# IVF after adoption



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi all,
I was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice on this. 
We always thought that we would adopt a sibling for our LO but two things have come up recently that have made me question this. The first is....would we even be lucky enough to adopt a young baby again. Everything that's gone on recently with delays on placement orders has kinda put me off or think we are in for a long wait. Secondly we are about to come into a bit of money that would enable us to try IVF again if we wanted to. I've mixed feelings about this as our chances are low and quite frankly I can't really be bothered with it all! If I knew we could adopt another gorgeous little LO like our daughter I wouldn't think twice. The thing is we want a sibling. It doesn't matter how we get them. 
Obviously I know if we did IVF and it didn't work again our chances of then be accepted for adoption would be low so this worries me to. 

Thing is I am not getting any younger and I don't really want to be waiting around for a couple of years for the right LO if we could achieve a pregnancy with IVF! Oh if only I could have a crystal ball!

Anyone in a similar situation or been in the past with any words of wisdom? X


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I would say you would need to be prepared to discount adoption entirely to be able to go with another round of IVF. That is quite a lot to pin on one cycle. We all know sws can be quite black and white about some things and might question your desire to adopt (like if you were being assessed and suddenly funds for another round of IVF became available, would you do that instead). I understand where you are coming from but would they? Most authorities won't begin the assessment process until at least one year post AO and by then the landscape may have changed. According to some of the stuff I have been reading things are already going wrong with the SGO/kinship placement situation, incredibly sadly for the children involved. Good luck with your decision x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks  for replying BG. I'm pleased you understand where I am coming from. 
If we knew we could adopt another gorgeous LO like our daughter I would not give IVF a second thought. I totally put adopting first. I think what we will do is apply again as soon as we can and hope for the best. I love love love our daughter so much but being a mother at my age is tiring. We really want a big family and I don't want to leave it to long. 

As for IVF, I think the thought was also raised up again as a good friend who had her IVF baby after 6 tries has just found out she's pregnant again after another round of IVF and it worked first time. Raises those old feelings again 😔. The mummy group I've been lucky to join are all starting to get pregnant with their second babies and I guess I'm feeling broody. 

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I definately wouldn't jeopodise adopting again by trying IVF again. Hope your little Pixie is well x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Lorella 
As you probably know your age is really against you for OE IVF.  I can see your dilema about any future adoption if you tried an IVF cycle equally I can understand the want for a young  baby perhaps even the desire to carry yourself.  Could you consider treatment abroad maybe as a Tandem Cycle where by you go through IVF and have a donor running alongside you so you would always get to ET for if no OE make it you can use donor.  By having treatment abroad no one would know unless you told them so surely that would not jeopardise any adoption plans?  As far as anyone would know is you went on holiday for a couple of weeks.
TCCx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Team adoption here  

Good things come to those who wait and a little one is waiting .....

Personally the thought of IVF makes me feel a bit sick   but that's just me !!  
X


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Ah, Lorella, I know how you feel, though. The recent crap from the upper courts has seriously put me off the idea of no. 2. We always thought we wanted two or three but are seriously considering a one and only now.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks TCC. I appreciate your reply and I have thought about trying the abroad option. I have several forum friends who have done it successfully. I know my chances are very low unless I possibly go abroad and have every drug under the sun and even then chances not great. 
However I would not be able to do this secretly. I can't lie about these things. I am a rubbish lier anyway! Thanks for thinking of me though x

Dame Edna- I know what you mean ....I just wish there wasn't so much uncertainty with adoption. Am almost annoyed with myself for getting sucked in to any thoughts of IVF!

BG - I know. It's crap isn't it 😔 x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Don't feel bad Lorella  

You'll work it out and the right child will find their way to you...
X


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Im team adoption too   the thought of going back to the world of IVF, medication, cycles, scans, the dreaded 2WW, emotional stress makes me feel ill, we had to drive passed our old clinic the other day and my DH and I both shuddered and said 'never again'!! but thats just my personal opinion, everyone has their own feelings and thoughts and if its on your mind it must be something which you would feel comfortable doing, although I would agree with the other posts, it would probably close the door on future adoption applications.

How old was your Lo when she was placed with you? what age would you be looking for with number 2?

Our LA are placing younger children, we are in the process of number 2 now, with panel in a couple of weeks. There are babies out there!

good luck whatever you decide xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks mummy sunflower and congratulations on number two. That's brilliant! 
LO was 9 months. She has been a dream baby. Aside from the first settling in period, which wasn't at all bad in the grand scheme of things, everything's just gone so smoothly ( although I am not naive enough to know things could change at any minute)!  We knew about her before we were approved so didn't have to wait either. She's 20 months now.  
We would really love to do the whole thing again with a very similar age. I would feel it may be unfair on LO to do F2A as we will have experiences with her sibling that we couldn't have with her. The other way around, adopting an older child would be same in reverse. 
I guess, like you all who are in the process for number two, we will have to hope we get lucky. It's just we were so lucky first time around I can't ever imagine we would be so lucky again! 

We were also 'lucky' (although I know that's not really the right word) that our 2 IVF experiences were not overly stressful. Physically and mentally I know I could do it again. When thinking practically and realistically I don't really think I want to. We've such a small chance of it working anyway I don't even really know why I'm thinking about it. 

I think we will wait till new year and LO turning 2 and then see if we can apply again for adoption and keep everything crossed we are lucky second time round too. Thanks so much x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Tough choices really. Would be so good if we had a crystal ball! Im like you re the Ivf I didn't find it a problem really other than the building up of dreams only to have it come crashing down. 
Same re adoption. We got so lucky with our little man. We've decided I think that we'll only go down the route for number 2 if it was a sibling that was offered to us. As yet undecided how we'd play that though whether we would agree to fta our whether we would ask to do things the same as little man in that we do fta at appx 6 months once po granted.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Tough one Hun...

If you apply for num 2 and maybe a case of waiting a bit longer for matching?

I'm same as becs...Waiting for a sibling, I doubt it would be long with previous :-/


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Big hugs, Lorella.    Honestly, you couldn't pay me to do IVF again.  Even the thought of being pregnant makes me come out in a cold sweat....  

I have seen several babies coming through the system lately (5, 6, 7 months).  The waits are longer, but I don't think it's all older or complex children.

Good luck!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Yes Becs...a crystal ball for Xmas please!

Thanks for your replies ladies and for the hugs AOC. 

Yes we are totally ok with waiting a bit if the SW at least says there is a chance of a child under one. 

We were told when we adopted LO that the likelihood of a sibling is high but for some reason I can't see it happening. I think it's because I really don't want BM getting pregnant again for her sake. 

AOC - the funny thing is the thought of being pregnant scares me too! I think I need to get back to the real world and put all thoughts of it out of my mind!

Xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Just think as well Hun you said you wouldn't want to do f2a because you'd have experiences with sibling you would with eldest, it would be the same if you did IVF...

F2A also aren't always newborn becs was 6m same as ours when they came home...My eldest came at 11m and his brother 6m later at 6m....He was very behind so we've had a totally new experiande with the baby but I don't think that my eldest will find that a problem when he's older it's just different circumstances x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

That is a very good point Littlepoppy that I have considered, along with of course the fact that it may raise possible problems when they are older, having one adopted child and one biological child. 

I hadn't really thought about the f2a being with older babies, but of course it is 😖! I think if it was a biological sibling who came at a younger age that would be easier and totally see your point. Thanks x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I have an older adopted child and then a biological child -we were in the process of approval for adopting a 2nd, then I got pregnant unexpectedly.
I know there are many who have yearned for a biological child so forgive me if this hiurts but I have to be honest.

Pregnancy for me sucked. Completely and utterly I was disappointed to be having a boy because we had had our hearts set on adopting a girl and it took a lot to adjust, not expecting it to last as I had 2 prior early losses. I had hyperemesis so constant severe sickness for 20wks, pelvic pain and couldn't walk well or far, couldn't play with or support my eldest and couldn't even walk the 3min journey to take him to nursery without being sick. My waters broke at 32wks and he was born at 33.5wks and in special care for 13days. This meant around a month where my eldest didn't have his mummy around.
Of course this was my experience and not to say you'd have any difficulties at all but when it's your first time around and you can't stop cause you're running around after a toddler it's bl**dy hard.

My eldest took 4mths to accept that his baby brother was staying and we weren't sending him away (cause in his world, why would you automatically stay with the person who grew you in their tummy?). His behaviour was awful and he's only just in the last few weeks (so took 6mths) started showing any affection towards his brother. Eldest LO is now 3yrs 9mths and asking me 'how come I'm adopted and XXX isn't?' It's hard to explain but we told him God decided he was the best ever big boy and needed us to be his mummy and daddy as my tummy was broken. Then loving him so much fixed my tummy so God decided his brother would grow in there this time around.

Since having my 2nd I've also had to contend with a number of ridiculous comments about 'real' children or how LO2 is a miracle but I just tell them my LO1 was my first miracle.

That said, I love both boys so much and in seeing all the milestones with LO2, it makes me sad that I didn't get to see them with LO1.

I'd not change our situation fore the world as I figure what's meant to be is meant to be but it has made things a bit more complicated!!


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Lorella,

IVF was our plan B, I'd much sooner have adopted but we hit a brick wall there. I personally found IVF less invasive, quicker to get on with once you have enough money & you have far more control over things.

If like me you're not concerned about genetics, have you thought about embryo adoption? Basically this is adoption at a very early stage without all the red tape, intrusion & stranger judgement involved in adopting a post-birth child. They are also undamaged by the care system & it allows you to experience pregnancy & birth which some women particularly want (although I only saw it as a means to an end), equally if breastfeeding appeals to you it would give you that opportunity as well.

It's cheaper than OE IVF & doesn't involve painful stimms. If I'd know about it before I started IVF I'd definitely have chosen this option, & I had it as my next plan had fresh DE not worked. 

Best wishes,

B xxx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for sharing Arrows. It's really helpful to get an idea of what it's like to have a biological and an adoptive child. Hopefully we may even get to meet once you move to my county! Would love to meet your gorgeous boys. 

B - thanks so much. You know, your post has really given me good for thought. I hadn't ever thought of donor embryo. 
Xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I recently posted this on another forum after some ladies were discussing pregnancy envy....

Please don't take this the wrong way anyone, I am blessed to have my son. When I got pregnant naturally after adopting our daughter I wasn't elated. I should have been after years and years of trying, treatments and tears. But I wasn't. I was terrified. I knew too much about pregnancy and all that could go wrong so I wasted time worrying. And then it did go wrong. And all I could think was that we were happy and now we would possibly have a very sick baby or he would die and how could we move past this and how would this impact our daughter. We had 5 weeks of bedrest which took me away from my girl. He was born at 31 weeks and had to stay in nicu. He is our challenging child. Our adopted child to date is a pretty typical two year old. So what I'm trying to say is while I wouldn't change a thing and every day I'm grateful, my dream of pregnancy did not live up to the reality. If we had a third it would be through adoption. I am now terrified of falling pregnant again and sporadically take tests to reassure myself. I know this isn't the norm and I now get jealous of 'normal babies' who feed and grow well. We can never win! Hugs to anyone struggling xxx

I can't lie though, despite everything I am glad to have experienced labour and birth, probably more to be able to join in the chatter and find some common grounds... That said NEVER AGAIN!!!

My son is my natural preemie warrior, a miracle. But my daughter overcame early trauma to develop into a beautiful and clever little girl. She is my soulmate and allowed me to become a mummy, so no more no less, she is equally as much of a miracle in my eyes. No matter how your children arrive you will love them with all your heart xxxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Beautiful, honest posts Arrows and Lolly - I just wanted to applaud you both.

Arrows, I think they way you explain it to your oldest is wonderful  - well done you.  

And yes, I consider my boy a miracle, so I entirely agree with you both there.  (((((hugs))))


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Ah thanks so much Lolly. You are such a brilliant mummy x

You have all given me a lot of things to think about so I am pleased I posted. 

I think I will chuck all those creeping thoughts of IVF out of my mind 😊 xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you AoC  

You're very welcome Lorella 😃 I do see why you've thought the way you have. The system has changed a lot since we were matched two years ago and to be fair it is a bit of a scary place at the moment. It's hard for me to say because we aren't in that position any more. However I think if we didn't have our little man we would probably be close to stating the process for number two now, despite everything. Good luck with your decision, it sounds like you have made it already. And you too are a fab mummy!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - we have recently had our second adopted child placed ( oldest is bio) and I just wanted to comment. Our AD came to us at just under 12 months and was adopted internationally with a pretty bleak start to life. She is however amazing and has slotted into our family perfectly (after a petty serious period of adjustment). Anyway getting to my point - we always wanted a big family so applied to adopt again and to be honest I was absolutely terrified that we would not get a perfect addition to our family again - I read way too much on the auk forums and scared myself silly. We went to panel in June, heard about our son in July and brought him home in August - he was just under 9 months when we brought him home and he is amazing.

Yes he is young and it's possible he will have issues that will come out as he grows but it's too late to worry about that because we all love him so much. I know there is a lot going on in the world of adoption and some people seem to be waiting forever but it's not the experience we had.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Oh Tictoc you just made me go a bit goosebumpy. It's nice to hear of your big happy family. That would be an ideal scenario for us 😊 x


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Thanks Lorella. - I know we have been very lucky and there are many people waiting a long time for a match but I think everyone needs hope to get them through this journey.

Funnily enough I know a few other people who had pretty quick placements the second time around too. I do think there is something in it that when you have adopted already you are aware of how hard the transition period can be when a new LO joins your family so surely the risks of disruption are lower which must be a plus to some SW's.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

It's really great to hear that Tictoc. I'm actually feeling excited again about the prospect of going for number 2 in the new year. Thank you x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

How long have they made you wait between applying?
We have been talking about number two.... We have been so lucky with bubba one, that's it's hard to believe we could get so lucky again!
Would love more.... Obviously early days for us.... But want more 
Good luck with the applications x


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## Ozzycat (Mar 18, 2013)

Little lady has only been home 7 weeks and I'm already talking about number 2 aswell!!!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We had eldest at 11m then 6later his brother joined us 6m old...I think I'm ready for num 3 lol! I don't think I'd ever apply again though, just sat waiting for a phone call if she's pregnant again! X


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

FMN - I haven't even broached it with my LA yet but I'm hoping that they will say as long as 2 yr age gap, that it's ok ( as I've read on here that most LAs require it. )
LO will be 2 at the beginning of the year so I am hoping that by time apply, get accepted (🙏) and matched (🙏) the age gap will be just right. Oh to live in a world though where everything goes as you would like xx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

When we were applying again some VA's and LA's were not interested because they thought AD was too young but the LA we went with were fine as long as we could manage the 2 year age gap. AD turned 3 just before we went to panel so we were approved 0-18 months but that would increase as AD got older - although this wasn't needed in the end!


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

lorella
we did ivf after adoption - it was not an easy option for us, but the longing for us to have a baby never left us. we adopted 2 hard to place children and when we talked about adopting again were told not unless it was a sibling. we waited a few years and no news on a sibling, so pursued ivf for a baby, struck lucky and had a birth sibling - the rest is history. 


i guess it depends on your infertility history etc - could you get pg with ivf, how many times, the stats etc....


with adoption - would the la say wait? till your LO is how old? wait for how long between adoption? some La's say wait 2 or even 3 years before starting again - what does yours say? is it worth contacting them for a general chat? 


if you did ivf and it failed where would that leave you? would it put the la off approving you again? would you go through tx then have to wait 2 years break? 


lots to think about....


it worked for us - but we had 6 years of doing nothing - just being a family, then we had our LO, then another 2.5 years and now we're adopting again - i SW get twitchy when things are rushed - they like the rest periods for some reason


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks Ritzi. That's helpful to know. Good luck with your 4th addition x

How do you not uncover adoption number one to the general public when adopted child number two comes home? This is a question I find I have going over and over in my head but can't seem to come up with an answer I am hAppy with. 

I go to lots of groups. Some know about LO ( friends who go) and some don't. I am happy with that. Some probably know and I don't know they know but that doesn't bother me. Noones come up to me and asked me outright. So it's all good. It was ok suddenly rocking up with 9 month old as easy to explain or no explanation even needed. 

However what are people going to think when I rock up with eg. A 9 month old one week who is my son but the wk before I was very unpregnant! Obviously all will then know and then they will question my first LOs background too. This breaks my heart as we are so settled and she's so confident and happy. 

If we were lucky enough to adopt a 9 month old next September then I would be about 6 months pregnNt now! Should I stop going to groups now and retreat a bit so I can try and get away with having a sibling without revealing to the world my children are adopted?!

I know there are a few of you who are adopting a second one and I was wondering what your thoughts are? I've even thought about moving to a different village but we like it here. I just don't want it to big 'big news' that my children are adopted x


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

It sounds silly but I stopped going to groups when I knew about sibling, this was to stop the questions when I rocked up with two children..

When we knew we was having sibling and he was X months old I'd always say this is my eldest, my youngest is spending time with his granny..silly I know but it was to avoid silly questions!!!


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I have to say it's not something that bothers me. I figure most people in the groups will just be people I see there and nowhere else, if there are a couple that I see outside if the group which there are it's because they live in the same village and would know anyway. I figure it's much like the saying about news, today's headlines are tomorrow's fish and chip paper. I'm quite sure most these mums have enough going on in their lives without being vaguely interested in mine for more than 5 minutes. 
Quite a few in our music group know because I didn't feel comfortable initially, I found to easier to "confess". However I would say there's probably only one of them that would remember now and that's because she's become a closer friend that we see a lot more of now.


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

most people I know would just say this is x, our latest addition....if people    they'd say - oh we've adopted him/her - with a smile and then move on.....i don't think in 8 years i've known any families who've concealed the adoption or chosen to not tell. yes its private information but adoption now is so common that i think its part of who the child is and they don't need shielding from that. 
i think it would be sad to stop going to a familiar fun toddler group now, just so in x months time you can start going again...sorry just my opinion but for now prioritize the child you have. there is nothing wrong with telling the world your precious children are adopted   if you start small now, it wont ever be big news, just normal for you and your LOs around the village. She can still be settled and confident and happy. 
no-one ever bats their eyes with my lot, we kept it quiet in the early days with school etc, let people assume what they wanted, as my confidence grew i told ds friends parents, now its just a fact, ds will say - oh we went to adoption group last week it was fun - and to his friends oh you dont come because you have birth parents, but we have adoptive parents so we go along...nothing big to him as its been drip drip drip over the years. 
hope that help - ritz


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks ladies. It's really helpful to get your opinions. 
I totally agree that it would be sad for LO to stop going to the groups Ritzi 😊. Our LO loves them. Also I guess I do tend to think in a bit of a paranoid way....that everyone will notice etc but yes you are right Becs.....the whole world does not revolve around us! It's sometimes difficult to remember that but I must. I am sure you are right and most people won't even notice or care. I think I just envisaged everyone then knowing in all the groups but of course different people go every wk and the ones that go more regularly who I may smile at and say hello to, I wouldn't have any problem being honest. I just don't want it to be a big revelation. 

I might just continue to go to the groups but not make myself a big character there that everyone knows! Not that that's really me anyway! For example I was offered to become the chairperson of one toddler group but along with the responsibility, it would make me very know to the whole group and I don't want that. 

Thanks ladies. You have really helped me realise how it can be done xx


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## Beckyboo3 (Jan 18, 2011)

Hi
We have a 7 year old birth son and start introductions for our LO just before half term - so think there are going to be a few shocked faces in the playground after the holiday !! There's no hiding I haven't been pregnant (a bit plump  ) but think we are just going to front it out and get ready for a few ignorant questions  .

But think were going to keep it simple and just say this is our daughter !!

Beckyboo x


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