# Feeling mixed up



## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Last night one of my sisters phoned me on holiday to tell me she's pregnant. Before the phonecall I got a picture text of 2 hpt's saying pregnant. Even though i've been expecting this it still was a shock and feelings that I wasn't expecting came. :-( I felt so jealous that they've done it naturally so soon after getting married even though I am also delighted for them and am excited as the girls will have their first cousin on my side of the family. I feel a bit selfish feeling like this as some people say 'but you've got 2 children, you should be grateful'. I am and I feel truly blessed but I think people forget that we've had 9 treatments costing nearly £30,000, not to mention the years of heartache and putting our lives on hold etc etc. I'm rambling now but just needed to write it down where I know people will understand :-S If it's in the wrong place I am sorry. Thank you for reading/listening. Rachel


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Sending you hug (((HUGS))) Rachel.

If there's one thing I can't abide is being told how we should be greatful for what we have.  Not a day goes by when I'm not greatful for having Iestyn, but being human, just because we've been through so much to have our children, doesn't mean that we automatically become immune from having the feelings you're having.

Rant away as much as you need to - I'm not sure about you, but I find it so hard when I know family/friends close to me are more than likely trying to have baby and am anticipating the news - once it happens, it becomes easier to deal with.  The next stage is the pregnancy, I then hate the anticipation of the birth etc.... but then when the baby arrives, again, it gets easier to deal with.



Sue xxx


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Thank you so much for your message Sue. I feel a bit selfish as I just cant get excited for them even though I love them both to bits and have been looking forward to it happening. I've been giving them advice as they've been trying for a year and were worried it would never happen! My sister is very supportive for me but Obviously can't fully understand what we've been through. It's brought out all those feelings that I try to keep so far inside. :-( I am sure, as you say, that it will become easier as time goes on. Thank you again x x


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Forgot to say, sorry if this is a bit disjointed! I'm doing it on my mobile as didn't bring the laptop away!x


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

You're not selfish Rachel, it's a form of self preservation, so don't be hard on yourself.  I've been dreading my SIL getting pregnant again for the last few years and although my BIL doesn't particularly want anymore children, he's not prepared to have the snip, so think he would quite happily accept if it 'accidentally' happened again - they already have 3 children.  I keep psyching myself up for the day it happens and know that if and when it does, I'll have to go into overdrive mode of pretense!  So believe me, your feelings are so normal but don't feel good, but you definately shouldn't be hard on yourself about them.

Take care hun and give those gorgeous girls of yours and extra big huggle.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Big hugs Rachel I too cannot abide the phrase 'you must be grateful for what you have'- we'll always be eternally grateful but we'll always mourn the 'not being able to do it naturally' and the choice of when being taken away from us.  I have accepted it will always hurt me to hear these announcements, i'm anticipating a friends pregnancy announcement anytime - she recently had a miscarriage but is confident she'll concieve again easily.... I hate this BUT its become my life.....

Be kind to yourself and you are not selfish - just human  

Bev xx


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Thank you both.  I would never cope without ff and all the wonderful people i've met and friends i've made and the support and love I've received over the years. I definately know I wouldn't have the girls as I don't think i'd have had as many tx's over here let alone gone abroad without the support of the site and Ruth.  We are due to start tx number 10 soon which will probably be the last. I am trying not to think about if it fails but as you know, it's hard to be positive sometimes. I know there will come a point where I have to move on to the next chapter in my life. I have to find a way to deal with it as I have another sister and a brother who haven't settled down yet and I know they both want children!    I'm having a good holiday with the 3 most important people in my life, not far from you Sue, in Burnham on Sea! Must get dressed now as the girls want to have more fun! Rachel xx


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## isobel snow drop (Feb 2, 2009)

I feel exactly like you, my sil got pregnant 6w after my mmc- her first month off the pill  I was devastated despite having 2 children myself and I just hate the way other couples can plan their lives (my sil is already planning a third child and she's not due with her 2nd until August) Your feelings are completely natural but you will start to feel more at ease as her pregnancy goes on (well I have anyway)

 

Isobel xxx


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Oooh Rachel, see the sun's shining today, so I hope it is in Burnham too.  Hope you're having a lovely time there, I've not been down there for a few years now, but have had some good day trips there.

Sending you heaps of love,

Sue xxx


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Thanks Sue x

I'm back at home now. Had a wonderful holiday and lots of fun. We went to Longleat for the day while there. What a fab day out! 

This morning my mom text me to say that next Sunday could we all meet up for my sisters and brothers' 30th birthday for a meal. Dread filled me as my sisters' sister in law is also 7 months pregnant. I get on really well with her and know she has had 4 m/c's but I still felt sick at the thought of having to spend an afternoon with them and everyone going on about my sister being pregnant. I hate feeling like this. It upsets me so much. I want to just be able to relax and not get worked up about it but it's so hard   I found myself telling my mom that I wasn't sure what we were doing so would let her know if we could make it. I can't talk to my mom anymore either as she left my dad 2 1/2 years ago and it was all very horrible. I haven't had the same relationship with her since and we used to be so close. My sister in law (Adrians brothers' wife) is great and we get on really well so I can talk to her but I am not supposed to be telling anyone my sister is pregnant! I might just have to do it though   

AAARRRGGGGHHHH! Why does infertility bring so many problems and decisions etc etc with it. 

Sorry to ramble here again. Don't worry if you don't want to reply. You've been fab already. It helps me to write it all down.

Thank you 

Rachel xx


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