# All bad?



## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

Reading this forum I have heard a lot of references to AUk so I had a read on there. I have now become quite frightened about adopting! I have read pages and pages of stories of violent and verbal abuse from adoptees even when they were adopted from under 1 year old! Some where they have ended up back in care even though they have been shown love and commitment over years.
There s a section on there for good news, so I thought lets get some balance and read that. It seems good news is when the very bad isn't quite so bad anymore! Like after years of extreme problems we have just gone 2 whole days without any violence - there is light! Yeh!  
I have read people say that if you are put off by this then you were not meant to adopt - well I guess. Then I am put off  
I have a young son and although we are a small family, there is a good atmosphere in our home - we are at peace with each other and there is a lot of love and laughter. Yes I'm scared to risk this. I would like to give this life to another little person and be a slightly bigger happy family and although I know some turbulence is to be expected given the shaky starts these children have had, I was not reckoning on complete turmoil ongoing for years!
What I would like to know is - is that the norm/common outcome? Are there just as many positive stories but no one puts them on forums. I hear(read) positive stories only about panel and matching and brining them home but what about 2/3/4 more years down the line, is it good? Should we carry on?


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

I found that on AUK they all just seem to put the bad stuff. I have a couple of friends who have adopted and although they had had some problems it"s not been as bad as I've read, infact one went back to adopt a 2nd time and quite a few people on here have done the same.  I do believe there will always be problems but I think sometimes it can be how you approach/handle them that makes the difference. Also it can also depend on what background u say u will take a child from. We had to be ruthless with what kind of child we would take as have to think of our son first.

I don't read AUK any more.

Michelle xx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

I think the bottom line is that us families who are getting on ok and generally enjoying life, don't have time to come on and say as much. Adoption UK seems to be a last-ditch place to go for advice, and there are a hardcore bunch who really have had a tough time. 


We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both adopted as babies under 1, and right now, life is great. However, I'm not naive enough to assume that this will always be the case...but I'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.


So in my opinion, STEP AWAY FROM THE ADOPTION UK BOARDS!!


All the best,
Peacelily xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

This thread covers the same. AUK has its place. There are extreme ends of things and yes I believe you have to be aware but not all families turn out that way. I expect there's many adoptive families out there carrying on with life but they know auk is there should they need advice/help. Often the extreme stories (for want of a better word) are those where SSs haven't provided help that was promised at the outset or where budgets are cut. These help me as I'm aware of what services I may need to consult if I ever need to.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=301946.msg5351656#msg5351656
X


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We were signed up to AUK when we first started our adoption journey. I still have a username on there but very rarely use it. It is a good source of information if you are having difficulties.

What I don't like about it is the hardcore group of users who put every difficulty down to the fact their child is adopted. Heaven forbid anyone should say their child doesn't have problems and they try to balance out the negativity. While some users of AUK have balanced opinions regardless of their own circumstances there are some hardcore users who believe they are right in their thinking your child can't be problem free. 

It is far from all doom and gloom. Yes be aware of future difficulties and if there is something in the way a child portrays themselve you are concerned about then seek help. On the flipside try not to over analyse ever little behaviour or mannerism from a child.

I agree with peacelily and step away from those boards, you get a more balanced view on here.


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## scoobydooby (Nov 5, 2013)

I think no matter what topic a forum is about it generally only attracts the people who have had problems, hence why they are visiting a forum. I did take a look at AUK once before we adopted our first because there were things I wanted to look up regarding intro's, that place is so full of negative people, in fact I wonder how some of them manage to cross a road because they read like they will struggle with just about anything in life!

AVOID AVOID AVOID!


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## Belliboo (Dec 23, 2007)

Narnea don't be put off, we now have 2 gorgeous sons through adoption & they are the best thing that happened to us & we have been very lucky to have such smooth placements both times we have had our up & downs during the process but we have been very blessed with 2 gorgeous sons so don't be out off, our first AS has been with us 2 & half years & we've not had any problems up to now so don't be put off xxx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi Narnea

I too like you came across AUK when we were first thinking about adoption and it does paint a fairly bleak picture of the process and the children involved in that process. As many others have already said I would give it a miss and look elsewhere including here for some balanced views. I originally subscribed to AUK and get their adoption magazine every two months, I have to say that it too seems to always have a focus on the difficulties with few examples of success stories. AUK has it's place and its good to know that it's there should you ever need advice, if and it's a big if your child or children are having issues that you need help with. 

We know a number of people including a couple who are friends who have adopted, yes there can be difficult behaviour, particularly initially, yes there can be hard times and yes things don't always work out as you'd like them too, but couldn't all this be said for having your own birth children too, my friends tell me that's the case and to be honest we don't see those that we know who have adopted as being any different to those friends we know who haven't, it's just the trials and tribulations of family life. The only real difference is how the family came to be and how you approach parenting. 

Try to talk to others and get more information before you decide.


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## Rachel B (Apr 2, 2005)

In defence of the AUK site.....I have received some very helpful and thoughtful advice and, if you are having difficulties, it is a good source of information.


I completely understand that it can seem a bit depressing and negative, but as others have said people are more likely to visit forums when they are having a tricky time.


I was placed with 2 "straightforward" and "easy to place" siblings aged 4 and 1.  I love them to pieces but we have major sleep issues, control/defiance, impulsiveness, speech and learning difficulties to deal with on a daily basis.  And it's in relation to these issues that I have found some good advice on the AUK forum.


I would judge ours to be a fairly average adoption in terms of the difficulties we deal with (and I am 99% certain all our issues are due to our children's early life experiences). Some people may be very lucky, with no real problems, but even they will still have a child that has been removed at least once (from birth mother) and probably twice (from foster carer too).  I don't think that can have zero impact on a child.


Anyway, I really just wanted to say don't assume it's all bad, but equally don't assume it will all be plain sailing either.  It can be hard going but it is worth it!




Rachel B x


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I must say I was told to keep away from auk. And as such have only ever visited it once. I find ff has always been there for me when I was going through Ivf and gave me the support and guidance when needed then, and ff hasn't let me down now I am an adoptive mummy.    I love you all


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I think there can be some really great advice on Adoption UK - and I think it is a good to learn from people where things have gone wrong, to see if there are different ways of parenting that can help prevent some of the difficulties.  

I remember reading somewhere (probably AUK), that a third of adopted children have severe problems, a third have significant problems and the last third have some problems (like all children), but are probably managing well in a family environment - if this is true, it would suggest that about 2/3 of adopted children will have fairly significant difficulties.  However, I don't think this needs to all be doom and gloom and will very much depend on your expectations.  I have friends with pre-school children who are already stressing about how to get their children into the local grammar school and at what age they will start private tuition - my hopes for my adopted son are much more modest and after his difficult start in life, every small achievement seems fantastic.  

Adoption is full of uncertainty though - the little boy we adopted was considered hard to place due to complex medical and family background and he had been turned down by a few other potential adopters.  However, he is doing incredibly well and is exceeding all expectations - and we've had no behavioural problems more extreme than the usual toddler contrariness.  I've used lots of the Adoption UK advice and have tried to parent as therapeutically as possible, the house is a plastic bombsite as I've spent so much time playing and doing theraplay activities and I really strictly funelled his care for the first few months - and I do think this has really helped him settle so well.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Rachel!!!!! hellooooo!   we lost touch! 
lovely to 'see' you and hear your news 
kj xxxx


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## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

Thank you everybody, I do feel a little more positive now. I am not expecting plain sailing and am prepared to give the time and effort but just couldn't bare the thought of it all being for nothing - it would be a terrible thing to regret!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I've looked on those boards too and didn't sign up! But to be honest this was mainly due to the attacking style some of the users seem to use and anyone who had a different view or made an unwelcome suggestion was shot down in flames! It was like some of the threads on netmums


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

PS. definitely not all for nothing - I have two beautiful littlies and whilst I anticipate turbulence in their teens, aren't all teenagers fairly horrid?! I was!


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Narnea I could have wrote that post myself I'm in the exact same position as you and feel the same we have a bc and just had failed ivf so want to look at adoption and all the stories are so negative so it's great so see some positivity on this thread 

Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

We are 7 months in with our 3yr old dd and have a bs who is 9.
We have had some lovely times but also some very difficult times.
We were very careful when looking at profiles and were realistic about what our bs would cope with and what kind of children could thrive in our home.
Dd was a  'straightforward' child, well attached to fcs, no problems at all....
This has not turned out to be quite the case! Maybe her issues were spotted previously, maybe they only came to the surface since moving to us, we'll never really know I guess.
This has all had and continues to have a major impact on our family, ds struccles at times with the disruption dd causes daily although it is clear he also loves her very much.
She is part of our family now and we will continue to try and help her BUT I just wanted to say you have to be aware that problems can arise that you were not expecting!
As for how long will her difficulties continue who knows but current thinking is it will be a long process which could last at least as long as it took for the damage to be inflicted, so almost 3 yrs.

Really,really don't want to be negative or put anyone off. I wish you all lots of luck!! 
Xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Narnea, no it's not all bad.  I had a horrendous day yesterday, a real bad-mummy-bad-boy day.  *eyeroll*  My day today still started with cuddles and I love you, Bug/I wuv you mummy.  He still picked up something I dropped and went, "there you go, mummy!" and he still (naughtily) crept into the utility room to get something he wasn't supposed to have and then bargained with all cuteness guns blazing to keep it.  He still cracked jokes in the car on the way to childminder, gave me and Daddy a big smacking kiss and then happily ran off to play.

I still love him, and I'm utterly certain he loves me.

Bug attached quicker, learned quicker, improved quicker than expected in every way on placement.  We had battles, but to my mind they were normal two year old battles (he's now 3) with the added element of angst from grieving foster family and our own emotional insecurity/culture shock.  I've since learned our SWer thinks placing 2yos is one of the hardest things for adopters to do!  The Terrible Twos is no joke....  

Bug was hard to place because of family history/background issues not directly applied to him.  To us, those issues just made us more determined to bring him home to us.

He has no developmental delay, no age-inappropriate behaviour issues, no ongoing health issues.  To us, he is perfect in every way.  If, later on, he develops issues or challenging behaviours, he will still, to us, be perfect in every way.

At our second session, our SWer had me pegged, and warned me to NEVER read AUK.  Or The Primal Wound.


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi - It's certainly not all bad. Our Ds was 18mths at placement and it is clear he is damaged and fragile because of what happened to him as a baby. We have some minor issues around food, some problems around control but at home our life is pretty normal and we have lots of love, laughs and fun.
We do have problems with school who just can't get their heads around attachment and fail to understand why my ds can be impulsive and attention seeking at school. They manage him though .... Academically he is doing great and he is a fab little boy. As I say he does have some problems that we are currently seeking some therapy for, but our problems (at this point in time) are not affecting our lives in any big way. I do worry about the future but who doesn't?
It has been bl**dy hard but well worth it ...


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## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

I'm up and down on it, before I had bs I would have gone for it no problem - troubled sibling group - easy  
How could I live with myself if I did this and my son got damaged because of it? What if I can't love ac as much as bs and I manage to screw them both up? So scary


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

narnea thats exactly how i feel and i worry that we have a perfect child we could end up ruining but as much as there are horror stories where this has happened i am sure there are many more where it has been successful so maybe it shouldn't put us off.

I will have to be totally honest about what we can and can't deal with and hope they understand our decisions and agree as surely they also have a duty of care to bc even if it means we wait longer i would rather do that for the right child for all involved.


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## Narnea (May 20, 2010)

Harper14- you do sound in exactly the same boat as me, we just finished failed ivf too. Can't take anymore drugs or life in limbo land and had always considered adoption before I had my own. I would love to keep hearing how you are getting along with everything. 
Currently we are waiting for a call back with our first sw visit. We told them we had done ivf but they didn't ask how long ago, only was it over? So we may be going straight in!
All the best with your decision


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Oh that would be good if you could start straight away

Sorry to hear about your failed ivf it's such a low point so totally understand how you feel. I was the same we actually considered adoption first as ivf seen many friends go through the heart ache of ivf and I really didn't think it would be for us but then we decided to try and unfortunately we were not succesful we still have a lot if blasts in the freezer which I know some would say we were so fortunate but I can't think about going through it again for it to fail I would much rather Persue this option whilst enjoying our bc in the meantime as the past 2 years have been about Ttc. 

Have you gone la or va?


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Narnea

I don't want to put a downer on things but I don't think you'll be able to start straight away. Most agencies will want you to wait between 6-12months from finishing treatment.
If they let you go ahead straight away then thats great but there is a high chance they will ask you to wait.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We contacted our la and specifically asked about length of time from ivf before applying and they don't have any set rules. They said each case would be judged individually. We have our initial home visit on Monday so I'm desperately hoping we can then formally apply as definitely feel more than ready to move on. We've already missed so many years that we could have been a family that we just want to get on with it. Our last ivf was November although we went into it with no hope it was like a box ticking exercise for us. We'd always said we would try 3 times and wanted to do that so we would have no opportunity for regret in the future but we knew it wasn't going to work.
It's a shame agencies have hard and fast rules like that because everybody is so different, there are some I'm sure who aren't ready even after a year and others much sooner. 
I guess we'll find out Monday if they're true to their word.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Tbh ladies, our experience showed the rules weren't hard and fast. Some said 6 months, some said 12 but a lot said its on an individual basis. Some do a 1st appt, discuss it at great length and then make the judgement if you are ready. In the end we waited 3 months. i needed that period and wouldnt have been ready with a shorter time. i tried to be proactive and I did a lot to help 'prove' I was ready. I carried on with my counselling and read, read, read alot about grief and moving on. They discussed this lot and it seemed to help in their decision.


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Becs that's good that you can hopefully start straightaway I def feel like I'm ready but also glad of a little break we have holidays booked and going to enjoy our bc I have the open evening in april so I think by the we will def be ready and maybe they can bring it forward. It's exciting we're all starting this journey I look forward to seeing how you get on.

I found the drug side of ivf very easy and the check ups it was when we got a bfp which then went to bfn the feeling of totally emptiness and such a low point I never want to be there again even though there a strong chance it could work as I have so many blasts in the freezer I just don't want to put ourselves through it

This has gave me hope and feel like it's def the right route for us .....very excited 

Xx


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