# Really sad today.



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I found out in February that my SIL is pregnant.

Her side of the family decided to 'protect' me from it so they didn't tell me. She'd been pregnant since November and I'd spoken to her and my MIL a number of times but neither of them told me. I found out by accident in a really, really horrible way from SIL who I think thought my MIL had told me so she was really showing off about it. It nearly killed me as I was going through a tx cycle when I found out. So nice of them to wait until the worst possible time to blurt it out.

I think it's even worse as SIL knew of our issues to the extent that it is the only reason she got pg in the first place. When we spoke to her and her DH about it all, they both went and got tested to see if there were any worries with them. The Dr told them they would have troubles so they started trying with clomid and she got pg within 3 months. However in the time before this, she was inconsolable, phoning me for advice, getting upset every time a friend announced a pregnancy, etc.

She seemed to think she had an idea of IF because of her brief brush with it.

Anyhow after my tx cycle finished, due to her obvious insensitivity, I sent her an e-mail saying that she'd upset me. She didn't apologise at all, just avoided the topic, so I thought I'd send her an e-mail detailing how best to deal with IF issues with me I sent her this link: http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/?id=12172&utm_source=Infertility+Network+UK+List&utm_campaign=9943711d82-eNewsletter4&utm_medium=email Not only did she not reply to that e-mail at all, she has not once asked me how things are with us. Not once. It might be because she's embarrassed but it comes across to me like she doesn't care about me/us at all and just doesn't want to talk to me because she's got what she wants now and doesn't care about anyone else.

Anyway, I've just sent her an e-mail because no-one will tell me when her baby is due. They change the subject and talk about something else. She's come back to me to tell me it's due on Sunday so it's brought all my emotions up again.

I'm so hacked off that no-one on that side of the family will speak to me. My family are in Australia and we stayed in this sodding country so my DH could be close to his family - when I am so much closer emotionally to mine. I agreed to it as I thought his family would include me but all it comes across as is them not wanting anything to do with me because they close ranks and don't talk to me about any of this even when I ask. I've told them that if I ask about it, it's fine, but I don't want to be regaled with unsolicited details about it all. My mum is one of my main sources of support but instead I'm over here where I have to deal with everything on my own.

I'm so sad because my SIL is having the baby that I should have had. It feels like she's stolen it from me. Her DH doesn't want children and they only started trying because he thought they couldn't have any so he'd be safe. She panicked after I told her about our issues - so the only reason he even agreed to it is because of our IF problems. If it hadn't been for us telling them, they never would have tried. So she's having the first grandchild when they didn't even want it in the first place. It just adds insult to injury. On top of all that no-one will talk to me about any of it so I can't resolve any of it and it just keeps going around in my head.

The only saving grace is that SIL lives in the States with her DH so I don't have to see her.

Sorry for the all over the place me post but I just had to get it out as I'm really, really upset about it all today.


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm so sorry about your failed cycle, but i think you are directing your frustrations at your inlaws a bit unfairly.

I think it's a bit much to expect other people to watch what they say around you and not be able to speak freely about the happy things in their lives - like being pregnant. If i ever get pregnant anyone can get stuffed if they think i'm not going to be shouting it from the rooftops at every opportunity.

Infertility is hard to deal with, but i'd hate to think of it being a burden on everyone. It is mine and my husbands burden. I don't believe anyone can be expected to understand it without having gone through it themselves.

I can understand the competition that goes on between ourselves and SIL, but please don't expect your infertility to be what everyone elses lives revolves around. If you think that someone says something negative about your situation, go ahead and inform them that they have just upset you, but you are soon going to start to alienate yourself if you take things so personally.

My SIL is a cow as far as i am concerned. I have specifically requested that she doesn't know about our infertility. She got pregnant and all she has done since the child was born is palm it off on everyone else whenever the opportunity arises and ruin any family occasions with her anxiety. Now she is ttc again for number two and i dread her getting pregnant before me. I dread being pregnant at the same time. I dread competing with her for some attention from the inlaws.

Just keep your distance if they upset you and focus more on friendships.

Please don't upset yourself any more than is necessary


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## sammyc (Oct 9, 2007)

Hi mandypandy, im so sorry to hear about your failed cycle.


I have just had another ICSI cycle which ended up being ectopic. i understand how upset you are feeling about your SIL. 
I get so fed up with people avoiding the subject of babies. I found out just after my ectopic that a friend at work (she works on a different area now so don't see her much) was 20 weeks pregnant & my collegues kept it from me, I know they don't understand but i would of rather of known earlier incase i bumped into her. I saw her in feb when she told me they were thinking of trying as she know's the trouble we have had & she is 37 so if that if they had problems then they had time to deal with things. well she fell pregnant in march and baby is due just before christmas! 


Another friend at work had her 2nd baby just before my ectopic & even though she know's about it hasn't even sent me a message. My friends at work know about my tx and 2 other girls have children through ivf. When one of these girls had a m/c a few years ago we done a collection and sent her flowers, but no-one form work has sent me anything    (sorry feeling sorry for myself)


I saw my SIL yesterday & even though she has 2 girls & my BIL has another daughter from another relationship, she set about telling me that if she wants another child they would need IVF as she now has PCOS. She didn't even ask how i was & if i was coping. They are lucky to have the 3 children between them. 


I find so many people just avoiding the subject of a family 'just' inacse it upsets me, which makes things worse. 
My best friend has a 1 yr old & say's she understands as she has PCOS, but she was only trying for at most a yr and fell pregnant naturally. 


I have many people who tell me go on holiday & relax & it will happen   Well after over 9 years trying thousands spent, if it was that easy don't they think i would of done that!!
I also have the other question, as it hasn't worked are you going to adopt? Well NO im not, i want my own baby & this time i did get my BFP ive been waiting for it was just very sad that it ended up snuggling in the wrong place.


Im so sorry for having a bit of a moan just having a down day. Ive been off work for a few weeks since my ectopic & plan to go back the 1st of september. by then i hope my head will be back to normal. Im calling the hospital this week as its been 6 weeks since i had the injection (methotrexate) to kill off the ectopic & still the lovely   hasn't showed herself. I just want to get it over with then maybe i can move on and stop torturing myself, i would of been 13 weeks today, so i need to move on and get my self back to normal   


Well take care & thanks for listening to me getting things off my chest   


xxx xxx xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

L_ouise said:


> I'm so sorry about your failed cycle, but i think you are directing your frustrations at your inlaws a bit unfairly.
> 
> I think it's a bit much to expect other people to watch what they say around you and not be able to speak freely about the happy things in their lives - like being pregnant. If i ever get pregnant anyone can get stuffed if they think i'm not going to be shouting it from the rooftops at every opportunity.
> 
> ...


If you read my post, you'll see I was actually saying the opposite.  I want to hear her news but they refuse to talk to me about it. I have asked and asked and asked for news but they change the subject. I'm sick of them thinking they can't talk to me about it - I WANT to be treated normally but instead they're shutting me out because THEY are deciding what they think I can and can't handle. My frustrations are directed entirely fairly at my inlaws as if they were open and honest about it all, there wouldn't be an issue.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

sammyc said:


> Hi mandypandy, im so sorry to hear about your failed cycle.
> 
> I have just had another ICSI cycle which ended up being ectopic. i understand how upset you are feeling about your SIL.
> I get so fed up with people avoiding the subject of babies. I found out just after my ectopic that a friend at work (she works on a different area now so don't see her much) was 20 weeks pregnant & my collegues kept it from me, I know they don't understand but i would of rather of known earlier incase i bumped into her. I saw her in feb when she told me they were thinking of trying as she know's the trouble we have had & she is 37 so if that if they had problems then they had time to deal with things. well she fell pregnant in march and baby is due just before christmas!
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear of your ectopic.  I know absolutely nothing I could say or do could possibly make it better so, as far as I'm concerned, you have every right to moan and feel sorry for yourself and do whatever it takes to try and ease the pain.  I'm pleased you at least have a bit of time off to try to come to terms with it. 

I know exactly what you mean about people saying: 'why don't you adopt', or 'just relax and go on holiday - it'll happen!'. Or even worse recently: 'I don't know why you bother not drinking - Christ if it wasn't for alcohol, I'd have no children!' (he has two)

In terms of people 'protecting' us. I know they mean well but it comes across as the opposite - like we have some kind of disease. I know people aren't always aware of what to do for the best and need some help with understanding it. It's why I sent SIL the link - to make it easier for her (in fact I sent it to everyone who I have told about our IF issues as I know how hard it is for them too). Her completely ignoring it and doing the opposite of what I have specifically asked just smacks of not giving a sh*t. I sent it to her because of her utter tactlessness at 'announcing' her pregnancy (basically, she is fully aware of our issues and when I was going through treatment, I was thinking of her as I thought she was having to go through the same as me, so I sent her a lovely long e-mail asking how everything was with her and telling her all about how things were going for us. She replied with: 'Basically, I am one lucky b*tch'. I asked what she meant and she said she was going through some tests. I asked what tests and she said: 'Well, there's a bun in the oven but we're not sure if it's going to rise.' I was utterly shell shocked as at that point, she was 16 weeks pregnant (which AGAIN I had to ask 3 times before she'd tell me). So I'd been feeling sorry for her and sending her sympathy when I was going through such a hard time myself - and that's how she responded. Not a nice way to find out. If they had just been honest from the start, it would have been over and done with before I started tx).

I have told people time and time again that if I ask about it, it's absolutely fine - and by the same token if I don't want to talk about it, I will also let them know. I know they're not mind readers but to completely disregard what I've asked just shows exactly how much they care.


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Oh MandyPandy, I know it's hard and from what you say you have been brilliant in supporting her in the past and it is thanks to you that she's gone ahead and is having her littlie. Sounds like even thought her other half didn't want one fact is she did, a lot by the sounds of it and she's got her wish thanks to you. From what she said about having tests and all that stuff sounds like the early stages of her pregnancy were maybe a little shaky? Sure maybe she is a bit tactless in how she puts stuff but sounds like maybe she's been very worried about the whole thing herself (just guessing), maybe she's terrified so doesn't talk about the baby to anyone lot's of people just don't like to until baba is here. I imagine her sole and only focus at the moment is the littley and I sort of understand that, I know if I was evr lucky enough to get pregnant I'd be terrified and hide in my little bubble most likely just in case talking about it jinxed it all). If you really do want to be included in it with her why not ask if you can organise a baby shower for her? Sorry not got many helpful ideas otherwise on this one, at the mo I don't deal well with other people's pregnancies so ignore them altogether.

Take care sweets and have a good rant whenever. helps I find x


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Maisyz said:


> Oh MandyPandy, I know it's hard and from what you say you have been brilliant in supporting her in the past and it is thanks to you that she's gone ahead and is having her littlie. Sounds like even thought her other half didn't want one fact is she did, a lot by the sounds of it and she's got her wish thanks to you. From what she said about having tests and all that stuff sounds like the early stages of her pregnancy were maybe a little shaky? Sure maybe she is a bit tactless in how she puts stuff but sounds like maybe she's been very worried about the whole thing herself (just guessing), maybe she's terrified so doesn't talk about the baby to anyone lot's of people just don't like to until baba is here. I imagine her sole and only focus at the moment is the littley and I sort of understand that, I know if I was evr lucky enough to get pregnant I'd be terrified and hide in my little bubble most likely just in case talking about it jinxed it all). If you really do want to be included in it with her why not ask if you can organise a baby shower for her? Sorry not got many helpful ideas otherwise on this one, at the mo I don't deal well with other people's pregnancies so ignore them altogether.
> 
> Take care sweets and have a good rant whenever. helps I find x


I think you're quite right. She lives in the States so I think there, they just do genetic testing as standard. I don't think there were ever any worrying issues (although how would I know?! I've asked and no-one's told me). I keep asking MIL as I thought SIL probably didn't want to talk about it to me as I probably make her feel uncomfortable, but even MIL clams up and just gives vague answers. I completely understand that she'd be focused on the baby and not worrying about anyone else (I'd be exactly the same) - but I don't understand why she refuses to answer direct questions and forces me to ask them over and over again.

I even sent SIL an e-mail yesterday asking for her address (I'm dreadful at keeping records and have lost it.  )as I want to send some stuff over to her and even then she said: 'Oh, just well wishes on ** will be enough' - *sigh* I do want to be a good Auntie but they won't let me.


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