# When and how to start talking about adoption with your little one



## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

Hey everyone,  my little lady has only been home 8 weeks and is only 10months old but how and when do u start talking about adoption?
She's incredibly happy, sociable and seems to be well attached and im loving being her mummy... I just thought I'd put it out there to see how u wonderful group of wise ladies have gone about it xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

There's no harm snuggling and saying 'I'm so happy mummy and daddy adopted you, you're my special girl', or something along those lines. There are books and while not ready for them you could just have them about. I suppose it's never too early. When we received life story book little pink was around 15 months and we looked through the pictures and I labelled BM and BF, she was of course not interested as it was meaningless at that time. But it got her used to hearing the language. She's nearly 3 and I'd say I've upped things in the last 6 months. She now knows the language, that she grew in X's tummy and she lived with L and A when she was a tiny baby. She goes on to say 'then mummy and daddy adopted you, I very special!' It's rote learnt and she doesn't really understand but by the time she does understand it will all be the norm. We've had books a while now and she's just stated to loosely relate them to herself. It helps that we still see FCs regularly so we can revisit things and it cements it a bit more for her. Next door neighbour is also pregnant so I tell her 'R has a baby in her tummy, and you grew in X's' tummy. My friend then adds with her son 'but you grew in my heart', which I think is lovely. We've just done letterbox so I told her we were drawing some pictures and got her life story book out to look at photos again to make it meaningful. So never too young to start saying the A-word but from my experiences it's really been about 2 and a half that she's taken anything onboard xxx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi
I hope that you don't mind me gatecrashing as I am not an adopter - my lo was as a result of sperm donor.
How did you feel telling this to your lo? Does it hurt that you cannot 'just' say you are Mummy and Daddy - end of - rather than having to mention BM and BD?
Reason I ask is that I feel this way about the ds element and wondring how adopters feel to get some perspective. I probably should add that I am not looking for why I SHOULD tell, more the emotional side for me, if that doesnt sound too selfish?


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It doesn't sound selfish, I know other adopters who feel that way and wish they didn't have to have these types of conversations. Maybe I'm the minority here but I'm glad we have to have these conversations as I feel it makes her super special and I like relaying the journey we went on to find her, to me it was all meant to be. I also realise that without birth parents she wouldn't be her so I can't wish they weren't around as they made my girl. I'm quite open about our adoption journey though, I know there's stigma around adoption but we have had brilliant responses and I'm really proud of the family we've achieved. Things may change with age and circumstances but for now I relish the story and am chuffed my daughter is starting to understand more xxx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - i'm with Lolly on this one. My AD and AS are just as much my children as my BS - they just came to join our family in a different way. I talk about it from day 1 in simple termsso it just is a fact of life rather than anything to be ashamed of or worried about.

I try to dwell on their cultural and ethic backgrounds rather than too much of why they are not with birth parents right now - that will come as they get older - for now I think it's sufficient to say they couldn't look after them so we were lucky enough to have them become part of our family.


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## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

Thanku soooo much ladies for replying really appreciate it xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks Lolly. I've been thinking about this too. LO us 21 months so won't be long until she starts to understand more. I think I am going to find it hard starting it off ( talking about BM and BF etc ) but once it becomes the norm it will be fine. Do you address BM and BF as birth parents or use their first names? X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

I always called them birth mother and birth father but we are mummy and daddy.


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## dimplesforever (Aug 1, 2014)

My little one is 2.3 and we have a shelf with some of his teddies in the bedroom; from BP, FC and me.  At the moment I just chat to him about who the teddies are from and don't think he understands anything especially as he is developmentally delayed but obviously one day he will.  I'm still waiting for life story.  i also like the Todd Parr books and so does my little boy.  I refer to them as birth mother first name, birth father first name.  I'm thinking in time (once he knows who they are) I would just refer to them by first names.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I do the same, I say X, your birth mother and your birth father X.... I am actually struggling a little at the moment as I tell her 'you grew in X's tummy, she is your birth mother', but when it comes to birth father I struggle to give him a role... Because let's be honest he didn't have one, he just had sex!!! I also just say for now that X didn't know how to look after babies so you went to live with L and A (foster carers) and they kept you safe until mummy and daddy adopted you. It's so much easier if you have life story book to stay a conversation as you just get it out and chat around the pictures. And LO won't be interested, they will just want to look at pics of then snuggled with mummy and daddy, which is fab!!


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## ultrafirebug (Oct 22, 2010)

Hi Ozzy, my DS is 8 and SW told us to just be honest with him as he's old enough to understand.  We were struggling with what to call ourselves as fostering to adopt but have decided on mummy and daddy as we will be foster mummy/daddy and then hopefully go on to become adoptive mummy/daddy.  DS will be calling them brother or sister.  When adoptive child is older we will use the terms birth and forever if and when needed x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I think this is great.

One thing I am planning to do if have a toy made, a giraffe, but you can do any.  You see lots made out a child's baby grows etc.  I am doing this but with something of my dads as he would of so loved lo, possibly something his FC brought him, something we have and not sure if bp brought him something (need to go through box)

But on it, I am going to have embroidered on the feet, 

Dob
Met
Home
Forever dates

I am hoping it will then be his favoured sleep toy and because it is made with all the fabrics and has info on, it will always aid talking with lo.

No just need an adoption order to put plan into action lol

Just thought I would share xx


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

Picking up on this, can I ask those who have got lifestory books for their little ones, what are the books like? We have a ringbinder with plastic wallets to insert pages with photos text and stickers etc, but I always thought if we could do something different. Also, do you still add pages a  they get older to capture things such as starting nursery, or is it more static? Just really looking for ideas.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I have to say ours is pretty rubbish! It's a folder with scrapbook style pages with the info and photos on the pages (1 of them not a photo of lo but of one if his siblings we believe, but that's a whole other issue!). The LA were so proud of it and I just looked at it and thought this is supposed to be one of the most important, treasured and special items lo will ever have and this is it? 
Anyway we have it and we are using the info to put into our own book that we bought from five peas in a pod. They're such lovely books, like a baby book but that has spaces for adoption background and info to be filled in. It just feels like it's something special.
http://www.fivepeasinapod.co.uk


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm with Lolly, too. *high five, Lolly* Adoption is the miracle that brought us our perfect Bug, I can't imagine feeling anything other than gratitude and joy that he's our boy through adoption.

We used our family book (the old Tomy talking one, with the batteries out) at bedtime for a long time, making up a "once upon a time there was a mummy and daddy who were sad they couldn't have a little boy of their own..." type story about how we found out about him, and came and claimed him from FC. Later, I added some stuff about [name] who was the lady whose tummy you grew in, but she couldn't keep you safe. I personally dislike the term birth mother, but that's just my foible. We stick to first names.

Our life story book is the ring binder type, I think it's a bit disorganised and bitty, although nicely done, and far too old for him at the moment. I'm working on a Mr Men style younger version, starring Bug as Mr Cheeky. ;-)

I've since realised that what I dislike about SW produced life story materials is that they give a lot of birth family back story, but never put the child in the context of the adoptive family backstory, too. I'd like to weave the two.


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## dimplesforever (Aug 1, 2014)

I do not have the life story yet but when I met the SW who is working on it she said she would send a hard copy and an electronic copy so that I can amend it and add to it easily.  That said the meeting was about two months ago and she said that she would send it the following week...

My sister has donor conceived twins and we have spoken to them about Donor Father (even more of an odd term!) since they were newborns and I think it has helped rehearsing what to say before they understand if you have younger ones.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

High five straight back at ya AoC!!   We have a nice book from hobbycraft. I was able to buy more pages in store and add family photos to it and things such as first day at home, birthday pics and a photo of buying her first pair of shoes. We meant to add more but with a 1 and a 2 year old time is tight....   My parents made a photo book of the celebration day and gave it as a gift which is a lovely follow on. I never liked the term tummy mummy as I'm mummy and no one is being associated with my role. But that's my opinion and others like it as their children find it easier to understand. It's all about what feels right for your child and you as a family. I am also able to tell little pink her story warmly as she was never harmed and is developing well to date. I'm sure I would feel differently if circumstances different. Also during the appeal process I had to put everything away as rightly or wrongly I was furious with BM and couldn't face anything to do with it. In rage I also threw away a toy BM had provided a couple of weeks before. My OH thought I may regret it so got it out but discovered mould on it... Quite telling at that time of exactly why our daughter should stay with us... And of course she did


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

We have a lovely life story book in a A4 hardback thick book. Each pAge has been carefully done and backed with colourful paper. It starts with us, LO family and friends, then goes back to when LO born, a bit explaining what adoption is and BP details with photos , then it goes back to us again. It finishes with a lovely pic of the SW who did the book  It is done well. The SW used half the pages in the book and has left last half for us. I've added first birthday, and then all the firsts with us for this tr like first Easter, celebrations day, first party, first holidays....the last page is my first little friends and has pics of her with 4 different friends she's been lucky to make. I am looking forward to using it 😊

I too do not like using term birth mummy. I am going to say ' the lady who had you in her tummy' and then use their first names as in the book. X


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

That sounds lovely Lorella, great idea she's left gaps as really her life story has only just begun so it makes sense to leave to space to add special memories   For siblings my lovely friend suggested I didn't use anything associated with brother as she already has her brother, so it would be very confusing. So when looking at the book I say these are the boys who also grew in X's tummy. It works for now xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Our LO's life story book was done by a student and is utterly awful. Lots of things are wrong with it, including dates, grammar, spellings, info missing etc.
He is now almost 4 and we've always made it clear that he was adopted, feeding little bits of information over time.

We've always made him aware he was adopted and just answered any questions as best we can, in an age appropriate way. We read/sang the book 'Happy Adoption Day' when he was younger (12mths+) and explained that he grew in XXX's tummy and that she loved him very much but couldn't keep him safe (this is a standard phrase as covers most causes) so YYY looked after him until he came home to Mummy and Daddy forever!!
As he got older and started to question more, we explained that Mummy's tummy was broken. We prayed for a special boy and God asked us to wait because He picked LO to be our special boy and when we first read about him, Mummy's heart felt like it would burst with happiness because she knew that LO was the special boy God had promised. He's asked further questions about XXX. There's a lot of reasons why he had to be adopted but one of those was drugs. We told him she wasn't well because she kept taking the wrong medicine (which he knows is really, really bad and can make you very poorly or die).

Our situation was complicated further when I had a surprise baby. We have no logical reason as to how I because pregnant after so many years as all the medical problems I have still exist, so we told him that loving him so much fixed my tummy. He then said to a friend about a month later, 'I fixed mummy's tummy!'


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah arrows I must be super emotional at the mo because that just brought a proper tear to my eye!


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

Just catching up with your posts and what lovely ideas for the books and how to talk about adoption.
I must admit we just throw it in when appropriate I.e "I'm so glad we found you and that we adopted you". His answer is often "I love you mummy and I'm glad I adopted you too" So cute. "You are the best boy in the world and I'm so happy that we we are a forever family through adoption". And then it's answering questions when he raises them and occasionally liking at his book. He knows mummy tummy is broken and that he did not grow in it. He wishes he had and so do I he is so amazing but I'm just so so in awe with him, I want to scoop him up and have him that close to me. 

So far it's been more child led but I have stepped this up over the last few weeks. He likes to read his book but loses interest and wants to move o to other favourite books,so we go with that, as we don't want to push it too much. Hmm maybe we need to step it up a bit not and see how he is with that.

We also use first names and avoid birth mum or tummy mummy.

Thanks again for sharing I got some new ideas from your posts.

Kxx


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