# Oh relationships!



## silverbream (Feb 10, 2008)

Dear all,

into my second week of treatment; i'm a 41 yr old lesbian with a known donor (IVF and ICSI, due to him only having a certain amount at the clinic!)
so far ok, got four follicles looking good, EC next week sometime....its a bit like forcing rhubarb isn't it? its all rather odd but i've wanted children for a very long time and tried turkey baster to no avail.

Anyone also going through an intense time of relationship difficulty as well? I'm in a five year relationship. The last two years have been pretty rough and joyless. We can't plan the future and i finally feel that we just don't share enough. no-ones fault. Neither of us seems able to end, and if we stick together it has to be pretty permanent because if i child appears its just so unfair on my partner and the child if we then split up later on.

I realise that i could not wait as the window of my fertility is closing very rapidly; anyone else stuck in the same position
EEK!


----------



## CookieSal (Jun 24, 2007)

Hi there

Sorry to hear things are strained with you, hope you are able to find some way of resolving the situation. I want to wish you well for your continuing fertility journey and hope you can fulfill your dream of having a little one soon.

Personally I am very lucky and despite some fairly hideous strain of late my DP and I are still strong, I desperately hope it continues this way.

Sending you love

Sally x


----------



## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Ach, it sounds horribly as if you have to make a choice between partner and baby. Only, if the tension in your relationship has arisen because of your need for a baby that's different.

Does she want a child as much as you do? I think it's always interesting which one of you wants to carry the baby and I always wonder how much of a point of conflict that is.

Why has the last year or two been joyless? Would there be joy if this treatment worked? For both of you?

Well done on your four follicles! 

One thing I would say is, that me and my DH had a point of crisis years 3-5 when we were trying to work out what we had in common, so if you can get through it you may find joy again.

I hope that a. that your tx works and b, that you reach a new understanding with your DP.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Hi Silver,

It's a toughie. After we'd been trying the turkey baster way for a few years to no avail we found ourselves in a very rough patch too. We'd been together between three and four years by then. In retrospect I think it was in part due to being at 'that point' in a relationship where you have to make the decision as to whether this really is long term or whether it's not meant to be, I've seen so many other couples go through something similar at around that point. It was also most definitely made much harder by the accumulated stress and disappointment of not managing to get pregnant after trying so hard for so long.

In our case, we decided to take a break from trying. We knew we had to be sure we were stable and secure before we brought a child into our partnership. We thought we had been, and I think deep down we both knew we could be again, but we had to give the relationship a bit of quality time to itself for that to re-emerge. We took 9 months off in the end, went off travelling together and had a really great time. By the time we got back into trying we were feeling great about our partnership - we became civil partners not long after, and we got pregnant on our second try after we started trying again. 

I know time feels as though its not on your side here, so you may feel your choices have to be different, but for us, taking  break saved us as a couple and I have no doubt it played a big part in us being in the right place to conceive easily once we were ready to try again.

You have to work out if you want a child for you yourself, or for you as a couple. The implications are very different.

Wishing you the very best of luck with it all.

Gina.


----------



## silverbream (Feb 10, 2008)

Thanks everyone for your posts! 

Its very nice to hear that others have had major relationship stress; for me it was such an urge to try and conceive, it felt totally overwhelming. I just wanted to be and want to be pregnant, and i of course want to be a mum and bring up a child.

I very nearly thought that i should go off with men although the attraction isn't there (beckham is pretty though). The last couple of years have been difficult because my partner had a motorbike accident (***** on bikes eh? hate the bloody things!!) and as she went through her hideous recovery (hideous for her obviously) I felt I could not wait any longer and had to forge my own path with conception because of my age. I guess the crash highlighted any problems we had plus plus as these things tend to do. we also live about 50 miles apart and have been unable to move in with each other, I don't like where she lives, she won't live where i live as its too far from her work and she wants to be close to her sister, and so it goes on!

We are stuck. I don't know if a pregnancy would change things between us, I'm reluctant to do anything drastic at this stage being half way through my IVF.  Its all appalling timing but my clock would not wait (Dr said I have only a few months of viability due to FSH levels) (she is roughly the same age too but the urge is not so strong).

Its all a bit tricky, I am also coping with the idea of single motherhood and what that means. I cannpt expect my partner to stick by me and a cild if i am not 100% committed to her . That would just be too cruel and awful for her and a child if one appears...

Thanks for all your support everyone, its great to know you are all out there.
Off for another scan in a minute 

xx
silver xx


----------



## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

I was in the same position - I had no time left to start trying, so that kind of pushed everything else to one side - you'd have ended up hating her if you had waited too long and couldn't try.

You're right - this ain't the time to start deciding what to do about relationships. You have to concentrate on you getting pregnant - the rest will be obvious, probably, once you are.

A big   to you being successful and becoming a mum!

xxxxxxx


----------



## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Hi Silver,

Just to let you know that you are absolutely not on your own, me and my partner started trying to 'make a baby' around four years ago and had the most grossly unsuccesful, frustrating, problem strewn time with several DIUI's. The whole process nearly crippled our relationship and resulted in us being so far apart both emotionally and physically that I can safely say we were both ar the point where we were considering giving up on eachother. Like Gina and her partner we took a break from it all to put ourselves and our relationship back together because we both knew that bringing a child into what we had at that time would never have worked. We had a CP, went travellong, did some fantastic soul fulfilling things that we had always wanted to do together and brought our relationship absolutely back on track. But, I'm not saying that was easy, it was really bloody hard and at no time durung that process did we really discuss the ttc issue. We started trying again soon after our CP and it has been hard for me, despite how succcesful we have been. Our desire to have children together and what i would describe as my biological primeval need to bear a child has at some points taken over our lives, I totally understand when you describe it as overwhelming, it seemed to be all i thought about day and night  at the expense of everything else.

You sound as if you are realistic about your situation if you are to get pregnant, I agree with Gina, I think you do need to figure out if you want a child for yourself or for you as a couple. For me either set of reasoning is fine, I personally felt a need to 'provide' my partner with a child (however weird that might be..any psychological comment invited here) but the urge to have a child is so strong for me that I cannot say that if i was single i would not have gone ahead.

It is tough and I wish you all the luck and Hope you ahve a succesful outcome that brings you and any children fulfillment and happiness.

Emma


----------



## silverbream (Feb 10, 2008)

Thanks ; these are very soothing replies. Its really nice to get them, and it feels important to be in contact with other women who have had this overwhelming urge but still not gone down the man route. 

I have to put all this relationship stuff on hold! They are probably collecting my eggs on tue; something I'M  bit nervous about I must confess....and my partner has agreed to pick me up and look after me, which is important and nice for me. Its just not the time to seperate.

i think a pregnancy or a lack of one will sort it all out one way or the other as then I at least, will be able to think more clearly without this in the way. Its been such a strong feeling for me! It has dominated my thoughts,  and had a huge impact (as well as her accident)

I have six follicles, its all going to plan but it is my first cycle (bloody hell its expensive!!) and i must temper my hopes....I am an old old bird.

i have a known donor (by the way, is there a key to all the initials that everyone uses?? i'm not sure what they all mean). I got him off a website, a really lovely chap who i liked immediately. He is married, but just one of the most altruistic guys you could ever meet. He offered to come to the clinic and supply fresh but due to HFEA regs, this ain't allowed as he is not my partner (six months quarantine, etc etc) so I'm using his frozen.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.....


----------



## armi (Sep 1, 2007)

Relationships... I know how you feel... Ihave bben martried 10 years....things are pretty bad...have been for ages...l.ike you window of opportunity closing. Choosing to stick to get baby..well try and get baby and then see what!!! Many people would say that is the wrong decisin...but who knows.
Good luck on your journey
xoxo
Ps blown you some bubbles


----------



## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hey - how did EC and ET go?

xx


----------



## morggy1824 (Jan 31, 2008)

To everyone.
I'm having a difficult time too at the mo. 

My wife & I have been decorating the house since december(had  workmen in all of november doing the kitchen & bathroom.)
Lounge is half-done.
She's had recurrent rsi injuries and had to leave work last october, so our financial situation is dire.
Then i deceided i wanted a baby ...she is very supportive...

I think the reality of how hard the baby journey  may be has hit me. 
I suffer from long-term depresssion but it's reasonably stable.
I'm trying to keep the faith....but with so many stressors in my life its easy to lose it sometimes.

My Dr said he was writing a referral to Leighton Hospital (i live in stoke-on-trent.) So i'm waiting for a response...a long way ahead.I don't know the condition of my fertility.Maybe this is getting me down.

I'd like to talk to my wife about my worrying...but there is always something else around us to worry about...
I'm on my period so  prob just a downer blip.

Eating pancakes postponed from pancake day!

xxx


----------



## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Hey Morggy,

Here, have a   .

The ttc journey is tough as I am sure everyone on this site will agree with. Sympathise with you on the decorating thing, housesorting is stressful enough enough on its own, only last night my DP was having a first class winge about finishing the tiling in the bathroom (sorry hun if you are reading this, but you were wingeing!!).

I started off with a referall from my docs to North Staffs Hospital, we live in Stoke too, we were then referred to a private clinic in Newcastle Under Lyme. Your GP should be able to arrange for tests for you such as the FSH blood test and possibly a HSG exam ( checks that your tubes are clear). Mine did, don;t pay for these, you are entitled to them. I'm sorry but I know nothing about Leighton, that is Crewe isn; it

My advice, for all it is worth, is to talk to the wife about your worries, chances are keeping it all in is making you miserable and having an effect on your relationship anyway, if you talk to her about it she will know what you aregoing through at least and be able to understand you better. I failed to talk to my DP in the early days and it had a terrible effect on our relationship.

Keep the faith, hope you enjoyed the pancakes and get on to your GP, it's good to feel as if you are progressing in some way.

Emma


----------



## silverbream (Feb 10, 2008)

update:

had transfer yesterday, now resting at home. Me and partner are having a break from each other as last sunday, we had yet another deep ad meaningful chat which went nowhere and ended up with us both in tears, much better not to see her at the moment, whatever the outcome! Better for us both. Think we are moving towards a freindship, and after all the stress that kind of seems ok. I'm not missing her yet...just can't bear the stomach lurching stress of lesbian traumas.

so its day 2 of the 2ww; i'm watching the first series of the wire on my sofa, must say, its very compelling. Not doing too much, just resting, and getting bored! Dr recommended laughter. Does this improve blood flow to uterus??

XXX SILVER
ps egg collection was fine. loved the fentonyl, like having the most gorgeous sleep. Woke up smiling ear to ear.


----------



## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Laughter must do something to the uterus! I've just watched Harry Hill and all my lady innards hurt afterwards!

Also, the endorphins released by the laughter have to be good - they say you should laugh before breastfeeding to improve milk flow...

Whoo! You are PUPO!!!!

Sorry to hear you're on a break from your DP. But it sounds like it was getting very stressful - the last thing you need right now.

The best of luck for the brain-buggery that is the 2WW.

xx


----------



## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

good luck with it all silver, sending lots of      to your little snuggly embies!!


----------



## magsandemma (Oct 18, 2006)

Hi silver

Have been reading but not had chance to reply, sorry to hear about your relationship problems, I hope that the 2ww does not drive you too mad or is too boring!!  Read lots and watch lots of rubbish daytime telly      , I spent alot of my time in the chatroom on here when was on 2ww!!  Sending you lots of          .

Take it easy
Maggie
xx


----------

