# how do i cope with pregnancy jealousy



## Katie2680 (Jan 26, 2015)

Hi, 

I'm new to this website but I've joined to just vent... I'm having such an awful time at the moment with jealousy.  My sister in law has just announced she is expecting her second baby and I feel completely heart broken. I'm literally due to have my operation next month to have my fallopian tubes removed and then start my IVF. And feel like their timing couldn't be worse! I know I sound horrid and bitter but it feels like a slap in the face. Why couldn't they give us a little time to get our heads around our situation before trying themselves. Then I hear it happens on the first try which just adds to the hurt. I literally feel like I'm turning green. I'm finding it hard to be happy for them. I feel like this infertility is turning me into a bitter miserable women  
We have been TTC for about 4 years and only over the last year did we seek medical advice. This last year everything has changed.. found out I have PCOS, had 3 failed clomid rounds, lap and dye found I have 2 blocked tubes which they now want to remove which I'm having done next month then BOOM...they say they are pregnant!! I.couldn't sleep last night thinking about it all. I can't seem to shake this sad feeling


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

It's a horrible thing to suffer like this and most of us do understand!
I changed jobs because I couldn't stand being around a pregnant colleague, who banged on and on about her latest scans (even after I told her I was sensitive due to miscarriage) - only to find two people in my new job pregnant after I suffered my second miscarriage.

What may help you is thinking that those people are having their babies, not yours!
Also, most women DO get there eventually. Just think, you now have an answer to your fertility problems, and can hopefully stay positive about treatment working for you.
Plus, all those pregnant ladies will be keen to pass on clothes and advice for your little one. Don't lose hope. Nobody knows the future, but please try and retain the hope that soon it will be you with the bump. Don't be eaten up by negative feelings, just think if they can do it, so can you!
I never considered until I finally got pregnant again with my son, that all those ladies with bumps you see around may have gone through even harder journeys than we have... we just don't know.

Don't feel bad about avoiding your SIL for a while, if it helps. x


----------



## -Susan- (Apr 9, 2012)

Who told you they had success on the first try? I hope not someone who knows your struggles, it would be extremely insensitive.

But that aside you really aren't alone in feeling this way. It doesn't make you a bad person. I don't have any advice as such as I don't think you can escape these feelings, but like broody chick says (and I know it can be so hard to believe it will ever happen for you at times) most women do get there, eventually. PCOS and blocked tubes are generally not among the hardest things to work with in regards to ivf. It could very well still happen for you, don't give up hope. Xx


----------



## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

I'm surrounded by women who get pregnant with a click of a finger at the moment on my team at work there are 5 pregnant girls. My niece will be 1 in 2 days and my SIL said to me the other day she can't wait to have another. My best friend is due at the end of feb. And my other friend had her 2nd a few months ago. Unfortunately this is life. What would be the point of me being unhappy and annoyed at them for something that is perfectly natural?
They can't help that they are so fertile as much as we can't help that we're not. Bad things happen in life all the time. Everyone has their own struggles. Whilst I don't have children and probably never will I am thankful.for what I do have in life. We all have things many others never will. 
I don't mean to sound all preachy and I will never forget finding out about my husbands fertility and crying and crying. I'll never forget hearing my Dh's brothers exwife was pregnant with their 2nd and again I was sobbing asking why their life was so perfect and ours so crap. But then about 5 weeks later it come out he had been having an affair,  given her an sti and left her. That was my wakeup call. Never wish for someone else's life, and never be jealous of what others have.


----------



## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hi Mrs G
Firstly, how you feel is completely normal and I haven't met or spoken with one other lady on this journey who doesn't feel or hasnt felt the same as you at some point.
I think we are incredibly hard on ourselves through this journey maybe because we feel like we have failed in our natural duty as women
But I do think we should be allowed to express how we feel safely on here without being judged 
It's important that you vent these feelings and frustration and it's important that you do that to people who understand 
my counsellor made a good point to me when I was venting the same feelings 
She asked me if I would feel happier in a world where there were no babies or pregnancies to remind me or what we were going through
Initially I thought yes it bloody well would be easier
But then when I really thought it through I realised the truthful answer was no 
I wouldn't be any happier as I still wouldn't have my child 
like someone else said, we master up this image of everyone else's perfect journey and perfect pregnancy and perfect life but really we just dont know what's going on behind closed doors

Someone else once said this to me and I think it's quite heart warming.... 
Just think that every pregnant person you see is one less person that has to go through the pain of infertility which I really would not wish upon my worst enemy 

I hope you're feeling ok about your surgery?
I had my tubes out too and I know it takes some time to come to terms with that loss on its own

X X X


----------



## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

You are completely normal to feel the way you do.  When I found out my SIL was pregnant (first month of 'trying' too!) I was on here saying exactly the same.  It sucks and there's no escaping that.  
I avoided her for her enitire pregnancy and she understood.  Hope yours is as understanding.
What I found though is the resentment and brain mashing jealousy actually wore off once the baby arrived - I didnt want her baby I wanted my own.  Hard as it will be to believe now but you will get over this.
x


----------



## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Yup normal feelings. I avoided any pregnant friend as much as possible as it hurts and it's a beat to take yourself out of such situations. I agree that the pregnant body is worse than the baby as it reminds you what you can't yet have. DH's so called best friend came round to announce similar a couple of weeks after our last mc which they knew about- some people are just simply insensitive and no longer in our close friends. Hopefully she will understand but do put yourself first.
Keep your hope and faith that it'll all work going. I was feeling useless about things at the end of 2013 and am now here awaiting an arrival because it did work and I took a decision to be positive whilst giving ivf a go 
This site is a god sent as no one else understands what we go through.
Wish you lots of luck with your op and hope ivf goes well.


----------



## IrisPetal (Jan 21, 2015)

It was really helpful to read this thread as I am new to FF and really need to hear that others experience similar feelings to what I am feeling at the moment. I feel very down and isolated.

Me and DP are currently waiting for an appointment at the hospital following tests which have revealed high antibodies in his SA. The GP was really unhelpful and said he didn't know what that meant and didn't give us any information about it. 
Very few people know about us trying to conceive and I have been avoiding friends who are pregnant or have babies as I fear I will get really upset. I just feel totally in the dark about everything and have tried to do some research but just waiting to hear a medical opinion in it. I feel I can't talk about it so much with DP as he would like to have a child but to him it isn't the be all and end all. I feel like I have really let trying to have a baby take over everything.

We have been trying for over a year, hence the investigations. Several women of a similar age to me at work are pregnant and it makes me feel really sad that it hasn't happened for us and even more so that it may never. I don't know whether I should be more open with my friends and colleagues, it just feels easier not to go there. There have been occasions where I have felt I might want to but the words don't come.

Are these experiences normal? Is there anything I can be doing to help feel more positive? I try to be upbeat but there are days when I try to prepare myself for not being able to have children.


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Iris, I found Sarah holland's Fertile Mindset course really helpful, it's one on one via Skype.
Lots more positive feelings after every session, and I think it's too early for you to feel resigned to 'not have children' - just have a read of this board to see what odds people have overcome!x


----------



## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi,

I wrote this post several years ago and just dug it up now. I've been very lucky and now have a DD, but I will never forget how difficult and painful the journey was. Massive hugs to all.

Dee

*****************
OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was. Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them. 

And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening. 

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy. I just don't get it.I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is. Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world. 

It is the thing that we share on FF. I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


----------



## Guest (Jan 30, 2015)

Hi Katie, I have had the same news today. I feel like I'm being nasty even mentioning it, as it's supposed to be something joyful. It's not the news it's the person. It's been hard having my sister in law in the family as she is 12 years younger than me, no understanding of my feelings and it feels like she has wormed her way into my mum's heart and money   After 3 miscarriages hearing about her 2nd pregnancy has been difficult. I hope things get easier for you   xx

Irish Dee thank you for your post, it really sums things up and I appreciate it xx


----------



## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

It is really difficult and during their pregnancy it doesn't seem to get easier. My brother's baby is due this Sunday - I'm feeling really emotional this week - haven't been sleeping. It's awful, I feel like I am dreading it! Pleased for him, but really sad for me; then sometimes, I am perfectly fine.

The feeling are perfectly normal and understandable. Irish Dee's post sums it up. 

Hugs. xx


----------



## Baking Queen (Jul 7, 2014)

IrishDee - that is beautiful and sums it up perfectly.
Thank you.
BQ


----------



## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

Such a true thread. It's sometimes so hard to fake a smile when someone breaks their happy news to you.  I was undergoing ivf when a 40 yr old friend (who had been cheering me on) said she was unexpectedly pregnant / hadn't been trying. A couple of days later, I was able to send her a text that said how happy I was for her, and realised that it was probably really difficult for her to meet me to tell me the news. We are fine now and she is due next month. 

The people I can't stand are the ones who say .... You don't know how lucky you are not being pregnant / having children ... And saying something bland like I'd love a glass of wine, or being able to have a lie in..... I find a look of contempt normally shuts them up!!


----------



## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

To add to Irish Dee's post:

You wouldn't say to someone who had alopecia: 'My hair feel so great after using that new conditioner. Thick and glossy; I love the fact it is nearly down to my bum.'


----------



## kirubai_k (Jan 28, 2015)

Pray to God for strength time is the best healer


----------



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Honestly, I was so consumed by this emotion for years it was AWFUL. 

But I PROMISE you, it gets better.

Pain fades. 

If you are in the middle of treatment, give yourself a huge big break..... these feelings are normal.....

But eventually they fade. And I swear I write that as someone who never ever ever ever thought they would feel OK again

Love to all

X


----------

