# Accepting birthday cards/xmas cards from birth parents



## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi,

Just wondered if this has happened to anyone else? I sent letterbox to bp's at the end of september as I hadnt recieved confirmation of this or any letterbox back I phoned today to see what was going on.  I was told bm collected my letter by person from the office so for some reason they hadnt confirmed this, they have recieved a letter from them but also birthday and xmas cards plus a gift token they were in the process of writing to us to ask if we would accept them?

I really dont know what to do for the best as this wasnt part of the agreement but the letter box coordinator says this is quite common and if we dont accept them they will keep the cards on file and send the token back, part of me thinks I should accept them for the sake of our little girl, it was her 2nd birthday saturday just gone, and perhaps put them in her memory box but the gift token just feels wierd.

Dawny
x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi dawny,

we have the same trouble. last year we got cards from cousins etc too, so i said no to those. we purposely picked a time of year that was nothign to do with birthdays and christmas, but they always send christmas cards a b'day cards. even though it was a bit annoying and not part of the agreement i've let that go. it must mean a lot to them to know boo is receiveing them, and will hopefully be good for him when he' older. as for the gift token, if it was me i'd send that back.....bit too weird and inappropriate. at the end of the day do whatever you feel comfortable with.

hope this helps,
ruth


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Dawny

Not been in that situation yet but not ruling it out either!  Anyway, I think I'd accept the cards and put them in her memory box, maybe have a look at them first??, but definately send the gift token back....

Love
OT x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

We too had this problem last year. I agreed to accept them on the condition is was a one-off.
On one hand you don't want these extra things sat in a file for your child to turn around as an adult as ask why you refused them, but also you can't accept endless things that you cannot possibly store forever. We all sign up to an agreement at the start and both sides should stick to it.

I asked the sw involved to write a letter to BF reitterating the agreement made and she did. I got a letter addressed to me, setting out the agreement and saying that BF had been informed of the same. I did keep it handy for when letterbox arrived this year, but thankfully they seem to have got the message.

The thing is, we all want to keep everything from BF, just for the child's sake but realistically we can't keep every single thing if the BF decide to send extra every time. It's not fair and although SS do make us feel guilty and that we should be grateful, we, as the adoptive parents have to stand our ground, and make sure that SS make BF stick to their side of the aggreement, otherwise why should we?


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

funnily enough we've just had to iron out this situation in our contact agreement
birth granny was desperate to send b'day and xmas cards and pressies, she has always done it for the children all the time they were with FC. we do letterbox contact in oct (purposely away from both B'days and xmas) so we have said if she wanted to send a letter back and pop tokens in then she could. we just met her last week for a one-off meeting and she had bought M&S vouchers for both of them and this was when we sorted it all out. i wasnt sure if we'd made the right decision but actually i just bought the children some clothes and bits with the tokens and obviously at the mo birth granny doesnt mean anything to them, but as they are older i think it will be quite nice for them to know she cares this much for them..and they can write thank yous if they want. it will also be a good opener for 'those' conversations i know its not for everyone but i think it will work for us.. at the mo i cant see any drawbacks to it, perhaps i just havent thought of them 
the only thing that made me cross was she insists (and says she will continue to do) on spelling littlies name the 'correct' way (as she puts it) and not the way it is actually spelt..its very strange as when i see it written down its like its a different child..not my littlie at all..i was trying to work out how to word it to her in the letter i'm just doing that i would prefer her to spell it the right way but cant think how to say it..any ideas 

kj x


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Sorry for belated reply but I'm not on here much now.

We have letterbox contact with Birth and Paternal GP's.  One has replied twice and the other set haven't at all.  One GP sent her a Xmas card last year and I did keep it.  Then neither of them bothered responding to my last contact letters, so I'm not sure if they will continue.  

I was going to write to the LA to clarify things as we also agreed contact away from her birthdays and Xmas, but I decided to just keep them for when she's older so as not to confuse her at the time.

It is totally up to us as adoptive parents to make the decision and I don't think anyone should reproach themselves for not wanting to keep things that aren't agreed.  

Carole x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

This is an issue we have had alot of problems with. We no longer accept anything that is not in the agreement it will be sent back and not kept of file. If things are kept on file it means they can potentially send whatever they like and it will just stay there! This is a good will gesture and you can get to the stage where the only people showing good will is you. These are our children and you have to do what is best for them but also what is acceptable to you, otherwise what is the point of signing an agreement! 
Love JD x


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