# Parenting children with Learning disabilities?



## Ermey

Hello,

Hope I am posting in th right place; I could do with some advice if anyone can help?

We were approached yesterday about a possible match with a child with "mild to moderate" learning difficulties. we have yet to pick up the paperwork so all we know so far is the above and that it could well be genetic. The child is under 2, so I guess there is a limt to how much they can know yet, but if they know it may be moderate does that imply she is showing significant problems already?

I have to be honest that I felt disappointed when we heard that the child has learning difficulties  -  I know that if we adopted and then they later turned out to have learning difficulties then we would deal wth it and find a way of coping because we would already know and love our child, but it feels SOOOOO different being asked to go into it knowingly. I am worried that this makes me a bad adopter, after all there is often uncertanty for adopted children.

Also I think I just feel scared, and like I don't really know what we would be letting ourselves in for? How "moderate" is moderate?  What sort of demands does learning difficulties place on the parents? I have M.E (very mild) and wonder if it is wise to throw in an extra element of parental stresses....am I just being selfish? 

This is the second time we have been approached about a child with possible or definate learning difficulties and I wonder are we just being unrealistic and have to face the fact that learning disabilities are very common in adopted children? Or is it just coincidence that we have been approached about similar things?

I am very concerned and confused as you can probaly tell! I also feel really awful at having to "judge" a child in this way. And if we say no to the child is the SW going to think us bad people? They were not very impressed when we said no to the last one (though there was a whole bunch of other reasons).

Has anyone got experience of parenting (or working with) children with Learning difficulties that could shed any light on this?

ANY advice weould be so gratefully received!

Thanks

Ermey


P.S - hope its ok to post this kind of message, will happpily accept it if the mod thinks its not appropriate!


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## Suzie

Hiya

Firstly big  to you

I think the best advice I can give is that you need to know all the facts and only then can you make an informed decision. 
The thing is the child is under 2 so I am not sure how they have determined they have learning difficulties, is it due to actual physical disability such as brain trauma etc or is it due to the childs development, due to their start in life ? C was very behind in his development when he came to us just before his second birthday. He has no speech and no social skills and no attachment to anyone. 

I wish you lots of strength to make your decision 

You should not feel pressured to agree a match. The child has to be the one for you, sw's should never make someone feel bad for turning down a match.

xx


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## wynnster

Hi Ermey

Another   on it's way  

It is so very hard isn't it.  I agree with Suzie in that you need to know absolutely everything before you can even think about making a decision.  Learning difficulties was one of the 'tick boxes' on our form F that we had big discussions over as there are so many things put down to LD, dyslexia for example is classed as a LD (ok so maybe not in a 2 yr old but you see where i'm coming from) as is some forms of brain damage......  So I would just try to hang tight until you get all the information, it maybe that the BP's have some form of LD??

No I don't think you're being selfish at all and your feelings certainly don't make you a bad adopter (being pressured makes your SW a bad SW though   )  We are all human and can only take on what we are able to cope with.  I felt awful when I read DS's CPR, there was a chance that he may have had a hereditory condition and we felt gutted, we read up as much as we could and then in the end decided that we could cope even if he did have it so went ahead..... At 18 months he was tested and doesn't have it   but the what if's made me feel sick, just imagine if we'd have said no  

When will you get to read the childs CPR? 

Best of luck


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## Boggy

Hiya

 for you

We've been told that Dino is likely to have learning disabilities.  As he's Cookie's birth sibling we wouldn't have said no to him but had we been told about him as our first child then we'd had thought carefully about it (and probably said yes anyway!).  He came to us at 13 months and is now 16 months 

The medical reports etc we received about him painted very bleak picture.  At this age it is VERY difficult to tell what a child's progress will be, and you will be told the worse case senario as if it was definate.  Now Dino is home with us we can see that he is likely to have some difficuties, but his strong personality will help him cope (not so sure about us!), however he has made a huge amount of progress very quickly since he joined us. We were told Cookie would likely also have L.D. but I don't think she has. 

I'm trained as a special needs nursery nurse so I don't find the whole thing too daunting, but I do worry about him as a adult and if he will be independent.

I'd ask the questions:

What professionals are involved?
What support would he come with? (adoption allowance)
Are there any concerns with his head circumference? (this is one way they assess learning dificulites)

Anything else I can help with let me know
Bx


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## Ermey

Hi girls,

thank you all for your fantastic replies. We don't get the paperwork till Monday so as you can imagine I am going round and ronund and round in my head!

We know that apprently both parents do have LD's which is why we are assuming its a genetic thing. Though I guess their LD's may be due to environment and lack of nurture (purely speculating here!).

We felt very confused about the LD's thiing in the "tick-boxes" for matching - for the same reasons you say Wynnster - which is why we ticked "would discuss" as opposed to not accept. We sort of wonder if this is why both matches we have been presented with have had background of LD's. We don;t want to turn away children that might be a great match just because their development is a bit behind and there is uncertainty - we would love them anyway of course! - but on the other hand we feel scared about knowingly taking on actual diagnosed LD's and the long term implications. Actively "choosing" to go with a match with LD's is so different to taking on an open book and then tackling it if it happens.  

Can actual LD's (as opposed to uncertainty) be caused by environment? Can anyone even know at such a young age? What is "moderate" difficulties and is this just worst case scenario?  

Thank you for your support about not being made to feel pressured; we do feel a bit pressured due to their reaction last time but it is so important to do what we feel is right for everyone.

Boggy the list of questions to ask is extremely helpful! Thank you. And its so nice to hear your encouraging stories. I think I may be picking everyones brains some more soon if thats ok?

Thanks
E xxx


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## Suzie

It is very different if they are talking about developemental delay etc than actual confirmed learning difficulties
I guess as you say you will have to wait until monday to get the full facts 

Will be thinking of you and hoping the weekend goes quickly for you 

x


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## Ermey

Thank you  

and        !


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## magenta

Our daughter Bubbles (aged 4) has global development delay and some level of learning disability.  both her birth parents have learning difficulties - although we only know of one BP with a family history of full LD and other BP may just have had learning problems arising from life situations as a child rather than fully genetic - so yes environment definately plays a part. At 19months things looked bleak but actually now she is only mildly behind and within 'normal' spectrums. But it could have gone either way and we were ok with that.

We always knew and tbh it has been the best thing for us as we were able to fully grieve for our 'ideal' child before we went to matching and lowered our expectations according to her needs. We love her to bits and knew from day one that she might not acheive certain things but that's ok with us. 

For us the main issues have been more around her gross and fine motor skills (she struggles with stairs at age 4 and can't draw properly yet) and her poor eyesight - which is something no-one knew at point of placement! Also sadly a very slight attachment issue because of her being placed at 19months (and possibly due to bad contact visits in care) which delayed her grasp on permanence and emotional regulation (see AUK website for more info on permanence) and means she needs extra support when anxious, upset etc as she can't control her own emotions and needs a trusted grown up to help her regulate.  But things are getting better and we are looking towards her going to a mainstream primary next year but with a support assistant in place.

In terms of parenting it means for us having one parent home full time to keep consistency of care between nursery and activity classes and help her to do extra 'work at home' to build skills like balance or pencil holding or phonics which she hasn't grasped yet.  She also sees at least one specialist a fortnight - Educational Psychologist, Optician or eye hospital, Speech and Language, Occupational Therapist, health visitor or Community peadiatriation.  But with one of us at home it is fine to sort visits to hospital where necessary and liase with nursery if they are seeing her there.

We don't know any kind of parenting other than this so I don't know how much more or less it is that 'normal'. But I do know we get just as much joy out of it as anyone else I know and the bits that are different...well thats just our Bubbles.  Quirky and funny and clumsy but desperate to climb and run and have fun.


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## Ermey

Thank Magenta, is really helpful and interesting to hear your experiences. INteresting that your little one is doing very well and only mildly behind, as you say it shows what a difference nurture/environment can make. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with her.

We have seen the paperwork now and don't feel we are the right people to parent this little one, there are multiple issues. I imagine there is room for everyone to be surprised by how well she progresses, but we feel we have to think about whether we are the right people in worst case scenario, and we don't feel we are the ones to give her the amount of extra support that she needs and is likely to need throughout her whole life.

We were sort of expecting this but we still feel very down. Feel rather guilty that we are turning away this poor little girl and can't help feeling as though we are being selfish. The desire to be a parent is so strong that you start questioning your decisions and then you can't see the wood for the trees!  

Its so hard and confusing isn't it. Now we have the problem of how to approach the SW about it, I am really paranoid that we will get the raised eyebrows treatment .. we had a bit of difficulty last time we said no.

Ho hum!  Thanks ever so much again all of you, you have been stars.  

E x


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## Viva

Hi Ermey, 
Just wanted to say that the way that you described your decision on here sounds good, as we are right to think about the worse case scenario. Hope it all goes well when you speak to your SW and that you won't have to wait long for a match.
Viva
X


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## wynnster

It is very hard to say no to a LO so be kind to yourselves  

I Hope your SW was supportive of your decision this time too.

xxx


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## Ermey

Thanks so much for your support everyone, and your nice words Viva and Wynster about saying no.

The meeting went well, the SW was really nice and did seem to understand.  I feel happy in the knowledge that we made a good, realistic, sensible decision; but very sad that it wasn't to be.  It felt within touching distance for a short while there, which is both encouraging but gutting that it wasn't the right match. I want my child so much now that I sometimes feel like banging my forehead on the wall, or standing on top of a big hill and just yelling!  I know you have all been there and come out the other side so that is huge encouragement.

You've all be great, thanks so much. 

Have a great weekend.

Ermey xxx


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