# Am I mad?



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Well I have reason to doubt my sanity. I've bought supplements that improve fertility and I'm going to have homeopathy and reflexology (supposedly for relaxation - but if I'm honest I will be asking if there is anything they can do to boost fertility). So this leaves me saying 'What am I like!!??' Why can't I just let go of this!!?? I'm 41 now - had little chance of conceiving before and so now must have even less chance. And yet still I cling on to this forlorn hope that I could fall pregnant. I'm CRAZY!! My rational mind tells me that I'll ever get rid of the pain if I keep chasing after rainbows - yet I do these things. Someone should give me a slap!
Bernie


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Bernie

I don't think you're mad - you're human, the same as the rest of us. And being human and female its very difficult if not nigh on impossible to shut out the tick tock of the biological clock. I still get broody to this day - my body will never produce a child but does it stop the broodyness? Nope! So I have learned through the years to ride the waves with the broodyness and the everything elseness as and when it happens. Its taken me a loooooong time to get this far and to reach the understanding with myself that I can't stop these feelings - so I don't bother putting up a fight any more, even though I know there will never be a family of my own at the end of it all!

We all have the capacity to want to nurture, and its something that is very hard to walk away from, and we all cope with things in our own way. At least we can come here and share our thoughts with others in a non judgmental way - thats been the biggest help of all for me!

Sending you a big squeezy  

Love

Emcee x


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

No you are about at mad as I am

I have upped my supplements and aswell as the acupuncture i was having with my last ICSi cycle I am taking all manner of chinese herbs aswell. My practitioner tells me I shouldn't give up until I'm 42, so I'm not going to. Part of the reason for taking them was to help my body get back to normal after tx but I'm not kidding anyone - I just can't give up hope yet, it's too depressing.


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

You're not mad. 

This month my period was one day late, and despite having all the usual symptoms that it was on it's way, I still spent that day thinking maybe I was pregnant.


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I have such admiration for all you ladies and certainly don't think you are mad. When no-one can give a good reason and there is still that 'chance' looming it must be so hard to let go and not think about it for just one month. My DH has zero sperm so I know 100% we can't get pregnant, I really don't know how I would handle it if it was another situation like low sperm or unexplained. I would probably go nuts, though some would say I may have already   !!

xxxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

So it seems I'm not alone with the craziness!!!  I was talking to a friend who is the same age as me and she has only just met the right person and wants to 'give it all she's got' (!) to get pregnant. Her enthusiasm and confidence that it will happen kind of made me think a little. I guess I'm not so stupid wanting to try - although really I'm supposed to be moving on (that's why I'm on this board). Oh I just don't know!
BTW Helen - what is the significance of 42? I know that it is the answer to life, the universe and everything (remember Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?) But why 42 as a cut of for ttc? I'm curious!
Bernie xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

bernie and yamoona

My Dh also has zero sperm, and i also know that it is a biological impossibility for me, yet every time I am late or feel nauseous I still think 'maybe a miracle', and if we make love and I realise its around the 'right' time, I think the same thiing and then get myself all upset (so Emma, you are not alone either, hun).

I think it is a natural part of how badly we want a child of our own, and also how much we are biologically programmed to want to reproduce, and I have decided that I should not punish myself for thinking these stupid thoughts. Push them away and give myself a gentle talking to, yes, but I am learning not to be angry with myself.

Big hugs to you

xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Ermey

I don't have that feeling if I am late as I have accepted that it won't happen but what I tend to do is when I feel frisky around ovulation time my body tends to either switch those feelings off (affecting our sex life) or I start looking at other men and wondering what if.  For me ovualtion time is always the worst.

x


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Hi Bernie

without wanting to sound like i've completely lost it, TCM considers that the 'ages of man' change every seven yrs. For fertility it's supposed to be at a maximum between 21 and 28 (100%), 75 % between 28 & 35, 50% between 35 and 42, then 25% between 42 & 49 then after 49 you have the menopause (which generally does happen around then). Yes, it does sound like gobbledygook and I am not harbouring any false illusions that I will still conceive. Highly unlikely, but I have tried everything else now including IVF/ICSI,so as this is not invasive and it will still give me approx the same chance as conceiving with IVF at my age (about 5-10% per cycle) then I decided to give it a try. But DH & I are not getting carried away with any of it. We decided to just carry on living as normal with the herbs and see if anything happens - I could not carry on indefinitely without Rioja, goats cheese and hot baths! 

Helen


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Oh I see. But what is a number? As for 'carry on living as normal with the herbs' – I've tried Chinese herbs and there is NO WAY that life is normal when boiling up those leaves and twigs (lol!) - or do you take them in capsule form? I agree with you on the goat's cheese front - lurrrve it! 
Further update on my current madness - I've been to see my homeopath. She thinks I have every chance of conceiving naturalluy (yeah right - tell me what I want to hear...) Am I annoying the rest of you ladies as I toy with my 'last ditch attempt' while supposedly moving on? Confused? I certainly am!!!
Bernie x


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

hi myownangel

I feel the same way, I am told by my acupuncturist that she had a lady 46 natural preg and my gyn a lady at 50.  The lady at 50 it was first preg no chromosomal abnormalities. I just don't understand, so opposite to me.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie hon

You're not the first lady and you certainly won't be the last one on here to have another grab at the cookie jar so to speak - and if this is one way of you moving on then so be it hon - you have my full support! 

I know there is no hope for me as I have no pipework - I could try a decent plumber but I don't think DH would like it   seriously though, if you feel its the right thing for you to do to attempt this then you go for it hon. Just hope you aren't planning on hiring a plumber? Whats that I hear you say? Pass the yellow pages?!  

By the way, goats cheese ROCKS.... yummy...

I honestly think we all have to do what we have to do to get by in this life and if this is helping you then you go for it sweetie. You know where I am if you need to vent your spleen, ok? x

Love
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for being so understanding Emce. You made me laugh when you said you have no pipework (!) had never had it quite put like that before. As for me all me gubbins are supposedly in 'working order' - although it is a bit like our boiler: unreliable. I have had all the checks under the sun (as has dh) and nothing ever found. I refuse to use contraception (why waste the money?) and so while there is that possibility I guess I will hanker after it. So while in theory I know I've got to move on - I am currently attempting to get preggo (go figure...?) 
I suppose that as time goes by this need will fade, perhaps? Or maybe I'll fill my life up with other things (that's also part of my plan too) so it won't notice so much.
I'm glad I can still post here - you and the other ladies have been a great support.  
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Bernie (she said, hoping that Bernie was enjoying the lovely summer evening and not sat hunched over the keyboard like me - LOL)!

Of course you are welcome to keep posting here, we have had many ladies who have used this space to help them decide one way or another what route to take. Some of them have managed the unmanagable and have much to their shock and our delight found themselves pregnant after trying a last ditch attempt. I'm so glad for them that this place was partly instrumental in helping them decide to have one last crack at the whip.

I also appreciate in my own way, (although I haven't experienced the same sorts of things as you have) what a difficult place it is to 'be' in yourself when you have never had no concrete answers as to why pregnancy has never happened to you, or if it has happened, why it has gone wrong (that I do understand)!

In my rambling way I am trying to say that you are welcome to stick with us whilst you try and gain a happy medium with your life - that even though you are trying again you are still living without that precious little bundle in your life, and that this may conjure up all sorts of thoughts and feelings for you whilst your life ticks along. Its not lost on me how you have been living this life for a long time now, and that you have the benefit of experience of what this feels like for others who pluck up the courage to share their stories with us here.

So you take care of yourself honey, hope you have a lovely weekend.

Love & best wishes
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you !  
Bernie xxx


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Bernie,

No you are not mad!

In all my years, I have never been pg, never had a scare, have had multiple failed tx's, have less than a 5-8% chance of getting pg even with ICSI, and after six years of trying I still had the arrogance to think that when my af was 10 days late this month that I might be pg.

How completely mad is that. I know it can't happen, but still I was stupid enough to get my hopes up. 

Didn't test as I promised myself I would wait until the weekend. Then of course af showed up with a vengence.

Big fat hairy b*****ks!



Vicki
x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I was going to send you a   for your big fat hairy ones then thought I'd best re-word it...

So I am sending you a massive  instead because I'm sorry and its horrible when our bods play these games with us - argh!

Love to you - and thank you for being you hon, despite all the heartache you have been through you are wonderful...
Emcee xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Vikki,

You're not arrogant or stupid to get your hopes up hun. Its human instinct, and a deeply powerful thing, which makes it so, so hard to handle.

Be kind to yourself

XXXX


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

((((((Vicki)))))) I so know how you feel. We can be barking together!! 
(wish there was a hairy b*****ks icon!)
Bernie xxx


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Bernie,

How great would that icon be??

I'm feeling more sane this week girls.

It is amazing what nonsense our hormones make us feel isn't it?


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yeah - and mine are going haywire again. The dreaded Hag is with me...
Bernie x


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