# How do i ask???



## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

I just wanted peoples advice really. I feel like i am in a desperate situation at the mo. we had a failed cycle last year and im desperate to have another go but we racked up £16,000 debt with the last tx so cant afford any more tx.
My mum and step dad are comfortable as are my dad and step mum and my grandparents but none of them have helped us financially. You see i feel like my mum is using my need to lose weight as a bargaining tool. We are entitled to NHS help, 3 goes in fact, but i have to lose 4 stone first. That will take a while and i dont anticipate to be able to have nhs tx for at least 18 months. 

We are going to Cyprus in a few weeks for a friends wedding and there is a clinic there that i was kind of interested in and it would cost £5000 all in. We could prob scrab together 1000 so would be 4000 short. Part of me feels its kind of meant to be as we could go to the clinic get the meds and then do tx in August and return to cyprus in August/September. BUT we cant add any more to our debt and cant manage any more debt tbh so i suppose how do i approach the subject of asking for a gift from my family? 
I have a grandad too who is quite wealthy but we hardly see eachother, he doesnt really bother about me. Im so desperate i feel like writing him a heart felt letter telling him about our situation as well as an update on what we've been doing and seeing if he might give us some money. Is this cheeky?
I just dont know what to do. I know i need to get on with losing the weight which i am trying to do but want to try treatment in the meantime. Oh this is so hard!!!

Sarah xx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Sarah,

We crossed paths last year when we were both cycling at ARGC.  I understand exactly how you are feeling. When I approached the NHS, I was advised that I had to lose 4 and 1/2 stone.  My BMI was almost 38, so a lot of weight loss had to be achieved.  Although it was very difficult, I joined Weight Watchers and took one year out to do this. My first NHS cycle, my BMI was 29.5.

Although none of our NHS rounds were successful, it allowed us to save the money that we needed for ARGC.  When I did my ARGC cycle my BMI was 30.9 and thankfully a success.  I always felt that at least when I was dieting, I was doing something positive against my battle with infertility.  Also, bear in mind that all clinics, private or not would prefer your BMI to be lower to aid the whole process.

Without sounding patroninsing, you have youth on your side and I'm sure your GP would put you on the waiting list if they see that the weight is coming off.  
Wish you the best for the future.
Dee


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## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

Hi Dee, yes of cour i remember you, you must be very close to having your little one now. 
I understand what tou are saying but im struggling big time with the whole diet thing. Think im fighting with myself. I know what i have to do but am being stubborn. Its harsh but i wouldnt have to go through this if my dh had great swimmers but he doesnt. I think i deep down resent him for that and i no i shouldnt but i cant help it. We are in that situation where im stopping him having children and hes stopping me. Its like we are on a merry go round at the moment.
I dis decide though that im going to slimming world as thats worked in the past so will be starting next week! Oh the joys of having the lose weight. Ive beenrestricted too as i fractured my wrist so havent been able to do any proper exercise which has been plop!!

Sarah xx


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## millymolly8 (Feb 21, 2010)

Hi

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. This whole infertility thing is so hard. I hope what I am about to say doesn't offend you or anyone reading - I don't post very often because I am worried that I might&#8230;.

I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of wanting to do another cycle and with you going to Cyprus it all seems right to you that this clinic can treat you this year

When I had my first treatment in 2010, I thought it was going to be a breeze, the clinic didn't foresee any problems with me - and the only problem was my partner. I used to walk to work going over our fertility problems in our head, getting angry because he was the one with the problems, and I was the one snorting stuff and injecting things into my body - and he did nothing! In the end, it turned out I was a poor responder and my eggs were dodgy as well - so we both had a problem! After our first failed cycle, the clinic basically said we could try again, but they only thought there would be success if I responded better. They also suggested that we brought my partners frozen sperm over from SA, but said we could try with fresh again, but had a very low chance of success with that option. I remember driving home, pleading with my partner to let us do another cycle straight away, as even tho I knew the cycle had a 1% chance of working, I was desperate to start another cycle, I just wanted a baby, and the thought of trying to work out how to transport the 'good stuff' to the UK and the length of time it would take, seemed like a lifetime.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that we all get desperate from time to time and we just want to do it now and we just want it to work even tho we know in the back of our mind, that it may not work.

You say you have 4 stone to lose, and yes, it will be a lot of hard work to lose that, I had to lose three stone. But if you think about it, there is about 12/13 weeks until end August. If you could lose 1 pound a week - give or take, that is almost a stone you could lose by then (I know it can be harder than that) - but bear with meJ. I'm just trying to make it look a little easier&#8230;.

You say you a are stubborn, your mother has tried to put a carrot in front of you by offering money if you lose weight, I don't like been given terms and conditions on things, but why don't you approach her with a plan of your own? Maybe for every stone you lose, she gives you X amount of money - that way, you see that money in a special IVF account and that may give you more incentive to lose some more weight. At least then, it makes you feel like you have control of this situation. Also, during this time, why not contact your Granddad, not to ask for money, but just to build some sort of relationship. Then maybe in six months or so, it might feel it bit more easier to ask for money?

End of the day, as Dee said, you do have time on your side, which I know you probably hate to hear, cause all you want is a baby, but you do have a couple of positives here.

1. You get three goes on the NHS - that is awesome - some people only get one try, some people get none. And all you need to do to get those three tries is to lose weight - I know it is not as easy as that - but I am sure there are heaps of people who would do anything to get three tries.
2. You're 26 
3. Your mum has offered you money to help with a cycle

Believe me, I know it isn't as easy as all that and it is very easy for me to write it all down on paper (esp as I don't know you), this whole process is so unfair, especially when you see people getting pregnant at the drop of a hat, but unfortunately we just have to accept what has been thrown at us and make the best out of a poor situation.

I hope things become clearer for you over the coming months and I wish you all the success in the world in whatever you decide.

Milly


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## JessicaUK123 (Nov 12, 2011)

I lost 8 stone to get our two free NHS tries, it took about 18 months of eating little and doing as much as I could (I HATE exercise) and believe me that wasn't much, I walk the dog for 45 mins every day, anything beyond that is a massive bonus! Calorie counting and planning, weight loss is easy when you want it and I WANT children, it wasn't a difficult choice, eat a biscuit or have a baby... that's what it boils down too! I have ruined my body the excess skin, wrinkling and droopy boobs are absolutely disgusting but totally worth it if my chances of getting and staying pregnant are increased. I also want to enjoy my baby if/when I achieve one! If food is more important than having children perhaps you aren't ready! Accumulating £16000 worth of debt before you have a child isn't going to make new parenting easy either, new babies are expensive! I know this sounds harsh but I am also aware its a hard enough journey without money worries and weight issues, don't make it harder for yourself than it needs to be! x


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi, I feel for you, ivf money is such a tough one, it's so very expensive and when funds are tight it's difficult to see how it can ever be found. Have a very frank chat with your mum and see what she says. In terms of losing weight I would highly recommend slimming world, I've done that one in the past and lost 2/3 lbs a week for the first month then down to an even lb a week. The consultants are always very supportive too, I should know I've swapped a few classes over the years although I've been happy wih my weight for along while now so don't go any more. Take up some exercise too, even if it's only a 20 minute jog a day with hubby, that will help immensely. Get a skipping rope and see if you can skip for 10 minutes a day etc, take trainers to work and walk around the block at lunch time etc, just little things that can really help get you kick started.


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## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

MillyMollyMandi - thank you so much for your reply. you didnt offend me at all it was very constructive. My mother hasnt offered me any money to help but i think perhaps would if i were smaller. I have spent the last few days having "my last supper" haha! and tonight am biting the bullet and attending slimming world so its the first step i suppose. I wish you lots of luck too.

Jessica123UK - whilst i understand the harsh realitites of the current situation i think perhaps questioning if having a child is the right thing is a little too far for someone who doesnt know me at all and you are basing your assumptions off of one comment i have written. You did very well to lose 8 stone and for you im sure it was difficult but for me it isnt about choosing between food and a baby. Its the rest of the emotional stuff that comes with it. And also there is nothing to say that people who are overweight cant enjoy their children equally as much as someone who is of a healthy BMI, that is merely summising. I am also aware of the expense of having children and equally as not knowing me, you dont know the depths of my finances but i do appreciate what you are saying regarding the cost. As for the journey, yes it is hard, weve had one failed cycle already and tbh i found it quite an educating experience and have no negativity towards what happened. For me the weight is an issue and its not as easy as just saying dont make it difficult when it already is. Felt slightly patronised but thanks for your input 

Raspberrytipple - Whilst talking to my mum seems a good prospect in reality its a bad idea!! Shes not the most approachable person in the world!! I too have attended slimming world in the past and lost weight so this time i need to remember why im attending. Im sure i will have my good weeks and bad weeks but its all part of the journey i suppose. I have fractured my wrist at the moment so any exercise is a no no but will be having cast removed next week so will be all systmems go. I do actually really enjoy the gym and have had my initial appointment with a personal trainer who said i was quite physically fit so that perked me up!! All that gyming it pre fracture has obviously done something! Thanks for your kind words though.

Sarah x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

sarah good luck with your eight loss, i also struggle, but at the end of the day it is only us who can do anything about the weight loss. I am a nurse and even with a  cast on your wrist you can exercise if you want, you can walk brisk for and hour do floor exercises to tone up- anything is better than nothing. I got a personal trainer even though it is expensive but it can kick start me, pre IVF i lost 25 lbs on Weightwatcher, then with every cycle of IVF you put 1/2- a stone on (and I have had 8!!) and never really shifting it all before cycling again. To be fair I have never been asked about my weight at a private clinic even though my BMI was around 30 ish and over now. For a drastic and sharp weight loss I did Lighterlife and lost over 2 stone in a month, my friend has lost  a stone on Slimming World in 3 weeks. I guess some are healthier options than others but it is the support and commitment to yourself and others in the same boat that helps.  (For Lighterlife you aren't allowed to exercise for a  few weeks!!) 
Good Luck


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## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

JJ1- thanks for your reply. I did exercise to begin with but my arm was swelling and causing my hands to go blue so was advised not to do any physical exersion by the doc. It was only 4 weeks though so no too drastic. Cast all off now and wrist still painful so going to do swimming to strenghten the wrist before going back to the gym. Ive joined slimming world and feeling very positive about that. Off to best friends wedding abroad next week so cant wait to just relax and get some vit D

Sarah


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Sarah,

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck with the weight loss, believe me I have struggled and have a lovely holiday.  

Stacey
X


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