# Hush little baby dont you cry ...............



## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hiya

I'm trying to giggle at this but at the same time there is a part of me crying inside.

I am on day 3 of AF, very heavy and painful, so hormones probably playing a part!! I saw my sister's two children yesterday (1 and 4).  I made cakes with the 4 year old, took them both to the park and had fun playing in the mud pretending to be Peppa Pig!  When I got home from the park my 1 year old niece was tired and wanted to cuddle up.  I snuggled her up to my chest and began rocking her back and forth, she let her body go floppy and I felt her melt into my chest.  About this time last year when I held her to my chest all I could feel was intense pain and grief, it was like being cut open without anaesthetic.  Lately when I hold her, it's a strange feeling but I will try to describe it.  It's almost like being a kangaroo and holding a baby joey in my pouch.  When I hold her it feels like she moulds into my heart .... it doesnt hurt like it used to ... it feels warm, loving, gentle, comforting, nurturing.  But also another feeling ... it is like I have been starving of hunger for years and when I hold her... I feel full up..... but I also have the feeling of not wanting to let her go.  I've felt this with my step grand-children too when they cuddle up to me .... an overwhelming feeling of love followed by me not wanting to ever let them go.  I worry about the feeling of not wanting to let them go, is this normal?  It is like a missing piece of the jigsaw inside me, when I feel the unconditional love of a child cuddling into me I feel complete, I feel normal, I feel maternal ..... then I remember that I wont ever give birth to my own child and the sadness returns.   

It's like it comes in cycles .. but with each cycle I know for sure that I am stronger.  with each cycle (usually my AF) I feel like I am letting go that bit more each time.  Until last night when I did something very strange!!!  My hubby and I had just gone to bed, he was exhausted and his eyes looked so sleepy and adorable.  He was lying on his side and I got this huge urge ... so I pulled his head to rest on my chest.  The next thing I noticed that I was shooshing him and patting his back like I had done with my niece earlier in the day     OMG!!!!  I was kissing the top of his head, patting his back and rocking his back and forth.  He was sooo exhausted that he didnt seem to notice and my shooshing put him to sleep    Once I noticed he was sleeping I continued shooshing him gently and patting his back .... I really thought I was losing the plot until the tears started falling down my cheeks and the intense sadness enveloped me.  The deep grief was rising from my belly, the tears were really silent ... which was good as hubby was snoring and dribbling on my chest .. he looked so adorable    I kept sensing my niece on my chest from earlier and then stroking my hubby's hair as he slept on my chest.  I kept willing him to stay asleep as I didnt quite know how I would explain it to him    Then I started singing gently to myself "Hush little baby dont you cry, mama's gonna sing you a lullaby".

I had a strange sense of calm come over me, I had thoughts of making a memory box for my baby that will never be.  I want to ask my mum to knit me a pair of mittens and bootees, I want to buy a first size baby grow, I want a first size baby nappy ... I want to gather things that I would have bought for my baby and wrap it up in a special box.  If we had been able to go ahead with treatment ... our baby would be 1 by now... we would be looking forward to our first christmas as a family.... I need to let my longed for little girl go.

OMG I have just read back what I have typed ... I sound nuts!!!! Honestly I'm not... am I? I'm blaming the hormones!!! Anyone else felt anything like this or am I indeed going a bit loopy??


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