# Upset by friends



## hope springs (Nov 2, 2007)

Hi all,

I've never posted on this thread before (though I have on others), I've also re-registered with a new name as a way of starting again , a new stage of our infertility, shaking off the last few years.

DH and I have spent the last year losing any hope of every being pgt.  A few close friends are aware of this and whilst they seemed sensitive to our position immediately after our last m/c its like they think we should be 'over' this now and they don't give it a minutes thought anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, for example, we had arranged to go over for the evening to friends and when we get there their dining room was covered with baby clothes that they have been given by her sister.  So our evening with them turns into a couple of hours watching them sort through baby clothes (they even asked which ones I preferred!!!).  It was just like a kick in the teeth, made worse because its not as if they don't know our position.  Couldn't they have thought ahead and put them away before we arrived??  It doesn't take a genius to spot that we might find this upsetting, does it??!  This is by no means a one-off, this type of thing seems to happen all the time now - is this me, am I TOO sensitive?

I  used to feel sad all the time, but this sadness is turning into anger - why can't people be just a tiny bit sensitive?? I understand that strangers/colleagues that you don't really know can really put their foot in it without knowing, but what really hurts are the people we trust, that are aware of how much we have stuggled (physically, emotionally   and financially) and yet their behaviour seems to show that they don't care.  

Its getting to the point where almost everytime I see them they upset me, not intentionally - just through lack of sensitivity.  I feel that I need to distance myself from them as an act of self-preservation, just avoiding the upset, but I don't want to lose them as friends.  Also, I don't go out as much as I used to do so I'm not meeting new people to become friends with - I'm going to end up with no friends at this rate!  

The really upsetting thing is that I can see the same thing happening in the future with other friends as they have kids and move on and we're left behind again.

I guess I never realised that infertility ends up affecting every part of our lives  



Hope xx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

It is a sad fact Hope that like you say, infertility affects every part of our lives. Friends who have or are starting families want to enjoy that time but of course it will upset us. We can't expect people we love to stop enjoying this time just because it upsets us and usually they have so much going on that giving us a mere thought of sensitivity often gets waylay-ed. They don't mean it and it's not their fault but you do also have to install methods to keep yourself safe and your emotional wellbeing in place. Unfortunately this does often mean distancing yourself until you are ok with it. This is something that takes time and doesn't have to be forever. If they are good friends then if you explain your need for some time out they will be there for you at the other side, if not then let them go. I remember feeling an over whelming sense of isolation initially but now I am very busy and have lots going on. This feeling won't last forever. We are here to help you through it and well done with the new identity, you have made a huge leap in moving on.

LOL
Yamoona
x


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## Guest (Nov 4, 2007)

Hi Hope,

Firstly here is a big  

Sadly infertility does begin to teach who we can really trust and sadly those we honestly believe will be there are often the ones who turn cause the most pain. From my personal experiance I have lost a few friends, ones that at one time were my very closest and it was incredibly painful. However, my only advise is to ask yourself if they can say such things and be causing you more upset than happiness......are they worth keeping as friends?!

Don't be afriad to say how you feel, they are the people in the wrong and they need to alter their thinking or they will lose a good friend.

Take care x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Hope

Just wanted to add my welcome to this place too - and to agree with the other ladies that its at times like this we find out who our true friends really are. 

Its hard striking a balance between being upset and keeping in contact with our friends or distancing yourself from them for a while - especially when they seem so blase about what we have been through. Unfortunately though, its often the case that those who have never been through similar stuff don't understand the depth of suffering on a daily basis that we are confronted with, even if its something that appears innocent to them. You're dead right when you say IF affects every part of our lives, although I promise you in time (those dreaded words, I know)! things won't hurt as badly as they do for you right now.

You're here amongst friends and people who understand exactly where you're coming from hon.

With love and a great big  
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Hope,
First I am so sorry you have found your self in this position - and I know how awful it feels. It's like the whole world is merrily going round - and you are sat there stuck and hurting. And people can be so thoughtless - I can't tell you the number of times I have been in similar situations to the one you describe. People are just oblivious if they have not gone through it themselves. 
I remember thinking  'OMG if this carries on there will be no one I can be friends with without constantly putting myself through the wringer'. But that didn't happen. Some of my friends have had children and we have managed to stay friends. While it is true that many of my 'friends' couldn't manage this transition - there is hope because with some of my friends we have worked it out. I've been thinking about what the difference was that let this happen. I think it was that they acknowledged my position either by asking me, or I was brave enough to actually say something to them - before they put their foot in it. A mini heart to heart, just saying the obvious really (but it needs to be said). Also these particular friends are not 'baby bores' - ie they have other things they can talk about, their whole lives aren't focused on thier kids.
One friend in particular I want to point out - she was pregnant at the same time as me and had her little girl a month after mine would have been born. I though 'oh no - that's it for our friendship'. THis friend cried with me when she found out about my loss. She then DIDN'T send me any scan photos or new baby pics. When the baby was born she phoned and told me to take my time about coming to see her. I'm welling up now as I write, because she was just so thoughtful and 'got it right'. In the end I plucked up courage to see her and her baby and so glad that now I can enjoy her little girl - who is a PERSON to me, not a baby that I couldn't have. Meanwhile a friend who I thought was close sent me her baby's scan photo (I'd lost Grace just a month before) and later sent the birth announcement in with my birthday card (??!) I have never been able to go see her and her baby - and that was four years ago!
I guess after all my ramblings, I'm trying to say is that we need our friends to acknowledge our pain and then it is much easier to cope. Because life does go on and our hearts are big enough to love our friends' children - but they have to give us a little respect for our feelings. Not all people are naturally thoughtful, so perhaps we have to find a gentle way of speaking up about it. And I know it is hard - so when you're stronger huh? And you will have friends in the future - if not the old ones, then new ones will come into your life.
Bernie xxx


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## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Dear Hope and all that have posted

I can really relate to what your saying at the moment,  It is like reading my own thoughts on the page.  You now people really seem to rally around you when terrible things first happen then after a month or so they forget and they carry on with their own lives when your still hurting badly and i think people who havent been through it have no understanding at all and unfortunately my opinion is that some of them don't want to understand (talking from experience)  

I often feel that i sound really bitter when i say things like that but i have been fighting the tears so many times when a so called friend has made a insensitive comment.  I think the worse time was when a week after my miscarriage i got a text from this friend telling me she was pregnant!!!!!Now she wasn't just an accaintance I classed her as a really close friend........how wrong was i.  Its awful really because you do start isolating yourself and I really find it hard to make new friends i mean where do you start.  Also my friends that have children they all make new friends with other mothers and they seem to have more in common with them which makes me feel even more isolated!  

Coming on fertility friends has really helped me and i've made friends through people on here that do understand so keep posting.

love Lisa xx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Just wanted to give you all a much needed hug   can't add more than what has already been said but agree that it def makes all the difference when a friend does have that little bit of empathy with how you are feeling.. so sorry for your losses  
Cat x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Hopesprings,

Please forgive me for a short post, but i have been away for months and am just trying to catch up!

It seems to me that we have some friends who will stay with us while we travel the same path and more long lasting friends with whom we have enough in common that we can stay close to whatever our lives bring. 

I think Bernie's answer might be very helpful as it highlights how important it is to let go of the people who you no longer have a connection with and how it is important to work at the friendships that will last a lifetime.

Hoping you will find some new fiends here, as i have,

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

> Hoping you will find some new fiends here, as i have


I hope I'm your friend JQ, or should that be fiendish friend?  

Thinking of you Hope... 

Love
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Emcee,
you are more of an angel, even if you are taking the p*** out of my typos already! Love you lots!
Jq xox
PS Hope, stick with us and you will find fiendish friends here too!


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