# Regression



## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Can anyone offer advice on adopted children & regression, should we go with the flow, try to get them it move on, or encourage it?! 
I'm new to this but seems according to professionals she's regressed a bit, it's not back to baby but dressing her self bad feeding is younger. But then that's all I've known of her, and don't know what 3yr olds should or shouldn't be doing. 
How long does regression last.? Does it last forever? Will she still be childish as a teenager?! 
What causes it?!


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

There is a good blog called surviving 15 years of adoption, this is talked about in it. I have done you a little clip but check it out, I have read this blog for some time and it does come up with some good facts and ideas.

Regression in Adoption .

As The Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO has set the task of writing on Regression . I have decided to embrace the subject and write about how children that are adopted can regress.
I believe we all have a vulnerable inner child that emerges under periods of intense stress and if we feel insecure .
As adults we are more able to recognise our vulnerabilities and put things into perspective but children don't have that ability .In Children with early life trauma this may be visible at times when they are facing change or stressful situations like changing classes at school or attending school trips .

When our girls were placed with us they were five and six years old , although perfectly able to dress , wash and do the usual every day things that children of their age can perform .
I soon found that they both appeared to behave much younger than the children we met in the Foster care placement .
I found myself having to take the role of dressing them both , helping them clean their teeth and doing up their shoes. Lauren regressed the most , she continually wanted her dad to carry her , sucked her thumb and was closer to a two year old than her five years .Lauren cried permanently for the first year of placement , she screamed like a baby and every time she went out in the car she screamed and arched her back refusing to sit in her car seat .
Lauren had been very sick as a young child and it came to light that everybody mothered her and treated her like a baby .Everybody who met Lauren for the first time treated her like a baby as well it really was very noticeable .
I started to gradually change her clothes over as her foster mum had dressed her in toddler clothes and this added to the problem .
Lauren loved getting new clothes and was happy to show off her new look , this change in itself helped Lauren to grow up a little .
Whenever Lauren was insecure you could see her close down , her voice would become like a baby .She would say she felt sick or have some little cut or bruise to show for attention.

Amy could give the impression that she was older than her years but could never do any task without asking.I found it exhausting especially as she was still carrying this behaviour on until she was about sixteen .

It is very hard bringing a child up who appears on the surface to be in control and mature but displaying baby behaviours .
Whenever there was any change or after contact with their siblings the girls would regress back to early childlike behaviour .

Only last week Lauren who is now eighteen went on holiday with her boyfriend to Bognor Regis to a Butlins holiday camp .
I was surprised how often she texted me and phoned me several times over the few days she was away . I asked her if she was ok and she said she was but did say the holiday was reminding her of holidays when she was little .Lauren wanted to go in the ball pool and kept talking about when she was little .
Both girls still regress in times of stress and feel very vulnerable when things change .

Amy is about to move to a new flat and although looking forward to it , I can see her anxiety about the change and its very important to her that I m happy with where she is living and that I will still be there .
Children with attachment problems can be very controlling .The lengths they will go to win any confrontations,doing everything in their power to be in charge .Working with these extreme control issues and the childlike behaviour ,your life can become like a balancing act often leaving you wondering who is actually the parent at times.
The only advice I can give you if your struggling when your children regress is just to go with the flow .As life situations improve they will settle down .This behaviour is actually them checking you are there to support them and care for them when they don't have the resources or strength to do this for themselves .


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks for the info, I'm desperate for some help.  Mummy is doing well, she can talk to LO like an adult and get proper responses but as soon as I'm home from work I get the 'baby version', and it doesn't stop until she goes to sleep.

I'm finding it very tough and tiring at the moment.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

my 8 yr old talks in baby voice A LOT..it can get very wearing..she also doesnt really want to grow up..lots of tears about growing about clothes/time moving on…. She, and her brother, have both recemtly begged me to buy them a dummy as they miss them!
I understand..
kj x


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Paul sending you


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Bug does this sometimes, and most of the time we keep it light and bargain with him for reasonable limitations.  He often wants me to feed him (he's 3.5) and I'll sometimes say no, sometimes tell him he has to eat some first, or we take turns or something.  If we try and resist it, reject it or talk him out of it, he digs his heels in.  If we facilitate it, within reasonable limits, he settles out of it again soon.

I've often found that when faced with change, or when people start to talk about him being a 'big boy' he wants to do baby things.  When he was coming up to his 3rd birthday he would even say, "I'm NOT a big boy, I'm a wittle boy!"  The latest round of baby games have come as a result of starting pre-school, I think.

In most cases, when he's initiated a 'baby' thing, we've turned it into a game so that in time it just becomes about play, rather than being a baby.  So we play 'baby boy' after baths, where I wrap him up and cradle him like a baby, but sing a made up song about being safe in mummy's arms in silly voices at the top of my voice, rocking him like an out of control fair ground ride!  Or his new one is when he's messing about in bed with us at weekend mornings, and he announces he's a baby, so we feed him imaginary food - it all has to be mashed!  So he gets mashed potato, mashed cornflakes, mashed cat food, mashed twigs, mashed ketchup.... and he accepts or rejects while giggling like a loon.

He also has to be winded after these imaginary food games.  Which means we've discovered he can burp on demand.  Sigh.  He's such a boy.... gggg  

He's filling in the gaps - even those created in the womb - from when he experienced neglect, even though he has had very little of that in his life.  I think he's also filling in gaps of not having had baby stuff with us.  

And then, of course, he's just being a silly pre-schooler, playing games.  It's okay with us.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I get this sometimes with Wyxling.  She came to us far far too old for her age in many ways and very determined not to let us baby her or look after her.  

I absolutely embrace it, although hubby finds it very annoying.  To be honest I find it very annoying sometimes too and I used to discourage it sometimes when we're in a hurry, but it never worked.  Now if she wants to be babied I completely go with it and take over and do the thing for her.  I find that if she's trying to be controlling then she just gets irritated and starts doing it herself, and if she's having a genuine need to be baby day, then it helps us.  The only thing that's the real no-no is wanting to be carried, because I've usually got a buggy with me, and even if Bladelet's not in it, I can't manage the buggy, reigns and then carry Wyxling too.  She kind of knows that one now though, and only tends to ask if hubby's with us and I could realistically carry her.  Of course then Bladelet wants to be carried too and it all gets quite complicated and I end the day with very tired arms.  I definitely can't carry both of them at once any more, at least not any further than maybe up or down the stairs, or to and from the car, if I really need to.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i just this article..havent read it all but saw the title and thought of this thread!

http://www.lifewithkatie.co.uk/2014/05/an-issue-of-regression.html

kj x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I really try to embrace it especially the babying with food, but as I'm not the main caregiver DW gets the fallout when I'm not at home (most of the week).

We've admittedly had a better week this week, we even left her with grandparents long enough to go on a cinema date together, 1st time in 17 weeks!


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