# Thought I was settled, and now very confused.



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Firstly, I'd like to say, I hope you dont mind me posting this here, but I really didnt know which thread was appropriate.
I have been around for a very long time (sigh!), but as some of you might know, I am one of the very lucky people who've moved on from infertility and now a very proud adoptive mum.

As the title says, I've for a long time thought that everything was straight in my head, and I had accepted that we can't have a biological family together.
And then today, out of the blue, a simple letter from the IVF unit came floating through our letterbox, and it's blown everything up in my head.

It simply states that if we still require dh's sperm to be stored, then we must now pay a yearly rate for the pleasure. Otherwise a no-nonsense form for dh to sign for his sperm to be destroyed. 

My reaction was "but they can't" - and everyone around me says "but there's point keeping it" - my mind can see the logic, but my heart's telling me otherwise. It's not a sudden yearning for me to have a baby or anything, to me, it's that in theory, I could maybe still have the chance to conceive for another 10 years, although my eggs are the naffest around, who knows?
But for dh, these sperm, this tiny amount in the freezer, is the one and only chance for him.

He is cool about it and says that we've never planned on going through treatment again, and he is completely right. And to be honest although I wouldn't change anything  we went through previously, I wouldn't want to go there again. 
I somehow feel that if my eggs were all gone then we'd be equal again, and there'd be no problem.

It comes back to the fact that dh's tiny amount of sperm did create  2 miracle embryos for us back in 2003, and although we were told back then that any more probably wouldn't survive the thawing process, and my eggs would never allow me to concieve anyway, there is something inside me clinging to them.

I'd rather not know about the destroying of it, I could easily have gone on until old age not even thinking about it.  So, what's happening to me??


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi everhopeful (your username sums up your feelings on this really well!),



Big hugs first of all because I know how horrible it is when something comes out of nowhere and kicks you in the gut. And I do think this is a good place for you to post, because it is about moving on and accepting. Suffice to say, most of us on this board have struggled with letting go of that one last ray of hope, and even though I was sterilised several years ago and am on the edge of the menopause, I still think (very occasionally, admittedly) that you do hear of miracles .....

I can't comment on your exact issue because I have never been in your position, but I do know from experience what it feels like when you think you have moved on but suddenly feel right back at the beginning. It is doubly frustrating because not only does it hurt, but you also beat yourself up simply because you thought you had dealt with it. I can't offer any advice on what to do, but don't be hard on yourself - it is not surprising you feel like this. Yes you have a child, but adopting is not the same as giving birth. That doesn't make it any less wonderful or rewarding for all involved - but it is different. This is a huge thing for you to have to deal with, so it is no wonder you are feeling confused. Grieving for loss doesn't follow a fixed timescale (if only!).

I have no words of wisdom for dealing with this, but I am sure the others here will.

Lots of love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh hon

I think that the desire to procreate in all of us is so strong that its not surprising you are having these thoughts. After all, it's nature isn't it to think these thoughts? Even when we know the likelyhood of events turning out the way we want are practically zilch - I know I can't have kids but it doesn't stop me feeling broody sometimes   

Of course its easy for those around you (not including DH in this statement) to tell you to get rid of his sperm. They haven't invested the hope you both had in it - they haven't been through the various processes or the rollercoaster, they see that you are an adoptive parent and think that should be 'enough' for you - which in some ways negates all you have been through in the past!

I think that what is happening to you is a perfectly understandable reaction from someone who has been through what you have been through - I've said many times on here that adoption isn't a 'cure' for infertility, it doesn't stop any of us from having wished our treatments etc had worked.

Be gentle with yourself hon, its awful when these things leap up and bite us firmly on the bum... we're here for you if you need a shoulder.

Love to you
Emcee xxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thank you so much both of you, for your messages of support. It means alot.

I so know what you mean about outsiders not understanding. Don't get me wrong, we've had tremendous support from all our family, friends, colleagues, everyone we know. Completely behind us on the IVF route and 100% behind us on the adoption. And yes, it's transformed our lives for the better, and we wouldn't change anything for the world. But they just don't understand do they? Unless you've personally gone through infertility, I don't think you can.

The only thing I can make parallels with is grief. It's like when someone thinks "But her Grandma's been dead 20 years, what's up with her?", when to us,  the person who's gone through it, we feel "yes, I lost her 20 years ago and I've got used to the idea, but it's still painful and I still wish she was here".
Unless you've gone through an experience, you can't possibly know. But I'm afraid to say that most people have experienced loss of a loved one, compared to those who suffer in the shock and pain of infertility.

Probably we all know a lot of people who've gone through similar, but because no-one speaks about it, it's never known.

I will speak with the IVF unit tomorrow, or whichever day I feel brave enough to! And go from there. I know in my head it shouldn't be a big deal, it is just down to letting go.

Thanks again

Ever x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ahh yes... I think what you have said there will resonate with many here... 

To lose a dearly beloved person is heartbreaking, but to lose your hopes and dreams of creating a family is equally as distressing... there is no tangible loss for those of us that have had treatment failure, or baby loss or whom have never conceived...

Hope all goes well with you whenever you pluck up the courage to speak to your clinic, know that we are here for you to lean on.

Sending you my love & strength
Emcee xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Everhopeful

MASSIVE HUGS I have been in exactly your shoes..in fact I could have written your post myself a couple of months ago, 1 year after ending tx.

My DH only once produced a TINY amount of very poor quality sperm after SSR. We used it and got 2 embryos..which resulted in BFN. It was the only embryos we ever had. The only other sperm that was obtained from him resulted in no fertilization. So I can relate to your feelings of attachment about the precious sperm you have stored!

The sperm we have left is in single figures, about 6 very poor quality sperm that is  unliekly to survive being thawed. My eggs are poor and so we know that even if we had the will power and emotional and physical strength to do another cycle (which we don't) then it is very unlikely to work (in fact we were told we need both donor eggs and donor sperm).

However, in march we had the very same letter drop through the door. I opened it when DH wasnot here and DH couldn't even bear to read it. Like you we know we will never use this sperm, but for DH in particular the thought of destroying it was too hard to bear, it seemed like such a symbolic act of loss of hope. He felt that it was the only sperm he had ever produced so to deliberatly choose to destroy it seemed so impossible. I think you're right its all about whether you are ready to accept.

In our case, we decided to pay for a years more storage, simply because we felt we weren't ready to cope with the decision and the after-effects of having them destroyed. We know we won't use them, and we know we will destroy them, but we have decided we are not strong enough yet and so we are paying for a years 'respite' from having to worry about it. I appreciate that not everyone can afford to do this.

Am really waffling here I think!! But wanted you to know that I know exactly where you're coming from, albeit i realise you are further down the line, and have the adoption as part of your experience too.

Hope you feel on an even keel again soon.
Ermey
x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Ermey

Thanks for sharing your story with me. At last I don't feel like the village idiot!!
Now I know I'm not alone in these feelings and I really appreciate it. Thank you.

I haven't rang our clinic for a price yet. It's not the price that particularly scares me, it's the thought of getting in touch with "the gods" again!!!!

The staff at the clinic were my absolute angels through our year of cycles, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to go there again, just yet. I know it's only a phonecall, maybe I'm wishing it'll go away if I ignore it!!!

We'll see. They've had the sperm stored for us since 2002, I can't imagine that another few days will make much difference.

I'll be in touch,
Thanks again

Ever x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Ever and Ermey,

Thanks for your posts. Thanks may seem an odd response, but I think it is incredibly helpful to see that apparently "irrational" feelings are actually normal! I am so glad that Ermey's reply helped Ever not to feel alone. I hope you are now feeling strong enough to deal with the clinic.

Reading between the lines of what you say about the letter and form, it sounds like another case of clinics being "clinical" and not acknowledging that this latest contact may be unsettling. Perhaps they could have been a little more considerate in how it was expressed? Also quoting a figure would be helpful as that would at least save a potentially distressing phonecall and ex-patients could make a decision and do the appropriate paperwork without having to ring first. 

Ever has really expressed what this experience is about when she mentions grief. We can eventually learn to move on from the most immediate feelings and to make new life decisions, but we also need to learn how to cope with the reminders that continue to come over the years. These later feelings are the ones we IF patients are often left unsupported with as the rest of the world expects us not only to have moved on but seems to expect us to have forgotten.

IF patients do not totally stop feeling grief for their lost children, whether these children were miscarried, stillborn, embryos or hopes..... Even for those who go on to have a biological or adopted child, those feeelings remain. No more should they be expected to forget lost children than a widow who remarries should expect to forget her first husband, or a daughter/son like Emcee to forget her dear parents......

Lots of love to all, and wishing you joy with your adopted family, Ever.

Jq xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

We had a similar type letter (different situation but same hopes and dreams) in the post recently and dh was so worried about my reaction to it that he hid it from me. 

Just seeing the damned brown envelope with a return address stamped on the back that not only advertises but SCREAMS infertile couple was enough to put me into a flat spin and invoke my demons so I can entirely relate to what you ladies are saying. No matter how reconciled you are to your situation, this is a trigger.

We spent the money to avoid making a decision last year and this year we actively didn't spend the money. I'm not even sure we've dealt with the letter yet but we've made a emotional commitment not to "renew".

JQ, you're absolutely right, the letter is soooo clinical and to the point that the clinics have obviously not given a scrap of thought to how the recipients might feel when the letter drops on the door mat.  Not a scrap.  

I wouldn't be surprised if the inevitable reminder letter is in red ink, and the final "we're gonna cut you off" letter in bold black ink, just like a utilities company.

flipper


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