# It's scary realising that you are not as "together" as you think you are...



## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

I just want to have a mini thoughts and feelings rant:

I have been dealing with infertility for the past 5 and a half years, and have obviously been through the range of emotions that I imagine everyone suffers with -  going from being extremely happy that my friends/family are having babies, to feeling crushingly depressed that I cant get pregnant myself.

Over the past few months however, I've noticed a completely new change in my attitude. I've genuinely been happy for others that are conceiving or receiving treatments, I've learnt to better deal with negative comments from people about infertility or people moaning about their pregnancy, and for the first time in almost 6 years I've felt positive that I will get my BFP soon. <---This last one in particular has never happened before.
I really thought that I was "handling" infertility well!

So, today I found out a colleague of mine was pregnant after a few months of trying. She is the same age as me and already has a daughter who is 6. In that split second of me finding out, I felt absolutely nothing but jealousy, anger, sadness and bitterness. As awful as it sounds, I didn't want to hear anything about her news and really couldn't care less.
I really couldn't understand why I was so angry as there are 3 other ladies at work that are pregnant, and I work closely with one of them so it is not as if I haven't been exposed to pregnancy in a while.

What I've realised  is no matter how "together" and "Ok" you feel, there really is no getting away from the crushing blow that infertility brings!! It scares me that although I think i'm ok, I can have days like this, that come completely out of the blue and knock me for 6. I don't even have my AF to blame this time  

Anyway I just felt like I had to get that off my chest and FF is really the place to do so (rather than taking it out on other).

Wishing everyone on FF the best baby luck!!


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi Hopeful87,

I totally agree with you, with some friends you can love hanging out with them and their children and others you just can't stand to be around! It's all the horrible process of TTC. My partner has seen sides of me he never was meant to see and I hate myself for it but it's so hard to control your feelings when it comes to this. 

Have a rant to your hubby/partner and try and relax. I keep a diary on my computer that I use to rant in when i'm angry or upset. It really helps me to keep my feelings a little bit more together and not take everything out on my DF!!! 

Hope you stay with your positive feeling  Always better to be positive than negative & good luck

Carls xxx


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## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

Hi Carls305,

It's so true what you said about being around certain people. I spent all day after work with my nephew, brother and sister in law and couldn't have been happier - a complete contrast of how I felt yesterday.

Oh no dont hate yourself for being down, it's such a hard process and Im sure your partner understands and loves you regardless.

Thank you for your advice, and wishing you all the best of the luck as well on your baby journey.
Please keep us updated with your progress  xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I feel the same way Hopeful, the harder our journey has been the worse I felt about other people.  I've really struggled with pregnancy jealousy, terribly, and I felt very shameful for it.  

I've felt in a different place recently though and I have been thinking that I'm coping so much better.  My good friend at work got pregnant just as we started our first ICSI cycle, she was really there for me.  I do struggle with her long emails about lovely baby wriggles and nesting but I am coping with it and I'm really pleased for her.

I'm good with my sister and niece too but I wonder what I will feel like when another couple announce their pregnancy.  Sometimes, I think that I'm making some sort of horrible judgement on their suitability to be a parent when I can't be.  The last few announcements have come with a 'whoops, this isn't the woman I want to have children with'.  I've found that really, really hard.  Sadly, that's what makes it a little hard about my lovely step children sometimes as that was how they were conceived.

I think that ultimately, perhaps we can feel better when everything else feels more positive.  There is no getting away from infertility but it does feel just a little bit easier when it feels like there is hope for us.

Sending you lots of


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## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

Hey Molly99,

Thank you for your message. It's nice to know that there are others out there that feel the same way, but I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. It's horrible feeling so down about infertility. Hopefully we get our lucky break soon as it's long overdue!

I hope everything is going well with your treatment?
xx


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