# trying to cope but not



## Emms80 (Feb 22, 2012)

Really in need of writing down how im feeling. I constantly feel on the verge of tears and my head is racing.

I made it through xmas and did have a lovely time. Ive never really looked forward to new years but thought id try and see it as a fresh start and was trying to remain positive. Then bam.......oh's 19 year old cousin announces shes prg! Another that wasnt even trying! Night ruined, dont want to go anywhere for new years, feel sick and loads of tears. 

I feel crap, i constantly feel on the verge of a breakdown and its getting harder to pick myself up. Whenever anyone says 'have you heard the news' or 'ive got some news' my stomach flips and i brace for whats to come. Theres about 10 prgs i know of around me now and my best friends has just had a baby. I have no where to turn, no one to talk to and no where to escape it. Just put on a fake smile and struggle through only to breakdown at home. Will have months of hearing about this prg now and seeing family buy baby things, only just finished hearing about best friends prg!

Oh i sound awful and jeallous dont i??

Why does it feel so personal. Shouldnt i be happy for them?


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Emms80   no you don't sound awful at all, you sound like your heart is breaking because you so desperately want what seems to come so easy to others.

I totally know how you feel, I dread every time someone says have you heard too.  Only a few days ago, I got a message saying 'lets go out, we have something to celebrate' and my heart absolutely sunk, I felt sick instantly and filled with tears!  The next message to follow was nothing to do with a pregnancy announcement but a celebration of something else, the relief I felt was unbelievable, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted, I smiled and then couldn't believe the emotions I went through in the space of 5 mins.  

It's so so hard.  I'm glad you have posted here if you feel you have nowhere else to turn, there's nothing worse than having to bottle things up and not be able to vent.

Do you have any plans that you can focus on? x


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Emms80, I was writing your exact words almost word for word a week ago on xmas day. I just found out another of my colleagues at work is pregnant. So I know when i go back into work tomorrow i have that to contend with on top on another pregnancy & a colleague who's wife has just had a newborn over xmas  plus another 15 or so people i know inc one of my best friends who is 14 weeks with her second pregnancy.

I can relate exactly to how your feeling as will the majority if not all the women on here. 

The only thing that is helping me after my second ivf failed a week before xmas is to plan & research. Where are you up to with treatment? Some people wouldn't recommend throwing yourself into your treatment & plans as a distraction but it helps me to feel like I'm doing something & that i have some sort of control over the situation.

I suppose what I'm really doing is trying not to focus too much on other people & their lives & try to work mine out the best i can.

Iv been on this board constantly over the last week & i must say its helped me to not feel as alone & to gain an understanding that every emotion i feel other women are feeling the exact same. Were human, its fine to be jealous. Its a human emotion which comes naturally. It doesn't make us bad people. When you feel jealous when someone has a new car, or job etc you dint feel guilty for it do you? So whats the difference? It took me all last year working with a counsellor to finally let go of the guilt when i was feeling jealous or resentful. Its completely normal. Don't beat yourself up about it please.

As for your family. Tell them how you feel. Tell them your happy for your cousin (even if your not) lol but tell them it hurts & that you understand they will want to talk about the baby etc but not in front of you. I haven't seen my best friend since she was 3 months pregnant & shes now got a 6 month old baby girl because i just cant handle it. I actually dont even really feel guilty now except in my very dark hours because we have enough to deal with without carrying that guilt on top. Its self preservation at the end of the day. We didn't ask for this but were the ones that have to live through it the best we can.

My husband & I have decided in 2013 were being completely selfish & standing up for ourselves more. If we dont want to see someone or go somewhere we wont be. Simple as. 

I'm also constantly on the look out for another announcement & my heart sinks everytime i hear or see the words 'I'm pregnant'. It takes me at least a full day to cry, rant & feel sorry for myself. I cant tell you it gets easier to hear it as it doesn't I'm afraid. The only advise i can say is go with the emotions you feel when you hear it, cry & rant all you want. But the next day try to pick yourself up again.

I'm not sure where you up to with treatment but this time last year after my failed clomid cycles & before my first ivf i completely broke down as in had a emotional breakdown. I ended up taking 6 weeks off work (something iv never ever done before). Nothing can prepare you for this journey. But we don't have a choice do we? The alternative is to give up which i personally cant do until iv exhausted all the options. I keep telling myself one way or the other i will have a child in my life. It keeps me going everyday.

Try to get yourself a little support network. Are your mum & husband understanding? Mine are fab & are the only 2 who really understand so i always go to them when I'm feeling down or need to rant. I also saw a counsellor for a few months. Not an infertility counsellor but one thru work who is also CBT. This helped in some ways to also talk with a stranger & she gave me a lot of thought processes i still try to use.

Chin up, you can PM if you ever need to chat.

Nicole x


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## Emms80 (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It has made me feel less alone with these feelings and know there are others out there who completely understand.

Sounds completely like self pitty but all ive done today is feel sorry for myself, cry and sleep. It seems to have come at the worst time as i really didnt want to start the new year like this and we are nearing the end of our rounds of clomid and then its onto ?

I know what you mean about being selfish and not going to things. Over xmas i turned down two invites because of prg ladies being there or new babies. I havent seen my best friend with her baby for over a month and she thinks i havent got time for her now which is far from it, i have but its too painful for me. Even though i have done these things to protect myself it makes me feel even more isolated and guilty.

Our families dont know what we are going through. I dont want to tell them as i dont want all the fuss and questions and the have u tried this things. Now i feel like im going to have to back away from oh's family due to this new prg in a bid to protect my emotions but will be hard as we are so close.

Tomorrow im going to try and pick myself up. Ive wallowed today.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Emma I would really advise you to tell someone what is going on . We told no-one for a long time because I hate being a burden and we are very private people we never really share what is happening in our lives. However I told my sister who has been really supportive who then told my parents for me (with my permission.) I have had an awful 2 years with infertility, a number of close family dying and insensitive idiots around us. Without the support of those we have I would have gone crazy. I'm not going to tell you everyone is great , they are not a lot of people made it worse. However if you tell 5 people 4 will probably be idiots but 1 will be the person you need to help you through. Please don't suffer alone x


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am so sorry you are feeling like this    It is hard when someone else - be it a family, friend, work colleague etc... announces a pregnancy. At first I get upset but now it doesnt bother as much and this came because I realised that not all seemed perfect when I scracted the surface ( husband/boyfriend didnt reall want the the baby, doesnt help, struggling financially, had a baby to keephold of the guy) My miscarriage also showed me what I had- fab friends and family,an amazing husband who held my hand, wiped my tears  and has been my rock throughout this infertility journey-not conplained about taking the vitamins and supplements, taken the clinics phonecalls (as I cant as I am a teacher) been there for every scan, blood test, acupuncture appt etc... when I speak to friends about this - they all say how their husbands would not do IVF, etc.. and I am always so thank full that if we are not blessed with children I have an amazing husband.

I know it is hard - especially when all people do is post scans and photos on **- but it does get better!


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## Emms80 (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks everyone I really appreciate everyone replying it really does help to know that other get just how hard all this can be to cope with. 

Well I have ranted, cried and moped around and given myself time but now im trying to pick myself up. I think its just a matter of taking each day as it comes and just going with how I feel and not feeling guilty and beating myself up about it. 

xx


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## MrsButtercup (Jan 31, 2013)

You echo my feelings exactly. Having watched friends go through infertility quite openly, and saw how hard it was, my husband and I decided to tell nobody of our own challenges. Not even our family or closest of friends. To cope with the continual insensitive comments from work colleagues 'ooh, you'll be next' etc (there are currently 6 pregnancies at work too) I've even tried to claim I don't want children to get them to stop asking when we'll be starting a family...if only they knew of the private heartache we have been going through. It is so, so very hard.

******** is a constant trauma too - I feel surrounded by babies and my heart sinks each time I see another photograph, or someone sharing news, which of course then makes me feel like a horrible person. Especially as I know that many of those precious little ones didn't come without their own heartache too. 

This is my first post on here, as today I decided I can't go it alone anymore. Just reading your comments makes me feel much less isolated. Thank you so much.


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## Emms80 (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi mrsbuttercup. Its so hard and such a rollercoaster isnt it. Everytime i think im coping something triggers it off again...a photo or status on ********, another announcement, one born on the tv, seeing families and babies everywhere. 

This site does really help to realise that what you feel is completely normal and that there are others who do really understand. 

If you ever want a chat feel free to message me x


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Emms, I just wanted o say I'm sorry you're feeling like this! It is such a torturous emotional journey and so terribly heartbreaking!  I feel exactly the same as you do!  Our first cycle resulted in an ectopic and the second was negative.  I feel like my world has fallen apart!  I really don't know how I will cope.  My sister, sister in law and several friends are all pregnant and it's tearing me apart.  I feel so awful for feeling like this but I can't bear the heartache any more.  And like you say, babies are everywhere, reminding you of what you so desperately want but don't have. Life is so cruel.  I he you are feeling a little brighter, like you say, one day at a time.  Wishing lots of luck and love, Emma xxx


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## mamadreams (Feb 9, 2011)

Emms80--

I could have written your post myself. I feel the SAME way. It's like I have this super power babydar--those words--"I've got great news" cause my stomach to move into my throat. Like Daisy-Chain said, it's just your your/our heart breaking at something that some people it comes to easily. I wish I had answers for you. I really do. I've distanced myself from so many people. The good thing about this board is people can honest to goodness understand what you are going through and all the crazy jealously, crying, avoiding pg friends and baby showers---it's all normal for the hand we've been dealt with. I'm American, but have lived in Europe for 6 years. I feel lucky that I get to miss baby showers in the US, but living here and being in the expat groups--almost everyone is a corporate mommy who moved overseas for her husbands company--so they are very involved in the baby groups, toddler groups, etc.... 

I also agree on telling someone. I have a few friends (who all have kids) who have been wonderful to me and supportive, even though they can't fullly understand. I finally told my mom while I was home for Christmas. She only knew about one out of the five unsuccessful IVF's. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders for her to finally know. No one can fully understand unless they've traveled this journey...but some friends will really try. And some won't--you'll always find some insensitive jackholes. 

And ********--although wondeful is many ways---is an infertiles (hate that word) nightmare! 

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! 

MamaDreams


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## Emms80 (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi guys, thanks for your replies. It really does help to hear that others totally understand what its like. 

I am right back with these feelings again. It truely is a rolller coaster ride. Ive had a few months where it hurt but I was able to cope and push through it but Im right back to feeling all the ache, hurt and pain of it all. This hurts so much, such a deep hurt that I just dont know how to cope with   Im really back to feeling blue again. 

Im beginning to feel less and less positive about things. I wonder what I have done so wrong, am I being punished for something, is there something in my life thats not right?


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Emms, I feel exactly the same, do I deserve all this punishment? What did I do wrong? It's an awful feeling   Like you say, you go through brighter patches and think you're beginning to cope, but then it all comes flooding back and hits you like a ten ton train! It's the relentless day after day after of feeling trapped in this sadness and wondering if/when it will end   I hope our positivity soon returns and that our days get a bit brighter again soon. Sending you lots of love and some positive thoughts and sorry I've not helped, just wanted you to know you're not alone   much love Emma xxx


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## snj38 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi all. I'm new to this thread and just did our first icsi with great embies that resulted in BFN. My husbands been amazing but I can't stop crying. Feeling reallllly angry @ the world and everywhere I go there seem to be pregnant women! If it wasn't bad enough getting bfn today, AF returns to laugh in my face on the same day. Fed up


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi girls

Read through all the posts and I feel exactly the same.  It is just torture.  

Snj38.  Sorry to hear about your bfn.  I too got a bfn today and am utterly crushed, have cried and cried and cried all day long!    

Wishing us all happier times soon xx


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## snj38 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi louisej sorry to hear your news today to. Things are so unfair. All I can say is I know exactly how u feel right now. *hugs*


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