# Moving On...



## Laine

Our hope of conceiving our baby with the help of treatment has come to an end. Pregnancy has eluded us. We have spent 13 years trying to conceive and after numerous investigations, IUI/Clomid, we have decided to stop. 

Justin wants children but is happy to accept life without them. He tells me that he loves me no matter what and is happy for it to be the two of us together. 

For me it is not as straight forward. My life seems to have happened without me noticing it. I thought I was in control of everything, but now I realise that I am not and I wasn’t. Having a child is one area of my life that I haven’t been able to control. No matter how hard I have tried or what I have done, I have not been able to make this happen. The fact that our infertility is un-explained has made it even more difficult.

It just does not feel real. What I mean is that I cannot get it into my head that I may never be a mum. I just don’t feel like I am 40 years old and can’t imagine that time is against me more now than ever before. 

Although we are stepping off the if roller coaster, I will never give up hoping that one day we conceive naturally.

I have reached breaking point. I am so mentally and physically exhausted by it all, by the failure, by the treatment, by the counting, checking and hoping. I have decided it is now time to just let go. I have thought about this for some time and during the last month in particular it has been constantly on my mind. My emotions have been all over the place. I have felt scared about taking such a hard decision. I am sure the relief of taking it will come soon. At the moment, there are feelings of intense sadness and deep hurt in me and I have been crying so much.

The unfulfilled longing for a child has provoked some of the strongest and most intense emotions there are, feelings of loss or bereavement. However, unlike bereavement, there is not a recognised mourning period, no beginning, no end and a world that will forget because it cannot see. 

There comes a point where you have to put all your hope and faith into the rest of your life. I have decided that I have a choice and I choose life. 

Something good to have come from this is the wonderful, kind and supportive people I have met through Fertility Friends. You are all stars.


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## jan welshy

Laine I am sooo sorry to here this. you and Dh take some time together. you have been such a support for me throughout my tx. Take care love.
Love
Welshy and gangXXXXXX


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## Candy

Laine, you have been amazing, unwavering in your support to each and everyone of us and if anyone deserved to be a mum, its you.... I do believe in miracles and I pray to god that yours comes true naturally.

This must have been a very hard and heart renching decision to come to, i hope we can now support you as you come to terms with things, I guess you may feel differently in a few weeks or months, who knows what tommorow brings... but I think you are right to step off the rollercoaster to put your feet back on the ground and decide what direction you are going to take next, if you stick to the decision you have come to, we are here for you and i for one wish you every future happiness, we all love you very much

Candy x


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## Lilly

hi laine 

i am so sorry to read your post hun you are always here for us and we are here for you know hun when you need us most sending you a big  i wsih i was there to give you a  in person thinking of you hun

love always lilly xx


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## Mummytoone

Laine

As the others have already said, I am so sorry it has come to this.

You have always proved to be a tower of support to all of us here. You dont deserve this.

Please hold on to the dream that you may become a mummy as being unexplained can always mean that it just might happen one day. Try and remember this Laine.

You know Im sure that we are always here for you when you need us.

Thinking of you

Lou xxx


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## LB

Hi Laine

Hugs to you sweetheart.

I am with Lou on this one though - as IF is unexplained i am going to keep praying that you now get a natural miracle.

Thanks for all your support and i hope you stick with us - you have made a very brave decision and sometimes the time out does the world of good

take care Laine and don't stay away from us for too long

sending much luv
LB
X


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## tjmac

Laine,have posted on the rainbow thread but just wanted to say I am so sorry. I really hope that somehow you get that miracle, you truly deserve it !!
Lots of love Tj x x x


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## Gwyn

Dearest laine,

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you. I know what you mean, though mine is secondary infertility, I have come to the same conculsion after trying 11 years without success and heartbreak through drs and treatments. 

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind and caring support over the time I have been on FF. 

I am trying to wean myself off here but still keep coming back to check up on people every now and then.
Today was one of them and I am glad that I have got the chance to say a big thank you.

I hope that one day very soon that dream is yours. You deserve it so much.

Take care of yourself always.
Loadsa love
Gwynx


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## Sue MJ

Laine,

So sorry you've hit the end of the road with the IF rollercoaster.

I really hope that being 'unexplained' does manage to bring you a real miracle one day and hopeful without too much more hanging around.

Please don't ever lose hope.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## Jayne

Dear Laine 

I'm so very sorry that you are at this point of making such a painful and heartbreaking decision. I hope the 'relief' that you describe does indeed come to you soon, but above all, I hope that you do get your little miracle one day 

Love 

Jayne x


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## CazWhack

Dear Laine,

I just wanted to echo everyone else's words, especially Candy's, you have been such a support to all of us and if anyone deserves to be a mum it is you. I will pray for your miracle.

Take care of yourself and dh.

Luv Caz xxx


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## LizzyB

Oh Laine...i'm so sorry to hear this, more than anything i wanted this cycle to work and i'm so gutted for you. I wish i could make it better......i wish you your miracle, not least because you deserve it so much, but most of all i wish you happiness whatever the future holds for you. You face it so bravely Laine and yet this must be such a hard decision. I will always hope your dreams come true.....

You have such a good heart.......be happy hun,

With much love for you and Justin,

Lizzy xxx


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## sparkle

Hi Laine,

Already posted on clomid thread for you before i came on here.
I just want to say how sorry i am for you and justin, i hope that one day your little miracle will arrive, wishing you all the luck in the world for the future.

Take care love Alison D xxx


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## Monica

Laine -

I've just read your message, and I feel so sad for you. I haven't been posting on FF for very long, but I have noticed that you above anybody else have been so lovely and supportive for all the other girls here. 

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best for the future, whatever it may bring. You have a rock in Justin. Look after each other.

Monica xx


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## Pilchardcat

Dear Laine

Thinking of you....with love

Amanda xxx


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## Fee

Dear Laine

My heart aches for you xx
As everyone else has said, you have been a great source of strength, support and encouragement to all of us on FF. Always positive for others.
I know too how you have battled with dp, and yet have never given up and crawled into a corner wallowing in self-pity - I so admire you for that when I compare it to my own reactions.
You have made one of the most difficult decisions there is - but you are not ruling out hope - which is fantastic. 
I really hope you and Justin have some wonderful times ahead, just concentrating for now on the two of you - but as myMum said to me "somewhere there is a child who needs you - you need to discover where s/he is". That could be to parent, or as a special friend to children, but you have so much to give, Laine, I know that you will reach that happy place you long for

Heaps oflove

Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## ju

Laine, 

I think youve summed it all up and i hope that by writing what you have it will help you , you have great strenght of character and courage , youve spent so much time helping others like myself to get through the start of what could be a long journey...

Its strange too that ive heard some many of my friends say that once their friends have giving up trying conception happens....so who knows Laine, i hope this for you too

My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time...

I shall miss you , you have lots of heartfelt messages here which i know you will no doubt print off and read when you have tough times ahead.....

i know from what ive read you have a wonderfull dp which is great...

I wish you all the luck in the world

Who is gonna do our fairies?? who is gonna start the threads??

missing you already

Lots of lv n hugs

Ju x x


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## KarenM

Laine

I'm sorry to hear that you are getting off of the roller coaster. You have been a great source of strength for a number of people on here, please don't become a stranger.

I hope that once you have had time to accept your new path, whatever that may be that you will find the strength to come back on here.

Take care, thinking of you both

Love
Karen x


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## Dee

Dear Laine

I am sorry that the witch turned up again and ruined your dreams. I am so so sorry that this has made you make the decision to get off the rollercoaster of treatment to help you achieve your dream.

"Unexplained" is a horrible label to be branded with .. it's cruel and unfair in that it gives us no answers yet leaves us with some hope. Sometimes I feel that "unexplained hope" can be harder to deal with than having no hope at all. (I hope that makes sense).

I hope that you and Justin can put your dream to bed .... that you can build a happy and fufilling future for the two of you.
And I secretly hope, that when the "unexplained hope" you are left with ceases to be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think of at night .... just as you are building your future .... that then a real true miracle happens, your hope turns to reality and your reality to a dream coming true.

With much love and heaps of hugs
Dee
xxx


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## Lois

Dear Laine

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you very much at this difficult time..

I haven't spoken to you .......but you have always sent me messages of support when I've really need them & I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you have helped other people so much by being a true fertility friend.

I wish you peace & that taking a different approach will become meaningful.

Lots of Love & Hugs

Loisxxx


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## everhopeful

Dear Laine

My heart goes out to you. You have been such a caring and warm friend to many and you deserve your miracle.

May you stay strong and feel some relief from your decision. Here's hoping that nature will take it's course and deliver you your dream eventually.

Take care, and stay in touch

Thinking of you xx


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## *Kim*

Laine

I am so very sorry that you have had to make this decision. 
I hope and pray that you do receive your miracle dream.
Thinking of you

Love Kimx x x


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## Clare_S

Laine

I just want to wish you and Justin all the happiness you can find and make for yourselves now you are jumping off the IF rollercoaster. I hope that soon you will find that your smiles are true and your heart begins to fill with joy.

Make time to grieve for the baby that hasn't happened and the what might have beens. 

Don;t be a stranger

Clare


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## Helen1

Oh Laine
I still have hope for you my friend. I am sending you lots of hugs and I have IM'd you too
Lots of love
Helen1xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Guest

Dear Laine,

So sorry to hear that the wicked witch has arrived. It's a huge and brave decision to step off this rollercoaster, please take some time to look after yourself and your dh.

You have been so supportive in the short time I've been using FF, please take advantage of all the offers of support for yourself.

Take care sweetheart. 

AC (ali)


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## Nicky

Thinking of you both at this difficult time 

Love Nicky xxxxx


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## dollyzx

Dear Laine
Words seem so inadequate , just know that I am thinking of you & can so identify with your words 
Take care of yourself & Justin , hope you find peace wherever life takes you . Thankyou for all the support & encouragement you have given me over my time with ff
Love Dollyzx xx


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## carole

Laine and Justin ^cuddleup^

Carole

xxxxxxxx


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## aliso1

Laine and Justin

I have logged on today feeling a bit down in myself and I realised I had no reason too as what emotions and feelings you both are dealing with my problems fades into comparison.

You are a true fighter and friend to us all and I only hope the big man attends to your wishes. We are too "unexplained" and it is a terrible situation to be in so I can finally understand what the two of your are going through.

But I fully believe that we all have a purpose in life and I know that that is no consolation at the moment but you are both in my thoughts and I hope that one day not to soon we will all get our wishes granted.

Take care of you both


Alison


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## SueL

Laine, thinking of you. An incredibly hard decision, but remember all of us are here if you need us.

Many hugs.

Love Sue
xxxxxx


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## Indianna

Laine

I am absolutely devastated at hearing your sad news. 

Please don't leave the site forever, we are all here for you and you have made so many special friends who think the world of you.

Take care of yourself (and Justin) and I will see you real soon.
Love and hugs
Indianna xx


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## maxbabe

Dear Laine,

I am so sorry to hear your news, I can't imagine how hard the decision was to make. 

You have been so supportive to so many on this site, I hope we can somehow repay you over time!!!!

take care and look after yourself

much love to you both


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## Triciah

Laine.....the hardest decision you've ever had to make I bet. The pain in your heart will be around for a while...and may never fully go away....But I hope it eases enough to let you and your DH heal and cope.

Thinking of you alot. 

T
xxx


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## bethan_s

To truely wonderful person and her Husband

Reading your post bought tears to my eyes... You are so very brave and I really admire the strengh you have.
Words are inadequate, but just want you to know I am thinking of you and like many others can relate so much to what you have said. 

(((((((((Laine & Justin)))))))))))

Take care 
Lots of Love Kelly xx


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## Laine

Dear All,

You know your words are all very special and really touching to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I won't be leaving as I would miss my FF's too much!

Laine x


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## Lou F ❁

Laine I have only just spotted this thread sorry 

Like the others have all said u r truly a special person u have always been there for me, with a kind word or a solution to a problem.

I can only wish your dreams still happen for u, and i wish u and Justin a wonderful and fullfilled life no matter what.

take great care
lol
lou xxxx


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## Mummytoone

Laine I have IM'd you xxxxx


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## DawnJ

Laine

Making a decision like this is so very hard and takes a very strong couple to reach. 

Making the decision doesnt mean though that you are turning your back on the want and need to be a parent, just an acceptance that it isnt going to happen and allowing yourselves to try to enjoy the things in life which have probably been put on hold for so long. You will eventually find other rewards, but right now will appear non existent. Believe me, they are really there for when you are ready to see but at this painful time will feel that they just dont matter.

I know it is a cliche which many have told Pete and I. "When you stop trying, miracles do happen" How I could sock people in the face for this well meaning message but I am hoping that this is especially true as you are unexplained and I truly hope that this cliche will come true for you and your Dh.

Sweetie, you know I am there for you anytime and I so understand the bravery of your post. Just call me when you are ready to talk.

Much love

Dawn x


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## Juel

Dear Laine,

I'm so sorry that you've made this very hard decision....it's a tough call but i hope in time that you will see light at the end of the tunnel...it really is there,it just takes time to find it.

It took me ages to really be comfortable with our decision but i am now & can see positive things in life without children that i thought i'd never be able to see.
I still get very sad days,wanting to be a Mommy doesn't just go away but you learn to accept it & it does get easier i promise.

If you want to talk to someone in a similar position please get in touch,i'll do anything i can to help you through this......you have made a very brave decision but please be safe in the knowledge that you're not alone & there are loads of us on here to old your hand & offer reasurrance if you need it.

Take care Laine & hold onto the chance of a miracle...they do happen!!!!

luv n hugs 
juels xxx


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## LucyEgg

Laine

I was really sad to read the news that you have made the brave decision to stop treatment. I echo both Dawn and Juel's words that it does take time to come to terms with it, and although you may feel right now that you will always feel this pain, it does get better, slowly day by day. Again, as Juel said, there will always be good and less good days, and you never lose the desire for a child, but you do learn to channel energies elsewhere.

In time it will be a relief not to count the days, to stop yourself from doing something 'just in case'. Take one day at a time and be proud of getting through them! 

IM me if you want to chat. I know I don't visit the site much anymore, but I am always here if you need me.

Love and hugs
Lucy
xxx


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## mmmbop

wishing you a happy future full of your own magic,on the path life takes you,and hoping for a miracle for you both,
always here for you Laine,
keep in touch,
love
mmmbop,xxxxx


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## Rachel

Dear Laine

What a brave and courageous lady you are. You're post really touched my heart.

13 years is a long time for 'life to happen without you'. I was just saying to someone yesterday that I felt like my life was happening without me but that's after only almost 3 years. How it feels after 13 years of trying and being constantly disappointed I can only imagine.

You sound like you have a fantastic husband and I know that you can look forward to a wonderful future wherever it should take you.

Look after each other and keep praying for that miracle.

Love, Rachel xxxx


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## sophie

Dear Laine


I've only just seen this thread so sorry for the delay in posting.

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you've had to make this difficult decision. Your post is so brave and dignified. Wish I had a magic wand

Sending you bug hugs

S
xxxxx


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## Bettie

Hi Laine

I have only just discovered Fertility Friends partly because I am only just able to talk about my experience beyond my inner circle of friends and family. I too came off the rollercoaster nearly 18 months ago after trying for a baby for 5 years. I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have children which is the hardest thing to face but in order to move on I felt I had to face it. 

After my partner and i stopped trying our relationship fell a part. The pain and trauma that we experienced as a couple was too much to bear and i just wanted to leave it behind. I couldn't look at him without feeling and seeing that pain and loss again and again. So we seperated and even though i do love him, its a different love. We still share the same home but we have different lives and I am seeing someone else.

I don't know why I am saying this to you but I just think the hurdle of getting off the roller coaster is just the beginning. Putting treatment behind you is one thing, getting on with your life and trying to make it fullfilled in a different way is another. After 18 month I feel like I am getting there but I have had to make some drastic decisions based on my happiness. Although they seemed selfish to some people you only have one life and I am determined if that if children aren't going to be part of it then something else must replace that vaccuum.  

I think I have found that and am looking forward to happier future. You do come out the otherside but it takes time, a lot of pain and talking. I am also 40 but I feel now I have future and that my life once more has some meaning. Its taken me a long time but I am starting to enjoy life again. So don't lose hope..well done for making one of the hardest decisions, you are now half way there...and you'll get there and find happiness once more.


Best wishes

Bettie


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## cindyp

Laine

So sorry, I've only just seen this thread, I don't get as much time to visit the site as often as I used to.  

I feel for you so much.  I will be 42 in the new year and had been trying for nearly 9 years.  It's so difficult to get off the rollercoaster but you reach a point where you say enough is enough, I need to make some sense of my life.  

I know the pain that you have gone through and the depression, yet you have always provided support and comfort to others on the site.  I know it is not an easy decision that you have made and it will take time to fully come to terms with it.You are right that miracles can happen, during my tx I was always being told stories about women who had been trying for years and when they stopped they fell pg.  I hope that the two of you manage to find some happiness in whatever direction you choose to take.  

Take care.
love
Cindy


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