# Telling acquaintances LO is adopted or not



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi all
This feels like a perennial question but I haven't found a recent thread on it. Forgive me if I've missed it!

My 9month old lb has been home 11 weeks and in recent weeks we have started a bit of gentle getting out and about. We have gone to a couple of playgroups a couple of times each and I am not comfortable with not telling people I chat to that he is adopted. I can't relax as I fear how I'm going to handle questions that are tricky for me to answer and I feel I'm not being myself and am coming across as cagey or really shy which is probably really not helping me to make friends (mind you I'm also thinking they are a bit of a waste of time from that pov anyway as both groups I've tried are full of new mums with babies less than 6 months and breast feeding etc is the hot topic. I just get a few comments about isn't he big, hasn't he got lots of teeth and how old is he and then they go back to the young baby conversations - understandably! So I'm going to try and find other groups though they seem to them jump up to being toddler groups, which LO isn't yet, by a long shot but I hope there might be other older babies there as well as toddlers. I can't find any groups that say they are for big babies!)

Anyhow that's by the by. 
I'm a very open person and I would be more relaxed if I felt happy to mention him being adopted. But I have in my head that many adoptive parents think better not to - certainly I don't like the idea of him being known as the adopted boy which I do feel likely but perhaps not critical? 
I am currently not telling anyone who isn't an existing friend or a healthcare professional because once it's been said it can't be unsaid and I might regret it.

So, views pls - tell and be relaxed or are there good reasons to deal with that for his sake as it really is valuable to keep it private? Basically, I guess, pros and cons of telling/not telling in your experience will be really appreciated.

Btw - to end on a positive - my la runs a monthly post adoption playgroup that I went to for the first time today and it was so nice to be amongst a group of other adopters. I was relaxed in a group for the first time.

Thanks
Gettina


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It's a difficult one and I am no expert and will read with interest what others say.  My personal view is you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with and over sharing in general is a big issue among parents ( mainly biological ones) children are entitled to a bit of choice and privacy.  However the flip side of the coin is you want your child to have positive self esteem about their adoption and not feel it is a secret. Unless they see you telling people they are adopted and answering questions appropriately they won't have a model or example for how to do the same when a teenager or young adult and making choices for themselves.  Good luck getting the balance right is something I think about already and my girls aren't home yet x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Gettina,

Glad you found a local adopters play group. To be honest I think it's probably this statement that jumps out at me "can't relax as I fear how I'm going to handle questions that are tricky for me to answer"

Once you feel you have answers and know what you will do it becomes easier. I haven't said to strangers but I did go to a semi local toddlers club where an old friend and a few old acquaintances attended with their LOs. It felt easier being in this club as they knew but we didn't openly discuss it as it were. It's a bit easier with toddlers as the baby chat has moved on and sleepless nights, teething, eating concerns etc are all universal rather than birth stories.

I tried few baby type clubs - bounce n rhyme, Gymboree, baby dance. These are good places to get out to if your LO enjoys them as the focus is on the activity rather than the parent small talk. Plus you see the same faces each week so may meet more mums you can get a coffee with after. If it feels comfortable for you to say LO is adopted when it's one on one/few (as I do) then this might be more natural. Also with some if these clubs they are not in your immediate circle (depending on where you live) so there's very little chance of me bumping into said person unless I wanted to so no real label on little man.

It's something I feel we juggle as being open and being private are two very different matters. I'm a very private person but very open with my trusted circle. I feel passionately that it's my lil mans story and therefore I'm guarded about he may want to know in future. If it's unlikely that person will be about in his future then I sometimes share he's adopted but only if relevant. 

There is also a part of me that wants to be an everyday mummy and not feel different and as much as we try to think this way - adoption is a very different way of becoming parents. Sometimes it's just easier having a chat about sleepless nights being just that - not midnight screaming and crying in his sleep or that his hysterical meltdown due to me being more than 2feet from him is just a clingy phase. 

Personally I found the reading and singing groups the best at this age as once they get on their feet more they just want to explore. Early mornings at soft play are good too as the parents are so focused on small ones and helping there's not as much actual nosy chat (somehow playgroups tend to have more inquisitive Qs than soft play lol)
X


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i wonder if this question would be the same if he was a bit older. Maybe despite wanting to tell (i'd want to, i understand the 'honesty' part of it) you wouldn't be inclined to put 'he's not really mine' (which is basically what telling them he's adopted is) if you thought he was listening and understood. I reckon if he was older and talking you'd be pulling him close and telling them how proud you were of 'your boy'. So i reckon you're right - don't tell, even though you feel like it's logical (which i understand) - when you feel the urge to tell, imagine he's listening/part of the conversation. Of course it's not wrong for a child to know they are adopted, but i think they have to have bonded properly first and understood that as far as you're concerned, he's yours. As opposed to him feeling he needs to 'admit' to being adopted with every new person he meets.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I told people at first for similar reasons but also because you have to make sure no-one takes photos of him and if he falls over/ hurts himself I told people they couldn't cuddle him, it had to be me. He's also a slightly different skin colour to me. 
I must admit though that it really depended on whether I liked them or not. Some people put my back up so I was deliberately hedgy with them -especially offensive nosy people. Just remember your child's story is their own and so it's fine to say 'I'm sorry, I can't discuss that.' I really wanted to be open because most of the horrible comments I've had to deal with (rather a lot actually) have been through ignorance and I'd rather dispel that if I can.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I have to say we are very open and honest about our children being adopted, and are very proud of the fact and want them to be to, I don't go out of my way to say they are adopted unless it's called for, but then our two were much older at placement so are fully aware that they are adopted, I fact our youngest who has only been home coming up for 3 weeks keeps announcing to anyone who will listen to her that she has just moved from her FC to her forever family because she's being adopted, trying hard to rain that one in and teach stranger danger!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Minny that's gorgeous love it. That's the kind of positive self esteem I hope to give  x x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Miny Moo - Poppet would announce her new name to anyone and everyone when she got our surname after the AO, funny aren't they!

I think it's a tricky one. I am generally open and honest but also don't divulge too much and just keep it a matter of fact/no big deal approach. But only with those I feel comfortable with, it's necessary, I'll see regularly etc. A random parent at a random play group - I would not. Remember there's only you that knows and I suspect from your post you perhaps lack a bit confidence in that fact. I only say that because I did and sometimes do, I am naturally a confident and outgoing person but when in a new parenting situation I often feel a bit fraudulent and vulnerable - mainly because of how far the questioning might go and getting myself stuck in a spiral of white lies. 
We were at a kids party recently and I was briefly chatting to another Mammy who asked if I worked and if it was full time - it totally through me as I had just gone back to work and I went to explain just that and I had to stop myself as I quickly realised that me just returning to work when Poppets 3.5yrs old is gonna lead to unnecessary questioning that I don't need to nor want to get into. So I ended up just actively listening with some 'Mmmm I know what you mean' thrown in for good measure rather than actually discussing anything about our family what so ever. 

So basically, for us, I tell professionals, colleagues those who I'll see regularly and have a connection with, nursery staff etc etc. I do not tell random parents at events - I just play along nicely. 

When I have told people I do it openly in front of Poppet as she is well aware of her adoption and although didn't understand what it meant at first I felt it was important she got used to the word and see me talk about it proudly in front of her. It often led to lots of poppet praise and has only been a positive experience. 

Although ppl do ask silly questions out of total ignorance - but have never done so in front of poppet. 

I'm rambling - hope it's helped though  xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

When Wyxling was first placed I felt like a fraud not telling other Mums I met.  I hadn't got a clue what I was doing and really felt like it must show.  Plus, as you say, people ask questions that I just couldn't answer because I didn't know and I hadn't really anticipated it, so it really took me back.  When Bladelet was then placed, I was still doing all the same toddler groups so people clearly asked.  One week I had two kids, then we disappeared for a month or two, and suddenly there were two.  I few of the Mums I knew well knew we were having another, but a lot didn't.  Most people will ask inappropriate questions about birth family without really realising that they are, and I just use the same answer all the time.  I really appreciate their interest in my kids, but we've been advised we shouldn't talk to other people about details that Wyxling/Bladelet is too young to understand herself/himself, because they may not be happy about us doing that when we get older.  It's a very polite way of saying it's none of your business while kind of shifting the blame.  I might not personally care about offending people, but I don't want my balshyness to adversely effect my kids.  

When Wyxling started pre-school I made the decision that I wouldn't tell anyone.  Now I'm seeing Mums of other 3 year olds with my 3 y/o and 18 month old, and things like birth and breast feeding aren't such hot topics.  The kids she's at pre-school with now may be the same ones she goes to school with through to 11 at least, so I don't want to make that decision for her.  What I hadn't anticipated was that she would of course talk to me about things in the hearing of other Mums.  She's really confused about her b/m and f/c - understandably as I have almost no photos and the worst life story work I have ever seen - and sometimes she comes out with random statements about how she used to do something in foster care, in the hearing of other people.  She's also often questioned whether Bladelet will go back to his f/c in front of other kids/parents at nursery.  I don't feel like I have to explain this when she does it, I just answer her questions or gently correct/reassure her, and most people don't ask.  The only people who have commented have done so in a really positive way, somewhat to my surprise, and I just confirm yes, my children are adopted, and we are incredibly lucky to have them.

Not sure that answers the question, it's a tough one.  I think while we want to protect our children there is a part of us that screams "I have no idea what I'm doing here, this is absolutely massive for me, and I want to talk to people about how hard it can be".  In reality, when you have a very young child placed very few people understand without more explanation than you'd realistically want to give.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

i'm quite honest with people tbh. i appreciate i'm this mother of a over one year old, i live in an area where as a rule women with children work, and i have seemingly rocked up from nowhere.

i dont go into detail, just if it crops up in conversation. like at wheelie fit today, we went for a coffee after and a woman was feeding her baby and just asked if i had breast fed. and i said no as he was adopted at 13 months. no more was said   

i've only had one borderline nosy Q which was someone saying 'so you know his back story then?' possibly anticpiating i was going to tell all. i just replied yes, adoption nowadays is very open and we're told everything. she didn't push the issue.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

I am quite open to the fact that lo is adopted and like Poppet's mummy I don't shy away from the word adoption in front of our lo. It is mainly so she gets used to the word adoption.
Also I have lived in the same village/area all my life, so most people know me or seen me and know of me. For years I go to town/shopping on my own or friend/family and then all of a sudden I rock up with a two yr old, so of course questions are asked. I only say the basics, that yes she is adopted, yes she has siblings in the same position her past life is that and only myself and husband know what her past life was like and where she came from. Subject closed. Yes you do get the odd idiot and I just say " sorry I can't tell you anything as her past life is just that, the past" this seem to shut them up.

When Lo started nursery, we had to tell the teacher that she was adopted, she never seen me before and didn't know me but she said " well Mrs ******* if you hadn't of told me that I wouldn't known , she looks so much like you." 
After a few weeks I assumed most of the mothers would of known as I am known in the area and I assumed someone would of said to someone would of said to someone else ect:
But then we were invited to a Birthday Party of one of the children in her nursery and I got chatting to some of the mum's and 60% had no idea that lo was adopted as apparently she looks just like me! So you may think people who know you are talking about you but in fact it turned out in my case that most people have got their own lives to contend with and don't gossip as much as I first thought.
I actually asked one lady that I knew she knew that lo was adopted , why she hadn't said anything to the other mums and she said, "you have waited for this for so long it was your story to tell , if you wanted to. It had nothing to do with me and I appreciate this is your story to tell and no one else". This lady was not a friend, but just someone I knew and would pass each other now and then in our area. She is now a true friend 

It is your own story and it is up to you, I know some people just don't say anything and that is up to them. If you feel uneasy about it just say when you are comfortable with it or if someone has found out and ask you questions just say what I said above or say "sorry I can't talk about it as it is lo's story to tell when he wants to and any way I am not supposed to talk about his past to anyone, only myself and family know his story".

I know I have gone on a bit but just wanted to share my story when I was going through it.
You will feel who you can trust who you can't as time goes by.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

katie c - I use the 'oh yes of course _WE'RE_ told all their background' and then let it hang..and sometimes added '_OBVIOUSLY_ its the childrens story to know when they're ready' (I dont say that bit now as the children DO know it all now at 6 and 8!)...then the person knows that I know it but am not going to share it and frankly they are just being nosey  no more is usually said 

gettina..I think its one of those things that you muddle through as you go along..I remember have the same anxiousness about it in the early days..I tried not to have any hard and fast rules about it, I just went with each situation as it arose and it really depended on the person I was talking too. I kept my guard up a lot..sometimes it got awkward..I would end up getting to know someone well enough that actually I wanted to share but by then it was hard to just 'drop it in' 

I have said (nicely) to some people whom I've got to trust, 'by the way, what I just told you about the children being adopted, I would appreciate it if you didnt share that with anyone, because its quite private and I'd rather make the decisions myself about who knows..... ie No gossiping thank you 

these days the children are pretty open about..DD has even shown her life story book to people  I'd rather she didnt but you now, if she wants to then who am I to stop her 

kj x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I think continuing to muddle through is what I'll be doing keemjay as I still feel undecided. 
Gertie on the back of your advice, if I do tell, I will try and only say things I would say in front of an older version of my son. Thank you for making me think about that.
But it's nice to hear from some of you that if do mention it when it feels appropriate i know I'm not out on a limb.
Gettina x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

FWIW, I'm pretty open, too.  I, too, live in a small village and trying to pretend I'd been hiding a two year old with no-one seeing them for two years was asking for trouble!  LOL!  Funnily enough I don't tend to use the word adopted, as I think to too many people it means "second best" so I usually say he came to live with us at age 2, usually in the context of how deliriously happy we are.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I tend to tell people if I like them and feel comfortable with them, and I don't volunteer it unless I'm asked an awkward question, but recently I've been ducking those too as I tend to feel it just isn't anyone else's business. The area I live in means my children will go through their entire school life together and this suits as the schools are excellent, but I don't necessarily want them to feel people know 'forever'. There was an adopter on our prep group who said her child who was adopted aged 7 was struggling having told loads of other kids at primary school only to still be at school with those people 7/8 years on as a teenager and feeling she couldn't take back her privacy....it made me think to be honest.

Because the age gap is so small between mine I get loads of comments, but it hasn't occurred to anyone they're adopted. I was asked last week if I had 'planned' such a small gap (11 months) and I truthfully answered no. I've never been asked birth questions or how I lost the weight so fast or if I breast fed which sort of surprises me given my son came to us aged 5 months, but then I would never ever ask another mum about these things myself so maybe it's not that odd. I very much live by the ethos of respecting other people's privacy. My children's adoption isn't a secret but it is private and honestly people just don't know by looking - how can they? One of my friends did tell a lot if people when she adopted but her child had severe behavioural issues and she felt a need to explain because if you hadn't known you'd have been worried about the family, which in her shoes I would have done too.

I think all I'd say is never be pressured into talking about it - I love telling people as I'm very proud of it, but only people I've grown to like a lot and see regularly through mum / toddler groups etc and so far I've had lovely responses, but if ever you think 'I don't really want to tell you but maybe I should...' keep it under your hat


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks mummyelf and AoC too.
Am off to baby sensory today and will try to relax about keeping our privacy.
X


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi there 

I am glad you brought this subject up as I have similar worries although my lb is 22 months (however he still isn't talking) and I feel the same as you.  I have found that I tend to stick to small groups with children and luckily my lb goes to a sure start which is invitation only so there are only 5 other children in the group so I felt comfortable to tell all the other mothers.  However I still feel sad when they are discussing breast feeding and baby led weaning etc as I can't join in.  When I go to large groups I tend to keep myself to myself and stay in the shadows.  I went to a party the other week and ended up telling one of the mothers as I felt I had to weirdly because I haven't had him with me that long (just 13 weeks) and at the time I felt like everyone knew I was new to mother hood.  A lot of it is in my head.  However I am proud that I have adopted and I am not ashamed and I know that we will be open about it to our ds and so in a way I think if I like someone and feel comfortable then I will tell them, but if I don't feel I connect with someone then I will just smile and say nothing.  I think it is all down to how you feel.

I hope this makes sense.  Good luck anyway xxxx


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## flower power (Jun 8, 2008)

Hi 
I can't help on the sharing info bit as we're not quite there yet!
But on the groups and getting out front, have you looked around at various Children's Centre's? They often do groups for under 1's so not just the breast feeding brigade there! Or ask your Health Visitor if there is a smaller group for invite only, a lot of CC's do this and families are invited for all different reasons (prop need a referral from HV or SW) and the staff/ outreach at CC should be supportive (and discreet!) 
Again,as has already been said, anything that's more focused on the child, music, signing, baby yoga, story/rhyme time. That way it's You who chooses to chat after if anyone takes your fancy!  


Hopefully you'll find a mantra that works for you and your LO! 
FP xx


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