# End of the road for me



## yanni (May 9, 2005)

Hello everyone    

That's how I am feeling, life is so unfair and the hurt is not going away. Last night we decided not to go for an ED cycle in India in January 2008 reason being I cannot face another negative cycle. We have been trying since 1990 and I think I have come to the end of the line. My heart tells me different but my head is saying no more there is more to life than children.
I expect we have all been told you don't know how lucky you are you can just get up and go! yes maybe that is the case but my DH and I have been searching for a lovely holiday as a starting point for our childless years ahead and can you believe it we cannot think where in the world to go! Any suggstions!


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Yanni, 

So sorry that you have travelled such a hard road. You'll find a lot of support and inspiration here.......

Have you tried entering 'child+free+holiday+resort' into google?

Good luck!

Love, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Yanni

Welcome to this space, I sincerely hope that you will find much comfort and support here. 

I am sorry that you have come to the end of line. MM has made a good suggestion - hopefully you can find somewhere gorgeous to go and treat yourselves after the tough journey you have been through. As for destinations - I suppose it all depends what you want out of a holiday? We went to Cyprus last year and had a wonderful 2 weeks. I didn't know its the only place in the world where you can ski and be on a beach 20 minutes later   although we went in summertime, not winter and I'm not that energetic I hasten to add  

Love and a big welcoming  
Emcee x


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## yanni (May 9, 2005)

Hi 

It is so good to know thatI am not alone here, I should be one of the old ones helping out with younger women and there emotional problems, afterall we have been TTC since 1990 an old hand at this.

I know that with the help and support I will receive from you all will help ease the pain, I sat and watched my beautiful nephew open his presents on a dvd today (he lives in Sydney Australia) and no one has seen him yet, aged 2 years. With tears rolling down my face, why is life so unfair? Don't get me wrong I love him more than words can say but I am the only daughter between two boys and they have two each (boy and girl both) surely I should have been a good mother.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Sweetheart

Of course you would have been a good mother, and goodness knows there is no reasoning or logic in this world when it comes to where the fertility wand waves its magic (for want of a better word) - so many times we all hear of tales of tragedy and heartbreak when we know there are many of us out there who ache for the chance to be a parent... 

We can't promise you any quick fixes or magic answers for the pain you are going through now, but we can offer you a shoulder to cry on, a place to come to where no-one is judged and friendship whilst you go through your grieving... and shared understanding, even though many of us have come to this place via different routes.

Go gently with yourself honey, we're here for you...

Love,
Emcee xxx


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## yanni (May 9, 2005)

Hello Emcee

How kind you are even reading your words brings me to tears, I am seeing my GP on Friday (she is great and has been lucky to have 2 ICSI BFP's) I've no doubt she will have a box of tissues on the ready. I don't want to have medication to get me through all this but I get tearful at the slightest thing. I feel that I have been cheated and will only know the truth why when I meet my maker. I know that there are many women who are still and have been through these difficult times but I keep telling myself I cannot believe that it's finally arrived the time to give up my one dream of being a mother. It just seems so final.   
Love Jackie


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Big hugs hun, you have been on the trying road for so long it is no wonder you feel so raw. But the strength you had to get you through 17 years of trying will get you through this. Like you say, we just have to feel it and find new paths. We are all here for you and just for the record of course you would have been a wonderful mum, I think we all would have and thats why we are special.

xxxxx


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## yanni (May 9, 2005)

Hello Yamoona
Thankyou also for your concern and kind words, yes we are all special and in a way if we think about it the ones who never have children are very special because we are in the catagory where's there's less. If you see what I mean. I already feel better tonight having you all there at the end of my fingertips thankyou all so very much for that.
In the future I would like to be able to offer my experiences and help others like us who are going through treatment and have also made the decision to call it a day. I think we have to go through all these emotions and heartache to come out on the other side.

I think my last thought for this evening before I close my eyes will be
' Yes we are special'

Love Jackie


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

oh Yanni - I'm so sorry you've had such a horrendous time. Wow, 17 years, you will never be able to say that you didn't try damn hard! We've been ttc for 11 years - and now trying to come to terms to a life without children. I know it's so hard. And I have no answers (still trying to cope myself). But I have found the support on this board invaluable - and these ladies are proof that there most definitely is an alternative happy and fulfilling life without children.
Bernie xxx


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi Yanni,

Im sending you the biggest hug possible.Its really so difficult to finally make the decision to stop treatment.Myself and my wonderful Hubby have been ttc for approx 13 years an were so pleased when we got ou rfirst BFP in July.Unfortunately that dream ended at 8 weeks when I had and induced miscarriage (The most awful expreience of my life).
We have now decided our journey to become parents has ended.Neither of us can take any more stress.
I too ask the qustions WHY.What have I done that is so bad.Im not doing too bad at the minute and desperatley trying not to go back on antidepressants.(I was on them all of last year due to one thing and another) Its so hard coming to terms with the fact I will never be a mum.Each time I think its harder to bounce back dont you?

Just take each day at a time.I tried to rush to feel well and thought I would be back to feeling happy and cheery again to quickly so Ive slowed down and just doing it it in my own time.(However long that takes)

You take care of yurself and I hope you have some wonderful peaople around you to help and support you.Message me any time you like.

Lots of Love

Toni xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Toni... so sorry to hear about what you have been through and of your recent loss....



You're very welcome to stay with us here awhile if you feel the need...

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi Girls,

How is everyone doing?

Im not too good at the minute.My head is constantly spinning,Im not sleeping and I just feel churned up all the time.I thought I was doing ok but seem to be gettign worse .I dont understand because Ive accepted my situation (or so I thought) and me and Dh have got some lovely things to look forward to.Holidays,Having lots of decorating done and just enjoying time with each other but somethings not right.
I cant seem to find any peace inside myself. Does that sound wierd? My whole inside feels  worked up and nervy and the slightest thing stresses me out.Im going to buy some herbal Kalm tablets today to see if that helps.I hope I can start to feel happy and normal again some time soon..
Anyone else had any similar feelings?

Lots of Love 

Toni xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Toni,
You sound perfectly normal to me... you are going through grief. The jittery feeling is just one way of your body manifesting it. Maybe you hav accepted the situation in your head - but not in your heart. I have found the grieving process takes time - and it is different for everyone.In my case I can feel 'together' one day and the very next day I'm falling apart. I  still get really down. I line up loads of projects and holidays but it will never take that grief away. I've come to the conclusion that we have to work through these emotions. Most of all, be gentle with yourself - you really have been through hell. You are doing just great. 
Bernie xxx
P.S. I use Quiet Life to help with sleeping and a sprinkling of lavendar oil on the pillow or in the bath really helps. Another thing I do is cut down on my tea drinking (I'm a bit of an addict) and drink chamomile tea instead. Also - maybe you should think about treating yourself to a weekly aromatherapy massage or reflexology. You deserve a bit of pampering - and it is really relaxing. (Also being holistic, it will help you and your hormones get back into balance).


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

hi Bernie,

Thank you so much for those words.They have really helped.I thought I was on my to La La land going a bit loopy.
You may be rigth actually about accepting things in my head but not my heart.May be that will come in time.

I see from your details that you have been to hell and back with all your  treatment.Do you think we ladies evr fell "NORMAL" again.

Thanks again for your kind words

Love Toni xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Toni, I'm always on the brink of La La land ! Goes with the territory. I don't suppose I'll be 'normal' again. What I have learned is that life changes you. In our case it is the agony of wanting a child - and of losing a so dearly wanted baby. But other people have all kinds of stuff (cancer, abusive relationships etc ) I reckon that none of us gets an easy ride, life gets you one way or another. But then, since I'm in a good mood today (believe me this doesn't happen every day) I can say that there are lots of good times and times when I'm just so happy to be alive. I suppose we must try to cherish those good times and weather the bad.
My hope is that my experience has made me appreciate life – I hope it has made me more compassionate (but not in carparks - re my other post! lol) And perhaps enabled me to be more broad minded and unconventional.
Lots of love,
Bernie xx


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi bernie,
Wow, considering what you have been through you sound very stable and how lovely that you appreciate life like you do.
I have so much anger in me as well.Partly to do with this but also I lost my dad at 59 to cancer 5 yrs ago and my mum has just had a scare but thank god everyting is fine.To be honest a couple of weeks ago I could have quite easily topped myself.
I certainly dont feel like that now but  also i am not a lover of life at the minute which is awful to say I know when there are people so much worse off .
I really hope I canstart to feel like you do and learn to appreciate life again .I used to be so bubbly and happy but I think with everything that has happened its just knocked the life out of me.Your words have certainly given me something  to think about and I really appreciate that.

Take Care

Love Toni xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Toni,
It is understandable that you feel the way you do. And believe me I still feel like that sometimes. We all need time to heal - there are no quick fixes (sadly!) Don't feel bad about feeling bad - you need to go through it and let the emotion out. The anger is part of that. Grief is so messy and mixed up. All sorts of stuff comes out - all the stuff you'd rather not think about. It is just horrible. But you will come out the other side. You say you used to be bubbly and happy - well that person hasn't disappeared. But right now you are sad, and it's ok to be sad. You'll find that when you are ready the bubbly you will re-emerge. Maybe not exactly the same - but there will be good times, I promise.
Bernie xxx
P.S. Remember you can post here as often as you need - everyone here understands and will support you.


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