# COVID-19 moan from POV of childless person



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

**I've posted this in 'moving on' too so feel free to delete if not appropriate.**

please don't have a go at me, I have come here to find the only safe place I know where I can completely off load about the realities of being childless in this society, I understand that lots of FFers have gone on to have families and i AM pleased for them and anyone who doesn't have to go through what we went through**I haven't been on FF for years and I am certain no one will reply to this, no one will even remember who I am! But I needed a really safe space to come and have a proper moan from the POV of a childless person, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic while we are all on lockdown. I posted a thing on social media (such a hell hole site, not sure why I am on it) and it brought home to me the nature of childlessness in society, something that is always there except the privileged people with children don't notice it. That is that childless people are on the fringes of society, where laws are made, where public spaces are created, they are not created for us, they are created for people with families, the whole world is designed for people with children. Usually i'm sort of OK with that, it's my lot in life and I have changed my entire life to accommodate the fact that I won't be part of that society now. I work for myself, I work from home so that I don't have to be in the child rich areas of life, I get the world to myself because everyone is at work while i am working at home. I actually gave up my job as a microbiologist partly because of PTSD from having my daughter die of (in part) clinical negligence caused by the hospital I worked for...but that's a whole other story. Anyway, this is what I posted on social media and it's a bit tongue in cheek and supposed to be funny more than anything else:Shout out to the people who already work from home and are now dealing with the entire world taking the opportunity to decorate, declutter, have BBQs, catch up on the DIY jobs and have singalongs while you are trying to just do your work.I didn't even mention children! There was a lot of home workers who laughed along but a coupe of people, who are friends, really jumped on me about how worried they are about their children's health and how yes, they would allow their children to run wild if it meant they were dealing with the stresses of confinement....etc and the general tone was that I was being selfish for wanting to continue my life as normally as i can and not PUTTING THE CHILDREN FIRST because we live in the cult of motherhood where children and families are the most important things and everyone else can go F themselves can't they.I was told that maybe I should wear headphones and stay in my office until it was all over. because clearly my own mental health and my need for a space to 'be' is just not as important. It's like with the stress of the pandemic everyone is very sensitive, but any pretence that we were given, the crumbs that were given to us as childless people, the pats on the heads 'poor you' has even gone now and WON't SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! *clutches pearls*I know this sounds like sour grapes, it's not, or maybe it is, we're all so conditioned to not ever complain about being childless in case we make people uncomfortable that i can't even tell whether what i am complaining about is unreasonable. Anyway. That was my big moan. Thank you FF for providing a space where I could do this xxWendyPS I am living very very happily child free, I don't think people quite understand that, but they also don't understand that it's really hard still sometimes. Anyway...rant over.


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

I remember you. I am one of those with kids but I, for one, am not going to beat you over the head with a stick for not thinking of the children. I have my 79 yr old mother with COPD who lives with us. I'm the only driver. My worries and concerns are every time I have to go shopping, could I bring back covid and inadvertently kill my mother. My kids would recover, she would not. It's as simple.as that. 

You're not being selfish. I just think  everybody are living on heightened anxiety, yourself, myself and the wider others included. 

I try to practice gentle breathing exercises and have stopped watching t.v and prefer to listen to the radio now. 

Keep calm and carry on. 

Rant way, if needed. No-one on here will judge you in any way, shape or form. Xxx


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi Wendy

I remember you too, I am still knocking around and always really appreciated your support when I was going though tough times. Its surprising how sensitive and precious some people can be. Like JMatthws I am more concerned for my parent's, I know most kids would bounceback from this, not so much the older generation and I certainly wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist about it on fakebook. Some people are terribly blinkered when it comes to their own kids but not everyone is quite as uptight. 

Keep well x


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Can i join in too

A friend of a friend managed to get a sainsburys delivery slot then had the cheek to say 'we need it as we're in the vulnerable group because we have a baby " WTF no your not!! plus you've now just taken that slot from someone who IS actually vulnerable   
Children have been spared this awful disease and like everyone else it's my parents im most worried about

Secondly the 'jokes' about a baby boom in 9 months. Even if you are fertile. Do most people honestly have nothing better to do during this crisis that their just gonna stay home all day having nookie!? WHO is gonna be in the mood for that? And if u honestly have nothing better to do then you really should be out volunteering
Rant over


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thank you thank you. 


I came on here this morning to delete tis as I suddenly did feel quite selfish. But do you know what, infertility, baby loss, having to change your entire life because you can't just conceive a family does occasionally make me really angry, and although I work really hard not to be bitter and not to be angry, I think sometimes it's OK. I get to be angry, i get to be ****** off with the world too. I feel like we are always being shut down, because our emotions make other people uncomfortable. 


When I lost Matilda, and when we decided to stop trying and go forward as a childless couple, I gave up on not only being a mother, - a role Id been preparing for for thirteen years - but the chance to have my own...community...there's probably a better word, but that unit, that looking out for each other, someone in the future who will deliver bread and milk to my doorstep, someone who I can care for. People think in terms of 'not being able to have a baby' but it's so much bigger than that and if you have a family, like I have, who aren't close, who aren't emotionally supportive or don't have the skills to be emotionally supportive (my parents never mention my daughter, neither does my brother and sister) it is really hard to not feel really lonely. i built my family from people who aren't related, but they all have their own families and have turned to them in this crisis, and now seem angry that I am expressing my own pain. I sort of feel like a dog that's suddenly unwanted because there are more important things going on. i don't know. It's such a highly emotional time right now. I am feeling the lack of my own family, I am missing my daughter terribly and feeling like an appalling failure because I'll not be able to tend her grave on her tenth birthday, the only thing i can do for her, and filing like no one cares, and no one cares how hard this all is still. 


Gordon bennet, I'm sorry, this is such a whiney post! I don't have anywhere i can go and say all this stuff. So thank you xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I hear you,
Im sorry your immediate family no longer feel able to talk about your daughter. 
I know the going response is "yes but people just don't know what to say" (reg infertility and baby loss).
I get it i do, but it's niggling isn't it... 
I think, i hope, that im a fairly empathic person. I listen to people's problems. I don't judge. 
Yet we're expected to just accept that other people just don't have these skills for some reason. Apparently it's really hard to say 'yeh i know hun i get it, life sucks' 'thinking of you today' blah blah
I mean that's the bare minimum isn't it? Ffs it's not hard 

Thinking of u and your girl at this difficult time

Ps and remember u and your DH _are_ a family xx


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Totally get this.  I feel like I'm not a 'hero' at the moment, as I don't have kids to heroically homeschool, and am not a keyworker.  So I'm just plodding on working at home and not making a fuss about it.  
Yet there's this sudden media-hype around it all.  There was a fbook post going round the other day which really grated me, something around 'anyone who's quarantining without kids, tell me what it's like, is it relaxing? Can you take naps? Watch netflix all day? tell me about the good times!'  -- people were commenting underneath it 'can you webex uninterrupted' etc etc and making a joke of it.  Thanks - make a joke of childless people.  
I know it's all meant in jest but this is exactly what we all have to put up with every day - and it's so naive of people to think that that's all this is - just homeschooling and doing webexes.  Just because we don't have children doesn't mean we're not affected by this and don't have worries. 
Trying to put a positive on it, that if they can share rubbish hurtful humour like that then they clearly don't have any actual corona issues to worry about, which is a good thing. 
Sorry ^ rant of my own! 

I'm sorry about the timing of all this for you wendycat, must be so hard at an already difficult time.  Sad that your family don't recognise it either.  
Are there ways you could mark your girl's special day from home?  Something nice in the garden (if you have one), or hold a little remembrance for her - candles, read something special, something like that?  Then you can mark it even though you can't visit her xxx


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## dileas (Sep 4, 2016)

Wendycat I just wanted to pop on this thread to give you a virtual hug. I know that I haven't spoken to you on here before but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you at this time as you mark your little girl's 10th birthday. I cannot even begin to fathom how hard this must be for you, you are amazingly strong. xx


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## Maddymoo (Oct 9, 2005)

I can't remember the last time I posted on here, but Wendy your name came up and I wanted to send you a hug, plus unending empathy and support xxx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Northern ive seen that social media post too. 
I don't know if I'm the only one but im always completely astounded at these people who have children then seem completely surprised that these kids which they've chosen to have are pretty much going to take up 90% of their time for 18 years. Which means that long soaks in the tub, watching films, going for nice dinners are mostly going to be off the cards for the time being. 

What did you expect raising a child was going to entail? 

THEN they want to berate childless people because THEY didn't do their research beforehand  

It's like they went on holiday to Benidorm and got upset cause they couldn't go skiing. 

Ahhh good old FF. The only place u can have a good rant without judgement


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

> It's like they went on holiday to Benidorm and got upset cause they couldn't go skiing.


 

Best thing I've seen all morning   
xx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm struggling too.
all of my work team are working from home and if I hear one more time from the boss..those with children (I.e.not me and the 70 yr old)..put them first and just do the work you can.
also struggling with sense of purpose now ..easy to be child free when u are distracted by life. Katey.
(also not posted in years)


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thank you so much to everyone responding to this, it's brilliant to read your responses. It's made such a difference to how alone I felt. xx


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## Maddymoo (Oct 9, 2005)

Hi Wendy, just thought I'd check in and see how your week is going xxxxx


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## Greyhoundgal (Oct 7, 2013)

I remember you Wendy and if you can’t have a rant why here then I don’t know where any of us can rant.  This is a place of non judgement.  People are being very over sensitive at times and need to consider others. It sounds like you made a good life since losing your daughter. Hope youcan manage to hold on to that strength when everyone else is going crackers.

Take care
Grey xxx


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