we were very like you in that we had 3 cycles with great embies and great lining and BFN- which is just so frustrating, 
I ended up having loads of tests done and was found to have slightly high NK cells so this last cycle took prednisolone and finally got a BFP, If you have any questions please pm me,- I also had other tests done that for me came back normal, 

In the meantime snuggle with your lovely DH and lick your wounds, I needed a longish break after my november BFN, 

love Livity K x


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## Cherry17 (Sep 1, 2009)

Dear Dee   just wanted to give a big hug  and add to what livity said, here on FF we have whole board aboute immune testing and treatments, I was like you, perfect embryos and lining everytime but BFN, so I went immune testing route, I had my first ever BFP but unfortunately it was ectopic  anyway have a look here, especially at the immune FAQ
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=52.0


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi ladies,

Thanks for the replies.  I was on Prednisolone this cycle, but only 10 mg starting with stimming and then upped to 30 mgs from day before egg collection for 5 days.  Can I ask what strength and for how long you were on them?

Myself and DH were chatting last night and we are definitely going to have some immune testing.

We have tentatively decided on going to ARGC in London for one last ditch attempt.

Better start saving as I believe it can cost up to £15K if full immune treatment is needed.   

I think then, I would feel that we have tried everything.

Onward and upwards,

Dee


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi 

I had a frozen transfer and was on 20mg pred from about 10 days before ET and then untill 12 weeks preg, 

I think if you feel immunes may be the prob then ARGC is the place to go, my clinic would only use pred and I think if that hadn't worked we would have considered it too, 

Big hugs     

Livity x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Irish Dee   so sorry about your result    life is very unfair isn't it. Like the others suggest I'd certainly look into immune testing and also for hidden c...it's not cheap but might provide some answers x


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## Cherry17 (Sep 1, 2009)

Dee, I was on 20mg prednisolone, had intralipids and clexane, also I was on high dosage progesterone injections as my immune tests showed antibody to hormones, in my BFN cycles I've never made to OTD.HTH  also folic acid and vitamins B for MTHFR condition.


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