# Meeting up with FCs



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi

Just want to gauge how normal a practice this is....We have been asked to meet with the FCs now the LOs are with us. They want us to all meet up and said this should happen within 1st month of placement. We said no as we did not think little ones were ready. They are now pushing quite hard for this to happen 'within the second month' (we are 6 weeks since they were placed with us). LOs are 26 months and 14 months. 

We find this quite worrying. We understand that this may help children to have 'closure' if you like but we also think its quite risky thing to do so early on in placement. Also, we had some real issues with  the FC care and in particular the Intro process, to the extent we have made a complaint. We have also not had life story books yet so I have not been able to really do much with them and would not be able to prepare them adequately. Given all this, we are really NOT keen to meet up with them so early on and we fear that it could send both children backwards.....given that we had issues like them referring to themselves as M & D right up to last day. picking up, sabotage and other things which hampered the intro process as they did not manage their own emotions, we are very worried. Our SW is backing us but also I think not getting it.....I have spoken to friend who also adopted and she said she had not been asked to meet with her FCs and that if she wanted to, it would be on her terms and maybe at about 6 months or even 9 months mark. Not in the first or second month as it could be very confusing for children.

Is this usual practice ? We understand it is their 'policy' but its more like they are sticking to it without any leeway for the sake of the children or us.....Im interested to know what other's experiences are and if you have been asked to do this so early on as well.

Thank you,

xxx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

We were asked to meet fc's but we didn't do it until a few months in, ds was approaching 2 by then.

We also met in a park so quite neutral.  I certainly wouldn't be pressured in to meeting with them, it sounds like it would be a troubled meeting anyway if the fc's can't control their emotions so how is that in the childrens best interest?

Best of luck hun, go with your gut it is usually right


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi Iman
oh it makes me cross to hear of FC being so disruptive, as if intros and placement werent difficult enough 

we were advised to and did meet up with FC about 4 weeks in, both times BUT we did have, and still have, a very good relationship with them. we were told it wasnt so much for closure but to enforce in the child a sense that people do not just 'disppear' from their life. it made sense to me. the children had transferred well to us and were well settled so we did it. neither seemed especially unsettled after..littlie was older (19 months when placed) and she definitely remembered FM and had a lovely play with her and waved her off happliy at the end. she had a slightly unsettle night after but was coming down with an ear infection so could esily have been that.. babybro (9 months when placed) didnt react much at all..i seem to remember he stared at FM a lot as if she seemd familiar..

hmm, in your case I'd firstly ask that IF you do it, it be done on neutral ground, where there are distractions (ducks/swings) so its not too intense.. definitely NOT their house.. local park or somewhere, that way you dont have to have them in your house, as you understandably have some less than favourable feelings towards them  secondly i dont know if you are in contact with FC at all but i would make sure some ground rules are set out ESPECIALLY on how they refer to themselves..no more mummy and daddy  no picking up and cuddling, you can say nobody, not even close family are allowed to at this stage.. (i've seen your other post  ) Also set a time limit, say an hour..that will be plenty. If they cant agree to this then i would hesitate to meet up just now. if they think they can act appropriately then i would go for it..and make sure that immediately before and immediately afterwards..even for a day or more.. you have close family/home time with the children so that they can be reassured you are there for keeps.

re the life story books..you prob wont get them for a bit yet  at this point if you did want to prepare them a bit then you could make a very simple one of your own which we did ..and i mean simple..little slot in photo album will do.. (optional pic of BM/BF depending on whether they actually lived with them (ours never did so i didnt put thm in at this stage)) 
i would put pic of child, pic of FC and their house, pic of you ,pic of your house, pic of their room in your house, few pics of them and you. just like a toddler point and say book..you can just say whats in each pic and embellish a bit ( 'thats X and X's house where you used to live', 'heres mummy and daddys house where you live now and here's your bedroom with all your toys' blah blah') as you flick through.

i think sticking up for your childrens wellbeing will be seen as a positive so dont feel like you will have a black mark against your name if you dont meet up just now..although i guess it might come up at your next review.wynn is right, go with your gut feeling on what is right for the children, and explain very clearly to sw's why its not right for *them* (not you  )..the fact that you have already complained about the FC's should be enough for the SW's to know that you are taking it all very seriously. as long as you can explain it all then i dont see how anyone is going to force you..
good luck..hope that helps

kj x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

We were not asked to meet up, in DD's case it would not have been possible as they lived four hours away.  The FC's did ask us to do letter contact which we did but we have not had a response for the last couple of years from either FC's. 

I agree with Keemjay, you need to do what you feel is best for your little ones, the fact that your SW agrees with you regarding the meet should make it easier.  If you do meet them it should be later and on neutral territory.  On the other point we didn't get DD's life story book till a year after placement.  Unfortunately somethimes it's one of those things that slips down the list on SW's paperwork to be completed.

As Wynnster says go with you are Mum and you know what is right for your kids. x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Iman


We have not been asked to do this at all, FC's asked if it is ok to keep in touch via email and we have sent them a couple but that's about it. I find it very strange given that they are so little, surely it would confuse them??


Go with your gut, ask why they consider it important!


p x


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## sallydon (Sep 26, 2011)

The important question to pose is, 'is it in the best interests of the children'.  If it isn't, stand strong.  We had contact with FCs early on which we stopped as our eldest child was confused and his behaviour suffered.  He went through a period of grief which we supported him through.  He is now 11 and sees the FCs occasionally when he choses to. 
Good luck!


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