# BFN for me BFP for recipient - I feel gutted:-)



## jakesmum (Feb 10, 2007)

OK, I'm probably going to get slaughtered for this email, but I feel I need to post it as I feel really crappy right now.  I have a four year old, conceived naturally and was devestated when I found out we had secondary infertility.  There was no way we could afford IVF and I was really down thinking we would never have another child as we would never be able to save that kind of money.  Then I heard about eggshare on another infertility board.  DH was dubious at first but I talked him round.  Of course, for us it was financial reasons that prompted the decision but I told myself that an egg is just cells and I'd be helping someone else so it was no big deal. 

So, why is it now, after our cycle failed, I feel awful finding out that it worked for the recipient and not for me.  I know this is selfish, but I can't help it.  I was devestated when it didnt' work, as I'd (stupidly) not once even considered the fact it might fail.  I'm young(ish) and already have a child, so I told myself there's no way it can't work.  Then out of fourteen eggs I ended up with six mature eggs, four of which made it to being embies.  I had two grade 1, 8 cells put back on day 3 and was told by the embryologist that they were excellent, she even said I should consider going to blast (something she had not recommended earlier with only four embies) as she wanted to reduce the risk of twins.  We didn't go to blast as we would already have to pay £1,125 for ICSI and have no savings.  Then, 10 days later I bled and was truly heartbroken.  I've just got my head round the fact it hadn't worked (I found out in November that it had failed) and went for my consultation today to talk about why it had failed.  I wish I'd never gone as I feel as crap now as I did then.  Now all I keep thinking is a) I should have been pregnant and b) my son will have a half sister/brother out there and I got nothing for it except the pain of the build up of exictment and all the let down of it not working (told you this would be a selfish post).

I can't try again until next December at earliest as I'm due to start college in September and this breaks my heart.  It just seems as if it will never happen for us again and my son will be an only child.  (again selfish as many women on this site have no children). 

I just wanted to post on here, to women who are thinking about eggsharing to say think it through properly.  I thought I had, but in hindsight I am so desperate for a baby, I told myself I was doing this massive caring thing for someone else so I could have a stab at IVF myself.  I never once thought I would be in this situation (niaive I know).

Let the onslaught begin


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi jakesmum  

I hope nobody here would dream of 'slaughtering' you for your email hun  

I am so sorry your cycle didn't work.  It must be hard knowing that it worked for your recipient but not for you - I am suprised that the clinic told you that information really.  I know others who have egg shared and always been curious whether or not it worked for their recipient so its obviously not all clinics that share that information.

I hope this won't put you off egg sharing in the future because as the recipient of donor eggs I know just what a special gift it is you are giving and I also know just how grateful your recipient is for what you have done.  I know that is no comfort to you just now though 

I hope you are able to have another go at IVF and that you get a BFP next time  

Love Jennifer xx xx


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## spooq (Sep 18, 2006)

Sorry to hear it didn't work this time round, hun. I don't think you're being selfish. It must be a really tough decision to make about donating eggs. I can't imagine what it must be like trying to get your head round it being successful for the recipient and not for you. Also, its perfectly natural to want to expand your family and to have a baby bro/sis for your wee boy.

Fingers crossed it works out next time


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## *kateag* (Jun 20, 2006)

Oh hun, there's not going to be any onslaught, and if anyone did have a go at you they deserve to be the ones feeling guilty not you. 

There is no way you can plan ahead for how you will feel if it doesnt work. Like you, exactly the same, gorgeous 5 year old, secondary infertility, 2 grade 1, 8 cell embies put back on day 3, no reason at all for it not to work but it didnt. We decided not to find out if it worked for the recipient as I want to distance myself from it, if it did, its her pregnancy and I dont need to know just yet. 

Its only recently that it's failed, you have to give yourself time to get over it. Even now, I "should" be pregnant and it still hurts, but it does get easier. 

Having Jake makes no difference to how you feel about another baby. It's not selfish of you, you are entitled to have feelings and you are allowed to be upset. 

It's going to be raw as you've only just found out it worked for the recipient, and I wont do the usual, you know it can work because you don't need to hear that. What did the consultant say? Just a fluke that it didn't work? 

You need to take some time out and be you. You will have a brother or sister for Jake, it might not be the age gap you wanted, but you will get there. And it will get easier to deal with. 

Egg sharing is a major decision, and if you have look on here, every single one of us had doubts at one point or another. Whether it's before or after makes no difference!! 

You have done an amazing thing, and no one else will ever be able to imagine the happiness that you have given one family, and you have to believe that your turn will come. 

Sending you a massive hug hun,  

Pm me if you need to chat. 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## *~Nic~* (Aug 1, 2005)

Emma   

Don't feel bad for how your feeling - time will pass and you will feel differently.

I am a egg sharer too - both of my treatments did result in pregnancy for me but both ended too soon  

When we had my follow up for the first treatment we found out my recipient had not got pregnant - I felt so sad for her and the fact that there was no good outcome after everything I had gone through.

On my second treatment my recipient did get a bfp! I don't know if she is still pregnant but will find out via hfea at a later date.

Everyone feels different I maybe I feel different as from both attempts I had got pregnant   even if they didn't progress

Try and be positive about it and think at least you have good eggs still and theres no reason why it won't be your turn next xxxx and by her getting pregnant you are proving to your clinic you are a good sharer so they'll have you back for another go  

   

Nic xxxxxxx


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## ~ MJP ~ (Oct 16, 2006)

Jakesmum  

Just wanted to send you a huge    What you are feeling is completely normal hun. I too like you niavely thought that IVF would definitely work for us, I have a son already, my partners sperm is good and our only problem is bypassing my badly damaged tubes. How could it not work?! And if we can help another couple too by egg sharing then great! 16 eggs later and out of our 8 - 6 great blastocysts! Wow we thought! The outcome was - 1 early miscarriage and 2 BFN's!! Sadly no baby! But my recipient got a BFP! I do feel extremely proud to have helped another couple who have probably been waiting for years for their longed for little one, but I do have sad days    They will be enjoying their first christmas with their new baby this year and we should have been too! Thoughts like this come to mind occasionally. Please do not feel bad at all because you are not! You are a lovely, caring person who has given an amazing gift. This is all still so raw for you and feels so unfair but in time I promise you feel better. I so hope you will try again when you feel stronger, whether that be as an egg shrarer or not, you will be rewarded sweetheart!   Big big hugs to you. 

Maria x

I too would also like to say to anyone who is thinking of egg sharing to make sure they are fully aware of what may happen. Please ask lots of questions and get lots of counselling from your clinic before you decide. I personally would love to see many more ladies donate - It's a fantastic and selfless act that can make and change lives! But please be sure it's right for you and your family.


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