# I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO



## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

I'm feeling so low today. I have had 12 months of Clomid now with Metformin and HCG injections towards the end and have decided of my own accord (aswell as DP) to give up ttc for a little while as the Cons has given me another 3 months of Clomid to take(which i'm not taking)

I so want my mirricle baby, but i thought that giving up for a while would do me a little bit of good. I don't however think it is because i can't stop thinking about babies. I thought i was a coward giving up, but now i don't know what to do  

Has anyone else been through a similar situation because now i don't know whether to start the clomid again next cycle as i am feeling so hurt and anxious. My counsellor who i have just been to see thinks that i will know best and what my body tells me, but she is also thinking about putting me in hospital because she is worried about my mental state. I don't know who to turn to 

Melanie


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## fertilethoughts (May 20, 2005)

Hi Melanie,

A Big Hug to you . Its not giving up if you are needing time out to handle all the heartache and hurt you are feeling about what you have been through and the options you need to consider to make your goal a reality. Our mental state is also a sign of what is going on inside our bodies. You need to have a great councillor who can suport you and preferably someone who knows about sub-fertility issues. I think you are right to take a break from the drugs and get yourself healthy- mind and body. Be kind to yourself.

xx fertilethoughts


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Hi fertilethoughts and thank you for the quick reply. Unfortunetely i haven't got a counsellor for sub fertility issues. She is just one through my doctors surgery. I have been to see a physciatrist and on a waiting list now to see a clinical nurse physcologist. I am also on Prozac and Valium to calm me down at the moment. I just feel awful as i have been off work now for 2 1/2 months and i wish i could get my life back in order. I just feel so empty and at times i want to give up on myself as well. It's really difficult for me at the moment but deep down i know that this isn't the right state of mind to get a beutiful baby. So for now i will just have to wait and see what happens with this referral and speak with my cons. I don't see him until August however i do need to go to the hospital on 11th July for my colposcopy as i had pre cancerous cells on my cervix 2 1/2 years ago and they need to check it hasn't come back. It's one thing after the other

Thank you for replying however
Take care
Melanie xx


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## maxmarnie (Oct 27, 2005)

Awww Melanie my heart goes out to you, it's tough isn't it. I am on my 5th round of Clomid, it's made me feel quite depressed this month, well you probably know that Clomid can cause depression so maybe coming off it will automatically lift your spirits a little as you have probably forgotten what it was like to be you after being on Clomid so long  , and as for thinking about babies try and focus on something else positive that would help you shift your concentration, like a holiday, or learning something new or concentrate on making your relationship the focus of your attention, I know easier said than done, but I personally believe that if you feel better in yourself your body will be more receptive, I think stress has prevented me getting pregnant the last 3 years and I find relaxing really hard, I get really bad anxiety attacks, I went to a Chinese Herbal Place recently and they said they offer acupunture for fertility and helping you relax, maybe taking a new line of action might be give you new inspired hope. Good luck and stay positive.

Max


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## jocole69 (Dec 19, 2004)

Hiya,

So sorry you are feeling down at the mo. I have to say, I am shocked that your cons has offered you more clomid as the risk of ovarian cancer is higher after 12 months! mine would only give me 6 ( and ive worried about that to be honest)
Have they not suggested anything else for you to try ie IVF or IUI now?  Mind you, it sounds like you could really do with a break, not surprisingly!  poor you, clomid really does make you go    so, i hope you will be back to your old self soon. Maybe you should book a nice holiday or weekend away to just relax and enjoy yourself. I feel a bit like it after only 5 months!!  TC. Jo xx


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thanks max and Jo for your kind words. I also am very worried about the fact i have been given another 3 months. I have had Cervical cancer and had to have it removed about 2 1/2 years ago now. I go for another colposcopy on the 11th July. Just to make sure it hasn't come back so i am very worried having already had pre cancerous cells of the cervix that i could also end up with ovarian cancer. I'm worried about everything and i just keep on getting told of the nurses at the hospital that the cons knows what he is doing. What is he doing? he is killing me. If not mentally, physically.  

This is why i have decided not to take them. I'm going to tell him i have taken them though because otherwise he will keep putting me back. When i went from gynae to fertility specialist in Nov 05 he mentioned about IVF but said that i need to be a normal bmi. Back in Nov i had already lost some weight but i was 14 stone. now i am 12 stone and need to get down to 10st4lb.

I feel so angry today. I just wish that someone would help me. I will feel so much better once i get a clear with my colposcopy and after seeing my counsellor yesterday, she has hurried my appointment through with the clinical nurse phycologist as my counsellor thinks i should be on suicide watch. I do feel hopeless at times but i wish i didn't have to feel like this. I just want to feel normal again. 

Sorry for going on! I just needed to get it off my chest! i will be getting a phone call on Monday hopefully from the physciatrist. Then i see my doctor on Tuesday, so hopefully they will slowly sought me out. 

Thankyou again for all your kind words
Melanie xxx


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## jocole69 (Dec 19, 2004)

Oh you really are going thru it at the mo. I'm sorry to hear about the cervical cancer, that is worrying for you. Good idea not to take anymore clomid then. I'm not taking my last lot either cos im just worried what its doing to me. i personally think if its gonna work it will after 3/4 cycles (i know some ladies get bfp after that) in general.  12 stone doesnt seem very heavy?! what the hell do they think eh as if you haven't got enough on your plate without trying to loose lots of weight  


I dont think the cons do always know totally what they are doing either!!  

I hope your apt can bring you some help, are you on any antidepressants? Citalopram are brilliant. Good luck with everything. Thinking of you.  Jo x


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

jocole69 said:


> Oh you really are going thru it at the mo. I'm sorry to hear about the cervical cancer, that is worrying for you. Good idea not to take anymore clomid then. I'm not taking my last lot either cos im just worried what its doing to me. i personally think if its gonna work it will after 3/4 cycles (i know some ladies get bfp after that) in general. 12 stone doesnt seem very heavy?! what the hell do they think eh as if you haven't got enough on your plate without trying to loose lots of weight
> 
> I dont think the cons do always know totally what they are doing either!!
> 
> I hope your apt can bring you some help, are you on any antidepressants? Citalopram are brilliant. Good luck with everything. Thinking of you. Jo x


Hi jo. You have your last cycle. They say that it can take up to 6 cycles and if you don't get caught then, its hard to get pregnant. Thats what i have been told. I am now 12stone and 5'3. my normal bmi is 10st4lb so i have to loose it because otherwise they wont even take me on board. Yes i am on Antidepressents. He gave me Dosulepin which didn't do anything for me. Then he tried 20mg Prozac, which didn't help, now i'm on 40mg prozac with 15mg diazapam daily to keep me and my anxiety and my depression away. I feel 

I feel the same way about cons. I'm just another number at the end of the day and maybe when i go in August, i should demand to be put on the NHS waiting list as i can't afford to go private with being off work for the past 2 1/2 months. Oh dear. I just don't know when its gonna end


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## jocole69 (Dec 19, 2004)

Hi Mel,

I have replied on my other post, but thanks for the story about your mate having got caught on 6 month of clomid. It has made me think! but, not gonna take it this month, im in lots of pain which is probably endo-related and dont wanna risk making it even worse (think clomid hasnt helped it).

No wonder you feel   thats a high dose?!  maybe u could suggest citalopram next time - they are brill!! (if you know what i mean, and dont make you spaced out, bit tired to start with) also Prozac can make you put on weight, which is not what you need right now! dont Dr's think    

Well, good luck.  Jo x


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Hi jo. Like i said. You do what you feel is necessary. I also got alot of pain whilst being on the Clomid. Through ovulation and through af with lots of clots (tmi) but like you said it might be endo related. My friend had that. Thats why she took the Clomid. 

Hope all goes well for you. I think they have finally got my medication under control. I ended up very suicidal on Sunday and ended up in hospital. They think i am having irrational racing thoughts and have also introduced me to a antiphycotic drug. I have asked if all this will effect my chances of a healthy baby and they have said that the tablets i am on, are ok to take throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding but that they will slowly wean me off them when pregnant because most of my problems mentally is the obsession with babies. 

Good luck with everything
Melanie xxx


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Melanie 
Thinking of you xxxx


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