# Feeling Bitter and Twisted!!



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

OK, self pitying rant time.   

Just received our postbox from DS' BM and it has wound me up more than normal.  As usual she enclosed a Xmas card and birthday card but this time she enclosed a short note.  She sees DS's 3 older half brothers who live with their Dad and has always signed the cards from her and the boys but now she has just had another baby and it has left me feeling all bitter and twisted.  Not so much because she has managed to give birth to a 5th child, obviously something that I've never managed to do, but more that at some point we will have to explain to DS that she's obviously managed to pull her act together enough to have another child when she couldn't do it to keep him.  Added to which she signed the note, "missing you loads, lots and lots of love".  We are the ones picking up the pieces of DS's traumatic start to life in her care and yet she acts as if we are just some aunt and uncle who are looking after him for a bit.  

I know it is a self protective delusion on her part and that we are DS's real Mummy and Daddy but as I said at the moment I am feeling bitter and twisted about the whole thing.

Anyway I know that I can vent on here and you will know where I am coming from so thanks for letting me rant.

Cindy


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Just wanted to send you a big   Cindy - totally understand your feelings! Our DD's BM decided to totally ignore the contact arrangements and to send them both birthday cards & Christmas cards at the beginning of Dec - depsite contact being agreed for Jan!!! (and I have to say i wanted to   our SW for letting her do this!), really wound me up - if she can't stick to the agreement already I dread to think what is to come! And now I'm trying to think about what to put in our letter to her which I need to do this month...   (all suggestions welcome! Am thinking I'll write about how they have settled in and how they are growing up so quicklyand what they like to play with - their kitchen and my shoes mainly!   )

The way I've decided to cope with it is to remind myself that BM can send as many cards as she likes but that I'm the mummy who gets to spend every day with my daughters and who loves them for every second and who gets all the pleasure - in a way I feel sorry for her that she is missing all of this (though those feelings only last for a nano-second!)

Sorry - I'm ranting a bit too!   
take care honey
S
xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Firstly big  to you

Also remember agreements aren't set in stone and we say when and if they happen  

We had incident with birthday cards in Sept that really set back K and we werent happy as contact has already been agreed and that was not it! So at christmas sw asked if nan could send gift etc and we said a firm no as this is not the agreement and is giving K and her mixed messages. If you dont agree with the content of the letter that she has sent then pass it back to sw and advise that it isnt acceptable to you and people need to be reminded of the content etc when they write the letters 

x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Cindy

just wanted to send you a big ((((HUG))))

So far we haven't had letterbox, its mid year, but I am not sure they will stick to it.  We have DS's birthday before then so I guess we will see.

Love
OT x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Oh Cindy - have a hug.  

I think we all feel a bit 'bitter and twisted' about our childrens Bps from time to time.  Especially when we glimpse at how they might have been if they didn't have such loss and upset in their early lives. Such wonderful children that for no fault of their own, carry the 'weight' / scars of being LAC.  Letterbox doesn't help that feeling does it?  We have agreed to 'theoretical' letterbox in the future but it will be solely for the future benefit of our DD and not to make the BPs feel better.

We have no idea how many other sibs are out there.  We know of two who are each placed in separate AFs but we think there might be a fourth or even a fifth out there by now (given the track record).

Magenta x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Cindy

Massive massive hugs 

I have to say that i kow Our LA read the letters first before sending them out HOWEVER we did get a reply to our 1st letter last year and i found a few bits which i dont think should have been in there however let it go however now we have legally adopted them then from now on we will fight if needed!

Do you not get told that BM has had another? maybe get in contact with your LA about this as its a shock for you which you dont need

YOU AND DH are his mummy and daddy and its hard cos the letters do make you feel bad as its yet another reminder of our babies past and how they werent treated the way we wanted them to be

hope this makes sense

massive hugs

M J
xxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Thanks for all your replies.

MJ, no we didn't get told she had had another child, I doubt they even knew.  I will ask if they have any more info because it will  make it easier to explain to DS if I have more facts.

I've calmed down a bit today, unfortunately because of his attachment issues his relationship with us is not as secure and straightforward as our relationship with DD and that makes me sensitive.  However I am the one who was by his bed at 3.15am stroking his head because his sister had woken him up.  I'm the one who took him for a walk today and made Postman Pat cakes with him.  Whatever happens in the future I've shared these moments with him not her.  He is our son and always will be, we are the ones who have shared so many first steps with him and will be the ones to guide him to adulthood.  At the moment all she has is a biological link and although they say "blood is stronger than water" I think it is our shared lives that count.

Thanks again ladies for your support, I knew I could come on here and freely vent my feelings and you would all know what to say.

love
Cindy


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Cindy,
Iam sorry your going through this, it's all starting to sound like a common experience to me! I agree with all that has been said we have had alot of problems with contact so I feel very strongly about it! We now stick to the agreement and wont accept anything outside of that. I have accepted things I shouldn't have in the early days but no more. We are our childrens parents in every single way other than we didn't give birth to them so what we say goes!
Love JD x


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## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

I was going to say, where you have said " she has given birth to five, something I have not managed to do " - I know how you feel - and don't get upset - remember this is ALL the BM can do - churn out kids - there are many people like this, unfortunately - many of whom never have their children taken off them any way and just mess their kids up for the future.  So take heart, you sound like a great mum doing a fantastic job and your little boy is lucky to have you and to have so much love.

I get very upset about the contact thing - we haven't even started the adoption process yet and already I get upset about it!  In some cases I don't think it is always best for the child, seems it can be very disruptive and create insecurities - but that's just my opinion and at the same time, I thikn the child should always know that it's adopted etc - but anyway I digress.  just wanted to post!


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