# Bit of a blow



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello  
We went to info evening at LA in May. The SW there said that because we had ivf in feb we couldn't start prep until 6 months had passed but that we could start filling in forms etc. She said from 1st July the new process kicks in which is all the paperwork up front followed by assessment period so we could start in July with paperwork part. 

Spoke to a VA who agreed and said we could also do the same there. But we went with LA as had such a good vibe from the info evening. 

We filled in and sent in enquiry form shortly afterwards and a different SW phoned me to discuss our form the other day. TBH I didn't like him so much as the SWs at he info evening but just hope we don't get him as our allocated SW. 
He said there was a prep group in September at one of their consortium partners and as it would be nearer to where we live, and would be 6 months after our last ivf we could possibly go to that. 
We felt so positive and excited. Just waiting for one of his colleagues to phone to arrange initial home visit.  

But then I emailed him today to ask what the September prep dates were as we plan to book a holiday around end August/ early Sept and didn't want to clash with prep. 
He replied saying that "just as he thought"? we cannot start any paperwork until September and that we shouldn't worry ourselves with prep dates yet as have to do all paperwork first, starting at the earliest September. He said all other agencies would be the same (which wasn't what the VA said). The only reason I knew there was a September prep was because he had told me we could possibly go on it.  

I'm so disappointed. Really fed up of waiting, we have made our minds up and feel ready to start. I understand about grieving loss of birth child hopes blah blah but we have thought about it for a long time and only had our last ivf because it was our second NHS freebie and the previous LA i had contacted told me we couldn't have a toddler as DH is over 45! But now we have found this to be untrue we are very keen to adopt as our first choice now instead of more ivf. We have seen a counsellor, which I had told him about, and there is no doubt in our minds that this is right for us. 

I'm annoyed that they got our hopes up and now we are just waiting again. I guess there is nothing I can do but I will just express our disappointment at being led on. 

Just wondered how do you all cope with the waiting around. Been waiting all my life for a family, feel so upset after being so excited. 
Also scared in case they make us wait and then reject us. No reason why they should, except that I have had clinical depression a few times. I'm scared to death it will come back whilst we are waiting around as I'm coming to the end of my patience after all we have been through. Need some positivity that's all. It's hard after being pushed back.  
I'm not worried about depression affecting my ability to parent as always manage to keep going, and get help, and am fine on meds and then recover well etc, it's never been really serious, no hospitalisation or suicide risks at all, my consultant says he thinks it will actually be good for me to have a family whichever way and he wouldn't be concerned at all, I am just worried that SWs will see it as a problem. It was on our enquiry form and SW on phone did say people with history of depression do adopt and that nobody is perfect!! Which actually ****** me off as I don't see depression necessarily as an 'imperfection'. 
But I don't feel able to relax and enjoy our couple time as not 100% sure they will accept us. If they don't then we would explore ivf again as back up to getting a family but obviously can't leave that too long cos of my age (3. Really want to adopt anyway. Would the initial visiting SW be able to tell us realistically if we have a good chance or not?

Any advice? Why is the road to motherhood so damn difficult for some of us! 

Goofy Girl xx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi honey. You need to have patience in planet adoption. We started the process in March last year and we'll be going to panel in September. We've been given wrong dates, not heard any for months etc. Finally we are getting closer to having our own little one!ggood luck xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Oh it does take ages and some of the waiting is hard.  However, why not call the VA again and ask them about the rules.  My understanding is you can apply to more than one agency and you only choose one to stick with once you are accepted by them.  It might not be too late to change.  Big hugs!!  Read the other forums to help reassure you that, however long it might take, it does come right in the end!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Jes! Thanks Katie, 

Actually reading my post back I do sound rather crazy  
September isn't much further away than July. I'm just chomping at the bit to get going.  

Will have to try to find some patience, and breathe!!! Might speak to VA again anyway. 
Lots of friends getting BFPs at the moment, just desperate desperate desperate to have some good news of our own to share.  

Best wishes to you both, AK you're very nearly there, and Jes not far off! And well done for being so patient!!  
GG xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Sorry to hear you have been mislead and find yourselves having to wait a bit longer.  If you are not happy with waiting you could phone round and find another agency but, tbh, September isn't that far away and with summer holidays coming up most agencies slow down.  The new process should make things quicker all round so its not as though you'll have a long assessment time.

The best way of coping with the waiting is to keep busy!  What child care experience do you have?  Most agencies will want you to have recent experience so you could look into helping at a school as a volunteer listening to pupils reading, at a nursery or Brownies/Beavers.  You could do some reading about adoption, attachment etc.  This will show your commitment.  Any little jobs you want doing around the house?  Do enjoy your couple time because the process can be full on (would imagine more so with it speeded up).

Anything you are worried about, such as the clinical depression, turn it into a positive.  You got help, thats a positive.  You recovered, another positive.  You know what to look out for so you'll be able to seek help if you need it in the future, post adoption depression is something you should be aware of.  Some agencies do have a problem with depression but there are others out there that realise the majority of couples going through adoption will have been through a lot of heartache first trying to have and then accepting not having a baby of their own.

The initial visit will give SS a good idea whether they would take you on as potential adopters, though obviously the homestudy can, and does in some cases, throw up issues that can cause delays or couples have to stop the process.  However, what one agency refuses isn't necessarily what every agency refuses so don't be afraid to try a different one if needed.

Good luck
OT x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks OT
I've just made enquiries to help a childminder friend and also going to try nursery volunteering. 
Got started on some books but it's making me even more keen to start! 
There are a few things we could do around the house but I'm scared to spend our savings in case we don't get accepted and then I'll just feel so bad looking at our new bathroom, spare room etc. But we will have to take the risk I suppose, can't be on hold all the time. 
Think I might catch up with some friends too now I'm not TTC and can have a glass of beer now and then  
And am going to have highlights in my hair, wanted them for ages but didn't cos of TTC. 
Exercising again too which was on hold for TTC, was scared to over exert myself! Might even get fit!

They did say that the process will be much quicker going forward so hopefully they will stay true to their word. 
xx


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

I've had the you must wait six months thing too. Then I found out from someone on this forum that they weren't being made to wait at all. Absolutely disgusting. Not sure why perhaps we're too old or maybe they just don't want stay at home mums no idea. Once we're through process elsewhere wil be smacking the la concerned with a complaint and making sure the local press know just exactly how bad a service they are running for the porr kids left waiting so long in care when there are good people waiting to adopt.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Yes well said Maisy. 
Not fair that they have different rules is it? 

I guess we will be starting at around the same time so will see you on a support thread soon


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Sorry to hear you haven't been happy with what you've seen recently from your LA.  like others have said, you can still shop around - some agencies want you to wait six months, some don't and no harm in ringing round quite a few as you aren't tied until you sign the application.  Whatever you decide, try and use the time you are waiting to spend as much time with your other half as possible, doing things you keep putting off, going out for meals or weekends away as you might not get the chance again for a while once things start to move on planet adoption  .  We've gone out for meals / weekends away / holiday far more than we ever did in the last six months or so and it really has helped us put the waiting into perspective.
Depression shouldn't be an issue, particularly as you deal with it appropriately when it happens - my dh suffers from it and has been on medication twice and is on it at the moment and we are coming towards the end of hs.  Like you he just gets on with things so won't affect his ability to parent and he has been happy to talk to sw about it which I think helps - I think problems start when people try and hide it or any illness or condition for that matter.  The adoption medical officer talked to us on the prep course and talked about a range of things, including depression, which she didn't see as an issue so long as they are managed properly.  She said the only person who had failed their medical for all the years she had been doing the job, was someone who had anger management issues and didn't want his gp to put that in the report, so he hit the gp when he said it would have to go in!! 
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Sq9
Thanks that's reassuring to hear about the medical. I will be very open about the depression with the SW

Goodness, fancy hitting the GP! Just as well they aren't adopting! 

Good luck to you too xxx


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

I must admit there doesn't seem to be any standards re 'time to wait after tx' between LA/VA  - mind you there doesn't seem to be any standard process for the whole adoption process across the country   

GG - i would say try to enjoy the summer as may well be your last summer just with you and hubby! our experience has been that we had last tx in July 2012 & lost at 8 weeks in Aug 2012. Has initial SW visit in April 2013 & hoped to start prep in April, but was booked into July as was told April was too soon after our loss. My initial reaction was bugger - 3 months to wait, but actually hubby & I have thoroughly enjoyed the past 10 weeks. We have got on with some chores around the house & garden, enjoyed loads of 'date nights', catch up with friends & having friends with kids for sleep overs, looked into what we can do re getting our childcare experience & hubby started that, read an adoption book, i've read all the adoption posts/threads which have been invaluable & I actually think mentally we are in a better place and more prepared to start Prep Group/ the process than we would have been if we'd started in April. I have also met up with 2 couples who have adopted, one only afew months in & one 4.5 years down the line and that was extremely valuable and made me realise we were doing the right thing.

Perhaps phone the VA, but also might be worth speaking to the LA again & ask them to explain the new process & timescales as well as asking them if its possible for them to share the topics for HS & homework that you'll need to do. As least that way you could start doing some of the homework over the summer in draft so not to be rushed when you start  

Good luck with your journey


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Lizard
Good advice. DH said we should try to enjoy ourselves and do stuff to the house too. 
I'm sure the time will fly by really. 
Yes would be good to at least know what will be expected. 
Xx


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

We also had a very long wait for prep course for the exact same reason. It was 10 months from our initial call before we finally got on a course. What I will say is when it did come our sw said well you 2 get points or perseverance! From the day of the course things moves fast much faster than anyone else on our course due to the long wait we had endured. We have now finished home study and have our panel date for September whilst everyone else on our course is still at reference stage. We felt like giving up so much but very glad now we stuck in there. Good luck to you


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Jess
Bet wishes for your panel and beyond. 

I'm hoping that once we start things will move quickly under the new regime it is supposed to, but I get the impression that SS are still trying to differentiate between their arses and elbows so am sure it won't run as smoothly as hoped. 

But yes the prize at the end will be so amazing. It's definitely what we want so har no choice but to hang in there. 
Cheers GG xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

You will find many differences between agencies as you go through the process and compare with others from across the country.  You have to remember the agencies have guidelines and everyone who reads them will take a different view on the translation.
OT x


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## pnkrobin (Dec 19, 2011)

I hope I can allay some of your fears with my experiences. Firstly waiting time. We were told we had to wait 6mths after TX by LA but ended up going with VA who met with us 2 mths after TX and we were on prep course 5 mths after TX. But you still have to go with the one you feel happier with. I felt the VA totally "got us" and for me it wasn't a hard decision. 
Secondly depression. My biggest fear was not getting approved as I have experienced 2 episodes of clinical depression. I was honest and did have to be. I felt I was justifying myself all the time due to my insecurity over it. But yes we were approved and it is included on our PAR which is fair enough. It might of been a hindrance in links that didn't get taken up by SWs but looking back - and even at the time - I was ok with it. I'm sure things will turn out ok for you. x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi pnkrobin 

Thanks for your reply. We go away in a couple of weeks so when I get back if we haven't heard about initial home visit them I'm going to get back in touch with VA. 
But I'm hoping the LA will be in touch and that our SW will be better than the one I spoke to recently. 

Good to hear you've been approved and linked. Wish you all the best with that, very exciting. And good luck. 

Thanks for the sharing of your experience of depression. I really feel ok with it just hope they do. On a positive note I haven't relapsed since coming off meds last time despite some extremely traumatic events. SW at open day agreed this was a positive as it shows I am resilient. 

I guess we will get there eventually just as you are really getting somewhere now. 
GG xx


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