# Another new neice or nephew!



## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Hi Ladies,

Haven't been on for a while but thought about you all today and needed you all.

My youngest brother announced to me today that him and his wife were expecting their first baby in May.  They were only married this April and this was not planned.  They have had to cancel a holiday next year.  Fortunately they live away and he telephoned me with the news.  I had to do all the usual congratulations etc but had tears rolling down my face at the same time .    My sister in law came on the phone and I had a short chat with her and she quickly changed the subject to our recent holiday (I could tell she didn't know what to say really as they both know what we have been through).  They didn't know I was crying and chatting at the same time.

I had to speak to my mum today and she chatted away as usual - my dad came on the phone which was unusual to ask how I was and I did my usual I am fine bit - I knew he meant how was I feeling about he new baby news but I can't talk to them about it.  I think my dad knows it is hurting but know one knows what to say.

I feel I want to curl up in a ball again - just as I was starting to try and move on a bit.  I knew at some point in the future this would happen but I needed a bit more time.  My brother in law also got married in July and this situation will happen again in the future but my mother in law can deal with me better that my own parents.

I am dreading our visits now to my side of the family as all I will get is news about the baby etc and the progress.  One good thing is that it is our turn for Christmas at home this year so I won't see my side of the family til the new year.

I feel awful as everyone will be excited about the new addition to the family and all I feel I want to do is ignore it at the moment. 

My side of the family seems to be growing by the day my Nan has 13 grandchildren and this one will be number 14.  One arrived last week one is due in November and this latest edition in May!  I can't visit my family or my Nan without being updated as to the latest editions 

I just needed to get all this off my chest - thanks for listening!

Perkyone


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh sweetheart sending you massive hugs  

It seems like everyone around you is having babies at the moment... and I am so sorry its touched such a raw nerve with you. I think you would require nerves of steel and a heart of stone not to be affected by all of it.

There is no easy way to deal with any of this, I have found it helps to talk to others who understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry I don't have any wise words for you hon, all I can say is I hope it has helped ease the ache in your heart a little by offloading here to us.

My heart goes out to you hon  
Love & gentle hugs
Emcee x


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## lisa.m (Mar 31, 2006)

ohhh perkyone, my heart goes out to you, my sister has just got married and im dreading the 'pregnant phone call' i dont know about you but to me it always feels worse when the pregnancy isnt planned,it makes me realise how easy getting pregnant should be! my cousion gave birth to her second in sept, her first is only 11 months and neither babies were planned ( shes  20 and not very bright) most of my family live in durham and i havent been to visit them in over a year because i cant face seeing her and her 2 kids, i wish there was something smart or funny that i could say to make you feel better but im not very good at this so instead ill send you big hugs  
take care
lisa x x x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

You sound as if you are exactly at the same stage as me!!! My sister got married 2 mths ago and i too am dreading the announcement!!! She is 34 and i am sure it wont be long!She is the one sibling i have talked to about my if so i am hoping she will make a discreet announcement!!  My other sister is getting married next yr and my brother 6 mths after!!!

I am hoping that once the innitial announcement is over that it will be a little better,except for the actual visiting after the birth!! it is really very hard and i have no words of wisdom but please can you keep in touch with me as we can go thru it all together. I thought once i had got over all my friends/acquaintances getting pg that was it, but no, now its the family who we cant escape!!!

Like you , my dad seems to understand more than my mum- maybe its the daddy/daughter bond i dont know.When my iuis failed although my mum was sympathetic she wondered why we werent doing ivf- we had our reasons!! My dad just accepted it and even mentionned me being " an excellent step mum". He knows it isnt the same but at least it was positive!! Unfortunately we are going thru a terrible time at the moment with my sdaughter- none of my brothers /sisters have a clue how bad it is but yet i know they will expect me to be happy for them if they start a family.Its very unfair!!!

I am sad for you honey- come on here and chat when you need to!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Perkyone
I am glad that you could come on here to share things with us..
As Pipkin said it 'really does hurt'....i think that explains alot of our feelings. Because it flipping hurts and i know that we can all totally empathise with you...
AS the girls mentioned the one positive thing is that you have a very empathetic SIL. That will help you to cope with things alittle easier, because there will not be so much pressure....( i know easier said than done)..
I think the most important thing is to take your time...take your time in how you are going to come to come up with some sort of plan, that you can deal with in the future...Also do not put so much pressure on yourself to feel that you have to do what you feel is expected of you?? because those expectations are what we place on ourselves......
I know this sounds abit strange, but maybe putting a plan together (not exactly now) with your hubby...of how you are going to deal with this...how you are going to be around the family and how you can step back to protect youself..My hubby and i have become so good at it, i only have to look at him and he knows that i want to either go home or remove myself from the room for a bit of fresh air..It certainly helps to sing from the same hymm sheet..It doesn't take away the pain, but it does give you some sort of control with your life and your own actions...
I recently wrote to a close friend of mine explaining that this is really hard for me, although i am happy for their good fortune...i realy care for her and she was just as lovely to me on the phone as your SIL. I felt sad because i felt a loss of friendship because the dynamics of our relationship had changed..But she understood and i managed to pick up the phone to her the other day and she understood but was so pleased to hear from me. Its been about 7months since we chatted and she is about to give birth, but she understood.....She wanted me to take my time, to deal with the hurt and pain and it worked..
I know its different for you  because its family and we cannot always do a runner...but i do not care anymore about that either...sorry but i feel that i won''t be pressurised into something because it is family and i will come round in my own time...Families can be the hardest battle...but its your pain and your life they will be ok...
i hope i haven't banged on...
Thinking of you.... 
love astridxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

perkone
i really feel for you - this is one of the hardest things to deal with. Certainly, for me its been the most difficult aspect of our IF journey so far. I have 6 nieces and nephews - the youngest 2 have been born during our tx process - one is just a baby-  and I have had a really hard time coming to terms with this, and in keeping my relationship with my sister going on an even keel....I really do think that (as the others have said), you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to 'feel' a certain way about things. Yes of course, in your head you are happy for them, but inyour heart it just hurts like hell...so please don't think you should be feeling a certain way at a certain time. I think you need to give yourself time to get to grips with the news, and - as astrid suggested - get a rough plan of action together on how you can deal with things. It sounds like your SIL is really nice - my sisters are lovely too - so that is a positive step. I think the thing to remember is that although its a nightmare for us - its hard for them too as inevitably they care about you and your feelings.
Take care perkyone and a massive big hug to you


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Good Evening Ladies,

Thank you all for your lovely replies.  It helps to come on here soooo much 

I feel a little better today in myself and have got over the initial shock.  It is true it is worse when it was unplanned my sister in law is a teacher and wanted to persue her career a little further before they had a family so it was very unexpected news so soon.  I thought I would be saved from the phone call for a couple of years at least!

The next step will be seeing SIL pregnant and then awaiting the birth and having to do the baby shopping bit.  I might have to send them some money instead as I can't face a trip to mothercare myself even buying a congratulations card will be difficult, reading them in the shop makes me cry at the moment. 

The worst bit will be the first visit i will be likely to cry there and then at the moment, thank goodness I have some months to get myself prepared.

I just hate myself for the jealous feelings that you feel you shouldn't be having but can't help - it just boils up inside me.  I just want everything to go well for them but hate it all at the same time.  It is difficult to describe what goes through your head.  I just feel so awful. 

Thank you all for being here it is just such a wonderful site.  I think I would have gone totally mad without it.

Sending you all lots of  
Perkyone
xx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Perkyone

Just read your post.  Please don't hate yourself for feelings of jealousy we have all been there and done that, I think its perfectly normal reaction.  
It is always hard to learn of pregnancies, the pain never goes away. .... just gets a bit easier to cope with in time.  Your sister in law sounds a very caring person at least she was considerate of your feelings. I'm sure things will be easier for you once you get the first visit over, as you say the initial shock is wearing off for you, hopefully it will get easier for you as months go by. 
Thinking of you 

Jane


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## starr (Mar 23, 2004)

Hiya Perkyone..

I'm not quite at the 'moving on' stage yet... but do consider it to be a real possibility.

In the time we've been trying our families have produced 6 nieces and nephews add to that the 3 god kids and countless friends kids i've had 'the' conversations many times. 

Everytime it comes i cry for a while.... it's getting less and less each time... then i find i'm ok. I can cope with the bump and it's all fine till the next 'big call' comes and i have to visit. I suppose i make myself be the dutiful auntie. Turn up with gifts and a smile, even though i'm screaming inside.

Again though after that 1st visit it gets easier. I'm glad i've chosed this way to be... i wouldn't have missed being Auntie Kelly to all these kids for the world. Sometimes is so hard i think i might die, but whats the alternative?? I need my family and friends and they support me the best way they can. 

I suppose what i'm trying to say is that it is hard and you need to protect yourself, but don't miss out as well.

I hope i haven't offended anyone. 

Take care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Perkyone,
I think this is a situation that we all find ourselves dreading. Like so many of you ladies my in-laws had thier first baby this August, and although I thought I'd braced myself for the news I still found myself crying for an evening over the whole business (which was a little embarrasing as we were in Rome on our wedding anniversary at the time). It almost feels worse when you know that its round the corner and you fear every phone call in case it's your bil or sil's breaking the 'good news'
Much like you, I'm also dreading Christmas this year. Dh comes from a big family, and his parents (who are lovely) always like everyone to go to theirs for Christmas. I'm so scared of going this year and having to put on the fake smile while watching 'happy families'. I hate myself so much as I feel so bitter and resentful about something that isn't their fault atall and although I'm not particularly religious I do think that the saying 'but for the grace of god go I' is so true as it so easily could be them and not us.
Hope this makes sense and I haven't waffled on too much.

So glad you're feeling better petal

lots of love  
pp xxx


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