# A little advice - do we have a chance?



## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

I wondered if I could get a little advice from anyone on here who can maybe help with our situation.

Sorry in advance for the long post, but thought it best to give the full picture.

We always said we would only do 3 rounds of IVF, and a few weeks ago sadly got a BFN on our 3rd and final go.  I always said I would like to adopt if it didn't work out for us, as there are so many children who need a home, and we thought we could give one.  Everything is still a little raw, and I'm wanting to take everything one step at a time, but before I start to think about moving on, I'm starting to fear that we may not be able to adopt, so wanted to ask if anyone knows if this situtation will prevent us - before I start to move on in this direction (if that makes sense!)

My DP's parents split when he was about 5 years old.  He was neglected by his mum, and even at that early age knew he would be safer and happier with his dad.  Thankfully the court allowed him to live with his dad, and stepmum, and they then had a son, so he also had a half brother.  His mum kept custody of his sister, and she went on to have 3 more sons in an abusive relationship.

DP and I have always tried to be there for these other 3 half brothers of his.  About 6 years ago, things got really bad.  The dad finally abandoned them all.  The neglect from her became even worse, she became an alcoholic, and tried to take her life a couple of times (more cries for help).  DP and I offered a home to the youngest and oldest (then about 9 and 13), but they chose not to (they live in a different part of the country and wanted to stay there).  We didn't think it would work if they didn't want to move.  The middle brother, then about 12, was fostered by his friends family.  Despite some upset, he has done really well because of this, and looks up to DP (the father he never had), and now at 18 is doing really well.  However, the youngest, was taken into care and lived with a foster family.  We don't know the full details, as for various reasons, and for his own sanity (and after the realisation he couldn't help her) DP stopped talking to his mum.  He did well with the foster family, went to school, but for some reason went to live back home, and since then, as far as we can see, has stopped going to school.  He's 15 now.

Then the other night we heard from the middle brother that the youngest had been arrested for drunken disorder and stealing a bike.  

I know it sounds very selfish (and I hope you don't think me so) to ask this, but I have waffled on long enough about the situation, so I won't waffle on as to the emotional jounrey we have also been on and the guilt we feel about it all - but my question is will social services reject us because of DP's mum (and now younger brother) - even though he hasn't spoken to her for at least 3 years.

Thanks for any thoughts, advice comments.  I just need to know before I start even the beginnings of a new journey.


----------



## laura0308 (Apr 17, 2009)

Hi Aubergine,

I am sorry to hear of your struggle.

I think your best course of action will be to talk to SW at your local LA.  I don't think they will hold this against you as long as you can show that DP's mum will not have access to your adopted children.  I am sure DP will be able to explain the situation and show that the insight this has given him will only make him a more open and understanding adoptive parent.

I wish you the best of luck with your journey.

L


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi aubergine,

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your bfn, I know how tough that is having been through 3 myself   

In answer to your questions, I am not a social worker but having gone through the adoption process I can offer my opinion on how they may look at things.
The only issue SS may have is if any of your DP's relations could pose a threat at all to any future child of yours. If you do decide to pursue adoption the best thing you can do in this regard is to be as open and honest with them as possible.

The other point is that during your assessment they will cover every part of your lives, past, present and future and will also want to thoroughly cover the subject of how your DP's relationships with his parents etc have shaped him as an adult and how this would in turn affect his parenting and being able to effectively parent an adopted child with all the complexities that this involves. They would want to know whether he has any unresolved issues that could interfere with him being able to offer an adopted child all that they need emotionally and therapeutically.
I would also say on this note that this part of the process could be quite hard and painful for your DP   as they really do want to discuss everything in detail, some sessions are almost like therapy!  

On a positive note, I doubt they would look at the history itself as a problem as this in turn could mean that your DP has a greater understanding of some of the many tough and heartbreaking issues that adopted children have to face and work through.
It would mainly be the safety of a future child/children and how your DP has dealt with his difficult childhood that they will most likely want to cover (as mentioned above).

I'm sorry if this all sounds a bit heavy  , but I would imagine those are the areas they would most likely explore. It really is quite a full on and intrusive process (although so very very worth it of course  ).
If your DP is forewarned of this he then may find it easier to discuss all of his family history and their current situation in detail, as will most likely be required. 
From what you have said in your post I would imagine they really will pick things to pieces just to make sure everything is covered.  .
As I'm sure you can imagine though, the children they are placing for adoption have often already been through so much and SS will understandably want to do everything they can to ensure that the adoptive families they are placed into will not expose them to any further situation/environment that will cause them any further harm.    

All LA's/VA's are different though and will vary greatly in how they deal with various concerns.
I would also add a very important point that most will want you to have had 6-12 months (again they vary) gap between your last treatment ending before they even entertain your application for adoption.  

Lastly, we all have something, or even a few things that we have thought will possibly prevent us from adopting or will be an issue once going through the adoption process. I know we did, and so many of my friends who have adopted would say the same but in the end it's really strange how the issues that we worry about turn out to not bother SS at all! It's usually something else (that we hadn't even thought of or see as an issue at all that they raise as a problem!    )

Lots and lots of luck with whatever you decide to do, and once again I'm so sorry about your bfn  

Anj x


----------



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi,

Gosh, you're head must really be spinning with all of this.  

My only advice would be to be absolutely comfortable with the SW you deal with.  Literally, shop around and decide who will offer you most support and understanding.  

Like you we also have quite a complex background, including a birth child, DH Ex wife, and a family adoption that went wrong!!! After speaking to 3 LA's  we finally decided to work with a VA who were interested in us as parents/potential adoptive parents and wanted to take time to understand our strenths as a family.  

Our Homestudy took longer than most, 8 months, we finally go to panel on 17th May . We do feel that they had the time to understand us rather than focus on "issues" that could get in the way.

The right SW will want to see the positives you have to offer.  Be prepared for lots of in depth discussion about your experience and what you have learned.  These things are the reason you are likely to make wonderful parents.

Very best of luck. Don't give up.


----------



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi,

Just to clarify,  the failed adoption was a member of our extended family whose adoption broke down . Just didn't want anybody to get the wrong idea.  

Jules


----------



## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I know that I won't be able to apply for at least another 6 months, and am quite glad of this, as think we have a lot to work though.  But am starting to think about whether I need to be grieving not being able to have my own child, or grieving not being able to have chn at all - if that makes sense  

Your comments have been very positive.  I had read some comments, on ff I think, where by people had said that their mum / dad having another child in care went against them adopting. Also that if a family member had a criminal record, that also went against them, so I was beginning to think we had no chance.

DP is not in contact with his mam, and any child we adopted would not meet her.  She does occasionally text - either to have a go or to ask him to help out financially with his brothers or nan.  He never replies, but he can't cut his brothers out.  Would that be a problem do you think - especially with the youngest one (who will potentially now have a criminal record)?  He has always said to them that he is there for them if they need him - and is in close contact with the middle one.  He hardly ever hears from the other 2 though, but there is always that chance they will need his help for something.

I guess its like you've said, we should be honest with the SWs, and be prepared to go through everything.  Luckily DP has been having counselling, so he will be used to going through it all and answering frank questions, albeit in a different setting!

The only other question I have, is will the SW want to get in touch with his mam?

Jules - good luck for 17 May!  

And thank you all again


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi again aubergine,

In answer to your question about contact, I think all you can do is be prepared that they might want to contact your DP's Mum, this may be by form of a letter, phone call or in person, but then again they may decide it isn't necessary. It's hard to say as it really does depend on how your sw feels about the situation once she/he has heard all the facts etc.
Not exactly the same thing but one of our friends from our prep course had been abused by his Dad as a child and initially his sw wanted to contact his Dad, this caused our friend a lot of stress (as he had had no contact since he was an early teen!). I'm not sure of the details of course and how he turned things around but after further discussion their sw later decided that it wasn't really necessary after all and took the matter no further.

As you probably know they always want to contact ex-spouses/ex-significant partners (mainly to ensure that there is no lingering situation lurking in the background that could pose a threat to a future child placed with you). If there were no children involved it is usually just by letter/questionnaire form. They may decide they want to contact a member of your DP's family for this reason.
It's so hard to say though as we have quite a few friends that have adopted and we were all dealt with quite differently in some areas, even those of us with the same LA, it really does depend on how your assigned sw feels about things during your HS.

The main point though is that if your sw feels that any of your DP's family pose even the slightest threat to a future child (even if you feel 100% that they don't) they will want to investigate a little further.

I agree about needing the 6 month break btw, you are very sensible in already accepting that, as although a far more positive experience than IVF, the adoption assessment process is quite full-on and at times quite stressful. After going through the stresses and pain of a failed IVF you really do need a break between these 2 processes. We waited about a year and made sure we took some time out from it all, we went on holiday, got quite a bit done around the house and well and truly 'took stock' of everything. We really felt it did us good.
By the time we started the ball rolling with the adoption process we were 100% ready, focused and excited about the future. 
It takes a while to get to that point but you do get there and things do start to make more sense   

A bit further down the line we are now at a place where we are glad that our IVF's didn't work, and see it as truly 'meant to be' as otherwise we wouldn't have our beautiful, wonderful little boy and we wouldn't want to change things for the world.  

Once again, lots of luck with whatever you decide to do   

Anj x


----------



## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I don't see there's any reason you wouldn't be approved and I don't think they will want to see his mum.  I'm not sure I would mention the incident which might have led to a criminal conviction but would be very open about everything else. We actually told our sw about an incident regarding our neice, and she said not to worry and she wouldn't put it in the PAR.


----------



## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

Thanks again ladies.  I am now starting to realise how much its really down to the SW!  Though I think I had an idea, just thought these things might have certain procedures.

Am also thinking that we may be possible adopters, which helps me to think of what my path will need to be over the next few months, and what I need to do to accept our situation, knowing that when I am ready I can start to think about that potential path.

Anjelissa - that was really lovely what you said about your situation.  So positive, and such a great way of looking at how things have turned out for you


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Awww thank you    

I truly do believe that the big/significant things in life happen for a reason.
I suppose applying that logic is how I have long since come to terms with my infertility.  
It has proven itself to be true now though as even down to timing of starting the adoption process and delays that we had along the way, all of it was leading to us being in the right place at the right time to be able to be a Mummy and Daddy to our little man. His court case was finalised the very week we were approved and we were then linked with him the following week. Had anything been any different along the way he may have been linked to other adopters.
Very strangely and spookily he is also the spitting image of my DH   , more so than had he been born to us (people who aren't in 'the know' are always saying wow, he's a chip off the old block' isn't he!)  . 
We are so very blessed to be his Mummy and Daddy, he is the light of our life, we love him to pieces and I really mean it when I say I am glad now that we were unable to have a birth child.
If it were to happen in the future (which it wont) of course we would be thrilled, but what I mean is we are so glad that the path fate lead us down brought us to our little man.
I have a few close friends who have adopted who I know would say they feel the same.

The point I wanted to get across is that if you do decide to follow the path of adoption and however big a mountain you may feel you have to climb down that road with all the obstacles that may cause you problems, the final destination is really worth every bit of that journey  

Lots and lots of luck,

Anj x


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Best of good luck, Aubergine - I think you can get there and have a really healthy and sensible attitude.    ((((hugs))))

Anjelissa, I love your posts.


----------

