# DH so distressed



## beauticat

My DH and I stopped our treatment in September after four failed ivf's and two failed deivf.  We have been together for 61/2 years and married for 1 1/2 years.  Through all of our treatment we have been incredibly close and strong, and DH has always said it is about us and we will be able to have a life if we cannot have children because we love each other so much.  When we stopped our treatment I was devastated, and to be honest have cried everyday since then trying to come to terms with our loss, but I was able to move forward everyday because DH was beside me and I felt strong about our future together.  DH was always open to adoption as he said that it was being a father that was important to him, not necessarily having a genetic child but I felt that it was something that I may not be able to do, although I had made the journey from not wanting DE to accepting that I would not have a genetic child of my own so making the next step to adoption may not be impossible.

Recently things have felt a little strained between us, I knew that I was being snappy and difficult but also knew it was because I was unhappy and trying to come to terms with not having a baby and I thought DH was reacting to my moods. Anyway we began to talk and suddenly poor poor DH just fell apart, I have never seen him so distressed.  His sister had a baby last year and we have seen quite a bit of them recently and this has had a really strong effect on him.  His feelings seem to have caught up with him and he is distraught at the idea of not having a child of his own.  He cannot bear the thought of going through more deivf because we both feel that it will not work and he can't contemplate adoption with me because he knows that I am not sure about it.  He feels that every path he looks down there is not a good ending and that he is left with the choice of stay with me and have a childless life or leave me and have the chance to have a baby of his own.  He says he loves me still and that the thought of having to make that choice is killing him.

My life has fallen apart; the thought of him leaving me stops my heart.  He says he feels so ashamed of himself for saying all the things in the past about how it didn't matter if we didn't have a baby and that he had no idea that he would feel like this.  He is so so distraught and so am I.  We have talked and talked and agreed to do to our GP and ask for counselling but I am scared that this will help him make the decision to leave rather than to stay. That is such a selfish thought.

I feel guilty because we cannot have the life that we want, and that the right thing to do is let him go but I can't. I am so scared now about the future and I want to be with him all the time because I feel that if I’m not around he will find it easier to decide to leave me.  he says he needs time to think which is of course absolutely right and that he can't tell me know that things will be ok because he doesn't know where his head will be at the end of his journey to try and deal with how he is feeling.  I am left waiting for him to make a decision on whether to leave me or not and I feel like I am going mad.  I love him with all my heart and I will be nothing without him.  He tells me that he loves me and kisses and holds me and says he cannot bear that he is making me feel so hurt and sad

I don't know what to do to keep us together and I feel that no-one can help because at the end of every path there is sadness.  He says he is scared that even if he stays with me now he may grow to resent me over time and leave me in a few years.  I am 42 and he is 36 so he has so much chance in front of him to have the family that he wants I feel I am being selfish in trying to hold onto him but I cannot let go, I cannot lose everything.

B.


----------



## purplejr

Couldn't just read and run. I had tears in my eyes reading your story and I think for most of us we realise how close we are to your situation.

Sending you lots of            and really hope everything works out for you.

xx


----------



## becky70

I can't really give you much advice just want to send this  

The only thought I did have is to perhaps look at other people in your life who may be able to support you at this difficult time - I hope you have some good friends or family members you can talk to.

Do let us know how you get on as well.


----------



## Cozy

Beautycat,

I'm sorry to read things aren't too good for you and DH at the moment  

I cant really offer much in the way of advise, but maybe if I tell you a little about my situation it may help.

DH and I have been TTC for over 8 years, I have been pregnant naturally but all miscarried, last pregnancy was 5 years ago. I started IVF in Dec 2006 and since then I have done 2 IUI, 3 IVF and 1 DE IVF cycles - all BFN. When my donor cycle failed I thought there was no way I was ever going to have a child. However, I did some research and came across posts on this site for immune testing and I went to see Dr Gorgy in London. I spent £1800 having tests done which were sent to Chicago. When the results came back I couldnt believe it, here was an explanation as to why non of my IVF's had worked - I had immune problems and without treatment there was very little if any chance that I would ever get pregnant and if I did it would be unlikely to be viable.

To cut a long story short  - I followed Dr Gorgys advice and had treatment, went back to Reprofit for DEIVF and am now pleased to say that I got a BFP on 27th December. My 1st ever BFP with IVF and my 1st BFP in 5 years. I truly believe it is down to the immune treatment.

What I am trying to say, is that there may be a similar reason as to why you are not getting pregnant and it may be worth you looking into something like that as it may be the answer to your prayers. 

At least if you looked into this you could rule it out if there are no problems and if there are, you could get treatment and who knows. There are no guarantees even with this treatment, but you would have a far better chance of success.

I hope whatever you decide to do, that you work it out together and find happiness and contentment. I know how it feels to be not able to give your DH what he really wants. I just hope that things have changed for me and that this pregnancy is viable and we can achieve our dream, but whatever happens its the closest we have ever been and it has given me some hope.

Take care and good luck  

Cozy


----------



## Shell 2

beuticat
I really feel for you and think counselling is certainly a good idea.  Your DH sounds like he is suffering from delayed shock and hopefully will deal with his feelings. It is such a difficult situation for both of you and i sure hope it works out for you. xxxxx


----------



## Libran

Beauticat, hun, I am so, so sorry to hear your story.  A big   to both you and your dh.
From a positive point of view, I think it is good and healthy that you and your dh are now sharing your feelings and airing your opinions openly.  It is good that he is finally being honest with you, and he should be commended for that.  However, much as I understand his distress, and I definitely do, I was concerned about the tone of your message.  It seemed all about him and his feelings.  Where do YOU fit in all this ?  What about YOUR distress and your feelings ?  He may well be distressed, but YOU have had to come to terms with this too.  My strong opinion is that, as a married couple, this is a JOINT problem that you should tackle together.  It is NOT your problem alone, you are in this together as a couple.  Furthermore, he may feel that one option would be to solve the problem by simply walking away and having children with someone else, but, trust me, that would not solve anything.  I agree that counselling would be a good help, and I wish you all the best in resolving this together XX


----------



## dhikki

Beauticat,

I'm sorry for what you have been through and what your now having to face. I send you and your dh massive   and support. I can see what your dh is thinking as i felt the same too. I thought it would be easier to let my hubby go and have children with someone else. But he said he would rather be with me childless than not have me in his life. 

I am sure seeing a counsellor would be a really great thing for you both. And i agree with the other comments it could be delayed shock in dealing with the siuation. Maybe he stayed strong for you and now he is falling apart. Be strong for eachother, give him lots of love understanding and support, and just help each other to get through this awful sad part of lifes journey. Take all the help and advise you can get. Be honest with each other like Libran said. Please keep in touch as to how things go.

Lots of love to you both Donna x


----------



## janeo1

Beauticat ^hugme
Didn't want to read n run, so sorry for what you are going through at this time.  It must be truly horrible time for both of you.  I hope that you can work things out together, at least you can talk honestly and openly.  I think this may be a case of delayed shock on your husbands part, from my own experience my ex DH always seemed to have unfailing trust that IVF would work. He was absolutely floored when it didn't.  I do hope you can work this out. Life doesn't always go to plan, and sometimes you just have to take stock of what you do have....hopefully your husband will realise this. Wishing you all the best in mean time heres a   as sure you need one
x


----------



## beauticat

thank you to everyone for your kind words of comfort.

we have an appointment with out GP on monday and will ask her for help with counselling etc.  DP is very keen to see a counsellor and get some help so this is a positive thing.

I am still very scared about our future and feel that I will never be truly happy or relaxed in our relationship again now that we have both expressed how we feel.  I feel that I will always be living with the fact that one day he might leave me because it all becomes too much for him.  I know that this is a possibility in every relationship but generally it is unspoken and you don't go on day by day knowing there is a reason that it could all come to an end.  Ignorance truly is bliss I guess.

We are hoping to be able to see a counsellor together and separately although I'm not sure if this is possible.

Does anyone know of any good literature to help in situations like this.  I found a couple of good books that helped me with my journey into DE so I'm hoping that there is something out there that can help us deal with this.

I keep wanting to ask DP if we should plan some things to do in the coming months to give us something to look forward to, but then I'm scared that he doesn't want to plan anything because he is not sure if he will still be around and to be honest I don't want to hear the answer.

Still the counselling is a positive note and I should just take it one day at a time.  I can do no more.

B.


----------



## purplejr

Beauticat,

Hope your appointment goes well. 

At least you are talking and trying to work something out.

Sending you huge         .

xxx


----------



## purple72

Hello Sorry to gatecrash but just read your story and my heart aches for you!

Have you thought about speaking with the Lister about their counselling, I see you cycled there and as far as I'm aware there is no timeframe when you cantake them up on their counselling, plus they may be much more geared up to deal with what you and DH are going through. 

To me, and I know I don't know either of you but I can sense how much love you both have for each other and the willingness to find your path forward together is also signs that you have a wonderful relationship

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you 

Sx


----------



## Minni

Beauticat

I've only just seen this post and not sure if you are still checking in but I wanted to send you huge   .  I found myself in a similar situation a few months ago and it has been an extremely difficult few months.  Like you I thought we were rock solid throughout tx and then shortly after dh started snapping and growing distant.  Eventually it all tumbled out much like your dh that he was depressed, lost and didn't know if he wanted to be with me any more.  He said a 'switch flicked' after the IVF failed and he couldn't get it back. Like your dh he felt guilty, confused and needed time to decide if he was going to leave or not.  We've been together 15 years with never a cross word between us so I was absolutely floored and like you distraught.

That was 5 months ago and I can relate to every single feeling you have described.... and have had a lot more since then.   Even though it's 5 months I still can't really believe this has happened. It is hard enough to accept that you can't have children but to think you may also lose your DH, your home and your whole life as you know it because of it is devastating. In our situation I am convinced it is not just not the infertility but also his job has been very stressful over the last year and I think he's fallen into a black hole that is hard to climb out of.  

I think it is a positive step that your DH has agreed to go to the gp and try counselling - my dh wouldn't talk to anyone at all, including me, friends or family.  I saw a councellor myself but found more comfort by talking to close friends.  I didn't tell family as I thought it would put him under even more pressure.  (Libran's words are ringing in my ears here - I know we have to try and look after ourselves too...  )  For me the hardest part has been the dangling along in limbo, trying to be supportive but not knowing what will happen.  I have felt like I have had no control over my own life and all my confidence, self esteem and security have been pulled from under my feet.  Unlike your dh mine has closed off and there have been very few  hugs or cuddles for a long time.  

You asked about books.  I didn't get any books but I did google 'my husband wants to leave me' (nice!  ) and I did find a few articles that offered comfort and some practical ideas about how to cope.  The main message seemed to be to try and give him space and not ask him every 10 minutes if he'd made his mind up yet.  (Which is exactly what I was doing initially.)  It was hard but that did seem to make things less tense.  I also tried to do things for myself - nights out with friends, going to the gym etc.

Coincidentally or bizarrely or whatever - but literally this weekend we have finally had some progress. DH has finally said that he wants to work it out and he isn't going to leave.  I obviously feel relief and more optimistic than I did this time last week but I am still guarded.  Like you I am scared I will never feel truly relaxed in our relationship again but I do love him so much that I want to try whatever we can to get back to how we were.  I know it won't be easy but at least now there is hope.

I hope you are feeling a bit better - how did your appointment go?  Please let us know how you are doing.

Huge hugs
Minni x


----------



## Libran

I think your advice is sound, Minni.  You can't "force" someone to love you, and they say "if you love someone, set them free".  A person, i.e your dh, has to choose to be with you because they want to, not because they feel they should be with you out of obligation / duty.  You clearly took a step back and gave your dh space to make his decision, and this strategy has obviously worked.  I can only say how brave and courageous I think you are, because I can well imagne the heartache, pain and distress it must have caused you to do that.  Words can't really describe, I'm sure.  
Beauticat, hope you and your dh are doing well.  Update us if you can X


----------



## Damelottie

Beauitcat - I just read your post and I feel so sad for you  . I truely hope you and DH manage to work through this. I am sorry everything is so hard at the moment


----------



## lily17

Its very difficult when the 'husband' has no fertility issues, but the woman does...... That is my situation too.
I already have 3 kids from a previous relationship, and re-married in my 40's a man with no kids and had never been married, he is desperate for a baby, and we have spend the 4 years we have been married trying to conceive.
I would like a a baby but not at all costs.
My husband too has said he doesnt know if he can face the future without a baby. The pressure I am under to 'perform' and produce a baby is huge.
We are still trying DEIVF, and if that fails, he is considering surrogacy or donating sperm to a lesbian couple or something.
We too previously have reached the point of thinking about a the future apart. I love him dearly, so of course I dont want him to go, or seek a baby with anyone else. Whilst we are still doing something positive, (ie treatment) the issue isnt raised. So its an unspoken subject, and we go along hoping for success.
I dont know what the future will bring, I just hope we will be together
xx


----------



## Yamoona

not sure if you ladies are still checking this thread but thought I would chance it. Your post really hit a chord with me as I am in your husbands situation. Our IF is down to MF and although I have never said I want to leave I am facing this now as journey is nearly at an end. Firstly as painful as it is to hear what he has to say it is good that he is being honest with you. It shows just how much he loves you. It's because he loves you it is so hard to face facts. IF journey's show you how much you do love each other which is why a lot of relationships crumble under the strain. You have come out the other end which shows how solid you are. However, the stages of grief still need to be felt and he is going through his right now. He has to feel it just like you have to otherwise you can't move on. His sister's situation is bringing that to a forefront now but I do believe you will both be ok. Because I know that all my life all I have ever wanted is children, I had a terrible childhood and have no family of my own so the level of devastation I am feeling right now is totally embracing me. I cry every night and I know my DH feels bad because if I wasn't with him I may stand a better chance of having children. But I love him and he gives me something that no-one ever has and that is unconditional love. Therefore it is my choice to stay and live a childless life. I do sometimes think of leaving but in the end you realise that you want children with the person you love, not someone else just for the sake of having children who will only grow up and leave you anyway. He will get to the same conclusion cause you sound like you have a beautiful relationship. Hang in there and keep the faith which is flipping hard sometimes I know xx


----------



## beauticat

I haven't post for a while because things have fallen apart so utterly.

DH moved out on easter monday.  I had tried and tried and finally begged him not to leave me but he went.  

He has been seeing a counsellor and he went to her to talk about the grief that overwhelmed him at xmas about not being able to have a baby. After a few sessions he came home and said that he had realised that it had nothing to do with the baby and that he loves me but is no longer In Love with me.  I asked if we could go and see her together to talk things through and he agreed.  It was a disaster and an ambush as she began by telling me that the agenda for the meeting was so that I could understand and accept what DH was saying and be able to deal with it and move on.  We talked over a few things without resolving anything and when I said to the counsellor that it's possible to rekindle love and passion she said that in her experience it isn't.  And that was it, final, she said the only chance that we might have is to separate and see what happens.

And so he's gone, he's taken most of things and what is left he says he doesn't want or need.  He's moved into a flat but has not told anyone where it is.  He is not in touch with his parents or family and has only txtd me twice about practical issues.  He left me a letter saying that this was the worst, hardest and most painful thing he has done in his life and he is full of guilt and shame for what he is doing to me.  He also said I could contact him anytime if I needed him or wanted to talk.  

My life is ripped apart, he has held me so close to him emotionally and physically since the day we met that I am completely lost.  I am living in our house and it is unbearable, I try to remove everything that reminds me of him but it would mean an empty house.  Everything in it is built on our love.  I don't know how to go on, my friends and family are with me constantly and they are a huge support and I am so grateful, but they can't take the pain away.  I cry day after day and it feels like there is a weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath.  The only person who can make this right is him, I just want to reach out to him and for him to hold me. I don't understand what has happened, how do you just stop loving someone and turn your back on them so quickly.  I feel that he has not even given us a chance to work it out.  We have been together for seven years and not even married for two years yet.  He asked me to marry him in the middle of all our IVF, saying that it was all about us and that it would be ok if we didn't have a baby because it was me that he loved.  Now when I asked him why he married me he said that he meant every word of it at the time.  He says he has spent his whole life making other people happy and not been happy himself but I can't believe that is true.  If it is it negates everything he has done with all the people in his life, not just me.  When I asked him what it was that would make him happy he said he didn't know.  The man that I know is loving, caring, kind, considerate, sensitive and absolutely genuine, why would he say that he didn't want to be that person, or that that person was a lie?

I want him back so much and I don't know what to do, he's left me with no options except to let him go and wait to see what happens.  I feel so helpless, doing nothing can't be an option, he'll just slip away from me.  Can anyone help me?

B.


----------



## Rowan22

Beauticat  
No time to type much now but I read your post and I couldn't just read and run. My heart goes out to you.
As for that counsellor, I don't know whether we can swear on this forum but I would just like to say that I've never heard of anything so incredibly unprofessional! How dare she just 'set an agenda' and expect you to accept it, without even a warning? And as for the casual remark about you 'moving on' how can she be any sort of qualified counsellor if she's suggesting it's that easy! FFS! The least she should have done is offered to refer you to a colleague so you can get the help you need.
As for love being impossible to rekindle, that's rubbish! Most of us don't 'stay in love' all our lives, it's a rush of hormones that's meant to get you together but when you get to know each other, that's when the real love starts. My dh and I love each other and we've been together almost nine years but no, I don't swoon over him any more. I don't think that's normal, personally but neither of us could be without the other.
Take some time just for yourself. Is there anyone you can talk to? You could do with some real hugs, not just those in cyberspace. 

Rowanx


----------



## Every cloud....

What a dreadful story and situation you find yourself in.

I think the fact your husband has not made contact with friends and family is something you can view as a positive. He is likely to be highly embarrassed at his treatment of you and also just needs space, with no external influences, to figure out what he really wants to do.

Keep the lines of communication open but don't make contact with him...he needs to come to you.

It's early days yet but believe in yourself and in the fact you will come out the other side.

Be kind to yourself and take care x


----------



## Irish Dee

Beauticat,

I don't want to read and run.  I had seen your original post months ago and had hoped that it might have been sorted out

Just don't know what to say, I can only imagine the pain and anquish that you are going through.

Can't imagine how you are feeling, but just wanted to add my support.

Dee


----------



## beauticat

Thank you all for sending me such support.  I feel totally broken at the moment and each day just heaps on more pain.  A good friend of us both met up with DH for a chat and said that DH is no longer wearing his wedding ring.  I just can't believe it, he has only been gone for 2 weeks and already he has done that.  He is still not in touch with any of his family and has moved with out telling anyone where he has gone.  I don't know what I have done to deserve this, my love for him is absolutely unconditional and I would never hurt him like this.  My heart is just breaking.

B.


----------



## kandykane

beauticat, you poor poor love  
i married in 2001, after 6 years with my bf. six months later (my birthday weekend no less) he broke down in tears, when i asked him why he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he loved me and felt terrible for saying what he was saying but the truth was he wasn't in love with me anymore. my god my world just fell apart. i don't even remember some of it, i was that hysterical, other parts are etched in my mind and heart forever. when i asked him why he married me he said he wanted to make me happy but he couldn't live with himself any longer staying with me when it was all a pretence. i felt like someone was punching me in the heart. constantly. i wept and wept to the point where i started to get scabs around my eyes. I stayed in our house and he moved out and i saw, felt and smelt him everywhere. it was torture. i got as low as you can go. I felt if i couldn't have him i didn't want anyone and my life was basically over without him. I was wrong.
it's such a cliche sweetheart but time is a wonderful healer. you CAN and WILL get over this. time will pass and the pain will start to dull.
today i have a lovely fiance, we have stuck together through some hard times, including depression (mine, caused by ex-hubby leaving) near bankruptcy and a cancer scare. 
Do not let this beat you, to have gone through all that IVF you are a strong person. There is life after this, you will be ok. Hang on to that and believe it. Tell yourself aloud "I will be ok". Be kind to yourself and stay strong.
Much love,
Kandy xx


----------



## skydog

am feeling same too wish dh could have all he craves but fear i could not love  a baby that is not mine. dh is supportive but do sometimes wonder what goes on in his head my suggestion is get it out in the open have a heart to heart even go to the free no obligation adoption talks at you local council and see how you feel this may help make up your mind you may be able to give a baby that needs the love you can give it a great home.
it is difficult when there is outside pressure but remember it is you and dh that make all the decisions take your time and think hard bepfor making any hasty descisions sometimes the love you have for each other can be enough and con get stronger with every hurdle.


----------



## SuzanneM

I am sorry, but I am on the other side because it is my husband who is sterile and I think that your husband is showing selfishness.  It is NOT YOUR fault that this has happened; any more than it is my husband's fault.  To be honest, your husband is only thinking about himself.  You mention that it was you showing strength, well now it should be him for you.  As he so rightly puts it, he can have children; but, hey, you can't just go and get another partner and have babies!

When my husband and I found out about his sterility, he was the one who wanted to give me the chance of a new life, but I couldn't because I chose to marry him not for a baby, but for him!

Sorry, I feel so angry with your husband.  Honestly, you are the one in need of the tender affections.


----------



## sharonannzaki

Hi Everyone,

I'm in similar boat. I've been with my second hubby for over 5 years, married for 3 years. He is a lot younger than me, no previous marriage and no children. I have 4 children aged between 11 and 21 - they are the world to me. My hubby gets along great with them all. We've had a couple of IVF goes which, as expected due to my age, failed. After the last one failed [even tho we had what looked like a good embie] last christmas, hubby consoled me and told me it didn't matter, we would just live without children of our own. I would go along with trying donor egg for his sake but he says it is firmly out of the question due to religious reasons. That really narks me because in his religion he is allowed to have up to 4 wives, yet he cannot have the egg from another woman! Anyway around February he told me that he has to be honest with himself and especially with me; he said that although he can live without children now and probably for the next few years, he's worried that one day he will really want his own children and for that reason he feels it his duty that we should split up now cos he doesn't want to string me along and then dump me for a younger bird at some point in the future. We have talked and talked but can find no solution. He doesn't want to split up with me - says he loves me, that I'm everything to him, that our marriage is perfect in every other way, says that if he left it would probably be the biggest mistake of his life...... he said he thinks he can be childless for the sake of us staying together, but that he can't be sure how he'll feel in the future; says he's too young to make such a decision. He says it upsets him too much to think about it. So we've both been avoiding discussing it recently. I've left the decision to him, although something in me changed towards him when he dropped this bombshell. I still love him and don't want us to seperate but I also don't like living in limbo; not being able to plan anything.... Part of me thinks I should be the one ending it, but something is holding me back cos I'm just so unsure. I love him so much and he is such a great guy - intelligent, good looking, great body - the intimacy between us is just amazing and I know he'd never cheat on me, and he's so ambitious, doing well in his career.... I guess I'm just waiting for something to happen that makes me feel now is the time to end it. I don't know what I'm trying to say really, it's just nice to get it off my chest to folk who understand. Beauticat, I think you deserve better than your ex - they say the best way to get over it is to find someone else.... Maybe I need to do that too...... But the thought of going through the whole dating thing again fills me with dread.....

Love Sharon.


----------



## chloe99

Dear Sharon.  You obviously both love one another very much     .  I hope you don;t think the suggestion insensitive, but if your husband is able to marry 4 women, do you think you could ever give a thought to a plural marriage?  I am sure the idea is totally shocking to you (really sorry if I am upsetting you by saying this) but you DO love one another and maybe there is no need to be on  the dating scene etc when you could remain married to him and fulfil each other's dreams as loving marriage partners but without children of your own together.  Is it worth a thought? Please ignore and forgive me if you think I'm being an insensitive cow, it's just that relationships dont have to be what "people" expect, they dont HAVE to conform to social norms,  if it works for you then you could do things a little differently.  xxx


----------



## sharonannzaki

Hi Chloe

Thanks for your reply.  You're right, sharing him with another woman is an option, but it's not for me, not right now anyway.  But I can never say never - I might surprise myself and feel differently about polygamy one day.  I'm just going to have to take each day as it comes and leave it to fate - she has a way of stepping in when we least expect it and sometimes decisions are made for us - usually in our best interests, although we don't always think so at the time - I truly believe that.  

Love Sharon.


----------

