# Help needed



## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi girls

I am having a really hard time with my eldest, a brief run down, she tries to be mean to me most of the time at the minute saying I'm mean, horrible and generally not liking me very much usually when she doesn't get her own way. She has started to try to get between me and my dh again which she had stopped doing ages ago but it has all come back to haunt us. She told me yesterday she wanted to go back to her fcs in a really nasty way and I lost it and told her to go if she wants to terrible I know but I am at the end of my tether. And she cried and said that she didn't want to go and then in the next breath said she did want to go. I am ready to throw the towel in the girls sw is calling today to talk to me about it all. I really don't want to lose the girls but I don't think I could face a life of this torture it has become a battle from she gets up in the morning until she goes to bed at night, and I am very tired of it all and trying to put on a brave face for everyone and saying everything is great when it really isn't. 
I actually feel abit better writing it down but it also makes it feel very real. I knew it was going to be hard but I wasn't prepared to have a child with such major issues I feel that the sws just sugar coated her problems just to get her placed.

Love a very tired Mum


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Oh Naoise, I am so sorry your having such a hard time. I don't have any advice to give but just wanted to send my support. I think your doing absolutely the right thing seeing the girls SW, they are there to give support in situations like this and hopefully she will be able to help or give some advice. Let us know how the visit goes.
Take care love JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi - I hope the visit with the SW produced some helpful advice and support for you.

First of all YOU are not a mean Mum, YOU are a good Mum who wants the best for her children.  You won't be the first and the last to go through what you are going through right now but it will seem that way.

Remember to stay focused and stand by any rules that you make, for instance if you have a time out corner or naughty step then use it, even if you have to keep using it, it does work eventually!! 

It's a normal reaction to throw back at your DD anything that may hurt you, for instant her saying she wants to go back to her FC and you saying then go...........she is pushing you and testing the boundaries, which she may do for some time until she feels she is settled and knows she's not going any where. It's a difficult time for everyone involved and with older children they do come with what SW like to call "baggage". 

The best thing to do is to try to stay calm, take a deep breath and then try to find out what the problem is and how to best solve this, focus on the good things she doe's and praise her all the time for that & try to ignore the bad behaviour which she is doing for your attention.

I had to do this last night but not for something my son had done but what he had been accused of!  He is 14 and he is going to get into trouble from time to time but last night I had 3 girls on my doorstep telling me my son was picking on them and that he was swearing at them, none of which I believed but it took me all my time to remember I was the adult and had to keep taking deep breaths and just listen to them and then have my say!

I hope your OK and don't feel bad about anything.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Naoise
Sorry to hear your eldest is pushing you like this and making life miserable.  I don't have any practical experience so really just wanted to give you a ((((((HUG)))))) and to tell you I think you are a great Mum.  Its not easy taking on 3 children, taking on one I'm sure is hard enough.

One of the main points that really sticks in my mind is the SW telling us about how it is likely for the child(ren) to reject me as the mother figure but be all nice and smiley to DH.  I don't know whether this is likely to come and go or whether you get through it and it never raises its head again.  I know though that I will find it hard and DH already knows there will be tears after bedtime if this does happen.

I really hope your SW has been able to help today.
Love
OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Naoise

I'm sorry to read you are going through a rough time.  As I know myself it is not easy dealing with attachment issues especially when you have more than one child.

We are getting support from an After Adoption group as opposed to our SWs, do you have something similar in your area?  As they have pointed out to me my DS has had two mothers before me, your daughter may have had even more.  He often turns to DH against me but I just stand firm.  Since his attachment issues have been recognised we have made definite progress and things are a lot better.  I find it best to just stand my ground, hold my boundaries and try not to take things personally, although sometimes when I am feeling low that is easier said than done.

Don't give up just yet, she is only doing this because she is hurting so much inside.  Try and get as much support as you can.  There are various books that give you a better idea of what's going on.  Don't forget we are also here if you need to vent.

Look after yourself.

love
Cindy


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Naoise

I know just how you are feeling.  I have also been on the edge of tears more often than not this week.  It is so hard not to take their comments personally.  I feel like they are knifing me in the heart.  When you have spent all day giving 200% to have it thrown back in your face it is very tempting to hit back at them verbally (I also came very close to smacking dd this week, but somehow managed to hold back at the last minute).

DH has just withdrawn himself from it all.  If he's not at work, he is shut in our bedroom watching TV.  I am getting absolutely nil support from anyone.

I feel extra inadequate as I know their FC, who had them for 2 yaers, coped pretty well with them both.  She has also made it clear that she would have them back like a shot and long term foster them.  Now that's a tempting prospect ....................

We have our first review meeting this morning and I am hoping they can come up with some suggestions to support us.  I am also hanging on by my ragged finger nails hoping that when school starts things will get easier.  

Sorry I haven't got any answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I hope you get some support from your SWs.

Sanita


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Sanita and Naoise,
As I'm not yet there yet in terms of being a parent I can't give any practical advice but I'm sure that you're both doing an amazing job with children who would be challenging to anyone! We are members of adoption UK and one thing that seems to come up a lot in the articles that I read is to make sure that you're looking after yourself. Is there anyway that you could get a couple of hours out to have some space just for you once a week or so to enable you to recharge your batteries a little. Also adoption UK offer to 'buddy' new adoptive parents with more expereinced parents as a way of giving support (PALS-Parents are linked) it may be worth looking into.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day for both of you.
Viva
XXX


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi girls

Thanks for the replies, I am a lot calmer today than I was a few days ago thank goodness. I met up with the sw on Tuesday and I feel a bit better she didn't have any advice really just that there is going to be these blips, easy for her to say not having to live here. 
But what I know is that I am not giving up on these girls and am going to do my best to keep a level head when N is being naughty see how long that lasts 

Love K glad to have people who know what I'm going through


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi 
Glad your feeling a bit better and i hope that knowing that we all go through what you are going through helps.

It was lovely to read that your not giving up on N, you will both become stronger as you work through your differences and I'm sure she is only doing it to get your attention and to see if you will give up on her.

WELL DONE YOU!!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Ditto what Andrea said, we do know what you are going through and we are happy to help you through it the best we can.

Have a good weekend.

love
Cindy


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hey Ladies

Wanted to see how S and N are getting on? you ladies are fab Mummys and children can be mean in a way to push you to the limits in the way of "i dont want to be here" to which they are waiting for the "go then" and then they can come back with the "see-told you that no one wanted me" however if poss (and i know this is hard) however maybe say "your not going back Because WE LOVE YOU no matter what" 

Massive hugs ladies

xxxxx

PS my mother is very like a child (even though she is now 60) and does this in her relationships and to be honest it pushes men away from her where she needs them to stand up to her! hence how she is single post 4 divorces! and several relationships!

x


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi ladies

Just thought I would update you all, things have quietened down now. N is still pushing it but not as bad as before, but I really think that I am getting somewhere and she is always kissing and hugging me. That's not to say that we won't take a few steps back every now and again. The other two are doing great and T is just a little treasure. I am glad they are back to school on Monday and they are looking forward to it as well lets hope they feel the same way by the end of the week

Hope all is well with everybody sorry I am finding it hard to keep up.

Love K


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Glad to hear things have improved.  Not surprised that you find it hard to keep up on here, I find it hard with two children let alone three   

Enjoy the return to school.

love
Cindy


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Just wondered if things had calmed down now they have gone to school or has it upset things again??

Your a great Mum, keeping tellying yourself that I have to tell myself that on a daily basis and I only believe it when i say it or my DH says it!!


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