# Having a big ol’ wobble after first appointment at Lister!!



## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

I just want reassurance that everything I’m feeling/thinking is  ”normal”. 

Had first appointment with Dr Thum at the Lister today. Everyone was lovely, my ultrasound scan didn’t show up anything abnormal etc, but I thought I would come away feeling all happy and positive and instead I felt loads of other things.  
Angry and sad that I am even having to do all this on my own.  
Worried about the cost (he has recommended ICSI) even though I know I am getting help from my GP with the drugs.  
Disappointed that I have to wait until my period starts in January before I can start taking the pill and then start treatment etc in February, even though I know that will give me more time to find a job.  
Worried then that when I get a job I will need to take lots of time off as soon as I start and won’t want to tell them why. 
Terrified it won’t work.  
Terrified it will!  
Wondering if I shouldn’t just go to a bar this weekend and shag a complete stranger?!?! 
Wondering if I’m doing the right thing?  
Scared I’m gonna forget to take a tablet/nasal spray/injection or get the timing wrong on something and screw up the whole cycle.............................................. .

I think overall I just feel scared and lonely – which sounds really pathetic!    So I hope you don’t mind me posting.  I feel really disappointed that I don’t just feel positive.  I DID buy some folic acid and thought at least if I start the pill in January etc I have time to improve my diet. 
Hope everyone else is ok and keeping fingers crossed for those in 2WW...   
GIA xx


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi GIA

First of all well done on getting through your first consultation. There's a lot to take in on a first visit so it isn't easy.

You have listed a lot of negatives but I just wanted to point out a few of the positives:

Well done for being proactive and doing this on your own. How would you feel if you left it another 3/4 years and then thought I wish I had started trying to conceive earlier....... At least you are giving it a good shot sooner rather than later

Waiting until January is no bad thing. Christmas/New Year is a stressful and busy time of the year so just think of it as new year/new start. The extra time will give you time to focus on your diet and stock up on that folic acid. You need to take it for at least 3 months prior to ttc to have max effect.
I assume the Lister were happy with all of your stats and are happy to do a cycle of IVF with you. Believe me this is no mean feet.
Most of us single ladies using donor sperm use ICIS along with IVF. Donor sperm is generally frozen and therefore more sluggish when thawed than fresh sperm. ICIS will maximise the fertilisation rate and you can at least be reassured that the sperm has reached the egg.
I remember going through the terrified it won't work/terrified it will many times. I think it is a common feeling and natural. You will get through this.
Believe me you will not forget to take any of the medication. For the few weeks that you are cycling taking the meds is all consuming and it does become routine. Should you ever have a problem with the meds then you will be given an emergency phone number to call by the clinic and I'm sure you will find the staff will be very helpful and will give you whatever advice you will need.


Good luck with your journey. You have taken the first and probably the hardest step today. Feel free to post if you ever want to vent your emotions but I am sure everything will be just fine for you.

Sima


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Thanks for your responses ladies . Was at the point of crying after reading them and my Mum called, so pulled myself together pdq 

Cem - I have booked a session with the counsellor for 7th December. I also liked your comment about being a strong independant woman and it reminded me of a song from one of my fave musicals...I've posted the lyrics below - it's quite long but funny and true I think 

Sima - Thank you for pointing out all those positives. They are going to do all my blood tests again on day 2 or 3 of my next period (well,the one after in January), so hopefully they will still be happy to go through with IVF after that. To add another positive, I felt quite proud of the fact that I had done so much research beforehand (thanks to everyone on here for their part in that!), that I understood everything they told me and at one point when I said something to Dr Thum he replied "I totally agree with you". The friend I took with me kept asking him questions and I answered them all for him! (he probably thought I was a right know it all!!)  

Anyway, here is a song (well,the lyrics) for all us singlies 

"The Bear, the Tiger, the Hamster, and the Mole" from the musical Closer Than Ever by Maltby & Shire

Stop! All right, that's it, that's that the one that does it
I've had it with this song and dance
A man must this and a woman must that
'Till relationships don't stand a chance

I'm sorry to shout, but I'm up to here
With all that crap about man and wife
For I, thank God, am a scientist
And I know the real facts of life

Like a soul possessed
I have studied and assessed
The creatures of this earth
And from moose to eel
What my studies most reveal
Is the male's inflated worth

For in most of the animal kingdom
The ladies only seldom need men
Their dealings are straight
They use them to mate
And never see them again

The bear, the tiger, the hamster, and the mole
Have females who live fruitful lives outside of male control
For one mindless spasm, they allow the male his role
That's marriage for the tiger, bear, and hamster

Now the mole, who's blind
Will never be confined
To a male she's merely felt
Once his seed is sown
She has her babes alone
In the hole where the male mole dwelt

And as for the boa constrictor
She needs no more than one male response
For when it appears
She stores it for years
To use whenever she wants

The ray, the rhino, the penguin, and the tern
Those mothers know that motherhood is not a male concern
Of course, they're not human, but they show what we can learn
They point the way, the rhino, ray, and penguin

In a field or brook
Almost anywhere you look
Are mothers on their own
On the deep, on high
Mothers kiss their mates goodbye
And they raise their young alone

Now I make no grief for the mantis
Who decapitates her mate during sex
But I do like the hawk
Who makes with a squawk
And then throws rocks at her ex

The b**ch, the vixen, the queen bee, and the shrew
What men have done to those five words, we never can undo
They're strong, working mothers--yes, they're just like me and you
Let's redefine the shrew, the b**ch, and vixen

And be like the seagulls
Roam free as the lynx
And cruise like the caribous if we choose
And not have to wait for those sly little winks
From some man who envies the sex life of minks
And not have to guess if he's one of the finks
And whether he drinks or whether he stinks
Or what he thinks...of me

Now of course, if Fate
Should put upon my plate
That quintessential male
I would stick like glue
Yes, I would be as true
As any beaver, owl, or whale

But 'till then I'll envy the oyster
Who lives a happy life on the shelf
When she wants a term
She releases some sperm
And fertilizes herself

The hare, the condor, the guppy, and the bream
They're all out there doing what humans only dream
Come march towards the future on my scientific team

For now that you've seen and can compare
Why, anyone with the will to bear
Can follow the tiger and the bear
And hamster and mole and me!


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## Kiwi_in_uk (May 25, 2009)

GIA

The things you are feeling are totally normal!  You defo won't forget the meds - it tends to be on your mind 24/7 during tx.  You made me laugh with the 'go out and shag a complete stranger' comment - that crossed my mind too!!!  But, I kinda dismissed it pretty quick.

With regards to time off work - that was a big worry for me, but somehow I managed to get mega early appointments and only came to work slightly late.  One day a 'plumber' came, another the dentist, another the doctor, then there was the weekend appointments (no issue).  You find a way.  

I defo agree with Sima about waiting until January - get your folic acid, and diet sorted, get your mind and body calm and relaxed so that you are emotionally ready for the journey.  

Then, once you are pregnant - get ready for a whole heap of new worries that you never imagined could be.  I have a list like yours for how I am today with worries and I can't calm down about it despite people saying nice calming things, so I can understand if my words don't help - its natural....

Kiwi


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Thanks Kiwi - I'm sure you're right that if I do get pregnant there will be a whole set of other worries.  

I do think that at least with a pregnancy there are more people to ask about it, although that probably won't stop me worrying   

Anyway, you take care of yourself  

GIA xx


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## BudgieSeed (Jan 22, 2009)

re the taking of meds and trying not to forget, I've made myself a checklist so I have to tick off every day each time I take the relevant medication.  I'd forget what I had and hadn't taken otherwise!

I took pregnacare plus for about 3 months prior to treatment, got a very good deal with 3 for 2 at boots, am still taking it every day now too.

good luck GIA! 

xx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Thanks BudgieSeed- that's a good idea and I do love excel so I'm sure I can up with a nice little spreadsheet/project plan!!

And the pregnacare is a good idea, thanks for the tip.  Take good care of yourself  
GIAxx


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## Paint in pink (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi GIA,
Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your post. I have my first appointment at the Lister next Friday and you summed up everything I am also feeling - even before the appointment lol! 

I think it takes a lot of courage to do this, and also to be honest about how you feel. Well done and thank you 

Pip xx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

PiP, you are so welcome!  It's always nice to know you are not alone in all this.  I can't tell you how many times I have read the responses to my post !!!

I am feeling scared, but I think that it is mostly about the fact that I am unemployed for the first time in my life and that is so horrible, effecting my confidence and everything.  But I will get another job and in the meantime carry on with this journey which most other people would think as being much more scary than unemployment!  

Well done you for making your first appointment.  Who are you seeing?  You never know we might end up cycling together!!    Let me know how you get on.



GIA xx


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