# New girl, in need of major winge - sorry... ~



## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Well hello everyone! I have been following this site and all your amazing messages for a few weeks now and it has helped me through the traumas of our first IVF cycle more than you will ever know... so thank you! I don't feel alone any more. 

I've been too shy to post before now  but I'm glad to finally introduce myself as you all seem so lovely and supportive. I may be new to posting but we've been TTC for 5+ years and before that told not to as I had breast cancer at 28  . Anyway we've just finished our first go at IVF with blast transfer and I've had a roller coaster of a week after a low positive HCG blood test on day 15 of 31, followed by official BFP of 109 2 days later   followed by drop in HCG to 40 on Monday (and I got the call in the supermarket just to put the icing on the cake) and then today it was down to 24 so that's it for this cycle no hope left  .  

Doc seems to think it's a numbers game for us and if we just keep going we'll get there eventually, but that's easy for him to say. That's the fourth miscarriage for me. For the first time I am really wondering if I can do this any more. I'm sick of feeling so wretched all the time and such a failure. It's so, so hard watching friends etc have their first, second, third and even fourth children and we still haven't even started. I hate that I have turned into this madwoman   who is jealous of any woman with a nice big round belly and I actively now avoid weddings, christenings and family gatherings because I can no longer put the fixed grin on and pretend it's ok. It's no way to live, is it? And now I'm the grand old age of 38   it's hard to control the rising panic that more and more is against us. I never wanted to get to this age and not even have our first baby. 

I feel time is really running out for me and I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone of a similar age who can give me a bit of a boost, or others struggling with miscarriage and whether to carry on. Though hearing positive thoughts from any of you would be lovely!  

Phew, sorry for the rant. What an introduction! Thanks so much for listening to me go on...


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

and welcome to ff 

Glad you have decided to post  Boy have you had a rollercoster of a week! 

We have a trying again after loss thread that you might want to take a look at http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=86820.0

Have a look around the boards and introduce yourself 

love
suzie xx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Thanks for your amazingly speedy reply, Suzie! I will have a look around, thanks.
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Bandicoot-  I'm so sorry to hear about your losses and the emotional trauma that you are going through at the moment, life is so cruel sometimes. Welcome to FF.

I have had one m/c and just had an abandoned cycle (no embryos created!). Also 38!!! (darn biological clock ticking!!).

Why don't you come to the Pregnancy loss thread and you'll meet women in a similar experience. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0
Have you had any investigations for your m/c's- I had some immune tests and now know that I have raised Natural killer cell activity so on my next cycles I need steroids and Clexane to help. 
There are various links on the immune issues thread.http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=52.0

Take care of yourself. The feelings you have of others pregnant are so normal! It is so hard but we will get there one day.
L xx


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

Bandicoot

I like you have had several m/c's including a chemical pregnancy like yours after a DEIVF tx. I have been ttc for most of the last 20 years. (I had a short break due to divorce)

I have clexane, baby aspirin and prednisilone on my cycles and I went on to DEIVF as my eggs clearly werent of high enough quality to stick.

I am now 9 weeks pg with twins after our 2nd DEIVF tx.

Have a good talk with your consultant about what you can do different this time, possibly have immune tests too, and take pleanty of vitamins, and get your partner on them too. My Dh had so many vitamins that if you shook him he would rattle and he cut out alcohol completely (including iver Xmas which killed him) but it was all so worth it in the end.

Chris


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## Dots (Sep 25, 2006)

Hi Bandicoot - i totally relate to the emotional pain you are going through - I don't have anything useful to add except you are not alone 
with love Ox


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear L, thanks so much for the lovely reply, it's such a help to talk to someone my age battling all this! Firstly I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through, too. It must be soul destroying to have had an abandoned cycle. I really hope you have much better luck next time. It is very unfair.

Funnily enough this cycle was with a new doctor and some (ridiculously expensive  ) blood tests revealed I have a gene mutation clotting factor so I too have been on Clexane for the first time. They still say we are 'unexplained' because they can't say for sure the gene thing has caused the miscarriages, although they're pretty sure it would have been responsible for the first one as we got a bit further with that and the afterwards they were able to run tests on what they took away and there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Additionally I had no drug support as we didn't know about the clotting factor then. It's terribly hard to think there was probably nothing wrong with the poor little mite... 

Unfortunately the Clexane didn't make a difference this time round which is a bit gutting as we'd been pinning our hopes on it, but that's why our doc thinks it was probably chromosomal, as he put it: 'in view of your age'. Like I need a reminder!!

Thank you very much for the links and words of support. I have a smile and a warm glow for the first time in a while...  

Congratulations Chris on your wonderful news! That's fantastic after so long and never giving up, and very inspiring for me. I will keep everything crossed for you for a happy and healthy pregnancy. 

Yes, poor DH has also been on enforced vitamin programme for past few years and I've made him come off the booze in the past as well, but it seems he's doing his bit just fine and I'm the one that's the drama. I don't stim very well, they got seven eggs this time on very high dose (300) of Gonal F. But all seven eggs fertilised and DH was beating his chest with pride that day. However by blast day we were down to one, although they graded it AA. Makes it even harder that it didn't stick... Anyway I'd love to make it to two for next time to maximise our chances. Will see what doc suggests we can do to make that happen. Oh hope is very addictive, isn't it? Only a few days ago after our early BFP was turned to dust again I swore I wouldn't put myself through this any more... But as you say, and know, if it works it's all worth it in the end.  
Dear O,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel more uplifted today by you all than I have in a long time. Why did I wait so long to post?

I too am having acupuncture! Quite nice to have a needle stuck in that isn't just to draw more blood! Have you heard of Gerard Kite and his acupuncture clinic? Supposed to be doing amazing things for women struggling with infertility.

Best of luck to you.
Bxxx


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

Hi Bandicoot
Am really sorry to hear of your m/c's...it must be so hard for you. i really understand your feelings of despair that you have got to this age and you are still empty armed. i just turned 39 and have been trying for about 8 years. Essentially unexplained but now my fsh is 24 and AMH 0.3 which is pants basically. We have done 6 iui's (all BFN's) I have never had a sniff of a BFP so i dont think it is just the hormones. It is very depressing and yes, it's hard as hell to be happy for all of those around you who are having babies with such ease.
I have tried so many things now and acupuncture at the Gerad Kite clinic was one of them! I had approx 8 treatments before my ivf in November. It's a lovely place and I have nothing bad to say about the place. I was dissapointed that i wasnt able to be treated by Gerad (there is about a 4month waiting list before you can see him) The price is ridiculous (£85 a session for 45 minutes) adding my train fare to London it worked out £100 a go. Sadly, I didnt even get to egg collection as only produced one follicle with high dose stims so I knocked the acupuncture on the head. i probably should have carried on but really couldnt afford it. if you can afford it though, go for it! Alternatively there is plenty of good acupuncturists around.( at least half the price!) the type of acupuncture they use there is 5 element.
I know this is a bit of a depressing read but I still haven't given up! FF has been my lifeline.There is support in the barrel load and advice that could be the key between success or failure. You will find out SOOOO much on here that no Dr will ever bother to tell you. it becomes a bit of an obsession but you will pick up such a lot of knowledge, it's fab.
I am now on a supplement called DHEA which i have been taking for 3 months. It has been having some good success in the states for the older lady(!) with poor egg quality. I am giving it a go for 4 months (what the heck eh?) and trying IVF again in April. If that doesnt work it is back to the drawing board but its looking like i may have to go for Donor eggs.
i think your story actually sounds quite promising. Hopefully that the clexane will help in future. Keep the faith hun and i hope you will find plenty of help on here! good luck and lots of     for you!
love pobby xx


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

p.s sorry i just re-read and you say you are already having acupuncture..if you are happy with them i would just stay put to be honest! x


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## olly F (Mar 7, 2007)

Hello, just read your message and you say so many things that I feel too. I'm also 38 so feel that I'm on the last stages of the fertility journey. We've been ttc for 3.5 years and as far as i can tell, I've never got to the pregancy stage, so if my current IVF works, i don't actually think I will believe it.

When we trying naturally I would spend every month heading towards a spiral of despair when AF turned up. My counsellor said it was like a bereavement that keeps happening over and over again and it never goes away. Just accepting that fact helped a bit, in other words, it's ghastly, but there is no cure. Now we're doing IVF it's a different rollercoaster altogether, but now it feels out of my hands completely.  I have spent an awful lot of time hating pregant women, avoiding friends with babies and all I can say it, if it helps, do it. It's not a crime and it's only natural to feel like that. at the suggestion of my best (childless, 4 cats) friend, we got a rescue cat last year and he has made a difference.  he is definitely a baby substitute! Wishing you lots of luck in the future, take care. xxx


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Bandicoot,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your latest news 
and you definately deserve a good old winge!! That's the brilliant thing about this site everyone knows what you're going through and will happily provide a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on so please don't be shy.

Hopefully now that they know you've got a clotting factor problem the drs should be able to work out how to improve your chances next time round. After all you've been through I really hope you achieve your dream soon.

You're still a youngster compared to some of us so try not to get too hung up about your age    

Good luck,

Love CG xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

wow, thank you all so much for taking time to reply. What stories you all have. 

Pobby, the FSH result is totally pants, you're right. And I'm sorry acupuncture at the Gerad Kite clinic didn't make your dream come true. I guess for every high-profile success we get to read about there's an awful lot more for whom it doesn't work (like me!). I've never actually been there myself, just read about it. The reason being I'm actually living in Australia (though originally a Yorkshire girl with her heart still firmly at home) so the travelling would be a bit expensive!   I've tracked an old colleague of his down out here and that's who I'm seeing, though no luck so far... keep wondering whether I'd be better off keeping my money for something else (like chocolate) but hope something will tip the balance and make it work is very seductive and keeps me going back.

In case you're wondering why I would want to post on FF when I'm stuck on the other side of the world, well it's by far the best IF site around, nothing like it over here that I've found, and a good friend who's been through this put me onto it. It also kind of helps me feel nearer to home if that doesn't sound weird! Going through IF over here, at times the isolation has felt overwhelming. Got a bunch of flowers yesterday morning from my family back home after I told them I'm about to m/c again and it made me cry (again!). 

Pobby good luck on the DHEA, I really hope you see an improvement in your egg quality/stimming. It can happen so don't give up on your eggs yet! I was on the highest dose of Gonal F to date for the IVF cycle we've just had to try and rev up my poor ovaries as the first one was abandoned due to just one follicle. Anyway my new doctor seems to be guiding me through this with a bit more success (ie the cycle wasn't abandoned!) so that's something I guess. I had lost all faith in my own eggs with high FSH results and poor stimming but with a change of doc has come some renewed hope so hang on in there and give it the four months you've promised yourself. Maybe those eggs just need a bit more TLC. 

Olly, never give up on seeing that BFP as chances are you will get there. I never thought I would see one, just felt like I was going through the motions with trying as AF would always dutifully show up. And then three years ago it just didn't. I eventually did a test, still not believing it, and was totally stunned   to see a BFP. Keep the faith if you can that you'll get to see the BFP you deserve.

And so glad to hear your little rescue cat is being very obliging as a baby substitute! We have two dogs and we love them like they really are our kids, they are spoiled rotten (but love it, you want to see their smug faces) and I even tuck them into their bed at night under their nice blanket, though beleive me, in Australia that's totally unecessary...  . However I don't know where I'd be without them. At my lowest points their mad antics always make me laugh.

CG, it's not often these days I get called a youngster, especially in the IF stakes, so thank you for the boost!!

Big hugs and masses of luck to all of you - thank you for indulging me in my IF rant, I feel so much better now!
Bxxx


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

B

Thanks for sharing your story, so far.  I on my 5th pregnancy (only just over 5 weeks pregnant .... eeeekk!) and Ive been advised to keep trying and that that is likely to work - in the end, as Im 'unexplained'.  Its soul destroying isn't it, and Im proud that we've kept going.  I pray this one goes full term.  Im 40 now and cannot believe the nightmare Im in.  

You've done really well and hope like me you just keep trying and trying.    I did take the pressure off my self recently by looking in to surrogacy, so that if need be, maybe someone esle could carry my/my husband's child.

Bug hug
Sheena xxxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Sheena, thanks so much for your post. 'Unexplained' is so frustrating, isn't it? You've had such a rough ride and it is wonderful you are just over five weeks pregnant now, big big congratulations and I really hope you sail through this one. After all you've been through it shouldn't be too much to ask, should it?  You deserve this little one to stick and I really admire you for not giving up and keeping going. I seem to change my mind every five minutes about whether I've had enough and to wimp out or whether to keep going. Anyway I send you a big hug and all the luck in the world that it's fifth time lucky for you... 
Bxxx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Bandicoot


I must apoligise for not replying sooner  its been a busy week!

You have had and made some wonderful replies, 
I am sure your going to find FF is the boost you need, winge anytime you need OK, ther are members here who will laugh and cry with you, and just want you to succeed.
When I was reading your posts, I really understood your feelings for the m/c the hopes and 
of what to do for the best 

I am going to leave you a link to a thread in meeting places, they are only on part 2 so read back and join in
CLICK HERE

Wishing you Friendship  &   


We also have a great chatroom (check the index for themed chats)
It is often good to talk to people who understand what you are going through 

*Every Friday Night from 8pm to 9pm is NEWBIE NIGHT* Miss TC and Kate or I will be in there to help you use the chatroom, answer any questions, etc.

If you can't make it on Friday night, just send one of us a personal message and we will meet you in there at a prearranged time for a short "one2one" session to show you the ropes 

For more info on Newbie Night  
*CLICK HERE**



~Dizzi~


PS for part 1 of the link CLICK HERE*


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

B

How are you feeling today?  keeping head above water I hope.

Sheena xx


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

Hi again

Hope your'e doing o.k...great that you are finding the site the best around! There is quite a few that are abroad and am sure one of the girls is in Oz...it must be so hard to be thousands of miles away from your family    Are you there on a permanent basis? Know what you all mean about the fur babies being baby substitutes! My little fella is a rescue cat and i he is wonderful...love him to bits! (poor DP doesnt get a look in!) Keep going with that acupuncture...definately can't be doing you any harm!!
pobby xx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Hello everyone, sorry I went quiet for a few days. M/C finally arrived last Saturday and I got ghastly stomach bug at the same time which still hasn't totally cleared up, so it's been a vile few days. Still, being restricted to bed has given me plenty of time to think (and read about Liz Hurley's wedding in Hello - well, got to keep up with the gossip, haven't you  ) and while the thought of trying IVF again is already proving amazingly seductive, despite the heartache and frustration and tears over the outcome of this cycle, I really am wondering whether I've reached my limit with all this. I'm trying really hard to listen to what my gut instinct might be  telling me, rather than panicking and jumping straight back on the IF bandwagon again. 

The result of all this thinking is I'm concluding that my relationship with my DH is more important to me than endlessly and, maybe, hopelessly, persuing parenthood - and our relationship has really really suffered during this whole soul-destroying process, but he has been so wonderful and tender and attentive to me over the past few days. And I know I really punish him at times because there's nobody else I can take this out on. It's so horrible, But I love my DH dearly and we have two gorgeous smelly happy doggies and we are a close little family unit (ok, maybe a strange one) that I know so much happiness could return to if I could just let go of chasing the baby dream.

I've been told by my specialist that we have a pretty good chance of success if we just keep going, but I'm pretty scepitcal. After all, we've been together for 15 years and it hasn't happened yet - and I had to be a lot more fertile back then than I am now! Also, in this lottery we all have to endure, how many more miscarriages am I meant to handle as I wait to see if we hit the jackpot? Would I have any joy at all left in me by then? And how old would I be? Too old to cope with teenagers down the track  ? Oh it's all so hard, but I know you all know that only too well. I'll just try and be patient (definitely not one of my virtues), give myself time to recover from the m/c and see how I feel in a few weeks.

Pobby and Sheena, thanks for asking after me. Pobby it is hard being far away from my family and yes we did make a permanent move out to Oz a few years ago. The irony of IF treatment is that it is the reason I haven't been able to get back home more often. It's been three years now and it's driving me mad! And I promise you, you can have too much of a good thing ie sunshine and I crave cold evenings, dark and rain!! Maybe I am very odd...

Glad your lovely little rescue cat is being as pampered and loved as much as our doggies. Poor DH gets most upset when (he claims) I come home, walk straight past him and go kiss the poochies. Oops...

Dizzi thanks a million for the greeting (please don't apologise for the delayed reply; I've seen how many newbies have come along even since I joined!) and also for the link that I will certainly check out now that I'm starting to feel more human again.

Hope you are all ok. You have been in my thoughts even though I couldn't get near the computer for a few days. In fact I was especially touched to see the posts kept coming even though I wasn't posting. What a gorgeous bunch of girls you are. 

B xxxxx


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## ♥keepinghope♥ (Nov 28, 2006)

welcome to the site, this is the place to moan and winge as much as you like, everyone is in the same boat. im waiting to get my embroys transfered at the end of the month if all is well. its been a long road. 
i have had the green eyed monster  with all the preganant people. some i dont even know. both my best friends are expecting. and the town i stay in is small. there is around another 18 that i know. we just have to remember not to give up hope. good luck for future x


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