# Try for a sibling using DD?



## Sootie (Feb 2, 2012)

I was very lucky to conceive DD who is now 2 from OE after 5 fresh cycles.  Due to MF we has 4 embryos put back, 2 with DH sperm and 2 DS.  We do not wish to find out the result of DD origin which resulted but I have a feeling she came from one of the donor sperm embryos.

We were fortunate to have two frozen embryos from the cycle which I had put back last month but sadly it resulted in BFN.

Now I am nearly 44 and I know that my eggs are going to be too old so if we have another it would have to be DD.  Penny at Serum has said the sperm donor is still available which is great and I would be very grateful to any future donor about using their eggs…..I’m just worried about how any future child would feel.  You see DD is a mini me, everyone comments on it and I just don’t want any future child to think they didn’t fit in or look like either parent.  DH is happy to stay as a one child family but I would love DD to have a sibling, especially as we are older parents.

Would appreciate people’s views/experiences as it’s stressing me out and know if I’m going to do a DD cycle it needs to be soon before I really do get too old and the age gap too big!

Thanks for reading xx


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## chocolate_teapot (Sep 10, 2008)

I think it's impossible to give "advice" as such, only share opinions. I was in a similar situation in that I had DS1 naturally with DH but then couldn't conceive again (MF) and we were initially told that donor sperm might be necessary. We decided that we didn't want to go ahead with donor sperm as we were worried that we would think differently about that child. We were then very lucky in that iVF worked with my DH's sperm but no, we wouldn't have used donor sperm otherwise.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Sootie,

I guess it comes down to which you would regret more - not trying or having a child that looked different (although using the same sperm donor the sibling would still share 50% of your daughter's genes).

I have a DE daughter who is my spitting image (& natural conception impossible) so you can have a child that looks like you from DE - it isn't a random lucky bag, they will match you up to a donor who looks like you.

Also your daughter and any further child you have will only know donor treatment was used at all if you tell them.

Best of luck whatever you decide,

B xxx


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## Shamrock. (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi Sootie
After 4 failed rounds incl a m/c using OE/OS we decided to move to DE and due to MF we had half the DE fertilized with DH sperm and half with DS. Of the resulting embryos the ones with DH sperm were fragmented so we decided to only have double donor embryos transferred.  I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl. When she was 4 months old some kind of miracle occurred and I became pregnant naturally and went on to give birth to a little boy. So now I have two children one conceived with double donor embryos and one conceived with my eggs and DH sperm. 

I honestly don’t feel different about either of them - they are both my children and I love them equally. They are at different stages of development and have their own individual personalities so there are different things that I love about each of them but the amount of love I have for them is the exactly the same. They might have different genetics and look different from each other but they are my children and we are a family. Our family might be a bit unconventional but none the less we are still a family and a very happy family at that. 

People always comment on who a baby looks like, it’s just the norm. When there was just my little girl people always said she looked like DH but now we have my little boy aswell people think that he looks like my DH and that my little girl looks like me. People just see what they expect to see. I don’t think either of my children look like me or DH but really at the end of the day does it really matter who they look like or don’t look like? They are their own individuals. 

We are going to tell our daughter about her origins because I don’t want her to grow up with a big unspoken secret that we are keeping from her. We are going to tell her from a young age so that it is just something she will always know. We have told our story to a couple of close family members and a couple of close friends already and all have been very supportive and not made a big deal about it. We told a close friend recently and she said she didn’t suspect a thing about the children having different genetics and neither did the other people we told. 
In today’s society there are lots of different types of families and a lot made up of children with different genetics e.g. if someone has a child from a previous relationship and then goes on to have more children with a different partner. They are all just families and nobody is making a big deal about the genetics. I know someone who has 4 naturally conceived children who have 3 different fathers and they all just get along and there is no big deal. 

I do think about the future and how my little girl might feel because we used anonymous donors for her conception and then my little boy can trace his genetics back as far as he wants if that is something he wants to do but I can’t predict how she might feel. All I can do is provide a loving family environment for her to grow up in and be honest with her and treat both my children equally and hopefully she will grow up knowing she is loved and that it won’t be a problem. If it is we will deal with it as it happens. 

Myself and DH would love another child in our family so at the moment we are trying naturally again but because I am almost 43 now we are just giving it til the summer and then we are going to go back to Serum and do a FET using double donor embryos of the same genetic make up as our little girl. 

Best of luck with your decision. I waffled a bit there but I hope some of what I said might be helpful. If you want you can PM me anytime to talk about it further.


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## Snowfallz (Mar 12, 2013)

Sootie said:


> I was very lucky to conceive DD who is now 2 from OE after 5 fresh cycles. Due to MF we has 4 embryos put back, 2 with DH sperm and 2 DS. We do not wish to find out the result of DD origin which resulted but I have a feeling she came from one of the donor sperm embryos.
> We were fortunate to have two frozen embryos from the cycle which I had put back last month but sadly it resulted in BFN.
> Thanks for reading xx


After doing this journey of ART over the years with both successes and failures, it comes down to the couple's personal decision on how to build a family in my opinion. Some people adopt children from an adoption agency (wish I can afford it), and some may go through another adoption process using donors. I have thought for a year about extending the family. If I now use an egg donor, 2 children are gentically related to me and the third will be 1/2 sibling to the older children. I held off trying for a 3rd child for this reason, but with time, I am comfortable and accepting. I have little original donor sperm reserved but will be enough for two attempts. If this fails, that is it for me at my age. Raising children and having family is about strength and you don't have much time to reflect on the gene thing with newborn and children around the house. Some days are crazy. Using donors does not affect the quality of parenting or amount of love as seen from DH.


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

You know, I kind of wonder why not just adopt. I hate adoption bring imposed upon infertile people by default so please don't think it's that, but it just seems that you're looking at having a none biological child and the secret donor thing is raising a lot of questions so why not just come clean from the get go with a sibling and give a non biological child a home in which there is no hiding their origin and no comparisons or expectations to be made?

That seems to be the only way to regain some clarify in what has the potential to turn into quite a genetic tangle xx


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## Snowfallz (Mar 12, 2013)

L_ouise said:


> You know, I kind of wonder why not just adopt.


Adoptions are lengthy and difficult for younger children in the US. Costs are very high like 25K-45K due to shortages and very long waiting lists at home and overseas. Economics do play a role in raising children and making decisions. We hoped to have 3 children during our thirties and struggled with infertility so that it left us with difficult decisions. I tried to have the last one by me but it did not work out.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

I would have loved to have "just" adopted - in fact we tried this option first. Genetics never bothered me & I preferred the idea of giving a home to a child already in the world.

We quickly discovered that this process (UK) was even more invasive, protracted and psychologically traumatic than IVF and equally comes with no guarantee of a child at the end. The hoops to jump through are impossibly high and you have far less control over things than with IVF. Frankly I could cope a lot better with strangers poking about up my vagina than in my house and every aspect of our personal lives.

I wouldn't change my daughter for the world but I was very ill with OHSS twice & nearly lost my life due to major postpartum haemorrhage on top of spending £20k in total for treatment & it still makes me sad that women like us have to go through all this when there are so many children in need of a family.

Best wishes to all still on this journey.

B xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

bombsh3ll said:


> Frankly I could cope a lot better with strangers poking about up my vagina than in my house and every aspect of our personal lives.


Sorry to intrude, but OMG that made me chuckle 
It's so very true, and I have to say after having had people poking about in both areas (three times in one location, and twice in the other), I have to say I couldn't have put it better myself.
I wouldn't change things for the world of course, but yes one 'intrusion' was quite a bit easier than the other I have to admit.

Just to add though, things have fortunately changed a lot over the last couple of years, and although there are still many parts of the adoption process that desperately need changing, it's definitely a lot better than it was a few years ago.

Anj x


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