# Secondary infertility daily messages



## emilycaitlin

It's good that recently a lot of members have begun to post frequently, so I thought I'd set up a board especially for it, and here you are!!

Good Luck to all the secondary IF members!     

kelway 
linchick  
sarylou 
suszy 
keira 
maz 
gabrielle 
Honeyprincess 
TC2  
pip34 
pand 
kazvan 
emmyloupink 
jakesmum 
lainey lou 
kitty 
jo 
sazz  
drownedgirl 
mrs chaos 
missyb 
Debbie1810 
bel 
cinders 
clairead 
hollie22


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## sarylou

Thanks Hun, 
Hope we are all OK today-yay no school run 
Isn't the weather beautiful today? It was another rough night here (surrey) and my neighbours fences got blown down again-they only put them back up yesterday morn   
Ive got my patio door wide open and I'm having a spring clean-in Jan lol what peculiar weather we have.

Just a thought shall we post a few piccys on this thread and introduce ourselves a bit more
Can we post piccys? i will double check.

I'm Sarah and i live with DP Keith in surrey with ds Jordan 8 from prev relationship. 
I work as a nursery nurse Tues and weds for a girl with special needs-shes deaf although i leave that job on the 7th Feb to take on more hours with my other job as a community carer. Which i do Mon, Thurs, Fri and weekends plus some evenings too. 

We have a dog, Casper border collie x german shepard, who is 10.
2 cats Maddy the mummy aged 3 and mini the baby aged 2 in April, at this moment in time they are tearing round the house-think spring is def in the air lol. 
We also have a dutch rabbit called woody. who is causing us no end of trouble at the vets at the moment  Oh and several tropical fishes. 
Quite a house full. 

Thats it from me for now, over to you ladies. xx-xx
some piccys apologise if they are too big etc im not very good at this  








jordan as page boy in nov for me dad and step mum. 
will put more up later when ive scanned them in xxx


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## sarylou

casper the dog









This is the trout jordy caught us for tea on holiday


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## SUSZY

Great idea EmilyCaitlin and many thanks
hopefully the others will join us.
Sarylou - both Jordan and Casper look lovely.
Well this is a picture of me and Jasper (and your dog is called Casper Sarylou)
We live in Cheshire and have a very nice life except I am all consumed at the moment about the school run and the fact that the people I used to spend time with in the week are now off busy doing other things and hardly talk to me.  I feel isolated and left out and just wish I knew more people near here that I could meet up with that felt like I do like the ones on here.
Its so painful and lonely espcially when we have all been on such epic journeys as well.
I am mourning the loss of all my hopes and dreams of the last three years sitting with various different toddler groups and watching each and every one of them talk about trying, then trying, getting pg, having the baby and now the babies are toddlers and more. Although have not ruled out completely not having another our only chance really is by egg donor which is a lot to get ones head around and to be honest the way I am feeling now I am not sure if I could cope with it all.
Really think we should get some pets but my little boy has asthma so have to be careful which breed.
Thats about all for now, look forward to seeing Teena and Kelway on here and any new ones too.
Take care
love
Susie


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## Mama Smurf

Hi Girls, thought Id join you hope thats ok 

Susie and Sarylou of course you know me already from November Newbies  on Girl and Boy chat  

Im 34 and have a Ds who is 12, he has special needs as a result of being born a month early and suffering a bleed in his brain. However, he is such a happy boy who loves Spongebob Squarepants at ther moment! 

Looking forward to getting to know everyone. 

Linda xxx


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## kelway

hi everyone, good idea emilycaitlin, thanks. welcome aboard too linda. sarylou - jordan is a lovely looking young man! you must be very proud (i know you are!). susie - sorry to read your son has asthma. i am also saddened to read that it is really getting to you the lack of baby No. 2 issue plus the other mum syndrom (which i have come to call it). i am more jeckle & hyde really as i have bad days and not so bad days (emotional wise) - some days i simply dread collecting mert from nursery, otherdays i feel neutral; i never want to go to her nursery, today i was in 'angry' mood - i stuck my head in the air and refused to make eye contact with ANY of them, you know, the usual daily nodd/acknowledgement look that is expected of you, i ignored them all which is foul really as i am so eaten up with jealousy whilst they must think i am a snob (i live in essex and am one of the few who is not local/i don't have the essex accent) - i am not a snob actually but i can see why my quietness maybe translated as that. tomorrow i have ANOTHER (yawn) appointment with nice gyni man to see what he thinks of ma cd21 bloods (should i go on a higher dose of clomid or not). i have posted a picture of dh & mertical (i couldn't do it so got dh to) - good idea of saylou's as nice to see/know the faces behind the regular bulletins!. joxx


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## emilycaitlin

I will have to get to grips with scanning photos, so I can put one on!!!

I know what you mean about going to nursery, it doesn't affect me so much there, but at work, I get all these women delivering whose first children are younger than mine, and they have had no problem the second time, they just don't realise how lucky they are.


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## kelway

afternoon moan - hi ladies, i was on my way out the door to see gyni chap (tell you more in a minute) when a friend phoned all happy to say that her recent fsh result had come in, she is 43 (nearly a year older than me) and her fsh was 3.9..........3.9!!! it should be higher than mine, not lower, i know, i know, i am feeling all jealous and horrible but i cannot help it. i suppose i am now preparing myself for her getting pg (another one) and me yet again having to deal with that one too. she has been trying for about a year and had 2 mc's in that time which tells me it is a matter of time more than likely until she successfully gets pg again. saw gyni, may cost £100 but he is so nice and incredibly reassuring - he said i HAD ov'd and that he was still optimistic i had a good chance of getting pg despite both age and fsh of 11.9 (last reading) so i will try again. at the same time i popped upstairs where the fertility hosptial bit is and enquired about iui, well it is cheaper than i had thought, roughly £600 a pop so i have been proactive today. on a different note, i touched base with the 'cruel' friend i had been avoiding - she has not called me back yet but i got a text from her this morning and called her, we keep missing each other but it will be good for both of us to actually talk although if she pressurises me as usual to go down that feeling sorry for herself path again and make me explain why i am avoiding her i will loose it and let rip and tell her THIS is exactly why i am keeping away from her and she drains me emotionally and expect self pity when if anyone should be getting it it should be me, if she only knew (which i doubt she does) just how lucky she is to have a beautiful new baby girl....anyway, enough of my venting, it just makes me feel better. hope you are all ok? joxx


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## SUSZY

just wrote a long note and the bl  dy thing crashed on me
just wanted to say welcome to Linda!! feel bit guilty about nov new being so quiet but this is a good place to post about stuff related to the lack of second baby syndrome
wanted to thank emilycaitlin for creating this and say I take my hat of to you girl doing the job you do it must be so hard
kelway - wanted to say we are so alike because I do so many of the things that you do ignoring girls,  being ok one min and not the next also love the photo of your dh and dd - so peaceful, chilled, happy and spiritual (what about pic of you!!)also like the term other mum sydrome - great!
teena - hope you are going to post on here soon
sarylou - bet you are looking forward to your birthday

still feel a bit down and seem to be pushing people away as well as them avoiding me but hopefully will get out of this mood soon as there is so much to be thankful and happy about as well just wish I could remind my self instead of getting all consummed by horrible thoughts all the time.
thanks as ever to all you girls helping me feel more normal.
even got a message from someone local saying about meeting up which is so nice too.
take care
love
susie


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## Keira

Hi Ladies

Hope you don't mind me joining in.  I have only been on FF for just over 2 weeks now and have been posting all over the place.    Not sure where I fit in yet.

I have 4 year old son, conceived on 6th cycle of clomid,  which was easy but now ttc #2 is not quite so easy.  I have had another 6 cycles of Clomid and 2 IUI's with Clomid but all BFN.    Now moving onto OI & IUI's - 3 attempts of this on NHS.    

I feel with having a son I should be thankful and my dh sometimes says we should just stick with him and forget trying again.    I find it hard sometimes now that I am doing the Nursery run and going to kids places that everyone else has 2 or 3.    I get asked often 'so when are you having more kids then'  to which I try and fumble about for an answer  

Kx


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## kelway

afternoon ladies, welcome aboard kiera, this sounds like the right place for you. as we speak i am gearing myself up for the daily nightmarish bout of taking mert to nursery. 
suszy - good to read that someone has made contact with you to a view of making a social arrangment. this afternoon i have to take mert for her weekly hours ballet stint - and (check this out) rather than sit in the small cloakroom for an hour listening to the smug fishwives (all with 2/3 kids, one lady has FIVE daughters, all under 7) i instead (bearing in mind it is freezing) go and sit in the car - i even bought a lamp that can be hung in the car sos to avoid having to sit and listen to them, how unsociable is THAT!! as for putting a picture of me on here, no, i not in the mood to put a picture of me up. i am stressed as at lunch time today when i have dropped mert off at nursery i have to return the call of this so called friend the one that i have been avoiding avidly. i know she still doesn't get why i do not see her and i feel anger already at the thought that she with her pained silences will force me to yet again attempt to explain why i can't be around her. she has a newborn and the last time she had a baby i had mert so we used to hang out together, breast feed and moan together so to me it is even more poignant that i cannot be around her. no more 'mr nice guy' as i have been in the past to her when she has acted like the hard done by one. i will let rip and feel good about it if she pulls that one. i have so much anger in me today. clomid has been making me so hormonal constantly and the dreams i have, usually about longing for a baby in one way or another. the gyni i saw the other day always makes me feel so optimistic but it never lasts long and i just take forgranted that i am not pg and af will come; no way would i do a test not unless i thought i might be and i don't expect to be, just because i have taken clomid - look at poor old kiera - you have had so many rounds of clomid, you already have a child and are younger than me and yet you haven't got pg on clomid. i hinted to gyni without being rude that i thought clomid was a waste of time but he is adamant that he thinks there is a chance, he stands by the fact that he says it can work with unexplained infertility so i will try two more cycles totalling 4 and then have one pop later in the year at iui although i do not know if that has any kind of success rate for older women either. i got a quote from my local fertility hospital of just over £600. sorry to ramble, just edgy, always edgy with the prospect of the other other smug young mums faces i have to see in about 15 minutes!! big love
xx


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## Mama Smurf

Hi Girls,  

I cant really say I feel the same regards my friends and work mates who have babies and 2nd and 3rd children. I'm happy for them as they are all good Mums, I love seeing them(4 of my friends have had babies within the last 6 months.)  Also 2 of my workmates are on Maternity leave and often pop in with their babies.  I feel a longing for another child but I don't get jealous I just try and think positive that I'll be next    Nobody knows that me and DH are starting tx soon, except you guys on here 

I work in a hospital right next to maternity and see pregnant ladies coming and going all day long, today I saw a Dad carrying balloons and flowers from his car to the Matty,  aawwww sweet  Maybe Ive hardened myself to seeing ladies with bumps all the time and newborns leaving in their  new car seats!


I don't suppose this has helped anyone!    Just wish I could cheer you up a bit 

Linda xxx


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## sarylou

afternoon ladies.

Wow what a surprise this morning opening my curtains to 2" of snow  and proper snow not flaky or dry. 
I tell you we had the biggest snowball fight to school and because of the weather they were taking the kids straight in so i didnt see anyone else.   








our snowman in the garden








out the front. Sorry its dark

Only 4 more days at nursery till i leave woohooo i cant deal with it anymore-emily i dotn know how you do it hun as a mw. I hate seeing mums coming in and announcing #2,3 when #1 is still in nappies etc and then when we talk about my son its do you not want more.        i ended up saying on monday yes i do but so far no luck as she patted her round bump. Its not fair is it girls.

feel low again today think its because i know this month we havent had sex at the right times and i see it as a wasted chance. Ive also had a few spotting episodes when i go to the toilet-im cd15 today with ov always cd10-12. although i have no idea this month as i dont temp or check cm anymore. Didnt see the point anymore.

feel pooey but i think thats cos full of cold. ho hum enough from me. hope your all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## kelway

hi all, sarylou - i have heard so many tales of women getting pg at different times in the month point being you should just do it as much as you can (but not every day) just incase you catch the right time. you mentioned spotting, do you get red or brown in the middle of the month? i used to get this when i was mid cycle but it seemed to stop after having a d&c when i had a mc years ago; i guess it kind of clears your uterine lining so i don't get it anymore. i can sense you are feeling low. you should do something that you like to pamper yourself - last night i watched that bbc1 drama (quite good, not brilliant, on again tonight) and made and ate a whole pint of birds custart, lovely, could have done with a bit more sugar but jolly nice all the same!!
linda - you put me to shame as you are one of those lucky ones that don't feel envy. i know or have known women like you whom i admire but i am just not made up of the same stuff. suppose i am not as nice a person as you, really, i have bouts of envy/anger and have always done really, not a saintly type (i mean that in a nice way, not a put down). my dh comes from a very christian upbringing and he was brought up in a way to never feel envy etc towards anyone and thus, he too views life through the same glasses as you; he doesn't get my envy and pain at seeing other pg women  and thinks i should feel happy for them but i just can't, makes me feel like a bad person but i know i am quite normal really. you should consider yourself lucky as you only have to deal with the longing, this envy and anger thing is bloody awful!! joxx


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## honeyprincess

Hey girls 

im here 2 i hope thats ok? ....thanks 4 the message susie!

I hope your all ok, I have had a really bad weekend and still feel really down, thats y i havent been posting.

Will try to come on 2 chat 2moz.


Love u all

Laura xx


Ps Love the snowman Sarah, that cheered me up...more funny pics please!


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## kelway

laura - here are some hugs for you as you sound like you need them xxxxxxxxxx((((()))))xxxXXXXXXjo


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## Mama Smurf

Jo thought this might make you smile...........me as a Saint!! 








I wish!!! 

I dont really get jealous at all, thank goodness but I do get sad and feel lonely, and the odd one out just having the 1 child  Dh said there must be something lacking in my life if I want a baby!! Yes there is, its called a baby you numpty!!!!   I tried to explain(without tears) and he understands(phew!) I wish he could be a woman for a day!!!!  

Welcome Laura  Hope everyone else is fine

Linda xxxx


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## TC2

Arrggghhhh just lost post whilst trying to attach picture... i hate computers sometimes!

Will post tomorrow, hope you are all ok    all round!


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## emilycaitlin

Morning everyone,

TC2 and Honeyprincess - Welcome!!

sarylou - I'm the same this month, we've only had bms about twice, but I really don't care at the mo, although I probably will next tuesday when AF is due.  I sometimes don't test for ov, then regret it!!


TC2 - That's so annoying when you spend ages on something and it crashes!!!!


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## sarylou

afternoon girls. xxxx here is a better piccy from yesterdays snow fun. 









walking to school 









Laura I hope you are ok sweetheart  









The spotting only happened twice and was small, not much to get my hopes up or worry about. This is the first time its happened also.

I hate being so bunged up-my poor nose and lips are sore lol. 

will write more later, tc all xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## kelway

you are so good with the adding of photos - i watched dh do this (he is a web designer) and it looked pretty tricky to me, i am impressed!! joxx


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## emilycaitlin

I'm quite depressed, we didn't get a single flake of snow, it looks lovely in your pictures sarylou!!


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## sarylou

Jo its easy when you know how believe me before i could do it i had no ideas at all. 
If you find a web page that you can upload them to its easy to do-i use photobucket.com. 
You basically put your piccys from your comp onto the site and click a link icon and it creates the link that you just copy and paste in here.
Honestly i do nothing fancy just hit a few buttons and paste   

The snow has all gone now 

off to find something to try and cook for tea. *yawn*


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## Guest

hi girls, can i join you?

ive got an 8 yrs old ds, Brandon, been married to dh for 7 yrs in march.
when i first found out i was infertile dh bought me an african grey parrot  shes my baby for now.
still nothing can fill the emptiness inside hey? 







heres my baby, Angel








and heres my other baby with his dad

if one more person tells me that im lucky to have one baby cos some people dont have any i swear i will punch them 
(have you noticed its normally people with 3 or 4 kids that say that?)

we've almost got the money together for a cycle of ivf, Brandon is really excited  but he does understand that it might not work.
he lost another tooth yesterday and he found £5 under his pillow this morning, he promptly ran into me and said 'look mummy ive got £5 off the tooth fairy here you go' and handed it to me, he said 'you have it mummy cos you need it for you fbi'
(he gets confused and calls ivf fbi )
i didn't take it but it did make me cry a little, he was so sweet.

anyway, sorry for ramblin on, speak to you all soon, love maz xxx


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## kelway

hi maz, welcolm aboard!! your little boy sounds so sweet, that was really lovely about him offering you the £5 and i loved the 'fbi' thing, kids say or do at somes such brilliant innocent funny things. best of luck to you in your quest. as for me, i think i have had/am having another useless waste of time second cycle of clomid - i feel really pm'd, not at all pg so feeling pretty down today, had a cry with dh for about ten minutes and feel better now. joxx ps how come you got so many bubbles?? i only have a few!!


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## Guest

ive got so many bubbles cos a group of us end our bubbles on 7 for luck, we've got our own thread if you want to join in 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=80133.0

love maz xxx


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## sarylou

Hello maz welcome aboard, Your son sounds wonderful bless his heart. And wow your tooth fairys pay out a better deal then my sons lol he gets £2;50.  
i love your parrot very beautiful. As you may of read i have a zoo at my house. 

Feel really down again today. Think its beacause i have still got the pains rumbling on and i know that means no bms for me on my birthday tomorrow      Im also terrified after posting on the bms forum about what might be causing it. 

Just feel blue. sorry girls. x


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## kelway

hi sarylou - sorry to read you are feeling down today, me too. we can moan together - ps: What does bms stand for? x


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## sarylou

I have no idea what it stands for im guessing babymaking sex? lol

yes lets be sad together. xxxxx


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## SUSZY

Hi girls
this thread has been busy, welcome to Maz and your boys so sweet - they make you cry don't they and your heart meltglad Laura got on here and sorry you have been feeling down honey

Sarylou and Kelway have just posted on your other thread - really hope you both cheer up soon, its such a horrible feeling and so hard to break, wish I could say something to help you both.

Sarylou - the snow looked beautiful and the photos fab, shame we did not get any my ds is do desparate for snow and keeps wishing fo it - happy birthday again for tomorrow - do hope you get spoilt!

Emilycaitlin - sorry to hear you are feeling down too - it is so depressing and everyone keeps telling me its to do with the time of year as well.
I know what you all mean about BMS - its so annoying because if you do it at the right time you think you are in with a chance and then you get all hopeful so I am sure some months we have missed it because of that as you say its like a missed opportunity.  Its so hard and don't think doing it every day or every other or every couple as you are supposed to is very realistic unless you have only just met and don't have another and don't have all the stresses and strains of life!

TC2 - know what you mean about the computers and photos - I often lose a message after spending ages posting and its so annoying!
I am thinking of all you lovely ladies and do hope we get what we want but also really try and enjoy what we have (says she who has been a grumpy cow all week)

Have a good weekend girls and don't forget its nearly Feb and we are getting nearer Spring when I am sure we will all be feeling better.
just been looking at some posts and that freecycle one looks great where you get rid of stuff and gain it for free 

take care
love
susie


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## SUSZY

sorry meant to say HI and welcome to Keira too.
Good luck with the rest of your journey
keep coming on here
take care
susie


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## Keira

Hi Ladies

Suszy thanks for the welcome  

I am just trying to get ds down to bed but he is having none of it.  I really think I will be needing to get 'Supernanny'   in soon.

Kx


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## TC2

Hi All, 

Back now and have forgiven computer for 'stealing' my post from the other day!


I am getting slightly worried about the tooth fairy inflation - i just presumed its a pound... I have alot to learn.  But Maz Brandon sounds great, a friend of mines little girl (whos nine) and her friend were telling me just last week about their friends new baby sister who is an 'FBI' Baby, i laughed ALOT they were so insistent, i think its great that hes involved and understands. If nothing comes of our treatment i do want to be able to explain to my DS when hes a bit older, what we did and that we did try our hardest.  Its funny but i kind of feel a responsibility to him to try. 

Kiera Hi and Welcome!

So sorry so many are feeling down... you know it will pass so hang in there!  Roll on summer ! 

Take Care

Teenax


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## emilycaitlin

I used to get 20p from the tooth fairy!!!  She musn't have liked my teeth!


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## sarylou

Had a wonderful weekend-was my birthday 
Got lots of lovely pressies. My mummy has paid for us to go away for a weekend child free at a lovely hotel-- http://www.paradise-house.co.uk/ I cant wait. Its our first trip away together alone.

Had a busy morning-_still _ waiting for my crb clearence before i can start work again grrrrr   
Rabbit is at the vets today having his teeth removed. He bent them bitting the cage wire so they didnt wear down and needed grinding down every week at the vets-expensive. So today they are coming out. 
here is a piccy of the poor bunny -his teeth were last done last week thats how fast they grow a week,









And here is us having one last cuddle just incase  as rabbits going under is quite dangerous. Its not a 100% success rate. 









I have tummy aches from hell. Im doped up on various drugs and my head feels like its floating in space because of it all. Im not due on for another week  
Hope everyones ok today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## honeyprincess

Hi Girls


Sarah ........Happy belated  Birthday!! What a lovely pressie from your mum! When are you going away? OMG your bunnys teeth grow so quick! Hope hes ok! Vets r expensive, I deffo agree my god had a cold and vet bill was £50! I said to DP,next time ill get him a bottle of calpol! lol 
I dunno wat ur pain is like, but i get bad cramps from IBS and find a heat pack(1 u put in microwave) is brilliant, u prob tried everything, jus a suggestion, hope u feel better soon.

Susie... Thanks for inviting me here, I was feeling so down, I didnt wanna post cuz i thought nobody like me anyway I just felt so negative about everything! 

Jo...How r u hun?

maz....Hi, your son sounds adorable... that was sooooo sweet, offering you his 'tooth money' for 'fbi'...how cute!

Hi to every1 else hope your all ok.

Im gonna try and put a pick up If i can work out how! lol

Love Laura xxxxxx


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## kelway

hi everyone, hope you are all ok? laura - hope you are ok? i am alright. sarylou - your rabbit has superteeth!! i love rabbits, would have if we didn't get foxes in the garden plus i am allergic to them!! (used to volunteer at a rabbit sanctuary and all i did was clean out hutches, used to be constantly sneezing. sorry to hear you have tummy pains. i too get this, shortly after (ha ha yeah right) ovulating i get mild af like pains right up until i come on, what a drag. what med's are you on? (pain killers i guess). af approaching and i know it is, don't feel at all pg, never do, probably never will (queue the violin sound...). just trying to syke myself up to take mert to nursery AAGGGGGHHHHHHH, i hate that, then have to go to acupuncture for an hour of pain and boredom!! lots of love to everyone
joxx


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## honeyprincess

Ok I hope it works....

This is my boxer...Kane:









And this is my DD Emily:









Love Laura xx


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## sarylou

AWWW Laura i love the photos. 
I love your doggie. And emily looks so grown up-i loving her hair and pretty dress- i wish ds was a girl sometimes lol


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## kelway

hi laura, great photos, your little girl looks lovely, the picture of innocence!! joxx


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## emilycaitlin

Hi, hope everyone is ok,

Sarah - My last rabbit had to have his teeth out, he was so much better afterwards, and could eat normally.  He looked so cute with his little tongue sticking out!!


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## sarylou

My rabbit came home last night and is almost back to 100% He was very groggy last night but we managed to get him to eat some powder food and today he is eating normal food once more. 
The vet gave me his teeth to keep as a momento! 
They are huge and gross however ds thinks they are "cool"

Hope everyones ok, any new girls reading this please feel free to join in and say hello. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## SUSZY

hi girls
sorry not been on here for a few days and glad to see you have all been busy and I am loving your photos girls think we must get some pets just need to get to bottom of whether ds is allergic, he gets mild asthma which seems to be getting better but does start coughing around some dogs bit like you kelway with rabbits.
anyway girls here is a bit for each of you

sarylou - your rabbits teeth were huge, glad you got the op done ok and he is now back home, we had a rabbit when we were kids and he was like a member of the family.  Glad you had a good birthday and what a lovely present from your mum bet you are looking forward to that.  sorry about your pains do hope they get better soon.  meant to say happy birthday on your birthday and don't think I did so sorry about that

Laura- its lovely to see you have posted on here and I love the photos of Kane and your georgous daughter emily, oh how I would love a darling daugter.  Its so hard when you start on here because sometimes not many reply and esp on this secondary IF thread and its only really recently and mainly due to kelway/sarylou that its getting really busy as when I first joined back in nov it was quiet, it is hard to find you feet on this site to begin with  I know and you think everyone knows everyon but they don't and everyone is so friendly and keep looking around as well.  I tend to post on here and nov newbies that a few of us started together back in nov and thats about it, when I am feeling good I will welcome new people on the introductions page of which there are loads and that is always nice or pop over to something that might interest me like over 40s or egg donors but mainly on here and the other.  sodo have a look around there is so much on here.

emily caitlin - hope you are ok and thanks again for setting this up

kelway - nice to see you have not lost your sense of humour, think you should write comedy as you are funny, sorry the whole nursery thing still getting you down, have had a break this week as ds not been well AGAIN - took him to drs as he had very swollen glands and like little lumps behind his ears, I was so worried but dr said viral infection and keep him off for a week but think I will send him tomorrow.  Its been nice having the break and I did something quite sad and the weekend but I think its going to be great i bought myself a little pink flask and I am going to have it in the car whilst I wait for him outside school, people seem to be getting there earlier so I am going to get a mag and drink my tea so quite looking forward to that.  also sit in car with another girls sometimes. it does not seem to have been so bad recently as they have been letting us inside as the weather as been so bad and that is better because we are squashed up.

teena - think the fbi baby thing sounds great and you are right in wanted to explain it to him when he is a little older although its amazing what they understand now - agree with you re the spring summer - we will feel better once spring and sprung but think we have some horrible cold weather first

maz welcome and love your photos too - really must get some more of mine on here think you have started something with the old tooth fairy, think I might do a pound when we get there!

Keira - nice to hear from you too, know what you mean about getting them to bed, mine can be a right pain sometimes too, he has been off ill the last couple of days so he (and perhaps me too) get a quick sleep in the day so come the night he is not tired and if we are not sure if he is going to school tomorrow then it gets later - what bad parents we are!!  think we know best though in the end it is a nightmare sometimes though

going to post this off before my luck runs out and I lose it
just wanted to send you all my love and do hope the ones who were down are feeling a bit better
i have been up and down again but despite my dull toothache and still feeling bit sorry for myself seem to be feeling a little better, always think staying in makes you realise how lucky we are with our homes etc
take care girls and lots and lots of love and cuddles and   
love
susie


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## kelway

hi susie, you sound in good/better spirits which is good; pleased i make you laugh... i myself have had a crap day - i can feel af approaching (no mistake, got used to it so recognise it a mile off) plus the bl**dy school run - seems every time i get lumbered into making small talk with one of the other mothers they ask if i have any more or am going to have any more kids and every time it is like i have been winded (kicked in the stomach) - there is a pattern - mert is about as sociable as a child can be - when i take her to nursery or when i collect her she inveitably runs upto another child she likes and holds their hand thus leaving me to walk along with the other childs parent and make small talk.......this afternoon when i dropped her off she lumbered me with a new kids HEAVILY PG mother who asked me (quote) if myrtle was my first....unlike you guys i had no hesitation in going for the kill and said 'she's more than likely my last as i can't have anymore' - her awkward response was predictably 'oh, i am sure you can', they all say that, as they feel embarassed and taken aback by my openess. i don't know, most of them probably refer to me (if i get pointed out) as the old one who can't have anymore but is desperate to). then, a friend of mine (probably one of my only mother friends, certainly my closest) said to me on the phone (although i think i misunderstood her) something about how i must be careful about how i feel around mert - i took deep offence to this as it is not as if i mope around crying all the time infront of mert - i talked to my friend and i think she was actually, when pushed to explain what she meant, trying to be complimentary as she remarked on how my dd is such a beautiful happy child, happier than any other child she has seen which is mert, never seen such a sociable happy child - she asked how i did it in knowing how unhappy i am and yet mert is so adjusted - i told her i rarely cry infront of mert as i rarely cry but that when i am at home i am basically happy as protected from the outside world, we have a very happy home and my desperation for another child makes me so full of love for mert that she probably gets more love and attention from me than alot of (most?) children who have siblings; she told me how when she had pnd she could not hide it from her daughter as her daughter became very quite so i think i understood her but initially when she said something about being careful around mert i was really angry as i do not need to be ticked off about how to bring my daughter up - just because i am unhappy inside i don't outwardly project this most of the time, i don't but when i do the school bleeding run which is when she sees me most of the time i am so stressed out. i did another naughty thing today although it made me feel good, you'll like this one susie - when i collected mert from nursery today we were just walking out of the school gate when mert said ooh there's lucy and went to run up to her - lucy is a miserable little girl whom i have no interest in (sorry, not crazy about other people's kids, never have been) plus i really don't like her mother,anyway, today her father had collected her and he looked about as interesting as watching paint dry, add this to the fact that they live near me so i would have had to walk all the way home making small talk to him, probably asking me if i have anymore kids whilst mert walked up the road with his little girl - I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT so my pmt took over and i ran after mert saying to come on as i didn't want to have to talk to anyone, this i think he heard as when i took merts hand he looked quite shocked and said hello in a voice that said he knew i didn';t want to be sociable - HOORAH, too right matey, i said hello barely making eye contact and proceeded to walk ahead - this is so awful but mert sets me up, she loves running after these other kids leaving me to walk up the street with the other parent in either awkward silence or small talk which i hate. there,i feel better now, so pmt although i expected nothing else, at least i didn;t think i was pg to then has disappointment of af, signing out. jox


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## Guest

hi girls, how we all doin?

the whole tooth fairy thing started cos we dint have any change so we the tooth fairy gave ds 'paper money'
now we bribe him and say you only get paper money if you look after your teeth and clean them properly 
which will prob backfire on us cos now he has 3 loose teeth 

im lovin all the pics  keep them comin girls 

love n hugs to you all, maz xxx


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## TC2

Hiya all,

Couldnt load a pic so changed my signature one to my baby 'Pilchard' shes 6 months and was bit disgruntled that i woke her with the flash!  I really like all the pics and wow what teeth your Rabbit had Sarah!  When our cat was teething she lost almost all her teeth at once (we kept finding them on the carpet by her scratching post) and at one point she could barely eat. 

So I am on day 5 of down regging and havent had any urges to kill anyone yet which some says happen, in fact i feel incredibly alive and i have no spots YIPEE and i would have PMT now but i dont seem too, so so far so good. only 16 more days to go and then i start stimming - am not scared of the needle bit but i am a bit apprehensive about the first one so will be pleased to get that started.  Had a big shock in the post today cos my Grannie (whos 93) sent us some money towards our treatment.... i cannot believe she has and i am so so grateful, but now i feel it just HAS to work!  

Maz  3 at once could get costly!

Must go to bed now - too late, have a good thursady everyone

Teena x


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Where are you all??
I was going to come on here apologising for not being on here for a few days and no one has posted since end of Jan - ok I know only three days but that quite a long time!
Hope you are all ok and having a good weekend.
Kelway sorry to hear you are still having trouble with the school run, in some ways you are at least chatting to some other mums have you thought about steering the convo instead and say what did you do today at school and try and get the kids to chat, or ask that mum or dad some awkward question!!!!  Mine seems to be better a) because he was not there that much this week b) we handed out some joint invites so we are quite popular although embarrassed about the ones not invited c) have had a few different kids back  d) have been sitting in car (now with flask bought last weekend although not had any tea yet as was too hot!) and only getting out at last minute and mostly we get let into cloakroom which quite good.
Now girls I am not sure whether you blame you lot about the toothfairy and I must put it under my pillow tonight but I had to have a tooth out yesterday and it was bloody painful!!!!!  It has been causing me pain all week and the options were root tx at £300 or have it out for £42 the dentist did tell me back in Nov I might have a problem with the root soon.  anyway to cut a long story short decided on having it out and they slipped me in a emergency appointment on Friday morning so did not have that long to panic.  The time I had I put to good use and sobbed, and cried and sobbed and cried in various different rooms of the house, in the car, in the waiting room and even afterwards!! but you know what girls it felt so good to say poor me and tell everyone and actually have something that the outside world could relate with that kind of pain and yet sure some of the tears I shed were more because it was on top of everything else.  But I feel calmly cleansed now and am on painkillers some condine ones which are supposed to be addictive so perhaps that is why I feel better!!!!!  Think my dh did not help by saying Susie you are getting old!! so I felt so poor me with old eggs and old teeth!!! but can see funny side now.
Not much else to report really other than my dh has been working all last night and all day so I have had some lovely quality time with my ds and he is not a cheap date, we went bowling, had lunch there, pic and mix (which should not after the dentist I know and this has made me want to be so strict on that Maz so know where you are coming from) popped into the cinema but was too expensive although we had just missed some kids club that was £1.50 for child and adult apparently so will look that one up.  Then I took him swimming to my club.  he also had friends back on Thurs and Fri night and a family school disco so feel quite tired now.
so will sign off but thinking of you all girls and do hope you are ok and please post back on here soon.
lots of love
susie


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## emilycaitlin

Hi Suszy,

I'm just on quickly, but I hope your'e feeling a bit better.  I have a MAJOR phobia of dentists, so you are a much braver woman than me!!!


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## kelway

hi susie, just a quickie as it is saturday night 2am and i have just got in from a night of headbanging in an east london rock club!! haven't done that sort of thing in years but very invigerating and good way of getting rid of any aggression although i will have a stiff neck tomorrow morning when i do the market!! oddly enough i went to the dentist on thursday, it was at one point like a scene from the film marathon man if you have seen it? the dentist stuck this metal thing into my gum as i have an infection there, it was really painful but may have done the trick as my gum certainly seems alot better than it had the last month. hope you are feeling better too? as for my af, it is coming but taking its time thus confusing me as to when i take my next cycle of clomid (brown bit but no red yet), this drives me nuts and adds insult to injury but af is certainly coming, it always does. over and out from me, just finish off my cuppa and then to bed. take care. jox


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## sarylou

suszy ouch that must of hurt, glad its out though now and no more pain. 

Jo get you out and about it the small hours lol, i was fast asleep. Glad you had a good time. 

Ive been hiding in my bed these last few days, i have days like this everynow and again. I just need to hide away and lick my wounds. Feel sorry for myself and then emerge slightly stronger. 

Have got bad case of ttc blues, and pmt to top it off. 
prob wont be on till friday as need to just try and sort my life out and move on. But il let you know how hosp goes. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
so sorry everyone feeling down and sarylou hope you kick it soon, it is such a long painful journey I just wish I could wave a magic wand and then we could all get pg !
Thanks for your kind words a real dentist theme and I blame it on the Maz toothfairy and I have still not put it under my pillow.
As i said yesterday girls having real pain to cry over that other people can relate to and feel sorry for me about has been quite nice and no one other than on here understands that continual dull ache for wanting another that takes over your life too and all those tears I shed and the sheer sobbing and feeling sorry for myself for a reason others understand has been quite therapeutic!
anyway darlings really hope you all feel chipier soon and wished we lived near each other to give each other some proper tlc - how nice would that be.
kelway hope the market goes well today and the image of you headbanging is quite funny too!
please look afteryourself girls - good luck for the appointment Sarylou.
take care the rest of you special people.
love and healing
susie


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## *Lollipop*

Hi Suszy, thanks for the kind words, im so sorry you are having such a hard time and I totally agree, it does really help knowing there are others out there in the same situation. (Unfortunate for us all i Know) the success stories on here give you the  to carry on.  
I have 3 colleagues at work who have all just found out they are pregnant all within weeks of each other and its going to be hard going to work tomorrow. But it wont be as hard as it would have been few days ago when i felt all alone going through this. Who needs therapy!!!
Lots of luck, best wishes and    to everyone take carexxxxx


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## emilycaitlin

Gabrielle - Just wanted to say all the best for work tomorrow.  It's so hard when that happens, as you grit your teeth and smile around allthe baby talk from everyone else.  Tomorrow will be the worst day, then the novelty will ease off for a bit


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## pip34

hi everyone

this is my ds and dd





she is 12 and sings and writes her own songs hope she ll be famous one day and look after her mummy lol.

they both suffer from hypermobility and chronic pain but do well to get through it.

*gabrielle* how did work go hun xx 

*SUSZY * hows yr mouth is it still sore xx yr braver than me i hate the dentist and he hates me lol last time i went he had to do 2 crowns but the numbing stuff didnt wk and he had to cancel all his patients so that he could deal with me lol i found out since its because of the hypermobility that local anaesethcs dont work on us . he wished he new that before he started with me lol.

*sarylou* thanks you for welcoming me to this thread hun   how are u are you feeling any better 

hi to everyone else xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## kelway

hi pip, what is hypermobility? i've not heard of that before. just being nosey. shortly off to do the much loved (!) school run. all the best. jox


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## SUSZY

Dear girls
Pip  Love the photos of you two darlings and so sorry about your loss too, brings tears to my eyes, sending you love and cuddles,
like kelway - what is hypermobility as I have not heard of it either before, sounds horrible, having toothache for a week made me realise how terrible constant pain is and how some people have to live with it every day.  sorry i did not get to welcome you on intros only pop on there sometimes and saw Gabrielles the other day so Welcome to you honey and glad you found it here ok and hope work was not that bad, the worst bit is when they all talk about pg as if it were so easy when we all know its not.
thanks for all your kind words re the dentist - i really was not brave it was so scary and I am so glad its over now.
tc2 good luck with the tx and how nice of your gran to send you some money - really sweet - i have asked my parents if they want a share in their future grandchild but now my dad is claiming he has no money as they have overspent on doing their house up!  its crazy we have to pay for this tx is it not.
sarylou- how are you and how was appointment
Kelway - hope school run ok
Maz, Laura (honeyprincess), Keira - how are you all
emily caitlin - hope you ok too honey - can we bring the list forward and update it with the newies (or can i do it)
take care girls
hope your day gone ok
love
susie


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## kelway

hi susie, i am in a deep pit of despair and blackness right now!! (dramatic or what!) but on a serious note, without the added humour, i am in one of those (for me) rare and terribly depressed spaces that i sadly go to sometimes although not normally that often. possibly the first clomid pill i took yesterday has made me take a nosedive into depression but to be honest, i felt myself falling ever since i came on on sunday. i feel more low than i can even muster up the energy to try and describe. yesterday i was in waitrose when mert was at nursery and i saw this lady who looked so old and obesely overweight and wondered how, just how she had done it. it wasn't that i begrudged her, i just felt overwelmingly slapped in the face that i seem to be surrounded by women in their mid to late 40's pg or with newborns (who also have another child) - i don't drink, live a reasonably healthy/stress free life, fell pg twice immediately and yet i have not got pg once since i started to ttc two years ago and i tell you, it is really beginning to hit me. i hope i snap out of this soon as it is taking me over right now. i am even avoiding my best friend, also my age and pg as i just cannot face her but fortunately she has not been intouch, probably just as well although if the shoe had been on the other foot and i fell pg before her she would have run a mile and made no secret to me that she would have done before she fell pg. sorry to go on, just the mood i am in. i am ok at home with mert and dh but as soon as i put my foot outside i fall into this deep depression. i feel close to throwing in the towel and not taking anymore clomid as i have not come across ONE women my age who got pg having taken the darn stuff. why bother? hope your mouth is less painful? joxx


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## pip34

hi everyone

*suszy, kelway* hypermobility is a connective tissue disease it means there joints over extend the ways they shouldnt and they injure very easily. my son is always breaking a bone at least 4-5 times a year and both of their knees dislocate very easily and other joints. they also get alot of swelling with joints like arthritis but not factor in the blood just all the sypmtoms. they both have to do physio everyday to try n keep the muscles around the joints strong but its easier said than done. with this its catch 22 because if they hurt a joint they suppose to rest it but if rested to much they get a thing called rsd reflex sympathy distrophy where the nervous system tells the body to shut of the injured site so it goes either very hot or freezing cold and fills with fluid then the only way to get rid of that is more physio which is agonising for them. what doesnt help is that no pain meds help this condition. its a nightmare but alot of people dont uderstand the condition even health professions but they are both lucky to b under great ormond street in the hypermobility clinic. as u can imagine we have had lots of problems with school especially junior as they didnt want to no and basically thought it was all made up but senior school is alot more understanding.

kelway i feel the same theres a woman i no she is the same stage of preg i would have been and all she does is drink and smoke and shouts at her other child it makes me angry because i did everything right and lost thomas i cant understand it.

take care all


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## Keira

Hi Ladies

hope you are all well.

I started my injections for IUI yesterday and went to bed last night and was having second thoughts about doing this tx.    DS has a really bad cold and I am feeling guilty about dragging him to appts and thinking should I just be happy with my lot and do I really crave this 2nd baby the way I craved my 1st.   

Do you ladies ever feel like just sticking with your one or do you all crave that 2nd baby.    I just feel a bit mixed up about what I really want (but hey ho maybe the drugs are making me all emotionally)   

Kx


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## emilycaitlin

I vary, sometimes I think, yes, I'll just stick with my dd, we can get cheaper holidays, cheaper christmas etc etc, and she will get all my attention, then the next minute, I think, no there's no way I can ever give up.  It's really difficult


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## kelway

hi kiera and pip - pip: that sounds like a tough one to live with, my dd has severe food allergys, very different situation but still trying at times (cannot eat or touch and dairy/eggs/nuts/some fruit). re pain relief have you tried tens machines - there is a shop where i live that specialises in natural pain relief for all sorts of health situations (not just labour!), just a thought?  kiera -  best of luck with the iui - i am thinking of giving it a pop later in the year, i didn't know you had to inject yourself with iui........let us know how you get on. is it a complicated procedure? fingers crossed for you (both), joxx


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## Pand

Hi ladies!

I was wondering if I could join the gang.  Susie suggested it to me in another post.

Everything I have read in your posts rings so true.  I haven't been trying for anywhere near as long as some of you but am still having a really hard time coming to terms with it all.  I completely understand what you are saying about friends getting pregnant.  Just before Christmas my best mate who had been ttc for as long as me rang to tell me she was pregnant.  She is due her first scan next week.  It's like a knife in my heart.  She still needs lots of support because her hormones are all over the place ans she is still dealing with all the turmoil following a miscarriage last year.  But it's just so hard to listen to.  I'm like some of you guys.  I just feel so jealous.  What makes everyone else so much better than me?  Why are they allowed to get pregnant when I can't?

As for the question about whether to give up and just be happy with the little one I've got, I've had that conversation with myself and my hubby so many blooming times!  Sometimes I feel like I should just knock it all on the head and actually enjoy what I've got instead of living this constant miserable rollercoaster.  Then at other times, I feel I couldn't live with the guilt if he didn't have a little brother or sister and I hadn't tried everything I could.  Plus the ache for another one has now become far stronger than it was with my first.  The more I am denied it, the more I want it.

Anyway, I've got an appointment with my consultant on Friday.  We need to discuss the result of my HSG (one blocked tube near the ovary due to my endo) and my CD21 bloods (one was low).  I'm really hoping he will suggest chlomid as a means of getting my good side to produce more eggs rather than suggest I need surgery to open my blocked tube.  I can't bear the thought of another operation after a horrendous emergency op last year to remove an extremely large chocolate cyst.  I will probably post again sometime over the weekend and will let you know what happens.

Thanks for listening.  It really helps to know I'm not on my own.

Amanda


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls    
hope you doing ok and feeling a bit brighter kelway and sarylou
Pip - that all sounds so hard to live with and not sure how you have coped with it or the kids , they must be very brave and you must be an incredible lady, it must be tough for you but you sound like such a loving family and supportive and seem to cope with it all
Keira - good luck with the IUI - I did it in NOv and its not too bad and its supposed to have quite a good success because you are putting the most motile sperm right up there
Here is a brief overview of IUI for you and Kelway and I am sure you know most of it, have the injections the days they say of the first stuff every other day or something, then have a scan on day 8/10 is it??just like for clommid then they will tell you when they think you should take that pregnyl one and then they arrange for you to go in and lie back and think of England (wel if you live near the clinic you take your hubbies sperm in at 8am and then they wash the sperm and take the fastest swimmers and shove them up you once you have signed for the right tube of sperm!!!!) then you lie there for 10 mins and carry on normal life well I spent the rest of the day in bed and took it easy for a few days and then the longest two weeks of your life start and you will imagine all sorts of symptoms and my boobs got very sore and I got very tired but it did not work.  the best advise is to start a 2ww diary on he IUI thread and read others peoples accounts also go on the 2ww threads as you are all going through the same stuff - post a message to ask if anyone basting/or basted the same day as you once you know or testing on the same day. it was that day on 3rd Nov that I first joined this site.  anyway good luck - wish I had find this site when doing clommid rather than just been basted!! and its really not that bad or painful!
kelway - don't know what to say darling just hope you might be feeling a bit better now, I know exactly where you are coming from and I really think seeing these older pg mums is doing you no good.  I know exactly what you mean about being ok in the house on my own and with family but when I go out into the big wide world something small only has to happen to send me off kilter.  Having said that something small and nice only has to happen to improve my mind set too.  Have you ever thought how lucky you are that you are wearing your age so well compared to these oldies/ladies.  Have you tried that rescue remedy before you go into some of these situations as its helped me. (btwThanks for you tips re the codine - remember you saying about it before - have not had it now for a couple of days so don't worry.)  I have been going up and down like a yoyo again so I really can relate to what you are saying.  Have you thought that some of these women might have had trouble conceiving, maybe they have spent thousands on ivf or used donor eggs and its probably just your brain tricking you into thinking they are having an easy ride. only saying this to help you and probably would not be able to think like that if I saw lots of pg ones all the time. If I had my time again I would not have done clommid for 6 months and gone straight to IUI and then I did not think that was going to work after the clomid failed so I wish we had just done ivf 2 years ago as here I am facing the poss of ivf with someone else's eggs 
Keira/€emily caitlin of course its such a big question = part of me thinks I should just sit back and relax and enjoy this time with him as he comes up to five and  part of me wishes that I had not spent the last 3.5 years hoping on another - i would still probably be quite happy if everyone else i knew was in the same boat, that the big gap was by choice or that I knew I was going to get pg.  another part of me feels grateful for having met all the wonderful people on here as I did view IF as an issue that did not effect me and tx was a million miles away hence my reaction against ivf 2 years ago, cannot imagine what I would have done if someone had suggested I might have to use someone else's eggs!! but like with everything and what pip has had to get used to we adapt
i will stop rabbiting now and as i said before really do think one day all our hopes and dreams will be realised
gabrielle - hope you ok
sarylou- hope you are ok, worried about you too.
is so terrible the way it gets us down and we cannot get out of it - no one can understand - just want to give you all a big hug
teena and maz hope you ok too
love you all
Susie


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## SUSZY

Dear Pand/Amanda
welcome - was just going off to remind you to post on here so glad you have,
basically we are all in the same boat and we are here for each other and its so nice to have a place to come to to rant and rave, laugh and cry and compare notes and know we are not alone in feeling the way we do.
good luck for you appointment and do keep us posted.
love to you
susie


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## SUSZY

Thanks to emilycaitlin for creating this thread for us   
Good Luck to all the secondary IF members!      
emilycaitlin
kelway    
linchick  
sarylou  
suszy  
tc2
keira
Maz
honeyprincess
pip34
gabrielle
pand    

there is a load of us now and its growing  do you think we could do one of these every so often with everyones age/child/rens names tx etc


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## kelway

evening suszy sue! blimey, you've been at it this evening, typing away. you made me laugh in your low down on iui, the way you typed 'they shove them up' re the sperm, nice one! feeling not so bad now. mert hasn't nursery tomorrow so i am getting up early and 'going up west' as they say in the east end, take her to hamley's and spend some of my christmas vouchers that dh gave me. had a lovely afternoon with mert watching one of my altime favourites LITTLE HOUSE ON'T PRAIRIE, mert really liked it which has sentimental value to me as i loved it as a child and still do so for me to sit there next to my dd holding hands watching this warmed my heart; it did come into my mind that if i had another child NO WAY would i have time to do such things, i often sit and hang out with mert and yet when i look at all these fishwives at her nursery i can't imagine any of them having the time of day to do nonsense like that so looking at it that way i am very lucky.  i exchanged emails with my best friend today, she is now 21 wks pg with No. 2 and fortunately (sounds rotten but cannot help it) i have not heard from her for a few weeks. anyway, she told me that she may well be going to live in the US in the next month or so and as awful as it sounds, part of me was relieved. how awful is that. i love this girl as much as if she was my sister but if she lived in the US i would not have to have these painful 'meet ups' with her and watch her tummy grow/see her baby. part of me feels ashamed and she would be so hurt if she knew but i am being secretly honest here. we would still exchange emails, probably more than we do already, i can handle emails although even these can be a bit tricky on the old emotions - today she was telling me about her friday scan, plus being honest with me that she is getting excited; i say the right things when called for and try and keep up the pretence of me being fine hearing about it but it hurts underneath and could do without having to listen to that. just had to rush upstairs as i could hear all out 'handbags at dawn' as i call it - most evenings around this time some local urban cutie foxes come and tease the dog next door by going in their garden and peering at him through their glass kitchen door, great fun, they (the foxes) make such a racket, i love em'. beautiful beasts, very playful and family orientated (i watch them alot out of the window, usually a mr and mrs plus sometimes child in tow). anyway, what was i saying, oh yes, my friend was suddenly really honest to me in admitting that she found it to be rare for a women in early 40's not being able to get pg again when already has one child - i told her of my theory of this and she agreed which was a surprise as she would normally say what she thinks i want to hear. it is hard feeling singled out, she said she knows alot of women in 40's pg or having just had No. 2 and that i am the only one who just cannot get pg and she cannot work it out - i have worked it out, my body is for sh*t and i appear to be older on my inside whilst my outside looks alot younger. 

NOTE TO AMANDA - welcome aboard and good luck with your dr appointment.

over and out! lots of love to all, jox


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## TC2

Evening all.............

Keira - I think if you really want something you have to go for it to the limit you can.  I dont think wanting another is a reflection in any way on your first or your happiness with your life as it is, for me its just wanting that little bit more.  If we go through all this Treatment and dont get our wishes then at least i will be happy i tried; i think its so different for everyone so its difficult, everyone has different limits they are happy to go to.  I suppose its easier that if we dont succeed then there are all the positives of a singleton (and i am one so i speak from experience!)

Jo - Sorry you have been feeling so down  sending you a  .  I loved Little House on the Prairie Too', they just don't make them like that anymore!

Am surviving the down regging but no   yet!!! Now 5 days late....aaarrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!

Anyway off to bed now, hoping you all have a good day 

Teena x


----------



## kelway

teena - 5 days late! have you thought of doing a test? for 5 days late i certainly would!! jox


----------



## emilycaitlin

Morning everyone,

Suszy - It's a good idea to put the details on every now and again, I will try and get round to doing it soon  

Hope everyone is ok, It's freezing here!!!


----------



## honeyprincess

Hi everyone 
Hope you are all ok?

Emily it is freezing here too!!

Looking forward to next week school holidays wooooohoooo no school run!!!!

Also looking forward to doing lots of messy crafts with Emily, she loves making things and so do I so hopefully wont end up getting stressed, we are bit low on the cash flow at the mo so cant really take hger out, but we did get her a scooter which she is now obsessed with so prob end up going out on that everyday!! I have to get one too....lol imagine that!

Anyway things are not great here, had a huge row with dp at the weekend and with me feeling so depressed, cant really deal with it all, but Emily is keeping me going so i jus plod on!

Take care girls and lots of   

Love Laura xx


----------



## kelway

hi laura and everyone, (laura) - sorry you are going through one of those tough patches, they do get better. have any of you had anyone say to you/insinuate that your being depressed/down about ttc unsuccessfully another might affect your child? i have, a couple of times and i take it so incredibly personal, that to me is such a huge insult, almost as if you are being accused of child neglect or something. just wondered. my dd is oddly enough (withough being biased, really) the happiest little girl of her age that i have come across, people are fascinated and come up to me ie if they spent the day at the nursery etc, point being, that as sh*t as i may feel inside sometimes she lives a really happy life in a happy home with parents that love and smother her with love more than anything, possibly alot more than some children with siblings coming out of their derriers!! it makes me mad. went to town, didn't spend any money which is good. took mert to hamleys and bought her just a small colouring pen and pad!! couldn't believe that a small bus ride up oxford street has gone up to £2, when i worked in town and it wasn't that long ago it was about 50p, blimey! xjox


----------



## kazvan

Big Hugs to honeyprincess - Its so awful when I fight with DH I feel awful for days.  Chin up hope it gets better.  It helps to think of all the good things.  Take out some happy holiday photos and you'll be surprised how the doom lifts as you can't be mad with happy thoughts.  Take care princess.

Luv 
Kaz


----------



## *Lollipop*

Hello ladies, yes i am still in the land of the living. I have just about got over work its been really busy and the pg diaries got off to a flying start from morning sickness to babies names and clothes being tight(already).Dont get me wrong i am really pleased for the girls but remarks like"My husband just needs to look at me and i get pregnant" are not going down too well right now. I have replied with you are very fortunate to be in that situation and just got looks of   i think it takes more than two brain cells to work that one out  did i really say that!!!!  is imminent and it is showing. Yet another failed cycle of clomid. Im thinking of stopping it until our IVF referral as i dont want it to cause my endometriosis to grow in big amounts before our treatment, does anyone know if clomid will cause this. Our cons has told us that he now thinks the problem is mechanics and that endometriosis has compromised the environment in the fallopian tubes, Has anyone heard of this??(it only took them ten years to decide this) I feel so let down right now.  Anyway we are awaiting our ref now either at Woking or Wessex, not sure where to go as all the reviews are good.Im sending out lots of    for everyone and i promise a more cheerful post next time. Take care everyonexxxx


----------



## sarylou

Im here just about, i have posted a seperate post about my appointment today and im now on clomid for 3 cycles-50mg. 
I hope it gives us a shot at a bfp, but im not holding out for it. 
Hope eveyones ok. xxx


----------



## kazvan

Hiya everyone

Just thought I would check and see how everyone is doing.

So glad its FRIDAY 

I can't believe its been such a long week. Roll on March and spring..

Oh well its nearly time to knock off work. I start 7:30 and finish at 4:30 and the days seem long and the weekend too short.

Everyone have a great evening keep those chins up

Luv ya
Kaz


----------



## emilycaitlin

Hi everyone,  Just wanted to give Gabrielle a  Hope next week is better for you and AF stays away


----------



## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Just wanted to say thanks for the support, i think it is just sheer frustration more than anything else, you think you are getting there slowly but surely and yet another hurdle is presented. I know we are extremely lucky to have my ds and I am always telling him how special he is and how much I love him everyday. It just makes me sad when he calls his 2 dogs his brothers. I have tried to sort of explain to him that some ladies are not able to have more than one baby, so he is sort of in the know of our situation. I know my feelings are like everyone Else's and that you feel that you must try everything possible in order to achieve your dream. If its not meant to be  at least you know in your heart you gave it the best shot you could)

Anyway how is everyone, what about all this weather eh! Its freezing here which is really unusual for the south, still wearing my thermals and passion killers(as dh calls them) I'm really looking forward to the sun shining again as i makes us all feel better  as well as a big box of After Eights which i have just eaten. 

I'm sending loads of     and this lovely , take care girlies heres to dreams coming truexxxxxxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone!

Will update you about Drs appointment in a mo.  

First of all, Kelway, I can't believe some ignorant idiots have insuated that feeling down over ttc might affect your little one.  What absolute rubbish!  I used to be a child protection officer and I can tell you that children are incredibly resiliant and it would take a lot more than mummy crying sometimes to affect them!  Its part of life and they will see people dealing with hard times all the time as they grow up.  The fact that you want another one so bad only goes to show how much you must love the one you've got.  Ooh I was so mad when I read that someone had said something so insensitive! As if you aren't beating yourself up enough!

Laura - sorry to hear about your row.  Hope you have made it up now.

Gabrielle - I think you and I may have similar problems.  Let me tell you about my appointment today and what I've researched!

After waiting for four months, and then a further hour and ten minutes at the clinic this afternoon, I was told that the consultant (who I've never seen!) was not there and I would be seeing a registrar.  I was not best pleased that after hanging my hopes on this appointment I wasn't even going to see the supposed expert! 

Anyway, it turns out I have a hydrosalpinx on my left tube, which means it is blocked and filled with fluid.  Now I've read that this fluid can be toxic for embryos and reduce my changes of a BFP even further, but the registrar didn't know what i was talking about and has just prescribed 50mg of chlomid for three months.  My next appointment is now June!  I'm absolutely gutted.  It seems that chlomid is going to be a complete waste of time if any embryo is going to be killed by toxic fluid from my tube.

So I'm hitting the wine tonight.  Not sure what to do at the moment, but considering going back to my GP to see if I can be referred to a different specialist (preferably one who is going to be at the hospital when I go for my appointments!).  Does anyone have any advice or experience of any of this.

V fed up.

Amanda


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear Amanda,

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Appointments at clinics dont happen overnight, and after all that waiting and anticipation you turn up only to find out that you know more about a subject than the so called specialist does.(Ive been there honey) It wouldn't do any harm to go to your GP and ask for another referral.(Just for a second opinion). I have just written a letter to my GP, he was very sympathetic and has referred us to another fertility clinic(Private) as we will not receive NHS funding. I know its another waiting process again but if its worthwhile then its worth the wait isn't it?.I'm hoping to receive an appointment in the next few months. So when i do will let you know how i get on, maybe shed more light!   Anyway good luck with the clomid   get practising who knows! lots of   coming your way ,you might not need to think about a Plan B. Take extra special care xxxx   to help you along.


----------



## Pand

Oh Gabrielle,

Thank you for your advice.  It makes such a difference being amongst women who are singing from the same hymn sheet.  I will follow your advice and go back to my GP as shes been so supportive.  Let me know when you get your appointment and keep me posted with any progress.  Will get practising as you suggested.  You never know, we might strike lucky.  Big hugs to you too.  Fingers crossed for a BFP for you.  Hope your chlomid does the trick!

Take care!

Love and stuff

Amanda xxx


----------



## kelway

hi all you lovely ladies, just a quick note. not had the best of days, feeling very low and bored at the moment as life is quite quiet. tonight i take my 5th clomid for this cycle which means i have to start trying again sex wise which is such a bore......(how awful to admit that but just being honest, such an effort despite loving dh and thinking he is gorgeous, i just can't be bothered). other areas in my life seem quite rubbish right now but that could be the clomid which has made me VERY miserable this month. spoke on phone to my best friend (the pg one, now around 22 weeks) - she told me in detail today about the 3d scan she had early this morning and what the child looked like etc, told me how lovely it was now the baby was moving around inside her. i love my friend like a sister, and she is not rubbing my nose in it, i asked her about her pregnancy so she is telling me, i cannot hide from the fact that she is PREGNANT, it is just so hard hearing about it although i cannot not askher and pretend it will go away. i so long to feel a baby moving around inside me again, i remember i missed it once i had given birth to mert, i remember the joy of scans too, she is so lucky but i know she knows she is, she deserves it, she has been through alot to get to this stage, i so envy her. i have been eating loads too, quite quite overweight for me and tonight is no exception, dh and are are watching our royels dvd box set (we love the royels) and each night, when we watch an episode there is always an emphasis for food and i seem to get cravings for what they are eating if toffee crisps, club biscuits, sausage and mash etc so tonight i will eat the best part of a packet of blue ribbon bisc's!! 
sarylou - best of luck with the old clomid, bout' time one of us had some success with it.
gabrielle - sorry to read that you think af is coming, perhaps it won't!? darn clomid, seems that it certainly fails more than succeeds?! fingers crossed for you this cycle though.
amanda - wow, you must have had some emotional experiences having been a child protection person. just reading in the paper today about that little girl of 4 who had been abused by her mother and father makes me feel so angry and upset, what kind of monsters can do this to a child, least of all their own. they should be castrated so they can't have children in future. thanks for your kind words earlier, much needed. as for clomid, best of luck, yet another one prescribed it - seems it is thrown at all of us willy nilly although SURELY it will work for one of us sooner or later. probably not me as i am the oldest but it would be lovely it one of you got pg by taking it. i too am on 50mg, this month i feel quite hormonal (depressed) but last month wasn't too bad, mostly (for me anyway) i feel 'normal'.........! big hugs everyone. joxx


----------



## TC2

Hi All

Amanda - Def go to GP its too important not to!

Jo - AF came 6 days ate - (no point testing as cos we are doing IVF we are barred from unprotected sex - seems crazy but if you get pg when on treatment it wont survive and would be doomed as all the drugs affect it!).

Hope everyone has a good weekend,

Teena x


----------



## *Lollipop*

Well Ladies as predicted   flew down and made her appearance quite clear this morning, though I'm not surprised as was getting the usual twinges before hand. One day ill tell her exactly what she can do with that broomstick of hers   . Anyway we have decided to give ourselves a break until we attend our cons appointment and  commence our IVF treatment. So lots of   without the pressure. 

Amanda hope the hangover isn't too bad, Ive got a bottle of Lambrusco in for me tonight(its strong for me honest!!, i will get tipsy on that) or cheap night out as dh says. Also yet another box of After Eights, (Ive got shares in the stuff), 

Take extra special care everyone and have a good weekend xxxxxxxlots of     like Jo said its got to work sooner or later..xx


----------



## kelway

hi gabrielle, sorry it didn't work out for your this month, never mind, there is always the next try and the next and the next........! all the best jox


----------



## Keira

Hi Ladies

I had my 2nd scan yesterday for IUI with Menopur,  not much happening so to keep going with the injections and go back on Monday morning.    DS Nursery is off on Monday so will have to drag him with me,  he will not be impressed     

Hi gabrielle, kelway, teena, amanda, kaz, emilycaitlin, suszy, sarylou & anyone I have forgot.

Kx


----------



## kelway

hi keira, better luck on monday - i assume they are looking for growing follicles? i may try iui later in the year - i will watch how you get on!! fingers crossed, keep us updated. joxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
i wrote you two messages last night and lost them both, one I was intruppted by a phone call and the other by dh - i was doing them on the lap top and it went into its quiet mode and must have pressed the wrong button.
anyway hope you are all feeling a bit brighter.
it really is a tough old journey and I am so glad we all have each other for comfort and sharing stories and that despite knowing how lucky we are to have our existing children we all so much want another.  I am so relieved to have found somewhere that I can write down these feelings and not feel guilty.
not really sure where to start as i wrote individuals yesterday and lost them all - also let me know if you want to be knows as you log in name or your real name as it were
Kelway - hope you are feeling brighter today, it really sucks the way we are up and down like a yoyo but hopefully this week of half term will give us all a break - I agree with the comments about our existing kids suffering because sometimes we get upset at not having another - I had a comment only the other day about how quiet my son was and how it took him a long time to warm up - this is usually after school and he likes to sit on my lap and have a cuddle while he gets used to things - ok it does not help that he has his thumb in his mouth but i would rather that than her mad kids running riot around the house!  people do have a cheek sometimes!  also I think you pg friend should go easy on you a bit and I would tell her you find it difficult hearing about all the ins and outs of her pg

Keira - good luck with the appointment on Monday as well and hope those follys are growing - perhaps you could make it an adventure for him and take him to the cafe and play area and explain the nice people at the hospital are helping mummy have a baby, i used to feel guilty if i ever took him with me as felt for the other mums and then one day this bloke was in there with three that were running riot 
and I had to tell them and mine to be quiet as felt so much for the other ladies. realise when I was going for my clomid appointments that the clinic had all sorts in there including perhaps ET and ED etc etc

Gabrielle - sorry about the old witch (I have just had mine and no matter how much you know its not going to happen there is always that glimmer of hope) think its a good idea to give yourselves a break because it becomes so pressurised and I agree with Kelway that BMS especially after years is just no fun and so mechanical and in fact upsetting.  Gab - wish you would stop talking about after eights - i have some in the cupboard and was easily polishing off a box but now I am at ww and lost three pounds I cannot - I had more than a bottle last night and was very tipsy and made two snowmen at 10pm as it was beautiful and I could tell it was melting.

TC2 - now af is here does it mean you have to start stimming? funny how you are not allowed to have unprotected sex when the aim is to get pg - it was the same with the IUI at certain times.

Pand - hope you don't have too much of a hangover after all that wine- how upsetting for you re your tube but hopefully the other one is ok? agree with you re clomid think perhaps you should be doing ICSI (where they put the sperm in the egg and back in the womb) sometiems think we know more than the so called experts esp after being on here and its so frustrating waiting all that time and then the bloddy person you are supposed to see not there - drives me mad!  i would go back to gp and glad you and gab have more stuff in common so nice to be going through stuff with others

sarylou - glad you feeling a bit better and know where you were going - i personally don't like clommid myself and wish I had not done it for six months and then waited for IUI because i tried acupuncture as its put me back a year but hopefully it will work for you but does make you abit grumpy if i remember right and kelway says it makes her grumpy (not that IVF makes you feel any better from what I hear) and at least you are doing something and you get to see your ovaries every month!

Kazvan -hope you are having a good weekend
emily caitlin - hope you are doing ok
laura - sorry you feeling down and had a row with dp - this if lark puts a lot of pressure on our relationships but we must hang in there - your crafty things sound like fun - you are a better mum than me with that messy play!
with kazvan there are 12 of us - not bad really.
anyway girls better sign off before I lose it and I might not even do spell check
hope you are all ok and it makes sense and good luck to you all and thanks as ever for all being here - its so nice to know there are people I can share my hopes and fears with.

had a nice lazy day today, built more snowpeople and went sledging we are a little higher so have more snow but most is melting
take care
bye for now
susie


----------



## emilycaitlin

Hi,

We've no snow whatsoever, it's quite depressing!!

Sorry I've no time for personals, will try and catch up next week, but hope everyones weekend is going ok


----------



## jakesmum

Hi everyone, I hope you dont mind me joining your thread!

I only found this site yesterday, and I'm really pleased I did.  Anyway, here's my story (hope I don't bore you all to death lol).

I'm 29 and dh is 35 and we have one adorable ds who will be 4 at the end of the month.  We have been ttc for about 18 months, I went to doctors at six months then again at one year and he poohooed me saying I quote "you would be laughed out of an infertility clinic, you are young and healthy and already have a child so everything is in working order.  It is very common for it to take two years to conceive".  

Just to spite him (he was an ass) I said "well I have been getting some pelvic pain, which I had, but nothing which made me think I needed an exam, just normal aches and pains every now and again which I assumed were to do with af or ov etc.  Anyway, he told me to book back in with the lady doctor, who then said there was no point in examining me and I should see a gynecologist.  Luckily I have BUPA with work so I booked in to see a gyno who specialised in fertility too (really lovely lady)!

She took one look at me (not a pleasant experience) and said she suspected I had adhesions from having the coil fitted after ds was born.  Apparently I had a high up infection (PID) which had no symptoms.  the infection went and left scaring.  After crying and going crazy thinking I had an STD (been happily married since I was 21 so no way I had contracted one!!!!!) she told me that PID is not an STD but is sometimes known as one as it can result from chlamida (lucky she told me this otherwise I would have been straight home hitting ds with the iron).

Went in 3 days later and had laparoscopy which showed left tube was badly scarred, apparnetly this is fine now, although I need to be careful the op itself doesn't cause scaring.  Consultant did a sperm test too as right tube was fine so I should have been able to get pregnant and there was no probs with ovulation. 

Unfortunatley DH had low sperm motility, volume and shape?  She said we have 5% chance of conceiving naturally unless sperm changes.  This was all one week before Xmas.  DH has given up smoking since 2 January (bless him), started eating veggies as he only used to eat mushy peas (are they veggies) - even brussell sprouts!!  He's also started taking vitamins.  I guess I can't ask for everything but he hasn't given up drinking!  Still 10 out of 10 for effort. 

Consultant has told us to come back at end of February (although I'm not sure if this is long enough, as someone said 3 months for sperm to change) but that's what she said so thats what we will do, for another test.  If its still low we have to have IVF.

This was my worst nightmare as there is no way we can afford IVF - but I found out about egg sharing yesterday so am going to call the hospitals tomorrow (just in case they don't do it at our hospital).  

Anyway, hope I haven't sent you all to sleep and its nice to meet you all.

Emma


----------



## ♥emmyloupink♥

xxxxxxxxxx you had no bubbles


----------



## pip34

hi everyone

welcome *jakesmum * good luck with yr appopintment at the end of the month xx   

*emilycaitlin* we only had snow for one day lol how boring not even the snow men survived  still its beta than nothing lol i couldnt even go out with children had to send them out with my friends as got the workmen it doing kitchen

*Keira* good luck for tommorow hun xx

*gabrielle* sorry bout the  arriving hope u enjoyed thewine and choccys  

* kelway * how u feeling hun 

*pand* hope u get on ok with yr gp  

*sarylou* how r u hun. glad hope the clomid wks for u hun il keep everything crossed for u xx

hi to everyone else hope yr all keeping ok. 
i had to start 2ww again because when i got a lh surge at beging of month it wasnt as strong as test line but it was 14 th day nad had faint 29th jan 30 more stronger then wker the next day so did insem  for them days but i bought a cleablue digital monitor and carried on testing and had a positive on 20th day 9th feb so ive had insem again  and started again. my cycles all up in the air lol its bn nearly 4 months since losing thomas i suppose my body is still trying to get bk to norm still. so im testing on 23rd. i have a known donor so im quite lucky that he has been understanding this month lol   better than dh who has been a pain in the  the lastfew wks. driving me   grr.lol


----------



## emilycaitlin

Welcome to emmyloupink and jakes mum!!  You are very welcome to join us on here, we are all a bit mad, but you get used to it


----------



## kelway

hi everyone, just a quick note as just got in from't market. not a bad day, fortunately didn't seem millions of older pg ladies (just a few hundred instead) but oddly enough my hormones weren't beating me up too badly so coped well although i did get two cups accidentally broken from a rare complete retro coffee set by a chap paying for something else (he dropped a couple of quid coins and it broke the cups), c'est la vie.
just a quick welcome to EMMA - welcome to our safe and friendly little cyber sitting room, ps: is dh wearing loose fitting underpants!! (these are apparently better than tight fitting ones). & PIP, thanks for asking about me, i am ok. entering 'mid supposed cycle approach' so gearing up to a week of sexual effort with poor old dh, i am so tired but i will muster up the engergy some how. i do feel optimistic for you, i think that it is just a matter of time until you get a bfp so fingers crossed for you. lots of love everyone, hope you are all ok? jox


----------



## honeyprincess

Hey everyone

Hope your all ok??
Have had another crap week, more rows! 
We have both been very anxious as my 'not so sensitive' friend had her baby, and we went to visit them saturday!
But it actually wasnt as bad as i imagined, baby was tiny made me want one even more and also felt bit jealous...only took her 3 months to get pregnant and now she has a gorgeous little baby, why cant we have one?! 

AF is 4 days late, how i wish that a miracle would happen, but it will never happen!

Steve made a dr app for thursday....to discuss more bout DI, to be honest i think if we had some councilling we would be alot better, He got told he was completely infertile then left to get on with it, at his last app with his chromosone specialist 6 months ago he was referred for councilling but of course the nhs are so crap still havent heard anything, so we know our only option is Donor sperm, the nhs wont fund any treatment and they also dont bother to help us cope with the emotional side of infertility!! 

Ok rant over...sorry!

take care all
Love Laura xx


----------



## Keira

Hi Ladies

Went for another scan today and still nothing much happening,  to go back tomorrow and dosage of Menopur might need to be increased.  I felt so guilty trying to hide behind the curtain so ds would not see me getting the scan (internal scan).  He was quiet when we left the clinic and I think he is wondering what is going on.    I would not normally take him but Nursery was off today.

welcome Emma    

Kx


----------



## kelway

hi everyone, just a quickie, 
laura - sorry to read you are feeling down. here is a hug ((x))
kiera - darn closed nursery, makes appointments really awkward with dd, i know. sorry nothing happening downstairs, there is still time though...
all the best jox


----------



## jakesmum

Hi everyone, 

I rang CRM today and got put through to the consultant who got me to come in this afternoon for tests!!  Can't beleive it was that quick  Anyway, had bloods and internal scan thingy (not pleasant) and DH has to go for sperm test on Thursday.  Apparently it takes 3 weeks for my results to come back.  Then he said it would be about 2 months to match me up!

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, I'm so excited - only three weeks to wait to see if bloods were ok (can I survive with no sleep for three weeks??)


----------



## Keira

morning all

Just back from yet another scan,  lining 5.3 and one follie of 10mm,  I have to up my dose of Menopur to 225 and probably go back tomorrow.    This takes quite a bit out of you and there is a lot more to it than I thought.  DS said to me last night 'mummy I can see your baby in your tummy'    I think he noticed the scan machine and had seen his own scan pictures.    Let hope he does not broadcast my pg (or lack of it) around the street. 

jakesmum -  glad to see you got a quick appt,  lets hope things can get moving for you.    I will be interested to hear about egg share,  my dh is unwilling to pay for IVF and we are getting IUI on the NHS.    I would not qualify for IVF on NHS with having ds, which is fair enough.

Kx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Its getting busy on this board welcome to Emma, Jakesmum and pip
Hi to honeyprincess, Keira, Kelway, emilycaitlin, sarylou, gabrielle, Pand, kazvan, tc2
good luck to you all at your different stages - really sounds like we are getting some movement.
anyway take care girls and will write again soon
susie


----------



## pip34

hi everyone

just had nhs appointment with the fertility doc and was told cant have icsi on nhs but can go private     there answer for everything but if youve not got the money like us then its not that simple so will have to carry on using donor.  we didnt even speak n she said before we start yr not entitled to treatment on nhs i think could have been more subtle lol.  

keira  hope the scan goes well for u hunny xxx

hi to all will be back later to do more personals later xxxxxx

hope u all have a fab valentines day and hope dh's and dp's spoil you all rotten with choccys and flowers n goodies lol


----------



## kelway

hi pip, sorry to read that you cannot get nhs fertility treatment - seems that to be rich really is important when infertile - whoever said money can't buy you love? bloody well can joxx


----------



## SUSZY

dear girls
esp pip so sorry re your news re tx and private - to be honest think I would be pg as a few of us over 40 with one child would be if we did not have to pay for it - it does not seem fair esp with the state benefits others (not if but other people)get - if you are on benefits and over 40 do you get you tx paid for or does that not come up - sorry don't want to get hate mail but it does not seem fair that we all work pay our taxes and then when we want something can't get it.  if i had wanted root tx on my tooth would have had to pay over 300 quid but stil had to pay 42 to have it out even on nhs.  i know i am lucky because have a good life but it does get one down.  wish i could say more but we are looking at 5k for our egg donor hence me taking so long in deciding as no guarantees know there have 
sorry suppose to cheer us up and has not have had a nice evening my dh won't go out tonight as rekons its a r off but have had some flowers, a choc orange and champagne so cannot complain (probably just contradicted myself ) but i just want a baby
will post again soon
please take care girls we will get there one day
love
susie


----------



## Heather 5

Hi Susie 
I was reading about your experience with the NHS,  I too was offered very little help,  I have worked as a nurse in this system for many years and because I already had one child with my DH I was told that after clomid there would be no other funding,  I also live on the Isle Of Wight so I have to travel alot to get treatment,  Due to this I have had to give up my job & still find the money for my travel & treatment.  I feel that I have been let down by a system that I have worked so hard for,  I wish you all the luck for the future
MaiaX


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## SUSZY

dear maia
welcome to this thread.
think i was having a bit of a rant last night after having a couple and also the lap top i sometimes use keeps shutting itself off (and had a phone call in the middle) anyway quite agree about how unfair it all is, however saying all that I feel sorry for the younger girls with no kids who are told they have to wait until they are near their mid 30s before having paid tx. not sure what the answer is but when i end up dreaming about going in and giving the consultants and assistant a hard time (and wake up feeling like I have) then I know its really on my mind.
good luck for your future too seems so unfair you being a nurse as well - i also don't rekon that clomid - and keep posting on here - there are all sorts of stories and it does help one to get through the hard times.
take lots of care 
hi to the rest of the girls
look after yourselves
take care
susie


----------



## kelway

just to annoy your further, a close wealthy friend of mine recently had (failed) ivf and her bloody dr surgery paid for the meds which is apparently the most expensive part - there is no way my surgery would pay for anything and my friend is same age as me (in her 40's) plus already has one child concieved through ivf a couple of years ago. stinks really. jox


----------



## honeyprincess

Hi girlies how are you all?

Well we are getting started......Been to see Dr this morning and he is referring us to fertility clinic!!
Even though its just waiting for our 1st app, im so nervous, there are so many questions we need answering, so it will be good to finally get chance to discuss everything, but same time so worried bout cost as we wont get nhs funding, its so unfair and definatly true wat you said jo...' seems that to be rich really is important when infertile'!!

Anyway gotta go and deliver my avon now lol......bing bong avon calling!

Love laura xxx


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## kelway

hi laura avon lady - pleased you got your appointment. i feel like sh*t today actually, took mert to see charlotte's web and bumped into an old aquaintance in the lobby who asked where my baby was, when i looked at her blankly and said what baby, she said she thought i would have another by now, slap in the face for me and que my having to tell her that i can't have any more or at least very unlikely. second winding was on the phone to another vague friend, a year older than me (43 so technically old) and not even been trying ttc No. 2 for a year yet and yet she has had two mc's and has an incredibly fsh of only 3.9 - she told me that in that short time of ttc she has not even been trying properly either and yet still got pg a few times whilst there is me a year younger, been flat out at it for 2 years and had zilch, not even a sniff at pregnancy only in my imagination on the odd ocasion, so there you have it, i feel like sh*t and dh is going off to the US for a month or so in about a month so things are really looking great right now. a miserable jo/x


----------



## TC2

Hi All

Firstly sorry for being a bit AWOL, have been trying to stay away as with having treatment i am getting a bit obsessed LOL  

Jo  - sorry you are feeling bad - people are just so tactless (understatement) we all get it....right now i am just being frank with people as ive had enough of thinking of their feelings.

Susie - I have given up using the lap top to come on here - i always lose my posts too!!!! so annoying.

Hi Maia and Jakesmum.  

As for me i had my baseline scan yesterday and bloods.  Was not happy as FSH in Jan (and previous four times in last year) was 6 and under - yesterday it was 10  arrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!     anyhow just means i need to increase my drugs and pray it doesnt affect the number of eggs i get!  (want lots so we stand better chance of going to Blatocyst and hopefully will have some to freeze, as cant afford more than one full cycle - no NHS funding for me)  Go for my injection technique appt on friday and start stimming on Sat!!!  Am off work now till next thursday in an attempt to relax and not kill people with mad affect of drugs....   Planning to spend lots of time with DS (Harrison) and try and chill out.

Hope you all had happy valentines....we went out for a meal but i nearly fell asleep      Drugs are getting to me now.

Teena x


----------



## Keira

Hi Ladies

had another scan today and the higher dose of Menopur has worked but worked too well and now have too many follies the same size    another scan tomorrow but tx might need to be cancelled this month.    My clinic is closing in May and moving into a large specialist unit (just told me today) and I would not qualify for IUI with having ds,  I must try and get my 3 NHS turns over with by May so I don't miss out.

hope you are all well  

Kx


----------



## kelway

evening y'all, teena - i still think from what i have read that an fsh of ten is still considered to be good/acceptable; they do fluctuate so it may well go down again so try not to be allarmed.
kiera - too many follies in my ignorance, is that not a good thing? (i would have thought better to have too many than not enough?). 
anyone that has had iui, did you all have an hiv test? i was told that they always do one - even though i have not been miss sleepeezee plus i did have an hiv test (which was neg) years ago i still feel nervous to have one, just hormonal paranoia. joxx hugs to one and all, especially those hormonal and feeling rubbish!


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## TC2

Hiya

Jo - I had to have one for IUIs  Our clinic has to have you have one within last 6 months. 
FSH of 10 is ok but was priding myself that my body was behaving and was a bit surprised that it was raised as i hadnt felt that stressed till the last few days - but obviously have been (FFs on ICSI board reassure me that it rises with stress)  

Anyhow had injection technique appointment today - all set for tomorrow now.  Then went to hairdressers to get new look (  Ha Ha just get rid of some greys!) and 'Can you believe it' my hairdresser tells me (hes a bloke) that hes been to hospital this morning cos his wifey is expecting number two..   Then proceeds to tell me how its all going so easily and that they just started trying and it worked the second month blah blah blah for 2 hours!!!!  I was dead well behaved as i didnt want to come out with bad hair and was worried a bad comment from me might reflect in my hair!!!      Not even safe with male hairdressers.

Well hope you all have a fab weekend, we are hoping it stays dry as have promised DS a walk in the woods....

Teena x


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## kelway

oh teena, that is bloody awful - i assume he knows nothing of your predicament? i have a big mouth and am cursed with an openess unknown to most!! and would probably have said that i used to be like that (very fertile) but am now unable to have a second child despite trying desperately, just to shut him up. as for the fsh rising if stressed, blimey, if that is true at times mine must be up in the 90's!! xxxx lots of luck


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone!

Sorry haven't been on for a week, have been away in Centreparcs for half term (paid for by my mum in law god bless her!).  It was a wonderful week and felt like I had been lifted into an alternate reality where none of this awfulness was happening.  Apart from my sister in law who is 24 weeks pregnant with her first.  I am thrilled for her as they lost a baby in 2005 in horrific circumstances, but they kept leaving their Mothercare catalogue on the coffee table, discussing what they were going to buy, asking me to feel the baby kicking etc etc.  I was a very good girl and played along, but it still bloody hurt!

Anyway, I went to see my GP on Monday and she was lovely.  She promised she would speak to a specialist at the hospital and then phoned me last night.  Apparently, hydrosalpinxs shouldn't affect naturally concieved pregnancies and he recommends I go ahead with the chlomid for six months.  He has said I can have surgery to have my tube clipped or drained and my GP is going to refer me to his clinic.  So I'm feeling a little more positive than I was last weekend (not that I know anyone who has taken chlomid and its worked!).

I will catch up on all of the personals later in the week. My little one is nagging me to play with him and I've just spent half an hour reading everyones posts.  Keep up the fight everyone.  Just by the law of averages its got to work for one of us eventually! 

Take care

Amanda


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## kelway

hi amanda, jo here, just to let you know, over on the clomid board a lady called rosie has just (this morning) got a bfp and she was (i think) on clomid, take a look. i am now mid cycle (3rd try on clomid) but can't see it working for me but will try anyway. all the best, give it a go, it does work for some. jox


----------



## Keira

Hi Ladies

My IUI is going ahead on Monday,  I had 7th scan this morning and have one 'leading' follie,    I had ovulation booster at 10.30am this morning and to have   tomorrow and IUI on Monday  

Amanda  -  I conceived ds on Clomid so it can work     

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend,  I have ds and all his friends in at the moment and they are wrecking my house whilst I sit typing.    I am going to kick some 

Kx


----------



## TC2

Hi All

Keira - Good luck! Sending you lots of      for you.

Pand - Which centerparcs did you go to?  We have never been and were thinking about going to Elveden Forest when we go to Bourn Hall (Cambridge).  I know i wont be able to swim but DH and DS can and it looks like there is so much to do?

Well im off for a run now, then first injection tonight... hey ho! x

Teena x


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## kelway

keira - best of luck for monday, let us know how it goes. jox


----------



## Guest

hiya girls, sorry ive been awol.

its been hard but weve finally got the money for a cycle of ivf, weve got to wait tho cos dh has gotta be tested for the cf gene  

anyway, just had a quick nosey thru the posts but will come back soo and have a proper read and do personals, dint want you all to think i'd forgot you  

take care, love n hugs, maz xxx


----------



## Keira

morning ladies

well yesterdays IUI went well,  I had 20 million   put back in so now it just down to luck.    So the dreaded 2WW is upon me and I dont go back for a pg test until 07/03.    


Hi to maz, jo, teena, amanda, jakesmum, laura, susie, maia

Kx


----------



## pip34

hi everyone

*TC2* how the injections going hun xx

*maz1980 * thats great news hun hope u get to start real soon il be keeping everything crossed for u xx  

*Keira* hope everything went ok for u yesterday keeping everything crossed for u hun is yr house still in one peice lol   

*pand* hopeu enjoyed yr hols as much as u could hun and glad that yr feeling more positive sending u some         

* kelway * how u feeling hun xxx 

hope everyone else is ok xxxxx


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## pip34

hi Keira

we must have posted at same time glad everything went good yesterday and hope u have a sane 2ww im near the end of mine and going   .  good luck


----------



## kelway

hi lovely ladies, pip and kiera, best of luck with your outcome. a week before dh goes away i am going to book iui - i have been told i have to allow a 6 week wait for initial consultation; once had the consultation then all systems go apparently - they do an hiv test (this makes me nervous even though i had one about ten years ago and have only slept with dh since but still makes me nervous). i remember when i had dd i lost alot of blood and they wanted me to have a blood transfusion but i came over all jehovahs witness and said no, even though i felt really ill i couldn't face the thought of someone else's blood in me, go figure! anyway, all the luck in the world to you guys. for me, i doubt iui would work as iui doesn't help with old delapadated eggs which is what i think my problem is more than likely, still, always worth a try. i feel more optimistic for you too as younger and fresher!! all the luck in the world. joxx


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## TC2

Hiya All....

Kiera - Glad the IUI went well... keeping my  for your   and sending you lots of  

Jo - Perhaps its not your 'old delapidated eggs' though?  Male fertility does fall off in some men and an IUI might be just what you need..... you never know!!   

Hi Maz   Glad to see you back... how long till you can get DH tested? and is it one that takes a few weeks to get result?  It must be frustrating now you are ready but cant start. 

Pip, how much longer on your 2WW?  My injections are going ok except they do sting and everyone told me they wouldnt so i am feeling a bit cheated!!  

Am feeling like c**p though, glad i took a few days off as i dont think i could work at the moment, ive no patience and am very irritable and feel nauseus too.  Am being soo good though and doing everything as instructed, (do you know how hard it is to drink 3 litres of water and 60g of protein? especially when you are feeling nauseus and bloated!)  Anyhow this time next week will hopefully be egg collection day and then it will be up to the clever people in white coats to do their stuff!

Today has been a glorious day here and ive been in the garden, hope its been nice for you guys,

Teena x


----------



## Guest

hi teena,
yea its the 4 week test. we've been referred so its just the wait.
we've decided that even if he tests positive we will still go ahead, theres a 1 in 4 chance of our baby having cystic fibrosis if he tests pos. i look at it as theres 75% chance our baby will be fine  
sorry to hear your not feeling too good, hopefully it will all be worth it in the end 

take care, love maz xxx


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## pip34

hi tc2

i test on friday 23rd although i have cheated today and done hpt and had faint line but not getting excited yet will now wait til friday i need the     lol hope u feel better soon hun xx


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## kelway

hi teena, sorry you are feeling bad - i didn't know that with ivf (among other things) you had to drink so much water, i don't think i could do that. question re iui as i will be having this in the next few months, what does it mean if it is 'abandoned'? i am guessing this means that the follies didn't grow enough??
how come you have glorious weather? are you in the uk....... as for dh, he had his sperm checked a while ago and all was well so it all falls down to good old me. fingers crossed for you, let us know how it goes. joxx


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## kelway

pip, that's fantastic news, a line is a line - HOORAH.xx


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## pip34

hi jo

thanks hun but i cant beleive it myself i just hope its still there friday lol   

if i had my way il test every day till then but dh says no lol he bought one more for friday lol and thats it because last month i spent a fortune because af was 2wks late lol


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## Pand

Hi everyone! 

Back as I promised with the personals!

Pip - Oh my god! I am so excited for you.  Even a faint line is still a line.  You are being very controlled!  I would be testing every two minutes.  Fingers crossed for you hun.

Susie - Are you ok?  Haven't heard from you for a bit.  You really helped me when I was down, so it would be great to hear from you.  Have you made any decisions about donor eggs?

Maz - excellent news about your funding!  Another tiny step forward in the right direction and the odds sound like they are in your favour.

Teena - We went to the Longleat Centreparcs.  I've heard Elvedean is lovely too.  There is so much to do and my little one absolutely loved it!  Sorry to hear your injections are making you feel so lousy, but stick with it chick the outcome could be well worth it!  I know three people who only had IVF once and got pregnant.

Kiera - The 2WW is pants isn't it?  I'm near to the end of mine and af is due at the weekend.  Pretty sure I won't be as we only managed it once, and that was three days before OV.  So not getting my hopes up!  How many cycles of chlomid did you take before you fell pregnant with DS?  

Kelway - Thanks for the message about the chlomid board.  Have had a look and read Rosies story which has given me some hope!  Good luck with your IUI.  Let us know how you get on.

Laura - Keep us posted with your appointment date.  Make sure you check the consultant will be there on the day you go!  Don't go through what I did!

Gabrielle - How are you doing?

Welcome to Jakes Mum (Good news about your cons appointment) and Emmyloupink.

I think that's everyone!  Sorry if I've missed anyone out!

Speak to you all soon!

LOL  Amanda


----------



## SUSZY

Dear girls
sorry been away from  here myself but its been busy which is good and so many of you are going through so much stuff I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you all

pip - really good luck for Friday - lets hope you are our first!! try and hold out til friday with the tests because as you say they are soo expensive and you need to wait til right day
kelway - IUI could work for you and its a nice tx but I have had to come to terms with my eggs being old so its egg donor for us or nothing - its really hard to accept but once you are there it gets easier because you don't get so hopeful every month!
Maz - good to see you back and glad you have saved up  - you must be very good at it
teena - hope you begin to feel bit less bloated soon - you are doing really well keeping up that regime (not looking forward to that bit if do go ahead with egg donor ivf)
keira - so well the IUI went well and will be keeping fingers crossed for you too
Pand - glad you had a good hol we are off too sherwood this weekend for long weekend - it will be the first time up there although we been do elevden which really nice and Whinfell in lakes about four times - looking forward to it

teena/kelway - its been nice here today too - I had the kids make pancakes this morning which I really enjoyed and then walked back from school - also had friend back for coffee and long chat with another one - seems because i am feeling better and brighter everything slotting into place. 
its my little ones 5th birthday on Thursday - cannot believe it - but he had a lovely party on Sunday with a friend from school and we are having another little one for him on the day and then cparcs and a week after skiing so lots to look forward to,  also the daffs, snowdrops and primroses making me smile and it was light until 6pm things are looking up all around 
also hope we get some bfps on here!
honeyprincess - hope you are doing ok - try not to get too nervous and ask questions on here about what to ask
hi to maia /jakesmum hope you are doing ok
   
sending this off before i lose it
just wanted to wish you all lots of luck again and will keep everything crossed for those of you on the 2ww and at any other stage of tx
take care
girls
love
susie


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## Keira

Hi 

pip -  OMG,  fantastic news but you are naughty   

amanda  -  I conceived after 6 months on clomid 50mg.   It was my last month on it before moving to IUI so thankfully it worked.   

Kx


----------



## TC2

Hiya all

Thanks for your support...its really great to know people are looking out for you.

Maz - ^fingercrossed^ DHs CF test is -ve then you wont have to worry.

Pip - Wow a line is a line.. ..what tests are you using? some have lower values to get a line than others, so if your using a regular one like clearblue or predictor you can be sure youve got a good level.  ive got some really low level tests i got off internet for those (like myself) who obsess about early testing.  Obviously no use to me now i am doing ICSI (cos they put you on drugs which can give a false +ve hpt result).  ^fingercrossed^ for friday!

Jo - lots of water is essential for your liver and kidneys and also for staving off the hyperstimulation that can occur.  Our IUIs were abandoned for a couple of reasons: first two were because they tried me on clomid too but i overstimulated on 50mg and got 7 follies one month and 3 follies the next (the second month was on no clomid but hangover from the previous month), we didnt go with the IUI as i had three big follies and a triplet pregnancy was too risky! However DHs sperm was getting worse by the month and our last IUI was abandoned as we had a sperm sample 'incompatible with pregnancy' so lab wouldnt release it, it was so poor it wasn't possible.    I quite liked the IUIs really and i dont feel it wasted my time as i do know three people who had success with it (one  has used IUI to have two babies and succeeded). It taught me alot about my cycles with the follicular tracking and all the blood tests.  We are in Jersey (if you believe the new ads on the TV its the sunniest place in the British isles!).  Its usually like the south and perhaps a degree or two warmer. (but also foggier and more windy at times!).

Amanda - I think we have definately decided to go to Centerparcs next week...hoping they will have last minute space (cant book it as we are not sure if it will be at beginning of week or end yet - will know more after scan on friday.  Did they have lots of kids activities at this time of year?  there are quite a few things in the brochure but i wasn't sure if they were seasonal.  It looks like what we need to chill out but have some activities at hand for DS.

Susie - Glad you are feeling a bit more at ease and brighter...so you have been to Elveden CP presume you liked it?  Hope you enjoy sherwood and skiing, very exciting few weeks ahead.

Well time for me to get my beauty sleep,

Take care  

Teena x


----------



## kelway

Susie, just a quickie (hi there), i was wondering as you said your eggs were too old, do you know what your fsh is? fertility in women in their 40's definately varies, i think that alot of women especially who already have a child in their 40's seem to get pg resonably easily and some like me perhaps don't, but just because you are nearly 43 still doesn't rule you out, you are less than a year older than me and i ain't given up, not yet no way no howand nor should you!!! xx


----------



## emilycaitlin

Hi,

Sorry I've not been around much, I went to London for a long weekend.  I'm at work at the mo, so it's just a quickie, but congratulations to pip!!  Fingers crossed for Friday!!


----------



## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Hello to *Susie*,*Kelway,Keira,Pand,Honeyprincess,Pip,Maz and Emilycaitlin* and a big WELCOME to *Maia* and *Jakesmum*.

Firstly I would like to wish *Pip* all the very best of luck and    for Friday with her appointment with the  . Do us proud chick!!! I will be thinking of you!!!

I would also like to apologize for not posting for a while. My dh has had me locked in a cupboard  without a catwoman outfit to play with only to be fed bread and water for a few days, this was my punishment for hogging the laptop.

On a serious note i have not been myself for the past week or so, having now arrived at the ivf point after years of tests and ttc etc recent fsh results were taken in readiness to prepare for our ivf treatment and they did not look good. So treatment is on hold for the time being. Having just been on clomid i pointed this out to the fertility nurse, she did say that clomid will flucuate your levels and that you may not get a true result, she recommended that i test again in a few weeks. 
After this news having surfed the world looking for a cure!!!!!!!I am now having acupuncture with lots of chinese medicine and apart from chilling you out  it does keep you regular if you know what i mean. He also stated that stress does not help (the morning of the test i was rushing around like a blue a**** fly trying to get bloods done before i went to work ) he has also recommended that i test again in a few weeks for a more realistic result.(Does anyone have any idea how long clomid may stay in your system).

Anyway not a lot else to report until i resolve this just wanted to wish everyone lots a    and   for everyone on their 2ww. Just to finish off with a few  too.

Everyone take extra special care and look after their yin and yang ok (getting used to the lingo).....

 Gabrielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## honeyprincess

Hi girls

Pip: thats brill news     fingers crossed 4 testing 2moz!
Keira: How u doing on ur 2ww,wens test day?
Hope everyone else is ok..?

I havent been sleeping much....im so nervous and im only waiting for 1st appointment...how bad am i gonna b wen we start tx??
Everything is going around in my head, I think iv jus about got my head around  using donor sperm, as obviously its the only way for us to have a babe, but i jus keep thinking bout the whole clinical thing like......
wat are they gonna do to me? 
will it hurt? 
wat if they are horrible to me? 
wat if, after test they tell me i have fertilty probs?
wat if i do get preg n m/c again?
And dont even get me started on how the hell we r gonna pay 4 it!

Dp is actually being really posative bout everything now,which is brill cuz he was so down & negative, but since we saw dr last week hes changed  
We are talkin about it more now and last night i asked him how he was feeling about waiting for app....he had a huge smile n said hes really excited!!
Where as im petrified.....am i normal?

Anyway im off to do bit of ironong b4 the dreaded school run!

Love 2 u all
Laura x


----------



## kelway

hi gabrielle, being a nosey person i was wondering what your recent fsh was? mine was never the same (i have had about three done, one was 20 something, one was 13, last a few months ago was 11.9 and had another which i can't remember but 17 rang familiar). i too have been having acu' for about three months, i go once every two weeks, not crazy about it and costs me £35 a pop but will try anything!! all the best to you and your preparation for the big ivf! joxx


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear Jo, Usually my fsh levels have been fine in the past , however , 2 fsh done recently in the past few months, one was 18 and one was 13. By the way were you taking clomid when you had yours done? I didn't realise that it altered the result so donut me got fsh tests done while i was taking it and just after. I have not had it done for a few weeks now, i believe it has to be under 12 in order to go ahead with ivf treatment. On a positive note I have been doing research and loads and loads of woman fall pregnant naturally with high Fsh levels, even on menopause levels. This is reassuring for a lot of woman, although since i have never fell pg in the whole ten years we have been ttc the cons thinks it is def a mechanics problem and that ivf is the only thing that will work for us now along with a small miracle it feels. (We have had all the other investigations).

There has also been a lot of research on woman with high fsh levels as high as 30 falling to 6.7 with acu and herbs  (Now thats clever!!!) Were you having Acu when yr fsh was 11.9. My acu chap is an old, wise Chinese doctor who was really sweet and very reassuring, he said with acu and a few herbs we should be able to reduce these levels. The other thing is that i have not long had laser treatment for endo and cysts on my ovaries which wont help with the levels either. My acu chap has said that the chinese medicine will help with this so I'm trying to be positive  , otherwise i think i will go mad as yet another two people i know fall pg after trying for five minutes.  sorry cant help being sarcastic.

Anyway better go before i get all down again, and type a book instead of a small post. Take extra special care and lots of luck with yr treatment and acu.

Also best of luck to laura on yr appointment, write all yr questions down on a piece of paper, before i go anywhere i always do this and go with a little notepad because im usually so nervous i forget all my questions and everything i want to say, it also helps me stay focused and not get so upset(Which i often do although I'm sure the cons are used to this).

Pip and Keira lots of     coming yr way.

Anyway take care girlies, its half term here so we are awa for a few days with the boy, not sure if its half term where you all are have a lovely time with your families, i think i must tell my ds how special he is at least 100 times a day (think he is getting a complex now) so its rubbish about being obsessed about ttc and forgetting your children as some silly unfeeling people often state.(Where did that come from!!!!!!!)

Quick Joke for all of you esp, (*emilycaitlin* you will like this!!!!), a gynaecologist decides to have a change of career and trains to be a car mechanic. On his final exam he strips a car and puts it all back together really gently and carefully, the examiner gives the new mechanic a score of 200%. All of the rest of the class cant understand why such a high percentage was awarded to the newly trained mechanic so the examiner explains. I have awarded 100% for the taking apart the car and putting it back together again. The other 100% was for doing all this work through the exhaust only.  (Yes Ive def lost it)

Def going now have a good weekend girlies.....  Gabrielle.xxxxxx


----------



## emilycaitlin

Gabrielle    I'm going to have to remember that one for work tomorrow!!


----------



## kelway

hi gabrielle, you know, i can't remember if i was having acu when i had my last fsh test, possibly just started, i can't remember. he also does chinese meds but stopped them when i started clomid with a view to putting me on some 'special chinese fertility equivalent that can help you concieve' if the clomid doesn't work (that means i will be trying this chinese meds then in the near future!!). he initially put me on these cycle regulator pills, i took them for about 2 months, 8 a day. you said you took clomid over a period of ten years, i was wondering roughly how many cycles in that time? i have taken 3 and was going to do a 4th but dh may miss the next two cycles (working away) so i don't want risk putting  that crap in my body and then he ain't around so the next couple of months i won't bother with a view to resuming the clomid 4th and 5th tries to coincide with the iui i am planning to do, been told it should cost around £600/700 pounds. saw another pg women today when collecting dd from nursery, i could tell by the way her coat was done up and up until recently i thought she was like me, one of the rare mums with 'just one', on my own again.. do you ever look on the bfp announcement board? i have seen a few success stories as of late of women who have been ttc for a very very long time and got pg so that should give hope. people just assume when you have one that you can knock out as many as you wish, this is true for most but not all of us..........i was going to ask you something else but i can't remember. try not to dwell too much on the fsh, i did for a while but stopped. all i know is i am 42 and been ttc for two years and not got pg so my fsh can't be that good. i know a girl 43 who just found out her fsh was 3.something or other, i am now waiting for her to announce to me that she is pg again (she also has one). she hasn't even been ttc for a year and already had two mc's so at least she knows her battery is not totally flat as mine appears to be. i have had a mc before dd and know the awful pain of them however i have moments when i would prefer to get pg only to have an mc later than to never be pg again, how pathetically desperate is that, i think i am losing my mind!! lots of hugs
joxx


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear Jo,

Just to answer your question, quite a few cycles but honestly cant remember usually you are on clomid for 6 monthly cycles at a time. I used to request the prescription in between treatments and investigations when i was at the fertility clinic, (I think it just made me feel better that i was at least doing something, though i dont think it was a good idea as it may have aggravated my endo causing it to get worse, i think endo can be one of the side effects of it). Usually you are on 50mg per day per cycle to start with and then go on 100mg a day. For the 5 x IUI, i was on it before and just after. They will usually scan you just to keep an eye on things. I too have been reading the success stories and there are a lot of woman who have fallen pregnant on clomid alone, so it does work for some.  

I really know where you are coming from, from your last statement, although i can never imagine the sense of loss that comes from a mc. I can only say in ttc for ten years and never falling pg, just makes it even more of a mystery. At least if i fell pg only to have a mc later then i would know that at least my body was capable of falling pg. I dont think its insane honey its just human nature. Our natural instinct is to reproduce so they say i just think you and i are in overdrive right now.!!!!!

I always remember one story from a friend who works as a midwife and she delivered a baby a few years ago from a couple who had been trying for over 21 years to have a baby,she was in her mid forties, iui,ivf standing on yr head they'd done it. They gave up and low and behold she fell pregnant naturally after ttc for over TWENTY ONE YEARS, now i pray its not going to be that long, but miracles do happen as they say.  Thanks for all the good advice, will try to not get obsessed with the fsh . Ds has got the Wii on and I'm getting the look   for typing a book again, id better go he wants to beat me again, for the fiftieth time today. Have a nice weekend honey and keep up the acu and meds, if you do some surfing you will find all the research that it actually does work even when western medicine doesn't   Gabriellexxxxxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear All
Just a quick one and nice to see you back Gabrielle
wanted to wish Keira and Pip good luck and esp for tomorrow for you Pip.
It is my Ds birthday today and he is five and I just cannot believe where that time has gone - he has been so spoilt with two parties and lots of pressies and we are off to cparcs tomorrow.  (there are loads of kids activities and mainly they like to do the swimming and yes eleveden is good tc2)
girls I am so tired after having family at the weekend and the parties and getting ready and want to say loads but need to get off here too. I am away for along weekend so won't be onl again until tues although will try and have a peep tomorrow before we leave - I would really like to know the result for pip so we might take the lap top.
My first miscarriage due date was around this time as it was due around by ds birthday 3 years ago!
I have not had my fsh levels done for a couple of years now and I assume this is the blood test you have a few days early on in the cycle -perhaps I should have that again?
I spent a fortune on acupuncture in the end near a grand and had the funny tea and those little black tables 8 3 x a day and the tx and massage for 3 months but in the end had to give up as could not afford any more and my dh was not impressed - I was also having to travel a long way, I also tried **** before that as well as the clommid and IUI so now have come to terms as the consultant tells me that my eggs are old as how else can it be explained I got pg easily with the first, got pg easily the next twice (had m/c probably due to quality of eggs) six months off and then not a dickie bird since despite all the remedies and tx.  Don't get me wrong I would carry on doing all the acupuncture and any other alternative remedies and more IUI and IVF with my own eggs if we did not have to pay for it.  I suppose part of my long journey has been about coming to terms with using an egg donor and I am really a long way there.  Part of me still hopes every month but only a small part that it might happen naturally and perhaps if I lost 2 stone, gave up wine, ate organic it might help but sometimes you need the other stuff to keep you sane.
also like lots of these nice stories that once you stop thinking about it it might happen but not sure if thats going to happen to us either 
anyway I am going on now
i wish you all lots of luck and whatever stage you are and believe me the fog does clear and one does start to feel better soon.
sorry not time for personals but I am thinking of you all and do hope you have a lovely weekend.
take care everyone
lots of love
susie
Ps Sarylou - hope you are ok??


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello there

Do you mind if I join you?  I am new to all this and don't know how it all works.

I am Lainey and I am 36.  I have a little girl who is three and I have had two miscarriages.  I have now discovered I have elevated FSH (15) after trying for two years for our second.  How could that happen?  It is all a bit of a shock.

I have just been prescribed Clomid - I am not really sure if it is of any benefit because I am already ovulating, can anyone help  I am prepared to try anything at the moment, I am getting desperate 

I have been reading the daily messages for a while so good luck to those of you waiting for testing day.

Has anyone read Julia Indichova's book, inconceivable?  It is very inspiring, you should get it.  She had elevated FSH and was 42 when she tried for her second and she went on to have another child, so there is hope.  She advocates healthy eating, yoga and various other things.  It has helped me deal with my predicament.  

Nice to meet you all (sort of)

Lainey x


----------



## pip34

hi everyone

i got a definate  this morning am very happy scared and nervous as i dont want to go through what i did with thomas but will stay positive   

*suszy* have a great time on yr hols and to ds bless him bet he will have great fun there xxxxxxxx  

*lainey* welcome hun xxxx

*gabrielle * thanks for the positive vibes hun xxxx

*honeyprincess * thanks hunny xxxx

*Keira * how are u hun xxx

*TC2* i was using clear blue tested today and have a much stronger line xxxxx

* kelway * good luck hun with the iui keeping everything crossed for u hunny xxxxxxxxxxxx   

*Pand* how are u hun xxxx

*emilycaitlin * how was the trip xxxxx thanks for the luck xxxx

hi to everyone else sorry if ive missed anyone sending u all some        
thanks for all yr support


----------



## TC2

Just a quickie as i am at work and have just had scan....day 7 of stimming.  Have 12 Follies...am very hapyy all between 9 and 12 which is perfect for this stage and i am to be rescanned on monday.  

Back later

Teenax


----------



## kelway

morning, just a quickie, congratulations pip, that is marvellous news, enjoy every minute of it. and a quick welcome to lainey, best of luck with the clomid. i still think 36 is young (i got pg with my first at 37) so there is still plenty of hope for you yet, high fsh or no high fsh! (i am on my third round of clomid) joxx


----------



## KittyJ

Hi everyone
Haven't been on the site for a while - had a v depressing week and need some love!! Hope I can join you on this strand and get a bit of support at the mo.

Had a lap and dye last week with results a bit of a shock. Have one blocked tube and both ovaries are stuck down so have been told I need another op to sort them out. Only spoke to gynae doc and don't see fertility consulantant for another 6 wks so feel a bit left in the dark as to what happens now.
Told that because I had a cs for dd that the blockages etc could have been caused by that. Anyone had the same?

Now don't know if there is a chance of getting pg naturally until I have next op. Still continuing with clomid but not sure if it's worth it now. resigning myself to fact that won't be in with chance of bfp this year knowing how long everything takes..... 

Trying to think of +ves in this. Only 30 so hoping that's on my side.

KittyJ
x

s


lainey-lou said:


> Hello there
> 
> Do you mind if I join you? I am new to all this and don't know how it all works.
> 
> I am Lainey and I am 36. I have a little girl who is three and I have had two miscarriages. I have now discovered I have elevated FSH (15) after trying for two years for our second. How could that happen? It is all a bit of a shock.
> 
> I have just been prescribed Clomid - I am not really sure if it is of any benefit because I am already ovulating, can anyone help I am prepared to try anything at the moment, I am getting desperate
> 
> I have been reading the daily messages for a while so good luck to those of you waiting for testing day.
> 
> Has anyone read Julia Indichova's book, inconceivable? It is very inspiring, you should get it. She had elevated FSH and was 42 when she tried for her second and she went on to have another child, so there is hope. She advocates healthy eating, yoga and various other things. It has helped me deal with my predicament.
> 
> Nice to meet you all (sort of)
> 
> Lainey x


----------



## kelway

hi kitty, sorry you are going through one of those down phases. you are nice and young so plenty of time to get 'you sorted', still lots of chance you will go on to get a bfp. all the best jox


----------



## sarylou

Just a quick hello. 
Pip huge congratulations to you    

Im on 1ww and again i know af is around the corner. I have had pmt from hell. 

so that will be cycle 24 and month 22.  

Still waiting on a scan date before we can try the clomid which for the time being is in the back of my drawer. 

Hope everyone is well. xx


----------



## Pand

Hi girls.

Pip I am ecstatic for you!  I know you must be terrified but you have cleared the first hurdle so cling onto that.  My best friend m/c last year and my sister in law lost a baby at 21 weeks the year before last.  Both are well on their ways through their next pregnancies so I hope that gives you some hope and if there is any justice in the world it will work out for you.  I will keep everything crossed!  

Welcome to Lainey and Kitty.

Kitty, it sounds like you are in a very similar position to me.  I have a blocked left tube with a cyst in the tube, following an operation for an ovarian cyst last year.  I also had a cs for my first and it would appear I have developed endo as a result.  I've just been prescribed chlomid and have no idea if its going to assist.  Surely if your ovaries are stuck down that wouldn't stop them from working?  The op your doc has talked about is probably to clear the endo and from what I've read on other forums that op usually goes a long way to helping your fertility.  I know what you mean about being kept in the dark by the doctors they've done much the same to me and my next appointment isn't until blooming June!  I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Lainey, you are about the same age as me (I'm 35 and 36 in May) and I start Chlomid tomorrow if my af appears as I think it will tonight.  Keep me posted with how you get on with it.  I'm dreading it as I'm terrified it will overstimulate my ovaries given all the problems I've had and I'm also terrified it won't work when I've really got my hopes up that it will.  Keep posting honey!

As for me, I'm feeling really down tonight.  Af is due today and usually comes in the evening just to taunt me.  Been feeling ok all day but cramps have just arrived and I've had all the other signs.  Took my little one to a birthday party today, and as I walked in the door saw the Birthday Boy's mum sporting a beautiful bump (5 months).  It's like life is doing all it can to make this extra painful.  Why is it that other people find it so easy to give their little ones brothers and sisters and yet we are all left floundering and suffering so much pain month after month.  What on earth have we done to deserve this?  If AF does arrive (which I know it will) I've got to start Chlomid tomorrow and you can see from above how I feel.  I just can't bear much more of this.

Anyway, must go and cook the dinner now.  Hi to everyone else.  Teena most of the activities at Centreparcs are available now.  Have you tried booking online?

Speak soon everyone.

Amanda


----------



## kelway

hi amanda, sarahlou, sorry your af's are coming, i too can tell that the third try of clomid hasn't worked for me either - dh thinks i am talking rot as i should only have ov'd a few days ago give or take but i have been pg twice (one ended in mc) and both times i knew a few days literally after ov that i was pg, i just feel pre af, mildly cramp and pm'd, actually, i have felt pm'd all month, good old clomid - won't take clomid next month as dh away and miss a try so no point. it does seem that everyone else who has a kid already seems to fall pg as par the course with their second/third so it does make you feel even worse when you see them all with either bump or newborn in toe but i constantly tell myself how blessed i am to have one at all, i know that. try and perk up, i am eating my way through a pint of home made custard and it is doing the trick, a bit. joxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Everyone

Congratulations to Pip! Try and enjoy it, I know it is hard but the chances are you will be fine.

Jo, Amanda and Sary-lou -  Sorry that dreaded time has come again.  Mine is not far away.  I am afraid I have got to the stage when I don't even expect to be pg so it doesn't really come as a shock to me when the old pmt arrives.

Amanda - if it is any consolation, I will be starting clomid when my af arrives so we can hold eachothers' hands so to speak.  I am really scared, like you.  What if this doesn't work?  What then?  I feel like I am pinning all my hopes on something that might fail.  Also, I am ratty enough as it is so I am really scared about how miserable I am going to be.  My poor husband!  I know what you mean about the world conspiring against you - everywhere I go I see pg women.  I just tell myself that they may have had trouble conceiving too - for all I know, they have had to have ivf/de, etc.  You never know, how many people actually know you are having trouble

Jo - I have had the same thought about getting pg and having a m/c so I am sure it is normal (!)

Kitty - I am sure they can sort you out.  As Jo said, you are still young and at least they know what the problem is.  Hopefully after the op you will be fully functioning.  Try to stay positive.

Anyway, have to go and hoover.  My life is sooooo exciting.

Speak soon

Lainey x


----------



## kazvan

Hi everyone

Sorry I have been away for quite awhile.  For all the names I don't remember seeing - I have a dd aged 19 and a ds aged 17.  We had our 1st appointment on 20th Feb thanks to a cancellation at HH.  Thank fully we had all the tests done that day and then my Af arrived the same night so we have final consult, scan and injection teach on 12th Mar.  We haven't heard any news about our blood tests so I am praying like mad its all good.  I had my tubes tied at 23 and they can't be reversed.  So hoping this is going to work.

Its my son's 17th Birthday and he is in zimbabwe as he chose to live with his dad.  Just feel so low as all I can see is me holding this huge baby with rolls of fat 17 years ago and I just can't believe that time has gone so fast and that I am missing out on his growing up years.

Well here is wishing everyone a lovely week ahead.

Love
Kax


----------



## kelway

hi kaz, blimey, you look so young to have two grown up children! what does hh stand for? sorry about your missing your son, that must be really hard for you, i cannot imagine how that feels. do you speak to him on the phone? are you gearing up for iui or ivf? jox


----------



## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Just to say firstly a big  to *Pip*, lots of love and best wishes to you and your family honey xxx. Wonderful News!!!!!!

Well half term here is just officially over , I hope everyone is well and enjoyed the half term break? Suzy hope you had a lovely holiday honey?, NOW its back to reality isn't it! I'm looking forward to my next session of acupuncture its like being drunk without the alcohol and the hangover afterwards. I dont know what is in them herbs but already i feel like a different person. Lets hope the blood tests reflect the same.

Take special care everyone and lots of luck and   to everyone on their treatment cycles, au natruelle and to all you girlies on your 2ww, you never know what the spring may bring...Lots a love
Gabrielle...xxxxxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Just a quickie its late and I am very tired.
congrats to Pip - you know you are the first BFP on the threads I have been posting that is Nov Newbies and here (although did communciate with one girl once who was) so very pleased for you now take it easy, enjoy every day and try not to worry.
Just wanted to say HI to the new girls, this thread is really busy now but that is what its there for.
I am not doing personals but wanted to wish the clommid girls good luck and hope you feel better soon Pand and Kelway good luck to.
Love and hugs to all the rest of you and keep your chins up.
had a great break at cparks and am away again on Sat and then reality bites and the next step.
take care girls and sorry only aquickie
lots of love
susie


----------



## kelway

hi susie, hope you are ok? i am quite depressed again. pretty sure the clomid hasn't worked this month and to add insult to injury dh is going away for a month and it stinkingly works out that i miss the next two trys as he goes away just before and gets back just after - doesn't get much more crapier than that. the school run has been particularly unbearable as of late - it is unbelievable just how many heavily pg women are there, they all look either sickeningly smug, one women in particular, she wofts in with her newborn in a papuse thingy and is ALWAYS smiling, i cannot make eye contact with her, i have become a vile piece of work!! the others all look like they take it in their stride, all got pg at the drop of a hat i am sure, and there is me, all bitter and twisted and my time is running out and there is bugger all i can do about it plus doesn't exactly help with dh going the other side of the world, if it was europe i could hop on a plan for a quickie!! the sad truth is he is more than likely going to leave the band (playing live for them) which is very sad for him and me as he has played with them for five years and i too am a big fan and love the excitement of him playing live with them. nick and i are hoping they will give him time off and still let him rejoin the band on the release of their next album next year but they may tell him to sod off? they are planning to do alot of touring still this year in the US and dh is telling them after this next tour he cannot do anymore US touring as i need him hear, bless, he has been very supportive, he totallyl understands that this is my last year of ttc and with him touring for most of it doesn't exactly help an already emotionally hard situation, here here!! they love nick so not sure how they will react, somehow makes me feel like the bad guy here which stinks as i have never stood in the way of the band, after my mc and then getting pg straight away he went on tour straight away but i didn't stand in his way, all throughout the pregnancy and even in the last week when the baby was due he went to copenhagen but i stood by him but there is NO WAY i am going to put the band before my chance of having another child, i am quite stressed about this but my hormones are making it worse, af due in about a week and she is coming, i can tell. life stinks!! lots of love joxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello Everyone

Oh Jo, poor you.    We have all been there, when everything seems stacked against you and you can't see any hope, but you should try and stay positive, miracles happen all the time.  If they didn't a lot of people I know wouldn't have any kids!!

And I couldn't agree more, about the smug mother's thing, aren't they infuriating?  I just try and imagine how many stretch marks they must have and how saggy they must be having had all those children so close together    I try and get to school at the last minute so I don't have to listen to them.

Suszy - hello!  I read one of your earlier messages where you said egg donation was your only option.  You know, doctors don't know everything, it could still happen.  I know of a girl who was told her eggs were old and had a hard shell on them (!) she went on to have a little girl so don't give up.

Gabrielle -  I want to visit your acupuncturist!  I go for acupuncture and I never feel drunk when I come out, I feel I am being conned now!  The only thing I feel when I leave is light in the pocket 

I wish I didn't feel so bitter and twisted about the whole baby thing.  I wish I could just accept that mayble I will have only one child.  It is not the end of the world, is it?  At least I have her.  I sometimes feel it is a bit greedy and selfish to feel so sorry for myself and ask for another one.  I should just be happy with what I have.

That's enough of me.

Take care

Lainey x


----------



## kazvan

Evening ladies

Another grey rainy day.  It seems to fit the mood of everyone at the moment.  This IVF and Clomoid seems to bring the worst emotions out. I also found my fuse is very short and its like having PMS all the time and I am only starting injections in March!!!!!!!

I hear you Kelway - one minute I am ok and the next I am plunged into an unbearable downer.  I agree with you there seems to be a national conspiracy at the moment with all these preggie women crawling out of every nook and cranny.  They are lurking with intent everywhere you go and are so smug in their self righteousness.  Ok maybe I am being a little harsh.  But still......HH = Holly House in Essex.  I msg my son a lot and phone him regularly.  But its not the same.  My daughter is with me she is 19 and will be joining the police in May and is just about to fly the nest.  So life is a bit tuff at the mo. I started at 18.  But I was always so busy just trying to get by, that now i am in full panic coz its happened too soon, they have all grown up.

Congrats Pip - Way to go girl....  I wasn't referring to u on the above post.  You deserve being preggers.  Way to go totally green eyed here.  But yr result has given me hope again.  We have just had 2 BFN on another thread, its been a downer for us there.

Gabrielle - I agree with the acupuncture.  I have had 3 sessions though I thought I would die from the chinese medicine just from the taste of the stuff.  Dh convinced there is some serious grass in it and swears blind he can smell it when I cook it.  Such rot.  I agree though I am different for it and my once white coated tongue is a healthy red.  Showing my liver and kidneys are working surprised there are any left from that taste.  I had acupuncture during my AF - Pain and agony I felt every single needle go in and some areas very sore. But got home after Fridays appointment had a bath and went straight to bed.  I couldn't move.

Sorry Suzie - whats the next step

To everyone else I have missed.  Take care of yourselves..

Good luck.

Luv & hugs 
Kaz


----------



## kelway

hi lainey, thanks for your reply. we are not greedy to long for something that it appears most women with one already want (& get) - it is as if there is an epademic of pg women at my daughters afternoon nursery and one of the few women who also has 'just one' had her coat undone today and i noticed (i always notice) a small bump so she too is now pg. i am the oldest there by far. i feel such emotional pain at times that my body is deteriorating/winding down, age thing, i have been trying for 2 years now and not so much as a sniff of pregnancy, not even with acu' or clomid. i miss two trys next month. then we will try iui but i cannot imagine at all it getting me pg. i am dreading seeing my best friend, same age, who is heavily pg, it will be almost unbearable and the effort of trying to hide how much i don't want to see her. i could scream. and those stores of miracles, they always seem to happen to someone else. i feel i have been singled out because i used to brag how fertile i was or perhaps someone upstairs doesn't think i could cope with 2 as i struggled in mert's early days. sorry to ramble, very hormonal, i can feel af coming in the next 4/5 days. hope you are in a better space than me!! joxx


----------



## kelway

kaz - what a small world, i live about 5 minutes drive from holly house! that is where my gyni chap is based and that is also where i plan to have a pop at iui in a few months. you could pop in for a cuppa next time you are in the area? jox


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear Jo,

You are not alone honeyx, everyone at my work seems to be pg right now and a new girl started today who is guess what 2 months pg, can you believe it!!!!!!!
I too feel green with envy at all those bumps, someone at work even made a statement today " God everyone is pg, is there something in the water?". Well Ive drank gallons mate and over a period of years and the "Highland Spring" just isn't doing the trick.
When i fell pg with my son it took us just two months to conceive and unknown to me my friends at parentcraft both had fertility problems and took a few years to conceive their first children, please let me add that they now both have 2 children each. I also feel guilty because in the early days i used to brag about how quickly i fell pg, i too feel like I'm being punished. What i find really hard is that a lot of my friends who started their family after me have had 2 and 3 children now over the period of my dh and I ttc our 2nd child. It wouldn't be so bad but they still always say when are you having another one? It really brings you down  , I feel it is being really unfeeling, but i suppose some people just dont think. I have started saying now "God gives you what you have!!", so as to not make a blubbering fool of myself. (Only a couple of close friends know about my history ). Miracles do happen though i know it doesn't feel like that right now, but my mum had my younger brother in her mid 40's and that was after ttc for a few years, she just felt it wouldn't happen to her but she was determined and just kept trying. On another note she doesn't know about my treatment and after my last laser op, she made a remark like i dont know why you just dont get it all taken away then you wont have all this hassle anymore.(she was talking about a hysterectomy) to get rid of my endo. I just really felt like saying do you remember when you were my age and you wanted one last hope of having another child, how would you have felt if someone had said that to you. God what is wrong with me I'm trying to cheer u up Jo! All I'm saying is to just hang in there and try and be positive. I know i keep ranting on about it but there are so many woman who have fell pg on just acu alone after they have had years of ttc and been through ivf etc. These woman have been all different ages. So just think if it can happen to them it can happen to me  . Also ref the IUI, another friend of mine conceived on just one session of IUI after many years of ttc, fertility investigations and treatment and a failed IVF, she did IUI because she couldn't afford another cycle of IVF. 
Anyway yet another one of my books, Take extra special care honey.xxxx

*Kaz*, know what you mean about the tabs honey, they can be strong i just pretend they are choc buttons or something similar. Good luck with the acu. They do say if you are going to have IVF, acu is very good in preparation for IVF and studies show that it has helped towards BFP.!!!!!!

*Lainey*, Just wanted to say honey, he is an old Chinese man and as well as acu he has a Degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine which he achieved in China. What sort of Qual's does your acu have, maybe try a different one just for one session and compare the two. He/She doesnt need to know do they, you might be pleasantly surprised. You could also ask the new one what qual's they have before you book.xx

Anyway i better go before emilycatilin tells me off for typing too much take care girlie's and hello to everyone out there on this rollercoaster ride.. Lots of   as always Gabrielle xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## kelway

thanks gabrielle, refreshing to read your post - and rant as much as you like!! good to read that someone else other than me is ranting away! lots of love joxx


----------



## TC2

Hiya All......

Just popping in to say i will be AWOL for a bit, off to mainland on thursday am for egg collection on friday!  Whey hey lots of super follies  everything keeps going like it is.... feeling so positive at the moment, really feel like we have a chance now of completing our family.  This is good as i have to do the Gym Tots thing tomorrow and always dread it too....  

Keep strong everyone....    

Teena x


----------



## kelway

best of luck teena & keep us posted, joxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls

Teena - good luck for Friday and ec - will have everything crossed for you and it will be wonderful to have another bfp on here
really really hope it works darling
Lainey - sent you some bubbles made up to 7 as good luck - i am going to try and get that book - thanks for your comments re my eggs I so wish I could believe that and have been hopeful for all these years but cannot do it for much longer (see below)
kelway - put your bubbles up to double 7 to make you feel better- so sorry about all your pg women - i know i can get you down just think they are tired and knacked and have a painful birth and sleepless nights to get through and you can drink- so want to help you with feeling down - want to give you a big cuddle- so sorry about your dh being away just when you need him - you both have some tough times ahead but its great you both agree this is your priority
gabrielle - sorry your mum not being as supportive as she could be think perhaps they don't remember or think and sorry so many of your people at work pg it can be hard and I so relate to your anetenal friends and sorry if I hve told you this before but of my four anetenal/babygroups of which there were four -and every since 03 there is only three who have not had another and two of them had one already and the other had a failed ivf and all the others every single one of them has had another and some two even ones who had m/c took a year to conceive have had three and when we all get together and for the last three years all I do is look at their second (and third ones) some of whom are now 2 and 3, the other week when we had a joint part for their fifth birthdays one said oh you still want another one then and I felt like saying yes of course i bloody well do -the feelings just don't go away don't you remember you silly .......  i looked at that empty arms thing again and will send it to each and every one of my friends/contempories /inconsiderate when I am ready!!!!!  I do think some people are uncaring and inconsiderate and I get very fed up with it but am trying to rise above it.  gabrielle i also so relate to boasting about getting pg so easily and feel god is getting his revenge
kelway/kaz glad you will be able to meet up
kazvan - must be so hard being away from your dd = cannot imagine it but they do grow up so quick.
the next step for me is egg donor - I so wish that it would happen for me naturally and again at the risk of repeating myself I have tried homoepathy/clommid/acupunture/IUI as well as BMS for the last four years to no avail and its done my head in, now I have come to terms with the fact that my only real proper chance and hopefully not going on for years  is egg donor as if nothing else I am not strong enough to keep going on like this.
girls we all feel the green eyed monster at varying degress all the time some days its better than others but remember we are all here for each other
Pand - love and cuddles to you and hope you feel brighter soon - go for a walk and look at the daffs it makes me feel better
sarylou- do hope you ok sweetheart - we miss you
kitty- sorry you having such a hard time andhope things improve you for too
pip hope you are ok love and enjoy every mo
love and support to the rest of you - hope you are all ok
feel quite tired again 
just wanted to say went to an inspiration workshop today and it was so good and there were ladies there in their 50s/60s and one who was 81 and you know they all looked so good for their age and they were living their lives - ok some had gaps from kids and careers but you know they were doing something - it made me realise that although i feel old because of my eggs/tooth out and wrinkles in fact as my mum said I am probably in my prime so kelway we have got to get our of this mind set.
we had a quiet time where we had to think about what inspired us and it was quite hard at first and i could not think of many people only views/sunsets etc and of course my main source on inspiration is you girls on here
love you all 
take care
love 
susie


----------



## SUSZY

hi to emily caitlin too
did not want to risk loosing post to did these sep


----------



## kelway

hi susie sue, funny thing isn't it, this not being able to get pg and being older really commonly makes one depressed about their age, makes a real issue of it. i can't bear to look at photos with me in and there aren't many for this reason as i can see how aged my facial skin is, fat, wrindly and hanging!! i am not a vain type, never bothered that much about my appearance, not for years anyway and yet i am quite low about this, adds to the lack of fertility pain. school run has been crap, so many pg or smug new mums everywhere, i just don't make eye contact with anyof them and stuff what they think of me as i must come over as being a snob or something but i know that EVERYTIME i get into a conversation with anyone new they ALWAYS bring into the conversation 'how many children do you have or are you going to have any more' and right now i just couldn't bear to be asked that. big hugs joxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Kelway
know the feeling and it is so annoying how insensitive people can be!
had my grey dyed out today so feel a bit better, just have to lose 2/3 stone, and get my wrinkles sorted - hopefully won't loose any more teeth and will have to have someone elses egg!
anyway girls have to go as have to get up at 3am, went to school today with dh and kicked some **** about his reading, - they have been neglecting the less able in favour of the quicker ones and I am not happy - been quite good to focus on other than fertility issues
anyway have to go but will miss you all like mad
posted good luck to Tina on my other thread so they are wondering about it anyway hope its good news.
will catch up with you all on my return
please be positive and keep your chins up
take care
lots of love
susie


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## kelway

hi susie sue - i called an infertility councillor today!! apparently there is one based at the fertility hospital that i have made an appointment with/ami to have iui at and the lady told me that if i have treatment there i get three free sessions with her! she sounded nice so it would be great if i could go and see her and rant for an hour or so - it has been really tough this week at mert's nursery, the bloody women there all either pg or with new child, all they do and there is NOT getting away from it despite i don't talk to any of them and avoid their gaze, they ALL talk constantly about either they pregnancys, or impending births or their baby, i over hear the odd bit when walking by, it drives me nuts, obviously because i am green with envy, i am not ashamed (nor proud) to admit that but i don't need my nose being rubbed into their success with my failure - my third round of clomid is very very likely yet another failure as i feel nothing but pre periody and not at all pg. dh tells the band he has been playing with for the last 5 years that he cannot do any more american touring with them this year needless to say they may 'sack' him, and then of course i don't get pg so they fired him for nout' which will make me feel awful. anyway, enough of my rant although i could easily go on for hours. you made me laugh about going on about your hair colouring, weight and TEETH - have you lost teeth? i need to have my grey hair done but the last (and only) time i went to the hair salon, despite them promising to just put a natural wash out rinse in, they put something in that bleeched it and i thus have roots (which you shouldn't if it is a natural fade out wash out one) so i have put off going back, this was monthsa go but i prefer my grey to their orange bleech look. i did actually have a bit of a small chip to one of my large front teeth but the my recent dental visit he sanded it down/ levelled it off. actually, i hate looking in the mirror, i feel so ugly and i get really upset when dh (a budding photographic enthusiast) takes (reluctantly on my part) photos of me - my skin (facial) looks so old and sagging. actually, if you look on flikr.com, he is registered as coldmountain - he has LOTS of pictures of him and mert on there plus the odd one of me. he loves that website - it is for would be photographers to take pictures and put them on the site and talk to each other about it - a bit like us although no pictures!! anyway, better dash as fancy a *** in the garden, quick kiss to mert asleep in bed and then sleep for me. hope you and your teeth are ok?!! you shouldn't bash yourself up about your appearance, you look pretty fine/normal/healthy in the picture you have posted!! joxx


----------



## sazz

Dear girls,
Wonder if I can join you all? (Have been lurking for a while now. )
I'm also feeling pretty ancient (thats probably b/c I am in fact-gynaelogically speaking!!) these days, but I never really felt so-o bothered about it until I found out that I couldn't get pregnant again.I have a DS age 7 concieved so easily and began to try again at the age of 39. We had been convinced that we didn't want any more kids and then changed our minds. Now, at 42, and 4 IUIs/2 ISCIs later here I am.......Do not know what to do next as DH is completely against DE and won't even talk about them. I'm taking TCM as a last resort and then maybe one last ICSI attempt.I was just reading all your comments and as well as wrinkles/saggy bits, I am also a stone overweight as result of ICSI drugs (and comfort eating!!) Also trying to keep the green eyed monster in check-but does seem like e/one is pregnant...

Sazz


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Welcome Sazz, everyone is welcome here, we are all in the same boat   Sorry to hear your story, it seems to be a common tale amongst us.  The biggest question is just why?  Why does this happen, that you have one easily and then have so much trouble having another?  It just doesn't make any sense does it?  It is soooo frustrating.  Have you had any explanation or are you "unexplained"?  It definitely makes you feel old, I am 36 but living through this nightmare has suddenly made me notice all my lines and wrinkles and no amount of pepto-peptides (have no idea how you spell it!) have improved them!  Keep posting, it is very reassuring being in touch with everyone on here.  I am sending you some bubbles to cheer you up.

Jo, I had a look at the website you said had pictures of you on and I have two things to say to you.  Firstly, you look bl**dy gorgeous to me.  I am sure I have more wrinkles than you and you have six years on me!  I would be delighted to look anything like as good as you.  Secondly, your daughter is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and so photogenic.  You should stop putting yourself down and be really proud of the fact that you created such a delightful little girl.  I know it is no consolation and, blimey, I can talk but some people would love to have what you have.  Try and stay positive and remember what you have, you've got dh and little Mert (love the name aswell, by the way).  God, I sound like I am giving you a right telling off!  Sorry, I don't mean to cos I understand your situation completely but when you are on the outside looking in sometimes things look totally different; do you know what I mean?  I am sure the smug mothers at school have no idea what is going on in your head and think you've got it all sorted.  Some probably envy you, when they arrive covered in baby sick and having had no sleep and you don't have that to deal with!

Suszy - thanks for the bubbles.  I hope you have a great holiday.

Better go, this has turned into an essay!

Lainey x


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## emilycaitlin

Hi, Just a quickie to say I won't be around this week, I'm off to Portugal (Yippee!!!!)

Someone will be keeping an eye on everything so don't worry if there is a problem.


----------



## sazz

Lainey- thnx for your reply-yes I am unexplained....had all the tests anyway(HSG-for blocked tubes etc-but all ok....) Have you read Julia Indichova's book (Inconceivable) about infertility-her FSH leapt after first child was born-maybe that's why?
Yes-still can't quite believe that I have left it too late(my mum had me at nearly 41) and am trying to stay positive.....    
Sazz


----------



## kelway

evening y'all, a warm welcome to sazz - you are very welcome here. reading your post sounds the same as me!! best of luck in trying. i too am 42. my best friend, same age, got pg 6 times last year, i haven't got pg once since trying for 2 years, fortunately (as she kept losing them) she is now very pg, quite hard though to be honest when on the phone to her and she talks about how lovely it is when the baby kicks, her 3d scan pictures etc of the babys face, i have never had those as they were only just coming into play i think when i was pg with mert 4 years ago and cost a fortune. sorry to read your iui's/icsi's didn't work, i am about to have a pop (hopefully, if i 'qualify' after the initial consultation scheduled for 6 weeks time) at iui although i think i am wasting my time, have not come across someone our age with unexplained infertility who has had this and it has worked but there must be someone somewhere. dh too won't hear of egg donation, NO SIR, i have hinted at it, just to test the water as i would if he would but NO WAY; he comes from a very christian/religious background and i know his opinion derives from there, i will respect his view and back off, he is humouring me in doing the iui as i know he doesn't really want me to do that either (as i think it goes against his religious beliefs) but he is keeping 'mum' about it and supporting me there so i can't complain.i am doing a sunday market (just got back) to save money to pay for this - i was thinking today of putting a sign on the table (you know how some markets display if it is for a charity ie 'cat league'), well, i thought of putting a sign on saying 'desperate to concieve second child so any purchase will enhance my chance....' but i changed my mind! what is tcm? reminds me of the tv channel on cable.....
lainey - evening, thanks for your note, can't believe you hunted out flikr, to be honest, i am not sure WHAT pictures nick has put on there of me, i never look but he is addicted to the site and spends hours on there placing all sorts of pictures, i have just seen the odd one of me and never like what i see - very nice kinds words from you, much appreciated!! ps lydia looks lovely too, i bet mert would love to play with her, she loves playing with other children.
hope everyone is ok - af is due and is definately coming, all the signs but no 'show' yet, i keep going to the loo to check, you know how it is as one can only hope even i know it ain't gonna happen, not this month any way.
bugs galore. joxx


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## lainey-lou

Hi Sazz.  Yes, I have read Julia Indichova's book, it is good isn't it?  I suppose it should make me feel more positive about my chances but I still get down about it and believe it won't ever happen.  I am sure part of my problem is my negative attitude, it is probably not conducive to life creation!  When my infertility was unexplained I wished I knew what the problem was, until I was told that my problem is probably raised FSH levels and that there is nothing they can do about it!  Suddenly I wished it was unexplained again.  Some people are never happy, eh?  

Jo - thanks for your comments re: Lydia.  She is lovely and she is a really good little girl too, I am sure she would love to play with Mert.  I am sure that if I ever do have another one I will be repaid for all my moaning by getting a real horror, who never sleeps and whinges all the time!!

Hi to everyone else, haven't heard much from anyone for a while?

Lainey x


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## sazz

Hi ladies-hope all is well with you all and thnx for making me feel so welcome 

Lainey Lou-you are so right-sometimes it's best not to know too much....Just today I was feeling pretty positive and had made myself a yum hot veggy soup to heat up my bits (Chinese dr recommended) when just thought I'd check the internet for my recent sore ( )( ) complaints. Along with the nice possibilities (such as pregnancy obviously!!!) there was...... PERIMENOPAUSE( horror!!!) which I had actually never considered (until now!!!!!) Putting this possibility firmly to the back of my mind, my mother was obviously right-little knowledge being dangerous and all that!!! No more google searches for me for a while.

Kelway-even at our advanced age ,there must be some hope-at least the fact that we have kids already

Take care 
Sazz


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## kelway

hi sazz, how old are you?? some women get pg quite easily in their 40's, my best friend got pg even when she only did it once in the month and not at the right time - she got pg about 6/7 times last year, and is now successfully heavily pg. i know someone else who got pg without even trying at 43 but these people are lucky sods, very fertile and i do not see myself as in the same position, i envy them rather than them give me hope! i am past the point of niceness, i am horrible!! x


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## sazz

Kelway-I'm 42 and believe me also v. bitter and twisted!!!!   I have a work colleague who had 3 children over age of 45 with her last child at 48....(but also unbelievably fertile as 13 kids altogether)
Aaaah-just one more good egg pleeeease!!!!! 
Sazz


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## kelway

sazz, blimey, 3 children over the age of 45, i couldn't sit next to her, come to think of it, i couldn't be in the same building as her, it would be a nightmare, i would feel such a failure. my best friend same age, pg with no. 2 told me in an email today she may try for third straight after giving birth and she WILL get pg if she tries as very fertile, made/making our friendship very hard as we are in such different spaces. i am so envious of her, how bloody awful is that, i can't bare to see her on sat, all pg and beautiful. i loved being pg too so it makes it much much worse. i look at women pg or with newborns when i do the shopping with such disbelief, trying to wonder their age, i have become obsessed, if they appear to be my age or older i feel totally crushed, like a broken women!! xx i cling to mert, smother her i try not to as my love for her is so strong. i am a ball of hormones!!


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## drownedgirl

Hi ladies, can I join you?

xx


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## sazz

Good evening ladies (and welcome to drowned girl from a FF veteran of 2 days!!)

Just when things cld get no worse, they have....  . I work in an office with only 6 other women and today heard another pregnancy anounced (no-it wasn't the mother of 13-that would just about cap it all!!!!) I thought that I was being v. strong and positive and cld cope, but to be honest I just abt managed a congrats b/f excusing self to the loo.Poor woman said she'd been trying for 5 years-but I just feel so sad.Sorry all-thanks for letting me vent
Hope I'll be back in a more positive frame of mind soon(as long as the only male member of staff doesn't announce his pregnancy too ) 
Sazz


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## DizziSquirrel

Sazz - does the woman thats been trying for 5 years know about you  did she have treatment 

Well done for holding it together long enough to get to the wc!

~Dizzi~


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## kelway

dear sazz, big hugs   . life can be tough sometimes. joxx


----------



## sazz

Wow Dizzi-what a quick reply(that's why FF is so amazing)
Not sure if she had TX.(And I can't bring myself to tell anyone.....)
Had pulled self together a bit until saw DH who I very angrily (but justifiably of course) accused of having made me wait for no 2 just a little bit too long...
Actually I think I sound v.much like spoilt child in toy shop-but I still want a baby so-o much........
Sazz


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## Mrs Chaos

Hi Sazz
Lotsa hugs for you hunni, and well done for keeping it together, it doesn't really get easier over the years, but somehow we learn to cope.
If you fancy a natter anytime, just shout 
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


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## *Lollipop*

Evening Girlies,
Just wanted to say hello and Hope everyone is well, Best of luck to all you lassies on your treatment cycles and yr 2ww ahead. 

*Sazz* , hi there hun i really do know exactly where you are coming from when you say everyone is pg at work right now except me. One of our limited male members of staff even made a comment like "Is there something in the water".. I just wanted to scream aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh IF ONLY!!!!!!!!!!! and yet another new member of staff joins us and guess what she is 2 months pregnant. I too cant help the big green eyed monster  and it doesn't help when the ole witch is due to visit too. 
I also do relate to your toy shop and the spoilt kid syndrome. 
Anyway honey well done on holding it together , i really do know it is the hardest thing and you are just biting your lip to stop you getting upset in front of everyone (especially the pg ones) everytime i speak to my work colleagues i just get a big lump in my throat but as the weeks are going in now i think i am getting more used to the idea. Lots a   coming your way as i really know where you are at. Take care Gabrielle xxxxxxxx


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## lainey-lou

Hello Everyone, it's a bit quiet on here??

Welcome to Drownedgirl, feel free to contribute, the more the merrier.

I am very sad today    AF came this morning, silly me had hoped it wouldn't this month so I wouldn't have to start Clomid tomorrow.  Because of that I hadn't actually put my prescription in so had to rush around this morning trying to find a chemist that has some Clomid in stock!  What a donut!

Am just totally fed up with the whole baby thing.  I wish I could just forget about it, why does it have to dominate my life?  I wish I could just say what will be will be and if it happens it does and if it doesn't, well, it doesn't.  Instead I spend most of my life counting the number of children people have and benchmarking myself against them, how pathetic!  I just feel soooo useless.  This is meant to be something we women are able to do with ease.  I WANT ANOTHER BABY, AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I feel better for that.

Amanda - how are you getting on with the Clomid.  I am terrified.  Please tell me it is okay.

Hello to everyone else.  Hope you are all feeling better than me  

Lainey x


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## kelway

oh lainey, i am so sorry that af came. i also felt for what you said about spending your life counting how many children other people have and think you are mad - YOU ARE NOT, I DO THE EXACT SAME THING ALL THE BLEEDIN' TIME and it drives me nuts. so rare to see a women (older) with 'just one' and if she does, normally when they turn sideways they have a huge bump, have you noticed that too? such a slap in the face. i haven't taken any clomid this month, no point as dh goes away in a few days for a month on cd 10 JUST BEFORE THE GOOD MID C TIME which is around cd 15 so i have NO chance which means i don't even have any hope this month. life stinks sometimes although i know i should be accepting of my lot and not want for any more but i can't turn it off, wish i could. sorry jox


----------



## sazz

Hi ladies
Was just thinking today that I have really have bcome obsessed with getting pregnant. The time I was preg.with DS I actually had no idea about a/t, wasn't panicking about twitches/pains at ovulation time and din't even know I was pregnant until about 8 wks (oblivious to lack of a/f) when I started to feel sick. Wow-how things change-I'm sure we must all be experts now on what vitamins to take/foods to eat or avoid to enhance preg chances etc. Not to mention EWCM, alternative therapies and preg. sympthoms!!!!  And best of all I was oblivious to other pregnant women-not super sensitive like now....  

Lainey-sorry about af-y know I always wait each month as well -we're still allowed to hope..... Clomid isn't too bad compared to the stronger hormones (I used for 6 mths)

Kelway-I sympathise-it is such a pain when s/t else happens to prevent a month of trying to conceive. Last yr my DH had to work away for the whole month and I was so angry that fate had thrown an extra "spanner in the works."

Gabrielle and Mrs Chaos-thnx for your kind words.On good days, I think we must all be such strong, resilient and resourceful women to learn to manage to cope with  such stress each moment. Hopefully 2007 will be a positive year for us too.....    
  
Take care all and lots of    

Sazz


----------



## TC2

Hi Everyone

Im Back.... for those who dont remember me because youve joined in the last two weeks, i have been away having ICSI treatment and was without internet!....  so hi to everyone i know and hi to all the new people...

We got ten eggs, 8 mature enough for ICSI and all 8 did well till day 5 then we had 4 grade one embie on day 6 (blastocysts) so as of last thursday i have two little embies on board and am so excited, this could be it! (then again it may not be... but i will face that if we have to).  Now doing everything i can to give my 'little ones' every chance of sticking....   Testing next saturday (17th).

Will catch up tomorrow, glad to be back and see so many new people have joined us.

Teena x


----------



## DizziSquirrel

teena for your


----------



## SUSZY

Hi Girls
Well I am back from my skiing trip in one piece and we all had a lovely time, it was a beautiful place and I enjoyed it much more than I expected to and my ds loved learning to ski too whilst Daddy was snowboarding.  The scenery was beautiful
It was a lovely break and my parents had my ds a lot so much so that sometimes I really missed him but it was lovely holiday.
I now realise as I look through the messages that I did not have many pg envy moments because can you believe it hardly saw any pg women (well of course one would not on the slopes) think I might have at the airport but thinking about it its been so refreshing not doing all the things you talk about counting the kids/comparing etc etc but of course I am back in reality now!!!
another thing is we have been having a problem with my ds school and am not happy that he is getting equal attention to some of the more advanced ones so after seeing the teacher don't feel that much better and also talking to another mum she has seen headmaster too and she is not too happy and also found out all sorts of rumours going around the school and some **** stirring going on by another mum to another who I have known a long time  so I am not too happy and not looking forward to going in later but realised that this also has taken my mind of things.
does not mean I want one any less its just been nice having distractions but also realise am closer and closer to d day for the ED journey and think I will only share it with you on here but also have this nagging feeling that anyone can look on here as kind of really want to keep this to myself (and you lot of course) 

Just wanted to welcome Sazz and also Drowned girl who I have spoken to on another thread.(put your post down)
also wanted to wish Teena all the luck with the 2ww - have everything crossed for you

Kelway - my love I am so with you the whole way with everything you say and do hope that you feel better soon, I think I would be worse if it were not for the DE possibility - I can understand your and you dhs feelings on DE and we were quite shocked at first (although reading threads on here I had got used to the idea) - I am not sure where religions stands on the ed thing as I did mention it to my vicar once and don't think he was too shocked!) although he did mention adoption.
so sorry your dh going away and leaving you just when you need his sperm!!!!! and do hope it works out ok with his band.
I/we are here for you love.  the break from clommid might do you good you know and you might start to feel a bit better and look 
forward to the iui.  I will look at that web site for the photos and good luck with the fertility counsellor.
(thought I told you a back in Feb I had to have one tooth out and was low for days about it hopefully the others are all ok!!!)

Hello to Mrs Chaos and I will try and come to the chat tomorrow - what a great idea and there are loads of us now

Lainely lou - sorry about af its always bloody horrible when it comes - not sure whether we will ever get over the wanting another one and comparing ourselves with others etc etc.  Just wish we all lived near each other so we could get together for a moan and a chat every day but perhaps Mrs Chaos chat on here will help.  Dont beat yourself up about it as you know its quite normal to feel like that.

Gabrielle - I am so sorry about all those pg at work - it must be so hard because you have to see them every day and from personal experience I never know whether to ask about it and feign a bit of interest, ignore it and carry on and if they don't know you are having fertility problems then its even harder. anyway girl my thoughts are with you - hopefully it will be your turn soon.

Hi to Dizzi - are you looking after this site while emilycaitlin on hols - hope she is having a good time and I hope you are well - you work too hard you know!  sending you love and luck 

love and luck to everyone else -please keep posting we have a lovely thread here

Just wanted to end by saying I am obsessed by my wrinkles/fat/fertility issues and being 42 going on 43 but we are all still young compared to others!! and beautiful in our own way perhaps not as we once were and we still have some good years ahead.
My mum said I should be in my prime and I suppose coming from a 66 year old its true so lets try and think ourselves young.
not sure think it was Sazz who was talking about those creams etc - how I wish they would work but 

must go now as someone rang
will send a message later

love

susie


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## kelway

hi susie, just a quick note as off to the dreaded school run & then acupuncture (why bother!?). glad you had a good hol' and that things at ds school are distracting you a little.........hope you come to a comfortable decision re egg d'. as for wrinkles, i too am going through some kind of midlife crisis, been putting oil of ulay on daily whilst never used to bother, for all the good it does. would get my grey hair done but last time it seemed to bleach my hair orange so been put off. my mum says my grey hair makes me look like a school teacher but is that such a bad thing!! i have become obsessed though with how old i look, sad isn't it, i know it is the baby thing that has triggered it. dh goes away tomorrow early morning, boo hoo, mid c is nowhere to be seen so definately miss my chance this month, hopefully not next thought as i had originally thought. best dash as cannot put off school run as much as i would like to. all the best. xx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Where are you all.
I came on to apologise for being off again for a few days and no one has posted except Kelway.
Have been busy doing washing, catching up with people and not getting back most nights til just before 7pm the longer nights have been catching me out ,  also been very obssessed with the whole school thing and reading, to be honest the school run not bothering me so much (think the counselling must be working!) I am back to a load of stuff re seeing the teacher, telling some friends who told others that I actually have had enought now and am being very careful who I tell what.
anyway things are moving in the school and my little boy is getting more attention for the teacher as are the other slower readers and thats all I wanted - equal attention whether it be the teacher/ta/ or whoever.  Its amazing how obssessed I get and almost have tunnel vision but as I say its taken my mind of other stuff.
Was with a girl last night who is about to pop but I am not sure how envious I was of her because she has two others who are quite a handful and think they are in for quite a touch ride!!!!!
Feeling so much better than I hve been and the sunshine and obviously the break helped.
I am keeping this short (famous last words ) and hope to hear from some of you very soon.
love and hugs to you all
love
susie


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Hi Susie
Glad you're feeling a bit better  
Will pop on later for a proper catch up
Hi to everyone 
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


----------



## TC2

Hiya

Just to let you know the scores are in and guess what its a     

Had my bloods done this morning and i am most definately preggars, we are so happy and on   Thankyou for all your support, i dont know what i would have done without FF.

Teena x


----------



## kelway

hi teena, that's fantastic news, gives hope to us all!! all the best, lots of love joxx


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dearest Teena,

Just wanted to wish you a very big   on your news honey, you go girl!!!! Lots of love to you and your family... you do give us all hope!!!!   , Hello to everyone and hope everyone is well, Take extra special care xxxxxxxxxxGabrielle


----------



## emilycaitlin

Well done!!  I'm really pleased for you!!


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Teena
what fabulous news - how exciting and fantastic and brilliant.  congrats!!!
You give us all hope and the best of luck for the next 9 months -  please enjoy every precious moment and although its hard to do try not to worry.
This is the first BFP on a thread but someone else I replied to months ago on intros is pgs with three heartbeats although third a bit faint so it is possible girls and could be one two or three!!!!! one day it might be all of our turns.  Keep positive and keep your chins up.
Good luck to you all and write again soon .
love 
susie
ps sorry about last message realise should have done a spellcheck !!


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone!

My apologies for being away for a while.  Things have just been so busy, I haven't had time to sit and read all of the posts.  Then I log on today to see the fantastic news!  Teena I am SOOOOOOOOO thrilled for you!  You have given us all hope that the seemingly impossible can happen!  You must be over the moon!  Well done you!

Lainey - I'm not in the fourth week of my first cycle of chlomid and waiting for AF which should land on Wednesday this week, although I'm not sure if the chlomid will lengthen my luteal phase.  I have to be honest, its not been as bad as I thought it would be.  Whilst I was taking the chlomid itself I felt really tired, but had no other side effects (probably due to the fact I took it in the evening on advice from a friend).  I had horrendous ovulation pains but managed to fit in lots of BMS and then since I ovulated I have felt more normal than I have done for months!  I chart my temps and they have actually looked like they should do this month (previously they barely stayed above the coverline and regularly dipped below).  So now I am just fluctuating between hoping and praying its worked, and then being positive it hasn't!  I have to be honest, I don't think I am but we will have to just wait and see.

Susie, glad to hear you had a great skiing holiday and it sounds like the best type of holiday to go on to avoid pregnant women!  

Will try and catch up with more personals soon.  Good luck Lainey, and let me know how you get on!

Amanda


----------



## cinders35

Wow Teena,

Thats so fantastic. I am sitting here with a smile on my face, imagining how excited you must be!   Take it easy!
Maybe it's the start of a trend!!!
Love 
Cindersxx


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## Mrs Chaos

[move type=scroll loop=-1 direction=left step=6 delay=85]   [/move]

*WOOOO-HOOOO!
CONGRATS! Teena hun!
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX*​[move type=scroll loop=-1 direction=left step=6 delay=85]   [/move]


----------



## honeyprincess

Hi Girls
Hope your all ok?

Teena   bet u r over the moon! 

Love Laura xx


----------



## TC2

Thanks all of you for your good wishes, we really still cant believe it.... although i really tried to stay positive i just didnt believe we could be so lucky, so many people on here have tried for so long and done so many treatments it somehow doesnt seem right that its happened for us on our first ICSI. I do however feel truly truly blessed and i do hope that people gain something from my BFP like i did from seeing others successes.... every time i saw a BFP on FF i thought 'yes this could be us one day'.

I really hope this is the beginning of lots of BFPs on here....you all deserve it so much.    

Teena x


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Teena
Congrats again and thanks for posting your last message and think we are all so pleased for you and it does give us all hope, its a strange one because of what we have all gone through any one who gets a BFP on here is so special and is a light in the dark for a lot of people and so different from the inconsiderate outside world we have sometimes seen.
I have not responded to any intros for ages as not been in the right place but a few of the ones I did to have got BFPs so that is good news..
please Kelway/lainyluou/honeyprincess/pand/gab/Sazzz/Dizzi/emily/mrs chaos love and luck to you and everyone elsed
love susie


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Morning girls
Sallyanne and I have put our names for the *It's a Knockout Quiz*, (from the Derby board), but as we seem a little thin on the ground there, I'm wondering if any more of the 2ndry girls want to join us?
We need 2 more players and 2 reserves...come on girls! Bibbles at stake here!

*FOLLOW THIS LINK AND GET YOUR NAME DOWN!*
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=364.0

Hope everyone is ok?
Lotsa love
Gayn
X X


----------



## emilycaitlin

Morning!

Did everyone have a nice Mothers Day?  My dh and dd were visiting his parents, as I was working all day saturday, so I didn't see them until lunchtime sunday, but at least I got a lie in!


----------



## Mrs Chaos

emilycaitlin
Hope you're ok hun?
I had a *poo* Mother's Day 
Ds was away with cadet camp and forgot to get me a card  so had a moose-head on for much of Sunday 
Went to see my parents and had a nice morning, but tinged with sadness as this was our first year without Andy's mum 
It can be even harder for so many women, so I tried not to be negative, but I was upset ds didn't get me a card. He was born on Mother's Day, and it's usually a special, trip down memory lane, as my first Mother's Day was my first day as a Mummy 
That's teenagers for you I guess  
I had to laugh really, as him and Andy had a "pep" talk...Andy told him that there are certain things "blokes do...and don't do.." and that forgetting a Mother's Day card is the BIGGEST no no! Ds is cooking tea tonight, just txtd me from school and asked me to get some food in for a stri fry!  think the pep talk worked?  Ahhh, how can ya stay cross at the little darlings 
Lots of love to everyone 
Gayn
XX


----------



## emilycaitlin

Sorry Gayn.  I bet he'll never forget again though!!  
I hope Andy didn't find the day too upsetting, it must have been hard.


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
I thought I posted on here yesterday to say Happy Mothers DAy to you all
anyway hope you had a great day
We had a  busy weekend and had my mum and mother in law over, felt bit sad after reading posts on here and thinking of friend who lost her mum a few weeks ago.  Such a sad day for so many.
Had a few glasses of wine so bit tired today but feeling so much better.
My ds was collected by a friends so had an extra hour or so, the school run not bothering me so much as getting my ds to get collected by others when having a play date as the every other week I take their child so working out quite well.
I have also made a decision and have started the ball rolling for doing an Egg donor cycle but have to decide which clinic, Liverpool, Manchester or Birmingham?  All very daunted and scary after months of thinking about it so once made decision referral letter is going to go out and then have to start saving, dieting and give up wine!!!!
cannot believe we have made decision but have and a lovely lovely person has given me the opportunity to be a mum for a second time.
not telling many in the outside world as it were and only a few of you on here (So bizarre when actually posting this on the world wide web) but don't want too many questions or to have to defend or explain my position.
anyway girls thanks for listening and do post on here again soon as missing you.
take care
love
susie


----------



## TC2

Hiya everyone....

Susie - well done on coming to a decision...and how exciting!!!    it is good to have time to prepare yourself mentally and physically, i really changed my life physically last sept/oct when it became clear that ICSI was our only chance.... i think it really made a difference to how i coped physically with the treatment; i lost weight, ate more veg, exercised more and importantly slept more.....this was hard to fit in but it was the most important bit i think as i really felt fit before starting treatment. I of course put some weight back on because of drugs and no exercise but i had alot more confidence in my body doing the right things.  We did consider the ICSI very carefully and now are obviously more than glad we did!!!!  So take time to look after yourself now and get yourself ready, it also gives you something positive to focus on during all the times you are 'waiting' for the next bit.  Good Luck 

Gayn - My first mothers day my DH forgot and bought me 'garage' flowers (really bad ones at that) and no card....i was devestated!!!!    (understatement) now i get really nice flowers/card DH learned and i am hoping DS will be briefed!  I am sure your DS will have learned!!!!  Hope the stir-fry was good.

Pand - Thinking about you today and hoping its good news....... 

Teena x


----------



## SUSZY

Where is everyone?
HOpe you are all ok 
Do post on here even if you feel fed up and down as we are all here to help and support one another.
Also want to know how you are all getting on!
Here is a big hello to you all
Teena - hope you doing ok and enjoying every moment
Pand - how are you doing
Emilycaitlin - hope you ok
Lainey/Kelway/Sazz/Honeyprincess/Sarylou/cinders
Mrs Chaos/Dizzi - hi to you both
and to anyone I have missed and welcome to any new ones
missing you
take care
susie


----------



## sazz

Hey Suszy (and all other ladies lurking out there !!!)

Sorry for not posting-and no excuses either!!!
Nothing much has changed for us-dh and I avoid any discussion of babies until one of us gets upset by hearing about s/one else's impending motherhood and all those emotions come back to the surface again....(not v. healthy I'll admit!!!!)
Dh wants to go for "one last try" with ICSI-but the thought of that is even worse for me than to keep trying naturally (b/c I obviously haven't been successful yet) what with the stress of the drugs and the money.....
Hope e/one is doing ok-big congrats to you Teena
Take care all
Sazz


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello Everyone

Sorry for the absence!  I have been feeling REALLY down and haven't really wanted to communicate with anyone   I think the Clomid has been affecting my mood and making me more miserable than normal 

Susie - I am glad to hear you are planning to get going on the egg donation, I think it is a great idea and is something I have considered myself.  Good luck with it.

Pand - where are you?  Are you ok?  I know AF was due Wednesday - did it arrive?

Kelway - where are you?  It is a long time since we heard from you.  I wondered how you are coping with DH's absence.  Hope you are coping.

Teena -   congratulations on your great news.  I am really happy for you.  Let's hope this is the start of lots of good news.

Sazz - sorry to hear you and dh are not in agreement about the next course of action.  It is tough isn't it?  I don't think they realise what we have to put our bodies through with all the treatments, drugs, etc.  I suppose it is hard for them too, just different.  They get the easy job, as usual 

Hello to Honey Princess, Mrs Chaos, Gabrielle, Cinders35, Emily Caitlin and anyone else I have missed.  What has happened to everyone?  I really look forward to reading everyone's posts so I am always disappointed when I log in and find no messages 

I am just having lots of   'cos I'm mid-cycle.  Don't really have any faith in it working though.  I have seriously considered giving up altogether over the last few days, my mood has been that bad.  I just feel like I would like my life back.  I don't think I could go through IVF, I am not strong enough to stand the disappointment if it didn't work.

I bet you are all glad I have posted now, with all my doom and gloom 

Hope to hear from you all soon.

Lainey x


----------



## cinders35

Hello everyone,
I have been spending loads of time on ff. But have been posting in the 2ww thread, & 2ww diary. Day 14 post ec today (IVF), I have some brown/pink spotting.  Not the most promising of signs, but I haven't given up all hope just yet. 
I'll know one way or the other on mon 26th, unless  makes an appearance properley before then?!
Take care everyone,
I'll let you know how it goes.
Cindersxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Good luck Cinders35.  I am sending you loads of    

I hope it is good news for you.  Don't forget to let us know.

I've got everything crossed for you.

Lainey x


----------



## cinders35

Thanks Lainey,
Still spotting!!.......
Cindersxxx


----------



## honeyprincess

Hey lovely ladies lol

Hope u r all ok?

Susie...Good for u....must of took a lot of thought and im glad u r going for it,    When u starting treatment

Ok well we finally got app through for clinic ...22nd may 2 days before my birthday!
They dont do DI there, soooooo im guessing i go 2 get my bits checked out, then they will refer us to 'proper' clinic for treatment! 

I hate myself at the mo, think every1 else hates me 2!
This is making me feel selfish cuz im so down that its gonna take ages, Emily (dd) is obsessed that she wants a brother or sister, we dont even talk about any of this in front of her, so i just tell her that sometimes life doesnt go to plan but she might have 1 wen she is 8! 

I gennerally dont talk about infertility as i jus dont kno wat she should kno, she hasnt even asked how babies r made, so its easier just 2 not anything incase i say it wrong to a 5 yr old!

But we had a little chat about adoption this morning................
she told me that children in Africa dont have mummies n daddies so they die 
anyway i thought perfect opurtunity 2 bring it up, i used Angelina Jolie news, I just told her the basics like she was right some children dont have mummies or daddies so nice people like Angelina Jolie look after them forever and be the childs parent, she suprised me by replying.....'Oh I think u should do that then i cant have a brother or sister, and they can sleep in my room, and if they are 5 yrs old they can be in my class'!!!    

Anyway talk soon 
Love Laura xoxox


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I don't post more often but what with a full time job teaching and a four year old, I only seem to get five  minutes on weekend mornings!

Sorry to say that AF arrived early on Monday.  I was devastated.  I sobbed for hours and for most of Tuesday as well.  So Lainey, you aren't the only one who gets really negative!  I even threw all of my books, temp charts and ov kits in the bin in a fit of temper.  Suffice to say my hubby dug them all back out when I wasn't looking and has put them away in a corner bless him!  But I've come to the dawning realisation that this just isn't going to happen for me, and the sooner I accept that and just concentrate on what I've got the better.  So I am now trying to picture my life as a family of three not four and hey its not so bad.  My little man is fab and I love spending time with him.  We have talked about booking a skiiing holiday at the end of the year (thanks susie!) and just getting on with life.  I'm not going to stop trying and I'm not kidding myself that I won't get upset each month when AF arrives because I know I will, but at least I might not get so down the rest of the time.  I don't think the clomid helps much with the moods either Lainey.  A good friend of mine who tried for four years for her second and is now pregnant through IVF told me she cried buckets on Clomid every month!  Hand in there hun and just keep plugging away.

Susie, I think its fantastic that you have decided to go for a donor egg.  I gather it is coming from someone you know which is even better.  Don't worry about people judging you.  Unless they have been on the same journey as you they wouldn't have a bloody clue how painful this is so their opinion is worthless.  I have some other friends who have used the Priory Clinic in Birmingham and were both successful on the first attempt.  Is this where you are considering?

Anyway, I am being called to go and wipe a bum now so I will try and post again tomorrow, if not next weekend.  Try and have a good week everyone!  Love and hugs to everyone else too!

Lots of love

Amanda


----------



## missyb

iv'e only just joined this site and have only just discovered this section. my name is amanda. i have 2 gorgeous girls with my ex husband and now that i am happy (finally) with my partner who has had no children before, i find myself going through this cycle again. Before i got pregnant with the girls i had 2 years and 2 m/c before i got pregnant with my eldest and then it seemed that my body finally clicked what it had to do and i didnt even make it to my post natal check before i was pregnant again! But that was 10 years ago. I've come off of the pill for the first time ages (i have the teenage skin to prove it!!) my hormones are all over the place, and i'm so scared that i won't be able to conceive naturally or otherwise. Im fine at the start of every month but by the time im due on i turn into a lunatic , ive usually done about 3 pregnancy tests in the vain hope that one day im going to get 2 lines instead of the usual 1... and the slightest thing has me in tears! well d-day is today and i'm sooooo toying with the idea of getting a test... anyway, i'm due to go and see the dr in may to start the whole testing thing. ii'd so like to get pregnant before then so that for a change i could go to the dr's without having to take my knickers off!   anyway, i'm waffling again.but thanks for giving me the opportunity to... if anyone wants to drop me a line i'd be soooooo grateful.... amanda x


----------



## emilycaitlin

Welcome to the board amanda!!!  You will find loads of support on here xxx


----------



## sarylou

Hello ladies sorry i havent been on for ages, sometimes a time out does me good. 
I had my scan on friday and theres def something still on my ovaries but she wouldnt discuss it as she not a consult so im waiting for the results to be sent the her and if its bad she will get in touch if not i have to wait until june to see her.   

Pain is still persistant from ov until af-then i have af pain to deal with *joys of woman hood*

I hope everyone is ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and welcome to the newbies, xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hello everyone,
I had my first IVF   yesterday.   arrived, it wasn't a surprise as had been spotting for a few days, but still had kept a little glimmer of hope for those embies. Have been posting all over the place with my negative vibes, so I didn't want you guys to feel left out!
Feel so sad, so near and now so far, yet again from a liitle baby brother/sister for dd.
Feel so gutted, and angry at my stupid body. It was given 2 lovely embies and still my stupid body didn't manage to nourish and grow them into lovely bubbas. Feel very guilty and sorry to dp and dd, feel like I have let them down. Dp has taken it quite badly, I think I had known for a few days deep down that it hadn't worked, I had told him how I was feeling but he tends not to deal with issues until they are well and truly upon him, and this one is most definately upon him!
We conceived dd after trying for 4 months, how lucky were we?! What can have gone so horribly wrong with my body for it to keep failing me like this? 
Since ttc #2 bubba, af always turns up early, start spotting day 24/25 of cycle, so I am worried that it is the luteal phase of my cycle that has the problem, and I don't think there's much they can do about that?
I have documented my cycle extensively and shown it to 2 different consultants, it was pretty much dismissed as inconsequential. I hope they are right and I am wrong.
I resent the time & effort I spend thinking about this, when I should be concentrating on dd. She deserves better. I so desperately want her to have a sibling. 
I don't know if I can keep going like this.  
I don't know if I can ever stop trying. 
I don't know if I can ever accept she will be the only one. 
I just want it to happen, I'll do anything. 
This is just soooo pants. 
The clock keeps ticking and dd is getting older. I don't want to spent her whole childhood wishing for something I can't have.
I don't like what this infertility has done to me. I feel as though I am a shadow of my former self. I used to be fun loving, light hearted,and fun to be around. (I think!) But now I feel such a failure, and like I have a certain sadness about me. Like everyone can see it in my soul.
Oh listen to me going on! You see then I feel guilty for feeling like this. I'm not dying for god sake. People go through so much worse.
What have I turned into?
And as for pregnant women. I won't even go there! 
I am at quite a low point. As you can see. So I apologyse if I have made you feel down to. 
I guess I have to stop being so ungrateful, and look at the many good things in my life.
I'll try and pull myself together, and try and get some hope back.
Love Cindersxx 
P.s Could I go on the secondary infertilty list please?


----------



## kelway

hi everyone, sorry i have not been around, it's not because i have been particularly busy, more because i have nothing to say for myself and been trying to not think about the lack of baby No. 2, especially as dh has been away for 2 weeks, already missed one try as i was mid c just after (by a good few days) he had gone PLUS to add insult to injury i have just come on 1 TEN DAYS EARLY so it bloody means that for the one month dh would have been away i miss TWO BLOODY TRIES; when i took clomid for three cycles it made my cycles longer, it had occurred to me that because i didn't take it (as dh away) this cycle that it would be shorter but not THAT short and thus it now works out that i miss the next mid c try too as dh won't be back intime,i am so ****** off (sorry to swear but i am too angry and fed up). i am so bloody old and missed two tries, i can't afford at 42 to miss ANY let alone two. clomid has really buggered my cycle. rant over. to CINDERS, so so sorry, i just read your thread and really feel for you. i am currently attempting to save up for one pop at ivf. did you get it for free? did you have icsi? i have saved around £1500 but need around £5000 so have a long way to go....i figured that if the specialists thought it worth me trying that i would definately pay the extra for icsi buti doubt it would work. so sorry to read that it hadn't worked for you, will you give it another try? sorry to all you others ie pand/laura/lainey whose af's have come. mine came out of the blue this morning, i knew it would as had not tried this month (dh away) but didn't expect it to come so early, so gutted i miss trying next month too. school run still stinks although i now have someone in my position there!! she is nearly 45 and has a 3 year old dd, she wants another but doubts she will be able to. she also envys all the smug other mums, bloody awful actually, lately i seem to get sandwiched imbetween one pg one and one with newborn in baby carrier whilst queuing to get dd from classroom - all the buggers talk about is breast feeding or labour etc, sometimes quite unbearable but it is not their fault, they don't know. hi susie and to everyone else. lots of love joxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi Jo,
Thanks for your kind words. We had straight IVF, fertilization doesn't appear to be a problem. We are sooo lucky in that we have rainy day savings that we are dipping into. We had to pay for 1st cycle too, as not funded because already have dd. Though our treatment appears to be a bit cheaper at around £3,400.
On the bright side, infertility is "unexplained" so we will ttc inbetween cycles, oh joy!!
Sorry you are feeling so c**p also. But it's great to hear you have found youself an alli (can't spell that!?)on the school run.
When I am feeling particularly   at pg women I sometimes imagine that they are fertility friends, and then I quite like them! Suppose we shouldn't assume everyone got their pg easily, but there are so many big bellys out there it feels that way!!
TTFN
Cindersxxx


----------



## kelway

hi again cinders, perhaps i have over priced the ivf, i know the meds are really expensive and that icsi is an additional cost - because of my age i thought a good idea incase my problem is a hard outer egg shell.....i too could not spell aly........my mind has gone blank. my dd's nursery is literally FULL of pg mothers or ones cradling their newborns. the other day there was one with a newborn in a baby carrier papouse thingy, anyway, she was infront of me in the queue and i had this baby staring at me the way they do and these little fingers on her shoulder, it made me feel so terribly painfully sad. these women don't know how lucky they are but perhaps they do. there is one women i have in my mind nicknamed 'smiler', she always looks so bloody picture perfect, truly happy, and ALWAYS smiling - she must think me frightfully rude as i have NEVER made eye contact with her. theother day dd made a point of chatting to her little girl who seemed equally enamoured with my dd, it was AWFUL as i desperately didn't want to be forced into a conversation with this women in a situation when i should have and normally would have made a converstaion with her, i literally ignored her, how rude and awful, i just couldn't get into a conversation with her - i find if you chat with either a pg women or one with a newborn the conversation is always centering around them and if you do not acknowledge their child you are rude - also, i know if i chatted to her she would definately asked me 'how many children do you have' as they always do, i was not in the mood to answer that one as it slaps me in the face every time i am asked, now i just reply bluntly that i cannot have any more as i am too old, they always respond 'oh but you can, cherie blair did and madonna.....' I WISH THEY WOULD SHUT UP, it drives me crazy when they say that, it is always women who have as many as they wanted/more than one who say that. rant over (sorry)...xx best of luck with your next attempt. xx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello All

Oh dear, it is bad news all round at the moment.

Cinders - so sorry to hear about your  - I have sent you a personal message separately.

Jo -   I am so mad for you.  As if things aren't tough enough, to have AF turn up early to deny you the chance to try next cycle.  God, it just makes me so mad.  I am really glad though to hear that you have found an ally at nursery.  I wish I had one, it is torture isn't it.  I really hate them all, which is so awful because they haven't done anything to deserve it.  I am just a bitter and twisted old bag  

I think Clomid is sending me a bit  , well, more so than usual but who would notice  

Lainey x


----------



## kelway

hi lainey - you know how to spell ally!! cinders (i think it was cinders) and i were both having trouble remembering........best of luck this month with the old clomid. i have three cycles worth left but will wait until i have hospital appointment in may to see what they say. funny, i spent the morning with a heavily pg lady and was fine, she was really nice and i felt fine around her, it seems to be worse depending on the person, lord knows why. i would love to feel that pg feeling again but i know how lucky i am to have experienced it at all. dd seems to have taken up residence on dh's side of the bed but i don't mind, actually i love it and look forward to going to bed although i never seem to have a really goods night sleep as a/she snores and b/i lover her so much, i tend to lie there holding her hand and looking at her, bliss. she is my world. dd and i have both told dh that when he returns from conquering the US he will have to sleep in merts bed. we both really miss him and hope to go camping upon his return. fingers crossed for you this money lainey. joxx


----------



## ~debs~

Hi ladies

Would you mind very much if I joined you  

I'm Debbie 37 years, DH is 40 in May,  I have 3 children from previous marriage. 18,17 & 11 years.  I was stupid enough to agree to sterilisation after my DD but then ex left me a few days later   (he could have said before he did a runner!!)

Anyway am now with current DH and very, very happy.  Well almost, he has no children and I feel so guilty that I cannot do this for him.  We have had one ivf tx which was bfn and we are now waiting for cons appointment to discuss reversal.  After research I've found that the success rates are about the same so unless my tubes are pooped we'll have more than one shot  

I have no idea about tracking my cycle etc so may need to ask for advice at some point if you don't mind.

Anyhow that's enough of my waffling, other than to say a big hello to everyone and wish you all luck with ttc/tx

Love Debbie xxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello again

Jo - you are taking Clomid, are you ovulating?  I am taking it but I know I am already ovulating so don't know if I am wasting my time. 

Has anyone else been prescribed Clomid when they were already ovulating?  Better still, doesn't anyone know of any successes with Clomid when someone is already ovulating?

Feedback would be appreciated.

Lainey x


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello Debbie

Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you with my last post.  I didn't see your message before I posted.  Welcome to you.  

I hope the reversal goes well.  It all sounds quite positive.  Fingers crossed for you.

Speak soon.

Lainey x


----------



## kelway

welcome aboard debbie to this mad house but a darn friendly and supportive one.
lainey - you know, before and during taking clomid i would regularly post for clomid success stories for older women more than likely wrongly prescribed clomid and never got any responses. i too think (only think) i ov and was not put on it because dr thought i wasn't, more i think as 'may as well try anything'. it does seem to work for some but from my extensive reading on various fertility sites it does seem that most of the success stories seem to come from younger women prescribed it because they suffered from pcos, it is tailor made for them. perhaps it will work with you, you may as well give it a pop. i have just endured a painful hour of acupuncture and, starting from this session, 1/2 hour of reflexology - curious experience, at first i was trying not to laugh as very ticklish but then THE PAIN, oh THE PAIN, really painful but sometimes quite nice, £35 a pop every two weeks and for what.......to humour the old bag (me!) that it might help the cause, apparently it helps some, or does it? possible coincidence.. joxx


----------



## bek

hello I'm new here too
it's so good to hear people with similar experiences - i have no allies in the other world! i spend a lot of time looking at other people's families - the age gap between kids, how old the mother is etc. i very rarely meet anyone with an only child (in france i think they call it enfant 'unique' which sounds so much better than only child). just spent weekend with sister in law and had to sleep in same room as 18 month old in cot - she's so sweet but i could have done without it. Came home on train and pregnant lady sat opposite me.

dh up for giving it a real go 'naturally' this month which is lovely (a bit tiring maybe) i still hold out for a natural miracle every month seen as its happened before - but giving up hope surely after all this time. 

cinders - i have much shorter cycles too since having ds - its never more than 27/8 days and much lighter bleeding - have told various consultants who seem to think this is totally unimportant

not looking forward to ds birthday next weekend. its a real mark of the time ticking away. feeling guilty about not wanting any of his mates to bring their pesky younger siblings to spoil his big boy party. 

on the up side i also went skiing a couple of weeks ago and it was lovely (felt quite smug as its not the kind of thing you can do with a baby)

i love to read all your stories - you are all so good at saying how you feel. thanks. xxx bek


----------



## kelway

hi bek - i have hypercondria too!! just adds to the fun. have you ever been to the park in queens park? (i ask this as noticed you had had some treatment from hammersmith so may live in the area) - this is the haven for 'yummy mummies' , older women with babies galore. my bestfriend has become one of these which is quite painful - same age as me (early 40's) and successfully/quite easily pg with No. 2 whilst i am going through all sorts and not got pg once in the 2 years i have been trying. today had my usual (like you)  acu' session but as a twist he now, as of today, adds reflexology - it was quite painful and quite ticklish at times, not sure if i liked it, actually i didn't but will endure all sorts in my quest for No. 2 which seems to be slipping away with every month that goes by. dh is away so i have missed one try last month and will miss this months try too, darn it. i hope things pick up for you too. jox


----------



## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Just wanted to say hello and no excuses for not posting for a while. Just been feeling a bit sorry for myself and didn't want to post too many negative vibes. I'm certain if it wasn't for my acu id be going   . My ds also made a statement the other day which just left me in tears. He said "You know mummy everyone at school moans about their brothers and sisters all the time and i just say to them, you know you are really lucky to have a brother or sister to moan about   .Well what can you say to that. We have just attended a follow up appointment with a donut in clinic, cons was not in that day. Yes i say donut because not only did we have to keep repeating ourselves, do you ever get the impression someone is not listening to you Anyway after a long discussion we were asked what we hope to achieved in clinic that day, well that was it !!!!the straw that broke the donkeys back   .
Anyway cut a long story short we have decided to go private totally now. ( will have to re mortgage at this rate). I think we just feel angry and frustrated that it is unexplained for ten years except for the endo. Also is it just coincidence that i haven't fallen pregnant at all after having my emergency c/section for my son, no one seems to be taking this into account though, its very frustrating. Dont get me wrong my ds is everything to me and i wouldn't have it any other way, there was a reason for the section and if it wasnt for that i wouldn't have my ds. Anyway to cut a long story short, We have been sort of informed that it looks like IVF/ICSI is the only way forward for us (provided i can keep my fsh down), since we have been unsuccessful with IUI and other treatment in the past,. I would just love to conceive naturally to really show them you know!!!!!!!

Sorry to rant on but you girlie's know how it is, the pg woman at work are not helping either as they have all started showing now and there is just no escape, i feel i have to keep asking how are you today and look after yourself  and even oh you are looking well, so i dont feel guilty ignoring them.
Also the morning sickness and the cant have foods at dinner time goes on a bit...oooohhh to have morning sickness!!!!!!!

Anyway told you it was a story, cinders my heart goes out to you, but please dont give up honey, just keep going. Kelway my thoughts are with you too, everytime you feel low just give your daughter a great big hug. It always makes me feel better.

Hello to everyone else and take extra special care, i promise a more positive one next time.  Gab xxxxx


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Hi
Gabrielle, I relate to your story so well, as my son is 15 years old this week, and been ttc for 11 years now, with 1 early m/c, and no pg since.
I too had an emergency section and have never been given a lap, just the hsg. Although my tubes were considered to be patent, I begged for a lap, as I was sure that I may have adhesions from the c-section.
We just got nowhere! We couldn't afford to go private, so we became resigned a short time ago to ttc naturally...as we are doing.
I think in my heart of hearts I know that it won't ever be, but part of me always lives in hope.
I'd say push ahead for whatever you feel, and insist at all times.
I don't think either dh or I have the energy after so long to go through the motions of more useless consultants, who nod, grunt and generally tell us how we're an enigma and label us with unexplained 2ndry...instead of taking our plight seriously and offering us at least a glimmer of hope to cling to.
I cope better some days than others with regard to pg women, on bad days I simply try not to go out, as I hate the feelings of anger and sadness when I see a pg women.

Take care hun, and know we all share your feelings 

Lots of love

Gayn
XX


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear Gayn,

Thank you for your kind words and understanding, we too have had years of the grunts and nods, you wouldnt believe we were even told at one appointment to go home and have lots of bms, that would solve the problem. Had to control my dh from strangling the cons   , over the years we have asked our patient GP to refer us to different NHS clinics in a bid for that glimmer of hope to no avail. I am reading The infertility cure which helps me when im feeling down, it shows that miracles do happen. You never know you and I may be in that percentage..heres hoping...  once again thank you for your support Gabrielle xxxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hello everyone,
Thanks for all your kind support. I would like to do a proper post, but we have booked a last minute break to eurodisney with dd! We are sooo excited, and I think it will be nice to get away, and remember that life can be fun!
On the plus side, if I was pg wouldn't be able to go on all the rides, so there!
                      if I had a baby, I wouldn't be able to go on all the rides! And I'd have to faff about with feeding and changing, and  
                      worry about sleep routines.
So thats good then! Yeah. 
Not convinced? No?
Mmmmm.
Well got clothes to wash, iron & pack. House to clean, so better get my act together and get off here!
Love and hope to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear  Girls
Well its been so busy on here!

Welcome to Debs who I know from another thread (Linda did post on here too for a while) this is a really good place to moan about the lack of a second baby!

Sarylou - so good to hear from you - its been so long, so sorry that you are in so much pain and that they still don't know what it is - hope the results come soon so you know,  take care.
Cinders - the trip to disney sounds like just what the dr ordered and I so agree with you about looking at the plus points of only having one when going somewhere like that.  Have a great time and enjoy every mo.  when do you go and how long for and where are you staying?? so sorry about your bfn and really think you are doing the right thing to get away as it will cheer you up and take your mind of things as you will be so busy with those characters and rides. really like your comment about imagining pg women having being on FF so that you feel nice towards them.  it is a strange pheonomen (cannot spell) that we are so happy for people on here to get pg but don't like the smug ones who just glance at each other and get pg!!  cinders as I think i said in my pm my heart so went out to you on your posting re your bfn and the thoughts and feelings you wrote down and I am with you 100% as I think we all are.  that is whats so great about this particular thread.  really enjoy this break you so deserve it and glad you are sounding so mch better than couple days ago

Gayn - Hi to you too - hope to see you in the chat room although might be seeing the headmaster tomorrow! sorry you have had such a rough time and do hope you get your miracle one day. I  also had an emergency c section and was not awake for it as my blood would not clot and they found puss in my womb and ds had to put in neonatal for 24 hours despite being 10 3 due to a low apdgar score and no one has ever investigated this either although did have hsg (and 2 m/c since) they won't do further investigations till you have three although think had the various tests although few yeas ago now.  they just make you feel like an unimportant number. 

Gabrielle- so sorry about your bad appoinment, they make you so mad as if you have not got better things to do with your time and the fact that you probably waited months for the appointment - they make you feel so unimportant although sounds like you have a good gp at least.  Gabrielle cannot believe how sweet and sensitive you ds is to have said that and sounds like something mine would have said - they are so sweet and caring.  so sorry its so hard at work and I can imagine how hard it is for you - hope you get stronger and wish there was a pill you could take against it!!  nice to see you back

Bek - welcome - you know you have come to the right place and you can tell by the posts that we let it all hang out here
and I so relate to you comparing age gaps etc - I have spent the last three/four years watch 30 of my verious antenatal friends get pg not just once but twice in some cases and spanning gaps of 16 months to four years the latter by choice and its been a long hard road - someone has just had their third a week ago today and I know they did not mean it but the blanket email with photo and comment thats our three complete made me feel sad.  I also so relate to not wanting the second ones to parties - that has been my main bug bare for a while as he often does not get invited to the second ones but they expect to bring them to his.  It has made m cross on more than one occasion  - having just done 2parties for his 5th next year is going to be a very quiet affair.

Kelway - hi to you sweetheart sorry things hard again - just wanted you to know thinking of you and here for you.  how are you coping with dh being away, just reading your post about sharing your bed with dd makes me smile and feel happy and sad all at the same time.  I am the same with my ds i love sleeping with him although he is a fidget and do the same gazing at him and continually kissing him and telling him how much i love him, this is usually when he comes in first thing, sometimes he comes through in the night and gets in with both of us and then I tend to escape for some peace and then he comes through and finds me but I do love the time together.  we are so sad are we not.  not sure what your hubbie is going to say when he has to sleep in merts bed - how funny.  Your camping trip sounds fun any idea where you might go! perhaps we could meet up sometime as we have a campervan and really enjoy going places in it.

Lainey - I did clommid for six months and was already ovulating and it did not work for me - think it works well for people not ovulating but not sure for the likes of you and me .  as discussed with kelway it seems to be something they do, try you on clommid, then IUI then IVF when I now wish we had not bothered with it and I did not really like it very much as made me a bit mad!!!!  hope you enjoyed the bms and that it works and that the next 2weeks are not too long. good luck

Amanda -(missyb) welcome to the  thread and sorry to hear about your problems and good luck with everything, the waiting game is so hard and I am sure we all totally sympathise with it, esp if you have irreg cycles and can be a day late, i know my mind starts racing and I get all excited only to be dashed.  now i try and put it out of my mind totally as don't think we will get pg on our own (without donor egg) so don't really think about it and we don\t do as much bms as we should but after having months of really really trying and putting so much effort in only to have ones hopes dashed gets really depressing

Pand - lovely to hear from you and so sorry about your af and crying - it is so hard and I used to do that every month and sob and sob and then people would ask whats wrong.  I know its hard but try not to give up all hope as there is a glimmer but I know it messes with your brain and as just said above sometimes putting it out of your mind and coming to terms with there not being much hope makes it easier to bare - even if still really think there might be a glimmer if you understand

honeyprincess - glad your appointment through and that you can plan and your little one sounds so sweet talking about kids in africa and having one in her bedroom and school - how sweet- we have got some lovely considerate kids

teena - hope you are ok sweetheart and looking after yourself

hi to sazz/emily caitlin and all the other lovely ladies

really must get this off as scared of losing and I am not going to spell check so sorry about that
had a great meet up with the chester girls yesterday and had a weekend away wth my dh sister at her new house that was good
still going for the egg donor but quite a few things to sort out and I did drink too much last week and seem to have put on so much weight but hopefully back on track now and am going to get so fit and healthy.
sorry for the essay but it had been a while since I was on and so many of you had posted and wanted to reply to you all
really hope I have not missed anyone out
take care girls
love
susie


----------



## kelway

here's a big hug for susie for being the longest thread writer!! XXxxXX joxx


----------



## TC2

Hiya All

Cinders - Hope you have fun at disney, we went last august and had a great time, its always good to get away! 

Susie - No point thinking about 'yesterday' and the i ate too much/drank too much - change it for today....and dont stress about yesterday (you told me to give you encouragement!)

Am at work so no time to do lots of personals.... feeling bad as i am usually an all nighter and on FF late but now cant keep my eyes open after 8.30pm, so scared of losing my precious pg so being really good and trying to listen to my body and go to sleep!!

As another little line of hope...spoke to someone i met a year ago... she was actually the person who made me seek help for our IF, she had a DD 4 years and had secondary IF, she prompted me to get help as she was..... anyhow when i saw her today she is 4 weeks off having her longed for no.2.  She is 39 and had clomid/IUI.  Conceived on fourth cycle... so it can happen...hold in their everyone... 

Take Care

Teena x


----------



## emilycaitlin

Hi,

I haven't had a chance to have a proper catchup, as I'm at work, but I wanted to say hi, and welcome to Debbie and bel!!


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
its gone quiet again on here!
Hope you are all ok.
Went into school this pm to see DS do a Chinese New Year presentation which was really cute.
Was a bit embarrassing as he was in his gym kit and the t shirt was way too short, had not thought of checking it - he said he needed new pumps but just washed the t shirt and put it back in without checking.
His uniform and shoes are looking bit worse for wear.
Should perhaps take a bit more time over it all rather then be on here!
so looking forward to these holidays as feel very tired and jaded.
don't feel too well have a bit of a cold, and feel bloated.
so frustrated with myself as was so much thinner this time last year.
anyway look after yourselves and have a good weekend, probably won't be on here until early next week as we are away at weekend.
take care
love
susie


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls - where are you all
just wanted to say enjoy the easter hols - 2 weeks off from the school run Kelway which will be nice for you.
please come back on here soon as missing you all.
have fun.
take care and good luck
love
susie


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello Suszy, HOORAY....... no school run for two whole weeks   Lydia and I also have lovely lie-ins together in the holidays, where we cuddle and watch cbeebies!!!  Sad isn't it?  I used to love cuddling my hubbie, now it's Lydia    There are definite advantages to having one, I couldn't have a lie-in if I had a baby.

I have had a pretty fab week all round really.  I went to see my healer on Tuesday, I had always thought it was a load of rubbish but she also acts as a kind of counsellor and chats to you for about an hour first, which I find really helpful.  I came out feeling like a new person, full of hope and positivity.  She said the only problem I have is lack of self belief and that I have to believe I can have another baby before it will happen.  The thing is, I kind of know she is right - I am trying all sorts of lotions and potions to make me more fertile and I know that my depressed and anxious state is the biggest barrier to me actually getting pregnant.  I have been saying positive affirmations daily since, eg "I can have a baby", etc and they really do help.  Do I sound mad?  She told me the story of her friend from Ukraine who was told by doctors that she would 100% NEVER have a baby, that it was impossible.  She is a very religious woman who refused to accept that this was true and she prayed for a baby every day.  Lo and behold, 3 months later she was pregnant and Alexandria is now 10 months old.

Also, I have just had a pay rise, which was completely unexpected.  It was quite a lot and my boss said I was doing a great job.  My husband got a pay rise yesterday so how fab is that!?!

How great is my life, who needs another baby!!!

Hope you are all okay and some of my positivity rubs off on everyone     I am sending my     to you all.

Love (the new positive) Lainey xx


----------



## ~debs~

Hello everyone  

Thanks for the warm welcome, haven't got used to who everyone is yet so please bare with me  

Lainey  Congrats on the pay rise, oooooh I wish my boss would do that but more chance of pigs flying    Should come in handy with tx eh  

Kelway  Sounds tuff with your DH being away hun    Hope things get easier soon and you get lots of opportunites for  

Cinders  When are you going to EuroDisney, sounds fab    Have been thinking about taking DD there in the summer holidays

Hey Susie, hows you doing hun ?  

Hi to Beks and EmilyCaitlin  

Well I'm pants, can't scroll back and I can't remember who else is on the previous pages    I will get better, promise  

Hello to everyone else, hope you all have a lovely weekend

Debs xxx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Welcome to the new girls!  This is a great thread and its so nice to know we are all in the same boat!

Lainey - So glad to hear you are feeling more cheerful!  Great news about the pay rise!  I'm so jealous!  Perhaps you could have a word with my head teacher and ask her to raise my money too!

Suzy - I love your posts!  How do you remember who wrote what?  I always start off meaning to post everyone, then forget what I was going to write!  Hope you enjoy the two week hols away from the school run!  Where are you at with your donor eggs?  You said you had a few things to sort out?  I hope it goes smoothly for you.

Cinders - Have a great holiday!

I've probably forgotten other people, so Hi to you all!

Have had  a really busy week this week and have been feeling pretty good.  On the second cycle of clomid.  I was prescribed it as well, even though I am ovulating!  My last cycle was really short (22 days) but this cycle I'm on day 13 and still haven't ovulated ( I usually ovulate on day 11 or 12).  So hubby and me are trying our best to fit in lots of BMS.  I have to say, I think I'm in the opposite place to you Lainey.  I think I have come to realise that this isn't going to work!  Have been making the most of my little one and have planned loads to do with him during the Easter Hols.  We have got a load of holiday brochures (although I think skiing is going to be too expensive for us!).  I am now refusing to visualise us as a family of four.  I know we are still trying and there is still the possibility it might all work, but as far as I am concerned we are and always will be three!  I know I will still get upset when AF arrives, but this approach is keeping me a bit more sane, and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting on with my life instead of putting it all on hold.  I worked out my cycle the other day, and I'm going to be at my parents when AF arrives this month.  That should be interesting as they are not the most supportive people in the world!  They have absolutely no understanding of how awful this has all been.  My mother doesn't like children much, and conceived my brother and I really easily, so she cannot empathise at all!  All she says is do you really want another one!  DUH!

Anyway, will catch up with you all again soon!  Keep smiling! 

Love and hugs!

Amanda (Pand)


----------



## ~debs~

Morning everyone (well, just!)

Pand  Mmmm, parents eh, can't live with em can't shoot em    My mum is not a very supportive person either but I think that's cos her mum wasn't (hope I'm the one who breaks the cycle)  I didn't tell my mum about IVF and she has no idea that me and DH would like another.  I know I'd get the same comment as you 'are you sure you want another'    Bit pants that you are at your parents when AF is due, will keep my fingers crossed that she doesn't arrive for you and that it will be good news for you hun   Hope you enjoy all the things you have planned for the Easter Break, I've only got the bank holidays off so I'm a little bit sulky    

Well I had a traumatic night, DH was working away and DS/DD at sleep overs.  I don't really like being alone   so I let Poppy come to bed with me.  Big mistake, she only peed on my bed    Disgusting dog   had to strip the bed and get it straight in the wash and then I couldn't get to sleep cos I was cross with her, oh and cos I had no blumming duvet I was freezing. Was thinking about doing my ironing at 3.30am   that's as far as I got though    Been wrestling with the duvet all morning and after 2 washes it smells lovely again and is on the washing line as we speak.  Me and that hound have had strong words this morning and she is definately in the dog house   

Anyone fancy a dalmatian, she's very well behaved, honest    

Catch you all later  

Debs xxx


----------



## kelway

hi everyone, just a quickie, good luck pand this this months cycle of clomid, you never know.........and well done to lainey for your double pay rise, nice one!! HOORAH, no stinking nursery run for two weeks, yee ha. had a really bad turn a few days ago, and it had been alot better, more mellow moods for me the last few weeks - turned up late to get mert but got sandwiched imbetween the 'goody mums', two pg and two with newborns in carriers - they were talking over/through me re baby crap. i have never come so close to literally screaming, not angry with them, just at the sheer stinkingness that i have to be put through, i am not a bad person, honest, it seems sometimes so unfair, it was bloody awful. rant over. have a lovely time off everyone - i am looking forward to hanging out with mert, just me and her and going off to silly places together, as we do, who needs siblings and group fishwive outings.....NOT ME!! big love joxx


----------



## SUSZY

Girls
Just a quickie as am away- does anyone know where Kelway does her market 
really need to know

will reply to all the messages soon

love

susie


----------



## sarylou

Hello everyone hope your all ok. 
I had a text book cycle ov'd around cd10-12 and af arrived cd28-today. 
Feel very bitter that even with a "perfect" cycle and bd etc still no bfp.
I feel such a failure-im 26 and i cant get pg. Infact since ttc from 20 i have only managed to get pg twice and both those sadly ended in mc.
   Fed up. 
Still no news from scan and i cant wait till june to find out so will hound my gp this week, But wont be soon enough to find out if we can use clomid this cycle so another month gone-thats 3 cycles i have missed out using it now.  

Hope everyones ok. Hugs to those who need it. xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## kelway

hi sarylou, just a quick big hugg as life is tough sometimes. you still have plenty of time though so hopefully it will happen to you, sooner rather than later. all the best jox


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls       
Hope you had a good weekend - been a bit busy on here so have a bit to catch up on.
Had a lovely weekend visiting an old friend down south - very relaxing although not looking forward to the teenage years now.
We went up London Eye and on a boat trip and to Nat Hist mus and it was all great fun and ds loved it.
Feeling quite good esp as not doing the school run.

Sarylou - big love and cuddles from me to you too - take care sweetheart - thinking of you.  You are not a failure darling its just not happened for you at the moment and I know its hard but I am sure its going to happen for you one day!  please try and stay pos although I know its so hard too.  We are here for you darling.,

Kelway - hope you are ok and enjoying not going on the school run, i was visiting friends in surrey at the weekend and had a drunken though on Sat night to turn up at your market to surprise you!!!!! I might one day now I know where you are - and I could just imagine your face and I would have given you such a hug!  Jo sorry you got sandwiched between those thoughtless women - I am sure they will get their cupuppance one day!!! and do really enjoy your chilled out time with Mert - I am certainly looking forward to my.  I just came back from a weekend with an old friend who I have known since I was 14 and am off to visit another one tomorrow for 2 nights who is in the same position as me ie one child and 2 m/c and years of trying but she has also lost her mum poor thing so I will do my best to cheer her up and hope we don't drink too much wine.  It was a lovely day to day and we went visiting and then swimming and shopping - he went to bed late and my dh was home late but it did not matter as we were so relaxed and no school for 2 weeks.


Pand - good luck with you clommid too (if you reply and look down you can see everyones messages) I have not got that good a memory but when I have been away for a few days and there lots to post it takes a while to catch up but is good when you do.
Sorry you feeling bit down and negative about AF and clommid and the outcome but can see where you are coming from as I have come to that way of thinking as well (even though in my reply to Lainey I have said I belive in all the positive thoughts as well) I just think sometimes we need the self protection mechanism to save ourselves all the heartache.  Its like most of my cycles now are a bit longer and I feel really bloated and tired etc and I know when I say this to people that they think I might be preg its just I know I am not and have to think like that in order to protect myself if that makes sense!  Obvioulsy when I did the IUI I felt there was more of a chance and to be honest on my first few cycles of clommid and I will be very positive when I do the egg donor cycle as really hope that will work.

Lainey - what fab news about your pay rise and so glad you are feeling better - I agree I now cuddle ds more than dh and he cuddles me so nicely back and tells me he loves me all the time!!! although he was very naughty towards the end of last week being so tired and we had a few rows like a married couple too.  Love the sound of your healer - I am so into all that and think you are right about being positive about saying to yourself that you can have another baby and doing the affirmations etc - I so believe in it too but wish it would hurry up and work.  back in NOv I went on a mind body spirit fair and had an angel reading and some reiki and relex and about three different women told me they saw a baby girl and that I had to be patient (although I think I have been!!!) so I do believe i just want it to hurry up and if I knew for sure I would not have had such heartache over the last 3/4 years.  Its all good stuff though and lets hope it works,  I have found my meditation and the latest Inspiratonal course that I have done to be good for taking my mind of the whole IF journey.

Debs - sorry you only got the bank hols off - my dh on call Fri and Sat and did not get home til 9.30 tonight ! Having spent the weekend with a 12 and 15 year old who are going to be 13 and 16 very soon and act and seem older I think you must have your hands so full with yours!

Cinders - how was disney - got the impression you were going immediately - hope you had/are having fun and don't forget to tell us all about it

Emily caitlin - hope you are ok and that you enjoyed your holiday

Bek - hope you are ok - hope you managed to enjoy ds birthday to the full and not let the younger ones up set you too much

Gabrielle - Hope you are ok sweetheart - hope that you are feeling better - please post on here and get it out of your system and we are all here for you having been through it all.

Teena - How is it all going - hope you keeping well

Hi to Sazz, Honeyprincess , Amanda, Gayn - hope you all are doing ok

Love and good luck to you all


----------



## missyb

hello all!! thank you for the reply the other day. had a bit of a 'blonde moment ' (no offence) and thought noone had replied and then realised today that i needed to go to the last page for the more recent replies!! hope that all is going well for everyone on here. so far i have a month to wait for my initial appt at the doctors to get the ball rolling   i'm so desperate to get pregnant before then so that i dont have to go through that whole cycle of waiting, wondering etc; but i've never been that lucky!! could anyone answer a question for me?? (please, please pretty please) if i have children already but my partner has none does that mean that i wouldnt be eligible for IVF etc if needed? anyway, i hope that everyone is surviving the holidays (even though they've just started) and that you all have a lovely easter.


amanda x


----------



## kelway

hi sooze, you sound chilled out which is good. come and see me one sunday next time you are in town. it is lucky for you that you have a friend in the same position with whom you can meet up, i wish i had that, i am not friends with the women i see on the school run although it does help ease the situ' a bit if she is around. your poor friend having lost her ma too, makes you realise there is always someone worse off than yourself. i don't feel anger towards the women i was sandwiched imbetween at merts nursery as they don't know me so don't know my situ', i am sure if they did they would have cringed but my infertility ain't their fault. my best friend, heavily pg/same age, she has TERRIBLE pain right now as suffering very very bad piles, i didn't get this and she is only 30 weeks so has a long way to go......sometimes i think i am perhaps not so badly off!! all the best and take care. joxx


----------



## emilycaitlin

Hi everyone,

Amanda - I'm not 100% certain on this, but I'm pretty sure that you would have to pay for IVF, as I think the case is that if either person has a child, you aren't elgible for free treatment.


----------



## cinders35

Hello all!
Have had quick flick through, you've been very chatty ladies! Got back only 3hrs ago from eurodisney! Poor dd absolutely sobbing because she didn't want to leave! She wants to live with Mickey! We spent fortune! Food so expensive! Will be living on no frills beans for the next year!!! But had a great time. Only occasionally found myself checking out other families for any single children! But other than that had no time to think about yukky bfn, was a lovely break from it! Had told dp he might get lucky while we were away, but was so exhausted every night just managed to have bath & fall into bed before we were catching flies!! Ho hum!! Will have to get our act together if we are to ttc with some bms, as fertile time fast approaching! Though not sure after IVF cycle?
Have cranked up washing machine already, will come back and have proper read & write when have unpacked properley!
Love to all
Cindersxx 
P.s Know what you mean Lainey. Our mantra should be, "I CAN HAVE A BABY, I WILL HAVE A BABY..."
One more, just one more! Please? Pretty please?!x


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girl
just a quickie doing this from my friends so am pretty addicted wouldn't you say
thinking of you went to a play barn down here and some kids still at school so it was lovely and quiet and just how i like it
my friends little boy is 4 months younger than mine and they get on so well and are like brothers its so nice
its also lovey to talk with someone who knows whats its like although obviously she has other stuff on her mind at moment.
she has others in her antenatal in same boat which quite good for her and think FF quite active in this area (was going to say fertile but seemed unfair pun)
have not got time for personals and my normal long posts but missb wanted to say unfourtunately if either of you has a child or over 40 has to pay although its beginning to ring bells that someone argued their position when the child did not live with them - cannot remember where I read it but assume it must have been on here so why not post something on main board??
Kelway thinking of you and would love to surprise you at the market some time.
love and hugs to the rest of you just wanted to say Happy Easter and I will log on again sometime in next few days but am staying down here longer now.
take care my lovelies and have fun
love
susie


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm afraid this is going to be a very depressed post, which seems a shame when everyone has been so positive lately.

I have got my appointment with the expert cons on 27th April which was great.  I have made the decision I'm going to ask for them to remove the tube with the cyst in it, as everything I have researched tells me I'm not going to get pregnant all the time it is there, and it was agony when I ovulated this month.  So I was just beginning to get my head around the fact that I may have an op about July time, and that by August/September you never know I might strike lucky.  

Then yesterday morning a white envelope arrives on my doorstep.  With everything else that's been going on I had completely forgotten I had a smear in January.  So completely unsuspecting I opened it up only to find that I had an ABNORMAL result, borderline changes.  I've got to be re-tested in 12 months and the advice is that I shouldn't get pregnant in the meantime as firstly it can make things worse, and secondly they wouldn't be able to treat it.  WHY ME?    I'm absolutely devastated.

I spoke and blubbed down the phone to my GP yesterday and she said to carry on for now, and speak to the cons in April to ask for advice.  Which is what I want to do, but what if the impossible does happen, I get pregnant then develop serious complications.  I can't bear the thought of my little one growing up without a mum.

I just don't understand what I've done to deserve all of this.  I'm not a bad person.  I've been through so much in the last eighteen months and it seems every time I get over one hurdle another one is put in my way.  I just want to sit and howl.  

As I said, sorry to be so down.

Amanda


----------



## kelway

hi amanda, so sorry to read your post but try not to worry although easier said than done, i know. i remember the first smear i had after having dd came back abnormal but it did right itself naturally within the following 6 months as i had a repeat smear and it seemed ok then. about 20 years ago give or take i had another abnormal smear and had to have a biopsy thingy plus ended up having to have lazer treatment, not sure what 'level' the cells were, possibly the same as you. it does seem scary seeing it in a letter burt it is very common and treatable but i know, it does add to the pain already there ttc unsuccessfully. it'll all be ok though, you'll see. big hugs, joxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi Amanda,
So sorry to read your post. I expect you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's complete pants, but as Kelway said, these things often sort themselves out. At least you can actually discuss it, and work out a plan when you see consultant on 27th. No words of wisdom, but thinking of you.
Love Cindersxx
P.s This is where we need to come when we are down, so don't think you need to worry about doing a depressed post!


----------



## missyb

hi again! thank you suzy and emilycaitlin for answering my question. I think you are right suzy i remember reading on here that someone managed to argue their case as their child didnt live with them. I'm probably thinking way to far ahead but i just had a nagging doubt that that would be the case.

Pand i'm so sorry to hear your about ur news keep us posted. hope you're ok. big hugs 

amanda xx


----------



## TC2

Hi All

Sorry havent been here much - really suffering with sickness and massive exhaustion!

Pand - I think its a bit C**P they put that in a letter. - Now prior to DS for two years i had some bad smears and alot of treatment, my first bad result came as a shock and was a CIN3 so i had to have an op to remove a bit of cervix - then 3 months later same again, then 6 months later another but CIN 2 so just lasered then another 3 months later - at this point i wanted to TTC and cons said that cervix might be 'incompetent' but that would just need a stitch (because of the area they took away, he told me that it is safe to treat you when Preg and not to worry.)  I had a CIN 2 lasered when i was 3 months gone with DS but cervix held out without stitch and i went to 42 weeks with a 9lb 11oz baby!  I would wait see what your cons says, mine said it was positively ok.... he said you could wait years and be clear then still get a prob when pg anyway.  I trust him 100% and he is also my IVF consultant and everything hes said has been right!     Try not to worry till you see Cons.  


Susie - Glad you are having agood time at your friends - nice for your DS too to have a friend to keep busy with.

Anyhow now DS has drawn a H on my parquet floor so got to dash - arrrgghhh! hes never drawn on anything before other than paper!!

Take care and enjoy your easter - oh and i also needed to tell you all had my 7 week scan on friday - two little heartbeats!!!! so its def twins! Am happy and crying and wrecked so looking very attractive most of the time now...

Teena x


----------



## sazz

Ladies-sorry just haven't had time to be on much lately....just wanted to wish you all Happy Easter.  
lots of love to all 
Sazz


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Happy Easter - hope you are enjoying the break with your little ones and doing lots of lovely stuff.
Had a lovely few days away and the weather has been wonderful.
just been catching up with all the news but am quite tired too.
will come on again soon
bit overwhelmed but pands sad news so hopefully it will ok

Pand - I am so sorry about your horrible letter and wish I could say something to make it better, we are here for you and as Cinders said this is where you come when you feel down and need to get stuff off your chest.  I think tc2s message about what happened to her should help you.  Anyway thinking of you and will have my fingers crossed for you.  Hopefully they will tell you more on 27th April.
I am sure it will be ok and try not to worry darling. just realised you are only in worcestershire so perhaps we could meet up sometime. (and anyone else who would like to)

Cinders - hope that you are ok - hope you have recovered from eurodisney and glad you had such a good time, I remember it being expensive and meant to tell you that I used to raid the breakfast bar for rolls and juice for lunch as my ds would never let us stop for that due to the time factor and also money - it is naughty how expensive it is but glad it took your mind of everything and was just what the dr ordered for you!

Lainy-lou - How are you doing
Sarylou - hope you are ok and have a good easter
Debs - hope you are doing ok too 
Sazz - Happy Easter back to you and hope that you are ok too.

Kelway - hope you are having a lovely easter hol - yes feel really chilled out after visiting my friends and its been really nice being able to discuss the whole ED stuff with live people as it were as only told people on here and no one up here.

Teena - so glad your 7 week scan went well and how fab that you have twins - no wonder you are feeling so tired.
Very pleased for you - are you keeping a diary on here anywhere to keep up to date with where you are up to.?
anyway good luck and take care and thanks for keeping us posted.
Had great time with my friend and then my cousin and she has a hot tub so was out in it today which was wonderful.
still not done too well with the diet but am going to start on tuesday!!!

HI to emily caitlin, Missb
and to anyone else who has not posted on here for a while

happy easter girls
take care
love
susie


----------



## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Just wanted to say HAPPY EASTER to everyone and i hope everyone had a nice day with their families. Pand just wanted to send you a few   to let you know im thinkng of you, hopefully the appt on the 27th of April will make you feel a bit more positive and you will have a lot of questions answered then. 

Teena, lovely to hear yr news TWINS!!!!!,  ooohhhh you are a clever girl! Take extra special care and remember that means you are eating for three now. Does that mean 3 easter eggs too!!!!!!

Nothing else to report trying to stay positive but you all know what that feels like sometimes, the dreaded fsh level blood test coming up so hopefully the acu and herbs have done the trick(I chickened out last month as couldnt face another high result). My dh wants to wait until July/Aug before we start our first ICSI cycle (if we ever get there!!!!), im trying to convince him that the sooner the better, im really worried there is a problem with my eggs and if we started our treatment soonest if there was a problem we could try and resolve it or anything else that they might have overseen in the last ten years, i may just be clutching at straws here. If we wait till July/Aug i feel it may be a wasted four months if im not going to fall pg anyway. (im also worried about my endo cycts coming back as in July/Aug time i will be 1 year post last laser surgery(Surgery was sep 2006). Does this make sense or am i typing drivel, sorry been out all day and feeling a bit tired as the witch is here too (AF i mean not the mother in law), Anyway what do you think??  The chinese herbs have def helped my AF as my Endo pains not as bad, not as many clots and not as bloated so at least there is a pos note. Cycle has also been bang on 28 days both months so hopefully that means hormones have decided to behave themselves.

Anyway girlies better go as dh is giving me the look, i think he wants me to help him cut the grass, oh the joys of domestic bliss!!!!!!!, it also looks like our robin (who visited us lst year) has come back to lay some eggs... heres hoping that it brings us luck too...Take care girlies...Gabxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## SUSZY

happy easter again girls
thinking of you all 
miss you
sorry to miss you out last time gab
take care sweethearts
susie


----------



## Pand

Hi girls,

Cinders, Jo, Gabrielle, Teena and Suzy thank you all so much for your support this week.  Teena your story has helped me a lot.  I've also talked to my sister in law who was CIN 3 last year who has put my mind at rest a bit.  I will speak to my cons on the 27th (which seems like forever away) and see what he says, but I'm pretty determined that I'm not going to stop trying.  It's really wierd, I know what I need in order for things to work for me, I need that flipping tube taking out and somehow I've got to persaude my cons to put me on his waiting list.  From everything I've read I don't stand much chance until the hydro has  been removed.  But it's three weeks til my appointment then another three to six months to wait until the op, then however long it takes to get pregnant after that.  Why does it all have to take so flaming long?  All the time the gap between my little one and any siblings is getting bigger and bigger!  My best mate, who started trying at the same time as me has just had her twenty week scan and it's so painful seeing her as I can only think why has it worked out for her and not for me?  Why will nothing go right for me?  Sorry, I'm still feeling a bit down.  I've given up any hope of anything working until this hydro is dealt with and that just seems like an eternity away.

On a different note, Teena your news is SO FANTASTIC!!!   Well done you!  It's no surprise that you are shattered!  You must be over the moon and terrified all at the same time. It's so good to hear some positive news and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Suzy - where are you at with your donor?  When are you going to start treatment?  It would be nice to meet up some time.  Can you think  of a good halfway point?  My little one was looking at the picture of you just now and asking who you were!

Lainey - how are you getting on?

That's all for now.  HAPPY EASTER to everyone else I haven't mentioned and thanks again everyone for helping me this week!

Speak soon

Amanda


----------



## emilycaitlin

Welcome to the site Jenny, you will find loads of support, just ask if you need any help with anything!


----------



## kelway

hi  jenny, welcome here, good place to stop you feeling isolated and that you are not the only person who is not pg!! all the best jox


----------



## *Lollipop*

Hi Jenny,

Just to say welcome and that you will find all the girlies here are very supportive, I dont post that often, but when i do i try not to make it a book, lots of     coming yr way to chase away all the neg vibes and best of luck....Gabxxxxxx


----------



## TC2

HI All

Welcome Jenny! you have come to the right place,  as you will have read on some of the posts, everyone knows the feeling when your AF comes yet again and the pain of longing for another. You willl find everyone here very supportive!

Just thought i would give you girls a laugh at how the hormones are sending me even more   than i was before... I sat in my DS room last night before i went to sleep and cried alot   as our special time together of him being the cebtre of our world will end so soon now...mad mad mad i am welling up again now....i so desperately want these babies and my DS is desperate for a sibling but i am plagued by these mad thoughts!!!!  Isnt the brain a stupid organ, how many months i cried when my AF came and yearned to be where i am now...its not that i wish i wasnt its just all these confusing thoughts in my brain!!!

Well off to work now.....catch up with you all later, hope you all had a great weekend (spent most of mine being sick or in bed - ah the joys!)

Teena x


----------



## cinders35

Mornin' all.
Hope you have had a great easter, and enjoyed your choccy?! I have unfortunately enjoyed way too much of it! Going to take some of it in to work tommorrow, as if it stays here it will end up in my tummy, and then redistributed appropriately to hips, bottom and thighs. not good!!
Got back from disneyland paris last week as you know, got half way through washing and the machine died a death! New easter bargain getting through backlog as we speak! Then dp went to mow lawn and lawn mower started smoking. I don't know much about lawn mowers but figured this wasn't good! It was only a year old!! So we had to get a new one as garden was doing good impression of jungle, infact think caught pussy cats pretending to be tigers the other day!?!  
We have really bad luck with electrical equipment!!
So skint now, unreal! Rainy day funds are hoping for a dry spell!!
Over 2 weeks since my yukky bfn now, feel ok about it. Not great, but ok. Moving on. Have started to ttc naturally with   already.
You do here stories of people conceiving inbetween treatment cycles, so am hoping! This will be the first time since ttc I will have the support of ff, as only found this site while doing the IVF, so it is nice to know I will have somewhere to come for support when I am on the monthly rollercoater of ttc naturally.
I CAN HAVE A BABY, I WILL HAVE A BABY. I CAN HAVE A BABY, I WILL HAVE A BABY.
So it wasn't the best easter ever, as poor dd has been ill since good friday. Infact couldn't find my laptop, it was underneath the mountain of bogey tissues! Eughhhh....
She has been sick too, and whenever she is poorly always has a roaring temperature. Poor little puddin'. I want to take it away, and have it for her! But hopefully she will end up a strong little girl, after all these toddler illnesses.

Welcome Jenny, it's pants this malarky isn't it?! 
But we will help each other through, as nobody else can. Because we KNOW!!! (Know it alls that we are!!) I hope you find comfort wafting through your computer screen!          
Hi Teena, must be hideous feeling so nauseated, but can it be a strange comfort knowing that all is well when you feel so ill? Hope so!  

Amanda, I understand your frustration with timing. Everything takes SOOOO long to sort out. I hope your consultant listens to what you say on 27th! Write a list of the things you want to say, as its easy to forget things when you're in there! 

Gab, your post did make sense despite being weary! It does sound like you have just had a really good cycle, well done! What herbs did you use if you don't mind me asking? 
Suszy, hope all going well with the eggs? Looking forward to hearing the latest. 
Lainey, you having busy easter?! Hope you are ok? 
To everyone else, am not very good at doing the personals yet! Will keep trying. But don't mean to offend!
Love and hope to all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## missyb

hi all!! i just wanted to say hello and hope that all s ok. i have to admit i feel a bit lost at the mo and im sorry if im rambling. i'm due to go to the dr's in may to start referrals for tests etc. in the mean time the result of my smear is inadequate (the next 1 i go 4 will be my 3rd in 6 mths) wot does that mean lol. in my head i've got all sorts wrong with me, the dr isnt going to want to see me in may untill all of this is sorted and i'm going to have to wait even longer just to get started!! my hormones are all over the place since i came off the pill and my skin would make any teenager proud!!! i'm trying to be positive but it's not working today.

sorry again

amanda xx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear girls
cannot be long as dh wants to get on here and my dad and step mother cooking tea and there is rezina to be drunk but just want to walcome jenny glad you came over you will feel so at home here.
missy b - you need to get talking with Pand (do it by pming re the smear results if you feel better that way)
I so want to say loads girls but do not have the time
we are here for each other no matter want and thanks teena for posting that about losing your special time esp if have twins - perhaps we all need to focus on the pluses of only have one.
anyway girls - you lot and one other thread I have are my life line - (other than my donor) when have more news will let you know - sure all my other friends up here ie new mums think I am pg because been so quiet and also look a bit fat.
gab - perhaps we should all write a book from our snipnets on here!!!!!
cinders - you will have a baby  and so will kelway and all of us and hopefully this year!!!
will reply again soon the smells from kitchen are yummy
we should all meet up somewhere one day.
love
susie
hi to everyone else not missing anyone out just have to get off as feel guilty but will be back on here soon as ff takes priorty over everything


----------



## Pand

Hi girls!

Suzy - I can't believe you mentioned writing a book, you know I've been thinking about suggesting that in all seriousness!  Between us we could write so many sad/funny/poignant stories!  We should definitely think about it!

Teena - Ah love.  Pregnancy hormones are great aren't they?  Don't feel bad about having such erratic (yes erratic, not errotic) thoughts, it's perfectly natural.  We are wired up that way!  Just think, soon your little one will have two play mates and company for the rest of his life.  That far outweighs not being the centre of attention anymore and I think he will soon realise that!

Amanda - It's a bit spooky that you and I are both now lumbered with smear problems as well as ttc.  Where are you at with it all?  Feel free to pm  me if you want to chat.  With both of us having the same name it should confuse everyone!

Lainey - Where are you?  How are you getting on with the clomid?  Are you ok hun?

Gabrielle - Good to hear from you flower!

I don't mean to miss anyone out, but I always forget what everyone has written once I get to writing my own post, and I'm not organised enough to use a pen and paper!

As for me, I'm still very up and down.  Feeling ok today and waiting for AF to arrive at anytime as am having all the usual aches and pains.  Kind of expecting this month as am convinced that I ovluated out of the wrong side.  Still, will probably blart lots and feel very sorry for myself anyway!  So two months of clomid and still no luck!  There's a shock!

Anyway take care everyone and enjoy the sunshine.  Having a fab time with my little man and doing some fun stuff this week before starting back at school next week!  Must go and get some planning done now!

Keep smiling!   

Amanda xxx


----------



## xmissnawtyx

Hi All
Well Its been a while since i`ve been on the site..
Did a course of Egg Sharing IVF in Feb 06 been failed and was horrid..
Have just booked my Sterilization Reversal Operation May 8th and so excited...
Hi to every1 who remembers me..Hope everybody is healthy...

Jayne xxx


----------



## MrsRedcap

Jayne...best of luck with your reversal op hun...I had one done in 2004. But I had an ectopic in 2005 and lost my right tube. But had a HSG yesterday and my remaining tube is still open 

Love

Vicki x


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello everyone, sorry for the absence!

Welcome to Jayne and Jenny.  Good luck with the reversal Jayne, not long to go!

Amanda - so sorry to hear about your smear test.  I am sure they can resolve it though, it is quite common.  It is just one thing after another though, isn't it?  I know how you feel.

I am not going to do loads of personals, cos it has taken me about an hour to catch up on all the messages    Hello to Suzy, Kelway, Missyb, Gabrielle, etc, etc.

I have been having a bit of a tricky time.  Lots of  (so much for my positive thinking).  Sometimes I don't post because I just don't know what to say, I don't want to be all doom and gloom all the time and quite a lot of the time that is how I feel!  I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future held.  If I could see another baby for me I could chill out about it and just wait for it to happen when it happens.  As it is, I feel myself getting more and more panicky and anxious about the prospect of Lydia being an only child.  My best friend is on her third now and she had her first at the same time as I had Lydia.  It's not fair!

Sorry for the rant, hope everyone else is bearing up better than me and had a good easter.

Love Lainey xx


----------



## missyb

hi all!! i felt a bit better after reading the last lot of postings. Like Lainey-Lou i don't always know what to say, or if everyone else feels positive and i dont then i feel like im just being a whinger! anyway, lainey-lou i so know how you feel especially about the crystal ball because i think if i knew the future meant i couldnt have anymore children i would grieve and then just get on with it ( well thats what i tell myself!) but it's the waiting,wondering,hormones etc that drive you mad that topped with the fact that everyone seems pg!!! my best friends baby is due in june and i've hardly seen her since she has become pg.. i dont just think it is me though i think some of it is her feeling awkward.

Hi to suzy, yay to vicki, pand i will im you, hi to the other girls on here who post regularly without whom i would be a gibbering wreck..

love

amanda xx


----------



## cinders35

Hi guys,**WARNING - THIS POST VERY MISERABLE. READ AT YOUR PERIL!!**
Oh c**p, c**p, c**p.
Am feeling pretty low today. I am afraid to say it is the old green eyed monstor rearing its ugly head. Dp has 2 best mates from uni days. One of whom is married to one of my best mates from college days, infact we introduced them! They have 3 children, getting pg at drop of hat! 
The other of dp's best mates, has had his 2nd child today, a baby girl. They have had a really rough time, with a high risk pg. The normal me, deep down underneath all this fertilty stuff, is both pleased and relieved for them. But this fertilty stuff just gets in the way. I feel sooo low. It makes no sense to feel this way, as them having a baby makes no difference to whether we will have one or not. I feel so sad, such a failure, so inadequate. I will rush out and probably overspend on a gift for the baby, to ease my guilt at these jealous feelings. I think I am generally quite a nice person, and genuine. I don't think I am very good at disguising how I feel. It's going to be so tough, going to visit and cooo over the baby. They do know about our fertlity problems, and have been as supportive and sensitive as they can be. I don't know if the fact that they know it's difficult for me will make it better or worse.
Why is this happening? When will it be my turn? I'm so sick of this, of what it has done to me, what it has turned me in to. My self esteem must be rock bottom! Non existant. I just don't want to let down my dd. I worry about when dp and I are no longer here, I don't want her to be on her own. 
I'm so sorry if I have brought you down. spoiled your day. But I thought it might help if I got these things out of my head so to speak. For the past couple of years just kept it in mostly. It does you no good!
But despite typing for the past 10 minutes, I don't seem to be feeling much better.
I can relate to the rising panick you feel Lainey, as the gap between dd and potential sibling widens. 
Amanda, have you been listening in to my conversations?! As the whole crystal ball comment, moving on, grieving etc are words that have come from my very mouth!!
Just realised you said the crystal ball thingy Lainey! We all must have great minds.......?!
Just want the rest of the world to stop having babies until I have sorted this out and am up duff! But this is probably unrealistic?!!
Oh poooooo, pooo, pooo.
I hate this. So much.
I also hate the pity too. We kept our problems to ourselves for ages, but eventually it was easier to tell than keep it private. Which is great as people can try and be a bit sensitive!? But it's so personal, and like I say, I hate the pity.
Well, better go and buy a present. Saw some lovely baby clothes in boots of all places, the other day.
I am truly sorry if I have made you feel c**p too.
I really want a baby.
Love Cindersxx 
Actually, have just read it on preview. It doesn't read THAT bad. Not as bad or sad as I feel anyway!
P.s Even peppa pig has a little brother called George. AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## xmissnawtyx

Oh Cinders 
I know what you mean were ever you look you see babies or anything related to babies..
I really don`t mean to be anti babies cause i would so love to be pregnant and dream about it 
The mind is a horrible thing
Keep positive we all will get to our goals  

Luv

Jayne
xxx


----------



## cinders35

Thanks for your speedy support girls.
Keeping everything crossed for you that the antibiotics work Jenny. You must be feeling so bad with all that infection hanging around. Can't believe you didn't get the antibiotics in hosp! Would it be worth a short stay in hospital now to have intravenous antibiotics, and knock it on the head? Just a thought. Not sure of whole picture, so better keep my nose out!
Love to all 
Cindersxxx


----------



## missyb

oh cinders.. i feel for you.. we all do. the good thing about this site is you can spill and noone judges you. we all know how you feel. wanting to have a baby is such a big thing and it makes you want to spew molten lava crazy all over anyone who makes coments.. you know the '...just relax' 'it'll be your turn'... etc etc and for the entire population (or so it seems) who can get pg at the drop of a hat you genuinley are happy but why does it have to be in your face we all feel it honey so carry on and we will be here. when some of us are having a bad day there is always someone on here who is having a not so bad day who manages to say just the right thing at the right time.

amanda xx


----------



## TC2

Hi Cinders- so sorry you are having one of those days we know so well.............. two months ago i was where you are now and its not a nice place..........it is good to share and we all understand.  Now i will tell you of something funny that happened today, you might not find it amusing but i did... i used to be part of an NCT group and we met up once week (after my DS was born) they were great, apart from they all seemed to get pg again quickly and then one had a third and one a fourth! (yes a busy lot), after a while they all stopped asking me and started looking sadly at me, especially when i would hold their little ones, and then of course they would say the usual daft stuff about how much better it must be to just have 1 (stupid stupid stupid women!) so i stopped going cos i just couldnt deal with it all and anyhow i bumped into the one whos got three today at the supermarket and she started with the pitying look (or am i just oversensitive LOL) she then proceeded to tell me about how much her holiday had just cost blah blah and how lucky i was to only have 1 child - so then i said well not for long im expecting twins...well she nearly died of shock! I walked away with a smug look and thought thatll teach you to pity me!    That sounds terrible but its what i thought/how i felt and i kind of feel that perhaps i am still gonna be the horrid person that IF turned me into!  I dont think we will ever leave this behind even when we have our dream.....sad but i think true.  I went for some counselling but i think that it made me better at saying what i was thinking, it didnt change the content!

God i am rambling on.... 

So i need some more of you over this side of the   fence with me otherwise im not gonna belong here anymore    

remember i am here...dreams do come true.....

Teena x


----------



## SUSZY

Girls girls girls
I love you all so much because we all think and feel exactly the same things and I think we all agree that each of us could have written most of the things we each write if that makes sense. (Kelway - where are you??)

I have just caught up so am going to recap again by flicking down the pages (hint for you Pand) each time I read something I want to cry/laugh/giggle - then have another sip of wine - because we all feel exactly the same thing.

I will start with Teena as this is something I have thought about what one does when you get a bfp on a site when you might be the only one ?? hard one because its an exciting worrying time which you need to share with ones going through the same but we want to know some of the stuff so you are not allowed to leave here because we want to know how you are getting on, we want to know how you are coping and we want those fab stories of yours (I am desparate to tell everyone I am expecting twins which hopefully I will one day as I was heavily involved with nct and am still abit and know exactly where you are coming from some are really nice but some not so considerate) two of mine are on their thirds!! and one who struggled to conceive said to me back in feb when her 2nd one that she took a year to conceive was 2 and said Oh so you still want another one !!! I could have screamed at her - I realise I spent a lot of time with some people who were very insensitive to how I was feeling and I tended to grap on to the ones who were waiting a few years before they tried only to have these ones approaching their second birthdays)
anyway teena please don't leave us, we need you to encourage and support us and hopefully we can you too.

Cinders -if I could reach out and hug you down these cyper waves I would  these will have to do     we have all been there and feel how you feel.  the only reason I am better now is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that my eggs are old (and I have a donor who has offered her eggs and its a real possibility now)and after the clommid and alternative remedies and the iui that even when I am fertile (which I think is now) I kind of avoid bms because I cannot cope with the heartache after 3 to 4 years of thinking every month am i am i not so I know where you are coming from.  and I so agree about the crystal ball, because I have worried and shed so many tears and if only we knew it would so help - it feels so strange now because thanks to my donor and us trying to find 5k I think there is a real possibility that we could get pg and of course it could end up as twins (as often happens with ivf which is why they are not thinking of changing and only putting one back in or something like that) or having none and it feels so weird as not sure how I am going to cope with either outcome nut wish I knew so could prepare.  Except I have one georgous one already and he fell in love with my dads dog so we might get one of those.  Its such a long painful journey and there are no easy answers but at least we can come on here and moan and share and please do girls its what we are her for!

Missby (am calling you all my the log ins as will get very confused otherwise) I love your term molten lava crazy sums up what I feel sometimes really well.  Not sure if I told you about a recent email i got about someone who had their third recently they sent a photo and glibly put on the bottom "thats our set of three complete!  suffice to say have not been to see the baby yet.  I know it was a blanket one but it was just so glib and smug and matter of fact.

Jenny - hope you feeling bit better and that some antibs works sounds so painful and that you have been through a lot.

Hi jayne - welcome back and sorry to hear of your troubles too and look forward to getting to know you better on here which is all of our second homes.

Lainey - don't worry about not posting if you are not feeling up to it but if you are please do post even sad/negative thoughts because we have all been there and I think it makes us all feel more normal to post that stuff.
I went through such a rough time back in nov/dec and Jan and kept posting stuff and I had such support (that was before Kelway sarylou and emily caitlin got this secondry thread going again)we are all here for each other whether we feel happy or sad so please do post even its if to say hi i am still here but feel pants today.

Pand glad you are having such fun with your little man - i so love holiday time!! but sorry you been so up and down its that bloody clommid that does it to you! so hope you know one way or other soon.  I am pretty sure one of the girls on another thread was thinking of writing a book - when you read some of the diaries of the 2ww some write really well but perhaps it is something we should all think about!!

Gabrielle - hope you are doing ok sweetheart  sending you love and hugs

sarylou - where are you - hope you doing ok
emily caitilin - hope you are too
hello to Mrs rednap

also to anyone else I might have missed out and to anyone else thinking of posting on here please do we are all here for each other 

take lots of care darlings

love


----------



## SUSZY

Right girls
just realised by checking there is quite a few who have not posted for a while so hope you are all ok

Keira
Mass
Honey princess
linchick
debs
maz
sazz
pip
kazvan

so hope you are all ok and hope to hear from you soon
please do post we miss you


----------



## emilycaitlin

HI,

Sorry it's been a bad day for a lot of us.  It's good that we all understand how each other feel, as no-one else seems to a lot of the time!!

I heard at work yesterday that 4 people are now pregnant, and I just keep thinking, 'why is it always someone else'?  

I am an only child, and keep thinking back to my childhood, and it wan't that bad, I enjoyed playing on my own, didn't feel lonely (the majority of the time).  It's just as I get older that I notice it more, I feel I have to sort everything out if one of my parents is ill, etc.  I don't want my dd to have to do all that.

I really hope the weekend gives us a bit more hope and we can start to feel a bit brighter!


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Hi 
emilycaitlin  
long time no chat, we must make time for a natter soon 
I am still around, but have had the odd good day and bad...more bad days recently as my ds is now a whopping 15 years old and been ttc number 2 for 11 years, and going through phases that it won't happen now, but dutifully kick myself up the rear and know how lucky I am, how blessed I am, to have been given just one chance to be a mother.
I have a few special friends on here, of whom most, have yet to acheive their dream of their first child. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that knowing these wonderful women, some not for long, some for a few years, that I would GLADLY give up my chance for another child, (which would be a first child for me and my darling husband), if I could (somehow) give my chance to them. To see these wonderful women be denied the chance to see that postive pee stick, to give them the chance to feel their child growing and kicking, and to see them blossom as the wonderful mothers they would most definitely be would be my greatest gift to them...if only...
I am blown away with the love and support my friends on here have shown me, and it takes an incredibly strong, amazing woman to give ME time, give ME sympathy...when their hearts and arms must ache beyond ANYTHING I can ever possibly imagine.
emilycaitlin, I have 3 brothers and my fear is the same as yours with your dd, as if/when my dh and I get older, he will have to face his life without siblings. He won't be alone, I'm sure he'll have an army of friends, and cousins to go through whatever life throws at him, but I too share the same feelings, the emptiness (almost) and the sense of having let him down, that he has no sibling to share his childhood with, and all of life's ups and downs...as only siblings can.
My ds is an amazing young man. He makes me so so proud of him, the man he is becoming. As he gets older, he is inevitably pulling away, and prefers to spend more and more time with his mates. The house is alot quieter when he's not around and I miss the requests for "Mummy will you play cars with me" or "Mummy can we play monopoly" and "Mummy will you come and dry me properly" when he's had a bath. The redundant feelings increase as he gets older, and I have to force myself to not be selfish and sulk, if he's asking for a sleep over at his mates, as I wanted to spend time with him, watching a movie or have a pizza like we used to.
I manage, I have to...I have no choice...and my life IS good. I have a wonderful, amazing husband, who is THE best step-dad to my boy, and a wonderful, loving, hilariously funny son... but the feelings of what if will always be with me.
We all feel the same here, and all we can do is reach out and support those who, like us, truly know how we feel.
Take care everyone
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


----------



## missyb

Hi girls!! hope you are all ok. thanks suzy for yor msg.. people can be sooooo glib,thoughtless and generally stooopid!! i was fine this week although im due my af on tue and i think the hormone circus is in town! well after my last post i got a call from the gp who said that having 2 inadequate smears isnt good enough and so he'd like me to see the gynae specialist especially as he has concerns over my cervix ( i so dont even want to know what that means). i did my usual [email protected]@ thing and was all happy and jolly on the phone and then thought well does that mean he wants me to go back on the pill till it all gets sorted or what? i tried to call them back but the surgery was closed, then i had work the next day and now the weekend. im worried that all the hopes of having a bfp are going to be put back untill my dodgy cervix gets sorted.. anyway, enough of me moaning...

hi to pand, emily caitlin,pand,suzy,jen, and tc2 who hopefully we will all join in the bfp club.


amanda xx


----------



## Keira

Hi Ladies

Sorry not been on for a while but still here.........due to test on 18/04 for 2nd IUI    

teena  -  twins..... you must be delighted     

Hope the rest of you ladies are keeping ok and staying    

Kx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Just a quickie and I mean it, has a last minute trip to Angelsey in the van which was lovely and we spent time on beach in the sun which great. Not really looking forward to the whole school run thing again but the weather is better and we have two bank hols coming up and another weeks hol at the end of May.
anyway will be thinking of you all on the school run esp you Kelway and mert (glad dh back and hope you are having fun together)
Nice to hear from you Keira and good luck on the 2ww and testing in a couple of days will keep everything crossed.
Hi to all the rest of you girls MissbyB, Pand, Gabrielle, cinders ,Jen, jayne honeyprincess, Mazz, pip, kazvan, linda and debs, emilly caitlin, sazz and pip and anyone I have missed out and any new ones.
tina hope you are doing ok 

Mrs chaos - know what you mean in your post as it would be so lovely for others to share the joy of having even one.
I too feel like that if I could help someone else by giving up my chance but then I mix with all the people I do that get pg at the drop of a hat even on their thirds and I think back to the heartache of all the hundreds of babies I have seen being born and just want to hold one again in my arms.  Infertility is such a terrible thing and I wish there was more research and that people in general were made more aware about it and that the prices for private tx were not so expensive.

Take care girls and will be thinking about you when I am rushing about in the morning

lve
susie


----------



## SUSZY

I have just seen that a new thread has been created for anyone with kids over the age of 10 - just wanted to let you know in case you had not seen it.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=91948.new#new


----------



## Mrs Chaos

hi
Suszy thanks for your reply.
I was having a bit of a meltdown, and hope my post didn't offend anyone.
I'm thrilled when one of us on our 2ndry thread gets a bfp, that goes without saying, yet I feel that like Sam as our children are getting to the independent stage in their lives, that we're being left further behind...if that makes sense? 
Whilst our "little ones" still need help with cleaning their teeth, cutting up their food, and generally "needing" us, we're insulated from the inevitable wrench that comes when they do grow up, do "need us" less and less 
There are of course tremendous pluses that come with having an older child, and my son is the most wonderful young man, whose sense of humour and sharp wit has me pmsl at times, and we have a great relationship. It's just that at times when he is out, especially sleep overs at his mates, or away for the weekend with cadets, I just feel so miserable sometimes, and empty.
I think, as everyone one of us would agree, it is this yearning to do it all again, and the fact that our hearts have much more love to give to another child, which makes this all so hard.
Hope everyone else is ok
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


----------



## SUSZY

Dear Mrs Chaos
Just had a thought and that is even if we had 1 or 5 kids we are probably going to feel that empty nest syndrome its just made harder because we want another and its not happending. I know that at nearly 43 my mum and step father would rather spend time with our little three than anyone else (I know we lost my brother) but I think Mums are always like that.
I have found it hard adjusting to school and yet have plenty to keep me busy and going to the gym has helped and setting ourselves little projects (not that I am good at them) like clearing the clutter/doing a bit of gardening/doing the photo albums/catching up with correspondance.  The silly thing is there are millions of women across the country longing for a break from the mundane of nappies etc.  I went on an inspirational course recently and there were a few women late 40 mid 50s/60s and they all had the one thing in common, they had given up work, children had left home/gone to school and I think although its hard we have to make that life for us again.  I know this does not take away the pain of wanting another and the insensitive other people but we have each other here on the website.
anyway I am rambling and sometimes don't practise what I preach.
stayed in this am as lady from clinic supposed to be calling me back so have got side tracked into other little jobs but have cleaned my car and feel great about that and just about to do the campervan and then hopefully hit the gym, do a bit of food shopping, grab a coffee with someone who is picking my little one up - not a bad life really I suppose!
I will try and do chat tomorrow am.
Take care all of you and speak later.
love
susie


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Hi Suszy
I agree this empty nest syndrome affects most if not all women at some time or other, my mum was heartbroken when my youngest brother (I am the 2nd eldest with 3 brothers) left home and went to live abroad. He's her "baby" and she doesn't love him more than me and my other 2 brothers, it was just the last one flying the nest.
She helped me to raise my ds when I left his father, my ds was a toddler, and she thrived on "feeling useful" again. She and Dad now have my niece once a week and again she thrives on fussing over and "raising" a 2 year old.
I know what you mean about keeping busy.
I'm studying for my degree with the OU, do community youth work (am child protection officer), work with a resident panel, and my dh and I run a local residents' group which involves meeting local people, and producing newsletters etc, as well as running a home, helping out on FF, and being a wife to a (walking) disabled dh, a mum and having 4 dogs and 2 cats, yet still I feel rather "surplus to requirements" when my dh is away for the weekend 
At least here we have a place where we can have the rant and waffle together, with like-minded people 
Hope to see you in chat soon 
take care
G
XX


----------



## SUSZY

Dear G
I realised afterwards how lucky I am not to have to work (although think dh would be delighted if I returned to work) and have time to sort stuff out as I am currently doing (in fact putting all the babystuff out of site in the eves of our little annex and wrapping it all in case of mice etc) and feel really good for doing it.  If my ED does not work then I am going to give it all to my cousin.  Yes you sound incredibly busy but make sure you have some "me" time too.  Not sure what the answer is but am sure it lies within as they say!!!!!.
Well going to go back to my jobs and hopefully catch up with you tomorrow in the garden!
Take care
Susie


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Jenny
take care hun, and hope to have you back with us soon
Lotsa love
G
XX


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## cinders35

Aaahhh Jen,
So sorry things haven't improved. You must feel so angry, but just try and rest and concentrate on getting better. We will be sending you     even if you are not on line for a while. 
Thinking of you, 
Love Cindersxxx       

Hello to everyone else. Hope you are all ok out there in big bad world! Am edgy on first 2ww after my ivf bfn, this gets no easier does it?! Hormones are probably up the spout anyway! 
            
           
There.... that should do it!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## missyb

hello ladies! hope you get better soon jen. Thank you pand for your message regading my dodgy smear (ewww tmi) i feel much more positive. i had a pants day at work yesterday and this site is the only reason i havent started licking my elbows!! my af is due today and im soooooo hoping for a bfp althogh the negative side of me feels that it wont happen.

hi suzy, cinders, emily caitlin and all the other ladies that make this site such a sanity saver!!


amanda xx


----------



## TC2

Hiya all

Just a quickie cos i am at work - just cant seem to get on the comp in the evenings now... roll on 12 weeks!

Gayn - Your post really said alot of what ive discussed with others... It does not seem right to me that i have been successful when there are those who have not, and i really struggled with the whole idea of wanting a second so desperately when we began our IUIs last year, i kind of felt i didnt belong there (at the clinic). When we were told (before DS) that we wouldnt conceive without treatment i was upset but just accepted we would need treatment, we didnt have the money then to start and had only been married a year so decided to wait and 'bobs your uncle' (as my gran would say!) i got preggers... i always felt i would be happy that i just had him and was taken aback by my yearning for another... there is no logical reason behind how we feel, its just nature and hormones affecting us. I felt and still do , so greedy that i should dare to want another when so many dont know having one, but i just did and theres no point denying it. The counselling i had prior to the ICSI helped me to come to terms with my guilt feelings and just admit them - but also give myself the right to feel however i do! I made good use of my counselling as it was the only thing that was free!!!!
So words of wisdomn from me ' accept how you feel - its ok - even if you dont like it you cant help it!¬'

Anyway that was a ramble -sorry...

Jen -Hope you are feeling better soon....

Cinders - an  dance for you....

[fly]        [/fly]

Amanda - can you really lick your elbows?? have just tried...cant reach LOL 

Susie - Hope you got your jobs done... i work full time but i think i would be busier if i were at home, if you are a busy type of person you just fill your life.

Jo =- Where are you? Hope you are ok

Hi to everyone else  Hope you are all having a good day....

Teena x


----------



## cinders35

Back again, my names Cinders and I'm a fertlility friendoholic and all that! 
Just wanted to say thanks for the dance Teena, like it lots!! 
Hey Missy b, 
           
Hope the wicked witch stays away for you, and we have a run of bfp's!! Wouldn't that be great!!

With regards to the guilt thing, feel guilty to probably 90% of fertility friends, and wonder if sometimes my posts (on other threads) might be not all together welcome as I have already been blessed with dd, naturally too! I'm probably being oversensitive, but then we are pretty much all oversensitive on this site or we wouldn't be here!
I feel guilty towards dd, as though she is not enough. The desire, and there is no other word for me, desire for another baby is just there. It's instinct to reproduce I think, so we shouldn't beat ourselves up over wanting another baby, it's natural! 
Think this site has been a bit like counselling for me, but may consider the "free" counselling offered by my clinic prior to the next cycle.
What's with the elbow licking?! Didn't think this was THAT sort of site!!!   You bunch of pervs!!!!
Jen-  
Love Cindersxxx I can have a baby, I will have a baby.


----------



## missyb

hi cinders your msg made me lmao!! elbow licking or window licking is the step prior to getting a coat that does up at the back!!! TC2 apparently it's impossible to lick your elbows. i remember trying that on a date in the pub when i was a singleton... needless to say he didnt want to see me again (i cant think why) like you cinders im an addict to the site. i think it's coz i dont feel bad that my feelings are always that nice towards those who can get pg at the drop of a hat... or those who think im too old or should be greatful for what i have!! yadda yadda... hope the wicked witch stays away for me too... my boobs are big, sore and a bit veiny but thats probably how they are normally !! oooo i sound soo attractive with my veiny boobs!!! anyway, hope you guys are all well...

Byeee 

amanda xx


----------



## cinders35

Hey missyb,
What kinda dates did you go on!!!
You surely sound like one sexy lady!!! Veiny boobies and all that! Could be positive sign?!
2ww's do my head in! Suppose after over 3yrs its understandable, but wish I could switch my brain off and stop knicker checking!!!
Anyway, the ironing won't do itself!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## missyb

hey cinders! i could tell you some real horror stories about my dates... remind me to tell you about the incontinent alcoholic! as for my 'lovelies' i'm not sure if it's a sign or not. i know this sounds like a really stupid question but what is a 2ww? i know what it stands for but dont exactly know what it means.. all i do know is that you are waiting for your af (is that right?) it must be awful constantly checking and hoping that the wicked witch doesnt come... i'm confused with my cycle... i have been averaging about 24 days but i  dont know if im late or not as some months its 25 or 26.. anyway, if it's 24 im a day late and if it's 26 im getting excited for nothing... let me know how you get on.. will keep all crossed for you 

amanda xx


----------



## clairead

Hello,

I am relatively new to FF and posted previously on Clomid board. Only just found this section and feel much more comfortable here!  I felt very guilty all the time as I thankfully already have a wonderful DS and most of the girls posting were hoping to be first-time mums.

Looking at it now, I don't know now how I conceived?!  Have had irregular periods all my life and know I rarely ovulate.  At the time, we had actually relaxed about the baby thing as we had all the tests done, which at the time were okay and I was waiting for the follow-up consult appt some months later and started a new job, which I think took my mind of things too.  Perhaps that's what it was?  I didn't even do a HPT until I suddenly realised how ill I felt, which co-incided with another long AF cycle (50+ days).  It was a HPT or the doctor! I wish I had been more aware as I can't remember how my body was during the 2ww or just after!  We were just in shock at the time after trying for so long.

Although my AF didn't regulate after having DS, I still thought 'done it once, do it again' and after ttc for the past 15 months, we are back in the same position as before.  Had to have all the tests done again but went private through work healthcare (which cover investigations) this time.  Managed to speed up the process by 10 months and find that I have mild PCOS, which I suspected and after taking Clomid for first time,I am now about 3dpo (thankfully the 100mg they started me on has worked), although I appear to still have long cycles.  I didn't ov until around cd20/21. 

I think I feel more frustrated ttc this time around because I know that something must work for DS to have come along!  Most of my friends with kids are all on number 2 or 3, of course, without any effort!  I keep reminding myself that I am lucky anyway and that there are lots of benefits to having only one child but....I am from a big family and love having siblings to share things with.  Although I feel such an overwhelming desire to be a mum again, I don't know how far I will go on this journey as I don't know if IVF is for me.  I am stressed enough already on the Clomid!!!  

I think this site is great for being able to share feelings with like-minded people. I have a feeling that we won't get lucky this month as I think there is just too much pressure first go on the drugs!  I had the follicle tracking scans to check I had ov'd which were helpful (and expensive - the insurance didn't cover that!) but I keep worrying that I still haven't done enough and obviously, just because you ov, doesn't mean you will get pg.  I think my DH also feels totally under pressure to 'perform'!

Well, sorry for the long ramble. Hope to get to know some of you better and I hope everyone gets their long-awaited BFP very soon.
Clairex


----------



## missyb

hi claire Im amanda. as there are a few of us on here i'm missyb. welcome to this bit. the girls on here are fab and i think i've found where i fit in. Unfortunatley i havent really started my journey yet with tx as im waiting to see to have a colposcopy (long story so i wont bore you with it!) i can understand how you must be feeling.  good luck with your journey and hope to hear from you again.

amanda xx


----------



## cinders35

Welcome Claire! 
That was a mammouth post, fair play to you! I'm sure you will be happy here. Hope you aren't suffering too badly with the drugs, I understand clomid can be a bit of a rollercoaster! But best of luck! And congrats on making ds!! It's sooo frustrating when you know your body has done it before isn't it?! Will keep my fingers crossed for you.Cxxx 

Missyb, 
Incontinent alcoholic?! Wish you were closer, could do with a laugh and a bottle of wine! Feeling pants, as have had slight spotting, it never fails, I can't even make it to af day ever! Always start with this naff spotting. 
Nothing clever about 2ww, its just as you say, 2 weeks waiting after ovulation to see if you get a bfp/bfn.
So frustrated with our "unexplained" label. Convinced there is something, just don't think they have looked hard enough. 

Hi to everyone else, where are you all? Useless at loads of personals, but thinking about you.   

Have had rubbish time with dd for couple of weeks, because we have been ill. Then yesterday just had to clean house, it was desperate and kept palming her off with cbeebies! So, once shopping has been delivered tommorrow, and put away, 10-11am, we are going out to have fun, pure fun! Going to try and have a good time, just us girls!
Just hope I can stop myself from feeling so sad that she is still without sibling. Just realised, thats it for 2007 now, no babies in 2007 for me. 
I really hope you don't mind my posts too much, just skip past them! I know they are very me me me... But this is the only place I can do this. So sorry guys.
Still keeping my fingers crossed for a bfp for you though missyb!
       
      
Love Cindersxxx
p.s Hope you doing ok Jenxx


----------



## hollie22

Hi Everyone! Can I join you?? I have been hovering for a few weeks and after reading your thoughts about this ttc malarky I really feel this is the place for me. I have a dd aged 4, conceived naturally and after 2 and a half years of trying for a second we have hit a brick wall. If I hear another person tell me 'well, at least you have got one' I will SCREAM! We are due for our first IVF appt at the beg of May. Cant believe it has come to this though. I feel I have really failed-myself, my dh and worst of all my daughter- the pain and guilt is so raw. I hope you can relate to this? 
I am looking forward to getting to know you all- you seem such strong women.
Take care x


----------



## emilycaitlin

Of course you can join us hollie!! Welcome to clairead too!!!

We are getting quite a crowd of us here!!!!


----------



## missyb

hi hollie!! welcome to the site! first of all you have come to the right place. secondly you have let noone down at all. your msg made me want to cry as each month im saying to my dp when my af comes that im sorry for letting him down... even though i know that we are BOTH trying but for some reason i feel responsible. anyway, i just wanted to welcome you to this bit..we are the A-team lol! the girls here are fab....

hi cinders!! where are you then?? im so sorry you're in need of a bottle of wine and a cheering up... you know where i am if you need 2 sound off or if you want you can pm me and i'll give you my mobi..i'm not a psycho nutter or axe wealding nut job... my shrink says ive outgrown that phase (im only kidding)thanks for explaining the 2ww thing.. sometimes you need to get all your feelings down... it stops you going mad.. so never apologise for just getting it down.. we all have our good days and bad days and there is always one of us feeling more positive... im sorry about the spotting.. you must feel pants... i am still waiting but i feel periody.. back ache etc so i know its coming (poxy af) also one of my bestest friends came over who is 7 mths pg so i feel even more inadequate!!!

anyway,

mwah big hugs

amanda xx


----------



## sarylou

Hi ladies.

Still havent had my scan results so it looks like i will get them in june when i have next appointment. 
We _still _havent used the clomid and that is really starting to upset me. 
I mentioned to dp earlier and he said not yet as he feels we are only having sex for a baby. 
I feel we are only having a baby because of me, dp says often enough he doesnt need a baby to complete our life and treats me as if I am crazy and nasty when i say i cant go through life never being pg again.

My neighbours been doing the rounds with her newborn dd. 
2 more school parents have told me this week they are pg. 1 even saying first time we had sex in 4 months and i get pg.

Ive reached a very black part in my life i feel and i need some one to share my feelings with. I dont know who to turn to. I know im young i know i have ds but i still feel so empty and bitter. 
What have i done that means i cant get pg or have a sticky bfp?

I have lots of emotions at the mo as its my step bro;s birthdays this weekend and he died last yr.

sorry for such a depressing post. 
Hello to all the new ladies. Im sorry you are all suffering too. xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi Girls!

Oh Sarylou, you sound so down.  No one on here minds you know!  We are all guilty of sounding off every now and then and today it's your turn.  Rant away and with any luck it will help a little.

Welcome to Hollie22. This thread is getting soooo busy!  I am such a nightmare.  I read through all of the posts, then forget who said what and who I want to reply to!

I know I've read lots of posts talking about other people and their "At least you've got one" comments.  It's the ultimate slap in the face for us secondary girls.  It's almost like saying "Stop being so selfish and greedy!"  It highlights all of the mixed up feelings we are already trying to deal with!  I'm sure girls who haven't even had one child could merrily punch us in the face, but the desire for children is as painful when it is denied you whether you've got one, two or a hundred children!  We are wired like this!  We are NOT selfish or greedy or ungrateful for what we've got!  If anything, we love our children so much we are desperate to give them little brothers and sisters.  What is so wrong with that?  So there!!!!!! RANT over!

Amanda - have you got a date for your colposcopy yet?  Sorry I haven't got round to replying to your PM.  I was so hoping that you were going to say that AF had stayed away, but your last post wasn't sounding too hopeful?  You HAVE to succeed, cos then I might stand a chance too!!!!

Cinders - How are you doing?  Has AF arrived?  Don't forget that sometimes AF symptoms can happen even if you are preggers.


As for me, a quick update.  My AF arrived on Saturday (no surprises).  But for the first time, I haven't cried one tear!  I have accepted that all the time I have this cyst in my tube it ain't going to happen!  I have appointment with my cons next Friday (27th April) and I am going to beg and plead with him to remove it.  If he agrees I will go  on the waiting list for an op (hopefully only 3months).  So the earliest I am likely to get preggers is July or August.  It's just such a bl**dy long time away!  Still I've waited this long, I can wait a bit longer.  In the meantime, I'm still taking the clomid (although it seems utterly pointless!) and it is making me totally shattered!  Am dreading ovulation as last month it was agony!

Anyway, Hi to everyone else who I haven't mentioned and to those girls I haven't spoken to in a while (Lainey, Gabrielle).....

Speak soon#

Love and stuff

Amanda


----------



## cinders35

Hey guys, 

Just a quicky, got to type fast as am terrible mother,have let dd get square eyes while watching peppa pig so I can type this!! What do you mean my priorities are wrong?! 

Firstly welcome to Hollie, glad you made the plunge and joined us after lurking a while. Took me ages to start posting, now I can't stop! We seem to be in similar positions, I'm sure we will be some support to each other. 

Sarylou,    so sorry you feel you are in such a dark place just now. I totally understand. Pour out some more on here, we will listen. You are NOT crazy woman! If you are, what does that make the rest of us?!  I'm sorry dp hasn't quite grasped the importance of having another baby, that you feel. Typical blokes eh?! Suppose they have feelings too though. Maybe make him feel bit special, and make sure you have bedroom action when he knows it is not "right time"? Then you might have more of a chance getting lucky at right time?! I am guilty of forgetting about "us" as a couple, and it is so important, as it is with our love that we share that we want to make a baby. It just gets so technical we forget to nurture our oh so important relationship. Not sure I should be quite this personal with you?! Ohh it's all personal anyway!!! No offense intended anyway!
Sorry to hear of your loss, this clearly is highly emotional time for you. 

Hi Pand, you sound so strong at mo. I will take inspiration from you!!

Misyb, not got time to pm you, but am tempted. It's just so celebrity to have a stalker, you could be mine!!!!

Jen, sending you get well wishes hun   

Some of the posts around at the mo seem as though someone has been reading my mind, feelings of frustration, bitterness, failure, why me? Wouldn't wish secondary infertilty on anyone, but I feel comfort knowing you guys are with me. If that makes sense?!
Hoping we ALL find a way, and get out much longed for 
Had sob to dp last night, I said to him "where is our baby? where? Why won't it come?"
I so wish I knew how my story ends... or maybe I don't...
Go away you guys this was supposed to be quicky...peppa pig well over!!!
Love Cindersxxxx

Hi to all you awol membersxxx


----------



## missyb

morning ladies!!!

sarylou im so sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. the urge to have children is so strong and so when your dps feelings arent in sync with yours it's so tough. my dp wants a baby but we both find bms at the right time soooooo pressurised. ( i guess i didnt help telling him to download barry white and be naked by the time i get home lol!) it's just difficult when it's something you want so badly not to put the pressure on. you arent mad or evil or anything near it.. you want to have a baby, it's a desire we are supposed to have!! im sorry too about your step brother. i just dont know what to say other than what the others have said in that you need to just get it all out as and when you need.

Cinders! still no af but still feeling achey etc... think my body is just having a larf at my expense! i could be ur stalker just bear in mind i have no sense of direction!! hope all is going ok and so soz that you have been a bit down. our time will come but i so understand the 'why me?' every month i ask my dp when are we going to get our baby so im sooo glad that its not just me!

Pand! hi hun! hope all goes well with your cons nxt fri.. dont forget if he agree to remove the cyst that you could also ask if you could go on the cancellation list. i havent got a date for my colposcopy yet but i did some research and you can have one even if you are pg they wont do any treatment till after if needed so i feel a bit happier. im sorry the wicked witch arrived on sat but i'm soooo glad that you arejust so positive and philosophical at the mo.

hi to all the other ladies suzy, emily-caitlin, jen , etc.

lots of love


amanda xx


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Well, it's been busy on here.  All these new people, I can't keep up.  It takes me so long to read all the messages I don't have time to type anything myself!!

Welcome to Clairead and hollie22.  I already know you hollie22 as we pm eachother.  Hope you are okay as I haven't heard from you recently.  Clairead - I totally understand the frustration of friends being on no 2 or 3, it is torturous isn't it.  Bl88dy fertile people, they make you sick 

Suszy - I can't believe the friend of yours who sent a card with "that's our three complete" on it.  I would have had to go round her house and ram the card up her a*s*.  How smug and insensitive.  Does she know about your situation?

Missyb and Cinders35 - you should be a double act, you have really been making me laugh (something I don't seem to do much of anymore!).  Very entertaining, keep it up (no pressure).

Pand - sorry to hear the clomid didn't work.  I only did one month of it and I have given up.  I didn't like the side effects and, as I am already ovulating, didn't see the point.  I will let nature takes its course for now until I have my next appointment.

Kelway - where are you?  we miss you.

Sarylou - so sorry you are feeling down at the moment, we have all been there.  That is the great thing about this place - we all understand EXACTLY what you are saying.  It is so unfair and there are pregnant women EVERYWHERE.  I am sure it is a conspiracy!

As for me, I went to see a tarot card reader last night and she said that I am going to have another girl but it will take time and I will get despondent along the way.  Mind you, she also said I was going to marry Cliff Richard and live in Beijing with him and a goat called Barry    Only kidding, I think I am losing the plot big time.

Anyway, better go as I am sending this sneakily at work and am holding up a meeting to do it.  Some things are just more important......

Speak soon

Lainey x


----------



## missyb

hi lainey your post made me larf!! how are you doing hun apart from losing the plot?? lol. cliff richard and barry the goat it conjoured (not sure if thats the correct spelling) of you sir cliff and the goat doing a 4 page spread in hello! which did tickle me. i think i have too much of an active imagination... what did you think of the person doing the reading? was he or she accurate about other areas of your life? i'm glad that me and cinders have been making you larf.. i'm not particularly good with the advice stuff but i do have a wicked soh (you need it if ur a nurse!). 

anyway, its fab to hear from you.


amanda xx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hello missyb - I am glad I made you laugh, I am good for something at least!!!  I don't really know if the tarot reader was any good, I think I need to listen to the tape again to see.  I tried not to give too much away.  She said I had one child so that was right, a lot of other stuff is open to interpretation I suppose.  I am clinging to the belief that she is right cos I would settle for another one 

Jenny - I hope you get your infection sorted soon.  There is nothing worse than feeling poorly is there?  I am sending    your way.

I found out today that the guy who sits next to me at work who has two kids had loads of trouble having them.  It took four years to conceive the first and three years to conceive the second.  I had been secretly envying him, thinking that him and his wife had just popped a couple out and it made me feel much better to know it took them ages, is that evil of me?  It gives us all hope    It also made me realise that you never know whether people have found it easy or not, unless they tell you and most people probably wouldn't tell you.

Hope to hear from you all soon.  I am off now to decide what outfits to wear for my hello photo shoot.  Perhaps I could get Barry a little sparkly bell for the occasion.

Lainey x


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## SUSZY

Hi girls and welcome to claired and hollie22
sorry not been on here for a few days but seems everyone has been posting lots which is good
as its late just wanted to say a quick I and that as you know we all go through the same emotions and its so brill that emily caitlin set this up so we can write down these feelings - we really need to as most others don't understand what we are going through.
sarylou - please hang in there girl and keep posting that is what we are here for and we have all been through it at different times.  i was so black in nov/dec and jan and do feel better now.
Lainey - it was a blanket email with a photo but it just shows how inconsiderate people are.  i had an angel reading in nov and they told me I would have a daughter but to be patient so it can be very comforting but I am not sure how many years being patient means!!!
jen hope you get better soon
missby - i am the same as you re my cycle sometimes its been as short as 24 and others as long as 31 so it really does your head in I would tend not to think I ws pg now until day 32 and I also remember from the past feeling it almost straightway - its just such a terrible and long journey and was lonely before I met you lot.
cinders hope you are ok- know what you mean about having a little cry and asking where our baby is - it not being bothering me for a while but two mums have quite newborns and they keep just carrying them in and I just want one.  also agree most of the things you read on this thread we have all experienced and could have written ourselves and it proves it as so many new ones keep coming.  it made me sad to read that neither you nor me or most of the girls on here will be having one in 07 so that is another new years hope that has not been materialised  (I also always start m af with tiny spotting just when I am getting hopeful)
kelway - where are you sweetheart we miss you
kelway where are you
pand - hope you get that op and get things sorted and we must sort out meeting up soon

anyway not sure which one of you likened us to the a team but thats us
anyway take care girls, we are away in the van this weekend although may take the lap top and see if it works
thinking of you all
off to liverpool tomorrow to get a nother passport for ds
also trying to speak to my clinic to get a referral
take care
love susie


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## Guest

hello everyone.

sorry ive been awol, this thread went a bit quiet for a while then i spose i just forgot to check    

i dont spose it would be possible to have a list with what everyone is up to on it is there? (for all the hopeless people aka me)    

looks like ive got alot of catching up to do, i will read thru the posts properly when i have time and do personals, in the meantime i will just send everyone big hugs           and loadsa love          

oh and cinders, bloody hell girl we are on too many threads together       

take care everyone, love maz xxx


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## cinders35

Hey ladies,
How y'all doing? Busy chit chat on here!
Good to see you Lainey, so lets here more about these Cliff Richard/goat fantasies then....you dirty girl!!! 
Missyb, can't believe you a nurse. Snap!
Good to see ya back Jen,
Have collected my new glasses today, they are trendy looking ones, but don't look so great on me! Think I should have brought someone with me when I chose them! Ooops! Also is new prescription and am feeling bit giddy with them. Better put lenses in before collect dd from nursesry, or they might think I'm drunk if I'm swaying all over the place! 
Gotta go as got to search net for bday presi for my dad, always a nightmare!
Love Cindersxxx 
p.s hey Maz!!


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## missyb

afternoon all!!! how are we doing? im ok though still no af... i've never been this late b4 it is always 24 or 25 days. i did a test today and got a bfn.. what the hell does that mean? arrrrgggh. 

jen glad you are feeling a bit better today!

suzy it was me that said the a-team thing! we are! 

cinders are you in hiding hun lol! ur stalker is missing you!

lainey dont put yourself down... you are good for lots of things and it's a gift to make people larf (so there you have been told lol!)

hi to everyone else. hope you're all ok.


amanda xx


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## cinders35

snap! posted together!!
Cindersxx 

p.s Pants about bfn, just have to wait bit longer. Test again in a few days if no af?


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## missyb

lmao!! cinders i must have been typing the same time as you because ur post wasnt there when i started!! tee hee hun. i cant believe you are a nurse too... do u think we were separated at birth?? lol how are you getting on with the new specs? i had my hair cut today as i needed a change and im soooo ****** off... long story... like i said my af isnt here too and im trying so hard not to get 2 excited... its failing miserably!


amanda xx


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## cinders35

Keeping everything crossed, that wicked witch wiil stay away and will turn into lovely bfp!!!!


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## Guest

cinders your a nurse? you kept that quiet  

well im feeling triumphant, 
basically brandon wanted to buy a recorder from school so i went into the office and asked for one, she said give the money to mr R he deals with it.
brandons teacher is a miserable b****** and i didn't want him getting told off for being late so as he had a music lesson later on with mr R i told him to give him the money (£5) then.

in the meantime someone pinches it out of brandons pencil tin during a lesson, brandon tells his teacher mr S, but he does nothing and carries on as normal.

brandon comes out of school upset that he 'lost' the money so i went to the teacher, mr S said it was brandons fault for having the money in the classroom. he was no help.
so i went to the office and told them what happened and they said they would talk to mr S.

again nothing happened so i went into the school today and shouted at the receptionist. i also told her that they are sending the message to the kids that its ok to steal as long as you dont get caught, i said very loudly to brandon, 'steal anything you want from school, i wont tell you off just dont get caught!!!'

then i stormed out!

well they just rang me and have said they will give brandon a free recorder  

what really annoyed me is brandon told mr S that the money was missing and he did nothing! a decent teacher would tell the kids that no one leaves til the money is found and made the kids search the room.

grrrrrr i hate his teacher     

wow sorry long post  

missyb, i really hope you get your bfp hun   

hugs, maz xxxx


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## lainey-lou

Hi y'all.

Missyb -         I hope the news is good.  We could do with a   on here.  I have everything crossed for you and so has Cliff.  If you get a bfp I will send him round to yours to sing "congratulations"  

Maz - hello we haven't spoken before.  Well done on the recorder, teachers are useless aren't they.  What sort of lesson is that teaching the kids?  Silly a*s*!  Re: update - I am waiting for an appointment for further things.  I have FSH of 15 and have had a clear HSG and scan.  I am apparently ovulating so gave up with the clomid I was prescribed, I don't really think there is any point.  Nothing else to report really.  My appointment is 7 June and an expecting to try IUI and then maybe natural IVF.

Hi Cinders - gutted that you lost the pm you were sending me - when you next get a chance send me another, your messages always cheer me up.

Jen - really glad you are feeling better, fingers crossed for that appointment.

Hi to everyone else.

Lainey x


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## kelway

hello everyone, sorry to be so unsociable, just throwing myself into market stuff and trying not to focus (that's a laugh) so much on my lack of fertility. i have my fertility hospital appointment in a couple of weeks so trying to chill out and not think about it. hope you are all ok? joxx


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## lainey-lou

Hi Jo - good to hear from you, glad to hear you are okay.  Good luck with the appointment, keep us posted on how you get on cos, as you know, we are all nosey!

Lainey x


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## missyb

hi again... i have decided im addicted to posting on here and need help!! cinders i will give it a few more days and try again! i so hope it's a bfp... i have so much going on at home with ex husband (my tourettes syndrome may become active at any given moment!) that me and dp could do with some good news! thanx for all of the encouragement!

lainey!!! lmao +++ u made me larf which then started my eyes running so i now look like alice cooper!! 

hi kelway! i hope your appt goes well, stay in touch hun xx

hi maz! good on you! poxy school teachers! xx

anyway, im off to stick pins in ex's dolly and maybe rip its head off!


amanda xx


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## TC2

You lot are a scream..... not been on since wednesday - cos of exhaustion! and so much to catch up on.  Hi to Claired and Hollie, welcome and i hope you find you fit in here....I sort of dont because i am living my dream and got my BFP but am a 'hanger on' just cos i can....LOL Anyhow am staying till you chuck me off!!

Cant remember much now bout everyones posts...

Jo - Glad youre ok, good luck with your appt.

Jen - Glad you are feeling better

Maz - well done on the school thing - doesnt make it right the way the teacher behaved but at least you made them think.

Well we had our scan yesterday and saw our two little bubbas, growing nicely and have now graduated to 'normal' antenatal care...WOW i am going to be normal!!!  So have now told a few people, its funny cos alot of people obviously have no idea what we have been through and we are not telling people so there are obviously people who are thinking 'smug 'B***h why isnt that me?' so you never do know how many people have struggled to get their dream.... anyhow still exhausted and nauseus and fit for nothing, think i am gonna have to get a cleaner cos i am a clean freak and my house is driving me mad - not doing all my regular chores.... sad arent i.

Anyhow have a great weekend you lot,

Teena x


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## missyb

hi teena! im soooo pleased that you are doing well (even if your tired and nauseous!) keep us posted with the bubbas. 

amanda 

xx


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## cinders35

Oh god, these new glasses are very "ugly betty". Think have made big (expensive) mistake!!!
                        NOT cool!!!!!
Cindersxx


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## SUSZY

Right Girls 
There is a new rule on here - we don't have to do personals as it were (different to Pms I assume) as there are so many on here and it takes a long time - and it might put people of posting and we don't  like to leave people out also sometimes there are pages to catch up and sometimes not.  I hate it if I reply to a couple and leave someone out who might need it so stay up late going down page to  make sure I don't hence I am doing the new rule!!!!

I think if we don't mind we should just say about the last couple of posts if we want to or just general stuff like

Its lovely to see kelway back and we really need her

cannot believe so many of you on here (and other threads) are nurses and after all you do I think you should have automatic support think Cinders and Missby have got a thing going on!!!

maz great to see  you back don't worry about the personals as said above just get back into the grove. also impressed with your rantings about teachers felt the same as you a few weeks ago.

Hope Pip and you lot won't mind me saying but when was being anal the other night and had time looked back on a few oldies and Pip is actually 12 weeks pg (pip34) but did not want to post on here again as she did not want to upset anyone as a few of us were low
which brings me to another rule (hpe emily caitlin won't mind) but as we all have another one I think if any of us gets pg it would be nice to share with the others just to keep us updated.

anyway Tina its nice to know the other side as thats what we are aiming for and I do feel a little sorry for the first timers who have put all the effort into getting preg and hvae no idea about the other side if you know what I mean.  at a fifth birthday party today was just saying how much we had all aged since we had kids!!!

having said all that missby hope af stays away and we are the a team!!!

thats it girls because i am tired and don't meant to leave anyone one out - (hope you ok Pand)

love to you all 

susie


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## samblue

Hi ladies (and gents, if there are any on here!)

Hope you don't mind me popping in, I'v been mooching around several threads but not sure if i've found my niche yet!?
Had a go in the chat room last night, that was fun once i'd worked out which bit to type in , have to practice typing faster tho or can't keep up!
Was trying to find out where i can post coz i'm having a very pmt day! Only on day 18 of my cycle but feel thoroughly cheesed-off and likely to burst in2 tears any minute! Doesn't help that i've just read a really sad book . Seem to suffer pmt at different times every month, sometimes even after! Stuff these hormones  

Got cycle monitoring again on monday, yippie, then who know's? 
Jenny, I know how you feel, hav had similar conversations with DH about him finding himself another woman etc, he reacts the same as your DH! Glad to hear you hav a new lease of life today, stick with it girl!
Would be nice to pop in again, tho looks like you have to concentrate to keep up with everyone!
Hope everyone's weekend going ok, 
luv sam xxx


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## honeyprincess

Hi Girlies

Hope u r all well?

Um well i got a letter thru from the clinic saying they had to cancel or app for 22nd may..............but......
they changed it to 15th may!!! 
Getting very anxious and i just want this app over with so i can stop worrying bout wat tests i will have to have, n see how long we will have to wait for our tx 2 start.

Love Laura xx


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## Guest

just a quickie, cinders show us your glasses


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## cinders35

No chance!  Will be wearing glasses home alone and thats it!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have been to nursery fete today. The down side of secondary infertility as opposed to primary infertility is that you are thrust into this world revolving around children, where inevitably there are babies everywhere you look!
I find these occasions so difficult, when they should be fun. It is as though I may at anytime develop tourettes and start shouting out that I am   infertile, and have been ttc for   ages!
I had confessed to one of the other mums at a party about 18months ago that we were having trouble, and had only seen her in passing untill today. Clearly I am not pg, and she was sensitive enough not to ask anything and I couldn't be bothered to explain everything, but the air felt thick with questions not asked and answers not given. Does that make any sense?
Another mum/neighbour I had seen in the car park while on my ivf 2ww and had suffered one of my infertility tourettes episodes and confided all to her was there today, with her 2yr old and newborn. It was easy enough not to approach her and I didn't. I think she probably guessed my result and avoided me out of pity! That sounds harsh, I just meant she was being sensitive too!
For 18months ttc we told NOBODY. Then we chose to tell a few friends and close family what was going on.
Then after about 2 1/2years the comments at work, "about time you had another" etc etc etc...... got too much so I told them.
Now it seems I could stop someone in the street and tell them!
Today was one of those occasions when my infertilty was sooooo in my face that I felt like although I was physically there, my brain was certainly not! I was chatting with my close friend, (with 2 ivf children) and my conversation doesn't flow. I start on about something and then completely loose my train of thought and wonder why I started talking in the first place! Think this is bad!!
Think I may be getting bit loopy?!  
It's not exactly like an out of body experience, but I am certainly disconnected in some way! I know this is me me me again, perhaps I should think about a diary for this stuff, but I think it helps to write it down and work it out. I am beginning to wonder more, should I take advantage of the "free" counselling from the clinic? Not sure if I am brave enough for it!?
I really do not feel like the whole person I was before all this started.

Jen, great to see you back, and feeling so much more positive. You go girl!!    

Missyb, not sure about being seperated at birth?! Who got the brains? Who got the beauty? Judging from above post, I did not get the brains, and am looking like ugly betty so think I got bum deal   !!!!
Hoping   has stayed away and next hpt will give you a lovely bfp!!
Have had a lovely time playing with dd in the garden today, she is already developing wicked   sense of humour  !!!
Hope you are all having a great weekend,
Love Cindersxx


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Just back from a night out so am a bit merry (in the drunken sense) and melancoly. 

Cinders - totally understand everything you said.  I sometimes feel like I am not really there at these type of events, I sometimes feel like everything is really distant and sort of magnified and that everyone knows what is going on in my head ie, that I can't have a baby, which of course is stupid cos noone knows what is going on with me.

I told everyone (ie friends) that we were trying and that we had a miscarriage and now I really kick myself that I did because I hate the thought that they all pity me and  they keep asking if we have had any luck.  When friends tell me they are pregnant I feel stupid and embarrassed because they know it is something I want and am not capable of achieving, I feel such a failure.

As to other people, I just tell them I am not sure if I want any more.  I couldn't bear for any more people to know what is going on with me.  If they don't know I want one I sort of feel in control and normal.  Does that make any sense?  Or am I just a p*ss*d person rambling on?

DH and I went for a curry tonight and were sat next to heavily pregnant woman and her husband and another table full of people who were all talking about their kids. URRRGGGHHHHHHH!  Is there no escaping it?  They are everywhere.  Smug mothers, don't you just hate them?

Well, I am going to bed now.  Sorry to be all doomy and gloomy.

Night night.

Lainey x


----------



## lainey-lou

One other thing......

Who had a caesarean with there child?  I had a caesarean and know some of you did and wondered if this might be contributing to our lack of success?

Just a thought.

L


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## cinders35

Hi Lainey,
Hope you haven't got too bad a head this a.m.   Good for you anyway!!
I was comforted by your post, by the fact that you have some of the same feelings as me when you are out in the big bad world. i.e Feeling a bit vacant.
Not sure what we should try and do about it?!
I had forceps delivery with dd, did have nasty infection after and I sometimes wonder about that.
The only other thing that I know is different since concieving dd is the high prolactin levels,they are under control now but I wonder.
I am up early, dd came into our room early, but I glanced at the clock without my ugly betty glasses on and thought it was about 7.45am, but it must have been 6.45!! Sunday aswell!!!!!
Drink lots of water Lainey, take a couple of paracetamol and hide back under the duvet for a bit!!!
Love Cindersxxx


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## missyb

hi all! just a quick message as i think dp has a day of shopping and the garden cente in mind (yay life in the fast lane) i did a long day yesterday and still feel completley monged! i think there is a conspiracy at work for me not to get pg as on nearly all of my 'fertile' times (well thats a bloody joke!!) im working a long day (which is 0730 to 2030 if i get out on time!) so as you can imagine the last thin on my mind is bms (though did tell dp he cud help himself as long as he didnt wake me up!) im afraid the wicked witch af put in an appearance last nite so i'm feeling incredibly p**ed off!! i hadnt been this late before and although i tried not to get too excited, the bottom line was that i did and i really thought that i'd have some good news. i just feel like my body has this wicked soh and has decided to tease me and have a good larf at my expense.. well ha bloody ha!!! so i guess i just have to keep trying and i did think about giving alternative medicines a try and see if that help.. does anyone have any views on this as i know big fat zero about it 

hi cinders! im sure you're not ugly betty at all! anyway, me and dp love ugly betty!! you got brains and im sure beauty so no bum deal there and like me you have a good soh so you got a brucey bonus too!! 0645 on a sunday omg!! my mum has got the girls this weekend so it was really nice to wake up when i felt like it and not to the sound of high school musical on dvd! hun i also know how you feel about feelings, other people and almost functioning on auto pilot. if you need a chat you know where i am.

hi lainey! so know what you mean about pregnant people being everywhere, but i think it's like dieting (stick with me on this one i know where i'm going lol) in that food seems to be everywhere! i just think we notice things more. hope you dont feel too pants today.

hi laura good luck with your appointment!

Hi sam i hope you're feeling a bit better and that cycle monitoring goes well.

hi jen! glad you have a new lease of life... im hoping that it rubs off on me as i feel a bit negative at the moment... feel sad that as dp has no children of his own but i do, that if we needed treatment we'd have to pay and that even that might be unsucessful, and maybe he should find someone who can give him children etc... i know im a drama queen but it's hard not to think of the worst case scenario.. anyway, im waffling again...

hi suzy! yes i think that nurses should get more support, the fertility clinic is based a couple of floors up from where i work and i just want to burst in there guns blazing and tell them to get me pregnant (with DP's help of course!) or the fat consultant gets it!!! seriously though, evrything is soooo money orientated, i just feel like the knowledge and technology is there and should be used for all that need it, it shouldnt take so long, people shouldnt have to wait longer coz appointments are being cancelled, etc.. god, im sounding desperate now!

anyway, im going to go now as i have a super exciting day to fill!! 

hope you are all well and that i haven't been too miserable.


amanda xx


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## lainey-lou

Good morning everyone

My head is ok this morning (surprisingly) but wish my mood was better.

DH and I went out last night to have a good "us" chat, about the baby thing, etc, etc.  We have decided that today we are going to go and buy plants for the garden so that I have a little place to go and think about our angels, sort of like a memorial garden.  I took my second miscarriage really badly and often think about how old our little one would be now and what she would be like (I am convinced it was a girl) so having somewhere special to go and think about them/her seems right really.  Does that sound stupid??  DH is out there now dutifully clearing a spot, bless him.

Missyb - Sorry to hear AF arrived yesterday, I know it is hard not to get excited when you are late even if you really think you are not pregnant.

I think we all think at times that DH/DP would be better off with someone else but I have also had terrible thoughts the other way round, ie if I had sex with someone else I might get pregnant   Isn't that awful.  I would never actually do it but it has crossed my mind.  I am a bad person, I know.

It must be difficult doing long shifts and trying to fit in bms.  We have enought trouble with it and we both have 9-5 jobs.  Does anyone else find the whole bms thing a bit monotonous (if that's how you spell it).  I always thought sex was meant to be a pleasure, not a chore but sometimes we both look at each other as if to say "I suppose we had better get on with it!"   TMI??

Cinders - I would love to see your glasses - I bet they are gorgeous really.  I wear glasses too but hate all glasses on me, even the trendy ones.  I tend to wear contacts all the time these days.  Maybe you just need to get used to them.

Hi to everyone else.  Good to hear from Honey Princess - good luck with the appointment.

Speak soon.

Love Lainey x


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## emilycaitlin

Hi all,

I can't believe it, my first weekend off for ages, and it rains!!!!!

lainey lou - We have just had a big discussion about bms being a chore, and I can't be bothered when I'm not ovulating!!!!  You also have to try to fit it in around cbeebies!!!! 

missyb - Sorry about af 

cinders - I told people about the IF, as I couldn't stand people at work keeping gushing on about the babies we are looking after, but they still do!  I've just noticed your hcg results, did you have to have a lap and dye after that?

jenny - enjoy your sunday roast!!!

Hi to everyone else, have a good week!!


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## samblue

Hi all, 
on here while DH is tidying kitchen, result !

Lainey, don't think you're a bad person bout thinking of going with someone else, i wonder how many of us have had it cross their minds ?!  Obviously we wouldn't do anything about it, but i have heard of couples who have been ttc for years, split up and then go and have kids with new partners, it does make you wonder.  My DH means the world to me tho, so i guess if we have to face the future without our own kids, then we'll have to get thro it.  My main worry is that he'll resent me when we'r old (er) & grey (er!), as I have a DD from prev rel (who he considers as his own, but I still worry).  
Your idea of a memorial garden is beautiful and i have thought of doing something similar for my lost babies. A couple of weeks ago I had a tattoo (before my hsg, to get thro it), with a moon (to signify my DD) and leaves on a vine, one leaf for each of my babies.  So they are with me forever. It give me comfort.  It's probably a bit extreme for most people, but was right for me! 
I agree with you bout the bms , DH is usually always keen, but expects me to pay attention , shame!

Jenny, I had my gall-bladder out about 12 years ago, you can manage without it hun! Are you having key-hole or open surgery? I had key-hole and have got used to my 'dot-to-dot' tummy! Not that i get it out in public! It's relatively easy to get over if you have key-hole, you won't know anything about it! You may feel bit full of gas after coz they blow up your guts (TMI?!, sorry!) so they can see what they're doing. It passes quickly tho! One thing they don't tell you beforehand is the impact it can have on your digestive system! Not having a gall-bladder has definately affected my guts, long term, and certain foods/alcohol (boo) do affect me. I know several people who have had the op and we're not all the same, but it's something to be aware of.  Don't want to worry you tho, i remember the pain of gall-stones and wouldn't want them back! Hope I haven't freaked you out, you'll be fine, but i'm the sort of person who'd rather know the score so you know what to expect (or what may happen, you may have none of it!) Hope it goes well for you hun, feel free to pm me if you wanna chat (tho you'l prob not wanna talk to me now!) xx

In general my mood has improved abit, still feel a bit pmt-y tho, not a good sign. AND i have to go by myself again tomorow! DH can't get time off to come with me for cycle monitoring, so i have to catch big, scary train by myself! Did it last week and had a mighty adventure with delays, cancelled trains etc so i figure it's gonna be easier this week?! Fingers crossed.  I'll treat myself after by going to little patisserie (sp?) stand at the station and buying myself a pastry and fresh OJ for train journey home! I'm much more relaxed coming home, than going!

Anyway, sorry for rambling on, hope you all had a good weekend and enjoy Monday!
Take care & good luck with your week!
luv sam xxx


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## Pand

Hi everyone!

Good suggestion Suzy that we don't have to loads of personals... not because I don't want to but I am hopeless at remembering everything I want to write!

Lainey, I love your idea of a memorial garden.  We still visit the grave of the niece we lost 18 months ago and we often get my little one to release a balloon to send up to her.  Its very therapeutic and may be worth a try.

I have to admit tho girls.. what's with the teacher bashing??  I'm a primary school teacher and felt completely demoralised by some of your comments!!!!!! We're not all bad!! It's the same as any job.  The one you were talking about sounds like a lazy, uninterested git I admit and had money gone missing in my class all hell would have broken loose!!!!  I work really hard and give everything I have to the children I teach.  I worked for 8 and a half years in the police, including three and a half years as a child protection officer, and I can tell you now, teaching is the hardest I have ever had to work for my money!!! You have absolutely no idea how much work is involved in just planning and preparing one lesson! I care very much about the children in my class so I was gutted to hear you have such a low opinion of my profession!!!!!  Anyway, rant over!!!  Hope you're all feeling suitably guilty!!! You ratbags!

As for nurses, I have the utmost respect for them too.  They looked after me so well last year when I was in hospital and they also work far too hard for their money.  The public services rely very heavily on our goodwill and nurses are not exception!  You also have to put up with a lot of rubbish from members of the public.  So don't lose heart and know that you are hugely respected girls!

Anyway, now for what I came on to write about in the first place!  I have spent this weekend reading The Stork Club by Imogen Edwards-Jones (she wrote Hotel Babylon).  It is her story of her battle (mostly with IVF) to become pregnant and give birth to her very longed for baby.  I would strongly recommend it to anyone on here.  She went through so much but got there in the end.  It is a very poignant but funny read and only takes a couple of days to read.  I could relate to so much of what she said.

Got my appointment with the cons on Friday and I am going to beg him to operate and take out my bad tube so wish me luck.  Cinders - any sign of that AF yet... god I hope not!  It would be so lovely to have another BFP on here.

Teena, it was so lovely to hear from you.  Please keep posting.  It gives us hopeless cases that ***** of light that we so desperately need to cling to!  We are never going to kick you off!

Anyway, I will come back and post soon when I've finished sulking about your teacher comments!

Take care all and love to everyone.

Amanda


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone, just a quick post, I promise 

Pand - I am sorry you feel we were all having a go at teachers.  I feel very ashamed now.  Bad Lainey  

Thanks for the book tip.  I read an article in Marie Claire a few months ago about her struggle to have a baby so I would love to hear the full story - I am going to go on Amazon now and get it.  Good luck with the appointment. 

Sam - I think your tattoo sounds amazing, what a lovely idea.  I am afraid I have a needle phobia so it is not a good option for me cos I would spend most of the time during the procedure unconscious  

See, told you it would be a quick post.

Love to everyone.

Lainey x


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## samblue

Just a quickie!
Pand - I work as a special needs teaching assistant in a secondary school, used to want to be a teacher, have done this job for 5 years and have changed my mind!!! Teachers are amazing! I think you're all barking for doing the job, don't get anywhere near the recognition you deserve and until people actually see what teachers (and other's who work with children/young people) have to put up with, they don't have clue! There are rubbish teachers out there, shame, but the majority that i've met are dedicated to the job, it's just the bl**dy politics that gets them down!  I love my job, love working with kids, but when i finish at 3.15 I'm done for the day (mostly), I know teachers who are still there at 5pm and then go home & do some more! It's funny tho, the amount of people, when i tell them what i do (work with physically disabled and behavioural students), say 'I couldn't do your job', and I think you probably do have to be a certain sort of person  !!

Lainey - ideal candidate for tattoo! If you're unconscious you won't feel the pain !

Night all, I'm off to sort out my bits ready for hosp tom
luv sam xxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
This will be just a quick one and then I will catch up in the next day or so.
Firstly wanted to Say HI to Sam and welcome - think you have found your new home and we look forward to getting to know you better.  Pand - I am so sorry about the comments re teachers - I know its a hard job and I can imagine the hours and effort etc so sorry if I upset you with my comments.  I think its hard as my ds has just started school and I was just worried about this reading and the attention he was getting compared to some of the others but last week he had his book changed twice which is a great compared to the normal  I still think having 30 in a class is hard.  Anyway sorry if I upset you and thanks for letting us know that.  I agree with Sam about nurses working so hard too.  Think there are so many professions that are hard work and most people don;t realise the effort that goes in. (thanks about the tip on the book)
Sorry Missby that AF arrived and  they are working you such long shifts.
Honeyprincess - good to hear from you and good luck with your appointment try not to get too nervous.
I think your idea of a memorial garden Lainey is wonderful and will be good for you - good luck with creating it.
Sam not sure I could have a tattoo not very good with pain!
Think we all agree about BMS - the whole right time etc is terrible esp when it does not work, and I often cannot  be bothered and its very hard to motivate oneself which is not good really.
Those kittens sound lovely Jen - bet you are excited about having one and well done you for having a positive phase, sometimes you need a big bust up/explosion to get all the emotions out and in the air and then get back to business as it were so good luck with all that.

Cinders I thought your description of telling people so apt, I was exactly the same as you and had a phase of telling anyone who would listen if they made a comment about having another and in fact told too many people and then got upset when people were talking about it when I was not there and this did not help when I had my really down phase as they were all talking together (even to people I had not told) and were not necessarily talking to me and at the school gate which I did not like very much despite being my own fault.  I would tell a couple and not expect them then to go off and talk about it but suppose its human nature.
anyway this time have decided to play it very close to my chest (although I did tell several people we might go for ED back in NOv said I was thinking about it) and now a couple fo people have asked me what I am doing and I just say I have still not decided and also explained that I am not discussing every detail with people this time. Having said that I have chosen a couple of close friends who don't live near me so that I have someone to talk about it with (other than on here) if I want to.
I think joining FF has made all the difference as I can talk about it until the cows come home and at whatever time of day or night whereas before I could not and also we all understand each other which is even better and we have all been through it all.
anyway girls as you can see its late again, its becoming a bit of a pattern being away for the weekend or out for the night being on here late then going to bed late and its a vicious circle. 
I am sorry it rained on your weekend off emily cailtin.
Love to the rest of you and sorry if missed anyone out.
Thinking of you all and hope kelway back soon and that Teena you are doing ok too.
anyway take care all of you and catch up soon.
love
susie


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## missyb

hello all!! hope all going well. 

just a quickie ( i promise this time as i said that last time and then nearly a page later i finished!)

pand hi hun hope i didnt offend you with any of my comments.. that would be the last thing i'd want to do. i know you work v hard and have a difficult job to do.   bad missyb 

jenny hi ya good luck for next tue.. glad your bloods were ok and that you've got the go ahead. will be thinking of you.

hi lainey your memorial garden sounds like a wonderful idea and all the best with creating it.

hi cinders, sam, suzy, emily-caitlin and anyone else ive missed out.

still no news on my colposcopy date and awful af (tmi) not sure when my good time is now as my cycle all over the place so told poor dp that he will be tied to the bed every other night till i work it out!!  tee hee.

amanda xx


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## samblue

Hi all, 
typed nice long message earlier but comp went wonky and lost it  so this may be shorter!

Susie, thanks for welcome, glad to be here (if you know what i mean!)!

Jenny, have pm'd you back, hopefully - not to good at this yet! Hope you're feeling a bit better now hun, once you've got rid of that nasty ol' gall bladder, you'll be laughing !

As far as telling people are concerned, we haven't told our family that we'r having investigations, only work peeps.  I feel enough of a failure as it is, without having to deal with questions etc from MIL etc! Girls at work have been fantastic, really supportive, without being intrusive. One of my gals has made my laugh til i had tears running down my face (she should be available on prescription!), particularly when discussing DH SA  Why should he have all the fun after all!  (she's even offered me her eggs, but I've seen her kids , only joking!) I think its nice to be able to have some people to talk to, and trust, it helps to have another perspective, and when you're feeling like it's the end of the world, a good laugh makes a difference!

Cycle monitoring went ok, i made it quite sucessfully on big, scary train, all by myself! (and went into work for the afternoon, aren't i good! touch & go tho!) Had swabs done (nice! TMI?!), what do they look for? Think she told me, but 'Comfortably Numb' as usual & don't listen   Scan showed prob ovulated last weds or thurs, so hopefully some of that bms may have paid off (TMI again??!!!). Had blood taken too (nasty, big red bruise/lump on my arm , viscious doc took blood with a spoon i think!) (sorry Lainey ), told her i have dodgy veins, didn't take any notice tho! They are checking progesterone - something to do with maturity of eggs?? Was it?! Wasn't listening again! 
Gotta call on weds to see if ok or go again (NO!!) and then have appointment at RMC on 8th May for results, scary! We hopefully know then if there's anything they can do for us, everything crossed    

Gotta few hours off before youth club, so I'm gonna have a cup of tea and a crumpet! Wahoo, i like to live dangerously!!
Hope you're all well, 
luv sam xxx


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## Guest

wow, ive stuggled to read thru all these posts  

i must apologise to pand, i really am sorry that you took offence to my post, i wasn't aiming my frustrations at all teachers just at 1 imperticular. (ok i cant spell lol) this teacher chooses his favourites then wont give the others time of day so to speak, brandon has done 6 pages of homework since he started his class last august!!! because thats all he's been given.
please dont feel in anyway that i am being disrespectful to you. ( ive really done it now hey?  )

ive got a poorly headache   ive had it since yesterday, so i'll be off now, i'll post again tomoro  

loadsa love to everyone   maz xxxx

oh ps ...........teachers rock


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## cinders35

Hey guy's,
Just a quick one! (When you lot say that you go on for at least half a page!)
THIS is a quicky....


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## cinders35

ok!!!!


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## cinders35




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## cinders35

I just knock myself out!!!!!
Anyway moving on.....
My puter is not working properley so am on dp's. Will go to pc world and hopefully sort it soon, but if I am awol, never fear 
" I'll be back!! "
WHAT has gotten in to me tonight?! Haven't even been drinking!!
Did some painting earlier, maybe inhaled too many fumes!!
Jen, so glad you are getting rid of nasty gallbladder. We will miss you when you are in the hospital! 
Well done on the big train sam! Choo choo hun!!
Missyb, poor dp! You go easy on him! Bet he's not complaining though  
Could I ask the teachers quick question? How important are the league tables? Think dd is going to be getting second choice school, not so good in league tables. Such a worry!
Good luck with   on fri Pand. Use your persuasive charms!!   turned up last week, never fails! 
Emilycaitlin, you deserve a medal for staying sane doing your job and suffering with this malarky!!! In answer to your question re my funny shape tube, they said may have always been like that. May or may not be functioning properley, but didn't think warrented further investigation. So who knows!!!
Lainey, does thinking about someone else while having bms count as bad too!!! Ooooohhhh George (Clooney)!! I'm just so predictable!   Don't worry hun, we all think weird things at times. Blame the hormones! 
Hope have not caused offense in above post!
Love
Cindersxxx


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## Pand

Ok girls,

I forgive everyone!!!! I have officially stopped sulking now!  Sam its nice to hear there is a fellow nutcase who is willing to do this job!  I am one of those ones who stays at work til five and then works in the evening too (and the weekends!).  Anyway, stop apologising, I didn't take that much offence.  I am completely aware that there are some cr*p teachers and some great ones out there... its the same in any job!!! My little one starts school in September, so I will probably be ranting as much as the rest of you if they don't cut the mustard!

Was it Lainey that asked about League tables?  I can't remember (so hopeless).  Don't really think they are worth the paper they are printed on.  On a personal note, I think it is more important out little ones go to schools where they will be happy and enjoy learning.  If they have any ability then provided they are in the right environment they will learn.  My little one is going to a school I trained in.  It's excellent at boosting children's self esteem and making them feel secure, even if their teaching was given Notice to Improve by Ofsted last year.  I think you have to go with your gut feeling about a place.  It's much more important!

Jenny, I am really pleased your results have come back ok.  Fingers crossed now for the op to come off ok.

Suzy,  how could you ever offend me?  You have been a great friend and support so don't be worrying!  Where are you at with your ED?  Have you started the treatment yet?

Cinders - sorry about the old witch. She always visits me without fail too.  Wish she would just fly past.

Not had a great day myself today.  I've been doing really well recently, feeling quite normal and not obsessing about everything.  Then today, I heard that a teacher who has only been at the school since September and who has only been trying for a couple of months has just confirmed she is pregnant.  It's set me back and I've had a damn good cry tonight.  I know it shouldn't matter what is happening to other people, but its just so flipping unfair!  Since I've been ttc FOUR other members of staff have got pregnant and had babies.  It MUST be my turn soon!  I've got to summon the energy and motivation for BMS this week and it just seems so pointless.  Sorry to moan.  That's all I've done this week!

Get that book by the way. You guys will love it!

Speak soon 

Lots of Love (To everyone, even the bad ones)

Pand


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## lainey-lou

Hello all

Sam - well done on the train.  Fingers crossed with your results.  It seems we all spend our time waiting for one thing or another, when will the waiting be over  Let us know when you get them.

Jen - good luck with your op.  I hope it all goes well, not long now and then you can concentrate on    Oh, yippee!!!  Cos I think we have all agreed we LOVE that  

Cinders - you are funny, you have cheered me up tonight.  Sorry about AF, damn pest she is.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if she didn't show one month??

Missyb  - I couldn't cope with all that  .  I can barely muster up the energy between days 10 and 14, without having to do it all month.  You will be exhausted.

Pand - sorry you are feeling down.  I really related to your message tonight, I have been feeling a bit like that myself today.  There is a pregnant woman at dd's school, she is on her third in three years and I heard her moaning today about it being her birthday on Friday and how she would be spending her third birthday in a row sober.  I felt like crying.  She doesn't know how lucky she is.  I feel like time is slipping away and I am getting more and more desperate.  I agree with Sam, I think it is important to have some people who know what is going on so you have the support but I don't tell other people any more, it seems too personal.

I just wish I knew what the future has in store for me.  If I am not meant to have any more then that is fine (well, its not really but you know what I mean) but I just feel I am in a constant state of limbo, each month I feel my dream is getting further and further away from me but, while there is still a smidgeon of hope, I can't stop trying.  Does that make any sense??

Why us, eh?  It isn't fair.

I have always wanted to adopt.  In fact, before I had dd I said I wanted one of my own and to adopt one.  After I had her I decided I wanted one more before adopting.  Maybe I should revert to plan A  

Hi to Suzy and Maz.  Jo - post again soon, we miss you.

Speak to you all soon.

Love Lainey x


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## SUSZY

Evening girls
you have all been very busy on here again tonight and I should be in bed rather that writing on here but could not resist it, have been having a tidying up sorting out phase again and emptied some of my ds cupboards that had baby toys/blankets/even breast pads and nappies - what a horder I am- these were the out of reach cupboards girls - anyway feel better for it. i am now i better position to use the stuff if i need it and sort of know what I have got and if i don't am giving it all away to my cousin and I migh be clutter free once I have done the car boot and got rid of some toys!!!!!

Pand - don't worry about our apologising I think its nice that you were able to state your feelings and remind us how hard teachers work, ds got an acorn (reward thing) for his good writing and he seems to be improving with his reading - we all seem to be enjoying it more.  I am doing less playdates and hanging around a bit more at school as he has a scooter now so the whole school thing much improved  there are a couple of babies but I tend to avoid or not fuss them if you know what I mean.
sorry but I thought I had told everyone that I rang my clinic on Friday and she was faxing the referral letter to the clinic I have chosen and has agreed that I can have my scans at chester as this is closer.  now I just have to wait for the refferal letter with a date for the appointment within the next 12 weeks and then the countdown will begin.  I am trying to be better food wise and drink wise and have upped the gym attendance so am trying to really go for it and only told a couple of people.  Its my birthday on sat and i am going to be 43 and I cannot believe that this coming up to this time 6 years  ago age 37 is the date of my last period if you know what I mean so although I conceived on cup final day at a friends wedding they took the date from two weeks previous - never in a million years did I realise I was in for such a journey.  Sorry that you are feeling so down I think any new pg announcement does that to all of us - as I have said before i have seen hundreds and spent hundreds on baby clothes for them.

seem to be a bit short tempered so not sure if thats early pmt or what - seem to be more impatient with both dh and ds but now sure if the latter just getting big for his boots.  don't think me staying up late and then getting up earlier than i used to due to school run and going to the gym and getting old help.

Kelway - where are you we miss you

Lainey - i believe the adoption process can take up to three years - i know someone who started the process and I am sure they did ivf and also ed but they did not nec tell anyone, i think there is lots of assessments and visits from social workers and counselling so perhaps you could look into all this now - i kind of wish I had thought more about this a few years ago instead of rejecting it when the dr asked.  this girl i know adopted a couple of boys under 2 and they are lovely.  think we have talked c sections before as I had an emergency c section and had puss in my room and ds got taken off me for 24 hours!
HI to you again Maz

hi to cinders ( your posts are funny)  and Missby
well done sam blue on getting there on your own and sounds like it went well (i always went to the clommid appointments on my own and sat in a waiting room full of couples which used to get me down and no one talked if I did it again I think i would walk around and tell them about this site

hi to Jen/emily caitlin - teena - sorry if missed anyone out getting tired now
take care girls and will write more tomorrow.
love
susie


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## samblue

Oh Lainey, your words make me feel so sad, i know what you mean about the people that just seem to blink and they're expecting, it's not fair!!! I'd like to think that myself and DH have so much love to give and would love to have a child, but it just doesn't seem like it's ever gonna happen. Why is life so 'pants'? I'm sure that people look at us, we're really happy together, have beautiful DD, good jobs, nice house, and think that our life must be perfect(or nearly)!  What do they know!!! I always say to friends now, when they talk of maybe having kids in the future, to not put it off or wait for too long because you just don't know what the future holds. 
We have talked about fostering but haven't got the space at the moment. I think it would be wonderful to try and help all those poor kids out there who's lives are cr*p, I feel like it at school sometimes when i see a kid walking down the corridor looking grubby or his trousers are too short, you just wanna take them home and look after them.
Said to DD the other day, if i ever won the lottery I'd open a huge childrens home in the country and look after as many sad, littl'uns as i could find.  Sorry, I'm making myself even more sad now!  Gonna go & give DH a big hug and take him to bed for a cuddle.
Have still got belly ache, so anticipating that nasty witch lady (is that right?!) any day now, boo hiss!
Take care all of you, sweet dreams,
luv sam xxx
p.s. sorry this is just a general ramble, i think i'm tired & my bl**dy arm still hurts (naughty, blood-taking doctor lady !)


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## SUSZY

Dear Sam
no worries re rambeling thats what we are here for!!!!!
sorry your arm still hurts but sure it will get better soon = hope dh does not squeez it!
like your idea about abig childrens home and we could all come and visit
it is so sad that there are so many unwanted kids out there and yet there are thousands of women on here who would give anything for one.  I agree re telling people not to wait to have kids but when would we recommend as women having problems in their early thirties- also a few girls I know who had fert problems from the begging are on their thirds now as they seem to respond better to clommid or whatever as the consultants knows the reason ie not ovulating etc etc - anyway as ever bit like when I tell teenages not to wish their lives away and be too grown up too quick they roll their eyes and snigger behind my back!
take care and see you tomorrow.
ps AF is auntie flow - or wicked witch


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## honeyprincess

Hey Girls hope your all ok

Jenny its understandable 4 u 2 b sh**ing urself!!! Im scared of everything...(even leaving the house  )
But just think     after u had opp u will feel better and look foward to the new furry arrivals !
Sorry im not very good at making peeps feel better!

All i can say is im here 4 u all ok love ya 
bye 
Laura xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## missyb

hi ladies!! just a quckie to see how you all are... one of the girls from one of the other threads pm'd me to say she got a bfp!! im so happy for her as she gives me hope. i'm proud to say that i dont feel an ounce of jealousy as i know she has struggled just to get there... not like the lucky ladies that we all know about who only have to smell a guys shirt and they're pregnant!!

anyway, i'm hooked to the site but i'm afraid i have nothing exciting to say... apart from the fact that my patients are all mad and i have to spend 13 hrs tomorrow stopping them from stripping off and getting out onto the fire escape!!

hi cinders! i promise i will go easy on dp.. he has doesnt complain(tmi) it's probably coz he cant as he is gagged and bound to the bed!!   i guess we are still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship so give it a few months and i'll be pretending im asleep or that i have a mondo headache!

hi jen! hope you are feeling better hun.

pand... do u still love me hun lol. hope that youre ok. i know how you feel. one of the girls at work is going on maternity leave in 2 weeks for the 3rd year running!! and she is one of those super annoying people who is still slim and is always back in her jeans the day after having her babies! unlike my good self who looked like i was incubating an elephant and is still trying to lose my pregnancy weight... my youngest daughter is nearly 10!!!!!

hi suzy! hope everything goes well for you. you look after us unruly rabble!! and i know i sometimes forget about what you are going thru too so im soz about that..

hi laura! sam! lainey.


ok so it was not such a quick one.


mwah

amanda xx


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## hollie22

Hi Everyone thanks for the nice welcome. 
It is just SO good to hear that other people are feeling exactly how we are. Its comforting and you dont feel so alone in this mad, mad world. Took IVF forms to country pub with dh to fill in over relaxed lunch... well, you imagine these things and how you would like things to happen... but another couple were placed really close and dh said 'that's it! the forms are going away!' so havent got very far!! He is so embarrassed/ashamed by it all. Do any of you get paranoid about how many children other people have and find yourself looking for one child families when you are out and about?? Had a mad thought that we should all get together in the hols for a rendezvous- it would be so nice not to have that pressure for one day and for dd to be surrounded by other only one families. What do you think?! 
Need to admit I'm a teacher too! Infant deputy head before dd came along but now just a Mummy with occasional work until dd starts school in sept. Absolutely dreading it and hoping she isnt the only one in her class without a sibling.
Take care- hope you are all surviving!
x


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
Just checking up on you!
Sorry you are pooping pants Jen, but you wouldn't be normal if you weren't! Just try and focus on the fact that when its done you will be free to focus on ttc! Think you should give it a miss this month hun, and concentrate on getting yourself well! All that bedroom action! You will be moaning about it along with the rest of us!! 
Ooh just seen you are on line and posting Hollie, just wanted to say that somewhere in this thread I have mentioned about searching other families for single children!! I was wondering if you would all like to move into a street together?!! So our children could be surrogate brothers and sisters for each other!!?
Missyb, hope your 13 hr shift goes well tommorrow. No prizes for guessing what sort of nurse you are? Are you full/part time? I am part time, and would like to give up be no time!! Would love a change of career, any ideas? anyone?
Bought some new night cream, olay definity. So off to slather it on and have an early night (beauty sleep urgently required!), should be gorgeous by the morning.... 
Love to all,
Cindersxxx
p.s dd still not dry at night, (4 1/2yrs old) about to embark on night time training, any tips? Cx
Cindersxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear girls
not sure where to start as so much on here.

Jen so sorry you are worried about your op but its totally understandable and we would all be in your pos, I am terrible with pain or inj or ops and was so relieve i was out for the c section anyway good luck with it and you are quite right it will all be over by this time next week although you will have to take time to recover and be careful with yourself. i agree about missing it this month too.

Cinders hope your night cream works not sure if any of it does re getting dry I know it seems obvious but don't give them too much juice during the evening and take water to bed.  dh was still wetting bed quite a lot although we have had a good run so I would suggest making sure he has a bedtime wee and lift him in the night.  Have you got a waterproof sheet or two for the mattess and just take a risk and take the nappy off.  my friends little girl was still wearing a nappy when she came to stay once (unplanned due to an accident) and I did not put a nappy on her and she was fine.  sometimes you jsut have to take the plunge and know its going to be a lot of work but is worth it in the long run. good luck.  I am up for moving into the same street!!

Hollie - think your idea of meeting up on holiday is great or for the weekend, I am up for it.  I know its a lot to wade through but we have all made comments about searching for other only children and there are probably more out there than you think.  I honestly think ds can now see the benefits of not having to share me sometimes and he is still so good with friends siblings.
I have a friend coming up this weekend for my birthday the one we went to stay with in half term and I am finding that I am spending more time with people with one, not that there are many in my day to day life but when we have time off from school we tend to visit people with one.  we are all so in the same boat and its so nice to feel normal.
i had someone ask me before on the phone about where we were up to ( in fact twice today) and I said we are still deciding and when I do we are not telling so many people and I have a place to share those thoughts!!
cannot believe you were a deputy head - might have to pick your brain on some reading adn writing tips for my five year old!!!
cannot believe what a career orientated lot (except for me) are on here with teachers and nurses

missby don't worry we all have been through some stuff and I know we are all here for each other no matter what - so pleased about the bfp its weird because when its on this site we are so happy for the person as we know its been a long journey.

Honeyprincess - love the photo its georgous

hi to Lainey and samblue hope you are having good evenings.
hi to kelway and emily caitlin, pand and maz and teena and to anyone else and any new ones thinking about it
take care girls
love you 
susie


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## samblue

Hi girls, 
thank crunchie todays over! What a b*gger of a day! Don't know if it was just me having a 'patience crisis' or what, but all the kids at school seemed to be completely ignoring me!!!  So glad to be done now!
Glad it's weds tomorrow, have got some good lessons to support in and once i have my 'pants' tuesday out of the way, my weekend starts  . I know, barking! Don't you find tho, that by the time you've got to Friday all you can think about is that in a couple of days its gonna be monday again! Eternal optimist me!
Arm still sore, been showing anyone who stands still long enough, getting lots of 'yuk, is that normal?'  Big, red/purple bruise/mark, not nice!

Jenny, hope you're doing ok today hun, don't forget, avoid pot noodles and jam doughnuts and pma pma !!! This time next week it'll all be over  xx
Lainey, how you doing hun?
Susie, Happy B'day for the weekend! You'd all be welcome at my children's home, i just have to win the lottery first!
Hi Hollie, like you're idea of filling in forms in a country pub! Nice ploughmans, and a half of diet coke lol! Maybe find somewhere with a booth next time tho! & mind you don't get beer on it!!

Gonna go and have some choc cake and cream, feeling bit sorry for myself as AF (think I've got it now, thanks Susie!) not due til Tues but have belly ache so not expecting any good news this month, think i've become much more conscious of it all now we're going thro all the investigations and actively ttc. Over the last 10 years i think we've had may have had the attitude that it will happen if/when the time is right.  Now I'm running out of time and the pressure's on, not a good feeling! 
Hope you're all well and keeping your chin's up! Won't say hi to you all coz will take up 2 much space and i'v gone on far too long already!!
Take care all,
speak soon, luv sam xx


----------



## samblue

Jenny, would send you some choc cake if i could, kiddo! gonna have to share with DH tho! (unless i hide in bathroom... )
pma pma, its weds tomorrow, hurrah!
Night night, sweet dreams, hun, talk tom,
luv sam xxx


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## samblue

Evening all! 
just a quickie, coz DH just walked in!
Feeling bit happier today, still got belly-ache , but spent an hour or two wiv good friend after work and had a good laugh so cheered me up!
Jenny, sorry you're feeling poorly this mornin, hope you're feeling better soon hun, pma pma 

Hi to all the rest of you, maybe back later!
luv sam xxx


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## lainey-lou

Hi everyone

Jen - sorry you are feeling poorly, it never rains but it pours as my mum would say.  Not long now though until the op and then I am sure your immune system will pick up.  Sending some     your way.

Suszy - happy birthday for this weekend.  I hope you have a good time       

Sam - sorry you had a bad day yesterday, hopefully today is better.  I so understand what you were saying about appearing to have the perfect life.   DH and I are both qualified accountants and have good jobs, so money is not a problem, we live in a big house and drive nice cars and, of course, we have dd and each other.  Other people must think my life is great.  I find this really frustrating because my life is pretty good but at the moment I can't seem to get past the baby issue.

The other thing that really bugs me is that I am slim, have a good varied/organic diet, don't smoke, hardly drink anymore (except last weekend ) , have acupuncure, vitamins and have been trying to exercise SO WHY CAN'T I GET PREGNANT?  It makes me so 
mad when experts say being overweight/bad diet/smoking stops you getting pregnant.  What's my excuse then?  

Sorry about that, rant over  

Hi to Cinders, Missyb, Maz and Kelway and everyone else I have missed.

Laura - your daughter is gorgeous.  You must be very proud.

Speak soon

Lainey xx

PS  Sorry for the moaning


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## lainey-lou

Sorry Jen, you must have been typing at the same time as me.  What a b*st*rd your sister's doctor sounds.  What a terrible thing to say, I am not surprised she was devastated, I would have been.

I feel awful about my comments about being slim now, sorry, our messages overlapped.  I am really fortunate that I am naturally slim but my sister has terrible trouble with her weight and I know how distressing it is for her.

Tell your sister to knee him in the g**lies next time she sees him   

Take care

Lainey x


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
I went to WW tonight and am the heaviest I have ever been and am finding it really really difficult - well only just started back but the older I get the harder it becomes and I am so down about it,  Jen please give your sister a big hug from me - its amazing that she lost four stone but I know how hard it is and how easy it is to put back on. The dr sounds very brutal as I keep thinking I have swollen up like no bodies business and would like a blood test and would certainly be in floods of tears if they had said that to me.
also hope your cold goes away.

samblue hope you improve how you are feeling - I am sure we will all get there one day.

Lainey thanks for your birthday wishes - will have a good time despite weight watchers!

Hi to the rest of you am really tired and have done a lot today, had a course, out for lunch, quick nip to a wine shop re a wine tasting event, someone to play after school, weight watchers and PTA meeting! 
will speak tomorrow.
love you all
love
Susie


----------



## missyb

morning all! hope all well today. i'm pooped after my shift yesterday.

cinders! hi hun i qualified in september and got a job on a rehab ward, mainly elderly care. lovin the oldies but it can be hard work and at the moment they all seem to be mad... im sure it's rubbing off on me. I asked one of my 96 year old ladies what her secret to a long life was... she told me plenty of the other!!! ewwww. i work part time so i do 2 long days a week. i'm already at the stage where i'd like to do something different and so i've just applied for a job at st catherines hospice. what would you like to do? what do u do now? do u want a complete change i'm thinking of becoming a pole dancer for the visually impaired! thats the only way i'd get away with it with my figure.. (belly and boobs heading south!)

bms due to start next week but guess what?? im working boo hoo!

hello to all you other ladies, jen, lainey, laura, sam, pand,suzy. love reading the posts as they keep me sane, so keep up the good work!

amanda xx


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## Guest

bloody hell you lot can chat       

its taken me sooo long to read the posts that i aint got no time to chat  

so i will just send you all loads of love n hugs       

maz xxxx


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## samblue

Hi all!

I'm in a bad mood      (sorry!)

I wasn't.... had a good day at school, lots of laffs & its nearly the weekend, then at home-time got stood-up by my pal i was s'posed to meet up with, then came home & called hospital for results (they were s'posed to call me back yesterday), left message, they called me back & I have to go again for bloods in the morning   !!!!! All the way to Paddington! Why couldn't they tell me that yesterday! I'm really cross!! I had to call my boss, who was really sweet, but it b*ggers up everyones day if some-ones out! Then D(pain-in-*ss, luv her to bits)D calls me from bus stop to say bus hasn't arrived, its raining and can i run her to work!!!In the rush hour!!!  Think i need to take up yoga....

Going to make cuppa then will be back to talk to you all properly, sorry for ranting!
luv sam xxx


----------



## samblue

Hi all,
feeling bit better now, sorry bout before!
What amazes me about hospitals is that they seem to think you don't have a life!? I appreciate that ttc is rather all-consuming at times, but I'm sure most of you out there also have families, jobs, homes to run etc etc, i know i do!  I know all the tests are really important, but I've had to have quite a bit of time off work, usually at quite short notice, and what with having to travel up to London on the big, scary train, it seems to only add to the stress if you have to make an appointment at short notice!
DH had the hump about me having to go again for bloods tomorrow quote' why couldn't they give you more notice? -unquote!  I had to explain to him that unfortunately my cycle being somewhat erratic  ,  means that each month differs and we have to play it by ear!
At least my nasty bruise will still be there so i can show doc what she did to me on monday! 

Jenny, thanks for hugs, making me feel better already! sorry about your gall-bladder feeling odd! It's amazing how something so little can make you feel so 'pants'! I remember the shoulder/back pain too! pma pma!

Hi maz, glad to see you're keeping up.... 

Susie, hun, sending you hug bout nasty dieting, been there, done that, still fat (ish!), having a go at Slim fast at the mo (ish), lost 12lb since last nov, but wavering at mo, need to get a grip! Easter did me in (will-power of a tea-towel ). Keep your chin-up kiddo!

Hi lainey, nice to hear from you hun!
luv to missyb too! and all you others!

Have just got back from picking up DD from work, DH's round MIL's ('i won't be long, honest....' ) &
I think we'r gonna have McD's for dinner, fab, I'm sure potatoes count as one of my five a day 
Wish me luck for big, scary train & bloods tomorow (pastry stand here i come)
luv to all,
sam xxx
ps sorry its a long one....!!!


----------



## cinders35

Hi ladies!
Can't sleep. On dp's puter, mine still down  Finding it difficult to keep up you load of gossips!
Reason can't sleep is took dd round to play with my df children today. They are 7 & 4yrs. They mostly played nicely, but as the p.m went on they got tired. My friends kiddies kind of closed ranks on dd, and she was pushed out. She was upset. I was there to witness their behaviour so I explained to them that their actions were making dd feel sad, and that she was their guest and it wasn't a very nice way to treat her. I'm glad I stood up for her, and that she saw me stand up for her. I wish I had asked them to apologyse. Their mum & I are old df's, and I think she was fine with me speaking to them. She had told me they do this sometimes with other friends. Probably a brother/sister thing. I'm fairly sure dd has forgotten about it. But here I am, nearly midnight , & I can't sleep for thinking about it! The awful feeling seeing your child excluded, it's excruciating! Could happen if she had 10 brothers & sisters, so cant really blame that! Would rather it be me being pushed out. But you can't protect them from everything can you. As much as you want to protect them and wrap them in cotton wool it won't prepare them for the real world! Think I am going to have to toughen up!
Hey Sam, hope tommorrow goes well for you  What pastry did you get?!
Not long now Jen,say goodbye to that nasty gallbladder!  
Hi Missyb I am an old timer! Qualified in 1994! Work 1 day! Have done all sorts, rehab, surgical, cardiac, itu, nursing homes, itu in oz! (as in australia, not the wizard of...)! and now theatre recovery. Would like complete change of career! Nothing health related!! I used to love talking to the oldies, particularly those with marbles intact. They were all so young at heart! I got quite attatched at times, hazard of the job!  
 Suszy! Hope you are thoroughly spoilt. Breakfast in bed, that kinda thing! Try not to feel too bad about the weight thing. I have gym induction booked for tommorrow, am only little bit overweight, but clothes are very tight. Comfort eating!! Pants isn't it?! Did anyone see that programme last week when 2 journalists tried to crash diet down to size00? Fascinating! But don't think I need to worry too much about that! OOOhh, making myself hungry!!!
By the way, not gorgeous yet. Perhaps new night cream needs a bit longer to work?!
Anyone fancy a midnight feast?!!!!
N'night you guys, all of you, PARTICULARLY those of you I have neglected! sweet dreams...
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## samblue

Just a quickie before bed ( )

thanks for all the lovely luck jenny! fingers crossed it'll be ok, this time tomorrow....!!pma!

Hi cinders, don't worry too much about your DD, kids are remarkably resilient (sp?) and bounce back very quickly, know what you mean tho bout wanting to protect them from nasty ol' world! Very hard thing to deal with, i think you just have to give them a good grounding, let them make their own decisions and be around for them if it all goes wrong! Haven't got my pastry yet! Thats my 'well-done-me' treat for the trauma of going (usually buy a lovely chocolate, banana and nougat pastry thing from patisserie stand at station, for train ride home!) and in particular as this will be 3rd time i've been on my own!! I hate public transport, scares me   and DH hasn't been able to get time off work for last 2 trips (only cycle monitoring scans so no biggy) so i've negotiated driving to station, getting train and then finding hospital (St Marys, Paddington) all by myself - very brave!   Good luck with the night cream, I'm on my 2nd nite of Virgin vie super-dooper, old person night cream (or something like that?!), it goes on nicely and i'm only hoping it will iron out a few of my crinkly bits, so not asking for too much 

Well, DH gone to bed, I'm getting raging belly ache again, trying not to think about AF approaching, will put me back in my bad mood, hoping that the thread about AF being much worse the first month after hsg won't apply to me! 
Ok, need sleep. hope you all have a happy friday!
Night night, 
luv sam xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi Sam,
Didn't think you would be reading my post until tommorrow, after you had been! So thats why I asked what pastry did you get?!
So, what pastry did you get?!
Sweet dreams,
Cindersxx


----------



## SUSZY

Samblue and cinderss cannot believe you were all up so late - as I was so tired having done what you two were doing all week I went to be at 9.30
samblue hope it goes well today for you and sure the train will be fine, Jen   to you and cinders thanks for the birthday wishes think I will probably get spoilt but usually  by my mum rather than dh is is terrible with birthdays probably because he never used to get much when he was growing up and gets resentful if I do a few things like meal tonight (which we would probably hvae done with friends anyway) then going to my mums with friends tomorrow for bbq so its not like it going to cost him but will do my mum.  anyway he has made me feel sad this morning but then that dhs for you we are not getting on too well at mo but I am determined he is not going to spoil today for me so feel better for putting it down on here so thanks girls.
will try and write more later cannot be too long now as want to continue my early streak at school
love to the rest of you girls really must dash
take care
thanks for being there and your nice comments re weight.
love
susie


----------



## SUSZY

Cinders by the way know what you mean about our little ones getting excluded - I am usually more upset than him if he does not get invited to a party and that despite knowing a lot of his class of 30 well before school started and having lots around to play he still only seems to play with the the girls he kind of went with even though they go off and play with others.  I constantly worry about him and then I think because he is an only child he is used to his own company and can play well on his own and probably prefers small groups.  Then last night the three boys came in the garden to show him some footie tricks and I think well its like having siblings next door.  it so hard think we would worry whatever but do tend to think we worry more because they are only children!
hope you managed to get some sleep and as sam says sure the only one who is remembering it is you!
take care and have a good day 
love
susie


----------



## samblue

Hi chaps!!! I'm back!!!
Getting an old hand at this train lark  back by 11, should 've prob gone into work early, but thought i'd chill for a bit!  Showed doc my poorly arm, she was horrified! (good!), different one tho & she took my blood with a 'butterfly' in my hand! tiny plaster, no bruise, hurrah! Would feel a bit of a fraud if i didn't still have a big, black & purple bruise on my arm!!

Hi cinders, i couldn't sleep either! just eaten banana, choc & nougat pastry wiv my oj (sounds odd but tastes nice!), delish!! Bought one back for DH too coz i'm nice like that !

Mornin Susie, don't let dh get you down hun, men are a pain in *ss at times, don't let him spoil ur day!   Well done with the early stuff, i'm notorious for my dodgy time-keeping! Proud of you!

Hi Jenny! How you feeling kiddo? I feel a bit sick now i've eaten my pastry, but hey, life's too short!!
Cool bout your course! I've done some stuff with the OU, good to exercise one's brain, but i had trouble coz i have no will-power (surely not? ) so time-management is not my thing!! Hope the ducks were well!

Right, I've gotta go get changed and bimble off to work for the afternoon, nice chilled session with a couple of kids planning a garden, cool!
Hope you're all enjoying friday, think we should all do some serious wishing for some sunshine at the weekend!!
back later,
luv sam xxx


----------



## Guest

sam,  

out of all the nurses that have taken my blood over the years the only one that didn't hurt me had eyes that looked at both sides of the room at once 
(im not taking the micky outta people with any eye problems, honest )

as for kids being singled out, yea mines the same.
he hasnt got it in him to make nasty comments back at other kids so i do it 
he's only just started fighting back if someone pushes him he will push back (which makes me proud   )
before i moved area all my friends had 3 or 4 kids each and i found they would group up on brandon and that made me feel even worse about him not having a bro/sis to help him kick ass
its as if i can feel his loneliness if that makes sence?

right ive got a bathroom that isn't gonna clean itself  (pity )

love maz xxx


----------



## Guest

jenny hun ive posted for you on the relationships thread


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## TC2

Hiya All

 Susie - Belated but i hope you had fun....  and WELL DONE YOU going to WW!!!!  It works and dont worry bout the putting back on cos if all goes to plan youll be preggars and wont care.... that 28lb i lost....its going back on, but losing it helped me get what i wanted!  My DH is a C**P birthday kinda guy too....he just cant do it like i need him to!     

Teena x


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
Too tired for chat!!!! ( late night on FF!!) also had gym induction with a young whippersnapper today.He was cute, shame I am 35 with middle age spread. Making c**p jokes while I huff and puff around gym being "inducted" hoping he won't notice my racing heartbeat (comes up on machine! Ooooh clever!) and sweaty body, but he did. Ah well, maybe when I am fit I can teach him a thing or two?! I only typed that in my head right?!!!  A girls gotta dream!!!!
Need sleeeeep.... grumpy  
Nnite!
Cindersxxx


----------



## tinkerbellsmum

hi all 
thought i'd give this chat thing a shot sorry haven't read all the messages i'd still be here at xmas if i had done a few personals which is difficult cause i don't know u sorry 
cinders: i know we r can't protect them from everything hun but its only natrual to want to 
sam: what cd u on hun? when did u have hsg?
susie: u should have a treat on your birthday hun happy birthday 
maz: my dd won't fight back either always says thats naugthy i can't i've just got to tell teacher u can't win u don't want them to get bullied (luckierly she doesn't) but u don't want her to get in trouble with the teachers either
jenny: hope u r ok now lovely song 
teena: wd on the weightloss i lost 2 stone but think i've put a stone back on 

not counting this monthin hope that it might make 2ww abit easier so far its just proving hard do feel aliitle more relaxed though.

have a good night all
michelle


----------



## Guest

jenny them song lyrics are spot on babe


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## SUSZY

i just got in and have to post as it turns midnight on my birthday


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## SUSZY

just missed it my 10 seconds but happy 43rd birthday to me and beginning to think it might never happen for me and pehaps I am too old for it and as gayn said on this thread I Would give up my chance however remote for you all to have a chance as you are younger
had a very nice night out with friends who I have known for five years

jen - the lyrics are amazing and you are so right FF are be best friends my main places are here and the first place I ever started and I have a few on notify as there is so many to look into  but it has saved my life and I will never forget.

i have had a lovely night after not such a good start they say the IF thing puts such a strain on you and after nearly 7 years of marriage second time around it really is but we hae to keep on going.
love you all
love
susie
thanks for support - really not sure what happened about my weight the two girls I was out with are three stone lighter ( think I must carry it well Ha ha


----------



## Guest

awww suszy, your last post made me cry    

keep strong babe, sending you bigs hugs










lots of love, maz xxxxx


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## Pand

Hi girls!

Aw Suzy sorry to hear you didn't have a great birthday, but HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY wishes.  You are not too old for all of this I promise.  Women far older than you have managed it so don't give up yet.  You can do this and it's good news you've had your letter.

Hi to everyone else, hope you are all ok.

This is just a quick post to update re: my cons appointment.  Went to see my new cons on Friday and he was ABSOLUTELY LOVELY!!!!! A man who knew what he was talking about and actually seemed to care about what we are going through.  The long and short of it is, the cyst in my left tube probably is wrecking any chances I have of getting pregnant and it will have completely damaged the inside of the tube.  He suggests that I have the tube removed by laporoscopy.  He said there was not point opening the tube as I will have v high chance of an ectopic and as they removed part of my ovary last year that ovary probably isn't working either... hang on ... last year the other consultant told me my ovary was in tact and I had as much chance as any other woman of becoming pregnant... I'm furious that he lied to me.  I had no idea they had removed part of the ovary!!!!  Anway, to cut a long story short, this new consultant has told me he is going to try and get me in for the op in the next six to eight weeks!  How fantastic is that!  He did caution me that the HSG might not have shown up any adhesions on my other tube so they will have a look at that too.

I'm so chuffed that finally someone is listening to me and is trying to help, however I'm also terrified they will find the other tube is knackered cos IVF scares the hell out of me and I have no idea where we would find the  money.

Anyway, that's a bridge to cross if we come to it.  At least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel!

Speak soon everyone!

Amanda


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## samblue

Hi girls, this is just a quickie coz I have a date with DH & a pizza!

Obviously all that bms didn't work coz that nasty witch lady (   ) turned up yesterday afternoon, boo hiss , i s'pose at least i can try & work out my ovulation thing properly this month (hav had some v good tips!) coz i think i'v been slightly out all these years - and with my dodgy eggs I don't think i can afford to be a few hours out. let alone a few days  Hey, at least I'm smiling, got belly-ache tho!
Happy B'day again to suszy,  bday kiss! keep your chin up hun, 'it'll all come out in the wash' - another one of my mum's classics!
Michelle, still learning abreviations hun! what is cd?! had my hsg on fri 13th, ahhhhhh! No, it was fine, more nervous of the unknown, but all good in the end, nothing blocked and bits the right shape 
Hi cinders, young whippersnapper - mmmmm sounds good to me!! would almost make it worth going to the gym!! Talking of fit chaps, have you seen '300' OMG!!  lots of gorgeous bods in that!! (lots of blood n guts too, but hey!)
Fab news pand, everything crossed for some good stuff to go your way    !!!
Hi jenny, how you doing hun? popped on here tonite coz was just telling DH u got your op on tues, so thought i'd best check how you're doing!!!! Sending you huge hugs  Love your song words, beautiful! My song i've adopted for all my trips to hospital is 'Comfortably Numb' by Pink Floyd, very, very loud in car on way to station and hummed on the train (must get an mp3 player!), some of the words are very 'me' 
*'Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.*.....
*....The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.'* 
That, I'm afraid, so far sums up where i'm at on my journey, numb.

If i'v missed any1 sorry , sending luv to you all, think our sunshine wish worked, it's been gorgeous here today!
Gotta go coz DH has gone quiet in other room, so he's either got the hump  or he's dozed off , better go get pizza!!!
luv to all, see you later,
sam xxx (ok, so it wasnt so quick....!)


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## cinders35

Hi everyone,
If I haven't checked in with you guys I feel a bit twitched! Like to touch base every day! Is anyone else like that?!
Anyway, my early night last night didn't work as had to get up to dd. Then lay next to her and slept badly, but was too tired to get up and take the 10 second walk back to my bedroom for a decent night sleep!! What a fool! 
Samblue, nice pastry! Sorry to hear   turned up. You seem so sensible about it. Unlike me, drama queen!
Hey Jen, you are soo sweet thinking of us with the song and everything! What if we all got together to write one?! We could call it aunt flo or something!!!! Hope you are doing ok?
Pand, you must be on a complete high after your appointment went so well!!! What a great sounding dr! There is definately light at the end of the tunnel foryou! The time scale is great too! Fingers crossed. 
Hi suz, think "IF" definately puts a strain on relationship. You are not alone! But "rough with the smooth" "ups and downs" "for better or worse" says she not married! There will be good times ahead. I for one hope so anyway!!!
Hi Michelle, glad you could make it! We are very chatty! Can you imagine the noise levels if we were all in the same room together?!!!
Missyb, Lainey, you left the country?! 
Will check you out on other board Maz 
Have defo left some of you out,        
Enjoy the rest of your weekend ladies,
Love Cindersxxx


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## samblue

Hi all! 
Hope you're all enjoying the weekend!
Cinders, have to be a bit 'comfortably numb' about nasty witch lady otherwise i'd be in bits! it almost feels like all this hospital stuff is happening to someone else - does that make any sense to anyone?!  I think it's a coping strategie that my bizarre brain has cooked up for me!
Jenny, well done with the pma pma! You're working on the 'this time weds' theory so that's fab!! You'r allowed to be nervous though kiddo, just remember that you won't know anything about it! Bet you wake up afterward laughing!! That's relief, i think i'v done it everytime i've been 'under'. Big hugs & will speak to you before you go! 
Guess what we did today!!! Bought another trailer tent!! A combi-camp from ebay! DH' on his way back with it now, but has just called and said their measurements were wrong and it won't fit round side of house   ooppss!! Oh well, we come up with something! Roll on the proper summer, 'a-camping' we shall go!
Hi to everyone else, back to work tomorrow, boo hiss ( i love it wen i get there, its just getting ther....)
enjoy rest of sunday, 
luv sam xxx


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## cinders35

Hi all,
Hey Jen will be thinking of you when you are in hosp. Maybe you could get dp to print out your ff messages?! Then you won't miss us too much!?! But we'll   You gotta remember that once it is done, it's the last time that 'orrible gall bladder will give you any trouble! That'll teach it  Defo good pma to think of all the   you can have next month whilst ttc!
Have been painting spare room, white. It takes ages covering the pale green that was there.
Had a little bbq this pm. Did bannanas, put them in a wrap with chocolate spread. Yummy! Another hour at the gym required!!!
Have just put dd to bed in big girl KNICKERS! No pull up! Am not anticipating immediate success, as last night we lifted her for a wee at 10.45pm which she did, but her pull up was still wet this a.m. But thought I should at least give it a go.
Have been quite grouchy with dp.   He is away this coming week. I think the break will do us good. But we are going to play tennis tommorrow a.m before he goes. Not good enough to play proper game, but knockabout will be fun! 
Hope y'all ok?
Love Cindersxx


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## samblue

Hi cinders, 
fingers crossed for big girl knickers!!!!  I remember (just about!) when my DD went through the night for first time (don't think they did pull-ups in those days!). Last thing at night, realised I'd used the last nappy so thought, let's give it a try! It worked & she was dry from then on, haven't a clue how old she was tho   but remember it being mothers day! (so maybe just under 2?)
Long time ago now, don't really envy you all that but i s'pose it could be me in a year or two?! 
Good luck & keep persevering (sp?!)
luv sam xx


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## samblue

Night night jenny, sleep tight!

I've gotta drag myself away too, gotta do some washing (not know for being a domestic goddess, me!), wash my hair, feed DH & DD, sort out my school bag (!?) and try & do some of the things that i was s'posed to do over the weekend, which i didn't so i'm all behind and......oh well, never mind, pma pma, in the words of the song , 'an' i'm feeling good' (something to do with diet coke?)  or 'don't worry, be happy'

Luv to you all, have a good monday and 'always look on the bright side of life      -that's sposed to sum1 whistling 

night night,
luv sam xxx


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## Guest

night night sam and jenny 

cinders, you finally grown up enough to wear big girl knickers?      im sure dd will be just fine  

amanda, sorry your ex con was a idiot, ive had the same problem with one   glad your back on track now  

suszy, how are you babe?  

ive not done much this weekend, had a bbq at mums yesterday ermmmmmmm today been bored cos dh was out collecting wheels that he won off ebay so i did a little bit of gardening and got thru loadsa washing.

ive had a pretty crap day to be honest, i woke up with a cloudy head  

hope everyone else is ok    

love n hugs, maz xxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear girls
just started writing a long reply and i lost it but just wanted to say thanks for all the birthday wishes, i had a great time thanks and my dh really came through for me and spoilt me with breakfast in bed, flowers, ipod and cash and generally all day I got spoilt by people which was lovely, we went to my mums as well and my friend came to stay with her dh and ds and she is in the same boat as me so it was just a lovely relaxing weekend with lots of champers and wonderful weather.

Jen - thinking of you and wishing you all the luck for tuesday - am sure it will be fine - sending some cake down the internet wires to you!!!  had a great birthday and thanks so much for all those good wishes etc - will be thinking of you 

samblue - well done on getting another trailer tent hope you have sorted out where to put it, we have a 79 vw bay window campervan which we love and have already been away twice in because of the lovely weather , perhaps we should sort out a camping weekend someone and people can stay in a b&B if they want!! thanks for the support and your sunshine wishes obviously worked as its been wonderful weather so thanks for that!! would also appreciate any tips re the ovul stuff, I thought I knew it all and it has worked for me a few times but now adays I don't seem to have a clue as am trying not to think about it and due to clommid and the scans and not a dicky bird for three years I think there is something up with my eggs!

maz - sorry you have not had such a good day - hope you feeling better - glad you had a good bbq - we did too

cinders hope big girls knickers worked and well done on your painting - also thought your idea of printing msg off was a great one.  also thanks for your supporting comments I do appreciate it, its so lovely we are all here for each other!!

maz - thanks for your good wishes too and support

tc2 nice to hear from you - how are you doing and feeling

pand - thanks for your good wishes and so glad that your appointment went well and the consultant sounds so nice and very promising so good luck with all that.  i have still not had by letter through from clinic just waiting, and had row with dh friday night before my birthday but did have a good time and he was really sweet and feeling better  think sometimes it all just gets on top of us 

HIi to Michelle too - nice to hear from you.

right girls going to sign off now, thanks for all your support, really really appreciate it - you are all such great girls and its great to be part of this whole secondary chat.

take lots of care girls and good luck - hi to the rest of you

love

susie


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone

Just a quick one to wish Jenny good luck for the op.  We look forward to seeing you back soon.  Sending loads of            to help you to a speedy recovery.

Not a happy bunny at the moment, feeling low and generally  .  AF is due soon and the niggly cramps have started so another month goes by with no success     

I don't like to post when I feel like this so will make it a short one, just wanted to check in and say hello.  Sorry for being a misery guts.

Lainey x


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## Guest

just a quickie

      
GOOD LUCK JENNY
      ​
LOADSA LOVE N HUGS, MAZ XXXXX


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## cinders35

Quicky,
Too late, you will be in hosp now. But good luck Jen! Thinking of you chick!   
Back later. Off swimming.  
Love Cindersxxx


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## samblue

Hi all just a quickie before i go back to work 

*Jenny!!!!!!! * My comp went wonky yesterday so i couldn't wish you luck hun!!!!! But hey, by now it'll all be over, hurrah!!!!       see, pma pma and all that !!!!! Hope you're doing ok kiddo, been thinking bout you all day!

Will catch up wiv you all later, gotta grab quick cuppa, gasping! & off to youth club, bummer dude!
xxxxx


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## Rachel~M

Hi girls

hope you dont mind me popping on here but jenny had asked me to post and tell you all how she is when her dh had rang me..

well he just rang and she has had her op and is doing well, they managed to do it via keyhole and she should be allowed home tomorrow at some point. 

just thought id let you all know

take care
love
Rachel 
xxxxx


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## Guest

thanks rachel,

please let jenny know we all want her to come back soon  

hugs, maz xxx


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## Rachel~M

will do hun... and im sure she will be back very soon... xxxxx


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## cinders35

Thats great news Rachel, so kind of you to let us know, and so thoughtful of Jen! Going to have to do another message in a sec when I have had a chance to read and catch up! 
Love Cindersx


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## SUSZY

Dear Rachel
Thanks for letting us know about Jen and glad it all went well so good of her to think of us.
We look forward to having her back.
Trying to do a little something in the form of a booklet for my step fathers 60th weekend so won't be long girls.
Not much to report, still no word from new clinic not that I am surprised!
lovely weather again today.
had a really good session at meditation.
Maz i wondered who the banana woman was!!
hope you feel better soon Lainey
love and kisses to the rest of you
love
susie


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## cinders35

Lainey hun, you should post when you are down! We are not just fairweather friends, a problem halved and all that! I make everyone miserable when I'm down,   and you guys are there to pick me up  . I don't see why you shouldn't get that support! I think when all is said and done that that is why we are all here! I'm so sorry if it hasn't worked again this month. It just feels never ending doesn't it? Please post more, it might help... 
Where has missyb gone? Please come back!!!
Big girl knickers not going so well!! So am back to broken nights!! But will persevere! 
We went swimming today, was glorious in outside pool. Not quite the south of france, but not bad!!
Played very very bad tennis with dp yesterday, but it was nice to spend some time together, and we had a larf!!
Has anyone seen the moon tonight, beautiful. Would be romantic but dp away in london. 
Going to go and do my online shopping. Begginning to hate that almost as much as I used to hate doing actual shopping!! Not made to be a domestic goddess me!!
Not entirely sure what exactly I was made for?!
Love to all, shopping calls...
Cindersxxx


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## lainey-lou

Ahhh, thanks Cinders.

Well, you asked for it........

Life is treating me very badly (well, it feels like it is anyway).  AF hasn't arrived yet but is brewing and I just feel totally deflated.  What's the point of going on?  I just feel like giving up.  I feel like I've tried everything and nothing works, I just don't know which way to turn.  Should I try IVF, should I cut my losses and go for a DE or should I just go straight for adoption, I just don't know what to do.  All I know is that I want this misery to end 

Everyone around me is pregnant, some friends are really sensitive and great, others not so great!!!  I feel this has ruined my relationship with two of my closest friends because they said/did the wrong thing at the wrong time and I am just so sensitive that I can't forgive them.

To top all this, I found out on Friday that my first boyfriend died recently in a car crash    Feel very sad and lonely.

Why me?  What have I done to deserve this?  I must have done something really bad in a past life.

Anyway, enough about me.  Glad to hear Jen is ok and hope to see her back soon.

Hi to Suszy - thanks for your kind wishes.

Hi to Pand, Maz, Teena, Kelway, Missyb and everyone else.

Off to have a soak in the bath now and have a little cry I think.

Lainey

PS sorry for the self pity, just hormonal and p**ed off!


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## Guest

awww Lainey,
dont aplogise hun, ff was created to help people thru the hard times as well as the good times  
and lets face it infertility isn't just about procedures is it? it affects everything we do and say.
so if you wanna shout, scream and cry do it! it will make you feel better and believe me, no one on here will think any less of you babe        

bye for now, mwah xxx


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## Guest

omg no one is online today! i post on loadsa threads and no one else is chatting    
i aint got anything infectious, honest! 

ok i'll chat to myself then,
brandon keeps asking me to take him karate lessons so i rang up today and they've got a lesson at 4.30. i cant wait to see his face after school when i tell him  

erm what else??

oh ive managed 1 and a half litres of water so far today, my poor bladder, ive not peed this much since i was heavily pg with brandon.

if anyone wants to see brandons montage click the globe, its funny how many times my hair changes  

ok i dont like talking to myself anymore  

bye bye


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## Pand

Hi girls,

Oh Lainey, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down.  It's so pants isn't it?  I totally understand how you feel.  There have been months when I've seriously considered giving up altogether, and I've lost count of the number of times I've said to people, "I don't understand what I've done to deserve this?  Why me?"  There just doesn't seem to be any justice in all this does there.  I think we would drive ourselves mad if we tried to work out the "why" of it all.  You don't deserve this, no-one does.  It is probably one of the most painful things I have ever had to deal with.  The only advice I can give is to allow yourself to be down for a few days and be kind to yourself.  Retail therapy always helps a bit and then posting on here knowing that other people are in the same boat.  We are all good people, and none of us deserve this but for some reason we are special.  Who knows what the reason is, maybe we will never find out.  Try to keep your chin up flower.  Those hormones will settle down in a few days.  Hang on in there.

Jenny - Hope the op went well and looking forward to seeing you back on the boards soon!  One more hurdle down...

Suzy - The waiting around is such a nightmare isn't it?  Hope you hear something soon.

Maz - You do realise that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness!!!!

Hev - It seems you and I are going to be recovering from our ops about the same time!!! Had a letter through yesterday and I am having my laporoscopy on 17/5/07!  Cons is hopefully going to remove left tube to get rid of hydro and will check the right.  He told me HSGs don't always show up adhesions.  So now (being the totally negative idiot that I am) I am terrified the right tube will be blocked and we will have to re-mortgage our house to afford IVF!!!! And then there's the needles.. I swear the IVF girs are so brave!!

Had a cr*p birthday yesterday.  Hubby completely messed it up.  On Sat he announced he hadn't got me a present yet cos he didn't know what to get, so I ended up buying my own present (£20 pair of converse).  Then whenever anyone asked if I was doing anything special he just wrote it off saying it was a school night so we couldn't go out, but he would cook me dinner.  At this stage I still didn't say anything.  But when I told him I was going to Tescos on Monday after school he asked me if I could pick up what I wanted for my birthday tea!!!!  It ended up with us having a blazing row on Monday, me in tears on the morning of my birthday and a takeaway for my birthday dinner.  It's so nice to be loved.

Anyway, the letter telling me about my op arrived and fortunately cheered me up a bit!

Thats all for now girlies!  Hi to anyone I've missed.

Love and stuff

Pand


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## cinders35

Hi ladies,
Thats it Lainey, let it out!! There's more where that came from isn't there?! Just hammer it out on that keyboard, and we'll try and help you through! Firstly sorry about your first boyfriend, that's so tough. You need time to take that in, and grieve. Sorry.
You sound very much like me in the way you deal with the monthly diappointments - BADLY! I was thinking about this the other day. I build myself up into manic frenzy that this month will be the one every b****y month! I imagine how surprised I will be when at last I get my bfp! I plan how I will tell dp, ( malt whisky, cigar and gift wrapped wee stick!) Anyway, it goes on...and on...and on.....cos it never happens!!!! It's the 2ww every month, and the symptom checking for signs of af that does my head in. I turn into a complete mad woman! I too want this hell to end!! Another ff has given up her quest for another sibling, and i said to her I almost envy her, as at least she can get on with her life now! though I am not ready to give up yet. I still have some fight left in me! 
I wondered if I could talk myself into looking at it less like a monthly project, but more of a yearly thing. Sort of persuade myself that it will happen, but probably not this month. To try and avoid the monthly rollercoaster. Not convinced I can manage it!
Last year I went to see a hypnotherapist. She specialises in fertility. I travelled 3 hrs to see her! Her name is tina taylor, she has a good website. I don't know exactly what she did, but when I went there I couldn't see me with another baby. I just couldn't visualise it. After a couple of hrs with her, and a few tears! I could see it! I still can. It changed my outlook on ttc (for a while!)Obviously I still haven't achieved my goal, so if I were to measure her success by that, then it was no good! But I felt it was something of a breakthrough to at least be able to visualise our family with a new baby in it!  
Have you had good medical advice re treatment Lainey? You seem so sure your eggs are past sell by date, how are you so sure?
Unfortunately only you and dh can decide on what is the best next step, but before you decide, make sure you have had good medical advice with your chances laid on the line. Not sure if you have a clinic or not? But you can shop around when you go private, shopping... it's what we girls are good at!!!
We could do with a comfy setee, pyjamas, duvet, and drink of choice to put our world to rights couldn't we?!!! Oh and choccy 

I know you feel so confused Lainey, but you are clearly a smart intelligent woman, you can work this thing through, you can.  

Hey Princess consuella banana hammock!
Sorry you been lonely!! Where are you at? Are you on the drugs yet?! How was the karate?!

Hi Pand, wow that consultant kept to his word, and better! 17th may! That's fantastic!! Less time to stress yourself out?! Hopefully he will be able to put your mind at rest for the other tube, and you will be able to ttc   knowing that you have every chance!!! So cool!
With regard to your birthday,          sorry, didn't cotton on it was your birthday! Most men are totally c**p at birthdays!!! I always try to make a fuss of dp, and he laps it up! But usually I am in receipt of some garage flowers!!! Though this year it was different and I got a laptop! Hence my new addiction to ff!!!
Get well wishes to Jen, thinking of you hun. Hoping it's not too sore now? It'll only get better from here on in!
Love and   to all you absentees!
Lot's of love Cindersxxx
p.s night time big girl knickers not going so well! Need any practical advice available!! Am lifting her out for wee about 10.30pm. No drinks before or at bedtime. A bannana before bedtime. (something to do with potassium and fluid shifts!) potty by her bed. Wee before lights out, anything else?!


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## lainey-lou

Hello all

Thanks for your support Cinders, it is much appreciated.  I know we are all in the same boat on here but I just believe that one day you will all be successful and I won't, I don't know why.  Maybe I should see that woman!!

They haven't said anything about my eggs yet but I know high FSH can be a sign of dodgy eggs.  I have an appointment with St George's clinic in Raynes Park in June and they will do a scan on my ovaries to check my egg reserves before we decide whether to do IVF/IUI or not.  They do something called natural IVF, where they don't give you drugs but just collect your one egg each month and fertilise that and put it back.  I thought that would be a good option for me because of my FSH levels.  We will just have to wait and see.  I  would like to do something else before adoption  because I wouldn't want to look back and regret not trying everything.

Pand - thank you too for the support and        I know how you feel re: dp.  It was my 7th anniversary of Sunday and dh didn't even get me a card, how's that for complacency!!  I haven't forgiven him yet.  Men, can't live with them, can't shoot them     Good luck with the op, we will be thinking of you.

Jen - we miss you, come back soon.  Hope you are feeling ok.

Hi to Missyb, Maz (thanks for your message too), Suszy, etc,etc

Speak to you all soon.

Love Lainey xx

ps - Cinders, sorry, don't have any tips re nighttime wee wees


----------



## Guest

hellloooooo 

Lainey hun, are your fsh level constantly raised? its just that i know that a few girls on here have had high fsh levels that have dropped again 

cinders, no drugs yet, monday   .
Brandon loved karate, he gets his white pj's next weds, £25 per month   he deserves it tho, he's kinda been put on the back burner cos of all this IF crap 

i dunno what to suggest for the piddle problem, maybe a cork?  how old is she? maybe you could get her a special alarm clock to wake her up a bit later than 10;30 to go potty, then praise her loads if theres anything in the potty in the morning?

pand, didn't you know im already mad    









love n hugs to everyone i missed


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## lainey-lou

Hi Maz - my FSH has been tested three times on consecutive months and the results were as follows, month 1 - 15, month 2 - 7, month 3 - 15.  What does that say I am confused

Glad Brandon enjoyed karate, I know what you mean about them missing out because of IF, it is nice to spoil them sometimes.

L x

PS hi to sam - missed you off last time


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## SUSZY

Firstly

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAND_

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you dear Pand
Happy Birthday to you

so sorry we all missed it (you should have reminded us) did not realise we were so close in birthdays and of course we are both Taureans - must be why we get on so well and you forgave me for teachers comments.
By the way my little one is reading to whole class tomorrow, he has done so well and I think the observations about some of them not reading as much as the others that a few of us made have really paid off. Really proud of him, he loved the book because it had a campervan in it.
You know I had a blazing row with my dh the night before my birthday and it was the same thing I thought he had not got me anything because he is not used to a fuss in his childhood anyway it was quite a bad one where he called me a spoilt *****! I was really really crying but in the end he did quite well and you think you just have to get on with it. I was spoilt again by my mum and friends (although there are a couple that forgot) I am so sorry to have missed yours though.
I would still like to meet up sometime as worcester not that far!
So pleased about the news on your op although its pretty close - that consultant is obvioulsy brilliant.

Cinders re the weeing - trying to think because it sounds like you are doing everything - 
is she worried about something? is she having bad dreams ? are you getting stressed and its effecting her (I get stressed all the time if he does not do something so I am not saying that I don't but perhaps too much emphasize) Of course have you tried the old incentive/bribary - get a nice toy if dry for one night/two nights etc etc 
I know its a pain as I remember it well because even though he did it quite quickly for ages he still wet the bed.
Have you posted on a thread (not sure which about it)Good luck
The hypnotist you went to see sounds good, you know I used to drive three hours to my acupunturist - its the things we do at the time so convinced its going to work or help.

Missby hope you ok and Jen hope you come back soon when you are able.

Lainey Lou - sweetheart - what can I say other than been there done that got the t shirt (just cannot remember it as one of my birthday cards said) we all so relate to how you are feeling and its totally alright and you have got to allow yourself this time.
Honestly we have all been to hell and back on this journey and its worse when people get preg other than on here of course.
I think if everyone else could have stood still I would have just enjoyed it all but its when their second are now 2 and 3 and they are on their third babies that it pisses me off. I think Clommid does horrible things to you because every month after that I would cry, as I have said before now I really think that its not going to work each month (although there is always that glimmer) that way it is not such a let down. Its such a bloody sod and i wish we could do something but we are all beavering away doing what we think is best and luckily now we have this site as tremendous support. I know for me the sun is helping me feel better and now that I have my head around the Ed thing although I know that will not be smooth and its a pain waiting for the letter now but its taken me since end of Nov to get to that stage and I am afraid to say I did drink and eat a lot in that time but its what i needed to keep me sane.
as we all say some people are very sensitive and caring and others are not they are down right inconsiderate but am sure they will have cumuppance (not sure how to spell) one day.
Sorry should know how old you are but I would say IVF or the whole ed thing or adoption see that has not helped.
I wish we had gone for ivf two years ago and not done clommid and iui but at the time ivf seemed so drastic and Ed was something I had not really considered but now I am really into it. I am lucky and have found an incredible donor but also the abroad ones sound good or an eggshare one. perhaps just start considering the ED but go for IVF??
such a hard one i certainly would not bother with clommid but thats after six months of the horrid stuff.
hope that helps and sorry if been a bit too blunt but think we have to be sometimes.
we all care about you and we are all here for you - just be kind to yourself and take your time and remember we all love you.

Maz still cannot get used to your new name!sorry you were talking to yourself I am trying not to come on here in the day as it takes so much time and also trying not to come on here all night - love being on here but need to try and shorten time sometimes, also have a abit to do at the mo as going away on friday for a few days for step fathers 60th and have to pack.
hope the karate went well. mine has started footie at school and because of the nice weather I really love it.

Samblue - whre are you
HI to michelle
must go now take care girls and speak soon
love susie


----------



## Guest

thats strange lainey, cos below 8 is ok. i think (dont take my word for this) that ovarian reserves are only low if fsh stays high, yours is giving mixed messages.
do a search on here for high fsh and see what you can find cos like i said ive seen posts where peoples have been as high as yours then dropped back to normal levels, also i THINK stress has something to do with levels  not 100% sure on that but im sure i read it.

i would do a search for you but im gonna go to bed now cos this little princess is tired   

night night









oh and girls, 







love maz xxx


----------



## SUSZY

ps he did not say spoilt women but something beginning with b but its a naughty word so sorry about that but it heard at time (even if it was a little true) we all deserve it.
Pand - go out and buy youself something really really nice, i was lucky mine was on a sat but already worked out that next year its going to be monday which is not going to be so good.!


in reply to Maz glad we are all friends too


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Susie

Thanks for the lovely message.  Yes, your advice has helped and sort of confirms what I already thought myself.  I have stopped clomid and think I may try IUI but only one or two gos and then go on to IVF.  I am definitely considering de and feel very envious that you have found a lovely donor, what a great person she must be.  I think you are right, I should get my skates on and not waste time on things I don't think will work. 

Maz - I have looked into FSH and yes, below 8 is normal.  That is why I am so confused.  I know that stress is also a factor.  But how do you stop being stressed  The million dollar question.

I love you lot, I don't know how I would get through this without you.  We are becoming quite a close little family on this thread.  It is really comforting to have you all to turn to.    

Night night 

Lainey xx


----------



## cinders35

ohmygod, you've all been type type type!!! You've missed the apprentice!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so good, Paul got fired and he totally deserved it! You don't watch it do you?! You should!!!!!I don't think about babies for an hour, and want to become high flying executive for Sir Alan Sugar!!!!
Good to "see you" Suze, think I might have to start rationing my time on here too! Or do typing course so type faster?!
Lainey, it is so strange that you feel you will be only one on here who won't get pg, cos I think that all you guys will be pg and I won't! It freaks me out when people post things that I truly could have posted myself!! Try not to be so "down" about your eggs, as until they've got one under the microscope I don't think they can know about the quality! You may find you are making great eggs! 
I think you will feel a lot more positive when you have had your appointment in june! Think 2 raised fsh levels is inconclusive, and you will know more after scan. Good idea to do search! All is not lost Lainey. Think you will have a good chance of success!
Sorry I am waffling on!!!
Tired!
Nnight, sweet dreams,
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Guest

oh jenny        

it must have been a tough decision for you babe, if you are sure thats what you want then sure we will all understand that you cant be here with us (i mean i want you to stay but you said you feel you cant )
please dont be a stranger to us jenny, we will all......








    

loads of love n hugs, maz xxx


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## TC2

Hi All

Have not run away to circus am still here.... Just had to reply to Laisney - I had lots of nice 6 and below FSH until we started the ICSI then they were 10 and over...i didnt even feel that stressed! I did some searching and you will find what i did, they fluctuate anyway and stress or just being 'run down' will make a difference.  The month we did our ICSI cycle my FSH was 12 and i still stimmed alright and got 8 mature eggs which all reached blastocyst so i dont think you can just go on FSH as an indicator...i was worried about my eggs but it turned out ok for me  it will for you. 

 to everyone else....

Teena x


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## cinders35

Jen, didn't see that one coming!  
You are the second ff to call it a day in 2 weeks! Very tough decision, I know it can't have been an easy one. We will miss you here, and really wish you well. Hope you make a good recovery from op. We are all a bit like ships that pass in the night, (in a non romantic kind of way!) on our individual fertility journeys! I'm glad that my ship crossed paths with yours!! It was both a privilege and pleasure to "meet" you.
Very best wishes for a happy future,
Love cindersxx


----------



## SUSZY

oh girls I feel tears springing to my eyes.
I am so sorry Jenny that you are leaving but do understand that its a huge decision to have made and you need to put your health first, its a difficult one because quite a lot of time we don't talk about fertility issues and in the girl and boy talk area people post all sorts of things and there is also a place where people have given up can go and chat so do think about checking those areas sweetheart.  Whatever you decide to pop back and see us.  can so relate the weight issue, pehaps we could start a thread about weight and you could come and see us on there??

We are all like one big family and we are all here for each other and thats great and I love the way Tc2 comes back to chat to us too.

Girls I am so tired as helped out at school today painting 30 pots for sunflower seeds with 29 kids then shopping to town for second day in row looking for pressies, have had to pack, go out and vote, do some errands and still have finished the card thing I was doing.  i was also supposed to be going out tonight but have spent abit of time on here instead.

so I am afraid this is really short and sweet just hope you are feeling better Lainely -lots of love to you and 
Love to you all  Cinders, Maz, tc2, Pand, Samblue, Michelle and all the other ladies who not posted for a while like Kelway etc
am away til monday have a good bank hol weekend and good luck to you all.
will miss you over the next few days
love
susie


----------



## emilycaitlin

Jenny, that was such a brave decision to make.  I wish you lots of happiness in the future, whatever you do in life


----------



## sarylou

Jenny i am so sorry you are having to leave ttc and will miss you loads.   xxxxxxx

Hello to everyone else. Hugs to all those that need them xxxxx

quick update on our ttc im now on the clomid.        I feel so much better knowing that i am trying something that may end in good luck. Im sure when af arrives i will be super down but hey. 
So far no side effects. Infact my cm is going into overdrive but thats a whole other post pmsl. 

Sorry i havent been around what with last months sadness etc. 
I hope everyone is doing ok.


----------



## missyb

evening ladies! i spent ages pouring over a message only to have technical problems and i wiped the whole bloody lot!!!

i'm sorry that i've been off the scene for a while, i have been reading the postings and seeing the pain and emotions that all have you have been through, and i just havent known what to say. i feel so bad as i have been consumed by whats been going on in my own life. anyway, i hope you still love me.

cinders (thank you for your pm) i will be stalking you again in no time!

jen my heart goes out to you and your dp. your post made me want to cry.

lainey and suzy thank you for thinking of me!

hi pand, laura and anyone else ive missed.

amanda xx


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## honeyprincess

Hey Girlies 

Hope your all fine?

Omg Jenny i dont know wat 2 say, i understand it would take ALOT to come to that desicion all i can say i good luck and will miss u xxxxxxxxxx 

Hey Sarah good luck on the clomid    I hope your ok havent spoke 4 ages!

Amanda Dont worry i think we all get like that sometimes, well i know i do, wen im finding it hard to cope its difficult 2 help others feel better?!  I still love ya x

Love you all 

Laura x

ps where is kelway~(jo)?


----------



## missyb

hi laura thanks for that i think you hit the nail on the head. im usually quite good at being encouraging even though i feel pants but i kinda lost my mojo a bit. im a bit better now though. btw good luc for your appointment.


mwah.

amanda xx


----------



## honeyprincess

Thanks Amanda, im getting nervous now but ill be glad wen the day comes so we will know wats ahead!


Love ya 
Laura xx
ps im here if u ever wanna pm me...thats goes 2 u all! x


----------



## Guest

hello hunnies  

just thought i should post so you dint think i had gone awol   

i start dr tomoro, my appt is at 12  so im staying busy.
we went dudley museum today, well what a load of rubbish! and now dh and ds are watching some 70's program on dvd, hes just informed me that its called dukes of hazard, well sorry its a little bit before my time   (if i say that i still feel young!  )

ok now im babbling so i'll be off for now.
loads n loads of love n hugs to you all, maz xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
Just feeling really lucky to have dd. Am feeling so sad about little Madelaine in Portugal, I am not really a religious person but I hope and pray for her safe return to her family. It is a terrible world that we live in sometimes. I just don't want to let dd out of my sight at the mo. Poor dd!!! I'm sure you guy's have been touched by it too.
Hope you are all ok,
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## emilycaitlin

I know, it's really bothering me about her, I think with dd being the same age, it's just horrible to think what she is going through, and I can't even begin to imagine what the parents are feeling.  I don't want to let dd out of my sight at the mo either, keep hugging her all the time.


----------



## sarylou

Amanda of course we still love you hun xxxx Hope everything is ok hun x

Laura hiya chick, good luck for your appointment. 

Maz good luck for today hun xxx

Suszy hope your ok hun also. xxx

Another update on the old ov signs- Way TMI
Yesterday just as we were  I got up to change postions and i had a huge amount of ewcm just hanging  it went from you know where to my thigh!!!! I have never had ewcm to this extent before-normally if i have on my finger it snaps before i can pull them far apart. Im glad i can share this with you lol. How  
Right best get back to work i suppose-no rest for the wicked. xxx
Love sarah xxx


----------



## Guest

sarah thanks for that hunnie      ive had it before when ive sat on the toilet but i cant tell you what cd it was cos i just gathered it was normal anyway and didn't think to check the date  

well i did it! my first injection over and done with   and i did it all by myself like a big girl    

i hope you are all ok, im sure i will be back later, hugs, maz xxx


----------



## cinders35

ewww....   sarylou you so funny!!!
Guess the clomid is working then!!
You are not alone, I usually notice it in the loo. Hope it didn't put you off!!
Go maz   go maz   go maz  
Wel dun you big brave girl! You feeling menopausal yet?!
Love Cindersxx


----------



## Guest

cinders, no not yet   i have been tired but i think thats down to a restless night and getting up at 7. 
at least i'l have a good excuse when i moan at dh  

quick question, i start drinking milk when im on stimms right? i really cant stomach it yet ive only just managed to drink 2 litres of water a day and im still getting up in the night to pee  

hugs, maz xxx


----------



## cinders35

Yeah, think the milk is for stimming. Not sure but some people do pineapple juice and brazil nuts also. Think the ivf thread ladies will be up on what to take and when. I didn't eally realise all ths when I did my cycle! Cat is jumping all over keyboard!!!
Anyway, hope this helps. 
We have review appointment tommorrow. So should have a plan soon!
Love Cindersxx


----------



## Guest

good luck for tomoro         
i hope they come up with a good plan for you hun  

im not doing the pineapple but i will do the brazil nuts. i dont want to go over the top with a whole new diet cos i know i will get stressed and that wont be good hey!

so i will do milk once i start stimms (and stick to the water) then brazil nuts on 2ww  

hugs, maz xxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
Am back from my trip to France and we all had a lovely time and my step father had a great birthday and we all enjoyed the break.

Sarylou - its so nice to see you back and glad you are feeling better and more positive and at least on clomid as you say you feel like you are doing something, if I remember back think on clomid you do get a lot of that anyway good luck and sorry you have been in  a black hole for a while as I know exactly how that feels.

MIssb- sorry you been a bit down too - I know when you are full of despair its hard to know what to write to others but we are all here for each other.

Think .

Maz - good luck and well done on the injections.- are you going to do a diary?

Cinders- good luck with the review appointment and let us know how it goes

Honeyprincess- good luck for your appointment - let us know how you get on Kelway/JO is having a break and trying to think of other stuff but do miss her

Emily caitlin - hope you doing ok, we only just found out about that little girl today what with being away and its sounds so awlful.

Lainey - how are you doing honey - please post again soon - I am not very good at getting my skates on and have taken since mid nov to decide on ed and now I am waiting for a letter from the clinic I want to be reffered to which is nearer my donor.  I am still waiting and don't even know if its gone because I asked for a copy and have not got one. I just get so fed up as you have all this heartache and break and then make a decision and then you are in their hands and I know they deal with lots of people but it just makes me so mad that it takes so long.  I am thinking of starting to phone them every day!

Pand - what are you up to sweetheart??

TC2 - hope you are doing ok too.

Jenny - hope you are ok

Hi to everyone else and just hope you are all doing ok and wishing you luck.
REally have to start my diet and more exercise as have put a few pounds on again, I just cannot seem to get it into my head even though I know its really important, I think after nearly four years my subconcious is thinking whats the point but I really really want to do it for myself as well so wish me luck.

take care girls
love
susie


----------



## Pand

Hi girls,

Jenny - I'm so sorry you are leaving.  Your message was heart rending.  I want to say don't give up but you must have been over and over that in your own head, and I think you have made a really brave decision.  I wish you the very best of luck hun.  Come back and visit and let us know how you get on.  We will be thinking of you.

Maz-  Well done you on your injections!!! You can give me some advice if we end up going down the old IVF path!  I think you are very brave!  Onwards and upwards!

Suzy - Glad you had a nice time in France!  I took your advice and went shopping on Saturday and spent a fortune!  Feeling much better about my  birthday now!  Plus hubby sorted out and took me out for dinner then we went to see Spiderman 3 so I think he has grovelled enough now!  I'm not surprised you were tired after your busy day!  I feel like that at the end of every day!  I absolutely love working with kids but my goodness they wear you out!

Hi to everyone else!  Amanda its lovely to hear from you again.  We all have times when we don't feel strong enough to help others but that's what we are all here for.  You don't have to be positive all of the time.  Come and talk if you are down flower.  We will do what we can to lift you back up.

Cinders, TC, Missyb and anyone else who I've forgotten sending you all lots of hugs!

Well a quick update from me.  Think I told you about my op appointment to have the hydro removed is next Thursday (17th).  I've got my pre-op on Wednesday and I'm counting down the days.  Part of me is really excited, part of me is terrified.  I'm terrified they will find my right tube is a mess as well, I'm terrified they won't be able to do it via a lap and they will cut me open again, I'm terrified that even if it does go well it still won't work.... then what will I do?  But at least I will have some answers and I will be able to worry about the reality instead of the possibilities!  It's a good job the appointment came so soon, I would be a gibbering wreck if it was any longer.

Anyway, must toddle off now, I'm trying to persuade my hubby to share some of his chocolate!

Love and hugs to everyone.

Amanda


----------



## honeyprincess

Ello Girlies
Sarah:   Omg You r funny, but im glad u said it, i had it b4, so wen is it ment 2 happen like wen u ov or wat? Im so clueless!

Maz:   Well done on doing ya jab yaself, u r much braver then me, I said if i hav 2 hav jabs then OH wud hav 2 do it, i am a wimp wen it cums 2 needles!

Cinders:   Goodluck with your appointment 2moz! 

Suszy: Hope you hear from the clinic soon, i know the waiting is awful thank god 4 this wonderful site 2 keep us sane! I can sort of relate to u, you say u need to diet well i need to quit smoking!! Maybe we cud support each other, but i know wat u mean u end up thinkin oh wats the point! I have got 2 read my new book' Paul Mckenna quit smoking' I know he does a book on loosing weight too?
I did weightwatchers after i had Emily and it was horrible its like starving urself, but my mum does slimming world and said that is good, anyway ill shut up now u prob dont even need to loose much anyway do u?


Hope every1 else is ok?
Thinking of u Jo! xxxxxxx


----------



## honeyprincess

Oh u Amanda u posted as i did....Good luck with the opp     try to keep busy till then and just try to think positivly!!!

Love Laura xxxx


----------



## Guest

just a quickie, 

jo, i thought dh would have to do them for me too, but it really is easy and only stings a little bit  

pand the only advise i can give is what a got told today, inject slowly else you get a big painful bruise  
try not to worry about your op too much hun, take each day as it comes otherwise you will make yourself i'll   im sure you will be fine hun 

susie, i will do a diary for 2ww sweetie. good luck with the diet    

loads of love to the rest of you, gotta get brandon school


----------



## sarylou

Afternoon ladies. 

Mazz well done hun on injections. I couldnt do that.    also yucky at the milk drinking-i dont touch the stuff as it makes me sick. Much braver than me. x

Cinders i try looking on my loo paper but when oh does the shopping he buys lary coloured paper and i cant see anything on it pmsl. I said last week in sainsburys we need plain paper so i can check cm i dread to think what people thought   
Also I hope today is a positive review and you come away with a plan xxxx    

Suszy welcome home. Im glad step dad enjoyed himself-where abouts did you go. We always say we want to go to France. Specially euro disney lol. Missed you hun. good luck with the diet xxxxx

Pand i really hope the op comes round quick for you-its horrible counting down the days and hours. I hope it all goes smoothly for you-im sure it will.   

Laura hellos hun. Ive never had it like that before. But i do think that the clomid is doing the job. 

Hope everyone is ok. Its blustery today-great for my washing   except my machine is on the blink and waiting until the 21st for enginer.   luckily mum lives a few mins walk so i have been using her brand new one.   
Ive been keeping busy up mums allotment and busy potting up lots of veggies in the garden. I love it really chills me out. Will try and post some piccys. x


----------



## SUSZY

Afternoon girls, its been busy on here which is nice.
I am coming on here early girls as going to a reiki exchange tonight and I am doing Reiki 2 this weekend.  Think it will be really good for me, had meditation this am which was good and have impressed myself by going to local market town for my fruit and veg and milk and bakers for bread and only nipped into Tescos for a few bits, I did not use any paper bags for my fruit and veg and I reused carrier bags in tescos so am feeling pleased with myself.
Although I love coming on here and still will need to cut down my time a little so won;t be on here til tomorrow.
Thanks for all your good wishes re my diet, do appreciate it, have bought a fridge load of fish but did have bread and tersamalta for lunch - I read it in a book for being healthy but that was with veg!!!
Anyway good luck Pand with the preop tomorrow and the op on Wed really hope its a success and is good news.
Sarylou - we went to Nimes and it was lovely and the flights were really cheap and there was so much to do with sightseeing Roman ruins, the camargue with the wild horses and bulls and the beach, it was generally a lovely area and my dh and I loved it as did my step father and mum and little boy.  One of the advantages of having one five year old is that you can do that sort of thing.  Its very windy and rainy here too and such a change from last week.
Maz keep up the good work re the injections and I will check for your diary when you start it.
Honeyprincess - I know ww is hard work I did it after ds was born and lost 2 stone but I was still feeding and now I am heavy than I was then, its so easy to eat and drink but so hard to lose it but I really must.  I look pg now with a great big tummy and its the top bit that I hate now as well.

Cinders, Lainey, Tc, Emily caitlin, Kelway, Missyb(hi Jenny if you are reading this) love and luck to you all.
speak again soon and good luck Pand.
cinders and honeyprincess hope your appointments went ok

love susie


----------



## cinders35

Hi everyone,
Hope you are having a good reiki exchange Suszy, though not entireley sure what that is! You are being very green, very commendable. Impressed! 
Maz, hope you feeling ok? 
Sarylou, think I will swap to Leary loo paper then, (mine white!) don't want to look at cm! Ewwww....  
Hi Pand, good luck for tommorrow and for 17th!   
Hi to all you awolers! You know who you are!!!!! 
We had review appointment today after ivf bfn. Basically last ivf cycle went well, just didn't end up pg!!! For next treatment they are going to tweak stim drugs slightly, embryo transfer was "difficult" that's why it hurt then! Thought I was being a woos!!! But they will use different instrument, oh joy!! Hopefully it will be better. Don't think it effected the outcome though. Consultant was excellent, I went in with long list of questions. Most of which he answered before I had a chance to quick fire them at him! I do feel reassured. He was surprised that I had never had a laparoscopy, and said if next cycle fails, it might be worth having a "look around". He is the first person to ever suggest this and I am glad that at last someone seems interested in my innards!!! But with my history of successful pg, he thought we should go ahead and have anther go. So it is up to us now. They like us to have 3 bleeds post treatment cycle, so next af in a couple of weeks will be 3rd. We are hoping they can fit us in to start then. So I may well be back on ivf rollercoaster quite soon. Not feeling as excited as last time, as now I have a failure behind me. But must try and summon up some positive vibes from somewhere!     
We are going to try and keep this cycle more discreet, I'll let you know how _that_ goes! What with me and my infertility tourettes syndrome!!!   
The only bit I am really dreading is the 2ww again. Got to try and come up with a coping strategy for that!
Still worrying about little Maddy in portugal. Have told dd about it. Not full blown details. Just hope I haven't scared her too much. It's a difficult balance to get right I think. I want her to be aware of stranger danger, but not too scared to live life!! By the way we had a week of wet beds, with no sign at all of any progress. I don't think she was ready. Still, now I can tell mil that I tried!!! Dd has gone back into pull ups at night,we will try big girl knickers again when she starts showing some signs of being dry at night.
Well that's enough inane waffle from me!
Love to all  
Cindersxxx


----------



## TC2

Hiya all

Maz - Well done on the injections, they hurt less as time goes by, i only had one of the stimming ones that reallly hurt and took me by surprise, it must have hit a nerve i think!  Just wanted to say that i think the diet bit when you are stimming and 2ww is very important.  The milk when stimming is for protein and i stuck to the protein rule of 60mg a day - i didnt drink all the milk but got my protein through other food.  Its easy now as most foods have protein content listed on it (eg baked beans are 9mg for a tin).  Your eggs need protein to form and when stimming that means you need more - i ended up with eight great eggs (had to be fully mature for ICSI) and all our 8 embies made it to day 6 blasts! When on 2ww i made sure i ate well thats all and tried to eat a normal balanced diet.  Good luck with it all  for you.  Other things i did (because i wanted to keep all options covered) were when stimming; rest (lots - your body is working hard), hot water bottles on your tummy to encourage uterus lining and eggs and along with this visualising the follies growing and developing - i carried that on after ET with lots of rest for 24hrs feet up and visualising our precious embies implanting and growing.  Who knows what works and what doesnt - we only had enough money for one try so i threw everything at it so i could never say 'what if?' i am sure it made me feel positive about it all too.

Anyway have gone on for ages now, so will stop.  Ive got a scan on friday and cant wait to see them and how much they will have grown, really feeling blessed now that we are reaching a 'safer' place of 12 weeks! but had forgotten about all the pregnancy stuff - feels like the first time again....    My belly is growing already and its not doughnuts as ive felt far too sick for them or chocolate!

Love to everyone - checking on you all often and ho0ping you join me soon.......  

Teena x


----------



## samblue

Hi girls,
sorry i've been away for a bit, stuff going on & 'making like an ostrich'

All going horribly wrong on the ttc front. Had my cons appointmnt at St Mary's yesterday, saw one of the big docs. Came away feeling very hopeless   Coz my fsh levels are high/irregular he won't giv me Clomid coz my levels are high anyway (due to my eggs being a bit 'had it', my words, not his), also said that ivf would probably be the same and suggested that we keep trying for natural conception!!!!!  I'm swinging between complete anger and complete dispair.
My last mc was 3 years ago, if i havn't had a bfp since then wot chance hav i got now?  
DH SA was ok, not brill but ok, so i was in such a bad mood i was even thinking well i bet he feels better now, knowing its not his fault. not fair i know
Doc said to keep trying and go back in 6 months, agreed that we didnt fit criteria for nhs ivf (due to 17 yr old DD), and said that we could try it if we really wanted to but we'd have more chance of sucess with natural! Great  We came home, DH was trying to help by saying the right things, but i just felt like he was give me a verbal slap round the face, pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself, sort of talk (if that makes sense?). Needless to say I lost my temper with him, but i don't see how he can see it from my point of you. Tried to explain that i'm facing never feeling a baby inside me again, difficult for a man i guess?

And even before we went yesterday, has some really sh*tty news at the weekend, SIL is 24 wks gone, just announced it as lost previous ivf quite late. Felt like i'd been kicked in the guts. (sorry, its good news for them obviously, feel bad coz no-one likes her, but why does she get the baby? i'm a nasty person)

 xxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi Sam,
Glad you are back. Blimey what a c**p day you had yesterday! What an insensitive prat,   you're eggs are precious, had it or not!! Are you in a position to go private for ivf? What if you tried natural ivf? At least you would know with either of these that you can/can't get to embryo stage then. An expensive way to find out. I know it's quite drastic, and early days to mention, but would/could you consider donor eggs? Hope to god am not being insensitive here? Just wallop me one if I am! 
The other thing is, would a different dr have a different opinion? We go to see these people to gain from their expertise,so the possibility exists that he could be right, but the possibility also exists that he could be wrong. Medicine, and particularly fertility is not black and white, and not an exact science. Would you think about a 2nd opinion?
You are clearly, and justifiably upset and angry just now. With regards to DH, the male species have a very different take on this (and everything else in life!) to us, and he probably was just trying to help! Not knowing that he was digging himself deeper and deeper in it! Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him, he is after all, a man!!!!!!  We do need to nurture our relationships, and try to remember that (without all this infertility prodding & poking around!) we are trying, with the love that we share to make a baby. 
Lastly Sam, and definitely NOT least, you are not a nasty person!!!! This burning desire for a baby when not satisfied, has a profound effect on us! We normally nice, kind, level headed ladies transform into complete monsters of the green eyed species!!! When we are faced with things like you faced with SIL,these feelings just bubble up from the pits of our stomach, like an uncontrollable volcano of dispair, spilling out our hurt and pain. We are horrified by our own reactions and feelings, as we are reminded only to clearly of our inability to achieve this one simple thing.
I know with time these feelings will start to subside. We have ALL been there so many times!
Now, not sure what "making like an ostrich" means? So cannot write an essay on that! Disappointed girls?! 
I don't half go on a bit sometimes! At least I am aware of my own weaknesses!!!! 

Hi Teena, great to hear from you, and to know that everything is going well for you. We hope to be joining you too, but it's sometimes a long haul this eh? I will defo be poaching some of your tips though! Ta! 
Love to everyone else,  
Cindersxxx


----------



## samblue

Thanks cinders,
its amazing how this place can make you feel better (only slightly at the mo, but every little helps!)
Can't feasibly afford private ivf (DH did say that if we need it then he would find the money somehow, i told him not to be daft)  Have read thread on natural ivf this evening, had never heard of it until today. I must admit it does seem like it could be the tiniest flicker of hope, but then the sensible (pessimistic) side of my brain doesn't like getting its hopes up - bored of playing that game now. Have briefly discussed donor eggs with DH but he's not keen, his idea is having a baby with me, not someone else and i'm not sure how i feel about it, not totally comfortable, think it might not feel part of me (and definately not part of DD) but i suppose it would be like adopting my DH's child. I do have serious jealousy issues though so i think it would take some serious soul-searching. You're not being insensitive, btw, it's nice to have advice/talk it through with someone who knows whats going on.
Not sure what to do bout the doc, he seemed to make sense (just not what i wanted to hear) and i agree with what he said to an extent, i think i'm just more angry at the injustice of it all.
DH and i am cool today, i know he was only trying to help, but they can never win can they! I do feel slightly distant from him though, like i've built this wall around myself to stop it all hurting (sorry, gonna make myself cry again if i'm not careful), feel like i'm several different people and its happening to someone else.  I can't deal with my own pain so i can't even think about his (that nasty person thing again!)
I think i'l stay away from SIL for the time being, don't get on with her at the best of times, so seeing her now would be a mistake. I know i'l have to face her eventually, but hopefully i'll be feeling stronger by then.
'Making like an ostich' - burying my head in the sand! Not sure where it came from, not even sure if they really do it, but it's a phrase thats been used in our house for years! Basically hiding away and hoping that the nasty stuff will just go away...it doesn't, obviously.
Thankyou for your kind words, i feel like a drama queen now when i think of what everyone else has gone through/is going through, but i think its because i almost had a bit of hope for a while and now i feel that its all gone again, it makes me sad.
My beautiful, talented, clever, funny, adorable, practically perfect DD is 17 on Saturday so i have to keep it together for her, we've bought her a car, so it's going to be tears and screams all round! (Then i think back to where i was 17 years ago...)
Take care to all of you, sorry for the rambling, will be back together soon, hopefully, thanks cinders for caring and making me feel like i'm not alone.
night all,
luv sam xxxx


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## sarylou

Sam huge hugs to you hun you really are bearing the brunt of it arent you xxxxxx

Hello to everyone else. 
There was another new born at the school today being pawed at.  
I also found my old video tapes of ds as a baby and so that has made me so damn broody. 
My ovaries are in overdrive it feels-major cramping and throbbing going on. We havent had sex for 2 days and now im worried we ve missed out.      

Grr why is making a baby so bloody hard? x


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls, sorry did not get on here yesterday, went to get weighed and dh on comp for the rest of the night.
lost half a pound although it could have been the clothes which quite good considering I had that long weekend in france but hopefully will get back on track now.
I did pm you Sam blue because I so feel for you and its quite similiar to what happened to us back in Nov after our failed IUI although a week or so previously a nurse at the clinic had said that ivf with donor eggs can have to 60% success rate compared to the low uner 10% we were getting.  (never very good with % so may have this bit wrong) I had started to think about it and had many many worries pretty much like you but because I had discovered FF I just searched on here and read lots of stories and pmd people who had used donor eggs and were about to and they were all brilliant and I read many stories about the donor egg that would not be anything without your dhs sperm, how we would be the ones to nourish it with our blood and bodies and how we would carry it the whole nine months (if we were lucky) so really its not like adopting as it would be your own having grown and been nutured by you. There are also many debates about what to tell the child and other people so just have a look.  I have had many many hours, weeks, and months thinking about it and am very lucky to have an excellent donor and despite my dh initial worries we are both 100% for it now, of course you can go to Spain for anaymous donors.  I think it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that my eggs were old I am now 43 and as the consultant kindly pointed out those eggs were made when I was in my mums womb so they are even older, I think they were just about ok when I had my ds at 37 but my 2 m/c at 39 must have been down to the quality of the eggs and then the fact there has not been a dicky bird since.  anyway if you need any more info go to abroadies or donor egg,
What ever you do don't rush, just take your time and you need to mourn what you are going through now and this IF is a big strain on all our relationships and we have been through the mill and we rarely talk about it but I just come on here and speak to you lot.
This site and this thread are really good and supporting each other and cheering us up when we feel blue.
Its quite natural to feel envious of people who are preg we have all done it and its great we can come on here and share those feelings with the rest of us.

Pand thinking of you and hope its all going well, fingers crossed and come back when you can.

tc2 lovely to hear from you and glad things going well.

Cinders - I think those review appointments after a bfn are so hard and I just hope you can start after this next af and really good luck with it, at least you have had a little break from it but as we all know its such a rollercoaster. I have done very well with keeping our news discreet (other than when I first came out of appointment and told a couple of people we were considering egg donor) since then have told no one up here and just two friends and my mum and dad so that has been a lot better.  I have had a few people ask and it feels quite liberating to say that we are keeping it to ourselves and I hope they don't think its effecting our friendship - its just how I have chosen to do it.  the two I have told I have known for 20 and 30 years and both have had several m/c and one is in exact pos of me with age of first, m/c etc so I know they really can relate to what I am saying. anyway good luck at keeping it quiet.

Sarylou - don't worry about missing 2 days don't forget the sperm can live up to five days up thre somewhere and you have given it a fair old whack this time and hopefully it will be what it needs!

HI to the rest of you please all do try and come back soon esp you Lainey hope you ok sweetheart

love

susie


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## cinders35

Hi ladies,
Sam, hope you are ok? Good advice there from suzsy. A lot to think about, but take one day at a time!
Suzsy, thanks. Phoned clinic today, as I get so confused with what happens next, protcols, consents, booking in etc. So they have clarified it, and all being well I should be booking in after next af.
Sarylou, as long as you do  every 2-3 days you will be covered. There will be enough  swimming around to meet those lovely eggs as they are released. Chill, honestly... 

Well, totally non fertility related, but I hope you don't mind me asking?! Calling all teachers! Dd didn't get into our first choice school. So I have made an appointment to visit the head teacher of her allocated school, for another look around. I have asked a few people what I should look out for, what questions I should ask. They have said get a feel for the place, I would appreciate absolutely ANY advice, as both dp and I feel so ill equipped to make this decision,  and it is such an important one! We would even consider moving if her allocated school turns out to be complete no no. Though we would have to get our skates on!
Thanks guys,
Love to you all,
Cindersxxx


----------



## Guest

hiya girls  

cinders hun, you will know straight the way with the feel of the place, there is sooo much you can take in with your eyes, do the kids look happy? how do the teachers seem? you can ask loads of questions but no school is gonna turn around and say 'dont come here we are crap' are they (btw im not teacher bashing honest  ) the most important thing is how does dd feel about the school?
which school is it? (pm me if you rather) ive lived on both sides of town and know quite a few of the schools  

alot of you girls are having a rough time of it, im sending you loads of hugs                        
hope you all feel better soon  

ttfn  love maz xxx


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## samblue

Hi all,
boy am i glad its friday! It's been a b*gger of a week so I'm glad to see the back of it.  Mind you, the weekends going to be manic, DD 17th B'day tomorrow, still got loads to organise and got family coming round so have to attempt to get into 'domestic goddess mode' & tidy up (unlikely)
I'm feeling a bit better now, but i suspect it's because I've locked it all away in that cupboard at the back of my mind labelled 'Nasty stuff - Do not open'. Been trying not to think about it all but the worst time is last thing at night.  I feel like the last 6 months of plodding back & forth to the hospital, along with endless poking and prodding, (not to mention the last 10 years of ttc) have been a complete waste of time, we're back to square one.  Logically I know we're not really, coz we did get some answers, just no results. I'm hoping that it doesn't hit me really hard after the weekend, when all the b'day fuss and preparations are over.

Hi susie, thanks for pm, was nice to hear from someone who cares. It's bizarre to think about how many people are in a similar situation to yourself, when it happens to you it's the end of the world or you think it's something that happens to other people. Will take on board your words. & good luck to you   (well done for half pound, i'v just eaten 2 twix fingers - rebel!)

Cinders, not doing too bad hun, 'making like an ostrich' ! Think i might just turn into a 'party animal' and say s*d the world! (unlikely, 3 day hangovers, not nice) .  As far as new school is concerned hun, i would suggest asking around in local shops or something, try and find anyone who has any experience of the place, other parent's, locals etc. I would say tho, that if a child wants to learn, they'll learn anywhere! Obviously if it's a complete dump, then its a bit different, but pma!

Big hug to sarylou, we all know how frustrating it is ttc hun, life's a funny old game (that's funny peculiar, not funny ha ha), but i know the chaps on here have been a lifesaver & i've not been here long, so keep us posted and try & chill abit (easier said than done, i know!)

Hi maz, tc2 and everyone, hope life's treating you kindly. 
I've gotta go buy some party food for tomorrow (i know she's gonna be 17, but i luv choclate fingers!) and wrap up her pressies, so I'll bid you all ttfn
take care, luv sam xxx

ps keep everything crossed for me that pregnant SIL doesn't decide to visit tomorow with card for DD (unlikely, but i can't help feeling she might), can't bare the though of seeing her smug face (sorry, nasty thoughts again)  xxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Just wanted to wish you all a good weekend and lets try and forget our fertility issues and have some fun.
I have a spring fair thing I have to help at tonight and then am doing my reiki healing 2 course so will hopefully feel well chilled and better after the weekend.  I am supposed to be there now so will have to dash but just wanted to say Hi and Bye and send my love to you all.  I post on another thread and one of the girls has just got a bfn and its devestating and suddenly I realise once again how lucky we all are on here because we have experienced it once and that is so precious and such a blessing and I feel I can say it myself (although not so happy when others say it to me) but I kept thinking at least she has another one and realised she does not.  I have focused so much on what others have - ie a second child that its easy to forget what we have.

On a lighter funnier note, my DH is fed up because I had a valuation on my car and its lost a lot of value in the 5 years I have had it but mainly due to the huge mileage I have done nearly 80K and thats just running my ds around (Ok well a couple of trips to devon and scotland but not loads) anyway he is like bear with a sore head and keeps muttering about me not working! so if any of you have any ideas for a quick buck let me know!!  He is now outside mowing the lawn in the rain as the mower has been broken !!
one bit of good news we got a discount of the AA by asking so proves it worth asking.
Sorry about that just thought a bit of gen chatter.
anyway probably won't be on again til sunday night girls as all day for two days the course.
take care and speak on Sunday.
love
susie
PS Samblue Happy Birthday to your DD and have fun


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## sarylou

Im gutted we havent had sex since cd 10 and im on cd15 now. All signs of ov have gone so we have missed it. Im so angry and cross with dp. As soon as i got to cd 11 he backed off and said its like we're only having sex for that reason. He was fine having sex from cd4 till then.   

I really feel like just giving it all up. I was on such a high and positive knowing that the clomid would help but now it seems for nothing. 

None of my family or friends know im on clomid or that we need it. I feel like im destructing. God sorry this is so down but i need to get it out, i need help. 

Sorry i cant do personals today but i hope everyone is ok. Must go-work again. I just wanna stay in bed and hide. xxxx


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## samblue

Hi chaps, 
what a 'pants' day! Wet & yukky! Hope you're all doing ok.

Have a moment of peace & quiet so thought i'd pop on here quick & say hi! DD & 3 pals gone to pics to see Spiderman 3 (i wanna go!) and DH has gone to get pop-up gazebo thingy from dad's garage coz my car's a bit broken ( ) and he's gonna try and fix it, so i suggested putting up the gazebo, over the bonnet end, to try & stay a bit dry!  

DD's birthday yesterday was wicked! (but very tiring!) We all got up at 7ish coz she had her first driving lesson 8-9am, very excited! She came back, full of it, actually drove around and then drove home! Nans & grandad came round and we suprised her with her car, turquoise blue vauxhaul corsa, lots of screams, tears and a very excited kid who spent most of the afternoon sitting in it, playing her stereo and probably flattening the battery!!  (we haven't insured it for her yet coz she's got a bit iffy with her wages lately so thought we'd give her a bit of a reality check and make/help her save for it! Don't feel it's fair to hand her everything on a plate coz she'll have a nasty shock in the real world!)
Went to Harvester for lunch with grandparents and DD best pal, ate far too much and then came home!  DD went out again in evening, with 15 friends, for another meal and DH & I collapsed on sofa!
Kn*ckering but luvly day!
Can't believe my baby is now 17! She's beautiful and so precious. When she saw i was upset after the hospital on tues, she asked me what was upsetting me. I said that i think it may not be the idea of not having another baby, it may actually be that i want my time with her as a baby, back again. Does that make sense? It's almost like grieving for something you can never get back.

Hi susie, gutted bout the car!! Don't take any notice of DH, he'll get over it  I'd luv to sell my car coz it's expensive to run, but we'd lose so much money on it now, it's weighing up whether it would make more sense to cut our losses and buy a cheaper car to run or just keep going with this one?!!! Hope you're enjoying your course!

Sarylou, really feel for you hun, i know how frustrating it is. I've been trying not to become regimented about all the ttc and dates etc, though i think we may have to now.  My DH is 'up for it' whenever, fortunately   we just have to both stay awake long enough!!! I do feel less inclined for bms when i know we'v missed ov, it does seem rather pointless to me (wrong attitude i know), so i can understand your  frustration at missing it  , have to spoken to dp about it? Is he as keen on ttc as you or is he just feeling like its taken all the fun out of it?  Try not to get too down hun, talk to someone or on here, and think about treating yourself to something to distract you and cheer yourself up (retail therapy?! ) xx

Right, sorry for waffling on, DH's back now, so I'd best look like i'm doing something useful!   Likely!!
Enjoy rest of weekend,
luv sam xxx

Hi to all, cinders, lainey, maz, pand, and anyone else i'v forgotten  xxxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
how are you all doing and hope you had good weekends and that the rain did not spoil it too much

sarylou - so sorry for you sweetheart - I can quite understand how you feel and I get cross with myself when I miss it but sometimes I just feel so unlike it - take for example this weekend on Sat I know it was 6 years since we concieved ds (know because we were at a wedding and it was cup final day) and the first day of my last period was my birthday so I had thought to myself a few days ago that would be so perfect and fit so well but when it came to it I was tired from my course and went to bed early and dh was watching tv and came up hours later and I was fast asleep, I think that some months we have missed it totally but then again on clommid I tried to be so good and was always disappointed.  I think both halves of a couple get fed of bms coupled with the fact that clommid does not do nice things to ones mood - I know you are mad but try not to be too hard on him.  I think you have had a paritculary hard time of it recently and of course you have been trying for years and I can understand your frustration and wish there was something we could do to help. Samblues idea of treating yourself sounds like a great idea.
Do you think a walk/gym session/screaming at top of voice might help/getting a punch bag?
so sorry darling you are feeling like this and sending you lots of love and cuddles.

samblue - glad you enjoyed dd birthday and her face must have been a picture, my parents got me driving lessons etc for my birthday but think I had to wait til christmas for a moggy minor between my bro and me and then my 21st for a more modern car.  think you are being wise re the insurance as it gives her something to work towards.  sounds like you had a ball and good to take your mind off stuff.  so relate to you about wishing our existing childrens time as a baby back as that would be great.
Mind you he is off today with conjunctivious and although he is so good I forgot how demanding they can be at times.

its gone a bit quiet on here again and hope Pand ok your op etc last week, get back when you can to let us know how you are sweetheart

anyway hi to Maz(how are the injections going?), Cinders (any news on schools), honeyprincess, tc2, emily caitlin love to you and anyone I have missed.  (kelway - hi to you too)

Thats it from me other than I enjoyed my course but it was quite long and there was a lot of paperwork and would have liked more hands on as it were but it was still good.
Still waiting for letter and not even sure that the referral letter gone, how can it take them since 20th april to do a letter, I still do not have a copy which makes me think it has not gone, she said phone back in a week and its a week tomorrow, I am so hopping mad despite my course and it all takes such a long bloody time.
take care girls and will write more tomorrow.
look after yourself

susie


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Its gone very quiet on here, I hope you are all doing ok.
My DS is off again today and have just found out the Hmaster has it now too so just as well we did not send him back today.
Am actually going to venture out of the house today!!
just wanted you to know rang and left stroppy message on hosp answer machine and she rang back to say the letter went out on 7th so at least I know its gone and she is printing copy off for me.
so now more waiting.
not even exactly sure what waiting for assume appointment where both donor and me go
anyway will keep you posted.
am thinking of you all and hope to hear from you soon.
take care
susie


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## lainey-lou

Hello All

Sorry for the absence.  Feeling a bit lost at the moment, told husband last night that I think I need to see a counsellor as I am having real trouble dealing with IF at the moment.  Just feel soooo desperate, it is a feeling you can't put into words.  Have an ache in the pit of my stomache that seems to be there all the time.  Horrid, I want it to go away.

I have also been very affected by little Madeleine going missing, she is so similar in age to my dd and looks like her and is an Everton supporter like her so it has really shaken me up.  I haven't let her out of my sight since.  I really hope they find her soon, her poor parents must be going through hell.  I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like.

Anyway, enough of my misery............

Sam - sorry you had a horrible time at the hospital.  I am considering natural IVF cos I have highish FSH - what are your numbers?  My highest has been 15 but it has been as low as 7.  It is meant to be quite successful.  I have a hospital appointment on 8 June to discuss where we go but, if my eggs look ok on a scan, they should let me go ahead with it.  Why do you not want to consider it?  You seemed quite anti it.  Try to stay positive, doctors don't know everything and miracles still happen, that is what I keep trying to tell myself, although I don't think I am the best person to try and cheer you up cos I am quite low myself at the mo.  Glad DD had a good birthday.  I can understand how that was hard for you, i am having trouble dealing with my daughter being 4 soon!!!!

Sarylou - what a bummer!!  I hate it when that happens.  I am not surprised you are miffed about it.  As I've said before - men, can't live with them, can't kill them    I know the whole bms puts a real strain on relationships, I find it hard to muster up the energy for it these days, although it doesn't sound like your dh normally has any trouble.  Perhaps next month you should not tell him when the right time is, then he will never know.  You never know though, it could still happen this month, stranger things have happened.

Suszy - delighted to hear you should finally have a hospital appointment, let us know when it is.  Fingers crossed for you.

Cinders, Missyb, Laura, Jenny (if you're around), Jo, Emilycaitlin, Pand - hello to you all.  Where are you?  It is lonely on here without you all.

Speak soon

Lainey x


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## missyb

afternoon ladies!!! well after having a run of feeling down and not able to post i then had technical problems and couldnt! i missed it sooooo much. i was hoping to find some bfp's to spur me on. i'm sorry that there are quite a few that have been having a rough time. not much change with me although i do have a date for my colposcopy so hopefully once i get my dodgy cervix sorted i will be able to start my investigations. the wicked witch is due some time although im not too sure when... i guess any day from today to saturday. i dont feel pregnant so i guess i wont be disappointed this month.

anyway im waffling again. thank you for the kind words when i was feeling blue.

hi to cinders, maz, laura, pand, lainey, suzy, and anyone else ive missed..


love and hugs

amanda xxxxx


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## Pand

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've not been posting.  I have been avoiding thinking about ttc for a few weeks, as I am on the run up to my operation on Thursday.  I have tried desperately to keep busy to keep my mind off it, but now its nearly here I am really scared.

I am scared they won't have any beds and the op will be cancelled, I'm scared that they won't be able to do a laporoscopy and will have to cut me open completely AGAIN, I'm scared that after taking out my left tube they will find my right one is blocked and I will have to have IVF.  There are just so many things that could go wrong, and my luck over the last 18 months has just convinced me that it won't go how I want it to.

Anyway, I won't post again now until after the operation.  Sorry to do a me post, but I am at work and my head will shoot me if she sees me doing this!

Love to you all and speak soon!

Lots of love

Amanda


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## samblue

Afternoon ladies,
hope all's well. I woke up this morning thinking that it's a week since we had our hope-destroying appointment at hosp, so didn't start the day too well! It has improved slightly, but only because i hate tuesdays and i know it's nearly done!

Still feeling numb about the whole ttc thing, think maybe because we've been 'cut-loose' (told to try naturally and come back in 6 months) by hosp, i feel that we might as well give up now, coz i'm convinced nothing's going to happen.  I know that's the wrong attitude, power of the mind and all that, but i can't bring myself to start hoping again and then deal with the disappointment. Don't know what to do apart from just keep plodding on ('making like an ostrich').

Pand! poor puppy, pma pma!    , best of luck on thursday, like i said to jenny before her gall-bladder op, keep focusing on 'this time next week...it'll all be over', you won't know anything about the op and everything crossed for you that you get good news   . I remember my 3rd m/c that hosp thought was ectopic, coming round from anaesthetic and asking nurse if they'd had to take my tube! It wasn't ectopic after all, early m/c and i only had 3 keyhole holes in my guts. sending big hug    

Susie, good luck hearing from doc, it's very frustrating when you're waiting and they don't seem in any rush. keep your chin-up kiddo!

lainey, you sound so sad hun, think i know what you mean about the feeling in your stomach, i expect that most of us, on here, do.  My fsh no's were around 16-18 and then a couple of lower ones, similar to yours. I am intrigued by the idea of natural ivf and having been trying to find more info.  I think i may have sounded anti about donor egg coz don't think that's for us!  Natural ivf sounds like it could be a possibility for us, unfortunately i only found out about it (on here!) after my cons appt, and not going back for 6 months! Was tempted to try & see if they would let me go speak to someone about it coz my body clock is raging away. 6 months time will be 2 weeks after my 39 birthday. I would appreciate any info you have on it coz i'd like to know more! With my dodgy eggs, and the possibility of a reason for the m/c's now, i can't help thinking that if i could actually get pg then i might be in with a chance, just can't get pg coz of dodgy eggs! Feel like i'm chasing my tail.

Gotta pop off now, youth club tonight,  will try & get back later,
hi to missyb(chin-up hun!),sarylou,maz,cinders,tc2 and any1 else i 4got 

luv to all
sam xxx ps sorry for rambling as usual!


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,
Sorry have been awol! All is well, just have been busy. Got together with my 2 best friends on saturday for shopping, and lunch. Ended up staying overnight in B'ham. Missed home, but was lovely to have a bit of freedom! Have been swimming, helping dd to practice her tennis, and working out at the gym. Have also been making regular trips to boots to try and get famous serum for my wrinkles, no luck yet!!!
 Pand for thursday.Keeping everything crossed for you.
Samblue, sorry you are still feeling so negative. I understand, its a difficult cycle to break out of. I had hypnotherapy to try and break me out of my negative mindset, it did work for quite some time, but was not a miracle, as I am still not pg! Made me feel better though. Sending you    
Missyb, good to see you hun! We have been spending too much time together, as our cycles may be coinciding!!! Freaky!!!   (not really everyone else, just joking!) We didn't manage to ttc this month as fertile time was around when little Madeleine was abducted, and like Lainey I have been so badly affected by it, I just couldn't think about  . I am aware that this may sound melodramatic, but it is just too close to home.
Hope you are doing ok on the down regging Maz? You feeling menopausal yet? 
Dd had swim lesson today, and afterwards she managed to swim unaided about 5 metres!!!! I am so proud!!!! Quite a  . Especially as she started out so nervous in the water.
Hope you are all ok and love to everyone,
wonder how Jen is doing?
Cindersxxx 

P.s. Where are the bubbles gone?!


----------



## samblue

Hi girls, just a quickie! (knac*ered & going for a 'power nap' - as DD calls it!)

Hope you're all well, i've got belly ache  , which prob means nasty witch lady on her way, only on flaming day 20 so not good. So much for the hsg flushing everything out  
Pand, good luck for tomorrow, remember pma pma     xxxx

While i do think about it, does anyone know anything about being vegetarian & ttc?  Have looked at some of the threads on clomid (when i thought i was going to be given it ) and some have talked about having a high protein diet? Does this have something to do with maturing the eggs? My diet's not brill & have been veggie for 22 years (had no probs with DD, but you know what it's like when you're trying to think of everything...), so wondered if i increased my protein intake, it might help my 'dodgy' eggs? What do you all think?

Ok, sofa with my name on it (been a long day, with beastly children - not really, they're lovely but hyper!)
may be back later
luv sam xxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
Nice to see more of you back and so good luck for tomorrow Pand - sorry but thought you had it last week but that must have just been the pre op.
HI to Ruby if you are reading this please do post.
Sorry girls I have a rant to get out of my system then I will do a few quick personals.
I was reduced to tears this morning (some feat as I have become so hardened)
I was so hopping mad when I eventually got the copy of the referral letter that was being sent from my current hospital to the clinic I want to use that is near my donor and  this was after several phone calls to get it written and if I had not asked for a copy I would never have known it had never gone then when it arrived it had ERRORS - like the fact that it said Primary IF and did not mention my m/cs and said I was 42 - ok normally a mistake in ones age is a good thing but this guy is supposed to be the top guy the consultant the expert who when we pay does everything immediately and when we don't we have to join a long queue (although know he has his favourites). I know so many women who have seen him and got preg and they are now on their thirds and I have seen him all smarmy at the hospital (both the Countess and Nuffield) but he/they just don't seem to care.  I know they are busy and there are lots in the same position but think we should be treated with respect and common decency  I wish the whole of FF could rise up against these incompetent consultants as it happens time and time again, I knew it would happen as well as I have seen it all before.  Anyway I rang again the top nurse - his number 2 and left a real rant of a message, it was also supposed to say in the letter that I could have my tests at my local surgery and my scans at the countess  and that they would let the new clinic know the results (the new clinic said I would have to make sure of this)  so I would not have to travel.  Have not mentioned new clinic as
keeping a bit to myself as not sure how many lurk on here and not told loads of people this time what I am about to embark upon)
Anyway to cut a long story short she apologised although said it was not her fault and that she would do the letter herself and fax through to clinic (why the hell did she not do that before) I am actually taking work away from them not adding to their load.
She says I can complain to him but I know he probably does not even remember me and will have to get the notes out to check which he is obviously not very good at!  I think DH and I will do a letter/fax perhaps once we get the appointment.
So now I have to wait for the appointment which could be any time over the next 14 weeks!  I have always waited my turn, believed in the experts but time and time again I have been overlooked and I realise that unless you get a bit stroppy things don't always get done. end of rant I think.  sorry thats all very me me me but I suppose deep down one of the reasons I took so long with my decision was to avoid this type of stress and yet I should have decided months ago and I would be further down the line.
Perhaps going to Spain it would have been more straightforward in the fact they have done it before.
I just hate the way our future is in their hands and so much depends on what type of consultant you have and the fact due to sheer volume of people they just don't seem to care.

Cinders - Sounds like you had a fab weekend and just what you needed, its so nice to get away and forget about the whole baby thing and just enjoy yourself - really good for you too.  Sounds like you getting good at all the exercise, can you tell me more about that wrinkle cream, is it the one I read about where some normalish guy has made it and its quite reasonably priced and they keep running out (can you pm me with the name) I was so negative and down the early part of this year and its so hard to come out of but then one day I just did, I feel stronger for it now.  Dd did well at swimming, bet you were smiling like a cheshire cat!
not understand the bubble comment but then noticed there is a bubble fight or something tonight about giving and bursting bubbles - not sure I like the sound of it.

Samblue - I so relate to you still feeling down, it took me months to get over our shocker of an appointment, I think sometimes its just the cruel, heartless way that they say it and then dismiss you like you are not important while they get on with the next person.
I think you just need time to come to terms, give yourself a few treats and keep looking on this web site for the options and alternatives and keep hoping the miracle will happen. (and hopefully it will).  Think egg donation is something you have to get your head around and I did it by reading lots of success stories on here and realise its the only realistic chance of my ds having a sibling and now I am all for it 100%

Pand - easier said than done but try not to worry and it will all be over soon and I am sure it will be fine, I quite understand your concerns and am sending you   and will try some distant healing on you later.  good luck and thinking of you darling.
let us know how you get on even if you get dh to post for you.

Missyb - nice to hear from you and sorry about your tech problems, there is one consolation being married to a comp boff!  Glad you feeling a bit better and that you have a date to work towards, good luck with that and take care.

Lainey Lou - darling - so sorry you feeling down, its perfectly natural and all part of the horrible process of IF and we have good days and weeks and bad days and weeks and months when its like nothing can rouse us.  Not sure exactly where or when I came out of my long dark tunnel and I am almost too scared to go back and look at some of my posts because they were black black black but I suppose since we decided on the egg donation and I have something to look and aim towards I feel better as well as the weather but of course like has already happened when things start to go wrong, and if it does not work I am sure I will fall badly but then I think we will put it all behind us and get a dog.  I wish I could reach down these airwaves and give you a big squeeze and tell you it will all be alright and I will by sending you some of      and lots of   and hope you find your .  One thing I can promise is that it will get better, you will begin to feel more like your old self but it does take time and don't beat yourself up about it as YOU ARE ALLOWED to feel like this, its **** and you are allowed to be down in the dumps and its perfectly normal and then you will emerge again like a little  . I will shut up now but think you get my drift.

Love to Maz, honeyprincess, Sarylou, tc2 and to anyone else old and new (and Kelway if she still reads this)

take care and thats all for now

love

Susie


----------



## SUSZY

sorry and love and hugs to emily caitlin too.

sam blue our posts crossed - not sure being veggie - I have been a semi for about 20 odd years as well but do eat fish, not sure really as have noticed a lot about protein but then cheese/quorn/some veg /beans etc etc have protein in as well.

anyway take care my sweets - sorry it was such a long one

been in more or less for three days now and its been really nice to catch up and recoup and ds eyes better now


----------



## drownedgirl

Sorry everybody is having such a hard time.

xx


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## TC2

drownedgirl - just saw on your ticker its 1 day till ET for you.....GOOD LUCK sending you lots of    !!!!

Teena x


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## cinders35

Morning all,
Guess you are all busy looking after off spring?!
Suszy, sorry you are having these problems getting everything moving. It is so frustrating, and people don't seem to "get" the urgency we feel once we have made our decision! As for getting your details wrong, it's extremely unsatisfactory!! But by the sound of it you have put them straight on that one! It does make you kind of cynical about people and their professionalism, but chances are it was a blip. That's it, blip over. From now on everything will run really smoothly!  
Went out for dinner with some friends last night, we've been trying to get together for ages, so was nice to finally catch up. I really enjoy talking about normal stuff! Other peoples problems! We had a quick chat about my treatment, but I felt it was in its rightful place, near the end of our "agenda"!! Whereas before it probably would have been top of the agenda, and taken up half the evening!! I am really bored with it! This must sound terrible!!! But I feel that it has taken over my life, and I resent it. I want to feel normal again! Not sure I ever will, but I'm trying!!
Hope you are all ok?
Pand, hope you are making speedy recovery, and you had good news from surgery.   
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Dear girls
hope you are all ok and that you have a good weekend, we are not sure what we are doing due to the weather as it does not seem to be able to make its mind up anyway hope you all have a good one.
Pand hope you are ok after your op and making a speedy recovery.
Cinders - glad you had a good evening and felt normal, I was out with fertile friends last  night who I met 6 years ago in oct and they all have 2 or 3 but it was nice and my stuff did not come up and they only spoke a bit about the kids.  My hairdresser asked me today how I was getting on and he had troubles and told me about his tx but I said that we have decided not to tell people as they ask when I am not always in the mood and I don't want to have to explain or justify why I am doing what so it feels very liberating.  I also said that when people knew about my tx and saw i was down when it failed they all discussed it between themselves instead of coming to me to see if I was alright so I said if they do that when they know about the tx surley it won't make any difference when they don't!!  But I quite agree to feel normal sometimes is great.

Anyway girls I am spending far too many of these lovely evenings on here as I am addicted and need to go out and look at the view so will catch up with you all over the wend sometime.  have fun and hope all goes well with you all and we all start to feel brighter and better soon.

also doing better on my food intake did not have chips or a pudding last night and bought a quarter bottle of wine and a small bottle of fizz and have kept them for ages.

take care sweethearts - Hi to everyone else
lots of lvoe


----------



## missyb

evening ladies! i've had a bit of catching up to do as ive just come off of 2 long days. oh suzy i read your post and felt so angry for you, these people are so blase about something that is so important to us! i feel like my tourettes syndrome might be activated at any given moment just thinking about what we're all up against!

hi cinders! so we have cyber syncronised eh? lol glad u had a nice time with your friends sounds like it's done you the world of good.

pand- hope you are well honey xx

samblue im so sorry that you had such a horrible time with your appointment, i know how you must be feeling, it just seems like set back after set back.. im always here if you want to pm me.

good luck drownedgirl xx

hi lainey hope you are well honey

hi laura, tc2, emilycaitlin, jenny and anyone else ive missed


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## drownedgirl

TC2 said:


> drownedgirl - just saw on your ticker its 1 day till ET for you.....GOOD LUCK sending you lots of   !!!!
> 
> Teena x


Thank you! In a minute I will leap out of bed and go for my acupuncture then to the clinic. My friend/donor will be there for ET and to be checked, she's still not at all well.


----------



## *Lollipop*

Dear drownedgirl,

Take extra special care and lots of         coming your way ...Gabxxxxxx


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## drownedgirl

All done, details on my blog. 2 8-cell pretty much grade 1 embryos on board, and a total of 27   embryos frozen.

I can't believe it's turned out so well. Hobbesy is on the mend now too, though looks 6m pregnant!


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## SUSZY

Dear Drowned Girl
So pleased for you sweetheart, will go over and read blog now.
So glad it all went well and that hobbsey on mend poor thing.
What a bumper crop of eggs too.  How fab.
Good luck darling on your 2 ww and take it easy after all you have been through.
Great you are posting on here as think there are more and more of us turning to ED and its good for people to see the process.

Gab - good to see you back darling this is where you need to come to let of steam
will reply later to rest of the secondary IF girls

see you soon

love
susie


----------



## TC2

Drownedgirl - Just wanted to say  - lots of positive thinking and rest rest rest. As for Hobbesy, my belly looked pregnant for the two week wait and i still got ovary twinges for that time too, just when i started to look less bloated i started to show!!!   Glad you are doing acu as well, i did and i am sure it helped.  Enjoy the DVDs.

Teena x


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## cinders35

Morning ladies,
drownedgirl, sending you              
Make sure you take it easy. Cannot believe how many frosties you have, you must feel so reassured!!!
Nothing to report really, other than af has arrived so will be phoning clinic tommorrow to book in for next cycle. 
DD came into our bed this morning, and enquired why my friend has had 3 babies? She said "you've had one mummy, that's me. But you are trying to have another one aren't you?" Yes darling, we are trying our best. Will have to show her this site when she is old enough. Then she will know how hard we tried!!!
One of my friends that I went out for dinner with last week is an only child. She said it's really not that bad!!!She didn't feel that she missed out terribly. She said she was always off making friends. Though she has ended up having three children herself!!!
Has anyone been on Madeleine's website? It made me sob, again 
Going back a few days, think it was Sam mentioned you are veggie? Suszy doesn't eat meat, only fish? I also don't eat meat, just fish. Wondering if there is a theme developing here? Should we investigate further? But, having said that was only eating fish when conceived dd so can't be relevant.
For "nothing to report" I have waffled on! Enough!
Love to you all, enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi girlies,

Sorry haven't felt up to posting til today.  Had a lot of catching up to do!

Suzy - I know exactly what you mean about consultants and their apparent disregard for our plight.  I understand that they must be desensitised to our misery but it's their job and they should have the decency to make sure that the details are all correct.  It makes me so angry to hear how you've been treated.  Keep stamping you foot honey.  You are the only one who will fight your corner so don't let them fob you off.  I'm so glad I finally got re-referred.  The consultant who I was under has now left the hospital and one of the staff nurses effectively told me he was a hopeless butcher, which explains a lot.  The consultant I've got now is at the other end of the scale and is such a lovely man.  But it's just so infuriating that it's pot luck who you get.  You are paying for this and you have every right to insist on a good level of service.  I will be rooting for you flower and come on here and rant away if they upset you.  At least the whole process in starting to roll now, just hang on in there and keep us updated.

Lainey and Samblue - I'm so sorry to hear you are both so down.  I'm sorry I haven't been around much to offer support, but I will be making a right royal pest of myself over the next couple of weeks whilst I'm off so feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Hi to everyone else and thank you all so much for your support and positive thoughts over the last few days.

The op went ok, although it took 3 hours instead of 45 mins!  I'm totally clogged up with endometriosis, my bowel was stuck to my stomach wall and when they tried to free it up the grazed it and had to stitch it!  They managed to do the op by laporoscopy bless them, when most consultants would have just given up and carved me open.  They removed the left tube with the hydrosalpinx in and said the right tube is open with adhesions and has a kink in it.  They have told me to try for the next six months and then we will have to consider IVF.

It's now 3 days after the op and appart from shuffling around like a little old lady I'm feeling relatively ok.  I'm feeling a little down tho, cos I don't feel very hopeful of our chances and I'm terrified of IVF (both the cost and the process).  I've got my best mate coming over this afternoon (the one that started trying at the same time as me and is now 28 weeks pregnant) and I'm really dreading seeing her.  I want to see her because I miss her and she is a really good friend, but it's going to be so hard seeing her lovely bump, especially when I don't know if I will ever be in that position again. 

Anyway, that's me for now.  I'm going to go and soak in the bath to encourage those stitches to dissolve.  I will keep you all posted.

Take care
Lots of love

Amanda


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Morning, hope you are all ok, its a lovely morning here and we are having a productive weekend and dh is out there weeding as I type so cannot be long.
Just wanted to say welcome back Pand and glad you are on the mend, I cannot imagine what you must feel like after three hours under and it must have taken you ages to come back round (remember after my emerg c section feeling so grogy)
At least you know whats being going on inside but it sounded quite bad sweetheart and lets hope that one tube does the job, I think that those sperm are big fighters and will find their way up there.  I honestly think if your eggs are ok then those sperm are very determined so the best of luck.  I am the same with IVF and am not particularly looking forward to all the injections etc but as my donor is going through it only fair that I should!  You have just been through a lot worst so I am sure when it comes to it you won't be so bad about it.  Thanks for your support re the consultant - I remember you having a bad time and so glad you have a lovely man now. I am sure mine is not that bad I am just not one of the ones he remembers and he obvioulsy does not care, it annoys me because some of them up here have opened up another private clinic thing that specialises in 3d scans so they are getting mega bugs for that as well as any other private work they do at the Nuffield, why can they not stick with the countess and look after us better!

Cinders - its weird because I am pretty sure on this thread back in the early days a lot of us had c sections and emergency ones (and I had puss in my womb when they opened me up!) and what with the semi veg theme perhaps there is a connection - who knows.

TC2 - glad you are doing ok.
Drowned girl - thinking of you and hoping that you are resting (I hope you don't mind but there are a few girls on here thinking about Ed so have mentioned your blog to them) anyway good luck.

Gab- hope you are doing ok sweetheart.  Keep posting here as we are all here for each other and we all have good and bad days and the main point of this website is to support each other and I for one would have gone under without it.

Missby - nice to hear from you again, I think if you miss a few days on here loads gets written! but then again another time it will be quiet - good to see you back.

Samblue - hope you feeling ok sweetheart? and enjoying the weekend hope its not too flat after the party of last weekend.

Lainey Lou- hope you feeling a bit better too darling - the sun is shining today so hopeful you will feel a bit better, keep posting and letting it all out as I said to Gab thats what we are all here for and we all have our ups and downs.  I am feeling ok at mo but give me a few months of injections and it all failing then i will be down and hope to be able to come back on here and you all support and help me through it.  I think for us we have come to the end of the road and this is our last bash at it and if it fails well we can put it all behind us (not sure what happens if we get some frosties what will happen but come to that when we get there)

Lots of love to Maz, honeyprincess (you have gone quiet)  Sarylou - how is the 2ww going? emily caitlin and Kelway if you are reading this and anyone else I have missed or used to post.
Just wanted to say I love you all and as ever wish you all the success in the world.
Thinking of each and every one of you.
love
susie


----------



## drownedgirl

Hi all, sorry if I am not very good with personals but I'm in bed with the laptop and with the small screen and the trackpad it's hard to read what everybody has been saying and respond properly.

I am a vegi too (no fish!) and have been since I was 11, but no CS for me when my son was born. 

I am very lucky at all those frozen embryos, i know, and two such good embryos put back (there is a picture on Hobbesy's blog. It seems that many people don't have good embryos for the ET, or have none to freeze, or both :-(

I'm pleased if people considering DE come and read it. After so many miscarriages myself, I'm so happy to have found a way to try without going over the same sad ground. I'm so lucky Hobbesy offered her eggs. 

I know that for some women the genetic connection is very important and they could not countenance DE, but having one child already, I know for sure that after the experience of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, any new baby will feel 100% mine. I'm also very happy with known donation and have a lot of thoughts ... Hobbesy and I met because our sons are the same age... as she has had kids, the process of ER etc is not as terrible as it would be for someone like a niece, and I like to think that all our children will be sort of cousins. Any DE baby would have the same genetic link to my DS as to her two.


----------



## honeyprincess

Hey girlies

drownedgirl: Glad things r going well, lots of babydust to u and i hope u get a BFP v soon!

Hope everyone else is ok ?

As for me...
Having 2-5 day cycle blood test 2moz...really not lookin 4ward to it, I must be the biggest wimp in the world!!
Also got my mid cycle scan(baseline?) booked for 30th may which im also getting myself in a right state about, crying the morning cuz i dont feel strong enough to do all this, i jus pray that it will be worth it in the end.

Next month i will have my HSG, but im tryin not to think about that 1  .

Then we go back to RBH fertility clinic 24th july to get results of my tests for tx(DI or DIVF) at oxford JR.

In the meantime we are thinking up ideas on how the hell we r going to pay 4 tx, thinking of shaving my hair off to raise money 4 it, although my mum did this a few months ago and doesnt think i cud handle it as my hair is the only thing i like of myself.
OH's sisters were very sweet and come up with the idea that they will do a sponsered dog walk!! 


Anyway take care all
Lots of love Laura xxx


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## samblue

Hi all,
thought i'd best pop in & see how you all are! 
I'm doing ok at mo, nasty witch lady turned up yesterday so no good news this month , still feeling like i'm wasting my time and feel the urge to go and camp out at the hospital until they do something about it, sound familiar? Logic (again, bl**dy logic) tells me that the cons made sense, but i feel so helpless .
Anyway, enough of my moaning, good to see you all back on here. I think sometimes you need a little break otherwise it consumes your life. Some days i can come on here feeling fine and enjoy the support, other days i just can't face being reminded of my troubles. I hope you all understand what i mean.
Had a fun day today, lots of laffs at work and got the night off youth club, hurrah! Actually cooking dinner for a change  - 'domestic goddess' mode! DD has her psychology AS exam tom so thought i'd try & do my bit! (can't help her revise, too hard!) We're having Quorn in supreme sauce (thankyou Mr Homepride ), with potato croquets and veg, delish & DD fave dinner! Fortunately DD & DH are quite happy to eat veggie food, so that make's life easier! 
Looking at our past history, how many of us are veggie and had c sections? I had placenta previa(sp?!) wiv DD and had to spend last few pg days in hosp before they decided to deliver her. I've often wondered if any of these things make/made a difference, who knows? clutching at straws? who knows?
Sorry gotta go, DH just walked in !
will try & do few personals later, lots of luv to you all, pand-glad to see you back afta op!
see you later!
luv sam xxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi girlies!

Suze - You're right, I did have a cr*p consultant before and I totally understand your frustrations.  I agree they should just concentrate on helping people like us.  These 3d scans are all well and good but at the end of the day they are just another means of making money, when they should be worrying about helping those us who really need it!  It's not like they aren't making enough money out of IVF is it!  Just keep pushing and badgering.  You encourage me to and finally I've found somone who wants to help.  If you make a nuisance of yourself they will soon remember you!

Laura - Don't shave your hair!!!!! You are going through enough as it is!  I know exactly what you mean about worrying about how you wil raise money for tx cos I'm stressing about that myself now too.  But perhaps a sponsored parachute jump, run or something would be better?  What about doing loads of car boot sales or selling stuff on e-bay?  Me I'm threatening to sell my dh's body parts!  I reckon his left leg for the first cycle, then the right leg for the second?!!!

SamBlue - sorry AF arrived.  It makes you feel so down and frustrated doesn't it.  I know how you feel when you say it all seems so hopeless.  I've been feeling like that ever since November.  Keep battling away hun.  You never know, miracles do happen sometimes!


Hi to everyone else I haven't mentioned.

Am recovering well from the op.  Now have five scars in a smiley face across my tum, a beautiful yellow, green and purple bruise all across my tummy and itches where they shaved across my bikini line (I think that's driving me the most crazy!).  But I'm feeling quite well and every day I'm feeling that much better.  I'm going to try and get some work done whilst I'm off (already marked all of my SATS papers!) but I think I will try to make the most of the sunshine.

Still feeling very pessimistic about my chances tho.  Does anyone else feel like this is just never going to happen and that this is all an enormous waste of time and energy?  It just feels like if it hasn't happened until now, it's just not meant to be?  I love my little one to bits and maybe because I am so hopeless with money we aren't meant to have any more because we wouldn't be able to afford it?  I don't know.  I'm just rambling.  

Anyway, I will be posting again soon!  

Take care

Amanda


----------



## lainey-lou

Just a quickie

I am not a vegetarian but I did have an emergency cs.

Pand - so understand where you are coming from.  I feel I gave up hope months ago but I still bang away at it each month, if you will pardon the expression.  You never know though, the op may have sorted you out.  Fingers crossed and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Sam - I don't come on here when I feel down for the same reason as you really.  I just can't face it sometimes.  Sorry AF arrived.

Susie - thanks for the words of support, they mean a lot.  I hope you get the hospital sorted soon.

Hi to Teena, Gab, Missyb, Cinders, Kelway and anyone else who knows me.

Drowned girl - good luck with the 2ww, I hope you are successful.  It would fill me with hope, I may opt for ed in the future.


I had a hospital appointment today with gynae.  He said he can't see any reason why I can't get pregnant and wasn't even concerned by FSH levels.  I cried when I left cos it made me feel worse that there is no good reason.  I am waiting for a clinic appointment now.  It was scheduled for 8 June but they have changed it to 22 June now - poo!

Enough of me.  See you soon.

Lainey x


----------



## Guest

hiya girls, im really slacking with my posts hey?








aww Lainey hun, its a pain in the ass aint it? hopefully the time will fly and it will be 22nd of june before you know it 

amanda, you sound really down hun, cheer up babe









awww sam, you sound really down to, im sorry af turned up again  

aww laura you too hun?! as for tx take it one day at a time, if you think about it all together it will panic you hun. and dont shave your head babe, im the same, if my hair even gets cut i cry  cant you have a clear out and sell stuff on ebay? or heres an idea i came up with but im too lazy  make cards for gay people! i would pay good money to be able to send my bro a card that reads 'to my brother and his boyfriend' make some and flog them on ebay, family could help too 

drownedgirl, im so glad everyhting is working out for you hun  keep up with the positive thoughts   

to the rest of you, i love you loads girls 

chat soon, love maz xxx


----------



## honeyprincess

Hey girls

Wow its roasting here today  
Ive just been for lunch with my stepmum, i had a huge cooked breakfast, felt bad though cuz shes on a diet and had jacket pot and salad lol!   i did ask her if she minded!
Also got a load of card making stuff from her for my birthday, which is tomorrow!! Cant believe im gonna be 25!

Well after everyones reactions i think i might be a little crazy to shave my hair   but hey i like your idea pand ill suggest it 2 my OH lol, dont think he wud be very impressed lol!
Pand: Im glad your on the mend and i think we all get those thoughts hun! chin up x

Seriously though maz that is a great idea, i have sold a few cards on ebay for valentines and i was trying to think of something different that people would need so THANK YOU MAZ ill let you know wen i make sum you can be my first customer lol.

Lainey: im sorry your app didnt go well and hope you get you next app soon x
Hope everyone else is ok??


Love Laura xx


----------



## Guest

laura, im glad you like the idea, when i ran it past my brother he thought it was wicked, he even suggested selling them in bulk to gay bars  

if your any good at writing poems you could make them even better  

cant wait til xmas now


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
nice to see its getting busier on here and lovely to hear from you all again.
do hope everyone begins to feel brighter again soon and glad you on the mend Pand.

Laura     
have a wonderful day tomorrow.
think your idea about cards is brill and maz idea of cards sounds brill just hope no one else pinches it so you better get on with it quick laura.
I am the same could do with some money as don't have my own am doing a car boot this weekend but would like to sell stuff on ebay its just such a faff.
this is just a quick one as need to join my dh to watch the footie as ac milan just scored and need to will liverpool on or he will be in a bad mood.  not much to say other than looking forward to the holiday next week as our bedtime regime has gone out of the window and he is going to bed later and getting up later.
still not word from new clinic but am feeling quite positive for a change.
really hope you all feel better soon but do know how depressing it is and I must admit I have given up thinking i will get preg naturally and it is very trying hoping everymonth so now I really don't expect, luckily af turns up early never late so at least I don;t have many times when I think could I be or could i not be.
anyway take care sweethearts and keep your chins up and happy birthday for tomorrow laura.
hi to everyone else and thinking of you 
love
susie


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## SUSZY

sorry maz good luck with your scan tomorrow hope all goes well.
good luck to everyone else on tx or waiting for appointments
emily caitlin - not sure how you do it but dizzi gives us a new page when we write too many on another thread which might be an idea. 
hope you are ok 
and thanks as ever
love
susie


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## *Lollipop*

Evening Ladies,

Well thought i would just say hello after a while AWOL, just was getting a bit obsessed about the whole IF things. Anyway i just wanted to add also that my ds was also born by emergency C-section and Ive also been diagnosed with endo since 2000, so i really do think there is a trend somewhere. 

Pand, I just wanted to add that after my last lap and laser treatment my cons told me that a lot of ladies fall pregnant in the first few months after having a laparoscopy , so you never know kiddo..!

Lainey Lou, my FSH levels are also really fluctuating right now from 8 to 14 (My job is quite stressful and Ive been quite an emotional wreck recently so dont know if this is reflected in the blood results), i was really getting down about it too but my gynae cons also said that this was not unusual and that if we were do do IVF then this would sort this out. 

Susie, hope all is well with you honey, i also understand your frustrations, during some of my previous appointments people have asked what treatment i have had done, even though my medical notes are right in front of them and another one asked if my ops were done in London even though i had just told him they were done in my home town, duh!!!!! sometimes it is he/she who shouts loudest. I understand that cons are busy people and their secretaries are also, however mistakes like that are not on. How would they have felt if it had been their wife getting messed about. Dont you stand for it girl!! Anyway good luck with the next appointment, its great to hear that things are moving for you.

Hi drownedgirl, just wanted to say i hope you are taking it easy Mrs and looking after yourself ok, thinking of you take care...lots of      

Hello to Teena, hope you are looking after yourself honey, also wanted to just say hello to anyone Ive missed, Good Luck to everyone else on their 2ww or whatever stage they are in their treatment, and also sorry to the others about the ole witch flying in, shes due at my house any day now one of these days I'm going to snap that b***** broomstick of hers!!!! 

Cinders, just wanted to add if my fsh behaves itself i may be cycling with you honey June/July but it all depends on when AF arrives, as my initial consultation at my new clinic could be on day 21 so i think we may just miss the boat on that month..can i just ask also honey if they do yr fsh again on your treatment cycle or do they go from the result from your previous blood tests..anyway all the best either way i will be thinking of you..Good Luck..

Maz, thinking of you and good luck with the scan tomorrow honey..

Anyway i better go sorry this has turned into a bit of a me post, having not spoke here for a while i was feeling really down about the whole IF thing.I just had an appointment with my gynae cons(i have 2 different cons one for fertility and one for endo), he booked me in for a scan as we thought my cysts had came back again..due to pain at intervals..i went for my scan..tears in my eyes as i thought this is just a viscious circle and I'm not getting anywhere..Ultrasound scan went fine and we couldn't see any cysts, I was beginning to feel really hopeless but my dh and I were looking at my sons picture and ultimately we are trying to give him a brother or sister...so i gave myself a big boot up the a*** and made a pact that i wouldn't give up until mother nature ultimately decided ,whether i needed further surgery again or not due to endo. I know the IVF drugs are not good for endo..but i dont care hes worth the risk ..ttc for ten years is a long time and if i can do it for ten years then i can carry on for the next ten (although i really hope it doesn't take that long!!!!)  

This has really turned into a me, me sorry i think a book is an understatement... Take extra special care girlie's and think positive thoughts...       Gabxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

THANKYOU FF FOR KEEPING ME SANE...(JUST ABOUT!!!!!!!)..


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## honeyprincess

Hey

Just a quickie

Thanks SUSZY i will try to have a good 1!

Maz hunni good luck for 2moz let me know how you get on , i got my scan next week n im sooooo scared! 

K night girls 

xx laura xx


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## drownedgirl

Thanks everybody for the support, sorry I'm not posting much but very tired. My minder was sick today so I had DS, 4, to contend with and though we had a nice time in the park, it was the first time I'd been out of the house since ET!


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## cinders35

Chat, chat, chat....it's way too noisy in here. Can't hear myself think!!!!!!!! 
Just quickyto let you know have booked in for next treatment cycle. Start down regging on june 9th. Last time was so excited, this time much more subdued. Think trying to protect myself, that last bfn was a shocker. Don't want to set myself up for that again! Really don't want it to take over my life so much this time. I will be fine up until the 2ww, then you are going to want to shoot me!!
So here goes, back on board!
Gab, they are using my last fsh levels. We could be  together!
Keep up the good work drownedgirl           
Lainey, I understand you frustration with time. They have changed your appointment, don't they understand the clock is ticking?! But honestly, I have given up worrying about the age gap thing, as if dd gets a sibling she will love it, and it her no matter what age gap! (I hope!) 

OOOhhh    HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!    Card thing sounds GENIOUS!!! Well done Maz! Might I suggest also doing cards with my brother/sister etc and his/her partner? There are some around, but in my experience not many. Also "naming ceremony" card as opposed to christening cards would be good!
Hey Suszy, do you actually like the footy?! Just wondering what I am missing!! Apart from footballers thighs!!!!
Hey Pand, you have more chance next month after your surgery than you did before, so it's a bit more of a chance. It is possible, stranger things have happened! If not then you can ride with us on the IVF rollercoaster, its scary but thrilling, and I'm getting on for another go so it can't be that bad!!?!!
Sam, sorry you feeling poo.          
Emilycaitlin, hope you ok and not too bogged down at work?
Jenny76, wonder if you check up on us? Hope you have made good recovery from op? We think of you, and wish you well.  
Missyb, you need a note if you're going to be away this long!!!! Come back, we  
I feel terrible if I've missed someone, which I undoubtedly have, sorry. Blame it on the time!! Am vv tired!!! You lot keeping me awake, anyone fancy a midnight feast?!!!!
Love Cindersxxxx


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## drownedgirl

Also a card for what should have been an EDD, or birthday of a lost child.


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## Pand

Hi girls!

It's so nice to have the time to come on here and chat more regularly.  I shall miss this when I'm back at work!

Gabrielle - thanks for your comments hun, they have made me feel a bit more hopeful.

Cinders - I think you are very brave.  I have been through very similar soul searching to you and have decided we will just keep going until someone tells us to stop.  If I do end up on the old IVF rollercoaster I would be in great company I know, but I'm hoping you will have stepped off it by then!

Suzy - I have PM'd you back.

Lainey - hang on in there hun.  I know what it's like to count down the days to each appointment and when they put it back it just makes you want to weep.  Sit tight flower and try to keep busy to make the time pass quicker.

A quick me update.  Am healing well and starting to feel relatively normal again.  My tummy still looks like a rainbow but the stitches are healing well and the swelling is starting to go down.  Thanks to everyone who has sent me their love it's really meant a lot.  I just don't know what I would do without you guys.  I used to feel that this was such a lonely journey, that no one else in the world understood how I felt, but you all do and if helps to know that I am sane and not alone.  I just wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone else and make it all work out.  We all deserve it so much and if there is a god they would make all of our wishes come true.

Sorry for the soppy post but I don't know how I would have got through this without you!

Lots of love and hugs 

Amanda


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## TC2

Hi everyone....still checking in just not so much to say now i am on the 'other side'.  

Cinders - great news that youve a date for downregging,  for you, will be thinking about you - honestly already all that injecting and stuff seems like a bad dream and its hard to think we went through all of it, now were here and i am trying to remember all the pregnancy stuff... brain like a seive already - two babies so i figure two times the brain loss, twice as fast!!! No hope left for me guys!

Drownedgirl - keep chilling, not long now......i remember my first busy day in the 2ww, its not easy all this chilling/resting/being calm is it!!!   

Pand - Glad you are healing well - keep taking it easy.  

Gabrielle - Glad things are starting to get moving for you.  My clinic redid my FSH levels, that was important as actually my FSH had jumped form 6.2 to 10!!!!! so they doubled my stimms.... Hope you can get going soon, the waiting sucks!

Hi and love to everyone else 

Teena x


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## SUSZY

oh dear girls I am back to my usual, go to a meeting I don't really want to , have quite a good time, drink a bit of wine (sometimes fall out with people) because despite my persona on here I am actually quite stroppy!! and then have to wind down by coming on here and drinking more wine - not good atall really and now I am snacking and its a bit late for that.

The main vibe i get as ever is that we are all her for each other and no matter what stage of the cycle or journey we are at we can all still help each other as we are always going to be in different places and always going to be able to help each other no matter where we are on it.

so thnks to TC2 for still coming back and offering us words of encouragement - we all do really apprecite it

to drowned girl reporting back on her journey

to Pand who said she was no good at personals and now she is fab and you are so right it was a very lonely journey til I met you lot on here! and gabrielle is an expert too now - we are all here for each other sweetheart and think we all keep each other sane and not for the first time do I say I am not sure what I would have done without it.

i think for me too as my hubbie into computers i am very suspicous of sites and think he was too but when its free and you don't have to sign your life away and no one is gaining out of it you think its too good to be true and its amazing they have not sold out to adverts etc I think in the end they keep going because we are all so grateful to have found somewhere that we become charter members or just support it by posting

to cinders - 9th june will be here before you know it and that time has passed quick - if you can best to try and be more subdued as so know where you are coming from re getting excited and hopeful as so thought my iui would work and to be honest girls will really 
need you big style if ED does not work. Half the battle I find like everything is keeping your brain in control! whatever good luck!
no I hate footy - I have been lucky and all my boyfriends did not like football and then on about boyfriend no 20 and the second one I decided to marry adores it and now my son is getting into it so what do you do.  i don;t actually look at their thighs but perhaps I should start what really amazes me is when that silly match of the day is o n as to how long the stylists must be in there chosing their shirts as they usually have such a combination of colours - mind you having been to that shirt shop satori the other day as my dh had won a voucher at a raffle the shirts were to die for!

Hi to emily caitlin and jenny as cinders said hope she still looks in on us but think she might have moved on as think that is what you hve to do .

hope you had a good birthday laura still cannot belive you are so young!!!

maz  hope all went well today, please let us know

love to missyb,  lainey , am blue         

  lve to each and any one of you as love you all.
if any of you fancy an 80s disco at kelsall on 16th of next month then you can get tickets from me

love suse


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## cinders35

Morning ladies,
Hope you are all well? I did a lovely long post friday night and lost it!     Was not a happy bunny, and didn't have the heart or patience to start again!!
Anyway, I hope you didn't have too big a hangover Suszy!!
Great to hear you doing well on the other side Teena! It gives me hope when I hear from you!
Think your tummy sounds very pretty Pand!  !!! Hope you are going fro strength to strength every day.

I googled "only child" the other day and was amazed by how much stuff there is out there! Have spotted a a couple of books would like to take a look at. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up or anything, I just feel like it's part of my journey, partly a self preservation thing, preparing myself for the fact that we may not manage to have our 2nd longed for bubba, and I want to make the best of it for dd. We won't go on and on with treatment indefinately, so I think my brain is making a gradual acceptance shift! There were some very reassuring things I read, that an "only child" is not always a lonely child! They tend to be mature, their mums tend to go out of their way to make sure they mix loads with other children! There are some surrogate siblng sites!!!!! So it's not all bad!

I have been checking out some hypnotherapy cd's to go alongside treatment. Would like to try and be more chilled this time! 
Hope the rest of you are ok?
How's treatment going Maz, thinking of you 
Love Cindersxxx 

Weather is pants isn't it?!


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## sarylou

hello everyone. Hope you are all doing well. 
Ive been so busy with work-not had a day off yet this week and wont till sat  

Im on cd30/28 im not sure if the clomid is playing games with my af?  
I have loads of cm sytill but have had af pains since fri but nothing? I also keep getting ov pains in left ovary    not sure why?

Gotta run, got soaked earlier and off out in it again soon xxx

Love to all xxxx


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## SUSZY

Dear Girls
Hope you are all ok and enjoying the bank hol weekend despite the rain.

Been to set up stuff for a car boot sale tomorrow (well table top) where I am going so hopefully can get rid of some of my stuff.

I got my letter and appointment through so its 10th July at 3pm so at least I have something to work towards.

Sarylou - will keep my fingers crossed for you as it could be your lucky month.

Cinders - did have a big of a groggy head and did not do much on Friday must admit but now I hve my appointment am going to be really good.  That sounds really interesting about the only child stuff esp the surrogate sibling although reckon we could do that on this thread as some of our kids are the same age and we are getting to know each other.  Think you are being very wise and sensible and I am like that I look ahead in my brain to stuff so that I am more prepared and try and think of every scenrio.

Its gone a bit quiet on here again so hope everyone is ok, would love to hear from you Maz to see how you are doing and Lainey Lou, samblue, honeyprincess, pand, missby, gabrielle and tc2, emily caitlin and kelway

love and support to drowned girl too

Just been reading the Sunday Times Style supplement and very interesing article "the worst sex we ever had" about a couple struggling to enjoy the baby making process!!  One line in it stikes a cord where the husband is saying he wants his old wife back not the baby obssessed one who is on the computer, engrossed in fertility chat rooms, when he gets home every night!!!

The programmes are on 8th June itv1 8pm Tonite with trevor Macdonald about male Fertility and series starts on 14th June BB3 
Make Me a Baby 9pm.

take care

susie


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## drownedgirl

Hi all.

I'm a bit of a misery atm.  I did so well getting to day 9 post ER feeling beautifully relaxed and optimistic but the bad cramps followed by a complete loss of the previous full sensation in my abdomen has sent me into a bit of a tail spin and I have been fighting against tears most of the last few days.

My tests came by post and so I have decided to do one tomorrow (9dp 3 dt) as in my experience of early pregnancy and miscarriage, a good pregnancy will have decent levels of hcg by 12 dpo. I believe the average is 50 miu, and the tests are 25miu I think.

I’d rather test and get a negative and maybe be pleasantly surprised later, then hold out and then fall with a crash. And if there is a line, however faint, then at least I can tell myself I’m stupid to fear the worst!

I’m trying to think positive though. And even if it hasn’t worked this first try, there are plenty of fertilised eggs and embryos on ice, and we’ll try to arrange a FET asap.

I wish I didn’t feel so tearful and just… depressed. It’s hard not to get subsumed under the weight of all my losses and all the medical intervention and the sheer struggle just to keep on.

I’m tired.


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## emilycaitlin

Click on the link for a new, emptier, daily messages home, girls!!!

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=96879.0


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