# Thoughts on thoughtless family?



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My daughter has been home 7.5 months and my son has been home for 3 months. I'm from a large family and all of my siblings have made efforts to meet them who physically can (one sibling lives abroad and circumstances are such that I would never expect him to make a special trip back). Some siblings live 100-200 miles away. 

I have a brother who I used to be close to until he met his wife several years ago and, don't ask me why (because I don't know) but when they got together she really cut him off from his family apart from my parents. She doesn't like me and never has and has poisoned him against me me more than anyone, although no one is 'in favour' particularly. As we're the same age whereas my sisters are all 8-10 years older I think I bear the brunt given she feels more equal with me. It's just how she is and we can only assume she's terribly insecure and feels threatened by her husband having a few sisters. We very rarely see them even though they live in the next town but when we do see them (pretty much annually!) we just sort of behave civilly and leave it at that. There's never been an argument or falling out, he just pretty much 'divorced us' and 'married' her family and that was that.

We saw them before we were matched and had a really nice time with them, really natural and thought we were getting somewhere. They were really supportive and when we did find our daughter and sent updates to everyone during contact and pics my brother responded positively.

Then....nothing. In 7.5 months and living a few miles up the road, they haven't bothered to meet her, or my son whose been here since November. After a couple of months of her being home I texted and said it would be nice if they met her - my thoughts being maybe they were 'sensitive' and giving us space. Bro said they were off on holiday and we could meet when they got back so I left it in their court but never heard back. It was a bit of a dismissive text really. I didn't chase it because frankly I had enough on.

One of my sisters is really not impressed and has told him several times he needs to meet the kids. I think my parents are appalled too but they would never say as would not get involved, my sister mentioned it. He and his wife announced they were expecting at Christmas and I sent a congratulations but got no reply. He has told my sister he will visit once his arm has healed (broken before Christmas). His wife can drive a car!

I'm just really hurt and offended to be honest and when / if he does eventually text and ask to meet I'm not sure what to do. I was all for being the bigger person and HAVE been the bigger person since the start of their relationship; his wife has been utterly rude for years and I've bought her birthday / Christmas gifts and never even had a thank you in previous years, but as time goes on I think why should I?!

He treats his family like dirt and just expects to get away with it. You can guarantee when their baby arrives they'll expect a huge fuss from everyone. 

I sort of want to say something but at the same time cannot be bothered, I don't need the hassle. Maybe I just won't bother to meet their baby until it's a year old as couldn't be bothered to drive 25 minutes in the car!

P.s. And they do 'get' adoption as my sister has adopted too and he adores their kids and is very sensitive towards them so it's not just ignorance unfortunately.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

MummyElf
I'm flabbergasted! Really hard to understand why your brother and SIL would be like that. I'm afraid I have no advice, just wanted to say I feel for you. 
Sounds like you have a great family otherwise, what a shame. They are missing out so much, have you tried talking to your brother quite frankly and asking why he doesn't see you since he's been with SIL? 
It's not fair on him to be deprived of his sister, but sometimes people can drift along under the influence of their partner and not be fully aware of what's happening. 
Best wishes to you 
GG xx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

OMG i could have wrote that!

I have exactly the same situation with my DHs brother and SIL. They adopted a child 9 years ago and we expected them to be excited and really supportive. They met the kids 3 months in (3 bloody months!!!!) for 15 mins, didnt seem I treated and haven't bothered since. It infuriates me, so me being me and being pee'd off I sent him a message telling him that we really hoped he would be a part of our childrens lives, and we can't understand why he doesn't appear interested but we are feeling very disappointed with the lack of interest and support. This turned into a little bit of a row between him and me, and it turns out that his life isn't that great the moment so we are not his priority and that we should just get on with our perfect little life and our perfect family....so you know what I have put it down to jealousy. We have 2 children, a boy and girl, they hoped to adopt again but it didn't happen, we have a nice house, good jobs I really think this is the issue. And you know what...that's fine, I have come to the conclusion that the only people missing out are them, my kids have everyone and everything they need, if they don't want to be a part of there lives then that's  there loss and I am not getting frustrated or upset about it any more.

Consequently, although they didnt attend the celebration hearing they were invited to, they have suggested we go out for the day with them on Sunday...so what I said may have given some food for thought.

My advice, it's his loss not yours, if you have to force people to to be involved with your children then question if you really want them to be involved.

In the meantime enjoy your kids and rise above it x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys. Its not so much that I want them to be involved as know that's asking 'too much', but not to have even MET them when DD arrived last July and they live a few miles away....that's what stings.


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

My bro in law and partner live 3 miles away from me and my DH. before BIL met partner he was always in our childrens lives. when he met her, the visits became less and less. then she fell pregnant.  and after that, nothing! the only time they contacted us was to make up the numbers for their daughters bday party. so i told them no, sorry. if she had left it at that, it would have been fine. but no. let me clarify they have always turned down party invites to our sons parties. turned down offers of us visiting to see them and our nieces, never bought our sons bday/xmas presents, we have them.  we bent over backwards to involve.them and their children, but you get to the stage of knickers to it. so we said no! massive text war from her. the upshot we havent seen our nieces for over a year now. they havent seen their nephews either. it is sad but sometimes you have to draw a line under everything and cut your losses. my children have 1 nanna who adores them and 1 grandad. there lives are filled with friends children and school buddies. just not much of a family. at some point you have to just


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Sorry stupid phone. at some point you have to learn when to quit. and fill your lives with people who do appreciate you and want to be around your children. and screw the others. It is sad, but im afraid thats just how families can be

hugs to you all

xxxxxxx


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## tigerbabe (May 26, 2011)

Just saw this message and didn't want to look and leave. Although I don't have the exact same of what you are going through I know how hard it is with family we have on my side and my DH side of families that have decided not to bother with us a few years ago through no fault of our own they just stopped communicating and we realised we were the ones always going to see them always giving them gifts etc with nothing back a lot given and nothing reciprocate. It has happened with former friends of mine too and it is really sad that things come to this. I think what a lot of the other ladies think that it is their loss and remember you have out a lot of effort in and none returned and what does that say about them at the end of the day they will realise eventually what they have missed out on and through fault of their own and not yours. You have a loving family friends and now your own family and that's what's important in life not people who don't care.xx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Big hugs mummyelf 
I don't always have the easiest relationship with my brother, but mainly because he is so needy and I don't agree with all their family decisions. But I know that they are behind our journey. couples go through so much that we don't know about and who knows what is going on in his life.
I would focus on the family support you do have, the rest of your family sound amazing. I wouldn't bother trying hard, it's their loss, and I wouldn't make a huge fuss when their baby comes along. You have your own LO to focus on at the moment and they are enough of a handful and in the future he may actually realise what he has lost, let him come to you. 
Now under the circumstamces could you trust him to be nice if he came and met your dd or ds, without upsetting them? They have been through enough and don't need the hostile environment.
Families you can't choose them unfortunately!!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

thats sounds really hard and upsetting   and you have plenty enough on your plate with 2 littluns without dealing with this.
you have been the bigger person and tried but maybe you just have to accept that he doesn't need/want you enough to put himself out. I wouldnt join in the big fuss when his bundle arrives, you can be polite, send a card and small gift to show you still care.. but dont you go putting yourself out more than that when you under enough pressure yourself with your young family. When you put too much into people who give nothing back theres comes a point where you have to say 'enough' and I think perhaps you have got there
 


kj x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you very much everyone for your supportive replies. I took the bull by the horns and confronted my brother about it today and he has responded positively and apologetically. We've agreed to leave the past behind and move forward. I'm not expecting miracles but it's a start and I'm glad I said something to him.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I've just read your thread and wanted to stop by firstly with   and secondly to say how pleased I was to read about a positive talk with your brother. I'm hoping you can rebuild your relationship for all of your sakes


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks Lolly. I'm close to my family and hate fall-outs so this has really been upsetting me. I'm hoping we can start again and leave the last few years behind x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Great news MummyElf I hope things move forward positively for you all


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