# This Painful Journey



## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

I have been awake since 2.47am, lying in my bed with just my head and it's perpetual thinking.  I thought I'd eventually fall back to sleep from sheer tiredness as the last few nights I've slept badly but it's now nearly 3 hours on from that and no sign of the zzzzzzzzs in sight.  I apologise in advance for this very me post but I don't know what else to do.

It took me a long time to get to the point of deciding I wanted a child, a family of my own.  This was for many reasons but the one I'll focus on now is about the rollercoaster of emotions, in particular the fear and pain of failure and the fear of it becoming, and ruling, my whole life.  Right now these are no longer fears but my complete reality.

In the TTC world I know my journey is nowhere near as difficult as some others have been but after 4 IUIs, an early miscarriage and a failed IVF my worry is that I don't and won't know where to stop.  When I started this journey I said I'd never do IVF but oh how soon the goal posts shifted.  I fear that it will never work and I'll spend the next few years chasing something that will always be out of my reach.  By the end of it I'll be heartbroken, bitter and bankrupt.  I'll also have wasted several years of my life in the process.

In January my mother in a cruel and drunken but seemingly prophetic moment told me she didn't think I'd ever be able to have kids.  And each time another 2ww turns into my period it appears she is right.  I feel she has cursed me and I'm scared of that.

I feel like I have stopped living.  I am reluctant to make plans because everything is geared around where I am in my cycle and I don't want to 'waste' any of my potentially fertile months that I have left.  I have stopped doing some of the things I used to do because I have nothing I can talk to people about as all I've done with my time is try to get pregnant, and that's too private to share with acquaintances.  I have become a TTC bore.  In between treatments I'm just treading water until the next one starts.  It's become my raison d'etre and I don't know how to just live anymore.  I know I should take time out and look after me and probably do some things that aren't about TTC but I feel like that's just wasting precious time.  I know I shouldn't but I don't seem to be able to help it.

My bleeding is getting heavier as are my period pains.  I know I won't even get to test date.  I am cross with my body and I don't know what to do any more.  My heart hurts and my soul is sad.  My sweet furbaby is crooning around my laptop and desperately seeking attention.  I shall sign off now and try and appreciate the good things in my life.

A teary and weary wizard x


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## Jackeen (Mar 22, 2007)

Wizard, you are not alone, we all echo your thoughts hun, I certainly spend most of my time like you just waiting and don't know what else to do.  Yesterday I go a surprise BFP after 10 years, 5 IVF's and two previous MC, I started to bleed within a hour of testing but have hope that if it's  happened once against all odds it may again.  We all need a little hope hun   take care


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Wizard    

I don't know what to say honey but didn't want to read and run. Thinking of you

E x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

wizard I am so sorry you are feeling so down  and those lonely hours in the small hours are the worst, but each and every one of us could have written your post about 'changing the goal posts and not knowing when to give up', TTC taking over your life, not doing the things that you used to do and being the person that you were as it takes over-but we will never be the same person after a miscarriage I feel.  Sometimes it helps to take a few months off the TTC rollercoaster and not go from one cycle to another.   Have you had any counselling?  I found it helped me after a few years into this and a mc later.  

There are inspiring stories on here where people have got their BFP's and babies after year and cycle after cycle of IVF, and if you hope, dream and believe that you will be a mummy it will happen- well that is what I tell myself!

Take care hun
L x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Wizard honey      
That was such a cruel thing for your mum to say, but please do not let it govern your fututre - you dreams can come true..
Sometime others say cruel things - I do wonder if its because they may think we've not thought it thro properly... little do they know ....
I was very down in Jan, couldn't sleep just cried all the time so spoke to my GP - who was brilliant and refered me to counselling - which I have to say was just what I needed.... Can you talk to your GP?  Or your clinic?
This is such a hard journey for a couple - but us brave women doing it on our own makes it doubley hard.
We are here for you.
    
Minix x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Wizard - I am so sorry to learn you are feeling so low at the moment.     I do hope things get better for you soon.     This journey is so hard and can be really trying at times.  Please hold onto the belief that it will get better with time.  As the others have said we all go through these feelings from time to time and it is especially hard when those who are supposed to be close to us and supportive don't often understand why we are putting ourselves through this painful and often disappointing journey.

I am not too sure how long you have been on the ttc journey but is it worth taking some time out to take stock.  I know you worry that you might lose precious time with every month that goes by but I truly believe that taking a couple months break to take stock might be what you need to recharge the batteries and also to seriously consider how to proceed next.  This was your first IVF experience and I hear that many clinics use the first tx to see how your body will react to the drugs.  When you go for your follow up consultation with the clinic ask them if they would consider you for short protocol - I think you mentioned this in another thread since you did not respond well to the drugs.  They might also consider switching some of your stimming drugs since we all respond differently to different drugs.    I know you did not make it to test date but you might want to take heart that you did get all of the way through an IVF cycle which means your body did respond adequately (many ladies have to abandon their cycle mid way through) and hopefully with a few tweaks the next tx will produce that longed for BFP.  

Enjoy the sunshine today and take the time to take stock.  I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

Sima


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Thank you so much Jackeen, Esperanza, mini, sima and JJ.  Wise and kind words.  I realised when I couldn't stop crying that a bit of counselling was in order.....

Although of course I hoped it had worked I actually didn't expect it to and in my mind was already planning next cycles, it's just hits home when you find out it hasn't worked for real.

Onwards and upwards though.  There's a wee bit of drive left in me yet.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Wizard,

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you  

Sounds like some counselling and lots of self care is in order.


Bingbong x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Wizard   Sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment  
Thinking of you....

Lou-Ann x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Wizard, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I can really relate to what you are saying and feel for what you are going through.   One thing I think it is worth saying though is that no matter what the outcome of your future treatment (and I'm sure it will be a lovely bouncing baby!  ) one thing you won't end up feeling is bitter. Bitter is not having ever tried and you will never be able to accuse yourself of that.  

I keep thinking like you that I have closed down so much of my life as all my focus is on this one thing, but maybe that's exactly what needs to happen for us right now. This is just a phase in our lives and when we look back, we will be grateful that we were brave enough to go through it. 

Shelly who I met in Brno last month shared this lovely quote with me only today and I hope it helps you keep brave and hopeful as it has me:

'Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.'

Take it easy on yourself and regroup. You will get there I'm sure. 

Love & hugs, Felix xx


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## Jackeen (Mar 22, 2007)

Felix, an amazingly true quote.

Wizard, how are you doing today?


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Wizard ~ so sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment and as the others have said, those thoughts and feeling seem so real to us all. I too never thought i would ever go through IVF, let alone with donor eggs, and especially abroad but that is where I am now at. I have also put my life on hold for the last couple of years, but have now started planning holidays and fun things to do and if i have to cancel then that is what I will do. This site is also a lifeline for me, it is fantastic to be able to share with others that truly understand.

Felix - that quote is oh so true, there does seem no hope at times but we will not give up until we get our dream.

I hope things feel better today and that you manage to get some sleep tonight.

R x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Felix a fabulous quote thank you


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

big hugs      Wizard...its hard to stay strong and focussed on this all the time but you will get there.
xx


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Wizard I can't add to what's been said,     you're strong to have got this far, life is so unfair sometimes but we keep on going - we have to to make our dreams come true!  Take care of yourself xxx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Wizard, 

 

I could have (and indeed already have on several occasions I think) written your post and although my mum doesn't drink and has always been unfailingly supportive, both my sisters have more than once asked me when I will stop the tx - which seems a pretty insensitive question to me ('obviously' I'll stop when I have a baby in my arms..)

This is a long and hard path to take, made even harder for us single girls because we do not have a partner to share the ups and downs with. But as Felix wisely said, whatever the outcome, we will never regret that we have not tried

At times it seems impossible to continue I know, but you will find the strength to go on I'm sure. For me personally the counselling didn't help much I have to say - might have been the wrong counsellor perhaps. When I'm in a low patch, I try to really focus on eating healthily, getting exercise, giving in to the tears when I really need to, and spending time talking to my (long suffering!) friends and eventually with time, I seem to get strong enough to carry on
And last year after the miscarriage/ERPC, I did find a 2 week holiday a real tonic - at the time I was worried about spending money on a holiday which could have been spent on tx, but in retrospect it was def the right thing to do. Sometimes time out, even a short period like 2 weeks, is worth more than you imagine

Anyway, just wanted to echo the other girls in that you are not alone, we're all here for you, and if you need to vent then you do just that 

Thinking of you, the few days post BFN are always really hard, but it will get easier...
take care, 
Suitcase
x


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Coco, lou-ann, bingbong, felix, lulu, Roo, Jackeen, jovigirl and suitcase thank you so much for you thoughts and words.  It was lovely to come back from work and be greeted by your support and understanding. 

The AF is grim but that will pass and I've moved on (thankfully) from my feelings of fear and despair that I had this morning.  Not that I'm saying it's all sorted (or I'm all sorted for that matter) but I can see a future and a way forward and this morning I couldn't.  The clinic are calling me tomorrow to arrange a follow-up appt (I called at 8.30am this morning and left a message for the nurses about the spotting and asking whether I should increase the progesterone and nobody got back to me.  Called the emergency number at 6 this evening and eventually spoke to the on-call person, by which time AF in full force so progesterone irrelevant by then).

Thanks once again everyone, I don't know how I'd manage with you, you're a lifeline x x


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