# One step forward, ten steps back



## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Apologies for the rant....................

For the past 6 months my partner and I have been trying to come to terms with our 2nd failed IVF cycle and our unexplained infertility.  

We had a follow up appointment at our clinic a few months ago where we were told we have less then 5% chance of a positive IVF cycle.  Even though we would love to try again for our own child we made the very tough decision to end treatment.

We have been trying to grieve for the child we will never have but I have found this so very difficult when I'm "still in working order" as my consultant said and "don't ever give up hope" yet every month when AF arrives I am left feeling sad and empty.  

How do you find closure and move on??

We decided to look into adoption and are due to go along to a meeting next week.  Since making this decision I've been feeling very positive and excited about the possibility of hopefully having a family of our own and then today my partners sister announced her shock news that she is pregnant.  Obviously I'm very happy for them but I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach.

I'm so confused about my feelings.  One minute I'm excited and happy for them and then I feel extreme anger and sadness.

I don't mean to sound selfish and the angry side of me is asking why them they weren't even trying and they have 3 already.  I hate myself for thinking this and I'm angry at myself for feeling this way.

My partner is over the moon and so excited.  He said he is sad that it isn't us but I don't think he understands why I'm feeling the way I do....in all honesty I don't really understand why I'm behaving like a selfish brat and I don't like this side of me.  This news has really knocked me sideways and I feel I've taken a huge step backwards with moving forward.  

I really want to be supportive and excited.  I care about my partners sister very much and we have become very good friends.  They are a lovely family and deserve to be happy.  I hope the pregnancy goes well and they have a happy, healthy baby........................

but I feel so sad  

Apologies for the rant xx


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Firstly, huge hugs xx

Secondly, why have they given you a 5% chance of a successful IVF cycle if they have diagnosed you as unexplained? I know you're looking into adoption but am just wondering whether you have closure for that issue.

In terms of other pregnancies ... my goodness, if I had a pound for every time I felt a gut punch every time there was a pregnancy announcement I would be rich. It's not something that has gone away for me and I'm not sure ever will, even if I do get to have my own children in future. If I know it's an IVF child then I don't feel the gut punch as much but I do get it to some extent as I've had 6 treatments so far, two BFPs but one definite loss and one probable (will find out tomorrow) and I want to know WHY ME. I wish I had the answer but I don't. What I will say is not to beat yourself up in this. You've made massive progress in that you're looking into adoption which is fab! But if you are still grieving, remember that grief is by no means a linear process. You will have peaks and troughs, and that's ok! It's perfectly natural. Wanting to become pregnant is primal so when it doesn't happen we end up questioning everything - then when others have it easy it just brings home the reality of our situations. You are happy for them but it's ok to be sad for you.

Hope you're holding up ok - I know all too well how it feels. Lots of love. Xxx


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## Miss Sunshine22 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hey Chugabur

So sorry you're feeling this way  

Please don't feel guilty about your partners sister. It's so normal to feel this way. Everytime I hear a pregnancy announcement, it's like being stabbed. It really takes the wind out of you.  I've not come across one person on this site who doesn't liken the feelings they get to something physical, like being punched, hit or stabbed. As Violeta says, it's primal and when we're reminded of what we can't have, it hits at our very core. My DH doesn't get those feelings, and he can't understand the physical side of it. It's not that he doesn't care. I just think it doesn't hit him in the same way, being male.

Don't beat yourself up even more for feeling this way  . Allow yourself to be angry, sad, frustrated. It's perfectly normal and part of the whole sh..ty grieving process of infertility.


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Thank you violeta and Miss Sunshine22 for your very kind messages.

I've been feeling much calmer today about things but very sad.  I think a good cry and a cuddle from my mum has made me see things much clearer.

violeta, we have been given a 5% chance of success due to my age (43 in Dec) and the fact I didn't respond well the 2nd time.  We only had 2 eggs which didn't fertilise.  The consultant was still very encouraging but wanted us to be aware of the statistics.  After a long time thinking we decided we didn't want to put ourselves through the painful process again.  While there is every hope we could be 1 of the 5% we made the hard decision to stop treatment.

I think I will wonder every day if we made the right decision but it's the decision we made and we have our first adoption meeting next week which I'm very excited about.

I'm sorry to read of your BFN's and your loss.  I hope your scan brings you happy news and all works out well  

Miss Sunshine sorry to hear of your BFN's.  Isn't it tough to go through the IVF journey and not get to transfer....absolutely devastating.  Hope you get to transfer soon and all works out well for you.

Thanks again ladies for the words of support and encouragement.

Take care  
Clare xx


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