# Know of a counsellor?



## barbiegirl (Sep 20, 2004)

Hello,

This is my first post after ages of reading the message boards. I have learnt so much and felt so close to everyone, it's been such a help to me.  I look at the site at lunchtime at work so it's been difficult for me to post - I get tearful so easily about things at the moment that I keep having to pop to the loo so no one notices!

I would really appreciate your help.  We have discovered that my DH's infertility is due to a genetic mutation.  We could try ICSI but the chances of passing on the abnormality to a child is too big a risk for us.  DH is not keen on us using donor sperm.

I thought I was coping OK.  The money I would have spent on baby things I am spending on shoes.  I have a LOT of shoes. But now I'm running out of space for any more shoes I'm getting angry.

I'm angry that I can't have my own baby, I'm angry that I have to be calm and supportive of our families when we tell them about the problem, I'm angry every time someone says 'you never know, perhaps it will happen naturally' - no, it won't!!!

I try and keep it under wraps but it's eating me up. We have a great relationship but I don't want to burden my DH with all this anger.  I'd like to talk to a counsellor but don't know where to look for one. 

Has anyone got any ideas?

Thanks for letting me rant.  I've just read this back and I sound such a nasty spoilt person.  I definitely need to go and talk to someone!

Thanks
Ali


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## dollyzx (May 7, 2003)

Hi Ali 
You are not a nasty spoilt person - you are struggling with the grief of infertility , it is such a big lose in life & very much a bereavement . You need to give yourself time & space , & don't belittle your feelings  .
I too am struggling & considering counselling , though haven't yet taken the step . Are you on the " books " of a fertility clinic ( I see you are not having treatment just now ) If so they will have a counselling service you can access . If not try your GP who should be able to refer you 
I would be interested in stories from anyone who has tried counselling - did it help ? 
Take care Ali 
Love &  
Dollyzx xx


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## mini (May 17, 2004)

HIya 

it can take some time to set up a cousellor but your GP should be able to advice 

in the meantime do give the samaritians a try atlest its free and you get someone to talk to immediatley and you dont have to be suicidal to use them 

love Mini xx


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## sas jane v (Aug 7, 2003)

hi Ali - I would agree with Dolly - if you are still attached to a clinic try them otherwise via your GP (could be a long wait and dont be out off if they refer you to a psychiatric nurse youre not nuts) another option is to find one yourself if you cant wait - loook in yellow oages they should be registered with British Association of Counselling 
have used it sporadically in the past esp after miscarriages anf family problems and sometimes even one visit helps but please try and see what you think it does help you get a perspective on things and you know from here that there many of us in the same boat
p.s.one of the girls on here who I met is lovely and took up boxing which apparently has been a great help !!!

best of luck and keep getting it off your chest - better out than in !!
      Sarah xx


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## Juel (Jan 17, 2003)

Hiya Ali,

I can only ditto the others really but if you are attached to a clinic then i would say that they would be your best bet as their councellors will be well aware of the trauma of IF & will be better prepared to help you with your feelings.

I had one session at our clinic but to be honest i was a bit dissapointed,i don't really know why but i didn't open up as i thought i would but Dave was with me so i guess that was why 

Something that did help me though was Hypnothearapy the man that i saw was also trained as a councellor...he was fantasic & had a way of getting me to open up.
I don't show my feelings very well as i find it hard to cry publicly but wow did he get me crying & i felt really comfortable with him....that was a major factor!!
He gave me ideas on how to release my anger too as i was so angry after my m/c's & it was eating me up & draining me totally but releasing it in a productive way is good.

Please don't be too hard on yourself,we all get these feelings & anger is actually healthy as you are still strong & fighting professional peeps get more concerned if you are hiding away & loosing the fighting instinct so please don't worry....you're doing ok.

I also took up boxercise which was a fantasic way to release anger & frustration....beating the hell out of a punch bag is fantasic but i don't do it now as part of my "new outlook" is to have some me time & pamper myself as i was really letting myself go  & part of this is acrylic nails which wouldn't stand the punching ..i really miss it though.

I hope you find some help that suits you Ali...we all need it sometimes but we are all here to help you through this so please keep posting 

luv
juel xx


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## sas jane v (Aug 7, 2003)

Hi Juel - love the thought of you trying to Box with your acrylic nails - why not ditch the nails and get stick ons then you can have both
would you mind Iming me with the details of the hypnotherapist if hes local as Im near you and dh has just been diagnosed with early Parkinsons and feeling quite stressed so may help him too
...do you think he can cope with both of us  I dont mean together as I always prefer to go on my own to these things

  anyway hope you are doing ok and good you are pampering yourself

    Sarah xx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hey Ali

Welcome to FF!

I have to agree with what the others have said too.  Your clinic would defo be your best bet as the counsellors there are trained in fertility issues whereas at the GP they tend to cover different areas.

Let us know how you are doing.

Laine x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi Barbiegirl

I went and wailed over my GP a couple of years ago and she referred me to a counsellor who i've been seeing ever since - about 6 times a year, so every couple of months. she is an NHS psycho-sexual counsellor and i didnt think at first she would be the right person - she deals alot with rape victims and women who have 'sexual difficulties'. however, as she rightly pointed out infertility interferes a great deal with ones sex life and so she didnt see why i shouldnt see her. i have found her immensely helpful, and like Juel, i have had tears many times which isnt something i do enough of, but she makes me feel like its ok. I always leave feeling more positive and have leant strategies to cope with some of the feelings and down times i have. Unfortunately she is leaving soon and I have to see her successor which I'm sure will be ok but it'll be wierd.
a friend of mine had the  free counselling at the fertility clinic i go to and said it wasnt that great - bit wishy washy, gave them  internet sites to look at, and names of associations to contact. I think some clinics just offer it cos they have to and dont necessarily have the most experienced counsellors

hope this helps

kimj x


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## Clare_S (Aug 9, 2003)

Hi Barbiegirl

Welcome to FF

With regard to counsellors then I can only repeat what the girls have said

GP referral
IF Clinics - if you are with an IF clinic then there should be a counsellor available to discuss this with.

Check out to see if you workplace has access to counselling ours has a free service run separately to the company and offers 5 sessions with a counsellor at the companys expense. It is completely confidential.

You could take a look at the Infertility Network which was created from Child and Issue. They also have an area called More to Life about involutary childlessness. I have no idea what they are like.

http://www.bica.net/ is the link to the homepage of the British Infertility Counselling Association. The counsellor I used is listed on this site.

Hope some of this is of use

Clare


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