# feeling completely lost



## Haydan

i've stopped going to church, i just cant bring myself to go in there. 
every time i walk past my church the thought of going in there just makes me feel like a fraud. 
i still pray and talk to god and i don't blame him for what i'm going through but i am finding it ever more difficult to keep my faith that he has a plan for me.
i just don't understand why i have to go through so much pain to work his will. 
i've always lived my life to Jeremiah 29:11 complete faith in gods will for me but i'm just so confused now i just cant think straight or see straight i need his guidance more than ever but i've never felt further away from him - i know he hasn't left me but i feel completely lost.


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## Banjo55

I feel as if I could have written this word for word.  I stopped going to church months ago.  It's a small church with lots of families with babies and young children. I found it too upsetting and I couldn't concentrate on the sermons so I stopped.

I feel as if my understanding of God is all wrong.  I feel as though TTC has changed me and not for the better.  It's made me question everything.

At 41, 42 I was still hopeful but now I don't see it happening and I don't know how to cope with that.  We can't afford IVF but we're hoping to raise some money.


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## Haydan

Hi Banjo55, 
How are you? 

i went to church for the first time in about a year last week. it wasnt for a service i just popped in and had some quiet contemplation. i felt i was called in - i had an overwhelming need to go in and while i was there i just felt so much peace - i havent felt that for so so long.
i really believe he was calling me and showing me hes still here for me and still loves me and will continue to help me through all this if only i will rest my trust in him completely. 

im now working on this and will try to get back to regulary attending church again


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## Banjo55

Good for you Haydan. I'm glad you've found some sort of peace.  Your experience sounds lovely.  I'm not there yet, I still feel lost.

I still haven't been to church,  apart from a funeral last month. 

I have very little faith right now.  Faith in myself,  God, people.


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## Haydan

Banjo, give yourself time an space and try not to feel guilty - i know its hard - i always feel guilty but sometimes in life we just need time and space.

will keep you in my prayers


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## Banjo55

Just started going back to church. It's been about almost 18 months.  Today was my third service but I'm not sure if I can hack it.  In my absence there have been more babies born with more on the way.

I couldn't concentrate and found it really hard to sit through the service. I just about held it together.

It was hard to hear the vicar go on about how God is in control  and everything he does is for our good even when it doesn't seem like it. Really? How is going through emotional hell for my good?


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## Bahhumbug

Hello Banjo and Haydan
I too could have written your posts word for word. 
Haven't been to church for about 3 years ever since I broke down and had to leave straight on the dot of the end of the service.
Same goes for home group.
All of home group know why, plus a couple of trusted others, plus vicar and wife.

I tell myself I'll go back sometime but I always have an excuse. In my more hopeful moments ttc-wise I feel like I'd be a complete hypocrite going back in pregnant, like 'o, so now things are working out you want back in, eh? Where was your faith when times were hard!' I know God doesn't work like that, and that the people there are lovely, but that's how I see myself - a rubbish Christian who has abandoned God but still expects Him to come up with the goods for me!!

Let's keep this thread going. I found it really encouraging finding you two 

Will keep you both in my thoughts x x


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## Banjo55

Hi Bahhumbug

I remember you from the teachers thread. I'm not a teacher any more (still kills me to say that) so I haven't been on the thread in ages. 

I've only confided in a couple of people at church about what we've been going through. I don't feel I can talk to the vicar as he's got children. I've reached a point where I've resigned myself to not having my own children and it hurts.

We do need to encourage each other. There must be others on FF struggling with similar thoughts. You're not a rubbish Christian. You're a strong woman with amazing resilience.

I hope all goes well for you this summer. x


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