# My First Christening



## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi, 

This weekend we are going to a christening of a friends' baby and I must admit that I'm dreading it. 

Our friend's brother, partner and 9 month old baby will be staying with us as we live close to the church and all they can do is talk about the baby, their lives revolve around him and they can't talk about anything other than babies or pregnancies or what achievements he's made. I understand why they're like this as their first baby was stillborn and I feel like such a horrible person that this is so hard for me to deal with. We have been told about his routine and have been instructed on how we should behave in the house when he's here and I just feel really resentful towards them. I've always been ok, we were both so happy when they had this baby after their horrendous experience and have always enjoyed their company - this is really unusual for me to be like this and I hate it. 

In addition, the 2 brothers and sister all had their babies within a month of each other so the christening will just be full of babies and pregnancies and baby talk and I'm really not sure how I'll handle it. I am getting really paranoid in case anyone asks me whether I'm pregnant or if we're planning children - dh just says we're not interested, then we get that "oh, you'll change your mind one day" which seems to string the conversation out. Does anyone have any advice on how to respond to this questioning?

I hate this i-f, 2 years ago I could have gone along and been absolutely fine and I'm so annoyed that this has changed my personality and make me so selfish and resentful of my friends. I haven't been well so could use that as an excuse not to go, but then the i-f would have won and I won't let that happen.

I'm so sorry to be so self-pitying when you're all going through so much at the moment but I'm really scaring myself with my reaction to this and the level at which my personality has been altered. 

Thanks for listening. 

Sam
xxxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Sam

Firstly - they are guests! It is up to them to fit round your routine not the other way round. I wouldn't go to someone elses house and tell them how to run it and what to do. 

I too hate christenings and such like. I had a dreadful experience at my last one which I won't go into now but needless to say I swore I would never attend another one.

It might be worth explaining to your 'friends' that you are finding baby talk hard, and answer probing questions with not so subtle replies. 

My favourite  response to the "so when are you having children?" is usually a long the lines of "well when we leave this party full of ignorant and rude people behind we will start working on it"   (usually only said after one or two bottles of wine though!) 

The truth is though that i don't think it does become any easier, we just force ourselves through it and over time our skins become that little bit thicker. Make sure you have some prepared excuse to "pop back to the house" in case it all gets a bit much, but most of all make sure that you have some understanding people around you who can deflect the worst of the comments/people.

Take care
Debs


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Sam, how did you get on at the christening

My last Christening was in Oct 2003 and i went alone. My best friend had cancer and had this baby thru surrogacy so i felt she had been thru enough. I went alone tho as i didnt feel i could cope with my dh looking at me every minute to check if i was going to burst into tears! After a few weeks tho he told me he was really quite annoyed that i went alone but i explained why.

Then last year when we were going thu iui we were invited to dh's NIECES christening of her baby.I had only met this girl once at our wedding and i told him i really couldnt go.He went with my stepdaughter.Then another one came up again in May(just after my 2nd iui) - again another niece of his WHO WE DONT LIKE !!! and again i refused to go.He went on his own this time.We never see his niece from one day to the next and there was no way i was going to see her smug face(and she is one of those smug people i can tell you). I felt bad that dh had to go alone but i knew that he would be more embarrassed if i broke down in tears in front of all his family so it was better in the long run.

My sister is getting married in Aug and will ttc staright away so that will probably be my next big test.I will have to cope with it but that is a year away so maybe i will be stronger by then. 

I hope you are ok and you are brave to go. xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Sam
I can totally empathise with your situation and as Debbie and Irisheyes have pointed out that you are not alone...
Firstly i agree with Debbie it is your house and they are your guests and so they have to follow what you want in your own home......the other option is booking a room in a hotel, remember you are being hospitable as it is...
As far as feeling angry and upset this is quite normal and IF brings out so many different sides of our personalities that can be a surprise even to ourselves. The hurt goes so deep and that can only be understood by women/men in the same situation. Debbie do not be hard on yourself its because it does flipping hurt. A Christening is about a celebration and when you haven't got children you feel so left out and it is like another stab in the heart. 
My question is if the shoe was on the other foot how would they react if they were in your situation? i would say exactly how you are feeling at the moment. I think all this baby talk is just irritating and as Flipper mentioned in another post 'boring, boring, boring'.
Now what is it that you want to do? Can you talk with your hubby as Irisheyes did and work out a plan that suits you both. I don't think it helps that they are staying with you, so its not as if you can get away from it...
Have you thought about sitting at the back of the church and so if it gets abit to much you can go out for some fresh air...at the party or in your house maybe just go in another room and take a breather...
If you explain to your friends would they understand your situation or will it fall on deaf ears..
Maybe try and get through this one and next time work out what is best for you and 'not them'...
I recently went to a christening but only turned up to the function afterwards. I felt in control and as far as i was concerned i did the best that i could cope with....if they don't like it then maybe you need to think to yourself are they worth it?
The other side of things i wonder if they do really miss us, because they are so busy talking to others. I feel better that i am not the most significant person there and so i can bunk off when i feel like it...
Sam its about protecting yourself and maybe thinking about a coping strategy for the future...its their christening and their lives what about yours? just do what you can, once you have that in place you will start to feel better...
Hey Sam i have been awful over the years but i put it down to something out of my control....its a horrible place to be and you will find who your real friends are  and then you will not find yourself in to many uncomprising sitations in the future... 
We think because we are going through IF that we have to be extra nice and make an effort to go to christenings, birthdays etc....well all it does is add to our pain...I think anyone going through a traumatic event in their life can only cope with so much and if anyone who had a heart they would understand that...
It does ease with time....when you get alittle stronger and understand your own limitations...

love astridxx


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## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

My husband and i were invited to a christening the mum new we both had problems but my dh didn't know I had told them.  I got through it ok the mum gave me her daughter to hug and feed lunch and we payed so much attention to the baby and the family's day it was a very enjoyable day it was when I got home the that's not fair came to get me.  Also this was a good year ago this year my best friend had a little girl ( the last of my friends to have a child) she wanted me to go to the christening so much because she wanted me to be a big part of her daughters life. we were out of the country and to be honest I was so glad because know after 2 failed IVF I would have broke down at the christening because people will ask you at a christening when you having them as we are both in our mid 30"s
So time changes and emotions change and now I feel I am very weak and not strong enough to pretend my life is rosy.


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## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi, 

Apologies for not sending in an update but have been a bit poorlyover the last few weeks and haven't logged on that often!

well - the christening was really surreal and not what I expected at all! DH & I were among a few childfree couples there and the mood was really in "our" favour! Our friends who stayed were quite nauseating with their child but the parents of the christened child said how envious of us they were, as we were all talking of future plans - I didn't realise quite how stuck they saw themselves with regards to moving etc due to school catchment areas, good playgroups and doctors surgeries. They were really upset that they couldn't make various social events we were talking about, as they couldn't get big enough hotel rooms and had decided that they wouldn't attend weddings etc as the new baby is a bit screamy. In addition, my female friend was saying how isolated she felt and how sick she was of talking about babies all the time. 

The thing that really surprised me was just how, although our friends adore their children, they seemed to be slightly regretful about giving up the flexibility and spontaneity of a childfree life; it's the first time I've seen parents brave enough to even hint that having babies is not all Nigella Lawson, home baked cakes and pastel clothing. Felt quite shocked that I could be envied rather than being envious. 

Still, my best friend & his wife have only 6 weeks to go until their first child is born so am still really nervous and worried as to how I'll be then - although the christening has helped me change some of my view I still know that this whole situation has the ability to jump up and bite me at times. 

Take care

SAm
xxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Glad you survivrd the christening and it even turned out better than expected!

I told you that i missed 2 last year as i just couldnt face them. Well as i was driving my mil into town last week she mentionned that her grandaughter was due that day. I did a double take and said " but werent you just at her christening last year" - to which she replied " oh yes but shes having another one!!!!"   Well i was gob smacked - then of course when it sunk in i started to worry about whether i really had an excuse not to go to this one (as not going thru treatment now). I think i am in a better place to cope with it than i was a year ago but still dont know how i would feel on the day.

I am hoping we dont even get invited - afterall they cant keep having a big christening forever. The first i get but after that. Dh hasnt even mentionned to me that she was pg!!! Its only his nieces child anyway so dont feel the need to go personally. Only met her once at our wedding!! Oh well maybe i can pretend to be away that day. Altho it would help prepare me for when my sis has one as she will probably ask me to be godmother!!!!


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Sam
I just wanted to say that sometimes the anticipation of these events is sometimes worse than the actual thing... I know that you will probably spend the entire day holding back tears and thinking rather evil thoughts about everyone around you, but you will get through the day you never know you may even allow yourself to enjoy a few minutes of it here and there... thats what we do, because we have to, we put on our brave "normal" faces and just get on with it.
You will be a marvellous hostess and will probably keep yourself busy running around after everyone (rather than let the baby get anywhere near you!) and when they all leave and go home you will no doubt have a good cry and swear about your life!
We all know how your feeling sweetheart and events like these don't make our lives any easier but you will get through it.
I know it's hard but try not to get yourself wound up, these things are a bit like rollercoasters .... the anticipation is often far worse than the reality of the ride .....I think sometimes we fear the worst to prepare ourselves but I'm sure it won't be as bad as you expect .... if it is .... we will be here to put you back together again.
Try to enjoy it, Lots of love
Dydie xxxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

That will teach me for not reading all the posts  
I did not realise you had already had the christening  
anyway ... I told you it would not be as bad as you thought  
Glad you survived and we don't need to come and find all your body parts
to put you back together again!!
Dydie xx

ps I will read all the posts in future


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

In mid-May we are going to our first christening since the IVF failed for us. I'm sure it's going to be really hard as these are the same friends we have to ask to stop talking about their baby all the time. Plus all their friends have been dropping babies like crazy, so I can only imagine how many children will be there, and how often we're going to be asked THE question and have thoughtless comments when we reply that we don't have children.

Only a month to go. Will I have enough time to build a strong, protective wall around my body, heart and soul in order to be able to cope with it?!?!?

Love
Katherine


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thinking of you Katherine. Just do what you can.I went to a christening on my own once without dh as i knew he would be constantly watching to see if i was ok.It was my best friends baby and it was a surrogate baby as she couldnt have any so i was happy for her. later on tho dh mentionned he was upset that i went alone as he felt we should have faced it together.

however last year he went to 2 on his own- as i mentionned earlier and as i was going thru iui couldnt face it.I felt bad making him go alone but he probably thought his family would talk about us if he didnt go- he hasnt told any of his family about our treatment.  I dont know when our next one will be but i know it will be hard whenever.

good luck and stay strong xxx


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