# Am I being selfish at this time in my life?



## jessica42 (Apr 6, 2009)

Hi, I'm coming to terms with my failed IVF and IUI which happened in April/May.  I would appreciate any advice though as other areas seem to be taking a turn for the worse, I'm not sure if it's because of the failures or not. My partner has 2 children from a previous marriage.  For the last year I have focused completely on getting pregnant, nothing else, didn't go out, no hobbies nothing. It was difficult to accept that at 42, it is highly unlikely/not likely at all to happen. But I am coming to terms with it, i did feel very distressed/emotional/envious of others and so on, but in recent weeks I've been feeling much better and more accepting of it.  My partner is complaining that I am not giving enough of my time to his two children. They are good kids and I get on fine with them, but I've never felt the urge to bond with them really closely. For me, and I think for them also, I'm a kind of Aunt who floats around the place, in and out when they are with their dad. I have suggested in the past that we take them out on a Sunday when he has them at weekends, but he always seems to be busy, or doesn't want to go, so I go off and do my own thing. Saturdays I take my elderly mum out as my dad passed away.  I do chat with his kids and all the rest, sometimes play with them and so on, but I don't make it my no. 1 priority I'm afraid. We have two houses (its complicated) we live in one 3 days a week and the other 4 days a week. I also have two dogs, who I love, but who my partner thinks I put before him!! (maybe I do!).  I and a few ladies from work are thinking of doing aerobics one evening a week, and I have been told that it's all about me, and that I am being selfish, that I can make time for this but not for his kids.  They live with their mother, and my partner and her get on fine also.  I don't have any strong feelings for his children, in a maternal way and I never will as they are not mine, and I can't help feeling that way. I don't have any resentment towards them, but I do need to fill my time a little with things I enjoy, and do for myself. They are well adjusted and have everything they need, and I'm just trying to give myself a little pamper time so to speak. My partner now says I need counselling as I am harbourin  bitterness over the IVF.  I'm not, and I don't feel I need counselling at all - we cant always get what we want, and that's life. Sometimes when I'm on my own, I do get upset and I cry about not having a child of my own to love and care for. But i have never been bitter of others who have children. But they are their children, not mine. Does anyone understand where I am coming from here? I have tried explaining how I feel to my partner but his opinion is that I think only of myself. Thanks for reading this.


----------



## s1165 (Jan 2, 2009)

Hi Gilly

No you arent being selfish at all. maybe your DP is trying to get you to bond with his children to make up for disappointment you have had with IVF.
Everyone needs some me time.

Good luck with your journey

xx


----------



## jane39 (Apr 3, 2009)

Hi gilly

No you are not being selfish at this time, you need time to yourself to decide what you want to do next, I like you gave up a large sector of my life, abandoning it for the sake of ivf, its hard. It stil very fresh for you,  i think everyone has t he own way of dealing with it, i became a recluse, licked my wounds and now things seem brighter... you will get there, one day at a time.

Your dp should be a little more understanding...re his children.

jane x


----------



## angie72 (Mar 16, 2005)

Hi Gilly, 

You are absolutely not being selfish and I know exactly where you are coming from.  My DH also has 2 children from a previous marriage and we see them regularly.  Although I get on with them, there are no maternal feelings as, like you said, they are not mine.  Two years on since my final IVF/ICSI failed, I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a child of my own and having his children around only serves as a reminder of what I don't have.  My DH is pretty understanding and knows that I find being with his children difficult sometimes.  When it gets too much, I just take myself off somewhere for a couple of minutes or a couple of hours - whatever it takes.  In order to get through this, I have to take care of myself first and you need to do the same.  If that's being selfish - then so be it.

One of the hardest parts of all for me, is that my DH is the one person that I should be able to share this, the one person that should understand how I feel - but he doesn't really - he sees his kids every week so he will never understand how it feels not to have any.  Although I do try, sometimes the smile I plaster on when his kids arrive does slip a little.

As step-parents we are often expected to 'love his children like they were your own'.  Well, sorry, but I don't and I no longer make any apologies for it.  They are not a substitute for the children I don't have, they have a mother, they don't need another one.  I try my best and at the end of the day, that's all any of us can do.  I've stopped feeling guilty about what I don't feel or what society says I should feel. I take it day by day and do whatever it is I need to do to get through it.

Go to your aerobics and have fun - you deserve it.

Good luck.

Angie


----------

