# Is it normal????



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies
We go to panel in just under 5 weeks and I was wondering whether me feeling negative was normal?  I am putting it down to self perservation after all the heartache and disappointment of ivf, not wanting to get my hopes up in case they say no.

Logically I know we wouldn't be going to panel if there was a problem and also I know deep down we would be able to give a child or 2 so much love and such a happy life but rational, logical thinking isn't the norm at the moment.

Our SW came out last wednesday to talk about panel and what will happen and I was so nervous just talking about it!  She did say she understood how important this was to us and that we had invested so much in it already and that it was normal to feel nervous.

I just have this underlying worry that they will think we just aren't good enough and say no.  

Love
OT x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

I guess not then as so many have read and not replied


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## LoisLane (Apr 26, 2007)

Hi OT

Sorry hon, I can't answer your question, but want to wish you the best of luck when you meet the panel in September.  

Sending you lots of   and hope your dreams come true.

Louj x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

hey OT

Its "normal" to Feel negative at times.

Like you have said its self preservation- i know that i worry that the panel will say no however like you and everyone else will tell you they wouldnt take you to panel if they had any worries.

For me personally i get a little Hett up about "other people" saying if i am "fit to parent" however i know that it is there for a reason.

Massive hugs

Mez
xxxx


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## Anabelle (Nov 6, 2004)

Hiya OT

to answer your question, YES it is normal to feel the way you do.  I felt exactly the same as you, and also put that down to self preservation, after so many knock backs over the years I am sure we become experts at it!

As MJ has said they wouldnt take you to panel if they had any doubts.  From our own experience, our s/w said that they would do more work with the home study until they were sure that you were ready to go to panel.  She also said that very very rarely do they say no, if there are any problems they ask you to do some more work on the areas they have concerns with (she used to sit on panel, so she knows how their minds tick)

I know it's easier said than done, but please try not to worry.

Wishing you luck and looking forward to seeing your announcement that you have been approved.

A
x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi OT,
Yes completely normal I would say! I think when you come from years of treatment, loss and heart ache as many of us do you become nervous of over investing and trusting things will happen until it is in stone. It is self preservation how could it not be after the journey we have all had but I agree completely with what has been said they would not have got you this far if they had any serious doubts! Mez couldn't agree more "fit to parent"! drove me deranged too!
OT you will get through with flying colours and we will all be here to celebrate with you!!!!!
Love JD x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Thanks Ladies, its good to know what I am feeling is normal.

Mez, I also find it hard having to 'prove' that we are 'fit to parent' and am not overly keen on social workers.  

Anabelle, congrats on your approval, hope you don't have too long a wait for your family.

Love
OT x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

Yes, I think it's completely normal to feel negative at certain times during the process. Like you say, it's self preservation.

For me, we'd had so many let-downs and heartbreak during the previous 3 years of trying, that even when you're assured a millon times over that everything will work out, you won't believe it until it happens.

I remember being told that the sw wouldn't spend the time and money it costs to put us through the homestudy if they didn't think it was 100% that you'd be approved. It's a formality.
A nerve-kracking formality all the same! Mind you, I remember feeling a complete anti-climax when we left the panel room. That feeling of "Was that it??" All the fear and anxiety that nearly killed me in the months leading upto it!!!   And withing 5 mins it was over. 

I'll let you into a little secret, even though it's 2 and half years since we've been there and done that, the thought of panel again terrifies me again!
I know it's silly, and it is only a formality. But this day does mark the start of the next phase, the most important phase of all, Finding that pot of gold that you've waited for so long for.

Can't wait to read your post and celebrate with you!

OOOHHHH how exciting! Just think of the end result! (I can tell you, between you and me... sssh! it's well worth the agony once you reach the end of your rainbow!!)

Good luck

xx


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## Misty C (Mar 1, 2006)

Hi OT

Came across your post and understand so well how you are feeling.  My negative/nervous feelings were accompanied by nausea, not pleasent.  I kept telling myself we need to do this for our little ones (I almost chanted it and it began to help).  I could feel the people at panel were just willing us to be ourselves and answer their questions.  There are no tricks, they just need to get a better idea of how you will be a good parent - which you will be!  

Good luck.
Misty C
xxxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Just wanted to say I know its slightly different as we are only fostering not adopting but every year we have to go back to panel to be reapproved as carers and we are again on 1st Oct and although nothing has changed in our situation I am already worrying about it.

It is daunting enough to sit in front of many people on a panel without it being for something so important to you! 

I always remember what my assessing sw said to me, that she would never take anyone to panel that she didnt think would be ok  

 and 

xx


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## Lynnm (Mar 7, 2006)

Hello OT

I understand your feelings completely, as I am in the same boat as you and feeling so very much like you.  I keep saying to my DH what if we don't pass etc etc... He is very level headed and he keeps saying why wouldnt we be approved etc etc and although I know what he is saying is correct and logical I still feel nervous.  I think this is coming from repeated pain in the past with IVF and this is making me insecure.  But look at the other side - 'if' becomes 'when' and that is a huge milestone.

Our sw has indicated we are strong and is being very reassuring.  Like we were told they would not put us forward for panel if they werent convinced that we would get approval.  So please remember this.

I think your feelings are very much 'normal'  and if you are feeling a bit low and need a bit of reassurance, please get in touch.  

Lynn x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies
Thanks to everyone for their replies, it is reassuring to know I'm not alone or 'abnormal'.  

Lynn, my DH is so laid back about it all and thinks logically about it, keeps telling me to be positive, they wouldn't be taking us to panel if there was a problem etc etc, but he also went through ivf very laid back.  Just the way he is, doesn't worry about things until you need to whereas I like having some level of control!

Even our SW has been reassuring, I guess it wouldn't look good on her to take us to panel if there was a chance of them saying no......

Only 7 working days left until our holiday, by which time we will have seen our form f, how I need that holiday!

Thanks again
Love
OT x


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## Lynnm (Mar 7, 2006)

Hey OT

You enjoy that hol, think you are needing a little 'chill' time   So relax and enjoy hunny - are you going anywhere nice?

Take Care 
Lynn x


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi OT

As the others have said - it IS normal to feel the way you do.....and it also happens (well at least to me) after getting through panel!  

I totally believe that it is self preservation thing.

You will be fine at panel and will walk it I am sure.  That said you will still feel really nervous and anxious - it is only normal to feel this way.  It is such a long and longed for journey and the climax of panel is such a huge pinnacle to head for.....it's kind of like the final tick in the box!

Panel were running late when we went by about an hour and 30 min - I had 100 wees in that time!!  We were in there for around 15 mins and then went back to the little room to wait the 'verdict'...... when our social worker came back in and told us I burst into tears - then she did too!!

Keep us posted on how it all goes and just know that you are totally doing fine and it is all normal 

Take care

T x


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