# Afraid I will Snap!!



## Rania82 (Jan 5, 2013)

Please help me out ladies on what do you say to family? friends? Hairdresser!?

We have been trying for almost 6 years and 4 failed IVFS and never in my life been close to pregnancy  

KILLS me constantly when people ask me "no baby yet" "you trying any time soon?" even the Lady that has been waxing my legs for years asked me "baby any time soon?" the new girl at work asked me also about baby?? my SIL said to me next time i see you have a surprise for us! my friend said ' you must be broody seeing us all with babies?

I AM V V BROODY BUT WHAT CAN I DO!!   

I AM GOING TO SNAP (we have not told anyone about this journey as it is v v personal to us) I am so afraid i will just lose it with the next baby comment!

is it just me or anyone else get this daily! I CANT DO IT ANYMORE


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm so sorry that you're feeling pushed to your limit Rania. It's absolutely not surprising, people can be very (often unintentionally) massively insensitive. It's like no one ever thinks that there may be a reason or seem to mind that it's a hugely personal question in which they're basically asking you about your intimate life with your partner.

I am very sensitive to this too, as my situation is complicated by my lovely step children and my DH's vasectomy. I get the works from everyone, from how fantastic it must be to have kids that you can send back at the end of the day (um, no, it is heart wrenching) through to how great it must be to have kids and someone else doing all the hard work like labour etc (just plain ignorant and stupid). If I'm really lucky, I get asked what's wrong with me, as there clearly can't be anything wrong with DH as he has children already.

My God, how personal can people be?! Do they really want to know the detail?!

Without being cutting or rude, which I'm dreadful at, I like to think of witty comebacks, though I never think of them until I'm brooding about it after someone's asked. My favourites so far are:


we're waiting to see how yours turn out before we decide
I thought that was between me and my husband. But now that we're in the bedroom, how many orgasms have you had this week?
We really wanted children until we spent time with yours...

There's more fabulous ones on this forum: http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/general-infertility/360787-responses-when-you-going-have-children.html. Sometimes, it's all that you can do to laugh.

I guess that I generally respond with that life is complicated and leave it at that. Sending you loads of 

Is the perfect answer out there.....?


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

Rania I snapped last night it was a long time coming and do you know something I felt so much better for it even though I probably spoke far too much about my situation.

There was a lady in my college class who chirped up about how she thinks it wrong that people are given IVF on the NHS well that was it I went off on one being infertile for what ever reason is not something we have chose its not because we have abused our bodies it is an illness and one that should be recognised and treated in my opinion needless to say she was extremely aplogetic and felt bad at one time I would have felt guilty for having a go but as I said it felt good to get it out.

I have started replying when people ask when people say 'dont you want any children of your own' with its not always that easy and straight forward they generally then keep their nosy beaks out.

Its so hard I am in the same situation as you I have step children who live with us full time as they dont want to live with their Mother as she doesnt really give a crap about them its so hard to find an aswer to be comfortable with now and again you will just blow.

Hope you find a way to deal with things.

x


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## danceintherain (Apr 16, 2013)

It's a difficult one. People clearly don't realise what an insensitive question this is, it's born out of complete ignorance most of the time. Unfortunately, when we grin and bear it I think we perpetuate the problem. I have told family and friends about our difficulties. However, this does not help when complete strangers start interrogating me about kids, and to be honest I tend to smile, say something vague and change the subject. It actually makes me annoyed that they have upset me, but that I'm taking pains not to make them feel awkward! 

I know the comments aren't meant to be unkind. I actually feel that I if I were to explain to these strangers that DH and I can't have kids, then they would realise what a sensitive area it is - and it would probably make them think twice before ambushing other women who might well have similar issues. As time goes on perhaps I will get a bit braver and speak out for all of us!


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Molly99 said:


> My God, how personal can people be?! Do they really want to know the detail?!
> 
> Without being cutting or rude, which I'm dreadful at, I like to think of witty comebacks, though I never think of them until I'm brooding about it after someone's asked. My favourites so far are:
> 
> ...


just looked at the link to the thread and some of those responses are soooo funny - i love the one about manners! lol


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

For the Daily Mail, I thought that this was an incredibly sensitive and well written piece on why people feel the need to ask such personal questions.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1370532/No-I-dont-children-But-MY-business.html

My DH is one that doesn't understand how uncomfortable this is, particularly as he has children and introduces them as 'ours'. This leads onto all sorts of uncomfortable conversations until I have to stop them and say that we don't have kids together. The times I've come close to saying 'no, not unless I can turn back time and stop my DH having a vasectomy' 

I bet that would stop them asking!


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## rainbowsandbubbles (Sep 11, 2009)

Hi, I'm sorry for your pain.  This isn't going to be nice to hear but sometimes we have to spend some time making a concious effort to refocus our life.  I'm not saying not try for a baby, I know how heartbreaking it is to walk past a pregnant woman, the tears when your period arrives, the frustration of not knowing if you can arrange to go on holiday next year in case you are pregnant.  


...

But there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, whilst I would love love love that to happen, I just have to for my own sanity find some purpose elsewhere.  There is a good book 'called pink for a girl' I read that and was inspired that okay so both her and I weren't falling pregnant, but we had other things we could enjoy too.  For me it's furniture design and restoration and I've very recently set up my own business online, I've decided to focus on arts.  I've tried different jobs but just get snappy with people asking me about kids and being so blooming insensitive all the time.  So now I work from home with my little doggies, and I reach out to people on the net and when I meet my friends or new people through socialising all the conversation is about my art work.

I hope you can find a little sparkle in other areas of your life xxx


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## rainbowsandbubbles (Sep 11, 2009)

Molly99 said:


> I'm so sorry that you're feeling pushed to your limit Rania. It's absolutely not surprising, people can be very (often unintentionally) massively insensitive. It's like no one ever thinks that there may be a reason or seem to mind that it's a hugely personal question in which they're basically asking you about your intimate life with your partner.
> 
> I am very sensitive to this too, as my situation is complicated by my lovely step children and my DH's vasectomy. I get the works from everyone, from how fantastic it must be to have kids that you can send back at the end of the day (um, no, it is heart wrenching) through to how great it must be to have kids and someone else doing all the hard work like labour etc (just plain ignorant and stupid). If I'm really lucky, I get asked what's wrong with me, as there clearly can't be anything wrong with DH as he has children already.
> 
> ...


Hahahahahahaha love it!!!


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## rainbowsandbubbles (Sep 11, 2009)

I think I've just written a post that is completely unrelevant.. I'm in zombie land today.  I thought you were frustrated because it wasn't happening... doh... okay so what to say to people... well in the past I've shouted and swore at people.  one lady in particular said my dog had attacked her, but he was in the house with me and it's a cocker spaniel!  So she came up with her kid and knocked on my door and I was like but it hasn't been out and you must have the wrong house!  Anyway she started saying well are you calling my little girl a liar.  I was like yes because he was in with me!!  You must have the wrong house, then she said well HAVE YOU GOT CHILDREN DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE A MUM.  

Well I flipped out completely and was even saying the f word to her and screaming no because I cant have children.  Anyway I ran inside cried and cried and later she knocked, saying she was so sorry, she had been so insensitive and she was a midwife so she should know better.

After that day and realising how much I could loose it with someone, I decided just to go for the 'no we cant have them, and we have made the personal choice to not adopt'  This way people knew we wanted them as I didn't want to be stereotyped into the selfish type of couple, but it normally stops the conversation going any further.


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## Rania82 (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you all firstly for all your advice and kind words xxxx and sorry for some of your own personal stories by just ignorant people  
That site had a few good ones that i will save in my head xx I guess for me when i am having the "perfect day" it seems to be that moment when a baby comment will come up   and that will be it takes me to a dark place and ruins the rest of my day.

I guess i have to have a thicker skin, and just be prepared that some idiot may ask me so I will not be off guard when it happens.

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR UNDERSTANDING xx and i   we all get blessed soon x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Rania, just tell them: the will come to us once God decides it is their time and that's it. Your in-laws should understand that very well.
Take care and stay strong!


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## MrsA (Apr 8, 2013)

It's so hard isn't it, but to be honest I probably asked the question "So when are you having kids?" loads of times before I was in this situation and didn't even think about it!

It's only now that I am going through this journey myself that I realise how insensitive I was. Unintentionally of course.

A few of my close friends and family know what we have been going through and it has been lovely to have their support but those who don't know ask us all the time "are you two not ready for kids?", "do you think you will be next?", "you two better get a move on, should you not?", or "come on, the clocks ticking".  How many times I have almost screamed "I KNOW!".

I just remind myself that thankfully, they are not having to deal with this and they don't know any better.

Baby dust to all xxxx


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## LaineyK (Feb 1, 2011)

I share your struggle - the best tip I got to deal with the 'do you have children' question is to say 'Sadly no' - without going into detail they know it is not a lifestyle choice, that you are suffering the sadness of infertility and generally they don't follow up with any further questions.  But if you want to avoid the awkward pause that this answer causes, you need to follow up with another question.  I often say 'Sadly no, how many children did you say you have again ?' I don't listen to the answer, it just buys me the time to think of another question to change the topic of conversation...


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