# How do you get past this?



## zen (Nov 11, 2008)

Hi 
I have been lurking for a while as I am not really sure where I belong but for the time being think it might be here.  In 2007 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had 'fertility saving' treatment ie not a hysterectomy as I was only 32 and we were only starting to think about kids.  Well the results of the treatment turned out not to be so 'saving' and after a year of ttc we were eventually referred for IVF.  In feb this year we were given the date to start IVF which should have been May but on the same day I was told the cancer was back.  We always knew there was a chance but were told to get pregnant and then it would be an easier decision afterwards.  I love the simplistic view of life we all had only a few months ago.  Cancer treatmetn this year was chemoradiation which means I am now in the menopause (its sucks at only 34).

Am I glad to be alive?  Depends on the day you ask. I dont view my day to day existance as real living, I get up each morning knowing that in a few hours the day will be over and the cycle will start again.  The only emotion I feel is sadness and when I dont feel that I just feel nothing.  Usually thats fine but for some reason this morning I seem to have hit an all time low.  Since the start of this year 8 of my work colleagues have had kids, we have a realtively small team of about 30 and 5 friends are either pregnant or have just had their kids.  In the first week of my treatment 2 friends phoned with their good news.  Last night another texted with her good news and I felt myself shut down.

I tried counselling last year but didnt find it very good.  My DH has stood by me the whole time and we rarely bring it up as whats the point.  We are now the only couple amongst all our friends, there is no 'safe house' to go to, no one to complain to who doesnt think I should be glad I am alive.  Friends tell us they are jealous of our lifestyle but in the same breathe complain about getting fat, not being able to sleep.... I cant remember the last good nights sleep I had, the dreams are almost as hard as being awake.

I know I sound depressed and I probably am.  I just want to know, how do you get past this bit.  Having cancer sucks but the fear of that is now replaced by something even worse.

C


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## Belbs (Aug 3, 2009)

C -          

I am so sorry to hear your story. It is understandable that you are feeling so low and depressed. IVF and infertility is hard enough but with your cancer aswell you are going through such a difficult time. I know you tried counselling last year and didn't find it helpful but it may be worth trying it again. I have had it in the past and really believe it helped - at the time I still felt lost/depressed but looking back on it what it did do was help me to process and deal with my feelings. 

Unfortunately. people around us who have babies don't understand the pain we are going through and I find it terribly hard when I find out that yet another friend or cousin is pregnant. We have just got to hope that one day it will be our turn. Have you considered using donor eggs after your chemoradiation tx? It is a big step and quite a difficult decision but it does provide the possibility of having a child. There is a thread for people who need to use donor eggs which may be useful to find other peoples feelings on this type of tx. 

I really hope you can feel some happiness soon. It is great that you have such an amazing DH who sounds like a rock. 

Sending you lots of best wishes.     

Belbs xxx


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## Bratt (Sep 21, 2005)

Oh my goodness   you poor love, you have so much to deal with.  The only thing I can say is people who have no problem having a family (sometimes even the ones who have had problems and are lucky enough to have their children now) really have no idea whatsoever how difficult it is to cope with, on top of it you have a serious illness too. I wish I had the answer, all I do is take a day at a time, nothing else I can do really.  When people I know start to complain about their kids I just walk away, when they say how lucky I am not to have any I remind them it wasn't my choice, when I get asked 'have you come to terms with it' I say you DON'T come to terms with it, you just have to live with it. I am sorry I couldn't find the words to make you feel better, but wanted to let you know I understand  
Jen


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Welcome Zen!

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling - sending you lots of  

I can relate to alot of what you said though not to the cancer. You have been so brave already, and I applaud you for that.

Life is subjective. Yes those outside may think you should be glad to be alive, but until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they will never know exactly how you feel and the conflict that is going on within you. You know that you are happy to be alive, but you are also grieving the loss of what you and your DH had dreamed of before your diagnosis. That loss is why you feel the way you do - you are grieving so many things.

The fact that your peers all seem to have families, seemingly so easily, seemingly with no conception (excuse the pun!) of how that makes you feel must be compounding how wretched you feel, and you have said that you feel isolated now because there is no one who can understand - well we here on FF are here for you and do understand some of what you feel - and I have a feeling that on this site you will (sadly) find other ladies who have gone/are going throuygh the same thing as you - in fact I am sure that there is a thread for those with cancer who also have IF issues.

Try and be kind to yourself and believe that grief is a marathon not a sprint - you have to go through the stages to get through it. I am in that position too, and like you have good days, bad days, days of sadness that seems so deep, so entrenched that I can never see myself being happy again. I am 41 and time is running out and having been on this IF rollercoaster for 10 years theer are days when I just don't have the energy. 

I know there are going to be better days ahead for you - just try and get through these darker days, and come and talk to us FFs when you feel low and need some   and  

I too tried counselling, and I too found that the counsellor was not of help - but as belbs said, try another counsellor when you feel able. That is what i am going to do when I feel able. For the time being please know that you are not alone and that FF is here for you

Nbr 68xxx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi Zen

So much of the time i just wish there was a magic wand i could wave and all the heartache could be instantly wiped out and we could all have our longed for bfps    

Friends and family never understand our pain and i have found it incredibly helpful having the support of others in the same situation as me. It is incredibly lonely when everyone around us has children or are pg and we all need someone to talk to, to share our feelings with and who can honestly empathise with us 

We do have a board on FF for people ttc who have had/have cancer and you may find it helpful reading other's stories too

*Fertility through Cancer ~ *CLICK HERE

As Zen said unfortunately our grief is a marathon and we do need to go through all the stages before we find that true happiness again. Be kind to yourself, try to plan nice things that you can look forward to, booking a show/concert, a nice weekend away, a day trip etc... buying a box set of dvds for a good series you've never seen, try things you've never done before perhaps like flying a kite, kayaking, etc... I found a big thing was keeping my mind occupied and filling it with new things and experiences. A big plus side of this is that when i see my friends with babies i have so much to tell them and can excitedly tell them how i squealed when i went kayaking for the first time, about this great show i saw etc.. rather than sit there listening to their stories of the lastest thing little Jonny did and feeling like i have nothing interesting to say about my life. A lot of the girls on this board have taken up new hobbies and met people through that who either don't have children or if they do prefer to talk about the hobby rather than their kids 

Another thing that can help are some of the complimentary and holistic therapies for lifting our spirits. I was lucky in that dps mother is a practitioner and so would come round once a week and give me a therapy, she wouldn't say a word and initially i would sob and sob as the treatment would move around my energy and help release so many emotions. Although i felt like a first class idiot for sobbing uncontrollably it really did help and dps mum did in fact confess to me at a later date that therapists do actually like it when they get good strong reactions as it lets them know that the therapy is working.

We are all here for you so any time you need a rant, a cry, or to tell us you're having a good day please do 

Sending you  and     

Amanda xx

PS I know i've made a few suggestions but i also know only too well that when we are feeling so low it's really hard to do anything. My stress over being childless made me agoraphobic and it's been a real struggle to overcome lots of obstacles and get back to feeling happy


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## wobs (May 28, 2007)

Zen
Poor you!  Sounds as if you have been through sooo much.
I don't think I can add anything wise to the posts of the other FF's but just wanted to send you a hug  
Wobs


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## zen (Nov 11, 2008)

Thank you for all your replies they mean so much to me.  I know that time will help me move on and that I will be able to live with this but I think the shock of yet another pg was just too much to take last night.  

I travel alot with work so I am looking to extend my travel to allow a few weekends in NY as thats the best place for retail therapy.  The credit card may disagree with my decision but tough.  

I have also taken on part time accountancy lecturing as that gives me something to do over the weekends and I suppose gives me something else to talk about.  My friends already think I work too hard but when there is no real reason to rush home in the evenings I am happy at my desk.  My two dogs might disagree and currently row over gets to sit on my knee!!! Its just hard that when we want to see friends that we do all the running as theres usually the excuse that 'the kids need to be in bed'.  Its either see them in the day or go to their house and be surrounded.  

Going to get a coffee and some chocolate.

Thank you


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Zen

me again - we have experienced the same thing with friends who have children - we even have one set of friends who went through the nightmare of 4 IVFs and when they finally got pg and had their daughter, whenever they were in the area (they lived away) we were last on their list of people to see - they preferred to spend time with their other friends who also had children because then they could all play together rather than having to organise baby sitters etc if they wanted to see us. We would, if we were luck, get an afternoon fitted around all their other visits.

I was shocked by this change in attitude because of all the people we know we thought they would understand.   we've stopped doing the running when it comes to friends - and for those with young children, we have to just be honest and say that right now, it is hard to be around young children, and we hope they understand - sometimes honesty can avoid hurt feelings - on both sides.

Anyway, enjoy that coffee, chocolate and retail therapy. That is being kind to yourself - good luck!

Nbr68xx


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## Shirley1975 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Zen

I am not sure what to say, this is all new to me too. 
I was just so moved by your posting and felt i just had i say we are hearing listening to you. you are not alone/
Really i just wanted to say that i find great comfort from FF. I pop back here when I am feeling low and lonely, and i know it is strange but i find a belonging reading the postings and i am able to talk freely without feeling i am been judged or been selfish.

My heart goes out to you.
Shirley


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi Zen

My goodness, I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through. What a brave lady you sound. I remember having overwhelming feelings about my own childlessness and there were times when I could not imagine ever seeing a point to life. I have and still do struggle with other people's reactions - in fact the latest announcement was made when I mentioned to some friends that we should start thinking about booking our skiing holiday - my friend just started laughing uncontrollably and eventually her dh had to let on that they wouldn't be skiing as they were pg. I was stunned as they knew our situation! As many others have said, it truly is impossible for those who do not have to deal with such a grief to understand. Nothing, but nothing can take away the pain of childlessness, but there is a way to have a positive life I am sure. Counsellors all have such different styles and it may be that the one you saw just didn't suit you. I don't let on to many people, but in the end I went to see a psychotherapist (sounds scarier!) as I just wasn't moving forwards. She has been an absolute godsend and her approach is very solution focused, which suits me much better. I work in a similar sized company to you and we are mainly women - it is hard as there is always someone that is pregnant. People don't really know what to do with me as there was a time when I couldn't even be in the room when they were all squealing in delight - I used to go and hide in the toilets for a little cry. I think my colleagues are perhaps a little more sensitive now and I have learnt to join in a little more too. You ask "How do you get past this bit?" I don't have a good answer, just to be so so kind to yourself, give yourself time and love and focus on the things that you enjoy doing. Find new things to enjoy and allow yourself to feel everything that comes. Come and see us on this board whenever you are feeling low and you will see that time helps......I have come to the point where I am starting to enjoy other people's children as I know I will never enjoy my own. We moved house this week and I found myself sobbing at the realisation that I was leaving the home where my one and only pregnancy had lived and died - it took me by surprise!
Hoping that today has dawned a brighter day for you and sending you many hugs     
Love
S
X


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