# Can't talk to DH anymore



## cazandant (Jul 6, 2005)

We failed on our second egg donation tx back in early June, and DH now refuses to talk about it.  Unfortunately, we work together full time in our own business, so this is now affecting our whole lives.  

Last night I rang the Samaritains just for someone to talk to at 2am  - I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I was thinking about running away somewhere!!!! Lovely lady listened to me and reassured me that I was normal!! In the morning DH suggested we go and see a Relate counsellor "to sort you out" !!! He also thinks I should see the Dr for some HRT!!!!! 

A few weeks ago I would have told you that we were a happily married couple, looking forward to shared goals with the tx.  Now I am so sad, and he says that if I  can't sort things out there's no point trying another tx.  He is obviously hurting too, but won't admit to it and just keeps working all day and all night....

Sorry to moan so much but has anyone else lived through something like this??


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

hiya caz

i just wanted to send you a huge   your dh will come around in his own time. i'm sure lots of people have gone through similar experiences hun. be strong and remember we are always here for you if you want to talk, scream, shout or just have a good cry 

pam xx


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Dear Cazandent,

Your experience sounds so very normal to me but that doesn't mean it isn't painful, frightening and isolating.

My DH and I have been through some very cr*p times in our IVF cycles. There have been times that my DH could not talk it through and he bottled things up and became distant. There was a stage that he felt unable to cope with any more IVF but we gave it time and he came to terms with the disappointment.

If it had not been for the support at Fertility Friends I don't know how I would have coped.

We are still finding it all very difficult/painful but it is now surviving month to month - not day to day. For a couple of months I saw a great counselor at the ARGC. Maybe your clinic will have a counselor?

Relate may be fine but I am aware that their waiting lists are long, they do not specialise in infertility and in my own experience sometimes their approach leaves a lot to be desired.  However, it is better than nothing and you may be fine.

Hope that this ramble helps.  Sending a big ((HUG)) to you and lots of sympathy.

With love from,


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Hi Caz

Just wanted to reply and let you know you are not alone.  We had our first failed ICSI 7 weeks ago and it hit us really hard.  We have been distant with each other and for 5 weeks I bottled everything up for it to come to blows and I poored my heart out.  It did help me but I also told DH I weren't sure I wanted to be with him anymore.  Although both of us have the problem I felt like I couldn't give him what he wanted and that he would be better off without me.

We went for our follow up appointment Friday just gone and they have told me that I have high FSH levels for a woman of my age (27) and I have poor egg quality.  Although it is a tough decision we have decided enough is enough and we aren't going to have another tx.  Eventually we will adopt but I need to get over the fact that I will never carry a child of my own.  I told DH to leave me and find someone else who will give him a child but he wants to be with me.

Although we aren't as close as we were Im sure it will get better and in time we will be as close, like Im sure yourself and DH will be.

Sorry for such a long winded message, just want you to know you're not alone.  PM me anytime I am here if you want to talk.

Take Care

Love Kerry xx


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

I know this is an old posting. I haven't read too much, as I don't want to dwell on the details, but what I will suggest for anyone going through this, is the following;

I booked myself an appointement to see the counseller after our 1st awful IVF failure (with 4 failed IUIs behind us). DH came with me of his own accord, and it helped. As he's suggesting that it's to sort 'you' out, try compromising that you will but only if he comes. We were suggested that if we (I) wanted to talk about tx, it should be kept to a maximum of an agreed time limit, at an agreed time in the day/evening. Without carrying this out, just the knowledge of this arrangement helped a great deal.

Also, before all of this, DH and I nearly split up. What you need to remember is who you are and why you got together in the first place, remembering also why you chose to go the distance. 

You may find that with ttc, you forget to BE who you were. I stopped going horse-riding, and we actually ended up with nothing to talk about. We stopped doing the things we enjoyed, and got stuck in an inevitable rut. But recognising that rut is half the battle. It will take time, but try opening up to him in terms of who you may have stopped being, and perhaps encourage each other to go out and be yourselves again. Just going for a long walk together can help. Try planning something that you like, and make it a surprise. You'll be surprised how refreshing that can be. (I recently planned a romantic evening during my 2ww, only to realise that I'd forgotten my handbag, and that there were other things we needed to do that night -nice try, but it did remind us that we are loving, sexual and sensual and we needed to remind ourselves of this). 

You also need to feel good about yourself. Try to stop thinking of yourself as having failed in the biology dept, and remind yourself of how sexy you can feel. You may not feel it at first, and it does take time, but the more you try to convince yourself that you're gorgeous and worth him giving you a second glance, the more it will convince both of you, and it will start to be second nature again. If the subtle approach doesn't work - just try the old appearing in almost-something (or nothing) when he least expects it - that shouldn't  fail to get his attention, whether he wants to or not...

It is so understandable that it happens to us, but if you take note, you should be able to get through it. Remember to lean on your friends too, using them to help convince him that you're missing being a couple, or that you need him because of who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

I know I've waffled, but I do hope this helps. Relationships are precious, and do need tweaking from time to time, especially when things like this happen. If you can get through this 'episode', then you can learn to be close again, and make your lifelong decisions together.

I wish everyone the best of luck and love (and don't forget to treat you both to some new sexy lingerie and a romantic evening in).


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## zora (Sep 30, 2005)

Cazandant very sorry to hear about your problems. IVF is so tough. I think the toll it has on relationships should not be under-estimated.Don't forget FF are here anytime you need a chat or a bit of support.Best of luck
Just Jess that was a great posting thanks for that


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

I hope it helps someone. Too many people don't know how to stick it out, or where to start when things seem to go so wrong between them. I know from my own experience, and just want to do what I can to help anyone else out. xx


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## poopy (Oct 11, 2005)

oh cazandant
know just how you feel men are not very good in these situations your not on your own.i've had 2 bfns in the last 6 months and it takes such alot out of you but men just get on with it.i get more support from ff than dh!
you keep your chin up and remember there are lots of us in the same boat. keep chatting it helps.
love poopy.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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