# what does success mean?



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i am really really panicking as i approach 42 years of age. i feel like a ticking time bomb. every time i see the message board thread heading '40 plus success stories please post them here to give us other oldies hope' has been added to i am compelled to look (breath held, hopeful) in the belief i will find some real hope. i feel angry and deflated and miserable when that thread is full of stories about people using surrogates or donor eggs- to me, these indicate disaster not success. i am glad for people if they are made happy by using donor eggs or a surrogate. really glad they are happy. it just seems not to be right to put these stories under that heading. please ( am i the only person?) can't there be a thread for 'people who are happy because of de/surrogates separate from '40 plus success stories' so we can quickly find the 'real' successes? it is stressful trying to find actual examples where people my age have success with their own eggs, and frustrating to feel hopeful when the thread about success is added to only to find it isn't 'real' . i have had one ivf cycle (bfn) and will be 42 before i am allowed another. 
my clinic think immune testing is a waste of time but i can't tell whether to believe them - i am desperate for 'evidence' in the form of success stories..


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Goldbunny

I am so sorry about your BFN.      I personally don't think you should not count DE or surrogate BFPs as successes because, for the people who have gone down that route, they are successes.  I suspect that alot of people over 40 who have had BFPs will have had them through DE as the rates of success with DE are obviously higher for our age groups than with OE tx.  However, there are definitely also cases of 42 years + having success with their own eggs - I know this because I am one of them (twice over - from a fresh cycle and a FET   ).  

Please don't panic - you are not over the hill yet. It is not that common to have a BFP from a first IVF cycle regardless of your age. I'm not saying that the odds of success with OE aren't low, but time has definitely not run out for you yet.  I remember how devastating my two BFNs were - and I am sure it is currently like this for you too - but I hope you will start feeling a bit more positive again as time passes. (I did).     

I found it really helpful between my cycles to focus on getting myself into the best shape possible.  This included getting as many tests done as I could after my second BFN - immune and other tests (see daisyg's list on the Investigations board).  My clinic didn't go for immune testing either but I went privately to another clinic before I started my third cycle and got it done in any case.  In the end, my immune results (and those of the other tests) were fine and although the clinic which carried out my immune testing gave me a private prescription for aspirin, steroids and clexane, I decided not to go down that route.  But I do believe that it is important to feel that you are as much in control as possible, and to take your own decisions, so if you want to explore the immunes option, don't let your own clinic put you off.  You will find lots of info on this site.

Please hang on in there.  Sending you lots of      to help you get ready for your next tx.   

Ellie


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## Audrey H (Mar 24, 2012)

Hi goldbunny,

As Ellie.st says "Don't panic" don't feel deflated and miserable, there is every hope that you will have your genetic baby  There are plenty of "real" success stories out there.

I really hope that you are sleeping properly and not stressing over this. I found this website ages ago and I think you might like to have a look at it. Here is the link to the success page - http://www.mothersover40.com/experiences4.html

It has real success stories of ladies over 40 who have had a natural child. There is also a penpal part where you can write to people who are wanting the same goal.

How did your FU appointment go? Certainly get the immunes tests and all the others that you think will ease your mind. They may be expensive but they will be worth every penny - you know that I wish you every luck and would love to celebrate your bfp with you 

I'm sorry that I have been wittering on to you about de in my messages, I really hope that I didn't help to make you feel down 

I certainly hope that my option for a baby is not a 'disaster', as I am only just hanging in here and would of course also have liked my own genes paired with my dh's but if we want 'our' baby then this may be the only way.

Hold tight goldbunny, you will get there in the end and I hope that the link to the website and the post from Ellie.st helps you to see that it really is possible

love, Audrey xxxxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

thank you ellie and thank you audrey, and sorry if i upset anyone in my complaint about not using oe - and no, i'm not sleeping well!, this morning i woke up about 5 ish i think, was on the internet for an hour or so then tried to go back to sleep, had some odd dreams, woke up again and looked at the clock it said 6:40, tried to look at the internet again but had a low battery problem so went to plug in at which point i realised it wasn't 6:40 at all, (that was the time my alarm had been set for last time i set it) it was actuall ten past 9. 
you are both angels for your caring responses to my selfish whinge! ellie i am so glad for your oe successes, and i am trying hard to get myself in shape before i cycle again. I think i lost a pound already. thank you for the     . audrey thanks for worrying about me and the link, i will check it out. xxx

i feel so hormonal this week i think it's my body trying to sort itself out from the treatment, well i keep shouting at DH about small stuff and we had a massive row about vitamins, and i feel sort of alloveranxious and a bit backachey. Giving serious consideration to having acupuncture, not because i necessarily think it will help but because 'doing nothing' is clearly driving me bonkers. 
xxx


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## Audrey H (Mar 24, 2012)

goldbunny,   you need to get some proper sleep and give yourself a rest form all the worry.  I can't imagine that you have upset anyone and if you have then they clearly don't understand the trauma of ttc.  (There see, who here wouldn't understand that).

It's a good thing to get yourself into shape, it will have plenty of good rewards, weight loss (which you have already started), toned thighs, and strong muscles to carry your newborn baby  

I'm sure that it is your hormones playing you up and it's so easy to get upset over the smallest of things when your mind is constantly thinking about babies and not getting enough rest.

You sound as if you need a massage, so get yourself down to the beauty clinic and book a relaxing massage in a candle lit room and you will instantly feel refreshed.  The acupuncture is a good idea too, it does help, I love it.  Get your self booked up for both.

Take care of yourself and certainly do not feel guilty about wanting to read success stories about oe, that is something that gives hope to everyone.

Lots of love Audrey xxxxxxxx


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## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Hi Goldbunny, Like the other ladies have said "Don't Panic" there are ladies over 40 who have had OE babies, you can look at this thread to see the success stories at a glance of the table on page 1

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=180386.0

It is listed so you can see easily who had a natural pg, an IVF with OE , IVF with DE or even Surrogacy to achieve their dreams

I know I think a pregnacy regardless of its conception method is a success story regardless, aslong as they have the happy outcome at the end  

I wish you every success on your journey          

Shelley xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

> i feel angry and deflated and miserable when that thread is full of stories about people using surrogates or donor eggs- to me, these indicate disaster not success.


i would have loved to have had a baby from my own eggs but that wasn't meant to be and i had a lot of grieving to do, still have, and i would rather not think of my gorgeous little boy, who i am overwhelmed with love for, as a 'disaster'


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i was careful to make the point that the use of donor eggs was a disaster 'to me' , in my opinion, and that i understand that other people do not feel the same way.


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi gold bunny

I know what you mean.. I can't contemplate the DE route... it's just choice.  

Either way... You need to rest up and take time to grieve and get over your last cycle. It's perfectly natural to want to investigate and analyse, but it's very recent. Give yourself time...  I did 3 fresh cycles in 7 months last year and it's taken it's toll...  

Xxxx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

goldbunny, i can understand your pain and upset about this, believe me, i didn't find it easy but i did feel quite hurt by your post. probably more how you worded it rather than your sentiment



> so we can quickly find the 'real' successes?





> only to find it isn't 'real'


is my son not a 'real' success'? is my son not 'real'? is an over the moon mummy or daddy given a child by surrogacy not a 'real' success? to those mummies and daddies that have been through so much and gone to those lengths and spent years trying they are the most 'real' successes i can think of and i don't think it would be that much of a hardship to read through a page of 'successes' to find out which ones happened to be OE, DE, surrogacy or whatever they may be. to 'segregate' even further would certainly marginalise and make it feel like DE or other options were somehow some kind of failure when they are far from that to those experiencing them


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## Chandlerino (Nov 30, 2011)

goldbunny

The PP is right DE is a choice - my cons suggested that route if my current cycle doesn't work but for me with 2 friends having natural conceptions at 42 and 43, and a mum at school just giving birth at 43 I see no reason why it cannot happen for me. Ok, so I don't get as many eggs as a youngster but I can get pregnant and will eventually...... There are plenty of people in their 20's and 30's who have unsuccessful cycles. 

Also some of those that have gone down the DE route have had specific fertility problems - it really depends on a lot of things. I don't, however, see DE as not being successful - it has fulfilled a dream for many to ecome parents.

My first cycle at 41 didn't work but who is to say that subsequent cycles won't. Keep the faith - you will know if and when DE is right for you.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

yeah i see your point - and i'm sorry if i hurt you - in my 'defence' it was about 5 am and i was a bit stressy when i posted it - i did deliberately not put it in the 'successes' thread though because i didn't want to get in the way of people celebrating.. and my labelling my post 'what does.. mean?' rather than 'de is crap' i was admitting that it was a situation with multiple views... i can imagine in a couple of years if i haven't managed to have an OE baby i might feel differently about using DE, and probably have to eat my words...


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

i hope you don't have to eat your words. i do still wish my little one had been from my own eggs but i'm amazed at how much i love him. i was VERY worried about it but i'm so overwhelmed sometimes it makes me cry. i didn't have the money, or the emotional resources (or the time, re: age) to keep going for years, affording pgd etc to possibly, maybe, hopefully still find an egg that MIGHT work and i wanted to be a mummy sooner rather than later so i made that decision, difficult tho it was, to switch to de, and now i'm possibly the most content i have ever been in my life.

however it happens i hope you get there. it's all tough this old nonsense, and i so wish it wasn't.

thank you for your apology.

GG x


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Each to their own gold bunny. You are entitled to your opinion .  

It's great for all those who've gone down DE route, but it's not for everyone. Including me. 

Lots of love goldbunny and don't be so hard on yourself   xx


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## nevergiveup1 (Mar 23, 2008)

Hi,

I may have used a surrogate but my own eggs were used and they are over 40.

I now have my own biological child. My surrogate is pregnant with my biological child that was created with my egg that is over 40 years old. So in the fact that she is pregnant with an egg that is over 40, this is a success that it is possible to get pregnant with an egg that is over 40!!

I would definately have gone the donor route had I not had success using my own eggs.

Anyhow I do feel that when people post about success after 40, they are talking about using your own over 40 eggs and therefore even if my surrogate carried my baby, the eggs are mine and are over 40.

I see this as a huge success. And to all ladies who used donor eggs, technically they cheated the biologocal clock! But success comes with the love of a child and happiness after infertility. I would have done it in a heartbeat! Especially after the number of failures I had!


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## nevergiveup1 (Mar 23, 2008)

And when this baby is born in October.
I will be trying again with my eggs at 42 for a sibling. I believe my eggs again will work.
It is hard trying over 40 with your own eggs. I have an fsh of 14.68 on my last cycle.

It appears that my eggs are fine at this age.

But your first cycle wasnt a success. 
Doesnt mean the next one wont be. It took us 4 cycles to get a sibling. It was hard and I thought because I was over 40 it wasnt going to work.

So far I have done 14 rounds of IVF!!!!!!!! That is a disaster!! But if all goes well in October I will have 2 genetic children with the help of a surrogate.

I have an 18 year old daughter who I gave birth to. I do not everyday think, or even remember being pregnant or giving birth.
My 2 year old daughter who is my genetic child too ... I dont ever think about the fact that I never actually gave birth to her!!

This has been a very very long hard journey for me!! I hope you dont have to go through the journey that I have been!

I hope it comes to you in the first 3 rounds of IVF... But to some it is a lot longer and harder.

But my story is a success to the ladies out there who have done many rounds, that it can work and you can have a genetic child after 40. If a wonderful lady helps you carry your baby and you have the priviledge of going through a cycle with a surrogate because my womb doesnt work then it is a success.

I have a beautiful 2 year old and we are expecting a little boy with my own aging eggs!! This is a success.

every baby is a success in the eyes of the mother!

The first failure is the hardest. Grieve. I found planning the next cycle was what helped my to move on.

Doctors told me that I needed a donor and that surrogacy would never work with my eggs!!

Good luck on your journey.


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## ducks34 (Jun 6, 2012)

Surely, success means being happy and at peace with the outcome, whatever that result is. 
Good luck to us all in finding this place.


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