# Who to tell about TTC as a single woman and what to tell?



## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello, I'd love to hear your views and experiences of telling people about TTC as a single woman and indeed of announcing your pregnancy    and it's circumstances later on.  

I've only told close friends and family (who are all very supportive) about TTC but obviously once you are pregnant others will start wondering and may even ask point blank questions.  How have people dealt with this or how do you intend to deal with it?

I'm not keen to share the facts with the world at large, as I'd like any child that I have to hear about their story from me not someone else, but it is difficult to decide how to explain what might seem a virgin birth   to colleagues and acquaintances.  I also suspect that people would feel that need to take a (moral?) view on the issue, so that's a concern too.

Love to have your views and/or experiences.

Felix xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I have told some close friends- some have gone down this route themselves or tried this route ancd been unsuccessful, or doing single mum adoption) my donor and his partner are my support network and fantastic- I'd have lost it many times if it wasn't for them.  I have told 4 close friends at work - no-one in the office where I am based.  

I haven't told my Mum as I don't want her to worry about me going through treatment/GA's etc  and I know she would(she is elderly and disabled and lives far away from me) but we talk several times a week, I will tell her when I am pregnant (I was going to tell her last year on New Year Eve at 12 weeks but lost my baby and had my ERPC at 9 weeks + on 18 Dec) she has knitted me boxes of baby clothes years ago!

I have met no adverse comments yet. 

Some of the mums on this thread discussed this, they were teachers etc.
L x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Although i'm not about to start I have told my mum and brother what I want to do, they were not exactly keen but am quite sure when it comes to my time they will be with me all the way, they just worry about how I cope.  I mentioned it to an Aunt recently ... she was so delighted I cried at her reaction, finally someone understood and she thought it was a wonderful idea, she was so excited it was lovely.  I would keep it with my immediate family during treatment.  

Once I get pregnant I am not sure .. will have to ponder that one!


xx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

I had discussed with family and friends for quite a few years before starting treatment, but more as a joke not thinking that I would need to go it alone. So when I did start I told a few close friends and obviously my family, now most people I know know what I'm doing, including work colleagues, everyone has been really pleased for me and I've had no negative reactions.  I think i told some people as I needed surgery to remove a cyst and were asking how they found it as I had no symptoms etc, I found it easier to tell the truth rather than catch myself out trying to make something up. I go to all my appointments on my own though.

One girl I used to work with got pregnant on her own, she said she had a one night stand with an ex-boyfriend (who just happened to be back in England), this was just before I started treatment and wondered as she had had a bit of time off for Gynae probs previous to this. She denied this but I thought she might open up to me and help me too but she didn't so still don't know for sure.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I've told close family (mum and 2 sisters) what I am doing and will probably tell aunt & uncle when I see them at Xmas (won't be telling the other aunts/uncles etc until I get pregnant but these ones are partic close)
I've also told pretty much all of my close friends. And 2 colleagues at work - both people I consider friends as much as colleagues. I've had nothing but positive responses - and indeed most people have said they wondered what had taken me so long to get to it since I've clearly wanted kids for so long....Not one single person has taken a negative view or been at all moralistic - well not to my face anyway   
There was one friend who I thought might not be so positive, so I tested the water by bringing up a conversation about single mothers in general. She said immediately that she thought children should have two parents. So I just stopped there and said no more. I've got plenty of support and I don't need negativity at this stage, so I just decided better not to pursue the conversation with her. 

One thing I'm now struggling with is how to handle all these people knowing as I actually go through tx. I'm more than happy being able to talk about it now whilst I'm in the preparatory stages, but I don't know if I could cope with them all asking me how it's going once I'm actually on the 2WW each month etc. So think I'm going to have to say to them all (except close family) that I'm starting in Jan and I'll keep them posted but I'd appreciate it if they didn't ask me as it's going to be a stressful time as it is. Hopefully they will all respect that. It was a choice between not telling them until it was successful, vs wanting to be able to talk to people throughout the decision making process. I just don't know how I'm going to feel when I actually start, but I suspect I won't want to share the highs and lows of the actual tx with everyone - not until it's successful anyway....

This is turning into a bit of a long post, but anyway, once I get pregnant, I intend to be completely honest with those who ask me, but not to proffer an explanation if they don't. As I said above, pretty much all my friends know what I'm planning anyway, so not an issue with them. Just work really - most of my colleagues, including my manager etc, know I'm single, so once I get pregnant (thinking positive here  ) they will no doubt wonder how it happened. I'd prefer them to know that it was planned than have them think I had a one night stand or something, so if they ask, I'll say I wanted children, wasn't in a relationship, knew that time was not on my side, so I went to a clinic and conceived using donor sperm. If they don't ask, I won't offer the explanation though...it's not really their business at the end of the day. Although I work for a big company, my team is pretty small and news travels fast, so I imagine I'll only have to tell one or two people and the rest will know quickly enough!

I have to say I'm not really at all concerned about telling people or what people will think - their negative/moral responses are just that - their responses. As long as I'm comfortable with my choice, and have the support of my family and close friends, then that's really all that matters to me. I was nervous about telling my mum and sisters, but once they were behind me (which they totally were and I don't know why I was worried really) then for me it was quite simple.

But then I haven't even started the tx yet, so ask me again in a month's time when emotions are running higher  

Laura
x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

After my first basting I think I only told my mum and my sister and they were asking me constantly how  I was etc, which was a bit wearing, so i decided not to tell them the next time, but I felt that they didn't care. I only told my work colleagues if they asked - which most of them did !
My Mum doesn't really understand the PUPO, she doesn't really ask too much now but at least I do know that she is thinking of me. 
My sister on the otherhand is too preoccupied with her own life (incl kids!!) that she hasn't mentioned it since I last saw her which was the day AF arrived last month !!
I think that you need to do whatever works for you and that may be different each month (if it doesn't work first time)
One of my new work colleagues was asking what happens now etc and said Oh no WE'VE got 2 weeks to wait, which I thought was really sweet seeing as though I've only know her a few months.


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hi,

I've been pondering on the whole telling thing too. I'm a bit of a talker so my issue is probably about not telling _too many _ people at this stage.  Whilst i've been making my decision to start this journey I've talked it through with lots of friends, one friend actually said to me that if I decided not to do it then that was okay too - she thought I might feel pressurised to start TTC because I'd talked about it soo much!!!?! 

Once I actually start TTC I won't want to be accounting for every stage of it with a whole range of people so I've identified a core group of family and friends who can support me . That said, I am not great in asking for support so I am going to have to loosen my 'be strong' driver and actually let people know when I need a bit of tlc too.

I suppose with most people I've tested the water a bit before I've explained where my head is at. I've not had any negative reactions at all. Everyone has been really understanding and although many have said they couldn't/wouldn't want to do it themselves, none of them seem to have any reservations about my ability to cope which is reassuring!! 

When I first talked about going it alone with my mum, it was not planned but on the back of joking about the lack of decent men around. Mum's immediate response was 'I wouldn't blame you for having a go. Why should you miss out just cos. the timing of being in a relationship hasn't worked out' It turns out that Mum & Dad had already talked about it and wondered whether I would go that way. Mum said they would support me as much as they could - I was really touched!  I'm the only chance of a grandchild so that's probably something to do with it too!  I've had lots of chats with my mum since then and they both know that I've decided to go ahead and have made my first consultation appointment. I've promised that I'll talk to Dad about it when I see them at Xmas and I feel a bit wobbly about that. Mum says he's supportive but I also know he'll have his concerns (and opinions about why I'm single!!) and I don't want to have to do any convincing - just not got the emotional energy to be doing that! I've also got to be reassured my parents won't tell other people unless I've said that is ok....I'm a bit of a control freak about that part of it!

For me, I feel this stage is the least stressful when it comes to telling. I've much more concerns about what comes down the line...particlarly explaining to my (hoped for!) child and answering their questions without causing psychological damage!! I know there's lots of advice and help on DCN and in various books on that front and I have to resist getting ahead of myself to work that out too prematurely.

ok....I better do some work.....not hit the wind down for Xmas stage yet!!!!

..Di


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Yes, I'm a bit like that too Di - tend to talk too much (as you lot can probably tell from the lengths of my posts  )

Am now trying very hard to resist the temptation to tell anyone else. Key friends and family know so I think I need to keep it to that for now. Is partic hard with work - we are going through a re-organisation and I have been offered several interesting new roles. All of which I have turned down because I just don't want to take on something new and have to prove myself/work outside my comfort zone when I am also ttc. Has been hard to just offer 'personal reasons' as the excuse and not tell people why. Of course it's not their business anyway, but many of my colleagues are also friends and I would like to tell them - but just don't think it's wise to have too many people at work know - not at this stage anyway.

I'm not too concerned (yet at least) about how I'll tell the child. I think it will work itself out and if it's clear how wanted they were/how loved they are, then that should help with the potential psychological damage aspect. 

I am concerned about having a boy though and whether that will make it all much harder. Particularly since my family is so female dominated - I'm one of three girls, and my mum is also one of three girls. My father died when I was a teenager and although both my aunts and one of my sisters are married, there's a definite female bias to family gatherings and get togethers. I've got plenty of male friends though, so I guess I'll have to get them involved as much as possible. Somehow I just feel like it would be easier with a girl....but then again, perhaps not - the mother-daughter relationship can be pretty tricky too!

Gosh, better stop thinking about this too much or it will put me off trying at all  

Laura
x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

[ I'm a bit of a talker so my issue is probably about not telling _too many _ people at this stage. 
As I said earlier I have told most of my work colleagues and friends

I am not great in asking for support so I am going to have to loosen my 'be strong' driver and actually let people know when I need a bit of tlc too. 

I am a bit like that too - when I found out IUI no. 6 (well all of them really) didn't work I would only tell people if they happened to ask or saw me upset, I wouldn't ask for support or even a hug, when I could really do with it. It you find out how to loosen your be strong driver then please let me know !

Laura - As you know I'm now on my 7th IUI and for the past 18 months I had put my life on hold, didn't book holidays, make plans etc 'just in case' and that included work. After having a couple of months off treatment (with a cyst) I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore, I applied and was successful with a new job, although stressful at times, totally new and a real challenge no where near as stressful as my old position. I visited my old ward today and I've lost count of the amount of ppl that have said how well and relaxed I look.

I know it is hard but you never know when treatment will work, hopefully you'll be lucky and will work first time but as you can see it hasn't for me and several others on here, so I would do what feels right for you and if you want a new challenge then just go for it.

Hope that all makes sense.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Roo,

Thanks for the thoughts. I know it's not a good idea to put everything on hold because it's unlikely to work first (or even second or third etc) time, but the trouble with my job is the travel. If I stay in my current role, then my boss is pretty relaxed, and if I say I can't go to Finland (or wherever) then he won't question me, he'll just let me get on with things. But if I take a new role, I'll pretty much have to do what my boss asks, at least initially until I build up the relationship - and I just don't think I'd be able to manage that with the tx as well.
I was hoping the tx would be quite predictable as I have always thought my periods were 'regular' but now I realise having tracked them for 6 months that they vary from 25 to 31 days which means I basically need to reserve approx 2 weeks of every month to be in the UK as I could get LH surge any time during those weeks - so I need a boss who is not going to ask too many questions about that....

So for now at least I think better to stick with current job - at least for 6 months. If I'm not pregnant by mid next year then I'll revisit the situation and maybe think again. 

I could also do with helpful hints on how to accept support. I'm the oldest of three, and have always been the strong one - partic as my dad died when we were young. I've always been fiercely independent (probably goes a long way to explaining why I'm still single come to think of it  ) and have found it hard to ask for and accept help. Funnily enough the two single mums I've spoken to about my plans have both said this is one of the most important keys to success - ask for, and accept help....so I guess we all need to try and learn how to do that, however unnatural it feels

I've had a little too much wine with dinner tonight (went for very nice Italian here in Helsinki with a couple of colleagues) so I'm off to drink large amounts of water and get some sleep!

Laura
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I agree totally about life on hold I am in a job that I have lost the desire and feel sometimes I can't fight the NHS systems any longer for pts ( I've been in the post for 5 1/2 years) but I only think of applying for jobs that are in easy reach of the clinics etc and know in my current role I have some flexibility with morning scans etc- although I tend to work a 55+ hour week. I never really plan well in advance like holidays, conferences etc
L x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello again and thanks for the replies. Very helpful. I do wish I felt able to be more open about going along this route, but I remember reading something on the Donor Conception Network site that said think carefully before you tell people as you won't be able to take the info back once its out there. 
I've not had a negative reaction from anyone I have told but then its my friends and family I'm telling so I'm not expecting one. When my parents were visiting last week I shared my (current) baby names list with them, only to find they'd each got a list of their own!! Rather sweet really and it did give me a few extra ideas.

Re the issue of putting your life on hold, I must admit I'm doing this a bit myself. Its partly a case of reducing stress, having flexibility, but also its about not knowing what life with a baby could be like. I try and imagine it and it both scares and excites me but the details are still very hazy. Does anyone else have that? I range from looking around my flat worrying about trailing wires during the crawling stage, to thinking its fine, lots of time to sort that and what a wonderful adventure!

Oh well rambling now....

Lots of love and 

Felix xx

'Love makes a family' [Louise Sloan]


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Felix - that's so sweet about your parents and the baby names! I keep trying not to think about names yet - haven't even officially started ttc so it feels a bit premature.... although one of my friends is now 16 weeks pregnant and she's printed off the top 100 names for the last 5 years in the UK and Australia from the Internet (she's Ozzy, hubbie is English) and I have to confess I might do the same - can't help to think ahead  

As for imagining what life with a baby would be like - well I guess you never really know what it's like until it happens and the details will be different for everyone anyway. 
But it helps if you have friends and family with kids. I spend a lot of time with my sister and my niece and nephew (who are 3 and 1) and that has given me a pretty good idea of what it's like (fantastically rewarding and fun but also utterly exhausting and sometimes mindnumbingly boring too...). Also most of my friends have children (mainly aged between 1 and 6 yrs) so I've had plenty of opportunity to observe different ways of doing things over the past 5-6 years. I think perhaps one advantage of being an older mum is that you've been able to see what works/doesn't work for other people....although when it happens to me I'll probably forget it all anyway  

Laura
x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

hello Felix, JJ, Roo and Laura, 

I lol whilst reading some of the last few posts.......it's so good to know we all go through some of the same thought process  

Even though I haven't even had my first consultation yet, yesterday I found myself sketching out a different layout of my flat to fit in both a nursery and my home office....earlier I was wondering where I'll put my fancy indian coffee table with the glass top (cos in the space of a one hour visit my friend's 2 year old managed to cover the whole thing with fingerprints and bang his head on the edge).....and would the buggy be left in the communal hall or bring into the flat?!.....will my two cats get jealous and try and sleep on the babies head?!?!?.......the list goes on.....   Part of my password on this site is my favourite girls name........  

As to putting life on hold.....it's a bit different for me workwise as I am self employed - my priority is getting enough local work and involving other people so the business doesn't die a death if I am out of the picture for a while.  What I definately have found I've put on hold is the whole dating thing.....I've found myself dipping out of a few social things cos I don't have the same motivation to get out there and meet someone. I'm just about to go round to friends for Sunday dinner and they've invited their single neighbour....a few months ago I'd have been embarassed but up for it......now I'm just wishing I could lie on the sofa instead!!  There just doesn't seem to be enough time left on the old bio clock to invest in getting to know someone before TTC....and the thought of bringing it up on a first date?!?!?!?     Maybe there is a reason why Match.com doesn't have a tick box for 'trying for a baby now'......mmmm!!

Felix - I notice you quoted Louise Sloan....I just finished the book yesterday!...have you read it? what did you think? .....has helped me keep my sense of humour....whilst still poignant and very hopeful - especially on the age side......I'll be turning 41 on the 30th and I'm just praying I've not left this all too late    

Well enjoy the rest of sunday everyone......xx  Di


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Di - I'm exactly the same! I work from home a lot and my 'study' is all set up in the spare room, which would (will.... ) be the nursery, so I've been thinking about how to get desk/laptop etc in the lounge, maybe get a nice screen to hide it behind, or would it be better in my bedroom?! And same issue with the buggy, no space in the flat, but will the neighbours mind if I leave it downstairs in the communal entrance hall....

But I think it's good to think these things through - all part of the process....I feel that because I'm single it's important that I've thought through everything, even the seemingly trivial things, so that I know I will be able to cope.....

As for dating, I've totally given up on it. If I met someone purely by chance (not very likely since all my friends are married with kids so my socialising is almost entirely with couples/kids) then I'd have to see what happened/how I felt at the time. But I'm not making any active steps myself to date - I figure one thing at a time - trying to have a baby and date would just be too much for me  

I haven't read the Louise Sloan book, keep meaning to order it - although Amazon was quoting long wait times. I'll have another look and see if they've got it back in stock. Another one to add to my growing library of single woman/baby books!

Have a good rest of the weekend (wish it was longer!) 
Laura
x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

I told my sister, some close friends, and a few people at work.

I didn't tell my parents as it was so soon after my adoption disaster and I didn't want to put them through anymore heartache and worry.

I wouldn't ever have made it public knowledge though TBH. Nobody's buisness apart from mine and bubs really.

Love

Emma x


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## sarahjoy (Nov 21, 2004)

I told a few people I felt comfortable letting know.  I feel its important that when Jack and Hannah find out how they were conceived, it comes from me and they don't hear it from anyone else first!
If I don't want people knowing, I tell them its a very long story, and if they push for more info, tell them its none of their business.
I think some people thought Jack was an 'accident', but with Hannah's arrival it made it clear he/they weren't.  Now I say I had an 'arrangement' with Jack's father, which is more or less true.
Sarah


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## princess-mimi (Aug 26, 2006)

when i decided to go ahead with DIVF i only told my close family and friends, and when i was luckily enough to become pregnant i thought i wasn't going to tell many people,but as the pregnancy went along i began telling alot more people including my midwife, health vistor and consultant who were all very supportive. I have only come across one person how surprised me in saying that i was beening very selfish in raising a child on my own without a father. I didn't take any notice of him as his ex partner is raising his child without any involvement from him.

Kimberley


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Lovely picture of Amelia - soooo sweet!

I loved the story of the guy who had no involvement with his child anyway! Thats just typical! Glad you were able to just ignore him! People in glass houses...... and all that


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hello peeps....  

thought I'd add a bit more on the 'telling thread'...... well Dad came on his own to pick me up from the airport on Xmas eve.....tactical move by mum I think so that I could 'have the chat'.  Somehow it was a bit easier sat in the darkness of the car!  So I says " what about my plans then?!" (knowing mum has told him)  he says ..."yeah well don't blame you...go for it....why not" 
Anyway after some sharing on my part and quizzing him a bit more about his thoughts....he said all the right things and I got in my bit about him absolutely having to keep this information to himself (my dad is the worst gossip ever!).  No mention of 'why have you not found a man etc' .  No 'useful' suggestions about where I might find one.... All very positive really..

The next day.....at Auntie and Uncles...me drunk on brandy and hot water as suffering from bad cold.  Uncle drunk on 2 bottles of red.  He's showing me something on his computer and I just slurr out 'so I'm going to have fertility treatment in the New Year' ....response...."yeah well don't blame you...go for it....why not"  !!  So that's about it really.  It seems like this is a bigger deal to me than to anyone else!!      One more hurdle out of the way.......!


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## going it alone (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi all
When I was going through treatment I told only a hand full of people, more in case things didn't work I didn't want constant questioning. WHen I became pregnant I didn't care who knew how. My attitude was that I want people to know that my children were planned and wanted and not the product of an accident, one night stand or sordid affair or that I was abandoned by a man when I was pregnant. ALso the girls are going to know as soon as they can understand so the more people who know, the better.
I was amazed by the reaction that I got from the majority of people. I don't know what they think behind my back, but to my face everyone has been supportive. I have also had at least four people asking me how I went about it because they have a friend...
Best of luck everyone

Sam xx


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