# BlueStar's adoption Diary



## BlueStar

New beginnings.
DH and I have finally made the decision to try to adopt. We can't wait.  Phoned the SW middle of March, and we attended an information evening 21st March.  Sent the application last week and we're now awaiting an inital visit from the Social Worker.  We're discussing stuff and I am very prematurely worring about things around the house which aren't child proof.  But we've got plenty of time for this, the social worker needs to get know us first and hopefully our application can proceed.
We decided to adopt after three failed attempts at IVF - ICSI. We both decided that we want to be parents and spending so much time trying to become pregnant when there's many children in care who need parents.
So a new journey for us, can't wait.     xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck on your journey honey we're not that far ahead Of you we have our prep course in may. 

Good luck
Hugs 
Emma xxxx


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## BlueStar

Thanks Emma1605, good luck to you and DH too x Sending you   and a bubble!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi BlueStar!

We seem to be at the same stage, ie, the beginning! Haha! Hope we can go through this exciting journey together. Congrats on starting out on the A road   xxxx


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## BlueStar

Thanks x-Lolly-x hope all goes well for you too x   We both are at the beginning of a new journey


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## KJB1978

Good Luck with your journey


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## BlueStar

Thanks KJB1978 good luck to you too.


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## BlueStar

Nothing much further to report since I last wrote.  I haven't been going out as much, as I said to DH I wanted to start saving our money for some new furniture.  But I've been getting a bit tetchy with people at work, it's the busiest time of the year for us and I wonder if it's that coupled with me trying to prepare our home along with cutting back and saving which has made me a little irratible.  I said to DH I wanted to be easy going with the adoption, and I don't mind if it's a couple of months or more in between appointments - but it is still at the back of my mind. Maybe I'm just overthinking. I don't think about it all the time.  I think I need to chill out.  'Keep calm and carry on' - socialising.


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## flickJ

It's all very stressful, all the waiting around and the uncertainty   Like you all I can think of is getting the house in order and saving some money. DH is always telling my not to over think things and stop worrying, what will be will be.

Relax and have a good weekend


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## BlueStar

Thanks flickJ, it means a lot.

I've relaxed, gone out and met up with a couple of friends.  Always good to get things in perspective again.  I'm such a worrier!


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## Smudgey

Hi Blue star ! We are at the same stage , we got forst SW visit Thursday eeeek ! So will let you know what happens ! I am trying to chill out too as the next course is in June but we can't go on it as we are abroad on holiday ..... grrr! So we will have to wait till Nov for the next one , but we are trying to look on it as a positive that we can enjoy a social summer and get some saving done ready for  next step  ! 

Good luck !, x x


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## BlueStar

Hi Smudgey, we are both at the same stage!    Since I last posted, DH received a telphone call from the social worker, and we just had our intial meeting with the social worker today.  The meeting went for four hours, we couldn't believe the time when the SW left.  It was really good, and I feel upbeat and positive about it all.  We're not perfect parents but I think we're good enough parents.  The lady is going to write up the report and email it to us in a couple of days, we'll check it to see if there should be any amendments or anything which doesn't sound quite right, then she'll meet up with the group on the 8th May to decide if they wish to proceed with our application.  If they do, then we have prep group and then homestudy.     
It's good to save some money up, to socialise and have a relaxing holiday as it puts life in perspective.  We have a plan to pay off our credit card by the end of the year and save up as much as we possibly can over the next year.  We still want to go out and have fun, it's all about getting the right balance.  We both feel so happy and positive after today's meeting as we feel like we have a lot to offer and have an understanding of the children which are in care.
We went through our family background, lifestyle, previous relationships, the present relationship, interests and hobbies, support networks, health and fitness.  We also went through our net income and our outgoings.  We also showed and provided copies of our identity documents and showed the lady round our home.
Roll on the 8th May!


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## Smudgey

Sounds really promising blue star , we had our meeting today too but ours was much shorter and she will let us know tomorrow , no report or anything !? Am worried now ! 
She asked similar things etc , but I suppose they are all different are you with agency or La ? X x


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## BlueStar

Don't worry Smudgey, it will be fine.  It must be because we're using different LA's. It's nice they get back to you so quick to let you know.  We hear if it went through on the 8th May, which is only tuesday week.


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## flickJ

Best of luck to both of you   

We are hoping to go through a VA, and the process is nearly the same as you are going through. Had the initial meeting at the office when they went through all the details of our lifestyle, background etc. and then the report was typed up and passed  to the Manager for approval. It brought up a couple of points that need dealing with before they can carry on, (more info needed from my specialist  concerning my illness and concern about the dogs) 

I am sure you will have nothing to worry about and will soon be on your way


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## BlueStar

Good Luck to both of you too flickJ


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## BlueStar

Our SW finished the report and emailed it to us today, overall it read well, a few factual things incorrect which we emailed the SW about and she will make the necessary amendments.  She is going to present it to the initial meeting group by the end of the week and then it will be presented to a group on the 9th May.  So roll on the 9th May! We've got our fingers, legs and toes crossed x  
If we are successful then onwards to the preparation course and home study!


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## BlueStar

Under recommendation by our Social worker, we've bought 'what every parent should know' by Margot Sunderland.  Since our inital visit, I never thought I would see myself looking at our adoption policy at work, childcare in the area and looking at the child tax credits on the online calculator.  Since the IVF I built up a kind of immunity to this sort of stuff.  Having children in my life, is going round to see my friend's children or going round to see my niece's children (my nieces are similar age to me).  Some people after failed IVF don't want anything to do with children, in my opinion, children enrich our lives in whatever way they are in lives.  Even if I didn't have relations or friends with children, I would sponsor a charity or volunteer somewhere just to be a part of that in my own way.  We've both been talking a lot about stuff since the initial meeting, and I hope we can move to the next stage soon.  Roll on the 9th May hey!


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## flickJ

Not long now Bluestar    I hope everything goes well as you seem like the perfect parents.


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## BlueStar

Aw thanks flickJ   xxx


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## flickJ

Good luck tommorrow   hope it all goes well


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## BlueStar

Thank's flickJ! xxx  
We're


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## Maccer

Hi Bluestar, 


Just read your diary and wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow, I am sure you will be fine.   


Maccer x


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## BlueStar

Thanks Maccer for your message. x
I just wanted to cry with joy this afternoon, when the SW phoned me at work and told us we're through to the next stage! 
 
Only my manager at work knows at the moment we want to keep it under wraps just in case it doesn't work out. I am constantly   
DH is so   and we both can't wait to move forward.  
We're going to a prep course end of June and then we've got homestudy so I'm assuming, the homestudy will take us up until the end of the year, if not by march 2013 possibly. I suppose the length of the homestudy can depend on our circumstances.


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## BlueStar

Got our letter yesterday confirming the LA wants to proceed with our application.  We're in the process of filling the next form, and asking people to be our references.  We haven't got anything to hide, but when you put people's names down for references and giving your employer's details, this bit always put a small element of doubt in your mind - but I'm sure it will be fine.
We've got to get the forms completed along with passport photos asap so we can go on the prep course end of June. Isn't it always the case, when you need passport photos, you've got a massive spot on your face!  I'm talking about myself of course! Having an influx of spots at the wrong time, anyway it's a small thing to worry about if I'm just worrying about my spots!   
Am planning to buy some books on attachment, not exactly sure which one to read - there's plenty along with reviews on Amazon.  At the moment I'm reading 'What every Parent needs to Know' (think I've mentioned this before) by Margot Sunderland, good concepts in there and what the Child is thinking and understanding the bigger picture behind the behaviour of the child.  I like how the author is saying we need to keep the connections with the child especially when the child is experiencing anger/sad emotions because they need your support and acknowledgement of their feelings but at the same time not giving in to the child's needs to keep them happy.  There was one example where the child was told to sit on a different car seat to the one they normally sit on because their cousin was travelling with him, the Dad acknowledged the child's feelings, by saying 'I know I must have made you upset when I told you you couldn't sit on your normal car seat' but then not saying anymore and not giving into the child.  It also talks about time in rather than time out, giving your child a chance to have one to one time with you to talk about their feelings.
Any other books people can think of, please let me know, I've been catching up on the resource area - but please post any recommendations.
We're looking forward to the prep course - and very eager to get the forms sent back so we can look forward to this.  The intense part of the process is about to begin!


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## flickJ

How thrilled you must be to have the "Offical" nod, and to have started the ball rolling. No going back now - it's all so real  

Good luck on your prep course at the end of June, I am sure the time will fly by


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## BlueStar

Whoop Whoop! I took part in the race for life yesterday, I jogged 5k and it took me 37 minutes to get round the course. Very happy as I've raised £125.00 for a worthwhile course.  I've never done anything like this before and I'm glad I did it, to not only raise money for Cancer Research, but also to face my demons head on as sometimes I lack the confidence and say to myself 'I can't'.  But I did it and will do it again.  It was very inspirational seeing people running who have been affected by cancer or who knew someone who was affected by cancer.  I'm now trying to find another charity I can run for or an endurance challenge for next year.
    Exercise makes me happy and is good for the Soul!


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## flickJ

Congratulations Bluestar    well done on raising such a good  amount of money for a worthwhile charity


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Bluestar, massive pat on the back, that's great    Glad you have shown yourself that you can do anything you put your mind too, congrats on your achievement


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## BlueStar

Thanks flickJ and x-Lolly-x
Been a week since I last posted. I sent the forms back last week, since then we've had three letters. One acknowledging our letter and saying that we would hear from them about our CRB check. We received another one to clarify what adoption allowance was as we put on the form that we might need it. It turns out the majority of the time this is only available for disabled children and I understand that disabled children need additional care so I'd rather the allowance go there. The LA were worried that we might be using the adoption allowance as a way to supplement our income and we said we'd been in discussion with someone we knew who had adopted and they suggested we add this to our offer. 
Anyway, we've gone back and confirmed that we are confident that we can afford a child or children and we are putting money aside each month which should give us some security when/if the adoption works out and I'm on adoption leave. It's feels so far in the future, like a dream. I read some articles about Charlize Theron on the website the other day, I was touched by the comments Theron had said. Theron was on the _Ellen_ chatshow and said _"It took me a while. The process, it took around two years. My mom said the most beautiful thing -- I'm going to cry. She said, you know, it took me nine months to fall in love with you while you were growing in my stomach. She's like, it took you two years to fall in love with this little baby. It took two years of just waiting, and then one day, it's finally there. It just feels exactly how it's supposed to feel. I don't know how to describe it. It just feels right."_
What a nice thing to say! Well this has spurred me on. So after we've gone back confirmed re our financial situation, we got another letter through regarding the course on parenting adopted children which we're both looking forward too. This is at the end of June. I know it gets mentioned a lot in the newspapers about the length of the adoption process a lot, but so far, since I phoned up the LA to voice our interest in adopting, I don't think I have felt like have been left 'hanging on for the next phone call or letter'. This might be different when it comes to the home study as I know it takes several months, but we're not impatient. In fact we're utilising the time we have to prepare. 
Bit of a long post today, but it's nice to put words together on 'paper' so to speak, makes more sense when you've got it written down. 
Anyway that's us for now, hope everyone is well  
BlueStar


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## BlueStar

I thought I would talk a bit more about my background, as I haven't yet.  I've been reading a lot about loss and grief, as the SW wanted to know about my experiences of this as I lost my Mother to cancer when I was six.  We're going to talk more about this in the home study, so I've been reading up about the five stages of grief and how children grieve which has been insightful for me because I remember going through the grief as a child and coming to accept that my Mother wasn't going to be coming back.  A few years back, around the time of our wedding, I asked my sister-in-laws about my Mum, as they knew her when she was alive.  I also asked about when I was told, apparently I was told by one sister-in-law of which I don't remember this, but I remember being told by my brother when I asked when Mum was coming home, and my brother confirming Mum had died.  I remember sobbing and sobbing over this and being very angry and thinking it was my fault, before accepting it.
I had a difficult upbringing as my Dad is sixty years older than me and so he's from a different era to me and my Dad wasn't very hands on and proactive with my upbringing.  But he was there for me in ways he felt comfortable in and as an adult I reflect back and look at my Dad now and thinking that he is a honest and hardworking man.  He has such a determination to persevere and get on with things even though they are deeply upsetting.
I met my husband and at a young age, we were together for just over a year when he was diagnosed with cancer.  Obviously with my history of my Mum, this was hard for me and obviously hard for DH but I wasn't going to abandon him, I was there for him and I was by his bedside all the time I could be while he was having the chemo.  After four rounds of chemo, he thankfully recovered and he's been in remission for nearly nine years! 
After we married five years ago, we ttc naturally, but as we expected DH was unable to conceive naturally because of the cancer and chemo. So we had ICSI with IVF using the sperm he had frozen before his treatment.  First time round, I got a BFP, but sadly this ended a few days later when I had had a chemical pregnancy.  Second time round, I got to EC, but the eggs weren't fertilised.  Third time round, we got to the egg transfer and I had the dreaded 2ww, but it was unsuccessful.  
I then went through a period of grief and mild depression, for which I received counselling.  DH is my rock, and grieved, he attended one of my counselling sessions, and I always remember him looking like he was 'a rabbit staring into headlights'! We took a year off to have some us time as it had been another difficult period in our life and also to weigh up our options.  
We've got two vials of sperm left, which we have decided to keep, we don't know if we can let these go until we are confident that we've been successful with adoption. So we decided to move onto adoption this year.  The SW commented on the robustness of our relationship and our ability to go through bad stuff in life together.  A good comment from the SW as what has happened to DH and me does prepare you and you've experienced loss and grief first hand and you know what to expect as children who are looked after and have experienced this too.  I hope our experiences will guide us through the trials and tribulations of parenting if we are successful in adopting.
BlueStar x


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## BlueStar

It's been a month since I was last on here, so just thought I would update my diary.  We're currently attending the prep course organised by our LA.  It's really informative and rather than the tutors speaking to you all day, they get you involved and you discuss in small groups and large groups.  It's really good, you learn so much about yourself and the children what they've been through and how to manage the behaviours of a looked after child.  They refer to the wall which DH and I have seen on the Adoption UK website and seeing the wall visually like this you can see what children need to develop and build their life and when things are missing in their life how the wall is weaker.  
I've also been in contact with Brownies and Girl guides and I now voulunteer for our local Brownies.  This finishes soon for the summer, but I will continue again in the new term later on in the year.


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## flickJ

I am so pleased things are moving on so positively for you   

You sound as though you are really enjoying the prep course, from what I have heard it can be pretty "full-on" in the things it teaches you about the children and how to cope, but, I am looking forward to learning. 

Good luck with the rest of your prep course, and also your voluntary work


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## BlueStar

Thanks flickJ   

The course is worthwhile and you will get a lot of information.  I agree it is intensive, and real, the Social Workers running the course want it to be as real as they can they said they're not trying to put us off, they preparing us for what lies ahead.  The first part of the course was about why we are here and the circumstances surrounding why children are in care, then they talk about secure attachment and bonding, and overcoming the effects of neglect and abuse, then they move onto keeping family links alive and who am I - as in us parents - how do we experience and overcome our losses and how do we cope with change.  There's so much more than what I've just mentioned, you learn so much about yourself and you get to meet others in similar circumstances as others.
Thanks flickJ, hope you are well and I hope your prep course goes well too.


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## BlueStar

That's the prep course done...now onto the homestudy, I imagine we will have to wait a couple of months to be allocated a SW.  We're going to make the most of this time, on reading the recommended book list they kindly gave us.  We've also been given our PAR (formerlly form F) to partially complete (mainly the factual bits), so we can save time in the long run. For us it seems to be going really fast so far.  I imagine we'll hit a slow part, while we're filling in our evaluation form and confirmation to proceed on to the next stage, we then need to send this off, then while we wait to hear from our SW, we partially complete the PAR.  I've asked for an email version as I'm sure I will put a splodge of ink in the wrong place.  This way we get to edit stuff easily and expand the sections.  I can see the pros and cons of filling out part of this.  On the plus side, we can ensure the factual stuff about us is correct, and cuts down time.  On the negative side, it would be nice to of had our own SW which we could look to for guidance.  We have been told, if we need anything to email us, and they fully expect emails from us, requesting what sections they want us to complete.  I think I will be one of these people asking 'what do I need to complete?'..
The prep course was invaluable and it was lovely meeting everyone and we all said we wanted to keep in touch afterwards for support.
 
In terms of reaching our goal, DH and I have said to each other, best case scenario, we'll be bringing our DD or DS home in twelve months, worst case scenario, we'll be bringing DD or DS in two-three years.  We're working towards the best case scenario, to ensure we're as ready as much as we can be when we welcome our little one to our home.
BlueStar xxx


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## nutmeg

Congratulations on completing prep sessions and moving forward. Hopefully you will enjoy HS just as much


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## BlueStar

Thanks Nutmeg  
Completed some of PAR, getting there. Heard from the LA that they haven't got a Social Worker available to allocate to us, so we're waiting to move onto the next step.  But hasn't the time gone quick since I posted my last diary update.  
Been enjoying life really that's all you can do.  With the IVF I used to hang up my life on a coat peg until the next appointment arrived.  Then when it didn't work, I looked back, and thought what have I done this past 18 months besides IVF? 
So recently, we went to watch Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, really good! Purchased a new BBQ and had friends and family over, then ate charcoal burgers and sausages (yummy!).  Eating out and shopping. Going for long walks and long bike rides.  Watching plenty of Olympics on the telly and supporting Team GB! What else..went to Wroxham Broads and learnt three things about boating. 1. Do not go faster than 4mph, you will get told to slow down.  2. Make sure you're hanging on to the rope from port and starboard when mooring. 3. When moving forward do not move your gear from full throttle to full reverse in one go.
'The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present'
BlueStar


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## BlueStar

Yay! We've heard from the adoption unit, they're going to be allocating us a SW, and we should hear from them in the next couple of weeks.  OMG we're both excited and anxious! Nearly finished completing our forms.

We're meeting up with our prep group next month, going out for dinner and a catch up. It'll be nice to catch up with everyone.

Hope everyone OK x
BlueStar


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## BlueStar

Our home study starts 4 September, omg suddenly I'm feeling very sick!


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## Billybeans

I have just been reading your diary Bluestar, seems like you got off to a quick start then a few mths of waiting and now it's all go again. Good luck with the homestudy, I believe this can be the challenging and lengthy part.
I used to be in the brownies and guides and I have got a meeting with the district guide leader on thursday with a view to me volunteering at my local brownies (I have moved areas since I was a guide) I don't really know many people in the area so I thought it would be a good way to meet new people and be surrounded by children. I would really love children but as you can see from my signature things arn't going our way at the minute. We need a bit longer to decide on what's next and are in the process of more investigations. There is a possibility one day I may be embarking on the same journey as yourself.
Good luck and I will keep popping in to see how things are going for you


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## BlueStar

Thank you Shining Star.  It means a lot.
I definitely want to keep going with the volunteering even if this doesn't work out as I find working with children enriches my life.  So if this doesn't work out I may need to reconsider my career path as I definitely want children in my life one way or another.
Moving onto adoption was the biggest decision we've made.  I just hope our Social Worker thinks we're going to be good enough parents to adopt a child.

We had our first session last Tuesday, and it was alright.  It didn't start off too well, because the most embarassing thing happened, our cat decided to throw up in the lounge in front of the Social Worker.  He's never done that in front of everyone, but we didn't make a fuss, and DH cleared it up quick while I listened to the details of today's session.  So rule number one: put your pets outside.
We also had to discuss a sticky point about why we still have two vials of DH's sperm in frozen storage.  We were honest and said we had decided to move onto adoption and this wasn't a fallback, we had decided that we couldn't afford another cycle and the chances of it working and me moving onto a full term were for us slim to none.  Destroying the sperm is the final act, the closing curtain.  We had to talk about this as they wanted to know why we weren't on track with paying our credit card off and it was because we had to pay our storage fees and also we needed to do some DIY in he hallway due to our cat having accidents on the floor.  
Since Tuesday DH and I have been on and off discussing our first visit, and we really need to showcase ourselves and where we live.  We're honest and we hope this will strengthen our application as you really need to be honest and allow them to be intrusive.  It feels it bit unnerving but it's for the best as they really need to see if we're good enough parents. Which is what everyone is trying to get out of the homestudy.  We also found the cataloging what sort of a child we can handle a bit surreal it felt like we were shopping, but again, they need to do work out what is the best for us as parents and they are thinking of the childrens needs as well.  We found this really difficult to go through, so we're going to be certain in what we want to help the SW do their job.
We got some homework to do and I have no doubts in there being more. Although it is time consuming I hope it will be worth it in the end.  Please, please let us have a daughter or son, this is all we want in life.


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## BlueStar

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted, our session last week went well in our opinion and we covered off a lot of things.
This week the SW came round and announced that our adoption application is to be put on hold for the short term because we showed in our financial projection that we're not going to be ready until June 2013 to have a child placed with us.  So they didn't want us to do the bulk of the waiting post approval and didn't want to add to the pressure of making sure we're saving enough and paying off enough i.e. our credit card before approval and then not be ready for another six months.  So now this makes us more determined then ever to show them that we'll be ready for a child to be placed with us when we said we would i.e. next June or before hopefully.  I think they want us to be confident that we're able to take on a child and we don't have a worry in the background about money.  But maybe my careful approach with money came across as a worry? Who knows? Anyway we've got to show that we've got the money in the savings account, and our credit card is paid off before they will recommence with the application.  
The SW did also ask us to reconsider older children school age children, because we said we'd be able to afford for me to be off for nine months, but if a child needs the primary care giver to be off for two years, not to say every child needs it, but if the child does need it what we will do and to think about our income when I'm working part time. 
Too be honest who knows what's round the corner when you're a parent, what ever happens you deal with it and you get on with family life. I think they've got to realise that we can save some money but we can't save for every eventuality that would be impossible.  Ooh I wish I had my crystal ball right now...
So I'll keep popping in to update my diary and check in to see what everyone is up too and how you're getting on.  Wish you all well, I hope my diary has been beneficial to you all so far Xxx


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## Billybeans

Hi Bluestar, what a shame you are having to delay things. We have a bit of debt on the credit card too and no savings at all, do you mind me asking what the policy is on the financial side of things, will they not consider you unless you have a wad of cash in your savings account?
xx


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## BlueStar

Hi Shining Star, 
I can only comment from my experience, but we haven't got a lot of savings and we do have one credit card between us with just over a £1,000 on it along with a loan for our car.  The loan will be paid off in a year and a half, our credit card will be paid off in March next year.  Our savings we should have about £2k in the bank come Spring next year.  I projected to have this amount when the child is placed with us, but they want us to have this amount at least before our adoption can proceed again.  I can see their point, as I am going to be living off DH and our savings for at least six months, and things do crop up like car maintenance and house maintenance etc.
I think the SW has given us a boot up our bottoms because we do have to make sacrifices as parents, and work out what is a need and what is want.  We wanted to get our hallway decorated, but it didn't need too, but we wanted to get it done before a child is placed with us.  It's also made me think that if I need anything from my family, I can ask.  For instance, we need to buy bedroom furniture for the little one, and I was going to buy a bed on ebay second hand, but one of my relations had a much better one and they said I could have it for free.  So family are there for you when you need them to be there.  Another relation said don't buy any baby stuff until I've seen her and she said I could have her pushchair.
When we're ready to proceed, I'm going to have an iron clad projection of our predicted outgoings when I'm on leave and when I'm working part time, along with copies of paid bills and our savings.  
Hope this is of benefit to you and anyone else.  I'm going to be posting something shortly about childcare costs and taking time out to look after children - this will be a separate post.


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## Billybeans

Thankyou for that information Bluestar, just as a feared. We are not ready to apply as we have far more financial concerns than what you have. This is one of the reasons why I haven't made the initial call yet


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## BlueStar

It's been a while since I posted so much as happened.  I'll keep it brief for now.  

Our HS is back on track we got the money together.  We've had our medicals, we're going to keep chasing the surgery to make sure the paperwork is completed and sent.  Our last appointment with the SW was about understanding children and some of the questions were really long, we both were a bit quiet in response to begin with at first as we didn't know how to go about answering the whole question.  We're finding it really intense and some things she's asking we're coming up with an answer, then afterwards, we're thinking should we have said that, can we back track on this?  I think the home study is all about the way we think things through and how we answer initially, and if we discuss the appointment afterwards.  It's very insightful. 
We've got a few workshops to attend which we're both looking forward too and more reading to do on attachment and parenting techniques.  Our panel date will be in a couple of months time hopefully if we make it that far! Fingers crossed!


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## Billybeans

Hope things stay on track for panel ina  couple of months. It sounds very intense at the moment. Good luck


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