# Different donor-I am shattered



## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi,
I don't know where to post this, so please forgive if I am in the wrong place. I am a single mother and have a wonderful DD by double donor. I had 5 frozen embryos left over, so I was sure I could give her a 100% sibling. I have had 2 cycles and no more frozens are left with two BFN's in the last 3 months. I was hoping to use the same egg donor (I have sperm still left over from the same cycle. Thank goodness I ordered more at the time just in case.) I am shattered to have found out that the egg donor is not available anymore. I just found out yesterday that she is not available. There is nothing I can do. I was so sure I could give my DD 100% siblings. Now they will be half. I really need support because I was crying yesterday. I had my dream and now it's gone. I feel so bad. Has anyone had any experience like this and how did it turn out? Please, I just need support. I am feeling so depressed and disappointed
. Of course, any baby would be wonderful for me. I was just so certain that with 5 frozen embryos-I had thought all these years-that I would have no problem getting pregnant again with a 100% sibling. I feel like I've been socked in the gut.


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

My two are double donor and I found that the egg donor wasn't available when I came I try again. After a bit of disappointment I was ok with it and they are full siblings in every sense of the word. They also look very similar to each other and of course full genetic siblings don't always look like each other when not donor conceived. Your new child will be his/her own person and you won't give it a second thought I bet when they are here. Wishing you lots of success with your next treatment.  

Love and hugs F xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi Felix42,
Thanks for replying and that is so neat that they look like each other. This is what I am hoping for. I love my dd to pieces and would love to have more versions of her. She is utterly adorable and looks like the Gerber baby. I want to have more of her running around my house. That makes me feel better that they look like. I hope I don't offend anyone. It was just my dream to replicate my dd, and I thought I could. I may still be able to with having the same sperm-yeah!  And it also gives me hope to know that you got over your initial disappointment.   
Congratulations on your two babies! That is my hope and dream-to have more. Take care Felix42,
sohocat


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Sohocat
didn't want to read and run, although my situation is different I can only imagine how much of a blow that was for you.
I'm so sorry your frozen embryos didn't lead to your longed-for new baby.
It's understandable that this is so very important to you, using double donation, but just think how many siblings have different bio dads or mums and grow up happily together in the same family, or how many full blood siblings totally hate each other!
If you can use the same clinic for your egg donor, perhaps the nurses can help you find someone who looks similar to your first donor? Or could you use a clinic that lets you browse pictures of donors (I think they do that in the US), so you can maybe compare baby pictures of the ED to your DD?
Give yourself some time to digest this news, and I am sure you will make a decision which feels right for you and your DD. xxx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Disappointing for you Sohocat, hope you are feeling more adjusted to it now.  We have to reframe and readjust at every turn in this game, planning just doesn't seem to play much of a part.  No two kids are the same, or so I've heard, even if they are a complete genetic link.  Nurture and environment are so important.  I'm sure you can get your head round this and if it's any comfort my siblings and I couldn't be more different.  Sorry too that your recent cycles haven't worked.  Keep your chin up.    
Diesy xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Diesy,
Thank you hun. That was a sweet thing to say, and it cheered me up. It's nice knowing others are out there like me-trying and wanting to get pregnant and being single at the same time and going through IVF. The previous cycles were frozen, so I'm hoping a fresh cycle will bring me luck. My DD came from a fresh cycle. I hope you are doing ok, and I'm sorry about your house. (I read about it on another post.) Take care of yourself,   
sohocat


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Broody Chick,
Yes, I am going back to the same clinic and will try and find another donor that looks similar to the one before. Thank you for your kind words. I did talk to someone who had gone through something exactly the same, but she went through this before me and now has 3 children. I talked with her another website. She said she felt the exact same way I did, that she cried and cried for 2 weeks, and now she has 3 children and loves them so much and wouldn't want anything to be different. I know I will feel like that someday-when the time comes. Or if and when I become pregnant again and have another baby and he/ she comes into the world. I know I will love them with all my heart and I won't feel like this. But I need time to grieve right now. It's a huge loss. Sometimes we need to regroup and restructure our plans. Take care   
sohocat


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Sohocat   I appreciated your post next door.    Why is nothing ever simple?  Very glad to hear you're still in the game and pitching, gotta be in it to win it.  Right I must get back to tidying and painting and then miraculously my life might feng shui itself into amazingness.  (Has anyone seen my amazingness?  I'm sure it was here somewhere.)  

Keep us updated please!  xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Diesy,
yes, I definetely saw your amazingness!!


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

You are truly insightful Sohocat    Any little person in your household will thrive like number one daughter, absolutely convinced of it.


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Sohocat - I don't know if it would be different looking at egg donors than sperm donors but I have 2 kids with different sperm donors.  I wanted the same donor as my first & was disappointed when the clinic said that a) they didn't have any stock left of his and b) he wasn't responding to clinic approaches to see if he would donate again for siblings.  However I then thoughts about how much I wanted a sibling for my son & realised that actually they are whole siblings as they totally share one family.  Its not the same as families where there are half sibs and absent parents that some sibs go off to for the weekend leaving other sibs behind.  My children have one family who are always there for them - and to be honest I forget that they are biologically half siblings as in my mind they are social full siblings.  And of course once my little girl arrived I marvelled at the fact that if I had used the same donor as for my son, I would not in fact have the wonderful, feisty, mischevious little monkey that I do have now cos it would have been a different egg and a different sperm on a different day.  So all in all, I thank my lucky stars that I had to go with a different donor as otherwise my kids would not be who they are.  Hope that makes sense.  It is something that takes a little while to get your head around but it has all sorts of bonuses when you see individual little people emerge.  You won't have a replica of your daughter - but you will have a wonderful individual child who will bring his or her own specialness to your little family.


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Diesy:
Why thank you! That's such a nice thing to say. And I think you are insightful as well, to see how insightful I am. Lol !!
Grace10704: Thank you for your response. I know when my child comes, if I am so lucky as to become pregnant again, that I will love that new baby with all my heart. You can't explain it-you just have to experience it. I know that's true, and it's so nice to hear about your experience. It is the same thing-1/2 siblings and all. I just need to grieve a bit. I can't feel the happiness. I know it will come if I have another baby. That whole, new beautiful person. But I just can't feel that now. I feel rather low. I love my DD so much. She is so special and all I can feel right now is my disappointment at not having a 100% sibling. But I know I will feel different later. I'm positive of it.  I just can't feel that right now. Thanks for your response,
sohocat


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