# Contact with BM and BF



## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi

I don't know if this is the right place to post, so I am sorry if it isn't.

We went to info evening last night and were told about contact with BP and siblings (where relevant).

The adoption team lady advised she adopted 7 years ago and forwards information to BPs regularly on LO. She also said his sibling wants contact now.

How common is this to have such a lot of contact?  My DP is concerned that if we adopt (we have a 8 yr old BC) that the child will still have a strong link with BPs and siblings when he wants them to become part of our family. 

We understand it us important to have info in their past so we can tell them but why is the link to BPs kept so strong? This lady said her son never receives anything back from BP but she still sends the letters. Surely a BP has lost the right to know any info on the child once the AO is granted? 

My DP is worried also that if we adopted a child who had siblings, our BC wouldn't feel like a true big sister as they would have other brother or sisters that she wouldn't be involved with. Has your child had contact with siblings and if so, how much?

Anyone with any experience if this? Especially those with a BC already.

We have had a hard journey to get here and I feel extremely upset at the thought we may bit be able to go down this road. I have a friend who has recently adopted a gorgeous girl and would love to give a home to a child.

Thanks


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi iknapp,

Hope you found prep/info eve informative & congrats on starting your journey.

Modern adoption is quite different from adoption 40/50 years ago. Contact is one area where SS's have taken feedback from the 40years ago where adoption was often hidden/not discussed and push contact as the best way. Martin Narey (Gov advisor for adoption & fostering) has recently said that contact is not always in the interests of the child.

However, in most cases, contact is encouraged by SS's. you may find the below link useful.
http://www.adoptionuk.org/information/100172/100262/102995/contact/

We are open to contact but dont have any birth child. When you get further into home study, you discuss contact in more depth and what you feel comfortable with as a family. Some second time adopters have to consider if more contact especially if their first child/ren have none or limited contact with BF. I would read more on this and think about what you could consider for your family and what benefits your adoptive child.

It us rarer for adoptive children to come with no contact at all but it is possible.

Hope this helps
X


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

From what we have learnt in our HNS , you can tell your SW what you are /are not willing to get into . Obviously this would reduce your match chances down and matching could take longer , but you can make choices as to what contact you want to have , it will just mean they will need to find the right child . Once you have been on prep you will find it a lot clearer and you may change your mind , good luck xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Contact is discussed a lot during prep and home study.  One thing I would say is that a SW may see your feelings about contact as a sign you don't fully embrace a child's background.  Adoption is very different to having a bc ( I know you know that and don't mean to sound patronising). Your jealousy or feeling uncomfortable can't come before your childs need. Yes it may mean an ac has other siblings and your bc doesn't however your bc has a genetic connection to all their relatives and an ac doesn't so there would be different issues on both sides. 

People think the hard thing about adoption is loving a child that isn't biologically yours that's the easy bit. The hard bit is knowing that child isn't exclusively yours. You will always share that child with their bf whether they contact you or not. That is the crooks of adoption there are 3 parties involved not 2 and that is something you need to accept and embrace in order to be ready to adopt.  Good luck with your journey x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Sorry I hope that doesn't sound harsh or abrupt it's hard to show tone when typing x x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi  

Contact is a massive one and they will discuss it lots during prep and home study. But the reason for this is to discuss what you are comfortable doing (although as previously said no contact is very rare). A local authority we approached right at the beginning of our journey really talked about direct contact which we uncomfortable with. When we found our voluntary agency they said this scenario is actually very rare. Our agreed contact is indirect letterbox contact, so we will write a short annual letter. The birth parents will hopefully reply but if not we will continue to write as it shows we cared enough to do it and tried all we could on our part. It is a good link to be able to ask questions our daughter may have as she grows that we simply cannot answer. This will help her to understand her past and form a positive sense of identity. I hope they will reply to us and this will again boost her self esteem and know she was not just taken or abandoned etc. Also being able to tell her things outlined in the letter hopefully will allow her to fully understand her history and stop the need to trace 'behind our back' if you will because she won't be so curious. Also if we don't embrace it she may not feel able to talk to us about it and may set about doing things alone which does worry me. I'm waffling now but hope you can understandable bit better why contact can be positive. Having said all that I don't have a birth child in the equation. Good luck


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

We have recently adopted and have letterbox contact with birth parents and grandparent's once a year. We have written our first letter and received replies from both. Lo has two half siblings and we have no contact as he has never met them and they don't wish to have any contact with him (much older siblings).

In terms of BP's losing the right for contact you might feel differently when you have gone through the process. Consider for example BP's with learning difficulties or mental health issues. Many BP's have had a very difficult start in life themselves. When I was looking at the details of possible lo's I came across a bp introduced to heroin at eleven by their mum and another who was sexually abused by both parents. They have lost their child does it really hurt to give them an update once a year.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

When a family member adopted two children, we knew there would be possible contact with siblings and at first we all struggled with this idea but actually it's been very positive. We struggled with the 'but their ours' bit really I think and the fact that the children had all been through so much. We as a family fully accept and talk with the children about their siblings. We hope as they grow older they will retain that link of their own choosing and believe they will (certainly the eldest will). 

We have also adopted and I am pursuing contact with our LO's siblings. I feel it hugely important that it is part of her life, that there are no hidden bits, no secrets, nothing else taken from her that already has been.

The thing is when adopted children are split up and placed apart they have more of a cousin relationship than a sibling relationship. Your BC will end up being the sibling and the siblings more like cousins. 

For us personally we want to have contact with adopted siblings a couple of times or more a year, birthday & Christmas cards etc. We want a flexible relationship with the other adoptive parents to invite their children to birthday parties, special events. 

In terms of BPs we will do letterbox contact once a year which is no big deal and if they write back letters will go on LO's file for her to read as an adult as she is only tiny.

Hope this clarifies things a bit.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

If your child has cousins or a really inappropriate auntie who could never bring up children -they are still your child's relatives and, unless it's unsafe to do so, you wouldn't say that meeting them or sending them photos makes your child less part of your family. That's how I see our little boy's birth family.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi there

You absolutely do not have to agree to direct contact with birth family.  Some children will require direct contact with Birth Parents but they wull not be right for you    I couldn't do it.  Direct contact is usually for older children.  I know quite a few adopters and none of them have direct contact with birth parents. 

Siblings who are adoted seperately are different and I was always open to that.  Both sets of adopters are in the same boat so I don't see the problems with it, only benefits for the kids......  

Personally, I don't feel I 'share' my DS with birth family.  We are his family, legally and in every way!  Birth family are part of his history but it doesn't mean I share him with them.  It is our choice what we tell them in letterbox and if we think it is in DS's interest to stop this letterbox contact (contents of which he will not see until he is much much older) then that is up to me as his Mum too.  

Good luck  
X


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

Fab replies and I agree that every case needs to be looked at differently  at the end of the day LO 's future stability and happiness should be the main concern x


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you for your replies, each and everyone is very interesting to read and informative.  

I guess we would have 2 children's happiness to consider if we went down the adoption route and maybe this is the real problem that faces us.  

Your replies are food for thought so thanks once again.

xx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We are adopters and we do letterbox contact with 3 members of BF, we were recently approved again we have stipulated as our son does not have direct contact with any family members we will not consider a child who has direct contact with either family members or sibling, this has cut done on the children we can consider a fair bit as there are a lot of children out there who have siblings that SS quiete rightly want to have direct contact. 

This though is as we say our choice, we are happy to do letterbox though, and have so far wrote every year even though it is hit and miss wether we get replies, at least we will be able to show our son the letters we wrote later on and he will know that we at least kept his birth family informed of his progress and how he was doing over the years.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Remember the phrase everyone has a bottom, everyone has an opinion! (Slightly more polite version). Well lets just say I dont entirely agree with bits people have said. This country is desperate for adopters, I dont mean that means they will take anyone but I do think that means you have a little bit more say now then people did years ago. I certainly dont think adopted children should be shared and as much as their past shouldnt be a secret it should definitely not in any way control the future. These children are in care because they have been abused....ie neglected etc I have no repsect for anyone who does that to a child and have no wish to embrace them into a childs life. I will be doing letterbox contact and meeting bm but only because I wont deny that, I recognise there may be some benefit. I as you can see have very strong opinions on this but that doesnt mean that I am right and other people are wrong. We all have a right to take whatever path to family happiness suits. And I respect that. Each family is different and we all work in different ways. One thing I would say is do not be led down any path you dont feel comfortable. There many children out there whose adoptions involve minimal contact. Believe in what you feel and what your instincts feel. Do not become indoctrinated and you can make all the decisions calmly! 
Good luck x x x


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