# preg. friends



## twelveangels (May 24, 2013)

hi everyone,  i am 27 years old and all of my friends are starting their families.  they invite me to babie showers and ect. but i just cant bring myself to go it hurts to much anyone have any ideas how to get over this jelous and unfairnes feeling?


----------



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi twelveangels,

The feelings you have are all natural so its a good idea not to bottle them up - by all means have a rant in here with us - we totally understand your upset  

For me - if I feel I am not in the right place to deal with such an event - I dont go!  Its only going to upset me more so I avoid the  situation and just make my excuses.  If on the other hand I am feeling a little stronger - I will go but only stay for as long as I feel I can.  If people are aware of your situation it makes it easier and if they are not then a little white lie doesnt hurt  

At the end of the day its not fair and you have every reason to be jealous and sadly we have no magic wand to make things better.  but we do have each other in here so as I say please do come and have a rant as and when you need to  

Love

Debs xxx


----------



## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi twelve angels, 
I totally agree with last poster in that you have to be kind to yourself whilst you are on this if. journey.
I have tried to be open with my friends, but in honesty nobody really gets it and I suppose I cannot blame them. 
I have found that it does get easier, and I have tried to stay in contact via texts and told many white lies. At the back of mind, I am trying to think about the long term, I do not want to be old and lonely as well as childless ...
If they perceive your need for space as jealousy , then that is there problem (I lost my best friend over this). The truth is that they are going on this amazing journey which you perhaps fully expected to share with them. Sitting on the sidelines is isolating and painful, so I think it is only natural that we do not want to stand and watch. Sometimes, I often think that if I had lost a living child, ppl would be a bit more understanding.. Instead I get stupid texts like 'good news, you're gonna be an auntie' from one of my closest friends who herself has had a miscarriage and has seen my tears.  I don't know, in some ways negotiating my friendships has been the worse part of this journey....x anyway, just wanted to say that I get it!


----------



## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

I know exactly how u feel..a friend of mine knows about our 3 failed attempts at IUI and still called me up afew weeks ago to tell me her 'great' news! She was so excited about it..but I just didnt feel I could share it with her..the feeling of 'its not fair' just kept coming up
Am finding it so hard to even text her at the moment but then I also don't want to lose a good friendship..any advice on how i should deal with this would be really helpful😊
Thank u ladies x


----------



## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi ive been goin thru this for 18yrs nw and its so tough dealing with other ppls pgs, i find i cant deal at all with the pgs but once the baby is born im fine again i have no prob interacting with them then although insensitive women who keep dropping comments about their family life ect get dropped , i have narrowed my friend pool over the years but strangely enough the friends i have left are the ones who have no idea of my issues and just think i dont want kids that situation works better for me as i can forgive tactless comments from them whereas i expect those who know my situation to be more considerate (which they are not). There are no easy solutions but its better to protect yourself as afterall they are the ones who have it all anyway. Rosebud


----------



## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you rosebud, your advise was very helpful..it's such a hard thing and I just don't feel I am coping very well to be honest. I just keep seeing babies and pregnant women wherever I go, and then afew of my friends have just announced their news too
Thank u for your reply, i really appreciate it x


----------



## leb84 (Aug 6, 2013)

I too have lost friends who know about my situation down to heartless comments and no understanding. I changed jobs this year and moved area i have told no1 about my situation and it is so much easier just saying i dont want kids people just seem to leave me alone now. I found b4 i got constant questions and comments like 'just relax it will happen' or 'bad timing' After 5 years i think i know about timing and relaxing. I think people can be so heartless and rude sometimes. I dont go to baby things that often would find it to upsetting. x


----------



## wanttoflyaway (Feb 2, 2012)

hi there all of you ....totally understand everything you are all going through .... and yes I do the same, just tend to go day to day on how I am feeling and not put any pressure on myself. Something more recently I have found is friends & family that know about mine & hubbies situation go on ******** & ******* declaring to the world how everything is going so right and how wonderful their life's are & how lucky they are ... we all know what they are talking about - I have had fall outs now with people because I have come off the social networking sites just to protect myself - as I completely understand that this is my problem and shouldn't stop them saying what they want to - just sad that people are not more thoughtful (& I know that unless you have been through infertility, you are NEVER going to completely understand) but its worse when people are just so in your face. love to you all x


----------



## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

I know that feeling..sometimes life is just so unfair
A good friend of mine(and husbands) told us the other day that we need to concentrate on 'other' things and not put so much emphasis on our IVF journey..He told us to go on some nice holidays and buy ourselves a nice car haha!! I was just quite sad to hear their words and kinda thought that they were trying to understand what we were going through 😕

Huge hugs x


----------



## wanttoflyaway (Feb 2, 2012)

not sure to laugh or cry at that! as you say they actually think they are helping or understanding.... someone I know tried to show me they understood as they had to try for 4 month to get pregnant and they were getting impatient!! 4 months!!! god that was still the fun stage .... 4 years that's when it got s*****!!!  not to mention the rest!! I couldn't continue the conversation I had to change the subject then make my excuses & leave as you really can't argue with a pregnant lady.


----------



## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Hello girls....
I'm so pleased I've found this thread. I'm 22 and been trying for a baby since I was 17. We have had one Icsi and one fet but unfortunately both were bfn... Since the ivf last year we decided to give ourselves some time but as usual nothing amazing happened and now we are so desperate for a child we feel like we would do anything it takes just to work....
I know how you all feel in the year we had been doing the ivf my sister in law fell pregnant I offered to her baby shower after the feelings of upset and jealously finally left, to have to host a baby shower the day I got a bfn....that took some courage. Now I'm waiting to hit 23 to try once more with a nhs cycle and. Our best friend has just announced she's 10 weeks pregnant....woohoo   
Not only does that rub it in but she came off the pill to see if she could get pregnant and the next month was.....what a huge kick in the face to add to that they can only just afford there mortgage on both there wages and don't have much more money to play with...the baby will have wha it needs but no more.....can I just check its ok to feel like the Incredible Hulk waiting to explode.....I just think how much we could give to a child not just material but love aswell and we are doing everything we can to do it and she is just gonna pop this baby out and can't even offer it everything they are going to need.....xxxx


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Laws


Hi there.


It is so hard, we tried for a baby for 6-7 years before we were lucky enough to have a baby girl who is now 5 months old.  Iv seen so many friends and family get pregnant and have felt completely left out.  All you feeling is completely normal it really is.  I think the important thing is what you do about it! I always tried to remain graceful and respectful and that has proven to be a really good thing because when i told my friends and family that i was pregnant they where over the moon and most of them cried.


I know its hard but try not to consider it as a personal insult but that they are taking a different journey to mother hood, yes its a lot easier  for them but your journey will be different but equally as rewarding.  Stay focused on your goal and remember that others getting pregnant wont effect that at all.


There are many people who decide to have a baby while barely being able to afford it, i think maybe if you dont mind me saying, your just a bit jealous that your friends are having a baby and are in a less viable financial situation than yourselves.  Try not to fall into the trap of feeling nasty and bitter, but if you feel it certainly doesn't show it.  Me and my dh done have much money but there are loads of way fo getting around it, car boot sales, second hand sights etc etc, it certainly doesn't mean that someone's a lesser parent, or that someone else with more money is a better parent.


Concentrate on your own journey, what's your next step?


----------



## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

I have a slight dilemma..a friend of mine is pregnant and her baby is due around sept/oct...my issue is that she has suggested we meet for lunch this week, I really want to but on the other hand know how hard it will be to see her with her bump..I've spoken to her afew times during her pregnancy and she seems very excited and always speaks about how she's gna be a great mum n that she can't wait blah blah...
...now she wants to meet for lunch and I do wna see her but I know how I will feel once I see her or the meltdown I am likely to have once I get home 😕 I'm not quite sure how to handle this situation to be honest..if any one can help that would be great x

Huge hugs to everyone x


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Sidd


Omg iv been there soo many times, and its horrendous.  I suggest taht you still meet her but that you make it short and sweet, eg a quick lunch that lasts no longer than about 2 hours.  Meet somewhere where you feel comfortable, maybe meet her before going into the coffee shop/restaurant.  Ask her how its all going etc etc and allow her to talk about being pregnant for a bit then change the subject and talk about other mutual interests..


Except that its hard and that you are going to go home and cry, but that your friendship wiht this girl is important and something you want to maintain.  Buy your fav chocolate on the way home go home and have a good cry and then the next day try to keep busy so that your not dwelling on it.


I think if you want to maintain your friendship then all you can do is try to control how much exposure you have to the situation, dont spend the whole day with her, just a quick coffee and then make your excuses.  I know its hard but you will be ok and you will cope wiht it. xxxx


----------



## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

Have been in this position many, many times. If infertility is like breaking a leg, then each piece of other people's good news is like getting your leg broken, again and again. It becomes hard to ever heal. Do what you can: if you think you can fake happiness & interest for the required amount of time this meeting lasts, then psyche yourself up, take a deep breath, and slap that happy face on. If you can't, you've got to decide if you want to do it the direct way or the indirect way. The indirect way means things 'come up' at inconvenient times and you're terribly sorry but you can't just make it. The more direct, honest way is to simply say that you are having a hard time dealing with infertility and that seeing babies or pg women is very upsetting for you, bordering on a phobia. You say you hope one day she will be able to understand, and that sadly it's very common for people dealing with your situation. Or some variant. At different points I have tried all three, but these days find it easier to stick with people who don't have kids and have very little likelihood of having them. My life has changed drastically in the years we've been ttc, and my friendship base has totally changed. I guess it's to be expected when the lives of people you're closest to go in a completely different direction. Anyway, tread lightly and I hope it goes well for you.


----------



## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank u for your advice ladies 😊 it's really helped
..well I spoke to my friend this afternoon and have decided to meet for a quick coffee somewhere in central London this week sometime..do want to see her but I know how hard it will be..I think she does know how hard it is for me, but is jus so excited with being pregnant..told her that it would b nice to see her b4 her baby comes at least..she's due in November..

I've found that I have kinda disconnected from alot of friends with babies or who are pregnant..I just find it easier to cope alittle better if I don't have to see them..

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and help 

Big hugs x


----------



## wanttoflyaway (Feb 2, 2012)

hello ... thoughts are with you all .... it is just all so hard, afraid I haven't got any great motivational words this morning - bit of a rubbish weekend with it all here. any hoo onwards & upwards... new week new start .... thinking of you all - you are all amazing people xx


----------



## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Coweyes some excellent advice about buying chocolate and having a cry.....I also am like you and am trying not to get bitter and be there for my friend however differcult she is a good friend and I need to be there for herl.....think I just needed to get all that out after she told me....since then ive even brought her her first little something for the little lady or chap that comes along at the start of next year.....not gonna be jealous life is to short....
Have now turned back into a human after being the green eyed monster.....
Congrats on your little girl how wonderful after trying for so long! Our next plan is to try again with Icsi and keep everything crossed....don't quite no what will happen if it is to fail again...trying not to focus on that yet tho xxxx


----------



## Gothictulip (May 23, 2013)

a good cry , a few cocktails and a bubble bath might help a bit.

We have been trying for what seems like forever , its getting worse as its now sept - nov which seems to be the baby boom season. Its a good job it gets colder around that time so i can retreat into our home and climb under a duvet and hide from the smug pregnant women.

We recently hung out with a couple that we are friends with, they got married just over 2 months ago and are now 7 weeks gone. This will be their third child. She is 23. I am 26. 

This got announced (actually more whispered in a well known children's shoe shop  ) blindsided does not even begin to describe    . I actually asked if they were serious as i didn't believe him !

Rant over - would you like a cocktail ? I make very nice Mohitos


----------



## tribble (May 11, 2010)

this continues to be a problem, I am older so many of my friends' babies have been born and are real live little people. I personally find this much easier to be involved in, to talk about and feel interested in. They are real individuals and I want to know how they are doing the same as the rest of my friend's families. 
Of course there are still people gushing about pregnancies - find this much harder before the baby is born as it is all gushiness about motherhood and knowing looks and comments and very excluding. 

Even now, friends stuff is hard at times. I met up with a small group and sat quietly through comments like 'of course we're all older mothers compared to most'  - yep, apart from me who isn't a mother at all!!  
Then discussing contraception and what to change to I did not keep quiet - what do you use? 'Duh, I don't need to do I, can we change the subject and you can talk about it after I've gone'  I did learn over time that sometimes it's OK just to say how you are, I always worried about making people feel bad but like other people have said, you can be sensitive to your own needs first at times like these, and please don't feel bad about doing that.

Any excuse will do for an opt-out, because as time goes on you will need to do this less and less; and there will be times that things are unavoidable.

do take care you will survive


----------



## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

I think the best thing to do is try not let I get too you, for me the worst iv been when it comes to infertility and realising it was really tough was when both my sis in laws were pregnant and had their baby's within couple days of each other especially when the oldest one was pregnant we had her over and after she had gone I cried for ages thinking this is never going to happen for us, but I have the loveliest oh who when I'm having down days hugs me and says it will happen for us, maybe not now but it will, iv learnt that I can't keep letting myself get upset, and realise what I have got my oh and my little jack Russell and so far there the best family I have, when it comes to friends and family I think it's best to keep a straight face, chin up and think this will be me one day, I'm sure of it xxxx


----------

