# Guilt during TWW



## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

Apologies in advance, as there's a whole heap that needs to come out here (I will try to keep it as brief as possible). On Monday I had a 5 day transfer. From 20 eggs we had 15 mature, all of which had ICSI. 10 made it to day 3, although we were told their quality was 'average' and all with fragmentation - by day 5 we were told that only 2 had made it to blast - that they were BC grade and one was weaker than the other (it may have been an early blast; she was quite vague). This completely swayed the decision about how many to put back, particularly when the embryologist said that the weaker of the two would not be suitable for freeze. We therefore had to make a massive, potentially life-changing decision in what was a matter of minutes. We had both transferred.

The tww has now become a nightmare. Rather than the excitement of possibly being (finally) pregnant, I am petrified by the thought of twins (or more, if either/both split). What if I can't carry them? What if I lose them? What if their health is compromised by our decision to put both back? What if my relationship with my DH suffers? I know that the majority percentage still suggests that it will be a BFN, and I feel so guilty for thinking all these negative thoughts when I should be focusing on the beautiful thought of being given this opportunity to be a mum. We would be blessed to have a child/children, so why is my mind doing this to me? When someone falls pregnant naturally, they don't have to deal with this numbers game - they get whatever nature sends them. I think that whatever decision we'd made on Monday I would feel guilty for something, wondering if we'd done the right thing. 

Sorry for the rant - just feel as though I'm going a bit  

The worst feeling at the moment is the loneliness - I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My own mum is not my birth mother, so I can't talk to her about this as I feel too guilty (she has never had a pregnancy). My mother-in-law, though I know she doesn't mean to, says all the wrong things (before IVF we consistently had the 'relax and it'll happen', as well as all the stories about next door's cousin's friend who adopted and then had 15 naturally  ) She was happy to talk about it when the 'problem' was with me, but when we found out about DH's issues she went very quiet on the subject. I can't talk to DH at the moment either - communication on the subject has more or less ground to an awkward halt since transfer. 

Is anyone else experiencing this kind of guilt during the tww? I felt guilty on Monday at the thought of choosing one over two - now I feel guilt at the worry that they'll both stick and I won't cope. Then I feel guilt for thinking that way....and then so it continues...

Thanks for taking the time, ladies. Fingers crossed for you all on your tww

xx


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## Mar31 (Aug 26, 2014)

Awwww it's sooooo hard!!!! So glad I am not the only one who feels like I am going insane!    

We also had 2 embryos transferred on Tuesday, one grade 8 and one grade 5 so only average. We would adore twins but I also feel a little guilt that I may have increased the risks. Had a m/c last year and the thought of going through that again is unthinkable!

This 2ww is just awful! When do you test? 

I think it is normal for us to feel like this, it's such a huge thing xxxxxxxx


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It is really inspiring to read of women who keep fighting after such heartbreak. I know I should just get a bloody grip of myself.

Were your embryos transferred at day 3 or day 5? I don't understand these grades at all, although the word 'average' was used as a collective description of what we'd managed to produce (the staff at our clinic, lovely as they are, talk to us as though we have medical degrees and leave me totally lost). 

I test on the 2nd November (well - that's what they've put on my notes, but whether I'll crack before then is another thing!)

What about yours?

xxxx


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

I just want to say you are not alone in your thoughts but trust me if god is going to send you babies at the end of the 2ww embrace it. 

You'll see I'm on cycle no 6 and at no point did I ever believe I'd still be trying with fantastic embryo's and blasts onbaord throughout my journey but here I am.. I've had 2 3day embies onboard both 8cell grade 4/4 no frag and if these beauts don't take then I shall have to call it a day. The 2ww is the hardest part to IVF and more so as you start to doubt so much of what you've transferred. Believe me if I could have 4 transferred I would.. anything for me to see two lines. 

I wouldn't worry about things right now, just relax and   OTD gives you the positive you wish for. 

Mar31, so sorry to hear of your mc.. life is more cruel at times and I wish you lots of luck this time. Same for you Jenks82, you have been given two blasts regardless of their grade on day 5 so I believe you've made the right decision.. Be positive xxx


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Thanks hbkmorris - it is so good to speak with people who understand this process, especially as your experiences put so much into perspective. It takes real bravery and spirit to be at cycle 6 -   you get your BFP this time. When are you testing?

You're right about the 2ww being the hardest part - I never realised it would be such a head-screw! We are warned about the injections/treatments...pfffft....give me double daily jabs over the constant analysis!    

x x x x


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Ha ha ha I know the feeling we are told so much but then somewhat left alone on the 2ww.. it's crazy and makes you feel like you are going  .. trust me it's totally normal. No many how many times you do it it just doesn't get any eaiser.. in fact I think it gets harder!

I never thought I'd have to face more and more cycles and no 6 hasn't come without it's worries for me. I'm not sure if I'm brave or just darn stupid! I must have a screw lose to put myself through all this again BUT when you dream, want something so bad in life you strive to achieve it and I may have debt galore but if I do see pink lines next week (OTD 30th October) I'll be the happiest bunny alive.. Then the next stage of stress begins. 

If we all keep positive, remain strong and above all support each other we can make a difference that I do truly believe in. When is your OTD? 

xx


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## Mar31 (Aug 26, 2014)

We test on 3rd November! I am determined not to test before then. After 3 years of 'not pregnant' (apart from that one glorious moment of a 'pregnant: 1-2 weeks' and 11 weeks of floating on air) I don't want to risk it. Think I'll leave it to the hospital and their blood test       

Do you ladies also find that our bodies are cruel to us at this point?? (sore boobs, twinges etc) all those pregnancy symptoms when I know deep down it's probably just the medication!

Also the pessaries....ewwwww!!! The joys ey!  

I am a teacher and it's half term next week (thank goodness) done a few 12 hour days at work this week so ready for a rest. I am on my PPA and usually work so hard but just can't focus today!! I just want to wrap myself up in cotton wool...don't know about you? I've been coughing and then getting worried that they might come away!! Always thought I was level headed! 

Did anyone try the embryo glue? We did...hoping it may help  

Sending positive thoughts your way!!! xxxxxxxxxx


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## Mar31 (Aug 26, 2014)

P.s. hbkMorris.....it HAS to work for you think time!!   You are a trooper! It's got to be your time xxxxx


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

hbkmorris - I agree with Mar31- everything crossed for you, this time has got to be a BFP! 'Only' one week for you (which under normal circumstances seems to pass in an eye-blink, but now?!!) Is the OTD the home test? (sorry - I am not familiar with all these letters!) If so, mine is on the 2nd - we are all within a few days of each other! Exciting! 

Mar31, I am also a teacher, but I've been working as a home tutor for past few years. DH and I discussed this the other day - how have you been managing time off school with all the appointments, scans, treatments? For past couple of weeks I've felt as though I may as well set up camp in the clinic!

Bodies are definitely cruel - day after transfer I felt sick and had a weird kind of burning sensation low down. I know it was probably the meds (urgh...the pessaries are delightful, aren't they?! I've never felt so sexy haha). 

Have either of you been doing anything like acupuncture?

xxxx


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## Mar31 (Aug 26, 2014)

No, my friend recommended it and said it is wonderful but haven't got time! School is pretty intense...I have lots of additional responsibilities/do a lot of school to school support work etc and our school loves a good meeting/club....any excuse to keep you at school as late as possible!! 

It's been difficult at work but my head has been amazing (he's been through it himself) and has allowed me time for appointments/scans etc. My egg collection was on a Satuday but I took the full day for transfer (which I found much worse....I was soooo desperate for the loo!) but had parent eveining that night so went in for that. The only thing is the parents and people generally are starting to ask lots of questions and come to their own conclusions!! One asked if I had cancer!  

It's just so hard to put on a show to the children all the time and keep up with all the classroom jobs, marking, planning etc etc ....feel like my head is spinning and I just want to hide! (hence sitting in bed and doing my ppa today!) Our test is the first day back after half term so it will be a difficult one if it's bad news xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## goingforthemiracle (Oct 27, 2013)

Well, last year I had 3 PERFECT 5 days blasticyst and still got a chemical. It is better to have more then one embie on board. And you know, God works in mysteries eays sometimes. If he decides that you will have 4 babies at ones, so it will be. So, what I mean is, do not worry, you made a good decision. 

Good luck and lots of baby dust your way.


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

goingforthemiracle, sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancy - that must have been so difficult after having 3 perfects. These gradings make things so unclear, as some ladies seem to have no luck with 'perfect' embryos, whilst others have 'poor' embryos that stick. Like you say, whatever will happen will happen - it is out of our hands now! Are you in a cycle at the moment?

Mar31 - I can't believe how insensitive and tactless people can be! At least your head is supportive - I imagine some people's bosses must be unhelpful about time off, which would only make things more difficult. Thank goodness for half term!  

xx


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## goingforthemiracle (Oct 27, 2013)

Jenks I just had my hysto and the implantation cuts last saturday. So i am waiting for my af to arrive, then I will start the meds. 

It is all scaring this time and the idea that it has a chance of not working out is killing me ((( It is all so cruel, but do I have another choice?....


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Oh ladies I truly sympathise with you and working with children. I did the NNEB (got that was some years ago) and worked in a nursery and it just broke me so had to leave as I knew then I had issues with my tubes and conception was never going to be easy. I take my hat off to you, also annoys me when people throw judgment without thinking about things first. It's like their brains don't engage!! 

Yeah OTD will be testing at home first then i'll have a blood test if it's a positive. I've got to be careful if it's a negative as I'm also on the immunes meds and the steroids have to be subsided gently so that's be yet more fun.. If it's a positive then I shall remain on them for a min of 12 weeks. 

Thank you both for your kind positive thoughts and best wishes.. I think I've had my fair share of bad luck now.. Blimey if there is a god he'd better start looking out for me. I need this now more than ever before. 

I'm the same as goingforthemiracle. I had a hysto back in Jan (all clear) then had my hydro tube removed in June with a D&C then the endo scratch period cycle before my stim cycle. Chicken we have no other choice we just have to keep trying. 

Here's hoping for all.. good luck ladies x


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Ladies, you three have all been through so much - I feel ashamed at my stupid outburst this morning. Our ttc journey has been pain-free in comparison. Having said that, I can't regret it - we wouldn't be having this convo otherwise, and I hope we can all help each other get through the next couple of weeks. 

I work with teenagers, hbkmorris - when I was full time in a comprehensive they very nearly put me off for life!! I'm finding work quite helpful - it's a distraction from googling and going  

xxx


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## Loudxx84 (Mar 4, 2012)

Hi ladies can I join your thread I'm also in the same situation & just had to make the awful decision to transfer 2 5 day blasts of good but not excellent quality (( feeling & wondering alsorts xx


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi Loudxx84 - it's such a tough decision to make isn't it? And so much doubt and second guessing afterwards. I don't think we should look into the quality of the blasts too much - it doesn't seem a guarantee of anything. When was your transfer day? xx


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## goingforthemiracle (Oct 27, 2013)

Yes Jenks i totally agree with you. It is not only about the quality....


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## Loudxx84 (Mar 4, 2012)

Jenks transfer was today hun when was yours? I'm worrying like crazy iv done the right thing  this 2ww is going to b hard with my 22month old dd from my fresh cycle. Xxx


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## Sharry (May 13, 2007)

Ladies please feel free to join the main threads as you will get lots more support there.

Xx


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## missdahlia (Sep 17, 2013)

Loudxx84, having your dd with you during these next two weeks will be the best distraction! I'm sure she will keep you busy - hopefully they will fly by. 

My transfer was Monday. Think I've had about 5 hours sleep since then! Was your dd an icsi baby?

Xx


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