# Friendship reached the end of the line



## hope springs (Nov 2, 2007)

Hi all,

I think I have reached crunch point with my closest friend.  I posted recently to say that she had just annouced her second pregnancy and that despite thinking that I had moved on in the last 6 months I found that it really upset me.  The problem is that each time I see her she manages to upset me, not intentionally - mostly just through lack of sensitivity.  This week she seems to have decided that if she explains how awful it can be to have kids that maybe I won't be so disappointed about our situation.  

So in graphic detail (despite having sat her down last week to explain that I'm finding it hard to talk about/see small children and babies) she tells me about her friend who had such an awful time giving birth and how since the birth her friend has had no sleep at all.... and she has another friend who is struggling because she can't keep up now that she has a toddler and a baby and she dreads doing the the bedtime routine without the husband around.... they can't go out when they like because they need a baby sitter, pregnancy is hard because she's so tired all the time...  and its just awful, awful, awful having children...

I sat there in dumbfounded silence, wishing that she could understand that I would give anything (except my marriage) if it gave DH and I any chance of having a child.  

The real problem is that my husband has to pick up the pieces everytime I've seen her and she has upset me and he really wants me to stop seeing her.  I think he is probably right but I can't face telling her how much she upsets me and if I stop the normal routine of when I see her (usually cuppa a few times a week and a shopping trip) she's bound to confront me to find out whats going on.

The other reason that the friendship has run its course is that we have no common ground at all any more, her entire life is based around the toddler that she already has and the baby that is on the way.  She doesn't work and only the only other people she socialises with also have young children.  So as I can't add much to the 'which shaped teat is best on a bottle' conversation (no, I'm not kidding, she really has asked me!!) it doesn't leave much to talk about.  
I don't blame her for being totally consumed by baby related topics (I'd be the same if I'd had the chance) I can't believe that she can't see it isn't the right topic for a chat over a cuppa when she's with me.

What should I do? How do you cut someone out of your life without upsetting them or it being really awkward??

Hope xx


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## wendysworld (Jan 31, 2008)

hun  i am so sorry to hear your story i hope your ok

just wanted to say though its so hard when everyone is expecting or got babies and we cant naturally what she said to you sounds like something i would say to try and make a pal feel better please try to understand she prob has no idea what infirtility is like or does to you and im sure you wouldnt expect her to know if she had never gone threw it, if she had someone pass away and you said something insensetive but thought you were helping it would be the same, i managed to stay away from all my preg friends and family for 3 months and ended up feeling lonley and isolated myself in the process.

all im saying is its not her fault and she will never understand the heartbreak you are going threw (EVER) but you sound like a good person and i know once you have prob had some you time you may find you miss those little girly chats over a brew? 


I wish you all the best i the world and if it helps we can chat on ff 

god bless


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## wendysworld (Jan 31, 2008)

Hi just wanted to send a massive sorry to everyone and especially hope 

this board isnt for me and i shouldnt of posted here sorry i had no idea it was this forum 

i hope my reply didnt cause offence it was only ment as help to hope


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Hope Springs

I had to write to you because I have exactly the same issue with a friend, and I completely empathise with how you feel - she has two children (and had no problems conceiving either of them), and she used to regale me with how fertile her partner was and how he only had to look at her and "bam" she was pregnant etc. Like your friend she is always talking about her children and to be honest it get very tiresome because we never get to talk at length about us or our problems because the children are always running around and asking for attention, and her whole life revolves around them. 

I don't know how you will be able to "cut off" your friend without it being awkward, but I think that if she upsets you so much that your partner has to pick up the pieces, then you must put yourself and your needs above what she will feel. You don't have to be mean, because you have tried to tell her how you feel and given her the opportunity to take on board how you feel and she has not taken that opportunity. 

People who have not been through IF or tx have no idea how it really feels - they try and say things that they think will be helpful, but what would really be helpful is if they understood that we have all looked at so many options and made so many decisions that they have never had to even think about, and that it is so absolutely crushing when you go through disappointment after disappointment, and that we think that we are OK and coming to terms with things, and then we get a phone call that someone else is pg and we are devastated all over again.

I think you have to not have contact with this woman and see if she contacts you to see if she has done anything to upset you, then you can have the conversation with her about what you felt when she graphically told you the stories you described in your post etc etc......if she doesn't call you, then you know that she has made the decision to move on too - you have done as much as you can to help her to be a friend to you, and she has not noticed that you were devastated by her chosen route of trying to "help".

I think that there does come a time through all the IF rollercoaster, that we have to look after ourselves and be true to ourselves, and although nobody wants to be mean to anyone, I am sure that there is noone on FF who has not at some point had to deal with somebody being insensitive or thoughtless. We all empathise with you, and you will always have someone on FF to help you or to offer their kind words or support.

I hope that I have offended no one with this reply, but I felt that I had to write and reply to your heartfelt post, because you deserve some support today Hope

Nxxxxxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Hope,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your friend. It is one of the horrible side effects of IF that some of our friends just don't get our situation and we end up going our separate ways. Friendships need to be balanced - give and take. You say you no longer have things in common and if she can't do you the courtesy of avoiding subjects that you have told her hurt you, I say that it simply isn't worth continuing with this 'friendship'.  Do your self esteem a favour and drop this friend. As Yamoona says, stop calling her and when she asks why you can tell her. Alternatively, if you are not feeling up to a confrontation, just make an excuse. She will get the message in time. 

It is always sad to lose a friend, but when you do, you open up room in your heart for another friend. 

Bernie xxx

P.S. N - the woman you talk about sounds extraordinary "my husband only has to look at me..etc"  You should have responded by saying "Does he suffer from premature ejaculation then?" snigger... Also I know what you mean about the children always interrupting. I have a friend like that and I can't talk to her on the phone because she will just abruptly - mid sentence - pull away and start talking to her toddler. It is so rude, for one thing. Needless to say, this is one 'friend' I don't really have much contact with.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear Hope,

You ask


> How do you cut someone out of your life without upsetting them or it being really awkward??


Well you simply make sure you're busy when they call, and you eventually find yourself some other pals who have more of a similar mindset to you - or if they haven't, ensure they are people who realise that life may be tough for you sometimes, and that after you have spent time in their company you aren't upset.

If you are always busy or unavailable when your friend wants to meet up she will (hopefully) get the message that you aren't available. Whether or not she wonders what she has done to upset you is another matter.

To be balanced about this I have to give the other side of the coin though... I have some friends who have the empathic skills of a gnats buttocks when it comes to even trying to get their heads around what I've been through and what life is like for me without a family of my own. However, there are other things they do for me - I can have a laugh with them for example. OK, so they aren't there for me to confide my deepest feelings too - I have learned that for some of my friends since all this [email protected] happened to me some will never 'get it'. I have found that there are other things they do for me that will suffice for now... I am a few years down the not being able to have a family track though so it may well be I have a better handle of people and how unreliable some folk you think know you best should be 

I have to say though hon, if this friendship is upsetting you enough to the point where your other half is having to console you, then for your own sake cool things off for a while at least until you feel stronger to deal with her.

Finally, and I know this is probably wrong of me to say this (!) why does it feel like its always us who have had horrendous struggles with IF who give all the leeway and do all the forgiving with people for their behaviour towards us?!

Sending you a very gentle 

Love
Emcee xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Have to agree with everything that has been said.
Myself and my DW have had similar problems, and we have even had friends cut us off when they have had children, of which really gets to me.

Your friend really does not know the meaning of sensitive, although i know my DW would often take things the wrong way.
I know one thing though, we really found out who are friends were when we were going through such a hard time, sadly we lost a few but they also lost out on 2 great friends too.

Maybe just have a bit of a break from your friend, just explain you are finding things hard at the moment and leave it at that, she might even reflect on what she has said to you over a period of time.

Take care 
Cheese xx


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## hope springs (Nov 2, 2007)

Thanks all, its good to know that others have lost friends over IF and that its not just me.  I've taken your advice and have not really been in touch with her this week.  I know eventually that she will want to know whats wrong and I will just have to work up the courage and tell her that I'm not coping too well and being around her is difficult (though I'm really not looking forward to it)

Thanks for all your advice, just getting an outsiders perspective really helps,

Hope x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Hope,

I think there have been some really interesting replies here to your dilemma and I do hope that you will feel OK about moving away from your friend if that is how it has to be. 

I believe that we have many friendships that are good for both parties at a particular time, but once that time is over, it is healthy to let go. A lot of our friendships are based on shared experiences. Living in the same neighbourhood, being in the same class at school, for us girls - learning to do our makeup and to flirt with the local boys, loving the same music or hobby, meeting on holiday or a gap year travelling, working for the same employer. Friendship can even come from shared experience of overcoming problems, in a way that is what sites like this are all about. When we move on from shared experiences, we often leave friends behind unless new shared experiences keep us together. That is totally natural and it does not usually cause us too much grief if we are both moving towards positive new things, neither party feels any anger or bitterness about the fact that their lives have taken different directions. As we move away form one another, we can still remember the other with affection.

I also believe that we have a very few other friends with whom we share a deep and lasting connection that does not depend on shared experiences or circumstances (even if those are the things that initially brought us together.) I hope you recognise some such friends in your life, or find them soon. These are the people to hold onto and treasure! 

I think what happens with IF is that we so want to continue to share the experiences of friends of our own age that it becomes difficult to let go of those we have no other connection with. They probably got married around the same time, started a family about when we hoped to do the same. Letting go of these friends is so hard because it is linked to the grief of letting go of the dream that our own lives would take the path we expected, the path they still tread, while we do not know what we will do next. 

While I believe it is most painful for us IF people, I guess it is also difficult for the friends we have to leave behind in these circumstances. They expected us to be there sharing the same concerns and joys, to be in it together. While she may be (inadvertently?) insensitive to your feelings, I wonder if your friend is trying to hold on to you somehow by telling you how hard pregnancy and motherhood can be?  On the other hand, maybe she is plain insensitive and you don't need her in your life right now, or anytime! 

Meanwhile, there are a lot of lovely people here who will be your friends through this shared experience of learning to move on. You may even get lucky enough to find someone with whom you have a more lasting connection!

Lots of love,
Jq xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

hope springs said:


> they can't go out when they like because they need a baby sitter, pregnancy is hard because she's so tired all the time... and its just awful, awful, awful having children...
> 
> 
> > How dare she? I'm sorry that makes me so cross! I had a confrontation on my county board on this site with a couple of ladies who started saying how 'sad' it was that they never got out any more now (with a 5 month old baby ... apparently they regretted not being able to go out clubbing every week ...) and I'd just had my second BFN, and now they're being just as insensitive on the same thread to another lady I know (happens to live the same place as me) and has just had her second negative having had a miscarriage last time, not reading her messages and going on and on about their excitment about having their babies immenently when she would have been having hers at about this time had it not all ended sadly early. How can people be so totally insensitive?
> ...


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## funkylady100 (Oct 17, 2006)

Hi,
I can really symapathise with you, I recently gave up on a close friendship with someone who I had known since I was 13 (now 33). It was a very tough decision which I found hard, but ultimatly made me feel better.
He had moved away , got married which was not a problem to me, but I couldnt cope with was his attitude to me when I told him of what we were going through TTC. 
He was always a thoughtful and caring person, who I was sure would understand we talked about EVERYTHING, who knows maybe he just didnt know what to say, but from then on, we became distant. I tried and tried, and it was always me that made the efforts, when he informed me his wife was pregnant I was happy for them and went to visit the new baby even though it was hard for me, but came away feeling very inadequate. 
I tried to talk to him about our lives and what was happening as we had always done for many years but all he could talk about was their child, which  I understand, I would be the same given the chance,(even though I think I would have a little more sensitivity, seeing it now from the other side), but everytime I felt like salt was being rubbed in.
In the end I decided to take a step back, and wait for him to get in touch with me, which didnt happen ,sadly after nearly 20 yrs of friendship I have stopped worrying, last time I heard from him was by text to tell me his wife was pregnant again(dont get me wrong Im happy for them) but I feel as if they are glaoting, he never even asked me how we/I were. I decided its time to call it a day if a so called friendship makes you come away from it feeling like pooh!, or dreading the next time you will talk, what are we getting out of it. Its sad when a friendship comes to an end, but I think sometimes you have to admit peoples lives change and other things prioritise but other people come along and take their place.
As for my story, Im 33 and been TTC for 5yrs after many tests and having to loose lots of weight to start with I have just been told I have cancer of my womb, 1 week after I got married and thought we were turning a corner. It seems my only safe option is a hysterectomy, I dont yet know whether I will be able to keep my ovaries or be able to freeze any eggs for the future and Im feeling really down about it, more the fact that I wont be able to carry my own child. But I suppose I need to get over the first hurdle, who knows lies ahead. People try and say the right thing like "having children isnt everything", thats easy to say when you have them, but you have to think that they are only trying to keep you positive. My emotions are all over the place, but Im trying to look on the bright side, at least they caught it early.
Just thought Id share that!
Keep positive, Louise


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Louise   to you

I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through and what you are now facing. I'm sure it must bite when people tell you that having a family isn't everything - however they aren't in your position so I don't think they are qualifed to comment on your current situation!

You are very welcome to join us here.

Much love winging its way to you
Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Louise,

Many thanks for sharing your experience about needing to let friends go. It is hard sometimes isn't it? But as you say, as life goes on we can find new friends.

I am so sorry to hear that you are facing such uncertainty about how you might have a child. I hope you will find it can work out for you. Whatever your future holds, I trust that there will be friends who are there for you.

Love Jq xxx


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