# Hurtful 'comment'



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
I just wanted to have a bit of a 'vent'. We have had our beautiful LO with us for 2 months now. As you are all aware this is an intense time spent bonding and building the relationship with your child, I have been working extremely hard in protecting our LO and have given all my heart and soul at being a Mummy which I have loved. We are now potentially going to be placed with our LO's baby half sibling. I was busy telling my Mum that I have been settling my LO in with mother and toddler groups so that when new baby LO comes along we can all go together and it will be a familiar environment for LO no 1. My Mum replied with 'That will be funny, they will all know that they are not yours then'!!! I felt sick at the comment - the reason it was said was that I will turn up with a new LO after not being pregnant. I immediately and replied with 'They are MINE'. I felt sick and hurt and have not been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't said anything else to my Mum about how I feel but I think I need to. The comment has really knocked my confidence.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

PEJ, congratulations and glad to hear its all going well. Sorry that you feel hurt by your mums comment and although I don't know either of you I would be tempted to say I'm sure she didn't mean it in a hurtful way  
Maybe she just means that others may assume LO is your birth child...  They are of course yours and it sounds like you're doing a fab job!! Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I agree that you are doing an amazing job and congratulations on becoming a Mummy again what fantastic news. I agree 100% that your Mum wont have meant to upset you however she has. What she said was thoughtless and incredibly hurtful. I would raise it because otherwise she will make comments like that without thinking all the time and it will eat away at your relationship with her. If you tell her how she made you feel now she will think more before talking and in time will naturally say the right things not silly off the cuff comments. Also perhaps question her about why she made that comment. Does it show a prejudice she needs to work on in herself? I don't mean that is a horrible way but we all hold strange beliefs about things that we accumulated years ago without knowing that we need to challenge.   I know however you decide to handle it will be for the best. I've just told you what I would do. I am aware that I will have to deal with many situations like this in the future (fingers crossed) with some of my own family x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you both for your replies. 
Yes, I do need to say something as I have let other comments go in the past few months, including one comment about how our LO looks implying she is not going to look like me when she is an adult. I know I need to bring it up now before my LO is aware of comments that can be made.  The comments have been so unexpected that I have not said what I wish I could have said at the time. Unfortunately, my Mum has this control over me. I will question it in a calm way like you say gwyneth27 perhaps there is a prejudice. Looking back there were some odd comments throughout our process. All other friends and family especially my in-laws have been wonderful and natural with our LO.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I just think a lot of people do on some level. When we found out we couldn't have children and told close friends and family ( mainly because I was going to kill someone the next time the when are you two going to have children was raised) , a lot of people said it would be better if IVF worked wouldn't it. This really hurt me because deep down on my heart I always knew that IVF wouldn't work and saw us adopting. I used to say back it wouldn't be better just simpler. However this to me showed they must hold some prejudice that they will need to challenge in themselves in order to stay in my life. 

A lot of things have and do hurt me but I have started answering back now. Mainly because I don't ever want comments to hurt my (fingers crossed) future children. I think about protecting them and it gives me the strength to stand up to people. It also makes me feel comfortable with the upset I may cause others because like you I hate hurting anyone's feelings. If you feel your Mum will rail road you perhaps write everything you want to say in a letter. Tell her you have had to write it down because it is so upsetting you can't say it all but you need to have a conversation about it. Give her it, sit and wait while she reads it and then have the conversation at least you have a chance to say everything because she has had to read it. 

It is hard but I know if you have managed to adopt then you have been through so much and must be a very strong person x x x


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

I would be full of total admiration if I found out that someone had adopted a LO and then would be placed with their sibling. I am sure you are doing an amazing job and I am also sure that your mum didnt mean to hurt your feelings. I do think its hard for anybody who hasnt struggled with IF to understand how precious our nerves are and a simple throwaway commnent like that can shatter all the hard work you have done in rebuilding your confidence.
If IVF proves not to work for me I would be more than happy to adopt and hearing how well you ladies do with these special LOs gives the rest of us a lot to look upto.

Please dont let this comment get you down hun. Any mummy out there should be just as understanding and will welcome you with open arms. My advice would be to just be honest, if they have anything to say about it, stuff them! they are not worth it   xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

Just wanted to give you an opinion/advice from someone who has been an adoptive parent for quite a while now  

The comments are hurtful from people especially family/friends who don't even realise what they have said! I think it always stings but you do get more used to just letting it wash over you more quickly and you learn to come back with someone when someone makes a comment. 

I find myself now saying something sometimes, a parent who I thought knew my sons were adopted ( most at nursery/school do as one day I collected eldest son and I had a new born foster baby with me who wasn't with me the day before    , said ohh you can tell they are brothers    so I just came back with umm that would be very hard as none of us are biologically related! 


Guess I'm trying to say the comments do get easier to manage and maybe sometimes we just need to let our family know what thy have said is hurtful 


Big hugs 
Suzie x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Not knowing your Mum and your relationship with her I can't say whether she meant the comment to be hurtful BUT looking at what she is saying she is true in that you will turn up there not having been pg and people will know at least that the new child isn't biologically related to you.  I'm sure you have thought about this and the potential it could have for nosey questions, if you haven't then prepare yourself so you have some responses ready!  During prep and HS you will have been told constantly about being open about adoption to your LO (s) and so the idea of people knowing isn't a worry but your parents generation weren't brought up to be so open and adoption then was very different and closed.  It sounds to me that your Mum may have an issue with the openness and possibly be worried that people will ask awkward questions and upset you.  Whats to say your LO won't look like you when she is older?  They take on our characteristics and, tbh, out of all the people I know who have adopted (thats loads) you wouldn't look at them and say 'those children aren't theirs', it is uncanny how alike they do look.

Adopting is different, many people don't get it and never will.  You will get many many comments from people you thought understood as well as those you'd expect comments from, you end up with a thick skin and ready prepared answers that will stop people from prying more.  

Good luck with the arrival of number 2!

OT x


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you ALL for  your feedback, it really has made me feel so much better. 
I am going to talk to my Mum about her comments mainly to protect my LO's and our family in the future. It is in the past now but whenever  I used to tell my Mum that we were considering adoption she always used to try and talk me into having a donor which I had personally never felt was the right path for my DH & I. I do think I need to see if there are any prejudices or confusion with feelings of adoption. 
I do feel prepared for comments when no 2 comes along and have already spoken about it when and where appropriate. However, my LO is mine and my skin is getting thicker by the day


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Really glad you've made decisions you sound a lot stronger which is fab well done x


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