# One more go or move on - can't decide..



## BH (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi,

I'm really confused and don't know what to do.  Went to a new clinic yesterday for a second opinion.  Basically, have had 4 attempts (2 NHS with 2 ovaries, then ovarian infection so one ovary removed, and 2 private with one ovary).  

For last 2 attempts this year, just got 2 eggs both times, although responded well and FSH normal (around .  First time both fertilised, last time none fertilised (well one abnormally).  So my current clinic strongly advised to move to donor eggs (which isn't an option for us, so we would move to adoption).  The new clinic basically agreed with the current one, although said that their regime is slightly different in that they don't start you on the highest dosage of fsh.  I am wondering if this would be worth a shot, as I've sometimes wondered if starting so high (450 Fostimon) is the best option for me, since I do respond well and they usually lower the dose quite rapidly from then.  Also, the new one uses Menopur.  No idea if this would make a difference (although the cons thought not).  Both cons told us 2 to 3%, based on age, past operations/scar tissue and results of last 2 attempts.  Can't the fact that the 2 eggs on the last attempt not fertilising be unlucky?  It only takes one surely

Even writing this makes me think that perhaps trying again would be hopeless...  DH and I have decided to give it a few days before we decide what to do.  I am keen on adoption if we move on, but at the moment he seems to be in 2 minds.  I just can't/don't want to see a future without children   , although we do have a wonderful marriage, despite everything we have been through; and adoption is quite scary too.  I guess I was hoping that new cons would come up with something more positive to hang our hopes on.  I wouldn't go back to the other one cons now anyway, as he said we'd be throwing our money away and obviously has no faith in it working at all now.

Crikey, my head is spinning....

Thanks for listening, any thoughts would be appreciated?

BH xx


----------



## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Hi hunni

A huge decision you have to make!  And I think you are right to take your time and weigh up all the options before you go ahead with what you decide.  

I just wondered whether you had, as yet, done any research into adoption in your area, as that might give you more gut instinct to go on.  Is it possible to ask for an initial meeting with the agency so you can talk through everything; that will give you a clearer idea of timing, age of child you can adopt etc.  I know the adoption procedure is very different from when I was adopted (although my parents still had to go through a very strict process before being given the go ahead) but I do know from my personal experiences that it can be so rewarding for both the parents and the child/ren.  Although I have subsequently met both my natural parents and have a strong relationship with my silbings, my 'home' is with my adoptive parents.  I just feel so incredibly lucky that I was given such a wonderful childhood and life.

In terms of whether you should have another attempt at IVF, that is such a difficult call and I think it depends very much how you feel.  Can you cope with another attempt?  I say that honestly because I truly believe your heart will tell you when enough is enough. I think it is absolutely possible that it was an unlucky outcome on your last attempt and that doesn't mean it would happen again but are you prepared to take the chance?  Does your clinic (sorry I've forgotten which clinic's you're at) specialise in us goldies?  Or, if you give it one last shot, could you go some where that does?  I understand from my con that with Menopur you normally get less eggs but better quality.  Did you normally have a good amount of follies but few eggs?  Could it be that the drugs were stimulating you too quickly and the eggs didn't have time to mature?  Maybe Menopur is something to look into as it might stimulate you differently.

I really hope you manage to find the right direction to go but I know the next few days/weeks will be hugely tough for you with all the soul searching you need to do.  Big hugs to you hunni and I'll say a little prayer for you tonight that you will find the right direction to move forward.

Much love
Allison xx


----------



## gojobun (Oct 22, 2007)

Hi there,
I'm new to FF, just managed to delete my previous post to you I think?!

just wanted to say I'm at a similar stage and have tried IVF and now FET which were the last of my frozen embs (just got a BFN). I have good FSH levels etc but am older just 43 (hubby 3. After 3.5 years of unexplained fert I'm fed up!
We also have a fab relationship and - same as you, I've always been up for adopting but hubby a little more unsure. BUT recently we went to an adoption roadshow and he was really interested in listening to others stories and came away saying he'd prefer siblings (there's me thinking one child all along!).

It might be good for you both to go and talk to a social worker just to get some info so that you've got an informed decision?! just an idea.
I personally am ready to get my life back for a while, I found the drugs particularly harsh on me and emotionally it's just dreadful. Not saying adoption will be an easy way to have children either though - but seeing friends with their natural born kiddies it seems they don't have it _that_ easy anyway!

Good luck with whatever decision you come to, it's a difficult one.
GJB
x


----------



## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

BH,

I'm so sorry you've had disappointing news from your consultant and are struggling to know which way to turn. Like Allison and GJB say perhaps arranging to speak to your local social services about adoption in your area would be a good first step. I've always found that when you've got a big decision to make like this doing some research into all the options available to you can help. You suddenly come to a point when you know which direction you want to go in. 

It's also very difficult to make a decision when you're still reeling from recent bad news so as much as you feel the need to make a decision and stick to it, please take some time to digest the information you've been given and research all the options you have available to you. You do still have options     and there's no reason at all for you and your DH to face a childless future if you don't want to. There are many many options and ways to achieve a family it just may not be the way we all imagined it would be but where there's a will there's a way....

Good luck with whatever you decide. If you are interested in adoption there's a wealth of information out there to help you and an area on Fertility Friends that ladies who've decided on this route to achieve their family use. 

Love and luck, CG xxxxx


----------



## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

GJB - sorry for your recent BFN    It's a bummer isn't it. 

Wishing you every success for the future, whichever route you take to achieve your family and dream.   

Love, CG xxxx


----------



## BH (Aug 20, 2004)

Allison, GJB & CG - thank you all so much for your responses, I really do appreciate that you've taken the time to reply and given me such good advice.  You are right, I think we do need to take time and the right decision will come to us.

Allison - thanks also for sharing your personal experience in adoption; it's so lovely to hear that you had a wonderful childhood and are so clearly so close to your adoptive parents.  I really do feel that we could experience the same bond should we be lucky enough to be able to adopt.  With thinking about another IVF attempt, I'm really not sure at this stage if I really could cope with another cycle..but then maybe it's just too soon, I don't know.  I feel, as we all do particularly on this thread, that time is of the essence, and that puts huge pressures on us doesn't it. But it's not always a good idea to rush things I know.

GJB, so sorry to hear of your recent BFN  
Know exactly what you mean about getting your life back on track for a while - it REALLY takes over everything doesn't it and is impossible to plan.  Most of our friends know about treatment, but some don't, and it's sometimes been difficult to come up with excuses as to why we can't plan to attend certain events etc.  Of course the getting on that emotional rollercoaster is the hardest of all.  That's really positive that your DH found the roadshow so interesting.  I believe that there is another awareness week coming up? 5th Nov is it?  So there should be alot of programmes on tv. etc. I think.  I must look into that.

CG, Yes, that's a good idea about doing some research before we decide.  I think it'll do DH some good to actually speak to someone.  In fact my friends knows someone who works in that area and she has said that she would be happy to talk to us, so we are lucky in that respect.  It's just now going forward with the meeting, although we can think of it as a preliminary meeting, as part of research so that it's not so scary!

Thanks again for your invaluable support xxx


----------

