# Eeek! Adoption UK Forum



## chadwick13

Hi all, 
We're in the 'very' early stages of thinking about adoption, and I'm reading around and trying to get as much information as possible.  

I've just spent quite a bit of time looking at posts on the Adoption UK Forum   OMG.... There are just ENDLESS posts about major difficulties parents have with bonding, bad behaviour, self-harming, abandonment, etc, etc, etc. People are posting that years in, they still don't love or even 'like' their adoptive children, that they can't wait for them to move out, and that their children are displaying very negative behaviours (severe voilence, sexualised behaviour, even examples of 3 year olds self-harming!). 

People on this forum seem so much more positive by comparison. I'm now really confused. How can there be so much variation?
I don't want go into this blind, which is why I'm reading as much balanced vews as I can, but is it really that bad Why would people do it if it was really THAT bad?


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## Anjelissa

I have 6 words for you......
.......back away from the other forum!   

On a serious note though I haven't personally visited the Adoption UK forum so I can't give an opinion, but I've heard so many people say the same as you.
I think you'll find you'll get a very fair and honest view here without so much doom and gloom  
I don't know how 2 forums can be so different, but I've been a member of FF throughout 3 IVF treatments and the adoption of our little boy and I would say you are in the right place here for support, advice and friendship.
Yes of course there may be be difficulties and the road isn't always a smooth one, but you will see many stories on here of adoptions that do work and so many happy endings of little ones finding their forever families.

We couldn't possibly love our little boy more than we do and have bonded as if he was born to us. I have many friends with adoptive children who feel the same way so please know that there are many positive stories as well.     

Lots of luck with whatever you decide,
Luv Anj x


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## chadwick13

LOL. Thanks for the advice!
I think I must be a sucker for punishment, as I've been looking on the afteradoption forum too, which is mostly birth families or adoptees looking for birth familes (lots of phrases like 'stolen, 'lies', kidnapped,  etc - you get the general idea). 
I don't want to go into this with rose tinted glasses, as I'm the one pushing this more than dh at the moment, so I thought I'd do as much balaced research as possible. 

I've been on FF right through our 2 ivf treatents, and have also found it very supportive!


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## panorama

Hi chadwick
I think it's good to get a balanced overall view of adoption, which you will also get in the information sessions and prep group, definitely not all rose tinted at all! 
BUT I do think a lot of people that post on the adoption uk forums do so because they are having problems and the ones that don't have too many problems probably don't really post so you have to take it with a pinch of salt. Adoption does work and stats apparently as follows - 1/3 no major problems/ 1/3 have some problems and 1/3 fail! The fail category deal with very complex situations where mostly kids are older, have gone through lots of moves and have had very difficult starts to life. You need to be honest in what you will be able to take on as an adoptive parents really too.
In our case we decided to go for younger as we did not feel we could deal with the more complex cases, and that is fine but you need to be really clear.
Hope this helps. I know I was scared stiff too reading some of those posts and it put me off for a year, but so glad we did this now!!
p xx


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## Old Timer

Hi

Reading AUK can be really frightening at times, especially when starting out on this road and you will find the majority of posters there do have issues and post because they need the support and advice from other adopters who have also been through lots of problems.  The majority of them have taken on children with a lot of complex needs, older children who have been through more and have more memories of their birth families.  There are some that have had babies placed that at 6/7 years of age find things aren't as straightforward as they seemed but that is a risk you take, there will always be uncertainties with children but more so with adopted children and especially babies/young toddlers.  It is good to keep an open mind though as none of us know what the future holds for our children and school age is when issues can raise their heads.  Positive stories have often been shot down in flames on there so people rarely bother now.

FF shows that adoption can work and bring you a good family life.  We have far closer to a normal family life than i ever dreamed possible through adoption.  We have our moments, at the start it was very hard getting used to a lively 2yr old and trying to put in boundaries and a routine (not all FCs do this), he can be hard work but what child can't??  3 years in and we have a securely attached, bright, loving little boy who has settled into school with no issues, has lots of friends and enjoys life.  We don't know what the future holds but for now all is well and hopefully the good times now will build a future without too many 'adoption' related issues.

OT x


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## Miny Moo

I do go on AUK forum's a fair bit, most people who post on there do so for the support that they need from other adopters when they are having difficult times, I used to read them a lot when going through the process and am glad that I did, it still did not prepare me for parenting a very traumatised child, but I had gleamed some bit's of useful information.

I never started looking at this form until after my son was placed, and I was desperatley looking for help and advice, I like reading the lovely adoption stories on this forum.

What I would say is most people on here, all though not every body seem to have been placed with younger children, my son was placed at 6 years and yes we have had many hurdles to jump over, but I would not change him for the world, and love him to pieces.


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