# How long to recover emotionally / mentally after IVF failure?



## Niceanimal (Nov 26, 2013)

Hello Fertility Friends

I'm looking for some advice. My second IVF failed two weeks ago and I'm struggling. We'll probably have another go and in the meantime are going to get married, which is a lovely thing, but I'm feeling a bit traumatised and am wondering if this is normal?

I suffer from anxiety anyway but this feels different. I feel like I have lost my confidence, that everything is difficult and that life is getting on top of me. I'm wondering how long this will last and if I should be worried about not getting over this. Has anyone else felt the same? If so, for how long? And did you do anything that helped?

Thanks ladies. Xxx


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## tricia1012 (Mar 20, 2014)

Hello niceanimal, I didn't want to read and run, I'm sorry for your Bfn , I too just had my second bfn from ivf  I'm ok this time strangely but first time I was feeling similar to how you are feeling now . There is no real answer to this it takes time to heal again you need to allow yourself to grieve . It took me a couple of months to pick myself up again . 

But we can't let it take over our lives the best thing you can do is talk let all your feelings out, don't keep it bottled up .  For me trying everything I can to give us a better chance between cycles helps me to keep focused .

Congrats on your wedding have fun planning it that will def keep you busy . 

I'm sorry there's not a miracle cure for this loss but things will get better it just takes time . 

Take care 
Tricia xx


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

I'm so sorry to hear your cycle failed. I had a failed cycle in September and I felt like my whole world collapsed.it was horrendous. But, I found after a couple of weeks I started to feel better. You will heal however impossible it seems. Be kind to yourself and remember it will get easier. I was in a state of shock for a few days and couldn't stop crying, literally all day and night. If you can maybe book a nice holiday.. We went away and it did us the world of good. Take care of yourself xx big hugs xx


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## Niceanimal (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you so much Tricia and sickofwaiting (great name,). It's so good to know you've felt the same and that you've recovered, and found the strength to carry on. I'll definitely take your advice and have a holiday and focus on improving our chances for next time. 

Best of luck for your journeys too. Xxx


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## chozzy (Nov 11, 2013)

Hi nice animal, 
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. My first cycle failed failed before Christmas and my heart was completely broken so understand how you feel. I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to do anything as felt what was the point. All I can say to reassure is that the pain eases with time. The rawness fades and you can start looking ahead again. I found that as soon as I knew what the next step with my treatment was that made me feel better as had something to focus on. I too am getting married so planning my wedding!
How is yours going?! That's something so nice got you to look forward to xx


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## simone546 (Dec 25, 2011)

Hi,

Ive had 3 transfers over almost 2 years. For me that's felt right (I have anxiety as well). Ive told myself I won't start a cycle unless I'm emotionally strong enough to handle the outcome (either way). Its hard not to feel under pressure and to feel rushed... But its so iimportant to make sure you are OK first, for the benefit of you, your future baby and oh.

All the best

Xxx


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## Niceanimal (Nov 26, 2013)

Hi chozzy! Thank you for your kind words. It's v reassuring to know you recovered enough to try again. We only decided to get married when our IVF failed (we were enagaged already) so I'm only two weeks into planning! But the date is set and venue booked for August so it's all systems go. I'm enjoying the distraction but it's not without its stresses. I'm actually on the train on my way to a wedding fair now. How are things going for you?

Hi Jessica. Thank you too; that is really good advice. We rushed into our second cycle and I don't think I was ready. One reason we are getting married now is to force us to take a break, so it is good to know that has helped you.

Best of luck to you both. Xxx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Niceanimal

I felt exactly the same way you did after both of my chemicals, it's devastating and debilitating isn't it!

After my first one my DH had to go abroad for work almost straight after, it was a pre planned trip and he couldn't get out of it!

I literally collapsed and just couldn't function so I went to stay with my parents while he was away, I couldn't do anything, my Dad didn't really know what to do with me, he is an amazing man and Father but he couldn't see how to comfort me, he tried all the things that usually worked when I had bad times in the past like break ups and work stress by trying to motivate me and get me moving but some days I couldn't get out of bed and he couldn't understand why it was different this time!

My Mum was and is my rock, she held me when I cried and let me do what I needed to do for a few days, when I got a bit stronger my dad took over and took me out walking with our dogs and getting me cooking with him and functioning again, my parents are a great team and between them they put me back together, I was almost human again when DH came back!

I think really that it was harder for DH then after the second chemical because he had to watch me suffer through it, he didn't see the extent of the pain the first time round and it was a bit of a shock to him that his strong and confident wife was this destroyed and blubbering mess. 

DH suggested a holiday which was the best thing to do, we went away just after Christmas, which had been so hard with all the family at our house, and we both got some perspective. We also got a new Puppy when we got back, something we had been talking about for ages but finally decided to do, he is my baby substitute and I love him and our other fluffy baby, she looks after me and snuggles and licks me when I cry!

I feel like you that I have lost a lot of my confidence in everything now, it's a hard knock to bounce back from.

I'm trying to build up my consultancy client list for a new type of job to give me more time to focus on IVF but it's hard because I am not the confident woman I used to be, I'm lucky that my firm offered me the chance to do it and I'm hoping it will get easier and I will be able to get it off the ground because I would have to postpone treatment for at least a year if I got a full time job, I wouldn't feel comfortable taking a position and then disappearing off all the time for appointments and treatment!

Luckily nobody seems to notice that I'm not the same as before but I do!

Having a plan after the second chemical of having more private tests and finding out why it happened and hopefully how to make my next cycle work helped me too!

Have you had immune tests?

Congratulations on your wedding, having that to plan will be a great distraction and it's so much fun I wish I could do it again! With my DH of course!

It will get easier but don't feel bad if you have bad days, it's been four months since my last chemical and I still have days when I cry and can't do anything but mope! They do get fewer and further in between though!

I truly hope you feel better soon, my Gran used to say, everything will be okay in the end and if it isn't okay it isn't the end! Very wise woman!

Pudding
X


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## AppleTwig (Mar 20, 2013)

Hi all, reading about the confidence thing... i totally identify. it's a real struggle some days as i just don't feel as optimistic about life as i used to a couple of years ago. some days i just want to cry, others i feel a bit panicky that time is passing and i'm not sure it'll ever happen for us, other days luckily i can just get on with life. it's funny after our second bfn in early march i just stopped thinking about it for awhile, i had other stuff to focus on (my sister has breast cancer but also just had her first baby 3 weeks ago) but it's now starting to come back and i'd rather it didn't! i have a hysteroscopy booked for end of april, and possibly a laparoscopy, and then we'll decide when to try again. it could be as early as end of May, hence why I'm starting to feel anxious about it all again. 

this was more a me post than a supportive one, sorry, it's just to say we're all in this together really and certainly for most of us things will work out in the end


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Congratulations, that is so wonderful that you are getting married 

After two failed cycles in 3 months, I've been feeling just like this. I don't know how much of it is the repeated feelings of failure or how much I miss having something to work towards. It's only been a week since our last failure and, though part of me feels like it's a little easier this time, I actually think that its worse. I left my husband on Friday, I didn't go very far (11 miles down the road to wander around Tescos to be precise) but I realise how hard it has hit me now 

I think that when you work so hard towards something and then it's suddenly over, it is naturally incredibly difficult _not _to feel traumatised.

Having a wedding to plan and something so wonderful ahead of you won't take away the hurt that you have been through lovely. It will give you something amazing to work towards and look forward to though xxx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Molly

I remember going to tescos after our last chemical and accidentally wandering too close to the baby clothes aisle, I had made a conscious effort avoid this part of the shop in the months before but in my somewhat dazed state I forgot, it was like a gut punch, a slap in the face and a roundhouse kick to the head all at once!

I nearly collapsed there and then in the middle of tescos, I turned round to try and run away and went smack into some poor woman, DH caught up with me and I couldn't even form a sentence to tell him why I was crying in the supermarket, I just pointed! He got it and led me away.

I still avoid that part of the shop now!

Pudding 
X


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Pudding, you are fabulous.  Thank you for making it not seem so crazy to run away from home and end up in a supermarket 

What is it about Tescos and trauma, it was pretty late and I think that the whole place was just full of people like me!  Tescos ladies, it doesn't help, we don't buy anything and we end up just in the baby isles.  I spent so long in the nappy section that the poor shelf stacker asked me if I was ok twice, both times because I think that I was in the way  

I think that I need to just avoid the whole place for a little while!


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hey Niceanimal

First of al sending a  

Its really hard and sometimes don't quite know how me and hubby do it each time we aren't successful or have suffered a miscarriage - but we do - but each cycle it just takes a bit of time and you have to give yourselves that time to heal both physically and mentally.

Congratulations on getting married hun - given a bit of time this will be a great distraction from the whole IVF cycle as no matter how much we think it doesn't, it takes over our lives for those few months we are going through it.

Me and my hubby are taking a few months out - last cycle was in October - and although at first I was a bit upset at the thought of taking a break from it all - it has actually been the best thing we have done in a long time - we are doing bits in our house to do it up, we are planning a little break away together, going out for dinners and having a drink and just generally relaxing more. Don't get me wrong we are still taking out vitamins and in general looking after ourselves but not being strict and just having what we want when we want etc. These last few months have lifted a weight. Still have a down day and have mild panics where I am scared that are we ever going to be a mummy and a daddy but have a strong faith that this will happen and just have to be patient and this is our journey.

Give yourselves time hun and do whatever you need to do - I would say that after a few weeks from treatment finishing its good to go back and have a chat with the drs to see what went wrong (if anything) and how you will move forward in your journey with IVF etc. and then start your plan of action from then i.e. are we going again now, or are we going to enjoy our wedding plans, get married and then start again when we are strong again both physically and mentally. Only you both will know whats right.

Take care hun

xx


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## Selby88 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi, so sorry you're struggling.
I am still having ups and downs but I found that the thought that keeps me going is that I'm planning another cycle, and it sounds like you are too. So I'm planning that and trying to hold onto a fresh chance.
Just keep on doing what you need to feel better, a holiday, a pamper? I find things have got better, it's about 4 weeks now, but also I think your physical recovery takes it's toll too. I just started exercising properly again And it gives me a real buzz. I find acceptance that I will need some time really helps.

Hope you start to feel better very soon. look after yourself
Xxxxxxxx


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## Niceanimal (Nov 26, 2013)

Hello ladies. I'm sorry I haven't replied before now. I have been staying away from all things baby and fertility while I try to get my head straight. 

That you so much Pudding, Molly, Nat1dragonfly & Appletwig for sharing your stories so honestly and giving good advice. I am still not sure whether we will try IVF again - not least as my body is yet to recover from the cycle that ended in March (I'm visiting the board today to get some advice on that) - but it is good to know you have all found the strength to keep trying. 

Thanks again and sticky baby dust to you all!


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