# Preparing myself....but HOW ?



## Hollysox (Nov 7, 2004)

Hello...I'm not sure where to start...

I have just had my 3rd DIVF which has failed miserably after what looked like my best ever quality eggs...I am devastated   I have 3 frozen embies which will be, if used, my last chance at becomming a mummy....My age is against me big time (44) so it looks very probable that I wont ever have my own baby.  If the FET fails like my other tx's have...how do I come to terms with that fact ?  Right now I fell so low and dont know how to cope with this grief yet again....in many respects I am wishing I'd never even tried to have a baby...cos if I hadn't I could have always thought to myself that it was cos I chose not to have one...instead I have tried and failed time and time again making me feel an even bigger failure than I already do with my stupid life !!!  I feel empty and alone...it hurts so much... 

I'm so sorry to go on like this...if anyone out there can give me any advice I would be so grateful


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi there Hollysox. You sound so down and any of us could have written this straight after treatment. You need to give yourself time to grieve- i take it that this latest bfn is very recent and therefore very raw. You do have a chance at fet but you must take time to think whether you really want to put yourself thru all this again. on the other hand will you feel that if you dont use the frozen embryos that maybe you should have further down the line.??

That was part of the reason we didnt do ivf- my dh wasnt too keen on ivf but i know if i had pushed hard enough he could have got his head round fresh cycles -that would have been very expensive. The iui was devastating when it failed too as we are unexplained(and he has a dd already)- we thought we only needed a shove in the right direction. It was so much worse doing a pg test after iui than naturally and i dont think i could have gone ahead with ivf in the end myself.

You need to give yourself time to see what you really want to do.Are you ready to give up or would you consider having a plan at the other end such as adoption? We didnt consider adoption as i have more or less brought up my stepdaughter since age 5 and there are not a lot of babies available here.So when we stopped it was for good(unless there was a natural miracle!). It was so hard at first but after a year i am coming to terms with our decision.

I still have awful days and periods and i am waiting for the imminent announcement from my sister to say she is pg (she got married in aug and is nearly 35). i know i will be devastated.

Take care and take time honey. We will be here waiting when you decide xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Hollysox
I can really feel your pain and i have every bit of empathy for you. Its definately a mind game entering into the world of infertility and all that comes with it. I don't think anyone really understands the full depth of it, until you expereince it yourself. I also feel that it gos to deeper depths when there is a negative after negative. That also takes us to another dimention and it flipping hurts.
I think Hollysox you have a few things to deal with at the moment. Dealing with the grief of going through another treatment and it failing. To the pressure of age, which is an over consuming thought and it just adds more to the misery of infertility. To wishing why you ever entered this in the first place and then having to deal with a future without having your own child.
As Irisheyes says its is about looking at the grief. I know its easier said than done about taking each day as it comes, because you feel time is running out. But this is your path and however painful and emotional that this has been in your life. To reach a point when you feel that you have done all you can, will eventually bring some relief...
I think we add pressure on ourselves thinking about the future. Hollysox it is about today and maybe discussing with your partner where you are going from here. Just give yourself some time to heal and then maybe face the dilemma of what you are going to do with the embryos. 
It is about finding the path for you...maybe in a weeks time can you write down on a piece of paper about where you go from here. The fors and against about continuing with treatment. If its still in your head then you may not be ready to give up as yet? If the embryos were good on your last treatment, could you let this one go? But don't think of the future, please deal with the immediate issues of where you are going from here and you may beable to think alittle straighter. Maybe contemplate where you are going with this after christmas, so that it gives you alittle time.
I feel your pain and i really do feel for you..
Keep in there with whatever you choose to do, because you have been brave so far..
lots of love astridxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Hollysox,

How I feel for you. I think the advice from Astrid and Irisheyes is really sound. 
I'm not sure you can prepare in any other way than this, to allow yourself to grieve for all you have been through and to take one mangeable step and one decision at a time. 

This going through the last decisions and treatments is possibly the hardest part of the journey. Use the support that is available to you, that you have felt valuable before. Try to be gentle with yourself and not to think of yourself as a failure. I know how hard that can be when what you most want and have tried so hard to achieve just is not happening. You need reminding of all the things you are good at and all the reasons you are valued. If nobody else is reminding you, then make a list. I know that might seem silly and I absolutely know that you will look at that list and say "None of that is any good. I just want to be a mum." But I promise it will help, just a tiny bit, to be reminded of the positive things that go to make up Hollysox. These are the things you will need to build on whatever the future holds (Even mothers need some internal source of self belief and esteem.)

I don't think that if you had not tried treatment you would have been able to convince yourself that you did not really want children. Try to see it that the treatment failed, not you. Medical science is not perfect, they just don't know enough yet to guarantee success.

It might help to try some relaxing treatment like some kind of massage. During my final treatment (myomectomy and a final IVF which led to a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage) I had Shiatsu. I never felt more deeply relaxed than during the massage and for the rest of the day, despite all I was going through. I wish I had kept it up after the miscarriage, but somehow I could not go back.  I did not think I deserved it, that was probably when I needed it most. Recognising that now is why I recommend it to you.

My thoughts are with you

love jq


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh Holloysox I was in floods of   reading your post, it brought back the same rawness of how I felt when my 4th DIUI failed to reach even insem stage   (as happened on every single attempt with it   all had to be medically abandoned)  and I felt soooooo low, thoughts of wanting to just drift away from this life were very prevalent in my mind. I knew in my heart I wouldn't do anything silly but it didn't stop me hoping my life might just be taken quietly away. That is how deeply, deeply painful both the continual failure of tx can be for some of us, and the decision whether to keep on fighting or to stop is the biggest you may ever have to make. For me the pain and stress of three years of my tx, with every single step of the journey going wrong, just drew me almost naturally to a place where the pain of ending tx actually seemed the lesser of two enormous evils   than enduring another cycle of tx failure, especially as the odds for success for me and Dh were so tiny to start with.

The first few weeks after ending the tx journey I was numb, relieved, angry, lost, depressed, scared, and very vulnerable, and I could not imagine how on earth I would continue on with life  . Eight months on my journey is still at times deeply raw and painful, but I have been amazed at how truly strong the human spirit can be in a situation you hoped you would never find yourself in, and I have shocked myself at how I have managed to regain a small part of my previous happier self/life back prior to the living hell that was IF tx.

Only your heart can tell you the next step, which I know is sooo hard as it is both weary and battered, but and I am sending you the hugest of hugs and wishes that some sort of path will show itself to you as what to do next. As the other fab ladies have said, do give yourself some time, you have endured so much. I can only imagine that having once had a bfp and then endured a deeply painful loss of this little one, probably makes the decisions even harder as at one point the dream very nearly had a chance, and I can't begin to imagine how distressing that loss must have been for you. 

Please keep talking to us on here, however deep or raw your feelings this thread is a very safe and supportive haven and it was what helped me keep a grip and hold of my life through a heartbreaking time.

HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE hugs  

Love
Hippy
xxxxxxxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear JQ and Hippy
I was so touched by your posts...
I think you said something so profound JQ...and that is the treatment failed us and not us who failed!. I never looked upon it like this and i feel a little more light hearted knowing that valuable piece of advice...thx 
Hippy your post was so beautiful and heartfelt...i can see that his journey has been immensely painful for you and i think you have real strength of character. 

lots of love astridxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Hollysox
I'm so sorry very sorry to hear that you are having such and awful time.
The whole infertility thing is just indescribable.
You have been very brave.
I am sure you will go on to make the best decision for you and your husband.
I also am feeling the pressure of age.
I have just turned 42 yrs and by biological clock sounds like a nuclear device.
Just take time to be. I have found that if I try to do just 1 nice thing for myself each day that has helped. Even if it's just a simple thing in a busy day at work like taking 1/2 hr for a nice cup of coffee and a magazine somewhere that has helped. It's just saying to yourself that you're important enough to care for.
With IVF you're putting your body and soul so much through the mill that it is easy to forget the importance of being gentle with yourself, and forgiving yourself and valuing what is you. Let youself cry too and don't feel bad about it.
I love what you said jq about the treatment failing you and not you failing treatment - that puts it all in it's right place.
Take care and hugs across the miles from New Zealand

Emma


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello again Hollysox,

Just wanted to clarify that I was not meaning to suggest you tried Shiatsu (unless it appeals) but that you do as Emma says and remember to care for yourself. Little things everyday and maybe a bigger treat on a regular basis.

So when we say "take care" we mean it, not just empty words at the end of a message.

Lots of love

Jq


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