# Shame around single motherhood with donor



## pattycake (May 28, 2012)

Does anyone else have feelings of shame and embarrassment (which I know are pointless and irrational) around going for it as a single mother with a donor?
I do.
I can't get my head around it and it feels like I need to if it's going to be a decision that I live with, hopefully for the rest of my life, if I go ahead with treatment.
It would be nice to hear from anyone who feels the same, and if anyone has experience of getting on the other side of it.

Pxxx


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## Mel D (Jan 18, 2013)

There are plenty of us single ladies on here doing just that with known or unknown donors primarily because we didn't find the right man yet and not as the media likes to portray because we were pursuing careers. I think you have to do in life what makes you happy. There are also plenty of ladies who went down the conventional route then split acrimoniously from their partners after children were born and may wish they had gone down this route in retrospect.  I see no shame in it whatsoever. It's only other people's perceptions of what 'normal' is supposed to be and it will only become more common as it is so difficult to meet people and form lasting relationships in this busy world. Internet dating is commonplace now whereas there was a taboo around this five or ten years ago, coparenting websites are springing up more and more and lots of women have found themselves alone with a loud clock ticking and have to take the plunge or live with the regret. Forget what other people think or what you think they think and go out there and do what's right for you.
X


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## pattycake (May 28, 2012)

Great answer and I agree with you 100%.  It's just a feeling I have, very personal, I would never feel like that regarding anyone else.  It is difficult to explain.  I wish I could just not care about what other people thought but I have never been able not to.  I wonder if anyone else can relate to me and if they found a way of getting through it some how?


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Pattycake
At first I was a bit embarrassed but now I think what the hell and love to see the look on peoples faces when , they ask about the dad, then I say its my Danish toy boy.  I later say my boys are IVF so they realise then but I do enjoy having a bit of fun .  I'm surprised how many ask outright and as I intend to be open with my boys I'm open with everyone.  They either accept it or not: I don't want my boys to grow up thinking its shameful and if I'm open from the start then its not some shameful little secret rather its no big deal.  

Incidently I have had a fair few people,  when moaning about differences in parenting approaches,  how its will be easier in some ways as there will be not that problem for my boys.

If you dwell too much on what others might think you could miss out on your dream:  
TCC x


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## pattycake (May 28, 2012)

Hahahah that is a brilliant answer!!


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

I can't fully remember what I felt at first, but now I have my little boy I only feel immense pride and joy. Oh and tired... Very tired!
Good luck on your journey   I've been blown away by how positive people have been about me being a solo mum. Midwives and docs especially (there are always a few exceptions but that's fine).  
Txx


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I have had a few judgemental negative reactions when I've told people about my plans but the majority of people have been supportive.

I have battled with my own guilt over my decision. This was especially so when I was trying to decide between using a co-parent and donor sperm. In the end I felt it was fairer to at least TRY to give my child a real father and so opted for a co-parent. I chose that initially bc I felt that was what was best for my child but I'm glad it didn't work out bc I'm much more comfortable using a donor and being solely responsible for the decisions involving my child. Bit I think I would have felt a lot of guilt if I'd chosen a donor initially.

I also felt bad and guilty immediately before and after my first IUI as I worried my child would resent me for giving them a proper dad!

One thing I've never felt though is shame. I never wanted to be a single parent and waited until I was 37.5 before trying to get pregnant without a partner. I feel I had no option but to go it alone - it was either that or nothing! I have a feeling ill meet someone much later in life - long after my fertile years have passed!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi patti, I am not sure I feel 'shame' exactly but it's annoying feeling the need to explain or justify my decisions to others.
I'm sure those other people don't expect as much of an explanation as I somehow feel compelled to give in some situations. Having a partner who is also my son's bio dad would be a much more straightforward situation, but it's not a situation I can chose to be in.
Remember no family is without its secrets, complications, dramas, personality clashes and problems - being a single woman is no more shameful than a bunch of other scenarios!

I love the 'Danish toy boy' response by the way, TCC!
Will have to think of something similar 

I think my biggest annoyance recently was a friend (married with a 'conventional' baby) who called me 'naive' for expecting more from my supposed co-parent. Those issues are very much misunderstood by the general public and as a single mum you may need to educate people more than you would otherwise have to. No shame in that, just a lot of talking!x


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## pattycake (May 28, 2012)

I would want to be open with my (would be) child as well.....it's the conversations/explanations that are always going to pop up on the train, in the bank, in the weirdest places and with people who would not share any other personal information with, but I need to get comfortable with disclosing something that feels so private.....I feel strange about that.  And almost like a stigma when I doing it without a partner-as if it indicates that I'm not lovable or something.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi patty, I think this sort of info isn't really relevant to strangers on a train etc.
Won't they be happy for you to just say 'I'm a single mum' and leave it at that? The rest of yor story can be left by saying 'it's complicated' to a time when you know the person better and where it may be relevant to them.
I think that most of this info regarding my son isn't a secret, but it's private.
Say you suffered from cancer, or won the lottery: not a secret, but private and to be shared only when relevant.
Also it's your child's story to share when They're older, not just yours... You will learn to gauge what is appropriate when. 
For example, in my pregnancy notes it said clearly that M was conceived via Ivf and donor, but when my partner came to a scan with me two doctors commented on his size and said 'daddy is tall too' - I just left it at that because it wasn't relevant or medically necessary to remind them of the actual facts.
X


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

pattycake   
re the conversations/explanations - I have found that as the boys have got older, it's simply not something which really comes up in conversation much at all any more
if it does come up (eg new hairdresser, meeting a new mum at the childminders or something), I just say I'm a single parent and no-one questions it. the boys know that 'we don't have a daddy in our family' and are happy to say so - it's just something they (at 3.5) accept as the way things are
I don't hide the donor conception side of things but nor do I volunteer it in 'random' conversations. 
Yes, it does come up occasionally - eg when one of mine had excema and the doctor asked me if I had a history of allergies - I just said they are double donor conceived so my medical history isn't relevant. GP didn't bat an eyelid...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that once the baby is here, and definitely once they are getting older, the donor conception part of things tends to be a lot less significant and daily life is more about just getting on with being a mum   
best of luck to you - perhaps a few counselling sessions might help you with your feelings of shame/embarrassment? counselling definitely helped me with various issues along the ttc journey   
x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Pattycake, if you feel shame and / or embarrassment about going it alone, then maybe it just isn't right for you.  I honestly don't mean this in a harsh way, but just because someone else might have managed to get their head around the idea, it doesn't necessarily mean that you can, will, or even should.  I have a number of single friends who, though they would have loved to have kids, decided that doing it on their own wasn't for them.  I think that some times, it is easy to proselytise about the merits of going it alone, particularly for someone like me who made the conscious decision to go down this path many years ago and now has three children.  But only you walk in your shoes, only you will wear the responsibility of having a child in a somewhat unconventional manner, and only you would face the consequences if this really is a decision you would have preferred not to have made.  Maybe it would help if you could meet someone - or several someones - who have already taken the plunge?  Not sure where you are based, but a group of SMCs are meeting up in Banbury in early November if this might be somewhere within reach for you.    


A-Mx


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## pattycake (May 28, 2012)

Thx all.
Suitcase tried to message you but your inbox is full.

Thx Broody Chick, really get what you are saying.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

PM'd you my email address pattycake - feel free to email me   
Suitcase
x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Not much to add cos everybody summed it up perfectly already  nobody really WANTS to be a single mother but sometimes life doesn't go the way you want and this is your only option for NOW, who knows what the future holds, and tbh nobody bats an eyelid at single mothers these days sheesh the 50's are over thank god 

Yes Pattycake maybe counselling will figure out if this road is for you or not, am sure you don't want to project these negative feelings onto your child if you haven't already dealt with donor issues etc prior to starting treatment, it really wouldn't be fair. All the very best to you


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## even (Apr 15, 2012)

this is a brilliant question, thanks for posting it.  If I'm honest (I don't have kids yet but am ttc) the issue of shame has crossed my mind, I mean the fact that people will try and put it on me.  It's because the pressure from society to conform is so strong, which isn't always a bad thing, there are plenty of people who would behave more anti-socially if they knew that people would judge them less.  But obviously on and issue like this, it's a really bad thing.  But things are getting better in terms of acceptability, although I do foresee a backlash.......what I mean is that as long as we're a small minority, society won't mind being more liberal and us becoming more accepted, but I think once it gets past a certain proportion, a lot of men (and some women) will start to feel that a man's role in life is being threatened and that's when there could be a backlash, people already mention that argument now.  What those people need to focus on is that the vast majority of us are not "single mums by choice" as so many people like to erroneously call us.
But enough of all that burble, the most important thing is the effect on the kids, some people may try to shame their background, but the kids are more likely to repel that if we don't act with shame about their origins, which can be hard to do when there is so much pressure.  Where I live is a small, backwards town, it's not the same as raising children in a large place where different views get aired.
Society has a way to go on this, cos it's still less "shameful" to get knocked up by someone you know or don't know but never intend to be in your child's life, and the HEALTH arguments against this are accidental incest and lack of genetic knowledge in case of illness.  These can cause actual physical harm to a child (and can actually create children that will by subject to physical harm all their lives, in the case of accident incest).  But that's still more acceptable, as is the other consequence (denying men the right to parent their own children on a daily basis) than single women having a planned pregnancy.  Rant over (for now  )


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Maybe I'm an outlier, but having commenced tx in 2003 and now with an 8 1/2 year old son conceived with DS and two daughters (4 & 2) conceived with DE and DS, I have only once been confronted with a negative comment about the decision I made to create a donor conceived family on my own.  We live in a semi-rural community and are completely open about my choices and the origins of my kids - my neighbours, the kids' school and nursery teachers and all my friends as well as my work colleagues are aware of this fact about our family.  Joe Public may leave a nasty (and virtually always anonymous) comment in the comments section of a DM article, but very rarely will it be put directly to someone's face.  My son has now entered year 4 at a very traditional school - he tells me he has never suffered any taunts or bullying because of his family status.  This is only our experience of course, so cannot be representative of every SMC's experience, but it is an experience that dates back 11 years now.  It is surely not a choice that the majority of individuals in our society would choose with respect to their own family creation (and that's fine - people need to choose what they are comfortable with), and I'm sure there is a level of social opprobrium out there, but it has not to date impacted on the lives of my family.  One more thing - although there are many SMCs who chose to go it alone as Plan B, not Plan A, there are also many (like me) who chose to do so as their Plan A.  Around 18 months - 2 years ago there was a very long thread on the singles TTC board where this was discussed, and a wide array of singles weighed in on both sides of the coin.  If I get a chance, I will hunt back and edit this post with the link.  There is a very good book available called "Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice" - and perhaps that sums things up better than the SMC moniker.


A-Mx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Indekiwi you sum things up so well.  I'm totally open with people if I show no.shame then my boys hopefully will not as your children clearly don't.
TCC x


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## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

couple of weeks after the conversation on this thread .... but I think for me, I had to get my head around how I was going to support the child to not know who his/her dad was.... so conversations at school, when they have to draw the family tree as part of a lesson etc... when people say wow - who did you get your hair colour / eye colour / height from or whatever....  Yes there are books, and I can explain it... but would that be enough that I'm bringing a child into the world without a dad....

My turning point (and I didn't go down the IVF route until I had sorted it out in my own mind)..... speaking to other women who had done the solo route about their experience, reading blogs from people, understanding the law around donor conception, and realising how much emotional support I would get from friends - as I started talking about wanting IVF with a donor - there really was no prejudice or negativity.  The people I got negative vibes from - I realised that they are not necessarily right!!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I see you're going ahead. Good for you! Personally, I feel no shame whatsoever - it's either this way or nothing, it's not like it was my first choice - I've spent 20 odd years trying to find a Daddy! I sometimes worry about the effect being donor conceived will have on a child but shame? No!

Best of luck with everything x


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