# Angry...frustrated...helpless



## Bela (Mar 26, 2014)

Anyone feeling like me, or is this forum overtaken by peaceful, hopeful zen future mums, *who don't really care* about the overwhelming fact that they've been trying for a year now, ovulate regularly (and saw their matured, ready egg on the USG), and their CM is beautiful and fertile and they BD all the right time...and their DH is quite fine too, maybe his soldiers are a bit less than they could be but hey, nobody's perfect!...And they wait those two weeks and even though they're not supposed to focus their attention on it they do, because it's impossible not to..Do everything they possibly can to make it happen, don't drink, don't smoke, do yoga, acupuncture, eat healthy sh**! all the time (despite they crave junk for a change), read about fertility, and trust when doctors say _it will happen eventually just give it some time_ If I am healthy and not too old, why is it taking so long?
But there goes my favourite, that patronising all knowing '_it's ok, you have not been trying that long_', or even worse _'you chose to do other things an have a child later'_...  I but tried to do everything in the right order, finish my edu, marry, get a house and then...Then be mature and comfortable enough to have a baby...What's wrong with being responsible? Why drunks, junkies and teens are getting pregnant all the time? Why all my friends are having babies without much effort? Why there's a woman in this country with 20 kids and still trying!!! Why unemployed people on benefits breed like they don't know any better. And I am so proper it's ridiculous in times when evil is rewarded big bonuses. What have I ever done to deserve this misery of being unfit to get pregnant when all I want is just that? A simple right of every woman. 
My reason tells me don't do it to yourself, don't be so harsh, don't compare, let go you can't do anything about it right now...But everything else screams: WHY?!


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Bela

I feel exactly the same as you inside!

You are not alone!

I think the reason that so many women on here are as you put it "zen like" is because we have had to find a place to exist.

I thought I had a place, a place where I waited for the "right time" to have a baby like you after we did all the things we wanted to do and established ourselves in the right position to provide for a child, and then to find out that that may never happen rocks your entire world, it smashes everything you thought you knew and everything you hoped for, it reduces you to nothing.

So you see I do know how you feel and I think many women on here know how you feel and feel the same way, perhaps like me they have had to find that place to exist because without it we would go under, all the way under and never come back up.

Everyday I have to fight the feelings of fear and terror that my next cycle won't work and that it will ever work! Just writing this has reduced me to tears.

I've watched all of my friends have babies, previously irresponsible silly people who have just drifted through life, one who didn't even notice she was pregnant for three months! and cried why not me, but that will just drag me back under. 

Right now I have to exist in my place and do what I can to change my next cycle and make is successful, weightloss, changed drug protocol and lots of other things and I have to actively tell myself not to look outside of myself and focus on my treatment!

A wise woman on here once told me don't think about other women having babies you don't want their baby you want yours! It helped me I hope it will help you too!

Like I said I know exactly how you feel and I am sure most of the women on here who are yet to have a baby or to complete their family feel the same way it's just all about survival!

Much love.

Pudding
X


----------



## Bela (Mar 26, 2014)

Thank you Pudding. I guess I needed that. I needed to hear that it's not ok and that not everyone is just fine and getting about life. I'm tired of putting up a brave front  
I'm sad and anxious inside and now outside too. I hope I'll find a place which you spoke off, hope I'll figure out where my strength went. But now I'm desperate.

Came across this: http://gateway-women.com/life-isnt-fair/ 
I suppose it could interest you too. Take care! 

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites.


----------



## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Bela you are far from being alone hun - but gp's will say straight away that a couple without any fertility issues can take up to two years to conceive.  We went t our gp after 3 years of trying and were fobbed off with the 'you're both young fit and healthy' line, whereas if our concerns had been taken seriously, we'd have found out that nothing could be further from the truth.  We didn't actually fulfil our dream for 15 years, I could be very bitter, but I'm just thankful we have our ICSI miracle.
Hugs
Sheila


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Hi Bela

You know it's funny, when I was studying law at university a girl in one of my classes kept saying "that isn't fair" in the end the lecturer walked right up to her and said "life isn't fair the sooner you realise that the happier your life will be" that has always stuck in my mind perhaps it has helped me in this more than I realised!

I know what you mean about the brave front, the quick replies when people ask whether you have kids, and then the follow up question of why not! I'm tired of saying "oh maybe one day"!

I'm also on guard all the time for any possible "happy announcements" and live in fear of them!

Like I said my darling you are far from alone there are many of us in the same position, finding the place to exist is easier than you would think, just let go of the anger and concentrate on the next step for you, whether it's tests or treatment and if all else fails come on here and rant it always helps me!

Pudding
X


----------



## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

I feel for you. The desire to have a child is strong and all-consuming. If it helps - ignore those who insist that it's not happening because you think about it too much. It's impossible not to think about it. I eventually got pregnant (and now have a daughter) even though my bathroom was like a laboratory of sticks to pee on. First ovulation then pregnancy tests. Although people kept saying 'i told you it would happen when you least expected' that wasn't the case. The only thing I had changed was that January had been a very social month and I had been drinking alcohol again (had worked most of Xmas so it was my treat). I expected another BFN but got a BFP (with a bit of a hangover -oops) Don't give up hope - but maybe schedule in a few more treats along the way. Fingers crossed for you xx


----------



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

You're quite right, Pudding, life isn't fair but everything inside us wants to ask why and at least find a reason.
The only reason is the obvious one, I suppose, our bodies just aren't working properly. It's just sheer bad luck. It's the same with all health issues, I have several and I did nothing to deserve any of them. 
What does make me mad is all these people who have so many kids, not just one or two and seem to think they've done something wonderful! (Over population, anyone?!) The bad parents make me even madder and they never seem to have any trouble conceiving!
It's a cliche, I know but all you can do is live one day at a time. The feelings might be easier to cope with tomorrow or next week. That's all I do, anyway, live one day at a time. Work helps, I find, so does anything that distracts me for a while.
Take care.

Rxx


----------



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi Bela and ladies  

Yes, I feel like this and have done for the large part of the last 4 years.  It's a miserable place to be and sometimes I scare myself with how bitter, consumed by fear and angry I am.

I try to find my inner Zen, do the yoga and actually just just to remember how to be a nice person but deep down I think of nothing else.  I don't feel like I will ever get away from it, especially as I see my husband with his own children all of the time. I love them too but it rips my heart out, there's no respite from the yearning and hurt.

I find it incredibly hard with all of the 'you still have time yet' approaches from lovely and well meaning ladies.  With not a penny left for another try, zero chance of natural pregnancy and both my mum and sister starting the menopause at 42... I could have all the time left in the world and it doesn't matter a jot.

I love the Gateway Women website, it does help, particularly because it's mostly for women who are having to accept and live with a plan b that they don't want but are stuck with.  I keep thinking about their courses as the next step if my little frostie doesn't make it.  God, I hope it does and I don't need to.

Sending you lots of


----------



## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

I don't feel zen like!! I feel angry, desperately sad and utterly devastated to be honest. I've even been feeling almost suicidal at times because I just want the never ending pain to go away. It feels like there is no way out and that no-one understands and that you are in a deep dark hole you can't get out of, like the world is spinning and people are carrying on with their lives and we are just stuck. It's not fair and it's awful and it hurts so much and it's ok to not be ok with it. Feel angry, scream, cry, do whatever you feel you need to do. We are all here and we all feel the same way, you are not alone that's for sure. I wish you every success and hope we all get our beautiful babies one day. xxxx


----------



## Grinny (Jun 6, 2014)

Hi Ladies, 

Hope its ok for me to join in your Chat. 

I've been reading the past posts and it sounds like just the post I needed today.

Bela - I think I might be guilty a little bit of being Zen. I do meditate and do yoga but I only do this becuase I find it is the only thing that calms down my anxiety about the future. 

I am having one of those day when it feels all consuming. There are 4 people at work who are pregnant. I cant walk into a room without seeing a bump. One of the women got pregnant the week after me last time and then I miscarried - on the day she got her confired BFP. I cant tell you how much it hurts to see her pregnancy progressing despite caring for her as a friend. 

Then there is one of my best friends who is 7 weeks and has told the sister of a mutal friend and not me. Like Im a leper - like becuase I don't know if I will have a baby I dont deserve the common decency of being treated like an adult. 

Im so hurting today. All I can think about is my losses, my fear of the future and how I'm sick of it seemingly being so easy. 

I never thought about my surgery as a child that caused these problems. But now I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world. 

If I cant have a baby - fine. But I want to know!!! Not be caught in this desperate spiral of 1 step forward two steps back. I have a life I want to get on. 

I cant remember what it felt like to be normal. Not to hurt. Not to think what would have been. its the EDD of my first pregnancy next month - maybe thats what is triggering all this. 

Anyway, I'm sorry - welcome to the thread Grinny. I've probably depressed everyone. I just needed to get it out. I just feel so sad, so fragile and so hurt. 

Thanks for reading.


----------



## Bela (Mar 26, 2014)

Hello Ladies and thank you for keeping this thread going. 

I read all the comments. It helps to know that I'm not alone even though the thing that connects us is (in)fertility related. 

I am still frustrated and tense but trying to keep it under my skin. I do yoga and acupuncture, both help me relax. I also drink lemon balm tea, it's a wonderful herb. I'm good   most of the time, except when I get PMT and realise that yet another cycle has passed and I didn't conceive. 

I recently pondered upon one rarely discussed issue, self-blame for not ttc earlier, in my 20s. I could have, I was married already, didn't have the kind of stability I do now but so what! I suppose I'm being angry at myself for not being smart enough (then) to consider possible fertility issues later on. That's the worst kind of hopeless, unnecessary and destructive  anger. But I can't help it  

Little77 congrats! 
I too stopped drinking, minimised intake of junk food, don't smoke etc. keeping with all the commandments...and it got me nowhere!   But around last ovu I had a drink and best BD in ages...so I might reconsider having a bit of alcohol every now and then. And honestly, all the couples with healthy kids I know, conceived while intoxicated. So...it has a ring to it  

To end on a positive note. I've started reading this book called "The impatient woman's guide to getting pregnant" (J.Twenge). It didn't help me get pregnant but it's funny and written by one of us. I appreciate that what I'm feeling is addressed there in such an enjoyable and engaging way. I do recommend it.

Best of luck to all of Us!

Ps. I've been finally referred to a fertility specialist! I'm still hoping that IT happens naturally, but now also have a safety net which is a good thing.


----------



## queenie81 (Nov 21, 2013)

I agree with a lot of what you have said Bela. I think us women act 'zen like' because we have to. The alternative for me is crying until I drown in my own tears, not going to work, having no friends and generally leading a more miserable life than the one I already live. I go to yoga, practice mindfulness, have spent so much money on counselling/acupuncture/nutritionist in an attempt to ease the pain that is burning me inside. You are not alone xxx


----------



## Bela (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks queenie81 x
Feeling more hopeful lately for I'm being assesed by Assisted Conception, but at the same time dreading the 'final' verdict...It's weird and scary and exciting. Although  still get frustrated seeing those happy&fulfilled - but tired and 'oh! you don't know how hard it is' - mothers while trying to focus on myself and my life. 

My good thoughts to all of you having a bad day, week, month! xo


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm glad you started this thread too Bela, and that you're in a bit of a better place now. I have to confess to having read when you first posted but being so angry at the time that it wasn't safe for me to reply as I certainly didn't feel 'zen-like'. I was SO angry I can even remember thinking of your age and wishing that I'd known then what I know now, not a nice thing to have to admit, I'm sorry as never meant to minimise your very real pain  I think I was in such a bad place though that no-one was safe from my anger, least of all myself and, unfortunately, my DH.  I feel I too have so much in common with you all and, like sickofwaiting, I've felt almost suicidal too. Helpfully, along the way I have also developed a dependency on strong painkillers too. Started off for physical pain but I soon realised they helped with emotional pain too and so abused them dangerously.

I got quite a bit better, DH seemed to get on board with BDing after months of issues there and I made sure that we did 'nice' things together like food or cinema. I was in counselling and making good progress towards safely cutting the painkillers out of my system. 

But then AF comes, she's kind of the only guarantee I have, as you all know every month brings fresh devastation. 

So today I'm not in work, I hit a wall yesterday and walked out. My kidneys hurt from taking too many tablets. I want them gone as know they'll be doing nothing for my chances and would be dangerous if I did get pregnant. As I'm off work now I want to go 'cold turkey' but still, pathetically, I cling to the desperate thought of 'what if it has worked?' and if a miracle happened and I was pregnant, I risk miscarriage by stopping. It's the most awful negative cycle I've ever experienced and, as much as I know that the responsibility for using these tablets is mine and mine alone, I also can't help feel angry towards my hapless GP who has prescribed these for months when it clearly states that using for more than three days can cause addiction! 

I started reading 'Rocking The Life Unexpected' yesterday (thanks molly!) and didn't think I was angry at anyone other than for my DH on the months where he refused to BD. Boy was I wrong! Like you said Bela I'm angry with myself for being so naive and not doing something about this sooner. I'm angry with the NHS for allowing me to wait on a poorly organised system for almost four years knowing that I was already over 36. I'm even annoyed that my mother raised me well and encouraged me to study at school, go to Uni and gave me positive messages about contraception and safe sex. There's so much more, my hope is though that recognising it all and letting it out will help me get rid of some of this anger. Am consumed and know it's no good for me or my relationships with others. That's my hope anyway!

Apologies for my rant, am off to listen to my relaxation CD now!  Hope you all have a good day,   to you all.xx


----------



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Sending you the hugest   Missmayhem.

This is the hardest thing that I have ever been through, which is a huge thing to say with my past.  I too have struggled terribly with anger, massively and horribly.  I have shocked myself many times, it's like a bubbling geyser, I can feel it there and  suddenly it triggers and blows.  It's horrible but I feel like I'm drowning when it happens and there's nothing that I can do to stop it.

I walked out of work too    I was in a meeting and it all just seemed so utterly stupid and pointless that I got up and left.  What I really wanted to do was upturn a table, but I didn't  

I hope that you have a decent time off work to start rebuilding yourself.  I took two weeks, in all honesty I needed 3.  I'm still not back to it, I can barely achieve a single thing during the day, but I am starting to feel like I might want to (soon   )  The NHS are shocking with their treatment of fertility in general but also with mental health.  I'm so sorry about your problem with painkillers, it is so easily done when it gives you a numbing feeling.  Poor lovely xxx

I think that our age makes it feel a whole lot more hopeless.  It is that bit where you do have to start seriously thinking / accepting that life might never be how you dreamed.  That's huge.  I found Jody Day's book really good for that, I can't accept it all yet (it took her a decade) and some parts still make me feel angry but I can see a future now.  It isn't one that I want but it could be as good as it can be.

That's really [email protected] isn't it    I blame my mother too, and my abusive ex for making me determined not to get pregnant when I could have, and my DH's ex for 'not believing in contraception', myself for not realising how important time was or for not knowing about my own fertility down to the very atom that I do now, at DH getting a vasectomy....  I could go on!

Wow, it's quite therapeutic to list the things you're angry about.  Feel free to join in!

The hugest hug to all of us who find it massively hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other on too many days to count xx


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Molly, thank God for you, you always make me smile, even when I think I may never again

A bubbling geyser, such a good analogy. My work point was as I turned up to visit a mother whose relationship choices mean she risks losing her children; she wasn't home, had opted to prioritise herself. I stopped and thought WHAT am I doing!? Why am I investing so much of my energy sorting out other people's lives when (most not all) they're not interested while my own life goes down the pan. So I came home!

Today I've had counselling so tried to do something positive, stroll along the beach with one friend (taking her child out), shops and meal with another friend (controlled by her 10 year old who didn't want to come. So I went shopping on my own, bought a few things and thought will have a nice evening with DH instead. He's home before me, greets me with an 'alright' (figure of speech not actual question!) and then goes upstairs without so much as a hug. I suggest cinema later, declined. So, go to visit my mother. Endure listening to my aunt go on about so and so's baby only for my own mother to take over the helm a few minutes later. Come back home, ask DH to come for ride along the coast, grab some nice evening fish n chips, declined again as he has a bad head. So all in all haven't had much success in employing counsellor's advice to do something nice, 'distract yourself'. Instead am sat here in silence, DH upstairs, having yet another taster of what the future more than possibly holds for me! 

Sorry for so much doom and gloom, just need to let it out and nobody wants to HEAR me! Made my final mistake of trying last night and, after feeling not far off suicidal for the past few days, reached out to my best friend only to be told not to worry because it will 'get better'. So mother, sister, DH, best friend, boss all off the list. It seems only here and the counsellor (of which I only have one session left) is all I have. Hope I've not depressed anyone, hopefully sunshine tomorrow will bring a bit of positivity  . Love to all xxx


----------



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I hear you lovely xxx

Life seems so hard, all you need is someone to hear you, to be sensitive, to whisk you of for a surprise supper by the sea and to just give you a huge bear hug.  Pah to everyone who has not been there for you today, let us pick you up and dust you off.

Suicidal thoughts are something that I know a lot about, I tried from a scary young age. It is a very frightening and lonely place.  Please don't ever apologise for speaking out or shouting for help here.  Lord knows you have listened and given me enough support during our journey.

Pants to them all lovely, honestly big giant apple catcher pants to them all.  Look after yourself, do something nice just for you.  Little steps.  I had my last counselling session today and she said (in between telling me off and putting me in the naughty chair   ) to find something to mark my journey and how far I've come.  It can be anything, something that you can hold onto, keep close to your heart and have just for you as a very private momento I suppose.  I thought that was a lovely idea, maybe we can both do it?

Thinking of you, I know that life can feel so dark but please don't feel alone or that no one is listening or understanding xxx


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Yet again molly you achieved the impossible and made me smile - 'big giant apple catcher pants to them all'! It's a new one on me but it did the trick!  Thanks for allowing me to be and hearing me, we all know that nobody can really do anything practical to help but I find that those two things help so much. There's certainly no chance of me being swept off for a nice meal or anything of the sort, I'm the only one around here who arranges anything. Thankfully we have a weekend away to look forward to next week where we'll be with friends so he'll be on his happiest, most friendly behaviour! Told me last night he's not sure he's equipped to give me the emotional support I need! Good job I know that already!  A momento sounds lovely, I'm not sure what on earth I would get! I'm trying to accept but not ready to give up yet. Where are you at molly? How are you getting on with the book? How about everyone else (apologies Bella for hijacking your thread!) Love and   to you all.xx


----------

