# Meeting with FCs - Post Placement



## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

For those that don't know, LO came home aged 3 in January this year, she turned 4 in March and had been with the same FCs from a very young age.

We will be meeting with FCs for the first time in a few weeks since placement, and we are only really doing this due to the other children in their care.

They have 3 other children all older than LO, who LO has known all her life, they are in special guardianship measures and so are unlikely to move again.

We have tried video calling twice now and it seems to have gone well with no real fallout, but this next time we will all be meeting in a local park.  We wouldn't leave LO with her FCs.

We are a little worried about what's coming round the corner though, the FCs have an annual party for all the LO's and their adoptive families who have successfully moved on from them - roughly 25 children in all some who are adults now.

LO has been to these parties in the past but we are worried whether we should be going to the next one or not - especially as it will be at FC's house.

What do you think we should do? - any suggestions welcomed.


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi Paul,

Our LO came home in March & was 11 months old, having been with the same FC since birth. We are in the lucky position that we all get on very well & hope to remain in contact for life. We have meet 4 times since placement & never had any bad fall out re LO. 

However, we were told in no uncertain terms by SS that we should never take LO back to the FC's home, or allow FC to do any "caring activities" ie change nappy/feed/dress etc. Others may disagree, but IMO I think taking LO back to the FC maybe very confusing for her & potentially case her some disruption, even if not clearly evident on the surface. As callous as it may sound, I'd be very wary of doing anything for the sake of the other children. I know that is tough as i have had FC's BC in tears saying she wants to see LO more often/longer & it's heart wrenching. But, it is your child and your family that you need to protect and put first. 

I believe I am right in thinking you haven't had a great relationship with your SW's (sorry if thats not correct), but have you talked to them about this?


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## mummy to little pea (Nov 8, 2013)

hi daddyboo, 

we got our little on a few weeks ago who will be 2 in a cpl weeks time, I would be very careful as even if our little one spots a pic of her fc's she will say dada but that is expected as they had a little girl of their own.

We have been advised to wait about 6 months so she will not really remember them.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Can just give you our experience, we have kept in touch with our sons FC's over the 4 1/2 years he has been with us and have met up with them when we can which is difficult as we are a long distance apart. We have met up mainly somewhere in the middle, but when we have been holidaying in their area we have also been back to their house, our son had been with us for 2 1/2 years by then, he enjoyed going back, but in no way treated it like his home, it was as it was we were visiting.


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## mummy to little pea (Nov 8, 2013)

meant to say remember them as mama and dada which she called them the majority of the time


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

What a lovely thing for fc to do   

I would leave the decision until nearer the time, see how she is at this meeting coming up.  

It may be a good thing for her to see all the other children fc has cared for but now have their mummies and daddies    

IF you decided it might be good for her then I would be doing lots of lifestory work with her, not just her past but also her future, ensuring she is aware that this is a visit only, a one off event and she will always be with you. 
I might hold off telling her too until a few days before   

How do you think she will cope??


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Paul my gut says if you are posting you are unsure about it and don't feel comfortable in your gut. If you aren't sure don't go because it can't be undone however you can always go next year.  That's my opinion just thought I'd add it for the variety.  The other thing I'd add is how many have been older on placement like your dd? I think personally a lot with my eldest that things are based on a baby that was placed not a child that will have memories forever. Saying no this year isn't no forever.  

However if meet up goes well and you feel it'll benefit dd go for it but don't do it out of duty.  Good luck it's a tough one x


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi Paul


Our lo came home nearly a year ago and has been back to his FC home once. There was no fall out from this. He always looked to us for reassurance  and  to make sure we were ok if he went and played with them. He wanted to look around the house but I don't think he remembered it as home. We will visit again but will never leave him with them as in a care role. 
If you feel your lo will enjoy herself and you will be with her i can't see any harm. If you see she is getting upset you can always make a move but at least your lo has that option. It will be down to her.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Paul this may or may not be of interest to you but I met with our agencies child psychologist today it was a meeting arranged pre placement to support us with my eldest behaviour and emotional issues.  We discussed a number of things which I won't go into however as one of a list of many questions I asked the best frequency to have contact with fc for my daughters ( who is similar in age to yours ) wellbeing.  His response was not to.  He said as we'd skyped once it's our decision but his advise would be do it once more for closure then stop it
He said they hold a place in Life story work and our conversation. But actual contact would be nothing but confusing and distressing for our eldest. He said there would be a nil affect on our youngest as she is unlikely to remember them already but is very likely to make settling in our family harder for my eldest.  He said post placement contact meets a need in the fc not the child.  I'm just sharing because it really surprised me I asked the question because we were under the impression maintaining contact was  important for older children as SW's and others have advised.  However he is very highly qualified and all his case load are looked after or previously looked after children and his view is based on his experiences.  We were planning on meeting fc in the next couple of months and are now unsure what to do as his explanation made sense and he is actually a psychologist. Anyway just thought I'd share as it's very different advice than I've had previously.  Enjoy the weekend sun x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Diva

That's very interesting, thanks for sharing


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks for all your replies.

We will be meeting with FCs at a park first, we aren't doing for FC's other children but for our LO - she misses them as much as they miss her.

We will wait to see the outcome of that meeting before going into anything more, she is a very resilient child, and if only we had a decent SW to speak to!

Thanks again.

Paul x


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## scoobydooby (Nov 5, 2013)

This is something that has been playing on my mind for the past 10 months since our eldest came home, her younger sibling came home just over 2 months ago from different FC's. We've always kept an open mind about possibly meeting up with FC's in the future as we got on with each family exceptionally well, though the SW recommended totally against it, however eldest lo had lived with hers for the first 19 months of her life and therefore they played a very important part in her life. 
However they are both so settled with us, both too young (we think) to remember anything about them now (they've certainly never been mentioned), and eldest lo has been through the strange and unsettling experience of intros with her little sister only a couple of months ago that she had never met before, that I cant think of any benefit there would be for her by doing it. Besides which they have 2 older siblings who were adopted a couple of years ago that they both dont know about and have yet to meet (arranged direct contact)
I think we all like to think that its the right and good thing to do, but for who exactly? Having had so long to think about it I cant help but think it would only lead to a possible negative outcome, at the least nothing but confusion for them both and certainly nothing positive except for maybe the FC's and there family feeling reassured that everything is ok.
We are a very very strong family unit and we don't want anything to jeopardise that, thus as it stands, we won't ever be meeting up with either FC's in the foreseeable.


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