# ********, friend or foe!



## Pudding34

Morning all!

I have heard a lot of people leave ******** whilst on their fertility journey but I would probably lose contact with a lot of friends if I did, anyway I am thinking it may not be such a bad idea after all as I saw a post by an old colleague, who is still a good friend, about my old assistant from about 8 years ago with whom she is still in touch, she now has three kids and being that she is three years my junior you can imagine it was hard to see!

It's just one hit after another isn't it!

I'm currently mid way through a frozen cycle and am swinging wildly between optimism and plain heart wrenching fear that it won't work!

Not sure if I expect a reply but it always helps to vent out how I feel on here!

Pudding
X


----------



## Riley12

Hi Pudding,

I'm seriously considering coming off ******** too    Within 24 hours I saw a 20 week scan picture with the caption "All well, here we go again for number 2!", photo's of a 1 hour old baby and another person commenting how reassuring it is to hear their baby's heartbeat on their home doppler!  Some days I'm ok with it and others I'm not.

I suppose in some ways it cuts out the face to face or over the phone shock as you are prepared before you have to speak to the person concerned (in my case these 3 women are very close friends not random ******** 'friends') but if you hardly know some of these people why put yourself through the torture?  Delete anyone you're not close to as a start perhaps?

Have a good vent any time you need it, this is certainly the right place!



Riley x


----------



## Pudding34

Hi Riley

I deleted all non essential people from ******** a while ago, I am only friends with people on ******** if I am friends with them in real life too!

However it doesn't stop us seeing posts that our friends have commented on like the one I saw this morning!

I forgot the benefits of forewarning so I'll just have to slide straight past anything that looks like it might be about babies!

Funnily enough my sister in law, who also suffers from fertility issues and is pursuing treatment soon, and I agreed a little while ago that we would phone each other in the event we did get pregnant to forewarn the other and not launch an announcement assault in front of other people which has really taken off the pressure either way it goes! As no matter how happy I would be for her I would feel devastated that it wasn't me sounds selfish doesn't  it but I know how I reacted when the third of my three best friends announced her pregnancy in the space of a year I was happy on the phone and the minute I hung up I literally collapsed into a heap on the floor which was where DH found me crying about twenty minutes later!

Pudding
X


----------



## Riley12

Not selfish at all, completely natural and I've reacted in the same way on many occasions.

I've had to block the posts of one person as on our second attempt she found out at the same time as us that she was pregnant naturally.  I later went on to have another missed MC and of course her pregnancy is fine and progressing beautifully.  As far as she is concerned we are still 'friends' on ******** but I never see any of her posts and baby comments.

I think you and your SIL have a good agreement in place and I have my fingers crossed that you both have happy news to share with each other.

Riley x


----------



## Pudding34

My friend had a baby during our first 2ww  I was bleeding at the time so it was so hard to excited etc. 

A few weeks later we spoke and she compared my post cycle failure depression to her post natal depression telling me that she completely understood how I felt! A tad insensitive to say the least!

This is one of my oldest friends so avoiding her really isn't an option!

Pudding
X


----------



## tazza_uk

Hi all, 

I have a separate section for all those who are expecting/just had etc.  I don't want to delete them as they are friends, but cannot stand to have it shoved down my throat every time I log in.  I found this to be the best way for me.  Might help some of you?!

xxx


----------



## Bibbidi

Hi all!

I have a bit of a mixed reaction to ******** too - for family who live in Australia and very close friends, I love seeing their updates and pics of the kids but others...well I struggle!  

Today I've had to see 'Daddy's mini me' pics in my newsfeed and due to our circumstances of having to use donor sperm that makes me feel sick and upset.  I mainly hate seeing pregnancy/baby updates of people I don't know (or people I do know but have avoided!! ) because friends have liked or commented...and I know for a fact that because of this my sister doesn't like or comment on other peoples as she knows I'll see it and be upset.  I didn't ask her to do this, but she has admitted it to me after I had a rant after finding out someone else (a mutual acquaintance shall we say!) was pregnant and moaning about every symptom she was having.

Pudding - I think the agreement with your SIL is a good move.  There is nothing worse than having pregnancy news sprung on you in a large group.  Thankfully my 2 best friends know about our situation and have been very understanding and announced on a one-to-one basis a few weeks before it's become public knowledge...one in particular looked so scared when she told me I felt so bad


----------



## coweyes

You know you can still be friends with someone but hide their updates.  xx


----------



## Pudding34

The settings are great unless somebody you haven't reduced info on comments or likes something related to somebody else!


----------



## Caz

If you use Chrome as your browser you can add an extension called Unbaby me which replaces all the images of babies etc, with something else. I've not tried it so can't comment on its effectiveness but worth a try.

C~x


----------



## quietstranger

I've been avoiding my newsfeed too and slowly weaning my way off ********. Just can't stand seeing all those pictures and stories as happy as I am (and want to be) for my friends and family. I also have the added bonus of "friends" who, as much as I hate to be judgemental, shouldn't be parents. And seeing updates where people use their children as pawns in a nasty divorce, abandon them with grandparents/mother/father, or drag their child through a string of bad relationships... 
I tried creating a new account but same problem of still seeing what my friends were commenting on. Weaned myself off slowly so no one really asked why I don't answer any more. When people did I told them I don't trust the security settings/didn't have time to avoid THAT conversation. Didn't remove my account just stripped it down and use it minimally for now.


----------



## mrs_ss30

I came off ******** about 4 weeks ago by deactivating my account and i haven't looked back! My newsfeed, too, was full of announcements, scan pics and comments about how wonderful pregnancy/babies were.  While i don't begrudge anyone these things i just couldn't take it anymore.  

Since then my emotional wellbeing has improved drastically; i (almost!) feel sane again.  It was tough going cold turkey and i felt cut off socially but i knew i'd made the right decision when i momentarily caved and logged on only to immediately see another announcement.  I logged straight back off and haven't wanted to go back on since.  

Its a personal choice but i think cutting off ********, if you can do it, is absolutely the best thing to do.  For me it was becoming a form of mental torture!  Its wasn't easy but the pros far out weighed the cons xx


----------



## Tone

Hi ladies hope u don't mind me butting in but ive had such ** fear for ages now that I had to reply! I've always thought ** was a narcissists dream world so those people that gloat about their cocktail swilling, party filled lives have alwayss annoyed me but only when I started on my fertility journey did I realise there was a whole breed of people obsessed with splashing their poor kids all over ** constantly. It's really made me t]hink that if all goes well and I end up carrying to term I will no way be making any crass announcements for all and sundry to see, putting up scans which quite frankly are reserved for my nearest and dearest or putting up intimate pics of me in the later stages of pregnancy with dh kissing my belly etc. Arent these things supposed to be reserved for close friends and family? Why the need to 'show them off' to everyone!!!

Pudding at least your friends had the sensitivity to call you first to tell u about their pregnancies. One 'friend' in particular - it makes me laugh now but at the time I was devestated - was going through ivf and got pregnant whilst we were still the process of starting ivf. She knew about our struggles. She told me her news when she was 6 weeks gone at our nye party of all places. Needless to say I had no idea how to mange my feelings in such a public place and got totally drunk lol. We went out for dinner a few weeks later with our dhs where she proceeded t]o gloat saying 'look at me , I'm showing', and 'have you noticed that everyone's pregnant at the moment'. T hat was the last time I ever contacted her, I don't need friends like her. Other friends have been so lovely about announcing their news - one wrote a lovely letter which was so touching. 

Anyway, sorry bout that rant, didn't realise I was still so angry about it lol, but this whole thing we've been through will at least make us more sensitive to other people now. ivf is so common now, for every crass announcement someone makes there must be at least 2 poor ladies present going through the hell of ivf so I'm certainly gonna think carefully about how I announce it.

Wishing u all the best of luck


----------



## lauraf

Hi everyone, 

Hope its ok to join in, I've just read this thread and completely understand where all of you are coming from.  Me and DH have been TTC for nearly two years and I've just discovered I have high immunes at the ARGC so trying to get them down before I start IVF next year (hopefully Feb!) 

I just wanted to say I also feel p'd off I feel when I see people announce their pregnancy on ********.  I just can't help it.  One of my friends recently had a baby and was complaining all summer about being pregnant at the wrong time of the year  ...I've also read loads of 'here we go again, baby number 3 on the way!' and as much as I know I should be happy for them, at the same time it hurts in a way I can't control.  I'm so envious and it makes me feel like a bad person, when I know deep down I'm not. 

DH has just announced that a friend is pregnant with number two tonight, and I had to hide from him because I could feel the tears about to start and I felt silly.  I've just taken my humira drugs and its hard to watch other people just fall pregnant so easily (I know they only just started trying).  I can't help the way I feel, I don't think any of us can.  The way I see it, is its like we're scraping by in life, struggling to pay the rent and we've just found out our friends have won the lottery twice!  I have to see her Friday as well, so I'll have to brush up on my acting skills and practise my big smiles as I talk about her wonderful news (god I sound like such a b$tch! I swear I'm not, its just a bad day)
x


----------



## Pudding34

Lauraf you certainly can't help how you feel and you are definitely not a b$tch.

I had a scare on ******** this morning, a friend who has three kids already announced another pregnancy on ********, I thought she was safe, some other friends I have minimised to avoid any scary announcements when I don't expect it!

Anyway the post was quickly followed by another denouncing the first one as a hoax by her mate who had picked up her phone!

So basically there was no pregnancy but it still shook me up!

I'm in the middle of. The 2ww and going totally bonkers so this really didn't help, needless to say I have now minimised her to avoid any more silly pranks silly I know but it makes me feel better!

Pudding
X


----------



## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic)

I reduce the amount of posts of pregnant friends on ** with the settings. This way I'm still their friends but it's my choice to go on their profile and see how they're getting on. I congratulate all my ** pregnant friends who announce their pregnancies and new babies. I hide my emotions so none of them know how I really feel.

Having said that I don't deal with things well if they are sprung on me face to face. My closest friends know to text me with their news rather than tell me to my face as I can then digest the info and put on my 'mask' for when I see them next. If they tell me face to face its much harder to control emotions and I then feel mortified that I've upset them by me being upset. That's just my issue though.

I try to remember that everyone has their own battles and challenges. I have spent years watching everyone else get pregnant on ** and now it's my turn and now my statuses are pregnancy related. I dont post much maybe once a week or so. I know how hard it is for people to read if they have IF but they are able to change their settings too and I understand if they don't want to meet up with me whilst I'm pregnant. I have been TTC for 9 yrs and I don't want to miss out now on anything that other pregnant women do now it's finally happening to me . 

None of us can help how we feel and I certainly couldn't cope with pregnant people face to face when I wasn't. 

Lots of love and luck xx


----------



## benborg23

I don't think it's selfish. It is perhaps best, really. I find it hard to deal with the incessant baby posts from people who don't have to struggle for it. It makes what should be a fun way to communicate a bit of a nightmare for me. There are two ways about it though. You can either delete ******** entirely, or go the limited way. If you adjust the settings, then you can choose which people's posts are displayed on your newsfeed. If you know a friend is only posting about her ultrasounds and her third baby, then go into settings and select not to hear from her. She won't know. Or even delete the non-essential people - those old high school friends you no longer speak to. It's up to you who you hear from.


----------



## geegg13

FOE at the moment not many people know about treatment and TBH I get sick to death people bloody moaning about how bad things are OR blowing smoke up there own arses !!! sorry rant over !!! will go back on when treatment over


----------



## Miss pooh

I am a seriously mood driven person normally, so when things are not going well with our during ttc I end up off **, then I calm down and back on, then off then on. At least you have the option to do this with **, what I am struggling with now is face to face awkwardness. People ( who don't know anything about our journey) starting conversations in the pub with you about adoption, how they don't think they can have kids, but don't want them anyway....blah blah. I mean they don't mean any harm, but talk about awkward. I've had to walk away from these situations because I don't know how to deal with other people. FOE, definitely.


----------



## Dory10

I deactivated last week and it feels good!

I had to go on after our mmc as I realised it was the only way I could contact 2 old friends.  I sent them both a message explaining that I was coming off ******** and why and gave them my phone number and email address.  As I logged on my newsfeed came up with a lovely 20 week scan picture, a status announcing someone hearing their baby's heartbeat for the first time and a photo of an old friend with her bump.  Of course I am happy for all these people but it is just too much to take at the moment and my true friends understand this.

Dory xxx


----------



## Keeping busy

Pudding, didn't want to read and run. Not really ******** related but if you feel someone is being insensitive and it sounds like your friend was then however long you've been friends, in the long run you will need to protect yourself. Sadly for me infertility has identified that actually my oldest and dearest friend is no longer the friend I need so I have pretty much cut all ties with her as she was repeatedly insensitive and added to my pain rather than supporting me. Not suggesting you do the same but just want you to look after yourself in it all xxxx


----------



## Roxbury1

Foe definitely lol! My SIL is newly pregnant with her first baby and literally every day its a new scan pic, or a twinge or a craving or an "oh my God I am sitting here counting my blessings!" update and I literally want to throw up. I don't really have to option of deleting her unfortunately, being family. Rationally I am sure she isn't just being a smug cow trying to rub my failure to get pregnant in my face, but as I am sure all you ladies get, the infertility journey doesn't always make you feel rational


----------



## Tone

Roxbury, I actually don't think it's a case of us ivfers being irrational. You're sil should know better! I haven't announced my pregnancy on ** as there are a few people I know who are struggling and it feels like I'd be rubbing it in their face. And they're not even family or close friends! My so called friend  put her scan pics, cheesy baby bump pics with her dh kissing her belly etc on ** and she knew what I was going through and shed even been through it herself. In my mind there are either sensitive people or totally insensitive ones. I swore I'd be the former and I've stuck by it. Good luck!


----------



## Dory10

Roxbury  That's why I deactivated completely, it would have been too personal if I'd selected certain people to defriend.  I think it's the best thing I've done.  It also shows you who can really be bothered to keep in touch with you and who you really want to keep in contact with, as you have to send a text, ring or meet up with that person rather than sending a general statement to the world.

Tone, I had come to the same decision as you when I was pregnant, I'd been on the receiving end of too many bump, scan etc announcements via ******** and although I wasn't aware of anyone struggling with fertility issues, I didn't want to do anything that could upset.  Hope your pregnancy is going well.

Dory
xxx


----------



## geegg13

I' ve been told t grow a shell !! My SIL is pregnant with twins, my sister is getting married in FEB, me and our father are not invited !!!! whilst I sit here feeing like my whole world had crashed at my feet, looking back over the pat 10 years thinking what the hell has gone wrong ! why me !!!  2 divorces from bad men, 2  peas out of the same pod !!! Then now thought I had found happiness only to be delt the biggest blow ever and now I choose life without much chance any more children !! I know I shoul count my blessing I have my son but always wanted more !!!!
Big hugs ladies xxxxxx


----------

