# How to prevent fertility issues from taking over your life



## vhopeful

Just came back from the doctors and not had the best of news, my progest levels on day 21 were just 5 and DH SA was just 15m. So basically GP wants to repeat the tests again to make sure they are correct.  This is all good and well but the issue I have is that this stuff is all I seem to think about, supposed to be working now but I feel so emotional just can't focus on anything.
Just wondering what do people find helps take your mind off/distract yourself from all the tests/results/bad news etc... as I know we've only really started and I don't want work & relationships to suffer because of my moods.  
I know I need to be positive but just struggling with it at the moment.


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## jogger123

Poor Vhopeful!!

I am afraid i don't have any advice. I have HUGE mood swings and last month considered anti-depressants. I never actually got to the doctors though. The only thing I can say is that not every day is a bad day. Some days are good and some days are really bad. We are all here to listen to you and try and help you on your blue days. 

Work is sometimes the worst place to be as it gives you time to think and let your mind wander. I was crying in my work toilet just the other day!!

Feel free to send a personal message if you like!

Jogger123

x


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## MandyPandy

I'm so sorry to hear you're having problems.   

I'm afraid I can't help either.  It does tend to take over your life, especially when you are actually undergoing treatment.  I have exams in 7 weeks that are hugely difficult and massively important but I haven't even opened my books. I have 4 modules to study for and each one will take roughly 3 weeks full time to revise.  I can't seem to find the motivation to do any of it.  I just keep researching more and more about what could be the issue re: our IF. I'm not beating myself up about it.  If I fail my exams then I fail.  I've had some hugely difficult, life altering issues going on and they have just had to take precedence over everything else.

All I can say is make sure you keep the lines of communication open with people.  If they know what's going on and how you feel, they won't take your moods personally.  Also, I have found relaxation/self hypnosis CD's to be really helpful in dealing with the stress/anxiety of it all.


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## shortbutsosweet

Hi ladies, I have struggled and treatment hasn't started yet. My partner and I were hardly speaking not having sex and when we did speak I was accused of being miserable!  However, my partner and I have chatted a lot and things are better.We know have sex because were horny and not just hoping for conception (although it would be nicer than ICSI) All conversations are n o longer about Ivf treatment, when we do talk about I try to be positive or joke about things. Good luck ladies please feel free to pm me.


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## vhopeful

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences, I feel somewhat better already  
I guess I need to start looking at the positives in my life and stop beating myself up over my fertility issues as we are doing everything we can already.  
Just wondering do any of you guys meet up for drink/coffee/food as I would definitely be interested at some stage as it is good to hear what other people are going through.

Better get back to "work" and try to get something done!


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## MandyPandy

It is hard but I personally find that its 'better out than in'.  The more you talk about it, the less it builds up and the better you feel.  

There are meet ups every so often. 

Whereabouts are you based?


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## coweyes

Vhopeful


It is so difficult!  I think u just have to keep on trying and evaluating the situation.  Eg am i talking too much about it, are my moods too much.  While also realising that it is a very difficult situation and that your doing your best to cope with it.  Dont beat yourself up about it, you will not always get it right.


I dont want to be defined by the fact that i am struggling to have children so try hard not to define myself as that and only that (if you know what i mean).


Try not to get court up in feeling angry about it and angry with others, either for having children or for not understanding your situation, this will only make things worse and isolate you.  Try and take things how they are and except what you can not change. xx


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## MandyPandy

shortbutsosweet said:


> Hi ladies, I have struggled and treatment hasn't started yet. My partner and I were hardly speaking not having sex and when we did speak I was accused of being miserable! However, my partner and I have chatted a lot and things are better.We know have sex because were horny and not just hoping for conception (although it would be nicer than ICSI) All conversations are n o longer about Ivf treatment, when we do talk about I try to be positive or joke about things. Good luck ladies please feel free to pm me.


I have to say that when we first found out about our IF issues (Feb 2010), it put me off sex altogether. I have gradually come back around though and (I don't know if I should admit this) but last night we had a one night stand - no, no - nothing like that.  It was with me & DH. We went for dinner and had a few drinks then decided on the spur of the moment to grab a hotel room and stay there overnight. It was brilliant and is definitely a way to put some fun and lightheartedness back into our marriage. Our IF issues were discovered only 4 months after we got married, so we lost the whole of our first 'newlywed' year to the stress and anxiety of it all. I think we now owe it to ourselves to start trying to claw some of it back.

We've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how often we try BMS it is never going to work naturally so we've given up hoping for it (as it was just too painful every time AF arrived). We can now look on it as fun and have removed the pressure from ourselves. I'm not saying that will work for everyone though. The realisation and acceptance that you will never follow the path you dreamed for yourself is tough to reconcile with yourself and only time will allow that to happen. I'm just trying to look at is as though there is a fork in the road - one way is natural conception and the other is IVF. Unfortunately there's a 'road closed' sign on the natural road so there is no alternative but to take the other one and at least try to enjoy some of the scenery along the way (even though there are WAY more tunnels on this route).


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## coweyes

I totally agree with you mandypandy.  When we first found out about our fertility problems (also soon after we got married as well).  It became really confusing why we were having sex, it became quite distressing.  But after some time and as we found out we have more fertility issues i began to except that its very unlikely that i will get pg naturally.  


It does not distress me having periods as tbh i don't associate it with not being pg.  Fertility treatment is the only way we will get and maintain a pregnancy, that's just the way it is.  If i get pg through fertility treatment it will be as good as getting pg naturally.  xx


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## MandyPandy

coweyes said:


> I totally agree with you mandypandy. When we first found out about our fertility problems (also soon after we got married as well). It became really confusing why we were having sex, it became quite distressing. But after some time and as we found out we have more fertility issues i began to except that its very unlikely that i will get pg naturally.
> 
> It does not distress me having periods as tbh i don't associate it with not being pg. Fertility treatment is the only way we will get and maintain a pregnancy, that's just the way it is. *If i get pg through fertility treatment it will be as good as getting pg naturally. xx *


I like to think it will be much better. After all our hard work we will deserve to be smug and absolutely know that our children are WAY better than anyone else's who got pg naturally.


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## shortbutsosweet

Hi
If I get pregnant due to ivf I will be pregnant full stop. No one will know its ivf! Don't agree ivf pregnancy is more precious or special. A wanted chil is special!


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## MandyPandy

shortbutsosweet said:


> Hi
> If I pregnant due to ivf I will be pregnant full stop. No one will know its ivf! Don't agree ivf pregnancy is more precious or special. A wanted childis special!


 Sorry hun - I was only trying to make light of the situation. It's something that helps me cope. 

To _me_ (and I appreciate not everyone thinks the same way) IVF makes a child more special as it's the only way I'll ever have one - without it there will be no child for me, special or otherwise. Also knowing how hard I will have had to work to get there will be proof to the child that it was always wanted. It will never, ever doubt it's place in my heart. With this belief strongly held, it helps me to reconcile that IVF is a good thing and not something to be feared. xxx


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## coweyes

Shortbutsosweet.  Mandypandy was only joking.  I think the thing is when you have been through quite a bit of treatment that has failed you try and reason with yourself about it.  I always tell myself the harder i try for it the more i will appreciate it when i have got it! Not to say that others who fall pg easily dont appreciate it.  Its just that only i know how hard i have tried to get it and how close i came to never having it.  If that makes seance.  That of course is hypothetical as i dont have any children yet and stand a very real chance of never having one!


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## MandyPandy

coweyes said:


> Shortbutsosweet. Mandypandy was only joking. I think the thing is when you have been through quite a bit of treatment that has failed you try and reason with yourself about it. I always tell myself the harder i try for it the more i will appreciate it when i have got it! Not to say that others who fall pg easily dont appreciate it. Its just that only i know how hard i have tried to get it and how close i came to never having it. If that makes seance. That of course is hypothetical as i dont have any children yet and stand a very real chance of never having one!


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## jogger123

coweyes said:


> Shortbutsosweet. Mandypandy was only joking. I think the thing is when you have been through quite a bit of treatment that has failed you try and reason with yourself about it. I always tell myself the harder i try for it the more i will appreciate it when i have got it! Not to say that others who fall pg easily dont appreciate it. Its just that only i know how hard i have tried to get it and how close i came to never having it. If that makes seance. That of course is hypothetical as i dont have any children yet and stand a very real chance of never having one!


Coweyes, you have hit a nerve of mine, people who fall pg and don't appreciat it. Someone from our office had a baby last year, not planned, then left her DP when the girl was 2 months. She is now engaged to new boyfriend (all in less than a year!). she was in the office the other day telling the litle one to 'stop clinging to her' and 'just sit onthe ground', and not taking any interest in her, just interested in showing us her engagement ring! I was so mad i could have slapped her!

And she knew that it has been more than a year ttc for me! Fume.


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## vhopeful

Hey MandyPandy I'm based in SW London - clapham area. 

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and support & I hope all our dreams come true


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## shortbutsosweet

Guess I didn't get the joke 
Please do not quote my comments or assume what I feel!


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## coweyes

I think the bottom line of it is that all babies are precious regardless of anything, their our future and their creation is amazing, the same as any living thing.  Ooops getting a bit deep now  


Shortbutsosweet, i am glad that things have improved for you.  Its hard sometimes being on the same wave length as your partner.  I think as time goes by you start to find an even platto and things become less intense, even though things are still painful. Well thats what i have found anyway. xxx


Jogger Yer its soooo hard to comprehend why someone else does not appreciate something we want so badly.  I used to work with abused children and young adults, it makes me very say. xx


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## Petite One

Hello.

Mandypandy I like your idea of going to a hotel on the spur of the moment.  

I'm rather new to FF but have found that talking on here has been a great help as then I don't have to discuss infertility all the time with my husband.  We're also rather private about it and I think one needs to be careful who one shares this information with, e.g. work colleagues.

vhopeful - keep doing the things you like doing, e.g. hobbies, etc, or in fact find something new that may distract you.  Having a laugh with your partner is a good thing. We'll often watch comedy and just try to switch off from the ivf thoughts. Well we try...


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## MandyPandy

vhopeful said:


> Hey MandyPandy I'm based in SW London - clapham area.
> 
> Thanks for all the words of encouragement and support & I hope all our dreams come true


Oooh - then you're in luck. There are quite a few London meet ups. I'll see if I can find out details and report back.

xxx


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## MandyPandy

Petite One said:


> Hello.
> 
> Mandypandy I like your idea of going to a hotel on the spur of the moment.
> 
> I'm rather new to FF but have found that talking on here has been a great help as then I don't have to discuss infertility all the time with my husband. We're also rather private about it and I think one needs to be careful who one shares this information with, e.g. work colleagues.
> 
> vhopeful - keep doing the things you like doing, e.g. hobbies, etc, or in fact find something new that may distract you. Having a laugh with your partner is a good thing. We'll often watch comedy and just try to switch off from the ivf thoughts. Well we try...


 DH was quite keen on it too. 

It's the first time we've ever done anything like that and tbh, it's taken this long for us to get back to a happy place with it all so I'm really, really pleased we did it. I've had such a difficult time even talking about it so to do so feels like a lot of weight and pressure has been lifted. It's been a long road but I'm hoping this is the start of some healing on that front.

I absolutely agree with you about coming on here for support so that you don't have to talk about it with your DH. I know mine gets really upset sometimes because he just doesn't know what to do. He's powerless to help and men are generally such 'fixers' so for him he just wants to make it all right and in this situation, obviously he can't. By coming on here and talking with you wonderful people, I can speak to him when he gets home about his job, about what's for dinner, what's on TV or whatever other dramas have been occurring that day and he doesn't come home from a high pressured job to yet more pressure from me. This site is an absolute godsend!

Re: the 'happy thoughts' I heartily agree with you. When we first went to see a counsellor, he suggested that we each try to do one thing for the other on a rotating basis (i.e., he does something for me one week and I'll do something for him the following week). So we've come up with things like balloon flights, weekends away, picnics, going to comedy shows... we haven't done it as religiously as we were supposed to but it does help us remember why we got together in the first place.


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## MandyPandy

Here are two links to boards re: meetups:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=345.0

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=109.0

Depending on what clinic you go to, there are also clinic support boards where you can chat to other ladies who are going to the same place as you.


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## Petite One

MandyPandy that's great advice from the counsellor. Our first ever treatment is about to start end of June / beginning of July and the costs is already crippling us and i'm on the short protocol. So no balloon rides for us, but we watch free comedy on iplayer etc and I try to stop myself complaining all the time, about how long it's taken to make progress to get to treatment. It was my birthday this week  and I tried not to discuss infertility all day. I can't help but feel very sad & cross about it all though, as the warning signs were there but even now it seems there's nothing the NHS will do. 

It's been helpful to know so many of us are in the same boat, however I also like to a be a fixer for others and so it makes me upset to see how so many of us are struggling. You're right about husbands / partners being fixers. I was saying on another thread that as so many of us are dealing with infertility and the system seems against us, we should do more to fight our cause for NHS access. I love the NHS but I feel not being treated due to funding issues, etc really makes the pain of ivf even worse.

Yay to more sexy time  and yay to more support from all the FF's.


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## MandyPandy

Petite One said:


> MandyPandy that's great advice from the counsellor. Our first ever treatment is about to start end of June / beginning of July and the costs is already crippling us and i'm on the short protocol. So no balloon rides for us, but we watch free comedy on iplayer etc and I try to stop myself complaining all the time, about how long it's taken to make progress to get to treatment. It was my birthday this week  and I tried not to discuss infertility all day. I can't help but feel very sad & cross about it all though, as the warning signs were there but even now it seems there's nothing the NHS will do.
> 
> It's been helpful to know so many of us are in the same boat, however I also like to a be a fixer for others and so it makes me upset to see how so many of us are struggling. You're right about husbands / partners being fixers. I was saying on another thread that as so many of us are dealing with infertility and the system seems against us, we should do more to fight our cause for NHS access. I love the NHS but I feel not being treated due to funding issues, etc really makes the pain of ivf even worse.
> 
> Yay to more sexy time  and yay to more support from all the FF's.


If I'm honest, this is the same balloon flight we've been trying to go on since February last year. DH bought it as an anniversary present (of our first ever date) just after we found out about our IF issues. We've desperately tried to go on it ever since but each time it gets cancelled because of the weather. *sigh*

In terms of comedy - I'm not sure if you're in London or not but you can also apply to be part of TV audiences, which is free (we've done that a couple of times) and some comedians try out their material before going on tour for only £5 a head - both if you felt like going out for the night, of course. If not, watching stuff on iplayer is definitely the way forward. 

It's understandable you feel sad and cross. IF is compared over and over to the death of a close relative but with IF there is no one incident to focus our attention on. The emotions we feel are very real and it's not an easy road. We are all allowed to feel whatever emotions come to us - absolutely nothing is off limits.  That's why we're all here.  To listen and support each other.

Re: NHS, we didn't realise when we started that for some PCT's, if you have a go privately, you lose an NHS go. We wanted to start straight away so paid for one private go, only to find out afterwards we weren't entitled to NHS because we'd had a private treatment. We are very, very lucky that DH has managed to now get a job so we can afford a few more private goes. The NHS's criteria for funding is not great but it is so hard to work out what to do for the best. Cuts unfortunately have to be made - it's just such a shame that we're then made to suffer even more because of them.

Re: fixers, it's hard to reconcile but sometimes there are things that just can't be fixed, which is where acceptance plays a part (but I know that is not easy to come by!).

Anyway, I have my fingers and toes crossed for you that you'll only need the one go. SP is much kinder than the LP as well and it goes so much quicker so there's not all of that interminable waiting around for things to happen. Best of luck to you Petite One


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## coweyes

Meet ups would be good, any1 from Somerset?? Ha ha thought not.

The nhs funding thing is totally naff. I have had 2 icsi and one nat fet on the nhs. All failed, went to a different clinic to be told I have a chromazone issue so it would have never worked! It was privately that found it out! I struggle not to be angry with the nhs for not giving me that simple blood test before! Would have saved a lot of money and heart ache. I would also still have all my nhs funding. On well


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## Petite One

MandyPandy - bless you. Good luck to you and everyone on here too.  We've been to some cheap comedy nights here in sunny London, some good, some not so good, but I always say at least it's not me up there! 

My job involves making people feel better but chucks sometimes I just want to be made better myself.

Coweyes - it's annoying / frustrating when paid for treatment reveals issues that should have been free.

We should all do a fertility walk in London and then knock on No 10 with our placards, signatures, etc.   Quite a few of the MP's have gone through the loss of a child and I'm sure through infertility, so they should be more understanding.


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## MandyPandy

Petite One said:


> MandyPandy - bless you. Good luck to you and everyone on here too.  We've been to some cheap comedy nights here in sunny London, some good, some not so good, but I always say at least it's not me up there!
> 
> My job involves making people feel better but chucks sometimes I just want to be made better myself.
> 
> Coweyes - it's annoying / frustrating when paid for treatment reveals issues that should have been free.
> 
> We should all do a fertility walk in London and then knock on No 10 with our placards, signatures, etc.  Quite a few of the MP's have gone through the loss of a child and I'm sure through infertility, so they should be more understanding.


Sounds like a good idea.  I think David Milliband has suffered with IF issues and eventually adopted hasn't he? ...or do I have my Millibands mixed up.

Coweys - next time we head down to Somerset, I'll let you know to see if you're around.  We do head down that way a few times a year - it's far too beautiful not to go and it would be nice to have an extra reason to go. Also, I'm not sure if I have the right board but http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=528.0 might have some South West meet ups?


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## coweyes

Mandypandy yer def it would be really nice to meet up have coffee and cake.


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## mclou

hi, i really understand what you mean. my dh and i agreed not to talk about fertility for  a few weeks. it really did make a difference. i found it hard but it meant we had to talk about other things and it really helped make things in the bedroom better too. i think it is impossible to not think about it. i agree that it is so important to express how you both feel but also think it can become your whole world. we have started going to yoga and i really feel that helps. 
i also feel it is important to be aware of the people/things/relationships we have already. i,m not saying i find it easy but we have no choice but to try and be happy with whatever we are given in life

xxxxx


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