# Negative comments from family members?



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hi

I am currently experiencing the most horrendous negativity from some of my family members (on my dad's side) regarding my plans to be a single mother by choice AND being over 40!... I won't go into the details because some of the comments are just too insensitive and ignorant to mention. My mother's side however are very supportive (as are most of my friends). Has anybody else experienced any negative reactions from family/people in this context?  I'm coping remarkably well with it, but the comments regarding my age are really getting to me - e.g "people will think you are the child's grandmother" WTF!! Needless to say I remain resolute in my plans


----------



## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Gaia - really sorry to hear you've had some negative comments from family. People and their judgements! I do wonder if sometimes people get used to seeing us and relating to us in a certain way and when we make a change as significant as this they can't handle it. I haven't had any negative comments from family (they have all been really supportive) but I do have a "friend" who has been horrendous. I was also friends with her mother, who was really delighted when I first told her I was pregnant but I have heard since that she now "disapproves" too. Some of the things they have said: It isn't moral or ethical for me to have a baby, my parents are far too old to become grandparents (they are fit and healthy and 70), I am not behaving in a "Christian" way, donors are in it for the money and to make sure they have as many babies as possible etc etc. When I think of my little wriggling baby and how wanted he is and how much my family is looking forward to meeting him it makes me want never to see these two women again. And when I think of the amount of babysitting I did for the younger one's children... the amount of birthday and Christmas presents I have bought over the years, the school plays I have supported them at, the birthday cakes I have made... I could go on... I wonder what possesses them to be so unsupportive. BUT... that's their stuff. If they cannot find it in their hearts to welcome my little boy, then I want nothing to do with them. I cannot protect him from such negativity for the whole of his life but I can all the time he's very little. 

That's a very long-winded way of saying don't let anyone's negativity get in the way of your plans. Your age is irrelevant. Talk to any teacher or social worker... it tends not to be the older parents that they spend their time with if you know what I mean. I really don't know why people feel they can comment so insensitively on something so important to you.  They have their reasons and if you want to smooth the way for good relationships it may be worth talking about it with them some more but really, I'm at the stage of walking away from anyone who cannot find it in themselves to be supportive.

Good luck on your journey! I'm really glad you are resolute!

Txx


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

gaia
sorry to hear you are having to deal with such negativity
I was (and am) mostly very lucky that I had very little criticism (to my face anyway, who knows what they are all saying behind my back!) 
I had one friend who initially was against it believing that a child should have 2 parents and knowingly depriving them of a father was 'wrong'. That friend was subsequently diagnosed with cancer at the age of 41 (with 2 small children) and it completely changed her - she went from being totally against to totally supportive...I guess she realised life was just too short. Fortunately she made a good recovery and is in remission now.
I think probably best just to rise above it. Where possible, remove yourself from situations where you have to listen to these comments (although I can understand that you may not want to cut yourself off from family entirely). If you did want to enter into the debate then there have been some studies done which demonstrate how well balanced, happy and successful the children of single mothers by choice are (albeit small scale studies and the children are still quite young but nonetheless it all points to a positive outcome) and there are plenty of stats around showing how many women now have children in their 40s...so you certainly won't be alone. I can honestly say that I have never felt myself old/out of place amongst any of the groups I've been to - playgroup, NCT, baby sensory classes etc. Infact I'd say it was the younger ones who were in the minority - the majority of the mums I've met seem to be in their late 30s/early 40s...
Hang in there, am sure when the little one arrives they will change their tune - having a new baby in the family usually melts the hardest of hearts. And if not, remember it's your life, and your happiness 
best of luck with it all,
Suitcase
x


----------



## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi - just to add to what Tommi & Suity have said, when I told my mum what I was thinking of doing she went off the deep end to say the least.  She told me (in writing as well as to my face) that what I was doing was "immoral, selfish and irresponsible".  All her friends apparently all agreed with her.  However, the minute she clapped eyes on my little boy she melted & is now a doting grangran.  When I then told her I was pregnant with my second her reaction was "oh no" to which I ascerbically said " a simple congratulations would have done" and promptly went off to be sick (awful morning, afternoon and evening sickness that time round!).  I guess what I'm saying is that yes its tough to deal with other people's views especially when they are people you think you are close to.  You do also have to remember that for us this route has become "normal" in that we have put all our thinking into it - I actually forget now that other people don't have kids this way!  To others though this route is still so unusual and "out there" that they don't know how to react and don't think about the thought that we have put into this decision.
Hang in there - once you have a little person who is real and not just an idea people tend to either come round and adore him or her, or they distance themselves because they can't deal with your choice.  If its the latter then you don't want those people in your child's life anyway and you will develop a whole new support system which is made up of people who do support you and the decisions you make.


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

There was a very funny thread on here a while ago, called 'Things people say' and it had some excellent ideas about how to respond to negative comments.
The minute these miserable people find out about IVF/SMC or anything else really, they obviously have an opinion, and often think you give a flying fart about it.

Just focus your energies on the nice and supportive people, whether they are family or not, and next time someone says 'people might think you're the grandparent' (!??) you should just reply: 'Careful with such negative comments, or people might think you're an a55hole...'

Stay strong, and best of luck with your next chapter and the little one! xoxox


----------



## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

hi gaia,

i too was in a similar situation with my firstborn. my dad and his are devout jehovahs witnesses. i had split up with my bf (i was 20), met up with him 1 night did the deed and fell pregnant. as a single woman. that phone call to my dad was the worst phone call ive ever made. funnily enough my dad was absolutely fine abput it. his wife, however, was vicious. when he was born  it was a different story. they were both all over him. although i think she was quite relieved when he died. 
my next son was born in wedlock and they absolutely adore him. we got divorced soon after.

then i remarried, and we had mf issues. so we used ICSI.  both were dead against the baby being scientifically engineered and when he was born, they wouldnt even look at him, let alone hold him.  now hes 5 and believe me they cant ignore him any longer and they adore him. i had my last baby 3 yts ago and he was a shock natural - they held him had photos done with him and welcomed him into the family. 
im planning on double donation soon and believe me i wont be telling them how it happened(if it does), i learnt my lesson with ICSI baby. yes i could have cut them out of our lives, but why should my kids miss out on the love and adoration of grandparents. i knew they would come round in the end, cos you cant ignore noisy vocal children for too long. when i say noisy and vocal it is with pride, i love my kids to bits. my hisbands family, however, i have cut out of my kids lives. the grandma (MIL


----------



## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Phone crashed. Mil  has always treated my boys like crap. she wanted granddaughters and doesnt think anything of my husband. loves the rest of her boys just not him. so it follows she wouldnt think.anything of his kids. when we got married, she wouldnt come to the wedding cos she had a hangover!  she has not made contact with me to see the kids and the last time she saw them was boxing day. she lives 3 miles away from us. and now hibby and i have split up, she cuts me dead in town. 

guess what im trying to say is you have to work out, who is worth keepong working on and in your life regardless of comments and who isnt. i knew my dad would come round and grow to love the boys, but i knew Mil would never grow to love the kids and wasnt worth any effort .  my boys are better off without her. 

you will be able to make those decisions in time. and good luck with your upcoming journey, dont ler anyone stop you. its your life not theirs and you have to do what makes YOU happy. life is pretty crap without happiness.

good luck 

jade xxxx


----------



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you for all your replies. It has been interesting reading people's different experiences of this.

I firmly believe that some of my family members are ageist and set in the ways and IVF, aged 40 plus and single really challenges them!!  Tommi you made an interesting point about some people only seeing you in a certain way and when you make a significant change it can completely throw them off balance. Maybe it speaks volumes about them and their own insecurities and unmet ambitions (who knows). I'm trying really hard to stay strong and resolute because no matter what the outcome of all this is at least I've given it my best shot. There are so many uncertainties at the moment and financial constraints, makes me wonder what I'm doing. But, I have to


----------



## even (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm going to throw my tuppence-worth in here . I haven't read all the responses but from what I've seen of them there are some disgusting views out there, and I feel for the good guys involved and send you all a . I could be more diplomatic but I'm afraid life and the reactions of some of my family members have ground me down  

I haven't had any overtly negative reactions from my "family", and I don't think any of them feel negative about it, but they have done other completely disgusting things, the worst of which is chucking me out, which obviously is a total joke. My situation isn't really talked about, which is partly because I'm really not comfortable talking about it except in very specific situations. Regardless of this, there is one person who thinks it's their subject to just mention whenever they want. I can put my hand on my heart and say not one person in the family has actively supported me. I feel like I live with a monster everyday, that just gets bigger (biological clock running out), and none of them give a crap. Just because I don't want to talk about it in "family" groups etc doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate a couple of them saying to me, on my own every now and then "how do you feel about TTC", or rather, not being able to TTC at the moment. I shouldn't HAVE to talk to anyone about it, people who have no problems TTC never have to talk to anyone about it til they're 3 months pg etc, but unfortunately cos my situation's so bad I do need to talk about what to me is such a private thing. I think part of the problem is that getting pregnant too easily has been the problem in our family, rather than the other way round. Whatever the "reason" for people's complete lack of support is, I don't care, there's no excuse for it. What makes it worse is that there are family duties that I carry out everyday that SHOULD BE DONE BY OTHERS IN THE FAMILY WHO AREN'T GOING THROUGH WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERYDAY, but there you go.

What I don't get is, how can you know someone's going through something, and not even bother to put yourself in their shoes, which is what I do all the time. If you just think about my situation properly, and if you love your own kids, you'll start to understand a bit of what I go through.

I console myself with the thought that the truth will come out one day. When I was a kid, there were issues in the family that were hidden from us for our own good cos we were too young to deal with them. When we were old enough, we were told about them and I really appreciate that because I have a right to the truth and it's helped me understand some things. I too will be doing this with my kids, so when the time is right, when they're ready, they will get to know the varying degrees to which people in the family are selfish scumbags and who, amoungst my friends, deserves the credit for getting me through this. They need to know who they can rely on.

It's a time when you have to try and cut out, as much as possible, anyone that's going to stand in your way. Generally my friends have been good but I have had 2 or 3 that have been completely bloody irresponsible, the old "why don't you try and find a man, you've got ages yet you're only young" I'm sorry but have you been listening to anything I've just said??!!!, in fertility terms I am old, how dare you be so irresponsible as to say that, you're not going to be there to pick up the pieces when I'm whatever age, having taken you're completely pathetic unscientific advice, and broken so much by the outcome of so much failed TTC that i'm in fit state to adopt.

Looking on the bright side, it's a chance to find out what people are really like, and at least you know sooner rather that later than someone's a scumbag, so you know not to waste anymore time on them, and more importantly you can protect your children from them better, now that you know who they really are.

sorry for the rant but I was overdue one 
good luck everyone
ev xx


----------

