# Dilemma



## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

I had my one and only cycle of ivf treatment at the end of last year.  It was a BFN.

DH and I have had a very intense last few weeks and have agreed that ivf is not the way forward for us and that we would prefer to adopt.  I have made contact with an agency and whilst it is early days still since my ivf treatment they have provisionally put us down for a prep course in May.  We are both delighted and excited to be moving on with adoption as this feels much more right for us than ivf ever did.

However, there is one issue that we can not decide what to do about, no matter how much we rack our brains.  We have one frozen embryo as a result of our ivf cycle.  We understand from our cons. that there is only a 60/40 chance of him defrosting and even if he does defrost a less than 1 in 5 chance of a BFP.  Our cons. suggested we do another fresh cycle, but we do not want to go there.  We are reluctant to allow our embryo to perish, I know it sounds daft, but we feel a sense of responsibility and obligation towards it.  On the other hand, we do not want any further ivf treatment that will hinder us progressing with our adoption application.

Has anyone else been in this position?


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi LornaS

I had the same decision as you to make just before Xmas, we had five embryos in storage and we had decided that after three IVF attempts that we had had enough. We thought that we would use them but after our last IVF attempt which resulted in a misc we just couldn't do it anymore. So we proceeded with adoption, we knew that we would have to let them perish, so we put off contacting the clinic, until they posted us a letter to say that at the end of each year they contact all patients to ask what they wanted to do with their embryos. So we just put down on the letter to let them perish, and it really wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to let them go. I think that we had just reached the point of no return, I can't really explain it but we just knew in our hearts that we were doing the right thing. I don't think anyone can advise you what to do you just have to make the decision together. I may have ranted on too much sorry!

I hope you find the answer to your question.

LOL Keli


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi LornaS

we  had 6 frosties and like Keli felt we could not go through more tx also like Keli we waitied until we were contacted about what we wanted to do with the embies before making a decision. in the end we decided to donate our embies for research in to stem cell tx as i couldn't bear the thought of them just perishing. it was a very difficult decision and i felt so guilty that i had embies and lots of people would love to be in my position but we had to do what was right for us. i do sometimes feel sad and wish things could of been different and i probably will always wonder "what if" but on the whole i have no regrets i did what was right for me !!

pam xx


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## Lauren (Jul 2, 2004)

Hi Lorna

We have 3 frosties from our last cycle back in March last year and although we are totally committed now to adopting we are still going to keep those embies and will pay the fee to keep them in storage indefinately.  I'm not sure how long they can be kept for in the long run but at the moment I can't find it in my heart to allow them to perish and at some point in the future once we have our adopted baby we may well attempt to use them for a second child.  But as in your situation, with only 3 embies we would be longer if they survived the thawing and even more lucky if we got a BFP.

So really what I am saying is do you actually need to make a decision or can't you just leave your frostie for now and put off the decision until it feels right for you.  If you are facing such a dilema now over what to do it probably isn't the right time to make that decision.  

As far as I know it doesn't effect your adoption if you have frosties but please if I'm wrong somebody correct me?

Lauren xxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Lorna

I haven't had experience of this but to wish all of you in this situation the strength you need to reach your decision.

Karen x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Lorna

I haven't had any embryos frozen from our cycles, but I sort of know where you're coming from, because we still have a quantity of dh's sperm in storage. To be honest we agreed to keep it stored (rather than let it perish) because we hoped that someday in the future, whether that be next year or in 5 years time, we might opt to have another go. 

We have now gone on to adopt, and are looking forward to extending our adopted family. There is still a part of me that holds out that glimmer of hope, that maybe one day....   (very unlikely though).

To me, it's last chance saloon - in a way I wished there was none left in storage, because then I'd know that the IVF path had to be left behind for good. I can't bear to think of us letting that last piece of hope vanish. I know it's sounds crazy.

We've always maintained that we're over the IVF (which we totally are now) and are fully committed to adopt (which we are 100%), but I neglected to tell anyone on the SS that we might consider going back in the future. I'm hoping that in 5 years time, that need within me, might have vanished completely and I won't want to try again anyway, but for the moment, I've got that option there, if I so choose to use it. 

I personally wish I'd been more honest with our SW from that start, but feared that it would jeopardise our chances. So it's never been mentioned. I can't honestly say whether it would do or not. I was torn about leaving it behind, at the start of this process, but 2 years on, and a young daughter later, it rarely come to mind. Maybe one day you'll feel more capable of letting go.

Best of luck in making your decision, thinking of you
x


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Thank you for all of your replies.  DH and I have decided that as we can't make a decision about our one frostie at the moment, we are going to do nothing, just leave him where he is.  We are sure that adoption is the way forward for us and I can not face anymore ivf treatment at the moment so we will just let things be.  Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out don't they.


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

Hi

We had a similar thing, although we wasnt decided on adoption at that point. We jad 2 embies frozen and they said that they would prefer another fresh cycle and any frosties from that ould all be put together...
we knew we didnt want to have any more IVF so decided to let them perish....it was quite a difficult time and we can always say "what if" when theings arent going well, but we dont regret our decision.
We were never asked when going through the home study if we had any frosties or not...

Anyway as tough as it is.....im sure that you will both make the right decision.

Natsxx


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## Emcon (Oct 11, 2005)

Hi

We too have recently faced a similar dilemma.  Hubby and I always thought that when the time to decide what to do about our embie came round we would just let it perish, but when the letter arrived in November last year, hubby was ready to let go but I just couldn't.  We have paid for another year's storage and I am hoping that once we adopt I will be able to move on and let go of this embie, I just feel that we went to hell and back to produce it and whilst I could not face anymore treatment I just cannot let go!  

I am glad that we have kept it because I think I will know when the time is right to let go, it just isn't yet.  We did not disclose this to our SW but not because it was a secret she just hasn't asked and I guess we haven't thought to mention it, however I don't think I would bring it up now in case it did jeopardise our chances.

Em


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