# Black Days - How does everyone cope?



## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Hi girls

Has anyone got any advice for the black days?  About a week before AF and a week of AF this black cloud comes over and i just have trouble coping with my emotions,  the sadness is there all the time since finally making the decision to stop treatment but it feels just worse round these times.  

Wellmeaning family/friends just think since making our decision that were both "over it" and say such stupid things and they just do not understand that behind the "smile" were hurting.  Why can't people be more sensitive to others??

love
Lisa xxx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Lisa big hugs to you     

Just because we put on a brave face certainly does not mean we are "over it".  i would say we are all far from it and would have done anything o have a child.  I agree people are insensitive inmy case especially people that all ready have kids as they do not understand what it is like not to have.  I once got so mad at a friend and said to her what would she feel like if one of her girls had died and she said it is nothing like that i said mabee not but the feelings i have are that strong that i really feel empty for what i really should be able to have.  She thinks i am mad now but i dont care.

Around the time of your af could you do something to treat yourselfs as a couple.  I find when i am really hurting i try to do things with dh.

Susan x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Lisa

Sending you massive   and sorry that those around you have no inkling that the process you are going through since stopping tx is a long and fraught one, and certainly doesn't end with making the difficult decision of no more tx.

We have had many a discussion on here about the 'hidden heartache' that IF is, and when there are no more avenues we are able to travel to explore that option how much more isolating and alone we can each feel. The media nowadays portrays assisted conception as something that is readily attainable and as you rarely if ever get to hear the stories about those of us who had to try many times or gave up tx the general public seem to think its a done deal and easily achievable. If you then decide to give up tx some of those who are not enlightened about the whole assisted tx rollercoaster seem to have the concensus that we must not be that bothered about it because we have walked away from it all, right? Wrong - often there is more to meet the eye with those who end up finishing tx, lack of funds and wanting to regain some semblance of who we were before this all began are but two of the reasons as the many who post here will tell you...

Sorry Lisa, I have waffled on and not really answered your question about coping with the black days, but I think it helps to know there are others out there who understand in their own way a little of what you are going through. One of the things that helped me through was talking about how I felt... so I hope you sharing with us here has helped release a bit of the feelings inside of you.

Thinking of you, and hoping that those around you simply don't realise what they do when they say the things they say to you both.

Love 
Emcee xxx


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Hi Lisa and everyone else,

Still considering our next steps, so not quite in your situation, but nonetheless,I have very very black days. I try to keep them away by being very busy. I find work keeps me busy and that helps to an extent, but I try to go to a class at the gym - I do a class called Body Balance that is a bit like yoga and it really calms me down. I like long walks with my DH, keeping away from town and coffee shops and buggies and going out for dinner in the evening. I am learning to play the piano too and having lessons gives me the motivation to practice as I am too embarrassed to turn up without practising. I love gardening and hate it when I get interrupted when I am enjoying my quiet time with the plants. I might not be able to make babies, but I have green fingers!! 

When I have a very black day, I can do nothing but cry - but you all know what that is like!

Kitykat
XXX


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi hun. Had a bit of a black day yesterdaymyself  and my af isnt even due!!! havent had one for a while. I had a missed call on my mob Tue nite from a girl I was best friends with at school.We still keep in touch but this last year she was annoying me as she was always rushing off when we met up. Was usually me who arranged the meet up.

She told me back in April that " she was now madly in love and ready for marriage and babies!!!" This girl had been thru counselling for relationships and never thought she would be at this stage.

I put this out of my mind and had other things such as hol,sisters wedding going on plus stress with stepdaughter.Finally yest she foned me again and when she couldnt get me told another friend that she had got engaged. We all swim in the same place and i was due to meet other girl there.I finally foned her as i was dreading not sounding positive but she was on such a high that I didnt need to say a thing.

She is getting married next summer and will be 37. I feel bad for not feeling totally happy for her but i still dont want to hear her announcements in the future.She was so NOT maternal ever since I have known her and now i feel that she has pipped me at the post!!! I settled down much earlier. Horrible to feel like this i know.

I thought i was really improving as regards these situations. i suppose i dont have to see her much after the wedding as we have only met up twice even this year.

Onto your side of things. i would just go with the feelings you have at the moment. If you dont feel like doing much just stay in the week before af and only see people you want to see. It worked for me. In time it will get easier but i am not sure it will ever go away.It is a pain when people just assume you are over it. I am sure they mean well but unless they are in our situation they will never understand. Take care xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Forgot to say that you are not even 6 mths past your last treatment so go easy on yourself. It will get better!


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Lisa,
I know exactly what you mean about the black days - I had one of them myself yesterday. For most of the morning I was battling on, feeling completely down and couldn't concentrate - work was a nightmare (I work from home). It was only when I finally accepted it, accepted my feelings, that I kind of coped a bit better. I realised that I am going to have bad days from time to time - and I gave myself a little slack. It doesn't mean that every day will be bad. So I think that is the best advice I can give you - be gentle on yourself, it's ok to feel down. And as Irisheyes says, it's so very recent since your last tx. Just cos the world thinks we are over it - doesn't mean we are. Forget the world - focus on you and let yourself grieve.

BTW - I have found that the use of the herbal supplement Agnus castus has helped my PMT tremendously. (I also take liquorice root and Siberian ginseng.) I was losing at least a week of my life each cycle and now, well - last month I had no PMT at all! It hasn't got rid of occasional bad days, but it has allowed me to be a bit more normal at my time of the month. Herbs aren't everyone's cup of tea - but I recommend you look into it.
Bernie xxx


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## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Hello Girls

Thank you so much for all your messages I really appreciate them and its so reassuring to know you all understand how i'm feeling,  I think that is the biggest thing really that no-one else knows and you feel so isolated and different from everyone else.  Over the last 7 years i've seen all my friends have their 1st child then there 2nd child and they've got their little families and to be honest they've made new friends (who they've met through their children) and i feel i have nothing in common with them anymore,  A couple of my oldest friends i don't even talk to anymore cos they made me feel so bad.  This is my first proper post on here and thank you for making me feel welcome.

Bernie - Sorry that you had a bad day too its so hard isn't it. Thank you for the Agnus Castus tip i will look into getting some of that,  I'm always up for trying anything that might help.

IrishEyes - I know what you mean about your friend,  When they make these announcements and your just waiting for their good news.  My friend that i don't talk to anymore sent me a text message telling me she was pg and how happy she was a week after i miscarried!!  this is why i don't have anything to do with her anymore.  Its so hard as you feel as though your isolating yourself but i think its selfpreservation.

Kitykat - Bodybalance sounds good, I did Pilates once and found that really relaxing.

Emcee - I think your right,  A lot of people are so wrapped up with their own families that they really don't understand how the things they say hurt so much its simply that they have no idea what we go through.  Also about IVF being so achievable i remember on my 1st ivf i was convinced it would work and IVF was my last resort I looked at it as the card up my sleeve if nothings else worked that would - How wrong was i?

Susan - I will try doing something special with DH when i'm feeling like this,  I find that when i feel like this i sort of shrink into myself a bit and poor DH doesnt really know whether he's coming or going with me.

Thanks so much girls and i look forward to chatting to you.
Love Lisa xxxxx


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