# IUI/IVF v Natural Conception



## cup of tea (Aug 20, 2009)

Hello - I'm a newbie looking who has just found this thread

I'm married to someone I thought was a lovely man, and together we've had 3 unsuccessful attempts at ICSI - unfortunately he had a childhood cancer and as a result of that he has an extremely low sperm count.  He didn't want to even consider using donor sperm, so I was getting used to the fact that unless we were to adopt, then we'd remain childless - which would have been a very big sacrifice on my part to be with him as I've always wanted children.

However - all that changed last week when I've found he's cheating on me!!!!

I'm 42 - and at the last ICSI that I went through in May, all my results were extremely promising for someone of my "old" age.  So I'd like to have another go at getting pregnant while there is still some possibility of me using my own eggs.  I have a very good friend who is prepared to be the father.  He has said that he will let me choose which clinic to us and he'll go along with whatever tests are necessary.  I do know there are all sorts of legal complications as I'm still married (and I haven't actually told DH yet that I know what he's doing!)

I confided in a close friend yesterday - and I thought she'd tell me I was being crazy and that I shouldn't even be thinking of bringing a baby into the world in these circumstances.  But her advice was that I should have a few drinks and then go to bed with him and forget about clinics 

I know that in theory I have no fertility problems - and there is no reason to think that my friend would have any problems in being a father (I do know that this can't be guaranteed) - but is it worth us trying naturally before contacting a clinic?  I see that IUI success rates for my age group are very low - and even with ICSI the national average is only a 12% success rate (and it's at least £5,000 for each cycle).  So if clinical results are so low, with all the monitoring they do - would the natural success rate be even lower?  I've read that if you've been trying naturally then you should contact your doctor if you haven't conceived after a year - but I don't have a year to wait!


----------



## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi

Sorry to hear what you've been going through.  I completely understand how you feel.  Have to be quick coz have to get dressed while my LO is asleep so I'll be brief if that's ok.

re. whole situation.  If you want to try with the other guy then you should ..... but it's probably best if you tell your husband as all sorts of complications could arise.

re. trying naturally.  Not sure if the other guy is a friend as in non sexual or otherwise but its unlikely that you will fall pregnant that quickly so unless you can do that every month until you do then fine but maybe it's best that you see how committed he is.  I would keep trying but I would probably go to the doctor, get tested etc and go to a clinic then at least you would find out if the other guy has any problems.

It depends on how long you want to try for.  At 42 and having already been through so much tx -I may be inclined to try for a couple of months whilst still keeping options open.

btw - it took me 5 months to conceive and we both had no problems and I was 36 so it does take a while.

Axx


----------



## MistyLake (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi,

I had 7 cycles of IUI with no success, but got pregnant first time with unprotected sexual intercourse. I believe that old eggs dont tolerate abnormal conception processes as well as younger ones, and that clinic stats do not reflect the influence of the natural process on fertility.

Rx


----------



## cup of tea (Aug 20, 2009)

Hello Ladies

Thanks for your reply - I suppose that I should have explained that my "friend" is in fact a former boyfriend - who I was with for 7 years until I met my current DH.  My friend and I have always remained good friends - but I've never cheated on my DH.  I tend to think of my friend as being more like a brother - he's a really good friend and we only split up because he didn't want any commitment.  And since we split he's had a couple of other girlfriends - but will never commit.  Now that I've accepted his offer to be the father he's now having 2nd thoughts about that  (which I did expect - as that's the way he is!!!!)

So it's not as if we've  never had sex before - but it would be extremely different circumstances now - and I don't fancy him at all now.  I said to my friend at work that I wondered about using some sort of home insemination kit - and that's when she said it would be much easier just to do "it"

I know that I should tell my husband that I know about his affair - but I don't have much proof about it, and I'd like to have a divorce on the grounds of his adultery.  At the moment the girl is in the US, and he's here in England, so I don't think a few romantic e-mails would really be enough proof that anything is going on - although in his e-mails he does tell her that given the choice between us, he'd choose her, and he goes on about how he'd met her 6 years ago.  I'm waiting for him to tell me that he needs to go over to New York for his work - or there is an event in Paris in October which I think they may try and meet at.

I've got 3 options:
1. Don't say anything at all to DH (as I may not even get pg)
2. Tell DH that I'm going to try and get pg using donor sperm but not say who the father will be
3. Tell DH that I'm considering getting pg and who the intended father is

I must say that I had a strict Catholic upbringing and I'm usually very honest about everything - I suppose that discovering what my husband has been doing has hurt me, and it does make me feel that I should be thinking about what I want to achieve rather than considering him.  Although, I do know that if I decide to go ahead without his knowledge then I'm being just as bad as him.  I can't believe what a good actor he is - I thought I could trust him totally, but he's been even more affectionate to me than usual over the past week - which could be because he's feeling guilty?

Anway - enough of me waffling on about my marriage problems!  This board is for fertility discussions not marriage guidance   I really appreciate all the advice on conceiving on my own.


----------



## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hi cup of tea

What a tricky situation. Would your DH want to be the father (not biological) to any child you might have? Do you want your relationship with him to end anyway if he is cheating? For me the thing to consider would be the child that you will hopefully produce, what do you want for them? to know their father, to use a donor who they can trace Its hard to make a decision as everything is all tied up together. Is your ex really going to commit to the idea? Could you end up wasting time whilst he decides?  Perhaps its worth investigating what would happen if you used donor sperm from a clinic...there might be a waiting list anyway which might change things.
It does sound like you need to find out from your DH what is going on and what he wants from the situation.  If you know that you want to be a mum, there will be a way, either IVF, donor eggs or adoption.
Not sure if questions help...there are a lot of us on here doing this alone so we know it can be done successfully...its almost like you need to separate the two issues, what to do about marriage and what to do about motherhood!

good luck.
xx


----------



## cup of tea (Aug 20, 2009)

Thanks Lulu

DH had 2 SA done with no sperm, and then he went through surgical sperm retrival without any success and at that time we were told only option was donor sperm and he was really against the idea.  He said he'd rather adopt than for me to use DS - and he would like to be a dad, and I think he'd make a great dad as he really does love children.

However, while there is still a chance of me actually having a child then I'd like to try again with my own eggs and then if necessary with DE before considering the surregacy or adoption routes - so I know I need to start on that as soon as possible.

I think that I'll never be able to trust DH again - so for me that means the marriage needs to come to an end. It's just very hard as everything may seem "perfect" in our marriage to actually break the harmony and tell him that I know what's been happening and that I want out.  This last week I haven't been able to bring myself to actually contact the solicitor who drew up our prenuptial agreement as it all seems so final to start that.  I suppose I'm worried about losing out as I've put most of the money into our home - and I just hope he doesn't want to "take me to the cleaners" and get every penny that he can from me - I may need all the money I can get for ICSI!!!!!


----------



## blueytoo (Oct 5, 2003)

Legally until your divorce is finalised then your DH will be the legal father of any child and you will have to put his name on the birth certificate.

I used to work in family law and can also tell you that very,very few divorces are granted on the basis of adultery any more. Its been the norm for at least the past 20 years for a divorce to be on unreasonable behaviour grounds (which includes adultery anyway). From what I recall, he would have had to actually slept with this woman in any event for it to be considered any form of adultery.

I would seriously caution against getting pregnant by any means or method whilst you are still married unless you change your mind and decide to stay with your DH. Your do say that as far as you are concerned the marriage is over, so it may be best to get to your solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling. My divorce was very straight forward and fairly amicable, but it still took a year to get Decree Absolute.

If you are worried about time then I would say that ICSI/IVF is probably the way to go. It gives way higher chances than IUI.


----------

