# Worried about trying again



## danielle1370 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi not even sure this is the right place to post but looked the most appropriate!

We aren't even trying to conceive number two yet,  not even sure if we will want to lol

Part of this 'not sure' business is around the infertility side.

I wish deciding on a sibling was as easy as it sounds but for us ladies it is fraught with worry 😢 

I am scared of actually wanting a sibling for my daughter in case it never happens, I worry about how hard the journey may be, how it might affect my daughter and my relationship with my husband and the emotional toll it would take on myself again.

How did you ladies realise that it was time to take that risk again and get on the to let the train again?

One of my best friends said the other day having had her second child that now she felt like a real mother 😢  made me feel very sad. Not sure why she doesn't feel like a proper mother having had a beautiful son, what she fell pregnant both times the first month of trying so I guess her view of motherhood is slightly different as it has came to hear so easily.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Danielle,

Although my journey is very different to yours, in many ways the worries and concerns around the decision to try for a 2nd child was very similar, and like you mentioned, 'fraught with worry' 
I think even after going through the complex and longwinded adoption assessment process a second time (and even right up to the early days of placement of our DD) we still had the same worries and concerns re are we doing the right thing for all of us, the effect it would have on our little man, on myself and dh, amongst so many other things .

I think ultimately it came down to the fact that on balance, with all the risks and concerns taken into consideration, we wanted DS to have a sibling, we knew he'd be a wonderful big bro (and we also knew the benefits to him would outweigh any of our concerns), we'd always hoped to have more than one child, and we had to hold onto those things 'and just go for it' when doubts and worries crept in.

Again, I don't begin to know exactly how you feel as our situations are very different, but I can identify with your concerns and fears in general with regards to the effect it could have on your relationship with your dh and dd, plus the worry of it possibly not actually happening.

I just wanted to send you a hug 

Hopefully someone with a more similar experience to yours will be along to offer their advice and support soon.

I wish you lots of luck and all the best 
Anj x


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Danielle - I know exactly how you feel as I was there a while ago. I also had a friend say recently 1 child isn't really a family - you need 2 for a family - I could have slapped her!

I knew as soon as my daughter was born I wanted another. I was nieve in that I thought my first FET worked so now id had a baby why wouldn't the next IVF work. It was still a big decision because im a stay home mum so there wasn't money coming in from me to help. We started the first IVF for #2 Dec 2013 and I really thought it would work. It didn't. Then we did FET March 2014 and again BFN. I coped very badly with the drugs and was suicidal at some points and didn't want to be with my beloved daughter. Im not sure it was completely the drugs or just that mentally I couldn't cope. It was definitely different than when I did it before my DD. We have MF IF so I have then spent 9 months trying with a private donor using AI. I got pregnant the second month but miscarried. Ive tried 7 cycles since then and nothing. 

There is still this feeling though that I will never give up and I will get a sibling if I can just keep going. Id really love 3 more kids and even though im 41 in a month my deluded brain still seems to think its possible. So we have been to the ARGC a few days ago for a consult and im starting a mock cycle with them when day 1 comes and we will be doing ICSI. 

Im sorry this is not really cheery but from my perspective once I started treatment again for #2 I couldn't stop. its been horrendous and I hate the fact I have to leave DD to go to the clinic. I resent the fact im spending so much money now that I could use for her and I might not end up with a sibling anyway. I hate the fact im distracted and she doesn't have my full focus. I also think its got worse for me as she is now 21 months. she is a toddler not a baby, I so miss the baby phase and its got more noticeably different than it is now. We seem to have much more stress about what shes eating, sleeping, playing etc etc. Also the rest of my NCT group are pregnant or had a baby so im staying away from them. Im even dreading my DD birthday party as they will be there. 

So I suppose what I would say is really enjoy #1 for as long as you can. You do have time on your side. But if you want a sibling you should go for it. From reading your description your treatment wasn't too intensive and was successful quickly so it could well be again. Just accept you will feel guilty which ever way you go but try not to let it take over the good times with DD as they do grow so quickly. Im still angry that my daughters birth and first years have been the best times of my life by far. But when I look back on them when im older I know ill always think of them as the worse times too as I was doing so much treatment and I was so sad a lot. I hate IF for that. But there was no other way. I cant accept not having a #2 so ive had no choice. Im going to try to handle it better now were starting treatment at a clinic again but im a neurotic type!

Best of luck. Sorry if ive put you off. I just coped very badly with it all. Everyone else seems to do much better. the worries are totally normal though.


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## alexsmummy (Apr 23, 2013)

hi danielle 
reading your post voiced many of my fears!  i feel just the same, i am so worried about how i will cope if i don't get pregnant this time.  we have one 'normally' conceived child and one icsi who's only just a year old.  we have been advised to get going and have another try if we want another child as i am old and a bit knackered in there i think!  the chances are very slim for us this time i believe but we are willing to have a go but there seem to be so many things that make me question this decision.  

so what have you decided about progressing? 
hope whatever you decide that its the right decision for you and that you find happiness. 
xxx 
sonya x


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## danielle1370 (Dec 4, 2012)

Thankyou ladies for taking the time to reply with such comprehensive answers.  Ts good getting other peoples perspectives.

Alexsmummy- when do you think you'll start treatment again? That must be hard making those decisions based on age too, I guess it's another added worry unfortunately.  Have u prepared yourself for what will happen if it doesn't work? How many attempts will you have? Sorry for all the questions!

Kl- thanks for a very honest post about your experience, when you wrote I could almost feel myself coming out of it. I could relate to some of what you said about not being able to stop as when I get started wih things I'm described as being 'like a dog with a bone' lol I also saw the word neurotic in your post and that sounds like me too lol I'm very worried about the things you raised in your post and I know tat once we decide to try that will be it and my quest for a sibling will be on! I sympathise with your feelings of being sad during some of your daughters life because of your journey. This is my biggest worry. I didn't deal with the whole IF  journey and suffered with panic attacks and anxiety aswell as feeling pretty low at times. I just a don't want to afflict this on my daughter and husband. I hope things work out for you.

Anjessia- I agree although our process was different the outcome and the worries we share were the same. Your reasoning is the battle I hav in my mind daily. Thanks for sharing.

I think we will decide properly about a sibling in the next year or so and take it from there. I'm really not sure my husband will want to go through it again as first time round he was the one left dealing with his own emotions and a very difficult and sad other half 😢 if only it was an easy Decision. A few of my friends are now thinking of number 2 or 3 and I can only listen as they talk carefree about this desicion, keeping their first child's belongings for the next child, talking about their childrens eyes lighting up at the birth of the new baby etc it's tough listening to this when even if it is what we want, we might never be blessed again. I feel so awful moaning as my little girl is literally my everything but I do believe in my heart of hearts I'll yearn for another baby. I'm going to enjoy what I have for now as I am fortunate I do have some time on my side and see what the future holds I guess.


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## alexsmummy (Apr 23, 2013)

hey danielle 

i can totally sympathise with the concept of listening to others go on about their pregnancies, second children, etc.  they take the decision so lightly and completely assume that they will be successful without question.  its odd and i cant, obviously imagine it being like this for us. 

we will only have enough money for one try and to be honest i cant go into it thinking it might not happen.  of course in the back of my mind i am so so worried about that BUT i have to believe that it will work and then if it doesnt i will deal with the fall out after that.  

it will break my heart if it doesnt to be honest. 

we shall see - this is such a hard process, whether you are on your first try, first child or 100 try and 10th child!  it would make no difference.  every cycle is a roller coaster and i know i just have to try and stay as positive as possible. 

really hope you find peace with whatever you decide.  its very hard. 
xx 
sonya x


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## ZM (Feb 20, 2015)

Hey, 

I've also had friends say that one child isn't a proper family, it's hard to hear. I always felt, from being quite young, that I wanted three or four children at least, a big family. I have one beautiful daughter now, conceived after a long time TTC. We're trying again for a sibling, this time we're making some changes though. 

I've lost weight, and intend to keep losing weight this time. I'm also living and eating well, sleeping regularly (as possible with a one year old, anyway) and we're skipping straight to the treatment that worked for us- previously we spent two years inseminating, had an unsuccessful IVF attempt, spent another year trying IUI, then had another round of IVF treatment abroad. This time we're going back to Embio Clinic in Greece to have IVF. 

We've also managed to save enough money for another IVF attempt, after this one, incase it doesn't happen. We've decided that if we're lucky enough to get pregnant on the first attempt, that money will be spent on the children, and if not, we'll use it for a final try. We've both agreed that that'll be the end of trying, and I feel more comfortable knowing that there's an end point. 

Good luck, and I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide to do  

xx


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## Cloclo15 (Nov 17, 2011)

I always knew that I wanted to try again when I had my first child - all throughout the pregnancy and early months I felt sad that 'I may never get to do this again' despite enjoying all the milestones etc. because I breastfed for 15 months I couldn't have another treatment until DS was 18 months which I am glad about. The outcome was BFN and I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect my DS as I was upset, though not for too long as you truly do have to be grateful for what you have. It was hard though as my NCT friends were all falling pregnant about that time.

Our next attempt was successful and I will admit that even though myself and DH had always wanted three children, I think I have accepted that this will be my last pregnancy and I don't find myself feeling sad. This is totally different to the way I felt with DS. IVF has quite an impact on me physically as that and preg hormones affect my colitis and leave me feeling quite ill. The outcome is worth it, but after this I will have to weigh up the benefits of more treatment with the impact on myself and my family. I don't think its good to keep having treatments indefinitely - myself and DH always said we would try three times for the second and no more. I would say though that I don't think you should go into trying for a second thinking you will only have one go. It will put immense pressure on the cycle and realistically you should expect to take up to three attempts. This was psychologically important for me.

I think you know in your heart of hearts whether you will try again or not. You are either ready to give up or you are not. Only you know what is true for you.


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