# Worried about references and support network



## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Hello,

We've talked to a couple of LAs/VAs now and they seem to need between 3 and 5 references, two of which can be family, one from DH's side and one from my side.

Although I don't have a great relationship with my family and they live in Germany and don't speak English very well I can get a reference from my younger sister, so family references aren't the problem.

We've been living in the UK since 2008 and have moved 4 times since then, started off in Scotland, moved to Lancs and are now in the Midlands... Due to this and also due to us distancing us from friends, who had children, we don't have many friends here and none (yet) where we are currently living. 

This makes it a bit difficult to get references from longstanding friends (due to the circumstances of my childhood I never had any friends in Germany either, that's different for DH, though). I've got a very good friend who would be willing to give a reference, but he lives an hour and a half away, doesn't have children and doesn't know how I am with children. 

Also the support network will be an issue I guess, because we haven't got any friends near. DH's family is very supportive and if we needed them, they would be on the next plane to come here without any doubt. We could call any of them (including aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) any time to chat and ask for help and advice. 

I am so worried that these things will disqualify us straight away. I have read through all of the 195 pages of this board and what everyone always seems to say is 'Be honest upfront'. There are so many things I would need to mention upfront though, that it is not really practical to do this in a call to an agency. 

DH has a very close friend, who has known us together since we became a couple. He knows a lot about the highs and lows of our relationship and therefore could probably tell SS how strong our relationship is and what we had to go through. He as well doesn't know us with kids, though...

Does anyone have any suggestions what I/we could do? Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice, it's greatly appreciated.

S xx


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## Nieta (May 7, 2015)

Hi! We also don't have much family nearby (just 1 person in fact!) or an extensive support network due to moving as well.

First of all, don't worry about your references knowing how you are with kids. It's more important that they know you and can vouch for you. Your sw will expect you to have experience with kids though and possibly observe you with the kids, maybe talking to the adults involved as well if it's something like a playgroup (not sure if you've planned ahead for that yet or if I'm throwing another spanner in the works!).  

It's great that DH's family can offer so much moral support and that will definitely work in your favour. Sw's will also want to see a local support network of some sort. We were asked who we would contact in case our car breaks down and we need to get LO to school and other practical things like that. Do you have neighbours, colleagues or other acquaintances that would help you with emergencies if needed?

We were worried about our possible lack of references as well but managed to include more people than we originally thought possible. Good luck!


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## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Hello Nieta - Thanks for your reply. We do have experience with children. I've got 2 significantly younger siblings, 8 and 10 years younger, so have learned how to change a nappy or feed them looking after them. Also, DH and I have both worked in a nursery school for 1 year each some years ago as part of an apprenticeship in social care. We also have a niece and a nephew (they are now 3 and 8 years old), who come to visit us regularly with their parents. I then sometimes do things like taking them to the swimming pool. 

I am not sure if I could volunteer due to working full time. I am never home before 6, normally later than that. 

At the moment I don't know who I would call in an emergency...probably my DH. Luckily our employers are quite flexible, so if he had to leave to help me out, he could. That's the same with my employer. Our neighbours are nice, but only having lived there a bit over a year, we're not close to them at all. We do talk sometimes, when we see eachother outside and we've helped them out putting up their garden fence, so I guess I could ask them for help, if I really needed someone (although I don't have their telephone number, so couldn't call them, if I was out).

I was planning on helping out if there is something in our village, like a car boot sale to raise funds for the village hall or if there is anything else going on. I thought that would be a good way to get to know people and integrate into the village.

I just hope we can come up with something...


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## Mrsm291 (Jul 20, 2015)

Hi Neniel,
We chose our references based on our closest friends, and my father (as we felt he would write and speak better in their 'interviews' than DH's parents would). Our reference interviews were concluded yesterday (Stage 1 they just had to fill in a form and write a letter; but Stage 2 they all met with our social worker face to face) and they all commented how surprised they were by the types of things they were asked and what was talked about. Apparently they were only actually asked a couple of questions about me and DH, and the majority of the two hour meeting was for the social worker to go through with them, their knowledge of adoption and the type of children that could be placed with us, and how they could help support us with this. ALL of our references said that they learnt so much and feel so much more knowledgeable about the issues that we as the adopters will have to face, and also the type of issues that our children will have. The idea of a support network has really been pushed to us and our references, and has been highlighted time and time again just how important it is.
In terms of experience we also felt that we had enough experience with children with nieces and nephews and friends etc. but we were told that we didn't have enough experience with 'stranger children'. We are now volunteering: DH at scouts which is in the evening and me at a visitors centre of a prison on weekends. 
I'm sorry that my answer sounds like i'm putting a dampener on things for you, but I was really surprised myself with the emphasis that has been placed on having a support network, and gaining experience before hand. The way it was explained to us is that because there are more adopters now than children, you want your PAR to stand out as much as possible. This will happen with how they can envisage the particular children with you and as part of your life/lifestyle. And how you will make them feel most at ease and work through their issues. 
Good luck! x


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## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Hello Mrsm291 - Thank you for replying and for being honest. Knowing what will be expected is exactly what I wanted to achieve by asking this question, so I can try and prepare myself as much as possible.

I know SS put a great emphasis on the support network. That's what got me worried. We both have experience with children that are not family, as we both worked in a nursery school for a year and I did babysitting as well. Also in the apprenticeship we both did, we learned a lot about child development and things like that. Volunteering in a visitor centre of a prison sounds interesting and is something I shall look into. Not sure if there is one near us, but I'll find out.

The support network does worry me - I mean, I understand it is important, but having moved around so much, it isn't easy to make friends and won't happen over night. I hope this doesn't put a stop to our dream of having a family...


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## Mrsm291 (Jul 20, 2015)

The child development experience and apprenticeship sounds like it could be the kind of experience that's needed so that would be something to promote definitely. 

You're totally right about it being difficult to build up a support network when family isn't near by and you have moved a lot - I feel for you! Really though, I guess if you can demonstrate that if and when the chips are down, you guys could call on someone who will be able to help you (even if it is on the end of the phone) then I think that's what they're looking for. 

We've been really lucky with our social worker and she is great at explaining what they are looking for - just keep asking questions and try to pre-empt as much as possible. There are so many other aspects to this adoption process - try not to let yourself get too worried about this at the moment. If you are the right kind of candidates to progress then you LA/VA should recognise that from early on.


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## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Mrsm291 - Thank you. You reassured me a bit that it might not be impossible. I am still in the very early stage trying to decide which LA/VA to go with. I just want to be as prepared as I possibly can be. Both DH and I want this so much, that we really don't want anything to stop us.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi All

we have recently moved to a new city and this was a concern for us as well. We figured that SW would soon see it as concern if we didn't mention it so we have been up front throughout. Basically we have said that we know adopting when we live far from our closest friends and family will be hard but we are addressing that by making a massive effort to build our social networks now (invite those neighbours round for coffee!) and by keeping in touch with people who are far away so that they can be there for emotional support. They have been happy enough with this and I haven't felt they are too worried. 

Good luck!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

I can't stress enough how important a support network is once your LO is placed. 
During assessment I was more concerned with meeting SW criteria but since having LOs home I realise that a support network is vital, especially if you are either single, or your partner will be going back to work at some stage, leaving you alone with LO. 

But all is not lost. I have built up a support network since start of placement by attending adoption support groups, meeting adopters through my SW, meeting adopters via Adoption Link community etc. 
You can join the adoption link community once approved and search for other adopters / prospective adopters near you. I'd really recommend doing this once approved so you have people to connect with. 

I'd also try to connect with your neighbours. It might help to tell them your plan to adopt and you may find that they offer to support you once LO comes. 

I would have loved to have someone nearby who didn't work and who I could drop in on when I was feeling lowest. Maybe an elderly neighbour? Just some adult company. 
It's so hard at first and the feeling of isolation can be immense as other parents at toddler groups etc aren't always as supportive as fellow adopters. 

It's definitely possible to build up a network but I really would start now and think about how you can increase. 


Good luck x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Nienel, A support network is utterly vital but I must say that none of our family live close but can provide emotional support over the phone and it also means they won't be trying to visit all the time. It's also important to add that once children are placed your network will alter! Some of the friends we thought would be there for us weren't and if your parenting style is very different to friend's then that may impact on how much time you spend with them once a child is place. Don't forget you'll also make new friends at the nursery/school gates.

However, having said all of that, one of the requirements for every LA/VA that I know is that you can demonstrate stability and be living in your house/ local area for at least 2yrs. Moving lots and not keeping in touch with friends made doesn't show this. It may be worth reaching out to the friends with kids you've lost touch with. I say this because although it's understandable to distance yourself from these friends whilst battling infertility, you have to demonstrate that you have stopped any treatment, grieved and come to terms with not being able to have birth children, if this is one of your reasons for adopting.

In terms of family being in Germany, you can turn this into a major plus point. Teaching a child a second language is a real positive and can demonstrate how you balance multiple cultures and differences in your family and how you could support a child of a different ethnic/ cultural heritage to your own.

You seem to have lots of positives going for you but there are definitely things to work on.

Best of luck to you for the future!!


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## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Hello and thank you for your replies.
We do have a couple of friends with kids, but none of them live close. It's really not that I didn't stay in touch with my friends, but due to us moving to another country and then moving around a lot here we've never made a lot of friends here. Also due to the nature of our job in Scotland we worked with a lot of people from all over the world, who have since gone back to their countries. I've had a difficult childhood myself and never had any friends while I was in school, because everyone always thought I was strange...therefore there was nobody I could have kept in touch with in Germany.
With regards to moving...we didn't move because we wanted to, but because we had to. The first 2 moves where within the same are, the first because DH only had 10 days to find a flat when he first arrived in Scotland and took the best he could find within out budget, which wasn't great. We staid there for 3 months and then moved to a nicer flat, when we had time to look for one; the new flat was in the same street as the first one. We lived there for 2 years and then decided to buy a house, which was in a different town, but only 15 minutes away. Then DH became depressed and lost his job. He couldn't get another job in the are, but found one in Lancs, so we moved there for work. The last move to our current house was because of me getting a job offer for considerably more money than I previously had, I didn't look for work, it sort of 'came to me'... We're settled now, have been in our house for a bit over a year and both have good jobs. We love the are we live in and are hoping to buy the place we're now renting at some point in the future.

We definitely do have people we can call for emotional support, friends and family, just nobody nearby (the nearest friend living about 1.5 hours away)...


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi nenail

My oh didn't have any childcare exp and our sw wanted him To get some before we went to panel as they would ask us about exp with children exp the age range we were intending to adopt.

I was luck as I have a very large family and have been looking after babies/children since I was 9. My oh sadly is any only child and never has.

We borrowed my nephews twin boys who are 1 1/2 for a few hours every weekend.

At first I did everything and oh watched, but the 3rd time he was doing it all and I watched.

The AP mentioned this and seemed very happy with what we had done to get oh the experience he needed.

I did contact out local bevars and cub groups and they did say we could volunteer there to get the exp so maybe that might be another angle. Also you may find people who live close that you can become friends and they can go into your support network.

Good luck xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Neniel said:


> Hello and thank you for your replies.
> We do have a couple of friends with kids, but none of them live close. It's really not that I didn't stay in touch with my friends, but due to us moving to another country and then moving around a lot here we've never made a lot of friends here. Also due to the nature of our job in Scotland we worked with a lot of people from all over the world, who have since gone back to their countries. I've had a difficult childhood myself and never had any friends while I was in school, because everyone always thought I was strange...therefore there was nobody I could have kept in touch with in Germany.
> With regards to moving...we didn't move because we wanted to, but because we had to. The first 2 moves where within the same are, the first because DH only had 10 days to find a flat when he first arrived in Scotland and took the best he could find within out budget, which wasn't great. We staid there for 3 months and then moved to a nicer flat, when we had time to look for one; the new flat was in the same street as the first one. We lived there for 2 years and then decided to buy a house, which was in a different town, but only 15 minutes away. Then DH became depressed and lost his job. He couldn't get another job in the are, but found one in Lancs, so we moved there for work. The last move to our current house was because of me getting a job offer for considerably more money than I previously had, I didn't look for work, it sort of 'came to me'... We're settled now, have been in our house for a bit over a year and both have good jobs. We love the are we live in and are hoping to buy the place we're now renting at some point in the future.
> 
> We definitely do have people we can call for emotional support, friends and family, just nobody nearby (the nearest friend living about 1.5 hours away)...


There are so many positives in your story and I really do understand. I moved lots too due to Uni, finishing Uni, jobs etc. We also rented before buying a property 15mins away but in the same town so it's a lot easier to demonstrate you know the local area. We then moved again to buy a bigger house closer to where we rented initially.

It's not easy making friends in a new area, especially when you're working. Perhaps you could take up a hobby, one evening a week and to gain childcare experience you could help at a Saturday toddlers or brownies/cub scouts etc


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## Neniel (Aug 22, 2010)

Thank you Macgyver and Arrows. I am feeling a bit better about it all now. We do have a support network, even though our family and friends are not nearby, many of them would be here as soon as possible to help if required.
Both DH and I do have childcare experience. I have a younger sister (10 years younger) and a younger brother (8 years younger) and I did look after them a lot when they were young. I also did babysitting later on and did an apprenticeship that required me to work in a nursery school (2 to 6 year olds) for one year. DH did the same apprenticeship, so has the same experience with regards to working in the nursery school. He also has an older sister, who has 2 children (3 and 8 years old now). They come to visit about twice a year and we do lots of things with them. I did take my nephew swimming a couple of times for example. 
In our apprenticeship we also learned a lot about child development and things like that. DH studies psychology, which also included a module about child development.

I will just contact our local LA and see what happens.

Thank you all again so much for your replies.


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