# 43 and considering DE - need advise



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi
This is my first message on this forum and I wanted to get advise from anyone going through similar issues.  Excuse me not knowing all abbrev etc. and for my rambling.
I am 43 and about to go through FET in the next couple of weeks.  I have been TTC for four years but previous to that had a little boy who is now 4 years old.  Since his birth we tried to get pregnant but having had five miscarriages over two years turned to IVF with PGS.  Our first cycle produced 11 embryos all chromosonally abnormal.  Our second cycle produced 5 embroys which all went to blastacyst.  We tried 3 and froze 2.  The three resulted in BFN and so are trying the 2 frozen now.
Obviously we hope that this will be successful but with history and the stress that all this has had on us we are now discussing other options.
I would really like advise on DE, being able to let go of the idea of having a child that is ours.  Thoughts on a potential child knowing or not knowing it maternal history.
I and my partner have discussed going abroad where the donor remains annonymous but am undecided.  
Also where you go for councelling on these issues.  And any other advise.
Thanks for reading this.


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Hi, not got time to post now really, but maybe post also on the donor eggs/sperm board? x


----------



## Grem (Feb 19, 2010)

Hiya

You are not alone - planning to be an older mother seems slightly crazy and I certainly think that we are completely mad, but we think we would be good parents so I think it will be worthwhile.  Using DE is an odds game - our odds have gone from 5% with my own eggs to 60% with DE - that's a no-brainer as far as we are concerned!!!We've only told my mum for now, we will probably tell everyone else, but not until they have developed a relationship with the baby.  Then it won't matter!

Good luck with your snowbabies.

Gremx


----------



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi Drowned Girl
Thanks for your advise will post on other boards as well.  I just read your blog and also some of the links from it and will find some usefull information from that.  Great to hear a wonderful story like yours, always gives me hope.

I have today been told that I have to delay my FET as my uterus is not looking great so more delays, always gets frustrating!!

Grem,
Are you using a donor that you know or going abroad?  We have also only told my mum whats going on and then will let people know at a later stage.  Just want to get through these next few stages.

It's been hard to accept that our chances are so low (also only 5%) especially when I feel so young, but if these FE don't work it is either DE or nothing I think.

xx


----------



## Grem (Feb 19, 2010)

Hi Chubs (may I call you that!)

I'm lucky enough to be using a UK clinic that offers DE (Herts & Essex) - and we only had to wait 2 months for a suitable donor and that included Christmas so in reality it was a much shorter wait.  We had one go with our own eggs but the clinic were very firm that it would be a waste of money to try again with our own and when we saw the odds improvement we didn't hesitate - we put down a deposit for DE immediately which got us onto the waiting list.  Luckily I'm pretty average in height weight and looks - you know, mid brown hair, greeny bluey eyes - with no special distinguishing features which I suppose makes matching easier.  I did ask about occupation as education is important to me.  My donor is apparently a secretary and, at her age, I was too - although I've moved up a bit now.

So here's hoping!!!  Had my final scan yesterday, and her's is today so we should be EC next week.

Good luck with everything
Gx


----------



## daisy70 (Aug 9, 2009)

Hi Chubs,
We are in similar position to you I think.  I'm 43 too and we have just had an unsuccesful go with my own eggs - we asked our clinic about donor eggs ages ago but they were quite insistent that we should have one go with my own eggs first even though it only had 5% chance of success.  Sometimes I am so sad that I'll never be a biological mum but most of the time I am completely fine with it and in fact really looking forward to doing something that has promising chances of success.  After years of TTC with a miniscule chance of success it will be so nice to do something that has good odds  
I also wonder if we are a bit mad embarking on this knowing that even if it is successful on our first DE attempt I will be 44 by the time a baby would be born, but then I think we would make great parents and that's what is important after all.
You should definitely check out different clinics both in UK and abroad, our own "local" clinic has a waiting list of 18 months to 2 years for donor eggs and we probably would have just signed up for that if I hadn't looked on here and found out all about different clinics with different waiting times, and of course vastly different costs.
Good luck and I hope all your dreams come true 
Daisy xx


----------



## Maple moose (Jan 31, 2010)

I'm going through the same decision process.  I'm 43 and about to go for EC on my first cycle.  I keep thinking that if it's not successful I should go to DE as soon as possible because of my age.  But, I do feel sad that the baby wouldn't have my genes.  I also wonder about telling the child.  Going for DE a decision that I'm slowly coming around to but I still have lots of uncertainties.


----------



## parveen1 (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi Chubsy

Hope its ok to call you that. I know only too well what you are going through and the process of accepting and embracing DE is not a straight forward one. I found it really hard to accept that I would never look into my childs eyes and see a part of me looking back. It was heartbreaking. However, most people do reach a point where having a child that you carry for 9 months, give birth to and for whom you are everything soon sways them to be very positive about DE. Also the chances of having a healthy baby is so much higher (no Downs etc) when the eggs are from someone so much younger. So take your time to work things through. 

I am 44, well actually 45 today! Just got pegnant with DE. DH and I are really excited.

It hasn't been an easy journey and at only 6 weeks we have quite some way to go. We are still not fully decided on what we will tell everyone, but we will probably try to be as open as possible. Thousands of babies are born in the UK each year through DE and it is becoming more and more common.

Please PM me, if you want any guidance about UK clinics or some of the European ones or if you want to actually know what you donor looks like and her education etc, in which case there are quite a few options outside Europe. The donation is still anonymous. You don't meet the donor. You just have all the info you want about health, siblings, children, grandparents, education, personality etc. Finding a donor who looks exactly like me has really helped me to think of our future child as completely ours.

Most clinics doing DE quote success rates about 60%. Some in the US are now as high as 84% with single embryo xfer. So lots of things to consider, but there is so much help on FF to guide you.

With regards to councelling. All Uk clinics are required by law to provide councelling for free. If you decide to go outside the UK, then you will need to pay for the councelling. It might be worth calling the councelling unit at a ART near you and asking if they go private sessions. 

Good luck on your journey to be a mum.

parveen.


----------



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi All
Thank you all for your postings and your support.  It is so comforting to know that I am not alone and that other people know how I feel and what I am going through.  I'm sure that you all feel as young at 43/44 as I do!
We are going to see our consultant on Thursday to discuss whether to use our two FE but if he gives us less than a 5% chance then we may consider not using them.  It just feels too stressful to go through yet another disappointment.
All your thoughts about how you feel using DE are exactly the same as I have and I went to see a counsellor yesterday which gave me a chance to talk about all the doubts and questions I had, I would really recommend it.  It really helped and I'm going back again.
I am beginning to feel that having a baby grow inside me will make it feel like it is mine!!  The prospect of being pregnant is just sooo exciting.

Parveen
First, Happy Birthday, hope you have a great day and all your dreams for the next year come true.
When I read that you had twin heartbeats I was so excited for you, let me know how it all goes!
Did you go to a clinic in the US, if so where was it?  We will probably go abroad either the US or Spain.

Thank you all for your support and I wish you all good luck for your journeys
Love
Chubsy xx


----------



## ElsieF (Nov 26, 2009)

there is a clinic in chicago who are so confident in their sucess rate with donor eggs, that they give a money back guarantee..!


----------



## seemedlike4eva (Jan 26, 2010)

Hi there,
DE for me is also about the odds-game. We can only realistically afford the one go, so we're off to North Cyprus fertility clinic, for donor embryo as my DH also has sperm probs. I think it's made it easier for him to accept this time because there's no genetic link to either of us, he's being so much more interested & supportive than with previous tries.
I have had 10 cycles of donor sperm IUI, with 3 different, proven donors, & all BFN. When IVF was suggested, I looked up the stats, & 5% return on a significant outlay is too much of a gamble for us. With all the BFNs my own eggs can't be that good! I started tx at age 37, I'm now 41. Really undecided as to how much, if anything, I would tell a child. Only my MIL, & SILs know we are even having IVF at all. opted for North Cyprus because there is no waiting time, it's cheaper than UK, plus it's a holiday thrown in as a bonus!
Best of luck,
L x


----------



## lilybeta (Feb 28, 2010)

Hi Seemslike4ever,
I am interested in hearing about your treatment in Dogus Cyprus, is that in Nicosia  and where are/have you had your scans. I am going to see Dr S Alptuk in 2 wks time, but nee to go to London for my scans, then fly out to Cyprus for 3rd scan and ET, but not sure how long we need to stay out there!!
Lilybeta


----------



## Dell Boy (Aug 6, 2008)

Hello Chubsybuds,

Me and d/w have similar story to you although we don't have a child yet, i would endorse everything else that has been written here, we have been through the DE route back in November and got a BFP although we miscarried after four weeks, it really is an odds game, once to start all the injections and the pills and all of that you'll soon consider the child entirely yours, we did, no other way of looking at it really, you carry that baby for nine months.

We're waiting for our second go at it then bankruptcy...

Good luck

Dell Boy


----------



## shortie66 (Feb 6, 2008)

Hello ladies  

Just want to wish everyone good luck whatever you decide.  We have decided a donor cycle abroad, no counselling as have enough friends on here to offer all the advice/conflicting emotions i feel i could ever possibly imagine i need.  

We go in ermmmmm 9 days, so hoping its third time lucky for us.


----------



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi there
Good to hear from you all!!

Dell Boy
Sorry your first try didn't work but good luck with your next attempt, fingers crossed, at least we know the odds are much better!  

After a lot of deliberation, we have decided to use our two frosties and are going to start preparing for in the next couple of weeks.  If those don't work we are definitely going for DE and have found a clinic in Spain which has been recommended by some people we know.  The wait there is only a couple of months so at least we can get the ball rolling quickly although trying to stay positive for frosties.  

Hoping to have a BFP at least by the end of the year!!!!!!!!

Here's wishing good luck to us all.

Chubsy
xxxx


----------



## Grem (Feb 19, 2010)

Aren't we all!

Gx


----------



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi Grem
Have you started with your new donor yet?  Where are you up to?  
Hope this one is successful!!
Chubsy
xx


----------



## Grem (Feb 19, 2010)

Hi Chubsy

I downregged last Friday and am just waiting for my AF - and it feels like the longest wait ever.  I'm now officially 6 days late but because I've DRd I can't do a test because my hormones are all skewiff.  And apparently it's quite normal to be late during down regging......

It's the waiting that's killing me!

Gx


----------



## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Grem, it's always waiting, waiting...


----------



## chubsybubs (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi Grem  

Let us know how you are getting on, hopefully by now you are on your way!!

I have just had AF and am starting natural cycle to put back two frosties!  Should happen end next week if all goes well so fingers and everything else crossed.  Started with some acupuncture yesterday to help blood supply etc. (going to try everything possible this time).

Good luck !!!!!!!!!!

Chubsy xx


----------

