# I'm a failure



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm so fed up with life. What is the point in me. I can't
have a baby and now my husband is shouting
and telling me off for such stupid things. He
doesn't ever open up and I need support, I just tried to make him
see myside, but was met with silence.
I feel desperatly unhappy


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Oh, Pinkpig!
Have one of these!   
I know what you mean, my dh isn't always supportive, either and tonight he's hardly managed even to stay awake, which doesn't really help. We had a stupid argument, too. I suppose they do want to help but don't always know what to say. 
You are not a failure! I've called myself that enough times but I've begun to realise that just because my body isn't working properly it doesn't mean I'm a failure. I don't consider myself a failure because I have diabetes, especially as it was the result of another illness, so why should I call myself that because I'm infertile?
It's just something horrible that's happened to us! A part of the body that isn't working properly! It certainly isn't our fault!
Hope you feel a little better tomorrow, Pinkpig. (Like the name, by the way!)

Rowanxxx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi Pinkpig I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I am sending you huge   
As Rowan has said you are not a failure - None of us ladies on this site are failures - I too struggle some days and feel like I have failed - Just because we have been unable to have a child we are not failures - We are going through something that is horribly painful and unfair - yet we carry on - we endure tests and pain and heartbreak - and we still get up and carry on fighting - we put up with all the crappy comments and unthinking rubbish that people churn out - we somehow find the strength not to   
Sometimes our dh's don't get it and just can't understand our pain - my own dh just doesn't get it - I wish I could offer some useful advice in this department but I haven't yet found a way to get him to understand and offer the support that I need - Just keep trying to talk to him - we have a right to our feelings.
I really hope that today is a better day for you - Remember that there are lovely ladies here to offer support - and who get it
Take care 
love karenann xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Pinkpig,

I could write so much to you having been where you are now many years ago, but everyone's situation is so different and my feelings, what helped me, and where life took me will be different to the next person's struggles with infertility and path through life.

I just wanted to send you a big hug   

Just remember you are not alone in your feelings and there are many people here who will completely understand.

I hope things get better for you soon,

Luv Anj x x


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## Koalabear (Jan 26, 2011)

Dear Pinkpig,
There is a BIG POINT to you- you are a capable, lovable and fantastic woman. The infertility issues make life just crap and unbearable, but they are not ‘all’ of your life - although I sure as anything understand how it seems like that at the moment.  You are not a failure, Oh i wish I could hug you and tell you are so NOT a failure!  The guys have a tough time of this too, ‘wired differently’, who knows? I was only yesterday chatting to my husband about some of our previous quarrels and spats over the IVF stuff- oh boy did we have some-  and he had some very interesting things to say to me, I don’t know if any of this will help you at this raw moment and please don’t think I am offering it as advice, it’s just a perspective and story of what happened to us.

My husband told me that when we argued he felt like I was demanding an immediate answer to all the IVF problems and furthermore that his silence was not because he didn’t want to deal with it or wasn’t listening. Instead it was actually (and confusingly) largely because he just could not think about all the issues and decisions all at once. He also felt so frustrated and unhappy in himself that he could not make me happy- he was powerless to find a solution to our infertility and guys (apparently) like to find solutions. He told me he felt crushed and angry when I accused him of not listening and not caring, when all he needed was some more time to think about it all, digest it. To me in contrast this looked like avoidance and not caring, giving up and I felt abandoned and lonely.  So I don’t know how I did it (after one huge tearful event at something like 2am) but I put my case forward and told him that I would really like him to think about how he feels about our childlessness, what our options are and how to proceed. I literally got an “all righty” + shrug, which was like a red rag to an already enraged bull. I managed to -God only knows how, perhaps pure exhaustion- to stop. I hated him so much for that ‘all righty’. About a week later I asked if he had thought about it but got little reply, again I wanted to scream but I left it. Then about two weeks later I came home to find him silent and sad, frightened about what was up I pushed and he cried and unloaded a shocking amount of infertility fears and grief about not being a father. Not all guys would do this, but my husband said he needed time to process it all and not feel judged or in the dog-house.  Also importantly, he needed me to understand how he now accepts that our infertility problems just cannot be fixed with the resources we have available- his pragmatism I expect. As we are in this together, he also wanted a fair go from me to accept his help to cheer me up and give moving on together a good go.  That was hard, believe me very very hard! 

Pinkpig, keep in there hun. We are here for you and sending you lots of love and hugs. Remember you are not a failure for trying; you are a huge success for giving it your best go. I hope that your husband thinks a bit more about it and opens up soon. Hugs B


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Pinkpig

Sending you a big  .

It sounds like we all have our issues with the way our men deal with this. I know my husband is no different and he never mentions it unless i bring it up which then just makes me feel like he wasn't even part of it (he does already have a son from a previous marriage though so i think this puts him in a completely different place to me).I think he also just feels helpless because he can't control or change the situation. They are sooooo definitely from Mars   and we are from Venus . Keep talking to him huni. Thats what i do because i figure at some point he has to acknowlede what i am saying. i do think it is working because of late he does seem to be a little more understanding which is good.

Karenann- that is such a true statement which i think we sometimes forget!! 'we have a right to our feelings'. I know i forget to say what i feel alot of the time for fear of upsetting others whilst all the while becoming more upset myself 

Hope you all have something nice planned for the weekend.

Much love
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Well i finally got my counselling session on Monday, I'm not sure how i feel about it.  I think i expected a magic cure.  She did say some interesting things; but i kinda hoped for a program for recovery, she just talked.
I'm finding the pain is still very raw, but not so many tears, just a real feeling of sadness.  I went to an agricultural show on Saturday, and there were loads of women and babies everywhere, i was pleased with myself because i did'nt feel jealous, just numb and a feeling of acceptance was setting in.

I work from home, but next week i have to go into the office to see my boss and work with my collegues, i know my boss is a gossip and everyone is bound to know, i'm dreading all the sympathy and knowing looks.  I'm really going to blow if anyone says ' never mind, keep trying, it will happen'  NO IT WON'T HAPPEN and i need to move on, giving me false hope is not going to help me!

I must say i think you girls are much more help to me than the counsellor, i've learnt so much from you all, and i am so glad we have each other xxxx


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi Pinkpig !
You are most certainly NOT a failure !
I am so glad to hear that you have made progress (albeit small steps) with the counselling.  Hang on in there.  There is no magic cure, and these issues can not be resolved overnight.  But you WILL get there.  How are things with your DH now ?  I hope that he has stopped shouting and telling you off.
Well done on visiting the agricultural show and managing your feelings and reactions.  It sounds like that was a huge step forward.  
Don't worry about work.  Employers do have a duty of confidentiality.  I agree about false hope.  I think you have to make the decision to move forward (even use contraception if necessary) and then stick to that.  You will not be able to move forward until you are happy in your mind that the decision has been made.  I guess it is about taking control and stopping all the "waiting" for things to happen.
Big    You're doing just great !


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Pinkpig,

Well done on starting the counselling! I hope it works for you.
It will be small steps, I'm afraid. I once read on some psychotherapist's website that anything to do with healing the emotional brain takes a long time because it's relatively primitive (her words, not mine!) This applied to major trauma, abuse, etc but I suspect it's true for this whole situation, as well. 
I think you're very brave for going to any event where you knew you'd be confronted with babies and small children! I just can't do it, which means that during the summer holidays and at weekends, I become more or less a total recluse, but there it is. I think you have to protect yourself and actually I don't see why I _should_ 'manage' my feelings and reactions. In other societies, people would understand if I suddenly started crying or shouting in the middle of the field, or whatever, why do we British have to 'button our lips' so much?
It would also be so nice if there was anything, anything at all, that was adults only these days! Even in the evenings, you can never get away from kids. (Why is that? It wasn't the case when we were growing up!)
I agree with Libran about the work issue. Don't worry, your employer cannot just blab about your personal circumstances, no way, gossip or not!
Sam's right, keep talking to your dh. I have to keep talking to mine. I think they assume that just because we haven't mentioned it for a few days, we're ready to move on. That's not the case for me. I don't think I shall ever be ready to move on, if it means accepting a life without a family and I don't want to try. It's unacceptable and that's that. Just the idea makes me furious! Why should we be deprived of something that so many people take so much for granted and usually manage to get with no problems at all? Sometimes, they make lousy parents, we all know that and yet they can breed like cockroches. This is what I meant about basic biology and how just being able to get pg and deliver a child to term doesn't make you a good mother. 
Anyway, well done for looking ahead and I hope everything goes OK for you at work.

Rowanxx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Hi ladies, I definitely relate to this - just think if you are used to trying hard at stuff and succeeding in some things e.g. trying to be a good friend to others, studying & passing your exams or work tests; suddenly all the time you try so hard at TTC and you cannot control it. The pg women that make me craziest are the ones who plan it to happen at a certain time, there you go & pop one out 9 months later, with barely a hint of actually putting in any effort. Aaaargh!

People who are parents will say parenting is very important to them - but many of them will also want to feel there are other things they can succeed at and offer to the world. Many parents will want to feel they ahve contributed something to the world over & above bringing up their children. On bad days I feel they must be very greedy, as I feel this is the most major contribution you can offer in your time on earth. On better days, I feel like there are other things about you/me/us and our lives that mean it is a good thing we are here and we can make a difference in whatever our different ways are.  
For me I think well, I can be a good stepmum - I can be an 'extra' adult whose consistent & there for them in an extra/different way to their parents. I try and contribute something by my work - despite the crappy system & stupid govt/senior managers! Might think about taking up something voluntary, more regularly as I only do an occasional thing. 
But it's better for me not to rush into bundles of activity to avoid painful feelings, am still in the stage where these need to come out & be faced.

As for reltaionships, my Dh is so lovely, he listens to me & wants to help- he does struggle with knowing how, when it's a problem initially of his making (low count), that he can't actually fix. 
Maybe if we think of smaller things our DHs can do to help us, it will help their need to fix things & make it easier to talk and be together on the things that we can't.

And now I'm going to mention the S word - sex! I know we need to keep this up (!) and I want to & it will help us stay close. But the sad times when I feel vulnerable, all I want is cuddles & understanding & I struggle with him wanting more. I really don't want this to become a pattern,. am trying to get myself relaxed & look after me & the rest will follow. There is also the weirdness that none of it will lead to having a baby (although I stopped hoping it would long ago due to our particular problems) and I will always get my next period, which also makes me sad every time. 

This is very personal but I wonder how other people are handling this?

Ladies please don't feel a failure; yuo are a whole person and the world is there for you; it will take us time to always see this though 
much love xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Tribble and everyone!

You sound as if you're making real steps forwards! I agree with the business about our dhs wanting to fix all this, my dh often says he wants so much to do something but he can't! They can't, they can only try to comfort us and of course, they have their own feelings to deal with. I know my dh would have made a great Dad. 
Perhaps he still will, one day but probably only if we win the lottery! We can't find £20,000 pounds or so for three goes at donor egg IVF! Apparently, even Prof. Winston is now saying those clinics charge much too much. 
As for avoiding painful feelings, I'm afraid I've spent a lifetime doing that! The problem is that they don't just go away if you refuse to feel them, which is what I finally discovered after my Dad died, when I began to wonder why I was so depressed all the time. Trying to feel them, though, is difficult because they tear through you - or drown you. Because of my own background, it's hard for me to feel safe enough to endure them and I know this is what is required. 
The 's' word, oh yes. I fluctuate between wanting it just because it's nice and feeling it's all an utterly pointless waste of time! On one level it is, of course. We don't use contraception. What on earth would be the point? 
I don't want to get involved in the fertile world. It's like being covered in bruises and putting yourself in a situation where people just keep kicking them. Of course, parents don't realise they're doing this and it's not deliberate but it's certainly how it feels to me. They are so obsessed by their children you can't even talk to them some of the time. Most parents, in my experience, also assume that if you haven't got children it's because you don't want them. I have thought of volunteering, too, as it does seem to be true that if you help others, you get some help, as well but it certainly won't be anything to do with families!
Have a good weekend, ladies. Hopefully, it will stop raining!

Rowanxx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

hi rowan, I think you put it really well - it's like being covered in bruises and putting yourself in a place where people keep kicking them.
That is exactly how it feels sometimes. 
I think you are right about feelings surfacing to affect you even at a later time; so sorry about your dad & how that affected you; I do hope you can find someone to talk to who will listen where you can feel safe 
take care everyone xx


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

It just gets worse, I had to give a presentation yesterday and be assessed on it, well they were so negative and horrible to me that I broke down crying saying I feel enough of a failure as it is, had a really rough day, cried all day at work, then went to see my pregnant friend! That made it worse 
Been comfort eating too, putting on loads of weight, feel so miserable. Does it really get better? Feel like the world has it in for me right now.


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Oh Sarah

Big big  . You are most definitely not a failure but a very strong lady who is having to deal with one of the cruelist things life could throw at you.

Take care and much love
Sam xxxxxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Pinkpig,

I know just how you feel but you are a lot braver than me. Going to see pregnant friends? Forget it!
Actually at my age, most of my former friends are starting to expect grandchildren. It never really ends, does it?
OK, speaking from my professional side for a moment, was the presentation really that bad? Did you get any feedback and was there any you could actually use? Your colleagues shouldn't have been so negative, that really isn't on. If it was assessed, was there anything about the assessement that was positive (there should have been!), so you can use that to build yourself up a bit? And have they mentioned any steps you can take  to work on particular areas?
I think the problem is that we're all hurting so much that everything else hurts, too. I know I'm sometimes unable to see anything good about my life at all. The problem is the damn emotions, that simply won't leave me alone! I've just had to go into our local town and everything was fine until I seemed to be followed into shops by very young mothers with buggies and prams! One at least only looked about 15!   It just makes me so mad and then of course, back come all the other emotions. The fact that the rain is affecting my knees so I've had to hobble through the town like an old woman and my dh has yet another day off which we weren't expecting and we simply cannot afford, doesn't help!
I suppose he will be sitting downstairs watching the box all day now... I have work to do, though not so much as last week, which he had off because it was the half term. 
I hope you feel a bit better soon. As far as the presentation is concerned, my advice would be to take a day or so and then have a look at the feedback, if they've given you any, but I bet it was very much better than you're thinking at the moment!  

Rowanxxx


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## bikerboo (Mar 11, 2009)

hi,
Just wanted to say I know how you feel and I'm not going to try and give you any great advice as I'm sure you've heard it all before. Anyway, I couldn't possibly top all the great advice that has come before me. I hope things improve with your husband and with work. 
Take care, G


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your help, I really could'nt cope without you.

Well I got my assessment report back- 94%?  I think that's only because I disagreed with everything they said, I've got some real fight in me somewhere, probably from all the ivf nightmare. I can't believe they were so negative they didn't say one positive thing,  then they score me that!! 
I don't understand it,but I'll move on. 
I'm still feeling so down, my husband has gone in to shut down mode about it all now, I think he thinks I should have got over it by now. I just look at every day and think what's going to upset me today, what will go wrong next?


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Good for you, Pinkpig!
The discrepency does seem a bit odd but what's down on paper is what matters. You must have supported your points and opinions extremely well. I hope it's helped make you feel a tiny bit better, though I do know that work seems so irrelevant at the moment. 
Husbands react differently. I know it's a cliche but it does seem to be true. Mine goes into shutdown mode, as well. He'll always give me a hug, which does help but he admits he runs out of things to say. We are thinking about trying IVF with donor eggs or even surrogacy, to get around the problems with my body which would probably make it reject even viable embroyos (sorry, can't spell this morning!) but no, we don't have the thousands of pounds required! Having spent months and years banging my head against one brick wall, my own infertility and hoping my body would defeat the statistics, which it didn't, I'm now faced with another!
Anyone know a surefire way to win the lottery?!   
Take care of yourself. 

Rowanxxx


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi everyone, just thought I'd say it's been 3 months now and the feelings are less raw now, no more tears and I'm trying to create a new future for myself. I feel so much stronger thanks to all of you and I can look at babies and not feel sad just accepting that I won't ever have that but I can still have a wonderful life if I choose too. I know I'll have bad days,but I'm so lucky in so many other ways, you just have to focus on your new future. XXXX


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Well done pp - its not easy is it but well done to you!

I hope you continue to have good days - I know they wont all be - but dont forget that we are here and can help you through them  

Have you got anything nice planned for the summer?

Love

Debs xxx


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