# Panic- pre- cycle nerves!



## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Hi! It has taken me five difficult years to get to the point where my I am near the top of the list for Donor IVF and suddenly I feel really full of doubts, panic and grief for not being able to have a child without all  the drugs and medical intervention. I am 49 as well so this probably is my one and only chance. I tried to talk to one of my best friends but realise she just can't understand and I felt worse afterwards. 

I am particularly scared of meds as most meds I have tried to take in my life have caused really bad side effects and an overdose in one case. And I hate the idea of my body being messed about with. 

I have always wanted a child and still do but I feel overwhelmed by thought thought of the processes you have to go through with of course no promise of success.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place but I only came back from the clinic today.

Any thoughts welcome but just needed to express myself to women who I believe will understand.

Thanks,
Love,
Debbie13


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Debbie

I just wanted to say that I totally understand your pre-cycle nerves - mine lasted about three years (and eight years in total since we had been ttc) before I actually plucked up the courage to actually start my first IVF cycle.    In fact, it took me five years even to get to the stage of speaking to a GP about not being able to get pregnant, and even then, it came up as part of a conversation with my GP about something else.  I am the kind of person who won't normally even take a paracetamol for a headache unless it's absolutely necessary, and I really don't like going to the doctor for any reason!  

What I found when I actually started the tx is that it is not as bad as you might fear, and I've now been through three full IVF cycles and a FET- yes, there may be some physical side-effects (and, like you, I tend to be sensitive to side-effects from medication too) but the emotional rollercoaster is probably the most challenging part (and all the worse when there is no guarantee of success).  However, I was very lucky to have a beautiful little daughter from my third full cycle and I am now expecting another baby from FET.  I know that this has coloured my outlook but I think if you can see treatment as an opportunity to achieve something which won't happen any other way, rather than as an ordeal, it helps you to approach it more positively.  Easier said than done, I know, and I still wish that we had been able to have our family "the natural way" rather than with drugs and intervention, but, at the end of the day, and speaking from personal experience, when it works, it truly is the most amazing thing and well worth every fear and all the tears along the way. And having gone through two BFNs before getting a BFP, I can also say that even with a BFN (devastating though that is), at least you can tell yourself that you took positive action to try and achieve your dream.

PS: on a practical note, I found acupuncture quite helpful with offsetting some side effects from the IVF drugs and generally helping me to relax a bit more during tx.  More importantly for me, it also gave me the sense of doing something to help myself when the tx itself was out of my control (ie being managed by the clinic). There is also some evidence that it can improve the chance of a BFP, especially if you have it on ET day ("German protocol").  I had it during my third fresh cycle and during my FET.  Perhaps worth considering?

Sending you lots and lots of good luck wishes.

Ellie


----------



## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Dear Ellie,

thank you for your supportive and honest reply. I am delighted you have a darling daughter and are pregnant agian which I wish you all the luck with.

I appreciate what you wrote. I have been having acupuncture for over a year anyway and she is, as well as being very supportive , very experienced in the area of IVF.

Can I ask what side-effects you had? I do appreciate what you mean about the emotional rollar-coaster. I think I feell particularly pressured as I only have one shot in this country and if it doesn't work I would have to go abroad due to my age and waiting lists here.

Anyway you are right Ellie- I certainly can't live without trying to have a child whatever the outcome and this is the only way to do it.

Lots of love and good wishes,
Debbie13 XX


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hello Debbie

I'm not sure exaclty what drugs you'll be on for a donor IVF cycle but imagine that you will be down-regulating - the main side effects I had with that were headaches (drinking lots of water helps), and mood swings/anxiety (Bachs Rescue Remedy helped a bit with these).  Stimming brought bloating and shooting pains in the ovaries etc but perhaps you won't be doing that.  With my FET cycle (similar meds to a donor cycle, I think, after ET), I remember bloating, disturbed sleep and headaches, and after my BFP, I suspect that they made my morning sickness worse, although it is impossible to know if that was actually the case or if I was just a bit sicker anyway this time around than last time.

All a small price to pay, however, and nothing major...   

Sending you lots and lots of good luck wishes for your cycle.

Ellie


----------



## Debbie13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks Ellie!

I have always wanted to be a mum and now it may be a possibility I am really scared. It so helps to hear form women like you who do understand . Yes I have to down- regulate, then have oestrogen, then add progesterone pesseries. This from a woman who never takes a painkiller!!!!

I have even been questioning do I want this? Maybe this is part of the roller-coaster you talked about. 

Anyway bye for now and take care.

Love,
Debbie13


----------

