# Contact



## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

Bit of a rant I'm afraid.

We first found out about Little Red in June 2013, and she has been with us since Dec,  She has a very complicated family and we have had a number of conversations with her sw about contact.  We have always said we are open to letterbox contact.  At the planning meeting in Sept we discussed this and were told that as BM had not signed an agreement for letterbox contact it could not be set up, but they would try again to contact her.  At the review meeting last week everyone was happy for us to proceed with adoption order, but almost as an aside there was mention of contact with other (possible) siblings, there is an older sibling who has been adopted outside the family who we had agreed to letterbox with, and now it appears that there is potentially another sibling by Dad (although he denies paternity of Little Red) who has also been adopted.  SW proposed that we basically exchange phone numbers with both these adopters and arrange meet ups.  This does not feel at all comfortable, and seems totally at odds with all the caution advised previously.  SW has basically said 'sort it out yourselves', and we don't even know if they are all related!  Surely they should be involved in making contact with these people? Our SW is very unhappy about this situation but has not been in the office since the review meeting.
We love Little Red to bits and would not ever change her being with us, but we feel that we perhaps should delay putting in the order til this is sorted out.  Little Red's SW said we had agreed to contact in the plan and that was the legal doc that we must follow.  Has anyone else ever has anything like this?


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,
At 
Not quite the same but at one of our LAC reviews the IRO and Senior SW of placing authority wanted to give direct contact in this manner with older half sibs who are in FC but contact with birth family. Due to their ages we always said we were happy with contact via SWs but then it felt like a u-turn and we were expected to just get on with it.

We held our ground and now have what we agreed to originally. It might all work out fine in long run but I didn't want us left with a situation that was hard to reverse or cause major security issues for us. 

I'd keep things polite and open but gently stand your ground. Your SW should be supporting your position and push to maintain your wishes.

Good luck x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Stand your ground I totally agree with Gertie.  Has little red actually got an established  relationship with the birth siblings?  If not I would question whether direct contact is in little reds interest at all and just letter box is probably the best thing for all involved.  If they do have a relationship then it's a different matter. But I think it should be managed by SW's at least for the first few sessions so you and others can feel comfortable.  The other adopters are likely to feel exactly like you.  Also the children will need support and understanding if this is to work and SW's should provide this.  Your sw really needs to get this sorted.  

Good luck x


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

Thanks guys.  There are conflicting reports from BM about whether the birth siblings still within family are aware of Little Red, 2 of them may have met her once at birth but not since.  The other sibling who is adopted has never had contact with Little Red, they had contact with siblings prior to adoption  but I believe only letterbox was in the order and birth family have not signed up.  This child has a different father so has no connection to the other adopted child who possibly has the same dad as Little Red.
Our SW is being very supportive of us - its Little Red's sw who is proposing these things.  I agree if there is to be contact it needs to done via sw in first place.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

If little red doesn't have an established relationship then I honestly don't understand why direct contact is being suggested. Obviously this is a public forum and there may be reasons for this you can't mention but I would really ask for detailed information about why this is of benefit to your child.  It sounds very strange to me x x


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

I have to agree with whats already been said. Stand your ground and ensure contact is letterbox only. As DIY stated if there is no relationship to maintain with siblings I can't see who the contact would benefit, if anything it may be detrimental, not least of all to your mental health! 

It's good that your SW is behind you and hopefully on the grounds that this direct contact will not benefit little red or her siblings the childrens SW will see sense


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

DIY Diva said:


> If little red doesn't have an established relationship then I honestly don't understand why direct contact is being suggested.


I would say because they are related (though it does sound like one case is not so sure), and they may want to know each other when older. They will certainly want to know about each other. Would you like to have a sibling you have never met and know nothing about?

They will be asking questions and wondering when older. You may not find it's appropriate to have lots of meetings/much contact now, but you may end up regretting it if you shut the door on this now. We are in a very similar situation at the moment and I'm very sad to think that our little boy may have sibling(s) he never gets to meet.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Just to add to all that has been said, contact is only legal binding when a contact order is made -  a care plan is not legal binding on you.  Contact orders can be made when the adoption order is granted but are the exception rather than the norm so it should be resolved before you apply for adoption order


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Spouses I am saying this as someone who is going to have direct contact with siblings because it's in the interests of my children.  I would never advocate not telling a child about a sibling and letter box will establish understanding of each others lives and existence.  It also leaves the door open should the children want further contact when they are old enough to think about it more.  However at this stage having researched this a lot I am giving my honest advice and whilst I respect your opinion I find the way you've worded it quite hurtful and unkind. As you seem to be insinuating I wouldn't have a child's best interests at heart and would lie to them.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Brummig, I may have totally miss read your post and misunderstood it and I apologise if that the case but this  jumped out at me: 

Why do they need bm agreement in contact Arrangements? Little mans birth parents have failed to engage in any court or adoption procedure. I know for a fact They have never signed anything relating to contact as they are AWOL! Surely the contact agreement should be for the benefit of little red and that can be established without bm signature.

I also find it unacceptable that they have left if up to you to sort. We have met with siblings and that is now is arranged by us without ss but the first meeting needed that structure, organisation and 3rd person organising.

Perhaps I'm wrong but as you are entitled to post adoption support would delaying the order really be necessary? I don't think the order would have tht much impact on contact details because that is something that you can choose to ignore once little red is yours (I'm not suggesting that you do I'm just saying it isn't legally binding) 

Finally and I apologise for waffling but I have siblings I knew nothing about. I know it differs from individual to individual but aged 12 I had been brought up an only child when i discovered I had 4 half siblings that I had never met and knew nothing about. I did meet them once and have never met them since. Honestly, my life is missing nothing. I felt no bitterness towards my parents for not telling me, they had their reasons and while I may not agree with them I accept it was in my interest. We do have direct contact and letter box due a complicated situation and that while continue for as long as it is in my childs best interests. I realise that maybe adoption makes my situation irrelevant but not everyone has issues over missing siblings and familly members.

Adoption planet doesn't half make life complicated sometimes 
Xxx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

I agree with flash. You don't need signatures in order to write letters. None of bf for our 2 signed the agreement but we still write.

Direct contact is complicated. We have it with older sibling but they remember living with our son. On the other hand our son has no memories of them. It was set up with the older siblings best interests not our sons. Sw facilitated the initial meeting and after that we have arranged it. We have instigated all the meetings since then and are due another contact soon. As of yet we have had no contact from the other adopters and we are going to wait and see what happens. 

I don't think they want contact as it is awkward when we meet although it is done for their benefit.  It is a shame but we are not going to force something that could be damaging.


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

That's interesting. Little Red's sw has told us letterbox contact cannot be set up and without signed consent from the recipient or their guardian, and the only alternative she could suggest was we keep a memory box here and put the letters we write in it, in case anyone ever decides they want contact.  We did query the need for consent - we will again.  
I agree we shouldn't need to delay the order while we sort this out, but we've had a lot of problems with her agency and once the order has gone through I don't think we'll see them for dust!  We are still waiting for introductions expenses 3 months on!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

OOOOOOOO the joys of the world of ss! We received our expenses after we had put in our application order which was after our second review. He came home in June received them in November - so don't hold your breath lol.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

The agency we are dealing with sound l;ike Angels compared to what we could have got!

We got our expenses within a week of placement!  We also much prefer to see LO's SW for visits instead of our own, she even brought an EP to us last week to assist us with LO's violence, that wasn't in the contract we signed, they basically are more than happy to visit.

Ironically it has been our own SW who has mentioned us applying for an AO, not LO's.  We think it's so she can pass us over to the post-adoption team, which would probably suit us too when we have ironed out the difficulties.


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