# Competitive link.. what to expect?



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

In a competitive link situation.... How do you handle the meeting if you have been shortlisted?

What do sw look for?

Room done or not done?

Kids bits around or not around.... We have nothing, but can shop!

How do they decide?

Tips on how to play meeting?

Thank you x


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Firstly congrats on your potential link 

I'm not a lot of help I'm afraid as we luckily weren't in a competitive match (or not that we knew of anyway  ), all I will say is be yourselves, don't over tidy etc, they want to see that your prepared for any untidiness a child brings lol  , so be tidy but not spotless, our room wasn't done, we had no carpets, it was empty and we had just painted the walls, lo's sw just wanted to see where lo would sleep so just be able to show your ready to do it asap and maybe mention that 'your waiting until linked so that you can decorate the room to the particular childs likes etc, or with the child once home (age dependant)'

Edited to add, our meeting was very casual, we went over the childs CPR, they asked if we had any questions, looked around the house, discussed potential matching panel dates if all was good etc, they were only there an hour for a generally informal chit chat with a cuppa. If your potential lo has any medical issues, or anything at all make sure you do your homework as to how you will manage it etc, always pays to show you've done your homework, but again, not OTT  

Relax and good luck x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Only a potential, nothing seen or confirmed.... Just mentioned competitive and wondered how that would be.... In terms of getting knocked back if we decide to go ahead xx

Thank you for your feedback.  So difficult.  Congrats on your LO..... Never thought this would be the hard bit. Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good luck we weren't competitive after the paper work stage so can't help too much.  Just wanted to say don't let the competitive bit stop you from asking all the questions and getting all the information you need to be sure if this is the right link for you.  Hope it goes really well xx


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

FMN - we weren't a competitive match as such but we were told there was another couple who were really interested but that from our PAR they thought we were a better match and so only wanted to meet us at this stage. Obviously if our meeting hadn't gone well they may have then considered the other couple. 
We asked questions about little blue and said that we wanted to see some medical reports and nursery assessments of we were to proceed and that we would like to meet some of the medical professionals who had been involved in his care as well as foster carers and they agreed that was a good idea.
We don't have his room ready and it is still set up as a guest room but I talked them through the furniture and decor I had thought of using for little blue and they were happy enough with that.
What I think was really important and what seemed to impress them most was connecting with hobbies and interests e.g whilst blue is too young for hobbies he likes running about outside so we made a big thing about how big and secure our back garden was and how many local parks and fields there were in the area. I also did a lot of research into pre-schools, nursery school and primary schools in the area and what their access to SEN services was like.

So find out as much as you can about the little one snd their needs in advance and work with tying in with those needs and interests. Good luck!


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

Our LA only do competitive matching, it sucks.
They basically see both sets of adopters and choose.


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Disneyrocks said:


> Our LA only do competitive matching, it sucks.
> They basically see both sets of adopters and choose.


That must be really really hard, it stinks actually, surely they don't always need to see both grr!


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

FMN - We were in a competitive match for our little pink monkey (lots & lots of interest & they narrowed it down to 2 couples to actually visit) - her SW & FF loved our commitment & connection to our monkey from very early on (we talked about how from first hearing about her we weren't interested in any other lo's & didn't actually look at any other profiles & how we already had envisaged her in our lives) as well as the empathy we had for birth mother. Also talked about how we would support her understand her history & who would support us /her as she grow from little girl to teenager & the difficulties teenage girls face today with self esteem etc coupled with adoption history. Now that is years away as our little monkey was a teeny weeny one when she came home, but they liked that we thought about all angles. 

Every situation is different, but be yourself & try to relax...easy said then done I know!! Good Luck xx


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

We were lucky as our LA does not show profiles to more than one couple at a time so there is no competitive matching. Lots of luck to you


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We had a competitive match, felt like X factor an was awful...we was devastated to be told we was second best but not at approval panel for a few weeks so chose someone already approved...

Thank god they didn't want us because a week later we got our gorgeous babies profile and a second joined us as a little 6m baby 9 months later x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your comments.  It's very difficult not knowing what they are looking for.... Being yourself is great, but it's hard as don't want to be over emotional, too laid back, too presumptuous, too why would you pick us....

It's all a mind game, but I guess they need to get it rigt for the child, but someone will loose out and that will be sad... Lucky not the lo xx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

On our first link, we weren't told it was competitive and thought they were just visiting us. We had a call an hour before they were due to visit telling us they'd just seen the other family and they were perfect, so weren't even going to bother coming out to us! Came as a bit of a shock and we were devastated. 

With our second link, we were told from the outset that there were 4 families being considered, including us. I deliberately didn't get my hopes up and found myself thinking of reasons it wasn't a good match, just so I wouldn't get too disappointed if it didn't work out. That was a bad idea and I wouldn't recommend doing that, as at one point I'd almost talked myself out of the match! In the end they decided to visit just us and one other family. They came to see us in the morning and were going on to see the 2nd family in the afternoon. They came on a Thursday and we had to wait until Tuesday to hear, which felt like a lifetime but was also quite exciting! They chose us and we were ecstatic, but I did feel awful for the other family, which slightly dampened it.  

While it did feel stressful, I think I would have been just as stressed if it wasn't competitive. I'd still have worried about them liking us and thinking we were right. I'd still have been concerned about how tidy the house was, etc. In some ways, I think it would have been worse if they'd just visited us...because then if they didn't choose us we'd have felt really bad! And if we hadn't have felt the match was right on our side, it would have been very hard to say so, as I'd have been worried about the LOs having a delay in finding a family. At least with competitive, if another family is chosen, you know that the LO has gone to a great home. I just prayed and figured if it was meant to be, it would be


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We haven't had a competitive match, but I'd personally approach it in two ways - telling why you think it's a good match with you, and asking them what in your PAR made them think it might be a good match, which gives you some pointers on what to focus on as the meeting goes on!

In my experience you can't be too presumptuous or keen - we said "when he comes home," a lot in our meeting, which we didn't realise we were doing, but they told us afterwards they loved.  

Good luck!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Wise words ladies.  I am hoping we are genuinely in the running, and not a gap filler.  I will be deversated, but lo will get the best I am sure... They know what they are looking for..... And we may or may not be it.

Just feel so very nervous.  All the build up to seeing the cpr and now I have come out with a massive bug and feel away.  Want her to be ours, and want to tell the world, but can't.... That's hard to lose her will be bad enough, but for others to know and lose her too, too much.  

I can't stop mulling it all over in my head... How do you switch off?  Am hopeless xx

But thank you all for taking the time to reply xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Big hugs, it's really hard.  Nothing will stop you being a nervous wreck, but they understand that.

If she's supposed to be yours, it'll happen.  If not, it's because YOUR child is still out there, and needs YOU.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hope so AoC!
Been so rough this week.... Think all the stress! Big deep clean this weekend... Arghhhhh
Going to sort the what be bedroom and empty it.
So much to do xx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Wishing you the best of luck. We were in a competitive match and it was awful, but mainly because we saw the other couple! We had known and expressed an interest in ours very early in stage 2. They were going to an activity day so seemed an ideal time to see them. Got their to find an out of area couple interested. We're stunned to be honest, how an out of area couple knew about them already, especially as placement order had just been granted a month earlier and they knew we were interested read cpr etc. on the day we didn't get a look in until 10 minutes at the end. We thought they were gone from us as the other couple were so keen and we weren't even approved. However they waited until our approval which was a month later and we expressed our wish to proceed. 
Their sw wanted to meet us prior to the linking meeting as there were some locality issues and wanted to see us. Looking back now we were so shell shocked I don't think we asked enough, we were just ourselves, as relaxed as possible. We discussed their personalities and how we felt they would fit with us, what we could offer, how we would support their individual needs and issues. She had a nosey round our house (mainly cos of bedroom sharing, so I was glad I'd cleaned!)
The link meeting occurred and after 3 hours my. Dh had to call our sw. Turned out that they had chosen us but turned into a planning meeting after grrrrrr! I wasn't sure at the time if it was purely down to us being in house (I.e cheaper), that got us the match, although the other couples sw didn't even go. Learnt a lot since from the foster carer and there was more to it, our personalities, our commitment, our approach. 
Looking back now as I sit here watching my monkeys play it was worth it, and yes even though it was stressful at least they know that other people were interested in them (people had enquired about them split up too) and they weren't just given to us as there was no other choice., particularly after the abandonments and rejections they had previously faced.
My advice is relax (I know that's hard), ask questions ( we asked about how they were currently doing in FC, emotionally and physically) but be yourself 
Good luck x x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks Phinnie xx

We met our sw tongiht and there really wasn't much to ask.. Nor did we both have q's from cpr.....

So dreading it now!

She just said be yourselves! Gonna be hard... Also have lost my voice... So praying it will come back soon xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

And breath.... It's in the hands on the gods now!!!


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

How did it go? Any idea when matching meeting is and you find out?


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

It went really well... But wouldn't have thought it wouldn't if that makes sense.  They have already met the other couple, and still came and saw us, so maybe that's a good sign?!  I don't know!  How can you tell?!  They want to move quick so will find out monday/tuesday x yikes!  Scary!!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Good luck FMN!   xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks!

Will be crying one way or another!!!


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

Good Luck. Hope they don't keep you waiting too long!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks.... it's gonna kill!!

Not sure I am ready to 🙉 the news x said to our sw, I won't answer the phone... Too scared as will be crying either way lol xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Ah I hope you get your update soon!!!

When we got our phone call to say we wasn't us I was devastated!

We got a phone call two weeks later about our gorgeous monkey who is currently scoffing his lunch being ultra cool waving hi to passers by! 

Xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Oh gawd... Hope it's not a no!!

Not sure I can cope with more disappointment.... But trying to be que sera sera!!

Not sure it will last that long.... Will already be decided am sure as soon as they left..... Jus,t a bit of time and torture to add to the mix!!

Glad you got your little monkies x


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

FMN - really hope it's good news and that gear from them early on Monday x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Dear all,
Thank you for all your advise.  Our first experience of a link meeting and a competitive link were generally good. It went well and they made all the right noises.  However. We were unsuccessful. The other couple had two bits of experience, we didn't say though we do have.  Think it's a valuable lesson in that you need to tell the, everything!!!
I don't think we will enter this again, as someone has to miss out and that's hard.  I think we will tell them to visit the other couple first and if they don't like them then to come visit!  I get its all good for the child, but in reality, I don't think so good for us!!  
So back to the drowning board and back to work with no news.  I am so glad we haven't told many in real life as it's hard to now not get her and not be chosen!! Feel like a failure.
Dh has gone to work and barely said a word.  Think he is down and out too x. Think he's had enough of my tears.... Not in a horrible one, just that doesn't want me to be sad anymore.  Just don't get it!
Anyway I waffle!!  Will pick ourselves up and get on with things x take care and thanks guys x nice to be able to moan!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Huge hugs I am so sorry it's really hard.  I honestly found this stage horrendous.  It is a loss and really upsetting so allow yourself to grieve a little and don't minimise your feelings.  Society may not recognise it but it is very real.  I agree competitive links are very cruel to adopters.  I'd also argue unnecessary as SW's should  be  able to answer all questions etc that's why we do home study.  Take some time for yourself curl up with a book have a hot bath whatever relaxs you.  I hope your beautiful lo finds you soon xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

You are definitely not a failure you've done amazingly xxxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

But just not getting anywhere x. All I ever wanted in life was to get married have a family and can't even achieve that x still and it goes on....  Over life has been in limbo of what ifs not for 8 years..... Surely we deserve a break and have suffered enough... I know we all have.  Just having a pity party!
Have got some much on at work today and that doesn't stop... and have to go and sort out everyone's problems when inside I am crying and crap in a situation that's killing me!!
Xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Ah forgetmenot, I think we all had our breaths held for you   xx
So sorry it didn't work out this time c


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

There is nothing anyone can say to make this better. One day it will all be worthwhile but until that day it all sucks! x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Forgetmenot,

Massive hugs to you, and as others have said, it totally sucks, and is such a cruel and difficult process when competitive matching is involved  

I am going to say something now that will most likely have you making rude gestures at the screen, and at the very least thinking I'm spouting utter nonsense, but so many people have agreed it to be true over time on here.
I'm going to risk saying it anyway as this way of thinking has helped me on a number of occasions, and certainly with 20+ years of wanting to be a Mummy.  

There is no denying that what you are going through is torture and feels endless and painful, there's just no making sense of it I know, but when you are finally matched with the lo that ends up joining your family it will all make sense. 
You will look back at the present time and be relieved that other links weren't meant to be, as otherwise your paths would never have crossed with your specific lo.
For some reason your particular lo hasn't reached the point in their life where their path is meant to cross with you, their Mummy and Daddy yet, but they are out there and very much needing you to stay strong and hang on in there for them 
For some reason I feel all tearful writing this , I think it's because I know first hand how true this is, and how dreadful you must be feeling right now .

I can honestly hand on heart using this same logic, look back and say I am glad I was never able to have a birth child, and wouldn't change all those many many years of trying even if I could, as I would never have been Mummy to our two lo's (and that just feels unthinkable now).

I really hope things turn a corner for you soon and everything starts to make sense 

Lots of love x x x x


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm so, so, so sorry FMN   

We were utterly distraught when our link fell through too - we'd convinced ourselves this LO was the one and had our hearts set on him. It's awful not being picked; we felt like we weren't good enough or that there was something wrong with us. Yet, at our next link we were chosen out of 4 families, so it's just that some kids are more suited to some families and some to others. 

Getting the right match is REALLY important for you and LO. I found the matching process horribly long-winded and it felt like it was all taking forever. I was really impatient to just get my LO and get on with life and would have said yes to almost any child - though that wasn't the case with the LO that fell through, I really felt he was perfect. In fact, he was the only one I had an emotional reaction to when reading his profile and, because we didn't know we were in a competitive link, we ended up getting totally emotionally attached to him! To be honest, I still think of him and wondered what happened with the family that was chosen. It wasn't to be for us, but I do hope he's very happy with his new parents. 

To give you a bit of hope, we went on to adopt a sibling group that we heard about just a couple of weeks after the disappointment of that first link. I now have two beautiful children napping upstairs and it's almost scary to think that had that first link gone ahead, I wouldn't have my two!

Your LO is out there and, I know it's horrible now and feels like it will never happen, but when you look back after you get your LO, you'll know why this one didn't happen for you xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Competitive matches are so cruel...they should have an idea of who they're looking for and not visit the second/third/fourth couple. In our competitive match we lost to a lady who was approved earlier than us, well they knew this before entering us into a match...

We then clearly said to our SW when presenting with a possible link we wouldn't enter competitive because too stressful waiting when every day passed you picture that child living with you.

You will find your child, and they'll find you as their parents....

Big hugs, glass of wine and see what tomorrow brings xx


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