# donor and recipients matching characteristics?



## sandee2002 (Jun 24, 2003)

Hello,

I am in a dillema. LMy local fertility clinic have found us a donor. Unfortunately her eye colour hair colour and background are very different to mine. I really wanted a child that would have some of my characteristics. Having people question her colouring being so different to mine in the future haunts me. The characteristics are nothing like my husbands either. I am thinking of waiting until a suitable donor comes along. Has anyone eles been in this situation??

Sandy


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## Bronte (Jun 20, 2005)

Hello Sandy, 

We have had lots of tx with DS and often used a donor which wasnt a great match.. Its really difficult to know what to do and you need to feel comfortable with your decision. The reason we often went with donors who were not great matches is because of the time scale in waiting for another one.. If your clinic has an abundance of donors then you can pick and chose and possibly wait for something more suitable.. We have never been in this position with donor sperm and have waitied for up to 8 months once for a donor who turned out to be ok but not the best match in the world.. This may not seem a long time but when your hanging around waiting to be matched it feels like forever.

Have you asked your clinic whether their are any other donors suitable and if not how long will you have to wait for another match..  You may have to compromise on a few characteristics and if you can do this it may be worth telling your clinic what these are so when they look for matches they take this into account..  It is really difficult to get every single characteristic.

Good luck

Bronte xx


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## Ginger (Jul 17, 2003)

Hi

It's a tough decision for you to make, especially if there is an agonising wait for a more suitable donor.

I just wanted to share my experience with you. 

I was lucky enough to have a pale skinned, blue eyed redhead donor, just like me ..... and guess what. James has dark blond hair, green/olive eyes and sallow skin!! Nothing like either me or DH (dark skin, brown eyes). But he is the image of his Dad, and nothing like me (naturally) but as he is so like his Dad people don't notice how unlike me he is. Those that have commented that he looks nothing like me, or ask "where did you get him??" get a big smile from me, and I respond "Isn't he just gorgeous!!"

Good luck with your decision - whatever you do it will be the right thing for you and your future child.

Ginger xxx


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## wolla (Jul 19, 2004)

Sandy - just wanted to add my experience to this.  We thought we had a great match when we went for our 2nd DIUI - blond hair, blue eyes, 5'10 - a perfect match for DH.  When we arrived at the clinic we were told that donor had achieved his 10 pg's and we were offered an alternative - brown hair, hazel eyes, 5'6.  It was either accept this donor, or go home disappointed and wait goodness knows how long for a better match.  

We went with it, and now have a gorgeous son who has - blond hair and blue eyes (obviously he's not 5'10 yet though!!), but doesn't look like either of us.  

My point?  It's a lottery - you could wait for a perfect match of brown hair, green eyes (or whatever) and the resulting baby could have bright ginger hair and brown eyes.  I know lots of couples who I know have conceived naturally, and their kids look nothing like them.  

It's a hard one - and I know I wasn't in the same position as you as it was DH who had to make the final decision.  If anyone comments to DH that Thomas doesn't look like him (which in reality doesn't happen very often - most people just aren't that rude) he either says 'yeah, he takes after Wolla's family' or makes a joke about me and the milkman - typical man!!

Good luck with making what's a very difficult decision, and with the rest of your journey.

Love
Wolla
x


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## Ginger (Jul 17, 2003)

Oh I forgot to add that there has been the odd comment about HOW like my side of the family James is ...!!! According to some he's the image of my brother when my bro was little, and is v like my nephew at the same age. Those are the comments that leave me speechless.

I think some people see what they want to see, and I like that too.

Ginger xxx


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## sandee2002 (Jun 24, 2003)

Hy Ginger, Wolla and Bronte,

Thanks for your input, it has really helped. I had made the decision to phone to cancel our TX. In hindsight, I will be more realistic next time. I emailed my clinic and asked how long I would have to wait, they couldnt give me a time frame. They have donors now undergoing tests etc etc. I also emailed the clinic and said It would be unrealistic of me to ask for all the boxes to be ticked.  I told them I am more flexable ie height, hair colour etc wasnt a factor. Only as a result of reading all your helpful advice. 
Really thanks as I have not had a chat with others in my situation, thank goodnes for FF.

THANKS
Sandy


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## Dr Kate (Aug 11, 2004)

Hi it's so interesting to hear other people's experiences. My son (from donor eggs) was an excellent match on colour etc and he is pretty middlingly fair -brown haired(like his dad) and green eyed (like me). He is the image of DH which has helped me a lot. V few comments at all. But even I think he looks like my brother at the same age- quite bizarre and coincidental of course...

but true nonetheless. 

He looks NOTHING like me, but he's fabulous and gorgeous and...what more can I say.

We are about to do it all again - different donor of course. I wonder what mix of genes will get - if it works of course- and only hope that the outcome is just as good. You just never know with genes!

Kate
xx


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## Vivaldi (Mar 29, 2008)

Hi, very interesting reading everyone's stories. We had a good match for sperm (DH's height, build and hair colour) and eye colour to match mine (hazel), and DS born 2004 looks NOTHING like me at all, with brown eyse that don't match me or DH! (and it was obviously my egg!) and everyone said he looked like DH. Both DH and me think he looks nothing like either of us, but I think people see what they want to see when the baby is born. I've still no idea why everyone has to comment anyway, but they do. I also know people with kids who look nothing like them, or who have siblings who don't look like each other, so I agree it is a lottery on what they look like, despite a credible 'match' on paper.

This time around we had a good donor sperm match for DH (same hair colour, eye colour, build, height) and I am intrigued as to what this little one turns out like...

Unfortunately the original donor for DS had reached his 10, so unable to keep any for a full sibling. It breaks my heart, but I know we are very lucky at all to get donors after the law changed, so as long as we explain this to our kids later on, what else can you do??

I still worry what this baby will look like (my egg, donor sperm), but not as much as the first time. I am so thrilled that we have a DS at all, and pregnant again with No 2 that does it really matter what they look like when the family unit is secure and the kids are loved and told about their origins??

Vivaldi x


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## nvb (May 31, 2008)

Hi ladies. My DP and I have just made the decision to go down the donor sperm route and I have so much to learn and so much I want to know. Just came across this thread and it's made me smile so much as it's one of my biggest concerns.
Obviously one of the reasons we fall in love with our partners is for their physical attributes and I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking my DP is the handsomest of handsomest   so when we found out that we couldn't have a biological child together it broke my heart that our baby wouldn't inherit his beautiful long eyelashes,perfect lips and manly jawline (that would be for a boy clearly!!!! ) We have an initial appt at the end of the month to start the matching process and I did have very defined guidelines of what I wanted but after reading this thread and listening to DP's mother, I think I have relaxed them somewhat. Like you all said, who knows what you would end up with even if the child was biological....it could look like my grandma (poor bugger!) or DP's Uncle (think the factory owner from the Simpsons with the huge eagle nose....can't think of his name!) so it's probably a blesing in disguise  
At the end of the day, our child will not be loved any less based on looks alone. I'm sure even without DP's genes it will end up taking on most of his (rather annoying) mannerisms and be just like its daddy!
My close friend has 2 little girls and the first is a perfect mixture of her and her DH...dark curly hair, dark eyes, slim and petite. Her 2nd is a blue eyed, ginger haired bruiser!  
nvb xx


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## sandee2002 (Jun 24, 2003)

Hy All,

What an eye opener. I echo what vivaldi says as long as the child is brought up in a loving enviroment thats all that matters. We are intend to tell the child of its origins if we are lucky enough. Its great to get others thoughts on this subject. It has enlightened my viewpoint.  nvb you did make me smile........it really is a lottery wether naturally conceived or a donor that has gifted a child. 

Sandy


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