# Bereaved - IVF didn't work - lost



## harmony (Aug 8, 2008)

Hello

I have been looking on the Internet for answers as to why my IVF did not work (I hate the word "failed", but I guess I am now another statistic for my clinic.)

Started IVF process at Christmas and my husband did the pregnancy test on Weds 11th - it was negative, I am not pregnanct - despite the accunpuncture, supplements, healthy life, visualisation. We are so devastated adn lost and can't believe that life and God can be so cruel. We just cried adn hugged each other. My dad recently died and (I stupidly) thought that that might mean with one life lost another would begin. Everyone around me is pregnant or has just given birth and I ache so badly wanting to be part of it. I hate people asking do I have children and if not, why not. Why does God give horrid parents children only for them to abuse them, murder them or take part in fake kidnapping for money - but those who really need children adn would care so well for them, nothing. 

I had three frozen embroys - one was not good and two were implanted but for some reason they did not take. I need to find some answers but there aren't any. I want to move forward and try again, but am scared to now. In some odd way, I am too embarrassed to go back tothe clinic - I left on such a high two weeks ago and even took photos so that I chould show my children in year's to come. This won't happen now. I know this is stupid - but everything seems so worthless now.

sorry, I am rambling, but can't sleep and am very tearful and angry. My lovely husband is lost too but being brave to help me cope. Because I had cancer some years ago I had frozen embryos and I have lost 3 now in one go and have few left so am scared to try again but also need to try again and soon. 

I want to speak to my GP about this, but am scared to have all this emotion logged as I'd hate any 'emotional upset' to be on my file - you have to jump thru hoops and fill in so many forms just to have IVF - jsut don't want it to jeopardise anything in the future. 

I know I am going thru a bereavement - my husband too - but it is so painful. We also have to keep it in check as no one else knows that we tried so.

I'm also upset that I have a lost a friend whom I hoped and thought we would go thru pregnancy together or share our children (as I know we all need other parents around us). She too had cancer but became pregnant v quickly - first try, naturally. I was pleased for her - but did too explain that I was finding it hard and was tearful when she was proudly telling me about her scan, the sex of the baby etc. I so wanted to join in and asked her to bear with me and that I wanted to be there for her and go shopping for things (as I thought, my time will come and I'd love to have a friend close by with a new baby to share when I got pregnant) but she has not been in touch for ages and ages - desptie me writing at Christmas. Perhaps she felt that I couldn't cope - but equally as I explained my feelings and that I was pleased for her, so hurt that she has abandoned me and is happily going off to her NCT classes. I was hurt - and didn't show it - when she invited me for dinner with some of her friends - when I got there, they were all from her NCT class and the whole eve was about babies and pregnancy!! I hadn't even started IVF and she knew I had some problems with fertility last year. Is that cruel or just thoughtless?

Sorry this is not making much sense - I jsut feel alone and abandoned by the clinc as there are no answers as to why this happened or whether we can try again and if so when. Do you think clinics shoudl take it upon themselves to call up patients if IVF hasn't worked just to see how they are and to help them on the road to closure?

So what do I do - I'd just appreciate some support. I know that many of you have been thru this before but the pain is so immense. ~I am temping at the moment and am off work - they don't know why but I'll need to pull myself together for next week to go in - two women there are pregnant and very happily talking about it - I was happy to join in last week as I felt I had this secrete smile that I was bursting to share, but knew I had to wait for 3 months or so - so disbelief that I have to go thru the whole thing again is so scary. I know that if you dont make it by 2 or 3 attempts clinics wil start investigations but I cannot fail 2 or 3 times as I will have no embryos left and will not get any more as I cannot now produce eggs due to the chemo.

We just thought it was our time - I never felt sorry when I got cancer, I never felt sorry when I was ill thru it, I never felt sorry for myself when other rotten things happened - but I do feel sorry for myself now and feel that my body has left me down. I am scared now that all of this means I have to start IVF again and scared the cancer will come back then I will never have the chance to be a mother nor we, a family.

I feel I need to keep apologising.

But if anyone has any good news to tell me to help me move on please do. 
Harmony.


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## Rhib (Jun 6, 2006)

Hi Harmony,

 

I am so sorry that your treatment did not work this time.   I do not know how you feel with regards to failed treatment as I never got as far as IVF because we were blessed and conceived on our own while waiting. I do however know how you feel about aching, we had tried for 8 years before it happened for us and infertility hurts so bad. 

Your friend who is pregnant was thoughtless not cruel, I had been in the same position a couple of times so I am carefull with a friend of mine who is also struggling because I know how it feels to be the one hurting, your friend never really felt that so perhaps now she feels guilty about it which is why she has not contacted you.

Your clinic should offer you counselling for your failed treatment, this was discussed with us during our appointments. You are grieving and should not look upon how you feel as being week but look at it as being human. Why not give the clinic a call, sadly you will not be the first or last person to feel how you do right now.

If you are not ready to go back to work next week don't go, you need time to recover and come to terms with what has happened. Go easy on yourself and stop apologising for how you feel.

I wish I lived near you so that I could give you a big cuddle but I am thinking of you.

Try to enjoy your weekend.

  

Rhian xx


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## harmony (Aug 8, 2008)

Hello Rhian

thank you so much for responding - and such good, kind words. I did think of counselling but I did not get on wtih the counsellor at the clinic the last time. I had folicle tracking which 'failed' and was such a shock as all the doctors were saying my fertlity was fine - when I saw her the first thing she said was 'Oh I haven't read your file so dont know what's been happening' When I explained - she didn't say much or offer any support or anything - she just listend (with one eye on the clock behind me) then pushed the iinfertility support group leaflet towards me at teh end. i've been to counselling before re the cancer so I know how it can work but we just didn't clickso would rather no go again and have to explain first before she undersstands anything.

My period started - so that too was upsetting - although clinc toldl me it would - a little part of me hoped that the test was incorrect. I will call the clinic next week and see what we are supposed to do.


Thank you for the hug - no matter how remote Harmony xxx


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## Rhib (Jun 6, 2006)

Oh Harmony, your clinic sounds rotten   I don't know much about your case but could you not take your eggs to a different clinic for your next attempt? Perhaps they will offer better counselling. Also why not complain to your local health authority? They should not be able to get away with treating you like that.

You have been through so much already, life can be so unfair sometimes. Still at least you still have hope for the next cycle, nobody can take that away from you.

You can talk to your GP and ask them not to go into to much detail on your medical records. If you feel uncomfortable at your clinic (and who can blame you) perhaps that is your best option.

I am always here to talk if you need a shoulder to cry on.



Rhian xoxox


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## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Harmony -  firstly I am so sorry that the tx didn't work. Your clinic does sound a bit rubbish to be honest and I'm not surprised you're not interested in going back to that counsellor... but maybe you could find another one? I know it's hard to go in there and explain the whole thing but maybe it could be helpful if you can just find the right person...?

I'm also sorry to hear about losing your Dad so recently too, on top of the cancer you're clearly going through an horrendously difficult time... and your friend's behaviour can't have helped either. I would put it down to thoughtlessness rather than cruelty though, her inviting you to the dinner, but you know her best, so you're the best person to judge on that. She may well have sensed that she'd upset you and now doesn't know what to say which might explain why she hasn't responded to you since.

Please excuse my ignorance but I'm not quite sure what you mean when you refer to "follicle tracking" and the fact that it "failed". Does this mean that originally you'd been told that the cancer tx hadn't affected your fertility but then when they tried to track the follicles prior to fertility tx they found you weren't producing any? Is that definite or is it worth seeking a second opinion? Also how many frosties do you have left and what day/quality are they? Have you considered trying another clinic? You can move your frozen embies if you want to, I know someone who did it recently if you'd like some more info? Sorry if the questions upset you but just trying to get a better understanding and maybe offer some alternatives..?

Hon, we can all identify with that feeling of your body letting you down with regard to ivf but I can't claim to understand what you went through with the cancer. What I CAN say though is you kicked the bic C's  once and *IF* it comes back, I bet you can do it again! In the meantime, why not concentrate on maximising your chances of success with IVF. You're already doing a lot of it, maybe all it needs now is to just find the right clinic...?

Take care hon    

xxx


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## isobel snow drop (Feb 2, 2009)

Oh Harmony you poor love. I have been there as have most of us to some degree. I was very young when I started my ivf, just turned 21 at the first attempt and it took me 3 ivf attempts to realise my dream.

Everything used to go fine upto the point where they put my embryos back and I remember after the 2nd attempt my cosultant telling me that they had all had a meeting about me as they couldnt believe the embryos hadnt implanted so my consultant said he was going to do everything on my next attempt and he did, he did the scans, ER and most importantly he put my embryos back inside me. Two weeks later and I found out I was pregnant and I cannot describe to you the feeling of elation. What had also been different was my attitude. On my first attempt although I was full of hope I did also get very, very down and was also told that my cousin was pregnant  which really didnt help and I seemed to spend the fortnight in tears. On my 2 nd attempt I was told that my sis in law was expecting!   Which once again upset me immensly and made me spend another two weeks in doom and gloom waiting for my AF to arrive which it duly did !!

The difference with the 3rd attempt was that i was so fed up I just wanted to have a holiday but my DH wanted us to have another go at the treatment so in the end I just got on with it as a means to getting a holiday at the end of it. I totally relaxed, tried not to think about it again amazingly was pregnant. When I went back to the clinic the nurse told me she knew I was pregnant even before they had done the test as I was glowing! 

My lovely twins (I say lovely they broke up for half term yesterday and have been arguing all day! ) are now almost 12 and not a day goes by when I dont think about lucky I am.

Please try your best to stay positive, its amazing what positive thinking can do! You will be in my prayers today  and I hope you soon get to experience my joy for yourself. I used to think it would never ever happen to me but it did and it will for you too- Stay positive. xxx Take lots of care xxx


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## harmony (Aug 8, 2008)

Hello again to you both - feel a bit better - have been reading loads of other messages (think I should read the instructions first as to how to navigate and what all the abbreviations mean!)

The questions don't upset me - and it is good to be able to 'talk' online about this

Anway, just to explain about the follicule tracking we did. After the chemo we were all pleasantly surprised that I was still having periods and still ovulating. consultant said just to try naturally after I came off the cancer treatment (tamoxifen). We tried but nothing happened - clinic offered follicule tracking which meant they would scan me regularly during my cycle to see if an egg developed - if so, and it was growing - we would have sex at an alloted time (!) and see if we could conceive. This we knew that whilst safe (ie no hormone drugs) would not be as efficient as IVF but as we were a bit undecided as to when/how soon to start we thought we'd give it a go. I know it sounds naive - and I thought I was pretty clued up on biology - I thought period - tick, ovulation - tick I should have agood chance of conceivingl However, I am over 40 so after the follicule tracking showed poor quality egg that was unlikely to fertilise, it was a bit of a shock as we (my other breast cancer friends) had been led to believe that the best outcome would be to retain your periods and therefore your fertility; whilst I am 'fertilie' I think it is prob low (FSH was good to begin with ) due to the poor quality eggs. That was a shock and it took a while to get over it, which is why I delayed IVF in October/Nov - I had to put that bad experience behind me and realise for the first time that the cancer had indeed affected my fertility and therefore my chances of conceiving. That was when I saw the counsellor - I know clincs deal in 'clinically significant statistics' (!) but I look at the whole picture and believe that you have to be positive to move forward. Prob why the counsellor didn't get why I was down about loosing my fertility after thinking it was OK and I had escaped chemo unscathed. 

I don't know what qualilty the embryos were that were transfered - should I find out? If they were low grade we might feel really awful and apprehensive about the rest. I read another posting from someone else who didn't get thru the two week wait and is going to her consultant for a chat - I will ask about that when we call them next week - but as I say, I think the clinic should be in touch as we do feel a bit abandoned now - ie we have't performed!

What I do know is that I want to try again, but need to go into it as positive as I was before. It is how I work - with the cancer treatment I never felt 'why me', I never felt scared that I was going to die or anything (far too arrogant for that!) and looked forward to chemo in some weird way - so obviously with IVF I need to feel the same and get into the right spirit - but God it is hard. I am in a better place than some of my friends from the treatment days as I do have hope - it's just that you feel you are running a race, almost reach the touchline before being pulled back to the beginning - you watch everyone else racing ahead of you.

Thank you all again for reading my ramblings - a quick question - I keep getting colds now. I have had 5 colds since September alst year - the most recent happened after we did our pregnancy test - I have read a bit about immune system/compromise and IVF - any view points on the common cold and IVF that works. But I suppose I have been internally stressed out - what with one bereavement in Jan and another one in Feb.

Best wishes everyone, Harmony xxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello harmony, massive  for you right now. I am sorry for your negative result and your recent losses. What a lot to deal with right now.

I have moved your post here as I felt you will probably find the understanding and support here that you need.
Unfortunately, this IVF malarky is still a huge gamble and, even with the best eggs and embryos, and best environment to grow them in, you can still sometimes fail for no apparent reason. It's cruel and horrible - I remember being so utterly convinced my 3rd fresh cycle (4th in total as I had a FET) was going to be The One. I had the best quality and most eggs ever, top quality embryos, I was on immune tretament, I'd had acupuncture and I had a BFP (but sadly m/c) under my belt from my previous fresh cycle. Everyone - even my clinic - were extremely positive about it. I was utterly crushed when it was a BFN, much more so than the disapointment of the first cycle and even, to an extent of the m/c (which is completely another emotional journey). I'd been so sure this was MY one. 
It is only natural to want to seek answers for your cycle ending the way it did (and yes, I have the term "failed" too, as I think it implies you did or didn't do something right). Sometimes there are no answers and it's just dumb bad luck (IVF success rates in the UK are still well below 50% so odds on you are more likely to get a negative, sadly.  ) Having said that, I remember reading a statistic when I first started having treatment that was 75% of couples who embark _on a course of_ on fertilty treatment will end up with a baby as a result of it. Now for some a course of treatment might be one cycle and for others it might be several and only you will know how many you can handle, phsycially and emotionally but it's a useful thing to keep in the back of your mind when you are feeling really low.

It does not hurt to ask the questions though. Make sure you books a follow up review as soon as possible and go armed with some questions. Clinics don't routinely get in touch after a negative cycle so you do kind of have to do the chasing. They will asusme, if you need extra support, you will ask for it. Having said that, some clinics are excellent at keeping in touch with their patients but you sometimes have to strike up the relationship with the right people, if you get what I mean. 
Definitely find out what grade your embryos were, what your fertilisation rate was (i.e. how many eggs you got and how many fertilised) and ask about anything you can do differently. My advice is to go armed with questions written down, because then you will not forget to ask even if you get sidetracked. There is a list of suggested questions following a negative cycle on FF:

* Negative Cycle Follow up Questions ~ *CLICK HERE

Not all of them will be relevant so pick out the ones that are.

You might also want to look here at this link for thinking ahead for next time:

*What can improve egg quality and quantity ~ * CLICK HERE

I would also suggest having a look around FF and seeing if you can find a thread for your clinic on here somewhere (PM me if you can't find one and which clinic it is and I will have a look for you). You cna gain a lot of insight and support this way, and also through the cycle buddies threads when you next cycle. It's definitely worth joining in and posting, if only for the emotional supoprt from others in your situation.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. Please do keep posting and keep us updated. 

C~x


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## harmony (Aug 8, 2008)

Thank you too Caz (and for moving post - I am still learning where everything should go!)

feel so much better than I did this morning.

Mylovely GP rang me about half an hour ago - I rang this morning and asked if I could speak to him but wasnt' sure the receptionist would be able to arrange. So good speaking to him (we are very lucky with our GP surgery by the way, very helpful and accommodating). He too suggested that I take time to grieve but do go back to the clinic and speak to them for more insights.

You are right about the follow-up - I do think clinics routinely should call for when treatments 'have not worked out' (better wording!) because I think it helps to start the healing / closure process and you also get the feeling they are there with you.

The questions will be a great help.

Thank you everyone - I hope to continue posting my news here and hopefully it will be postive news in the future.

thank you all for your kindness and wonderful support today. xxx


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