# sperm donation- known vs. anonymous- more from argentina



## velvet (Oct 6, 2008)

Here I am again... it´s turning out that importing sperm will be complex and will take very long... and if I don´t do this within the next 25 days, I will be doing that by christmas, and I don´t want to be waiting for news during those days... I simply think it will be even more difficult! if I let it go, it will be in 4 or 5 month ahead and age again!!! I´ll be already 42 by that time!

In my country they pay almost anything to the donors and they are completely anonymus... and I´m also affraid the donor will not be of a certain cultural level...

would you mind to share your thoughts about anonymous vs. known donor?

thanks girls!


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello there

I don't often share my thoughts on this as it's likely to cause some upset and undoubtedly will being the DCN swooping down from their moral high ground but here goes.......... These are my personal thoughts and feelings..........

Initially when the laws changed here so sperm wasn't anonymous, I just thought that was brilliant! So my child could get to meet its genetic father if it wanted to and it all felt nice and comfortable. I did used to think of the possibility of the donor not being available but I used to think of that in terms of me. i.e. I would have done everything I could to have facilitated knowing the father so my conscience was clear. I didn't realise thats how I was viewing it at the time. 
Since then - I have discussed my growing fears about this with a number of sperm and egg donors and had something confimed. That some (?most) donors have no intention of making themselves available to be contacted. It was an enforced law and I believe that a significant number of donors and recipients didn't want it. And if donors don't want it, then they simply won't make themselves available. And that'll be the end of that.
My personal experinces involve friends who have never known who their fathers were and they grew up with that knowledge. It has given some of them some issues but they have dealt with them. I also have a number of friends who were adopted, traced their genetic families, and were cruelly rejected. These friends of mine have had quite major psychological problems from that rejection.

So after a lot of thnking and soul searching I have decided to use anonymous sperm. I would prefer my family (my child and I) to know the 'score' right from the beginning and not have any lurking background hopes/ideals of dad. I _think_ it will be better to know than be rejected. I think the only way round this is to use sperm from a country where the donors can choose whether to be anonymous or not. That, in my mind, shows some commitment to future contact.

I do realise I have talked about some difficult and contentious issues here. Obviously I have no idea if I've got this right and I won't know until I have a child and they grow up. But I'm going with my gut feeling of what will be right for us.

Love

Emma xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

This is a really interesting question and something I am now really struggling with, although perhaps for slightly different reasons. 

All the way along I have been convinced I wanted a known donor. For me personally, this has always been about me wanting to feel comfortable that I have done as much as I can to enable the child to find their genetic father when they turned 18. 

I had (and still have a bit I think if I'm honest) all these fears that if I didn't have a known donor, but the child knew that I could have done, then they would resent me for that and would want to know why I hadn't chosen a known donor. And even in the scenario where they couldn't find the person (as LadyLottie suggests, this is certainly a likely outcome), at least I would have given them the opportunity to try. I keep imagining a future where my child knows other donor conceived children who have known donors and can find out about them, and my child cannot and feels huge anger towards me for denying them that option.

So up until now I have had known donors, and chosen them fairly carefully to have the characteristics I felt I might look for in a partner - ie certain education level, career not job etc. etc. 

Now I am faced with a very practical dilemma - fertility treatment is expensive. I have already spent huge amounts and so far have nothing to show for it (apart from an extra 2 stone in weight and more than a little heartache  ) - how long can I continue to pay for expensive treatment in the UK with expensive known donors?

If I were to have tx abroad with anon donor, I would be able to have 2 treatments for every one I can have in the UK. That's double the chance of actually being able to have a child. And after a year of trying, plus this recent loss, I am now coming to realise that having a child is the most important thing for me. If, in 18 yrs time, that child is angry with me for not going the known donor route, then I will just have to explain that having them in my life was the absolute priority for me, and that's what I put above everything else. I don't know if that will be enough, but I guess that's something I will just have to face when/if it happens. 

As for the intellectual/cultural level of the donor. Well, that's back to nature vs nurture I think. Yes, some traits are inherited, but many more are learnt. If you bring your child up in a certain way in a certain environment, then they will be one person - in another environment they would have been completely different. Genes are only part of the story. So although I also have some of those concerns (because I know that if I were going the 'traditional' route, it is likely my partner would have been well educated, cultured, a professional person...), I think that helps me to overcome them. And again, I'm back to my ultimate wish - to have a family. For me, if that means a bit of compromise along the way, then so be it

Velvet - not sure if this has helped you, I went on longer than I thought! It's certainly helped me to put some of this down on paper as it's a dilemma I'm facing right now in terms of deciding on my next step....

Would be interesting to hear others' thoughts - although of course at the end of the day it's such a personal decision and we all have to do what we feel comfortable with, 

Good luck with your plans,
Suitcase
x


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Girls

An interesting debate and I hope you don't mind if I join in.  I very occassionally post here - I have a beautiful 4 month old little girl who was conceived through someone I know.  I bring her up on my own.

Firstly suitcase - so so so sorry to hear your news - but please try not to lose heart - I know its hard but at least you got pregnant - and that can only be positive.  Huge huge   

LadyLottie - you raised a very interesting point - my donor (I don't like to think of him like that - more of a friend) also promised he would be there for us.  And I have to say throughout pregnancy and in the beginning he seemed very interested.  However, although I have his phone number and email - we hardly speak these days and I do wonder that if this is what it is like now what will it be like in a few years time.  I definitely do not want my daughter to feel rejected by him - but he will have a new life - so do I be honest? - tell her it was an agreement - he doesn't want to be contacted - or hope that he won't be scared off should she chose to contact him.  I too plan on telling my little girl how desparately I wanted her and that is the most important thing.  I too hope that will be enough for her.

Whilst I am pleased I know Alexi's dad - if he lets her down and causes her problems I will wish I didn't!  Sometimes its easier when the choice has been taken away.    

Girls good luck in your quest.  It is a long, hard journey - but worth it.

Axx


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## velvet (Oct 6, 2008)

Hi everyone! this is so so good! you are all so generous sharing feelings and thoughts!
Looks like we are all walking the same paths... I feel energized everytime I finish reading the opinions
It´s getting clear that open donor might not be a bed of roses for the baby... Thanks again for evrything and let´s keep talking about this, 
Velvet


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Velvet maybe also ask some of the girls on the lesbian thread as some have used known donors (who they know or have agreed to get them pregnant, not that they will be ID release at 1 but not many seem to talk about contact with the father.  I have a known donor who is involved in all my treatment, as is his partner, they are all involved in my care and always come to the clinic, do my injections, take my bloods etc but this will be my baby although will know the father and have contact.  There are men out there who do want to co-parent and not be ID release or known donors, and websites where people can meet them.
I do feel blessed that I have my situation, but I found once you started to mention that you wanted a child and needed sperm, friends were coming out of the woodwork offering to help.

L x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

My preferred choice has always been to co-parent, or use a known donor but unfortunately I couldn't find anybody. Or rather, couldn't find anybody I feel comfortable with.

Its all so tricky. But I just think if I'm going to 'subject' my child to the very real possibility of being rejected when they're 18, then I might just as well go and find somebody up the pub and get them rejected immediately - as so many fathers do . But don't be cross with me saying that - I know it isn't that easy to get pg, and I know that not all men are like that but............ do you know what I mean?

Ameliacooper - thank you so much for telling us your story/dilemma. It is so so helpful to hear it from somebody who is going through it. I can see your problem quite clearly - its diffcult to know isn't it? Have you been able to chat to him about his reduced interest? 



ameliacooper said:


> Whilst I am pleased I know Alexi's dad - if he lets her down and causes her problems I will wish I didn't! Sometimes its easier when the choice has been taken away.


This sums up my thoughts well

Love to all


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hiya Lou  

The issue of the sibling is the one thing that makes me feel unsure  . I'd buy sperm to use exclusively for that reason alone if I could possibly afford it


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

This has been a really interesting and thoughtful discussion and I agree that there is an issue about apparently 'identifiable' donors not being willing to have contact in the future.  I wonder Lady Lottie if you could tell us where you have come across the donors who said that they had no intention of making themselves available in the future.
I was really sad Aweeze to hear to speak about a book you had bought from us as 'rubbish'.  If it is the Our Story book for children conceived into single parent families then this was written by a group of single mothers with pictures drawn by their children and has proved hugely popular around the world.  I wonder if you would say more about why you don't like it.
Olivia


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Olivia

Of course I won't be mentioning any names but the donors I have come across have been on here, on other fertility boards, people I have met in person, and friends of mine. I guess if you ask the question (and I have many times) in the right way - you get an honest response.

Emma


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

This is a really interesting thread.  

I have used an anonymous donor whose idenity can be given to my child when he/she is 18.  This choice was very important to me and at the time I felt I wouldn't have felt able to go ahead if the donor had been totally anonymous.


There are lots of implications whichever route you go down.

Anonymous donor - the child may have unanswerable questions about their genetics (as could the mother), the child may feel hard done by because their mother chose an anonymous donor etc

Identifiable donor - the donor may not be receptive to contact in 18 years time, they may have their own family who may not be aware that he had been a donor, he may have moved away from his last known address, he may not even be alive.  Alternatively, he may be really receptive and build a meaningful bond with the child - this may be fantastic for the child or overwhelming for them - it could also be really hard for the mother to cope/deal with (and any partner of the mother who has taken on the 'Daddy' role).

There are pros and cons either way, but I think most of the cons can be eased by the way that the mother presents the situation to the child.  I think it is possible for the mother to avoid building up hopes or fears and present the story in a way that makes sense to you and your child.

In my own personal situation, an identifiable donor was important to me because I didn't grow up with my own father, but I knew enought about him to know that I could track him down if and when I wanted, which I did a few years ago.  I was interested in him, what he was like, what he looked like, whether we would immediately bond etc and often pondered this as I grew up. (From the parental point of view, I know my mother and Dad found my father a threatening prospect, despite having been positive about him when I was a child - he contacted me when I was 18 and gave my mum and dad a real shock - not to mention me!)

But, if my personal situation had been the opposite, and I had no way to identify my father, I would probably (although I will never know for sure) have just have incorporated that into my life story and not had this mystery father figure looming in the back of my mind - in some ways that could have been much easier to deal with.

So, I've waffled quite a bit, but what I think I am trying to say is that I think that neither decision is perfect, and whichever option you choose you will incorporate it into your story and your child's story and it will end up feeling like it was the most perfect decision for you.

Some1

xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

I think thats right Some1 hun. It just ha to be dealt with properly - whatever the decision is. Ands its such an incredibly personal viewpoint - one that we are all entitled to have with regards to our own family.


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## tillie (Apr 9, 2005)

Hi I am struggling with a simular situation, I am a single 40 year old woman and looking into using a donor for self insemination,I would love to go the clinic route but funds are tight.  I have looked at a donor site where they provide names etc of donors for you in your area and the only expense is the site fee which is nothing much and travel costs to the donor.  So that is 1 option, I have also asked certain friends and one has come back to me tonight to say a male friend of hers that she has known for many years and is a lovely man is happy to have all relivant tests and donate for me to fullfill my dream.  He is in his 50's and has 5 children of his own already and is fertile as his ex partner fell pregnant earlier this year but had a termination.  He wouldnt want any involvement which I know he can change his mind on later but she assures me this isnt an issue. He has said he is happy for the child to be told that he is the father when he/she is old enough if I would like that. I have another friend who I am waiting to hear his reply from but Im pretty sure he wouldnt want to be known to his child if this was succeful....it is a very hard decision and I know I need to hurry up due to my age and fertility problems. I had endo blasted away the end of May. Would you go with the friend of a friend or a total stranger from a site?  Part of me feels a friend would be better. I would just appreciate your views please.  I know not going through a clinic can be risky but feel these are my only options.  Also do any of you know if the home semen tests work?


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

This is a really useful debate, so good to hear everyone's opinions and there are pro's and con's to every which way.  I think just being clear about what you think and feel will help smooth any situation for a child.  each child is different, for some I'm sure it won't be such a big deal not knowing where some of their genetics come from and for others this will be really important, and until there is that little person in front of you dealing with those issues its hard to know all the answers.  I found that lots of the issues that I have had to wrestle with when dealing with adopting from china, where children are abandoned and have no access to any information about birth families and their genetics, has really helped me with thinking about some of the identity issues that donor children might come across. Although I am very aware that adoption is also very different to being donor conceived, and brings its own potential issues and questions for the child.  The most useful advice that translates across is about being honest from the beginning, giving information matter factly and without loaded emotion (e.g. over emphasising being 'special' as this can be hard for a child to live up to or feel that they need to! - of course all children are special, but hopefully you get what I mean), acknowledging children's feelings, only telling them what you know, i.e not feeding their fantasy about who their parents might be.. etc etc.  Of course I might be being very naive about all of this, as I'm yet to be in the situation and I'm sure those of you who already have donor conceived children are much further down this road, but for me I know that my adoption process has given me lots of useful ways of looking at things when starting down this path!  
In terms of known or ID release, I started being very clear about wanting a known donor, and whilst I found someone (friend of friend) who was willing, when he got cold feet I realised that I would always be reliant on a known donor each month being ready willing and able to get on with the task in hand!!  I am now going to a clinic and using ID release sperm, which I feel happy with although I am still struggling and probably always will, with the fact that I am bringing a baby into the world knowingly without a father.  However, being positive, I like to think that a man may come along one day who will fulfill that role!

anyway enough ramblings from me....ultimately we will all do what we feel is best for us, and we will all have spent a lot of time thinking this through which has to put us in a good position to deal with whatever we are thrown in the future!

xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

It  was quite interesting as I was discussing this with my counsellor this evening, she is of the opinion that children should be told about their origins as young as possible, but I was saying that I am using DE's now and the child will have no knowledge of this donor, and I said that I was now pleased that I was using a friend as a known donor who s/he will know about.  What are peoples thoughts about DE's are they the saem as DS- I wonder if that  becasue we will physically be giving birth it makes any difference to how we perceive it?
L


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Velvet

Wondered how you were getting on?

Lxx


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

JJ, re the donor egg vs donor sperm anonymity thing, I think it does feel different that we will give birth and imprint the eggs.  Also, the fact that we will carry and nurture the baby from the earliest time makes a huge difference for me but I am still sad that the donor is anonymous.  

The Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates book talks a lot about how we might feel towards our donor when it's donor eggs as, as well as gratitude there probably is also envy that her eggs worked where ours did not.  Whether the fact that they are anonymous or not makes a difference to this though, I'm really not sure.  Is it easier to imagine that the eggs are ours if they are anonymous?  Difficult one.  

Love and hugs to all, Felix xx


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