# New daily messages thread (late!) April/May



## emilycaitlin

Welcome to the new home for daily messages, for (late!) April/May.  Good luck everyone!!!!

kelway
linchick  
sarylou  
suszy    
keira      
maz      
gabrielle  
Honeyprincess  
TC2          
pip34        
pand        
kazvan      
emmyloupink  
jakesmum      
lainey lou        
kitty                
jo                    
sazz              
drownedgirl      
mrs chaos        
missyb                
Debbie1810          
bel                      
cinders                
clairead                
hollie22  
clairead          
bek
ba
dizzyloo
nanook 
whippet
moominemma
Lainey2
faithfullyhoping
tuck
bubblicious
Wendeth
lawsy
jobo5572


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## missyb

yay im first!!!!!!!!!!


can i have some bubbles!!!


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## cinders35

Ooohhh, I WANTED TO BE FIRST!!!!!
  
Love Cindersxxx


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## bubblicous

morning ladies

im just back for getting my bloods done to phone on thursday for the results
im still feeling crap youngest dd has flu now too not good im off work today cause of the pair of us 

eldest had a fab birthday no party she had a sleepover on sunday night as it was still the school hoildays here she loved it they watched dvds ate popcorn etc etc i did there hair and make up they all had a ball

shes back at school today    bad i know but dh back to work too today so i would never have manged keeping up with her shes so active and i just feel terrible

ffh - they are the same age is your dd high school musical mad mines is great fun though shes such a girlie girl and shes halirous informed me this morning she doesnt have time to drink a juice at playtime as shes to busy chasing boys      for ur basting    

emma - did u get my pm how r uchick hows the tooth

missy - longtime no speak hunni  hows u apart from the tonsilitis i hate that its the worst thing ever

ok now i have totaly forgotten everything from the last thread so im very sorry                   

to everyone


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## missyb

hi ladies!

cinders... how are you doing hun? i have been thinking baout you alot xx sorry i beat you to it! ive been on here for over a year now and ive never been first!!! i need to get out more me thinks !! x

hi bubs.. good luck for thur with your results.. i have dildocam on thur before work! didnt get any real se from the clomid this cycle apart from some spotting yesterday which i found odd so early in my cycle. dd's bday sounded fab and im glad they had such a good time!


hi to everyone else!


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## wouldbegreat

Hi everyone 

Missyb not the dreaded tonsillitis   hope it goes soon honey  

Bubbs sorry you are not well it seems to be the time for illness (change in the weather) summer is on its way  

Cinders how are you honey ? I'm still so gutted for you  

Emma hope your tooth gets better real soon  

As for me i ok did some painting now have a bit of a cold and a little sore throat i was worried about getting tonsillitis too  
so i will be leaving the painting for a while i have so much to do   I won't let dh do it as i am real fussy   I'm on my 2ww and have 8 days till testing so fingers crossed we defiantly had enough   this month  .

What a beautiful day it is here i should get out in it really  

Wouldbegreat


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## cinders35

Hey Missyb,
Stay away, don't want your lurgy!  
Am fairly pants. Still sitting here with an empty sac growing inside me!   . My hcg levels are stil on the up, not enough to mean a bubba, but enough for them to want to scan me again tommorrow. Am hoping for a decision tommorrow. I am unlikely to m/c naturally with my levels still creeping up. Looks like I could have been one of those poor women who get to 12 week scan to be told there is no baby,  . Thank god I know already.
Feel in limbo land, don't feel that I can move on until my sac is gone  . One minute I am fine, the next I am in a sobbing heap on the floor! Was feeling quite   yesterday. All part of the process. Think it is better to let it out and not hold on to it, just glad I am in detatched house  . 

I have done a lot of spotting mid cycle Missyb. Bl00dy annoying, and never really got a proper explanation. Y'know I am coming to the conclusion that  gyeanacology, and IF treatment is so hit and miss, and half the time they really are taking a shot in the dark!  

Am still walking dd to school every day, carrying on as normal. The mums there chatting away, unaware of my inner turmoil. I have a grin painted on my face, don't know if anyone can seee through it  .
Thank God dd knows nothing of what is going on. Actually she is very huggy, and keeps telling me she loves me a bit more than usual, so she may will be aware this something up. But I'm glad she doesn't know the truth. 
I am putting together a box to remember. In it I will have my scan pictures, a letter to my baby (already written    ) a copy of my 2ww diary, ( 2 teddies from san francisco. I bought them when I found out I ws pg, and wasn't sure how many bubs were in there), a photo of us as a family,when I was pg, and my positive pee sticks. I know they might get orrible and mouldy. If they do, I will put a picture of them in there instead. I will treasure my box, and I will be able to show dd when she is old enough, so that she knows how hard we tried, and how close we got.

I know it's too soon to decide, but I'm not sure I can do this anymore. If we try treatment again, I have to know that I will be able to cope with another bfn, or another m/c. I am not as strong as a lot of you ladies, and I'm not sure that I can. 
I am faced with a dilema. I am to scared to try again, and I am too scared to NOT try again.
I need to give it more time I know.
Sorry this is so me.
Wasn't planning on this, it all just came out.

Hoping that Lyndalou & Faithful can put us back on track with some bfp's! As well as you clomid chicks, and au naturel girls  

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


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## missyb

oh cinders... im glad that you did get it out.. you must feel so in limbo.. i know if i were waiting for the scan tomorrow there would still be part of me that would hope that my baby was still there. i cant imagine how you must be feeling. do you have the same thing as lainey-lou?

im sure dd knows that something isnt right she just isnt sure what. she must know that her lovely mummy is sad and thats why she is quite huggy xx it must be hard to know where to go from here. i know i'd not want to carry on but i wouldnt want to stop either... the classic immovable force and unstoppable object!! i remember what pands husband said to her about being stronger than you think and i know that that applies to you too hun. you may not feel it but you are strong.. we all arexx

i love the idea about the baby box..especially as it seems at times that we have to carry on with life with a fake smile plastered on our faces no matter how painful the event(s) we've been thru.

im always here hun and i hope that tomorrow isnt too traumatic.


a xx


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## wouldbegreat

Cinders don't be humble about letting it out thats what we are here for and it will help you through this i am so sorry this it not over yet for you life is a bit** sometimes .I love the idea of the box it will help you to have this as a perminant part in your life and also help people to understand how much it all means to you   Are bless dd i bet the cuddles have been great but you must also want to cry too   I think you will be all over with emotions and will find it hard to make any perminant decisions at this time just go with it you need time honey  

                                                    Love wbg


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## Mrs Chaos

Hi ladies
sorry am pants at the moment for posting 
Cinders my lovely, I think you're doing great hun  I am so sorry this had to happen life is so cruel sometimes 
I think it's a lovely idea doing the memory box, it will help you to cope.
The hpt's won't go mouldy btw, I still have mine from when I had my ds and he's 16 yrs old now. Mine is with his memory box, with his scan pics, and stuff from the hospital...I still look at them now and again when I'm having a particularly crappy day and somehow it cheers me up  
Just wanted to pop in anyway and say hello to everyone.
I'm going to be posting (mainly) on the new Moving on Thread for those of us who have a child/children already, as my tx days and ttc are now over...and I feel a bit in limob 
I will pop in and check on you all, and keep in touch 
MissyB I will no doubt have a  sometime when the men are playing at silly buggers on XBox 
Suszy, I will see you at Stratford, but wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for us 2ndry girls. You have made my grey days seem not so grey on many an occasion, and without your shoulder, I know a lot of us girls would have found this IF even harder. I wish you all the best my lovely. 
I don't know many of you too well, but wanted to wish all of you all the luck in the world to get your dream.
Nanook, Gab thanks for being there my lovelies, I'll be keeping an eye on you from a distance 

Lotsa love to all, you're all very special to me 
Gayn
XX


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## cinders35

Thankyou everyone for your lovely support.
I am glad to know that the moving on board is there. I feel a bit like I have a foot in each camp at the moment. Big decisions coming up about whether to continue with treatment, and knowing I wil have somewhere to post if I decide enough is enough is a comfort.
Gayn, we will miss you. Some of your posts have affected me profoundly, and I deeply admire the relationship you have with ds. I only hope I am half the mum you are  . I hope you are happy over there, I may well see you over there  .
Got out of the house and found myself sitting at one of those makeup counters, being made up!
Spent a fortune on makeup, think dp better lock up the credit card!  
The cat brought in a present to dd's bedroom last night   a rat!!!! It was ALIVE! OMG! Life not dull here  .
Love to all,
Cindersxxx

p.s what I did buy, was a lovely laura Ashley box for my bubba memory box. Have already put most things in it, and have it tucked in my wardrobe. It helps me, and I know when dd old enough I will be able to share it with her. Cx


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## missyb

hi gayn 

i know we talked about it the other day, but reading your post still made me want to cry   i dont know... i guess things are a bit sucky at the moment on here. we just seem to have been struggling for so long. i honestly dont know how you have kept your sanity and kept going. everytime one of us gets a glimmer of hope it just seems to get snatched away from us... (sorry to those that are having treatment etc,that im being so negative.)  and come to think of it i havent had a glimmer of hope. the silver lining is that we have each other and i know without the girls on here i'd have gone loco ages ago!

i have no doubt that we will chat again when the guys are playing murder death kill on the xbox!! hey how did sams b'day party go??  hope you have a wicked time in stratford.


amanda xx


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## missyb

sorry cinders our posts crossed!

a rat!!! omg i wouldve freaked out big time... i so dont do rodents or creepy crawlies!!


a xx


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## cinders35

I did freak

           

Gonna threaten cats with RSPCA if they don't behave!

You must be off work today, been on here loads!

Love Cindersxxx


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## nanook

Hi Everyone

Emma hows your tooth??  I had a couple of wisdoms out a couple of years ago it was awful - he tried ripping his hands away from my mouth and everything - yuk - I swore Id bear the pain if the other two misbehaved themselves but tbh its best to get em sorted - good luck with that one hun Im the worst dental patient ever (lord only knows why - Ive never even had a filling!! lol).

Cinders -     why does life have to be so f**king sh*t sometimes?? 

Suzy - How are you hunni feeling ne better of late??

Pand - Hello you, hows things with you these days?

Missy - Hellllllloooooooo my lovely

Bubbs - Hi to you hows it goin??

Faithfull & dusty rose - hi girlies

Hi to everone else Ive missed hope everybody is ok.

As for me, things are fine - although the   arrived yesterday so another wasted month! To be honest we've only managed bms about 3 times in the last 2 months! not ood at all when you think we used to be  up to it 3 times a flippin day!  oh well !!  Had a spot of retail therapy today and bought 3(!!) pairs of shoes! haha needless to say Ive peeled the labels off and placed them in the wardrobe where they wont be noticed, lmao!

Gettin slightly miffed on the job front - had to chase up hr at the NSPCC - the organisation is the worst Ive seen and I was expecting a call from my would be manager and havent - so getting a bit worried about what the hell is going on !?! Ive sent emails and called, but nothing back.  Ill give them until the end of the week and if Ive heard nothing by Friday pm Im going to have to call them and get a bit shi*ty, which I really dont want to do!

Anyway love and kisses to all, and lots of this:     

xxxxxx


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## nanook

Sorry - I meant I tried ripping His hands away - lol and I havent even had a drink .. x


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Nanook – Sorry AF Arrived, but retail therapy is always good.  Sounds like you’re having a mare with your job, they’re probably just overworked and haven’t got around to answering your calls.  Hope you get through to them soon.

Cinders – I hate that this is happening to you, I hope they get you sorted this week it must be awful carrying around an empty sac. I think the box is a fab idea, and will represent not only the baby you have just lost but also the grief you’ve experienced all the way through this awful journey.  I thought having a dog was bad but cats bringing in live rats……

Gayn – Hope you’re happy in your new chatting home.  Moving on is a hard thing to do but we all have to do it one way or another.  Thanks for all of your words of encouragement.

Missyb – I know what you mean, we don’t seem to be getting much joy on this thread do we?  In fact I might stop chatting on it and see if that helps me get a bfp!! (only joking).

Anyway, Hi to everyone else

Me – Had another scan today, have got 3 follies, I still haven’t surged but nurse was ‘getting nervous’ about leaving me any longer so I did trigger shot today, basting tomorrow.  Not feeling very positive about things, but it’s better than doing nothing I guess!!!

Faithful x


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## Pand

Cinders - Just wanted to say sorry I haven't been online the last couple of days it has been absolutely manic here!  I have been thinking of you loads and will be thinking of you tomorrow.  Hope you get a decision and that at least you can start grieving properly.  (There's still a little tiny part of me that is hoping it's all been a big mistake).  Let me know how you get on.

Missyb - sorry you've been poorly flower.  I used to get tonsillitus all the time and its pants.

Suzy - will message you properly tomorrow hun.  Would still like to try and meet up in Stratford in May if poss.  love and hugs to you.

Everyone... hi!!  Just a flyer tonight.  Really need to get to bed!

Love and hugs to everyone.

Pand


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## cinders35

Thank's Pand,
Don't apologyse for having a life hun!! I know you are busy  .
Think is too late to be official guest at ff meet in stratford, but am a little bit tempted to come and say hi!
What date is it?
Scan at 11.30am, then see consultant. This is dragging on so very long  .

Come on Faithful,I know it's hard but this COULD be the one!  

Nanook, hope you sort the job out soon  .

Love to all,
Cindersxxx


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## wouldbegreat

Cinders thinking of you for your scan  

Pand at least you are trying to keep busy   to you 

Nanook sorry af arrived honey  

missyb hope you are ok  

Bubbs hope you are ok too  

I was happy this morning when i went to my post op appointment the con didn't turn up he was busy doing an op at another hospital i had a lovely letter of apology and well wishes for the future and a cheque of £80 for my travel expenses so i now feel i have closure on the whole thing   Glad i didn't complain now  

Hello to anyone else i forgot wbg


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## dustyrose

Hello ladies,

I just wanted to say hello. I feel a bit guilty because I am not on here so much at the moment. We are in the middle of moving into our first home and with DD home on hols and Dh working 14 hours a day--its been crazy trying to get everything sorted myself. Can I just share with you all that I might just scream if I hear the phrase 'new house new baby'.....Bless my family and friends as they mean well but with all this stress I doubt we will even be able to try this month! 

I've been thinking about you all and hopefully will get caught up with the posts tonight or tomorrow. For everyone that is feeling down right now, a big hug from me...keep your chin up and your hopes high. I believe that its our turn soon. 
You all seem like you've grown to be an extended family support for each other and that is go great. I have to admit, being a newbie I feel I've gatecrashed a bit but hopefully I will be able to spend more time getting to know you once we are settled. Im sorry that I have not done personals this time.

Lots of Love, DustyRose aka Shell


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## nanook

Hi Dustyrose aka Shell - 

No you havent gategrashed everyone is welcome here so no worries on that score... Good luck with the move hun. xx


Wouldbegreat - that was a bit of a result with the hospital wasnt it!?! haha xx

Love to all - gonna go have a bath and get dressed properly cos even though its nearly 1 in the afternoon Ive been mooching about with a splitting headache all day.. hardly slept last night, just get so hot at noght times when af is here its horrible! So! Bath, hairwash and make up and Im sure Ill feel much better!  

Laters xx


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## SUSZY

My goodness girls what a load of chatter boxes you are!
Well I am back and have realised just written the longest post out!!!
first of all                 to you all.

It takes for ever to catch up and the hours creep by.
found myself with a few extra hours this pm so have put them to good use by catching up with you all.

As ever so much has happened and so many people need help and support I will start bashing away and update you with my news at the bottom!

Cinders - so good luck for tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and as ever my heart and thoughts are with you and will be sending you healing tomorrow.  i think the box is a wonderful idea and helps you to focus and when you feel sad you can look at that.  i still wish we had got the beanie back and had it in the garden but nevermind.  Your posts are so heartfelt and make me want to cry all over again but you know we all feel the same and we all feel we cannot take much more but we do have each other and we will find the strength deep down.   so many people have asked me re adoption and I wish I had not put it out of my mind so easily but I still dont think its for me, the adoption meeting I went to so many of the kids have siblings and they want to be kept together understandable and some have been through so much and  i worry so much about how we would all cope so dont think its for me in this life time anyway.      
I think we all feel the same about how much more of this we can take but we are here for each other.  I so  know how you feel about wanting that baby but it feels so elusive to me now. 

Lainey - lou - so much of what you and the others say I feel like I could have written myself and so understand and I think that is why we all get on so well and that we have all bonded so well and that we all know we have each other to rely on and  support each other.  I know you have been holding out for May and now you are there you are getting nervous and a little cold feet and its so understandable esp when we all know that the fear and dread of something going wrong even after a bfp is so real and such a worry.  Give yourself a little time honey and you may change your mind but i do so understand.  We have decided to wait til day 21 of my cycle in May rather than starting Monday, the closer it gets the scarier it can be as I also know its the end of the road for us as in no more tx and then we have to face up to the realities of our marriage/life. dh ok as he always have a job or too to do its me i worry about at times.  Scary times.

Pand - I am so sorry  you have been so low sweetheart but glad the counselling has helped and that you are getting a bit more on track, a bit like lainey and cinders I so know where you are coming from with not being able to face up to any more tx.  i do feel its the end of the road for us, we will try with these frosties and get a dog and move on and like the rest of you I feel more able to do this than I have ever done, its not what i want but its what I have come to expect and just accept.  I am here for you and would like a good old chat sometime and it would be lovely to meet up in stratford, we go friday night and leave on sunday so perhaps then.
When is your bday it has to be soon as mine is on monday - cannot believe I am going to be 44 - I might be growing up at last despite my life being a bit like a soap opera there have been some developments and am in control and ok!  Really focusing on meditation and reiki and have more guidance on this than before and really think its the path for me.

wendeth - not sure if you are reading this still but just wanted to say hi and hope that you are ok, thinking of you and hope to see you again one day.

emily caitlin - hope you are ok sweetheart - thinking of you

Gayn - look forward to meeting you at the big meet up and will give you a big hug and probably start crying!  Thanks for your lovely words they mean a lot but you have also been there for us and have all the other girls on here, we have built up quite a family as dustry says but its only through experience and not necessairly nice ones at that!  I think there will be a few of us joining you on the moving on thread and it does not mean we cannot keep in touch or perhaps we could start our own one.  anyway sweetheart like the girls have said you are a wonderful mum and have been an inspiration to us and I feel honoured to have known you and to be meeting you in the flesh!

missy - my lovely friend you have really started something with the old 70s party havn't you - we are all jealous although I prefer 80s myself, hope you had fun would have loved to see you.  sorry you finding the spotting and clommid hard, have suffered from both and it frustrating I know.  keep on in there or can you not go to IUI?? thinking of you and keeping everything crossed as ever - we must chat soon - just want to meet and talk to you all about everything!

Lyndlou- hello pupo lady and the best of luck,                           

Whippet - hello pupo lady and the best of luck to you too                            

dustyrose - sounds like you have a lot on your plate and good luck with the move etc and dont worry you will soon get to know us and we are like one bit happy family but we have room for plenty more and we are all here for each other and it does not matter how often you post and we all know it takes a while to get to know everyone and everything and we dont always all have the time so dont worry just pitch in when you can.

nanook - thanks for asking after me and sorry they are mucking you about re the job, I am not sure why unless they are very busy helping the children, you really need to get in there girl and kick some ****!!!  Good luck with it and think you were right to be honest about doing tx etc better to be up front about it.  I have been doing Meditation, and reiki etc on and off for 8 to 10 years now but something clicked when I was away that weekend and I am starting to see that this might be the best place for me to focus some of my energies and that I might actually get someone and feel there is a reason for the way my life has been and to be honest its been a bit complicated of late but as quick as something comes it goes and I seem to be on the next thing but there is a path and a reason.  I am still worried about my marriage and to be honest not sure whats going to happen there as it needs a lot of work and not sure we have the strenght but just want to get on with the next tx and then be able to move onwards and upwards or wherever its to be.  hope things are ok with you, still wish we could all meet and have a big old chat although not sure we would get a word in edgeways!

jobo sorry about af its always hard when she arrives.  Hope you had/have a good week up north and then at centreparcs a break always does one good and feel better for having all my time away although its nice to be in the house as well.  Unfortuntely there are always going to be insensitive people and there is no getting away from it unless one avoids then which I have started to do or have a break from them or tell them they are being insensitive.  anyway hope you come back feeling refreshed.

ffh - so good luck with this tx it seems to be dragging but you will get there and this could be the one try and keep calm and focused and positive and we are here routing for you all the way.  Isnt it funny how we are never happy with what we have got I am size 14 and used to be 8 then 10 then 12 and would love to be back thin again and here you and jo are still not happy with your body, suppose it goes back to what I am trying to sort in my life now that we need to be happy inside and not always be wanting or waiting for something or someone else to make us happy although do know all we want is a baby each!

bubb - sorry to hear that there has been so much illness in your house and hope you are on the mend now, also hope you enjoyed the birthday seems all our kids are 6 around the same time.

would be great - glad you booked your hol, coombe martin near my folks in Devon its lovely and you will have a great time.  
loob hope that you are ok

moom - how are you sweetheart

honeyprincess and Gab you have been quiet hope that you are ok.

angel83 - hope you are ok sweetheart

lollipop hope you are doing ok

Emma - you made me laugh so much about saying to yourself you are not wrong there mate re the sperm, it had me in stiches and to think men are the ones that are supposed to be after sex all the time!  I am so sorry about your tooth, I remember a year last feb having it and like missby says there is nothing worse than toothache you just cannot think about anything else literally.  hope you get it sorted soon.

tuck lovely to hear from you and hope your weekend with the inlaws went well and the night out.

jo83 missy really has started something with her 70s night hasnt she - i prefer 80s though! love a bit of simple minds, duran duran on our last night at the reiki residential we played power ballads from the 70s and 80s and it was great.

reet - how are you sweetheart not heard from you in a while

kateag - how are you 

fabrizzy how are you
dizzy how are you doing sweetheart - keep telling everyone about you and your amazing twins, you could write a book perhaps you can have a chapter to yourself too!

I really hope that I have not missed anyone out.
Just a quick update.
Despite feeling like at breaking point sometimes am actually fairly in control!
dh and I had a lovely weekend and actually had some bms! and he said he loved me the only trouble being as soon as we get back to near here we start being horrible to each other again!  There seems to be so many stresses and strains and so many jobs for him to do and his car broke down on monday night so I have had to walk every where and its been really weird not having a car but also good for me and gives me time to clear my head and have sorted some stuff out.  as I have gone on about in the above messages am spending more time on my spiritual path and met some nice people to help me with that over the reiki residential weekend and I want to start giving that my attention as i really think I will get stuf out of it and make sense of whats happened to me and you lot.  I have even asked someone to write some comforting  inspiring words to put on here to try and brighten our thread so hopefully will be able to post them.  So much is said about how powerful our thoughts are and how much they affect (effect) how we are and how our world is and happens around us there must be some truth in it.  I have been listening to The Secret again which has helped.
Anyway I had a smear yesterday so routine having things shoved up there its quite comical really! Anyway I also asked to have my fsh levels checked again as want to know out of interest what they are and whether it really is my eggs not that it will make much difference as we are going to be using the frosties but everyone has thought including myself that it was me and my eggs and age and perhaps it isnt and I am also interested.
we also go on Friday to sign the consent forms in Bham and hope to see Angela and her beauty room and instead of rushing and starting on my bday on Monday (hint hint!) we are going to start on day 21 of may cycle, dh wants me to stop drinking so this should give me a month more or less clear of the white stuff (except for the ff meet up and step fathers bday! .
am actually feeling pretty cool calm and collected and in control for a change
my moods have seemed to veer out of control at times and I become dependent on stuff I dont want to and then suddenly something else happens and i am ok again so think I am going to trust God, the Angels, guides or who ever else up there to steer and guide me on the right path and thank the people both in spirit and on the ground who are helping me in that path and you know what girls you lot are my earth angels and I could not have got through this without you.  Not sure what ahead for all of us as do feel a few of us are on the way towards another thread perhaps just to dip our toes in but we will always be here for each other and I will never leave you.
Good luck for the ones still coping with m/c and sorry Emily for not mentioning you and good luck esp for the pupo ladies   and the ones in the middle of tx   we are behind you all the way
Before I go and leave perhaps my longest every post
                          
Love and light and healing to you all.
Love 
susie
ps dont worry I have not gone completely bonkers!


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## faithfullyhoping

Susie - you and your long posts    You really are a star.  It's lovely to see you back on here.  Thanks for your words about being calm and positive.  It's so hard to stay positive when you keep having knock backs but I think you're probably right about overall state of mind being important in all of this. Good idea to try to cut down on the drink before treatment, it might just make a difference.  I know what you mean about it being the last tx, I don't think we're going to have any more now after this last iui, DH is very uncomfortable with it and I'm not sure I want to cope with more disappointment.  It's hard thinking that you're coming to the end of the road but we have so much in our lives to be thankful for we must remember to focus on that.


Dustyrose - good luck with the house move, you're not gatecrashing at all.  It can take a bit to remember everyone's situation though!!

wouldbegreat - glad you had a good result at the clinic. Did you actually see anyone whilst you were there for your postop?

Cinders - Thinking of you today hun  


Lyndalou and whippet - Hope you're keeping those embies nice and snug.

Hi to everyone else

I went for basting today, so am PUPO too! Had 3 follies, and nurse said that sample was good so it went as well as it could do.


Faithful x


----------



## cinders35

Hey guys,
Just a quicky from me.
Have had a missed miscarriage confirmed. As although we didn't get to see our bubba on the screen, we did get to see a yolk sac, which we wouldn't have with blighted ovum, apparently. So a very early missed m/c, ERPC booked for tommorrow 2pm.
Have written in my diary at length.

But wishing some     vibes back on this board with all these PUPO ladies!
Come on girls, you can do it  !

Lot's of love and thanks to you all for your support.  

Cindersxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Cinders -   I'm so sorry sweetie, I hope it goes ok tomorrow.


----------



## SUSZY

FFH hello PUPO lady                           you can do it - you will do it.  it took me about 2 hours of my free four hours but its worth it and probably wont post like that again for a few days - i just love you all!

lyndlou and whippet spot^      

cinders - sorry for posting re tmorrow before you did - thinking of you and we are all here for you


love to the rest of you 

susie


----------



## dustyrose

On my second box to pack but wanted to quickly spread the PUPO vibes.....            


Prayers, love and positive energy!!!!
....xxxooooxxxooo


----------



## Pand

Just wanted to say....



GO, GO, GO PUPO ladies!!  Come on you can do it. It must work, it has to work, it must work, it has to work!  Have everything crossed for you.

Susie - Fab post.  Back to your very finest.  We need you on here.  You are a very special lady.

Cinders - have pmd you.

Everyone else.

Love ya!"

Pand


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

Wow Susie    What a post!  I am quite in awe of you.  Glad you are feeling ok.  I think you are wise to take a break and have the tx in May.  We may be tx together  

Cinders - good luck tomorrow.  I hope it goes ok, you are being very brave  

FFH     PUPO lady.  Susie is right, you should try to stay positive.  I know it is difficult with all the disappointment we have all experienced, but there must be a little tiny part of you believes it could happen or you wouldn't go through the tx.  Fingers crossed for you.

Whippet/Lyndalou - our other PUPO ladies.  Hope you are enjoying your 2ww and not going too  .  Fingers crossed for you two too.  

Pand - I would like to go to Stratford too but don't know any of the arrangements.  Are we too late?  Would love to meet you and Susie (and anyone else who goes).  Let me know if you decide to go.

Missy - sorry you have been poorly, sending you loads of   

WBG - glad you got your money back.  I am really surprised, Doctors aren't usually so generous.  All that ever seems to happen to me is that I give loads of money to them    I bet it has made you feel really good.

Nanook - sorry it is taking ages to sort the job.  I'm with Susie, I think you should kick some butt!  Hope it gets sorted soon.

Dustyrose - just wanted to echo what everyone else has said, everyone is welcome here.  Good luck with the move.

MrsChaos - so understand where you are and how you feel.  This is a tough journey and I sometimes think that letting the dream go will be the hardest part.  I do think that as you get further along the road it becomes a little easier to imagine life without another child.  It sort of becomes the norm if you know what I mean.  I do think making that final call is a tough one though.  Don't think I am quite there yet but getting there.  Good luck and take care.  

Bubbs - how are you?  Still feeling rubbish?  I hope you are feeling better soon.  There is nothing worse than being ill at the same time as your child.  It is really hard work trying to look after someone else when you feel cr*p yourself.  

Emma - how are you lovie?  You've gone all quiet, are you ok?

Hi to EC, Jo, Chimer, Reet, Kateag, Tuck, Sam, Gab, Honeyprincess and anyone else I've missed.

Well, I spoke to dh about where we go from here and he said to ask dd how she might feel about not having a little brother/sister.  She told me she wouldn't like it because she would have noone to play with and that would make her sad  

I told her that we might still be able to manage it but that we might have to adopt, like our friends have.  She said she wouldn't like that and when I asked her why she cuddled me really tight and said "Because I love you".  I then realised that she thought I meant that we would have her adopted.  Bless her little heart.  I gave her the biggest hug and told her that we would NEVER have her adopted but that what I meant was we could adopt a little boy or girl to live with us.  She said that would be a good idea.

So, we are having two more rounds of IVF and then going on to adoption if we are not successful.  Sounds like a plan doesn't it    Dh really wants us to have the IVF so we will have no regrets when we are old and grey (although I already am old and grey) and know that we tried as hard as we could.

Also found out today that the pg woman at school who is 42 and is done with girls only has one ovary      Talk about sticking the knife in and giving it a little twist.  I was not happy.

Got to go and have a lovely bath to try and calm down!

Lainey x


----------



## lainey-lou

Forgot to say, booked appointment at IVF clinic next Tuesday 29th.  It is also our anniversary so dh can take me out for dinner afterwards


----------



## emsylou

Hello girlies, just wanted to let you all know that i am still here and thinking about you all, but have been realy buisy, will post to you all tomoz.
Love to you all
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Dee

*Cash prizes on offer .... http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=135195.0*


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lainey - just wanted to say thans for your words of encouragement, and also bless your little girls heart, thinking that you might send her off for adoption!!! I think you're really brave talking to her about things, I've never talked to my dd about it and this past week or two I've wondered how she would feel about adoption. The thing is I wouldn't want to get her hopes up and then be turned down by the panel for some reason - it's so hard isn't it? 
It sounds like you've got a good plan in your heads though.  I'm glad you've finally got your ivf appointment, it's taken a long time to come I know, you've got a focus now which is great.

Emma - Hi, you carry on being busy girl!!! It stops you brooding!

Faithful x


----------



## bubblicous

hey ladies

got my results today for my day 20 bloods my level was 27 so not good looks like no ov for me this month       

so apparently my notes are sitting on the consultants desk waiting for her to decied if my clomid had to be upped or not

hugs to all sorry for no personlas still feeling crapy


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - Sorry your not ovulating hun, I'm sure they'll be able to sort it out with more clomid - perhaps your body got used to it because it worked the first month didn't it? Have you thought about acupuncture, that's supposed to be good for helping you ovulate?

  

Faithful x


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Hope everyone is ok 

Af pains started this morning. Feel I should just test and get it over with! Going out to dinner with girl friends tonight and oh what I wouldnt do for a glass of vino


----------



## cinders35

Lyndalou,
Step away from the pee sticks     
I got af pains & thought sure it was all over, I know it's over now  , but I did get a bfp!
This was supposed to be a message of encouragement, not entirely sure it is that comforting   ?!
Testing early is just unecessary heartache, you won't know whether to believe the result, and it is SIMPLY TOO early!!!!
Consider yourself told!?!  
Clearly I am in my anger phase of grief!!

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## lyndalou

Thanks Cinders  I will try to be strong  Have a test upstairs from last time and it keeps calling me! How are you doing
                      hon?


----------



## cinders35

Fair to middlin' thank's!
Never mind me, focus and get your dh to hide the pee stick!
Then get on with PMA!!!
Cx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou -I'm with Cinders, it's too early to test, you'd get a bfn testing this early anyway so no point really!!!  Try and be strong!!!

Cinders - you're back, angers good sometimes!!!


----------



## SUSZY

Hi Girls

Hope the pupo ladies are doing well - Lyndlou - keep up that PMA and you Whippet ffh keep postive   

bubbs - sorry to hear about your level this month.

cinders      hope you feel a bit brighter soon but it takes time so much time. hope you can come on Sat and anyone else who wants to.

lainey - sounds like you have an excellent plan - I just cannot believe your poor dd thought you would have her adopted! anyway a plan sounds real good.- please try and come to the lunch next week that Pand arranging near the big meet up it will be fun. good luck for the appt next Tuesday think I might be starting d/ring on that day! sorry might not be cycling with you if do but wont be far ahead

pand thanks for your kind words and look forward to meeting you again a week today

missy hope you ok you have gone a bit quiet

dustyrose good luck with the packing.

emma - hi hope it calms down for you soon.

gayn thanks so much for your help over the rooms you are a real star! are you coming to meet us for lunch, feel a bit guilty as should be with main party but will see everyone on Fri and Sat night and sunday lunch! thanks again

love and light to everyone else not going to list you all again but you know I am thinking of you - that post took me about 2 hours but  am glad I did it.  We signed the forms yesterday and the drugs are arriving on tuesday and we now think we might start then and have a scan booked for 15th May and ET could be 29th May!! cannot belive it really but we have a week booked in June in Devon and dont want to spoil it by having to travel up to bham like we did last year so we are going for it.  I am still going to have a few drinks tonight, on monday at the meetup, my step fathers bday and the races but am not going to go too mad.  probably not a good idea but I do like to have a couple and will remain alchol free once the embies are inside this time.
Still feeling fairly positive, dh and I are up and down like yoyos one minute he is so horrible the next I feel for him for the pressure he is under but still think we have a few problems.  I am still determined to follow my reiki and meditation and have people to help me with that which is good.
Anyway girls have a good weekend, lots of love as ever
susie


----------



## Rachel2

Hi - I posted a separate thread but will copy my 'moan' below! I hope you ladies don't mind me joining you.

Hi - I have a lovely dd (3 in June) who we conceived thru iui on 2004 (1st try!) - and now we are having problems trying to make her a brother or sister. So not sure if it is secondary infertility as we has problems ttc dd too iykwim. Anyway - it would be nice to be able to moan about ttc no 2 without feeling guilty that many ladies on FF haven't even got one child. af has started after 3rd try at iui - on paper everything was perfect - even better than when we conceived dd - and I have taken it really badly. The last 2 failed cycles I coped much better - but today I am being a really rubbish mummy - watching tv and trying to hold back tears and poor dd getting on with playing on her own. I'm sure she is wndering what the matter is - I have told her I have a poorly tummy and I don't think she's picked up on me crying as she would definitely mention it! I fell so guilty for not giving her a sibling and worry about her in the future being alone. I love her so much it hurts - and I'm also feeling guilty that txt is giving me days like today when I'm not being fun and playing with her. Everyone in my antenatal group is either pg or has already had no 2 and people keep asking if we are going to have more - implying dd should not be made to be an only child. To top it off, yesterday dd asked for the first time if she could be a big sister. I feel so useless - and I've put on weight and feel like a beached whale. We are going to Center Parcs in a couple of weeks - and I imagined going pg. Now I've got to put my swimming costume on and feel huge without the secret knowledge of being pg. I know this is shallow but it is just ANOTHER thing making me down. Going on a strict diet anyway - if I can't be a mum again at least I can be slim! Anyway - sorry for going on- and hope I am OK to joiin this board. I'm not always this negative - honest   xxx


That was my long moan - sorry! I'll look forward to getting to know you all better x


----------



## missyb

hi ladies!! just a quickie from me as i really must do some housework! i have been for a full body massage today (which was a present) and i feel sooo relaxed that all i want to do is sleep!!

i wont do personals today other than to say to cinders.. love ya loads hun and have been thinking about you & dp alot. really hope that you are ok. and to the rest of the golden girls.. that i love you loads and would be lost without you all.xx

as for me, i had my tracking scan on thursday am before work (ewww) and have gone from the clomid possibly not working.. to working too well and i now have 3 very good sized follies!! my womb lining is 11.1 mm which i think is good. the cons has said that officially he would advise me against ttc as there is a risk of triplets.. but unofficially he said that's unlikely and to go for it!! im so happy that at least all is working.. if it doesnt work this mth i have to reduce my dose to half a tablet..


     i will be a pg i can be a pg!!!

i will catch up later and i promise to do some personals xx


amanda xx


----------



## Pand

Hi Girlies,

Just a quickie today...

Golden girls - will book a table for next Sat today and will text to let you know!

Rachel  - Welcome to the thread hun!  You are very much in the right place and I think I can speak for everyone on this thread when I say we could all have written your post at some point!!!!  Secondary IF (or IF trying for a second/third) comes with all its very own complications and guilts which are so different to those suffered by people trying for their first, so it really helps to speak to people who understand.  None of us are ungrateful for what we have (in fact we probably appreciat what we have already more than those nasty fertile people!) but the pain of not being able to give your little one a sibling is indescribeable unless you have been there. We all understand and are very supportive so keep chatting!

Missyb - Good news mate!!!!  Get jiggy as much as poss!  Really glad its working for you.

No other personals today I'm afraid so love and hugs to EVERYONE else!!  This thread is growing so quickly!

As for me had a wonderful day at Legoland with dh and ds yesterday.  Life's not so bad after all!  Still am VERY worried at the mo.  I ovulated on Monday (used OPKs) and guess what... AF turned up yesterday (5 days later!).  We couldn't even be bothered to try this month so I'm not upset but I am REALLY worried that the luteal phase was only five days.  I'm normally regular as clockwork with a luteal phase of 13 days.  I'm petrified this is the beginning of the end.  I know I've come to terms with the fact that we are probably never going to have any more children but it's too soon after everything else to have to come to terms with going through the menopause.  I'm only flipping 37!  Anyone with any advice (other than going to GP which I'm going to do) please help!

Speak soon

Lots of love

Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies  Af cramps really bad today. Feel exactly the same as I did when got my other bfn. relly think that if I stoped using
              pesseries that af would arrive with a vengence. Not sure what to do  Does anyone know how long its takes to get 
              trigger shot out of your system? Had mine 2 weeks ago today so do you think test today would be accurate?


----------



## whippet

LYndalou they say it takes 14 days however other threads on here quote 1000 per day so if you got the 5000 trigger allow 7 days and if the 10000 trigger allow 12 days hang in there honey I cant recommend whats best cause I know how much I want to test early.

Whippet x


----------



## lyndalou

Thanks Whippet il have a look at box and see what dosage I had. Its just so hard to stay positive at moment. Really think its all going
to end in tears again x


----------



## bubblicous

evening ladies

my flu has started to lift yay went back to work on thursday though got sent home as i looked like crap but stayed all day yesterday so i must look better  

anyway just waiting o af here i absolutley shattered at the mo lay down at 3pm to read some of my book next thing i knew dh was waking me and it was the back of 6  

anyway yet again sorry for the lack of personals i will catch up with everything and everyone tomorrow


----------



## emsylou

hi lovelies, sorry i am too tired to do any personals tonight but promis i will do them tomorrow, but i thought id give you a bit of an update.
Well i am sure that i am going completley bonkers now, i have been drinking loads of pineapple juice and eating lots of brazil nuts, and i think i might have ovulated and had bms at the right time, so i am deffo thinking that we are in with a good chance this month but the only signs i have are feeling very bloated and needing to wee more, havnt got sore (.)(.)ies though, but in my head i keep convincing my self that there is still a chance, to be totaly honest with you i feel like my head is all over the place at the moment. I also had a realy wierd dream last night, please dont laugh cuz im not a complete wierdo but i had a dream last night that i was pg and it felt so real i didnt want to wake up, because i have never had a dream like that before so i am hoping that, it could be a good sign, any ways id better go before you all think im a complete nutter.
Love to you all 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Just a quickie as i must get on

Emma- I've had a dream before that I was prg and then i woke up and wished that I hadn't, it was horrible.  Let's hope it comes true for you.

Rachel - As Pand said we've all felt exactly the same as you so don't worry about moaning.  I'm just on 2ww after 3rd iui, my expectations are low, it's an awful thing to have to go through. Have they suggested any treatment after this?

Pand - Hi hun, perhaps your cycle is just a one off, try not to worry.  Alternative therapies might be able to help if it happens again.  Acupuncture, or homeopathy, might be worth a try.

bubbs - glad you're feeling better

Lyndalou and whippet -  

Faithful xx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Sorry forgot to say

Suszy - Hi, wow starting treatment so soon.  Really hope it works for you hun.

Missyb - Go for it girl, I had 3 follies with this iui and they didn't think it was a problem, in fact were pleased as it increases chance of it working. Funny if we both ended up with triplets


----------



## wouldbegreat

Id just like to say thinking of zengirl at this awfull time bless you honey and take care


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Hi ladies
just popping to wish our lovely Susie   (have started a birthday thread in Celebrations)  http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=138944.0
Hope you're getting spoiled rotten my lovely!
See you on Friday! 
Lotsa love to all
Gayn
XX


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Happy Birthday Susie                 

wouldbegreat -Hope you don't mind me asking but who's zengirl and what's happened?


----------



## wouldbegreat

Happy birthday susie  

Faithfullyhoping ah bless her she is on here i meet her through the feb miracles thread she was 11 weeks and went for a scan and her baby had no skull formed   everything else seemed normal   she had to give  birth to it yesterday after induction their was nothing that could be done so so sad   rip little one  

I just came across this terrible news yesterday as somebody else mentioned it


----------



## cinders35

Oh my goodness,
Poor, poor Zengirl. 
This is just so cruel,  
Cx


----------



## Jo1983

Oh my word, poor Zengirl, what a tremendously sad time for her and her family  

                                Happy Birthday Suzie! Have a fantastic day!      

Love to everyone else
xxx


----------



## missyb

[fly]                     

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSIE


----------



## missyb

that is so awful for poor zengirl...


----------



## wouldbegreat

WARNING 

And now coronation street is going to be sad   (maria's baby )


----------



## Pand

Just a quick one to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

               

Lots and lots of love and  

Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Happy Birthday Susie x

Zengirl how awfull 

Well still hanging in there. Af cramps worse than ever but I suppose there is still a bit of hope x


----------



## whippet

Happy Birthday Susie

Zen how awful really sorry  

Lyndalou how you doing honey I take it you havnt tested? I too am now getting cramps and bricking myself  

Whippet x


----------



## lyndalou

Whippet      Im ok hon still really bad af cramps but everyone keeps saying thats normal. Not really convinced  Only 1 more day to 
                go and im really scared. Terrified to do test now. Wishing you all the luck in the world hon x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Poor zengirl, that's so awful  

Lyndalou and whippet        I really hope you get to testing day and that you get your bfps


----------



## whippet

Lyndalou pleased to see you still here honey wishing you all the luck in the world for tomorrow   

Faith thanks for the no AF please let this be the one dont know if can do this again.

Whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

Just a quick one to say


LyndaLou and Whippet........hang in there ladies  

   

Got all my fingers and toes crossed that you both get bfps  

Jo xxx


----------



## dustyrose

lyndalou and whippet--NO AUNT FLO! NO AUNT FLO!

Im thinking of you both...
Im chanting today for BFP! (BFP's BFP's...)


Im still knee-deep in packing and cleaning and sorting. I got a little smiley face on my ovulation test so the painting of my dd's bedroom had to cease last night for a bit of a quick bms! EEK!!!!! Im back on the TTC bandwagon!!!! Its all about timings, mucus and positions....ha ha ha...ain't life GRAND!!!!


Best of Love to all will pop in again when I can....xxxxxxxx


----------



## angel83

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSIE...


----------



## whippet

Thanks Jo and Dusty appreciate the support   like mad  

Whippet x


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hi 
Af due tomorrow for me too and i know its on its way   

                                Hope everyone is ok and like to send     

                                                  Wouldbegreat


----------



## Jo1983

Wouldbegreat.....

This one's for you.........    

Whippet LyndaLou and Wouldbegreat  to you all

doing lot's and lot's of   ing for you all

Really hoping you bring some bfps to the thread


----------



## wouldbegreat

Ah Jo thankyou thats really sweet thankyou


----------



## Jo1983

wouldbegreat..... you don't have to say thanks just stay    

Oh my word there's so many of you ladies having treatment at the moment (hopefully it won't be long for me now)

Faithfullyhoping........lot's of   ing for you too hun.

     

I don't like missing people out.........I'm a bit supersticious (can't spell that)


----------



## lyndalou

Omg ladies just did test and got a very faint positive still got really bad af pains so not sure what to do. Help


----------



## wouldbegreat

Lyndalou congratulation honey   bad af type pains can happen when you are pregnant i get them in my back its quite normal  so don't worry and enjoy 

If you are worried and want to read more thier are threads about it on here do a search


----------



## lyndalou

Thanks wbgreat  Just finding it hard to beleive it just might be true. Hope you get good news tommorow too x


----------



## nanook

Hi Girls 

Sorry I havent been around - my laptop broke!!  

Havent got time to say much at the mo, but sorry I missed your Birthday Susie - Im the same as you on the marraige front - head is all over the place.

Love to all, Ill be back on properly later today - if not tom.

xx


----------



## nanook

Oh and Lyndalou congrats babe xxxxxxxxx


----------



## tuck

Hey Congratulations lyndalou - fantastic news hun.  It is still quite early to test which is prob why faint but a positive is a positive so once again well done.

Good luck to everyone else this month   to whippet and ffh.

Tuckxx


----------



## bubblicous

lyndalou - congtrats 

missy - how r u chick

emma - your very quite just now everything ok

as for me clomid has been put up to 100mg yay so fingers crossed it works better got to have a tracking scan on cd 12 just to check there aint to many follies if any 

so im happy today


----------



## dustyrose

WOuld be great----     !!!!!! Thinking positive thoughts for you!

LL!!!!!!!!!!!! A faint positive is still a positive! Yay!  

xxooo


----------



## cinders35

Lyndalou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Might be just the hormones giving you af feelings, LOADS of people get that, absolutely LOADS!!!!
That is fanbl00dytastic!!!
You are changing our luck hun,  ! No pressure     !!!!!!

Wouldbegreat         
Hoping it is YOUR turn too!!!!!

Come on Faithful, let's make it a hatrick on here    !!!

Love to all,
Cindersxxx

p.s I forgive you for testing a day early Lyndalou!


----------



## Pand

Lyndalou,

OMG!!!  Well done you!      a

Finally some good news on here!  I can remember really clearly how down you were last year when tx failed.  You deserve some happy news you really do.  A faint positive is a positive (mine was really faint with ds at first) and as for AF pains had those both times I was pregnant.  Convinced myself AF was still going to come or that it was ectopic!!!!  Kept knicker checking for weeks in both cases!  If you're not convinced try putting a post on peer support.

Well done flower pot!!  Congratulations.

Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Wow......Lyndalou that's amazing...as everyone else has said a positive is a positive, don't blame you for testing early hun.    
           
You go girl......very very happy for you and your family, good luck for test date  

Come on wouldbegreat and ffh.....lets keep the good luck going    

Love to everyone else, I'm at work at the mo just popped on to check and I couldn't leave without saying congrats  

Jo xxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi Girls
        
Sorry not posted for a few days have been out for four nights on the trot then was at my mums for bday celebrations and my dad came yesterday pm.  Its been nice not that you can say turning 44 is nice but I keep thinking if I were 50 or 60 I would wish I was 44 and perhaps I still have a bit of a twinkle in my eye!!!
Thank you so much for the bday wishes it started quiet but got better as I had more champers and more friends dropped around and I had lots of lovely cards and phone calls, presents and texts so all in all pretty good.
We have also decided to delay tx til July, the drugs arrived today but after listing my nights out and future events including this weekend going to the big meet up and meeting some of the lovely 2ndry girls and then chester races thought if I could give my liver a rest til july that might be best.  also dh and i not getting on too well and hopefully by july a few things will have been sorted and we will be feeling more summery esp if we have the van back.
I am trying to get out and about and do more things and despite my good intentions of doing more reiki and med have not done so much of that and even missed meditation today but that was because was having a major clear out.  I have been car less for more than a week as dh car broke down last monday and he spent all weekend trying to fix his p reg car (and got into trouble for turning up late to my mums on sunday for my bday celerbration) so with my dad visiting I used his estate car boot to take a whole load of ds old toys down to a newish charity called Save the family and it felt so good, we also went to the tip with garden rubbish so feeling like have achieved a lot today which is good.
being carless has been quite good for me and making me appreciate the house and surroundings more although its a little frustrating as would have liked to have had my hair done for my bday but could not get there.
i am wondering what with the credit crunch and think one of the main reasons dh is so horrible is due to money is that i should give up the gym and perhaps cook a little bit more but if he complains about my food he will be wearing it!
Having just had my bday I realise i do have some good friends even the ones I thought were not always there for me, I dont think they could cope with me being down (just like I cant cope with dh being down now) and actually they are there for me but not in a deep a meaningful way like you lot but they are there if that makes sense.  yes I am on one of my waffles but I know you all know what I am rabbiting on about!

wanted to say welcome rachel and glad you posted its always nice when people do and you feel like a community already.

lyndalou thats brill news and i will so keep my fingers crossed for you

angelmummy thats excellent news and good luck for the next scan

whippet hi pupo lady how are you doing       

ffh hello pupo lady how are you doing      

gayn so looking forward to meeting you honey!

missy go for it girl      

tuck good luck sweetheart    

bubb hope you ok

would be great hope you are ok

dustyrose good luck with the sorting and packing etc    

emma hope you dream comes true sweetheart   good luck


pand - sorry to hear about your cycle, I had phases where I had a 20 day cycle then a 28 day one and not sure what it was about but try not to worry, one of the girls i was out with the other night who has just turned 40 kept asking me about whether i was having hot flushes and I said no - i  think we need to not even think about menapause as its years away, there is a lot to be said for thinking positive!  I am so looking forward to seeing you on Sat but wonder what you and the others will think when I keep getting up to hug you then have a sip of wine and then cry - i just love you all so much and could not have coped without you all. I feel closer to some of you than most people I know.

nanook - you really need to give me your text! we are so similiar we really are, dont suppose you can make it this weekend, hows the job, still think perhaps i should get a job!

zengirl - i dont know you but my heart goes out to you sweetheart     

jo83 thanks for the bday wishes hope you are ok

cinders thinking of you as ever how are you darling     so looking forward to hugging you!

lainey cannot wait to meet you and hug you and squeeze you!  how did you get on today at the appt and happy anniversary - hope you went some where nice for the meal

angel 83 thanks sweetheart hope you are ok    

gab - how are you , what are you up to , miss u     


honeyprincess    

kelway hope you are ok sweetheart come back if you would like to

sarylou  how are you sweetheart how are the wedding plans

emily caitlin how are you sweetheart 
      
maz      thinking of you as ever
  
TC2 /pip          not sure if you ever pop back but we are still here you are the sucess stories
          
drownedgirl            

dizzyloo  how are you sweetheart 

moominemma hope you are ok

Wendeth thanks so much

jobo hope you are ok 

here is to everyone
                    
          

love you all
if anyone can come down to stratford it would be so wonderful or if anyone wants to meet up our own secondary please do.

love, light, healing and energy to you all
love
susie


----------



## lyndalou

Official test date today and line still there  OMG I think im pregnant x


----------



## cinders35

Don't say 'I think I'm pregnant' say it properley and say it out aloud!
I'm waiting...

Cx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou - Yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee it's a                 you're having a   just wanted to use the baby smiley because it's so cute!!

I'm sure it's hard to believe but it is test day today so it must be right!! Enjoy!!!


----------



## cinders35

Faithful,
When is your test date?
  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Cinders -  A week today!  I haven't made it to test date yet though!


----------



## cinders35

First time for everything!  
Cindersxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies.  Back from the land of pregnant ladies & babies (i.e. Center Parcs) - crikey, it was depressing.  Other than that, in the confines of our lodge it was a lovely holiday and I really enjoyed spending a whole 10 full days with my DS.  Internet connection at home is [email protected] and this is the first chance I've had to catch up.  Am at work so it may be a quickie as my Team Leader is here today and is probably wondering what all the typing is about - tut, tut - who cares ?!!!  I need to speak to my friends !

Firstly, sorry to be dim, but what does PUPO stand for ?

Secondly, what's this about a meet up in Stratford ?  I've not had much chance to peruse the site so must have completely missed this one.  I would love the opportunity to meet up with this lovely bunch - is there a special "secondary" group meeting at any point, as I'm not too far away and would pop in to say hello if it would be OK.

Anyway, I will try and do some personals as I have been mega-crap at that of late, and I am sorry.

Lyndalou -             That's fantastic news.

Cinders - how you doing chuck ?   

FFH - everything crossed for you         .  How are you feeling ?  

nanook - hope you're OK.  I'm with you on the marriage front - mine's going down the pan and has been for some time.  Can't work out if it's just the TTC stuff or if it was going that way anyway.  Got my next "if you're not pregnant in the next 6 months come back and see me" consultant appt on the 9th May and the miserable git wasn't even going to book any time off work to come with me. He makes me so upset  .  Hope your DH is behaving himself.   

tuck - hope you're OK   

Bubblicious - how r u doing hun ?  Hope you're OK and that the 100mg works for you.  It got my system going again at 100mg but still no BFP for us.  All the very best to you     

wouldbegreat -           How are you ?

Pand - hope you're OK.  Sorry to hear about your cycle - perhaps it's jut a one off ?  Know what you mean about the menopause thing - my doctor tested me for premature menopause when I was only 34 - I was mortified !  Fingers crossed for you that it's just a blip in your cycle.  I'm turning 36 next week and am getting way too hung up on thinking that my fertility is going down the pan, as it would be doing for any woman with no TTC problems at this age. Time and other things really aren't on my side !  Lots of love to you    

Jo1983 - hope you're OK   

Suszy - sorry I missed your birthday - hope it was a good one.  Mine's on Monday which is great 'cos it's a bank holiday so I'll get a day off work, but pants 'cos I'll be 36.  Eek.  Fertility down the pan yet more.  Love to you    

Zengirl - I am so so sorry to hear what happened to you.  Words fail me.       

Missy -             Go for it girlie !   

Rachel - welcome !  You've come to the right place.  

Whippet - how are you doing ?       

dustyrose - good luck with your packing.  Fingers crossed your BMS worked !     

Angel83 - how are you ?   

Emma - how are you doing ?    

Going to have to get on with some work - keep getting some strange looks from the boss.  Love and best wishes to all you lovely ladies 
     
Sorry to those of you that I've missed...it wasn't intentional - just haven't got time to catch up with all these posts !


----------



## angel83

Congratulations to Lyndalou

Sorry for the no personals, its just too much to catch up on

Suszy & Jobo - Im ok Folks! Just a bit fed up with it all.

AF arrived for me 2day - So thats 7 x BFN's in a row. Ive decided to take a month off for a little break and also because i will be in liverpool at BMS time. So not point really. I really didn't think that it wouldn't work, but i guess its looking unlikely now. I sat in my DS's room last night just watching him sleep and i felt this wave of peace hit me. Maybe it can be just the 3 of us. And im hoping that i can start to think more thoughts like that. Although we are TTC baby No2, we are only at the start of the Tx journey. We will be referred for IUI in the summer and we will have to wait a few years on the NHS. Maybe that will give us time to "Move On" slightly. And if we still want to go for the IUI when its our turn, then we can decide that at the time.

Sorry for the very me post. But just wanted to let u all know how im feeling at the moment.


----------



## jobo5572

Angel83 - so sorry AF got you - she's such a cow.  Big   to you.

I'm so fed up with all this and I must be a right bl00dy misery to be around.  Just nipped into town on my lunchbreak and there were a couple of chavs coming towards me, **** in hands, and then one shouted down the street to someone "It's a boy", promtly rubbed her belly, then said "I had the scan this morning.  It's deffo".  I could've screamed at her.  It infuriates me when I see people smoking when they're PG !     

Sorry.  Rant over.


----------



## angel83

Aww what a cow.

Your so right!


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hi all 

Af has arrived today   on time same as last month 13DPO 

Wouldbegreat


----------



## whippet

so sorry wouldbegreat   

Whippet x


----------



## jobo5572

sorry the bad witch showed up wouldbegreat  .  It's just not fair is it ?


----------



## wouldbegreat

Thankyou   next month will be my month


----------



## dustyrose

So sorry wouldbegreat....


----------



## bubblicous

angel - sorry af turned up hunni u looking forward to liverpool  

wouldbegreat - sorry af turned up  

jobo - that drives me nuts too espec when im at the maternity getting my bloods done and they are standing there 9 months pregnant about to pop with ther pjs on and a *** in hand puffing as if theyd die if they didnt grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

lyndalou - woohoooo     so glad ur line is still there congrats babes 

ffh - got my fingers and toes crossed for you 

suzy - hey sweetie hows u

emma - u ok 

missy - hugs how u getting on wot cycle u one now xxx

as for me day 2 of 100mg felt very sleepy today hoping it means the clomid is working as i got reall tired with it 1st month of 50 mg
i have my raw rose quartz next to my bed meant to be good for fertility so fingers crossed it works


----------



## Jo1983

So sorry wouldbe great  

I like your positive attitude though  

Jo 
xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

jobo - I'm going to centerparcs at the end of whitsun   It might turn into an emotional endurance test rather than a nice weekend break!! Especially with my sister and her 3 children (all conceived since I had my dd   )

No I'm sure it'll be fine and my dd will enjoy being with her cousins which is the main thing.

Whippet - not long till testing  

wouldbegreat - sorry it's another bfn for you hun  

angel - I think it does us all good to appreciate what we have got from time to time.

When is the Stratford meet?  I think I've missed it somehow too!!! I'm not far away so could pop down.


----------



## cinders35

Stratford meet is this weekend hun, you haven't missed it!
Not sure whether I am up to it yet, but pm Pand for details  
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi ladies hope you are all ok, sorry i havnt been on here for a while, i will be back on later to do some personals, i have been having some problems at home but thigs are sorted now.

i am feeling very wierd this month, think i am feeling pg?? my af isnt due for a couple more days, do you think if i got a clear blue tetst i could do it tomorrow? or is that too early, sorry im going out of my mind.

am thinking of you all

xxxxx


----------



## whippet

Emma these tests are good  up to 4 days before your period are due bey 4 days before you have about a 50/50 of it picking up going up to 90% 1 day before Good luck with what you decide   

Whippet x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Emma - good luck testing hun, hope it's a bfp for you!!


----------



## emsylou

whippet ffh thankyou, i have decided im gonna wait a till af is due, i have started having cramps tonight so i am thinking that maybe its not my month this month either.xxxx


----------



## whippet

Em hang in there lots of pregnant women still get cramps 

Whippet x


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Lovely Ladies

Thank you all soooooo much for all your congratulations.  It still hasnt hasnt really sunk in yet still knicker checking!
Told both sets of parents yesterday [so emotional] Scan booked for the 14th  all will be fine.

Angel and wBgreat Sorry AF has arrived  

Em I had cramps and was convinced all was over so be positive  

FFhoping and whippet          

Much love and kisses to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh I forgot this one is for Cinders " I AM PREGNANT"


----------



## whippet

Ladies we tested today 1 day early and it says Pregnant!!!!! Cant believe it

Whippet x


----------



## cinders35

Yeahhhhhhh...........          

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS Whippet!!!!!!!!!

Lot's of love 
Cindersxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

OMG whippet CONGRATULATIONS HONEY      

Its great that thier is good things on here this week keep it up girls  

Cinders thanks for pm it helped me  

I have keeped myself busy i am painting still nearly done whole house   one room and landing to go  

Im on a dinner break  

Love to you all


----------



## bubblicous

whippet - congrats massive congrats hunni

emma - chin up it aint over yet 

wbg - wanna come paint my house too 

lundalou - glad uve got ur scan booked congrats again 


as for me well tomorrow is my last clomid for the month so fingers crossed it works
im off out on a girlie nite out tonight and cant wait 

well im off just now kisses to all


----------



## dustyrose

to Whippet....

Wow girls, I've only just joined this thread and already two BFP's...this is very encouraging and reassuring!!!!!!!!!!!!!


xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## tuck

Hey Whippet wow congratulations, fantastic news -well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  lets go girls and good luck to all the girls still trying.

Tuckxxx


----------



## emsylou

Hi all.

Whippet- huge congratulations on your    well done hun, i wish you all the best. 

Bubbs- hey sweetie, fingers crossed the clomid works for you, and i hope you have a realy nice time tonight, you deserve it.  

WBG-hi hun, sorry to hear about your af turning up, how is your decorating going? i am going to decorate my hall way and stairs over the weekend, i cant wait, i love making things look diffrent.  

lyndalou-congratulations on your   all the best hun. 

Missyb-how are you sweetie?  

Dustyrose-hi hun, how are you?  

Cinders-how are you doing hun?  

Jobo-sorry to hear about that chav the other day, i know how you feel though hun it realy gets to me aswell, hope you are ok now though. 

Angel-how are you feeling hun? sorry to hear about your af.  

Ok so i tried my hardest to say hi to evry one but huge big   to you if i missed you out.

I am deffo getting af sort of crampy pains, my back is in agony, but i have been trying to rest lots just in case. I am still trying to stay postive though, mind you one minute i feel super posotive and the next i have no hope at all. But this month deffinatly does feel diffrent to normal, probably me just wanting it so too much but oh well we will see.
I have got to go to my bil's tomorrow cuz my nephew is having his 1'st bday party so that should be fun (not) sitting with my b!tch of a mother in law and all of hubby's family that i dont particularly like lol.
Well if af does arrive at least i will have my driving test to look foreward to, its on the 12th so i only have two more lessons to go, i have been picking my car am going to go and get one on the day i pass, i am determined i am not going to fail.
Anyways i hope all you lovely ladies have a great weekend, will be thinking about you all.
Em
xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## missyb

hi ladies!!


OMG!!! i leave you for a couple of days and there are 2 bfps!!!!!

CONGRATS to whippet and lyndalou!!!!                      

hi emma... im fine thanks sweety how are you?? fingers crossed that the pain you are getting is more to do with being pg than af  

hi bubs how are you doing?? hope you have a lovely night out.. are you going for tracking this mth?? hope ur ok sweets. im on 2nd cycle of clomid.. would've been 3 but i lost the tablets!!!

hi lainey-lou... hope you are ok hun you've gone a bit quiet.. bet your out in the car.. hope you guys have a fab time on sat xx

hi suzy.. did the card turn up?? hope you are ok... im so bummed that i wont be there sat.. hope you raise a glass for me and say hi to naughty gayn for me!!!

hi pand.. how are you doing sweety? will be thinking of the golden girls sat xx

hi cinders... you are in my thoughts hun all of the time xx

hi WBG... how are you doing hun?  my house is soooo in need of decorating!


i know there are probably loads of ppl ive missed out and i promise it's not intentional... we are such a big family now!


Hope you all have a fab weekend.


amanda xx


----------



## jobo5572

Congratulations Whippet            that's fab news.

Sorry no more tonight ladies.  Have just had a birth announcement so am pretty upset - wish I could pull myself together but this happens every time.  It's a friend who's just had her 3rd - no.s 2 & 3 all born within my TTC period and no.1 is 5 weeks younger than my DS.  I had coffee with her this morning !!  She was fine.  6 o'clock tonight she popped out no.3.  Of course I am happy for her but I am so upset    .  I'm sure you'll all understand.

Also, got a positive on OPK yesterday but had Mr Floppy last night and Mr Floppy says he has man flu tonight so I could kill him.  Did have BMS about 3 days ago but chances for this month are again pretty slim.  I give up.  I have no chance.


----------



## Jo1983

Yay Whippet  

    CONGRATULATIONS HUN    

This is amazing girls........lets keep it up! 

Sorry no personals but I'm at work.

Love to all  
Jo
xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

yey whippet             

I had a feeling it would be a bfp for you too whippet!


----------



## lyndalou

Whippet  Know already said it on the other tread but Congrats hon      
So very pleasd for you


----------



## cinders35

Just wanted to say how lovely it was to meet you ladies in Stratford today,  
you have given me renewed strength    
Thankyou.  
I would be so lost without you,
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Evening girls
hope you are all ok and happy bday jobo for Monday there are a few of us Taureans arent there. Happy Birthday Pand as well. No wonder we all get on!
Had a lovely meet up at Evesham with the general FFers and met the lovely Tony Mel and mods which was lovely and of course our lovely Gayn! The FF meet ups are under FF events on the main page.
Then on Sat met up with Pand, Cinders, Lainey and Jobo and it was so lovely and felt so natural so come on you girls we need to get more in the diary and more of you there. It was just so wonderful to meet you all and your kids!
I had a bit of a hang over this morning.
Angela has just emailed her new website for her beauty room so wil cut and paste it in here.http://www.quintonstudio.com/
Not much else to report at the mo just glad its

Lyndalou - I know I have said congrats already but I will say it again well done my girl.   

whippet - congratulatios on your       

gayn lovely to meet you at last and to hear you singing!!! I had a bad head today what about you! 

ffh good luck honey        

emily caitlin how are you? 

nanook how are things with you honey, seems there are a few of us with the same problems  

angel83 so sorry you are feeling a bit pants sweetheart    

cinders - it was so fab to meet you too and so glad you came - we really must get some regular dates in the diary and try and get as many more to come as we can.   Keep your chin up and hope you feel better again soon.

pand - so good to meet you and ds and it just felt so natural and right together happy belated   

jobo           for tomorrow sorry did not realise it was today when we met and it was so love meeting you and ds. had not read about mr floppy either so did not realise about that. it was good to chat and compare notes. I hope you are having a nice bday and that you are getting spoilt. Good luck for the 9th If i lived closer I would have come with you. DH has missed a few appts and I did the whole clommid scans on my own.

lainey so lovely to meet you and your lovely dd - it was just so lovely wasnt it, we all know what each other thought and felt and I just loved the way we just looked at each other if we saw a preg lady or pram! we must do more often!  

missby how are you honey we so missed you on Sat but next time ! hope you are doing ok sweetheart - good luck with the clommid   

jo83 hope you are ok 

gabrielle how are you doing honey - please come back and let us know 

honeprincess - how are you it would be lovely to hear from you. 

tuck how are you sweetheart  

wbg sorry about af 

dustyrose how are you sweetheart 

emma good luck do hope its a positive sweetheart   but our bodies do play tricks on us

bubbs hope you are ok and not going too mad on the old clommid etc thinking of you and wishing you luck  
Hope I hve not missed anyone out
Lots of love to you all - you are wonderful girls
love
susie


----------



## jobo5572

Cinders and Suszy (and Pand and Lainey-lou) it was so fantastic to meet you too  .  I felt so happy on the way home that I had finally met and chatted face to face with people who understood !  It was great and such a release somehow.  Can't wait to meet up again.    already !!!

Happiness was short-lived once I got home as I got a call from the friend who had no.3 on Friday and it was all baby baby baby.  Fair play to her I suppose - I would be the same (given the ruddy chance ), but slightly more tactful to a friend going through IF.  Grrrrrrrrrr.  I am so happy for her but it's hard  .  But I was a very very brave girlie today and in order to give my friend a break, picked up her eldest DD this morning and took her out to a soft play (full of bumps and women with their baps out, (.)(.)feeding) then took her home and saw the 2 day old baby.  Made me very sad inside but hope it didn't show to her on the outside.  Had a corker of a question from her DD whilst out - "Jo, when are you going to have a baby ?" followed by DS asking "mummy, are we having a baby".  Oh good grief !  How I kept it together I don't know.  

Missyb - wish you could've made it.  Hope you got the photo OK !  Apologies for the fat blob on the far right (too many cadbury's mini eggs)!

FFH -    

Lyndalou & Whippet - hope you're feeling OK !

Cinders, Pand, Laineylou & Suszy - thank you soooooooooooooooooo much for yesterday. 

Anyway, enough of me.  Going to get an early night so as to try and prevent any more wrinkles appearing, seeing as though I'm getting way too old !!  Expecting breakfast in bed tomorrow for my birthday, but with DH's reputation for doing nice things I shan't hold my breath !

Lots of love,    and   to everyone.  We can get through this with our FF's !!!


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

just a quickie as DH waiting for me to go outside and help in the garden. sorry couldn't come to stratford, would have loved to have met you but dd had 2 birthday parties on sat so had to be a taxi!!  Also not sure DH would have understood.  GLad you all had a good time.

I've been really bloated the past 3  days and feel like AF is on her way.  Felt quite positive this am though for a couple of hours, but now trying to be realistic.  If i could just get through tomorrow without the witch I'd be happy as she's always arrived 2 weeks from trigger shot! 

Enjoy your bank holiday all

Faithful x


----------



## whippet

Faithful hang in there   you get past tomorrow then to your positive.

Jobo how you doing honey birth announcements and friends and colleagues falling pregnant is so hard you got to believe your time will come and soon because you deserve it and will a wonderful parent   

Hope all ok

Whippet x


----------



## emsylou

hi lovelies, just to let you know i done a hpt today and got a bfn, am just waiting for af to arrive now xxx


----------



## whippet

So sorry Emma    

Whippet x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

sorry for your bfn Emma, you never know though until AF arrives.


Pink CM for me this am (sorry TMI), stupid thing is I was feeling more positive this morning about it all, I'm really cross with myself for getting my hopes up


----------



## whippet

Faith keep the faith honey I had that day 8 and 9 past transfer  

Whippet x


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Whippet - Congratulations!!!  What a star you are!!  Two positives in a week.  I really hope we can make it a hat trick!   

Jo - First of all     I really hope dh has made an effort.  You really could do with being cheered up couldn't you?  I think you are so brave going to see your friend when you're feeling so low yourself.  Sorry about running off with ds's sunglasses bless him!  We will have to meet up for coffee soon so that I can hand them back!  I really hope your week improves hun.  It was so lovely meeting you on Saturday!

Cinders - Congratulations on your first wobble free day!  You are such a brave lady and seemed so together on Saturday.  Just go easy on yourself and don't expect too much from yourself too quickly.  It's okay to be sad.  You have every right.  Keep an eye on the post... there may be a little something winging it's way to you!

Lainey Lou - LOOOOOOOOVE your car and your little girl is just gorgeous!  I really hope that your next tx is the one that makes it for you.  Once again I loved meeting you on Saturday and will keep you posted with any more meet ups.  Did try to text you on Sat, but once again my phone kept bouncing my texts saying the message hadn't been sent!!!!!  Not sure what the technical hitch is, but will keep messaging you on here instead!

Susie - How's the head now my love?  Thanks for you pm.  I have tried sending one back to you but your inbox is full!!!!  You are another person who I am hugely impressed with your strength and courage.  You too have come a long way over the last 12 months!  

Missyb - How are you hun?  Hope you like the photo!!!!  We must make sure that next time we sort a date that we can all make!  It was lovely but not complete without you!!!!

Lyndalou - How are you feeling at the mo?  Terrified i should imagine but excited too.  Keeping everything crossed for you!

FFH - Oh hun.  The 2ww is just flipping torture.  I will be keeping everything crossed that the old bat stays away and that you complete our run of good luck on here!  

Emma - I'm really sorry the old bat turned up for you. I'm sure you must be feeling very down.  It's just so heartbreaking every flipping month isn't it?  Maybe next month flower.

Hi to everyone else I haven't mentioned!  A bit too tired to do personals for all, but know that I still love ya!

Had a fantastic but very busy weekend! Spent yesterday at the wedding of one of my old university housemates.  All the old housemates were back together it was fab.  Two of us spent most of the evening mine sweeping the tables, getting very trollied, and then break dancing on the dance floor.  Just picture this, a 37 year old, nearly 13 stone woman, lying on her belly on the floor trying to do the caterpillar move and only succeeding in looking like a beached whale!  Everyone was in hysterics!  Ah well, I enjoyed myself.  Am really beginning to believe that life will be ok just the three of us.  Hope I can hang on to that positivity and that I continue enjoying life just for the little things!

Love to all

Take care 

Pand


----------



## bubblicous

hey girlies

not been on fro a few days was out on friday nite and i got so so drunk omg i couldnt remember how i got home had to get my friend to fill in a few blanks 
so spent all of saturday in bed throwing up and yesterday i was working all day 

so great fun here im cd something i dont even know but bms is due to start i know that much

fingers crossed the clomid has worked but i havent had any cramps yet so im not to sure

kisses to you all will do personals later on xx

emma - sorry about your bfn


----------



## jobo5572

Good evening ladies.  Just been out for tea with DH and DS for my birthday - stuffed to the eyeballs now, pig that I am, oink oink  .  A family arrived with a newborn and of course made a bee-line for me (I think I attract bumps & babies !) and plonked themselves at the next table.  The ruddy baby scriked all throughout the meal and it was driving me insane.  DH moaned at me for being so impatient - what I tried to explain to him was that I am not impatient - it was just like a ruddy baby was right in my face and I could've done without it.  Men !!!  Anyway, apart from that, I have had a lovely day with DS.  DH is still claiming man flu so was ruddy useless, and needless to say, no breakfast in bed ! Have had lots of lovely presents from all my friends so am feeling very happy - until I think of how old I am  !!!

Pand - hey sunglasses thief .  Glad you had a good time at the wedding.  I don't believe you are anywhere near 13 stone - take those bricks out of your pocket next time you get on the scales you fool.  We must definitely meet up again soon - can't believe we live so close and I am a stone's throw away from your best mate !  Small world.  Anyway, I am generally free most weekends as DH is normally working, plus evenings when he's around I can escape, so let me know when you fancy it.  I really admire your positive outlook on things....I am a long long long way from even contemplating just the 3 of us. Lots of love to you  

FFH - I have everything crossed for you       .  Good luck !

Whippet - thanks for your kind words  .  Hope you're feeling OK.

Emma - sorry about the BFN, but hang on in there - you never know.     

Suszy - thanks for your text today.  Lots of love  

Laineylou - hope that car's OK and damage-free !  

Cinders - you are a super brave lady !  I would be in bits if I'd been through what you have of late.  Lots of love  

Bubbs - good for you for getting blottoed !

Love to everyone else.

As for me, I suppose I'm officially on the 2WW as OPK indicated I ovulated on Fri/Sat.  However, with DH being Mr Floppy and having man flu I think my chances are pretty slim (wish I was....slim that is !!!)


----------



## emsylou

hiya, thankyou evryone for being there, my af arrived this afternoon, am absolutley gutted now, i thought that may be just maybe i had tested a bit early and if i waited a day or two and tested again it could have been a bfp, silly me. I guess the pineapple juice and brazil nuts isnt any good for me either, so it looks like its ivf or no baby, but as we cant afford ivf then i had better forget about it and just accept that it aint gonna happen, well not on its own anyways. Sorry for such a moody post am feeling a bit   now.
Any ways i just wanted to thank you all for being such wonderful and amazing people, i dont know what i would do with out you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## lyndalou

Good morning ladies  Hows everyone this morning?

Have had some sharp stabbing pains all weekend but have read its quite normal. Going to gp today to check its ok. Just want to get to scan date to make sure all is ok. No bloods taken yet! This is going to be a longggggggggggg 9 months

Em sorry the dreaded Afn has arrived  

Jobo  Happy birthdyay  hon

Oh must go Autoglass have arrived big crack in my windowscreen. Will catch up later!

Love to everyone not mentioned xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Emma - so sorry the witch arrived.


----------



## wouldbegreat

Emma so sorry af arrived honey  

Hi everyone i am still painting my home   nearly finished one room to do   i was going to do it this morning then went to tesco and just vaxed the car ( what is wrong with me )   so i will be doing it in a bit  

What a lovely day shame it had to wait till today  

I started the testing of my new fertility monitor today and it was a low day thank god for that i had images of last month with the persona red every day from cd 6 till cd26 then i took batteries out  

Sorry no personals but i am so busy at the moment i can relax when its all done  

Hope you are all ok love to you all wouldbegreat


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls!

As usual it has taken me about 3 hours to catch up on the posts so no long post from me today.  Need to do a few personals though.

Lyndalou - this calls for a dancing banana I feel           Well done, i am so thrilled for you.  I have everything crossed for you re: the scan.  I hope you have a trouble free 9 months.

Whippet - I don't know, you have a week away and TWO people get BFPs.  More bananas are required         Congrats to you too.  I am delighted, some good news at last.

WBG, Emma - sorry the witch turned up    Why can't she leave us alone?  Hugs to both of you  

FFH - not long now.  Are you nervous?  I am   for BFP no 3.  Good luck.

Cinders - It was so lovely to meet you on Saturday at long last.  I can't believe we waited so long.  It was extra special as I didn't think you were coming.  You were very brave and I am glad you didn't regret coming.  We must meet again soon, want to do it every week now    Love ya x

Pand - ditto, ditto.  It was great getting together.  I didn't realise we are the same age, I always thought you were younger than me.  It was so lovely being surrounded by like minded people, I felt sort of safe, like noone could bother me, if you know what I mean.  Sending belated  

Susie - belated   to you too.  You miss so much if you don't post for a while.  I agree with what you said about it being really natural when we were together.  It was so nice, although a little surreal at first.  Hope the head is better now and glad we may be cycle buddies after all  

Jobo - glad you came on Saturday too, it was so lovely just being able to chat openly, knowing that we all feel EXACTLY the same.  Glad you found ds's sunglasses, I know what a disaster it can be when they lose a favourite thing.   for yesterday, sorry I didn't post then  

Nanook - any job news?  Hope you hear soon.

Missy  - such a shame you couldn't come Saturday, hope you had a good weekend and spent lots of time fertilising those eggs of yours.  Don't forget, if it's triplets I'll have one.  

Bubbs - you sound like a girl after my own heart, I love a drink!  It is good to let your hair down sometimes, we deserve it.  Glad you are feeling better.

Hi to Tuck, dustyrose, jo1983, MrsChaos.  

Gab, Honeyprincess, Sarylou, wendeth -  

I had IVF appointment last Tuesday so its all systems go.  I need my test results from my old clinic and for AF to arrive and then I can get the last oncology tests done re: partial molar pg and have some bloods done to decide my drugs protocol.  It seems to have come around quickly in the end.  Not sure I am ready for it    We have a holiday booked in Italy at the end of May so think that may interfere with a cycle in May.  Might have to wait until June, will speak to consultant when AF arrives to see whats what.

Love to everyone 

Lainey x


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## missyb

hi ladies!!!

wow a couple of days off and i have sooo much to catch up with!!

hi susie,pand,cinders,lainey-lou & jobo... im so sorry i couldnt make saturday   sounds like you guys had a wicked time. i loved the pic, it's so lovely to see my girlies.. and what a gorgeous bunch you all are! im definatley up for another meet and hope it's soon!!!


lainey-lou.. hi sweety.. sounds like it's all systems go for you hun.. how do you feel about it all? i cant believe that 6 mths has gone already.

belated happy birthay to jobo!!!

hi emma.. sorry that the nasty witch turned up for you  

hi bubs.. sounds like you had a fab time! i cant remember the last time that i got that drunk.. oh yes i do.. i came home with a bollard and a men at work road sign!!


hi WBG how is the decorating coming on? glad that the new fertility monitor is giving you a bit of a break this mth!!! my dp wouldve exploded if he'd had to do it that many times!!!

hi lyndalou.. how are you now hun?  that all is well for you sweety.


hi faithful.. did the witch show??

hi gayn.. how are you sweets? how is the hangover?? lol thank you for your support hun and for the advice   col is on cod4 (now there's a suprise!) 

hi honeyprincess..you know where we are hun hope to hear from you soon xx


i know that there are loads that i have probably forgotten so i will just give you all a big  .

as for me i have had some serious peestick madness this mth. i think the problem is that i know i had 3 good sized follies and a good womb lining and im just   that this is my mth.. sometimes though i think ignorance is bliss! to make matters worse i had an evap line (which is still there!) and for a sec i was really excited and then reality kicked in!!


hope you are all feeling a bit more sane that i am!! 


amanda xx


----------



## bubblicous

missy - made me giggle    ive done that one myself my friends boyfriend came to collect us and i scrathed the interior of the car with the sign he was not impressed (that was back in the old days when i was about 19 and daft   no on saturday i just woke up wondering how the hell i got home


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All - Witch arrived with a vengeance yesterday   feel so sad.


----------



## lainey-lou

oh ffh, i am so sorry   I really hoped we were on a roll on here.  Thinking of you x


missy - step away from the peesticks or I will have to make a citizens arrest


----------



## bubblicous

ffh - so sorry honey really though it was your turn


----------



## lyndalou

Faithfullyhoping


----------



## wouldbegreat

FFH I'm really sorry af arrived


----------



## whippet

Ffh so sorry honey     

whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

FFh.........so so sorry hun, sending a massive, huge   for you.

Jo
xxx


----------



## cinders35

Hi everyone,

Faithful, so very very sorry hun   
It just feels so never ending doesn't it?
What happens next?

WARNING, ME,ME,ME.......

I have had an AWFUL day. My first day back at work, and we had a 45 year old woman on the gynae list for a TOP (termination) and sterilisation. I have just come home and                         

Why is life like this?

My friends are texting me to arrange get togethers, and I am in no position to see them. All of them with their 2-3 children, leading their happy lives, I feel like they are taking pity on me    . They are so lucky. These are my friends I am talking about, what sort of person am I to be begrudging them their happy families? I am just plain jealous, it is an ugly feeling, and I feel so bitter and twisted right now. I said to dp that I want to emigrate, run away.
I feel like I want to curl up in a ball, and be left alone.

No more wobble free days for me I'm afraid Pand. I am a constant blob of jelly, wobbling all day long   

Cindersxxx


----------



## tuck

Hi all, 

Cinders big   how awful your first day back at work, feel for you i really do. sorry didn't know what top meant til just read your updated post- how dreadful.. I could have written your post i know EXACTLY where you are coming from with the friends thing, the taking pity thing - all of it.......It seems all the more cruel because you were almost there and had it snatched away.  I emailed my friend (first timer babies) to tell how i felt, she sent me a response and i'm just not strong enough to respond so I have effectively stopped seeing them.  I am still seeing my 2nd timer friends (for ds more than me) and they are all 7 months now with big bumps.  Don't know what I'm gonna do when the babies arrive.  I also felt like moving away away and starting again.  Remember darling it is still very close to your loss and it is completely natural to feel how you feel you are still grieving its still very raw - and you know we are there for you and understand. 

ffh - I'm so sorry that you did not get the result you so wished for this month  

Lainy lou - your holiday to Italy sounds great.  - Good luck with the ivf whenever you decide to go for it.  After my loss i wasn't allowed to ttc for 3 - 6 months but when the longest wait came round in March, I just wasn't ready still not really ready now  so give yourself time and enjoy your hols.

missyb - how r things with you    

would be great - you sound like a very busy lady - i feel positively lazy in comparison - must get on with my list of jobs.

jobo - hope you had a lovely bday and got ur breakfast in bed.  there are quite a few of us on here a similar age me for one.  Must be hard for you at the mo with your friend and the innocent questions her dd and your ds said - 

Emma   how are you now sweetie.

whippet and lyndalou -   hope you're both doing well - you give us hope.

Pand - how are you - your weekend with uni friends sounds fantastic - have great vision of you caterpillaring across the floor, now I am impressed.  Glad you are feeling more positive sweetie.

Susie hope you  are ok

Hi to Bubbs, jo, wendeth and anyone else i missed.

You girls all sound like you had a wonderful time in Stratford, I would have loved to have come and met you all but was busy that weekend, when is the next one.  Are there any photies - would love to see what people look like.

Have had my mind taken off everything recently as dh has been in the process of getting a new job to get him off nights finally. Well after 3 weeks of toing and froing he has finally accepted a day role to start in 3 months, same money so very pleased about this needless to say.  Now that worry is over I'm back to worry of ttc etc.  My cycle is fairly messed up pretty sure i've not ovulated yet and been 3/4 weeks since last period.  Also think i'm due to ovulate from tubeless side which leaves me really negative and thinking why bl**dy bother!!  

Been especially cowardly this week - a colleague due 3 days after what i would have been - which was the 19 of this month   is leaving work on Friday and I have booked the day off.  I couldn't face the baby talk and atmosphere when i knew I should be in her position.  Feel bad that I am so weak.

also had words with my mum cos she wants me to go to a huge 1st birthday bash for a family member's ds (she has 2 kids aged 1 and 2) who stood with my sister and said, bold as brass that she must get on with ttc no. 2 cos the worst thing she could imagine was her dd being an only child!!!!!!! There is no way i can go but I am really p*ssing off my family maybe I have to get over my self preservation and get on and do these things, I just don't know.

Anyways it is a beautiful day today, ds is happy, if a little hot and I must go.  Sorry such a long post.  Hugs to all think of you all alot.

Tuckxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Cinders - How awful for you on your first day back, life is just so cruel sometimes.  

Today I was thinking that I don't want to keep on feeling sad, I really don't. But how do you make it go away? I'm sure you must be thinking the same, the tears just keep coming don't they - especially for you as you thought for a short time that it was within your grasp.  I don't know what to say to make you feel any better hun. Just be kind to yourself I guess and recognise that you're still grieving.  

Tuck - Good news about DH's job, but sorry you're feeling pressured to go to that party.  I would say if it's going to get you down then don't go.  sometimes self preservation has to come first!  I'm sure your mum would agree if she really understood, the thing is that our family generally haven't been through what we've been through so they don't properly understand.


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## jobo5572

FFH - I am so gutted for you.    .  It's just not fair is it ? Lots of love to you.

Cinders - big     to you.  Your 1st day back sounds dreadful.  Apologies for the delay in my response to your text about the TOP - I was in a meeting all morning and then found out about DH being rushed to hospital (see later) so hope the response was coherent.  Some people just don't appreciate what they've got do they ?  I've always been anti-abortion unless for an extremely good solid medical reason and it infuriates me when people just decide to terminate a pregnancy just 'cos it doesn't suit them, or it was a "mistake", or whatever other lame sh1tty excuse they come up with.  There are enough people in the world so desperate to have a baby and it just isn't fair.  It must've been dreadful for you my love.  Please don't feel bitter and twisted about your friends with more than 1 child....in our situation it is completely natural to feel that way...though I know where you're coming from and often feel the same myself.  As all my friends (except my special secondary FF's !) have more than 1 child and they have all had their "extras" in the time I've been TTC, I can't do anything to avoid the situation, short of completely ignoring them all for a while.  I sometimes feel like a right cow when I think horrible thoughts about them...such as thinking last week "why am I doing this ?" when I took my friends DD out to give her a break after she'd popped out no.3.  I was thinking "well it's her choice to put herself under this pressure so why should I help" - how bitter and twisted do you want ?!!!  It's not me at all to think like that, and this IF stuff has turned me into someone I don't like most of the time.  I am extremely happy for her that she's now got 3 healthy children but can't help feeling extremely sad for myself.  Anyway, enough of me.  You take good care of yourself and just take one step at a time.....you've been through something really sh1tty and you need to take time to come to terms with that in your own way, but always remember that we're here and do text/call me any time if it helps. Lots of love to you    

Tuck - people just don't understand do they ?  You've not been cowardly by booking the day off - that's just your way of coping with the situation and that's fine - you do what you need to do and sod everyone else.  WRT the family party thing - if you don't want to go then you don't have to - easy for me to say as it's not my family and if it was I'd be in the same quandry (spelling?!).  If your family understood what you were going through then they would understand.  Trouble is, it's not until you've experienced something yourself first hand that you fully appreciate what it's like.  I remember years ago seeing a programme on IVF and thinking a flippant "oh that must be dreadful" and then moving on to whatever I was doing, not paying any attention to it whatsoever.  Boy how times have changed.  You look after yourself   

As for me, well I was at a meeting today in Birmingham when I got a call that DH had been rushed to hospital.  I'd gone there on the ruddy train so was of course stranded in Brum wondering how the hell to get back quickly to get to the hospital and had to wait over an hour for the next train back.  On a positive note, it got me out of a very boring meeting  .  I was then feeling very guilty about [email protected] off DH for having had "man flu" when in fact it turns out he's quite ill   !  To cut a long story short, he's got Quinsy (an abscess/infection on or around the tonsils and throat that can restrict the airway) so has had an op to try and sort that out but it hasn't worked so they're going for round 2 tomorrow, so he's still in hospital.  I still managed to get some nagging in at visiting time  ....i.e. he should've gone to the docs last week when he was moping around feeling sorry for himself (which is why I put it down to man flu !) and his abscess/infection wouldn't have been so bad and he probably wouldn't have ended up in hospital.  I have my consultant's appointment on Friday at the same hospital, and at this rate, I'll be asking the cons to meet me at DH's bedside !!  Either that or I'll be going it alone  .  And yet again there were heavily PG women at the entrance outside in dressing gowns, **** in hand/mouth  .  So annoyed !!  I gave one a right dirty look and she looked like she was going to punch my lights out so I made a hasty exit !

Anyway, must go and get some sleep - I'm absolutely whacked.  There's only me & DH here as we have no family around to support us so I was flitting between the hospital, nursery & home.  Couldn't even rely on friends as they all have so many ruddy kids that they couldn't have fitted my DS in their cars (OK, slight exaggeration but as it happens a couple are on holiday, one's just had her 3rd, others were working away from home etc. !).  Anyway I now have verbal diarrhoea - shut up Jo !!!!!!! 

Love to you all


----------



## SUSZY

I hope you have all been enjoying the weather as much as you can, i know its hard for a few of you on here at the mo but have decided to try and make the most of the good days and then tolerate the bad ones, have had a lovely couple of weeks what with going out, bdays, drinking the big FF meet up , meeting some of the lovely secondary girls, doing a bit more reiki med and dh and I getting o n slighty better as he fixed his car and mowed the lawn with no problem so am making the most of it while I can.  having said that managed to get a flat tyre yesterday so you just never know whats around the corner but I am going to chester races tomorrow so will be quaffing champers and hope not to have too bad a head but then I will be back to being healthy etc.  it was my step fathers 61 st bday yest and my mum got him wii fit, it needed sorting by dh so we have used it tonight and its great except i have a bmi of 28 not good!!!!!!!! and have a lot of work to do but after my weeks of excess feel more ready to do it if you know what I mean.  Sometimes one has to go really mad to get back to being normal if that makes sense!  Feeling quite motivated, calm and in control although dont think I am really but still enjoying life for the mo as much as I can.
thanks for being there for me girls and lets make a meet up more often as you are all so lovely and want to hug and squeeze you all.
perhaps I could try and upload the photo of us all.
i am on face book now and worked out how to do it.
take care my lovelies       

ffh           I am so sorr darling I really am you have been through such alot and i really thought this was going to be your time, we are here for you, i know its hard but we are.  I am so sorry you feel like this i really am.

emma so sorry sweetheart thinking of you too    

jobo - so sorry to hear about dh how terrible we are sometimes!! very worrying though, glad you had a good bday but sorry as ever about your friends with the 2 and 3 I know the feeling thats why we are friends and are here for each other.  you are georg darling by the way and a lovely person.

cinders - so sorry about today your first day back and me not understanding it must have been soon hard - its just not fair and I am so sorry.  it was so fab meeting you we need to do once a month or so and everyone needs to try and come.

pand you are the put together one and I am so honoured to be your friend and just wish we all lived closer it was so nice and am a bit envious that you lot live closer than me!  hope work is ok and glad you enjoyed the wedding take care sweetheart

lainey so sorry you were not feeling so good today, not sure I helped but am here for you  and once again it was lovely to meet you although I did not get to see the car, we really should do it more often it was just so meant to be.  dont mean anyone to feel left out as think we should do once a month or so.  it was just so nice.

missy missing you hope you are ok sweetheart you are so lovely and deserve so much good luck

lyndalou and whippet well done sweethearts - bet you cant believe it, thinking of you    

bubbs hope you are ok

would be great good luck witht he decorating and the persona it worked for my cousin the persona that is !

gayn how are you sweetheart    

honeyprinces and gab where are you   

jo 83 hope you are ok   

sarylou where are you   

tuck thinking of you sweetheart, really am its been tough on you and hope you sort it out.      you are now being cowardly just self preservation its what we have all had to do 

wendeth      replied on the other thread

feeling a bit guilty got my mum on the school run for the next few days but he is happy and they are happy and I am happy!


love to everyone else and sorry if I have missed you out 
   to everyone


----------



## missyb

hi ladies!

just a quickie from me as i really ought to get my stuff ready for work in the am. just to let you know that af arrived yesterday   i was so hopeful this cycle with those lovely follies (how sad am i, i even named them )

im feeling v   and just generally miserable. im sure i'll be back to normal soon.


 to all that need them and    for everyone.



amanda xx


----------



## whippet

Missyb sorry honey you cant help getting your hopes up but thats why we do this because we believe our time will come and it will for you   

whippet x


----------



## bubblicous

morning lovely ladies

hows are you all and hows the weather

its not as hot here as it was yesterday but im hoping its gonna hot up a bit i was sunbathing yesterday lovely relaxing day in the garden with my book

well i have my cd12 dildocam scan this afternoon im really nervous ive had it done before but so nervous that im gonna get there and there be no big follicles
so please send me you positive vibes 
i actually feel really sick today think its dred more than anything
i had some crapming last night so pain is good so fingers crossed they are growing away ready to pop out an egg or 2

will come on later on today let you know how i go


cinders - aww honey wot a horrid first day back i hope it gets better babes i really do 

missy - so sorry the witch turned up blo0dy cow that she is  bring on the nutty pills again eh babes

suzy -  

jo -     i know how u feel were the same dont have much support either from friends and family its so hard sometimes

tuck - ur not a coward i would have done the same honey i really would have      

                to every one


----------



## RLH33

Hi
I am new to FF and wondered if I could dip into your board.  I have been trying for 18mths now for No 2 having conceived ds very easily.  I was on depo provera injection after having him and when I came off it took 6 mths for AF to return and 12 mths for it to become regular with help of Accupuncture.  Once AF was regular we thought it was a matter of just 'trying' for a few months before we got a bfp but Dr suggested having tests just to be sure there wasn't anything wrong.  

I have now had two sets of day 21 tests, one was done too late but she said progesterone was present and at a level indicative of the lateness of the test but had another last month when it said I was not ovulating.  Big shock and my emotions are still very up and down about it.  Having to face the fact that you may not have another child is a big blow even though I have a ds that is the light of my life.  Considering everyone I know of childbearing age has had another in the time I have been trying has been absolutely fine and I truly have not been bothered but a friend told me last week that she was pregnant and it destroyed me.  I was really pleased for her as she has been trying for 3 years but the way she told me was in a pitying way - I know she didn't mean it like that but that is what I heard!!!

Over the last year and a half I have been trying not to let it bother me and have kept busy doing a cake decorating course at college etc - making it really inconvenient to get pregnant!!!  But the test result from the Dr has made it all the more important - I wasn't really THAT bothered about having another right now until she told me there was a problem - now I want one more than ever!!

Spent £30 on opk tests but may take them back as the ones I have used in so far have had results all over the place - plus I have read all sorts of stuff about them on here that is not very inspiring.

However I got the Dr to refer me to Bath Assisted Conception Clinic but their waiting list is 3 months long - so I am going private - appt is next week and am hoping to transfer to NHS for treatment which apparently is allowed.  Can't wait to speak to someone 'qualified' and am thinking of writing a list of questions - just worried that he will say something terrible or send us away to try naturally for another 6 months.

DH is being very supportive, so, surprisingly, is my Mother in law who lost her second child to cot death at 3 mths and then had a miscarriage and was convinced there was something wrong with her which meant she couldn't have any more but went on to have dh and B-i-l so she knows how I feel.  My Mum however asked me yesterday why I was a bit unhappy at the mo - I said what does she expect when I am facing the fact that I may not have more children at all!  I don't think she fully appreciates the emotions you go through as I don't think she had problems as my birthday is a month after their wedding anniversary!!!

The more I try to tell myself, and other people 'helpfully' tell me, to be grateful for what I have the worse I feel, the rational part of the brain says yes, the irrational side says No I want more!

Anyway now that I have got that off my chest, and bored you all ridged (sometimes you just need to let it out) I am going to wipe my tears, pick up ds from pre-school, give him a big hug and pray the consultant next week has good news.  I promise to be more cheerful next time!

RLH


----------



## bubblicous

rlh - welcome to ff its a great wee board here were all here for each other what your going throughis very normal 
i have 2 dd and after ttc no 3 for almost 3 and a half years i plucked up the courage to go to dr dh had already been checked
i was devestated to say the least when my gp told  i wasnt ovulating i couldnt believe it i had never heard of 2ndry infertility (neither had my mum or family)

anyway i got refered to consyultant think i waited about 3 months maybe 4 for appointment at the 1st one the just took loads of history and set up more teste more bloods day 21 and day 5 ones plus and hsg (dye through your uterus to check for blockage etc) and dh had another sa

then after that i wait another 3 months for my next appointment which i had in jan this year and at this appointment i was given clomid (makes you ovulate)

ive been taking that now this is my 4th cycle though didnt work 


fingers crossed for you sweetie i wasnted to let you know your not alone and it sounds like our probs are similar hence why i went into detail about wots happeing with me as i simply dont ovulate on my own either now its so hard and frustrating but ive seen a few people get bfp's on here and on the clomid boards so all hope isnt lost 

hopefully your dr will start you on something like clomid and get u ovulating again 

if you want to chat feel free to pm babes


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## bubblicous

hey everyone

well i had my scan not bad results but i had hoped for a bit better

anyway my linning is 8.1
thers noting on my right ovary
in my left ovary there were 2 follies one was 18mm and the other 10mm

so she said theres every chance i will ovulated over the weekend

got to go for day 21 bloods to check if ov has happened so fingers crossed


----------



## wouldbegreat

Good luck bubbs


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## RLH33

Bubblicous

Thanks for your message, it is nice to know there are other people going through the same thing at the moment.  In some ways life feels really hard to give me one child so easily then say noooo you are now asking too much wanting another.  i keep asking myself questions like - How can you have one child, or two in your case, then your body turns round and says oh dear the ovaries have stopped working - seemingly overnight - it is not as if you get up one morning and your legs have stopped working is it!!  I have had loads of friends who have had to go down the ivf route and worried that this may be the same for me but when I had my first easily I thought I would avoid it all - very foolish obviously - it is a bit scary when your life suddenly starts following a route you had never seriously contemplated!!

Good luck with the ovulation this weekend (your references to 10mm and 18mm mean nothing to me which I am sure is going to change very soon) - my friend is having her 20 week scan next week after getting pregnant on Clomid so there is hope!  She put me onto these messaging site as well having had real big trouble conceiving!

Fingers crossed for you.
RLH


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## jobo5572

Sorry, this will be a bit of a me post . I had my consultants appointment this morning, where I burst into tears within seconds of him walking in the room, and couldn't stop . Even after the consultation was over they had to take me into a side room as I was so hysterical. I feel like a right prat now but still very upset .

Has now been over 2 years since ttc no.2, and still we have been given no reason as to why we haven't conceived. OK, I wasn't ovulating for a while (pretty major obstacle !) but then Clomid kicked in and got my body working again. I've had all the tests/scans going, dildocams, HSG etc. and everything is "normal". OK, I know I should be happy with that but to be honest I wish there was a "problem" so that there was something to fix - "unexplained" is so hard to come to terms with. I hope I'm making sense. The cons did mention that there does seem to be increasing evidence to say that women who've had C sections can find it more difficult to conceive again due to scarring and adhesions - I had to have an emergency C section with DS after 18 hours of horrendous labour ! Can only ascertain whether this is the case by having a laparoscopy but cons doesn't think I should put myself through the trauma of surgery when chances are they won't find anything or if they did they couldn't do much with the scarring.
Anyway, to try and cut a long story short for you, we've been told our only option now is IVF and that the success rate is about 20-25%. Was told there's the possibility we could do IUI but would be dependant on DH's sperm quality & quantity and only has about 10% success. Plus, if there is possibility that there's some damage from the C section, even if they did find something during a lap we could still go for IVF but it would rule out IUI. In any case he thinks any damage would've been caused to the cervix area and not the tubes/uterus etc.

As I was in such a state and with what words I was managing to blubber to him, he has recommended that I see a counsellor first to chat through things as I am not strong enough mentally (in his opinion) to progress with IVF. This made me even worse as I just thought it was yet another few months of nothing happening and just prolonging the agony. Apparently if the counsellor agrees then we can go ahead and tell them to test DH sperm to get the ball rolling for the IVF but the cons is not willing to refer us straight for treatment due to my mental state. I am now kicking myself as I wish I'd held it together this morning and then perhaps we'd have been referred straight away - I just couldn't help myself and all the emotions just came out. I'm sure you understand. What I tried to explain to him was that I am more than aware of the fact that treatment isn't always a success but that I'd feel so much better if we were at least giving it a shot. As it stands for me now, they won't prescribe any more Clomid as its only licensed in this country for a maximum of 12 months, so I have a horrible feeling that once it's out of my system I will stop ovulating again which stands me no chance for ttc naturally whilst we await an appointment. I just feel like months after months go by with no result and all the while I'm getting older (and fertility is going down the pan), DS is getting older, and I'm getting more and more depressed/stressed . I know thinking about it constantly doesn't help either but how the hell do I stop thinking about it ?

So, having cried myself dry today I now just feel completely in limbo and completely worn out. It's all out of my control. I have to wait for a counselling appointment and then to see if they're willing to let me proceed with treatment. The one semi-positive thing is that as we have to pay as we already have one child (seems so unfair), our appointment should come through relatively soon.

Sorry ladies - I've just read this post and I sound pathetic. I'm just so exhausted. I've waited 6 months for this appointment - to the cons and even my DH, they seem to think 6 months is nothing - to me it's a lifetime. I know there's loads of you that have been trying for longer, have other problems to contend with, have been having treatment for ages and have had some very sad stories to tell. I feel guilty as I seem to have not gone through much in comparison and I'm sorry.

I must just say a MASSIVE thankyou to *Pand*, *Cinders * and *Suszy * for your lovely supportive text messages today. I would be in an even darker place without you lot, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.   

Missy - I am so sorry for you hun  

FFH - hope you're OK.

Bubbs - fingers crossed for you 

RLH33 - welcome to the thread. Make sure you get sorted out - don't let them fob you off as my GP did for months on end when I knew I wasn't ovulating. 

Big  to everyone else. Sorry I'm not really with it.


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## tuck

big   to you Jo, I am sorry you are feeling so down.  You had so much resting on this appt today it was bound to be hard and I think you handled yourself fine it was only natural and how the emotion took you at the time, please don't feel stupid or apologise for your post that's what we are all here for.

After my 2nd ectopic I saw the consultant and he didn't sugar the truth about my chances of having a viable pregnancy in the right place (33%) and then turned round and told me the surgery had left me high risk and if i did by some miracle get pg i would need elective caeserian cos womb had been damaged. I like you was in pieces both in his room and at home for the next few days.

I know our problems are completely different but you still have options it sounds but it is so hard being in that limbo land and waiting for the next steps but now you know what he recommends hopefully you will begin to feel stronger about things. The body is a wonderful thing and the more i read about fertility problems the more i seem to learn.  Sometimes things turn around for seemingly no reason and   you may start ovulating again.  How do you feel about the ivf, it may be a good thing to see the counsellor although i understand your anxiety if you want to get things underway. Sorry if i waffled just felt i needed to respond to you and i hope you feel better soon. 

welcome to rlh - i know what you mean about feeling robbed.  i like you have a ds conceived naturally 1st or second try - I feel so punished now for having it 'so easy' 1st time round.  My sis tried for 4 years to have her kids and i felt so guilty when i fell for ds but boy oh boy am i paying for that good luck now!!!!  I am glad you have a supportive dh and m-i-l it makes the world of difference when people 'get it'.  I hope your consultant appt goes ok 

bubbs - fingers crossed for you this month-  follies sound good!

suszy hope you had a lovely time at chester races, perfect weather for it.  Glad you sounding more positive.


missyb - sorry hunny   this wasn't to be your month so bl**y unfair hope you are ok

Ffh - how are you doing hun

cinders  - how are you

Pand   hope ur ok

hi and   to all i missed.

Me feeling a bit peeved, lots of ovulation pain right hand side which is one without tube so thats me out for this cycle   just as well cos got to get past my due date later this month though hopefully will away be on hol in sunny spain 

Love to all

Tuckxx


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## Pand

Oh my goodness, where do I start today. I don't come online for a week and so much happens and so many words are needed to help....well here goes! (In no particular order!)

Tuck - Hun I completely understand how you feel.  I only have one working side as well and I totally get the "what's the point this month" thing and the risk of ectopic as I am in the same position.  I seem to remember tho, that when I caught last year I thought I had ovulated off the wrong side, so it just goes to show, it's always worth giving it a go.  Although I have to say, we didn't bother last month and it was quite nice not to have that run up of "am I aren't I?" up to AF.  Feel free to pm me if you need to chat.

Jo - Aw flower.  I was in your shoes 12 months ago.  Every month I had to wait seemed like an eternity and six months waiting for an appointment is such a long time when you are going through all of this month in month out.  As I said in my text, I'm sure from both my own and others experience that clomid takes a couple of months to leave your system, so you may still stand a chance naturally.  But having been through IVF myself last year, I agree with Mr Watts.  Trust me, you are not in the right place to start tx at the moment.  I'm not sure how to get yourself in the right place, but the emotional side of tx is so tough, I think most people will agree that if you were to go through it right now it would be ten times as hard.  I know you need something to cling onto and I really don't know what to suggest to help you get back on your feet at the moment.  The only things I can think of are relaxation CDs, yoga or acupuncture as well as the counselling.  They won't stop the pain or solve your problems but they may help you find some peace and escape from all the heartache.  I've tried all of them (except for acupunture) and I would seriously recommend giving one of them a go.  The counsellor at the Priory is excellent and I'm sure she will help you get back on track in no time.  I'm just so sorry you are feeling so down, but you're not on your own and we do understand.  We will chat properly tomorrow when I can give you a big hug.

Bub - good news for you hun.  You best get   this weekend!!!!!  Good luck.

RLH - Welcome to the board hun.  You are definitely in the right place!!!  I'm absolutely sure that if you read back over the posts from the last couple of years you would see that most of us have written identical posts at some point.  We completely understand the difficulties of Secondary IF whereas most other people wouldn't have a clue!!! I'm sure you will hear "Well at least you've got one" lots of times as if that means it shouldn't hurt not having any more.  But we are hard wired as women to want children and when you've had one, you have tasted the joy of having your own children and it's like an addiction.  Nothing we can do about it and the pain of facing the possibility of not having any more is quite literally heart breaking.  We have all faced that reality and my heart goes out to you it really does.  Feel free to come and rant whenever you want.  We are here for you.

Missyb - Oh the flipping injustice!!!!!  Why can't it just work for you?  It's just so unfair.  I was really hoping you might make the hat trick with whippet and lyndalou.  Mate you must be gutted.  I'm just so sorry.  I know you're a strong girl, you've dealt with so much this year and I know that you will pick yourself up, but I just wish it wasn't so hard for you.  PM or text if you want to chat.  Sending you lots of  

Susie - Hello my lovely friend!!!!  I think you are so right.  You do have to go completely mad just find sanity again don't you.  I really loved meeting up with you guys and just felt the most normal I have felt for such a long time, not being the only one to have the problems in a group of friends.  I wish we all lived closer too.  Perhaps we ought to start up some crazy secondary IF commune and all live together with our "only children"  and we would all be so much happier!  Glad you are sounding so centred at the moment.  You have really been through the mill and deserve some peace however you find it.  Love and hugs.

Cinders - You have been such a brave girl.  You are at the lowest point of your life right now and coping so well (despite what you may think).  That was one flippin awful day you went through but chalk it up flower and move on.  Don't whatever you do look back.  A bit like climbing a mountain.  If you look down you will fall.  Just keep plodding forward one step at a time. It will get easier eventually I promise.  Just don't expect too much of yourself (I did!) and be kind to yourself.  Love and hugs to you too.

FFH - I'm absolutely gutted for you.  To have to go through IUI so many times and it not work must be a huge blow.  I really am sorry flower.  Will you go for it again or will you up the anty?  Here for you whatever you decide.  

Emma - so sorry it didn't work for you this month too. That monthly rollercoaster is a nightmare and so draining.  It's so hard to keep picking yourself up and trying again.  Keep up the faith hun and keep battling.  By the law of averages it has to work sometime doesn't it?

Lainey-lou - Hi chick!!!  How are you feeling now?  June will be here before we know it!!  Kind of excited and scared all at the same time about your tx.  Will be so good for you to finally get cracking and doing something after so many months of being stuck in limbo.  I wish I hadn't rushed into IVF after my mc and in some ways I think it's good you have had to wait.  Your body will be ready and emotionally you will be in a much better place to cope with it all. Will be there on the rollercoaster with you!

Lyndalou and Whippet - I remember the terror of the early days of pregnancy so clearly. I hope you are both keeping really well and that everything is progressing nicely for both of you.  Keeping everything crossed.

Hi to everyone else (hope I haven't missed too many!).  I'm worn out with personals now!

As for me, I've had a pretty good week.  Going to be teaching Year 5 with my gorgeous deputy head from September so I'm pretty happy!  Monday was tough as a good friend came round and announced she was thirteen weeks.  I'm really pleased for her as they have been trying for about 16 months now (No 2), and I told her I was fine with it etc etc, then cried for an hour after she had gone.  Whilst I think I have accepted that we won't ever have any more children and most of the time I'm ok with it, reminders like that still hurt like hell.  I just think "Why will it never be me?"  But I really do believe this is it for us and it's ok really.  It does really hurt sometimes, and I'm sure it will be some years before that goes away, but me, dh and ds are fab together.  We have a great life and I wouldn't swap it for the world.  It's been a really difficult and painful journey, but I think I am at the end of my road.  Will we contine to "try" if we can be bothered every now and then, but we aren't expecting anything to happen.  If it does it will be a bonus.  People keep telling me how brave I am.  I'm not.  Just worn out!! I don't have the strength to keep fighting any more and I've had so many knocks it's just knocked the hope out of me!!  My counsellor suggested just enjoying and finding my new normal, so that's what I'm doing.  My ds is fantastic and I love him to bits and I'm going to spend the rest of my life spoiling him rotten.  So there we go.  Not given up completely but right at the end of my IF path.  So I'm proof that you can come out the other side of this (scarred granted) but happy and more at peace, even if you don't ever achieve your goal.  It can happen girls.  

Lots of love
Pand


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## lainey-lou

oh pand, what a special lady you are.  Your post made me cry.  All your comments are so eloquently put and beautifully written.  Your ds is a very lucky little boy, he has a wonderful,caring and devoted mother who has gone to hell and back to give him a sibling.  He is such a lovely little boy, who seems very caring and he deserves all the love you have for him.  For what it's worth, I think you are brave.  The decision to stop trying is one I would like to make but don't have the strength to.  Love ya x

Jo - I am so sorry you are so low.  We all understand your pain and frustration.  Why us?  Others seem to have it so easy, it's not fair.  I think your cons is right though, you are not in the right place for tx at the moment, I know it is not what you want to hear, when ttc a month can feel like an eternity and all we seem to do is wait, but I have just come through an imposed six month wait and it actually went really quickly.  When I was told I had to wait it seemed like a life sentence but I have come out the other side and it probably did me good to wait cos my head was all over the place (still is really).  Have some counselling and you will feel better prepared for the old rollercoaster.  Sending to a virtual hug x

rlh - you are SO in the right place!  I read your message and spent the whole time nodding, I could have written it myself.  Please post more, it is very therapeutic and cathartic.  Welcome.

Missy - I am so sorry it wasn't your turn this month.  I really thought it might be.  Keep going, you are ovulating now so the first hurdle is over.  This could still work for you, maybe this month.  You are so strong and brave and have had a tough year, don't give up hope.

cinders - aw lovie, I really feel for you.  If it helps I have thought the most awful things about my friends out of jealousy.  I prayed one would have a boy because she had two already and really wanted a girl.  I cried for hours when she had a girl, why should she have everything?  How bitter and twisted do you want?  Don't beat yourself up about it, you have been through the most awful ordeal.  If you were jealous of a friends new car then I would be less sympathetic, but this is the most nAtural urge, to procreate, and to be denied it is torturous because there is nothing we can do about it.  I love ya, even if you are bitter and twisted.  I still have visions of me as a kind of miss haversham, growing old in a lonely dusty old house, alone and bitter, pawing over unworn baby clothes.  Feel free to join me ;-)

Susie - you sound so together.  I am glad you are enjoying life at the moment.  I am very excited that we might be cycle buddies 

Bubbs - I hope dh is exhausted and you are having lots of bms.

WBG - I hope dh is getting a bit of a rest this month.  How's the ovulation predicting going?

Ffh - how are you?  Hope you are ok.  Thinking of you.

Ec - long time no hear!  How are you?

Whippet/lyndalou - hey pregnant ladies!  How are you?

Tuck - sorry you are having a hard time too.  Families sometimes just don't understand.  My mil keeps telling me about a super fertile woman who lives near her who now has five kids under 5.  It seems like every time I go there she tells me this woman is of again.  And this helps me how?  I too have lost friends through IF but I have decided they weren't true friends anyway so I am well rid!  Chin up Hun, we understand x

Will have to post now, I am typing this in the car on my iphone so don't want to lose it cos it has taken ages.  Sorry for any typos!

Love to all

Lainey x


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## lainey-lou

forgot to say to Tuck, my cons told me I could technically get pg every month even if one of my tubes was blocked.  He said the other tube can pick up the egg.  Don't know if you have two ovaries though so his post may be pointless but if you do have two ovaries but one tube it is still possible to get pg when ovulating from the wrong side.

Also forgot to say hi to emma.  Hope you are ok after your bfn x

lainey x


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi all

Sorry I haven’t been very chatty this week, I’ve been trying to get my head around things.  But it does feel like coming  home when I come on here which is a great comfort.

Jo – I completely understand where you are coming from on the unexplained thing – we’re unexplained too, and like you I’ve often wished I’d got something to pin it all onto. Being unexplained means that the problems are more subtle and more difficult to pinpoint, which from my point of view means that it’s surely harder to treat? Having said that I know that we all struggle with our diagnosis for some reason or other, with IF I guess there is no good diagnosis!!! I think our positions are very similar actually, I had a C Section with my dd too who was conceived extremely easily. It’s interesting what you’re consultant said about that. Are you at the Priory?  If so who did you see? Please pm me if you want to have a chat about things. How’s your DH? Hope he’s better, sounds really nasty.

Pand – Thanks for your mammoth post.  I’m glad you’re staying strong, and you’re being a strength to everyone on here too. Sounds like you’re starting to enjoy your job again too, that’s something I really need to do – get a job and try and enjoy it!!!

Tuck – How are you doing? I forgot to say earlier, I don’t blame you for taking the day off. Self preservation is key, it is not cowardly.

Bubbs – Hope you’re getting lots of   this weekend!!! Sounds like you should definitely get at least one egg this time – maybe even two?!! Really hope it works this time.

RLH – Welcome to the thread, like Pand says, we’ve all written similar things on here before.  Secondary infertility is painful, and isn’t something to be dismissed.  I hope you can find some comfort and inspiration from chatting on here.

Lainey – Do you start treatment soon hun?  I’m glad that you’re seeing the waiting period as something positive now.  I know it’s been awful for you, but at least if you’ve been able to recover a little mentally and physically then it’s been worth it. 

Emilycaitlin – thinking of you starting treatment too.  Thanks for thinking of me.

Suszy – How are you? Hope you’ve been doing your Reiki and Meditation!

Missyb – Hope this month is your month hun, triplets for us both just wasn’t meant to be!!

Wouldbegreat – How are you?

Emma – Hope you’re getting over the disappointment of the Witch arriving. The constant knicker checking really does get to our heads doesn’t it!

Cinders – How are you? I hope you’re starting to feel stronger. I don’t know about you but I’ve found the sunshine helps me feel a bit more positive about life. Thinking of you still.

Anyone I’ve forgotten – Hi

Me – Me and DH had a long chat on Thurs night, which was the first night I felt able to talk about things after AF arriving. Although the bfn was awful, it was kind of expected and in some ways wasn’t as bad as the 2nd one which was when I’d kind of decided that the iui was unlikely to get me a bfp! The main issue for us is that we’re religious and feel uncomfortable going on to ivf because of the amount of human intervention involved. So we’ve had to say no to that – which kind of leaves us at the end of the road I think. We did agree that we’d see the consultant again and just check whether he felt there were any other avenues we could pursue such as a Laparoscopy or further tests of any sort. I’m not holding out much hope as last time we saw him he pretty much wanted to whisk us straight onto ivf. However for me the C section is the thing that I keep blaming for our problems so I do really want to explore that side of things. Does anyone know if a lap can do anything for C Section scarring? I would appreciate some feedback on this please. 

Love you all 

Faithful x


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## wouldbegreat

Hi Everybody 
I am doing fine just finished this weekend painting every room in the house   it does look nice now  

My fertility monitor is great its still on low so thats good took alot of pressure of us this month best thing i did it should start to go high about thurs  

Sorry no personals can't keep up as not had much time a good thing i suppose   enjoying the beutiful weather  

love to you all


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## bubblicous

afternoon ladies

well im offically on 2ww marathon bms over i have to say for the first cycle i actually was sick of sex by last night and i was like just get it over with (tmi i know)
been feeling very down was sitting in tears last night couldnt sleep at all just keep thinking how im failing dh by not giving him a bio baby and constantly wondering how much longer he'll wait and put up with me before going elsewhere to someone who can do it no probs


sorry for the lack of personals i feel utterly crap today xx


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## wouldbegreat

Ah bubbs im so sorry to hear you are feeling so down   don't forget the clomid can send you all over the place   Im sure dh loves you whatever happens   Good luck on your 2ww i know its hard but you will get thier try and be positive                 
Ps where is the blonde hair lol


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## bubblicous

wouldbegreat - thanks hunni thats so nice of u to say that i know he probably does but sometimes i begin to wonder how much one man can take

i went brunette a few weeks ago i hated it at first but kinda like it now im normally a blonde thought id try look a bit more intelligent


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## missyb

hi ladies


just a quickie from me.

bubs i have pm'd you. i feel exactly the same and think that the evil clomid is to blame for how we both are feeling. 

hi to the golden girls... hope you are all ok and enjoying the good weather. jobo    how are you feeling now? 

i just wanted to say that im going to take a backseat for a bit. i think ive been getting too obsessed and with the way that ive been feeling at the moment, thats not a good thing. i have spent most of the weekend in   and im sure the clomid is to blame. i will still be popping on here because i love my ff's and i want to see them getting the bfp's that they so deserve.

i just think i need to preserve the little sanity i have left!


love to all and sorry for the me post.


amanda xx


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## wouldbegreat

Amanda you need some me time thats what i am going to do go swimming and use the sauna and Jacuzzi every week take care honey we are always thinking about you when you are not around so much but i do understand your need for some time out  

Enjoy the nice weather while its around


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## jobo5572

Hello again ladies.  How are you all ?

Pand - what can I say ?  You're an absolute star.  Your post was brilliant and so eloquently put - not a jibbering rambling mess like mine tend to be.  Thank you soooooooooooo much for meeting me & DS on Sunday.  It helped so much to talk to you.  Your DS is absolutely gorgeous and a credit to you.  Your DH seems like a lovely chap - I hope his throat is better.  I'd be lost without you  .  Sorry for being so miserable - I didn't used to be like this and I hate what IF has done to me and how it's made me become.  Loads of love to you           .  

Tuck - thanks for your kind words.  I really don't know what to do for the best, though I just feel that everything is out of my hands and out of my control.  Even if we'd been booked straight in for tx as opposed to seeing the counsellor first, I know there'd be a delay.  I just can't rationalise anything any more and can't bear this waiting month after month and feeling so sad and upset.  I just want to get tx underway and whilst I know the chances of success are dreadfully low, I'd at least feel like we were trying.  I just wish I could stop crying.  I feel so pathetic when I see what others on here have been through.  Love to you   

Lainey-lou - thanks for the virtual hug.  I think a lot of people have lost friends through the whole IF journey.  I have certainly found out who my true friends are throughout all of this, and whilst none of them have been through anything remotely similar, they do try.  I remember one so-called friend saying to me after her 20 week scan of her 2nd (conceived in time of me ttc), when I asked if she knew what it was, "oh yeah, it's a another boy" followed by a big sigh of disappointment. My response was "is it healthy ?".  ***** !!!!  She proceeded to carry on telling me all about how dreadful she felt during pregnancy (like I needed to know) and "oh, you know how hard it is when you're PG and you have a toddler to deal with too" - er, NO.  This is the "friend" who, knowing full well what i was going through, announced her PG by text to me, insensitive cow.  Anyway, you've got proper friends here on FF !  Love to you  

FFH - I hope you're coping OK  .  My consultant was Mr Watts at WRH and he's referred us to the Priory for the counselling and hopefully tx if they think I'm mentally stable, so I'm going to have to put on a very good act.  Mr Watts didn't seem overly positive about a lap being able to do anything about C section scarring - so much so that he indicated that we may as well go straight for IVF and not even bother with IUI in case the scarring is the problem.  He did say that althouhg my HSG was clear that scarring could be preventing the tubes working properly.   I'm still confused as to where the scarring could be and/or what it's actually doing to me inside.  For example, is there any point going for IVF ?  Who knows ?  I just don't know.

Bubbs - don't beat yourself up hun - it's not your fault.  

Missy - I totally understand your obsession with it all - I have the same "problem" and it is ruining my life, marriage etc.  I just can't think about anything else and I just hope my desperate desire for another child has not had a negative effect on my DS.  If you feel taking a backseat is good for you, then you go for it.  Lots of love  

Cinders & Suszy - hello lovelies, are you OK ?

As for me, well, I just wish I could drag myself out of this dark pit I have fallen in to. Since my appointment on Friday I just seem to have cried     .  I have AF crampy pains and the usual monthly zit on my chin so I know AF is on her way in the next few days and I am yet again distraught  .  I don't know why I even get my hopes up every month - I am a stupid cow.  The first thing I did when I walked into work today was cry too.  I haven't long started a new job and I think the boss thought "oh god I've hired a fruitcake".  I can't rationalise anything any more and I am just so desperate for another baby and a sibling for my DS.  I just feel so lost and deeply sad and depressed.  I have refused anti-depressants from the GP on many an occasion as I wanted to be drug-free for ttc (huh, that's a joke) but I'm wondering if that's where I'm going to have to go next.  I really don't want to as I was on them for long enough with PND and at the end of the day they don't make the problem go away anyway.  Anyway, I mustn't moan on to you guys any more and I apologise for being a thoroughly miserable cow.

I really do wish all the love and hope and best wishes to all of you.  I can't imagine where I'd be without you.


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## faithfullyhoping

Jobo - didn't want to read and run.  I'm so sorry that you're feeling so awful at the moment, i know how it feels to not be able to think of anything else, I think we all go there at some point. Have you thought about counselling or an alternative therapy. I've been doing acupuncture for over a year now and although it hasn't got me pregnant it has helped me deal with things. My acupuncturist is also a psychotherapist so he sorts me out from all angles!! I really think you need to try something because you're in a catch 22 position at the moment, I think you'll benefit straight away, even making an appointment with someone will help you feel as though you're doing something positive.  

faithful x


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## RLH33

Hiya

Everyone - thanks for all your lovely posts you have been so welcoming.

Pand - the way you describe motherhood as an addiction is so very true - I think I may have to add that as my strapline!!!  I am sorry to hear you are giving up due to the trauma of it all but I know what you mean about being brave - sometimes it is not about bravery but survival - I have heard so many stories about people who give up then miraculously find themselves pregnant so you never know - it is a lot about getting life and IF into perspective.

jobo - I agree with faithfullyhoping - doing something like Accupuncture may be helpful to you.  I have been going for about 3 months now and she has really helped me to regulate my AF but it has also helped me to feel that I am doing something rather than sitting around worrying about it.  It also helps to speak to someone else who is uninvolved and have an hour to relax away from the stress of everyday life.

I am still learning on this posting lark so bear with me as I can't remember everyone at the mo!!

I have cheered up over the last couple of days, the nice weather at the weekend has helped loads!!  Our consultant appt is on Thursday which I am really looking forward to now having spoken to a friend last night who explained to me what happened at her first appointment so there is less mystery - she was put on Clomid immediately so maybe treatment may be quick to follow!  We do have an offer of going away to North Cornwall for the weekend which we think we will now do to give our minds something else to think about - plus my s-i-l is coming with my 8 mth old niece who screams all the time so it may make me value what I have got more and think twice about having another!!!!  Only trouble is the weather is supposed to turn rainy - typical!!

RLH


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies  Loads of you lovely ladies feeling really  down at the moment. Think a few of these is needed   
                         
                          

Scan tommorow! Terrified there will be nothing there. Still getting pains on and off. Look like i am 5 months pregnant at moment
think my ovaries might be swollen.

Much love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi evryone am so sorry i havnt been on here for a while, i passed my driving test so have been out in my car getting lost i only went to a local shop yeterady and ended up getting lost in a completley diffrent area lol never mind.
i will be back later or tomorrow with personals, just wanted to let you all know that i am still thinking about you 
xxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Lyndalou honey i can imagine you are scared but I'm sure all will be fine good luck  

Emma congratulations on passing your driving test thats great news  

As for me im cd15 and still low on the fertility monitor so this confirms that i don't ov till at least cd20 or cd22 i should see a high day soon   i will be glad when i see a change as   i do actually ovulate im 99% sure i do as i have bad ov pain each month  

Dh has been refured to the fertility clinic for a sperm test   as doctors don't do them anymore  

Have a great day all


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Lyndalou - Hope scan goes well tomorrow, I'm sure it will and you'll have lots of pleasure from seeing your little bubba  

Emma -         Well done you for passing your driving test, i'm sure you'll get to know your way around soon!!! Although I always get lost when I have to drive into Birmingham, thank goodness for Sat nav is all I can say. 


Wouldbegreat -  Hope DH's sperm test is Ok and you get some positive news and that you ovulate soon. I was just thinking that I ought to start doing those again as I'm not sure I ovulate on my own every month!

Me - Feeling a bit down at the moment, I thought I'd be able to just get on with life after I'd finished iui treatment, but it's not that easy is it!  Left message on consultants phone to make appointment for consultation so think I will feel better when I've got that booked.  Have been thinking this morning that if it was up to me I'd probably do ivf, but think DH is pretty dead set against it. It's just so hard to accept    that I probably won't have another one.


----------



## bubblicous

emma - congrats babes i knew how much it meant to you sweetie xxxxxxxxxx

ffh -      

wbg - fingers crossed for ov soon babes 

me well im cd 17 today ive to go for day 21 bloods but that falls on sunday so do i go friday which would be day 19 or do i go on mondat which would be day 22

im really tired today just collected youngest from nursery to be greeted by a woman standing handing out breastfeeding leaflets trying to get me to talk to her about the new support group starting up in the area 
yeah im all for breast feeding support groups as there were none near here but im my state at the mo it was the last thing i wanted to talk about 
ooo well ciest la vie


----------



## lainey-lou

Just a quicky...

Wanted to come on here to say   to Lyndalou for the scan tomorrow.  I will be   for you xx

FFH -    I know how you feel.  It is sooo hard to accept that we might not have another.  Life is unfair and we don't deserve this.  Sending you lots of love and understanding.

Bubbs -    Sorry you are feeling rubbish too.  Having things like that shoved in your face are hard to bear sometimes. x

WBG - good luck with the    test.  Go spermies, go spermies!

Missy - sad that you will be posting less but understand.  Love ya x

Jo - sorry you are feeling so sad still.  We all have times when we feel rubbish, I seem to feel like that a lot of the time at the moment.  Sometimes I feel fine about life with one child, other times I feel this sense of panic and frustration at the thought of it never happening.  Be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up, you sound like you are giving yourself a hard time.  x

Cinders - how are you sweetie?  You've gone all quiet  

Pand - thanks for your morale boosting texts.  You always make me feel better when I feel pants.  Love ya too x

Susie - hope the Reiki and meditation is going well  

Hi to everyone else.

Me - feel crappy and negative.  This is becoming an almost permanent state for me now.  I am convinced IVF won't work but am also terrified of trying to adopt in case they turn me down (I am on anti-depressants).  Just feel like whatever I decide to do I am going to have a struggle on my hands.  Feel like giving up  

Love to everyone

OOH!  forgot to say   to Emma for passing your driving test.  What a clever girl you are.  I am sure I couldn't pass one now!

Lainey x


----------



## tuck

Hi Ladies, 

Thanks for your kind comments you always make me feel so much better   lainey lou, yes I do have 2 healthy ovaries thank goodness - just fearful of getting pg from tubeless side as that is how my 2nd ep happened.  Just 5 days to when my 2nd ectopic baby would be due, hopefully once get past this date can begin the next part of this horrible journey wherever it may take me.  I think the stress has messed up my cycle cos despite pains i still don't think i've ovulated (been 4 weeks since last af) wonder if /when it will happen.  How can i think about ttc when i don't even know whats going on with my cycle?  
On a more positive note we are off on hols next week.  I have had a huge phobia of flying for last 10 years but now after the year i had last year i am going to try to get past it and fly off somewhere warm.  For me this will be a huge undertaking but i figure i've faced so much worse, and faced fears so much bigger than flying so lets go.  Looking forward to having  relaxing time the 3 of us and dh really needs  a hol too after his job change.



Pand, empathise about the 13 week announcement - so hard    i'm glad however that you seem to be adapting to your 'new normal' for now and who knows whats around the corner.  Glad things going well at work.  Got some advice from a fellow teacher to postpone my teacher training until the year after ds starts school as may be a bit much for him starting school and me training full time in a new career at the same time  - wots ur opinion.

ffh   i'm sorry i don't know much about your query re. csection scarring and laps.  All i do know (after having 2, laps that is ) is that they are a minimally invasive way of having a 'good look around' they can see most of what is going on with the tubes, outside of uterus and of course ovaries.  whAt is recommended?  If they did go in and find some scarring they could most probably laser if off but the lap itself can also cause scarring and adhesions... 


wouldbegreat - impressed re. painting your house.  I'm still spring cleaning - only on room 4 - its only taken me 6 weeks!

Jo - how are you feeling today honey, I hope you are feeling a bit better keep posting hun its good to get it off ur chest.


rlh - how you doing?

Lyndalou - sorry you feeling so down but I can understand.  Here   and wishing you all the best for your scan tomorrow.

emma - you clever thing, sure I'd fail if i was re-tested and don't worry i still get lost now after 15 years of driving!!

Bubbs - sorry re. leafleter just what you needed -not -  isn't it always the way  !

lainey lou - thanks for your comments .    Sorry your feeling so low, i am the master of negative thinking which is not good.  Good luck for when you start the ivf.  btw I also read somewhere that they don't turn people down for being on anti depressants in the adoption process.  

hi to Susie, how are you doing, must be one of your susie special posts coming on soon.  Still hoping to see the pic of 2ndary meet.

cinders -   i hope you are aswell as can be expected at the mo, love to you.

missy sorry you had a tough weekend.  Sometimes good to take a backseat or time off for a bit and come back feeling fresher.  will miss your posts but completely understand, nasty stuff that clomid from what i've heard from you guys.

Take care all

Tuckxxx


----------



## bubblicous

well now me im having a funny old day today feel so slugish and i just cannot be bothered with anything i sat last night making up gift bags and guest books (for customers) whilst watching the fottie and i felt fine but today im so    just dont know wots wrong today 
ive washed my hair and straightened it all to make me feel better but it aint worked and to make matters worse im working tonight  

also went to collect oldest from school and the teacher gave it i believe congratulations are in order i was like     my eldests dd had told her whole class today that i was going to have a baby so i had to say no not the now to the teacher and walk off thinking wot the hell im getting it from all angles the now
though could it be a sign i doubt it


----------



## Pand

Oh pooh!! Just wrote a really long post with loads of personals then lost it!!!!!  Aghhhhh!

Will just have to do a quickie now and catch up properly at the weekend.

Lyndalou - really came on to see how you got on today. Have kept everything crossed for you.  Please let us know how you are or I will worry!

Tuck - I did a flexible PGCE (sort of part time over a longer period) which might fit your circs better than a full time PGCE. It is VERY demanding and think your friend's advice is very sensible.  But look into a part time option first!

Golden girls - love you all.  Think about you all loads.

Jo - Really worried about you.  You are a lovely person and great company. NOt a miserable cow!! Stop beating yourself up.  My GP talked about some anti-depressants that were ok during pregnancy and ttc so it might be worth asking about those.  Or an alternative approach, homeopathy, acupuncture may help.  You need to do something as you are so low.  Text me if you need me hun.

Hi to everyone else. Going to post quickly cos I'm scared I'll lose this one then I really will lose my temper!

Lots of love

Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Ladies  Had scan today. didnt go too well. They saw a gestation sac and a yolk but no fetal bone. Going to scan again
              on Monday but not looking to good. They can usually pick up a heart beat at this stage so I think its all over.
              Feel like my heart is been ripped away. Cant stop


----------



## whippet

Lyndalou   things will be better on monday. Wish I could say something to make it better for you honey but you know am here fro you anytime you want to talk. Hang in there  

whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

Lyndalou  

I don't know what to say hun, you know where we are if you need a good chat.

Stay positive for Monday   

Hang in there hun 

Jo
xxx


----------



## tuck

Lyndalou

I'm sorry you didn't have a more reassuring scan sweetheart.  Here's hoping that it is just way too early and   that you can see a little more on Monday.

With love and  

Tuckxx


----------



## Pand

Oh Lyndalou,

My heart just aches for you.  I'm not surprised you feel like your heart's been ripped away.  I so wish it had been more positive.  You have come such a long way to get here, this is just all so unfair.  As some of the others hhave said I'm just hoping and   that for some reason the dates are slightly out and that it's just a little too early.  How many weeks are you exactly?  I thought you were only about 6 weeks... if that is the case then when Cinders went through the same thing she posted on Peer Support and got lots of positive stories from people who had had similar results at early scans and it helped her a lot.  Why don't you take a look or post yourself?  I know the next few days are going to seem like an eternity, so just remember we are all here for you. So sorry about today hun.

Lots of love

Pand


----------



## jobo5572

Lyndalou - so sorry to hear about your scan today.   it's just 'cos it's a little too soon, and I have everything crossed for you for Monday       .  Big  

Pand - hello my love.  Thanks so much for your texts - they really help, and those last few made me laugh.  Deep down I know I need to sort myself out.  If I ever get a minute to myself I'll go to the docs and see about happy pills.  I always come bottom of a very long to-do list and always put others first - always have, always will.  Was given a rollocking for that at PND counselling but seem to have slipped right back into my old ways, tut tut  .  Will also look into homeopathy/acupuncture/relaxation CDs etc. when I get my act together, though I expect in relation to that there's more chance of hell freezing over !  I'm always being told I should relax more by DH but he's soooo relaxed that he's almost permanently horizontal and lifeless - especially at the right time of the month    .  Love you loads and look forward to seeing you soon.      

Tuck - thanks for your kind words.  I'm OK.  Not crying as much as I was last Friday and the next few days but something seems to set me off every day at the moment.  Had a friend who's just had no.3 text me and asked if I'd go and get her some Pampers no.1 size nappies for her baby earlier - started me off again.  I am supposed to be doing that in the morning before going to see her (and the baby of course) and I'm already upset about having to go and buy nappies when they're not for me - well you know what I mean - I don't personally need nappies   but it would be nice to have a baby to buy nappies for.  Hope you have a lovely holiday.  You're very brave facing your fears and flying - good for you.  

Bubbs - sorry about the (.)(.)feeding leaflet and DD announcing to all you were having a baby .  Has your DD got a sixth sense perhaps    .  In our situation doesn't it always seem that baby stuff is in your face ?  I seem to be a baby/PG woman magnet !!!  

Missy - will miss your posts but understand where you're coming from.  Thanks for your lovely texts.  We'll get out of the black hole together somehow my love    

Laineylou - don't give up.  You're doing a grand job so far.    

Emma -    for passing your test.  Well done !

FFH - I can't even begin to think about not having another though I know in reality I need to at some point.  I just can't bear it right now.  Thanks for your kind words to me.  I hope you and DH can come to an agreement on whether to go for IVF or not.   

Cinders - are you OK hun ?  Haven't heard from you for a bit.  I hope you're OK.     

Suszy - how're you doing ?  Big  

Me ?  Well I'm expecting AF at any moment, the bl00dy ***** (excuse the pun).  Why won't she just go away and leave us all alone ?  I've had a [email protected] week and am still very upset following last weeks appointment but know that I have to drag myself out of this hole and carry on.  I don't want to be a misery to people, especially not my DS.  Me & DH are arguing all the ruddy time as he's very selfish and very lazy and quite frankly right now I could do without someone like that.  I need someone to support me, not to just sit around on their backside.  It's got to the stage where I can't quite work out whether the marriage has ended or whether the IF and ttc has just gotten in the way and made everything so dreadful.  Anyway, I will love you and leave you for now.  Big   to all of you and thanks again for your messages.  I really don't know where I'd be without you.


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls just wrote a long reply personals etc and then lost it a bit like pand
probably just as well as was not the most positive one I have ever written and am so gutted for lyndalou i have all my fingers and toes crossed       i really do I was crying my eyes out reading it all.
its just so unfair and i just cannot believe how many bfps we have had and then lost them

sorry not been around that much been escaping but not even that really works, suddenly realised how alone i felt yest am and how much i still want another baby even though i am 44 and having issues with my dh.

sorry hope you dont mind but will just turn this into a me post even though i wrote such a long one for you all and am so there for you all and do understand where you are all coming from we have al been there and we are all at diff stages - we have all been there and got the t shirt we are just at diff places and its so hard but at least we have each other and just wish we lived closer or perhaps we just need to put a weekly /monthly meet in.  
is any one up for meeting up over half term

i have had my fsh levels done again and they are 6 pretty good considering they were 5.2 in 05 and my lh 4.5 dont really understand them but its so hard as a lot of you know to have ok levels and the sperm be ok but it still not work

we had a joint counselling sess today and the conclusion we have communication difficulties!!! dh has agreed to see relate but not sure its too late for that the damage has so been done i think or is the answer like every night dh in one room and me in another -we have talked about down sizing, perhaps i should get of my **** and get ajob - i just dont know anymore.
I am sorry not to list you all again but it does not mean i am not thinking of you and am sorry let you down tuck it was there and then the comp crashed.  wish i was till that chilled sorted person but am probably more messed up now than i have ever been.
wish i was as confident as you pand and so glad you are where you are
love to everyone else i am too tired to list and sorry if this is negative just feeling a bit ****** off with life for myself and for all of us
we really deserve some good news
i am also feeling pretty lonely and quite emotional sorry i know the whole world can read this but its how i feel.
have been doing stuff would not usually do and its not helped but i just dont know what the answer is anymore.
take care my lovelies
susie


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi  All

I just lost a post too, it must be something in the air!!!    I’m writing it in word now and am going to cut and paste – a tip from one of my ff friends on another thread.

Lyndalou – I’m really hoping like everyone else that you’ll get some good news on Monday. I couldn’t believe it when I read your post, I really thought it would all be fine for you, hope it still is and that it was just too early to see properly.  

Susie – I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely and sad at the moment. IF takes such a lot out of your relationship without you realising it really. Me and DH need to have a good chat about this, I think it takes all of the fun out of your life and makes you too serious about everything. I am a great believer that you need to work at a relationship though and that if you’re both prepared to do that then you should be able to get back perhaps not to where you started but somewhere near it.  Sending you lots of hugs, hope you have a good weekend.  

Lainey – The thought of treatment is scarier than when you’re doing it I think. I hope you can feel more positive about things soon – I know it’s hard though.

Bubbs – What did you say to your DD? What a nightmare, maybe it’s a sign though?!!!

Pand – you’re doing so well and being so strong, keep it up – and send me some of whatever you’re on at the mo!!!

Tuck – Have a great holiday – where are you going? I hope it takes your mind off things, especially what would have been your due date. Thanks for your feedback about the lap.  I’m not sure what’s recommended I need to see consultant again first – I think he’ll probably just recommend ivf.

Jobo- you really must take action, it’s no good just saying that you’re going to do something, you have to decide what you’re going to do and then do it.  Consider yourself told – put yourself first for once!!!

Whippet – Hope you’re doing ok and not too worked up about scan.

Hi to everyone else.

I tried to phone consultant on Wednesday but had to leave a message about getting an appointment with him. Not sure whether to try him again or not, I hate phoning people!!! Perhaps I’ll email him instead! I’m really scared that I’m going to see him and he’ll say that there’s nothing more that’s worth doing other than ivf – I think that this is what he will most likely say, I know he’s not a miracle worker!!!  Anyway, have a good weekend everyone.

Faithful x


----------



## bubblicous

lyndalou -   perhaps it was just a tad to soon goodluck for monday some weekend your gonna have i have everything crossed for you 

ffh - i told dd i wasnt having a bub and she wasnt to tell people that and when i am having a bub she'll be one of the 1st to know kids eh goodluck with getting a hold of your cons i hate phoning peps too i always get in a muddle 

suzy -      so sorry u feel so lonely babes as for the job part dont do it if you dont want to why add more stress onto yourself

jo - hope af doesn appear   

pand -  

tuck - have a fab holiday babes going anywhere nice  


as for me well im cd 19 its actually going quickly (shouldnt say that as now it will drag in ) i decided to go for my bloods on monday which will be cd 22 so that to look forward to 
last 2 cycles have been wee 25 day ones normal is 28 so god knows when af will turn up
i get wee burts of feeling great then next minute im down in the dumps again flaming yoyo thats me

i fell down the stairs yesterday evening badly hurt my ankle dh was yelling at me for being so daft and running down the stairs hes right but then he straped it all up for me
this morning we had a look at it before he went to work when he was starpingh it up again and omg i have the biggest bruise ive ever seen but heho could have been worse i could have broke it but i didnt 

so on the whole im having an on off day got a sore ankle and raging hormones woohooo


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - hormonal with a sore ankle - poor you    I guess you were fortunate you only hurt your ankle though.  Hope this is your month.  I meant to say that I thought that going on day 22 would be better than 19 as you're more likely to have ovulated then. Hope your weekend gets better


----------



## jobo5572

Yet again the old bag  turned up this morning - 2 days late - just to get my hopes up over nothing  .  You know when you know you're not PG but then every month there's that niggling in your head saying "I might be, I might be" - well stupidly I fell for that again this month.  I don't know why I do it to myself.  I've had cramps all week and the monthly chin spot but as I was 2 days "late" there was ever such a faint glimmer of hope - in my jelly-filled head.  So, lots more   today but have to pull myself together.

Lyndalou - still thinking of you    

Suszy - so so sorry you're so down hun  .  Am with you on the DH trouble - but mine isn't interested in trying to resolve it as he doesn't think there's a problem and he thinks he's the bees knees and doesn't do anything wrong - I hope you can get to a position where you sort it out with him.  Loneliness is a dreadful feeling - you must let us know when you are so down.  I agree about the meeting up - it gives you that lift somehow doesn't it ?  Friday of half term is the only day I can do, or Thursday at a push. Look after yourself   

FFH - point taken - I know I need to sort myself out !  I will find the time, honestly I will !

Bubbs - hope your ankle gets better soon.  Perhaps you could get some time off work   ?  As for your raging hormones....don't you just love Clomid ?  Can't say I miss the way it made me feel but I do feel pretty desperate without it, even though it seemed that I still ovulated the month after finishing it.  Still a big fat BFN though for me  .

For those of you who keep losing posts, before you actually post it, highlight the whole post then right click on your mouse and click "copy".  Then post - if you think you've lost it, start a new one, right click the mouse and click "paste" and it will re-appear for you.  Kept losing mine so now copy every time just in case.

Must dash to get DS's tea sorted out.

Lots of love to all of you


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi jobo 
I'm just going to try to see if your tip about copying works - ooh yes it does. can't believe i'm so thick that i've never tried that before    

Hope you didn't think I was bullying you - but I know that sometimes if you're anything like me you need a real push to get yourself going. Do you live in Worcester?  I don't know if you're interested but my acupuncturist practices in kidderminster on thursday is that too far for you. Pm me if you want some details.

Faithful x


----------



## SUSZY

Evening girls
I am a bit more sober now!

lyndalou I am still so gutted for you and sobbed at your news I then went onto denewbies and a girl has just had her 8th mc and I cried even hard and drank more than a bottle of wine.  i cannot seem to get rid of this angry feeling of whats happened to all of us the dreadful journey we have been on then to get our dream come true only for it to be pulled from under our feet again.  sending you lots of    

jobo    sorry about af again and thanks for the hugs I needed them.  I used to do the copy but the lap top just decides to crash, in the past I have posted and then modified but I was a bit drunk and negative last night and wanted to check it before I sent it and then lost it!  It takes so long doesn't it reading them all and then posting replies.  The pc is better if dont click the wrong button!  I am so sorry you are so down at mo but quite understand it as well, I think you are about 2 to 3 years behind me and dont envy you the road ahead.  I am nearer to being like Pand now but also really want another baby but wanted it years ago.
I think a being a day or two late is the worse thing- I would rather be early than late.

ffh    thanks for the hugs and kind words and good luck getting through to your cons - am a bit like you with the phone and prefer text or writing or email but am ok once on the dog and bone - good luck honey with everything.

cinders thinking of you as ever darling - how are you feeling - its so hard and the pain does get a little easier day by day. sending you lots of love and healing     So understand how hard it is with all the other mums not having any problems and churning them out like a conveyor belt.

bubbs thanks for your kind words and good luck with this cycle again    

jo83 hope you are doing ok honey.

missy how are you honey hope you are doing ok think having a break is a good idea so you can conc on having fun. hope you have a good weekend - anything good planned!

emma bet you are razing around in your car - have fun and drive safe!

rlh hope you are ok welcome to our gang we all feel the same and are here for each other

tuck have a wonderful hol and so good luck with the flying, as ever know exactly where you are coming from with everything esp the other mums

Pand -    you are sounding to good and sorted darling and it seems like the job coming good and the new post sounds like fun and you are coming to terms with stuff, I think only having one child does have its advantages its just hard when you see everyone else.  i think we need to resolve to meet up with and without kids ever quarter of the year /every season!

Lainey not sure what to say other than I would give the ivf one more go as I have said before it does work and has worked for most of us its just the after bit we dont seem to be so good at.

wbg you seem busy as ever painting etc and good luck with everything

wendeth - congrats on the house well done for going off and doing something else - it must have been so hard waiting about - hope you have a good weekend sending you lots of love and happy vibes.
Ec how are you sweetheart

Gab and HOneyprincess - its been a while hope you are doing ok.

whippet hope all is well with you darling

will post this now and have tea and come back in a while to finish off
love and miss you all
sorry if missed anyone out
just had tea and want to go to a barn dance but trying to get these two out of the house is soo hard I wonder why I bother sometimes I really do!
we have a ball tomorrow night which should be good although there champagne and I am driving should be fun!
Hope you all have a good weekend and that we get some nice weather.
look after yourselves.
love
susie


----------



## Pand

Hey girlies,

Seriously, I was supposed to not be coming on here so much!!! Had a great chat with my counsellor on Thurs.  She was very hard on me and told me not to write off having another, but to find the balance between wanting another and it not taking over my life.... easier said than done!!!  But one thing we did talk about was how these really awful things can sometimes have some postives.  I really believe mine is to try and help other people going through it too.  It helps me to know I'm helping other people. I'm not as sorted as you think tho... after two glasses of wine tonight I could sit and cry for the baby I've lost and the one I feel I will never have.  I still want one so much, but it's not taking over my life anymore.  It could happen, but its not likely.  I feel better not living every month thinking "maybe" but it doesn't stop me wanting it.  I'm afraid that won't go away til I go through menopause.  But I so want to be there for all of you I really do.

Suzy - Do you want my honest opinion?  I really think you have surpressed a lot of your grief. You're like me.  You want to think you have dealt with it, that you're in control and sorted.  You want to be past the worst bit and back to normal.  But I think deep down you are still very much grieving for your little one.  It's completely understandable you're feeling so lonely and doing things you wouldn't otherwise do.  One thing my counsellor made me do was in a journal rate who I was angry at (after my mc) and give them a rating from 0 - 10.  Then the ones I was really angry with I had to write a letter to, then burn it.  She said it won't get rid of the feeling, but was a physical way of dealing with a complex emotion.  Do you think it might help?  Hun, I am always here for you.  PM me if you want to chat.  I will keep a check over the weekend.

Cinders - I am absolutely sure you are checking on here, even if you don't feel like posting.  I don't want to pester you, but I want you to know I'm still here and thinking of you lots.  xxx

Missyb - I hope you are finding some peace love.

Jo - I said to you last weekend that you are where I was about 12 months ago.  I read your text and post today.  I could have written it myself, in fact if you look back I probably have, word for word.  All I can suggest is that over the next couple of days you have a couple of large glasses of wine, and allow yourself to feel down.  Hopefully, by next week, you will feel a little stronger again.  The ups and downs of this rollercoaster on a monthly basis is enough to drag anyone down.  You are a lovely, kind person, with a great sense of fun, I can see that.  It's sad to see so much hurt in your eyes, but I don't think it's gone away.  It's just a little squashed at the moment.  It will come back I promise.  I will try and dig out my relaxation CD and get it to you over the next couple of weeks.  It really helps.  Keep smiling hun, it makes them wonder what you're up to!

FFH - God I wish I was on something!!!!!  I'm not strong at all mate.  Just defeated!!! I have waved my little white flag and said, "Ok, I can't take anymore!!"  But it's lovely that you think I am!  I forgot that you are only in Kidderminster.  I will make sure you know about any future meet ups.  How are you doing now?  I know you're scared about IVF, but if you've got through three rounds of IUI, IVF isn't much different honest.  You will cope.  The financial side is a nightmare, but if you want any advice/info about IVF just shout as I know lots about the Priory and that's probably where you would go.  One of the teachers at work had numerous IUIs until she finally had IVF last year and conceived successfully last year.  She now has a gorgeous little boy.  So there are some happy endings!  

Bubs - OMG!!!  Poor you and your ankle!! Get lots of frozen peas and keep it elevated and drink lots of wine.  That's my advice!!

That's all for tonight.  Now I've dished out loads of advice, I will try to follow it myself!!!  Going to hit the bottle a bit more!!

Love and hugs

Pand


----------



## lyndalou

Hi lovely Ladies

Thank you all for your lovely kind messages. Tears are drying up just feeling really numb at moment. Dreading scan on
Monday but want to get it over with at the same time. DH has himself convinced all will be good at scan but I think its
just his way of coping at moment. I always thought that if I could just get a bfp all would be fine from there. How wrong was 
I. Much love to everyone sorry no personalsxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## RLH33

Hiya

Lyndalou - I am   for you and will be thinking of you tomorrow.  I hope your fears have been over nothing and that the scan was that little bit too early.

Bubbs - My God you were lucky with your ankle, a friend fell down the stairs at easter and broke it!!  With two children under three, post natal depression and a dh who had just signed up for a training course abroad she was not happy to say the least!!  Hope the time continues to tick by really quick.

Pand, I think your counsellor has given you some very wise words, my approach over the last 18months is to defiantly not let it worry me or take over my life and in fact make getting pregnant as inconvenient as possible!!  It sounds like you have to sort of grieve for the life that you want but now acknowledge that you are unlikely to have in order to move on.  Go easy on yourself, I am sure it will not happen overnight but day by day you will feel better and learn to accept it.  Spending time helping others on this website is a very caring, and very honourable thing to do.

Jo - hope you are feeling stronger soon.

Suzy - I am sure counselling and relate will help with issues between yourself and your dh.  This must be one of the most stressful times of a person's life so give yourself, and your dh, some time to get over the problems you have faced and try to cling onto the belief that things will get better.  I am sure that if you do still love each other counselling will work and you will be ok.

tuck - hope the due date of your 2nd ectopic baby wasn't too hard, have a great holiday and hope the flight goes ok!

Still trying to get the hang of all these personals so I'll say Hiya to everyone else too.

Me - I went to see the consultant last week and he was very optomistic and didn't say all the worrying things I was expecting.  He did a scan and said that I appear to have ovulated this month so that, along with the tests I had in December, which also showed ovulation, led him to believe that my test last month was a bit of a blip and not necessarily a long term problem.  I had the day 21 test done again this week as well and he is going to look at the results on Monday.  He said that whilst the lining of my uterus was a bit thin which was unusual he wasn't unduly worried and said I just needed a 'little boost' and will probably prescribe clomid for me to start next week once he has seen the test results.  It was lucky I had had my fsh test done previously as he never had the results sent to him by the GP and was going to delay treatment until we knew what the level was, but when I told him that they had been done he was able to get them from the Hospital and confirmed they were all fine.

I am so relieved that there is nothing major wrong and that I am going to start at least some treatment although I am cautious of getting too far ahead of myself as this doesn't mean I will get pregnant soon and could still have a very long road ahead.  I am sooooooooo glad we went private though (even though it was £240 and we were only in there 20 mins!!!) as I got to see him within three weeks rather than the three months on the NHS meaning that my mind has been put at rest and that by the time my NHS appt would have come up I will have already have been on treatment for 3 months.  I am a bit worried about side effects of clomid though, especially the mood swings, and have gone through the house today like a mad woman making my dh sort things out that I know will set me off if the mood swings get bad!!! Poor thing!  I have also warned our friends who we are going to Center Parcs with in a couple of weeks to bear with me - four adults and three kids in a three bed lodge can be a little bit of a strain at the best of times!! - alcohol may help though.

Anyway that's enough from me.
Love to everyone

RLH


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

Lyndalou - I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you hun and   with every bone in my body that tomorrow brings you some good news and not bad.  I'm sure you are preparing yourself for the worst but you just never know.  Good luck sweetheart.  

Lots of love
Pand


----------



## jobo5572

Lyndalou - just wanted to wish you lots of  ,   &   for tomorrow.  I will have everything crossed for you   

Jo


----------



## wouldbegreat

Lyndalou good luck tomorrow honey


----------



## emsylou

hiya my lovelies, im so sorry i have not been here for a while but i have been driving non stop and have been very buisy.
I hope you are all ok? am so sorry but its gonna be a me me me post, have had a very hectic week.
Well i had my driving test on last monday and i thought i had started it all on a high because i had passed and brought my new car and i was realy happy and thought id try and stay posotive for my aptt on last thursday, well i got to the hospital and i couldnt find a space to park but when i eventually did i started to get realy nervous because i knew that if i had the same results as last time then things are definatly bad. Well when the nurse took me into the room, she opened my notes and sad that my hubbys sperm count was still very kw, it had gone up a bit from the last time but it was still very low and i hadnt ovulated, apparantly i didnt ovulate the first time they had done my bloods either, but i was told that i did ovulate but i just didnt release an egg, so it looks like i am having trouble ovulating. I asked the nurse if there was any chance i could try the clomid, but she said no because of hubbys sperm count, so she has referred him to go and see a specialist and i have to have some kind of scan, i dont know exactly what but its not the one where you have the die put through your tubes. The nurse wasnt at all sympathetic i was sat there all on my own and she said that there is noway we can get pg without ivf, that was pretty much the way she worded it. I just filled right up and could feel my teers pushing their way out, i tried to hold them back but i couldnt, i felt so stupid, but i just couldnt help myself.
My head is so mixed up, i know that there is no way that we can afford ivf, but theres no way that i can accept that i probably wont have another child, this is so hard and i want to cry evry time i think about it. I know that there are so many other people that are in worse positions than me but i am realy struggling. I am feeling at the lowest i have ever been and am scared of getting lower, i am trying my hardest to put on a brave face and pretend that evrything is ok but i cant live my life being fake.
To top things off i saw my old midwife the other day that i had with both of my girls and she was asking if i was going to have any more but i just forced a smile and said "maybe one day" and as soon as i got in the car i just cried. How am i supposed to accept that i may never have another child? this is so hard, i never thought id have to think this, but it is the hardest thing thats ever happened to me and i am starting to loose the last bit of hope that i had.
any ways enough of me moaning, lexi had her show today for her dancing and she done realy well, made me very proud, oh and she passed her exam last week aswell, she was ever so excited because she got a medal lol
so id better be off now, sorry for moaning so much.
love to you all xxxxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,

I know I have been AWOL for a while! Just trying to get myself together a bit. I have been reading, just not posting.
I had my mum stayng from Wales, and so didn't feel like I could ignore her and spend hours posting on the computer!!!
Don't know where to start re personals!!!!  

Firstly, Lyndalou  . I'm sorry not to have been here to support you. Though I'm not sure that I would have been the best person because my story didn't end up so good, and at times like this you want to cling to the people who have positive outcomes, because if you cling on hard enough maybe they will let you join them with a happy ending!!!
I understand the torture of the past few days, wondering what is going on in there. But I am hoping that it was too soon, and that when you go for scan today there will be more to see. Miracles DO happen, and like Pand, I'm wishing with every bone in my body that you are one of them.    .

Pand hun, you are being a complete star. You are putting so much energy into supporting everyone else, you must be exhausted!!! I'm sorry that I didn't reply to your text when you needed me. I was in a 4hr childrens party, and my head was pounding afterwards! Then had to see my mum off to Wales yesterday, so this is first chance I have had to 'chat.'
Think maybe it will take us longer than we think to get through this, and while there are days when we feel really positive and able to cope with it, there are also days that turn out really negative and make us want to sob our little hearts out for the babies we so desperately want to be mummy to.  
Like you keep telling me, we have to keep plodding, and hope that the negative days will get fewer and further apart. I don't know if that 'kicked in the gut' feeling, when you get a pg announcement, or when you hold a baby will ever really go away. I wonder if when our children start having children it will still get us. Maybe not such a big kick, but nevertheless, a kick!   (Not from our own children though!)
My counsellor said that people react very differently to m/c and IF. We are a product of our experiences to date, and someone with a solid childhood, a solid base may well pick themselves up quicker than someone like me, who had a lot of 'secrets' within the family, a lot of lies and uncertainty. Not putting blame on my parents or anything. It's not their fault I've had a m/c, but if you imagine yourself as a pyramid, well my base layer has got a few bits missing, and so sometimes the upper layers are somewhat precarious, and prone to the odd wobble!!! This makes me more determined to give dd the solid base she needs for life ahead, and I don't want my IF to start screwing her up!!
I'm waffling.....I am processing a lot of imformation at the moment. Trying to find the right path for my onwards journey. Sometimes when I think about giving up ttc I feel a huge sense of relief. Then sometimes I feel an almighty panic and desperation!! I was hoping I would just know when it was time to call it quits, but I'm not sure that I will now. Or maybe the fact that I don't know if its time, means it's not??!!!........

Anyway, this is starting to turn into a me post, and I wanted to do some personals. Back to business!!!

So Pand,   go easy on yourself. Accept the bad days/feelings for what they are, and fight to find the good ones again! Just going to throw this one in....Remember there are no rules, and if you ever felt like you wanted to try treatment again...well there are always loans!! Or you could sell your body  

Emma,
Congratulations on driving everywhere!!! You must have an immense sense of freedom!!! Also congrat's on dd dancing show, and exam. Was it dancing exam too? I am always weepy mum when it comes to things like that!! Should think you are very proud.
I'm sorry your appointment went badly Emma,  , it's always made 10times worse if the person breaking bad news is bad at it!!! Do you think the Nurse had her sensitive bones removed surgically   ??
Anyway, I'm trying to read between the lines. Is the main problem hubbys   ? Because if it is, (please forgive me for going over old ground that you have already covered   ) But have you tried vitamins? Dp had good count, but they weren't particularly good swimmers, going round in circles getting dizzy bless 'em!! He went on zinc and folic acid, and 3 months later there was a huge improvement! Also good diet, exercise, boxer shorts, no hot baths, no alcohol  , no smoking. I realise you probably know all this and more, but hope you don't mind me mentioning!! So if you have tried all that, and IVF is your only option, then I wouldn't lose all hope.
As I recall, I think you are still pretty young? Not like us old fogies!!!  I know you said that money is an issue, but with time on your side then would you be able to save for a while? Or would you think about egg donation? If you could get your head round that, then that would lower the cost of IVF hugely!! 
If you did manage to do a cycle, you would be in with a really good chance of it working due to your young eggs, (IVF would overcome the sperm problem) and the fact that you have had children can only be good  .
All is not lost Emma, and I know you want to be pg yesterday, (me too!)but there is still time for it to happen, you just haven't worked out quite how yet.  

I'm going to post this then start again, hoping I don't lose it!!!  
Not sure I can do Jo's clever copy and paste thing, bit thick me!!!

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

Ok, back again...

Hello RLH, I don't think we've 'met' yet, so a warm welcome aboard  ! Good news from your appointment, and we look forward to helping you through your clomid days if you start soon!!! 

Suszy sweetheart, how are you?
You do sound so very busy at the mo! I am so opposite, in a hibernation state!!! Apart from dd's social life!
Hoping that you and dh getting along ok? IF does have a profound effect on us, and everyone close to us. I'm hoping your problems are just a blip, and you can work your way through it together eventually! Hope your lovely ds ok?
Is half term next week with all you guys? It is for me.
Though might be a bit late to arrange get together now  .
Meeting all you guys gave me a massive boost, just when I needed it  . I just loved the feeling I NEVER have with anyone else, I'm not sure I can name it. It felt like we were together, I felt supported, protected against the fertiles    . No pg woman could get to us on that day, we were invincible, empowered!!!
Think we should start a meet up thread, where we can register our interest, and where we are located so that we can try to work out a fair place, and all travel roughly same distance to meet. Then we could try and work out some dates, as summer hols will be here before we know it!!
So, big love to you Suszy  !

Missyb,  
Totally understand your need for some time out to gain some perspective on things, you have had one hell of a year, and deserve some good things to come your way.   We will miss you, but we will keep a light on, and be here whenever you need us  

Hey Faithful,
How are you feeling about things? If you want to chat about IVF at all, ask anything, then I would be happy to answer any questions, same as Pand really. Though I realise it is more the moral side of treatment that you and dh struggling with. Have you been on the religion board at all?
I really hope that I have got this right, and it is you who didn't think you could go as far as IVF due to religious beliefs!! If it's not you faithful, help me out and point me in right direction, and accept my apologies   !!!


Hey Jobo, 
Sorry you feeling so awful still  . That stoooopid 'ole witch won't have helped matters!   Have you got a appointment through for the counsellor yet hun? 
You know I recognise so well some of your desperate feelings in your posts, I think that you are watching the clock ticking, and it is getting louder and louder!! I think maybe you worry about the age gap in the same way that I did, and each month that goes by you think about how old ds will be if you got pg next month, then when you don't you panic some more!!!

If there is one piece of advice I could give anyone on secondary IF, it is DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE AGE GAP!!! It is somewhat out of your control, and as someone who wanted a 2 year age gap and is facing (let me count...a 6yr 4 month gap if I got pg today!!!!)it really doesn't matter! It's just one more thing to worry about that you don't need!!! It's not fair that we haven't been able to 'plan' our families in the same way other people have, in fact it's complete pants, but there you have it!
I think when you have IF you start out saying, well we'll try for 3 years if it doesn't happen it doesn't..... or we'll have go 3 goes at ivf and if it doesn't happen it doesn't.....or once ds/dd is 5 we'll stop ttc because the age gap will be too big anyway....or I'll keep ttc till I'm 40, then you reach that and you can't stop.....or I'll just have one more go.......
We keep setting up these goals, and I truly believe we are just adding more pressure to ourselves, as sadly we fail them one by one!!!

Well if you logged on for a nice chat, I'm sorry because I seem to have a bit of a rant going on!!!!!!!

Jobo, sorry you are down hun, and hope that you start to pick up soon, and can go ahead with treatment. I guess that's all I was really trying to say!!!!  

Laineylou my lovely,
I know you have had some doubts about doing another cycle, but I sense in you that you are not finished yet!! I can only imagine how scared you must be after everything you have been through, and I take my hat off to you, you are SO very brave!!! Your dd is such a sweety, no wonder you want another to fill your home with another baby and all that they bring...a lot of paraphernalia as I seem to recall!! Are you doing same cycle as before, or long protocol?
Will be in touch re sat nav!!!

I am not very good a typing, and have been here 2 hours with my shoulders starting to ache (bad posture!) so going to try and wind it up a bit now, much to your relief I should think!!!

Bubs, sorry about your ankle hun, but as someone else said, it could have been a lot worse!!!!  

Hey Tuck, thankyou for thinking of me. Not sure about what's happening with you at the mo, please forgive my little brain! But when and where is hol?    

Hey Jo1983, how are things with you? Again, I can't remember where you are at re treatment. I am useless sorry. I should really go back and find out, but need to get off puter now!!! Please forgive!!!

Whippet, hope you are ok? When is scan? Must be coming up soon.    

WBG, Are you giving those paintbrushes a rest now??!!! How are the marathon bonkathons going? Or has your OPK given you and dh a bit of a reprieve!!! Still can't get over 17 times!!!

Emily Caitlin,
Hope you are ok. Are you still planning to do an IVF cycle soon? Best of luck if you are.   Actually best of luck if your not too!!!!!!

Please please forgive me if I have forgotten you, sometimes I do, and is not my intention to offend, just a bit dizzy at times.

Oooh that reminds me, how is dizzylou? Anyone heard?
Also how is DG doing with the twins?

See, sometimes dreams come true.....

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

Only me....
Thinking of calling this the cinders thread!!!!  
Just wanted to say,
Thankyou all for your kindness in helping me through this, it has helped to know that you are there when I need you. 
Particular thank's to Pand, who has been relentless in taking very good care of me. I will never forget it. I think now I have a bond with some of you ladies that will last a life time, we will see each other through to the other side of this. One way or another!!! 
Words are not enough, but thank's guy's.
I only hope that I will be able to offer the same level of support should any of you need it, though I'm hoping you won't need it, obviously!

Love you, and love fertility friends website for being here when I needed you the most.

Cindersxxx

Lyndalou


----------



## bubblicous

wow cinders  - you have been very chatty    hope your well chick

emma - babes have a massive   im so so sorry your appointment didnt go well
fogive me for being straight to the point but can u thin of anyhing drastic hats happened since your yongest was borm i mean dh   were working back then so making me think that perhaps all hope isnt lost horrid they wouldnt give you clomid though as at end of day it only takes 1 good swimmer to make it and if it does you need a wee eggie there to see it so i would have thought they would have gave u it and although his count is low its not completely at zero 

rlh - oo your poor friend im glad yourappointment went well fingers crossed for you goodluck when u start taking your clomid its so much fun 

everyone else hugs      hope were all weel

as for me

well today i went for my cd21 bloods but it was cd 22 im shattered so slept in but made it with 5 minutes to spare   took 3 midwives to get some out of me my arms are now killing me but hey ho its done now
was working all weekend so im shattered today af due this week so were just waiting on that


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Morning all or should I say Morning Cinders!!!

Just a quickie from me as I need to get some ironing done will catch up with personals later. 
Have just been for my routine smear test   lovely!  Like I haven't had enough poking around up there recently!!!  The nurse asked what contraception I was using    I was completely startled by the question, I forgot I didn't have a plaque on my forehead saying 'Infertile'!  She was really nice about it though and was surpised as she knows me quite well and knew that I didn't have any problems having dd. 

I think the meet up thread sounds like a great idea, I would love to meet up with some of my lovely friends on here so count me in.

Have booked to see my consultant on Thursday afternoon, but I kind of feel as though I'm hanging on to the last bit of hope that he's going to come up with something different!!! I know he won't but feel I need to talk to him.
Cinders - Yes it was me who felt unable to go onto ivf for religious reasons.

Speak to you all soon
Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Just a quickie as I'm at work......

Cinders - so glad you posted as have been worried about you  .  What mammoth threads !!  I hope you're OK  .  Pushed your bubbles up to a 7 again for you.  Have also replied to your thread about meeting up.  Sounds great but if mid-week I work Monday to Thursday so would need to book a day off, but DS's nursery closes for the last 2 weeks in August so should be OK then.  Weekends are fine, whenever.

Emma - sorry to hear about your appointment  .  It always seems worse when the person telling you the news has no people skills whatsoever.  I used to have a right b*stard of a consultant who upset me more than the news he was giving I think, but now I have a lovely consultant who also upsets me 'cos he's too nice !!  Can't win.  Hope you're OK and get something sorted.

Lyndalou -    

Hi and hugs to everyone else - sorry - boss on the war path.  Must dash.


----------



## RLH33

Hello Everyone

Just a quickie tonight as I wanted a little bit of advice.  Consultant rang today and said that whilst he thought I had ovulated from scan blood tests showed that I didn't which he said would correspond with the thin lining of the uterus.  He didn't sound too worried and said that as my FSH was fine and that I had ovulated in December it sounded like ovulation was a bit hit and miss but that I was capable of it.  He has put me on Clomid which I should start this week.  Trouble is he rang me at work and I couldn't really ask any detailed questions without all my (male) colleagues overhearing!!  

I wasn't too worried at the time but now having looked at the internet have got myself into a right old tizz!  How can he think I had ovulated from the state of my ovaries when I hadn't?  My only thought is that maybe I had just ovulated and that the blood test was therefore done too early - he did say it would be interesting to see when my AF turned up.  But if I have ovulated late surely a thin lining is still bad.  Plus I have been looking at side effects of Clomid and that says that it can cause a thin lining!  I can't win!

I am sure I must be worrying over nothing, he sounds so reassuring but I wonder if he is comparing me to 40 odd women with BIG problems and mine are very small - but very BIG to me!! 

Sorry - the worrying gets to me now and then!  Must go the woman has turned up from Tesco internet shopping, we have been waiting since 7pm and my dh has been moaning like a good one about how hungry he is!   

RLH


----------



## lyndalou

Hi Lovely Ladies

We Saw a heart beat  Totally gobsmaked! Was convinced it was all over! Nearly fell of the table in shock.
We are not out of the woods yet because the measurements where very small for our dates which they said maybe an
indication that something is wrong but at least there is still hope. Back in 2 weeks for another scan. The  goes on....

Thank you all so much for all your lovely supporting messages. They mean soooo very much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## whippet

Lyndalou fantastic nws honey thats me in tears again so very very pleased for you both     

whippet x


----------



## cinders35

Have pm'd you but YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
BL**DY FANTASTIC!!!
Will keep everything crossed for next 2 weeks, actually for next 33 weeks!!!  
Love Cindersxxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Lyndalou - great news about the heartbeat !!!!  I still have everything crossed for you     

Jo


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

Lyndalou - what fab news!  I am so relieved.  My consultant told me that the trend is for IVF pg to start slowly and catch up later so try not to worry about the size.   for a good outcome for you.  You really deserve it.     

Dancing bananas I think        

Cinders - glad to have you back    Found you on my sat nav, we are 99 miles apart, so not that far.  Will text you.  

Pand - concur with everything everyone else has said, you are very special and we all love you.  Cinders is right, you should never say never.  Love ya  

Susie - sorry you have been feeling down.  I think we all have phases of feeling rubbish, I can go weeks feeling fine and then it really hits me and I feel terrible, like it is the end of the world.  Keep your pecker up chicken, you are doing really well.  Hope counselling helps you and DH, I am sure all is not lost.  

Emma - sorry the appointment went badly.  You are still really young so have time on your side.  My DH has a dodgy SA and he ate loads of brazil nuts (full of selenium) and his SA really improved at the next go.  You can get selenium tablets aswell.  Give them a try  

Bubbs - sorry to hear about your ankle, lucky you didn't break it though.

FFH - sorry to hear that DH is a bit anti IVF, it is a tricky one.  I can understand being a conscientious objector, any chance you could talk him round?

Missy - miss ya    Hope you're ok. 

Tuck - enjoy your holiday, hope the flight is not too traumatic.

RLH - re ovulation - I think it is possible to have follicles that don't release for some reason.  Don't know that much about it though so can't help any further than that, sorry.  

Whippet - how are you? Getting nervous re scan?  Good luck with it.    

Jobo - how are you?  Hope you are feeling more positive.  It is hard to drag yourself out of the pit sometimes.  Just remember that these feelings do pass and at some point you will feel brighter.  Sending you lots of you love.  

As for me.  Going to Italy on BH Monday so that rules out IVF for this cycle    but I went to see cons on Friday and he said that my last blood test should day 3 hormone levels were normal    FSH was 6, LH was 2,  my FSH has NEVER been that low.  Nearly fell off my chair.  He has booked me an appointment at the London Fertility Academy tomorrow morning and they will decide my protocol and give me my drugs.  As soon as I get to day 26 of my cycle I can start d/reging    I think i will be doing long protocol this time and have lots of drugs to try and get loads of eggs.  Am excited and terrified all at the same time.  I will hopefully have a nice relaxing holiday and then get back on the rollercoaster  

Went to see counsellor with DH on Thursday and it was really good.  She asked DH how he would scale his grief from 1 to 10 re IF.  He said 9 and rising.  I was shocked, I thought he just took it in his stride.  We also had to write letters to eachother and his was lovely.  He said that he still loved me very, very much and that, whatever happened, we would get through it together.  He ended it by saying "please don't give up on me and please don't stop loving me".  It was so lovely, bless him.  He got really emotional.  It was a real eye-opener.  So, Susie, it can really help   

Will post tomorrow to let you know how it goes.

Love to everyone

Lainey x


----------



## cinders35

Morning all!!

Great to hear from you Lainey, 99 miles not so far! My sat nav still in car, keep forgetting to check it out! Italy... I luuuurve Italy, all that pasta and ice cream!!!! Handbags and shoes!!!!!!

Just a reminder girls, have started a meet up thread, so if you are interested get your name down   !

It's going to be hard to fit everyones needs with dates, but we will try our best, otherwise we will have to have 2 summer meet ups!!!!

Got to go, going to sort out my wardrobe, it's full of clothes but I have nothing to wear! Same old story, got to do some serious clothes recycling!

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Lyndalou fantastic news honey  

I am now on the 2ww im 1dpo and here we go again   so lots of   for me this month   dh has fert clinic app a couple of days before af due for a sperm test so if af does arrive at least we have the ball rolling   >we are not sure what to expect really .

My dh asked for a sperm test at doctors and they said we don't do them anymore i will have to refer you to the infertility clinic at our local  hospital under the nhs  .Does anyone know what will happen and will he have to do the deed on the day   .They have asked him to bring a specimen  of urine  any info greatly received 

Love to you all Wouldbegreat


----------



## whippet

wouldbegreat all clinics a bit different but when we went he was given a different appontment time to hand in sperm sample he handed it straight to the lab and was given a time it was to be there for romantic eh? Hope you dont need it honey

whippet x


----------



## Jo1983

LyndaLou

Pm'd you last night hun, but just wanted to say it again!  

Absolutely fantastic news! So so so happy for you and your family, I will keep   for you xxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Thanks Whippit 

I hope we don't too i am quite positive about this month as ovulated on left side (first time since operation ) i can tell this due to lack of severe pain in right side and lots of twinges in left . This is my better side as right had 2 clips on and con said the left was one of the  easiest he had done .I think i do this about every 3rd month   

I have used the clearblue fertility monitor which i have to say was excellent and picked up my surge etc and relived allot of pressure for us this month and enabled us to time things right .Much better than persona that was just red all the time no ovulation symbol or anything we were worn out  


How long do you have to get sample to clinic  

WBG


----------



## whippet

WBG we were told 30 minutes ideally have to say I took the dogs to the park cause the visual of the whole thing then the drive to the hospital was not helping my poor dh  

whippet x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou - That's fantastic news, am so pleased for you  . Hope bubba keeps growing strong. 

Lainey - Have a fab time in Italy - i love it there too, best ice cream in the world yum yum. Have a relaxing time, come back replenished to start ivf when you get back.

Wouldbegreat - Think DH just had to take it to clinic within a certain time period but did it at home when it was NHS sample. Can't remember that well though as it was 2 years ago now! Hope you don't need it though!!


Everyone else Hi, I've got to go and get on so really will catch up some time this week


----------



## Pand

Hi girlies,

Just a quickie tonight as have only just finished working and am very tired!!!! God bless SATs!

Lyndalou - OMG!  I am so relieved to hear your lovely news... I'm sure you must still be very scared, but it's good, positive news. Sounds like you have a fighter there... sending you lots of   and  !!!!

Cinders - It's so lovely to have you back!  Any clothes that you throw out send my way (hopefully when I've lost two stone I will fit into them!!!!).  And for the record, so that you don't worry about sharing your down times (cos I know you do)  I get a huge amount of peace and relief from supporting other people.  It's like my counsellor said, the most awful things happen to us all for a reason.  I really believe that some of the awful things I've been through happened so that I would never take anything for granted and so that I could empathise and help other people.  More to the point, you were a wonderful friend to me before, during and after my treatment.  I never forget a kindness.  You're stuck with me now..... EEEEEK .... stalker!!!!!  I think you are being amazingly brave and pragmatic about all of this.  Keep chatting chick.  Haven't seen your meet up thread yet but will take a peak!  Lots of love to you, dp and dd.

Hi to all the other golden girls... I am keeping an eye on the posts but I'm just too pooped to type much more tonight!!!!  Just know that I think you're all lovely!! (Includes you JO!).

Hi to everyone else (Bubs, Emma, RLH, WBG, FFH and anyone else I've missed).  Love you all too!!!

Sepak soon

Love Pand


----------



## RLH33

Only just checked the posts

Lyndalou - What a relief, I was thinking about you all day yesterday - keep thinking positive and I am   for you.   

RLH


----------



## lainey-lou

Sorry, this will be a me post  

Went for appointment with cons today and feel really fed up now.  He seemed to whizz through my history and then whizz through what was going to happen next without really explaining anything properly to me.  He had a bit of an accent so I found it hard to understand him and he kept talking in technical jargon/terms, which mean nothing to me, and expecting me to understand.  I had to keep interrupting him to ask questions.  He didn't seem that interested in the notes I bought with me (they cost me £25 from my old clinic  ) and he just suggested more tests/drugs for me to take.  I felt a bit like I was an inconvenience to him really and I was wasting his valuable time.

I don't know what I expected really but I would have liked him to be a bit enthusiastic and positive, I left feeling that I was completely wasting my time and had no hope.  He actually said "we can try using the same protocol as before but you probably won't get any more eggs than last time, or we can try higher doses of drugs but there is no guarantee we will get more eggs"  Great!  And the point of me doing this is?

I feel like giving up now.  I feel someone is trying to tell me something.  It is like "Hello!  You've had four years of IF, 3 mcs, 2 rounds of IVF.  Which part of no don't you understand?"  I don't know where to go or who to turn to.  I feel like these people are only in it for the money and I am finding it really hard to trust them.  I was there an hour today and I had 3 tubes of blood taken, 1 scan, 1 consultation, 1 urine sample - kerching!  that will be £420 please.  I would have liked a bit of TLC, is that too much to ask?

Have spent all day crying.  Can't seem to get a grip.  Afraid to stop, afraid to carry on  

Sorry for the self-absorbed post.

A very miserable Lainey x


----------



## cinders35

Lainey hun,
   
I guess meditation didn't help much then  .
Forgive me, as I am a little confused, and don't feel quite up to speed. Have you changed clinics? Or just seen a different doctor at the clinic?
Have you thought about phoning the clinic to chat to a nurse, see if they can put your mind at rest a little? 
I guess it is possible that you have a miserable consultant, or that he just had a bad day  .
I understand the importance of having the clinics enthusiasm and support behind you, as otherwise what's the point!! You need them to believe in you, and a little TLC is not too much to ask, no.   
I know loads of Dr's with apalling bedside manners!  
What did dh feel about it?
Would it be just too much to think about having treatment elsewhere if you feel really bad about it? Or do you feel differently today?
You deserve better Lainey, maybe your next experience there will be better, but give them a ring and give them a chance to redeem themselves!
Have you thought about checking out if anyone else on ff has experiences of that clinic, or that consultant?

Pand, thank's hun  

Everyone else    

Not much time, got to collect dd.

Love Cindersxxx


----------



## bubblicous

im feeling sorry for myself today

i just wish my mood would pick up as i have loads to do and i really cannot be bothered with any of it 

i got my cd21 bloods back today my progesterone level was 31 which indicates ov they look for anything over 30 so really 31 is quite pathetic espec when i see other ladies on the clomid thread with levels like 60 or 70

anyway thats made my mood worse 

i actually hate ttc i really hate its turning me into a horrible person whos mopes about the place feeling sorry for herself

i should be shot i really should as other people have bigger problems than me we have bigger problems than not gettting pregnant but at this particular minutee all i can think is feeling sorry for my pathertic little self

im sorry this is such a windgy post and i know im gonna get told to give myself a good shake which i should do but i cant

i just feel so bad


----------



## RLH33

Bubbs

Sometimes you need to take time to feel sorry for yourself so that you can pick yourself up again and feel better.  If your blood results show 31 I thought anything over 30 was good - ok it was only just over 30 but it still means you ovulated doesn't it.  If it does surely the fact that you ovulated is good news - ok if you want to show off you can have results of 60 or 70     but an egg is an egg - it only takes one, along with a  , to make a baby!!

Hope you feel better soon.

RLH


----------



## cinders35

Oh Bubs,

Nobody here is going to tell you to give yourself a good shake and get over it  .
I can feel your pain in every word that you write hun.
The trouble with us is that we have IF,and it makes us feel terrible. Then we see/think about someone with cancer, or some other cruel disease and we realise there is someone worse off than us. We thank our lucky stars, give ourselves a talking to, and feel terribly guilty. Guilty for daring to feel down about the injustice of our situation.
Then ofcourse there is the added guilt of not having just infertlity, but secondary infertility. So even in the world of infertility we are not truly free to feel our pain! (Except on here of course!   ) There is always some kind hearted person telling us how lucky we are,that at least we have child/children. Which of course we are, and we know that!
But pain is what we are feeling, and we should be allowed to feel it. Simple as that.
The urge to have a baby is deep deep down. It's not that the child/children we are already blessed with isn't/aren't enough for us. My daughter is the most amazing human being I know, and I can't imagine loving another so child the same. But I want the chance to try. I know that's what you want too Bubbs.   So don't be so hard on yourself.  
This is such a hard thing to come to terms with, IF. And SIF is so frustrating, because we know that our bodies have had the capabilty of pg before. Why can't we do it, just one more time? For me I think I should have started a family earlier, but then lots of my friends of same age are 'producing' their 2nd and 3rd children without a problem.
Just bad luck maybe.  
Allow yourself some wallow time Bubs, don't hate yourself, it's not your fault, it's not any of our faults. 
You are trying so hard, putting all this effort into ttc and getting no reward. The only reward any of us want is a healthy baby in our arms.   But we just keep getting bfn, after bfn, or worse... At times it is pretty hard to take, but there is always someone here who isn't feeling quite so bad at the tme, to hold your hand, and help you through.
IF has led me to have some pretty ugly feelings and emotions regarding jealousy of other people and their families, and I have questioned the sort pf person I am to feel like this. But I don't think deep down I am horrible, I am just desperate, that's all. I don't think you are a horrible person Bubs, I don't want to start calling you desperate, but....  !! It may just be how you are feeling right now.  

You are far from pathetic!!! You are so strong to be putting yourself through this month after month, and that clomid sounds like it would send the sanest of people loopy!!! So I reckon you are actually doing quite well!!!

Sorry have gone on a bit,
Just want you to know that I/we understand, and tomorrow is another day on the journey to the unknown!!
Just hope it's worth it when we get there!!  

Love to all,

I'll shut up now,

Cindersxxx


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
My goodness you lot have been chatting like mad and cinders has written loads!
i have a headache tonight so wont do a long post but really wanted to say to Lyndlou what wonderful news - I am so made up for you and will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Sorry not been on that much, tend to have quite a lot on in the days and am trying to meditate a bit more although got a bit peed off with the class yesterday it was a bit ott then i went to some religious prayer group and felt the same there.  Think I am just generally angry with the world again (can I write the world a letter pand) I just think its so unfair we have to go through all this and all these other people just look at each other and get pregnant.  I want to be out there going to toddler groups, and doing all the things I used to, just came across a newsletter we wrote in dec 04 and I was just so busy and still so innocent about what i was about to go through.
things with dh slightly better although we have hardly talked about the counselling session we seem to be getting on better but dont spend much time together and at the weekend I wanted to do a few things and could not motivate dh or ds to do them so I retired to bed for a few hours.  Sometimes think I might be going down hill again mentally.  There is a baby about to be born in our year, she is 45 with a 5 and 10 year old thats goign to be hard and with the summer all the reception mums babies seem to be on view more.  its just so hard and not getting an easier.  I am peed off with it all.

Lainey - I am so sorry the appt did not go well and do know how you feel as have felt the same with our consultants and even at bham they just want the money off you straight away. They just dont seem to realise how important it is and what we have all been through. I was listening to an intersting womans hour on radio 4 dont normal listen and it was all about IF and a few were saying the same thing how we are not treated that well.  I am so sorry you are feeling pants again sweetheart and i do understand.  I thought that was a lovely idea the letter and it made me well up what you dh had put I might suggest it to dh but not sure he would go for it and not sure what I would put in mine!  We seem to spend nights in different rooms.  Have fun in Italy darling we will be thinking of you.  We have the same fsh level of 6 and my lh was 4.5 so frustrating that we need ivf although dh just said there are not enough of them when I said they were good quality!  you have been through so much sweetheart, your turn will come, try and keep positive and your chin up.

Pand thanks for your advice I kind of came to the conclusion after listening today to the radio four programme that perhaps that is my role to help others and to help them get through this.   ihave not been brill lately as have been distracted but its also what i needed.  I had a really good reiki session today and really felt like I released a lot of stuff.  I will try the counselling advice as i do feel very angry.  Thanks for your advice.

tuck hope you are having a good hol and managed the flights ok

jo83 hope you are ok

jobo how are you feeling sweetheart, we are here for you to help you through this.

Cinders you have been writing for England and its good to have you back - you sound in a much better place- your posts have been really impressive.  how are you getting on with writing that book!  We need to make some money to help support people more through this terrible journey.
You are very chatty which is great, would love to meet up again soon and thanks for starting that thread.  YOu have been kind and supported us through loads, we all just take it in turns, I just wish we had all been able to keep our bfps.  You were so right about the bond we share and how lovely it is, i have a couple of other friends who only hav eone and do like spending time with them even if they live hours away.

bubb sorry you are feeling so down and dont worry about your post we all get like that and thats what we are all here for to support each other and we do understand what you are going through.

emma so sorry the appt did not go very well, its so hard

ffh thinking of you - you have had it really hard as well.

wbg hope you are ok honey

rlh - you are doing really well with your posts, sorry you are having it so hard too

missby hope you are ok , missing you.

ec -how are you

Gab and honeyprincess how are you?

whippet how are you doing sweetheart - thinking of you

Cinders you are right it would be lovely to hear from dizzi and DG the latter has a blog so you could probably read on there.  

love and light and healing to all     
hope i have not missed anyone out.
love
susie


----------



## SUSZY

Hi girls
its quiet on here - have I scared everyone off with my rantings.
Just wanted to wish you all a good half term and enjoy your time with your kids and just hope its not too painful for when you mix with the ones with two and three etc.
Thanks for your support and friendship it means the world.
Our campervan should be coming home tonight so hopefully that will make the world seem a better place.
We also have a folk festival on down the road so feel like just sitting around and chilling listening to music and drinking wine. I have been really good this week and only had one glass on Monday night was fairly sober the Sat so since a week today have done very well.  managed to lose 2 pounds according to the wii fit but feel i have put them on again i feel so fat at mo.
I also walked up a moutain yesterday which was good.
have a good week girls
love you all


----------



## bubblicous

hey everyone

thanks for being so nice to me even though i was like a woman possesed with my huge rant

anyway cd26 for me last 2 cycles have been wee 25 day ones but my norm is 28 
no af as yet but i can feel her coming so just need to wait on the witch appearing
i know shes coming so tonite im gonna treat myself to a glass of wine whilst i relax and watch some tv though i may leave the wine till tomorrow nite as im working in the morning so will wait and see how i feel 

anyway i just wanted to say thanks to youa ll for being angels


----------



## lainey-lou

Oh Bubbs    Sorry AF is coming and sorry you have been feeling so cr*p.  It is understandable that you feel down, that Clomid is the devil's work and makes you feel really cranky.  We all understand what you are going through, we all share your pain.  That is why this is such a great place, we can all come on here and vent and it just helps a little to share that load and know that the people reading know where you are coming from.  Take care of yourself and have that glass of wine  

Susie hun - I am sorry you have been feeling rubbish too.  I think we all seem to have cycles of feeling okish and then it hits us again and we feel down.  Try and enjoy the break with your gorgeous DS and remember you have those   waiting for you.  Not long now until you start and, who knows, it may work out for you yet.  Keep the faith and remember that whatever happens we are all here for you and   you get your BFP soon, god knows you deserve it.  I am glad to hear that you and DH are getting on a bit better, I am sure the counselling will help.  I think it is helping me and DH.  Also, thanks for your words of support, it means a lot  

Pand/Missy -  

Cinders - my room has got damp in the corner and a funny smell, how about yours?  I must get onto the landlord about that.  And those trains outside the window are a bit much, my room shakes every time they go past. 

Emma - how are you?  Hope you are ok, you've gone all quiet again  

RLH - glad you are becoming a regular poster, we are all friendly here and I think it helps us all to know there are others out there in our situation, it makes us feel more normal.  

Lyndalou - hey preggers!  How ya doing?  Has it sunk in yet?  

Whippet - I think your scan is next week.  Good luck hun, I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. I hope you see one (or two  ) lovely hb (s)  

FFH - how are you?  Any update on the IVF situation?  I think you had/have an appointment around this time with your consultant, any news?  Hope it went ok  

WBG - still feeling positive about this month?  I hope so.  

Tuck - I hope your holiday was good.

Jobo - you've gone quiet, where are you?  I hope you are ok  

Me - feeling a little better.  Will give this IVF my best shot and then re-assess the situation afterwards, that's all I can do.  Looking forward to Italy, we go Monday so I won't be around for a week.  Will miss you all - even when I don't post I check in most days and catch up on everyones' messages so it is strange when I'm away, I feel I am missing out somehow.  I hope you all have a good half term and enjoy spending time with your little ones.

My DD got a special award in assembly today for PE, bless her.  I was bursting with pride.  

Lots of love

Lainey x


----------



## lyndalou

Hey Lovely ladies

Off to the new forest today for a week. Think its a good idea because I am constantly worrying about my scan. Hopefully
this will take my mind off it. 

Hope your all having a good bank holiday weekend xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## bubblicous

hey ho everyone

well still no af here im expecting her tomorrow that would be my day 28 and the end of my normal cycle so we will wait and see the eating of sweet stuff has gone away thank god says me as im due back at hospital in may and wanted my bmi down at least one point if not two

how is everyone else xxx


----------



## bubblicous

af arrived just now so on with cycle 5


----------



## cinders35

Oh Bubs,
Stoooopid ole' witch  .   .
You resigned to it, or inconsolable? I used to vary month, by month!
Hope you enjoy your glass of wine hun  .
Love to everyone,
Too tired for personals, sorry  .
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi girls

Well, I am off to Italy in the morning, can't wait, it's poured hard all day here  

Went out with my BF last night and, after saying I was going to take it easy as I have to pack today, I got well and truly wasted.  So, feeling a bit spaced out today and packing is only half done.  Need an early night, need to leave here at 6am tomorrow morning  

Bubbs   sorry AF arrived, hope you are ok about it.  At least you are ov now, that must mean your chances are good.

Lyndalou and Whippet - try to stay sane while waiting for your scans.  I hope they go ok.

Hi to everyone else.  See you when I'm browner  

Lainey x


----------



## whippet

Thanks Lainey have a fantastic holiday

whippet x


----------



## Pand

Hi girlies,

Seems like I've missed everyone this week!!!  Lainey and Lyndalou, I hope you have lovely holidays!

Bubs - I'm really sorry AF turned up.  Sometimes it seems like the only thing in life we can rely on.  I'm like Cinders, sometimes I used to be inconsolable, other times resigned.  These days I  actually expect it.  It doesn't make it any easier.  But hang on in there hun.  Have a large glass of wine then on with the next cycle.  

Whippet - I think your scan is tomorrow isn't it?  You must be petrified, I know I would be.  You haven't chatted much on here, and I suspect you are trying to be tactful, but most of us have been where you are at some point and we all understand how desperately wanted your pregnancy is.  So come and chat if you need to today, as I'm sure you will be able to think of nothing else.  I have everything crossed for you and am sending lots of positive vibes.

Cinders - where are you on the rollercoaster today?!  I just ate a large ice-cream and I think you're a few carriages back from me, so standby for flying ice-cream!!!!


Susie - I really fancy getting hold of a WII fit!!  Is it any good?  How are you feeling at the mo?

Jo - I should be about on Friday if you fancy meeting up?

Tuck - I think it was you who had their due date on the 19th am I right?  Sorry I didn't message earlier.  I hope you're ok and that you managed to get through it.  I can remember so clearly how painful it was.  

Hi to everyone else!!

I'm having a lovely bank holiday weekend with ds and dh.  Little ds has taken to coming downstairs and getting his own cereals and watching CITV so we can have a lie in and it has been heavenly!!

Went to a family get together yesterday though.  My 1 year old nephew was there as was Matthew's two year old second cousin.  There was much talk about further siblings for them and whilst it was a lovely day, I came home feeling so very sad.  Whilst I'm ok most of the time, and am determined to make the most of the time I have with ds as a little boy, it still hurts so much that I will probably never have any more children or be pregnant again.  I find myself not being able to believe that this has happened to me.  It's just so damn unfair.  I really wish I knew what I had done to deserve this.  I am dreading the next family pregnancy announcement as I know there will be a few.  There just seems no end to all the heartache sometimes.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.  I feel like my IF journey is over, but the pain is going to go on for ever.  Sorry to be so depressing!!!  I'm ok again today, and I'm sure the two glasses of wine last night didn't help!  I will make sure we do something lovely today to cheer me up!!


I have to say the sad times are getting much fewer and farther between but I just want to go back to being normal and not ever having those sad times.  Is it so much to ask?  I'm slowly accepting that this is my lot in life, you'd think the least life could do is stop the hurt wouldn't you!!??

Anyway, I'm off to play lego now.  Speak soon everyone and have a lovely half term!

Pand


----------



## whippet

Thanks ladies for all the well wishes. Have to confess I called the clinic this morning and got them to change my appointment to today cause could wait no longer. Anyway have 1 very healthy heartbeat she didnt know if beside junior was an egg sac or something else without a heartbeat as yet so she said definately 1 but she wouldnt bet her salary on it staying that way, who knows. Delighted with 1 will find out more at 13 week scan. Oh also she, another nurse and the embryologist all said how big junior is measured 1.9cm x 3.9cm not mm. Hope everyone else has had such a fab day as me.

whippet x


----------



## cinders35

Wow Whippet,
Fantastic news hun!!
You must be so very relieved!

Pand,
You could have had vanilla, this raspberry ripple is gonna stain!!!!  
I am ok ta.
My counselling is delving deep into childhood, and is very draining. But I think will help me to understand why I feel so strongly about not wanting to be a family of three. 
I came out of hibernation on sat, and went to bf's house for the day. She has 3 kids. I managed to see the negative side of having a big family. She doesn't have a minute to herelf, and spends much of the time refereeing between them all. I'm not kidding myself, what I want more than anything else in the world is a sibling for dd, but if I can't have it, then I need to focus on what I can give her such as lot's of time and attention. I could see with the best will in the world my bf won't be able to give all 3 of hers that kind of attention. They will benefit in other ways I know, but whose to say one way is better than the other? It's just different. I have to make the most of this, for dd sake.

Caio' Lainey,

Hope yu are eating lovey food, and buying nice things!  

Lynda,
Hope you ae enjoying your break and feeling well.

Jobo, hope you are ok hun  .

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Whippit great news honey  

Hello cinders big   to you 

Pand hello honey glad you are doing ok big   to you too

Bubbs i am so sorry your af arrived  

I have bad pmt today (very moody ) i am upset about this and it has made it worse as i now know it's not happened again this month as each month goes by i feel it all slipping further out of reach .To make matters worse my doctor said i have to be ttc a year   before they will referrer me and i am worried time will pass and if i want to do egg share i will be to old by the time it happens i will be 34 1/2 by the time i get referred .sorry for the moan but i feel it's not going to happen   I did try to forget it this month but our body won't let that happen will it .I have had really bad pains in back and a nose bleed and achy (.)(.) and cystitis  

 to everyone wouldbegreat


----------



## bubblicous

hey ladies

i expected af to come so wasnt to upset 

im shattered took my clomid today then trotted off to work fun or wot spent the whole hot sunny day stuck inside   whilst hubby and kids had fun in the sun  
anyway im feeling good apart from being tired very positive    i have a feeling this maybe the one for us just somthing in the mater me thinks    
the dates etc would be perfect as id be pregnant for my sisters wedding but not to big that i wouldnt fit in the dress
im having a positve mental attitude this time round no more thinking it wont work or worrying about it (though easier said than done i guess) 

ive been doing alot of walking over the past week which has made me feel fab and i have another long walk to my friends who lives way in town planned for tomorrow going to go see her and her gorg wee bubba girl whos now 9 weeks old how time flies

lainey - yeah it was good i ovd but i did that 1st month too on 50mg then on the next 2 i didnt so im not sure if it means the same may happen this time but im having a positive attitude towards it the now 

whippet - fab news babes xxx

anyway just a quickie from me tonight will get on tomrorow and do personals 

kiss to all


----------



## tuck

Hello Ladies

Well I'm back from my hols, so much to catch up on so will save personals for later but just thought I'd pop by and say hi.

We had a fantastic holiday in Spain , weather was beautiful and I'm so proud of myself... I flew .. for the first time in 12 years,  talking real phobia here (even went on train to Italy for honeymoon as too terrified to fly anywhere).  I got some valium at the Drs which I didn't need, I just had alot of alcohol and there were tears involved but no hysteria or panic I'm pleased to say.  This change of mindset has come about since the horrible events of last year and an attitude of try to live each day to the full as really I am very lucky to be here.

Resort was lovely only booked it last thurs (we went on Sun).   Was very proud of ds, he is such a sociable lively lovable creature (know i'm biaised but i've been told so also) and he found his place with the other kids all on his own (which i feel so guilty about - you know the score) and really got loads from the hols.  Other kids were great - and played with him or should i say tolerated him but he had a fantastic time - I'm so lucky that if he is going to stay an only child that he is so outgoing and socially confident.  

It was good for me and dh to get away too - on the Mon it was the due date of my 2nd would have been baby   thanks for remembering pand   it was difficult but I tried to make the most of the sit. we are in now and looking at the positives of that as some of you have also said - more time with ds etc Dh didn't really acknowledge it -when I mentioned it he just said 'I feel it differently to  you' I know he doesn't see it as losing a baby and can't quite get it - that's just his way of dealing with it I guess.

Whilst there were loads of larger families on hols and very young parents at that,  there were also a few only children which ds made a beeline for and i didn't really think too much about that side of things whilst out there.  Hey we're getting there....  Also got af whilst out there and again wasn't too upset I was expecting her although not so early .  I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate properly this month, I had no signs at all and was in fact still waiting..

Anyway enough about me i can see a lot has gone on 

whippet - i'm delighted to read your news so reassuring

lyndalou - good news on your scan honey and everything crossed for your next - hope your enjoying new forest.

Pand and cinders35 so much of what you say re. the acceptance bit rings true with me and I think I'm coming  prematurely perhaps to some kind of  acceptance of us being the 3 of us, perhaps it is part of the grieving process of losing 2 on this journey, perhaps it is easier that way - if I think it will never happen then I can't get hurt if/when it doesn't or perhaps I need to just give myself that time to enjoy the 3 of us again if that makes sense but again my mood changes all the time and its those little knocks (like the family occasion you mentioned pand) that really rub salt in those wounds. You ladies sound so strong .  Glad the counselling seems to be helping cinders.

laineylou - hope italy's fantastic and well done your dd.

bubbs    glad your feeling positive - have you been in the same country as me today - all it has done in Sunny Suffolk is rain rain rain very depressing after coming back from the sun.

wouldbegreat   sorry you feeling rough at the mo hun.

susie,  how are you - how was the folk festival, and well done on the weight loss.  I have tonight signed up to weight watchers on line, it is well whizzy works out points at click of a button and tracks weight loss.  Thought it may motivate me with an online record rather than write it down.  Put on so much weight on hols but did have fry up every am  and copious amounts of gin and wine every night.

Well I had better go, turned into a longer post than I meant and its late though my body clock is up the creek.  Hope you are all enjoying time with your little ones off school.

Take care 

Tuckxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hey girls,

Glad you had a good hol Tuck. Sounds like it did you good  .
It seems that we all share the same emotions, up and down like yo yo's aren't we? One day we can cope, the next we feel like we are falling apart   !
I have just packed dd off with dp, they are going to visit Nanny, and will be away for 2 nights! I am trying not to panic, but am not used to being away from her! I am aware that I could so easily become an overprotective, or worse overbearing mum, and so I'm fighting hard against it!!!
I need to let her go a little bit some times, she is with her daddy after all!!!

WBG, sorry you are feeling down about it all. It's horrible to have that desperate feeling, and dr's telling you you have to wait. Fertility treatment involves a lot of waiting!! Wish I was a more patient person!!!

AF has arrived today, I was expecting it, as felt as though I had ovulated 2 weeks ago. I find it amazing that I know my body so well. But it is fairly hard to ignore, as I get fairly rampant at ov time!!!     !! Not 17 times rampant though WBG!!!  
It is first af since m/c, and I guess another hurdle to get through. I saw it this morning, and thought 'I should be 13 weeks pg now.'    I have made a point of not working out what would have been my due date, but at this rate I'm going to know anyway, because every week I think I should have been x weeks pg.

I don't think it will ever happen for me again now. Don't know why I think that, but I do.

I am still grateful for my bfp though, it made me so very very happy for that short time, and I would never want to have missed out on that, despite everything.

Getting a bid morbid now, so think I'l go.

House is like a tip.

Think I might put some loud music on, and get my duster out!!

Love to all,

Cindersxxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hi  

Cinders Im sorry af has turned up and made your mc so vivid again life is such a b**** sometimes   these feelings can be so lonely can't they wish i could come for a cuppa and we could put the world to rights  

I phoned the doctors for my result of urine test and all clear no infection   so thats good .

I wonder what all the pain has been  

I really need some motivation today


----------



## cinders35

WBG,
I'l put the kettle on, but only have one choccy biccy left, so you'll have to bring some more!!!
Been mooching around boards, really need to get my act together with the house now!!!
Love
Cindersxxx
p.s have bumped up your bubbles a bit to motivate you!


----------



## SUSZY

Morning girls
you have been chatting loads again but its so nice that we are all here for each other.

Whippet - excellent news on the scan, so excited for you and the possibility of more than one!!!! anyway well done and I agree with Pand that you might be not coming on here much because of us but we have all been there and it is nice to hear your news.  we will all get withdrawal symptoms.

jobo how are you , you have gone a bit quiet, probably just busy on half term, thinking of you

wendeth - how are you you, whats the news on the house etc etc

jo83 how are you sweetheart ? not heard from you for a while

Tuck - you brave girl re flying and sounds like the holiday did you the world of good and that ds had a wonderful time too.
You sound in a really good place at mo although am sorry about the anniversary. So glad ds so socialable,mine is like that too and seems to be able to play with all ages no problem he is just a bit quiet at school!
the folk festival was good and all the jamming around the pubs and camp fire fun, I got home at 4am on Sat/sun morning a record even for me!!!!!  it was fun although am tired and we are having a slow start to the day today!  We all feel the same emotions and think each one of us could have written each others posts thats why its so nice to have each other and to be able to share.

lyndllou - so pleased re your scan and have a good holiday think its a good idea to get away for a while

cinders - i know its hard when you are away from them but think it will be doing both daddy and dd good and you can have some me time! It sounds like the counselling you are having is really good i wish I could get to the bottom of why I feel so insecure - I do like the one at the hospital but am surprised she left it like she did the last session and did not phone to see how I was.  Sorry about af but know what you mean I dont even think that is going to happen these days.  you really really want it but have to resign yourself that its not going to happen as a kind of self preservation mechanism.  Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs    . I agree with you about trying to focus on the positives of only have one and when i see mum run ragged I am thankful I have one who is so good not that I dont desperately want another.

pand - I so know what you mean about these get togethers, it just takes a couple of probably innocent comments to put me over the edge and upset me, i think we are so sensitive to it all that it does not take much to remind us of what we dont have.  Its so hard sweetheart and you have been so strong - keep up the good work.  I am off to meet my anetental group at a play barn and they all have two or three each including quite a young baby and its not easy and I just look at each of the second ones and wish it were me and remember each and everyone of the painful times. The WII fit is good but am not the house champion on some of the things now, have not been on it as much recently but its good for the weight!  hope you enjoyed the lego.

missy - hope you are ok darling, we are missing you! Let us know what you have been up to.

ffh how are you sweetheart, thinking of you too

rlh how are you sweetheart, you have gone a bit quiet we are all here for you

lainey - hope you have a lovely time in Spain and enjoy the break and thanks as ever for your wonderful supportive comments it means the world and you are right I do have those frosties and have two months to get into shape mentally etc.  Really have fun in Italy and we look forward to hearing all about it.  you must have been so proud when dd got that award!

bubbs sorry re af its a real pain in the bum I really hated the clommid and would cry every time my af came.

emma  hope you are ok

wbg hope you are ok and that the pmt has passed

gab and honeyprincess hope you are both ok

love hugs etc to everyone else.
enjoy the rest of half term, we are going to be out and about a bit at different places, play barns etc, be nice if the good weather could come back.

Just going to tell you one little story and sorry if it makes you cry, ds was in the bath and i thought I just need to read this little bit ,so I said to him - he is 6 mind you - can you wash yourself he said no but I insisted so there he is washing himself and all his bits looking so big and grown up and I looked up at him and as i have often said to him " What have you done with my baby? have you eaten him? he said No mummy I am still your baby I am just all grown up - I then looked down as the tears sprung to my eyes (like now) and he said mummy are you crying and I said yes its just you were such a georgous baby and i so want to have that again and to share that with you as in for us all to have a baby.
This is for all of us brave, strong women who so deserve to hold that special baby again
        
      
         
           
love 
susie


----------



## tuck

oh darling you made me cry   but in a nice way.............. i'll 2nd that      

tuckxxx


----------



## jobo5572

Hi everyone.  Sorry to all of you who've been wondering where I've been - I'm afraid it's nowhere but the big black pit I seem to have fallen in to, and I just haven't felt up to posting.  I don't want to make you all fed up with me for moaning all the time or feeling sorry for myself and I just can't find any motivation.  I just feel so desperate and it's like the ticking of the clock is getting louder and louder in my ears and it's driving me mad.  I feel really bad that I haven't been through even half of the stuff that some of you have been through, and for the fact that apparently everything with me is "normal" and there aren't any problems to contend with etc., but the fact that it's all "unexplained" just makes it worse - if there's no problem, then why ain't it happening  ?!

I've had my counselling appointment through for the 16th June and I'm dreading it.  Not sure if it's intended for just me or both me & DH to go to, but quite frankly I don't think he needs it - he is fine with the situation and his life would carry on as normal if we never had another - and this has caused endless rows as he has no concept of where I am, nor is he willing to be supportive. For me, I can't even begin to contemplate life without another.  I am fed up of comments like "well crying isn't going to help" - like I bring on the tears on purpose.  I would prefer to go on my own - I can see us having a blazing row in the counsellors room if we go together as he'll come out with comments that show that we're not of the same line of thinking etc.  Does anyone know what the clinic will be expecting, i.e. just me, or both of us ?

I've got to go away for 2 days (1 night) next week on a training course - it will be the first time I have ever left DS and I am really not looking forward to it and am getting myself in a right state about it  .  Whilst all my friends have left their kid(s) on many an occasion and don't bat an eyelid about it, in fact they revel in the idea, I am really bothered by it.  When he was a baby I couldn't face leaving him (long story all to do with him being taken away from me at birth which all came out during counselling for PND) so it didn't bother me, and as the years have gone by, as we don't have any family nearby and DH works ridiculous shifts, we've never had the need to go away without him, or even out for an evening and get a babysitter in !  So it has just been that I'm always there, we never have time apart (that sounds ridiculous - he goes to nursery and pre-school whilst I'm at work and I have left him during the days for a few hours at weekends etc. but I've never left him at night), and I'm fine with that, though there is a little voice inside my head telling me that it has to be done sometime, for his benefit as much as mine.  Sorry, I'm waffling and talking tripe.  Hope you get what I mean.

I have DS's birthday party to arrange for the end of June - yet another year has gone by without a sibling for him so I am so upset about that  .  I'm also getting really narked thinking about the kids that'll be invited to the party as they all have younger siblings - am I being really nasty by not wanting to invite them ?  It's just I don't like situations where I'm surrounded by kids and younger siblings, nor do I want DS to notice that he doesn't have one, and never mind the fact that it'll cost me a ruddy fortune to be feeding an extra 2/3 kids per invitee.  I know this may cause problems for some people who will have to bring younger siblings along too, but I just can't bear it.  I am so bitter and twisted I know.  I didn't used to be like this and I hate what IF has done to me.

Anyway, I must stop going on  .

Cinders - hope you're OK whilst DD is away.  You know where we are if you're not.  Sorry you have the constant thoughts of how many weeks PG you would've been - that must be tough.  I hope your counselling is helping.    

Pand - you are one super dooper lady.  It's great that you feel able to look after and support other people but I hope that you are also looking after yourself too.  It's so hard isn't it when there's the almost constant reminder that we don't have more than one child and there always seems to be PG announcements.  Thanks for all your lovely comments/texts.  I will be in touch re Friday.    

Suszy - sorry I've not felt up to posting.  Didn't want to inflict my negative thoughts onto everyone.  I must get a grip.  Your story about DS in the bath was very sad.  Trouble is they grow up so quickly don't they ?  It is hard to think that we may not have the opportunity to go through all that again isn't it ?  If I'd have known that this was going to happen I'd have cherished every moment with DS even more than I do now.  Glad you had a good time at the festival.    

Laineylou - glad your counselling went well.  I'm scared they might ask me & DH to write to each other - I dread to think what would be written.  Sorry to hear the consultant appointment wasn't so good - why are these consultants always men ?!  They have no appreciation of where we are and wouldn't know a hormone if it slapped them in the nadgers.  Hope you have a fantastic time in Italy you lucky girl ! 

WBG - re the sperm test - I remember DH had to abstain from BMS for 3 days prior to the sample, then had to do it in the morning and have the sample at the hospital within half an hour.  On the 2 occasions he had to do it, I made sure I was out of the house.  He asked me if I'd help him "do it" and I told him to go forth and multiply !  At the end of the day, he was getting some pleasure out of what he had to do, whereas I'd been prodded/poked/looked at from every angle and had had enough ! I am so mean !

FFH - thanks for the info you PM'd me.  I still haven't sorted myself out, tut tut  .  Half the time at work and around others I seem to pretend that it isn't happening and appear that the world is rosy when quite frankly I'm being eaten up inside and could just cry constantly.  I know I should sort myself out.  Are you any further down the line about thinking of IVF ?  

Bubbs - Clomid is so nasty - it made me into a monster.  Having said that, as I don't have any any more I'm now worried that I'll go back to not ovulating and therefore won't stand a chance.  Glad you're feeling positive - can you send some positivity my way please !  Stay positive   and look after yourself  

Tuck - glad you enjoyed your holiday, and well done you for flying !!!

RLH - hope you're OK.

Missy - miss you on here but thanks for your texts.  Look after yourself    

Everyone else -     .  Sorry to anyone I've missed - it's not intentional.

Well my tummy is rumbling.  I started Slimming World last week as I am a big fat lump of lard and need to have my jaw wired and my stomach stapled I think.  I find the whole diet thing so hard as I am the world's biggest comfort eater, turning to food when I am down - and if I'm feeling low I don't turn to a bowl of lettuce to help me out, it's chocolate.  I've never been told that my weight is an issue with ttc, but I'm sure it isn't helping - poor DH can't get near me for my saggy baby pouch  .  I got vouchers for my birthday weeks ago for a Wii fit but they have been out of stock ever since I wanted one - perhaps someone is trying to tell me something - like stay being a couch potato  ?!?!?

Loads of love to all of you and thank you for listening.


----------



## SUSZY

jobo - just wanted to say I so agree with you re the parties and I get so worked up every year about it.  i dont mind the ones who have invited him but the ones that just bring their younger ones along it really pisses me off and I get really stressed about it. its like the younger ones will have a party some of them and not invite ds and yet expect to come to  his (some are really nice and know me and do invite ds as he plays well with the younger ones) but others are so ignorant to it it.  It all comes down to the fact once again that I wish we all lived near each other so we could go through these stresses and strains together.
I did not dwell too much on my missing one this pm as it was really crowded in the play barn and I would have only worried and hopefully tomorrow it will be the same as it wont be in my face to much.
Sorry you feel so down - I do understand and think a lot of us are going through it again, we need that meet up and soon as we all felt so comfortable and relaxed together and it was like we could take on the world.
Try not to worry about leaving ds too much luckily my mum has had ds loads of times so I dont have that to content with but can understand how worrying it is.  You will be able to get advice from Cinders and you never know you might even enjoy the free time.
I am sorry dh not being as supportive as he could I really dont think they understand what its like.
love to you and everyone else
Anyway enjoy the rest of half term.
love
susie


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Can't stop as DH just gone to get a takeaway, will be back any sec.  Have been to the Lakes over the weekend and just got back, had a fab time,, weather was quite good, no rain at all!!!  Off to Center parcs on Fri so will probably spend the whole weekend staring at pushchairs and pregnant bellies    but will try and enjoy it for dd's sake as she loves going.  I think like some of you others were saying that I'm getting used to the idea of it being just the 3 of us.

Just wanted to say

Whippet - Fab news about your scan, I'm so pleased for you  

My appointment was cancelled last week and changed to this Thursday, but I might see if I can change it to next week as I don't really want any bad news before we go away. I just don't feel like it this week, being half term and everything.  But I don't think IVF is on the menu for us so I'm not expecting much from it anyway!!


----------



## RLH33

Hiya everyone

Sorry I haven't posted - took me a few days to ponder on what the Consultant said last Monday but I have now come out the other side.  I decided that maybe when I had the scan and he said I had ov that the blood test came back neg as I had only just ov and it wouldn't therefore show up.  Blagged another test last week at the Drs and have to ring tomorrow for the results.  I reckon, but will probably be proved wrong, that I did ov but late and that the last test will show that.  Af was supposed to come along last Thurs but didn't and there is no sign of her yet either   I am now feeling a lot more positive as I got the clomid from the chemist last week so when AF does come I at least have some treatment - altho your comments about it are worrying me just a little bit!!!  

I had a good weekend, spent Saturday clearing an area of the garden for a climbing frame for ds, went to see Indi on Sunday at the cinema and spent yesterday chilling with some friends.  Work today - not so good but it pays the bills.  Really looking forward to going to Center Parcs at Longleat, Wiltshire, in a couple of weeks, ds is really excited - getting a bit addicted though - this is the third time we have been in 9 months - it is a bit sad really - it is only down the road, just round the corner from where I do the food shopping sometimes and we don't even leave our postal area     I do love it though.

I am starting another cake decorating course tomorrow which will be fun - sugarcraft flowers this time.  This whole IF thing has made me wonder what I am going to do when ds goes to school next Sept - not this year - I mean Sept 09 - what am I like!!  I don't want to go back to work any more days than I currently do, I work for a Local Authority as a Planning Officer, which is really stressful at times.  I want to be able to pick ds up from school and drop him off etc like any other Mum and won't be able to do that if I work.  I have therefore decided that I will start doing the cakes more and actually advertise etc and try to make it into a little business. My way of dealing with all this is to keep myself busy - one child, two dogs, one horse, stressful job, secretary of the local Pre-school and the local Toddler group plus cake decorating - oh and I also have to do dh's VAT returns and help him when he gets in a mess with his books!!  I must be mad!

Jobo - I am sure that you can go on your own to counselling if you want to, I am sure they won't find that unusual.  My friend did it and found it really helpful.  Good luck on your time away from ds - I have left my ds at my mil and mum's house overnight but it took me until he was about 18mths old to do it and even then I go and pick him up asap in the morning.  It is hard.  Regarding the party - how old is your son - can't the parents leave the children and go - then they don't have to bring the younger children along ?

Bubbs - what are you talking about sunshine - it was like November here yesterday - my new double glazed door leaked all over the mat it was sooooooo wet    Another job to add to the DH's list!!  My horse has been staying out at night and I thought with the rain I had better get him in and when I did he was just standing there shivering - poor thing.  Glad to see you are thinking more positive though.

Pand - I know what you mean about family announcements/gatherings - my mum told me the other day that my cousin is now pregnant with her seventh child by father No 3 who is apparently not a lot older than her oldest son.  She has only got one tube after an ectopic - some people are ridiculously fertile - but on the downside she did lose her first to meningitis when she was 19mths which was really hard.  

I am not at the stage yet where I get upset holding other people's babies, I have a cuddle with my friends babies (everyone seems to have had a second recently) all the time and gave a bottle to one the other day - it amazed me how awkward I felt holding her etc when it was only two years ago I was giving a bottle to my ds 

Wouldbegreat - when I found out it could take a year for the depo to clear out of my system I went and enrolled on the cake decorating course - it gave me something else to look forward to and think about - is there anything you are interested in that you might like to try?  34 and a half next year - you are the age as me then - a spring chicken no less - the clock isn't even ticking!!!! - she says trying to convince herself!!

Suszy - Your story was sad and sweet all at the same time - when I ask my ds if he wants a brother or sister he says YUK no way!!!

Cinders - I hope you have got your couple of days away from dd planned out - go and do all the stuff that you can't when they are around - cinema, night out with the girls, shopping - the possiblities are endless.  Sorry about your AF, it must be hard having just had a mc.

Tuck - glad you had a great time on holiday - well done on facing those fears - there's no stopping you now - where are you going next?  Sometimes you need to get things into perspective and think of all the good things about life rather than the bad.  

Whippet - good news on the scan, one is brilliant, two would be a bonus.  I am getting slightly concerned about the references to twins I am getting at the mo - the consultant said Clomid has a higher risk of twins, so did the paperwork with the pills and so did his letter to the GP then I thought noooooooo they are just saying that - but then thought if he goes to the trouble of pointing it out surely the risk must be pretty high - plus my Nan had twin sisters - my mate has twins and her nan had twin sisters and another friend went to a spiritualist who said someone close to her would have twins - I am getting just a teeny bit paranoid   

That's enough from me - I am waiting for stupid Tesco to deliver the shopping AGAIN - it saves time but it is really hard to find two hours when I am definitely in the house so end up getting it delivered late in the evening!!

Sorry if I have missed anyone            to everyone.

Just tried to post this and two more posts had come up

Faithfullyhoping - damn I had forgotten about the pregnant bellies at Center Parcs - never mind - think on the bright side - they can't go down the rapids and slides but we can      Which one are you going to

RLH


----------



## emsylou

hi evryone, sorry i dissappeared, i had a very long bank holiday weekend, i went to my parents caravan and the wheel baring decided to give in as i was leaving to come back home, the mechanic said that if i had driven 10 more yards then the wheel would have fallen off so i am so glad it happened just before i got onto the motorway. well we had to stay an extra 2 days, not that im glad of the extra few days though as it rained the whole time   well i was so relieved to be home last night, and i took my p plates off yesterday   

am not feeling like it is going to be my month this time again, i have got very bad back ache and cramps like i do evry month so am guessing that af is going to happen any time soon.   me and dh have been talking and we decided that we are going to have a look into egg share, i dont know if id be able to do it though as i havnt been ovulating so i dont know how it all works yet, but am going to have a look into it. 

im sorry for not doing any personals but i have got so much to read up on. Feels like i havnt been on for ages.

love you all xxxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

BFN for me this morning   af due moday


----------



## RLH33

bfn for me as well, spoke to Dr this morning who told me last weeks blood test showed I didn't ovulate last month but because I am technically a week late told me to take a pg test anyway as the blood tests aren't that accurate!!  

I explained that the consultant had said that the scan showed I had ovulated but that two sets of blood tests said I hadn't and he basically said ignore the blood tests and go with what the consultant is saying   Bit confused about all this now and have been a bit down today but have decided to trust the consultant as he must know what he is talking about!!  Just have to wait for AF to come now before starting Clomid - for once I am wishing it would hurry up  

RLH
RLH


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Morning All


Sorry feel really bad that haven't done a proper post for ages, I'll try to catch up now!

RLH - I'm going to Elveden Center Parcs, just about to start ironing in preparation! Have a great time at longleat - I've been there in the past it's very pretty isn't it?  It sounds very confusing about whether you're ovulating or not, I hope you manage to get it sorted soon.
Sorry for your bfn.

wouldbegreat - sorry about your bfn too hun..  

Cinders - How are you doing? AF has a horrible way of reminding us of everything we don't want to be reminded of doesn't she?  I'm glad that you can think of your bfp as a happy but short lived experience, I guess if you can just take a little positive out of an awful experience then it's good for you.  


Suszy - your story brought tears to my eyes too hun. 
Hope you've been enjoying your half term with ds.

Pand - I saw you posting on the new moving on thread.  I think that what you said about never properly being able to switch off from it is so true, and also people not really understanding the weight that we carry around with us all of the time unless they've walked in our shoes for a mile. If only we could flick that switch! 

jobo - Make time for yourself, it'll really help,  honest!!!

Emma - sorry about your car trouble, they're nothing but money! Hope Af stays away, but if not I think discussing egg share is something positive to focus on for the time being.

Bubbs - Sorry Af showed her face again, hope the Clomid does her stuff this month!!

Missyb - missing you, hope you're doing OK and that the break is doing you good.

Must go and get on, got ironing and packing to do!

Lainey, emilycaitlin, Tuck and anyone else I've missed - Hi, hope you're enjoying half term.

Me moan warning!  DH is so grumpy at the moment, he keeps saying that nothing is going right, he crashed the car and still waiting for it to be repaired, his job isn't going that well, I can't get pregnant, and I'm on limbo with getting a job - I don't know what to say to him, other than that sometimes life is crap but that hopefully it will get better    
I changed our consultant appointment from today to 2 weeks today as we both felt we needed time to talk about it first, I don't know what I want any more, i thought after doing iui I would feel as though we'd given it a good shot but I don't feel ready to give up now it's come to it    but then i don't know if we've any options, if DH was happy to do ivf would I be? it's such a big step, but as I don't think he ever will be I supposed it's farly academic really.  I think I need to talk to him about it, but in his current grumpy state I'm not sure how to broach it really. Men!!!

Anyway, must go! Will catch up after the weekend   to everyone.

Faithful x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi wouldbegreat - wounds like a bit of a cock up    Men, honestly they only have to do this one thing and they have to make such a song and dance about it!!!  I'm sorry i don't know how long it takes, we got our results at the next consultant appointment which was about a month later I think (long time ago now!) but I think they can do the test quicker than that.  i'm sure somebody else will have more up to date info!!


----------



## cinders35

Hey ladies,
Bit squiffy, couple of glasses of wine, not used to drinking!
I have to say, I have had a really nice time at home alone!!! dp and dd have stayed an extra night in Norfolk, and so I have had the house to myself. I have eaten ready meals from m&s, drank wine, and consumed my own body weight in chocolate!!!
I am reaching a hefty weight just now, none of my clothes fit me!!!
But I'm not too worried, I know that I will deal with that later. i am comfort eating, and drinking, and gaining a lot of comfort from it!!!  as well as the weight .
I don't seem to be able to get down to things properley. I have spent nearly 3 days sorting my bureau out. It was in a right state, all my paperwork in complete mess! In reality, I think a day should have been enough, but I keep getting distracted, I loose my focus easily. Does anyone else feel like this? I feel that the IF has eaten into every area of my life, and I am so preoccupied with it, that I have left the other areas of my life slide. Does that make any sense?

Right now I should be tidying up, and putting the ironing away, so that in the morning I can flick round with the duster, hoover and clean the bathrooms before I go to counselling, as dp and dd will be back after that, but no, I'm on here chatting with you!! 

Looking for comfort again I think, from you guys . You guys that understand so well.

Anyway....

Faithful, you do sound so unsure of the next part of your journey. . It's so hard knowing what to do isn't it? Let alone facing up to the fact that you and dh might be feel differently about the situation. You are clearly very sensible in postponing your appointment for a couple of weeks. Hope you manage to agree what next hun. 
Hope you have a great time in cp, and just ignore the fertiles!!!!

WBG,
Sorry it is not your turn yet again this month hun . Men hey?  What are they like?!!!
Not sure how long before you get the results, maybe you could ask them when you drop off sample. How are you feeling?

RLH, if consultant said you ovulated from scan, and your af is late, should you not be testing Or have you done a test and thats why you said you were bfn? Sorry, blame the alcohol!
If I have not understood your situation correctly then please forgive me, I'l blame it on my brain being pickled in wine, and smothered in chocolate!!! 

Emma, lucky escape with the wheel about to fall off!! 
Sounds like a good idea to egg share . You don't need to worry about not ovulating, because they will do that for you with the drugs! Hope it works out for you hun, if that's the route you go . One of the girls at work (2 had ttc for a few years with her new partner, turned out to be a sperm problem. She did egg share and got pg first time! I know sometimes these stories are really annoying, I hope this isn't .

Suszy darling, how are you?
I am so envious when I read about you out till 4am, going to festivals! Life sounds so chilled for you, I am envious. I feel like I want to live life on the wild side a bit. But I'm too boring, too much of a good girl!!
My counsellor suggested I try some alternative therapies to try and 'rebalance' myself, she rated reiki quite highly. I have never tried it. Have been looking it up on the internet. Just wondering what to expect, and finding it difficult to decide on a practitioner. Any advice?
Have also been checking out the classes at my gym, and am going to see if I can do a yoga one. i have only ever done it with geri haliwell on her dvd, so not too experienced! But preferred that to a pilates class I once tried.
This time alone, as allowed me to think a bit, and to write lists of things I need to do. I am a bit scatty really, and without a list, nothing gets done. Nothing more satisfying to me than crossing off things on a list!
Anyway, looking forward to our meet up...

ANY MORE TAKERS FOR THE SIF MEET UP IN THE SUMMER? AS WE WILL HAVE TO SORT OUT A DATE VERY SOON. PLEASE SEE THE OTHER THREAD, OR PM IF YOU'RE INTERESTED. SHALL WE SAY DEADLINE IS A WEEK TODAY?

Also have any of you tried Bach's rescue remedy, counsellor thought I might find that useful too. Squirting that on my tongue as required!!!!

Jobo, thinking of you hun. I know where you are at hun, I am just a bit further on than you in the journey.  Don't apologyse for how you are feeling because you think other people have been through more than you (I do that too ), because you are just as entitled to your pain and misery as the next person, you go girl!!!

Missy, hope you are getting it together girl  ! We look forward to your return when you are good and ready!

Lainey, Ciao, b*ggar, can't spell it. Wanted to sound italian for you, oh well. You get it yeah? Hope you are having nice sophis time. I am having great time, being saddo drinking alone, don't worry about me hun, no, really......!!

My luverley Pand,
Hope you are having a great half term with your boy...  i loved your moving on post, sorry for spying!!! Also loved Mrs Chaos reply.  I want to stop hurting, and stop feeling sad now. Not sure I've any fight anymore....

To our pregnant ladies, you continue to give us hope....Dizzy, lynda, and Whippet   

Well ladies...

At the moment, the thought of doing more treatment, is worse than the thought of not doing any.

Blimey....

Love

Cindersxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi girls, 

Just a quickie today, as am due a visitor!

Cinders, this one is for you really my love.  I too comfort ate and piled on 2 stone!!!!  I went up to 13 stone!  You're absolutely right tho, the weight is something you can deal with further down the line.  I've only just felt like doing anything about it now!  

I have no problems with you "spying" on the Moving On post.  If I didn't want to share my feelings I wouldn't post!!!  Hun, I am in a much better place than I have been for a long time, but don't be fooled.  I'm far from over it!  Blarted twice this week and still desperately want a baby, but just feel more resigned to it not happening!  I so want it all to go away too.  I want it to stop hurting altogether, but I really don't think it ever will.  You are doing exceptionally well given the circumstances, so don't expect too much from yourself.  You're like me.  You want to be over it and to move and get some control back, but as I'm sure your counsellor has probably told you, it doesn't happen like that.  There's no short cuts or fast forward buttons.  I'll keep dragging you along with me tho!  I still hope that one day a miracle will happen!!  I even started thinking about doing IVF again the other day, but then DH doesn't think it's the right thing to do, and I think deep down, neither do I!  It's just all so hard isn't it?

Anyway, just so you know, I think about you a lot and am sending you all my love.  Yoga is fantastic and I would strongly recommend it, and as for Reiki etc I think it's all worth a try.  It might not be for you, but it might also help!  I'm taking a homeopathic remedy on Tuesday, and will be banned from drinking for 4 weeks, no spicy food, garlic, raw onion, vinegar!  Eeek!!! No idea what I'm going to eat!  Will keep you all posted!

Love to EVERYONE else!

Pand


----------



## whippet

Pand and Cinders I put on 1 and half stone with 2 treatments and comfort and god knows how many more still to go on  

Just a quickie from me today ladies I am shattered its been a real emotional rollercoaster today. Sons exams finally finished today so got to tell him then other family members about the pregnancy and it all went great really emotonal. Flip side now SIL had EC today and they only got 2 eggs her and hubby gutted. Tried to say all the positive things about it only taking 1   she gets fertilisation really dont want her to go through what we had first time round  

whippet x


----------



## wouldbegreat

AF has arrived   its made me feel sick to be honest i knew it was coming but at the start of the month i really thought it was going to happen this month feel a bit numb and still got dh tperm test to get through yet   I want to get of this roller coaster now   

I suppose in a couple of days i will be up and fighting again   but for now its all to much


----------



## cinders35

Just a quicky ladies   !

Thank's pand, you are right, I want it to be over, and to stop hurting now!!!
I feel loads better, but I am waiting for pg announcements, as this would be the time I would have started telling people. That will mean they will be due around the same time as me. I'm worrying about something that hasn't even happened, omg I'm turning into my mother   !!

Whippet, piling on those pounds will all be worth it now   ! Best of luck to SIL.    

WBG, ahh hun, another month hey? You get off this ride, and I'll save your seat, you can get back on later! So sorry, really...   . 

Love to you ALL,

Cindersxxx
p.s off to 'body jam' don't think it's the strawberry kind tommorrow night, and yoga wednesday night! OMG, my poor body!


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## jobo5572

Hello lovely ladies - just a quickie as I'm pooped.

WBG & RLH - so sorry the awful witch got you again - why can't she just b*gger off and leave us all in peace ?   

Pand - thanks so much for Friday   .  Good luck for your homeopathy - I see chocolate and cake aren't on the banned list  .  

Cinders - enjoy your body jam and yoga - wish I could shift my lardy backside and sort something out !

Had a hellish day today - had a 5 month olds christening.  Found myself thinking throughout the entire service that I would probably never be in the position myself again of having a baby christened and got quite teary  .  Then it got worse......at the "do" afterwards, I was subjected to a table-full of couples (who all knew each other but I just happened to be sitting on the table with DS minding my own business) talking about my friend whose "accident" the christening was for (6 years after her 2nd was born) and harping on about how awful the thought of having another baby was (as they intermittently tended to the needs of their many children - no only children) in general, never mind with such a "big gap".  I so felt like turning around and saying "do you know what I'd do to have another baby ?".  I was so angry with them, yet also so deeply upset and I just wanted to tell them and all their kids to get knotted (how awful am I ?).  And then......I was handed the "accident" whilst the cake cutting got underway which, don't get me wrong, was OK, but then a random woman who I'd never met before came up to me after said "accident" had been handed back and asked me to hold her baby whilst she took some photos as she could "see that I had a way with babies".  Oh my god.  OK I know I'm over-sensitive to the situation, but I couldn't believe it !  Needless to say we left very shortly afterwards as I couldn't bear it any longer.

Also felt very betrayed yesterday by DH.  Again, I'm probably over-sensitive and ridiculously desperate, but I found out that he hadn't been taking his "well-man" vits, even though he swore that he had been (and I can't abide liars).  He's had them for a good 6 weeks to 2 months now and had promised me he was taking them.  When I challenged him after I looked in the packet (Miss Marple I ain't), he just said "get a grip woman".  All I'm trying to do is do everything I can to have another baby and one of the things I'd asked him to do was take these vits as I understand they help spermies.  That, teamed with him still sneaking around and hiding diet coke (bad for spermies apparently) and "bad" food, I just feel so betrayed and let down.  Am I being ridiculous ?

Am mid-month (ish) at the mo, but haven't bothered with the OPK pee sticks for the 1st time in years so haven't a clue whether I have or haven't.  I guess part of me doesn't want to know whether my body has gone back to not working again after the Clomid finished 2 months ago.  Have managed to coax DH into BMS a few times over the past week but tonight I was told that Ultimate Force was on the telly so I had "no chance".  Charming, eh ?  Men  

Anyway, must get off to bed.  Going away on a training course on Tuesday morning and it'll be the 1st time I've ever left DS overnight.  I won't see him from 7am Tuesday until about 8pm Wednesday and to me that's ages.  I feel dreadful and sick to the stomach already.  Broached the subject with him last night instead of just landing it on him, and he was very upset.  Dreading it.

So, just leaves me to say lots of love to you all       and I hope you don't all think I'm a complete fruitcake


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## lyndalou

Hi Ladies

Back from new forest. Had lovely time but it rained a lot. Feeling really healthy because we  and walked for
miles everyday [ usually to a pub] Has made the time go really quickly! Scan tommorow  baby will have grown.

Hope everyone is ok. Will read and catch up on everyones news xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## emsylou

hello, im sorry i havnt been doing proper posts but it as just been one thing after another, first we had a death in the family and thn my wheel bearing went and then i had my car window smashed and then he tried to come back and pinch my car, i have a huge swollen cheek from where my wisdom tooth has got infected, but hey at least it meant i had to go to the dentist and now my af has turned up thismorning and to top it all off my and dh are arguing like mad about evrything, we even had a full blown argument because i took the wrong turning to get to his moms.
i hust feel like im at the lowest of low right now, i keep trying to tell my self that the only way is up but i just can see me getting lower and im worried. I mean things are that bad i am not even bothered that my af has turned up.
i havnt slept properly since i had my car broken into, i sleep with my window wide open and im up at evry tiny noise, and dh is only concerned about him self, he had a couple of days off and didnt once get up with the girls for me to catch up on some sleep, he just slept in untill 10 evry b!oody morning, ggrrr.

any way moan over,  

lyndalou-glad you had a nice time hun, and il do lots of     for you sweets,      

jobo5572-am so sorry to hear about how you was feeling at the christening, i cant stand it when people have "accidents" it makes me so mad. Its not fair is it, its so easy for some people and then we are left here struggling and waiting for a much wanted baby, why couldnt it be that easy for us all? Aww i cant imagine how you are feeling about leaving your ds for the first time, tell your ds you will buy him a little present, he would spend the time wondering what you are getting him, and would have something to look foreward to. Hope your ok?  

wouldbegreat-sorry your af turned up hun, i know exactly how you feel about wanting to get off of this rollercoaster, its so hard but but keep fighting, good things come to those who wait, i am a strong believer in that saying.  

whippet-how are you sweets?  

pand-good luck with your homoepathy, eewww no vinegar, what do you have on your chips then, i have to have mine soaked in vinegar  

cinders-hiya sweetie, how are you? comfort eating is ok hun, especially when its loads of chocolate, well thats what i tell my self   i understand what you are saying about IF working its way into evry corner of your life, i havent had any tx yet but i still feel like it is constantly on my mind, i will try and think about something else and i will slowly start thinking about ttc again, and planning when to have bms, its so frustrating. I have put on a lot of weight since ttc and i keep telling myself that im going to loose weight but then something drags me back down and then, i put more weight on    

sorry i need to rush off but hi to evry one that i have missed and   to you all.

oh a quick question, i have got to meet mr dildo cam on the 5th but my af turned up today, do i have to ring them and re-arrainge as i may still be af'ing, or do i wait and see on the day, because af might have stopped??

Love to you all.

Em

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## cinders35

Morning ladies!!

Emma, so sorry you are feeling so pants that even not bothered about af!!!!  
Understand though hun  . You have had a rough ride of it recently haven't you  . What is the scan for hun? Does it have to be a certain time of cycle? Not sure what to say really, depends how heavy af is I suppose. I have had scans for down regging when still spotting from af. Probably best to give the scan people a call to check, unless anyone else has some words of wisdom?

Lyndalou, good luck for scan hun!    

Jobo, Well done to get through christening, complete nightmare by the sound of it!
If I am going out, or working late or something, I often leave dd a note under her pillow, or in her breakfast bowl if I go to work before she is awake! Or I push note under her bedroom door, she loves it! Or maybe you could plant some sweeties around the house as a little treat for him to find, then he'll want to go away again!!!
Just a thought... 

Lainey, you back hun?

Love to EVERYONE!!!

Gotta get myself organised, wish me luck for body jam  

Cindersxxx


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## wouldbegreat

Hi everyone 

results may be back today if not tomorrow dh will be phoning at about 3 sorry no personals can't think straight


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## Jo1983

Well   Ladies

I've not posted for such a long time, but I've been keeping my eye on you all so am going to attemt a few personals.
Please forgive me if I get anything back to front or forget anyone.......it's not intentional  

Wouldbegreat; good luck to you both   I'm not suprised you can't think straight........it's awful just waiting for time to tick away, waiting to call (so so slowly) Fingers crossed for you both hun  

Emma; I'm sorry you've been having a rough time recently, that's awful about the death in your family and your car  
Men just don't seem to worry about the same things as us, I'm quite sure it's not intentional they just seem to have hearts of ice sometimes don't they. Re your scan, what's it for? I had a dildo scan with af, it ws to check on the growth of my cysts though so it was a must really......I'd call the scan people just for peace of mind. I'm doing egg share hun, have just had the all clear and am waiting for a match, if you want to chat you can pm me anytime. Take care and hope things get better soon  

Cinders; Hey, it's lovely to see you posting. Comfort eating is super! I do it every day   Good on you for going to this body jam, it actually sounds like torture to me......I've never seen the inside of a gym....I think I'd faint if I did. I agree with you about if taking over every part of your life, I was just saying to my dh the other day that I can't focus on anything other than having a baby, I'm actually off work at the minute cause felling very down about it all. Have an appointment with my gp tomo at 9am to see what I can do to get myself out of this pit. I know what you mean about Suzy's life sounding exciting......I'm with you I wish I could have a wild side sometimes, although I actually quite like staying in........Oh my good god.....I'm turning into my Mother....or maybe even my Grandmother.......quick, time to crack open the wine......now I sound like an alcoholic (think I'll quit while I'm slightly ahead)   ?
What's this about a meet up? When is it etc?
You take your time making any decsions, make sure it's the right one for you hun no matter that might be. Take care and good luck with your body jam  

Lyndalou; Good luck for your scan   will be thinking of you both. Glad you enjoyed your break, there is nothing at all wrong with cycling to the pub     grow little one grow   Take care  

Whippet; Congratulations on your scan, that's bl00dy brilliant news..... I bet your family were so happy for you all. Good luck for your sil.  

Suzy; hi hun, it's lovely to see you back at your posting best again   Thanks for thinking of me still. Your life sounds so exciting, I don't know how you find the time for it all. Your story about ds was so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes. I think I might get in touch with Ang again as I've had the all clear for my egg share this week, just waiting for a match now  
Take care of yourself and you continue to enjoy your life hun  

Jobo; well done you for getting through that nightmare of a christening you deserve a medal for that. I can't believe they were referring to the baby as an 'accident' all the time.....how awful   
I feel for you hun about leaving your ds, it's awful when you ask them how they feel and they're upset, you just want to take the pain away don't you. I had to leave my ds last week and we have a bed time saying that we have said every night since he was a baby. I left him a note under his pillow with it written down, my dh said he loved it so much he kissed the paper and made my dh read it about 5 times. He's still got it on his bedside table now. Maybe you could do something like that? I know it won't help much, but my ds loved it. Take care and good luck with your course  

Pand........oh my word, what on earth are you going to eat? I could never do anything to do with cutting food out.......I have no will power whatsoever....good on you girl. Take care and good luck with it all.....please keep us posted  

Lainey, Missy, RLH, ffh, Tuck, Bubbs and EVERYONE else.........thinking of you all and hope to see you posting when you are ready to.

Me..................Well I had egg share clinic last Wed, was given the all clear to go ahead, so we are just waiting for a match for my lovely little eggies and then we will be on the road to our 1st ivf cycle   just waiting for a call from the counsellor as we have to have some sessions before we start tx. 
I'm actually petrified about it all  

We have got ourselves a 6 week old puppy and she's beautiful. We asked ds what he'd like to call her and he said Rainbow Fish.........where that came from nobody knows   So we've called her Scarlett (Rainbow Fish) Scarlett for short  

Had a lovely half term with ds, spent a lot of time together doing family things which was nice. Back to school today  

Anyway, my fingers are just about to drop off so I really must go.

Love to you all and   for all of you.

Jo
xxx


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## lyndalou

Em  Oh poor you. You are having such a bad time hon, Just wanted to send you  

Cinders    Whats body Jam? Sounds like choc body paint 

wbgreat    Good luck with results fingers crossed x

Jo      6 weeks soooo cute! What type of dog is it?


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## wouldbegreat

They have the result but said oh i will have to get the doctor to phone you with them is this normal  ?  so we are waiting and its killing me


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## Jo1983

Wouldbegreat; when my dh had his tests, our gp actually called my dh at work and asked him to go in.......I was so worried but everything was fine......he just wanted to do it personally. Keep my fingers crossed for you hun  

Lyndalou; It's a staffordshire bull terrier, she's gorgeous and I was so wary about getting her cause of the stigma attached but we asked the vet for advice and he said it's not bad dogs it's bad owners so we're going to be great owners and take her to training classes etc  

Jo x


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## wouldbegreat

OMG what a bloo** nightmare we have been through doctor never phoned back so we phoned them and still waited then dh rang again and a secutary said all the results not back and this is what we got count didn't understand and motility something % to me it sounded poo so i cried and ranted and raved what does she mean told dh he should of written it down etc etc and we had a blazing row   i told him to go down doctors and get the result in english  

In the meantime doctor phoned me i was crying like a baby he said COUNT IS NORMAL AND MOTILITY IS NORMAL   just waiting for mopholigy but in my eyes all looks great  

Ive got to say that was the most stressful thing i have gone through yet and i cried and cried so much i nearly passed out  

Me and dh are fine now and we can get on with our lives now and enjoy without the wonder  

Will be back with personals but wanted to let you all know


----------



## Pand

My apologies in advance.... this is a very ME ME ME post!!

Am just so angry and upset I need somewhere to vent and seeing as most of my family and friends have now written me off as a no hoper and don't seem v interested in listening any more this is the only place I've got.

For the third month now since IVF I haven't ovulated.  So much for trying naturally.  I'm starting to get worried now and increasingly frustrated cos whilst I have accepted we probably won't have any tx (dh says he doesn't think it's worth it), I'm not ready to give up hope completely.  I've got to have something to cling to.  So tonight I told dh that I haven't ovulated again this month... his reaction.... nothing.  Not a word.  Just listened then walked off.  He really couldn't give a monkeys!  It's alright for him... He doesn't get upset whenever someone announces a pregnancy, he doesn't get choked when he sees ds playing with other people's babies, he has accepted we won't have any more and it doesn't hurt for him.  I am just so flipping angry and upset.  I could kill him, I really could.  Why is it only we suffer the hurt?  Why do they get away with this scot free?  It's just so flipping unfair.  I wish I could switch off like him, but I can't.

My life is so rubbish.  I'm so fed up with all of this.  I want it to go away, but nothing I do will make it.  What am I to do?

Sorry,   now, so must go.  I'm sure I'll be alright tomorrow and will probably post an apology for my selfish post, just needed somewhere to talk.  Thanks for listening guys.

Pand


----------



## Jo1983

Oh Pand hun, you don't need to apolgise.  

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. If is so bl00dy crap. 
Is there no way you would continue with any tx? I understand you need something to cling on to, it's completely natural, and I'd feel exactly the same, that if I ovulated there's always a tiny chance that it could happen naturaly.

It's always the woman who takes the brunt of the pain, and then picks up the pieces and puts a brave face on to the world. I really don't know why but men just don't seem to bother at all when someone announces a pregnancy or something else comes along to hinder our chances of conceiving. Has your dh definately accepted it or is has he just had enough hurt and pain too? 
Can you talk to him again about your ovulating or are you too angry and upset at the minute? Maybe he needs to realise just how upset you are  

I don't really know much about your history, so please forgive me, you said you're worried about ovulating, could you call your clinic and see what they say or are you trying to cut off completely? I know life seems rubbish at the minute, but like you say it will feel better, maybe not tomorrow, but it will soon hun. Hope I've not offended you, I've not really spoken with you much before. I couldn't just read and run, your post upset me and wanted you to know that I'm here x

You have a good cry and tomorrow is another day, take care and big   Rant some more if it helps x

Jo xx

Ps. Woulbegreat........brilliant news about dh's results


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## jobo5572

Pand -       - my love you don't need to apologise and you are not selfish one little bit, nor are you a "no hoper".  Men (and friends/relatives etc. for that matter) have absolutely no idea what we're going through and sadly they never will.  Lets face it - men are useless beings really - why do you think it's the women who bear the child and give birth to them ?  Good god - a man can't even cope with a cold.  As for hormones, well, they wouldn't know one unless it grabbed them by the short and curlies or took a cheese grater to their b*llox.  And even then they probably wouldn't have clue.  Perhaps if the hormone came along and took away their Playstation/Nintendo/Sky Sports/car they may bat an eyelid.  I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all but I just really empathise with you where DH appears to not give two hoots and it just makes the whole situation feel a million times worse as you expect them to be there for support.

Just cos DH says it's "not worth" any more tx, why does he have to have the final say ?  There's 2 of you involved here and he needs to listen to your needs/wants as well as his own.  WRT not ovulating, is this perhaps a side effect of tx ?  Sorry for my ignorance but I don't know.....perhaps someone could shed some light on it ?  If it's a regular non-occurrence then perhaps get back to Mr Watts and see if he can help.  I know Clomid didn't work for you but there's alternatives which may help.  Please don't feel it's the end and there's no hope, though I fully appreciate that it feels that way for you.

I am so so sorry and upset that you are feeling this way.  You have been such a help to everyone on here (myself included) so you have every right to call on us for help in return.  Please don't despair and give up though I know that's easy for me to say.

Take good care hun, and you know where I am if you need me       .


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## tuck

Just a quickie b4 go to bed I'm knackered.....

Pand Sorry your dh seems to be acting as per the male stereotype in these situations, mines the same and seems aswell as my family to have given up on me as a no hoper so completely get where you're coming from there.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my experience my dh seems to compartmentalise any pain or grief he may feel about what has happened, lock it away and appear to be not bothered by any of it but.. there have been a few times,for example when his friend had a 2nd baby when ours would have been due, that he tells me he really hurts too, i was shocked cos he never ever ever shows it.

Forgive me if i'm prying or if i seem  a bit thick but i just wondered how you know you're not ovulating??  If its the opk then they're not always right, some consultants think they're a complete waste of time and whilst i've only ever used them about twice I have never been able to distinguish between the 2 lines but still had 3 (2 failed) pregnancies??.. just wondered...

Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow Pand and as someone once posted on here to me (Queen of no hope) there is always hope and things can always change - that includes dh and then possibilty of more treatment if you can face it.

WBG - so glad all dh results are normal, onwards and upwards so they say...

What else to say as just a quickie - can't stop comfort eating late at night despite doing ww online. .. Went to see sex and city with pregnant posse who are all 7 1/2 months now.  There was only 2 of the 6 of us who weren't pg and could drink as we went for a meal afterwards.  For a joke I tallied my points I had 42 ( should have had 21 on plan big FAT whoopsss!!!!!!!).  Felt really small as they are all so big with their blooming bellies.  A couple of them are tired and uncomfortable so I'm not quite so envious.  I'm now worried about seeing them all so big with ds cos I haven't told him yet that all his friends will be getting brothers and sisters soon and I know that he will soon see their bellies and it will come up now and the questions will hurt so so much     Must face it soon and get on with it.  Also girl at work had her baby a beautiful girl, so now she has one of each, actually didn't feel too bad when the announcement came but just felt that she is so so lucky.

Went to lego land with ds and his cousins yesterday, anyone else been? went for day from suffolk - 2 hours journey and got there after10am but didn't really have enough time to even scratch the surface but was mighty fun.  went on loads of rides inc. log flume water splash with the family and ds got driving licence. bless.

Hi and love to all sorry not many personals must go sleep for a day..

Tuckxxx


----------



## lyndalou

jo        Scarlet sounds absolutely gorgeous!

WBG  So glad results came back good. What a day you had waiting im not suprised you lost it with your dh in the end.
          We usually take stress and worry out on those closer to us. Give each other loads of   

Pand    Oh sweetheart what a terrible time your having. Men are from a different planet I'm sure and no matter
            what we do we will not change that. I think what hurts most is that he is not appreciating how your
            feeling and supporting you. He needs a good   up the  . Maybe he just finds it
            harder to show his feelings! Dont give up on him just yet.
            You say your not ovulating. Could you get some clomid from your gp to see if that helps also I read
            somewhere on here that we dont always ovulate every month and also maybe you missed it because
            we can ovulate early in some cycles.
            I hope your feeling better this morning hon sometimes we just need to let it all out. We are here if
            you need to offload more    Take care


----------



## wouldbegreat

Ah thanks Lyndalou   is that right your scan is not till friday now did you not have it yesterday


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi all

I'm back from the land of the fertiles (Centerparcs), and am not too emotionally disturbed by it!!! Had a lovely weekend, dd learnt to ride her bike without stabilisers and she was doing really well with her swimming, I felt so proud of her. Felt a bit sad when I cam home last night as went with my sister and family who have 3 children (4,3,and 1) feel fed up that she just popped them out, DH was saying that they must have a tough time having such small children, but I reminded him of all the tears that I've shed over the past couple of years and that it was no comparison. He did agree with me, I think he's finally realised that we've got a problem! The thing is though he doesn't understand that I'm hurting all of the time and that at any point in the day pretty much if I let myself I could sit down and cry about it. I've noticed that there's been several posts about Partners who simply don't understand - but I think they just get on with things, and if the truth be known they can't understand because they're male!!!  So hugs to all of you who are struggling with DH's /DPs at the mo Pand, emma and Jobo in particular.

Wouldbegreat - so pleased it was good news about sperm sample, what a relief, sounds like it was a stressful day for you.

Pand - There seems to be a couple of things going on with you at the moment, firstly the ovulation problem - as the others have mentioned, what makes you think you're not ovulating?  Perhaps you should get a blood test done to check? If it's the opk tests like somebody else mentioned they're not always reliable.  I've not always found them to work - not sure if thats cause I wasn't ovulating or because they didn't work!!!  That's one of the things on my list to check with mr Baghdadi, I want tests done as i can't keep trying naturally if I don't know if I'm ovulating or not, like you I have to know there's at least a chance. Secondly, I hope you don't mind me asking but why are you so set against ivf again? If it's financial I completely understand, but it does seem that ivf works a lot of the time 2nd or 3rd time around, I think I mentioned before that 2 friends of mind that had ivf it worked 2nd and 3rd time for them! I know your consultant thought that it could happen for you again naturally so it seems sensible to try, but do you really want to rule ivf out completely? Hope I haven't spoken out of turn, we all have to come to our own decisions on the matter, but I know that my DH has always taken a bit more persuading to seek treatment and always favours the natural method!!!

Lyndalou - Hope scan goes well, am confused as to when it is?! Let us know so we can think of you!

Tuck - you're being so brave with your pregnant friends, it really is hard isn't it?   Perhaps you should just casually mention to ds and try not to make a big thing about it, that's what I try to do with my dd, she doesn't seem to bother too much now, and doesn't ask for a baby sister anymore thankfully!

Jobo - well done for getting through the christening, it sounds awful, you deserve a medal. How are you feeling about things hun?

Jo - Congrats on getting all clear for egg share, that must be a relief. Also congrats on getting a puppy, you'll get loads of fund with her. We got a puppy last year (a flatcoat retriever) called Woody, he's absolutely gorgeous and I love him to bits, he's 1 now but still really puppyish!

cinders - Looking forward to getting the meet sorted, it's going to be really strange meeting you all, thanks for organising it. 

Everyone else, Hi and  , I must go and unpack!

Speak to you soon

faithful x


----------



## emsylou

hello, iv just had a quick read of my letter for my appt on thursday and it says its a transvaginal ultrasound scan for pelvic ultra sound, does anyone know if its ok to turn up if im still af'ing sorry to be a pain, id just rather ask you lovelies before i phone the hospital, you know what they are like  

love em xxx


----------



## lyndalou

Ladies  Just to let you know scan didnt go well today. There was no heartbeat   Devastated


----------



## wouldbegreat

Lyndalou honey i just don't know what to say   i am so sorry


----------



## Jo1983

Oh Lyndalou, I'm so sorry hun   I don't know what to say to you.
This If is so bl00dy cruel, you know where we are if you need us. Thinking of you and your family at this dreadful time  

  xxx


----------



## emsylou

Lyndalou im so sorry hun.  

am sending of big   to you and your family

love
emma 
xxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Lyndalou - I am so sorry.  This is so unfair, you do not deserve this.  Gutted for you  

Was going to do a long post to update you all but don't feel it is the right time now, will do it later.

Lainey x


----------



## SUSZY

Lyndalou darling 
I am devestated       and am sitting here with tears streaming down my face       I am so so sorry darling.
I dont know what to say to you other than we are all here for you and we unfortunatley know what you are going through and I know its not much but I hope these help             
My heart goes out to you and your family and I am sorry you are having to go through this its so unfair.
once again I am so angry that this has happened to us 2ndry girls after going through all we have.

I was going to do a long message but will wait til later again.
I am so sorry honey.
Love
Susie


----------



## tuck

Oh lyndalou, I am so sad for you, it is just so unfair darling.  Much love to you and your family at what I know is such a difficult time.  So sorry............

Tuckxxx


----------



## Mrs Chaos

Lyndalou I am so, so sorry sweetheart  
Take care of yourselves my lovely, thinking of you  
Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


----------



## RLH33

Lyndalou - that is just terrible news    Love to you and your family and I'm thinking of you.    

RLH


----------



## whippet

Lyndalou dont know what to say so so very sorry for you both honey    

whippet x


----------



## missyb

lyndalou.... hun im so so sorry for you and your family. i really dont know what to say other than you know that we are all here for you (not that im doing a good job of that  )    



amanda xx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lyndalou - words can't say enough, am devestated for you as is everyone else  

Faithful x


----------



## Pand

Lyndalou -   I am so very sorry.  I cannot believe that this has happened to another one of us.  You must be absolutely devastated.  Its so cruel to have your hopes raised then snatched so visciously away.  I was so upset to hear your news.  You just don't deserve this.  I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain, but there are quite a few of us on here who can share it with you.  We are here for you, and if you want to scream, cry, rant or rave, we will do everything we can to get you through this.  My heart goes out to you.

To everyone else... now is not the time to post, but I did want to say thank you for your lovely words and support this week.  You are all such an inspiration.  No-one caused ANY offence, and I really appreciate your honesty.  Will catch up properly at some point but thank you all.

Love Pand


----------



## bubblicous

hey pretty ladies

ooo how i have missed you all so much

lynlou- im so so sorry hunni my thoughts are with u both  

my pc died last monday so i had to go over a week without a computer no internet i was lost  
thankfully its now fixed


so im cd11 today and i have the worst pains in my ovaries but hey pain is good hoping cycle 5 will be the big one had a few side effects this cycle so far weve had hot flushes (not good) and an over emotional me

my neighbour had a wee boy on saturday and yesterday they came home her hubby was out in the garden holding him and i had to go in as i was starting to cry i wish so much that my hubbby gets to do that 

just back from seing sex in the city loved it 

how is everyone


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hello bubbs glad your back  

Ah honey its so hard isn't it my friend at school had her baby yesterday im pleased for her as she has not been using contraception for 3 years and was starting to think it wouldn't happen .

I just want that to be us one day texting peaple to tell them   at least dh count came back normal so we are half way thier  

Next door is very close to home and in your face  

Be strong you will have your turn  

Lyndalou you are still very much in my thoughts if you need to talk about anything pm me  

Love to you all


----------



## jobo5572

Lyndalou -     .  Devastated for you.  Lots of love to you and your family at this terrible time.


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - thought it had gone a bit quiet on here! Glad you are back! Hope this is your month.

Lyndalou - still thinking of you   llife is just so cruel sometimes  

Pand -Glad we didn't upset you, let us know how you are hun  

emma - hope scan goes well today, let us know what they say.


I'm just about to email my old work to see if they have any jobs coming up - I've decided enough is enough, I can't sit around home moping for ever. If I do decide to go for more treatment I'll just have to fit it in around working that's all!!! I'm fearing the worst now - what if they won't have me back and I can't get a job. Will just have to be patient I guess!!!


----------



## emilycaitlin

Lyndalou, I'm so sorry hun   Lifes not fair xxxx


----------



## cinders35

I've only missed a few days and my oh my it's been busy.

Lyndalou,I am so sorry. I have no words of comfort hun, cos there aren't any. But please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and we understand only too well how awful you are feeling . So close, and yet so far it would seem. It is too cruel for words.
I sobbed for days, and unfortunately I am not one of these people with pretty little tears gently rolling down my face, oh no, not me. I'm more of a red puffy eye girl, tears and snot flowing down my blotchy screwed up face!

Take your time Lyndalou, we are here whenever you need us   

Pand, I'm so sorry I haven't been online, I didn't realise you were feeling so cr*p. What about getting your day 21 progesterone checked with gp to comfirm if you are ov or not?
Did you post on peer support to see if it is ivf drugs that may have caused it?
Men really are from another planet when it comes to IF. I'm not saying they don't feel the pain, but they handle it in a completely different way to us, completely! My dp has handled our m/c by thinking of it as a 'negative IVF cycle' !! I was pregnant for a short time, but nevertheless pregnant .
Men are very frustrating. They seem to have a natural ability to let us down when we need them the most . 
Why do you feel like your friends and family have written you off too? Has someone said something? 
We won't right you off Pand. You are an amazing woman, a true friend and a fantastic wife and MUMMY!!!!! So what's this all about?

Emma, hope scan ok? 

Bub's, glad pc working again. Good luck this month hun .

Jobo, how you diddling? Not long till counselling now hun, then hopefully you can move foreward 

WBG, good news re test 

Faithful, well done for enjoying CP, totally get what you said about how you really feel, all day and every day. I kind of feel like everything I do with dd is tainted with a sadness because I can't give her a sibling . I want to get away from that, to think positively about being a family of three because I feel like I'm missing out onlife. Not quite sure how I'm going to do it yet though! If you find a way first, let us know won't you  ?

Tuck, did you enjoy sex in city? I did, but can't escape IF, even there! 
You are very good, brave girl going with your pg friends . Hats off hun.

Suszy, hope you ok sweets?

Lainey, need to chat hun!! My mob out of credit!!

Missyb, you managing to enjoy life a bit?

Whippet, hope all well with you hun   

Jo 1983, good to 'see' you hun! Was it you who asked about secondary IF get together? There is a thread on board, get your name down hun if you fancy meeting up!

EVERYONE WELCOME TO COME TO SECONDARY INFERTILITY MEET UP!! WE ARE YET TO DECIDE LOCATION, OR DATE, BUT WILL BE DOING SO VERY SOON!!! SO GET YOUR NAME DOWN IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. 
HOWEVER, LATECOMERS WILL ALL BE WELCOME, IT'S JUST THAT THEIR TRAVEL DISTANCE AND DATE REQUESTS WON'T BE TAKEN IN TO ACCOUNT.
HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE!?

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic=141072.0 

I hope I haven't missed anyone,

Love to ALL,

Cindersxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi ladies im in need of some help   im so upset and i cant stop crying, it feels like im even further away from it ever happening, i had my scan today, i got there on time and was sat in a waiting room full of bumps and there was one woman sitting opposite me and her and her partner were both stroking her bump i could feel my self filling up, and then i was sat in the waiting room for an hour because they had forgot about me and then i went up and reminded them that i was still there. I went in for my scan and she said that my uterus is a good size and the lining was good but... i have nearly 10 cysts on my ovaries so she said im boarder line pcos because they class pcos as having 10 or more cysts. 
Please help me someone as im thinking all sorts and the more im thinking the more upset im getting, i have only ever heard bad things about pcos, so idont realy know much about it.
does anyone know what happens next for me? as they didnt tell me, any advice much appreciated.
thankyou xxx


----------



## tuck

Emma sweetie, didn't want to read and run.  Sorry you are so upset. I guess you weren't expecting the news re. the pcos but the results re. your womb and lining are good   I only know a little about pcos because my sister has suffered from it for as long as I can remember.  The good news is you're border line.  From what I understand it means,as you say your ovaries contain small cysts which may sometimes interfere with ovulation.  My sis had really irregular periods, which I don't believe you do, do you?  Often clomid can really help the ovary to release the egg, and my sis - who has severe pcos, conceived both her children this way.  So if you do have it there is an awful lot they can do to help with drugs, clomid and another one I can't remember and if severe although i don't think this is the case for you - surgery.  I know of several people who have suffered badly with pcos who have children through clomid (though it took a little longer to fall) so please don't think the worse.

I hope this has helped a bit, i'm not sure what will be next for you, are you having a follow up with  anyone.  Sorry can't help more.

Hi and lots of love and   and   to everyone else, must go and do heap loads of ironing will be back for proper catch up soon.

Tuckxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Do you know what?  I've had enough now, I am REALLY cross.  We are just having such terrible luck on here it is not fair.  I need to kick ar$e.  Who is responsible round here?  Get me the manager  ^bigbad ^

I came on here to do an update post but again  so infuriated and upset want to post something else instead.

Firstly, lyndalou, I am still thinking of you and  so cross yet another of us has had to go through this  . You do not deserve this, none of us do.  Wish I could make it better for all of us.

Emma - what a pile of poop.  I am so sorry you r having to deal with this.  As tuck said though, it can be treated.  I know a couple who had two clomid kids with pcos so all is not lost.  It is still hard to take it all in though and I am sure our words don't make u feel any better.  Did they not advise on treatment?  It is usually clomid, which helps induce ovulation, so don't panic just yet.

It's all pants and I am fed up with it.  I am going to bed now.

Lainey


----------



## cinders35

You GO GIRL!!!    
Am dashing around like blue ar$e fly Lainey, can you just text me those dates again hun, I will get credit for my phone today, so will be in touch soon  .

Emma hun, I know it's pants, but this is something that can be overcome  .

Lyndalou    

Pand    

Hey Tuck  

Love to ALL

Cindersxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Morning all.  Have recovered from my outburst last night.

I am waiting for a call from cons so I can go in and get drugs and be scanned.  Af arrived about half an hour a go, right on time for once, so I have to go in.  Not looking forward to scan with af having just arrived.  

I had a nice nice in Italy, although it was a bit cloudy and rainy.  We got back Monday afternoon and I had a cons appointment on tuesday am.  My results weren't good (apart from not having clymidia or gonhorreah).  My AMH is very low at 2.84. Normal is 12-25ish, low fertility is 2.2-12ish and non-existent fertility is 0-2.2.  So as u can see I am on the brink of having no eggs left whatsoever.  This wasn't wholly unexpected but I as still feel pretty miserable about it.  At least I know my time is running out so I can hopefully get some closure soon.

So, the plan is one round of IVF with my own eggs and then on to donor.  Dh and I are really struggling with this round because we know it has a low chance of success but we feel we have to do it so we can say we stuck to our guns and did the three rounds we said we would.  At least we can say we did our best and have no regrets about not giving it our all.  I do feel as though I am just flushing £5k down the toilet but know that in ten years time I won't be saying "I wish I hadn't spent that £5k on IVF".  Am I making any sense?  Probably not.  Feeling a bit let down by mercinary doctors who don't care about me, just want my money.  Does anyone else feel like that?

Dr said I have a 15% chance but I think even that sounds too high given my old eggs.  I am reconciled to donor now, have struggled to decide but know I can't go through life with just one child and know that it will still genetically be dh's child and, therefore, dd's sibling.  That is what is important to me.  Has anyone else thought about it (except susie obviously)?  I just want a sibling for dd, I don't care how it comes.  Apparently, de has a 65% success rate so is so tempting.  Almost wish I was doing it now.

Cinders - get some credit on ur phone you tighty  

Susie/pand - hope ur both feeling a bit better.  It definitely comes in cycles, sometimes I feel fine and other times I feel so desperate.  Love to u both.

Emma- how r u today?  R u coming to terms with the dx?  I hope so, it is so horrible getting bad news like that, it feels like the end of the world but it is not over for u yet.  U still have a good chance, even with pcos.  Keep ur chin up.

Ffh- I hope ur appointment goes well next week and I hope u and dh can agree on a strategy.  It is hard when u feel diffierently, trouble is men don't feel it the way we do, our hormones make us crazy sometimes and they couldn't possibly understand.  Sending u a hug.

Jobo - please don't apologize for posting how u feel on here, that's what we r for.  I do think u sound very depressed though and should go to ur gp.  U sound so down and he may be able to help.  Take care of itself.  I hope it wasn't too traumatic leaving ds.

Lyndalou- still thinking of u.  What happens now?  Will  u need an erpc?  Love to u.

Missy - miss ya x

Hi to everyone else - WBG, RLH, nanook (where r u?), jo1983, tuck and anyone I have missed out.

Browned off and suffering from period pains, still no call from hossie  

Lainey x


----------



## izzie

Lainey -  your recent results are so similar to mine.  I have very low ovarian reserve.My last IVF was abandoned due to only one folie, spoke to my con a few mths ago and they suggested trying a really high dose of Menophur (600). I didn't feel comfortable with that higher dose so me and DH decided to look at ED.  Clinic was having a review on my last visit and had a guy from Sweden sitting in. So con on best behavior managed to get 1hr with her rather than the usual 20mins.  She suggested trying a very fairly low dose of Menophur starting on day 5 with no down reg.  Nearly fell off the chair on 2nd scan when they found four folies/3 mature at EC/3 grade 1's/2 transferred........now on 2wk wait    very long winded I know but just wanted to say don't give up hope yet, I don't think anyone really knows how many eggs we have left  I was told nearly two yrs ago that I would be in the menopause by now.


----------



## lainey-lou

Thank you Izzie - I will pm you  

Where is everyone?    I am a bit lonely.

Feeling very down today, DH and I just keep arguing.  We are both under pressure, I know, but I feel he is not being very supportive.  Feel like running away from everything except DD, if it wasn't for her I think I would have by now.

Went to BF's son's birthday party this morning.  Just wanted to burst into tears.  She has three lovely kids, the oldest being 5 this week and she still managed to make him the most amazing birthday cake.  She always looks lovely too.  Feeling very inferior and worthless at the moment.  Still feeling like I am wasting my time and money doing this, just want it to be over.

Hope everyone is ok

Lainey


----------



## SUSZY

Hi 
Lainey I am here! I had read everyones news the other day and was ready with my reply and now dont have the energy to go back.  Glad you had a good holiday honey - we missed you. I am so sorry that your appt did not go so well with the Cons honey and not sure really what to say.  I know after one failed iui the cons recommended we go for genetic testing or donor eggs and supposed my fsh is good so who knows what the answer is.  Its just hard and I am so angry with it all as well esp with whats happened on our thread its so bloody unfair.  The pressure of IF is unbearable on ones relationship and that part is so unfair as well and I am sorry you keep rowing but didn't he write you that lovely letter so at least you have that!  I know its hard when you go to these parties and see them with all their kids, todays one was not so bad in fact and actually had a good time and talked to a girl who got preg with IUI and she does not live that far away and her kid is the same age and although we know each other we have never really compared notes when we should although she had primary if.
I have been more open with some people and am bracing myself for the 45 year old at school who is about to pop and then the friend who is due the same time as i would have been - then the ex whose mum I saw yesterday is due the same time and before that in July dhs friend is about to sprog out for the 2nd time although they did have a m/c so understand but I have glut coming up and talking to the counsellor yesterday blubbed talking about it.  She also told me off for having had a glass of wine before I went in on our last session - it sounds bad but was out for lunch on my bday and had a glass of wine!

Tuck how are you doing sweetheart? Hope you got through the ironing ok - let us know the latest.

Pand - you know we are all here for each other and we all have up and down days and its lovely we all so relate to what the other is going through.  I hope you are having  nice restful weekend, only about 6/7 weeks to go before they break up.

cinders - hope you are ok honey, how are you going to sort out the meet up as it seems half want beginning and half want end.
with ref to an earlier post as we all know we all feel the same about stuff. I would defo recomment rescue remedy I have some in my hand bag and its really good for calming nerves and will be using next tues when ds has a small filling (am gutted) and then I have to have one so will get through a bottle. I would like to do a course on that if I ever found one.  With regard to reiki I just think if you can try and find one that has had a lot of experience, I know everyone has to start somewhere including myself but if you know the person has REiki 1 2 and 3 and or a masters in it then they will have a lot more experience also ask how long they have been doing it.  after i have done my case studies I can get my certificate and start doing it but I have not had much experience compared to others.

emma - sorry about the cysts darling not sure how to help you other than   
I was also sorry to hear about all the trouble you were having with your car - it sounds such bad luck but there are some right ar s e ho  out there! makes me mad!

missby - how are you honey, thanks for forwarding that info -not sure if you have let the girls know that Nanook said Hi!

lyndlou still thinking of you and am   for you   

izzie that nice of you to post good luck on the old 2ww   

Ec - how are you honey

mrs chaos hope you are ok on the other side might not be long before we join you!

wbg hope you are ok sweetheart and good luck

jo 83 lovely to hear from you and good luck with the egg share - please keep us posted honey
the puppy sounds lovely, we really need to get ds a dog!

jobo how are yo uhoney wish we all lived closer- how was your time away from ds

ffh - You have had some good breaks latley what with the Lakes and centreparcs although sorry about the bumps etc at the latter. good luck on the job front, I must admit I have been thinking of that more and more too.  best of luck

whippet hope all is well with you honey we are thinking of you and wishing you all the best

bubbs - sorry you having pc trouble and hope it better now, its always hard when their are births as i said in my post above I am preparing myself now for an onslaught of them

rlh- hope you are enjoying cparcs- the cake decorating sounds fun although I am not very good at that sort of thing.

hope you are all having a good weekend, mine be good so far as went party and the school fair and just catching up at home now, ds having is usual sat afternoon nap and I catching up with you lot. dh busy on the campervan and the sooner he gets it sorted the sooner we can go out in it.  a friend asked me to have her two kids on Friday and did about an hours garden in return which was great but its funny I am beginning to see the benefits and east of only have one child despite still really wanting a baby.
I have worked out my day 21 will be about 17th July so really within two months it will all be over or nearly over and we will know one way or another which is part scary.  As i said about ended up in tears with the counsellor and wonder sometimes if thats what they really want but then they let you walk of like that and am getting a bit disillusioned by it dont want to give it up as its free but when she told me off for having a glass of wine at lunch I thought it quite strange!  dh and I getting on abit better but am not seeing him that much due the van and work which I do understand about but I did tell him the other day i was lonely and that it was dangerous so he did come and sit in the room with me for half an hour.  I am feeling better but do have days where i dont.
i am off with the meditating/reiki group to do some healing on some land in Derbyshire so that should be fun, I am still really trying to do that although got a bit disillusioned with the mediatating a couple of weeks ago.
I went out for lunch three times this week and dinner once so think I have probably over done the social side and do need to get back to the gym and lose some weight.
as ever wanted to say could not get through this on my own and I want to thank you all for your support.  I am sorry I am not on as much as I used to be but it does not mean you are far from my thoughts or convo as I refer to you as my internet girls and tell anyone who will listen how bloody unfair it is what we have all been through.
take care my lovelies, sorry about my sentence construction, you know I type as I think.
love you all


----------



## cinders35

Hello hunnies!
It's late, so will just be a quicky!
It was lovely to come on and have a mammoth post from you Suszy! Thank's for advice re reiki and rescue remedy!

Lainey, sorry you are feeling so down, and bit lonely  . You must be so scared going into this treatment. Scared that it won't work, and scared that it will I shouldn't wonder!! Have you started d/r yet? Can you update me on when the ball starts rolling?
I don't know what to say to make you feel any better hun, but at least you are going into it with your eyes wide open, and you know what to expect. Then there is plan b, c d or whatever you are on by now!!!
I think you and Suszy both so brave to have/consider donor eggs, wish it was something I could consider, but I know it's just not for me  . 

Well I've been dreading pregnancy announcements about now, as they would be due around same time I would hav, and have had the first one. Dd teacher is pg. She already has a little girl, (toddler). Not quite as bad as a friend, but still....

We will be here for you Suszy, when you have all those births to deal with soon.  

Pand, where are you hun? Things still pants  . Please come and talk, we want to be here for you, in the same way you have been for us  . I will start stalking, if I don't here anything soon!!!    

Love to absolutely ALL!!!
Love Cindersxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi girls,

Sorry I haven't been on much.  You have all been so wonderful and supportive thank you so much.  I did hit a bit of a low, but I'm ok now.  It wasn't really dh I was angry at as much as I needed to vent my frustrations and feelings!  I'm not going to stay on long but thought I would just touch base.

DS split his eye open yesterday so that was a bit of a trauma, but other than that this week has toddled along as always!  Took my homeopathic remedy on Wednesday, but the list of things I need to avoid is horrendous, no spices, no garlic, no coffee, no vinegar (includes mayonnaise and ketchup) and NO WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  I didn't realise what an alcoholic I have become.  I'm not even convinced this is going to help, but now I've spent the money on it I've got to give it a go.  

I will probably pop back on during the week and do personals.  But just wanted to say, Lyndalou, am still thinking of you.  I can remember only too clearly how dark and desperate those first few weeks are going to be.  Cinders love, I still think of you often and think you are doing so well!!!!!  Am very proud of you.  Lainey sorry you've had such awful news hun.  Not surprised you're feeling down.

Thats all for tonight ladies.

Lots of love

Amanda


----------



## emsylou

hi evryone, sorry about my little me me me post the other day, am feeling a bit better now, thankyou for all of your help and advice, it realy helped me, i have been doing so much reading up on pcos, i am going to wait a week and if i havnt heard anything from my cons then im gonna ring them and see when my appt will be. Because i have been thinking, it would probably make sense for them to try and help me before it gets worse as im only boarder line, although it is the nhs so probably wont be the case. I know at my last appt they said that i have to wait untill dh's spermie count gets up before i am allowed to try clomid, because it was so low. But i have a bit of a question to ask, at my scan the nurse said that my cons would probably put me on the pill to try and balance my hormones out, my appt probably wont be for a while but i was thinking should i just go to my gp and get it or should i wait and see what my cons says? sorry i am just a bit eager  
Me and dh have stopped arguing so much now, i told him that hes making me feel like poop and we said that we are going to try and make a real effort with eachother, i know it wont last but im gonna enjoy it while it does.
Oh and i just brought a realy nice caravan off ebay and im realy excited, it was a real bargain aswell, 
I have been growing some veg from seeds to give me something to do to try and take my mind off evrything and have got my first flowers from my tomato plant so i should have some on there soon i cant wait, i never realy thought it would be something i would enjoy but i realy am, its so relaxing and takes my mind off the IF subject. 

Pand - im sorry to hear about your ds splitting his eye open, hope he is ok, poor thing.  Hope your homopathy is going ok?  

Cinders - how are you hun? i hope the announcements are kept to a minimum, am thinking of you sweetie.  

Suzie - you made me laugh when you said your dh's friend is about to "sprog out"   iv never heard that one before    hope you are ok though?  

Lyndalou - hun you are still in my thoughts, i hope you are looking after yourself.  

Bubbs - hey sweetie, havnt heard from you in a while, evrything ok?  

WBG - aww hun i hope you get your turn of texting evryone good news soon i realy do. how are you?  

Missy - how are you hun? i hope you are ok?  

Tuck - thankyou for your reply the other day sweetie, how are you?  

Hello to evryone that i have missed out sorry but i can feel my eyes getting heavy so wont be long and il be ZZZzzzzzzz'ing but big   to you anyway.

Right well im off to bed now, so good night to you all.

Em 

xxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Emma i have a massive pm for you with lots of info but your inbox is full   can you empty a couple of messages so i can sent it to you as i have copied it and just waiting to paste


----------



## lainey-lou

Morning girls.

Emma - Miss Impatient!  You sound just like me    I would wait until they tell you for sure.  Could you call them and ask them over the phone if you should start taking it    Just a thought.

Pand - sorry to hear about Ds's eye, poor little love.  I am glad you are feeling a bit better.  Do you think you might try some more tx?  I am not enjoying this round at all, I think I have so little belief in it working I feel I am putting myself through all this for nothing.  Sort of wish I hadn't bothered now.  I think we all get confused moments when we don't know what to do.  It is a very confusing business.

Susie - my due date is/was 19 June so rapidly approaching.  Fortunately I don't know anyone about to "sprog out" so that should make it a bit easier.  I am not looking forward to that date arriving, you never know though, I may be pregnant soon after that  

Jobo - how are you?  Feeling ok  

Missy - still missing you  

Cinders - how are you lovie?  Any updates?  When will you get your results?  As for my cycle, I am still doing SP so no d/ring, although my cons hasn't really explained ANYTHING to me.  I have changed clinics and they are pushing for more eggs by giving me more drugs.  I should be ready for EC in less than two weeks.  AF came Friday and I started injecting with stimms straight away, I have my first scan this evening.  They don't really know if it will work and I will get more eggs.  Don't know if they will see tonight if anything is happening.  How did the drugs make you feel?  I feel a bit grumpy and weird.

Lyndalou - how are you sweetie?  Thinking of you and available for a chat if you need me.  

Bubbs - it is quiet on here without you  

FFH - hope your appointment goes well   

Whippet - how are you feeling preggers?  

Tuck - how are you coping with all those pg friends?  Are they due soon?  It is hard isn't it.  I found out that the woman at school who is "done with girls" is having a boy    Apparently, her husband had tears in his eyes at the scan cos he was so thrilled  

WBG - sorry it didn't happen for you this month.  Don't give up hope, you didn't have your op that long ago.  I know each month feels like an eternity though  

I am not happy with my clinic at all, I don't like the cons and I am dreading going in for EC there.  Do you think you can change clinic mid-cycle?  My satellite clinic deals with two clinics so wondered if they could send me to the other one.  I really detest this guy.  He has a terrible bedside manner and he makes me feel really uneasy.  Advice would be good.

Love to everyone

Lainey x


----------



## emsylou

WBG - done hun, i didnt realise there was so many msgs on there   thankyou  

Lainey-lou - yeah i am very impatient i just dont want to wait another three months for my appt and then be told to go on the pill  
think i will give them a ring later to see what they say. Sorry to hear that your not happy with your cons, im not sure if you are allowed to change mid-cycle but it might be worth you asking cuz its not fair for you to have to be stuck with an a hole of a cons for your tx.

love em xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Just popping on for a few mins will catch up later.

Lainey - sorry your results weren't what you'd hoped for, and also that your consultant isn't to switched on. I hope you can sort something out although I'm guessing that switching mid cycle could be a bit tricky. Thinking of you hun  

emma - I think finding out how long you might have to wait for an appointment is a good idea, it might not be as long as you think now that you're in the system. If it's not too long I would definitely wait as you don't want to start on treatment that isn't right for you - at the end of the day the consultant is specialised in these things  - the gp isn't! Try and be patient hun.

Pand - glad you're ok, hope ds eye is better, sounds like a bit of a drama! 

Susie - how are you hun? I know what you mean about being terrified of the outcome of treatment, it's such a scary thought especially when it's your last go.

Anyway, must go, have got consultant appointment on thurs, and am terrified - I know he's probably going to say ivf or nothing and I don't want to hear it. I'm really hoping he'll suggest something else.

faithful x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Me again!

Sorry but me post 

Had a chat with DH last night re our consultant appointment tomorrow, have been putting off talking to him because I didn't want to get upset and drag things up which I'd managed to put out of my mind for a bit. Anyway we definitely decided that IVF isn't for us for religious reasons so I fear that this is the end of the road for us apart from keep trying naturally of course and praying for a miracle. 

We've decided to be up front with the consultant about our reasons and then see if he can suggest anything which may help us from now on. I suspect he won't but i do have some questions which I want answered before I can move on. Not sure how to feel at the moment, I guess because until after I've seen consultant I'm not sure it definitely is the end. 

Faithful  x


----------



## jobo5572

Sorry ladies....haven't been up to posting of late as have been so down and  .  Having really hit rock bottom I have been to the doctors this morning and have finally accepted that I need anti-depressants (having been refusing them for the past 18 months).  But I am now worrying that this will affect my chance of IVF - will the clinic need to know that I am on anti-depressants and will they delay treatment until I get myself sorted out ?  It's just the doc made a comment about a clinic delaying someone by 6 months as they were on anti-d's and quite frankly the thought of waiting any longer is driving me to despair  .  Grateful for any advice.

So sorry for no personals but I promise to catch up soon.

Love to you all.


----------



## SUSZY

Girls Sprog out is one of dhs comments along with things like - will have to come up with but he has some really good terms!


Pand - sending you love and cuddles and hope you feel better soon and sorry to hear about ds eye - poor thing.

lyndalou - thinking of you as ever darling    

cinders - no worries about the advice glad it helped - any decisions on meeting up yet, still have not worked out what and when we are going to do things but we tried to look at it yesterday but got a bit stressed.

lainey - thinking of you as ever and good luck - sorry sweetheart re your due date will be thinking of you.  How exiting re injecting and scans etc and the best of luck suppose it will be a bit like that for me as we have all the drugs here ready.  

Emma - good luck

missy how are you babe, we miss you but hope you are having a good break

tuck hope you are ok, we have had a birth at school a boy so bracing myself for that

ffh - good luck with appt tomrrow - sorry ivf is not for you or of course ED its such a difficult one but you have to be sure.

jo83 how is the egg share going
bubb - hope you are ok

wbg hope you are too

whippet how are you?
dizzly lou hav eyou had those twins yet?

honeyprincess and Gab how are you?

Ec what are you up to?

jobo - not sure what to say as I know I was worried about going on anti ds although think perhaps I should of done back then as i did not want them on my records- I can understand you not wanting to delay but its such a catch 22 and I am not sure what to say perhaps one of the other girls can help?  Sorry you feeling so down but can really emphasize darling.

sorry if missed anyone out not intentional

My dad and step mum are visiting so we are getting abit more gardening done, ds is happy as they have brought the dog with them that he loves.  We had our fillings yesterday and his was a tiny white dot that could not see and i had a massive one, dh went in with  him which was good and I had a few squirts of rescue remedy before Ds appt and mine which was later in the afternoon.  having a quieter week due to visitors and eating well as step mum an excellent cook.
Went to the club on Monday which was good and sat by the pool outside and did a swim it was lovely to be back but it was busy and had my sun glasses pinched when I went to the loo, I put them by the sink and someone grabbed them so bit peed off about that.  Think I am going to write the letter to give them three month notice and cannot really afford it any more and if tx not work we hope to get a dog so will need to walk that in instead.

love to you all as ever


----------



## bubblicous

hey ladies

well ive not been great could barley get out of bed on sunday and monday kept crying though not sure whi dont know wots wrong with me im so tried all the time just now
was working mon and tuesday night and it took me all my time to drag myself to work when i got there i just hid from the customers

i dont think i have ever felt so bad 

im cd 18 today pretty sure i didnt ovulate and if i did we barley had sex as i just wasnt in the mood im thinking on having a break next motnh from the clomids though im back at the cons on the 23rd of july so not sure
im currently reading a infertilty book its a personal story about a couple its so good its called pink for a girl would reccommend it to all

so how is everyone else

emma - hey babes sorry ive not been around much will send up a pm later one though hope ur ok  

suzy - wanna come and do my garden  

jobo - glad you have went to the dr maybe if u explain the depression is caused by the waiting they may help ya out quicker not sure though  ive had depression before and its the worst thing ever   

ffh -     goodluck for tomorrow babes 

lainey - hey hunni    hows u good luck with the cycle not sure about the clinic change but its worth a try 

everyone else sorry ive missed you out but love u all xxxxxxxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Just a quickie

Jobo - I am on antidepressants and I was still allowed to have treatment so don't worry.  I wasn't even asked if I was taking anything by the clinic.

I went to see an Anxiety during Pregnancy expert when I first started trying for children and she said on the subject of antidepressants that you have to weigh up the risks to the baby against the benefits to the mother.  I am sure in your case the benefits far outweigh any risks.  

I hope this helps


FFH - good luck tomorrow lovie x

Lainey x


----------



## tuck

Hello all 

How is everyone today?

Emma - glad you feeling slightly better hun and you and dh getting on better.  Caravan sounds great - good luck for your next steps

Lainey lou - how is your treatment going    I hope you are feeling more comfortable with your clinic now.  To respond to your q re. pregnant friends - I have found myself, especially recently consciously or subconsciously withdrawing more and more.  They have also not made the effort to keep in contact with me.  So we shall just wait and see in 5 - 6 weeks they will all have new babies to deal with so  their hands will be full so to speak

ffh - how did the chat with the consultant go - it must have been a very difficult decision for you and dh to make re. ivf but if it is against everything you believe in  then you must be true to yourselves.

jobo -   for the way you are feeling but maybe the anti ds are the way to go.  cannot speak from experience but have had lots of friends on them who have benefited greatly then weaned themselves off without too  many problems.  I hope you feel  better soon.

Susie - good to hear from you. Brave you for the fillings I'm such a chicken at the dentist I didn't go for 16 years once.  I'm similar to you with the gym - I pay extortionate amount of money and do not use it as much as I should.

Bubbs - soz you feeling so rubbish too.  Maybe a break from the clomid might do you good, sometimes this ttc business really grates and you need some time out.  Not heard that book may look it up.

Pand - hi - how are you feeling now?  Ds eye sounds traumatic, how did he do it?  I hope it is getting better now.  Good self resolve being on this homeopathic schedule and cutting all those things out - not sure i could manage it.

Lyndalou - thinking of you  

Cinders - how you doing hun - i know what its like dreading those due date announcements hope you haven't had any more darling.

Love and   to anyone i missed.

Feeling a bit down this week.  Now in my 3rd failied cycle ttc since the losses and we made the difficult decision to try again and tbh I don't think my body is working correctly.  I've always had irregular periods but always know from my body exactly when i ovulate and always 2 weeks after that I get  my period.  In that 2 weeks before i usually get sore achey boobs which i take as a positive sign that hormones levels are good etc.   However in the last 4 months I have been getting no signs of ovulation, little cm (sorry tmi) no achey boobs and irregular and really light periods.  So now scared that aswell as only having one tube and a damaged uterus, the ovulation side of things has gone up the shoot.  Feel really cr*p and don't want to seek medical advice as it just brings back all the incompetence and memories of the ectopics and think i have a  bit of post traumatic stress about that too. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhstupid body.

Also on the emotional front feeling really isolated.  Have withdrawn from so many people its shocking.  Everyone i know except 1 has now had baby no. 2 and all so easily.  I am dreading the next big announcement from which there will be no getting away from and that is s-i-l.  Just want to shut myself away.  Was feeling so good and positive after hol but now its all coming back again - I know I will need to seek medical help in the form of a 2nd opinion but am scared they will say it is too dangerous for me to ttc again (which I hope is unfouded just my fears and insecurities).

And on a lighter note to top it off, stayed the same in my weight watchers weigh in - pathetic I'm only on week 2 but in ww defence I am not rigorously sticking to my points naughty girl...

I am hoping and praying that the next few months brings better news for us all .    to everyone ....

Tuckxxx


----------



## bubblicous

hey all

im a bit better today but still so tired i had the dentist this morning and then took youngest dd to get her hair chopped she looks so pretty

i dont know why im so tired slept for a full 10 hours last night i think it maybe the clomid my mood has lifted but only a little still feeling a good bit sorry for myself and it doesnt help i have my mum barking on at me about my sisters hen night and getting it all organised grrrrrr

this morning i booked a wee trip away for us were going to orkney for 5 days in july going for a wedding but were staying an extra few days after that so dh can catch up with his family and friends and so we can both have a good old break

down side is that will be bms time of the month for my 6th cycle and we will be staying with his sister so dont know how thats gonna work      just need to be resourceful maybe

so im looking forward to the break though not the rather long drive there and back or the boat i get sea sick would love to be going pregnant but i know it aint gonna happen

i was gonna go for day 20 bloods tomorrow but its friday the 13th so no way am i going dont want the bad luck

so how is every one

tuck - its a great book and she doesnt get pregnant in the end so its not one of the ones where you read it and its a struggle but she gets there against all the odds she tells it so well too ive laughed and cried and im only half way through


----------



## emsylou

hiya, i dont know why but i am full of beans today, i have cleaned my house all through and have painted my landing, although its raining i have still got a spring in my step.  
have decided that im going to wait and ring the hospital on monday and see what they say about my appt because i might get one through on saturday, thats when i seem to get letters from them so im gonna be patient.
mil and fil decided to pay us a visit last night, i cant remember the last time they came to visit i wouldnt mind but they onnly live 10 mins away from me, i didnt speak to mil much though as i still havnt forgiven her for what she was saying about me and dh before. 
i have been catching up with an old friend latley which is realy nice as i havnt spoken to her for over 5 years. 

Bubbs - how are you sweets i was worrying as i hadnt heard from you for a while, your so brave going to the dentist, i had to go the other day because my wisdom tooth was giving me grieffe but i was pooping me pants    i hope you do go on your trip pg i will be keeping my fingers tightly crossed for you hun.  

Tuck - sorry to hear that you are feeling down hun, i hope things start to look up for you soon i realy do.    

Jobo - you done well to accept that you needed anti-d's, if i could turn back the clock then i would have had them too, after i had my dd i had realy bad depression, i refused to have anti-d's and things just got worse if i could turn back the clock i would have snatched them from the dr's hand, because it took so much to get me to where i am today, even though i still have my days things are a lot better, and i hope you start to feel better soon hun, im not sure if they interfere with your tx though. good luck  

WBG - hope your appt went well hun? i went out and brought a couple of the vits you told me about, havnt taken any yet though  
hope your ok?  

Cinders - how are you sweetie?  

Suszy - did you get your gardening done? i love gardening its my "new thing"  im additcted to it   iv never realy been that bothered before but now i have flowers evrywhere.   hope your ok?  

Pand - how's your ds's eye? hope you are alright?  

Lainey-lou - how are you hun? Have you sorted out what your going to do about your cons? did you find out if its too late to change clinic?  

Izzie - good luck hun, when do you test?  

Hello to evryone else that i have missed not intentional.

lots of   and   and   to all of you lovely ladies.

xxx


----------



## lainey-lou

Where is everyone?  

I am going   on my own  

L x


----------



## cinders35

We're here hun!
How are those lovely follies coming along?
                      
                            
                 
                                          
            
Grow little eggies, grow....
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## Pand

Hi everyone,

I'm really sorry I haven't been on much.  Work is absolutely mental.  Too much to do and not enough hours in the day/week/month!!  Anyway, personals first:

Tuck - I can really identify with you.  I've been worrying over the last couple of months that I wasn't ovulating for the same reasons as you, but this month's AF has landed with full vengence.  I think sometimes when your body has been through a lot, it takes a while to settle back down.  Give it another month or so then go and see your doc hun to put your mind at rest.  As for bracing yourself for the SIL announcement, again, I'm dreading the day mine announces her second pregnancy.  Given what my brother and sister in law went through with their first baby (Edwards lost at 20 weeks) we were all so worried about their second pregnancy, but now they have a lovely one year old boy and they are already talking about the next one.  I know they deserve it with bells on, but it's just so close to home and hurts so much.  I hope your system sorts itself out soon. 

Cinders - How you feeling now hun?  You haven't said much.  Been worrying about you all weekend.  You got any appointments coming up?

Jo - How's it going with your mum?  Will be thinking of you tomorrow, let me know how your counselling appointment goes. 

Lainey - How's the treatment going hun??  Those drugs still sending you    Fingers crossed for lots of lovely follies and healthy eggs.  I really hope this works for you.  You've been through so much.

Suzy - How are you hun?  How long before you start tx again?  You still going to go ahead with it?  

Sorry will dash off for a minute so that I can finish ds's tea and will be back in a bit with the rest of my personals and updates!

Pand


----------



## Pand

Right, one happy camper tucking into his tea!

Back to the personals:

Lyndalou - Hun, I'm sure that at the moment you just want to crawl into a dark room and shut the world out.  I'm sure that you don't feel like talking to anyone and that you are the loneliest and most desolate you have ever felt.  I just want you to know, that we are all still here for you.  Even if you don't post, I suspect you sneak on to have a read from time to time and you are very much missed and cared about.  But I can speak from experience, as can several others on here, you will come out the other side eventually.  It's a long and miserable road, but keep going you will get there in the end.  PM me if you ever want to chat or rant, cry or just let it all out.  I'm a good listener. 

FFH - What a tough decision.  You must have an incredible faith and that can really help you at times like this.  I think mine was seriously dented last September and I'm not sure I will ever recover it.  I think the things that have happened to some of us on here are unforgiveable and cruel and I'm still struggling to reconcile that with an all caring God.  I'm sure one day I will find a reason for it all, but it's still not clear at the moment.  If you don't mind me asking and being nosey, how is IUI different to IVF in relation to your beliefs?    Is it the actual conception part?  I really do wish you the very best of luck with whatever path you decide to take.  I admire your courage and faith and I hope I haven't offended you at all. 

WBG - How are you doing mate?

Bubs - Sorry you have been feeling so low.  Clomid really is the drug of the devil!  I've just finished reading Pink for a Girl too.  It's a wonderful book and I would whole heartedly recommend it to anyone on here even though it's a story of primary infertility, there was so much I could relate to.  Whatever you do though, don't bother picking up Twice Blessed.... it's written by an American woman who ttc No.2 for 14 cycles (probably less than a year), had no fertility treatment, and was devastated by the second month of trying... I was furious with it.  She was making out like she had had the worst time of it, when she hasn't been through half of what any of us have on here!  How dare she make out she has secondary infertility, she barely makes it into the definition!  Sorry for the rant!

Emma - Again, I'm sorry you have had some pretty rotten days too.  As for the PCOS it's usually treated with clomid quite successfully.  I really hope it works out for you.

Whippet - I understand you keeping your distance, but please let us know you are ok.  We need a little beacon of light sometimes to keep our hopes up!

Missyb - Hope your break is working out hun.  Missing you!

Hi to anyone else I've missed!!

As for me well.......

DS's eye is much better having turned a lovely shade of purple all week!!!!  It's healing well though and there shouldn't be too much of a scar.

Had a major meltdown on Friday.  Had a pregnancy announcement by group text on Friday morning.  Thought I was going to be ok with it, but after dh had gone to work, burst into tears into my cornflakes.  DS came out asking what was wrong and sat on my lap stroking my back. I told him I was upset because another one of my friends was going to have a baby, and because I was sad I couldn't give him the brother and sister he wants.  Bless him, he just said "It's ok mummy, I don't mind honest."  Cried loads on Friday evening, but felt better by yesterday.  My homeopath tells me she expected me to feel worse like that before I will feel better.  I'm still off the wine  , spices, garlic, coffee etc and it's nearly killing me!  However, AF arrived today and seems to be back to normal... is there something in it?  Maybe.  So I will stick with it for now.  

Spent a lovely afternoon today with DS and DH wandering in the woods then having tea and cake at a country craft centre on the way back.  It made me realise once again, that whilst this is not the path I would have chosen, if it does end up being us three we are so good together.  I just wish I could feel like that all the time instead of having these blips!  

Anyway, that's enough me, me, me for now!  Thanks for all your lovely wishes and messages!

Love to you all

Pand


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Thanks for all of your thoughts about my appointment. This is a bit of a me post I'm afraid, I'll catch up with personals later but I just thought I should let you know how I got on.

Appointment went really well, he didn't tell me to go away as i didn't want ivf!!!

Basically we had a long discussion about the fact that apparently I've got multicystic ovaries - not the same as PCOS. He mentioned this when he scanned me but didn't make much of it at the time and I kind of forgot about it.  But apparently he's writing a research paper on it (and is using me as one of his case studies) as there is hardly anything written on it, and the only thing he has to go on is his experience of it whilst practicing!!! It is similar to pcos in that there are too many cysts on the ovaries but not as many cysts and tend to be larger, you still have regular periods, but may not ovulate properly every month and you don't have raised testosterone levels.  I felt so relieved that at last I have some kind of diagnosis!!!!

So basically he suggested a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to check me out completely.  I'm really pleased about this as I've kept wondering about C section scarring, so it will be good to get everything checked out although don't relish the idea of a general anaesthetic as I've never had one before. 

Anyway will catch up later with you all

Faithful x


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls
sorry not been on again for a while and will have to keep this quick as on the old lap top that plays up- you know how it is.

pand - so sorry for another preg announcement its so hard - I have a great way of focusing your mind on non baby things, get your finger caught in a car door that hurts so much you cannot think about much else!! happened to me on Friday night when got a lift out and I was not even that drunk,  Interesting enough out with the group I did not think i would see much again my first evening nct group and they have all churned them out no problem with perhaps only 2 mcs in 9 women and some of them have been a little insensitve in the past.  However since my third m/c they seem to have been nicer to me and I seem to be calmer also one of the girls is going in tomorrow for a hyster....... sorry cannot spell and it seems a few of my friends in their late 30s/early 40s are having gyne problems so seems thats next for me!!!  wish dh and i spent more time together with ds then could imagine how you are feeling, he is still working very hard on van and we have his mum for the weekend just want to get it sorted and go away in it but have a feeling we are going to row when we are in it.  he is still a grumpy bast....d

lainey - that was good of you to say on here about the anti-ds I knew you were on them but did not want to say on here.  both dh and me have said if we get down again we are going on them and mil here now and is a lot better because she is on them.  i do think sometimes its what you need todo.  how is your tx going sweetheart, added you as friends on ** dont go on there much but do sometimes. - have news on nanook please see below
lyndalou - thinking of you honey as ever

cinders - hope you are ok sweetheart - any news on the meet up- hope you are doing ok - have you got some more credit on your phone yet- it would be good to sort the date out.

wbg hope you are ok too

jobo - how are you feeling now - have you come to any more decisons?

tuck - sweetheart - you sound down honey and isolated and I so relate darling i really do - its exactly how I have felt in the past and i felt so isolated from loads of friends and am still coming to terms with it now the fact I dont go to the baby/todder activites i am not in the in crowd anymore and dont know whats going on and dont get included.  It really hurts when you were really close to people and they have another preg/baby and seem to forget about you and then when the baby gets older go off with people and do things that you used to do with them and your baby.  It hurts like hell and only answer is to try and fill yourself with other things and hope there are a couple of people you can cling on that know what you are going through and of course to rely on us as we are here for you and we will always be and I make that pledge to you sweetheart here and now and we are all here for each other come what may and we need to meet up once or twice a year and give each other massive hugs!!!! ps dentist was hideous but its only for a seconds/min the horrible drill part!

jo83 how are you doing.

wendeth - how are you - how is the house etc

ffh - i know its not he result you wanted but sounds like you got a good consultant if he is going to do a case study on you and you will be in history for ever and it sounds like he is determined to get to the bottom of it and he will really be focused as it will reflect in his work.  I know when I had my nk cell test she was excited as I had used a donor egg and had it turned out that i had the nkiller cells I would have been in her reasearch as well. In some ways it can only be good.

bubs- sorry you are down sweetheart and I know its a long hard slog, as you know its not the first time I have said it I went through six months of clommid and was so hopeful and excited about it and thought it was really going to work but all that happened is I spent hours in the waiting room on my own with lots of other couples, seemed to respond well but not a dicky bird and every time i got af i was crying and depressed and it took forever to get our of my system. i remember talking to a women who told me to do ivf and I thought she was being extreme but wish i had done that rather than clommid. having said that it has worked for others so it could work for you

missby b how are you honey, hope you are enjoying th break and having a good time. we miss you. please come back and chat soon!

emma- sorry you are feeling down and hope you feel a bit brighter soon

whippet - thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck
dizzy have you had those twins yet

gab nd honeyprincess - how are you

Got a text forwarded by missby from Nanook and now have her address and mobile number as she has left her husband and is in the process of divorcing him, I think things have turned nasty but she is happy and is confident she has done the right thing although money is a bit tight.  She wanted to send her love to you all and please if you want to send any messages to her then pm me and I will print and post off or double check with her bfore I pass the address on although know she would be ok with it.  think she needs our support but cannot ge on line as cannot afford a pc.

love to you all as ever
not much to report really from me, we go on hol next Fri night for a week to devon so that should be good, school hols about four weeks after that, just sorting out what going to do and where! keep thinking might have to get a job!! think the tx might start around 17th July this means scans and et going to be mid and end of aug which might mess hols up a bit and mean i have to be sober at festivals but its will be worth it.
seem to be putting weight on not losing it so really need to get on to the job properly.
take care my lovelies
susie


----------



## bubblicous

afternoon girlies


weel im shattered i worked an 11-9 on both saturday and sunday all on my own in a very busy photo centre with only a 15 minute break 

i hate my work right now normally at the weekend there are 3 or 4 people but no just little old me so was doing the work of 3 people worked my ass off for no thanks typical eh 

ive hurt my back in the process so now considering going on the sick as ive had enough i was feeling bad enough before the weekend off hell now i feel a millions times worse

im suppost to be in tonight again on my own but i really need to weigh up wots more important the minimum wage i earn or my flaming sanity

so rant over sorry everyone

i feel so sick today i think its the weekend cathcing up with me as i barely ate didnt have time and when i was home i slept

my back is killing me think its a mixture of af coming and siatica starting up wot fun eh 
ive just had enough

sorry for my overlly selfish post but i just wanna sit and cry 

will try and do personals later on xxxxxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi just a quicky from me as im tired but i am getting loads of symptoms but am only half way into my cycle, so my head is going a bit crazy as you can probably imagine. Do you think that its just signs of pcos? because its so early into my cycle? 
I went to buy a new out fit today and it was too small , so have decided enough is enough im going on a diet!! <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZKxdm021YYGB%2526i%253D10%252F10%255F8%255F12%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">








have been to my allotment and planted my first lot of potatoes today, well i say i did, i made hubby do all the hard work and i watered them 

Oh and i have a bit of a silly question, its realy bugging me i need to know  well you know iv not been ov'ing, well does that mean im not producing an egg? if im not producing an egg, what happens to them? do they all build up? i am soooooo confused? 
please help.

lots of love as always xxxxx


----------



## emsylou

wheres evryone gone? xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi emma

I'm here!!!!

In answer to your question about your eggs, from what I understand we're born with our lifetimes supply of eggs so they are always there.  If you're not ovulating it just means that they are not developing and being released from the ovary, usually every month one grows in a follicle on the ovary and is then released mid-cycle.  If you're not ovulating, something is going wrong with this process. It could be that the egg is growing but not being released, or that it's not growing at all.  This is just my understanding of it - I hope it's right!!!  The consultant I saw last week thought that I might not be ovulating regularly either, it does get confusing though doesn't it!!!

Faithful x


----------



## bubblicous

afternoon ladies

im feeling a bit    today im so not sure how i feel im up and down all over the place OMG
one minute im happy and fine next minute i wanna sit and cry or hide under my duvet 

i cant believe this at the moment i just wanna be normal again 

well apart from that im not to bad my back is still very sore grr which doesnt help matters but its much better than what it was i took monday and tuesday off work and im now not back until in till saturday which is good

af is due on saturday ive had cramps but nothing much 

today i took youngest dd to nursery and on the walk home i threw up in the street i was mortified it came from no where i felt a little nauseus but not really badly just a little but then that happened 

so apart from that nothing much else happening here

emma- hey hunni hows things hope your ok   

ffh - how are u 

anyone seen missy around lately

suzy - thanks for you kind words  

pand - i bought that book i started to flick through it but didnt like it so put it down 

everyone else 

big hugs


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hi all

Bubbs sick ay  

Emma i am here just not got much to say  

Im feeling unwell today slight sore throat ,bad head and slightly sick .I hope its not toncillitis again  

Hello to all the rest of you


----------



## emsylou

ffh - thanks hun, it is a question that has been bugging me like crazy, i thought that they are already made up and i was worried that because im not ov'ing that they might cause a blockage or something but you have gave me some understanding so thankyou sweetie.

wbg - sorry to hear your feeling poorly hope you get better soon hun, i havent long had the flu, sore throat bad head runny nose the works, so i hope its only a 24 hour thing and you feel better soon.

Bubbs - ben missing ya hun, hope your ok, am gonna pm you in a min.


----------



## tuck

Hi girls

I'm here too checking in but like others it seems just been really poorly all week with fluey thing that I just can't shake, hot and cold achey, sore throat and the most horrendous headache that won't go.   Become addicted to painkillers.

Sorry no personals 

Take care

Tuckxxx


----------



## cinders35

Hello ladies,
Just thought would pop on and say Hi.
I am reading most days, but not got much to say either! Also very busy with decorating, cake baking tommorrow for school fete!  
Sounds promising Bubs  .    
Hope not tonsils again WBG,    
Faithful, have pm'd you.  
Emma, think Faithful covered the ov question. Hope you ok.  
Hey Tuck, hope you feeling better soon  

Lainey and I have decided to meet up on sat 28th. We think we are going to meet in Gullivers eco park in milton keynes. (Check out the website). Anyone welcome to join us for the day  

Suszy    

Pand, not long till end of term now!  

Jobo, meant to text you yesterday. How did it go?  

Missyb, miss ya  .

Lainey,
                        
                       

Love to all,

Cindersxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - hope it's a good sign hun.

Cinders thanks for the pm, have edited my post now correcting the name!!

Tuck - hope you're feeling better.


Will pop back later 
Faithful x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Ps - Has anyone else spotted emilycaitlins signature?!!


----------



## bubblicous

i just went and looked there

emilycaitlin - massive congrats babes woohooo bet your chuffed to bits


----------



## bubblicous

everyone hey 

im trying not to look into sickness as i dont want my dreams shattered in 3 days anyhoos my eldest dd has been complaining she feels sick for the best part of the afternoon/evening so i think its just a bug

so i thought id post now im feeling a bit more positive still feel pukey though but like i said think im in for a bug

so ive spent most of this week so far in a state of nothing bascially just surving and doing wot i need to survive but ive finally decided that i need to try and snap out of it my poor girls having to put up with a mum like me nmoping about cause i dont feel good i thin i am slightly depressed but gonna try and get myself out of it dont really wanna go back to dr as before i was on tabs for ages 

plus this week i have good things to look forward to tomorrow youngest dd has sports day and its also my day i spend normally with my close friend which always cheers me up 
then on friday i have my bridesmaid dress fitting will try and get a nice photo to show you all im actually looking forward to that 
my sister is coming over from ireland so i will get to spend time with my gorg nephew
on sunday i have my nephews bday party and then me and my sister are going to see boyzone 

so i dont have time to be depressed plus i have to work inbetween all of this and make the rest of my sisters wedding ivites so they can get sent out by the end of next week 

so on the whole a more positive me is going to be on here i promis though i may come back for a moan now and again but im gonna stop feeling sorry for myself


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - glad you're feeling more positive about things, it's good to have your sisters wedding to look forward to. Sorry if we jumped the gun, we're all so used to looking for the slightest glimmer of a bfp!  You're right to keep your feet on the ground  

Faithful x


----------



## bubblicous

ffh - it had totaly crossed mine and dh mind as its the 2nd day in a row ive felt like this but just dont wann set myself up for a fall and as im getting to the end of my clomids next month being my last cycle the falls are getting worse as i cant keep saying to myself well never mind so many more months left

my sisters wedding i wouldnt exactly say its something im looking forward to well dont get me wrong the wedding i am but all the hassle thats going with it at the moment is not good infact ive started getting dh to answer the phone as im scared it my sis or my mum moaning about something wedding or other so dh answers the calls and often tells them im sleeping 
as theres alot of arguing going on at the mo about it and keep getting put in the middle


----------



## faithfullyhoping

bubbs - oh dear, well  I guess if nothing else the wedding is taking your mind off things a bit!!!
What happens when you finish your clomid cycles? Do you have to see consultant?


----------



## cinders35

Blimey, you kept that quiet Emily Caitlin!!!
Congratulations on your lovely bfp!
Love to all
Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

I took dd to school today with a little spring in my step.
I kissed dp, and waved him off whilst he looked on adoringly at me as I mixed, grated, mashed and weighed my ingredients for the cake I am making for school fete. Sticky chocolate speckle cake.  . Doing a fairly good impression of Nigella if I do say so myself.
Al went well until it was time for the cake to come out of the oven.
Or should I say pancake, it was as flat as...
I then had to scrape it out of the cake tin, I clearly hadn't prepared the tin properley  . 
So I have too piles of crumbs cooling on the cake rack, waiting to be glued together to resemble the aforementioned sticky chocolate speckle cake  . Oh the humiliation.... 
I have second sponge cake in oven, just plain old chocolate sponge, I'll see how that goes. Otherwise going to cheat, and go to m&s, buy one, bash it up a bit and pass it off as my own work, good plan?  
It would seem like I can't make cakes, or babies.... 
No nice little buns in my oven...
Good for nothing...
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## cinders35

p.s Go Lainey     Go Lainey


----------



## cinders35

Just got second one out of the oven, marginally better, but not suitable for public consumption  .
All that effort, all morning...
Why did I bother? 
Cx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Cinders Sorry about the cake morning how annoying   did make me lol when you said buy one and pss it of as my own good idea


----------



## bubblicous

cinders -      im usless at baking to sweetie id just buy something   goodluck with it though if you keep on trying

ffh - im due to see the cons next month just after my last cycle finishes dont know wot shes going to do 


anyway for me today my back is still killing me i think its af plus the siatica not fun at all we have parents night tonight at nursery so that will be fun 
eldest dd is still not very well shes running a temp so shes in bed at the moment

big hugs for everyone xxxxxx


----------



## emilycaitlin

Thank you all for your congratulations!!!  I've known for 3 weeks nearly now, but wanted to keep it quiet until I had a scan, which I had last Sunday, which showed a heartbeat, and the consultant said that as one was seen at this stage, my chances of miscarriage have dropped from 25% to 4%, so have now got my ticker sorted!  Have spent the morning with my head over the loo, so hopefully things are going well!

I was going to tell you all earlier this week, but people seemed to be a bit low, and it just didn't feel right for me to be coming on with a bfp.

Hopefully though, this will be the start of some   for all of us, I'm sending you lots of    

By the way, the only thing I did differently that month was eat brazil nuts and drink pineapple juice for the two weeks before ovulation, and had acupuncture the day after ovulation, so give it a try, you never know!


----------



## wouldbegreat

Congratulations emilycaitlin and a natural bfp too well done honey


----------



## faithfullyhoping

emilycaitlin - congrats again, hope I didn't steal your thunder?!     Morning sickness then, lovely - I don't miss that. I had it for 9 months with dd  

Cinders - sorry about cake making disaster, nothing more annoying after all that domestic goddess effort!  If its any consolation I made flapjacks yesterday and overcooked them  
What's happening with Lainey then? I think I've missed something.

Faithful x


----------



## tuck

Hi all

Emilycaitlin congratulations honey that is the most fantastic news.  

cinders - sorry to hear about the cake, maybe it wasn't you but the oven, talking of ovens and this is really embarrasing we called the guy out to our fan oven the other day cos it didn't appear to be working,  the first thing he did when he got there was flick a switch to  put it onto fan doh..... it turns out in the 5 years we had it we had been using it on the wrong setting!!!!!!!! no wonder our baking was cr%%p.

Bubbs hope your little girl feels better soon and that you are ok too?

Hugs and  to everyone else.

Well still feel dreadful and just been to drs who has signed me off work.  It appears it has now turned into tonsillitis so got prescription for anti biotics.  This is such a stupid thing but I am about 3DPO and I'm really scared that if some miracle had happened (which is really unlikely) would the antibiotics affect anything, anyone know?? I just want to feel better but don't want to risk anything.

Tuckxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi Tuck - sorry you're feeling so rotten.  I'm not sure on the antibiotics question, did you mention to your doctor that you were trying to conceive? I generally always check if I have to have antibiotics. If you're really worrying about it then perhaps you could give them a ring in the morning to ask, you could say to the receptionist that there is a possibility you could be pregnant and could they check if it's ok. Alternatively you could try the pharmacist, they're trained on things like that I think! Hope you manage to sort it out, I always think it's better to be cautious about it, it's murphy's law that the one time you took something unsuitable you'd be pregnant!!!

Faithful


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi girls

Emily Caitlin                   

Congrats hun.  At last, some good news.

Just popped on to let you know that I am PUPO.  Only two eggs unfortunately yesterday, one fertilized so they put it back today.  All very unpleasant, although Cinders sent me a text that made me laugh so much it took my mind off it a bit.

Hi to everyone.

Lainey x


----------



## lainey-lou

Forgot to say, my baby would have been due today


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lainey

Hope this little embie snuggles in tight.   

Faithful x


----------



## dizzyloo

Hey ladies, Apologies for those of you who don't know me, but was flicking through to see how you girls were doing and saw suz's post wonderng how I was. Well.......
The babies were born at the beginning of May at 34 weeks. Our little girl was 4lb 4 and our son was 5lb 7oz. sadly the joy of a wonderful natural delivery was spoiled when they placed my son in my arms and I realised he had Down syndrome. What followed was him in intensive care for a week with a suspected very serious bowel problem. He was in hospital for 2 more weeks although we were able to bring our daughter home after a week. We had 2 babies in diferent hospitals  and our DD at home. Has to be the most stressfull time in my life, at least I didn't have time to worry about how I felt after the birth as was too busy careering between hospitals.  However he has recovered fully and they are both  now thriving. I guess there is a lot of comfort in the fact that we will never know which one of them was due to IVF, because I think it would have been easy to blame ourselves. 
Anyway despite having a few too many chromosomes he is absolutely beautiful  (they both are) and given the fact their conception was millions to one and then for his condition to have been missed at the 12 week scan I can't help wondering if this special little boy is here for a reason. Nobody knows what life has in store for their kids we just know one of ours is going to need a bit more help.
Wishing you all the best of luck
Lots of love
Dizzyloo


----------



## emilycaitlin

Laineylou 

dizzyloo - what  moving post, you have been through such a stressful time, and you sound like you have coped better than many of us could.  I wish you all the very best, and congratulations on your two beautiful babies xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Dizzyloo - Congratulations on your beautiful babies and delivering twins naturally, I guess that doesn't happen too often these days. It sounds like both of your babies were meant to be, I'm a great believer in that.  I wish you and your family every happiness with your new additions.


Just a little me post - I've spoken to my consultant today, and am going to see him tomorrow for a chat and a scan.  He rang me back 2 minutes later and said 'Would Tuesday be any good for your lap?'    I thought he might fit me in in a couple of weeks, not in a few days!!! Anyway, I'll see what happens tomorrow, at least if it is Tuesday I won't have long to think about it, just a bit scared about having a general, I've never had one before.

Faithful x


----------



## lainey-lou

Dizzy - great to hear from you and congratulations on your two beautiful bundles.  I am sure you are right and he was meant to be.  I hope you are coping ok, you must be run ragged.  Please post again and keep us updated on their progress.

ffh-wow, that was quick.  How great though, don't worry about ga, it will be all over before u no it.  Good luck.  Let's hope it sorts you out.

lainey x


----------



## bubblicous

hey all 

just a quick note before i go to work i start in 20 minutes and im still in my pjs  af arrived this morning bright and early so looks like round 6 starts tomorrow
still got a sore back and feeling nauseus but hey ho thats life
bring on round 6 

big hugs to everyone who need them and to those who dont will catch up with u all on monday as im out at work all day out for dinner tonight and then tomorrow i have a bday party and boyzone 

oh had dress fitting yesterday for sis wedding my dress is gorg i love it to bit i felt a bit bloated in it but my mum says that just cause af was on her way fingers crossed but i have 11 weeks to shed a few pounds anyway xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Bubbs - sorry Af has arrived, but have a great weekend anyway. Hope round 6 happens for you!!!

Been to see consultant etc for pre - op stuff. Had internal and a scan    He thinks he can fit me in on Tuesday but can't confirm until monday, which I don't mind.  However I'm in a bit of a panic as I've been offered a job interview on Wednesday which I won't be up to if I have op late on Tuesday!! I need to find out more about job, the lady emailed me saying to phone her over the weekend, but she only gave her work number which is on answer phone    I'm all confused now. Consultant did say we could put it off a week if I want to but I'd rather get it done this week if I'm not going for job interview!!!!
I've had nothing to do for weeks and then two major things happen at the same time, typical of me!!!

Faithful x


----------



## emsylou

hiya girlies, my youngest dd has brain damage and where her brain is damaged it has grown a cyst which causes her to have epilepsy, well... she was playing fine yesterday and went for a lie down on the setee and i went to check her because she was quiet and her eyes had rolled right to the sides and i was trying to call her but she couldnt move her eyes to look at me, and she went all floppy like a baby, and then she went into a very violent fit and went very stiff and was throwing up, so spent the night in hospital last night while she recovered, i watched her evry move all night. 
am feeling a bit tearful today though, i know nobody's child deserves to have problems, but i just feel like i have failed her, she had these problems because she contracted a form of meningitis when she was 6 days old. My poor little girl, its so hard to see her suffering in apin and theres nothing i can do to help her, i was holding her in my arms while she was fitting and just felt so helpless, there was nothing i could do to help her, i could see her going blue like the last one she had, when she ended up being on intensive care on a ventilator, luckily she managed to rbing herself out of this one but it was still 15 mins of watching my little girl in pain. She screamed all the way to the hospital and when i was talking to her she couldnt turn her eyes to look at me because she was so exhausted.
Me and hubby had a huge row before she had her fit, about money and stuff, he is starting to go back to the old him, where he just likes to pick things and have a go. 
Im sorry for babbling, but i feel like in the last two days my world has just hit rock bottom, and i cant see no way up.
xxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Emma - That sounds awful, your poor dd.  It must be so awful to see her like that.  I hope she's improved a bit now.  

Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies. Long time no posting - sorry.

emilycaitlin - CONGRATULATIONS !              

izzie - spotted your signature ! CONGRATULATIONS !              

laineylou - hey PUPO lady !!!!             .  I have everything crossed for you.  Thank you for the advice re: anti depressants.  I sat and stared at the box for 5 days before plucking up the courage to take them.

Pand - hey hun.  How's the homeopathy going ?  How're you doing without all the stuff - spices, garlic, coffee, wine etc. etc. ?  Are you like a woman possessed   ?!!!  Was lovely to see you last week.  Hope we can do it again soon.  How's DS's shiner ?   

Cinders - thanks for your texts  .  Hope you're OK.  

Suszy - how are you hun ?  When are you starting your tx ?  Best of luck         

Tuck - sorry to hear you're feeling so isolated having withdrawn from friends.....I can completely sympathise with you on that one.  June is the month when all my now 'old' NCT friends firstborns birthdays are - I say firstborns as they have all gone on to have no.2 and I still have only DS.  I stopped meeting up with them a while back, and we haven't been invited to any birthday parties this year.  On the bright side, I don't have to invite them to my DS's birthday next week !  Joking aside, it's really tough, but they have absolutely no idea what we're going through, and just seem to pop sproglets out like they're going out of fashion.  Have you got over your tonsillitis yet ?  Nasty nasty.  Hope you're feeling better  .

FFH - good luck with your lap on Tuesday.  Don't worry about the GA.  I've had a few and it's fine.  Hope you get the job interview sorted out too.  Let us know how you get on with both  .

emma - sorry you are feeling so down.  You have had it pretty rotten recently haven't you ?  How's your DD ?  Hope she is better.  I was moved by your post about her brain damage due to meningitis and seeing her go through the fits that she has - you shouldn't beat yourself up as it's really not your fault.     

bubs - good luck for round 6 of the nutty drug.  Sorry you've been up and down lately but it's probably that blasted drug - it sent me crazy.  Hope you enjoyed Boyzone !!!

WBG - how're you ?

Missy - miss you but keep texting !  

Lyndalou - thinking of you        

dizzyloo - congratulations on your twins !  What a moving post about your DS.  

Sorry to anyone I've missed - not intentionally.

As for me, well I haven't posted for a while as I have been pretty down, and I don't expect people to keep having to read about my miserable life !  I've been signed off work for a further 2 weeks with depression.  Finally started my anti-depressants on Monday after having stared at the box for about 5 days wondering whether I should take them or not.  Been down the rocky road of anti-d's before and part of me wasn't accepting I was there again I think.  Anyway, they won't kick in for about 3-4 weeks so I'm still pretty much the same, though I do feel better for not being at work as things have been very stressful there for a good 18 months or so.  Even though I've been off work I haven't relaxed once as I have way too much to do and loads to catch up on - having a very lazy DH doesn't help.  This weeks plans are to finalise stuff for DS's 4th birthday party next Sunday, which includes making a cake.  Last year he asked for a Thomas cake, and I (stupidly) decided to accept the challenge......8 hours later and the final masterpiece was ready !!! Never again !  This year he wants Roary - great !  Mind you, I have spotted a Roary cake in Morrisons so if all else fails I'll be doing a Cinders and pretending I made it myself !  Getting increasingly weepy again at the thought of him turning another year older, alone  .

Anyway, starting to digress slightly there !  Had my counselling at the Priory on Monday following the consultant appointment where he thought I wasn't ready for IVF as I was in such a state.  Hate doing things like that.  Found myself talking about all sorts of cr*p and completely going off the subject of SIF but the counsellor was as much to blame as I was for that !  Anyway, due to childhood issues that have progressed to the present day, I feel like a failure in everything I do, and apparently that is part of the reason I feel so bad about the SIF as I am blaming myself, which comes naturally to me after a lifetime of being made to feel like that by my parents.  I also apparently have too much stress in my life....yep, can't disagree with that one.  Oh, and my DH needs to help more......er, yes !  Knew that already !  Oh, and I'm experiencing a grieving/loss process for the child I've never had.....it's the first time I'd thought of it like that but agree completely. Had a few tears but remarkably held it together pretty well - I think at the back of my mind I thought that if I got hysterical they'd refuse me tx.  Was pretty mortified when I came out though as no-one could tell me what happened next so I felt completey in limbo and started to go into panic mode as the big clock started ticking loudly in my head.  When I got back to the car I rang my consultants secretary from the local hospital and got the ball rolling with IVF...without discussing it with DH.  To cut a long story short, he went for (and I quote Pand, sorry !) "the most expensive w*nk he'll ever have"   on Friday and we'll get the results of that tomorrow.  We then have a consultant appointment now at the private hospital (as we have to pay) on 14 July to progress to the next step.

So, all is going fine you may think.  Then I speak to DH about it - don't get me wrong, it has been discussed many times before but I think neither of us really thought it would come to this stage.  He starts to get all rational about everything and says we can't afford to do it, and even if we did scrape through one IVF tx, that would be it, end of.  Me in panic mode started to wail, knowing full well that chances are one IVF tx won't work, and we have a huge row.  Anyway, he has moaned on to me so much about it over the past few days that I am now starting to doubt the whole thing myself.  I know from others that it is a horrendous process to go through and more often than not for nothing to come out of it.  I know it's ridiculously expensive and can split people up (and heaven knows we don't get on brilliantly as it is) but part of me is so desperate to cling on to something and as we've been told IVF is our only hope that I want so desperately to give it a try, otherwise I feel my dream of ever having another baby is down the pan.  I know I am rambling now but I am trying to express what I feel, and that is sheer desperation.  I know I could come plummeting down on the other side of the tx if it doesn't work, but I feel that if I don't give it a go I will never know.  And I'm fed up of DH saying things like "it's a lot to go through", when all he has to do is toss into a pot (sorry to be so crude).

But the best thing has to be what my ever so unhelpful mother said to me the other day - "well if IVF doesn't work it's because you just weren't meant to have another".  This is after a visit from her last week when we went to a car boot sale where I was eyeing up some beautiful M&P stuff on a stall and she said "there's no point you looking at that....you've got no chance".  So helpful.  This is from a woman who has also told me in the past that the reason I'm not pg is 'cos I'm either not having enough sex or not doing it at the right time of the month......well blow me down with a feather, THAT's where I've been going wrong !!!!!!!!  Oh, and "can't you just be happy with the DS you've got"....well no, I was thinking of dumping him for another.  AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  

Sorry, rant over.  Sorry I haven't been around much lately.  I have been reading but haven't felt up to posting.  I'm very up and down with everything and am not sure on what to do next.

I wish you all lots of love and luck         

Jo


----------



## wouldbegreat

Emma so sorry you have had a bad time with dd   

Jobo   hope you start to a bit feel better soon  and im so sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment   

Hello to all you other lovelys  

Im cd23 and still no surge   Its wierd i think it wants to happen on holiday  

I had an indian massage this morning it was bliss  

Im off on holiday tomorrow catch you all friday will miss you all take care


----------



## Pand

Hi girlies,

Just a quickie tonight as I'm supposed to be doing some work, but just checked in and needed to answer a couple of posts!

Emma - I'm so sorry about your DD.  It must have been an absolutely terrifying experience and I can't imagine how frightened you must have been.  I really hope she's on the mend now and that things start to pick up for you.

EmilyCaitlin - My god you have been through so much hun.  I'm  so pleased for you.  Fingers crossed for a safe and happy pregnancy, you so deserve it!

Dizzy - So lovely to hear from you.  Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful twins.  What a scary rollercoaster you have been on.  It seems highly unfair that after going through so much to get pregnant you should have such a horrendous time delivering.  I'm sorry that your little boy has downs, that must have been a real shock, but from what I know of you he's a lucky little boy, as he has a mummy that will love him to bits and always be there for him.  I wish you the very best with all of your children and please stay in touch!

Jo - You're the reason I needed to post tonight hun.  I'm glad that you are finally opening up on here and telling everyone how you're feeling.  You never come across as moaning or being miserable, and you are always so supportive of everyone else, you have every right to lean on the rest of us when you are having such a rough time of it.  I'm worried my text came across wrong the other night.  I was in a rush and I hope I didn't come across as dismissive in any way.  Your mum is a controlling, over critical bat.  I know we've talked about this before, but you need to find a way to stop her heartless comments from getting to you.  None of what she says is true.  It's not a case of it's meant to be at all, although sometimes we feel a bit like that and your mum saying it is just playing on your worst fears.  None of us know what life has in store for us, there is no divine plan, it's just all random sh*tness!  There is no meant to be or not meant to be, just pot luck.  I wish I could find a way to help you shut her out and stop hurting you.  As for DH and the IVF, well men always put the rational slant on it don't they?  They just seem to feel like it's their mission in life!!!  But we don't function like that, especially when it comes to IF.  We think with our hearts and our in built instinct to want children.  You would cope fine with the ups and downs of treatment of that I'm certain.  I do worry that a negative cycle could really tip you over the edge, but then I know that doing nothing is just as likely to do the same thing.  If you feel ready to do it, just go for it flower.  Take each bit as it comes, just one step at a time.  I know DH has questionned doing more than one cycle, but that's a bridge you will have to cross when you come to it and please god you won't get to that bridge because the treatment will work for you.  Only you know in your heart what you are able to cope with and you have to follow your heart.  If you're not sure, don't rush into it, it will still be there as an option.  I'm really sorry we can't make DSs birthday party, and I really hope it goes ok with all the smug fertiles there.  Keep smiling sweetie.  I'm still here for you!

Lots of love to all!!!!!

Pand


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Just a quickie as I'm supposed to be preparing for a job interview tomorrow. It's so hard trying to think about what questions they're going to ask me!! I really hope i get the job, it's the first job I've actually got excited about since having dd, and it's term time so will fit around dd really well! I'm feeling pretty good at the minute and not thinking about IF too much. I think I'm trying to take the view at the moment that if it's meant to be it'll happen one day. Having said that I'm booked in for lap and hyst next Tuesday so it'll be interesting to see if he finds anything.  

Will catch up with personals after tomorrow, I promise.

Love to you all


Faithful x


----------



## jobo5572

Faithful !!!!


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi Girls

FFH - good luck with the interview tomorrow, I hope it goes well.  

Jobo - I am glad to hear you are finally taking the happy pills, they will sort you out    They won't take away the burning desire to have another baby or the sadness at that, but they will mean that you can function a bit better and not be all-consumed by IF.  I am sorry that you have had to deal with some stupid comments too, why do people say such idiotic things?  I could   them.  Ignore what other people have to say (easier said than done I know), they don't understand.  Sending you hugs  

Emma - I am sorry to hear that your DD had a fit, it must have been terrifying.  It's so hard having kids - you want to protect them and keep them safe and, sometimes, that just isn't possible and you feel helpless.  Your DD is lucky to have you as her mummy and you should remember that - you were there holding her and cuddling her and that is what matters  

Bubbs - Sorry the witch turned up.  Let's hope it is 6th time lucky for you  

Susie - hope you are having a good holiday  

Pand - hope you are winding down a bit now at work and aren't so stressed  

Cinders - really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday and looking forward to meeting DD.

Missy - love ya x

Hi to everyone else.

Nothing to report from me.  Test day is 5th July.  Not very hopeful, expecting AF to arrive there or thereabouts.  Not stressed about it though, didn't expect a positive result so won't be that devastated  

Lainey x


----------



## jobo5572

Lainey -              

Advice please ladies......DH rang up for his semen analysis (is that SA ?!) this morning and I don't think it sounds too good but obviously I'm no expert.  Although he hasn't got specific figures, what he has told me is as follows:

* the count is "lower than normal" but nothing to worry about (his words or theirs ?)
* the movement is OK but "low"
* the shape is "OK"
* they recommend IVF as the way forward

Now am I reading too much into this, or could this be the reason we're not getting pg ?  Are his swimmers not up to the challenge ?  DH has been offish with me all morning so I'm presuming it's a male pride thing.  Is there anything we can do to improve the   ?  He's on Wellman Vits (when he remembers to take them) but that's it.

Confused...as ever.

Jo


----------



## cinders35

Hey you guys,

Have been reading but not posting for a while. Just been very busy, trying to get organised for impending summer hols, not long now   !

Firstly Dizzy, so good to hear from you hun! Conratulations on your two new beautiful babies.    
It must have been such a shock to find out at birth about your son having downs.   No time to prepare yourself. It's not what we would wish for our children, but I'm sure that you will have a lot of pleasure from your future with him, and he will have the love and support he needs from you. You just remember to take time out occasionally and look after yourself too!  
I wish you all the best of luck and happiness for your big family!!!   

Emma, can't imagine how distressed you must have been for dd,  . Bless you, I didn't know you had been through so much  . And then to top it off, your dh seems to have the same knack as my dp, and be able to start acting up just when you need him the most! Hope things have settled between you and he has been more supportive  .
Hope dd has picked up hun, keep us posted.

Jobo, I am glad that you have opened up a bit. That's what this site is for! You can spill it all out on here, and know that we understand only too well how you are feeling. It must be very difficult when you and dh not singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak re treatment. Just wondering if egg sharing would be an option you would consider to keep cost of ivf down? With regards to sperm sample, dp took extra folic acid and zinc, but would wait to see what your consultant says first. Dp count was ok, but   were swimming round in circles and not being 'forward and progressive.' I'm sure you know all the no smoking, drinking, loose underwaer, cool baths stuff anyway. Your dh will be chuffed about that hey?!  

Pand, you seem so busy at the mo. Hope you are ok hun  . You deserve your summer holiday. With bells on!!!

Lainey, god I hope you are wrong, so so wrong!!! Am keeping everything crossed for you hun!!!      

Suszy, hope you are enjoying your hol  .

Missyb, well done on promotion hun! you go girl  

Hey Faithful, hope the interview went well. What job is it? Have you HAD lap and dye, or is it next tues?     for whichever tuesday! 

WBG, hope you got your surge on your hols! And got up to lots of    !  

I have hidden myself away from my friends since m/c. Think I posted on here that I couldn't face them and their broods of children  .
I have started to get back out there. This week have held an 8 week old, and a 5 month old baby... . It's tough, real tough. Today I had to listen to someone at work go on and on and on about his new grandaughter, and how her older sister (4yrs) is so thrilled to be a 'big sister.' Times like that I could scream and blub my heart out  .
However I don't think I am worthy of another child anyway. I have raging pmt, and dd was in the firing line today     .
I am    
Having said that dd would try the patience of a saint right now! I don't know if it is because it is nearing the end of term, but she isn't going to sleep at usual time, and so I am having to wake her in the morning. She is moaning and whinging at anything and everything. Nothing I do is enough at the moment. She was even moaning that she doesn't like her friends tonight! 
I don't want her to turn into a moaning Minnie, but I don't know how to stop it  .
I want to enjoy the time I spend with her, not be bickering between us. How have I fallen into this? And how do I get us out of it? 
Feeling very sad, pathetic and hopeless.
Why can't I just deal with this?
Love
Cindersxxx

p.s can't imagine where she gets her moaning minnie tendancies!


----------



## Pand

Hi girls!

Cinders - Aw chick.  Your DD is the same as every other child at the end of  a long term and a long school year!!!  Most children get tired and whingy about now, so DD is no different honest!  And I should know!  I have 23 of them every day!  You so deserve another, you really do.  You're a lovely mum and I think deep down you know that.  You have been very brave this week.  I'm not surprised you've found it hard.  To see your friend with the 8 week old baby takes a lot of courage and must have hurt like hell.  I'm proud of you for getting through it.  Keep swinging chick.

Jo - Without your DH's numbers it's hard to say what the outlook is, but it might be having an impact with your issues combined together.  It sounds like you would be good candidates for a successful IVF cycle though.  Is your next appointment on 19th July?  You can ask Mr Watts then.  Don't panic yet, but follow all the advice Lainey gave!

Lainey -  I'm not giving up on you yet!!!!!     I know you're not holding out much hope and I know it's a double edged sword for you, cos even if it is positive you will still be terrified.  Sit tight chick.  I am keeping everything crossed and hoping and   it works out.

FFH - I'm really impressed with your attitude at the moment.  YOu sound so positive.  I hope the interview went well.  Let us know how you got on!

Quick me update:

Combined Sports Day/ Family Picnic/ Fete that I've been planning went off really well today, despite a few showers!!  Still loads to do before the end of term, but I'm getting there!

Having a real financial crisis at the mo though.  Money situation is awful!  So in debt and it just seems to be getting worse.  Eeek.  

On CD 12 and no sign of ovulation yet this cycle.  I was really hoping that my homeopathic remedy might have sorted it out for me, but I'm not sure yet.  Oh, well.  I think I've lost all hope that it will ever work for me.  But I still hold a tiny flicker that I might get lucky one day.  Ha Ha Ha!!

Love to all!

Pand


----------



## cinders35

Thank's for that reassurance Pand!
Though I am beginning to think that dd is starting to act like an 'only child'  . How do I love and cherish her without giving in to her every request to play, have icecream, eat sweets etc, without all out warfare?! and tears? And that's just mine!   Don't know if it's like this with more than one child? Or is it because I'm her 'beck and call girl'! Anyone spot the pretty woman quote?

Well done on the sports/fete/picnic family day! No wonder you been so busy!!!

I hold on to flickers of hope for us all!!!

Come on Lainey, we need a boost  !

Love to all,

bit calmer so far today!...

Love

Cindersxxx


----------



## bubblicous

hello girls

well last day of the nutty pills today then thats me no more clomid for a whole month or so as im having a month off then need to say what dr says in july when we visit her 
im a bit touchy today noticed a short temper so dh better be good tonight or he will be getting it   

my youngest dd graduated nursery today so thats her all big and going to school i had a little bubble when she went up for her certificate i couldnt help it

cinders - big hugs to a lovely lady   

emma - how r u hunni hope your ok

ffh - how did the interview go 

pand -    

hugs to all


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Thanks for all of your good wishes about job interview - it seemed to go ok, but they're not going to let me know until next week so I've just got to wait at the mo!!!  The job was for a careers adviser going around independent schools, it was term time work, but only for about 7 months of the year, so basically I would get a very long summer break every year!!! Not sure how I feel about that, I don't want to get bored, but on the other hand, I might appreciate a bit of time out.  Anyway, don't know if I've got it yet! 

My lap is next Tuesday, so it will be good to get that done. especially if I have got a job starting in september.

I was feeling pretty positive about life, until I got a text today about a friend who's just given birth to her 3rd. I'd completely forgotten she was due about now, so took me by surprise. Made me realise that I'm still so vulnerable which made me mad with myself. I just want to get over it and appreciate what I've got    I'm not sure how to feel about the lap either. On the one hand it will be good to finally find out what's going on inside, on the other hand, if he doesn't find anything then it's back to square one! I guess I can't alter the outcome so there's no point worrying about it!

Cinders - Like Pand said, dd is probably just tired. It has been a very long term, and the light nights seem to keep them up later. My dd has been a nightmare going to bed recently and she's always been a good sleeper. I'm sure you're a good mum, and so what if you spoil her a bit, when you've got an only child you can do!!

Pand - well done on your school organisation. It sounds like a full time job in itself without teaching a class of kids every day too!  Try not to get too stressed about the ovulation, it must take a bit for your body to get back into sync after treatment. Also those LH sticks don't always work anyway! 

Jo - Good for you getting the ivf ball rolling, I hope you feel that you're doing something positive now. I think it's better to just get on with things than to feel as though you're hanging around waiting to start something. I don't think that that's something our lovely menfolk understand! I think that the sperm count thing could perhaps be a factor alongside other things, ivf should be able to overcome that problem anyway. It's my dds birthday on saturday, she'll be 6 - i really can't believe it. I never thought I'd have a 6 year old child without any siblings    I totally know how you feel about ds's birthday, I remember when my dd was 3 feeling devestated but I really didn't think I'd still be trying 3 years down the line! On the other hand I've kind of got used to it a bit more now, you do get stronger and more able to cope as time goes on I think. Hopefully by the time your ds is 6 you'll have another one running around.


Lainey - I know you can't bring yourself to hope, and I know what you mean about going through the motions, but it just might work this time! sending you lots of    and    

Bubbs - Hope it works for you this month so that you won't need to see your dr in July - well only for a scan anyway   I remember when my dd finished nursery, it's such a milestone and so hard when you're desperate for another baby - you just want to hang on to the one that you've got!!


Emma - How's your dd? Hope you're all getting over the shock of it and that dd is more herself.  

wbg - Have a lovely holiday, hope it happens for you this month hun.

Suszy - How are you sweetie? I know you're coming up to a big thing with your last lot of treatment. How are you feeling about it? we're here for you hun.

Emilycaitlin - Hope you're feeling ok? Hows the nausea? 

Must go and get dd into bed and be a dutiful mother!

Loads of   to you all

Faithful x


----------



## whippet

Hi ladies just back from hols and not caught up yet just wanted to pop on and say hi and been thinking of you all.

Catch up soon

Whippet x


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi whippet

So sorry, I missed you out!  Hope you had a nice holiday and that you're looking after that  little bump of yours.

Faithful x


----------



## bubblicous

whippet - have a nice holiday  

ffh -     

where is everyone its so quite on here HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOO


well im having some pains in my ovaires slightly worrying as i only took last clomid yesterday and normally the pains start about day 11 with me but they arent agony i dont even need pain killers but im aware of it if that makes sense (rambling a bit i know)

so 6 more sleeps till our holibag and i cant wait

going shopping tonight for new shoes yippeeee to go with the gorg dress i got for my hubby mates wedding its all so exciting 

im working right up now till wednesday and then we go away on thursday but i will try and get on for a wee hi before i go if not more 

kisses to all


----------



## tuck

Hello all

Just wanted to let you know had not forgotten you, still got the lurgi, the tonsilitus has been knocked on head by anti - bs but now I am left with the most dreadful cold.  Still going to work but not really had much time for much else.  Away for w.e but will  catch up when i get back

Love and   and   to all

Tuck xxx


----------



## nanook

Hi y'all just a quick one to say HEEEELLLOOOOOO! mssing you all and hope you are all ok xxxx


----------



## emsylou

hi girlies, thankyou for all of your kind msgs, dd is much better now, its just a matter of waiting to see what her consultant says about her meds. sorry am only here for a quicky so no personals, but will do them later.
I do have a quick question though before i go, my af is due today, i have had realy sore (.)(.)'ies but today i have had lots of cm,sorry tmi, but i have had a look on the computer at the diagrams and it looks the same as what fertile cm looks like. HHHmmmmmmm?? am very confused, is it too late for me to ov? sorry think im going a bit crazy, but i am also having wierd af pains, i had them realy strong yesterday but today im having none. I deffo feel like its going to happen though.
Love to you all xxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

well my baby was 6 today!! How did that happen? I'm ok about it though, just kind of accepting now. 

Tuck - Sorry you're still feeling poorly, hope you manage to get rid of your cold over the weekend and that you have a nice weekend away.

Nannook - Good to hear from you, hope you're getting on ok, we've been thinking of you.  

Emma - Glad dd is doing better, hope they can sort her meds out so that it doesn't happen again.
I'm not sure about the ovulation question - but if in doubt a bit of BMS never hurts!!

Bubbs - Hope you have great holidays, where are you going? (sorry if you've said before, I've missed it.)

Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone

Faithful x


----------



## whippet

Faithful had to laugh at your comment on my little bump cause am HUGE! Going private on tuesday for nuchal scan and to see if my large 1 baby at 7 week scan has changed to 2. Saw a midwife at work on wed. for a sneaky listen in and she asked if I was sure of dates! Explained ICSI baby and she said I too big for 1 on board oh well its either a sumo or 2 either way know I am blessed and very very grateful.
Holiday was fab read 4 books and did very little else.

Love to all

Whippet x


----------



## SUSZY

hi girls      
back from my week in devon, the weather was kind and we had every day on beach in varying conditions.
had a good time chilling with dh we got on a lot better, still not 100 but good, he had a good bday and good to see him relaxing surfing etc! aslo ds had good time and my mum and step dad looked after him mostly, also other friends nice to spend time with. We ate and drank too much but thats what hols are for.  just having my last wine for not sure how long as af happened whilst away, once again it takes a day or two to come and is over in the same amount of time but the best thing is I now know some dates although need them to be confirmed by bham hospt but day 21 is 15th july so pretty sure scan will be 29th and two weeks late ET if they do it on a tues and two weeks later test day so basically by end aug well 26th will know one way or another and I really really want to get to that stage. I just want to know whether preg or move on and get a dog or a job! We worked out that we have spent 8k on trying for a 2nd not a lot compared to some of you but still a lot of money that perhaps we should have spent elsewhere. whatever just want to get on with it. suppposed to be my last wine tonight which is going to be hard but have put too much weight on.
dh remernicsing watching glasto!!!
so much has happened on here and pmd some of you, so much has happened to so many of us

nanook   did i miss your post on here or was it msg from me as knw we been texting but please come back soon as we all love you and are here for you - please pm me with a message for her - hope you had a good bday

tuck    hope you feel better soon honey, sounds like you have it bad - you are probably abit run down too honey with all you have been through - we here for you

whippet -   good luck with scan nuchal folds are great and you get a really good scan - let us know if its twins!!!!

ec wel done honey congrats! so pleased for you  

emma -   so sorry sweetheart - thinking of you must be so hard     

lainey           thanks for your good wishes for my hol and for keeping me posting and good luck pupo lady and please keep up the pma - i am not good at cakes or cooking in fact not sure what i am good at other than typing what I think!

cinders    hope you had a good day today and sending you lots love love and hugs- i am trying to organise my summer hols too/ dont worry about dd being a moaning minnie think it happens to them all at some time or another and if they had sibling they would be fighting with them in stead so stop beating yourself up woman!  she is lovely and take it easy holding all those babies you dont want to over do it!

jobo    have pmd you as ever your posts so ,moving and know exactly where you are coming from, we are here for you babe we really are and try and ignore the negative comments darling. please remember we are here fo you and love you- i know EXACTLy what you mean about being left out of bday parties    and first borns i really do sweetheart and it is survivable perhaps not how we would have chosen it but i am here to tell the tale!

dizzy so good to hear from you and congrats know its going to be hard for you and am here for you   

missby we miss you honey, how are you, what are you up to darling  

pand - sounds like you have been really really busy and think we are all looking forward til the end of term - 3 weeks to go would love to meet up with you and miss your texts  

ffh - hope you get the job, it sounds interesting, it made me laugh when you said about your baby being six as mine is 6.5!! we saw a vid of him the other day when he was about 2ish and it was so cute but makes me cry esp when see how happy i was and thin!!! good luck honey for lap hope it goes well - it all happening for you    

bubb good luck honey - it will happen one day  

wbg good luck hope all ok  

lyndalou thinking of you honey   

love to everyone else
be back soon
have missed you and sorry not sent any texts was out of range for a week


----------



## Pand

Hi all!

Still very busy!  DH's birthday this weekend and only three weeks to get ready for next year at school!!!  EEEEK!  So sorry I haven't been on much (I haven't forgotten you all honest!).  During the Summer Hols you won't be able to get rid of me! (Sorry I haven't been in touch Suzy... texts have been as few and far between as posts!).

School sports day went really well but came down with a horrendous cold on Wednesday and felt really poorly on Thurs and Fri.  Then to top it all off I had been using the OPKs all week and no sign of ovulation.  I was absolutely gutted when I got a negative again on Friday morning and cried on the way into work.  I've never ovulated later than day 14. So felt very down and phoned my cons to make an appointment.  Then on Saturday morning I got a positive OPK!  Aggh... I was so relieved but after all that angst!

Anyway sorry for the me post.  Will catch up on personals soon.  

Love to all.

Pand


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Pand - Hi, I know it must be mad at work at the mo, my friends a teacher and she's been snowed under too so don't apologise for not having time to post. Glad you ovulated in the end after all the angst - it's always a relief when you don't think it's happening. Not long to go until you break up now and have 6 wonderful weeks!

Whippet - How exciting that there might be more than one!!! Let us know as soon as you find out!

Suszy - Glad you had a good holiday and that the weather was good. I think we all know how you feel about wanting to know one way or another so that you can get on with things. 8K is a lot of money and it is frustrated to think of all the other things that you could have spent the money on, but hopefully this will have a good ending for you and you'll have a little bundle of joy to show for all the £s you've spent.


Had paperwork come through re lap yesterday - all very scary, had dreams about operations last night! I'm such a coward when it comes to medical stuff!!! I know compared to what a lot of you have had to go through it's nothing major but it's quite scary for little me!!!

Anyway, going to go and do some chilling now and try and have some nice thoughts to go to bed on!!!

Faithful x


----------



## cinders35

Hello ladies,
How lovely to see you all!!!
We missed you Suszy, but glad you had a nice break away  . I hope you are feeling very positive about your little snow babies   . How many have you got in the freezer hun?

Pand, what a relief that you ovulated hun!! Very very glad for you. I trust you had a good weekend then   ! Though you've been so busy by the sound of it, it's a wonder you've had any energy!

Faithful, hope dd's birhday went well. I remember feeling sad because no pregnancy at dd's 2nd birthday, panicky at dd's 3rd birthday, desperate by her 4th, sad at her 5th, think 6th may well be like you, resigned! You are perfectly entitled to feel nervous re lap & dye on tues, but having seen LOT'S of people have it, and having had one myself, I'm sure it won't be half as bad as you'd imagine!     Best of luck Faithful! Make sure that if they find any problems, that you have signed consent for them to treat them if appropriate. i.e treat endometriosis.

Whippet, best of luck for the scan hun! Good to hear you are keeping well.

Nanook. Hope life is settling down for you hun. It's good to hear from you.    

Tuck, hope you have managed to fight off those naughty germs  . Get those multivits down you!

Hey Jobo, what happened at that job interview? Any luck? Thinking of you, and hoping those happy pills will work their magic soon. How are ds birthday celebrations coming along?

Lyndalou, hope you are ok. We are here if and when you are ready  . Thinking of you   .

Emma, glad dd is doing ok now.   for her.

Bubs, hope you ok  

Misssyb, miss ya!  

Lainey,                   
            
           

I am ok. Just have fairly horrendous pmt still!! Had counselling session on friday, we have decided I am doing ok, and going to take a break over the summer. Have appointment for sept made, unless I have any crisis in the mean time. Think it has really helped.
We still haven't had our review appointment after last cycle, so I guess that is next step. Might wait until I know what I want to do next first though. Still not sure. Part of me feels like I really CAN'T give up, but part of me wants to have a normal life again, and put an end to it. So as you see, not there yet! Dp wants todo another cycle, but said he will understand if I feel I am unable to.  

Anyway, hope you have all had a nice weekend, and enjoy the coming week.   Weather good for a couple of days so I hear...   

Lot's of love,

Cindersxxx

p.s Could those of you still intereated in the meetup, check out the date on the meetup thread and let me know  . Thanks.x.


----------



## wouldbegreat

Hi all 

You have been busy i can't keep up  

I had a great holiday   lots of washing to do and put away now  

I am Cd31 and don't feel pg but i was CD24 on the sunday before we went away and still no surge i ran out of sticks and didn't want to test on holiday so i may of ov CD26 or CD27   how late is that   My others have been cd20 or cd22 so  haven't a clue when af due  

All to confusing for me ,i feel a bit down about it all to be honest and  am gearing up for another bfn  

Hi to everyone sorry no personals


----------



## emsylou

hi ladies, just to let you know af arrived yesterday .
hope evryone is ok, will catch up soon.
xxx


----------



## wouldbegreat

Emma sorry honey


----------



## jobo5572

Hello ladies

Well, my little boy turned 4 today and is still without a sibling  .  Am heartbroken but have managed to put on a brave face over the past few days for his sake.  We've had a lovely few days.  I spent 5 and a half hours on Friday making a Roary the Racing car cake which actually turned out fab and I was proud of myself for the first time in ages. Yesterday he had his birthday party at a kiddies indoor play area place (great - no tidying up for me  ) and he had a great time.  There were quite a few fertiles and sproglets there but I was pleasantly surprised to meet 2 mums from DS's nursery who also had only children....wow !  A first for me !  A few friends came back to ours afterwards and DS played on his new trampoline in the back garden.  Then spent the early evening with the outlaws but had a lovely meal out nonetheless !  We don't see the outlaws too often even though they don't live far away but at the end of the day, it's their loss, not ours !  Today we took DS to Thomas Land at Drayton Manor and he loved it !!  Money couldn't buy the look on his face when we pulled up there - it was lovely !  I feel so blessed to have had such a lovely child and he means more than the world to me but I cannot believe that he is another year older and still has a useless mother that can't provide a play mate for him  .  I suppose I'm officially on the 2WW as I got a +ve on the old OPK pee stick   last week, but am not desperately hopeful after DH's SA results.

Anyway, enough of me.

nanook - great to hear from you - hope you're OK  

emma - sorry AF arrived, the horrible *****  

tuck - hope you're feeling better  

FFH - good luck for your lap tomorrow    

whippet -  for your nuchal scan tomorrow.  Please let us know if it's twins !!!  

suszy - glad you had a good break and thanks for your PM.  

lainey - how're you doing PUPO lady ?         

lyndalou - thinking of you      

pand - glad you got a +ve too on the old OPK !  Hope DH arrived home in time from work  .  I dread to think of the amount of money I've wasted on OPK's etc. over the years....could've put it all towards the IVF we can't afford !  Hope you've got over your cold  

cinders - glad you're doing OK and I hope your PMT's gone  !!  

WBG - glad you had a good holiday.  Sorry you're feeling down - it's pants isn't it ?

Love and hugs to everyone else......I haven't intentionally missed anyone out.


----------



## wouldbegreat

Gutted AF arrived


----------



## tuck

Hi Ladies

Would be great - so sorry hun 

Emma - grr blessed afs - sorry too, expecting mine any day soon too and sure she is on her way.

jobo - happy birthday to ds, my little one likes roary too and i'm very impressed with your baking well done!!!!  Glad you had a good play date and time at Drayton Manor, we've not been there yet but sure my ds, who is similar age, would love it too.   You sound slightly brighter and your ds sounds great - they are fab aren't they and we are truely blessed.

Faithfully hoping - been meaning to get on before but been poorly.  I just wanted to reassure you (though you probably won't read this before you go)about your lap which i think is tomorrow.  I've had 2 now and like you was scared. by the g.a having never had any medical procedure before.  YOU WILL BE FINE, I was so pleasantly surprised by the aneasthetic, they talk you through it all and before you know it you will be waking up.  I didn't feel scared at all and it is not half as bad as I thought it would be - the build up and worrying is the worst, once you're on it you'll be ok and believe me I'm such a scaredy neurotic cat where med procs are concerned.  Likewise with the laps  I have 3 tiny scars that have faded to nothing now ( which is impressive as they have been used twice)  one either side of my ovaries and one on my belly button.  After the ops i was a bit bloated but not too sore.  My wounds took about a week to heal and it really wasn't too bad  Yours should be more straight forward as mine were emergencies to remove the ectopics.    so wishing you all the best and i hope it goes well and you get some answers.  Lots of love 

Cinders good to hear from you.  Glad the counselling going ok for you.  And your dd sounds just like my ds. mostly he's great but can be a great one for whinging and whining esp when tired.  hows the pmt now  

Pand - hope you're ok hun and things not so frantic, with work etc  hope you're feeling better too.  Glad you got a   on the old ovulation front  

Susie, good to see you back - sounds like you had a lovely time in Devon and lucky with weather by sounds of things.  Glad  you've got your dates sorted and can begin to look forward  

nanook - hi good to hear from you hope you are ok hun.

Bubbs, how you doing?  i know i will prob have a little blub too when ds finishes nursery, how are you? i thnk you may be on hols, have a fantasic time.

I'm slowly getting better from this lurgi. I'm very rarely ill so i must be run down. Had a whole morning interviewing today with little voice and a nasty cough so that was interesting!!!  Had a lovely weekend away - saw my uni friend, she's single so no babies to worry about.  Took ds with us and went to Woburn safari on the sat which we all loved.  slight snag as the hotel i had booked on last minute.com had no record that we were staying there so we had nowhere to stay as they were fully booked.  Fortunately they rang round and found us the last available room in milton keynes (due to concert at the bowl) which was an attic room with little light.  The funniest thing was that there was no room for a zed bed for ds so he had to sleep in a cot !!!!!!!!!!!!  -  he's nearly 4 for goodness sake.  He looked so cute though like a baby again when he was asleep    on the sunday my friends family had us round for lunch so that was nice.  Then back to work.

Not much elso to report, the pregnant friends are all weeks away from giving birth now.  I casually told ds that all his friends were having babies and he was most intrigued.   He asked was he having one and I said no   but he was not at all bothered so that's good.  Think its me not him that will have the hard time dealing with it all.  Am seeing them all on Wed.

anyway thats me now sorry not been on properly in so long and sorry to those I missed.

take care all

Tuckxxx


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi 

Tuck and Cinders - thanks for your reassurance about the Lap, I'm not feeling too bad about it but will be glad to get it over with now.  The worst thing has been trying to get authorisation from health insurance    I could do without that added stress. 


Good news this morning though as I've been offered the job that I went for last week   so some cause for celebration at least!

Must go, got to have lunch as I can't eat anything after 12:00!!!

Faithful x


----------



## izzie

Hi Lainey Lou

Tried to PM you but your inbox is full.


----------



## whippet

Emma and faith sorry folks

Scan went well. We get results thurs or fri but scan today is better than average at 1.2mm so hopeful. 1 healthy baby on board who lay still to get the measurements then as soon as consultant was done he (cant do it!) waved kicked his legs then done a back flip was amazing. My fibroid also likes the pregnancy hormone as it has trebled hey ho can fix it later on.
whippet x


----------



## bubblicous

hey ladies


well i cried like a baby today as it was dd last day of nursery i was so sad all the teachers hugging and kissing her saying how much they will miss her etc (shes been there since she was about 6 months old) so they have seen alot of her in past 4 years she was a little sad too as she will miss them so will i they were hugging me too and i got a few when will you be having another one comments

found out last night yet another cousin is pregnant hit me like a flaming brick 

so we go on thursday i was working all weekend and just finshed a few hours agao that how i havent managed on

so due to ov while were away fingers crossed though the whole idea of     in hubbys sister house is a little weird but needs must   

missing you all will miss you all even more when im in orkney but will be home next wednesday


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

Just a quickie to say that had lap and dye yesterday. I stayed in overnight as I didn't come out of Theatre until about 8pm. Felt bit woozy and was sick when I got home today - lovely!

Anyway he found some mild endo on my ovaries which he zapped and he said my right tube was a bit bunged up so he cleared it. He said zapping my ovaries would also help with any of the multicystic problems if there are still any. So all in all, nothing major but hopefully things which may help. 

Catch up with you all later, tummy still quite sore.

Faithful x


----------



## cinders35

Well done Faithful  .
Take good care    .
Hope it helps  .
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## lainey-lou

FFH - well done on getting through it.  Glad there was nothing major to report.  They say you are more fertile after a lap so   for some good news.

L x


----------



## cinders35

Morning ladies,
Just wondering if I could remind those of you who want to go to the secondary meet up to check out the new date and let me know if you can make it?
Love
Cindersxxx


----------



## dustyrose

HI ladies, 

Just wanted to say hi to everyone. It was ages before we had our internet back (SKY really makes you wait!) but now finally settled in the new house and back from a nice holiday break. So much has happend with everyone on the thread in the last month or so--I have a lot of reading to catch up. I've thought alot about you all and have been keeping you in prayers and well wishes.

Will write again when I've caught up. Take care love FF.......Shel


----------



## lainey-lou

Hi DR - welcome back!

Cinders - I am still well up for the meet up.  Remind me of the date  

Where is everyone  

Well, no baby for me this month.  Full blown AF arrived yesterday (along with seriously bad period pains) so back to the drawing board.  Anyone got some more paper?  Mine is running out.  And I need a pencil sharpener.  Serves me right for all that doodling I've been doing.  Should have concentrated more.  Bad Lainey.  

Lainey x

PS Don't think the hormones have had any effect on me atall  

Oh sh+t, I've spilt the ink


----------



## lainey-lou

Anyone know how to draw ovaries?  Trying to make myself a new pair.  How big should I draw the follicles?  I want lots of them this time and they've all got to be tip-top ones, no rubbish.

Really have lost the plot now, going to bed  

Lx

PS  Why can't I have a baby?  I REALLY want one


----------



## cinders35

Lainey,
I'm so sorry  , you so deserve a bfp.
You are so brave and so determined.
Really need to pm you. Can you make room in your inbox you popular girl?!
  
Love your true friend,
Cindersxxx


----------



## emsylou

morning ladies.

Cinders - how are you hun?  

Lainey-lou - sorry about af hun, and im sorry i dont know how to draw ovaries, but if you do manage to draw some let me know, cuz i think i need some new ones too    i hope you are ok?  

Dusty rose - welcome back hun, hope you are doing well?  

Bubbs - hope your enjoying your break?  

Whippet - congratulations re your scan, glad evrything was good.  

Ffh - well done you brave lady for having your lap done, hope your feeling ok now?  

Wbg - so sorry you got your af hun.

Jobo - dont give up hope hun, theres still a chance that it could happen for you hun at least you got a +ve on your opk it only takes one little swimmer    glad your ds had a good birthday, my dd keeps nagging me to take her to thomas land but i dont want to make plans as the weather is so changeable latley. Hope your ok though?  

Suszy - how are you hun?  

Pand - hope your ok?  

Sorry if iv missed anyone out, but hello to you if i have. 


Well me me me, where do i start....?
Well dh had to go for his appt yesterday and was told that his last sa there were 19 mil spermies but not very good swimmers, and was told that evrything felt fine, but he needs to go for a scan just to check to make sure that evrything is ok. So thats a good thing i suppose, just need to get his count up. Am still waiting for my appt, seems to be taking ages inbetween appts and i get so peed off when i dont get one through the post evry morning to be honest it feels like they need me to push them to hurry up! At my last consultant appt i was told that they wont give me clomid because of the results from hubbys sa but now he has had them felt i am hoping that they will let me have it, because like it only takes one little swimmer to get to the egg, but if im not ov'ing then theres no chance what so ever. Sorry think im starting to feel sorry for my self again  
Had a good week not realy done much though, am not looking foreward to the weekend, think when me and hubby are around eachother for too long then thats when we start to pick little things and want to argue, never mind will just have to grit my teeth. Need to go and get dd's prescription today, am going to ask the chemist to give me a bigger bottle though as she only gets given a small bottle and i have to get a new one evry month, she has been on it for nearly 2 years and will have to be on it probably for the rest of her life so i think imight just ask. 
Id just like to say how lucky and privellaged i am to have met you lovely ladies, you are all so strong and keep me going, if it wasnt for you lovelies i dont think i would be able to get through all the af's evry month and the stress, so just wanted to say thankyou.
Anyways i suppose id better go and do some cleaning as i have been on here most of the morning   

Lots of   and   to you all xxx


----------



## jobo5572

So sorry Lainey....life's just not fair  

Big hugs to you hun      

Sorry, I can't draw ovaries....if I could I'd be doing super-fertile-special-ones for all of us !


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Lainey - so sorry AF has reared her ugly head, it's really not fair    I was thinking of you yesterday and was hoping that she'd stayed away. I know you didn't have much hope for this round but it doesn't stop you hoping as you know there is a chance it will work.  
I can't draw at all so it would definitely be a bad move for me to get the pencil sharpener out!

Dustyrose - welcome back, my sister has just moved house and it's taken ages for them to get internet back too.

Emma - Hope they give you the Clomid hun, it seems silly to not let you give it a go. It only takes one swimmer after all!

whippet - glad scan went well.

Calling all lap people - How long until tummy is back to normal? Was anyone told not to do anything afterwards? Consultant didn't say anything to me but feels like I should be being careful.

Faithful x


----------



## tuck

Hi all

Lainy lou - so sorry things didn't work out this time for you hun.    Perhaps we should try positive visualisation of ovaries rather than drawing, I'm sure we'd all be better at it come on girls       


Emma - how is your dd now?  sounds like they are dragging their feet a little with you and dh situation which can be so frustrating but hopefully thing will move along now.

Dustyrose - good to see you again - how are things with you?

FFH - glad the lap seemed to go well and they flushed your tube and got rid of some endo.  You have a window of higher fertility in the first few cycles after a lap so fingers crossed for you    Re. your question, I think it took about 4 or 5 days for my tummy not to feel so tender and bruised and for the swelling to go down.  It took a week or so for it to feel normal ish.  I was't really told not to do anything though obviously I didn't lift ds for a few weeks but other than that tried to carry on pretty much as normal - hope soreness goes off soon.

whippet - great news on your scan hun 

got af yest though expected nothing less, onwards and upwards more time to lose weight, drink alcohol sigh ,.....  but seriously was really upset as got invited to one of my friends who are about to pop - baby shower.  
Couldn't make it but it upset me buying and wrapping the pressie and imagining them all there rubbing their bumps .. - had nice message of thanks for the gift today.

Well take care of all and have a lovely weekend.

Tuckxxx


----------



## LadyMoonlight

Hi everyone

Used to come here a very long time when struggling with primary infertility. Then a miracle happened ansd I was blessed with this gorgeous little guy:










Anyway, we're back on the ttc trail now and its all going a bit pear shaped due to the fact that Arthur won't give up the breastfeeding and my cycles are all over the place as a result. So just thought I'd pop in as could do with some support as I re-accustom myself to pee-sticks and monthly excitements/disappointments!


----------



## Pand

Morning Ladies!!!

Personals first:

Cinders - have pmd you back!!! 

Lainey - Have pmd you too!!! 

Suzy - Missing you!!

Missyb - Missing you too!!

Jobo - How are you doing hun?  Have you followed my advice?  It only has to be one or two prawns!!!

Tuck - I'm really sorry AF arrived.  Not surprised you got upset wrapping the baby presents... it always does me too!! 

FFH - Glad the Lap went ok and the results sound encouraging.  You have a really good chance of things working for you at the moment.  I caught two or three months after mine last year and my endo is horrendous!!!  So get BMS as soon as you can!  I seem to remember it took about two weeks for my tummy to feel completely normal, but then I'd had a tube removed and my bowel had been stuck to my tummy wall.  So hopefully it will only be a week or so and you should feel pretty much back to normal.  Get well soon!

Emma - Glad dd is ok.  Keep pushing for those appointments, its always the same.

Bubs - sorry you've been so down.  Those pregnancy announcements don't get any easier!

LadyMoonlight - Welcome to our thread!  I'm really sorry you went through so much to have your first little one.  Most of us on here took our first children so much for granted.  I really hope that you don't have too many problems with your second.  It will be really interesting to hear your views on both Primary and Secondary infertility as a lot of us on here feel guilty for getting so upset when we can't conceive when we already have one beautiful child and there are so many people struggling for their first.  We are a really friendly bunch on here and I hope we make you feel at home!

Dustyrose - Good to see you back!

Whippet - Thrilled your scan went ok!  You give us all hope!


Hi to anyone else I've missed off!

A quick me update!

Still manic at school but have finished my four weeks off alcohol so am a happy girl!!!! 

Went to see my cons yesterday.  After much discussion, he's going to put me on clomid, track me and give me injections to make sure I release the egg.  It's good to be doing something positive, but I remember only too well how clomid makes you feel and he's upped the dosage (given my poor response on the IVF drugs) so I'm really not looking forward to taking it!!!!!!  I still don't really believe anything will work, but you have to give it a try don't you.  

More and more as time goes on, I'm beginning to accept that it will be just the three of us, and it's slowly causing me less pain.  I'm beginning to believe that I will be ok with it one day, but I know I'm a long way off at the moment as I still have major blips every now and then. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I just cannot see a future with any more children.  Hope you get what I mean!

Anyway will catch up soon.

Love Pand


----------



## Pand

It's very quiet on here this weekend!!!!!


----------



## LadyMoonlight

Hi everyone

Just popped in to say hello!

Pand - it took us two years to conceive Arthur, so I did have real difficulty getting pregnant

As for my story - well I got married at 22 to a career man who didn't want children, and for the first few years was able to convince myself I didn't want them either.  Well in my mid-late 20s I started getting the "urge" but my ex-hubby still wasn't interested.  I distracted myself by going back to college, having lots of hobbies etc but eventually I just couldn't ignore my biol. clock anymore!  My hubby and I split when I was 32 and I met my DF (we're getting married on 23 August)  He's nearly 11 years younger than me    eek, lol!  He was 21 and I was 32 when we met! *cough*toyboy*  

Anyway, we tried for 2 years before I got pregnant with Arthur - we had all the tests done and were told that DF had a low sperm count and I had mild-minimal endometriosis.  We were advised to have ICSI and as we couldn't afford a private cycle, put our names down on the NHS waiting list.  Lo and behold I then got pregnant naturally for the first time in my life!  I was 34.

I guess I'm really worried that its going to be difficult to conceive number 2 - I still feel that Arthur was an "against the odds" miracle.  Having him means we won't get NHS funding now and at 36 I'm just that bit older and less fertile.  But I love being a mum so much I'd break my heart not to be able to have another baby, or two!

I got my hopes up this month because I had some ovulation spotting and strange, mid-cycle cramping, which was EXACTLY the same symptoms I had when I was pregnant with Arthur.  Anyway, AF turned up on Saturday and I spent the day in floods of tears   . . . !


----------



## faithfullyhoping

Hi All

It has been a quiet weekend hasn't it?!!

Thanks for feedback re lap, I'm feeling much better today almost back to normal. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about conceiving after lap, but I'm really hoping that the endo was playing a role in my infertility.  At least I know that everythings ok inside, I'd always worried about C section scarring but apparently there are no problems with this, my uterus is very healthy. So if I've got a healthy uterus and now healthy ovaries can I have a baby now please!!!!!

Pand - I think the Clomid is definitely worth a try hun. At least you'll be finishing school soon so you'll have a couple of cycles without the added stress of work. You got pregnant before so it could happen again, I really hope so. I know what you mean about gradually getting used to the idea of it just being the 3 of you.  I've been finding that since my last bfn from iui I seem to be getting more accustomed to the idea and I feel that one day I will get there. 12 months ago I could never have imagined feeling like that. I think that maybe the more we accept it and get on with our lives the more likely it is to happen naturally as we won't be so stressed about things, but you can't make yourself not stressed about it, it just has to happen!

Lady Moonlight - welcome to our thread, your little Arthur looks gorgeous. I'm sorry Af came this month, it's horrid when your body plays tricks on you like that. Did you have your endo treated? Just interested as that's what I was diagnosed with from my lap last week, he said it was unlikely to return as it was so mild, and that it might have just always been there.  My DH is younger than me too, but only 3 years. I guess you've tried him on the relevant vitamins etc to try and improve his count?

Lainey - How are you doing hun? thinking of you  

Hi to everyone else, must go and get on

Faithful x


----------



## emilycaitlin

Sorry I've not been around, have been suffering a bit with heavy sickness.  I've been keeping up to date on my mobile, but can't reply on that!!  Hope everyone is ok, I'll get the thread sorted soon, xxxxxx


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## dustyrose

Hello ladies,
Thank you for the welcome's back. It is really nice to be back and catching up on all the news. Its been ages so first and foremost a big congrats to
Whippet and EmilyCaitlin! Great news and it seems like you've helped boost the morale on the board that BFP's for SI really does exist!

FFH-Glad to hear that you lap went well. I had one too in February for moderate endo. Its great news that the Cons said all systems go down there for you. I too was told to BMS like crazy as the next 6 mths are the most fertile and promising. No pressure or anything, right...ha ha ha. 
LadyMoon-Welcome to the boards!
Bubb, Cinders, LL, Emma, Tuck, Jo, Suszy, and MissyB and everyone else (not leaving you out intentionally promise!) a very big Hello!!!!! I have so much to catch up on so will keep reading backwards in the boards...

As for me, well, my life has been a complete adventure the past 72 hrs. Can you believe I was asked to be my best friends birthpartner?! She too suffered a stretch of infertility and we were a huge support to each other. She became one of the 'lucky' ones & Im truly happy for her (and a bit sad for me).I was very blessed to be a part of the birthing experience. I have officially earned my title as Godmother to her infant son and after the weekend I had--I must say that I deserve it. 
I think the hardest thing for me during the whole experience was at the end just as the baby was being born, I got my AF. I burst into tears because it was just so demoralising. I feel so angry with God/mother nature/life that it had to happen in that moment. There was a part of me that foolishly thought that if I got through the experience and stayed positive and supporting that perhaps I could be blessed too. What a stupid thing to believe. The only thing that I was blessed with was knowing that my body is a failure and I probabily will never have another child. The same thing happend to me last year when my father died. It was close to the time of my AF and praying that it wouldn't come. I thought perhaps it would become one of those 'circle of life' type moments where my dads life would sadly end but perhaps another life to begin. I thought it could help ease the pain. I wanted so hard to be positive and hopeful. Wrong. I got my AF the day after he died. 

Why is life so cruel? I just dont understand what I have done in this lifetime (or any for that matter!) to deserve this? Its hard enough suffering infertility but to suffer at times like these just makes it unbearable. And I've been doing so well lately. We just bought a two bedroom house and I got rid of all Bella's baby stuff. Let it all go. I thought that if I moved on and just lived in the present perhaps it would be emotionally freeing and allow me peace for once. And it did. I stopped talking the prenatals and obsessing about things. I just figured if it happens it happens. Of course, i still want it to happen but like some of you have recently talked about, Im just starting to try to accept life for what it is and not make myself so crazy about my infertility. 

Its not fair. Its just not fair. This is the only place I can tell anyone how deeply sad and angry I am that I am infertile. 

I called my Cons last week and basically begged him for clomid despite the fact that he doesnt recommend it and says Im ovulating. This month was my last month to try after the lap before we moved onto IVF. I can't believe Im still not pregnant. Im scared of IVF. Scared of openly admitting my lack of ability to bring a child into this world. Im scared of failing, when already I feel like such a failure. 

My infertility makes me feel so vulnerable. We went on Mark Warner holiday a few weeks ago to Greece and it was baby central. We were the only family there with one child or not pregnant.Im totally serious on this--not exaggerating. I was so scared to meet people and start talking to anyone because I was dreading the question, 'are you having any more?'...it made me realise that I live in a bubble from the outside world because of my infertility. All my friends and family know and I can talk with them openly and they basically know what not to say. But to strangers on holiday, well, it would have made me completely break down and I avoided everyone because of the fear of answering that dreaded question. It just made me feel so crap having to be in that situation in the first place.

Im sorry girls, for letting it all out on you. Especially since its been ages since I've posted. I try so hard not to get down and just get on with life but these moments come and its like a hurricane inside my body. I wish I was the type of person that could just sit with the anger, or break dishes or punch a pillow or just scream as loud as I can. Instead, I gulp it down, and try to neutralise the thoughts with positive ones. Im just so sick of doing this. Im tired and its not working. 
Im all out of words Im afraid. Thank you listening to me if you did. DRxxx


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## LadyMoonlight

Hi Faithful

My endo was apparently "mild" (which amazes me considering the amount of agony I used to be in every month and the fact that I allegedly had a cyst on each ovary) so they didn't treat with drugs etc - I had a lap and dye in November 2005 and my mother thinks thats what did the trick allowing me to conceive Arthur 3 months later.  At the lap they found quite a few spots of endo but apparently there weren't any adhesions or anything like that so I'm still not entirely sure what role my endo had in preventing me conceiving.

DH2B's MF problems seem to stem from an undescended testicle op when he was a baby, and a groin hernia op when he was a toddler.  He had 3 SA's - 13 m/l, 13 m/l and 21 m/l - the first two were obviously too low (minimum must be 20 m/l to be considered "normal") and the last one was just on the borderline of normal but apparently after the sperm was "washed" there was little to no healthy sperm left, which is why they suggested ICSI.  A month or so later I was pg naturally.

I will have to try getting him on vitamins, his diet is pretty crap, like a lot of young guys he lives on fast food and doesn't eat very healthily.  He doesn't smoke and drinks very little.

Whilst I was pregnant my ovarian cysts disappeared (Consultant said it was the effect of pregnancy hormones) and since my periods have returned (only recently as Arthur is a boobie monster and won't stop breastfeeding) they are not nearly as painful as they were pre-pregnancy so I'm really hoping that, as a doctor told me once, endo can be "cured" or at least lessened by pregnancy . . . 

We're ttc naturally right now, considering going back to CARU for some more tests to see how things are looking, but have no idea how we'd go about funding a private ICSI cycle if they recommend that, and not sure if we can rely on another "miraculous" natural BFP . . .


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## Pand

Hi,

Lady Moonlight - I'm sorry if I've offended you.  I'm not sure what I was trying to say came across right.  As you will see from my signature, I've been through a lot myself so I do understand the pain of IF even if it is only secondary.  I'm sorry your AF came. I know how heart breaking it is.  

Pand


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## dustyrose

..and a big hello to Pand and wouldbegreat! (Sorry, didn't mean to leave you out in the greetings.

Off to bed, I've just done a child first aide course tonight after babysitting today and being up for 30 hours in Devon with Friend. Gulp! Tired doesn't even explain it. Im sure that's why Im feeling so down and emotional so please excuse my last post. Its very oh woes me! xxxxxxxxx


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## SUSZY

hi girls
hope you are all ok and sorry been awol again, not sure what I have been doing other than watching BB!!!
Have dates for the tx but am torn between delaying for another month even though dh does not want to.
the dates are down reg next mon, then have to come back from my mums early on 31st, then we go scotland for a week and on the fri 8th have travel to bham for another scan (all the while taking the inj with me) then on 14th have ET and spend first weekend with my dad and second wend of 2ww at musical festival where I get stressed as well as chilled.  When I rang the hossie they said i could not do it as there was a shut down for 2 weeks from 18th and I agrued and said we could fit in and now am getting cold feet thinking perhaps the consul will be off and then the whole summer which as you know us secondary girls look forward to the summer. I just chatted to dh about it and he is determined to go ahead but he is not the one having to go up and down the country with the jabs - we are going to scotland together.  Its just so hard but at least I am in control.

ffh - glad the lap went well and fingers crossed for trying  - good luck

pand - lovely to hear from you, dont like the sound of clommid but at least you know it and it could work. we really must meet up in the summer - another reason for delaying the tx as at the mo my whole six weeks allocated as have had to put a few days at home chilling as well.  bet you are looking forward to the hols

whippet - glad the scan went well

EC - sorry you still feeling sick but its all in a good cause

dizzylou - hope you are all ok darling - your hands are full but in a good way

cinders - hope you are doing well, need to check the final date if do dely tx ET will be 2nd week of sep - 

tuck so sorry sweetheart about af and the babyshower and all the iminents births - thinking of you darling

jobo - thinking of you and hope the happy pills working, glad you had a good party for ds

lyndalou thinking of you and sending you lots of love

emma - sorry about af - thinking of you

bubs - good luck for the clommid

missby - how are you sweetheart - missing you

lainey - so sorry darling, i know its so hard and am here for you

wbg - sorry about af - good luck

dustyrose - nice to see you back and sorry you have been having a hard time, we all do know how you feel and I so relate to the bubble bit and sometimes having to go out of that. thinking of you

ladymoonlight - arthur looks lovely, good luck for the tx, i caught with my first m/c the first month after stopping breast feeding for 14 months

sorry not so much tonight
thinking of you as ever and sending lots of love and light
love
susie


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## angel83

SUSZY
I think u should go for it - sometimes the negatives can bring a positive outcome


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## lyndalou

Hi Ladies 

Not posted for a while. Losing our baby hit me really hard and I just needed some time to grieve. You have all been in my thoughts
and prayers. I will read and catch up on all the unex news. Thank you for all the lovely pm,s they really meant a lot to me x


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi girls

Lyndalou - good to hear from you, we've all been thinking of you.  

Suzy - I don't know what to say re cycle other than I think you need to feel comfortable with it yourself. You're the one that is going through it and if it's going to make you stress about it more then it can't be a good thing. On the other hand, if you're busy I guess it might take your mind off it and make you stress less!!

Angel - how are you? 

Dustyrose - my heart goes out to you, why does AF have to come at such significant moments    I think you are so brave being a birthpartner for you friend. One day it will be  your turn and you'll be thankful that you went through it all.  This whole infertility lark isn't fair, it really isn't, but as time goes on if you don't get your bfp I've found that your perspective changes. Somehow the intense grief passes a little and life gets a bit easier. Also I so know what you mean about holidays, I regularly feel like a freak on holiday because I've got an only child, i find it really hard that my dd doesn't have anyone to play with on the beach apart from us. We went skiing earlier in the year and that was a great holiday because she was entertained in her ski classes all the time and made friends. Also no pregnant bellies on the ski slopes - I can definitely recommend it!!!


Ladymoonlight - I think getting your DF on vits is a definite must, I've noticed lots of people on this board recommending the Wellman ones. Thanks for filling me in on your endo, it's amazing that you got your bfp 3 months after your lap, it does seem to happen quite often. I don't think they really know why mild endo causes fertility problems but the consultants now seem to agree that it does have an affect.  I hope you manage to conceive number 2 ok, have you been trying long or are you just gearing up for the long haul?!!

emilycaitlin - hope the sickness is improving, I really feel for you, I was dreadful with it with dd - although I'm sure it's a good sign of a strong pregnancy.

Lainey - How are you doing? still thinking of you after your bfn.    

Emma, wouldbegreat, jobo, whippet, cinders and anyone else I've missed, hope you're all ok.

Faithful x


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## lainey-lou

Hello everyone, I'm still alive  

LM - welcome!  Little Arthur is gorgeous.  And such a cute name.

DR -    so sorry to hear you feel so awful.  I think we all know how you feel, we have all been there.  I wish I could offer some words of wisdom but IF SUCKS!  I hope you feel a little better soon.

Suszy - thanks for your text.  Don't know what to say re tx.  You have to do what feels right for you, only you know that  

Pand - hope you are winding down now and not too stressed.  Glad to hear the school events went well  

Cinders - how are you lovie?  

Missyb - miss you  

FFH - glad you are recovering well after the lap.  I have everything crossed for you  

Lyndalou - good to hear from you.  It is really cr+p having to deal with a m/c along with IF.  Unfortunately, too many of us on here know what you are going through.  Again, no words of wisdom, just want you to know we have all been thinking of you and hoping you are ok.  

Me - well, feeling generally pants really.  Feel the end of the road is getting ever closer and the brakes on my car seem to be failing so could end up in a big ravine or the sea or some other horrible place (you get the picture).  Useless at these analogy things, Cinders is much better at it.

Not much else to say, what is there to say, it is all sh+te  

Nite nite.

Lainey x


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## tuck

Hello all

Sorry for the me post just need to get some things off my chest as not been good these last few days.

Yesterday baby no. 2 was born to 1 of my circle of ds friends 4 weeks early.  It was a little girl and she is absolutely great as is mum dad and their ds, 4 months younger than mine.  Of course I am pleased for her and when I heard I texted back congratulations and today I have just been out and brought another baby pressie.  But this one has really hit me hard.

It is so hard to put into words but it is like her new arrival has bought to the fore my losses and there just seems to be no getting away from it.  2 born, 2 to go and if I stay with these friends which I must for ds sake - being an 'only child' his friends are so important to him, it will be dealing with 4 newborns all at the same time week after week.  It is so hard  many of you I believe have dealt with this for a long time now but for me these are the first babies born to my friends who all  (out of choice) left more than a 3 1/2 year age gap so I haven't quite honed my coping mechanisms yet.

I lurch from bitterness, why not me, why is it so unfair, why don't I deserve better, what did I do so wrong to sad almost acceptance of the situation but I don't think I will ever accept it.  My mum said today you must get over it but I really don't see how I can at the moment.  Been shouting crying and bickering with dh trying to get him to understand but I just come across as a warped old cow and I am not like that honest!!!!

One thing that really hit me yesterday after I heard the news is that when I went to bed and closed my eyes I had a very real very strong vision of a baby lying in a cot next to my bed.  It was the same vision I had night after night for days after my 2nd ectopic and eventually it went away but I have been trying to work out what it means as it is almost spiritual (and I'm not normally into all that!!) and can catch me unawares and have me crying for hours.  It could be just that I am remembering back to those happy days when I had ds lying next to me in the cot and I would stare at him for the miracle that he is for what seemed like hours, it could be me imagining my lost babies lying next to me asleep if things had been different or, and this is what I would like to think, it could be my future and the baby that one day please God , I dream I will have lying once again next to me in ds cot.  Do I dare to dream, I don't think so because with dreaming there could be disappointment but without dreams and hope ....  I just hope and pray for all of us that we get our dream because we damn well deserve it and noone should have to suffer the pain of IF.

With lots of love to you all and sorry for my sad post I just wanted to share with you how I was feeling right now, noone else seems to understand - will catch up properly later.

Tuckxxx


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## emilycaitlin

New home this way!!! http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=148826.0


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