# someones comment has made me sad!



## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

Hiya all

I feel I can't say this to many people and my dh or family have no idea

Recently I met someone for the first time and of course one of the questions is how many children do u have. I replied one and very likely to be only one and before I could say ivf he butted in and told me he was an only child and so wished all his life for a brother or a sister! This has been playing on my mind and tonight I have broke down in sobs knowing that I will never had another baby.

Our daughter is our world and I cherish every second and would never ever ever want to take anything away from her 

I suppose its the time of year also as I did manage to talk dh into around round of ivf and he stated not til after christmas and here we are yet I still don't know if I wana put myself through it mostly due to the money as we simply don't have it and it would affect us so much going into debt for a maybe baby.

I'm scared that tyler our daughter will in someway blame us for not giving her a playmat and even people who have been through ivf have made me feel guilty for saying no more! My sil has a 10month old and plans another in the next 6months and I just know it will hurt like hell seeing her tummy growing knowing she had the simply choice of making a baby the old fashioned way.

So what the hell do u do? I don't evem know what I really want to do, all I know is I feel sad that I will never have that special feeling of pregnancy again


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Dear Kara,

I hope you don't mind me posting a response. There are two issues I think here?

Like that person you met, I was an only child. I experienced some problems with my family but not because I was a singleton. I was a surprise to my own parents but I was very much loved. There are lots of advantages to being an only child. The challenges are probably getting on with people so giving your child experience of rough and tumble with other children is a good thing; I didnt really get any of that so feel that it hindered me a little but it is fairly easy to do these days with nurseries and playgroups. I am sure there are plenty of children with siblings who wish they had more privacy, or space, or didnt get their toys broken by their sisters etc.
Few people can control their lives to the extent that they can produce their dream family and I feel very much that we do not owe our children everything to the extent that we put ourselves into financial difficulty or extreme stress. We owe them our very best attempt at parenting. If your child chooses to feel deprived in later life then that will be her choice but most definitely not your fault or something you should feel guilty about.

You have been through a great deal which is evident from your history. I think you can give yourself a break that you have done a great deal to have your family but sometimes we need to be a little selfish for self preservation reasons and not punish yourself?

The issue about wanting to experience another pregnancy is something else entirely and many of us would be with you on that one. I personally loved every minute of being pregnant. But we feel special in pregnancy because nature makes us that way so that its a bearable process. And when the child is born the pregnancy doesnt go away, it just continues, matures, and mellows in a parent-child relationship that is unique to you.

I cant comment on your circumstances or whether you should try again- only you can do that. I do know however from my friends that even having more children doesn't always reduce the wish to be pregnant again and I have 'normal' NCT friends who have boys and crave daughters. One has expressed a bit of jealousy towards my own family for that reason. She has apologised but feels her life is very deficient without a girl but cant afford to try for a third child (non IVF). I have another friend with 3 IVF children who cant also accept that she cant really have any more for economic reasons.

The beat goes on, as they say.  I dont know if this has been helpful at all but please dont think you are alone with your feelings as thats not the case. Everything is also doubly difficult at Christmas as we know.

take care,

roze


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Kara. I don't have any children but I just want to say that I think it's really wrong that society puts pressure on a lady to have more than one child.  One child is totally ok and nothing negative. I think there r lots of other influences in life that determin if a child has a happy upbringing or not.  Eg I  one of. 4  but there was never much money to go around!  

You do not owe your child another child, you owe her happiness and stability, and if u r happy with the choices you make. So will she.  Only try for anther child if this is what you want. X x x


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Kara,

I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel, but remember there are also lots of one child families and the children were/are very happy.  You don't know enough about this man and why he was unhappy. Were his parents cold and not very loving?  Did he not have many friends or other close family/cousins?

I have a best friend who was a only child and she had a very happy childhood.  I think a lot of it, is that we feel guilty about our children not having a sibling and to be honest they really couldn't care less.

My attitude is, if we can't have any more children then I will make sure that when my son grows up, he will do activities where we meet other children, we will have sleep overs and I will also make sure that he sees his cousins.

I also would like to add that some families that don't have fertility problems are choosing to have only one child.  There are a couple of women at my sons play group who have one child and they don't want anymore due to financial reasons or their life style choice.  

Don't be to hard on yourself and as long as your DD is loved then she will grow up happy.

Stacey
x


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Hi Kara   

totally relate to your situation....I am lucky enough to be having a final FET this month but it will be our final attempt. I have one sister so would love DS to have a sibling to grow up with, to fight with, to play with etc. However, DH is one of 14 children (!!!!!) and is not close with even one of them! My close friend is one of two, who is also not close with her sibling at all, even when they were growing up, with just two years between them. I guess these experiences have shown me that even though we desire for our children to have siblings it would not guarantee the things we hope having a sibling would bring. Like others have posted, we can control what interaction our kids have with others....my DH is not very sociable so I have had to join websites like netmums and meet other mums and kids for DS to play with and there are plenty of mums with just one child for all sorts of reasons. 

If you can afford another go then great, but after 2 previous unsuccessful goes I know i can't rely on my next cycle to bring what I truly desire so I am doing all that is within my power to give DS the social interactions I want for him. Bless you and your family xxxxx


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

Thank you so much for your post. I actually feel a lot better today but a little drained as i don't cry at all since tyler was born before life is good so last nights melt down was hard going

Tyler is very social and a lot of my friends comment that she is friendly, out going and not 'like' an only child, another only child comment!!

I think writing it all down and sharing it here has really helped put things into prepesctive again. I will always want to be pregnant again, nothing is ever gona change that cause I feel wonderful and never so healthy! 
I have gynea issues atm which is likely hormonal and endo so pregnancy was such a brilliant time for me. 

Its so good to chat with others that understand


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## grotbags (Mar 15, 2009)

Hi Kara

I've quite often read your posts on the moving on pages and can sympathise with you all the way.

I do feel sad that H will be an only child and I long for another.  Its funny but before we decided on TX I thought my life was complete without a baby now I feel like 1 was just the start.  I don't know whether its with losing H's twin that I feel so strongly about another baby or maybe I'd always deluded myself about how fab having a child would be.

I wonder though for all of us its because our personal choice has been taken away    For me I would have had my first baby at 30 then my second at 33 but instead spent those years trying.  If we'd been able to fall pregnant naturally maybe one would have been enough - who knows?!  I have work colleagues who have 1 child by choice.

Reading your history though I think you've done so much to have a child I don't think I could have been so brave.  I also think you're doing all you can with groups etc.  We're doing the same with H and he is so friendly too.

I see my brother but am not that close and think it must have been over a year ago since either me or DH seen his sister - she lives 10 mins away!  Presents etc get left at his parents.  Remember how everyone talks of the modern definition of family and how friends are often closer and more important.  

Its hard but I'm trying to accept that we won't have another child - both me and DH are getting 'older', we've had 2 years post H of unprotected sex - our IF was unexplained so was hoping for a miracle that you hear about.  In fact I decided over the xmas holidays to pack all our baby things away and am going to see if a girl at work who is pg would like any of them.  This is a massive step for me and one that has been filled with tears but I've got to face reality for my own sanity!

You're right though writing it down does help   

Hope you're feeling so much better today.

Take care

Grotty
xxx


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## vickym1984 (Jan 29, 2009)

Can totally understand how you feel. Hannah has just turned 1 a week ago, and I am deparate to plan more treatment, but hubby isnt as keen, it will be a struggle, I have ME, and we only live in a flat, but i feel so guilty for her being an only child, and when other ladies who had little ones at the same time (non ivf) are getting their BFPs for their 2nd+ babes, it just makes me yearn for more

To be honest, its not guaranteed we can go for treatment, it depends on whether we would be accepted for egg sharing or not, as we can not afford treatment without that reduction, but I just want to know where we stand


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Just a very quick reply -sorry
But I just wanted to say I am an only child and I honestly never really truly wanted a sibling. I never resented my parents for being an only and I loved (still do) being a tight little triangle of three. I had cousins which was great and my parents were quite proactive in helping me make and manage friendships. 
Being an only was a joy for me. My dh is an only too and never had a problem with it. My ds will be an only child too and I hope a happy one.
I do sympathise with the huge desire for more children but having only one need not be something awful.
Hugs
Crusoe


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Thanks so much for that lovely post crusoe  .  
My little one and me don't even make a triangle! but what we have is just perfect   She is currently expressing an interest in having a sibling (not medically or financially possible  ) and peoples throw away comments 'only means lonely'    can be incredibly insensitive. 
Mind you she's just as keen on having a Space Hopper   
Love to you and your triangle   
Upsyxxx


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I wonder if these insensitive people are only children as I suspect that they arent. You won't get many only children complaining. It might be a little boring on Bank Holidays if your friends are away but thats really about it. And the social skills thing can be learnt as easily at nursery or through careful parenting. Its often easy for parents to have more than one child as they dont have to occupy an only child.  My girls get a lot from each other but it can be detrimental too as they need their privacy and often dont get it being part of a crowd. As an only child myself I am worrying about that aspect of it all and try to find ways to give them their own space and enough of our time. 

To be honest, parents need their sanity and well being and its sad if people feel under so much pressure to have more children when its not desirable or healthy for them either personally or financially. We felt this very much ourselves in fact.  As you can see we then went on to have twins but essentially there was a great deal of angst about coping and money etc so it actually felt dreadful at times. Not dreadful to have the children but having to cope with so much. It was a lot of upheaval and I am really not sure if our first child, now rising 5, has ever got over it. We are struggling financially due to childcare costs and the logistics of it all. As I said, its not about the children, but suddenly having to adjust to managing and bringing up  three young children wasnt and isnt easy.  If things had gone wrong in the pregnancy as they unfortunately can do for many, then it would have been awful having to adjust to loss whilst maintaining a brave face for our daughter.

I hope this doesnt sound sanctimonious. I just think sometimes us FF ladie give ourselves a really hard time when we have been through enough already.

roze.x


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

Hi Kara76!

You sound like a very caring mother and your family sounds just lovely   

I'm really sorry that man had to say this to you, what is with people?!  I have a brother but he's nearly 12 years younger than me, and so with my almost-an-only-child hat on I would like to say that I loved the full-on attention of my entire family and really enjoyed my childhood.

Maybe this man has a false idea of what having a bro/sis is like and hand on heart it is true that I would have idealised (hope that is spelled right!) big families in the past and particularly as my DS is probably going to be an only child I tend to get quite sad about this at times, not providing him with siblings etc., but as DH (who is from a big family) always tells me, honestly fond and all as he is of his siblings, if it wasn't for his parents they would never be in contact and I extremely rarely meet up with or talk with my lovely brother as he is busy with his own life (and I am with mine).

I have to remind myself that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that I am a mum and we're the only family DS has!  

That said, don't be surprised if you get requests for siblings (I hounded my mum for years!), I'm dreading those questions too!  The only consolation is that we'll probably get loads of other daft requests too and won't even notice, it's just the whole mammy-guilt things!  I also HATE when people (particularly those with multiple babas) ask when/if I'm having more babas.  

DH has decided his response is going to be 'nah, sure why would we when we got it right first time!' LOL!

You're doing a great job!  Ta for putting up this thread and all of the answers, I've really enjoyed them!

xox


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

I am touched with all your posts. Thank you

Atm to be totally honest I don't think having another baby would be any bonus aprt from experiencing pregnancy again! Tyler is such a mummies girl and is so so wonderful and happy well apart from the strops lol

I get jealous when I hear others are pregnant and I don't think that will ever change but in reality I am infertility and without a massive amount of money and drugs I'm not even in with a chance and I can't do it to my family as it screws with my head. 

I have also recently met adults that were single children and had a much more postive view.

Isn't it funny how often 1 small comment can cause upset

off for a scan later as I've having pain and bleeding for many months


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

I'm an only child myself.  If I am honest, yes I would have a brother or sister for alot of reasons.  BUT... I cant say it did me any harm.  I got alot of attention from my parents, much more than if I had siblings to compete with.  My best friend at school was the oldest of 6 and I used to say I'd love to be her.  She very emphatically replied that no I wouldnt and she would give 
anything to be the only one like me.
Have one child, they will undoubtedly moan about a lack of brothers and sisters as I did, give them what they want and they'd rather be the only one. thats human nature.  Equally, people may say its cruel to only have one - thats rubbish, it isnt... but do what they want and have more and the same people will criticise you for having kids when the world is over populated.  Again, human nature.
so dont let it worry you.  You are not damaging your child for life by not having more.  I would give one bit of a advice though - if you do have only one, make sure your child gets plenty of exposure to other children at a young age, whether through playing with cousins, neighbours, mother and bay group or nursery.  that is the one mistake I think my parents made, I grew up relating extremely well to adults, but not so well to other children.  A play group might have made a difference there.

whatever you decide, be happy and dont let other peoples opinions worry you.


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## KristyLou (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi, I hope you don't mind if I join in. 

I'm having a struggle at the moment with making the big decision about moving on. I so wanted to have another baby and sibling for my DS. I've given it everything. Me and DH have altered our diet, given up alcohol, he gave up his beloved hot baths - it feels like our whole lives have been in limbo for a couple of years now trying for another child. And despite all that effort, all that money, all that time off work and making constant three-hour round trips to our clinic (all that expensive petrol), we just haven't been lucky. 

I feel so conflicted because a big part of my personality is to strive for what I want and keep on trying, but money-wise and also energy-wise I just don't know if I can do it any more. Is this giving up?

I love my DH and DS so much, they really are the best things that have ever happened to me and I've never been happier since we've all been together. There's a big part of me which feels I really need to just live a little and and enjoy them both and move on. And I think they need it too. My DH is lovely and will support me whatever but he is ultimately happy with one and does think it may be time to stop now. The whole process has taken its toll on us although we remain a strong couple. When me and DH are at the park or even just sitting on the settee and our DS beams at us and says something endearingly cheeky, I forget that there's anything else in the world I need. We really have a lovely life together. 

When my DH's mum was my age she'd just started a battle she was to lose with breast cancer and I lost my dad when he was younger than my DH is now. I also lost my younger brother last year, in the middle of IVF trials and tribulations - he was only 31. So I tell myself that although I feel slightly like my world is falling apart at the moment - things could be far worse, I have my health and my little family and we should live life to the full. It's a noble sentiment that I can't hold on to all the time but one which rationally I know is true.

I think my problem is that I want someone to give me a magic answer that I can accept and I don't think that will ever happen. 

I was really interested in the debate about the impact of being an only child. I don't really know anyone who is an only child and feel I have little frame of reference for what my DS's life will be like if he does end up being our only one. I have to say though that the track record in both my and my DH's families is not one where the siblings have been close. 

I wasn't close to my brother really before he died (which I regret now) and my sister is nine years younger and we aren't particularly close either. My DH had a fall out with his sister and they don't speak and his brother and him get on but see each other rarely. 

I am as proactive as I can muster about having lots of playdates for my DS and making sure he sees his cousins as often as possible. I am determined his life will be full of children and fun even if I can't give him a brother or sister.

I'm also trying to think of positives about only having one child - we can give him more, we'll also have more time for ourselves as a couple, I can go back to my career and potentially develop it, we'll have more money and will be able to do more and have more holidays. All this seems quite empty though compared to having another child.

Still, at the moment I think this may be it for us - no more IVF- but then I said that last time!

KL


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