# How do you deal with these situations?



## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Earlier this week I was out with a friend who knows our ds is adopted and her cousin who I only know vaguely, when the topic (as ever) turned to childbirth etc I decided to mention that ds was adopted at which point my friends cousin turned around and said 'thats a really brave thing to do, adopting a child'.  I just didn't know how to respond at all so just smiled inanely racking my brains for something to say.  After that she started making comments such as 'you've done well with him, he's cute' etc but she was also a bit odd with me from then on, again maybe just my perception.

I came home feeling really upset about it (silly I know), can't even explain why, just wished I could have a stock response for these kind of comments like I used to when we had fertility problems.
What do others do?

Cath


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hiya

It is always difficult to know what to say in these situations isnt it! I have the added bonus of K being a foster child calling me Suzie and then slipping into adoptive child calling me mummy and I have to explain all the time when people ask  

When people say things like havent you done well with him etc I usually say he has done it all himself  or I turn the question around and would answer why do you think its brave? 

big  as I know its not easy

x


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## Guest (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm afraid I tend to turn the "brave" comment into a joke and say "or mad?"

I find it really tricky as so often this seems to come up and all we are doing is our best (which sometimes doesn't feel good enough).  Our three still alternate between using our names and mum and dad so that is tricky when we are out as we do get questions (or sometimes I feel I have to justify it).  

For us it is still early days and I hope some of this will get easier in time.  

Bop


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Thanks Suzie and Bop.  It IS tricky because when I am dealing with complete strangers I just don't mention it, its none of their business but we were with a friend who knew and kept saying things like 'its all so new' 'you've had a big life change' which actually annoyed me as maybe its second nature for her to say it but I really feel its up to me to make other people aware that ds is adopted.
Really I thought it a bit odd to say that we had done well with him when its the first time she'd ever met us, how the **** would she know.  I guess people just feel they have to say something don't they?


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

A lot of people are still ignorant as to adoption and don't know the right words to say.  They feel they have to say something and half the time it's aload of   & your right it is know one else's business & I quiet often find I tell them that now a days, I was maybe slightly ignorant when we first adopted But know I'm older and wiser!!!   

The one thing that gets me though is when people say "How could they give her/him up for adoption"..........half the time its not down to the BP giving them up for adoption But a case of poor parenting.  I respect that both our children's BF had/have their reason as to why their children were adopted......the one thing that the BF have always done and our children will always know is that they were loved very much but  they were unable to look after them.

Love
Andrea
x


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hello it is hard when some ignorant people make silly comments 
I was asked yesterday if i went to a orphinage and picked my child from all the rest i was gobsmacked how ignorant people are to adoption


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Haven't had that one ebonie, astonishing how peoples minds work!
The worst one we had was 'what does he call you?', I feigned ignorance and the person quickly backtracked and said 'I mean mum or mummy', he was 17m old at the time


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

ive had that as well some people act as if we are aliens


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, I've had both of those comments - you are brave and what does he call you.  It upset me.  I also repeatedly get the "oh those poor bp having to give him up, it breaks my heart".  I just say "they made their life choices and those choices meant that ds2 was placed on the at risk register so they had their chance and they blew it".  That shuts them up ..... for a while.  The amount of stupid comments you get is unbelievable.  I also had the "where did he come from" and was tempted to say "a womb" but then they could have turned round and said "not yours".  I wish people would think before opening their mouth.  I also had "is the gap in your life filled now then?".    People are rude.


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## Juicy (Jan 23, 2008)

jeez - sorry just came across your thread in the 'latest posts' section - wouldn't normally intrude but had to sympathise with these completely ignorant comments you get - dear oh dear, and we think people say stupid things about IF !!  I am really shocked 

congratulations to you all on your children and on having the patience of saints with these comments!

xx


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