# I found a sperm donor online!! advise desperatly needed!



## KA33 (Jan 4, 2016)

Hi,

I'm writing this could I could really do with some advice or any positive storeys who have done a similar thing.

Me and my husband have been together 12 years and have a 7 year old son, who was born at our 4th attempt of IVF because my husband was born without the tubes that carry the sperm to outside the body, so its trapped and to have our son we needed a procedure called pesa which is where the sperm is removed direct from the testes and then we had to have icsi. For us to go through with that and the IVF again we would need so much money and there are no guarantees.

I really want a baby and I'm not getting any younger, I'm nearly 33 years old and my son really wants a brother or sister, so we started thinking about other options such as IUI and egg sharing but to be honest even though we both work we have no savings and are unable to save as everything we have goes on rent, bills, food etc

I then thought wouldn't it be so much easier if I could just find my own donor and that's when I came across the site co-parents. I created our profile and got a lot of men sending me messages wanting to help, couldn't believe how easy it was as most of them seemed genuine and didn't mind donating via artificial insemination. I found one donor myself and after looking at his picture I sent him a message and to cut a long story short we have now sent many emails to each other and agreed to meet next week when I'm ovulating so he can produce and leave us his sperm so I can inseminate myself.

He seems nice, answers my questions in full and had STI tests done end of august which he sent me the scanned copy of the results via email. He has helped other couples before and has conceived 5 children although he has none of his own. I have even seen a baby photo of him. He said we should meet in a hotel close to where he lived and have a chat in the café and then give him our key card where he will go to our room and produce sample and then we will do the insemination and by that time he would have gone. He requires no contact except for us to send the odd update/photo via email at Christmas/birthdays etc. 

How do I feel about it all? I'm nervous, scared, anxious, worried, excited, relived to have finally found a solution to all our problems, hopeful. I feel a whole mix of different emotions and still don't know if I'm doing the right thing because it feels so alien and I have no one apart from my husband to talk about it with. This is why I'm writing this post.

Does anyone have any thoughts on all of this? I appreciate your honesty.

Has anyone ever done anything like this?

We are going to tell friends and family that a donor was used if I conceive but I don't think I could bring myself to tell anyone how we found our donor, I think I would just say that we went for IUI at a clinic using donor sperm.

I don't really like the feeling of not knowing the donor and only have what he tells me to go on but at the same time if we went through a clinic I would probably feel the same because I still wouldn't know but then in another way is that better cause if I meet this donor and I don't like the look of him or the way he talks then that will put me off. 

My brain hurts from thinking too much, feels good to write it all down.

Please help and give good advise if you can? It all feels a bit too good to be true at the moment.

thanks

kirsty x


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## Gemini40 (Feb 9, 2016)

Hi, I think for your own safety these things are best regulated by a clinic. You won't know about genetic conditions he may carry and it is almost three months since Aug so HIV tests etc don't be up to date. I would just worry about this arrangement and how well adjusted he actually is. It's not a run of the mill kind of thing to do for some one. I understand about financing treatment, it is  so expensive I am wondering myself how to pay for my own cycle. But I would rethink the whole thing for your safety etc


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I wouldnt dare. You dont know who he is and he could have told you anything and sent any photo.
Official ways are more secure.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

There are too many risks.
Legally the donor is the father unless you go via a clinic or bank. This means he COULD get contact rights even have lo live with him!
He says five children, but that could mean your lo could end up with a partner from the donor as you're both within the same region; using an international bank greatly reduces this risk as only ten families can use the donor in whole of uk. 
Likewise there's no proof of his health status- stds not genetic testing - anyone can forge a letter. And his sperm hasn't been quarantined so potentially could have an dtd that wouldn't have shown at that point.
I'm on another board where women have used known donors and had issues. 
But at end of the day, if you have the funds I'd go via a bank. Even if you don't use a clinic. 

Good luck in whatever you decide.


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## KA33 (Jan 4, 2016)

Thanks for all your honest opinions. I just want to put a few things in to perspective though.

I brought up the fact that the test was from end of august with him and asked if he wouldn't mind taking a HIV test when we meet, you can buy self testing kits these days and that will put my mind at rest even more, he agreed.

As for genetic health, hes told me he and his family are all healthy and never had any problems. I don't see why anyone would do this and lie about stuff although I know it can happen. I guess I'm thinking that people have one night stands and get pregnant or people sleep around with out knowing all this stuff so at least he has been tested and I'm trying to find out as much as possible.

As for it not really being him and using any photo, I will be meeting him so I will then know its him in photo, I wont be alone I will be with my husband going in to a busy hotel. So I would feel safe. If I don't like him or its not him then it don't go ahead.

The STI letter was not forged, It was on official hospital paper , I can tell. I don't think theres any reason to jump to that conclusion.

I don't believe for one second a child could end up living with a donor sperm father his name wont be on birth certificate and why would any court do that, even getting contact rights would be very difficult especially as we will be using a pot of his sperm so I can inseminate myself. He has made it clear that he don't want any contact just the odd update, and he don't know where we live and don't know my surname. You can even draw up a contract for safe guarding before it goes ahead.

I think its also unlikely that any child would end up going out with their brother or sister, I know it has had happened but with all the millions of people in the world its extremely unlikely.

I do agree with some of what has been said and I'm not making excuses, but things need to be thought about in perspective and not jump to conclusions. I am trying to think of the pros and cons of everything.

As I said before I don't have the funds or the time to save to go through a clinic, this could be my only chance! x


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

This is setting off alarm bells for me. Would you think about egg sharing to reduce the costs of a cycle? I would not be happy at all for my partner to put their safety and health a risk like that.


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## KA33 (Jan 4, 2016)

Artypants said:


> This is setting off alarm bells for me. Would you think about egg sharing to reduce the costs of a cycle? I would not be happy at all for my partner to put their safety and health a risk like that.


Can I ask why the alarm bells? is that just because its not through a clinic? I have thought about egg sharing but again I would still need to pay for donor sperm or my husbands pesa operation which is about £1,000. Just don't have it.

My husband is happy for us to go through with this arrangement as long as he has been tested which he has.


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi there

Most of your post sadly makes me feel worried for you." He seems nice" just isn't enough to convince me that its a safe thing for you to be doing. I know these sites exist and I'm sure lots of healthy babies are created from them, however I have read plenty of negative stuff too. I'm sure my donor was a lovely person but she was also screened for all diseases. You are involving a stranger in your family who says he doesn't want contact, however you don't know for sure that wouldn't change in the future.

I don't mean to sound uncaring but £1000 can be saved in a reasonably short amount of time.


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## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

A fertility clinic will help you find a suitable donor. I cannot stress the importance of selecting someone who is registered. They will have been screened thoroughly for infections and any genetic issues - such as inherited disorders. The fertility clinic will also go through a matching procedure to asses the donors suitability and physical resemblance.

Please remember some STI's including HIV have incubation periods - which will not necessarily be picked up at testing.

If you choose to use a registered donor through the correct channels, then any child born will be yours in the eyes of the law - the donor will have no legal rights to your child.

However, if you are considering selecting a donor through a private arrangement, an internet company, or for through a friend for example and even if he wants to be involved with the child, we highly recommend consulting a solicitor first. Failure to cover the legal aspect may mean that the donor will also become the child's legal parent, with full rights and responsibilities. He may also be sought out by the state (Child Support Agency) for child payments, should you find yourself needing to claim benefits at a later date. We have seen instances of this happening on FF.

Its also important to understand the impact a private arrangement like this could have on your relationship. What seems a great idea - may be something you regret down the line. Our advice is to seek out a fertility counsellor before making the decision. BICA, The British Infertility Counselling Association will be able to point you in the direction of a professional counsellor. Their website has lots of useful information too and can be found here http://www.bica.net/

The 'Ask a Lawyer' board on our forum is hosted by Solicitors that specialize in fertility. Find out more here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=216.0

Best of luck,
Tony


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I can see that you are going down this route whatever! So I do wish you luck. BUT as a mother of ds lo I researched a lot, so to dismiss everything as 'not in perspective' is incredibly naive, blinkered and short-sighted, let alone potentially damaging to your health and ultimately your husbands too.
You say he's in agreement. Great. SO you;re the one risking everything, but it's ok because he agrees you should be the one to risk it all!
This may seem harsh, but is the fact of the matter.

As for HIV testing - HIV is ONE of many diseases he could be carrying. You will have NO protection whatsoever. As for false letterheads - I could produce one if I so desired! Imagine relilsing that you have syphillis when regnant and then have a potentially infected unborn child - damaged as a result and partner..... Extreme example maybe but plausible. And you've totally ignored incubation periods - some stds wont show up immediately - they can take three months to do so.

As for genetic health, he may not be lying. But a bank would have tested so you would know for sure! Some illnesses are not immediately apparent, undiagnosed in earlier generations etc and the donor maybe unaware. If this was your husband you would accept this as fate if your lo was affected, with a ds child that you could have prevented how wouldyou feel?

As for one night stands, women are willing to accept the risks - often as a result of alcohol/drugs. Many regret. Many end up saddled with an std. If you think this is for you, then that is your right to choose this path.

_*I don't believe for one second a child could end up living with a donor sperm father his name wont be on birth certificate and why would any court do that, even getting contact rights would be very difficult especially as we will be using a pot of his sperm so I can inseminate myself. *_
This out of everything you said is the biggest MISTAKE! Legally the donor has EVERY right. Your oh NONE! The donor would be the father as per the law. He can at any time in the next eighteen years take you to court for access, in the same way you can take him for maintenance. No contract to withdraw these rights would count in any UK court of law - you cannot take away a person's rights, even if at the time they supposedly consent!
Please read these:
http://www.bionews.org.uk/page_576844.asp
A UK High Court judge has ordered that the biological father of a teenage girl can maintain indirect contact with her, despite her opposition to the Court's intervention.

Mother was forced to hand over baby to 'sperm donor' father and his lover

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3317909/The-chilling-details-judgment-ordered-mother-hand-baby-gay-couple-gagging-order-prevented-telling-story.html#ixzz4QINwn8HC

_*I think its also unlikely that any child would end up going out with their brother or sister, I know it has had happened but with all the millions of people in the world its extremely unlikely. *_ Unlike;y but increasingly likely when the donor could have fathered tens or more, but have merely told you five! A bank would safeguard you further. Especially if an international bank. 
Sperm donor fathers '100 children' in four years by offering his services for free on social media http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/sperm-donor-fathers-100-children-8994416

I can so empathise that this may seem like your last chance/only opportunity. But I would really look further into this before you jump in syringe first! At 33, you DO have time on your side, all things being equal. Why not look into costing alternatives? Then you could at least work out the costs and how you could save for this in the say next year or so. Or loans etc if they could be an option. I really would encourage you to explore absolutely every option before going blind into this.

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that 
fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## joan1980 (Feb 8, 2016)

I'm adamant on never allowing the donor to know my name/address. I wouldn't expect theirs either. For the fact that the law recognizes the donor as an equal parent. And you never know what strings they can pull. They could be a social worker with access to colleagues who could demonise your parenting, in order to remove your child & get custody. I know that's a very negative thought, but stranger things have happened.

Also I don't think I'd meet at a hotel. I'd try to request meeting at a local supermarket café. Some have even met in supermarket cafes to hand over the donation. I don't know why but I feel a bit sceptical of those who want to meet at a hotel.

With regards to Cryos, the donors are taken on trust to be telling the truth. The only advantage seems to be with regards to health screening. As a sample needs to be quarantined for 6 months to be guaranteed free from HIV. But I'm not sure how they test.

MODERATOR NOTE Post has been edited to prevent any libel issues
Bundles


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

In addition to all what these ladies have said: he wants to chat with you and then go to your room to produce a sample. If he wanted to give you a sample, why doesnt he do it at home and just hand over to you, somewhere outside the hotel?
In any case, as i said before, i wouldnt dare, even if i would delay it for a whole year in order to savesome money and go through the official ways.


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

It sounds like alarm bells to me too, sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. 

I've walked this road before and so many of the men offering to be donors...there have been a lot of horror stories for me alone. Men not being who they say they are, men with very questionable reasons for donating, and one who bombarded me with texts, emails and threatening messages after I decided not to use him. 

Ultimately I decided that none of them seemed to be donating just to help women out - and while I'm sure there are some out there many of them seem to go through the proper channels (clinics etc) unless they're donating to someone they know. What about the stories of men who are "super donors" because they have 100+ offspring?

Some seemed to be SO keen to donate (see the bit above about the bombarding of messages!) and it made me wonder why the hell they would get upset at the recipient decided not to continue. Two men I spoke to gave me exactly the same STI certificate, obviously not theirs! I found them via pollen tree, pride angel and FSDW. Never again.

Go via the proper channels, if not for your sake for your child's. You can go via Cryos for £500 per attempt which is nothing compared to the cost of having a child. 

None of the people who are against it are doing it without reason, trust me.


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## alittlenervous (Apr 28, 2014)

I have had 3 timewasters on pride angel and co parent match so feel from to pm me. Just this guy sounds same as one 9f the ones I was contacted by


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## KA33 (Jan 4, 2016)

I'm not planning on defiantly doing this, if I was very sure then I wouldn't have written this post. It was just an option.

I agree with a lot that's been said but I just like to rationalise things rather than just think about the things that are unlikely to happen that's all.

Obviously I know more that I'm going to write, about the donor and why hes doing this ect and it all seems very genuine, I'm getting a good guy vibe.

I'm not too concerned with the legal stuff as I personally don't think theres too much to worry about there. Just my opinion.

I'm more concerned about the genetic health and things I may not know about and also the sexually transmitted diseases because even though he was tested I was fully aware of the incubation period.

I think when you write a post like this it may come across to people that ive made up my mind and things get lost in translation as its hard to explain things and of course its only truly me that knows what I know so far and my financial situation. £1000 may not be a lot to some people and easy to save for some but for me to save on both our part time rubbish job wages, it would probably take 3 years and by then my chances of conceiving are even less, that's what worries me.

I appreciate all feedback, cause that's exactly what I wanted to hear, just honest opinions. 

I'm going to explore other options such as egg sharing, in the meantime I'm not going to meet him when I next ovulate and just go through with it, but I am going to get to know him a bit more and my husband suggested we meet him for a coffee instead and get to know him a bit first and then just see how we feel whilst still exploring other options. I may even ask him if he would be willing to go through the clinic with us and see how he feels!

Thanks x


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Kirsty I hope you find a solution that works for you, and that fundamentally is is done safely on all levels.

Ladies, I'm now going to lock this thread as I feel any further comments may be unhelpful. I think everything has been said.

Bundles 
Board Moderator


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