# Feeling unsupported



## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi Girls! I am writing as I feel totally confused. We are in a situation where BM has the right to see her child every month until the Adoption goes through. Our Sws have said this could take up to a year - at the worst. 


My problem is that meeting her, dropping off our LO and picking him up is causing me huge anxiety. seeing and talking to her really upsets me for loads of reasons. In addition to this I see our LO change quite a bit after contact - scratching, hyper, touching everything in the house and saying this is mine, refusing to do as he is told (normally well behaved for a toddler), screaming to get his own way then being really quiet for ages. He displays very contradictory behaviour which is very challenging to deal with.  


He is a clever boy and I dont know what is being said to him when I am not there. I have to go away as it is BM right to see LO on her own with SW. To complicate things further DH and his family say he is totally fine, there is nothing wrong. I feel they dont want to think that he's not okay - like sweeping it under the carpet. Dh says I am the one with the problem!!   How can this be when I know LO the best out of everyone


I am putting in 100% effort 24-7 and I am exhausted! These contacts are detracting from the relationship I have worked very hard to build up with LO. My DH is really hurting me by not being supportive. Then I'm thinking is it me??  


Oh my this is a bit of a rant...hope someone has some wise words of wisdom. Really need a hug.   


Noodles xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Noodles I have no words of wisdom but really want to give you a   . 

I have always followed your story and I am really sorry you are having a tough time.  

As an outsider I think that this contact with BM is likely to be confusing and very unsettling for lo. However obviously I don't know the reasons for this contact but it is possible it makes lo worry about placement stability.  

With regards to DH could you get him to go / drop off and pick up from the next one.  Men are very good at ignoring things and claiming they are no big deal and us females are being OTT. However when actually forced to deal with or confront stiff they often change their minds.  I would book something that clashes with the next one and ask DH to take the day off. Once he has a week or so later then say oh I have just realised  it's contact day so you will need to do that.  If he makes a fuss at that point it clearly is a bigger issue than DH says. If not and it doesn't bother him then short term you will get more support from him.  

With regards stress to lo I am afraid I have no experience to help there.  X x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Stuff not stiff


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Oh wow Mummy Noodles that's sooo tough. How unfair of the SWs not to support you better or be looking to decrease the frequency of contact or similar. How far away are you from being able to put in AO?

Is there any way you can put your foot down about you being present at the visits (if that's what you wish?). That must be sooo confusing for LO. In the meantime I would focus on reassurance, telling LO what happens and what you can look forward to at him after contact ie going home and tell teddy or similar. Any brief life story work or a brief family album could help. What about a picture if you/you together on a key ring that he can take into contact so that he knows your always with him (think separation anxiety techniques).

If not I think Diva has hit the nail on the head re getting DH to tackle one such visit and then see how much more supportive he could be. LO lashing out etc is all understandable but it can be harder for DH and family to see the direct cause n effect but you are with him 24/7 and DO know him best. We've had tough days (=months) and fortunately DH gets it but in the early weeks he did try & say its not all related but a few more weeks and he started seeing what I could see.

I just wanted to send done cyber hugs and say us folk do get it and are here got you. Hopefully so end may have more direct experience re contact and other ideas.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Can I suggest that you have a look at some FC message boards or the FC boards at adoption.com? It's a US site but most of the adopters did adopt from FC so they've all had the issues with contact with BF, how to deal with it with their children etc.

I'm not sure what you are doing already around the visits for your child but I would suggest talking to him before visits, he needs to know what's happening, how long it's going to take ("you'll go and say hello and then have your snack and I'm putting it in here with your teddy in case you need teddy and then you'll play for a bit and then you'll come home with me"), and that you will always, always come for him and he will be with you forever. And a chilled day afterwards with no expectations but a lot of reassurance? I'm sure you're doing that anyway.


I know that it must be hard for you seeing bmum but it must be hard for her too.  Remember you are the person who gets to spend the rest of your life with him and you are in a position of power. We see our son's bmum but in a way we just feel slightly sorry for her, so I hope you can come round to that position in the end.


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Thanks Girls! Very helpful and supportive! 


I think getting DH to do contact next time. I spoke again to him last night and he has now conceded that I know LO best and yes (hallelujah!  ) I am right in the change of behaviour. I also spoke to my father in law about how I was feeling and he gave me a huge hug!  


I will check FC website as I think this could definitely work. The key ring idea is also Fab. Going to do this and put it on his nappy bag and explain it to him. This will help him with feeling secure. I also think I will talk to him more about what is happening...


Our order to adopt will be submitted at the end of the month. Fingers crossed. 


On the UP. Our LO was at a birthday party yesterday and (although more subdued than normal) he had a Ball! It really made me smile seeing him have fun. I adore him beyond belief!!


Thanks to you all out there. This site is Fabulous     


Noodles XX


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So glad DH is being sensible.  I honestly think men believe if you pretend something isn't happening then it actually isn't.  Glad you had a great day yesterday x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

That sounds very positive Noodles. Glad yesterday went well x


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