# Donor conceived child



## sydney1983

Hi Mums & Dads
I am a donor conceived child. 
While some of you have made the decision not to tell your child (at this point, you may change your mind- thankfully my Mum did!) please be aware that not one donor conceived child I know is resentful at their parents for telling the truth. 
Many of us believe it is our human right to know our biology. 

Please keep that in mind. And remember you can change your mind. Also children are suspicious! I always suspected something wasn't quite right and many of my donor conceived friends felt the same way. 

Remember your child is here because of your love. You are an amazing parent biology or not. I feel lucky to have a wonderful Mother and a Father and Donor Father and lots of half siblings.


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## Artypants

Sydney, thank you for posting this. I am very torn about telling our daughter she is donor conceived. She is only 12 weeks old so not a problem at the moment but in the future I would like her to know but DF doesn't. I guess its something will will have to face at some point in the future. I just don't want to give her any reason to resent me/us as there will be no way she can trace the lady who kindly enabled me to become a mum and that makes me very sad. its lovely to hear your side of the story and that you are comfortable with it and know these decisions are made from love and desperation a lot of the time, donor conceived babies are very much loved that's for sure xx


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## Surfergirl

Sydney,

Thank you for your post. My daughter is donor conceived and my husband and I plan on telling her from a young age (in an age appropriate way of course!) so that she cannot remember a time when she didn't know and so it is part of her life story. I work with young people and know that, in any situation, they often struggle most with not having been told the truth. I have found your post reassuring in terms of our decision. Like Arty, I adore my daughter and do worry that she will reject me later on for not being her biological mum but I just have to deal with that as the adult. 

It is a very personal decision of course! 

Thanks again xx


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## sydney1983

I'm sorry you don't think my post was genuine. 
I joined this forum as my husband and I will be doing gender selection IVF to hopefully get a daughter (we will go to dr potter in the U.S.). We have two amazing boys and would love to finish our family with a girl. If it happens, great, if not well we tried. 
However I am also a donor conceived child and found myself drawn to this thread. My sister is incredibly active in the community and has very strong feelings about it, I will not tell her about this so you're all safe from an ear bashing lol!

I am not trying to emotionally blackmail anyone. Who knows what the right thing to do is? I don't. I know it was right for our family for me and my sister to know. And my donor conceived friends, none of them wish they didn't know. But you are right those who don't know might be even happier. It does cause heartache when a friend cannot find their donor. And of course as I am an 80s kid all my friends have donor dads not mums. 
Just be aware that a surprisingly large number of my friends found out when their parents separated and one of the parents became bitter and told or had never been happy with the decision in the first place not to tell and so told. 

And thank you to you all for wanting children so much you sacrificed so much to have them. 
I truly appreciate my parents and donor dad. Sometimes it takes more than 2 to make a family


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## sydney1983

Also as we are doing gender selection I have been shocked at the number of people who it's no business of butting it and saying how immoral we are when I said we where considering it (on a parenting forum) and how selfish and think of all those people desperate for a child and who are you to play God?

So we have decided not to tell anyone. We won't tell our daughter if we are lucky enough to conceive one. So I do understand where you are all coming from. 

We may change our mind and tell our future daughter and our sons one day but at this point it's private and only between us. 

Please don't think so I am judging you. Even though I am sure some of you are judging me for gender selection IVF when we are lucky enough to have two gorgeous healthy sons conceived easily.


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## sydney1983

Strange my post just disappeared? Nothing it is could possibly be offensive!


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## Lilly83

Hi Sydney 

I have merged your post to your original one, it was decided it was more suitable to sit in the general donor conception area, if you read the first post in both the 'Telling' and 'Not telling' areas it explains our reasons for keeping both areas seperate and we ask people only post in the ones that apply to their circumstances 

L


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## K jade

Sydney thankyou for sharing your story
Me and my partner need DS and coming to terms with this has been very difficult
K x


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## Love Angel

Hi Sydney
It is great to read your story and to know that you are happy. I read a US forum recently and it was full of really negative opinions of donor conceived people and it really caused me concern. So your positive outlook is very much appreciated. I needed to user donor sperm and had miscarriages. Now I need to get donor eggs as well.  Have any of your friends been conceived through double donation and expressed how they feel? I always planned to tell the child.


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## Blondie71

Surfergirl I doubt your little girl is ever going to reject you, after all what other mum does she have Yes she might have some dna that a kind stranger contributed but that's not mum YOU ARE and always will be


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## Surfergirl

Hi Blondie,

Thanks and yes, I know you are right. Just a silly irrational fear of mine! Think it was probably all part of coming to terms with the situation. I adore her and wouldn't change her for the world 😊 xx


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## Fox Gloves

Thanks for your post - its always interesting and great to hear stories from donor conceived people. I definitely don't think there is a right or wrong way however in terms of telling/not telling. I don't think my future DE child would ever feel or notice that 'something wasn't quite right' as they wont be any different to my OE child, nothing is wrong so they would have no reason to suspect it is. I also don't think of the egg donor as a donor mother, she is in no way a mother to my future child (in my eyes), she is a very generous and wonderful person who donated a cell of her dna to enable me to become a mum again. That's just the way I see it though and as I say we all view it in different ways so its great to hear how well your story has turned out and clearly your parents did the right thing for your family. 

Thanks for sharing and best of luck with your IVF. I hope you achieve the result you want.


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## Gaby2501

Thanks for your post Sydney. We are just at the start of the journey with donor eggs, just past the long thinking, contemplating phase really! I too read some very negative stories from donor conceived children that has helped me to make the choice to tell. 

I myself could not live with that secret, but I by no means judge others who choose not to tell. It just would not be right for me. 

Best of luck with your IVF


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## sydney1983

Seriously I posted replies to many of you ladies yesterday and all have been deleted.
I will not be back as this forum is making me upset with the rights of the parent over the donor conceived child so apparent. Who would have guessed that posts by a person who was donor conceived would be so controversial. So unimpressed at the attitude of the person who deleted my posts. Living in la la land believing your child will never guess is great for you but maybe not for your child and my point of view is just as valid.


To all those who have reached out to me, thank you. I am proud of being donor conceived and grateful to be here. May your children feel the same way.


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## sydney1983

http://theconversation.com/secrets-and-lies-why-donor-conceived-children-need-to-know-their-origins-44015

/links


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## Blondie71

I understand where you're coming from Sydney and I do agree you should have a voice so others can make an informed choice on a very uncomfortable subject for many on here, please stick around everybody should be welcome regardless the fence they sit on.


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## Lilly83

Hello

They haven't been deleted they have been moved whilst they are under review by moderators and management 

I moved them, and for the record don't have a donor conceived child and if I did I would plan on telling so you are wrong with your assumption just to clear that up 

This forum is for ladies and gents suffering infertility, we have to consider everyone when allowing members to join and post hence your recent posts being under review 

If you are indeed here for help with your own infertility journey then feel free to post freely and ask questions regarding your own treatment, but please be mindful that many ladies on here choose not to tell about their use of donor conception and I don't think your posts offered a balanced view 

L


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## bundles

Interesting article Sydney but possibly more interesting replies!! http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jan/31/fathered-34-children-sperm-donation
Another interesting article with some very interesting replies!!!
I think the debate will continue and there will never be a clear right or wrong. However I'm not sure that this forum is the place for it, otherwise we would be called Donor Conceived Friends rather than Fertility Friends.

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Fox Gloves

Sadly I agree it wasn't a balanced view. I'm interested to hear from donor conceived children and families, but I don't like being told its right to tell the child and wrong not to. That's my business, no one else's. what's right for one family is not always right for another. I think the thread could have upset lots of people here and caused some real arguments. Having said that its always interesting to hear other view points.


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## Gaby2501

For me I think Sydney's viewpoint is incredibly valid and balanced. It may not be what everyone wants to hear, but at the end of the day, donor conceived babies will grow into adults with their own feelings, opinions and beliefs. It's just that this view is coming from a different angle to becoming a parent of a DE adult. For me the feelings of my future child as an adult are more important than my own. If I go down the DE road, it is our choice, not our child's choice, but it is an important part of their life. 

I think for people choosing not to tell, that is their choice and I will respect that, but I do think views like Sydney's are so important for people to hear, she is potentially expressing what our future off spring may feel in 20 to 30 years.


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## Lilly83

I appreciate that of course but we as a site don't feel offering a 'question and answer' session from a donor conceived adult is something we want to offer at present, when topics are discussed on here there are many many people with different viewpoints on either side so people can share opinions and ideas but I disagree about it being balanced and feel it's not fair to all the donor recipients on here when we aren't offering views from both sides which we aren't in this instance 

That's exactly why we offer a telling and non telling area and we don't allow people belittling or criticising others choices 

After further consideration and discussing with others I stand by my decision to move the posts

L


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