# I think we've found a surrogate



## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi,

We've found a surromum who seems to be interested in helping us.
The email came out of the blue and we're both stunned, to be honest, it's been such a hard journey with so much heartache for so many years. I am thrilled but I  keep wondering if we're doing the right thing. It's still not a very common way to have a baby and I don't think all my family or my dh's are going to approve. 
Are these worries normal? Have other people had them? And do you worry about telling the child later on?
I still feel I should have carried my own child but it's been ten years and nothing's ever happened except a few blips. We've more or less ruled out IVF because I have so many illnesses and neither of us thinks it would work even with immune tx. That only really leaves surrogacy.
On the other hand, once the child is here, will it matter how he or she got here?
How did you get round the fact that somebody else would be carrying your child?

Rowanx


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## renata32 (Apr 18, 2010)

congrats and all the best !! its a very bumpy road  by strong !!


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Congratulations on finding a surrogate!  

Good luck on your journey.

Xxx


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## selene78 (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi Rowan, 
Your worries are completely normal. In my situation surrogacy was the only way to have more babies (I have one born by myself). And when it came to the decision the only question was - am I hard enough to go that way and not to worry about bitter words that may come? And I am
I was afraid of what my and my husbands family will say, and was surprised by so calm responses. Everybody keeps his fingers crossed for us, and worries if everything will be ok. I haven't met with negative response from anyone yet. And if I will - I don't have to have so many so-called-friends 
But you should know that it is hard way. Even if you find good agency, great girl, and everything will go smoothly. It is fear every day, worry about pregnancy you can't feel, worry about how does the surrogate mother behave etc. 

About the surrogate mother - I treat her like nurse and the nanny in one person. I like the girl, I worry about her health (not only about the babies), I pray about her every day. Of course I would prefer to be pregnant, but I can not. So, as my husband says, don't this about the things you lost, think what you can do with that.

You know one says: the genes are most important. Second one says: no matter who gave a birth, most important is who raised the child. And in our situation (surrogacy) you have baby with your DNA and you raise him/her. And public opinion is shocked in most cases (for example in my country). Strange - isn't it?


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thank you, Daisy and Renata! How are the twins doing, Daisy? I bet they're wonderful!  xx
Selene, you're right and it's being strong enough to ride the roller coaster. Like you, I'd be concerned about my surro's health, especially as she's only just had a baby for somebody else. We're doing it here, in the UK and through COTS, so we don't have the added stress of going abroad and trying to deal with all the legal issues that would produce. 
Your husband is a wise man and I think those words are absolutely spot on!
The whole nature/nurture thing...aaah, that's difficult! I don't think you can get round the genetic side of things, unfortunately. I've thought about this a lot, because if we'd done IVF we'd have had to use somebody else's eggs. My own wouldn't be any good now even if I hadn't been so ill. I have grieved for that loss and it's a real loss, especially as my brother doesn't have children, either. But at the end of the day, I want to be a mum, even if I can't be a biological mum and the child would be my dh's and most of the time that's enough. 
Surrogacy is not seen as quite respectable in this country either, Selene, though I think things are different in the States. It's also tied into the whole gay men being parents issue, as it's the only way they can do it and some people don't like that. (Good grief, we've just had an acrimonious debate about gay _marriage!_)
Anyway, we're due to meet our surro soon, so we'll take it from there. Feeling really excited and positive right now! Good luck with the rest of your journey!

Rowanxx


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Rowan, thank you. Both babies are well and I still can't quite believe they're here (and that they are mine)! It seemed so far away whilst we were going through tx.

Surrogacy is defo not an easy path ; we had lots of ups and downs, but the end result is defo worth it!  

Xxxx


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## olgakorbut (Jul 5, 2008)

Rowan22 - how did you go about finding your surrogate please - did you use Surrogacy UK or another avenue - if anybody can give me some information on paths I can consider that would be great! xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Olgakorbut,

We went via COTS. We had to wait a year but not everybody has to wait this long. At the moment, we're still at the making contact stage but we hope to meet our surrogate soon. 
You can check out the COTS website without joining. There's even a public forum where people will answer any questions you may have.
Good luck with whatever path you choose.

Rowanxx


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## olgakorbut (Jul 5, 2008)

Thank you so much for responding and giving me this information, I will certainly take a look Rowan!!! Gosh how exciting for you, but I didn't realise it could take so long, but I guess in the end it is worth it definitely, I know it was for my friend, but she was lucky in getting a friend as a surrogate. It's great that there is a forum  on there too to pose questions.


Good luck and do let me know when you meet you surrogate and even before how things are going. Would be lovely to keep in touch via PM, if you would like?


Olga


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Olga,

Yes, of course you can pm me.   

Rowanxx


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## LouGhevaert (May 18, 2009)

Hi Rowan

I wish you the best of luck with your surrogacy journey - I hope it's successful. 

Do look at the legal issues too and make sure you get on top of these, particularly the legal treatment of payments in the context of a parental order application, so there are no surprises in this regard.

Best wishes

Louisa


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thanks, Louisa, will do, in fact, I've already had a good read of your site!

Our surrogate isn't married, which simplifies things so much, as it means my dh's name can go on the birth certificate. The child will be his child in all senses of the word right from the start and hopefully, we'll have no problems bringing him or her home after the birth if it takes place in hospital. I have to admit that I am concerned about the amount of expenses our surrogage might want but we are doing this via COTS and they organise an agreement meeting. I do know that it's not supposed to exceed about £12,000.

Otherwise, I simply have to get my head around the idea of somebody else carrying my husband's baby! I hope that side of things will get easier once we start the process, once it becomes a reality and not simply a theoretical possibility. 

Best,

Rowan


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