# Something to be proud of



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Well, I've joined a knitting circle and have been going for several weeks. They are ALL women and so I thought the potential for baby talk would be high but it hasn't been a problem – until last night. A new woman joined the group and she just was full of herself and chatting on and on about her daughter, the whole pregnancy story, how she nearly lost her, how marvellous her life is with the 3 year old angel.... and of course the other women started to chime in with their birth stories (some of which even if I had children would be a bit TMI, if you know what I mean?) Anyway, I was sitting there not saying much (as you can imagine) and then of course the question was asked and all eyes were on me. But I was so cool, and I didn't get upset. I just said, we lost three babies, one of them quite late on and I would have loved to have had children. This caused a stir - but I continued (calmly) saying they weren't to know and it's ok. I finished by saying I was now trying to reclaim my life. The women were insistent that 'It could still happen'. But I said 'No. There has to come a time, when for your own sanity, you move on. And that's what I'm doing now."

PHew! Little did they know what a breakthrough it was for me. I was able to speak my truth and then carry on talking to them. Luckily the subject moved on to other things. I actually felt really authentic, like I wasn't hiding and I hadn't made them feel bad .... well they might ponder on it perhaps. That life isn't the same for everyone.

Anyway - proud of myself You bet!!!  

Bernie (pats herself on the head and gives herself a big hug)
xxxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

You're a star Bernie!  I'm so happy for you that you've found a way of expressing what has happened to you 'in public' without feeling bad about it. Long may the reclaiming-your-life project continue to prosper!

On the knitting front I am about to draw a line under the 'knitting for every single friend's baby' habit that I started way before we even started ttc.  It's become a bit of a thing, and although I say it myself I'm really proud of some of the things I've produced, but it's also become more and more of a burden as I just can't keep up with the number of babies.  When I was less well (before my thyroid problem was diagnosed) I spent more time sitting around so it was a nice hobby to have, but now it's to be honest getting a bit stressful as I always seem to be at least one baby behind, and if you don't get it finished quickly enough they've grown out of it before you get it to them   .  So when I've finished the current one I'm going to stop and draw a line under that one (after all I'm going to be a teacher so I'm going to be way to busy, right??) and knit something FOR ME!   I've got a lovely cardigan that I want to try and copy (shouldn't be too hard??) in another colour - really looking forward to starting somethign completely new! 

Jx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks J !! I agree it is indeed time for you to knit something for YOU! I used to do similar to you and would always knit a pair of booties for any new baby that came along - I used to make them in bright colours like red or orange and find some unusual ribbon. But it gets too time-consuming and so I limited it to family only and the last ones were for my great nephew (7 years ago!) It's fun to make presents though - like those Mr Hankey dolls I knitted the year before last! At the knitting circle it is great to see all the different projects. I'm currently knitting a pair of slippers for hubby. The pattern was getting very confusing - so I've abandoned it and I'm ambitiously going 'off pattern' and making it up as I go along. Well.... I can always unravel them!!!
Bernie xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

That's the great thing about knitting - you can always undo it - apart from once I made a jumper with very fluffy wool, and that you couldn't undo as it sort of stuck to itself ...

Anyway, so nice to hear you feeling cheerful.  It's also true that this stage of being asked is very much an age thing ... we were at a party last night on a canal boat with my morris side, and someone was doing a comic song about morris dancing that they'd found which claimed it 'made you fertile' and one of the ladies shouted back  'not so as you'd notice' and I suddenly thought, well no, she and her husband don't have children do they?  The thing is they are a bit older (she'd just about to retire in a few weeks, although I find that hard to believe as she doesn't seem old enough) so I wouldn't expect her to be children-focussed, and to be honest they have such full lives (horses, music, dancing etc) with so much going on in them that I had never really thought about it, other than to think they were one of the nicest couples I know becuase they are just so nice to each other and so obviously supportive and have fun together, and are somehow so young in spirit.

So that really does make you think about what you get out of life in a family of two - much more togetherness, much more time to 'give back', and I don't know if you ever look at the parenting boards on ff, but I'm afraid I do sometimes   and whilst I know that people are unlikely to bother to post to say 'everything's going tickety-boo, my children are angels and my husband is a saint' so you do tend to hear more from the people having a bad time, it certainly makes you realise what a strain it puts on a relationship!  OK, obviously I'm sure that we would have still managed to communicate perfectly well on no sleep   , but still ...

And of course it also made me think, gosh, I'd never even thought about that couples childlessness, and obviously it's somethign I do notice more than most   - so there's hope that with time people will stop asking us too ...

Jx


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Pol,
I thoroughly agree with your point.  It really is an age thing.  My DH and I are 30, and have been married for 8yrs. Over the weekend we found out that we are going to become an aunt/uncle for the first time, so its really only just beginning for us.  I guess as I found out when I was so young and got married so young, the situation has been delayed, but it is was obviously inevitable.  Sufficed to say I havent taken this news well at all.To top things off, I have put on alot of weight (4kg in 6months) due to a bad reaction to some new meds, and yesterday at work, suddenly everybody turned around and said 'You lok pg...are you absolutely sure you arent!!!'  Nice.  

On a happier note, well done you Bernie!  I cant wait to be in a place where I can be so confident about it.  You should knit yourself a reward pachmena or something.....just please dont do a Noel Edmunds!!!! I haven't even told my sisters or inlaws my real situation.  I'm just going to wait until I get to an age when they can figure it out for themselves. Hopefully then I can turn around and say, 'go figure' or 'you really didnt expect me to broadcast it did you!'.

Nat xx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

bernie   gosh that must have been so hard to say what how amazing that you could do so, sometimes all I want to do is tell new people that we can't have children sadly but somehow I've never managed it, hopefully the next time someone asks me I can try x


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

That's brilliant Bernie, especially as you have struggled at times since you moved out there. You saying about hiding really struck a chord with me, I spent a very long time telling people we didn't want children but over the last 6 months or so have actually now started telling people I can't have them. It's been amazing, I used to feel ashamed, guilty, not 'normal' but i think that as i've come to terms with it more and more i've grown to realise that IF is part of who i am and i began to realise i was hiding behind my lies as to why we didn't have children. I've got wonderful friends and family and now i actually feel so much more relaxed when i'm with them as i don't feel like i'm carrying round this huge and heavy secret any more.

Amanda xx


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

hey Bernie 

I felt really moved by your story... good on you!! Hopefully it gave the lady who was going on a bit some food for thought! Like you said, obviously, she wasn't to know... but sometimes I do get pretty mad when I'm having to lsten to endless stories about baby heaven. 
In fact, I've quite ENJOYED announcing our infertility a couple of times as it shuts them up very quickly!!!!

lots of love
Jill x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

THanks everyone. It was indeed a triumph for me but remember that it's taken me a long time to get to this place. In fact, I quite surprised myself when it happened. It's like you don't know how you are going to react until you are in a particular situation. 

Pol - the slippers were a disaster!!! They are like giant dinosaur slippers! Oh well, time to unravel...

Natalie - you made me laugh with your Noel Edmunds comment    You are right - people should work it our for themselves it's just that they often don't - or if they do they say something stupid  

Beachgirl - You will be able to say it when you are ready. We all find our way - but I must say that this board has helped me get there.

Amanda - it's true - it feels so much better to be authentic and I think people actually respond to that. I suppose early on, telling people about my situation would be like spilling out a whole lot of heartache and you don't do that with people you hardly know. But as time has gone on and I have healed it is no longer like telling them my deepest darkest secret because it doesn't feel like that any more. It is just telling them the way it is for me. Even so - there are things I would never share in that way. THere are things I will always keep for me and hubby (and maybe people on these boards).

Jill - Good for you! It should shut em up!! And maybe they will realise just how lucky they are!

Bernie xxx


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