# Donor thread: Regrets?



## GlobalTraveller (Oct 17, 2006)

I don't know if any other donors post here,  there was at least one, who might have some insight into this.  

I started thinking a lot about the children born from me being a donor recently and, after checking back in my diary, realised it's because on of them was born a year ago one week from today (one of the nurses let it slip about the birth being the night before I had an appointment at the clinic).  I'm glad for whoever the parent(s) are, that they have a child but have some regrets I may never get to meet that child and if they do what they will think of me.

The counciller session I had didn't focus on those sort of feelings at all and its not like there is any study or anything I can find that even looks at it.  The assumption seems to be that donors just go on their merry way and don't really think about the part they have played in someone elses life.

Do any other donors have thoughts about this?


----------



## caz nox (Mar 9, 2005)

Hello, 

I am donating my eggs, but I have not got to the same stage as you and I may not ever know that she has become pregnant. I know I will wonder but hopefully I will be having my children too! 

I actually found out that my recipient will have her 3rd try with donor eggs on this cycle and I am praying that it does work for her as much as it will work for me. 

We are also going through infertility and with egg sharing I am helping her as much as she is helping me. 

HTH 

Carrie


----------



## caz nox (Mar 9, 2005)

Oh - to answer your question - I have no regrets at all.


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Perhaps you could go back to the clinic and ask to see the counsellor again it is the least they could offer you. You have done a wonderful thing and made someone so happy.
L xx


----------



## Fifebloke (Jan 18, 2006)

Hi

I donated via the HFEA, and I too was always going to wonder about the children that came into being as a result.

My solution was to donate privately as well.  I may never meet the children arising from the clinic donations, but all my donees have agreed to provide photos etc. regularly.  With two born so far and another four on the way, I don't really dwell on the other ones.

Best wishes

David


----------



## Lorna (Apr 8, 2004)

I keep feeling that things are healthier in the USA.  The wonderful woman who donated her eggs to me, and I swapped email addresses, telephone numbers, addresses, etc.  And we spent a week together, just before egg collection.  We kept in touch with emails for a while, so she has pictures of my children as babies.  Also I felt it was important that my children, should have the opportunity to meet her, should they ever want to to, and she was open to that.

Mind you I am just that batty poster, who thinks donors, and recipients should be the ones to decide what short of donation they want, totally anonymous, completely open, or something in between. 

Lorna


----------



## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi
I think it is being increasingly recognised that past donors do often, although not inevitably, think about the children they have helped to create.  If you donated anonymously via a clinic you can go back and ask to re-register as 'willing to be known' to any young person of 18 or over who was conceived using your donation.  They would have to choose to find you.  You do not have the right to find them.  If your clinic are not helpful about this, you can go directly to the HFEA www.hfea.gov.uk
Best wishes
Olivia 

/links


----------



## Tonia2 (Oct 30, 2005)

Hi GT, 
As a reciepient of donor sperm there's a couple of things I wanted to say -

First, thank you so much for being a donor!   
I think that what you're feeling is perfectly natural and to be expected. I know that if it were me in your shoes I would probably be thinking along the same lines. Maybe Fifeblokes' suggestion is the way to go to resolve it somewhat!
No matter what impression the clinic may give you, many donor recipients are very grateful, aware and very interested in the donor. Most of us think alot about who you are, why you chose to donate, how the child will feel in the future etc, including what will happen if /when the child should desire to meet you/the donor. I know that it is something my partner and I talk about _all the time_. Every family handles it differently though, so it would be difficult to predict how a child you helped bring into the world may end up conceptualising the whole thing, especially as some families still seek to not tell their children that they are donor concieved. Alot of other families would definately welcome contact, or at least be open to the possibility, however. Obviously it depends what laws /contracts you agreed to donate under at the time too. Hopefully for you, the family/s you helped build are ones who will be willing to make contact at some time!

Secondly, this is blatent advertising, but I've recently read a wonderful book called _Building your family through donor insemination,_ by Ken Daniels. You can get it through the Donor Conception Network in the UK. http://www.dcnetwork.org. Wonderful, wonderful book - designed for families using donor sperm obviously, but I suspect you could find it really helpful as well. Ken Daniels & co have done a heap of research on families, esp those who tell their children they are donor conceived, and on how the children & families respond to this. There's a whole chapter devoted to the family's "relationship" to the sperm donor -not so much about whether they end up making contact or not (though that is definately included), but about how the family thinks & feels & talks about him, and how they deal with issues that arise as a result. You might find it quite reassuring, though it highlights how it really is up to each family to decide how they choose to 'relate' to the donor. Much of it is out of your control (assuming it was anonymous donorship etc).

I don't know if the DCN would have any contacts for you or any more research that is more specific to your situation -they are primarily there to support donor recipeints and the offspring, I believe, but their website has a good few personal stories about and from some donors. They could be a good place to ask about other contacts. Along with going back to your clinic/counsellor and requesting to speak about it with them. They owe you at least that much, and from a professional standpoint they ought to be open to you coming back to continue openly talking about it if you needed to.

Best wishes, 
Tonia


----------



## sweetcaroline (Aug 20, 2004)

Thanks for that information regarding anonymous donors being able to indicate willingness to be known, Olivia.  

I would also like to echo Tonia's thanks to you guys for being donors.      Even though the chances are our son will never be able to contact our donor, we will always be grateful beyond words.

Thank you too for the info on the book Tonia, I will definitely get hold of a copy!  

Caroline xxx


----------



## Laura S (Jun 1, 2005)

Hi

I've donated my eggs altruistically in 2000. Although I've had it since made known I'm happy to be identified I don't know what has happened to my 13 eggs but that's because I don't want to know - yet.

I never had any regrets whatsoever. I don't feel they're my children or my responsibility. Being a mother myself I know what motherhood is about. And for me it's more than being half of an embryo, which I technically was as an egg donor.

Of course I hope they are happy and healthy. They may some day think about me and may even want to find out who I am. They are welcome to do so and my heart is open for them _and _ their parents. But that doesn't make me their mother. I'm the mother of my own children whose bums I wipe, homework I check and arguments I have to calm down.

What they should know is that they're much wanted children, both by their parents and by their donor. And that thought alone is enough for me.

If you want to talk about this please leave your number with our national helpline on 0845 2269193 or email us at [email protected] You can also talk to other donors if you want to.

Good luck
Laura


----------



## hobbesy (Nov 22, 2006)

I ahve thought about this side of things, and its definitely one of the reasons I've gone down the route I have. I think I've realised that were I ever to donate again in the future I would only be happy to do it on a known donor basis again. Not necessarily in the same way though. This time round as DG is a close friend of mine we intend our children to all see each other as 'cousins' in a way, and extend our families. With any future donation (no plans, but never say never) I would at least like to meet who I was donating to and get a chance to stay in some kind of contact.Just the odd photo, email, send christmas cards, etc. I know there are lots of differing opinions around but I feel it would benefit any child to have the option available that if they were ever ready to meet their donor I would be there. If that day never came I beleive I would be happy

I waffle lol. Have I even answered the question? We started to discuss this a little when looking at the option of egg sharing this time round. As in dg receiving half my eggs and half goign to another couple. Our main reason for choosing against is so that DG has as many options as possible (by that I mean freezing for a second attempt).

I should really cover this in the blog at some point as it has certainly crossed my mind on more than one occasion

Keri -x-


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

My sister donated eggs about 10 years ago. She got to write a letter to any potential children (so did my niece) but that's the only contact there will ever be.


----------



## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Keri,

It was really interesting to hear your reasons for wanting to be a known rather than anon donor as they're pretty much identical to our reasons for wanting to use a known sperm donor. Our donor is not going to be involved much at all but we have agreed that we'll send regular updates and photos, and he's willing to meet with the child(ren) should they wish to meet him. Knowing that right the way through with our child(ren) we can give a name to the person who helped to create them, we can describe him and show them photos and arrange to meet up from time to time was really important to us. We didn't want our child(ren) to have to live with any mystery about where they came from, so for us, using a known donor was really our only choice.

Equally, I'd love to be able to donate eggs myself once we've had our kids. I haven't given this a massive amount of thought yet but I'm pretty sure I'd want to be able to do it on a known basis as well. It just feels more natural and open to me. I know that's not the case for many others but I know that for some people, blood ties do feel important, and if that happened to be the case for one our child(ren) or one of my future recipient's children, I would want them to be able to explore that part of themselves as much as they felt they needed to.

So, back to Globaltraveller's original post, I think I can understand, at least on some small level, the distance you're feeling from these children you helped to create. Maybe, if you were to decide to donate again, the known donor route would be one that would fit better for you.

Gina.


----------



## hobbesy (Nov 22, 2006)

I'm glad they didn't come across as just the ramblings of a mad woman then!


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I am also more comfortable with the idea of our child knowing our donor.


----------



## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

GlobalTraveller said:


> I started thinking a lot about the children born from me being a donor recently and, after checking back in my diary, realised it's because on of them was born a year ago one week from today (one of the nurses let it slip about the birth being the night before I had an appointment at the clinic). I'm glad for whoever the parent(s) are, that they have a child but have some regrets I may never get to meet that child and if they do what they will think of me.


I have to admit I have something similar going on right now. I got a BFP on my second egg share cycle but then later miscarried. However I later found out that my recipient had a live birth as a result of that donation. Although I don't know the exact date, the fact that I had been pg as well and had a due date in my head means that every time I think about that baby I lost, I am reminded that another one, with a different mummy and daddy, was born when mine should ahve been. The due date was the 30th May, which is this week so it's been on my mind a bit more the past week than usual.
I am more curious about that child now that I have had a baby myself than I was before he came along. Before I saw it as just a donation, like you would blood but now I know what it means to have be a mother and what that little egg can become. It's not that I want to meet the child or anything but I would like to know what he/she looks like and that he/she has a nice life. Because of the laws in this country, I will never know (donated when anonymity was in place) unless I make my willingness to find out well know.

I don't for one moment regret donating; I was quite surpirsed at how much pleasure I got from the knowledge of knowing that my efforts had given at least one couple the baby they never thought they could have. To be honest, even if my journey had ended without a baby for me I think the knoweledge of having done this would have bought a lot of comfort to me.



> Qiote from Gina: Equally, I'd love to be able to donate eggs myself once we've had our kids. I haven't given this a massive amount of thought yet but I'm pretty sure I'd want to be able to do it on a known basis as well. It just feels more natural and open to me.


Yes, that exactly how I feel. I know that I will never have IVF for myself again as I cannot, emotionally, put myself through all that but I still feel like I'm not done donating yet (although and 35 already I think the clinic might have something else to say about that!) If I did do it again I would love for it to be open and not anonymous.

C~x


----------

