# Words in my head



## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

in the night i am alone
nothing but my thoughts
consuming fears
never ending tears
that lump in my throat
will it ever go away
where did you go
you were here, i know you were here
i felt you
i still feel you
im so tired
sleep never comes


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

im ok
im fine
its great 
repeat as needed
everyday
everyone


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

lost
cant find our way
alone
no one to give us directions
scared 
whats to become of us
Numb
no longer feel in this world
incomplete
will we be this way forever


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

im tired...

tired of the sadness

tired of the constant pain

tired of finding strength

tired of 'being ok'

tired of the fear

tired of getting on with life

tired of faking smiles

tired of the dull ache in my chest

tired of the sickness in the pit of my stomach

tired of feeling incompetent

tired of reminding myself of the blessing i do have

tired of the deep breath i take when i hear one of those 'questions'

tired of never knowing

tired of hoping

im just so tired...


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

I wish I could fly
Fly far away from here
Fly to a place 
Where everything is clear


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Agree with every single one of those comments, thanks xxx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i cant meet you but i know you
i cant see you but i feel you
i cant hold you but i hug you
i cant hear you but i talk to you
i cant give up, i love you too much


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

starting again
getting ready to start all over again
more tests
more set backs
more heartache
more tears
how to keep going
how to keep coping
head full of doubt
heart full of fear

what keeps me going
what keeps me coping
the dream that is you
the dream that one day you'll come true


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Carls305 said:


> Agree with every single one of those comments, thanks xxx


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## cheeps (May 2, 2014)

Every word written is so true. 

Book marking this to know I am not alone. Thanks Haydan.


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## danceintherain (Apr 16, 2013)

Your words helped me today, thank you


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

danceintherain, cheeps100 & Carls305

_"in your darkest night 
in your deepest pain
in your weakest hour
you are lovely"_


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

to all xx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

everyday i have to tell myself to get up
everyday i have to tell myself to leave the house
everyday i have to tell myself go to work
everyday i have to tell myself see my family and friends
everyday i have to tell myself to smile
everyday i have to tell myself to keep going
everyday i have to tell myself to keep living


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

the guilt... 

i have a happy day - i feel guilty
i treat myself - i feel guilty
i have a day out - i feel guilty
i think about having a holiday - i feel guilty
i laugh at a joke - i feel guilty

everyone sees me as a victim, as a mess
i feel like i should be crying all day everyday to keep other people happy 

but then...

i have a bad day - i feel guilty
i say no to nice things - i feel guilty
i stay at home - i feel guilty
i refuse to think about a holiday - i feel guilty
i lose my sense of humour - i feel guilty

the weight of everyone elses feelings pushing me down
the guilt of not behaving, reacting, acting they way they want me to

the guilt...


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Thank you Haydan... 
Actually made me cry..


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)




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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Time heals a broken heart...

What about a shattered heart.

A million tiny pieces 
Desperately clinging on
Each breath drawn brings excruciating pain
Can a shattered heart really ever be healed


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

*Week 1;* let's do it again - think positive - carry on going, carry on living 

*Week 2;* whens ovulation due again? hmm should we bother trying? yes we need to keep trying - this could be the month, the miracle month! you never know 

*Week 3;* ah my favourite - 'self inflicted torture time' - my body feels different, i haven't craved that food before, i'm so tired ridiculously tired - my body feels different maybe i'm pregnant?! dont be silly you're not that lucky! don't get your hopes up! but what if i am? oh id love to be able to give my family and friends the good news...hmmm lets think about that for a bit - oh im crying tears of joy! stupid idiot you're not pregnant you're just setting yourself up! stop thinking about it! right lets sort out my af due date and then ill know if i can take a test...    

*Week 4;*                

Repeat and repeat and repeat...


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Thanks Hayden,

All those words are so true and make me feel less alone when I'm having a difficult day in the world of infertility Xx


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