# hmmmmm.....only hitting me now!



## jooles (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Ladies   

Its been a long time since I used FF but after our 3rd failed IVF in April and being told in May that our only chance of a family is donor eggs I thought I was coping ok until the last week or so but.................BAM!!!!! Has hit me like a ton of s**t all of a sudden and I'm in bits    Its affecting my home life, my work and social life!!!  I dont want to mix with anyone, I have cancelled nights out and have been arguing and picking fights with my poor Hubby ( which is something I never usually do as we are a strong couple) I am constantly feeling the pressure in work and was actually called in to speak to my boss today and near had a melt down. She has agreed that I have had to deal with a lot of extra work due to my colleague retiring which will hopefully sort out work situation.  But, I'm wondering, is this normal to feel like this nearly 6 months down the line or am I just being a drama queen? Why is it only affecting me so much now? Its like the elephant in the room at the minute at home    We both know the situation and that we need to do but neither of us wants to admit the end of the road has came with nothing to show after 5 long, emotional years!!!!!

Has anyone else had these feelings so far after treatment and how in the name of goodness did you start to get over it!!!

Sorry such a me, me , me post!!!! feeling mighty desperate today   

hope everyone else doing ok

thanks for reading!!

Jooles


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## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

Hi Jooles,

I can only speak for my own situation, but have seen many others experience similiar emotions and the answers to your questions is yes its perfectly normal to feel like this 6 months down the line, and its important to remind yourself of that so you're not too hard on yourself and label yourself a drama queen who isn't coping. I suspect the answer to your next question is that its hitting you now because initially there is that period  that lasts different lengths of time for different people where you feel a sense of relief about the pain and a really strong desire to get off the merry-go round and put your life back together. For me that relief was so strong that I wouldn't be putting myself through more torture and that life could start to be about other things. But there comes a time for many where that need to put things behind you and move on is overshadowed by all the raw feelings that you have yet to process and that sounds like thats where you are now and it isn't an easy place to be but try and remember it won't always feel like this. There is a huge difference between knowing rationally and intellectually that you are stopping treatment and are going to embrace living childfree and that you won't have children and actually feeling it. Although I'm sure you have grieved many times over each bit along the way, not being able to concieve naturally, after each failed cycle there is a whole other grief in knowing that door is closing. 

It seems for a lot of couples who have lived every bit of the journey that the end of treatment marks the end of talking about their infertility as if theres nothing left to say and that can certainly be the case for a lot of family and friends who don't know what to say and hence the white elephant. You're feeling these intense, painful emotions but with no outlet for them. As I say I'm mostly talking about myself but also what I've seen and heard others go through. I think we can be so desperate to put a line under all the trauma and move on that it can be really hard to face these feelings. 

For me its two years down the line and in many ways I find it easier now, I can recognise my good moments, see why I have my bad moments and what little triggers there still are for me. But like you say coming to terms with all what you have been through is not easy. For me now there are three parts to my infertility, the past, the present and the future and its actually the past I'm still trying to come to terms with, all what we went through, the physical and emotional stress, the fact for me it led to my ill health that still dealing with today, the financial impact, the effect on my marriage and other relationships, the toll on my self esteem and lifestyle, its a huge amount to accept and let go of. I believe it can be done but it takes time. The future is something that comes up now and then when I project my current fears into what maybe, you know the sort of thing will I be alone and lonely! That takes time and patience again to overcome. But the present and immediate future in relation to not having children that really has shifted and so while its different for everyone, we all have individual paths, I think yes most of us have had those feelings and have/are starting to get over them or they become less intense, more manageable, less frequent over time. Its impossible to say whether they ever go away, I still have moments and I accept that its natural that I may always have that from time to time but thats not to say they will define your life.

As to how you get over them, again its hard to say as for what works for one doesn't for another. If I had the magic answer we could close this forum now    6 months isn't really so far after treatment, in a lot of ways its early days so perhaps the best thing you can do is cut yourself from slack and go with it. Its a bereavement of sorts and there is no set time in which to get over it. Its not at all self indulgent to admit you're hurting and feeling lost as its a big dream to have to let go of and it takes time to feel that other dreams have meaning and importance. For me having a personal ceremony helped to acknowledge what we'd been through, it can be whatever you want it to be and feels right for you. Theres often something that happens to trigger all the outpouring so perhaps youre feeling a bit raw about that? 

I did a post recently and thats exactly what happened to me everything blows up and feels desperate and intense and you just want it fixed as you feel so awful but as things feel so bad you can't possibly see how things can improve! Trying to let that sense of desperation lift a little by not analysing it too much will get you to a place where it feels more bearable. Perhaps counselling will be a good thing for you to give you a chance to talk about how you feel, or homeopathy to also talk but for more practical help in coping. Try and arrange a few nice things to give you a lift, its not going to take any of it away and those emotions are going to demand to be felt but it can help you cope by shifting your mood a little as shutting yourself away whilst feeling what you need can only be a short term help. If you was able to explain to your hubby why you're shouting and picking fights I'm sure it go a long way to helping things so he takes it less personally.

I can see you're in a pickle and I hope some of this has helped a little. We all need me posts and me days so don't worry about it  

Getting work sorted will certainly help, as theres only so much stress we can deal with at once! It won't always feel exactly like this  

MTL x


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## jooles (Aug 3, 2008)

Oh My Goodness MTL    that is one of the most emotional and heart felt posts I have ever received on this forum and I dont know where to begin to let you know how much I appreciate your time answering with such an amazing and frank reply   I'm actually typing with tears in my eyes and going to get a big mug of tea and some chocolate and sit and read through it again!!!
You are a very special and extremley kind and understanding and once again I really appreciate it   
Jules xx


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