# Anyone had 2 LO's living in seperate foster families before placement?



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hello everyone

Well we've been linked and matched to 2 lovely LOs aged 2 and half and 6 years old. The LOs have both been in only one foster placement since their removal from birth family but they are placed seperately. A sibling assessment has stated that both LOs have bonded well and have 3 hours a week regular contact with each other. 

My question is to anyone who has had a sibling group placed who didn't share the same foster careres prior to placement with you. We are a little concerned that since the LOs have only lived together for 10 days in birth home that there may be added complications and challenges when they are placed as it will be the first time that they have really lived together or been together for more than a few hours! 

On the other hand, a few friends have commented that the fact thay have each other and are now able to live together is bound to be a postitive. We just wondered what other's have found who have had LOs placed in a similar situation.


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi, 

Just wanting to join in this link too, as we've been linked to 2 LO's and they're both living in different foster homes too. I think the plan is to place the eldest first and then the younger one a few months later. Our sw hadn't heard of this before, but the LA where the children are have done it before and said it had worked. We just want to do what's best for the children 

So I'm interested too xx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I will be interested too, we our matched with 3 in 2 foster placements, they currently have 2 contacts a week with each. Just waiting for contact to arrange some meetings to wok out how we are going to manage intros.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Wow, I could see that adding massive complications.  I think you're incredibly brave and I have a huge amount of respect for all you ladies, going ahead with such potentially difficult matches.  I know there are limited foster placements, but how awful for the kids to be placed separately then have to have this added complication when they finally find an adoptive placement.  I think it's going to take a lot of very hard work.  Normally when there are siblings placed together it will be really tough, but if they've always lived together they do have the comfort of keeping that continuity of the one person who is constant.  Are they going to increase contact in the run up to the placement to get them more used to spending time together?

We had two siblings placed a year apart and the adjustment they had to make to get used to sharing (especially Mummy) with each other was immense, and a year later there is still huge jealousy between them and it's often tough to manage.  Even when my husband's here they still fight for me, because with both of them Mummy has always been the main carer and it's Mummy they have to be able to have on demand.  It also took them a long time just to get used to living in a house together, essentially they were strangers and there was a lot of trial and testing in their relationship and still is, although that has lessened over the last few months.

Have they spoken to you about how they will manage the two sets of introductions?  Presumably they will need to be done separately, and the second lot of introductions will be very difficult for the child placed first.  They're chaotic and hard enough for adults and child directly involved, having that disruption soon after placement will be even more difficult for a child who's just been moved.  I think you need to have detailed plans in place and be asking lots of questions early about how these details will be managed, and what support they're going to provide you with, financial and practical!

Congratulations on the link and good luck all of you!

Wyxie xx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

I just typed a long reply and I don't how but Ive lost it! GGGrrrrr 

I am off out just now but will re-type reply tomorrow!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi wee,

I've known of this being done but for different ages. Whilst it was crazy for the adopters as they did intros with both children over the same period and the kids moved in together. I can't recall all the details as it was some time ago but it has worked out very well for all. Think it took longer to get into a routine especially sleep but on the whole the littlies really took to it. The had good contact with each other running before MP etc

Good luck x


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Firstly we initially asked our SW if the oldest boy would move first followed by the little one a few weeks later and that was a definite no. We will find out exactly what is planned for intro's at the meeting on Tuesday but our SW thinks that they will be over 3 weeks. 

The boys have good regular weekly contact with each other separately and at BP contact sessions (which are currently once a week but that's a whole other story!). SS also take the boys out together on their own once a month for 'outings'. However, they have never spent longer than half a day in each others company though they do have a sibling assessment which seems very positive and they don't share any trauma bonds, the wee one was removed at 10 days old. 

We are definitely going to ask that the boys contact become more frequent in the run up to introductions. I am not sure how feasible it is but even if during the final week if intros the little one could stay a night or two with older boy in his foster carers home that may help! I don't know if that would be detrimental to the little one but out of the two boys it's the older one that everyone is concerned about when it comes to placement. The wee lad is very sociable and for all intense purposes 'straight forward' in the words of their SW. 

Where the boys are placed is at the total opposite end of our LA and is 2 and a half hours away! The boys FC placements are just 20 minutes apart but still all in all I reckon it's going to be a logistical nightmare and everyone is going to be knackered! 

Wyxie,

We were told at the point of HS that we wouldn't receive adoption allowance, even though I know full well that these boys do attract adoption allowance as they are classed as difficult to place and both have developmental delay. I thought that since we weren't entitled to this that we wouldn't be able to get any financial help, including at intro's? Should we be entitled to money towards fuel/hotel costs during intros? I will ask about this too now next week.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hiya wee, just popping on quickly to say I am sure it was dreams do come true who had two lo placed from separate FC (sorry DDCT if it wasn't). I remember reading a detailed diary on here which recounted their experience throughout introductions.  they were younger but it was a huge success. if you have a look you'll be able to find it. It was approx 12-18 months ago though I can't be sure. 

Regarding cost, many if not most cover your cost for intros regardless to whether or not you qualify for adoption allowance. This can cover petrol and any hotel costs and some (though this is being squeezed by cut budgets) give you a settling in grant.

Take care xxxx


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Thanks Flash, Gertie and Wyxie

I'll go have a look for the thread by dreams do come true!


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## rosie pie (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi, 


I would like to do along reply but I m sorry that I don't have time at the mo. Reason being my two boys are one and two and keep me v busy.


I am going to do bullet points for you (plse forgive me)


1) both boys they were placed with us a year ago at the ages of 10 months and 23 months. They are full siblings.


2) Birth mum was pregnant with baby when older boy taken into care at 6 months.


3) older boy placed with FC's and v settled - when baby born he went into different FC placement with Birth mum the aim was to help her and hopefully get her into a position where she could care for them both. This did not happen, when baby was 10 weeks court ordered she leave. Baby stayed with FC's as was v settled. Older boys FCs were not able to take baby was well.


4) they finally got a placement order when baby was 8 months and older boy 19 months. They were placed with us around 2 months later.


So how did it work 


1) before placement order they saw each other twice a week at contact for an hr with birth parents. When they got their placement order this increased to twice a week still only for an hr. Birth parent contact stopped 5 wks before they came home. If I were you I would insist on at least this length of time especially as yours are older.


2) the sworkers wanted baby to move in with older sibling before they came to us - this would never have been the right thing and was vehemently opposed by the independent reviewing officer as well as us. It would have meant baby having two moves and older sibling adjusting to sharing his FCS who he adored, then moving, getting new parents and having to share them as well. I see why the thought is there that it may be a good plan but children are inherently self centred and they don't understand the concept of a sibling being beneficial until they are old enough to appreciate them.


3) they both stayed in their own foster placements which were v different to each other and oh so different to us and our home!!! (a whole different story!)


4) we insisted that the older sibling came home first to allow us to get him settled and to follow the normal pattern of nature. He needed time to adjust to his new home and parents - so we met them both on the same day but separately in their Foster placements (best day ever ever ever)
the intros were then mainly based around older boy but every time he had contact with sibling which was then 3 times a week we shared that as well in older boys foster placement.


5) so we did 7 days of intros then bought older boy home - then the following week I had baby bought to me for increasing numbers of hours - so about 4 hours first day then longer…. and so on - in the end he came home to us 2 weeks after older boy. The intro process was totally and utterly exhausting - we also have an 11 yr old birth daughter just to throw in the mix!!


My observations:


- at that age it did not bother either of them particularly the other one being there or not.
- older boy knew him, knew the word brother but luckily for us did not call him by his name instead he had a pet name for him. This would have been really hard as for safeguarding we changed babies name. so we took on the pet name (still call him that actually!!)
- having had no bond at all, within short period of time their bond started to grow and it was so so so beautiful to watch.
- now a year on they adore each other, play together all the time and I can't imagine a time when they weren't together.


we were majorly concerned about it - and i can only talk for v young children, with no developmental delay, learning difficulty or challenging behaviour.
The trauma both of them had suffered was loss of birth parents followed by loss of foster carers. The older boy, trauma/neglect/physical as well.


The first six months was soooooooooo hard but worth every second.


They are now legally adopted - I would do it again for them in a heart beat.


Plse Pmessage me if I can offer any more help/advise - I know your Los are much older xxxxx


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## rosie pie (Oct 18, 2009)

all our travel expenses were paid in full
we then got a settling in grant of £300 each - I had to push for this - I gave receipts for almost £3000 for cots/buggies etc etc two babies are quite pricey!!
We managed to get a term of one session a week at mpontessori nursery paid for for older boy as nursery was part of his adoption support plan. This was pushed for by our independent reviewing officer. So they paid around £400 for this - bonus we didn't think we would get.
We did not qualify for any other money due to means testing.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

You should be entitled to expenses for intro period.  If your partner needs to have a long time off work because of long intros and isn't paid you may get a settling in grant.  You may also get help with expenses as you're having siblings, which might not be means tested, if you keep receipts and buy sensibly with buggies, cots etc.  Really, I'd just ask.  What if their needs mean you can't go back to work again?  What are their support plans?  If any part of that includes nursery or anything else that you don't get free of charge, it's worth asking SS to pay for it.  If you go through your SW and do it properly you shouldn't have anything to lose.

It sounds like the general idea of the intros have been pretty well thought out.  I do think that you shouldn't underestimate the trauma of the little one moving from foster care and any overnight stays elsewhere shortly prior to placement could be a really bad thing, and probably of only small benefit to the eldest, although a big increase in contact could be really helpful.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi,
we adopted siblings from 2 seperate foster placements just over 2 years ago.
dd was 2.10 years, ds 18months. 
Both had gone straight into fc at birth, ds initially to same carer as dd but fc struggled with 2 so young. Ds then moved onto fc with whom he stayed til we found them.

whilst in fc there wasnt as much promotion of contact as there could have been, approximately once a week and facilitated by fcs usually at soft play.

we think they have coped really well. Introductions was carried out over 2 different homes so the logistics meant alot of faffing around but it was manageable.

there hasnt really been any issues between them, coming together they had instant playmates and we have seen their bond develop, they should have always been together.

we were really lucky in that both fcs had great routines and we didnt experience any probs at bedtime etc. Think it may have been more difficult if one of the children had been in fc where it was chaotic. 

I'm not saying its been easy, as it really hasnt. We're having a fair amount of sibling rivalry at the moment, but at 3 and 4 years it all seems quite normal. 

Its more then worth it when we see them playing together, holding hands and snuggled on the sofa.

it'll be hard for you no doubt, but your older child will have some understanding about whats happening, also being that much older then the sibling wil allow you and your dp to establish interests wilh him which younger sibling wont be able to do therefore hopefully promoting bonding.

think I'm veering a bit here! Anyway, we did get fuel allowances and a couple of nights in local hotel as well as somemoney back for things like cot, pushchair etc, so keep asking!

good luck, if theres anything i can help with just ask. I did do a diary, but not sure how relevant it willl be


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

Our 2 boys were also placed from different Fc s. 
Aged 2 years 11 months and 13 months. 
We got no expenses for intros. We actually had wee one placed first... He came home for good on a Saturday and his big brother on the Tuesday of the following week. Intros were separate at first and then together as the week went on. 

They had a fair amount of contact pre placement. The thing that was most difficult was learning to share mummy. 

Now they have a great relationship!


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