# Things said that you drive you mad!



## Pand

Some of us on the secondary chat thread have been talking about comments made by the fertile freaks that really annoy us.  Here is a taster:

At least you've got one!
It will happen!
Be positive!
Just relax and it will happen!

It made us laugh sharing our stories of insensitive comments said to us during our journeys.  Please add some of your own to this thread!

Thanks

Pand


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## Jane D

Hello

Here are my faves:  "Are you stopping at one?"  "time for another one?"
Depending on how I feel, I usually say "Could you afford double whammy nursery fees at £1000 per month?"  Well neither can I.  (the said people usually have free grandparent child care 24/7 too - smug *******!)  Sometimes I say, not sure if I can have any more actually which kind of kills the conversation.

Other classics heard people say to others "Was it planned?" (No I got outrageously drunk and forgot to go for the morning after pill).  Best one so far, bloke in work with 6 year old, upon hearing that a former colleague with a five year old was having another child, said to me "That is a bit of a gap isn't it?)  I said "Well maybe they have been saving for IVF for the past 4 years". Not 12 months ago the said man, on the birth of his daughter revealed it had taken them 18 months to conceive. What an idiot and what a short memory.  It is the same if you have 2 girls and have a third.  One lady at play group last week said someone said to her on the birth of her third girl "Oh well, better luck next time".  A friend with a 15 month sibling gap between her babies was asked "was it a mistake?"  You can't whatever your situation.  The only people out there who avoid idiot comments  are those with a son and daughter, or a single parent.  Noone asks them when they are having another.

Just give these sad people clever replies that make them think and challenge their stereotypes.

Love to you all

Jane
x


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## SUSZY

Hi Pand 
great now we can all read each others - we need to get missby/nanook to post theirs again on here.


one of the best ones I had from a supposed friend was 'I don't know why you want another one when your Mum has you Ds so much"

When I was asked last year at a family party when I was having another one I replied '' You could not have asked me a worse question"

I have also had from people who in fact struggled to have their 2nd 'Oh you still want/are trying for another one?"
as if you ever give up wanting another one!

When I told another supposed friend I was considering ED back on 25 Nov 06 when I came out of the follow up appt and went straight to a party and was very upset and ended up blurting it out to a couple of girls she said 'Oh you wouldn't do that would you it wouldn't be your baby'" I have never been able to forgive that comment.

I cannot think of any more at mo but think is because I have blocked them!

see you

love

Susie


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## nanook

Hi guys,

Right, we've got the 'all you need to do is relax', which is rammed down my throat at every opportunity by family members inparticular who each have at least 3 children!

the ones who feel they have to work out the dates best for you to conceive, like you are incapable of doing this yourself, and you've _obviously_ been doing it all wrong all these years and now you have their 'proper' dates you'll be pregnant within a month!,

the ones who tell you they think having an only child is selfish and a child really needs a sibling and then leave the conversation hanging so you feel you have to tell them why...

The one who told me that my inability to conceive was just due to diet (even though I had just informed her that I had been told its cos of scar tissue in the tubes etc etc), she then said 'dont be stupid' and told me what i should be eating to fall pregnant (?!)

the ones who say its obviously my DH fault because he smokes/drinks (although his tests are fine)......

The ones who tell me Im 'too skinny' and 'just have to put on some weight!' (Im dead on average for my height)

lol, thats all I can think of for now 

Sarah xx

the ones who


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## nanook

Dont know where that last line came from - I think my laptop is breaking down !!!!


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## missyb

hello ladies!!

as promised i would add to this thread.. it is such a good idea and a good way to vent frustration. im permenantly amazed by the stupidity, insensitivity (the list is endless) people!!

mine were 

just relax (yes i know it's been mentioned previously but it is soooo annoying it was worth mentioning again)

i never had all of these problems with mine (we good for you!!)

do you think you are trying too hard (WTF!!)

you should eat a tin of tomato soup every day (so thats were im f***ing well going wrong... no more cream of mushroom for me then!!)

your turn will come (when?)

positive things happen to positive people ( yes and if that were the case i'd have won the lottery, chocolate wouldnt be fattening and george clooney would be my personal sex slave!!)

now this was one that i heard from one of my friends who had fertility problems.. this was from a friend of hers who had 5 children..." being too fertile is just as bad as being infertile.. i just seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat"... im sooo glad that i wasnt there as i would have a) wrang her scrawny neck or b) screamed thats wot f***ng contraceptives are for or c) all of the above!!


anyway, thats it for me.. i'll add to it as i remember.


love to you all

amanda xx


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## moominemma

These are great! And what's even better is they are making me laugh when most of the times these insensitive comments make me want to cry (or clobber the person making them!)

I think I have had most of these...but not the tomato soup one, are there special powers in there or what? Please tell!!

The timing one is great, I have one particular friend who insists on telling me when I should be doing it! Thanks!

However, I also have some very sensitive friends who are aware that they are very lucky to be pregnant so they are not all bad.

Off to get some tomato soup now, 
Take care,
Emma x


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## lainey-lou

Hello

My favourite is when people say "I have a good feeling, I just KNOW you will have another one".  How the hell do they know, my doctors aren't that sure so why should they be.

My Mum (of all people) told me I should get some kinky undies/outfits to spice up our BMS and then told me to make sure I had loads of "rumpy pumpy".  So that's where I've been going wrong, I forgot to have sex!  Also, there is nothing less likely to spice up my love life then the thought of my Mum while we are doing it.  Yuck!

Lainey x


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## lainey-lou

Hi

I've thought of some more.  Having just had my 3rd m/c I can add to the list some things not to say to someone who has just had a m/c - 

1.  "There was obviously something wrong with it so it is a good thing you had a m/c."  Good?  How?

2.  "Maybe you were overdoing things."  Oh, so it's my fault, thanks for that.

3.  "Maybe you're not meant to have another one."  Yeah, and maybe you're meant to have a black eye.

4.  "God, how did you manage to have dd."  Thanks, are you saying I am such a loser it is a miracle I had a child atall?

5.  "Perhaps you just can't carry boys."  What?  No maybe not but I could quite happily carry your head around on a spike.

See, you shouldn't have got me started.  I have a whole repertoire of these!


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## missyb

tee hee girls these additions have made me larf... and managed to make me angry at the same time.. if thats possible... i think the tomatoe soup is ment to be for the men and is supposed to help in some way... how is it different to just plain tomatoes or tomatoe sauce?? hell i dont know... i cant even seem to get pg so what do i know  

amanda xx


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## Pand

Lainey,

I'm so glad you've posted your post m/c messages on here too.  I've got a few of my own:

1.  "At least you know you can get pregnant" (yeah, great bl**dy consolation.  It only took 18 months, 3 months of clomid and two operations, perhaps in another two years I might be lucky again?)

2.  "Well at least you've got ds" - (ah so that makes the emotional pain of losing a baby so much easier to bear does it?)

3.  "It could be worse"  COULD IT?!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY?!!!  And of course the fact that other people have got it worse means I'm not entitled to be upset about my lot?

Will add more as I think of them.  I absolutely loved Missyb's post and the tomatoe soup one made my dh laugh out loud!

Lots of love all.

Amanda


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## SUSZY

Girls these are absolutely brill well I mean in the maddening sense kind of way
I think next time any of us have people making these comments to us we should say Oh hang on a minute - can I write that down as I need to post it on a fertility support web site I go on and we have a thread especially for comments like these!!

I am sure I will get some interesting comments from the fertile brigade when I eventually tell them.

Pand I really think you have a good basis for a book here!


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## Pand

Oh just remembered another one:

Met up with some "friends" who had gone through 18 months of IVF, discovered male factor IF, had first round of ICSI (funded by NHS) then fell pregnant straight away and have just had a baby girl.  When we met up I had just had my laporoscopy in May and was still hobblling around in Tescos. We had just been told that day by our cons that we probably wouldn't get pregnant without the help of IVF.  Her comment "Well its worse for us!"  ER how exactly. She went on to explain that they would have to pay for their second round of IVF if they wanted any more children.... er so do we??  She also had no operations and none of the guilt of female factor IF.  HMMMMMMM.  So its not just the fertile ones who cock it up!

Pand


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## emilycaitlin

I love the old 'It will happen for you'!  Where have they got that guarantee from?  If they have that somewhere for certain, then fine, I'll relax a bit, and just wait!!!!!!!!


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## cinders35

A few of mine...

Our first fertility Consultant told us to "spice things up a bit, leave a trail of sexy underwear leading to the bedroom, and relax........"
We changed clinics!!!
Also have had people advise on which "position" to do it in, and after 4 years of ttc, believe me, we've been through them all!!    Oooo  !!

"I think you'll be pregnant by easter," then "christmas," then "easter" again.....What you got, a crystal ball??!!! Cos let me tell you, it ain't working!  

"You're probably trying too hard"...I'll just wait for an immaculate conception then.   (Is immaculate the right word? It doesn't look right. Oh well, you know what I mean!)

Anyway, off to the shop. We're out of tomato soup   !

Love Cindersxxx


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## bubblicous

what have ui had weel there is

1 - relax

2 - your trying to hard

3 - stop thinking about it and it will happen

4 - be greatful for the 2 you have ( like im not)

5 - you dont need another baby

6 - maybe u should concentrate on the 2 you have 


finally this was from my sister

its just natures way of saying you shouldnt have another one


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## samblue

After the first (of 4) m/c, bumped into mIL in tesco, she said 'it's just one of things, wasn't meant to be'. Thanks for that! (considering that after it happened i didnt see/hear from her for a month, until i bumped into her!)

Used to get, when dd was younger, 'When are you going to have another?' - that old classic! wish I'd had the b*lls to turn round and tell them about our years of ttc and all the m/c!

Still often get the 'You've only got the one then?' - I respond with 'Yep, well, she costs us a fortune anyway and makes enough mess/noise for 14' !!

I think i must be getting old now though coz it's been quite a while since anyone has asked me if I'm going to have anymore.  Maybe once you get past 30, people think you're 'past it' (which we all know is b*ll*cks - sorry, very rude word there!!!)

I might get a t-shirt made with my ttc history on it to wear at parties, what a conversation piece lol  (or little business cards to hand out to people who ask, can you imagine their faces as they stood there and read it!!)

Ho-hum xxx


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## reetpetite

hi, Im new, but would like to add my personal "favourites"

after each of my (6) mc's: its nature's way you know, natural selection.. _Well i dont care what "nature" wants i want my babies back!_

are you doing anything wrong do you think? _well, i smoke crack cocaine and do regular bungee jumps, ffs, i dont even have a glass of wine in my 2ww!_

(once again) relax, youre trying too hard. _ahhhhh so NOT having sex gets you knocked up, dammit shoulve known!_

oh, Noah'll be so lonely on his own! _really, that thought never keeps me awake at night sobbing in the bathroom because my body's so crap_

iknow a woman who had several mc's tried for 15y then had 7babies in the space of 2y! _I DON'T CARE!_

and finally, from ds "i want baby bruvver now mummy, ok, deal!" _?? _


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## mel_2

Hey I love this site u hve had me howling

well wait 4 this I have a 4 yr old daughter as result of IVF am on 2nd ivf cycle at moment

when she was about 3 was in asda and someone I know who works on the checkout said 2me while she is scanning my shopping
are u going 2 hve anymore children?
I gve my standard reply of dont know or somethinglike that and she said

I think it's cruel to only hve 1.....................................

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  I always thought she was a thick c**  

good luck 2 u all

mel_2  XXX


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## abbybella

Cannot believe how rude some people are by saying these things! lol some people are far too opinionated and have no idea at all. 

This thread has made me smile though! The one i usually get it

"when you stop thinking about it it will happen" ok then.....

and from my friend (who has her her third baby) " well i had to wait a long time to fall pregnant this time... it was about 4 months" !!!

lol don't know how i managed to keep smiling at that one! lol

XX


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## xx kath s xx

hi girls...

i have    soooo much when reading through this, has really cheered me up some of the comments i have had are:

"maybe your not meant to have another one" ... yeah thanks, like i don't feel bad enough anyway.

" I only have to look at my husband and i fall pregnant!"..... really.... thanks for that..

"the time you will fall is when your not thinking about it" AHHHHHHHHHHH

"God decides who is blessed with children" ...... Great so not only do i feel like a useless wife and woman... I now have to cope with the fact that GOD hates me too.....

my sister in law said to me, whilst rubbing her 8 month pregnant belly and SMOKING.... cant believe you want to be this fat..... i felt like saying i would give anything to be that fat shut up moaning you !£^$!

Lastly not a funny comment.... but a woman i work with who knows the problems we are having conceiving....kept being sick, so one morning i said to her "are you sure your not pregnant" she said .... Na don't think so if i am you can have it though...I don't want it!!!   

Kath xx


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## annabiss

Hi girlies,

well this thread has cheered me up no end this morning. also potentially given me some good material as I am contemplating writing a secondary infertility diary/first person type story for a parenting mag here in oz... so keep them coming!!

what gems can i add?
so many to recall on the spot...

from friend who has just had first baby after 3 cycles of IVF and trying for 4 years..."just relax". no, i am NOT kidding! i wasn't even able to summon a response let alone remind her of how many people said that to her. mind you, her dh told mine when celebrating the birth that people only have ivf so much these days because they are too impatient to wait for it to happen naturally. this from the man who had male IF factors so it would never happen naturally. hmm, some people have short memories.

from woman in Medicare office (like equivalent of NHS here in oz - you go in to claim back some of your out of pocket expenses at doctors, scans etc)..."oh i see from your receipts and scans you are trying for another baby. worrying about it too much will stop it happening." THANKS for that unsolicited bit of advice in front of waiting queue. 

from acupuncturist who has been treating me for years for IF/hormones, "some women are only able to handle one child".

& sitting between 2 best mummy friends i've made since having dd. both had #2 naturally, discussing whether they would like 3 or 4 and ignoring me sitting there silent painfully aware they KNOW how much i just want 1 more. 

from mother, "women these days are so anxious about having babies, that's why they are not having them". teehee, I didn't realise the worlds population had slowed dramatically this generation or stopped...

from stranger in local shop enquiring when dd was going to get a brother or sister, "if you leave it too  long you won't be able to have another".

from favourite friend in mothers group who has 6 month old ds2. "we've had to have a serious chat about no. 3 or not because we are so fertile we have to take serious steps to stop getting pregnant".

from MIL on finally telling her that we are going on clomid after 9 months of trying and this is why we haven't had another baby like all the other sons and dils..."yes, 'fertility pill'  was around in my day too. i hear relaxing is how it happens so why don't you have a boozy weekend and see what happens". YES! I want to conceive in an alcoholic stupor and if that worked i would have gone through cases and cases of wine in the past year.

haha, this is great therapy. sometimes i want to bash the person saying this stuff or otherwise feel like bursting into tears but its much funnier posting it here.

ok back to work. bye ladies
annaxx


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## Pand

I love this thread.  It always makes me chuckle!!!  Keep them coming girls!

Pand


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## SUSZY

me too just wish we could remember them to say to the next person who makes stupid remarks!

annabiss loves yours really good ones and know the feeling of inconsiderate convos of the friends I have made when had ds now 6
just a thought best check with the people before you put their remarks in a mag although we have often said we could all write a book on our experiences 

good luck girls


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## annabiss

hi suszy,
will check with everyone of course. don't even know when i will get around to writing it esp now that i got a   yesterday. can't really concentrate on anything. just hanging out for check up next week now to make sure everything is ok.
thanks girlsxx


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## ramblingrose

I have to add to this thread as it's great! I have had the 'at least you have one' comments and the 'when are you having another one?' a  lot. And from people who really should know better.

My SIL has said 'I know how you feel in a way because although we have 2 already **** (her DH) won't let me have another, otherwise I would have had one.  (yeah, and would you have called it Tactless after yourself?)

Also, there's 'At least your DS has cousins'.

WTF?!!!!!!


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## Mrs Dee

Ok heres mine.  ( I have a dd already age 5)

1.  So are you going to have any more then?  (from people who knew I was on fertility tment last time - insensitive or what?)
2.  Oh you dont want to leave it too long. (Fxxx off ..........like it was my choice to!!!!!!!!!!!)
3.  You never know you'll fall when you come off the treatment.  (like what the hell do you know I think, They could hardly get me to produce follicles on loads of drugs - what makes you think my ovaries will suddenly go ' I think I'll work now') 
4.  Is it not time for another one?  (WHAT?...................... the................Fxxx.  When was it your business)

and the classic of all time

You'll be glad you only have the one......................


There was a funny thread I once read on this site which said, things to shut people up when asking if you are going to have a baby.

When asked when are you two going to have a family, One ff lady said

Well I dont know, My husband and I got so fed up having sex with each other that we thought we'd get into debt and spend thousands of pounds on 6 goes of IVF and we dont have a baby yet so I'm not really sure

OOOPS, can you imagine that persons face, but good on her.  People really annoy me, they just dont think!!!

xxxxxxxxxxx


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## reetpetite

still love these!


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