# affecting relationships



## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

I don't know where else to turn or what to do. I'm constantly towing with my husband and usually around the time he has to pick his children up. He already has two, I have 0. We have been trying since 2012, investigations since last year. 
I can't stop crying, and I am thinking things that should never enter a sane persons mind. 
I am becoming a person I never wanted to be, especially my angst towards my step children. I feel so evil - I can't even be in the same house as them!!! What's that all about, that's not me!!!! And my husband resents me for it. 
Please say I'm not alone. I am normally so bright And bubbly, but I'm someone I don't like at the minute. Should I confide my feelings to my GP?? 
I have confessed to my mum and husband and they just brush me off and say "it's normal." Is it really normal to feel so much hatred including towards myself?


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Rowing sorry**


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Talking to your GP and seeing if you can access some counseling sounds like a great idea. You need somebody besides family members to talk to, someone who's not invested in the outcome of your fertility journey.

Infertility's tough on relationships -- sorry you're having a rough patch right now.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

'Affecting relationships' is a trigger I rely on to know when to access help in improving my mental health. You deserve to feel better about yourself. Xx it is good that you recognise that and are considering seeing your GP. They can refer you to counselling or suggest medications. 

Please continue to post about how you feel;people are very kind here and many have had similar experiences. You will get through this!


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

You're not alone lovely.

Infertility can be especially cruel when your partner already has children  

We have a thread for step parents under coping with infertility.  There are lots of us who really do understand the difficulties and complex emotions that you're feeling.  It really does make you feel normal to talk to other step mums.  Life isn't Disney and there is no such thing as a wicked step mum in any case that I've seen here, just women trying to cope with exceptionally hard situations.

It can be very hard for other people to understand how you feel, they try but they just don't get the magnitude.  I love my steppies to bits but it has been the hardest journey, we can't just avoid painful situations like many others can.  After my final failed cycle, my steppies (completely unrelated as they didn't know anything) went through weeks of wanting to talk about nothing but their births.  It was heartbreaking and the our partners are often the only people that we need to talk to but are generally the most ill equipped to support us  

The best support that I found was with other women in the same situation.  For me, it did get easier, it is possible.  My husband and I went through hell for him to finally get it though, all I needed was him to understand.

Come and find us lovely xxx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Thank you. I wish I didn't feel so alone but I do.... I'll come find you all xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm on my laptop now, so here's the link: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=270035.440

xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

My partner has a young daughter and being an infertile stepmum hands down is the hardest part of this whole thing, I hate myself for how I feel, so please know you aren't alone, I had my first bfp last month and lost the baby this week so I'm scared how worse it will be next time he has her, he goes every other week for 3 days to a different city to have her at his mums, I don't know what's worse being alone whilst he has her or him having her in our house 

I really really feel for you I do 

L xxx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

For what you have just been through Lily I don't think I have any reason to moan. I really hope you find the best solution for you The next time he has her. But I truely don't think j would have her around me the next time. I just had a melt down last night and rambled it on here, I was selfish and completely forgot others are worse off. it's just last time I saw the kids, the boy told me his dad should be married to his mum, completely innocent but it has tormented me mentally. I have asked if he would have them away from me, and that caused the row Cause he wants me involved.

Hope you're as good as can be Lily. Xx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Don't ever apologise for ranting on here, I wasn't in any way saying it could be worse, it killed me before this from day one, I hate myself for how it makes me feel and it's scary to think how much worse it will likely be now after the loss

If you find any tips or coping strategies please tell me as its so so hard, never knew how hard it would be, luckily for me it's been more practical for him to have her away as I was banned from seeing her for first 18 months, and it's a long journey to bring her here but we have done it a few times and it usually ends up a disaster due to neither of us handling it well, first time she stayed here was after a failed cycle and at 5am she wanted to get in our bed as she sleeps with her dad sometimes at his mums, I said no could we have the bedroom just for us and she hardly knows me and he said I was treating her like she didn't belong and I could sleep on the sofa if I didn't like it, well you can imagine the kick off! He sees now how wrong he was, loads of things like that happened, like when I went to his mums him making me hide and duck down in the car incase his ex saw us, I wasn't the other woman and we were engaged at this point 

L xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Whoa Lilly    I have been there on the bedroom front, dh and I used to have terrible rows about my step daughter coming into our bed to sleep from the very beginning.  It is incredibly difficult, it is a natural thing for a parent (especially important for those who are separated from their kids too) but there are appropriate boundaries for the kids and safe space for us too.  A bed is not something that you should ever have to share, sad for our DH's but they are no longer in the relationship that would have welcomed a child in the bed.

Boundaries with the kids and the ex was the route of all rows with my DH, it was very rarely the kids (though the pain of seeing them and us struggling with infertility was immense).  It has taken us 5 years to get to where we are now, which is a really really happy place, we had to pull our relationship apart to get here to be honest though and completely start again.  I can barely imagine the fights that we had over dh wanting my steppies with us to receive our cycle results (the inevitable bfns) or when he left me every time that I needed him most, such as when I had an early miscarriage, because he didn't want to change access  

Separated parents just expect you to absorb into their current routines and situations, good or bad, because they are too afraid to change.  Change is so important though, it's what builds a strong family and gives the kids a fabulous home.

Lilly, I am so staggered hearing about your ban, that is utterly ridiculous.  Your dh is a responsible co-parent and who he chooses to see is up to him and he has 'vetted' you (as so many exes insist they should be involved in).  At the end of the day, it is so hard but you have to become a family in order to find peace yourself too. It is time that your steppie became part of your home and sees you as a permanent part of her life - not something that can be left behind.  It gets harder when they get older to make changes and so the sooner the better.  Though only if you're ready too  

It is hard, I read every step family book in the world though none dealt with the pain of infertility too, but it is possible to find happiness.  It just takes a lot of fights and time in my experience because we don't ever think to sort out boundaries and rules before we move in and then it all blows up.  

Thinking of you ladies.  Like you say mrsbarky, sometimes you just need to say out loud how you're feeling xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

He is loads better now,  I think he is embarrassed looking back, he also left me loads during key times, night of a failed cycle, day I was told I had POF, he even had access on my first EC and wouldnt change for fear of upsetting the ex so he asked could his DC come to Ec! I was gobsmacked, he said they could go the park outside whilst I was on the ward. How we stayed together through all this I will never know. I think he expecting me to struggle even more now but I'm gonna really try to surprise him, might have to come on here and rant a lot! Xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Sad isn't it but I could have written your post Lilly.  I think that our men just stumble on through hoping that absolutely nothing will change.  We're the easy upset and confrontation, I think they'd by far rather upset us than their ex, which is where it all goes wrong  

Can you imagine having children along for appointments.  Honestly, how can that be in their best interest never mind ours?

There was no way in the world that my DH could have ever found a way forward, so I did.  Not in a martyr kind of way, he hurt me so enormously by his actions that I took the bull by the horns so to speak and was absolutely determined to change things.  It was horrible but we had to deal with his fears and the control that his ex had.  It was not like he was happy with the situation, he was just to scared to change it and that actually made him a really bad husband and created a really unhappy home.  

Rows had to happen but they never really led us anywhere but around in circles.  Me changing my approach, exactly like you said, surprised him and actually started to change things.

Good luck to you, it's blooming difficult to change ways (our own included) but it is so worth it.  Rant away (come over to the step mums thread, as that's what we predominantly do in a safe environment where we all know that we're just ranting to get some head space)!

xx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

You won't believe how relieved I am that I'm not the only one. My husband treats me like I am an evil witch, because last night I told him I dont Want to be involved with them all the time as it's too hard. I've had all the set backs you've mentioned to ladies. "can you stop referring to her as the kids step mum" - woah hang on anarchy we're married!!!! 
This woman has 7 children and the grand old age of 25. She's a mess. She loves her kids and they do her too, but every weekend I feel like I faced with all of it and the fact that MY husband was the first to go there makes me sick. 
Our very first date he said to me "i'll always love her as she gave my my kids." 
"I'll never give me kids up for no woman" - this was after I asked if we could not have them one night so we could go a 50th birthday party. It was after a lot of drinks and he apologized but just left me feeling so disposable. 
Years down the line that is all very raw, especially when my fertility is screwed. Which I why I finally asked to have some time away from it last night. Now our bank holiday is ruined, I'm still moping and he's copying my emotions. What a waste of a day. I'm thinking of going the doctors. Maybe I need pills or counselling or something, because I don't want to be like this but I can not help it!!!! I just want to scream HELP!!!
Did you have any idea of your fertility issues before you got with your partners ladies xxx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Sorry for any random words thrown into that - my phone loves auto correct and making me look a t.i.t lol x


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Molly, I really hope I can be as strong as you, luckily he realised a lot of it himself and I know he is embarrassed but I always throw it back at him in arguments which I do need to try stop doing. I will never forgive him though, it's caused so much resentment! I'm also horrible to him when he goes away I tell myself I won't be but I always am, it's like I feel he is going back to his ex everytime he goes, I feel it in the pit of my stomach like jealousy and I know it's so wrong and I hate myself for it 

MrsBarky 

I think mine thinks  im a bitter infertile hag! And you know what even those 8 weeks I was pregnant it was no better, I think I naively thought it would lift some of the bitterness, it didn't. His ex has 3 kids to 3 men, she caught first time they tried apparently, she is 48 I think too so that's an extra kick in the teeth. I looked at counselling but couldn't afford it when I needed the money for ivf meds. I knew I had issues before we got together as had been persuing tests with an ex and they found out I had endo so I had I feeling I might need ivf but as we got together I got all the other results, tubal issues and POF, his baby was only Young and he was struggling not seeing her so used to spend all night staring at pics of her and watching videos repeatedly of her when I was with him and I was struggling getting my head round my infertility diagnosis, I look back and sometimes think I wish I knew how hard it would be as I might have not stayed with him. It kills me all the time xx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

I'be had the feeling something was wrong all my life. My mum has pcos and it took four years and doses of Clomid to conceive me. So I knew from that, then I got given an infection by an ex when I was young and that concealed my fate for me. 
I never ruled out getting with someone who had kids Because I hoped that it would take the pressure off me if they already had some. How wrong was I, not just because he wants the opportunity to raise a child properly as he never had it with the others, but also the longing in me too. 
How naive. 
Do you think it would eventually get easier if you do


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Sorry didn't finish - if you do have your own baby?
I worry that it won't. 

Wicked step mum....


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Remember the mantra, there is no such thing as a wicked step mum   it's just wicked story tellers who don't believe that it's ok to struggle.

I don't know, for me it it finally became easier when my dh stopped using the children as a coping mechanism and an excuse not to comfort, be a part and help when things went wrong.  He wasn't thinking of the kids best interest, he just absorbed into them so he didn't have to cope with our difficulties.  That made it harder for me  because our infertility was due to his vasectomy and drinking (another coping mechanism)

What you've both the had to cope  with is just unacceptable and we'd all be shocked and worried if a friend told us such stories wouldn't we?  This sums up most of the problems in step families, people with kids get remarried but then refuse to acknowledge that theyr've  created a new family by getting remarried.  The new family needs nurturing and protecting, it needs to grow and there will be new priorities.  That doesn't mean that the kids  are threatened or pushed out, it just means give and take sometimes on their part two - they forget or take advantage of the fact that we massively give and take for them.  This does need dealing with because it gets harder and harder to cope with and eventually forgive.

I never in a million years thought that I could get naturally pregnant at 41 but (for me) I think that a major part of it was sorting ourselves  out and finding that elusive balance.  The past will always be difficult for us but  of I didn't manage to move on then we wouldn't be together now.  Being pregnant (again for me) was the final resolution.  I am free from the crippling jealousy that I had of my DH's ex and her uber fertility  

It's a long journey lovelies.  There is a fab graph that shows the progress of step families and marriage, it starts with rose tintedness, goes through denial, realisation, conflict, depression and then up with acceptance, balance and resolution.  Some people never find those final stage but it's supposed to take at least 5 years if you  do (and are lucky). I think that throwing in infertility causes big whirlpools along the way and we just get stuck.

Its hard, you have to really want to stick at it and sadly force most of the resolutions to happen.  God knows, I wasn't so strong and positive last year.  Keep strong and talking xxx


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

MrsBarky you are absolutely not on your own,  a few months back I could've written your post, as could Molly, as could many of us here. It's truly awful how all this makes us feel and throwing step parent responsibilities into the mix makes it the hardest thing ever. And to add further hurt most of us then live with someone who, with the best will in the world, can't begin to imagine how we feel. How can they,  they already have what it is we desire so much it can threaten to break us physically and mentally. 

I was like you, naive thinking everything would slot into place and for a good time it worked. But then the 'feeling' I couldn't have kids was confirmed,  and the appalling wait for NHS treatment that followed damaged me big time, add to that nonsense from DH's ex and eventual histrionics from SD and the result is one very tired MissMayhem who is starting to feel more like the bad Disney stereotype than she ever thought possible!  I am absolutely of the belief that it will get better when we have our own, if for no other reason than even if there is continued nonsense when we have our own it will all matter that little bit less!

Our amazing Molly, wise words from you as always.  The showdown didn't happen,  DH had taken her visiting by  the time I got home.  And Lily, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, so,  so sad and cruel.   I'm with Molly in that you're an integral part of your partner's life and need to be involved,  it's appalling that you had to hide! That said though, I've recently been accused of all sorts by my SD who I have loved like my own tor the past seven years so if her mother is that bad then perhaps you're well off out of it! 

Minefield isn't it?! Sorry I can't offer much in the way of wisdom today, luckily we have our Molly for that!  All I will say is that it does get better,  the hurt and crying but you probably will need support with it. Tablets won't change the situation but may take the edge off things but counselling,  venting here and keeping YOU up there on your list of priorities will help. Huge hugs to you,  and for us al, it's a tough job! Xxx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Wow. Without sounding patronizing, that is the best thing anyone has said to me... you have all just put it so amazingly. 
I do worry what other people think. I know that everyone in my Shoes will understand. But I worry that if my DH was to speak to someone about it, that they would say I am in the wrong. I just hope we can find a happy medium. I'm sick of arguing every weekend especially on a Friday when I know I have to face them and I never know whether we will have hem for a few hours or the weekend, I always hope just a few hours. Horrendous when I know DH wants them for a lot longer than that and I can see how much it hurts him giving them back, he doesn't hide it xx


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Ideally there would be an arrangement in place MrsBarky as you should be able to make your own plans of a weekend, is there no chance of that happening?  Other people can say what they want but until they're in our shoes they can't even begin to imagine how hard it is, and that goes for step parenting as well as infertility!

I really feel your pain where arguments with your husband are concerned, I had mine go to sleep not talking to me last night after we argued over his daughter. We're supposed to be cycling soon which is typical as I've yet to have a happy stress free time going through one, there's always been something preventing me from just enjoying and being excited that I am actually doing something that may help me be a mother. Found out last night that my SD wants me and DH to get divorced yet still thinks I should be welcoming her in my house with open arms! I've spent all weekend organising her birthday present and trying to convince DH to let her have a friend up, oblivious to her true intentions toward me. Got him shouting at me then for being upset that he'd not told me, insisting that he did. Uhhh, no, if I'd known half of what she's said about me I really wouldn't have wasted my time trying to convince him and fretting about how to find the balance between her learning consequences and knowing that even though we don't like her behaviour we still love her. Sorry to hijack your post, justmneeded to vent and step parent post is very quiet these days! Xx


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## Sbarky15 (Oct 7, 2014)

Hijack away - How old is your SD?
It's so hard when the children are negative towards you. Mine in general aren't, which makes me feel worse. But little comments like "my dad isn't married to you - he is to my mum" stick in my head. Amongst many others of course. Yeah I normally do try and conveniently have plans on a Friday, but its hard as we only have one car at the minute for start, and tbh if I do, I get the funny looks from my hubby as he knows the real reasons I am making plans. So I cant win. Very mixed emotions for this weekend as hubby is working. So yayyy no SC but booo no hubby 

Hope you're all ok xxx


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

From all of your and my own experience,  I think women shouldn't get married or plan a family with a man who has kids with problematic exes.
my husband was married for 20 years and all the time they were fighting, separating, getting back. ..he has a fertility issue, but they managed to get 2 kids naturally and one via iui. Finally  they got divorced and 4 years after,  he met me. And what to tell you- i am treated as if I broke their marriage. My husband didn't allow them certain  behaviour, but did allow them to enter our room (ages at that time 19, 11, .The oldest never fid, but 2 others yes. When I told the boy it wasn't polite, he told me he was in his mum's  room often.so, when he told me that, I didn't mention it again because to me, the answer was innocent and seemed right. At the same time, I put myself in my husband's shoes, so I didn't want to create an issue. Then, his ex started creating  problems by using kids, starting with telling them not to greet me, not to go out with us if we were going. I kept silent. My husband  was just in this. He was like "you want to come, ok. You don't want,  also ok". As for our own kids, it took us time. I had bnfs,  mc, 2 chemicals. ...to be honest, i wasn't seeing where I was heading plus, I was not even in my country. Then, a huge turnover to the negative  happened.  My mum came, a lady in her 60s.  The kids saw her. Because  my mum was coming from a different country, she was planning to stay a bit longer.in the m8 of her stay, I had to travel to the UK.  His kids came, at thst time22, 14 and 12 years old. They were very nasty. TTheir mum travelled and they came to stay in our house. They were misbehaving to the level that my husband told them to leave the house. They didn't want, but he pushed them. All of this happened because  their mum thoughtI was uundergoing  treatment, so she wanted to lessen my chances.  From that time, I don't speak to them, if I see them anywhere,  I ignore them, even in front of other family members.  Everybody knows jhow their mother is.i got a baby a year ago. You should see their jealousy.  The day I have birth, they started sending their baby photos. Pathetic!  Now they keep in touch with my husband more than ever. I'm  sure it is not love, but they are afraid to be excluded from his will. Before, months used to pass for them to call him. Now the oldest one, 24 and ec pectin,  keeps in touch  almost daily. I'm at the moment in the UK, but I once we go back, I will have to be careful for them not to hurt my child (hopefully  children) even slightly because they are not happy with this child existence.God forbid thst happens, i woyld go accordi6to "an eyefor an eye", wouldnt esit for mybhudband, so whatever happens.my husband  went back a few weeks ago and they came to.him on the same day. When they didn't see me, they started  interrogating my domestic  keeper why I didn't come. They are afraid I might be pregnant  again.


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