# Moving on - i know its for the best but how do you do it?



## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Hi - I am trying to move on after getting a bfn from our last frosties - we agreed it would be our last cycle so I was really hoping it was going to work (if that makes sense?!). I know moving on is the best thing to do for all of us, we can't go through another m/c or bfn or just tx in general. I hate that DS has less attention or has me being short with him because I'm just upset / hormonal, its all doing my head in. I just want to move on & be that fun mummy that I always thought I would be.

The funny thing is I think in one way it is better to just have DS - means I can go back to work (he is over 2 now so more than ready for nursery) and get some of 'my' life back whilst also just enjoying having a family. We will have more money, DS may even be able to go to private school, we'll be able to afford holidays and things... if we had another I would have been out of work for another 2yrs, with a stressed DH shouldering everything (he has been v stressed about this). So really it makes sense but...I still ache for the babies that died - especially the last one, I just thought we'd finally got there...but then I also thought that when i got pg with DS. Before DS I would say 'all i want is 1 baby, not much to ask?'. i am so very grateful for DS and feel guilty for ever wanting any more and in a way that maybe all this happened because I was being too greedy!

also - most of my friends from nct are pg or have just had their 2nd and i find it really hard (most of them know about the last m/c) to face them all and just get teary and then feel annoyed with myself - why can't i just get on with it? And I feel sooo jealous, keep thinking 'that should've been me', I know its wrong but I can't stop it!

Also - I don't know if anyone else feels this but I am feeling extremely anxious about DS - what if something happens to him? He's my only child, I really dont' know what I'd do without him. These feelings are so strong they're scary & I'm worried i'm going to wrap him in cotton wool too much / spoil him too much and he'll feel suffocated & run off when he's older. And what will happen to him if / when me & DH die? He won't have any siblings (for family 'connection'). Me & my sister are very close and we've been through a lot together (v dysfunctional upbringing) so I just wanted him to have that too.

But...I need to be brave as we just need to move on now.

How does everyone else do it? Sometimes I just want to curl into a little ball & make the world disappear just for a little while. (think I need a holiday lol)

Wombly x


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## ClarissaN (Jan 1, 2012)

What a heartfelt post - I'm sure that a lot of us can really associate with some of the things that you're feeling. I think today is a really low day for a lot of us for one reason or another. For the first time, I also want to curl up in a ball and just shut everything out. 

I'm not in the same place as you - just starting out really (although have suffered a m/c at 12 weeks in the past) - but I think it's safe to say it's hard at every stage of this process. 

I'm sending you a virtual hug and letting you know that it's ok to be kind to yourself


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## beans33 (Jan 26, 2008)

Wombly I've just read your post and feel exactly the same. Today I found out at 6 weeks that I'm miscarrying, I started bleeding this morning and passed what looked like the sac and went for a scan to find nothing at all. Id had good bloods up until then. I have a son who is 3 and he's due to start nursery at school although he attends now and I just feel after planning for him to be at his new school for when the baby arrives to having nothing and him at school just really hard to cope with. We don't want to do ivf again as like you say it's so difficult to function but also my need for a brother or sister not just for him but I was looking forward to doing it differently this time as I struggled the first time. I also haven't got any work to go back too as I work with my mum and after illness has decided to sell the business so I feel a bit lost. 

I hope you come to terms with it but wanted to let you know I do feel what you do so you aren't alone. Xx


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Beans - I am so sorry for your m/c    - these things really do take their toll as its not just a baby that's gone, as you say its the hopes & dreams and everything you've planned, but its still very raw for you so I hope you are able to rest & grieve. i wouldn't worry about planning too much at the moment (job wise) as you may just feel everything is getting on top of you. But try to get something to look forward to (a holiday?) otherwise things can seem so bleak.

Clarissa - thanks for your post & sorry for your m/c too  - i don't think you ever forget. but i hope your ivf is successful   

I'm still trying to focus on the positives of only having one child, i'm sure I'll always feel that ache for another but hopefully over time it will become less & less. i've been through so much tx it feels a bit odd not thinking about the next one again but I guess that's not a particularly healthy way of thinking anyway (can ivf become an addiction?!). I need to think about what's going on with life *now* otherwise I'm going to miss it...
x


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## beans33 (Jan 26, 2008)

Wombly thank you and I agree with you. Tx is addictive and it is hard to stop. I hope and prayer that both of us can move forward and enjoy our little ones otherwise like you say blink and you miss it. Xx 

Let me know how things work out for you xx


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## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

ah Wombly   

I could have wrote your postr myself and feel so pleased that i took a look on this thread and found you! Your feeling about your DS are the same as me, im so worried that something will happen to my DD and im constantly scared about 'loosing' her   

like you i keep telling myself the benefits of us being a family of 3 and how amazing our life will be with our miracle DD however i feel so sad that i wont experience another pregnancy, birth and the joy of having another baby......but mainly that my DD will grow up as an only child 

please keep in touch honey and we can share this journey together 

much love
Suze xx


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## PMA (Jan 5, 2008)

Hi wombly 
Like the other ladies we had our "last" bfn yesterday and prior to getting it had decided that it was our last go for a sibling. However now it is here I am having second thoughts.  I am so grateful we have our amazing dd and on our first go and soo lucky our bfn's came afterwards. I really don't know how I would cope making this decision if we didn't have her.
Dd is very special and I am always saying be careful like you I hope she can be "normal" despite her abnormal mummy   
Suze like you I want so much to feel a baby kick again and dd would love a sibling soooo much I feel as if I don't give it another go I am letting her down. I was trying to convince myself that actually the treatment I can handle (despite ohss possibilities) its the 2ww I couldn't. 
Beans33 really sorry for you it is such a cruel world sometimes. 
We do need to make the most of every minute with them because before long they will be teenagers ( gulp! She will always be my baby!!!)
Love and hugs to you all


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Suze & PMA - thanks for your posts.

I still haven't really been able to move on. have started looking for a job now so fingers crossed something will come up soon. Am hoping a change (and a bit of normality?) will help. 
But I have been feeling really bitter towards friends who are pregnant with their 2nd, I wish I could feel happy for them as it makes me feel so selfish and I hate this bitter feeling as I know I wouldn't want someone feeling that way towards me if I was pg with no.2...but still I just can't stop myself   

Went to see consultant for our follow-up appt (after last bfn) and that made both me & DH really emotional and we've both been all over the place really. DH was asking questions about my fertility and how much difference would 2yrs make...Dr said 12months would hardly make any difference but 2yrs will make more of a difference. So we are thinking about leaving it for a year. Time for me to get a job, get some of 'me' back and then see how we feel (never know I might not want to go again - but this is doubtful lol).

I am already feeling a bit better towards pg friends knowing that I might try again in 12mths but I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could just accept having DS as an only child and move on...its so annoying!!! And so is my worry about DS, i don't want to wrap him in cotton wool but I'm also feeling really clingy towards him. DH had to take him on the slides & things when we went swimming the other day as I just can't do it, i keep thinking about all these things that could happen to him and then I would lose him...maybe this is natural??!! (or maybe I really am   )

In a way I'm hoping the next 12mths will help me to accept our life as a family of 3 as I'm not sure how I would be if we tried again and it was another bfn or m/c...wouldn't it be nice if there were some guarantees!!

Wombly x


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Hello all,
Would you mind if I joined your chat as you're the friends I'm missing. Just about everything you've all written is so true for me.

I'm currently in a very low place having had a missed mc at 9 weeks after 3 years of ttc and have discovered that I'm now really isolated. Our only friends where we live are those we met through NCT nearly 4 years ago and now they are all either pregnant or have young babies. They helped look after my daughter whilst I went for IVF scans etc so they knew I was pg & equally needed their help childminding over the miscarriage so again they are aware of that. I got texts from them the day I found out our twins heartbeats had stopped but since then only 1 of our "friends" has been in contact. I feel really hurt by their responses - am hoping they think that I wouldn't want to be around them but am now even more nervous about seeing them. We meet every Friday afternoon and I know that I should try and join them again soon but just don't know how I'm going to cope sat in someone's lounge for 3 hours looking at everyone's big bellies and little babies.

Wombly, the sense of fear that something might happen to you LO is huge with me. My dd is so precious that I know if something happened to her I wouldn't cope. Even simple things like her playgroup going on trip to local shops means I spend the entire morning worrying and don't sleep the night before. I wish I could be more relaxed about it as I'm worried that long term my fears will be detrimental to her.

The ability to move away from tx is so hard even though deep down I know that it has taken over our lives for so long. It impacts on everything and does mean that our whole lives are centered around it. It was ridiculous that once we'd finally got our BFP the first thing we thought we could do was book a holiday as for once we thought we wouldn't need to wait until last minute in case we were involved in treatment at time. I can imagine that if you're strong enough to actually move away from tx the sense of relief must be huge as you can finally live again. But in my case I'm not sure even if dh & I said no more IVF I'd be able to switch off as our infertility is unexplained so theoretically we could get pg naturally.

Sorry to have written so much - really needed to just get a few feelings out.

Wombly really hope you are able to take those 12 months off and actually get some normal family time. I'm sure you will all be much happier doing so. I doubt you will ever be able to stop wanting another child but hopefully you'll find ways to enjoy being a family of 3 if you're not having to live your life trying for an addition. If I was younger I would definitely follow your lead. Lots of luck with the job hunt  

Beans - hope you're doing ok x


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Fififi - so sorry, I haven't been on FF for ages and have just seen your post    
How are you doing? I am sorry to hear about your m/c, its such an awful thing to go through and I know its probably still early days for you. I know exactly how you feel with the NCT thing, there is 8 of us all together and all but 2 of us are pg / recently had 2nd babies - it has left me feeling quite claustrophobic but I guess that's the nature of the game, I am, after all a SAHM..so life, and talk is going to be about children / babies all the time. i have managed to avoid them when feeling really low and see them when feeling stronger (and then cry / feel low about it afterwards!). 
My 'moving on' hasn't been going too well. I nearly got 2 jobs (got to 2nd interview on both) and have now decided I don't think i can do 'full time' anyway. i know I'm lucky in being able to be a SAHM (even though we are skint!) and I want to spend these years with DS if I can as he may be my only child...
i haven't been able to get over the mmc or accept the fact that we said we wouldn't try any more. i am currently on anti-depressants and have just started seeing a counsellor. So my hope that 'it would all go away' and I would accept it in time hasn't worked for me. i haven't been able to move on and I feel like i'm stuck on the wrong escalator, every time I try to move up it moves down so I stay in the same place...

We have decided we would like to give it one more go (its always one more eh) but i want to try and get my head straight (and save up!), I know I haven't got all the time in the world but i think if I give this counselling a go hopefully I can be in a better place before our next (and final) ICSI.

Wombly x


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Wombly -    

Not got time to post properly now as catching up with work stuff and must get it done tonight, but just wanted to send you a few hugs. I'll post real msg in next few days xxxxx


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