# Struggling to fake a smile



## Strugglingtocope (Apr 5, 2016)

Hi all

This is my first post so sorry if I've not put it in the right place, I am new to forums. 

My husband and I have been TTC for 2 years now with no luck. I have PCOS and take metformin. I've seen a lot of specialists and I'm waiting to hear when my hsg test will be (If I'm honest I'm a bit scared as I heard it really hurts - has anyone on here had one?) I quit my job a couple years ago to concentrate on starting a family as I knew it would be hard being pregnant with PCOS and I didn't want my stressful job to affect my chances of a healthy pregnancy. 

2 years on I've not really got anywhere and I'm just struggling to cope with my emotions  at this point. My best friend and I started trying for a baby at the same time, with visions of us being pregnant together and watching them growing up together. Obviously that didn't happen for us and although I'm very happy to see her happy I do struggle to see her child and think that's how old mine would be if it had worked out for us. As she lives abroad she uploads pictures of her daughter several times a week (sometimes a day) and it pings up on my phone that she's uploaded more with the pictures and it does hurt if I'm honest. There's no way of turning the alerts off without removing myself from the album/ group and I don't want to come across like I can't be happy for them. Then my husbands sister is now pregnant with baby no 2, two years after we started trying which was very hard to swallow. They aren't being very sensitive about it for E.g she text us to announce her pregnancy 3 days after my suspected MC and a few days before Christmas Day. Now she's further along his mum has told me (rather than asked) that I'm planning the baby shower even though we aren't very close and they know how long I've been TTC. I don't even know how I will cope going to the baby shower and not crying let alone planning it. I feel like it's cruel to expect me to do that, am I being selfish? 

My husbands 4 cousins are also pregnant so are sharing how "all the cousins are pregnant at the same time" stories and pictures and it does hurt. I know I can't be mad at people who don't know I'm struggling but my husbands immediate family know and still only ever talk about his sisters toddler and pregnancy at our get togethers and I'm never asked how I'm feeling or what is new with me in general or with our journey to conceive and I'm finding it harder and harder to fake a smile and be happy for them when I don't feel like I get any support or interest back. I've got to he point where I don't really want to go and see them and when I force myself to nothing seems to change and I regret going as I normally come home in tears. My husbands tried to explain how I feel to them but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Is anyone else dealing with a similar thing? I feel like I just need to talk to someone in the same boat


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

hi there, 

sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. 
I just wanted to say you are not selfish at all,  It is very insensitive of your husband's family to behave in that way when they know about your difficulties. and you best friend should know better...

I'm afraid infertility really separates the wheat from the shaft (I hope that's the right expression) when it comes to friends/ family. 

I'm sorry but your MIL texting you to ask you to arrange a baby shower   
Maybe I am blunt. But I would be putting that idea right out of her mind! 

my IF journey has been over 5 years now. and my only advice is to be utterly selfish. 
baby showers, kids birthday parties, christenings etc are all crossed off my list until further notice. 

my true friends have been more than supportive. the ones who haven't (which has only been one) has made me re consider my relationship with her which clearly needed doing anyway. 

consider a bit of a 'overhaul'. for instance on social media I choose to 'hide' those who insist on putting endless pregnancy/ baby photos on there so I don't have to see their updates. or just delete them altogether. 

as for your in laws  
I wouldn't be to happy with them I have to be honest. and that's putting it mildly. 
do you have any friends/ family who are acting in  a supportive way? perhaps someone else you can confide in?
Prioritise those who prioritise you, that's how I live my life. 

I know that Infertility network UK have a helpline, 
and of course you'll get plenty of support on here. you are absolutely not alone. 


sending you


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## Strugglingtocope (Apr 5, 2016)

Thank u so much for the reply, I literally cried when I read it. It's the first time I've spoken to someone who understands, you don't know what that means to me! My mums supportive which is a big help although she does say the odd thing (like that she cried that she wasn't a grandparent when all of her friends are announcing they are going to be) which really hurt to hear, but she didn't realise that would upset me, think she was trying to relate. I think I'm trying to be "too nice" and keep up appearances that I'm happy for everyone but inside if I'm honest I'm not that happy for them as I'm too busy hurting! I don't know how you've dealt with this for 5 years?!


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Hi
You've definitely posted on the right board. Sorry to hear how you are feeling but this is the right place to get support from others who feel the same.

I had the HSG test done and was worried about it, it's a little painful/uncomfortable but is over quickly so try not to worry about it. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be from what I had read.

That sounds awful having constant pregnancy/baby stuff rammed down your throat. I think anyone else would feel the same as you do. Generally when friends have become pregnant/had children I don't see them as much- bit harder when it's family. With regards to your friend- could you just not look at the photos or explain why you're removing yourself from the group. You have to put yourself first. 

I cannot believe you've been asked to organise a baby shower!. I've only been to one in my whole TTC journey and it had a dreadful impact on me for at least a week. What I've learnt through this process is do what you need to do for you-be kind to yourself and don't force yourself to do stuff that's going to have a negative impact. 

I definitely don't think you are being selfish about not wanting to organise it. I think baby showers are absolutely vile anyway. You need to have a think about how you can communicate this to them- be really open and honest about how you feel. Definitely do not get pressured into doing something that is going to stress you out. If they properly understand how you feel they should support you.

I think people get so caught up with themselves they don't think about others or how they feel. For those that get pregnant so easily and naturally they have no comprehension of what an awful journey infertility is. How well is your husband explaining this to your family?. Perhaps he's not doing such a good job, either that or they are incredibly selfish/insensitive. 

Regards
X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Strugglingtocope said:


> I think I'm trying to be "too nice" and keep up appearances that I'm happy for everyone but inside if I'm honest I'm not that happy for them as I'm too busy hurting!


please please let that go. keeping up pretences is not sustainable and you will simply crash and burn. Try not to worry about the feelings of others. They are really not your priority. 
also if people can be that inconsiderate/ insensitive towards you now, you may want to consider just how much valuable support they will actually be when you do get your longed for baby? something to think about ...

I think it must really hurt a parent to see their son/ daughter go through this. so as for your mum sound like she is also experiencing some of your grief and sadness too perhaps..? 
xx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi

Sorry to read of your struggles. Sadly, unless others have experienced the same they won't truly understand how hard it is to conceive. You absolutely are not being selfish at all. You have to protect your own feelings and if seeing photos of babies and hearing about others' children is painful (which we all know is) then you have every right to want to protect yourself from further pain. It really is like rubbing salt into the wound. Good friends will understand and be supportive. In my experience, those who aren't, simply aren't worth bothering with. I lost a 'so-called' friend of 20 years because she rubbished my mc and made me feel like it was nothing. I couldn't forgive her for that and although I never said anything at the time, I realised she wasn't worth my time so I let the relationship gradually wane. It does indeed separate the wheat from the chaff, and you find that people will surprise you. Those you thought would be supportive may not be, and vice versa. 

It's hard when it's family - you can't simply cut yourself off however much you may want to. It sounds as though your MiL and others aren't being deliberately malicious but in reality they just don't understand how you feel. However, the baby shower thing is a bit much and I struggle to see how anyone can be that tactless! If I was you, I'd try to make a joke about it like 'what do I know about babies?' etc. and say you don't think you're 'qualified' to arrange it. Maybe suggest someone else who have recently had a baby. Of course you'll have to fix the smile on and pretend it doesn't hurt like it does but if it gets you out of doing it, it could save you a lot of sadness later on. Or as a compromise maybe suggest at least sharing it with someone else and you could focus on the less 'painful' bits like arranging the catering or something and just tell yourself it's a regular party you're helping to organise. We all have to 'pretend' in certain painful situations and there will always be things you can't avoid. However, when you can, do!! 

It sounds as though you are at the early stages of investigating your fertility and as a fellow PCOS sufferer I fully sympathise with how horrible it can be. (Incidentally, there is a thread for PCOS ladies on the forum which you may find a source of comfort and information). It's really important that you surround yourself with people who can support you during this difficult time. We've all been there - the early investigations, endless tests and the worry that goes with it all. If your friends and family aren't particularly understanding maybe try a counsellor? Just talking and confiding in an outsider can give you a whole other perspective, plus help alleviate the burden you're carrying on your shoulders at the moment. 

You mention you gave up work. May I ask how you're filling your time? Sorry if that's a bit personal but the reason I ask is I too gave up work after my second failed IVF cycle as I didn't think the added stress of working was doing me any great favours. However, after a while the 'freedom' of not being at work meant that all I did all day was obsess about getting pregnant and looking for ways to improve my chances of IVF working. After about 6 months I decided to bite the bullet and set up my own business and it was the best thing I ever did. Having something else to focus on other than conceiving is really important otherwise it just becomes all-consuming. If paid work isn't something you want to do at the moment, maybe try voluntary or charity work - something that will fill your time and give you a sense of achievement. Sadly when you give up work it can make you feel a bit 'redundant'. Working for myself was never really about the money (although of course it helps!!) It was more about finding something to feel proud of again and having confidence that I could do something well even if I was struggling to have children. Of course it's no substitute but it can help make you feel like 'you' again. I'm guessing your MiL had the bright idea of asking you to organise the shower maybe because she perceived you had 'nothing better to do?' Make yourself busy and give others something to ask you about. It's also a great way to say 'sorry, I can't do x because I'm busy doing y'. Of course you may already be filling your time with lots of things and if so, well done on managing to keep motivated despite the sadness you are currently feeling.

Everything you feel right now is perfectly natural and every lady (and gent) on this forum understands perfectly where you're coming from. We've all had to deal with the insensitive friends, family and endless pregnancy announcements. What's really important to remember is try not to compare yourself to others (you mentioned your friend who had a baby). I think one of the biggest things I've learnt over the 5+ of IF is you can't compete with other couples who can conceive naturally. They aren't better than you or their lives are blissfully happy - we just perceive it that way when they seemingly have the one thing we desperately long for. When your time comes it'll be all the more precious and special and their old news will just be a thing of the past. 

Take advantage of this brilliant forum. It's been a lifeline for many of us!!

x


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## Strugglingtocope (Apr 5, 2016)

Thank you so much everyone, everything you've said has made a lot of sense. It's just so refreshing to hear other people who get it.

In answer to the questions I do work for my husband who's self employed to fill my time and as I was in customer service/ internal sales it works out perfectly. I also nanny/ babysit for a couple as and when they need it which helps fill the time but ideally I'd like to work part time somewhere local in the afternoons but I end up not applying as I know I have the hsg test coming up and have that hope that maybe I'll get pregnant after that. It's kind of an endless cycle of hope that keeps me from doing other things?

Yes my husbands family don't seem to care, his mum even said to me "lots of people struggle to get pregnant (insert hubbies sisters name) wanted to get pregnant on honeymoon and she cried for weeks until she got pregnant the next cycle" - that's the kind of comments I get. She kind of has the attitude that if she constantly talks about the new baby and our nephew that somehow I will suddenly "snap out of it" or get over it I think. I get the vibe she thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill and I'm being overly sensitive? Maybe I am as it's just been 2 years which compared to many is nothing. My husband did try and tell them it's best to not go on about babies in front of me but they think they know best. 

What do people think on the baby shower? I think I'll take your advice and ask my husband to tell them it's too much for me to plan it (these things tend to go down better for him as I don't want to argue with the MIL). I was considering not going because I feel like the family who don't know will say insensitive stuff without realising. I had "it'll be you next" and "when are you going to pop one out" at her last baby shower. It's the whole sit in a circle and watch her open presents and everyone talk about their babies etc that I don't think I will be able to fake smile through. Do you think I should compromise and not plan it but suck it up and go to the shower to show I'm trying?


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

No I don't think u should 'suck it up' and go. 
A simple 'thanks for the invite but I'm struggling right now /having a difficult time so if you don't mind I'll sit this one out' will do. 
My personal opinion on baby showers is with one of the previous posters. Utterly vile, tacky, pointless rubbish 
Mmmm... Struggling to say anything positive about your mother in law.. 
I personally don't fully believe that unless you have experienced infertility you won't understand /may say involuntary inconsiderate things
I have not personally experienced cancer/marriage breakdown /natural disaster however I'd like to think I can display empathy to those who have 
Be tough with those in laws hun  xx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Great to hear you're keeping busy working with your hubby. Sounds like the ideal balance. You're doing well to babysit too - you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Regarding the shower, I think you need to consider how you'll be made to feel if you don't go. If you think your DH's family will behave negatively towards you (think you're being selfish, uncaring, disinterested etc.) if you don't go then maybe for the sake of family harmony just show your face for a short while so it appears you're being supportive and doing 'the right thing'. Also, if you don't go, will it put your DH in a difficult position with his family? However, if you feel that you really can't cope with going then I'd buy a present in advance and say how you can't wait to go and then at the last minute develop a sudden sickness bug on the day. Tell them you're so disappointed but you don't want to be selfish by attending the shower when there is a pregnant lady who could potentially catch your germs! 

In an ideal world you'd be able to say how you really feel and the true reason for not wanting to attend, but it seems like your DH's family wouldn't understand and/or take this as a valid 'reason' for not attending. If they don't care about upsetting you, then why should you care about upsetting them? Easier said than done though, I know. Although it's good if you can be tough and stand up for yourself, it's not always easy to potentially instigate another battle when you've got enough of a battle going on with your own situation. 

With regards to getting a PT job, don't hesitate to do it. If it fits your situation now, don't worry about what will happen if/when you get pregnant. I know it's sooo easy to say and soooo very hard to do (I was exactly the same - I can't do or plan xyz just in case I might be pregnant) but it stops you living in the here and now. If you find a job that you think you'd like at this point in time, go for it. When your situation changes, you could just hand your notice in or stay in the job and take advantage of the maternity leave  I certainly don't advocate selfishness but sometimes you really do have to look out for number one. Don't worry about what ifs. It'll make you feel so much more in control of your life if you don't let TTC dictate what you can and can't do. Sorry if I sound a bit preachy. I've had to learn this the hard way and once I felt in control, then the IF felt like something I could tackle with strength and determination. It might dominate your life right now but it doesn't have to take away the little pleasures that can still exist.

x


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## Strugglingtocope (Apr 5, 2016)

Thanks for the advice it's nice to hear your takes on it as sometimes I feel like I'm choosing to see the worst in people. My husband says I'm "too nice" so expect people to be as nice back and when it doesn't happen I get upset so should just expect to be treated like this and then I won't be disappointed.. But that's easier said than done and I don't think caring about other people's feelings is a bad quality to have. Maybe I'll just ask him to tell them I'm not planning it and I'll see how I feel on the day about going. 

Thanks so much for the support today, it's nice to finally not feel alone in this!


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Definitely agree with Hopefulshel- you just need to get on with stuff. Don't put off getting a job/booking holidays/starting new interests 'just incase'. You'll put your life on hold. 
X


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## Ashavaanmrsg (Feb 26, 2016)

Hiya,

It seems you have received many a great answer and I just wanted to echo what has already been said on here.

The HSG is not bad at all, bit of a strange feeling but nothing to fear, it is similar to a smear. I felt a warm sensation and was a bit giddy afterwards but relax and it will be fine.

I really struggle with situations where there are children and especially babies involved. I've had to turn down invites to baby showers, family parties and my godsons birthday party purely as I am the only one still with no children. It really hurts and doesn't get any easier.

Thing is I think my mental stability is more important than others feelings sometimes, my very close friends and family know I am struggling so are fully supportive and completely understand. Those closest to you should be supportive too even though you feel bad.

It is sad to feel like you are missing out on so much but hey, let's stay positive. Our time will come.

All the best to you and remember you are not alone in this struggle!

Big hugs xx


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## ladybug8410 (Jan 12, 2015)

So much of what has been said resonates with me..so if nothing else, know you are not alone. I have not been in this process for as long as some of you(2.5 years) but even then, some days I feel all life has been drained out of me and I can't see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. 

Having a very close group of girlfriends all my life who are now progressing to baby number 2 respectively, I have learnt how to stay out of their baby/toddler conversations and only join in when I feel I can. So far, that strategy seems to be going ok. Like what others have said, I have stopped attending baby related functions where possible as I only come home feeling very sorry for myself and then get into arguments with DH over nothing at all. 

As for family, this is a whole different story. SIL just announced she was 6 weeks pregnant a couple of weeks ago. I broke down right after I got off the phone with her in a way I was not expecting. I didn't realise it could hurt that much. Weirdly when my sister announced her second pregnancy a year ago, I didn't feel as bad. The harder part is we are seeing SIL and all their family in a couple of weeks for a big get together and I am bracing myself for this. I can't get out of it as it is MIL's big bday celebrations. I am trying to concentrate on the fact as she won't have a bump, I can pretend she isn't really preggers. I just hope no one gives me the "relax, go on holiday" speech because I think I will turn around and tell them we have had zero fertilisation when we forcibly injected DH's sperm into my egg 3 times..I don't think going on a holiday is going to fix it. 

I'm so grateful for this forum, keep up the fight ladies and we will get there someday!


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