# Parents



## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Dear All

I'm feeling pretty down at the moment as I feel that I'm drifting away from my parents.

To give a bit of backgroud, my brother and sil have 2 children aged 1 and 3, and after a shakey start with my SIL'S relationship with my parents, they now provide childcare for my niece and nephew one day a week.  My parents are thrilled about this, and I'm pleased for them too, but I now find that 95% of their conversation revolves around their grandchildren and what they've been up to.  While I am interested in this up to a point, they are so absorbed in their new roles as carers, they seem to have lost sight of the fact that they also have a childless daughter and son-in-law, and they no longer seem to know what to talk about to us.  I think they have found it extremely difficult to accept that we can't have children and even when we were going through investigations etc. they just did not want to discuss it.
However as time goes on, we feel more and more alienated from them, as they just aren't that interested in what is happening in our lives as it can never be as fascinating as the exploits of our grandchildren.

I really don't want the relationship to deteriorate any further, but don't know what to do to address the situation.    I've thought about telling them how we fel but they've never been very good at talking about feelings as have always been of the view that if you don't think or talk about something that it won't happen or doesn't exist.    

I've read this back to myself and it does sound selfish, and I feel like a child thinking "What About Me ?".  Possibly the only solution is to accept the way they are and try not to let it get to us, but I wondered if anyone out there had experienced similar difficulties when faced with this change in the family dynamic.

Lots of Love, 

Eilidh
XXX


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Eilidh

I have seen the same thing happen to my DH regarding his parents. What makes it worse for him is his mum and dad separated when he was young, so he has two sets of parents who both talk incessantly about their grandchildren - his younger brother had kids a few years ago now.

Its a horrible situation for those who feel they are left out in the cold - and I have no answers for you about what to do about it. My SIL is a nasty piece of work, and my MIL didn't want nothing to do with her before she had kids - yet since she has had kids its a different ball game. MIL cares for my niece and nephew every day of the week so all we hear about is our suddenly 'wonderful' SIL, the kids and his brother who is a selfish little sh*t.

To compound matters, his brother and wife refuse to have anything to do with us at all, the kids barely know of our existance too so there is no way either my DH or myself can join in on any level whatsoever with any conversation that is being said about the kids. Its a stupid situation - we buy the kids christmas presents every year without fail and never know if the kids receive them or not - but as I said to my DH its not the kids faults that the parents are the way they are!

I'm really sorry to have harped on but I have no wise words for you because I've had to sit on the sidelines and watch DH's parents lose interest in him as the years have gone on because they have these adorable little grandchildren to mollycoddle. DH does have a DD but as he never seen her or knew her as a little girl it doesn't count in their eyes - its very sad.

Actually, I take back the 'adorable' bit - they are little monsters and spoilt rotten - boiled sprats I call them!  

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this with your own parents hon.

Love & huge hugs
Emcee x


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Eilidh,

Jee-whiz, I'm sorry you're feeling so low about this on top of everything else.  I can't personally appreciate your specific situation myself but I have felt myself "drifting" from many friends over the years, as they "bang on" about their children and what they're buying them for Christmas etc etc.  and that was horrible enough.  I can't imagine what it must feel like to feel like this about your parents ....

You said you'd thought about talking to them.... Maybe if you did sit them down and have a serious talk they might start to change ... what I mean is if they can see how much this is hurting you they might become more open to talking about feelings?  Only you know your parents so you'll know best how to play it but I do think if it's getting you down that much and you feel you are "drifting" away, then maybe it would be worth the risk?  IF is hard enough and feeling like we're losing our family/friends only adds to the pain we already have.

I really feel for you hun, 

Let us know how you get on.
All my love 
Gill xo

PS>  You are not acting "like a child" !!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Eilidth
I really for you as this is a difficult situation to be in. With friends/colleagues etc we can choose to walk away when these conversations start. Whereas with families we are more involved because of the dynamics of the relationship.
I am not really sure what to say? but my mum kept going on about her grandchildren and i asked if we could maybe change the subject alittle. Even though i liked to hear about them, i am also interested in other things other than children. Infact i had to say it in the end, sadly i was getting angry and got emotionally upset, but i had had enough. Luckily she took these comments on board.
I am sure our parents cannot handle the fact that we are hurting and the taboo subject of not being able to have children. Often people do not know what to say, so they avoid the inevitable. Do you think maybe your parents are just trying to talk about the children to avoid the real issues? As you mentioned they do not like to talk about feelings etc..
Is there anyway that maybe before you visit, that you can write down a plan of what you are going to say.,start by saying you enjoy hearing about the children, however this can be quite tiring and painful for you both. 
Infact its making you feel unhappy because its as if they are shutting you out..(which i am sure they do not mean too) but your life is difficult enough without having to listen to this all the time..
Can you get maybe one of your parents on their own to discuss this?
The difficult part of it is to be honest...they do not have to know all the details how hard it is for you both...but i am sure if you do sit them down and bring this up they may approach you both differently..
Do you think they are scared? scared of hurting you?
But Eilidith things have changed for you due to your circumstances. But you are still the same Eilidith and maybe you all need to re-discover that again. Before this causes you not to visit anymore and you become even more sad about your relationship...
I hope this helps alittle....i maybe barking up the wrong tree...
lots of love astridxx


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi Eilidth

I don't think you're sounding selfish at all, if you can't think 'what about me?' about your parents, who can you think it about?!  I'm sorry I can't help on the family dynamics, I'm an only child.  But when my mum goes gooey over strangers children in public and talks to them and says to me 'aren't they georgeous' the hair stands up on the back of my neck and I feel like saying 'can't you see this hurts?'  So it must be hard to feel sidelined by your family.

Perhaps when people who cope with things with the attitude of 'if I don't mention it then it's not happening' feel that if that's what they do, and nobody challenges that, then they've got away with it in a sense?  And think 'phew, that's how we'll deal with that then'.  If this is really upsetting you then I think maybe you need to bite the bullet and find the best way (which only you will really know how) to bring this up with one or other parent.  If you're worried about rocking the boat, it sounds like your boat is already rocking and it's worth the chance that you will be heard and understood so that things can get better for all of you.  If it rocks the boat even more, you'll be upset, but you then you are already.  

Sending lots of love, courage and a  

Ellie xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

I posted something similar to this a while ago- ie becoming isolated within my family.

I took on my sdaughter  at age 25- being the oldest my other brothers/sisters were a good bit younger and one lived abroad.They were good with my sd when she was young but now she is a moody teenager no-one really wants to know.

On top of this i am dealing with if. My brother and 2 sisters are all settling down now and i am already worrying about how i will feel pushed aside when they have kids.So i really empathise with you Eilidh!! 

My mum always talks about other friends kids and i am sure this will get worse when they are her grand kids.!! I dont think she means to but i have actually got very upset on occasion and told her that "just because we decided to give up treatment doesnt mean we are "over" having no children of our own!!". She reminds me of when she took a few years to conceive-yes but went on to have 5 children!! She hasnt had it easy as my brother died when he was 22 but i know she really doesnt understand the pain i feel.

Do you want to be involved in your nieces/nephews lives? I think this is what you need to ask yourself? If so then i would sit down and tell your parents that you do but that it is so hard for you to see them growing up and know that you will never have all that. Tell them also how hard Christmas/Mothers Day/School hols are. They probably never think about that.

You could also tell them that they could take some interest in your life instead of always talking about them.I know how you feel as last Sun i was at my mums for dinner- i had wedding talk all this year due to sisters wedding, another one next year and my brothers fiancée was over for dinner -they are now engaged too and all she talked about was the wedding,and also "how her mother needed grandkids"!!!! I felt like shouting "well i hope you are as bloody lucky as you think you will be"!!!!!

I seem to be able to deal with my family members on an individual basis but when we are all together i feel isolated- as if i am of no interest anymore. No wedding to plan,christening,school age kids etc.i dont think any of them realise that.

So Eilidh take the bull by the horns and tell them. If anything it might make them feel a bit guilty and there is no harm in that!! Good luck honey.


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

hello everyone
have been away for most of the week -very busy at work and too tired at night.
I really sympathise with all your issues with family.
When we had our miscarriage my sister in law who's as mad as a hatter and lives up in Auckland left a message on my husbands cellphone which we got as we where driving to the hospital to have a D and C saying "she was sorry to hear about the miscarriage and especially sorry because it meant that her 3 children wouldn't have a cousin and how awful that was for them" !!!!
She's such a mad thing that all I could do was laugh so it was probably good therapy!
My father has died and my mother is in a rest home ( my mum's a whole new story). My DH's Mum has died andhis father is in care. My sister doesn't have kids and because both DH's and my family are immigrant families we have no big extended family ourselves. I often feel sorry because of that because I feel that an extended family would soften the blow of infertility but reading your posts has made me realise that it may just make it worse!!

Lots love Emma/Joanne


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