# Long story, any advice from people who have experience with all this stuff??



## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi there,

Here goes, my wife is 39y/o turning 40 this year.  I'm 36 turning 37 this year.
We got married in 2007 when I was 31 and she was 34.  We've been together since about 2000.  Anyway I(we) thought it was about time to get married and have kids, so we get married... 

But, here we are 5/6 years later, and no kids... which is doing my head in.  

My wife doesn't seem so perturbed about the situation.  She was in a car accident in her teens and apparently got some pretty bad injuries to her abdomen and stuff.  Before we got married she assured me that the doctor at that time said the accident would not affect her chances of having kids.  Then about 6 months ago, with me having been trying to get my wife to go with me to a fertility clinic, (for the last two years) she finally tells me that the doctor at the time said her chances of kids were 50/50. (would have been nice if she had told me this before we got married...)  

Now my situation is further complicated because my wife is not from the UK and we don't live in the UK.  

We lived in the UK together for many years, but in 2008 a year after getting married we decided to move back to her home country.(I won't say where we live, because all this is quite personal)  

Suffice to say the countries first language is not English, I speak the language but I would struggle to understand the complexities of fertility treatment in English let alone a foreign language.  (This plus the costs of fertility treatment here start at about 25 thousand  pounds)  

Also, I'm no fertility expert but even I know that if a husband and wife are having problems getting pregnant, they should go together to get checked out.  I know it could be me that's the problem.  But my wife insists on stalling and going to "a clinic" by herself, and she "says" that the doctors here don't need the husband to get checked out... anyway, I'm a nice guy, but I'm fed up getting lied to. 

If we were in the UK I would have insisted we go to a GP and get a referral to checked out properly.  

TBH, it seems my wife has always be scared that a doctor will say conclusively that she can't have kids, and she is just stalling hoping I forget about the whole thing... but anyone who wants to start a family would know that that's not going to happen... 

So here we are.. 
We are going back to the UK in March/April time, for two weeks,(in my desperation) I was wondering how feasible the idea of us getting checked out during that time, and perhaps me getting some sperm frozen and  my wife staying in the UK for a few months to try IVF or something would be?  

I've looked at the private costs, and there are packages at around 6 thousand pounds?(I could be way off I'm a total novice at this fertility treatment stuff)

I can't stay in the UK, for more than two weeks, because I run a business(in the Asian country where we live).  

BTW my job involves teaching children(other peoples),  housewives(who always seem to be getting pregnant), grandmothers(whose daughters always seem to be getting pregnant) and playing with other peoples kids every day doesn't make me feel any better. 

(I want to say "us" but really it seems like my wife isn't overly bothered about our lack of kids, which I just don't get at all...) I know she wants kids but how come I'm the only one that seems to want to do anything about it...


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Hi,
It seems like you have got lots going on at the moment. I can't offer any advice, but I didn't want to read and run.  Maybe your wife is having difficulties accepting that you ( as you I mean both if you) are having problems conceiving. Perhaps she is worried and scared that if it turns out to be her with the problem, you may leave her? I only say this, as it is me with the problem and I was convinced dh was going to leave me and find a fertile women to have children with. It took me along time to realise that dh loves me for me. 
Have you and your wife sat down and had a proper, honest talk? It took me with bags packed leaving for me and dh to have a honest talk about what we actually wanted and how far we were willing to go into this journey. Ivf is tough and it can put a strain on your marriage. You need to make sure that it is the right decision for both of you.

I wish you lots of luck on your journey.

Daisy. Xxxx


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for your reply.

"An honest talk", yes, been there done that, all that came of that was my wife finally, going to a clinic (once) getting some hormone patches and then stopping using them after about a week... apparently I'm not allowed to go with her to speak to a doctor at the clinic.(she said she would only go alone )  Also apparently men don't need to be tested here... (is that sooo )

And now here we are three months on, no progression, time ticking on and we're not doing anything... which is why I thought of private treatment in the UK...


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

And within ten seconds of posting that last post, I go to my ******** page and see one of my friends posting about how he is putting together the "baby bed" and announcing that his wife is pregnant... I mean the kicks in the teeth just keep on coming...


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

lumpy -  

 we all have some experience of those kicks in the teeth. It can be   hard! ANd ******** is not our friend!

Its harder when you feel in different place from your partner. This fertility stuff puts a big strain on relationships when it doesn;t just happen. As Daisy says you need to try and get to the bottom of it. 
I think that your wife is not telling the whole truth about men getting tested. Or about men not going to appointments. Can you get to the bottom of why she is stalling to start with? Is she worried about you hearing what the doctor says? Or have you been through this a billion times?

It sounds feasible to get private tests done together while you are in UK and also to freeze sperm. And my limited experience looking at costs say that you are in the right ballpark for IVF. But it may not even be IVF that you need? And if she really doesn;t want to do it, it is a hard journey on a woman's body, you have to want a baby to put yourself through it.

I hope you can both find a way to communicate and get to the truth for both of you.

Wishing you lots of luck
YB x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hi that sounds a difficult situation. 
i agree with daisy that your wife is probably afraid that you will leave her for someone else to have children with if it turns out she has the fertility problem. would you? 

i think it's actually a good thing that she loves you and wants to stay with you even if you don't have children together, and you should feel comforted by that. It's you she wants. right? 

i don't know how you handle the international situation but i think your ideas sound sensible. i'm not sure why your wife is so unhappy to have you go together to doctors etc but is it a cultural issue? do you have a sister in law/mother in law, someone who could go with her to appointments (making sure she goes) and then be able to report back to you about what was said? That might be easier than relying on your wife's side of the story (i know that sounds a bit untrusting, but actually it can be hard for anyone to remember everything that was said, and she might be more comfortable talking to another woman if it is a cultural thing (sorry, i'm guessing, i could be way off..) 

i think you have a tough decision to make as to whether you'd rather have your marriage or children - not because you can't ever have both but in order to make your priorities clear. If it's your marriage that matters, maybe you could discuss adoption or some other life choices that would help you both be happy. I really hope you both get together on the same page with this and find a way forward. My main thought is that your wife needs some strong reassurance that she matters more than a child does... Like yogabunny says IVF is incredibly tough and to go through that on someone else's behalf (eg, if she went through with it to give you a child even if she didn't want one) is a big sacrifice and commitment. Good luck


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks again for your replies and input.

Yes, we've been through discussing(millions of times) why she won't go to a clinic with me, and I get nowhere.

Because, of the language barrier, I really have zero control/input about the situation over here.(this is putting years on us both... I'm frikken exhausted...)

That's why I thought maybe going private in the UK would be the answer.  But with work, etc it gets complicated.  How long from meeting a doctor at a clinic does it take until you can actually do something? (eg get results of tests) does it take days or weeks or months?

These are my first posts here, I guess I really need to get a rough idea of timescales, from tests to getting drugs/or whatever is needed.

Sorry, to sound like a numbskull, but IVF(I don't really have a clue what that involves, I guess I'll spend tomorrow reading through more posts on this site to get an idea of whats available.)  

PS.  Don't you just hate ********, whats with people.  I don't want to know about XXs new baby...
PPS.  I don't discuss this kind of thing with anyone except my wife... when my parents talk about other peoples kids I just shrug it off like "I hate kids"... though I do wonder if they either think I really don't like kids or have figured out that it doesn't look like it's gonna happen...
My brother used to ask me when I was gonna have kids as well, but recently he's stopped asking, so I guess he might have guessed also....


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

I think Goldbunny has some wise words to think about in terms of what you want.

In terms of timescales, we went privately for some tests and most results were really fast, like a few days to a week.
Getting a follow up appointment to discuss those results with a consultant may have a longer wait depending on their diary, and then you would have to wait for woman;s cycle and various things to be in place to start. Say you did have to go to IVF, then this can be a 6 week process/cycle.
But depending on where you will be in the UK, why not contact a clinic on email? They will be very helpful and answer these kind of questions for you. Try one of the big ones in London like AGRC / Zita West.
When we first started I had a read on NHS and Bupa websites where they explain the basics of fertility issues. I found that helped as a starting point. 

I understand the cultural frustration, I've been an expat with the language barrier in the past, and now my family is going through that with late Uncles wife and children, so hard to know what is actually going on. Must add another dimension for you.

x


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## Mel D (Jan 18, 2013)

This is a very difficult process not a quick fix. I am sensing some pressure on both of you here which will not help your wife open up. Yes you can pick a clinic in the UK and sign up and you can have your sperm frozen here for future use but you have to both want to do it. Unfortunately, time is not on your side but I think you need to talk through the emotional issues first, if you can't do this between you then perhaps seek the services of a counsellor. It is a very emotional journey and your relationship needs to be rock solid to withstand it particularly if you already suspect some infertility issues. I had a fertility MOT done at Create Clinic recently (cost is 350) and it was a very useful diagnostic and half an hour later I know the status of my uterus, ovaries, blood flow, antral follicle count and they can test AMH and other blood tests there (results take 4-5 days as well as semen analysis). I recommend getting this done as a first step (most clinics will offer such an MOT) but before that I think you need to talk together about your hopes and fears. 
Good luck with whatever you decide X


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Mel D, thanks for the input, that MOT type deal sounds like a good idea/place to start.


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hey.
I'm new to this site too so you may need to bare with me. Fertility is most definitely a couples issue. Not just one person's, you both need the basic fertility tests. You sperm sample analysis, FSH level etc and your wife will need at least 21 day cycle bloods plus others and an ultra sound. Before DH and I got married we already new that he had no sperm but I still got tested also. 
I completely sympathise with your frustrations at how 'un fair' it all seems and everywhere you look (******** is the worst, I've given it up for lent) there are scan pictures, announcements, bumps, bellies and babies. No matter how much it hurts we cannot stop life from happening we just can't. That's not to say your not going through something major. The stress infertility can put on a person is on a level with that of a cancer sufferer and they can't stop people from being healthy around them. 
Secondly, fertility will put more stress, worry and heartache on your relationship than anything else. Believe me: I am my husbands second wife and a major factor in their breakup was fertility. So desperately sad. I agree with the others, talk to your wife and don't be afraid to say what you feel because if you're anything like me you're scared and sad and the not knowing is a horrible limbo. 
You both need the fertility MOT as you have to start somewhere but it's the first step to finding out. It may just be something that has a relatively easy remedy, you just need to know. In the mean while try and be happy for others - easier said than done sometimes - and enjoy the life you have. Don't stress about IVF until you need to but if we can get private treatment abroad I'm sure you could get it here you'd just have to make sure at least your wife stayed here for the cycle duration as she would need injections and scans to monitor her egg production. Anyway you can find that out on the Internet.
I hope that was helpful and my last bit is: focus on your relationship not 'having a baby' as having a child together is the next part of your relationship.


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

really tough one lumpy    

there are a few things that stood out for me. regardless of cultural differences, language barriers etc. you have been with your partner (now wife) for 13 years, she is coming up to 40..... most women, if they want children, would have as much of a desire as you evidently do, and i'm just not getting that impression from what you say about your wife. either she *knows* it's very unlikely for her due to her previous history or she actually doesn't want children. could that be a possibility?  might sound harsh, but I don't think now is the time for pussy footing around. think you've done enough of that. i just think most women nearing 40 who want children would be doing exactly what you are doing, researching and investigating to the nth degree and demanding tests to find out what's possible/what your options are.

i really think there's other stuff you need to get to the bottom of as, if you're wife is stalling, for whatever reason, i doubt, however much research you do and appointments you try to make, you will be able to get what you would like to get 'sorted' in your two weeks in the UK.

sorry if any of this seems blunt but i think if there is a possibility you and your wife aren't and might not be on the same page about this, it's something you need to deal with sooner rather than later.

i hope you can find a way forward.

GGx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

also:



> Then about 6 months ago, with me having been trying to get my wife to go with me to a fertility clinic, (for the last two years)


it just seems she's so reluctant, if it's taken 2 years to get her to agree to go to a fertility clinic. either she's absolutely terrified of what you might hear, in which case some counselling would be beneficial. but either you go to a clinic and get the cards on the table or you both reach fifty and the decision is made for you 

GGx


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi,

I'm going to a clinic next week with my wife, for a consultation and to get us both checked out. 

Due to time constraints, we can only do the consultation and checkup, before leaving the UK for a while. 

Ideally I'd like to follow the consultants suggestions IVF or whatever.  But with time constraints etc I'm hoping we can at least leave with some medicine of some sort to try in the next few months.

Whether it's me, or my wife or both who have some kind of problem, I don't know.  But I'd really appreciate if anyone could help me with the following:


What questions I should be asking at the consultation?
What kind of medicine I should be "requesting"?

Due to time constraints we're having to go private and it's a fair whack of money,  just to get checked out, and speak to a doctor, so I'm hoping to use the time wisely.

Your help is very much appreciated.

Thanks.


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## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Hi lumpy

Has she been in Clomid before? If not then that is the first thing she needs to try. 
You should also ask if they can do a sperm fragmentation test the same day & then you can get the results whilst you are aboard.
Ask if they advise you buying a IUI kit?
I would also ask what other blood tests they may recommend? Such as Vit D deficiency.
Lastly, I would ask what vitamin supplements they recommend for healthy eggs & sperm so you can pick these up from Boots/Holland & Barrett before you go abroad.

Hope that helps ? 

M


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## lumpy123 (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi Michimoo,

Thanks for the info, funnily enough take away 3 letters from your forum name and that's the same as my wife's name!  

Anyway, clomid=possibly, she went to a clinic by herself and was given patches.  She only used these for about a month, and because she said they made her nauseous she stopped trying them.  Assuming that was clomid, I've just checked another website that says 
"Clomid will jumpstart ovulation in 80% of patients, and about 40% to 45% of women using Clomid will get pregnant within six cycles of use".
So we should have obviously persevered far more with that...  

We are getting a sp3.m  test done the same day, so hopefully that will include a sp3.m fragmentation test.(How red is my face going to be talking to a doctor about this stuff.. I can't even bring myself to say sp3.m on a f3rt7lty website   

Of course a lot depends on the result of our checkup but questions for the doctor so far: 
1.  Would prescribing clomid be suitable?
2.  Would buying an IUI kit be suitable?
3. Any great supplements available?(but to be honest we've tried most over the counter supplements already)

Any other recommendations?

Thanks very much.


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

and welcome to Fertility Friends   

FF is a lifeline for everyone and anyone, seeking support, information and lasting friendship whilst going through fertility issues. FF members are fantastic listeners when when family, friends, doctors and sometimes even partners just don't "get" what you're going through and feeling.

I've included some forum boards that may help answer some of your questions   
Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please ask and we'll do our best to guide you.

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*Starting out & Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

*IUI Beginners Guide ~ *   CLIcK HERE 

*Treatment Outside The UK ~ *  CLICK HERE

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. CLICK HERE

FF's chat room is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works: 
*Newbie chat ~ *Click Here

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.

Good luck,

  

Tis xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Lumpy Clomid isnt in patches but the hormone oestrogen is.
I would look at the root cause of why your wife is so reluctant to engage in the process with you-a session with a fertility counsellor might be useful. She has to be 110% committed for ivf as drug regimes are complex sometimes.
Don't be embarrassed with sperm tests etc - a nurse we deal with bodily fluids all day long and in the ivf clinics its v common every mn at the clinic will have done it.
I can't imagine a one off visit will give you a lot, baseline bloods/ scan or her and a sperm tests for you.
Iui isn't a kit it's only done in clinics , you are probably thinking of home insemination - different thing. But if you are having regular and sex when she is ovulating ( presume you have testing kits) there's no real advantage.
good luck


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Lumpy would be worth having a read through a guide like this that gives an outline of what's involved with an ivf cycle.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=59514.0

as JJ1 says it is a complex process so it's good to get as much info beforehand. but i also agree with JJ about commitment as it's tough journey at the best of times, so some counselling might be beneficial.

GGx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Lumpy,
Great that you have the appointment, Is your wife ok, are you able to reassure that you love her whatever the outcome.
I think you need to be prepared that you may not get to the solution to take away on the day.... but you should get an outline of the issues, so you will know where you are. Although sometimes people have to deal with "unexplained" infertility.

Perhaps more general questions to go through the results, which you probably have already thought of:
- Are there any issues with my sperm? If yes, can I change any of this through lifestyle factors?
- Does my wife appear to be ovulating normally? (if no, would you prescribe clomid?)
- Are her hormone levels within normal? What is her ovarian reserve (amh) indicating? 
- Are there are any further investigations that we should consider at this stage? eg pelvic scans, tubal checks (perhaps a scan would be a good idea given the accident)
- Do we need to consider fertility treatment? What treatment is best for our situation?

Good luck, let us know how you get on x


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