# Women "recklessly delaying" pregnancy?...Yeah right!



## keenbean (May 11, 2012)

A bit of a rant...

Again in the news this morning we hear about women  "delaying" having family until their 30s. This morning the reason was the recession. Usually it's us prioritising our careers.

I wonder how many women on this site would admit to recklessy delaying pregnancy due to greed or some selfish desire to "have it all". I certainly wouldn't.

I was taught at school: Keep your knickers on. The minute you have unprotected sex you'll get pregnant. And this I firmly believed until I was 29 and started TTC. Imagine my surprise when I wasn't instantly pregnant!!
I worked hard at school to get good grades, I studied hard at a top mucic conservatoire to try to be the best I could be, I got a good job which I enjoy (so sue me!) and I have saved money from the outset in order that I could take time out to have a family. I married a good man, we have a roof over our heads and now we long to have children. Is that irresponsible? According to some journalists I should have got sprogged up ten years ago to my cheating bampot boyfriend who wouldn't have supported me just in case my fertility became compromised later in life!

Society gives women so many mixed messages. My heart breaks on a monthly basis when my AF arrives and articles like this just serve to make me feel worse. I feel I have lived my life making the best possible decisions. I just don't have my baby yet.

Just needed to vent to people who I hope can understand. Does anyone else feel this way?

Much love and babydust to all.

Keenbean x


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

Its so hard isnt it.  We can be responsible... wait until we have a partner and can afford to support our kids, in hich case we are labelled as selfish career women recklessly delaying childbearing, or we can get knockd up (if only) at 16 with no qualification, no partner and no job and get labelled as benefits scroungers who are only having kids to get money from them. 
People will moan and complain and label us whatever choices we make.  they will tell us fertility treatment is unnatural, but they are fine about cancer treatment and will happily pop a headache pill or have surgery to remove their wholly natural wrinkles... and they'll tell us we should just adopt - like its that easy, and if adoption were the answer, why didnt they choose to adopt... oh no, thats right, they preferred to have their own kids, but dont offer us the same right. (I'm not knocking adoption here, just the people who think its an easy option)
As for me, I met my husband at 27, got married at 28 and by 30 realised we had a problem as it just wasnt happening.  Turned out DH had azoospermia, so  we got put on a waiting list for treatment... long story short, I was 35 by the time they finally got round to helping me.  I didnt waste those 5 years, they threw them away on my behalf and when it failed they wrote me off completely and said go away.  I'm 40 in a few days and still trying.  I didnt leave it to 40 by choice.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

keenbean - agree totally - situation is crazy and puts women in an impossible situation. i spent ten years telling my 'overgrown teenager' boyfriend that it was urgent he stopped playing computer games and drinking and started behaving like an adult, to no avail, now i am nearly 42...and terrified.. if i had my time over i would have got pregnant at 18, even though i would have had no money, or qualifications, or anything, at least i would have had grandchildren. My chances of those now are remote. if i had a daughter now i would be telling her that the only thing that matters is to find someone to get you pregnant as soon as possible! everything else seems to be unimportant.


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Ladies, I fully understand your frustrations   But it is worth remembering that some of the mainstream media remains very conservative in this country and it can be hard to find balanced articles that don't have an underlying agenda concerning women (and many other issues...). The best thing to do is to avoid it - don't take any of it on board. There is a reason why some editors rarely publish realistic articles that look at what really affects women rather than the spin which essentially has an underlying text of "keep women out of the workplace for as long as possible" ... trust me, I've worked freelance for many years... some newspapers and magazines are generally not interested in hearing women tell it like it is (that said there are some... the Guardian often represents women fairly). If it's in a tabloid, forget it. There will almost certainly be an agenda writ large and it nearly always causes some upset. That's how readers are manipulated (and that's what some corners of the media are all about...).  

We only need to concern ourselves with our life paths and the decisions we have made (believe me, I struggle with this a lot!) in the circumstances we must deal with. If some tabloid or crappy tv programme tells me I'm wrong or selfish to want to raise a family that's all the info I need to set it to one side and move on. When an article is upsetting, ask 2 questions: why would a writer write it? Why would an editor publish it? 

This is why blogs, ******* and forums are generally better places to get nuanced information and news. Mainstream media is going to have to catch up fast!



I wish you all, all the luck in the world!

Txx


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

So frustrating isn't it ladies!!!!!  of course you are right tommi but do they write the for sake of it or do they really believe  it?!?!

I split up with long term BF at 24 and then spent best part of 10 lonely years single bar a few dalliances here and there, until I met my DH... I guess i should have had a one night stand, got preggars and scrounged off the government for the last 16 years... Instead I waited and waited til I met mr right, I worked hard, paid my taxes, took nothing from the system, some were down the line blocked a tube and now can't seem to have a baby ....silly me ...  

Grrrrrrrrrrr.


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

This is something that REALLY makes me angry  

I wanted children when I was 22.  If I had become pregnant then I would have been on my own (cue cartoon man disappearing leaving a scorch mark behind).  Yet when I meet a man (at 34) and decide to start a family I am 'reckless'.  IF I hadn't had to wait 2 s*dding years before I could get any investigations, to then join a waiting list only to be finally told I HAD been right to be worried at 25 and GPs had been fobbing me off for years, then maybe 34 wouldn't have been too late.  Unluckily for me it was...

Selfish women wanting it all, feckless young mums, greedy 20-somethings wanting to go back to work and expecting affordable childcare...we just can't win whichever way we turn


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Maisiemoo - they do it for 2 reasons... to attract a particular type of audience and to promote a particular sort of agenda. Whenever I have been asked to write a piece that pushes a certain view rather than the truth or the reality of someone's experience I always say no. But for many writers it's about what's going to pay the bills. They often don't believe it but they do what will bring in the money. You only have to look at a certain popular tabloid to see evidence of that every day!

Txx


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

So annoying tommi, but good to hear you buck the trend... X


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

I try! I'll never be rich with that strategy though. But at least I know I'm not ashamed of anything published in my name!  
Txx


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

Tommi, you are so right - and its nice to see a writer with some self respect! 

People are going to moan whatever we do, if we do we are damned, if we dont we are equally damned... all we can do is get on with it and ignore the selfish, self righteous people who are pointing the finger... and while moaning at us, at least they are leaving someone else alone...  These people dont matter. Our families and friends matter (and to a degree, the government if only because they make the rules we have to live by), not the opinions of the general masses who are being encouraged to moan at us to take their minds off the things the government and the writers think really matter and dont want us to think about.


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## Hannah10 (Aug 18, 2011)

Ladies

I totally agree with EVERYTHING on this thread  

I was also 'scared' of getting pg and totally believed that if I had unprotected sex I would get pg.  I was never on the pill and finally meet a wonderful man who is now my husband.  We planned to wait for 1 year and then (when I was 27) started ttc.  Now (5 years later) we still have no children.  Some of these writers have no idea what they are talking about!!

But... they are not important and if anyone wants to believe that rubbish then that has nothing to do with me  

Rant over from me!!!


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## JJHope (Jun 10, 2012)

The problem is that it isn't just the media that thinks this way.  To my family (excluding M & D & sisters) I'm a focused career woman putting babies to the bottom of my to-do list.  Those who know me know this isn't true.  I've wanted a child from my teenager years but held on to the tradition idea of man, marriage, baby carriage. As it happens I may have waited too long.  But I'm going to give it a bloody good go on my own!

If I'm successful (and maybe if I'm not) I'll get myself on the BBC's researchers contact list and turn up to be the counter point of view on the Breakfast sofa.


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## Hannah10 (Aug 18, 2011)

JJhope - my family and friends think that I am still 'young' and just far too busy with my career.  I find it so hard because I dont really want to tell them that we are having trouble but at the same time its hard to smile and say 'oh I am far too busy....'  I'll go on the show with you also if I get a BFP some day!!!  Best of luck x


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Just wanted to say good luck to everyone!  
 
Txx


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## keenbean (May 11, 2012)

Thanks so much for all your interest and support on this one ladies. I suspected I wasn't alone!

Keenbean


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi,

This is something that always winds me up too . I think you said it perfectly *Keenbean* .

And good on you *Tommi* for being a writer with a conscience .

Lots of luck to everyone ,

xxx

P.S.: Hi *maisie* !


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Women are damned if they do and damned if they don't - its a no win situation...and we're a soft, easy and very vulnerable target. 

I got married at 24 and knew I was with the right man and wanted a family with him so we started baby making on honeymoon - 3 years later, we went to our gp's concerned that nothing was happening and were fobbed off that we were both young, fit and healthy and that it took some couples longer than others to get pregnant - ah yes here you are - an expensive prescription for folic acid!!

What we didn't know was that we BOTH had issues - my hubby was diagnosed NOA, and I had a huge fibroid, if only we weren't shoo'd out of the door all those years earlier we wouldnt have had our hopes raised when I finally did get pregnant after 8 years... only to go through the heartbreak of miscarriage.

I eventually made it to my first icsi at the ripe old age of 39 - yes sometimes I do get angry, but this way I appreciate every second with my miracle....and yes, after both of us holding down jobs full time since leaving school, my hubby lost his job (no redundancy) so all our savings went on keeping our heads above water - I jokingly said at the time, sods law we get to the top of the waiting list and I get pregnant - hey ho !

Best wishes
Sheila


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

I started trying just before I turned 26 years old.  I wonder if they would say 25 years old is leaving it too late?  It took almost three years to get a diagnosis and get to the top of the waiting list for (privately self fund treatment) and that was despite telling my GP that I had been trying for 6 months longer than I really had.  I am sure that now I am over 35 I will form part of their statistics for "trying too late" but I did not start trying yesterday.  I have been trying for 10 years but I have not given up yet.  Reports like this point blame at the patients/sufferers for their own infertility.  As if we don't have enough to cope with without being made to feel guilty.  These sort of stories fuel the idea that patients should pay for all their own treatment so collectively they are really detrimental to us (although you will find plenty of people receiving NHS treatment for conditions that have really been caused by their own actions such as sporting accidents / driving recklessly / incidents relating to alcohol etc).  Infertility strikes people at all different ages.  I wonder if these reporters are instructing their 14 year old children to get pregnant, after all that is the time that we are all probably most physically suited to getting pregnant,  before there is time for things go start going wrong etc.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

good on you tommi for not just writing for the money, but by writing with your principles
these kind of articles make me so mad! are we women just supposed to sit around being unproductive members of society until mr right comes along? are we to be denied a family because it hasn't happened in the traditional way.
i did it all correctly - went to uni, got a good career and didn't sleep around! just because i'm not with my mr perfect, should i settle for someone who doesn't make me happy so i can fit the traditional mould.
i want a baby before it's too late and if i have to do it on my own, so be it.
i've given to society - as have we all by paying our taxes and working - why shouldn't we have it too?
Deb


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