# depression anybody??



## Florrie girl (May 26, 2006)

Hi there

Just wondering if anyone out there is suffering with depression owing to infertility? 

I was diagnosed in February this year after a miscarriage but with hindsight think i have actually had mild depression since our first miscarriage in 2008. Had thoughts of suicide regulary as just couldnt stand the pain and still do sometimes. Started on antidepressants which eventually made me feel a lot better - in fact happier than I had been in years and me and my hubby had a great couple of months over the summer then bang my mood dropped again suddenly - couldnt cope at all started drinking, got referred to a psychiatrist, drank some more and after waking up one day and taking a load of diazepam with half a bottle of vodka ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks. Realised that I had just been supressing all the emotions I had and probably hadnt dealt with any of my feelings of grief. I havent cried at all - not even after the miscarriage in January and really feel i need to. Slowly starting to rebuild things but still feel so sad - feel there is nothing in my future to look forward to other than reminders of what I will never have so whats the point? Still think about what I nearly had and it breaks my heart   

I feel like im weak and pathetic and im the only person who has fallen apart like this so if there is anyone out there like me would love to hear from you. Have got friends who have suffered with depression but just feel the infertility thing is so specific.

xxxxxxxxx


----------



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hello


I've been in the same boat as you, became hugely depressed and tried to kill myself in 2008, referred to psychiatrist, then psychologist who I still see on a weekly basis. Just started to get my life back together, fell pregnant and the baby was still born which sent me back down into a pit of depression, started drinking, then started really drinking (litre of gin a day at one point  ) back to twice weekly sessions with the shrink, suicidal tendencies, still do to a certain extent, I have a back log of childhood stuff that I don't deal with very well and still feel immense guilt and blame myself for the infertility and Matilda's death. I'm just starting to feel stronger and come out of it now. Until the next set back of course. 


Just wanted you to know that you are not alone, not weak or pathetic, just trying to cope with something that other people take for granted. Infertility is not something you can just accept and be happy about, after all, we're all still animals at the end of the day and our greatest primal instinct is to procreate, just because someone says you can't, doesn't stop your body desperately longing to have a baby, and because we are higher thinking animals you get alongside that frantic instinct a mass of emotions, thoughts, blame, guilt. It's not easy.


Anytime you need to vent, PM me.


xxxx


----------



## Florrie girl (May 26, 2006)

Thankyou so much for replying Wendy

Firstly Im so so very sorry about your loss of Matilda - It makes me shudder to think of what you must have gone through it really does. You must be a very strong person to get through that - I really dont know what to say   

Its good to know im not alone in this mess - I just struggle to see anything positive to live for now - would have loved to try and adopt but I dont think social services would touch me with a barge pole now which makes me angry with myself for getting so depressed and ruining my chances there too. It just all stinks. Feel like im going to wake up one day and discover its all been a horrible nightmare.

xxx


----------



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thank you, it has been completely devastating. It still is. I don't feel particularly strong, far from it, I've fallen right into habits that I spent the last three years trying to drag myself out of. Life has a habit of kicking you forcefully in the face, repeatedly, sometimes.


We also would have loved to adopt, but think we're pretty much screwed there, because of my history of depression etc. Have you thought of surrogacy? I only ask as it's something that my DH and I thought about for a while, and I see a lot of people on the boards going through the process successfully.


I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better, I wish I could, I wish I could take away the pain. And to be honest, I have no real advice. I can tell you to be a little less hard on yourself, you've been through a dreadful ordeal, and even if you have distanced yourself from your emotions, you still have the emotions and are struggling to cope with them.


I can give you one of these  a virtual one anyway. Remember to take this one day at a time, and   what anyone else thinks, let them live their own lives, you concentrate on you.


xxx


----------



## Florrie girl (May 26, 2006)

Thankyou - yes its one day at a time but god they are long ones thats the problem especially as im signed off sick at the moment so havent even got work to bury myself into.

We have thought about surrogacy briefly but DH is against the idea and if I'm honest i dont think I've got the energy or strength to go through it. Right now it just feels easier to bow out altogether. Im sitting here now thinking I would love just to open a bottle and start drinking myself into oblivion but I promised my DH and I couldnt bear the look on his face coming home to wife off her face yet again.

xx


----------



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Yes, the days are long, the hours and minutes too sometimes. One of the things that I do everyday (try to anyway, I'm rubbish at routines) is to keep a journal, not a diary, a journal in which to reflect on your life, events, places, people, things. It is a place in which I can sort of store my memories and reactions. Not sure if that is of any use to you. 


And I know how easy it is to just get wasted, the desire to not think about anything, not feel anything anymore is intense. So I'd be a hypocrite to give you any advice on that too. 


I wouldn't think about anything treatment/fertility wise until you feel well enough. Keep talking here, if it helps. Remember that you are off sick for a reason and you should treat yourself as a patient, look after yourself as if you were looking after someone else.


Sorry, feel a bit rubbish, even though I know exactly how this feels, I know that need for oblivion, I still am at a loss how best to help.


Wendy


----------



## Florrie girl (May 26, 2006)

Wendy you are not rubbish - we both know there is nothing to be said, nobody can take the pain away but just knowing you are there and understand helps enormously - thank you xxx


----------



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thank you. xxx


If you do need to talk, drop me a line.  


Wendy
xx


----------



## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Florie and Wendy I am sending you huge hugs    
Florie I am so sorry to hear that you have been having such a rough time. 
Wendy I am so sorry for your immense loss - I cannot imagine having to go through a stillbirth.

Last week I had to admit defeat and start taking anti depressants again. I have had a history of depression but this time it has made me feel more useless and worthless - my gp and counsellor have been trying to persuade me to take them for a while.  I can understand some of what you both feel . I feel that there is very little future and feel so empty. I have had several days where I have wondered what the point of carrying on is.  The pain of not being able to have a child is overwhelming some days all I have wanted to do is lay down and sleep forever and be with my babies.
I have been keeping a journal for a while and I have found it helpful to write my feelings and thoughts - its a space I can write and express my emotions that I tend to bottle up and I know there is no one to judge them. My counsellor also got me to draw or paint to express my emotions.
You are definitely not weak or pathetic and while I have no magic wand or miracle words of advice - I hope it helps somewhat to know that you are not alone - keep posting and hang in there I will be thinking of you both    

love Karenann  xx


----------



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Oh ladies - just want to send you all a big   

You are very strong people to deal with all this - I know it cant be easy for you.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## CathE (Mar 11, 2005)

Hi,
I haven't been onto this site for a long while but decided to log as much as counselling helps it's not the same as chatting to someone who's been through something similar.
My story is that I had 4 miscarriages (I have a balanced translocation amongst other problems) and eventually we decided on adoption. I thought I had an incredibly strong marriage and it was one admired by all our friends. To cut a long story short he begun an affair with a so-called friend of mine, ironically a student nurse that I mentored, who helped me over my miscarriages. The worst part was that it was going on under my nose while we hung out together and while we continued our meetings with the adoption social worker.
When my ex broke down and told me he'd slept with 2 women he's met at the pub and didn't want to go through with the adoption, this friend was the first person I went round to for comfort and even got a bottle of wine out to consol me - even Jeremy Kyle couldn't think that one up!! Detective work on my part found out what was really going on and somehow had the strength to pick myself up and walk out and move away almost immediately.

I know at 42 the prospects of being a mum are extremely slim and I've come to terms with it pretty much but still grieve an aweful lot for the babies that I lost and how incredibly unfair life is to some of us. I too completely bottled up my feelings for the first 6 months after the split as I was just going out with friends and having a good time but then it caught up on me. I'm still overwhelmed some days by the grief. As the counsellor said, I'd just put a lid on the whole thing and didn't want to deal with it.

I did get quite far into the adoption process, as far as looking at children that might be suitable and got to know the socail worker well. I wouldn't rule out adoption completely. I'm not an expert but as long as you are completely frank and honest, have been off antidepressants for at least 6 months and can show that you have come to terms with not having a birth child then I wouldn't rule out adoption. It might be worth just going along for a private chat with a social worker. 
Just wanted to send big   to everyone. Hope I haven't waffled on too much but it's really helped just writing this.

Love Cath xx


----------



## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Cath as if this 'journey' isn't bad enough but to then be cheated on must be soul destroying!  But you still have a dream and maybe one day you'll be strong enough and in the 'right place' to reach out and grab that dream!

I hope you find help and strength within your family and friends and in the mean time here's a cyber hug    and   
Wishing you success and happiness for the future wherever it may take you X


----------



## marshy (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi all hope you don't mind me joining the thread, OO that lovely cloud of depression is looming over me again, had a break down a few years ago, the same things are starting to happen, waking up really early, twitchy eye, panic, but the crying is the worse not even the beer is helping. I am starting to hate people with baby's I have not even managed to see my sisters new baby, who is nearly 2 months old and feel so bad for that, my family talk about him lots, then i spend the rest of the day crying. I work with substance misuses in a rehab, they have there baby's with them its so hard, baby's every where i look. we start our next TX November am so scared that it will be yet another BFN but that's if my sanity makes it till November         help xxx


----------



## marshy (Dec 15, 2009)

sorry think i have posted in the wrong thread?


----------

