# Why all the secrecy?



## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Hi ladies

I was devastated when we found out that OH has very low sperm count + almost no motility. I told my sister straight away but being an ex-pat living away from home, I also turned to my closest friends for support. One friend never wanted to have children and we'd meet weekly to catch up. It was refreshing to hear her perspective on life without children. She'd remind me that I have a job that I love, I'm healthy and have a good life. All true. She also said that if ICSI doesn't work out, not to worry because she will always there - childless too.

Well, it turns out that when I dropped my infertility bomb, she was already in the throws of IVF herself . 
Although it's true that she doesn't want children, her OH does. He had testicular cancer, hence the IVF route and it worked first time. I'm happy for them but imagine my shock when she announced that she was 3 months pregnant. I still feel very hurt and apart from a few text messages, haven't seen her since.

Why the secrecy when it comes to infertility? I'm not sharing my situation willy nilly but I'm not ashamed to admit that we need help.

Anyways a 6th friend announced her pregnancy news yesterday and i just broke down . 
We are about to start our first ICSI cycle, I would love chat to people who are also going through the same thing.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, I did tell a few friends to start with.  They would ask after me periodically but then, as time wore on and I had more and more treatment, they stopped asking so I stopped telling.

It then became an issue of self preservation.  I didn't want to tell people as I didn't want them asking.  I found it too hard to talk about as time wore on and I became more and more broken and it was just too hard to express how I felt.  I became very introverted and quite a recluse.  Once I decided to stop treatment and move on with a childless future, I actually posted a message on 'social media' explaining to everyone why I'd been absent from pretty much every gathering for the previous few years.  I didn't mind sharing then as I had moved on.

I think there is also an issue of feeling like a failure.  I felt that my body had let me down and admitting it to myself was hard enough, never mind discussing it with other people.  I think it's possibly just a very personal experience and we all deal with it differently.  Some people seek out support and others retreat into themselves while they try and get their heads around it.  

I don't know if any of that makes sense?

xxx


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

I've always been very open about my fertility issues - with friends, family, acquaintances. For me, being in a same-sex couple, I wanted people who didn't know the process very well to stop assuming that all gay couples use a turkey baster and job done. 

But after two failed cycles, I did the same as MandyPandy, I stopped talking about it to most of my friends. I was tired of hearing 'you can just try again', as if it was that easy - and inexpensive. I didn't want to keep going on about how sad and frustrated and anxious I felt all the time.

I do get the impression that, for some, if the issue is male factor, it can be a pride thing.


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

I wanted to comment as like your friend I didn't tell any of my friends about treatment as my husband is very private and didn't want me discussing male factor issues with them as some people dint understand and we just wanted to get on with things privately! We told our direct family and they were an immense support! 

I always said to myself if I am ever lucky enough to have a child I will explain to my friends why I was AWOL for a year as I distanced myself! I have since had a little girl and I didn't ever explain to my friends and they knew not to probe! 

I have to admit the not telling was tough on me and I think that why I distanced myself! 

Sorry for the long winded story but your friend will have her reasons and she will be protecting herself and DH I'm sure as often people don't want the pressure of others knowing! 

Wishing you all the luck in the world for your cycle! Xxx


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Dear All

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and helping me see the other side of the story. In the first text after the fall out my friend wrote that she was very sorry but she just could not tell me anything. 

I do understand that it is a private matter and she most certainly wanted to respect her OHs privacy. Still, I can not bring myself to get in touch but my OH says that I might see things differently if/when   I get pregnant myself. 

In light of all the pregnancy announcements, I find myself distancing myself from everyone too. That's why after months of lurking around, I've finally introduced myself and I am very glad I did. 

@ MandyPandy and HopingAndPraying: Congrats on your natural BFPs! It gives me hope. Can I ask, did your DHs also take vitamins/supplements? 

@sarahsuperdork: Good luck with your EC on the 8th. I've just started down reg. on 29th Feb, so am a few weeks after you.


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## MrsE1982 (Jul 10, 2015)

We have told just family and a couple of close friends.(we call them our inner circle)  Partly because we are using BIL as a donor, so the family need to know so that they can prepare for their relationship with our child (who will know too) This was a great deal of support whilst we were waiting to start treatment, going through counselling to get over DH's diagnosis and also making a decision on if we could take up BIL on his wonderful offer.

BUT I have found this really difficult now we are actually in treatment. DH's family are doubly invested as both my DH and his brother are involved, they only care and love us but I found the 'when are you next at the clinic...' really hard to cope with - especially as they all assumed it would work first time. I had to go around telling them the cold hard facts that it was unlikely to work and appear really negative. But I just wanted to manage their expectations.

Also it felt like there was NO OTHER conversation every time the family got together (which is a lot - we all live in each others pockets!) 

This time I have asked BIL and his wife if we can keep the specifics out of the family conversation as much as possible and its working a lot better for us. 

I have found myself distancing from friends - not because they are all pregnant or have kids, but because I am not drinking. It sounds awful (and really boozy!) but our entire social life revolved around drinks, cocktails parties and going to nice restaurants. So if I am not drinking they will just assume I am pregnant - and that is just too much to bear right now! I wouldn't mind if i actually was!

What I did work out this week though - after a call to a friend is that they actually know and have worked it out. We have been married for over 3 years - have always said we wanted kids and I'm nearly 34 and hubbys 42. - So their assumption is that we are going through this roller coaster. All she said to me was 'and are you ok?' and that was enough. 

Please don't feel angry with your friend - she was probably going through a self preservation thing herself. It affects us all differently - and she has probably distanced herself because she is pregnant and you are not. My sister in law had a baby the week before we started treatment and I had to actually tell her that I wanted our baby not hers, and that I couldn't be more in love with the new arrival....I would have hated her first few days of motherhood be worrying about me! So maybe, if you can, call up your friend and explain this to her?


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Wishing you lots of luck with your cycle.  I understand the wanting to distance yourself and your OH is probably right, it will be different once you're pregnant yourself. Maintaining relationships with those around you can be very hard when you're in different places and at different points in your journey. But it's worth the effort - these are the people you will need further down the line.


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi ahopeful

I think it's understandable that you are distancing yourself as you are hurt as you confided in her and she had an opportunity to tell you she was going through IVF but didn't for her own reasons! 

I think during IVF you want your head to be in the best place possible so if that means distancing yourself for a short time then that's OK as you need to look after you! Hope you have others that can provide good support through your cycle! And again wishing you lots of luck and you have first time success  

To answer your question my husband had an operation to remove a varicocele that causes sperm problems so I think that coupled with clean living and vitamins helped our case as his first ever SA was very low count (5000) and then gradually over 11 months it reached normal counts (19 million) ! He also took a 40 day course of antibiotics and we seen the biggest increase after those as his numbers doubled! Sadly now we are back to low numbers again so it was short lived but very very thankful for my DD! 

I found a lot of useful information from this site which was invaluable throughout our journey! 

Good luck again xxxxx


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Thanks HopingandPraying, Sarahsuperdork for all your well wishes  ! 

I shall be focusing on myself for the moment, see how this first cycle goes. I am nervous and anxious for whats to come but I've joined the March/April 2016 Cycle Buddies so will be in good company  .

I agree, good relationships are important and I do intend sort things out, once I am ready.


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Hi MrsE1982

You mentioned that you will be using your BIL as a donor - what a kind gesture and gift. Due to my OHs low sperm etc. we were told to consider using a donor and I wondered if we could perhaps ask his brother. However OH said absolutely no donors  which I do understand but still...

I also wanted to say that I totally understand when you write about '_managing expectations_'. My sister (she has 2 kiddies, naturally) has a really positive -the wonders of science- attitude and I have to remind her that the chances are low, we have to be realistic. Plus she always asking...about the treatment, the injections, the dildo-cam !

Its good that BIL + wife are helping to keep the topic out the family conversations and its working out better for you both. Anyways, how's it going with the stims? Do you have a date set for DIUI?


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## marty123 (Dec 26, 2015)

Hello, dear ahopeful! I'm so sorry for the tough period you're having now  
Firstly I should say that this is really unfair to keep everything in such a secret from people who trust you all their troubles. I think she might tell you a single word about her intentions. Though she knows what a struggle you're facing.. I told my relatives and close friends about our desire to have a baby through ivf ('cause we couldn't do it ourselves). Also I liked talking to people on the forums as I knew there were lots of women being in the same boat with me, feeling and understanding the same. I should admit that this support plays an important role even now.
I'm sorry but I have no experience in ICSI. We've already had the 1st shot of de ivf in Biotexcom 3 weeks ago. 2ww showed negative. Anyway there are 4 more rounds left. Doc says we'll definitely achieve the pregnancy. She's marvelous and I absolutely believe her   
May people be more sensitive to each other's problems. Probably this could protect us from heartbreaks, dear. 
Wish you all the best with your treatment


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

ahopeful said:


> Dear All
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and helping me see the other side of the story. In the first text after the fall out my friend wrote that she was very sorry but she just could not tell me anything.
> 
> ...


Thank you. 

It's hard to pinpoint exactly what changed for us. We were initially diagnosed with MF (poor morphology. Something like 99% abnormal forms). As time and treatment wore on, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's (an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid). I changed my diet to exclude grains, eggs and dairy but gave up on it when we decided to move to surrogacy (September 2012) - although I am still egg free and largely gluten free with only the tiniest bit of dairy (milk in tea and sometimes cheese) as it's now become habit.

When I found out I was pregnant naturally, I had been far from on plan (both the first and the second time!) but, unlike when we had ttc naturally prior to treatment, I was on thyroid medication.

In terms of DH, he used to take quite a lot of ranitidine for indigestion. He saw Dr Ramsay who told him to come off it. DH also barely drinks alcohol or caffeine and doesn't smoke. His diet, however, is far from ideal as he rarely eats veg (he's like a 2 year old when it comes to eating it) but his supplements include Wellman Conception, Zinc, Vitamin E and he drinks 'Super Greens' to make up for his lack of vegetable intake. He's not overweight and (well certainly then anyway) was exercising regularly.


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## MrsE1982 (Jul 10, 2015)

Hi hopeful, 

Yes it is a wonderful thing he is doing and this is how my husband has managed to get his head around it all. It has its moments (both my MIL's sons are involved in this - so its as if she has a bit more to say about it) but all in all has been a positive experience so far. The decision was reached slowly and with lots of discussion and counselling. And BIL already has completed his family so this helps me too. 

IUI is tomorrow so last day of Gonal F today and then a trigger shot at 6pm for me. Then we are into the wait again!! 

Fingers crossed!

The thing to remember is that everyone just wants the best for you and is sending positivity your way. Its not their fault that they don't know what to say or when to stop asking questions. You just have to muddle through as best you can. Just as much as you haven't been here before, neither have they and they just love you. This helps me to stop snapping at people (or even strangling them!) Also part of it is pure curiosity - your sister is right, science is amazing. It boggles my mind that if we were just 10 years earlier we would have no clue why DH had no sperm and it would be one of those painful mysteries. If people have had no experience of the injections, dildo cams etc then they are bound to be curious. 

As much as I wish I wasn't in my situation - I do find all of the sciency bits fascinating and can totally see why some people would like a blow by blow account! I would!


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## Bax (Feb 25, 2015)

I absolutely agree 100% with what everyone has already said - I didn't tell anyone that we were cycling, and I got annoyed when DH told MIL.  I think that was self preservation on my part but, in retrospect, it was totally unfair on DH - I tend to bottle things up but he rarely keeps anything to himself and works out his emotions by sharing them.  Everyone is different.

Someone else has said something which really strikes a chord with me, and has helped me - more recently - take joy in others' pregnancies.  I don't want their baby, I want OUR baby.  After starting to cycle I also became amazed at the wonderful way nature makes babies - and especially if they're given a helping hand with treatment.  I changed my attitude completely from being distant and jealous, to being more open and welcoming to new babies coming along.  Now I'm happy to have a circle of cute children around me, but it did take a long time to get there.

Good luck x


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Hallo marty123
Thanks so much for your kind words  . It really does help to be able to talk it out and have feedback from women going through the same thing. 

I'm sorry about your negative but wish you all the best for your next go at IVF  . I've read that chances increase on a second IVF...of course we all wish it would work the first time round. 
Take good care , I hope our baby dreams come true soon   .


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

Hallo Bax
I've never thought of it like that before and its so true . If i'm honest, i'm still at the distant and jealous stage. So far, i've managed to avoid meeting 2 babies on OHs side (selfish, I know ). However a good friend of mine is having her little girl in a weeks time, so I really need to pull myself together and be there for her. I shall keep reminding myself: I don't want her baby, I want our baby  .
Thanks so much for sharing .


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## ahopeful (Sep 12, 2015)

So just an update: my good friend had her little girl 2 weeks ago!

The back story is that we were both TX for over a year and supporting each other throughout which was nice . She did eventually get her BFP and a few weeks later, I found out that we would need to go down the ICSI route. As our journeys started to go different ways, I found it difficult staying in close contact and made excuses not to meet . Now her little girl has arrived, our mutual friend has flown over especially to visit. I've know these lovely ladies since Uni, I had to meet up but was dreading it. I haven't seen my friend since she got pregnant and our mutual friend since I announced that we were trying for a family.

To my relief, I actually enjoyed meeting her newborn _and_ I didn't feel any jealousy what so ever -hurrah! They all asked a bit about IVF/ICSI and I just said we're just at the beginning of treatment but actually I'm 2ww. So now I'm the one holding back . But I get it now, I have to protect myself. If this cycle doesn't work out, I do not want to be dealing with questions afterwards.

ps. the girls all advised me to 'just relax' and it will happen


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## Swee (Oct 20, 2016)

I choose not to speak about it because I have read so many times that IVF doesn't always work out and number of cycles are needed. I'd rather just save myself from all the questions and say if it didn't work I need time to deal with it myself rather than the 'don't worry, you'll get there'

This is why I have chose not to share with anyone except for a friend who is currently under going IVF at the same time.

I am even scared of telling her the BFN/BFP as I don't know how her treatment will turn out

It's difficulty topic to share - its very emotional and draining


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