# christmas blues



## tattybogle (Oct 23, 2010)

christmas is coming and I am in dispute with my husband as I will not go to his family as I do not want to be around my new born nephew and his brothers as it highlights my sadness and distress at not being able to have a child.I just want to be on my own and am happy for him to go.Is this so very terrible?
My sister is pregnant, one of my good friends has just had a baby, my 39th birthday is on Friday and the 30th is the 1st year anniversary of my grandads death,I work in a nursery so I think that a day away from everything is not so bad.Is it?


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi tattybogle (love the name!)

I don't come on this forum much any more as my situation never seems to change but I couldn't read your post and not reply. All I can say is that you've been through a hell of a lot recently! I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting some time to relax and to start to heal, Christmas or no Christmas. Situations with families can be very awkward, especially at that time of year, so much is expected, but you do need to think about yourself and what will make you feel a bit better, not worse. 

I cannot cope with situations involving young children even now and we've more or less given up trying to make a family by any means. We'd stopped to get a cup of tea in McDonald's when we were out this lunch time and one or two little kids came in shouting and yelling, and I found even that difficult. 

It is just very, very hard to cope with other people's kids when you want them so much yourself, even if they are family.

Give yourself permission to do what you want to do. Hopefully, your dh will understand.

And happy birthday for Friday!   

Rowanxx


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## ElsieF (Nov 26, 2009)

Tatty,


The whole Ivf's process is Really tough. And when you are in the middle of it it is difficult to see if there will ever be an end. 


Maybe your Dh is worried that you will always be this down? Christmas is still 5 weeks away, and it could feel to him like you are planning to be miserable/ unable to cope quite far in advance. Perhaps you could talk to him about  wanting/needing this Christmas holiday to have some time to yourself to get things in perspective etc.? 
I can't imagine how difficult working in a nursery is! It sounds like you just need a break from the world.
It's a shame that it's Christmas, which is usually a time for family    Which is probably where your Dh is coming from ...  Talking about how you feel as being an exception, rather than the norm for the rest of your lives, might help the conversation/ understanding between you?




Unfortunately people are always going to be having babies around you    I found that if I worked out everything I could possibly do, you know: plan A, plan B, plan c .. (Mine actually went to planH!) then I felt a bit more in control and was able to handle these situations a bit better. I felt that I was 'on the way' to having my own baby.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Are you doing IVF, Tatty? If so, the very best of luck. 

Elsie, with all due respect, this board isn't for people who've got children. It's for those of us who've given up, who face the continuing hell of a life without them. We have tried everything that was possible, even surrogacy. Your situation is just not the same as ours and believe me, the approach of Xmas isn't easy for us. 

I suspect that Tatty isn't 'planning to be miserable', as you put it, she just knows it's going to be a tough time. Her husband won't feel the same because men just don't. He probably does want kids and regrets the fact that he hasn't got any but it isn't the same for him. Also, let's face it, men don't have the cruel monthly reminders. 

Being the childless auntie isn't much fun. I can quite understand why Xmas with the nephews doesn't appeal. 

Rxx


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## tattybogle (Oct 23, 2010)

Thankyou for the replies,
I have had ivf it failed, tried alternative treatments and my husband wont even consider adoption.The financial cost has resulted in debt resulting in living with my mother in law and the emotional debt continues. I do not choose to be miserable and am actually quite upbeat especially considering the job I do.My DH is now happier for me to stay at home at Christmas and we plan to have a nice breakfast together before he goes to his sisters. I will not mope but relax and enjoy the day without being reminded about what I do not have.


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## mross (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi Hun,

I totally know how you feel.  We don't even have newborns in our families but we have had top annoy everyone this year and tell them we are wanting to be on our own. I'm not planning on spending the day miserable but don't want to be around people in case we do feel it. Christmas is such a hard time if your still coming to terms with things.  Last Xmas I was finally pregnant with ivf only to lose my baby the following month, the year before that I'd just lost my first ectopic and had my first surgery....all year I've been in ivf treatments....Xmas is when reality hits home and it's tough. So I'm with you, put your foot down and stay home xx


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## tattybogle (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi mross,
I totally agree with the not wanting to be miserable but being able to should we choose to. I am very up front about my situation and this has helped because if I am having a low (most recently when I had to stop my chinese treatments due to cost) allI had to do was say and I was able to work away from the children and it gave me the time to regroup.Xmas sucks because it is so child centric so to anyone in our position allow yourself the luxury of saying no to family invitations and regroup with your significant other.
Much love to you all 
xx


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## tattybogle (Oct 23, 2010)

And so it goes on ......the Christmas plans which were looking good have all gone to pot Everyone is coming here as my mother in law is hosting so although I will be able to be in my own lounge and kitchen I will be able to hear the children and new baby.Maybe this sounds ridiculous  but the other day my sister in law came around to collect some things she left the baby asleep in the hall which is outside my lounge as he was asleep and she loaded the car. The baby woke up and was crying and I wanted to go and pick him up but I couldn't move I just started to cry .I decided to explain to my sister in law in a letter why I wasn't joining everyone for Christmas as my DH's family don't talk about personal things (my family are very open).She says she understands and that her twins were conceived by ivf no one was told and that if I needed someone to talk to she was there.I know this is nice of her but she already had a boy before the twins and has just had a surprise baby boy and I may be completely irrational but she had a child before having to go through the stress that is infertility treatments and I have nothing.I am sorry for the rambling on and I am sure that many people will say I a m wallowing but I really want to move on without having to worry that the sound of a small baby is going to reduce me to a teary mess. Any tips or advice would be welcome I am feeling so low and I was previously doing really well.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

It doesn't get any easier, does it? I am finding the approach of Christmas hard again this year and I've been in this position for years now.
I think you are very brave, offering to host all your family. I can't be around small children, I just can't, it hurts too much, so you're ahead of me. Babies don't cause too many problems but cute toddlers reduce me to a mess, so you're not alone.
Your sil sounds as if she does understand some of what you're feeling, as she had IVF herself but it isn't the same if it was to get a second child (or 2, in this case). Secondary infertility hurts but it's not as bad as having no children at all. 
You don't sound ridiculous at all, your feelings are completely normal. 
Can you plan anything that's just for you and your dh? This is what we're trying to do, so that we do get at least some enjoyment out of the holiday. It might help you get through the big day with your family if you know there's something special waiting. 
As for the day itself, if you don't have to drive to pick anyone up, I'd have a drink or two. I know all the therapists say we have to feel the damn emotions but not at Xmas. We deserve a break from hurt, even some fun, if we can find any.

Rowanxx


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## tattybogle (Oct 23, 2010)

Rowan, I am so sorry that you find it so hard to be around toddlers they are everywhere at the moment. I had to develop coping mechanisms or change my career. Previously I was a nanny and then moved into nursery work. nannying was like being a mum as I was sole charge and everyone always said I would make a good mum which I still get told today by parents at my setting who do not know my issues.I do find a glass of wine after work dulls the pain. I am not joining the family for Christmas but staying in my own part of the house( we are fortunate that we have our own lounge, kitchen and toilet on the ground floor with my mother in law having her kitchen, lounge, dining room etc on the first floor and then bedrooms on the second floor)My DH will join me for parts of the day he actually finds being around children comforting and is a really good uncle I just feel like a failure because I cannot give him a son or daughter. We are visiting friends that don't have children over the Christmas period either by choice or theirs are grown up which is nice. I hope that your Christmas isn't too bad and that you and your DH can find some fun and joy.
tattybogle xx


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi tatty

Sorry you are struggling.  I know exactly how you are feeling as I'm feeling exactly the same myself. I have 5 nieces and nephews all born since we have been ttc. The youngest born only yesterday. I feel anxious and panicky about seeing him and hate what this journey turns you into.  Everyone is going to my mums this year and know it will be crazy with all the kids there.  I know I just cannot face it. It was a year ago on Xmas eve we lost our first baby and this year dh and I have opted to spend the day on our own and have a quiet one.  Sometimes it's just what you need to do.  

I also work with children like you and know how hard this is as well.  It's such a difficult time of year when your family is incomplete. Sending lots of love and hope the day goes as smoothly as possible 

Xxxxx


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