# What to say?



## clare961112 (Jun 18, 2010)

Dear all,

I am interested in any opinions/views/experiences about what (if anything) to say to little ones when you are going through IVF?

Our daughter (conceived through IVF) is now four and we shall shortly be embarking on our final go for a sibling for her (had two failed attempts already).  We are having this go at a new clinic away from home, and I'm going to need to be in London for 2-4 weeks and it's likely I'll only be able to see her at weekends.  We can obviously make up a reason for me to be away (work, training etc) but I don't respond well to treatment and I'm likely to be at the clinic or possibly not very mobile on the days she comes to visit, plus which she is a bright thing and I'm wondering if she is ready for (an age appropriate) version of the truth.

I'm interested in what others have said to their children, and when......

Many thanks,

C


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi Clare,
Not sure I'll be a lot of help but thought I'd get in touch.

My daughter (also result of fertility treatment) is a very bright 3 year old and despite me deliberately avoiding telling her exactly what's going on she's kinda guessed. The story for cycles so far is that "doctors are trying to find out what's wrong with mummy's tummy and so I need to take some special medicine and can't play all the games she'd like."
Despite the vagueness she constantly enquires as to whether they've found a way for me to get a baby yet - and fact she's had to come with me to a few scans hasn't helped. This alone has made it very hard for me when cycles have failed to try and be "okay" about fact and try and act positive for her sake.

Fortunately I've not had to be away from home, despite swapping clinics to "improve our chances" - that'll be really tough on you I guess. Will your partner be with you in London?

Wishing you success with your treatment and hope you don't respond too badly this time fififi x

PS. When do you start your cycle? If you'd like to stay in touch please do. I'm having last IVF treatment, this time a short cycle, starting sometime in next week or so


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## clare961112 (Jun 18, 2010)

Hi Fififi,

Thank you so much for your reply.  It's helpful hearing your experience - we too have had moments where our daughter has clearly picked up on what's going on without being told.  She seems to have decided for herself that there's a problem, and has suggested that my mum could have a baby for us, and has even offered to have one herself!! 

We need ICSI - our only problem historically has been my husband's sperm although now my age isn't on our side.  I've talked to her about how mummies and daddies make babies together, and sometimes this doesn't happen even when you really want it to.....  I think I may introduce that we had some help from the doctors and nurses when we had her, and we're hoping they can help us again - it's trying to keep it low key whilst respecting her effort and need to understand.  On previous cycles I've played the bad back card when I've not been able to look after her (had some degree of OHSS most times) and like you, found it very difficult to manage when it hasn't worked.  

Thank you for your offer of keeping in touch - I'd like that, although I think you'll be a bit ahead of me.  We're going to do a monitoring cycle in February and then hopefully start in March or asap after that.  I'm going to be doing most of this cycle on my own in London as my husband will need to be at home looking after my daughter (she's at preschool five mornings a week during term time and we don't really want to disturb her routine).  Hopefully they'll both come down at weekends and we'll manage some sort of family time.  I'm hoping she won't need to come to the clinic with me but I may not manage that - we don't have family locally to help with childcare so it will just be the two of us juggling!!

Anyway thank you so much for replying - it's good to know we're not on our own struggling with this one (although I do realise having had a successful cycle it's a privileged problem to have).

Cx


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi again Clare,
I like your daughter's ideas as to how you can get a baby. Mine hasn't yet offered to help grow one but seems to feel I can share her toy babies and those of some of our friends!!! (Would be interesting to know what they'd think if I popped round and said I was borrowing the baby for the weekend!!!)
We also live several hours away from family so managing scans etc. with childcare is quite a nightmare. Thankfully a few friends have helped out in the past but the majority have had babies recently or are quite heavily pregnant so I'm a bit more limited this time around. That said I'm so thankful that we're having the treatment within an hour of our home. Your next cycle sounds like it'll be really tough with you having to be away from both your husband and daughter.

Since my previous post I've decided to delay my cycle until beginning of Feb as just felt too full of worries and not at all relaxed. My daughter starts at a new preschool this week (now she's eligible for funding) and although she's all excited I feel quite sad that she's moving yet further away from being my "baby". Plus her swimming lessons change this week from being parent/baby to her on her own in a small group with the teacher. All good milestones but just at the minute I don't really want her to grow up.

Hope your monitoring cycle goes smoothly. Look forward to hearing from you again sometime x


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