# Emotionally draining INLAWS!



## Ruthie82

Hello I wonder if anyone can help, perhaps have had a similar situation or know of any strategies of dealing with certain types of people!!

My bil and his gf got pregnant straight away after being told 'you should try straight away you may have problems'. DH and I said before they even got pregnant we hope you don't have our trouble (4years of trying, IVF etc) when you get pregnant we may like space. They said yes that is fine. Bil told us the news and we said congratulations, glad it worked straight away, said about space again. Since then we have had texts and phone calls. One asking my dh to ring the gf to congratulate her as she is upset you haven't! Amongst other things. Lack of understanding and ignorance to say the least since the news. Not helped by mil saying her two pence worth!!!

We met up recently and was met with no desire for them to respect our wishes. It resulted in the gf saying 'if you can't be apart of it now you can't just decide to be when the baby is here'!!!I had to leave at this point it was the last straw for me. My dh stayed and the three of them continued to chat while I started to walk home! (after waiting ten minutes to allow dh time to come and see if I was ok)!

Mil assumes it is jealousy, obviously we are envious but I don't feel jealous esp after their recent behaviour. She (and bil and gf) can't see that we are grieving and in pain of the last four years and all we wanted was time. Instead they have been suffocation and relentless. The agony of us not conceiving has been made worsened by the lack of space and understanding by those who should at least provide it for my husband if not us both. I love babies, I would have enjoyed time with the baby on arrival but why we couldn't have time now before the birth I will never understand. Our counsellor thinks that bil wants dh exceptance, perhaps this is true. 

It comes back to what we often write of FF People can be supportive when going through treatment but when treatment ends or your in between it is assumed everything is alright! 

RANT over, I have sucked out the last of any energy I have on this to be honest.


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## Moonshadow_73

Hi Ruthie

Sadly I think the only ones who can ever fully grasp how painful it can be are those who have trod the same road as us. I know I wouldn't have understood the depth of pain and grief IF causes, and how every day we face constant reminders of what we don't have. For the most part, our friends and family have been respectful of our need for space and have understood that hearing other people's 'happy news' can stir up a lot of mixed emotions.

I've tried to think what I would do in your shoes, I know I would find the situation really upsetting as you clearly do. Whilst I understand that they are caught up in their excitement and want to share it, it's pretty certain that they will have other people in their lives who can share their excitement without causing themselves a huge amount of pain. 

I've been fortunate in that some of my closest friends who have children do seem to be sensitive to how I feel. Having them acknowledge how difficult it can be has made it easier in the long run to hear about their children and to spend some time with them. I will be forever grateful for the compassion they have shown and it has made it easier to cope with those that are less sensitive. Had any of them reacted in the way your bil and his gf have I probably would have done exactly as you have and tried to explain, it must compound the hurt that they don't seem to be listening.

Would it be worth writing them a letter? At least that way you can again reiterate that you are happy for them; something that clearly seems to be a need for them and that again they are not hearing. It would allow you to explain again what it is that you need and to make it clear that this isn't you trying to exclude yourselves from their lives, but that anyone's pregnancy is a bittersweet reminder of what you don't have and desperately want. These may all be things you've already said but writing them down gives them a chance to hear them without reacting in the moment. You might also find it very cathartic to do. 

It's just a suggestion, I know it my less considered moments I have wanted to exclude people from my life who haven't understood that I don't want to hear every last details of their pregnancy/motherhood but it's not so easy when it's family.

Good luck with this one, I think it shows great courage that you are trying to find a way to resolve this.

Jen


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## Daydreamer88

Hi Ruthie,

Big   to you

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am going through something very similar, but with my own family rather than in-laws. Brother and his GF are having a baby - was announced to us a couple of days after our first cycle was cancelled. We said our congratulations haven't spoken to them since, it was terrible timing for us to be told (my mum pushed for them to tell us then ) and we don't really have a relationship anyway, at the time he didn't know our situation but has since been told, he has not been in touch either - so luckily had no pressure from them but I have had lots of pressure from my mum to make an effort with them and be happy for them and she thinks now is the time we should build a relationship but I should be the one to make the effort to do it. She has said lots and lots of things regarding it that have hurt me badly and she thinks I should be all happy and enjoy their pregnancy - even though right now I am heartbroken. To me I will be OK (I think?  ) when the baby arrives, like you said, but I just cannot bare to see her pregnant. If this makes me awful then so be it, I need to look after myself now. You need to do the same  

I think if you have tried to have a discussion with them about this and you have always been open and honest then there is not much you can do. They have to sit and think if the tables were turned and it was them going through this they would want you to be respectful so they should be able to offer the same. Although I know it is such a hard thing to understand how hard all this is unless you have been there. There are some good website that have information leaflets for family & friends. I have wanted to send these to some members of my family so they can see things from my point of view, see this is real. I have never had the guts to do it, I have taken the bury head in the sand approach which is not helpful. But if you have already gone this far with them I would suggest it, particularly ones on the resolve website. If you BIL wants your DH acceptance then surely you saying your congratulations and explaining your situation and that you will pick up again when the baby is born is that, maybe needs a little more but I am not sure how you would go about that?

I agree completely that the lack of understanding and support makes this all so much more difficult, I know it has pushed me into a much darker place than I would be if I had their support. The only positive is that on here there are so many people going through the same and can offer advice or at least make you feel less alone in all this.

Hope you manage to resolve things one way or another. I personally think you deserve a lot of respect from your in-laws as you have been very open and honest about everything from the start

Lots of love
xxx


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## Ruthie82

Ladies thank you so much for your reply.

I was welling up reading it because I was starting to think maybe it was me before your replies and your replies reminded me it ISN'T!!! (Why we feel like that when we know its not true I don't know).

Moving Siren, thank you for your response, I have since taken a step back and told DH I don't want to hear anything negative that the family say. We are trying things to help us conceive if I am stressed or upset its not going to help. 

Moonshadow - Like you I have been fortunate in that I have had supportive friends when they have become pregnant. Its just a shame the people who aren't being supportive are family as I can't distances myself as much as I would with friends. I am going to think about the letter idea, I have done this before and not sent it (this was with the mil) and it made me feel better, thank you

Daydreamer - So sorry you also have this similar situation. It seems unfair when we are going through infertility anyway that this situation arises too. Yes your right we need to look after outselves, I keep trying that, then forget about it and looking after those other people again!! You nailed it when you said "If this makes me awful then so be it." I am going to remember that at times when I need to know its OK me wanting time away from the situation. I have been looking at articles to send them, hadn't thought about leaflets I am going to look that up, thank you. When is the baby due?

I have since sent a text to mil, bil and his gf, as I feel I am not heard by them and cannot finish what I want to say. I kept it neutral for all but basically saying we need to move on from this, respect one and other and that we shouldn't be forcing people to be something they are not or do something they are uncomfortable with. I had a thank you reply from mil nothing from the other two which says it all really. 

Ladies you have truly helped a fellow FF more than you can realise, thank you Wish you positivity in your journey's and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Ruth x


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## aubergine07




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## wanttoflyaway

I know this post dates back a bit but I have just read it ..... its so hard to try to explain this to others who have no understanding of how bad this is. I seem to just be viewed as a women who can't get her own way, like a child stamping its feet and that is sooo far removed from the truth. I don't know about any of you but even though I want my husbands children so badly (more than anything, I would give up winning the lottery for it) if I could turn this pain/need/want off on a switch I would in a split second. No one seems to understand, no one can relate to it, I kind of admire the ones that do try!!!  I feel I live a false life as, I love my husband more than anything but feel like we live a false life and will never be complete. hope your situation has got a little better , thinking of you  xx


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## jblox78

Hi Ruthie,

I have been through a similar situation with my younger sister - she announced during a phone call that she was 7 weeks pregnant just 2 months after we had had our first BFN with IVF.  We have always had a bit of a strained relationship with lots of sibling rivalry and she had seemed to be making a real effort when we were going through our cycle so to be told that she had come off the pill to try for her second baby whilst we were going through all that and that she conceived in the first month was a bit too much for me to bear.  I wish that she had told me it was a surprise as I really don't think I needed to know all that - the timing was just unbelievably terrible.  

I had lots of discussions with my mum and thought she understood how I felt but it became apparent that she didn't when she and my dad were over for dinner one night whilst DH was at work and they ambushed me telling me I was bitter and twisted and that I should be happy for my sister etc. etc. - my mum was more worried about the effect it would have on her as we have quite a close family - I have still not forgiven them for that but for the sake of "the family" have let it slide.

We have since had a second BFN (we didn't tell anyone we were going through the cycle at the time) and our niece is now nearly 4 months old.  I have to say I found the pregnancy most difficult and tried to avoid my sister during that time.  We never spoke about it after her announcement (which may or may not be healthy!).  We arranged to go and visit our niece once she was home from the hospital with no one else there and I found that much better as it took a lot of pressure off.  Also, since that first visit I have found the whole situation much easier and really enjoy spending time with my niece and her big brother.

Hope this helps give you some light at the end of the tunnel - definitely the pregnancy was hardest and we do back off from time to time (for example we're having a family birthday party for my nephew but are not going to go to his actual party with all the mums and kids and babies) but all in all since the baby has arrived it has been a lot easier...  I just try not to dwell on the things that were said and the way that it was handled when it first came out as people really, really don't understand unless they have been through IF themselves...

Hugs,

Jen xxx


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## Ruthie82

Thank you ladies for your words of support.

Wanttoflyaway - I totally agree and understand when you said if you can stop/take away the want/need/desire for a baby you would, I agree totally but unfortunately we can't. We're strong women and perhaps thats why we've been chosen (doesn't always help but occasionally gives me comfort!) 

jblox - sorry you had the ordeal with your sister and your mum and dad. I am glad you have a relationship with your niece and nephew.

I have since sent a lovely text to let sil no I was clearing the air even though I felt her ultimatum was a bit too far (as you say I let it slide) and she sent a cruel one back. I now see she meant her ultimatum and she has said she doesn't want us to have anything to do with the UNBORN child!!! I feel very sad for hubby and even more so for his brother having to deal with a controlling, manipulative cow. I sense she will improve when she's had the baby and in the mean time hubby's family think we are jealous and have the problem when we are fine, we only ever asked for space (which we didn't get!!). Our counsellor has suggested hubby talk to brother, mother and father so they know where we are and they can hear (if they choose to listen) that we are good and we aren't causing the problems!

We had a phone call to ask if we minded not being invited to their BBQ!! 

Having said all that NOW to be honest I am past it. I am in a good place, better than and long time and I wont let twisted, screwed up people ruin that. 

Thanks again for sharing your stories with me, I know I am not alone but hearing it sometimes helps


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## acewillows

Hi! I feel such sympathy for you. It really is a terrible situation in which to find yourself. Like you say, they assume jealousy before they can see your pain and grief. I also guess, though, that they want you to be a part of their joy, even though they can't really understand why this would be hurtful for you. 

Maybe, they even think that their conceiving might be good for you - taking your mind off your own troubles and giving you a niece/nephew to adore. Again, there is no way they can really understand your situation. And, like you say, family sometimes assume the completely wrong things. 

It's unfortunate that SIL is giving such an ultimatum, even when you're clearly trying to clear the air. I'm hoping with some time, there will also be understanding. She obviously feels this is her moment and maybe feels cheated for not getting your full attention, which is a little childish. Pregnancy is stressful though, so maybe once the baby comes, things will also resolve themselves.


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## Ruthie82

Hello Acewilliows,

Thank you for your lovely reply. I totally agree with what you have said. 

Unfortunately things have not improved yet. FIL and MIL have now involved themselves because bil has involved them. It has become a vendetta against me and wanting me left out and at times it seems they want to leave their own son out of the family. 

I have been called many names (although never directly always to my husband) this included an hour and a half rant about all of my 'bad' traits, my mother over heard the conversation as it was loud in the next room and she was appalled at the lies coming down the phone. 

There seems to be no recall of the horrible things  said and done by other family members, it seems all is our fault and things happened because of us, which we know is not true.

I have started to realise it could be partly because people feed of other peoples pain and I do think this is what is happening. Also they are use to getting their own way and people giving in to them and conforming to their ways. I have recently found out that they have done this before but not to the same degree which I found upsetting for my wonderful husband. 

Thank you again for your kind words.


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