# Struggling with the decision on whether or not to egg share



## mum2twintoddlers (Oct 13, 2006)

My mind is in turmoil, I thought I viewed egg sharing as a cut and dried solution to our problem, we can't afford treatment so that problem is solved and we would have the enormous satisfaction in knowing that we have helped someone else achieve their dream.

Now I'm not so sure and could really do with some advise.

My issues are 
*knowing that the child would be able to contact me at the age of 18 (I thought I could do it anonomysly and never be any the wiser

*how it will affect our children and any future children we have regarding relationship they have as adults and whether we would have to get ever potential partner check against the register in case they were related and hadn't been told how they came about?

*how it will affect me knowing that there is another part of me out there somewhere?

*how I would feel if I was contact in 18 years time

*what if our ivf failed?

It now feels like a monstrous decision and I have no idea how to tackle it.

hellpppppppppp - I'm not sure what I am expecting to hear from you all really, any of your own experiences as a donor (rather than a recipient) would be good.

Thanks
Sarah


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## Guest (Oct 13, 2006)

hi sarah, i hopeing to start eggshare soon, ive read stories about young women that have beaten cancer but lost their fertility because of their eggs being damaged and people like us are their only hope. 
when i read these stories it seems to make all the questions about me disappear.

the people that recieve our eggs are paying sooooo much money and have probably suffered more heartache than most, i believe these people will be fantastic parents and the children that are born from our eggs will be their children. i really don't think that an 18 year old will knock my door and say "hey mum" at most they would probably want to know a bit of family history.
as for it affecting our children, i am totally honest with my 8 year old and i have discussed this with him (he said, "its ok mum, i'll just have girlfriends that are older than me, ok?")

at the end of the day, that little egg you flush away every month could bring someone sooo much happiness, at the same time making it easier to achieve your dream.
i had the same worries at first but i decided to cross that bridge when i come to it.
afterall if your treatment works you will have harder decisions to make like the first time you let them play outside without adult supervisation, and when are they old enough to walk school without you?

i'll ask you 1 simple question, if you needed an egg donor for your only chance to get pregnant, would you accept someone elses egg? i would!
please don't go ahead if you ain't totally sure, we are all here for you sweetie, every step of the way 

take care, love maz xxx


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## *~Nic~* (Aug 1, 2005)

Hi

dont know if I can answer your questions but before I started egg share I was doing it for purely selfish reasons - to give me a chance of a BFP.

Once I started treatment it made me appreciate everything - I now pray my recipient has got her BFP like me and will find out when possible.

I really hope she did, I have PCOS so it was possible that I could have fallen pregnant naturally imagine not having eggs and never having that possibility.

If my recipient has a child in no way do I view it as being mine, she carried it and raised it - i just made it possible for that to happen for her.

Theres no right or wrong for how you should feel - you do really need to be sure yourself before deciding though - its not for everyone though, everyone is entitled to their opinion on it.

Good luck whatever you decide

Nic


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## *kateag* (Jun 20, 2006)

Hi, welcome to the board. 

First of all, wanted to say that you are not alone in thinking that you  have the idea sorted in your head then all of a sudden all these thoughts pop up and you wonder whats going on!! 

I went through all the worries that you are going through and a friend helped me out by saying what maz said, if I needed a donor egg to concieve would I use it and the answer for me, would be yes, because I would be carrying the baby, feeling every movement, hiccup the lot so the egg would just be the ticket, its the plane that got me there if you get my drift!!

I hope you manage to decide hun, and are happy with your choice.

Good luck.

Kate
xx


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

Hiya Sarah,

Welcome to FF and the egg share thread.  

I had the same feelings as you did to begin with..until I read some of the stories on here about women who'd gone through Early menopause, cancer treatment etc and becoming infertile, this is how I made my decision.

The way I see it...the egg is just a cell..ok it forms part of your genetic make-up but your eggs are just emptied onto a sanitary towel every month. The other way I see it is like donating an organ ( I'm on the organ donor register) But I'm donating something while I'm alive..if you needed a kidney or heart would you turn it down?...I don't think so.

As for a potential child contacting you in the future, they can't just come knocking on the door in 18 yrs time...everything is done through the HFEA the person involved doesn't contact you, the HFEA contact you telling you that someone is interested to find out about you. Then it's up to you then if you want to see that person.

Personally I will say no..I want nothing to do with any child born of my egg..I have my own life to lead and this will be part of my past...I'm one of those people who can emotionally detach myself...and if by some miracle someone did come knocking...I'd just tell them straight I'm not your mother I'm just a gene and leave it at that they have enough information about me on the Green form I filled in and thats all they need.

But if my eldest son (whose nearly 17) wanted to make contact with a potential sibling then thats up to him. But me personally...no.

Love

Vicki x


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Hi Sarah

It's pretty much already been said by the previous ladies but I would also like to point out that as someone considering egg donation, your clinic should offer you counselling. Part of what the counsellor will cover with you is focussed on the implications of your donation. I would recommend that even if you have doubts about counselling, go along. You have nothing to loose and the counsellors are trained to take you through all of the questions that you have raised here to help bring you to the conclusion that is right for you personally whether that be to donate or not to donate. It is a big decision to make and you have to be as  sure as you can be that it's the right thing for you. 

Wishing you lots of luck in whatever route you choose to take.

Lou
X


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## emma73 (Mar 30, 2004)

Hi - I just wanted to tell you that I hoping to be accepted for egg share and I have been where you are. For me - and this is blunt - I am doing it because of money. If  I could afford to pay £4000 for IVF at my local clinic I would, but I dont and this gives me the chance of another baby. 

I have already had two BFN's since my twin BFP and cant continue to get into debt. I recently had counselling as part of the requirement for egg share. She shattered my fantasy that the recipient is infertile due to cancer etc and said that often the recipients are wealthy older women. Now I stuggled with this as I had got my head around sharing as I thought I would be "helping" somebody, which undoubtedly I would be BUT not necessarily under the circumstances I had imagined.

She also asked me how I will feel if the recipient gets pregnant and I dont - and how i will feel if they try and contact me in 18 years time. My answer really was that i will worry about these things IF they happen. Only about 50% of couples tell their child their true origin when (or so the cousellor told me) so even if the recipinet got a BFP their is only a 50% chance they will be told the truth and then not every child will feel the need to trace you.

I would see if you would be accepted first then figure out how you feel about all these things. A wee while ago I felt that I didnt think I could share - I have since decided I can as I am simply more desperate for a baby that I was a few months ago. Its that simple for me. Money buys you choices - and I dont have any!

Lots of luck with whatever you decide.

Emma


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Hi again!

Emma - I just thought I'd mention this as how you decsribed the potential recipients was the thing that I was quite concerned about. 

As I am using donor sperm, I was aware that donors can specify if they have any specific wishes regarding their donation (i.e. whether their sperm donation can be used for single and/or lesbian women) and I might be wrong but I doubt if many clinics give donors the opportunity to express these wishes.

Obviously this is a complex issue and I don't want to cause offence to anyone that may read this so I won't share what I specified. What I will say is that my spec for my recipients would hopefully eliminate the risk of them going to "wealthy older women" and couples that aren't prepared to be open with the resulting child/children about their origins. 

Just thought I would share that.

Lou
X


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## CJ (Aug 24, 2003)

Hi Sarah, I had all the same concerns as you, and although we are happy and have no doubts now it has been something that has taken time. My main worry was we were doing it just for the money and if we had the money for TX by ourselves thats what we would be doing but life throws allsorts at you and because of that you have to come up with new ways to view things.
If we don't do ES than it's game over as the difference in cost is more than we can afford, and giving up is not something were willing to do. 
I was fine with the ES it's self , I don't feel I'm giving away anthing but some cells and for it to be my baby I would have to bring that child up, be a mummy, so for me the only problem which made me think twice was what i would say to any resulting children in 20 or what ever yrs.

After going to see my nurse and telling her my worries it was a relief to hear I'm not a horrid person and for many women it's the money side which takes them to ES
I did specify certain things I would wish about who I was donating to, after all I have to feel comfortable about what I'm doing.
I didn't think they would take them on board as much as they have as I assumed I had no real control over where the eggs go.
Of course your not allowed details but my nurse did tell me somethings which were not identifying about my recipient but which she knew I had concerns about so that has made me feel so happy about our decisions and I know that with this ES at least I can feel totally happy that if a child was born to my recipient that I could have no problems writing down why I chose to donate.
Also after going on to other forums and talking about ES it has reminded me I'm so lucky to be the one able to donate rather than the other way around. 

Hi Emma, hope things are well with you, love your totally honest post Hun, hope you get accepted soon.

CJ x


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## mum2twintoddlers (Oct 13, 2006)

Another thing that is really bugging me is wondering how it would be prevented for our children to marry and have children, any of the children resulting from donated eggs.  I know it's a very remote chance but the chance is still there.

Does anyone know about this?


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## CJ (Aug 24, 2003)

When a child is born through donated eggs or sperm they can apply to the HFEA to check that the person they are in a relationship isn't a sibling. If you donate the eggs and you both have a child I would think your children could do the same.

I just think of all the people who, over the many yrs have had affairs or what ever and fall pg and never tell, I think I read something in a paper a while ago about a certain % of fathers in the UK are not the biological fathers of their children and they don't know it.
Would think it just as likely 2 half siblings could meet that way too, I guess we can at least check with the HFEA.


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## mum2twintoddlers (Oct 13, 2006)

Thank you so much for all your replies, it's so reassuring to know that everyone else has had the same tough decisions and dilemas to work through.

I still can't make up my mind, it's changing daily, we really need to do the egg share for financial reasons but there are so many issues that keep coming up.

I think I can handle the fact that somone else would be raising a child that was created from my egg so in effect is part of me.

I certainly would love to be able to help an infertile couple but will definately be asking the clinic if I can specify what kind of couple my eggs can be offered to.

I still have concerns over the future, not about being contacted as i think that's probably quite unlikely but more about the risks involved of my children hooking up with half siblings and having children as I think this can have serious consquequences for the children.

Ohhhhhhh it's all so confusing, my emotions are all over the place.

I've also had on my mind, worries like how would I feel if an 18 year old contacted me and has had a terrible upbringing, a broken home, abused, or some horrid situation like an much older women receiving the eggs and orphaning the child at a young age.  How would I feel about all that?

There's so much to consider, am I just going into it too deeply?  Did anyone else have these kind of worries and manage to overcome them?

I don't know how I'm ever going to make a decision.  My husband will support me fully whatever I decide so really it's down to me.


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## Guest (Oct 17, 2006)

like i said before, they are worries we all have sweetie, for me the fact that i can help someone else out weighs the rest.
even if i got offered a free go at ivf, i would still ask to share my eggs.
you do seem to be focusing on the negatives alot sweetie, try looking at the positives too (do a pro and con list?!)
take care hun, love maz xxx


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## mum2twintoddlers (Oct 13, 2006)

Hi Maz

I know I'm focussing alot of the negatives but I want to be really sure that I'll be able to live with my decision and not be worrying about it after I've done it, I want to make sure my worries are put to rest beforehand so they don't crop up again.

Egg sharing really is our only option as we don't have and can't come up the with money for more ivf and in my pro's and con's list, the pro's certainly outweigh the con's by loads.

I guess I just need to be really really sure, but the more I'm considering it, the more easy I feel with the whole concept and after our chat with the clinic due on 1st Nov and the councellor I'm hoping this will dissolve any remaining worries.

Thanks so much for all your replies, it helps a great deal to know that others have come across and overcome the same fears etc and I hope I will get there too.

I think I'm 90% there now!!

Just one more question, did you all discuss it with your families, i.e. parents before coming to your decision?  I'm not sure what mine would think of it, I don't know whether to keep it a secret from them, although my sister already knows we're consider it.  Is it best to be open and upfront?

Thanks again
Sarah


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## ladytara (Sep 12, 2006)

hi i discussed with my mum and my brother.  At the time i was against it but the both were all for it.  My mum was even talking about wanting to know about the baby, but i said it wasnt possible.  After all it affects everyone in your family, its your parents grandchild, and so on.

i also spoke to a lady from work whom which im close to and that was good to get an opinion from someone unrelated to me and that didnt know anything about it.  And she was also postive about it but also helped me with the pros and cons.

hope this helps

love tara


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## *kateag* (Jun 20, 2006)

Hi hun, I havent told everyone, they all know we are having IVF but only a few close family and friends know about the egg share. My mum and dad, sister and my 2 best mates. One of my friends was a little unsure about it but she is slowly coming to terms with it, and the other was a great help, as it was her who told me to look at it as in would I accept donor eggs if I needed to. 

My Parents have been brilliant as they know how much we want a brother or sister for our dd. I think the closer we get the less we think about the sharing side. Im sure that sounds selfish but I have made the choice to share, and now I just want to concentrate on getting that   for myself! 

I think its up to you who you tell, but the main reason for me not telling everyone is because I could not be dealing withe explaining it to everyone over and over again! If someone were to ask then I wouldnt hide it, nothing to be ashamed of. But its our private life.

Hope this helps hun! No matter how much advice you get, its got to be your choice. Good luck.

Kate
xxxx


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## Guest (Oct 18, 2006)

other than the ladies on here i didn't discuss it with anyone apart from my dh. i didn't want everyone elses thoughts in my head why i was trying to make up my mind.
as soon as we decided we wanted to do it i talked to my ds and then to family (mostly mum and bro) i also told a friend about it. other than that a couple of people know were hoping to have ivf but i will only mention eggshare if they bring it up.


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## Guest (Oct 18, 2006)

i found this on another site hun, it might help .......

Genes must be "expressed" within an individual in order to have an effect. The same gene or genes can express in a number of different ways depending on the environment. A gene can remain "silent" or unexpressed; it can be expressed strongly; it can be epressed weakly, and so on.

There is an entire field of study called imprinting having to do with which gene you "activate." The field of epigenetics studies these phenomenon, and popular journalism is just starting to write about it. While the human genome project was still underway, we usually heard genes referred to as "the Bible" of the human being, as a kind of absolute truth concerning the fundamental nature of the individual.

That is now changing. In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman's womb is the environment. It is her genes, not the donor's that determine the expression of the donor-egg baby's genes. A donor egg baby gets her genes from the donor; she gets the "instructions" on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term. The child who is born would have been a physically and no doubt emotionally different person than if carried by the donor. "

love maz xxx

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for content of external internet sites


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