# 4th BFN and really dreading Christmas



## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

Have just had our fourth BFN and gutted.  This was our final shot and even though I told myself I wouldnt I got my hopes up (stupid stupid stupid).

Am really dreading Christmas as  just cant imagine putting a brave face on it at all.  Luckily (well maybe not the right word) mine and DH families have grown up children, but its going to be so hard to know that now I'm never going to be able to put out mince pies and carrots from my own children for Santa and Rudolph or see their little faces light up when they see Santa or open presents.  I'm never going to experience that magical time and it breaks my heart.

Am also going to be 40 in a couple of weeks so thats going to be fun as well isnt it.... never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being 40 and childless.

Anyway needed to get that off my chest and wanted to send lots of       to everyone else who's recently got a BFN and struggling to deal with it.


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Sprinkles    oh hun, so sorry to hear this cycle hasn't worked, Christmas is a sad time isn't it especially when your surrounded by constant memories and images of a family time...

I recently read an article in Red magazine about a childfree couple at xmas and how they turned it to something special for them and their traditions...it was very interesting and enlightening..

Thinking of you and if you fancy a chat let me know x


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## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

Thanks beachgirl, have ordered a few books off amazon about living childless after IVF am hoping that they will help even if they make me feel like I'm not the only one.


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Sprinkles

I am so sorry for your BFN . You are not alone in what you feel - at the beginning of this year we were looking forward to IVF in March, then we got preg, and the due date was November 2009, and then my son died at nearly 19 weeks - so we went from looking forward to our first Christmas as a "real family" to this year where we are now faced with the death of our son and our recent palaver with possible ectopic turning into MC.

Last year DH and I had had enough of the pretence that we were fine with "celebrating" Christmas when it made us feel even more empty armed, when we saw all our friends preparing for the wonderment in their children's eyes when the tree went up, or when they put out mince pies on Christmas eve. So we decided to lock out the world on Christmas Day, spend it in our jammies eating yummy food, watching movies and Christmas telly, and drinking very expensive Champagne. And it was wonderful, so that's what we will be doing this year, though I have to admit with a heavy heart because of what has happened this year. We don't put up a tree or do decorations anymore, but we do sort of have our our tradition now, and it is nice in its own way. Christmas is such a hard time for all of us who desperately want children because every advert, every reference to Christmas has children laughing and playing and it just reminds us of what we long for.

I am 41 and have no idea if i can put myself through any more tx, because I am exhausted emotionally and physically - and of course financially! So we will be breaking our hearts and getting thoroughly squiffy this Christmas. I suppose that is one advantage to being childless....(she kids herself! )

Thinking of you at this hard time Sprinkles - look after yourself and i wish you the best for 2010.

Nbr68xxx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

wish I could  hug you both....sat here crying now..x


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## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

nbr1968 oh my, am so sorry for the terrible time you have had this year     life is so cruel.  Your christmas plans sound like a good alternative to the "brave face" scenarios we have to put ourselves through.  We've talked about trying to save some money to go away next year which would also be something to look forward to as well.  In a way just want it to be 2010, a new year, a new decade, a new start.

I'm also exhausted mentally and physically, am trying to find positives out of the heartache and to be honest one of them is the fact that I wont be prodded and poked any more and can become drug free for the first time in what seems like a very long time.

Really hope that you enjoy your Christmas even though I imagine it will be very difficult after the year you've had, and thank you for sharing and making me feel like I am not alone xxx

Beachgirl


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## mango2512 (Apr 29, 2009)

Hi,

Just wanted to send   to you all. I also had a BFN.   
This was our 2nd Ivf after 4 Di.

Unfortunaltely I think I will be doing the "brave face" thing this christams. I know I dont have to but sadly We lost our dear mum last year and as much as we are going through with our treatment I feel I need to be there for my family and for my family to be there for me.

My sisters have children which we are very close to and even though there is a big gap in our lives concerning our own childlessness I do get great pleasure in seeing my nieces so so excited.

I wish you all the very best for 2010 and hope that somehow you can come through this.

Sending lots of love

Mango xx xx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Mango   so sorry to hear that you've lost your mum, big hugs x


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## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

So sorry for your BFN Mango its pants isnt it.  Also sorry for your loss last year, life is so mean.  

Hoping that someone up there gives us all something nice for a change very very very very soon xxx


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Don't really know what to say. Christmas is c**p. Hate this time of year. You are not alone.
Here's to 2010 eh!!

Take care of yourselves   

PL xxx


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## Mousky (May 21, 2009)

Hello,

Sprinkles and Nbr68 - I would like to send you some     Even though I'm still having tx I'm not looking forward to Xmas time. My father also died this year very unexpectedly and his last family event was Xmas dinner at our place last year   I thought if I would have had a baby or be pregnant it wouldn't feel so empty   I think you're very brave women. Take very good care of yourselves   

Mango - I just saw your signature and realized how silly my posts in in betweenies were   Sorry about that, you already had IVF   Also sorry about your mother     It's awful    

Mousky xx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Sprinkles & Nbr68 I am truly sorry    I'm sitting at work with tears running down my cheeks   I can't even begin to imagine how hard Christmas time is for you both. I've been feeling sorry for myself over the last few days but reading others stories really does remind me that I'm just starting this journey. 

I wish both of you loads of luck and happiness for 2010.    

Take care  

x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi to you all big big hugs    

I too wish we could fast forward to 2010 and totally bypass Christmas but sadly as my name suggests the family won't let us run and hide it'll be a brave face day for us both with a lot of hugs and hands held tight supporting each other through the hardest day of the year. Those embies that didn't stick those eggs that didn't make it to embies are in my thoughts at times like this I shut my eyes at night with my hand on my tummy just hoping and praying that maybe just maybe we'll not need the 3rd and final IVF sometime next year.  

Love and hugs to everyone of us that is going down the long and endless road of IF hope we all find the answers to our problems in 2010 and we all get our missing link from somewhere soon.


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## milliemay (Oct 1, 2007)

Big hugs to all       I am so very sorry, i wish with all my heart that 'if' didnt cause us all so much constant heartache and pain....I really send my love to you all xxx


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## bankie (Dec 27, 2007)

I got my 5th IVF BFN today.  I had so, so, so been hoping that I would have some happy news to share with my family this Christmas, but as it turns out I will be childless again this year and looking towards the next year with (less) hope than last year or the 3 years before that.

As sad as I feel to be in this situation, it makes me feel even more    to think that all of you lovely ladies are going through this too.  It helps to know that I'm not alone, but the thought of so much suffering at this time of year is heartbreaking.

Whatever you're doing this Christmas, however you're braving this difficult 'family' time of year, I send you my heartfelt      and    that you'll find the strength to get through it and come out the other side looking forward to a brighter 2010.

 bankie


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## Mousky (May 21, 2009)

Sending you all some    

Bankie - really sorry about your news


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## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

It is comforting to know that there are other ladies out there who feel exactly the same I must admit I find it makes me feel like I'm not going totally insane, however then it makes me feel really angry as why the heck should we all be sat here feeling this way when there are people like that horrible Vanessa George out there.  Dont want to start a rant thread about her as she's not worth the energy but it does make you think "What the heck..."

Mousky so sorry for the loss of your father, sending you loads of hugs xxx

Bankie you're in my thoughts hun and have been all day       

Love to all you very very brave ladies


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Soo sorry bankie   
Doesnt get any easier does it? Every xmas/mothers day/fathers day/birthday I think maybe I'll have some news to share but no! Not yet!! So here's to IVF #6 in 2010...can't wait

Hope u have a Happy Christmas I had a mc this time last year so I know how difficult it is dealing with everything at this time of year. Remember u r not alone!!

Look after yourself

PL xx


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## bankie (Dec 27, 2007)

Thanks poodlelover - my next tx will be my 6th too, hopefully in March.  Let's hope it's 6th time lucky for us both!


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Bankie
Where are you having treatment?
Im transferring to Care from Nurture in Jan. First mtg with Dr George on Jan 12th. Just been to GP to get all Level 1 tests done
6th time's a charm and all that!

PL xx


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## Sprinkles (Nov 6, 2008)

Just wanted to bob on and wish everyone a merry christmas  even though we're not all necessarily looking forward to it.

Here's hoping 2010 is a little kinder to us and wishing you all everything you wish for yourselves


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## Mousky (May 21, 2009)

Hello ladies,

Hoping you're not having that bad of a day


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Just wanted to give you all a big hug and hope that you enjoyed Christmas day


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