# Unsure at 49 aka being scared in the last chance saloon



## 4lg00 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hi ,
We find ourselves with a chance of going for DE treatment having had no previous tests/assessments or treatments and am unsure whether to do it. Met DP at 40 and after a few years of ambivalence started to tell ourselves it's not meant etc etc.
We both now have big regrets at not trying earlier but, being honest, I don’t think I could accept using DE until reaching complete menopause. We have had a counselling session which in all respects went positively…..but I still left feeling unsure.
Consultation & all tests now scheduled for end Jan with possible ET within 8 weeks. I know there are a million maybes in between but I am now feeling unsure about the whole thing. Main fears:
•	Are we too old from any child’s viewpoint– not now but in 10 years time? (DP =46)
•	Will we cope? No support network around – all close friends 50+ miles away.
•	Complete change of lifestyle if successful. 
•	Future regrets of not trying Versus pain of throwing ourselves in whole-heartedly and then failing  (strong possibility)

If anyone else has been here or has any words of wisdom........then please share.


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## Lirac (Sep 18, 2008)

There's no easy answer - my situation is not dissimilar except that I had had several IVFs with previous partner and so would say that i ahve been sure all along that I wanted children.
I'm not sure what difference the menopause will make, or is it just that you haven't given up on the thought of your own eggs? I was told that the problem wouldn't be so much getting p/g at an advanced age, but more the slim chance of a healthy p/g - lots end in m/c and I had to go through that myself before I could come to terms with it.
Lifestyle changes - of course, there are loads but I have found htat one of the advantages of being older is that I don't feel I'm missing out having already done the exotic holidays, first class flights etc etc I don't have family living locally either but have found excellent childcare and you will make friends with other mums nad make new connections if that is what you want to do.
Failure - well, especially if you go abroad, the success rates are very high so I think that, if you do go ahead, you have to be prepared for the shock of a BFP.
But the bottom line is that you are unsure, not clear that you really want children in your lives and unwilling to go down the DE route unless there really is no other option, by which time you could be well into your fifties. I think that, rather than listing positives and negatives, you really just need to get your head around the question 'do I want a child?' If the answer is 'yes' then all the other things will fall into place. 
Hope this helps!


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## 4lg00 (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks for your reply Lirac - I think you are right about the fundamental.....  Just to clarify as I am now at menopause ( very sudden and unambiguous!  )  I feel I am OK about DE as the way for us to become a family now. I think after years of trying to tell ourselves we couldn't do it we're both jumping between going for what we really really wish we had and fear of setting ourselves up for disappointment.


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## aprilclare (Aug 29, 2012)

I am 48 and going for baseline scan tomorrow in our first attempt at a donor egg cycle. I met DP when we were both in our 40s and it has taken me a while to get my head round DE and all sorts of other things about our age and circumstances. My situation is not quite the same as yours but there is an overlap. I found Susan Golombok's book 'Parenting: What Really Counts?' helpful when I was trying to think it all through. I also read the novel 'The Two Week Wait' by Sara Rayner recently.

I have an adult DD and also had 2 cycles of IVF with exH so I have some idea of the rollercoaster of fertility treatment. We're not telling anyone about the treatment only a handful of our very closest family and friends even know it is a possibility so compared to last time I have very little real life support but this way will definitely be less stressful than any other I'm quite sure.

Best of luck with your decision making xx


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi,

As someone who was successful with donor embryos at age 46 I would offer the following thoughts.

Only you can decide whether the way forward is DE.  Bear in mind that it may take more than one cycle for success, and although you can't really plan for this, it is worth thinking about that and thoughts about a possible deadline for treatment.

I would also really, really urge you and DH to have as many tests before cycling just to eliminate some of the common causes of DE failure.  Apologies if you have already done this, but I learned the hard way that DE is not always a magic bullet if you have other issues.  You clinic and GP can do much of the basic testing which would include:-

Thyroid - Test TSH, T3, T4 and antithyroid antibodies.  Make sure your TSH is between 1 and 2.  Thyroid issues are more common over 40 and can cause miscarriage and failure.

Basic clotting tests
Check uterus all ok via hysteroscopy

Check DH's sperm ok, including a karyotype test for genetic issues
Autoimmune
Immune issues

Sorry haven't got much time for more details.

I am a single mum to 6 year old twins and am nearly 53.  I do not regret having my children for a moment and am so grateful for them.  As the posters above have mentioned, network of support can be built with other mums/dads etc.  so that is a positive.  

I would really recommend you have a look at the Donor Conception Network site for more information.  They have a group especially for older mum and those over 46 contemplating donor conception so that could be a good source of information and support.

There is lots of info. and support on fertility friends.  I wish you the very best of luck.

Daisy 
xx


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## Lirac (Sep 18, 2008)

Lots of wise words there from daisyg...
I would echo that I have never for one moment regretted my decision. Depending on where you have DE, you may well find that they run the whole gamut of tests anyway. I have had tx in Spain and have recently just completed the full screening - thyroid etc etc  - at least you know that you are completely healthy!
Through FF, I have met and maintained contact with a number of other older ladies who have all been successful with DE - great source of support and encouragement.
I wish you well with whatever path you decide to take


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## Courgette (Oct 13, 2009)

4lg00 ...... I just celebrated being 50 last weekend and my DE twin boys are just over 7 months! I have absolutely no regrets and life with my little guys is just wonderful    Yes, I'm 'older' but wiser, more experienced, relaxed and from a health and fitness perspective, I have never felt so good! If you really want this, the I'd say go for it .... wishing you all the best x


PS. Yes, Lirac, I know you'll be wondering, have changed my username on here!!


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## Lirac (Sep 18, 2008)

Don't worry Courgette - we'll keep stalking each other through the boards


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