# how far can adoption go toward healing pain of biological infertility?



## wonka (Jul 27, 2009)

Hey guys, 


I'm wondering what it feels like to adopt after years of infertility. My husband and I have decided to adopt and have started the preparation course. But recently my Brother and Sister both announced they were expecting their first children (on my birthday during my adoption course would you believe!). The pain was indescribable. I felt excluded, and no one seemed as excited and happy for us as we announced our decision to adopt. Maybe adoption is not the 'same', but I'm reserving judgement for when it's actually happened. 


Has anyone else felt adoption has gone anyway (even a small way!) to healing the pain of not being able to have their own biological children? 


Also I'm concerned that adoption could even isolate us even further as our child might not behave as conventionally as some other parents' biological children. Has any one found this a problem? Or do you feel the joy of being able to at last feel connected and part of other friends and family members who are biological parents? 


I know this sounds like an essay in paranoia, I wish I wasn't so consumed with feelings of guilt, jealousy and grief. 


Thank you


Bee Orchid


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello Beeorchid  

Interesting question  

I can only speak from my experience and say that no, adoption does not heal the pain of infertility completely but it certainly helps. 

We're about to hit the 5 year mark since starting the adoption process.  Looking back at the first 2 years (from applying to meeting our daughter) I was still all-consumed by the pain of infertility.  I was grieving while going through a difficult process and I was quite frankly a wreck!  

During the adoption process I found that we really had to think of things in a different way.  Adoption is about finding families for children, not the other way round and that is quite a big mindshift to make. 

Now I look back at our trying to conceive process and think that the whole childbirth thing is a bit weird    Surely it's normal for babies to come from social workers?  Maybe it's just my coping mechanism but it's the stage I've reached.

I hit a very low point about a year ago - a year after we met our son.  I think it was a touch of post-adoption depression and I really mourned the loss of the opportunity to be pregnant even though I now had 2 children.

Adoption doesn't cure us of our feelings around infertility, but it does give us a family  - and for me it couldn't be better and I couldn't imagine my children not being mine.  

I'd say I don't fully feel connected with parents who have birth children, but this is my problem not theirs.  They are fully accepting, it's me who holds back.  Our families love our children as if they'd always known them and I am confident they couldn't love them more if I given birth to them.

My SIL had a baby last summer and I have really struggled to interact with my niece, but the baby is now coming up to the age my children were when I am adopted them and I find it's getting easier as I've experienced the stages the baby is going through now. 

I think it's worth doing a lot of reading on adoption, once your mind make the shift from conceiving to adoption I think it gets easier.

Bx


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi Bee. 
Welcome and lots of luck to you. 
Like Boggy says, adoption doesn't cure infertility but it can help. 
We have delt with infertility, I had counselling at fertility clinic which helped me alot. Now, I wouldn't want to be pregnant (and I never thought I would say that). I even held a new born the other day which is also a massive thing. 
As for family behaviour, most of mine are as excited as we are and they will be treated the same as their cousins.
The grief, jealousy I hope for you will ease as time goes on. It definitely has for me.
Look after yourself and don't be hard on yourself for having the feelings you do, its natural hunny. 
Take care
Sweets x x


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## wonka (Jul 27, 2009)

Hey guys thanks for your responses.   


Boggy-wow that's good to hear. I know what you mean about turn everything about to think about the child. I just hope we don't forget about our own limitations and the support my husband and I will need during the process. Did your SW arrange for support through post-adoption depression? It's good to hear you are so connected and supported by your family. Hey lucky you getting babies/very young children.  


Yes I've got lots of home work! kind of looking forward to it though   !


Sweets- thanks for your comments. So good to hear your reassurance and to hear how far you've gone getting over all that infertility grief. Fabulous. 


Great stuff


Bee xxx


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

hiya

Re the post adoption depression. I never told SW    We hadn't legally adopted Dino and I was afraid it would delay things further.  Bit naughtly I know.    It was actually spotted by the nurse who did my smear test (it was all rather traumatic, I was upset and she got me talking about other things).  She spoke to our Health Visitor who invited me to meet with her without the children, then she spoke to the GP who also met with me.  Between us we agreed that I could access counselling through my husbands employer so nothing went on my file, but in the end I took charge of things myself and just started looking after myself a bit more, including putting Dino into nursery an afternoon a week to give me some time to myself.  I lost a stone and a half which really helped, though put it all back on now! 

I wouldn't say we were well supported practically by our families, as we live 75miles from the closet family member but I think making sure you have a good support network (unlike us!) is vital.  

bx


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi B, 

I have been through very similar feelings recently. My DH and I were (and still are) feeling very excited about adoption and we were enjoying feeling back to normal after grieving the loss of not having a baby naturally. I had been genuinely enjoying being around my pregnant friends and new babies whilst looking forward to our adoption journey. However, half way through our preparation course my younger sister announced she was pregnant and her boyfriend is actually my brother in law (the baby could look like my DH & I's baby would have looked like) - it was unplanned. It has thrown me into a roller coaster of emotions. Our home study and hope for panel will be around the time my sister gives birth. I am terrified I wont be strong enough for the adoption process if I have feelings of jealousy towards my sister and brother in law. However, I do not want to put back the adoption home study as we have been wanting a family for a long time now. It is tough! Sorry to go on there. 
PEJ xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

every now and again i get that familiar jealousy feeling of peoples pregs/births rearing up but it isnt often..and its mostly preg announcements, I'm fine by the time the baby arrives..and it depends on the person too, some people I feel more happy for than others  
otherwise i feel a fulfilled as a mother in every way and we have a normal family life..everybody accepted our children straight away, i was thrown i baby shower for each and felt as spoiled as any new mummy to be  
my big thing/hang up is breastfeeing, i dream about it regularly, i so dearly wish i could have done it..I'm so passionate about it..
I dont think it will ever fully go away but it certainly doesnt dominate my life..as with any grieving process it sometimes rises up to bite you on the bum..you wouldnt expect to never feel sad again after someone close to you has died..you come to terms with it eventually but that doesnt mean you dont feel sad now and again

kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi BeeOrchid & all 

As I am only at the start of the process I cant say if it has truly went away.  However, there have been some "experiences" I wont ever fulfill via adoption and had to decide if these were truly important or just another free will choice i wouldn't have - choosing names, breastfeeding, natural childbirth vs C section being the main ones.  However after speaking to a few friends who have had there own BCs then i have segmented this as truly being about the lack of choice.  

IF really can feel that you are out of control especially if you feel your body has let you down.  Whilst not wishing to trivialise the thoughts you may have (and do not mean offence to anyone)
many BP's feel resentful of not having the perfect birth story i.e. long labour or C section they did not want and feel they have missed out.  
One friend's baby had her tongue attached to the bottom of her mouth when born so was unable to breast feed then friend ended up on painkillers that meant she could not BF via pump and this is likley to be her only child then feels she missed out - however in grand scheme of things she has healthy happy baby and couldnt be happier.  In the modern world I feel we have grown up with the belief that we can have it all in some ways and that in itself is hard to swallow if it doesnt go to plan.
So while I will always feel sad that i will never feel a growing baby in my tum and all other birth things women speak of, I will be able to share the joy at being a parent and raising a child/ren to become all they can.  although not had the "joy" of a competetive mummy clubs yet where i may miss those experiences to share (and may change my mind then lol).

Hope this is helpful
Gertie xox


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

thats a lovely post Gertie, very valid
just one thing..on the choosing of names..many adopters decided to add a middle name of their choosing to their childs birth name  i havent heard of anyone who was told they cant do this and i myself really enjoyed being able to choose a name that was a gift from us to them. like you i had assumed that it was definitely one thing that i wouldnt get to do so it was  happy discovery that it was ok to do it   

kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Oh thx Kemjay that's wonderful. Love it's like adding a piece of their history. My DH has no middle name and always felt he missed something so I will definately keep this in mind. 
It's a hard journey to accept but I now feel adoption was always the road for us - even had a fortune teller telling me quite insistently that I was to try more ivf (she was very accurate about all my issues without me telling her anything). But I really feel her inclining maybe my family is being conceived/born at this time - will be really interested in my child/ren's birth dates once we actually get down that road (still got HS to do)
X x


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi,
I don't post on here much, but do follow all your stories, I just wanted to add ( having had a BC and the adopted) when you have a young child - I would say under 3, you may find that when you meet up with firends whos children are of a similar age they all want to talk about their birth stories, and while you cannot join in, you just have a different story to tell.

That does wear off, my eldest is 9 now and my friends never talk about giving birth, breast feeding, etc etc - It's all old news and the subject of converation is much more about football or how untidy they are!!!!

We chose a middle name for our 2nd child, and I can honestly say the day we brought him home  felt like the day we brought our eldest home - I know I'm not explaining myself well but I hope you get what I'm saying.

I know I was lucky to carry my eldest - but the yearning for a 2nd child was huge, that did go away once we had him home with us.

I still get pangs of jealousy when I hear about friends falling pregnant- but they are fleeting thoughts, and soon go. All the best with your journey - we are about to embark on our HS for NO 3!!!!!!!


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

For me quite simply adoption hasn't completely healed the pain of not having a birth child but it sure has helped! The pain is bearable now and certainly not ever present anymore. 
Adoption has given me the chance to be a mummy when nothing else could. 
On the whole I do feel connected to other parents, the circumstances are different but there are enough similarities!
Good luck
Crusoe xxxx


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## willswendy (Aug 17, 2004)

I feel that I had fully accepted I would never have a BC when we started our adoption and so it was a different journey altogether.

There is so much pain involved with infertility and acceptance, and I understand that we all deal with this in different way and to different degrees, so its a bit of hard one really.

I too can honestly say now that I dont want to be pregnant - the amount of people that have said, you will adopt and then get pregnant is amazing and im like well I wont say thanks cos its not what I want.  I have seen and heard too many stories of things going wrong, and I jsut couldnt deal with that at all.

Our son has been with us now for 3 weeks, and I honestly could not imagine never seeing that beautiful boy, when I look into his eyes, all my pain has gone away, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has healed all the pain I had.

For me its the best feeling in the world, seeing my beautiful boy tucked up in bed, he honestly feels like mine and I really dont think I could love him any more that I do.

Sorry for waffling on a bit, its such an emotional journey, but its definately worth it 

Best wishes to you   

Wendy xxx


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## Mrs Dibbles (Aug 19, 2007)

Wilswendy that is exactly how I feel. Why do people say that? I find it really frustrating.It's like they think that adoption isn't enough. Having a wonderful if not exhausting time during intros and my period came today which I was genuinely relieved about as it was late. I never thought I would say that!!!!!


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Everyone’s situation is different, I don’t want to go into my own individual emotions and thought processes however it took me a long, long time to reach a decision (our infertility was male factor) on how we would become parents. 

Adoption is something completely different, and I remember the very moment (this sounds terribly dramatic but it’s the case - I remember where I was, what I was doing and the prompter) the penny dropped and I knew I wanted to adopt.

We embarked on this process with no hang ups about infertility; the process though will chew you up and spit you out in ways you didn’t imagine. It’s incredibly tough – you need nerves of steel to get you through it. If I’d had the additional stressor of still grieving/longing for a birth child I know I wouldn’t have managed it.


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## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Crusoe - you contacted me about a meet up in Herts?  I sent you some Personal messages but no problems if you do not wish to meet up.  We have a group of 5 ladies who are on a journey to adopt, or thinking about adopting. We all did meet up about 3 weeks ago in Stevenage.  i sent you my personal email address in my personal messages.  We both live in the same town.


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