# Please May I Rant?



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We have our Celebration Hearing in a couple of weeks, we've invited all BB's aunts and uncles and close family and friends to the day then we're having a party tea in the evening too, with a cake and all, so that people who can't take the time off work can come later and still join in the celebrations.

DH's family hadn't replied to our invitation until today, it's only his sister and her family and his brother and his family on his side.  I had a reply today from his brother's wife to say they are very sorry they can't make the day as they are working (ok, that's kind of fair enough, although it's a big deal to us and my brother and his Mrs are taking the day off, as is my best friend and her husband).  Then she said 'we can't make it for tea either as the kids have dancing in the evening'....!!    The kids have a dance class and that is more important than my son, their cousin/nephew's celebration day?  Really?  

This is just the last in a long line of snubs, we haven't even been able to see any of them to hand over the kids Christmas presents yet even though we all live within 40 mins drive of each other! I'm so upset for DH, he's going to feel like it's a slap in the face


----------



## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

I think you've put your lo name in first line.


----------



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

I think you're entitled to be annoyed. It's so rude!


perhaps, and I'm not sticking up for them, they don't realise how significant the day is for you. 


many


----------



## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

My dh is one of 4. They are all married with grown up children. Only one out of the lot of them bothered to come.
.
In all honesty dh family have little interest in our kids lives, they never ring just to chat or to arrange to visit. We seem to always have to call or visit them until recently when we decided enough was enough. Dh refused to visit and after much moaning one of them visited. The others simply haven't bothered and we no longer care.

My family and our friends treat our kids like we've always had them and they don't miss out on anything. If people can't be bothered then the only ones who miss out are them


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks Loopy!  That's what I get for typing when mad.

To be fair, I even put a link to details about the Celebration Hearing and said it was a big deal, I know not everyone gets it but I am still fuming.


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Loopylou29 said:


> My dh is one of 4. They are all married with grown up children. Only one out of the lot of them bothered to come.
> .
> In all honesty dh family have little interest in our kids lives, they never ring just to chat or to arrange to visit. We seem to always have to call or visit them until recently when we decided enough was enough. Dh refused to visit and after much moaning one of them visited. The others simply haven't bothered and we no longer care.
> 
> My family and our friends treat our kids like we've always had them and they don't miss out on anything. If people can't be bothered then the only ones who miss out are them


This sounds so similar to our relationship with DH's family, except they have young kids that BB could have a good relationship with. He is so desperate to maintain a relationship with them but it's always him making the effort and I feel like we're flogging a dead horse, if they aren't interested you can't force them and I want people in our lives who genuinely want to be here, not who are only here because it's expected. My family and our friends are enough for me and they are so lovely with BB. xx


----------



## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Families can be strange 

I'm convinced part of the 'problem' for us is that the kids are adopted. On the few occasions dh family has seen the kids they've barely been acknowledged. Thanfully our los are not yet old enough to give this any thought but it won't be long before our eldest starts asking questions.

Dh family had a party and dh brother actually refused to hold our youngest child! I ended up outsidewith one lo in a pram and our eldest running around in the garden. Not one person came to speak with them. Neither child had gifts bought for them either on placement or following the celebration day.

Its just bizarre behaviour from people who are supposed to be adults. Dh and I have had to have several discussions surrounding his family but he did realise eventually that everything was one way.

Don't let it ruin your day. I'm sure you won't.


----------



## Jacobsmum (Feb 23, 2013)

Dear MummyAuntieKaty

firstly, I am not an adopter, so please feel free to ignore anything I say if it is in any way unhelpful. 

secondly - rant away! I would be incredibly cross/ upset in similar circumstances, I know. I am single, so have only my family to consider, or to consider me, but have noticed that families are weird about some things. And sometimes fall into habits that are hard to change.

It is not an excuse or justification for your DH's family's response, but one thing I have noticed in my own (caring, concerned, loving and generally supportive family) is that I had years of being the one without kids. People got very used to that. Years of being the one to fit in with everyone else's plans (also being single, so only ever one of me to fit around eg dates for family events/holiday plans etc). Years of being the one to ALWAYS pick up the phone first because they all have twice as many family to call (having partners), loads more to do (having kids) and no time at all.... Years of being thought of last, since I could most easily 'fit in', but also being expected to be 'available' to babysit anytime I am on holiday (both my sisters live too far away to babysit at the drop of a hat - one in France, one in Wales - or I bet I'd have been in the frame for that too!). Then things changed for me. But not so much for them, or at least not so quickly. One of my sisters has visited me (I also had a flat too small to accommodate all of them) since I had my LO and moved to a bigger flat. The other has not - I don't think she's being mean or hurtful, just incredibly thoughtless and sees it as easier for me to make the 325 mile trip to see her with an infant by train (min two changes)than for her to come and visit me. Her kids are also older now (16, 11 and 9) - so busy with school, choirs/ sports /clubs . I'm not saying it's the same -  I know it's not, and I also know that they would ALL attend a celebration day, if I ever had one (still at the thinking whether I could handle adoption phase). But if your DH's brother (and family) has never been that involved, they may not change, or at least not easily. Poor DH to have that kind of family - you deserve a rant. But don't let it get you down - your LO is worth more. If they don't see that - THEIR loss. Focus on the supports and family and friends you have who are going to be there. Don't rule them out of future events - the cousins especially, since they are unlikely to have made the decision to go to dance classes instead - but don't make your joy dependent on them changing.

Hope I haven't spoken out of turn. And Loopylou - your DH's family sound disturbed! How awful for you too.

Hope the day is everything you hope for.
All best wishes
Jacob's mum x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I am very mad for you mak!!!!!! 

I have come to the conclusion most people are self obsessed and because a celebration day hasn't been part of their lives they don't place value on it.  However this is totally unacceptable and I think if you want it is fine to tell them how out of order they are.  I also totally agree with the point about being the drive behind relationships.  I am curious to see how a number of our relationships will pan out once we can't drop everything and work round them due to our los. 

I really hope you have an amazing day and don't let these idiots take the shine away x x


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Jacobsmum, thank you, you speak a lot of sense and I really do sympathise with the points you make.  You don't have to have adopted to be let down by your family  

DIY, I am determined not to let this mar our day in any way but I was pondering how we go forward with his family, I take your point entirely, BB's cousins aren't responsible for the choices their parents make.  I have to remember to rise above the petty adults and consider the kids.

DH was upset when I told him but then he said 'f*** 'em'!!  Then we moved on to the 'but what have I done wrong' phase, who which my response was, 'why should you have done anything wrong, it's not you, it's them!'...   

Loopy, bloody hell!  People can be really sh*tty sometimes!!


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Well, DH's sister hasn't replied to our invitation at all!  Despite my email and a text to ask if she'd got it, plus she even text DH yesterday afternoon to ask us round for dinner that evening (that's typical, always last minute and we've usually already made plans) so he said we couldn't make it but has she seen my email and text about the Celebration hearing as it's really important to us... No reply!  If she's text him she must has seen my text but has completely ignored the invitation.  

I give up.  Why don't people realise the consequences of their selfishness?  I spend most of my time worrying that I've remembered all the dates I need to, events, milestones etc but it looks like I'm in a minority for sure!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Idiots, the world is full of selfish idiots and people like you who genuinely    care for others deserve much better


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Couldn't have said it better than Diva x


----------



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

V peeved for you MAK to say the least.
Fwiw I think if it were me at this point they are 'struck off' mentally. May not be your dh's position (who I really feel for) and I don't mean send them to Coventry or anything - they still get Xmas cards etc - but in my head and heart I would not make effort any more. I get too annoyed by others not returning the consideration!

No doubt when the day comes you will have a fabulous celebration with loved ones.
Gettina x


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I am feeling more than a little sad after a conversation with MIL about Bladelet's celebration hearing.  We had a very quiet day for Wyxling's because she just wouldn't have coped with the excitement back then, and we didn't want to rock the boat just a couple of weeks before Bladelet was placed.  We are planning a celebration for both children on the day of Bladelet's Celebration Hearing with meal and cake/drinks later on.  I'm only just writing proper invites, but because it's only a few weeks away we'd given the date to most family and asked if they'd be able to come.  MIL just told me, very coldly, as is her way with me at the moment, that only three people from hubby's family will be able to come, with various reasons such as his brother's girlfriend wants him to save his left over holiday to spend with her (she was also invited), through to a leaky roof and anyway it's a long way to do.  I tried to involve MIL, as generally she loves being asked for advice and I thought it might help start rebuilding our relationship, but she's just been "well, whatever, it's just a meal".  I am disappointed and upset.  Somewhat perversely, I'm even upset that his Gran isn't coming, and I never liked her at all, and only invited her because I felt obliged to because we invited my grandparents.

I'm going to send invites anyway, as I can't help but feeling that MIL may have really played it down and be behind some of the refusals, and perhaps a formal invite might make it seem more like a Christening or similar event and show people how important this is to us, and also to our children, in the long run for Bladelet and right now for Wyxling, to see that they were bothered.

My family are all coming though including all my surviving grandparents who are all elderly and will need to come a long way on public transport.  The friends we have invited should all be there too - even my friend who gave birth last month seven weeks early will be there if her son is allowed to come into contact with other children by then.  

Just grrrr.  I really do feel that this is much more about our relationship with hubby's parents now, and how incredibly childish and selfish they're being about how we've had to ask them to behave with Wyxling given her problems.  So unfair on the kids and hubby.

Grumble grumble.


----------



## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

No words just hugs. xxx


----------



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Blummin family wyxie. Being family doesn't make folk good people.
X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think there's something in MIL and kids that means they drive you potty! Hugs x x


----------



## lynsbee (Jun 21, 2013)

I really do feel for you hun, It is such a special day to be shared with all close to you which certainly should be family!
I know it's not quite the same, I am totally p**sed off with one of my Brothers. He is married and had an 18month old daughter and they haven't even met our DS yet!! Ok we should of met up the day after DS was placed but I was ill so we couldn't go but DS has been with us nearly a month now and NOTHING!!! It's the first time of my Brother becoming an Uncle and my SIL an Auntie and my Nieces first cousin! I think I have had one text since placement. 
I don't want anything from them, but when my niece was born I had put together a massive hamper in a lined wicker basket filled it with nappies, wipes, baby toiletries, vests, comforters, outfits, teething toys, bottle of sparkly the list is endless I was really proud of it and took a lot of time and money. I checked in with them to see how things were going, we went and visited and helped out. Just a card...anything to acknowledge that after 7 difficult heart-breaking years we finally have our family....is it me being selfish here??
sorry I didn't mean for that to turn into a rant....might be because I don't let on to family how much it actually hurts me really.

I hope you have a wonderful special day xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Oh Wyxie :-( I can't even conceive what that must feel like. HSDad's family ha become my own now. Even if they weren't they know that few excuses stand up to the fact that my own family is thousands of miles away. The guilt would keep them around even if nothing else did.

Some people lack perspective; I think your MiL needs it desperately.


----------

