# New book I'm reading



## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Determined to get a different perspective on things, I'm reading a book by Nicki Defago called "Childfree and loving it" and it's written from the perspective of those women who never wanted to have kids in the first place. Am hoping this will help in the transition from seeing myself as childless to childfree. It was only published last year, so is full of up-to-date research and comments from parents, women who didn't want children and women who didn't have them for whatever reason, including infertility issues.

Anyone have any comments on 'The Family Man' on BBC on Thursday? Watching it is interesting for me as we never went down the ivf route.


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## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi, 

I am doing exactly the same thing and am finding it really useful to get a (much needed) sense of perspective! It's so refreshing to be able to read something so positive and get so many rewarding and grounding points of view from people who have really fulfilled, busy, sucessful and happy lives without children. Sometimes it's really been hard to see that this will be possible but this is such a good way to do it. 

I hope it helps you as much as I think it's helping me!

Sam
x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Lucy and Sam

Thanks for the input on the book, i have jotted the name down and that will be on my shopping list......
I didn't see that programme 'the family man' the other night? Did anyone else see it? i am curious?

love astridxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Lucy 
I'm in a similar situation - no IVF for us. Can I ask what you think of the book so far? 
I have read a lot of books on grief due to loss of inability to concieve (so loss of both physical child and the dream of a child) but I'd be interested in how people actually change their mindset to being "childfree" not childless (if its at all possible).

Deb


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

I saw part of 'The Family man' on tv the other night and sat there with tears streaming down my face. There's a part where the one woman is shopping in ASDA at midnight and her partner asks here what's she's doing shopping so late. Her reply 'it's empty and there's not a buggy in sight'. And that just made me cry, because I could imagine myself doing that just so I don't have to see a baby or a pram.

Last night was hell for me. We had friends over with their little baby. All fine and dandy except they keep talking on and on and on and on and on about Robyn's new tooth, Robyn this, Robyn that. Eventually I just said 'CAN WE PLEASE CHANGE THE SUBJECT AWAY FROM BABIES'. There was a brief akward silence and then chat resumed on other subjects. It's bloody amazing, I know they don't mean to hurt me, and I realise that the baby is all new and exciting for them, and I know that they have no idea how much it upsets me, BUT it still hurts.

Regards
Katherine


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies, I too will add the book to my list of reading, I reckon you need all the help you can get in this game.

We actively decided to stay away from "The Fertility Man" on the grounds that we've dedicated enough of our lives and emotional energy to this thing without picking at our now healing wounds - I can hear my parents saying  "if you keep picking at it it'll never get better..."

Katherine, sorry about your evening from hell. I always find a brief awkward silence beats hands down hours of baby chat, good on you for dealing with it so assertively.

flipper


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Hi,

I watched some of "Family Man" - too soon for me to be watching programmes like that I spent most of it .  It did actually have some good points - such as the Asda shopping bit and the failures for once.

I think I'll take a look at this book I haven't read any books at all yet.  Would this be a good one to start with?

I have been to some counselling sessions which have not helped at all and I went to Drs Friday.  I have not been coping at all well since my BFN last Saturday.  Dr has prescribed some sleeping pills to get me over the next couple of weeks (if I need them) and he wants to see me and DH I think with a view to counselling when I have got over initial grieving process.  Got to make myself get back to work tomorrow and get back into a routine of some sorts.

I assume Family Man is a series and on again this week?

Perkyone.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
I have just bought the book...the reason being is like Flipper, i bought it because of the title it has a positve ring to it....childfree and loving it'.......that bagged it for me too...
I too agree with Flipper well done Katherine for dealing with the situation...i had a similiar situation not so long ago and i did feel better about being in control...
Perkyone, i feel very sad for you and i can empathise with your very difficult situation at the moment.Its such early days and you need to be abit more gentle on yourself...it takes time to learn to understand what has actually happened in your life. Also you both coming to terms with it....have you thought of maybe getting away? a holiday that will give you time to discuss things away from every day life...
I am not sure if i am going to watch the programme, but i have been interested in what you have posted..
love astridx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Didnt watch the Family man as knew i wouldnt get peace to! Dh hates things like that seeing as we have been thru some treatments and think he cant bear to see it again. Might buy that book too xxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Ok girls, I am half way through the book, and it is so good it even made me think about going back on the pill to prevent any miracles! That is a miracle in itself!!! It also makes you think - 'C'mon, am I so boring that I can't think of anything better to do with my life than get into debt and run around after other people, and possibly push all my own ambitions to one side." I like many others on this forum have read about three books along the lines of dealing with grief etc. etc. and it depends on where abouts you are on your own personal journey dealing with it all, but this book gets things into perspective.

I think I must be going through a good phase at the mo cos even 'The Family man' didn't make me cry, I just felt sorry for the women in it, so hopefully these are good signs.


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

Hi Lucy

Thanks for the tip about this book. I bought it on Friday and am already half way through it. It has really made me feel so much more positive and I've even laughed! It is so refreshing to look at the whole childfree situation from a completely different view.

Thanks!
Katherine


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Lucy

I'd like to add my thanks to that of the others it's a good read.  I was going to buy it on Amazon but decided I'd just creep around the local bookshop shop until I found it but was in a bit of a hurry and thought, sod it, I'll be here all day so I marched up to the guy and girl on the counter and said (in my best proudest voice) hi, have you got "childfree an loving it" in stock please?

A few people in the queue raised their eyebrows and I thought...if you only knew the half of it as I laughed with the guy about whether it should be kept under the life-style, self help or the travel section!

Cheers

Pa,


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## Maisie Joy (Sep 15, 2005)

Hi there,
Thanks for the reccomendation!  I bought this book on Saturday and read it over the weekend - I really enjoyed it.  it gives you a new perspective on things and makes you think - well it aint actually too bad a life without kids!  It did make me apprciate my afternoon of shopping with a friend then a posh afternoon tea with champagne, and the nice long lie i had on Sunday! You don't get that if you have kids...
It hasn't changed my mind that I definetely want children but has made me more content with what i do have in my life, and also made me think - well even if i only had one child, that might be OK too.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Great book!!! 
So so so pleased that you recommended it Lucy!!! its brought a smile to my face and has helped me look at life in a different way!!!..
A suggestion Flipper - i think the book needs to be put in the 'life style' section....  
A great read for travelling!!! I read it on a train to Birmingham and the time just passed by quickly...
love astridxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hey Girls
In relation to this book, my BIL came up with some comments that probably he would not have mentioned a year ago...
If he had his time over again, he probably would have delayed having children. He felt that he was being pressured by his peers and family that time was running out....Now he looks back he would like to have done alot more with his life....and then maybe delayed getting married and having children...
I also spoke to another friend of mine who has two children. I explained to her what i was reading about couples making the decision not to have children.  I went on to explain to told her that if my Dh and i decided not to have children, what would she think? Her reply was 'don't have them', as much as she loves her children its flipping hard work...and there is something positive about being 'child free'.
So this book is like a handy self help tool...so glad that i have read it...
love astridxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Glad to help. All I can say is that the book has totally changed my life - I never thought I would say that about a book. But I feel like my eyes have been well and truly opened and I am going to try and live my life to the full and not waste time dwelling on things I can't change. High five!


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I'm certainly going to try and get my hands on a copy.... Thanks for the reccomendation!


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I'm not big on "self help" type books of any sort but this one has crystallised for me all the benefits of the life that I currently enjoy - and enjoy is the right word. I'd  lost sight of how good what I've got really genuinely is along the road of failure, expense and dissapointment.

One of the contributors says that she lives her life for what is in it, not what is not in it.  Amen and high five to that.


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## Lou F ❁ (Feb 28, 2003)

Just thought i would mention u can get this book from
www.play.com 
£8.49 delivered.
lou x


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Dear All,

WHAT A BRILL BOOK.

THANKS FOR THE RECCOMADATION.


karen j


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