# My Diary to express my thoughts - not sure where to go don't fit anywhere



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Right I wanted to start a diary - but treatment diaries are meant to be specific and I'm not going through treatment I just want to get my thoughts out. 

This week has held a lot of mile stones but in a weird way. 
1. My baby brother turned 18. 
2. If my first round of ICSI worked I would have become a mother to twins. 
3. My period came - showing my third round of treatment had not worked. 

So this is me. 
I am now 28 my husband and I started trying to conceive about 3 to 4 years ago. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother so once we were settled it just made sense. 

Lets go back to the beginning as only I really know how I ended up here. 
I am one of 6 - number 3 in a big brood. When you're number three you just kind of fit in. No-one asks it of you, you just do it the world is so well established but also so changing you don't make demands on it. That was me I was loved and cherished but I just fitted in there were always older siblings doing much more important things than me and younger siblings who needed a lot more than me. This is my thoughts and beliefs not others. I learnt to deal with things alone I guess. When the others poured over where to go to University or what A-Levels to do with my parents I went away researched it myself and then told them what I decided. 

They were proud that I was so independent and capeable and I was glad not to distract from what everyone else was doing. I hope that doesn't sound dramatic because it wasn't it just is a big part of where I am now. I went to an all girls very competitive grammar school. I was the bottom of set one if that makes sense and really hated it. I was growing up with four brothers and was used to male company and a boys way of communicating. My honesty meant girls didn't like me (I guess it upset them?) and their whispering really hurt me. 

I used to hate going to school and never really had a group of friends that I was close to or trusted. However on the surface if you asked anyone I went to school with they would say I was happy and well liked - not popular I was never cool but I was well liked on paper I guess. Everyday when I walked in feeling rubbish I would tell myself that it didn't matter that I was miserable now because I would be really happy in the future. I looked at everyone round me they were ambitious and wanted to be rich and successful there was so much they needed to be happy. All I wanted was to be married to someone I loved and have my 4 children. I was going to be happy because my dream was easy to fulfill (or so my 13 year old self thought!!) 

This unhappiness at school made me determined to ensure I was as happy as possible. I spent years where I had to go somewhere that made me miserable so once my destination was in my control I would make sure I was happy. Initially I did really well with this. I left school at 18 and went to University - a place I loved every minute of life still help its ups and downs but I was in a place I felt happy going to everyday. I learnt that I was looking for something unrealistic in friendships I wanted a connection to people that really understood me - I saw others having this and wanted it. I learnt that I am one of life's closed books and that wasn't possible for me. Knowing this I changed what I was looking for in friendships and made a number of amazing friends which ten years on a number of are still with me. This was an amazing thing for my self esteem I always thought I didn't have friends in school because I didn't deserve them or something (teenage minds no one deserves one!) 

Any way University came to an end - everyone was discussing life careers and I remember thinking I just want to be a Mum this is all a bit pointless for me. However being me I never said that I researched jobs with the same commitment as my peers. I remember being sat in my one to one tutor meeting. My tutor asked me about the future and discussed job options. I remember saying to her I love the idea of doing those things but it's years of on the job training and I want a family I don't want to delay that for work. This moment is now en-blazed in my mind - she said with the kindness but wisdom of someone older ... I really think you'll regret that family will come and fit in when it does you should pursue this too. I walked away grateful that she cared but thinking she didn't know what was best. If only current me could go back and talk to younger me hey! 

At this time I also broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years he treated me terribly but I was young and didn't know better. That isn't why I ended it though guess what yes recurring theme. I broke up with him because I decided he wouldn't make a good enough Father for me to pin my dreams on him. I loved him and at the time thought I was heart broken but also knew it was the right thing to do. 

Luckily for me shortly after I met my now husband. Our relationship was strange he treated me like a Princess and still does. He made everything in my world different and better. He made me differnet and better. I found that relationship I'd been looking for my whole life that relationship where someone just understood me. He always knew the right thing to say when I was sad. He knew what I was thinking without me telling him. Everyone else had never known what I was thinking and I couldn't tell them. He was able to offer me comfort and support without me having to talk which enabled me to talk. 

I know what you're all thinking it must have been love at first sight. It wasn't strangely enough. I remember I didn't think past the next weekend - which is unlike me I am an over planner. We just had fun for a long time and he just carried on healing old wounds for me that I didn't know I had. I remember thinking that I wanted to do something for him to make his life better. So I decided to build his relationship with his nephews. He clearly loved them so much but didn't know how to show it or how to spend time with them. They were very young then. So this was my area of expertise I had spent a life time looking after children to make sure I was going to excel in my chosen career motherhood. I showed him how to play with them and talk to them I made him feel OK about hugging and kissing them, I saw how much this had added to his life and felt happy that if we broke up I had made his life better like he had mine. 

Slowly over time we realised that we loved each other and I relocated to live with him in Lancashire. We started to think about the future but still not to much it wasn't our way. I went back to University and trained to be a teacher - we decided this would help me settle in the area and would be great to go back to part time when we had a family. (Holes with the kids etc.) 

I was already desperate for a family by this time but didn't want to push my partner after all I'd been desperate for a family since I was a teenager waiting longer wasn't that bad. Then something strange happened. I was 7 days late coming on my period. I am a 28 days predict it down to the hour girl always have been. We were convinced I was pregnant - we weren't that careful it was possible. I remember being really nervous to tell my partner. He was brilliant and said it was a bit early but it would be great. Anyway I wasn't the Dr checked. This started something it made me acknowledge how desperate I was for a child. So I started to talk to my partner. He wanted to be married first. So we discussed this at length one night and started to make wedding plans - we even wrote a guest list. 

The next morning my sister called me and asked me to be her bridesmaid she was getting married. I was thrilled for her and ended our wedding plans there. Goes back to my childhood number 3 I played my supporting role and was happy to. Seeing my sister have her day honestly meant more to me than having my own. This is the truth it doesn't make me a martyr it's just who I am. During this time me and my partner had a lot of money problems - he works for himself and people he had worked for went bankrupt owing him a lot of money. Every bill we had to pay bounced two months running. We are really sensible with money but if you don't get paid when you have worked what else can you do. We made plans to rent our house out and move back in with his mother. Being us we never told anyone we just got on with it. We told each other it didn't matter if everything was taken we had each other and we were going to have a family and as long as we could eat and love our children nothing else mattered. 

Luckily after that some payments came and we managed to keep the house. After my sister was married I decided that a quiet wedding for us was needed. So six months later we were married - we told everyone 3 weeks before and just had parents, siblings and closest friends. My dream to announce a pregnancy at the wedding. At this point we weren't officially trying but we weren't preventing it either. The wedding came and the day after my sister announced that she was pregnant - I was devastated something deep in my heart told me I was never going to make that announcement. 

This is when the arguments started. I just knew we couldn't have a child - I begged my husband to adopt - he told me I was crazy we hadn't even really tried yet. I told him I knew it was the only way we would be parents. We started officially trying after months of unofficial trying. A few months in my period came on the morning of my sisters baby shower and I remember crying all the way there and back then getting into bed and refusing to get out. My husband did what he always does and told me it was going to be fine and forced me to go and spend a night with our nephews. 

Strangely after this we carried on trying and didn't discuss it and to be honest didn't think about it. We both had a lot of work stress and just got on with it. Then it got close to 12 months of official trying and we started to discuss the fact we needed to go for tests. 
So we went to the GP. This caused a lot of rows I wanted to pay and go private I told my husband not having a child was killing me and I couldn't wait to know why we couldn't. He was scared and for the first time we really went in opposite directions. He said we couldn't afford it and it wouldn't be quicker. So two months of blood tests later and 20 arguments about my husband booking to do his sample later we were at the GP's office for results. 

The GP said my hormone levels were great. She said my husband looked fine in terms of number and movement but there was a slight issue with morphology. She said not to worry it wasn't a big thing she's refer us for more tests in case there was something else. 

I felt weird after this I knew there was an issue and always had my husband was happy. I asked for a copy of our results and gave them to the only person other than my husband I really trusted. She knew a fertility consultant and showed them to him. 
Then the phone call came. I felt so sorry for her can you imagine telling someone you love they can't conceive?? 
She explained the consultant had told her the morphology was a big issue and meant we would need ICSI to have any chance of conceiving. This is the day my world stopped turning. My husband didn't want to believe me. With hindsight I can see why -  he had listened to 2 years of me being convinced there was a problem. Now I'd found someone to verify this. 

We self refereed to our closest IVF unit. I cried myself to sleep most nights and drove round in my car crying. I was totally lost - I was going to be a Mum that had been the plan my whole life. Now I was just left with a job I didn't want to do and a load of medical treatment. 

Months passed. We went for our tests at the IVF clinic and were waiting for our call back. At the same time my husbands Father got ill. He had various tests etc. We went away for Xmas I couldn't face a third childless Xmas. Number 1 we spent with my family this was painful so number two we spent with my husbands family. Guess what still painful. Number three - was my sisters first with her baby I couldn't face it. We went away. Christamas eve we got a call my Father in Law had been rushed into hospital and was having emergency surgery the next day. Then another call - he wasn't having surgery but was in a really bad way. So we went home. 

In between Christmas and New Year we took my Mother in Law to the consultants meeting we'd been waiting for. We were told it was cancer and it was terminal. In a matter of weeks my husband was told he couldn't be a Father and he was going to loose his. This reality struck me a few days later when we were with my family. My cousin was over he lives abroad. His nine month old son was crawling on the table near us. I watched my husband looking at him. I had never seen my husband look at a child like that. I saw in his eyes how badly he wanted to be a Father he'd never shown me this because he was scared. I decided to focus on looking after him and stop focusing on my pain. 

The new year came we had our official - so you can't have kids appointment and were told to call on the first day of any of my periods in the next 3 months to request an ICSI cycles. Then they would ring us back and tell us if there was room to treat us that month. 
So the hardest treadmill of my life started. That is the only words for it. We got told my Grandfather was in hospital guess what terminal cancer too. 

We were lucky and got accepted for treatment on our first call. We just prayed that my husbands father would make it long enough to see an Early scan or something. We hadn't told my husbands parents what was going on we didn't want to add further stress. We got up at 5am in the morning and went for bloodtests then went to work. Worked I drove home beeped the horn outside my husband got in and we drove to the other hospital to watch his father die -well visit but that was the reality. Got home at 9pm tried to eat and woke up to do it again. 

His Father died in the middle of our down regulating. We weren't there we had a hospital appointment at the IVF clinic you know how it is you have to go on set days. I know this still haunts my husband his Father thought he was at work. A couple of days after his Father died my Grandfather took a turn for the worse so we went down there so I would see him before he died. We went up and down blood tests in manchester, funeral in Baskingstoke - injections in a cool box done in car parks or toilets where ever we could. 

I remember thinking during this cycle the world / God has taken so much from me surely now we'll get out child. 
We ended up having to tell his Mum as we had a hospital appointment on the day she initially book the funeral for and had to rearrange it. She obviously wanted to know what was so important we wanted to change a funeral for it. 

18 eggs 11 mature 4 fertilised 2 good enough to put back. My husband was conviced it would work but something still nagged me that this wasn't going to work for us. It didn't I started bleeding on the day my period was due. 

At first I was OK but I'd been too strong for others for too long. I ended up signed off for two and half weeks about a month after this. I was put on antidepressants which I soon tool myself off. I know they help a lot of people but they are not for me. I also developed a £600  a month counselling habit which I still fund but I am starting to ween myself off. 

We had promised to each other one go that's it. I'd wanted to adopt my husband wanted IVF and this was our agreement. However I knew in my hear he wasn't ready to let go. I asked him what would help. So we booked a private consultation to ask all those questions that we had been too shocked and scared to ask. I thought the outcome of this would be your situation is hopeless and my husband would be ready to move on. The consultant told us that couples in our clinical position had a 65% live birth rate at their clinic. 

So we paid privately to go again this time short cycle. We paid so we could be treated in my summer break the NHS clinic closes and couldn't treat us. 
This time we did short antagonist. 
24 eggs 14 mature 7 fertilised. We went to blast 1 put back and 1 frozen. 
Guess what my period came on the day it was due. 

The week I started bleeding my sister told me she was pregnant with her second, one of my best friends told me she was 20 weeks pregnant and another friend to me her and her husband are trying. They all know our situation and knowing I will see all their children growing without mine kills me. 

So here we are in November and we have one FET with our frosty. Guess what period came the day it was due. 
I am keeping this as a place to express my feelings. I don't know what is next for us it is in the hands of my husband. This awful experience has made me believe that no one has the right to tell you you can't have children. Me refusing to go through treatment again is telling My husband he can't have a biological child and I don't believe I can do this. I have told him I am ready to move onto adoption if he is but I will go through treatment again if he isn't. I have told him if we are going to do it again I would rather get it over with. 2010, 2011 and 2012 have been awful and I am pinning my hopes on 2013 and don't want it to also be dominated with death and IVF failure. I want 2013 to be the year I finally become a Mummy however that happens IVF or adoption. 

I want to stop avoiding all my friends and family. However it is hard because I simply have nothing in common with them anymore. My life is so differnet to theirs and if I'm being honest I don't think that gap will ever close. They are happy to go along with my false smiles and not take the time to think beyond it. Also I am not encouraging them to ask as it only leads to conversations where I pretend to be grateful for comments they make that really hurt me and show no understanding or respect for the pain I am in. 

Wow I feel better for writing that all down gets my thoughts out. Even if no one reads this it has helped me to write it. Where to next? Who knows I guess I just need a sign that the pain I have lived with for the last four years will be eased soon. x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Gosh - it's only been an hour and 18 people have read my thoughts. One girl messaged me almost straight away telling me understood my situation. It's good to know that I'm not as alone as I feel. x


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

hugs
i know hw u feel, i could have written it myelf, infertility is so so cruel,
rosebud


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## lilyana (Aug 15, 2012)

Hugs.  I can relate.  I haven't attended a family gathering since I started on this journey. It's so difficult.  You are not alone.  Very sorry about your bfn. . Hang in there.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

A huge thank you to all the ladies that have sent me lovely messages it really helps to know I am not alone. 

Here's the next stage in my thoughts. 
Things people don't tell you about infertility

1. Your friends are useless. These people who are supposed to care and understand me are now like strangers. If I have one more friend compare their miscarriage to my failed IVF or find a silver lining in infertility for me I'll kill them. However I am still the bad guy 
A friend text me yesterday and asked to meet for coffee for half an hour. I am 99% sure she wants to meet to tell me she is pregnant. Now my sister actually googled how to tell an infertile person your pregnant and guess what there's a lot of advice. Number 1 being don't tell them face to face this is the most traumatic awful thing you can do. So my sister e-mailed me before she started trying, then e-mailed me as soon as she found out and then warned me before you tell others etc. Obviously I don't expect everyone to be as amazingly respectful as my sister. However a google to ensure you don't make life really traumatic for me surely isn't too much to ask. Having had the 'sensitive' face to face before I text back the following. 

Sorry were away (which we were). But if you want to meet up to tell me your pregnant then I'd rather you just text or emailed. I don't mean to sound nasty but X told me face to face with the best intentions and it's the most traumatic way to do it. 

Let me put this is context. I know this friend is trying, she hasn't contacted me since August and despite living 10 minutes drive from me she posted my birthday card last month. So far she has ignored me which I presume is her being unhappy with me. 

2. When people tell you they are pregnant they make you do it for them. It always goes I've got something to tell you then a massive pause so I say your pregnant. During this pause they give you this look - I think they see it and tell themselves it is sympathy. However I see what it really is, what they wouldn't even admit to themselves. It is a moment of smugness in which they think thank God this is this way round. Thank God you are you and I am me. 

3. It hurts really bad. After egg collection I was convulsing with pain, couldn't walk for 4 days, couldn't lift my legs on to the bed and couldn't life myself on and off the toilet. From having seen a number of women the day after they gave birth they were in great shape compared to me. 

4. Progesterone makes you constipated - have the dried apricots or something similar to hand. 

5. The week your IVF fails at least one person tells you they are pregnant. Seriously there are 52 weeks a year do you all have a special radar to pick the 3 weeks in 18 months when our IVF has failed?? 

6. It changes you and your life so much. I spend ages staring at old photos of me and my husband - I don't even know those people anymore. Those people who believed that being a good person mattered, made plans for the future and were excited about life. - Somewhere after cycle one those people left us forever. My husband does a better job of connecting to his old self than I do. 

7. It takes your life as well as your dignity. I am 28 childless and as of 01.01.13 jobless. Working as an early years primary school teacher is horrendous when you are going through this. I am passionate about the life chances of children so have purposely chosen to work in socially deprived areas. Surprisingly enough dealing with people who don't care enough about their kids to stop taking / selling drugs, stay out of prison, get out of bed or be in the house with them instead of leaving them alone for a week while they go on holiday has worn a little thin. And those are the parents who have got to keep their children. Don't start me on the parents of children I teach who are in the care system. 

8. There is no happy events. For example as I said in my first rant my baby brother has turned 18. To everyone else happy event and obviously not a child orientated event so no upset in it for me surely. Incorrect - I spent the whole of my life picturing my children. My little brothers 18th is something I always thought I'd attend with 3 children going without them is heartbreaking for me. The Olympics I remember when we won it I was 21 years old and thought amazing I'll take my primary school aged children what an amazing thing for them. 

9. You have more in common and feel closer to strangers you meet on the internet than you do to people you have known your whole life. A met up with a girl I met on here last week. She lives near me, has had treatment where I did, works in the same sector as me and is the same age as me. We have messaged for about 8 months and decided to meet up. It was amazing to have a conversation with someone who just understands and empathizes instead of saying ridiculous things.  

10. Your infertility makes everyone round you have children quicker than they would have. Your situation gives everyone else the fear. I know there are 3 people in my life who are pregnant now who wouldn't be if my husband and I could have children. This in turn makes my life a lot worse. My advice don't tell friends they can't understand what you are going through and will all start trying out of fear as soon as you do. We had to tell ours because one of them saw us at a medical appointment and told all the others we must be pregnant if we were going together. We got a number of text messages saying X saw you at the Dr's anything you want to tell us. Well that wasn't the response they were expecting but on top of everything else I couldn't cope with the constant are you pregnant jokes. 

I would like to say that my friends are normal lovely people that have seen me through  a life time of challeges but this is something that have been unable to offer me any help or support with. I am not sure why people are so awful about infertility. Any suggestions x


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Just wanted to send a hug. I understand your pain.

Xxxx


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## eeyore_blues (Aug 24, 2011)

i can understand some of how you feel, but we are just at the start of our journey so have many hurdles to jump.
i have to admit i had to stop myself from slapping my cousin in the pub once, she had two healthy children, had lost one at 24weeks and had since had a termination she had a new partner and was desperate to have another baby and told me they'd been trying for a couple of months but that she had the cramps to suggest aunt flo wasn't far away. at this point she knew that my husband and i had been trying for some time. yet she still felt the need to tell me that i could never understand what it's like to really want a baby!!! erm hello!!! i mean come on she had gone through three deliveries, one of which resulting in her having to accept she couldn't bring her home so she knew that isn't feeling of love as she got to hold her baby and the pleasure of feeling the baby move and grow inside her. surely as i hadn't experienced it i couldn't really know what i was missing. and as i'm sure you can guess aunt flo never arrived and she now has her three children!
sorry for ranting on your post it just drives me crazy somehow. 
xx
take care and keep positive


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh hunny    

I think it is good you have gotten this all down.  I do acknowledge it doesn't change the situation any, but having done it myself in the past I learnt that it helped me collect and organise my thoughts, and release some of the sadness stored inside, even if only for a short while.  You look back and read it and wonder 'how did I get through?'  

The sadness can be overwhelming and strangle you.  It is horrible living a limbo land, feeling as if there is no purpose, but a next step always comes along.  It has too and that is life, it is just incredibly hard for some.  It is ok to be selfish, for your sanity you have to be sometimes.  It is ok to scream and cry, be angry with the world, god knows I have been.  I'm not ashamed to admit it still comes.  You know how happy I am with my journey and I have grieved for my past, but the pain will always be there somewhere.  I think a lot is from the ignorance of others as you have explained.  You have battled so much with those around you having what you desperately desire.  It is my big fear and so far I have been quite lucky.  Moving away from my closest friends has made it easier when news comes, I don't have to live and breathe babies all day.  Other than in my head.

You have both had such loss and sadness, and to read your dreams being crushed is so heartbreaking.  I understand how the here and now feels worlds apart from who you used to be, I know we have changed so much.

Infertility is a taboo subject.  Media does not help, and when it is covered I often find that IVF is the miracle cure and lo and behold, first cycle and bam, pregnant and all their dreams have come true.  While this is a realistic possibility it does not always happen, what about people who try and try and try.  Where is that in TV land?  Also sex education spends so much time explaining the dynamics of pregnancy and how to avoid, it never crosses a young mind that it does not always work this way.  Hence where the ignorance comes from.  I'm not criticising really, I used to be that person, took the pill for 5 years and morning after pill twice - as if!!  I remember being late twice and pleading with the world to make the test negative.  Of course it was, it was the start of my PCOS coming to light.  How sad and stupid, and innocent I suppose.  Have sex, get pregnant.  For so many though that is the reality.  And that is why they will sadly, never understand.

xxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks lovely I think you are right people just don't have any clue. I guess what bothers me is people make me feel like it is something to be ashamed of in some way like having a criminal record or drink driving charge. Just figured having a place to vent would help me and it is. We'll have to get together soon. I am hoping DH is ready to move on now. After this time he sat down started crying and just said I don't know if I can do it again. It's the first time he's ever said anything like that so we shall see. Hope the world is wonderful with you lots of love x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

That is a big step hun, and while I don't wish this pain on him, I think maybe he is starting to understand the situation a little better.  It is no emotion that is the concern, so small steps, lots of talking and each day as it comes for a while.  I wish it was easy, I wish it was clear cut, but none of this is.  We have to keep taking steps, life goes on even when it stands still in our bubbles.  But you will get there, we all will in our own way x x x x x


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## Seraphim (Nov 11, 2012)

Wow,just spent time reading through your original post and others following with that omg thats me!feeling.

Its a relief,and although the whole story doesn't mirror exactly everything about my own,how things make you feel does.

Its almost like reading permission to feel how i feel,seeing someone else feeling it also and writing it down.

I'm here right now,today feeling I'm on the verge of walking away from it not knowing what that means for me,my partner,our lives,future or anything else.
But just finding Ive reached the end of my tether with the whole thing.

Id always believed it could be a problem for us to have kids.,confirmed with sperm analysis and i know that means the whole ICSI thing or donors.

The whole experience for me just arriving at this point of the games up,its not going to be natural,its all about impersonal procedures and statistics about live births and such...i want to deal with it,but I'm not.What i am doing is simply clinging on by my fingernails trying to survive hoping it will all come good in the end.

But realising it wont.because for it to come good in the end it would have to be a non intrusive non invasive simple loving thing between us and it isn't.maybe some couples can eek out intimacy between the test results and analysis and the whole thing of making a baby becoming a medical "problem" which is about procedures and persistence...

It has already ruined what I wanted and needed it to be and Ive not technically begun assisted trying.

So if i get pregnant someway some how from sone procedure or another,does the end justify the means and a baby in my arms will make the damage and emotional exhaustion all worth it?

I'm not so sure.

That doesn't mean i accept or am OK with the idea of never having a baby with my partner.I'm not.it just means without wanting to stop,i involuntarily my mind isn't going to accept it.Like reaching a line in the sand you cant cross and knowing this fertility treatment if not right now,at some stage in the process,is going to become another obstacle to have to deal with and find a way of tackling and Ive got no tackling left in me.

It felt liberating at first,now i have this sense of something bad is coming one way or the other.and all the questins it will throw up.am i giving up being pregnant ever,am i giving up the rocess of being pregnant with my partner which is different.

am i going to spend the rest of my life avoiding his family( i don't really have relatives I'm close to at all),living with something thats made me so raw inside i cannot tolerate being around his nieces/nephews and how it cuts like a knife seeing him with one of them playing knowing it can never ever be our baby.am i going to wind up living without the weight of fertility treatments but forever live with that rawness inside that means its still controls my life?

It feels like i inadvertently walked into a nightmare that i cant get free from.Like I was tricked.Lured into this thing i cant escape from with simple dreams and hopes only to find its ripped my whole life apart taken over things and isn't ever going to leave me alone.

Or will it dissapear if i get pregnant,do i have to choose between my partner or ridding myself of the baggage thats come with infertility.

the idea that until i die I'm going to be isolated from his family because i simply cannot bare to be around the babies/kids and seeing him with them too.i just have a desperate need to rid the whole thing from my heart and mind.purge myself from it all in a way and the idea I'm going to be like this forever is exhausting in itself.

wanting to be a mum isn't osmehting you can replace with a hobby.

It ,to me feels like a trap and one that forces people into treatments because like it or not your choice is do that or live with how bad it feels being unable to have kids together.

I guess i just expected it to be a fair choice,where one of them offered some simplicity and happiness and freedom and it really doesn't feel like it is from where I am standing here and now.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Seraphin I understand everything you say. For me the reality is a life of isolation I am one of 6 my oldest sibling is 33 and the youngest is 18 so in reality nieces and nephews will overlap with great nieces and nephews for me. It's not just not having children it's grandchildren. People think it is easier for us when the baby stage is over. It won't the baby stage won't end for me. Straight from kids to grandkids. My Mum is one of 5 and if we mirror them there will never be longer than a 3 year period without a birth.  

Would you consider adoption?? I really would but what I struggle with is the wait. Waiting 6 to 12 months would be just about copeable if the world stood still. However I already know of 5 babies in my immediate family and friends for 2013 and it's only going to go up. 

Today I went back to work after ten days off. I had two days off for FET then went back in to get sent home - there was an outbreak of slapped cheek which causes miscarriage so I was sent home. The Dr signed me off for a week while awaiting blood tests to see if I am immune. I came on my period so took the remainder of the week to get myself in a better place. Work was fine (only 4 weeks left) I just hate lying to people but it's so much easier if they don't know. Found out another set of parents are under scrutiny and it just breaks my heart. Why do these people get to have children and we don't? 

People tell you that things are meant to be. Well I disagree this isn't making me a better person or leading to something wonderful. I pray to God that I will have the family I crave through IVF or adoption one day however the scars and pain of this journey will have jaded that not made it better. The strain it has put on our marriage will be something we will have to deal with forever. This will never be looked back on as a good thing it will be a hideous scar on the landscape of our lives. If we adopt I will be eternally grateful for those children and that those are the children we have. But I will never be grateful that we lived through the last 4 years and lord knows how many more to come. 

I won't be glad that for the rest of my life I have been changed so completely that I have to really think how to have a normal conversation with those round me. I already know that I will now be the kind of psycho parent that doesn't want their child to pay hockey because 2 children a year world wide die through being hit my a hockey Puck. Instead of being the relaxed cautious risk taker I would have be in other circumstances. 

I obviously will let my (fingers crossed) IVF or adopted children live a full life however I will be a nervous wreck while they do it. This isn't me it's not who I am but it is who this has made me. I hate the fact that this defines me. I was so determined it wouldn't but as time passes you can't help it. As more and more people who started trying years after you have their children it just breaks you. The people who had children when we started trying - those children are starting school now. It's crazy.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I am like that with my cat   He is a cat, an animal, but no, he is my baby.  He is the baby we got when my body wouldn't give us one   I am almost neurotic and worry about him constantly.  When he went missing for three days both me and DF cried all our tears.  It is not healthy, I recognise that, but without him I have nothing right now to love and nurture like I would have done for the child we never had.  there is a massive void and consequently people thing i'm crazy


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Nah its normal for us. We make every decision round the puppy. I think we like having something to fill that void something we are tied and committed to together. Honestly we consider our dog more than most people I come across consider their children. However today he has jumped on the sofa and ripped up the paper I wrote all the adoption agencies numbers on. I think he's telling us he doesn't want any brothers or sisters lol x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Awww, he doesn't want to share mummy and daddy    But he will make a fab big brother   xxx


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

We got our dog after our first failed cycle. He is now a very mental , big lab, but he us my baby. He has helped me through some very dark days. I worry about him all of the time, and as soon as he goes out if sight, I panic. I know it's not healthy, but he is my baby. Xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Today I am mostly pondering when I stopped functioning like I used to. 
I used to be one of those people who could do ten things at once and never drop a juggling ball. Now I struggle to remember things that must be done and feel like I am always behind. This is one of the many reasons I handed my notice in at work. I just can't get everything I am asked for done without working constantly which I don't want to do. 

It's like half my brain is somewhere else constantly not sure where as it doesn't bring me any useful thoughts back just stops me doing the things I should be. I miss constantly moving at 100 miles an hour and constantly feeling like I have got things sorted. My husband said I should write things down but if I write everything down I feel so overwhelmed by the volume of things I have to do that I get upset (crazy I know.) 

Saw the little woods Christmas advert today it says that everyones Christmas dreams can come true for a small monthly charge. Do you reckon they have any children for sale to make my Christmas wishes come true??  

Hope the world is well out there. Not a lot of thoughts today just tired. Being back after a few days off really takes it out of you x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Had to start decorating for Christmas at work tonight. The next 3 weeks will be Christmas crazy nativity, parties, dinners, carol concerts. I always loved Christmas it was my favourite tim of year now it's the hardest. This will be our fourth childless Christmas I wonder does it ever get easier? - Adivce appretiated. Th first year hadn't been that long and we made an effort to enjoy what was supposed to be our last childless Christmas. Second we spent withmy husbands family instead of mine. My sisters first child was a week old and it was too hard to be there. Grief aside I felt robbed of the first Grandhild and still do if I'm being honest with myself. Third we booked a holiday we had an official diagnosis by then and the thought of being with either side was too awful. However we ened up back home due to my husbands father being hospitalised. 

Christmas 4 - We'll have the same rituals my husband will promise me this will be my last childless  Christmas as he always does. I guess the difference this year is we both know that won't be true. The last 3 we at least had some hope - it would happen soon or we'd start IVF in the new year and hopefully that would end this. I don't know maybe this year we won't be able to make promises we know we'll have to break again. 

My sister emigrated over a year ago and I haven't seen her since. She is coming home for Christmas and I was so excitied to see her I miss her everyday. But she is coming 5 months pregnant with her second child and to be honest I don't really want to see her despite how much I miss her. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to carry on for everyone elses sake. This was meant to finally be my Christmas - if first IVF worked I would be a brand new Mummy now so excited. If the second had worked I would be about 22 weeks pregnant a Christmas. If the FET transfer worked  would have been 10 weeks and excitied to tell people in the new year. Christmas number 4 was never meant to happen now all I can think about i number 5 and how many we may have to face beyond that. My solution this year I'm hosting Christmas for both families - we are at 18 for dinner and still counting. Figured at least that way I can hide in the kitchen and not talk to anyone. 

The thing that scares me most about adoption is that then you have played every hand.  We tried to have a child by concievig naturally and nature said no. We tried to have a child by IVF and medicine said no. What if adoption says no aswell. That is every han played I never realised before that playing your last hand is so scary. This fear makes me consider treatment again - I don't want to do more treatment but when that fails I can tell myself that  I will adopt and I will be a Mummy to beautiful children and I will love them more than anyone has ever loved a child. What if adoption says no what do I tell myself then? Taking the last throw of the dice is truely terrifying no one ever tells you that. By the last throw of the dice I don't mean it is a lesser option it's just that there are no others. 

The cruel irony is I always wanted to adopt. I remember discussing the future with my friends at University ten years ago. Did we want children. I said I wanted children in my twenties - I remember the others saying if you get to 26/27 without a child it would be a miracle.  Well here I am at 28wo knew miracles didn't have to be good   I said I'd like to have my own and adopt. I said that it seemed wrong to have children when so many children need a home so I wanted to do both. I also said biology wasn't a big thing to me so I didn't crave children to be biologically mine. All this is still true but I do crave a child. 

Part of me wonders if I always knew this is where I would be. I hae pictured having a family my whole life. However I have never once pictured or day dreamed myself pregnant or with a new born. It has always been with a toddler or older children.  In a weird way this is part of why I have always felt ICSI wouldn't work for us. Well we have booked to attend two adoption open evenings. One on Wednesday and one a week on Monday. Hope this will bring the reassurance we need to help us move on x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello lovely  

Christmas childless is a very difficult time and place to be, and given the horrendous year you have had you should be very proud that you are still standing and putting practical plans into place.  It is always better with a plan isn't it?  But cooking for 18    Good on you!!   I admire you so much  

I understand what you are saying about adoption.  It is scary, as while it is not a second best option, it realistically is our last chance to have a family, and so, like you, I share that fear.  I think that after all the heartache the negative thoughts are natural.  you know I am also unnecessarily panicking, but equally I am sure that this is normal and part of a well establish defence mechanism.  You are making a very positive decision by attending some information evenings.  After that you are still able to have an informal initial interview to gather more personalised information, which, again as you know, helped me to put some very helpful things in place before embarking on our journey.  It is super scary, but in order to move forward sometimes we have to be brave.  My god, you already have been so brave, look at all you have done recently.  You know I will support you whatever path you decide to take.  At times it seems almost impossible to see a way forward, but you will find it.  Something will click for you both and then there will be no stopping you.

You know where I am x x x x x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Gwyneth27, I have just read your diary for the first time, you have written soe very moving and emotional posts and I think like myself alot of women on here will relate to how you are feeling. 
I have just started a diary in the ttc naturally section as I wasn't sure where to put my thoughts either. i didn't feel like I fitted in anywhere.
Like you I have been through 3x icsi's and I ahve had 2 natural bfp's and had 3 miscarriages in total. I am back at ttc naturally with the risk of another miscarriage. We have been trying for our dream family for 6years so have also gone through lots of pregnancy/birth announcements and yrs of childless christmas' 
We are also at the point of considering adoption. We havn't made any deffinate decisions but we will probably ttc along side other investigations for recurrent miscarriage for the next 12mths and then make a decision about adoption. I also have that awful fear that we will get rejected for adoption too. I know of at least 4 reasons why we may not get accepted so therefore don't want to put myself int hat position of knockback just yet.
Good luck with your decisions about adoption.
Take care


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Shining Star I have read your diary and can associate a lot with how you feel. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. 
Today I am tired and feeling poorly again. I have been ill on and off for about 7 weeks and it is doing my head in. It's just a cold that won't shift. It just moves from head, to nose, to throat and then back again  . I must be the only person who isn't thrilled that the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge are pregnant. It's nothing personal they seem lovely people but it just means that babies are going to be everywhere and constantly in my face  . 

Anyway back to me - well I went to make Christmas cakes and puddings this weekend. I enjoy cooking and it was good to escape a bit in a task for a morning. However my mistake arose when I left the house. My Mum was helping at a Christmas fair and I went to see her. I bumped into a really good friend from my childhood. She is lovely and one of the many wonderful people I have lost touch with in the last 4 years. I just clam up she must have thought I was being a total cow. When she asked about my life I just clam up and don't know what to say. I just feel so awkward - what are you meant to say to anyone who asks how your life is going?? Then an old friend of my sisters walked in with her 4 week old baby. I made an excuse and left then. It makes me so grateful I don't live where I have grown up at least where I live I don't know people to bump into them  . 

Week of changes this week they are interviewing for my replacement on Wednesday so a letter will go out to all parents saying I'm leaving by the end of the week. Not sure what I'm going to say to people when they all ask why I'm going. I know they have no right to ask me but they will and I have to say something?? Any ideas greatly appreciated. Hope the world is sunny where you are x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Just found out when my sisters due and it is exactly when I would have been due if the second round of ICSI had worked. Does the world actually hate me? This is a child I have no choice about whether I have it in my life. Seriously when Will I get left alone for 5 minutes x


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## rachel petch (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi did nt wanna read and run girls, good grief, such emotional heart wrenching posts, I, like, alot of you are feeling the same, it been nearly 3 months since my last ivf and 4 th official test date!, I have good and bad times, I'm in a bit of a hole at the minute. A big dark one!!! I feel so utterly useless, and I can't seem to talk with hubby, as he seems to think, that's it, we ve done our last attempt........ Now just get on with things!!!...... I wish it was that easy for me. I'm bursting into tears for absolutely no reason, and just feel tired and worn out, having not been that busy! I just wanted to share my experience see my sig, it's all there xxx


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## louisenburton (Nov 21, 2012)

ive only read a wee bit of this but relate already - also im at work so should get back to it 

but shall def read again as soon as i get home


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## becky70 (Dec 28, 2009)

Re your dilemma about what to tell parents - I've been through this although slightly different circumstances as I was bullied out of my post. You're under no obligation to be honest with them - they're not entitled to know your personal life. I don't normally advocate lying but in your case I'd make something up e.g. you just fancied a break from teaching. 
Are you done with teaching for good? I kept my hand in by doing supply - don't know if you'd consider this. I've actually returned to teaching full time but treatment never worked for me and I'm too old now.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks I think I Will tell them I'm having a break from teaching. Just don't want people  to take it as a reflection on their children. I am so sorry your employers were so nasty to you. Hope you enjoy where you are now x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

well I went to the first of my two adoption open evenings last night. It was really positive and put any fears I have to bed. I really think it is the right route for me just need to get hubby on side  . We listened to a presentation and then had a chat with the head of the adoption service. He seemed really nice and positive he said he is more than happy with a 6 month wait post treatment. 
Got to go and cook tea hubby's struggling be back


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

He said that he is always willing to work round issues and doesn't like to let little things delay or prevent adoption. Just scared to feel positive I guess so much let down and pain so far I just get scared to believe in something. 

He said he was willing to allocate us a social worker for an initial interview in the new year and then they have a prep course in June which would take us past the six months. The only part I'm struggling with is the fact that I need to accept 2013 won't be the year I finally become a Mummy either. I thought 2010, 2011, 2012 would mean 2013 would be our year. To be honest the thought of 2013 being our year is the only thing that has got me through 2012. 

Other issue is DH. He says he needs to get his head round everything


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Sorry had to sort dinner again. 

I'll be honest I don't get what he means. He said well I always thought I'd have biological children and I've got to get my head round it. . 
I asked him if he wants to do more treatment he said no. I asked if he wants to live childless he said no. So I said having know for a long time now / had failed treatments how is this a shock / something to get your head round?? 
We have been discussing adoption for over 12 months on and off it isn't a bolt out the blue. However I'm telling myself the 6 months will be enough and he will be on the same page as me. I guess it's hard because I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in 4 years and he told me he's not in a place to feel excited about adoption yet. 

I guess that hurt because this is how we can have a family together and to me that is the only thing I want and exciting. I want and need someone to be excited about raising a family with me. I really hope he will get there. He did point out to me that he was the only partner that had attended all the other women had come alone so I know that this shows a level of commitment that I need to be reassured by.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh hunny, this sounds very positive.  As you know, DF was EXACTLY the same!  To some extent he still is, he sometimes struggles to be excited as I honestly don't think his mind works that way.  When it is real and concrete he will be over the moon.  Until that point we are still chasing the dream.  I don't mean this post to be about me, it isn't, but it is about the situation and knowing how you feel.  You want to be excited but you are holding back a little to self protect and not get carried away as DH is still taking little steps.  But all the signs are that he will catch up with you.  Mine did.  I wanted it so bad I pushed for it all and it wasn't right.  It is so massive we needed to be united as a couple.  As you know we had a break over the summer and this time is when DF did a lot of thinking and I feel, properly grieved for the loss of a birth child.  I had been through that, as like you, I always knew this path was our destiny.  

But lets look at the positives here.... DH came with you, like he said, that is a big big plus compared to some of the other ladies.  He is also moving closer and sounds as if he is coming to terms with the idea.  You never thought FET would work.  I expect on some level he did, so he is grieving all over again and it is all a bit raw.  Our blokes sound similar, I am sure my DF would be more than happy to meet with you guys and have a 'man chat' if it would help to have an insider male perspective.  Men and women are very different anyways, plus we have the knowledge from our work, we know the kids, the needs, the awful stories.  they don't.  they know what we tell them.  I was actually sat at prep and thought a few times that if I didn't know what I knew then all this information would have been pretty scary.  It may be overwhelming for him?  I know there are many horror stories out there - makes me very angry!

The bloke you spoke with sounded great, and working around issues is what they are there to do.  It is promising Hun, and another info session next week to look forward too.  I see what you are saying, 2013 may not be your year, but 2014 definitely would.  So much to think about.  you have to go with your heart.  take Christmas, take a clear mind, take lots of time and talks and hugs and soul searching.  You will find your answer.  And again, please shout if you need a friend


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks sweetie, 

Glad your next session went so well. 
Well they appointed for my job on Wednesday and I told my class I was leaving yesterday. It was awful about 50% of them sobbed uncontrollably. A parent phoned the school when they got home telling me her child is unconsolable and grilling me about why I was going. It just made me feel really guilty for letting the children down. To be honest I didn't really expect it I thought they wouldn't be that bothered 5 and 6 year olds aren't really phased by anything. Anyway them all crying made me cry which made them cry more so it was all a bit messy by the time I sent them home. 

I still know that I have made the right decision but it's just made leaving a lot harder than I thought it would be. Also think the fact I haven't found a different job is stressing me out. Could really do with knowing I've got something to do 5 days a week don't fancy being sat at home  . 

Feel a bit weird today. My sister e-mailed me with a article she had found about grief and IVF saying that if I felt it represented how I felt she would e-mail it to the family. It made me open up about some of the isolation with IVF. It had a point that said basically people change so much they don't feel the same anymore and people round them need to take time to get to know the new them. Otherwise you are just expecting them to be someone they aren't anymore which is upsetting for them. 

I was honest and said this is something I really feel. I find time with them strange because I don't feel like the person they grew up with anymore so when we are sat there I feel like they are 5 siblings and I am someone who shouldn't be there.  I don't know why but to me I feel like an only child with my Mum and Dad - they still feel like my parents but the family unit doesn't feel like my family unit. I just feel they don't know me any more and I don't know them. It is a two way street I need to get to know them again too. I guess I hadn't really admitted to myself that I felt this way till now. 

Took the dog out for a long walk this morning. It was -2 a 8 am this morning and it was nice to be out in the fresh crisp air. I like the ground when it is frozen. There is something really satisfying about the crunch of the ground under my feet. Hope everyone has a good weekend.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Went to our second adoption evening last night which was interesting. Me preferred the first agency they were more positive, professional and interested in you. The talk was only 20 minutes instead of an hour and a half like last time. Just made us sure that the other agency are the right choice for us so it was definitely worth doing. 

I get a bit scared to say that I am so scared that my husband will change his mind and back out on me. He says not but it's early days. We were discussing ages and single vs sibling group a bit on the way home which was interesting. At this point we have quite different views about what would be best. Hopefully these will overlap in time. The new teacher came into my class today which was nice for the kids - although one did cry saying she didn't want a new teacher (I managed to scuttle her into the toilets so don't think the new teacher noticed  .) It's all just nativity crazy right now. I just keep thinking will I ever watch a nativity instead of direct one  ? 

Christmas is a funny time of year watching so many happy and excited people round you. It's a bit like on  a film when the character stands still and everything blurs past them. That's how I feel a bit at the moment. I'm just hoping that the start of next year doesn't drag too much   so we can start moving forward. I've never spent my life wishing time away like I do now. I've spent years praying for more time now all I want it for time to pass. If I could sleep through the next 6 months I would. It would be nice wouldn't it just go to sleep for a year or so and someone could battle through everything for me for a while give me a brake and wake me up when the world is being better to me. Does anyone else every feel like that?


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## mfmcmoo (Jul 16, 2010)

Gwyneth27 - just a quick one and sorry to just drop in like this. I wanted to check if you had looked into supplements for your husband, which may help with the morphology issue. Also, on your side, maybe look into some supplements to prep your body.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=294994.0
Cheers


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you my Mum is really into alturnative medicine and purchased us all the suplements when we found out. x x x 

On a differnet note. The adoption agency we liked are coming out to see us for a screening interview in January, they called my husband today. Very busy so must dash will update properly at the end of the week x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Fab news hunny!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So much going on well last week I got a job and start on 8th Jan so that was good news. It's a short term contract but it will give me time to think about what to do next and whether to have a complete change of sector or just move away from teaching. 

Well Christmas came and it went and we survived it. Christmas number 4 childless. Just wonder how many more there is to endure. I'm already thinking about and dreading next year. Hosted Xmas for 18 and boxing day for 23 so enjoying having the house just me and the dog today. 

Not sure where my head is at now hosting was definitely the lesser of a number of evils as I just focused on everything that needed doing and managed to stay away from most of the excitement. My pregnant sister was back in the country with her 2 year old. They left when he was 9 months and he hasn't seen us since. It really made me think about how hard adoption must be for children. He is a securely attached child who has never known a moments hurt or pain in his life but coming into a house full of strangers (well his family but we are strangers to him,) has been really hard for him. He has been moody, whiny, unaffectionate and demanding constantly. I don't really want to hug him very much because I feel it may upset him. If this is how how he feels how hard must it be for an adopted child. They will have every feeling he has plus they won't have the secure safe start point he has and they have their own issues to deal with as well.  

I just felt sorry for him really because he doesn't understand why all these weird people are lavishing him with love. It also made me sad that I know if / when I have a family that same fuss won't be there. All my childhood I always did things second or third and no-one really cares. I feel guilty that my future children don't get to be the first niece, nephew or grandchild. I really wanted that fuss for them I wanted them to feel special there whole lives like I never did. I guess I feel like I've failed as a mother already because I can't give them the childhood I dreamed of for them. My husband says it doesn't matter because they'll be so special to us but I guess it's just another thing that has been taken away from me and them by this whole process. 

In 2008 /9 we had a lot of financial issues with the recession in 2010 we got married and this all started for real, 2011 was the year we found out we couldn't have children naturally. Someone asked me on new years day what I wanted from 2012 and I said just that it is less awful than 2011. I didn't ask for good or even moderate just less awful than 2011. 2012 within 8 weeks my father in law and Grandfather had both died. That was followed by 3 failed IVF's. From February I've just been praying for 2013 because I realised nothing good was going to come in 2012. I've clung to the belief that 2013 is our year for the last 10 months. So I guess 2013 does bring positives my husband has said he no longer wants to pursue treatment which is a big relief to me but because we did FET in November we can't start formally with adoption till June. Which if everything runs smooth means panel in January 2014. This is what I want to do but it means another year, another Christmas and new year without a family while everyone else has theirs. 

I'm excited for the SW's visit in 2 and a bit weeks time but I'm just gutted that it's going to take so long and we are going to have to face Xmas number 5 childless  . How does everyone else cope? Especially when our infertility is making everyone else decide to have their children  . 

Hope everyone has survived Christmas and Boxing day reasonably unscathed. Just new year to get through now. Even peoples Christmas cards annoy me have a happy 2013. I know they write it without thinking but they know that 2013 isn't going to bring happiness for me so why write it It just feels like another way of saying we have what you want our 2013 is going to be really happy shame about yours. 

This post probably sounds really down and I'm not to be honest I feel lot better than I have in a long time. I just feel angry and let down. Having some time out has made me think about my friends and how rubbish they have been through everything I have had to deal with. I feel like I want to confront them and talk to them about it in some way. Not to have a go at them but to clear the air because I am so hurt and let down that I just don't want to see them because I can't be normal with them. However they don't know that there is an issue so how do you broach that? 
Or am I best of ignoring it? 
Do I just continue not to contact them and loose touch? 
Any advice greatly appreciated please.


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Gwyneth, Just popped by to see where you are up to and how you are doing. So pleased that DH is more on the same page with adoption. That's great news! I understand how you feel about still having to wait another year. I feel the same and I'm not as far along in the thought process as you yet.

Someone I know sent a letter to her family members stating how the infertility Journey had changed her, she told them how she felt and tried to explain how she feels about the whole process, how it's changed her as a person and what to expect from her. I think it would be much easier to write things down and perhaps either send it in a letter or email to your friends, be as open as you feel necessary. Tell them how you are feeling and how you want them to be with you. Alot of people don't understand these things unless it happens to themselves. They can only "imagine" and that is not the same as living it so we have to educate them on how we feel and how we want to be treated.

I have lost touch with alot of my friends because they don't say the right things and I feel they don't understand, they all have kids so therefore have things in common with each other, I don't have kids and so therefore cannot relate to potty training or breast feeding. You make a new circle of friends who have infertility in common and you kind of grow out of your old friends but I think it might be beneficial to send a letter/email to the ones you feel close enough to stay in touch with.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks hun good advice think I would find that better than face to face. I guess you're right I have to think who is really worth holding on to. Hope you've survived Christmas ok it's good to hear from you again x


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi there, just read through your diary. Regarding the friends issue, a counsellor helped me see that it's just a fact of life that some people will be better than others at understanding and helping. Unfortunately it's just not realistic to expect lots from people as humans by nature can be selfish etc. Counselling definitely helped me view things differently so I don't always feel as bitter and unable to cope; have you ever considered going back to it? think it also puts you in a healthier frame of mind during treatment, and hopefully better able to cope when you do become a parent


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Irishflower I have explored it a length in councilling and I do fully know that people are selfish etc. I don't ask for a lot from my friends and never have I have never bought into this central perk notion that friends are the be all and end all. However a text message over the Christmas period just to say hope you are coping ok isn't really a lot to ask  . I guess what I was asking people is given that friends are basically people you have joint experiences with through life e.g. doing the same things at the same time is it worth maintaining long standing friendships or do I focus on the new friendships I have made with people who are going through the same experiences as me? I just don't want to regret loosing contact with people in the future however right here right now I don't really want to see people. (and haven't wanted to for a while so there is a limit to how long you can class people friends while not contacting them.) 
But thank you for your support. 


Well in the end we decided to go out for a couple of hours last night and I'm a bit cross with myself. I have long hardened myself to the " When are you two going to have children?" question and have perfected my smile and fob off. However I had a new one last night. I saw a girl who used to date a friend of my husbands when we first got together. We used to see them every weekend on nights out but haven't seen her for a few years now. She was really nice and was asking about the new house and how we both were etc. Then she said " You two have a little one now don't you how is it?" - It absolutely floored me as a comment I just started stuttering and didn't know what to say. She obviously felt really awkward and said "oh sorry god why would you. Who'd want children horrible things". To fill the awkward silence while I tried to compose myself. I just can't believe an innocent comment upset me so much I should be stronger than that by now. From her view point why wouldn't we have children all our friends do and we have been together and married by far the longest  . 

I just never really recovered after that a good friend of my husbands asked me what was wrong (he knows everything,) so I told him and he was sweet and said he was sorry people say such stupid things and he's always thought she was an idiot  . 

I am now on mission get the house beautiful for the SW visiting and get fit to run a half marathon in April. One other thing (I may post this in adoption board). My husband has been putting off telling his Mum about adoption because he thinks she will react very badly and wanted to get Christmas over before telling me. This is also upsetting me a little. No one would be upset if their child got pregnant why should we have to feel like this and have this worry put on us on our journey to be a family Have we not dealt with enough already? 

Has anyone else know someone who has very negative views and managed to turn them around?

Here's to 2013      the year I start to get closer to my dreams x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hey my lovely  

I'm sorry that you got caught off guard like that.  I think that it is always worse when it is so unexpected.  At least she seemed to be embarrassed for her assumption, although the come back was not the best   How lovely that DHs friend was able to offer some kind words, gotta give credit to the men on this occasion  

I have seen your post on the adoption section regarding MIL.  I'm sure you will have some good advice as i'm sure that this is not uncommon.  It is sad that this stigma is still very much attached to adoption though.  It floors me that people can be so cold towards it.  Does that mean that they would rather live childless if they were in that position?  Would they rather see their loved ones sad always?  Would they rather all the lovely children waiting for mummies and daddies are left doing just that, waiting?  I think some training is a fab idea, although am unaware of anything currently available, I am sure there must be.  Also I bet there are some good books, or even blogs that you could look into.   Wish it wasn't like this for you   Maybe her views have changed now you have tried IVF without success, hopefully she will be a bit more understanding and realistic.  Good luck  

As for the friends issue, well, you know I understand!!  I think often they are embarrassed.  I know my dearest friend just doesn't know what to say for the best and is so scared of upsetting me that she just says nothing.  And it hurts like hell!  I was speaking with her about adoption yesterday and she just kept pushing wedding talk.  I kept throwing it into the conversation in the most positive 'this is a good thing' way and in the end she started getting a bit excited for us    But pulling teeth comes to mind!  Then my brothers fiancee started asking about our wedding plans, so I went off on an 'adoption comes first, we can't do both, SWs govern us to a certain extent and wouldn't approve of added stress, our child will need to be settled first, we want the AO to have gone through so when we marry we will all have the same name'  blah blah BLAH tangent!!!!!  Well, it certainly shut her up!!  I know everyone means well (usually) and I also understand that people can't know having not walking in our shoes, but it still annoys me!!!  

It is sad, but sometimes a natural progression that as experiences change friends can drift a little.  When you have your LO you will form new groups, especially with fellow adopters due to the different way our babies will be parented.  And you will then know that the people that stick by you from the 'olden days' are your true friends. 

Yay for your impending visit, you will be shattered after i'm sure, but hope that you will both come away with good feelings for your next steps.  2012 was shocking, 2013 will not only be better, it will start putting that smile back on your face  

Big hugs to you both!! xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks beautiful you always cheer me up.   My Mum is coming over tomorrow to help paint the kitchen and last bedroom   not sure we'll get it all done but we'll make a good start.  

12 days till the visit feel a bit nervous and worried what if they don't like us? Just keep thinking about all the things they could object to. Then I get cross with myself for being negative and try to channel some positive vibes. 

Also in a weird work place I am now technically unemployed for the next 6 days. Not quite switched off yet I keep feeling guilty about not doing any work then I remember I don't have any to do. Then I feel so relieved that I can just have some time to myself. Right now I am curled up with my lovely doggy watching crap TV on E4. Hope others are surviving the return to work today.


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Gwyneth, I think lolly hit the nail on the head when she said about friends saying nothing cos they don't know what to say. It's so true. I have a few friends from my old work place. One of them was my bridesmaid. I found out she was pregnant,a mutual friend told me, so I txt her to congratulate her, we text a few times during her pregnancy and I knew when the baby was due, it got about 2month past her due date and I hadn't heard so I txt her and she said she had had the baby weeks and weeks ago. I felt hurt that she didn't let me know, her response was she didn't want to share her good news incase I was having a bad day??! Which I get,it is hard for some people, not knowing what to say but did she not think to perhaps ring or text to ask how I was then she could perhaps tell me she had her baby when she knew I was ok?? Maybe thats just too difficult?? I think I expect too much from people. I know what I would do and I expect the same but alot of people don't stop for one second to think about others. It's a shame!!
With regards to your old friends, some of them will stick around and others will fade away in to the distance, only time will tell who will go which way. You will become closer to your new friends regardless and the others will just be distant friends who you hardly chat to or meet up with. I used to text and get in touch with alot of friends and some of them don't bother to reply or ask how I am so they are the ones that will fade away.
I have distanced myself from a lot of people just simply because I can tell they are not interested because they don't seem to be able to have a conversation as we don't have children in common. I am sure you will find out who is worth keeping in touch with. It's sad really but what's the point in continuing to persue friendships when it's one sided.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you Shining Star you are such a kind and compassionate person. I guess like you I always try my best to support others and I know if the tables had been turned I would have done all I could for a friend on mine. I know some people can not discuss anything without making it about their pregnancy/ labor / children / lack of sleep. 

On a positive note I met a friend I used to work with today who asked me about adoption open days. She had been talking to our mutual friend who also worked with us. She told me how excited they were and that they were talking on the phone the other day about how brilliant it will be to take my kids to the park across the road and go on the swings and slide with them  . It was really nice to have a moment of normality where someone was just excited to meet my future bambinos. Had to get myself in check though so much that can go wrong before that point  . It's funny isn't it because they are both quite new friends (met about 2 years ago) but we are always there for each other. 

We all taught together at a school in a really deprived area and dealt with a lot of children that were in or being taken into care so they will be excellent support.  .


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Morning me dear!!

Don't you dare feel weird about being 'unemployed', you are not unemployed, you are simply waiting for the start of your new role - a few days relaxing is just what you need!

That is lovely regarding your friends, what a brilliant support for you, and they seem very understanding too (which is just what we all need!)  

As for the negative thoughts... well, I'm not going to preach to you as you know I am sometimes still guilty myself.  BUT I think it is simply a support mechanism we have trained within ourselves to deal with the disappointment that we have become used to.  This is different, and while still worrying (as that is natural when you want something so so bad) there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It is no longer 'what if' but 'when?'    

Shining Star, that must have been very sad for your friend to exclude you like that.  I am sure that she was trying to protect you in a strange way, but it must have hurt a lot    They don't/can't understand.  Bless our SW yesterday, she was trying to understand, but could tell even she struggled with some aspects, and when she started asking what HSG, ICSI, some of the meds names meant I knew she had not gone through similar.

Anyway, off to work.  Its a dark, wet morning, AGAIN    But at least it's Friday!  Oh, and a week Monday until your visit     

Much love as always, Lolly xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hey my lovely!  

So i'm hoping that you have had a fab first day in your new role, everyone is lovely, and Monday comes around quickly!  Exciting few days   Keep us posted


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi Hun, 

First couple of days have gone well everyone seems very nice. Just looking forward to getting stuck in really I hate the first few days of introductions and stuff. I just like to be part of the furniture and settled in so I'll feel more confident in a few weeks when I know what I am doing. Hope all is well with you going to spend the rest of the week obsessing about the house I think. Speak soon x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm officially exhausted!! My head is banging but I think it went ok. The social worker was nice and told us not to be nervous. She was here for over an hour and a half. Didn't feel too intrusive I thought she'd ask more. Just discussed our reasons for adopting, brief overview of treatment, families, house and how we met / how long we have been together. 

So now it's just a waiting game to see if we are invited to go on the training course in June. She said they have to discuss it as a group (standard procedure) and then let us know. She said she would call us ASAP and let us know definitely by the end of the week    . 

Woke up at 4 am this morning thinking about all the things she might not like so I am ready for my bed. DH has just gone to get us a chippy too tired to cook. Lolly you'll be glad to know you got a mention as part of our support network  . Hope the world is good with everyone. Signing off to an evening of doing nothing. So glad I don't teach anymore and don't have a pile of books waiting to be marked


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

And you were in mine too hun (SW v impressed with my 'adoption buddy'  )

Yaaaay, great stuff!  If it hadn't gone well you would know about it so it's looking good   Really pleased to hear they are not leaving you waiting too long because although it'll be a big fat yes, it is still nerve wracking being in limbo land so to speak.

Can't wait for the next installment (and tea on Saturday for the face to face version  ) xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

They rang this morning and we have been accepted for the June prep course x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Amazing news!! And so soon! Knew they would love you, happy happy!! XxX


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks babe we'll be able to chat in detail on Saturday x x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Gwyneth, fab news about the initial visit and date for prep. So happy for you and I think it's fab that you abnd lolly have each other for support. I'm guessing you two live close to each other?
Have you got lots of things to keep you busy until june?


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