# P'd Off - Need MORE Advice Please .. update in last post (April 09)



## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Apologies in advance for the whinge but I could really do with some impartial advice.

Here's the story: 
Am due in less than a week and am already thinking about Christening etc.
Long story short, I had always planned on using our 'family' (ie my Mum's) Christening Gown - the one that all us 'kids' were Christened in and that my sister has subsequently used to Christen her 3.
I said this to sis and asked her for the gown a while back .. no problem, she'd take it with her when LO is born and she comes to visit.
This evening I get a call from her and she turns the conversation to the Christening Gown. After telling me I'll have to do something to whiten it a bit she says .."and I want it back - I want to pass it on". She has completed her family while I'm "hopefully" just starting mine. She has one girl and I assume this is who she wants to 'pass it on to'. I don't know if I'm right or wrong ... please tell me if I'm completely wrong but ... I feel really hurt ... why does she have a 'right' to the Gown rather than me?? I always thought it would be kind of the family gown and my kids would have it for their kids etc etc but with her laying claim to it, well now I'm thinking if I should use it at all (hubby said it while I was thinking it!). Maybe I should just get my own gown or have one made from my wedding dress and kind of "start my own tradition" kind of thing (am I sounding mad in the head yet?).
To be honest, it's not the first thing she has laid claim to...she's ended up with most of the family 'heirlooms' (if that's what you could call them) -  Normally I just keep my mouth shut rather than have an argument.
Is it pregnancy h9ormones me feeling like this??
What would you do??


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

I think I'd probably say breezily: "Oh, that's ok - I'll keep it safe! If you need it first I'll bring it over..."

Then she can either make an issue of it, which is your cue to discuss how you feel about it, or she can put up and shut up!

These things have a way of simmering for years in families! That statement forces her to choose whether to make a big deal out of it or not.

Good luck!


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Think Miranda has given good advice, although the easy option would be to tell her to stuff it and do your own thing - but why should you!

Put the ball back in her court.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## Tina xx (Aug 30, 2006)

Hi OnlyMe,

I think Maranda has given you the best advice, why should she get to keep it? Hope it works out for you, let us know how you get on.

Good luck, hope you have a quick and easy labour too   

Tina xx


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## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Thanks Ladies   - wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive with my brain at the moment.
To be honest, I really don't want an argument with her ... she's a bit older and no matter what, always wins every argument ... think it comes from being a bossy teacher (sorry to any other teachers out there .. I know you're not all the same  ). One way or another I think she'll end up with the gown - there's no way she'll just let it go just because she's she IYKNIM and I'm not sure if I have the energy to argue with her so now I'm thinking shoot it, just get my own and when she asks why I'm not using the family one just say 'well I want to pass it down the line' ... that way she'll get the message without me haven been 'the bad guy'.
You know, I was having a hard time trying to decide between having her or having my Mum as Godmother but now I think my mind has been made up for me .... every silver cloud and all that.


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## kitten1 (Jan 1, 2007)

Why not have a chat with your mum??

It was her gown to start off with and so she should at least have a say in what happens to it!! She might even want it back when it's finished with for the time being!! You never know until you speak to her. Your mum might have already decided who it's going to be 'handed down' to a long time ago without anyone knowing.

Or, failing that, your mum might want to spruce it up ready for your LO anyway. 

Good luck!!

Mandy xx


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## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Aw, thanks for the post Kitty,
That's a good plan but Mum is getting on a bit and not in the best of health and she's getting to the stage where she doesn't want to be in the middle of anything ... she's very much 'sit back' and let the 'young ones' get on with it. Sometimes (just sometimes mind!) I wish she was a bit more like DH's Mum who isn't one to hold back too much.
I will mention it to her though but I'm thinking I'll get a fairly non-comittal answer back from her.

Families ... can't chose them and can't shoot them ... pity!


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I like the idea of starting your own tradition, I have a few friends who have done that with their wedding dresses and it is nice if you can keep it too..

Cat x


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## kitten1 (Jan 1, 2007)

My mum is also a bit of a 'sit back and let you three get on with it' too but every now and then, she does have an opinion and BOY!! Do we know about it!!


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## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Ladies,
Sorry about abandoning the post but I had the little matter of giving birth to our beautiful new bundle of joy a whole three days early!
Baby Rian Caoimhin arrived on Thursday at 12.54pm weighing in at 7lb 1oz.
He has five little fingers and five little toes and is perfect in every way.
We brought him home yesterday evening and although he's not too keen on his crib at night he has no such objection to Mammy and Daddys bed!  

So, although I still have to deal with the Christening Gown issue it's definately on the back burner for just a little while while the new boss aclimatises to his surroundings.

Thanks again for all the advice ladies


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

OnlyMe said:


> To be honest, I really don't want an argument with her ... she's a bit older and no matter what, always wins every argument One way or another I think she'll end up with the gown - there's no way she'll just let it go just because she's she IYKNIM and I'm not sure if I have the energy to argue with her


Have we goth the same sister??

Many congrats tho


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

​
*CONGRATULATIONS HUNNY * 

Cat x


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Congratulations! Good luck for the next 18 years or so!

xx


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## carrie3479 (Nov 30, 2005)

Awwww many congratulations on your wee bundle xxx


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## dakota (Feb 6, 2007)

Congratulations hun on the birth of baby Rian  

Making a gown out of your wedding dress is a great idea   then it can be passed to your grandchildren and great granchildren

Nikki xx


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## Tina xx (Aug 30, 2006)

Congrats on the birth of your little one    Hope you are all well


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## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Hello ladies,
I'm so sorry I didn't get back to this post sooner ... thanks everyone for your help and advice waaayyyy back in August - I need more advice on this ...

THE CHRISTENING GOWN SAGA:
Long story short, when sis came to see my little man and the Christening was mentioned, it all blew up. I got really upset and told her that I was reallly really hurt and that I thought the gown was a family one etc etc etc. She said that she had itfor her three and it was the 'only' thing she wanted etc etc and cause it was Dad that chose it (he died a number of years ago) and didn't 'I' get the stuff 'out of his wallet' when he died .... my dad never carried a wallet ... I asked her 'what exactly did I get' .. not that that was the point.
Anyways, in the end she agreed that it wasn't hers and that it was 'ours' and that I should use it ... so, I did.
Well since the Christening, sis hasn't been down home (she lives about 3 hours away) - even though Mum has had a stroke and been in hospital and rehabilitation unit of an old peoples home twice etc she never bothered to come down and even thouogh I had just had a baby that was pretty sick (ended up finally being diagnosed with reflux) it ended up being me sorting out my Mum for the last few months - that's ANOTHER story.
Well, she's coming down today for two nights for Easter .... so, yesterday I got a phone call .... she wants the Christening Gown back!!!!!!!         
She's laying claim to it again and said she only said it was 'ours' because I was so upset at the time and sure they're 'only words' ... but 'I can use it if I have more children' ... isn't she so kind  
I told her it was worse telling me this now AFTER I've already christened Rian in it and she said 'it's not'!!! ... I'm very very very sentimental, I have every thing Rian wore in the hospital wrapped up and labeled, his first proper 'outfit' wrapped and labeled and put away etc so I'm really upset at the thought of not having 'his' christening gown and it being effectively 'borrowed' - I wanted all my kids (please God I'll have more) to be christened in the same gown and it to be 'theirs'.
Yesterday over the phone I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore about it, I was so upset but all she kept saying was 'you don't realise how important this is to me' for **** **** has SHE no clue what she's doing then.

Sorry ladies, I know I'm ranting but I really really need to let this out somewhere. I couldn't stop crying yesterday thinking about and I just don't know what to do.
I mentioned it to my Mum yesterday and she said it wasn't fair and to split the gown and the shawl (this was suggested when it all blew up first) but sis just thinks that I want something just for the sake of wanting it cause she wants it IYKWIM.
She'll be home later today and I really haven't a clue what to do - at this stage I really don't even want to ever talk to her which I know sounds extreme but this is eating me and I know I won't be able to let it go and forget it.
The absolute worst thing is, she's Rians God mother ...

Sorry sorry sorry for whingeing but I could reallly do with some advice - I'm at the point of just giving her the gown and shawl and cutting her out ... extreme I know, but I don't know what else to do.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

OnlyMe - sending you a big hug because you sound very upset   

It's a difficult situation you find yourself in here - at the end of the day it seems that you both feel very strongly about the christening gown being something you want to keep in the family and pass down through the generations. It's lovely that you have something like this to pass down, and such a shame it seems to be causing so much distress on both sides...

One thing I would say is please don't let this ruin your relationship with your sister. It's kind of a different scenario but we fell out with my dad's sister over my nan's will (long story which I won't bore you with) and have barely spoken to her or her 2 kids (my cousins since)
My dad had died before my nan, and so now my aunt and cousins are our only link to him and his side of the family and I feel terribly sad that we have no connection to them (and therefore to my dad in a way) any more because of the old argument. In fact I'm getting all tearful just thinking about it now  

I do hope I'm not speaking out of turn here, but the christening gown is just a 'thing' - don't let it spoil the time you have to spend with your sister, especially as she is aunt and godmother to your much loved son. I watch my nieces and nephews with their cousins (on brother in law's side since I'm not lucky enough to have children yet) and see how much they get out of these relationships, and I'm sure you wouldn't want your little one to miss out on all that with his cousins and aunt/uncle. 

I wonder is there a neutral family member who could become "guardian of the gown" as it were? Then when it was needed by anyone in the family, they could use it and then return it to the guardian? Not sure who this could be, but perhaps this might be one way to solve the current dilemma? 

I do hope you find some way to work this out, and again hope that I have not offended you in any way, I just feel that a little perspective here might help both of you see that the christening gown is not worth losing your relationship over,

Good luck and take care,
Suitcase
x


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## OnlyMe (Oct 11, 2007)

Thank you SO much for your reply Suitcase. I'm not at all offended and I'm very grateful for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your trouble with your Aunt and cousins... that must be really awful, especially as they are the last link. sending you big 

I don't want my little boy to miss out - I'd do absolutely anything for him and really really don't want to do anything that will upset things for him in any way. I really am all over the place with this and I really don't know what to do though -I'm afraid that I am the kind of person who just can't forget and put something behind me when someone does something to upset me badly and I know that if sis takes the Christening Gown as hers I will resent her and won't be able to gloss over it and it will just keep eating at me 
Unlike her, I don't 'want' the gown, I just want it to be 'ours and not 'hers' with me 'borrowing' it IYKWIM.

That's a very good idea about having someone neutral 'minding' it but sis has specifically said thet she "wants it" and "wants it in her house"  so there's no give with her at all. 
She always gets her own way and I always back down but this means so much to me and to be honest every time I think about it I'm in tears. I know that no matter what happens, if she doesn't get her own way, I will end up being the bad guy - it's as if she thinks that I only want the gown because she does - and that really really isn't the case - I just wanted my son and hopefully future siblings to have a share in their gown - for it to be partly theirs and their Mum's - I was christened in it too and that means a lot to me. 
If, when this all started, she had said that no, she wanted the gown and not tell me that she'd 'share' it then it wouldn't be quite so bad cause I'd have gone out and gotten my own gown for my kids to have and pass down but now I can never take back the fact that R will never have his own christening gown and thatwas very important to me

I so don't know where I'm going with this and I'm sorry if it all sounds really childish but its really eating me up.
Things have been pretty rough here for us all with things other than 'the gown' and sis knows this - I really don't know if I can cope with much more


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh hun, so sorry this is upsetting you so much    

Sounds like there's a bit more to this than a christening gown. Sister relationships can be incredibly complicated - I've got 2 sisters myself so I know a bit about the ups and downs. Having said that, I'm really lucky with my own sisters -  I think our dad dying when we were young (I was 14, they were 11 and 12) made a huge difference - we've kind of always stuck together. Mind you there are always little things - and sometimes despite the fact that we are now in our mid-late 30s it's amazing how easily we resort to our childhood 'roles' - I'm the bossy big sister, middle sis is peacemaker and chilled out one, and little sis is the stroppy one who gets her own way and sulks if not....! 

Why not try and sit down with your sis over the Easter weekend and have a really good long chat - and not just about the gown, but about how you feel in general. Perhaps with someone else there to help mediate a little bit? You're both so emotional over this that it's going to be difficult for you to talk about it without getting really upset which is why I think it might help to have someone else there (although not family if you can avoid it as they'll have a tendency to 'take sides' - what about a good friend?)

Or, if you feel you can't talk about it without the emotions running over, could you write her a letter and ask her to read it, and then talk afterwards? It's often easier to pour out your feelings when writing them down than face to face (that's why FF is so great  )

It does sound like your sis is reluctant to see it from both sides - there needs to be give and take here really and perhaps she needs some help to see this - she prob won't hear it from you, but perhaps from another family member. What about her husband - where does he stand on all this, could he help you both to come to a shared agreement in some way?

I do hope you manage to sort things out, pop back on and let us know how you get on,
Suitcase
x


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## Dee.Dee.32 (Dec 6, 2008)

sorry to hear of the problems you are having with your sis but unless you split it there is surely only two options either you keep it to pass on or allow her to.  I'm not quite sure how either of you thought that by both using it that you would be able to pass it on to yours but that's clearly not the issue now that you're past that stage. The question is - if you give in and allow her to take it will you be able to move on and put it behind you?  If not - and you know it will change everything and will probably result in you falling out for good then surely you may as well keep it and be in the same situation (?).  What you really have to consider is whether it is worth possibly falling out with your sis for ever over?  Sorry - this probably isn't much help but only you know whether you can move past it or not. 

Hope everything works out 

DeeDee x


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