# Waiting and trying to cope



## LunaWop (Jun 16, 2015)

Hello everyone,

I have been stalking the boards for a while, trying to find the secret trick to cope...I have managed to hang on until now, but it's getting harder every day...
DH and I were married just over a year ago, and started ttc soon afterwards. I went through all the stages: being relaxed about it, monitoring every "symptom" in the tww, gathering information, and doing all the tests I could. I *know* there have been some step forwards: we have a clear MF issue, which means that we should be eligible for NHS funding as soon as the tests are done and our consultant finds the time to see us., but despite this I feel like everything I do is wait, and count the days, and panic.
Tomorrow I have to re-do CD2 tests for the third time. First time was too long ago (thanks for taking forever). Second time they forgot to request estradiol. I dunno...maybe third time will be lucky, but I struggle to hope..

Worst thing is that every single step of the way seems to take forever. Fertility clinic is shambles, and it takes months to get an appointment. Then we get there, wait for hours for the consultant to see us (she is *always* late), and she gives us 5 minutes of her time and seems to only want us out of the room.

They told us that the appointment on 30th September would be the last one, and that she would then send the referral. I don't know whether I can believe her. I don't know how long it will take after that. Waiting, and not knowing, is killing me. How do you do it? How do you get through every single day without falling apart? 

Sorry for being such a pain, but I am really, really struggling...
Thank you


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## Emmylou80 (Aug 14, 2014)

Hi lunawop

I don't have an answer about how to cope but I just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling like this. Unfortunately the process of IVF is more waiting than anything else, so somehow you just muddle through. I am in limboland now after my 3rd failed cycle, and every day I am waiting to start again feels like an eternity. I really try not to think about how long the wait is, I just take each week (or sometimes each day) as it comes. I'll be honest, there are days that I feel like I am falling apart but then the next day will be better. DH and I try to make sure we have things to look forward to while we are between treatments (days out, weekends away) which helps. FF is also a godsend! Being able to talk to the ladies on here who understand exactly how you feel is a big help. I'm sorry you are having a such a tough time with your clinic, I hope things get better when you get your referral  Xx


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## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

I remember quite clearly being in this zone. My only advice to you is that you have time on your side. I'm 43.

This does not mean that you cannot be annoyed at what looks like incompetence on their part. Unfortunately, we are in their hands.

Every milestone takes you a step closer to your goal so be pleased that you have taken up the reins and are driving in the right direction. (previously you were just crossing your fingers, now you're speaking with specialists and moving things forward, all be it slowly.)

Good luck !
xx


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## LunaWop (Jun 16, 2015)

Thank you both so much! I really can't say how much it helps to know that it's not only me, that I am not the only one feeling this way, and that there are people who can understand...I guess I know there is no easy solution, but there are times I feel so alone whilst going through this (DH does everything he can to be strong, but he struggles to understand everything I feel), and being able to speak to someone who knows what I am talking about is a huge help...thanks again...


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Luna,
Don't worry, we went through the same thing: 
Repeat blood tests because the first ones were not done properly at the GP's, waiting, feeling powerless because your referral is in the end of a GP that doesn't give a s…. 
Getting different and contradictory information every time we had an appointment at the hospital from gynaecologists not trained for infertility because there is only one experienced consultant, waiting some more… It's a matter of luck, depending on the qualification of the different medical practitioners you'll see, depending on the process in your region (some fund one cycle, others two, others change the rules in the middle)
It can feel like a never-ending process. All you can do is breathe, look at the end goal and assume that it will take longer than you expect. And try to have other mini goals: going out for dinner, reach a fitness goal, go see a friend that you haven't seen for a while, try new recipes, a pottery class, watch 10 seasons of a tv series on netflix: basically keep yourself busy outside of your IF journey.
And remember, you are not alone.
xx


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## KnittyGritty (Apr 17, 2015)

I feel very much the same. It feels like I have spent all my time waiting for an appointment to come through the post and it makes me feel really down.  My DH seems to be more patient about it than me which can feel quite annoying and there is only so much I can do to keep me busy. We'll be having our first cycle before Christmas and I know things are moving forward but this waiting for the letter to come through the door is driving me nuts and me very down. In fact I think I have depression as I feel that way constantly and will be ringing my ivf clinic for counselling. 

You aren't the only one to feel this way,  sadly.


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## LunaWop (Jun 16, 2015)

Hi KnittyGritty,

I am really sorry you are feeling this way too...While there is some consolation in knowing that I am not the only one, I would never ever wish something like this to anybody...

There are no major news on my side, though I have spoken to my GP and self-referred for counselling with the NHS...I somehow hope that they will be able to help me get through this very dark time...

I think DH is starting to understand how difficult I am finding all of this. He is very much a procrastinator by nature, so even though the wait is tough on him too he seems to cope with it much better than I do. We have also tried (not very successfully, I admit) to work out exactly what sort of waiting times we are talking about, to see whether it might be wiser to look at other options (either egg sharing or going fully private, in the UK or abroad). 

Would anyone know how long the wait typically is between referral from Fertility Clinic (all bloods done) and the actual start of treatment? I know that at (almost) 35 I am not too old in IVF world, but I am also conscious of every month that goes  by...


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## optimistic 13 (Nov 1, 2014)

Hey if you have the funds available ... Going private is the best thing we did , was going nowhere in the tears tears of nhs obstacles ... Hoops 
We saved for 2 years and things have moved quick since last dec referral from Dr to private clinic x good luck. X x


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## pheeny (Jan 31, 2015)

Hi Lunawop, we had the same problem lots of repeat testing after wrong tests done and lost results - including sperm counts AFTER we found out DH had azoospermia, was very frustrated and lots of tears.  But the good part was after referral from the initial hospital to the fertility clinic in november 2014, we saw specialist in december and I started treatment in February, which didn't seem too bad.


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi,

From the GP's referral to the first fertility consultation at the hospital, it took about a month. From the NHS referral to the appointment to the fertility clinic for an IVF cycle, it took about 3 weeks. In our case the NHS referral came after almost a year of testing and 11 failed clomid cycles, under the watch of the fertility team at the hospital&#8230;

*From my unfortunate experience, if I were you, I would pay privately for an AMH test without delay*. This way you know where you stand. My AMH was tested after a full year of tests, just before our first IVF cycle: we lost a year and by that time my AMH and my ovarian reserve were so low that we barely collected two very low quality eggs&#8230; That year we wasted pretty much ruined any chances we had to have a baby with my eggs.

xx


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## LunaWop (Jun 16, 2015)

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the help, support and information...I honestly think that this terrible journey would be so much easier if it were possible to get the information in a simple and easy way...

At the moment DH and I are trying to look at all possible solutions to work out what can (and can't) be done. The lady at the fertility clinic has told us that at our next meeting she will be sending out our forms to the IVF clinic of our choice (currently torn between CRGH and Create, but we're going at their open day/evening next week, so hopefully that will help us make up our mind). What I don't know for sure is how long it would take to start treatment after we got there...We have had all of our tests done and everything seems fine with me, with no evidence of low ovarian reserve (fingers crossed it's true and we "only" have to deal with MF), but I don't know how fast they'll move. Hope to get some clarity on that point when we go there next week (no doubt that time would play a major role in our decision about what clinic to choose).

Going full private is an option, but I worry about that: we don't have unlimited funds (of course!) and any cycle we can have before dipping into them means an extra chance to have a baby in our arms sooner or later. 

The option I am considering the most at the moment is going for egg sharing...Given my age, it's really one or the other (even if we did go through the remaining bit of the NHS process fast, I'd be too old to be considered for sharing once the two cycles are done). Sharing would also give us the opportunity to help someone who is having a very difficult time, but of course half the eggs means half the probability of getting a bfp...Again I guess we'll wait until we see what CRGH and Create say next week, and then it will finally be decision time...


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