# Anyone else in this situation?



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm feeling really isolated at the moment and dare I say lonely (partly due to my own doing - self preservation)....

Basically, I'm newly single and have recently had a failed OE IVF cycle. Timing wasn't great. Wish I'd waited. But, the outcome would probably have been the same, so at least I know where I stand for the next time.

Trouble is the next time is likely to be in 2 years time (once I've paid off my debts and saved enough money for another try). However, by then I will be approaching 45 so it will have to be donor egg IVF... 

Anybody relate? Trying to grieve the fact that I'll never have my own genetic child and whilst DE IVF doesn't faze me. The fact that if I'd been able to try again now, I could in theory achieve a successful outcome (according to the specialists). That makes it worse in a way because there's nothing I can do about, it due to lack of funds (circumstances). I've got a good job, but like I say I need to pay off debts and getting into more debt isn't an option... 

Anyway, I'm really struggling at the moment because its, babies, babies and pregnant women everywhere (It feels like it anyway) and I've got nothing to take my mind off things apart from work. I feel desperately sad and angry and whilst I hope and pray it will be my turn some day (albeit later than anticipated), it's the here and now I'm struggling with. I don't have any coping strategies to get through the next 2 years and am finding in myself a little depressed. I've arranged to see a therapist in September (which I know is the right thing to do), but I feel like a ship at sea at the moment and seem to have lost my spark... I also feel guilty because my situation could be a lot worse... Anybody in a similar situation?


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Sending you the biggest   Gaia x

I'm in a similar situation I suppose.  We've had 3 cycles, 1 miscarriage and 2 failures, and now that's it with nothing to show but a colossal debt and traumatised marriage.

I've completely withdrawn too and am feeling horribly lonely but unable to find a way out of it either.  I've even stopped going into work as I mostly work from home but I'm struggling to go in at all since our last failed cycle because if my colleagues aren't heavily pregnant then they talk about their children and lovely things constantly (our last team meeting even started with a 10 minute conversation about how different foods affect breast feeding   )

I think that you describe it perfectly about losing your spark.  That is exactly how I feel, I'm still here somewhere but my light has gone out.

I've been really depressed I suppose.  It's great that you are seeing a therapist.  I had one too through work and it was good to talk to someone, though I didn't really come out with any coping mechanisms like I hoped.  I really hope that it helps you.

Sorry that I can't give you a yes to being in a similar situation but a lovely positive note to it.  I just wanted to send you a little love and say that how you're feeling is absolutely normal and (according to my therapist) a really healthy way to mourn your loss, repair and start to eventually recover.

PS.  I had a fit of guilt too just this morning.  I was feeling really sorry for myself and I saw a poor wild bunny with horrible myxomatosis.  The slightest and completely unrelated thing can make you realise how lucky we are in a way can't it.  It's that realisation that helps you to get up every day xxx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Gaia 
I found myself on my own after losing my.first boys 13 years ago.  Took me a long time to get over that and start a new life.  I hoped the want for a child would wane, life would have been so much simpler,  but it never did. Then when I could go ahead again it never happened cycle after cycle of treatment.  I found the best way was to break things down into smaller steps as looking too far ahead such as 2 years seemed way too big a challenge.  

First of all pat yourself on the back you had a go with your own eggs whilst you could.  You can now look back with no regrets on that score.  Then take a good look at finances to see if it really would take 2 years to get yourself sorted?  Have a look at treatment abroad it's considerably cheaper and has double the success rate.  in the meantime look at some courses yo learn new things on a evening.  This would get you out meeting new people, taking your mind off things for a bit and doesn't cost a lot.
Good Luck 
TCC x


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks Tincancat (great name by the way)... I know I need to get out more - develop some hobbies, build some structure into my life outside TTC etc... especially, as it's on hold for 2 years (hopefully less). It's not that I won't get another chance so to speak. I guess I'm just impatient and the isolation is really hard (partly of my own doing outside work). However, isolating myself isn't going to help my cause and certainly isn't going to help me build more relationships or even meet somebody. The main thing that's putting me off doing a course (because I thought about doing some complementary therapy courses last year) is money. Trying to save as much spare cash for DE IVF in a year or so. Can't afford to do a course really. I'm trying to motivate myself towards sport (swimming, walking etc) because it's cheap and gets the endorphins flowing. Feel a lot better during the week funnily enough - probably because I'm busy. It's the weekends and holidays that I struggle with now for obvious reasons. I guess that's where I need to build in some activities (fun ones)... I will get there....   Sometimes I struggle to see the bigger picture (the long-term). I'm still young (isn) and plenty of time for DE IVF (OE if I get a windfall anytime soon  ). Got to stay positive


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Gaia
I did some short courses in the evenings at local colleges and school: they were really cheap.  Usually can be found under 'adult learning courses' on local council website.
Good Luck
TCC c


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