# How do you cope?



## monkey35 (Feb 4, 2006)

Hi everyone  

I haven't posted for ages as have been trying to avoid all reminders of the situation we are in (so that has involved all infertility sites, all friends with children and any shops with childrens departments!!!) 

Anyway I have realised that I can't carry on like that as I will end up confined to my house!!! However with that I have realised just how miserable I am and just wondering if anyone has any coping mechanisms.

I'm finding in particually hard as of the 6 girls I work with - 2 are on mat leave and the other is 21 weeks pregnant and as happy as I am for, her listening about which pram she has ordered, the latest purchases and the nursery decor is becoming a bit much for me to cope with as I want to be in her position so much (she does know about our situation and as sympathetic as she is she is rightly excited). 

H and I have been trying for 4 years and have unexplained fertility- I am on my 7th round of clomid and have been told to carry on taking it until our next appointment in Feb.

Sorry for waffelling but even writing down how i feel has helped a bit.

Hope you are all having a great weekend.

Monkey xx


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## 0604 (Jun 10, 2005)

Hi Monkey
I ofton pop back onto this site, to catch up on how everyone is going.
Anyone your post struck a chord with me. I hated seeing pregnant parents ( i am a teacher) and hearing about new babies. Or see them in town or ladies with bumps. My best friend was pregnant and the hardest thing was goping through those months with her.
Looking back I now realsie i made myself worse and I remember some good advice. Throw yourself into babies and read up on them etc... can sometime help. Or think of all the things you can do without a baby (as yet).
eg go out spontaneously, have drinks, stay up late etc
Your time will come but try to live as well, as i lost a lot of my life whilst ttc.
Hope this helps and isnt at all meant to be patranising!!!

Sarah


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## monkey35 (Feb 4, 2006)

Dear Sarah

Thank you so much for your reply and of course you are absolutely right- we have to keep living (sounds overly dramatic but you know what i mean).

I think making a list of all the things we can do whilst we are waiting for our chance will make a big difference. 

Thanks again

Monkey

ps Alfie is gorgeous!


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## deb.h (Aug 7, 2006)

Hi Monkey

I also went through a stage of not going on any fertility sites and trying to forget about the situation I'm in.  But I do believe that it helps me hearing about other girls going through the same thing, that I,m not alone.  It's also really nice to hear of girls who have been trying for years then do fall pregnant.  

Two of my best friends are pregnant and I have another 3 that are trying.  I'm almost dreading the day when my best friend rings up to tell me she's pregnant.  I know it sounds dreadful it's just I know I'll feel so envious.  

Anyway my sisters words have helped me.  She said "Just remember you have your life and everyone else has there's.  Think of what I have got (a wonderful husband, home, family, job, friends) and that I have my life to lead".  

I am also a teacher and I work in quite a deprived area.  I see so many young teenage mums and parents who cannot look after their children, it just doesn't seem fair but you have to get through it.  

You're not alone.  But keep enjoying life. 

take care
love debs
x


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## Rosie P (Nov 10, 2005)

Hi Monkey. I understand exactly how you must be feeling.

After a year of trying and having a chemical pregnancy, I fell pregnant but unfortunately at the 1st scan there was no heartbeat and the babyhad died (which I now know was due to PCOS which hadn't been diagnosed at the time). Anyway, I had to tell my boss as I was too devastated to go back in to work, and I later found out that she was pregnant and her due date was exactly the same date as mine should have been. Anyway, every day was her stories about checking out nurseries for when she returned to work, things she'd bought, etc. It was so painful, especially knowing that she knew my situation, that I had to leave the room every time. I left that job, not just because of that but it was definitely a big factor, because I knew that I had fertility problems and that I'd have to deal with her stories every day in work on her return from maternity leave, knowing my baby would have been at the same stage. 

I'm afraid there is no easy answer especially having to deal with these people on a daily basis. The way I deal with friends and their babies now (2 others had them at the same mine would have been due) is by kind of going on to autopilot when I'm with them, like numbing myself to it, and then usually when I leave them and am on my way home I'm in floods of tears, but that's the only way I can kind of cope with it.

Saying all that, this site has been a godsend and I really don't know what I would have done without the support from the girls on this site. Just being able to talk to others who understand your thoughts and feelings exactly is something you don't get from friends and family, no matter how much they try to be understanding.


I also agree with what Sarah said. After the miscarriage DH and I were devastated and kind of lost our relationship. We've really focused on getting what we had back and remembering how strong our love is by going out for meal/ drinks/ cinema/ comedy club and enjoying eachothers company. We also went on a 3 week holiday (we couldn't really afford) to Bali and that was the thing that did us both the most good.

Hope you can get to a place where things get a little easier. Try not to forget about this site and all the wonderful girls on here that will help you get through. One of my friends on here who had been trying for 5 years and was just about to have IVF recently became pregnant naturally - if it can happen for her than it could happen fr you too. Try and stay  (I know it's easier said than done).

Good luck and take care.

Rosie. xxx


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## monkey35 (Feb 4, 2006)

Hello!

Thanks so much for your replies, it means so much to know that we are not alone.

H and I had a good chat last night for the first time in ages (I have avoided it as I don't want him to think that I'm not coping when he seems to be coping so well) He told me that i was being silly not wanting to talk and that whilst he doesn't necessarily feel the way I do he understands why i feel like this.

Anyway we are going to focus on us and take things a day at a time. He even suggested a one day box (my friend began collecting baby bits 3 years before she even started trying for a baby and called it her one day box! [needless to say she caught first month agghhh]) I said that I was sure it was bad luck but as he said ours can't get much worse!!! Not sure its that way to go but I loved that he was trying!!!

Thanks again and sending lots of 

Monkey xx


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## 0604 (Jun 10, 2005)

Hi Monkey
I started to save money each month and eventually i had about 1500 pounds. Which  made it easier to buy things.This was good as it wasnt material things and I felt quite proud having saved the money.
Love the idea of a one day box.
I also had a bag of rose quartz hanging over my bed - made it feel like i was foing something!!

Enjoy you and dh and keep talking. It is so important...
Sarah


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## Lolly2 (Oct 5, 2006)

Hi I am very new to this site, and am in a very similar position although I haven't been able 2 face telling anyone which i think is actually making things worse (i'm not sure tho). I have even been asked 2 a sweepstake 4 someone I work with to guess the sex of their baby when it's born. I feel like evryone I know who gets pregnant can't deserve it as mush as me and I want 2 scream whenver this girl who's pregnant in my office (who is not very nice anyway) starts putting on this little baby voice and talking to her belly and seems to be constantly rubbing it as if to remind me of how I haven't got one. I have been on chlomid since march after waiting for a year with no periods (after coming off pill) 2 convince doctors they were wrong. Sorry this probably hasn't helped u but the only way i seem 2 cope is by telling myself every month that this is goin 2 b the month (although that normally ends in getting my period and me bawling on my boyfirends shoulder) He is brilliant with me but doesn;t really like 2 talk about it and seems 2 carry on as normal. I am tempted 2 tell my parents as I feel I need their support but I don't want any pity as I am such a proud person and all this is making me feel such a failure. I am also considering going private as the gp's are so crap.


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## Rosie P (Nov 10, 2005)

Hi Lolly. I'm really sorry you're feeling so low about things. I do understand your feelings after having similar situations myself at work. I took the decision quite early on to be very open and honest with family and friends about our fertility problems. In turn this made it a bit easier in the workplace as I could grin and bear it in the day, and then talk about my feelings to my mum when I got home - like a bit of a release really. I still find though that nobody understands like the girls on here, and this site has been the only way I've stayed sane.

I also am a very proud person - or maybe I was a proud person and not as much now. I was always someone who friends came for for advice and support, but I would never go to them - I'd always handle any problems and worries on my own. This all changed last year though after I had a miscarriage and found it very, very difficult to move on. My boss (who knew about my miscarriage) was at the same stage as pregnancy and almost all day every day was baby talk, which nurseries she'd gone to look at (from 4 months pg!) and standing right in front of me and rubbing her bump. It was dreadful and I really couldn't cope. I'd go off to the loo and cry countless times every day and it seemed to get worse rather than better with time. I then made a decision that was very hard for me and that was to go and see a counsellor. I didn't see how it would help, but I was desperate and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. That for me was a turning point, she made me realise it was ok to ask for help, to admit I was only human and not superhuman like I had tried to be before and that helped me go through the grieving process I'd been stopping myself from going through.

I know this is a different situation, but as a result of the counselling I became stronger and realised that being strong isn't about pretending everything is ok even when it's not, it's about sometimes asking for help and holding your hands up to say you can't cope with everything on your own. Nobody can cope with everything on their own - everyone needs support in life. Also I find now that I will explain to friends how painful the miscarriage was and how it feels to have fertility problems, and since I've opened up, they have been far more understanding. My friends who have kids had no idea how my DH and I felt or what an emotional journey we've been on, and I find they are a little more sensitive to our feeling now (i.e. they don't make thoughtless comments that can be hurtful to us). It's not everyone's choice, but I feel very glad that I 'came out' about our infertility.

Last thing now, I promise. If you're not happy being under the GP you are entitled to ask them to refer you to a specialist - this goes for any medical problem, not just infertility ones. You shouldn't need to go private, but you may have to wait a few months depending on your area and what the waiting time is to see the specialist.

Good luck, and remember - all the girls on FF are here for you whenever you need them.

Rosie. xxx


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## Lolly2 (Oct 5, 2006)

Thanks for that, I think you are right and I am going to tell my folks as I cannot cope with this on my own anymore & i'm slowly driving my boyfriend nuts. Pregnancy talk at work is so hard, like u say. I am actually the only person in my office with no kids or without one on the way but I don't want them 2 know. I have been reading posts on here all day and evryone seems 2 really support each other which is great. I felt like a bit of a weirdo on a chat room at first but is has been nice 2 talk 2 people who actually understand. Also I am goin back 2 the Docs next week and i am gonna tell them I have had enough, they have not tested me for anything even 2 see if i am ovulating. Me and my boyfriend even went 2 the Cerne Abbas giant at the weekend and sat on top of his u know what. We looked like such idiots but I will try anything.


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## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

Hi Girls

I think my answer to this question is simple - I dont.  I really dont cope well at all.  This December see's us TTC exactly 8 years and Im dreading it.  Every month that goes by I cope exactly the same as the month before, and the month before that - I go to pieces.

Over the years Ive just learned to take it one day at a time.  If I get up and am having a down day then I just have a down day.  If I get up and am having a good day then everything is fine.  Ive tried all kinds of things over the years - counselling, reading, talking to friends/family, flicking through baby catalogues, reading baby name books, learning about IF, visiting this and similar websites.  Sometimes these things work, other times they dont.  I think you just learn to go with the flow.

No matter how long you've been TTC - a year or 10 years, that devastation on seeing yet another BFN each month feels exactly the same.  I think the best thing is to just allow yourself to feel bad if your having a bad day, dont beat yourself up over it.  As long as the bad days dont outweigh the good days then you will get by just fine.  once the bad days get more than the good days thats the time for professional help in the form of counselling.  I tried it but unfortunately for me it was held at the ante-natal clinic and I just couldnt bring myself to go back after the first session - seeing all those pregnant women in the waiting room waiting on their scans and theres me cant conceive at all.  It was too much.

The main thing is not to keep it bottled up.  Dont feel obliged to attend every single event where there will be a pregnant woman.  Its not a good idea to avoid it completely all the time but likewise, its not essential to always be there, or participate in baby talk etc just because its expected.  I think sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and expect things of ourselves emotionally that we would never expect of someone else in the same position.

Give yourself a break, cry if you need to when you are down, be positive and plan ahead when your up.  You will get through it, we all will.  Its probably the toughest thing all us girls on here will ever have to go through, Infertility, but we will get there in the end and we will be stronger for it, not to mention great mums when the time comes 

Sorry I couldnt give you anything more concrete.  If only there was some miracle cure for the way our IF makes us feel, but theres not.  Just dont isolate yourself, all us girls on the this clomid board know exactly what your going through and it helps to be around like minded people when we feel at our worst.

Take care and sending you lots of     

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat


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## Lolly2 (Oct 5, 2006)

yeah i think we will all be great mums as we all want it so much.and i am trying 2 stay positive as i read somewhere that that can help your chances. i also think that docs are so insensitive and why are all things to do with infertlity held at the same place where u are goin 2 run into heavily pregnant women?? anyway the other thing is how do i work out all the jargon on here. I get that ttc means trying to concieve & bfn does that mean negative pregancy test?? sorry i am a bit dumb is there a page where I can get 2 grips with all this stuff, also how do i have my details on here (age & history)  

i am goin 2 try and put one of these little faces on here to see if i can get it 2 work (sorry i am useless with emailing & stuff)


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## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

I dont know about on here but I found this link which gives most of the common ones http://www.carefertilityweb.co.uk/support/medglossary.shtml

BFP or BFN means Big Fat Positive/Negative
DH/DP means Darling/Dear Husband/Partner

If there are any not on the list then just ask, none of us mind, we were all new to this once upon a time 

Take care and remember we are always here if you need us. If you prefer you can PM (private message) me, or any of the other girls a question, we dont mind that at all.

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat


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## Lolly2 (Oct 5, 2006)

thanks i am goin 2 log off now or my eyes will b fried. i just want 2 say (and bear in mind i am still abit emotional) it feels so much better talking 2 people who are in the same boat as me and i wish all of u guys good luck and am sure it will eventually happen 4 all of us and u all so deserve it. i am goin 2 keep using this site as i think it is great (thank god for google)  

well at least i figured out how 2 use these symbols


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