# First BF letter shared with child.... not sure I've done the right thing



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi everyone
I feel cheeky to be even posting, when I only seem to dip in and out when I need advice nowadays. So I am sorry!

I had already decided this years letterbox would be the first to be shared with Missboo, and really the decision came to me because a) she's started to mention BF a little more and asks the odd random question, and b) because she's reading and writing now (she's almost 6), it seems only fair that I include her in what I write.

The letterbox arrived this morning (I dreaded opening it as usual). By the time she was home from school, I had absorbed the contents of the letter and was feeling less anxious about it. I didn't tell her it had arrived, I just thought I'd keep it as casual as possible so that it comes across as no big deal.
She was watching tv with her Dad and sister and I'd just put the pasta on for tea. I asked her if she wanted to see the letter that I'd got today, and so she followed me up the stairs and we sat down. I asked her if she remembers mummy talking about sending a letter every year to birthmum and getting one back, and she'd said yes. And so I said to her "well X (Birthmum's name) has sent her letter today so I didn't know if you'd like to know what she says?"  She said yes and asked if there were any photos, so I showed her the photos first. She didn't know anyone in the pictures, so I was pointing the people out to her and she promptly said "And I was in that tummy?" and said "yes you were but not in this picture" - to which she replied "So where am I then?" - expecting to see herself in the family portrait.  
I cuddled her and said "well you're here aren't you?" - she proceeded to go through the rest of the pics and making comments like "I used to like that dog, I remember stroking it" -well obviously it's not a true memory, but perhaps one that she wishes she had. 
I read parts of the letter to her and she wasn't all that interested, and said "are we having garlic bread tonight? Yummy!" 


I am a protective mum and want whatever's best for my children, and although I want to be open and honest with them both and help them with whatever they want help with in the future, I suddenly feel like I'm sinking. I all of sudden knew that my little girl is trying to fit herself into that other family in her mind. She knows her story so far, but upto now that's all it's been, a fictional story. And then silly mummy shows her a photograph of a real life family that she was once part of, and I know that when her little mind gets working on it, she will be wondering why she's here with us, and not there with them. 

We've made a concious decision to not mention anymore about it, or them unless she comes and asks us. She's still so very young and I know questions and information will come out drip by drip over time. I just feel like I've opened a box and now I can't put the lid back on it quick enough.

The main concern I have at the moment, is Missboo is a chatterbox and will talk about anything and everything to absolutely anyone who will listen. So most probably she will mention BF to someone at school tomorrow and might be telling her friends what her siblings are called etc.
It is such a scary time, and I do feel a bit alone with this one.


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## Guest (May 6, 2009)

I just wanted to say that i think you are clearly a wonderful and sensitive mother. I often worry about telling DS about his 'father' but there is obviously so many more issues when you have adopted your children. I know I cannot give you any of my own experiences in this but I thought the way you had shown DD the letter was very beautiful. I hope someone with more experience can give you some good advice


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi Ever  

Firstly dont ever say you are being cheeky by posting to ask for advice as that is what we are all here for 

Big  to you as I can tell in your post that you are feeling fragile about it all 

I am in the position that K had contact with birth family until last summer ( while a foster child still) and also has seen pics which were giving to him by a sw when they shouldnt have been! and I know that the pics blew him out of the water! I am guessing that missyboo is all confused in her head as she has seen pics. That must be a big thing for her to get her head around at the moment. When she has had time to digest it she may well not even mention it again. As we know each child is different. 
Sometimes ( not very often at all now) K will say something like you are my new mummy now , which people ask me if that hurts etc. All I do is just respond with something such as yes I am and continue with what we were doing and then moment then seems to pass.
I would just pop the pics away etc for now and only mention it if she brings something up. Then just treat it all casually with her , even if you are finding it really hard. 
Is she old enough to understand that they couldnt look after her due to x or x ? As if she brings it up again, maybe you could just say something along the lines of remember you came to us because of x etc ?

Sorry advice a bit rubbish but felt I had to reply and send you a 

xx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thank you ladies.

I have packed it all away in her special box now, for the future and just wait for her to digest and ask questions when she wants to.

No-one has ever said when  the best time to share letterbox is, and how much to share.
Missboo has always drawn a picture or something to go to birthmum and she's always been told where it's going. As for the letterbox we receive, I have never made her aware of it's contents before.
So maybe I've gone in too strong with this first one, I didn't know what to do. I just know that I didn't want to hide it all away from her and suddenly at the age of 10 or something, she finds out and then it's all been some big secret from her - when infact the letters are addressed to her, so shouldn't be a secret.

Can any other adopters tell me at what age they've shared letterbox with their children and how much involvement they make??


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## lambklly2 (Nov 1, 2005)

Hi Ever Ive not posted on the adoption bit before but felt I should reply to your post   

I know exactly how you feel, last year when I got BM's first contact letter I debated wether or not to show and read it to my daughter Fifi who had just turned 5 but once I had read it I thought it was a lovely letter so decided to share it with her along with the letters was a picture of her new baby sister and she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling at me and cuddling me, I think that look in her face was telling me she was so happy i had shared this with her and that she could speak to me about anything, it did make me feel quite sad inside that she was talking so much about when she is bigger she will find her BM and live with her, But then I thought she is only 5 she still doesn't really understand it all properly yet and that she is going to be as big as me when she finds her BM, I do talk to her quite often about adoption so I do think she is getting a better understanding of it all as she is growing, she is nearly 6 now and I have just written my second contact letter to BM and I asked her if she would like me to write something to her BM from her and she said yes so I have written exactly what she wanted me to put, it's a little funny and mixed up bless her but it was nice, the only thing i didn't write was a question from her to BM 'do you have a nice wardrobe and table' and will i like them lol bless her cotton socks   
Basically what I'm trying to say is I wasn't sure if it was the right thing but 1 year down the line I am glad I did share the letters with Fifi as I think she feels more at ease with asking questions about BM and talking about her and her being adopted.
I am not saying this is right for everyone but It has worked for us, We also have a son (Fifi's brother) but he has just turned 4 and cannot remember as much as Fifi and feel it definatly is not the right time to share letters with him, Fifi and Digger are totally different so I'm not sure yet when it will be a good time for Digger.

LOL I hope I have made sense, I'm not very good at explaining things in writing ha ha I'm more of a vocal person

 hugs 

K xxxxx


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

ever  

i'm a novice as my boys have only been here since january - they were having face-to-face contact till december when they had their goodbye contact and so i thought i would share as we went along as they 'know' who BM is 

in february the SW said BM has phoned and can you write your letterbox? - i thought long and hard as it was supposed to be january (giving us 11 months to settle them in before doing it) and decided we would sit down together to do it. we looked at their life story books and FC photo albums which just live in a drawer in our lounge....

scoop doesn't say much as he's little   but dizzy looked at her picture and said Mummy X......so i said shall we make some pictures for mummy X and got the paints etc out......as we painted i just talked briefly about remember when you lived with FC and went to see mummy X......he looked quite blank actually but like you i dont' want any surprises aged 10!

we had a letter back last week! BM wrote lovely letter and included a photo. She signed it X rather than mummy which i think was very brave of her to do. we wrote mummy x on her's   when dizzy saw the picture he smiled and said Mummy X so i think he remembered our conversation in february...

anyways - that was my longwinded way of saying little and often.....i think like a dripping tap is best. she will probably talk about it a little over the next few days but then it will wear off as life gets back to normal   

oh scoop is almost 2 and dizzy almost 4. 

ritz


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ever

No real advice hun but just wanted to say I think you have handled it well and opened up a great line of communication between you and Missboo, you should be very proud of yourself!  

Re: the photos, it must be very confusing for children to be shown a photo of their birth family and to grasp what it all means and reading your post has made me wonder about my DS's lifestory book and when I should show it to him.  We have only just had it but there is a section about his birth family and as he is only 3 yrs old I wonder what he will make of it all.  Part of me thinks its better to show him now and for him to be able to look at it and talk whenever he wants but part of me wonders whether at 3 it is too soon to be showing him the photos  The last thing I want is to unsettle him but also don't want it to be a surprise when he is older.  At the moment I talk to him about his FC and when we met him, going to court and his adoption party but I guess its showing the photos that worry me the most as then they become 'real'.

Do any agencies give any decent advice on this?  We are put through so much to check we are 'good enough' but seems very little is done to help us 'tell'.

OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Ever, I have the same problem as you two kids and not enough hours in the day to get on-line  

I started sharing postbox with DS when he turned 4.  It is normally just a brief note, a birthday card and sometimes a photo.  I was concerned about showing the last one because starting school had brought out some issues with DS and the note informed us of the arrival of a new sibling.  Like Missyboo he didn't seem particularly interested although his behaviour later in the day was not good so I think it provoked some anxieties.  I will continue to be open and show him any postbox contact in the future and also the photo album we hold if he asks, but I won't discuss it unless he brings up the subject.  He is finding life hard enough as it is at the moment wthout adding extra things for him to worry about.  I told the psychologist we are seeing that this was my intention and she agreed that it was the best course for us at this time.  I don't think it is going to be a factor for DD which might provoke different problems in the future.

My attitude is that we as parents know our children best and we do what is best for them to the best of our abilities.

God I really need a thesaurus  

love
Cindy


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi

Just wanted to say I think you have done the right thing so try not to worry too much. We have not had relpys as yet to show pooh bear who is 4 but he has seen pictures of Birth family in life story book. I showed him this about a year ago age 3 and half . We are due to do pinkys 1st letterbox with birth gran and sib and am expecting reply which i will find strange and she is only 2 so more than likely save it till she is older

PBMx


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

http://www.plymouth.gov.uk/homepage/socialcareandhealth/childrenssocialcare/adoptionandfostering/adoption/existingadoptiveparents/adoptionmanual/speakingaboutadoption.htm#preschool

Thought this was a very good site regarding this

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks Mummyof2 for that link, it makes very good reading, and will help and guide a lot of people in our situation.


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