# 45 and indecisive about DE...TOO old????



## nina40 (Mar 7, 2008)

I am 45, 46 a=in October actually and am considering going for DE in IVI Alicante in the very near future. I did almost do it when I was 42 but chickened out and now here I am no further forward and considering DE again. I really am indecisive about it, I would appreciate some advice from anyone that has done it. I just think I am too old, no medical problems apart from pof, thus donor eggs were always my only option, but is it time to just put it to bed once and for all and get on with the remainder of my life childless or do I give it one go and hope for the best I am really really mixed up about it and would appreciate any input from any of you lovely ladies out there xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

if you believe you can love and take care of a child then why not? *shrug* it might not happen even with donor eggs but it might work out fine - surely it's better to give it a go rather than spending the next 40 years wondering about it?

my only concern is the 'one go' principle, while it's great in theory, would you really be able to give up after one go...? also that might put you under a lot of pressure... 


good luck!


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi Nina


I am curious as to why you are considering it if you think you are too old?  One thing you will have to get used to is people asking your age when you fell pregnant (if its works) and nosy questions.


Personally the urge to have a baby is a lot stronger in me than worrying about what other people think and I dont feel too old for anything, and I am certainly more healthy looking than half the women I saw down my maternity clinic today who were over weight and smoking outside.  All I can recommend to you is to seriously do your research on your clinic before you part with your cash.  I went to Spain and used a shared donor to save on costs and it never worked for me.  I then moved to Cyprus and had success there but it was my fifth time at tx.  It is very hard to walk away after one attempt especially if you get a BFP that results in a miscarriage.  It is sensible to set a budget limit, but look at all your options with clinics.  I ended up spending approx 13k which I think was pretty good considering some clinics charge 5,000 euros a transfer if you are having treatment abroad.  The IVF rollercoaster is hard to get off once you start it.


Suitcase of dreams guide to DIVF is a good starting point to read.  Dont be put off by age worries, I am so looking forward to meeting my baby this week as ironically being induced due to my age  and I have had support off family who are thrilled and looking forward to the baby.


Lots of luck


Passenger


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## nina40 (Mar 7, 2008)

Thank you so much for your kind replies...I am actually babysitting my nephews and nieces tonight! Anyway, alot to think about and thank you for the book recommendation, good luck with meeting your little one xx


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

All the very best to you and your baby this week Passenger! Exciting!  
xxA


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Nina age is just a number   my LO was born 4mths before my 48th birthday and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me   I had a great, healthy pregnancy and tbh would do it again in a shot if my OH would let me   my only worry is that I won't be around for more of her life, although that is never guaranteed anyway, and hence why I would love a sibling for her   Follow your heart, you won't regret it


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## Swiss_Cookie (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm 44 now, and I am very happy I went the DE route when I was 42, so now I can enjoy my beautiful Little Cookie. As Bundles said, age is only a number, it all depends on how you feel. I am in a much better condition now than when I was 30. I had no issue during my pregnancy which went very well. I plan to try another transfert to have a sibling for Little Cookie, so if it works out I will be between 45 and 46 at that time. Of course, now that I look at it I think that I should have done it earlier and so on, but I cannot change the past; I can change the future!

You are the age you think you are, not what people think or what papers say.

But think that DE can be a financial and an emotional roller coaster, it can work the first time or not, you might need to give you reasonable objectives as it doesn't necessarily work on the first attempt (as with any pregnancy).


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

*Nina* - please don't be put off by age. It doesn't matter what other people think. It matters what you think. A lot of people in their 40s are healthier than many people in their 30s. I started down the DE route at 46 and it's taken me 2 years to get my BFP. I was indecisive for a while but wish I'd got my finger out a bit sooner and started a bit earlier.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i definitely wish it had happened sooner i wouldn't have chosen to be an older mum, but

i am more emotionally stable, calmer, able to deal with stuff and self-aware than i was when i was in my 20's
i have better social skills and patience.
i'm financially much better off, have a better home and would be better able to cope if my child were disabled or needed extra help.
i still hope to live a good long time yet, and i am looking after my diet, exercise etc towards that. 
i'm more able to 'put a child first' than i might have been in my early 20's... for example at that stage i would have refused a caesarean section, i'd have been terrified of that... now i'd cope with almost anything if it saved a child... as you get older, priorities change... 

being an older mum isn't all bad news, i just hope i get the chance to do it.


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi Nina
You are exactly the same age as me as I am 45, 46 in October. I am very lucky to have one DS conceived naturally after a failed IVF in 2005. We have been trying for a sibling ever since, naturally, with OEIVF and now for the last 3 years with DEIVF.  Its been really tough at times (especially with my mmc earlier this year I won't lie) but I refuse to sit in my old people's home at 80 and say I wish I'd had more kids.  I have so much love to give I know as soon as it works I won't think about the time, or the money I have invested.  It will be so worth it.  Good luck in your choices ... it's not been as hard for others as it has been for me and you may be lucky first time ... PM me if you have any questions, I will be happy to help and advise you if I can.  I have just been to Serum in Athens and it is an amazing clinic, I can totally recommend it.
ange xx


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## rooneyb (Mar 14, 2011)

Hello Nina, 
I become a mother for the first time at 44 and not one Dr or person questioned my age about it (well not to my face!). It is great and we are planning to revisit the clinic to go for number 2 soon. I do get tired and sometimes wish I was 20 again to cope with the late long nights, but looking at my 8 month old boy, I instantly forget all that. I am by about 15 years, the oldest in our play group of mothers, but again,I am not isolated because of that.

I used Prague Fertility Centre as they specialize in women over 40 and have a guarantee system too.
Good luck with you decision


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## chelz (Mar 29, 2013)

Hi everyone, I'm a little confused ! I am 46 November this year and I have just had my first injection of Buserelin today, on the start of my IVF journey,  here in the North West UK. Obviously I am a private patient but I am having my treatment at one of the best NHS fertility clinics in the UK having the first Eva baby born recently. So to read talk of European clinics has me baffled. Please advice, is it financial benefits or age restriction in and around your region as I am new to this site please excuse.  Good luck Nina.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

lots of people go abroad the main reasons are some treatments/investigations may be hard to access where they live, and financial reasons.. good luck with your buserelin, i have my 11th injection of buserelin today for this my 3rd icsi cycle. i like to have a haribo gold bear after mine do you get a sweet? it's naughty but it gives me something else to think about.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

also for donor eggs/ sperm i think the rules on information access are different abroad i think you are able to have an anonymous donor also if someone lives in a small town they might prefer donor to be from far away to reduce chance of offspring dating siblings if other babies from the same donor live in the same town.


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## chelz (Mar 29, 2013)

Many thanks for clearing my confusion up. I am preparing for IVF using my own eggs (as my consultant is confident) I  left it so long because of two failed marriages, and yes my age was a great concern but my life's dream has been to be a Mum and I am now more ready than I have ever been, so any Ladies out there pondering about age, while your pondering the clock is ticking, Have a try and Best of luck .


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## debbiedo2006 (Apr 24, 2013)

I am 41 and had 3 failed ivf attempts, everything was going well lots of eggs and good embryos put 3 back in the last two times...I am not giving up until we really have no money....I come from a big family of 9 being the second oldest I remember changing the younger ones towelling nappies when they were babies. the thought of never having children didn't really cross my mind....I might give up when I get to 46 and hopefully have chance of adoption. I am sick of being told I am old(that's just in baby terms)don't give up.....please..... everyone on here knows how you feel.....


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## betty21 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hi i also am 45 - 46 in Sept, my husband and I have been trying for 3 years, with no luck, 4 rounds of clomid and still nothing - we was told our only route would be ED so we went to Spain in May for our first appointment, spent the weekend there and all went well, we decided there and then we would go for this. A donor was lined up for us and within 6 weeks we was back. 18 eggs was retrieved from our 20 year old Donor, 14 fertilized, 3 what they called beautiful Embies,3 yet to finish dividing. We had 2 day 3 embies put in - 2ww was better than i thought, i blocked from my mind and only really worried the weekend before my monday testing - couldnt wait any longer so tested a day early and a BFP....So now i am almost 6wks pregnant and now i worry....Having been told that ED Patients are a higher risk of MC, i over analyse every pain and niggle my belly has - just hope it hangs on in there! So Nina just go for it - you are as old as you feel and the way i feel now and the excitement that i feel now for my and my husbands future is amazing! We decided on one maybe 2 trys at this  - we have no frosties as the other 3 didnt make it to blastocyst, so fingers and toes crossed this pregnancy makes it !!


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## mirela (Aug 5, 2013)

I am so glad I found this thread, I had the same question! Will be 45 next week and currently at the tail end of a gruelling year of cancer treatment.  Diagnosed last year right before wanting to start IVF for a sibling for our DD.  Due to aggressive nature of cancer we didn't proceed, now it looks like all will be well and I still have a dream for a second...  Would need DE ofcourse, due to chemo and age.  My family thinks I'm definitely too old now, I couldn't start TTC until next summer so would be 46 by then and DD at least 4 by the time baby 2 arrives.  I am very very conflicted and I do still have time to think this through, but I so want another and while some people say it is irresponsible to make another baby at that age with a history of (breast) cancer I personally think it would be amazing for her to have a sibling *especially* if I don't live a long and healthy life!  Oh and my prognosis is as good as can be, no guarantees ofcourse but chances of recurrence are low.  And my sweet younger cousin has offered to be my egg donor, how special is that!  I appreciate hearing from other ladies who have had their babies after 45, esp a few years into it and if you have more than one.  Positives as well as negatives, having a realistic picture is more motivating to me than a purely rosy one somehow.  It is certainly inspiring to know it can be done, for me it is something more positive to focus on than cancer - I prefer to hang out here than the cancer forums, that's for sure!  
Many thanks to all of you...


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

mirela surely if you use an egg donor then the history of breast cancer doesn't matter since you can't pass it on? and if the worst should happen and the cancer returned (sorry, maudlin discussion) surely better for DD to have a sibling to help her cope? I would say if you're feeling fit and healthy enough at the moment to do it then why not? nobody knows what is around the corner..


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## mirela (Aug 5, 2013)

Thanks Goldbunny, I agree that noone knows what is around the corner and I also believe a sibling would really help!  It is not genetic in my case so I cannot pass it on anyway, but people focus on the fact I now have an increased chance of dying and getting cancer again (even though statistically that is not so likely but you never know).  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard "you should be thankful for your life and the child you DO have, no need to tempt fate! Just be grateful and live your life, you are really to old to think about having another baby!" And when you only hear that side of the story you start believing it.... And for the record I am fit and healthy, noone would guess my age and my oncologist is amazed at how quickly I recovered from chemo and how my body is handling everything else we've done to it.

I am grateful for your voices from the "other side"!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

well i'm pregnant at 43 with what will hopefully become my first child, and it does make you think about how life will be in 20 years... 30 years...it wasn't by choice that this is so late in life but i am aware it's going to be different for a child of mine than it was for me... when i was 10 my parents and grandparents were still all quite young...i'd hope that if i manage to have one child that i would manage to have two, because i think it would be much better for them when i am old...i'd hate to think i burdened them with my old age care, it sounds selfish...


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi Mirela,
I have already posted at the start of this thread but wanted to add that I am 49 in a few months time and am currently in 'advanced negotiations' with my OH about another one  
The difference this time is I KNOW I can do it, so I say to you - go for it !!!
 xx


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

hi Mirela

I had my DE daughter in Feb aged 46 and am LOVING finally being a parent.  I do not feel that I am too old to be a parent and am coping with sleep deprivation etc better than a lot of the new friends I have made through baby groups (all of whom are quite a bit younger than me).  We are definitely going to try for a sibling but my clinic won't let us start until my daughter is 12 months old so I will be 47 and trying for a sibling (who will be born when I am at least 4 and I am really looking forward to it.  I loved being pregnant and my local consultant commented that I was fitter and healthier than many of the women in their 20's.  I also gave birth (ventouse delivery) after a 41 hour labour using only a TENS machine as I am mentally much stronger than I was in my 20's and my body recovered quickly afterwards.  It is definitely down to the attitude.

We were both ready to be parents and really appreciate every moment - if you are physically, mentally and emotionally ready then do it.  I am a much better parent than I would have been in my 20's and possibly 30's and my daughter will be better off for this even if I am not around in her 40's.  My father was 27 when I was born and although fit and apparently healthy, he died at 54 when I was 26 so there are no guarantees anyway.  I always felt loved by him and this is surely the best thing you can pass on to any child.

Do what YOU truly believe is best for you and your family - nobody else knows what that is.

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide 

Morag


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## mirela (Aug 5, 2013)

Thank you ladies, for your inspiring replies! 

@Goldbunny: First of all congrats on the BFP and wishing you an uneventful pregnancy!  I agree with having more than one so they have each other, I try and compensate for the lack of young grandparents by actively working on relationships with younger cousins and nieces/nephews, that way my DD (and possible sibling) will have people of various ages supporting her in life.  I am also very health conscious now, since I need to live to 100 to compensate for starting so late  !

@Bundles: Stop!  You are making the sky seem the limit ! (Thank you!)

@Morag: Thank you for your wise words, I loved your line:  "my daughter will be better off for this even if I am not around in her 40's".  So true - I do not have to be there for her forever (much as I might like to), as long as I parent her well through the important first part of her life.  That really helped me!

I'm so glad I found this community!

Mirela.


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Mirela   I think another thing to add is that no matter how long we are here - and we are already looking after our health more ! Our LO will be set for life. We're not rich by any stretch (who is after ivf   ) but everything is planned with her in mind. And she will be taught everything we know, given everything we can & hopefully have the happiest time   I do know that she couldn't be loved more  
xx


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## Kim01 (Aug 14, 2012)

Hello ladies,
Bundle - nicely said.  I'm in similar situation to you ladies in regard to age. I'm 46 & 3mths now. Had one failed DEIVF (in UK).  Going to Serum for hysto today.  My urge for a baby is stronger than the fear of what other people will say about my age.  I have started to plan for double donation too (in case my two frozen blast doesn't take. when i have it transferred after my hysto).  I mentioned the double donation to my OH (he is undecisive at the moment).  I'm clear in my mind that if I've have to do double donation alone then I will go for it.
Take care ladies.


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi KimT

Wishing all the very best of luck at Serum - let us know how you get on.  I have had nothing but support and kind words with my daughter - my age really doesn't  to even be noticed by anyone (except by one Sainsburys checkout lady who said she was very cute and was I babysitting and when I said she was mine she got really embarrassed).  I think that perhaps we worry about it too much.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way   

Morag


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## Omelette (Nov 28, 2007)

Hi ladies

I came on here today to be reassured by some older mum stories. I'm just over 9 wks now and saw a midwife yesterday and came away quite depressed. I know that over 35 is high risk but she didn't like my asthma, migraines (which I think were perimenopause linked so should not happen now), fact that I got chickenpox as a adult, low BMI (always been the same weight!), the cone biopsy (removal of abormal cells from cervix) 10 years ago and negative blood group (may need an anti-D injection). I'd thought of myself as a fit and healthy gym bunny who eats really well, she even couldn't understand why I'd never conceived naturally. 

I'm sure all these risks can be managed if they ever become an issue but I came away feeling like I'm never going to see this through. Guess I just take it a day at a time.


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Omelette
I'm sorry you came away from your appointment feeling so down and the nurse seems to have been somewhat insensitive (they very often are in my experience).  I'm sure you and your baby will be just FINE!! Please don't worry, especially not after what some nurse says, they often talk like they know everything and you find in reality they know very little. I had my first LO aged 37 and my pregnancy was a breeze.  I did get a bit of asthma half way through in the hayfever season but they managed it with a nebuliser which they lent me to use at home and I only needed it for a few weeks.  DS came out perfect and is now a strapping 7 year old!! Your chickenpox is done and dusted (that's good, means you can't get it again), likewise with the cone biopsy, your BMI has always been stable so can't see how that is a problem and ONE anti-D injection is surely nothing after everything we've been through.  Don't know much about migraines but surely might just be all the drugs?  I had horrendous migraines in one cycle about 5 years ago and nearly had to cancel the cycle.  

Look after yourself and the bubba, ignore the nurse who is just being negative and shouldn't have inflicted this worry on you (I think it's unprofessional apart from being downright mean after what you've been through to even get here) and just relax and enjoy your pregnancy.  I have a really good feeling about it.  LO is still hanging in there, right?!   

ange xxxx


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Omelette - it sounds like you just had a very negative midwife! Mine was lovely at my booking in appointment - I had a huge list of IVF drugs that I was on, I have 2-3 migraines a year, and I've had shingles 3 times, and I'm quite a bit over 35. I'm classed as high risk, but that's due to being over 35 and and IVFer. I was gutted by this at first, as like you I'm pretyy healthy with normal blood pressure and BMI. It's really just a classification that means you'll see a consultant as well as midwives. 

Try not to let the classification worry you and I'm sure the midwives you see at antenatal will be much nicer and much more positive.


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## Omelette (Nov 28, 2007)

Thanks for your support and advice ladies, hope you're all doing well.  Yes, I am being referred to a consultant and at least being aware of the risks means they can be managed so I'm trying to stay positive. The 7 wk 3 day scan was fine, just waiting for the biggie now if and when the appointment comes. 

It was all a bit weird and so different from the private clinic I've been using. I went for bloods weeks ago but she couldn't find the results on my records so I'm still waiting to hear if I have to go do them again, there was also another brief record which had my name and a completely unknown address!  Doesn't really inspire confidence, on the plus side the John Radcliffe Hosp in Oxford where I will go for the scan is supposed to be very good. 

I think the cone biopsy presents the main risk, weak cervix might cause problems if and when baby gets bigger but apparently they can put a 'stitch' in it - ow!


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Omelette - the NHS is VERY different from the private clinics many if us are used to  Expect long waits when you go for appointments and a sort of general confusion. I'm still getting used to it  There's a lady on one of the threads I'm on who's having twins and had a stitch put in. I think she's a few weeks ahead of me.


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## Frapwell (Oct 2, 2013)

Go for it! I'm just about to embark on the ED route too at the age of 45 (46 in March).  I know it's not going to be the easiest of processes and the fact that I can't stick with my clinic of choice as their waiting list is too long makes it challenging but I can't spend my life saying 'what if'.

Good luck

F


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