# Nursery...or not?



## monkeymooo

Hi all

Apologies I haven't posted in a while.  Life has sort of run away with me, and along with never seeming to find the time to catch up with my favourite TV shows...gutted have no idea what is happening in Towie!   I also never seem to find a moment to come on here.

Anyway, I have a bit of dilemma and was hoping to hear some of your experiences.  Our DS is almost 2 and a half, and he has been with us since July.  Generally he is settling in well - same as all of us we have good days (lots of giggles) and less good days (mini tantrums just started last week, but he's even cute when he's in a strop!), but overall we're doing great and I'm loving being a mummy  

I've taken him to some playgroups where I stay, and he does quite well - I do find myself running around after him, when he snatches toys mainly from cute little baby girls who are minding their own business, but if he's in the right mood he can settle at activities and play quite nicely alongside the others and I can even have a fleeting chat with another mum!

My question is, is it too soon to try him at nursery?  We went to visit our local one and he went straight in and got down with some serious playing, and I loved the atmosphere there. He didn't want to leave.  They have said we can have a place from January, (free 15 hours a week if we want it as he is previously cared for)  I would start off with just a couple of hours and see how we go.  It would give me a nice break, and I could even start a bit of work as the hours increase (I'm self employed massage therapist).  Also the nursery were saying it is good to start them at this age as makes good transition to pre school where there is much less support for them.

However....I mentioned this to our SW and she VERY strongly suggested we should wait at least a year before leaving him at a nursery even for an hour.  She said there is no way that he is attached to us yet  and would feel safe in this environment on his own, and it would be highly stressful for him. (she doesn't know our DS at all really as she is a stand-in SW who has not even met him.)

On the other had, our DS social worker said yes, send him to nursery, but our SW said she is not 'trained' in the specific issues of adopted children and the settling in time they need.

I asked the nursery if we could delay his start to Easter and they said this is not possible, it would have to be Sept 2014 if not Jan.  And now I'm not sure what is best.  I want what is best for our DS and I wouldn't want him to miss out on the benefits I'm sure nursery can bring, but is January too soon?

Would be really grateful for any views on this.

Thanks all!


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## Poppets Mammy

Hello

I'm sure you will get a right mix of replies as there's quite a difference in opinions on this. 

I say it should be judged on an individual basis. You know your child better than the SW's, yes some have good training in attachment theory but it's not the be all and end all.

Poppet can home very beginning of March and we started her at nursery end of June. Some would say that was way too soon but it was the best decision for us. We had a few settling in sessions where I was with her, then I was in the building but out of sight, then eventually left her for 2hrs and built up from there. She now does 3 x 4hrs a week and loves it. She had attended a preschool when with FC so it wasn't totally new to her. I had attended toddler/play groups with her and there were a lot of signs to say she was ready for nursery. I found it really hard to leave her at first as I was so worried whether it was too soon (as the books would say) and although she was obviously a little anxious being left at first we only ever had 1 total melt down at drop off and that was following an unsettling weekend at home. She was always so happy to see I had returned and I think that actually being left and having me return really helped her build that trust in me. She now happily runs off with her friends after giving me a big goodbye cuddle and kiss and then runs to me when I pick her up. She has learnt so much and developed so many benifical skills from going to nursery - I couldn't of really imagined how much she would of benefitted from it but knew it would be good for her. 

She turned 3 in the July so was nearly 3 when started and would of been starting in the September anyway. Plus we wanted her to really adapt and get used to it before I went back to work. 

I know others will totally disagree with what we did but it truely worked for us and was Deff best for poppet. 

I'd take what every one advises you on here then identify what is relavent to your family and make a decision based on that. Everyone's circumstances are different and every child copes differently. 

Good luck
Xx


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## snapdragon

Its difficult isint it. My lo is a few months older than yours and has been with me since January. I haven't started him at nursery yet as I don't think he is ready. I find it very hard to get him to settle and play at toddler groups so will leave it to Easter when he has a place at the local nursery school. From what you say I can't see a problem with you starting him in January. As you said you can try a couple of hours at first and see how it goes. You could always take him out again if he doesn't settle.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

We are having EXACTLY the same dilemma!  

BB came home at the beginning of July aged 27 months and we are looking to start him at Nursery in January with the funding as he is still looked after (until AO is granted).  He will be 3 in April and he's doing really well in toddler group, he also plays nicely with others when we go out to soft play and loves to have other children to run around with.  I think he would benefit from nursery and so would I, as I would have a break for 2 mornings a week.  We planned to try 2 mornings and then when he's 3 make it more often or longer days depending on how it works best for him.

Anyhow, BB's SW isn't 100% happy and our SW has said she thinks it's a really bad idea as he will need longer to attach.  However, our SW hasn't seen him for over 3 months so I don't know what she bases that on. He will have been with us for 6 months and will only be left for 3 hours or so 2 mornings a week.  On the other hand, we went to a Thinking Aloud meeting and the SW who was job shadowing the psychiatrist said she thought nursery might be good for both of us, completely out of the blue as I hadn't suggested it, especially as he seems to be attaching so well and then a couple of weeks ago the Independent Reviewing Officer at our LAC review asked if we'd thought about nursery and thought that it would probably do BB good now as he's becoming more sociable and outgoing.  

Now who do you listen to??  I think you listen to your own heart, you know your child and anyway, it's not as if you'll leave him there screaming and crying for weeks.  I'm going to trust the nursery to tell me if any behaviour is normal for a child being left for the first time or if it's unusual and they think he's unhappy.  We are going for it in Jan and the nursery have been really good & said we can have free taster sessions where we can stay if we prefer to settle him in.  If he seems unsettled we'll stop.

It's really hard, you want to do what's best and yet you get conflicting advice from the 'professionals', what's a muddle!

Good luck!! x xxx


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## Old Timer

You really need to go with your gut feeling on this, if you think he is ready then he probably is - YOU know him better than anyone else now.  If he was with FC they would be allowed to send him to nursery.  Nursery is better than a childminder as there is more structure and it is less like home where an insecure attachment (or a forming attachment) could easily transfer to the childminder.

However, IF you don't have the AO yet you have to go with what the SW decides I'm afraid.  You can argue the case as to why you think it would benefit the child and why you think he is ready but until the AO is through they have the final say.

We were encouraged to send DS to nursery as he had been going 2 days a week while in FC but I had him home with me for 4 months before we started with a 3 hour session.  He loved it and we gradually built the hours up to 2 x 3 hours sessions and then after 12 months he went for the 15 hours as he was 3 and I was back at work.  My DD on the other hand didn't take to being left with anyone other than DH or my Mum until she was almost 3, she had some settling in sessions ready to start pre-school and we had some real problems with these.  She has now settled into pre-school but it took time.

OT x


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## wynnster

You're gonna hate me but, i'd say No......

Honestly, they are only little once and for such a short space of time.  Regardless of how happy they are to leave you, go and play etc the ONLY place they need to be so soon in placement is by your side!

You will reap the benefits later on if you put in the groundwork for that much needed strong foundation.  You need to be their one and only caregiver, you need to be their to wipe away their tears.

Yes i'm sure they will get used to going and fit in with pre-schools routines and learn to conform but there is so much time for all of that.  I would say wait until lo is 3 and has a much better understanding of who 'mummy' is and the role YOU have in their life.  Otherwise you could end up with a lo who see's ALL adults as 'Mummy', after all the ladies at pre-school do all the same jobs as mummy.......

My dd has only just started pre-school and she is almost 3, but has been home for 18months.  Even then I'm wondering if it was too soon!

If you need some 'you' time, the best person to give you that is either dh or nanny/aunty etc that will follow your rules of how to behave with your lo, pre-school will treat them just the same as all children, but, unfortunately adopted children do need to be treated a little differently for a time. 

Best of luck with your decision 

Wynn x


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## Wyxie

I agree with Wynnster on this one too, for largely the same reasons.  

I think unless there is a really strong reason to start them in nursery sooner, it's better to wait.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Arrows

I tried put DS in nursery 2 morning a week at 14mths old after he's been home for 6mths because I returned to work and it was a disaster. They didn't meet his needs and ignored me when I requested a meeting because he was clearly having some attachment issues and not coping with nursery. I wish I hadn't gone back to work so soon but we couldn't afford not to and I was desperate to quit a miserable job and so had to work my 3mths so as not to pay back Adoption Pay. 
I only did nursery for 5wks, then had a close friend who had a son just 6wks older look after him instead and although I got the usual tears when I left he'd calm down and then be fine within minutes. He totally flourished with her and she was really good to keep rules and instructions close to what I did at home (we have very similar parenting styles anyhow). Then after a summer off I returned to work 4days a week. DS goes to a childminder 2*wkly and still goes to my friend 2*wkly.
He's only just starting to show signs of being able to go to a nursery and given my experiences, he'll be starting Sept next year and I'm sticking to childminders in the meantime.

You have to go with what work for your child. Time apart can be a really positive thing if there aren't any issues and you get the chance to be 'you' again. However, be warned that no matter how positive it starts you will likely experience a honeymoon period and then hell before it all settles down. My DS will be 2 in just a few weeks and is a master manipulator! He can put on fake tears/hysterics at the drop of a hat and is very good at attempting to get his own way.
From the sounds of it you have contradictory advice but as someone else said, until the AO is granted you have to carry on 'toeing the line' and jumping through hoops. I'd think carefully about the pros and cons and if you decide it's good for your DS (and all you've said sounds really positive for it working out brilliantly) then you can put forward a reasoned discussion as to why it's in his best interests. If you decide to do that then I'd also look at how you'd deal with any cons so there's no doubt in there minds that you've thought it all through!


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## skyblu

I had a lot of conflicting advice also when I mentioned lo going to nursery.
I can understand why I had a lot of quite negative advice, I put lo into nursery 5 weeks after she came home! Even when I say that(write it)I think my god that was waaay to soon. But, lo was in day care for 8hrs a day 3 days a week and also she had 2 elder sisters to play with. She settled very well with us and we didn't really have any problems with her. After a chat with the sw's and explaining about the amount the time she had been in day care and always having someone to play with, we felt she needed time to play with other children. I took her one morning and she just got right in and really enjoyed. I enrolled her on the understanding that I have a report on behaviour and any problems on each day and if she has any problems settling, then I would be taking her out until September. Also my friend is their nursery helper and I introduced our lo to her a week before for 1hr a day, so at least she would know someone.

It was the best thing I did for our lo, she goes to nursery happily, gives me a big hug and a kiss and comes running out when I pick her up. She will be 3 in Feb 2014 and will be going 5 days after Easter.
You know your lo best and if you feel he is ready, then try it, If things don't go to well then you can always take him out and try again a bit later.
Lo was very good for the first 2 weeks and then would have the odd cry when I left her, this was very positive(so I was told by both the head nursery teacher and hv) as it showed she had formed a attachment to me and was acting just the same as other children. As soon as I was out of sight she would stop crying and was all smiles when I picked her up, and never once did she say something like... mummy naughty for leaving me. She knows that I will always come and pick her up.

Good luck
Skyblu.xxx


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## keemjay

lots of advice. ..plenty to confuse you  


I'm in the 'no' group..Wynn has said pretty much exactly I would have said..


do you need him to go to nursery so that you work at present? Could work wait? I think if there is a 'need' for him to go, then you have to work with that in mind..but if you are going to be at home then personally I woudnt send him. 


Years ago children never went to nursery until they were 3..end of..its only in the recent years that there has been the urge to send babies to nurseries (2 yr old are still really babies, esp adopted ones) it came about to fulfil the needs of working women and also because in the mid 90's schools began whipping off 4 yr olds to school..the pre-schools/nurseries suddenly didnt have enough children so started taking children at 2 and 2 1/2...


does he need to go to nursery at all if he's going to move again to go to pre-school? would that be Sept? if so then i would wait if you can. I dont esp buy into this 'need to have a break/time apart' thing.. this a modern affliction of mothers who feel they cant possibly function in life unless they have 'me time'. How on earth did our mothers cope 30/40 years ago?  Its easy enough to fit in 'having a life' in the evenings or at weekends when partners are around or by using close family members. In any case, early on in placement is the time when you have to knuckle down and put yourself to one side for a while and work on building those solid attachments.  Its a time you will never get back. and it goes SO fast!


as always opinions can differ wildly on this..you have to make up your mind whats best for you all


kj x


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## Dame Edna

Hi Monkey

For some, there is no real choice in this as they have to return to work but for those who remain at home, I am with KJ and Wynn  

My Son was placed under 1 year.  For me, it was really important that I did ALL the real caring stuff for him, bathing, feeding and changing his nappy.  Even at under one, he'd had enough disruption in his little life, it just didn't feel right to let anyone else 'care' for him, and I didn't want anyone getting their hands on my lovely boy    These caring 'jobs' are for Mummy.  My Son was eligible for his 15 hours free nursery place, at 3 but I kept him back until he was 3.5 as I felt it would be beneficial to cement the relationship with me a little longer.  We'd already missed a year of being together afterall  

It's a tricky/ sensitive subject.  I CAN understand why Mums say they enjoy/need the break when they are home 24/7 with really little ones  ,!!!  However, the time does fly by and before you kow it, you have 'your' time again when they are at pre School or School  . Also, you may find that the more time you spend together and the stronger the bond gets, you may eventually feel you do not want to put him in pre school (if finances etc allow).

All the best.  None of this is easy.  Just go with your heart and what you feel is best for your Son.  

X


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## monkeymooo

Many thanks to all for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate hearing your different opinions and experiences.  Lots to mull over!

Now, time to write a big list of pros and cons and have a chat with DH over a glass of wine tonight!
Thanks again ladies
xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I've been pondering this for a couple of days, mainly because I don't want to come across as 'precious' or 'affronted' etc, I hope you know me well enough to know that isn't my intention.

However, I feel portraying mums who send their children to nursery before 3 or before pre-school (if they don't have to go back to work) as women who need 'me time' and making that out to be something bad or negative is a little dismissive.  I don't think anyone on here would send their children to nursery just because they want time to themselves, although I wouldn't condemn them if they did.  I think that a lot of children, even adopted or looked after children, really benefit from the extra stimulation and also the time away from mum or dad, it also teaches them that they are in a stable family where the parent always comes back.  Time to myself (in my opinion) is a happy by-product that I will relish.  However much we wanted our son, (I don't want to sound selfish here) I spent 21 years working, most of that full time and I was just me, or me and husband, we could do our own thing and we had a very different life.  Now, at the age of 41 I have brought my beloved son into our home and taken on an entirely different role, one that comes fairly naturally I'm surprised to say, but I am also a separate entity and I enjoy our time apart.  I hope that doesn't make me sound like an ogre! 

I think that all our children are different and that we will always do our best for them and of course we all have different opinions, that makes the world tick, would be very boring if we all thought the same.  I just was stewing over this and wanted to add the other angle.


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## Arrows

Well said MummyAuntieKatie, I'm sure there are lots of others who agree.


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## skyblu

Well done mummyauntiekatie, very well said. I totally agree. 

Skyblu.xxx


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## wynnster

I for one was not referring to everyone needing 'me' time, I was actually intending to say that, regardless of whether or not YOU want your child to go to nursery/pre-school it is not about YOU anymore!  

It is about a child that NEEDS you! 

Opinions will vary, I appreciate that, but I am not an ogre that thinks all mums shouldn't send their children into pre-school, far from it (my daughter goes!) BUT I do think the early days & months are crucial for attachment and you need to seriously think about the implications of sending your child off to be cared for by (yet another) stranger..........


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## Arrows

It really is such an individual thing isn't it, with our incredible children and unique situations.
So much differs for each of us in work situation, finances, personality, the age and experiences of the children who become ours and the needs they have.

I reckon it's really good that each of us who've commented have thought so much about our own children, experiences and options. I love hearing the different experiences people have had and applying it to my own situations -always good to get different perspectives!

Hope you find the right choice for you Monkeymooo and anyone else facing this decision.


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## keemjay

I presume I am one who has offended..I didnt set out to make anyone feel bad, I merely wanted to put my opinion across, as indeed everyone else did. I certainly didnt set out to make anyone feel bad or be dismissive.  However I do think that early on in placement,at the risk of being repetitive and as Wynn has pointed out it, most certainly time away from the main (new) carer needs to be thought about extremely carefully. I think its really easy to think the child has settled in and is fine and away we go along the 'normal' road of parenting. Its just not that easy and cut and dried in the head of a small newly placed confused child. Just because they are sleeping better or crying less or eating better doesnt mean they have bonded securely. I think possibly its something you only come to realise as you move further along the journey of being an adoptive parent. I'm many years down this path now, have read endlessly and spoken to many many  adoptive parents, and over and over again I hear people say they wished they hadnt rushed things when the children were younger, if they could do it again they'd do it differently. Its not just my own opinion I'm trying to get across its a general consensus from experiences of others too.
on the subject of 'me/break' time I agree its important (i'd go stark raving mad without it and I get very little of it) but its definitely possible to fit it in at the weekends or in the evenings during the early stages of placement (the first 6 months at least)


kj x


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## wynnster

I think you've hit the nail on the head KJ, when ds first came home the advice I got was much the same as what we are giving now and I remember thinking     .................... Now I've become one of those 'know it all's'    
If only I knew then what I know now


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## Poppets Mammy

I think making the decision to send any child to nursery is a very difficult one that many parents stew over and I don't think anyone on this forum would send their adopted child to nursery just because they wanted them too go and I think it's a little patronising to think that we'd be so nieve as to make a big decision like that without putting the childrens needs first.

Don't get me wrong I have great respect for the more experienced adopters who are a few years down the line and we've all received amazing advice from you on a number of occasions and that I'm most thankful for. But when it comes to certain topics, especially nursery/child care realated I do think that some post can be quite judgemental and aggressive almost. I can understand that that you've been there done that and have most likely heard a lot of what we say numerous times and prob think 'Argh why won't they listen' but at the end of the day we all have our own individual lives, our children are all their own little people and we will often have a difference in opinion because of this and disagree on parenting techniques. I think we are all educated people, I think everyone on this thread has a good understanding and knowledge base of attachment theory and will be considering this with every decision based around their child. 

Yes our children are adopted and I will always remeber that especially when choosing on Poppets behalf ie: is that appropriate for her, how will she react to that, do we feel she needs XYZ but I personally also feel that it's not as black and white as 'an adopted child shouldn't do this because. . . .' and I think they need some "normal" parenting thrown in with some sensitive therapeutic parenting. This is hugely because of my experience with Poppet and I don't expect everyone to agree with me or share the same views in regards to their children as we are all in different circumstances. I think parenting is trial and error, especially in those early weeks of placement, we tried different techniques and largely just treating poppet "normally" is what worked best. Yes of course there's exceptions to that and I am constantly reflecting and reviewing on our relationship and tweeking techniques appropriately. We are almost 9months in, I don't think our attachment is totally secure with poppet, there's still insecurities there and areas to build on however it's damn close. She is a very happy little girl, she knows clearly who Mammy and Daddy are, she's learnt about relationships and who are the key ones ie:family and she's learnt to communicate her feelings effectively, if she's having a wobble about something she'll tell me and I'll talk her through it. We've dedicated a lot of time an effort into our relationship with her and sending her to nursery for a few hours a week 4 months into placement has not been detrimental to our relationship in the slightest, infact I think it's been incredibly productive for a number of reasons. We had the backing of all professionals involved and made the decision to send her only for Poppets benefit, it had nothing to do with me wanting 'me time'. We've had nothing but praise from everyone who has been involved with Poppets placement, the professionals, family and friends (who are educated people and a lot who have knowledge on attachment theory themselves) who all think we've done an amazing job in helping poppet adapt and feel safe, we consider her well being with every decision of every day, we are sensitive with her needs however we push her forward as well and challenge her with new situations. I don't regret a thing and I think we are amazing parents to our little girl. We'll have to see if in a few years I'm eating my words and saying 'argh I wished I had listened' but I don't think I will. We've put a lot of groundwork into forming our relationship with poppet regardless of whether she goes to nursery or not and it's already paying off.

You don't have to agree, roll your eyes even, but don't judge me and assume I'm nieve, poorly educated or selfish in sending her to nursery because I'm actually and intelligent and caring mother who has adapted all types of parenting to form a unique approach that benefits my wonderful little girl.

However I have to add, this is my experience and I'm not all **pro nursery** it is a very hard decision to make but only YOU as parents know your child enough to make the decision. I can only share my experience to provide info and a view point, I wouldn't encourage or discourage it as I don't know your child and it's not my place.


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## keemjay

do you know what? I dont have to offer advice on here..i choose to when people ask because I presume they are asking because they want experiences and  points of view from people at all different stages of placement. sometimes that view may come across as jugdemental, it doesnt mean to be but perhaps it does. for me i sometimes reply in a hurry as I'm a busy person like most people so i dont have time to spend hours trying to get the words right. 
these boards only work because people are willing to put their differing views across..new parents and oldies...personally i have plenty of other things i could do that would use my time more productively but I feel the voice of experience is often a good one to hear so i put i my 2 pence worth...
recently there were 19 pages of a support for someone with sleeping problems..there were many posts saying things that might have been taken the wrong way, but they werent, the advice was taken on the chin and hopefully that person appreciated the time and effort taken to respond..however much it might have been something they didnt want to hear.
no we dont all know eachother properly so we have to assume where people are in their journey to understand their adopted childs needs..so take what you want from the advice and if some of it it doesnt apply then move on and enjoy parenting the way you want and that suits your family..if its working thats great, you're doing a fab job, we ALL are doing a great job  


kj x


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## snapdragon

I just want to say I haven't found any of the posts to be judgemental, just different people offering their views and experience. At the end of the day we have to make up our own minds but I welcome the advice of more experienced adopters.


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## wynnster

Thankyou for taking the time to post that KJ, tbh it does make you feel a little 'why do I bother'.......
So, the original posters question -  'Is it too soon?' 

Should I rephrase my response to 'Only you know your child (or do you at only a few months in??) do what is best for you and your family' 

Or 

Shall I give my honest views that only experience can bring you??


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## Dame Edna

On mobile but just offering quick hugs and support for kj.  She may say things in a more straightforward sometimes black and white way than some, but I have to say I tend to agree with her.  Her heart is in the right place.  Let's not become like the AUK boards where only one opinion goes!

Hugs to all who need them.
x


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## crazyspaniel

Just adding my voice to snapdragons, keep the advice coming, plllease....  

DD is almost 3 and due to start pre-sch after Christmas, however her attachment to me does seem to be rather insecure and I'm wondering if this is such a good plan now?!
She's been home 4.5 months and I've not left her with anyone except dh so I do understand the need for a little 'me' time....
Wynnster you're right I don't really know what goes on inside her head, I dearly wish I could take a peek inside there some days!  

They are small such a very short time  

Xx


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## Poppets Mammy

I apologise if I've offended and I most certainly have not intended to or appear to of had a personal attack on KJ.

I for one, as many, have great respect for KJ and the other more experienced adopters who often offer their advise and wisdom, we've all had invaluable support and guidance and this forum is amazing for that.

I know nothing about the AUK, have never used them but most certainly don't want it to appear that I am trying to ram my opinion down anyone's throat or to proclaim that I am right over others because that's actually the point that I am trying to make. No one has all the answers. 

I think we all learn more about our children all the time, they are a growing individual and change all the time and of course the longer they've been in placement the more you really 'know' them. But my point is we don't know each other's children, only the poster knows their own children.

I've had a few PM's from various people on the forum who have felt the same as me and not just over this one thread. I am merely trying to point out that although everyone's opinions are welcome (that's the whole point of such a forum) they can at times appear quite forceful. I know it's sometimes hard to explain things properly on a forum and it's highly likely it is not intended to come across as such, but I think if your going to take the time to post just think about how your response might make others feel when discussing such a sensitive subject such as parenting.

We seemed to of become distracted from the original post and I hope monkeymoo isn't regretting starting this thread


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## MummyAuntieKatie

A heated debate is healthy, as long as we all respect each other.

I think I was just trying to say that sometimes it can feel like one parent tries to tell another that the are wrong, and that is hard to do when you don't know them or their children, adopted or not.  I appreciate everyone's opinion but some parents are less confident and forthright and I think they can feel intimidated.  However, if you want to give extremely forthright advice you can hardly blame anyone for pushing back a little.  Giving others the benefit of your opinion, experiences and wisdom isn't the same as telling someone they are either right or wrong.  I hope that doesn't mean we need to fall out.   

xx


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## Arrows

Perhaps this is where we end the conversation and agree to differences of opinion?! 

It's inevitable that we will disagree but re-reading the posts over the past week especially, a few things are quite clear:

1) we ALL love and want the best for our children
2) we all know that the reality of adopted children is that we have to take into consideration extra issues
3) we all genuinely want to help each other and are great at offering advice from different points of view and in such a way that we try to respect different points of view

As said earlier, we are bound to find some things helpful and others not so. There will be times when we are struggling with an issue or feel judged (whether this is actually the case or strong differences of opinion) and there are bound to be times when we want to scream in frustration because what the other person is saying is so similar to our own experiences that we really, really want them to follow the advice from our experiences.

However rather than let this get any more heated, as clearly people are not going to agree, please can we draw the line and end the discussion? We offer one another such wonderful support on here and I feel it would be such a shame to let a minor disagreement become any bigger.

Hugs to everyone involved in this debate and thanks to everyone for the fantastic support you continue to give.


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## Poppets Mammy

Ok Arrows, final post simply to say line drawn.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope there's no hard feelings as I really do value the support on this forum from EVERYBODY


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## Jules11

This thread has reminded me of my old enemy MUM GUILT  

When I had my DS almost 12 years ago I didn't have the option to take extended mat leave.  He went to nursery at 14 weeks.  My God I suffered and cried my heart out every day dropping him off,  I was totally convinced I'd cause him lifelong damage.  He laughs when I tell him how upset I was, he loved nursery and still has friends he made at nursery.

Fast forward to now and i'm currently at home with my wonderful AD 2 1/2 yr old.  I am regularly asked when I'll be sending her to nursery and don't I worry I'm holding her back  

We always worry we're getting it wrong for our wonderful children.  I talked to hubby about this thread,  he asked if I could imagine a group of men questioning each other about parenting styles and the benefits of nursery.    Sometimes it feels that we mummy's are much harder on ourselves and occasionally each other.

I love this forum and very much welcome the differing views.

Jules xx


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## Wyxie

Just because someone is offering an opinion, it doesn't mean they are being judgemental.  When we make our views and our lives public, whether we like it or not, we are inviting others to offer their opinions and advice, and it's up to us to decide which advice we feel is worth taking and which isn't.  As long as it's done politely, and with respect for others' opinions, I don't see a problem in this.  In fact I think it's healthy.

I do think, however, it is very easy for people to be misunderstood when the only point of reference you have is text.  It is very difficult to reflect tone and inflection into plain text, in particular with people one does not know.

This forum is nothing like AUK.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

Yes, I think the best thing this forum has to offer is the range of views and experiences.

With hindsight, we should have started Bug at nursery earlier, as for him it was the last missing piece which cemented his already strong attachment to us - finally he saw that if we went away for a day, we came back.  Every time.  He started relaxing and has come on leaps and bounds.

I also think that during some of the relentless early days - and I'm talking about maybe months three onwards - when we were secure in our attachment, but he was still struggling to process anger about grieving his foster family, a half day a week of time out for both of us would have helped me be a MUCH better mummy than I was at that time.

But that's me.  And Bug.  And our circumstances.  No-one elses.


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