# scared of going it alone



## Jennyba (Jul 5, 2016)

Hi all,
Just joined. I have a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and been going through this for 8 years. I'm 40 now and about to undergo ivf using donor sperm as just not found Mr. Right and been let down badly in previous relationships. My ex has offered to be a donor but not sure what to do about that? feel very alone at the moment


----------



## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi
I didn't want to read and run xx

I was in ur boat last year and now feel like I understand the ins and outs of iui and IVF alot better - have u got friends and family to support u?

This forum is a tremendous help and support and you will find lots of advice and help and new friends too xxx

Have you decided where you will go for treatment - UK or abroad? If you have try one of those boards on here for area or clinic and also the donor sperm and single woman threads too xxx

Welcome xx


----------



## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi
I'm a solo mummy to a toddler and in my early forties.

My advice fwiw is to not use your ex as a donor because it complicates the situation drastically and he's an ex for a reason. He'd be able to gain same rights as a partner if you go to clinic as a "couple". Eg contact rights etc. 
Secondly it delays treatment if trying as a donor not a partner as his soerm has to be quarantined for six months. 
Thirdly with an anonymous donor you are totally in control of your new future. 

It is scary but so worth it I assure you!


----------



## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Aw, it is a very scary prospect, but as many of us will confirm it is completely worth it! My first IVF cycle (after 9 failed attempts) I was terrified. I thought of backing out of it because I wasn't sure it was the right decision. One year (and another cycle) on, although I don't have my baby yet I know that going through two IVF cycles and a miscarriage have just confirmed what I want. 

I have to agree that I wouldn't use an ex. Donor sperm in the UK has been donated by someone who has been well vetted. There's no expectations for them to be a father, no complicating issues, no delay in using the sperm for treatment. With an ex, the lines and boundaries are likely to be blurred, and could end up hurting the child if your ex is in and out and in and out of their life. Obviously it works for some people but they are the exception to the rule. 

Good luck on your journey! It really is wonderful  xx


----------



## manhattangirl (Mar 16, 2014)

I want to second the advice to decline the offer from your ex-boyfriend.

Good luck!


----------



## muffin2 (Jun 13, 2014)

Hi Jenny.
I had twins with my ex as donor. It is an ex i am still in love with and i am happy my kids will know their biological father. I dont expext him to make my life complicated and many women have to deal with exes, this is not the end of the world if you have disagreements one day. I would go for a sperm bank donor if indid not have a different option. I dont know why many ladies here are so against a known donor. Ex may mean many things. It is so nice to be able to send the pictures of my twins to theor daddy. He gives me a lot of moral support and good advice.

When i was in the decision process my sis and friends gabe me the same advice as you read here. Your ex should be out of this. It did not matter. I was not going to listen anyway. But the only person who was relieved that i was not doing sperm bank was my shrink. She told me it is very good for a child to know their father. I feel i would have been lonlier too if i did not use my ex' offer....

And yes. It is touch to be single mum. For me It is not the difficuöties but the loneliness: i have those miracle happy children and no one to share our life with


----------



## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Yes there are benefits to having a good father involved, but you are also then in the world if he can apply for residency, has rights to access etc. Why would you complicate if you want to go alone? I can honestly say that though yes life's tough it's worse fir those with exes on the horizon in my experience.


----------



## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi Jenny,

I think you have to do what is right for you. If you get on with your ex, have similar parenting styles, have nailed down what his input is going to be etc then maybe it can work. I think as well, as long as you are not still in love with him, then that is good thing, otherwise it complicates things.
I think perhaps we have all thought about getting pregnant by an ex at some point on this journey, I know I did, but in the end I decided that for me, using a donor was the right thing. This was mainly due to my own childhood and having a father who actively chose not to be a part of mine and my brothers life - my parents were married and he had an affair and left my mum to go and start another family with another woman. It felt pretty rubbish to have a father that was very disinterested and I don't have anything to do with him at all now. There are pro's and cons to every situation and nothing is perfect so i think finding a situation you are comfortable with is the most important thing. I also had a fertility MOT aged 36 which came back that I had very low egg reserve so I needed to get a move on!

Jane x


----------



## Jennyba (Jul 5, 2016)

Thanks all for your messages. I've gone ahead with the donor option as my consultant said my treatment would be delayed 6 months if I used my ex and he would not allow him to be a donor as he has mental health issues. It is difficult because we both have feelings for each other. However, he is not a stable person and has been in and out of relationships since we separated. He met someone he was with two months and they tried straight away for a baby - now she is 4 months pregnant (age 25 so 15 years younger than me). That news was like a knife in my heart.

To top it all off I discovered 6 months ago my current (now ex as of a few days ago), has bipolar disorder and has had a manic depressive state for the past 6 months = no relationship, its been awful. Anyway when I told him I was going ahead with treatment (I was honest with him from the start) he said he wants nothing to do with it as he doesn't want children and doesn't want anyone elses (he did up until 6 months ago he would support me and wanted children but then changed his mind saying he didn't want to pass on what he has as its in the family). What a nightmare. I've exhausted myself supporting him and helping him get diagnosed and treated the past 6 months. Anyway, I don't have any energy for men in general and am trying to get into a positive frame of mind. I start first round of ivf next month!


----------



## muffin2 (Jun 13, 2014)

Hi Jenny,
your exes don't seem like a good choice I agree. Best of luck in your decision and cycle.

I was just surprised that without knowing any details people give a blanket advice not to have children with an ex. In my view one has the same 50% chance of a good parent relationship when you do it with and ex as when you do it with your husband. 50% marriages fall apart and bringing up children with an ex is what million women in the world are doing. Children with an ex is much more common set up vs donor sperm. 

I am in no way against using donor sperm for singles and couples. I went this way myself before I met my ex but had a miscarriage. And I ended up using donor eggs so I am fully on board. However, donor children is a relatively new topic and we don't know all effects it takes on them...

BTW, clinics abroad don't have 6 month quarantine period. Definitely not Spain in Greece. We went in and my guy's sperm was used as soon as his HIV etc tests were available. Just for correctness of information.


----------



## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

I think what people were trying to say was, there is a reason why that person is an ex. People do bring up children with their exes and put aside all their problems and do it well, but they also don't because it all turns sour and it's the children that suffer. Most people were together when they had their children or fell pregnant naturally etc. Obviously your set-up works well for you, and clearly you don't have issues with donor conception because you have used donor eggs. I think Jenny was asking for a range of opinions which is the fantastic thing about this site.


----------



## Planetloon (Jun 19, 2013)

Jenny, where are you based? If London, have a look at the 'Lindon Meeting' thread and come and join us for a picnic next month. X


----------



## tigerstripes (Jul 23, 2016)

Hi,

I have read your post and feel for you.

I understand your dilema and hurt from previous and ongoing relationships. 

I have acheived a lot in my life but for some reason, the simplest of things, just having a relationship, has been the hardest and most elusive.

They say, If you can dream something you can acheive it. I used to dream of meeting a man all my life but then a bodged surgery took all of those dreams, and sensations below the waist away. I cant even fantasise now, as its numb. 

This has made the difficult feel impossible, and led me to a journey to start a family on my own. 
I have, despite 'casual offers' from ex's.. (which sadly but not surprisingly turned out to be shows of masculinity (attempts to use me for sex) rather than genuinely well meaning offers).. taken the donor route and am now pregnant in my first trimester!. 

I am so alone, so scared but also so excited. 

I would love to hear how you get on and although this seems like a less trodden path, no one knows the future and to be happy and in control whichever option you take, should lead to more happiness and positivity. 

I will look out for more on this post. 

Ashley


----------

