# A letting off steam rant and advice.



## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

Sitting at work this morning, counting the days to panel and intro's.  I receive a call from Mrs Mx. We have just received a load of paperwork from SS's which they need completing ASAP.

We can manage the paperwork but it would have been nice to have been told about it prior to landing on the doorstep.

However we now find out that parents have a disability which we know nothing about and this may be heriditary, we have been through the CPR meetings with SW's and FC's and not oce has this been mentioned. 

We also find out that surprise may need "CAMHS" support when they go to school.

First thoughts are is this SS's covering their backs in case in the future we found about this at a later date or are they just incompetent.

Was going to have strong words with SW this morning but I am going to keep council until after the weekend until we have both digested these new details.

And to top it off birth parents do not approve of the adoption.

Hello rollercoaster thought I had got rid of you for a while.


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

AHHH I am ranting for you   Why oh why do Sw's seem to do this type of thing all the time 

I would ring or get mrs mx to ring sw or sw manager and ask them to tell you all they know about the disability and why CAMHS has not been mentioned to you before now. You need all the info to be able to discuss it properly with each other.

You will find very very few birth parents who agree to their childs adoption so I wouldnt worry too much about that 

Hope you get some answers

x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I have to agree with Suzie, the BP's contesting isn't too worrying as most of them do it even if they are really not bothered about the children.  It's the old cliche about not wanting anybody to have what's yours even if you don't want it yourself.

As for the SW's, this is why some adoptions break down because they don't give the adopters the full facts beforehand   .  This is your future that is being arranged you would think they would have the courtesy to give you all the facts at their disposal so you can make a fully informed decision.  

I hope you get the whole story.

Cindy


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi,
Couldn't read and run...
Please don't worry about the BP's not agreeing to the adoption BP's that DO agree tend to be the exception to the rule, but it is rare in the extreme for BP's to be successful in contesting the adoption. Normal by the later stages when it's being formalised they can't get their act together enough to actually contest the adoption.

Re the possibility of a disability, can you speak to 'surprises' medical advisor and find out what the implications would be if they did turn out to have the disability, you need more info to be able to decide if this is something you feel that you could take on.

Re: school, most children have some issues around starting school and even more so adopted children, find out why they think this may be a particular issue for Surprise.

With both the above issues you can turn them into positives of a sort if you decide that with this new info you want to go ahead with the match, by ensuring that a package of support and funding is agreed at the matching panel...so many adoptive families struggle when issues crop up post adoption order and the child needs support in the way of therapy etc and no one will fund it. I would really advise you to contact adoption UK through their helpline as they will be able to advise how to 'wring' every bit of future support from SS and how to make sure that it is honoured. Of course you may do all of this and find that none of it is ever needed!

All the best with your decision making and don't feel guilty if you decide that after getting this new info the match is not right for you, don't let them rush you into making a decision, it has to be right.

Viva
X


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

NO wonder you needed a rant - it seems unforgivable to me you weren't given all this information up front.

Have you had meeting with medical advisor yet? Am assuming this is done in all LAs as part of the linking process and it was here we asked all of our questions about medical issues in some detail. GEt one booked. We had to wait two months for ours but found it extremely useful.

I'm sure you are on the case but you've just got to push push push and ask question after question from any sources you can until you and Mrs Mx feel happy enough with the answers to make a decision.

As for BPs not agreeing to adoption, as others said, that's pretty common but non the less scary when you are going through the process. BM contested our adoption and had representation at the court hearing. Never really thought anything would come of it but uncomfortable all the same. SW told me BM had said she was doing it to show BBB that she hadn't wanted to give him up when he started asking questions later.

Hope you were able to digest all the info over the weekend and able to plan a way forward

HHH


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

Thanks for all the responses and sound advice. The paperwork was certainly an interesting read over the weekend.

The birth parents not happy with the adoption plan does is just another thing to worry over until matching panel makes it decision. We are wary of the matching panel as we are not allowed to attend its only the Sw's who go on our behalf, would much rather be there to put forward our case.

What really annoys us both that at no time during our meetings with our SW (2 meetings) a meet with surprises 2 SW's and our own and then a meet with FC and SW's that it never came up once that there was this disability in the birth parents.

Surprise has been tested for this and we have been advised within the paperwork received on Friday that he was given a clean bill of health on this issue.

The disability can be easily be worked around with the use of technology and it would not impact on our decision to proceed with the match its the nagging doubt of what else have they not told us.

We have not been offered an opportunity to speak to a medical advisor, would this normally take place pre or post matching panel. 

We thought we had covered all our queries/questions which we had on this. 

The one good thing in the paperwork is that our LA will purchases us a car seat how very nice of them.

Thanks again.


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

From your post, it seems you are more calm now and have been able to come out the other side of yet another adoption 'hiccup' / turmoil!!

Seeing a medical advisor was part of our matching process with the LA and took place before matching panel.

Completely understand your concern over what else the social workers may not have told you. we found some information out after placement that wasn't given to us.....wouldn't have altered our decision tho' but just annoying. You sound though you are happy with your decision and hey who wouldn't be swayed by a free car seat!!!!

Happy preparations
HHH


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## Diz74 (Jan 1, 2007)

Can you request to see Surprise's file?  It's unacceptable for SW's to withhold information and you need to be asking all the questions you want answered including meeting a medical advisor before matching panel.  Good luck with it, I hope you get some more info.


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## KTP71 (Oct 30, 2007)

Hi there, I can understand that feeling of fear when further info comes out that wasnt included in the cpr or mentioned - we had our twins cprs which were really brief and to be honest to good to be true- DH and I then raised a lot more questions and so much more info came out which made me wobble for a while but when I had time to digest the info didnt put us off.

We asked to see the medical advisor but were unable to do so and to be honest she was present at matching panel and said there was little else for her to add over and above the info included in the medical reports.  We were also advised that one of out twins may need a referral to CAMHs but at the moment that twin seems the more settled and grounded!

I would advice going with your gut feel.  We did and our beautiful twin girls came home 8 days ago and yes its tiring but neither dh or i would be without them!


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

We are proceeding, never really considered backing out on surprise as gut feeling is very strong for this one. I think it was more the annoyance of something coming out of the blue on a report that had not been previously been told through us as we had in our own minds dealt or could cope with the issues we were aware of.

SW's have apologised for not disclosing these details at our meetings, slipped their mind. Have been given assurances that surprise has been tested for this and was found to be fine on this.

As suspected a lot of what was put into the paperwork, was back covering from the Sw's.

Onwards to matching panel this week, which is nerve racking for the simple fact that we are not allowed to attend. So will be awaiting the phone call.

Nursery now includes a cot which certainly focuses the mind that hopefully our son will be sleeping in this room in a few weeks.

No joy on finding a million pound car seat yet. LA's should have given me a budget!!!


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Mx4321 - just wanted to wish you all the very best for matching panel this week. How exciting - the prospect of your son joining you soon and sleeping in his nursery   Good Luck   

CG xxx


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