# I never thought I could hurt this much.



## idreamofbaby (Oct 10, 2003)

Hi

I haven't written that many posts on here, I have only written on the Clomid 2ww board til now. 

I started spotting this morning and it's scary how much I feel like I want to die. 

It was our 5th cycle, 3rd on Clomid. I really thought this month it was going to happen. That was my mistake you see, hoping too much! 

There are so many ladies on here in the same boat as me, and it helps to get my feelings out. 

I was so excited yesterday, but today it feels like I have been hit in the stomach by Mike Tyson. 

I have been crying most of the day. Our nurses have told me to take a couple of months off because the Clomid has been making me realy poorly and (as you all know) the stress of all this is making me go loopy... 

I am sorry to hear about everyone else's BFN's... I share your pain and feel for you as I do myself.

I'm struggling to write anymore

Bye for now

Debs


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## Dee (Jan 27, 2003)

Dear Debs

I am so dreadfully sorry that you feel so despondant.

I hate it, sweetheart, that you "feel like you want to die" ... you should never ever feel that way.  This IF lark is so so cruel, none of us who so long for our babies should have to go through it BUT unfortunately life isn't like that and the "good" sometimes suffer.

I could be speaking out of turn ... BUT .. you have many options open to you yet, some not involving the dreaded chlomid ... book a review with your clinic and start to talk about donor IVF/ICSI

Whatever route you take, I hope that your dreams come true!

Love
Dee
xxx


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## sophie (Jun 2, 2002)

Hi Debs

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so crap about everything. IF is so unbelievably cruel and hurts so much

I'm afraid I don't have any words to make you feel better but you will get lots of support on here and that certainly helped me through the terrible days/weeks and months after a negative.

lots of love and hugs
Sophie
xx


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## idreamofbaby (Oct 10, 2003)

Hi Dee,

Thanks for those kind words.

I only wish that we could afford ICSI, but that costs £4,000 per cycle where we live not including Donor Sperm but our basic DI with Clomid is only (??) £300 a cycle. Which is not bad in comparison.

The effects are chronic but I am hoping that it will all be worth it in the end. The Clinic are very positive, do you think they would tell me it was definitely going to work eventualy if they thought it wasn't

Hugs

Debs xxx


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Aw - Debs 

i'm so sorry it's not worked for you this time, hun - wish i could make it better for you. I used to feel each month that i was grieving for what might have been and all that hope would just come crashing down. It will pass, even though it feels so raw now.

Look after yourself and take some time and when you're ready to start again, we're all here for you. It will be your time one day - hold onto that, hun.

Take great care, Lizzy xxx


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## JanieL (Jun 10, 2003)

Debs,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. There are so many of us who know exactly how you feel and are here for you. Please don't feel that you are alone - you've got lots of friends here who will help and support you all we can.

love Janie x


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## caron (Sep 1, 2003)

hiya debs,

so sorry to read your post, try and keep your hope, its hard but you have to believe it will happen, we all know how your feeling ,I felt the same way myself last week,but its true time is a great healer.
I wish you much luck for your future tx,may your dreams come true
love caron xxx


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## Fiffi (Aug 15, 2003)

Hi

I am so sorry to hear your news. Life seems so cruel sometimes and I wish I had the words to say something that could comfort you. the only thing I can say is that we all here share your pain and grief, having gone through it...and it does get a little better as time passes.

I wish you and yours all the strength in this world in this difficult time.

a million hugs
Fiffi


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## Fee (May 8, 2003)

Dear Dream
So sorry for your negative Debs. It is so painful and unfair - but please don't feel like dying. you're too special to think so negatively.
It was good to Chat in the chat room last night. Thought you were very brave. 
Heaps of hugs and love
Fee xxxx


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## sam_mcl (Mar 25, 2002)

Hi Debs - I was so sorry to read your post - it rang so true with me! This treatment is the worse for kicking you when you are already down! I promise you will feel better and strong enough to go forward. 

I think you should speak to the clinic and get the options. You can then (if you want) take some time out with peace of mind knowing the way forward. There are lots of options - but be positive you will get there!!!

Clomid is horrible - made me feel depressed and down - get it out of your system and then think about what you want to do!

IM me if you want to chat.

Lots of love
Sam
xxx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Oh Debs,

I felt really upset to read in your post that "I feel like I want to die". The pain of a failed cycle is so enormous that our emotions become overwhelming.

It is tough but you are strong because you have tried before and come through it.

I am still hurting from my failed cycle but it does get easier.

Sending you hugs sweetheart.

Lainex


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## GAIL M (Apr 26, 2003)

Dear Debs,

So very sorry to read your news ^group^.

I know it is very raw at the moment, but trust me time does heal. You are a very strong person for going down the route of IF tx to achieve your dream. You and you DH will get through this.

Take care of yourself and each other,

Luv and Hugs
Gail x


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## Chloe101 (Sep 22, 2003)

Hi Debs

I haven't been on the boards for a while, I also had a failed ICSI last month, I thought my heart would break. I have been trying for over four years and have had 6 months on Clomid, but we had to have ICSI, one free go and that didn't work, so we are saving like mad for another go in the new year. If you are feeling so low, you need to get some help,  . Take a couple of months off from treatment, your body needs to recover, spoil yourself, candles, warm baths, a glass or two of wine, go out for a meal, anything that makes you and hubby feel good. But please don't suffer in silence, there are many people on here to support you, they care about how you feel, and are suffering with you. 

Let us all know in a couple of days how you are feeling, I will be back on Monday.

Take care
Chloe
XXXXXX


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## idreamofbaby (Oct 10, 2003)

Aww you Guys... 

I never realised that this site would give me so much encouragement and support. You are all angels! 

I have read all your kind words and cried a whole bunch just reading them. It was a scary thought just thinking about keeping on going the way I was feeling a couple of days ago! I was very confused about what I wanted to do, I was all over the place! 

But having read your lovely replies I am humbled to be amongst such lovely caring people. 

We are taking a break until next year. My nurse rang me yesterday because she had been thinking about me and was worried that I was going to give up on everything.

I guess we've come too far and waited too long to give up now! 

Thank you everyone again.

Love to all and tonnes and TONNES of babydust sprinkled liberally over all your tummies!

Debs x


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## Clare (Nov 2, 2002)

Hello Debs

Your post made me really sad, I hope you are now feeling abit better.

I too had several attempts on clomid (male infertility) and then several goes at IUI all neg and I was emotionally left very sad etc

We then changed clinics and stopped the IUI and saved for IVF and I'm not telling you that's what you should do at all, I just wish I'd gone down the IVF road sooner rather than later.

IVF then went onto ICSI and I am now pg with twins.

I know how horrible this whole process is but I didn't want to keep trying something if it wasn't working and so stopped and saved, which was very hard because I felt useless like I wasn't doing enough and was in limbo etc

I am assuming that you have had all the relevent tests to ensure that the swim can make it to the eggs etc etc? I say this because our clininc didn't and I didn't have a clue what tests we needed so we were paying out for something that had hardly no chnace of working.

Are you on your NHS waiting list? We had to pay for our IUS's and IVF but was very lucky that by the time we had ICSI we had reached the top of the list and so we had that as our nhs go.

I hope I havn't depressed or offended you I just wanted to try to offer some help in acheiving your dream which I'm so sure you will.

Love Clarexx

I know a few people who also kept on with the clomid and have had babies as a result so fingers crossed for you and dh xx


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## Kyra (Nov 26, 2003)

Hi my name is Kyra and I know exactly how you are feeling. It is so horrible to know that you are getting your period, I always spend the two days that I get cramps before my period denying that they are there. Now I know that there never was any chance (i have blocked fallopian tubes) it has made me feel that it is all so pointless. I hope that you know that I am out here for you, it has helped me enormously just to know I am not the only one on the planet feeling this way. Don't feel suicidal, life has a strange way of taking unexpected and surprising turns that keep us going. You never know what is round the corner and we just need to get through this very hard time together.


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## Karen-C (Sep 22, 2003)

Dear Debs

Hope you don't mind me butting in but I know exactly how you feel. I was supposed to test tomorrow but started spotting late on Sunday night and af came with a vengeance on Monday morning.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I just feel so fed up with everything. I feel like a failure and I have got it into my head that iui just isn't going to work for me. This was my third cycle but my second iui. THe second was abandoned due to too many follies so I am not on clomid anymore.

I cried myself to sleep on Sunday night and thankfully I was off work on MOnday and Tuesday. I Just didn't feel like facing anyone and often wish I could just sign myself off work and take a break from everything for a month or too. DH, like most others, doesn't understand just how awful I feel much as he tries to.

I know it's early days for me as I have four iui cycles left but that's two failed now and it makes you wonder why!!! Am I doing something wrong, are there tests that should have been done on me that haven't! This gets harder and harder every month and I honestly don't know how many more 2ww I can go through.

SOrry to rant on girls but I've got no-one else to talk to who understands how I feel!

Take care everyone and lots of love and luck for next time!

Karen xxx


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## GAIL M (Apr 26, 2003)

Hi Karen,

So very sorry IUI didn't work for you this time ^group^,
you will get through it as its still very raw just now.

Don't be too hard on yourself you arn't doing anything wrong, it just wasn't to be this time.

Take care of yourself and spend some "me" time.

If you need to talk just IM me, as I went through 6 failed IUI at the Monklands so I know how you feel.

Luv and Hugs
Gail x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Dear Debs and Karen

I'm so sorry things haven't worked out for you this time. Having done Clomid and IUI with no success I know that it seems like a never ending cycle of hope followed by the pain of negative results. 

Take some time out for yourselves, feel free to rant, you have every right to feel angry about the unfairness of it all. You haven't done anything wrong you were just unlucky this time but don't give upI know people who have got pg on both Clomid and IUI and hopefully your time will come.

Cindy


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## ULTRA (Nov 8, 2005)

So sorry to read about your loss. Nothing I can say will make it easier, but you are not alone!
I started my first and only ICSI full of positive thoughts and hope having finally found the man to have a child with. We took the approach we wanted to give it our best shot - it would be the icing on the cake for our relationship.
Despite the statistics and my age (44) I was convinced it would work. Everything worked beautifully, no prob with drugs even the dreaded " Torpedoes" I managed ok, just for to appear on day 14.

If sb would have told me before that I would feel so totally empty and emotional exhausted about the loss of 7-cell cluster I saw 2 weeks earlier on a screen I would have called them silly.

But here I am a week later and still weepy, lifeless and wish I could cancel Christmas this year.

Take care and try to focus on the good things in your life - we so often take them for granted.

-ULTRA-


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## hola69 (Nov 17, 2005)

Hi Debs,

please dont feel too despondant hun  - its awful I know but please remember so many people are thinking of you and wishing you well. 

There is always hope, maybe have a break for a while or go to another clinic for review and advice.. 

IF is an awful cross to bear and is the silent illness that no one sees and most of us carry alone... but please dont get too depressed, it makes me so sad to think of you like that.. I send you a HUGE hug and wish you all the best. 

Love Lesley xxx


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

Hey dont know if you had realised that this post is 2 years old and Debs now has a bubs of her own


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

I had to chuckle when i read your post Lou    i didn't notice it was that old either, just shows where my head is at the mo   

pam xx


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## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

Doesn't it go to show how one persons life can go from disappointment and upset to the joy of a baby in a couple of years. It has given me hope.

Jenny


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## ULTRA (Nov 8, 2005)

Upps, I think I need new glasses, but what great news for Debs - you really cheered me up Lou!

ULTRA


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