# February blues or hard moving on?????



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, i am a little confused at the moment and sorry for the me post in advance!!!

This is the first February in years that i have not been doing something regarding our infertility. Funnily enough these occasions were always February! 

1. first round of bloods,day 21 etc and dh's tests- Feb 2001
2. review app (after laperoscopy in Aug ) -February 2002
3. Beta blockers for stess review(because of above!!) and referral - Feb 2003
4. Finally private app-Feb 2004
5. 2nd IUI - Feb 2005
6. Getting tests for  miscarriage/clomid- Feb 2006

This year- zilch!!!!    So i wonder if i am associating all this with the fact that i REALLY am moving on. It feels awful -as if there is really no longer any thing to aim for and i finally have to accept my childlessness  

I was in really bad form all last week,very tired as well.I dont know if its all related to this. I should have been ok(as found out indirectly that my sister is not pg yet after 7 mths.)

I had a HUGE row with dh last night.I was really ****** off as .......

1. We didnt get out for our dinner on Fri night (2nd week in a row and i feel we need this as its the only time we get away from his dd while she is at mums)

2. DD lied AGAIN to us this week- something really silly and i really don't know why -it's as if she is a compulsive lier!!! The asked to get into town again on Sat day(we didnt know about lying til after this) and over to boyfriends that night. I refused to do the lift this time as i was going to cinema.Dh and her must have argued on way home re the lying!!! So bloody fed up with it all!!!

Yesterday- Sunday,i went to my mums for dinner.When i came back dishes left sitting about for me to do(not blaming dh on this as he cooks).I sat down with a glass of wine and dh and i ended up arguing about dd!!! I told him he better have told her that we were not dropping her out on Valentines night too as we needed to get out ourselves -even for a quick drink!!! I told him i was sick of never having time to ourselves. Then an add came on for babies and breast milk and i freaked out and thre the tv control away.He laughed (nervously i think) and i got up and threw the remainder (not much ) of my wine in his direction shouting  " Funny isnt it, funny bringing up your dd for 10 yrs!" well when she buggers off you are left with me !!!

I stormed off and then got another wine to have while reading in bed. 
I havent had a rant like that since Oct so i guess i am entitled.I did phone him to apologise about the wine but he is out on a trip.I am not sorry about the rest tho.I forgot to mention that i also said something about him driving her over to the boyfriends when we know wot they are up to with parents out!!! (a tad more explicit than that)However this time he spoke to the mum!!

So i am wondering am i freaking out about this all more because i now KNOW i am never going to have more treatment ever and that i have to face a different cycle in my life now that it is a year on.

Please help xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Irisheyes
I am so so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. You sound as if you are going through one hoop after another and not getting anywhere. I can read between the lines your pain and anguish and its seems as if you have alot of issues going on here.
I hope you do not mind me bringing this up, but it sounds as if you are carrying alot of anger. Not anger in (angry) but anger as in hurting. It sounds as if you have alot of sadness for your previous treatment and now feel at a loss of not doing another one. A feeling of what is your future all about?It maybe not about moving on, but maybe you are stuck because you are hurting so much. I hope i am not stepping out of line, but were you ready to give up treatment? Have you discussed things with your husband, at maybe looking at how to address your life and where you are going from here? Have you both explored other options? If no is the case, because this is not for you, maybe its about looking at your life and getting some help (counselling) to help your find some coping mechanisms. (I hope i am not sounding patronising).
I am not in the situation where i have a step daughter and i am sure it is so hard. I also see that it is a reminder of what your loss is all about. But your hubby and SD, cannot change that, but maybe there is some lack of support, or maybe they are a little apprehensive to bring up the subject?However, it probably won't come from SD as she is at that age, where only she that matters. What concerns me is your relationship between you and your hubby? He is one of the most important part of your life and maybe its time to maybe sit down and really communicate with him?
It sounds as if you have alot of fears bottled up about your sisters. This must be adding to your stress and putting pressure on your relationship. But we cannot always worry about the future, because its actually making you ill today Irisheyes. These thoughts as painful as they maybe are something that haven't happened yet? Its concentrating on 'You' and what you have and that is your hubby and SD. I can understand its that feeling of this is not how you wanted it to be? the loss of how life never went as you wanted it to go. I looked at my wedding photo today and laughed. Laughed only out of sadness for that woman who never had a clue, of what the years in front will bring? But i do realise i am sitting here to day with my hubby and he is the only thing i have got, that understands me...(and friends of course).
I think its time that you think about 'You'....and start being kind on yourself..i know you said about counselling and it wasn't for you? but even if you get a few positive things from it, it will help you. Maybe being able to be angry, get things off your chest will be a start..It sounds as if you are coping on your own. Our bodies and minds can only cope so far and then you will start reacting with anger, tears and then maybe depression will start kicking in .....
You must look after yourself...i am concerned for you..
lots of love astridxxx
p.s i am sorry if i sound as i am telling you what to do, but i care about you..I think you are so emotionally upset at the moment, that things are difficult to deal with..


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear Irisheyes

I am sorry that all this stuff is going on for you at the moment. To be honest I can't better anything that Astrid has already said.

Do you think there may be some resentment here for all the years you have cared for your SD? I understand in a small way how you can look back and think what you wanted out of life (a family of your own in this case, same as all of us here) has passed you by. Its even harder when the bloke that you love already has a kid because you have that constant reminder of what has been denied to you in your face all the time.

Your SD is at an increasingly difficult age and she is going to do whatever she can to push the boundaries and flout authority which isn't going to help the atmosphere at home. Perhaps if you and your DH could get away somewhere, or find the space one evening to sit down and have a chat without getting irate at each other - preferably go out somewhere and make a night of it if you can?

I have to agree with Astrid and say you cannot worry about the future because of the impact on today. And all the stuff that is going on there with you, it is impacting on you... and I hate to say this hon, its also impacting on those around you too, even if you don't mean for it to.

Sorry for harping on, but I really think you need to find a way to sit down with your husband and tell him without being accusatory or blaming him about how all of this is making you feel hon...

Love & a very gentle hug
Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dearest Irisheyes,

Your post ends with a heartfelt cry for help and reading it my heart goes out to you. I do think you need a lot of support as there seem to be so many issues, all tangled up together and each making the other more difficult to deal with. Your stepdaughter reminds you of the fact you have not had your own child, and this makes the job of being a stepmum even harder. IF has a big impact on relationships, and then trying to create a family with a father, daughter and stepmother is another pressure on the relationship. 

February does sound a tough month for you, so many anniversaries of going into treatment with dashed hopes for a happy outcome. Go easy on yourself this month, Irish. Yes, you have the February blues (horrid time of year without those anniversaries on top.) But yes it is hard to move on whatever the month.

I do not have stepchildren. But I was a stepdaughter and my brother was a stepson. Sometimes we hated our stepfather! And we were very difficult for him to deal with. We were teenagers, we were upset about our family breakup and my dad was a terrible cause of trouble. In a way we could not have been other than difficult! I do not tell you this to excuse your SD but to explain I know how fraught the step-relationship is. 

Sometimes the strain really got to my mum who was torn between us all. Sometimes she could see our point of view, sometimes her husband's. I think sometimes she felt guilty for failing in her marriage to our Dad which had resulted in us living with a man we seemed to resent. And I think she also felt guilty for giving the man she loved such difficult children to deal with! Maybe your DH feels very torn too. Luckily for us, all these years later P and I both get on well with SD and realise that for all his mistakes at the time he was trying his best. Unlike you, he did not have IF to cope with on top of it all.

Maybe it would help if you tried to separate the difficulties of being a stepmum from your IF? I know the 2 issues impact on each other and ultimately you have to deal with both. But it could help to reflect that your relationship with SD would probably still be problematic even if you had a child of your own. (Having a stepbrother did not make P and I any easier towards SD, in fact I think it made my brother feel more insecure in case he was valued less because mum and SD had a son together and SD's family made a big fuss at having a grandson at last to carry on the family name.)

Like you, I found giving up on treatment really hard and felt there was nothing in the future to be optimistic about. Like many couples DH and I dealt with it differently, as I suspect is the case in your relationship. I ended up loosing sight of the fact that DH loved me and I left. A long story, you have read some of it before here. I remind you now as I want to say you should avoid making the same mistake I did. I don't mean I think you are about to split, but I am worried you may temporarily loose sight of your love for each other. You are both under so much pressure. I think Astrid is right to suggest you need some good communication between you.

I am a bit worried when you say you "should have been OK" because your sister is not pregnant. I know it is tough to deal with other people's pregnancies and babies, but it is inevitable that people's lives will carry on and maybe one day your sister will be luckier than us. Maybe you still need some support to help you get to feeling "OK" in yourself, no matter what other people do.

Maybe Astrid is right and it is time to reconsider counselling. I imagine I might understand how you feel about it as I have had some poor counselling, but I also know of some very good counsellors who have truly helped people. There are different types of counselling too and a bit of research might help you find a style that suits you.

If you are very nervous about it, maybe you and DH could seek some support together? After all this does not sound like an easy time for him either and he might be relieved to get some help too. Maybe it would help not to focus on the word "counselling" and to see it as some "me"  or "us" time, as a chance to get the help you have asked for here. Honey, there is only so much we can do on a website, we can't ask questions and explore things in detail without enormous time lapses.  Quite often we have to read between the lines and our guesses at what lies there may not be right. Having to guess, we draw from our own experiences, as I have done above. This is why so often we reply to a post by sharing some of our own experiences. While it can be an enormous help not to feel alone, sometimes we need to focus on just ourselves, exactly how it is for us without the distraction of other people's experience. Maybe that is what you would benefit from now.  Someone who is there just for you.

Sweetheart, like Astrid I am worried that I may be coming across as telling you what to do, but like Astrid it is because I care. I have no axe to grind about counselling, I am not a counsellor or in therapy or whatever, I just feel that you do need support closer to home. It is a very tough place you are in as your IF does have all the complications of going through it whilst struggling with a difficult family situation.

Whatever you do next, please stay with us here. You are so valued as you are such a warm and caring friend to us all when we need to let off steam too. By the way, no need to apologise for the "me" post - we all do that from time to time, and as I said to somebody else recently, just reading of similar experiences is a support in itself, as we feel less alone when we realise we are not crazy to find this journey so difficult.

Much love to you

Jq


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi again,

Emcee posted as I was writing. I do think she has made some good points about having some time alone. Maybe you could start with that Valentine's date you mentioned. 

And I forgot the kisses on my post, so here they are!

xxxxxx

Jq


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thankyou girls so much- you are all so kind and your replies brought tears to my eyes!!

Firstly,on the issue of counselling I still havent ruled it out. I met with 2 friends recently(neither married but in relationships) and they have BOTH attended counsellors in the last few years. It made me realise that there are a lot of other people out there with issues(outside infertility).There are not very many fertility counsellors here that is the problem and is suppose this really is the main issue with me.I will keep the idea in mind and think it over.

With regards Dh, he knew that i had to get some issues out that night as it had been brewing for a while.We made up yesterday but didnt get to discuss things fully as of course dd was due home from school.We hope to get out tomorrow night and hopefully will get away next week over halfterm(altho i am involved in bridesmaids things which are arranged also).But i suppose we are more important.
I think dh has his own fears regarding me- ie that i will get sooo fed up with the whole stepdaughter issues that i will leave.To be honest i have thought about it but i dont want her to feel she has come between us.I fell in love with him and she came with the package- it was great age 5-13 as we got on great.With her mothers return it has all gone downhill.But it is so bloody hard.

JQ- i know he feels really torn also and that he is trying to juggle his love for me and for dd - i do support him on the whole but i get so annoyed with her for treating us this way. There is no point in going over it- i just hope she wises up one of these days.I know if she was both our biological child we might be going thru these issues too but i guess blood really is thicker than water!!!

Emcee- i think i have indeed become resentful of bringing up my stepdaughter. I was always there for her and cant deal with the way she is right now!!! I am very good with young children and i suppose no-one can prepare you for living with a teenager.Of course i always thought i would be!!!  Dh and i really thought we would have a sibling for her.What hurts also is that her silly mother has another child - a boy. DD was 7 when he was born and i suppose we feel resentful that she (as a terrible mother) managed biologically at least to have 2 kids when we couldnt!

Astrid, the wedding photo is a hard one,isnt it. I look at mine too and wonder why it was all so hard for us.It was a day so full of promises and wishes.And your point about giving up treatment was valid too. I was soo devastated after the iuis failed that i couldnt face any more. I think tho that if we hadnt started going thru all this with dd that we may have considered doing another iui or 2.But it was hassle also as our private clinic -very small nearly cancelled my iui before i did them(obviously not financially beneficial to them!!!) except i was adamant that they told me i could do it there.I would then have had to go back on the nhs waiting list for at least another year.The thought of that with dd issues made my mind up.I also now worry about downs and i really would find that so hard.My friends cousin has just had a downs baby and i am not sure i could cope with that 

i know i have so many issues to work through but with your help i will. If i ever feel as low as i did in 2005 i will seek help. At the moment i am surviving but i want to do more than that- i want to enjoy life again and be as close to the person i used to be as i can.Thanx again you GORGEOUS GALS!!!

.


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

QUOTE FROM IRISH EYES (sorry, can't get the "quote" thing to work .......)

At the moment i am surviving but i want to do more than that- i want to enjoy life again and be as close to the person i used to be as i can..

[/quote]

Irish Eyes, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I think the winter time generally makes us feels worse because it's so bl**dy dull and grey outside on top of the pain we're already feeling.....

I wanted to pick up on your quote above and I know I keep harping on about this (and I hope I don't patronise here given my current situ) but you mentioned before about the ChildFree & Loving it Book. Did you get a chance to get a hold of this? I really cannot stress how much it made me see that life CAN be enjoyable again and that you can do more than merely "survive" , much, much more.

The other thing I wanted to say was about your contemplating counselling. I know as Astrid says, you have considered this in the past but arent' quite sure if it's for you? Well, I've been to 3 different counsellors in my life. None of which I went back to thinking that "counselling per-se" just wasn't for me. However, since studying counselling myself at college, I have realised that there is so much more to it than just "counselling" and that it is SOOOOO important to get the RIGHT ONE. A good counsellor should be explaining their approach and justifying why they feel it is right for YOU. I never got this from any of my counsellors, I hadn't a clue which approach they were using on me and, feeling vulnerable, never went back as I just didn't think it was helping. Of course, in hindsight, this is probably because I never got a proper "referral", relevant to me and my needs ...

I really hope as the other girls say, you can take the time to look after YOU and re-assess what it is you really want in terms of "moving on".

You know we're here if you need us hun
All my love
Gill xi


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes,

There's a lot the girls have already said, but just wanted to add, that I know that in the UK both the BACP and the BICA (specialist fertility counsellors) can find you someone well trained and experienced in your area; is it worth a bit of research to see if there is something similar in your neck of the woods. Also wanted to add my name to the list of people who've had counselling. There is a lot of cultural resistance to the idea but you'd be amazed how prevalent it really is. I spent huge chunks of my 20s in counselling sorting out my messy childhood and the fall out from my 1st marriage. I know what I learnt then has made my infertility journey more manageable, and I'm just about to go back to see an infertility counsellor for a while to make sure I 'process' all the recent stuff with the miscarriages and the moving on decision properly. You would not be alone. 

Big love, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest Irisheyes

I just wanted to send you a massive   and to say I am thinking of you this evening... I can relate to so much you have said. It seems you have many different issues going on at once here, and I know how exhausting it can be having constant power struggles with a stroppy teen, this isn't going to help your equilibrium at all hon. My heart goes out to you.

I hope you have a nice evening with your DH tomorrow sweetheart.

Much love
Emcee x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx to the girls who posted after i replied.

Gill- i really must get that book.And dont you ever feel bad about posting!!!  or dispensing advice. You kept going til you got what you knew you deserved.My situation is just so different and had to make a decision to either leave a family(of sorts) and go it alone or give up forcing the baby issue when it just wasnt working and make the most of the "family" that i have.

Maggie Mae, i did actually look into the official sites for infertility counselling but there is only one official one here (350 miles away!!!!).I THINK there may be one attached to the main hospital here but they offer counselling firstly to people with the clinic at the moment.Otherwise there is a waiting list.

And Emcee, i KNOW you understand the teenager thing honey!!! I am not sure if we are def out tonight. If not will have wine at home and go out friday night.As long as dd doesnt ask to see HER boyfriend and we get to do nothing.Then i will freak!!! 

Thanx again girls xxx 

p.s i think my af is due so that may have had a LITTLE bit to do with my mad outbust!! The thing is since i stopped keeping track of it i have managed on occasion to forget when its actually due!!! Surely thats a good thing?


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Irisheyes
Can i suggest that its not only an infertility counsellor that understands about infertility. But you can find one that is empathetic and knows how to deal with loss and your emotional feelings. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment, she has not gone through infertility, but she is spot on. She seems to know how to relate to me, but doesn't proclaim to knowing about infertility. However, she seems to beable to identify what i am going through and we are working through things together.
I think it is about getting the right Counsellor, as Maggie May suggested. I have searched and finally i have found a good one. She practises from a humanistic approach, which incorporates empathy and understanding. She is able to rationalise my irrational thoughts, which is linked to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This is fantastic for dealing with worries and why we think in a certain way? It is about evidencing your thoughts and why you beleive in something. She relates to my loss and is great at identifying the impact of IF and how this has had an impact on my life. And last of all I feel safe and understood, it maynot be a remedy but it is helping me through a process that i am unable to deal with on my own. When i was put into contact with her, i needed to know how she practised and she advised me. I have talked alittle about a couple of the therapies. There are other types of counselling, but you cannot beat someone who practises in an ecletic way. So the counselling is tailor made to your requirements. I have seen two infertility counsellors one of them was awful. The other was lovely and helped immensely, but this one now is fantastic.
I hope i haven't gone on and talked you in a way that sounds patronising, but i think its something to think about? Infact i think its one place, where you can go in your life and talk about yourself and someone is listening..
I hope you have a lovely Valentines Night!!!

lots of love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx Astrid,one of the friends i mentionned is attending a cognitive behaviour therapist and really like her so at least if i decide to go i know i could go there. She is very expensive tho-£70 a session!!!! Is yours that dear? My friend is a consultant so she doesnt worry about the money side.

We compromised on Valentines Day- dh said he was really struggling to fit both me and his dd in. He knows that i am so stressed (as he is with her) but he doesnt want to do anything that will encourage her to leave and go to live with mother(she turns 16 shortly and could).While trying to understand this I sometimes feel dd is playing on it and that annoys me!!

But enough- we went for a drink last night(just to local golf club ) and agreed to let dd see her boyfriend while we were out.Dh drove her up to meet him,then came back for me.It is 45 mins each way so i suppose i should feel sorry for him.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi again Irisheyes,

Been away for a couple of days and came to catch up with you during my lunch break.

Good to see you are feeling calmer now and have had a little bit of time with DH. The cognative behaviour therapist sounds like a possibility if you can afford it.

Forgetting the date of AF does sound like a good thing! You must have moved on somewhat if you are not checking your undies every hour for at least 3 days a month!  

Take care,

Love Jacqui


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Definitely a   then on the knicker checking Jacqui!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Irisheyes
Wow well done with the knicker checking. My milestone is to forget about Egg Time and when to have  . That has been my biggest bugg bear!!!!!Getting there!
So well done...
you sound alittle calmer, i am pleased. I am glad that you are thinking about a counsellor? you have nothing to lose?
I have to say though she does sound alittle expensive...most counsellors charge between £30-£40...i think that is the going rate in this part of the world?Maybe if you look at atleast 6 sessions, longterm thats not too expensive, as it could be the best thing you ever did? and you cannot always put a price on your health? I know it is an expense, but it is about you and your life and having to live it with some peace of mind...
Thinking of you...
lots of love astridx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes

You made me crack up with LOL about your knicker checking thing - LOL! 

I agree with Astrid about what price your own health... having had to go privately for my recent knee surgeries I understand the cost of these things can be daunting - but hells bells girl, we're worth it, are we not?

Have a good weekend sweetie xxxxx


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes  ( as an aside, my mother is Irish, she's a Mcnamee from Co. Louth and I have green eyes)  Does that make us very long lost sisters?!!!!

Also, As a fellow stepmother, I'd be fascinated to know, would having a stepdaugher, and not being able to have your own child be connected if you were contemplating councilling?  I can add my name to the list of people that have had councilling.  I actually tried to give up smoking and nearly had a  nervous breakdown through it and told my doctor I needed councilling because of my failed IVF, but really I had other issues to do with my mother to sort out really and confessed that to her.  I went for weeks and never mentioned my stepdaughter because I had things to do with me (my parents) that seemed more pressing at the time.  Athough I certainly wouldn't rule out going again for talking about childlessness for round two.  Just talking to someone 'outside your circle' was incredibly helpful for me and I'd definately recommend it if you can find the right person.  It really does rank up there with looking after yourself, better than dentalcare etc!!!

My step daughter (17 1/2) has just lost her job, although she had weeks of notice, and in that notice spent her money on pointless taxi's headbands etc and when I got home today she had arrived penniless home from her mother's and wanted to know- could dad lend her £50 til she got a job and got paid.

  When she lost her job and spent her money on hairbands and taxi's when a bus would have come 15 mins later I felt like shouting at her and did say 'what are you planning to live on while you're out of work' to no avail.  So she disappeared with her boyfriend without saying goodbye to her dad this evening and he is feeling guilty.  ( think that guilt is easy to come by because he had two older sons who's mother threw him out when they were 3 & 5 and he hasn't seen them since).  But I'm furious with her because I tried to talk to her about 'what are you going to live on with no job' (never mind how are we going to pay our huge new morgage without your £25 per week contribution).  I told my DP not to feel guilty because this is what learing about 'rainy days' is about.  But I understand how he feels because she is a manipulative little minx and can make you think she is a poor little girl who needs Daddy to help her while she wraps him round her little finger, and a selfish, manipulating little cow ( and she cheerfully knows it) at the same time.  

I think I know slightly how you feel irisheyes, When DS was little, she was insanely chatty, attention seeking etc, and I could cope with that, for a while her feet were sweet enough to massage, then they got sweaty, we played games and then she started argueing about the rules, things got harder as she got older.  Now she's not my daughter, she's not my friend, she's something inbetween.  Now I'm expected to lay the law down because i'm the woman, but my law isn't really taken into account because 'blood is thicker that water'.  It feels like a thankless task that I want to run away from.  But also part of life's rich tapestry.

I'm warbling on now, just to let you know, I have a consumate liar here too and it drives me flip**ng mad but I know I was just as bad if not worse to my mum and stepdad in my day so maybe this is my punishment!!

All my love Ellie xx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes
Ive been a way for a week or so so missed your initial post but my heart went out to you when I read it.

I can't imagine how difficult dealing with step children can be.
I think that it is probably a constant reminder of your partners previous fertility and your lack of it as a couple and that's without all the added difficulties of step parenting.
I just admire anyone who takes on the step parenting role so much and I wanted you to know that.

Teenagers can be so awful. I see a lot of them in my job and sometimes I thank God they don't belong to me. Part of me though admires them as I was such a good teenager - studied hard, didn't get drunk or have sex. Come to think of it sometimes I think I'd be better off now if I'd done a few of those things at the time.

Anyway back to you. All the advice about counselling is true - it's very helpful. We are having counselling at the moment and it's been great. I think if you can it's good to do something which is affirming of you as dealing with IF can really eat away at your sense of self and your sense of womanliness without you really knowing it. You deserve to put some energy back into yourself and your relationship.

Lots love and thoughts Jo


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