# mother in law



## amyclare (Mar 24, 2008)

hello i havnt posted very often on this site but could really do with some support.
We have just had our first eva BFP from our 1st icsi and have delightedly shared our news with family and very close friemds all of whom have been absolutely wonderful.  My dp 's mother can be quite difficult and is a bit manic sometimes, when we 1st started our fertility journey she had some strong views and concerns about donor sperm and how you dont know what your getting etc...we tried to explain everything to her about the screening processess and talked to her about the clinic etc but her response was very negative so we havnt mentioned any of our treatment to her.
Now over a year later and she's neva asked us about it or what we'd decided to do and we've got a BFP.
So my dp phoned her last night afer stressing that if we didnt tell her (we wanted to wait until after 1st scan) then she'd find out from someone else and be upset.
So dp rang her and apparently she was awful, taking about mental health problems(as we cant be sure of donor history!) and than questioning if we should have a child, basicallyu she doesnt agree with us being pregnant - not sure if this is about using IVF or if its about me and dp having a child without a father as my poor dp ended the conversation and hung up.  She has always been lovely to me and appart from this we have always got on really well...i feel so angry about her response she has given me and dp no consideration b4 opening her mouth and voicing her outdated opinions, and dp has gone al quite she said she knew what the reaction wud be but shes glad that she's told her...and doesnt want to discuss it further...it must hurt her so much, id be mortified if my mums response had been negative.
DP says that next her mum will either ring and apologise, or ignore us or fone brother in law and vent at him.
Not sure if theres actually any answer to this and i am trying not to get mad or stressed but she has really upset me and even more so becus she's upset dp...i want to fone her and tell her how hurtfull she has been but dp wud go nuts at me, we are ment to be going to see her in august and im not sure how itl be.
this is ment to be a really special time and she has just slammed us down without even thinking - ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

sorry for the rant but am so cross and upset


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## lou1736 (Mar 23, 2005)

Hi amyclare....

Well firstly..... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!     

That is absolutely brilliant news!!! I'm really sorry about your DP's mother's reaction. It is horrible when that happens. It's such a happy exciting time and you want everyone to be happy and supportive with you eh? I don't really have any professional advice for you but I have a similar prob with my DP's mother being uninterested!! She's not negative...just not interested! So I understand a bit of how you feel. I think you just gotta try and not think about it and surround yourself with people who are supportive and happy for you? I know it's hard but I've come to the conclusion that you can't please everyone!! In a lot of cases I've found that as time goes on and they get used to the idea, they comes to terms with it more and realise it's actually a reality and can change their opinions. Maybe if your DP could speak to her calmly and explain how her reaction has made you both feel...? This should be a really special time for you both and it's a shame she can't share in that with you.... however don't let it ruin the time for you and make sure you enjoy it together. She may be worried about things and just expresses herself badly? I don't know but either way if it were me and I felt strongly enough I would tell her how we both love her and want her to be happy for us, and that there is nothing for her to worry about and in time hopefully she can support us and be a part of something beautiful? Many people are negative because they are scared of what they don't know or understand so in this case explaining the medical processes could help her understand and feel more involved? 
I don't know but I do hope you can work something out and I hope you can enjoy your wonderful news!

Take Care
Lou xxx


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## amyclare (Mar 24, 2008)

thankyou lou
i had a good chat with dp last night and also bro in law was really supportive to us, dp had a good chat with her dad ( divorced from mum), and he was very sensible with his advice, very similar to yours!!!
I am going to concentrate on enjoying this time and sharing it with people who have a positive influence, dont want poor baby all stressed out b4 the 1st scan do i!!!!
amyclare x


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## Alison0702 (Apr 7, 2006)

Hi Amyclare

Massive congratulations to you on your BFP. WOW!

        

I cant even imagine what it must have been like to se excited one minute, then feel so down the next after the reaction from dp's mother. It is very selfish of people to make others feel like that. You've already explained the donor process so maybe she just doesnt understand. If it was me, I would have to have to have a chat with her, cos as time goes by it will get worse and worse to approach the subject and it's going to take the shine of this magical time for both of you. 

I really get annoyed when people know how excited you are and think they have the right to judge or make comments when they really dont know what they're talking about! 

You enjoy this time, being pregnant is FABULOUS and the end result even better.

Hope you have a smooth pregnancy and manage to sort things out.

Alison


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## magsandemma (Oct 18, 2006)

Hi Amyclare

Firstly massive congrats on your BFP, how exciting, just enjoy this time and try not to let the situation get to you, as everyone else says as the pregnancy goes on I think she will come around, some people just dont understand the whole process and think this can confuse and scare them, as they say the unknown is very scarey.  I had a very similar situation with my step-mum and as I knew what her reaction was going to be to us having a baby I didnt tell her at the start, infact I told my mum and then my dad (divorced) and basically said to my dad that it was up to him how and when he told her as I really didnt want to due to the reaction and didnt need the added stress to be honest, it took her a further 10wks from my dad telling her to her ringing me, and the whole conversation was, how did we do it, we didnt know the donor, what about mental health of the donor, what about the baby not having a father, the questions just went on, and I was upset by it, however I tried to explain the proceedure as best I could, tokld her about the conselling as we egg shared, explained that there where many one parent families out there and unhappy married families, and that as long as the baby had 2 loving parents then I didnt see what the problem was, and in this day and age having 2 loving parents is a bonus no matter what the sex!!  As the pregnancy went on, she seemed to come around to the idea and altho its not her belief and doesnt agree with it, we seem to get on alot better now, and since Lou has been born our relationship has been the best its been in years!!!  SO am hoping the same will happen with you girls, I think it is just an initial shock for them as its not the 'norm' to them but she will come around and when she starts to see the scan pics etc of her grandchild I am sure things will change!

Good Luck to you girls and wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!!!

Maggie
xx


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