# Miscarried after IVF last year and am afraid to try again



## pandapanda (Jan 15, 2006)

I am 43 now.  I had my IVF last year when I was 41.  I was always very healthy. I was lucky to get BFP right away. We were so excited when we saw the heartbeat of the little one in week6.  The baby died inside me 8 weeks+ and I didn't know about it until week 11.  St Thomas' didn't give me an ERPC at first, they said they didn't have resources.  They kept me waiting.  I woke up every night soaking wet with fear because my dead baby was still inside me.  Finally they let me standby for the emergency operation service but my priority was very low.  The consultant doctor was trying to downgrade my priority further because she said my need for the operation was not immediate.  

The first day I waited at the hospital from 8am till 5pm.  I was not allowed to drink or eat from 12am the night before.  At 5pm I was told to go home and was exhausted (no food or drink for 19+ hours!).  The next morning I went back to the hospital at 8am and did the same thing again.  Finally at 3pm I was pushed to the operation theatre, I was crying the whole way. I was totally devastated and exhausted.

After the operation,  the young doctor who operated on my didn't tell me exactly what happened.  The consultant doctor met me later and told me that 'the operation took an hour (instead of 15mins) and as it has more material than they expected inside.'  I lost 0.5L blood which is much more than normal.  She also said that she was glad I didn't wait any longer to have the operation.

I have become another person since last year.  The recovery was slow and painful.  For a long time I couldn't live a normal life and do normal things.  I was so weak and dizzy and couldn't even go out for evening meal.

I have been doing everything I can to recover.  I think I feel better now but still feel dizzy sometimes.  I am not sure what to do next.

My husband and I feel very sad everytime when we discuss about the prospect of childlessness.  He is the only son and we really want to have a baby.  But I am very afraid to try again.  I have lost my confidence and am very afraid to get pregnant again.  Has anyone experienced something similar?  Has anyone's health affected by their IVF cycle + miscarriage + ERPC operation?


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.

Sadly I had to have 2 ERPC's, well actually 4 in total, as the first one each time never got everything, so had to have it done again (we were expecting twins both times), we did go on to have 7/8 more cycles of IVF, saldy never got pg again, there was never a reason for not getting pg again, just unlucky I guess 

I don't think IVF has affected my health, it has made me and my husband stronger people, but for months after, and even now I have sad days that we had to go through all of that, but we did find the strength to continue.

I hope you both find the strength, maybe you should go and explain all this to your GP, see what they have to say about it all ??

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best  

Take care
Love Jo
x x x


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Hello Panda

What a terrible time you had last year   I'm shocked that you were treated in such a cruel and heartless way and it must have been heartbreaking.  No wonder it took you such a long time to recover and that you are scared to put yourself in a vunerable position again.  I think it is only natural to be afraid when you have gone through so much....the 'what ifs' crowd out the hope and excitement.  I think if you ask around the boards, every women who has gone through a m/c has fear of it happening again, it's only natural but there are many, many women on here who have gone on to have wonderful, healthy pg's and babies.

At the moment I am trying to prepare my head to do a FET in December (having had a m/c March '06 and another this June).  to be completely honest with you, I am worried sick to even get excited about doing the FET at the moment, of raising my hopes only to have them dashed.  I know if the treatment is successful that I won't be able to relax until I am long into the pg BUT there is another side of it that tells me this is the only way I can have a baby and that I can't give up (and YES I long to be able to give up!) until I am successful.  I can't go through everything I have and end up with nothing!

I think what I am trying to say is that your feelings are perfectly natural and that is the cruel irony of IF. We want so much to be pg and have a baby but we are so scared at the same time.

I hope you find a way forward.  I think Jo is right that you should talk to your dr (I hope s/he is sympathetic) and maybe make a couple of appointments with some good clinics just to talk things through.  You can still decide not to do the treatment but I think until you have got all the information and spoken to the right people, you will find is hard to make that decision on your own.

Best of luck with whatever you decide
Allison xx


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

hi Pandpanda

that was extraordinary that your erpc was 1 hour, no wonder it took you a while to recover. You ar right it should only be a very quick procedure, I also had one at 42 yrs old last year, my physical recovery took only about 10 days. Did they check on you after the procedure, like a month after, it isn't normal to do so after an erpc but as yours presented with complications I would think it would be their duty to do so.  Do you have any lasting symptoms from this procedure? xx


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## pandapanda (Jan 15, 2006)

Dear all,

I am very touched by all of you.  My friends and family are very sympathetic but at the end of the day,  they don't really understand what I've gone through.  It is so special to be able to talk with someone who have experienced something similar.  I think I wasn't able to express myself in the past year and I am swamped with my emotion and sadness.

For a long time I had been feeling terrible physically.  At times I was feeling so weak I had to lie in bed the whole day and couldn't talk.  I went to the hospital and my GP a few times to check but all the test results are not showing anything wrong.  I went to see Chinese doctors and they said that the balance of my body was badly disturbed.  During the past year,  I received traditional chinese medicine treatments and acupuncture.  I went to the gym religiously.  I think I am getting better finally (I am still suffering from dizziness though!).

My husband and I still want to have a baby.  I think we rushed into IVF too soon.  I suspect I can conceive naturally.  I got a BFP in Feb this year but then my period came a few hours later.  We feel that its time get some further help.  I have been thinking of seeing either Daniel Elliott or Dr Zhai.  I wonder if anyone has seen both of them and be able to compare.  Anyway, I have made an appointment to see Dr Zhai next week and hope she is able to help.  She is very expansive (£190 for the first consultation!) and I really hope she can help us.    

Allison and Jo,  I am sad for what you went through and my heart is with you.  I think both of you are extraordinary strong and brave and I wish I have the same courage as yours.  I wonder where did you get your strength from.  Are you getting a lot of support from your partner, family and friends or you are just dealing with it on your own?  As for me,  I often find the road very long and lonely and I have difficulty to cope sometimes.  Allison,  all the best to your FET in December!  !!!  xxx


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## juliemac (Oct 22, 2007)

Hi PandaPanda

I am 43 and have found medical profession very unhelpful, was even offered a hysterectomy by one doctor at my fertility clinic!  Often wonder what planet they on!  Anyway decided to explore chinese medicine route myself (my periods become very very heavy and very painful following an x-ray with dye pushed through to inspect 1 remaining tube).  Periods great now and still having acupuncture.  Am in middle of new ivf cycle, but am not responding to the synarel yet.  Again no-one really telling me why or what else I might try.  Anyway I'm glad u feeling better, you need to get fit (physically and mentally) before you try treatment again.  I wish you lots of luck


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## pandapanda (Jan 15, 2006)

Hi Juliemac,

I am sorry about the pain you went through in your HSG.  I went to Guy's to check my tubes in Jan this year, the whole process was terrible.  I wonder if the procedure is always that painful.  

There were two nurses conducting the procedure for me.  The older nurse did the scan and put the tube inside my body,  the younger one controlled the flow of liquid dye.  It took a while to get the tube in position and I didn't mind at all, it was only minor discomfort.  When everything was ready and the younger nurse was told to turn the dial to inject the liquid into my body,  the nightmare began.  I suspect she injected too much liquid into my body too quickly.  The pain was shocking!!!  I usually can take a lot of pain but in this case I screamed and I almost pass out!  She did it to me a few times and finally the older nurse announced my tubes were good.  And when I was told to get up,  the older nurse spilled the white stuff all over my clothes.  She apologised and said the liquid was only sugar water.  At this point the younger nurse said:  'Oh really?  I didn't know it is only sugar water!'  The whole thing was ridiculous.  I wonder how much experience the young nurse has. I feel angry that she caused me so much pain.  My subsequent period was also very painful.

I would like to give the benefit of the doubt to our medical professionals.  I am sure there are a lot of brilliant doctors and nurses out there.  So far I don't really have much luck and I guess I have been unlucky.

With all the additional help from chinese medicine and acupucture,  I hope you will respond to the synarel.  I wish you a very successful IVF cycle and  !!!


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## juliemac (Oct 22, 2007)

Hi Panda

Sometimes i feel whole thing a load of crap!! Anyway glad to hear about others' experiences - it makes me more determined and assertive, will challenge them and ask many questions now!!  Take it easy, Juliemac   PS i waited 8 years between first ICSI and this IVF!!


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Panda,

What an awful time you've had. It's no wonder you're worried about trying again.   

Have you thought of going for counselling? Perhaps talking things through with an experienced person would help you work through the trauma you've been through and allay your fears of trying again. I really hope you do find the strength to have another try - there's no reason to think you can't succeed next time. 

I too have found my confidence takes a hit every time we have a BFN so know how you feel. I've found acupuncture really helpful - somehow it helps get me back on an even keel - perhaps you could give it a try. I know it's not for everyone but if you haven't had it already it might be worth a try.

Wishing you every success for the future.

Love, CG xxxxx


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## juliemac (Oct 22, 2007)

Hi Panda

How u doing?  Made any decisions?  Am now waiting for breast lump to be explored!  Don't know whether to continue treatment or abandon it.  Am seeing doctor at clinic 2moro when go for 3rd baseline scan.  Am fed up with followng their routines, whant to follow my own, wish I'd had a natural cycle IVF instead as only problem seems to be lack of tubes!!  Have some fairy dust to cheer u up    
Juliemac


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## pandapanda (Jan 15, 2006)

Hi Juliemac,

I went to see Dr. Zhai yesterday.  It went well. Dr Zhai was very focus and yet very caring.  She took my pulse and told me that I am quite weak and my pulse is difficult to find (I knew it).  I am told to take a few blood tests before I will be given any medicine.  Tomorrow or the day after (day 2 or 3 of my cycle)  I will take a few hormone tests: Inhibin B, Anti-mullerian hormone, FSH, LH, Oestradiol & prolactin.  I asked if it is unrealistic to TTC at my age.  She said although age is an important factor,  everyone is different.  And in my case,  she said there is hope.

My DH and I were a bit nervous before my appointment with Dr. Zhai.  We didn't know what to expect.  We are not rich people and seeing Dr. Zhai is quite a big decision for us. Now we feel that we have made the right decision as we are in good hands.  

What happened to you Juliemac?  Did you find some breast lump?  I hope it is not anything major.  I hope you are okay and your treatment will go well!  

CG,  you are very wise to suggest me to see counselling.  In fact I had my first counselling service last week.  It was pretty emotional and I cried and cried in the meeting.  But then it was good for me to let things out.  I am waiting for them to allocate me a counsellor and then I will start having counselling meeting every week.

Next Monday,  I am seeing an Ear N Throat specialist to check on my dizziness.

Oh well,  there are a lot of doctors to see.  We just need to stay hopeful!  

Panda xxx


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## juliemac (Oct 22, 2007)

Hello Panda

I'm glad it went well with Dr Z.  It makes such a difference when they show genuine care and treat u like human being.  We saw consult yesterday, he very very lovely and explained everything.  He wants me to stop syneral (Not bloody working anyway!) and after i have seen breast clinic I can begin again with another drug to down reg (begins with b).  He feels confident this will work ok and then we proceed as normal.

I'm glad u cried at counselling, this is often what is needed in ordr to continue and stay positive.  Am feeling much more positive, even thogh waiting for breast thing, for some reason feel ok abut this.  GP not convinced it anything sinister either.

Chin up, thinking of you

Juliemac


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Juliemac - I didn't respond to Syranel either, but did down-reg ok with Bureselin. So with luck and a change of drugs you should be fine next time around    I hope you don't have to wait too long to get your breast lump sorted. 

Panda - I'm glad you found counselling useful - sometimes it's good to talk things through and let go of some of the sadness and fear. I really hope it gives you the strength to continue.

CG xxxxxxx


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## juliemac (Oct 22, 2007)

Thanks for sharing that Cotswolds Girl, you see little bits of positive stuff make all the difference!!

Hi Panda, hope u ok

have bad headache (v long day) so short and sweet today xx juliemac


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