# Feeling weird and confused!



## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Hi

Haven't been on for a while- had a link fall through right before panel which left us devastated.

Well we now have a link with a lo. Cara reads quite well, link meeting and docs went well (not much info with lo being so young) but when we saw a photos we didn't feel anything, well we both didn't feel 'this could be our child' or what we had imagined our lo would look like. 

There is some uncertainty with lo because of age and parents etc but nothing we haven't read before in other caras. But the pictures really through us.

I feel like I am being superficial but I don't mean it in that way.

Does this make sense. . . . To anyone


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi EveyBee,

not had this with photos but did feel something wasn't right with a former potential link, and didn't pursue it. Couldn't say fully why as they were perfect on paper! 

Losing your link must have been devastating  
Maybe you are very cautious now, may be worth seeing if other profiles feel any different / better.


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Hi goofygirl

I think we are overly cautious after what has happened in the past.

We have asked to see more pictures to see if we feel anything. 

We have seen six profiles and had four links that got to docs stage. So maybe we have got to the stage of being too distant and trying to protect ourselves. 

When we had the first link we got very emotional and excited and then when it fell through we realised how naive we were thinking it was a done deal and had a lot more hoops to jump through before we would get lo.  Maybe that has de-sensitised us.

Don't know how to get back to the start?


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

When we read the par, and saw a few pics of LO we just thought he looked baby like. Then after link, we met with FC who gave us some more pictures and I thought he was cute but felt no connection, however for us I knew it would grow and we'd fall in love with him easily over time. Actually these days everyone thinks he looks just like me, just with darker colouring, which is really weird and I can't imagine it being any other way now!

You've got to go with how you feel about these things but for us, it was the profile and CPR we just KNEW meant he was right for us, what he looked like was an aside. This was helped by living in a very multicultural area where many children aren't the same skin tone as a parent.

You know yourselves, your family, your area and your circumstances so only you can make the choice.


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

We didn't feel an instant love or bond to our bc because of the birth but we both really hoped that we would see the picture of lo and just 'know'. 

I think we are second guessing ourselves. We just realised we have been at this for 3 years now!!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

We actually agreed to go forward with this link before we saw photos. We didn't feel anything like a thunderbolt or anything really, just saw no reason not to proceed and then saw photos and think they are lovely. But again not really a "know" just a "why not?" 

Now we are really going forward and imagining these children in our home, and what struggles they will face we are starting to have feelings. 

I think we are cautious as its such a big step and also due to suffering pregnancy losses in the past. 
We do think it's the right link, but just don't feel as excited as we thought due to the sadness attached to the prospect of moving the children, and also the massive change to our lives which of course makes us apprehensive. 
Xxx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

I would say if there's nothing on paper that would cause a problem, ask to meet the FC sooner rather than later. They were the people who know the LO better than anyone. If after meeting the FC you're still not 'there'... Then you can still say the link isn't right.

Good luck

xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

I was exactly the same with little pink who is currently asleep upstairs  .  We waited 10 very long months for a link and when we got her cpr I just felt like there was nothing in there that would mean we should say no.  We went ahead on the basis of the cpr before we were shown a photo.  I picked up the photo the next day and I felt absolutely nothing.  SW kept saying "isn't she gorgeous" and I just agreed because like others have said, I knew for me the love would grow.  Even when we met her at the start of intros, it wasn't love at first sight and six weeks in, it is growing but I'm not there yet and I'm actually ok with that because I know it will come. I think for me it is a kind of self preservation because I've waited so long to become a mum and we waited so long for a link, once it happened I didn't let myself believe it would all go ahead in case something went wrong.  We had wanted a baby from day 1 but had come round to thinking we were going to be linked with older so I didn't believe it when sw gave us the cpr for such a little one. I think you'll get more of a feel once you meet fc.  I guess what I'm trying to say is it isn't always love at first sight but if it's the right match, the love will come. Not sure I've helped much - sorry!!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Can you ask to see a video?    Good luck!


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We had the same concerns over our link, it's a case of no reason not to proceed. I think everyone forms relationships differently. No birth mum gets to meet or see their child before they are born and indeed some don't feel that instant rush of love when they do meet them.
Can I ask how old lo is? Our link was just a few weeks when we read profile and 2 months when we saw pictures. I think in some ways the younger they are the harder it is as there's no "personality" to be connected to if you see what I mean? I think with an older baby it toddler as others have said when speaking to FC they bring them alive because they describe their personalities.


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## Troodles (Jun 7, 2009)

Can I just echo what everyone has said.  What you are feeling is 'normal'.  We were linked to 2 little blues 2 mins after getting yes at panel. We were completely shell shocked and didn't show any emotion or excitement.  Our SW has since said that she was surprised at our reaction and has learnt that it's maybe not the best time to tell people about a potential link and maybe give them a day to get over it.  It's been 3 weeks and we still don't feel excited.  They are perfect on paper, no real issues, background better than we'd imagined, bf live a good distance, reaching milestones, happy, attached well to fc etc so no reason to say no, but I'm still waiting for that thunderbolt!!

We met their SW last week and saw pics and a video clip and yes they are very cute and happy and smiley but still no doves flying and angels singing.  We are going ahead as no reason not to.  We are meeting FC next week so that will be good.  I said to DH last night, will you be gutted if we don't get the boys and he said yes.  I know I will be so I think that's the answer.

Once you (us) are parents and they're there all the time, that love and that bond will grow as others have said.  It really is a case of self preservation.  I said to my friend the other day, I can't imagine children being in our house that don't leave so until we all have our LOs at home with us I don't think we can truly believe we are going to be parents at last.

Good luck hun and don't beat yourself up about this.  In a few months you'll be posting about how much you love your LO and giving advice to newbies!!

Big hugs
xxx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Congratulations on your link. I hope this is the one!

And yes normal! The only thing to consider maybe is why you felt something for the first link (which I am so sorry fell through) when you don't for this one? What's different - maybe just your state of mind?

To us our lb just looked like a baby - a perfectly nice one but no thunderbolt. Proceeding as no reason not to is v normal. I was beside myself with worry that I would feel nothing on meeting him even, which I knew was still normal, but which I didn't want. I was thankful to completely fall for him when we met, despite having felt nothing at the photo.

GOOD LUCK!
Gettina


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Thank you all so so much for your posts.  Feel a lot better now!

We have gone ahead, met the fc who really brought lo to life. Really weirdly now we both feel this is our lo.  We saw a lot more pictures and started to see bits of both of us, which I know isn't possible but we could see them!!

Now just have to get through panel in jan.

Trying not to get too excited and carried away- thank god for christmas!  Best distraction ever.  Also not telling anyone but immediate family this time round.

Thank you again. X x


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