# sharing and talking about treatment - how much . with whom ???



## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

Hi - As a single person going through IVF I wonder how different it is / isn't from those with  a partner.  Any thoughts ? 

Other than the staff, the 1 counselling session per cycle, this forum I don't think i have shared the details of things such as egg collection, transfer etc with family , friends and I wonder how this is for others ? It is self protective largely because of the very poor success rates, multiple cycles, things going wrong and so on .  I have named IVF broadly speaking to others, including at work, but not the details  - at the moment I am post transfer for example.  

It is a very intimate journey to be going this alone and I have become more grounded and stronger. I am quite independent I guess. I also feel it is not something that others are particularly comfortable or interested in at times.  That said I am very grateful for kindness and well wishing about the broader IVF journey from others.      

Hopefully I am making some sort of sense here but maybe not ! xx


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## Mees_2020 (Oct 12, 2019)

Hi snowdropwood, I think anybody who wants to raise a child on his own, has thought about it a lot (and then again a lot more ) and must be a strong person. It is a big step. On the other hand, there have been a lots of women (mostly women) who had to rais the children on their own and that might not have been a free choice... And here you are, pregnant and all (for all we know now)... and you made a decision to do just that. That's a beautiful thing!

I've always had some people close to me to discuss about the pro's and con's of having a child without a partner. I just asked them if they are okay with me asking their skin off. They were always willing to think with me and they were very honest. I did not miss a partner and I had 2 women (a ladyfriend and my mother) who were always willing to help me out if my child was sick and I had to work. And I had 2 other 'back-ups' who babysit both only 1 time in the past 2 years. And I had good neighbors who told me to come knock on their door, even if it is night, if I needed help. You just need to be a little assertive when you are alone... keep people informed and close to you and dare to ask for help. Well.... it is all about good old fashion love, isn't it?!

With you the best.


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

Hi Mees  - thanks for your post and good to hear about the people around you to help out with things and indeed a woman has to be strong to do this alone I agree.

I disagree with the 'free choice ' a bit perhaps - I dont think involuntary childlessness is a free choice  - it is the hands that you are dealt . I am 43 so my chances are very low.  Is what I am doing a free choice ? Yes but there doesn't feel much freedom in the pain of grief, loss, and the likelyhood of never having chlidren,  I have to battle in this 2 week wait time to know that I am not preganant and which ever way I look at it the road ahead is pretty tricky.  However thank you for your positivity , I understand it is encouraging.  

I wasn't referring to having a child in my post, in fact quite the opposite, I was referring to going through IVF alone , having preceedures over months or longer and not sharing that info very much with anyone else , with the knowledge that the statistics of success are extremely low , eg 2 %  - so I was referring to the emotional devestation of that really  - the rollercoaster of hopes and loss over an extended period of time .  I was wondering how different this treatment period is / isn't depending on how much you share with either a partner or other people close to you. I wasn't really referring to parenting as a single person. 

best wishes with everything x


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

I can only answer as an individual. I have gone through 10 rounds of ivf in its varied guises but with my husband. First round I would talk to anyone who would listen about ivf, the procedures, the injections, everything. Round 2 didnt talk to as many people. Round 3 even less. Round 4, only my mum as my husband would get stressed out. Round 5, still my mum. Round 6, even I was bored of hearing it. Round 7, 8, 9, didnt talk to anyone about it, got on with it. Round 10  a renewed hope , but also realistically knew I was shutting the door if it didnt work or I miscarried again. It worked and spent all my time talking to my mum and husband as we all had renewed hope and energy  

It's a.hard process to go through whether you're on your own or with someone. If you are successful then ultimately all of the crapoule is worth it, if not, although painful , still worth all the needles and stresses there was always a chance. Its.hard balancing the need to talk about it with realising other people arent as invested in it as you are. 

I recommend setting up an diary on here, if you haven't already. At various times in my life, my diaries on here were an absolute godsend. 

Hole.all goes well for you x


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## Mees_2020 (Oct 12, 2019)

I'm sorry, that came out so wrong. English is not my first language (second also not). I'll try again.

Agree totally with you; it is never a free choice of women who are childless and want a child. That's very painful and for some a lifetime long of missing a child and grandchildren in the long run... I would think wanting a child is a deep basis need for most women (and probably men too) and there should be done as much as possible to fulfill this in a good matter. There are so much more IVF-children in Scandinavia, just because they look at it differently... We have to cope with our body, the culture, the scientific knowledge, the dept of your wallet, they are all playing a part in this journey.

I was trying to say that there are women raising there children who were not aware of the fact that they might be doing this alone; they got divorced for instance. These women did not all have a choice and you, as a consciously going-alone-mom (hopefully), is prepared for raising on your own.

Along this journey I made new friends, who I deeply care about. Some friend understand, some don't (want to). And thats okey. But even if your friends are not interested in how IVF works, they have to be interested in what it does to you, how you feel, even if it takes al lot of years of your life... just because it is you. And you will have to invest in them; what are they up to, how they feel, what scares them or makes them happy and make a good laugh about it. Think that's the deal between humans... they seem to talk, cry a little and laugh a lot  and I always feel that I'm investing more than my friends are. But they probably think the same  

Having no partner in the house, just gives you room for other extra people to have as sparring-partners. I think that's just nice; 2 or 3 minds in stead of 1 

How are you coping with the waitingweeks? 

Wish you a tiny but lovely mircle Snowdropwood

Mees


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## 63smc (Feb 13, 2017)

I first started out with IUIs and shared the details of that with my family, although the info on that became less and less with each cycle. Then I took a break to have some tests done and started IVF. Since I had to go to Denmark for 10 days (follicle scan, determination of egg collection date, egg collection and finally transfer on day 2), my family also knew about that. For baby No.2 there wasn't as much to plan and I only drove up for the transfer and back the same day. And since I didn't know if this would be successful and, if not, how long it would take to get pregnant again, I didn't tell many people about that FET.

I think for me the hardest part of doing this as a single woman is the financial part. It must be easier to do this on two incomes compared to just one. 
The emotional side is not that hard for me, because I can deal well with that and I also think it is harder if there are two people whose feelings need to be considered before every new cycle. I've read many post over the years, where one partner wants to keep trying and the other wants to be done. Or one wants to do month after month after month and the other one needs breaks.
I was always very, very thankful, that I could just do as I wanted: cycle after cycle, then choose the time for additional tests, change of clinics, change of donor etc. I think that is a lot easier than always talking everything through with someone else, considering everyones feelings in every little decision and, on the logistical side, coordinating appointments with two work schedules rather than just one. For me, that was a major advantage.


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

Thanks for all the thoughts and experiences - it is a crazy time of year so has been easy to be distracted ( by Christmas etc ) .  I am due for blood test just after new year ( if period doesn't come before ) I hold out little hope but the reality of a negative will be disappointing then it will be time to regather and move forward , though I am not sure in what direction that will be ATM - I may have the last of the 3 cycle mod natural I booked at the start back in the Autumn, I have the time and have to pay some balance of costs  - feeling that it will also give me time to process and feel what is the next best step - many best wishes all xxx


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I started to try to explain the process to friends and my mum, who attended my egg collection/transfer with me, but I soon realised that unless you're in it, going through it personally, most people either don't get it or don't appreciate it. I found myself getting hurt and upset when people didn't ask me how different stages had gone (my mum never once asked me the outcome of my transfer, for instance) and I later realised it was because people didn't understand what was going on, and trying to explain things in depth was just fruitless

As my treatment went on, I told fewer and fewer people. This last cycle I told NOBODY! Literally just me and the clinic staff knew/know (I've still kept quiet and I'm 9w pregnant)

As I've done this whole process as a single woman, I can't really say how different it is compared to having a partner but in my head I think it's easier, for me at least. Imagining that I was going through the same thing but with my ex just makes me think that sharing the journey and decisions with someone else would be a hinderance (although sharing the financial burden wouldn't be a bad thing!) It's someone else's choices to take into consideration, what if we were blaming each other for things going wrong? What if one partner wanted to keep going but the other wanted to stop, or they differed on which route to take? At least when it's just me I don't have to worry about someone else's opinion or feelings, I can just crack on with doing what I feel is best for me. I've not really felt lonely on this IVF journey at all but maybe I'm in the minority


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