# Reflecting on my own Childlessness



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi girls
I am not sure why i am doing this but i wanted to put my thoughts and feelings across to those who would understand. The route of my infertility path and how i have started to reflect on the past in a more constructive healthy way. This has been achieved by going on this workshop. Whilst i understand its going to be a slow progess i have some sort of relief and control already.
After going to the workshop last weekend i realised that my life has been clouded by this desperate need for a child and I neglected me..I have cried, screamed, expressed anger, felt alone and desperate because all i have ever wanted for myself and my DH was our baby. I have been so consumed about getting pregnant over the last how many years that i forgot about me. I am now starting to look at why there was this desperate need for a baby and whether it is more deep routed than i ever thought. It has made me look at my relationships within my family and maybe some of the answers lie there.
Over the last two months i have struggled with my feelings of maternalism. I have been scared that i won't beable to cope with my life in front of me without sharing them with a child. My hubby kindly pointed out that we have spent so many years switching them on, it doesn't happen over night to switch them back off. That seemed logical but i still couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to go out and adopt a child because that would take away the pain and i would beable to give all that love to another human being that really needs me. I now realise i cannot run to quickly because I have to sort me out first and thats going through the grieving process. Maybe time will give lead me onto adoption or LCF...i am just not ready yets to make those decisions.
I now understand that i have done the full circle of infertility. I have watched friends, relatives, work colleagues get pregnant and here i am still childless. Its as if i didn't deserve to get pregnant. Over the last few years it seems as if i worked harder and became a nicer person then surely i will be given the gift of life. Well it doesn't work like that, that is something completely out of my control i now realise. I still feel sad that my dream is unlikely to happen and i will still watch others having their dreams answered and that is a hard pill to swallow..Its like a stab in the heart but i will have to find a way of coming to terms with it... also over the years i choose to look for the things that i wanted to believe in, that others had got what i wanted so therefore they must be happy.. Well i don't know what happens behind closed doors so i need to stop looking at other peoples lives and concentrate on the good in mine..i wont find my happiness through someone elses life that i now understand..
I am now looking at myself in a completely different light and now started to think 'hey don't be so hard on yourself'. If many people were in my shoes could they have coped the same way as me The answer is probably no they wouldn't, or they may have been similiar to me. So i have decided that i have been brave to face what i did over the years when it was tearing me apart and still does to a point.  I have always been so hard on myself thinking i was selfish at not being able to go to a christening or a child's birthday party. But i did try and i tried hard not to express my pain because it was easier to put up and shut up as not to rock the boat. We all cope with situations differently but time and time again you are still in the same boat it does take its toll.. I always felt guilty about my actions and often thought they were selfish actions at the time. In just a short space of time i have realised i did my best at the time and to cope in those given circumstances and i feel a sudden relief already instead of feeling guilty that i could have been better...
Once we had given up further IVF treatment i felt relief and then these last two months i haven't been able to move forward...i was told by my DH and girlfriends its about loss and grieving...I thought how can i grieve for a loss if it didn't exist in the first place.? i was confused.  All those periods, years of trying and treatments i felt a tremendous loss but never knew how to really deal with it. Well i can start being kind to myself and grieve for the natural baby i probably will never have and i feel i have a right to that. If those closest to me do not understand i cannot take that on board. I have given so much of my time to others, hiding behind a wall. Well not anymore. Now i have realised it doesn't have to be there in black and white, i am entitled to grieve, its as if i have given myself permission.
How do i deal with the future i am not sure about it. I feel sad that i will miss out on all the things that motherhood brings and i grieve for that loss too but i have to find a way to learn to live with it...that i am not sure of as yet.......all i do know is i cannot make any rational decisions until i have looked after myself first. I think the amount of years i have given to wanting a baby, to trying for a baby has eaten into a chunk of my life. I thought the other day if i had a child it would be their own person by now and possibly preparing to go their own way. There are all aspects of loss so either way if i am childless or a mother i would have to start taking charge of my own life. 
All i know is my husband is waiting for Astrid to walk through the door the woman he married who was happy. That person has changed of course but as much as she has lost she has gained because i have more understanding of peoples pain. I felt safe last weekend because we all had the same shared pain and then i had to leave that cosy room with people that really understood. But hey its only been two days and i already feel better for having met that special group.I am now seeing things in a different light and i am thankful for that...Also i want to thankyou as i am not so 'alone anymore'.
I hope i have not preached in anyway but i just wanted to say how i felt without hiding behind a wall. Atlast i own my feelings and i dont have to hide them anymore..the feelings of guilt at my own infertility, my husbands and all those around me..Somehow i am starting to feel some control.
Lots of love Astridxxx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Astrid,

What a lovely and honest post!  

I admire you for putting into words how so many of us have felt/feel.

Just a couple of things...

Have you ever received grief and loss counselling?  I had this and found it really did help me to come to terms with my infertility and with our decision to adopt.  

Hugs

Laine x


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Astrid,

that was a wonderful and moving post -  I'm so pleased to see that even in as little as 3 days you have already achieved such clarity regarding your own situation. You are quite right, you need to think of yourself more and definately not be so hard on yourself.

I'm sure that over the coming days and weeks you will find yourself growing as a person as your insight into your own situation crystalises and you will come out of it a stronger and more positive person  - and with greater clarity which will equip you to make any decisions about your future.

But Astrid give yourself some time before even thinking about decisions ........ the workshop has been so powerful that it may take months to truly process it all and you need to let it "take it's course" ........

love

S.A.F.

xx


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## ~AMB~ (Oct 10, 2003)

What a lovely post Astrid, thank you letting us in on your feelings  Although I haven't posted before on the LCF thread I do often read it & I think your post summed up how so many of us feel.  
We are not quite in the same boat yet as most of you ladies on the LCF thread, as we have been lucky enough to have been excepted for an nhs go at txt & we are currently waiting to hear where we are on the list, but DH has already said this will be our final go  as we have got to draw the line somewhere & move on with our life, which hit me quite hard as I don’t feel quite ready to LCF yet, but deep down I know that’s possibly the path my life will take, still, I will just have to cross that bridge if & when I come to it (must get my positive head back on ) but, I will be able to take inspiration from people like you, thank you.
Wishing you all the luck in the world for the future 
love

Andrea xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Waw - Oh my God Astrid Huni, your post literally brought me to tears.  

I can TOTALLY appreciate every word you are saying.  It felt like I wrote that myself!

Regarding what you were saying that it feels like you "dont deserve" a baby.  I often find myself thinking that too.  Sometimes I get angry with God and think, "Well, we're obviously not good enough so sod you!"  It's terrible.  But then I still dont know how to deal with it.  

Also, you say you had felt guilty about not going to Christenings and birthdays.  I'm so glad you're looking after yourself now as I have come to realise, it's NOT about being selfish.  It's merely about preserving your dignity.  Who can blame us for that?  

The people who REALLY care about us totally understand.  (or at least try to .... and that's good enough for me.)

I know what you mean as well about feeling as if you've lost a huge chunk of your life to this.  I feel like that too.  Like we are constantly "waiting".  Some would call it putting our lives on hold - I dont know if this is quite true, but we are certainly "waiting" all the time.

Like you said, I am SLOWLY beginning to realise like you, we don't know that everyone with kids is HAPPY.  We build it up so much thinking that having a baby is the ONLY thing that would make us happy.  I am trying to ask myself, "would I be entirely fulfilled in life if I could have that much wanted baby" Then I think, "to be honest, I dont know".  I would still feel unfulfilled about my career and other stuff so maybe its not the be all and end all.

I used to (very recently) worry about the future as well.  But for the moment, I'm trying HARD to appreciate what I've got with my hubby (and like you, that's a very strong relationship, something not many people are lucky enough to experience).  I am trying not to worry about the future until something happens that I REALLY need to, and in the meantime, just try and be thankful for each day as it comes.

You really sound like you've "seen the light" for you anyway, so to speak and I am really pleased for you.  I
am really pleased you're finding some peace at last.

There aren't any answers I'm afraid, all we can do is find our own way through this and it looks like you're at the start of yet another special journey and I wish you all the luck in the world with finding your peace.

All my love
Gill xo


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

A very well written and honest post. It takes a very strong person to write those feelings down.

I can relate to a lot of what you have written but would never be able to put it into words as well as you have.

Big hugs

Lou xxx


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## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Dear Astrid

What a powerful posting.  Well done for such honestly and what a huge step forward in moving on.  Congratulations.

In a lot of ways I was quite lucky in having this decision made for me.  No agonising questions to have to answer.

Today I had a real break through.  I went to the doctors today and was faced with two of the most adorable babies in the waiting room.  Under normal circumstances I would have had to leave, would have gone to the toilet or anywhere to have a cry, but after an initial eye fill up, I actually managed to look at them and realise the beauty of them without thinking of my own loss.  I felt so proud of myself and a feeling of warmth within that I am returning to the old Kate that I used to be.

Also Joanna Lumley was on some programme today and she described someone as a "nearly woman" and I said to my DH that's me a nearly woman.  I was nearly going to be a nurse, I was nearly going to be a school teacher, nearly going to travel the world, nearly going to.................. and I suddenly realised that I did nothing with my life because it has been all dedicated to treatment and operations and trying to have a child.  Well I nearly did it and that is the last thing in life I am nearly going to do from now on I am going to DO IT.  Once I am out of this convalesing time thats it..................I am living my life for me.

Astrid I wish you all the very best, you have been such a support to me, now love go ahead and support yourself.

With much love

Kate xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi girls
Thankyou so much for your replies of support and understanding..I am so touched by everyones comments because we have all come from different angles of infertility but the ultimate issue is that we all wanted the same thing...
I am touched by your honesty as well and i have found that it is a strange thing to internalise and look at yourself. Its like stripping off the exterior and looking at the interior..
Kate i wanted to say what you wrote has touched my heart about 'nearly doing something'..I never thought of it from that aspect..I really hope that you will go out and do it now because you deserve it...i think you are brave...
Thanks Laine i always admired you because you always put everyone first and i am glad we had the chance to chat in the early days.....i am also going to look at going for counselling for grief and my loss..
Hey S.A.F you a pleasure to be around and a truly nice person who has battled and done it in such a selfless way...
Gill i think we mirror each others lives to a point because we are at the early stages of finishing tx and we seem to have the same thoughts..We are both struggling to look at the goodness in our lives but it is still very raw at the moment...
Andrea take one day at a time and go into the treatment with the best frame of mind (thats hard i know)
but you deserve to atleast give that to yourself...then address the other issues  if it ever comes to that....don't take that onboard yet..
Lou thanks for your kind words...i wish you all the best and i know that you have understood the depth of this pain...
Lots of love Astridxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

That's what I love about this site. You don't feel alone. Just had an email from an old school friend titled "Good news!". Knew what it was before I opened it and couldn't bear to read the first line so closed the email. Just as I thought I was doing ok as well, now I feel sad again. It's the ups and downs that kill me. You think that you're doing ok for a few weeks and then - bang - it hits you again.


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Astrid and everyone
I often read this post and have posted in the past, tho not recently. Astrid your post was just amazing - it really touched me loads, I'm so glad that you are reflecting on LCF in this way after what sounds like a brilliant workshop. I just wanted to to say how much I respect you for being so open about how you feel - it has really helped me so much as I have had so many of the feelings you and the othrs have been describing. I too have been realising recently that having kids isn't a magic solution to happiness - and whilst its like a knife in your heart when the 50th person you know announces their pregnancy - that does not necessarily mean they are happy or fulfilled or whatever. There is a Chinese saying that in life, you must find your 'own way' - my dh and I have been reflecting loads recently on this, and realising that we are truly on our 'own' path - and maybe its not so bad? None of us know how our stories will end...

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for really helpful and insightful postings.
love ruby k xxx


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Dear Astrid 

Thank you for your amazing post-I read it with tears pouring down my face.  
  
The immediate result of the workshop for me is that dh and I have decided to see a counsellor, something we've never done before ( I was sceptical about it). Like you I now want to move on and find myself again after years of waiting. Talking to you and everyone at the weekend has already made me feel lighter so I think counselling will continue that process.

I know I can enjoy life even if it isn't going to work out how I thought. Yesterday it was snowing at 7 am as I left for work and I saw a little boy (6 or 7) outside his house.  He was on his own, looking up at the sky and holding his hands out to catch the snow with an expression of absolute enchantment and happiness on his face.  It made me a bit tearful (everything does at the moment!!) but with happy tears.  He was living entirely for the moment, and I want to regain some of that joy and appreciation of beauty in my life.

Hello to everyone else-it was great to read your messages as well-so glad I'm not alone in this.

Love and hugs 

Topsy
xxxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Astrid that really took a lot of strength to write all that and I am sitting here smiling at what a wonderful strong women you are.  Thank you for sharing.  
Nikki x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

It's amazing how others can express feelings that you though only you felt. 

I like very much the saying about finding "your own way" it really has struck a cord with me and the idea of capturing the joy and appreciation of living for the moment (rather than the next cycle) is liberating.

And as for nearly doing something, you're right Kate, I've been nearly applying for other jobs for at least a couple of years.  GoJobSite here I come!

Good luck to all.

flipper


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Astrid,

Aww thanks for your kind comments about me!

So pleased you have decided to take up the counselling.  It will really help you.

If you need me, you know I am here for you  

Laine


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi everyone
I've been really thinking a lot about this thread over the past week or so. I think all the points people have raised have been/are really important ones. 
Over the last 4 years of ttc I have often felt that I have 'lost' myself through all the pain of not having a baby or even getting close to a pregnancy - esp as so many people around me have made their families with no apparant problem. BUT i got to thinking about everyone who has had babies and I realised that quite a few of these people have 'lost' themselves too - thro being mothers and the stress on their relationships and the necessity to give their all to their babies. It struck me as so ironic that here I am having lost myself thro not having a child - and here they are with possibly many of the same feelings - but for the very opposite reason. Apart from this being really sad and isolating (for both sides) - I got to thinking about things and how having a baby may not automatically 'cure' the hurt of the past 4 years, as so much water has passed under the bridge with so many people.So much damage has been done. It used to be almost like wanting to join a special club in a way - and up to a point if i had conceived within a couple of years - this may have solved some problems. But I am increasingly feeling that IF has caused me to look at other issues within my relationships - and mostly myself - and that these need to be addressed whether or not I have a baby one day - obviously I don't know how things are going to pan out for us - but if I ever do have a family, i hope there will be many healing times, but I worry that what weve been thro has caused long term damage in my relationships (tho not with dh thank goodness). 

I guess I am just echoing what you have all said and what I said myself the other day - but i thought the point of mothers having the same feelings of being lost was maybe something I could share and see if you guys have seen the same in your family/friends? Once again, I am feeling dignity in ones own path is paramount.
Anyway, hope everyone is doing okay today  
ruby k xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Astrid... just wanted to say your words were absolutely mind blowing to me, and I reckon you have helped many people sort their own thoughts out a bit by having the courage to share your feelings.
Thank you so much, I am deeply grateful to you as you have helped me heal and gain acceptance a little more today also with your words.
With love & much grattitude to you
Emcee xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Emcee
thankyou....so much!!!!!
I am so touched by your kind words!!!!
Astridxxx


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