# Can't believe this is happenning and I am even asking this question!



## Han2275

I am 25 weeks pregnant and heart broken to find that DP and I are slowly falling apart  . I amdepressed and anxious and we are making each other so unhappy! We moved to Ireland just over a year ago and I am finding it very hard to settle and we have drifted apart. If the worst does happen we both want to try and stay amicable for the children and share our parenting like we always have done. This obviously means me staying in Ireland which fills me with anxiety as I know I would just want to be back in the UK with my family close by. As much as we say we will always be kind to each other, I am also very aware how thing can get nasty.
I just wondered where I stood legally with all my children? 
DS1 is genetically me and DP is not on the birth certificate.
DS2 is genetically DP and she carried him but I am also on his birth cert.
This baby is genetically DP but I know I am legal mother as I am carrying it.
We had all our treatment through a Uk clinic

I can't believe I am even having to think about this stuff


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## ♥JJ1♥

So sorry that you are going through this but you have been unhappy for a while throughout this pregnancy when you post and it must be so hard for you in a country away from your family. I would ask Natalie ff lawyer as she'll  be able to advise. there are other couples on this thread who have split up in a similar situation take and good luck xxx


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## Me Myself and I

Han2275 said:


> I am 25 weeks pregnant and heart broken to find that DP and I are slowly falling apart . I amdepressed and anxious and we are making each other so unhappy! We moved to Ireland just over a year ago and I am finding it very hard to settle and we have drifted apart. If the worst does happen we both want to try and stay amicable for the children and share our parenting like we always have done. This obviously means me staying in Ireland which fills me with anxiety as I know I would just want to be back in the UK with my family close by. As much as we say we will always be kind to each other, I am also very aware how thing can get nasty.
> I just wondered where I stood legally with all my children?
> DS1 is genetically me and DP is not on the birth certificate.
> DS2 is genetically DP and she carried him but I am also on his birth cert.
> This baby is genetically DP but I know I am legal mother as I am carrying it.
> We had all our treatment through a Uk clinic
> 
> I can't believe I am even having to think about this stuff


Dear Han,
I cannot (and wouldn't) offer any legal advice as I am not a legal bod and that sort f stuff is always best left to the professionals, as they know their stuff and can advise on a case-by-case basis.
What I can do, is say that I truly feel for you. This must be such a difficult time for you, the children and the family as a whole unit.
You mentioned Ireland and your family being in the UK. My only real advice at this stage, if you truly decide it is irreconcilable, that not assuming that you need to remain in Ireland maybe the best approach to take. Travel between the countries is not difficult and in the short-medium term, you probably need to be around a good support network of family/freinds for this huge change in your lives and the arrival of the new baby. 
Sometimes, with difficult choices, knowing that there are people around is more comfort than anything, so please don;t assume that you are emotionally ship-wrecked in Ireland, as that doesn't have to be how things are and to result in you all not having opprtunities/access to the children, whatever happens.

Good luck and try not to stress too much.


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## flipper123

Han I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear things seem to have got harder for you, I can't offer any legal advice but would agree that talking to the legal adviser on ff would be the best place to start. I really hope that you can work things out xx


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## kandykane

wow Han I'm so sorry to hear this - you've given me good, kind, advice several times and I'm really sad to read this is happening to you and your little family    I can't help from the legal point of view but have you thought of ringing a small solicitors for some initial advice? The one in our village has one evening a week where you can have like a free initial consultation and basic advice, then if you need him to actually *do* anything (write letters etc.) you just pay for that. Might there be a small business like that near you? (or near your family in the UK and you could ring up one day when DP is out?)


Big hugs


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## single.mummy

Hi Han
I am so sorry that you feel so low that you are now considering these options. Have you and you DP discussed returning to England? Is she not open to this? I would certainly consider you returning to England, particularly if you were to separate, for support in the early months with a newborn. It does not sound like you have the family support where you currently are that is so important in those early months.
I do hope that you can get the information that you need to help you all to move forward. Is this something that you have both discussed? Does your DP know you are feeling this low?


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## TwoBumps

Oh gosh, Han, I'm so sorry things are so bad. Again, I'm afraid I can't offer any advice, other than don't assume you must stay in Ireland. You've only been there a year, so whilst it might be your DP's home - it certainly isn't yours and your children's if you don't want it to be! X


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## BecsW

Oh Han-I am so sorry to hear how things are and I really hope they improve. If you want to chat pm me and I can call you if you like? I would def ask Nat Gamble her advice so at least you know where you are legally and I would also keep all options open, don't feel that you must live in Ireland, returning to the UK has to be an option that is open to you too. Would DP be open to going to couples counselling to see if a mediator could help? Thinking of all of you xxxx


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## Han2275

Thank you for all your support ladies, it means so much!

DP and I have certainly not given up but I am just thinking ahead!
We have done a lot of talking over the last couple of days and I have made some massive realisations! I am quite a controlling person and realise I have very much been in control of our relationship for many years, especially since we moved near to all my family and friends 7 years ago. This side of my personality has been very much exacerbated by our move and complete turn over of our family dynamic. I have realised that the more I smother and try to control DP, the more she resents and dislikes me, and I dislike myself. I am working very hard at remembering what I enjoy about life and 'letting go' of DP, and in return she has been a much kinder and loving partner. I am off to England tomorrow for a week with the boys. DP was going to come but we have decided that it would be best for her to stay instead. A bit of time apart and some time for me to just be me. I have lots planned with my sisters and best friends and I just need to work at not constantly wondering if DP is missing me!! 
Lots to work at but I am hoping we will both come through this much stronger individuals and a happier couple with our boys and new baby.
Thanks again for all your kind words xx


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## Han2275

Hello all,

Well I am very sad to update that I asked DP to leave on wednesday. I got back from a lovely but emotional week with all my family and friends and made every effort to be relaxed and calm when I got home and not rush DP into have big deep and meaningful talks as soon as I was back. DP put the boys to bed and then said she needed to talk. She said she had had the worst week ever and just felt sick with anxiety everytime she thought about us. She said she hadn't missed me and wanted to try staying in the spare room. I basically told her that was a completely pointless thing to do as just having space from each other at night achieved nothing. I told her that if she wanted to see how she felt being apart from me then she had to leave. I think she was very shocked by what I was saying (I was too to be honest!) but she left that night and went to a friends. I was working at 10am the next day so she returned at 8am. We had both had equally awful nights with frequent wake ups with that horrible anxiety that makes you physically shake! We all had breakfast together and then she took boys back to her Mum's with the plan to stay overnight with her as I was working til 9pm. I popped in to see my friend on the way home as couldn't bare the thought of going home to an empty house. Eventually went home about 11pm and then had a call from my big sister. I slept ok but of course woke up at the usual time that DS2 would be in to see us, and I swear I heard his bedroom door. Guess I'm just so used to that noise in the morning. I felt quite strong and relaxed this morning and got up and blow dried my hair and put some make up on. DP dropped DS1 at school and brought DS2 home so I could take him to toddlers as usual. She was very tearful and said she still thinks we can do trial seperation under the same roof and wants to talk about it more next week. I know I have to stay strong on this one! I have said we are not to text each other at all and only to call to discuss stuff like arrangements with the boys. I actually felt a great weight off my shoulders just being myself and not having to think about anything she is doing or constantly looking at my phone for a nice message from her. She was crying that she didn't know what to do with herself all day. I couldn't believe that so many of our issues have been around me being controlling, and now she had a whole day to herself without me having any say in any of it, she still didn't seem to know what she wanted! She came back at 4pm to collect the boys as I am at work tonight, and I made a meal for us all. It was ok but I realise that for some reason I actually feel worse about myself when she is around me. I just don't know why! She is working saturday and sunday night so she is bringing the boys back at 2pm tomorrow after I have had a bit of sleep, and they will be with me all weekend. Thankfully the boys are very used to us not being around at regular times because of our shifts so they don't think anything of the change. It is also not uncommon for them to have days/nights staying with Nanny so thankfully they are oblivious to anything at the moment. 
This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done and I just wish I knew how it will end. I hope more than anything that DP realises what we have to lose and we can work things out. I would also love for her to agree to have some counselling together so we can talk together with an unbiased 3rd party. At the moment we are obviously talking to our own family and friends seperately. I am trying to be strong and I have the most wonderful family supporting me. I am constantly on a rollercoaster of feeling ok about things and then in sheer panic about the future,especially the arrival of this poor innocent baby!
Thank you again for all your support xx


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## Kezza78

Hi Hans, 

I really don't know what to say other than I think you are a very strong person. My heart goes out to you an I hope you and DP can sort things out. xx


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## Monkey07

Sending you a big hug Han and thinking of you as you go through all this xx


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## flipper123

Sorry to hear things are so difficult Han, I hope things work out for you all, take good care of yourself xx


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## ♥JJ1♥

Han I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Take care of yourself and the baby so pleased that your family are supporting you  through this. x


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## single.mummy

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Han. As you say, your boys are oblivious to what is going on, so this does give you the time and space to try and work things out for the best for all of you. I do hope your DP comes around to the idea of counselling so you can discuss it further with a 3rd Party. 
Hugs.


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## Mish3434

Hi Han,  I really admire your strength, I really do hope you can both work through this awful period and come out stronger as a couple at the other side.  Take care of yourself and your boys    

Shelley xx


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## BecsW

Han,
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you at this time and truely hope that you and DP can find a way forward that makes you all happy. You are a strong woman with good family and friends to support you, lean on them (I am including us as your friends here too of course) as much as you need. Sending you hugs and much love xxx


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## Han2275

Thank you for all your supportive messages  

I spoke to someone at Nat Gamble today and they were so lovely. She pretty much confirmed what I knew:
DP has no legal rights over DS1 but we have equal rights over the other 2. Of course it is never that black and white and any court would look at the best interests of the children as a unit. Let's just pray it never comes to that!!


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## Han2275

Hi ladies, hope everyone is well. I'm in a bad way :0(. One of my sisters has come over to stay and we have taken the boys away for a long weekend to the Giants Causeway. DP didn't want to come with us and has gone is currently in England visiting our best friends. Being away has made me realise how terribly depressed I am. I can't relax on a strange environment, or find any pleasure in doing new things. I don't want to eat and I could just sleep forever! It hasn't helped that the weather isn't great and DS2 is full of cold and very clingy, and DS1 was vomiting yesterday. I am tearful most of the time and just have this horrible empty feeling. We are going home tomorrow and I have decided I'm going to see the GP on Monday to see about going on some antidepressants
My dad is very keen for me to go over to England ASAP and have a proper face to face appointment at Nat Gamble. I am going to see how things are with DP when she is back on Monday evening. She remains in the spare room and doing her own thing socially. I don't know whether she doesn't want to help me through all this or doesn't know how to so this is her way of dealing with it all. My older sister is starting to get really mad and thinks I should get tough with DP and tell her I'm not living like this anymore. I just don't know what to do. So scared of losing my boys!


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## shenagh1

Xxx


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## flipper123

Hi Han
So sorry to hear you are feeling so low I hope the gp can help. I really hope that you and your DP can work things out but in the meantime look after you, your boys and bump  you seem to have a very supportive family and it won't do any harm to seek legal advice.
Keep in touch xx


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## Candy76

Hi Han, I am sorry to hear how things are going with you two. From what you are describing it seems as if DW is pretending she never left Ireland and as if the last 10 years didn't happen. I very much do hope DW will agree to see a councillor. You as a family have gone through a lot of changes (moving country, getting pregnant, having different people around you). Something has obviously shifted and brought the balance you had out of kilter. If DW will not see a relationship councillor, she might be bringing herself to see a councillor to understand what it is that has changed from her point of view. As whatever it is, it's making all of you miserable. And whereas I hear you saying your boys are used to both of you working shifts and being there are different times etc, I hate to say it, but they will still be picking up on the atmosphere (even if they are not talking about it). So, would DW see a councillor for the boy's sake? If DW doesn't figure out what's wrong, neither of you will be in a good space and your boys will suffer as a consequence. Is this a message, that you can somehow bring through to DW, even if its through 3rd party?

I have seen my sister and her boyfriend split up when my niece was 1-2, she had nightmares afterwards and it is horrible to watch a child in a situation like this. Therefore I am a bit passionate about it.

I really hope that once your new child is born something is shifting again, this time for the better. (Not saying a child fixes things!)


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## welshginge

Hi Han - been thinking about you loads. So sorry things aren't getting easier, sending a big hug your way. Hopefully the GP can refer you to talk to someone, have a good think about taking ani depressants as they are hard to get off once  you are on them - I found it very hard to get off them although they really did help at the time.


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## BecsW

Han-I am thinking of you hon, it all sounds so hard. I hope the GP is able to offer some helpful ways to manage this difficult time and keep leaning on your wonderful family and friends too-we all want to help as much as we can x x x


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## Han2275

Well DP returned from England on Monday and I am desperately sad to say our relationship is over! She feels she cannot get her feelings back for me. We have lost who and what we were. I am miserable and she knows I can't bare to think of my future in Ireland. I am a bag of mixed emotions: grief, anxiety, panic, numbness, guilt for the boys, and just exhausted! Planning a week on my own in uk with my family this weekend. Have told DP I have spoken to solicitors. Hoping to get a proper consultation while in England. Oh god how did this all go so wrong!!!!


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## flipper123

Han I'm so sorry to read you're message, I can't even begin to understand how you must be feeling but I'm glad you have some time with your family and a chance to see a solicitor. Please look after yourself and keep in touch xx


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## Mish3434

Han, Sorry to see this has ended as it has.  Huge hugs to you hun, I know how I felt when I divorced and I had no family nearby and we didn't have the extra pressures of having children   .  I hope you manage to get some good advice from your solicitor in the UK xx


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## Monkey07

Sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts Han xx feel free to PM me here or on ** if you need a rant etc, if you and the boys fancy some time by the Devon sea you are more than welcome to come join our mad house  xx


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## welshginge

Han - I was just about to send you a PM then saw your post. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please look after yourself & feel free to talk to us (or PM me). I'm probably better with ******** than on here so feel free to request me if you want. Lots of love to you, the boys & of course the bump x


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## ♥JJ1♥

Han so sorry this has happened and just before you are due to give birth xx


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## Louie34

Han I am really sorry to hear about this. My heart goes out to you and your family. I do hope that you have had chance to spend some more time with your family and to get some legal advice. I have never been through anything like this but just wanted to say I am here to listen. X


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## Candy76

Han, thinking of you


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## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥

Hey Han -    I'm so sorry to see your news, My heart goes out to you.    You must be feeling dreadful.    A similar thing happened to me when i was nearly due our first but we worked it out. 


Strange country and being without your family must of been a real strain on you. Have you been to your doc? You and the baby need looking after    big hugs


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