# Hello everyone! Most of my friends pregnant & no-one understands how I feel



## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello!  It's my first time on this website, I've been touched by some of the stories I've come across and it's given me the courange to finally post something on this website. It seems weird posting personal things about myself to the world but you all seem so genuine and in similar places to where I am and most of my firends are pregnant/have babies and don't understand, it would be lovely to make some FF friends in similar circumstances.

I'm 33 and have been trying for almost 3 years, doctors can't really explain what's wrong. We tried IVF before and about to try again, the consultation is next week, not sure when we'll actually start medication as we're going to a new clinic but I think it'll be around Feb/Mar time. 

What I'm finding really hard is going through all these emotions while everyone else around me seems to get pregnant so easily, although I am pleased for my friends I feel sad about the unfairness of it all. It really upsets me and when I try and talk about it no-one understands and I get comments like "what difference does it make what happens to others". I don't know why it effects me but it really does.   I've ended up seeing my friends a lot less and avoiding seeing more than one couple at a time because they all talk about their preganancies and/or babies and I'm the only one that can't join in even though it's something I want more than anything in the world. The worse thing is at work because I have no control about being around pregnant people, I can't just  walk out - I've been having to sit through meetings with one of my colleagues touching her bump all the time and talking about it, she left this week but another one has just announced she's pregnant so I've got another 6 months of torture coming up.  I went to see my doctor yesterday to talk it and she advised me to go on this website and try and meet others who might understand. Am I a completely irrational nutter? Does anyone else feel like this? 

And where is this fairy dust setting? I want to start spraying it about


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

Welcome...someone will come along soon to point you in the right direction!!! You've come to the right place, this site has helped me achieve my dream and keep (fairly) sane throughout the process. it is so tough when everyone around you seems to become pregnant apart from you ...especially when they try to give you advice   

 click on (more) next to the icons above to find some fairly dust!!!

Good luck from someone who understands  

kay xxx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

and welcome to FF 

Oh bearhug,    We all understand how you feel, it's gutwrenching when everyone seems to be announcing they're pregnant or having to listen to birth announcements. No-one understands unless they've been in our situation, of course you get the sympathy, pity but thats not helpful. Then others come out with the flippant comments, "Relax!" "Youre trying too hard!"   They dont get it do they. but you'll get enormous support here, we're all here with the same aim x 
Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

You might find some questions here which could be useful to ask at your next consultation 
*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

*Unexplained ~*CLICK HERE

While undergoing treatment, you might find it useful to join other ladies having treatment at the same time. The Cycle Buddies threads are just for that. You will find a thread, usually with a funny/inspiring name for this year's buddies. Just pop along to the appropriate month and say "Hi" when you are ready to start treatment.

*Cycle buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

*2WW, Ladies in Waiting ~ *CLICK HERE

*Keep a diary of your treatment ~ * 
CLICK HERE

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!
Here are the boards for Hampshire  http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=230.0

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

PS I have also sent you a pm (private message)


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

Hi bearhug, I am new to this site too but after 3  1/2 long years I think it's time to connect with people who will understand.  I turned 30 last year and really struggled hitting the big 3-0 without having had a baby or at least being pregnant it's all I've ever wanted I thought I'd be a happy Mum of 3 or 4 by now but alas that's not the case.  
I know what you mean about being surrounded by pregnancy my best friend is due in the next few weeks, and another 2 have just announced they are preggers too, the last 3 years has felt like someone firing a pregnancy announcement machine gun at us just as we get over one announcement someone else calls or puts a bloody scan pic on ********!!  I started to count how many of our close friends and family had babies in the time we've been trying but I've stopped myself it's got up to nearly 30 and I was just tormenting myslef!! (think I was going a bit nuts at that point)  You have to tell yourself that their good news isn't your bad news but it's taken me a bloody long time to convince myself of that.  The thing is people try and say helpful things like "your time will come just be patient" or every 
new year "this'll be your year I can feel it" or "just stop trying then it'll probably happen"  1: - How long is too long? 2:  What does a bloody feeling mean? and 3: - With all due respect once you decide to have a baby how can you switch your brain into not wanting one and stop trying?  Madness!!  The thing is unless you're in this wicked place of not conceiving you have no idea of what it's like.  We've been told that there is nothing wrong with either of us so we have the dreaded "unexplained fertility" which is all well and good but in a weird way I want there to be something wrong so we have an answer so I don't just feel like a useless cow every month!!  To make it harder my husband has a child from a previous marriage so I'm convinced the problem is with me which would be logical, luckily my stepson is adorable and for a 10 year old boy incredibly understanding of our situation he always say's when someone else get's preggers "it's not fair you want a baby so bad and you'll be a lovely Mum cos you're a lovely step-mum"  I do feel blessed that I have him in my life to fulfill the mummy in me but it's never going to be the same as having my own every single day with me!  We're about to start IVF next month and I'm excited we're finally here but dreading it in equal measure in case it doesn't work (trying to keep an open mind but you hear so often that the first time doesn't go well).  
Anyway I've blathered on a bit but just wanted you to know that there are lots of us out here who completely and utterly understand exactly how you feel, and you know what it's perfectly ok to feel bitter when someone else get's what you want people are jealous of a lot less but don't let it consume you take care jebby x x x


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## K8O (Dec 21, 2009)

Hi

There are definately lots of us around who feel the same and I dont think there is a way to make the feeling go away.  ******** should actually ban expectant mothers from posting.  One of our friends knows our situation but still sends scans, cards from 'the bump' and everyday without fail has a ******** status to do with the baby.  Like you its not about not being happy for them, but something deep down hurts every time someone gets pregnant or does something like post on ******** about how their baby kicked them and they are on the naughty step!  (Yes my friend did actually post that).  It has taken us a couple of years to get to tx but I started my injections yesterday.  We have struggled to reach this point but I never knew how strong we both were until we faced each obstacle thrown at us...and thats what you have to remember.  You are strong and you can cope with anything thrown at you.

Thats my rant over but I know exactly what you mean and how you feel.

Just remember you are number 1 and you have to take care of you and if that means being a bit selfish then so be it.

Take Care

Kxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello everyone, thank you for all your lovely messages, it's really nice to be able to chat to you, it makes such a difference knowing that I'm not alone.  I've got a consultation on wednesday and with any luck our treatment will start soon, having not succeeded in the past I'm a bit worried about getting too excited for it but I can't help it!  I'm a bit up and down at the moment.  

Thanks for pointing me to the fairydust, spraying it all over us lovely ladies wishing us lots of luck for  2010!

Thank you for your support


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Bearhug
didnt want to read and run. Just want you to know I understand how you feel after having been ttc for 8 years and having had 5 IVF cycles.  Dont lose hope ,there are loads of stories on here to help you stay positive. Whenever I'm having a wobble or tantrum I come on here to rant~ saves having to bore DH !!

Take care 

PL x


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Bearhug,

You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!  I wrote this post about that very subject.  

Dee
********************************************************
OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy.  I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world.  It is the thing that we share on FF.  

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## julespenfold (Jan 10, 2010)

Hi Bearhug  - Feel the same as you and having read a lot of the posts now realise I am not alone. 

Dee - agree 100% with your post and wish I had read this a year ago when I started on IVF


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Dee that is soooooo true, what a great post. Over time I've been telling more friends about what's going on with us so they can be more sensitive to it, I try to be positive when I see excitement in their faces and they can't help but show me photos and talk about when the baby arrive but I usually go to bed or drive home afterwards crying my eyes out, I don't think they realise, it's strange that they are so aware of our problems yet oblivious to them too.

The first time I tried IVF early last year we didn't tell a soul, just our parents. It was so difficult avoiding people and the "when are you having babies" questions and pregancy talk, and getting no support, so  the second time we tried (ICSI) we decided to start telling a few close friends. I think I felt better telling friends but even though they know they still do't realise the impact their conversations and baby scan photos have on me.  My DH doesn't get too affected by it though which is why I've been feeling so irrational and lonely.  Thank you everyone for sharing  

We're about to try for a third time and our consultation is today - don't know if i'll be able to get there with all this snow, fingers crossed x


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## billy123 (Jan 11, 2010)

hiya

I know exactly how you feel ive been trying to concieve for 5 years although my first ICSI cycle was succesful and I have a abeautiful baby boy who is four now. I have since been trying for the last 3 years and have had 3 failed ICSI cycles. Im going to be 31 now and desperatley want another brother or sister for my son. However I find the whole process an emotional rollercoster and when ive confided in friends they dont understand how i feel and neither are they supportive. During my last ivf attempt which failed both my friend and sister inlaw concieved that very month and I have constant reminder that my child would of been the same age. I have never had any support from family or friends which is why i have recently joind FF because im am hoping to embark on another ICSI cycle in the next few months and need support.

I hope you managed to get to your consultation today... but dont lose hope this might be your lucky year!!

TC


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Bearhug

Hope u managed to make ur appt.
I too act as if am okay with baby announcements and updates, manage to hold it together and like u then cry on the way/when I get home. I hate the way IF impacts on all aspects of my life. At work I teach infants so there's always a member of staff/parent pg, my friends are having their 2nd and even 3rd babies so we have less and less in common with them, but worst of all its the feeling guilty because I cant give my DH something that we so desperately want. I dont think he realises how awful I feel about this and the impact it has had on our relationship. It's amazing we're still together! Just hope that it has made us stronger and when we do get our baby we will be better parents than if we had not gone thru this!Like you I used to feel he was not affected as much as me but now realise he doesnt show it and copes in a different way. Thank God we both dont sob for hours after a failed tx or pg news~dunno how I'd cope!! Think he has felt a weight lift since I found FF!

Take care 

PL x


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## pinkbabe (Sep 25, 2009)

Irish Dee

gosh what a post, you have hit the nail right in the head....truly marvelous way of explaining! Your right, all our time will come, its just a matter of positive thinking and time. Good luck to everyone for 2010      

Karen x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi everyone! Last time I posted here I had recently found out about another preganancy & they were due to visit us for the weekend with their baby and bump - I ended up trying to cancel it because I  couldn't face it but it went horribly wrong and my friend got really offended and had a go at me  . I ended up explaining my feelings, a bit like this e-mail thread, and it's made a big diffference actually. We ended up keeping the weekend in our diaries and they came this weekend without their baby - for the first time in years we went out just the four of us and had normal conversations about normal things - when they left I felt pleased they had come and didn't end up crying the way I usually do. I think I'm going to start telling my preganant friends/friends with babies to be more sensitive around me from now on and explain a bit more how i'm feeling, I think it might help


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## pinkbabe (Sep 25, 2009)

Hi Bearhug, 

hope your getting on ok hun    its difficult isnt it, trying to appear pleased, and that you really are pleased, but asking yourself, when is it going to be your turn, cos ive had enough at everyone else getting the cream now! im sorry you were left to feel embarrassed, and that you were made out to be the party pooper, but maybe it will help for future gatherings, for them to have a little more thought, now they know your true feelings  

I wish you well for your future, and hope you fulfill your dreams in 2010 x
 

Ive blown your bubbles to 7 to give you some luck x

Take care 
Karen x


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## angharad71 (Aug 20, 2009)

Hi, I know exactly what you mean about being around pregnant people. I found when I joined the 'bored of babies' group on ******** people took offence- but to be honest it felt quite good to let people know that I'm not always that interested in their pregnancies. I'm not suggesting you offend your friends, but anyone who has got friends on ******** who constantly write about their pregnancies might want to give it a go!!

Angharad


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## jebby (Jan 4, 2010)

hi all x

Irish Dee that has got to be the best post I've read on here just brilliant completely sums up how ti really is!! .

Bearhug how did your consultation go I hope you made it in the bad weather?? I haven't been able to log on for a while and have missed ff.  Well my best friend had her baby a week ago today 4 weeks early because of pre eclampsia and I didn't feel even remotely jealous I was waiting for it to come when I went to see her and it didn't I just felt happy and he is adorable all 5lb 12oz of him!!  It's the first baby in a long time that I've held and not felt pangs of despair and envy, she has been so supportive and considerate of my feelings so I'm very lucky to have a friend like that but I felt guilty because she's always been the one I rang crying feeling crap when someone got pregnant then when she did I couldn't moan to her but I couldn't pretend I felt any different but she said 'it's ok I know how much this hurts you and I feel bloody awful being one of those people that have made you feel bad' she was so worried I was going to hate her but it's pulled us closer, she had a miscarage earlier in the year and I think that gave her a taste of it not being that easy to conceive.  We go to the clinic next week and I thought we started actual treatment on the 10th but now I've re-read the letter and I think it's just another bloody consultation!!! AAArgh I just want to start something!!!!!!

love to all the ladies of ff x x x


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## clarebearbunny (Sep 9, 2009)

Hello this is my first time writing a post too  but having read your post I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel. Everywhere I look or go I see pregnant women and yes so many people around me just seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and although you try to be happy for them emotionally it is agony.  We have been TTC for a year now and I have been on Clomid for about 6 months now and it has only worked once!  I want to go back to my consultant but apparently I need to have another referral and I had to fight so hard to get referred initially that everytime I hit a stumbling block I find I get so low and it is really hard to pick yourself up again and fight your corner! If anyone can offer any advice or understanding I would really appreciate it because unless your going through it you really cannot understand how it feels.


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