# Adoption - looks pretty bleak right now if the SW is to be believed



## Bedscpl (Jan 28, 2012)

We have been through four rounds of IVF/ICSI and unfortunately have been unsuccessful. We are devastated about this as you can imagine but have picked ourselves up and are now looking to the future. Over the many years of IVF we have started to consider the possibility of failure and what we would do if this happened and have come round to the idea of adoption but there is a certain amount of trepidation around the potential of investing so much emotionally in a child that isn’t yours by birth.
However my wife bottled up the courage and called the local authority to talk to someone about adoption and was greeted with a barrage of reasons why we would be unsuitable!
So we are both 39, have good jobs, live in a nice house, in a small village. We have 5 nieces and nephews who we adore and are constantly being told what great parents we are – a fact that has made the disappointment of failed IVF all the harder to deal with.
So the social worker says that we have no experience with children and then starts talking about how all the children they have available have disabilities or mental problems and then how they encourage the children to keep in contact on a regular basis with their real parents and so it goes on.
You keep hearing about all these desperate children who need loving parents in a stable family environment and then you talk to a social worker who just seems to want to persuade people against it. Right now I’m just thinking that the best thing to do is to adopt a child from abroad (not that I know much about that yet either) and not have to worry about half of the obstacles that this SW have thrown up.
All we want is to have a child that we can give as good a start in life as our parents did for us, which I hope sounds like a commendable thing to do, so why do I feel like someone who hasn’t even bothered to find out about us has already written us off as unsuitable? It makes me so angry.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as right now we are both very confused


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## minkey114 (Nov 10, 2010)

Hi I have no direct experience of this at all, however have read a few of the adopttion threads and it seems they do try to put you off initially.  You could always try another local authority, I think a lot depends on who the duty social worker is that day.  Maybe look at going to an open evening.  Sorry couldn't be of more help, but I'm sure someone will be along soon.


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## Jenny74 (Jul 7, 2010)

From what I've been told by my friend who is in the process of adopting, they try to put people off at first so they can see you are serious when you persevere with the process.  Keep going, you'll get there


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

HI,

Try not to be downheartened... I'm sorry about your failed treatment.  I think some SW give everyone the worst case scenario to see if you're truely committed to adoption, and maybe they didn't explain themselves very well.

Not ALL children waiting will have a disability or mental problems, but if you do some research, you will find that most of the children will have some sort of issues. i.e. attachment or developmental delay, and will therefore need an extra special kind of parenting.  That doesn't mean that these children won't grow and develop into perfect children, most of them once in a loving stable family will come on in leaps and bounds. The neglect they suffer at an early age can cause delays, but they can be overcome.  

If I was you, I would try a neighbouring Local Authority and try to attend an open evening.  We made enquiries with 3 LA's before we were happy with our selection.  I won't deny the process can be lengthy, but its for a reason, and I honestly haven't found it that bad.  We've been lucky to have a great SW though.

Good Luck, don't give up!  It sounds like you will make wonderful parents.

x


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## Poochie1111 (Apr 26, 2009)

HI - I'm so sorry you had such a negative start.  Mrs YG is right that in that most of the children tend to have some issues but they are of varying degrees and most children will go on to develop well in the right homes.  The home study process helps you decide what is right for you.


At the end of the day, the agency you choose has to feel right for you as its a long old journey, so it's definitely a good thing to try another LA as everyone has said, or a VA.  I'm sure you'll have a better experience.  


Good luck.


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

I agree with all that has been said so far. It's worth looking to the nearest city to you. 50 mile radius is how they usually work. Going through a poorer or more industrial area means the ratio of children needing families is in your favour. 

Good luck, and keep going!
Xruthiebabe

PS from what I hear adoption from abroad is quite expensive and takes even longer!


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi


Don't let it put you off like the others have said, I don't know why but some la's really are pretty negative when you first call them! It put me off adopting for a year. Call around a few more LA's, we eventually found one that was brilliant and we ended up adopting a 10 month old baby boy who up to now does not seem to have any problems. Of course you never know for sure, there is always uncertainty but so far so good, he is our little angel and it feels great 


Forget the initial call and call round a few other LA's and then try and make it to an info evening where you will get much better information. From the sounds of it you will be snapped up by a good LA!


Good luck!


panorama


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

I agree what everyone else has said so far.
I don't know why s/w try and make it so difficult and put people off.
When I first got in contact with our LA I was told much the same but in a nicer manner, as the others have said it is mainly to see how serious you are.
Persevere with it. Ring other LA or VA's or ring back the LA you phoned and tell them you are serious and you want to attend a information meeting, maybe the person you talked to was having a bad day and took it out on you 
The problem is, there are so many white couples who seem perfect but not enough of mixed race's or ethnic couples and they are the adopters they need more of.
We are going to panel in March and our s/w is really really nice and couldn't of asked for a better s/w, but the other day she was going through our assessment and she said she was very happy with everything but there was one thing bothering her.......
apparently we are too perfect 

Any how best of luck and please don't give up , as I am sure there is a child/ children out there who are waiting for you and your dw to be their mummy and daddy.
Skyblu.xxx


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## Staddybabe (Jan 15, 2012)

this post caught my eye ... I think you should try to go to and information event it will be worth it as often they have parents who have been successful there.  Also there is a book I found really good called An Adoption Diary its an honest account of a mothers journey through the adoption process.  They do try and put you off initially because it is such a tough process, you may find as well they set you some hurdles to overcome... that's what happened to us.  The last hurdle they gave us we just couldn't clear and we'd been told that we wouldn't be approved unless we did.

Every case is different, I know people who have succesfully completed the process. If it's the journey you want to persue then persevere with the process. I wish you all the luck in the world


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I did'nt have this experience at all but all LA's are different. Me and my husband are a few years older than you with limited childcare experience but found the sw we first spoke to very welcoming. I would try other LA's in your area and also bear in mind that this was just one social worker and the LA's other social workers might not be as negative


Its true that due to their difficult starts in life all adopted children will come with some issues but they certainly won't all have disabilites. Its worth talking to a few different LA's and VA's as things do seem to vary a lot. In my LA they have a lot of children available at the moment and don't have enough adopters. Most of the children they have available are 3 and 4 but they do have children under 2. Some LA's may have less of a need and particularly for those who only want a very young child.


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

i dont have any experience of this. my LA was very supportive and so far have not tried to put us off. We have training days coming up and i know that they give us real cases to think about and i guess that is to sift people out and see if you really want to go ahead with this. I suggest going to an open night as i know the one we went to a lady who had just adopted last year spoke and she was very real. See how you both feel after that.


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## Omelette (Nov 28, 2007)

Blimey I thought my hubby had written in - we are slightly older than you and with 3 rounds of IVF but also 5 nieces and nephews, small village, good jobs... We've gone to an agency rather than a LA and apart from the 'lack of experience with children' matter that applies to so many childless couples they have been ok and we go to visit them in Feb. I'd say shop around, responses seem to vary widely. I guess it depends if they have far more adopters on their books than children, or too many of the wrong ethnic mix etc.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

I found our LA very negative and I work for them we opted for a VA they were more supportive and the whole process from initial enquiry to placement was less than 18mnths, if you don't want a baby and are interested in a sibling group look at this option - its still tough though our 7yr old drives us mad daily


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## michelle.v (Nov 14, 2007)

Hi,

We have applied to Foster, and we have been told that our motivation for fostering is an inappropriate way to meet our need for another child!  I really do wonder how any child is ever fostered or adopted   .  I understand that social workers have a really difficult job to do, but would it hurt to be more human and accepting?

Michellex


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

michelle.v., perhaps they feel that you would get too attached and feel you would be better off adopting than fostering? That has happened to other people who post on here.


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Crikey!!!  I  would shop around for a different authority or VA if I were you.  I think that seems a very bleak picture the SW is painting for some reason, although its true these children do not come without difficulties, but not in everycase.  I am going through an LA not where I live and was told that this is a definate plus as they can place one of their children with me, so that might be a good place to start, a little further away from where you live.  I am also 46 (yes ancient)! single, and never had a child, so you would think I am not exactly what they are looking for but from what the social workers have said NOT so!

So please dont give up, just try elsewhere.  best of luck


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