# Emotional Honesty!!!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
I don't know about you, but when i read through each of the topics on this board. I can see that we are all at different stages of this IF journey.
But that doesn't mean that we have a different amount of strength! It just means that we go through our journey differently, because we still have different lifestyles and slightly different issues on IF to deal with...Importantly we are here for the same reason and that is not being able to have our own child. We are all trying to deal with the big changes in our lives, that we never thought would ever happen to us...
I think its important to have Emotional Honesty!!! So that we can all reach out in our own ways and recieve the strength and support that can be gained from each other. 
I think each of us have been honest. Its a journey that is not black and white. Each christening, a family birthday, christmas party that we have to face comes with a dilemma. Its not until it happens that we do not know how its going to turn out??.

I am going to be emotionally honest

I was at college last night and a girl announced she was pregnant. I had no problem about her announcing this, but it was an awful feeling. I started to get a panic attack and had to leave the classroom..
What shocked me is, where did this all come from? usually i can deal with these things and then bang last night it kicked me in the face..
So there is my emotional honesty, i feel sad to day and i feel that i have taken 10 steps back as i never expected it. Also i felt a little humiliated at leaving the classroom...  and very hurt that i wasn't able to cope...
So thats my emotional honesty for today.....

love astridx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Astrid, 

We all of us face a dilemma. Best way I can describe it is through telling a story about a woman I know. 15 years or so ago she stopped at a garage to fill up her car, and her husband popped into the shop. While they were out of the car for that brief moment, their son choked to death in his booster seat. The marriage broke up, and she's married to someone else I know now. And she is, I'm sorry to say, renowned for being cold, hard, difficult, unapproachable, and is generally moaned about, even though she went through this thing. The way I see it, she closed up when this terrible thing happened to her and never opened up again, making herself, brittle and prickly. I imagine she uses up a lot of energy maintaining that wall of defense. 

One way to see what we girls are all doing here is to believe that we are trying to avoid becoming like this woman. We are trying to keep something of our 'innocence', that self we had before life threw us a bad deal. However, in trying to be positive, optomisitic, open and warmhearted people, we are inevitably exposed to moments that will, simply, floor us. My guess is that this is what happened to you last night, no more, no less. I would also guess that they happen to every one of us at some point on a regular basis, and that our reactions are probably no different to yours. I've certainly had to leave rooms because of announcements. I've also felt my heart pounding and the adrenalin racing, and a shakiness that I couldn't stop. Nothing in our biochemistry is particularly useful in dealing with our dilemma. This is a long way from running away from tigers and bears. 

But you know what? You still got up this morning and faced the world. In my book the fact that we all do that inspite of what we've been through makes us ASTONISHINGLY MARVELLOUS people. And even though you feel bad about last night, others there won't have noticed what happened half as much as you did. 

Coming here and being honest is the thing that saves us all from closing down. Good for you.........

You are an inspiration to me Astrid. 

Love, Leoarna xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Astrid, Leoarna has put things beautifully as always, and I can't better her words.

But I did want to say you should not be feeling bad because this unexpected news upset you!

I have had many moments like the one you have described and I have realised is the times I have felt the most winded is when I have been in environments or situations where I would have least expected any sort of birth announcement etc - places where I suppose looking back in retrospect I have felt 'safe' and 'protected' from anyone saying they were expecting, and having everyone else clucking their congrats around them and sharing anecdotes etc etc.

I'd like to share in the emotional honesty and say that for a long time I always wondered if I was going to have to be expected to 'put up and shut up' when people harped on about all things kiddy related that I was never going to be privvy to... I found it a very frustrating, isolating, heartwrenching place to be in - and sometimes I still do! Sometimes I want to scream that I am a human being and my feelings count too, but because I am in the 'minority' I have no space/place in the world of 'ordinary' fertile people to sound off without appearing to be bitter and twisted!

So big hugs to you, and please let me reassure you that its ok to feel this way, you were knocked off your guard and sadly sh*t like this happens when least expected... its not a crime, you should not feel bad at yourself for feeling this way - its perfectly understandable to me after all you have been through and what you are going through right at this very moment in time. Its so hard living through IF sometimes.

You've got us kiddo, we understand - and we will never think any worse of you or each other for having a FSM!

Big huge loves & hugs
Emcee x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Astrid do not feel bad because you left.

I suffered from panic attacks in 2002/3 when we were going thru our first round of tests etc. I had to leave the staffroom on 2 occasions and once i had to leave a cemetery where we were for blessing the graves.One of my best friends was standing opposite at her dads grave - 8 months pg. She got married 2 yrs after me and was pg straight away. it really devastated me when she phoned to tell me-i couldnt even go to her 30th bday the next week. What upset me most tho was that she only phoned once after the announcement-went on and on about how she needed a hol and had to go before she was too big!!! She didnt ask anything about me even tho we were dealing with my sdaughter changing schools(a big thing) and her mother leaving to live abroad!!! i havent seen her since(although my sister see her once a year).

At the cemetery that day she was obviously emotional(pg hormones and her dads grave).But i was at my brothers grave and dying inside because i saw her looking so pg!!! Mu mum wanted me to go over and talk to her after and noticed she was upset. All i could do was run(not literally) but i felt such panic and i had to go. My dh knew there was something up and followed with sdaughter. he said my face turned grey. I just had to get away.

I didnt go to cemetery sunday the next year but the year after i felt i was a little stronger and maybe i would talk to her if she was there. She wasnt-typical. then i found out she was pg again!!!!

I will never forget those days of panic. i was actually put on beta blockers for a year and they were great. Mind you thats what put weight on me which i havent been able to lose.

Last week was a big test for me as you know -going to fil's 80th where dh's niece and kids were.(i hadnt been able to go to their christenings) and also the 6oth ann where 6 mth pg other niece was. I cant believe i coped and even chatted to them. Mind you i feel very strange after it all this week,dont know if its due to cold that cant shift. But i feel resigned i think that it will never be me .My dh feels neglected as last week i had cold with af-this week still the cold.I feel pretty useless as a wife. He hasnt mentionned that he felt sad with the nieces either but when i saw him with the little toddler(a boy) it was bitter sweet. 

Astrid, you can only be strong some of the time. Just be yourself and we will be strong for toy when you cant be


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Astrid - Huge, huge hugs to you today   so hope you are feeling a bit better after such a difficult event yesterday, I am thinking of you.
Love
Hippy
x


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

I'm so sorry to read this .....

I hope you take in and believe in what these lovely ladies are saying to you, because it's all so true huni.  Sometimes, ( and I hope you don't mind me saying this) I feel you are very hard on yourself , and I sense somewhere you are feeling a "failure" because you have (perfectly normal and understandable) emotions.  You mentioned, "you felt very hurt that you weren't able to cope".......  whereas, I feel this IS your way of coping and we all have to find our own way.  There is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this and we just, all have to find our feet and that means finding our way through how best to "protect" ourselves from additional pain.  I feel, all you were doing was just protecting yourself and this IS your way of coping.  You are only human, and you shouldn't feel you've let yourself down by having emotions.  As Leoarna said, (and also something my Mum always says to me ..) YOU feel as if everyone else knows exactly what's going on in your head and it's like Everyone's "boring" in - but they're not - they're all too busy wrapped up in their own worlds and they probably didn't think it such a big deal, as you did.  They could have been thinking anything, or nothing .... who knows.  As Leoarna said, you got back up the next day and carried on and that shows true strength huni.

I hope all of the lovely words of understanding and compassion on here have helped a bit, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.  Ask yourself how many of the people in that class would have come through "saine" and with such strength of character and compassiion as you,  after having gone through everything you've had to deal with over the years ......... I would guess, not many.

You are a tough cookie - hard to break .......  And you should be PROUD of yourself for that doll.

(((((((( BIG HUGS ))))))
Gill xo


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Astrid,

You are such an incredible woman. There is no reason why you should beat yourself up for reacting as you did.

Infertility is so painful and it has a habit of leaping up and biting us in the b*ttom when we least expect it.

Not all of us can suppress our emotions all the time. You are going through a sensitive time, what with the recent discussions with your DH.

I think the emotional honesty comes in when we admit all our painful emotions as well as the pleasurable ones - anger, envy etc. All the horrible ones that feel awful. They may feel bad but they are real.

That's what works for me and I fully appreciate that others have different coping mechanisms. My apologies to anyone I may have offended.

You do not need permission from anyone to feel and react to painful emotions.

I really honestly do not know if anyone ever "recovers" from infertilty and the painful emotions. Maybe we just need to accept that sometimes we will feel them and HOPE that over time they will get better and less frequent.

Maybe the expectation that time will heals our wounds is simply wrong. This certainly does not feel like a linear journey to me. The rollercoaster of emotions still continues and maybe this is painful, but OK.

With love from,


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Astrid

For what it's worth, I think it was so brave of you to leave the room than stay, put on the 'mask' and do the usual 'that's nice' bull which we all do.  Give yourself a break - you are the one who really prompted me to post on the moving on thread as I can just tell how honest, genuine and caring you are.  Like Flipper said, this is not an easy journey, the pain is so deep set and you are doing just great and no one will think any the less of you for reacting how you did.  

Big hugs
Pipkin


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

OH MY!!!
I am so touched by everything that you have all said....and i think all of you are so right..I hope that we can take a leaf out from our own books. Sometimes we are good at giving advice, but very hard on ourselves at other times...
Thankyou for the input....i am amazed by your responses, you are all so lovely...
I suppose what i was also trying to do, is to ask all of you to maybe take the time and be emotionally honest for you as well...This is a place to come and feel safe to show those feelings. If you are having a bad time, or something just hit you out of the blue. Like that episode did for me the other day...
I suppose what i am trying to say is....don't always try and be brave, we can be open and honest and if you feel that you can post on here..Then its great that we can support and help each other along the road...
I suppose if i am honest about the other day...i felt vulnerable and strange enough it wasn't about the pregnancy and her announcing it. It was about everyone else being aware of it, and if i had known i could have had some sort of coping mechanism....instead of looking and feeling open to everyone in the room. We were in a circle and i was the next one to talk, and i think thats what totally flipped me out...

Thankyou so much.....i am touched......i hope that you can also feel you can come on here and be honest in the way you feel at this particular moment...

lots of love astridxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

astrid, i'm so sorry to hear of your horrible day  
as usual the girls on here have been amazing and inspiring. They really have spoken so many wise words. I have suffered panic attacks quite often during our IF journey - just this evening I had to 'excuse' myself from a situation where someone was talking about their newborn...tho it wasn't a full on wobbly ..what i'm saying is - as the others have all said - its really really common and we have all been there (unfortunately)

Its horrid - you are not alone  

re emotional honesty - I agree that its really important to have it and 'live' it

ruby  xx

ps thanks for your pm, i am just replying now x


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## blueeyes (Jun 19, 2004)

dear astrid

I don't post on here much.
But  I read the posts and the thought and words that you have personally recorded have helped through some dark times.
I think that moments like this just reinforce that for all of us this is a long journey and despite the fact that we often feel strong and "sorted" these emotions of loss and grief are not really far away. We are here to support you Astrid just as you support so many of us.
Just wanted to say am thinking of you
Blueeyes 
xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Ruby
I hope that you can work through this and chat to those that really do understand and care..I am glad that you were able to be brave enough and remove yourself from the situation. Also to realise that you had to think what was best for you at the time.
I can really relate to you Ruby about the panic attacks. I never suffered from panic attacks until FF..I don't have them often, so i never really thought about them. But when they happen its an awful feeling and something that is hard to control...
Blimey FF does have some real knock on effects...
Keep in there, you are being true to yourself...

Blueeyes - i have just read your posting and i want to thank you for your kind words. I also hope that you are ok and that its nice to hear from you...!! 
lots of love astridxx


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