# Any single over 40's going it alone?



## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi Ladies

i initially posted my message below on the single ladies forum but thought i would also post it on this one. I am both over 40 and single. Would love to hear any feedback - good or bad!

I'm wondering if there are any single women here who have already had children alone? I was all set to go ahead with it after a huge amount of deliberation. Recently had a failed cycle of IVF using fresh eggs and now i'm planning to use eggs i had frozen 6 years ago. But for some reason i've just started to get cold feet in the last month or so. I don't know if it's my age or the fact that i keep hearing a lot of negative chatter from other people about my plans. My aunt thinks i'm too old and thinks i'm crazy. My mum, who was initially really supportive of my decision, has now made it clear that she thinks i would be taking on a huge life changing comittment and has made a point of telling me how i'll be a lot older than other mums that my child would be friends with and that it will be really hard going it alone and her and my dad (in their mid 60's) won't be able to help me much as they're getting too old. I totally understand what she is saying and respect it but it just feels like she doesn't support my decision now. (Of course i have thought about all the implications). Now my younger sister has also joined in saying that i will find it really hard being a single mum and asking me questions about how i'm going to cope in a way that lets me know she thinks i would be making a mistake. She is separated from her husband and has one child. I know she has found it very hard, partly because they had a very acrimonious split and she feels depressed and hates her life at the moment, partly because of the responsibilities of being a single mum. So i know this is probably bound to affect her opinion of my plans.

I guess i'm just looking for some positive feedback from anyone who has done it! I think grappling with the issues of not only being single but also being older is starting to really play on my mind a lot. Not sure if it's because the last couple of months since turning 45 i've started to feel a bit older and i think as someone coming to the end of my natural fertility, it is a very weird place to be thinking about starting a family. Although i think in reality i look and feel a lot younger than most women in their mid 40's (probably because i haven't had children ironically). I suspect i need some counselling to help me through many of the fears that i have (also about giving up my chance to meet someone and have a relationship etc).

Would love to hear anyone's thoughts!

thanks

Caroline xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Yes and loving it! 

Feel free to message me. Can chat on phone if that would help?


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

I don't have children and am doing this alone. EC on Wednesday, first IVF. 
I haven't told my family yet as I know they will worry about me and have the same kind of reaction. I know they will be supportive once it happens, I just don't want the 'hypothetical' discussions about how I will survive (my mum was a single mother NOT by choice) and how hard it is, especially as it may not happen. 
The way I look at it, I could have a partner, have a partner leave, millions of scenarios and still be doing
It single handedly. 
I have any friends that tell me even though they had a partner it didn't really make much practical difference, especially in the early years. 
Good luck with making your decision x


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Caroline - I really feel for you - but go with your gut instinct. I'm single and decided to go it alone as no man on the horizon! It has been hard but have not regretted it at all. I was 45 when I had first tx with DE at LWC - and one frozen DE - both BFNs. Then changed to CARE Sheffield - I was 46 when had treatment - had gone straight to DE due to my age and chances of success. I amazingly got a BFP - I now have a gorgeous little boy who was one in July. I love him unconditionally. I have 3 frozen embryos so am planning to try again for a sibling in Oct/Nov. I must be crazy!
I was worried about how people would react - my mother and sister totally supported me, but due to my mum's age, she's 86 she's not been able to give much practical support. My sister was initially supportive and loves my son to bits - but I've had loads of issues with her due to her desire to be a mum and her jealousy. She's also single. She loves to play and cuddle my son, but I've had no practical support from her. So I've more or less done it alone and it's been fine. Friends and work colleagues have been supportive, one in particular, and I've had loads of offers for babysitting. I reason that at least we won't have issues with custody or access with an acrimonious break up. I felt that if I didn't at least try, I'd regret it for ever. If a man comes along, he'll have to take us as a package of 2 - or with luck, 3! If not, at least I've got my gorgeous baby who's all mine! 
I've been out to groups and haven't mentioned my age - I just get accepted as a mum. I didn't have any issues either with medical staff - it was just mentioned with regard to tests and being monitored by a consultant, but everything was fine.
Good luck with  your decision
Deb


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi ladies
Thanks so much for your replies and support. I think I'm going to go ahead with it. I am nervous of several things though. I'm scared it won't work and I'll be devastated at my last chance of using my own eggs is gone. I'm scared it will work and I'll have twins and won't be able to cope alone (clinic said they would put back 2 embryos). I keep feeling a bit like a rabbit frozen in the headlights. It's very strange as a few months ago I was certain going ahead with it was the right decision. 
It's so great to hear your positive experiences though.

C xxx


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## FolicAcidIngester (Mar 23, 2012)

I know how you feel, I was apprehensive too, but -it turns out- without much justification. I had my son at age 45.5 with my own eggs and it's been an amazing and wonderful time. Family and friends have been supportive emotionally in the main but not practically but we've managed. As others have said i was treated like just another mother at the baby groups and did not receive any adverse comments from health professionals or staff. I too still hope to meet a guy but I must say my standards would be much higher now that i have this little perspective-giver knocking around. Re counselling/a psychologist, i think that could help support you through this. I've been in therapy for years and i think it has been invaluble in the last while...that'll make yiu more resilient for sure.
By all means pm me
FAI x


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## mogg77 (Nov 9, 2014)

I'm about to! Currently five months pregnant and turning 41 in October. It wasn't planned to be alone but my partner passed away in April. I too have been apprehensive so it's nice to see positive stories. I think the flip side of the coin is being older you have more experience of life and faith in your own abilities and feel more capable, well I think I do! I know personally I'm a much more confident person than I was when I was thirty, let alone twenty. The parents helping out thing is an issue, but I too have been beset with babysitting offers- a lot of my peers have grown-up/ teenage children now and love the idea of a bit of of babysitting where they can hand the baby back! Good luck whatever you decide, but you know you can do this!


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## Oxytocine (Jan 27, 2015)

You are young!
And supercool!

I am 41 - trying to get pregnant as a single. 
You have eggs in the freezer from where you were 38/39 - how amazing is that.

I am on a lot of single mothers by choice sites in Denmark. 
The women I know who had prenancies at 45 and over had a great pregnancy and are cool mothers. 

I am 41 and look and feel like I am 33. My gran mother had her children at 41 and 42 - supercool. 

Things have changed. I really hope you will do it if you feel it that it is what you want.

All the best from Copenhagen


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi ladies
Ah so great to hear such positive stories. I think I needed that!
Folicacid - wow that's amazing. Do you mind me asking what clinic you are under? 

Mogg77 - so sorry to hear about your partner. I am wishing you all the very best for the rest of your pregnancy.

Oxytocine - thanks for your positivity, it's infectious! I really keep my fingers crossed for you for success.

C xxx


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## blondedolphin (May 13, 2012)

Hi Caroline1759

I'm in a similar position to you. I first thought about going it alone when I was 40 and I did try with a friend as a sperm donor but that didn't work out. 
I don't have parents around anymore. My sister was initially quite supportive and encouraging but over the last couple of years has made it very clear she thinks this is a bad idea, telling me her instinct is that I'm not going to have a baby and I should give up the idea and get on with my life which I find extremely upsetting.
So I'm going to go ahead at a clinic abroad with donor eggs and not tell my family unless I'm successful.

However I too feel different and I think I'm entering perimenopause, which is rubbish! which is why I'm just going straight for the donor eggs. I do worry that I'm going to be the totally ancient mum at the school gates, that I won't have the energy to run round after a child as I'm exhausted most of the time anyway. I also worry that I'll be wasting my money and what I could be doing with that money instead. 

The indecision has been driving me crazy and making me pretty unhappy for the last few years 
But I know I will regret this if I don't try 

I have an appointment in October and I just want to get this started 
Let me know what you decide and how you get on

Great to hear everyone's stories from the other side


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## FolicAcidIngester (Mar 23, 2012)

Caroline 1759 - When I had my son I was under a clinic that was closed down part of the way through by the HFEA. They were chaotic and disorganised most of the time so I wouldnt recommend them - they are in Ireland and dont have a good track record with people my age.

Blonde Dolphin - for what it's worth I say go for it. 

Caroline & blonde dolphin - I had some hostility from my brother about me having a child and about my pregnancy. My therapist - who is very reputable and sensible - thought that he had some unconscious feelings that if I had a child I would not have as much attention/interest/love for him. This fitted in my instance as my brother was always a bit overlooked by my parents and when I became an adult & sorted myself out - I kept an eye out for him a little more carefully/thoughtfully/consistently than they had. Anyway I think it's not uncommon for people close to you to feel this way and it's related to them not wanting to lose you...don't know if that helps.

Bw FAI


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## Eckles (Aug 15, 2015)

Hi


It was so refreshing to see messages from others my age who are single and embarking on this journey on their own. I hope things go well for you. Be strong x


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## NowOrNever (May 14, 2012)

Hi 
I started treatment at 39 and finally had my little girl last December when i'd just turned 42. 

I get lots of help from my folks, but doing it alone isnt all bad at all. Dont get me wrong, there are times i wish I had a wingman, but to be honest, even my married friends did most of the heavy lifting whilst their other halves were working/watching sport/down the pub 

Its all worth it.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Caroline just want to pick up on the last point that you made "_I think I might need counselling about giving up on relationships and ever meeting anybody_ er why?? Who said this is the death knell on relationships? This is not the way to look at single motherhood, the point is you have plenty of time to meet a great guy but just not plenty of time to have a child, so you're doing it in reverse so to speak, you really need to adjust the negative vibe (and that includes from those that surround you) and you may feel much more excited about proceeding with the best thing that could ever happen to you  ps I wouldn't swap my twins for the world either and I doubt you would if you're blessed with a set


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Caroline 
I think I responded on your other thread but as I can't find it I'm not sure.  Chronic lack of sleep does things like that to your brain!
I was undecided about going it alone.  I spent so much time dithering I lost chance with my own eggs.  This meant wrestling with going down DE route.again a dilema.  In the end I made the decision which would I regret the most.  It was not trying so I went ahead although it was definitely my last go at IVF.

It's not been easy as I'm effectively really on my own with no family support.  Friends live far away and there is no getting away from the fact I've really struggled.  This hasn't been helped by the fact both my boys have had significant health issues.  Only now am I beginning to enjoy my boys instead of being in hospitals visiting one or the other.  I'm sure with more support my story would be much more positive.

Feel free to PM me.  
TCCx


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

caroline and blonde dolphin - I have problems with my sister not wanting me to go ahead with tx as well - I touched on it earlier in the thread. She was originally all for it, and said she was pleased when she found out I was pregnant, but she showed no interest in the pregnancy or the scans, which I wanted to share. My mother being 86  cannot obviously not give much practical support but she loves spending time with DS. Sister has been diagnosed with depression which she has had off and on for years, she's under mental health services, but waiting for higher level support. I feel resentful sometimes as it took the shine off my pregnancy, dealing with her angst. She is also single and no kids. She would like a baby but realises she wouldn't cope on her own. She accused me of being selfish, not thinking about her when I decided to go ahead and that she is not first in my priorities any more! So sounds like dolphin's brother. When siblings rely on you, if you have a child,  I think they feel that you are not there for them any more. She has been very jealous and she could have done the same as me but never got on with it. She works as cabin crew and also expected me to look after her child if she'd had one, while she was away on trips! She thought I was selfish when I said I would have concerns about this. So I'm trying to put DS first and enjoy spending time with him. I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done. Sorry for the 'me' post - I just wanted you to be aware you're not the only with family issues around single parenting!
Deb


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## TimeBomb (Sep 29, 2015)

Me too!

I have two daughters aged 17 and 14 from a previous relationship plus an amazing little boy conceived through at-home insemination as a SMBC. I can honestly say that the early years with my son were no harder than with my girls, when I had a partner.

I do plenty of running after him and chatting with the other mothers at the school gate. I'm not the only single one, and not the only one in her forties either.

Trust yourself and your instincts. If this is something you really want then go for it.


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## blondedolphin (May 13, 2012)

Thanks for all the encouraging stories and advice

I've had the consultation and it now feels more real, I'm going ahead with treatment, just need to get my cycle regulated and synced. 

Caroline1759 what have you decided? 

I think my sister has been negative because she's worried about me and possibly she's worried that I might need more support from her as a single parent


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

Hello all, newbie singleton here, 44 and about to start natural cycle IVF, trying for own eggs with donor sperm. feeling pretty daunted! 

great to hear all your stories about going it alone, it's really helpful to know others who have grappled with this.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

me not, but want just to say to all- best of luck and be strong, girls!


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## wishfulstar (Oct 3, 2015)

Hi Ladies, Me too!! just past 40 and a few failed cycles of IUI so thinking of moving to donor at a clinic abroad as DR says he wouldn't hold out much hope for IVF with me. any advice on clinics etc very welcome as this can all be a bit of a mindfield xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

wishfulstar said:


> Hi Ladies, Me too!! just past 40 and a few failed cycles of IUI so thinking of moving to donor at a clinic abroad as DR says he wouldn't hold out much hope for IVF with me. any advice on clinics etc very welcome as this can all be a bit of a mindfield xx


A lot seem to use Cyprus clinics and Serum in Greece - I know there are others too...


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Wishful 
I'd be tempted to pick your country first that's easy to get to from your local airport via a budget airline then look at the clinics.
Good luck 
TCCx


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Dogus clinic in cyprus have great success rates for donor egg.....im 58 and my 10 month old is in high chair eating egg and sausage.
M. Xx


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## Boston797 (Oct 23, 2015)

I'm 44, from the States, and new here. I'm leaving tomorrow for a long European trip culminating in DE/DS IVF in Madrid in early November (tentatively the 8th!). This will be my 9th go - 6 failed IUIs and 2 IVFs with my OE (one early loss and one failure). I'm excited and really feel like this is going to be the successful one! I'm lucky to have lots of family support and great friends who have very little ones nearby who want to help. I'm going to ProcreaTec in Madrid and they've been fabulous so far. 

Nice to meet you all, read your stories and best of luck to everyone!!!


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Good luck Boston have a lovely holiday and hope you come back with an extra passenger  
TCCx


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## Boston797 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thanks, Tincancat!!!  I'd be OK with 2 passengers coming home with me!!


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi girls, *Boston797* - good luck, safe trip and keep all my fingers crossed. *wishfulstar*- good source of information on ifv abroad and de abroad-www.eggdonationfriends.com. free download reports, legal issues, price, location, stars, success rate comparison- etc. Hope it would be helpful

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## mamochka (May 23, 2013)

Hi girls!
Me too! Had huge fight with OH when 12w pg and now carrying on as a single mom. Have the same worries about being older mom although don't feel or look like. It's hard as others girls say but totally worth it. I believe if god gives you the child he will give you energy means and support to raise her/him. Motherhood is totally divine I wish every woman can xperience it. Best of luck girls! God be with you! Mamoxx


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Hi all,

Me too in a singles over 40 club and 21 weeks pregnant.

Best of luck to all in whatever stage you are.

A.


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

I went with Team Miracle in Cyprus (the doctor used to be the doctor at Dogus)
I am currently on a nail biting wait to see if hcg will rise enough for it to be a viable pregnancy. It didn't last time (12,24,2.
This time at least, it has tripled..... 10.8 to 30.3. Fingers crossed for the next test tomorrow!!


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Best of luck for tomorrow test daisy.


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## em123 (Oct 5, 2015)

Hi everyone, I'm 41 and in the newly pregnant and going it alone camp!  I'm just out of the first trimester so taking a sigh of relief though well aware that there are still lots of challenges ahead.  Alti - how is everything going with your pregnancy?  Any advice on what to expect over the next few weeks (having been feeling exhausted but that thankfully seems to be passing).  Though I've just started to find my jeans no longer fit!  Mamo - hope all is going well with your little boy.  I did the Serenity test (all chromosome results were thankfully fine) and I'm expecting a little boy as well.  All the best to everyone.


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

My hcg went from 30.3 to 82.9!!
Another test tomorrow with progesterone test and more progesterone bum injections to pick up!! 
It's all going in the right direction!!


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Good news Daisy.  Congratulations Em
TCCx


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## em123 (Oct 5, 2015)

Daisy - I feel for you if you're on gestone - I have a very sore bum!  Hoping to come off it shortly. Still great news about your hcg!


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Good news daisy. Fx all goes well.

Em - congratulations on your pregnancy and on a team blue. 
I am having a girl but I knew it's a girl from the very start. 
It does get better after 1 trimester but I still feel  tired and nauseous sometimes though much better now. 
Sleeping is getting more problematic though. 
I am still wearing my normal clothes (most of them), haven't bought any maternity clothes  apart from Celtic aqua lamb boots   but they are not realy maternity wear, just very comfy. 

Tincancat - hood all goes well for y and little ones. 

Best of luck to all


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## SALLYKENNY (Oct 22, 2015)

hi all I'm hoping I'm writing on the right page as I'm new to the site  lol ive been to my clinic this week and have been told I'm not perducing enough eggs now I'm currently 42 ,so would have to op for donor egg. my partner sperm is low and we would have to have icis  with the ivf and that would give us a 30% change of it working now I'm wondering would it be better if we went for donor egg and donor sperm as anyone done this


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Sally 
I did double donor abroad on my own.  There are plenty of people who have done the same.  This thread was asking about those going it.alone as a single person.  You might get more inormation and advice on another thread.  If you go to start of forum then there is a double donor section just click on that and you will see lots of double donor questions answered.

Your first decision will be if you want treatment in UK or abroad.  If abroad then which country because many will do frozen embryo adoption which is much cheaper than making fresh embryos for you personally.  The success rates of double donor abroad is usually much higher than 30%.  Provided you have no other fertility issues than old eggs many ladies have success at first try.  Most clinics abroad do ICSI automatically at no extra cost. If you went for fresh cycle of donor eggs you could always choose to do ICSI on half the donor eggs  with your partner sperm and half  with donor sperm then at 5 days put back the best embryos.  
TCCx


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## SALLYKENNY (Oct 22, 2015)

thank you for your reply Tincancat  I will go and have a look.good luck with your journeyxx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

A totally indulgent post by me today - but I was just sat down - lo snoring away - thinking how different my life in my thirties was and how content I am in my forties - yet I never realised just how much I was projecting contentment than, rather than now when I FEEL it! If that makes sense?
To think baking cakes, salt dough play and housework with lo can be so rewarding!
I hope that you all too experience this!


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## blondedolphin (May 13, 2012)

Me Myself and I, that's a really nice post to read, I'm going for ET in Athens on Saturday and I'm freaking out. I thought it was going to be a week later and that I had more time to get my head around it.

I'm worried about what the lifestyle I'm giving up and wondering if single parenthood will be a miserable impoverished drudge. 

I need to do some positive visualisation but thanks for that post it really helped


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

blondedolphin said:


> Me Myself and I, that's a really nice post to read, I'm going for ET in Athens on Saturday and I'm freaking out. I thought it was going to be a week later and that I had more time to get my head around it.
> 
> I'm worried about what the lifestyle I'm giving up and wondering if single parenthood will be a miserable impoverished drudge.
> 
> I need to do some positive visualisation but thanks for that post it really helped


Hi blondedolphin,

Good luck in Athens!

I remember the same worries! I was worried about having lived a fairly carefree life etc and now being permanently responsible for another human being. I was really concerned about how I would juggle everything, I even visualized needing to set alarm clocks to feed lo!!!

Since having lo, once have I felt a pang that I couldn't justify spending on a night out! And that was because everyone in the family was going out for a knees up! Other than that I have never panged for being able to do what I did pre lo.

I do watch the pennies. And plan, so have bought passes so lo and I can have days out. I always take a packed lunch. But we enjoy our life. Caviar is off the menu, but I am a whizz at saving money with clever cooking - bulking out meat dishes, and making things last longer.

Friends now fully get on the whole that I no longer do what I did beforehand but have embraced it, we meet at different venues appropriate for lo. And after visiting realise that I am not being awkward when decline certain invitations.

I was really worried about the household stuff too, and won't lie suggesting I enjoy it, but its getting more manageable.

Lo is the absolute light of my life! We've spent the morning playing sorting toys and reading books. The kisses, cuddles, laughter and even tears make everything more than worthwhile; lack of money comparably are nothing in the big scheme of things.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Me said:


> blondedolphin said:
> 
> 
> > Me Myself and I, that's a really nice post to read, I'm going for ET in Athens on Saturday and I'm freaking out. I thought it was going to be a week later and that I had more time to get my head around it.
> ...


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## Mum of 1 at last! (Jun 20, 2011)

Caroline

I am 48 and twice divorced - I finally got pregnant  as a single person on my 19th IVF cycle with donor embryos and it is the best thing I have ever done!!!

My daughter is 17 months old now and I cannot imagine life without her or what my life was like beforehand!

She was conceived in Greece and I have just had my 20th cycle over there which unfortunately was negative but I am now researching donor embryos in this country - 21 will be my lucky number!

Go for it - you will regret it if you dont! x


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

great to hear all these positive stories! I have just entered the dreaded 2WW after first ever cycle of IVF. 2 embryos transferred.... wish me luck!


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## blondedolphin (May 13, 2012)

daftbird, Snap!! I've just had my first IVF, also two embies transferred and am in the TWW 

Great to hear all the positive stories from the other side


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi all

I wondering if I can join ur thread? I'm technically not 40 till November next year but I am single, having IVF With icsi with donor sperm and I'm looking for women who are in my boat!!!

The single woman thread gets very little response and I'm hopeful I'll let me in?

Blue x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Bluestone
I'm surprised u had no response on the singles threads.  Although saying that they were quiet when I was trying.  Good luck with your treatment. is this your first cycle? 
TCCx


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi

Thanks for the reply

No this is my 2nd IVF but 1st icsi... Bit nervous about the icsi part if I'm honest

Blue x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Blue 
ICSI is standard practice in clinics abroad I wouldn't worry about it.  Did you not get good fertilisation first time around so they offered ICSI? 
TCCx


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi

I got two out of 5 so they've offered it this time ... I want a to ask the clinic to give them chance with IVF first and then try icsi but I'm not sure if that's an option? It's another £1500

Blue x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Gosh these UK clinics don't half rip us off.  If I knew what I know now I'd never have spent money on IVF in the UK.  Sounds reasonable to try ICSI as I understand us older girls eggs have tougher outer coating.  I don't think they can try straightforward IVF first because eggs would deteriorate over time.
TCCx


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

I have been told something different about ICSI - that for us older girls, egg casings can be more permeable and let two or three sperm in, thus ruining the egg. I was told by the clinic there is a 10% chance of this happening.

I wonder which story is correct?


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Hi,

I too was nervous about having icsi. 
But my last 4 cycles were all icsi as clinics refused doing IVF fertilisation because I got few eggs & cos of my age. At the end it worked well for me. 
Don't worry too much about icsi if it meant to happen it will happen. 

Best of luck.

A.


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Thanks lovelies for the replies

What worries me about icsi is the slight increased risk of birth defects - I do t know if it's me reading the wrong stuff or just freaking out in general!! 

Now I'm worrying about my weight n whether to give my self a couple of months to loose some or to just cut back as much as poss and hope it doesn't affect the results!

The IVF lark is a mind blowing all consuming affair!


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## Rosalind73 (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi Bluestone,

I was also worried about ICSI, which I had for my last cycle in Greece. I'd previously had very good fertilisation rates with normal IVF (and was told by the Lister that they always do IVF rather than ICSI if there is no sperm issue) however my new Greek clinic wanted to do ICSI and made the point that it was better to try and maximise the small number of eggs that I was likely to produce. Since I didn't find any convincing evidence about increased birth defects with ICSI I decided to follow their advice, and in the end 4 out of 4 eggs fertilised (and am now pregnant with one of those embryos).

Re eggs from older women, I thought it was the other way round - that if anything they might have a harder outer shell, rendering ICSI necessary. But I don't think it's the case for every older woman.

Where do you live Bluestone? A few of us are planning to get together on Sunday January 3rd in Central London and you are of course welcome. I've posted about it on the single's thread.

Rosalind

P.s. I don't think it's an option to try IVF and then ICSI if that doesn't work, as I think they do the ICSI as soon as they can after egg collection. But I could be wrong about that so do check with your clinic


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi ladies

wow, so many positive messages! Great to hear so many of you with good experiences and thank you all for the advice. I took a break from FF to concentrate on making a decision and had to get a few things sorted too with work and health tests etc. 

So a quick update: Used my frozen eggs - All 16 survived the thaw. 12 fertilized with DS. 3 made it to blasts. I had 2 transferred back into me on 01/12. Got a BFP on 11/12!! I still can't believe it. I was totally convinced it hadn't worked as i had a bleed 2 days before OTD and very strong period type pains. Anyway been testing daily and had HCG levels checked at clinic and it's still positive. 

I'm really glad i went for it and actually i found having counselling helped with my concerns etc. Oh and very unexpectedly i met a nice man too! Met him a couple of months before i started treatment and was honest with him from the start about my plans, which he was totally supportive of. It's a bit of a strange situation for both of us i guess but we're both going with the flow for now. I have to say he has been incredibly helpful and understanding.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support, it really helps. I hope all those still wanting more children have lots of success

C xxx


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## mogg77 (Nov 9, 2014)

Congratulations Caroline that's so lovely! Just goes to show we never know what's around the corner do we!


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Lovely news Caroline 
TCCx


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Thanks ladies. Nigh congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. That's wonderful news!

Xx


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Mogg not Nigh. Bloomin predictive text! X


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## mogg77 (Nov 9, 2014)

Thanks Caroline


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## Shelby2211 (Mar 20, 2010)

Wow, I don't often post and very rarely look in other sections as I am a single also. Very glad I have found this thread. I've just turned 43 and my little one via ICSI will be 4 in Feb. I had a second attempt at ICSI in 2013 but only 1 egg collected so knew it would fail. I put it down to being complacent after the first go. Never did any of the things I did first time round (acupuncture, reiki etc). I was also under a fair bit of stress. 


2013 was my last attempt or so I thought. Three days before my daughters 3rd birthday in Feb we lost my mum unexpectedly. My dad fell ill shortly after but has made a good recovery. A few months ago I found myself freaking out over what would happen if anything were to happen to me, I'm am only child and my child would have no one. Everyone said I was not finished and they were right as I have just started my 3rd and final go at ICSI, I will be down at the clinic for a scan in the middle of Jan. Doing things right this time so fingers crossed it works.




Good luck to all the ladies, Hope 2016 is a great year for you all xx


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## TimeBomb (Sep 29, 2015)

Shelby, our stories are very similar. My LO will be 4 in July and came to me through donor IUI. I thought I was finished, but I really don't want him to grow up as an only child, especially as I'm an older mother (also 43).

Here's hoping that 2016 is a positive year for all of us.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi ladies
Glad to have this thread as lots of the other 40+ ladies have partners.
I can beat you both age wise timebomb and Shelby - I'm 48 and single, and have a gorgeous 18 month old son. I also have the same worries about him being on his own - I do have a sister but she has no children, and cousins have grown up children, however one cousin is now guardian to grandson 6 months younger than my LO, so hopefully will be someone there. I would so love him to have a sibling so am embarking on FET in Jan with the frosties, so same timing as Shelby. Hope we all have some luck on here.
Deb


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## Shelby2211 (Mar 20, 2010)

Excellent Deb, here's hoping we get on well soon. 


I had a wee panic yesterday, I'm a childminder and due to start back on Monday for a few weeks before I go back to clinic. One parent called to say her wee one has just started chicken pox, it is doing the rounds. After calling the clinic and my doctors I have decided it's more important I shut myself away to reduce risk of catching as it seems I or my lg have never had it. Managed to get the kids to other childminders and loosing a fair chunk of money over it but it's for the best as gives me more time to relax. 


X


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Shelby 
It's unfortunate neither of you have had it.because it's so common.  Perhaps it's worth having vaccinations privately because you are sure to come across it further down the line in your job.  I've just had my boys vaccinated.
Happy New Year to all the solo 40+ mums and future mums 

TCCx


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## Mum of 1 at last! (Jun 20, 2011)

I'm the same as you Deb - only with an added problem now! I am 48 and have an 18 month dd conceived on my 19th cycle and wanted a sibling for her,I had a cycle in November which resulted in a chemical pg.

My af was very light and only lasted a couple of days and I haven't had one since - now on day 40 without a bleed,however I have been having hot flushes! 

I missed three periods at the beginning of January 2015 so I think the inevitable is happening but desperately wanted to provide dd with a sibling, I have a massive family and she has ten cousins but all are a lot older than her 13-26 years old and when something happens to me I wanted her to have someone close 

Penny (Serum) says I need another hysteroscopy before my next cycle but I dont know what would happen after that if I am Peri - menopausal?


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Mum of 1 is doesn't matter if you are peri-menopausal because you are using double donor.  Plenty of ladies on the over 50 thread have children born after the full menopause. Just means you will need different protocol and increased hormone amounts.
TCCx


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## Mum of 1 at last! (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks TCC

I was a bit concerned about it,I will pop over to the over 50's now - Thank you!

Sarah x


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## Shiro (May 21, 2014)

hi ladies

i've been so enouraged by your stories..i'm 44 and only started considering IVF after waiting for 3 years for a stupid man (ex husband) to engage with the idea of a family. now i'm waiting for divorce ceritificate and started looking into IVF last year. waiting for hycosy (next week, hopefully)...the plan is to start with my own eggs (naturally) as even at my age i've never dated anyone i wanted to have kids with so i never tried. however as we all know after 38 our fertility reduces significantly hence my consultant suggesting IUI with own eggs. however, on reading your stories, where you've attempted IUI neither sounds succssful, so now i'm wondering whether i should just go straight into IVF instead with own eggs. Didnt know you can do ivf with own eggs, thought you had to use donor eggs (and spern if you are single)....

i feel a bit positive of my situation although i'm 44......

i exercise regularly but worry that i will not have the energy required by a child, but i'm going for it. 

all the best to everyone who is TTC in 2016 and all the best in your pregnancies to those who are carrying (and giving us hope). i willl never give up hope...

x


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

It's certainly worth thinking of going straight for IVF if finances allow as ur chances r so much increased x

I spoke to a woman at my clinic today who is 43 and pregnant with twins! So it can happen xx


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

Hi Shiro, I'm in exactly the same situation as you at 44 (except I didn't marry the stupid selfish ex). Just starting my second round of IVF with own eggs, the first one went really well until.... it didn't implant.

I have to say, choosing this path is a bumpy (often lonely) ride and the probabilities aren't good. BUT it can work, and I think all we can do is give it a go. As someone somewhere once said, 'you can risk failure - but you can also risk success'

Good luck to you and me and all the ladies out there in a similar position - here's hoping for some blessings in 2016.


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi everyone
Just an update. I took the plunge and I'm now 9 weeks pregnant. I'm really glad I did (so far!). I'm nervous about the massive change this will bring at this stage in my life but I'm up for any challenges! Of course now wishing I'd just gone for it earlier and not wasted time waiting for Mr Right to appear. But easy to say in hindsight. 

Wishing all you ladies thinking of going it alone lots of courage and success.

C xxx


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

Wow, Caroline! How exciting! Very happy for you!
I am going for my second IVF in 2 weeks. So worried it will fail again, trying to keep the faith.


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Thanks Daisyboo. Best of luck with your treatment xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Congratulations and best hopes for an easy pregnancy (& birth - what goes in must come out!)🐣


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

Congratulations Caroline that's great news! You give us all hope  here's to you and your little one  

Daisyboo - I am the same as you but about 2 weeks ahead - second cycle...


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Thanks Me - not even thinking about that yet!

Thanks Daftbird - best of luck with your treatment

Xx


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## dolphinx (May 30, 2015)

Another single and (just!) over-40. Started this journey 2 years when I had (what I now realise to be) a successful embryo freezing cycle and managed to freeze 3 top grade blastos. Used one for FET and got a BFN, and now too scared to use the other two. Irrational I know, I am a very rational person in all other respects but this is what the TTC journey has done to me!

Currently doing IVF#2 and but disappointingly only collected 4 eggs today. Hopes not high for this cycle but we'll see.

Great to stumble across this thread. Can feel a little lonely out there, not met too many people in similar situation, despite what the Daily Mail might claim.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Congrats caroline - so glad you took the plunge! hope the pregnancy goes well.
Dolphin - good luck. Agree with you about the Daily Mail  - they get quite apopletic about older mums and single women having babies! I fit both those categories!
AFM - currently waiting for down reg scan on Wed. was undergoing FET cycle November but my cycle went haywire so had to be cancelled. Fingers crossed for Jan - so wanting a sibling for my son.
Just to say - I have never regretted going it alone - I wish I'd done it earlier, but always hoped the ideal man would come along (foolish I know!) I decided it was now or never. I still live in hope of meeting a man one day, but can't afford to wait to try for a sibling, so doing that now. 
Deb


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## daftbird (Aug 7, 2015)

ahhh good luck Dolphin...

Had one 2 day embie transferred back today. unfortunately it's 3 cell grade 3 -as I understand it there's not much hope with this one? and this is my second and last cycle, I can't afford any more. 

This is soooo tough! so near and yet so far from my dream. Couldn't help but have a bit of a meltdown today....

and now the 2ww full of drugs. must think positive. must think positive. must think positive.


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi Caroline

I to am single and 41.  I decided after a mc with my ex in April 2014, that I was going to do this on my own as I was fed up of waiting for Mr Right!!  I've since had a mc and 2 failed attempts at IUI, currently in my 2ww on #4.  My family and friends are all really supportive but it's nice to chat to others in the same boat as me. The 2ww is brutal, sometimes I think it's worked, other times I don't.  It's so frustrating x


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi ladies

Dolphin - yes can understand your anxiety about that. It's a tough journey. But you've already got 2 embryos banked and another 4 eggs - that's brilliant! I only had 2 embryos good enough to transfer back into me. Luckily 1 stuck. Remember - you only need one x

Deb - it's great to hear you have no regrets. You can still meet Mr Right. I met a really nice guy when i started my treatment. So far he's stuck around and has been incredibly supportive of what i'm doing (he's more excited about this whole thing than i am which is a bit bizarre!). Good guys do exist. I think i just stopped going for the bad boys and then the good ones appear. Good luck with your treatment x

Daftbird - well done on getting this far! I know exactly what you are going through. Keep strong but don't forget it's normal to be completely emotional too. I had 2 embies transferred back into me. I don't know what grade they were but i do know that the embryologist said they weren't as developed at they'd like and neither her or my consultant seemed to hold much hope for them. In fact i was utterly convinced it hadn't worked during the 2ww. But here i am, now 10 weeks pregnant. Sending you lots of positive vibes x

Rebecca - sorry to hear of your losses - that's tough. I hear you about the 2ww. In fact it doesn't actually get any better after the 2ww either! But that anxiety is really difficult. It's good you've got supportive friends and family. Are you getting support on the 2ww thread too maybe? x

C xxx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Congrats to all those with little seedlings on board!

Rebecca I tested negative until days 18/19 dpo! Am convinced because I relaxed admitting defeat at 13dpo with the bfn that this helped!
I thought I was having period symptoms- same as lol with sore boobs added in!
Try and be positive!


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Thank you...  I've seen the Jan/Feb IUI group but will look at the 2ww one also.  Congrats to all who've had a bfp.  Anyone in the Epsom, Surrey area?


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Had the blood test today and it's come back as a negative again..  Heart broken


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Rebecca.
Is it time to consider an alternative clinic and or donor?  what's your AMH like?  Is it worth moving on to IVF. 
TCCx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Rebecca so sorry.
I was advised that if going iui route to have three non medicated and three medicated.
Given you have already tried four medicated and assuming you have no issues (been tested) then you have two choices:
Ivf 
Home insemination - cryos thread may advise you further. This gives you the option of multiple inseminations so greater likelihood of egg and sperm meeting at the right time!

Take some time before moving on.


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Rebecca - I'm so sorry. I know how devastated I felt in May last year when I had treatment and got a BFN. Please take time to heal and look after yourself. I wish you all the best and success in the future xxx


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Thank you for your lovely messages.  I used a different donor this time.  I have thought about changing clinics but I still have 1 more lot of sperm on freeze there.  I think i'm going to try IVF but not until March/April, need a bit of time out.  My mum has kindly offered to pay this time as i'll be 42 in April and this will be the final try, hence trying IVF.  I don't have the kind of money to pay for IVF.  If I could go to another clinic I would but what would happen to the sample I have there?  I haven't had my AMH levels tested for a while, would it be worth me doing it? How does home insemination work?  Surely going to a clinic would give you a better chance?  I've also sent off for a pack on adoption.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Rebecca 
Sometimes several inseminations at home can give you a higher chance of success than a single IUI at a clinic which might miss the optimal window of opportunity.

However I'm sure you know your age is indeed the biggest factor here.  Sadly even if you were to get pregnant there is a 50% chance of miscarriage.  If money is limited and success is what you want why don't you consider DE abroad?  Would cost you around the same as an OE cycle here in UK, even taking account of flights and accommodation.  Success rates are high at around 70% plus.  I realise you would have to discard the sample you have left but perhaps it's time to cut your losses?

Adoption is of course an option.  For myself I couldn't face the intrusive nature of the social services process.  Plus probably more importantly I wanted to carry a child myself to experience being pregnant and feeling baby kick.

It really is hard to come to terms with repeated failed cycles and miscarriages.  I hope you can work through this and see a clear path ahead of you.
TCCx


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## TimeBomb (Sep 29, 2015)

Rebecca, just a few months ago I was in exactly the position you're in. I'm 43 and I have a 3-year-old son through home insemination using a known donor. I tried for two years for a sibling for him, and I had no success except for one early miscarriage.

I knew donor eggs would be my plan B, and seeing as I'm using donor sperm anyway donor embryos seemed the best option. I made the decision in October to give up on my own eggs, and I'm currently pregnant using donor embryos from a Czech clinic.

It's your choice whether you'd be comfortable with donor embryos or not, but for me they've been a massive success after two long years of disappointments.

Sending good thoughts that your way forward will become clear during your time out.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

If you could afford it and are really sure you ovulate, in your shoes before either oe or de I feel, I would go all out with home inseminations; I would inseminate every twelve hours for five/six times to try to catch ovulation be it early or late. 
Of course you could decide enough for now and have a try with de now on the basis it would be easier to find funds for this after if de also failed, though less likely abroad .
I too thought about adoption, but it wasn't for me; as pp it's so very intrusive but who knows if all other avenues had been in explored maybe I would eventually, but for me, I wanted to feel my baby grow, move, know them from day one not have a ready made child to try to fall in love with over time (not being insensitive I hope to those women who are so obviously better than me and do this- I applaud them).


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Thanks ladies.  I've heard a lot about home insemination.  How does it work?  and surely it's more expensive as you have to buy a lot more sperm?  I'm going to try IVF next time and if that fails then I will look into going abroad.  I wouldn't know where to start though..  Where etc?  It's all so confusing at the moment as I didn't think this one would fail.  Different donor and different drugs/strengths.....


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## AmsterdamT (Jun 12, 2013)

If you're going abroad for ivf I would strongly recommend serum in Athens, Greece. Downside (for me) is that donors are anonymous and I would have liked him to be able to trace SD if he wanted at 18 but alas that wasnt to be.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Amsterdam,

You never know fingers crossed by the time our kids are 18 perhaps technology etc will be so advanced and maybe the laws will change in Greece (at least for a clinic sibling registry for those who want it) that it won't be as anonymous as it is now although it's tricky ground as us single girls are quite open the married couples are much more guarded due to issues around telling understandably.


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## Eymet (Apr 25, 2013)

Hello ladies

I hope everyone is doing fine! 

Just wanted to add my story as yet another option.....there are so many out there aren't there..

After several IUI's and IVF's, I decided on DD. 

I decided to go to South Africa. Although it is anonymous, they do have a box for the donors to tick, that should the law chance, would they be happy to be contacted....

Although they are anonymous, you can choose your donors from child photos of them and they give a lot of information about them. They also write there own comments and you see the questionaires that they've filled in. 

For example, as SA have many Europeans historically, there are many donors who's grandparents were English, Dutch, French, Irish etc etc....so they fill in about their heritage, blood type, hobbies, what their job is, if they have brothers/sisters, why they want to be a donor, how they consider their personality.....the list goes on. I can honestly say, you get a real idea what they are like and I found this nice to be able to match and connect to them. 

The exchange rate is so good at the moment and so I found it was cheaper than doing a cycle in the UK. Of course there are flights to consider, but again you can get quite good deals and combine it with a holiday.


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## Holly7 (Jul 29, 2011)

Hello to everyone
i suspect this post is old now but thought i'd add my story anyway. I have been trying naturally for some years. I am 50 now btw but look early forties easily and am fit and healthy despite not always having the best energy levels. Like other ladies I have not met my other half and could wait no longer or knew i would regret it forever. I decided to adopt embryos that already existed, donated by couples who had completed their ivf and families. My first attempt having three  embryos transferred last March failed. However I returned on 31st December last year and am now carrying 5 week old embryo/s? wow! My family will hate it and i am dreading telling them for fear of condemnation. I'm not sure exactly how things are going to work out practically and financially but I am confident that it will work out and while there is apprehension now and challenges ahead the joy of motherhood, relationship and family bonding will far out weigh the struggles. Feel free to message me and all the best to you if you embarking on this brave but wonderful venture also :=)


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## Eymet (Apr 25, 2013)

Hi Holly7

Looks like we've posted around same time. I'm 46 and also just got my BFP. Am 4 weeks pregnant, so just a bit behind you at the moment. Know what you mean about telling family, eek...but I'm building up to this and will leave it until my first appointments are over and first scan done. 

How are you doing? Any symptoms? I really don't have any symptoms at all, apart from maybe being slightly more tired but not hugely. 

E x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Great news Eymet and Holly 
Hope you both have a good pregnancy.  For me it was very much a roller-coaster from start to finish.  Although most ladies sail through with no problems.  
TCCx


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