# No room at the emotional inn



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi ladies,

Have any if you found that months/years of IVF has left your marriage bereft of credit in the emotional bank? We've drawn down on all our reserves. I was so unstable during IVF, that whenever I'm in any way unstable now, H flies off the handle. There just isn't any capacity there to cut me some slack.

Problem is, my mum has alzheimers and we're moving into she won't/can't eat, bathe, take her meds properly. I'm distraught and feel under additional pressure to "manage" my emotions, not let this effect us. In short, keep it tog. I will be spending every spare moment I have caring for her, and when I get home, instead of feeling like I can fall apart with strong arms around me, I have to keep it tog. 

I wish I had support without that kind of conditionality.

Just needed to reach out.

Thanks for listening/reading

X


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Rubster

I'm sorry to read about your mum, dementia is such a hard illness to cope with emotionally never mind all the practical considerations. I can't answer your question re your husband. But you are right in knowing that you will need support.

You should contact your local Carers centre for support and info/advice. To find where is local to you, go to:

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support

The website can also give info and advice and there is also an online forum.

Turia x

/links


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Rubster,

Sorry you feel that you have no support.  My husband was in the army for 22 years, so to him infertility wasn't a life or death situation, so he could never understand how much I struggled at times.

I am a carer and have just started work in a care home about 6/8 weeks ago.  Dementia is a horrendous and cruel condition.

I agree with Turia, you will need lots of support as her condition worsens, do try and find a local support group or organisation that can help you through this difficult time.

X


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello sweetie.  I'm so sad to hear that your mum is getting worse now, it must be so hard for you to see that never mind have to cope with caring for her yourself. 

We've been there on the no room in the emotional inn, I think that emotional traumas can be exceptionally difficult to move on from and its all too easy to fall back into defensive ways and old coping mechanisms.  I also think that many men can find trying to move on very difficult indeed.

I guess that it's the same as with infertility, sometimes you just can't get the support you need from those you need it most from.  You definitely need support though, so I hope that you can find some with the local groups.  In the meantime, perhaps you can wait until you are feeling emotionally strong enough to have a really calm conversation with your DH about distinguishing between what's happened in the past and what's happening now and that the two are very different so you need a cuddle and some support from him?

Fur therapy is so incredible, I hope that your gorgeous dog is giving you lots of love still xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Thanks everyone, I rally appreciate the replies. Yes, it is very difficult, but I feel a bit better today as I have had a very productive day up at my mums getting all sorts of jobs done. We are in the midst of looking for carers, so I know when we get a live-in, things will be much easier. 

Regarding support, I know that DH means well and does his best, we both have this terrible hangover from the IVF days, he isn;t alone in that. I just hope that one day we'll break even and be in the black again, so that the odd bout of emotional spending does;t leave us bankrupt.

I am actively looking for people/organisations where I can talk to people who have encountered the same illness, I actually have a few friends of friends who are reaching out too, so that's good. 

Lovely to get lots of supportive messages on here too, so thanks again)

R x x x

PS: Molly, has little girlie arrived yet?!?!??!?


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Lovely Rubster, yes I am currently trying to comfort my little 4 week old who has a bit of a cold and reflux I think.  I imagine this being very similar to trying to cuddle a landed fish, or maybe a tiger, she's all arms, finger nails, flapping and head butting, poor little munchkin.

Alas I think it's all too easy to slip back into ivf mode, DH did too when his ex was playing silly games.  He took some bringing back and reminding of the actual issue and not something from 2 years ago.  It's pattern behaviour and all too easy to resort to because it is still post traumatic stress lingering.  I'm a box it away and not think about again kind of girl but DH can't do that at all.  Slowly slowly.

Fantastic that you had a good day.  I really hope that you find a carer soon.  I know that without my fab step dad that my mum would be in a home or with a permanent carer now, as her Parkinson's is late stage bless her.  Make sure that you are taking care of yourself during all of this xxx


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