# Help! What to say to my pregnant friend?



## Cay23 (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi ladies

I hope you can help me? I recently had my fourth IVF cycle which unfortunately ended in 0 fertilisation. Today I texted a good friend who had asked a few days ago how it was going, and I told her what had happened. I was so taken aback by her reply. 

A bit about her... This friend has over the years been a commitment-phobe and despite having quite a few relationships has always shyed away from settling down. She has always known we've been trying for a baby, and in the past we've talked about how we're not getting any younger, and I've helped her with bbt charting. Anyway, in February this year she met a man online and by April they'd decided to buy a house together. They bought a wreck of a house which they're now about 3/4 of the way through doing up.

Now back to today's text.. Well after me telling her how devastated we were that our IVF hadn't worked, she replied there was no easy time to say this but her and her DP are pregnant. She found out on her birthday, over a month ago and she's had a scan and baby's heartbeat is strong and she's getting fat!

I just feel totally heartbroken   I just think it's so unfair that my DH and I have been together for 12 years, got married, waited until we were financially secure and have a nice home and can't get pregnant, while she spends her 20's and early 30's ******* around, finally settles down and within 6 months of buying a house together she's pregnant.

Since this morning I have felt all sorts of emotions. Mainly I feel just empty (once again). I've really felt like I'm on the verge of tears most of the day and if I'd let myself I probably would have cried all day. I know I 'should' feel happy for her, but I just don't. I feel like life is dealing me yet another huge portion of ****   All day I've had negative thoughts towards her and told myself reasons why she'll never be happy. 

I haven't replied to her text because I simply have no idea what to say. I don't want to lose a friend over this, but at the same time I can't congratulate her or tell her how happy I am for her, because I don't want to pretend I'm ok with her announcement and I don't want to lie.

Please help and tell me what you think I should say to her?? 

Thank you xx


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## Roxymurphy (Jun 2, 2012)

My heart really goes out to you. Every time someone else tells me they are pregnant I have to try not to hate that person and then I feel really guilty for feeling like that. I list all the reasons why they are 'less deserving' than my DH and I... Which then makes me feel like a really sh*tty person for being such a cow.

I think you've got 3 choices

If you don't want to cause bad feelings Say congratulations and grin and bear feeling like you are.

Say you are happy for her but it is really hard for you to hear all the gory details and not to blame you if you are distant at times for self preservation. This risks her not reacting well.

Naff her off. But maybe give yourself some time to get over the shock and hurt to see if that is what you really want.


The ONLY thing I can think in these situations is that the day me and DH get our 2 blue lines will be uncomparibly amazing compared to the feeling that these people get when it has come to them so easily!!

Thinking of you. 

Xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Cay23 I can completely sympathise, my three best friends fro muni all of whom have spent most of their 20s trying to "find themselves" have had babies in the last year and a half.

Two of them fell pregnant in the fist two months of trying and one was three months gone before she realised.

If actually been with my DH the shortest amount of time but we both have good careers and we got married a year ago so finding out that this may not happen for us was hard.

What has made it harder was listening to silly things my friends said before and after they found out about our issues, one example was the "devastation" one of my friend felt because it took two months for her to get pregnant and her baby wouldn't be a Leo! I joke you not! The same friend had her baby the week I bled on the 2ww and getting the birth announcement by txt was pretty much like a knife in my heart. I spoken o her a couple of weeks ago and she professed to understand exactly how I feel over IF because she had postnatal depression and couldn't even look at her little girl some days! I wanted to hang up the phone at that point!

Instead I took a nice deep breath and explained to her that it isn't anywhere near the same thing!

I understand what you say about not wanting to lose a friend, I feel like I am losing my three best friends all at the same time, the don't know what o say to me and I don't know how to handle their happiness.

So I said this to them I just explained how hard it is for me to speak to them and hear their babies in the back ground let alone meet up, luckily we live quite a long way away from each other so its easy to avoid meeting regularly, I told them I am scared of losing them and they all understood, we speak every now and them but not like we used to and apart from family and my boss nobody else knows so some times I feel very alone.

If you value your friends friendship just be honest with her and tell you find it hard to cope with other peoples baby happiness at the moment and you are hoping that this will change in the future as you become more able to cope and if she can try to imagine how you feel and be patient you would be most grateful.

I hope it goes okay and if you need to talk remember many of us on here understand exactly how you feel!

Hugs

Pudding
X


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Cay23,

I found it so hard to cope with friends' pregnancies too, some I just distanced myself from if they were not that close or were too full of their pregnancies, particularly those who knew I couldn't conceive naturally, others who were sensitive I found more easy to deal with.

If yours is a good friend and obviously trying to be as understanding as a fertile person can be, and to her credit she did recognise there was "no easy time to say this", then I would be honest and tell her as kindly as you can that you treasure her friendship but are finding things to do with pregnancy hard.

I ended up losing quite a few friends through infertility as I just couldn't stomach their effortless pregnancies, & even now after being blessed with an IVF miracle I feel I have little in common with other mums as I have absolutely nothing to contribute to discussions of how "hard" looking after a little baby is - it SO isn't after multiple rounds of IVF.

I wish you every success on your journey and hope that you can one day join your friend in her happiness.

Hugs,

B xxx


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## Cay23 (Jan 12, 2011)

Thank you so much for all your advice ladies 

This is what I've texted back to her:



> Congratulations! Thank you for telling me - I understand it must have been difficult for you. I'm glad to be part of your happiness but I'm sure you'll understand it's painful for me. I'm happy for you, but my heart is sad for what DH and I still don't have. Please be patient with us - our grief at the moment is just too fresh but we both wish you all the best. xx


What do you think? I really don't want to lose my friend but right now I can't deal with her pregnancy. I feel like the dynamic of our friendship is bound to change now she's moving into this stage of her life and I feel left behind. She's got quite a few mummy friends already so once again I'm going to get left out 

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to cope a bit more with her situation.

xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Your txt was great, you expressed your happiness for her and explained your sadness for yourselves.

I think it is important to be honest with people and of they are real friends they will understand.

I know how you feel about feeling left out but I think that sometimes we exclude ourselves to protect us from feeling upset but we have to do what we are comfortable with and  I am personally hoping that it will get easier with time.

In the meantime you have a whole forum full of new friends who understand how you feel and are ready and willing to chat and support you anytime.

Pudding
X


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