# can't cope anymore



## libra (Jun 23, 2006)

Hi,all
Hoping that you can give me something positive to help me through-I'm really struggling.
Won't bore you with the whole story apart from the obvious also got bullying in work,court proceedings from my neighbour,lack of support & understanding from DP & friends,poor care from fertility clinics.
Got 4 pregnancies naturally 100% success each try.Numerous fertility treatments & only one short lived BFP-there's aparently nothing wrong with me apart from my tubes.Trying & failing to come to terms with my failures & my future.

Latest my brothers dp had BFP from IVF-he couldn't wait to email me first thing & is now asking my advice on things(being an old hand at this)I just don't want to know-self preservation I suppose.My dp thinks I should be over the moon,not devastated,that is his total & only input on this.He just ignored me when I spent the day in bed sobbing.I really don't want to offend anyone,so sorry if I do.I am pleased for them but I am so angry at a number of things-I have had appaling care from the system,eg-told NHS waiting list 18mths-waited 3yrs 9mths,overstimulated to 30-50+ follicles x 3.She went straight from IUI(very short wait) to IVF(no wait at all).

Struggling with friends attitudes-they can't see why I bothered at my age,no contact at all from one who knew about last m/c,not telling me a baby is on the way(after heart to heart previously with Mum to be),got informed day before going out baby was due in 1 week,then I was told "everything will be fine if you're OK with her".What about me!!!I am told what arrangments I have to fit into that suit her,including very expensive venues.They are all better off financially than me & now I'm on half pay with long term sick.They both earn more than me & have DH in good jobs.
My only good understanding friend has her own major problems so I resist turning to her.

Being left to prepare my defence for this court case on my own-DP a waste of space in everything,no support practically,emotionally of financially.We pay 50/50 depsite our wages being vastly different.I may even lose my job due to the bullying.

So sorry this is a me post.I'm just falling apart & can't fight any longer,I can't see any way out of this mess.

libra.xx


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## Milly40 (May 8, 2007)

Dear Libra,
            I am so sorry to hear about your story, I can only offer my cyber hugs and understanding...I find coming on this site is very therapeutic when you are feeling down...keep talking to us and off loading thats what we are here for....     
Your DP is probably doing what all men do and thats dig their heads in the sand..  have you thought about counselling ...at least you can talk to someone who is neutral to the whole thing...is your union involved in this work issue...might be worth contacting someone about it....  bullying is not acceptable......
I do understand about the friends issue, my friend is PG with DE and now doesnt even contact me event though she knows Im a midwife she has never come to me for any advise.....I supported her all through her previous IVF's.....and now she's PG she doesnt want to know .....  people can  be cruel so please hold your head up high and you will get through this in time...... 
Also is their any support groups for Infertility in your area...you can contact your  local clinic...at least you could meet other women going through the same emotions etc.....some have monthly meetings and even if your DP doesnt go to them you can still go and make new friends and contacts...... 

Hope everything works out for you Libra......keep us informed and PM me any time you need to talk...good luck.......
  Love and hugs Milly xx


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## libra (Jun 23, 2006)

Hi,Milly,
thanks for your support.
I really admire you sticking with your career.I had to leave day surgery as I kept on getting allocated the STOPS,despite the manager agreeing it wouldn't happen.
Good luck with your cycle-have you got any dates yet?

Why are insensitive friends so difficult to understand?
re the union-they've been invovled for years.This summer I plucked up the courage to go one step further & take it to HR-but just ended up a blubbering wreck saying "I just want to go home!".I have complaine to senior manager with no effect.I think that's what's so frustrating.Being involved with other bullying investigations before I'm not confident about my future career.
I'm having counselling,but I think she is struggling with me as well.DP is just down right nasty to me a lot of the time.
thansk again,wishing you loads of luck  
love libra.xx


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## Milly40 (May 8, 2007)

Hi Libra,
        Im still waiting for a Donor...its a matter of weeks now... 
Please dont give up on everything....I wish you lots of luck for your future.....have you told your DP how you feel.....my DP has not been supportive to me also,  and yesterday I told him I'd had enough...and now he seems much better....   have you been to your GP for support...you might be depressed...which would be no wonder after what you have been through......
Wishing you all the best for a happy ending..... 

Love and hugs Milly xx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Libra

I had a few issues with my DH behaviour in the past but it turned out that he was holding in all his grief because as he said 'we can't both be depressed'. Your DP's attitude of trying to see the positive could be because he thinks he is helping you. I had to sit my DH down in the end and tell him enough was enough as he supressed his emotions so much that he was angry all the time. Now he is back to the man I met and feel in love with but this road we travel does affect them as well, if not more. The whole male pride of 'I've done it, I'm a man' when their partners fall pregnant is still out there believe me. So they do feel a sense of failure along with us. Tell him how you feel and try and find out how he really feels, if you get nowhere then at least you tried.

Good luck with the court case.
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Libra

I'm so sorry that you have so many things going on in your life now, now wonder you feel overwhelmed with it all - its a series of hurt after hurt after hurt on so many levels from what you have told us.

Bullying at work is awful - I work in a culture where bullying seems to be the way people get on in my company and I don't agree with it, nor do I take part in it although it doesn't stop it happening around me or being directed at me from time to time  

Your friends attitudes are their own feelings hon, they are not living your life or feeling what you feel or what you have been through and I am sorry you feel they are not supportive of you... maybe they struggle to understand like so many others do why you have put yourself through treatment time and time again and suffered heartbreak after heartbreak - I have had the same vibes off some of my friends too... even after my ectopics as well - I distinctly remember one friend after the most recent one texting me saying she was always there for me to talk to, so I text her straight back and asked if I could speak to her to which she replied 'sorry I'm on my way to work' - can laugh at that now because it just goes to show what people can be like, doesn't it?!

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart in a non accusatory way with your DH as well hon, as men often bottle up their feelings, no doubt he is reeling from the news about his sperm analysis and is probably thinking like a lot of men do that if you just tried to get on with your life you wouldn't be so upset about things... no offence intended to any man here meant in that last sentence! I know from past experience when I was devastated that my DH didn't want to crumble because he felt one of us had to be the 'strong' one - it was only afterwards that I began to get back to being myself a bit more things really hit him hard. Often men can appear brusque and uncaring when the reality is they are thinking the way to go about things is to continue being the 'hunter gatherer' and getting on with the day to day stuff - that is their way of 'coping' when deep inside they are hurting enourmously too. Men aren't brought up to be like us ladies and verbalise their emotions - so it can be difficult and frightening for them to confront and/or talk about how they are feeling inside.

Deep breaths honey, one step at a time with everything that is going on... remember there are people out there who are willing to listen to you and who understand the enourmity of your grieving. Holding you very closely and sending you my love whilst you work through all of this.  

Emcee xxx


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## libra (Jun 23, 2006)

Thanks all for your words of support.
I'm beyond trying now with DP,just haven't got the energy anymore.He also knows why his sample was poor(self inflicted).
It's not that he's looking for the +ve in things-he was just downright nasty that I was upset about this new pregnancy.If I say something he doesn't like,he used to threaten to withdraw from treatment,now he threatens to leave me on my own with court case(seems to foget he hasn't done much for that anyway).He's totally lazy.I'm off my food lately,he doesn't offer me anything-just makes himself some thing quick.(if I serve up that sort of food he has a tantrum).
He's never provided any support though any of the pregnancy losses or treatments.Never put any effort into the treatments.May make one meal & quickly run hoover round once if I'm really lucky. 
The nearest description I can think of is the characters 'Kevin' crossed with 'Victor Meldrew'.17 years together,he's never had a 'conversation' with me-don't think I'll get one now.
Original solicitors & seller messed up with house purchase-only own 1/3 of garden,current solicitors(under household insurance)have delayed & messed up with neighbour-that's why he's taking me to court.Left to sort it all myself.

What's upsetting as well is my brother is emailing for advice on sourcing/prices of drugs etc-I just want him to leave me alone for a bit,or at least think about how I may be feeling.
Waiting for the letter re meeting about bullying-dreading it.Again no support from DP-always been militant,doesn't listen & just telling me to take formal action,now I am he doesn't support me with that either-I can't win.
Cancelled night out with so called friends-in the mood I'm in may voice my feelings,plus I can't afford the very expensive meal they always insist on having.Only one friend(work colleague) has offered her ear(genuine),but she's in rehab,just gone back to work part time(being treated like dirt) & I don't want to burden her.

Strange,but I can't even face seeing my counsellor tomorrow.
Sorry to be such a misery guts & thanks for listening.

love Libra.xx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Libra  sending loads of        

So sorry you are going through all of this.  It sound a right knightmare

DP i take it yo have been together for many years.  Has your relationship always been like this?  Have you told him that you feel swamped and asked for his help to support you( not that you should need to as it should come automatically!!).

With regards to your brother he probably does not really understand what you are going through, he is probably excited for starting tx. Could you send a nice email explaining ow you feel an that you will give advise when you feel more able.

With regards to your friends it does not sound like they are very supportive remember that you have us we will try to help when ever we can.

Your work friend i know that my friends did not talk to me when i had my problems about there problems and that hurt me as i felt i was not being a friend to them.  I wanted my life to be as normal as possible.  Talk to your friend to see what she wants you will be able to gage it.

Just wish there was more i could do to help

Thinking of you 

Susan x


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## libra (Jun 23, 2006)

Thanks Susan for your support.
Just helps knowing people on FF understand & are there to offer support & listening.
I appreciate what you say about the friend with rehab-I'll try to arrange coffee & see how it goes-at least I know she is not judgemental.

I've tried asking DP for help,even on a practical level-he just takes everything as a personal insult,has a shout or a sulk-I can't win.been together 17 years-I suppose in the past I've just been more resiliant & more tolerant.
I was hoping my brother would be more understanding/sensitive.We've chatted a bit more over this year as his dp has been having treatment.He knows about all my losses.I'm afraid to say anything in case I offend,I'm afraid not to in case my attitude may offend(self preservation).

I feel really guilty off loading on this site,& sorry again for a me post,but it really does help.
thanks again,
love libra.xxx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Dont feel guilty  this is what we are here for hun    

Susan xxxxxx


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Hi Libra, 

I feel for you... I am slightly younger than you and have been with my dh for nearly 14 yrs... And we started ttc at 36 and we are a lot now into the blame game as to why we didn't start earlier and so on... It's tough and one of the toughest things I have ever experienced... I don't get much support from my dh and hence appreciate the difficulties... And I haven't been through as many treatments as you either, but feel pretty knackered and exhausted... 

My dh also withdraws often and we can't have a proper conversation about our current issues... 

I hope you feel better soon... Just wanted to send you a big cyber hug....


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## Guest (Nov 24, 2007)

Hi Libra

Just wanted to send you a big hug   and so sorry you've been through so much lately.

Can you change your job at all? I was in a really bad job situation (esp. with manager) and was afraid to get out, now I'm so happy I did - there are other jobs out there and it should be such a stress for you.

Your brother probably thinks you don't mind talking about ivf because you've been through it, I think you are too exhausted now to give support to anyone, even relative, maybe you call tell him gently?

It seems both your and partner need some space to relax. Even maybe a nice day out together? Just to re-charge your batteries and not think about all these problems? Sometimes this helps to face things again the next day. But maybe this is not the right things for you ... Hope you find the best way for you.

Take care,

Rivka x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Libra no more wisdom to share but wanted to give you a big hug  
Cat x


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