# Not admitting to depression through fear it will affect adoption chances



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi am after some advice around depression and adoption (sorry, it's probably been asked lots before).

I took time out from work last week so have to self cert; don't feel that  I'm ready to go back yet as work with complex families/pregnant mothers etc. and am really struggling with that, and my grief, at the moment. I should go to the GP in the morning and get a sick paper or I risk going back when I'm not really ready and then being off again as a result in a few weeks/months which will get me in more bother with HR.

I'm terrified of being honest with my doctor though, terrified that if they put depression/anxiety on my paper that this will make it harder for me to adopt. Ordinarily I would say that it's really important to be honest about your mental health and look after yourself. I strongly believe that my infertility issues are what have given me an absolute battering this past few years. A recent adoption enquiry form we had though asked straight away about depression. I'm really scared and don't know what to do.

Can I ask my GP to write something other than stress/depression? I don't lie well, always prefer to be honest, but am really scared. Any advice?xx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi mm


I have PM you x


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## Marley49 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hey,

Firstly I hope you're ok and that you have some support.

I was like you with regards to not wanting to tell anyone, I was worried that it would ruin my chances of adoption. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years, and have been off sick, on medication, back and forth to the docs. I can honestly say that my social worker wasn't the slightest shocked, this was because I was open, honest and said how I was managing it.

Having just had a match fall through just a few days before He came home I am glad I was honest about my depression as it was clear to everyone how difficult it was for me.

I can understand that you don't want to tell anyone, but I would advise that you do. You need to stay off work until you are better.

Xx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Hi Miss Mayhem, I was in a very similar position to you after my 2nd miscarriage.  I managed  a children's centre and the thought of going into work and being surrounded by pregnant ladies or having to go to a child protection meeting made me feel 100 times worse. My dr signed me off with grief on the basis that's what she would have signed someone who's close relative had died off with.  That said at both the adoption info evenings we have been too they have said they 'expect' people to at some point have had something wrong with thier mental health and that it is fine.  Take care of your self xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

I have pm'd you Hun   xx


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your responses. If I didn't have the support I get from so many of you wonderfull girls (and men sometimes!) on here I really don't know how I would've coped with all this. And I say that knowing that my story so far has been a lot easier than most. I really am ever so grateful and shall be carting my considerable behind back to the GP in the morning. I think I have a nice bout of PMT en route too to make it that bit nicer! Still though I'm secretly having the 'what if this month is my time' thoughts though. Why is there not a tablet we can take to stop us having those!!?  love, hugs and thanks to you all.  . MM xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

When I fell into depression following the infertility and miscarriages, the biggest roadblock in my recovery was my own stigma. I set myself a bar and said that I would not apply to adopt until I felt able to "own" my life story without shame or fear of rejection. This was no arbitrary bar ... My self beliefs would have an enormous effect on my children, muchless my resilience (or lack thereof).

I understand and empathise deeply with your motivation to hide away what you are experiencing, but in the long term, you are doing yourself a disservice. Imagine what a beautiful, confident person you will be when you have overcome something like depression... And imagine how many people will benefit from your resilience as well! There is no shame in recovery, only pride and joy. And what a gift to pass on to your future children, who will certainly experience depression, anxiety and shame themselves, many times, in their lives.



PMT makes everything 100000000x worse. Xx it shall pass!!


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks again to you all, and for yet another eloquent addition handstitchedmum. I've never really had depression before; yes I've felt low at certain periods in my life but have always been confident of the cause and effect so an 'depressive' symptoms were held in the context of my reaction to whatever the difficult situation was.

My GP today was great; he actually LISTENED and heard what I was saying. He feels that I'm very borderline and that if my symptoms continue I should be medicated to help me get through this. It's difficult when medical profession says one thing and the counselling profession says another. As he really heard my concerns though he said that something he would be willing to do would be to prescribe me fluoxetine which are anti-depressants regularly used in the treatment of PMT so this would, in effect, kill three actual birds with one stone: help ease my symptoms, help during PMT periods (which are flaring up out of nowhere - but probably because my fixation is on trying to get pregnant rather than watching my mood and tracking those symptoms) and it won't be registered as prescribed for depression as such so if adoption agencies DID have an issue it would be covered.

He heard all my concerns; got me lots of CBT reading material on depression and grief to help me through it and reassured me that I'm not going mad but am reacting quite normally to everything that has been going on.

The only thing that we disagreed with is work. He wanted to sign me off for longer to give me chance to start doing some of this work and stop me just going back on autopilot. I feel guilty for being off already so insisted on going back next week and cancelling my weekend away this week as I can't justify going somewhere to enjoy myself when, theoretically (as I don't work weekends) I should be at work; that just doesn't sit right with me.

So, I feel better for going, but then went to see my mother who told me I need to 'snap out of this now' and asked how I think _she_ feels all the time knowing that I am feeling low! Am totally gobsmacked, of all the people possible I NEVER thought I would hear that from my mother, the woman who I love and admire more than anything and anyone; the woman who makes me want to be like her and has, unbeknownst to her, been the only reason that I've not done something stupid this past few months. I really thought she had just a little idea of how difficult this is; seems not though. As a result she had a little show of what I really have been like, and what DH has had to contend with this past few months, the mask slipped. Then I walked out before she really saw how angry and hurt I am as I was about to erupt. I love my mother more than anything 

Handstitchedmum, did you achieve/surpass your own expectations? Has your resilience come back? I don't know where I've put mine!  Thanks for the hug and thanks to you ALL for your support, it means more than I can say.xx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

MissMayhem, yay to a Dr to who listens and to feeling better about things having seen them. The work one is a tricky one and you have to do what feels right to you. For a long time I prided myself on never being off sick, getting into work when I was unwell, feeling cross with my team when they were off sick (although I never voiced that and never would, I was always a very supportive line manager). When I was subsequently off sick because of my miscarriages, initially I didn't feel like I should leave the house, as I was off sick. However, it was a just before Christmas and being at home made me more miserable so I did start doing nice things, including going Christmas shopping. It was the first time I realised that just because you were unwell and couldn't be at work, it didn't mean you were bed ridden and that actually sometimes you might be off sick from one job but perhaps if you did a different job you might not be off sick, and that was certainly the case for me. I could have gone back a lot sooner if I wasn't surrounded by pregnant ladies and having to attend child protection meetings etc. Anyway, I guess what I am saying is don't beat yourself up if you do do nice things while you are not a work, as those nice things are the things that will help you feel better. As for your mum, sending a massive massive  . There is this fantastic circle thing, which I will try and find the link to that if I was braver I would have sent to some of my friends, that you can also use with family. It basically talks about support going in and dumping out. It was created by someone having cancer treatment but works equally well for infertility.
Take care
xxx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

MissMayhem - I am really pleased that your doctor was so lovely and helpful 😊
I've read some of that CBT stuff and it's really worth a read. It helped me to gain a grip of reality again when it was drifting off after a bit of an anxious time.  

I am sorry that your mum was not very understanding today. I hope she will put it down to her having an off moment and she will come round to being more sympathetic. 

Thanks for your reply. If you ever need any other advice or support you know where we are. Good luck honey  and look after yourself  Xxx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

This is that ring thing I mentioned

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

/links


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