# Did the thought of Adopting make you cry??



## Rania82 (Jan 5, 2013)

Hello Ladies, I hope the way I am feeling is normal and does not make me a "bad" person  

A long story short after finding out my husband had just a few sperms we were told ICSI was the ONLY way for us to have babies. A few years past 4 fresh failed cycles over £60,000+ lost (we paid for ALL our treatments and tests) Lots of tears, fights, and tantrums and "I can not do this anymore" but as we do we tend to force ourselves to carry on.

Than a total shock to my system, 3 days ago over dinner my husband said to me out of the complete blue 'why don't you call and see how adoption works?' I was surprised! as i thought the plan was to do a 5th IVF first? than he said
'you use to always talk about adoption and I feel it is the right time to get going' He than looked me dead in the eye and said financially my account is like a teenagers I have nothing to my name, doing a 5th cycle which will include more intense tests that costs thousands will finish my account off  :' (Also he said  "you are killing yourself during the process I hate seeing you suffer so much and I am afraid what all these drugs will do to you in the future??"   and after EVERYTHING theres no guarantee that the 5th one will work? and lets admit it doesn't look like it will work? with adoption we will get a baby compared to IVF.

I smiled as it took me forever years ago to let him even consider it. Yet WHY have I been crying for the last 3 days? WHY can I not even bring myself to call the number? I have just cried and cried and cried    I do suffer from palpitations and they are so strong and constant I do not know whats wrong with me?? Is this normal? did any women cry before they started the journey?? does this mean i am NOT ready to adopt?

Maybe I am thinking I have just turned 31 I have NOTHING wrong with me? ALL the doctors praise my uterus lining saying it is so fertile it is just waiting for a baby! My eggs have always been excellent quality. The problem is his sperms are so low and very weak causing embryo issues (he is NOT open for SD)

I am sure once I have a baby a biological one or an adopted I would love them so so much!

WHY am I so so hurt right now? I am actually shocked at my attitude   I thought I would be calling and researching like mad, instead when I am alone i just fall apart? I feel so fragile and delicate in the head!   A voice in my head says ALL those injections, ALL those intense prodding and poking ALL the meds and at the end of it all I did not walk away with a baby? I DO NOT want my husband to know How confused I am


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

My lovely, I wish I could give you a massive hug right now!

The reason you're crying, you need to heal and grieve. No LA/VA would go forward with you at the moment because of this. You need to grieve for the biological children you won't have. It's hard, and can take a long time. Most social workers expect there to be at least 6 months from the end of last IVF/pregnancy before even starting the adoption journey.

At 31 you're young for an adopter (I'm 27 and my SW constantly gushes how young I am) so there is time.

Take some time to just be with your husband. If finances allow it, go on a little holiday where you only talk about each other and not about IVF or children. 

You need to heal my darling. Adoption isn't the 'easier' process by any means and if you're not ready for the stress and upheaval caused you'll feel worse.

If your local library is anything like ours, there will be a good collection of books of adoption. In a few weeks, go and read some of them so you get a better understand of the process and the types of children needing forever families.

Feel free to PM me any time honey.

J

xx


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## baby0684 (May 20, 2012)

Im so sorry for what you have been though.

The crying maybe an emotional release after the failed attempts. It is a rollercoaster.

Like JesP has said you have to wait a while until you can apply. But there is no harm in finding out about the process. You normally call the LA/VA and they invite you to an information evening.

You need to make sure that you 2 are on the same page. The process is hard on you mentally, and on your relationship. So probably 1st I would suggest you and your partner to find out a bit more about what is involved and to chat weather it is definatley right for you both.

You do have alot of time to think, as if your wanting a small child, most La/Va say no more than a 45 year age gap.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions x


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## misskitten (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi Rania,

Maybe you have answered your own question when you say you have just turned 31 and you have nothing wrong with you. Sounds like too soon for you to move on from the possibility of having your own biological baby or becoming pregnant. 

Will your DH discuss why he is not open to DS? 
Clinics do offer counselling to discuss this option and raise all the issues involved, if DH was willing to go to appointment. 

best of luck xxxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Rania, I'm not surprised your upset.  My husband felt very much like this when we started seriously talking about adoption.  He said that it was only when we went to a first information evening - before we were really ready to do anything - that it hit him that there really wouldn't be a biological family for us.  It takes time to process that.

We both knew after our last lot of treatment ended with yet another miscarriage that there wouldn't be any more.  It was destroying us physically and mentally and leaving us living on the bread line and doing absolutely nothing, despite at that time in theory at least having a large disposable income.

I do find it odd, however, that your husband is OK with the idea of adopting, i.e. having a child that does not share his genes, but not OK with the idea of donor sperm.  That seems a little inconsistent.  Has he explained why?

Take care,

Wyxie xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Wyxie  

I didn't want to go down the donor sperm route either, yet was happy to adopt.  Very different options in my opinion.  Still hard to explain why, it just didn't feel 'right' for me/us

I do understand your husband Rania  . Also, as everyone has said, you need to grieve.  You are not ready YET.  Take your time and come back to it in a few months when your head is clearer.  

*whispers* you wont regret it and you WILL get your 'baby'  

Now, go take a break from all this and come back when you are ready  

Best of luck.
DE

PS.  Congrats on your new addition Wyxie


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Rania, so sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time. It seems like you and I are in a very similar position. My signature goes into all our treatment. Prior to our last cycle I was 100% sure that it was one last roll of the dice and if it didn't work, adoption. I'd even been to an adoption open evening and been vey honest with them about where we were on the process, one final round of IVF and if that didn't work, adoption. I'd even discussed with the agency when they would be happy for us to contact them to start the process. All through our last cycle I felt almost at peace that what would be would be as DH and I had agreed if it didn't work we were moving on, hoping to adopt. Then when I miscarried yet again DH and I started talking, I even said to him I wanted to adopt but didn't feel he was ready. Now he is talking very seriously about adoption, has asked me to ring the voluantry agency whose open evening we went to and also the two LA we could adopt through to help us make a decision about what to do. He has also said about what I am putting my body through, and that he doesn't think we should do it any more. Yet, it is me who is now faltering and have put of making those phone call for the past week. For me i know I could love any child from the work I do so I know it's not that, it's more about actually carrying a child and the idea of not doing that I am struggling with. So I just wanted I do know how you are feeling Big hugs xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Rania 

Similar thing happened to me.

We had our second and final icsi in Feb/March. We were all set to go for icsi again when we noticed an advertisement for an adoption information open day in our local area. So decided to go along.

When we left DH and I felt so positive and excited and realised that perhaps adoption is right for us. 
However, the next few weeks I spent crying, ranting, crying some more whilst trying to decide whether I was ready to give up on a biological baby. But quickly started to feel as though adoption was right for us. It's a different journey, but for me I think so worthwhile. 
Anyway now I have had some space and time to grieve I have absolutely no doubts that adoption is now our first choice. I would only consider treatment again if for some reason adoption wasn't approved but I really hope that won't be the case.

So I understand completely why you may be crying. For me it was sometimes relief at no more treatment but mostly grief of letting go of what was our dream for the past 3 years we have TTC. 
Sometimes it's overwhelming emotion at the thought of children who need a new family and what they may have been through. But definitely it's mostly grieving our new born baby that will never be. 
Expect more crying for a while but followed by such excitement if you do decide on adoption.

I'm still having sad moments but never doubting our decision, now I just feel sad that our journey has been so much harder than most other people around me. I suffered two losses, one was at 17 weeks which was very hard to bear and still causes me grief and sadness.

But I know once we start our adoption process (have been told we can start in August ) I will only look forward, but the grief will never go, will just change.

I posted a thread asking when the biological baby longing would go away and found the answers very reassuring and helpful. It's here if you'd like to read it.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=306616.0

So if you can I would recommend you spend time grieving and then reassess whether you want to go ahead with more treatment or go the adoption route. Maybe just a couple of months.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Goofy Girl xxxx


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## Rania82 (Jan 5, 2013)

Firstly I would like to thank each and every one of you for your stories and your honesty xx

It makes total sense I need to Grieve not having biological kids, and i need to grieve the fact that infertility won! Back in the days we were like 'bring it on!! we will do anything to get that positive even 10 IVFS!!, we will have our babies' and my husband has always been the strong one, ' we will keep going till we get that positive' and to hear him weak and giving up the fight to carry on hurt me alot   as when ever i was down he would be my rock and push me to keep going..

I am exhausted part of me wants to give up YET another part wants to see my smile in the childs face my curly pinky, my cheeky personality, i still want all of that    Yet being realistic a 5th one working going on my track records look rather bleak   

Than I see women doing a 5th 6th 7th even 10th cycles than i think 'surly they dont want this more than i do!? maybe i am giving up too early! if they still have the fight in them I SHOULD ALSO as i want it more than anything" so i feel guilty not going for more cycles?? it is a very tough cycle   I have always said as long as im dropping an egg i will fight this till the end?? yet a part of me says ' you have tried your best, you have done PGD from 11 embryos you just had one left, do you want to go through all that pain again?' I wish i can just see into my future and if it is worth it I will go ahead! if not i will stop now?? It is very very hard  

Than i have a strong feeling i will fail the panel! anything related to starting a family has just been an egg on face moment! and say they do not allow me to adopt?? than that is it games over!   

The amount of crying i have done in the last few years i can fill a lake! I am so broken and damaged about this all and with every pregnancy announcement every baby pic that is sent to me i just die a little more    I also feel i want that bump.. those scans.. my husband and i crying seeing the heartbeat on the screen, him carrying me to my bed and just spoiling me rotten, i would love to feel all of that! i guess i can just watch on the sidelines. I have been taking vitamins for years and folic acid! what do i do now? stop it all? thats admitting that i have given up  

Regarding DS it was like from the v v start it was ALWAYS said my eggs and his sperms he personally does not like the idea of a sperm injected into my egg? and maybe its a man thing i dont know?? looking at a child that looks a little like mommy and looks like someone else?? i think it is more psychological for him?? he is very sensitive and maybe he will feel like a failure if i was to be pregnant by a sperm doner? Ohh i am not too sure? thats my thoughts as he has always been a manly man.

If i am honest to myself i guess i am NOT ready for IVF5 and i am NOT ready for adopting so i just need to relax and pray it just fixes itself  . I honestly dont know what we are doing? and where we go from here? all i know every one is pregnant, having a baby, raising kids, and i just feel sorry for the crap were in  

I am so glad to know what i am feeling is fairly normal. I need to just let go of something that i have been killing myself for in the past! All the late nights of research, calling clinics worldwide asking about their views? its sucked everything i have. Than I find myself thinking do i need to start from scratch again with adopting? as my husband did NOTHING when it came to choosing clinics making calls? he did his sample and wrote the cheque and that was his part done. I was the one shaking on the phone, writing emails? talking like a mad lady at my appointments telling them 1000 times 'do we look like a good couple? do you see me having a baby??' and the same bull sh*t reply why not??. I think this time when we are ready I will ask my husband to do ALL the calling about adopting as i am honestly not ready. Everything seems so long winded and trying to justify why I will be a good mommy hurts the most i guess  

Again thanking you lovely ladies for your support and views, as i was so afraid that i might have offended someone. As with friends and family that all i seem to do lately is upset people and get blamed for being blunt. I guess infertility really takes away the happy go lucky i was once before  

I hope next time I am back on here i have the fighting spirit to take my forever baby x


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Rania, don't worry about offending people and being blunt, sometimes it's the only way we can protect us and infertility is a real illness. Lots of people don't get that. It hurts you physically, mentally and emotionally. Take time to heal and grieve and one day you will be a mummy xxx


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

I didn't go for IVF for the reason that it just didn't feel right my DH felt the same, we had Clomid for 8 months and that was enough for me! The thought of putting more hormones in me and all the other bits and pieces and no guarantee - no thanks! So, I think for me I did my grieving during the process.  We had always said no to IVF so we knew if the last cycle didn't work then that was it, adoption for us.  We knew that we needed to get over the fact that we wouldn't have a biological child - and the only way I knew I was ready was I came on my period and I didn't cry for what it meant I didn't have.  At this point I was ready to move on to adoption fully.  We're still at the early stages only had our initial visit and have to wait until November for our next step but I believe it gives us time to come to terms with things even more! 

I wish you all the best Rania - I'm not going to say its easy because I'd be lying, but it is possible.

Oh and I wouldn't say that infertility won - because OK, you may not have a biological child but if you do go through adoption then you will have your own LO, and that I don't think is losing


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