# Bad Day



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I'm having one! Every time I think I'm finally 'getting there' and balanced out, something happens and I realise I'm still not where I want to be as a mum. Some days I wonder if I'm cut out for it at all, on others I think I've morphed into Mary Poppins and have nailed it. The magical three month point has passed and although things are going pretty well all round, some days I just wonder if I'm cut out for being a mum at all.

Anyone else want to join me for a slice of self-pity pie?


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww mummy elf ((hugs)),

We've all been there. You probably feel little pixie has never been anywhere different but some days I caught myself and thght jeez!! Being a parent is hard we all know that but adoptive parents tend to have it harder. So for the one taking the leave it can feel really overwhelming (I've had friends with BC and at that point they admitted the following and I had to agree.

2/3 months in you have a routine, your coping with less sleep & lack of me time, adjusting to the responsibility placed on you BUT you do wonder if you've lost a bit of you. I loved being a mummy but found the loss if my identity (work was important to me). At this point I needed to get done me time - see friends without LO if poss anything to remind if being me and LO coped and actually helped I feel.

Just try and not beat yourself up - no one is Mary poppins that's one reasons nurseries are still full even though child are costs soar. Another friend of mine is a nursery nurse and still has moments where she loses it with her two & shouts. 

Harsh knowing others feel the same at times
X


----------



## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Big hugs MuumyElf   I can't offer any advice as not a Mummy yet, but would just say write today off & start again tomorrow. 

I can join in your Self-pity pie though .....I had a SHOCKING day at work yesterday, but had a glass of wine last, chat to hubby & soak in the bath & today has been so much better! I also got upset with SW this week as we get to the end of our HS and frustrated of how many loops we have to jump through! So had afew bad days, but just thinking long term (for me that's having our LO next year) and for you that might be looking back at how far you have come these past 3 months & looking forward to the next 3 months and the many adventures you'll be having with little Elf   you are doing a wonderful amazing job, just sometimes needs someone else to tell you - which is us lovely ladies


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys. Just feeling pretty rubbish today and have had a row with my sister whom I really close to - she kept checking on my LO napping and woke her up in the process which really got to me as (a) it's my job to check and (b) once woken from a nap she won't drop off again and had only had half a nap meaning a tricky afternoon for me with a tired , whiney LO. She's a great aunty, really the best, but sometimes she forgets who LO belongs to x


----------



## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi guys hope u dont mind me butting in! First of all wanna say ur all doing a fantastic job. I too want to adopt eventually whether or not we have a baby thru current or nxt yrs icsi and i havd been shocked by some of the things ive heard about adopting from"wouldnt do it as the child might grow up to have sthg wrongf with it" to "wouldnt do it in case i ended up not liking the chil" And to think these people have kids now....! Anyway am on my 2ww now and got 4 days left to test so am wondering how long do i need to leave a fail treatment before i can start looking into adopting? How long does the whole process take? thnx and carry on being amazing mummies!!!


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mummy elf - totally recognise that feeling (those were the days that were hardest not the caring part but days when you were over analysing or annoyed as someone upset you as it did point out the difference I think)

My own mum was quite similar to your sister in the early dats (actually still can be), I've had to work all the time around her to back off and remind her who's mum. It's made me look overly protective but lil man and his relationship to mum & dad us the most important one and thankfully it's working. Still makes us grrr (even though we understand their actions most of the time).

You're doing great and tomorrow is another day (after LO has had a sound sleep)
X


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Tone

Good luck in the 2ww - I hope you are successful! 

I think the required amount of time to wait after a failed treatment is 6 months from what I've read many times on this site.

The adoption process length varies but they are trying to get people through more quickly now. Ours took 6 months but I think 8-12 months is standard, we were very fortunate.

A lot of people have some strange views about adoption, all I can say is most people I've heard speak that way speak from ignorance and need educating. Adopted children are no different to any other child - they've had a rocky start and need a mummy and daddy. They could just as easily have a child with 'something wrong with it' as they put it (awful phrase!) naturally and those children with additional needs are often recognised to have these early on as children in care are under the watchful eye of doctors to spot potential issues so that adopters have as much information as possible and the child's needs can be met as thoroughly as possible. You could say adopters have a more thorough overview of their child's health than those with birth children; I certainly have an extremely detailed picture of my own littlie. 

Good luck on your journey, whichever way it takes you.

MummyElf


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

GERTIE179 said:


> Mummy elf - totally recognise that feeling (those were the days that were hardest not the caring part but days when you were over analysing or annoyed as someone upset you as it did point out the difference I think)
> 
> My own mum was quite similar to your sister in the early dats (actually still can be), I've had to work all the time around her to back off and remind her who's mum. It's made me look overly protective but lil man and his relationship to mum & dad us the most important one and thankfully it's working. Still makes us grrr (even though we understand their actions most of the time).
> 
> ...


Thank you! X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

MummyElf you are a fab Mummy x x x x


----------



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Mummy Elf - yes I'll have a (rare) slice of self-pity pie please!

It's 2 weeks now until I meet my LO for the first time and I'm having major confidence issues about my capability as a mother.  

It's so wobbly around here I feel like I'm made of jelly. 

I'm not sleeping and worrying about whether I'll be able to cope / be a good mum / do the 'right' things - I think visions of Mary Poppins / any seemingly 'together' celebrity mother (think Gwyneth Paltrow) / 1950s housewives who bake and have immaculately turned out children don't help. 

I've just finished reading the kindle version of the latest Bridget Jones - not sure if you like that kind of thing, but it might be worth a read - I'm going to be a single 'older' mum and a lot of what she goes through in the novel resonated / made me smile. 

On the one hand I'm giddy with excitement - on the other hand, I can't believe it's actually happening.  And if I had a third hand, I'd say I'm scared witless  

I don't think anything prepares you for the roller-coaster of emotions - and that's BEFORE your LO even moves in!  

From what I've read in your posts, you're doing a great job.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day


----------



## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

mummy elf u r  so right! thanks for ur reply   
Personally i cannot wait to be a mummy wherever the chikd came from! The world needs special people like u guys so carry on doing wot ur doing! ps all mums have wobbles, its normal, njoy this special time xxx


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

SummerTilly said:


> Mummy Elf - yes I'll have a (rare) slice of self-pity pie please!
> 
> It's 2 weeks now until I meet my LO for the first time and I'm having major confidence issues about my capability as a mother.
> 
> ...


I'm a massive Bridget Jones fan - sounds like a great read, I must get my paws on it!

It's true...we all have images of the sort of mum we'll be, prettily flushed from baking bread in the kitchen before sitting on the floor to play a game, all smiles and patience. The reality is somewhat less glossy and I find my patience unbearably thin some days, so much so I feel utterly ashamed of myself. I think the complete lack of 'me time' combined with tiredness takes it toll....children are naturally self-absorbed, it's all about them, and upon discussion with DH we reached the conclusion that we were both very selfish people until we got married...and then some (a lot) in my case! In fact I am still selfish which is why I find some days so hard when I just want five minutes peace but have a toddler attached to my leg whimpering all day


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

MummyElf said:


> It's true...we all have images of the sort of mum we'll be, prettily flushed from baking bread in the kitchen before sitting on the floor to play a game, all smiles and patience. The reality is somewhat less glossy and I find my patience unbearably thin some days, so much so I feel utterly ashamed of myself. I think the complete lack of 'me time' combined with tiredness takes it toll....children are naturally self-absorbed, it's all about them, and upon discussion with DH we reached the conclusion that we were both very selfish people until we got married...and then some (a lot) in my case! In fact I am still selfish which is why I find some days so hard when I just want five minutes peace but have a toddler attached to my leg whimpering all day


This is so true! Hubby and I are very selfish, we've really only had to think about ourselves all this time and tbh, I have always been quite selfish with my time so it's a massive adjustment! Children of a certain age are very self absorbed, mini psychopaths I call them! They don't have empathy for a while and it's all about them, never mind how much you understand that, it can still be hard on anyone to have to give, give, give and get nothing in return. I keep telling myself it will come.

And I have had days when I have been thoroughly ashamed of myself, feel like a compete failure, but I never want our son to go away, despite how hard it is and how awful I feel I know he is ours and he's always going to be here... iyswim? I knew that even before I loved him, when it was like babysitting for someone else, for a child you hardly knew.

It does get better, routine has been my saviour and keeping busy. This afternoon we went to a nice soft play, one not tooooo big as to be scary but not too small to be boring and they also do nice coffee! I had coffee while BB wore himself out running around in a nice, safe environment. Heavenly to have some time to sit and be still!!


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Everything you say resonates with me MAK!! If only LO was walking, soft play would be the ideal location. I'm willing her to walk


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mummy Elf - w found a few soft plays that had babies/toddler specific areas and these were great pre walking as he LO was happy to climb or slide and it helps their physicality anyway. Likely that once LO has first steps she'll take a bit of time before she walks outside until the confidence is there so just in case your looking at a while. 
Just an option


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

yeah go to soft play anyway..they dont have to be walking to bimble about and enjoy themselves and like Gertie says lots of them have dedicated areas for littlies


you're still in early days of adjusting to your new life..its so very different from the way is portrayed in books/mags/media/ads...parenting isnt to do with lifestyle and the pretty pretty stuff..its a serious damn hard job! in time you will find your stride with it all but it can feel very rocky while you're adjusting


kj x


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Forgot to say our local one has a mums & toddlers morning once a week with free cuppa. Means you are more likely to get a bit of adult company which even with a stranger makes the day feel better
Hope today is better for you x


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys! We have done one soft play shortly into placement and it did go down fairly well but I think she'd find it more fun now as she's so very close to taking those first steps...but I understand they revert back to crawling for a while afterwards etc so I have a while to go.

Struggling a lot with self-doubt / guilt I'm not good enough at the minute. It's so much harder as an adopter - you feel you should be getting it right because you've jumped through so many hoops to get here and I often say I'm not good enough and should give her back....DH has said he'll bop me on the nose if I say it once more


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

DH is right you should never feel that way.  It is so hard as an adopter for many but two very big reasons. 1. No one else round you actually has done what you are doing.  It's like treading a path alone people maybe supportive but it isn't the same as someone who has done exactly what you are doing.  Most new mums have this all around them.  2. People also tend to think a bit well you moaned about not being a mun so now you are you need to be constantly grateful.  Wrong having a tough day or are struggling with something.  All new and older mums feel this way.  You are doing fantastically and everyone has days like these x x x x


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you DIY, and all of you lovely ladies.....not sure what I'd do without my virtual buddies! Xx


----------



## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Hugs my dear! You posted on my thread made me smile. Sending hugs back x


----------



## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

MummyElf, don't be so hard on yourself! You are only a few months into placement so still very early days. I am a year into my lo being placed with us and he was 15 months at the time. I had so many mixed feelings in those early months and so did lo! I would say it took a good 6 months before lo was really settling  and starting to blossom and for me to actually feel like his mum and to really build an attachment with him. Another 6 months on and we are a year in and all doing brilliantly. Our lo was meant to be, we love him to bits and life wouldn't be the same without him now. Just concentrate on the positives, how far you have come in the last few months and how much you have had to cope with, you are doing an amazing job


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hope things are feeling better ME. We are coming up to the 5 month mark and although some days I feel like things have 'clicked' other days I feel like I need a huge cave to climb into and hide. Sometimes I really do feel like its 3 steps forward and 1 step back so please, please don't feel you are alone. It is bloody hard work  - and that doesn't take away 1 ounce of the love I feel for little man, he's my world, but some days! Be gentle on yourself coz I don't think kids really want Mary popins. They want a real mum, one that gets dirty, one that gets things right and one that gets things wrong! (That's what I keep telling myself anyway !) xxx


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you watakerfuffle & flash - both posts really resonate with me! I think I'll print this thread off and read it on my bad days to remind myself we all have them and I'm not a wicked person just because some days being a mum feels too hard!x


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

elfie, you're an ace mum i'm sure 

i've had some bad days too! master c always grows horns on mondays, i think its because daddy has gone back to work and he thinks he can push it.  a couple of weeks ago i was rushing about trying to get mr c a birthday present, master c was pushing _all_ my buttons, threw every bit of his lunch on the floor, wouldn't nap, wouldn't let me play with him. i ended up throwing him in the buggy and going for a run, i was nearly crying i was so frustrated. and he sulked the entire time. then as soon as daddy came home he was charm himself. nearly throttled the miserable little toad.

we've got over that though, but even now, im not beyond watching tv over his head while he plays or sneakily looking at the 'pooter. i cant interact with him non stop every hour he's awake. you wouldnt do this with your partner would you? right now i'm on here and mr c is on his xbox, but it doesnt matter we're not chatting directly, we're in each other's company 

i dont know anyone who does non stop baking/craft activities/heuristic play/baby yoga tbh, and i don't think i'd want to be friends with the person who did, she sounds a colossal bore 

be kind to yourself. your bond can only get better as you get to know each other


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Bit late, but hope you're feeling better now.  Bad days come to us all, and getting out and about can really help.

Soft play is absolutely fine pre-walking, you just need to go round with them.  Some Mummies seem to get to sit down and have a cuppa when they get a bit older, but don't count on it!  I don't think I had too many illusions about being a Mummy, but there's always something that isn't how you thought.  I think for me, I was OK with the idea of kids that may not learn easily, but really struggled with the reality of a child that wanted to know everything, but refused to let me teach her.  Also, I would love to have the bathroom to myself one day, and I just never imagined myself trying to pee and change a tampon with one child emptying the bin on the floor or lift the toilet seat I am *sitting on, and the other trying to get a good look at my bum to see what's going on.  We all have things we're precious about, even people who think they're pretty practical.  

Have you got any local toddler groups?  If your kids are at the pre-walking stage it can be a bit daunting because everyone's all babies, and when did they do this, and have they done this yet, and are you still breast feeding, and what was the labour like etc, but you can dodge it if you want to by being vague and asking them.  I think I have finally realised that there are times when it's good to get company, even if it's not really the company I may have chosen.

*Edited: For a truly unfortunate typo!


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Haha- I can only imagine what the typo was!

Katie I'm with you - after 3 days reflection I've decided to stop trying to be supermum, and just be 'mum'. Its the constant pressure with adopted children for me - like, we've been chosen to look after a child with a tricky start, so the days I lose my temper a bit or feel impatient or fed up or am just a bit of a cow to be around, I worry I'm doing irretrievable damage   

Wyxie - I have indeed braved toddler groups and go to 1 or 2 a week. In one of the groups some of them know she's adopted (via a third party, I probably wouldn't have told people but hey ho) but in the other no one does. Those I speak to will end up knowing anyway though when I rock up with a new baby in a few weeks time, it will be kind of obvious then, or just very confusing for them  

I'll be honest I don't let LO in the toilet with me and haven't since day one, she's totally fine about it, initially she minded but I persevered and she's cool with it. I've decided with baby no.2 that whatever I want to be our routine happens from day one, and we'll push through the tears, and I'm doing this with my little girl already and it's amazing how quickly the protests stop when she realises I'm not budging on something and she just amuses herself with something instead.  I'm quite physically private and so my shower / bathroom activities are my own....having her gawping at me showering in the first week wasn't for me


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

It's good that she comes round quickly, it makes things much easier.  I think it's a lot easier to get babies into routines than toddlers.  Bladelet is quite manageable, and if he grumbles about something, I can work round it and he gets the message eventually.  Unfortunately, Wyxling is not so easy to manage, particularly when distressed.


----------

