# Brain dump after BFN



## Banjo55 (Nov 9, 2014)

I haven't been on the forum for some time but needed somewhere to release my thoughts, so thanks for being there.

We took a chance and a few weeks before my 47th birthday we decided to go for IVF. We did modified with ICSI which resulted on 9 eggs retrieved, 3 were immature and of the remaining 6, 3 made it to embryo stage. Two were transferred but got a BFN. The third is frozen.

I knew the chances were low so although I'm sad and disappointed I wasn't surprised. It's been a week since the BFN and I've been more numb than anything else. It hit my husband really hard but I guess that's because emotionally I've been the one in a mess for the last 5 years and have started to recover while he has kept his feelings inside.

I thought I was ok but I knew sooner or later my emotions would run riot again. The Duchess of Cambridge surprise pregnancy announcement made me feel jealous. On the train yesterday I felt my heart give a little with longing after seeing a little boy with his family on their way to school. You seldom see children on my commuter train at that time so he stood out. Later on my osteopath announced that she was pregnant with her second and will be off soon on maternity leave. Because of the baggy tops she wears I hadn't even noticed the baby bump. I started seeing her when all the stress I was under led to a really bad back spasm four years ago. She knew of my infertility issues. I had just got to the point where I could be ambivalent about her being a mother.  Then there was a work email today with a birth announcement. All these women on their second or third child in the time it has taken me to try to have one. 

We've got a follow up consultation next week. I'm not hopeful that the FET will be successful. We'll see what the Dr says but at this point I'm not inclined to try another full cycle. Will just have to accept whatever happens good or bad and deal with it.


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## summerfruits (Feb 29, 2012)

Hi, so sorry to hear about your BFN and all the encounters you've had since.  Of course, people are just going about their daily lives not knowing how it is impacting you, that is one of hardest things with infertility... youre going through so much and mustering so much strength but it is not something you can just share with anyone and at same you want to feel happy for people and their good news but you don't entirely and then you feel guilty for feeling that way.... its exhausting!

I came on here to get things off my chest too having got a BFN today. This was another go at ICSI after my success with my son in 2014. I feel emotionally drained with no one to talk to who really gets it. I'd like to say my hubby was supportive but he didn't even know it was my test day today, so you get the idea! 

One thing for sure is there is no certainty with treatment.  One past success doesn't guarantee success next time and one failure doesn't mean you can't be successful next time also.  Keep up the hope and fingers crossed for your FET.

Take out some time for yourself, be selfish and take as long as you need to prep for your FET, and don't feel guilty for how you feel! X


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

Sending love to you. I nodded along to your paragraph on the DofC, children on the train and your osteopath. I've felt very similar emotions. Friends having their 2 or 3 child in the time we've been trying is so hard to cope with. Have you got counselling at your clinic? We had free counselling there and i've also paid for some too. It really helped but appreciate there is cost implications. 

Take care


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

I am sorry to know about your BFN. However, I still believe in the huge power of positive thinking. Be a warrior, as anything worth having doesn’t come easy. xx


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## danielle1370 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hello

Just wanted to say I resonated with so much you said. The princess' new pregnancy announcement hit me hard too, then I feel cross with myself for allowing myself to feel this way when I should be happy for others.

All my 'maternity leave ' friends have gone on to have second babies, my little girl asks constantly when she will have a brother or sister as this is what she is surrounded by. It's tough. 

We tatted ttc again in November and had hoped hat past issues wouldn't rear their very ugly head but here we are again. It's crap, it's boring and it's a living nightmare. I know it will hopefully be a means to an end and another baby will come but the journey is so hard. I've just referred myself to counselling in the hope it will help just to get it out there. People don't seem sympathetic this time round telling me 'at least you have the one' so unhelpful.


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