# Grieving process



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Help.

I have become obsessive over the last 24 hours that my consultant gave me duff advice, that he got it wrong, that my eggs can't possibly be poor quality or abnormal, that we don't need donor eggs. That we should get a second opinion.

Instead of revising for my exams I've just spent well over an hour searching FF for info on abnormal eggs and people who have been told the same thing but did have more tx with their own eggs. Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm crying now. I guess this refusal to believe is part of the grieving right?
Why am I kidding myself that we can have another go, when it was so hard to get to egg collection all the time anyway.  

I've been walking round numb with no feelings, but now I'm bawling.

Please help, please tell me I'm normal.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Ermey
I am so so so sorry!!!!
It must be so hard and difficult for you at the moment....its all been a shock for you Ermey you have been through so much over the last few weeks...
Ermey how can you take it all in? its too much and too painful for you...
The thing about grief is you cannot rush it and just expect to absorb devastating news straightaway. We all react differently and plus we can only take one thing in at a time...
When you get news like this its takes time and days to sort through it in your mind. I think it is about taking one day at a time, if you try and rush things then you are putting more pressure on yourself...
You see Ermey you are not just trying to take in about your eggs, you are trying to come to terms with a loss. Then the loss of not having your own child, well to me that sounds as if you have an awful on your plate....
Have you thought about counselling...i know i always go on about it but if you find the right one to help you ( i saw a counsellor through the clinic) and she was great. She understood because she was counselling many women going through infertility and coping with different issues that are thrown at us...
You said about going for a second opinion? well maybe that is something that you could think about in the next few weeks becuase maybe it will give you the peace of mind that you need?
When you said Ermey about feeling normal...this is so hard to take on board and i understand where you must be coming from....its something that is unexplained and there is no answer to it only that its just sometimes these things happen...Its not about normal its about circumstances that we are unable to change....please maybe think about taking this thought out of your head and reversing it and saying to yourself 'its not my fault'.......
Ermey as you say there are options out there but maybe it is about addressing the issues that you are expereincing at the moment....the way you are feeling at the moment is normal and i am sure that you are crying lots of tears. But that is a normal emotion as well and it is better to shed these tears because in a few days time you may have a clearer mind on how to move forward....if you still feel like crap which i am sure this probably will be the case then maybe seeking outside help to help you with your grief may benefit you both...
What does your DH say? it must be so hard to watch you be in such pain and he must feel helpless..what would he like you to do?
Ermey do not worry about your revision, maybe ask for an extention on the exam....be kind to yourself its a tough time for you both....
love astridxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Astrid, thanks for your lovely reply, and taking the time over it.

I was having counselling for about 6 weeks before my last tx, but I stopped during the tx as I had too much going on with the clinic. She wasn't based at the clinic, and didn't specialise in IF...not sure she had much experience in it. It was quite helpful, but I never felt 100% comfortable with her, which is why I haven't been back. Our clinic have offered us counselling, but its an hour and half journey each way, so practically a day out just to go. I keep meaning to ring round other counsellors in my area to see if I like how they sound, but haven't got the strength.

I have been so busy with my uni assignments since we had the news that I think its held everything at bay for a bit, but I'm not sure how helpful that is. DH doesn't know I've been crying today. I've hardly cried at all till Wednesday when we went to have our vaccinations for our holiday to kenya...the nurse gave me a lecture about how I mustn't be preg...it hit me like a brick that all my life I'm gonna have to put up with this hurt and I've felt low since then, and very tearful today. You're right about not being able to take it in all at once, Its like its too big to think about.

We agreed that we wouldn't decide anything until after I graduate next year...its been such a hard year at uni, trying to deal with tx as well, that we said that my final year would be as IF free as possible. But maybe I'll get a second opinion in the summer if DH agrees. Thing is there's a big part of me that wants them to agree with my consultant, doesn't want to open all the tx route up again, it's been so painful, and I desparately need to move on; but as with us all, I can't help wonder 'what if'. 

Uni have been very supportive and I am submitting 'mitigating evidence', but i so badly want to do as well as I can, it matters even more to me now that the tx failed, but I am so tired with life right now! Meanwhile my friends just expect me to be normal as though nothings happened.

Thanks so much for your support.

E xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Ermey, we can all relate to how you are feeling. When my iuis failed and i knew we werent planning ivf i was so devastated it was unbelievable. I continued for a few weeks like you concentrating on work.Then the last of my friends told me she was pg and i fell apart!

I finally took 5 weeks off work- dh didnt think i should as he didnt want me dwelling on it all but i was so emotionally drained. It was the final straw after 6 yrs ttc.He was really quite worried about me-as he knows i am strong and always pulled myself out of the dumps.But i just couldnt this time. I think he was also worried at where it left our relationship as he thought i could always leave and go odd and try with someone else(his words) especially as he was the one not keen to do ivf. .He felt he didnt have the option as he has a dd to support.So i had to think of all this as well, whether i wanted us to break up and try with someone else further down the line or go it alone-have a baby but no husband.

It was a difficult time- i had thought about counselling also.Didnt go in the end as i felt calmer when i was off work and only had to see people i wanted to see.I may eventually go to counselling(especially nxt year after my sister gets married and might be pg as i know it will kill me). I finally told my mum and dad about our failed treatment(dh doesnt know i went into it all-he is really private but i knew thay wouldnt tell him) but i had to let go.I also told my sister in March -she always suspected but it was good to get it out in the open.

Have you spoken to friends or family about your tx? Maybe that could help.My dh hasnt told anyone of our treatment and thats his choice, but as women i think we need to talk thru our feelings. Sometimes our partners are too close.

Take care- good luck in your exams!! Love and hugs xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Ermey and Irisheyes
These are really difficult times and its as if life will not get back to some reality where we are not over consumed with Infertility...
Thats the awful thing about life is that we have no choice but to go through all of this and i wouldn't wish this upon anybody...
Ermey as Irisheyes pointed out sometimes we need to step back and i know that your University is the thing that keeps you going, but it may be giving you  even more added pressure at the moment?...Maybe just stand back and look after yourself emotionally at the moment as this is a priority...On the other hand we all have different ways of coping and maybe this is what you need at the moment...
Concerning the counsellor if she didn't feel right then its not worth persuing it with this person...have you contacted your local Gp and explained to them if they know of a good counsellor that is abit more local to you...or you can contact British counselling association who can put you in contact with a counsellor who specialises in infertility/grief counselling.
Your Dh will know that you are unhappy they sense everything. As he is really close to you maybe it would be best to let him know how you are really truly feeling..if you share it with the persons you care about most then you can work through it together....as Irisheyes said is there anyone close you can talk to? if they are good friends they will always be there for you.....eventually i found out who my real friends were and they have been with me all through these crap years....
I recently went on a workshop with Meredith back in November and it was a group of us who were at different stages of going through IF. It was the best thing that i could have done and to be surrounded by people that really truly understood..But the thing that i got from it then stood out for me, was to find a way to address the real issues. To work through the tears and as awful as this may seem but to face those real emotions..If we do not do that then how can we move on? I understand we all have different ways of coping but in time it will get alittle easier (i know that word sounds foreign to you at the moment) We eventually do find a way to live with it, although it doesn't totally go away....
Ermey there are other options out there but you are still in the midst of dealing with a hugh amount of grief...Be kind to yourself, you have already made the first step by sharing it with us....
lots of love astridxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Dear Ermey

There's not a lot I can add to the comments of the others really, I just wanted to send you a cyber-hug and to tell you that you sound completely and totally normal to me.  It's an extremely difficult emotional process you're going through, let alone the Uni stuff which some people find difficult enough on its own, so try not to be hard on yourself.  

flipper


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Ermey,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.  It feels so isolating doesn't it?

Just to re-iterate what the other lovely girls on here have said, I too, think the best we can hope for in all of this is to find a way of dealing with it and that unfortunately means we "literally" have to "find our way" through experiencing all this crap.  Hopefully, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.  And by that I mean, we will eventually, be able to find peace and learn to live with this..... hard as it is.

I think a little "time out" would be good too.  You are still grieving the dream you once had.    It is so difficult.  I don't know what to say.

It is so difficult to drag yourself back up when you're feeling so low.  I tend to just "accept" the bad days, have a good cry - don't dwell on it and then get on with my next day without thinking too much about "why", "how", "when".  This helps me deal with it a bit better than I did 7 years ago so I think I'm making some progress.  dont get me wrong, it still hurts and it's still horrible but I feel a bit stronger in being able to find my way of coping.  I try to stay determined and not let this crap beat me.

You're in a difficult place just now because you're grieving for your own biolgical child but you haven't "given up" altogether.  You're still being faced with difficult choices.  Its a bit like being in "limboland".  I think it's impossible to move on until you've either given up tx altogether or else been forced to.

Fight back girl!  Stay strong, look after yourself AND your DH.  You are both all that matters and if other people don't understand, it's their loss.  

Good luck
Love Gill xo


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