# Work won't support me



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Hi,
Im feeling so low today I thought id try do something to distract myself for a moment and post on here about it...im going to back to work tomorrow after being signed off for the last month.
I desperately do not want to go, it sounds so stupid but I don't want to go back to work until Im pregnant! I want that news so bad that life has 'stopped'...nothing seems important at all compared to this now, work - money - holidays, what am I going to work for   
What I am dreading isn't so much the working but the hours and the commute, I work long distance and its going to be hell trying to get back into motivating myself every morning to get up when I have as it seems 'nothing to look forward to'
If 'it' doesn't work this month, I am going to be more devastated than ever


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Dear Scorpy, 

I couldn't read and not reply... We all I think (Who've faced IF) have had points where it had felt like this, like wading though super glue each day.. I see you said you've been signed off for a month, have they offered counselling or medication? I say this because as much as I understand where you are 'at' I also know from experience that the road ahead may not be smooth and for YOUR own sanity you need to allow yourself the support and help to find your inner mojo again.. 

Life can't stop (golly I wish at times it could, trust me if I had a fast forward to the happy bit buttin, it would have been pressed doiwn since 2007 solidly lol) ... and if your journey does take a little longer before you reach your goal, remaining in the place you emotionally are now will make it much much harder...

I know it's not easy to come through a stage like this but with the right support and help, and yes a little bit of a self kick up the bum bum it CAN get better. 

As silly as it may sound try and remember the other things that make your life special and happy, while you are searching for the 'completion' don't forget to find time to smile at the other pieces of the puzzle of your life. The comfort/laughter given by a good friend, the feeling of hope a new dawn can bring and the little things you love about those you hold dear. Try and do ONE thing a week the old you would have enjoyed, it can start small if you're not yet up to going out, i.e. a fave meal and film, or maybe a night with friends or your OH. 

You see the thing is your beautiful baby might be just around the corner, or they may still be a little journey away but when you reach them, you want to be truly YOU, not the shell of someone who started with such hope and courage. 

Not easy I know but we're all behind you xxx


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Thanks both   Nice to know I'm not alone and we analyse ourselves in the same ways
Ive not had great jobs in the past, then I got this one 2 years ago albeit a drastic daily commute (for no more money either) and my life changed, so this blip has really confused me I thought I liked my job and the people so what is my problem now!
I went back today reduced hours and I just felt so tired, I did get a few bizarrely insensitive comments about how I can 'have their kids' if I want them etc, but they were nice in saying it must be hell etc. 
So why do I feel like I can't live normally at the moment....people have said maybe I'm not ready to go back, but with having Depression for so many years I know it doesn't really get better by sitting around waiting, nor will it ever 'go' completely, which is why I didn't stay signed off. Im just so hoping this month is THE month


----------



## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

hey there, 

i cant really offer any advice on this but just wanted to say i feel the same about work and most things in life at the moment - id much rather just stay at home all the time curled up on the sofa with DH and not have to face the world.
i do have a really good job and ive always enjoyed it but the last year i have really struggled to keep motivating myself.

the only plus i can take from this is that at least i acknowledge this and realise that its not healthy behaviour and i do keep trying to tackle it. 

one step at a time...


----------



## Banjo55 (Nov 9, 2014)

Hi I'm new on FF.  This is my first post.  I just wanted to say Scorpy thanks for sharing.  

I've been signed off with stress too.  TTC for so long and work stress created a perfect storm of emotions where after breaking down in front of my line manager I finally realised that I needed to get signed off.  I spent the first part feeling guilty for being off even though I was (am) an emotional wreck.  The thought of going back has made me even more anxious.

Now that you've been back a little while, apart from the insensitive comments, how have you found it?


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Sorry to hear your suffering the same  
I went back for only 2 days and couldn't cope so I'm off again, even though I again only asked for a ridiculously short sick note, like you say - because you feel so guilty about being off we don't do ourselves any favours - albeit if id have felt more support on these 2 days back it would have helped, instead I got work piled on me. I couldn't give a monkeys about the 'work' anymore, I want to know what my future will bring for me and my husband not stats and figures!
Ive asked for a phased return etc and when they agree to this I will try to go back again but they are taking their time deciding  

If I just got some good news this month, or even a positive result on these damn ovulation sticks then id feel like I was getting somewhere  
Are you doing anything to help you get back or do you not really know what would help?


----------



## Banjo55 (Nov 9, 2014)

It's probably a good thing that you've taken more time off.  Going back too early never helps.

I realised a while ago that no matter how rubbish you're feeling, once you're at work people will expect you to be firing on all cylinders just because you're there.  You need to look after you, no one else will.

I'm clueless as to how to move forward.  When I got my last certificate my GP referred me for psychological therapy.  I've got an assessment with them this week.  I guess it's to work out how they can help.  They might offer counselling or CBT.  I won't make any decision about work until after I've had my session.  She did offer medication but I said no.

I know what you mean about getting good news.  I think the month after month of disappointment has worn me down.  I've had what I call mini breakdowns and tried to just keep going, throwing myself into work but each time I hit a low it was like a new low that got deeper and harder to get over.

While I've been off I've listened to about a week's worth of Circle & Bloom meditations that I downloaded.  It's still early days but it does feel good to be doing something positive.  I've also been using sleep meditations off youtube as I struggle to fall asleep. One good thing about being off though is at least I haven't had so many nights where I just don't sleep.

Has your GP offered you any additional help?  If not I'd push them.


----------



## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Guys hope you don't mind me butting in but I read post and wanted to share.

Scorpy remember you from astrology post- I'm also a scoprio and think we get het up not achieving things when we want them I.e.now. I've had infertility related depression off and on for years. I've had long periods off work and have changed jobs to minimise stress/travel/anything I thought would help. Its really wearing on the soul. 

CBT is really helpful..so can medication be- even a low dose will take the dull edge off. I stopped month before treatment but the last dosage got me through mc and the months of failed attempts whilst waiting for funding.
I also recommend phased returns to work. Although your mind may not be wholly there, it will help the time pass and is better than being at home stewing about it (black dog thinking in CBT speak). they should also help by giving yuou a reduced workload during this time. Planning things not fertility related will also keep your mind off "it", weekends away, visiting somewhere new..just means you have something else to look forward to. Even if it is crossing off the 3 weeks in between cycles.

Its truly horrible having the build up and then failure each month. Ultimately you do need the strength to keep going and being positive, even if that's through meditation/exercise or some help from the serotonin boosters out there.  

Banjo- I used circle & bloom (still do) really rate them. Darren Marks sleep deeply hypnotherapy app is very good.

The depression will go, if it is solely related to this. Think its another Scorpio characteristic. We may have recurrent depression but we can learn to manage it rather than it controlling us. The short cartoon book Black Dog is worth a read- think it was on Black Dog institute website (Oz based research centre). It was recommended when I did my resident CBT sessions at the Priory (had a really bad period some years back). 

Have faith and positivity that you will get there..I never imagined this time last year I would be here. Its taken 7 years, a lot of heartache. I have nagging doubts that depression will return but know I have beaten it and can do so again.

I wish you ladies much strength and fortitude on this weary road. Sorry for rambling, yours posts resonated with me xx


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Thanks guys, Banjo I'm the same I refuse medication, Im not a big fan of taking medication anyway without knowing exactly why etc id prefer natural/alternative therapies and I have always said to GPs I am not taking any medication when the way the NHS diagnose a mental health illness is by a 'tick sheet' there are so many MH illnesses out there and some could be stemming from physical problems (i.e. Thyroid etc) so Im never going to go on medication until a physical test for Depression is invented! 
Besides which I have had Depression for 9 years now, I knew exactly what caused it at the time.

Obviously due to this time I've had endless amounts of repeated treatment for it; CBT, Hypnotherapy, Meditation, More counsellors than you can shake a stick at...LuluLimon - funny you mention Scorpios again, I think this is why CBT doesn't work on me, I have too strong of a mind set, what 'I' believe is the truth and not what someone else tells me, Im not easily influenced  stubborn!...but being a Scorpio _as astrology is something I believe it_, it also reminds me that I am strong and this helps ...ive self managed this Depression for 9 years, my last absence from work was 5 years ago and it was a job I was getting abuse in daily so I'm sure after 5 years of working there it would take its toll on anyone...Everyday I deal with it and motivate myself etc despite the battles, and believe me there have been so many weird and wonderful issues thrown at me, Im sure I could write a book(!), but when things start to 'mount' I crumble - my dad is really ill and the fertility issues are now coming to a head almost, so I feel I don't have the time to wait and this pressure and sadness has just come to a head 

I think what would help is feeling safe/confident/reassured in our GPs, to instead feel like I have to then motivate myself to research and my own treatment options is even more waring on us to do.
It would be good to find a local support group of women going through the same, as you do feel really alone in this.
It is a roller coaster, I was feeling ok recently then another negative ovulation test so I had a little cry last night, thinking what is the point of us trying here, why aren't I...so many 'why' questions and so little answer given by GPs

This forum has been a multitude of strength for me though


----------



## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Scorpy  
Its shocking how many rubbish GPS there are.

Is there an Infertility network group near you? There's a list of their website and there are met ups?

Stay strong scorpy.. Us scorpians never give up even when life throws us repeated piles of sh#t xx


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Haha true   Some people say God only gives you what you can handle... 
I don't think there was any near me, I will check again though.


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Feel like crying and crying again today. Basically my employer has said they won't support me through IVF - in terms of my depression being a key factor that I'm going to struggle with. Its sick leave or get into work, and if its sick leave - well, ill more than likely face dismissal. 
All I wanted was some understanding, empathy, support that they would help me get through this difficult time without impact on my work.
I just feel like quitting, but you can't do that when your in debt and need to pay the mortgage. I honestly don't know how I'm going to keep my mood stable, all I want to do is cry and I'm expected back at work next week.


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Sorry to hear this Scorpy

Are they refusing to let you book holiday for it? Was that the other option apart from work or sick? What had you decided you wanted off? I took EC and ET and then made the time back from early bloods by staying late etc

So sorry your feeling rubbish  

Have you thought about postponing your ivf until your feeling stronger and better emotionally? Maybe after a period of time back at work they might be more supportive

Do they had a policy on ivf? My company says 2 unpaid days leave up to twice a year for ivf
L x


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Well for me its not so much for the IVF but for my depression, I've had a handle on it for the last 5 years not having any time off but going through infertility obviously has an impact on everyone, and for me I slip straight back into the depression. 
So I just wanted some reassurance really that they appreciate it will be a difficult time for me to try and manage my depression through, plus the travelling involved will make working/catching up difficult (as I live 2 hours away from work, so 4 hours travel total). So I wanted to be able to work from a local office or laptop during times I was struggling.

My works policy on IVF is appointment times are given but travelling and working afterwards is expected - if not, its to be taken as sick leave (they would probably let me take leave aswell I imagine?) but if I have more sick leave then its probably dismissal threats...
I won't expect to feel better any time soon, I would normally just push through it despite how I felt but I know the impact of this biologically won't help with fertility/TTC so hence I took the time off work.
Its also difficult to judge if maybe Clomid is playing a part in me feeling worse recently


----------



## Bubbles12 (Aug 29, 2012)

Scorpy,

It may be worth speaking to ACAS or citizens advice on this as i would have thought that employers need to tread carefully with fertility issues amd EVEN MORE so with depression. I read once that if employers do not support you with ferility it could be classed as sexual discrimination.

I definatley think its worth you looking into.

Good luck xx


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

I imagine they are seen as supporting by saying 'appt times are given but not travelling and expected to work after' so by doing that they are supporting, the depression thing I'm sure they have to tread carefully and I don't think it will do any harm to seek advice Scorpy but them saying that or offering for you to take sick leave (which I understand what your saying about taking more) but I do think that's them supporting

Is your job usually one you can do from home? Have any other staff members had an arrangement where they do? If so you should definitely take that up with them x


----------



## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Exactly, its box ticking, but not really having a personal relationship with me - empathy goes a long way toward actually feeling supported even if they can't actually do much more etc, that would at least be a start.

Yeah I could certainly work from home for a short period its just admin/PC work, I didn't want to compare it to this obviously, but there was a lady undergoing chemo and she had been given one of the spare laptops to work from home after she went through it etc.
I'm waiting to see what my union say but certainly doesn't help when there isn't a great solid law in place for IVF


----------

