# Donor sperm route - male needs some answers - please



## B1scuit (Feb 20, 2009)

Hi all

My name's Martin and i'm azoospermic. Biopsy early April will tell us once and for all whether i'll ever father kids but general consensus from various Urologists is less than 10% chance. There are plenty of complications so it's hope for a miracle time really. We're happy that we've followed the book in terms of tests, info etc and extra info and sympathy on that front isn't what i'm here for.  

My wife and i are considering the route of donor sperm. It's something that frankly was not on my radar and freaks me out a bit. I worry that i might not love the baby as much, i worry that i might get frustrated with the toddler, i worry that i might freak out at the teenager. Are these normal thoughts for a father facing up to infertility and dealing with the idea of fathering someone else's baby? Do these thoughts run through your mind for ever every time the child does something strange? Are these normal thoughts? My sister has just had a lovely niece and although she's not mine i have that lovely feeling when i see her. Can i expect the same when / if my wife has a baby? Is that a stupid question? Be good to hear from some fathers who may have dealt with or are going through similar stress.

Also we would like to find out more about the various donor options both UK and Overseas. Can people here recommend any good ones? Are there clinics where you see photos of the donor? When do you get the history on the donor? The stuff we've seen is very general and they want money before you can do or see any more. Or are we looking in the wrong places?

Obviously first time here so interesting to read some feedback - also please no icons and abbreviations -  if possible.

Best wishes

Martin


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi Martin

I'm not sure how much help I can be to you but I didn't want to read and run.

My DH is azoospermic and was diagnosed with Klinfelters Syndrome.  Our clinic referred him to see a Urologist and we both went to discuss it and to see if sperm retrieval was possible.  He said in his opinion it was a really low percentage and he didn't hold much hope at all due to the Klinfelters.  He said he would still do the biopsy if we wanted to go ahead but due to my DH having Klinfelters that there was a high chance that DH would end up having to take medication for the rest of his life as it would make him feel lethargic and unwell all the time.  (I'm not saying this would happen to you as my DH situation is different so sorry if I'm making this worse).  We decided not to persue this and put my hubby at risk when in our situation there was probably no sperm to be retrieved anyway.    

My hubby and I had already discussed using a donor and were already on the list whilst waiting to see the Urologist so we knew it was the next step for us.  From finding out at our G.P.s that he had no sperm count I think we have been thinking one step ahead of what we will do.  My hubby got his head round using a donor far quicker than I did as I was a little more reluctant.  He says that more than anything he wants to be a father and hold and bring up a baby and this is our only option.  (We are open to adoption to but the chances of a tiny baby are next to none).  He says that he does have concerns in the back of his mind that he would not bond straightaway with the baby (if we are lucky enough to have one) but he thinks in reality he will feel just fine.  We to have that lovely protective feeling of our nieces and nephew (our nephew is my sisters stepson and we feel exactly the same about him). 

We are currently having treatment through the NHS and have only had experience of our clinic.  We only got very basic details of the donor - we had a choice of three - height, weight, hair and eye colour and profession and hobbies.  The donors go through rigorous testing over many months to be approved and the nurse told us that these days it's men who have experienced infertility in their family or friends and donate to help others.  

In our experience it has got easier to deal with as time is going by.  I had my first donor insemination in January which I found very emotional but then the wanting to be pregnant took over for both of us.  Unfortunately that didn't work and I've just had the second one - this time we thought much less about the donor and it was less stressful as we knew what more about what was going on.  If I'm feeling abit overwhelmed by it all I try to focus on what a great gift the donor is giving us.

Hope this helps even a little - sorry if I waffled a bit!

Best Wishes to you and you DW, Charlie x


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## sweetdreams73 (May 1, 2009)

Hi Martin

Welcome to FF, sure you will find lots of helpful advice and support from friendly people.

I am not a bloke but my husband does have "unexplained" non obstructive azoospermia so I do have some experience of the difficulty and soul searching you must be going through.  However, what I can tell you is that when my husband was first told he had the condition I brought up the subject of "sperm donor" and his words were "over my dead body".  I was truly heartbroken but realised that I needed to just leave him alone and let him think it over a bit, I went onto "Donor Conception Network" website which we have found really helpful and printed off some stories from other men going through exactly what you and him are going through. You might want to have a look yourself the website address is www.dcnetwork.orgopsy.  Anyway, I printed off these stores and left them on the top of the TV for him to read.  We didnt discuss it for a while, and then suddenly out of the blue he brought the subject up and said " if we had donor sperm, I may not be the biological child but I would be its father as I would be the one getting up in the night when he/she cried, I would be the one kissing it goodnight, changing its nappy, taking to 1st day at school, bailing his/her out when crashed the car, got into money problems etc etc.  I would still be his/her father and the child would still call me Dad wouldnt it."  I just cried and hugged him as to me he will always be the father of my child, regardless of whether he is biologically related to he/she and we do in fact actually have to use a sperm donor.  I just know that he had to be sure inside his heart that he was able to accept "donor sperm".  He said that he loved me so much and he wanted to be able to give me the one thing in the world that I want more than anything, a beautiful precious child.  

I am very lucky that my husband has agreed to have another surgical sperm retrieval opeation as the first one sadly was a biopsy and they didnt use any of the sperm (although not much was found and had maturation arrest) but even so it could of been used to get me pregnant, something that we realised afterwards, wished we had gone to the IVF clinic and had it done so they could freeze the sperm, another thing to consider is if the urologist does the sperm retrieval operation and doesnt freeze the sperm, you have to wait a further six months before you can have another sperm retrieval operation.  Something me and husband learnt the hard way as we are now having to wait patiently for six months before we can have TESE, ICIS and IVF.  Just a word of warning so you are prepared, we expected that we could have sperm retrieval and IVF treatment straight away after the biopsy and not have to wait.  If however, the Tese is not successful we have agreed to have donor sperm as a backup as we didnt want to go through all that treatment and then have to cancel it and start again with donor sperm.  

Cant help you all that much on the donor matching yet as have not done that yet, but do know that they try and find a match as close as physically to the man as possible and some donors give hobbies and interest and why they actually wanted to donate in the first place. We are getting our treatment at the London Womens Clinic privately in Harley Street, (as nhs wait list too long for us to wait ) where they hold their own sperm bank and are very helpful, they do open days which are very helpful if your interested.

Best wishes and hope all works out for you whatever you choose.


Sweetdreams73


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## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

Hi Martin

We are using DS due DH having a chromosomal abnormality. I was against DS and it felt like i was grieving DHs lost child that i will never have. He on the other hand was all for it from day 1. Eventually, after alot of soul searching we came to the conslusion that we wanted 'a child'. I am fine about it now. I was worried that i wouldn't bond with it as i wouldn't be DHs and was worried about how the child would be when it found out. But there is lots of support out there so i am not too worried.

There is the donor sperm thread you can post your questions on. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=64.0

We did see a urologist who was brilliant, he did some tests on DH but we did the karyotype test which proved his abno chromosomes, so we didn't pursue any tx with the urlogist partly due to fiannces, as we thought that using his sperm would decrease our chances, plus his quality had declined too and we felt using poor sperm would be a waste of money that we had little of.

We used xytex which is based in america, you can choose on the web and you can look for free or pay to look at a more in depth profile with pics. We didn't choose that option as we didn't want to see what he looks like, we just have a mental (fairy tale) image in our heads!!!! 

We have family history, interests and physical characteristics on him. It is highly reccommended and very easy to use.

We used the sperm once but we did ivf not icsi which proved fatal as my eggs are not up to scratch which we didn't expect and as a result had no fetilisation! but i suppose it gave us the knowledge that my eggs are not too good and icsi is for us now or Donor egg!!! So it could be double donor if our next cycle doesn't work. But i am prepared for that now and have put my name on the waiting list abroad.

I know the child will shout out, "well you're not my mum.dad anyway" but all kids say that and as i said there is lots of support.

Idn't know much about Tesse etc but have a look on the threads and if you find claudine she will put you right. she has 1 child and is now having twins, she went to cornell for her tx in america.


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## Want-a-baby (Apr 23, 2010)

Hi Martin,
My DH is azoospermic as well. We're using Fairfax Cryobank, in the USA, and have chosen a fantastic donor with adult pictures available. CLI Sperm Bank, also in the USA, offers adult pictures of some donors as well.
Good luck,  FM


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Martin

Hope you're well? Have you had your sperm retrieval and biopsy yet?

My fiance has been diagnosed with Azoospermia with high FSH.  He is booked into have his SSR on June 9th - we have been given a 5% chance of them finding anything.  I'm holding on to hope that the Urologist thought my fiance's testicles looked good in size and felt normal - so all I keep doing is praying that we are part of that 5% 

My fiance is very uncertain of using a donor at this point and I don't think he will make any sort of decision before his op -although I would like him to be thinking about it.

Our clinic do not use UK donor's as there is a lack of supply and the UK donor's are now known.  Our clinic uses xytex based in the states and the European Sperm bank which is based in Holland I believe.  I have been on both websites and like all the ladies and gents below you can see basic information on build and hobbies etc but you have to pay extra for photo's/  audio information.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR JOURNEY


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi,

I am single and female, so have always had to use donor sperm, however after 4 attempts with my own eggs I realised that I would need to use donor eggs and have had a  lot of similar thoughts to you (will I love the child? etc).
I was recommended a book called Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates by Diane Ehrensaft and I found it very useful. You can get it on Amazon.

I used Xytex also, which was good, but Cryos don't charge to see pictures of donors etc.

Good luck
GIA Tooxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Martin - I just wanted to say that you are being a fabulous person and husband being so open to the idea of using a donor - what a mature example you are setting to mankind!
My DH is not so keen on the idea and refuses to deal with his issues. He has supported me in going for treatment and came back to me after a split to join me going through IVF with a donor after being so against it.
It is still really hard for him and he is blocking things out a bit - he did come to the baby show with me and helped me buy and collect a pram from a friend of a friend. He has told some of his customers that we are having a baby boy in 7 weeks time, so I guess that is something.

However, on another day he will say he feels it is me having a baby, not us and he fears rejection. I tell him that whatever happens it is not the baby's fault how he came about and he will not know another daddy.

I would say your feelings are normal - but would you not worry at all about being rejected by a biological child or a biological child having problems or doing naughty things? All parents have doubts and worries - I am worried about my biological child - will he be OK, what will he look like, how will he behave, will he be clever? I worry that if he is naughty I will be blamed for using a donor by DH and family.

People say that there is A LOT more to parenting than genes. With donation you are there at the 7 week scan to see the heart beat, at the 12 week and 20 weeks scan, at the midwife check ups and antenatal classes. You are at the birth. The donor isn't. They are not the father - you are. People say that with every nappy to change, every time you get up in the night to feed, every time you wipe a nose or comfort after a grazed knee, the donor aspect floats further away.

Many people say after a few weeks/months that they could not imagine what the child that they ''could not'' have would be like, because they have got the child they ''could'' have, and they would not swap them for the world. Some believe in fate and believe that the child that they could have (by whatever means - donor or adoption) is the child that they were meant to have.

Others have likened it to adopting an animal - 1000 x less than the feelings for a child, but once you have adopted a cat or a dog, even though they are a member of another species, they are loved like one of the family.

In terms of options, if the sperm is under UK regulations or imported to the uk, you have to have open ID donors so that the child can find out the name and last known address when they are 18.
I used the London Womens Clinic as they have a very large sperm bank. You give in yours and your partner's characteristics and they match you for treatment. The sperm is at the moment only available for patients at the clinic, but very shortly they will have built up a big enough bank to sell to other clinics in the UK. You can look at the website - London Sperm Bank.

Another option is to look at donors on the European Sperm Bank which are UK approved. I think if you pay a fee for access you can get more information about the donor profiles and possibly even childhood pictures.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Martin and another warm welcome
My DH was diagnosed as NOA due to his epilepsy medication, after we were referred for IUI  by our gp !!!
The nurse at our IUI appointment at our local hospital handed us a leaflet on coping with childlessness - and to be honest I couldn't take anything in for the tears and sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach, in 2 seconds flat our world literally crumbled.
It wasnt til I read the NOA thread here on FF, that I got any shred of hope - SSR.

We were referred for ICSI by our IUI consultant - but when we mentioned SSR, our clinic dismissed it straight off the bat (Centre for Life, Newcastle - nhs treatment) as they thought it'd be a waste of time, effort and resources...and suggested we go on the donor waiting list.

To be honest, my hubby was 'up for it' - it was me that had the nagging doubts, would he fling it in my face that 'MY' child was being a pain in the backside ??  Was I desperate for my hubbys baby, or just desperate for any baby?  Crikey at the end of the day, it'd have been much easier to go out on a one night stand if I was desperate for a baby rather then my husbands. 
At the end of the day my hubby said I'll be Dad in every sense of the word and yes he was spot on ....so we joined the 6 month waiting list.
A number of men and couples on the NOA thread also mentioned the success they'd had with the male taking Wellman Multivitamins ..... as with everything I was very sceptical - but hey ho, it wouldn't impact on hubbys epilepsy medication and we had nowt to lose, so hubby went straight on the multivitamins, we read it took a while to get into the system - 6 months might be long enough!.

I had an awful EC, only 4 eggs were retrieved  ....BUT omg, hubby had 1 million swimmers - when I got the call to say that only 1 of my four precious eggs had fertilized I was devastated, the odds were stacked against us, as per usual  - but our 2 celled embie (Tictac), was transferred on day 2.  

If we had used our donor, I doubt very much our precious little princess could be loved any less - she is adored and treasured and hubby was there rubbing my tummy, talking to our baby, rubbing my cankles and massaging my arms when I got leg cramps in the middle of the night hahaha.
Once that embryo is put into the uterus, that is YOUR baby.... you nurture it, protect it, love it and stand in awe of every scan - any bloke can father a child, but it takes a top man to be a Daddy.

Believe me though, getting frustrated with a toddler and freaking out with hormonal teenagers, I think thats part and parcel of being a parent but the 'biology' of it - just wouldn't come into it.

Sending you and your dp all the very best
Sheila


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Sheila!

I think I may have to read this post to my OH.  He has his SSR on 9th June and we are so scared.

He hasn't been on Wellman but he has been on vitamins forever - he takes them every morning bless him.

We only have a 5% chance, so it's quite low but I'm trying to keep the faith but not getting to hopefull as I want to protect my already fragile heart.

Does your OH ever post on here?  I know this maybe a lot to ask but my OH was wanting to read some stories from a male point of view. If you or your OH have any advice for him that would be wonderful.

Thank you


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Lovebug
Unfortunately my oh doesn't post here, or anywhere else for that matter - he's one of those blokes that keeps everything close to his chest and doesn't even tell me how he's feeling, what his thoughts are etc.  He certainly doesn't believe in airing our 'problems' so openly either, which is a shame - because our story has got to give other couples out there that little bit of hope we gained from FF couples sharing their successes.

I on the other hand, found fertility friends an absolute life saver, if people didn't share their stories and experiences I wouldn't have had a single shred of hope...without hope we as a couple would have been staring at a very uncertain future...and without FF my life could have been so different.

Yes taking vitamins isn't proven, and it's certainly not a guarantee of success....so we just went into the full ICSI journey and taking the vitamins with open minds.

Without treatment, we had a 0 - 1% of a natural conception - where they got a 1% chance with zero sperm I'll never know!!
Each of my 4 eggs had a 20% chance of fertilization. And the odds for Tictac making it were up to 15% - but hey anything better than 1% had to be an improvement, right! 

We as a couple tried our best to stay open minded about every stage of treatment, and I desperately tried to stay positive... I had regular Reiki sessions, I bought a Zita West cd, I even bought a fertility spell off ebay - ANYTHING to give me any positivity I could focus on.  

I drank pineapple juice and ate brazil nuts to help keep my womb lining warm and inviting to my precious little Tictac (both are good sources of sellenium). I exercised regularly, ate healthily and really looked after myself - to be honest, my thinking was, if it didn't work it wasn't meant to be. I didn't want to look back and say I wish I had or hadn't done something.  I think in this respect, the crushing blow of a BFN wouldn't be all consuming.

Anything I can do to help o) - wishing you all the very very best
Sheila


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