# Newbie: first time failed ICSI cycle.



## Stini (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi ladies. Am I in the right place? Our first cycle (ICSI) ended yesterday morning with a big heavy bleed, 9dp5dt. Negative test today, but I've got to keep taking the pessaries (while still bleeding) until ODT on Saturday. I hadn't even realised that I could get my period while on the progesterone. 

I haven't really posted on Fertility Friends before - I had another forum that was giving me lots of support, but it's just a subforum of a pregnancy site with seven active posters in LTTTC, and three of them got BFPs in the last two weeks, so I feel a bit out of place just now. I suppose I"m just looking for a bit of fellow-feeling, or some buddies - please do point me in the right direction if there's somewhere else I should be. 

Anyway, just in case I am in the right place, here's my story, briefly. 
TTC for over two years (I'm 33 now). I have stage 2 endometriosis, he has low motility. The NHS waiting list where we live was 23 months long(!), and so we went private after hearing about a new stims trial that was looking for women under 35 and would cover all costs for us. (I suppose we've been pretty lucky and should just think about this trial as a extra free attempt. I know that rationally, just can't think myself into it.) AMH 42.7 without PCOS, so they expected me to respond better to the stims than I did: 14 eggs, but only 6 fertilised, and only one Grade AC blastie was left at day 5. 
My partner and I put loads of effort into trying to connect with the embryo and visualise her - we were talking to her all the time (we called her Dot) and checking in with her. I'd heard it was supposed to help, but it just feels so empty now - we were really picturing this little baby and talking to her, and it's breaking my heart a bit. We'd been really positive about the whole thing up until this point, and now I've kind of crashed. I can't imagine how I'd get into that frame of mind for another cycle. 

Anyway, the NHS waiting list letter came through last week and we've got to the top a year earlier than expected, so at least we know what our next step is. But the thought of going through all of that again is exhausting me right now.


----------



## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Hi stini

Firstly I am so sorry for your failed cycle I know exactly how it feels our first cycle of icsi failed in dec and I was distraught it felt so unfair and raw for the first few months and I know it's a cliche but it does get easier with time.

I am only just getting round to looking at second cycle and investigations as to why it maybe failed now I know I may never get answers but it helps me to deal with things if I feel as though I am doing something.

The best advice I can give you is to take some time for your self, try enjoying other things each other etc and then when you are ready plan your next cycle or step but from experience take one day at a time but I do promise it gets easier

Xxx


----------



## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Hello stini I'm so sorry to hear that your treatment didn't work this time, I know it is hard as my first ivf failed 3 weeks ago so I am sending you a hug  
I hope with time you will feel strong enough to try again and get the happy ending you deserve x


----------



## Stini (Apr 10, 2014)

Thanks Harper. It really means a lot. 
Yesterday, we booked a wee weekend holiday to a house in the hills in Spain for next weekend, to cheer ourselves up, so we will have some sun and some quiet time to think things through. 

I know what you mean about feeling like you're doing something. The time I felt most hopeless in all of this was when a doctor told us there was nothing we could do but wait two years for the IVF waiting list: he was basically taking away the only thing we had that was keeping us positive. 

Lots of luck to you for your second cycle. 
xxx


----------



## Stini (Apr 10, 2014)

Aw, thank you Amy.   Same to you too. xxx


----------



## zozo_lou (Feb 11, 2014)

Hi Stini, 

firstly so sorry to hear about your negative cycle hun, am in exactly the same position...first ICSI cycle failed to work after a BFN yesterday morning and AF turning up in full force today! 

I am feeling exactly the same as u, dont know how I’ll find the energy to go through it all again and then I read all of the success stories after a failed cycle & find a bit of hope deep down somewhere.

This forum has really helped me through everything and hope u find some solace in it too. 

Its good that you had the trials, that is a brilliant way to get an extra go FOC. Where you live how many tries do u get on the nhs? 

Just relax and enjoy yourself on your weekend away and plan your next move. I found the waiting the hardest part about it all. 

xx


----------



## Stini (Apr 10, 2014)

Sorry to hear that, Zozo. Everyone is so nice here!
I'm in Scotland, so we get two shots on the NHS plus any FETs. How about you? What's your next move?

After you said that, I realised I'm really looking forward to a bit of time where TTC doesn't dominate our lives. I'd like to get past this sadness and not be thinking about it for a while. 
xx


----------



## zozo_lou (Feb 11, 2014)

Yeah everyone on here is so lovely & u have a real mixture of people - so it's always easy to get different perspectives on things. 

We are in Cornwall, get 1 shot on the NHS & then a FET and after that we have to pay I think & it's not something we can particularly afford! :-/ we're going to enjoy the summer & then going to make an appointment at the hospital & c when we can get in for our FET. 

You're so right about TTC ruling your life, I found I was almost getting obsessed about it & it just drives you absolutely wild doesn't it? Best thing now is u enjoy your time in between the cycle to focus on having fun & relaxing before it all starts again! So hard not to be 100% disheartened about it though isn't it?! 

Xx


----------



## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Enjoy your weekend away stini.
Time does help and there are so many ladies who have had success after failed treatments that it definitely gives you hope.
Treatment does seem to takeover your life a bit when you are going through it and I am enjoying being back at the gym, going out and having a drink and not eating brazil nuts!
If the doctors say it is ok I know that I will try again because I would rather try and fail than look back and have any regrets about not trying my best.
Take care x


----------

