# IVF not for Everyone!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi girls
I have been thinking about this topic for a long time about individuals/ couples deciding not to go for any infertility treatment. Maybe some of you may beable to relate to this aspect of your IF journey. Recently i have had to stand back and look at what each of us have had to deal with out infertility. I never really gave it much thought to those who do not want to go for IVF treatment. 
The feelings that come with it, the guilt and pressure of wanting a baby so much. The society we live in and the pressure that comes with it...Its as if the general public feel that IVF is the answer but as we all know that it isn't? The thoughts of really wanting a child and feeling bad because deep down you know that ivf is not for you..You are also dealing with 'if i wanted a child that much then i would have gone down the IVF route'? The feeling of just being a number (not always) and losing some of our dignity that comes hand in hand with infertility. Also what effect these drugs has on our bodies and not knowing any longstanding problems.
So how do you come to the decision of not wanting any treatment? Its hard enough going on the ivf route as that can be a bit of an obsession, never knowing when to call it a day?
I took a different path like many on this website and went down the IVF route. I wonder if we would go down that IVF route again if we had our time over? Although there maybe be lots of unsuccessful outcomes, there have been successes for many others. Knowing once you step on the rollercoaster how do you get of it, as IVF can take a real grip on you. We also hear of the many couples who have given up and they get pregnant naturally. So how do you weigh up the pros and cons?
The answer to some questions i suppose is to follow what is right for us as individuals and reaching those decisions with our partners. To have friends and family to talk to and maybe seeking outside help to guide us through any decisions. 
What do you think?
lots of love 
astridxxxx


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## jellybelly (Oct 19, 2004)

Hi Astrid,

It was nice to read a post that IVF is not for everyone.

My husband and I had been through three miscarriages, endometriosis, having clomid, and basically trying for approx 7\8 yrs to have a baby.

Due to the fact that we have had so much to deal with we decided that enough was enough and we couldn't deal with going through ivf.  It was a huge decision to make but we decided to try and get on with our lives child free.

Christmas is always very hard, as is mother's day.  My husband for the first time this year was very depressed about not having children at Christmas time.  I was telling my mother and she could not understand why we have not gone through IVF and tried in her words "harder".  I had to tell her in the end that she didn't understand that we could not have coped with the stresses and strains of it all and told her not to mention it again.

Its a hard decision to make but we both know we made the right one.

Love to you all

Jelly
xxxxxx


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Dear Astrid

Thanks so much for raising this topic.

Despite ttc for (gulp) almost 13 years, we have never had IVF.

We had all the investigations years ago and were "unexplained" with a slight bit of endo.

I always hated the very thought of treatment and having to tell people (I'm a very private person), but also the likelihood of sucess never seemed high enough to put ourselves through something so gruelling.  I also didn't know how I would cope with failures at £3k a shot !  So we put it off for years and kept hoping it Wound happen naturally.  Sadly that wasn't to be either and now at 40, I am finally accepting that is wasn't to be for us.

Jellybelly    I suspect I would feel exactly the same way as you if I'd been through your traumas    .  I understand completely about the comments about trying "harder" too.  Some ignorant person at my work once said to another colleague "Well, if she really wanted a baby, she'd do anything".
All this shows is a complete lack of understanding of what it really feels like to suffer from IF.

I do sometimes wonder how things would be for DH and I now had we had successive failures.  Frankly, I don't think I would have been strong enough mentally to cope and there is the question of when do you stop.  There's always some adjustment to the treatment that can be made etc etc., or we can try donor eggs.  Alternatively there is always the chance that we might have been amongst the lucky ones if we had tried.  But if we'd felt that strongly about it, we would have tried.

Astrid is right ...I think we just have to do what feels right for us at the time, and others should respect us for having the courage to do so.


Lots of Love, 

Eilidh
XX


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Hi Astrid, Jellybelly and Eilidh

Thank you so much for your posts which I really identify with.  It's good to know you're out there!

I hate it when other people assume that anyone can have a child if you want it enough and try "hard" enough-grrrr.  Media focus on the IVF success stories doesn't help- no wonder people are ill informed.

We've been ttc for 7 years and, one miscarriage and a lot of tests later, we too have decided to give up and not to go for IVF.  

Our diagnosis was unexplained too, so we never knew what problem the treatment would be trying to overcome. Whenever I thought about treatment I didn't even feel an inkling of hope, I just felt that we'd be putting ourselves through more misery for nothing.  I'd had a hycosy and a laparoscopy and found those gruelling (yes I am a wimp and hate hospitals!).  The lap was cancelled 3 times for hospital staffing reasons.  I was an emotional wreck building myself up for that, then getting a call a few days before to say it had been cancelled.  I don't know how dh managed to live with me during that time.  I didn't want to risk our relationship. 

So, like you both, I don't think I could have coped with IVF. I wanted us to get on with our lives.  It's only been a month since we came off the waiting list so it's early days but we're sure we've done the right thing.  I believe in following your gut instinct.

Love and hugs to you all
Topsy


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi all

I lurk here and there occasionally and this topic caught my eye.

I can honestly say that many times I've wondered if I really want a baby badly enough to put myself through IVF and then I've felt horribly guilty for even thinking that. In the end I have put myself through it (and may yet do so again) but it hasn't been without terrible cost. One success story in 5 treatment cycles ended in a miscarriage for me and now I'm scared of ever getting pregnant again in case it happens again and I'm scared of not ever getting pregnant again because the thought of not having children feels completely anethema to everything I thought I would ever be in life. What's my point if it isn't to have the opportunity to shape and mould little people that I bring into this world? Having said all that, there's many a time when a nicely expensive forgien holiday and a new sofa sound like a far more inviting proposition than sticking a needle into myself every day and undergoing the dignity-destroying trauma of EC/ET all for a 25% chance of something tha'ts going to leech money out of my bank account and cause me untold worry for the next 18 to 60 years anyway! The inbuilt desire to procreate has an awful lot to answer for!  
Truth be told, if it wasn't for egg sharing I doubt DH and I would ever have gone down the IVF route as cost would have prohibited it for us. I am glad that we did though but hindsight is a double edged sword. Had I know 8 years ago when I first chucked away my contraceptives and waited hopefully and excitedly for (what I stupidly thought) was inevitable, that my journey would take me to this place I am at now, I would have, there and then abandoned the idea of my own genetic child and gone straight in for adoption. Sadly I think it is probably too late for me to adopt now as my DH is 55 now and dead set against it (8 years ago he probably would have felt differently!) 
What frustrates me is that I didn't leave it too late to start trying (I was 26 when we started ttc) and I spent 7 years on the pill trying hard not to get pg before that! I thought I was being sensible and waiting until we had a place of our own to bring a child into before having one. 
The only lesson I have learnt from the whole experience is that life is horribly unfair and that you should never take anything for granted.
As I say I still don't know if DH and I will pursue IVF again. All I know is that the thought of not having a child is making me miserable and hollow. I rather think when you decide to live child free that the feelings you feel should include relief that you can move on with your life. I don't feel that yet when I imagine a child-free life so I'm not sure I'm ready to give up just yet.

C~x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

Its amazing how far reaching the effects of IF are - and its also incredible the things that people say who have never been through any of it.

My story is a little different to those of you who have already posted as I had 2 ectopic pregnancies (in each fallopian tube) which put a halt to my ever being able to conceive a natural pregnancy ever again. The first ectopic damaged my right fallopian tube, the second resulted in the loss of my left tube. So there it was - not only did we lose our precious babies but suddenly my fertility was halved, then there was none! I was to have a 3rd shocker of a further ectopic years later after having already undergone IVF twice, I had already had a miscarriage from the 1st IVF attempt. 2 subsequent attempts at IVF later and enough was enough - we simply wanted to get off the IVF bandwagon and all it entails.

We didn't want to go through any more losses, nor any more invasive and sometimes soul destroying proceedures. We didn't want to live our lives watching every penny to pay for the next cycle, the frozen embies in storage, this proceedure, that proceedure etc.

Don't get me wrong - we were grateful for the oppertunity of IVF, but now we are 100% happy with walking away from the whole IVF world. What maddens me is Joe Public only ever hears the good side of IVF where there are magazine articles with ladies with their offspring. No-one sees the downside of treatment failure - its not deemed as something that would sell a magazine. Cynical me! I think IF makes you a little cynical when you have all these articles quoted at you year after year!

My final IVF attempt (actually, we refer to it as our IVF disaster because one thing went wrong after another - LOL) ended last July and after we had walked away from the clinic for the final time saying enough it was like a weight had been lifted from our shoulders. We have had people tell us we have 'given up' which makes me fuming - no one who has been through IF whether they go down alternative routes to parenthood or not is a quitter... if only these people (who procreate without any problems) had to walk in our shoes for a while - I wonder if they would make these comments then?

I have 2 friends who have chosen never to pursue IVF or any type of assisted conception, and I understand where they are coming from. Sometimes, it is good to be able to have the choice when you feel all others have been taken from you - this is part of the reason why we felt so empowered in making that choice to put an end to any more treatments.

Its very much a horses for courses thing - whilst I was going through IVF I was determined to give it my best shot, and to have the hope where there was none before was amazing. The downside though has been missing out on so many other things in our lives because treatments took priority, and how invasive the treatment is - it really is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and the financial cost. I have also piled on weight - I am dieting at the moment to lose the 2.5 stone I piled on during treatment! 

Best of luck to you ladies who are thinking of pursing more treatment, and best of luck to those of you whom are seeking another way of life like myself. We are all wonderful, brave and beautiful beings as far as I am concerned!

Love to all
Emcee xxx

ps, sorry if I have waffled on... its late and my head is tired and fuzzy! xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Yes, we have been thru 6 yrs on the ttc rollercoaster!!! My dh is against ivf for moral reasons and up until 2 yrs ago (when we married 4 yrs) we really thought it would happen naturally.We are unexplained too. Dh has daughter from previous relationship. She has lived with us always and we always thought we were taking longer as no-one else was in the same situation as us-ie having a child there from day 1 of our marriage.Finally after a lot of tears we compromised on iui- twice but it didnt work. We probably would have gone a 3rd time but we were not impressed with the clinic.

I know that my dh wont go for ivf, but to be honest if i was really that angry about it wouldnt i go on and on at him til i got my way? The truth is i dont know if i could face it all either -time off work, money to pay for it etc etc.My mum thinks he is being selfish(he doesnt know that i have even told her about the other treatment) but as i explained i was the one who said that if he tried iui i wouldnt make him go back.It is worse failing on treatment than  going thru it naturally every month, isnt it?

I am waiting to hear about my tests to see about clomid- i am annoyed that it wasnt picked up 4 yrs ago. If i am put on it that is my last shot.Then i will have to come to terms with it all. Even if i have to go on medication to get me thru the first bit i will do that.There is no guarantee that ivf works anyway when the diagnosis is unexplained!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi girls
Thankyou for taking the time to share your stories i have been so touched by them all..I have also realised how precious we all are. By sharing our painful times this can help us to put things into its rightful place and help us walk forward with our lives. I am so grateful to everyone and i can honestly say you are all helping me through making clearer decisions. We are all unique in our own ways and have lead different IF paths. When i read through each of your postings i feel very sad and sometimes i look at my life I think i have had an easier road at times. 
The issues that surround  wanting to go for another tx but cannot face it plaques me at times. I feel i cannot face doing another one and that memory of it failing really stops me. I am also alot more realistic and now stop and think would there be any use anyway? The other thing is dealing with your conscious and thinking will i regret this later on in life? But like Emcee said its about looking on the positive instead of the negative and that is to catch up on all those wasted years.  I also found that i missed me during my treatment and hated the person i was all about. I can have a laugh now do i want to trade that in for those miserable days?
I have come to the decision that i have just as much chance in getting pregnant naturally as with alternative medical treatment. Practically nil and I mentioned this to my consultant and he nearly fell of his chair. All i do know its the amount of sad days are becoming shorter and as my hubby mentioned i am alot less tearful than when i was going for tx. I had to standback and think yep you are right. So maybe going for treatment is not the answer to everything as we have all found out. Its also dealing with the realisation its not going to happen naturally so thats a hard one to swallow..its like feeling redundant because its out of our hands and it cannot be changed. Sometimes thats why i slide down the IVf route because i think thats maybe its the answer but deep down i know its not. Overall would i have done things differently but we probably all would with alittle hindsight it could have been a good thing or a bad thing? I feel i did the right thing during my journey and i suppose it is about having peace of mind with myself.
Thanks for being there..
love astridxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

I'm so glad you posted this as a topic, Astrid. I haven't gone down the ivf route, mainly because I don't want to go through the uncertainty of it and also because I don't want to interfere with nature. When I first told friends that we were struggling to get pregnant naturally their immediate reaction was "What about ivf?" and then "What about adoption?". But it's just not that simple. Adoption is practically ruled out as a couple because of the age gap between me and dh. I feel that it would be unfair to go out of our way to go through ivf because nature is obviously dictating that it's not meant to be. 

I got as far as going to the GPs and getting some tests. Then when it came to being referred to a consultant and being faced with all those forms about whether or not you suffer from mental illness or have a criminal record etc. and being asked to plot on a chart when you have sex, I just couldn't stomach it. I kept them hanging around on the side for a while and then I just ripped them all up and put them in the recycle bin. My dh was so relieved! Since then I had a vague hope that it would happen naturally but another year has gone by and nothing. I also feel bad that if I was really bothered I would be taking temperature charts and investing in ovulation kits, but I just know in my heart of hearts that it's not that easy and I don't want to turn my life into a scientific experiment. But, then you do have to cope with the fact that friends and family probably think you don't want a baby enough to go the extra mile. I also have to cope with thinking that they all think - what did she expect marrying a man old enough to be her dad etc. And even worse when you hear about all the Rod  Stewarts, Michael Douglas, Paul McCartney, John Prescott's of the world. All successful older fathers who have managed it!


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## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi, 

I'm a bit of a lurker too, and this post really struck a chord with me too. 

DH & I weren't going to have children, when we met we didn't want them and certainly were taking the moral high ground of "if it doesn't happen naturally we won't take anything further" - oh how naiive were we then  ! I then had a scare and found that we were both really disappointed when we found out that it was -tive. I always suspected that I'd have problems due to the endo, then had a lap last Feb and found out that the endo was stage 4 and had pretty much obliterated my ovaries, tubes and uterus and that "natural" conception was not an option. DH was then tested as part of a tentative enquiry at the fertility clinic and he has really low sperm, and those he has are pretty lazy so we'd gone from hoping to try to having no hope at all. Bit of a shock to say the least and hit me hard. 

We went to see the IVF clinic last June to decide what we felt, we'd both decided that even if we wanted to go for it that we'd leave it for a while until I'd got used to my diagnosis and we'd got some money in reserve. I was shocked at how pressured I felt about making a decision there & then (the Dr was SO surprised that we didn't want to sign up on the spot) but felt that the Dr hadn't really given me much reassurance as to whether the drugs would set my endo crazy (a concern of mine), and whether my tendency to depression would be made worse with such hormonal craziness. We decided to leave it and although it's been hard I think now that we're doing the right thing. That said, we are lucky that we can change our minds although I'm turning my mind round to a hysterectomy to try and see whether I can move on with my life and hopefully get rid of endo. 

I've had such negativity from some quarters, who think that as I'm not pursuing IVF I'm not bothered, and can't be that upset about being unable to conceive, which is hard. I think that the media portray IVF as a Cure All to infertility and an easy option - I think anyone who goes down that path is so strong and so brave and the soul searching involved must be huge. Some "friends" of mine are now seeing me as a child hater or someone who is almost pleased that I don't have to be tied down and this is so difficult to deal with but I am now of the opinion that they are just bitter that the versions of motherhood they had whilst pregnant are different now they have a tiny, demanding, screaming baby. 

Anyway. Sorry for rambling! Thanks so much for posting this though, I've felt quite lonely about the decisions we've made and it's nice to know I'm not on my own. 

Sam
xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Sam
Welcome and i am glad that you took the step to share your IF route with us. I just want to say that i think that you are a very brave person and that whatever route we take we still have to deal with those issues regarding any decisions we make. I think you have had a long a difficult path and it seems as if you have had to deal with alot of aspects surrounding infertility and it must be very painful for you. The one thing i am glad about is that you do not  'feel so alone' and i am so glad that we can share things with a non-judgemental group of women. 
You know where we are because IF is like a spiders web there are so many directions that lead us into the unknown and sometimes we need to be there for each other..
Look after yourself...
lots of love Astridxx


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## Mamf (Jan 2, 2006)

Hi Astrid, 

Thanks so much for your kind and welcoming words, I've been a bit reluctant to look on this site as I felt a bit of a fraud but you're all so nice and inclusive I feel a bit daft now! 

Thanks again, and I look forward to getting to know you all. 

Love

Sam
xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hey sam
Thankyou.....we are all here to help one another and we have all been at crossroads in our lives where we do not know where to turn...its just a good and positive thing that you are sharing your thoughts and vice versa with women that do care and understand...
Anytime and goodluck..
love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Welcome Sam, i am on this board but still trying to come to terms with having a miracle but trying to move on if we dont!!! xxx


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