# support needed ladies will be telling my dd she is de this weekend



## goody (Mar 23, 2007)

Hello ladies
Would be grateful for some support. I have finally reached the position of strength to tell my DD that she is DE conceived this weekend she is 4 1/2 years old this has been a real journey for me as initially had no intention of ever telling, but have gone through a process by which I have changed my mind. I was going to wait until Easter but my daughter has been receiving comments about her olive skin at school (she is DE conceived from Spain) we live in a very white middle class village and I feel that now is the right time before momentum is lost with the questions she is asking. We had an upsetting day last week at gymnastics (my daughter initally wanted a different coloured leotard fron the standard one and wears red instead of blue) it was her choice she is very independent and she was happy with this but came back upset as wanted to look the same as everyone else she had already worn it for 4 classes so thought this was a bit strange. I couldnt work out what was going on until the morning (this was obviously the route of it) she said mummy charlotte says I have the same skin as sarah (sarah is mixed race her daddy Indian) is it true mummy? I told her her skin was lighter but it was different to charlottes and that it was lovely as lots of people would be very envious of her when she was older as wouldnt have to sun bathe or colour her skin with fake tan. I told her how beautiful she was and felt the urge to tell but knew I had to wait till the holidays. I know this is the start of it as this will continue to happen to her throughout her life, Iknow it is the right thing to tell her, i feel very nervous and sad and also really resentful living in a village where this kind of thing happens I am always asked where DH is from and when I say he is British people try to pursue this to see his ethnicity (he is white british) I have even been asked by one particularly horrid character if I wasnt worried that my husband might have thought I had had an affair! Needless to say I havnt spoken to that person since. Suppose I feel scared that once this comes out there will be lots of gossip. I am more worried about whether this will affect DD in such a small community. 
Any supportive words would be great

Goodyxxx


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## spooks (Oct 11, 2007)

hi, sorry i can't reply fully to you at the moment but have you looked at the 'talking and telling' booklets from the donor conception network (dcn). they have a website which is really useful too 
hope it goes well


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Goody,


    I also live in a predominantly white, middle classed area and have a DE conceived daughter whose skin is noticeably darker than the rest of our family. Unlike you, I have always been open about the nature of her (and her siblings') conception - a route that is not necessarily right for everyone, but was right for me.  I have been amazed at how many people have come forward over the past two years to tell me that their children are also DE conceived.  One of my neighbours, another family further up the road, a friend of one of the families at school...and two donor egg conceived children in my son's year!  Moreover, I subsequently found out that a friend who used to live in the same road as me had donated embryos and the recipients are now blessed with twins.  I didn't know of any of these families' stories until I mentioned our own circumstances - and I've known some of these people very well for years!  The midwife that looked after me had looked after two other DE conceived families in our town of 6,000.  (Both apparently conceived in Spain).  I'm not saying you will experience the same turn of events, but equally you might be pleasantly surprised.  As for gossip...I'm sure you will be a five minute wonder, then everyone will turn to the next bit of (non) excitement.  To my knowledge, my son, who is nearly 7, has yet to be ribbed or bullied about the fact that he is donor (sperm) conceived.  Who knows if or when that will change.  I hope your day for telling is a hugely positive one for your whole family and that all the stress and worry you feel at present melts away as time passes.  Wishing you lots of luck.  


A-Mx


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## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

I would get some books for her to read before just out rightly telling her. Let it sink in with the books first as it might come as a big shock if you suddenly spring it on her. Good luck


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## goody (Mar 23, 2007)

Thank you so much for your replies am feeling much more positive last minute jitters really. I have a lovely book by carmen martinez that i feel she will resonate with and got some much needed pep talk from dcn today. Good luck to everyone on this journey x


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi, i just wanted to give you a big hug and say ' good luck'

Like the earlier poster ( sorry on phone so hard to read back ) i have always been open. I have had lots of positive feedback from people and i think people are interested in others stories - prob why soaps so popular . 

I agree you are likely to find that some people will ask you a lot of questions - some likely unintentionally invasive and possibly offensive as people who haven't experience of donor conception dont have the language to express things properly iykwim. i'm sure it is ignorance not malice. i've not experienced much myself.- in fact cant think of a single example atm  

I'm sure your daughter will be fine. She is young enough to adapt, and will thank you in the long run for being strong enough to give her the truth about her origins.

Let us know how you get on. Big hugs. X x


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## goody (Mar 23, 2007)

Well ladies
I was brave enough to approach the subject this weekend. The book was a wonderful tool and DD loved looking at the pictures of mummy, daddy and little girl rabbit. I told her that this wasnt just a story but her special story and asked her to identify which of the rabbits was each of us. I also changed the story a bit to say that I had never met the lady rabbit that gave a seed to me as she gave it to the Dr Rabbit to help me. She liked it so much that she asked me to read it again. The second time I wasnt so nervous nor fighting back the tears. DH put his foot in a bit as he said its our story and we should tell anyone at which point I quickly turned it around to say no darling this is not a secret of course you can tell people it is just private as we wouldnt go out in the street and show our knickers we dont need to share this with everybody just who we want to. She has asked no further questions and think at this stage it is just going to gradually sink in and the questions will come as and when. I definately feel a shift in myself now almost like ive lost a lot of fear, it was a massive relief.  I even managed to tell my sister this weekend who was very supportive. Wishing everyone lots of luck on this journey. Thanks for your support

Goody


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## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

well done goody    Sounds like its the best thing for you all. 


I was thinking about when DS goes to school, that i will speak to the head mistress about his story in case he suddenly starts going on about sperm, kind men and eggs


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## wehavethreecats (Feb 12, 2012)

hi goody
i just came across this thread today and was eagerly scanning through to see what thoughts people had shared with you and of course how it went when you had your first conversation with your daughter.
It sounds like you managed it beautifully - so well done - a proud mummy moment i hope 
I am a long way behind you in terms of even having a baby (or two!) in my arms, but your post was so powerful in bringing forward all the questions which may/will be asked of me, DH and the children in the future.  I did wonder (a bit like Mighty Mini) if you would get one of your DD's mum's friends aside to tell her so that you would have another adult in the local area who could support you and DD, but it sounds as though that is redundant. 

I've been wondering about making up my own little story book.  You can self-publish books via websites now (i made my mum a cook book for xmas of all her favourite recipes - complete with photos etc) and i did think we could make our own story about our babies, our donor and DH and I, and have in all the pics of us as a couple as well as the babies as 4-cell embryos. Of course the last page would be a pic of DH and I with our new babies in summer 2013   *grins*  Has anyone else done that?  

(ps. laughing Mighty Mini at the "sperm talk")


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

So glad it went well. It will get easier with time and you'll feel less silly ( at least i did. I felt silly and emotional first few times i spoke about it but less so now )

Re the book idea meant to do it - just never have the time. I took lots of photos of istanbul, cyprus,  clinic etc and we look at those which the kids love. 

X x


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

Glad it went well Goody   


Re books - I made a book for DS for his first birthday that tells the story of how he was conceived. I used a scrapbook, wrote in the words using the DCN's "My Story" as a basis, and stuck in lots of photos. Starting with mummy and daddy living together before he was born, a series of photos of mummy's growing bump  and finally photos of both of us with newborn DS. He loves reading it and seeing all the pictures of himself


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