# Insensitive comments make me cry every time



## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Mother in Law managed to reduce me to tears today in the 1st 5 mins of seeing her.
A woman and her sister were at our livery (horse) farm today. The girl was suffering with infertility about 3 years ago and had a laparoscopy before me. She was lucky enough to have a fertile male and got pregnant shortly after. She now has a 1 year+ old boy.

Today I am walking to my horse's stable near the barn. MIL and FIL are in the barn doing hay and the 2 girls come over to tell them when they will be down to see their horse next. I am standing there unable to get past until they have finished. It suddenly dawns on me that the 2 girls are BOTH sporting similar size bumps. Oh my gosh - I want to run and scream.

I am trapped until they leave. MIL and FIL go on about how extraordinary it is. 
I stupidly say "I gather they are pregnant". Then I get from MIL about how they are 3 weeks apart and it is amazing. I say "some get all the luck".

Instead of just agreeing, my beloved MIL comes back with "well they are a lot younger than you are Hazel"

Well if that isn't enough to make a girl who is already feeling pretty depressed/suicidal most of the time feel like a clapped out, over the hill, barren old bag, with no hope for the future, then I don't know what would?

I wanted to go home and put the duvet over my head. If I hadn't got my friend expecting to ride out with me, then I would have left and stayed in bed all day.

Instead I said "oh thanks" and went to groom. By which time I was crying, and my horse was sweetly trying to nuzzle my face. 

FIL, I think, may have thought that was not nice and came into the stable area - with the excuse to ask me how my horse was, and to tell me how the grass was coming through. He saw my tears and went and told her.
She came round and told me that it came out too fast, and all wrong and she did not mean to upset me. Huh?
Then she went on to tell me to go and see the doctor for some treatment for depression. I asked how old they were - 23 and 25 - I said, "well it is a pity I did not meet someone then, isn't it".

We have been trying for a baby since I was 29. It wasn't a career choice, this. I did not decide not to get pregnant. It isn't my fault. I didn't ask to get an azoospermic male (her son) who refuses to discuss donation.

I am clinically depressed. I know that. But if I have any chance of conceiving in this hopeless world then I don't want to conceive on fluoxetine.
Plus if I ever adopt, a history of mental illness in my notes is not going to bode well.

She has got a new german shepherd puppy last week. Apparently I am its "god mother". I desperately want to see the puppy, but I can't go round there in this state. I told my MIL I was sensitive and just seeing someone pregnant was enough, but really that was an unforgivable thing to say, and I shall never forget it, along with all the other things that have been said.

I now don't want to have a birthday party in 2 weeks (36). I wanted one yesterday. But now I don't want to. I don't want to remind myself how old and clapped out I am. I might as well give up now. Why strive to survive another 30/40/50 years feeling like this, feeling more alone every year.
Hubby has gone off all weekend to enjoy himself with his mates, promising to be back each lunchtime, but hasn't.

Don't worry, I won't do anything to myself. I still have a sensible side that has a tiny bit of hope, and it would destroy my Dad. I could not do that to him.

I just don't know where to turn to for support. My close friends all have babies, my parents in law do the above to me, my dad is a long way away and doesn't know what to say, and my husband couldn't care - all he cares about is his ego. It is ok for him anyway, as he had a child 12 years ago with someone else.


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Hazel

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone and down at the moment. I have been there along with many others and let me assure you that you are not alone. At times like this it doesn't matter what anyone says it is the wrong thing because dealing, accepting and moving on is a very difficult thing to do. I was in the same place as you back in January, I was eventually signed off work for 4weeks and then took an additional 1 as leave. I was offered anti dep but knew that this was a pain and grief I had to face, not block out. For now don't worry about what will effect the future, just concentrate on helping yourself now.

After I went back to work I signed up for one of Maggie's workshops. I can't stress enough how helpful this was. To meet other women in the same place as you and to help each other whilst in a safe and well facilitated place is a godsend. You mentioned your partner is azoospermic. Mine is too, he has a condition that meant he was born without a Vas Deferens. It was ICSI or  nothing for us. We did 2 cycles but deep down I knew it was never going to work. At this point I decided to stop as the drugs were turning me into a crazy person who I didn't like. It has been 9 months since my last BFN and whilst I still get bad days, life is alot better. Keep talking to us and let it all out, we will hold your hand and give you some tips to getting through it. Try not to take on other peoples comments, there really is not a right thing to say to us especially when feeling raw. Try to look at the love and successes in your life (good advice from wise old Maggie Mae) and take some time out to relax. Even if it means letting a few people down. Please know you are not alone and keep us updated.

Lots of hugs
xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Hazel,

I but wanted to say how I felt for you and to endorse Yamoona's good advice.

I have 2 horses, a lovely older mare (23) who I bought when she was 18 months, and her daughter, now a 7 year old. My lovely mare helped see me through the infertility and treatment years and her daughter, who is very sharp but also very loving, has been a focus for my energies during the moving on time. I hope you can find some similar comfort and joy from your horse. 
I know it is hard to see pg people at the yard, just where you go for relaxation and enjoyment, but at least up there you can go and bury your nose in your horse's neck and maybe go off for a good gallop, whereas in the supermarket and other such places it can be dificult to know what to do with the tears that well up can't it? I remember just after my last IVF which ended in miscarraige no 7, I was stealing myself to talk to an enormously (and accidentally!) pg horse owner about to pop. I was doing quite well till a "friend" who knew why I had recently stopped riding walked up and said "Well hello the most pregnant woman in Britian!" I muttered "and the most unpregnant!" and walked off, leaving everone concerned feeling awkward, incuding me! 

When family are insensitive it can be very tough indeed (my mum is a champion at insensitivity!) but at least your MiL made some sort of apology.

I do promise that it gets easier to deal with such situations as time passes, but first you need to get through the anger and grief that often follow infertility issues. From the age of my older horse, you might guess that I am getting on a bit! Well I am much older than you and my goodness I felt ancient at 40 which marked the end of the fertility tx line for me. Years on I feel younger than I did then as my depression lifted and the IF feelings became less raw.

You may want some support, so keep coming here, the ladies on this board are fantastic! You may also want to try private counselling or marriage guidance from Relate. This kind of help would not go down on medical records. Also, if you do adopt, I think that the adoption agency would expect to hear that infertility had been a difficult time and would probably think you had done well to make sure you got the support you needed. I think they would want to know that you know when you need a bit of extra support and how to get it. (But do check I am right if the time comes you look into this in more detail.)

I hope you are feeling a little better today. Meanwhile, stay in touch,

Love Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Gosh - if your MIL was a ninja warrior then that would have something to boast about - to make someone cry in 5 mins of meeting them. But she isn't - she's supposed to be supportive. I'm so angry with her for being such a stupid cow and making you cry! I guess she did apologise, which is something. I can't say anything that is going to make it better - but I do know how you feel. I'm ahead of you in the fluoxetine stakes - I ran out of excuses not to try them and finally agreed to giving them a go. And they have helped. I think of them as a short-term thing. Kind of like an 'emotional holiday' and then I'll come off them. Sometimes we need a little help. I was getting hysterical every month and - like you - was very close to tears most of the time. Although taking the Prozac hasn't made everything suddenly better - it has helped me to cope a bit more. I HATE being on them - and don't feel myself. But I've given myself 6 months then I'm coming off and I'm hoping I'll be feeling a bit better by then.
You are not alone - we are all with you and we'll stay with you through this. And of course your horse is there for you. Animals are amazingly healing. They are just 'there' for you without having to say a word.
Bernie xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hazel, 

Sometimes the world just doesn't get how this feels. Most of the people are so terrified of what it might feel like to be us, and are so challenged by our situation, that they do nothing other than make stupid comments 24/7. Even more bizzarely, our families, who should be the most supportive, are often the people causing us the most pain. That is certainly true in my case and in the case of many other involuntarily childless women I know. 

Yamoona calls me wise - not sure she's right! - but I would say that being in this [email protected] situation calls on you to face yourself in ways not necessary at other times in your life, and is a challenge to locate sources of strength you would not have otherwise known you had. And I have absolute faith that you do have such a source within you. In the mean time, be gentle on yourself while you change. Is it also time to tell that hubby of yours how your feeling? (Feel free to ignore this suggestion, as I don't know so much about your circumstances, it just seems that there's stuff he's not aware of that is driving you nuts....) 

You are under no obligation to spend time with people who hurt you with insensitive comments - like you, I met my hubby a bit late and will be turning 36 in a couple of months (my signature will tell you my story) - and trust that the women here know that you didn't choose this, even if other's can't see that....

Keep posting, keep ranting, take time for you.....

Big, big luv, 

MM xxxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Hazel,

I am so sorry you have had to deal with insensitivity as well as everything else. So many people just don't think before they speak (not an excuse, I know).

I noticed what you said about not wanting to take anti-depressants, and I completely understand your reasons, but I thought you might like to know that taking them (and the fact that you have depression) will not affect your chances of adoption should you decide to pursue that one day in the future. What I have always said to people in this situation (and there are many, you are really not alone) is that the thing social workers look for when assessing you is your ability to deal with the problems that life throws at us. They know that bad things happen to everyone at various points in their lives, they do not judge you on those, rather on how you handle them. Recognising that you have depression and then taking steps to address it is a positive, not a negative.

Take care and look after yourself,
Lots of love,
Solitaire (another - much older - Gemini!)
xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

You make a very good point about mental health issues there S, here here! I'm not taking any anti-depressants at the moment, but have done previously (alongside counselling as my personal belief is that that is the best way to use them) and they have really done the job - it is surprising how much physiology / brain chemistry has an influence on mood and coping capacity... They can effectively kick start recovery....

Good luck H finding your answer, and rememjber we are all always here,

Love, 

MM xxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Thanks for the support.
I really appreciate it.
This week is tough.

I was told by someone yesterday (who knows my situation) to "cheer up and have a birthday party, you are not a grandma yet you know" 
I said " I am never likely to be either, am I?" She realised what she had said at that point. NO they don't get it!
I have just found out today that someone I find difficult at work is also 17/40 pregnant. She is going to be around the office with all the congratulations that entails for the next few months. It isn't common knowledge yet, but I was told by someone kind, quietly, so that I did not find out at a bad moment.

Tomorrow I have to go to an appointment about my ankle and decide whether to get metal pins taken out (broke and dislocated it seriously it last year by just tripping over - another big issue that has caused me to be depressed and in pain).

I also have to phone up my husband's urologist's secretary and see if the referral letter that she promised 2 weeks ago has been sent. She promised to phone, but hasn't and now I feel like I am nagging.
A consultant at Chelsfield has agreed to look at my husband's biopsy report with an embryologist to tell us once and for all if there is any hope of trying ICSI (she did not seem too positive given the terrible diagnosis of testicular failure - it is our last bit of hope - that I am hanging onto with a thread)

Peace to all, and thanks so much for the replies. Knowing you people are out there, who understand it properly is such a comfort.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Hazel,

I am glad you have found some support here. Keep coming whenever you need it, and let us know what happens about ICSI.

It is also good to hear that at least one person in your workplace knows how difficult this is for you and has forewarned you about the news of your colleagues pg, so you can be prepared. I imagine that somebody with this sensitivity will be there for you when the office celebrations get a bit too much to bear while you try and do your job.

[email protected]*mn and double [email protected]*nm the person who made the grandmother remark. Some people eh!

I am sorry to hear about the problem with your ankle, I hope the treatment lessens your pain.

How is your horse? 

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Hazel

I'm really glad you felt able to post here, although I know its heartbreaking to be feeling the way you are at the moment.

Sometimes I wish I could zip up other peoples' mouths when they start spewing nonsense - I've had the comment about me being a grandmother too one day - erm... how I don't quite know as I don't have any biological children and never will... the comment was made quite seriously to me by a group of friends and I had to point out that it was mission impossible as I never made it to motherhood - the penny dropped then!

I hope things are going to be gentle for you at work, its so hard to deal with other peoples' pregnancies when we feel so raw inside ourselves. I also hope your MIL loses her voice for a while...  

Big squeezy hug winging its way to you my lovely. Keep sharing with us here, we understand where you're at!

Love,
Emcee x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Oh hazel- i had to reply to this. i completely understand why you are upset.I empathise with you i think as like you i started ttc at 29 (now 36 as well!!!) My dh also has a dd from a previous relationship (now 16 - although i have lived with her since she was quite young). We were unexplained tho and that really didnt help.

I suppose at least your fil came and tried to make amends. But does your mil realise it is dh the issue is with (maybe then she wouldnt mention your age !!!)My mil and fil dont know about our issues as dh didnt want it discussed with ANYONE which also made me feel mad/ sad/ alone at certain times. The lucky thing for us was that his parents didnt really pry as dh's other bro and wife are married even longer with no kids.We finally did iui x2 as we felt all we needed was a push in the right direction.They failed and dh didnt really want to do ivf (was annoyed at him at first but fell apart after iui and didnt really know if i could cope with it all either).

Finally last year after tests for miscarriage (possible but inconclusive!) and being told my fsh was rising and clomid wouldnt help we called it a day (without really saying thats what it was). I managed to finally chat to my sister about it all (had previously only told a good friend) - my sister got married last year and is 35 so that will be hard when i hear she is pg but i DO feel stronger than i was 2 years ago.I have also gradually told a few more people (who i feel i can trust about my battle ttc- didnt tell dh i told them as i know he wouldnt really want me to, but it helped me deal with it better -maybe by just verbalising it all!?

I will never forget however that feeling of loneliness and getting upset every time i saw a pg woman and how many arguments i had with dh over it all, so dont worry you are not alone there.It was the worst time of my life  Have you any more plans for treatment? 

Please pm me if you need a shoulder. I am usually online during the day xxx


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