# To Tell or Not To Tell ??????



## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

I would really appreciate your thoughts with this pleeasssee.....

I have been in my job now for nearly 6 months now and absolutely love it, for the first time ever I feel valued and honestly feel that I am an important member of our little team, I work hard and it is very important for me to be a success at work, I dragged myself through debt and Uni as a mature student so I could get this job so understandably I really don't want to loose it  

Anyway I am about to start tx again which as you know will involve numerous forthcoming appointments and sadly the only clinic I can use only provides appointments between 8:30 and 9:30 which means everytime I have an appointment I am late for work   In the past I have got away with it as my boss knows about my last m/c so for the tx I had after, it was presumed that I had gyney probs that needed sorting out, which was why I was having so many hospital appointments (a little white lie) due to the break in tx I have had recently I am not sure I can go down that road again without blatantly lying which I don't really want to do - leaving me with the other choice of actually telling them the truth   

This leads me on to the unsure bit as I have already lost one job due to tx and I would be devistated if this happened again especially as I am so happy where I am working now (and with the economic climate as it is) but I am worried if I don't tell them the truth and they find out, I will loose my job anyway and on bad terms   Part of me thinks I should be honest with them and they will respect me more for that but then again that is what I believed with the job I lost!! I just feel so confused and scared   All my work colleagues know I am single too so if I get a BFP its going to be pretty hard to explain and I don't want them thinking I had a one night stand. Also none of my work colleagues are parents or as far as I am aware do not know what it is like to be desparate to be a mum, saying that they all were very suppoortive when I had the m/c but they don't know how I got pg or that it was my 2nd m/c as if I had told them I would never have got the job I am sure.  

I just feel so worried about making the wrong decision and it is now really stressing me out as reality will hit very soon as if AF is on time my baseline scan will be early June around the 6th.

Anyway would love to hear your thoughts if my garbled message above makes sense  

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Sorry also meant to say that I know there are employment laws in place to prevent employers discriminating but trust me there are ways and means that if they want to get rid of you they will find a legal way to do it - which is just what happened the last time  

This is sooo hard I really don't want to loose the trust, respect and loyality I have worked at gaining over the last 6 months but I could loose this either way - telling the truth and/or lying


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Could you explain to your manager if it is the same one who anew that you had a mc and was helpful, that you are undergoing some treatment for a gynae issue (not a lie) and that you may need to attend the clinic for scans at various time in your cycle (not a lie) they do these first thing in the morning and that you are more than happy to work later in the afternoon or use an AL day spread out to cover the hours you'll need. That is what I say to my manager (man) I say it is to do with when I lost my baby (his wife has had multiple m/c) 

Do you have an occupational health dept that you could consult in confidence?

Wishing you lots of luck
L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Yes, this is a really difficult one FM, I do sympathise

I have not told work at all about any of my tx over the past 18 months of 4 fresh cycles, 1 FET, plus the miscarriage/ERPC. I have invented migraines, family responsibilties, taken holiday, and (for the ERPC part) mentioned unspecific 'gynae/health' problems requiring a minor operation

As soon as I am successfully/securely pregnant (ie at 12 weeks) I will tell them the truth about how it came to  be, and if they ask, will share as many details as people want to know. I am not ashamed or embarrassed about my choices, I simply don't want them to know until it's happened because like you, I know that it may change their attitude towards me if they think I am ttc....and if I was in a relationship and trying naturally I wouldn't be sharing that info with them anyway...

On the other hand, it's very hard to tell white lies/conceal things all the time and it does add to the stress. I am very lucky in that my job is generally flexible, with no specific working hours and as long as I get the job done there are few questions asked (the problems have only arisen when I have had specific meetings/committments which I have agreed to and then tx timings have changed and I've had to pull out of things at the last minute....but these things happen and if I'd got sick or something, I'd have had to do that anyway. No one is indispensible and it's only work after all - I refuse to let it become more important than my ultimate aim of having a child)

Anyway, long story short I think I would opt for the little white lie scenario here and tell your boss that you are having some ongoing treatment/testing related to the miscarriage/gynae related, not serious but does require some regular hospital appointments for a while. You will make up the time and ensure your work gets done, but you will need to come in late a few times as the hospital cannot arrange earlier appts...

As long as you get the job done and make up the time, I cannot see a problem with this...

Best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi FM,

I agree with Suity, it is a difficult one, and as you say, there are ways to find loopholes in the law when it comes to discrimination.  This is why I have told no one at work yet, and won't until I am announcing I am pg!

I'm office based with no flexibility so have used 1/2 day annual leave for my appointments and will do the same around tx - I don't like it as my annual leave is RUBBISH but avoids all the questions of why I am seeing medics and I feel uncomfortable not telling people the truth.

I like JJ1's idea of using a days leave spread out over the days where appointments fall, thanks JJ1 I think that will come in handy!

Good luck with your decision hun, glad you are set to go soon hun
Love
Jovi x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

FM - its is a difficult one - I have told my line manger - although part of me wishes I hadn't!  To work co's I don't say anything - if they ask I just state its gynae problems... They normally back off then.
It is a hard one to be in as I know that if I was with someone I'd get time off to go to appointments - no questions asked!!
All the best mini x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi FM, 

This is a difficult one for you 

I have only told 2 close friends that I work with of my plans, but I haven't told anyone in management and I won't until I am at least 12 wks pg. Although I haven't actually started tx yet, I have used both annual holiday and medical passouts for appts for tests that I have had to have. For the medical passouts I have just stated that I had a hospital appt and that was that - no questions asked. If I do get asked I will also state gynae probs.

Good luck with making your decision.

Lou-Ann x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

I have told most people I work with including my line manager and I have had fantastic support from them.

After treatment, during 2ww and beyond I have to limit what I do at work and wouldn't be able to do this if they weren't aware. My job is secure too which I'm sure makes a big difference. Also I am unable to take A/L at short notice etc.

It is a totally personal decision and only you really know the implications for work etc. I think I am in the minority in the telling work camp.

R x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

Huge thanks for all your thoughts with this I really appreciate them, I went to see the local employment advisory service today and they also commented on how difficult a decision this is to make especially as we do not even have a maternity provision as law here yet. Basically the only way that my employer can get rid of me is if my work suffers or level declines and/or for not working my 'contractual hours' ie continual lateness or absences, even though the absences are for notified medical appointments. For the latter there really isn't anything I can do about this as the appointments have to be met. General consenses from the advisory service was as I have a good level of respect and value at my work ,they think the best thing is to be honest. After literally agonising over this I have taken the plunge and agreed to tell the truth and hope and pray I have made the right decision   

The main reasons for this are:

I have worked very hard at gaining a high level of respect, trust and integrity at work and I do feel that this is recipricated.

I think that they will respect me more for telling the truth rather than leading them to believe that there is something wrong with me.

Coming from a small island it is a possibility I get seen arriving or leaving the clinic. 

I feel that my boss will be disappointed in the long run that I didn't tell them the truth and let them believe there was something wrong with me and maybe giving them a reason to worry about the possibility of long term sick leave.

I also think that they will put 2 & 2 together when I pronounce my BFP (if I ever get another one!).

I don't want to betray their trust and then give them a reason why they need to get rid of me because I am a dishonest person (or just not able to share the whole truth) and they now cannot trust me or won't trust me.

After 4 more IUI's I will be going back to IVF which means then I will have to tell them anyway as I will need even more appointments more last minute and also a last minute flight to the UK for a few days (I think the last time I only had 24 hours notice before my flight) this is particulary difficult as they need more notice to cover my role in my absence and after both of my last IVF cycles I eneded up in hospital with OHSS

It is also policy to take a minimum of at least 1 period of 10 consequtive days annual leave - impossible to book if I don't know the dates of my tx cycle and also the no notice thing as well, as the fact they have hasseled me on more than one occasion to get this leave booked. 

I think I will feel less stressed during treatment if I know I do not need to invent some excuse for time off

Pulling a sicky isn't an option as sick leave is strictly recorded and reported on a monthly basis including the costs of this to the Company - Ironically it is my job to report this, as well as report on high Bradford Factor ratings for individuals.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssseeeeeee let this not bite me on the bum later   

I do appreciate this is a BIG risk and lets face it once this is done it cannot be undone, but it is also a BIG risk not telling, but basically if I tell the truth it could be looked upon bad (although they will have to tread very carefully legally) but if I don't tell the truth this will definately be looked as bad   

I guess I just have to be trust them      

ITS JUST SO MADDENING THAT I HAVE TO JUSTIFY THIS TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY IF I HAD A PARTNER IT WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY EMPLOYER, BUT I GUESS THE ARGUMENT IS TRYING FOR A BABY WITH A PARTNER IN THE NATURAL WAY WOULDN'T IMPACT ON MY JOB AT ALL  AND I WOULD'NT NEED TIME OFF WORK EITHER 

Anyway I have requested a meeting tomorrow so I can just get this awful time over with and I have the rest of the week off so they can digest what I have said during the rest of the week and hopefully the shock will be over by next Monday when I am back   I am REALLY REALLY nervous i'm sure they will see this and hopefully it will go in my favour and they will realise how important my job is to me. 

Thanks again   

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Good luck Full Moon - I hope you receive the sort of support that Roo describes at her place of work.  It may be that this is far more of an issue for you (given the private nature of TTC) than it ever will be for your work colleagues and therefore simply result (once the initial curiosity dies down) in greater flexibility for you and a source of encouragement and support from the individuals working with you.     that this is the case for you.

A-Mx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hope it all goes well for you today Full moon

R xx


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi FM, hope today has gone as you hoped and they are supportive of you decision
Love
Jovi x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hope it all went well.  
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

I just wanted to say a big thank you for all your thoughts and well wishes  

Well I took the plunge and broke the news to my boss and manager   OMG I was so nervous I could bearly squeeze the words out!! I know it was a huge risk but I am happy to report that they could not have been nicer or more supportive   They said that they are happy for me to attend the clinic appointments as long as I make the time up and let them know when they will be as soon as possible. My boss said that she is happy for me to share as little or as much as I want but said sometimes it is easier to speak to someone other than friends and family and as we work so closely together she wants to be as supportive as possible. OMG I just can't believe it !! I feel like I have lost a stone in wieght off my shoulders and I am so pleased that I found the courage to do this. I do realise though that this could have also ended in tears but I feel pretty confident that it wont. They both thanked me for being honest and wished me every success  

So I guess I am one of the lucky ones   Take care all   

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

That's wonderful FM. 
What a relief!
I'm so pleased you can carry on now feeling they're supportive rather than you feeling guilty about undergoing this (it's bad enough anyway without that!)
Have a good weekend!  
Best wishes
OneStep


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Thanks guys have a great weekend


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

So glad it went well FM, I know what a relief it can be, and I hope it makes treatment a little less stressful.

E


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Great news Fullmoon, will make it so much easier for you now,

r x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

so pleased for you

L x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

great news...one less thing to have to worry about  
xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

That's great news FM  

Lou-Ann x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Thanks guys yes still shocked it went so well but so relieved   Back to work tomorrow my week off has just flown by!!!!


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