# Facing death after childlessness



## jq

Hello. I am sorry for the stark subject title, but don't know what else to write. I am back here after many years as this site gave me many friends and much support. I don't recognise the people here now, but I hope that some old friends will get an email alert that I have posted.

My dear P has been diagnosed with pancratic cancer and has a dreadfull prognosis. At the most we have a year, but they said that nearly 3 months ago and as yet have not started treatment. There have been so many delays with treatment due to our local hospital not being able to deal with this cancer and referring us elsewhere where we were referred on again to a clinical trail that could give the year we now hope for - if not for the trial it will be a 6 month prognosis. Or so they said 3 months ago. So maybe we have even less than a year, less than 6 months.They have not said. 

Right now P is back in the local hospital with a complication - a severe infection resulting from the fact that they gave him a plastic temporary stent to re-connect his pancreas and liver that has now become blocked. The second hospital wanted the first, local, hospital to change it to a permenant metal stent but it was left too late (still has not happened) and now he is in dreadfull pain and his liver function has got to the point that might make him ineligible for the trial that would hopefully give more time and a better quality of life than the normal palliative treatment.

The mess-ups at the hospital feel like a repeated nightmare as we went through so many mess ups in our years of infertility and miscarriage. I hate going to that hospital as we never had good news there.

Although we have been living for nearly 3 months with the knowledge that our time is so limited I am not sure I really believe it. When I do believe it I am totally felled by grief. Then daily life makes me carry on till I am desolated all over again. There are times when we think we are coping, like sitting in front of the TV enjoying a programme (we have never watched so much TV, but P has so little energy.) Then something happens to remind us. There was a programme about whales and dolphins and in a section about how certian dolphins have learnt to get fed by tourists in a beautiful place I knew that just a few weeks before one of us would have said "Let's go there." Even though we may never have got round to it, it was a possible dream. Now we cannot say that. The future is all gone. I did not say this to P, hoping he was enjoying the programme enough to forget the horror for a while. The next day he said "I know what you were thinking about during that dolphin programme." At least we are together and understnd one another.

Maybe some of you are wondering what I am doing here, why I am not on some sort of cancer/bereavement site? Well guess what? Most of the people there are parents, their concerns include supporting children and grandchildren. So once again, years later, we are a childless couple in crisis. We learnt to be Ok as a couple without children. P has just taken early retirement and I hoped to follow in a few years so we could enjoy being together for most of everyday. Now I will have to learn to be OK without him. I am not sure I can. We are not ready to say goodbye.

There is a big part of me that wants to shriek like a child, "It isn't fair!" This part of me cannot come to terms with our having had to overcome childlessness and now being torn apart by cancer in middle age.

Maybe only other childless people will understand that my fears include being so alone when I loose my dear P. All my small family now live abroad.  Yes, I have friends, but they have their own generations of parents and grandparents, chilren and grandchildren around them. Come the Christmas after next I don't want to be the lonely middle-aged woman invited out of pity.

So sorry, maybe I shouldn't be here. But I would like to hear from some old friends. 

Thanks for reading. JQ


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## LJyorkshire

JQ

So so sad to hear about your darling P. I cannot imagine how awful
It must be to know your time together is limited and that the quality of life you've had before will never be quite the same. I lost my DH suddenly (car crash) in 2004..you never imagine your future as that of a young widow (I was 34). If I can do anything to support you pm me anytime. You WILL get through this together and all the memories you are making now will seem so precious. I know what you mean about other forums..I tried some bereavement forums and just could not cope with them. I hope that myself and I'm sure others will give you some small comfort on the site. Big  

LJ x


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## PaddyGirl

Hi JQ

I'm so very sorry about your dear P    Your story has had me in tears and I had to reply back to you even though I've not experienced anything like this, however, the thought of being left alone has entered my head from time to time. 

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, but, as LJyorkshire says, I hope that we can support you and help you to get through this. You know what FF is like, you won't be alone.   

Stay strong
Love PaddyGirl xxx


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## Debs

Sweetheart you most definatley have a place here to come talk to us and let us help you along    I know alot of us are new to you however there's plenty of love and support here for you.

I wish with all my heart that they find a miracle cure but ultimately understand what a terrible illness this is  

Its a cruel cruel world at times but for now - just take care of each other and try to enjoy what time you do have together.

Sending you so much love and strength.

Love

Debs xxx


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## janeo1

JQ
I am one of the oldies who remember you as a regular poster and am so sorry to find you hear again with such sad news.  My heart goes out to you and your dear P.  I remember you as a really strong caring  person, life isn't fair and you have had much more than your share of heartache.  
I hope your inner strength will see you though & you and P will enjoy your time you have together in whatever way you can. In meantime we are all  here for you to offer whatever help, comfort we can. 
X


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## Twopence

JQ

I have stumbled across this post by mistake and I am so sorry to hear your news. I am glad an old friend has found you already.

I dont know what I can say to you but I send lots of love and care to you and your P. I hope he is out of hsoital soon and can start his treatment.

Wishing you every bit of luck in the world

Shrimper xx


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## karenann

JQ
I was so very sorry to read your post and am sending you    Clearly you and your darling P are going through the most horrific experience. I completely understand your fears about  being alone. Please know that you are not alone - my thoughts and prayers are with you both. Please don't feel that you shouldn't be here - there is a lot of love and support here - we are all here for each other. 
Take Care much love and luck

Karenann xx


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## nessiebro

JQ..... i honestly dont know what to say to you. as im typing this the tears are running down my face, i am so so sorry to hear your news about your darling p's illness.

i hope your darling p gets strong enough to start his treatment soon. 

i have not been through anything like what you are experencing just nowso i can't begin to imagine what it is like for you both but i hope you find the strength to get through this and please do not feel like you dont belong here, we are all here for you, to help and support one another through the darkest of days.

much love to you both 
michelle x


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## Rowan22

Hi JQ,

I've read a lot of your old posts on this board, as I've struggled to come to terms with my own situation and found them really helpful and interesting, so I thought the least I could do was reply.
It's a horrendous situation and my heart goes out to you. 
Like the others, I hope P. can start treatment soon. You have enough to bear without the wait. 
I am so sorry.   

Rowanxxx


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## jq

It is heartwarming to receive caring messages and encouragement to come here for support. I am glad that Janeo and Rowan remember me and my old posts, that helps me to feel welcome. It is also very supportive to hear from new friends, so thank you all.

Dear LJ, I was so sad to hear how you lost your DH so suddenly amd am so gratefull that you have offfered me your kindness. That must have been so hard to cope with and I am sure you could still do with lots of hugs   

P is out of hospital and over the infection but we have been told that the damage to his liver makes him ineligible for the clinical trial, so we are waiting for an appointment for the normal palliative chemo and to be told what this means in terms of expected life span. 

I am making a quick visit after working late - our time is so precious that I am trying to spend as much as possible with P, so I have been working when he sleeps. Now I am very tired so signing off. Thank you all once again.

JQ  xxx


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## rachel1972

jq

welcome back, ff is the best for all types of support.  I can imagine how you must be feeling all i can say is that i wish i had the kind of marriage you have it sounds like a truely loving relationship.  I hope your dh gets the care he deserves.

rachel x


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## LJyorkshire

JQ

I am glad he is back at home for you. I'm sure it's a very tense time waiting to hear the prognosis. Please come in here whenever you need to let off steam. You don't need to censor your anger, rage, sadness or fear when on here. I bet around friends and family you feel you need to show you are coping. On here you can just allow yourself to feel however you feel knowing we will all support you

LJ x


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## janeo1

JQ 
So glad P is back home and has recovered from the infection. I hope his treatment regime is sorted out quickly, so that you can spend as much quality time together as possible.
You know where we are when needed and am sure you will get a lot of love and support from FF as always.  Sending you a great big   and best wishes.  Try to be kind to yourself too xxx


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## Crikey

Hi JQ
I am so sorry about what you are going through.
We have never spoken, but I'd read some of your previous posts about being childless at 50 and found them brilliantly relevant; they give a really useful perspective to women like me who have given up treatment and worry about a supposedly "lonely future" without kids. One thing that struck me was that you said that part of moving on for you was realising that the love between you & your DP was 100% enough. So I was heartbroken reading about his illness and imagining the fears you must feel.
I can relate to your situation as I also have no family in the country I live in: it's just me and DH. We have very, very few friends here and not much support from the family that we do have abroad. I always, always think about the decades ahead. Recently DH was rushed to hospital and operated on (all very routine; trivial stuff, not comparable to your DP) - he's fine, but it got me thinking about how precarious our lives are & how isolated I would be if something really serious happened, without the support networks that larger families have. My anxiety resurfaced a bit so I was browsing on here for mental support and I was stricken by your situation and can't tell you how much I feel for you. I'm not saying all this for "woe is me", by any means - just to let you know that I do truly empathise.
I think you are right when you say that "maybe only other childless people will understand that my fears include being so alone when I lose my dear P". I think everyone here will be able to imagine how you feel to some extent so I think you're in the right place xxxx
Hugs and love
C


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## laurainhk

JQ,
i was already crying before i started reading your post (i had a very emotional talk with my partner). By the time i finished it i was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. 
Then i wrote a long reply, but before i could hit the send button my computer had a glitch and...damn, i lost it.  

I just wish i could give you a big hug and tell you that your story really resonates, i cannot help but identifying with your pain, and i guess women on this board feel the same way. 

Life seems so unfair. We feel that life has dealt us a bad hand. We have a hidden wound that weeps at times. But we learn to cope, we learn to make do with what we have, be it our career, our partner, our friends, our talent, our pets, or our garden.... And one day we wake up and start smiling at life again. We are still wounded but the pain no longer gets in the way of what we want to accomplish in our lives.

You walked that path, learned how to deal with childlessness, you built a strong and loving relationship with your partner, you were both looking forward to enjoying more time together after his retirement,  and then.... life deals another terrible blow. An overwhelming and shattering blow. 

I can tell you are a strong person, but even the strongest person feels impotent before death. It's something our Western culture is so ill-equipped to face. 
Religion provides great support to those who believe, those who don't have to find their own way to make sense of the impermanence of our existence. 

One of the central tenets of Buddhism are outlined in the three marks of existence.
Dukkha - Suffering or unsatisfactoriness
Anitya - Change/Impermanence 
Anatman - Not-Self

I am not a Buddhist but believe that the main purpose of our life is to make sense of existence by walking on our path, the one that has been assigned to us. 
We may feel that some paths are easier than others, but unfortunately we cannot trade paths. The meaning of your life resides in that path. Some paths are full of obstacles, others are full of losses. We become what and who we are because of all the battles that we fight along that path.

I empathize with you and feel your pain, because you are called to one of the most terrifying battles of your life. Your partner needs you and this is what matters at this point. You will be strong for him, you will accompany him on a journey that is very different from any other journey you went on together. It's a journey that brings you very very close to the essence and mystery of life, and to each other.  This is the greatest gift you can give him. 
You will share the most intimate thoughts with each other, and you will lead him by the hand to the most Luminous Light, where we came from and where we shall all return. 


Don't think about tomorrow, about the future, because that can only cause anxiety. Walk on your path one step at a time, savouring each step, enjoying each moment with your partner, because that will provide meaning. Life is a B.i.t.c.h only if we choose to think of it as such. Pain and suffering are real, and together with joy, love, passion and compassion, they are the stuff life is made of.  The proportion may change, but the essence doesn't.  


Lots of love, i wish i could help in some way.


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## rachel1972

laura thank you for your amazing post, i kind of know what you mean but have along way to go till i truely get it fully.


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## ennorahs

Jq I am so soory and with my lack of experience can not offer much assistance ...but Lauras post is very encouragibg and i relate to wht she's saying and it is true that when physically we cant take no more our spirit being can support us. Life is no fair and pray he lives longer than expected.
hugs


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## janeo1

Just a quick message to say thinking of you and your dear P
x


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## dhikki

Dear JQ,
I remember you sweetheart from a few years back. i admired your honest posts. I too am still very much childless. And in a way understand how you might be feeling.
My darling husband died suddenly on the 5th august 2010. He had a heartattack. It was very sudden without warning. I unlike you had no time to learn it was going to happen before hand. I can honestly say i don't know what would be better, knowing or not knowing. Not that anything can make it better.
i just wanted to say please know that i am here for you. My husband was my life and we shared a bond that no-one could understand because of all we had been through with the IVF and being childless.
Your in my thoughts Much love Donna xx


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## Myownangel

((((((((((JQ)))))))))))))) I didn't know why I came on here today, after all this time. Now I do. I am so sorry to hear your devastating news. How awful life must be for you - again. You have been through so much. Life indeed is just not fair.

Once again we are shown how being childless just isolates us. Even when faced with a partner who is dying - we are on the outside of the 'normal' experience and have no children/grandchildren to worry about or call upon. I know it is hard and I can't think of what to say to help - except that you will come through it. You must know that by now - however hard life gets, you will come through. Meanwhile - I hope you find strength to enjoy your time together and to make the most of every day. 

Come here to vent and let off steam - some of the oldies do pop in from time to time! And these boards are generally full of supportive people. 

Lean on your friends - the ones who know you, the ones who understand.

Lots of love and hugs,
Bernie xxxx


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