# Choosing your donor



## Hopeful-H (Aug 17, 2015)

Hi.

I wondered if anyone who has been through choosing a sperm donor as a single woman could offer me any guidance. I'm currently trying to pick from 3 but I feel lost as to what basis to choose on. My main characteristic requirement is to have blue eyes as that is a very strong gene in my family. I also asked for someone of average male height and if the clinic could let me know if any were proven donors. So I have:
• One proven donor who matches my characteristic wants but sounds a bit 'unique' in his interests, and doesn't mention in his good will message about any possible child at 18 getting intouch with him, and I kind of wanted to hear that.
• I have an unproven donor who again has my characteristic wants, but sounds too good to be true in that he talks about his charity work and what sounds like a perfect job and family life. He also mentions in his good will message about being ok with any resulting child wanting to find him in the future which I like. My initial reaction was to like this one, but now I'm thinking that a teenager at 18 reading the profile could think wow this man is great, get their hopes up, go and look for him, and he could end up not being all the things that he sounds to be from his profile.
• Then I have a third also unproven donor, who I really like the sound of ..... but his eye colour is stated as blue/green which the clinic say means that they can look blue in some lights and green in others. He just sounds normal, and again says about a child finding him in the future.

Another thing to add is that the last two both talk of wanting to help couples, and in their good will message mention parentS. I don't know if they weren't planning on helping a single person!

Can anyone tell me what basis they made their decision on, and did you think far ahead to the possibility of any child wanting to meet the donor? Also did being a proven donor make a difference to you? The clinic have said that I should be as likely to get pregnant with an unproven donor as I would be with a proven one as the sperm is assessed.

H x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Possibly all too easy for me to say now after the event but my main advice on this would be not to 'over think' it 😄

I agonised over donor choice initially but after 8+ attempts and over 3 years, all I really cared about was getting pregnant....so I would say go with proven donor to maximise chances (no guarantees of course!) 

I don't think you can second guess the future - what they say (or don't) now may not be how they feel in the future and you just can't predict what might happen in the next 18years. So I would try to leave this out of the equation - all UK donors have to be willing to be contacted so I would just see this as a level playing field if you see what I mean 😄

re eye colour, this is potentially not very helpful but my donors (I had double donor treatment)  both apparently had blue eyes and my twins are both hazel eyed - so there would seem to be no guarantee of blue eyes even if donor has them

So I guess what I am saying is just go with your gut feel and make the choice that you think you feel instinctively most comfortable with and be done with it - once you have your baby I can promise you none of it matters anyway 😄

Wishing you all the best with it 
x


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

I'd also agree with not overthinking it - it's something you'll barely, if ever, think about once your little bundle arrives. We (same-sex couple) only saw the most basic information of our six options (eye and hair colour, height and weight, occupation) so we had no idea what sort of a person our donor would be, or whether he'd be interested in communcation with any child born in the future.

All I wanted was a successful pregnancy and a child. We actually made our decision based on the fact this particular donor stated his height as 5ft 11.5 and I laughed at the fact that someone might be so anal as to specify the half an inch.  It doesn't have to be a big decision; yes, you're choosing half the genetic make up of your potential children but you're not choosing someone to raise your child with you. Follow your instinct on this one. Turns our our donor (we applied for more information once DS was born) wrote a lovely goodwill message and sounds (as far as you can tell from a questionnaire about hobbies and interests) like a lovely man. Think about it, to donate at all and be willing to receive contact later on (all UK treatment has to be with open donors) they can't be horrible people. Just remember you're trying to bring another person into the world; does it really matter what eye colour that little person has?


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## Hopeful-H (Aug 17, 2015)

Thanks for your replies. They are very helpful.

H x


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I found that the messages though some were thoughtful sounding I too worried that my lo would build this dream of a perfect Father. Something I didn't want when ultimately I have no real idea what type of man he is; dramatic but by then he could be a murderer!
Ultimately I shortlisted those with no messages or messages that were honest along lines of, needed the money, over being totally altruistic.

Re eye colour, I had a preference in an ideal world, it didn't work out!

I would go with proven donor, message as above then eye preference...

Good luck.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I agree with all the above and if you can track down a documentary called "Donor x" it's well worth a watch and also why it's so important not to build this person up too much in the eyes of your child as you will never know his true identity   and this documentary was a real eye opener to the realities of donation, I agree he's not a dad but a man who's done a very kind act


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I used a known donor for the sole reason he was there when it mattered.


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## Curlykale (Jun 19, 2015)

I used an anonymous donor because I don't want there to be any confusion over parenting in the future, but I know that may cause problems in the future when the child wants to know where half its DNA came from.  My hope is that it will have such a happy secure life that it won't matter, but maybe I'm being naive!  

I chose from Cryos, first on the basis of hair and eye colour so that it would look like me and fit into the family (we are all dark hair and dark eyed), and then I went on profession.  Was choosing between a pilot and a psychologist and went for the latter.  I agree with the other posters that I don't think it's something you'll think much about once the baby arrives, but someone with good intentions who sounds open and honest would seem to be the way to go, since those are probably qualities you'd like in your baby.  It's a very personal thing, but go with your gut.


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