# Useless bloke!



## Bendo (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi all,

This is my first post so go easy on me  . My Fiancée has damage to both of her tubes and so at the moment we are waiting to hear from Torbay hospital about when we will be able to start our treatment.

I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and whilst I consider myself to be a supportive caring person, it appears that I really am not  .

I think part of the problem is we live 280 miles apart and so we don’t talk about things as properly as we should, and when we do try to talk about things, I don’t really know what to ask and so I often just make things worse by asking stupid questions or nothing at all.

The distance is unlikely to change any time soon either as I have a decent job up here and so can’t really afford to move down there and she needs to be with her family at the moment so can’t move up here so we are only seeing each other once or twice a month.

She thinks I should know what to say and do and so when I don’t ask the right questions she gets very off with me.  If I could read her mind then things would be so much clearer but half the time it is as if she thinks I can when obviously I cannot.

Don’t really know what to do to be honest all I know is that it can’t go on for much longer like it is because it is just driving a big wedge between us.

I just don’t know what do to, sometimes I don’t even look forward to talking to her anymore because I know we will end up having an argument and it will all be my fault.

I just hope somehow we can get through this and be happy.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

1) you are not useless and you do care, otherwise why would you be here asking for help?

2) arguments take two people.


here are some good questions to ask

'How are you today?'
'How does that make you feel?'
'is there anything i can do right now?'

Try and just ask questions that allow her to talk, rather than those that expect specific answers, and try not to try and solve everything! she probably just needs you to listen. It's tough over the phone because it is hard to show you are listening the way you can face to face. unless you can skype or something so you get video. If there is something you want to get off your chest ask her if it is a good time before you tell her, so she has the opportunity to be ready to listen, and if she wants to talk and it's not a good time for you, say so, and have conversations when you're both in the right mood. No end of misunderstandings come about from people trying to talk when one person is distracted by something. 

  best wishes for the tx. 

i've done the long distance relationship thing and it is always tough.


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## lily1980 (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi Bendo - didn't want to read your post and run.  I don't really have any wise advice for you other than continue to be there for each other and hopefully you can find a way to explain to your fiance how you feel and find out what she needs from you. I think the fact you have posted here and are trying to get more info shows that you are a considerate person.  

From my experience my husband is very much a solutions person - typically I go to him with a problem and he fixes it.  The problem right now is there is nothing he can do so his response is often 'lets just see what happens' which makes me feel like he just really doesn't get how I feel and that he is not as bothered about the situation as I am.  I guess all that I am looking for is a hug and know that he loves me even when I am being stressed/sad/fed up.  Because you have the distance factor to deal with too then its not as easy as just giving a hug but maybe sending a wee card through the post reminding her that you are in this together will show her how much you care.  This whole fertility thing takes over your life so when you meet up then obviously you need to talk about it but make sure you also spend time togehter having fun like you would have before.


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## Bendo (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you both for your replies.

I often ask how she feels, however she tends to bottle things up inside so unless I ask direct questions she will just say everything is ok when it isn't. Problem is half the time I don't know what I should be asking so we don't really communicate at all about how she is actually feeling .

I like the idea of sending little gifts and cards just to remind her that I do care though, I guess she will probably like that too hehe. 

Hopefully we will get there in the end.


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## (hugs) (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Bendo,

just read your post sorry to hear that you and your partner are having a few issues, that goes with every relationship. but because your having IVF or whatever treatment coming up, plus the added pressure of your partners tubes being damaged! i think us women do put on a brave face but feel like our partners should know what is going on! even those you cant read minds..lol i think as long as you are there for your partner supporting her in anyway and showing her that you love her and trying to communicate with questions like you ask her a Q then she has to A if you get me, asking her if she needs out doing shopping, running her a bath etc! and the idea of the gift sending is good! i only wish my partner was a bit more supportive   
hope everything works out for you both!!


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Bendo

Your post brought a lump to my throat!  It's so lovely that you've taken the time to post on here to get some help and advice.  That does show that you're not useless and that you really do care and want to help and try and make things right.  Have you had a look in 'The mens room' thread on here?  Just wondered if other men on here could help to give you some advice too?

As the others have said, you are not useless, not at all.  I think it is just incredibly difficult for the man in the relationship as they are not experiencing the same set of emotions - however hard they try, it's just not possible - as my DH says, he'll never understand women's hormones    Sometimes I know there isn't anything he can say or do, sometimes I just need a hug and a reminder that he cares.  Your situation is also a little complicated with the long distance between you, so in an already difficult and stressful situation this makes things a bit more tricky for you both, so the way you are feeling is completely understandable.  I do like Lily's suggestion of regularly sending a little something through the post, just a little card or something to remind her that you are there and that you care - a little 'hug' card would do wonders I'm sure    When my DH and I first got together (he was in Bath I was in Southampton) he used to do that for me and it used to really make my day  

Sometimes there just isn't anything you can say or ask, sometimes it's just about listening and reminding her that you love her and support her.  I'm currently reading a book by Alice Domar called 'Conquering Infertility' and it's really good, you could consider reading that as it explains the emotions a woman goes through but it also give the perspective of the man, so it might help you both understand each other's emotions.

Good luck, and I'm sending you lots of luck that everything works out for you both


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