# Anyone adopted and had problems years later?



## Fi79 (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi

Has anyone on here adopted some years ago and is now seeing unexpected problems with their adopted children? 

We are currently deciding if adoption is right for us. I have read loads of positive stories and met some very happy adopters at information evenings but all of these still have very young children (under 3 or at least under 5). I have also read a few horror stories- for example one family where the child had mental health issues (downplayed by SWs at the time of adoption) which became so bad as she got older the adoptive mother had a break down and the child went back into care. I have also read about a boy who was adopted at 3 yrs due to sexual abuse and by the age of 8 was displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour. I was wondering if anyone had adopted some years ago and could say what problems their children face as they get older? I know all adopted children are traumatised but I want to understand what is the norm and what is an extreme story. Is there anywhere I can find stories of adoption where the children are now young adults? Stories from the 60s where an unwed mother has given up her baby don't seem the same as the children who need adopters nowadays.

I'd also be really interested to know if most adopted children are academically challenged? Both me and DH are high intellectual achievers/ quite cultural and I know this is something I might need to manage my expectations on. Even if we had a bio child really!

I hope these questions don't sound awful but I don't want a SW to think we sound picky but I do want to be sure as much as possible what we are signing uP for to be fair to any child.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oh there are plenty of horror stories..isnt there everywhere though? on every subject?
look on the Adoption UK message boards..theres a section for parents of older adoptees..but it does make quite frightening reading in places..but remember people post there mostly for support in difficult times so it doesnt take into account the many people who have adoptees and are having a fairly normal family life. there is some difference in oprion on there, with some very strong feelings from older adopters with difficult children, that there is no such thing as an adoption without problems. whilst i agree that adoptees will always on some level be affected by their adoption I dont agree that its a given and life will inevitably be a living hell as some like to intimate.


I am 5 years down the line with my children (now aged nearly 7 and and 5 1/2) and there are probabaly more 'quirks' than i maybe anticipated early on. But they are nothing we cant live with currently. We have adjusted our lifestyle a little to accomdate their needs but that isnt a great sacrifice..we have made decisions very carefully based on their personalities which means currently they are home educated because i dont feel they would cope very well in school..they probably would 'cope' but it would be stressful fr all involved and i'm not willing to add extra stress into their lives. We are in most respects and completely normal family and do normal family stuff day to day.


academically challenged? possibly, but not inevitable..it depends on how they cope in school with all the other stuff going on. mine are bright but would most likely under acheive in a school setting due to them being easily dysregulated...


gotta run, being hassled by 2 children in pyjamas..funny happy bright articulate children who are the light of my life


hope that helps


kj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

HI

As KJ says, yes, plenty of horror stories but thats because people only want to hear the bad stuff.......nice, happy families don't make interesting news or reading unfortunately.

We're nearly 5 years in with our DS, almost 7.  He is to all a very normal boy for his age, doing good at school, makes friends easily.  At home he can be challenging but we always knew there would be some attachment stuff with him so its nothing we weren't expecting.  Sometimes his behaviour is no different than his peers and for no different reason either, sometimes its attachment related.  We adopted again 18 months ago and, having the challenging behaviour already, were more expecting of health uncertainties as this is easier for people to understand and accept.  Though our DD came with huge uncertainties medically and developmentally she is perfect in every way and brighter than DS at the same age.

We have family who adopted almost 10 years ago and the 2 oldest children are in mainstream school, one about to go on to do A levels, and generally doing OK.  The younger sibling was drug and alcohol dependant at birth and is a year behind her peers with a statement but still in mainstream school.

Personally I think you have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best especially when adopting but also with birth children.  No one can say what the future will hold for any of them, they may be bright, they may do OK or they may be of lower ability but if they have the support and security of a loving family they will reach their potential and be happy.  DO all you can to support and help your children, get early intervention if needed and definitely lower expectations.  

IMO, knowing a lot of adoptive families, you can have a pretty normal life and, yes there will be times of trouble but its not just adopted children that shop lift or take drugs etc, but building an open and honest relationship will be a massive help in future years.

Good luck with your decision.

OT x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our son is 9 now and has been here just over 3 years, I read the AUK boards intently befor he came home and I have to say think I though, it just wouldn't happen to us, 6 months after placement and we were on our knees, we were luck if you can call it that, in that we hadn't put in for our adoption order so we just refused to do so until they funded therapy for us which did help a great deal, but we do have very extreme behaviour here, everything is a constant battle with him, we have a multitude of professionals involved in our lives due to his needs and behaviour.
At school he is very academically bright and on the whole has gotten on very well, but that has been down to very good teachers, we have had one year with a teacher who just didn't get it and we had a whole year of battling with her to get her to understand.
All that said though we love our son to bits and would not be with out him, quirky as we like to call them, ways and all.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

OK........no matter what you read you will always find horror stories along the way BUt don't let this put you off adoption.
I'm 14 years down the line in terms of adoption....our DS has gone of the rails a bit BUT this had nothing to do with adoption and more of a case of getting in with the wrong crowd....soemthing that at nearly 20 he is realising was his mistake and is trying to rebuild his life and break away from that crowd.  He was never "bright" at school as in he never had brilliant exam results BUT exam results are not everything..he is a birght, intellegnet young man who is liked by everyone.

We are 11 years down the line in terms of adoption with our DD and she is a different kettle of fish compared to her brother.  She has just moved to high school where they set targets for them....she has achieved and gone above what her levels of achievment were set for her.  She's also just been diagnosed with discallious........the opposite of dsylexia..she gets numbers muddled rather than letters.with this in mine she has just reached and gone over the level they set her for maths!! Well done DD!!!!

If you want to pm me feel free and I'll happily talk that way.

Good luck in what ever you decied to do.

Superal


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I am not there yet so can't give you a personal story but as someone who works in education and has done for the whole of my career. Statistically in terms of academia adopted children preform on par with biological peers (that stay with their families) where as children who are in the care system preform really poorly. Adopting doesn't statistically mean you are any more or less likely to have a child that struggles academically (long term) than if you conceived naturally. 

I have taught children who's parents both have PHD's and had to cope with their response when I tell them that their child is going on the special needs register. My brother and sister in law are both educated to a degree level and all 3 of their children are on the special needs register at school (nothing serious just behind where they should be.) You get dealt what you get dealt I guess is what I am saying. 

Adopted children are likely to be behind their developmental milestones due to lack of stimulation and experience (as an early years teacher I can promise you this is 99% of the difference between the bright and those that are behind not genes.) I feel that particular genetic issues aside I will make up for the simulation or word gap as it is known in education and with research and hard work you could too. 

From what I have read adopted teenagers can face a number of struggles in their teens. This isn't surprising really all teens struggle with identity and feel disconnected from their families ( I know I did and my home life couldn't have been more loving or stable.) Open and honest communication will help with this however as others have said don't be too quick to blame the fact they are adopted many biological children who have never had a day of trauma go off the rails with drugs, drink and crime in their teens. 

Parenting is an unknown entity however you come to it - although adoption carries  more uncertainty. What you need to ask yourself is are you prepared to deal with whatever life throws your way? For me if my future children (fingers crossed they are somewhere waiting for me) are academically the bottom of their class and rebel to the extreme as teens. It won't matter to me. I will know that I have given them everything I possibly can to make them feel loved and to support them and I will still love them more than anyone in the world. I will be happy because I got to be a Mum and however that works out I will be happy unlike now where I am miserable and have been for years. I want to be a Mum more than anything in the world and however hard it is I will feel privileged and blessed everyday that I got a chance to give the love I have to a child that needs it. (Sorry a bit heavy)


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

Some great posts above  just wanted to add our story. My eldest son came to us a week before he turned 2 and even at that early stage was showing severe attachment issue. He will be 8 this year and is among the top children in his year. Socially he has done much better than any of us thought and still continues to do so  
We moved his school last year from an independent prep school to our local village school and the change in him is amazing  
They understand his little quirks he has such as if he is in an unfamiliar situation he isn't comfy in he will seem to chatter much more and finds it hard to be silent. 
At home we do have bad days along with the good, in using the word bad I only mean days where he will push the boundaries etc or try and control everything. 
Once you get to know your little one you soon get to work out their little quirks and when you are likely to get them. 
It can be hard to figure out sometimes what is just a 7 yr olds behaviour and what is due to him being adopted. 

What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't have him any other way and our day to day life is not much different to anyone else's

Suzie x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

keemjay said:


> gotta run, being hassled by 2 children in pyjamas..funny happy bright articulate children who are the light of my life
> kj x


I love that  . Just 'normal' parenting stuff and who knows what the future holds hey?!

X


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## Fi79 (Jan 23, 2011)

Thanks so much for all your comments- it is really kind of you all to respond. Really helpful to hear some of the challenges balanced with the good bits. I totally agree that you can face all sorts of difficulties with birth children anyway. One of my best friends died of alcoholism aged 29- and she came from a very loving, stable home. I suppose it's just quite strange with adoption as you are making a conscious choice.

I suppose I just need to be sure we want to adopt for its own sake and not because it's a last resort to getting a child.

Lots of thinking still to do! xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think that is a very honest and brave way  to look at it. Sending   and hoping you work out where to go next soon x


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