# Name Change



## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

I just wondered what people's views are on this.

I'm worried about an unusual name that we don't feel safe with


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We had a name change but our lo was only 6 months at the time. Although not actually an unusual name in itself it was in his age group. Only 18 in the whole of the U.K. In his year of birth. As BF are only about 8 miles from us we felt it was very necessary.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I think it really depends on circumstances.

We kept our little man's name as it was (even though he has a REALLY unusual and easily traceable middle name). There were however no security issues, so no reason to change. In addition, his middle name is linked to his birth family so we felt it was an important part of him.

With our little lady it was slightly different as there _were_ security issues and she had a very unusual first name that would also be easily traced. Both LA's involved supported our decision to change, and we came up with a (more common) name that is formed from her birth name.

On the whole we have always been against changing names (when it's for no good reason), but when there are possible security issues involved, surely their safety and that of your family must take priority, even if that means 'tweaking' their birth name.

It's a difficult decision I know 

x x


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

We have been linked to a baby with an unusual name. Due to security issues her SW has put her name change in lawyers hands to do before placement. I think this is very unusual but is necessary for her protection.

If its a security issue then speak with your SW about it. 

L x


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

I worry about calling a really unusual name out and being worried that it will be recognised by someone. It's such a small world.

I guess it's something I will have to worry about when that bridge is there for us to cross. 

I would of course also love to name our child a name of our choice but can also see the reasoning in keeping the name.

I just wondered what other adopters had done


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Our name is very common but beautiful so we kept it and the middle name. We just thought it would help her with her identity when she's older and had no reason to change it. I totally understand though why people change the names if they are unusual and due to security reasons x


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

We are in the middle of legal process for AO. We have decided to change the spelling of LO first name as BM spelt it wrong when registering birth and the spelling was different to the name she is actually called. we have kept the middle name but also added the name of my husbands sister who recently died. x


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

We changed our little one's name and kept it as a middle name - she was 6 months when we found out about her and 9 months when she came home. our sw said she would have been concerned if we hadn't wanted to change it. Seems to differ from agency to agency as to their views. good luck


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## liveinhope (Jan 8, 2008)

With both of ours they have kept their birth first names and we have added an additional middle name.  To be fair our daughter's first name was hyphenated, so we have removed the hyphen and made it 2 separate names.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

We kept our ds first name but changed his middle name as it wouldn't have sounded right with our surname. We gave him my dads name as a new middle name instead. Never crossed our mind to change his first name as be live a good 2/3 hours drive away. If we felt he would have been put at risk we wouldn't have hesitated changing his first name


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## Mumanddad (Apr 6, 2014)

We are in a similar position we haven't got lo home yet but we feel lo name is not common and were concerned about it but sw said we could not change it as they felt it was more common than we did.
The reasons we asked  about a name change in our case is that in sw words bm is scary and manipulative, we have been kept completly anonymous


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## dimplesforever (Aug 1, 2014)

Mumanddad it might be worth checking online how many children were registered with that name of his/her birth which might either reassure you or give you evidence to show the sw.

My LO's name is not common but not as rare as some mentioned up the thread.  I decided on balance to keep it as he has been named after BF and the name is coming back into fashion. I am however, changing his middle name as that was also quite an unpopular name and the combination of the two names was v identifying.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Mumanddad our sw said exactly he same thing to us! I said the name was very unusual which she disputed so I reiterated and said ok not an unusual name in itself but for a child it is. Then we found the statistics and it was 18 for his year of birth so she was talking tripe! 
We did foster to afoot so lo was already with us when we went to matching panel. When we went to panel it was raised (think sw had been trying to stir it to prove a point and feel that "we hadn't got one over on her!) and lo's sw was in agreement with us as was every single panel member! She was asked to explain her reasoning against it and was shot down in flames by another sw who was on the panel who had previously had dealings with BF. That sw was categoric that it shouldn't even be an option to keep name because BF  posed such a risk and were so close.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you believe it to be right you probably are, sw's don't always do what's best as sometimes they're so blinkered to the theory of how things should be when we live in the real world!
I will also openly say I'm very glad we had the opportunity to change the name, we hated it and it had already caused some very undesirable reactions from people when we had to use it. So for lo's sake I'm glad it's now a nice normal name that he won't be ridiculed for.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We changed both our Lo names due to security issues..

Just to put the small world in context...I was selling something on **, on a nationwide selling group. Who pops up wanting it but birth Aunty?!? Imagine! An there's over 150miles between us...


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

This is my point exactly. 

It's such a small world. Every time birth family hear the name of LO called out their ears will instantly prick up it would be a natural reaction.


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## Beckyboo3 (Jan 18, 2011)

Hi 
Our LO we are matched with has slightly unusual name but we have a birth son who has a very unusual name not weird !! But not very common !! (We chose it  ) 

Today we had a meeting with all SW' s regarding introductions and we were talking about meeting birth parents and the child's SW mentioned she has spoken to birth mum about us and told her all our names ?! Our SW was not very happy at all especially with our sons name being mentioned but there is nothing we can do now but we would have not shared his name.

It's a difficult situation but you have to think long term and safety.

Beckyboo x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Beckyboo, Oh my word I'd be utterly livid!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

It's a really hard one and should never, ever be taken lightly.  

If it's for genuine security reasons - i.e. it's distinctive AND birth family are a risk, not one or the other alone - then it's simply necessary, no arguments.  This was the case in our circumstances, and SW had already started changing his name before he came home to us.

I think it's worth thinking about conversations you're going to having with your child in the future, both as children and as adults.  Or, worse, imagine you never had those conversations, and you're no longer around and they're opening a file which tells them you didn't like the name their birth family gave them.... None of us want a situation where our child thinks we were ashamed of their natural name, or that it didn't suit our ideas for our family, or that we didn't them to be uniquely themselves, of that we wanted to sever ties with their origins in any way possible.

So sometimes it's not about our reasons for doing it, but how those reasons might be interpreted.  And sometimes protecting our child is about protecting them from emotional hurt as well as potential risk of harm from the birth family.

But then, Bug's name was changed, so I'm talking from that perspective!


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

our LA dont allow name changes, we are actively encouraged to keep the birth name and add a middle name. There is no discussion or negotiation with SW they simply say accept the name and if you can't accept the name, maybe this child isn't the right one for you and your family. Sounds harsh, but these are the exact words of our SW  

They do this for all the reasons that AoC has mentioned in the above post, its about keeping the child's identity and embracing it, not changing it! although I do understand the security and safety concerns, its a difficult one. Our LA is very small and birth family live close to us yet we were not allowed to change names.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

You see this is where I do differ in opinion re the whole name is so important to belonging and identity. I have 3 adult friends all adopted, all had happy upbringings and always knew about adoption and all had name changes. Not a single one of them thinks their birth name was who they are etc, they are who they are because of their upbringing and Not a name. I understand there will be those for whom it is an issue but equally I feel there are just as many that it isn't. I think the most important thing about them and their identity is being open throughout and accepting of their backgrounds.
I feel a lot of what's been said re adoptees struggling with name changes is based on research of adult adoptees where this is just "part" of the issue, where they've had very little if any knowledge of their adoption and BF. If they'd had the upbringing of most adoptees today where the information is there for them and openly discussed would they still feel the way they do about the name?


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It's a very emotive subject isn't it.... My daughter has a name I wouldn't have chosen, but a name I always considered was ok. Now I love it because I love her! Her social worker suggested changing the spelling of it and we actually said no as we had fallen for her and written her name in conversations with family and a new spelling didn't feel like it was still her... Not explaining this well!! Anyway we were encouraged to choose a new middle name, so now she has first name from birth mother, middle name is the same as mummy's and her surname is from daddy, a gift from all who love her! I must say of all my friends who have adopted, and thankfully there are now many, I genuinely really like all of the children's names! And luckily no big security risks etc, obviously that may totally change all my thoughts around this xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Our social worker was also of the camp of 'if this name isn't right then the whole match isn't right, move on'.... Very stern words


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah Lolly that is lovely and I do get what you mean completely.
With our little man no one could gel with his name and it always felt like they were talking about someone else when we heard it or saw it. It just wasn't an appropriate name at all and he would have been completely ridiculed for it at school etc. I even had Dr's receptionist questioning it and repeating it several times because they didn't believe they'd heard right.
His name was an abbreviation for one thing which in itself was strange so we compromised and went with the unabbreviated version as a middle name and I love that.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Ah Becs that's a lovely compromise, and very different circumstances. I wouldn't want to subject my child to any kind of opportunities to be teased eyc if I could possibly help it so can see why you've safeguarded your son in that way. As long as they know the reasons behind your decisions and know it was done through love and with their interests at heart I'm sure your boy will be accepting, and probably thankful for your choices


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I hope so Lolly, you can only do what you think is right. We're comfortable with our reasons and in explaining it to him when he's older. It was part of the reason but there are issues with it being so identifiable and BF being a risk and also being so close so ultimately there wasn't really an option.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Sounds like you're handling it brilliantly, Becs.  

We were told, "if you can't bond with the name, then maybe it's not the right match for you," during prep training, but it was delivered in a very, "it's okay, you're allowed to say, 'I can't handle that name', no-one will judge you,'" kind of way, so rather more supportive than stern.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

You see I find that so bizarre that because you don't like a name you don't like the child? Our son is utterly amazing and completely perfect for us and always has been. His name However wasn't.
There are some really awful names out there, what happens if a child has such a terrible name that no one can get past it, is no one the right match for the child? 
I guess what I'm trying to say is sw's come out with these "standard" lines and theories and yet there are always situations where it isn't appropriate, so to be telling potential adopters that it's tough could be jeopardising many potential perfect matches in my opinion. 
Of course it's something that shouldn't be taken lightly and always given a great deal of thought to, but I've yet to meet an adopter who's child's welfare is not always their first thought. I just wish sw's would give us some credit sometimes in knowing what is best for our child who are very real people and not text book case studies.


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## Mumanddad (Apr 6, 2014)

Thanks for all the fab advice ladies  

Becs40 how did you find out how many babies born that year had the same name as your lo?


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi mumanddad,
This website here is for 2014 which is the latest, at the time of making our decision we had to base it on 2013 and assume figure would be similar. It was 14 in 2013 and 18 in 2014 but it was very useful in helping us and sw to see just how unusual it was in his age range because its not an unusual name in itself at all.
http://names.darkgreener.com
Good luck to you, I see you're on a very similar path to the one we had. Many ups and downs and heartache but so so worth it.


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

I too have three friends who are adopted and they all had their names changed and don't have a problem.

i really hope we have a name we like or I will really want to change it. 

Hope it doesn't cause problems for us as its not what it is all about at all. It's just an important part of it


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We was also told if we don't like a name then to move on but it's not the case at all. My eldest son I could have lived with his name but wasn't my personal choice, my youngest no way on earth would we have kept it. It's a made up name which would instantly be linked with a trouble maker sounding name so just not fair at all. There's no way he could have put that name on a CV and be taken seriously. Sorry. It's just not a good name!!!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I have to laugh.    Just typed Bug's birth name into that name finder and there are NO records for any years....


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Same here!!


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

We changed all three, for security reasons and cos they were awful and embarrassing. I am not bothered if that makes me sound bad because I am not one of those people who believe that you have to do as you are told. We were told we weren't allowed so fought it at panel, was allowed but got into trouble anyway, and then did it again with third child. Adopted children don't belong to the state they belong to their parents. Our children would have been treated differently for life cos of their awful names, and unbelievably traceable.  Our eldest was nearly four at the time and didn't bat an eye lid, she loves her name and helped choose it. 
I am adopted and I had my name changed and I am glad cos that was awful too. 
Ss don't know we have changed youngests but they have no power over him anymore. 
Adoption doesn't mean you are less of a parent it can mean you are more of a parent, so if the child is right but the name isn't change it even if you have to wait for the order first.


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

Frangi - i'm interested that you say sw dont know you changed your youngest name....does that mean you brought him home calling him his birth name? then changed it on the adoption order papers? 
how did you handle the name change with the older siblings at home? and how did you transition the name with the LO? especially during the time when sw were visiting before the adoption order?

i ask only because we wish to change dc4 name - and thought we would need to do so before baby comes home so not to confuse our children. i had not imagined we could bring baby home with birth name, then change it at a later date....so i'm curious how you played things if you don't mind me asking - a PM if you'd prefer lol....  Thanks!  (we changed dc2 name, but kept dc1 as he was 3...) we have not talked to sw as yet about the name change, as we do not have any ideas, just that we cannot live with THAT name - plus the security risks etc etc


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

With us we started calling lo our chosen name as soon as we'd decided to change which was pretty much immediately but always referred to him by birth name in front of sw until we'd had the conversation!


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Ritzi, Yes we brought him home and then waited until he had attached to us and then double barrelled his name until we thought he was ready - as well as his siblings and then changed it completely. we played a game with social services and to this day they still don't know. first time round we argued before panel that we wanted them changing and they gave us permission. however when we did it they went mad, saying we shouldn't have done it which to us and our agency meant that they had hoped to persuade us out of it. they would never have managed that. BM's ******** was full of their pictures and their names - probably only five other girls in country named that name and not the same birth year, and her ******** was full of notices say - we will find you and never give up trying. 
to change their names - the eldest two we asked their permission (the kids), let dd choose hers and then had a little pretend ceremony. we told dd that we would keep hold of her history. she was very happy and still is, we do talk about her past and give her the chance to ask anything. 
Sometimes to get what you want you have to bend the rules slightly and we wanted these kids. and it was the right decision cos we have an awesome family. I don't believe that if you don't like the name you shouldn't adopt the child, it is not that simply. If dd was older then we would have struggled. 
sorry if this makes no sense, trying to type and put kids to bed lol - oh the joys. 
sorry to all who think this isn't pc but I as an adopted person who has had a name change I believe I did the right thing. xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I think that's spot on frangipanni. I think often ss are too focussed on playing things by the PC book and as you say it's often not that simple. I'm sure all adopters have their children's best interests at heart and a name change may be to keep them safe or to give them the normal childhood they deserve. Adoption should be their story to tell if they wish and not to have to bring it up to explain an inappropriate name every time it's used.
There's way too much emphasis put on children's names and I do understand the reasoning behind it but our children are more than just a name and sometimes the best thing for that child is to be given an alternative name. No one is denying their birth name existed or its significance and it will all be there to them in their life story book. It's about the big picture and not the detail.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Frangi I totally agree with you...My youngest would have been treated differently if we kept his birth name because that's the world we live in. As shallow an awful as it sounds I definately would have laughed at a person with that name an thought they could never amount to much (honestly it's awful!) 

We too was told we shouldn't change them and changed without permission and just wrote it on the AO application form...Ss still write to him as X so who knows if they even know. 

X


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## Kelloggs (Aug 15, 2011)

Just found out the name of the little one we are linked with.. there were only 49 babies born in 2014 with that name so i will be speaking to our social worker to change it. I feel that is too risky xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Kellogs

Congrats on your link  

Please would you mind sharing where you found those stats regarding how many children there are with a certain name within a  specific year?

Thank you!
DE


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## Kelloggs (Aug 15, 2011)

There's a link on page 3 of this thread. Our little one who we may be matched with was born this year so can't see that stats for that but still gives you a good idea xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

So there is     

Note to self, read entire thread before commenting  

Will check out that website - thanks Kellogs!
X


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think the whole issue is a difficult one.  

Our daughter's name had to be changed because of security issues.  It was basically a made up name and that combined with the concerns about her birth father led the Judge with jurisdiction in the case to order that her name should be changed on placement.  There are no other children with the same name born in the same year.  I was against changing a name where it wasn't absolutely necessary and we looked at simply correcting the spelling, but essentially it was still not a name and very rare, so we decided to change the name completely.  She was old enough to know her name and be be very confused by the change, but nowhere near old enough to understand why it had to be changed, or even that it was a choice not just that everyone was getting it wrong.  It was scary and confusing for her at a very scary and confusing time and I would urge people to think about this where a name change comes down to personal taste.  Having said that some names are very stand out and the child has to live with it for life, and it is a balance.  When we had our son we were told that we could change his name if we wanted to.  I actually like the name even though it isn't one I'd have chosen myself.  It's relatively mainstream and wouldn't raise eyebrows, and so we kept it.  At first I found it awkward, but I got used to it pretty quickly.

Wyxie xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Just completing deed poll anyone explain the witness and declarant side of things so confused as to what we have to do, how we do it and who signs what and when. Got four of them to do x


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