# Struggling



## Jepa (Aug 6, 2011)

This is a bit of a 'howl into the wind' post, looking for an echo...

I've recently finished a failed FET, which is the most recent in an increasingly long line of treatments (as my signature shows). The disappointment I'm feeling is so familiar . Granted it is not as intense as the animal howling grief of losing a pregnancy and, compared to my others, this cycle was much easier physically because it was a natural cycle FET, so much lower drug/hormone load and no stims or egg collection. But it is still incredibly hard in itself, and impossible to separate from that same howling grief, which it brings back closer again to feel freshly - it doesn't go away. As we all too well know the struggle of fertility treatment a is not just a matter of toughing it out during treatment and then going back to 'normal' in between. It feels like each treatment accumulates on the others' sadnesses, each af brings fresh disappointment, each failed cycle a much larger fresh disappointment, each disappointment connects with and builds on the others... The fear of it _never_ working becomes larger, the hope flutters between being strong and clear and weak and insubstantial and the long, slow, empty, cruel sadness and utter fatigue builds and grows and sinks its pervasive tentacles deeper and deeper.

Treatment is hard, but at least something is actively happening. In between treatment is a different kind of hard - harder in many ways I think - and I am struggling to keep the faith.

We are not at the end of the road yet, and there is still plenty of hope  . I have at least discovered I can get pregnant, which is a huge positive to hold onto (or at least have been able to in the past, so why not in the future? ). And there are other avenues to explore (adoption). But at the moment I'm in limbo. I can't start another treatment cycle until May because I have a month-long international work trip in April (committed to a long time ago now) and way too much on my plate before then (fully renovating our home then moving in, massive work deadlines to be ready for April) to fit a cycle in in the meantime, not to mention clinics closing for christmas.

So here I am waiting again, still not pregnant and ageing day-by-day, month by month, year by year, wishing to hold my baby in my arms now but with nothing I can do about it. And finding it hard to properly focus on the things I do need to be doing (my work, our renovations). These should be a good 'distraction' from treatment, but instead the pain of not being able to realise that dream creeps in every corner and punches me in the guts, hard. When will this end?

 and  and  and  for a miracle  for every one of us in this position 

Thanks for reading my howl, and sorry for all the self-pity - it does really help to get it off my chest... xxx


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## WhatWouldBuffyDo? (Feb 13, 2012)

Oh, Jepa - Have a massive, enormous hug. I'm so sorry you're having such a horribly tough time. I know there aren't really any words to make it better. Time does help, though - and focussing on other things in the limbo phase does get easier over time. Limbo is the pits, but maybe you could look on it as a good amount of time to prepare for the next cycle? It'll be great doing a cycle living in a fully refurbished house that's all your own work! Just be gentle on yourself and let yourself do all the howling necessary. You're an amazing, strong woman in a horrendous situation. Fingers crossed for your happy ending soon.
WWBDx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi

First of all sending you a big  

I think a lot of the ladies on here will understand and sympathise with you totally - that's what is great about the forum as it's hard when people around you are either pregnant and feel sorry for us or family or friends who, with all the right intentions, but without having gone through or going through what we are tell us to try and relax and not think about things too much etc. etc. all the usual sayings. 

You keep strong.

We have just finished our third fresh IVF cycle and also had a FET and still no baby. It's absolutely soul destroying at times - you feel like at times that every cycle you go through takes a little piece of you with it. But I have to say that given a bit of time you get through again and dust yourself off and face life and IVF positively again. I think sometimes we expect far too much from ourselves ie. expect ourselves to think or feel a certain way and deal with things a certain way - but sometimes we have to go through this heartache and come through it to give us the strength and understanding of why we are putting ourselves through this each time. 

You will get there just don't expect too much of yourself and take each day at a time. Having a break from all the treatment will be a good thing in the long run - gives you plenty of time to get mentally and physically strong for the next one. So you can grab the next cycle by the balls and give it everything. 

Take care x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I have been also in a similar boat for 4 years now.  At the moment, I'm waiting to  see what will happen with the current fet.
Since you had mc and chemicals,  from what I could conclude,  what was your diagnosis?  Do you have any immune issues?


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## HopeCove (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi Jepa

I am so sorry you're having such a horrible time. I don't blame you at all for wanting to howl a bit.

Our FET last month was a complete disaster, and now my work is really full on until April and I worry about trying to do both at the same time. 

On my good days I can see some ****** of light through it all. A major part of my job is writing and my husband said a few months ago that I am a much better writer because of all this. 

On the bad days I couldn't give a monkeys about being a good writer. I'd rather set eyes, even just once, on any of the babies I couldn't carry.

You sound like a wonderfully strong lady. Hang on in there.
Xx


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## tams1234 (Nov 20, 2009)

I echo you and understand. It's just relentless waiting and waiting. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a very strong lady x


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## Summer13 (Mar 11, 2013)

Hey, Hope you are okay? Just wanted to say that i know exactly how you feel. I sucks doesnt it. I had my last fet at the beginning of the year and i'm only now starting to get my head around having more treatment - money is a big issue, as always. I got pregnant on my second cycle and I remember thinking to myself how easy it had been!!! i later miscarried, and three failed fet's later (with day three embryos) i dont know what is the best thing to do next or how in fact we cope with more disappointment. The only thing i do know is that I will be 35 next year and feel like i need to start thinking more seriously about it, and start making some decisions about what to do next but I'm finding even thinking about it so difficult, like it takes a lot out of me. 
Anyway, lots of love and hugs xxx


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## Jepa (Aug 6, 2011)

Thank you so much for your lovely replies, and for sharing your own situations, amazing ladies that you are . It does so help to be heard and understood . From what I can understand from your signatures and what you say, you've each been through the mill yourselves. Reading these messages from people in similar situation helps me feel much less alone; that there are people who understand in a way that transcends words. I'm so very sorry about each of you having to go through this  and I wish you each to find a way to the baby you long for as soon as possible   . In the meantime thank you each for lending me some of your strength  which is phenomenal.

WWBD thank you for the encouragement and support. Reading your signature I want to wish you all the luck and strength and support and baby-dust in the world and    that you conceive and carry to term very soon. The extra resilience you must have to be able to call upon to weather this storm without a partner is colossal and I'm sending you a long supply of   . I hope you have good people close to you that you can call on to howl on (or at  ) in person yourself.

Cosmopolitan     your current fet has a positive outcome!!! My diagnosis is unexplained infertility, though with a few leads. I have also have some endometriosis and I have another medical condition which means I'm in a lot of pain nearly all the time and severely disrupts my sleep (so stress from the pain plus sleep deprivation are 'lifestyle factors', though unfortunately not ones I have much control over changing!). I've had 1st immunes screened (but not the 2nd round) and it seemed like all was likely okay, though perhaps we need to look more closely? Have you had immune issues? Please do let us know how your fet goes.

Nat1Dragonfly thanks for your advice and understanding. You are so right about family and frineds with best intentions but just not really having full understanding of what this is like. You are also right about the intensity getting easier over time, though unfortunately I also find it goes the other way, though normally when I am expecting more of myself than I'm able to give I think. I'm sorry to hear you are in such a similar position to me at the moment.    for better outcome for you very soon.

HopeCove "On the bad days I couldn't give a monkeys about being a good writer. I'd rather set eyes, even just once, on any of the babies I couldn't carry" rings true like the clearest of bells. But your husband is right to point it out of course - it is incredible to think that something so hard as this can help us 'grow' as people (when it feels like the exact opposite) and also I often find myself childishly thinking "I don't want to grow - I want to grow a baby! I'm not interested in becoming a 'better person' out of this, I want to become a MOTHER". But other aspects of life do go on. And they DO matter. It's just that I find it hard to connect with them mattering at times (as you so eloquently describe). I am so sorry for your losses    and wish for your baby-ship to come in soon    

Tams  how unbearable to lose your pregnancies at such a late stage  . Thank you for your simple, insightful and gentle message.  that the cerclage turns out to be just what you need (as it sounds likely to be) and that you're able to conceive very soon and in due course hold your lovely baby in your arms 

Summer I'm so sorry to read you've had such a tough time and are struggling too. Yes the clock's ticking becomes louder faster, doesn't it!?!? I think even the 'sound' of that makes thinking about what to do more strenuous. But within that we _have_ to give ourselves time and space and energy to think - a conundrum and a contradiction, but (like all stuff infertility related) not one that it's possible to find a way around or shortcut through! Do you have more frozen embryos or are you back to fresh cycles? Even though money is also a big factor for me too, and I do still have embryos for another FET if I chose, my feeling (gut purely) is that I am going to need another fresh cycle, so the plan is to do that as soon as possible because my eggs are ageing but my frosties aren't. So we're going to borrow the money and do the fresh cycle soon as we can - it will cost roughly the same now or later, but is better 'value' earlier with younger eggs, is our reasoning...

I'm taking it day by day at the moment - some much better than others. Trying to not expect too much of myself and not get too worried about not getting as much work done as I need to be getting. And doing my best to count my blessings (and like WWBD pointed out, trying to add to them by doing my work and the renovations)... The pain is still large, and I know I can't shrink it by wanting to alone - it will just fight back stronger. So I am trying to be gentle with myself and also to make the most of the good days and bits of days.

Thank you again lovely generous ladies for your support. And hoping for you all has strengthened my hope for my own situation, as has the solidarity you've given.
 and so much       for the best outcomes for us all!!! xxx


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## HopeCove (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi Jepa - Thank so much you for your lovely words. I hope you are finding things a little easier. I try to think about my two cousins, both of whom had eight IVF attempts to get their little girls, but they have two each and they are gorgeous. (I also sometimes reflect on the simply enormous amounts of money that would cost, we could never afford that many attempts!). 
It sounds as though you have got a lot on your plate healthwise, it must be tough. Hang on in there. Keep the faith if you can. Big hugs xx

Summer 13  - I know how you feel, I turned 35 this year and it's a bit weird being in the new age bracket whenever you have to tick those forms. When we started this journey the doctors kept saying things like 'don't worry you're still young'. Now they are suspiciously quiet on that front! Hmmmmm. I have started thinking about wrinkles a lot.

xx


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## auntydanni (Nov 26, 2012)

Thank you for writing this, echoing everything I am feeling right now. The impact on my relationship of the last year has been so huge I'm scared that I'm facing losing everything, my dreams of being a mother as well as a wife. As you say, money is the hugest thing, if it was limitless I'd be able to go straight to a decent clinic and this nightmare may be shorter   if only I could know what the outcome was now without going through years of not knowing. Don't know what I'd do with out this forum!

Praying your dreams come true very soon.

Xxxxx


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