# Absolutely Heartbroken - My (very long) story....



## JBox (Oct 31, 2010)

I had my LO after about 6 months of coming off the pill, all quite easy and no stress. She was 3 in October and is the most amazing wonderful thing to ever have happened to me. When she was about 8 months old, I fell pregnant again naturally. I was shocked, happy and very nervous about the reality of having 2 little ones under the age of 17 months. Having at that point, taken 8 months maternity leave, i then decided to quit my job entirely to be a stay at home mum and a home builder so that I could be with my growing family. After all, this was all I had ever dreamed of and being nearly 37, I felt like my time had come. My 6 week scan was a breeze, all fine, everything looking good and the excitement kicked in. But when i went back to the Dr at 13 weeks for a follow up scan, he shook his head turned off the scan machines and very gently said "i am so sorry but there is no heartbeat, it looks like you miscarried last week". Devastated and heartbroken we left his office and went home to organize the D&C at the hospital and get on with our lives. 

My LO continued to grow and with each day was becoming a little cheeky person. Her sweet and happy persona bought happiness into our home and when my husbands then 12 year old daughter came to visit for weekends and days during the week, I didn’t find it so hard, in fact I quite enjoyed it. Its true to say that my life literally became my LOs, I spent every waking moment with her. I gave up quite a high flying career in the T V and film world ( with trips to the Cannes Film Festival and LA and hobnobbing with the celebs down the red carpet) but I was pretty much contented to be with her and surround myself with a little group of mum and baby friends.

After a whole year expecting and naively assuming we would conceive quickly, I decided to take matters into my own hands. We went back to my Dr who immediately put us on gonal f and said, a years too long at your age to be tying ( I was now nearing 3 lets get you moving to the next pregnancy. One IUI later, and there it was a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it… my luck was in, and ironically it was exactly a year to the of my last pregnancy. So at both LOS first birthday and second birthday I was pregnant – what a coincidence!. But a standard 6 week scan showed an empty sac, a blighted ovum, with resulted in me taking some pills to "get rid of it quickly". My husband was on a business trip in S. America and I was entirely on my own bleeding and crying with my now 2 year old asleep in the room next door. 

Fast forward another 5 failed IUIs and 5 failed IVF cycles later, and tonight I am going to have a consultation with my fertility specialist. Is there any hope for me of having another child with my own eggs? My diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, ie, a  39 with a 50 year old body whose eggs are like "scraping the bottom of the barrel" and with chances of conceiving less than 10%" has totally devastated me. Up until yesterday, I was still living in that hope, that dream that I would fall into the 10%. But today my outlook has changed. I am devastated, demoralized, angry, frustrated, hateful and bitter. All of that at the doctors, at my friends who have gone on to have one or even two children, and mostly at my body for failing me and for making me feel like an old dried up infertile hag at age 39. 

No one really understands this and the infertility road I am on is a lonely one. My husband tries, he really does, and I know he feels the pain, but nowhere near what I do… I gave up so much for the dream of having a family and however awful it sounds, I just don’t feel complete with just one little one. I want her to have siblings to share her life with, and want our family times and holidays to be the the noisy, loud, messy and fun times I had imagined. 

My options now are egg donation, and I just can NOT get my head round the fact that I won't be able to have another biological child. I am scared about how I will feel towards an DE child. I am scared about the future, about  telling the child, about any illnesses that require treatments and not having a medical history, I am scared about not knowing the genetic make-up of the child, and I am scared of the people who will say to me how much the child looks like me knowing that that’s not true. My husband has a  15 year old who now lives with us and I keep thinking it would be like that… his child, who I co parent with him but don’t love entirely … 

I really need help with this I am so struggling to get my head around it all. I feel like my time is running out. I don’t know what path to take with my doctor tonight. The egg donation route here is not a long wait, and once I get the balls rolling, it can all happen within a couple of months. But my questions are shall I just try one more IVF cycle coz that could be the one that makes it that could prove the doctors wrong? And If I don’t go for it, will I always be wondering and questioning whether I should have kept going….And if take the DE route, will I always question whether I did the right thing….

I so need advice ladies… I am so sorry for the long convoluted life story, and I am sorry if I have offended or upset anyone, but I am really desperate now.


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## Annabell (Feb 11, 2007)

Oh hon you've got me in tears, but not because you've offended me.

I'm so sorry to hear your story - I understand a little of what you're going through - we have a lovely nearly 3 year old who we too conceived naturally (after being told that we wouldn't be able to conceive on our own). But after 2 years of trying for a much wanted sibling we're currently on our second round of IVF and the whole thing is breaking my heart.

The one story I keep clininging on to is that of a friend of mine, who like us conceived her first naturally (although not without difficulties on the way!) then tried and tried to have no. 2 - had rounds and rounds of IVF to be finally told, age 42, that her ovaries weren't up to the job. She and her partner reluctantly gave up trying to conceive and started looking into adoption (from abroad as they are a dual-heritage couple and faced difficulties adopting here!) And then, she fell pg out of the blue, and gave birth to a happy, healthy little boy earlier this year. 

Despite what they may tell us, I firmly believe that there's always hope, even when we can't see or feel it.

Only you know how you feel about the decision you have to take - do what's right for you and your family.

Whatever you choose, good luck and god speed x


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## JBox (Oct 31, 2010)

Thank u so much for responding and stories like that give me such hope. I really wish for u what I wish for everyone here, myself included, that our dreams become a reality. Good luck with ur treatments and thank u again for replying to my post xxx


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## catztayl (Sep 5, 2009)

JBox,

I can't offer any advice about DE, but just wanted to let you know that I, too, have been told that my chances of a natural pregnancy are very, very slim, almost non-existant. I'm 42 and feel angry that my body has decided to stop working. I suspect that there are many more women like us, being told that the chances of getting pregnant with our own eggs are very slim - I've been given a less than 5% chance now   

We have no children between us, only a daughter each from both our previous relationships. 
After 3 IUI's I am now feeling heartbroken and don't know how to keep going. We have been given the option of DE but, as you said, it's accepting that biologically, the child would not be yours. I know that there are many women who take that option, and for them, although it is a hard choice, it is something that they can do, and I admire them for that. But I, personally, don't feel that I can take that route.

So we are left to 'get on with it' and try and be grateful for the daughters that we each have. And I am extremely grateful for my daughter. I just wish I could have a child with the man I love, the man I married. It seems it's not to be   

Whatever you decide to do, you have to be comfortable with the decision and know it's the right one for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Annabell - your post gives me a little bit of hope still, that at 42 it might still happen. If all else fails, we have hope ...


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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi everyone, just stumbled on this secondary infertility section and so saddened for you all. I know exactly how you feel and it is comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the way I do. 
I felt like a bit of a fraud on the main section as there are so many sad stories of people still desperately trying for their first so it just makes me feel so guilty that I am going on about not struggling for a 2nd one when they would cut off their right arm to have what i have already...

My story is that we struggled for our first. Didnt get as far as IVF but were close and then suddenly we were blessed with our little one. The whole process before we got her took such a strain on our relationship and I think we were probably getting to the point of no return to be honest (I put alot of pressure on him to stop drinking, eat better etc etc). We now have our beautiful little girl who is 3 and such a wonder, and my relationship with my DH is totally back on track. 

We thought it would be nice to have another baby and I got pregnant about 18 months ago without much effort which was mind blowing after the troubles we had had previously. But it wasnt to be - my little one was ectopic and so heartbreakingly we had to say goodbye. I lost a tube so am now almost 38 with just one tube firing and knowing that that might have just been our last chance. We are starting on the NHS rollercoaster again but scared that if I get too bogged down I might risk our relationship again. My DH definitely wouldnt go down the IVF route whereas i would try anything to try and get us a little brother or sister for our little girl.

Sorry, I have babbled on! Just nice to talk to people that do understand. My DH just doesnt get this - he would like another one but is perfectly content with our family of 3 if it doesnt happen and I dont like bothering my family as I dont want to upset my sister who is still trying for a first after 6 years and would do anything to be in my situation.

Thanks for listening and I really hope that lady luck shines on you all x


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

I read your post and know where you're coming from. I think my situation has some similarities.  I conceived no 1 without any real problems, then more recently got pregnant with no. 2 which sadly didn't work out.  But my egg for baby no. 2 was there and was probably ok (as the problem with the pregnancy was my waters breaking way too early, but tests after the event gave no reason for it).  So I had an egg which could make a pregnancy a year ago....but now about a year on (and TTC naturally) it doesn't seem to be happening.
I am giving IVF a go (probably just one go with my own eggs - if there are any!).  I have got it in my mind that if my own eggs don't work then I'd rather proceed to DE straight away.  I guess in some respects i've given up on my own eggs already - with this being a bit of a last ditch attempt.
I am surrounded by friends who have had no.2 and i know that i don't want to be TTC for the next 5 years....i want to give myself the best odds with TTC and IVF and if this IVF cycle shows that my eggs don't want to play balll then i have kinda come to terms with that.


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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Smurf 2. Its so gutting when you think you have got there and then it snatched away from you, however it happens. 

Best of luck with your treatment. I hope you get a positive result first time round. I think i would probably be ready for the IVF route now especially as I am not getting any younger! But dont think my DH would go for it. Im going to see what the consultant says when i see him next as I just had the dye xray test and my good tube appears to be ok. May brooch the subject if the consultant thinks its the best option....

Take care
x


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