# 1 DD, about to start DE but suddenly feeling too old & too tired to cope



## TSP

Hello
Ok........ ye 're going to think I've completely lost the plot because, well because I think I have, I am worried about posting this because of what you'll all think but I have to talk to someone .........Having pushed myself to my very limit financially, physically & emotionally in the last year to have a 2nd child, a sybling for our DD, I find myself on the eve (metaphorically) of starting DE treatment with one of two clinics, still not decided which,  and ...... I'm having major doubts  . I'm a mess,    pure terror but not as you would expect of the process (which in many ways is a doddle compared to OE IVF) or of it not working, no, I suddenly feel worn down used up and ancient & really really doubting my ability to cope with another baby.  I know you all must think.....well I don't know what you think other than ur all desperate for a baby & here am I posting this s--t! Sincere apologies if I offend or upset any of you.  If I try to be rational for a moment .... I have a history of a v bad back &  i've just put it out again this week so I'm thinking i can't even pick up or play with my DD so why am I even considering having another.  My bits, internally have never been the same since I gave birth which is a daily concern so what kind of state will they be in after another pregnancy/delivery? Emotionally I'm all over the place - (I have suffered from depression in the past hence my desire not to take the pill/oestrogen for any longer than necessary as I found the pill made me very depressed in previous OE cycles) and I'm finding it very difficult to work out exactly what I am feeling.  Am I telling myself I don't want another baby to shield myself from another failure?  It took me a good 4 months to recover from my last cycle.  How much of what I'm feeling is connected to the concept of Donor Eggs? It certainly is a contributing factor in that I've no one to talk to about my feelings ie for the sake of any child I'm not telling my friends & family - I want to be the one who tells any child we do have that they were a DE conception, I don't want them overhearing some whispered or drunken comment from someone else.  My DH really wants another child & if we don't do DE is v keen on adoption  - I absolutely know i can't face the 4 year process & being 48 when I get a child IF we were deemed suitable.  So do I feel pressured into DE in order to avoid the adoption route?  Why am I suddenly swamped by all these doubts, a couple of months ago I couldn't wait to be pregnant.  It is beyond irresponsible to create a baby if you're not absolutely certain you want one.  Is it true that your work doesn't double with a 2nd child, it trebles?  Am I being selfish thinking of myself rather than what my DH & DD want? Is this just another panic attack that will be gone in a couple of days?


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## Candee

Hi Hun,
I am sorry you are feeling so panicky! This whole process is so stressful, isn't it?!
I am afraid I don't really have the answers to your questions, but instead just a 
suggestion that you might want to talk to a counsellor? My clinic have insisted that
I have a full counsellor's report before the treatment goes ahead. TBH I thought
"Oh no! What  pain!" But now that I have had my first appointment, I have to say
I found it really helpful, just to talk the issues through with a professional. It was
a really positive experience for me, because I am very worried about so many things
and maybe it might help you get things clearer and decide what you really want to do 
hun? Just a thought. Anyway, if you want to pm me that's fine - I don't have the 
answers but I do understand how hard it all is!
Best wishes
Candee
x


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## Skybreeze

Team seanyPod... You sound lost sweetie,   I think to be honest that you may be scared about what this cycle means. The fact that its DE is a step futher for you. Only you can make the final dicision. I think a talk with Dh and about your feelings might help.

Candee has a point whens she says maybe a counsellor can help. I found it a huge help when I did my egg share cycles. 
Please dont think your selfish, your not!! Your an amazing person, and I bet your DD would agree! 

Let us know how you get on. 
Take care
Natalie xxx


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## Dawn401

Hi,
I am very new here but I really understand how you feel. I am a little older than you and there are day's I think..what am I doing?? 
For some reason, I am hesitating on sending my deposit in for a donor. Why?? I even have names picked out...silly! I had a really bad day yesterday and almost gave my eggs another try which at 45 is just plain silly, but I have great responce and great stims..had I unlimited money I would probably keep trying but I am using everything we got for this cycle.
I know tomorrow will be another day and I will be back to can't wait until I am pregnant again. But honestly, it would be nice to talk to someone every once in a while besides hubby. Because of my age there is no one in Arkansas who understands, no friends or family. That in itself makes it hard. Hubby is very supportive and I love being a mom..but even when you want something so bad it is still scary and the future being unknown is really scary. I hope you are feeling better today!
((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Hi Girls
Thanks a million for ur replies. I really was having a melt down. No decisions or major beakthro's to report yet but I am a bit calmer.  

Skybreeze & Candee - We had seen the counsellor at our clinic here b4 going to our 1st apts in Barcelona & I thought i'd talked everything thro ..... have booked an apt for next week with an independent counsellor that my SIL went to because she was having panic attacks & suffering stage fright after years of failed IVF.  I've had 3 physio sessions on my back but it's still not right.  And I went to see a healer I've been using on & off last night - really helped. Basically I think its no accident my back is at me, I think maybe my back acts as an early warning device telling me to slow down & take time out when I'm under pressure.....

Dawn - Oh yes, I recognise the symptoms   Supposed to be starting but somehow just haven't done some vital crucial bit that is needed to get the show on the road.  I haven't postponed treatment yet ...but I haven't ordered my drugs either -   So I'm still sitting in this very uncomfortable place of not knowing what I'm doing, waiting for "clarity" to jump up & bite me in the butt! Obviously I completely identify with your situation as we are about the same age with toddlers and yes everyone assumes we must be finished babymaking coz of our age & the fact that we have children already. Were ur DS & DD natural conception or IVF or DE?  My DD was was from our 2nd OE ICSI, unfortunately we lost her twin around 10 weeks...which of course makes me think what if.....  This is our 1st DE & I'm really wondering how much that has to do with my uncertainty ...... its just not the same as OE no matter how much I try to convince myself it won't make any difference ... am I afraid I won't bond with the baby? or is it that I'm afraid that we & everyone else will be comparing/contrasting with our DD? or am i just shallow? or thinking up excuses not to have another baby?  AGH!! It is true to say that if I was to get pregnant tomorrow ...it would take another 2 years for me to get back to my current level of feeling like I know what I'm doing & just starting to rediscover me - Selfish?
All in all I think I need to take a bit of time to sort thro my feelings. Hope ur feeling better today, maybe utr fog has already lifted.


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## Dawn401

Hi,
Both my children are natural, the first basically the first time I had sex and hubby left when she was 2 months old so I raised her alone and didn't find my husband until I was almost 40. I was single 21 years. I really thought I would get PG easy hey I did the last time I wanted a baby..the thought of infertility was not even in my mind, I had not even given it a thought. Then wham no pregnancy after a year then went to an RE and had 7 iui's and BFN we took a cycle off to do IVF and got pregnant. Then 4 IVF's with my eggs the last year and a half and all BFN's. So on to do DE, (my husband had never been married and our son is his only child), we just want our family finished. 
Why I am balking . 1..two different companies represent Jimmed hospital and I am trying to decied who to go with..one is cheaper but one lady more on the ball and compassionate. 2..hubbies company just got bought out and his job uncertain. He thinks he will keep it but... however, I am getting older and want to be PG now so the age differences aren't too bad and I am not too old. My 26 year old does not like children, sadly that includes her brother and I don't want to raise another only child. I want him to have siblings because I am older and I want him to have family. I see my daughter being an only child so long and..well, I just don't want another only child.

I can tell you of personal experiences I have a G/F who had done everything in her life but have a baby, so at 50 she had DE and has twin girls..she is almost 53 and they are 2 1/2 and look just like her. I also have other people I know through the board of another site that is thrilled and happy with thier choice and the babies are also here and they bonded fine. So I don't know if that helps. 
I know I am just now enjoying sleep again and thinking about having babies..honestly that is my worst fear. I have a brain injury which does not allow me to sleep unless I take sleep medications... ( went into a coma at 31) anyway when I had my son I had to stay awake for day's/ nights because hubby works nights so I couldn't sleep until he would take over and I could knock myself out. I was so tired!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't help, he wanted to sleep too, so the first 6 months it was common for me to have to go 56 hours without sleep. Hubby has to help more this time. Again no family, friends close to help, so not really looking forward to the no sleeping, however my son is now 3 and today quite a pistol... and I love it. .... So off I go again. 
Today I am back on to wanting the baby even though my son threw his breakfast all over the floor and is making my chair go up and down as I try to type..LOL 
If I could "hire" someone to help so I could sleep that would make this choice so much easier. Hubby is great dad now I just think the newborn thing was scary to him...now he takes him and gives me day's off, which is wonderful!

I hope my rambling helps you...you can PM me or write anytime.
Keep me imformed on how things turn out. I don't know about where you live but older mom's in Arkansas is NOT common so every play group I belong too I am older, most mothers are younger than my daughter.  That really ( usually) doesn't bother me I am also the mom who has kids all in my lap and playing on the floor with them because I know what it is like to have children grow up and move away so I am enjoying every miniute of his life, because someday they all will be grown.
Okay enough rambling.. 

I wish you the best!!
((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Dawn,
Lovely to hear from you again.  The sleep thing, yes that worries me too but ..Crikey ...56 hours without sleep....I'd commit murder  . Ur Dh will deffo have to help more this time.  Ur 53 yr old gf is an inspiration & gives me great hope that I will cope.
My hubby was an only child for 9 years until his mum remarried so that's his motivation. As for me ... I'm one of six so I always thought I'd have a big family myself but like you I didn't meet my husband until the eve of my 40th birthday. I told him I was 35 & I was determined I was just having a fling, a last hurrah for my 30's so to speak.....within a year we'd moved in together & started trying for a baby. So much for having an uncomplicated fling   
Financial uncertainty is an issue for us too.  I work 4 days a week for a pittance & my dh set up his own company 3 years ago ..all very difficult in the current economic climate. I'm in Ireland & things are pretty dire here at the mo.  I'm not sure how people will react here to a pregnant 44 yr old   Raised eyebrows & probably an assumption that we've had IVF but I think only those who've been on the infertility rollercoaster will think DE.  Its stilll a very new concept here which is why we've decided not to tell anyone including family for the moment anyway. iIve enough to deal with sorting out my own feelings about it all with out having to deal with another 7 + inlaws opinions aswell.  My 42 yr old sister is pregnant (naturally) with her 3rd, due at the end of June. she has a DS 7, and DD 5 and has been trying for #3 for the last 4 yrs.  I'm hoping that people will just think we're a highly fertile family that have children late in life.
Talk again soon
Must go to bed now, my DD hasn't slept a night through since she had the chicken pox 3 weeks ago so I really need some zzzzzz's


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## Dawn401

Ireland! I have alway's wanted to go to Ireland! I am Irish, red headed, naturally curly and all. and We named our son Kieran after St Kieran a 6th Century Irish Catholic saint known for his love and generosity and building the first learning center in Europe.
Have you decieded on if your going ahead?? I must say my G/F has a lot of help, so the twins are easy for her if she wants to do something she has free babysitters. How lucky! Hubby and I have been out 3 times since Kieran has been born.

Yes, the economic situtaion is not good here either, most diffently understand that. Today, I am balking again. Had nightmares last 3 nights..always a sign that something I am doing is causing stress...so I am going to take a few day's and relax, and not think about the DE. If it was free, I would be there in a heartbeat..but so much money..yet a lot less than the USA..a DE cycle in the USA is between 30,000-48,000 and I am paying 10,000 in Cyprus. Still a lot of money to us.

Keep in touch and let me know how things go..hope you got some sleep!

((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Hi Dawn,
Sorry I haven't been back to you. I had alot of thinking to do ...... as a result of which I've postponed starting at either IM or Eugin in Barcelona I have made another 1st apt with a clinic called Vistahermosa in Alicante on June 6th, I know you think I'm crazy no.

Anyway if we're happy with the 1st apt I'll take the decapetyl inj on my next day 21 which will be about 2 weeks after apt. Then hoping for a donor asap after that with ET sometime in August. I'm going with my gut instinct here.....URVH just suddenly popped up in front of me on FF, I'd never heard of it b4 & wasn't actually looking for another clinic I just knew something wasn't right with me suddenly, out of the blue questioning whether I wanted or could cope with another child etc etc. I think now that Eugin & IM just weren't doing if for me! I was supposed to be starting meds in about 10-14 days but I'm not, I'll emailed them that I want to postpone but haven't heard anything back yet. IM charge €9800, Eugin charge €6400 and VH charge €6000. We are waiting for the results of a FISH test on DH's sperm & depending on that may need PGD. IM charge €2900!!!! extra for PGD whereas VH include it in the price if you need it. Eugin are c**p at communication - 3 weeks & still waiting for sperm test results!! Also I like that VH will take the embryos to blastocyst if appropriate, our DD was blast so I've alot more faith in blast ET's and am suspicious (another gut feeling) that some clinics desire to do day 2/3 ET's has more to do with their profits than science.

Because of the flights from here we'd have to stay for 3 days anyway do we've decided to have afamily holiday & we are now thinking of staying in Benidorm for the week (about an hour from alicanta) & coming down for the apt. Nothing booked yet but I think it might?? be more child friendly there than in alicante city with other kids around for her to play with etc.

My back is feeling better which is a sure sign that postponing was the right thing to do. Hope ur feeling ok & not still having nightmares,


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## Candee

Hi Team Seanypod
I am really glad that you have worked things out and sound so much happier!

Candee
x


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## TSP

Thanks Candee, yes feeling much more +ve, for the moment anyway. How's thing with you?


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## mowgli09

Hello my Irish friend,
Killing time online and spotted your post just in and read this thread to find out how you are.

My poor girl      

What a mill you have been grinding yourself through, you must be exhausted. But I am pleased you have somehow found some resolution and a plan to move forwards. Given that I am on my last cycle with my eggs, then plan B is donor in august, I can relate just a little bit to how you might be feeling, although dont have a DD or DS already.
I hope this new clinic is better for you, certainly sounds like it is already.

Keep in touch and let me know how you get on,

Big hugs         

Sashbash xxxx


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## TSP

Hi Sash   
I check into ARGC thread every now & again to see how the NK girls are doing, but I don't post much. So sorrry about Wolfie . Did you trigger at the weekend? Hope they are two beauties a la PepT - what an inspirational story. 

Yes I'm feeling much better about the new clinic or is it just the postponing or both?? Having seen a counsellor we've decided we're not telling anyone, friends or family that we are doing DE just to ensure that we are the ones that get to tell our child how he/she was conceived - I definitely don't want them overhearing something from someone else. You'll notice that I've trimmed down my signature so it's not quite so revealing of my identity.

Good luck with your EC     hopefully DHEA has worked some magic on the quality if not the quantity


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## Dawn401

Hi Ladies,
Been out of town and couldn't respond. I am so glad you have been feeling better. I am still in limbo...10,000 is so hard for us to come up with I have 6,000 but UGGG!!!

Glad that waiting has helped you alot, maybe it will with us also?

Wishing everyone luck..keep us updated!
((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Hi Dawn,
Yeah I feel clearer... at the mo anyway.  Off to Alicante on sat for a week's holiday with the apt at Vistahermosa on Mon 8th.  Can't wait for the hol & really hoping I get warm +ve vibes from the clinic.  We got our FISH sperm test results from IM & they show genetic abnormalities which was a major blow & means we will definitely need PGD.  At least VH include it in their €6000 price unlike IM who want another €2900 for it!!! Will let you know how we get on


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## lucymorgan

Hi everyone,

just wanted to say I got bad PND with my DS (conceived naturally within 4 months of trying) and was getting an average of 2 hours sleep a night due to chronic insomnia for the first 5 months before I discovered the sleep clinic and was put on prosac ad sleeping pills.  Saved my life.  Never again I thought - for the first few weeks I wanted him adopted.

Then 2 years later a complete turn around and we decided to add to our family never thinking it would not be so straightforward.  Anyway after over 3 years trying we now have a baby on board conceived through DE.  I had a couple of wobbles as I felt pretty sick and tired and flat at first.  Couldn't believe after all my effort I wasn't rejoicing in the street singing with joy !!  

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that we can have such a range of different emotions that can u turn quite dramatically.  After my DS I was never ever going to have another one... I found the birth and first few months so traumatic.  Its okay to have doubts and wobbles and helps so much to be able to talk about how you feel.  Through ff / a counsellor / friends whatever route works best.  I think if in doubt then wait until you have a clearer sense of what you want.  Or you could always use the trick of throwing a coin and fixing a decison on the outcome.  If you throw the outcome you dont want you will feel very resitant and it will help clear your thinking.

LucyMxx


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## TSP

Hi all,
Since starting this thread we have decided to go ahead with DE at Vistahermosa clinic in Alicante basically coz they are cheaper than Eugin & IM, (only €6000 including 1st apt, all blood tests, FISH test on sperm, recipient medication, one night in a hotel) guarantee 6 eggs, back up donor, routinely take embryos to blastocyst, excellent communication skills (despite not having english speaking doctors) and just feels better to me. Feeling much more positive about going ahead now, despite the FISH test showing chromosomally abnormal sperm and us needing PGD which will cost an extra €2900.  Mostly I believe because I'm happier with the clinic but..... I am also going for counselling which may be helping. I will be starting with the decapeptyl injection the day after tomorrow - agh! and am quite nervous about the imminent hormone induced depression that will follow but I am excited to be starting also.  With the sperm issues I don't know what our % chances of success are but here goes......   
 

Lucy - thanks for sharing your story, having suffered from depression in the past I was terified about getting PND when I had my DD but luckily i didn't, I wasn't exactly full of the joys of spring which you might expect having conceived thro IVF, but I wasn't suicidal either thank God. I'm a big fan of the coin toss approach to sussing out your real feelings i do it all the time


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## Skybreeze

Hey hun

I wish you all the luck in the world!!! Lots us know how you get on!!!

Thinking of you
Natalie xxx


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## TSP

Natalie,
Thanks.
I'm so very very sorry to see from your signature thaat you lost your baby lost recently   - my heart breaks for you    . I lost my DD's twin around the same time, 9-10 weeks and I was devastated but at least I was still pregnant & was eventually able to focus on that fact & not our loss.  Again my heartfelt sympathies for your loss . xx


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## Dawn401

You name it and it has gone wrong here..had to hire a lawyer 3,000 gone... Then 5,000 gone then our air condioner went out. Mom had cancer and had surgery UGG!!! ( she is okay) 
Please God give me a break.

How are you ladies doing, I pray doing alright. 

((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Oh Dawn you poor thing    . Thank God your mum is ok tho, that's the really important thing.  I assume all the unexpected expenditure has delayed your DE plans even if you could get your head around it when u have so much going on?


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## Dawn401

No actually to help increase stress levels we leave when AF starts and that will be in a few day's. I am so excited and scared at the same time...PLEASE god one more miracle! 

Little man is up will post more soon.
Thank you for the support!

((hugs))
Dawn


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## TSP

Crikey Dawn - You go girl!  Let me know when you are off & what kind of protocol you'll be on etc etc


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## Dawn401

What's really nice of the DE is all I am on is Lupron right now then estridial when AF starts to build the linning and then progesterone day of transfer. I have the easy part my poor donor has to take the most shots.

I am getting nervous, scared of failing, but very hopeful and happy at the same time, I know, I am   ...Last night couldn't sleep for anything!

Sending    to all  
Dawn


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## TSP

Dawn - Good Luck        Yes its definitely easier than an OE cycle but all the uncertainty is killing me. We will only get about 48 hours notice of ET!  How long do you think you'll be away in total? Will you take ur DS with you? Have they given you an approx date for ET?


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## Dawn401

Actually they have given me no info at all. I am waiting AF which SHOULD be here any day but she hides when I do IVF..can we spell stress?? I know nothing about where we are staying, hotels, dates nothing and it's driving me nuts. I am a planner in some things and going around the world just the plane trip alone is taking 39 hours  ( we are making a few stops and layovers) so would like a little more info but guess I have to wait for AF, which is making it all worse..

I need AF prayers...LOL

How are you doing

hugs!
Dawn


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## Candee

Hi Dawn,
No wonder you are stressed! I was getting worked up in May because I still did not have the final dates and could not book my flights for the end of July. Like you, I am going a long way and so I wanted everything in place. Can you not get in touch with the IVF co-ordinator at the clinic? I kept on emailing until I got everything sorted out. If you are not naturally a last minute merchant, you can't cope with the uncertainty! 
I hope you get your dates through soon!
Candee
x


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## TSP

Dawn,
Yes the uncertainty is horrendous. Am in the UK on a friends laptop. Having down Reg scan and Immune blood tests at the ARGC in London tomorrow and then home again. Will post again tues,  
Come on the AF, Come on the AF   
Hi Candee - how are you? what stage are you at now?


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## Dawn401

The darn witch is still hiding...Mom and dad are back for me to take them to Dr's apts tomorrow, have Dr's apt with MIL all day today ( she doesn't drive either) I tried so hard to get everything done this weekend, hubby and I got a lot done but not all. Will e-mail Romina and see if she can tell me anything.
My MIL& SIL, mom and Dad was not happy about us trying again ( they think 1 is enough) but actually are now behind me on this cycle ( they don't know we are doing DE...we are in the no tell camp..) But everyone calls me everyday to see if the witch has arrived. Funny every month I pray we are pregnant and she doesn't come..and she comes anyway..now I want her to come and she is taking her sweet time UGG!!!..LOL

Hope you are having a good day!
Dawn


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## Candee

Dawn - the wicked witch is an evil old cow, isn't she!    Boo hiss! Hangs around when you don't want her, disappears when you do! I am desperate for her to arrive on Thursday, so that I can start sniffing! 
Hope she comes soon!

TSP, I am fine, just under three weeks now till I fly to SA!
Take care everyone
Candee
x


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## Skybreeze

Hey ladies

We have a secondary chat thread here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=169490.420
If you fancy it. We would love to keep up with all your cycle and pregnancies!!! 

Natalie xxx


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