# Grief.



## Mckenzie123 (Aug 19, 2013)

Hi all, 

This is probably my 2nd post. 
I had my first cycle of ICSI and it failed. 
I had a perfect cycle. My follies did what it was meant to; I had the right number of eggs. 6 fertilised and they transferred 2 embryos that were 7 cell and 8 cell. AA and BC so really good!
I was with BCRM and they said no sec in first 3 days. 

We had sex on day 6 and I spotted shortly afterwards. I think that's when I lost them.

I can't explain it but I haven't stopped crying since. I can't face going outside or seeing anyone. I feel spaced out and I have ringing in my ears constantly. i am super tired all the time. 
Apparently according to the NHS there is a waiting list of 6 months before I can have 2nd cycle. 
I am looking to see if I can get a private cycle in before the next NHS cycle. 

Does this horrible feeling go away? I don't like it and it doesn't suit me. 

Thanks ladies.


----------



## one_day_maybe (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi Mckenzie123, first of all lots of hugs from me to you     .  My first cycle of ICSI ended in a chemical pregnancy so understand a little of how you feel, when we found out it was over for us we cried and cried and cried, I had to take a week off work and went round int a bit of a daze BUT I can promise you that it will get better, I know that it doesn't feel like it just now but it will.  We wait so long and put so much hope in to our first cycle, hoping that we'll be one of the lucky ones that its inevitable that when it doesn't work out how we hoped we will be devastated.  Give yourself time to grieve and don't feel bad or guility about doing so.  
Also, I'm no expert but doubt that having sex on day 6 would have been the cause, think how many 'normal' women who don't even know they are preganat have sex and go on to carry to full term.  Please try not to blame yourself


----------



## bekiboo13 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi Mackenzie

I totally agree with one day maybe. My first icsi failed in april and I didn't even have sex and had bleeding days before period was due. I really beleive that this ivf journey really is a lot about probability,  and chance - what we do and what the clinics do is limited beyond that. The research shows that between 30-50% of embryos fail at implantation stage and most women never know as they think their period has arrived - its worse for us ivf ladies as we do know an embryo is there. So please don't blame yourself - all that will do is make u more stressed and fearful when u reach your next cycle.  You will begin to feel better - just gowith how u feel as there is an element of greiving that needs to happen. I'm hoping to start a new cycle nov/dec and having 8/9 months off has been lovely as ive been able to focus back on other elements of my life and relationship that became overshadowed by ivf xx


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

my first icsi cycle failed - i bled at 10dpt, not even getting to the end of the 2ww... i was sad but not surprised as i had been told the odds were against me. I hadn't done anything to cause it to fail it just did. 
That horrible feeling does go away eventually you will find the strength to try again, and you can get a better result next time. Have you thought about asking about immunes investigations? You don't say how old you are but something as simple as extra folic acid might make a difference. Did you have access to an embryo-camera? I don't know if that is available on the NHS yet but if you did a private cycle somewhere where it was available you might have more information about your embryos, there is also PGD testing where they test one cell from an embryo for genetic problems.... your first cycle is just the beginning, most people need more than one cycle.... and there are loads and loads of options and things that could be done to affect the result such as the things i have mentioned here. Please don't blame the result on having had sex it is unlikely to be the cause. good luck for your next go!


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

The sadness doesn't go away, but the horrible, gut wrenching feeling of spinning into an abyss definitely does go away. When our first ICSI failed I felt like my world had collapsed around me. With time you become a bit more used to it and it isn't as raw or as blisteringly painful. It does get better, I promise    Also like others have said please don't blame yourself for having sex, it's unlikely to have made you lose them, otherwise your clinic would have banned sex for a longer period of time if there was any risk.
Try to take some time to be good to yourself and grieve for your lost embies. Eat healthy, get some fresh air, and talk to your DH if you can. You can support each other and talking might help.
Best of luck with your next cycle


----------



## Mckenzie123 (Aug 19, 2013)

Hi ladies. 

It's been a month now and things haven't gotten any better. They have in fact got worse. I feel confused- like somle old senile woman. I also feel dizzy; i have eczema on my lip that's spreading and my eyes burn and are sore (and not from crying). I'm off to the docs to sort that out). 

I have been working hard - probably too hard. I just feel like I can't cope right now & I realise I sound pathetic. it's not me at all. I am usually strong, outgoing and positive. 

I also have a ss (7)  I do all the handovers for him. I feel I am unable to do this any more. Every time I go to the school I cry and feel like I am stuck in the car and can't get out. I love him with all mty heart but it hurts too much right now.

I have started counseling the other day and I am about to go to the docs.
I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I totally didn't expect it. 
I feel an utter mess and the last time I've felt like this was when I got divorced from my first husband. At that time my docs gave me stuff that I took for a little while and I became much better. i don't really want to go back on that. 
Just venting. I'd love to hear from others in the same situ. How did you cope? Did the grief hit you this hard?


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it will take months for your hormones to go back to normal, you are bound to be a bit like this after only one month, i think you are expecting to much of yourself. 
the lip eczema is a clue to how much your body has been through...are you sure it is eczema though? could be a fungal infection or impetigo? anyway hope it clears up soon. please just try and look after yourself and stop expecting your body to magically go back to how it was, you need more time x


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

McKEnzie

I know how you feel my first failed cycle ended about a month ago and this morning I woke up with a terrible emotional aching inside me, I can't seem to do anything today just getting up was a real trial for me.

I felt so much better yesterday I was happy and laughing and really felt the worst was over but then just 1 sleep later I feel almost back to where I started a month ago.

I can only describe it as a overwhelming tide. I don't mean to compete, I just want you to know that there are many of us in the same boat and it's not abnormal to find it hard a month on, i'm personally hoping it doesn't last too much longer!!

You do not sound pathetic at all you are just having a hard time and I have been told that it will pass you just need to go with the swell and not fight it, we are going through a grieving process just like any other type of grief and if you try to force it down it finds a way out somehow.

Goldbunny is right the hormones are also still playing a part and until they settle down it will be up and down.

I truly hope that tomorrow will be better and so in aid of that I will force myself to go out and walk the dog and wait until it subsides again.

I hope you feel better and until you do ranting here is a great release!!!!!

Pudding
x


----------



## Mckenzie123 (Aug 19, 2013)

HI there, 

I am so sorry you are going through grief. I am so glad I am not the only one feeling like this. 

Today I went to the doctor and I was utterly shocked and howled with crying in the car afterwards. He told me that it would seem that I want a sperm donor and not a husband; that I needed to change and love what I have and not what I haven't; that I am destroying my relationship and that it's not much fun for my OH to live with; that I have SS and I have to accept the fact that I may not have any children and do I realise what message I am sending to SS? 

Distraught I waled in the car. My OH came home and organised an emergency counselling meeting. I was grateful for that.

My behaviour has angered my OH. I am not as quick or as with it as I usually am. I am shouted at for this repeatedly. I am sure that he doesn't understand and that's OK. But I'd like him to at least accept how I feel. Right now I can't just "snap out of it". I can't just "get on with it". 

For me, we have never been in as bad a shape as now.


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

McKenzie, if anybody had said that to me, let alone the GP I looked to for help, I would have complained there and then. 

Nobody has the right to judge how we feel about motherhood or how we approach it.

Can you ask to see another doctor, perhaps a female one who may be more understanding.

I hate to say this but I don't think most GPs really know very much about IVF and so aren't able to give well formed opinions or advice.

When we first approached our doctor for funding he spent half of our specially booked double appointment telling us how we could get pregnant naturally! As we had shown him our private test results which gave us less than a 3% chance of conceiving naturally I was flabbergasted to say the least, my hubby is a lot less bolshy than me and even he got annoyed. Every time I tried to explain that we knew the problem and just wanted him to help us apply for funding he shot me down, we left the Surgery feeling very downhearted and whilst I wouldn't wish an abnormal smear on anybody as it is terrifying to say the least it as a blessing in disguise for us as my Gynaecologist fast tracked our funding for us which we would still be waiting for with the GP!

It is very difficult for DHs to fully understand how we feel as this effects them differently to us, plus they aren't charged with hormones that are tipping them upside down all the time!

I imagine its even harder for DHs when they already have a child or children.

I don't think that anybody can really understand the yearning that we feel.

You won't be able to snap out if it, you will have good and bad days you just have to bear that in mind and stay as relaxed as possible.

Pudding
X


----------



## Mckenzie123 (Aug 19, 2013)

Pudding, 

Thank you so much for such an amazing post. You made me feel a little more human. 

Now that I calm and not so hysterical it's absolutely appalling but they won't change and for that reason I won't be writing to complain. I am interested in getting my medical report though. Gawd knows what he's put on there. 

He wanted to put me on anti-depressants as he thought I was that bad. Didn't cos of infertility treatment but did tell me to sort myself out. Nice! 

Yes I know that it is hard for our DHs. I always thought it was easier when they have a child. Thank you for pointing that it may be harder when they do. It is just painful all round. DH and I have had a talk and we understand a little better. He wants to make it right. And he can't. And that must be terribly frustrating. He also feels terribly guilty as he has a child and it's him with "the problem". Im not angry with him though. In fact, if it were possible, I love him even more. He is wiling to go through (and put up) all of that cr7ap and STILL love me. How lucky am I?

Tell ya what though that awful doctor made me cry (howl) for the first time since I had that result. 
I have got a stinking cold, Ive come out in hives, I have eczema and an eye infection but I think it's coming out of my body.  

Pudding, I can't thank you enough. Would you mind sharing your story?


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

McKenzie, I am so glad that something I said has made you feel even just a little bit better! I will give myself a huge pat on the back!!!! ;-)

It breaks my heart to hear how others are suffering with IF even in the midst of it myself.

The highlights of our "journey" (I hate that term on reality shows but hey why not!) are in my signature.

DH and I started trying to conceive  about a year and a half ago, with no joy after about 10 months we looked into fertility tests to set our minds at rest more than anything else.

I truly believed that the consultant would tell us that there was nothing wrong and we would be pregnant soon thereafter.

Sadly that wasn't the case and the crushing feeling I felt when the male factor infertility was diagnosed will follow me forever like a vice on my heart.

My DH was also devastated and we decided to begin pursuing fertility treatment privately as soon as possible.

You know what happened when we approached the GP for funding!

During the usual tests I had an abnormal smear which was cleared as nothing to worry about but my gynaecologist took us under her wing and fast tracked our funding for us. For this I will be forever grateful!!!

Our first round of ICSI was in August and resulted in BFN after a chemical pregnancy. We are waiting for an FET in a few months.

That's the facts, the other side of it is that all of my closest friends have had babies in the last year and I am becoming more and more isolated from them, one of my neighbours had a baby a few months ago and watching her walk past our house is guaranteed to make me collapse into a ball of tears at the moment, how she knows exactly when to walk past is beyond me! only kidding!

In one way I am a very lucky girl as my mum and I are very close and I can talk to her about anything, do you have somebody you can talk to when you need to?

Are you doing any alternative therapies? I am going to start accupuncture soon and I am kind of looking forward to it even through I hate needles! You have to get over that one for IVF don't you!!!!!!!!!!!

What about a chill out day? Spa or something like that to help you relax and stay cool?

Pudding
X


----------



## GlassHalfFull (May 20, 2013)

Hello ladies, i'm currently morning the failure of my ICSI cycle which ended with a BFN on Sunday. I cried all sunday, most of Monday and part of Tuesday, and made it through yesterday with no outbursts, so fingers crossed i'm heading in the right direction. Know what you mean by coming over in waves. Had someone behind me on the tube escalator yesterday telling his friend how amazing it was becoming a dad, and i've never ran up stairs so fast, to get away from his glowing stories. 

I know how you feel Mckenzie123 when everything seems to go to plan then doesn't work, it's hard. At least that means there is hope for another go that our ovaries work. My plan is to us the next month or two to get healthy and topped up with PMA. I'm also goingt o try to find some distraction from thinking about Fertility, as think it is very draining.  

Pudding34 Wow, your story sounds very similar to mine. The joy of MF. If you find the magic cure for Sperm, let me know. Hubby had stopped cycling (15 miles each way to work, although he has sneekily started again as we have fro sties) and has been pumped full of vitamins, which has made a slight difference (although at one point it was a lot worse). 

I'm hoping to start FET in the next few months (have a follow up with the doctor tomorrow to see what's next). Another process to take in and research. 

M x


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Hi Glasshalffull!

I'm so sorry to hear your cycle didn't work , I know exactly how you feel and my heart goes out to you.

You may have up and down days in the next couple of weeks, I can only advise that you go with the flow and accept the bad days when they arrive as all part of the process. They will pass.

My husbands count has also gone up and down in the last couple of months depending on whether it was a clinic or NHS test as we are having the cause investigated. He has now been referred to a specialist clinic in London so we are waiting for the appointment.

I also pushed a variety of changes to my DHs life including looser cotton underwear, vitamins and supplements and exercise, he has sort of had a month or so relaxation on the exercise but I am going to try to convince him to crank that back up in case our forthcoming FET isn't successful, plus it's good for him in any event!

Let me know how your appointment with the consultant goes it sounds like we will be doing FET at about the same time!

Take good care of yourself.

Pudding
X


----------



## neongirl (Jan 14, 2012)

Hi McKenzie, I hope you don't mind but I felt compelled to reply to your post.  I am so sorry for all you are going through.  How are you feeling now?  I'm sorry your doctor was so unsympathetic, what he said was frankly disgusting, you have every right to feel the way you do, you are grieving a loss and it will take time to come through it.  I'm glad that you are having some counselling and I hope you are finding it to be a help.  Sometimes it is useful just to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved and to get out all the horrible emotions like the anger and jealousy and fear.  A good cry every now and again doesn't hurt either, I cry sometimes till I feel sick and I can't breathe but I always feel better afterwards!

I just wanted to tell you it will get easier to cope with, I promise you that.  Each time our IVF fails it hits me like a ton of bricks, I feel lost, numb, sad and angry for a long time afterwards.  But it does get easier with time, and you will be able to carry on.  I have hope for the future and that is what keeps me going every day, and I hope that you will be able to do the same, but at your own pace, and in your own time.

Sending strength and support xxx


----------

