# Feeling like a misfit



## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

I've spent a lot of time in the last few weeks running activities for children and helping them - which I love. And I enjoy chatting with children in more informal situations. But there have also been lots of times having lunch or coffee when I've been the only woman without children in a group of 5 or 6 or more women with their children, and most of them had two children present. I've tried chatting to both the mums and the children, and they have been friendly. I've tried being helpful, getting them things, ignoring children sulking or getting annoyed while their mums deal with the situation - trying to avoid making potentially unhelpful comments. Don't get me wrong - these are kind, friendly, helpful people who have welcomed me, not asked whether I have children etc. But I just feel profoundly like a misfit. And awkward, infantilised, disempowered. I don't belong in that group and I may never belong in that group and it really hurts. I try not to avoid situations because I find them difficult, but I think I've met my match here. And yet my future work is likely to mean I will keep needing to be in these kind of situations. We still have hope, we can still try more treatment. I dread to think what this feels like for people who can't have treatment or their circumstances mean it's just not possible, or who have finished treatment. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any thoughts? What can we do to make the world a more positive and supportive place for people like us, while also supporting parents and children in the stresses of family life?


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Bobo I feel like this so much so you are not alone.  It's the thing I find the most difficult about the whole journey these days.  Most of my friends' children are now older primary age with some who had them late so have babies and toddlers.  I'm the only one who has had problems conceiving and people just don't understand. 
These days I avoid most social events as I just can't cope with them anymore.  I stand there like a lemon whilst everyone talks endlessly about their children, tends to them, plays with them etc and I just feel like there is this whole world of parenthood that I am excluded from.  I have no idea how to manage the rest of my life if we don't have a child, dealing with having to sit through conversations which I have nothing to contribute to and being surrounded all the time by families, everywhere we go. 
I get asked constantly if I've got kids which also makes me feel really inadequate and again, like I'm not normal and don't fit in.  I feel awkward too bobo.  I feel like I really stand out for being different as I don't have kids and therefore can't relate and 'dont know what it's like'.  It's so hard isn't it lovely xxx


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

Oh magicpillow - I'm sorry it's so hard and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. But I'm glad that means we're not the only ones. I hope it gets easier as people's children grow up, though I guess that makes it all more unpredictable cos you might think it's all fine and then a long conversation might start about teenagers or grown up children and their work...and grandchildren, and then it all starts again! 
I was chatting with my husband about this and he says that while he sometimes feels left out at work as the only partnered man without children, it's not like what I'm talking about. I guess there is an intensity to mothering and to the strong supportive friendships between mothers which keep them going but therefore exclude us, and become something which we really desire to be a part of. 
I'm currently a mature student changing careers (I think you may be too) and there is something weird about how I'm seen because of that - it's a male dominated area and the intensity of the course so far means I've been temporarily and partially excused from expectations about whether we might start a family soon, but now the intense part is over but I'm still left with the infantilised feeling of being a student (and not a mother) despite now having a lot of complementary qualifications, experience and expertise and having given up a well paid responsible  job. It makes me scared that if I do become a mother, I'd just join that 'club' and perpetuate the exclusion.

From where I am now, I think confidence building (ongoing story of my life!) is going to be key, plus deliberately minimising my exposure to situations with huge groups of exclusively mothers especially when the children are there and the fathers are not, and accepting before and afterwards that those kind of situations are difficult. And any of this could come up at any time. We are going to be mighty strong women!

I can empathise with people even when I don't have their life experience and when they're complaining about the hard bits of parenting but there are times when my patience is tested. On Monday morning I was kind of flattered that two mums confided in me some of their frustrations about difficult sleeping and long car journeys with small children, while also really feeling the grief inside that our latest tx cycle had failed and we couldn't try again for a while. Before I arrived, I briefly considered saying to two of them 'I may be a bit wobbly today because...' But didn't because I really didn't know how I would be and you can't take back that info, and it's a placement so could get back...

There are times when I'm asked to watch a specific child or hold or cuddle a baby when mum's busy and that's fine (not sure what I'd do or say if it wasn't - I guess offer to help in a different way) and occasionally I'll see a situation and offer to e.g. Hold a small baby while a parent eats their lunch but I'm really nervous about offering and getting it wrong or imposing because I'm not a mum and although I spend a fair amount of time with children of different ages, I don't have the direct intense personal experience of my own child to give me confidence in helping others. I have a dear friend with two young children who is always holding new babies - I think she just asks directly or makes a comment about how cute they are and the parent just recognises some connection and hands the baby over. I am scared of imposing and trying to think how I might feel if I was the mum - I imagine I'd be happy to let other people enjoy cuddling the baby but not sure about people just asking. Maybe I'm way overthinking this because it's so painful!!


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