# Losing Hope



## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

Hi Girls

Im sorry Ive not been around or joining in on the chats these days, ive been on such a downer for ages it seems  

There are several things going on at the moment all connected to my IF.  First of all I have this review appointment with director of gynae tomorrow re my IVF referral.  Im really, seriously, struggling to lose the weight (mostly down to my depressed mood and wanting to pig out all the time) and have gained 2lbs in the last 2 weeks - not good from an IVF point of view as my BMI is still 35    Im also getting worried and losing hope with Clomid.  I worked out this is my 14th cycle, and assuming I O this month it will be my 10th ovulatory cycle in total.  I have one more cycle left after this then nothing until IVF - IF i even get IVF as Im still not on that list yet.

I dont know if any of you have been following my diary but AF showed up on Sunday and by Tuesday was gone   .  That cant be a good sign.  Since starting clomid my number of days bleed has gone to 5, then 3 and now 2.  This MUST be an indication that my uterine lining is very thin.  If thats the case, is there really any point in carrying on with the Clomid if the lining is too thin to support an embryo?  Thats whats running through my head right now and, obviously, I am taking the tablets as I dont ovulate without them but have lost all hope of actually conceiving on these next 2 cycles.

Having read some of the archived IVF posts I see that my PCT only offers one go of IVF on the NHS.  This is bad news, really bad news, since I barely have enough money to cover an IUI attempt never mind several rounds of IVF.  Its killing me knowing that money is probably all that really stands in my way of being pregnant and having a baby but that I have no way or means of raising the kind of cash required for IF treatment.

I know I wont give up trying for a baby at least as long as I can take clomid or get any form of treatment on the NHS.  However, I cant help wondering, if all that fails, at what point do you start having to accept that you are probably going to be childless the rest of your life?  Its weird, nobody, not one single person, ever speaks about the possibility that treatment doesnt always work and that in fact the chance of failure is much higher than the chance of success.  I know any chance of success is still a chance but at the moment I cant help get that gut instinct feeling that Im going to be one of those who cant become pregnant no matter what and its breaking my heart.

Im really sorry to whinge and moan and I know everyone must be going through or thinking the same things.  I just think I will scream if one more person says to me "dont worry, theres always next month" or "dont worry, it will happen for you", after 89 months of trying I really am tired of hearing that.  I know people mean well but in reality the longer you are unsuccessful the more chance that you will NOT conceive.

You know something, I think I should stop reading infertility books!  Everything I read is negative about long term infertility and its probably not helping. Yet, I feel helpless if I dont do some kind of research just in case I discover a hint or tip that Ive not come across before.

AAARRRGGGHHHH     I could just scream right now, Im so angry, confused, upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad and totally depressed.  I wasnt going to post here and just stay away instead but I really feel I have to get this all out.  I get PMs from people reading my diary telling me how strong I am but the thing is Im not strong at all.  My emotions are like a pyramid made from playing cards, it just takes one wrong move and the whole lot comes tumbling down around me ears.  I cant even go to counselling since its held at the ante natal clinic.  I did go for a psychology assessment appointment but they reckon the waiting list is 14 months to be seen - not much help for me right now though.

Sorry, I just had to offload all of that.  Does any of it ring true with anyone else out there?  Does anyone understand where Im coming from re the prospect of being childless?  If anyone currently feels like I do I would love to hear from you, I could do with someone to chat to.

thanks for listening, and for all your support as always.

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat


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## sarahstewart (Aug 4, 2005)

Witchie

I just caught this post before I logged off.... I am so sorry you are feeling   I haven't been TTC as long as you BUT me and DH have discussed living child free this month and at the moment I feel OK about it and more relaxed BUT I know that is because deep down I hope we will have a baby (if that makes sense)

All I can say is that a dear friend of mine TTC for years and is now in her late 40's and she is childless and although at the time it hurt them both they got through it and are a strong couple who have no money worries and lots of holidays!!!!

I just hope that things work out for you hun......I plan to enjoy life now and not put everything on hold 'just in case' I get pregnant.  

Talk tomorrow hun if you are around....PM me if you need too.

SarahXXXXX


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## KerryB (Mar 7, 2005)

Sweetie, I'm just leaving work but wanted to give you a hug   and tell you your not alone. I'm feeling the same way about my weight at the moment (my BMI is 32) as we have our IVF appt on Friday. 

I will reply in more detail tomorrow but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi Witchie,
I am really sorry you are feeling soooo  .  Everything you have said is so true and could apply to how everyone on this board has felt. I think you are just exhausted from thinking about this.  This month I have tried to stay away from the books, discussing it and even this web site.  I cried for a week last month,  I couldn't do that to myself  or my DH this month so I have tried to give myself a mental break.

My DH and I don't have the money either for IVF, we have discussed the possibility it may never happen for us.  We have so many plan  B's it's untrue.  Plans that include getting two springer spaniels to completely changing our lives and immigrating.  But as Sarah said deep down I can't bring myself to believe that we can't have children.

I too have really short periods, only 1 full day of flow then spotting for a day then none.  I had one scan when I had a cd14 where I had a 21mm follie and 8mm lining, which is a an OK depth.  My consultant is not concerned about length of bleed.  Apparently some people reabsorb some of their lining.  A short period doesn't necessarily mean no lining. But if you look hard enough you'll find someone who will tell you to panic.  Sometimes not knowing is better.

It is hard but maybe try putting the books and the questions away for a few days, try and remember what it was like before every waking minute (and dreams, I even dream of it) were consumed by dreaming of a BFP.

I'm sending you positive vibes   . Take care.   

Maybe x


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## jocole69 (Dec 19, 2004)

Hi,

I just wanted to say as the others have, you are not alone in how you are feeling. I dont hold out much hope for my chances personally, and like you, cant afford IVF - would be worried taking all the drugs as well cos of my endo etc..
I know nobody can make you feel better but we are all in a similar positon and know how you are feeling.

Just one thing, there is a lady on the endo thread who a few weeks ago had completely given up hope after 14 years of TTC, she is pg now!! out of the blue. So u never know for sure.

Maybe, im like you keep thinking i'll either get some dogs, or we will go and live abroad if it doesnt happen.

 to you , try and keep away from surfing and reading info for a few days, if you can Jo xx


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## Beauty (Apr 23, 2006)

Sugar,  I so relate to what you are saying.  I have got some weight to lose before IVF and I have been doing exactly the same as you.  I have been binge eating to help with the misery.  After seven years of IF and so many ops with more to come so my consultant says I too am beginning to despair.  Every where you look there are people having babies and you just want to scream.  i too have read anything and everything about ttc.  I even go in to book shops just to look and see if there's something I have missed. Every time I read a magazine there's always some article or other relating to motherhood or pregnancy and it's so raw.

Sending you lots of love and big hugs,
Rosie xxxxxxxx


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Witchie 
Be back in a bit with a full reply xxxxxxxx


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## b3ndy (Sep 13, 2005)

Hi witchie

just wanted to send you a big hug hon and tell you I'm thinking of you. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through after nearly 90 months of ttc....I'm slowly but surely going   after two and a half years.

But one thing I will say is when I'm having my bad days I do log onto FF and read some of the amaziing 'miracle' babies that have been born to some women on here...just yesterday I saw a woman who'd become preggers after 7 years and had given up hope. My dh works with someone who had been trying with his wife for 10 years (it was a male factor problem) and then - bang - (quite literally) out of the blue she became pregnant last year and they now have a baby girl.

So please please - don't give up - (I know it's easier said than done)....your time WILL come!!

lol

S
xx


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## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

Hi Girls

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support.  I know how hard it is to cope with IF and I appreciate you taking the time to support me  

B3ndy - thats a great idea, i dont tend to read much of the other forums but I will have a scout about for some inspirational stories.  

Flowerpot - thanks for the hug hun, you can never have too many of those when you feel down 

Beauty - When I read your reply it was like reading something I could have written myself. Although its good to know others feel the same and Im not losing my mind, its sad to see so many other people suffering besides myself   

Jocole - thanks for the inspirational story, its fantastic to hear about people conceiving against all odds, it really gives me hope when I hear stories like that.

Maybe - I think you hit the nail on the head.  When I wrote that yesterday I was just exhausted from everything getting on top of me at the same time, I guess something always has to give and for me the outcome was a seriously depressive mood all day and a big rant on here!  Thanks for the advice re uterine lining and number of days bleed, thats put my mind at rest a lot 

Kerry - thanks for your support and best of luck at your appointment tomorrow, I hope it goes as well as mine did today  

Sarah - again, thanks for the inspirational story, you cant hear too many of those when you are struggling, its really gives hope.  Im like you, DH and I have touched on living child free but then the conversation dries up because neither of us wants to really accept that it could happen.  My auntie, who was like a mum to me and was my refuge when my own mother was being a witch to me, had a son who sadly died when he was just 4 years old.  A cruel twist of fate meant that she ended up with uterine cancer and had to have a full hystorectomy and so was unable to have more children.  She had a fantastic life but you could always tell that she longed for her own children and I think sometimes I worry that I might end up like that, you know?

Anyway, my hopes are back, my positive mood is back and my appointment today was fantastic (please see todays post for details).

Thanks to everyone for your support, it really means a lot to me that you take the time to respond when you are all feeling the same pain I am.

I think a big group   is called for here 

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat xx


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