# I feel so bad



## jofi (Apr 7, 2006)

I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I need to get my thoughts down. I had my BFN ( af arrived to be accurate ) on Christmas morning. I had myself sort of prepared for it as this was our third time and it's hard to get carried away anymore. So as expected Christmas was awful, I had planned to ignore the fact it was Christmas anyway and didn't do any decorations or anything. Dh was wonderful as always and we just limped through it together. I felt sad but as if I was coping ok. I put a post on another board recently saying onwards and upwards and how I was planning our next tx. 
Today I feel so bad. I feel like it has just happened. DH and I sat up late last night and I could feel myself getting really down when we were talking about how we were coping. I woke up early and I think  I was awake for hours not thinking just about our bfn but all sorts of things and getting angry and upset.
Does it sound crazy to think I should have more upset at the time and now I'm paying for it? I actually feel guilty about being happy or because I've been laughing at something stupid.I was depressed after our second tx and didn't want to see anyone as I was always on the verge of tears. I feel exactly like that again. It's frightening that it is so out of my control.
I really need to get my head together I'm starting work at 3. Thats another thing work is completely killing me. I sell mobiles I used to love it and was good at it. It's a very customer service focused job. My perception of it right now is people coming in to shout at me and humiliate me, every shift is an endurance test. I'm going crazy aren't I? I just hate this.


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Jofi you are not going crazy hun 

People handle situations differently but I always see a BFN as a grieving process and often it hits people a few weeks after it has happened. 

Allow yourself time to cry and if you cant face work then dont go! I used to drag myself in even if i was feeling low or ill and now have got to the point where I look after me and take time off if needed. 

sorry I arent much help but just wanted to send you a big 

x


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## jofi (Apr 7, 2006)

thankyou suzie, and you are a help. thanks for the quick reply. Work has been reasonable about time off etc but I know my boss won't understand me falling apart now. I think everyone expects me to be getting stronger everyday. How do I explain? I feel sorry for anyone stuck in the shop with me, misery guts hiding out the back cuz she is scared of the customers.


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I'm sure your collegues understand hun , you just take care of yourself 

xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Jofi, sending you huge hugs hun    like Suzie has said i'm sure your colleagues understand hun and if not   to them. The important thing is you getting through the greiving process so if you need time off work then see your gp and see if he will sign you off  

take care hun

pam xx


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## tom+jerry (Jan 2, 2008)

Jofi

A massive    

We've just finished 1st IVF and got a BFN on 1 Jan 08.  Worst New Year ever.
Hey you must be strong as I couldnt face going into work and took some holidays as I kept crying.  

Its just such a horrible rollercoaster that leaves you happy one minute and devastated the next.

Dont know what else to say other than your not alone  

Take care
H
x


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## Liss (Sep 7, 2007)

Aaah Jofi  

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down and I'm so sorry for your heartache...totally understandable if you've experienced the pain of a failed TX and I imagine it can only get harder after each time...  Just wanted to give you a big hug so you know you're not odd, or going mad, and you're not alone  .  Everyone finds ways to 'get through it' and there are no rights or wrongs...I say whatever works for you hun at this horrible time  .

DH and I felt very detached from everyday life and it was hard to get really interested in anything much at all after our BFN so I sympathise with you on the work front...you just want to hideaway don't you to lick your wounds?  There are no rules as to when you do your grieving or how long you need and everyone is different so don't beat yourself up about it.  Take all the time you need, accept that there are going to be more downs than ups, be kind to yourself as you've been through a heck of a lot and keep posting on FF so we can all give you a lift on the days you really need it  . 

Take care of yourself and one day soon you will realise that you suddenly feel more like yourself again...but it will be when you're good and ready  .

Wishing you all the luck in the world for the future xxx

Lots of love,

Liss xxxxxxxxx


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## shoppingqueen (Nov 22, 2007)

Hi Liss

Just wanted to say all the best with your laparoscopy on Monday.  Hopefully things will be clearer then & 2008 will be a better year.

So sorry you had a BFN - I did too a week later.  It's ****.

Anyway rest up at the weekend & all the best for Monday

S

xx


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## LittleMissJo (Dec 4, 2007)

Hi Jofi,

So sorry to hear about your BFN, we had news of our BFN New Years eve and I felt so miserable and just wanted to hide. I am still finding it difficult but have our next cycle planned for March and that helps.
Big hug to you    

Jo x


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi Hun,
    It does get better babe i promise, time is a healer as they say and as much as we don't believe it i think its definitely true.   
Your turn will come Hun, mine did and i was saying the same as u last year now i have a gorg 14 week old son i still sit and remember the days when i thought i could not continue   but now I'm thankful i did. xxxxxxxxxxx

Goodluck babes
shye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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