# Negative portrayal - Any happy endings out there?



## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

I'm just curious really how other ladies/gents on here find other adoption websites?  I love it on here, lots of support, and positivity amongst members.

I'm a member on one of the most popular adoption sites    and do pop on to read up and follow people's journeys.  However, I find it VERY negative, and full of people saying how hard it is (which it probably is), how disruptive the children are etc... etc... Absolute nightmares, kicking, hitting, biting, punching, swearing etc..

Surely not all adoptive placements are like this?  I understand that adopted children need a special kind of parenting, and thats why we're all here   , but surely there must be some easy, straightforward placements where people just get on with it and enjoy being a new family without all the negativity and parental abuse??

Do you think it is relative to the age of the child when placed, the length of time spent in care, or purely linked to the early experiences they've suffered    ?

I would LOVE to hear more positive stories about adoptive placements, so come on, have you got a happy ending to share?


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

MrsYG 

I agree, there is a lot of negativity about adoption. Im not a member on any other support websites other than here. But just in general people always like to tell negative stories about adoption of their neighbours cousin or a friend who has a friend etc etc  .

I like to think that the families that are formed through adoption that do have a happy ending, are just normal families that function as anyone else would and nobody knows the children are adopted (other then the family itself) and therefore nobody talks about them. Also the main function of a support forum is to share problems and bad experiences and get support and understanding. People who are content and 'problem free' dont tend to use them. 

That how I like to see it anyway  

XxX


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi MrsYG,
its a difficult balance isn't it? I want to hear the negative in order that I can prepare myself as best I can but I also want to hear peoples positive experiences. I also agree with Cant Wait though in that people often do come to forums like this and others for support in what are difficult times. I know thats how I found FF, looking for other people who might understand what I am going through. Had dh and I not had a problem trying to have a family I would probably be quite ignorant and unaware of this and other forums..

On a positive note though, my uncle and his wife adopted 2 children, true siblings but at different times, they were 18 months and 6 months at placement. Now 6 years down the line there does not seem to have been any major issues, though obviously there is still plenty of time for that. Both children are bright, well adjusted, 'normal' kids. They're well aware that they're adopted and have contact with birth siblings, which touch wood is going well. So I think, yes adoption can and does work for families, for my cousins I think they were fortunate in that they never lived with bm and I think that has made a difference as they never were subjected to abuse, neglect etc They both had really good fc's also. 

IMHO I would imagine that a child who went straight to fcs and is placed at a younger age will be more likely to adapt better then a child who has lived with bps in a chaotic environment and then been placed in fc before being adopted, this wont always be the case cos whatever way you look at it the child will have suffered loss which can/will have some impact at some point....

Sorry for rambling, dont suppose I've answered anything in that lol!


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## laura0308 (Apr 17, 2009)

Just to agree and add that I have an adopted niece and nephew (not blood related).  They were both adopted at 6 months, they are 11 and 14 and beautiful, well-adjusted kids.  I am sure at times they may have felt different or sad about the BF but with the love and support of their mum and dad they are tuning into adults that we could all be proud of.  I just hope I can do as good a job.

L


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I think the positive stories are too busy getting on with their lives and being happy to hang about on forums!    It's a known phenomena that message boards attract the negative stories because people need the sharing and support.


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi MrsYG

Your post is very similar to one I put on here several months ago.  I like you was beginning to dread reading some of the posts on the "other" website as nearly everyone was doom gloom and apparent miserable lives with adopted children.  What I have gathered both from some private message I recieved and through my own intuition is that people who have no problems and are happily getting on with their lives do not feel the need to come on to website to say how happy they are they just get on with it.  However if things are going wrong then the support from others in a similar postition is invaluable.  I also received a private message from one lady who had 10 friends who had adopted  and 8 out of the 10 were smashing and just getting on with life and the other 2 had mega problems, so all in all the odds not that bad. 
My advice is learn what you can from the posts and then be positive and optimistic that with any luck you wont have such mega issues and the ones you do have you will be able to cope with.
Best of luck to you


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Mrs YG  - I was very very sceptical about getting a happy ending with adoption, also had read on national sites and they were pretty negative so I really thought at times I could not do that and got cold feet lots of times!


I think at the end of the day we all have limits as to what we are prepared to consider. As much as I admire people taking on older kids, or kids with disabilities or emotional problems etc not all placements are like that and as long as you are honest you will get the right placement.


We have maybe been very lucky but for now our little boy seems completely normal and we are just getting on with being a family like everyone else. We were lucky to get him at 10 months and he always had a stable living environment so was not subjected to any neglect etc. He really is a normal little boy, now 18 months he has been walking for ages and has started to talk which is exactly what other kids his age are doing when I see other families in toddler groups etc. He is very attached to both if us and is a happy, healthy boy in general.


I never thought it could be this easy, and that we would have a 'normal' child. Of course we may have problems later on, nothing is ever certain but for now I feel like a normal mum would and sometimes forget he wasn't always our child. Hope this helps! 


panorama x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Oh and I stopped reading those national sites after a few weeks, suggest you do the same!


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Thank you for all your replies    I guess people do only post on forums when they need advice and support and all the straight forward placements are happily getting on with their lives.  It would be nice though, just every once in a while if people did come back and say 'hey life is great'   

Thanks again!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

LIFE is great in my house  

i have a just 6 yr old and and 4 1/2 year old..the most beautiful cheeky children i could ever have wished for. thus far they dont show any huge problems to do with their adoption, there are ways that they show us their insecurities at times but  i use my support network (inc here!) to work through it and find out ways to manage it. sometimes its hard work and exhausting but no more than in a normal family. i'm sure we are going to hit some issues at some point but at the moment i cant envisage it being anything we cant handle as they are so secure. they show and accept love and affection easily, know and accept their adoption story, and are in every sense of the word enjoying a 'normal' childhood. 
somebody else has said, you just need to be honest with yourselves and with your sw about your limitations and you will be matched with a child that is right for you. do plenty of reading and research. Also be prepared to work hard at being a parent, harder then other people seem to..the early days, think a year at least, are without doubt fundamental in securing a good bond with your child..i think many people think they can just carry on like a normal mummy in the early days. someone showed up to our LA toddler group yesterday with their 16 month old who had been placed for just a week..the child was wandering around going to anyone and anybody..personally it made me uncomfortable as at that stage they need to be stuck to you as much as possible..i got the feeling she wanted to show her off which i understand but the child needs more than that at this stage.. 
anyway i am rambling..i tend to do that  
anyway just wanted to say what you wanted to hear..LIFE IS GREAT!!!

kj x


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi Mrs YG
I completely agree with you re the other boards. They terrified me as a prospective adopter and still worry me today.

We are three years in with our ds and I would class us as a success story so far. (There is of course plenty of time for that to change and no doubt we will have challenges ahead.)
I found the first 6 months / year of placement so hard but looking back now our ds has made absolutely fantastic progress and we have overcome so many of the early issues we have had. Because of what has happened to him I think our ds will always need a different sort of parenting but at the moment at least that is perfectly manageable. We are just getting on with it and being a "normal" family but just always mindful that ds sometimes has different reactions to things to other children, might need a bit more support, a bit more patience, a bit more time etc. My ds is a normal little boy, he has a few quirks and can be very hard work (from a time perspective) but is totally delightful. So, so far a happy story! The positives have outweighed the negatives thus far.

Good luck with you potential link.
Crusoe
xx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

LIFE IS GREAT in our house too!

Our little girl is 3 and we have just got the Adoption Order, having had her come home last summer.

She is a feisty bundle of quirkiness and while I say adoption is the hardest thing we've ever done (complete life change - you know it's coming but it's so haaarrrrddddd at the beginning... you're all strangers in the house and the LO is grieving but not understanding so it manifests itself in tantrums etc etc and you have to do lots of reading and become an amateur child psychologist), I will also say it's the best thing ever. It's taken months to get to this stage, but it's all the more sweeter for that!

This morning for example our daughter got in bed with us and said, "Morning! I'm ready to get up now!" (5.55 am!!) "But first let's have a big family cuddle!"  and when she says "Love you mummy!" it is a heart melter!

I am not naive enough to say there will be no more tough times, but she is our daughter and you do anything for your kids don't you and get through anything.

Go into it with an open mind and LISTEN and be prepared and I promise you, your lives will change! 

Dreams can come true xx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

crusoe we posted at the same time! I agree, a totally different kind of parenting, but we can manage and to all intents and purposes we are now 'normal' (or approaching normality!). 

It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. You have to be very honest and again, I'll say listen to every piece of info you are told esp re attachment. xx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello - I haven't had time to read through all the posts on this thread as in a hurry, but I have met a few of the adopters who post on another forum, all who have major issues with there children as I do with my son, I was glad that I had read those boards before my son came home so that I knew we were not the only one's going through it.

What I would say though is that we all love our children dearly and would not change them for the world,  I certainly do not see us as a negative story, it's been extremely hard at times, and still is.

I just want to say please do not see other forums as negative, but as a tool to help people through issues that they are dealing with.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi MrsYG,
Not much time, but I didn't want to read and run.
I haven't read all through the replies either so hopefully I wont repeat what someone else has said.

I just want to say that we couldn't love our little man any more than we do, we love being his Mummy and Daddy and feel truly blessed and so proud to be his parents.  
Don't get me wrong, parenting a 2 and a half year old isn't all roses and is downright hard work at times, but in our case it's just regular '2 year old behaviour' and stages that they all pass through.
Yes adopted children do have additional needs, various different and specific parenting techniques and considerations to be made, but in our case (so far), everything we have to deal with behaviour wise with our little man is no different than my friends with birth children are experiencing.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we also have to remember that not all their behaviour is linked to them being adopted, it is often just them being a 'typical' 2/3/4 etc year old and all the trials and tribulations that come along with each age.

I know we are one of the fortunate cases where our little man didn't experience any neglect and was with his one FC since birth, plus joined us quite young at 11 months, but even in such cases, attachment issues and loss are amongst many of the things that such lo's can experience and can manifest at any point as they grow up  . Having the knowledge, parenting techniques and awareness to deal with these things will hopefully ease our lo's journey through such emotions as they try to make sense of them. 
I'm in no way saying that some adopted parents don't have a really rough ride as I know some personally that are and are doing all they can to support and guide their lo's through to a happier place. I just also want to add that we have 5 sets of good friends that we meet up with regularly all with adopted children and I can can say 100% confidentally on their behalf that they aren't dealing with any major difficulties and that (as with the vast majority of adopted parents, regardless of good times or hard times) they love their lo's with all their hearts and would move heaven and Earth for them, as would myself and Nemo's Daddy 

Adopting our beautiful, very cheeky, funny, adorable little man was the best thing either of us have done in our lives (even when he's being a real 'pickle'!) and we now can't imagine (or want to imagine) ever being with out him, we love him totally and completely. 

Hopefully reading the happy stories on here will put you at ease.

In your post you said......................'Surely not all adoptive placements are like this? I understand that adopted children need a special kind of parenting, and thats why we're all here







, but surely there must be some easy, straightforward placements where people just get on with it and enjoy being a new family without all the negativity and parental abuse??'.........................

As one of the parents of a slightly more 'straightforward placement' that you were hoping would give examples, I just wanted to share our experience wth you. Like others have said above, dreams do come true, and life is great here too 

Lots of luck 
Anj x

PS...ended up being longer than planned!!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

*rousing round of applause for positive stories*

Loving this thread.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

perhaps we need to make this an official thread for 'happy endings'..and make it sticky?


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Another one with a 'Happy ever after' story   

My son is now fast approaching 5 and is still the light of our lives.  We have our up's and down's as all families do but we're 100% happy, must be as we're doing it all again   

I think the 'other' website is the main national site for Adoption, if you have problems and need support its where you would turn to ask those in the know.  I have seen a few 'happy' posts on there but they are quickly shot down by those not having such a great time.....

As you would have guessed, the people on here generally have had very young children placed (majority under 2) and perhaps the ones on the other site have had older children placed.

Best of luck x


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

I would like to thank eveyone for replying to MrsYg's post, although I didnt start the thread her thoughts are exactly the same as mine.  Being a prospective adopter it really is helpful to read such positive posts, it really is a frightening, and worrying to read such awful senario's on certain sites with little very little positive reading.  I avidly read the adoption stories and find comfort in the happy responses and lovely outcomes.  I am not being dismissive of the other side of adoption as the help and advice offered when people are going through awful times is amazing, but it really is helpful when you read about relatively 'straightforward' families.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

As brief as I can be .....  

Life is great.  Exhausting at times but great  

We love our son and couldn't imagine loving him any more if he was born to us.  He has picked up our manerisms too  . 

He makes us laugh on a daily basis!

He is OURS so whatever the future holds we will overcome any adoption related hurdles together  . 

I agree with KJ regarding being very very 'precious' when your little person is first placed.  Keep them close and keep things very simple.  It will pay off with regards to how they attach to you. 

Oh, and I must just acknowledge Mini Moo's post  . No one knows what the future holds but even if there are problems to come it does not mean the adoption is not a success (well said Mini Moo).

Just take on what YOU feel you can cope with (don't rely on your SW to know what you can cope with) and you will be fine.  

Good luck with it all.  
X
PS.  The proper squeezy hugs my son now gives me are worth there weight in gold


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Life is GREAT in our house too!!!    
Our DS, nearly 6, was placed at 27 months and considered a challenging and stubborn child that needed firm boundaries, questions over attachment and behaviour.  We've had some tough times due to stubborness and attitude which is part of him and as I am stubborn we can clash at times   but 95% of the time our family life is 'normal' and we get on with life like everyone else.  We have kept adoption as an open topic and he can ask us anything and we answer as best we can.  Our DD came home in October aged 14 months and is flourishing though again very strong willed   She was described as a quiet child who needs lots of encouragement to interact, that couldn't be further from the truth    My DS may be a completely different child if parented a different way or by different people and what some people will consider 'challenging' won't be challenging for others.
Both our children are perfect for us and so far things have been pretty good but who knows what the future will hold, how the children will react as they grow older  All we can do is our best on a day to day basis but at the same time staying aware of the possible problems that could arise.  I still read and go on courses, I go to support groups at the moment to offer support more than having a need for it.  
The best advice I can think of is to be open and honest with your SW and each other in order to find the best match.  You both have to be 100% sure about a child for it to work because parenting is bl**dy hard work without adoption on top (very few people ever tell you just how hard being a parent is when you are trying for a family).  Be realistic, its very easy to look at CWW or BMP and want to take all the children on, no one will judge you for saying no to issues on the matching criteria list or to children after approval stage.  
The website you refer to is used by people who do have a huge need for support but it can be very useful.  I read it with the thought that maybe it will save us from going through similar.
Good luck with your journey.
OT x


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

WOW.... what fantastic stories, thank you all for sharing them with us.

It makes it all the more exciting for us, and can't wait    Hopefully won't be too much longer now   

x


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