# ethical dilemma, getting rid of freezies



## chols007

we had ivf a year ago and i had my gorgeous boy/girl twins, we also had 2 freezies left. it was a situation i never gave that much thought to beforehand but now its turned into somethigbthat playson my mind constantly. in an ideal world i think we'd just have the twins but i am having such probs with the idea of getting rid of 2embryos. we cant give them away as i had it done abroad and id feel a bit weird about that to be honest. i can see myself having to have a third to relieve some of the guilt but then to be honest it wouldnt make it any better as id still have to get rid of another one. do i have 4kids knowing i ever wanted that amount because i cant bear to get rid of them or just try and make myself believe that they are just a bundle of cells and not two potential children.
any advice or Experiences would help me so please post a reply even if just an opinion, i feel totally unable to make the decision at the mo


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## Tommi

Hi Chols007

It is such a difficult issue isn't it? I think if you're not ready to make the decision then don't feel pressured. If you decide not to try for any more babies is there the possibility of the embryos being used for science? That might be a way of knowing that they had a very valuable role in helping others. 

It is just a thought and I know that's not for everyone. I wish you well in your decision making  

Txx


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## L_ouise

Hiya 

I struggle with this issue a lot too. I think ahead and worry about the moral implications of allowing embryos to die.

I was upset to discover that they disposed of an abnormally fertilised embryos without even consulting me about it.

I have discussed it with my husband and we have agreed to use any and all embryos that we create.

The alternative would be donation, but I am also not very comfortable with this decision.

I know that the thought of someone else raising your children is a difficult one, but dont forget that it is also a very selfish one. To refuse someone in need having something surplus to you simply because you would rather no one have it, is not very christian. If it is not meant to happen, then the pregnancy will not be successful.


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## rosebud_05_99

hi, i also worry over this , my dh and i also decided to use all embryos and im incredibly upset when my embryos dont make it as i feel i have created them, unfortunately none have worked for me yet and ive been through 14 three of which were miscarriages and i feel so guilty about that even tho there is nothing i could have done, if i was in your postition i would donate and if i was happy my family was complete i would wish that joy for someone else and not everyone can create embryos of their own. rosebud


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## vickym1984

We donated ours to research as couldn't just let them die and at the time we didn't believe we would be having more treatment

We now do want treatment for a sibling, but have chosen a clinic that allows you to donate the embryos to other couples, which is what we wanted to do originally, but our clinic didn't offer it. So thats what we will be doing if we have spare embryos. I am also egg sharing so am happy with that decision x


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

It's a Dilema I believe a lot of ladies with high quality multiple frozen embies face, in fact it's something I spent a good half an hour discussing with some ff ladies at a meet up today, it's such an emotive thing especially made difficult by the changes to annonimity laws surrounding donors. Luckily (unless I misunderstand) you are not currently under an immediate time limit, research your options and when you feel ready to reach a final decision either way know that it is only you who can decide what is right or wrong for you as a woman and your existing family unit, it will always be a difficult decision NO woman who has struggled through infertility takes the magic and promise of an embryo lightly xxxxxx



L_ouise said:


> The alternative would be donation, but I am also not very comfortable with this decision.
> 
> I know that the thought of someone else raising your children is a difficult one, but dont forget that it is also a very selfish one. To refuse someone in need having something surplus to you simply because you would rather no one have it, is not very christian. If it is not meant to happen, then the pregnancy will not be successful.


Louise - you don't pull any punches with your opinions do you?  The answers that are right for one couple may not be right for the next, I dont think selfishness comes into it. Xxx


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## goldbunny

i have three frosties now and am having to think about what might happen. i am determined that i will go back for them no matter what. but i think it would be irresponsible to have more children than i could afford. so there is a dilemma really.
but i like to believe things happen for a reason.


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## Ellie.st

I was in the same position as you (well, just one DD rather than twins  ) with three frosties left after three fresh IVF attempts.  DH was never that keen on having children but had agreed to one before we realised we had IF problems.  After a long time ttc, we eventually had DD against all our expectations.  During the pregnancy, I developed severe pre-eclampsia and she had to be delivered 8 weeks early - quite scary stuff - and I was told there was a fairly high chance of it recurring in any future pregnancy, with possible bad consequences for any new baby, myself and, therefore my DD and DH too . 

I couldn't put my frosties out of my mind, however.  DH was adamant that we shouldn't have a FET and I put off the decision to go for FET for as long as possible, until the deadline for further tx (due to my age) was looming, as I was so worried about what would happen if we went ahead and it worked.  But to me personally, having the embies destroyed or even giving them for research, was just not right. I felt that these little bundles of cells deserved a chance, and that it was up to me to give it to them. I felt this both from an ethical and religious point of view. (I know other people feel differently and I am not saying that they are wrong - but I personally could not have gone down either of these routes.)  DH eventually agreed that we should have tx because he respected how strongly I felt about it, even though he had no ethical problem with disposing of them and, in fact , felt that I was being irresponsible risking my health.  He saw the embryos merely as "means to an end" which had helped us have our DD.  Donation of embryos wasn't an option available to us but I am not sure I would have been comfortable with that either.

We had a roller coaster FET cycle and on ET day it seemed that none of the embies had even survived the thaw.  I asked for them to be put back anyway, not for a moment thinking that there was any chance of a BFP (and, to be really honest, feeling more relieved than disappointed).  In fact, two of the embies implanted.  I lost one at about 9 weeks but the other is now my beautiful little 23-month old DS.

The second pregnancy was not easy - I was worried about things going wrong although, thankfully, I went to 39 weeks with only minor problems. DH was, frankly, taken aback that the FET had worked and it would be wrong for me to say that it didn't place our relationship under a strain.  However,  what I can say is that our DS is deeply loved by us all (including DH), and has added so much to not only our lives as parents but also to my DD's life. 

I don't really have any advice other than I think that you, like me, will reach a point when you know what you should do (that is, if you don't already know deep down). If there is no looming deadline for making a decision, then give yourself more time.  But, equally, if you already know deep down what you need to do, don't prolong the stress of agonising over it (IYKWIM).

The one other positive thing I can say is that having two or three frosties to think about is (almost) manageable.  I'm not sure what I would have done if I had had lots...  

Wishing you all the best.

Ellie


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