# Help is needed!!!!



## aemiliastar (May 4, 2007)

Hi there

I have posted messages on here before and have found the advice I have received absolutely invaluable.  I wonder if I could ask for some help and advice again. 

I have just been told by my consultant that there is no chance to conceive a child with my own eggs.  I have just had an OST test and every factor has come back with dreadful results.  He has mentioned trying naturally and hoping for a miracle but all other treatment is out of the question.  The only logical way forward is donor eggs.  I was expecting this information but when he gave the news I felt stunned and still cant quite come to terms with the depth of emotions. My partner is amazing and he is so supportive but I feel overwhelmed by how truly dreadful I feel.  I know its not the end of the world but it feels that way at the moment. I feel in the depths of dispair.

I dont really know where to start.. I was handed a tissue and a chin up speach and left the hosptial.  Where do you turn to find out about donor eggs.. what are the best hosptials. How much does it cost.. it just seems so overwhelming.  I have read some links posted on here but I would appreciate the first hand approach.

I dont really want to talk to anyone about this as suprisingly I think the whole world and especially all my friends are actually pregnant at the moment - I feel guilty about all the bitter and twisted feelings running through my head.

I still havent got to grips with this site and I just wanted to hear from someone who has gone through this and any practical advice.. I cant seem to log into the chat room and I think my IT skills have given up with my ovaries.. 

Would appreciate some common sense and an idea I am not the only one out there!

Help!!!


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## ZenaE (Dec 2, 2004)

Hiya,
Just wanted to say "hello" and say that you have come to the best place to find out most of what you need. 
You are definately not the only one out there.
You will get through this, take in from me I was in your position in Dec 2003, had 2 donor egg treatments, 1 anon the other known 1st was negative and the 2nd was positive but miscarried at 8weeks. Now in the middle of a medicated frozen embryo treatment. 
Talk to your clinic, what are their waiting lists like, do you know anyone who would donate to you? or else maybe you have to look at going abroad, which maybe quicker.
Be nosey, look at different pages on theis site, read the stories, ask for the info.
Costs depend on where you go, but you are looking at at least £3500 upwards.
The **** site will tell you where the hospitals are and what their stats are.
Don't be afraid to ask.
Sorry that I can't be of any more use.
Take care, 
Zena


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## aemiliastar (May 4, 2007)

Thanks.. just feeling I am not alone is a huge help - thanks for taking the time to reply.. I am sure I will start to feel more positive but it was only this morning we found out.. still a bit raw.. will have a bit of a poke around on here!

x


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Have a look at my blog, am pregnant after a close friend donated to me

xx


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

HI Aemiliastar

You are certainly not alone!  It's not something a lot of people talk about in the big wide world outside, but on sites like these there are loads of women at various stages of contemplating or going through DE treatment.

It is a massive blow being told your own eggs are past it, and you should not underestimate what a big step it is coming to terms with that and having to accept that the way forward is DE.  It's not something you will come round to in a few days, and some people do not like the idea of DE, but others of us have taken the view that a DE baby is better than no baby, and you still go through all the process of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood.  

If you go ahead in the UK, you will have to have counselling as part of the preparation, and we found this useful in our case.  I'm afraid I can't help with waiting lists and availability of donors  etc - it's probably a question of contacting individual clinics and seeing what they say.

Anyway, please do not feel that you are on your own with this, and do post with any of your thoughts or questions.

All the best
Essex Girl x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi
Do give yourself time to grieve the child you are unable to have BEFORE going ahead with trying to conceive the child you may be able to have using donated eggs.  This doesn't mean you can't be getting on with doing some research, which may include looking at our web site www.dcnetwork.org, but the grieving really is vital part of the process...just letting yourself feel the sadness rather than thinking you must be active and positive the whole time.  Using donated eggs or sperm is never a first choice, but it isn't second rate either.  Many of us cannot imagine having children using our own (or partners) gametes now...
With very best wishes
Olivia

/links


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## aemiliastar (May 4, 2007)

Thanks to everyone who has replied.. I feel like I am being really dramatic to say I feel so incredibly low but its just hit me so hard. I felt my world had ended on Monday.  I really wanted to do the research so I was prepared before I made any decision and the help and advice on here has been such a huge boost.  Looking at getting some professional help to help me feel "serene" about my decision.  I know that I will follow through with DE but need to get over this before I can fully embrace it.  I hope that doesnt sound ungrateful.. the gift of a child is a miracle regardless of the process you have to go through to achieve it.. 

I have to say the women on here are truly amazing.. To have read the stories and chat its a tad humbling!.. fingers crossed for everyone.. 

x


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## A.T.C.C (Mar 13, 2006)

Hi aemiliastar - i just wanted to wish you luck for your journey ahead.
The waiting lists for donors in England arent great but if you could possibly find your own donor that would get you the treatment sooner.
Good luck xx


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## Jaydi (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi aemiliastar  

So sorry to hear you have had this huge shock, no wonder you are feeling a bit lost with it all.  So many people here can remember that day when they were given the terrible blow of being told it was not advisable to go on trying with their own eggs.  I don’t think I realised how much I had always imagined one day having a ‘little me’ in my life until I was finally told it wasn’t going to happen.  So hard.  I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway.

Like your partner my DH was also amazing and very supportive but it took me a long time to be able to explain to him just how devastated I was by the news. He didn’t feel the same way about it.  Also I knew that if we did use donor eggs then I wouldn’t want to tell many people.  For most of my friends and family it is enough for them to try and take in that we are doing IVF at all. So I didn’t want to talk it through with them because I didn’t know if I wanted to keep it a secret.  Our plan was always to first tell the child their story.  So I felt very isolated on top of everything else.

I think it’s good advice that you’ve had here to let your grieving come out in anyway you need.  And perhaps that process doesn’t end until you have a little one in your arms who you love so dearly that you can’t even remember that they aren’t 100% from you.  

I know I am still grieving but it’s somehow ok now, not that first terrible shock.

Have your read about epigenetics?  That is a word worth putting into the FF Search – it helped me a lot.  There are lots of stories here to help you feel better about the future and that there is still a lot of hope, even though it maybe doesn’t feel like that right now.

My DH actually felt better about using donor eggs rather than carrying on because the chances of success are so much higher with DE and he couldn’t bear any more BFNs.  

The waiting list at our clinic in England was 2 years (unless you had a friend prepared to donate) and our consultant there told us about our options and mentioned Fertility Friends and also that many people go to Spain.  So we started our research!  Daunting but it really does get easier!  We emailed a few clinics in Spain, Ceram in Marbella and all the ones in Barcelona.  There are details of them all in the Treatment outside the UK area and also under International, Spain.

There is nothing wrong with putting your name on a list with a clinic before you finally decide if you will go ahead.  No one would mind if you change your mind later on.  Do get some counselling about it.  I did and it was the best thing I could do.  I went to the counsellor at our uk clinic who was used to talking about these things and she was a star.  

But now we are through that horrible time and we are able to come to terms with it and feel optimistic about the future (most days!).  We have a plan and we don’t feel overwhelmed with all the choices like we did at the beginning.  Just take small steps and it will all unfold for you in time.  Don’t worry.  As Essex Girl says – you are not alone!

And be as dramatic as you like when you describe how hard this has hit you.  We all know just what you mean.  Be kind to yourself.  

Good luck  

Jaydi xxx


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi aemiliester

Hi there, I am also fairly new to Donor Eggs and just beginning my 1st cycle. Please join us on DE newbies part 3 if you need to chat to others going through the same as you! Everyone is lovely and so supportive.

Kay xxx


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