# New Here and need some help quickly (long post, sorry)



## LabLover (Sep 11, 2008)

deleted


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## rtsaintly (Oct 19, 2007)

Hi,

I can empathise, we have just had first unsuccessful ED attempt. For me though I dont feel upset at having to use ED, as I feel lucky to be able to carry a child at all....this for us is just a technicality to get us there - and like unassisted natural pregnancy, things can go wrong. We felt that from the beginning, and it meant that when it was unsuccessful we were able to be pragmatic about it, despite being devastated. As I'm mixed race we have been advised it could be 8 years before someone suitable comes along. I suppose thats the most difficult thing for us to come to terms with. Its important though, because the heritage of the donor person with also be the heritage of our child. 

I felt as disappointed for our donor (who like us has fertility problems, and would have been donating to help with the cost of her own treatment). She probably didnt feel that lucky when she woke to find that it hadnt gone to plan, and they had only been able to retrieve 5 eggs. We felt as much for her as we did for ourselves, and hope that everything goes to plan for her - she was doing an amazing thing for us. I believe in charity (if thats the right word), that people should do things for each other whenever they can- and I will accept help when I need it, and give it to others when I can.

There are so many emotions (and hormones!) swirling around at a time like this, I sometimes have to sit back and force myself to look at it objectively. I know other people might not agree, but for us, having a child is not a right, and so we dont feel something has been taken away unfairly. We are very lucky that we can choose to consider DE, that we can afford to (by remortgaging!), and that there are Donors out there willing to give eggs. 

I hope that you and DH sort it out, and that you get the baby you so want 

Rachel xx


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## LabLover (Sep 11, 2008)

Rachel

I think that is a good point about accepting help.  This is something I have never been good at and is probably a big factor.  Thank you for pointing it out to me.

Wherever your journey leads you, I hope it is good when you get there.

x


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## rtsaintly (Oct 19, 2007)

Hey,

Dont worry, its good to vent! I'm sure you are the sort of person that would do anything to help anyone else, and you dont give it a second thought. 

Keep me posted on your journey.  

xxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Hi there.

I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm not sure you're ready to try with donor eggs. I think mayeb you'd benefit from more counselling and the chance to really think it through. Maybe it's not for you. I fear that if you got pregnant now through DE you would find it hard to bond with and accept the pregnancy.

And there is not just you in this, any resultant child deserves honesty about their origins, and for that to accepted, particularly by their own mother. 

I hope you don't mind me being blunt. It looks like you're underway, and maybe should have  had more counselling first. I presume you had some counselling before getting the go ahead, but maybe didn't share your true feelings? Can you try to arrange more counselling now?

I hope you can find peace with the path you're taking.

PS With regard to your donor, there is another way to look at it... I suspect she fears you may get pg from her eggs and she may not... and she isn't in such  different place to you, you know. i think maybe because you need donor eggs, you put undue emphasis on the fact she has "good eggs" and almost feel inferior.. but you know, what you both have in common is that you are infertile, even if for her it's because of male factor or tubal issues...  

xxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Just wanted to add a bit more.. please don't think I'm having ago at you, just being honest...

Btw, i can see that your DP is just grateful that you have this chance, as a couple, and that when he suggests getting a card, you maybe feel a little "pushed out" somehow.

But, having had twins now via DE with eggs donated by a friend, I never had the feeling from my partner that I had "failed" in any way, even after I'd had 7 mcs.. and once I got pg via DE, he was just so pleased and there was no doubt that it was my body that had allowed the embryos to implant and was growing the babies. The donor egg is sort of like planting a seed, but you're still the gardener.

have you seen this?






http://stirrupqueenannex.blogspot.com/2007/06/lyrics-for-mother-earths-flower-shop.html


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## Dita (Sep 19, 2007)

Drowned girl, I watched the links, and thought they were great, especially the one on utube, That one says everything perfectly!!!!!


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

I'm going to have to agree with Drownedgirl here - I think you need more time and help to be able to deal with donor eggs. It's a very, very hard thing to accept, so if you've been rather rushed along with the process perhaps it hasn't fully sunk in, and its implications.

Preventing your DP sending a thank-you which was heartfelt is more your problem than his - I know that's blunt and harsh, but... it's not a business transaction. Eggs aren't a car.

I went from joining an egg share programme to be a donor to nearly needing donor eggs myself, and donor would not have been for me. That means I totally get your point about it being a lot easier for the donor to feel generous. I felt very different about it from the other perspective!

But you need to look at the end game - would you secretly resent being pregnant with another woman's eggs? Would you look at that child and be hurt your features weren't reflected back at you?

Talk to other people who have used donor eggs - take more time on this. You may find that donor eggs as a concept is fine as long as you see it as a transaction, but once you delve beneath you can't deal with the long-term implications. They will bite you on the bum one day if you don't get to grips with them now. Or you may find you can accept the idea with some help from people who have been there.

Look after yourself FIRST - your DP's need for a child is powerful but it shouldn't make you bowl straight into donor eggs - you'll only resent him later. This is only the start of some very complicated battles if you haven't cleared it with yourself, first. He'll just have to wait.  

xxxxxxxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I think from careful reading, it looks like they are alreaay in the middle of the DE cycle.

I do think your clinic should have been sure that this was right for you and you'd worked through the issues.

Whatever happens this time round, BFN or BFP, i do think you'd relaly beenfit form more counselling and discussion, both with DP and by yourself. because the issue won't go awya, if you get a BFP, that's not the end of it as you seem to hope



LabLover said:


> After next week the whole donor thing will be history and I want to forget about it.


If you get pregnant, it will be something you need to resolve both for yourself, your partner, and your child.

xx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Some interesting links for you?

http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/item.php?seeresults=1&uniqueid=5902&categoryid=495&

http://discovermagazine.com/2006/nov/cover (Epigenetics)


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Yes, I'm sorry - I thought about it and realised you were in the middle of a cycle.

Whether it works or not, I still feel you need to get to grips with it without any feelings of pressure from your partner - give yourself a break from considering him and look after yourself. He sounds well meaning, but he's not the one who's facing all the angst!

I hope everything works out for you.

xx


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## LabLover (Sep 11, 2008)

It's all resolved.  We sent a card.

We have spent a long time in getting to this point.  I expect you know all about howlong waiting lists are in this country.  And had the 3 counsellingg sessions allowed by ourr clinic.  And more therapy besides.  And spent a lot of time talking to a trusted friend who has twin boys from an egg donor.  We are where we are today because of decisions we have made.  

Our egg donor had her egg collection this morning. We are not about to back out now and take more time to resolve issues.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I hope it works for you, and you and your DP together can get over your worries so that you can both enjoy the pregnancy and the joy of a donor conceived child.

If you want to pop by my blog I have a long list of books and resources about DE which might be helpful, if you haven't already read loads of stuff and thought through all the issues.

xx


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