# Adopting 'older' children 4-6



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi me and DH are talking a lot at the minute about what we think is right for our family etc. We have decided moving forward we would definitely like a sibling group. This had made us talk about and reconsider our age range considerations. We had previously thought any pre-school ages. However realistically in a sibling group it is likely that an older sibling would fall into the 4-6 age bracket. 

We would be open to this we think. Our only concern (I hope this doesn't sound awful) is having lived for a number of years without us would they ever feel in themselves that they were really 100% our family. Does that make sense We're thinking about their feelings and how children of that age find and feel about the process. 
Any personal stories or knowledge from people you know / did prep with greatly appreciated. 

Thank you for your wisdom and understanding that I don't mean this how it sounds on paper .


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

our kids are now 8 and 6, having adopted them when they were 4 and 7.
it took a while after a few weeks we had we smell like you now, after 3mnths they wanted to use their new surname
they've had such a rough start in life they just want a family and to belong so they will feel like they are yours


they talk about their birth mum and siblings and we encourage this, they are part of their lives


we had to do a lot of life story work in the first 6mnths to help them understand 


the first 9mnths i felt like a glorified baby sitter now its as though they've always been here


we were matched within 4 weeks of being approved to adopt we wanted a sibling group knowing we wanted at least 2 children so we were snapped up


4 other couples had looked at our kids but rejected them due to the age of the eldest, we were his last chance the plan after us if we said no was long term foster care


my advice go with it if it feels right i didn't want a baby, i wanted a toddler or older, my DH  was keen on as young as possible but as we went through the HS he changed we had an amazing SW who put us in touch with adopters who had adopted older kids and that really helped


best of luck


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Jules that's really great to hear.  Feeling like a babysitter is inevitable I'm presuming.  I would also be comfortable talking a lot about biological families and background.  Your SW sounds great putting you in touch with others. I hope we're given a similar opportunity.  Your story about your lo's meeting their Grandad made my Mum cry when I read it to her. Your boys sound fab x x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I don't think a sibling group would necessarily mean age 4-6. For instance a couple on my prep gp adopted siblings aged 1 and 2. Unless you are thinking of a sibling group of 3.


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

It really depends on what you actually truly want. We adopted full siblings who were six months and 18 months on placement. Our saw told about three sets of siblings all under three. You really need to decide what age you want and be true to it otherwise you'll always wonder. 

If you do want older children, wonderful, do it. BUT if you want a baby then wait for one, they are out there. Whoever you adopt deserves for you to be absolutely committed and amazingly pleased to have them. Hope that makes sense, a, two glasses of wine down!!!


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

interesting thought. I have been told we can 'easily' have two children under placed with us. Sw used the word 'easily' with a statement of warning and an apology! x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It's hard to know what we want really. This might sound stupid but we want the children that want us. Don't know if that makes sense. 

I don't crave a baby in the sense that if I was given the profile of a single child under 12 months the thought of it wouldn't fill me with excitement at all to be honest. However I would always read because you never know and I am open minded.  A child under 12 months as part of a sibling group of 2 or 3 would exciting to me but again wouldn't be a must for me. 

I guess in my head I am picturing and always have kids that toddle and babble upwards. Before all of this started I've never had a mental image of me and DH with a baby always with  toddlers etc. I'm hoping when we start prep in a few weeks and properly get going SW's will give me a lot more insight. 

To a degree I am open to professionals suggestions about what they feel would work with us but I would listen to my head, heart and gut feeling too.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Hi

You can be quite broad in what you want. We are just about to go to panel and are in a similar situation to you in terms of what we want. So we don't limit the profiles we see we've put our age range to be 0-6 with a sibling foul of up to 3 children. I'm all reality were hoping for two children, one probably of school age and one pre school. You don't have to be absolutely specific and the home study phase may help you narrow mown or clarify your feelings. Hope this helps x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Summer girl. I'm glad to hear you can be fairly open. I think for me whether I can picture a child / children in my life would be a lot important than age etc. Good luck with panel this month x x


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## pnkrobin (Dec 19, 2011)

We have been approved for one aged 3-7. I never saw us with a baby and like you we want a child who wants us but I've learnt through the process that this can take time, effort and patience. Even now I would consider an 8 year old but DH is keen to stick with plan as he believes in waiting for the right child. As it will be our first child and we'll have missed some years of their life I admire him for his resolve. I would imagine there is a different sort of joy to be gained from adopting an older child like heart to hearts, cuddles and trust. Bring on the first link!  
x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

One thing to bear in mind in giving a wide age range, is that if you say you're happy with a wide age range, you are very, very likely to be matched with a child at the top end of it - they're harder to place and less others would take them.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

That is very true Wyxie and one of my concerns I don't want being open minded to actually limit our focus and want it to open up options so shut them down. Lots of food for thought. 

Other questions Jules I'm hoping you can help here. 
If a child is already school aged when they come to you and move geographically so obviously have to move schools do they have any time off to be at home with you or is it intros, move Saturday, School Monday?? 

If so how did it work with them spending so many hours away from you? Did you / they struggle with this?


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

We are adopting a sibling group of two. Aged 2 years 11 months and 1 year at placement. We were approved for up to two aged 0 to 6. In terms of the moving school it is recommended to not put them in school straight away but give them time to bond . Might mean a term off at least . 

Luckily for us wee man was to start his nursery year 6 months after placement . At that stage he was ready to go ( it's only for 2 hours a day)


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Galaxy Girl that puts my mind at rest a lot. I am an experienced and qualified Primary School Teacher who spent most of my teaching time in year 1 or 2 so any time at home definitely wouldn't put them behind academically. If anything the opposite. Working one or two to one I could keep them up to speed with relatively little input just short sharp bursts here and there. Lots of learning through play in the garden etc to keep reading and writing on task and help bonding. 

Your pair sound great bet you're loving it x x


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## ariellamcbella (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Gwyneth

We are looking to adopt a sibling group (probably of 2) as well. We aren't limited in age group, and were in fact told that 0-3 would probably be just as possible as 4-7 but we both work; I can take the standard Adoption Leave and get Standard Adoption Pay etc, but if I am off for more than the standard, I wouldn't be able to return to my role, therefore We decided that 3+ is best for us...My job would fit around school hours, meaning that it would impact the children very little (once settled) except holidays which we are still trying to fathom at the mo...but as DH's mum is in the education system she may be an option (it depends on what the children respond to - if going to a child minder or holiday club would be better for them, when I can't book annual leave we would do that).

In terms of education, they would be out of school for a 'reasonable' length of time (this was one of my concerns before the initial visit - I am a forward planner) a recommended time is 4 weeks, but if they are focused on going back to school a minimum suggestion would be 2 weeks, but if really unsettled 6-8 weeks might be better). Though it generally does depend on the children, I think standard guidance is about 4 weeks (time to get settled, start building bonds and then  working in new changes to the routine etc).

I think if you really wouldn't be upset with being matched with an upper age-bracketed child, then do say you are open to this. we have said that we would prefer 4-6 as we are only in mid-late 20's so anything older than that would make me younger than 21 to have had them as birth children - and I find that a bit weird (don't have a problem with young mums at all, in fact friends with several just find that thought weird and can't get past it - DH feels the same so we have decided that it must mean that it wouldn't be right for us). 

I would definitely ask yourself if you would feel happy having only 4-6 year olds or whether you would like to have a child of a younger age. If you are open to, and would quite like, a younger age category, I would definitely speak to your SW about this. 

x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Same here - I originally felt that it would be odd to adopt a child older than our marriage. But we both seem to feel more drawn to older children who make very good matches to us. I kinda like the idea of being a young mum, especially knowing that they will soon be teenagers (love parenting that age) and then young adults... And I will still be in my early 40s!!  

If all goes well, I will be a grandmother before I retire and a great grandmother before I die, just like my beloved Gram. Always wanted to be matriarch of a large lovely and diverse family, just like hers. I will spoil my grand children rotten (hahaha)!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ah  Handstiched me too that's how I describe my G'ma as our Matriarch. She has 5 kids, 16 grankids and 6 great grankids and counting. I'd love a massive multi-generational clan.  I have always wanted to be a young Mum and obviously it hasn't been possible. With ICSI one of the things that really upset me was thinking about the age gap between me and my child if it worked and that it would be bigger than I wanted. With adoption that doesn't have to be the case. Oh so many things to think about x x x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Have you seen the movie Family Stone? That's a tribute to large diverse families, though not without lots of tears.


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

We spent a lot of time thinking about age and about sibling groups. As we went through the process, our age range changed (it lowered from 'over 2's' to the 0-4 age range) and we opted to adopt a single child. Contact is a massive consideration, and it's something you might feel differently about once it all stops being theory and becomes real. Older children will likely have contact that is legally obliged, sometimes face to face, and often very regular letterbox contact. We don't have any contact with birth family, only an informal agreement for letterbox every few years. Our situation is/was the best for our daughter and for us, we're all different though, and we all have different capacity for coping with things (basically, we're not as 'tough' as some adopters!).

Age is a relevant consideration/concern, it's responsible of you to be thinking about it. Really the early experiences of the child are more relevant than the actual age though. That said, obviously the older the child the more likely it will be that they'll have spent (perhaps significant) time with birth family, and the more likely it is that they'll have experienced multiple moves between foster carers. We met a pair of siblings during our introductions (they were being temporarily fostered in the same foster home as our daughter. Our daughter had been in the same foster home since since birth, and was 16 months when she came home to us). These siblings were both very young (under 4) and were being transitioned back to birth family (not for the first time). I was taken aback by how much their situation had already impacted on them (particularly the elder of the two). Whilst our daughter was secure and happy with the foster carer (she wanted nothing to do with us) the siblings approached us with no problem, and would've gone anywhere with us in a heartbeat (probably most upsetting of all) they were also calling us Mum and Dad (the foster carers had to regularly explain to them that we were our little one's Mum and Dad, not theirs). I guess my point is that our 'experience' as a family thus far would've been very different had we been at introductions with these children rather than our daughter. Also to say that it's advisable to give a great deal of consideration to what you think you will be able to cope with (in terms of contact, and of early experiences and the subsequent issues the child may have) before deciding on an age range.


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