# BFN- how do you ever get over it?



## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

I really really thought my ICSI would work. I naively assumed that as there's nothing wrong with me (DP vasectomy) if 2 embroyos were put in my womb that at least one would make it. Nothing could ever have prepared me for the absolute devastation I felt today when first the hpt said no then it was confirmed by clinic this afternoon from blood test . I held out a little bit of hope till then and it was awful to hear someone actually tell me it hadn't worked.

I feel such a failure. Why couldn't I keep them safe? They were alive, I saw them on the screen. I didn't think it was possible to feel such utter sadness and I can't imagine life being normal again. 

How do you ever get over this? I'm now absolutely terrified of doing another cycle as there's no reason why that wouldn't end up the same way. I can't imagine a life without our own baby and it is so much harder that DP has had that wonderful experience twice with someone else. I've even found myself saying today that I wish there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't have children- this would be easier to deal with. I know you probably think that sounds weird but I can't face life with no children when I know there's nothing wrong with me.


Christine x


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## da1sy (Jun 30, 2007)

dear christine

I am so sorry - I know exactly where you are coming from tho - you are not alone.

My situation with my DH is the same he has 2 sons - then had vasectomy. 

Once you get the first tx you think this is the solution....then you get eggs/fertilization and lovely embies everything looks great and wham BFN.

You must not beat yourself up - it isn't your fault it didn't work - you had a 70% chance it wouldn't work - so you must accept that success in this game really doesn't come easy.

I felt exactly like you - but i went to see the counsellor at the clinic with DH and it really helped us both to accept it and to talk it thru. She helped me to see that so many women experience this despair and that I was perfectly normal to feel like i did. I thoght i was going mad at one stage and turning into a bitter horrible person.. She also helped DH to see that his total optimism wasn't realistic and didn't help me..

Anyway here i am after BFN no 2 - still nothing wrong with me or the embies - so we are going to try again - and after BFN 2 i didn't know if I could carry on with tx but within a week I was looking to how we can try again. and I have my back up plan now as i know I can't be here without being a mum so plan b is donor eggs and then plan c is to try to adopt...

Please be re-assured that the hormones are knocking you off balance for now and of course you are grieving too but that somehow you will cope with this.

sending you a big hug and hope that you get a BFP on tx 2

A xx


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## 11th hour (Feb 4, 2006)

hi christine,

i feel exactly the same as you. i have had some really deep crying bouts this week and feel in despair at times. i didnt expect that i would feel like this. praps it is the hormones and also the fact that MY BODY HURTS and i know ive given it a bashing and i have to get the wilpower up to do it all again and it may not work. i wish i could tae a bit of time off before the next one but becuase of my age i simply cant, if i take time off... its over for me.en plus,  i cant even grt a shag in the meantime in case a miracle happens while my ovaries are still stimulated.. i spose its like that for you with ur hubby's vasectomy. so i feel like i have to have the world's most expensive bonk done by a robot. as a woman, i feel pitifully useless and unsexy.

i had a horrible realisation this week that not only will i not have a child, i wont have a grandchild either. i dunno why that hurt so much but it did. one of those many tortuous thoughts...

anyway, how do we get over it? i guess you just eventually do... like everyone else on these boards.  We get over all disappointments in teh end. thats what humans do. 

i might start reading the moving onn accepting thread, not cos ive given up, but maybe there are some words of wisdom there to be had.


big hug


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Thanks for the support girls.
I feel like there is a massive hole in my world, I don't want to speak to anyone or see anyone. DP has his kids over tomorrow and I know I am going to find that so hard. Right now I can't imagine ever feeling happy again. I also can't feel happy when I read good news on my cycle buddies thread. Does this make me a complete bi*ch? I've just read 2 BFPs and just feel anger and such sadness. I'm a nice person. One of my close friends is also due to give birth any day now and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.


Christine x


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## da1sy (Jun 30, 2007)

Christine I'm afraid I've become a social recluse too and used to be the life and soul - It's just safer and less stressfull for me to stay away from social events where I might face questions on having children etc..

The main reason I went to counselling was because I felt I had changed and become this nasty, bitter, jealous person. Seeing other people's BFP's made me angry and sad, and news of a friends pregnancy made me run to the toilets at work and cry and wonder how she got to be pg as she's not a really great person... Anyway from counselling I found it is a very common thing to happen to us going thru this - in fact I'm not mad or special i'm just reacting like hundred's of other normal women going through this. Looks like you are reacting the same. Its ok you will be yourself again one day - just cut yourself some slack. You can feel sorry for yourself and jealousy is a human emotion that may not be positive but it is real.

11th hour - I am sorry you are dealing with this without someone to share it (tho at the best of times some men just don't get it anyway) and its definately what I would have done if I hadn't met DH (ironic i finally met the love of my life who wants a family with me but his vasectomy may mean no kids!). Anyway you have us and this forum and are not alone. I think the whole process has made me feel quite insecure about being sexy/attractive too - probably another thing a lot of women here feel too. I am sending you some warm and positive vibes    

I think you will both know what you want to do in a week or so - and things seem easier when you have a plan even when its plan b...

A xx


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## 02cindy (Nov 21, 2007)

Hi Christine,

I don't know how you get over it.  I have just done a negative BFN after my 4th attempt of IVF.  This was the 1st one using ds as they had said it may improve my chances.  However, still no success.  I just feel completely numb and devastasted and like you do not see my life without children.  My hubby has 3 children who I love dearly, but we want our own.  I spoke to the nurse this morning and suggested i|take a look on this site, so this is my 1st day, it already feels better knowning I am not alone.  I hope for all our sakes it gets easier.

My thoughts are with you.

take care.

02cindy


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