# A dilemma - opinions pls?



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Girls, 

I have a bit of a dilemma so I'm thinking writing it down might help, and I'd also be glad to hear your thoughts too  

This morning LWC called to say that they have a potential egg donor for me who is ready to go in July. On the one hand this is fabulous news, on the other hand, I find myself just not sure if it's the right move....

The donor characteristics are not quite what I was looking for (dark blonde with green eyes whereas I would be wanting red/light blonde with blue eyes) and she is relatively old at 34 without proven fertility. 

I have also been concerned about LWC success rates for ED. Published rate last year was just 26%, although they tell me they have had 62% for the first 3 months of this year. Mind you, need to check how many cycles this is based on - 62% of 5 people is not much to go on, vs 62% of 30 people would mean much more - if you see what I mean (sometimes being a statistician by trade is a bad thing - I do tend to see the flaws in the data!)

And I have also been enjoying getting my life back a bit and not thinking so much about ttc. I think in my mind I had assumed earliest opportunity for tx would be September and I was quite looking forward to having a 'normal' life until then....

BUT on the other hand, what if I turn this one down and then nothing else comes up before the end of the year? I def don't want to wait that long. 

And then there is the CRM side of things too. I was very impressed with them on all counts and their success rates are a consistent 54%. But they are more expensive (especially with having to ship in sperm, plus costs for initial 'assessment' and review panel etc) and there is no guarantee when a donor will come up there (although it would seem that they usually match people in less than the 6 months they quote)

Saw my counsellor this morning and we talked about it a bit, and I wondered whether my reluctance to accept the LWC donor is because she is not the right donor for me, or whether it's because she's not me...if you see what I mean. Accepting any donor at all is going to be a big step because at the end of the day I'd rather I didn't need an egg donor in the first place. Not saying that I'm having second thoughts about ED overall because I'm not, but just that it's hard to separate out whether it's that specific donor which is the problem, or just any donor....

I need to think it over at the weekend and get back to LWC on Monday. At the moment I just feel very confused and not sure what to do for the best. I want a family very much, but am also conscious that funds are not limitless and I want to make sure I make the choice which maximises my chances the most

Hmm, not sure writing it down has helped much, if anyone has any wise words, pls feel free to comment - sometimes other people can see a situation better than you can see it yourself,

Thanks  
Suitcase
x


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Suitcase didn't want to just read and run, unfortunately I can't give a full reply to everything you've said right now but one of things that struck me about your dilemma was the time factor since finding out you would have to go with donor eggs.  It's really been no time at all and you've moved on that decision very quickly (which is great) but now having made it perhaps you do need that extra time to adjust to the reality, and therefore those extra few months until September seem very important for you.  As you know only you can make the right decision for you, but reading about the bit where you said the donor wasn't you, made me think perhaps those few months will help to get you in place where that won't be your thought anymore.  I know time and opportunity and very important things in this game, and make this offer very tempting, but perhaps you need to be more sure than you currently are, and I wonder if a few months break will help you get to that point.  Good luck with whatever you decide and take good care.

Wizard x

Wizard x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi Suity

You do like to make us girls work . First of all I am glad to see that things are moving forward for you even though they it does seem to be moving quite quickly.

LWC have pulled their finger out lately and they do seem to have come up with a good donor for you. She might not match your characteristics completely but she is close and I think if you set your criteria too narrowly then you could be in for a long wait. I have also found a thread which might be interesting for you from the SIRM board re donor age. http://forums.haveababy.com/index.php?showtopic=39095

The point which struck me from your dilemma is the one of timing. I think it has only been a month since you knew for certain that you do need to use donor eggs start your family and this really is no time at all. I know you have been thinking about using this option since the beginning of the year otherwise you would not have put yourself on the LWC waiting list but it is one thing thinking that you are going on a list as a back up plan to realising that you now need this option to fulfill your dream. I get the impression that you are still grieving the loss of not using your own eggs and as such you need to give yourself sometime to come to terms with this. You are enjoying your "time out of tcc" at the moment and believe me that can be the best tonic. You need to ensure your head is in the right place before you embark on this emotional journey. The donor bank must have an idea of who is coming through the system so can you ask them how long you might need to wait before another suitable donor turns up. I don't know about choosing egg donors but do they only go by external characteristics or do they go by blood type as well.

With regards CRM - how long will it take for them to put you through their assessment then go on their waiting list?

This whole journey is full of uncertainties but I am a big believer in going with your gut reaction. If you feel comfortable with what you have seen with CRM so far then go with that. You will be more relaxed throughout the process which should hopefully make your body more receptive to the treatment. Do not be afraid to say no to the first donor offered to you if that is what your gut is telling you. We live in the UK and I am sure it will not take too long to find a donor which better meets your needs.

Best of luck

Sima x

/links


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity  - hard one...  It does sound like this donor is part of an egg share program - is that right or am I on the wring track there?
I know when I first had DEIVF - I didn't really give a monkeys what donor was like - I was just so grateful to get that far... Now however I would prefer a 'proven' donor next time round.  Don't ask why - can't answer that one - just felt that I spent hell of a lot of money on DEIVF to be left with a BFN and no frosties!  Which I still have not received a reply on from repro.  Both Sperm and Egg donors were under 22 - so did sort of expect at least 2 frosties.
You really must go with what feels right with you.  If you are any way uncomfortable with this - then perhaps a visit to LWC to talk through your worries mighthelp.
Take care      
Mini x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suity

Its a tough one but they way I see it is even if you do get that 'perfect match' donor it still doesn't necessarily mean that your baby will have those characteristics. The donor they have matched you with isn't really far out to what you would like and at the end of the day will it really matter that your baby has green eyes and not blue and different shade of hair when you are holding him or her in your arms - I don't think so you will be on cloud 9!!!!!! 

Regarding going ahead in July rather than September again I am a strong believer of fate and you will still feel the same in July as in Sept regarding ED. Although you were looking forward to the break your forthcoming tx is I am sure always in the back of your mind so I say just go for it   

With the donors age again although it is at the upper limits of sharing it is still an opportunity and probably a good one, as a donor myself the testing that gets done before hand is riggerous   as it should be. I was a month short of my 34th birthday when I shared and both me and egg recipient got pg first time and now one of us has a beautiful baby boy   So it CAN WORK   

Ultimately only you can make these decisions and it is so hard constantly battling with the what ifs and buts  

Anyway thats my thoughts hope they help 

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Suity, I'd always say go with your heart in this game. You felt and clearly still feel in nned of a break. I would guess in most instances DE in the uk will mean unproven donors as it will be egg sharers who in most cases are likely to be unproven. You could always ask for the interests of your donor in case that helps your decision one way or another. In the meantime I'd say try & relax with it. One wonderful thing (of many once you have got your head & heart round the idea) of DE is that the ticking time pressure has slooowed down no end. Good luck with your decision making. Thinking of you. 

Love & hugs Felix xx


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## flying solo (Mar 27, 2009)

im not a expert in egg donation ,but i can tell you that im egg sharing and the only test i had on my fertility was a fsh level .but i have proven fertility and im only 26 .so how do they know if your donor has any problems do they test more if you dont have proven fertility  ?
on the looks thing im blonde haired green eyed ,and my ex husband was dark blonde with blue eyes  . i have 1 blonde little girl  blue eyes and a redheaded boy with green eyes  so i think even if you got a red head donor its not garenteed you will get a red headed baby .
only you will know if its right for you .i would say go with your gut .


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## annacameron (Dec 16, 2008)

I can understand the dilemma. 

Why is this girl getting treatment? are you allowed to know? I tihnk there's  a big difference between s/one of 34 with MF and s/one with eg a few unexplained mcs. 

With ED, I personally would go as young as possible, mostly because I'be been horrified by the tales of supposedly perfect blastocysts that test totally flawed with PGD, at relatively young ages.  

have you considered going abroad? if so, and you like all of us want to minimise costs, why did you opt for the more expensive UK? (if you don't mind my asking)


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Suity,

Don't have anything to add really, but wanted to say that I am thinking of you and hope that whatever you decide it is the right one for you.

One thing I did think when reading was that if for some reason another donor doesn't come up this year would you still be happy with your reasons for not going ahead with this donor, in other words are you willing to take the chance? It is hard and as others said go with your gut, that is normally right.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suity such a  hard decision, I can't offer you advice, if you did know why the donor was donating it may help you decided, it could be male IF.  I wanted a ED as young as posssible, I don't know how old she is though.  I got 11 embryos fertilised today even with dodgy sperm!!

It does sound as though you aren't 100% happy with their offer, and like Felix said DE has no time limit look at the 70 yr olds!!  it might be helpful if you could get more of an idea if there is a red haired donor on thier books, my friend has red hair and all 3 of her children do to.

Good Luck with whatever you decide

L x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

suity: tough decision, not sure I can add much to what everyone has already said.  It's very easy to get on this treadmill and stay so focussed on getting the end result that we sometimes don't have time to process thoughts and feelings. Taking a couple of months off and going ahead in Sept is still an option and even if you have to wait 6 months to find the right donor, thats not so long...you are still young in IVF world! (although I'm sure it would feel like forever!)  I am a big believer in instinct and if your instinct is that this isn't the right choice then, its tough but maybe you have to decline, but you have to be prepared to maybe wait longer than you would like to get the right donor.  The bottom line is, if it works, I really don't think you will care about the donor not having characteristics you wanted, you will have a baby. So maybe the question is more about timing than donor?  You are mentally preparing to get going again in the Autumn @ CRM, so maybe thats what your gut is telling you. It just feels hard to turn down a donor when you are suddenly being offered an opportunity to have what you want.

I'm sure there will always be a part of you that is sad that you can't use your eggs, in the same way that we all feel a bit sad that we are having to pursue this path, but once you are a mother, how you got there really won't matter.

Sorry can't be of more help.  You seem very good at making informed decisions, so I am sure that you will come to a decision that feels right...and as said below, if by Monday you are not sure maybe its because its not right....generally we know immediately if we want something  

xxx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, difficult one for you, and a choice that only you can make . I would say that if you aren't 100% sure that this the right time/donor for you then maybe you should wait. As the others have said, you aren't old in the DEIVF world, so maybe a few months spent finding yourself as planned, and getting your head round needing DEIVF would be beneficial.

Good luck with your decision making   

Lou-Ann x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I have an appt with LWC to talk it through on Monday so will defer any final decision until then

The donor is indeed egg sharing and is gay - hence the reason for tx. She's done some IUI (don't know how many) and is now moving to IVF. Have realised that chances of getting proven donor in UK are very low and even if I did, they could have secondary infertility anyway and being proven would mean nothing....And altruistic donors are pretty hard to come by. I've made my decision to have tx in the UK, so I will have to accept that I won't be getting a 21 yr old donor....

anna - I have chosen to have tx in the UK because I want an ID release donor. I know not everyone feels the same way, but for me it's important that the child can find out more about, and maybe even meet, the donor when they turn 18. 
I realise this means I am paying more, and potentially also getting an older and unproven donor, but I've done a lot of thinking about it, and I can't get past my own personal feeling that this is the best option for me, and more importantly, for the child....

So, will sleep on it tonight and see how things go when I meet with LWC on Monday
thanks again for all your thoughts,
Suitcase
x


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## flying solo (Mar 27, 2009)

just because your doing it in the uk dosnt mean you wont get a younger donor hun .im 26 and once ive had a child for myself i will be donating again there are a few young donors around .dont give up hope im sure you will get what you need best of luck
kellie


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Interesting - went to see clinic today and it turns out the donor has had a previous cycle of IVF from which the recipient got pregnant - so she is a proven donor, which changes things a bit. 

Tx would be end of August so I'd still get the summer to relax a bit. 

No other donors coming through for at least 6 weeks after that....which is starting to feel like a long time. 

So am inclined to accept. Am going to use a technique I used before when trying to decide whether to take a new job - which is to effectively decide I'm going to do it and then think/feel that all evening and whilst sleeping, and then see how I feel when I wake. With the job I felt physically sick when I woke, so I knew it was the wrong job for me. Let's see how I feel tomorrow re the donor....but for now I've decided to accept - scary!

Wish me luck  
Suitcase
x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Suity - that does sound positive.  It is good to hear that your potential donor's eggs have also resulted in a pregnancy.  Are you allowed to ask if that pregnancy resulted in a birth?  If tx is in August when do you have to give LWC your final decision?  I ask because I assume you will need to align your cycle up with your donors so medication might need to start sooner rather than later.  It does look as though fate is on your side.  Good luck with your decision making but I am glad to see you are getting hold of all your facts and you are beginning to moving forward.


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Suity - glad the appointment was useful and glad that you have made the decision. Hope you sleep soundly and wake up feeling happy with your decision.

R x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Suity,

That's great that the donor is proven. I was interested in what you do to help you decide and I will have to try that one!! 


Bingbong x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity - it is a hard decision and you've gone about it in the right way.  All the best and am glad you got the answers you wanted today.
Big hugs mini x


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Suity I'm so pleased things have moved on for you, and in the direction you wanted, so quickly.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you this evening!  I'd like to think that if a clinic proposed someone they' d have fairly high hopes of their suitability.  I guess this means that your little one would have half siblings?

Let us know how you feel in the morning

RL xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, I'm glad that your appointment went well . I hope that you sleep well tonight and wake up feeling happy about your decision 

Lou-Ann x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Suity

Glad you are feeling more positive now, I hope you sleep well amd wake up with comfort with your decision


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi all,

Thanks again for the thoughts and well wishes. Rang LWC today and accepted the donor. Feel happy and excited, so clearly was right decision for me  

So, nothing to do now except wait until mid July when we both go on the pill to synchronise our cycles and we go from there. LWC are putting their prices up July 1st (with significant impact of ca £1000 on DE tx) so I'm going to pay before then - bit risky if anything happens but then again, they can always refund me. And it's not as if savings accounts are paying loads of interest right now, so I'm not losing out much in that respect

Am going to go on CRM list too, assuming I am approved by their committee next week, as a back up - so if the LWC cycle fails, I should be able to try again before the end of the year...

Suitcase
x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Brilliant news suity - wish you all the luck in the world honey


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Mini


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Glad you have made a decision that you are happy with - never doubted you would be able to do it.

R xx


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Suity that's great news!!!   July will be here before you know it  

Bingbong x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suity so pleased that you are happy with your decision- how long did CRM quote you for DE wait?  I just think if I do go again maybe I should do it in the UK as it is about £1K extra everytime with flights, hotels for the 2/3 of us to go to Spain- so 4 wasted trips! and at least if it was in London it is would be a trip downt he road!

L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

JJ - CRM quote 6 months but there are at least two or three women here on FF who have been matched in 2-3 months - so I guess it depends on your criteria for the donor etc

Suitcase
x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

JJ1, adding to Suity's comments, at my appointment with CRM on 12 May, I was told that most people would be matched in under 4 months - however, there have been at least three ladies on the CRM thread that have been matched in between 3 & 7 weeks over the course of the last month.  They really are doing a great job just now in recruiting egg donors.


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

Hi Suity - I didn't add to what others wrote because I really didn't know what to say. It's great that you've found your way through this and are comfortable with your decision. Good luck with this cycle.  
OneStep


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Suity  -- I'm glad that the decision felt right, always so reassuring when that happens - great news
E xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, great that you feel comfortable with your decision and are happy to go ahead with this donor. July will be here before you know it  

Lou-Ann x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Just catching up with the threads - really pleased that it will be 'all go' this Summer Suity! Glad you are happy and comfortable with your decision - it makes all the difference, 

Have a lovely weekend with your family

Love
Kylecat xxx


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## midnightaction (May 20, 2003)

*suity* So happy that you have made your decision and are going to be going ahead really soon 

Gonna miss you being an abroady would have been good to see you out in Brno again, but I am so very happy that you are able to move on here in the UK 

Sarah xx


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Suitcase, pleased for you that you've come to a decision you are happy with.  Good luck


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Glad you have decided Suity   

Wishing you lots of luck    

Jovi x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

glad you have decision you are happy with...when will you get going?
xx


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