# Choosing a Donor - HELP!



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

OK, so I just got a list of 3 potential donors from LWC for my upcoming IUI and I'm not sure how to make a decision. When it was all just a distant idea I wasn't too worried about this part of the process and I filled in my request form very quickly without thinking about it too much at all. 

But now it's actually a reality I find myself a) wondering how it's possible to make a decision at all with such little information and b) getting hung up on the silliest things

For those of you who have been through this, assuming you did have a choice, how did you go about making that choice? 

On the one hand I feel like it's such a huge decision and one that I have to get right, but on the other hand, I wonder to what extent it will make a big difference anyway. I mean just because one of them left school at 16 and is very musical doesn't mean the child will end up more musical than academic anyway....

I'm going to go away and spend some time thinking about this tonight, but in the meantime would appreciate your thoughts on this decision making process. I guess I'm struggling a bit now with just how strange it is to pick half the genetic make up of a future child from nothing more than a few basic pieces of information

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, 
Laura
x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Sorry not much help Laura as I had no choice.

Do they all have different eye /hair colour or any other physical characteristics so you could match to yourself ?

Must be a very strange decision to have to make - good luck
Roo x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Laura, do they give you choice on just physical characteristics or is there info on their personality or education? This is the stage when things start to feel very very real!   I think my clinic won't give me a choice beacause they are small and buy in from other donor banks, good luck katiexx


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## aweeze (Nov 8, 2005)

Hi Laura - lucky you having a choice!!!!

When I started out on my journey, there wasn't the lack of donors that there is now and I was also given quite a wide choice. At that time, I had a wish list - brown hair, brown or green eyes, tall (6'0 plus), slim to med build - basically the things that would make my child similar looking to me in hair and eye colour and balancing out the gene pool on the height/build front! Most of the options didn't say anything more that eye colour, skin tone, hair colour, height and build. In the end I went for the one that nearest matched my shopping list and also the one I had the strongest gut feeling about. 

By the time I got to my 3rd donor, there was no choice due to the shortage! However the clinic was still more or less able to match my criteria. When it came to the 5th donor, I had an offer of one but I was prepared to accept pretty much what was available as all I wanted was to be a mum. Ellis's donor daddy had blonde hair, blue eyes, was 5'11" and slim so he only matched one of my original criteria. At the end of the day, my little boy is the most precious and beautiful baby in the world and it really doesn't matter anymore whether the donor matched what I wanted or not. His kind donation allowed me to realise my dream .

Not sure that any of that helps - I just thought I would share my experience with you. I think you will probably get a gut feeling of which one to go with. At the end of the day, you know so little about them and therefore your choice can only be made with limited information. I know it may sound flippant when there is a future child involved (hopefully) but try not to over-think it. To have donated sperm, the donors are probably of a generous and kindly disposition and that would be a wonderful trait to pass on to a child. 

Lou
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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Lou - what a lovely reply - your comment about your loved and beautiful baby boy bought a lump to my throat - I have my initial consultation tommorrow at my clinic, so my journey to (hopefully) becoming a mummy is just beginning. I am feeling a little emotional about it all - your little boy is gorgeous!  

Katiexxx


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello Laura

If it helps at all, once the choice is made the donor really seems to fade into insignificance (that was definitely my experience and I have read messages from lots of others (on here and on US forum Single Mothers by Choice) saying the same kind of thing).

I was given a choice of 3 donors with very basic physical information.  For me it was a very clear choice (one was CMV -ve so unlikely I would be able to use him and the other there was a possible issue about whether he was willing to donate to a single woman). 

Once I made a my choice I was given some personal information - more than I expected actually (the 'sperm lady' as I like to call her read me a statement that the donor wrote about himself and a message that he wrote for any resulting children) - there was nothing in this statement that made me feel at all uncomfortable (in fact it was lovely really) and just one small detail (his age) that gave me any concern (but, as the wise sperm lady said - there is always something).

The US women have tons of choice and information about potential donor and it seems to drive some of them insane.  Some of them treat choosing a donor like choosing a life partner, some download loads of donor profiles from their sperm bank's website then have sperm choosing parties with all their friends, one woman found a donor who was perfect in every way but she rejected him because he said his favourite animal was a monkey and she thought that was weird! - So maybe it is good that we have less choice!

Hope this is helpful!

Some1

xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thank you so much girls, this is really helpful.

Lou - like Katie, I got a bit of a tear in my eye reading your reply (bit over emotional about everything at the moment  ) 
But it really helped me realise I just need to keep my eye on the end goal of achieving my dream.

Some1 - all three of the potential donors have written personal statements but I am only allowed to see this statement if I am successful in having a child with that particular donor's sperm. But it's good to know I would have this for my child in the future. 

I can't believe they have sperm choosing parties in the US - that's a little too weird for me.

Of the 3, there was one who felt most appropriate - not sure why really, but just something about him even from the limited info they provide - and I got the sense the women at the sperm bank knew him personally and liked him which also felt like a good sign. So I think I will go with him for this first time and take Lou's very valuable advice not to over think this....

Thanks again girls - it's just so great to have people like you to turn to - your words have been really helpful,
Laura
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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hi Lauris 

I don't envy you your decision, even though it's a boat I will find myself in very shortly. 
As a single person about to embark on the TTC with donor sperm journey I have to admit (as I posted recently) I am having huge problems in coming to terms with the idea of an anonymous donor. 
As shallow as it makes me sound I have far greater issues with not knowing what they look like than with matters to do with education, intelligence or talent etc. 
But, then again, I know that physical characteristics are most definitely inherited whereas I am not convinced that intelligence or things such as musical talent, a gift for languages etc is. 
I guess what I am trying to say is that, in your shoes, I wouldn't put too much weight on educational achievement, career success etc as I firmly believe this is down to nurture and lifestyle influence. 
Perhaps, in a way, having to choose between 3 is easier than having 33 to choose from (we should be so lucky!)


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Violet, funnily enough, I was more worried about the education and occupation side of things. I'm going to come across as an awful intellectual snob now, but none of my 3 choices has a university education or a profession/career - all have basic school qualifications and casual jobs. But I guess you're right, the academic/career side of things is often down more to nurture than nature anyway. And it's not as if I'm choosing a partner for life, just a donor...

I have made my choice based primarily on hair and eye colour. My family are all fair/red headed so I would like the child to fit in with that as much as possible. My niece and nephew are both very fair with blue eyes (my sister is blonde/blue eyed, her hubby has dark hair/blue eyes). Me, me other sister and my mum (and various aunts, cousins, grandparents etc) are red headed - and red is a pretty strong gene anyway so I imagine it may well come out regardless of the donor. So I have gone with the one of the three who is blonde haired and blue eyed in the hope that this would create a good 'fit' with the look of my wider family.

What makes it even more strange is that every time you go for IUI (not quite optimistic enough to believe I won't need to go more than once  ) you have a different choice.....

What a strange road we find ourselves travelling! Still, it will all be worth it in the end....
Laura
x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hey Laura,

Glad you've made your decision .... one step closer!  xxx


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Laura - glad you've made the decision - quite surreal isnt it!? thats one more step towards your dream, glad you are finally on the road to becoming a mum!    Keep us updated, katiexx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

My friends also had these dilemas one was importing from the USA (before the law changed) and their dinning room turned into a filling room of CV's that she had bought on them adn it became a huge research project - she knew the grandparents exam results, photos of them etc but never got pregnant to any of the sperm.

My other friend at LWC only knew dark hair and eyes, athletic  and tall build and a cabbie and she has a gorgeous son (blond!! and she is dark brown haired as well) and said how immaterial it all is  in the end when the baby is here and is their own being. She got an extra piece of paper about him when the baby was born about likes/dislikes.  
L


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## marmite_lover (Sep 14, 2006)

Hi Laura - glad you've made your decision and hope that has put you a bit more at ease - I guess it must be a very surreal experience.
I think you are right to try not to overthink things - when it comes down to it he/she will be _your_ little bundle of fun and that is all that matters x


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