# Magic moments: sometimes it feels good to be child free!



## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear all, 

After being utterly inspired and totally empowered by FBs amazing thread (not bad after posting only a couple of days ago about my turmoil over when to stop) and everthing within it that you all added, I thought I'd share you with this recent silly moment that made me smile and actually glad we don't have kids.

We were at a friend's barbecue (I'm living in Australia before you think I'm mad) and, unusually, most of us round the table were child-free. It was very relaxed and good fun but one couple were really frazzled, running around after their very grumpy toddler  . Suddenly the toddler did the most amazing projectile vomit I've ever seen (think 'The Exorcist') totally covering the mum and even part of the table (though luckily not the end we were sitting at  ). After a few seconds of shocked silence came the classic comment from one of the guys to his wife: "Alison - we forgot to have children!". We all fell apart laughing (even the dad of the pukey toddler) and for once the shoe was totally on the other foot: the couples without kids were the ones breathing a sigh of relief about their status and good fortune! (I was later told both parents went down with the same bug and were laid up in bed for about a week... ).

Whenever I think about that moment it always makes me smile. That man who made that comment and his wife were totally at ease with their childless state. I guess sometimes we just have to turn our thinking around and remember we may actually be the envy of parents occasionally! My sister, who has three kids, says this to me all the time. She really envies my life at times and the freedom we have to do what we like without having to put small people first. Perhaps the grass is not always greener...

Anyone else got any standout moments where it actually feels good to be without kids? I'd love to hear them!

Feeling much better than I have done in ages. Thank you girls!

Love Bee xxxx


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## foreign body (Oct 12, 2006)

Bandicoot,
wow...this is exactly what i had in mind when i said that we need a paradigm shift! I am also glad to hear you are feeling better. 

I think the key to empowerment lies in focusing on a different life narrative, one that doesn't revolve around the lost hope of having children, but around us as individuals who overcame infertility by setting different goals. 

We spent so many years envying pregnant women, and looking at families with children through rose tinted glasses that we have made a myth out of them. The reality is far more prosaic than we think. As you said, they probably envy us just as much as we envy them! 

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday. I bumped into a friend i hadn't seen for ages. She looked worn out, much older than her age, and not as happy as i remembered her.  At first i thought something terrible must have happened to her, an illness or a loss in the family. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she is four month pregnant with her third child. She has two small kids from a previous relationship, and when she was about to start working again -she is a designer, and closed down her company after the birth of her second child - she got pregnant again by accident, and married this guy she had only been dating for 6 months. She even considered having an abortion, but the guy was so excited at the prospect of becoming a dad, that she realised she had an obligation to him to carry on with her pregnancy. She loves this guy, but had never thought she would have another child at the age of 39.
She started complaining about her morning /afternoon/evening sickness,  loss of sex drive,  constant fatigue, financial worries, anxiety about the future, to the point i felt sorry for her. I am sure that if she hadn't been honest with me, i would have rubricated her under the category "happily pregnant woman- keep away". 

If we scratch the surface of those glossy images of happy mums (a marketing device!) we discover a very different reality. Mums are not necessarily happier women than us. Any woman can be happy or miserable, regardless of whether she has a child or not. Children don't make a miserable life happy, so why do we think that not having a child makes a happy life miserable? 

I  tried to be honest with myself, and have come to the conclusion that having a child at my age would be a problem rather than a solution. Finally my friends' children are reaching adolescence, some are already in college, so very soon my friends will stop talking about their kids, and  find something else to fill their empty nests. If i had a child now, i would be hanging out with women 15-20 years my junior, who have very different life experiences. Would i truly enjoy their company or would i put up with them just because their kids go to the same school

I know that it's more difficult for women aged 30-35, but hold on...there is light at the end of the tunnel. By the time you reach 40, there will be less children parties to deal with, less pregnant friends, and those friends you thought you had lost for ever would start calling you again, desperately trying to catch up and make up for all those adult pursuits they missed while they were dealing with baby pooh (or baby vomit, to quote Bandicoot!)


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## foreign body (Oct 12, 2006)

In my 30s i invested so much in the idea of having a child, that everything else took second place. I put so much emphasis on it, that my marriage fell apart, my career stalled, my social life suffered, and i felt like a complete failure.
Now, with hindsight, i realise what a huge mistake i made. Even partners were chosen on the basis of "he would be a good dad" rather than "he would be a congenial life partner". I turned down men who were adamant they didn't want children, or men who already had children.

Now that i am older and the pressure has been lifted, i can finally see how lucky i am. I have a circle of friends who either have no children or children old enough to be indipendent, a job that i like, a lot more disposable income than i would if i had children, i can travel with my partner to places that families couldn't even consider. I am a film buff and every year i buy a festival pass and watch dozens of movies (try and watch three films a day during the weekend if you have children! ), i can go to the gym every other day, my body hasn't changed much since i was a teenager (i still weigh 48 kg.), i don't need to make too many compromises in terms of my relationship and really enjoy my independence (my partner and i live in two very close, but separate flats), i live in a city where 34% of women in my age group are single and have no children (HK has the lowest birthrate in the world, 1.2 children per woman).

Then i look at my sister, who is single and has a 4 y/o with serious behavioural problems. This child is a little tyrant that screams at the top of her lungs everytime my sister says no, once threw my sister's purse from the 6th floor and nearly hit a passer-by, smashed my parents' 18th century vase in a fit of rage, and is so unmanageable that no baby-sitter lasts for more than a couple of weeks) . I dread to think what kind of teenager she will become. Needless to say that my sister is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and can't hold a job. If it wasn't for my parents' financial help she would be on welfare. 

Maybe if we took a closer look at families with children, we would be less prone to envying them!


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

What an inspiring thread.  I like very much the idea that children don't make a miserable life happy (which is true) so why do we allow the lack of children to make a happy life miserable?

My most recent big standout moment was visiting India which I absolutely loved (and hope to go back next year to celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary) and we could never have dreamed of doing it if we had children.

A smaller standout moment was at a recent training day at work. We were all asked what our life challenges were and without exception all the women said struggling with guilt over being working Mums....even the trainer listed it in her challenges (interestingly not one of the Dads present mentioned it).  My life has plenty of challenges just like most people, but none of them bring such a heavy burden of guilt.

I've come to the conclusion that my child bearing prime is behind me (putting it mildly) and I if I'm honest with myself I know that what I wanted so much is my 30s looks pretty unappealing in my 40s (projectile vomit and tyrant toddlers......I'll pass)


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear girls
Hey Bee i love the story! I found myself smiling and laughing at the same time. Its so nice to get some reprieve and to beable to sigh some relief at times that living life without children is not at all bad.
I am nearing the end of my counselling course and i have to go through personal counselling myself, which happens to be very handy...which will lead me onto my next bit. Something we talked about in the session was about my desire to have children. Its as if all these years i have put a great big thing on the fact if i have children, everything will go away. Thats when it probably starts, a whole load of other issues and even more worries.
What she also pointed out that was so interesting. She said whilst i am stuck thinking having children is so important.I am not seeing life. I am not looking at the trees and looking at what i have to today. Children do not solve a problem. It is about finding ourselves and enjoying our partners, because when the children go we still have to have a foundation in the relationship. She also highlighted the difficult issues of bringing up children. time consuming and loss of freedom. If i am honest i love all these aspects of my life and the reality is a fantasy of what i believe a child will bring. Forgetting the projectile vomiting, sleepless nights. In my mind i was just going to play ringa ringa roses. Bring the baby out for birthdays and christmas and dress in pretty dresses or play rumble tumble.. 
Hey, but the reality is having a nephew around the house about a month ago...wanting the child to behave. Hoping that it would fall asleep and happy to show them to the front door...after clock watching for two hours...
Thanks i am sorry if i lost track after a while...
lots of love astridxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi again B!

So good to read about your your magic moment so soon after I replied to your first post! Forgive me I don't have time to write of one of my stories just now - I am off out for some magic moments with DH in a bit!

Love

Jq xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hey,girls. You all know my mantra by now but you might not - "babies turn into teenagers"!!!!   

Having been thru the teenage years with sdaughter(not thru them yet by any means!) has been what made me and dh stop and consider if we really wanted to keep going ttc.I am 36 and he is 46 now. If i had a baby next yeareven we would be 51 and 61 when the next one would be 15!!!  I find it hard enough as it is at this age (and even tho i have had 10 years and nice ones when sd was 5-11) i dont know if i would be physically able for it all again. Of course the baby age is lovely (if they sleep!!) but after a few years it takes its toll.I was a young 25 when i became a " stepmum" and now i feel ancient!!! 

However- i am regaining my youth.Was bridesmaid dress shopping on Sat and got beautiful dresses.Had nice lunch out and would i be able to do all this with a toddler/baby- no!! And we havent got to the hen weekend yet!!!  

Bandicoot -your story made me lught tho- its so true.


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Hi everyone and so sorry to have not been in touch for a few days but m/c finally arrived and at the same time a ghastly stomach bug so it's been a vile few days. I did wonder if the stomach bug was retribution for being all smug about the vomit-covered mother I told you about...!

Irisheyes you are absolutely right: babies do turn into teenagers (eek) and sometimes I get so fixated on actually being able to carry a child and have a cute baby I think I forget that cute babies grow up into surly teenagers. I have noticed that my obsession and sadness does abate as friends' children start to grow up.

Astrid, I found myself nodding along like an idiot to your post as I too have got into the mindset that if I have children everything else will go away and life would be perfect. Rubbish! As you say, that's when the worries and stresses probably really start. What do they say about having a baby being like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage? Well my best friend got post natal depression after having her longed-for baby by IVF and she said nobody understood why someone in 'her position' (ie infertile) wasn't blissed out by every single moment (she had a baby that cried non stop day and night and was honest enough to admit to me she hated the first eight months of motherhood). It was like she was expected to not be affected by any of the usual stuff new mums feel and should just be grateful. So in the end she never told anyone how she really felt and had an awful time of it.  She said the pressure this added when she was already exhausted, with hormones and emotions all over the place, was immense and really didn't help with the depression. Anyway Astrid back to what you mentioned, yes you are absolutely right: having a baby is not a magic wand or a fix-it for all other problems in life but I think sometimes in my lowest moments that's certainly how I've viewed it. You just end up romanticising it, don't you? Well, like you with your nephew, we've had lots of people over to Oz to stay with us with young kids and we've never been more glad to see them go and get our lovely lives back! When they're with you for a few weeks you see the warts and all real life version of what parenthood is like and while there are of course wonderful moments, or we wouldn't have all been chasing this, the reality is it's bloody hard work.

Flipper and **, you both make the very good point that what you wanted so much in your 30s is pretty unapealling now and I think that's why hitting 38 has been such a watershed for me. I've chased this virtually this whole decade but, as you say **, if I hang on in there, there will soon be less pregnant friends etc to get obsessed about as they'll be moving beyond that stage. Your story of the pregnant, exhausted friend you bumped into was fascinating and insightful.

I could go on all night (which it is here now) about all your posts but to stop you all falling asleep just let me say I have read them and re-read them and once again all intelligent, funny and thought-provoking posts have empowered me beyond words. And while I can't say yet that I'm definitely ready to walk away from the IF treadmill I know I feel better and more positive about the idea of stopping than I have done for years. Thank you!

Bee xxxx


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