# Will this ever end?



## angie72 (Mar 16, 2005)

Haven't posted here before but have been 'hanging around' for a while.  Long story short, am 36 now with 3 failed IVF/ICSI behind me (the last one nearly 2 years ago).  DH has 2 children from previous marriage (vasectomy during that marriage and failed reversal since).  Was a poor responder on all treatment cycles, so that, along with the financial aspect, means that it's the end of the road for us.

Why is it that just when you think you're getting somewhere and maybe, just maybe you can cope with this....something comes along and trips you up, and not just one thing but 2/3, all at once?  Does everyone have to get pregnant at the same time?  Exactly how much am I expected to cope with?

When will it all just stop hurting so much?

Have a colleague (and friend) expecting a grandchild any day, another who's grandchild arrived last week and another colleague just announced her own happy news!!  Suddenly I'm working in baby land - is there nothing else to talk about?  Apparently not!  And no, actually, I do not want to look at your scan pictures or photos, thanks very much!  

Why do I feel I have to put my feelings aside to avoid hurting other peoples?  They all know my situation, is a little bit of discretion and understanding too much to ask?  

Thought I was doing ok, but all of this is like a slap in the face.  Now just feeling rubbish all the time and the tears have returned, my denial tactics are failing and that amazing strength I discovered, that I never knew I had before, is beginning to fail me.

Will this ever end?  Will I ever have a minute/hour/day, when I'm not thinking that I am and will remain childless?  What I wouldn't give for 5 minutes when I could think about something else.

Tell me I'm not mad?

Angie


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Angie72,

I'm also 37 and heading in to my 2nd cycle at the end of July.  Before we started this process, we decided that we would do 3 attempts, so perhaps one day in the not so distant future, I will be where you are now.

I wrote this post a few weeks ago, trying to get in perspective about other people's pregnancies and how it impacts us.  Thought it might help.

Dee

****************************************************************************************************
If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy.  I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world.  It is the thing that we share on FF.  

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## angie72 (Mar 16, 2005)

Dee,

Thank you.  It really just helps to know you're not alone.  I'm the only person I know in this situation.  It's a pretty lonely place to be sometimes and your post shows that actually I'm not being unreasonable and this is the only situation where a bit of tact is desperately needed and yet severely lacking.

I will no doubt continue to smile at scan pictures/photos etc and keep any selfish (sometimes nasty) thoughts to myself - safe in the knowledge that I am not in fact alone and maybe one day, I'll find the courage to say 'no, I'd prefer not to see the pictures, it's lovely for you, but it's just too painful for me and I have to put myself first'.

I wish you all the luck in the world for your 2nd cycle.  

Angie


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Ang    I know exactly where you are coming from x...one of my best friends is pregnant again, had her first last March and although I'm trying to look as happy as anything for her it does take some doing...I'm not jealous just wish it was me..she asked me the other day if I'd go to her scans if DP isn't available...whilst a part of me cherishes this bequest another think how on earth will I handle this...


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## Beauty (Apr 23, 2006)

Hi!
I haven't posted on this forum for some time now, but I really want to send you all   because I totally understand where you are coming from. I have to look at babies every day in my work in a nursery and believe me the pain doesn't go away and people just don't get it.  They think I should be over it by now and they don't understand that I am actually grieving for that child I can't have. I deal with incapable parents sometimes and I just want to scream that it's not flipping fair and why me? Why isn't it the the person who abuses her child that can't have them, you know so many emotions just bubble under the surface don't they and then somebody shows you a scan and you just think " why me? Why this? " It's not fair!  Then I sometimes hate myself for what my body can't do  .  I thought I would be better now I have turned 40 but in some ways it's worse!! Anyway just wanted to rant and share with you!  Makes us feel so much better!! xx


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## aruck (Jan 24, 2007)

Hello you lovely ladies , each one of you. 

I am approaching  the end of my journey.  But actually the first time since my infertility began,  this time I fee lthat if our third egg donation cycle doesn't work , it will not be the end of the world. Something has shifted, I have just been through too much pain and feel I cannot go on like this .

I read a book on holiday called ' sweet grapes ' ( as opposed to sour grapes) about 'how to stop being infertile and start living again. I found some of  it very offensive , but the book also challenged me .  It said you can make active decision to go 'child free' ( rather than chidless), even if you have no option of becoming a parent , it's up t oyou to decide on whether you go down childless or child free road , but it's the decision you make that matters . Not that easy to put into practice though ! 
I don't want to upset any one by posting this, but there is much t obe said for feeling in control and I must admit, the book has given me a glimpse that perhaps there is another side  of the tunnel...( althoug it's all theory with me at the moment). 

Don't get me wrong , my heart does go out to you for all of you, who are trying so hard to come to terms only to find you have setbacks and that you are hurting .  It is not a pleasant prospect .


I have joined 'More to Life ' Charity ( affiliated t oIN UK) and get their newsletter . I suggested they start a book group on their forum , to read experiental books written by women who had to give up their drea mof having children , and apparently one of the moderators is lookign into it.  Woudl you like me to let you know when something  starts up  ?

The other thing is - there is a beautiful  rose you can buy . It is called 'child of my life ', to help with the grief process. My counsellor sent me a picture and details of where t oorder the rose , if anyone is interested , please pm me . Whne my journey ends ,  I think I will plant a rose garden ! 

This is the first time I'm posting in this section . Please do not be offended by anything I've written. I am quite excited about the prospect of there being others out there who are trying to accept / move on . For the last 4 years , I've bee nfriendly with lots of other infertile women who subsequently  all went on to fall pregnant . i've eve nset up a support group here in Edinburgh for infertile women , only to find the same happening . Now I'm gettign tired of meeting new women. I've been through too much pain, made decision to stop going to support group and  look elsewhere for support .

Lots of love to you all . 

Andrea


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