# Help needed please



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi,I'm new to this posting but have been lurking around for a while, our background is tried for years to conceive then went down the ivf route but sadly none of this worked, this led us down the adoption route which leads us to where we r today!!! Lo has been with us only a week, 3 year old girl, even during intros I've been panicking, edgy, lost and feel completely disconnected for everything and everyone!!!!! She is not a difficult child, strong willed and determined but what 3 year old isn't!!! 

My problem I think started a few days into intros  when I realised I didn't love this child which the normal sane me knows this is ok but I'm panicking that what if I never love her, I like her the now but watching this little person in my house I feel like she's invaded it and find myself drawing back!!! I play with her and read but it all feels completely un natural which then sends me into a panicking spin thinking that life will never feel normal again!! Dh has been great I've told him how I feel and he agrees but copes differently from me he gets on with it plays more and completely throws himself in to it. When lo was in foster care it was the male she bonded with more and that is defiantly happened here as daddy is called for I'm called for but only if daddy's not there at that moment or he says no!!! I can honestly say I'm glad she's attached to him as when he gos back to work it will b me looking after her and didn't want him to b the stanger who came home at night!!

The other thing that has me panicking is that I have a neice the same age and have a great relationship with her and love her completely,she kisses cuddles and loves us as well (can't imaging our lo doing this and fc hasn't helped by saying she's not a cuddly kiddy child, which she isn't so far) my worry is that I will never come close to loving our child as much as her!! And if us having lo will effect that relationship  which make me so sad and teary!!! 
I go from hour to hour panicing, wanting to cry, run out the door!!! I'm not eating and hardly sleeping from worry!!

I feel like a terrible person airing all this as I know this poor limitless this is scared confused and lost at the moment and deserves Better than what I'm providing!! She was happy in her fc home and now I've done this to her!!! 

Please if anyone has experienced anything like this advice would me so gratefully recived. Xx


----------



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Rosie  
Haven't got much time to answer just now but wanted to reassure you that this is all completely NORMAL!!!  
Attachment takes a very long time to form, bonds develop more quickly...
I think men generally analyse things far less than women do so probably take things at face value x
Most important bit of advice I can give you is try to relax, be kind to yourself and fake it til you make it, whoops that's three pieces of advice!

You have had a relationship with your niece since birth, it's been allowed to develop naturally and you probably understand her quite well. LO is a stranger, she's probably not behaving in her normal way at the moment, she's got her guard up, she's frightened, anxious and frankly confused about what's going on....

It will all fall into place, hold onto that thought but also know it will take time, you don't need to be super mum! 

Xxxx


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Just a quick one from me but CS has given great advice. Dont put high expectations on yourself.  For me i was committed to LO from before meeting him but it was a good 4 months in where i felt i truly loved him.

My boy isnt/wasnt a cuddly boy but over time and trust on both our parts he has become so much more loving and definately likes touch and being with/close to me /us.  This is a complete contrast to his time in FC.

My mantra is "Adoption is a Marathon not a sprint" and the early days and weeks are very scary as you are strangers but give it time. Be honest with your SW as well as hubby that you are scared.  Try and meet other local adopters (even for a coffee after hubby's home) as most will all tell you what you are going through is normal.  How many mothers of BC have told you they felt the fear as soon as they left the hospital with that tiny human (most of my friends have been honest in saying it was hugely scary!).

You will get there just take baby steps and work on getting to know each other and lots of baby type games where eye contact and touch can come slowly and naturally (as that can be scary for both of you too).

x
x


----------



## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Oh Rosie massive  . Be kind to yourself, what you are going through is normal. This is such an overwhelming experience. I agree completely with Crazy Spaniel.You've had time to develop a bond with your niece since she was a baby. It will take time. My ds was the most independent little boy and I used to have to pretend to be a cat to get to kiss his cheek!  Now he is the most affectionate child that I know. But I did have to consciously drop a kiss on his cheek every time I passed his highchair to keep a touchiness going, if that makes sense? I found reading fabulous for bonding and how about nail painting and hand cream for your little girl? I'm sure others will be on later with much better ideas. I've been up all night with a poorly boy and my brain's not working sorry!   But don't panic, don't beat yourself up. My ds was very much for my dh at the beginning because he was doing all the fun things whereas I was doing all the practical things. You'll find the bond growing when your dh goes back to work. Leave the housework as much as you can and play silly games on the floor, cwtch up with reading books or sticker books. It all takes time and you will feel better I promise . Keep coming on here, you'll get such great support. You are NOT terrible xxx


----------



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

Thanks so much for ur replys!!! So good to know that what I'm  feeling is normal, was getting myself into such a state over this, just wish the horrible feeling would leave me and could feel a bit normal agan xx


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Oh Rosie just wanted to offer  . We haven't had lo placed yet but already I can see exactly where you're coming from and it worries me that I'lol be the exception where it doesn't happen. A week is absolutely no time at all and no matter how much you know your lives are going to change I don't think you'll ever really know until a lo arrives. Bp's have the luxury of a baby sleeping most the time to adjust to their lives (not to mention the fact a baby is totally portable!) you have a walking, talking little person whose presence is obvious. You have to negotiate your way round everything rather than just deciding to do something and picking up a baby and going. It's infinitely harder than having a baby. Don't force your feelings, just try and do things that you both enjoy and I'm sure the feelings will come over time.


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Oh and do something for you. I really felt if lost my identity so where poss do something that is completely you or you prechild x
Sorry I'm a bit rushed as poorly boy so lack of sleep and said boy sleeping on me


----------



## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi Rosie  

I had pretty much the exact same feelings as you. I still do on some days! It's so hard not to compare kids with one another, particularly those that you're really close to. I had a little sister that I looked after from birth for the first 3 years of her life and have babysat for my best friend's gorgeous kids for years too. Truthfully, I didn't like my own kids nearly as much and that terrified me! I was really scared I'd never have that mother-child bond and that I wouldn't be able to love my children enough. I worried that I'd rushed into things and gone with the 'wrong' kids    All these feelings made me feel so guilty and stressed, which just made everything seem worse. 

My DS attached to my DH first too (he would only say 'daddy' for the first weeks, not 'mummy'). He can also be very serious and doesn't have that childish innocence that most kids have. He doesn't giggle with glee like my sister did or friend's kids do and seems very unimpressed with things that would have completely overawed them. I found it SO difficult at first, as those little things (watching their faces light up with excitement/laughing at silly things) are some of the most exciting/fun aspects of being around little kids. 

Also, the first few weeks are hell because your life has just been turned upside down and everything you knew has changed. I'd had all these expectations of what family-life would be like, but they were like the perfect scenarios, not reality. That came as a shock.

Despite all that, 7 months in and I'm happy to say I love my little man SO much (and my little girl too, but my DS's story is more like your scenario as he's about the same age). He's a proper mummy's boy now too   There are still days when I panic a little (because the love is still growing and I know the attachment could still be stronger), but when I think back to the start, it's amazing to see how far we've all come  

Hang in there - it WILL get better. I decided to just fake it till I felt it and it's definitely worked. All the best xx


----------



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

Thankyou all soooo much I really needed to hear all this today, u have no idea how much this has helped and even settled me little!!! Still worrying but to read all your stories has truly helped, thankyou xx


----------



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Rosie I felt exactly the same, you're post, wow, it was like reading how I felt eight months ago. It's hard, it's painful, it's heartbreaking but it's ok yo feel this, to grieve your old life, to question it. Do not beat yourself up, it is about the child but it's also about you and don't forget that. Talk to people in your support network, your husband and on here, pm me anytime I've been there one thousand per cent. I am now proud to say I feel like a real mummy if that makes sense...for ages I felt like a fraud, like I was going thru the motions but honestly feeling nothing now I love him, I s mile more than I cry and my lo is settled, content and loving which he really wasn't in fc , we got thru it and you can and will. Hang in there, stay strong, massive hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

Thanks again for all ur replys it really dose help to know I'm not alone in feeling like this!!! Roonie that's exactly how I feel a fraud!!! And completey out of my depth, it's like not my life and I'm watching it and just on auto pilot!! Then thinking will u ever really love this child who deserves it!!! I seem to b more panicky in the mornings knowing I've got the full day ahead, I do settle to an extent in the later part of the afternoon!!! Lo is actually quite settled but defo attached more to daddy but was warned this would happen but dosnt really help when I'm being rejected!!! But again I'm greatfull she has some sort of bond with at least one of us!!! Sorry for rambling post very panicky and tearful the now xx


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Deep breaths, Rosie, it WILL get better.  What you're experiencing is perfectly normal.  I remember sobbing that I was ruining this perfect little boy because he was 'rejecting' me.  He wasn't - actually his acting up indicated that he felt safe and secure with me, but it's so hard not to take it personally.

I remember waking up many mornings thinking, "it would be so much easier if it was still just us and the cats...."

Keep faking it until you make it, keep talking about it, and ask SW for help if you need it.  You'll get there!

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Rosie

PLEASE DON'T PANIC! 

I was in exactly the same place that you are now 3 weeks ago as to how I felt with my oldest AS Stuffy. I posted here as I remember feeling so low and like you I experienced the frequent panic and my life felt alien and just plain surreal at times. 

As all else have already advised please don't be hard on yourself, as I've come to realise this is really pretty normal and in time it really does improve, honest! We're now nearly 8 weeks into placement and I still as yet couldn't put my hand on my heart and swear I truly love my eldest AS. You know what Rosie, I've come to realise that this is actually okay, it's okay to feel this way and it's okay to admit it to others too. 

Attachment is a long process and really doesn't happen overnight, in a few weeks or even a few months. It really can take a long time to feel truly close and bond with our LOs. Like the AoC even now I still have times when I wake up in the morning wishing that we had just stuck to getting another dog! It doesn't make me a bad mother or a horrible person. I'm just a new Mum, living with 2 boys who have suffered from trauma and neglect and all of us are just starting to learn about each other and to start to trust and even like one another. 

Some days I do really feel like I'm just going through the motions as roonie mentioned. I feel like I 'fake it' a lot too some days. But then there starts to be days and times when I see real connection, shared feelings and emotion. I now do genuinely have times when I really enjoy being with my eldest and other times that I'm able to look at him in wonderment and admiration for the strong and lovely little boy he really is. 

The best advice that I got here and from SWs was that it's okay to feel like this. You have to accept your feelings, when you do you will be able to move forward and I promise you after that moment it does start to become that little bit easier. I think we all put ourselves under enormous pressure to love these children istantly. The fact of the matter is that love takes time to grow and relationships take time to blossom. 

Hang on in there and keep talking!


----------



## Rosie12 (Nov 25, 2014)

Thanks to everyone u have kept me same!!! Weemoofrazz I have probably read ur original post on ur own thread a hundred times as it really did give me the reassurance that it was ok to feel like this and I wasn't the only person ever to!!! It's still really hard but I'm doing my best and that's all I can do, I find mornings the worst but by the afternoon I seem a bit less panicky!!! Lo is still pushing me away and prefers daddy to tend to her but I'm getting in and playing and helping when I can!!! Thanks again for all the replys they really do help!!! Xx


----------



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Rosie
Congratulations on becoming a mummy.
Biggest new job you'll ever have and achieved the hard way. You'd be unusual not to have some scared feelings!
Hope you are feeling ok today.
In one way it will definitely get easier as once you feel she has settled in to some degree you will be able to get out and about more, maybe joining a playgroup And going to soft play which breaks up the day no end.
I also panicked a bit in our early days as the day ahead was so long with just house based games to play and a walk to go on (which we did religiously to ensure we had a change of scene) and by necessity little contact with family or friends.  I was lucky as had a youngster who still napped and apart from minor chores I shamelessly relaxed during this time mostly! I don't know if your lg does. 
I couldn't change how the days felt but I did make a point of going out for a drink with a friend every couple of weeks in the evening to help stay sane - it might be nice to put something in your diary to look forward to just for you that won't impact on lo if she's a good sleeper?
Good luck.
Gettina x


----------

