# Fertility 1st



## juicy10

Hey all,

Has anyone used fertility 1st? We are looking at them as an option at the moment but trying to find out who has been through them and weather it is a good option or not.

If you have tried with them please let me know

Thanks Vicki and Rach


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## Mesenet

Hi Juicy,

Have just seen your post, a tad late, so not sure if my reply will come on time: I would strongly urge you (and other users) NOT to use Fertility 1st.  They are not licensed by the HFEA, which means, in the first instance, that the donor will be the legal father of any child you may conceive.  You need to consider carefully the legal implications of this.
Secondy, these people are just an internet outfit, and you have no guarantee of anything: you don't know if the donors have been screened properly (you only have their word), you don't know if the delivery you get is sperm or just a bit of yoghurt mixed with water (!) etc. etc.  All you have when you use these sites is THEIR WORD that they are a bona fide operator.  It's up to you to trust something so important to someone who might or might not be an internet cowboy.

This I don't know for sure, but, aren't Fertility 1st a sister site of Fertility4life.com?  If so, the founder of that site (which started as mannotincluded.com), John Gonzalez, is currently serving a 16-month sentence for fraud since April 08!!  

Good luck with whatever you decide.


/links


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## roma_k

Hi,

Just last week I filled in a "Request a call" online form asking the people at Fertility 1st to call me today (Feb 2nd 09).  The form asks for a specific time to call so I gave them a time.  Waited.....but no call came.  Not a good first impression.  Do you know about the Donor Conception Network?  It's a woman-centred network and I joined just the other day (just £15 for a whole year) and already they've been in contact 7-8 times giving advice.  They strongly advise against looking for internet sperm donor and say they know of some pretty bad stories.  I have started thinking about the internet because I am really desperate but now am thinking the way to go is maybe advertise in a quality publication.  An ethical one.  Must be safer than internet and you are dealing with one person privately.  What is your current situation?


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## Mesenet

My advice is to go to a fertility clinic that has a donor sperm bank and is licensed by the HFEA.  There are many.  I don't know where you live, but if you do an internet search for one, you are bound to find results in your area.

Good luck


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## snagglepat

Hi *Roma_K*

We found our sperm donor online, but it was through a regular gay parenting forum so once we'd made the initial contact it was all about developing that personal relationship and working it out between ourselves over time. It's worked really well for us. He stuck with us through years of trying and has stayed true to our agreement absolutely since our daughter was born.

I think there's a difference between internet companies that source the sperm for you and basic introductory sites that put potential donors and recipients in contact and leaves you to work out the rest. I personally wouldn't go near the former, but if you do want to use a known donor then I don't see there's much difference between choosing one found through an online forum or one from a 'quality' publication. Either way you'll hopefully get in contact with a number of possible donors and you can then take time to decide who is right for you and how you want to proceed. (And you will no doubt get responses from a number of men who are wholly unsuitable for any number of reasons, but that's par for the course.)

There are bad stories out there, but since I started on the TTC rollercoaster over five years ago I've only actually come across a handful of them, whereas I've heard many stories about known donor relationships that have worked well. As with all things, the negative tales have much more dramatic impact and are the ones that get passed on. Of course, there's no way to say for sure that you'll be in the happy majority as opposed to the unhappy minority, but I do believe that careful and detailed negotiation with your potential donor, not to mention time to get to know him, will go a long way towards ensuring that you end up one of the happy statistics.

*Mesenet* is right, the only way to guarantee that you won't end up with donor problems is to go through a HFEA sperm bank/clinic, but for us this was never going to work. We wanted to meet our donor, to speak with him, spend time with him, toget to know him as a fully rounded person. We don't know what traits are genetic and which are learned, and we wanted to know not only what personality characteristics he might pass on to our child (which were more important to us that any physical ones) but also that when/if our child did want to meet him and get to know him that she'd find him to be a decent guy. As it happens, we've met up with our donor twice since our daughter was born. I'm really glad we did this as we now have photos of her with him so she's got something to refer to when she wants to know more about him. I suspect being able to look at a photo and say 'this is my donor' will probably be enough for a good few years.

For your reference, the site we used was the parenting forum on rainbow network. I know others have met their donors (and had positive experiences) via http://www.sperm-donors-worldwide.com which has a small subscription fee but that's all. They've got hundreds of donors listed.

If you've got any questions about this way of going about things then feel free to ask.

All the best,

Gina. x

[red]This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites[/red]


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## Mesenet

Without wishing to start a long debate here, and notwithstanding the fact that everybody has different personal and economic circumstances, for me the main con against using a known donor or somebody you  met throug and introductory website is that (whichever way you look at it), that donor will be the legal father of your child.

You may have known him a long time, or have known him only a little while but think that he is a decent and honest character, and that may indeed by the case.
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING TO PAN OUT IN THE FUTURE.  When your child grows up, the donor might decide he wants a say in how the child is brought up and you might find that your opinions vastly differ; he might want to be heavily involved in the day to day and you might decide that you only want to see him once a month; you might want to move abroad and he will be against it...you just DON'T KNOW.  
Even if things are great now, it might all turn nasty in the future, for whatever reason.  And then he will have the legal right to sue you for shared custody of your child, or even (God forbid) to sue you for full custody.  He doesn't have to have a reason to take you to court for this, he might just file a suit alleging that you are a heavy drug abuser, or you are not in possession of all your faculties, or that you abuse your child.  
This might of course be a blatant lie, but the case will need to be investigated by the courts, and all your past history will be dug up and paraded about in court (even things you might have forgotten, like the fact that you were on Prozac for 6 months 10 years ago when your granny died) and the way you have brought up/interact with your child will be carefully looked into.

If you're lucky, after months or years of misery, stress and lots of money spent on lawyers, the judge will fail in your favour.
If you're unlucky, and the judge is biased against gay couples, single mothers or simply has decided to see things his/her own way, you will lose custody, or you child will go into care.
Unfortunately this is not just an elucubration, I have seen it happen.

If you do decide to go down that route, at least please get hold of a lawyer and draw up a contract with your donor that covers all possibilities.  It might not give you full protection, but at least you will have a leg to stand on in court.

Best of luck, and sorry for the gloomy post!  It wasn't my intention to scare anyone into going to a clinic, just to make you aware of all the facts so you can take an informed decision.
xx


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## snagglepat

There was a really good, lengthy debate about the known vs unkown issue on the donor sperm/eggs thread a few years back. I wonder if it's still there.

And *Mesenet* is absolutely right. A known, private donor will be the legal father of your child of you conceive in the near future. This doesn't mean you can't change that - my partner currently has a parental order meaning she is also a legal parent and the donor's name isn't on the birth certificate so we'd have to go through a DNA test if he ever wanted to prove his paternity. We're also on the waiting list to go through the adoption process, at which point all the donor's potential legal paternity rights will be severed. This takes a little while though, usually up to a year, so you need to be confident that your relationship with donor will remain consistent until at least that point.

However, this is only the case if you conceive before the new law comes in later this year (April, it seems). After that point, all children conceived by lesbian couples using donor sperm, even if it is a private donation, can put both mothers names onto the birth certificate (and they will therefore be the legal parents) from the start. This will render the donor with no legal rights or responsibilities, or the opportunity to get them later. Check out the post here for more information: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=169327.0

Of course, private donor arrangements can and do sometimes go wrong. What I was trying to say in my previous post is that from my personal network of contacts, they tend to go right much more frequently, especially when all parties have taken time to get all the issues worked out before any actual donating starts to happen. No-one should go into a known-donor situation assuming that there is no risk, but if you know what you're getting into and are happy with that then it can work wonderfully.

Gina.


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## rosypie

snagglepat said:


> all children conceived by lesbian couples using donor sperm, even if it is a private donation, can put both mothers names onto the birth certificate (and they will therefore be the legal parents) from the start. This will render the donor with no legal rights or responsibilities, or the opportunity to get them later


just wanted to add - this is true only if you're in a civil partnership. if you're not and you don't want to be then you have to go via a clinic (known donor or otherwise) to both be legal parents from the start


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## snagglepat

Good point *Rosy*. 

Gina. x


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## tor.t

The service was good but they are not governed and there is no proof that they are geniune, sorry but we tried them with no success.  It's a risky route to take....


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## roma_k

Hi Gina,

I'd like to know more about how you found your sperm donor through FDSW.  I actually looked at the website last week and was hoping to view some free basic profiles of donors btu was unabe to do so.  I've been in touch with them and will try again.  If you have time can you take me through the process?  I feel at a bit of a loss about the whole thing and extremely nervous. And also do you know if they (FDSW)  have donors of different races and not just caucasian as I am mixed-race myself and although I know I will not find a perfect ethnic background match (not massively important for me) I would like to find someone of mixed race.

Many thanks

roma_k


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## snagglepat

Hi Roma,

We didn't find our donor through FSDW, though I know others who have. I just had a look though and found their basic listings here: http://www.free-sperm-donations.com/free_sperm_donations_listings.htm#uk - you need to become a member to get more info on them, but you can see that they're there and their basic characteristics. I don't know where in the country you are but I randomly picked the county of Warwickshire to look at and although most of the donors are caucasian there was one mixed race and one oriental donor just in that county. 

I think the process involves having a good look through the free listings and when you're confident there are donors there that you'd potentially like to contact, you join. Then you get access to the full listings, including the ability to contact the donors. It's basically a subscription - there's a monthly fee for as long as you wish to see the full listings. Hopefully you'll find your donor within the first month and only have to pay for one month's subscription. 

Wishing you all the best,

Gina.

/links


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## lesbo_mum

Hi Ladies

im dragging this thread back to life!! had anyone actaully used Fertility 1st   i must be going mad as i've just reg with this and had my first pool list through and they seem ok and gen!   I know im doing the thing i said i'd never do but im now really considering doing this as i really want a home insemination... not just for the money side of things but im not a fan of having some consultant looking up my flu flu   

I guess i love the idea of us being in control and not a clinic!

advice ladies please  

Em x


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## Guest

Hi Em,

Don't dismiss the clinics as we have been to Oxford a million times now ( or so it seems) and it doesn't feel clinical at all. It is pretty much nurse led, which as a nurse myself I think is great, and we have not seen a doctor since our first referral appointment. The clinic just makes us feel safe and well cared for and we know they are doing things properly and legally


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## snagglepat

Hi Em,

I really do feel that we all have our different journeys to take to get to parenthood and that what feels right for one of us might not for the next. If you've done the research, got all the info and your instincts are saying that this is the right way for you, then go for it. I think it's a lot like parenting. There are so many different ways to approach things and everyone has an opinion on what is best, and they're usually different to your own.  You've got to learn to trust your instincts then, having faith that you know your own child and will make the best choice for them in your own unique circumstances. I think finding your way through the conception maze is much the same.

If you do decide to go ahead, I'm sure we'd all be very interested to hear how you get on. 

Bets wishes, and good luck,

Gina. x


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## lesbo_mum

HI girls

thanks for the replys... i've spoken to the guys at fertility1st and they seem really nice i've also found a couple of girls who have used them and found them good... so now im not sure im going to hold fire for a few months and really research them i think  

I love the idea of DP doing the insemination at home with some relaxing music on or something... maybe a self hynosis cd   

Em x


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## snagglepat

We used a known donor so it was slightly different but I have to admit that having DP do the insems (or me hers when we were trying with her) at home was one of the highlights for us. On the month we conceived she laid her head on my belly afterwards and gave the little swimmers directions. Just a tip. 

Gina. x


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## lesbo_mum

Gina that sounds wonderful!! was your donor a friends or did you hunt him down for the job so to speak  

Does Ember have any kind of relationship with your donor?


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## snagglepat

When we first started trying our donor was a friend, but after 5 cycles he got into a new relationship and his new girlfriend wasn't very happy about him trying to make a baby with someone else so we stopped trying with him. We'd then exhausted the friends we had that we were willing to ask (the only other we'd asked had had a vasectomy) so we had to start looking online. FSDW didn't exist then so we posted an ad on the parenting forums at rainbow network and got several replies. Most were totally unsuitable but we got one gem and he's been fantastic, very reliable, committed (we tried for 3 yrs before succeeding) and he never even accepted petrol money from us. 

We are still in contact with him. Originally we weren't going to have meet ups but he lives close to my parents so we've met up with him for a drink twice since Ember was born, which I'm really glad of as we now have photos of them together and, as morbid as it might be to think about it, it means that if anything were to happen to him then she has a record of having at least met him. The last time was a year ago though and we've made no arrangement to meet again, which was our original agreement, although he has said he'd be willing to meet up in the future if Ember ever wanted to. We send him email updates every 3-6 months and he's offered to donate for a sibling in the future if we want to pursue that. 

The idea of meeting a stranger from the internet for this was scary at first, but we always wanted a known donor and I can honestly say I can't imagine it having worked out better for us. He's a very genuine guy and he's given us a wonderful daughter, with just the level of contact we were mutually happy with. I know there are horror stories out there but for each of them I'm sure there are many more stories like ours.

I have to admit that I don't think I'd have been happy going the fertility first route. Given the risks with fresh sperm I wanted to meet our donor and have the chance to develop the level of trust I needed to be comfortable with the process. Also, we wanted more than a list of physical characteristics for our child. We wanted to know what his social skills were like and how he actually felt about it all, so if in the future if our child did decide to meet up with him we wanted to know they'd be meeting up with a nice guy that wouldn't give them any reason to feel uncomfortable about their own heritage - which meant we had to meet him. Just our personal preference. 

Good luck with it all!

Gina. x


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## lesbo_mum

thanks Gina thats really helped up... i'll let you what we end up deciding on.

Em x


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## lesbo_mum

Hiya Guava

thanks for that post its really helpful!

We are still up in the air with what we will be doing...

Em x


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## halo3

hi all

we used fertility first and fell pregnant on the third attempt and now have a 2 month old beautiful baby. There seems to be quite a bit of criticism about them but we found the service fine, we have test results for our donor and it was all professional.

We spent a lot of time considering options and we did look at free sperm donation sites and met a few potential donors but did not feel comfortable using any, in the end we went with fertility first as it suited us. There is a risk with any donor using fresh sperm and that has to be weighed up but we felt OK using them.

In the end this process is never easy and whatever choice you make there will be pros and cons i went with what felt right and for us it worked, i hope to use them again next year once the memories of sleepless nights have faded...

good luck x


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## lesbo_mum

thanks Halo thats really helpful we have decided for now not to use them and to use a fertility clinic for now


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## lesbo_mum

Just a quick one to let you ladies know who posted on here we are doing our first insem tonight and tomorrow with fertility 1st... Wish us luck


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## ♥JJ1♥

Good Luck ***** mum  for the bastings and 2ww, it seems odd at first but soon you get used to it
L x


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## Damelottie

Good luck  xxxx


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## halo3

good luck lesbomum, it worked for us and fingers crossed it will for you too!!


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## lesbo_mum

thanks guys got another insem tonight really   this works!


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## lmb15

Em - how did the second insemination go?

Lisa xß


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## lesbo_mum

Lisa i think it went ok was a lot more relaxed... managed to stay put for about a hour after but when i got up to go to the loo ended up with spermies pouring down my legs... was totally grossed out and convinced now it wont work... trying to stay positive but have a feeling this is going to be a long 2 weeks


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## stefftiff

Hello,

Im Steffany, I am a single parent to a four year old girl.

I have been longing for a second child, and have decided to go for Donor Insemination.


I was just wondering,I kind of understand the process, but what I dont know is ,how does the sperm donor give the sperm to me,within the sperm's lifeline.

Thankyou
Steffany


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## nismat

Hi Steffany, and welcome 
Are you asking specifically about the process with Fertility 1st? I haven't used them, but as I understand it, the way it works is that you specify a day/time that you want to receive the sperm (having selected your donor etc.), and then Fertility 1st make arrangements with the donor for him to do his thing at a particular time, so that it is then collected by a motorbike courier (sample placed inside a flask), and brought directly to you. I think that they "guarantee" that you will receive it within a specified time frame (e.g. an hour), so that you know that the sperm is still fresh/live - check out their website for more details if you want to go this route. It means that you have no direct contact with the sperm donor, it's all done through the intermediate company, Fertility 1st. Just be aware that companies operating like Fertility 1st have a somewhat uncertain legal status, as it is illegal for a company to make money from supplying fresh sperm to anyone. I think that they have got round it through a loophole saying something like they are acting as a "matching/introduction" service, not as suppliers of sperm, but the HFEA keep trying to close them down. Fertility 1st are essentially a company that has operated under various names in the past, that has had to close down and re-open as another entity, because of the legal issues. 
Your other option, if you're not wanting to go to a clinic for donor insemination (with the financial implications of that, although you are on much,much safer ground both legally and sexual health wise, using frozen donor sperm, with all donors being traceable by the child once they reach 1, is to find a known sperm donor, either someone who is literally already known to you (i.e. a friend/acquaintance), or via a site such as http://www.sperm-donors-worldwide.com/index.htm or http://www.co-parents.net/indexeng.php?lang=english or http://www.co-parentmatch.com/

Hope all that helps x

/links


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## stefftiff

Hello Nismat, 

Thankyou very much for your advice.

Yes I would like to go through sperm donor worldwide.I had a look at the site.

I was just wondering, if I am sucessful in finding a good donor,how many hours/minutes can sperm survive in the container on route to me?

Cheers Steffany


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## nismat

Haven't used fresh sperm myself, but I think you ideally need to inseminate within 2 hours of ejaculation, and if you can make it more like an hour, then all the better.

Good luck with finding a suitable donor; make sure that you have lots of conversations about what you all expect from the arrangement before proceeding with inseminations


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## stefftiff

Thankyou Nismat,

I am going to begin all panning today.


Cheers


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