# Has anyone lost any friends along the way?



## Andycat (Aug 24, 2013)

I had what I though was a very good friend we knew each other well before I met my husband.  Everything was great she told me that she was pregnant back in Nov 2011 I was over the moon for her a I knew that herself and her husband had been trying for a long time to conceive.  We met up regularly during her pregnancy went shopping for coffee etc then when she had her little girl in August 2012 she text to let me know, as you do I sent a card flowers gift for the baby and asked when was convenient to call to see them both, the reply I got was that she was too busy for visitors at present and would contact me when she was available, which ended up being 3 months later.  I visited my friend and the baby in November, where I wasn't allowed to touch the baby which I though was very strange, when my friend left the room to make a drink she but the baby in the moses basket rather than let me have a hold.  I left feeling rather upset, we didn't speak much after that only the odd text to see how my fertility appointments were coming along, and a reply to 1 text was that she didn't know what to say but if I needed her for anything to contact her, I haven't heard from her since January of this year and any texts I have made have been ignored


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## sallyloo (Aug 12, 2013)

I think that your friend's behavior is normal. A lot of mothers, especially new ones, act quite protective of their newborns. You should not take it personally that she didn't allow you to hold her baby. I also don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you do not already have children. I think you should tell you friend how it made you feel and ask her why she behaved that way. I wouldn't allow a simple misunderstanding to end a friendship.


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## Andycat (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for your reply sallyloo but the friendship is definitely over, it was ok for other friends to babysit the baby when she wanted to go out on a motorbike etc then she got the baby christened in Aug this year and I didn't receive an invite


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Andycat,

Just to say you are defo not alone in losing friends  I think anyone who has trodden this awful path will have similar experiences as sometimes the gulf between the fertile world and the infertile is so wide.

It is unusual though that your friend being the one with the baby would be the one to pull away, unless she just feels really uncomfortable that she might be rubbing your face in it knowing that you are struggling to have a child yourself.

I have distanced myself from friends since I lost my fertility, not because they have been particularly insensitive but it has been too hard for me to watch them effortlessly achieve the one thing in the world I wanted so badly which had no chance of happening naturally for me. 

It must have taken a lot of strength and bravery to continue to see your friend throughout her pregnancy and make the effort after the birth of her baby. I hope you are able to find support and comfort elsewhere and that you have your own success soon.

B xxx


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## Clarke12 (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi there,

Sorry you are going through a bad time  

I have known about my infertility for about 10 years and have always been very open with friends and family when they have asked are we going to have more children (we have a 12 year old dd conceived naturally) I learnt to grow a thick skin when people kept their pregnancies from me and left me to find out from other people, or when they were scared for me to be around their babies incase I had a nervous breakdown!   I love children and although its hard to watch everyone else moving forward I love being around children.  Last year my best friend (who is also my sister in law) went very funny and distant all of a sudden, I found out she was pregnant, her and my brother in law had been trying for 3 months, I was happy she was pregnant although a little hurt that she felt she couldn't tell me they were trying as we shared a lot with each other. The thing that ended our friendship was when she told everyone I was jealous and bitter of the fact she could get pregnant and I couldn't i still don't know where it all came from but it still hurts now. My nephew was born in June and I've only ever seen him in passing once and never held him.  Not only have I lost a very close friend but also the relationship I had with my niece and a chance to have a relationship with my nephew. It's sad but I just tell myself that if people can be so hurtful and mean then I am better off without them as friends.  

I think your friend has been unfair to you and if she felt awkward around you she would of been better off talking to you.  If you want to save the friendship maybe call her and arrange to meet up and sort things out.  I can't bring myself to do this with my sister in law and its a shame but that's just how I feel.  If this is how you feel and think you are better off without the friendship don't beat yourself up over it you haven't done anything wrong  

Hope that wasn't to much of a rant and hope some of it helped,
Take care,
Clarke12 xx


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## sallyloo (Aug 12, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear that the friendship didn't work out. Based on what you added, it doesn't sound like this was one worth keeping. A true friend will be there for you even in difficult times like now. Don't consider her a lost friend, think of the situation as a truth revealed. She will look back on what she has done and either apologize or realize she was wrong. In the meanwhile, find friends who are more understanding of what you are going through... I know- that's easier said than done.


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Andycat, sorry to hear you have a friend who has let you down. I think it's quite normal to be protective of a newborn, but a bit odd since you sound like you were quite close friends before the baby's birth.

This journey does tend to leave a few casualties - your dignity, your sanity, and sometimes, some friends as well. My best friend, who I've known for 6-7 years, has suddenly stopped showing an interest in anything I'm doing and can barely have a text conversation with me anymore (we live quite far apart now so can't meet up often). Moving away does that, but I think it's more down to the fact that she admitted she was jealous that I was having IVF. I've never known anybody be jealous of infertility before, but I guess it happens when they think IVF = guaranteed baby. Her husband isn't ready for children yet, so she's jealous that I'm embarking on starting a family.

You never really know what is going on in someone's head. If you think the relationship is worth rekindling, see if she'd like to bring baby to meet for a coffee. If not, focus your energy on your real friends. Friends come and go in all times of your life, it's the real ones that stick with you through all of it.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm sorry Andycat, it is so sad that this happens.  It sometimes feels that the only place that we have understanding and sympathy is from women in the same situation as us, that's why we find these forums as I think that we'd go mad otherwise  

I experienced this too and lost my best friend.  When I found out that my DH's vasectomy reversal results were pretty bad, I needed a bit of a shoulder.  My best friend replied with what do I want to hear, did I just want tough love and to be told to get on with life?  She then sent an email about why I was so lucky to have a dog and not children (a long list of the irritations of being a mum and why I should be happy to be infertile).

We've not really spoken since, she'll never see how insensitive she was or how she'd feel if the tables were turned.  People just don't see it and it's too  difficult to deal with so they are often incredibly insensitive or just avoid it all together.  Women are particularly harsh I think, though I would add on that DH's with existing children aren't too hot either!


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Have you tried calling her or emailing her,  maybe she lost her phone?  Yes,  I lost friends along the way because I kind of stopped visiting all the  'families' and got to old for partying.  Don't worry,  good friends will pop back into your life when the time is right.


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Unfortunately one of the hardest aspects of infertility is the way it dominates every aspect of your life. I definitely lost friends over it, and it has caused lasting damage to some relationships I have with some of the friends I kept (and family).
I wouldn't like to speculate as to the motivations of your friend; you could try and find out what went wrong, but honestly, I think you're probably better off letting it go, grieving the loss of the friendship and moving on.  
There's a well known saying that friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Lifelong friendships are extremely rare and most others come and go as we grow and change and our needs evolve. Please try not to be hurt by this. Whatever the reason behind it, look at this as making space in your life to make friends where you need them.



C~x


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