# Using a family member as a donor



## 1st-pink-baby (Sep 8, 2011)

First of all.....Hi to everyone,

I came across this website the other day and thought it looked like a fantastic support network  I don't really know any of the abbreviations used, just a couple (is there a link any one has to a list of these) so if I use any wrong....or use an abbreviation that means something as some ones name, please let me know!

A quick intro; My name is Jenni, I have 2 children conceived naturally from a "normal" (the word normal is used very loosely in this case!) relationship, C is a boy and is 5 going on 18, and J is a girl who is 3. I have now been in a relationship, with my now DW, for nearly 3 years. It will be our 1st anniversary of our CP on New Years Eve  

When I signed up with this site a few days ago I thought I would be coming on and asking for some advice about finding a donor. We have tried to conceive a couple of times through Fertility First (I am sure there are threads on here about them after they appeared the news  )We have asked a close friend, but he was not able to get his head around it. Then we looked at clinics in the UK, but the price and waiting list put us off.....but mainly it was the clinical manner we did not like. At the end of the day I know some people have no choice but to go down this route (my mum  being one of them) but having already tried home insemination we decided thats what we wanted to do. So we then looked at a sperm bank in Denmark, we even chose a donor and read up a lot about how it all works. But for some reason we never got round to actually going ahead and i think it turns out that it was due to the fact that it was from Denmark. We thought that the child might find that hard to accept later on in life, especially if they decided to try and track their "father" down.

Whilst my mother was on a trip in the UK (she lives in Israel) I had a heart to heart with her and her first response was "have you asked CW" ......my brother. I did actually try asking him about a year ago and it was definite NO. But i thought it was worth trying again. CW is not in a relationship, is young and enjoying a responsibility free life

I text him and basically said that I had something very special to ask of him. That me and DW would like a child together and for her to go through that experience. I said that the closest way for US to have a child TOGETHER was to ask him, as he shares the same genes as me. The child will have family links to me, will maybe look a little like me and have similar traits to me.

Amazingly his response was that is most probably a yes, because "if there is ever a time in my life not to be selfish it is when my sister asks something this important of me"

So that is a huge hurdle over come, it is "most probably a yes".......but I wanted to ask if any one on here has done something similar, how it all went and what the out come is.

Some things we have been thinking about.....
* The fact that my child will biologically be my niece/nephew
* My DW will have to get her head around using her brother-in-laws sperm
* How my family will respond (even thought it was my mothers suggestion she was puzzled when I told her and I'm not even sure if CW wants the whole family knowing)
* How the child will react late on in life
* How to sensitively handle the actual day of donation and insemination

I know that CW won't be funny later on, I think he will want to have a role similar to that which he currently has with C and J. I think he will want to be involved, but not actively as a "father" and I'm certain he wont turn to fighting for access later on in life. He will not be on the birth certificate, as I can go on as a second parent and we will then apply for adoption.

What are all your thoughts and experiences and is there anything I have not thought about

Thanks in advance for your help 

Jenni


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## Debbie&#039;s Wife (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi Jenni, welcome to FF! 

Don't worry about the abbrevations, you get used to them! I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with a link to the list of all the main ones  If in doubt just ask what it means if you see someone use one in their post.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice about using a family member as a donor (DW has 3 very fertile brothers but she has always said she wouldn't feel right asking one of them- she already has 5 nephews and said she'd worry about how'd they feel and how she'd see our baby compared to her nephews).

I think some people on here have used family members as donors and I'm sure they'll be along soon to anwer your questions 

Emma x x x

PS. As far as I know if you are CP'd then you can just go straight on the Baby's birth certificate, which gives you all the 'normal' parental rights and responsibilities... so you don't have to apply for adoption anymore.


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## 1st-pink-baby (Sep 8, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. That is one of the things we have to think about too...I had also forgotten to mention how my current children will feel about sharing their "uncle" with the newbie plus how any potential girlfriends my brother will have in the future will feel as well.

I was jumping for joy when he said its probably a yes....now my brain has gone into over drive.

Thanks for mentioning about the birth certificate, I didnt realise that it gave the same rights as an adoption would. Will have a look into it


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi,
Our known donor is my brother-in-law and it has worked fabulouly well. We went through a clinic which gave us the degree of separation that we all wanted. It is pricey and a lengthy process but we preferred it for us. We spent alot of time discussing things, asking every question you could possibly ask each other and discussing it with DW (and BIL's) parents to gain their views. We also all met up with the clinic's counsellor (separately). I have made a book to explain to our son how he was 'made' and I tell him his story often. My DW is biologically our son's aunt but she feels 100% his mum. It has really worked out well. I feel it is important to meet up with other gay families to give our son a communitity for when he is older and I am sure he will have many questions. There is a website called Donor Conception Network and I expect we will link up with them when our son is a bit older to ensure he has a suppoer network if he needs it. We are trying to conceive a second child in exactly the same way-this way he will have a full bro or sis with exactly the same experience and genetics as himself,
Hope this helps,
Becs x


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