# Not doing so well



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I've been seeing a counsellor for the past few weeks - it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand I think it helps (better than shovelling Prozac down my throat) but it does bring things out. Feeling really at a low right now. Just thinking that whatever I do - I will always be challenged by this situation. For example - latest anxiety - a friend who is 41 has just met a woman (also 41) and they plan to 'go for it'. While I feel so happy that our frined has met someone (and she is LOVELY by the way), I just know they are gonna get preggo quickly. And then I'll have to deal with it. I had a chat with the woman, who said she was sorry to hear about my losses, and she asked if I was still trying. I said no, bit I'm not preventing it. So she said "Maybe we will get pregnant together'.  I just know it won't happen. And while I like her I think this could end up coming between us. I'm so sick of having to deal with this. I could scream!!!! 
Bernie x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ahhh Bernie... there was I too not so long ago.

My 40th is approaching and I am still getting asked on the odd occasion now (not as much as when younger I'll admit)! about when are we going to have a family etc etc. And it stings when couples who have only been together for what feels like seconds get preggers quickly - I remember that sinking feeling in my stomach of having to endure even more rounds of conversation involving pregnancy, babies etc. 

You say you're on tablets, I believe they can help you but talking to like minded people also helps - I'm reaching out to you and letting you know you are most definitely not on your own on this journey honey. I know you're in a very dark place at the moment, but there can be light at the other end of the tunnel. Maybe not in the way you had hoped sweetie... and I am so sorry that you have had to go through this hellish and surreal experience you are going through. We're here to ride the rough waves with you.

Holding you very close and sending you my love and strength
Emcee xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear Bernie,



I really feel for you. I know that awful feeling in the pit of the stomach - like someone's stuck a knife in and twisted it. It is OK to feel bad, and this is without doubt the best place to let it all out. We've all been there and all understand.

If and when you are met with the dreaded announcement, do what someone else on here suggested (sorry, have forgotten who it was) imagine we are all there with you, surrounding you and supporting you. You know what we would say, what we think and how much we all care. We will be there in spirit with you.



Take good care of yourself,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Bernie,

I really feel for you in this time of coming to terms with the end of your struggle to have a family. It is a difficult time to live through. 

Of course, this lady may be lucky, and that will be hard to deal with for you. In which case you will find all the support we can give on this board. Many of us have had to deal with pgs among friends and family once we have had to give up. Meanwhile, I am going to stick my neck out here and suggest that it is not a foregone conclusion that this new woman in your dear friend's life will soon get pregnant. At 41, you know that even if she would have got pg easily in her younger days, her chances of doing so now are not great. Yes, she may be luckier than you, me and the others on this board, but that is nowhere near as likely as if she was 21 or 31. I expect that she knows this too and maybe that is why she has tried to connect with you as somebody she thinks will understand her anxiety about getting pg?

I wonder if the more significant part of your post is when you say "whatever I do - I will always be challenged by this situation" and describe this current situation as your "latest anxiety" ? In these words I think you are sharing that you are worried about how you will cope in the longer term with facing the fact that, whatever happens for these friends, there will be people in your life who get pg, have children and grandchildren. 

This is indeed an ongoing challenge. However it can get easier to deal with as each time passes. I think you are already learning how to deal with it and to conquer it. You are doing really well to be able to feel glad for your old friend's good fortune to find someone to love and to open yourself to making a new friend in her. Some people in our situation are unable to feel such positive connections with other people. I feel sure that you can build on this capacity you have to feel glad for others to carry you through similar difficult times.

It is important to remember that it is quite normal to have mixed feelings when people we care for get to have what we once hoped for. We can feel glad for them whilst also feeling jealousy, envy  and sadness for ourselves. The very best of our friends and the most caring of our family will understand this. Even if none of them appreciate this, you can be sure that your FF on this board do!

With lots of love,

Jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bernie, 

Keep talking and ranting - out of that comes your answer, your strategy that helps you face all this stuff, and my guess is that even though it all looks bleak you are already much better equipped for dealing with this scenario than you realise..... Have a bounce around on the big net for a bit, we're all holding you up! 

love, 

MM xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for your support. It is true that this woman is trying to connect with me - and we connect on so many levels that it would be awful if this stopped our friendship. When she told me that they weren't going to waste any time (though they've only known each other 6 months) the first thing I did was give her a hug and tell her that I hope it all works out for her. I guess I can say the right things and I don't want this issue to close up my heart - I won't allow that. But you are right that I'm worried about how I will always have something like this cropping up. I feel so tired of it. So tired of 'coping'. I want what my friends have and I want it NOW  
I wrote a poem about that feeling when someone tells you they are pregnant:

The Announcement
She didn't have to announce it.
It was there; an undeniable fact
like the sky.

But even if I hadn't seen it -
the subtle arc of her belly -
I'd have known.

Something different about the face;
the rosy cheeks and pallor,
the inward gaze.

Under the table out of sight
I hold my own belly; 
empty as a shell.

And I remember a girl's name,
lost to all the world,
except for me.

'We have some news,' she says.
I force a smile.

That just about says how it feels. 
But I guess you all know that. Thanks for understanding - and being my 'net'.
Bernie x


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Oh Bernie  
Thank you for sharing that lovely poem. It's really poignant ...
I'm so sorry you're not doing so well. I really understand  
Just when I thought all the preg announcements were out of the way I have recently been given the 'news' of 3 more babies on the way..  
Big hugs to you Bernie - you will get through it - the net is bouncy! 
Love R xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Wow Bernie,

What a talent you have there for poetry, it is a very moving poem, thank you so much for sharing it.

I feel sure you will not loose your friends, the way you dealt with this recent news shows that you are a warm person. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

As the others have said, we are here for you.

Love

Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie,

Your poem is beautiful, we feel privileged that you have shared it here in this space with us.

Much love and a gentle hugs winging their way to you,

Emcee x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I'm glad you liked my poem. I find that poetry can say things in a way that is very meaningful and I find that writing poetry (and prose) really helps me put everything into some sort of sense. I belong to a writing circle - but there are some pieces (like this poem) that aren't really appropriate to share at a group like that. 
The other day I had a really good cry - and dh gave me a big cuddle. It did help.
Bernie x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Had to reply- your poem was lovely. i also posted a poem on here a few months back and i think it can be very healing just to write it down. i felt better after i did it.

I hope that you remain friends with this girl and if she does get pg just rem that that stage is actually the shortest(of the whole childhood bit) and then they are just wee kids!! I am trying to think like this for when my sister announces it!!! If this girl is around 40 she will prob only have one so at least you wont have to wait again to hear about another pg.Then of course rem them when the teenage stage hits!!  Have been thru this with my stepdaughter! x


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Bernie

your poem is truely lovely....even if you don't think you are coping, you are doing brilliantly by being so generous in your actions to this lady. One thing I am trying to get to grips with at the moment is the idea that every announcement, swollen belly and birth is a personal attack on me. It clearly isn't, it just feels like it. Every car I see with a 'baby on board' sign hurts, every pram, every car seat. The truth is that it is just people getting on with life, 'living' which we aren't doing, our lives are stalled, waiting, on hold.....until we can get over where we are I guess this will be the case....no body is getting pregnant and giving birth just to hurt or humiliate me, it just feels that way to me....

I don't have any answers I wish I did, I hope you can find peace, I hope I can, and that it stops hurting and life starts again.

With love 
Sugary
xxxx.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi again Bernie,

I have to say again that your poem was so brilliant! With your permission, I would like to share your poem with my family who currently do not seem to understand how I feel about recent pg announcements. Maybe other FF would like to do something sililar?

I understand why you don't feel able to share your poem with your writing group, but I wanted to say that it is so well written that maybe other things things you have written and feel you could share deserve a wider audience that either us here at FF or the writing group. I do think your poem shows more than an expession of personal feeling - I think it shows a real talent for writing. 

I am not an expert on poetry, but I wanted to say how much I appreciated your words.

Thank you again.

RESPECT!

Jq xxx


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## islainireland (May 18, 2006)

Your poem is beautiful and moving, Bernie, tears sprang into my eyes when I read it. You certainly have a talent for writing. 

I once read a book called Luna Yoga (sorry, I don't recall the author's name) and I felt so much comfort after reading the following words, I wrote them into my journal: "What does our fertility entail? Does it not consist of much more than physical fertility? Does it not include our entire power to inspire, create and bring forth?"  

Hope this is helpful to you, too. 

Isla x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Isla,

A great quote, thanks for sharing it.

Love

Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes thanks Isla for those words. And thanks jq for your comments about my poem - I really do appreciate it. But you are on dangerous ground asking for more (!!!) I have plenty! As for showing that one to your family - do go ahead. It is such a thrill that you think it will be useful - cos that is what poetry (for me at least) is all about - communication. 
Lots of love and big  
Bernie xxx


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