# Desperately reaching out



## Proud mummy (Sep 2, 2012)

Im not new to fertility friends but I'm new to the donor threads  after being told we would never conceive a child naturally in the uk we found this site and it led us to the serum clinic in Greece.Our consultant thought we would be able to conceive naturally or via IVF with our own eggs but by this point my nerves were shot and I didn't want to wait any longer and we decided to use donor eggs. We made the decision quickly and with hind sight maybe too quickly as I'm left with a what if scenario. 

I have Non I'd twin boys who are gorgeous and I don't regret them at all but the donor issue just won't leave me.  I find it hard to accept they're mine and feel jealous that my husband and his family have a link to them that I just don't have. I wish it was different and I suppose having bad pnd after their birth didn't help either.I am better now after counselling and medication  I sometimes think they would be better off without me as I'm not their mother and I feel that as they get older they will be able to tell. I drive myself mad trying to be the perfect mother to try and make it up to them that I'm not their mother. My husband despairs as he feels they Are mine. I regret telling our parents and my closest friend, not that I think they'll ever say anything but you just never know.

When I'm having a tough day I wonder why I bothered as they're not even mine. I couldn't live them any more as I adore them but the facts as I see them wont leave me. Most days or weeks icing fine but then the issue rears its ugly head again.  I toy with having a go at getting pregnant with my own egs but I'm nearly 40 and I'm not sure I could even get pregnant. I also worry that I would love the new baby more or that by having a biological child I would be taking something away from the boys.  

I know I should be grateful and I am it's just eating away at me and doesn't seem to go away.  I worry that they will find out or just be able to tell as they will just instinctively know something is wrong and that we have no biological link.  I've tried to look at research on epicenetics but it's hard to digest.  I feel like a fraud and don't know if anyone else felt like this. No one understands me and as I'm such a black and white person my husband finds it hard to reason with me.  It just feels like something Is missing and I can't shake it, so writing it o here seems my last hope.  

I love them so much but wish they had my biology 

Thanks for listening


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I can't help much as I have never managed to get pregnant with DE's, but have tried and contemplating surrogacy with DE's. Maybe your counsellor could help you look and explore how the twins would not be here if it wasn't for you i.e. carried them. Also do some more research about epigenetics and how the womb and mother carrying the child does have am impact on the child that is born in characteristics, mannerism etc. Good Luck


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## Sassy-lassy (Apr 19, 2012)

Hello Proud Mummy,

I really hear what you're saying - OH and I are taking the donor route because my eggs are rubbish - I left it so long to address my infertility problems that by the time they were sorted out, age was an issue...  

The fact we're doing this however, doesn't mean I'm entirely happy.  I'm mourning the loss of my genetic heritage.  Also, I'm not a secretive person, but because of OH's cultural heritage and my own feelings that any resulting baby won't truly be mine, we're not planning on telling any little one we're lucky enough to conceive about it's origins.  As such, I can really relate to what you say about feeling a fraud.

When I discussed my fears with my consultant though, he said that studies show that donor egg recipients bond with their babies just as well as those conceived in the normal way.  I guess this information may or may not help, but the crucial thing to remember is that not all women who conceive naturally automatically bond with their babies - a lot suffer from post-natal depression, whilst many others feel like frauds because they don't love their children in the way other mothers seem to. 

You may have needed help to have your little ones but the fact remains that after conception, it was you who carried them, and whilst the blueprint might not have been entirely yours, they were built wholly from your flesh and blood.  Even in normal conceptions, babies aren't 100% their mother's - they'd only carry 50% of your DNA.  

Furthermore, and apologies to any ladies out there who've had children via surrogate mothers, the way the genes express themselves (DNA is responsible for much more than looks) is hugely influenced by the womb which carries them.  What this means, in essence, is that not even the 'genetic' mother would have produced the same babies as you.  They are entirely unique - your input was one heck of a lot more than simply hatching an egg.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that for me, having to keep the fact that we're using DE IVF secret could make life quite difficult for me - especially when the going gets touch (as invariably it will do at times once babies are in the picture).  I am not, by nature, a secretive person and unlike OH, keeping quiet about things goes against the grain.  

I have thought a lot about this and what I might do if the secret becomes intolerable, and one path that would be potentially open to us is changing our minds about telling our child.  Given the cultural taboos about DE IVF in our instance, this would have an awful lot of negative repercussions, but these would need to balanced against my health of mind (I have a natural but inconvenient predisposition for depression).  Is 'telling' something you could consider?

I really feel for your situation, and hope that you manage to find a path towards greater self-acceptance.  I imagine that you probably keep reminding yourself of the facts, so I am not sure of my comments are helpful or not, but please be aware that: 
1) just like any mother who hasn't had DE IVF, your body has still undergone childbirth, with all the hormonal changes that go with it that can trigger depression; 
2) a lot of 'natural' mothers feel that their mothering skills aren't good enough; 
3) your twins ARE yours in that apart from that apart from those first, tiny cells, they were built and nourished entirely from your body; and 
4) if the secret really becomes too much of a burden, you can always change your mind and 'tell' after all.  As long as it's done in time for your little ones to grow up with the idea, all should be well.  If you're sure your acceptance problems cannot be attributed to depression, maybe it's worth having some counselling about this last possibility?  Secrets to some people (myself included) can be a real burden, so having everything out in the open - but perhaps without broadcasting it outside the family - might make it easier for you.

I hope some of this makes sense - it has taken ages for me to articulate and write down here!!
Sending you big hugs, and a lot of empathy.  

xxx


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## Proud mummy (Sep 2, 2012)

Thanks for such a considerate response Sassy I've read it a few times and it makes sense. Xx


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## Sassy-lassy (Apr 19, 2012)

Glad to be of help - I think understand where you're coming from because I know that I harbour similar anxieties.  Hope it all works out for you x


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Wow ladies very powerful honest accounts.  Just want to say I took 6 long months to go down egg donor route and I was ready, 3rd cycle and I am neary 7 weeks pregnant but in bed with a bleed today, preying all is ok heard heartbeat so time will tell.  

I applaud any woman who donates eggs and also like us completely respect any woman who desperately wants a baby and goes through egg donation.  What an experience to be pregnant I am the luckiest girl alive.  I have been honest about my journey am an open girl hubby very private but intend to tell child If I am lucky enough.  It's so very tough but feel this little being is all mine and feel lucky to have opportunity.

Follow your heart your bits are yrs u brought them into world and they will love u and u adore them go easy on yourself yr going to have wobbles u really are.

Take care Xxx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Proud Mummy -      I really struggled with having to go down the donor egg route, despite knowing that I may need to from the minute I decided to try and concieve (I am single).  By the time I went for my donor embryo cycle I had been considering it for almost 18 months, but any doubts at that time I had were pushed aside by the fact that I was already 42 and didn't want to be any older when and if I did get pregnant.  I have obviously also used donor sperm, so any child was not going to be linked to me or anyone I loved genetically.    I had counselling throughout ttc and the first 6 months of pregnancy.
When I got pregnant, in the first 3 months I still felt like the baby wasn't mine and it was only when I felt him move did I actually think "well, if it wasn't for me, that baby wouldn't be big enough to do that!  He would still be an embryo."  When my son was born I was so worried about how he would look - I had few details on either donor as I went abroad so it was all anonymous.  
He is almost a year now and I have loved him to bits from the start.  I have been suffering from depression too, but I have never felt that I am not his Mum - he hasn't got anyone else he can call Mum.  I remember reading of an adoptive Mum one day and her child said to her "You're not even my real Mum".  Her response was "This is as real as it gets!" and that really struck a chord with me.  I will remember those words and use them if necessary in the future!   

I'm sure that being depressed is distorting your thoughts and feelings at the moment    Deciding whether to tell or not is a personal decision and not one to be discussed or preached about on here, but until I had told my (very large) family the truth about how my son was conceived, I felt a bit of a fraud.  When I told them, I felt much better although they couldn't give two hoots how he was concieved, he's my son as far as they are concerned and that's that.

Take care and I hope that once your depression starts to lift, you will feel differently about it all.  

Take care 
GIA Tooxxx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi. Can i ask was your vouncilling with someone with experience of de ivf? Or just a standard coucillor? If the latter i would dry and get one who specialises in infertility with experience of donor eggs.
Also have you contacted the donor conception network? They may be able to help and to give yo more ingo from the donor conceived point of view.

I think there is always a bit of sadness that your children don't carry your genes. That you'll never see your dad's nose or mum's ears in you little one. But i believe all children are a gift. We dont own them. They belong to god/ the universe / mother nature - call it what you will. We are only their caretakers - here to help and guide those little souls who chose to be born as our children. Have you read the airport on here? Do a search for it under airport dublin( sorry on phone so cant put link up)

can i also say twins are hard work. One of my work colleagues who's naturally conceived twins are about 6 months younger than mine said the other day that not a day goes past when she hasn't considered leaving them on someones doorstep and running! You dont say how old yours are but incidence of pnd much higher in multiple mum's up yo 2 years post delivery. Is there a local twins club you could go to for support - it can help you realise that it's not just you who finds it hard work.

As others have said a lovely lady gave you a couple of cells - just like the ones she looses down the tollet each month. In many ways your choldren are MORE yours than if you'd just had sex to have them. They were born through a desire for them and love of them. You travelled thousands pf miles and went through lots of inj etc to have them. You are their mummy.

I would also recommend telling more people about the de. Tell them with pride. It is part of your -and your childrens - story. And go to www.lulu.com and buy a copy of 'mummy was your tummy big?'

i would also see your gp and speak to him about some drugs to give you a helping hand until you are back on track.

The fact remains you have de children. But they are YOUR children - nourished by your blood and your chi. All bar 120cells if blast transfer 8 ir 3 day came from the food you ate and water you drank at the moment of their birth - longer if you bf.

Anyway got to go. My two causing havok 

all the best. X x

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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry for typos. But also wanted to say that if you tell more people and ask them i bet they'll tell you you are an amazing mum. One thing i've learned over the years is noone ever thinks they are good enough and everyone is is better. Just be the best mum YOU can be, be honest with yourself and your children and they will love you for you - their mum.
X x


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## deirdre11 (Sep 22, 2010)

Hi Proud Mummy,

I know I won't be able to do your post justice, but wanted to say, twins will push you to your limit everyday, many times, and you can be so exhausted that you wonder how you can appreciate your little ones.  That can only add to the feelings you're having.  And so few people understand how hard twins can be, and too many people belittle parents of multiples (I've heard it all I think!).

You don't say the age of your little ones, but I found that over time those types of feelings wax and wane...  but on a good day, with a little one in my arms, with only me to depend on, nothing else matters.  I hope you have those moments, and hold on to them.

Perhaps it helps that I have one biological sibling and one adopted sibling, so for me blood relationships I know are not always the strongest, but that said, the grieving over one's eggs is real and takes time.  Perhaps acknowledging the grief completely aside from your kids could help?  

I don't know about the grateful thing....  I have trouble with that as well, absolutely I'm not saying someone owed me, not what I mean at all, but I have to think that my donor donated for her own reasons, and that perhaps no, I don't need to feel grateful, it's not the right word and if you're having trouble with it, well, then just tell yourself grateful is not going to be part of your story.  Your donor was rewarded for her own reasons, emotionally, and you can release yourself from having to feel grateful.  Does that make any sense? Twins addle your brain 

Give your wee ones a hug for me, they have a special mum, I'm sure they already know it.

Good luck,  D


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