# Only Child - Is it such a bad thing?



## Clarebaby (Sep 15, 2009)

I have a beautiful healthy daughter who means the world to me, so much that I want her to have a sibling.  When we were struggling to conceive her, I always thought that one child would be enough.  But I believe it is an extension of my maternal instinct that means I am driven to provide a sibling for her to go through life with and share the worries when we are old and dying.  She has no cousins and so when she is old she won't have ANY family at all and this thought makes me so terribly terribly sad.

DH says I shouldn't worry as she will have own family by then and own friends, but that doesn't stop me worrying.  Having a sister myself (and although our relationship has not always been good) I can't imagine not having a sibling.  

But is it just one of those things that if you've never had you never miss  Guess I'm just looking for reassurance from 'only children' that it's ok.


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi there

I am an only child and so is my dh. Neither of us feel we have missed out on having siblings at all. As a child I sometimes wanted a sister but actually I loved being the only one and being showered with love, affection and time. It is very likely our ds will be an only child and I have few qualms about that as long as he grows up in a loving family with the social skills to make and keep friends. My parents were good at helping me mix with other children and I recall lots of holidays and trips out where I was allowed to bring a friend etc - this all helped! 
Being an only child seems unusual but honestly it is not so bad and contrary to popular belief we are not all spoilt brats! 
Love Crusoe x


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## Clarebaby (Sep 15, 2009)

Thanks Crusoe

That's just what I wanted to hear.

Best wishes


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I was an only child and sometimes wished I had a sister a few years older to 'pave the way' but in fact I think I probably gained more as I had my parents undivided attention, and on a practical level resources so I had a private education etc which probably wouldn't have been possible if there were more of us.  
My parents also encourage me to have friends over, go out, parties etc. I also have no cousins but I have some dear friends.  my fertility counsellor said that I have created my own familiy (of friends) and surrounded myself with support of my choice 
L x


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## BABY2 (Nov 28, 2007)

I too am an only child, and thought DD1 would be too as it was just her and I for a long time before I got married again (DD does have siblings from her fathers side though). I never had a problem with being an only child, some of the reasons mentioned above and also have a large circle of cousins etc, but now that I have had C, she will also grow up to be like "an only child" as her siblings are so much older than her (her stepbrother will be 21 this year  ). 

All my friends used to think I was lucky to be an only child and even now, some of them have issues with their siblings and not necessarily have good relationships with them, I guess my point is even if your gorgeous daughter did have siblings , it's not guaranteed they would be looking out for each other/have close bonds/ etc...


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## Clarebaby (Sep 15, 2009)

Thanks for your comments, I appreciate your response.


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

I'm also pleased to hear positive comments on being an only child - Thanks ladies .


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## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

I'm an only child to some extent (my dad has 3 other children but there is over 15yrs age gap and we didn't see them) and with very little family around too, my mums family live in Australia and dad not at all close to his so it was just me family wise most of the time. I don't think I missed out my parents did more with me than other parents with others, may be the financially only having the 1 child meant they could take me more places and to Australia etc as of course cost a lot more if more than just me.  My mum had trouble TTC me and know she tried for a sibling but lost one, but I don't feel I missed out.

On the other side I was quite determined before I found out I was going to have trouble TTC that I wasn't going to have an only child myself not sure why thou, may be just someone to play with etc not really sure. I have been luckily blessed with 2 children and would like a 3rd my maternal instinct hasn't given up.  They will be the only 2 children in both sides of the family as don't see my dads other children and there masses of children and DH has 1 sister who has no intension of having any children


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## daycj (May 11, 2004)

Hi.  I'm glad I found this post as this only child thing keeps me awake at night!  Before I was struck by IF I had always thought in my naiveity that I would have 2 children (ideally one girl and one boy!) and then then things didn't work out as I had planned!  

So....... when I was going through my treatment I always said that if it ever worked I would never ever go through it again.  My personal reasons were that it had occupied my every living thought and all my time and money and that if I was every blessed with a baby then it would be enough for me as I didn't want to miss out on bringing that child up by putting all my focus into another treatment cycle to get a sibling and miss out on my baby.  

My little darling is now nearly 4 years old and is the apple of my eye.  She is confident, extremely loving and has real empathy with people and situations.  If she sees a child upset or hurt she is the first one to check they are OK.  Life is getting much much easier for us now and there is a small part of me that thinks going back to a baby stage wouldn't be ideal and so for the most time I am "happy" with her being an only.  

The bit of me that aches for her is that yes she too will be on her own when we are old and decrepit although she does have 2 cousins she adores.  I feel so responsible for putting her in that situation but life hasn't dealt me the pack of cards I ordered.  

I swing from positivity on this and negativity on being an only on a daily basis.  DP is an only and he's very "normal"     .  My friend's mum who is also an only told me that she was brought up with so much love and affection that she always felt confident in herself and her abilities and her own strength that it was enough for her.  

I've just re-read this load of waffle I've written and it has helped me get things down. If I think back to 5 years ago when I thought I would have none then my little darling being an only pales into insignificance for me.

Thanks all for "listening".


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## Aenor (Jan 19, 2009)

I'm an only child too, and I honestly don't understand why OCs get such a negative press! (Yes parents can produce a spoiled, over-indulged only children, but that happens with multi-child families too.) People see advantages in having multiple children - and fair enough - but there are different advantages to being an only child. For example, I grew up very independent and self-reliant and confident which I think was a consequence of being an OC. Although I had plenty of friends as a child, I also spent a lot of time at home entertaining myself. Because of that, I'm self-sufficient and developed interests and abilities that have stayed with me for life. And it's not as though being an OC means you'll be socially isolated as an adult or a child. I hardly know my extended family but I've always been surrounded by plenty of close friends and I have a good relationship with my parents. Honestly, what's the problem!

Good luck with whatever you decide,
Ax


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## daycj (May 11, 2004)

Aenor.  I think the problem with being an only is in the main perceptions from socieyt as a whole around what that child will be like.  As you said - spoiled etc etc.  Often when I tell people Phoebe is my only one I get the whole - that's very selfish of you to have just one child routine to comments like Oh that's why you fuss her so much!  I don't feel the need to comment on other's parenting skills but the parents of onlies are often made to feel like we are failing!


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## Aenor (Jan 19, 2009)

Daycj - that would seriously annoy me!


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I am an only child. I never missed having siblings as a child. I was born after my parents were married 17 years and my mum had a lap and dye that finally resulted in me. She was 38 when she had me and was considered very old. I felt loved and adored by my parents and I had their full attention. I was not spoilt as many tried to imply. My parents gave me a strong work ethic and taught me to be independent.
My education was supported one on one with my mother and we were very very close. She was able to spend what little money they had on dancing classes and music lessons.
My parents got me some rescue cats - who I loved dearly, like siblings I suppose.

My mum has died and I found the being the only one hard then. Being the only one able to see/look after my Dad, and I live 60 miles from him is hard. I worry about what will happen in the future.

It is hard facing the reality that I do not have a family to turn to. I have my 3 aunt's sides of the family, but people have been dispersing gradually and we do not have much contact. My relationship with DH is rocky with the infertility stuff and I don't have a baby of my own. I worry about being totally alone and who will inherit what I leave in the long term.

Saying all of this - I will cope. I have friends who are close. One of my friends comes from South Africa and her family are there - I am an honorary Aunty to her children as she does not have family here for them.

There is also no guarantee that siblings will get on, that there won't be a feud or that they won't emmigrate. One cousin lives in America, my other cousin lives in Spain, my brother in law, sister in law and nephew live in Australia. They are not necessarily there for you even if you do have a sibling.

What I don't have I don't really miss, and I don't know how things would have been if there had been a sibling. Would my life have turned out the same? Who knows?


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## Clarebaby (Sep 15, 2009)

Hi Hazel

Sounds like you have been through a tough time, I really wish you luck in whatever you do next.

As you say, friendships are really important and we will do all we can to encourage our DD to meet lots of people and make the effort to hold on to those friends she really values.  It is hard to maintain friendships over time and distance but you have to work at it.

Take care of yourself


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

I was pleased to find this thread.

I have been struggling and actually feeling quite tearful about this recently.

I always wanted 2 or 3 children but circumstances didn't work out that way. I still just cannot believe my luck that I have got Alfie    .

I am on the waiting list for more treatment, but realistically I know I can't go ahead. I'm a single mum and I have struggled with being a parent ( although I love it too   ) because I had PND. I think it would be selfish for me to go ahead. My family would have to give lost of help and they have their own 'things' going on. Plus I cant afford another - including the treatment - and worry I'd be too ill/tired to look after Alfie properly too.

I worry about him being an only child. I guess because he also doesn't have a father so it really is just us. I can't seem to find a place in my mind that I feel comfortable with.

It helps very much to hear from the 'only children' on here    

xxx


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

It's so lovely to hear from grown up 'one and onlys'.


LL - I feel exactly the same about this as you do and have shed more than a few tears.  It's so so hard     


I have a few friends who are only children and they have been very reassuring that although they went through a phase of pestering for a sibling they would really rather have had a dog or a rabbit   
My mum works in a nursing home and has noticed how the older people without much family seem to have a far wider circle of caring friends and many more visitors   


Any more positive only stories are very much appreciated   .


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Upsy 



upsydaisy said:


> My mum works in a nursing home and has noticed how the older people without much family seem to have a far wider circle of caring friends and many more visitors


Thats probably so true 

Our children will have to be pseudo sublings


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

You can choose your friends - but you can't choose your family.

It is wonderful if they all get on and there is a big family bond and get togethers, but worse if you don't get on. And indifferent if people disperse and don't talk much.

My Dad hardly sees his sisters. One of his sisters fell out with my mum.

One of my mum's sisters went to live in Australia.

I have a friend whose husband and brother in law do not get on, so they can never have a Christmas with their mother together because of past arguments.


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Very true Hazel.  My dad hasn't seen his brother in years and can't stand his sister  


LL - E would love a pseudo sibling     


Upsy
xxx


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

LL and Upsy    am sooo with you.

I think that this generation will produce a lot of only children.  Like you LL it isn't they way I thought my life would turn out - but am truly truly grateful.

I have sisters who I'm close to and all my neices and nephews are close in age to DD - I just pray that she remains close to her cousins so they will be her substite siblings.

I haven't given up hope yet - but as my DD gets older I am very aware of the age gap widening.

I too will definitely be getting a pet - despite the fact that I am definitely not an animal lover    .

 

xx


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## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

So glad to see this thread! We have been ttc no 2 since our wonderful dd was 18months old and she is 5 in a few weeks. I used to battle with the guilt of not providing her with a sibling - but now I really feel I have come to terms with it. Luckily, she has never asked for siblings - she has a very active social life and sees a lot of her friends fighting with and moaning about their little brothers etc - and she loves spending time with us and getting all the attention. From my sig you can see we have been through a few ivf's - but we can't spend any more money on ivf and are giving ourselves 2 more iui's with steroids for nk cells as it is cheaper.  I feel absolutely no hope that these will work as at 39 the chances are very low - but this is what we decided to try and so we're sticking with it. I want to be able to tell dd when she grows up that we tried our best. I feel content as a mother to just have her - but it was so important for me to give her a sibling - but as the age gap widens, and her circle of friends widen, it does not seem such a big issue anymore. She is so loved - and I know when she grows up she'll have  her own family and close friends who can support her when we are old. The difference between having one child and none is so vast - getting pg on first try of iui with her seems even more of a miracle now and I am thankful every day that we have her. She is a happy, loved and contented little girl and that's what counts at the end of the day. I hope all of you that end up with one child can gain some peace with it and feel content. I used to go through hell thinking about it every day, but all of a sudden I came to terms with it. The feelings I went through were very much like grief - I suppose for the second child I would never have - I felt sad, then angry, and eventually I felt acceptance. Sorry for ranting - I think it has done me good - so thanks for listening!!


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## Clarebaby (Sep 15, 2009)

Thanks for that Rachel, really pleased that you have found peace.

I am giving everything one last go, including full immune treatment but by the end of the year we will be sorted one way or the other. 

Best wishes


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Rachel- Thank you so much for sharing that  It's really helpful to hear that you do come to accept your lot eventually. I've been struggling with the issue of DD probably being an only child for a while now (we are not having any more treatment, DH choice  ) Have been ttc naturally again pretty much since DD was born but as before nothing happening and I'm heading for 40 now so chances are pretty non-existent. As you say the difference between one and none is huge and I too count my blessings every day (but still find it hard not to grieve for the family I haven't been able to have   )

Clarebaby- thanks for posting initially and allowing others to share experiences. Wishing you all the best for your final go   

Thanks to everyone for sharing views  Although I am 1 of 4 I am much older than my siblings so have some understanding of what it is to be an only child (10, 13 & 18 years between us and it's only as adults that I've really had a relationship with them) I know that DD will be fine and I suppose my concern for her isn't really that at all and more my own struggle with only being a Mum to one   

Love to all
Maz x


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## joeyrella (May 13, 2009)

my husband is an only child and always says that he didn't miss what he didn't know.  he's grown up to be quite independent, happy in his own company and able to entertain himself with hobbies etc far better than i do.  i also think that now he has married me (one of three) he is part of a bigger family which means he won't end up on his own and he has the sisters and brothers he didn't have earlier on, albeit that they are in-laws.


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## mojitomummy (Jun 17, 2008)

Really interesting thread. Thank you everyone for posting.  My story is that we tried for a few years for a child and now we've been lucky to have one I've discovered DH really only wants one child and doesn't want to try for another (we can't get pregnant naturally so no chance of that). I'd have loved 2 or 3 children if it had all happened naturally and ideally wanted children really close in age.  So as part of trying to get my head round this thought I'd look on some other threads and found you. Thank you xx


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## Dukey2 (Aug 30, 2008)

hi i am so relieved to read your posts as i have felt so guilty about wanting a sibling for my boy, when at one point we didnt think we could have any. I am 42 and after 5 years of no contraception and 3 ivf i dont think we will get a natural miracle-but i am so upset at the thought that he will be an only child. I am coming to terms with it gradually and know our boy will have lots of friends and cousins surrounding him so he will never be lonely. I feel really selfish for wanting another child as i used to pray for one and i feel as tho i should be greatful and not want more. Did anyone else feel like this? Sorry for waffling-your post have made me feel better. Hugs Dukey2 x


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## Hayleigh (Apr 29, 2008)

What a lovely thread! Really interesting reading the replies and realising I'm ''Not alone'' Thats the greatest thing about FF....we never are hey?!    

I too am an only child, although I did have step sisters who would visit on week ends until I was 12 or so, so wasnt completely alone. I always remember really looking forward to the weekends and holidays too having someone to share this with. I must say, I have always been very independant and this I think has alot to do with being an only child. I did also have lots of cousins who lived very near by - they were invaluable   

My biggest fear is my lil boy being lonely - me having NO brothers or sisters (step sister lives a 4hr drive away) therefore NO cousins near by, and with us having a natural miracle almost nil worries me    Okay, DP has sisters and one has a DD and is expecting No2 in April. We are close, but could be closer.......I suppose theres my answer, I need to become closer with the family I 'do have' ? 

I dont know, I just look at his little face when we're around other children and he just LOVES it.....it fascinates him! I will of course live my life happily and forever grateful with my beautiful boy, but would love a sibling for him. He's beautiful, gorgeous and is OUR LIFE!     

Hayley xx


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## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

I have 2 LO's but family wise they are alone.  My parents were "older" when they had me, my dad has 3 others but not close to at all and they 20+ yrs older than me!!  They will have no cousins as only me and DH has 1 sister but she isn't likely to have any children.  It does make me sad a bit even thou they have each other that when others talk about cousins etc they have no one


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