# Separation anxiety or more????



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Little man has been with us for 5 months and is 14 months old. He has settled very well indeed and all prof involved are delighted with his progress and attachments. Generally he is a very sociable and outgoing little man. When dh or I are about he loves the attention of others and is always generous with a smile and an 'hiya'. At classes/groups he appears to be doing the right things. He will go and play independently, periodically checking in with the odd look or quick cwtch. 


I am aware that it is this age when separation anxiety reaches it peak but I'm getting a little concerned about certain behaviours and need some advice as to whether it is 'normal' or to be expected and what I can do to help the situation. 


At times he can be extremely clingy and will literally scream the place down if I don't lift him into my arms and carry/cwtch him. Somedays i cant even put on my shoes as he wont even let me sit on the floor with him between my legs, he clambers to turn around and clings round my neck like a monkey. some days i have to dress him with him clinging to me. if i try to put him down he clings tighter and starts to cry which stops as soon as i pick him up or stop trying to put him down. Some days He wont sit in a shopping trolley for longer than approx 5 mins and is the same with his pushchair. he cries to be carried and then clings like a monkey. Other days he is fine and asks for his pushcahir to be forward facing instead of parent facing. he is the same at bed time. during the day he has a cwtch and goes into his cot awake - no problems. during the night however i have to cwtch him till he falls asleep ( not that i mind because i love this time together!) this behaviour doesnt happen everyday but it is getting more frequent. 


He has never been left with anyone but dh and I and to be honest has only been left with dh on a handful of occasions. Since day one only we have met his needs and have done so as soon as possible. We have never left him to cry, we have always tried to soothe him. I frequently use a sling to carry him and we have unsuccessfully tried co-sleeping. (None of us ended up getting any sleep - little man just thought it was play time and that we would love to listen to his repertoire of animal noise throughout he night) 


I suppose I'm wondering is he simply playing us, is this separation anxiety or could there be more to this behaviour than simple, expected developmental separation anxiety? Could his be the start or evidence of insecure attatchment or is it 'normal'? Am I making the situation worse with my behaviour / actions? 


My gut instinct says if this is what he needs then we need to give it to him but well meaning friends and family keep saying its because we are 'indulging' him with too much attention and affection. ( personally I don't think any child can have too much affection) 
how did any of you help your little ones through this time?
What do you think we can do to help? 


You help would be so well appreciated. 


Thanks flash xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Flash,

I'm no expert but it describes a lot of my little guy earlier on in placement who's a bit older than your LO. We still have it at times but it has definately got better. Attachment is one thing I've no concerns on as LO is showing all the right signs. However I would still say he's insecure about it (understandably).

I also agree, if your tuned in to your Los needs then how can you be indulging him so pooh to those that say that. I'd say go with your instincts.
I'll be watching this thread with interest though in case others have greater wisdom
X x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hiya gertie, I remember when I was concerned about his sleeping it was also very similar to your lo and that is so encouraging to know. That is exactly how it strikes me. Thanks xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I get this with Bladelet, he's incredibly needy and it doesn't feel entirely normal for his age, but it does feel entirely normal for his situation.  I've lost count of the amount of times I've done the hoovering with him clinging to my leg sobbing.  I go along with it as much as I'm able, the more I'm there for him, the less insecure he seems to feel, but I can't let it interrupt our routine and stop me getting meals ready on time or children dressed and out the door to get Wyxling to nursery on time, and I won't let it stop me from getting some housework done while the kids are awake.  I find I often use a play pen to get things done.  He gets upset initially when I put him in it, but then settles with his toys and as long as I keep going over and interacting with him, or talk to him and sing to him or make silly noises with him, he will settle and play.  If I let him he'll just cling to my leg sobbing indefinitely while I do the hoovering or whatever I'm trying to do, and that feels a lot worse to me.  When I'm getting us ready to go out, I get Bladelet ready first and put him straight in the buggy, so he's contained while I get me and Wyxling ready.  Again, he can see us and I chat to him and sing to him, but we get on and get things done.  Sometimes he cries, but the most important thing (I'm told) is that he can see me, and hear my voice, and understands he's not being denied cuddles etc as a punishment, Mummy is busy, but Mummy is right there with him.  I try to let him just follow me round, and encourage him to go and bring me toys etc while I'm busy doing things, but if he really can't do that and is just going to either sit and cry and/or go and get into everything he knows he shouldn't, then I'll put him somewhere safe with some entertainment while I do what I absolutely need to.

Wyxling (now 3) also went through a month or two of doing this actually quite recently, but then Wyxling's emotional development and attachment is way behind what we'd hope for her age so it's not surprising to me when she acts like a much younger child.  With Wyxling it's a lot harder to get on because if she decides to hang onto one leg, I have a job moving!

It's a tough one.  I feel a huge amount of guilt and I try to give them what they're looking for (me) when I can, but we also have things that need to be done, and so sometimes I feel the best thing for us is just to get on with it.

Wyxie xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Thanks wyxie. With both you and gertie Its so reassuring to know its not just us. i echo what you've said. I too use a play pen to keep him safe and after initial hysterics he eventually settles and plays lovely. I'm trying to do this with him more and more but he actually cries more when he can see me but not get to me.  As of yet I haven't allowed it to stop us doing things. when he is hanging on my neck i wont just stop what im doing but he's a very big boy and I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this for. With regards to housework he loves the Hoover which is great but I don't need any encouragement not to get other things done  much to dh annoyance. I think he was expecting a domestic goddess to materialise once my adoption leave started. 

This behaviour has only manifested itself in the last month or so. We had snippets before (sleeping through the night in my arms) but it has def escalated of late. I too feel guilty and am not sure what to do to help the situation. 

Thanks both xx


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

I don't have any experience with caring for a 14month old but based and what knowledge and experience I do have which is more in relation to new borns (professional) and toddlers (personal) Id say your doing right by your little man. The amount of ppl who advice others about "spoiling" their babies is astonishing. Even though their intentions are honourable I don't think it's the right advise   Babies are exactly that, they can't meet their own needs or communicate in a way adults understand so they scream/cry/make a fuss. Just because a need is not obvious or physical such as a dirty nappy, hungry etc it's still a need and your little man prob just feels a great need to be close to you what ever his reasons. So I'd say keep doing what your doing and meet all his needs whether it's physical or emotional and just politely smile and ignore other ppls advise. 
I bet it's so difficult having a heavy 14month old baby hanging off your neck most of the day, it would cripple me. Can you try having one of those baby seats near you so for example he's sitting in one next to your legs while your doing the dishes and you can talk and interact with him and he can tug on your trousers etc, he likely just needs to be as close as possible for a while. I think it's prob just a mix of age appropriate anxiety which perhaps is triggering a little adoption related anxiety as well. Just continue as you are and I'm sure with time he'll become more confident and relax a little and not need so more physical connection and visual will suffice. 
Hope that's useful to you, I bet your a great Mam.

Xx


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi,

I have a slightly similar thing going on with my youngest and family are starting to comment. We are 16 months I to placement and I think everyone is starting to forget about adoption issues as our two seem so happy, settled etc to the untrained eye.

I however spend a lot of time musing / obsessing over their various behaviours  and debating whether they are adoption related or normal toddler. In the end I've concluded the two can,t be separated as my two will always be adopted so it will impact on all stages of their lives.

My youngest is now 22 months and is definitely a mummy's girl!! She bit dh the other week when he stopped her from following me up the stairs! She almost always refuses to let other people carry her and in public situations she won't leave me alone very often. She loves her daddy and is fine with him when I'm out of the way, but every time it's his time to do her bath she screams for me all the way up the stairs. Like you Flash, I do the lion share of the caring, I don't leave them with anyone else and daddy doesn't really have them on his own.

She has great relationships with her grandparents and will happily play, cuddle etc but we have these times of great distress if anyone tries to part her from me. For example, out for a walk with mummy, dadd, sister and two grandparents, once she has had enough walking she wants me to carry her. When I am tired (she's heavy!) and a grandparent tries to take a turn she clings on for dear life and screams.

Like others, I tend to think if she wants me she can have me - to a point, obviously I have to say no regularly otherwise her sister wouldn't get a look in. She was only six months on placement so everyone thought she would be issue free but I think she has got a security thing stemming from that move.

Not any great advice or wisdom but just wanted to share so you know you're not alone.

Keep loving them and keep being available, I can't believe that will harm our little ones. If they need attention they need it.


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

I forget to say that when we are at home or out and about just the three of us she is generally OK and will usually play quite happily with her sister while I wash up etc. However she cries and cries if I try to go upstairs without her to fetch something and I never have a solo wee!!! 

I should also say that I don't mind d, I love her to bits and I am glad she turns to me for comfort.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i've banged on about these before but they are incredibly useful for little ones who want to be near/on you a lot! I used to get on in the kitchen while DD/DS did playdough/drew/'chopped' veg alongisde me..it was one of the best things we bought
http://www.littlehelper.co.uk/product.php?id=1

kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

KJ - funnily enough I remember you recommending this. I picked one up off gumtree at a great price. I love it for lil man and I to bake together etc.
;-)


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My LO is 16 months and gets very upset if she can't be near me. She has been home four months. Since her baby brother came home yesterday it's intensified greatly; DH is with her but she wants me...which with 2 children, the second just 5 months old, and a mountain of washing and sorting to do post-contact isn't easy. I sometimes let her just fuss and find she's distracted before long with a toy or something. I think it's about knowing your own child and knowing what works. I read everything there was on separation anxiety, and some days it really is just that, but I've also got friends with children go a similar age who are not adopted and they are exactly the same leading me to think its as much an age thing as insecurity. I take it on a day by day basis but tend to go down the route of not always responding to it, but that's just me - there is no right or wrong. On certain days I know she isn't feeling great or something and give her extra attention and cuddles, but on others if I've got to nip upstairs and grab some washing or Hoover or get dinner on, it's happening. I do have distractions round the house which help; the bottom drawers in the kitchen are 'hers' and buy me lots of time to do stuff for example! I've also got a tiny short list of people who do stuff with and for her apart from me - namely both sets of grandparents and one aunty, she very merrily goes for a walk with them and will eat lunch with her aunty and nap at hers without any issue. That's been extra important for me to build those relationships as I knew my baby boy was coming shortly, and also for my sanity - I've needed a break at times. It's not easy to let others get involved with a long-awaited precious little one but it has been important for me and I'm reaping the rewards as I'm mummy all the way, but she adores her 'special people' and I can go so far as to get my knitting out when they're around as she is so contented. I have the same relationship with my own adopted nieces and it's been a godsend for my sister as we were her support network when her girls came and have such a strong relationship with them two years on. Anyway I'm digressing!! Back to my glass of wine now the munchkins are asleep!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

E3021, my LO is 23mths and does exactly the same thing -screams if daddy takes him to bed or helps him in the night and calling out for mummy all the time. I think a lot of it is fairly normal for the age but you are the one who knows your child best. We have had LO for 13mths now and we had a horrifically clingy stage where he wouldn't leave my side and wanted to touch all the time and panicking if he wasn't. 

Normal separation anxiety starts around 7mths. From 7-12mths it's usually worse, gradually lessening as confidence grows at around 2yrs old. 
Around 7mths into the placement LO started to display clinginess. It got really bad and he is now starting to show more confidence and go off saying 'ba-bye mummy. See you later' after 10/15mins there.

I try to focus on the time he's been home rather than the age as it really helped me to put things in perspective and not feel so fed up/ worried about things.


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Thanks Arrows, it's always nice to know that I'm not the only one experiencing things!

I think you are right that it is worth thinking of the time they have been home - almost like they were newborn on the day you met them! That idea has helped with my elder DD who came home at 18mths and therefore who we have nearly had for half her life - so she had half her life elsewhere and that has had some implications for her development - mentally, and obviously emotionally.

My family and well-meaning strangers often think I am babying her / holding her back but to me she isn't nearly three, she's nearly one and a half.

Flash - how is your week going?

I am finding this thread really helpful, although it is challenging me to consider if I should be trying to get others - including daddy - to do some caring for them without me there


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Ladies, as always the advice, support and experiences you have shared are utterly invaluable and have helped me see things in a different light. I am thinking of him as only 5/6 months old as thats how long hes been home and i wouldnt be concerned if a 5/6 month old was displaying that behaviour. The bizarre thing with little man is that he's that way with me when I'm here through the day with him and then dh comes home and he then transfers his anxieties to him aswell. He gets really upset if either of us leave the room so I'm wondering if it is a control thing aswell. Think it will just be me and my shadow/limpet for a while longer as we are going to carry on as we are and see if things get better naturally . Found out last night that I can't put off my next endo op any more so that will be interesting ! A hospital stay and stitches which will mean I can't pick him up! dh will take time off work and my mum is oing to come and stay aswell so he will still get plenty of hugs & cwtches. . 
The fun pod looks like it may be my new year purchase - well impressed with what I've seen and read about them. 

Thank u all so much - flash xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Sorry to hear about your op Flash. I do find the more I give lil man the more he does get better but normally in a few days/weeks. When's it's really limpet like, I find thinking that I'm glad he finds me safe and it must be help in some way for long term relationship. With all of our other uncertainties, attachment is the one thing I feel we can help by doing it as right as we can for our situation. Ps I know some attachment difficulties are deep rooted and it's complex so can't assume we won't have issues from this aspect but right now I'm hopeful.

Gosh this mummy guilt thing is tough eh - constantly worrying you are doing right by our precious LOs.
X


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

You are so right gertie, it is one of the few things that I know we can impact. To be honest when he was like it today I thought 'so what if I have to cwtch him  for longer than would suit me, if that's what he needs the washing can wait. I won't get this time back again' so I put on a lovely relaxing cd and we cwtched and cwtched. A year ago I would have given anything to have had my baby in my arms and never drempt he would be there now. He needs us and thats what matters. so I'm going to enjoy! If you can enjoy dragging around a 1 year old attached to your leg  xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Here here - and better than leg weights at the gym lol x


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