# First ivf failure has destroyed me.



## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Hello,
I knew going into this process that there was a high chance for failure. I wanted to go into this with my regular attitude, where I "prepare for the worst; that way, if the worst happens, I'll be prepared and won't be let down. If the best happens, I'll be pleasantly surprised. I made the mistake of telling too many people that I was trying ivf. The positive thing about that was I had prayers and good thoughts coming  at me from all directions. The negative aspect was I constantly had people asking for an update. All these people as a support system started raising my hopes that this was going to work. I had prayers coming my way 24/7! So when I tested the day before my beta and got a positive, I was ecstatic! Especially since my chances were even lower with a one embryo transfer. But all the prayers were answered and I was on my way to success, after the long, painful, injection-filled journey. Then I get the call from my doc, "its a positive, but your hcg level is low. But don't read too much into your #(22), because you probably are a late implanter." So I took his advice for a little while, until I started reading all the failure stories that began with a low number. My world came crashing down when I got my 2nd bets results...my # only rose 3 points(25). I was told my chances were slim to none, but to continue my shots and meds til I test again. In my heart this is over. I stopped all meds, and haven't been able to eat or leave my bed for 3 days. All I do is cry. I lost all faith in god, and have blocked out my husband's attempts for comfort. I just want to shrivel up and die. I have bills coming in from the procedure that will bleed us dry, and have NOTHING to show for them. I don't even know why I'm bothering going in for my third beta tomorrow, and the fact that I still have an ounce of hope that I'll get good news makes me realize I'm just setting myself up for more disappoiment. I'm not sure how much more I can take. This has truly been Hell on earth.


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## MIKA33 (Jun 11, 2010)

So sorry to hear what's happened. There are some people who have low numbers and it turns out ok so as hard as it is, try to hang in there although I know what it's like not to want to get your hopes up. We have just had our fourth ICSI which again turned out to be a BFN. Unfortunately I've been in this position a lot now and all I can say is that it's good to let it out and be sad but it does get easier I promise. I really hope that you get good news from your third beta tomorrow. This whole IVF rollercoster is awful but you aren't alone. xxx


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

So sorry you are feeling so low, but wait and see what happens for your third test. If it is bad news give yourself some time and if you can get back on the rollercoaster. I have had one bfn and it is a slap in the face, we paid for ours too and will be paying for it for the next two years. it is devastating, so let yourself get over it and then decide what your next move is. Big hugs to you, you are not alone. Hope your test brings good news. X


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks MIKA and MINCE for your reply. Ironically enough, and totally reflective of my luck, I'm pretty sure I just got my period. i don't think implantation bleeding happens as late as 15 days post 3 day grander, so its officially over for me. I don't see any need to go to my 3rd beta. Another day to stay closed up in my house and cry.


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

*transfer...not "grander"


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

All the drugs won't help with the feeling low and maybe pmt too. I don't know if this is a good thing to say or not but it takes 3 times on average. I hope you feel up to trying again at some point. Planning my next treatment helped me. Be nice to yourself and have a few treats. X


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm getting ready to leave my house for the first time since Friday. I also plan on opening up a bottle of wine (and finishing it) tonight. At least I will have a temporary solution to my depression and misery. I'm not sure how ready I am to try again, emotionally and physically. It's going to take some time for me to make that decision. Thanks for the support. It helps to chat with people who have been there.


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

Glad you are getting out and about. Keep talking about it, it will help. X


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, my outing was a disaster. I am so spaced out from all the crying I almost got into an accident. Then, at the store, I swear EVERY adult had a kid/baby with them. It was absolutely depressing beyond belief. I went to the liquor store and got today and tomorrow's supply of wine (2 bottles). I'm sure after 2 sips I'll be done, being that I haven't eaten in three days or drank in a month. At least I'll sleep tonight.


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## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

So sorry for u hun

Jenna xx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Hopefulmom - im so sad to read your posts & see your so down. Does your clinic offer a support councilling service? This might help? Please don't be disillusioned about further treatment it can & does work & they do say you need to give it at least 3 goes to be in with a chance.

I was very down when my first ivf failed, Infact it took me a year to pluck up the courage for another go. There's no rush to try again but I do think its best you source some help from loved ones or professionals to help get you back on your feet again. 

Ivf is a cruel process, theres no definate answers & it feels a bit like a gambling game when you have to part with your own money for potentially nothing in return.....but for us ladies its our only hope & you have to try & believe that its not all over for you, you can try again & hopefully get your bfp! 

Please remember the majority of couples need at least 3 attempts before falling pregnant, so don't loose hope hun.

Have something to eat, get a cuddle off DH & work through your emotions & feelings together. I know from personal expierence that shutting yourself away doesn't help one little but, trust me I've done it myself! 

Lots of hugs.xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Hopefulmom

So sorry to ready your post, it's very sad.  Most of us have felt the pain and heartbreak of a BFN, and it is truly crushing.  I too cried for days and shut myself away from people and phonecalls, I just didn't want to see or speak to anyone.  Also, like you I'd told lots of people (all my family and very close friends) which as you say in a way was a good thing because they kept me positive through the whole process, but then of course when it didn't work I came back down to earth with a bump and then had lots of people to tell - who were hanging on the end of their phone desperate for some good news, sadly I wasn't able to give them that.  Please try to remember you're not alone with this, all of us on here understand the stress and heatbreak associated with all this tx, it's overwhelming sometimes.  And all of use will have felt that unbearable jealousy when all you seem to see is every other person with a baby or young child - life can seem cruel sometimes.

Hold on in there, take time to grieve (and it will take a while), cry as much as you need to, but one thing I will say is try not to shut DH out, you'll need each other more than ever now, you'll need him much more than the wine    As Lollipops says, have something nice to eat and a big hug from DH, you need your strength to work through this together, whichever path you decide to choose re tx.

Love and hugs xxx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. I went in for my third bloodwork because I haven't gotten my period yet, but have bad cramps and a brownish discharge. My husband still has hope, although I do not. Im just awaiting yet another horrible phonecall with bad news. Have my glass of wine right next to me to help me prepare. I don't know how I'm going to go back to work tomorrow (I'm a 4th grade teacher). I need to be energetic and happy to perform my job properly and right now I'm neither. It's been four days and I feel worse than ever. This. Is. Torture.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi again - just wanted to send you a  big  , sounds like you're really going through a tough time at the moment and I feel for you, I really do.  Please keep us posted and know that you can always come back here for support and understanding xx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Just got the dreaded call levels went from 21 to 25 to 38. I asked the doc why they're rising and he threw some nonsense about cells continuing to divide at me. But the overall message was that I just need to "wait" to miscarry. Are you KIDDING me? Not only have I dealt with the most devastating news of my life, but now I have to exist minute by minute, day by day, just WAITING for it to die It may be easier to end my life first at this point.


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Hopefulmom - I am sorry hun, so sorry


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

So sorry it wasn't good news. You sound very very down, I really think you should talk to your partner about it, you need some support. You will get over this and you will get your BFP, I know it is really hard right now, but please believe things will get better. It might also help to speak with a councillor if you can. And please keep coming on here too to speak to us, there are many ladies on here who have been through the same thing and know how you feel. X


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

I can only echo what Mincepie has said. It does get easier hun, unfortunately it just takes time.....please talk to your partner. you need the support right now


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

My husband is away until Wednesday. Im all alone, thinking constantly about this baby dying inside of me.


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## LJyorkshire (Jan 12, 2011)

Hopefulmom - so sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. Please don't sit suffering alone..I'm sure Your OH would be happy to talk to you any time night or day..or your family..or if you can't bear talking to those you know don't be afraid to call a helpline. When I lost my husband I found the odd call to the Samaritans helped keep me sane without scaring my family to death. Hun its not fair what's happening to you...pray you get your dream before too long

LJ x


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

You really need to look after yourself right now and do whatever you can to get through this. If you have the energy try and get to the doctors they might be able to offer some help. If you want to chat on the phone just let me know. Are you working today?


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Hopefulmom

I am so very sorry to hear your news, so devastating for you. As Lollipops say, I can only echo what Mincepie and LJyorkshire have said, you _really _ do need all the support you can get right now and if DH is away and not contactable right now then I really do think you need to get in contact with your docs or the counsellor at your clinic to discuss things, I'm really quite worried about you. This is a very traumatic experience for you and you need to speak to someone rather than trying to deal with this all alone. I can't believe your clinic have just told you to wait with no offer of support - that's outrageous. If nothing else please keep posting on here so that we know you are ok, whether it be a few words to keep us posted or a long rant - we're all here for you.


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I started to miscarry last night. I was up most if the night in excruciating pain. I forced myself to go to work only to leave after crying to my coworkers and they convinced me to take some time. I got a prescription for tylonol with codeine and am  home trying to rest. So now, ontop of all the emotional pain I have to deal with physical pain as well. This is an awful lot of pain to endure while getting nothing in the end. All of this would've been worth it if it ended up working out in the end. how long is it going to take until things start getting better and I start feeling like  myself again? I'm not sure how much more this I can take.


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I just saw some of the recent comments posted for me..sorry I missed them. I've been doing all this web browsing from my phone since I've been in bed all weekend. Thanks for all the advice. My doctor never once offered to refer me to counseling. In fact, they made me feel like I was crazy when I was depressed when I came in for my most recent blood work. They also seemed shocked when I called this morning in so much pain  looking for some help or medication. They're making me feel like I'm the only one that has reacted this way after a negative ivf cycle. I'm so grateful for this site because it is allowed me to vent and get  out these feelings I have inside.    You have all been a tremendous support system for me. I feel more comfortable chatting on this website rather than seeing a  counselor because I'm more anonymous here. I don't do well with expressing my feelings in person. I'm just hoping this depression doesn't last much longer because I feel so disconnected from the world and I just wanna get back to my old life. I only wish I was continuing my life preparing for a baby. This is just so hard.


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

I'm glad that you feel comfortable on here and can talk about it with us. Your doctor has been rubbish, he shouldn't have made you feel like that. If you can get them to refer you for counselling I would reccommend it. Even if you don't feel up to it right now, it might help in the future. I had councelling and spent some of the sessions just crying and that actually helped! 

I am not an expert but maybe some medication to help with the depression might help in the short term just to help you through this really hard bit. It might be worth discussing it with a doctor, if yours is still being useless you might be able to see another.  I think what you are experiencing is huge grief. You are grieving for what you have lost. This awful feeling won't last forever, it will get better and you will start to feel like yourself more. In the meantime rest, be nice to yourself, talk to us or your partner or your doctor or all 3. I know it can seem like it will never end, but it will. You have been through a lot physically and emotionally and like everone else has said, you need some time. Is there something you do when you are feeling down that makes you feel better?


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

You poor thing. You are definitely NOT the only one to have felt like this after a negative cycle / early miscarriage - in fact you'll find many, many women on here who have been in the same boat as you. It's a devastating thing to go through, after experiencing the highs of a positive pregnancy test. It's just awful. I was in pieces when I miscarried last year at 7 weeks and thought I would never be happy again, but I was wrong, and I was happy again. It just took a while. You have to give it time.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it's incredibly good news that you got pregnant. Your body KNOWS how to be pregnant now - an embryo implanted in your womb and that is brilliant and very positive. But for the time being you need to grieve for this loss, you really do, and please make sure you do. Cry about it, talk about it, write about it, scream about it... just get it all out. You WILL be happy again even though everything feels so dark and awful now, I promise you.

Thinking of you. Big hugs.


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## anders (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi Hopefulmom
I know exactly how your feeling at the moment, I just had my BFN yesterday  , my beta level was only # 7 and ive got to back next week what for I dont know cause my AF also came yesterday right on que.  No matter how much you prepare yourself you always seem to set yourself up for a massive fall, this is also my 1st cycle of ICSI and cant face the thought of going through all this again.  But give it some time and take any councilling that is offered to you from the hospital you may feel it better to speak to an outsider rather than those close to you.  Good luck


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## LJyorkshire (Jan 12, 2011)

Anders and Hopefulmom - not sure if either of you are in the UK but I believe the HFEA require all UK clinics providing IVf services to offer each patient at least one FREE counselling session. Usually the counsellors are independent of the clinic but are experts on infertility so you can rant about the clinic as well as the result if it helps

 to you both

LJ x


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## MJ1 (Aug 8, 2011)

chin up hopefulmum..  
It is hard. I have got off the rollercoaster now, after 4 failures that is enough for me.
xx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I miss thinking I was pregnant. I miss dreaming about the little person growing inside of me. I miss looking at the framed picture of my embryo, imagining it becoming my child. I miss watching what I ate and drank because I had to be mindful of how it would affect my developing baby. I miss planning for all the changes that were about to take place in my life. I miss being able to wake up happy. I miss what my life was becoming.

I miss something I never had


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## unicorn4176 (Feb 19, 2012)

Hey Hopefulmom,

I am on my 2nd IVF cycle, the first was a BFN. I cried buckets and I hated everybody and everything for two whole days, especially since two women who got the procedure done on the same day were BFP...and then I went and drank two Long Island Ice Teas and about seven Tequila shots. I was too depressed even to get high. I did not even get a damn hangover.

Then I thought, what the hell, nothing is stopping me from doing this again. So I got into the second cycle. I am due for my test tomorrow after the 2ww and am crossing my fingers. Whatever you do, don't keep your partner out of your pain, cos he will be going through the disappointment as well. Where as we women can at least bawl our hearts out, the men can't even show their sadness. 

Cry as much as you want, you need to get it out your system. But also go take a walk in the park, listen to some music or at least go window shopping, watch Nigella Lawson or perhaps start cooking . Don't drink. Hold on to those two wine bottles, you will be celebrating in the near future. Am sending you lot of love and hugs!!!    

Hang in there girl!
Unicorn!!!


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## whiz (May 30, 2011)

Hey, 
The feeling you're going through is truly unbearable. it will it easier, but thats not what you want to hear, I know. 
We are on IVF no. 2 now, first one failed - and the feeling I had was horrendous, its like grief.
But doing number two now, 3 months later. in the dreaded 2ww - again feel like its all going wrong.
This is the toughest game i've ever played.
The biggest hug to you, you need all you can get and you are not alone. Neither am i I have to remind myself.


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

Hi

Sorry to hear of your news

Looking at your posts/activity I can see you have only posted in this area. Which clinic are you under 
As has been mentioned earlier, every clinic would have a counsellor attached to it, which they can refer people to,

I am also concerned that your levels were rising slowly, when are you due back for follow up bloods to check they fall 

I think you may find some comfort of other girls stories on the pg loss boards rather than this BFN board, they will also be able to help answer questions about medically related stuff  as well as knowing what you are going through during this miscarriage 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks, Shellebell, but I'm in the US...councelling is not included here. Reading the comments from other women who have been through this on this site has been helping me a lot. It's comforting to know others have/are feeling what I am. I know this isn't a grieving forum but when I started this thread I was in my 2ww. I met so many wonderful women on this thread that I have continued to communicate on here even though my bfp turned onto a bfn. I will check out the grieving forum at 
some point. Until then, I'm just going to proceed with my emotional outpours here.
Thanks again everyone for all your words of advice. Once I get to my computer I will respond to comments individually.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi again Hopefulmom,



hopefulmom said:


> I miss thinking I was pregnant. I miss dreaming about the little person growing inside of me. I miss looking at the framed picture of my embryo, imagining it becoming my child. I miss watching what I ate and drank because I had to be mindful of how it would affect my developing baby. I miss planning for all the changes that were about to take place in my life. I miss being able to wake up happy. I miss what my life was becoming.
> 
> I miss something I never had


I totally hear what you're saying, I wholeheartedly felt everything you say in your post. I couldn't have cared less that I had to miss out on all the alcohol over Christmas, and not having prawns or soft cheese - I loved it! Loved the thought that I had to be careful what I ate, drank and did, and having my little pics of my little embryos out on display. But, like you, that's all gone now. It truly is a devastating feeling when you realise it's a BFN after hoping with all the will in the world that you're pregnant  I did cry for days, and refused to 'celebrate' New Year, I just didn't know how I would get through and cope with everyday things. I do still have my down days (having one today as it happens) but I also definitely have good days when I can feel more positive about the way forward. Don't get me wrong, things are still tough, it still hurts to talk about and it still _really _ hurts to see pregnant women or parents with babies/children BUT overall things have got easier.

It is still very early days for you, and things are still incredibly raw for you. But you will get through this, I promise. At the moment you need time to grieve (and yes, it is definitely a grieving process) and then once your thoughts are in a better place you can then think about what your next step will be. Take your time, take things slowly and be very kind to yourself and remember the love and support of your DH - you're in this together 

Btw, your doc sounds absolutely useless and should never have made you feel that way, you are most definitely not the first woman (or the last) to feel this way, it is perfectly normal and understandable how you're feeling. I never understand how some medical professionals can be so heartless when dealing with such sensitive issues - why did they ever choose to go into that profession if they don't 'care' about people?! Grrr!! Anyway, rant over, that's not helping you I know. As Mincepie suggests, maybe you could change to another doctor? 

Anders, so sorry to hear of your BFN


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Went to my doctor for a prescription for depression meds.  I've never taken anything like this before so I'm nervous. Started with a 1/2. We'll see what happens. I was also written out of work for the rest if the week. I'm happy for that because I can't handle jumping back into my "old" life just yet. My life has changed so much from this experience, and I'm still learning what it's like to function as this new person. I really miss the person I dreamed of becoming when i thought i was pregnant. I feel so robbed of what could have been.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya

I'm so pleased to hear you have been back to your docs and that they've finally prescribed some meds to help you through.  I think you definitely need a little helping hand right now, so I'm happy for you that you now have that    Also pleased that you've been signed off work for the rest of the week, I was signed off a couple of weeks back, and it helped me.  I think this experience will have changed us all, but trying to look at it from the positive side I think (eventually, even though we can't see it right now) it'll make us stronger and more compasionate women.


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I actually went to my primary care physician for the meds...not my fertility doctor. My pcp is very compassionate and understanding, and I can tell he wanted to do whatever he could to help me. I'm not sure my fertility doc will be contacting me anymore since im a "done deal." So who knows what's going to happen next.I would like to try again and not wait too long to do so since I'm 34, and statistics show ivf success rates significantly drop past 35. I'm not even sure what the next step is and i dont feel ready to call my fertility doc anytime soon since they seemed so unconcerned about my feelings towards the end. This doctor is my only option because its close to my work which means i don't need to take off when i have my daily monitoring visits. Plus he is one of the best in my area...even though he rates a "0" for compassion. I just don't know what to do next. I feel like I'm in misery limbo.


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Things Just seem to be getting worse for me. I'm not even happy posting on this site anymore. All I want to do is be alone and sleep. Hopefully everyone else has better luck overcoming their misery. Good luck on your future attempts.


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## mincepie (Jun 16, 2011)

Hello

It will take a while for your meds to kick in and start to help you feel a little better. When is your husband back? 

Mincepie


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

These meds make me sleep. When I am awake I am extremely dizzy and unable to walk with balance. I've been in bed for almost a week. I realize I am extremely depressed but don't know what else to do. My husband came home Wed night but I have no desire to talk to him. He says things he thinks are helpful but they just upset/annoy me. I feel like im going crazy.


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## LJyorkshire (Jan 12, 2011)

Hopefulmum - you will feel disorientated with the grief and the meds. Be kind to yourself..if you feel a massage, spa day, walk on the beach would brighten your day a tiny bit then treat yourself if you can. Remember your husband is suffering too and will be desperate that he cannot make it better for you. Really hope you start to feel better soon x


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I just feel so sad. I wanted this more than anything. That positive beta gave me a taste of what it was like to have it, then it all got taken away from me. The thought of having to start all over again from scratch is overwhelming, scary, and feels impossible. Life is so unfair and cruel. My husband wants to try round two using donor sperm since our issue is extreme male factor, and i absolutely don't want to. I don't want a strangers baby... I want OUR baby. Even though he's saying he's ok with using a donor, he refers to the baby as "my"baby as opposed to OUR baby. Thats proof that deep down he isn't ok with it either. Why is god punishing us? It took me so long to feel ready to have  kids. After two years of trying and 6 months of infertility treatments why can't god grant me this? Life really is cruel and unfair, and I am miserable having to live such a tortuous existence each day. I can't ever see  myself being happy in a life like this.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

For me, getting back into tx was what saved me from going downhill.  It helped me feel in control again.  I'm not saying it works for everyone but perhaps if you start looking into when and where you can start another cycle, it could give you some control back?  At the very least, being proactive helped me to deal with the m/c in a much more positive way and that was only last month.  I'm now due for ET again in 3 days' time.  If it doesn't work then at the very least, it's put some distance between now and the m/c and has given me something else to focus on.  Big hugs.


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## miainlondon (Jun 14, 2011)

Dear Hopefulmum,

I feel my heartbroken by reading your messages. All I wanted to say is that you are not alone. I am in the same boat. After long trying for a baby, I had my first IVF and got pregnant but HCG started drop on 17 Friday. IVF is a tricky thing. I was such a positve bubbly person, but these days I feel there is a big blackhole inside me and I find difficult to carry on with my life. But we have to, darling. We shouldn't let infertility rule our life. i don't meant to be patronising but I really hope you will feel better soon.

Take care,

xx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks again, everyone for your kind and helpful words.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

hopefulmom
I so feel you and am sending hugs to you. It's heartbreaking.
I am not sure where you are having treatment but read that you still have bills coming in from last tx there is the option of going oversea where there are some good clinics - e.g Reprofit in Brno or Serum in Athens - logistically it may be more difficult but financially including tx, flights, accommodation etc it worked out cheaper than tx here. Penny at Serum is known for being a legend and will think outside the box.
This journey is bloody and cruel as well as highly emotional. Sending you lots of love.
xxx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks, Fraggles but I'm from the U.S. so traveling to those places would be EXTREMELY expensive! I'm still waiting on my husbands insurance to see if more of the treatment will be covered, but there are seveal bills that I know for a fact won't be covered. It's hard to pay these bills when I got nothing but heartache out of it.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Oh Honey Hugs this journey is so difficult with lots of heartache but when it works there is so much joy so many conflicting emotions. I know a few people from the US travel to Reprofit in Czech Republic so unsure how they do it. So hope you get a surprise and more is covered than you expect. I know MrsOwantsababy travelled from the US so if you would ever in the future perhaps there is a budget way she could tell you about. Good luck in everything you do xxx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

Wow..3 weeks and 2 says since I lost my pregnancy and I'm still a depressed, emotional mess. When will things improve? I'm counting down the minutes of each day just waiting for it to end so.I could start a new day in hopes that it will be better. That's no way to live life. I'm not sure where to go from here.


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