# Big sister blues



## Bluething (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I just don't know how much more of this I can take.  My sister had her beautiful little girl about two weeks ago.  Since then I have seen her twice.  The first time she was asleep, then when she woke up I wasn't allowed a cuddle because she was grumpy and "only two people are allowed to look after her when she's grumpy", although I know that other people had held her previously.  The second time was today.  I got there, as on the last time I visited at the time they said, to find out - again - that she was asleep (I do understand that this is likely with a new baby! but they do keep telling me about their successful routine, in which case surely sleep time is not the best time to arrive if, as my sister keeps saying "there's lots of cuddles waiting here for you!".)  As I walked through the door I was told to shush, and then got all the details about feeding, changing, birth etc for the second time.  About 20 minutes later my brother in laws mum and two grandchildren arrived - they were not told to shush, which I was quite annoyed about, but in retrospect it's not unexpected as there has always been one rule for them and one rule for us!  Then all of the stuff about feeding etc occurred again.  I made my excuses and left, greeted with a barrage of "well, you haven't been here long".  I feel bad because I am happy for them, but I can't face being there surrounded by their happiness, if that makes sense.  My sister offered a cuddle as I was leaving, but I felt really self conscious - after all it would have been my first cuddle as everyone else there had already had them and she was asleep.  (I'm not good in front of an audience!)
It also turns out that what I thought was a small family thing on Saturday is in fact a large gathering at mum's house for my sister so that everyone on both sides of the family and all of their friends can come and say hello.  I'm quite upset that no one thought to mention the scale of this to me, and that no one seems to have the slightest idea of how hard it is to try for a baby for over 5 and a half years with no success and watch everyone else succeed.
And then the guilt kicks in - after all, I'm a big sister.  I seem to have spent my life putting myself out for other people (probably more to do with my personality rather than being a big sister!), especially for my sister, and agreeing to things that I don't want to do  to make other people happy.  Surely I should be able to do this aunt thing easily, after all, I am pleased for them and she is a gorgeous little girl.
But I just don't think I can, especially as I am going back on Clomid next cycle - the last time I was on it my emotions went haywire and I had to be signed off work (admittedly there were other things going on at the time).  My husband, luckily, is very supportive, but I don't think even he really understands how worried I am about the Clomid upsetting my moods again.  My sister was on Clomid when she conceived and I keep expecting her to understand, but the second she succeeded forgot how hard it is to be unsuccessful month after month.  I keep thinking she should understand, but my husband says that I expect unreasonable understanding from the people around me because I make great efforts to understand where they are.  (Which again makes me guilty because I know how happy they are and I want to be there but I did not think it would be this hard.)  
I just feel so  alone and fed up, and I really want to just bury myself under the duvet and never come out again.
Anyway, moan over - after all what doesn't kill me...


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## buggles (May 24, 2012)

Hey bluething.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. My sister has just become pregnant with her first so I'm at the beginning of this particular rollercoaster. Already the scan pictures and gushing grandparents are proving a little too much!

Their happiness isn't hard for you because you are a bad person or because you want them to be miserable. You can simultaneously be delighted for them and devasted for yourself. Allow yourself envy, jealousy, bitterness. They are nasty emotions but they don't make you a nasty person, they are natural. 

My experience with friends with new babies is that the first few months is nuts for them so cut them a break about how they were with you. Don't go round there much until the baby is a bit older. You will be a terrific auntie but you cant do that right now. When baby is older it will have more personality, do more, and be easier for you to bond with. Do something nice for your sister that doesnt involve seeing her. Send her a lovely card saying how happy you are. It will make you feel better and she can't accuse you of sour grapes.

I would limit your time at this party. Go for an hour. If husband is supportive, let him make up some thing he forgot you have to go and do. Go and stick it out for an hour then go for a nice lunch or some other treat with your husband. Paint a big smile, be and breezy and make light conversation. Leave before it gets too much. 

My heart goes out to you it really does x


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## shellmcglasgow (May 6, 2012)

I ws reading u'r post and feel so like am in similar position my best friend who is like my sister just had a baby girl although she is just adorable I wasn't allowed to go see her for 2 weeks as they were adjusting although there were pleanty pictures on ******** with pleanty people holding her in hospital and at home, when I did eventully get my turn it was only for 5 min as other family had arrived unanounced so they took over, baby is now 2 months and only seen her once more but she was sleeping and didn't want to ask, I do understand that a new born is alot and life is turned upside-down but felt really disappointed that I was brushed aside, I am really happy for my friend too though so I feel bad that I feel like this but sometimes I just get really down that I wasn't a part of it and I think my friend finds it difficult coz she doesn't understand at all how I feel. 

I think buggles advice is good to just go for a bit to the get together and then go do something nice with DH and I really like the card idea might do this myself for my bestie as feel a bit estranged from her now but that is prob my fault as distancing myself.

big hugs and am sure u will be the bestest auntie ever x


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