# Can talk, but won't speak when spoken too?



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi all

I have a 3 year old AS who came to us 20 weeks ago. Initially he was in a sibling placement, but his older brother returned to FC a month ago (long saga on another thread!).

Since his brother left Timmy has been really doing well and is growing in confidence daily. He was previously diagnosed with developmental delay, specifically in speech and language. He didn't start speaking at all until he came to us and every day he's talking more and more, asking WHY (1000 times a day  ) and speaks sometimes in 4-5 word simple sentences. He can say his name clearly as well as his age. He certainly knows the words yes, no, please and thank you, yet although he may say all these words in the course of a day, if anyone (I do mean anyone, us included) ask him a direct question e.g 'do you want milk' or 'would you like a snack' he refuses to answer! 

Timmy's receptive language skills are actually really good and SALT agree he has no issues hearing or understanding questions, he simply chooses not to answer them. Everyone keeps telling us not to be bothered about it and that he'll 'snap' out of it. Trouble is at nursery and play group he really isn't talking at all, bar an occasional word. He interacts quite well with other children and has a really calm and placid disposition. He flashes everyone the cutest smile and will nod his head or gesticulate, but will never respond by speaking. 

I'm trying hard to get Timmy to vocalise when he wants something instead of pointing or nodding by saying things like 'do you want the apple or the orange' etc, but he continues to point or just nod his head and not say even yes or no. This is becoming pretty frustrating and a bit worrying since some kids are staring to zero in on him for not talking. 

Has anyone else ever experienced similar? Has anyone got any pearly words of wisdom as to how we can help Timmy with this?


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## Theretofour (Feb 19, 2013)

This is very common in children of this age (I work in a pre school) in most cases it comes down to confidence and him taking control of the situation.  You can try pictures for choosing when he has picked you say oh the milk nice.

But if he has just find his voice he will need time. The positive is he is starting to use his words well done to you 

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It maybe that he is behaving like a younger child because emotionally that's where he is at.  With hindsight some of my eldest s most frustrating behaviour on early placement was normal for a child about 18 months to two years younger than her. It was where she was on the development scale but becauseacademically she was reasonable age appropriate it's confusing and frustrating.  My eldest also did what you're describing.  However with her that wasn't social development delay it was about control.  She wanted to control the social interaction and not speaking gave her this.  Ten months in she answers dh and I 90% unprompted and 10% with prompt.  She very rarely responds to strangers / people she's only met briefly which I am not bothered about.  Everyone else falls somewhere in between depending on her relationship with them. I'm fine with that I openly say when daddy and I speak you respond okay.  She knows it's her choice with others people may think I'm allowing her to be rude but I don't care it is one of many things that sets the understanding in her mind that dh and I are different abd special and the rest of the world isn't.  Plus I don't  actually want to encourage her to talk to random adults.  She looks to me to speak for her often and I see this as emotionally healthy at the moment I am thw buffer between her and the world.  

I'll be honest I forced response to me and dh by gradually refusing to understand what she meant saying I'm really sorry you'll have to use your words I don't know what you mean.  Started with things of low importance but high motivation like tv  and slowly filtered it out to everything.  Don't start with food or anything that constitutes care. We had some spectacular tantrums and it took a few months but so does everything.  

However all that aside my youngest is recently two talks none stop at home to us and a selection of people but near silent at anything like a toddler group which I think is quite normal for her age so I wouldn't worry about it there. Good luck take what's useful ignore what isn't but know you're not alone xxx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

We think like your AD Mummy DIY that there is an element of control, this is evident when we ask Timmy to use his words and he will often smile/giggle and shake his head for no! 

I think because he is talking so much all day around the house, we were I suppose expecting he would at least answer us when we asked simple questions! I'm glad it's pretty common and I guess it's likely he's just younger in this area of his speech and language. 

Our SALT already suggested that I start ignoring him when there's a yes or no required that doesn't come, although as you also said not related to care or food etc. what have found in doing this is that Timmy is as stubborn as they come!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I think Diva sums it up exceptionally well  
I also think you've done fantastic with him so far and with my little boy, he mostly doesn't want to grow up and so will choose to do this when he's being encouraged in another area. We don't sweat it & then he suddenly leaps forwards again. He also doesn't like being put under pressure eg nursery will say X tell mummy what you did today and all he says is "x what did you do today" but once were out the door I get a whole speil about who he was playing with and what he was doing. 

Funny little munchkins x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Other things  I've remembered thinking back. I'd model a make sure you speak how you want him to speak dh and I have extended our sentences when talking to each other a lot to show dd how to communicate.  E.g. daddy can you pass the butter please. Also start with getting yes or no so do you want the tv on. He'll nod I need you to use your words please.  He'll refuse and probably start using a technique that has proved affective in his previous life. For my dd screaming sobbing throw self on floor.  Me mummy can see you're very upset if you want the tv on you need to use your words so mummy is sure what you want.  At this stage you need to say yes to things if he communicates even if you want to say no obviously within reason.  Once he'll say yes this won't be quick then the next stage is. Brilliant you want the tv on the sentence you need to use is mummy please put the tv on. Shall we practice this together repeat lots of times . For my dd cue more floor bashing and screaming. Again back to mummy can see your tacky upset all you need to do is say the sentence with mummy. Length of sentence should depend on what he is capable of. Once he is repeating then step back again oh you want the tv on erm what sentence do you need to use. 

Sounds easy when typed it's not it was a massive battle and took months to get resolved.  Now if someone else asks my dd a question unless she's feeling confident and knows them really well she'll look at me.  Ill repeat the question and she'll respond.  This might be seen as rude but I don't care my dd has been around a lot of unsafe adults including her birth parents.  Using me her safe person as a filter is not only sensible but good for our relationship.  Sod the world they don't understand your son. Good luck whatever you decide xxx

Sorry posted this on the wrong thread earlier. Thank you Gertie also to say in my view my dd speech and language issues discussed here are emotional and behavioural issues. I also do a lot of vocabulary development and extension work and work on pronunciation in a more conventional approach xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I really sympathise with the frustration.  I get this with Wyxling on and off.  Different kids respond to different things better, but with Wyxling (who has major control issues) I've tried forcing the issue in the past, and it just causes more problems than it solves.  I might in the immediate get her to very resultantly and sulkily respond for something she particularly wants, but it just reinforces this as a "thing" to do to annoy Mummy and it leads to more confrontation.  It's also just as likely to lead to such big problems if she really can't bring herself to "give in" that my forcing the issue makes it completely disproportionate to the magnitude of the problem.

I tend to find I have the best results in the long term if I fill in the answer I would have liked to hear but intone it as a question, but very matter of fact and light tone.  So if I asked "would you like an orange or an apple?" and Wyxling pointed, I would just say "an orange, please?" so I'm saying what I wanted her to say, but letting my tone question whether I've got it right.  I'll then answer myself with "of course" and hand it to her and supply the "thank you" if none is forthcoming.  I find the more I engage with the choices she makes like this the better it is.  So I might then say that the apple looks lovely, I think Mummy might have one too, that apple was a really good idea and isn't it juicy?  Even if I just get a smile and a nod it's some positive engagement that isn't just a point.  There are times in the past where I've had whole little chatty conversations with myself for days on end.  I've found over time this has got us really good results and when she does decide to kick this one off again, it rarely lasts for long, and actually she's generally got really nice manners even when absolutely all other behaviour is completely up sh&* creek as it can be at some days.  Now she's getting older, if what she wants is a treat I might just fill in the question for her when she points and grunts, then answer with a well, not right now, maybe later, and suggest we do something else instead.  She knows that if she wants it she'll need to ask nicely for it, but we're not making it a big "thing" and for Wyxling that would make it easier for her to come back and ask for it nicely in five minutes or so, and she'll probably then get a yes.

I would try not to get into too big a fight at the moment given everything that's been going on over the last few months.  As annoying as it is (and I really do get how infuriating this is, it takes everything I have not to get into a huge battle over it) I doubt that will help right now.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Brilliant ideas from Wyxie different approaches depending on his character.  I love Wyxies approach on all things unfortunately my dd responds to black and white rules and sees anything but standing your ground beyond ridiculous as weakness to exploit / challenge further. Hopefully one ofthe two might work for you xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I would love some black and white in my life right now, quite honestly, I get so tired of having to dance this ridiculous dance to get any sort of cooperation and/or manage her mood well enough to get any good time with my daughter.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hugs you do an amazing job xxx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Thanks DIY and Wyxie for your'e advice. SALT assessed Timmy today and feel he is bright as a button and more than capable of answering questions, he just chooses not to! It's likely control related and SALT have seen it many times before. Their advice based on the temperament and how contented and easy going Timmy is, is similar to Wyxie's. We have just to fill in the blanks and model the response we want to hear and one day hope he just decides to say it for himself! 

Nursery teacher reckons if Timmy thinks it is a big deal to us he'll persist. So as frustrating as it is we just need to try to ignore it and get on with it. Like you Mummy DIY I couldn't give a monkies if friends or family think Timmy is being rude by not ever responding!


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