# having major probs going thru the adoption process - HELP!!!!!



## gabannakitty (Dec 22, 2010)

Im not sure im posting this in the right place, but here goes.

Id been on the waiting list to be processed for 22 months when i finally got a call a few weeks ago out of the blue.  the timing couldnt have been worse, the previous week a serious relationship had broken up and so i wasnt in a good place but decided not to put the process off because id waited so long and because im not getting any younger (im 42).  However the process is going from bad to worse, they are nit-picking at every negative of my whole life, the original social worker kept telling me she had a gut feeling that im holding things back, which i absolutely havent been, she expects me to give her on the spot answers which i cant always give.  i have been thru a lot of emotional traumas thru my life which is putting more and more questions in their heads.  they want to know everything since childhood, ive slept since then i remember some but i dont remember every single day of my life, its an impossibility. 

two weeks ago the manager decided she would double-head the sessions so now i have both of them totally stressing me out, theyve allowed my mum into the meetings now to help a little, but tbh it isnt.  they have both made comment that they cant ever see putting a child in this environment, but i have no idea what they mean.  i have a beautiful interior designed home, i dont work so id be here 24/7 with a child, i have so much love, time, patience, understanding, etc. to give, a child couldnt wish for more.  this week they went thru my support network, i have my mum, her partner and my cousin close at hand if i need someone to come here in an emergency, but now this isnt enough for them either.  i feel like i cant do right for doing wrong with them, they are questioning my choices in my marriages, and my past 3 relationships because theyve all broken up (hey it happens!) and questioning and doubting the possibility of me getting involved with another guy in the future and adoption.  its all a load of nonsense and im getting totally sick of it.  mums been here for 2 sessions now and shes never heard such ridiculous things being said.  i just dont know which way to turn.  i tried to talk to BAAF about it and when i did the social services got annoyed that i didnt go to them with my complaints.  i feel like im hitting yet another brick wall in my life.  its not my fault ive not found mr right yet and been able to have a birth child, im too scared to go thru the invasive fertility treatment. its feeling like yet another setback in my life and feeling like im never going to be a mum....HELP!!!!!  btw its manchester ss that im going thru


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Gabannakitty

I've moved your topic over here, so more folk can see it and offer advice. 

I'm in the middle of something right now, but will be back in a few minutes to reply properly.  

Bx


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hiya

Sounds like you are finding the adoption process very tough going.  I think we all feel that at some stage of the process.  I think sometimes it feels like the social workers grind us down until we're ready to snap - but what doesn't break us makes us stronger  

The process is very very intrusive and some cope with it better than others - it comes down to personality type and relationship with SW. It sounds encouraging that your family are supporting you and are allowed to take part in the homestudy. They do have to get a very detailed picture of your childhood and background including relationships so please don't think they are singling you out.

I think single adopters will naturally be expected to talk a great deal about relationships, as any new partner would greatly impact on an adopted child.  It sounds like the timing wasn't ideal for you in terms of the ending of your relationship, sw will be keen to know that you have come to terms with this. 

It does sound like there are a lot of issues to be worked through. If you feel you have been unfairly treated, then you do have the right to apply to any agency within a 50 mile radius.  Another good source of support is AdoptionUK - there is support there specifically for single adopter. 

Please feel free to post here anytime  

Bx


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## Guest (Dec 23, 2010)

Boggy has given you some great advice....

The adoption process is very tough and at the end of the day the child is the priority rather than the adopter, as it should be.  The home study does probe hard as its important that they get a clear picture of who you are - we got asked all sorts of stuff, but decided we just had to get on with it if we wanted to be parents.  

I hope you can find a way through.  

Big ((hugs)) and take care
Bop


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Gabannakitty

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. Although the process clearly has to be thorough, I'm sure you shouldn't be feeling this bad. At least I feel they should be very clear with you about what they are asking and why.

On the singles women section on here we have a thread for single women going through adoption/fostering. Its here

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=149503.0

Feel free to come over

Kind regards

MK x


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## gabannakitty (Dec 22, 2010)

hi thanks for all your comments. im still finding it over tough and theyre still not getting a real picture, however it is moving forward.  although i still dont think i have a cat in hells chance, they have asked me to read First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tiddlers & Toddlers, Caroline Archer.  does anyone know where i can get a free copy of this book from as initially i am only going to read an overview of it as i hate reading, and doubt very much that i will have need of it in the future warranting laying out good money for it.  my local libraries dont have it.


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## Guest (Feb 8, 2011)

Adoption UK have a library which probably has it, but I think you have to be a member to borrow stuff?  If you are looking to adopt, its probably worth joining as they have a good magazine and can be very supportive (although do be aware that the message boards tend to cover more difficult issues).

Bop


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I have to say that having read a few books out of the library, that is one of the ones I would have hung on to and read again if I had thought I was going to adopt a toddler or preschooler (our child will be younger). If you haven't read it yet, you don't know if you'd want to hang on to it, if you read it and think it won't be useful, you can always sell it on amazon!

I know you say you hate reading, but you probably need to show you'd be open to finding out information all kinds of ways (even ways you hate!) if that's the way that the information was available in order to help YOUR child. Personally I hate going to talks for the general public (as I go to far too many for specialists, through work), but I would do that if I needed to in order to help our child.


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