# Trying to take control



## askingangels (Nov 15, 2005)

Hello. Sorry I havent been on here for a long time but everything has been going ok. Recently when oldest dd doesnt get her own way she is saying really hurtfull things to me. At the moment both dd's are having tantrums and saying how much they hate me and will never love me. They are 8 and 6 and have been with us since they were 5 and 3. My dh says to ignore them but its so hard as its never aimed at him. Even if he punishes them its aimed at me. I think its because they never had male influence in their life so I'm an easy target. I pretend it doesnt bother me but it does. Any advice please xxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Askingangels

I remember when you got your girls, it is nice to hear from you again but I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.  It is not unusual for children to pick on one parent rather than the other, especially if they feel they can push your buttons easier.

I both agree and disagree with your DH.  I also feel you should ignore what they are saying but don't ignore the girls.  You need to try and get behind what has triggered off this behaviour.  Has something happened to make them feel a bit insecure?  Is there something going on at school?  When children start behaving like this it is normally because something is bothering them and unfortunately they take it out on the person closest to them.  We saw the american therapist Bryan Post at the Adoption UK conference and he described adopted children as being sensitive to stress.  When something happens to stress them out they show it in their behaviour.  Throwing a tantrum whenever you say no is your DD's way of saying "I'm scared, my life is feeling out of control at the moment, show me you love me, show me I'm going to be OK by agreeing to my every demand".  It's pure toddler behaviour.  

My DS is being absolutely horrible today, told me he hates me, called me all sorts of names, been demanding something every 30 minutes and shouting when I say no.  However I know it's because he's worried about the two school trips next week and I'm trying my hardest to stay calm and empathise with the fear he is feeling.  Mind you it's not easy today as I had a rare night out last night and am feeling a bit "fragile" today   .

Hope you can get to the bottom of this and get back to happier times.

Take care
Cindy


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