# Bit of a rant



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Girls,

Posting this here so as not to clog up the other threads with negative energy....but just need to rant for a bit.

So, I go to the clinic today for day 11 scan, having been told by the consultant (after long discussion about how difficult it is for me to juggle tx with work) that the beauty of medicated FET is that you can schedule it more or less to suit you, and agreed that w/c 25th Aug would be right timing for me so I'd kept it free from work commitments. Have scan, then nurse comes along and says right, transfer is this Thursday - the same day that I have 4 people coming from Harrogate for an all day workshop which has been planned for weeks....anyway, after much to-ing and fro-ing we agree that I will come back for another scan on Friday (which means re-scheduling all Friday's meetings but at least they are mainly movable) and transfer will be Mon or Tue next week so it is sorted out BUT it just made me realise how utterly fed up I am of all this.

I'm tired of appointments and scans and counting days and worrying if and when AF will show up, whether I've got cysts or not, whether I'll get enough eggs, whether they will fertilise, whether the embies will defrost. I'm tired of getting up at 6am for 5 hr round trip to clinic sometimes 3 times a week, of working late to make up the hours, of lying to my boss and colleagues about where I am, of re-arranging meetings and never being able to plan anything - work or personal. I'm tired of injections and tablets and side effects, I'm tired of thinking about nothing other than all of this all of the time. I'm tired of the stress of worrying whether it's worked, and worrying what I'll do if it doesn't ever work. I'm tired of having no money, no holidays, constantly thinking about whether I'm eating the right things, exercising enough or too much (not that that's very likely!), taking the right vitamins, whether I'm doing everything I can to make it work. I'm tired of being moody and miserable most of the time, of not being able to enjoy life now because I'm constantly worrying about tx and whether it will work. 

I just want to be normal like everyone else. I want to have great sex with my loving partner, 'discover' I'm pregnant and give birth 9 months later - just like all my friends and family have done. I'm tired of being different, of people feeling sorry for me, or tip-toeing around me, or making stupid insensitive comments. 

In fact, I'm just really tired..... 

OK, rant over. No need to reply - I know we all feel like this from time to time, just needed to get it off my chest. Onwards and upwards....

Laura
x


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## Lully77 (Apr 11, 2008)

Couldn't read and run so for starters here's a big   .

I also kept our treatment a secret from everyone at work and hated the lying.  Actually they still don't know now.  I was off sick after a gynae disaster late last year for 9 weeks and now feel guilty for any hour that I need to take off for appts etc! 

We were lucky in that our treatment was NHS and therefore at our local hsopital, so disruption for appts was minimal.

Just think, you are very nearly there now.  It won't be long until it's all done and dusted and you get your BFP!   

I just want to be normal too but it's never gonna be like that for me and I have to accept that.

Hope that getting it off your chest helped a bit.  As you say, onwards and upwards!   

Lully x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

rant away...it's good...and I'm not surprised your tired of it all, it sounds totally and utterly exhausting, made worse by the fact that for everyone else it seems so easy.

Sorry can't make you feel any better, sometimes its good just to acknowledge its **** and hard-work and difficult to remain positive ALL THE TIME!


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

oops poop was edited...I obviously said something a little stronger!


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Laura     I'm so sorry that you feel like this today I was   reading your post. You have been through so much and really deserve for this to work.

I do not know how you have managed to stay so focused and positive so far, I can only imagine how stressful it is for you, I have had it really easy,  scans done where I work, I know I am now going abroad and am getting stressed about timing of flights etc but this is nothing compared to what you have to do.

Hope that this is the last time you have to juggle everything

Stay strong - you will get there   

Roo xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks everyone for the kind words and hugs. I know it's just a case of gritting my teeth and getting through these feelings....it won't last forever. Trying not to resort to my usual comfort option of large bar of chocolate (really need to get back to healthy eating after a week of total over indulgence in France last week)

Am seeing my counsellor this evening so perhaps that will help - although she has been pretty useless so far and I'm only continuing with it as got six free sessions through health insurance at work....

Ugh, think I should just write today off and start again tomorrow!

Laura
x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Laura, I'm sorry that you are having such a down day today     .  I can only imagine how tired you are of all this (having not started tx yet myself). You have been so positive and strong, and an inspiration, one day you will achieve your dream.    

Hope that your counselling session goes well tonight and that you are feeling better tomorrow  

Lou-Ann x


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Oh Laura honey!  I do so know how you feel although I don't have the 5 hour round trip to deal with as well.  I think there will always be days when we feel completely overwhelmed by it all & everything you say is so true.  I think we need to break it down into manageable chunks so we don't go mad & run a mile!  You will get there, you just don't know when.   

....as for great sex, I could do with some of that too!!!    

Dottie
xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Laura   so sorry to hear that you had a bad day at the clinic, but it could have been worse they could have said you can't come back for FET as there is something wrong. I think that it sometimes does us good to step back for a month or two off here and there.  The pressures you describe are very real- work, life and TTC, but you need to try and calm and give yourself (and your baby) the best shot and getting stressed can't help it. 

It is harder when you try and work around and plan around IVF cycles, we can't plan anything for definite.  Remember this can go on for years and years so you need to pace yourself and have stamina or you can loose the plot!!(I think I lost it a while back  )

Sorry to hear that your counsellor is not helpful, perhaps you should say and change, or maybe another approach might be more helpful for you.

Take care hun and goof luck for the next scan.  Have you explored if you could have your scans done locally and email them or the reports up to save the journey, or maybe move to a clinic closer to home- you can move your embryos in the UK quite easily.

Lx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Lou Ann, Dottie and JJ - just a bad day, sure I'll be OK again tomorrow....I know this is potentially a long long journey and I've just got to stick with it. Some days are harder than others that's all. Especially when over tired, with a cold/sore throat, suffering post holiday blues etc etc...

JJ - I wish I could move to a clinic nearer home but the only one which would really make a difference travel wise is Woking and they don't treat single women. Wessex in Southampton is an option but would be similar journey so not much point switching - especially as they have no/very limited sperm. Next cycle will be Reprofit if this FET doesn't work - which brings its own logistical challenges but I'll worry about that when I get to it (or hopefully I won't have to...)

Counsellor means well but it's only 6 sessions in total so we can't really start to get into anything. Will see how I feel after the last session in a couple of weeks time - if need be I'll look for an alternative counsellor - but not really sure counselling is for me....just not sure how it will help. I know what the issues are, just need to keep on keeping on

Once again, thanks all for the kind words - I didn't post to get replies, just to get it off my chest - even being able to do that and know you all understand is fantastic. Have succumbed to the chocolate and will get an early night - sure tomorrow will be better

Laura
x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Ah Laura...wish I could give you a real hug!!  You're completely entitled to have a rant...we all are....I'm currently having mini meltdowns every couple of days!  

I can empathise how hard is must be having spend a week with couples and families.....I've turned down a few dinner invites recently cos I just can't bear the thought of being the only singleton. 


And as for the money.....well I'm just about to watch Dragon's Den for some inspiration!! 

I know you didn't need replies....but I too couldn't not reach out following the emotion of your posting. 

...Dinky xx

ps....you can have a cheap holiday in Scotland anytime you'd like!


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

maybe its good for us to have a rant section! then we can keep all the positive energy in the other threads!  I'm sure it could get quite busy on here.... and would be very cathartic.

Hope tomorrow it better Lauris.x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Lauris maybe speak to Nat Gamble but I think that clinics now cannot refuse to treat single women, and if you have bought sperm from LWC you can move it around the country.  What about Wessex where Katie is?
I do feel for you.  
L x


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Laura


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

A rant section might well be a good idea. You expressed exactly what I'm feeling too. And to add....I'm sick of people telling me to be more positive because that will help me conceive...   

The clinic should have given you a treatment plan ages ago if you are doing a stimulated cycle...that's the whole point of it!!!!!!!!! No wonder you are angry, it's perfectly reasonable to be.

Hang in cycle buddy....it is poop, tiring, frustrating, isolating and heartbreaking. We do it all for that one moment of elation, a line on a stick....I haven't even been able to think too much about what happens after that any more cos it's too blooming painful when it gets whipped away from you.

Hopefully our time will come...hopefully I might also get some lovin' from a man at some point in the future too...too much watching the olympics and all those perfect male bodies...aaaahhhhhh. 

Lots of love to you...

[fly]        [/fly]

Muddylane x


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Here, here Muddy...lots of fit talent to look at on the tv!!  Who needs the real thing anyway??

Laura - just a thought.....even if they don't 'treat' singles could you not just pay for your scans locally

Dx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Dottie,

Yes, could pay for scans locally but LWC won't discount the cycle so I'd be adding quite a bit to the costs. Although perhaps for ease this would have been a good option. As it is, I have just one more scan Friday, then the FET next week

Then either it's BFP and not an issue, or I go abroad anyway - in which case I will def find somewhere local to do the scans....

I was very low yesterday for lots of reasons (slept badly so tired, fighting end of nasty cold, post holiday blues etc) so I think I rather overreacted to the clinic situation. Didn't help that I got the nurse who I don't really like and who always gets my back up...
All much more in perspective today and it's not too much of a big deal. I've re-arranged Fri and next Tues so I can get to the clinic and still do most of my meetings....

Thanks again to all of you who replied. I know my 9-12 months of trying and tx is very little in comparison to some, I just really needed to get stuff off my chest yesterday and it's so good to know that you all understand

Feeling much better today thank goodness!
Laura
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Glad today is better, Laura.


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Laura - sorry to hear that you have been having a rough time.  Glad you are feeling a bit better today thought  

Some1
xx


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