# Can you choose to use a donor if you don't need to??



## Bluebottle (Nov 12, 2007)

Hello all,

I'm still fairly new here, and just wanted to ask if any of you know the answer to this. DH and I have been TTC for 2 years, and we DH NOA diagnosed late last year. We are awaiting a biopsy at the moment, but in the interim I am trying to look into all options. If the worst happens and they can't find any sperm (we will repeat the test, we're not giving up straight away!) ... do you know if you can CHOOSE to use donor sperm AND a donor egg ... even if mine are fine The reason I'm asking is that DH is having a really hard time with the concept of donor sperm with my egg .... then he will always know the child would be biologically mine but not his. I completely understand this .... but of course selfishly I want my own child. BUT ... I don't want this if it puts our relationship in jeopardy. We have a very good life and we are very happy ... we just have a huge void when it comes to children. I still want to be able to go through the pregnancy etc, and so would consider giving up my chance to have my own biological child in favour of a donor egg to put DH and I on a level field - if that is possible Does anyone know?

We are still hoping that they can find some of his own sperm and then we can try ICSI ... and DH can't really make a decision regarding donor sperm until we know for sure what his situation is. He may come around to the donor sperm/my egg idea. But that is a huge decision that doesn't need to be made just yet.

Thank you all for your time and advice in advance,

BBxx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

dear BB
I am afraid i dont know the answer to this one but I dont see why you cannot not but you are more likely to get a donated embroyo and you may well get this quicker than waiting for an egg.  i think perhaps do searches on here and hopefully someone will come back to you.  I know you will get asked the question lots of times as to why you are not using your own eggs and also you will have to pass the counselling.  I do understand where you are coming from though.
we have just used a donor egg/s from a lovely lady I met on here and have luckily I am 9 wks preg and we are over the moon about it. We have two frosties in the freezer and I think we have pretty made up our mind that we will donate these before the years up after our hopeful baby is born (still cannot quite believe it!!) and I am sure there must be lots of clinics that have embroys like that and beleive its fairly common in Spain (cannot remember where I read that bit)
go over the the abroadies thread and ask over there
hope this helps


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## Bluebottle (Nov 12, 2007)

Hi Suszy,

Thanks very much for your reply. And CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You must be thrilled! So happy for you! I hope you have a happy and heathly pregnancy. 

I guess we just need to wait for this biopsy and see what happens. DH says he thinks that they won't find anything .. in which case we will seek a second opinion. If this comes back the same then we have some serious decisions to make. In the event that there aren't any swimmers ..... DH says he would be willing to 'chat' to other males (if I can find any on here) who have had to make the same decision. I'd really like to find a man or two who have come to terms with it and decided to use donor sperm .... if they could reassure my DH then maybe, just maybe we might be able to go ahead with DS and my eggs ....... God .. it's all so hard. I completely understand DH's point of view ... but I also know that if the roles were reversed I would be ok with his sperm and a donor egg ... but it's different for me, I would still get to go through the actual pregnancy and so therefore would get that 9 months to start bonding with the child before it's born.

Fingers crossed we get a date through soon and that they find something ...... please god...


BBxx


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## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

Hi BB

so sorry to read that you have had such a difficult time  

my dh was exactly the same as yours, he was adamant that we weren't going to use a donor however after hs failed SSR (biopsy) he re looked at things and we decided to take a year out to think about it and make our final decision.

During that year whe was diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time and this was a real wake up call for both of us. At the end of the year he was given the all clear and he decide that he wanted to be a Dad and the biological aspect was no longer an issue for him, he said he could love any child that was part of me. As you can see from my signature, we are still trying for our baby  

Have you considered going for councelling? i know lots of couples benefit from talking about it and maybe that may help him to look at it differently. Also, the donor conception network sent us some very good literature for a 'would be donor dad' and my dh found it very helpful.

fingers crossed you wont need to consider any of these options and your dh's biopsy is successful            

much love
Suze xx


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi BB
Difficult times and decisions to take, but I'm so glad that Suze (above) mentioned DC Network.  Have a look at the For Men page on our web site www.dcnetwork.org for stories written by men about how they felt on finding out about their infertility, found ways to integrate this into their sense of who they are and move on to become DI dads.  If you would like to join us you could then have direct contact with very many families who have found themselves in your position and then moved on to become parents.
Very best wishes to you both
Olivia

/links


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## Bluebottle (Nov 12, 2007)

Hi,

Suzi, thanks so much for your kind words and your story. You really have been through the mill over the last couple of years, and I've got everything crossed for you that 2008 is finally your year    . And your DH has got such a lovely perspective on it. I may pass that onto my DH if you don't mind?

Olivia, thankyou too for your advice and I will certainly be visiting the dc website very shorty. I can't tell you what a comfort it is to be able to talk to people who know exactly what we are going through and how this really feels. We haven't told anyone other than our mums and dads at the moment and so I'm finding it really hard to keep "normal" friendships etc at the moment. I'm definitely having a "down" few days at the moment. I'm sure I'll come out of it soon enough though.

Thanks you all again for your support .... it means so much.

GOOD LUCK to everyone for 2008.

Bxx


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