# Coping when DH says no more......



## Norma12 (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi,

I'm after some advice. We had our first ICSI cycle this month resulting in negative result. Its still very raw & we're both hurting & emotional. Its too early to make a decision for me & my desire to have a childmeans I wouldgo through a cycle again even knowing the painof a neg result. But DH said today he feelslike he can'tcope with the pain & wants normality after 18months of hospital apts. he doesnt even want to go to the failed cycle review. 

I'm hoping time may change this but we need to be in this together. How do you cope as a couple when you disagree on something so important??


----------



## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

I'm so sorry. He's obviously finding the whole thing very hard to cope with which is totally understandable. It's just very hard when you don't feel the same way about the same things at the same time. Would you be able to have any joint counselling? Do you think he would go?

Hugs


----------



## CharlieClarke (Apr 9, 2012)

Hey Claire

Give him time... You sounds like you have both had a hard 18 months and that takes a lot out of you both physically and emotionally.

People sometimes forget the guys but they hurt too. 

He will come around in time.

Some people think that the first go is more of a trial run and sometimes you can learn from it.

Just take some time out and get your body back to normal. Over the next few weeks you will feel better and the fighting spirit will return. 

Take care xx


----------



## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Claire,

I agree with the others.  Everything is so raw at the moment.

My friend had a failed ICSI cycle and although her DH went with her to the review appointment, he sat outside and refused to go in.  She wanted to get started ASAP and he refused.  They agreed to have a 6 month break and then talk about it again.  Fortunately they got a natural BFP 3 months after failed treatment.

Take care and perhaps give him some time.  Fertility treatment puts a massive strain on couples.

X


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

yeah, give him time - my dp was similar, he just shut down and said that's it no more tx when we our first go failed. i went to the follow up appt alone with a list of questions and made notes so I didn't forget anything. A few months later dp was more than happy to have more tx and we got our DS. 


Give him a break and hang in there, he'll probably come round in his own time.


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think having ivf is a bit of an odd one for men.  I do think we forget how hard it is for them, yes there not having any of the medical stuff done but its still blooming hard and its still their chance of being a father.


There has been several times through our 4 rounds of treatment that my dh has said that he doesnt know if he can do it again and tbh, im pretty sure with out me driving it we just wouldnt have bothered.  But im sure thats the case for a lot of woman.  A fertility councillor said to me that that there would be no fertility clinics with out woman, as there the ones who have the drive and not the men.


The thing is that things are just so raw at the moment.  As you have said, you have spend 18 months getting to the point of having treatment, and then wam treatment has not worked.   .


Why dont you agree to leave it 6 months and then see how you feel, try and find some balance in your life and remember why you are together  , it does get easier honestly. xx


----------



## Norma12 (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice, it has really helped to know I am not alone.

I'm hovering in the upset & angry phase at the moment, don't feel strong enough to go back to work today as I just keep crying. We've agreed to take a break from treatment & see what the review apt brings, but he doesnt want to go to the apt, so I think I'll be going to that alone, he doesn't see the point. We've agreed its too early to decide, but at the moment he doesnt want anymore treatment where as i would give it another go.

He keeps asking if I'm ok, why I'm so quiet, but I can't switch my feelings off so quickly when i'm trying to get my head around not having a child. He seems to be able to just not think about it, although I know he is hurting.


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Claire i think he is just being a typical man!  Us woman are very much designed to be emotional, men can put their emotions in a box and only bring them out when necessary.


Iv had 3 bfn and can honestly say the first was the worst!  You start questioning your believe in ivf working and you kind of loose your innocence around it all!  The truth is that your very very lucky if it works first time as for most couples it takes on average 3 goes, it took me 4!  I have to be honest and say even though i am very lucky to 36 weeks pregnant with a draw full of positive pregnancy tests i still find it very hard looking at pregnancy tests, and that has to be to do with the trauma of having a bfn.


Take time to look after yourselves and re balance your relationship so its not all about having a baby. xxc


----------



## BlinkButton (Jul 15, 2011)

Hi Claire
Have you considered delaying your review appointment? You dont need to have it immediately, at least you should check with your clinic about that. Its just this whole process is about you both trying to create a family and going on your own could make you feel like you are in this by yourself. I can see yourDH cant cope with it right now and you cant force him to and better give him time to recover and think about it. Cant help feeling if you delay the review and wait till he's ready then you dont end up trying to go it alone. Dont want to make it more complicated for you but its what i would suggest to a friend. Whatever you decide i agree eith what others have said, see this as the first try to learn from, as hard as that is.


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

there is an alternative, sort of, if you are worried about your AMH falling while you are wanting to go again and he isn't, you could consider (carefully!) maybe you would be able to do a cycle and freeze everything rather than go straight to transfer? This would mean you get to cycle again and feel ok, but he might not feel so rushed into coping with a potential BFN again, since you'd delay that part. it might not be the solution it was just a thought. You could keep frosties for a few months and then when he was ready, it would be easier to have a FET at that stage rather than waiting til then to do a whole cycle.


----------



## Norma12 (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post suggestions, it really means alot.  

I'm going to wait & see when appointment comes for and phone up to delay it a bit, so we can have a bit longer off before we decide anything. We're been thinking of moving house for the last year, so we're going to put more thought & effort into that as a diversion. Although hubby said he can't see the point in moving for 3 bedrooms if we cant have children, but i'm being positive and reminded him the other reasons we want to move; dining room, more wardrobe space, bigger garden for growing his veg, garage/ shed for his space!!! We'll see, we wont rush into another stressful thing but i've got a feeling it will take a while to sell anyway!


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Claire

I am so sorry about your BFN.      I remember having all my hopes pinned on my first IVF and then the devastation when it didn't work.  We had never really thought past our first tx - we had just assumed that it was a be-all-and-end-all attempt and that if it didn't work, that was that.  I agree with the others that it is too early to make any decisions.  In a while, your DH may be able to see the first tx as the first step in a longer process - we got there too after the initial rawness of the BFN had settled.  I agree with the others that you should take a break and the idea of moving house seems like a good diversion.  Sending you lots of     I know that it doesn't seem like it just now but things will get better and when you are both feeling stronger your DH will be able to think about things more clearly again.

Ellie


----------



## CC_Lee (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Claire

We had our first round of ICSI in Nov and had a biochemical pregnancy. We were both (me more probably) in a very black place for at least a month. But somehow things have got brighter and we are able to think about going again. 

Like you my hubby has a low count and we had very poor embryo development, so we've decided to spend a few months trying to give us the best chance next time. One of the things we are doing is supplements for my dh - there is evidence they improve the chance of pregnancy and they take at least 3 months to be of benefit. So having decided to try this we've now got an "enforced" time out before going again. I'm finding it quite useful as its giving us time to heal from the last round and means that we both have time to feel ready, but it also feels like we're putting the time to good use (I'm also trying dhea and have started taking thyroxine to try and get my tsh lower). 

Like others have said I think you get so excited about he possibility of ivf wih the first one, but the reality is most people take more than one. Give your hubby time. We also had quite a late review appointment which was by chance but I think good in that by the time we went to it I was more rational and had ideas of what to try to discuss with the consultant. 

Good luck and take it one step at a time. I'm sure your hubby will come round.


----------

