# SW wants to see our emotions!!!



## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Help please    had an awful meeting with sw's today. They called us into their office rather than meeting us at home, they said they feel like they don't know us, we are on visit 6 and we thought everything was going great. However, SW has been chatting to her manager about our case and it seems on paper we look great but in their opinion we show no emotion and they feel like they don't know us, they feel there is a barrier (but when we questioned the baiirer) they couldn't actually tell us what it was!
We said we didn't agree and we had given our all, answering fully and giving examples etc... And they agreed!! But also said it wasn't enough    what do they want from us?!?! 
They also questioned the number of IVF cycles and asked why we had so many? 

They asked about childhood and basically tore our life story apart, asking if we would make children hug, as DH family are tactile and mine are loving but we don't hug / kiss etc.. Am I making any sense here? I felt like they were making a huge deal out of nothing and just feel that we haven't 'clicked' with them at all  

Can we request a different SW? Or maybe change LA? Or is it too late now?

They want us to have our individual sessions again and be interviewed and video taped at their office  I don't want to do it and feel it is unnecessary. They agreed on paper we are great candidates but felt we were rehearsed and our answers were too perfect!! The want us to relax more, which DH pointed out is hard with 2 strangers in your living room grilling you about your life! 

Any advice? X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Sunflower
I'm afraid I'm at a loss too, but just wanted to give you a  
Hope someone can advise better. 

I can't understand. Maybe request a different SW?
Do you feel like you aren't relaxed with your SW and that you could relax more with someone else?

I don't think it's ever too late to go to different LA or VA but you'd probably have to declare that you started elsewhere but don't see that it would be a problem if you just explain you didn't connect well with them or something. 

Good luck xxx


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

Sun flower - sending huge hugs   I would have thought that you could ask for another sw failing which you could change agency but think you would have to declare it and explain why.


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

I'm at a loss too   Is your SW quite new? It's rather harsh imo to drop this on you 6 visits later. I don't really see how you would be any more relaxed in an office being recorded. 

Maybe if possible have another chat with your SW explaining this & your confusion at what they are saying... if they can't explain this 'barrier' then maybe the issue is theirs, they should know you well enough to have answers. If they have more questions then I don't think they've fully done their job or been honest through the process as it goes both ways. If you do have to be interviewed again then maybe it would make more sense for a different SW to do it.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I think some SW's get on a power trip and it's hardly any wonder there are still so many wonderful children in Foster Care or Foster Homes across the country. 

You could ask for a new SW, or you could look at another agency?  It's a shame though as bound to delay things.  I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable being filmed.  Anyhow, just because you are/aren't 'buggy' it doesn't mean you will force children to be a  certain way. Wishing you much luck in getting it sorted and getting back on track xxxx


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

Hey Sunflower, I didn't want to read and run.  I haven't really got any advice as I am yet to start my home study but I wanted to give you a virtual hug   


There are a few points that concern me.  The fact they asked you to the office, I assume you didn't know why, then dropping this bombshell on you which you, rightly so, tried to defend yourself.  You and your DH need to think of questions which you want answers then make your decision.  I know if it was me and I was in the situation I would be too gobsmacked to think of any at the time and would kick myself after.  


Good luck hun


Xx


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Hi Sunflower, 

I was so, so sorry to hear your news. You must be so angry and confused   

It brought back some bad memories for us  

Last year DH and I began the adoption process with a VA. We were initially told that we were the kind of couple they wanted and they were happy to take us on and take us to panel, so we paid for medicals etc., had all our checks done and completed the prep course.

Then suddenly things changed, the SW's changed their minds - they told us we had not got enough experience of children (even though DH has three and I have been a step-mum for ten years   ) and other things that I still cannot understand to this day 

We were told to come back in five years when we had got the experience as they would keep our file open.

We were really confused and didn't know what to do - we took some time out to gather our thoughts and decided to change to a LA, re-group and come back stronger.

If you still feel you can work with them, maybe a new SW could help and allow you to complete the process as you have come so far, but if they are still insisting on taking you through the process from the start and you feel uncomfortable with them, my advise would be to move on. Although this could mean starting the whole thing from the start   

I cannot imagine how you feel to have been through all the interviews, and I hope you can find a way to proceed


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you so much for your responses, I have been thinking about this non stop, we talked last night and had an idea......I just want to run it by you all and see what you think please.

We are going to our nephews first birthday party on Saturday, and we thought we could video bits (just informally on our phones) of us playing with nieces/nephews and interacting with the family and then email it to the SW to show that we are human and we do have emotions! (and they come out when we are not being formally interviewed and scrutinised!) 

Would this help? Or again would we be labelled as 'trying too hard'  

Thanks again for your help, suggestions and support, it means a lot  
Sun flower x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

i'd certainly be asking why they want to video you in their offices? That's not normal practice and even the most comfortable of people would be more on edge surely in a false environment, also, not many social workers would really know how to analyse the video anyway what would they be looking for? 

I'd ask for their reasonings on paper and also look at possibly another SW....hugs..as if this process isn't hard enough as it is x


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## mamochka (May 23, 2013)

Hi sun flower

I dont have direct experience with SW but my SIL does and my conclusion is you NEED to make friends and cooperate with sw otherwise the consequences could as sad as for my SIL. I dont think changing a specific sw will help the situation, You have to genuinely fish it out from them what it is that they need/want to see to be sure in you. At least you got that signal early in the process, my SIL was having a child for 1.5 years when they came and took it based on some old suspicions...


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

without knowing you or your sw its hard to comment on what they think might be lacking (if anything  ) 


if it were me i would want to be very clear about what it is they are looking for..and if they think they are going to find it by video taping you..who is going to look at this tape and make decisions based on it..head of dept? or a psychologist? what are they hoping to see?
in our HS we had a taped attachemnt interview but it was only voice, not film! friends of ours were rejected upon review of their tapes though  


re so many IVF's well thats ridiculous..if you'd only tried one they'd ask why you didnt have more!! the answer is because,like most normal people you wanted to try to have your own child and put your all into it..it shows determination and pluck (something useful for adopting!)


I guess theres no harm in recording some bits of you interacting at the birthday party..it surely couldnt be looked upon as being the 'wrong' thing or trying too hard. if they DO think its the wrong thing then perhaps you arent ever going to be able to please them and  you should perhaps try another agency...


At the very east i would ask if perhaps you could have some sessions with a different sw to see if they draw the same conclusions.it could be just a clash of personalities..it does happen  


sorry you are going through this  


kj x


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

So sorry that must have been so awful!

I believe when SW do this sort of thing its never for the reasons they give.
Something you've done (or they think you've done) has seriously worried them.


In my experience you need top do EVERYTHING SW's ask you to.
If you just change LA's, this SW reasons will be passed to them as well.


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## AdoptionDolly (Oct 30, 2012)

Hi Sun Flower, sorry you're having to go through this.  I personally would try and work it out with your current LA before moving on.. you've invested a lot of time so far with them so it may be worth trying to work out what it is they actually want.  

With regard to the amount of IVFs you've tried.. that shouldn't be an issue at all... in fact if anything shows your determination as a couple to be parents.  Our number of IVFs was in double figures and no-one batted an eyelid.


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## scoobydooby (Nov 5, 2013)

Doubleprincesstrouble said:


> So sorry that must have been so awful!
> 
> I believe when SW do this sort of thing its never for the reasons they give.
> *Something you've done (or they think you've done) has seriously worried them.*
> ...


That is a ridiculous thing to say and totally without foundation. They will already be going through hell over this and what you have just said is of no help whatsoever! 

*Sunflower* - it really could be as simple as you have already stated, that they just dont feel like you have opened up to them enough yet, so try not to worry too much (difficult I know!)
We've all been there, the whole adoption process is so invasive and I found it extremely hard to open up to our SW, I said the things that I thought they wanted to hear but our SW was on the ball, she knew when I wasn't being myself. When she let me know this I thought to hell with it and told her everything, lock, stock and barrel.

I would however draw the line at having a filmed interview so if you dont feel comfortable with the idea, tell them so.


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## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

We originally contacted a VA and get some details and were sent some info. I explained that we were looking at our options and gathering info. I had given information about being a married homeowner etc but just standard information. Never went any further than that. Randomly around 5 weeks later I get a phone call and before I could explain we'd applied to the LA the lady flies into a personal attack about my relationship not being committed enough and us not being financially stable enough so her supervisor was not willing to proceed with our application! I explained I had never made one and she said well if you did we wouldn't be proceeding for 2 to 3 years. All I can think is she rang the wrong person but from that point I realised the world of adoption is crazy! 

I really hope this is just a minor bump in the road xx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Sunflower I found our prep course annoyed me one day when I was asked if I was answering with my professional head on or my parent head on. Told them I was actually two different people and the home me more emotional. They were also asking a general hypothetical question do I answered the same way. I would do some extra sessions with a second opinion social worker. I understand you are entitled to another perspective. I agree with the point someone made about whoever is watching the video analysing it as I liaise with a psychiatrist. SWs are just that and not qualified psychiatrists. It is false being scrutinised especially if for six weeks you feel it's all been tickety boo and then they say its not. I don't know what to suggest hun. Perhaps a second opinion visit from another SW. It doesn't sound like this one has been straight with you. 
Big hugs xxx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thanks for the replies, it really does help to read your suggestions and thoughts. It makes us realise we are not going mad and actually being filmed IS scary and unnecessary!!

DH emailed SW yesterday asking for clarification on the filming, why it has to be done? And also that we are not comfortable with it. They have not replied yet......  

Sun flower xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Just wanted to update this thread. We have won the battle!  

SW emailed at the weekend to say they have discussed our concerns and they agree with us, they will not be recording our individual interviews. Phew! Huge relief. 

Annoyed that they kicked up such a fuss and made a massive thing out of nothing! But at least we feel more comfortable again with the process.

I've got my individual interview today, might have to poke myself in the eye beforehand, so they can't say I'm not 'showing my emotions'


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good luck will be thinking of you x x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Kayla-jade, thanks for the info. One word in particular in your post really stood out to me.....reflective

SW keeps mentioning this word, what is their interpretation of this? I thought it was looking back, thinking over things etc.. We had to complete reflection sheets at prep groups, we got great feedback from them. They said we reflected really well and wrote lots of detail after each session.

How can I get this across when chatting to them? they don't seem to 'get' me?

And help or tips would be much appreciated, it's great to get a friendly prospective from the SW side of things  

So glad you are now enjoying your career

Xx


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi Sunflower,


So glad things are back on track, i was thinking about your situation at the weekend as i've been so disgusted on your behalf.


There seems to be no recognition that everyone is different. Everyone expresses their emotions differently and no one way is "right". If you're too emotional they would have a problem with you not coming to terms with infertility or something. Sometimes it feels very much like you can't get it right either way.


My DH and I have had our fair share of this kind of misinterpretation, even having the process stopped at one point - I won't go into details, but needless to say i know the confusion and despair you must have been feeling. My problem was once the process started again, i had some residual anger with the system & unsubstantiated comments that had been thrown at us without thought, so i needed to work through before I felt i could continue to engage with them properly. Luckily we had a holiday booked at the time, so I could sort my head out. Anyway, the good news is we are going to panel next week & i'm sure you'll get there too. Goodluck.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

That's fab news everhopefulmum, good luck for panel x
And thanks for the reassurance, it is frustrating. I really hope it goes well with them this afternoon and we can actually turn a corner and start understanding each other more!


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi Sunflower,

I read ur post the other week and was truly shocked and didn't know what to advise u to do.

But looks like u and DH have resolved the issue like adults and when u see ur sw today, just treat it like u said, a misunderstanding.

It may even make a better relationship between u both and ur sw.

At least u tried to come up with ideas for a resolution and acted like adults and said how u feel 

Thanks for letting us all know too, just goes to show anyone's journey can hit a bump on the road to parenthood.

Wish u both all the best, sure you'll be fine xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Just another quick update from me, interview went well. They asked for examples and stories to go with the info already given on childhood. They wanted descriptive words for my relationship with parents, siblings, friends etc.. And examples for each.

They also asked for various bits of info to 'pad out' the PAR. again going over previous answers and trying to squeeze more info out of me! As before, I was 100% honest and friendly so I hope they are happy this time  

Only downfall now is, our SW has been pulled onto a priority case so we have been put on hold for a few weeks, probably until the new year. Bit sad but at least it gives us time to reflect and maybe even have a christmassy weekend away. They are hoping to interview our refs in Dec / Jan too. So things are moving along again.


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

I totally understand where u are coming from. We found home study very hard for the same reasons you are. They said we didn't open up enough, and questioned on our a whole load a stuff. The whole system is nuts!! We just gritted our teeth and did what they asked of us, and passed panel ok. But now we have found the whole thing is just the same as pre links and had some fall through coz we don't show enough emotions. It's time they just woke up and realised just coz u don't express emotion doesn't mean you don't feel it.  Some one said to me it's like passing a driving test where you have to emphasise the looking in the mirror bit and move your whole body not just your eyes to look. The thing is its feeling fake to us that we have to be so la la la la and oh wow!! All the time!! You will get there just like we will too! Hang on in there. X


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi ipswichbabe, thanks for your post, it's good to know it's not just us! But makes me so annoyed that this is happening to others.  Seems the over emphasising is the way to go, I find as soon as you say something they want to hear or agree with them or ask for their advice, they suddenly become very happy! But I agree with you it feels so false.

I really hope you get your link /match very soon. I worry about getting further down the line and being scrutinised in foster carers home during intros, checking to see if we smile, interact, and cry with emotion! I can't imagine it ever gets any easier, like others have said we just need to grin and bare it   

Good luck x


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I'm not sure if this will help - I work in healthcare rather than for social services.  As part of my job I have to do lots of reflective practice and I think it really helped me to talk 'social worker' - and home study was fairly straightforward for me as a result.  

Reflecting isn't just looking back - but it is being able to look at past events and to identify how they made you feel and what you did to try and resolve these feelings - being able to identify how you handled something badly and how you would act differently, is just as important as being able to identify when you handled something well - and how you will apply what you have learnt to the future.  

For example, if talking about infertility - don't be afraid to talk about the feelings of grief, distress and then really look at how you dealt with these feelings and what you learnt about yourself - how did you resolve these feelings to allow yourself to be ready to move on.  

Google some info on reflective practice as will probably give you lots of examples.  

Hope this helps


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I love the likening it to exaggerating like in a driving test - yes that should do it!
I feel v v emotional about our infertility to name just one thing but I'm v private. Hs was ok due to pleasant sw but still uncomfortable for me so I hammed up a little and went into a kind of work mode for talking to sw. I knew i had gone far enough one session when she responded to something I described by putting down her pen, looking me in the eye and sympathetically saying 'that's a lot of feelings'   I cut down slightly after that!
You gotta laugh
Gettina


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

If I could just put in my tuppence?  I'm in a talky mood this morning.  

Like Nancy says, I don't think it's so much BEING emotional and faking it all over them (they will probably be able to spot some of this, anyway) but being able to articulate and consider your feelings.  They're looking for emotional intelligence because so many children need help with expressing and working through their emotions.  So, to take the example of IF, I wouldn't need to cry all over them   But I would want to say," IF was a horrible time.  It made me feel a failure and shut down emotionally in some ways, because it hurt too much to feel.  I never cried so much in my life before as when I found I was pregnant, but an hour later I started losing it and that's when I stopped crying and made 96 sausage rolls from scratch, as a displacement activity!  I ddin't want to shout and scream and rage or say "it's not fair," because that felt pointless, but with hindsight maybe it would have helped.  Talking to friends on FF helped me feel like I wasn't alone, and I learned that it was okay to say, "it's not fair," becuase it really isn't!  I think it's made me stronger because I know how low I can go and still come back, and I know how to look after myself better, both physically and emotionally."

There you've got feelings, reaction, support networks, reflection, learning and positives.  And I didn't even cry.  

Good luck!


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you, that makes lots of sense. I can totally understand the 'driving' theory. I said to DH that I feel like this part is the driving lessons (I didnt enjoy my driving lessons!) and panel is like driving test and then being a happy content driver (I love driving) is the happy ever after with our little family   so this is something we have to do to get there.

I totally agree, I can show emotions by describing how I felt / reacted without actually crying my eyes out. Shame I wont have a chance to try this out anytime soon, SW has put us on hold until the new year, as she has an urgent case to deal with.....so we wait and worry and wonder.....good job Ive got Christmas shopping to keep me occupied! 

Thanks for all of the suggestions and comments, Im going to read them out to DH. They make perfect sense to me, and make me feel better. Ive read then over and over....... 

Sun Flower x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm sorry you've been put on hold, but I hope Christmas occupies you and then the time lets you settle some of your thoughts and concerns.  Delays are horrible, but pauses for breath can be useful....


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