# IF is not the only way to wreck a life



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

A friend of ours has breast cancer. She has no children - and likely won't now. But that is not why I'm posting. My dad has just had a heart op, another friend is threatened with losing his home because of unscrupulous builders, my neighbour's child has an unusual genetic condition (sorry don't know the name) that means he should have died 2 years ago, another neighbour's wife dropped down dead (in our street!) from an aneurysm, our ex-vicar lost his wife to ovarian cancer and I heard recently that he had also died from leukaemia - and leaves behind two young children. I could go on. What I'm saying is that everyone has their share of really sh*t luck in this world. And though my current sadness is huge, and maybe not everyone can understand it, I know that in time they will go through something that breaks their world in two. We all need each other. I personally feel that to make any kind of truce with my feelings I have to now let go of past sorrow and walk forward speaking my truth (in a gentle way if possible) and trying to find happiness where I can. And I need to be able to find room in my heart for friends who do have children, because they cannot change my fate - so why should I punish them (and myself)? I'm gradually learning the meaning of 'being kind to yourself' - and it isn't about negativity and bitterness. 
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

That is a wonderful post. Not of course because you see so much pain around you, but because it has made you think about what you want to give and gain from the life you have and that is really positive for you and the people you care about. You are doing the right thing in letting go of sorrow and looking to find happiness where you can. Having got to know you through this board I feel certain that you will achieve this, not least through your ability to connect with and support other people. The way you do so is an expression of what I mean when I refer to our "mothering spirit." 

In the past I tried to tell friends round my own age that they need not avoid me because of embarrassment that they had kids and I had not, that was a fact of my life and I was dealing with it. It worked with some who stayed around. One of these was the friend I wrote of some time ago whose lovely son committed suicide earlier this year. (A sudden escalation from "soft" to hard drugs because of the company he kept made him feel he had lost control and was no good for his girlfriend.) My friend's situation reminds me of what you are saying about most people having to deal with huge issues at some point.  I know that some people feel awkward around her and that she often feels isolated, but as you say, we all need support at some time and I know she appreciates the fact that I am there for her. Having two children gave her a happy experience I never shared, but it has ultimately brought her so much pain. The first time I saw her alone after the funeral and we held each other as she cried, she said "I have lost my baby boy, but you lost all your babies too." In all her anguish, she has room in her heart to connect with other people and other experiences. That is the sort of friend I want to be.

Bless you Bernie, keep on being kind to yourself.

Lots of love,

Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie...  
and lots of love from me
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for your support. You are both inspirational to me.
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

As you are to me and to many.   Thank you, jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ditto!


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Bernie & Jq,

What lovely posts. You've put a tear in my eye. Very inspirational.
Thank you so much.



Angel


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Bless you!

Jx


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