# Did your DH support you in being healthy before EC?



## paddingtonbear100 (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi everyone, I just wondered how your DH's have been throughout treatment - I have had two fresh cycles and both times my DH 'cut down' on smoking but did not give up completely and even carried on smoking some weed ie. a joint every other day, but within the 3 months before he also took cocaine.  I just feel so let down by him, and after the first fresh cycle we did a frozen which ended in miscarriage and I just keep thinking about the unhealthy sperm.  Since then we have done a second fresh cycle and two further frozen cycles which have not worked.  He is still smoking weed every day now even though I have pleaded with him to give it up.  Although he does not have to donate his sperm anymore, I just feel like it would mean the biggest form of support to me if could just try and be healthier and also of course I don't want him to smoke when we do have a baby - he promises he will stop when i become pregnant.  i don't know if I am being too judgmental or harsh? Did other people's partners stop smoking, drinking, taking drugs for three months before the ET day?
I am feeling quite alone in the process.
Sorry for the whinge and thanks for listening and baby dust to everyone


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## Londonkitty (Feb 26, 2014)

Hello

First off you are definitely not being too harsh or judgemental-I'll be completely honest and say I was much more judgemental when I first read your post. What you will and won't put up with in terms of the drugs is a personal choice and I'm assuming hadn't suddenly started do you were ok with it in the past (sorry if that is incorrect). 

To answer your question, my DH did cut out drinking in the months running up to our first cycle and had cut down before then. This was in part in response to me asking him but also the doctor advised us to do this at one of our early appointments (I think from memory I'd asked the loaded question to set up the answer id been saying for a while!) which helped as it was medical advice not nagging woman. In terms of eating healthily though that was much tougher. I basically had to say "I need to eat this food as my way of coping with ivf so please don't say anything as I need your support with this". I think I sounded so stressed he went along with it (helps I do most of the cooking in the week and it wasn't a huge change from what we normally do). I wouldn't say he was completely with me on this whole issue but has learned to not say anything if I'm doing something out of the ordinary based on the latest thing I've read online-for example he's not drinking spirulina and hasn't said a word when he sees me have it despite it looking very very odd! 

Maybe you could try the same tack and see if he can be persuaded to do something to support you rather than have a change enforced on him (ultimately it is the same outcome but you get there by a different route). As for the smoking, I'm sure you being around him if he is smoking isn't healthy for you or your stress levels. If he has said he will stop smoking if you fall pregnant could you ask him to stop smoking from ET when you are officially PUPO? 

Good luck-it's not easy and can feel like you're the only one caring but he will care he just doesn't have access to the information we have on here

Xx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Hi,

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! This is something you are doing together, therefore so should the lifestyle changes. Do you mind me asking where the fertility issues lie for you guys? For us it's my husbands sperm count, he gave up drinking and caffeine and even bike riding which he loves, this is our first cycle, ET tomorrow, his count doubled, 100% fertilisation! blast transfer, so we both feel was a joint effort, as I kept a very strict diet of high protein! lots of milk etc, gave up alcohol and caffeine too. I too need that control! 

Don't apologise for whinging, we all do, we need to get things off our chest, and considering how many cycles you've been through you deserve the support from your partner. Have you tried explaining the difference his diet would make? I'm sure you have! Not sure else you could say, I truly feel for you. I know when we first started making changes it was hard for him, but I just explained it was a short period of time whilst cycling with so much to gain xx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Second-hand cigarette smoke is going to have a negative effect on your fertility -- at a minimum, he needs to not be smoking around you.

Quitting smoking is hard. If he's serious, he needs to just get on with it now, rather than waiting until he's dealing with the stress of a baby on the way.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

This may sound harsh, but don't believe the old story that they will stop once you are pregnant.

I personally wouldn't have anymore treatment until he stops completely for at least 6 months.  I have seen my lovely brother in law who smoked weed occasionally turn to other stronger/harder drugs and has destroyed his marriage completely.  My sister is now getting divorced.

Good luck
X


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hello

My DP cut it a bit too fine quitting smoking and he got a bad result, the next cycle 6 months later where he had been quit 7 months his sample was near enough perfect

I think you hould play on the fact if this cycle fails not only will you be potentially forking out 5k in treatment to go again but you are putting yourself through hell with injections, examinations and theatre, why would any man want to do that to his partner? 

L x


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm very sorry for your struggles  

Having had a long term relationship to a "casual/recreational" drug user I can say in my experience there isn't anything that will get them to stop, rather they just tend to increase until it's a daily occurrence.

Using cannabis and cocaine both negatively affect the sperm therefore affect your embies. There is scientific evidence that both drugs can cause long term health effects to the children born of fathers taking such drugs, as well as increased risk of foetal abnormality.

I don't want to sound harsh, but his behaviour is incredibly selfish and the only person suffering here is you. Quitting any drug is hard, but can be done - if he had managed to quit one (or even made an attempt to) I would have been more sympathetic towards him, but it sounds like he has increased usage. Plus the mention of cocaine - don't take this the wrong way, but you know he has taken it, but how do you know he isn't taking it regularly?

I really hope I don't sound too harsh, but as i said i have been in a long term relationship with a man who started off as a casual/recreational drug user and it just got worse over 4 years when he broke my arm and I finally had enough.

My husband stopped smoking and ate healthily in the months leading up to our fresh cycle. Don't get me wrong he is back on the drink and rubbish food now he has done "his part". However, he is mega supportive because he understands how hard it is to go through IVF and having done both I can honestly say that it's ten times worse than giving up smoking.

Xxx


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## Laura79 (Oct 27, 2013)

I can so relate to this paddingtonbear, my DH has never taken this seriously with regards to stopping doing these things as a level of support to me. It's very hard because the fertilty issue is me (both tubes removed) and I think deep down he resents everything we have had to go through, and are still going through in order to get our family. Our last cycle resulted in us splitting for a while after a 3rd bfn in a row as I felt he had been no support, drunk all the time (blamed Xmas but not an excuse really) and even caught him doing MDMA at a gig during our 2ww. 
Having said all of that he is a wonderful father to our son and both of them so desperately want another baby to complete our family, once I became pregnant with our son his behavior changed radically and he did everything he could to take care of me and bump including occasional drinking and no drugs. 
In truth I think he struggles as much as I do with treatment and this is his way of dealing with it. It's not right and it's definitely the way to deal with it. You are not being unreasonable at all. I hope all goes well for you hun xx


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## paddingtonbear100 (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi guys, thank you so much for your responses, it’s the first time I’ve posted anything and it really feels nice to have some support and hear different stories.  Without sounding like a wuss it actually made me cry, it feels amazing to speak to people going through the same thing.  
Londonkitty, yes he has always taken drugs recreationally, but cut down a huge amount in the last few years (just not completely which is what I am aiming for, maybe will get there eventually!)  It’s great your doctor advised you to, I have always felt like the doctors have never really pushed the fact that the man should be healthy too – even when I tried to bring it up I was too embarrassed to say he smoked weed, so just said about drinking and the doctor was like ‘everything in moderation’ but didn’t give any real guidelines – so annoying!  I love that you have been having spirulina – me too, and wheatgrass on alternating days – lots of green stuff it’s got to be good for you!  Thankyou for your advice it’s really helpful and definitely yes he will need to stop after ET – just had to look up PUPO, like it   xx
Teammonkey I have PCOS so do feel like it is more my responsibility, but when we first had tests done his count was low, so he cut down on smoking, hot baths and saunas for three months and it had gone into the normal range the next test.  That was about 4 years ago, the ones he has had since starting ivf have always been in the normal range, but his morphology was only 4%, right on the lowest it can be, but the doctors didn’t even mention it, but I am sure this is down to an unhealthy lifestyle.  He gets very defensive whenever I have tried to bring it up in the past, I think he feels like I am blaming him when I say it, but I am honestly not, I just want us to both give the best shot we can (I know we probably wouldn’t be going through this if it wasn’t for my dud hormones!) your husband sounds lovely and I am so happy to hear you had some good results.  I hope the ET went really well and sending positive thoughts to you xx
CrazyHorse he only smokes outside, which is something I suppose, but it stresses me out when he comes inside and brings the smoke smell in with him – he will then go and wash hands and mouth and change his tshirt when I ask him to.  Totally agree the sooner he gives up the better… here’s hoping xx
Staceysm I know it is so hard to know whether he will actually give up or not.  With our last fresh cycle I really tried to say I wouldn’t go through with it if he didn’t stop all bad things for the three months before, but it is so hard to do as the time comes around it is too difficult to just walk away when you think you might be pregnant in a few weeks, I do look back now and wish I had been stronger. Im so sorry to hear about your sister, I hope she is okay xx
Lilly83, wow that’s testament to what a difference it can make, so happy to hear his results improved so much. Yeah I think my dh forgets sometimes exactly what I (all us girls) have to go through. xx
Cloudy thank you for your advice. He has kind of given up smoking cigarettes, but not completely and is definitely still smoking at least one joint a day, so yes actually as I’m writing this I’m realising that he hasn’t really given up anything completely.  I am pretty sure that I know when he has had cocaine, but saying that he may well have it more that I realise. I just really hope he isn’t! that’s a really interesting point that going through ivf is worse than giving up smoking – I might actually try that one on him. Xx
Laura79 our DH’s sound quite similar.  So was yours smoking, taking any drugs before you did your fresh cycle?  Maybe my husband resents me deep down too as it because of me we have to go through this…… I’m glad to hear he changed when you were pregnant though and hope your BFP comes soon. Xx
Good luck to everyone with whatever stage you are at now. xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Glad you posted 

Honestly he was told we needed icsi as he had low everything and on the day and subsequent SA it was a great sample

I'm convinced it was as the nicotine had been out of his system longer 

L x


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## paddingtonbear100 (Aug 25, 2014)

Thanks Lilly83 - yeah I wrote a bit of an essay there!   
Yeah i do believe that too - the second time we did it his sample was better (in terms of count, not sure about the other parts) than the first and that must have been because he had cut down a bit more, so I am thinking just imagine what it could be if he stopped it all completely - I try to tell him I need as much help as I can!  Although now it won't really help with regards to his sample, it is more for my support and sanity.  I just can't seem to forgive him for not trying properly each fresh cycle.
Well he ended up going out again last night whilst I was babysitting at a friends - came home to empty house - supposed to be doing lots of things together today, but currently he is hungover in bed  
Oh well better go and shove a needle in my tummy...... !
xx


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## paddingtonbear100 (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi guys, also I've tried to add my treatment history into the signature on my profile but it doesn't seem to be showing- have I written in the right bit? X


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## Londonkitty (Feb 26, 2014)

Go to Profile in the tabs section at the top of the page and select Forum Profile. There's a box about half way down the page you out your details in and then go right to the bottom to click save xx


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## paddingtonbear100 (Aug 25, 2014)

Great, thank you londonkitty will have another look xx


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