# Baby #2 and different donor



## MelJane (Dec 22, 2004)

Anyone got any advice for me or been through the same experience as I am having trouble dealing with my situation right now.

Basically - used donor sperm to conceive DS in June 2005. We purchased sibling stock as knew we would like more children. Conceived first time on a natural IUI cycle. Had assumed that as we were treated in June 2005 the donor was identifiable.

Started trying again in Jan 2008 for #2. Had 2 cycles of natural IUI both BPN. Went for 3rd attempt on medicated cycle and when arrived for 'basting' they said that sperm was v poor quality and we shouldn't use it. Had to defrost last 2 vials of sibling stock, but got a BFP! However miscarried at 6 weeks. Absolutely gutted - not only dealing with loosing pregnancy but also now got no sperm left.

Have also discovered that the donor is actually anonymous (he donated pre-legislation) so there is no way of contacting him to ask if prepared to donate again.

Is anyone out there using a different donor for #2? And is anyone in situation where first child is from anonymous donor and other children from identifiable donor? I really really want to give DS a sibling but is it fair to put him in situation where he can't find anything out and his sibling can? 

Should we just be happy with what we've got and try and put all this ttc behind us? Am I getting too hung up on genetics as wanted sibling and DS to have both same mother and father? If we are prepared to use donor then what does genetics matter anyway?

Any advice gratefully received
MelJane


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi MelJane
SO sorry about your miscarriage and can understand your confusion about what to do now.  We have many families in this sort of situation in DC Network...where there are differences in either genetics or status between children.  My own take on this (and my children were conceived with different sperm donors about whom we have no information) is that 'difference' is manageable if parents are open in a matter of fact way about it, but are also prepared to acknowledge and deal with feelings, from one child or another, as they arise...just in the same way that parents have to manage other differences between their children.  Also consider the modern family...single, lesbian, reconstructed with half-sibs from difference relationships etc.  We have no evidence within the Network that these differences have any impact on the relationship between siblings.  If you are brought up together by the same parents then you are a sib. 
Have a look at the section on 'difference' in our Telling and Talking booklets on the website www.dcnetwork.org  and if you feel that having another child would complete your family, then I'd say go for it.
Best
Olivia


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