# DP has finally opened up



## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Although I am very excited to be pregnant, I will be the first to admit the last 2 months have been very difficult and put a real strain on our family. I have had awful sickness requiring hospital admission and pretty much been miserable company and not a great partner or Mum  . Since moving back to Ireland this year, DP has rediscovered her passion for horseriding that she used to have as a child. She has found a lovely stables nearby and become good friends with the owner and 2 of the women that also ride there. They are a great bunch and I would consider them friends too, and I love DP's (and now the boys'!) love for horses. Over the last few weeks we have done very little together and she has spent more and more time with these women on a social level and at the stables. I have found myself feeling very uncomfortable with the intensity of their friendships and felt we have been poles apart. If I'm honest I have felt quite alone in this pregnancy so far  . I have no trust issues with DP but I have felt quite rejected over the amount of time she is with everyone else as we normally have such a great balance of family life, time together, and time with friends or at work. Last night she came home from a weekend away with her friends. I was invited too but had no desire to go with my sickness still present and of course it is not great sitting and watching everyone else get hideously drunk  . The boys are at school and nursery today and I thought it would be nice to just chill out at home together this morning and watch DVDs in bed as neither of us have work. I suggested this to DP last night and she told me she had already arranged to horseride today. I just felt totally rejected by this as normally we would both have the idea to grab hold of some childfree time, especially after her being away with these people all weekend. 
DP is NOT a talker and I normally know how she feels about something before she does and I have learnt to sit back and wait for her to talk to me. Well this morning the tears came and she admitted to me that she feels so messed up by this pregnancy  . She feels totally uninvolved and out of control and very jealous that she is not experiencing it again. I was exactly the same when she was pregnant and was frantically posting on here to get support without having to upset DP with my feelings. She also has this irrational anger towards this baby for making me so ill and turning our lives upside down for the last coupel of months. She also admitted that she is surprised by how emotional she feels about me carrying 'her' baby. She didn't think she had an issue with her but it is totally messing with her head and she has become obsesssed with not being able to bond with it properly when it is born  . She has kept all these feelings from me as I have had enough to deal with with the sickness. All the time she spends with her 'horsy' friends is her way of escaping the situation and not having to face up to her feelings. I am so glad she has finally told me all this and we feel closer again straight away. She took the boys to school and I told her to go and chill out with her beautiful horse, and she wants to talk more tonight. 
It all just feels so sad and messy and not how it should be. Any words of wisdom? xx


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## Monkey07 (Jul 8, 2012)

Hi Han 

As you know we have had IUI as my DW has no desire to carry a child (but cannot wait to be a parent) so I can only imagine that it must be hard for your DP to see you carrying 'her' baby. I guess the emotional negative isn't something that either of you thought about when making the decision? You don't do you, I know when we discussed the option you used the major positive for us was that we would both have a big role in it as opposed to one being more involved than the other. 

I would suggest lots of reminders about how you and her love both your boys equally despite only genetically being related to one each? I hope that makes sense.

I do think your extreme sickness this time round probably has had an impact on your relationship and thus it has given her unnecessary extra thinking time... My sickness isn't half as bad as yours but I am already conscious that I am saying to DW "go to the pub/netball/mates house" a lot more than I normally would because I feel pants and just want to sleep without bringing her down with me!

It's good that your DP has opened up and I have my fingers crossed for you that things will only become positive from now on  xx


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Han - I'm sorry it's been difficult but sounds like things are on the up?!

I think having babies in a female couple will always throw up issues we don't expect & maybe more so for you guys as you've done it twice before. Having 2 wombs available but picking 1 is difficult, although DW didn't want to carry a child she spent the first trimester of my pregnancy grieving for the child she'll never have. Of course now S is hers no question but I suspect she still thinks about it occassionally. 

Sounds like you both loved your pregnancies (sickness aside) so I can see this would be difficult for your DP. Hopefully when she can feel him/her she'll feel more involved. Sorry I haven't got any answers but hoping things are on their way to being back to normal very soon!


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Thanks for your replies ladies  

Monkey - you have hit the nail on the head re the sickness. We have had so little time together recently and not been ourselves and DP has just over analysed EVERYTHING! We had more chats last night and DP (and I) feel so much better now her feelings are all out in the open. She just feels so much guilt about them but I told her that I felt very similar to her before so I understand, and she is the only one putting the guilt on herself. 
She knows we both feel no different about either boys and in the longterm she knows we will feel the same about this baby. 
She is also concerned about having 3 children and not sure she is actually ready, but I would say that is a concern of all couples and not just because we are 2 women. 

Welshginge - I think you are right that female couples make this whole baby making business so much more emotional. I think it just makes us question our roles as mothers when it it is not so clear cut as it is in a heterosexual relationship. 

We have just had a lovely day together. Dropped DS1 at school and DS2 at Nanny's and went into town for a lovely hotel lunch. Sat by the fire and read the papers. I managed to eat a random meal of a plateful of spicey chicken wings  . We just laughed together and chilled out


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Han,   I have only just seen this so am a bit late but wanted to send you a big hug. It already sounds like things are improving-communication makes all the difference, it is really good that DP shared her feelings with you entirely so now you can work together to come to terms with some of those really difficult issues that only we same sex female couples experience. As you know I can't have anymore children, so I went to a counsellor to help me come to terms with that fact as we knew we were about to try with DW and I needed to be able to cope with it and be pleased for her too. The counsellor really helped, it's not for everybody and actually I only went once because I found that my chats with DW and close friends were equally helpful but it was so good to just say how much I was hurting. 

Bizarrely, DW falling pg first time threw us too as we were totally not prepared for it expecting it to take ages becuase of my experiences. But now we are both thrilled. However, DW's morning sickness (although nowhere near as bad as yours) took its toll on me today as I felt exasperated at looking after her and Jacob and the house and it suddenly felt all too much. But it passed and I feel better now.

I think talking is the answer along with quality couple time. You will both bond equally with baby#3, just like you both have with DS#1 and DS#2 despite taking it in turns to carry. Look after each other, as your morning sickness starts to lift things will all improve I am sure of it,
 to you both, here to chat if you need,
Much love xx


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Thanks for your message Becs  

We are still in a 'funny' place but I guess it will all take time. My sickness is so much less which is really helpful as I feel more able to get back our normal family life. I just feel a bit awkward at the moment and oversensitive to the way I behave and the things DP says to me, but I think part of that is me being pregnant aswell. I am going to England on my own for 5 days on friday so I am really looking forward to that and I am hoping that DP will maybe think about things differently when I am out of sight


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## Louie34 (Oct 29, 2011)

Hi Han I'm sorry that you are feeling so sick and that you and your Dp have been going through a tricky time. My Dp and I are expecting our first baby in 1 week and 1 day and I am the non birth Mummy. Generally the pregnancy has gone very well but in the last couple of months I am ashamed to say I have had moments where I have been feeling very jealous. We both desperately wanted to carry a child but she is 2 years older hence our decision for her to go first and me to start treatment in Autumn next year. I'm not worried at all about bonding with the baby. I just wish I was pregnant too silly as it sounds. I've been feeling very guilty about feeling jealous as I am so grateful that we are having a baby. I think like you've all said on here its just that our feelings are quite unique and emotionally challenging in these situations. We have talked openly about our feelings and my Dp has been so understanding and caring so I'm very lucky but she also has given me time and I've found that I feel much better now. I do hope you both feel better soon and keep talking to each other about both of your feelings. I really think its important. X


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Hi Louie,  
Thanks for your reply. How exciting that you are going to be a mummy so soon  . My jealousy got less and less as DP grew and I could feel the baby as I felt more part of it. I remember posting on here about my jealousy and someone was quite unkind and made me feel like there was something wrong with the way I loved DP  . I may point out that this person had no desire to carry a child and was happy for her partner to carry all their children. I think that makes a big difference. Aside from her comments, everyone was very supportive and there were so many others who felt similar. 
There is no difference in my intensity of love for my boys and I know DP will be the same with this baby. We are getting on much better  . We haven't really talked much more about the whole baby thing but yesterday we had a lovely normal family day and went out for sunday lunch and then fell asleep infront of the fire while the boys watched a DVD  . I am eating meals again which makes life so much more normal and I just feel well enough to be part of the family again and 'do my bit'. I am off to England on friday on my own for 5 days  . The boys are in school/nursery on thursday til 2pm and DP and I aren't working and she suggested we do something nice together - that feels like my DP


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