# WHO to tell WHAT to tell WHEN to tell - advice, opinions, experiences please



## safarigirl

I would really welcome the abroadies feedback on this.  I know there are debates around whether to tell that you are using donor eggs/sperm or not ( think this has been well discussed and I respect everyone's opinions around this) - DH and I have decided that we will tell our child, and i wanted to open up a debate/conversation around when  or what to tell people.

My original plan had been get to three months (please god!) and then  if we get to tell people that we are pregnant mention to a few close friends and family that we used donor eggs.  However since I actually fell pregnant (like everyone on these boards my thoughts were centred mainly on treatment and getting a positive blood test and work the rest out later!) I have been wondering if we should perhaps tell people after the child is born, or a few years old,  once they have met him/her and get a chance to bond.  I dont want to end up with a situation of being asked why we kept it private and didnt tell, but I am beginning to think that if people met a child, love them as an individiual spirit, then the whole donor thing will fade away in the background - i just dont want to spoil this pregnancy with the thoughts around donor being primary.  Or my other thought is it just better to mention it upfront and get it over and done with ....?

I was wondering if any one had ideas on who they are going to tell, what they will tell and when, or if anyone has told and what their experiences are.  I am in unfamiliar water here and dont really have anyone to ask - i think its important to do it right, so that the impact on the child is the best it can be.  I would always like to know if people have been mostly positive around hearing this.  I guess Dh and I  have been on this road and worked out things for ourselves but most people I know have had no problems with fertility and wont know why we have made the choices we have.


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## Mandy42

Hi

I think this is very much a personal decision.  We told my family initially that we were going for DE.  Once I was pregnant we told some of my DP’s close family.  I also told a couple of friends during pregnancy.  We told our 7 year old about 6 months ago when our DD was 6 months.  It did not make much sense to her at the time but I combined it with reading a where babies come from book and also letting her see the “My story” book published by the DC organisation which I had amended to include my 7 year old as well as our DD.  I bring it up quite regularly in conversation with our 7 year old when she talks about our DD’s appearance etc.  We plan to talk to our DD about it pretty soon so that hopefully it will be something she has always known about and not be such an issue.  That sounds so easy but I am sure it will not be so easy at the time.  My dad says our DD looks just like my DP but he also calls her his Spanish princess.  My parents dote on her just like their other grandchildren and it does not seem to have been a problem at all.  I guess my advice is to do what you consider best.  I am in the telling camp – it’s not something I hide but I don’t advertise it either.

All the best and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Mandy


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## Kitty kat

First of all, congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy.

My husband and I have just had DE treatment and are in the 2ww and we have decided not tell.  We have told people we are having IVF and on the whole people have been very supportive, although one girl said it was going against nature, but she soon shut up when I said so was having her ears pinned back and her teeth capped when nature intended her to be ugly, her boyfriend laughed like a drain and she's not spoken to me since, but its no great loss and she'll come round.   One of my best friends who gave birth yesterday has been amazing but even she doesn't know.    I think if you are not going to tell, then you cannot run the risk of your child finding out from anyone else.

We have decided not to tell, as we have had treatment in Eastern Europe and it is anonymous there, so the chances of our child (if we are lucky) tracing the donor when it is 18 is remote is if not impossible.  I personally believe, that having that information without the ability or opportunity to do anything about it, should they want to, is more of a hindrance than a help.

There is an interesting piece in Red Magazine - an interview with a child (a woman of 31) of donated sperm, the wife of a male donor and a single woman who had a child via donated sperm.  The woman (a child of donated sperm) said that she felt a man donating sperm for money felt like 'the ultimate abandonment' and felt the need to trace her 'paternity'.  And she eventually went on to trace a DNA 'sister' but has not been able to trace the donor.  She also says she was angry at having to comfort her parents when she found out the truth.  I believe its hard enough growing up in the world today without nagging doubts and questions, they can do nothing about.

I'm a great believer in nurture over nature and this is not adoption, when of course a child should be given as much information as possbile.  We are talking cells in single figures, which I believe is very different.  I was very grateful to the young Mother who donated some eggs, I took great delight is buying toys and clothes and gifts for her and her little girl, that the clinic passed on, but a bargain was struck and she sold her eggs to me.  The embryos have been put back and their fate is up to me.  Should I wish to take drugs, drink to oblivion or terminate it - I could.   Its nourishment and survival will be down to me, it is party to my thoughts and feelings and I consider them mine, all mine.  I donate blood regularly (or I did before fertility treatment) I'm not a regular blood group and they are always desperate for it but I don't need to know where its gone.  A friend is recovering from a kidney transplant and has never questioned where that can from.  My neighbour's seventeen year got pregnant on holiday in Magaluf and has no idea who the father is.  

I know a lot of people will disagree with my views, but I don't think there is a right or wrong way.  There is  right way for you and if you want to tell your child and people then good for you and there are many agencies and books on the subject that can help you.  From the moment you start down the fertility treatment road, its choices at every crossroad.  Not to tell is my choice.

Good luck everyone

Take care

K


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## janeup

This is a really interesting thread as it brings up a subject I constantly think about.  Safari girl - good luck with your pregnancy. 
Kitty kat - I just read you letter and completely understand your reasons for going this route. It's such a difficult decision to make and I think time will tell as to how what we do.

However like Mandy and Safari girl , my DH and I have chosen to tell (if we are lucky enough to find success) . For now we have chosen not to tell anyone, including (and this is the hardest for me) my daughter who is 20 and my family.  I have spoken to one or two friends about the possibility of exploring this route and have had positive feedback though now say we aren't really trying.  I know some friends think we should just give up and I should be lucky that I already have a child who is now 20.  It’s so lonely this fertility game. 

My DH is lucky to have a wonderfully understanding family – his mum is a therapist and his brother is in a long term gay relationship.  Both think what we are doing is extraordinary and know how much we would like a child of our own.  I am not sure as to how my family would react and I think telling them what we are trying to do could only be harmful.  My mum is very against IVF at any age as she thinks it is soul destroying, so God knows how she would react to this.  My daughter is so precious to me but I know I don’t want to worry her with this idea yet.  If it works, then my DH and I will sit down and think about how we can involve her in her miracle baby brother or sisters life.  I want to be honest but I don’t want to lose her affection or love.  This brings up all sorts of fears such as conditional love and ego.  

I really want us to be open with any possible new family we have and believe that from an early age it should be out rather than a shock when they are much older. My husband is still confused on the issue but we talk all the time about what we would do.  He is a social worker and very open about feelings.  My only fear and believe me, it’s a big fear, is the price we pay for anonymity and how a child would react to only knowing half its genetic history.  There has been so much negative press lately on this issue and I know it is something my DH and I will have to face eventually.  

So what do you tell the child?  I read someone on this site started off a memory box for their future children conceived by DE and I thought this a wonderful idea.  My daughter was born in a cloud of secrecy (married man in unhappy marriage - things eventually came out and people got hurt all okay now - daughter never sees her father   his choice).  I have learnt my lesson to be open.  But as you say Kittykat, what can they do with this information?  It's so difficult!This is a really interesting thread as it brings up a subject I constantly think about.


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## crusoe

Hi 

My plan is to tell any child we are luck enough to have from the earliest age.
My parents know we are having DE (and now DS) thay are fully supportive and have even paid for some of our treatment.
MY DH's parents also know but I don't think they really understand!
My grandparents also know and fully support us but again I don't know how much they understand.
My friends know and so do some of my work colleagues. I have never had a bad reaction from anyone I have told. If I did that would be "bye bye " to them.

I am longing for the day people look down at my baby and say things like "oh doesn't she look like you?" "Doesn't he have your husbands nose?" etc etc. It will happen because people see what they want to see or expect to see. I may well tell them at this point as I am proud that I have DE treatment and that there are wonderful people out there who are prepared to help people like me have families.

As my child grows up and begins to understand how they came about it will be their decision who to tell and who not to tell and my job to support them in this.
Perhaps I am very naive and see it all too simplistically but these are my views.

Love to all
Crusoe
x


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## babybliss

Thanks for all these views girls, very interesting reading. We have told a few people but will probably be keeping it in the open and the child will always have known so it'll be no big deal. I have seen written that "would you keep a secret from your own child?" And "Would it not then make DC appear shameful in some way?" Until i'm 12 weeks though and I don't even know if i am at all yet, I won't be thinking about the precise details.
Can I also recommend here again the donor conception network, they are very professional and debate this kind of thing all the time. Just search the net. Haven't got the website on me. Cost £15 a year to join and I have found the girls I "met" so far very helpful, as well as the true life stories, I think someone mentioned they had participated in.
Well, all the best to you all. I am sure we will all make fantastic Mums! I also heard on Radio4 Women's Hour that DC children usually have a particularly close bond with their parents. Because they are so wanted I'm sure, lots of heartfelt kind greetings, BabyblissXXX


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## flutterbug

I'm not going to tell either.  

I have a son who is six (a natural conception), and I don't want any child I might be lucky to have to feel different.  Those of you who have children know how cruel and mean they can be to one another.  They can go through four or five new best friends in a week.  My son told me that one of his friend's daddy is in prison and yet the Mother has told everyone he has a year long contract abroad!  I felt so sorry for the Mother, so desperately trying to keep up appearances, when who knows how many other kids her son has told.  It's not a case of being 'shameful', its a harsh world out there and me not telling them is for their sake, not mine.

As for 'would you keep a secret from your child'  Yes I bloody well would!!!!    And I resent the emotional high ground that implies.  Three years ago, when my husband and I were were on the verge of divorce, I had an abortion.  I got a severe infection which damaged my tubes and although my husband and I got back together and are now very happy, my chances of having a child naturally are zero.  Do I feel it necessary to tell my child of a botched abortion when me and daddy nearly broke up?  No I don't.  

I'll be able to tell my any new child what I liked or disliked when I was pregnant, what time they were born, how long it took for them to arrive, what a miracle it was the first moment I saw them.  I keep all my thoughts, first photos, locks of hair in baby book for my son and I will do exactly the same for the other one, if I'm lucky!!!!!


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## safarigirl

thanks for all the replies so far - i respect everyone's opions to tell or not, its your right and everyone needs to do what they need to do -  however i dont want this thread to become that debate if thats possible - i just want to know what its like telling, when and who you tell, i'm just looking for general information around something dh and i ARE going to be doing ... i dont mean to offend anyone, but there are threads on to tell or not and i dont want to enter that debate or emotions that seem to go with it .... is that okay for me to say - please no offence to anyone, none intended, i'm just trying to get some specific information ....


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## three_stars

Dear Kitty kat

THis is probably the funniest things I have heard in a long time!  Thanks for the laugh!!!
"We have told people we are having IVF and on the whole people have been very supportive, although one girl said it was going against nature, but she soon shut up when I said so was having her ears pinned back and her teeth capped when nature intended her to be ugly, her boyfriend laughed like a drain and she's not spoken to me since"

Tough question this one and don't think I don't think about it.  Even today I mentioned to an ex I was going off to do another treatment this time with donors and got lots of grief about it.. Why do people not doing this see the donor as the parent  I find that really weird.  Legally it certainly is not true. 

Any way.   I think it does change things a bit when you already have natural conceived children.. possibly it could rasie problems between them....

Safari girl... I think it is true that we kind of have to take each step in this journey as it comes along.  I think you will just know.. You will do what feels right... and that will be what is right for you and only!

Good luck.
Bonnie


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## flutterbug

Dear Safarigirl

I seem to be one of the people who have turned YOUR thread into a debate by adding my 'NOT' comment.  It was only the second post I had ever made on this site and I've only been on the site a handful of times altogether, so I've not seen the other threads where you say this should have been posted.  Its a little embarassing to have posted my deeply personal view and painful history and to be told to 'go post elsewhere, I'm only interested in........'  but then I guess it's a sensitive time for all us. 

good luck with your pregnancy.


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## three_stars

Dear Flutterbug,

I have been on the Treatment outside UK area for nearly a year and there is usually nothing but lots of kindness and support here, whether in agreement or not in opinions....not something you will always see on all threads.  Let's please keep it that way, shall we?
Sometimes there are some topics that hit a nerve and and will always have different sides and emtions with strong opinions and indecision in the middle.  re reading your post it is clear that you have had some hard times and pain... like most of us here.  You are very right about secrets... there will always be somethings in life that will and should be kept secret from our children.  I am sure Kaja was refering to those secrets surrounding the childs' genes.  It is a tough questions because we want to keep the secret so to prevent pain for them and us... but secrets found out are always painful  just for the sense of being kept secret... if you follow me.  I have yet to make up my mind what to do.

Where you are touching nerves, in my opinion if I may be so bold, is in the tone your writing seems to take. 

"And I resent the emotional high ground that implies. "  Again , IMO, if you want to make friends here you may want to think about how things will come across to others.  
b123


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## cecily parsley

Dear Safarigirl
I have worked with young children for years. I think the best time to tell is when they are able to process it. Some people advocate telling in toddlerhood. I believe this is utterly inappropriate - and have heard stories of 3 year olds asking peers if their daddy was a sperm donor. Really, they just throw around phrases parrot fashion at this age, with no comprehension whatsoever.. At a younger age, children are fascinated to know where babies come from - you could show your child bump photos, and say look , this is when you were in my tummy, you were born in the midle of the night, etc etc. Your child will feel loved, and secure, so when the time comes to tell you will know how to broach the subject, and when.

A post mentioned telling a 7 yr old in conjunction with the dcn booklet. This middle childhood seems to be optimal, as you can include it in a facts of life chat,"I didnt have enough eggs so a very special lady shared some of  her eggs which she didnt need." You then say that this is a private matter, grandma and aunty and uncle know and you can talk to them about it, lots of children are born like this but we dont know who else in your school is, because it is private . The word secret shouldnt be used, because that has sinister connotations. Later on you can answer questions re possible siblings and so on.  And, this is a personal thought,  Im not sure I would emphasise the spanish bit, because, lets face it, no one who receives eggs in the uk is certain of the nationality of the donor,  - a second generation Spanish woman could have been my donor in the uk - we will never know, and it will never matter.

I feel if you over do the openness, your child might just think there is more of a big deal to this than I first thought. Simplicity and honesty go together well.

Lastly, I think adolescence would be the worst time to tell, as that is when you think youve been lumbered with the worst parents in the world, so de revelations would be a real  shock  to the system .

I really think this is a need to know basis. I have 3 friends who know, 3 women I trust implicitly, who I share everything with.They have known about my infertility for years. I havent told anyone else outside the family about tx. But I know that the people I tell will look out for my children, and, in later childhood/early adolescence these people will be able to guide and support at a time when talking to parents can be awkward. Im getting repetetive so will stop.!!

I think this board is a wonderful resource for perspective and shared experience, and hope that lots more people can post to give us all more ideas and food for thought.

take care
cecily xx


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## flutterbug

Opps  - looks like I've badly misjudged things.  I'm sorry if I hijacked a thread, offended Kaja and touched the nerves of b123.  Of course, I don't expect everyone to agree with me and maybe I'm not as eloquent but as my posts add up a handful, I guess you can blame my lack of experience on this board or the internet in general.  Maybe its not the place for me - like I said its a sensitive time for all of us and no one needs to be upset, so apologies again and good luck to each and everyone of you wish your quests


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## vindo

Hi safarigirl and all

A little of my experience if it helps!

I Have a 2 year old daughter concieved through embryo donation.  The first person I told outside of my partnership, was a good friend (who had offered to donate her eggs if we weren't successful) and so she knew all about our treatment and was just SO excited! The second person I told I was pregnant and how, was another friend who did not know we were `trying'. We were out for a meal and I told her and honestly for about 20 minutes she thought I was joking!! I really couldn't get her to take me seriously! It was well weird as I was a bit apprehensive about the telling. To be honest I think she was more shocked that I was pregnant than the means by which it occured! She was mortified when she realised that it was for real! 

There were other people I intended to tell but never did.  Why -I think because they were too `nosey' if that makes any sense? These people (not so close friends) were so interested in `how', so focussed on the possible `method' of conception that I guess in my heart I felt no, this isn't healthy. When someone tells me they are pregnent I don't ask what position they were in, a what time etc.etc.! So I never did tell them. Other people, who cared about the baby and us primarily - then yes.

Funnily,  people are always saying stuff about how our DD looks like me, eyes, face etc.  I don't neccessarily disabuse them.

We plan to tell our DD as much as we possible can about her origins and have found the Donor Conception Network booklets really helpful. We are so grateful to those who donated to us and we want to make as sure as we can that that sense of love and selflesness is passed on.  Our councellor at the ACU was very helpful in exploring these issues as well. 

Whatever the way forward for each of us I concur that is is always best to be true to oneself and to never be afraid to change ones mind! Taking risks is good for the soul!

With kind regards

Vi xxx


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## cecily parsley

flutterbug
hi, I dont think safarigirl was saying go and post somewhere else, she was just clarifying her question, stating what info she wanted. just look at her icon, she is chilled out and genuinely lovely.

In my opinion your initial comments  werent hijacking a thread - everyone has a right to post their stories. But,Bonnie is right in saying that this thread is full of kindness,, her comments I believe to be  genuine and reasonable advice , ie that you will get support if you dont come across as defensive and aggressive. Look, this whole infertility thing can make us angry and overwrought and ultra sensitive - we've all been there. And yes, with the internet things can come across in ways we dont intend to.

The abroadies thread is a place for you if you want to be here, I am quite new to this site, and  as far as I can see posting is nothing to do with eloquence, much more to do with courtesy and respect.And it is not about agreeing with everything everybody says,This site  is one of those things that you get out so much more out of than you can put in  in if that makes sense.

Good luck in your treatment
cecily


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## safarigirl

celily thanks for saying that - flutterbug i really didnt mean for you tof eel offended ( i really tried to make that clear in my post - however you are new on the thread and i guess its hard to know everyone - most people know me by now and i think know that i am not here to offend, and most know my journey etc)  
All i was trying to say that there is definately a debate around to tell or not - however dh and i WANT to tell, and i really need support and advice right now about the timing of telling, who to tell and what experiences have been.  Perhaps this a little selfish of me, i have opened up a debate and in a way have confined it - in a way as you can see i have just recently got a bfp, and dh and i want to tell, and i just wanted to try and keep the debate on those lines.  I jsut felt as i have been a member for quite a long time, that i could open a thread to ask for specific information ...
flutterbug - you are right - you shared some painful experiences and i appreciate your truth and honesty - i never wanted you to feel offended, and i apolgoise for that - please post and shrug this off as a misunderstanding.  Perhaps i should have looked at your number of posts and if i had seen you were a new member i would have tried to be more diplomatic.  So i hope you accept my apology, my explanation and we can all move on.  If you re-read my post i think you will see that i wasnt meaning to say move off, i just wanted to try and keep the debate to a specific topic - however you have a right to your opinions and you can always debate this on a thread ...  This is such a lovely bunch of women who have all gone through a lot ... and that is why i was tapping into their collective experiences as i trust their responses and feedback.
Thank you so much for all the advice, i really appreciate it ... i jsut so want to do the "right" thing by our child and i think that getting information is the way to do, from collective experiences and thoughts and ideas ...i would be so lost without you all


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## safarigirl

my buddha avatar has gone!!!


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## babybliss

Flutterbug, you have not offended me at all..it is a deeply personal subject and I respect everyone's opinion. I only wrote a few words what I'd read somewhere, with love and heartfelt best wishes to you. It's such a hard time anyway as you say, love Babybliss XXX


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## bluebell

Hello everyone,
I have read through all this and it makes interesting reading.
Safari-girl, you asked for experiences.  
I have told a few close friends, and our closest family.  We have found that we have got less inclined to tell as time passes as it seems less necessary / relevant.
I just wanted to say that we haven't had any negative experiences in telling people yet.  People seemed to take it entirely in their stride, and indeed showed respect and admiration for what we had been through and our determination. 
It doesn't seem to have affected anybody's view of Ria as our daughter (unless they just aren't saying, but I don't think so).  
My lovely mum even forgot that she was not biologically releated to her recently ! 
I am not a child development expert, but I agree that around 7 years old is a good time to tell, and that is when we plan to tell Ria. 
I too have heard about the DCN books and leaflets.  We intend to use them too.
All the very best and good luck to everyone,
Bluebell xxx


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## JaneGD

Hi Safari Girl,

Congratulations on your pregnancy.  

We have a 4 month old DD conceived through egg donation.  
We told people at a mixture of times - parents and our closest friends when we first went for treatment, some friends during the pregnancy and a few since Ella arrived. When we told seems to make no difference to people’s reactions - everyone has been really supportive and it doesn’t seem to have made any difference with bonding as everyone is the same with DD as they are/have been with DS (10 ys old).  

We’ve only had one only negative reaction from my (ex) best friend who told me that she thought the donor only did it for the money when I was 3 months pregnant which I found really offensive.  Don’t get me wrong, as I think the donors deserve compensation for what they have to go through, and I know that some people view this as a purely financial transaction, but I like to think of my donor as a wonderful person who donated because she wanted to help someone like me who couldn’t have a child.  The ex friend knew how I felt but instead of apologising when I said that it’s a horrible thing to say, she told me not to be so sensitive.  She still hasn’t apologised so we haven’t spoken since.  In a way though I think we had a lucky escape as she was going to be godmother so maybe its better to find out people’s opinions before baby arrives?

TBH, egg donation becomes less front of mind as time goes by although it was huge and all consuming during the pregnancy and first few weeks after the birth.  As Bluebell says, we tend not to mention it now as it doesn’t seem relevant or necessary.  Most people seem to forget she’s an ED baby as friends and family have commented similarities between us.  One of our friends was unsure if its ok to mention similarities in case it upset me so I think its useful to let people know that its ok – after all resemblance can be descriptive as well as hereditary - and as she’s absolutely gorgeous so I’m flattered by any comments.

As with everything to do with ED, I think it is a personal choice as who to tell and when but we’ve found it to a very positive thing to have told friends and family early on.

Good luck to all
Jane


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## safarigirl

Thanks so much for telling me all your experiences ... Jane and Bluebell that was really informative and just what i needed to hear.....  Jane i like the thought of a mixture of times, and i think we will tell family first, then a few friends, and then to be honest we will play it by ear and see how it goes!

thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts and epxeriences ....


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## janeup

No problem Safari girl. This thread has really helped me and my DH too in our disucssions on what to do in the event that we might have a child through DE.  good luck with your pregnancy!  It would be great if this thread could be kept going from time to time with people sharing (not debating) their own experiences. Everybodies opinion counts.


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## bluebell

Just one last thought about this from me is that I think it would be GREAT if our children can have the opportunity to get to know each other a bit, so that in later years they can share experiences.  Obviously we can't force friendships, but at least they will hopefully be there for each other, just as we have been !
A few of us have already talked about this and plan to get our kids together sometimes.
Bluebell xxx


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## nats210

Hi

we are just about to go to Spain for our first DE cycle.  I think we always knew we would tell the child & after speaking to a councellor we now believe earlier rather than later so they grow up with the knowledge and it doesn't come as a surprise when they are getting comfortable with their own identity, I would hate to unsettle the child. I haven't been in touch with the Donor conception unit yet but i understand they offer lot's of advice on this subject (obviously) with most of the members having children through DE or DS.

As far as family & friends go we will tell immediate family, parents, brothers, sisters but we haven't decided on the rest of the family & friends as yet, maybe we will leave that decision to the child.

I think every family, set of friends are different & we will all make our choices based on our own circumstances, what we can gain from here is help, advice & support.
Nats
x


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## bluebell

Just a word of advice to people contacting DCN.  They aren't too supportive of treatment abroad, so it's probably not worth mentioning it unless you fancy a debate on the phone, which happened to me a year or so ago.
BB xx


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## three_stars

Dear Bluebell,  I agreee with your comments... both about DCN.. which has been anti tx abroad and that is why I have not gone near them but maybe if you avoid that info then they may be helpful once you ar BFP... and about the future DE kids of ours getting support from each other if needed.  Guess the FFKids board will have to be created!

Jane.. my DD is Ella too!
Your DD looks really healthy and beautiful.  Congrats!
Bonnie


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## safarigirl

I like that FFkids!!!


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## Izzy x

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences so far. This is an excellent thread and its making me feel more confident about the next few weeks and the birth of our baby.

We have told our parents and our siblings. We have asked them to keep the information to themselves and we trust them with this. To start off with, i was unsure about telling dh's mum and sister because i felt that it really did not involve them......we have used dh's sperm. I must admit, i still feel that it would have been nice to let them think it was a 'normal' pregnancy. However, i used my parents,bother and sil to provide support (they've been fabulous) and i think that it was only fair for dh to have someone (other than me) to discuss things with too, if he felt the need. 

We had an informal agreement between us that we would not tell anyone without checking it with each other first. We also realised that once someone had been told, they could not be untold. 

Last Sunday night, i had dinner around my mums house. My brother, sil and two nephews there. My sil wanted to see some photos of my brother when he was a baby to compare her two children with and so mum got the album out. I  did find it quite hard to sit there while they picked out the physical family traits. However, i do not want to be sensitive about things. I want to be prepared for all the discussions after the birth of my baby about who he / she looks like. I will go along with the flow and take any comments as a complement.  I am so happy that our lovely donor has given us this opportunity. I wonder if she will ever know what a huge difference she has made to our lives. 

The ladies that have already had de babies have said that the issue becomes smaller the further on you go. I can truely see that happening to me too. This is the baby that we were always meant to have.  .

Anyway, thanks for reading my pondering and allowing me to read all your thoughts on things.....also , amny congratulations Safarigirl. xx

Best Wishes 
Izzy xx


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## safarigirl

Izzy - i like the idea of the informal agreement you have with your DH - i have that as well, i have told my DH he can tell someone if he wants to and especially if he feels he wants it for support purposes or whatever but he needs to tell me, and  that people need to know it is information for them and not for general talking about purposes!  I am just sensitive for any child we might have and i don't want them to have a prefix e.g. the donor child - i don't want them to have a label ...
My believe is that if you bring up a child to see this as amazing and special (rather as something different and odd) then they will embrace that thought and believe as well .. i don't want to go too much into philosophy here as everyone will have a different take, but i do believe with a positive attitude around it and a dose of spiritualism (e..g. as you say this was the child we were meant to have; children choose their parents too...) everything will be okay ... it will be great to keep this thread going from time to time, so that we can build up a series of stories (positive, informative etc) that others can refer to when they too feel the need for this type of information

Good luck with your upcoming birth - heres to quick short contractions!!!!  i cant believe you are about to give birth, i remember you getting a bfp .....


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## buster24

dear safarigirl first a huge big    on your muched longed for  . I have absolutely no experience in donor eggs or sperm. but i just wanted to say to you. Who cares how you got that wee one inside you its yours now, dont worry yourself about what to do or how or if to tell, just you and your DH enjoy YOUR pregnancy and then the joy of parenthood. You will decide yourselves with what ever you feel comfertable with i am sure. 
If it was me i would just say it was IVF, most people are kind and would be happy for you knowing that it was donor, but then there are those miserable sods in this world who relish in other peoples miseries and joys and like to add there spite and unwanted comments and opinions. I say opinions are like A**E holes we all have them but we dont all want to see them    .
Good luck to you and your husband and your wee baba. take care and enjoy


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## Reb

Hi Safari girl, great to see you got your  

I dont have any experience of this but we will need DEs and have given this loads of thought.  We said we would only do DE if we told the child, but when ??  If we got a   from DEs I wouldnt want the child to hear it from someone else.  We couldnt tell family as that would be like telling the world (mum just cant keep anything to herself).  So....we thought we would not tell anyone at first and let the child be the first to know as soon as they could understand some sort of explanation of how they came to be etc (about 7 perhaps ?).  We have decided that the child would be our only concern and everyone else would have to deal with finding out later (as I am sure they would  ).

Of course, we havent experienced any of this and its all hypothetical, but I thought I would share our thoughts, good luck sweetie  

Love

Becca
x


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## Reb

kity kat, loved your post

"We have told people we are having IVF and on the whole people have been very supportive, although one girl said it was going against nature, but she soon shut up when I said so was having her ears pinned back and her teeth capped when nature intended her to be ugly"    well said


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## cecily parsley

I absolutely agree with comments about dcn - they pushed for donor traceability which is why we are where we are now, and they very much have a "tell your child when tiny "one size fits all approach. My other thought about the dcn is it is all very well to churn out statements and influence policy from an "I'm all right Jack it worked for me " stance . However, I realise that they are a useful resource as posts have stated, and I plan to read/use  use thier booklet. 

The FF kids idea is brilliant, more appealing than lets all go to the dcn conference which medicalises it all a bit for me. Much nicer to say we are going to meet/play with  Ria, and Ella etc. In this way you are showing our children that what we have done is normal and fine. Going to a conference with my child  in tow I feel would be almost stigmatising the child, an informal support network would be much more my style.
But, I appreciate that everyone has different ideas and approaches

long may this thread run!
cecily xx

just seen Becca's post - ,My MIL saw fit to broadcast my needing DE to anyone who'd listen, and I absolutely agreee that your child is the first concern, for them to hear from someone else would be crushing and soul destroying. So, I know exactly where you are coming from!


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## bluebell

Let's make sure we re all still around for when our babes are old enough to read FF KIDs !
Bluebell xxx


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## three_stars

Bluebell.  You are atill young!  You may still be about when you have grandkids!


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## cecily parsley

Hi everyone
Following a post by Mikeygirl  on the to tell or not thread I looked up the dcn website, and, they have free downloads of booklets on how to tell at 4 different stages, and in fairness to them they are slightly less prescriptive than I thought they might have been. They absolutely advocate in telling, and telling young, but there is a leaflet designed for telling later on and it gives suggestions re approaches, all quite useful.

Have finally worked out how to do a signature on this profile! Am v pc illiterate otherwise I could give you a link to that post

cecily xx


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## safarigirl

Well here I am finally at 13 weeks, and DH and i are going to start telling people that we are "pregnant".  As our family do not live in the UK, and we are seeing them at christmas time we have decided to tell them of our pregnancy over the phone, and of the donor when we see them face to face - i think i would like to gauge their facial response to the information to know whether to give more info or less!  I have decided to use alot of the experience that i read off from here, and tell a few select people, as it seems that after the birth it becomes less of an issue, and i am going to use that info not to feel that i have to tell everyone!
I will add my experiences to this thread when i have them. and hopefully this can help someone else. It really helped me having so much feedback from everyone and made me feel much better around it.


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## janeup

Safarigirl - many congratulations on your pregnancy.  This is something we have been wondering about too. particularly how to tell my immediate family.  The other day I decided to tell my little brother of our intentions.  We are very close but hugely different in years – I am 45 and he is 32.  He is also my half brother, having a different mum to me.  We were never brought up together and have recently become best friends which is really lovely as I do not have a very good relationship with my other siblings – well, we just don’t really communicate due to the “busy-ness” of modern life.  

Anyway, the other day, I decided to tell him, not really knowing how he would react.  I sort of knew he would be okay as he is a really kind sensitive man.  (My DH had told his family too who have been so supportive). He thought what we were doing was completely wonderful and said “what you and your DH want most of all is a family.  And how you get it makes no difference to me.  If science can do this, can give you what you want then go for it” . He then scratched my skin very lightly and said that’s all DNA is – a bunch of cells.  You will be the mother of that child.  Your love and nurturing will give that child life.” I was amazed he knew so much about this.  

Anyway, this is very positive for me as I have been so wanting to talk to someone other than my DH and his family about our plans. Apart from anything it’s so exciting what we are doing …and frightening too.  We promise to keep it to ourselves for now as I don’t think the rest of my family will be so understanding.  I am hesitant in telling my DD in case it doesn’t work.  

Good luck Safarigirl in your experiences. I am sure you will be as surprised as me with some of the positive reactions.  I am of the belief that we are the pioneers in this sort of treatment, and sadly, with that comes bewilderment, confusion and prejudice.  In time, this will disappear, as it did with other infertility treatments and people will look DE/DS as normally as any other way of conceiving!


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## hola69

Hi safari girl,

just wanted to say am so happy for you..you have been a great support to everyone and deserve this so much..enjoy every minute and I hope that your family support you all the way...

Hugs

Lesley xxx


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## roze

Dear all,

We decided at the beginning of the donor road that the first person to know would be our child. When the child was born we would discuss the best time and way to do this, which seems to about 6/7 years old. There are a number of sources of advice on the subject and books, so we would work this out in due course.

I am aware that a few ladies on this site have told early on and have received thoughtless comments, some from medical staff on the day the child was born.  This is an horrific thing to happen.
Basically I am not telling people at all as I don;t want anyone  raining  on our parade. My experience with a social worker in the summer taught me that some people will just make judgements about you and think badly of you, even when they dont know you at all, and you don't need that.

It is easy for people to say things accidentally.  When I was 10 years old I cruelly teased a girl at school for being adopted. My mother had just told me.  The thing is, the girl did not know at all, as her parents had not told her. 

So it is I think best to keep everything under your hat until you , not other people, decide that the time is right to share such vital information.

roze


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## Ali40

Ladies

I have just seen this thread and read it with great interest.

We too have decided to tell the child.  However I have another issue which is my beautiful son who I conceived with both our genes died after a month of life.  We won't be able to keep him a secret so we have the double dilemma of "you had a big brother but sadly he died" as well as the donor egg thing.  It scares me sometimes as I am worried that I will feel differently about this baby.  It is very reassuring to see posts from people with donor egg babies who have their genetic children too and love them the same.  Thank you for that information it certainly helps me.  I look at pictures of my son and I see part of me look back yet I know that I won't see that this time .......  so it is also interesting to hear of people saying that someone comments that the child looks like them when genetically they are not theirs.

Anyway our idea (which may be of use/interest) is my DH would write a little bed time story to read to the baby/toddler/child.  Something along the lines of:  Once upon a time there was a Mummy and a Daddy that loved each other very much.  Then a bit on how much they wanted a family, then how sadly the baby died, then that the mummy ran out of seeds.  Then a kind lady anonymously donated her seeds and then how they grew in mummys tummy and that it turned into you and everyone lived happily ever after (hopefully).  That way it becomes part of everyday life for the child.

A second thought is that treatment of this kind is getting more and more popular and although there are people out there making strange comments about ED I imaging that babies born via this route are on the increase and that they won't be the "only one" in the class when they get to school.  What may seem fairly rare now is likely to be more commonplace as the grow up??

Finally FFKids - bring it on.

Best of luck to everyone and thank you Safari Girl for starting such an interesting thread.  It was so useful to read peoples thoughts, ideas and what they have carried out.

Alison ....


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## safarigirl

Ali - I have read your history and i cant tell you how much i felt for you and how much you deserve this child 

These are some of my beliefs  (as always never meant to offend anyone just a collection of my own ideas and thoughts) - children can come to us via different methods e.g. i believe this is the child for me (yes i wish it did have some of my quirks and looks but that is so minor, i want an independent child anyway - and when i think of friends children what attracts them to me now as they grow older is their personalities, what they think , do, their strenghts, etc, its only when they are babies i think that we focus so much on "who do they look like" 

I agree with you and I do believe society will change and if we also choose schools and teachers who have a broader approach our children will feel included all along.  Their are schools such as Waldorf that would easily incorporate this knowledge - many teachers have big hearts and i think if they knew would help with this as well.

Trust this child of yours (this is something i learnt from a mentor a long time ago) to be "big" enough to embrace the knowledge of his beautiful brother and of his/her own origins.  It will be sad that he will learn that he lost a brother, but he/she will know how much they are wanted.. Actually this isn't coming out exactly as i wanted it to but in shorthand your child will understand and love you even more ... trust me on that.

I do believe that telling a child earlish means they will always know and will write it into their knowledge.
This is so hard to write (thoughts swirling in my head but sometimes it sounds a bit static when i write so i hope this is all making sense!)  but i have a psychology background and I have seen children with things such as birthmarks; born with both sexual organs - children who are brought up in an atmosphere that tells them they are special and loved and that what they were born with is right and good, grow to love their own uniqueness and see it as a gift, children who have been brought up to feel that for e.g. a birthmark makes them ugly or that they must never tell about their sexual organs grow up to feel "freakish" . So in short i believe this about donor children ... if they are brought up to feel special and loved and that is just what it is they will accept it (maybe not in their teens, but they will)

I do feel sad that the wont be able to trace some of their genetic history and i wish that they could, that is perhaps my only real "sorrow" in all of this, but i have made the choice and i am prepared to live with it.

On another note I am seriously considering writing up and creating some workshops to hold with donor children around identity and themselves, workshops to empower them and for them to understand their own potential and uniqueness and the love with which they were created.  So watch this space - ff kids to be my pilot audience!  Obviously for in the future but i feel that i have taken a specific path, and perhaps i need to do more for others on this path as well.....


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## safarigirl

I thought i'd add this link from the donor egg thread just to add to the information /stories already on this thread ....

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=70678.msg993471#new


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## Marina

Hi Safarigirl

That really does put it all into perspective for me, thank you for that link  its as I thought I will feel WHEN it happens, to me its all about nurture not genetics's, to have a child is a dream come true and the love you can give and receive you will always cherish.

Love

Marina


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