# Husband having second thoughts



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Hi I am not sure if this will get any response but I have a serious concern.  We are mid way through our hs and last week I had a meltdown after SW left saying I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with a child with severe attachment issues / if I am good enough.  This made me feel sad for the birth child we will never have again and my husband was also very upset, we talked about stopping the adoption but decided to carry on and I have just finished a really good personal session with our SW.  However DH is not convinced he wants to continue and seems to be keen to go back to trying to concieve our own child. I think this maybe the first time he has properly faced up to and dealt with our infertility issues in a really honest way.  I want to carry on and think we can do this we just need to be honest with our limitations of the type of child we feel we can parent.  I have asked SW to introduce us to families who have adopted who can show us the positives as we are both tired of the negative stories and no positives.  I also wish I had never opened "the primal wound".  Does anyone have experience of a husband who is on the verge of totally changing their mind (he was more keen that me initially)?  I am so confused right now.  I want to do this but not to the detriment of my marriage.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Roonie,
Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I think there can be lots of times you have doubts through the adoption process - I know we did at times. The sadness of not having your own birth child is a complex road and only you and DH know if you need to try more before coming back to adoption. Don't feel bad about this if this is what you both feel. 

Being apprehensive/scared of what adoption brings is very normal. Again if you are both honest with each other as well as SW then the right match will present itself.

I think meeting other adopters (maybe join your local Adoption uk group), is a great idea. Personally it is all worth it. It's not to say its plain sailing but is parenthood ever?!?

Hope this helps and good luck on your journey.
X


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Roonie

This must be a really tough time for you so sending you  .

You will hear lots of negative stories, especially I am *told* on sites like Adoption UK, but that's because those with happy stories rarely come online to share their joy! It's a bit like people who ttc for ages and use forums religiously...then they fall pregnant and supposedly fall off the planet. They have their happy ending and they're too busy enjoying it to come online and talk about it. Most of us are on here because we've started our adoption journey and are looking for others doing the same, and you'll find lots of us who are now matched and placed who are very, very happy.

My story is a happy one. I am mum to a 14 month old DD whi has been with us for just under 3 months and have her brother, my DS, joining us in the next few weeks. My nieces are also adopted, and yes, the eldest did arrive with lots of issues aged 2 years old. But now, she is a thriving, happy, contented 4 year old. 

I think you have to be honest about what you can deal with. When we adopted some people thought you basically picked a child off the shelf warts and all and get lumbered with a nightmare and be grateful for it, but there is so much more to it than that. My DD was with a FC from birth and had a strong, secure attachment to her. She transferred to us easily and in adoption terms it's been every social worker's dream. We have no issues to speak of to be honest, it's just been a case of really bonding, and to be honest we are firmly and securely bonded now, I can really tell. She was carefully chosen for us by our SW who weeded out all the unsuitable matches. I strongly believe that the right children find the right parents. I know quite a few adopters now and their matches, whilst not always easy,really are perfect for them. The children often even look like their adoptive parents which always makes me smile, it's meant to be.

It's very normal for your husband to be wobbling; I think we all have at some stage. You do reach a point where you say goodbye to the biological child dream, but for me, it was a huge relief to stop yearning. Equally there is a grieving process to work through.

You can ask to take a break or slow things down. Maybe your DH needs a bit of thinking time to really know. There's no point doing it unless you're both 100% as adoption tests you in ways you cannot imagine until you're actually doing it, but if you both know it's for you, you work through those things.

I think even those on here with tough adoption stories will still say they don't regret it. Equally those like me with relatively unproblematic adoptions will still have days of 'I can't do this' which are further apart and only last moments now.

Be real with each other, but it sounds like you both need some time out to think about it...maybe ask you SW fir a couple of weeks off if she's planning to visit again soon.

Best of luck.

X


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Sw's need to give you the worst case scenario and some of those adoption books can be quite hard going and depressing. My lo has been with us for 9 months. He was removed from his birth family at 2 months and been with excellent foster carers before he came to us at 22 months. He bonded very quickly and so far our life is that of a normal family. If you look at these boards you will see there are many matches with very young children, often under one and often in fc since birth or shortly after. Older children who have been neglected and abused for years can have serious attachment difficulties and you need to be aware of this and all children will take time to bond with new parents.


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Gertie and Mummy Elf thank you so much for your touching and honest responses.  I am definitely going to follow up on meeting with adopters who now have children placed with them and shall have a look on adoption uk for our local 'groups'.  I have decided I am going to have a good chat with DH this evening when I get home from work and show him your responses as like you have said having a 'wobble' is natural and it is not a bad thing, we are just being honest which is what we need to be otherwise it is not fair on anyone.  I also have to agree wholeheartedly with you Gertie in regards to is any parenting easy - it is not and I have seen that first hand with friends with children, my sisters son etc -  it is not meant to be easy.  I actually said today to the SW I do find the process very hard at times but rightly so and in all honesty I believe if people had to go through similar before going ahead and trying to concieve I think a lot of couples would change their minds! 

Mummy Elf your story is really positive and you have really helped ease my mind that SW's are looking for the right match that we as parents will be 'good enough' to parent. I read an interview with Lisa Faulkner earlier (FeMAIL) about her hearing her tell her friend that she grew in her Tummy Mummys tummy but that she grew in her forever Mummys Heart - it melted me and made me want this so much. I know we have the love in our hearts, the patience and kindness to do this and inside I feel like I have finally found the right route for us to be a mummy and daddy, but if he is not on board the we will need to take a break and think again. 
Thanks again for your support. I have not posted on here in all the time we have been going through this but I will definitely make more time to do so as it is really really great to have your support xxxx


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Thanks Snap Dragon - I know older children can often have these severe attachment issues, but I think it was reading the primal wound that really scared me which says babies can be fine for several years and then present these issues later in their childhood. I know any child can present difficulties as the years pass but I do not want to feel as if I have ruined that childs life by adopting him / her and this particular books almost implies that this is what you are doing! 
Maybe I just am over thinking and slightly hormonal today!!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I've not read the primal wound but I know about it and as far as I'm concerned  its an unproven theory. Please don't let it put you off. You won't be ruining a child's life but giving them the chance of a much better life than they would have had with their BP's.


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

I am grateful for your support Snap Dragon - it is nice to hear from others who feel the same about some of these theories.  It is dangerous as it could really stop potential adopters coming forward. x
Just hope hubby can see past the negative with me and we can continue our journey xx


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi Roonie,

I just wanted to echo what Snapdragon said. I haven't read 'The Primal Wound' but I am aware of it, and have deliberately not read it. I agree that the SW needs to paint a worst case scenario to ensure that potential adopters are able to cope with problems etc, but there are some books that really don't help give a positive impression of all the good that adoption can do, in spite of all the issues that many of the children have, and from what I have seen 'The Primal Wound' is one such book. See if you can get hold of a more positive book and read that to remind yourself how much of a difference you can make to a child? Or just have a look about on FF at all the incredibly positive and successful stories there are? I know every time I read them it makes me all the more determined.  

I hope you and DH have a good chat.  

Twinkletoes.


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Roonie

I think it's natural for both parents to have wobbles, doubts, uncertainties during the adoption process.  I'm a single adopter and have conversations with myself (even now, after approval) where I ask myself "Will I cope?" "Is this the right thing for me? / for my child?"

I think it's natural to do so... as humans (and this may come as a shock!) we're not perfect, we can only do the very best we can in any given circumstance.  There are no super-mothers or super-fathers - only people who take it one day at a time, knowing that they have their child(ren)'s best interests at heart every minute.  

If your DH wasn't having doubts, or at least expressing his concerns to you, then that would be more worrying.  It sounds as though you are able to communicate with each other openly and honestly and in my humble opinion, that's a brilliant foundation for your journey as parents together. 

Deep breaths. Talk it through and listen to your instincts. xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think wobbles are normal and only you and DH can know if this is a normal wobble or a this isn't right for us wobble. 

The other thing I would add is that adoption can bring issues in later childhood but also in a number of cases it is hard to know if things would have happened regardless of adoption or not. 

My BIL and SIL are both university educated and  have my 3 nephews all of whom are on IEP's at school because they are behind not majorly but enough that it flags up as a concern. 

One of my brothers ended up in trouble a lot as a teen drinking, drugs, police a court case (way beyond the normal teen rebellion.) None of my other siblings behaved like this. Hand on heart if my brother or nephews were adopted this would be cited as the route of their issues because it's the obvious thing to blame. 

Don't for a second think that I am belittling any issues adopters face because I am not. What I am saying is that parenting involves risk as does all big decisions. I have got to a place where I kind of think - mine and DH's genes what makes them so superior that they would lead to a perfect child Answer nothing they are not. Obviously life choices in pregnancy, trauma, neglect etc mean there is a larger element of risk with adoption however a biological child isn't a perfect guarantee either. 

Good luck with what you decide and talking to DH tonight. I guess what I am saying is that wanting a perfect child is a separate issue to deciding whether you want an adopted child. We all hope our children however they find us will be 'perfect' however none are.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Roonie

Just to say I wouldn't touch the primal wound book! I read all the online reviews and went to bed seriously upset thinking our daughter would forever have a hole in her life - not so and hubby have me a realit check.

What I've seen again and again with adoptees is if they find out years later, they are devastated, but if they always know, it's often no big deal. We all have to face the fact that our children may well wish to meet their BPs one day, but to be honest, it's never going to be a 'Little Orphan Annie' set up where these wonderful parents have been ripped away from children through the cruelty of SS, even though that is the version the BPs like to believe....it's more often than not a tale of neglect and abuse. So whilst my LOs will know their full history when they're old enough and be drip fed it from a young age and may well wish to meet their BPs, the fantasy element just won't be there. Birth parents will not be kept a secret leading them to believe they're secretly a millionaire's love child!

Adoption isn't the easy route, but it is so special. If you do go ahead with this, I expect to hear back in a year or less with you telling us all about a wonderful match. When we first started the process little did we know our LO was newly born! I'm not pressuring you by the way! Your SW should be able to put you in touch with adopters to speak to in your local area. x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Just to add that some SWs recommend the primal wound - mine didn't. 
Good books that are valuable and realistic are:
Bruce perry - the boy raised by dogs (real life accounts of horrid situations and how good these kids can come on)
Holly van gulden - real parents real children (an adoptive & birth parent & physchology professor)
A child's journey through placement - Vera ? More SW text book but excellent at child development and the impact of things that can give rise to attatchment difficulties. Invaluable in helping you to know things for looking at matches & questions to ask.

Hope this helps and be mind to yourselves whilst going through this difficult time
X


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

roonie said:


> we just need to be honest with our limitations of the type of child we feel we can parent.


That's the key to all this Roonie  If you stick to what yourself and DH can manage and do not get swayed by what SW's say you can manage (only you truly know what you can manage), then you 'should' be ok. I say 'should' as it is ALL a gamble but you can take back some control by sticking to your match criteria ;-).

No regrets here  , even when sleep deprived ....!

I hope it works out for you. Feel free to PM if it will help?

X

PS. I would avoid The Primal Wound. It's hard core! You don't need to read it


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Good luck with whatever decision you make, Roonie.  As some of the other posters have said, the fact you and your husband have actually spoken about this and have such a good marriage you can be open about these things is so important.

Am so glad so many have you have said not to read that book.  I get preparing yourself for issues and trying to imagine what your child must feel like, but the tone of that theory appears to be that if you are adopted, you will always be irretrievably damaged, never truly happy and adoption is bad.  The end.  It makes me wonder what they are saying should happen to children who simply cannot live with their birth families?


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi


That was me not my dh before we adopted! I kept having doubts and just could not believe we may have a happy ending after all we had been through. But now so glad dh made me persevere, we also have a happy story. We adopted our ds at 10 months and he is now 3, he never ever had attachment issues, in fact not many issues at all! Aside from a little sleep depravation  we still can't believe how 'normal' he is, even in his first week with us he was always happy and smiling, just all seemed right. Now I know this is not always the case, but I guess we can be a little choosy with what issues we are prepared to take on, although there is always uncertainty.


Anyway we are glad we came down this route, and I even left my last embie perish as I did not want to go down the if route again, still gives me shivers! Now I am having a wobble as to whether to take on no 2  


Good luck, hope dh comes around xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

I'm sorry if I repeat anything already said, I've not had time to read all the replies.

What I want to say is this:

You do both have to be 100% commited to this once a child is involved, upto then its OK to have doubts and wobbles most people do at some point.  Already being half way through HS I would say to persevere and get through panel, at least then you will be approved.  If you then want to take some time out before getting any details of children through your SW should be fine with this.  If you stop the process now and then decide you want to go back in a couple of months they will question your commitment.

We have adopted 2 children from different birth families.  Our DS came at 27 months as an angry and confused little boy who hadn't experienced the best of care in FC, he was relinquished at 17 months having apparently had 'good enough' care.  4 years later, after teaching him to regulate etc, we are dealing with huge attachment issues due to a trauma being triggered by the death of a family member.  Thankfully we had some good years we can draw on to keep us going because life is very hard, has been for the past 9 months or so, and there are days when we wonder how much more we can take.  We love our DS to bits and because of that we continue each day to try to help him, we fight for support and therapy and we constantly try to reasure him that we love him, this is his home forever.  Every night I go to bed praying that tomorrow will be better, that we will see a slight shift in his turmoil and that for once he will believe something we say.  Our DD came home at 14 months and seeing the care she has received, compared to the care he had, has sparked huge jealousy in DS.  

I am posting this to explain how uncertain life is with adopted children.  Two events that were unavoidable (he'd asked for a sister for ages) triggered the memory of his early life experiences and as we explore this more it is evident his early life was less than good enough.  We are paying a very high emotional price for this and it is heartbreaking to see our DS suffering so much and not being able to trust that we will keep him safe and love him.  ALL adopted children will have suffered some trauma, loss and separation and this is why you BOTH have to be 100% commited to adopting.  When a child is placed life can be good for a long time but you have to be prepared for the uncertain future, you never know what is going to happen, what will trigger something even SS knew nothing or little about.  A child removed at birth isn't necessarily going to mean no attachment issues and they will certainly have gone through traumas that could resurface at any time.

I used to think Adoption UK was very negative but the reality is there are many many families that start off just fine and as children get to school age things start to show.  I wouldn't avoid AUK, I didn't, I used it as a way of preparing myself, taking on board what has or has worked for people and keeping an open mind to the knwoledge that one day I might be where they are.  At the moment we have SW and camhs involvement, we have a very angry, hurting little boy that nothing is working for and a toddler who is copying the horrendous behaviour because she thinks its normal.  BUT I LOVE MY CHILDREN and am strong with a strong relationship and we will get through this.  There are many families that don't and the couple either divorce or they disrupt a placement adding more trauma and loss to an already traumatised child. 

So, yes, its hard and you really do have to be honest about what you can deal with but you also need to bare in mind the uncertainties that life throws at you, no one can predict how things will work out and adopting is VERY different from having a birth child.

Good luck
OT x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think having doubts is good, it's healthy to have doubts.  But, as someone else who has a child very damaged by her early life experiences, I have to agree with Oldtimer, that you do need to be prepared for the possibility of long term problems even with children placed very young.

I think you can be selective in your matching process and massively improve your chances of having a child placed who will be right for you.  We simply didn't ask half the questions we should have done when we were matched with our daughter, and there was a huge amount we weren't told.  We also didn't really get accurate information from her SW or f/c.  In many ways I'm glad we didn't, because if we had we would have said no, we would never have had our daughter, and I love her more than I would have imagined I could love another person.  I simply can't imagine what life would be like without her, she is an incredible person.  But, it's tough, some days it's very tough.  We're making progress, but this can be fragile, and small things can upset that with little warning.

Our son has only been with us three months, and things appear to be going well all things considered.  His foster placement was excellent and he's adapting as well as could be expected given the massive change he's had.  But, there are questions over development in the longer term because of b/m's lifestyle during pregnancy, and that's something we have accepted.  With younger children in particular with a "straight forward" early life, i.e. straight from hospital to good foster placement to adopters, that is almost always going to be the case. 

We just don't know what the future holds, but we're a family, and we're together, and so I have to believe we'll work it out.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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