# After some opinions/advice please



## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

We had planning meeting this morning, not your usual sort as we obviously dont need to do intros etc as K has been here for 16 months already  Just to sign agreement forms etc

Well one of the team managers who we dont see eye to eye with on a few things ( not just us , even our sw etc), today bought up the issue of some birth family knowing that K is being adopted by us his foster carers. For many reasons including that we live in same city and that they have met us at contact several times for fostering we have said even before we started home study that we didnt want them to know he has stayed with us as felt there were just too many risks involved (BM has lots of issues) 

Again we stood firm and said we dont want it to happen, especially when the adoption order hasnt been granted etc. She asked us what about letterbox contact and we agreed that it would be written as if it was from K so we need not put our names on it etc. She wanted to know what names we would use on the contact agreement form and I want to use my middle name. She has now decided we need to discuss this more before we sign contact agreement form so have another meeting next week! ahhhh

So can I ask if any of you stood firm about the birth family knowing your names etc and what you do about contact letter etc

She has really done my head in again  Even our sw whispered to me to stick to my guns as I was leaving

I can not wait until 14th Jan when I can put in court papers!

sorry for ramble 

xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Suzie

We are just having to sort our contact agreement out in the next few weeks but the only names the birth family will know us as is by shortened versions of our first names, it was how we were introduced when we met them.  I don't see what difference it makes using your middle name or even a made up one as long as SS have it on file for sending the letters out to you.  But then if you are doing it in K's name and they write back to K your names won't come into it, will they??

We have to send our letters to a PO Box number and so do BF, Post Adoption SWs then look at them and make sure they are OK to be sent on, I think they phone and ask if we want them sending first.

I thought you'd had the adoption order granted as well, sorry!  Seems silly having to wait more time when he has been with you so long.

Love
OT x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Thanks for your reply 

We have to wait 12 weeks from panel to get court dates. So counting down  

The woman basically thinks that we should tell them that he is staying with us and we dont agree (along with our fostering sw and team managers ) due to knowing things about us from fostering paperwork. She thinks that to use our middle name or made up one isnt fair on birth family!! Once the adoption order is granted then we can decide to do what we want to and we dont want them knowing he has stayed with us as it also impacts on future fostering. We have been open about this all throughout the process and now she is sticking her two penneth worth in! 

Shall see what the meeting next week brings! 

x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Dear Suzie, Sorry to hear you're having a few issues with the team manager! Roll on January when all decisions will be yours  

I'd stick to making the letters from K so she can't say you're misleading the BF... Mind you I'm amazed that she was so concerned about you using a made up name for yourselves. I'd have thought you had the right to some anonymity if you want it. I hope the visit next week goes better. Stick to your guns and do what feels best for you and your son.  

Love, CG xxxxxx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya suzie 

so the meeting was as you thought with that 'woman'!    dont have ay advice as we are not at your stage yet but just wanted to send a    

best of luck  x x x x x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Suzie
I would stand your ground and only agree and sign to stuff that you are 100% comfortable and happy about.

We had no reason at the time of DD's placement with us and subsequent meeting with the BF, for BF not to know our first names. But 3 years down the line and knowing that BF now live within a mile of our home, I wish more than anything that I'd have known the importance of as little information as possible.

We have to have the right to protect our identities, for our own peace of mind.

Best of luck


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Suzie

Massive  that your going through this rubbish!

Stick to your ground as its not like they birth family get to see the docs saying your full names anyway so why cant they just say to the birth family that they just write "adoptive parents/family" and names are not used to safety!

good luck hun and shout if you need us all to come back you up

xxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Stand your ground Suzie, our DS's BM knows our christian names because we met her but you are more vulnerable because you were his FC's.  Don't give away any more than you need to.

Good luck
Cindy


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Suzie,

Our dd's birth parents do not know our names as they was a risk in any contact letters we would sign of the 'adopters' in fact they had no details of us whatsoever, when we met up with them our social worker's name wasnt even given.

I know each case is different but I think you have a very rational reason as to why you dont want to use your full name.

Good luck

Dawny
x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Thanks for your replies 

We had second meeting this week and team manager did a complete u turn  and decided prob best we dont use our names! Which is what we have said all along. I think she spoke to other managers and they told her that we arent to use them.
So second meeting was a complete waste of everyones time!

x


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## Guest (Nov 14, 2008)

Glad it is all sorted now - pity about the hassle in between.  

Just noticed you were approved as ST FC a  month after us - and we've now adopted our "family" too.  Quite early on we realised we weren't cut out for fostering - giving back was just too hard and in some ways for us it became an easy route to adoption.    

Hope all goes smoothly from now

Bop


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi Bop 

We must be mad as we are hoping to go back to fostering in the new year 

x


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## Guest (Nov 14, 2008)

Three is enough for me.....I know my limits although DD2 keeps asking when we are going to have a baby!

Hope all goes well with the fostering too.

Bop


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