# Here goes...Im new and Im terrified....



## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi everyone,

I have not even started typing this and Im already in tears ... again! 
Im feeling pretty sorry for myself and am struggling to keep myself together.
In the space of a year I have gone from "just married and yay lets have a baby" to "not even a sniff of a BFP and Im feeling like I have left it too late" (FSH of 20 and an AMH of 3.4) and facing IVF. Im 37 but am feeling like Im 57 at the moment!
My hubby is 29 with "excellent" sperm parameters so it just me messing it up.
I live in the Channel Islands so have to go private for IVF and fly to Bourn hall at the last moment.
We have made the decision to not tell a soul about this including our families - this is a small island and everyone will end up knowing and I really dont want to be the topic of gossip or an object of pity. 
Thats why Ive joined - to talk to someone. This is going to be a scary isolating journey and Im freaking out.
I really hope you can all give me some advise about how to get through this in one piece and any tips will be gratefully accepted!

Thanks,
MrsMe


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

MrsMe and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Oh hun     You talk away, there's always someone who'll lend an ear, and we are all/have been through the journey to reach our dream. So we all understand each other. Its a fab site and you'll find it a godsend i'm sure x 

Please have a look around and start posting around the boards and making friends. FF is a wonderfully supportive community and you can only get the best out of it if you start posting and joining in so, please do so. Here are some links you might find helpful at the moment&#8230;.

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE  Not sure if this would interest you, but might be worth a read?

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

While undergoing treatment, you might find it useful to join other ladies having treatment at the same time. The Cycle Buddies threads are just for that. You will fnd a thread, usually with a funny/inspiring name for this year's buddies. Just pop along to the appropriate month and say "Hi" when you are ready to start treatment.

*Cycle buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

*2WW, Ladies in Waiting ~ *CLICK HERE

*Keep a diary of your treatment ~ * 
CLICK HERE
Some ladies find this therapeutic, offloading motions and generally describing how they feel treatment is going, have a peek at a couple of them

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area: (A great way to meet other members)

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!
I see you have posted on the Jersey locations board, good on you. We like to see new members getting stuck in! Here is the Bourne Hall thread .... Click here

Wishing you lots of luck    and 

Ceri xx


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## Shortiesmith (Oct 31, 2008)

Hey MrsMe! Welcome to FF. Its a great place to say what you feel to others who genuinely understand. Sorry you've got to go down the IVF route, but you are certainly not alone. Bourn Hall in an excellent clinic and I'm sure if you post on the thread the ladies will fill you in. Wishing you all the luck in the work for your cycle and I hope you get the support you need from us all here.


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## Bev.V (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi MrsMe, I've just joined too and am at Bourn - there's a Bourn thread somewhere here so I'm going to link up to that - they are fab there, and the place is so serene and beautiful, the nurses and consultants are lovely too if that helps at all!


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## snozyrozy (Jul 27, 2009)

Hi MrsMe,

Just wanted to say welcome to FF. I am sure you will get all the help and support you need and good luck with your treatment.   

snozyrozy xx

PS I had my hen weekend in Jersey a few years ago - what a fabulous and beautiful place to live altho I understand what you mean about it being a small place   !!


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## dolphindolphin (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi MrsMe

I am so sorry to read what you have gone through.  I know how it feels because I have been through it all these past 10+ years.

It is difficult but like us, you have to keep trying, praying that the day will come for us to be parents.

x


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi everyone,

Thanks for being so nice!
I have read a bit and it seems that some of you have had it much harder than me and have been dealing with all this for alot longer too so I feel like I should not be getting so upset. But then, if I feel this way then those ladies who have been through so much must be really suffering! Or perhaps Im getting over stressed about it - "making a mountain out of a mole hill" my Dad used to say!
We just saw the consultant today to sign all the consent forms and he said that "very few" ladies have unplesant side effects of the meds - Im clinging to that as after what I have read I have been wondering how it is possible to function effectively during your cycle!
Im really freaking out about the injections - the pen is one thing but having to mix up cetrotide and Luveris etc - argh! The Dr said he will start me on 375IU of Gonal F and they showed me the pen and it looked like gallons squirting out of the needle!!! 
The needle nightmares started last night... The nurse assures me that the worst bit is thinking about having to do it but Im not sure. Guess I shall have to wait and see.. 

MrsMe


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## GJT (Aug 20, 2009)

Hi MrsMe.. 

Sorry to hear your news..    Know how you feel - we've been trying for 3 years with no joy.. But need to stay positive   ..

Hope you're feeling a wee bit better   

G x


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## snozyrozy (Jul 27, 2009)

Hi MrsMe,

I had a complete needle phobia prior to starting ivf but now I'm fine with it. After you've done it a couple of times and got used to the mixing you will be ok I'm sure.


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi G - I feel better some days and completely hopeless other days but I guess that will happen. I feel for you even though Ive not even been TTC for a year. It is hard to stay positive (God knows I am trying) as I dont want to be let down if things dont work out! I just cant contemplate a future without having a child, it just seems pretty pointless to me. I do love my moggy but I dont want to end up one of those strange old dears living alone with 30 cats who people pity and kids make fun of!

Hi snozyrozy - Thanks, Your experiences with needles are pretty ressuring so I hope the thought of it all is the worst bit! I just found out from the nurse that there will be "2 large carrier bags" of drugs waiting for me at pharmacy!!! OMG!!!


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

i too have nightmares about being an old lady cat lover who smells of wee.............................strange the things that go through our minds at such a stressful time

me & my partner have been trying for nearly 3 years - 5 months on clomid now & no joy. Just had a lap op and waiting to see if i can ovulate myself this month (it's day 16 - no sign of ovulation & i'm not feeling very positive). One more month of this and then i'm moving onto ivf which scares me silly.

Somedays i just think what the hell is the point of my life if i can't be a mummy (yesterday). then otherdays i feel fine (today). Lifes a rollercoaster - you've just got to keep holding on  

look after yourself
shelly
x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi Shelly

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!! lol

We all feel totally lost and devastated when we find out we have fertility issues, you ask anyone on here, counting me!  Dont worry about what other people have and havn't been through everyones lives are different.  

We were in the same boat.  Newly wed trying for about a yr and nothing happened, totally devastated.  But your mind goes through a king of journey with it all.  You first have to addapt your mind as you suddenly realise that having a baby is not going to be the easiest journey, that i think is one of the hardest things to except.  Have you been for fertility testing you must have had some to know about sperm quality etc, we had about a yr of testing that was also hard.  But as time goes on you do except what your facing and learn to cope better.

I have spent a yr worrying about starting icsi and from the moment i started it, its not been that bad lol.  I think you end up going with the flow a bit, you kind of have no choice.

I have lived in Guernsey so can app how small Jersey is, but really think hard at that fact that you will need quite a bit of emotional support.  So may be wise to confind in a select about of people.

I can promise that things will get better for you and that things start to feel less intense. x x


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## Lentil (Jun 3, 2008)

MrsMe - 1000's of women undergo IVF every day throughout the world. Its not as bad as some would have you believe, trust me i am about to do it a 4th time to get my BFP. 

Just look at it as a wonderful chance to get your dream come true and *stop panicking * because there really is nothing to worry about. The jabs arent bad (in fact I quite missed the attention from DH who used to help by mixing the powder and liquid for me), EC is a doddle as you are sedated or asleep normally and so dont feel anything (you may get period pains and bloating for a day or 2 after but thats nothing) and ET is normally a breeze too.

I am sure that your desire to have a baby will largely outweigh any minor discomforts and hey......when we are with our babies in the near    future all this will seem well worth it.

CHILL now and enjoy the exciting start of your tx.
Lxxxxxxxx


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## manxgirl (Apr 23, 2009)

Hello MrsMe.

I know where you are coming from on the alone and journey side of things. Im from the Isle of Man and we have to travel to Leeds for our IVF. We have told our families and no one else as like you said the whole island would know in one day! its been difficult doing it alone and traveling alot but bringing home comforts with us has helped me!

This website has been fantastic for me. A place to meet ladies in the same situation as me and have given me an immense amount of support! I hope you recieve the same from FF.

Im sorry to hear you are feeling        for you.

I hope your journey is a sucessful one babe.


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi Manxgirl - Im just too chicken to tell anyone just in case the worst happens. My family live on the other side of the world and I know they would just worry. DH's family live here but Im convinced that they would be thinking that all this was my fault and I was putting their son and brother through all of this grief and angst - if he had just married someone younger and more fertile...............  Cant do it - maybe in the future, but not now.
I hope I will get as much support from FF as you have. Good luck with your journey..xxx

Hi Lentil - I am trying to look at this as having far better chances of success than what we have been doing for the last year - I think I overdosed on BMS!
I have told DH that when I get comfortable with the jabs I will let him have a crack at it. The thought of letting him loose with needles when Im still freaking about them is not good! As for EC - I didnt want to just have a local but then I dont fancy a GA if I can help it. I hope the offer sedation at Bourne as I think that sounds the best. Have you had sedation for EC before? Do you remember anything?

Hi Shelly - I was gonna say ...and smells like wee ...Im please you did!  The rollercoaster thing certainly happens - some days I spend most of the day at work trying not to cry and other days it doesnt even enter my head - and thats before my first round of IVF has even started. Im beginning to struggle with friends with babies - I didnt notice before that babies is ALL they actually talk about - Im sure we used to talk about other stuff - I just cants seem to shift them to another topic.. 
Im sending you lots of positive energy for you and your ovaries    good luck!!!!!!!!!


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## Lentil (Jun 3, 2008)

Mrsme - You sound calmer already!   I had sedation all three times but I thought it was GA because I knew zilch about it all! They will do whats right for you - try to not worry as you need tobe as chilled as possible for the best outcome.
L
xxx


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## snozyrozy (Jul 27, 2009)

MrsMe - I also had sedation each time and didnt remember anything at all. The first time I was very anxious so they also gave me a pre-med.


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi Lentil and snozyrozy!

That sounds exactly what I want! 

I dont want a GA if I can help it and after a HIDEOUS colposcopy and Cx biopsy a few years ago I REALLY dont want to go through a local only type scenario which left me wide awake, in pain and fully able to enjoy the TV showing the video of what was happening to my cervix (blood, smoke etc). 

I wonder if different clinics use different sedation? Im going to Bourne. Where were you both? Do you know what your sedatives were called?

Thanks,

Joanne


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## snozyrozy (Jul 27, 2009)

I was in Manchester but no idea what the sedation was called sorry. Sometimes I think the less you know beforehand the better anyway, you just have to put your trust in the doctors


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi MrsMe

Been following how your doing and just want to say i totally agree with Snozyrozy.  I am nearing the end of my first icsi cycle and can honestly say that i have just gone with the flow.  My names nurse explained what was going to happen, but you really do not know until you have experienced it.  I put 100% trust in our clinic and generally believe they have our best interests at heart.  I have actually tryed really hard not to get to court up in it all as i think it could get very obsessive, esp for me as im an obsessive person  .  

The whole ivf thing is difficult but i know that if i have to go through it again i will not be half as bothered by it all, as it is not that bad.

The one thing i would say is sort your stresses out.  Look at your life and try and reduce the stresses that you have control over, even if they are nothing to do with ivf.  I was a dep manager of a care home, which was stressful and very demanding, i decided to step down and am now a support worker, its totally great i am loving it.  I also worked lots of extra hours in June and July that i was able to take back in Sep.  So working reduced hours, doing all this has really enabled me to cope with things a lot better.  I also know that no matter the outcome i will never have any regrets. xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Bev.V (Sep 23, 2009)

Agree totally with Coweyes and Snozyrozy - I followed all my instructions to the letter, cut down on the stresses (which included family ones!) and put a fair amount of faith in the docs and nurses - I was TERRIFIED, I think they thought they had an easy one with me because I was so frightened I could hardly say a word most of the time!  But they were great, nurses held my hand, consultants explained everything really well and I felt looked after, which was more than I could say for when I had a lap & dye on the NHS!  And I'm back for more....

I had sedation at Bourn by the way so I would recommend it if you don't want a GA

  to you Coweyes by the way, keep being positive, I think it really makes a difference 

Bev


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi Cowseyes, snozyrozy and Bev.V

I am def trying to cut down stress at the moment but its all pretty good especially since I finished my exams a while back and it has felt like total plain sailing since the dreaded studying was over with.
Im afraid I work in the medical side of things at the hospital and I kinda need to know whats happening - I feel really anxious if Im kept in dark about tests, procedures etc. I feel much more comfortable knowing excatly whats happening and what I can expect. I have decided that a good way for me (and DH) to approach this is like it is a project. To dwell too much on the emotional side of it and what we will do if it does not work or if stuff goes wrong is just not right for me and I would spent the entire cycle in a tatty snotty soggy heap (which will be difficult to explain as we have told no one!).

I will certainly trust Bourne to do the right thing by me as it is pretty clear from what others on FF have said that they have all been really happy with their experiences there. 

Im not an optomist  either - I verge on pessimism with things as I hate to be dissapointed! But I am trying to aim toward being realistic about all of this and not think about negative stuff. DH says Im doing pretty well so far and he is always pointing out when I am being negative so I trust what he says.

I pick up my "large shopping bag" of goodies from pharmacy tomorrow  That will make it start to be a bit more real..the count down ticker just got a bit louder!

I have had people mention wheat grass pill as a useful help for reducing your FSH. What are your experiences with this? Are you supposed to take it along with all your other jabs or before you start them? 

I am really thankful that I have found FF and that you have all been really kind, helpful and generous with your positive vibes as I really dont know where I would get this level of support otherwise since we chose to keep this a secret. Thanks all soooooooooooooo much!! 

MrsMe..x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi Mrsme

I struggle a bit with the positive thinking, dont get me wrong im a positive person but i struggle when people talk about "when you get your bfp". Or enjoy the quietness while you can!  I am also not interested in positive visualisation.  I much prefer to take one step at a time and remember its part of my life and not the whole of it.  I am as from today on my 2ww,  i will take it a day at a time and will avoid pre emptying the results.

I go to Bristol for fer testing and have been more than happy with the  treatment we have received they are a fab clinic and i can not think of anything negative to say about them.  Good luck with everything


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## 478emma (Sep 17, 2009)

Hi all, sorry to butt in.  I just wanted to wish you all the very very best of luck.  I too am going through my first go Mrsme and it is so very terrifying.

I had my call today re embies and have two fert'd, going in tomorrow to have (hopefully) both popped back.

Fingers and toes crossed for all of you and hope to hear good news very soon. 


Em.  
xx


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## Zaffa (Sep 22, 2009)

Hi Emma,

Feel fee to butt in  and thanks sooo much for the good luck - every little bit helps.

Hopefully you will have both embies on board now so I guess it'll be your 2ww?   

Keep us posted as to how you are doing!

MrsMe


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