# hi im new



## zane (Apr 4, 2006)

Hi my name is Evie,

I am really glad i have come across this site,i dont really know where to begin,so please bare with me.
when i was 17 i had a cyst that ruptured on my ovary i was admitted to hospital to have the cyst drained and removed,at my follow up appointment was told by my gynae that my falliopian tubes where very badly blocked and damaged and that it would be impossible to get pregnant naturally.im now 33 and spent many times in and out of hospital having all kinds of tests laparoscopys,dyes and tubal surgery,i meet my partner justin 11 years ago,and 6 years a go we decided we were ready to start a family,we new this wasnt going to be easy so started to get the ball rolling,we was told that ivf was our only hope and that we could get funding from the NHS if we went on to there waiting list which was a 3-4 wait,we were very lucky to be called after 9 months to say we could start treatment.

we were very excited,nervous and didnt stress ourselfs out to much about what the outcome would be,we took each day as it came.we had lots of blood tests scans before hand to make sure everthing was ok to start and justin to had to his bit ,bless him.

All was ok,i started on brusilen injections daily for about six weeks,then had to have more for a further 3 weeks and the regular scans,we sailed through the treatment no problems,from our egg collection we had 23 eggs removed and fertilised,we were left with 14 perfect embryos,we had two put back a few days later and the rest were put in to storage for use at a later date if we needed to,

2 weeks later went back for the pregnancy test and oh my god it worked first time we could not believe we are going to have a baby or 2,but a scan 2 weeks later confirmed that there was 1.little heartbeat beating away so tiny so magical to see.
in the following august i gave birth to a beautiful baby heathly boy weighing 8lb 7oz,name Kai Zane he is an absoulte joy and i love him to bits.hes now 6 this august.

In march last year we decided to have an FET and again it worked,how lucky are  we and  again a scan 2 weeks later confirmed just 1 embryo had implanted and was fine again so magical to see the tiny heartbeat beating away again.
we have 3 embryos left which are now in storage
My pregnancy did not go to well,i started to have bleeds after about 13 weeks on and off and each time they got worse,my care was awful no one knew why i was bleeding and the lack of communication was awful to between hospital staff,and was always told all was well and that my baby was fine i that i should have no problems carrying on to full term.

when i was 25.5 weeks pregnant on the 14 september 2005 i had spent most of the morning up the hospital with more bleeding and backpain only to be discharged saying i had a urine infection,when i got home 40 minutes later i gave birth to my baby boy on the sofa i was in so much shock the paramedics helped so much and rushed my baby off to neo-natal has he was still alive,but sadly he died he lived for 40 minutes and they really tried to help him but he was so weak they could not get him stable enough,he was and is absoultly beautiful we named him Elliott he weighed 2lb,our lives have been torn apart from our loss.i am so proud to be his mommy and so proud hes my son,i love him so deeply and miss him so so much the pain and heartbreak is just immense i can not believe hes not here with us.

i have had some fantastic support from people and from the sands site,

but i know that i will never ever replace Elliott and do hope that one day i can give both my boys a brother or sister,but no its not goin to easy i have 3 embryos left to use but so scared i know it may never work again or may be wont be as lucky as i have been for it work both times.

i guess what im trying to say is that now im feeling the full extent of being infertile and not coping at all with it,i dont know how i am suppose to feel,i know that couples are not so lucky,and that i am so blessed to have my boys,its so hard now,and feel so much for people who have to go through this time and time again you are all so very brave,and am so sorry to you all and i will keep my fingers crossed for each and everyone one of you on here trying for that most precious gift.

Sorry if i have rambled on but i really feel so low,i just hope that someone understands where i am coming from has i dont feel able to talk to anyone else about this.
i still also feel so raw with the greiving and loss of Elliott,

thank you for reading my post,hope it makes sense.

Evie xxxxxxx


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## Essa (Feb 13, 2006)

Hi Evie

I really do not know what to say after reading your heart rendering post!  I can't imagine the heartache you and your partner have been through, and are still going through following the loss of Elliott.  What I can say is that there are some wonderful ladies on this site who will support you the best they can, and I'm sure there are some who have had similar experiences.  

Unfortunately I cannot give advice or begin to understand.  I have yet to be successful with my treatment (have had 2 fresh cycles which were positive but miscarried and a negative FET), but I am staying positive that it will work.

As you say you will never be able to replace Elliott, but I hope you can look at your other beautiful boy Kai Zane to know that there is hope that you will have another child.  

My thoughts are with you

Essa xx


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## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Evie,

I have just read your sad, sad message. I understand that you don't want to talk to anyone about this, there's nothing worse than talking to someone who doesn't understand is there?! I understand your grief, I too lost a baby boy at 21 weeks. We named him Ryan, he too was beautiful. He was only 1 Ib 3 oz. We held him afterwards and held a funeral for him. It breaks my heart to hear you delivered your baby on your sofa after your ill-treatment at the hospital. I can't imagine what that must have been like. I knew our baby was going to be born because I was induced and was in labour for 8 1/2 hrs. Our baby had a lethal disease which was found at our 20wk scan.

You never get over the loss of a baby, that baby grows inside you, totally dependant on you. No-one can ever feel the love you feel for the baby. I think about our baby every day. He was due on 5th April 2002, so tomorrow is a kind of anniversary for us. He would be 4 now. I don't have any other children so I don't know how it feels to cope with the loss of a baby when you have other children around, I expect it is extremely difficult as everyone will expect you to be more at peace with the situation as you're blessed with a healthy child already, but I suspect that isn't the case. A loss is a loss, regardless of the circumstances, the grief is so raw and painful. We will never get over the loss, but time eases the pain. I know it's an age-old cliche but it's true. Every anniversary is a terrible time for me, from people trying to say the right thing, but not, to the people who are so close to you and forget that day.

I too have blocked fallopian tubes, detected Dec 23 2005 from an HSG. My consultant thinks they have become blocked as a result of an infection I contracted since the loss of our baby, although I never had any pain afterwards. Ironic isn't it? If it's not raining, it seems to be pouring.

Just wanted you to know you're by no means alone, I know what it's like to lose a baby and suffer IF.

I hope you feel a bit better for knowing we know what you're going through.

Sharon-L    xxxxxxxxxx


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi evie
i now telling you how sorry i am for you wont help  with ur loss 
but i do hope you find some support on here , we all need to rant so come on join us 
i know ur loss is still raw for u but looking on it from a posative note how good to here the ur treatment worked 1st 
     
steph


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## zane (Apr 4, 2006)

Hi all its Evie again thank you for making me feel welcome its a big comfort knowing that im not alone.

i also should add has my post seemed to be a bit long i didnt put the reason why we lost elliott,i had sufferd a placental abruption and gone into pre-trem labour and that this could have been picked up on if my care had been a bit more better,we spent a lot of time with Elliott after he was born he did not leave my side for 2 days and we went to see him everyday in the chapel of rest before we held his funeral,

The last time we did see him was awful.knowing that i would never see,hold touch or kiss his sweet head again or smell his sweet smell if only they could put his smell in a bottle.

Me and my partner have talked about having another FET but to be honest im so scared this will happen again if i did get pregnant,and not sure how i would cope if the treatment didnt work has we have already had 2 postives,and dont know how long i should wait to try again,

my head seems to be all over the place,

Thank you again for welcoming me,it means such alot you all seem like lovely people.

Evie xxxxx


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

Hi Evie,

I have just read your post and it honestly brought tears to my eyes! you have been through so much! I honestly hope we can make you feel better here and from me there is plenty of babydust coming your way!!
Love sailaice


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Evie  and Welcome to FF

Unfortunately I cannot give advice or begin to understand. I had a M/c at 13 weeks and that was painful, this must be a million times worse,
I can only suggest that when you feel stronger you will be ready to have another FET, I feel that by posting here with us you are gaining some control over the next steps to take, I wish  and  for whatever you decide,

There are a few ladies on here who have lost babys during the second/third trimesters and so you are not alone, there is a pregnacy loss board here which you may like to post on, also a forget me not board. I will leave the links.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/board,12.0.html
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/board,99.0.html

Whatever you decide to do there is a place for you here.

~Dizzi~


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi evie and welcome to ff

Thankyou for taking the time to tell us all about what u have been through - i do not have the words to express how u must be feeling?

I hope u find some advice and support on this wonderful site

Kate xx


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