# A year later and still struggling



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
I feel like this forum really helps to keep me afloat at my worst times.  It's been just over a year since my final IVF failure and our decision to move on without children.  When we first decided to stop I felt immense relief in a way, I'd spent just over 6 years trying to conceive and you just don't realise at the time, the unbearable amount of stress you put yourself under.  So once I'd felt the relief that i could look to the future, a whole host of other feelings surfaced and took over - anger and resentment at other pregnant young mums and the new realisation that that would never happen to me, frustration and self pity, questioning what my new role in life was, questioning my future, oh and the tears didn't stop for months.  Even though I knew it was the end of the road, I couldn't stop keeping an eye on my monthly cycle, i just wanted to be casual and think right - I don't care now where i am in my cycle - what does it matter?  but it did for soo long, it's only a year later that i can truely say that i have no idea what day of my cycle i am on and no idea when my next period is due.
I've been through long periods of great inner strength - really thinking I've done it, I can deal with this, I've moved on - but then my world comes crashing down around Mother's day, Christmas and all the other family orientated days, they really are my worst times.  I'm finding at the moment that all my friends and family are having their 2nd or 3rd child, which is really tough.
I've found some solutions that are helpling me at the moment - I've stopped buying presents for all the children in my family and instead given my Mum all the money to buy presents and wrap them for me, this really takes the pressure of me, there is nothing worse than having to go to Mothercare when you are feeling low.  
I've also declared Mother's day a special day for me - hubby buys me a pressy and take me for a meal - it's a special non-mothers day for me, we go somewhere nice with no children.
Hobbies are essential, you've got to discover new skills, interests and ways to develop yourself, make your friends jealous, so when they are struggling with their children, you are enjoying yourself 
Even so after a year I expected to be on top of the world - totally focused on my new life without children, but unfortunately it's not like that I've had lot's of ups, but still plenty of downs, the tears are uncontrollable some days but that's when this website is so wonderful, you don't feel so alone.
Thinking of you all at this difficult time in our lives
Sarah xxx


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Pinkpig
I can totally relate to every single word that you write.
Firstly, can I say how much I admire you.  You are articulate and self-aware, and there is not a hint of self-pity in your post, only honest and completely understandable and natural grief.  You have obviously thought very carefully (particularly about triggers for the grief, tears etc) and made great efforts to embrace your new life.  You are so right - hobbies are incredibly important.  I also love the idea of going for a meal to celebrate a "non" mothers day.  To answer your question, it is obvious, and logical, to want a resolution and conclusion to all the grief - in other words to be able to say to ourselves that in x months time I will be "over it" and "cured" of all these feelings.  Unfortunately, life is child centered, and there are always going to be triggers for these feelings, adverts on the tv, celebratory days such as Mothers Day, christmas etc etc.  The grief will always be there, it will always come and go in waves, but the most important piece of advice that I have been given is that we can spend so much time focusing on things that we don't have in life, that we completely forget to value the things that we DO have in life.  It sounds like you have a a supportive DH, friends and family, so please confide in them and get support wherever you can.  I totally understand the way you feel, as I feel exactly the same way too.  Always here to listen if you need it X


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Pinkpig
Your comments struck a chord with me too.  A year is not a long time so don't beat yourself up over your feelings.  Libran is right feeling never goes a way completely .  For me the grief  I felt has definitely lessened with time,  even so I still get the odd moment which smarts.  Sure we all do. No matter how you look at it its a hard road which none of us wanted to be on, but guess we  have to enjoy what we do have.  Im glad you have have found some coping mechanisms to help you xx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

hey pinkpig
I'm about a year & 8 motnhs away from my last failed icsi & I haven't been on this site for a long long time, does that mean I'm over it? I doubt it. I got a new job, been doing alot of campervanning, holidays and other fun stuff. I carried on with my strategies of just doing what I felt like - for example not going to the baby showers, or get togethers with friends that all had children. I did this until I felt like going to these kinds of things again, which sometimes I now do. I reserve the right to say no thanks see you another time if that's what I need!
For me my pmt has always been a nightmare, so at these times it is usually when I struggle and feel excluded and angry about the failure to have children. Much of the rest of the time, I can be fine.#So I think the other posters are right, it can vary

When I went to a counsellor back when it happened, I asked her how long it would take to get over it. I didn't really expect an answer, but she said 2 years - although it can still hurt after this the grieving process and acceptance is usually about this long for most people.

So - take care & hang in there - use the strategies you want when you want. It will turn out OK, in the end. You are fine.
much love


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