# online forums



## crystal4314 (Nov 29, 2004)

why are there so few adoption forums, and why are they mostly posted on by parents who regret doing it or are seriously unhappy?

Are all the happy adoption families on standard parentng boards, happily getting on with raising their kids?


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

I don't know why there aren't more adoption forums, I've spent many an evening searching for some and there really aren't many out there.  It was during one of these searched that I found this site 4 years ago and have never found anything even close to as good as FF,  

Yes there are plenty of adoptive families on mainstream parenting boards, some of which have adoption areas.  I know what you mean about people on other sites sounding as if they wish they'd never adopted, and it's good that these people can find support from others who have experienced difficulties but does tend to give the site an overall negative feel.  There are many adopters on this site that also use other sites, depending on the issue -for example if I needed support regarding the effects that alcohol has had on my son then I'd post elsewhere as I know there are bigger sites where I may get more answers. However if I want to post personal news or have questions that are common to most adopters then I'll post here.  

Stick with us, we are mostly happy adoptive families who have difficulties from time to time and recognise the advantages of being part of a supportive online community.  

Bx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

crystal4314 said:


> Are all the happy adoption families on standard parentng boards, happily getting on with raising their kids?


In my case, at the moment - yes!

Great reply Boggy


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## crystal4314 (Nov 29, 2004)

thank you both, it's much appreciated!


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Stay away from the forums on THAT website!!


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## crystal4314 (Nov 29, 2004)

the prospective bit is normally fine, it's the 'everyones AKs will burn things/try and kill them/trash the house/go off the rails' and 'everyone gets PAD' that makes me go EEEEEEEP!


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive and I'm well aware that we might face tough times ahead...but I'll worry about that if/when the time comes!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Just typed a reply and lost it........ i hate it when that happens!!!!!!!

ANYWAY what I had typed was............stay away form those sites..........the people ON hose forums have a right to express how they are feeling BUT I feel as though they use adoption as an excuse for their child's behaviour when in fact their children are displaying challenging behaviours which can happen in any child!!

I have a son who is nearly 18 now and we have had many a challengeing behaviour with him lately and i would not blame it for one second on the fact that he is adopted more of a case he is a normal young man who is expressing his feelings/ideas/wishes......they may not be want I like or what I want for him BUT I would never for a second say "oh Its because he is adopted and you'll get the same problems we have had"............i would suggest staying away and sticking with us nice aldies on here...I dont post as often now but check in often and I'm more than happy to exchange help and ideas with you nice ladies..........wishing all well.........

Andrea
x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Superal - I love coming onto this site and reading all the happy adoption stories and have been doing for a long time with out posting, my son has been home for 12 months now and we love him to bits and would not be with out him, but we have had huge problems over the last 12 months with extremely challanging behaviour, and yes I know that 'all children do that', as I have been told on more occassion's than I care to remember, but not to the intensity that we have, and I hope to god that others do not have to deal with things we have had to deal with.

I for one am so glad that I had read lots on the other site before our son came home as it help us to know we were not alone and to get some help on dealing with he challanges we have had, the people who post on there do so because of the support they get of others. 

To say that they are using adoption as an excuse real belittles some of the challanges other adopters have to deal with in their every day life.


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello Mini Moo

Welcome to Fertility Friends.  I'm glad you have found this site useful in the past, and now feel you can post. We are all very friendly and supportive and come from a wide range of experiences and backgrounds. As this is your first post on this site, may I draw your attention to the following link (it's a good starting point for new members):

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=190482.0

There are many happy stories on here, but also many challenges faced by our members - however we have a private board where adopters can discuss this a bit more openly. I know this is something other sites would love to have, and it might be a good idea. I agree it's useful to read other people's experiences, but I think it depends on an individuals personality type whether or not it actually causes more angst. I was terrified when I read other sites as a prospective adopter!

As with any public forum, every member has a right to their own opinion. I'm sorry to hear that you have had difficulties with your son and I'm glad you have found the other sites useful. I don't think Superal was suggesting that everyone on the other sites use adoption as an excuse, but it's fair to say that there will be a proportion however small where this does happen - none of us can say for sure - we each only have our own experiences. I am sure Superal would agree that there are families out there (such as yourselves) who value the support these sites provide.

I do hope you get the support you deserve, and feel free to post on FF if you think we could also offer you support.

Bx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Miny moo have sent a PM.........(an apology!)

Sorry if others thought what I had typed was offensive to other adopters who have adopted .........using adoption as an excuse that is not what i meant at all.........but like Miny moo has pointed out those adopters are entitled to their opions.....just like I am mine.......BUT the last thing I would want to do is offend any one......so my apologies to you all


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi 

Crystal - I think most agencies tend to push 'the other site' as the main source of adoption support and i'm sure it does just that for many adopters, but, as you rightly say on the surface it does appear that most people post quite negative topics, i guess it is a support site and you tend to only need supporting when times are tough    On here we like to post everyday things aswell as the 'challenges' when they occur, on other sites I get a feeling it is a large site and not so small and friendly as we are on here.  I have (twice) posted on another site for advice and each time felt like I was told off for saying that I felt my son was well attached    

Superal - Lovely to hear from you hunny    Hows the puppy??  No offence taken and I understand your post completely. 

Miny moo - Welcome to FF    And congratulations on your son, how old is he? feel free to post any challenges you may face in the future - we're all here to help each other and share experiences. 

xxx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Crystal   

My advice would be just to make sure that when you get to the stage of looking at profiles you do not go outside of your comfort zone and you think with your HEAD as well as your heart when considering a match.  Also, make sure you get all the information you can about the child, ask lots of questions and make sure it is your decision about agreeing to the match with the child and not that your SW thinks it is a good match for you.  You will be the best judge of what you can and can't deal with when looking at profiles - of course your SW will advise but ultimately it will be your decision so don't be pushed into anything you are not comfortable with.

Children who have experienced abuse and neglect and been removed from a primary carer WILL be affected to a greater or less extent (depending upon the circumstances and child's personality etc).  However it is not adoption that causes the problems, it is the past experiences they bring with them that can be challenging and cause daily struggles. 

however, if you are true to yourself, do your research and only go for a match where you are 100% comfortable (maybe with one or two 'collywobbles' pre matching panel!) then you should have a very happy experience of being an adoptive Mummy (or just 'Mummy' really   ).  

Our son was a great match for us and we feel extremely lucky to have him    Personally I think it helps if they are very young when placed with adopters .... but that's another story   

Good luck   
DE


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Sorry I got off to a bit of a stroppy start, I'm back in my pram now!!!!

Our son was 6 yrs old when he came to us, and had been with his BF until after he was 5 yrs old so came with a trunk load of baggage.

We are in a good place at the moment thanks to the help of a fantastic Play therapist, it has been a very challenging, but very rewarding year for us.

On this day last year Munch was spending his very 1st night in our house and today we had our 4th review and aferwards all trotted of to the post office and posted out Adoption Order papers to court.


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## Guest (Jan 15, 2011)

Hi Miny Moo

Your story sounds similar to ours - or three were older (8, 6 and 4) when placed and the first year was horrendous as they found it so difficult to adjust to their new life.  Nearly three years on they have come on leaps and bounds and are now flourishing, but its been a tough journey - one which took me to my limits.  

I do use the "other" board sometimes as there is little experience here of certain things (manily mutiple children and older children) but we have been lucky the issues we have faced have not been as extreme as some.  We have tried not to use their adopted or early trauma as an excuse but more as a reason to understand their behaviour and then to "retrain".  THe advice I got on therapeutic parenting from the other board has been invaluable and has helped us to make this family a success.  

Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job - keep going and I'm sure you'll be fine.

Bop

PS I'm a strong advocate for adopting older kids as at least by that stage you know what you're getting.  Many issues cannot be diagnosed until children are older, so taking a baby/toddler is more risky, as damage done in utero or by early trauma is unseen.


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