# When Did you Love your Child?



## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

Having had this conversation with Keemjay, we'd both be really interested to know your views on when you felt that gut wrenching love for your adopted child? 

I must say I cannot imagine loving Munchkin any more than I do already and he's only been here 1 month, but i'm sure that 6 months down the line I will be even more in love (if that makes sense) so wonder how long it actually takes people to fall in love with their children? 

Looking forward to reading your replies


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

lol wynnster i just logged on to post the question and you beat me to it by minutes 

for me its been around the 6 month mark post placement when i've had the real heart -tugging moments, when i just sort of swell up with tears and think 'oh my goodness this is MY child and i love him/her sooooo much i want to burst with happiness and cry buckets all at the same time!'
its been the same both times, am going through it right now with babybro and its just FAB!!

will be interested in other responses 
kj x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Should have been quicker KJ


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Interesting post!  During the weeks leading up to intros I began to 'love' my DS as I got to know hime better by talking to the FC and when we met him there was an instant feeling of love and wanting to do the very best for him.  However, for me though I think it was really 'OMG I love my Son' at about 15 weeks when I had to leave him for the first time at nursery.  I was so lost without him and cried my eyes out worrying about him, he was fine, we'd built it up to be such a fun thing to do that he settled really well.

We went to court 4 days after he had been living with us for 6months and that really hit it home to me how it had been hanging over me that BM could change her mind and I could lose my son, he was relinquished.  The sheer relief and love I felt for him when they said they were granting the adoption order was something I hadn't been prepared for and I exploded into tears literally.  

And then on Christmas Eve when I tucked him into bed and he cuddled me tighter than normal and said for the first time 'I love you Mummy' my heart just melted and I could have stayed cuddled to him all night.

I know I couldn't love him more if I'd carried him for 9 months, I would do anything for him.

OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Definitely interesting, to be honest it wasn't love straight away with either of my two.  It was more like infatuation that became love later.  I think it was because, with both of them, following their arrivals I couldn't quite believe that these beautiful children were really mine.  Although I would have done anything for them straight away I think I was really in love was after the honeymoon period had ended and we'd finalised at Court.  They might have played up all day and then I'd look at them asleep in bed and just grin inanely thinking "this child is mine, nobody can take them away".  I think it's like when you meet your partner, it starts of more as lust and then you realise you really love him when you can stand all his little bad habits.

Life is hard work at the moment, we rarely get more than 6 hours sleep, DD is fiercely independent and likes to get her own way and DS has his issues which have got worse since he started school but I can't imagine our lives without them.  Every night before I go to bed I have to look in on them.  I just want to hug them so tightly and protect them and cover them in kisses.

As OT says couldn't love them more if I'd given birth to them.   

Cindy


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

For me I had an instant 'wow - this child is ours - OMG that is sooo weird' ' How can a small person be this wonderful' thing and that was coupled with a very sensible and rational ability to care for, support and nurture her. I 'loved' her but in the same way I love my friend's children - i would never let anything hurt them but it is a bit 'detatched'.  It was a full 4 months before I could honestly say that I was 'in love with her'.

From speaking to other adopters it seems to be quite common not to have an 'instant bond/inlove' thing but somehow noone told me what to expect and I spent quite a long time wondering if I was ok. The same with post adoption depression too - I tihnk around one in ten adopters goes through a mild, moderate or severe bout of depression after placement (usually about a month or so in when reality starts to 'kick-in' and honeymoon behaviour wears off).  I only had a few days of a 'dip' but again - it was something I hadn't even heard of before placement.

Magenta x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Interesting question 

For me it has been a bit different as K came to us as a foster child with the intention of going back to birth family. It wasn't until 8 months into the placement that it was decided that he would be placed for adoption and we had to consider applying. When a foster child is placed with us you have it set in your head that the child is here for a short period of time and then they will leave and you do the best for that child while they are in your care but they are only on loan so to speak. So when we then had to make the decision to adopt K or not we had lots to consider. I think one of the moments up to now ( waiting for court date  its soon ) which stucks in my mind is panel day as we had 2 panels on one day (approval and matching with K ) and waiting for the decision it dawned on me that if they said no that K would be leaving us and I would have to bridge him to another adoptive family. So when the panel chairwoman came and said yes I burst into tears and then she did and said it was one of the best matches she could remember  
Also when K had his first birthday party in Dec to go to from a friend at prep school and I looked around and thought I am here and K's mummy and not an aunty etc 

Bring on the court date!

xxx


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

I have no responce to this, as I am just starting, but I just wanted to say thank you to Wynster and Keemjay for starting this and I hope to hear more story's of love.

I am learning so much about attachment issues, FASD ext ext and preparing myself, my DH and our family for the expected challenges we may have to work through that I have lost sight of the the overwhelming joy of parental love.

You have all lifted my heart and made my day that little bit sweeter 

Thank you


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2009)

Interesting - for us the journey was different as we were their respite foster carers and the first weekend was supposed to be a one off and if we'd never seen them again, I don't think I would have been bothered.  

They came for another weekend and then an emergency week at New Year and that is probably when I first started to "feel" something for them in that I missed then when they'd gone.  However at that stage they were still expecting to go back to their BM.  

First real pang was a few months later (after a few more weekends), when they were looking for a permanent home and their fc left a phone message to say they had some good news.  My immediate thought was that they had a new family and I felt awful.  They didn't, but from then on we seriously started to consider it, but were still doing feftility stuff ourselves.  

Certainly we were "in love" by the time they came her permanently but it has grown and matured over the past 10 months.  

Hope that helps
Bop


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

I think I started falling in love with our girls the minute we heard about them - I had a dream a long, long time ago that we would have twins and it felt so real it kind of stayed with me (sounds daft I know) but from the moment we heard about our daughters it all felt right. 
When we met them I could believe they were going to be ours and I did have a moment of panic one day during introductions when I thought - these aren't 'my daughters' how am I going to do this! But it passed very quickly and the love has just grown and grown (and continues to do so!) - defining moments for me were watching them sleep in their cots, them wanting only me when they'd fallen over (I know no parent wants their child to fall over but oh it's lovely when they want mummy's cuddles and no-one elses!), the fierce protection and defence I felt for them when another mum at playgroup said 'well they don't have mum sense of personal space do they!' in an accusing tone.... they're 2 and they're twins!!!!!!! they've never had 'personal space'! And every time I hear 'mama', or watching them cuddled up with their daddy, or when they learnt to give kisses properly (they pucker up and kiss everything - it's so cute!! We even had to kiss our new shoes today!), or when they say new words, I'm just so proud of them so many, many times a day and my heart just swells!

My list could go on and on, don't get me wrong there are moment when it's b**dy hard work (sorry - the only way to describe it!!!   ) and twins are definately double trouble (but twice the joy!) but it's also wonderful and a dream come true! We can put our court application in this week and I can't wait to get everything going so that we can make sure no-one can ever, ever take our daughters away! We love them so truly, madly and deeply it would kill me to lose them!

Oh what a soppy post...  

lovely thread Wynnster - thank you for starting it!
lol
S
xxxx


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi i fell in love with her picture of messpot. but when i seen her i was washed over with some mad feeling of love i was crying as soon as i seen her it felt so strange but a warm feeling. strange and still do feel like that


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

i think i fell in love with ds properly when we brought him home as when we were doing the intros it he still felt like someone elses baby   but once we got got home it started to sink in that he was ours  

pam xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

For me it was an instant love which then grew into a very deep love very quickly! as soon as the phone call came I started to bond withing half an hour I had a photo and more details. She was so identical to me at the same age it had to be an omen! I honestly can't imagine how one could love a child any more than I do with Sunshine and it is still growing and deepening two years on!
I remember at the end of the first meeting the FC hugged her until she went to sleep and it killed me watching someone else soothing my baby to sleep it had a physical as well as emotional effect on me! 
Love JD x


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi all this is a really good idea for a thread.

Again our case was different as our girls were not freed for adoption when they came to us in fact they weren't freed until the girls were with us for 15 months . But I think the love we have for our girls has grown slowly but surely over time, we certainly had a honeymoon period for about 1 week and then reality bit us on the bum. We have got three girls who have been damaged by what they have gone through the two older ones mostly but they all have their little problems, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. The girls tell us they love us everyday and we are soo close my heart swells when I see them doing things for themselves becoming more independent. Christmas was amazing the girls were fantastic and so happy it seems like they have never been anywhere else.

Love Keli


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## shivster (Jan 17, 2007)

Very interesting post.

The 'love' started when we first heard about our DS although we waited 5 months until we were matched so it waxed and waned a bit during that time. 

Intros were so stressful that I couldn't comprehend anything. i just wanted to survive and take him home! After about three weeks I was besotted but he was besotted with my DH! One night as I put him to bed after about 2 months at home I said "Night Night Love You" and DS replied "OOve oo Mummy" my heart melted! Adoption day was the icing on the cake, this willful, gorgeous, naughty, loving, cuddly little monster was finally legally mine!!!


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## freshstart (Apr 3, 2007)

I have hijacked your thread sorry    I just want to say how moving your stories are it has brought tears to my eyes that you have given these children such wonderful lives with so much love


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, it took me about 6 months to properly feel love for ds2.  He is a very strong willed child so we have battles all day long which is very tiring.  He is also a very loving child which is wonderful.  He is also very very clingy so sometimes I get totally fed up with him and long for a break.  When he is asleep in his cot or cuddled up to me and stroking my face I realise how truly wonderful he is and that I love him very much.  Mind you some days I would gladly hand him back when he is playing up


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