# Is it too soon?



## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi everyone
Im really looking for some advice please…….
I am 3 months into adoption leave with our little blue (14 months old now) and we've had call from our SW today to say that BM had baby today!!!! they (or she) were unaware she was pregnant, they have asked us to consider foster to adopt and take new born baby this week!!! I am in shock, excited, scared, confused, feel sick, worried, happy and in tears. its all so over whelming! 

Is it too soon? worried about LO, he is just settled. 
Has anyone else adopted a second while still on adoption leave with your first? 

how did it all work out? looking for reassurance, we have to give them an answer tomorrow


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oh my! what a shock! I guess only you can make the decision thats right for your family but the most important question would be is your son settled enough for you to be able to suddenly be tied up with a newborn? a small baby is going to take up a lot of time
are they giving you the option of adopting him even if you don't say yes to the foster to adopt? 
In your shoes I would probably be concerned at being able to cope with 2 such small ones, esp so soon after placement but it can be done..poss with support..
our DS was born just as we were placed with DD,he moved in 8 months later.. I  can't imagine what it would have been like taking him 3 months into her placement..but i guess we would have coped somehow..
hope you can make a decision that is right for you all  


kj x


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## Knitting (Nov 28, 2013)

Hi SunFlower
I just read ur post and my advise would b GO FOR IT !!!
Two babies after years of heart ache would b the best thing to happen to you both 
Never look a gift horse in the mouth (old Irish saying)
Let us know ur decision
Best of Luck
Knitting


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mummy elf had this had happen but a few months on and were prepared as the newborn had just been born when intros started. I think keemjay'so advice is right - it needs to be right for your current and future family.

At 13mths your boy will still be very needy and with the unsettle meant of intros/newborn joining and sharing his mummy and daddy you might see behaviours that you wouldn't see/expect if you carried on as you are. You probably need to consider how tough things could get before they would get better and when. The newborn could LOs be very needy (prenatal experience as well as the unsettleness of different nurses and possibly emergency FCs looking after him/her.

Wxyies diary is a good one to read (whilst her LOs are older many of these behaviours can rear when "our" children face adversity.

Coping with two very ones is tough anyway - I've seen this with close friends/family but they have folks on hand to babysit from early weeks but that can fade off after the first few weeks which may be when things appear toughest. So I would consider what support network you have and how flexible it could be.
X it's not fair on SSs to give you this short deadline so push for more time if you need it.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

As others have said it's what right for your family. We turned down lo cousin as lo had only been home a couple of months. We felt it wasn't fair on lo as he was settled but got very jealous of me being any near other children. I was sorry to say no but even our sw said how relived she was we said no. She felt it was to soon also.  We said we would take on a sibling if one comes about but not until lo had been home a year. After that we would see if bm has another or start looking again mid 2015 when lo is approaching 3. 
I know it's a hard call, I always wanted to parent a baby so turning the cousin down was hard and I felt horrible with myself. But it was the right choice for my family.
What ever you decide good luck sweetie x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you for all of your comments, I have been in tears for the last few days, not sleeping or eating the stress and pressure is huge. DH is excited and wants the newborn, I don't think we should have him, its too soon and there are too many ifs and buts, plus he is poorly at the moment and staying in hospital for a few days, SW wants us to sit with him day and night, what about our son who has been with us just 3 months!! everyone seems to have forgotten about him, except me  

DH has work commitments so it would literally be me left 'holding the baby' I am so torn, my heart is breaking

I have always wanted a new born baby (as most people who have been through IVF several times!) but now I am a parent to a gorgeous 14 month old, my prioritise have changed, I love the age he is and am enjoying our little family life of 3. The guilt i feel for saying no to his full sibling brother is like nothing I have ever felt before   I don't know what to do


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Awwww huge hugs - such a difficult difficult decision
I hope SWs are putting your family's interests first as that's what they should be helping you with. 

If LO is in hospital - here's some hopeful stories re attachment that may help you feel not as pressurised to make a decision as clearly you need time to come to your decision and know it's the right one for you, your family at the time it's made.

I had a conversation with an Educational Psychologist who had an infant born in their wider family  that spent many months in neonatal care and then is hospital due to a rare complication. The family were worried as they couldn't do a lot of physical contact or feed the LO. The family took turns to ensure someone was with the baby as much as they could and sang/talked to the baby. The EP said the child's attachment in their family was very strong and as the child had felt the love etc then the brain developed correctly and the a baby thrived.

Also as visiting is restricted at times - a friend told me recently that the NIC babies are the most loved/treasured and the nurses spend a lot of time with the babies as they know the benefits of touch and nurture etc on the babies.

The SW has a job to safeguard the baby and ensure she has a placement lined up. In quite a few cases SWs need to leave the babies in hospital as they do not have suitable/available FC placements. Even if the SW believes baby should be placed with his sibling, they should be ensuring they have a suitable FC lined up. Again this would give you a little more breathing room to make a decision without the emotions of a newborn and the future what ifs.

Hope this helps you and I really hope you have good family/friends that you can talk to as I can only imagine the worry and sleeplessness (that won't be helping you either).

On a practical level - can hubby reduce his hours for a few months - maybe two very short days or where he changes hours to start very early but home much earlier to help and ensure you both get lots of 121 with your eldest?

If it were me - I'd be looking at pro/cons and then looking at what actions could be taken to help. For instance would SSs be willing to pay for 3-6months of Theraplay so you know more about how to bond with your eldest and keep that connection that you've been building. It would be beneficial for youngest too when it's just you dividing your time.

What family support do you have? Could grandparents come and take eldest to the park 2 afternoons a week etc (maybe after a few more weeks/months so that eldest doesn't see himself as being excluded) or swap about - GPs take LO out for naps and you and eldest play but GPs stay on so you can get some sleep/rest when one of them is napping.

Lastly if BM has concealed this pregnancy and still young who's to say she won't have more in which case you could look at this situation again in 10/11 mths time - maybe that would be a better time in your eyes?

X hugs x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

if you dont take him now will you still be given the chance to have him placed later on? what was your position on foster to adopt before all this? if like many it was something you were unsure of because of all its uncertainties, then this would be a good point to return to if you are are feeling pressurised to go down this route now.. 
what if you were placed with this baby, juggled everything to keep no.1 secure whilst attending to babys need as well and then it all went bottom up and the baby went back..would all that be worth it?  


fwiw a newborn might not be the super duper joy that you (or hubby) imagine (esp with a 14mth old too)  they are flippin hard work!!


i think its unreasonable for the sw's to be asking this of you 3 months into placement..sitting by his bedside day and night?? while it would undoubtedly be good for bubba its not best for you son? have you explain that you dont wish to damage the fragile attachments your son is making with you and that he has to be your first priority?


feel for you, its such a tricky situation. 


 
kj x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Massive hugs to you sunflower. Our story runs is so similar to what you are goung through. wee mans full sibling was born 4 months into his placement when he was 13 months old. The pregnancy was concealed and she was born 8 weeks premature. She was in scbu for a short period of time and we were asked to have her. I will be totally honest with you it was the hardest decision we have ever made and it totally broke my heart. (And still does) We decided it wasnt right for us (i probably would have been ruled by my heart and said yes but i know 100% it was the correct decision for us as a family -  even if it did hurt like hell) it wasnt right for our little man and ultimately he was more important. Like you I had always yearned for a new born and now was our chance. Little man was and still is a VERY demanding baby. We also had issues in the beginning of placement and court complications which have added to our situation. I do feel exceptionally guilty that he has a full sibling that we have 'rejected' and i fear that by saying no we have blotted our card so to speak with ss BUT and it's is a huge BUT she is some one else's dream come true - just as little man is ours. He was asked to be placed with his older sibling but they said no which meant our dream came true and we found each other. That has happened with her. 

No one knows your family like you and dh and no one can make is huge decision. I know that most people feel we should have said yes to his sister and we will never know if we have made the right decision. But the decision we made was made out of love and what we believed was right for our family. 

Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are searching for. My heart goes out to you xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I've PM'ed you sunflower xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I've PM'ed you sunflower xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Can I just add that although you may not be able to take a sibling now, there's no reason if they are placed in foster care, that you can't consider it once a placement order has been granted.
Also, although I can really empathise on how awful it must be to have to turn away a sibling, just think of the rest of the wonderful families out there waiting for their LO and you are just the kind of person -someone who loves and wants the best for their LO that will promote sibling contact in the future. We have direct contact with my LO's siblings and I was so, so relieved to find a wonderful, loving family with very similar values and methods of dealing with behaviour and it made meeting a pleasure! We're really looking forward to meeting again.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

I'll be following this closely as our newly placed LO is due a sibling soon...we've said yes to once order granted but no to foster to adopt because it isn't fair on first child.

I've been trying to find support/others in thus situation with a small age gap an have struggled, mummyekf on pm has helped me 

Xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

thanks again for all of your comments / suggestions and help. Yes, we have been given the option to adopt baby in aprrox 5 months time when foster placement is done and they are looking for adoptive parents. They are keen for it to be us, but we are still unsure. We have said we will discuss in the months ahead but for now we are trying to get back to us, the fun we were having and how happy we were as a little family of 3, before we knew there was a new born baby (full sibling to LO) waiting for us at the hospital  
Our LA are still fairly new with their foster to adopt, so they were almost using us an their guinea pigs, I feel we have done the right thing for ourselves, and of course more importantly for our LO. Making this decision with our head instead of our hearts, means we have breathing space, extra special bonding time with our LO, our LO's celebration day (Jul / Aug) and we also have peace of mind, as we know the FC that new baby is going to, so we will get progress updates (if we want them) and we know they will get the best possible start in life with FC, plus he will get all of medicals / checks / appointments done plus any contact visits and uncertainties from birth family (all things I would have struggled to juggle looking after 2 LO's) so on reflect it makes perfect sense for new baby to be with FC right now, and who knows what the future holds. Maybe we will be his forever family, or maybe not, but if we choose not to, we know there will be people out their wanting him and loving them with all their hearts, just like we do with our LO   wow, its been a huge unsettled anxious stressful time over the last week, but we finally feel like we are coming out of it the other side now. There is still an element of guilt for saying no, to our dream of a new born but I must admit, although during IVF and adoption process i would have done anything to have a new born baby in my arms, now I am a parent my priorities have changed and my son comes first, every time without question. 
My MIL assures me new borns are over rated anyway! she claims the sleepless nights make it all pass in a blur and LO's / toddlers are much more fun   sounds good to me  

so for now we are OK, but I know  in a few months time, DH will want to paint the spare room blue and go and get him, he feels he is ours. I understand totally, the full sibling link with our LO makes the feelings so strong and real. But I have my reservations. This time last week, we were a happy family of 3 without a care in the world, we didn't want more or need anything or anyone else. But now the option is there, I fear it will hang over us, always be there as a 'what if' 

hope my ramblings make sense, It feels good to get them down and out of my head! 

littlepoppy I will PM you, thanks to mummy elf for my PM's too, they really do help   xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi Sunflower..I'm so please you've reached a decision that feels allright-ish   you are bound to feel wobbly about it for a while..it was such a BIG decision to make  


we took a second sibling (DS) 8 months after the first (DD)..I would have probably been ok to take him a couple of months earlier but no earlier than that..by the time 6 months had passed after DD's placement we felt we were on the road to bonding with her and were ready to think about no.2…although we started the re-assessment when she had been with us just 4 months. We did take the opportunity to see DS with the FC as much as possible during the time we were waiting and that really helped..we knew where he was and that he  was safe (he was with DDs FC) we saw him once a month. Not sure if there would be an opportunity for you to do that..might be worth asking   


Once you've got over the shock of it all you might start to get your head round it more and want to move quicker than you think   In the meantime you have LO to enjoy all by himself  


kj x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Well done sunflower. It's a very tough call. We've had to turn down another recently born full sibling as we couldn't handle another very small age gap and my gut instinct right from the start was that it would be detrimental to the two we have, most especially DS who has only just turned one. We have taken the same approach in that there will be another family out there who will love him so much and as we do contact between siblings, we will get to know him that way. It does sting at times and I feel strangely guilty about it (not sure why as I'm not the one continually and deliberately having babies knowing they will be removed) but I still know I'm doing what is right. If in a few months time he has no placement and we feel it's right, who knows, but I very much doubt it.

And newborns really are over-rated, I have several friends / siblings with newborns and they are exhausting, having spent a lot of time with newborn nephews/nieces I know this first hand ....they all tell me they prefer them older and I entirely agree. I think as women we just want to feel we had them from very tiny, but I'm always told by mums of newborns it was a sleepless blur and they didn't feel the glow they had expected. If you want a reality check visit netmums or mumsnet on that score


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