# I can't believe it's come to this! Secondary Infertility



## ixilou (Nov 23, 2013)

Hi there, 

I fell pregnant just one month after stopping contraception so when we started trying for a baby brother or sister I was furious when it didn't happen straight away! That was 3 years ago now....  my fury very soon turned to dread, panic, fear, disbelief, frustration and sadness. I feel guilty for not being able to provide my son with a sibling and I feel I'm letting my husband down as I can't complete our family. I don't talk about it openly because I am acutely aware that I'm very very lucky, blessed and privileged to have a child. However it's my guilty secret that I have a deep desire to become a mother again. 

The last three years have been tough. I have appreciated  and enjoyed every second of seeing my son grow up and he makes us more happy than I ever imagined a person could be. However alongside this I have had lots of tests, treatments, scans, operations and all that. I used to lurk around on here and it made me realise how there is always someone who has it tougher than you. I never imagined I would one day be a member myself asking for and hopefully providing,  words of encouragement and support. However, early next year we are hoping to start IVF to hopefully complete the final leg of our journey. However if there's one thing I've learned is that this journey has lots of detours and sometimes I wonder if it will ever actually end. 

One of the first things I'd like to ask is : how did you prepare prior to ivf? My consultant said no caffeine and 4 units of alcohol per week. I should have clarified with him but do you think this applies to my dh as well.  He's giving up drinking but finding the caffeine withdrawls tough. With Christmas coming up, how will you deal with not drinking or would a few glasses of bubbly be ok especially as I haven't got the date for when we will start our first cycle. 


Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know what you think about prepping for ivf throughout the festive season 

Love vix x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Sorry to hear that things have been so tough   .


Get in the best mental state you can you will need good mental health no matter how your treatment turns out, but if you sadly get a bfn your really need it then.


Make sure your fit, that you do regular exercise and that you lead as healthy life as you can.  Yer your right cut down caffeine and alcohol.  I dont think you need to cut it out just take it easy thats all.  Im 19 weeks pregnant and still have a cup of coffee a day.


Good luck. xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

good luck with your cycle. try and cut right back on caffeine and alcohol - both of you - but no need to avoid completely. however be careful over christmas it is easy to let one drink lead to another or think 'there's always tomorrow' to stop... there's a difference between 'the odd glass' and 'the odd glass every day'...

are you taking vitamins? we took pregnacare conception and wellman vitamins. 

i think you'll find there are many worse things than getting AF on christmas day.

try not to worry about needing ivf, many of us in here have been through a sort of shock at realising that is our only hope of the family we crave, but it is a good opportunity, and hopefully next christmas you will be not drinking for all the right reasons! good luck


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## coucou2009 (Sep 12, 2012)

Hello Vixilou,
I am sorry that you are in this position. We were in the same position. One child conceived naturally and then nothing. At first drs chalked it up to stress but then still nothing. After tests I was diagnosed with secondary infertility. I freaked of course. I did the clomid and the 6 iuis and had one ivf in august and I am not about 17 weeks pregnant. My word of advice is just try to be healthy. Take the prenatals and live your life. I think one cup of coffee is ok that is what the midwife told me during stimming. For the IVF I did cut it out (and i drink half a cup). I had the brazil nuts and pineapple juice. did those help get the bfp? Not sure. I think if you are not stressed and enjoy yourself during christmas in moderation you should be fine. As for your husband, not sure about the relation between sperm quality and alcohol. Excessive probably yes, a glass most likely not.

Good luck


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## Polargirl1 (Jun 28, 2013)

Hi Vixilou
I am in a similar situation (although recently found out I have a blocked tube, which along with my age, probably explains the lack of conception). We are also starting IVF in the New Year and it's taken me a while to get my head round the idea.

I think the most important thing is to keep a positive attitude and try to keep your mind on other things so as to not get consumed by it. I have cut out alcohol although I'm sure I'll have a glass or two over the xmas period, which I don't think will be a problem, so long as it's not every day. I also still drink 1-2 cups of tea every day (my guilty pleasure!) as I think it's important to do as much as possible to assist the IVF process in terms of health but also keep a balance in the rest of your life (I drank 4-5 cups of tea every day before DD so my body would be quite shocked if I withdrew completely!)

Good luck with your journey x


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## Chloe6 (Mar 13, 2013)

Hi vixilou
I'm in a similar position to you with a 2.5 year old and desperately trying to conceive a sibling. I can identify with the disbelief and also the guilt. I'm due to have laparoscopy next month to try and unblock a tube then try a couple more rounds of clomid. My dh really doesn't want us to go down the ivf route though so I think if this doesn't work then I will just have to work on acceptance. Wishing you luck and strength xx
Xxx


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## ixilou (Nov 23, 2013)

Thank you all for replying and sharing your stories as well as your tips for preparing for ivf. I agree that mental health is particularly important and it's something we have to bear in mind alongside physical well being. I'm looking forward to having a sober, fit and healthy Christmas as I always feel bleugh in January, start a diet and exercise regime like hundreds of others only to fall back into old habits before February. At least preparing for ivf will give me numerous health benefits no matter what the outcome. I'm feeling really positive - thanks for your support. 

I have never met another mum who has struggled to become pregnant again so it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing your stories.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Im pretty sure that secondary infertility is more common then infertility, maybe people just don't like to talk about it. x


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## coucou2009 (Sep 12, 2012)

Coweyes is right. The stats for secondary infertility is quite high. It is very taboo  to talk about we while we had one child easily, we feel at times we do not fit into the infertile category because we already have one. For those that are struggling with primary infertility it is hard to imagine why we would be upset on not having another because we have one already and for those that have children easily they do not understand. 

while we do have proven fertility, the issues with secondary infertility are the same as primary. My dr. told me that yes you have proven fertility and that is positive but we do all the tests for primary because something is not right. It turns out it was unexplained. Was my first one a a fluke I often thought to myself? Why am I putting my body through all of this if I have one child that is wonderful. I guess I did the process because don`t I have the right to have more than one if I can pursue the treatments? I wish secondary infertilty can be spoken more openly because sometimes you just don`t fit in in the infertile world lol


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## Chloe6 (Mar 13, 2013)

Coucou I have had all those same thoughts x


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## ixilou (Nov 23, 2013)

Coucou you are right - it is such a relief to see those things written down as it has always just been flying around my head. Its so reassuring to know there other people  out there who understand x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it is different to wanting a child when you haven't any, but even as someone who hasn't any yet, I can see that wanting another could easily become an all-consuming thing you can't just magic away... there's all kinds of reasons a person might not be delighted to stop at just one... 

I always thought I would have three.. funny what life throws you. never ever thought I'd be pregnant at 43!


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Vix!!! Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

You aren´t letting anyone down, it isn´t anything within you contol, your body is just not doing what it should be doing. I am sure if there was anything you could do, you would be doing it. As far as preparing for IVF, I just took a multi-vitamin, ate healthily and tried to get myself in better shape physically. There is a "Complementary and Holistic Approaches" section - CLICK HERE with several sub sections which give you hints on things you can do, but I decided to just do the simple things and not stress about it too much.

I am sure a few glasses would be ok, as long as you don't get drunk every night, a little of what you fancy does you good. Caffeine gives me stomach cramps so I haven´t had a caffeinated cup of tea since I was a teenager, so I can´t help you with those withdrawals.

Here are a few links that I think might help you, either now or in the future.

Secondary Infertility ~ CLICK HERE

IVF General chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Cycle Buddies (undergoing treatment at the same time) - CLICK HERE

Regional ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Chat Zone section which will give you info on upcoming chats in the chat room: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck!          

Sue


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