# i dont want to be an anonymous donor!



## surromummyuk (Oct 4, 2007)

maybe its because ive been a surrogate,ive been giving this so much thought,but i have decided i dont want to donate my eggs anonymously,its just not for me,i so want to be part of the journey and if that cant happen then so be it,i just dont fancy pumping myself full of ivf drugs,go through all that,risk my health and not even know the recipient,ive been through far too much lately to face that,am i sounding like a whiny selfish brat??


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## laurab (Apr 17, 2006)

Surromummy,

Yes I think you are a very selfish brat... going around helping all us ladies get our dream by putting yourself through entire pregnancies and giving birth for the sake of others.. very selfish!  (that was me being sarcastic by the way)!!

I think it is great you are wanting to be part of the childs life and I am sure there are lots of recipients who would want that too (obviously you would all need to be clear on boundaries,which as a surrogate mum I am sure you are already well aware of).  

What you are requesting is the same as what a known donor would have, I must admit if i was able to donate Iwould love to get the odd photo and hear how the child was getting on.

I wish you lots of love and luck.  You really are a very special person.

XX


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## Lorna (Apr 8, 2004)

No you are *definitely *not**
>a whiny selfish brat??

I worked with a donor in the US, and was pleasantly surprised to find out, that not only did the agency we used say I could meet my donor, but I was positively encouraged to do so. So I have not only met my donor, and spent time with her, I have arranged for my children to meet her, when they are older. If that is what they want.

Apart from egg/sperm/embryo donation, I can't think of one instance, where a child does not have the right to know their biological parent. I can think of cases where parents are given no access to their children, but we seem to (universally?) accept that children have the right to know about their parents. And I use that in the most general sense. All children have a right, not just to know/see their biological parent, but anyone who has given them care, and to whom they have formed an attachment. 
Donation is the *only* exception. Why?

Personally I think that is down to the doctors. Occasionally I try to find out what the facts are on a subject. And I mean the facts, not the propaganda that the HFEA produces. When I read papers on the subject of infertility, published in Europe, I can find out the facts, about multiple births, mum's pregnancy, effects of IVF drugs on women's bodies, and so on. I have not yet found *ONE* single paper that talks about patient's lives. NOT ONE.

The Hippocratic Oath says
"I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick."
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/doctors/oath_modern.html
This says that doctors will treat the person and not just the disease.

Most papers published in the US, read like European papers, but a few ask questions, like "if a patient can only afford one round of IVF, is it ethical to deny that person a chance of a family, by only transferring one embryo?" I have yet to see one paper published in Europe, that considers the patient as anything other that the problem. And it irritates the **** of me.

So doctors in the UK, encouraged by organisations like the BMA see egg/sperm/embryo donation, as just that, not as fulfilling someone's dreams, and IVF, is about "making babies", not about creating families. Doctors, IMO, by and large, have forgotten their Hippocratic Oath, and don't treat the patient, they just treat the disease.
How many times, have I heard complaints from posters on BBs about how inhuman infertility treatment is? Ever wondered why?

Anyway back to donation, as doctors see donation about egg/sperm/embryos, and infertility treatment as about making babies, about the mechanics of infertility, they are unlikely to consider the person who is created, as anything other than a the collection of cells. And being blunt, and probably upsetting most people on this board, at the 6 week scan, doctors can probably argue, that there is just a collection of cells on the scanner.

I think of donation in terms of making my dreams come true, and infertility treatment as creating families, so I see a baby. Everything I, maybe you as well, have wanted, something I have dreamed, hoped, cried myself to sleep at night ...... You get the idea.
And if you look at all the different sorts of families that they are, would it really be so odd, to have an honorary auntie/uncle (donor) as a member of your family? In the US, it is possible. Elsewhere? Don't know.

Treatment outside the US, seems to be set up for the benefit of doctors. When two strangers lives entwine; whether it is surrogate and intended parents, or donor and recipient, messy emotions get in the way. And doctors do not want to have to deal with those emotions.
And if you look at things from their point of view, why should they, after all we are only talking about a few cells, egg/sperm/embryo/6 week blob. Blobs don't have feelings and don't need to know about where they came from. Do they?
Hopes and dreams, families have feelings, but not blobs.

When I was in the US, the agencies I dealt with, spent a lot of time talking, about how cruel it is to crush someone's hopes and dreams, whether it is my dream of being a mummy or a surrogates dream of carrying a child for someone else.

The one thing about the US, is the more open system allows patients to demand, that treatment suits them not the doctors. And I for one, would like to see the UK introduce updated Californian style laws to the UK. It would allow patients to have much, much more say in their treatment.
But that would never do, doctors, wouldn't have total control anymore. The BMA would be up in arms about that, just look at the announcement they made before Christmas, about how they thought anonymous donation, was the best way of doing things. That's egg/sperm/embryo donation and making babies talking, not dreams and creating families.

Sorry not sure how you go about being an open donor. I wish you luck.

Lorna.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I just want to say, although we haven't actually spoken, I have read a few of your posts from time to time and I would say that you are probably the least selfish person on here!!!!
What you do is amazing! and the greatest gift a person can give another  

Love Angie xx


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## ~ MJP ~ (Oct 16, 2006)

Surromummy - What you have done is amazing! What a beautiful person you are, I completely understand your wishes  

Laurab - I donated my eggs and found out that my recipient was successful. Like you I'd love to have the occasional card/letter to know how that child is getting on. I don't feel the need for any other contact as it is their child and not mine. But as donors I think we will always be wondering and hoping that children born from our donation are healthy and happy.

We've just started our 2nd IVF/ES. Hopefully my recipient will be successful again!   

Hopefully us too!!  

Maria x


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## laurab (Apr 17, 2006)

Marie - you are a wonderful egg angel too!!    

Oh I wish I was able to donate.. or even have some eggs myself!!


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## surromummyuk (Oct 4, 2007)

aw thanks for the replies ladies,i agree,the laws over here are way too strict


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