# To start IVF or not?



## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Hi,

Ill try and keep this short. TTC for 3 years with no luck. Had tests, wife has blocked fallopian tube. Only option now is IVF.

To me, this means that we can still have kids, just not the old fashioned way. I want to try IVF, but my wife doesn't want to and has resigned herself to staying childless forever. I think she thinks that if it doesn't happen naturally, then we were not meant to have kids.

If we are going to start IVF I want us both to be 100% on board.

Can anyone offer any thoughts on why my wife may feel like this? Is she just scared of IVF? It seems odd to me for a woman not to want to try something which may give her what she wants.

To be honest if we end up never having kids then I still want us to be together forever, kids are a bonus. I only wish I could understand what my wife wants. I just need to know where I stand. 

I will talk to her of course, but wanted a third persons perspective.


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

Perhaps your wife doesn't want children as badly as you thought?  Maybe she would be happy to have them if it happened but doesn't have such a deep burning desire for them that she's prepared to put herself through IVF. Or maybe she is scared you won't know until you ask her.

I am pretty sure she will be scared most people are, it is a massive big deal and unfortunately it is a much bigger deal for women than it is for men because of the fact that the whole clinical process if focussed on the women pretty much and although the men are emotionally involved the sum of their physical involvement is minimal.  Do not underestimate how demanding physically, emotionally and financially having IVF is and although it can provide a pregnancy at the end of it, sadly in an awful lot of cases it doesn't.  Success rates in IVF depending on your age, medical condition etc is only about 30% at best so that's 70% of people who go through it and don't get a good result at the end.  Many have to go through several cycles of treatment in order to get a positive result and that is extremely testing on both parties but particularly physically for the women.

I'm not trying to put you off I just want you to be realistic about what you are getting in to and to understand why your wife might be reluctant.

Amanda


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I am really sorry you are at this crossroads and Amanda has given an excellent explanation. The IVF process is not an easy one and should never be taken lightly.

For me it was different, I wanted to do the IVF and my DH didn't. As much as I loved him, I couldn't go through life not giving it a shot and I was honest with my DH that if he didn't want IVF, then we would have to part, as not at least giving it one attempt would make me so unhappy. It is strange, as you always talk about having children, but you never seem to talk about what if it can't happen naturally.

Luckily my IVF worked and we have a son who my DH adores and wouldn't be without. Maybe your wife needs time?Could you not get her some information on the process of IVF which she can look through in her own time? Sometimes we are scared of the unknown.

I wish you lots of luck.

s


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Stacey,

Your DH was reluctant but you did eventually go ahead. How did you get him to come round to the idea? What if he turned around and said that you should part as he doesn't want to try IVF?

As you said you always talk about having children but never about what if it can't happen naturally.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

He just knew how much having a baby mean't to me or at least try to have one.  We spent a lot of time talking and it turned out he was worried that I would want to keep on having IVF treatment until we got a child and get thousands of pounds in to debt. So on my part I agreed to 3 attempts only and then we would have looked in to adoption.  Luckily it worked first time. 

A lot of people are worried about it failing and I wonder if deep down that is the real reason for why your wife doesn't want to do it?  Perhaps talk to her again and tell her how much having a child means to you.

Good luck.  

x


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## Slamps (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi there,

Sorry to hear that your wife isn't keen on trying the IVF route.

We found ourselves last year having to make the decision of pursuing IVF due to unexplained recurrent miscarriage. My husband was immediately on board with the idea but I was on the fence not knowing whether it was for me or not even though having a family is all I have focused on for the past 5years.

I was given some advice from a friend who has had a little boy through IVF which was based around research. Due to our ages we are having to fund ourselves privately as the NHS stops funding at 38 in our area. With this in mind, I spoke to my gynae who gave me a very helpful list of clinics in central London and nearer to us in Kent. I researched them all through their websites & made a shortlist of those of interest (I was also fortunate that I had a few friends or friends of friends who were open about their experience so this influenced me a little..). Most clinics will offer open evenings and having done my initial research this is the most important part - I found them to be very educational about the whole process but the biggest part that influenced me was how I took to the doctors / nurses. Some open evenings I found to be very clinical and un friendly but the majority that we visited were fab and so understanding of everyones individual journeys to get them to the open evening. Having attended a few I knew pretty early in that I would do IVF but it was choosing the right clinic. 

Two months in and I have found the journey so far ok with our chosen clinic but it is clinical. The thing that makes the experience bearable is the wonderful  doctors and nurses that you meet and have care for you.


Hope things work out for you.


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