# Thinking of adoption....advise pls.



## Rayofsunshine (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi all 

Me and hubby are considering adoption and would really appreciate any advise on initial steps and what to expect. 

We have been trying for a baby for 2.5yrs and have just had a failed IVF. The thought of spending more money on IVF with no guarantees of a baby at the end and the thought of more heartache is not something I want to go through again. It is still very early days for me and hubby and feelings are still raw but we both feel that adoption could be for us! 

I would appreciate any advise on the following;
Books 
What we can expect from the process 
How long adoption can take from start to finish 
How likely it is that we will get a baby?!

Thanku in advance for ur input!


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

It is the most amazing process and has the most amazing rewards.  There is a book list on here somewhere and I am sure someone will point u in the right direction.  Have a look at amazon there are loads on there. Be prepared to have everything looked at and looked at.

Our bubba was just over a year when she came home.

We are a way down the road now and the process has changed recently.  For us it was the best decision we have ever made our little girl is amazing and she still makes me cry with pride. 

Good luck on the road to becoming a mummy it truly is incredible xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi RayofSunshine,

Sorry to hear of your recent loss.

There is a book list at the below link:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=244029.0

There's a recent thread which you may find of use:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=312478.0

Re the baby question this thread may help you out.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=313096.0

Some others may be able to help you re the new process and the timescales. For us it took almost 3 years from initial inquiry to LO being home.

Good luck x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Ray

Welcome aboard, I'm sure you'll find lots of good advice on this thread and if you browse other threads and topics, you'll find a lot of information that way.

I think the best thing to do would be to contact your local authority and arrange to go along to their next event for people interested in adoption - you go along for a couple of hours and get informed.

In terms of adopting a baby, lots of us have, but when we say baby we often mean under 18 months as by the time the court process is done they are often between 8-12 months.  There is also concurrency where you take on a newborn on a foster basis with the plan to adopt; this is very difficult and emotional however as contact often continues between the baby and it's birth parents, the court process is ongoing, and there are no guarantees I.e. baby could go back to birth parents. I have a baby placed at 11 months and her sibling 'on the way' who will be 5 months when placed in a few weeks time.

Our process took 6 months from start to panel, and a further 7 months to be linked, matched and placed....so basically a year. I know others have taken longer, had we been matched straight after panel it would have been super quick but finding our LO took a while.

The process itself is invasive and emotional and SS go into everything. Our process was very positive, our SW is lovely, but they really do go into every aspect of your life with a fine tooth comb.

My only advice would be to ensure you have fully grieved what I term 'the biological dream' before you pursue adoption, but an information evening / morning would be a very good idea.

Book wise I've not read very many as I go online a lot and know a few 'real life' adopters so gleaned a lot that way, but I'm sure others can help.....


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Hello some great advice above. I can add a little info about time scales as we are going through the new process. We asked our agency and they said realistically the quickest time scale would be about 8 months from start (initial enquiries) through to placement. That's if prep courses are available, all deadlines are met and no delays with references & checks. Then relying on getting a quick match etc. We are thinking/hoping 12 months as we don't want to rush or put pressure on ourselves and we have that time to save some extra cash for adoption leave.

I found this site http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/the-adoption-process/ so useful when we were starting out. It details the process, stages and time scales. I can't recommend them highly enough as an initial contact to get information. They have a free phone number.

Good luck with your journey!


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Hi

We got to the point of thinking of how far did we actually want push nature and science to have our own biological child. Was it really worth all the heartache and expense? It dawned on me one day that I could love and nuture any child, not just a child I had in my tummy. So we chose adoption and our little one will be 14 months when he joins us. It is hard to get a baby as it takes so long to get them through the care system and for the court orders to be issued. It's amazing how many 'chances' the birth parents and extended family are given. We had to take the obligatory 6 month break after fertility treatment but you could certainly attend an info evening in the meantime. You might find the info evening a bit scary as they do always try and portray worse case scenario to prepare you for everything. The process is very invasive so be prepared to open your heart, home and soul. It's pretty full on and very long which requires immense patience but such an amazing experience. I always say now that having  a baby the old fashioned way is 'so last year' and that what we are doing is way more amazing. Lots of love xxx


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi Ray of Sunshine, 

Sorry for the tough time you've had recently   

We applied to adopt around 3 weeks ago and had our first SW visit yesterday. Very similar to you - tried for 2.5 years and IVF didn't work out for us for a variety of reasons and we just knew it was time to move on. Being parents and nurturing a child is the most important thing to us, not pregnancy. Just be aware that they may ask you to wait a little while as your treatment was so recent. Saying that, my m/c was only in June and our agency (Somerset CC) said it was our personal choice and if we felt we were ready that was the most important thing. I thought we'd be told to wait 6 months too, but I guess it depends on the agency? Don't have any reading lists at the mo, but will let you know once I get one! Best of luck with everything xx


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## Rayofsunshine (Jul 28, 2013)

Hi all

I wanted to say a very warm thanku for sharing ur advise, it means alot and makes me feel more and more that adoption cud b for us! 

The point made about accepting u may never have a biological child before adoption is a very honest and real one for us. This is something i think we need to work thru! 

In the meantime after ive spoke to hubby, i think we will at least make initial enquiries and see where this journey takes us! 

Thanks again!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello Rayofsunshine

It was a tough time for me making the decision too. I started this post a the time: -
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=306616.0

It really helped me to read the replies. I haven't doubted our decision since and the grief of infertility is lessening but of course not the grief of my loss at 17 weeks but even a bio baby wouldn't take that away.

But it makes sense to be really sure before you start. On our first training day the SW said that in her experience, the main cause of adoption disruption was because the parents hadn't dealt with their infertility grief properly.

But now I feel really positive and excited and really can't wait. I was just so upset at first that we had to make the decision.

Wishing you all the very best. You've come to the right place for support that's for sure!

GG xxxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Hi Ray

Welcome to the board, everyone here is super friendly and I find this to be a great source of advice.

My husband and I have just finished our prep group and my husband said to me when we were travelling back that he thinks, for him, it was the large stage in getting over his grief over not having a child biologically.  So, even though we felt ready and over the grief when we made our app, you have to examine your feelings every step of the way (and your social worker will make sure that happens).  The grieving process is slow and things can sneak up on you, but the prep and the home assessment helps with that, I think.  The adopter I met described at as months of free therapy!  Having said that, although we are completely exhausted by the process we are just buzzing with excitement and can't wait to get going.  Now if someone could just get me a house purchase that doesn't fall through, we will be all sorted...!


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## Rayofsunshine (Jul 28, 2013)

Thanku gg and barbg! I wish u both the best of luck with the adoption process xxx


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