# Child fallen through



## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

The child we thought was ours has fallen through, we are gutted, I'm feeling those same emotions I did every time ivf failed. I sobbed my heart out. we finally after 2mths of passing panel got to see a CPR after seeing 100s of profiles. They like us and we like child. I'm happy. Dh is happy. The SW come to visit us and are here 3hrs. We watch a DVD and feel the day went well. They tell us another couple are to be interviewed and we wait 9days to be told the other  couple are better than us, they have better child experience stronger network and kids with in their closer family. We were also told we need to improve on our interview techniques andrade better answers for questions where they ask how would we manage the behaviour and how would we feel if child didn't bond or attatched with one of us only. Anyway as u can imagine we we both gutted, we never realised how brutal this process is and how in emotional it all, it's our lives and these people don't care about us or this is how it feels.  Is this normal? I just expected to pass panel and pretty much be matched straight away, we are now 3mths since panel and no further forward, look at profiles, look on be my parent, there seems to be no urgency in match us, for us it's been 12yrs of trying soon we will be trying longer thanactually being parents!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm so sorry you lost out on this match, I really do feel for you.  There's no wonder you're devastated having got your hopes up over this baby.

We deliberately picked an agency that didn't do competitive matching, because I didn't want to be in that position, although in the end our kids were placed by another agency who did, and we were left in a terrible situation with our daughter's little brother, who we'd always thought would be ours, and were suddenly told wouldn't be after all, via a third party, and no-one would even speak to us.  We had a huge fight but we got him in the end, but honestly I didn't think we would and we were devastated.  We'd known about him since before he was born, and we were matched with our daughter in part because of the unborn sibling; we were looking for a match with two biologically related siblings.  We were approved again, and had been told he should be home with us quickly, probably by 6 months old, then we were suddenly told that actually, he wouldn't be coming to us after all.  We were both devastated, I had several miscarriages and it felt like when we'd lost our babies all over again.  You're absolutely right that SS don't think about the lives of the adopters they're dealing with.  Some do, but most don't.  SS treat adopters and potential adopters very poorly, because of course they have the power in this situation.  Whilst overall SS need adopters, they don't need any one individual adopter, so it's easy for them to run rough shod over us, without thinking about us as real people, or the consequences for adoption overall in treating potential adopters poorly.

A good "interview" technique shouldn't make a difference to being a good parent, but it does make a different in this situation.  You should ask your SW what she thinks you need to do different next time, it's her/his job to help you.  She should also tell you what other questions she thinks you're likely to be asked by other SWs so you can think and prepare.  It might be worth asking to see her, to get her to help you with future interviews.

I hope you do manage to find your child soon.  It's a sad fact that at the moment, there are a lot of young children and babies in the care system.  Yours will be out there, even if they take a while to find.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi honey!

I feel your pain as we've had a link dissolved this week. It's a horrible feeling, especially when it's out of your hands.

It's terrible that they told you in so much detail why you're not going further. A simple 'you're not right for LO' would have done.

Take some time to feel better... Maybe some wine and choccies too.

xxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Sorry sorry to hear about this, IB, you must be devastated.  Sending you my thoughts and hugs xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Absolutely awful I am so sorry ss are cruel and inconsiderate to us. Often it seems we are a necessity to make the system work but not given any thought or or respect.  Sending lots of hugs x x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

its so hard..have watched people go through this many times  competitive matching is just nasty  
cry your tears, feel sorry for yourself and be kind to yourself and when you've wrung yourself out you will realise the reason this match didnt work is that this child wasnt the one for you..your child is out there waiting and when the time is right you will meet him/her and look at back at this child and realise it wasnt right..dont ask me why one has to go through all this crap for your child to find you but its just the way it is!!!
 
kj x


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Oh that is heartbreaking - I'm so sorry xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

IB I want to send you the biggest virtual hugs I can - I'm so sorry!! It is bloody painful! When we found our daughter we waited 3 weeks to hear anything only to be told we were in a competitive matching situation - we didn't even KNOW about competitive matching! I cried my heart out all weekend. Yes, we got her her, but IB I didn't think we would and I was in pieces, I will never forget the cruelty and agony of a one line email sent at 5pm on a Friday night by our (thoughtless) SW telling us after the long wait that we were 'up against another couple'. Devastated is not the word when no one has ever said that could or would happen as THEY had approached us about her, not vice versa. I sobbed as if my heart would break.

Tremendous hugs coming your way at a very painful time xxxxxxxx


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Hugs xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I am not going down the adoption route so have no idea, but read your post and felt so much for you, i am so so sorry i really am, you must feel gutted.


I read on hear a quote that said "what's meant for you wont pass you by" im sure this is the case.  xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

I'm so sorry to hear this. 

Firstly - the other couple is NOT "better than you"

Perhaps they were a better match and you'll never know the reasons why that is. 

They are not "better than you".  You are the right parents for the right children and they are on their way to you. 

Believe this is true.  Because I know that you'll be coming to us with good news very soon 

Big hugs.  Virtual chocolate, tissues and wine


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Thank you all for your nice messages & cyber hugs. Much appreciated. Never heard of competitive matching before. Why?! I don't get it. We first saw her profile 5th aug, and it wasn't til 6weeks later we finally were told the SW like us and wanna meet. Now a month on we find out about other people. Do u think they deliberately wait for for someone else to create this situation. I feel like these SW are messing with our lives & emotions. Already been ttc for 12yrs and on the ivf roller coaster between 2005-2011. I'm 40 next year it's scaring me I will be too old.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I want to echo what Summer Tilly said, the other couple are not better than you. We had things easy. No competitive matching in our la and Lo's sw didn't even ask us any questions. You are not too old. I was almost 44 when lo came home at 22 months. Most adopters are late thirties /early forties and you should have no problem getting a baby even if it took some time.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

IB I'm loathe to say it but it might be for financial reasons. When it came to our LO they had no suitable couples within their consortium so approached us; presumably another couple rocked up just after us within their consortium. The other couple wouldn't take the second sibling (then unborn and coming to us next month) so they went with us. They told us it cost them 13K .... Yes £13,000, you read that right, to place with us. Now where in the heck 13K comes from I don't know, but that's what they said. Lucky for us they had to place with us but they would have saved the money if they could!


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Sorry don't understand that. £13000 is the cost to the LA?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

From what I have been told £13000 is relatively little.  Over double that has been quoted to me before x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

The children's placing authority pays the adopters agency when a child is placed.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Oh yes financial considerations can form a big part. The second lo we were considered for they had two couples out of area who were very keen. We were approved and told she is yours if you want her. Her BP's were far too close, 30 mins walk and we said no. I think they should of gone with one of the other couples and not even considered us.


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Oh my goodness I never realised such money would exchange upon placement. That's huge money!!!


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

I'm am now thinking this sounds all a tad too political. Crazy! I still can't get my head round competitive matching either.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry to hear your news. It must really sting especially after waiting for some long. You are not second best, not too old, don't doubt yourself, this just wasn't your time sadly   Thinking of you lots   To add to the financial side I think our VA received approx 22k from our little one's placing LA, so it is a big consideration unfortunately for cash strapped services. Wrong but true in some cases


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

It is so wrong! But I do have great faith that the right children find the right families, and I look forward to VERY SOON reading a post from you IB saying you've found your perfect match and you know it's right.....trusting for you that everything will come together in a way you cannot imagine, I know how hard the here and now is xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We were faced with competitive matching too. 
Read LO's profile mid June, got a call to say we were one of three options they were considering and we were to be interviewed. Interview beginning of Aug -told we were the 2nd of the three to be interviewed but the final person's SW was on holiday so we'd have to wait for 3 weeks to find out what their decision was! On this occasion we were very lucky and this LO turned out to be our son. 
The waiting was hell but keep in your hearts that God/ the universe/ fate/ whatever you believe in has it in hand and the right LO for you is there waiting. SWs are not perfect but the majority really DO want to match you with your child and maybe yours just hasn't had their adoption order through yet.  Hugs. x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

IB I echo what everyone else has said. The reason why these this lo has been matched to another couple is because YOUR lo hasn't found you yet but they will...I promise you. Unfortunately finances do play their part, as wrong as it is.
We nearly lost our lo twice, once prior to placement and secondly when he was already placed with us and I can honestly say both times broke my heart. So sending you huge hugs ((((()))))


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Do u think it would be rude to ask our SW if this was the case. And how do we know which LAs are richer and less likely to have finances as an issue. Does each couple have a price?! Ie: we are worth more than another person or is a standard fee for each council. I really didn't know about all this money. I'm just shocked. :-(


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

That's a tricky one IB. I would but our sw would see my phone number and answer with "what have you thought of now....." One other thing I would be asking is which la's are competitive matching. We asked our sw to only consider us for possible matches from la's that weren't. I knew we couldn't take the heart ache of falling for a lo and loosing them. Also,  That way, we knew if we were being considered finances weren't a consideration. Lots of us on here have adopted lo's from la's other than our own, showing that sadly I think it an issue that effect s some more than others.xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I think it's a standard fee per child placed, as opposed to individual couples. Even if your SW may suspect financial issues she will probably have been told the same thing you have so wouldn't know one way or the other. I personally wouldn't ask but I am a bit of a coward at times!! We also asked not to be put forward for competitive matches, I imagine the fallout to be awful


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Financial considerations aren't that unusual, sadly.  

Both our children were placed by a different LA to the one that assessed us.

When we were matched with Wyxling it was on the basis that there was an unborn sibling, who we were told quite clearly, we would have "first refusal" of, if and when a Placement Order was made for that child.  At the time we were matched with Wyxling the LA in question had literally, no adopters at all.  Wyxling was only 19 months old at placement but by the time they actually got round to placing her, they needed to do so very quickly.  There were huge problems in the foster home and Wyxling came with significant difficulties.  We weren't told about any of this, we were left to find out for ourselves during the introductions.  At least some of the problems were known to the placing SWs.  If all the problems had been known about, Wyxling may well not have been considered easy to place, and it would have been hard to do it in the limited time they had available before things became even more complicated, and she had to move foster placement.

When it came to her brother, we had a straightforward case of a baby who was 4 1/2 months when the placement order was made.  After we approved they suddenly decide to consider other adopters as well as us, who were in-house adopters from their own LA.  Initially they made their decision not to place with us without even talking to us, despite the fact we had a biological sibling, and should have been considered first.  They decided we were unsuitable without even reading our PAR. 

Essentially it felt to us that when they'd needed us they'd used us to dump a very troubled child on us with no warning at all to allow us to prepare for what we were taking on, and with the promise of a very young baby to follow, but when they then had an easy to place baby, they didn't want to pay for us.  They dumped us without even speaking to us or speaking directly to our SW.  It was all the SW and her Manager, via the family finder, via an assistant, via our SW, and mostly by email because they wouldn't return her calls.

We did get our daughter's sibling in the end but it took me 6 months and I created a massive, and I really do mean massive, fuss and wrote to a huge number of third parties essentially demanding that our son's SW and Manager come and meet with us, and explain why we, as approved adopters with a biological sibling already making huge progress with us, were unsuitable for her baby brother.  When they finally did come and meet with us there of course weren't any reasons and the objections they did come along with were manufactured, in our opinion, and fully covered by approval panel.  We finally got our son home at 10 1/2 months old, but what is six months here or there for an adopted child?

My cynicism with Children's SS is massive, but to be honest, they still continue to surprise me by their ineptitude and complete disregard for Adopters and often also the children in their care.

I'm sure you will find a suitable match, but it doesn't hurt to take any feedback on board and see what you can do to address it.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Ipswichbabe said:


> Do u think it would be rude to ask our SW if this was the case.


i don't think it'd be rude, i just don't think it'd help. you don't know for definite this was a £££ thing, the other couple may have just had that 'one thing' that made them that much a better match. when we started the process and were told babies were a rarity, we were warned about competative matching and said sometimes it could be down to something as simple as the baby being fair with blue eyes, and one couple both being fair, where the other, one partner was very dark, they'd pick the one that 'looked' the part.

our LA must have loads of babies now though, as we haven't had this happen to us, but i can't imagine for one minute they'd admit it was about money, even if that was the case. and if they did admit it...would it make you feel better? or worse?

i am really sorry this has happened, and the time they took is bordering on cruelty.  i think SS treat us like chattels sometimes not real breathing people. we had a match turned down due to a location issue, that was a three week decision that should have taken about 30 seconds. luckily we hadn't got as far as seeing the PAR though


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

I decided not to ask such a question to our sw.... but our feelings and emotions all over the place. 
We both had our heart set on this little one, that now we find it hard to look at other profiles and dont know what to do. i just wanna cry, all the time, and ive had enough of this feeling, its the same feeling as when BFN's happened. I dont like feeling this way, but i cant seem to see light at the end of the tunnel.
We have now been shown a CPR of a little one and now it seems this one has a sibling, boom out of nowhere reading this a sibling has come to light, and the CPR contradicts its self, on one page to be adopted seperately then next page togther. Confused. Only apprved for 1 child, so if this is the case this could fall thro too, this is way difficult and too hard to cope with. 
Im fed up with people keep asking 'any news' i know everyone is exicted for us, but im fed up with having no news and people then ranting about all those poor kids who need homes etc..... 
We seem to be doing all the looking, and althought our profile has gone out to various LA's no one has approached us, and now feeling like no one likes us.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

IB I am so sorry.  That cpr is clearly badly written and hasn't been checked which is poor.  I am sure there are lots of SW's that think you are wonderful they are just waiting for everything to be aligned right before approaching you  x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi IB,

I'm really sorry you are having a bad time & feel so down. The process isn't easy and your SW should be helping you out more.

I know it may not be what you want to hear right now but 2 months since panel is not very long to wait and it maybe just is your child isn't ready for you yet?!? It's horrid waiting (we were almost a year from approval to LO moving in). We also felt like you did at points after narrowly missing out in Los in our area. We ended up finding our lil guy at an exchange day - and really hadn't thought we would.  

The exchange day helped us as we felt we could talk direct to some LO SWs and even had one SW chase down our SW to see if we'd consider an older sibling group as he really felt we'd be great for kids he was looking to place. That was nice after so many rejections (or just where SWs didn't even get back to our SW which left us not knowing if there was something they didn't like about us or if LO was now matched).

Take your time and let yourselves heal from the heartache from this LO. Then you'll be strong enough to look again and your LO will be desperate to meet his/her new mummy & daddy.

Hugs x x


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Hi Ipswichbabe

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, our SW has said a most LAs will prioritise matches within their area as it is so much cheaper for them, please don't think that no one wants you.m our SW has said things do quiet down now as SW slow down for Xmas, this seems completely wrong but just seems to be the way it is.  As someone else said have you considered going to an exchange day? I went to one recently and I'd have to say there were lots of children's profiles there and it was really good to speak to SW directly, it's a good way of getting yourself known to them and they could then remember you for a child that they have.  Good luck for the next stage and remember the right child is out there for you. 

Xx


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