# Attachment



## BeBe11 (Nov 17, 2010)

Hello ladies

DH and I have been sent the profile of a lovely little boy aged just over 3.  Our SW is concerned about attachment issues! We have fallen in love with him and will do anything to bring him home but obviously have to listen to our SW wise words...
  
I was wondering if any of you lovely people who have adopted a toddler have had any major issues with attachment and were you receiving good support from the social workers. 

We want the little one to bond with us and call us 'Mummy and Daddy'.  Are we fooling ourselves here, will he ever call us 'Mummy and Daddy' 

Thank you so much.

Bebe xxx


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## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

Hmmm... having first hand experience - I have to say that SW are not always the wisest, although to a certain extent I think they say things like that just to remind you that adoption is not about 'instant family'.

Anyway attachment is always going to be an issue and some children will bond quicker than others, but its something to work through. It will only get worse the longer he is left in care. And if everyone gets put off by the SW - then he will never find a family.

We had a long integration period which lasted about 10 days, as our SW's were also concerned about attachment problems. Lucky for us - attachment wasn't an issue. 

If you feel that this child fits your family well, and it sounds like you are already have your heart set on the idea - then go for it! 

Tony
x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Bebe,

I'm afraid I don't have any wisdom to pass on. If it were me I would heed the SW caution but ask for more detail/clarity and examples. Ive been reading heavily on Bryan post and theraplay which all is reassuring (lots of hard work but results there). I'm going to a theraplay course run by AUK shortly as I'm v keen.
If SW can give u more details and maybe offer post adopt support/specialists then u can see if it's what u and DH can cope with.

I know this may offend some but I've thought about this recently and it helped family understand my thoughts on a similar matter.

We "adopted" a dog a few years back. I had my list of yes/no and may consider. There were unknowns I couldn't know. One of my "nots" was separation anxiety. But dog was perfect. First day home -  Well dog turned out to have it in spades! I jumped straight on Internet and turned to my Cesar books as I'd done my research (waiting 6yrs for my dog).
Found a great trainer and over the next few weeks/months we worked together to really tackle it.
Whilst its still there it is manageable and just part of him. He's no where near as stressed and has adjusted better than we imagined.
I'm not wanting to trivialise your situation but this scenario helps my family understand what I mean when I say we are committed to some issues that are our "will consider".

"the boy raised by dogs" is a great book on what can be overcome but it is realistic in that it's a long work in progress.

Hugs x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

We adopted a little boy, came home at 27 months, with question marks over him being able to make good attachments.  That was 4 years 3 months ago and up until this year he was as securely attached as any adopted child can be.  This year has seen many changes for him including a siblings arrival, the loss of his grandfather and his Daddy not coping with this.  Any one of those things will rock a child's world and when they are adopted you have so many other things going on on top.  We are getting him back slowly but it has been a struggle and heartbreaking to see how 'normal' things can set our children back.

There are some good books out there that would be worth reading, Dan Huges, Margot Sunderland, Kim Golding to name a few.  You will find though that you take bits from each and not everything one person says fits your child.

No child will be easy, parenting isn't easy, but if this child feels right and you can accept the possibility of attachment issues then there is no reason why you shouldn't go forward.  You will need to have a good support plan written up including CAMHS as a 'just incase' but on the whole how much support you get from SWs will be dependant on your agency.  

Good luck.

OT x


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## BeBe11 (Nov 17, 2010)

Thank you all for your great replies - it really helps.  

DH and I always thought we would end up adopting up a baby until we saw our little's one profile.  We hope to bring him home soon 

Bebe X


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

I my eldest son arrived as a foster child just before he was 2 and we adopted him aged 3. He came from a very chaotic situation and have been moved around several times prior to being placed with us so we knew there were going to be some attachment issues, the sw's explored it with us so we knew what we could expect.
Our Son will be seven this week and is a very bright little lad but he does have clear attachment issues/disorder and this shows at different times ( it is nowhere near as much as it used to be) 
He can be bossy if things are going his way and struggles if he doesnt feel in control which can be hard at times, listening in to adult conversations to be in control is one way he tries!
He can be chaotic as times if he is in a situation he finds difficult, especially a larger group of people or a different surroundings. He still asks me every time we go out in the car when we are going home! just to make sure we are going home and im not taking him anywhere else!! 
His memory considering he stopped contact with birth family at 2 and a half is amazing, he can still recall some past events. 
I really dont mean to sound negative, I just wanted to give you some real daily insight into a child with attachment issues.
Not every child does end up with attachment issues and it really does depend on their background
The best advice I can give you is to find out as much info as possible about the childs background so you can assess what issues if any you think he could have in the future.

I would not have C any different to how he is as when he arrived it was like he had always been here and we knew that when he was freed for adoption by the courts we would become his parents as it was meant to be 

Goodluck and I hope that this is the little one to join your family 

xx


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## BeBe11 (Nov 17, 2010)

Hi Suzie

Thank you so much for your reply.  

You are not being negative at all - you are being informative and realistic which is what we need to hear before we make our informed decision.  Both DH and I know it's not going to be plain sailing and we are ready for the ups and downs   

Does you little one call you Mummy?  By the time we adopt our little one he will be three and a half years old...

BeBex


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi Bebe,

Just a quickie as I don't have any attachment wisdom to share - our two were 18months and 6months when we brought them home and it's so far so good but very early days.

However - I did want to mention that our SW tried very hard to put us off them and looking back I think she was just testing us to see how committed we were to them, making sure we weren't just grabbing at the first children that came along (not suggesting you are) just that this might be a trick / tactic that SWs use to make sure that you have got the right match.

our SW became really positive and supportive once I'd yelled a few times down the phone that we weren't letting them go, that the risks didn't matter to us and that we were taking it seriously and could see ourselves coping if the worst case scenarios came true! (BTW - really hope they don't come true, but as with any type of parent, we'll roll with the punches and do the best we can for them).

If he feels right that's a massive step in the right direction - your attachment to him will help I'm sure with him attaching to you.
Good luck
xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Bebe when we became his adoptive parents and not foster carers he called me new mummy at first for a few weeks and dh was daddy as he didn't have any contact with birth dad at all. Then he dropped the new and I became mummy  
It will depend on how long etc your little one has been in care etc as to what he is aware of re birth family.
X


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

our kids were 4 and 7 when they moved in, it has been far easier to bond with the youngest and only now, over a year, to attach with what is now an 8yr old. they called us mummy and daddy from day 2 of intros they just wanted a family and to belong, they want a mum and dad like their class mates at school and nursery.


it isn't instant and the one thing no one can give you is time. they moved in last july and it took till easter this year 8-9mnths for us to feel like parents and not babysitters.


our SW sent us the kids CPR we had agreed to proceed to a link meeting before we ever saw a picture and even then we felt nothing, we just saw no reason not to proceed with the link rather than feeling a connection. follow your instincts is my advice, you will know. With us it was more that nothing said don't proceed. Now a year on they feel like our kids but those first 3-6mnths are dark and hard and very difficult so be sure these are your kids


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## BeBe11 (Nov 17, 2010)

Hi Jules and Suzie

Thank you so much for your replies, very useful.  

It makes feel happy knowing that our little one will call us Mummy and Daddy   I was worried that at 3.5yrs he would be quite grown up and would not see us parents.  I am sure his SW will prepare him to accept us as his parents.  We also have been told that we are likely to have 2 weeks integration with him.

Xxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi BeBe.. believe me at 3.5 they are far from grown up... although our DD (also 3.5  ) acts like a teenager at times with her strops and tantrums and controlling issues (attachment!!) she also likes to be cuddled and rocked like a baby etc etc as that's what she missed out on. I also spoonfeed her when she needs it. 
They are still very little even at 5 and 6. Also LAC are sometimes also very socially immature at they can sometimes be 'stuck' at a certain age and need extra nurturing to build the attachment bonds to move on.
I wouldn't change my 3.5 yr old for all the tea in China, even though it is sometimes very challenging ) 
Good luck xx


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## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

I went to a talk yesterday on Theraplay which focuses on attachment and found it really useful. We adopted our 3yr in Feb and I found some of the techniques taught really helpful. Ask your SW if there is any theraplay in your area and if you could access it.

XxX


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