# Still no match.... feeling very frustrated!



## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Was approved in July, and nothing seems to have happened. Have been shown some profiles, have looked on Be my parent, have expressed our interest and our s/w just says shes still waiting to hear from the childs s/w. 
I just dont get why its so slow...... nearly 3mths, and no further forward. 
Is this normal?


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## Emma-is-a-mummy (Jan 16, 2012)

Hiya,

We waited 4 months to find our match and its awful waiting but gang in there you lo is out there waiting for you and it's so worth the wait  

Hugs xxxxx


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## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi Ipswich babe

It is such a difficult time on adoption panel, hang in there.

We got approved May and then matched August (after a few false starts) and matching panel September, another wait!

It will be worth the wait and you can loom yourselves also, I'm sure there is information on that on one of the threads

I think a lot of SW are in holidays during the summer so this delays the slowness even more

Good luck and you will get there

Nm2b x


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## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Just wanted to say also have you seen the thread on recently approved awaiting a match?? May be worth piping on there if you haven't already x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Oh this is the worst bit in between approval and being matched, with our son we new about him within 2 weeks of being approved, it was still almost six months though to him coming home.
This time we have been approved since June, we have read a couple of CPR, enquires about a few children from the publications, we had to turn one child down, which was heart breaking but the right for our family, we know we will get there in the end it's just so hard waiting though, especially when you feel like nothing is happening.


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

I was approved in July too and no news until 2 weeks ago. Haven't seen the CPR but Lo's SW and my SW are coming over today. It's so hard I know - hang in there knowing things are happening behind the scenes  xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Waiting for a match is THE worst bit. It took us four months, having been approved in December, and it was the loooooongest wait until April. Long, freezing cold and I would check my phone every five minutes whilst doing a job I hated vehemently. I feel your pain, I really do. When we did finally see the right profile we had to wait another 3 weeks to hear anything, even though THEY had approached US. They just went AWOL and wouldn't communicate. Worst three weeks of my life. By the end I was sobbing my heart out as they told us after all that time that we were up against another couple. It all turned out right in the end and our beautiful daughter is now home, but that process was agony, and SS have been similarly dithering over her sibling who is coming to us shortly. It's frustrating and you're certainly not alone. X


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

we were approved last July, matched in March and only just got him home   

our SW is spectacularly hopeless though, so don't panic!


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

It took us just over three months from approval to match, but he was well worth the wait. Hang in there girlie x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

It's not the wait I struggle with, it's the non-communication.

It's almost 8 weeks since we were approved, and we have seen our SW once.  We haven't seen any CPRs at all.


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Pauliboo I empathise with you and you're right, the non communication is difficult to handle, especially after the elation of panel. My prep group all seem to be being matched now and I think it's because there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes. My LA has an outstanding from offsted though which makes a difference.

Communication is certainly one area they can lift their game - in a sense, we are their "clients" and a more client-centric approach would be great - not discounting that the main focus in all of this needs to be the children.

I think a touch base call once a week would go a long way to alleviating the stress of waiting - even if its just to say "no news yet, but we're working on it"

During my HS my SW was regularly on her way to or had just come from a placement meeting / link etc so hang in there - it will happen


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

ipswichbabe..hang in there...we too are with suffolk LA and although we have just recently been linked to a blue one, it sure took it's time from our MAY approval. our sw did tell us that they have lots of new children coming through at the moment, so hang in there because they are working behind the scenes. the new system and the summer holidays were not helping!! i agree that the communications is pants...after they told us about our little boy, they went all cold turkey and non-communicado for 2 weeks. its was agony!!
keep emailing them though....


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

I go to panel on Monday so hopefully will be waiting for my match soon. I had a delay of 8 months waiting for a sw to be allocated and when I was speaking to a friend lately (who adopted last year) about how frustrated was with delays. She said that she had been as well (her social worker went long term sick during homestudy) but is now grateful every day for that delay as has her son because of it. I think its a nice way to think about it, all those little delays are fates way of ensuring that us and our children are ready at same time to meet each other.


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

We also waited 4 months after approval. It was very very hard. It was also so worth the wait for the match to be right. Our two little ones have been with us 4 months now and I just can't imagine life without them. I know it's a cliche but hang in there it will be worth it when the match comes along.xxx


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

We got approved yesterday and I'm already checking my phone and email constantly lol


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

I posted a very similar thread several months ago.  We waited 51 weeks from approval to matching panel for our LO.  The wait is horrible and so distressing.  I found it so stressful that we even agreed a future date that we would have a serious talk about giving up  

I do believe in fate and the LO who is currently crayoning on the coffee table rather than her paper   just wasn't available any earlier.  I can say this now,  she is worth the wait and I'm so so glad we stuck it out.  

To get through the horrible waiting I decided to tempt fate, we arranged a huge family party that would have to be cancelled if we'd had a match, also booked a holiday, took up a hobby that I couldn't do with a 2 yr old and said go on, now find us a link and disrupt these plans.  I tried   my best to stop adoption becoming our whole life,  have to admit I still checked email and texts a million times a day but I tried to have things - non adoption related to look forward to.

It also helped that we decided to be as proactive as possible, we regularly checked with the national adoption register, asked for details of all exchange days and even attended an adoption activity day.  We discovered after a few months that SW's prioritise their current caseload and matching becomes a lower priority,  there is no target so no urgency.  When SW didn't contact us we still sent her emails and texts with details of exchange days we planned to attend - amazingly she didn't know about most of the events.  As it turns out our LO didn't come from any of these sources but I do think it helped to keep us on SW list of priorities, if only to get us out of her hair  

Very best of luck with your future links - I'm sure they'll come.

Jules xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Jules11 said:


> It also helped that we decided to be as proactive as possible, we regularly checked with the national adoption register, asked for details of all exchange days and even attended an adoption activity day. We discovered after a few months that SW's prioritise their current caseload and matching becomes a lower priority, there is no target so no urgency. When SW didn't contact us we still sent her emails and texts with details of exchange days we planned to attend - amazingly she didn't know about most of the events. As it turns out our LO didn't come from any of these sources but I do think it helped to keep us on SW list of priorities, if only to get us out of her hair


Just wanted to say thank you for your suggestions Jules, I signed up to Be My Parent yesterday and we also arranged to attend one of BAAF's activity days tomorrow afternoon. The DW has been contacting the Adoption Register too so that we know who has been given our profile (9 SWs so far).

Anyway, need to go and get some sleep so that I can be a jolly pirate tomorrow


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Paul,

Good luck and enjoy the activity day,  they are exhausting.  The event we attended helped us to remember that this is about real children rather than profiles,  we didn't find a match but it inspired us to keep on going.

Looking forward to your update.

Jules xx


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## pnkrobin (Dec 19, 2011)

We were waiting just over 2 months and it seemed endless. The reason it seemed long was that we just didn't know when it would happen. We went with our first match i.e. the first profile we were brought as they were the first set of social workers who wanted to proceed with us. We were very happy with the profile despite one or two reservations. These were eradicated at the second meeting and we saw a picture of our son. I was on Be My Parent every day and despite seeing profiles I liked I put my trust in my SW. I'm sure it won't be long. x


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## pnkrobin (Dec 19, 2011)

I would say though that it's good to be proactive and signing up to BMP is a good idea aswell as exchange days. I found a local exchange day online in June and put it in my diary. In the end we were matched in June so didn't attend but boy would I have gone if we hadn't been matched. Wild horses wouldn't have kept me away. I often felt like maybe we were being overlooked as I was a wheelchair user - I mean all they have to go on in what's on paper - I felt we would have more chance by being there in the flesh. It only takes one open minded SW though as in our case x


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Hi all. Thanks for your replies. Nice to hear from you. We have attended an adoption activity day and found it very over whelming. I had to escape to the loo for a cry!!! We also found some adoptive parents pushing in to play with certain kids and it felt like to us an un organised chaotic mess with no one knowing what to do and a few SW being pushing. 
There was no privacy to chat to SW and it was all too out in the open for us. 
Not been to an exchange day but have been told these can be emotionally draining too. 
Have signed up for by my parent..... Do u then click the enquire button or contact your own SW.. As been contacting our SW and hearing nothing. She tells us it's coz the kids SW hasn't replied. But we are getting an impression that she wants her ideal child for us and been my positive about the ones she's picked for us, and seems the ones we like she doesn't pursue. Also how do you contact the national register? And how do I know which LAs have been shown our profile. 4 myths since panel and no further forward. :-(


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm so sorry you found the Activity day too emotional.  The one we attended was held in a primary school and they reserved a room for us to speak to SWs in there, there were a few pushy adults but nothing out of the ordinary to us.  I don't think we found it too hard as we sort of knew what to expect, I'm also emotionally quite resilient.

I just thought I'd let you know that we found our LO there, we formally meet her Foster Carers soon but the meetings with her SWs have been brilliant so far.  We have her pictures framed next to the tv so we can see her when we want, she really is our little girl.  

Matching panel is due on the 17th December with intros starting mid January, she will be 4 in March which is why we are waiting longer than usual, it would have been emotionally very hard for her to leave her FCs over the Christmas period.

We actually went to an Exchange Day a few weeks ago as our SW wanted to be sure that the girl we found was definitely our LO   .  It was nowhere near as hard as the Activity Day and so I would perhaps try and go to the next local one.

Good luck and I hope a LO arrives for you soon   x


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

I would let your SW know when you enquire, and don't enquire about too many as otherwise it doesn't look good.

I've found children who wait via adoption uk is a far better site as it allows you to write a short message to the SWs. It also updates daily. The link were currently involved with is through there and we were able to enquire about LO on the same day he was put up!


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

This waiting period is FAR worse than the home study/getting to panel stage. Everything for home study felt necessary and sensible and it made sense, but we feel a little in limbo now as nothing seems to be happening at all. 

We've also expressed interest in several children since being approved (through BMP and from profiles our SW has sent). Any one of the LOs I've enquired about I would gladly bring home today if I could! However, our SW says she hasn't heard anything back from their SWs. Is this often the case and can anyone tell me (roughly) how long it takes to hear back once you tell your SW you're interested - or after you enquire through BmP?


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Dandlebean- it seems u are in the same boat as us! For us we seemed to have placed many enquiries to our SW and she says not heard back from child's SW. I don't get it as to me I feel like they don't like us or something is wrong with us, and the feed back we have had is we don't have enough child care experience. Arghhh!!! Feel so frustrated!


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Pauliboo - great news that u have found your LO. Wish I wasn't so much of an emotional wreck.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

We've felt the same Ipswichbabe...wondering if perhaps nobody likes our PAR, or even if our SW just doesn't think the ones we're interested in are suitable for us (and isn't forwarding on the enquiries). I wouldn't mind if she'd just say that to us and explain why, it's the not knowing/hearing anything part that we're finding tough. 

When we saw the profile of who we thought could definitely be our future LO, we got so excited...but nothing's come of it and we haven't heard anything back   If we get sent profiles now, we're almost scared to get excited or feel hopeful.  

We wouldn't mind the wait if we hadn't found a child we felt was just right, or if we were waiting for a SW to visit or waiting for a panel date...it's just that we don't really understand why nobody's coming back about our enquiries. And all the while, our potential LOs are growing up, changing and developing without us  

I think perhaps it's just that SWs have so many cases and so much to juggle and that I just need to be more patient, but telling myself that doesn't help much   I've felt so restless since approval! 

Have you had any response to any of your enquiries at all?


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I think what happens is sometimes the SW get swamped with enquires about children so have to wittle them down, it is so flustrating though and I don't know why they don't just have a standard email they could send back saying so.

Then some children may already be linked as was the case with our son, he didn't appear in BMP until after we had already been linked with him.

Going through this a second time though, this is the hardest part of the journey.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi ibswichbabe, have you heard or does your LA do coffee mornings? This is how we found our son. You go to a hotel were there are lots of Social workers and childrens profiles and you are able to talk to the childrens sw or even see photos and DVDs. It may be worth asking.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Macgyver said:


> Hi ibswichbabe, have you heard or does your LA do coffee mornings? This is how we found our son. You go to a hotel were there are lots of Social workers and childrens profiles and you are able to talk to the childrens sw or even see photos and DVDs. It may be worth asking.


That's pretty much what an Exchange Day is.


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

The waiting is definitely the worst bit ! 

We went to an exchange day and found our LO there , we just knew she was the one and we spoke to the SW at length on the day . I had the SW details on the profile so emailed her first thing the following morning to express interest and copied my SW in on the email and expressed an interest with her too . We waited about 1/2 weeks for an answer and a CPR , apparently they were swamped with enquiries but picked us as favourites , we met the adoption workers and LO SW who gave us a unanimous yes on the day and we met LOs FC the week after , MP on the 17 th jan and intros start 24 th jan ) once you find your LO you will just know and nothing will stop you from getting the responses you want , I think it's fate . 

Big hugs to you that are waiting xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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