# My head is wrecked should I try again???



## Andante (Jan 26, 2009)

Hi all,

I have used FF throughout all the various stages of my treatment journey and have found the support and information to be invaluable over the years. I thought at this stage my journey would be over and that I would be able to move on but unfortunately my head is wrecked regarding what is the best thing to do.

Short synopsis:
We are very lucky to have a two year old DE little boy following treatment in Serum. This was following a number of failed OE treatments, surgeries and an adoption process. (Adoption is not an option at the moment in my country). Last year we decided to do an FET with our frozen embies from our successful  DE cycle. Unfortunately it was a bfn, initially I was kind of relieved as I felt that it was the end of our journey and I was also terrified of getting pregnant again as our little fella was prem etc. Roll on a year an I am devastated that we won't have a sibling for our little fella.....so what to do??

I have to go for surgery as have endometriosis and it is causing a lot of pain. I have been to two consultants and both have said we can do surgery and put in the mirena coil or you could consider going again. I have said to them but I am 47!!!! One of the consultants has said that he can do implantation cuts if I am going again. So I feel that the up and coming surgrey is forcing my decision. Two friends I know have said would you not have a hysterectomy if the endo is so bad.....Jesus they've no idea that would kill me all together!!!!  

I have been on to Penny to see if our donor is available but she is not available to donate as she is pregnant. So would have to use a different donor
and would have concerns about that. Also I would be extremely nervous about having multiples so if going ahead would only want one embryo transferred. This could mean that I would need a few transfers before being successful.

We have had a six year journey and wonder how do you end it? I have been surrounded by new babies all Summer, siblings having babies, friends having second children easily etc, etc. I am worried that our little fella will not have a sibling especially as we are older parents. My parents died relatively young so I want to be well for our little boy. Our little boy is such a little miracle but in the words of U2 'I feel stuck  in a moment and I can't get out of it'. I am going to counselling and am trying to move on but it's not working. It just feels now because of DE the options are never ending and it is up to the individual to make the decision to end treatment.

Yesterday I called to see someone who has two young children who must be DE and she is older than me!! I just don't want to have any regrets but am worried about health risks etc. after our failed treatment last year my husband was adamant that that was it until recently. He has said if I want to go again he will support me but that he is worried about my health etc etc. 

So my head is wrecked....what to do to go again or cherish what we have, grieve the loses and MOVE On 

Wishing all of you who are on this rollercoaster all the very best. 

Andante


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

I know some lovely, happy, delightful people who were only children, so I don't think you should feel like you are somehow letting your son down if you don't manage to give him a sibling.  I understand it doesn't change your desire to have another child, but I don't think you should feel guilty if it doesn't happen.

A hysterectomy without oophorectomy (removing the ovaries) wouldn't fix your endo anyway; and going for a hysterectomy *with* oophorectomy, while it would probably help your endo, would throw you straight into a post-menopausal state (not great for your health either). Your friends are no doubt well-intentioned, but they are being ignorant in suggesting that a hysterectomy is the thing to go for.

Be kind to yourself. You don't have to do either the Mirena or implantation cuts right now if it's not something you're sure you want to do.


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## Andante (Jan 26, 2009)

Hi Crazyhorse,

Thanks a mill for your reply you are very kind. I'll get there and maybe I am just not ready to make a decision yet. I am a nurse myself and have advised lots of friends during their fertility journey but am feeling quite alone as there is no one in a similar situation to me. Thanks again for taking the time to reply and I hope that all is well with you.

Andante


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## tiffers35 (Aug 25, 2013)

Hi Adante,
Sorry you are struggling with all this. 
I feel we have many similarities although I have siblings for my first (all via DE).
We are the same age and I too, have been thinking of another DE cycle. I have been weighing up the pros and cons. In an ideal world I would try again. You are right the beauty of DE allows you to go on indefinitely. You do have time to really think about what you want to do. 

For me I am unlikely to go again and I am not sure why I am constantly thinking about another go. My husband feels we have had our family and financially and emotionally we are done. Here are some of my thoughts relating to me and my position some may reflect some of your own concerns and therefore may help you come to a decision. 

Firstly I do think about my age. I would be 47 if I go ahead with another DE cycle immediately and it was successful. Who knows how old I'd be if I had to have a number of cycles to be successful. Saying that many of us here have achieved successful pregnancies at our age and over with no problems what so ever. I think I also worry about how long I'd be around for as well. Sorry I know that sounds very morbid but I do worry that even with my existing children how long will I actually be around for them. I was an older mum when I had them. But then I think that if me and their dad are not around at least they have each other. 
So again pros and cons. 
There are many mums I know that only have one child and I do sometimes envy them. The ability to spend quality time with your child without constant interruptions from siblings and no sibling rivalries to deal with have to be an advantage.  These families seem to have lots of fun and are able to do more things than I am able to do due to the logistics of dealing with more than 1 child and obviously the financial side of things. 
I have also thought about why we all want to have siblings for our children. Is it for us or for our existing child/children. I suppose the idea is that they have company growing up and will have each other when we are no longer around. I guess my kids do get on sometimes but it's 50:50 with one minute having fun and the next shouting and screaming at each other. Then I think about some of my friends and many do not have much of a relationship with their siblings now including myself. 

I guess that what I am saying is that it's ok whatever decision you make. There are pros and cons of course as there are to most things. No one knows how things will turn out. None of us can predict the future. So go with what makes you feel the most comfortable now and don't try to over think as as you can see from my ramblings that just complicates things further! If you are fit and well and can emotionally and financial cope with more treatment then why not. If you decide against then I think that will be fine too!

Good luck with it all. 
Tiffers


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## Andante (Jan 26, 2009)

Hi Tiffers35,

Thank you so much for your kind message and I hope that you are enjoying your precious family. I agree with a lot of your post and know you understand the dilemma, so thank you for the reply.

I do think what I have been doing is grieving the loss of the possibility of a sibling for our little fella after our last failed cycle. It has been a particularly hard Summer as there are new babies everywhere plus if our cycle had worked we would have had a baby by now. I think that I am going to try to move on and embrace what I have. There are so many things in my life that are great and I hate concentrating on what I don't have!!! I have spent the week saying to myself that I am not doing another cycle and it is beginning to sit alright with me....hopefully it lasts!!!

Thanks again and best of luck with your own decisions to.

Andante


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