# When to call it a day



## SMA1-Mum

We never expected to have to do IVF. I fell pregnant naturally so quickly with our daughter that if we have anymore children, it would be easy. Our daughter was an extremely difficult baby to care for and at 7 months she was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 1 - a rare neurological condition that comes with an average life expectancy of just 8 months. There was no treatment, only palliative care. She passed away in 2016, aged 10 months. 

We got referred for genetic counselling and asked to be further referred for PGD IVF in London. A year after this, we started our first cycle. It took over a year to complete, three transfers and nothing to show for it. Every appointment requires days off work and hours and hours of travelling. We started our second cycle in September 2019 and got very few eggs and only managed to have one unaffected embryo. Again it failed. 

We only have one more funded cycle and there is no way we could ever pay for this privately - the lab costs alone are around £7000-8000. I have requested and was given an appointment for investigations to see whether they could find out why it isn't working (every doctor has said it should) but I am increasingly wondering whether it is worth it? I am surrounded by women whose eldest kids are my daughter's age and have since had one or two more. All of them healthy. It just feels like a slap in the face every time someone else announces they are expecting. 

We have begun to look into adoption a bit more seriously. Our IVF is on hold due to coronavirus and most adoption agencies recommend a six month break before looking into adoption. We are at 6 months post the failure of our second cycle now. I know the adoption process is long and difficult. But I am not sure I can get myself through another invasive IVF cycle. Each failure has been worse than the last and each time it takes me longer to pick myself up. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated


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## Artypants

Hi SMA mum

I am so sorry to read about the tragic passing of your daughter, sending you a huge hug   

It doesn't sound as if you are ready to give up on becoming a Mum, be that through IVF or adoption, they both bring their own challenges. Have you considered donor IVF abroad? Its not for everyone but its generally much easier on you physically than own egg IVF. My only daughter is a result of DE IVF and the process was so much easier and cheaper than having treatment in the UK. i am not really sure about adoption as we didn't get that far in the end but I believe it is a lot easier these days and less red tape. I guess its down to how you feel inside whether you think you could endure treatment again once this virus has passed. Its good to give yourself at least 6 months between treatments to let your body and mind recover.

I wish you lots of strength to come to the right decision for you.

Good luck xx


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## Loulou4-

Im so sorry that you lost your daughter. I can't even imagine how hard that must be and I'm sure makes the process now of IVF even more painful when it doesn't work.  Agree with artypants re donor eggs, I went through early menopause so never did IVF with my own eggs. We have a 3 year old through DE abroad in Greece, and we are still in midst of further treatment to try for a sibling, but unfortunately it's halted by Coronavirus. Our transfer last month didn't work so I'm waiting go go back out for next FET. 

It is Def easier on your body, from what I've heard. Your only bit is to get lining right, and the logistics of flying out for transfer isn't as bad as it might seem. There's obv no guarantee with that, but your odds for success are pretty high and it takes a lot of pressure off you. 

If it doesn't work for us we are also considering adoption so I understand what you mean re the 6 month wait, if your there already you wouldn't want to put that back by starting new treatment, but only you know if your ready to go down that route and if your ready to let go of the pregnant side of things. It's really hard to know what to go, best of luck with everything xx


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## Opossum

sorry to hear about your little girl, the hardest thing in life is to lose a child

I cant really comment on your situation as mine isnt the same but I just wanted to say if your worry is cost then there are cheaper options, we struggled for 9 years and couldnt afford IVF OOP so I looked abroad. We went to Reprofit and I would recommend it to anyone, they have fantastic success rates and are an affordible option, we where there 1 week cost about £3000 in all (we did mini IVF) and its a holiday too, we spent very little time in the hospital so went and saw many attractions including the catacombs and the z10 bunker.

Full IVF is currently £2200 including ICSI & Assisted Hatching but that doesnt include meds (mine where only £300 from fertility4u) 
PGD is still very expensive but looking at reprofit its £3150 for upto 6 embryos 

and if you are open to other adoption options they also do embryo adoption which is £1140 (this would have been our plan B if we couldnt get pregnant with our own eggs/sperm)


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## K jade

Sorry im probably sounding a bit stroppy here but just to comment on opossums post and embryo 'adoption'

Its true that Reprofit offer treatment with double donor embryos and this was the route that finally got me my beautiful boy after around 10 yrs ttc

But using donor eggs and sperm to conceive really has nothing to do with adoption.  A child born from de/ds is your birth and biological child. Regardless of where the egg came from gestation makes you the biological mum. 

Sorry it just bugs me as i went through such a tough pregnancy and traumatic birth and im absolutely my sons birth mum. And only mum at that . 
No disrespect to adoptive mums, its an equally tough but completely different process 

Anyway, im back in my pram now


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## Efi78

SMA 

i am so sorry that you lost your baby and that you had to go through all this ordeal. 

You mention that you went through genetic testing. May I ask what the results were and what the chances are of having another child having similar condition? Also, what is your age?


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## Opossum

I must have missed the part where I said people werent mothers if they did embryo adoption, I've tried rereading it still dont see it anywhere  

the process is simply called embryo adoption, the action is biological adoption but nowhere did I claim that makes you less of anything (same way no one is saying if you use donor eggs/sperm you are 'less') and honestly the only person implying anything here appears to be the responses saying things like 'I couldnt love my kids more' as if adoptive parent could love their kids more or suggesting they are less because they couldn't physically birth them

I didnt name it that but thats what it is and on every other forum I use (where I have discussed it alot since it was one of our options) no one has had an issue with it and everyone calls it that 

I only came to offer helpful options to a women who is seems scared her options are running out, if it wasnt the only site with a dedicated czech area I wouldnt even both coming back here because the only times people ever attack me for trying to help happen on this site and I have used dozens of site in the last decade+


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## kkgirl

Just wanted to share my 'when to call it a day' story.

For me the decision to 'call it a day' came when I just couldn't face or bear to do any more.
I couldn't continue to put myself through all of the treatments which such little chance of success. It was a gut feeling rather than anything logical, or fact based. I am sure there was more things that were possible to try, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anymore. 

After I made the decision, and wobbled over it for a few years, then I was ok and the pain of it all melted away. Most of my pain came from the desperation of trying and failing, I had 8 miscarriages. Eventually I found out I could accept not being a mother, and now years later I have found out that I can be happy not being a mother. 

Once I accepted it, other people having babies and families didn't hurt as much. But it did take a while (years) to really accept. 

Fertility is an industry,  the industry might  never tell you to stop. Friends don't want to shatter your dreams so they won't tell you to stop either. This decision will have to come from a place deep inside yourself.


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## ZC

Opossum I understood your post. Embryo adoption is the medical term used by the clinics. 

Anyone who has adopted embryos or availed of donor sperm or eggs are the child’s parent with a biological connection. We all understand that. Adopted children are also their parents children. There are many ways to create a family. 

We also need to understand that with embryo adoption and sperm egg donation there are more than just two people involved to make a child. And that’s really important for the child too. But that can be difficult for us. We sometimes want to put the donors out of our mind. 

I am forever Grateful for the options that were available to me. Sometimes we can struggle a little with the terminology and what that may mean to us, our relationship with our child/children can be difficult to navigate. I know I have felt sad and worried and all of the emotions including becoming defensive. But that’s testimony to how full of love we are for them and what an awful time we’ve been through to get here.

Love to you all. Doing our best.


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## ZC

Kkgirl what a helpful post x


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## LateBloom

Hi SMA--1, I'm so sorry that you've had such a tortuous journey, and that you lost your beautiful daughter. When to call a halt is an impossible decision to make, and I feel every ounce of your pain and exhaustion. I tried for 10 years... 8 rounds of fertility treatment, 1 pregnancy that resulted in a missed miscarriage at 3 months, endless expensive tests/procedures/medication but no concrete explanation as to why I couldn't get pregnant or carry a baby successfully. Unexplained implantation failure was the only diagnosis that the consultants could give me. I took a break after the 8th round as I was at my lowest point, and although I debated endlessly about giving up, I just didn't feel in my gut that I was at the end of my journey. I did some brutal soul-searching and realised that I really didn't care if my child was genetically related to me or not, I simply wanted to be a mother. I considered adoption and fostering, but then my wonderful consultant suggested double donation, egg and sperm, as it would give me the best chance of conceiving in his eyes. Up until this point, I had tried with my own eggs (both IUI and IVF), and had also tried embryo donation. He suggested using an egg donor, with a frozen transfer not fresh, as this would mean minimal stress on my body, and a relaxed schedule of transfer, timed to whenever suited my schedule. The latest success figures for a frozen transfer versus a fresh transfer are almost identical. It worked a treat. My 9th cycle was an absolute breeze - no huge hormonal stress on my body and mind, a lovely few days in sunny Cyprus with a fabulous team of fertility doctors, and a successful outcome. Today I'm 23 weeks pregnant. If my consultant hadn't suggested a double donation, I would probably have given up - brokenhearted but resigned to my childless fate. I firmly believe that you are a mother regardless of how your child comes into your life, regardless of whether they are genetically related to you or not, regardless of whether you carry them for 9 months or adpot/foster/surrogacy. Raising and caring for your child makes you a mother, not how they came to be. If you feel that this isn't the end of your journey just yet, then it isn't the end! If you feel that you have the energy to try again, I would highly recommended taking the easiest option for your body and mind. I firmly believe that taking the less stressful option is why it worked for me. After a decade of heartache and hormonal turmoil, I listened to my body (and my consultant!) and the result is doing somersaults in my belly. Only you can make the decision to continue, or not, and only you will know which is the right decision to make. I wish you all the strength in the world if you decide to try again. I hope you do!!! X


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## Efi78

Such beautiful posts from LateBloom and kkgirl. Thank you for that. xxx


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## Phatty

kkgirl - I resonate so much with your post. It's been 13 years and I can now honestly say I feel at peace with our decision to stop trying for a child. I kid myself for a few years that I was over it. Looking back, I think I needed that time to grieve. Anyway just wanted to say thank you for sharing and may you all be blessed with health, happiness and everything you want from life that's good for you


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