# :(



## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

What symptoms I did have have gone away, I woke up with af cramps this morning and I've just noticed that I am spotting pink blood. I will test tomorrow morning but I'm 100% certain it will be a bfn. Am devastated and angry with myself & my husband isn't here. PLEASE, I know you'll all want to help but please don't tell me to be positive and that it could just be implantation bleeding because it isn't. It's over for me and I cannot ever imagine putting myself and my husband through this hell again. I feel so useless as a woman, everything went so well with this cycle until now, we were never going to get a better chance than this and I've let him down again.
This is awful


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## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Hi Mrs B, 

I was in your shoes a couple of weeks ago so know exactly how you're feeling.........I wont say its too early to know for sure or to be positive because quite frankly I wanted to slap anyone who said that to me  What I can say is its totally and utterly crap BUT 2 weeks on i'm doing ok, it hasn't killed me and I am looking forward to 2012 so I can crack on with round 2 and hopefully get my baby. 

You are so not a failure sweetie, but I have felt the same and I have offered my husband a quickie easy divorce to run a mile from me so he can find someone else to give him a baby but he's still sitting here - fast asleep on the sofa in fact.

I simply refuse to let this crappy hand that life has dealt me beat me or my relationship with my husband as my marriage is bigger and better than any of this infertility rubbish. 

I hope to god your intuition is wrong but if not take some time out, enjoy living for a bit and then you will feel ready to dust yourself down and try again. 

Lots of love xxx


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## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

Thank you for your lovely post. I tested this morning, would've been 9dp5dt so not too early, only a day before my otd and it's a bfn. I knew it would be but seeing that single line there still hurt like hell. I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, the one person I need is my husband but he's away with work and won't be home til next monday so I've somehow got to get through this without him. I know you said I'm not a failure but I feel like one - everything about my cycle went amazingly well until we got to the bit that was purely relying on my body and it's let us down yet again. 

anyway, thanks again for your post, it means a lot

Amanda x


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## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Hi Amanda, 

Just wanted to see how you're doing today? xxx


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## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

Just rubbish really. Not coping very well & have hidden myself away from the world. The only person I want is my hubby & no-one else will do. I'm in a fair amount of pain with the bleeding, worse than any af I've ever had before. It's just horrible


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## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Oh hon I am so so sorry, I feel for you so much. It is totally rubbish and the hormones from AF and the drugs will be making you feel 10 times worse. 
Have you got any close family or friends nearby that can be there for you until DH gets home? I know its no comparison but a hug and a glass of wine with a friend may help for a bit. 

I wish I could help in somewhere but I can guarantee it gets easier, huge hugs xxx


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## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

Thanks Lexi 

Not really, we've not long moved 300 miles away from my family (hubby's a soldier) & I don't know anyone here that well. 5 more days til he's home, it feels like forever. I keep thinking I can't take painkillers & then I remember that yes I can cos there's no embryo there to harm & that sets me off all over again   This is soooooo hard! Ladies who've done this more than once are so brave x


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## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Ahh love that's crap, yep I totally agree I don't know how people go through this multiple times.

BUT if you've got this far then you must be a toughie, don't forget that  

Could you book yourself in for a massage somewhere or something relaxing to do, it may take your mind off it for an hour xx


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## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

Going for a massage would be lovely but it involves getting out of my jim jams & washing my hair    To be honest, I'm not sure I should stray too far from the house anyway, the bleeding is really quite bad    I'll be ok, it helps to come on here. It's all I can think about at the moment anyway, I'm sure as time passes I'll obsess a bit less over it and soon James will be home & we can start to look forward to Christmas after I've had a massive cry on his shoulder and got all the hugs I need. He's as gutted as I am & he's just as much in need of a hug as me, we'll get through it somehow x


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## Elizzybeth (Jul 27, 2011)

Lexi - well said in what you shared!

MrsBilly - I have no words to help and can just offer  .  But one thing I did want to tell you - you said it all came down to your body and it failed - please, please don't think that - there could be so many reasons why it did not work that have NOTHING to do with you!  Sometimes there simply is no reason and next IVF you are pregnant wondering what was different when the cycle seemed the same!!  Please don't blame yourself!!  Hope you enjoy your massage!!


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## Mrs Billy (Jun 30, 2010)

Thanks Elizzybeth

I'm finding it very hard not to blame myself - my hubby's sperm was fine, we had a top quality embie and perfect lining and yet my body didn't do what it should have done to protect that little mix of me & hubby and allow it to grow. I did everything "right", we were given fantastic odds by the clinic, had an amazing cycle in which 19 eggs fertilised and now I'm left with nothing but a broken heart and the worst AF pains I've ever had in my life. We do have frosties and so theoretically many more chances but I don't have the heart to put any more in there if my body's going to do this to them. They're better off frozen, that's how I feel at the moment anyway.

I know it was "just a ball of cells" & people can call me silly if they wish but seeing that perfect blast on the screen already starting to hatch ready for me, seeing it inside me on the ultrasound screen- I actually loved that little embie and my body destroyed it. It hurts like hell.

I knew a bfn would devastate me but I didn't appreciate how bad I would actually feel, emotionally AND physically. It's awful  


Sorry for ranting, but I don't have anyone else I can talk to


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

This is such a hard thing to deal with, I found out today that IUI has failed for us third time around and honestly feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, I'm so sorry you are facing this whilst your DH is stranded away from you with work. 

You are NOT silly to have loved the your little embie, all of us on here I'm sure already love the child we're desperately waiting for, you are allowed to greive but please do not forget that in time you may feel ready to start again. 
I think it will always be devastating to see that mean BFN, the hormones we get pumped with don't help, but in time if you feel ready to take that leap of faith next time could be different, it only has to work once     

Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically, and know you are being thought of by lots of lovely FF ladies 

Sending hugs best wishes and hope 

XXX


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## Elizzybeth (Jul 27, 2011)

Mrs Billy and Bubbles85 - hope you are both doing better.  Keeping you both in my thoughts.


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278545.0


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