# Kinda off topic and a little bit personal!!!



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls- maybe no-one will reply to this but i didnt want to post it on the relationships board as i feel it is personal to us "moving on lot"

Does anyone ever feel guilty that they are not as close to their dh/dp in an intimate sense as they were. I sometimes feel that since we  have given up actively ttc that my dh is suffering in this way but i cant really shake myself to do much about it.

That is to say -he is still very interested in the physical side and to me a lot of that was about having a baby. Now that is all gone sometimes i am so tired that i cant get up the enthusiasm,especially in the winter (although Christmas was better as we were off work ). I have told him a few times that it is not that I dont love him as I do - but it is not the be all and end all to me.

He is older than me by 10 years and i think- "G0d, what will i be like in 10 yrs if i am like this now"!!! It only ever gets to a few weeks at the most when I succumb and i do offer other alternatives!! 

Should i feel guilty or should i be doing more to help him feel better-when i am finding it hard to feel good about it all 

Any suggestions gratefully appreciated!


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## Joan (Oct 22, 2005)

Hi there,

in the same boat. am watching the board in anticipation of suggestions.

Actually I was just looking into herbal remedies to see what i could take.

love joan xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Yes,tried oil of evening primrose before but doesnt work with my insides- enuf said!!!


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Well I have no shame in saying that I have not had sex in about 4-5 months. I was just starting to get a feel for it again when winter came and with the change of season came the change in drive. We have been like this now for 5 years. DH is always up for it and the only time I am is when I am ovulating and well knowing my eggs are not going to get fertilised kinda kills any passion.

Counselling for this is very expensive, I also have issues from my childhood that contribute and quite frankly get sick of being judged for my lack of drive. In the past when I have mentioned our situation I have gotten that look of 'oh she can't really love him' or 'whats wrong with her'. Well my hormones have been all over the shot for 5 years now and that is what is wrong with me. I don't base my life or relationship on our sex life but on how close we are and how we deal with our problems and life together. We still cuddle, hold hands and kiss but I and my body needs more time. Pressure will not help nor will guilt. You cannot help the way you feel and no matter how many books you read that will not change. I know some people say try starting off with cuddles, then move onto slight touching with no expectations etc etc but to me it is ALL pressure and I don't need it. All I need is patience. I read a really interesting article recently that basically said it was quite normal to be the way I am and a lot of people go through droughts. 

I am sorry I do not have any advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone. I guess for some people advice can be taken but for me I have a very hard time letting my barriers down on this subject and end up being a bit prudish!! I feel in time I will get better. Well that's what DH and feel anyway.

xx


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## moggy3 (Jan 13, 2007)

I think we all need to be a bit easier on ourselves.

We have all been through a really rough time throughout treatment and it will take a considerable amount of time to feel anywhere near normal again.

Speaking personally neither my DH nor myself have ever put a sex life high on our list of priorities-even in the early stages of our relationship-Ive never quite understood why so many people think its the most important thing 
We've always placed far more importance on basing our relationship on a solid foundation of love,trust,respect,communication, a shared sense of humour and being each others best friends   All of these things have got us through some very tough times, especially when our sex life has dwindled.

We are slowly trying to resume something of a 'normal' sex life. A very difficult prospect when you've spent the last 7 years trying to time it so you might conceive-for years that was the only time of the month I actually felt up for anything, it was as if my brain was saying 'well, if you're not going to get pregmant what's the point' 

But as a couple we have always been so close, loads of kisses, cuddles (we could hug for england)  and that has always stayed constant even when we've had times without sex for a few months-an ironic situation to be in when you're trying to get pregnant.

So I think we all just have to go easy on ourselves and as long as you keep talking and your DH/DP knows you still love him then we'll all get through it


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx girls. It helps to know i am not alone. I think that my dh feels i just dont love him and is looking for reassurance. As well as failing at ttc again you know the story of his dd leaving home last Aug. I think he is afraid that i will do the same despite the fact that i have repeatedly told him i wont.

He sees sex i think as us sticking together  I suppose where i prefer to feel safe and secure and I dont think this will change. I wish i didnt feel so guilty though. Maybe it is him making me feel like this but he is kind of sensitive (but also blokey!) - how many men afterall win custody of their children from birth

There is no real answer. My best friend i know doesnt have a terrible lot of it either- she had cancer of the womb 8 years ago and I suppose for her it was the same- ie she knew she would never get pregnant.She now has a 4 year old thru surrogacy and is running round after her so prob even less time. I keep thinking that if we too had a young child then there wouldnt be much going on either! Ha ha


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello IE and everyone,

I really feel that we need to give ourselves a break from pressure here.

As we all know, sex for us people facing IF issues became a fraught topic. When pregnancy did not come as an easy result of loving and contraceptive-free sex, I bet we all focused on the "fertile days" and "performed" on cue. After a while of IF I know I ignored all the scientific stuff and did things like keeping my pelvis propped up on pillows just in case keeping those sperm in there a bit longer might help, no matter what the textbooks said! And then we have all had the stress of waiting to do a test to see if at last this month we had been lucky? I also remember that when I did get pg I did not want sex, just in case it might cause a problem, again even though the text books said otherwise! Then at our first go at egg collection I looked at DH with tears in my eyes and said "this is not the right way to have a baby." This sort of thing is bound to kill off any sense of sexual spontaneity and fun. 

It takes a lot of time to recover from that. And maybe it takes longer for the woman who has usually had to undergo more of the medical intervention. Meanwhile the male partner may be feeling unloved?

I believe that there are fundamental differences between men and women with regard to sexual desire. I think women are less keen to have sex when life and relationships are not quite right, and that women need to feel things are all OK before relaxing enough to enjoy sex. On the otherhand, men seem to need sex to reassure themselves that things are OK. 

I feel that there may be biological factors that explain these differences and that go back in our genetic/evolutionary history. In very simple terms: women facing pregnancy/early motherhood were very vulnerable and so needed to feel sure the man would stick around to support her and her children. Whereas men's vulnerability was different - how could a man be sure that he was the likely father of any child unless he felt totally wanted by the woman? Why should he support a woman otherwise? 

We may have left such survival considerations behind in our history, but I wonder whether the evolutionary facts still influence our behaviour and feelings? And how complicated can these become when IF is an issue for a couple? Maybe partners need to understand and deal with such differences in order to move forward together, and to enjoy sex as nothing more or less than a celebration of a love that is not dependant on reproduction.

And maybe we IF couples need to be reassured that other long term couples also have sex drive issues to deal with? IF is not the only challenge. There are other factors that may affect the fertile and the infertile, such as age and time, grief and loss, physical ill health, tiredness, stress and depression. So many long term couples have issues to deal with.

I realise that my comments are not an easy answer. But by this time in our lives, I think we know there are no easy answers?

However, on an optimistic note, I can say that having survived the unexpected trauma of IF, we are well prepared to deal with all kinds of challenge. 

And that we are all here to support ome another.

LOL

jq xxx


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