# Normal behavior or adoption related -Non-stop Moaning & Crying



## Gertie5050 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hello Ladies,

I know this subject has already been covered, but I just wanted to ask you lovely ladies your opinion.

Our DS was 14 mths old when he came home to us, at intros we saw a lovely happy baby and was told he rarely cries unless he needs feeding or nappy changes. Since about 2 wks in he has mostly done nothing but moan and cry, has lots of temper tantrums sometimes throwing himself on the floor, when we pick him up he arches his back and just screams, this has been going on for 18 wks now, we have checked with his FC and he never behaved this way with her, so we are wondering if this is normal behaviour for his age (now 18 mths) or is it adoption related. When he is good he is a lovely, affectionate child. We love him to bits but we can only count on one hand the good full days we have had since he has been home with us. My hubby goes back to work next wk after spending 19 wks at home with us so you can imagine I am dreading when I am at home alone with DS all day. 

thanking you lovely ladies in advance

Love Gertie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

My eldest  is like this and  i think  it's  a normal  behaviour  that is on steroids  and a million  times  more frequent  for many adopters. My eldest  initially  did it for  hours days at a time.  Now a year in she only  has  a  bad spell  if something  triggers  it. My youngest  has it in a reasonably  normal  way i think.  She tantrums  day to day like  2 year  olds  do but only does  a whole  morning  / day once every six to eight weeks.  Not days on end. 

I  think  at your stage  it's  really  hard because  they don't  find you fundamentally  comforting  because the relationship  isn't  long enough  established.  It's  really  hard to  stay cheerful  when you  are  doing  everything  right and it has no impact. I know  I've  been  therr. The thing  that kept me sane was refusing  to  beat myself  up over it. I was doing  my best our situation  was challenging  end of. I wasn't  perfect  you won't  be  were  human you'll  loose your temper like i did sometimes  just  move on from  this and resolve  to try and stay calm tomorrow.  Find what  helps playing  music helps me takes the edge off the whinging  noise. Also dancing  etc is a good distraction  for a young one. 

I also sing positive  songs when  I  feel I  am getting  really  riled.  None of your none adopter friends  will  have  dealt  with  something  similar in terms of intensity  or length  so don't  take their advice  over your gut. 

If he'll  accept it rocking  etc can work well. Have you  got a rocking  chair  or do it sat down i gave  myself  a serious  hip injury. However  neither  of  mine would  cope with rocking  or anything  commonly advised  for 8 + months so again  don't  blame yourself  if he won't  have  any of the traditional  comforts  i promise  this time next year  he will xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Excellent advice by Diva

I had very similar experience and we did lots of theraplay type activities, home life very quiet and not a lot of clubs and its paid dividends now as my boy is very loving and tactile (never was before at all).

It's hard but keep at it.

We're 2.5 years in now 
X


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Our LO was also 14 months when he moved in. An age where they are suddenly very aware and very perceptive of what is going on around them. A difficult time for change. We had 4 weeks of bliss, thinking this adoption thing was a doddle as we were blessed with a confident, care-free happy little chap. Then it all went a bit 'pete tong' after a month and we had a lot of crying, screaming, whining and really awful social anxiety. Some visits with friends or toddler groups would only last 5 min before I gave up and went home. It was a very lonely and upsetting time for me. I had so many ideas and ways to play and interact with him but he just wasn't interested and it was very disheartening and upsetting. The only way I could explain it was that I think he was just grieving for the loss of his foster carers who were amazing and he was really missing them. They were a big family with lots going on...and now suddenly he was alone with us...a quiet little family on the edge of a village. But we had to let him grieve and just be there for him as much as we could. I thought we had a good attachment but in hindsight, I don't think he totally trusted us at the time. He's 2 and a half now and much more settled and is very attached to us although we still do have a lot of social anxiety. This I am hoping will heal in time, as he confidence continues to grow.

Gertie179 and Diva have some good ideas here...music and nursery rhymes are a big hit, especially the ones involving touch like 'round and round the garden, this little piggy and incy-wincy spider'. Also, see if you can find his 'happy spot'.....my little one loves having the back of his head/hair/neck stroked. This always works when the anxiety is starting to kick off. 
One piece of advice which I really wished we had taken was to take them back a step when they move in. Let them be little babies for a bit. This helps them feel totally comfortable in your care without the pressure of dealing with their own development. I really, really wish we had done this. 

I'm babbling a bit now but I  guess what I'm trying to say is, never under-estimate the power of grief, even at this young age.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Our daughter went through a phase of back arching and near-constant whining/crying. It was SO hard because she wouldn't really let us comfort her. If I tried to hold her, she'd practically fling herself out of my arms with all the arching. The worst of it probably lasted 2 or 3 months and then eventually we all settled into our new routines and got more used to one another. 

I think what really helped us was when I started going in at night and lying with her and cuddling her (as this was the only time she was calm/settled enough to really let me without fighting it) and it really, really helped our bond. I was finding it difficult to love her, let alone like her, but that quiet, snuggly time was good for us both. We're so close now, though the one downside is that she does regularly wake in the night wanting cuddles! She's 2 now and does still have tantrums, but nothing like they used to be. I would say they're fairly 'normal' now, unless they involve food. She wanted some popcorn earlier and, when I said no, threw herself on the floor, SCREAMING like she was being tortured! But she's very confident socially now and we have loads of fun together usually


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Honestly, this shrieks grieving to me.  I think we understand very little about the process of grieving in young minds.  Keep going, you'll get there.  (((((hugs))))


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Focused on grieving a death, and not quite there on attachment, but still useful:-

http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping26.html&site_id=3

Another interesting resource:-

http://childgrief.org/howtohelp.htm

/Links


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

is there any way you can sling him? if he would tolerate it. if not a close type sling then perhaps a hiking backpack type of thing? great for attachment/bonding. sometimes being on your back and no direct eye contact makes it easier for them to accept love/food/smiles (our back pack had a little mirror and we would play peekaboo games..)
others have given great advice already just wanted to add that as an idea…
kj x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I am not a parent of an adopted child,but I read about the experiences. I have to say that Ally Ally said a very powerful sentence about not underestimating  the power of grief even at such a young age. I have a child of my own who is almost 11 months and he has become very active,responsive. He knows exactly  what he wants,likes and vice versa. I do expect that all of your babies and they Andre all older than mine,and re re very much aware of the people and environment. I do believe they were scared to bewith new people and iI wonder how.long they spent in orphanages before going to the foster families. 
As I said before,no experience  in thus matter, but.from.observing my child,your babies might like dancing,might.like sitting and playing in the grass on the blanket,let them play with water by letting them splash it with their hands, get them those soap bottles that produce bubbles when you blow at it (no idea what the name is). They will feel your love,sooner or later,just be patient. Sing to them,a lot - they love it!
Good luck and all the best!


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## Gertie5050 (Nov 25, 2011)

hello ladies,

I just wanted to send you all a big thank you for taking the time to reply, your thoughts and suggestions have been of great help to me. You have given me so many things to think about that I had never thought of before. I love my DS to the moon and back and realise how lucky we are to have found him.  

me and hubby have tried not to be so hard on ourselves and try and put ourselves In our DS shoes, so we are just taking each day at a time, there is no quick fix but with parenting there never is, but I know  when things get tough which they will do time and time again I will always have you lovely ladies to seek advise and comfort from

Gertie xx


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

Hi Gertie

I haven't checked in for a while so only just seen your post.  I hope things have improved a little generally and especially that you have managed ok with DH returning to work.

Our circumstances were different.  Our DD was 17 months when she arrived and we have a birth child who was 11.  Birth child has autism, and in school so we had quite a lot of structure to our days which I think helped her and me as the days didn't seem quite so long.  She did the school run in the pushchair from week 2.  While we didn't do lots of clubs we did do 2 which I think helped.  One was a toddler swim class, this is run by someone I know so I could find out about it before.  In the under 3s class its very relaxed, no pressure if they don't want to do something but they are encouraged and it was a small class.  There's lot of singing and rhymes, and obviously lots of close contact.  I appreciate its not right for everyone, but DD had gone swimming before with FCs, and we took her swimming with us several times to make sure she felt comfortable with us in water before we started.  She loved it, and so did, I think it was a great bonding thing for us, and had the benefit of getting us out of the house at a set time each week.  We also did a music and singing class so again lots of close contact as we did action songs together, tickling, cuddles etc.  They were both groups that we did very much together and helped develop that bond.

Hope things are going better.


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