# single age dilemma



## Sarah09 (Nov 28, 2009)

Hi Friends
I was encouraged by recent posts about conceiving after 45, and wondered if anyone could share their view on my dilemma as I am still considering my options.  I am 48/49 and single.  I have been patiently waiting for Mr. Right all my life to have kids with, and after a year long 'nearly' relationship that never took off and finally ended a month ago with the guy dumping me for a younger (and beautiful blonde) woman, I have accepted I've been foolish with my life/time.  I have always wanted a family of my own, and have always described myself as 'family orientated'.  But I am essentially all alone in the world without any family- my siblings have moved emotionally and physically away from me over the years and all efforts to contact them have been rebuffed, and now we have lost all contact.  And why do I want a child...to be a family, to have someone to call my own family, to love and be loved by, to know that there is someone for whom I am family member, to know what it is to be a woman, a mother, to know that a part of me will live on when I die.  

So here I am, my fertility fickering in its last light... I am (just about) ovulating, and my FSH/LH levels are normal.  I had an ovarian reserve test (pelvic scan/tests) in 2006 and all was normal.  So the strong woman in me wants to surge ahead and go for the fertility options that may be open to me.  But what really frightens me is the fact I have only 15 years before I am a pensioner!  I don't have a great pension nor savings.  So am I selfish and foolish to even consider bringing a life into this world?  I always hoped to give the best to my child - I envisaged providing a good standard of living for my child but being of pensionable age at a crucial time with no one else to help, it'll be a poor childhood.  Off course, I also had a poor childhood, my parents struggled financially and we depended on some state help at times.  Lucky for me the state paid for my university education - will my child have even what little I had.  It's a real dilemma, for me.  This may be be my last chance...I have come to the shore, should I make a boat and sail with a child in my belly all alone.  Sorry if this sounds poetic, it's not meant to, it's just that I feel unable to move any which way.  Feeling sad, torn and alone.

Sarah09


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Sarah - sending some    first of all...this is a tough journey for sure, and made more so by being single

I agree with Rose that counselling may well help you move forward and feel less stuck. Probably sounds obvious, but do find the right counsellor. I worked my way through 3 over the years before I found my current counsellor and only now can I really see how the other 3 didn't actually help at all. So it's really critical to find one who is right for you and don't be afraid to not continue seeing one if you're not sure that they are really helping

I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit blunter than Rose though and tell you that you will be wasting time and money (not to mention putting yourself through huge emotional stress) if you try to go ahead with your own eggs. In the UK I am pretty sure there have been no, or perhaps only 1 or 2 live births to women over 43 with IVF with their own eggs in the past 2 or 3 years. There have been natural pregnancies/births, but not through IVF treatment - and even these are very very rare for women over 43 ish. Of course it's always heartening to hear of women in their late 40s who conceive and give birth - but they really are in the tiny minority and you have to consider the overall statistics. You are already concerned about being an older parent, so if you decide to go ahead, you would be wise to take the path that gives you the highest chance of conceiving as quickly as possible - and that is donor eggs. 
Now of course that's not a decision anyone takes lightly, but I just feel the odds are so against you being successful with your own eggs that I couldn't not say so....

On the positive side, you are not alone. There are lots of us single women here, of all ages and at all stages of treatment and the support and information you will get is incredible. We meet up in person quite regularly and I know that the women I have met here will be a part of my (and my child's - fingers crossed) life in the future

Wishing you the very best of luck in your decision making. If you have questions about egg donor IVF, pls feel free to get in touch - I have had to take this path myself (despite being under 40 - at least for another couple of months!) and am happy to share what I've learnt...

Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Sarah  so sorry to hear your story.,  I think Rose and Suity have given you great advice, I would look on the over 40's thread, and look at donor egg options, or donated embryos abroad, and find a clinic that will treat ladies of your age, the Lister may be one in the UK.  Otherwise Eastern Europe, Ukriane, Russia, Poland treat older ladies, also worth looking into India and USA.  I was treated in one IVI clinic in Spain and their cut off was your age at present.

I would also see a counsellor to explore things and if you do decide to go down the treatment option the emotional upheaval to come and in a very short space of time will be hard, and also the recent relationship break up and things that you have just mentioned in your post.

L x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Sarah,
Not much I can add, but wanted to send some   and back-up what the others have said. I think realistically donor eggs will be the way to go, I have a friend of 45 (46 in May) due to give birth in January from donor egg, she had tried a few attempts with own eggs and it was second go with frozen embryo transfer that worked.  These boards are a great source of support and we're all be here to help in whatever way we can, its a tough journey and I value the advice and support offered on here very highly.

I am also pursuing adoption.  Its annoying when people suggest this sometimes as I totally understand the desire to be pregnant and give birth, but it might be worth investigating, if you haven't already, especially if you'd like more than one child, although I suspect UK adoption would offer an older child as I think they have a 45 maximum age gap between child and parent.

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing all about your journey.
sending   and  
xx


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## Sarah09 (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks all for your replies.  I shall give Lister a try, and see what's possible.  It's good to know there are people whi I can share this with.  I'll look into finding a counsellor, although sharing experiences is really helpful.

Thanks
Sarah09


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Sarah, just wanted to say good luck with pursuing your dream and look forward to getting to know you better on this journey.

Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi,
I really understand, and I will give you the best possible advice from my experience and what I have learned-go donor eggs.  And try and pay for the highest number of sperm count if you are doing sperm donor.  I am turning 46 in a few days, and just did donor egg and sperm and just found out I am pregnant on Dec 24th!  I went to Reprofit and it was wonderful.  I am from the US and was told by more than one really good fertility doctor in the US that I need do donor eggs-my eggs are not good anymore because of my age.  I got pregant at 42 and wasn't even trying!  but miscarried because my eggs weren't good.  I get really mad when people say oh I know so and so and she got pregant at 45 withot even trying-it doesn't happen!  Your chances are really impossible.  I'm sorry, but it's true and I wish someone had not said oh I know so and so... because they did and I wasted a lot of time, but I wish I was told the hard facts and then made a plan earlier back a ways.  But donor eggs are still your baby-it's your baby, you are carrying it, and you affect it in the womb-it is a scientific fact.  I too am worried about the money, but I think things work out and I'd rather have done this than regretted it later and not spent the money.  Good luck!
sohocat


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## blueytoo (Oct 5, 2003)

My ex-boss had several cycles of own egg IVF at LWC. Her first when she was 41 and she had a lovely little boy, she then a negative cycle, followed by a positive cycle but sadly miscarried at 9 weeks ish. She then had another negative cycle and finally she then had a positive cycle at age 46/7 and had twins, so all of those with her eggs. 

So there is some hope  

I was playing with the Lister success rates on their website and I am sure there was a pregnancy/live birth on there for a lady well into her 40's and that was with own eggs too. I think you should at least speak to the Lister as they have a lot of patients in their 40's and a very good donor egg program so they are well placed to run through your options with you.

Good luck

Claire


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Sarah
I think you should have a chat with two or three clinics for your own peace of mind.  You'd have to have all the tests again and start from scratch.  Everyone's body is different but what's agreed is your fertility pretty much falls off a cliff after 36.  And I agree with earlier posters.  Based on my conversations with experts you'll have next to no chance at your age - sorry to be blunt.  It's great to hear of one or two success stories but compared to the number of women who are still trying at that age, it's a rare occurence. You can check out the HFEA stats online - it's depressing reading.

If time is against you and you want a family badly, you don't want to waste precious years/months faffing about IMO!

I'm 45 and went to Institute Marques in Barcelona (was 44 at that point) for double donor (eggs and sperm) and they treat women up to 50.  That seems to be the cut off point for a lot of clinics but as JJ said, there will be more info and support on the over 40s thread elsewhere.  

Am now very happily with bun in oven!

RLxx


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2010)

sohocat said:


> Hi,
> I really understand, and I will give you the best possible advice from my experience and what I have learned-go donor eggs. And try and pay for the highest number of sperm count if you are doing sperm donor. I am turning 46 in a few days, and just did donor egg and sperm and just found out I am pregnant on Dec 24th! I went to Reprofit and it was wonderful. I am from the US and was told by more than one really good fertility doctor in the US that I need do donor eggs-my eggs are not good anymore because of my age. I got pregant at 42 and wasn't even trying! but miscarried because my eggs weren't good. I get really mad when people say oh I know so and so and she got pregant at 45 withot even trying-it doesn't happen! Your chances are really impossible. I'm sorry, but it's true and I wish someone had not said oh I know so and so... because they did and I wasted a lot of time, but I wish I was told the hard facts and then made a plan earlier back a ways. But donor eggs are still your baby-it's your baby, you are carrying it, and you affect it in the womb-it is a scientific fact. I too am worried about the money, but I think things work out and I'd rather have done this than regretted it later and not spent the money. Good luck!
> sohocat


Hi Sohocat glad to hear you got pregnant at 46 with DE. There are so many women using Reprofit. I have been looking and i think if i leave the UK i will have to go to Barbados or SA since I require an African descent donor.

Sarah you need to believe that you want a child and you will have one dont let money be a deciding factor. When i was younger i always thought i could not cope without a full-time job and maybe then i wasnt ready for a child but i was in a relationship. now i find myself on my own and i know i could cope. I know how hard it is with family but if you sit back and do nothing you may regret it when you are in your 60's. I was told by someone quite close that he believes what i am doing is immoral and he told me of a woman who had got pregnant at 46 with her own eggs so i shouldnt worry. A friend's cousin got pregnant at 48 but i know they are in a minority. We single women are also at a great disadvantage because as one doctor told me you are not having regular sex.


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi girls

I nearly posted in response to sarah's original post but although I am rarely outspoken this topic does upset me.

I do honestly think it is selfish to bring a child into the world knowing that you will be lucky to have another good twenty years left and not have any other people around who that child can look to when/if you aren't able to be there.  I know that as soon as I hit 35 I became Almost desparAte for a baby.  I could not have waited another ten years.  

Children need love, security, patience and energy as well as financial security and I would not dream of bringing a child into the world unless I could provide all of this.

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising and I wonder if I am the only one who thinks this!  By the way this doesn't apply to girls who thought about it years ago but have yet to achieve their dream - that is a completely different story.

A xx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

ameliacooper said:


> I hope this doesn't come across as patronising and I wonder if I am the only one who thinks this! By the way this doesn't apply to girls who thought about it years ago but have yet to achieve their dream - that is a completely different story.


How does that make a difference? it's either selfish for older women to have children, or its not, surely?

To focus your criticism on those you deem not to have tried hard enough in their late thirties seems odd to me!


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Drownedgirl - I think as a single mother by choice there are additional things to think about when embarking on TTC alone that are necessarily dependent on maternal age, that not all couples undergoing fertility treatment have always put plans in place for, and hopefully no-one will have to enact.  

There will be no-one obvious partner to care for the child if something happens to you as the mother, and no-one else with parental responsibility for unplanned emergency situations even things like trips to the hospital/immunisations all need someone with parental responsibility to give consent.  Hence the topics on this site about wills/inheirtance/trust funds/earning capacity before retirement/guardians to be appointed.

I am in my early 40's and still have no living child, I started in ttc when I was 35/6, I don't have an issue with age per se,  and really hope that when  my child finally arrives I will have many years to spend with them.  

L x


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I have moments of huge guilt when i think that what I'm planning to do is incredibly selfish. 

If my next cycle works I'll be becoming a first time mother at 44 and I'm willingly bringing that child up with no father and no chance of ever tracing its father...and all because I have this huge 'baby hunger' and can't bear to go through life without becoming a mother.

But, on the other hand, i did absolutely everything I could to do things in a more traditional way - I had long term relationships, nearly got married and wanted to have a conventional family. it just didn't happen. 

I'm very fit and healthy - far more so than my mum or gran's generation and fully expect to live at least another 40 years. 

I think I'll be a very good, loving and creative mother. My child will be surrounded by a large, caring extended family who will love him/or her to bursting point. I think that's far more important than maternal age.

My dad died when I was 8 and he was in his 30s, my friend's mum died when she was 11 and her mother was in her 30s.

My best friend fell in love, got married and had a baby - her husband went to NZ on business and never came home - he hasn't seen his daughter in four years and has never paid a penny towards her.

None of us know how life will pan out so all we can do is try and fulfil our dreams and live as good a life as possible with the time we have.


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

DG - My reply was really aimed at Sarah the original poster

What she said was that she was nearing 50 - all alone in the world - no family around - and had no financial security - and asked if she thought she was being selfish - Yes is still my answer

Most of the girls on this board (myself included) started around their 30s and early 40s ttc and worked hard to a) provide some financial security and b) some emotional security by surrounding themselves with people who will help and support them and their children.

The thought that you can have a child at 50 - with the possibility that should you not be able to look after it there is no back up plan is selfish and irresponsible in my opinion.

Violet  - I agree with you that life can be unpredictable - but you said yourself you are surrounded by a loving, caring extended family.

Axx


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## cocochanel1 (Oct 15, 2009)

My thoughts Sarah... 
I think it can be really hard when life doesn't turn out how you plan/ hope and I feel for you - I think many of us can relate to that feeling. It can be very hard to know which way to turn. I hope that you have someone who you can speak with to discuss the pro's and con's and find a way forward that feels right. I think what we all want is to be in a position to provide the emotional, financial and physical support and love for our children and I am sure that you are the sort of person who will make sure that you have the right support in place to do so otherwise I don't think you would have posed the question.
I hope things work out for you.
Coco xx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

I’m sorry but I think it’s very disappointing when people post on here looking for support and advice and they get a very negative response.

I also think people are very lucky if they realised at a (relatively) early age that they wanted a child at all costs and above all else, whilst others held onto the hope that they would meet the right person to start a family with, the pressure to wait added to by the extreme pressure from society to conform to that picture perfect family with mummy, daddy and 2.4 children.

If you already have a child you are lucky that you will never have to find out what it is like to get to your 40s and realise that you had made a mistake by waiting, that perhaps you could do this alone, but it might be too late.

And how lucky for those of us who DO have an extended support system, whether that be made up of family or friends, to help us when we do decide to fulfil our strongest ever desire, which is to be a mother. 

Sarah – I think you are right to consider all the things you are thinking about, but only you can make the final decision and you are the one that has to live with that decision. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do.   

GIA Tooxx


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Sarah, just wanted to send you some  for your current situation. You say you've not got a good support network just now but maybe that's something that you can now be actively working on to develop. There are all sorts of baby related groups - including FF of course. I must admit that I've never had so many dear friends as I now feel I have and I know these friendships will grow and grow both between FFs and our much loved offspring. There are also other groups like the Donor Conception Network and of course once you are pregnant ( if that's what you decide you do want) then there are NCT classes and Sure Start etc. The world expands with a LO and you develop new networks you never thought possible. 

I sadly left it late to pursue this dream, mainly because of being an optimist that I would find someone to have a much wanted family with - sometimes optimism isn't such a good thing - but I'm sure I'll never regret going down this path and I'm very hopeful my daughter won't regret it either. She's snuggled up to me now in fact and I intend to give her all the support, love and affection one LO can stand.  Ok I'm older but I intend to take good physical care of myself for both our sakes and who knows maybe we will add to our small family in the future with another LO or maybe a step daddy. 

Sending you lots of  and  for your journey. Don't be a stranger. There is lots of support for you here whatever path you decide to take. 

Love & hugs, Felix xx


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Sarah - as you can see there is a range of opinion about older mothers and the lives they can provide for their children ... even on FF which is essentially a support network.  its a very emotive issue...

I do think that each and every one of us has the right to hold their opinion on what constitutes the provision of life for a child/children and am sure that opinions expressed on here are born out of concern for that child (not sure about D mail   )

In my humble opinion, each and every one of us also has the right to a family if that is what drives us.  I refuse to believe that anyone takes this difficult road easily and i think that your concerns are a positive sign of you preparing yourself to be a parent.  I know that I may well be open to criticism from some quarters due to my singledom, my age (43) and the fact that my son is only 8 months old.  I can cope with that because i know that I am at peace with my decision.  If i were you I would explore counselling to independently help you to conclude what is the best way forward for you.. 

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.


Maya


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## c.t (Mar 24, 2010)

Good evening ladies

  Would it be alright if i joined your group, I'm 42 single and about to go through my third ttc. try1 ended BFN try 2 BFN so here's 
  hoping 3rd time lucky.
  I've only just found ff and until then was going through this all alone, i have a large family who even though they love me they
  have had issues about my going it alone, some say its a waist of money (as it wont work anyway) others think I'm being selfish
  and its a knee jerk reaction to being over 40 so no one is really comfortable talking about it. I'm hoping I've changed that by joining
  ff.


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hello CT
welcome to the group...feel free to post on any thread which is relevant...maybe pop onto the newbies thread and say hello there as most people will read that.

Wishing you lots of luck for number 3 go      

x


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