# Feel like everything is against us *



## shipo (Dec 11, 2007)

I don't know whether this is in the right bit of not but I having a really bad time at the moment and need to let it all out...

It feels like everything is against us and having our baby is never going to happen.  

My husband and I having been trying for a baby since we got married in 2001.  Like everyone else we assumed that it would happen naturally and quickly so when nothing had happened after about 18months we went to see the doctor.  Everyone around us was getting pregnant and having babies without even trying.  We had every test going and they couldn't find any reason why I hadn't got pregnant so they referred us to St Mary's in Manchester.  After a huge wait to see someone they eventually put us on the waiting list for IVF but there was a three year wait.  In Jan 06 we got to the top of the list and were over the moon.  All the tests showed that I was ovulating and all the various levels were good so they expected it to be plain sailing from there.

We began treatment in May and nothing went how it should. I didn't respond well to the drugs.  Hormone levels were low and the number of follicles went down - the scan before treatment showed 9 - after treatment was 4.  We were warned that they may not even do egg collection becase at the time of the first scan there was only one follicle at the right size - 2 days later there there 3 with one slightly smaller.  

They did the egg collection and we got 3 eggs which ended up as 3 embryos.  By the time of embryo transfer, only one was at 4 cells so they put this and one of the others back.  We thought it was a miracle when the pregnancy test showed positive but when we went for the scan at 8 weeks we were told that the baby was smaller than it should be and the heartbeat slow so it didn't look good.  Another scan a week later and there was no heartbeat.  Our baby was dead.

This was the worst experience of my life.  To make it worse, on the day that we found out and had the "medical management of miscarriage", my friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  

The hospital said that we could have another attempt and that our file would go through the reiew meeting and we'ld get a letter saying what happens next.  Weeks and weeks passed and no letter so I phoned to find out that some idiot in office had just put the file away and it hadn't even been in the review meeting.  I had to phone loads of times before our file was actually reviewed and we got the letter saying to phone for treatment at my next period.

To make it worse, when I went back into work I found out that another girl at the office was also pregnant and her baby is due when mine should have been so I have a daily reminder of where I should have been with my pregnancy.  Another person that got married and got pregnant straight away.

When I did phone for the next two months, they couldn't accept me because there was some sort of move around happening at the hospital.  Meanwhile, I was due for another smear test and they won't accept me until that is done so I went to my gp in November and had the test done.  I hadn't had the letter yet so I phoned to see if they could chase it up and was told that the letter was on it's way to me but the test has to be done again because it was an inadequate sample - they hadn't taken enough to test it so now I have to wait twelve weeks before it can be redone.  Until then I can't request IVF treatment - so I can't do anything until at least February.  Why did they have to happen to my test - why not someone elses?

I'm almost 35 and am running out of time.  My husband doesn't understand why I'm reacting this badly but I can't stop crying - every month feels a month closer to me never being a mum.  My biological clock is ticking louder each day. I feel like we're just waiting for time to run out and were not doing anything.  I've been taking the vitamins and so has my husband but they don't seem to be having an effect.  I've been looking into various things we can do - healthier eating, hair mineral analysis and all the rest but he won't even look at it which is making me worse.  I know he cares and it's his way of dealing with it (and being strong for me) but it just feels like I'm the only one who cares.  I also feel like such a failure - billions of women have been having babies for years and I can't even get pregnant and when I do I can't even protect and take care of my baby like I should do.  I feel like I let it down.

Every time I read about people struggling to have kids, they're never been through as much of a struggle - they seem to moan when they don't get pregnant after two months - try 6 and a half years then you'll know pain!

When I phone the hospitals they don't seem to understand how this affects the people actually going through it.  It's all very well saying all "the right things" but they're not going through it - they have no idea what it feels like.  All the office staff don't seem to care that people are worried and upset but to them it's just a job

I don't know what to do or where to turn - we're stuck in limbo.  I'm scared to use the hospital counselling service in case this is another thing that can delay treatment - everything else has gone against us and I don't want another excuse.

Cath


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello Cath, welcome to Fertility Freinds. 

What a horrible time you have had of it lately.  A lot of the feelings you speak of in your post are completely normal for someone in your situation and I know I, personally, have been in similar situations - my neice giving birth as I was miscarrying after my second attempt, trying for so long and feeling like I'm getting nowhere with tests etc, a DH that had a far too casual attitude to proceedings, watching everyone around me fall pg so easily, feeling age creeping up and like I'm runnign out of time, money and options...  
I think you really need a huge hug right now. 
You are not alone at all, and counselling should certainly not be thought of as a negative thing because it takes a strong person to admit that they need to talk out their thoughts and feelings. However, you may well find that, now you have joined FF, you will find much comfort and support here that will help you.
There are lots of members here who will be only to happy to make you feel welcome and at home. I will leave you a few links to some of th parts of the boards where you can jump right on in and get started:

*Meanings ~ *CLICK HERE

*Girl & Boy talk - Community board ~ *CLICK HERE

*Unexplained ~*CLICK HERE

*What can improve egg quality and quantity ~ * 
CLICK HERE

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

*Pregnancy loss ~ *CLICK HERE

*In Between Treatment ~ * CLICK HERE

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

I hope that you can get things sorted out soon so that you can start your next tx as soon as possible. Wishing you lots of luck. Don't be a stranger! 

C~x


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## Gizmog (Nov 29, 2007)

I'm a bit worried about replying in case I say the wrong thing but it's hard to read your post without at least trying to say something.

The first part of your story obviously starts really well in spite of some hiccups along the way, and to my mind reads pretty normally for those who are TTC with assistance, so that's kind of a positive for the future.   

Then there's the loss of your baby (I am so sorry) which (I get the feeling) has had a massive, massive impact on your confidence and your usually optimistic outlook in spite of challenges. I'm really saddened by this and concerned, as it doesn't sound as though you have been offered enough advice and support on how to deal with your loss by the hospital.

The hospital has treated you appallingly under the circumstances so I'm sending you big  on that and wishing that I could do more.

This is only my opinion but I really think that you need to look into some sort of counselling/bereavement sessions but whether that's a case of taking the counselling offered by the hospital or going back to your GP and starting there I don't know. As a "friend" I would be really worried about you starting tx again (even if it meant a delay-but I would be surprised if it did) without having had the opportunity to talk about your IF experience so far, because I would worry that it could be too much of a strain for you and your DH.

Also you are starting to see yourself as a bad person and you are so not, what happened is not your fault, there's so many factors in this, that there is no way it can be. I can't help feeling that if you are able to talk to some medical professional or someone about this that having to wait until February could give you just the right amount of time to get back on to your feet and to have enough strength to deal with tx again.

Please, please do not worry about your age at the moment, the age stuff is based on statistics and doesn't really equate to how we have evolved as a society and as women. These days there's loads of "older women" (40 is the new 30), who bring healthy, happy children into the world. I wish I could offer you more positives based on my experiences but as you can see I'm not at the right stage to be able to do that.

You will be a Mummy but you need to pamper yourself and hubby for a bit first and be given lots of hugs.
I hope I have not upset you in anything that I have said and wish you all the very very best for the future and more.        Hopefully someone else will post who can offer you some more advice too. Gizmog. xxxxxxx


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## shipo (Dec 11, 2007)

Thanks for your message and comments.  

I just felt so alone because people who haven't been through this don't understand what all the fuss is about and they make "well meaning" comments which although that isn't their intention, actually make it worse.

I just wish someone could promise that it will all be ok in the end but they can't


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.  You have come to the right place for help and support.  I am sorry to hear of your loss   and all the troubles you have been having whilst ttc.

Emma
x x x x


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## Sunshine33 (Dec 1, 2007)

Hi Shipo,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss!!   I can't imagine how it feels but my heart does truly go out to you and i'm sending you lots of hugs  

You have found such an amazing place to come and get support from lots of new friends in a similar position. You are not alone in that awful wait every month to see if it is going to be your time to fall pregnant, there are lots of people here who can really relate to how that feels - me included!!

We have been ttc for about 5 years now and are now also on the waiting list for St Mary's too! I too have lots of friends who fall pregnant at the first try and it does get you down. I went to speak to a councellor about everything and how i was feeling and that did help massively, she helped put things into perspective and stressed that getting pregnant is a lot about luck, and not getting pregnant certainly doesn't mean you're a bad person!! It just means it is taking a bit longer for it to happen for you.

On the age subject, as Gizmog said you are not old - a colleague at work has just had her first baby at 42 - so please try not to worry about your age - it will only stress you out and not help with your fertility journey. With people starting families later now 35 is still young in baby making terms!!

I have just read a fantastic book that i think would really help you at the moment, it is called "Expecting Miracles: On the Path of Hope from Infertility to Parenthood" by Christo Zouves. It is a book of success stories of couples who have everything stacked against them in their plans to have a baby and reading it gave me lots of hope as the success stories against the odds showed me that it is sometimes a long slog but you'll get there in the end.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the sadness you are feeling - i have spent a lot of time crying about not having the family i dream of. But am still really hopeful that one day it will happen.

Sending you loads of love and hugs - as i think you really need them.

Kim xx


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## dakota (Feb 6, 2007)

Hi Cath,

Welcome to Fertility Friends.

Firstly a massive   , you really sound like you need one.

My advice to you would be to reconsider counselling, either through your hospital or GP. If you cant talk to your DH and friends, its so easy to bottle everything up, which will pull you down even more. It took me 3 yrs to have 6 sessions of counselling and i really wish id done it sooner. You feel like a massive weight has been lifted from your shoulders as you know whatever you say wont upset anyone.

This site is amazing, and i hope you find the love and support from it that we all have, 

Nikki


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## sammy s (Sep 21, 2007)

Hi There

Big hugs to you   
So sorry to hear of all you have been through.

I hope that knowing you are not alone can help  alittle. Get support from here
but also I would agree with others in that counselling may be a way to go.

Keep believing, I know it is hard right now. Be gentle to yourself and DH. He
can only deal with it how he knows as can you. Together this will make you
stronger.

Take Care
Sam


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## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Cath,

I just wanted to add my support to you. And, I too am one of those people who feel I've gone through one of the hardest struggles. We too have been ttc for over 6yrs. Our 1st pregnancy happened naturally and quickly, over the moon, then 20w scan showed severe anomolies and no life outside the womb, we terminated the pregnancy as there was no chance our baby would survive. I endured 8.5hrs of labour and gave birth to a boy who we named Ryan. We had a funeral for him too. That was Nov 2001. Then ttc part 2. We couldn't fall pregnant. I think it's partly to do with the fact that each of our pregnancies carries a 1 in 4 chance of recurrence of this fatal disease. 2yrs ago, discovered my tubes were blocked so IVF our best option. Our 1st attempt was negative and we were gutted, but determination kept us strong. Then our 2nd IVF, little over a yr ago worked. But, they put 2 embies back and low and behold, one twin had the lethal condition. We found out at the 12w scan and had 2 options - terminate the one baby or carry both twins full-term. We were advised to take the first option so we did, three wks later (16w preg), my water's broke in bed, I made it to the toilet in time and gave birth to my 2nd dead baby, so I totally know what loss is, we've lost 3 boys and I feel despair too.

People will never say the right things, even those who are dealing with IF themselves sometimes don't say all the right things as all our journey's are different. However, this support network will offer some ease of pain, I believe. As much as you would never want your worst enemy to have to go through what we've gone through, it's hard not to think 'why me?' all time. We don't deserve this. The only light at the end of our dark tunnels, apart from the obvious, is that when we have our babies, they will be so, so cherished, but only then with what we've gone through will we see how relevant our journey's have been. 

I too want someone to tell me I'll have a healthy baby one day, if I knew that I'd be able to relax and get on with my life. Every pregnancy announcement brings a feeling of sadness for ourselves, and makes us feel a little more of a failure each time, it's been chipping away at my confidence and belief in becoming a mother so much that I'm feeling exactly like you, will it ever happen? 

My thoughts are with you, take care xxxxx


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## shipo (Dec 11, 2007)

Sharon Louise 



Life is so unfair isn't it.  To some women a pregnancy and a baby is seen as an inconvience - I just wish it would happen.  I won't say any of the "usual" stuff because I know how meaningless it is and how it doesn't help (it seems to make it worse) so all I can say is I wish you well and I'm here if you need to talk.

Take care and good luck 

Cath


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## Strawberries (Apr 6, 2005)

Hi Shipo,

Just like to say hello and welcome to fertility friends.


                        Strawberries xx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic place full of advice and support and i wish you loads of luck with everything.

Kate xx​


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## gertleberry (Dec 16, 2007)

hi shipo


just to say hi and to send some big    .

love 
x trudie x


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## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

Shipo - Sending you a massive hug           everything you have written is completely normal in this world . Its a hugely lonely place - infertility - and the secrecy and shame that you describe only make it so much more so. You still have a difficult journey ahead of you but you also have hope. Hope that the next tx is succesful       

At our stage of our journey, my DH and I are now begun to say to each other, this will be OK whatever happens, whether its successful tx, living childfree or adoption. We have each other which is the absolute for us, this isnt just about having a child, its about having our child and we need to hold onto each other and remember that as we go through this journey. 

You sound as if you have had a tough time of it already so as others have advised, perhaps access some counselling and dont be too hard on yourself. This is a really tough journey  

Sharon Louise - I just wanted to send you a hug too  
Take care
Tib


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## shipo (Dec 11, 2007)

As if things weren't bad enough, we've just found out that things are worse than we thought

After having to pester the hospital to speak to a doctor, we finally saw one today and got them to tell us everything (it's been like a big secret and we've been having all the test but they haven't been telling us a lot) and it turns out that based on my poor response  in the last IVf cycle, it looks like I don't have many eggs left to work with.

They're going to try the short protocol this time but don't expect much improvement on results.

Talk about kicking us when we're down


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## Gizmog (Nov 29, 2007)

Hi Shipo,
Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I'll be honest, I've been preoccupied but last night I woke up at 4am and for some reason your post popped into my head.  
I haven't really got anything new to say-I just wanted to let u know that I was thinking of you and was wondering if you'd got some counselling sorted (I'm considering having some but obviously for different reasons-more to do with my own existence and having faith in myself) 
BUT even more importantly I was hoping that you'd been able to book yourselves some regular pamper sessions, that kind that will give you renewed strength, if that makes sense. You deserve it hun. Big hugs  
Don't let the hospital get you down either. You know best, they sound   . I'd love to give them a piece of my mind on your behalf but I guess best not to....?
Gizmog


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## Cate1976 (Oct 29, 2007)

Hi Shipo, just seen this thread and want to send you some      .  You have been through such a rough time.  I hope that your next tx is successful.


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

oh cath

its horrendous, i know. ive been trying 4 years and i had an ectopic xmas 04 and miscarriage shortly after turning 30 in may 05. so lost 2 in 6 mnths and nothing since waiting ivf now as appears i have tubal damage

PLEASE go & see counsellor get all the help they offer you - they are specialists and ive only been to mine once and had one phone session but its helped me alot she has a way of making my head understand everything

i know everyone else sees having  ababy like a normal life thing that just happens "as a matter of course" just like getting married or getting  amortgage, even. its like you are excluded from a "club" and you want it more than any of them ever did, so unfair

best of luck


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Tomorrow is Newbie Night in the Chat room at 8pm
- do pop in and say  To Caz & I
The chat room has various themed sessions each week, 
Details of these can be found on the main index page 
The chat room is open 24/7 with lots of support, fun & friendship to be found.
We already Offer one2one Chats by prior arrangement CLICK HERE


For help in getting into the chatroom  CLICK HERE


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## shipo (Dec 11, 2007)

St Mary's have proven themselves to be imcompetent, yet again (as you will probably be able to tell, I've gone past upset now and am on angry!).

They have knocked us back for treatment for a fourth month because the still have issues with the lab move that happened in late Oct / early Nov

If I was in charge there and given the importance of what goes on in that lab, someone would be getting the sack about now

Going to look into changing to private treatment - we haven't got the time to waste on their incompetance - we're running out of time as it is.

If anyone is thinking of using St Mary's in Manchester, I would seriously think again.  It is too important to take the chance with them


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## suzee (Jan 15, 2008)

Hi Shipo,

I just read through your thread and wanted to send you a great big .

I hope you get on well, good luck.

Suzee x


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## Anand (Nov 29, 2007)

Shipo  

Really hoping that things get sorted for you very soon with tx and perhaps in deciding where to go for next tx.

Sending lots of love - Anand xxx


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