# Whether to Move On.....



## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Please can anyone of you lovely ladies help me or give some advice or just a listening ear.

I have tried to type this three times now so here goes.

Im 41 and been with my partner for 4 years, he has a daughter from previous marraige of 16, sometimes i get jealous of their relatioship as i have no children.  He agreed to try to a baby with me and after a year or so we had investigations, have one blocked tube and high fsh.  So we agreed to ivf and then just before he said he didnt want to do it and was happy with just the two of us as he had been diagnosed with an hereditry heart condition called dilated cardiomyopathy which is quite serious although he is doing really well.

Anyway after many discussions he agreed to do it for me because he loved me and didnt want to lose me.  We had tx in March and i got a positive result.  He flipped at first but came round very quickly thankfully and had been nothing but supportive in the end.  anyway i miscarried in may and he always said after he said he didnt want a child that he would do it one time only.  Well after the miscarraige he agreed to one more go but both of us wanted to move on either way by early next year.  I have ocd and its been really bad the last two years, brought on my trying to concieve..  It can be dibilitating at times.

anyway we were due to start in a couple of weeks and now my ocd is really bad and im wondering wether i should just move on as i feel insane and its really hard work to cope when ocd hits badly.  I feel selfish that if i managed to get pregnant my other half would have to at some point look after the baby ans psychologist has said itwould probably come back witht a vvengance or I would most likely get post natal depression but will get the help for it.  Im not sure i can cope with this but will i alsways regaret it if i dontr try one more time.  My partner really really doesnt want to do it again  but has said he will do it for me.  he obviuosly knows he will love a cxhildd if one came along bt he doesnt know how he;ll cope if my ocd gets severe it cuold affect our relationship.  Its not always just been about babies for me, its about being in a loveing relationship , althought im aware this can not always be guaranteed.    Im happy with my life but always wanted or thought i would have a child but never really thought ocd woPlease please help  uld be a probablem. 

I really think i need to consider moving on and accepting my life as it its and look forward to being a nan by his daugher    one day.

How do you not regret your decision as thats what im worried about as well as my mental healthy?


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Bump!!

Please someone respond, so many people reading but no responses..


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## purplejr (May 20, 2009)

Hi,

Didn't really want to read and run like the others but not sure if I can offer any advice.

We were on our 3rd attepmt and due to finances it would have probably been our last. Don't really know how I would have coped as I've been suffering with depression through our treatment and was worried about it tipping me over the edge.

I don't think your selfish for wanting your own child as I think it's what most of us on here really want. It's different for men I guess as I don't think most really get the ticking clock that is our fertility. Like you say he would obviosly love any child that did come along but probably just doesn't understand the  longing we go through. It may be that he is really worried about what effect the treatment and success/failure has on your mental health and doesn#t like to see you suffer like that. They're funny creatures when it comes to telling you what they're really thinking.

Sending you lots of      for whatever you decide.

xxxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

It is hard to be where you are. To some extent I have been there, I've been through IVF and got pregnant through it and then lost the baby. It was the craziest rollercoaster and incredibly stressful. I don't know what it is to have ocd - although I boardered on it when I went through a long and deep depression after losing Grace. My view is that you need to look after the ocd first. And I do know that the old clock is ticking. But I think that the whole process is so stressful, that you need to get a handle on the ocd. When I got pregnant with the FET I was a total wreck from start to finish. It was high drama all the way - and I could not cope with it. (Anyone who was on FF when I was going through it will tell you how difficult it was for me.) It was so stressful for me that it made me realise that I had run out of energy for this sort of thing. I was used up! 
But I understand your yearning to have a child I really do - because I felt it too. For me (and many like me in these boards) IVF did not produce the baby I so longed for - and it did almost cost me my mental health. What is it with this society that it makes us feel such failures if we don't breed!? I wish it wasn't so brainwashed into us - that we could more easily opt for a child-free life. Well, that's what I've opted for. And it was no easy decision - but in time it was my only sane option. I don't regret it, because it was so empowering for me to be able to say 'Hold on - I choose to stop this craziness - I'm going make the best of my life as it is.'
This is just my perspective of course. I do know how you feel and wish I could make it better for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Bernie xxx


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Thankyou so much bernie for your response.  You are the only one so far from all the sites and people ive spoke to that have actually known how this affects you mentally sometimes.  This is no disrespect to anyone who has helped, adviced or even listened its just so hard how this has affected me mentally for 3 years now and im tired of it...  Ive had counselling, therapy and i cant seem to shift it completely, i may be fine for a week or a month and then as soon as the pressure starts for ivf, losing weight etc et i go to point.

When i got pregnant i was a wreck, i thought it was down to my partners reaction at first but then when he got used to it he was fine but i was still thinking oh my god, what am i going to do, what about downs, what if we split up, im old, how will this affect my life etc etc etc but this is not just normal worrying like others this is excessive, obessive worrying so you cant eat, sleep and sometimes function.  how can i do with with a child, yet i know there are many many other women who would have loved to have the oppurtunity to have another go so why cant I?

you had a few attempts and lost your poor babies so I cant totally totally understand why you stepped off the emotional roller coaster but ive only had one go...

Would it be ok to pm you??


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Sorry,

That was meant to read i "can" totally understand not cant....


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes - of course you can pm me. 
Bernie xx


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