# Please help- our new son won't sleep upstairs



## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi,

We bought our DS home on Friday, he's doing great, but he won't go to sleep in his room. The Friday night he came home he did, he slept for 3 hours and then woke up, he'd walked to our room, we took him back to his room and he wouldn't get back into bed, he wanted to go downstairs, so we thought we'd play with him in his bedroom, which we did for 3 hrs and he was fighting his tiredness, I tried putting him back into bed and he clung to me crying his heart out and asking for foster mum. We took him downstairs and he fell asleep and he woke up at the usual time. Saturday night we tried again, went into his bedroom and he wouldn't get into bed, tried playing again and he again started crying saying he wanted to go downstairs. So we took him downstairs and he went pretty much straight to sleep. Last night after his bath I carried him into his room and changed his nappy and got him ready for bed on his bed and he was fine.
Me and DH try and play with him in his bedroom during the day, so he knows this is his room and it isn't scary. LO is 2 yrs and 9 months and as soon as he knows it's bedtime, he asks for foster mum , cries and then says he wants to go downstairs. We don't know if this is to do with regression or even know what to do.
Has anyone experienced this or can help?
I did think to just keep him in his room and when he's at the door keep saying a firm no, but he's made attachments with us and I don't want this to be a setback and I don't want him to hate his room.

Thanks xx


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Sorry forgot to note, last night Sunday night, after getting him ready on his bed, we tried putting his duvet on and he scrambled out of bed, again crying that he wanted to go downstairs. When he came downstairs he asked for us to put his fav cartoon on we said no they've gone to bed. Last night as he's more attached to me, I said goodnight to LO saying mummy's going to her bed and he didn't follow, he kept asking DH where's mummy? He even wanted to come ukstairs to see me, DH came with him to show him and then said u go to ur bedroom and he clung to DH saying down, for downstairs 
Just don't know what to do


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2014)

Aw although I'm not in your position & can't really advise like others may be able to, I thought I'd just wish you the best with your LO   I guess it will take him a while to settle after such a big change, but sounds quite positive so far re attachment. I may end up adopting, not sure yet. All the best xx


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Poor little boy, everything he is doing is completely normal for a little boy who has had his whole world turned upside down.  I think newly placed children can cope reasonably well during the day and it is often only at night that their anxiety really shows.  

It's far too early for him to have any attachment to you, although he may be starting to like you, bond with you and desperately needs you to survive.  I think at the moment you need to keep him very close and this includes at night - have you considered co-sleeping or having his bed in your room or even sleeping in his room?  This is what you would do if he was a newborn - and at the moment, he has the emotional needs of a newborn.

Good luck, lack of sleep is horribly hard.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,
Just s quick reply...
Firstly   it's so difficult when Los first come home.
However you need to remember he's basically a frightened little boy, he may be developing a bond with you but you are long way from attachment. He misses his familiar bed and people...
Do you have nightlights/ calming music in his room?
I would say you shouldn't even be considering leaving him alone in his bedroom at the moment. You need to either sleep in there with him or could he sleep with you in your room?
Lots of people on here have had similar issues and have slept in with their Los for some time, although it may be difficult at the time it will be worth it in the end. 

Good luck x


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Even 16-months down the line, we're doing a fair bit of co-sleeping and always lie with AS until he falls asleep.  I think all children love the reassurance of someone being close at night - and my non-adopted nieces and nephews have all done a fair amount of coming to their parents bed

I really recommend reading Margot Sunderland, What Every Parent Should Know - she has a good chapter on sleep.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Sorry for very quick reply but didn't want to read and run.

Lots of good advice from other posters.  I think I would very gently put my foot down about going downstairs.  Bedtime is bedtime, but be prepared to stay for as long as needed because it's going to be a scary and upsetting time for a while.  You mentioned he's been clinging to you crying - do you think he would go to sleep in your arms when he's upset?  I have slept in both children's rooms on placement, and my daughter, nearly 4, usually goes to sleep in my arms at night.  I don't think that's a bad thing for us at all.

All the best and congratulations on your new son.

Wyxie xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Definitely don't allow him to go back downstairs as it's genuinely counterproductive in the long run. Our LO is 2yrs 9mths and although nights aren't an issue anymore, daytime naps are (he's given them up but often still needs them) and the only way to get him to sleep is to cuddle him to sleep in my bed. It's a lovely time together and even if he's driving me nuts and I want to strangle him, cuddle time makes a big difference to reinforcing our bond.

Stay with him till he sleeps and stick to a routine. Ours is bath and teeth, cream, get dressed, into bed, one story (he often them wants to read it to us), prayer and a song (Jesus Loves Me -plenty of non-Christian alternatives). Once the song is done, we tell him we love him and me and him blow kisses to one another as I leave and the light goes out. This took over a year to establish though!!
I spent a year cuddling him to sleep, wrapped in a special blanket whilst bouncing in an Ikea chair and singing to him. Even now, he still wants his teddy and special blanket to sleep with. 

I know it's really hard now and you're probably both exhausted but it's worth the tears and challenge to establish a routine.


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## Jo09 (Oct 12, 2009)

Hi dawn 

Our experience was not the same as yours but our dd does resist going to bed and needs lots of reassurance still 6 months in. I have to get into bed with her every night and cuddle her to sleep which can take 10 mins on a great night or over an hour on a bad night. 

What advice does your sw have? Ours seemed to think it was a bad idea to sleep with her until she dropped off, precedents and all that, but speaking to others and following my instinct I've carried on with it as I do think its great for bonding. Like someone said you would do it with a newborn. 

Both our dd and ds have had spells in our bed if that helps them feel safe. 

Its very early days for you and I'm sure his sleeping will get better x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We had a very similar issue with our boy when he came home at 2 years old.  Yes, others are right and definitely stop taking downstairs, although it's hard to know what to do when you're first faced with it!  We let him come downstairs a couple of times but it only made things worse.

Everything he's doing is perfectly normal, and it will get better.    ((((hugs))))

Eventually I stayed with him in his room until he fell asleep, usually on me in a chair, then transferred to cot.  There were some pretty turbulent, crying, screaming, tantrumming bedtimes and some easier ones, but in the long run it was time and allowing him to grieve his foster carer that settled things down.  The other big thing for us was changing him from cot to cot bed, which gave him the element of choice and stopped him feeling hemmed in, and meant I could lie on the floor next to him while he dropped off.  Then, when he was much more secure and settled, I started the "I'll be back in five minutes.... ten minutes... fifteen minutes....." which helped establish a more sensible bedtime routine.

He had a bit of a bedtime wobble recently, so we changed bed setup again, introduced singing songs to bedtimes, and sometimes I'll leave music playing in his room, which all seem to work nicely.

It was EXHAUSTING while bedtimes were so dysfunctional, so make sure you're not doing anything more than you really need to at home.  I should have got DH to cook while I was putting to bed, but I never tackled that one, so would come out of Bug's bedroom at 9.30pm, emotionally exhausted, and be greeted by DH saying he "couldn't cope with dinner being this late....."

I did correct him.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Great advice already. I would be staying with him in his room but not playing. I would sit by his bed or if necessary co-sleep. I'm not sure he even wants to go downstairs as such but rather just doesn't want to be alone. My lo would go down ok but then wake up and I spent many a night sleeping in his room. It's very early days. It takes time but it will get better.


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi All, 

Thanks for all the advice and tbh I never thought of LO as a newborn but that makes sense.
I'm happy to say that for the past 2 nights LO has slept in his own bed, I sat on the floor and leaned over him and sang nursery rhythms and he finally fell asleep. I think I easily sang baa baa black sheep at least 200 times lol also I bathed him before bed and massaged him whilst getting him into pyjamas.

It's early days but I'm glad we didn't continue to have him sleeping downstairs

Thanks again and I'm sure I'll be back for more advice soon


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Aww dawn, I know you've had difficult nights but your last post made me feel all 'awww' for you. What lovely bonding time for you and your LO. I would get learning some other rhymes! Twinkle twinkle is a fav of my youngest, so much so that when he was snarly one afternoon and was obvious he NEEDED a nap (he doesn't nap) he went to sleep in 2 minutes having a cuddle and twinkle twinkle! Kids that age love actions too! So glad you managed to get him comfortable in his bed. They so love being pampered! I even dry, and powder and snuggle my eldest after a bath sometimes, they missed out on so much of that when they were babies. Hope nights continue to improve!


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Thanks Phinie  

Gosh u get to do this for 3, have to be honest and say I can't wait to get our youngest child, but I'm not looking forward to doing intros again 

Good news is our eldest has slept in his bed every night now since Monday, the little star and has slept straight through every night. 

Although tonight he woke up after an hour and I took him straight back to bed, looks like an angel when he sleeps 

Also glad everything's going so well for u xx


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## mummy to little pea (Nov 8, 2013)

Not had a chance to read through all the replies but am sure there are some good ones there.  My advice given from little ones foster parents is start as you mean to go on, I would stop sleeping down stairs as this will be a nightmare getting him out of it in a cpl months, I had to sleep with little one when she came home, I lay on the floor with my hand through cot holding her hand, he needs to know that the bed is safe place as he has just been removed from old bed, did the foster carer give you an old sheet, this helped our little one, if not could you poss call her n ask for one even if she has washed them the scent will still be there, also try using one of the night clocks and explain it to him really good thing, try reading his book in bed with you on the bed if suitable that way he will think if you are there then it is fine, try going shopping with him for new bed sheets and let him choose them.  Good luck this is a horrible thing to go throu for you all and very tiring but as I say start as you mean to go on and you will see the benefits. You just have to think would you let him play with a hot pan and act as if it is one by being firm and saying no, he will be testing you right now and trying his boundaries xxx


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

I co-slept with my son at night time since he was a newborn.  Initially lots of the health visitors gave me the advice the were instructed to give about how it's supposed to be dangerous with newborns but gradually over time most of them admitted to also co-sleeping with their children.  It's the loveliest way to settle a child and they sleep so much better,  they go off to sleep easier and sleep much longer,  stir gently rather than wake up screaming.  It's the most natural thing.  newborns scream to be with their mothers as a survival instinct.  In the days of early man a child left alone would not survive so if adopted children regress to newborn behaviour then I agree they need to be kept very close,  particularly at night.  My son is 18 months old and I've only recently started sharing my partners bed at night instead of my sons and I regularly have to return to my sons bed early in the morning.  It will mean lots of early nights for you (You can explain that once he's asleep you will go and spend time with Daddy but he just needs to call you if he wakes and you'll come straight back etc).


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

There are lots of books and information about sleep training with odd advice/conflicting advice for newborns which I found strange.  Some methods seemed mean.  For example some books suggested if your child is crying to go in,  not say a word touch them on their chest to let them know you're there then leave the room.  Sounded creepy to me.  Someone rightly likened it to a husband doing that to their wife,  saying,  imagine if you're really upset about something,  crying,  you're distressed and your husband just walked into the room,  touched your chest and the. Walked back out again without saying a word... Would that comfort you?  No (actually it would upset me more),  I'd want him to lay down with me and give me a cuddle and ask me what's wrong and speak gently to me and stay there with me.


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