# Friends/ family reactions to infertility



## MIMI4 (Feb 16, 2007)

Hi

Something has been bugging me for a while and I just wondered whether it's me being over sensitive or does anyone else have the same problem?

Over the years many friends/family have fallen preg and the odd few have acted very awkwardly around us. I know some people don't know how to handle the situ but read on. They didn't want to tell us, didn't want it to ruin our friendship (saying that really hurt)  but everyone else knew, they don't know what to say around us, didn't want to show the scan pics even though we asked if we could see them, you know, trying to show we're interested but really it's very hard. We all know how to act when it's gets hard and I've even asked my sis if she thinks I've been unapproachable which she says I haven't, just acted 'normally'. And I think the funniest thing of all about these people is that they have suffered from IF themselves! 

I do feel that over the years I have been supportive to f's re: IF but it seems that when they have fallen preg they completely avoid us or even just to say 'how are things going with your treatments?' would be nice, it shows they are still thinking of you. Sadly these episodes have made me feel I'm not going to support anyone else with IF (outside of this site of course) because it always seems to backfire on me/us. I'm tired of being a 'good listener' only to find when it's my turn to be listened to they are obviously feeling awkward.

I have a good friend who has known about our IF and it took her nearly a yr to fall preg with first, but all the way through (she's 8 mnths now) she's been great. We talk excitedly about her preg/baby and she never forgets to ask how I am, how the treatments going and knows when it's a bad day how to cheer me up.

Also thanks to all at ff, sometimes you really are the only ones who understand

MIMI4


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi mim14, i just read your note and to be really honest with you, i don't think that it can be easy for people being around IF women when they are either pg or with a baby. I am an IF women and everyone that knows me knows i have secondary IF, i make no secret of it. people never know what to say and most of the crap that does come out of their mouths, mostly through no fault of their own, hurts me. i don't blame people who ie are pg and avoid me, i WANT them to! i would avoid them. i myself actually find myself saying crap ie at the gym i recently met a women, actually OLDER than me, she was later 40's. anyway, she has had endo' and as a result no children. i actually said to her, trying to be all upbeat, how some women with bad endo' do still go on to have a child and then she said but not her. i felt so bloody awful after, what rubbish i was speaking, all in a desperate attempt to  try and be positive for her and in turn i was a **** just like all those women i get angry with. unless someone is terribly cruel most people have no idea what to say to us, nearly every time i talk to someone that i thought was a friend, they say something that hurts me, i could easily create a long long list. when all i want really is for someone to put their arm around me and say it must be so hard, which it is, instead of patronising me telling me/'reminding' me (like a women with secondary infer' needs reminding) how lucky i am to have dd as if i had forgotten about her or didn't love her enough and that that was why i was desperate for another child. i was recently told my dh that his bf's mrs was avoiding me as she was pg, my initial reaction was hurt but then when i thought about it i was pleased she was avoiding me and didn't blame her, who would want to be around me feeling so uncomfortable, we both would. i admire you enjoying looking at your friends scan pictures, i would find that terribly hard perhaps unless it was her first. i have just found out by email that yet another friend of mine, also 43 has fallen pg without trying even though she doesn't really want it, her partner does, she already has 3. she knows that she won't really see me for dust now, she never liked being pg, i can't bear to hear her moan about it and the funny thing is that she has PCOS and yet SHE can get pg and after all these eyars it seems all my body can muster is an early pregnancy loss a few months ago. i feel like sh*t. rant over, and i was supposed to try and be upbeat for YOU!! sorry about that. joxx


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## MIMI4 (Feb 16, 2007)

Thanks Jo for your reply,

Yes I know some people just don't know what to say and I wish I could be stronger and stay away at times but I feel I should 'enjoy' looking at their scan pics even though it's tearing me up inside. When a friend tells me their preg I go through stages. The first is 'b******!, (obv I'm happy for them, it's just a reminder of my IF) then I'm OK until their fisrt scan and it all comes back again, then I'm ok for a while......until they start showing a bump, then it's the second scan and after that it just gets harder as I'm sure you know. Once they've had their baby I try to leave visiting for a while. And do you know the funniest thing about all of these feelings? I actually work with preg mums, new mums etc!!! I've thought many times about changing my job but I actually enjoy it though it does leave me sad some days. Somehow I've managed to block it out at work, not completely, but I try not to think about it too much as this fertility thing consumes us and takes over. I'm waiting for diathermy , but have already spoken to an adoption agency who actaully don't want to know until we've exhausted all other possibilities. It's so frustrating. Yes there are days where I feel completely and utterly crap too. Babies and preg mums are everywhere...........


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## GirlGamer (Jul 22, 2009)

ive got loads of thoughts on this too. my mum bless her tries but hasnt a clue having had 3 of us straight away cannot understand. im sick to death of hearing close friends even family say wots my prob i have a DD we all hear that.as i said on another thread about my bro expectin last year his first.Adam is 4 months old, they trying again already and my mum wants him to have the proudness of telling me himself when it happens coz its his right. i have folk coming in my workplace gossipping about my sil thinking she was again (turned out not).and im on the phone to my mum demanding that she tell me, stuff this ettiquette rubbish. he was a right, but so do i, wot about my feelings, she doesnt seem to think mine matter as much as proud dad telling me.i just wanna know.
My other bro too, when i was nearly 2 years into ttc my DD  been married 3. he had an " accident" with his girlfriend of 6 months that had 2, his first. my mum putt off tellin me for a while, was so upset they beat me, i did get preg when she was 3 months in the end, so the pain lifted. but thats why my mum thinks its "right this time" that he shud tell me  
my dads the worst. when i rung mum up on the my DP left in january this year after the breakdown of the relationship due to wot happened, to ask her to come round, my dad said to her, cant see wot lizs prob is she has a child.

day me nephew was born this year, one of my worst days of my life, i had to give dad a lift to the hospital, tried to get some support about how i was nearly losing my home (due to that break up month earlier) how sad i was desparate how life had been so unkind, how come all i wanted was a family yet i cuda lost everything, my and dd home, wuda lost my business too, how hurt i felt about my new nephew. and all he said was " ah well lifes s**t isnt it, cant help how things turn out, its just tough s**t.
Dad again, this nephew called the name i was gunna call my son, cuda been one of my embyros i lost in icsi. the chosen name that belonged to me and DP. that for me is so hard, my dad just said, its just a name liz wots yr prob, they cuda picked any. it shudnt matter.
dad again, saying he doesnt want any more grandchildren
i could go on forever! hehe
sorry its so long x


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