# quick question for you.



## Fayebeline (Jul 21, 2012)

Good morning ladies.

On Sunday, I met up with some other ladies going through IF through a new meeting we've set up in Kent through infertility network.

Anyway, I'm the only one in the group with a child already, but one of the ladies asked me why I wasn't happy with one child and what's making me want to have another.  Think she was worried that she wouldn't be happy with one if she was lucky enough for it to happen.

I had to take a massive deep breath before replying.  What would or do you say if you are asked this?

I have always wanted more than one child, I have plenty of friends who have just got the one and are more than happy with just one, but even after I had Hayden, I knew I wanted more and even started trying when he was 9 months old.  Unfortunately my ex-hubby then left me.  I luckily went on to meet my current partner and we've been trying for 5 years.  He is desperate to have a biological child and we will do anything to get that baby, even if it means that we end up using donor eggs.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.  I've got a date with a sewing machine to do some work.

Fx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Fayebeline,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles over the past few years 

In answer to your question....
Firstly, although I appreciate that the lady in question may have been asking with her own worries and concerns in mind, if she worded it like that then it was very direct, rude, and quite frankly not very supportive (considering you were at a support group) 

It's sad how so often secondary infertility is met with so little compassion and understanding, and especially wrong when people are made to feel guilty for wanting to extend their family 

Your decision to have a second child is just that i.e. _yours_ and no one should make you feel you have to justify yourself in that regard 
Yes, some people choose to have just the one (I'm an only child and have come out pretty ok I think ) but then some people choose to have ten, and if they were fortunate enough to encounter no problems then good for them, but the point I'm making is that everyone's circumstances and family situations are different, how many children you want shouldn't be up for judgement.

At the end of the day (and giving her the benefit of the doubt) I'm sure she just didn't 'filter' what she wanted to get across, so it may have come out a bit more direct and harsh than intended, but even with it worded differently, it's not something you should feel the need to justify to anyone 

We all grow up feeling that having as many children as we choose will be a 'given', sadly we all know that it doesn't always go that way. 
Whether it's not being able to conceive any children, or subsequent children, the very last thing you need is to have to try to explain to someone _why_ you want what you are so desperately struggling to achieve.

I'll get off my soapbox now  

I wish you all the best, and lots of luck that little Hayden has a little brother or sister really soon  
 
Anj x x


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## nineathena (Jan 15, 2014)

What a horrible, horrible question. I'm actually sorry you had to be asked that. It just shows that even although some people are in the same boat, not everyone is compassionate hey? How insensitive of this person. I would struggle to keep my composure.

I also have a daughter, and I've been struggling for 4 years to fall pregnant again. I'm currently in the middle of my first IVF cycle.

I've had these type of questions before. And it's been hinted at. It seems sympathy and compassion and understanding flies out the door when people learn you already have a child. I absolutely cannot fathom why. As if a 2nd child is less wanted?

What gets me is that the need and yearning for a second child is no different than your yearning for a first. 

As you can see I feel very strongly about this. I'm also hopped up on lots of injectable hormones.  

And hugs... It's a difficult situation, and her question has sure not made it easier.


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## Fayebeline (Jul 21, 2012)

Thanks ladies for your replies.

I can (kind of) understand where the woman was coming from. Only kind of though.

I've not experienced any kind of question like that so far in my journey so was totally thrown by it.  I've spoken to a few friends about it and they, like you, feel that it was a little out of order for someone to ask that.  I came away from the meeting so upset instead of supported like I was after the first meeting.

Good luck with this cycle Nineathena, fingers tightly crossed for you.

Let's hope my next meeting is a lot more positive.

xxxxx


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