# Egg Sharing- help



## Carterg (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi everyone,


I am not sure how to approach what it is I want to say but I feel quite upset/angry by posts I have read. I have PCOS but I am still according to tests highly fertile but my Fiancee had a vasectomy so we are going for a reversal first and if this fails ICSI. We had a consultation about 2 years ago because we were not sure what our fertility options were.


We always liked the egg sharing scheme as it meant we would have the opportunity to help another couple who want to become parents who may not be able to have them without using eggs. I felt like this was a great gift and it really made us feel good. We have also discussed donating eggs as we do not want to have children before we are married but would love to help as many people as possible. Back to why I was upset- well I have read many posts written by egg recipients and most have a grateful and respectful attitude but some I have read seem to have appalling attitudes that seem to throw what I thought was a gift back in my face, I have read comments that suggest if a women is donating her eggs she will not be as dedicated to producing healthy eggs as she is not getting anything out of it.Other posts have seemed to suggest that they are trying to design a baby- whats the donors hair ,eye or skin color, weight, education and hobbies. I feel like all gratefulness and happiness at the opportunity to have a child has been replaced with the search for a perfect baby. 


I am not surprised that many people will not egg share or egg donate when you are analysed and judged like animals for sale. Sorry for the rant but I had to express how I feel.


Grace


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## incywincy (Nov 13, 2011)

Hi Grace,

I can't comment on the healthy eggs bit as I haven't seen anything like that said.  However, as someone who is hoping to egg share but is also recieving donor sperm, I can understand the interest in characteristics.  When you make a child with your partner, they are going to look like both of you.  If you are receiving donation, I think most people try to match it to themselves at least a little bit.  From my experience, recipients probably have a preference in mind, but will be flexible if what they are offered differs.  Personally, when asked about my sperm donor I indicated that I would prefer similar colouring to myself and my partner, but I know that if supplies are limited and the clinic offer me something that doesn't quite match, I will probably take it.

I don't know about learning education and hobbies of donors.  As an egg donor, I know my clinic isn't sharing that info with my potential recipients and I can't have that choice about my sperm donor.  I do know of other places where you can select sperm, for a price, with more info and some people find that important.  It's just about knowing a bit of your future child's background.  It's a big issue when considering using a donor, the idea that this child will have an unknown genetic background, that you won't be able to answer questions about their origins.  When you think about it, usually you choose who to have a child with by selecting a partner with characteristics that you like, with the unintentional (or subconscious) consequence that a child will have similar characteristics.  Using a donor removes this selection and it can be difficult to consider.

I think, when there's no or limited choice, recipients will take what's offered if it means they have the chance of a family, but I think it's only natural that if there's a selection available they would strive to pick a donor that most matched them.  It doesn't mean that recipients are ungrateful, far from it, they know it's a massive gift that some anonymous stranger is giving them.


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## dingle123 (Jun 16, 2010)

*incywincy* - just wanted to say as another same sex couple using donor sperm....I 'get' the interest in the character of the donor and also the reason behind donating.


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