# Getting married



## Sunset

Hi
I am getting married next year. It's very exciting! We're busy planning. A lot of people are asking are we going to have children. It's so draining trying to deflect the question eg we'll have to see what happens, who knows etc etc. My fiance thinks that I should just say that we can't have children. I really can't see myself doing that and I'd prob end up in floods of tears. Not good. My fiance doesn't want children. That is a decision that he made, whereas I have no had no choice. 
I would welcome your ideas on how to deal with the situation, as it seems to be arising more and more often. I need to find a way of handling the situation as it's really getting me down and I'm turning into someone I don't like very much.   My poor fiance.
xo


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## Littlegwen

Hi Sunset,
It's difficult because you don't want to be rude so you say something to deflect the question while you're dying a little bit more inside.
There isnt an easy answer i don't think but, depending on how well I know them, I sometimes say that sadly you can't always have what you want in life.
I wish I was brave enough to answer everyone in the same way!
Gwen


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## Susan01

I often wish I could say something truthful. More often than not I've just said 'no we don't have children' and hastily changed the subject. These days I find it easier to say 'sadly we don't' which is what I'd rather say. Like littlegwen said, it's easier with some people than others!


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## Debs

You could just make light of it and say something like "flippin heck ive got a wedding to plan which is taking all my time atm" and then start a conversation about all you want to do wedding wise blah blah blah to change the subject  

For me however - im honest now..... blunt even ............ but they get their answer and shut up  

Love

Debs xxx


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## EmmaLily

I know exactly how u feeling hun.  I have had that stupid question for the last 10 years.  It absolutely does my head tbh!!! I think people have started to give up later tho.  I say still things like "NO chance I have enough trouble with the dogs" and have a little laugh and usually get away asap!!! I really wish I had the courage to say to someone and embrassing them "NO cos I cant have kids.....happy now" I am sure that would shut them up and they would think twice about saying such a stupid question to someone else.  I have always threatened that is what I am going to say to the next person who asks but I never do.  Sometimes I even aviod situations like birthday parties and family gathering when I know someone will ask "when am I going to have kids then" or "isnt it about time u gave dh a baby" (I always lost my cool with that insenitive bloke who made that comment and I think my eyes told him he had said the wrong thing).  My parents and my sisters know all about my IF and I have educated them and they no longer ask people these questions cos like I told them u just never really know what goes on behind closed doors.  

I know exactly what u mean about the person u have become.  I really dont like the person I have become but everything happens for a reason hun and in the long run this rollercoaster will make us stronger people I am sure.  


xxx


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## LostHeart

I do feel for you, as _everybody_ asks that question when you get married, and it is very annoying. Like the other ladies have said, there is no easy answer. I have told a few ppl straight out, though I'm trying to remember now who they were , but more often I just say 'hm' and leave the room. Tbh I am more inclined to tell someone who is generally thoughtless or who had been inconsiderate about my health in the past, when its ppl that I know mean really well and asked innocently then that's where I tend to say nothing. I think it's good to have a set phrase in your head though, that you've rehearsed, because it so upsetting when ppl ask that its hard to think on your feet. Maybe something like, 'it's an upsetting topic for me'...makes it clear all is not well, without details. I don't know really. Test a few phrases out and see what works for you. And if you find a winner come back and share it with us! x


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## Sunset

Hi Girls
I really appreciate that you've taken the time to reply with your ideas. As Debs suggested at the moment I find myself replying that we're busy planning our wedding. Then the expectation seems to be that we'll produce a baby in 9 mnths!! Arrgghhh! I can't seem to win.
I will try and develop a reply to use. I think that would be better than trying to think on the spot. When I was asked today if I had children I just replied 'no' and moved on with the conversation. Too blunt, I think.
I'll let you know how I get on.
xo


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## Debs

Not blunt at all hun xxx


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## Mamaji

Wise words from all who have already posted.  Personally I get annoyed that we should even have to think about coming up with a set phrase.... in my ideal world people should know how to be sensitive to the feelings of others ...... sadly my dream ideal world doesnt exist and we do have to put up with the questions from others.

It tends to depend who is asking me on what I say.  If it's someone I don't know very well and asked do you have children ... then its a straight "no".  I've been experimenting with tones of voice .... if AF is due then it tends to come out "NO" in a tone that sounds very much like f**k off ..... I blame the hormones, or in my case lack of them! If it's someone I dont know and I'm feeling quite calm then I will just say "no" in as even a tone as I can muster - it stops further questions and avoids either of us feeling uncomfortable.

If its someone who I expect to know me quite well then they get the truth "I would need IVF to have a baby, we cant afford it and it would be a maximum 20% chance of working ..... so no babies for me sadly".  This seems to stop people from saying anything stupid and tends to bring out their sensitive side.

My 92 year old grandad took me aside lately and said "now honey I dont mean to speak out of turn here but you are the oldest grandchild, your sister has had two and your cousins have got children.  You are the one I have been looking forward to seeing having children, when are they coming?"  I had the hugest lump in my throat, my grandad gets really confused these days but on this day he was completely lucid and had tears in his eyes asking me the question.  I was trying to balance telling him the truth but not upsetting him ... I opted for humour as he wouldnt know what IVF was.  I said "well grandad according to the doctor my lady bits seem to have gone into early retirement, they have applied for their pension and started using a blue rinse to hide the grey hairs".  He went into a fit of laughter for about 10 minutes then when he calmed down said "so you cant have babies darlin"  "no grandad and its made me feel really sad".  He put his arms out and pulled me to his chest just like he did when I was a small child, he started to stroke my hair and kissed my head.  I had no way to keep the tears in, the love pouring out of him was so intense, I felt like a vulnerable child again but at the same time completely safe.  He kept patting my head and said "let it all out darlin let it all out".  I cant describe how amazing it felt to give myself permission to be so vulnerable with him.  Any thoughts that I should protect him from my grief were thrown out the window in that moment he hugged me, he didnt need me to protect him.  My humour mixed with my honesty seemed to hit the mark.

I'm learning the balance between feeling sensitive about other people's feelings whilst aiming not to feel responsible for them. It's often hard enough work processing my own feelings without trying to second guess how others will react.

Give yourself permission to enjoy the planning of your wedding, I kinda agree with your hubby to be re telling the truth, hard as it may be, otherwise the questions may keep coming and coming and that may be harder.

For the last year I've been learning to love my body again, accepting what it can do, rather than feeling resentment about what it can't do ....easier said than done.  I don't think men will ever understand how difficult this is.... can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling to help him support you?

Sending you huge   and lots of love

Nic x


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## silvergirl

Sunset, congratulations on getting married! That is such an exciting step and will be a fantastic day I am sure. 
Xxxxxxxx


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## Debs

Ah Nic .... you just bought tears to my eyes with the post regarding Grandad.  Sad but lovley at the same time ............... and now my mascara is smudged  

Lovely lovely Grandad - youre so lucky there xxx


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## ilovekids

Hi Nic... 

Just been reading this thread and your post brought tears to my eyes... You are extremely lucky to have such a great grandad! Wish more people could be as understanding! x


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## Sunset

Nic, your story about your Grandad was very sweet, but it made me cry.  
I'm heading out tonight for dinner with my fiance and some of my friends/their husbands. They all have children. I am looking forward to meeting up but I dread the inevitable conversation about kids, as my friends swap stories/advice. I end up sitting smiling/nodding, but of course I have nothing to offer. And yes, we did have a lovely holiday recently, and yes I'm sure we will head off somewhere again, but at the moment we have no plans. Lucky us!?  
I'm about to have an attack of the green-eyed monster.....not a good look.


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## Mamaji

Hiya Sunset  

Didnt mean to make you   although every time I think of that day with grandad it does make me cry.  But it also taught me a really special thing and I think that's why I told you the story .... I realised that it was possible to allow myself to be vulnerable and honest about not being able to have a baby and that other people can and will be supportive.  It is soooo tiring putting the brave face on all the time when the inevitable children conversations start at social gatherings...how did your night out go?  

Its hard not to feel jealous ... then resentful ..... then sad ..... then angry .... then betrayed by your own body ...... then empty ...... I think its just part of the weary road that we have to tread over and over again .... however ..... sometimes its also about focusing on what WE DO HAVE in our lives.  I wrote a big list lately of all the people and things and events in my life which are good.  It is soooo easy to get bogged down with what we want (a beautiful wee baby) and the fact it wont happen that its easy to lose sight of the good things that are already around.  I'm sure you have many people (your fiance for one) in your life who love you very much.. sending you huge   Nic xx


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## Susan01

Love what you say Starbaby. I so agree about putting on a brave face all the time - it's not our responsibility to protect other people. Why shouldn't we just be able to talk about it?


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## jo1985

Hi nic u just made me cry reading bout ur grandad wat an amazing man. I m gettin married31/3/12 yey


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## katedoll

I hope you don't mind me replying as we are in a slightly different situation, in that everyone is now asking me when we are going to have another child.  I know it is a very different situation, but it is still difficult.  My view is that if you don't say you aren't going to have any (however much it may hurt to say or you don't really feel comfortable saying it) people will just continue to ask.  I've realised it is best to say .... no we are just having 1, or no 1 is good for us, or maybe in your case no we aren't having children and just leave it at that.  My only concern is if you say you are concentrating on your wedding, you will just keep getting asked and it will continue to be painful.  I think a lot of people like to compartmentalise people, and if they can put you into the not having children category, that is done and you won't keep getting asked.  I hope this isn't too blunt, but I have found once you've told people that is done, and they don't tend to keep asking.  Easier said than done I know, as I remember people said to me, oh you'll probably change your mind ..... but I wish you well and lots of love.  Good luck with the wedding, enjoy it. xx


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## Sunset

Hi Girls
I read through all your replies/posts again this evening. I really appreciate all your support.
Jo1985 - Congrats!! How are your plans coming on? 

It has been a strange few weeks. One of my closest friends had her first baby. She knows that I can't have children. I am delighted for her. Her baby is gorgeous. However, I do find it q challenging at times as she tells me about the birth/breast-feeding and generally how difficult she is finding it adapting to Motherhood. I am trying to be as supportive as I can - obviously I have zero experience of what she ia talking about! At times I really feel that she's being really insensitive...but what can I do? You'd think she'd realise! Clearly not!

Another friend told me that herself and her husband are having difficulty conceiving and are hoping to try IVF. She doesn't know my situation. I really feel for her. Like me people are asking 'when are you going to have a baby', and she is feeling v stressed/worried/blaming herself.
Another friend has just announced that she's pregnant.
Life is funny at times - everyone's situation is so different.

Our wedding plans are in full-flow. I have to say that some people are un-believeably thoughtless. This is such a special time for us and our families and I just want to enjoy it. We don't have the option of having a baby. That would never-ever have been my choice. But it's where we are. I am marrying a fantastic person. I know he loves me and that he wants to marry me - for me. That in itself is really very special. I am very lucky. I guess it's the after-wedding plans that sometimes concern me.......we won't be having a baby. A couple of dogs perhaps!!

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, sorry it prob doesn't make much sense.

I am enjoying this stage of our relationship and I'm trying to count my blessings. The future does worry me at times - what if my husband wakes up one day and wishes that he'd found someone else who could have a baby. But things are good, and I'm going to try and not let other people's thoughtlessness bother me.......or at least that's the plan!!

Love x


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## Tulipwishes

Starbaby, the conversation with your grandad brought a tear to my eye


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## Nosilab

Huge congratulations Sunset!! *Very * exciting times, I hope you enjoy every minute of your wedding day 

I have to say I very much like Littlegwen's reply of "sadly we can't always have what we want in life", I think I'll be trying that one, as it's not directly saying 'no!' but it gets the point across. I don't think people necessarily mean to be insensitive, it's just lack of knowledge and understanding that actually falling pregnant doesn't always happen for everyone, so I reckon Littlegwen's response would soon stop them in their tracks and make them realise they'd just said something inappropriate and insensitive. It would also hopefully make them think twice before asking somebody else the same question. I know we can all say things we don't mean, I know I've done it without realising - I remember when I first met a now very good female friend of mine, when talking about her partner I kept asking "where does _he _ work" and "what does _he _ do" until in then end she said to me "actually, I need to tell you that my partner is female"...I was absolutely mortified and so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for making such a huge assumption, we laugh lots about it now, but I tell you what, it makes me think twice before assuming someones partner is of the opposite sex!!  So all I'm saying is that sometimes people just need to be educated (like I was), and by being honest and putting them straight will make them really think about what they're saying, and also prevent them from asking you again a few months/years down the line.

Starbaby/Nic - OMG your story about you and your Grandad had me in floods of tears!! What a beautiful but sad story. Bless your Grandad, he sounds amazing 

A little quote I saw recently said "When we're constantly wishing for something, we overlook everything we already have", I really liked this and reminds me that even though I may never be a mummy (which still cuts to the core  ) I still have my wonderful, strong, loving relationship with my darling husband, and our lovely life with our little furry companions 

Love and best wishes to you, especially for your big day! xx


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## tribble

grandads and dogs I think is the way to go ladies
yes I also blubbed 

I see it that my marriage is the ultimate thing - I have thought about all those 'normal' people who get married, then get pregnant, have the babies, I then feel not normal. BUT I got married to be with my husband, loving each other is more important then anything. 
Never mind whether you're going to have kids, just celebrate your love on your wedding day and every day after that... stick together and everyone else can mind their own business; surely two people committing to each other is an absolute celebration of life in itself, without people asking about anything else.


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## Nosilab

I totally agree Tribble, well said  

xx


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## keephopestrong

I know you posted this last year, but I have only recently joined!

We have fought the infertility route for 19 years - male infertility.  I have been pregnant twice.  One a donor but had a miss miscarriage at 2 and a bit months due to medical error.  Then 4 year's ago, miraclously with hubby's child, but miscarried and since then nothing.

I have grown tired of the sheer insensitivity of those around me, especially women, which is strange since we are supposed to be the more sensative out of the sexes!!  So to be honest, I say: we can't have children and leave it at that!  Usually I get: oh I am sorry, why don't you adopt and I smile and walk away.

I am fed up of petending, so I just tell it as I find it now, but don't say who's problem it is. If it had been my problem, then no worries, I would just say, but since the issue lies with my darling husband, it is not my place to say anything.

We are waiting for his latest results which will come in the post tomorrow.  I don't hold out much hope, since I have been on here, I note that even when a chap has low sperm count, it still fluctuates, so why should it be different for my darling who has none?  Oh he has proved it had at least one, but probably this semen test will show 0.

We have decided that since I am still fertile that we will check when I ovulate and just have fun trying!!

I think you will save yourself a lot of emotional stress if you just be blunt because 10 to 1, people get embarrassed and so don't say anything else!!

It is a horrible situation, but for me being a christian, I am trying to hold on to a hope for the future.

If you are married now, congratulations and if not, well again congratulations on getting married lol

Suzanne


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## Sunset

Hi Girls
I haven't been on the forum in ages. Our wedding plans are coming on really well  - our wedding is in the summer. I'm enjoying this time - though it is unbelievably busy! 
People ask questions and make comments. I know people are well-intentioned with their comments/questions. An elderly woman recently asked me if I would like to have children. I replied v vaguely.. we'll see what happens etc... and she commented that most people said that they do want children. It was v insightful of her really.
I really appreciate everyone's support.
So looking forward to our honeymoon! x


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## Debs

Great to see you posting sunset and delighted to hear the plans are all coming together.

Where you off to for honeymoon?

Love

Debs xxx


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