# weight issues again!!!



## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

hi all

We have another meeting with our s/w, she has asked us to get weighting scales as she wants to weight dp. His weight has been an issue all the way through, he is 18 stone. I know 18 stone sounds heavy but he is a big built man who plays footy, coaches a childrens footy team, goes to the gym and doubles up as referre if the team dont have one. His dr has said he is overweight but healthy and has no problems, all his tests came back good. I understand some children will be vulnerable and need parents to be around for as long as poss but he is unlikely to keel over with stroke or heart attack as all his function/blood test are normal. feel really fed up.  Sorry for the moan,  we also have ds who as you can imagine is very active so takes a lot to keep up with him.

anyway hope you are all ok. moan over hee  hee

love joanne xxx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Joanne

sounds like yor SWs being a bit of a stickler. both myself and DH are overweight, but are both quite tall and very active so it was never raised. When we had our medicals the doc mentioned that we'd both probably benefit from loosing soem weght, but didn't see any reason why it shoudl get in our way for adoption....i know we've discussd this issue on here before, so I'm sure you'll get some other responses

Have you had yor medicals done....maybe if you do that earlier ratehr than later you could out you SWs mind at rest??

xruthie


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

hi ruthie

yes both had our medicals done, dr said dp was overweight but no problems medically and he told us that he actually put there is no reason why he coulnot adopt on his report. I know of a couple bigger that have been passed AND ANOTHER COUPLE GOING TO PANEL VERY SOON.I feel they are just being picky, think it may be our s/w  boss who is making these decision re weight. I will wait and see what is said tomorrow, if they mention his weight is a problem again i may throw the spanner back in and say we will pull out, i'm sure they wont let us do that as they have invested a lot in the adoption process to have us drop out at this late stage.
love joannexxx


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Joanna - hope things work out ok for you.  DH is a little overweight about 1 stone and although i have lost 2 and a bit stone i still need to lose another couple.  Had my medical all ok, SW said the current weight i am is not an issue so it does sounds as if yours is being picky.

Cant understand why SW would want to weigh DP as thats not her job?  how does she know the scale will be correct if they have not been tested etc.  Cant understand why you are annoyed and upset. xx


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## van (Sep 18, 2004)

Hi
What you posted is exactly us last August!  the medical advisor at our agency expressed a concern re dh's weight.  He too is tall, solid and active (tennis, golf, walking and a 3 year old to run after) but his BMI comes in as obese.  our sw recommended that he make an effort and show that he had done so.  He booked an appointment with the nutritionist at the surgery and also went to see the GP.  that way the panel could see that he was making an effort.  He went and got weighed by the GP who agreed to assess him on a monthly basis to panel and gave him a target loss.  He increased his exercise and generally showed willing.
Bless him, he hated every minute of it, moaned and groaned about it all and idn't lose to target but we gave the sw updates on the exercise he was doing, diet efforts and what he had lost (and the frustration of it all) and the panel accepted that he had made an effort and generally lived healthily.  It wasn't easy, particularly given how stressful the homestudy is, but the panel expressed their acknowledgement that he had made the effort.  We passed.

Oddly I have noticed that he has lost more weight post panel than he did before, but it has been good for his health.  

it is just so frustrating, though!  not all of us can have the perfect BMI (i certainly don't) but we all have to fit into those preplanned slots! If it is any consolation I have heard that Tom Cruise is classified as obese if you go by his BMI score.

hope all goes well
V


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Joanne

I think your SW is being picky.  I'm obese as my BMI is 34 and the doctor on the panel did mention it but there were no other issues on my medical.  I've actually lost a stone since I became a Mum.  I admit it's not great being overweight and I intend to try harder to rectify it but I think the most important thing is your health.  I think it's better to be fat, healthy and active than skinny, unfit and unhealthy.

Hopefully you can sort these SW's out.

Cindy


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

thank u all for your help and support. Totally agree fat, fit and fantastic. dp is soooooooooooooo fit he puts his brother to shame when they train at the gym and he's brother used to be a boxer and personal trainer (jhe's big boy too ) really wanna say to them tomorrow about how angry,upset,descriminated against and treated so badly. anyone would think he was like giant haystacks, he 18 stone and solid!
i wanna tel him to get undressed in front of them to show em!
sorry.
will let you know tomorrow how it goes. i will not let them  weigh him at work. DEGRADING
love jo xxxxxxxxx


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

dont think i made it clear that they actually want to weigh him at work. we are having a meetin at d/p work as it is near the l/a office. bizzar.


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

one other thing i read the other day in the papers, it was about military fitness etc and BMI and basically they would not let Lawrence Dellalgio or Martin Johnston (rugby players for england) in the forces if they wanted too as they are deemed obese due to their BMI!!!!!  Would they tell them they were overweight eh!!!


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Johanne,

I would be really pi$$ed off if i was you. Although maybe rather than threatening to pull out, just quiz her on why she wants to do it when your GP is more than happy. You don't want to come acroos as not beign 100% committed in that you'd let a "little" thing put you off. Ask her if it is on advice from their medical advisor, and if you don't get a satisfactory answer I would ask to speak to her supervisor. We're expected to jump through hoops to prove how PC we are, and they can come out with sizest remarks!  

good luck and let us know what happens,
xxRuth


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

hi Ruth and everyone else who is following our story. It gets worse. Today we were told that dp weight is still an issue with the other s/w. I didn't take scales with me and we told them he wouldn't be weighed infront of them, we are prepared for him to be weighed or be seen by medical dr. They agreed and will make arrangements. Our s/w fully agrees with us but still goes on about vulnerable children needing parents to grow old with. We stressed the dr has stated he is overweight but has no medical problems. What made me smile is when she produced a life story book as a guide ( genuine couple ) the man was visable bigger than d/p.I laughed, couldnt help it and asked if it was a joke, even the s/w said she could see our point. That wasn't all, we spoke about panel and she said she dont think we will be considered as we have too much going on. We are getting married in Sept, i said that should be possitive for a child to be made part of it all, they are worried about all the stress of a wedding, i said what stress, everything is done! all we have to do is turn up! i asked why that cant be a possitive instead of negative. Also we started a new business the end of last year, that is going very well! The other thing is my mum was diagnosed with cancer last year but last week was told she is all clear, if we can all get thru that we can fight the world! By the end of the meeting s/w went away saying she is gonna fight our corner with gloves on and answer all our quesion what the panel may bring up. Feel like we are gonna get thru this but they want to test us. Oh one final thing, they are concered it will be too much for d/s as he starts a new school in sept. Give me strength.
hope everyone else is ok

be happy
love jo xxx


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

me again, forgot to add, i was married for 3 months 10 years ago, no children ,not seen him since, broke up as friends but no need for contact, he has remarried and has a child but s/w want to get a reference from him. I gave them our old address, he's now moved, i dont know where. today they asked for his mums address! i have phoned his cousin and she said he dont want to be involved in this. What next.. 

jo xxxxxxxx


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

oh Jo - what a mare you are having my girl!!!! You are an amazing person and you will get thru this.

Like you say why do they keep thinking of all the negatives etc.  A SW who we may of had left her job as she had adopted some kids and she was about 23 stone and she got thru - maybe being a SW helped her

big aarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! from me to you!


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

do you know what really bothers me is that one of our ref is a child protection officer, if he dont know what we are like no-one does. Y do they wanna contact me ex-hubby, they must think im a mad women,   well ive got news for them, after all this i feel like one hahaha 
love jo, thanks for support it means bundles xx


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## van (Sep 18, 2004)

Aw, Jo - what a nightmare!
do you think they bring this stuff to test us?  make sure we really mean to go ahead.  drives me mad!! 
We had the new business thing too - and that was about the only question the panel asked us...how taking over the company would affect the family.  I soon silenced them when I pointed out that dh was home every night to bathe and put ds to bed, whereas most of ds' friends' dads worked in the city and never saw their fathers from one weekend to the other.
I'm glad you stood your ground re the weighing - they are social workers not blooming gps, so what do they think they are going to achieve.....sorry, got me on my high horse now   

All the best - I think you've shown them you mean it and I'm sure that by the time you reach panel you'll have blown them away!

V
XX


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

thanks V

had big mad rant and phone dd/p and told him i didn't want to carry on anymore, fed up with being pulled, prodded and poked. He told me to think about it over the weekend and make decision on monday. Glad i did as i have calmed down now and think im not gonna let them win, we have a d/s of 8, tones of love, a lovely home, nice holidays and plenty of time to spend with our kids, we are fighters and dont plan to give up now, all along s/w  said how perfect we are anyway, had a nice take-away with my girlie mates and changed my hair colour, new me, d/p thought a new girl walked in tonight. hahaha

love jo xxx


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## Katykitten (Mar 14, 2006)

Hi Jo,

just been reading your posts - what a nightmare!

I was just thinking, have you tried measuring d/p's % of fat on his body? I know they can measure it at some gyms and GP surgeries. If you can prove that he is mainly muscle it might help your corner.

Good luck

Kate
xxx


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## joanneschild (Jan 19, 2006)

This morning we drafted a letter for our adoption team. we have withdrawn our application, after14 months of courses, h/s and having our lives layed out on the table we have had enough. we were told we would be going to panel in may, now they say we wont because of everything that is going on. We have had enough. Our 8 yr old ds is devastated, they made him very aware of the process and that we would be getting a little sister, feel he should have not been told too much too early but they insist on being honest, now i have a 8 year old waking this morning very sad saying "why cant i have my sister" " we love daddy as he is. why should he change"  . Very sad, i know a lot of you will think we have given up, but i don't think ,many would continue with the way we have been treated. I wish you all lots of love, luck and happiness. i will continue to be " nosey " to see how u all get on
lots of love 
Joanne xxx


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Sending hugs.

Not sure there is anything really that I can say other than to wish you well in the future - whatever that may hold.  

If it 'helps' at all I am very very overweight (size 22/24) and will be going to panel in April.  We have been told that my weight will not bar us from being approved but that it might mean we are not 'first choice' for some placing sw's.  in the meantime I am slowly losing weight and atteding a 'healthy lifestyle' clinic run by the local community dietician. I hope to lose enough weight to be size 18 by summer.  I was upset at first about being prejudged due to weight alone but now am determined to prove to the sw sceptics that you can be a good mum even if you aren't size 10.

anyway...totally understand your decision - the process can be hard and invasive and it sounds like you have had more than your fair share of additional issues with sw.

Much love to you all,

Magenta x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Joanne,
Just wanted to say how sorry I am to read your news please take care love Jill x


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