# Impact of infertility on relationship



## csmb (Aug 27, 2013)

My partner and I recently found out that our only chance of conception is IVF and ICSI and her reaction is to back off the whole kids idea altogether. We were both in nest feathering mode but now she's entertaining all the adventures we could have as a childless couple before we've really determined that as our future. Suddenly we're moving in completely different directions where I'm looking for a life of more meaning and she's looking fora life of more fun. I'm worried for our marriage. Has anyone else been through this and do you have any advice?


----------



## MrsPG (Apr 7, 2012)

I can say that when I first found out about our infertility I put up something of a front to my husband and made lots of "instead of IVF, why don't we get a two seater sports car..." But they were kind of self defence comments if you can understand that. 

I'm not saying this is what your wife is doing but it may be a possibility. It could have hit her far harder than she wants to admit. I think you need to have a very frank conversation with her and possibly consider joint counselling. It's been really good for my husband and I. 

Good luck. X


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi csmb,

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, infertility is so cruel and can have a massive impact on your relationship. Perhaps like MrsPG your wife is trying to protect herself from the pain, but maybe she genuinely is able to see a life without children as being equally valuable and satisfying.

When it looked like I was miscarrying completely after my 3rd cycle of IVF, I spent a while trying to reconcile with not being able to have a baby, & visited a forum for people who were living child free, many by choice but others due to infertility. I don't think I would ever have got to that place where I could have been truly happy, but some people do, & I have a lot of respect and admiration for them.

IVF is soul destroying, particularly if you have to go through multiple rounds as many people sadly do, and the physical, mental, social and financial effects take such a toll that a life different to what you had planned is at least worth consideration, even if ultimately it is not something you decide on.

You mentioned ICSI, which is usually used for male infertility- sorry if this is too personal but depending on which partner or both has "the problem" can also affect how people deal with it. In our case I am the one who is completely infertile as a result of abdominal surgery, and I found it a lot harder than my partner emotionally and was far more desperate to do IVF than he was.

Have an honest heart to heart with your wife about what you both want. I truly hope things work out well for both of you.

B xxx


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

I think it's quite a healthy reaction to consider the alternatives rather than just plummeting into a well of despair. most people need quite a bit of time to come to terms with infertility and decisions that need to be made regarding it. can you have a short holiday together? do something fun to help her realise you are on her side? that way she may be in more of a mood to open up and talk about it... maybe you'd be able to chat about all the things you've ever wanted to do, and both see some things from the others list you could join in with.   for me, some of the things I have always wanted to do are very much requiring me to have a family to do them! But it's healthier to look at a joint list of ideas with some that aren't dependent on your having children, to help take the pressure off.


----------



## Lollipoppet (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi

You have received some great advice so far I just wanted to add my thoughts. Is it possible she is afraid of what infertility will do to your relationship? When I first got my diagnosis, such as it was (err we aren't quite sure what is wrong, but things aren't right), and told my family and friends I heard an awful lot of 'ivf can end marriages' and 'infertility kills most relationships'... whilst it is certainly true that many do suffer under the extreme pressure you don't hear about the many that continue every bit as strong as before despite the horrible situation. 

I was certain things would be OK, and they were. We didn't have any disagreements, arguments or difficult spots in our relationship despite everyone looking on and shaking their heads in concern. It is however unsettling when everyone expects to see cracks though. Could this be part of what your partner is afraid of? 

Also... I wasn't sure at first what DH would think of IVF... whether he would think of it as an extravagance, whether he would think we should go straight for adoption, or wouldn't be keen on the invasive medical intervention in our sex lives. Does your partner know how you feel, that you are 'up for it' if she is? Just a thought. 

Infertility meant we had to have some uncomfortable conversations...we tended to go out for long walks in the country and have them sat on a tree trunk or rock somewhere in the middle of nowhere miles away from any interruptions.. followed by nice lunches in a country pub with a glass of something nice. 

We did talk about lives without kids, but fortunately both of us were not keen on that direction. Do talk to her about her thoughts and present yours.. she does need to understand your side of things even if she doesn't agree (cue more uncomfortable conversations). Good luck.


----------



## coucou2009 (Sep 12, 2012)

Just to add my two cents, I think for women we grow up thinking we can all be fertile. When we begin to get our periods, we learn that happens when the sperm does not meet the egg. As we get older, we might take control of our fertility by going on birth control. We never think that we are not fertile. It is jarring and in some ways earth shattering. When you are infertile and going for treatments, you no longer have control over your body. Even menstruation is controlled. Your wife is probably scared and disappointed. I think she needs time to process the information. If she wanted a child before, like everyone else said on the board, she probably still wants one but the diagnosis put a ding in that dream. Luckily, we live in a day of modern medicine. There is help. I hope it  works out for you both.


----------

