# how/when to tell??



## jojo10 (Sep 16, 2008)

hello everyone

Id really value your thoughts / opinions.  I know this topic may have be discussed before ,but I havent been able to find it. If it has and anyone knows where it is maybe you could let me know??

I have a child conceived through donor sperm .  she is a baby now but I know the time will come when she will ask questions.  I have no problem with the way she was conceived or the life I can provide, and the concensus seems to be that Im a great mother, but I am mainly worried about the effect the knowledge could have on her.  I am willing for her to meet her (for now unknown) donor father and any siblings when she is older and have no problem telling her how she was conceived , but am aware that not everyone is broadminded, and that the fact that she was conceived to a single mother through donor sperm could result in her being excluded and bullied. There are a lot of people ot there who simply would not understand. I know I could tell her and ask her to keep it private but would hate for her to open up to the wrong person at some point when she is young and suffer any kind of exclusion as a result.

at the moment my family and friends believe that she is the result of a short relationship, but I do want her to know the truth, and early so that she has no reason to think I would lie to her.

I guess what Im saying is that Im worried that even if she has no problem with her origins (and Im hoping I can tell hr in such a way that she wont), Im worried that others will give her a hard time about it if the truth is known. (including members of my family if Im truthful)

Id be interested to know your thoughts... and also if anybody is aware of any books/ articles/ literature out there that discusses this?

Thanks...I look forward to your thoughts


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Jojo,

I'm not in your position just yet, but hope to be soon...am 6 weeks pregnant with a donor conceived child and just praying all goes smoothly from now on.

I have been very open with family and close friends from the start and everyone has been very supportive. I have not come across any negativity at all from those close to me although I have of course been a little selective about who I have told at this stage. The way I see it, this is not something I've undertaken lightly, this child is very much wanted and I have given plenty of thought to how to go about this, and how to ensure a good network of support, including male role models in the absence of a father figure (for now at least...I live in hope that Mr Right might eventually show up!)

There may be some small minded people out there who might not agree with what we've done, but I believe that is their problem, not ours. As long as the child is comfortable with how they were conceived (and I think this has a lot to do with us, the parent, being comfortable with it), then that is the most important thing.

Besides, what constitutes a family these days is changing very fast. My sister is a primary school teacher (yr 2) and she has plenty of little ones in her class with only one parent, or a mix of step parents, or even occasionally 2 female parents. So I don't think your little girl will necessarily be/feel any different....I know sometimes it can feel like the rest of the world is 'normal' and you are the odd one out, but I just don't think that's the case any more.

A couple of books I read when I was considering this process were those by Mikki Morrisette and Jane Mattes - both on Amazon. Neither focuses specifically on telling, but both have chapters on this which may be useful.

And then if you haven't already, I would take a look at DCN - Donor Conception Network (http://donor-conception-network.org) I am a member there also. Their chat thread isn't as active and lively as FF but they have a great library with lots of materials, they do regular meet ups (not been to any yet but would once I have a child) and I certainly get the feeling that they provide good support for the telling stage. Olivia from DCN posts here too and I'm sure will be along to say hello when she sees your post

Finally, we have a very active single girls board here on FF:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0

Whilst most of us are still at the ttc/early days of pregnancy, there are a couple of mums who I'm sure would be happy to share their experiences with you

Wishing you lots of luck with it, and congratulations on the birth of your daughter 
Suitcase
x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Jojo
I think SoD is right is many things she says.  Families come in so many shapes and sizes these days that you would be unlucky to meet prejudice about the way yours came into being.  However, it is true that some children of single parents do find it difficult at school when they are asked by other children about the whereabouts of their dad.  Many DC children are very confident in saying that they don't have a dad in their family but some children are very persistent in insisting that they must have a dad somewhere.  Explaining about DI doesn't necessarily help because the children concerned don't know what your child is talking about...often don't understand the word 'sperm' for instance.  It can help to have a teacher on your child's side.  One of our members took the Our Story book for children of single women into school for the teacher to read to the class.  It is likely that many children did not understand but the fact that the teacher was on the side of the DC child was enough to stop the persistent questioning.
The most important thing for you to do is to give your child a sense of pride and comfort about who she is and how she was conceived.  If a child feels this, then it is difficult for another child to bully them because they can't press any 'hurt' buttons.  Being open with everyone in a matter of fact way will help with this.  If people sense that this is a sensitive subject or you only 'tell' selectively then it may become a subject of gossip.  If everyone knows then there is nothing to gossip about.
Hope this is helpful.
Olivia


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