# I am finally thinking I might actually smile again and be happy :)



## Guest

I tried to write a diary before but I didn't keep it up....... but I am gonna try again and hopefully this time it will be for keeps.

After 7 years of failed attempts at clomid, ivf and miscarriages my husband and I finally made that decision of 'no more heartache and sadness'.  We made the decision after my last miscarriage in May 2012 and investigations for recurrent miscarriages that we couldn't take any more.  We went on an amazing holiday to Sri Lanka in August 2012 where we were able to grieve and that was where we made our decision that we could still be a family and have a child, but our child would be through adoption.  I have to say the day we made that decision was the day the lights came back on in my life and I began to smile again.  A huge weight suddenly left me and I was able to start living finally and enjoying life!  No more 'what if's' and 'oh but I might be pregnant then so we can't do that'.  

As soon as I came back from holiday I made the initial call to 2 local authorities and we went to 2 information evenings and we decided to go through the Agency we are with now....and we haven't looked back!  We attended a Infertility and Loss day in February where we met 7 other like minded couples - one couple in particular have since become very good friends and we see each and speak regularly.  The Infertility and Loss day was eye opening and I have to say it was an opportunity for us to say goodbye to our birth child and acknowledge that we were going to be doing things slightly differently.  We then had our 3 day prep course at the end of February which was extremely tiring as they were 3 days in a row (we are the guinea pigs for the new timescales and new PAR) but we also found them informative and at times it opened our eyes to what we would be doing.  

On the 3rd day of Prep we were allocated our Social Worker and I have to say I am so so happy with her as she absolutely lovely....today was my last day of Home study and I will not be seeing her for a whole month!  Well she has become part of our furniture now and I never thought I would be saying this as initially I was apprehensive about having a stranger nosing into my life once a week for upto 3 hours at a time, but I am actually gonna miss her!         

Well we are now at the stage where she is off to write our PAR and all we have left to do until Panel which is booked for the 29th August 2013 is:

Medical (yikes - I am worried for 2 reasons - one is I have depression on my record for the time I suffered my miscarriages and the second worry is I am a worrier (can you tell!! hahaha) and my blood pressure is quite often high so I hope it plays ball on the day!  Thank God I have a lovely GP though 

References - my SW wants to go and speak to them now she has had their written references - yikes number 2 - something else to worry about!

Senior Practitioner to visit us and sign us off

A 1 on 1 session after our PAR has been written

We have to make a video of ourselves

And then PANEL - BIG BIG GULP!!!!!

Well I have to say I am still apprehensive and refuse to get excited 'just in case' something goes wrong between now and August!!  I tell you I can't wait to have that moment where I can breathe a sigh of relief and know I am 'APPROVED'!!!! And then it gets even harder hahaha but far more exciting I am sure.  I have 2 lovely mateys (you know who you are out there) who are on this journey too - one of which has been matched with a beautiful little boy and the other had her last day of HS the same day as me!!!!  How lucky am I - to have 2 dear friends to share this with.  I also have another friend who lives locally to me who is making the jump too - so I cross everything for her too!  I would not have got through any of these times without my FF'ers and I have a few besties out there on different stages too but I am so glad I have met them - again you know who you are!!!!!!

Anyway I am droning on now but I will write again when I have more news.

To all of you out there on your journeys too - I wish you lots of luck with yours too                 
A


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

You will be amazing honey I know it, you have nothing to worry about at all, you have the support of your friends  and those friends couldn't have got this far without your support too. 

Big big hugs xxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

How exciting PAR to get sorted and then you are done.   Congratulations x x


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## Guest

Thanks Emma and Gwyneth - you are gonna be a fab mummy Emma and I  wish you lots of luck with Prep Gwyneth xxx


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## Wyxie

It sounds like things are well on their way.  I'm sure if your SW had thought there was anything to cause concern she would have raised it during your home study.  Depression and infertility/miscarriage can often go hand in hand so as long as you've discussed it and have appropriate coping strategies and support it shouldn't be an issue.  Lots of people who've suffered from depression are approved to adopt.

Wishing you all the best and hoping 29 August comes around soon for you.  

Wyxie xx


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## Guest

Thanks wyxie.  It has been the most positive journey I have  taken since suffering with IF despite it being hugely stressful and worrying at times.  I just look forward to being matched and approved  xx


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## Sq9

Sounds like things are well on track.  I felt the same when we decided adoption was the way forward for us - it literally did feel like a massive weight had been taken away from me and we felt like we could enjoy our lives again. 29th August will be here before you know it and then you will be a step closer to your dreams coming true


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh no that is sad news, and doesn't sound to have been handled particularly well if it was out of the blue   It is totally natural to worry, we all want this so bad and after past heartbreak are bound to be wary. There was a horrible incident recently where a girl got a no at panel. It seemed totally unfair and thankfully she is now looking at a very promising second panel date after decision makers backing   We were all so upset for her. It happened 6 days before our approval panel. So equally to being devastated for her, selfishly I was worried for us. So then came the guilt etc etc. 

The thing is it shocks us as it is so rare. And yes we worry but a lot of this is irrational worry. If there are no obvious issues you will be fine. And if there are niggles look at them realistically and what you have in place to stop them becoming problems. I would also speak to your social worker just to make sure all is going as it should.

I'm sorry you are stressed, I can relate a lot with that feeling. I had a couple of hives outbreaks from the strain at times but you will get through. This process makes you live, breathe adoption. If you are like me then your brain won't shut off so relaxing doesn't work until I can see all will actually be ok. I would be honest and speak to your social worker and explain why you are worried. Obviously they won't be able to comment on the other couple but they hopefully can reassure you

Loads of   for you xxx


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## Sq9

x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

That's so upsetting my love I'm so sorry for her and I feel for you too. The selfish thoughts shouldn't make you feel bad it would be natural for any of us to panic and think about ourselves x x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

She really is huh   It is that thought that keeps us motivated to keep making steps forward.  I read this signature often... It will all be ok in the end, and if it is not ok then it is simply not the end  

(I can say all this, but totally still get mega worries and stresses, so not the best one to spout on  )


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## Guest

Medical Monday morning! Yikes! Then one to me Thursday with SW then hopefully signed off by senior.....am so scared about my medical  - god knows why but I guess it is because the SW said she has recommended us for approval depending on medical and one to one on Thursday so feel it is all resting on my medical! So near now I am almost touching panel.


So so so so nervous now!

Also wanna say good luck to my bestie on Tuesday - Staceyjayne - and my other bestie Emma who is there and living the dream now  

Hugs to everyone else xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am sure that the medical will be fine.  Good luck don't worry x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Your medical will be fine sweetheart you have nothing to worry about. 

You'll be at panel very very soon then before you know it you'll be a forever mummy. 

Lots of love xxxxxxxx


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## Guest

I think the medical went well    

I was embarrassed when I had to hand over me wee sample though - I like to think I am like the queen and don't produce any form of bodily fluids hahaha!!     

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad it all went well x x x x


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## Guest

I had my last home study visit yesterday - YAY! My one to one went well I think....I hope I sold my DH in the good light he is of course! 

Our lovely SW left us our completed PAR and it made both my DH and I cry (my DH doesn't normally shed tears either!) as it was so nice and lovely.  

So now all our medicals have been done and we are just waiting for the senior to come round and meet us.  Then PANEL!!! I can't believe we are nearly there.

We did go out and celebrate last night.   that we have had our medicals done and we have reached another milestone!

I feel so happy today  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Dudders

Fab news for you hunny - so exciting


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay fantastic news I'm so pleased. 

Big big hugs xxxxx


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## Guest

Thanks both!

Dudders - how are you getting on?  Long time no speak    

Emma - big hugs to you my lovely xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  please give lo a kiss from me too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Sq9

Great news!    . We've just had our last joint hs session today so just our individual ones to do, visit referees and write the report.  Sw said today that she has no worries at all about us getting through panel so feel like it might be time to start to get excited!! Have you got a date for panel? Xx


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## Guest

That is brilliant news Sq9  

It is a nice feeling when you can start to exhale and think it may just be ok!  Sounds like you are nearly there too - yay!!  Did they give you an idea of when Panel might be?  We have panel on the 29th August  and are booked in.  I am excited but reckon I will be pooping meself on the day hahahah!!

Are they writing to your refs or have they already done that?  I am so pleased for you anyway  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Sq9

All our referees have returned the forms, she just has to go and speak to them.  Panel date will depend on how quickly sw can get the par done - it will either be September or October I think.  We are working on October then we won't be disappointed.
Have a great weekend xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Fab news


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## Guest

Well I had a bit of a blow today   

My sw came round to go through the corrections we and made to our par and she broke the news our panel may bit be going ahead til the end of September.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard not to be fed up about it.  She was so sweet the way she broke the news to me.... And I do love my SW...I guess I just have to try and think it is another month with my DH before our lives change but I am so tired of waiting - I had enough of that when I was having fertility treatment and now i am back in limbo once more.  We are hoping some miracle panel member will be found now as it has been due to there not being enough panel members for our panel.  Gutting ...... But trying to keep smiling xxxxx


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## Dudders

Oh hunny, positive thoughts that it will come good.  How dare they not be available!!  Lots of


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Big hugs honey. 

Xxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry just wish we could ring panel members and explain what it means to us to have panel ASAP. Unfortunately with the August date it is probably that they are all on holiday   .   for a miracle offer for August x x x


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## Guest

Thanks everyone - it is so annoying as she tried to move us to the earlier panel but it is full  so I just hope the September one isn't full as well or we will be waiting til October which will really get to me. There was me thinking I was gonna be celebrating a week after my 37th Birthday - I am hoping we won't be waiting til my DH's Birthday now instead xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## crazyspaniel

Shame about your panel but on a positive note our ap was August last year and then absolutely nothing happened matching wise for weeks as sws all on hols! Hopefully by sept they'll be all raring to go!! Xx


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## Guest

Thank you for the positives everyone.  I adjust trying to be philosophical about it really - no point in getting down about it as there is nothing I can do xxxxxxx


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## Sq9

Think of it as an extra month to save for adoption leave and an extra month of going out for meals and things like that with your other half that might not be so easy to do soon


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## lynsbee

Hi, 
I hope you don't mind me popping by your diary. I have just had a quick read through and in many parts it felt like it could of been me writing it!
Me and DH are part way through our home study and our SW is hoping to get us booked into panel for start of Sept....trying not to get my hopes up as am aware the date she wants to try for is only 8 weeks away!!
Anyway just wanted to wish you good luck and hope they manage to get you into panel very soon xxx


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## Frangipanii

I have been lurking on here and wanted to wish you lots of luck with everything.  Dont worry it will soon be here!! Xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

September will be a lot more matching focused than August I am sure.  It's such a blow but you will be a mummy very soon I am sure x x


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