# Sooo unsure about trying for a second



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I am lucky enough to have a 6 month old daughter through pgd icsi after 3 failed attempts.  We have 2 healthy embryos stored at Guys hospital if we want to use them.  Now this is where i'm struggling a bit, my dh would love to try for a second, im not so sure.  Im so so happy with my life and with my amazing little daughter that i feel unsure if trying for a second is the right thing to do, but because we have frozen embryos we will have to make a decision on what to do with them regardless so i know in my heart i would end up going back for a fet, but is it really what i want?  My dh thinks its wrong to try for a second just because i feel obliged due to the fact that we have 2 frozen embryos, i agree with him.


We were really driven to the point that we generally thought we wouldn't have a child after finding out we both have fertlity issues and i also have a genetic one, hence the pgd.  So to finally get out bfp and to have an easy pregnancy and a strait forward birth was totally amazing.  My daughter is also pretty easy going, she sleeps well and is very sociable, so life is a bit of a dream.


I really want to be honest about how i feel but i dont want to offend anyone, that is not my intentions so please bear with me on this one. 


1)  This is my biggest concern.  That i will be drawn back into wanting another baby.  I see so many ladies on here finally getting their bfp, only to want a second just as much as their first.  I so never want to feel this, whats the point of working so hard to have one child when you finally get your long for baby only to crave another? (sorry that sounds harsh, its not meant to be, but that's my greatest worry)  What i do wander is if these ladies were really driven to the point of having to consider if they would ever have one child? and maybe that has a bearing on your want for another? If anyone can shed some personal light on this i would so appreciate it.  I know i sound judgemental, but im not honestly, its just a burning question i have.


The reason i ask this question is cos i dont have a burning desire for number 2, but would i get it if i started trying for a second?  And is the reason i dont have a huge desire for number 2 because i never thought i would get the first? or has this nothing to do with it?




2) I know having a second child must be hard work, but is it still just an enjoyable?  I dont want to tip the scales so to speak and make it harder work than its enjoyable.  Iv seen several friends really struggle after their second child and i wander if they had their time again would they have chosen to have a second?


I dont believe that an only child is a lonely child so im not worried about that, i just want to know that i want a second child and that if i try for a fet and dont succeed that i wont be left with a huge desire to have a second or that im not going to get sucked into the world of ivf once again.


Also if anyone who has had a first and tried for a second with out success can tell me how they felt about it i would appreciate it.


Thanks again to anyone who has read this and i hope i havnt offended anyone.




xxxxxxxxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

O dear i hope i havnt offended anyone.  Sorry if i have   .


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## Dandanxx (Jan 15, 2011)

No offence taken my end!

Your clearly not ready for a second, so therefore should not even be considering cycling again. 
You can store your embryos for a good while at least, so what's the rush?

I always knew I wanted two children, and from the moment I had dd, I had a burning desire to do it all again.
I missed being pregnant and just enjoyed being a Mummy so much that I wanted to do it all again.

Your Daughter is only 6 months so still a baby - you may start to feel different In 12 months or so, when she isn't such a little baby and all those broody feelings come flooding back.

Your post sounds as though your not ready to have another. Enjoy your Daughter for now, if in time you feel you want to try again, your lucky to have a frozen cycle waiting for you; If not I'm sure you will all be very happy going forward as a family of three.
We are all different, so do what is right for you amd your family.

x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Dandan


Thank you so much for your reply i really appreciate it.  I know im very lucky to have 2 frozen ones.  Maybe im not ready maybe your right?  I totally love being a mum its been the most amazing experience of my life, maybe i just struggle to see how i could be this lucky again.  Or maybe iv just thought far too much about it all and i just need to not worry.  xxxxx


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi Coweyes, 
I totally empathise with what you are saying. I always thought I would be racing back to have number two asap and it just didnt happen like that. I felt totally happy having had DS and in no rush at all- I didn't want to stop breastfeeding before I was ready or compromise the fab experience . In fact even at the point of starting again when Ds was 2 I was ambivalent but did want a sibling for Ds.  I'm now 9 months later 7 weeks preg (  fresh cycle with no transfer Fet that didnt work in june and success now)  and I'm really excited and nervous (scan tomorrow)and ready for number two. But it never has become the same all encompassing feeling as before although I have resented the process more. 
I have felt fine with friends having number 2, fine with my sis about to have number 2 and I think in some ways waiting for me to be ready has removed that element of wanting what others have. I havent had no. 2 yet because I havent been ready. 
I would say wait,  enjoy your daughter,  keep the frosties on ice and see how you feel in a year -  you may change your mind either way. 
Livity 
Ps I also really worry about no 2 being more stressful as DS has been so easy!


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## Dandanxx (Jan 15, 2011)

No problem!
We all have our fears about having a second, but when you are ready you will be happy to face those fears and worries because it will be what you want.
It's all the planning that comes with infertility that makes everything so much more hardwork.
If I knew I could fall naturally, I would have waited until dd was two and not given it a seconds thought until we were ready to try, but you can't help but think about how long things will take and all the what ifs.

You will know when/if your ready and for what it's worth, I think your being very sensible - you have waited so long and don't want anything to ruin this most amazing time in your life.
Enjoy ! x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

livity k


So it wasn't all consuming? how reassuring that is, i haven't come across many people who have said that.  Iv got the impression its been as important as trying for the first.


Age is another factor i'm now 34 so if we decide we want another i don't think we have too long to decide.  Is it more about the age of the embryos rather than the age of the mother as it would be a fet for me.  We have 2 frozen and would not got back for a fresh cycle, a fresh cycle of icsi pgd would cost £9,000   , also just don't have the drive for that, which im quite pleased about.


Dandan thanks for your advise.  xxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i''m pregnant but still have frosties, and already have thought a bit about the sibling thing.

coweyes i wonder if you are so convinced your daughter is a miracle, that you just can't believe you could be that lucky twice?

i have one sister - a long-standing childhood argument went along the lines of ' i was so amazing they *had* to try and get another one but when you came along they realised they couldn't get that good again so they stopped' 'no,no, that's not it at all, they were disappointed in you so they had another go and stopped after me because they finally got it right'!

sibling rivalry huh! of course we're both different and each can't imagine the other not having been there. The thing about the argument is that of course both sides of it are wrong. creating a second is about a whole new person, not about comparing to the first. it wouldn't be 'better' or 'worse' it would just be 'new'.

i think when we get a new person in our lives the love we have already isn't diluted or shared out, but a whole new love arrives and grows along with the new person. 


i'm not trying to talk you into or out of using them - just concerned that you don't get caught up in thinking about embryos and pregnancy... think about the existing families you know... 


i promised my embryos i would go back for them no matter what. but i am nervous about keeping that promise... i'm already 43....there's four embies... they might not defrost... i might lose this pregnancy....but what if they do and i don't... i never planned on 5 children! besides which i don't think i would cope with more than one more pregnancy time-wise.
what i am saying is thst even with the very best intentions, there's a chance i would (sadly) have to let some embryos go. i wonder very much about what i would do in the event of my current pregnancy giving me a child with long term care needs. Now that i haven't yet worked out.. would i risk a sibling with the same problems, or would a sibling be care and company for the other when i am gone? again maybe a situation where i had to say goodbye to embies. tricky.

if you don't want another that's fair enough, but don't 'not try' just because you're worried you can't get that lucky twice or you're scared of another pregnancy... think about how you will answer when your four year old comes in from nursery and asks why they haven't brother or sister. if you think you will answer confidently, fine, but don't put yourself in a situation where you then feel bad for lost embies...

x


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

It really hasn't been the same second time round I have also had the fear it would suddenly take over. I think we are similar ages I'm now 35 and will be (fingers crossed) nearly 36 when I have no 2. I'm older than I hoped ( first IVF was when I was 30 ) but quite similar to friends. 
It is the age of the embryo not you that counts as well. 
I have been quite surprised by my own feelings DH has been much more broody than me, I would have thought before I would have been much more driven to number two. 
If you have your frosties- I would wait and see when you feel ready and maybe talks through what you might feel if they didn't work and reinforce your decision not to try full cycle again. 
I think I have been quite lucky in my relative calm over this but from your first post how you were describing your feelings sounded familiar so maybe you would be too? 
Livity


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Livity K

So far i certainly dont have the drive for number 2 that i had for number 1.  Having my daughter was all consuming maybe cos it took so long, 6 years.  With Fet we would at most have the chance of 2 goes if both embryos  survive the thaw so the process would be over with in 6 months im guessing either way.  My dh wouldn't want a fresh cycle either for us it would be going too far for a second, + we simply don't have the money.


Goldbunny


I think you have hit the nail on the head! I honestly don't think we would be so lucky second time around, i'm still totally surprised that we have a child.  Dont get me wrong i dont think my baby is any different than anyone elses just that it appeared so far fetched that we would achieve a positive pregnancy and a healthy child.  


I think the crunch is that deep down i do want it, im just scared of dreaming that its possible!  But it is possible as i have 2 healthy embryos, i just cant get my head around it.




xx


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## Tick (May 2, 2011)

Hi Coweyes, a little late but I thought I'd throw in my two penn'orth to the conversation.

I had my DS in Jan 2012, and my DH and I were not convinced about going for number 2.  I had 4 frosties, so I always knew the option was there.  I had a few other things that made me doubt it - I had hyperemesis & high blood pressure, so hadn't enjoyed the pregnancy at all.  Then when DS arrived, he wasn't much of one for sleeping, so after 9 months and still not sleeping through I was exhausted and couldn't imagine how much more difficult it could be with two!  Then my DH would say things like he wasn't sure about having a second child as he loved DS so much, how could another child fit in.

However as, before we discovered the fertility issues, the intention had been to have at least 2 children, I gave myself a deadline - my 40th birthday this year.  If we hadn't got as far as trying by the time I was 40, then we should rule it out, it wasn't going to happen.  Earlier this year (after we'd both finally started getting sleep) I got in touch with the clinic, and we planned an FET for September.    The final thing for me was I imagined a conversation with DS where he asked why he didn't have a brother or sister.  I could cope with an answer of "we tried, but it didn't work", or even "because you were all we wanted".  But I just couldn't leave myself with the answer "we didn't bother trying because mummy was too chicken to put herself through it"  (which is what I was thinking, even if that isn't actually how I would have said it).

As far as going through the treatment, it was weirdly more relaxed than before.  I didn't get so wound up about it, as I knew that it wasn't the same End of the World if it didn't work, as I am lucky enough to have DS.  When it came to the 2ww I was more bothered - half of me was thinking "I know this can work, so this must have as well" and half of me was thinking "It worked the last time, so odds are it won't this time".  As it turned out, it did work, and I'm now 5wks pregnant!  I'm now terrified of how much work two children will be, especially as I will be 40 by the time no 2 turns up, but I keep telling myself that plenty of other people manage!  The other thing that made it slightly easier in my head was actually because of the infertility.  By skipping the stage of month of month of trying naturally and failing, I hadn't worried about it at all.  I focussed my worry on just the treatment.  And as I had 4 frosties I knew that I had a finite number of attempts, so the mental pain of going through treatment was limited.  (I had already ruled out another fresh cycle).


Good luck with whatever you do decide, but don't feel you have to rush.  Give yourself a deadline if that helps (if I hadn't done that I'd never have got round to thinking about it), but don't push yourself into something you're not ready to think about yet.  

Hope that another story from someone who was unsure about trying will help with things to think about.

Tick


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

I fell pregnant with a surprise natural conception (ovulation problems and possible egg quality issues) after deciding NOT to go down the IVF route. I fell pregnant whilst we were having a break from all the fertility woes before pursuing adoption.

I want to have another baby BUT I don't want to be rushed into it on account of the problems we have and the time it took to fall pregnant. People are already advising that we get on with trying as soon as possible (very annoying and pointless as i'm due to give birth any day now   ) but nobody knows what is round the corner. I've decided to think like someone who has never experienced fertility issues - I will try again if and when I am ready and what happens happens...just like anyone else (there are never any guarantees for anyone). I'm 36 but really feel that it would be a mistake to pressure myself into something until the time is right - and we are the only ones to decide when (or if) that point comes. I never want that all-consuming feeling again - but sometimes we don't get a say in how our feelings take over. Whilst you feel content - enjoy that and don't overthink. If your feelings change in the next 6-12 months - you can cross that bridge when you get to it x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Sorry i havnt replied Tick and LittleL77 and hello to every else to took the time to reply to me.


Well mmmmm life is a very odd thing.  On Tuesday i found out i was pregnant naturally, we haven't used contraception for over 7 years as our consultant said that the odds were so low whats the point.  Well our situations a bit different from most peoples as i have a chromosome problem that could lead to miscarriage and a slim chance of having a child with a disability.  I could also be carrying an unhealthy baby who could miscarry after 3 months, even though its much more likely that this would happen very very early on.  


Anyhow we went for a scan on Thursday to find out that i am 12 and a half weeks gone  .  Omg it was mad.  I was beyond scared that it was another ectopic, but there was clearly a baby there and a heart beat.  So even though i am very delighted, i am shocked and rather scared.  So now we need to decide if we want a cvs done on the baby, this comes with a miscarriage rate of 1-2%, its hard to weight it us as there is no real hard evidence about my chromazone problem.  My dh doest want it done for many reasons and im undecided.  But we have to decide by next week.  I should just be happy im pregnant but its come with a lot of worry.  xxxxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Wow, I just come on to post a comment and I saw your update!

Congratulations and I really hope that you have a healthily bubba in there.  Keep us updated.

X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Thanks Stacy  7 years we tried for a baby through fertility treatment, never using contraceptive.  Finally i get my long for bfp and a daughter and then with in 4 months im pregnant again naturally.  Honestly i couldn't have made it up!  there s only gong to be 13 months between them    All being well im going to have my hands full   .


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Wow Coweyes ! Thats crazy! I have heard of rebound fertility in the year after you give birth maybe its that?? Congratulations and hope you can get answers on the chromosone issue, did they do Nuchal fold measurements etc? 

Your news must take a lot of digesting and I can see the worries but its amazing too! 
Livity x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi Lively K


Yes its very crazy   .


Dont think they can tell from checking the nuchal fold, as my chromazone problem is not linked to DS..  So hope its all going to work out good.  xx


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Amazing news, Coweyes   Thrilled for you; as you say decision for #2 been made for you by your body   Will keep everything crossed for you for a healthy pregnancy and baby


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

mazu i know its nuts   .  When i started this thread i was already pregnant   .  Iv had the cvs tests done, just waiting for the results, hoping that it will all be ok. xx


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## Dandanxx (Jan 15, 2011)

Oh wow!! Congrats!! Wishing you a very healthy pregnancy x


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## juju81 (Nov 2, 2007)

Coweyes, I'm not offended with what you have written either.  Although I've had different experience then Livity K.  After having my little boy in March 2010 (after 8yrs of infertility) I convinced myself I couldn't go through treatment (or birth again). It stressed me out far too much and I was 100% happy with my little boy.  Like you I thought he was fine as an only child, we have a massive family and he would certainly not be lonely.  Only Last summer when my son was 2.5 I got the 'yearning' made worse by my DH deep wanting for another one.  So we started the ball rolling.  For various reasons (read my diary if you are really interested     ) it took until July to start.  Now this is where I'm different.  I found it just as hard as the first time.  I'd told myself before we started that it didnt matter if it didnt work as I had my little boy and never dreamed we'd have him.  Well, I stressed from the moment of insemination.  Horrifically stressful.  I'm now nearly 16wks pregnant though and so pleased and excited but I could not do that again and had it failed I would have seriously had to have had a serious chat with DH about trying more treatment.


Everyone is different with how they cope.  I would say like some of the others that it doesn't sound like you are no where near ready to try again.  You baby is still a baby.  Enjoy her, they are so much fun and it just gets better.  You'll know when you are ready to try again.    


Hope I've not rambled and confused you   


Xx


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## juju81 (Nov 2, 2007)

Oh bu**er, I must have missed a page   


Wow, congratulations! What a surprise.  That answers that question then 


When are you due?  Did you decide on the CVS?


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

juju81 ha ha yer.


Well just got my results from the cvs test the baby is healthy but a carrier so will only effect HIS fertility, thats right its a little baby boy.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

congratulations coweyes great news  .


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

thank you goldbunny, think we must be due exactly the same time, when is your due date?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

16th or 21st april depending. it started as 21 but spot measured a bit big at 12 weeks so they moved it up a bit. personally any time after april 2nd is fine by me (obviously avoiding april 1). since 21st is easter monday I imagine i'll have had it by the 17th, they probably want to keep the place tidy over the easter weekend.


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hooray hooray hooray! What fantastic news! 
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy
Livity


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

juju


Sorry i only read your second post not your first.  Congratulations on being pregnant, yer your right im not sure im ready   .  But im sure i will be fine.  Its a blessing and one i never belived would happen to me.


Goldbunny


Im also due on 21st April, yer they normally class it as your due month, 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after your due.  When i had my daughter i was 3 days late but i only had her then cos i had to be induced.  Carnt belive that im going to be going through 2 labours in just over a year.


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

coweyes, love that this post is still going... Still think of your story, this really is amazing. 

When do you get the results of your tests?xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

bambibaby 


I had the results this morning the baby is healthy but is a carrier like me.  So that means that only the fertility is effected.  Also its a little boy.   . xxx


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## juju81 (Nov 2, 2007)

Oh wow that is amazing news. Congratulations on a lovely little boy .  I love my boy 

I find out what I'm having Saturday. I'm due 12th April


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Awwh hunny I'm glad he's all healthy and your family is now complete, I'm guessing we won't get another post from you next year wondering whether to have another 
I guess the only consultation knowing about his fertility potentially being affected is that you know already and there aren't going to "hopefully" be years of heartbreak trying to investigate. Not sure I feel comfortable with that I've just typed so hope you know what I'm trying to say??xx


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