# Feeling jealous and alone - any suggestions?



## Kimba9407

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums, this is my first topic on this board, I'm hoping you can help. I'm turning 43 in a couple of weeks which marks the end of our journey to having kids with our own eggs, and kids at all for that matter because we are done. We have beautiful nieces and twin God babies, and right now I'm having a hard time seeing pictures and videos of them, and feel so jealous of their moms. One niece is the same age that our first baby would be, and our God babies just turned 1. I feel like a horrible Aunt and Godmother for not being more involved in their lives. All of our friends have kids and I'm finding that I'm also jealous of the friends they are making with other parents and all the activities they get to do with their kids.  Anyone have suggestions to help get through this? On the one hand, I cry every time I see them on ********,  on the other I'm upset that they don't include us more in their lives. 

I hope some day to get to the point that being around them doesn't hurt so much but right now I don't know how I'm going to get there. Any suggestions?


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## ShoSho

Hi Kimba, hope you are ok.
I am pretty sure that when we are all going through this, friends around us seem to be having babies left right and centre.  These forums are useful for showing us we are not alone, and also that there is hope for us all, whatever form that hope may take.

Please know that you are not alone though, we understand that desperate feeling.

I hope you are ok.  

Big hugs!
Sho Sho xxxx


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## CrazyHorse

Kimba, I think what you're saying is that you aren't looking for advice on how to stay positive about possibly having kids in the future, but rather you need to find a way to feel positive about your life without children. Is that right? 

I do understand. DH and I aren't done with our trying yet, but I can definitely see a possible future where we decide that enough heartache and wasted money is, quite simply, enough. Sometimes a cherished dream has to be laid to rest so that the present life you are actually living can be a good place. 

As for how you feel better about other people's children, I don't think there's any straightforward path for that -- it's different for everybody. I personally haven't had difficulty being around other people's children, but I definitely understand the jealousy of the experiences that their parents are getting to have that you are not. It's very difficult, and I don't think you should beat yourself up for needing to limit your exposure to children right now. Friends who really love you (as opposed to just liking to have you around when you're a fun and convenient friend / lifestyle accessory) will understand if you kindly and gently tell them that you're going through grief over your infertility and have to be careful about how much time you spend around children right now, as it is a trigger for massive sadness, but still need their love and support.


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## Kimba9407

Hi CrazyHorse,

You are correct. Due to a variety of reasons we have decided to call it quits and moving on. 6 months ago I wasn't having this much difficulty around the kids. It wasn't perfect but since this is a pretty recent decision, I feel like I'm going through a new grieving process. Therapist is telling me that I need to let myself feel the emotions. I've historically buried everything (which I'm sure is why things were not quite right before either). I need advice and encouragement around this decision. My heart is aching right now.  I have bipolar disorder on top of everything and this has triggered a round of depression. And I need to talk to more people to get myself out of it.

Thank you for your suggestions, it helps just knowing I'm not alone with these feelings.

Kim


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## Dancing duck

I totally understand how you are feeling as I feel the same. We have one last appt with specialist and then game over so am bracing myself for another bout of feeling alone and grieving for what may have been.
I find it hard to be around DH's children even though they are teenagers as its just a reminder of what we could have had. Also finding it hard as 2 members of my extended family are expecting and its all my mum talks about even though she knows our situation. Makes me feel like a failure on so many levels.
All I can say is keep up with the therapy - it helps to just get things off your mind and try and make plans for things to look forward to every so often.
Im hoping to get a puppy in the spring to give me something to focus on and get me out a bit more as I have shut myself off from socialising lately.
Be kind and patient with yourself - these are not feelings that will go away quickly as someone has already said if you feel fragile don't out yourself under uneccessary pressure.
Hopefully the feelings will become more manageable in time - I'm hoping so as I don't want to feel like this forever!
Take care x


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## Kimba9407

Thank you so much ladies. Your responses have a lot of good suggestions. Failure is something else I've been feeling. My brother was able to give my parents 2 beautiful granddaughters and had success through IVF. I'm acknowledging the feelings of jealousy for the first time and it's all overwhelming.  I like the idea of the traffic light concept. Telling my family, who don't seem very understanding, kindly and gently about the situation sounds like a daunting task. I know I can't have it both ways, but I don't want them to start thinking I'm a delicate flower who can't handle news and events involving our nieces. Just need them to respect my space to grieve and move on. I guess it's probably worse for me to not say anything and for them to misinterpret my emotions and behavior.

Getting a puppy is a great idea. We have 2 and they are like our kids, and even behave that way sometimes. It helps fill the hole in my heart a little bit.

I think time and going easy on myself are going to be the hardest things. I'm not very patient with myself (although, are any of us, really?).  Our second miscarriage was 5 years ago and I'm realizing that I didn't deal with the grief. Sometimes this all feels surreal... 

Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words!


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## Glorianna

Hi.

You are not alone. It is difficult being around my friends who have children, and it takes time to deel with the grief. I am 45 yrs old - and I know a lot of children who 
live in homes with parents who do not care about them. I do volunteering - helping others.


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## lucyluce

Hi Kimba, I hope you are ok. I had the exact same feelings in 2012 when my IVF failed. All my friends seemed to be getting pregnant and were moving on with their life and I was having to deal with the IVF failing and the fact I probably would never ever have children. 
I cant remember the exact moment it gets easier as it is a very slow process but It certainly does get easier to cope with. If you need to shut your self off from those people with babies then they will understand and it will help you but the jealous feelings will eventually just disappear. If you need to talk then im happy to talk to you xxxx


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