# Deciding to stop trying for a baby!!!!!!!



## melana

Hi it' s Melana,
I will try and keep my story very short!!!. I've been on so many of you threads over the years.

My husband (30) and I (32) have been trying for nearly (were, sorry force of habit!!) 7 years, there not much wrong with us, the normal my husband has a low sperm count we have not had it re-tested for ages, eventhough we changed our lifestyle that was not really that bad!. My fsh levels are abit high which I only found our recently, but there nothing else that we know of.

The specialist said we should of had at least one pregnancy by now. We had 12 cycles of Clomid and 3 cycles of IUI, which all failed!!. 

We have not done IVF because of money and the thought of it failing, that is alot money to lose. We have thought of adopting again, but I want the pregnancy and the giving birth part and to see what our baby would look like. Adoption cannot give me that!!.

I'm just mentally tired of trying, but it's like I can't stop trying it's really depressing, my heart just won't let go of it!!. 

I forgot to mention that I have 6 years old twins that we adopted, I thought it would take away the need the want the feeling, but NO!!!.

I would like to move on and get some form of life and for me and our family, so anyone can offer a wander drug to make the pain go away that would be great, please let me know. .

Melana


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## Bangle21

Hi Melana

Sorry to hear about where you are with everything at the moment.  its such a difficult decision to make " to stop trying" and I'm not sure, reading between the lines, you are ready to put this huge pressure on yourself?

It's such a HUGE need ...... the desire to be a Mum isn't it?  You mentioned looking for a "wonder drug" because you can't stop "mentally" thinking about it and trying all the time?

I feel exactly the same.  Like you, I think about it 24/7 and its driving me insane as its really taking over my life and turning me into a horrible bitter person and i hate it.  

I too, really, really, really wish I could just take a pill and it would all go away and i could for once, just stop thinking about it ALL THE TIME.

I have decided (after 7 years of telling myself i was coping) to try counselling.  I dont know if it will help - it certainly wont change anything but if it can give me at least a different mindset to help me stop thinking about it and feeling so sad all the time then maybe its worth a try?

I really do wish you all the very best, we've been trying 7 years now aswell and it certainly doesn't get any easier as time goes by.

Lots of love and luck
gill xo


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## Charlies-Mum

We have only just made the decision to have no more treatment and so the emotions associated are very raw. Like you I long to see what our own child would look like, how he/she would develop and grow, but i know that we have reached a point where to continue beating ourselves along the same worn old path would have destroyed us both as individuals and a couple.

I have had counselling (and hynotherapy) for a couple of years and it has certainly helped me to work out what is important to me, and find ways to 'deal' with our IF.

If only there was a magic pill life would be so much easier - thank heavens for FF

Take it easy and try to manage just one day at a time - its the only way I am coping. 
Debs


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## irisheyes

melana, how old were your twins when you adopted them? Were they babies? I have looked after my stepdaughter full time since age 5 (15 in 3 weeks). I would have officially adopted her except her natural mum still sees her (when it suits!! Buggered off to live abroad for a few years) and wouldnt agree to it.

You are right tho that it doesnt stop the yearning.I wonder if i had had her since birth or toddler would it have helped. Thats why i asked what age your twins were. I dont think it would have though as like you what i crave is the actual feelings of pregnancy and giving birth not the rest. When i see older toddlers or young children it doesnt bother me as i have had that phase with my stepdaughter. Its the pg women who cause the pain. xxx I understand


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## astrid

Hi Malena
Thankyou for sharing your everything your difficult time with us, we do really empathise with your situation.
Its such a hard a difficult time and nobody can explain the depths of the IF journey. I am so sorry about the failed treatments, its really hard and painful.
You have so many things going on at the moment and i am sure that you are finding it hard to deal with anything..Coming to a decision to end treatment is a huge step and its never easy to find that acceptance. 
As Gill and Irisheyes have mentioned, it is the desire to have your own children that becomes so overwhelming its almost like a loss..
But maybe Malena you possibly need to take one step at a time...and that is dealing with the sadness of your treatments failing and not going for anymore....maybe find some peace of mind between you and the hubby and that you have both come to the decision that is right for you...it doesn't happen overnight sadly... .
Maybe as Gill says are you really ready to give up? and have you thought about counselling?
The children you have now will not give you that satisfaction at the moment, possibly because you haven't dealt with your own feelings of loss..maybe when you come through this then you will find some peace of mind. Its not easy but i do believe that we are going through a large grieving process and that takes time. But we need to give ourselves permission to feel this loss..
As for forgetting about it and not trying each month i have found that it does get easier with time but theres always going to be this glimmer of hope...so do not feel alone with these thoughts because we are not far behind you...
So Malena be kind to yourself and lift some of that pressure off your heavy shoulders....think of things on a day to day basis....enjoy the little ones but don't feel bad that is 'how you feel' and find away to let those emotions go, you are entitled to feel like this...
Goodluck...
love astridxx


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## melana

Thank you all for your kind words!!! .

It's funny I went to the shops yesterday, I usually see lots of pregnant women and tiny babies in prams, which leaves me feeling empty and upset, but I managed to carry on and just be happy for them!. As I have been trying to grieve for not having a baby for quite a while, it just seems to keep finding me.

Well I went into boots, like normal and right at the back of the store is the baby items, but I needed to get some cream for the kids, but as I got closer I saw something that really upset me and possibly made me realise that you may not be ready to give up it was the silliest thing!. Baby football kit, which I know my husband I would love to put our baby son or daughter in it was soooo cute! (we are not football followers or anything we watch the occasional game).

It just set me back like it always does I can't escape it, no matter how hard I try!!.

Someone asked how old my twins were when we adopted them they were just over a year and half.

I guess like you have all said take it one day at a time, that's what I have been doing, I just want to be pregnant and watch my tummy grow and my little ones to put cream on my bump every morning and watch it move!!!.

How do you begin to accept that it will never or is unlikely to happen! 

I guess I want to live in hope, but at the same time I want to move on as it can and has in the past put a strain on your relationship. I've been with husband for nearly 11 years, so we are quite solid, although we do have our times. He does want a baby as much as I do. He also cooos over babies, babies and children love him he's a giant play toy!!!!.

So really there is nothing we can do, but wait and let time heal you!.

I have had counselling with a friend of mine and hypnotherapy, over a log period of time that is how we became friends, it does nothing for the need, it's just acceptance of life that it does not always go your way, but who decides who can have a baby and who can't GOD, I used to believe there was one, but not so much now!!.

Melana


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## astrid

Hi Malena
I admire your honesty and it takes alot of guts to express your feelings the way you have to us all...
Malena i don't think there are any answers to why who has a child and who does not...Sometimes i battle with these thoughts and i cannot believe the unjustice of it all...I have watched so many women go through hell and after so many years still do not have a child. I find its so unfair!!!...I think whatever path we go down in life and it doesn't matter what crisis it is, there will always be unfairness...what upsets me its always the 'nice ones'....
You sound as if you have a good hubby and a solid relationship so that is a good basis for everything. If you are not ready Malena to give up then you are not. It doesn't matter how much you fight it, maybe the time is not right..I know you have got a long history and its produced alot of pain for you, but you sound as if there is a part of you still needs to carry on......maybe you and hubby need to get out on your own (or stay somewhere for a night) where you can discuss all your options so that you are both satisfied with your decision....and then you have some plan where you are both going or some form of closure...
Goodluck...
love astridxx


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## peaches41

Oh dear Irisheyes!

I was very concerned about one part of your post which said you were not fussed about the toddlers & young kids but just wanted the experience of being pregnant & birth. 

This is a vibe I'm picking up from FF's site in perplexing waves & it frightens me. Could the actuality of maternity compere to your earth-goddess dreams? :--(

Being pregnant is a long, tiring experience, birth is a minefield. Nope, the *real* good bit began when a baby is here, is able to jon the human race.

Babies aren't dolls, just something there for the cuddle-cutesy factor, they grow & it's beautiful to see all of that.

The proudest part of my heart is to see that I grew those children inside of me & now they are part of this world, contributing to it with their love, radiance and energy. That pride supercedes the pride at my pregnancy bump & defnately supercedes the labour & emergency caesarain I finally needed!

I wonder if you have romanticised pregnancy?.....well, all the time you do that you degenerate the importance of the end result. A human being.
Debbie


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## *Kim*

Hi Debbie

I think what Irish eyes was saying is that toddlers dont bother her because she has been through that with her step daughter its the pregnancy and birth that she hasnt experienced and causes her pain to see. I dont think she was romanticising pregnancy & birth just longing for it.

Love kimx x  x


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## emcee

Hi Debbie

I can see your perspective, but I can also see and relate from my own personal experience to Irisheyes too. Interestingly, she has dedicated her life to working with children, as well as bringing up her stepdaughter from an early age, so I have to agree with Kim's comment to you that she is not romanticising pregnancy and birth, she wants to be able to experience it for herself.

Just because someone yearns to have the experience of pregnancy and childbirth doesn't mean they are demeaning human beings, far from it. Its something that is natural for a woman to go through, and to not be able to attain this with a partner whom you love very much is heartbreaking and devastating, and has repercussions throughout your whole life.

I'm not saying that any of us have the god given right to have kids either, because you're right, they aren't dolls and they are not a commodity, and it is wonderful to see them grow and develop their own little personalities...

It just hurts so much when the path to parenthood is not straightforward and all the choices are taken away from us. or there is a possibility they will be totally lost to us in the biological parenting stakes, and its a lot to come to terms with.

Love
Emcee x


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## astrid

Hi Debbie
In reply to your posting i do understand your points of view on life and having children. Yes you are right they are beautiful human beings and not commodity factors...and i wish everyone in this world thought along those lines as well...
I know that Irisheyes was talking from a standpoint of having a step daughter whom she loves and cares about. However the yearning for her own child is a natural feeling and she would give anything to be in that fortunate position. Thats not to take away the feelings and love for her step daughter its just a different issue.
Most of us on this thread have been full circle through the IF journey and for most of us its the end of the road. We are not fortunate to have any of own children and we would give anything just to be in that world. Our fantasy of having babies and children are just a far distant painful dream and it has nothing to do with romanticised pregnancies but a whole load of loss.
Regards astridx


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## irisheyes

All i will say in response to peaches' comment is you are very lucky !!! I would love to be in your position!!!


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## Bangle21

Ditto Irish Eyes, Astrid, Emcee & Kim!!

I'm sorry to throw a spanner in the works here but I can't understand Debbie's perspective.  I actually find it a little contractidory.

I think the comment that women are "romantacising pregnancy" after having gone through the hell of years of heartache, when hopes and dreams suddenly fail through difficult fertility treatments (again and again and again)  - to leave us devastated, confused and terrified of the future, is absolutely ludicrous and frankly, quite offensive!

Even Professor Robert Winston acknowledges that the need to nurture our own biological child is the most natural and genetically engrained feeling in world for women.  We have no control of this.  Our genes have already decided this is the path we will want to take.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but for someone who already has children, and who will never feel this pain, I can't take this comment  seriously as people who are lucky enough to have children will never understand.  Their choices have not been taken away from them.

Of course, it is about the need to nurture "a child" and watch it grow but it's also about fulfilling the "natural" dream of having a child together, with the partner whom you love very much and which you have probably talked about and dreamed about even before trying to get pregnant.  So I dont get this theory.  Why CANT it be about the excitement of the pregnancy test, watching the scans together, feeling your baby kick, and the sheer joy (yes, obviously after alot of pain and hard work!!!) of giving birth to it "together"?  What is so wrong and selfish about that??

It is a shame you found pregnancy to be a "long and tiring experience" .  I find it extremely patronising that we should all be "generalised" as regarding "babies as dolls with the cuddle-cutsey factor!!!  

Debbie, How can you say we are "degenerating the importance of the end result" when you have just said "The proudest part of my heart is to see that I grew those children inside of me ...."

I feel it is this attitude that makes infertility all the more harder than it already is.

Sorry for the rant ......  But things are still very raw and sensitive for me at the moment.
Thank you for the debate
Gill xo

PS.  I thought this site was supposed to be about support?


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## peaches41

Hello Gill, Irisheyes, Astrid,

I am sorry if I offended you or unwittingly patronised you but I would still remain concerned about anyone who craved the pregancy or the birthing experience more than the rearing of the child.

My twin pregnancy WAS a huge strain. You may be surprised at how often women have to go it alone! At least 85% of my scans were faced alone. You are pre-supposing that a pregnancy will need a scan only every, say, fortnight, when husband can accompany you? But you can't presuppose a thing! I was fertile, healthy & young but still was hospitalised due to dehydration (I had extreme sickness) and then again when my blood pressure rose.

I wished to God someone had prepared me for the solitude of pregnancy. It wasn't a shared experience at all! what it came down to was DH can be there to the death but only you can bring forth life. I remember the delivery room & the feeling that I had climbed the biggest mountain ALONE & now could, finally, relax.

There was only one woman there who had a baby after 10 years of fertility treatment, she wouldn't hold her baby & couldn't bath him & even though I had had an emergency section & was quite weak she often would ask me to look at her son & check on him. When I asked her what was wrong she said _"it's nothing like I expected it to be". _ I was dumbstruck! I said i was so relieved to have had the kids & she said _"I'd have liked to have stayed pregnant forever"_

Well, she was a one-off, I guess, but it made me wonder what the craving is actually for. Desire for conception may be hardwired into us but the desire to nurture has to take us far, far beyond that point. THAT is what I was trying to say in my post.
Debbie


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## astrid

HI Peaches 
Thankyou for getting back to us to explain your feelings and what you were trying to put across to us all...i respect what you are saying. I have also heard many stories similiar to your own experience, as well as my own friend having a baby after a longtime, to deal with the fact that it wasn't what she had expected but when you are sitting on the other side of the fence, its hard for us in a childless position to begin to understand. We would give our right arm just to have experienced something. We would all have to face the consequences that go with it and as individuals we would love to have a baby, infant, teenager, adult that will take us through our lives.....but only then can we truly question the whole dynamics of bringing children into the world...
Its like anything in life we crave even more for the things we cannot have and its not until you are faced with a childless future that you start to begin to understand what it all means? responsibility, the whole new different way of life and of course the commitment of it all..
For many of us sadly we will not even experience the joys of pregnancy and nurturing a human being through life.......but i do understand when you say about the desire to nurture takes us far beyond a pregnancy, thats a healthy and spiritual outlook on life and i am sure we would all agree with that thought........
Take care
Astridx


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## Bangle21

Hi Debbie

I have just come back from my 1st session with a counsellor and feel a bit more calm.

I am sorry if I mis-interpreted what you were trying to say and if i came across a bit strong.  Its all these hormones, and hopes and disappointments - they are so hard to deal with.

So, apologies again if i have upset you by my posting earlier.

Love to all
Gill xo


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## emcee

Hi everyone

Going from Debbie's comments about the solitary journey of pregnancy, I have also found IF to be a solitary journey too. I have had many years of walking this path alone, because its the hidden heartache with reminders about what you will never have permeating into every aspect of your life. As healed as I am now I still get those walloping heart wrenching moments that leave me gasping for breath. That's part of the journey.

And thinking about the lady who was in hosptial with Debbie whom had had 10 years of IF - sadly its quite common for ladies who have been through IF to suffer with PND. I know my clinic warned me of this when I was going through my IVF treatments. I've spoken to many ladies whom have managed to get successfully pregnant after treatment and they have all been in a total state of disbelief, and not quite wanting to give themselves over to the idea of actually acheiving a successful pregnancy because of past failures etc.

You mentioned the words earth mother Debbie, that is something I always thought I would be. I never thought I would have to go through all the crap I've been through in the pregnancy/trying to get pregnant  stakes and still be childless at 38. When you go through all the clinical aspects of treatment its about as far removed from being an all natural earth mother as you'll ever get!

Thanks for giving me the space to air my views ladies.
With love
Emcee x


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## Charlies-Mum

Can I jut ad another point of view please (I don't want to open another can of worms though  )

I have been pregnant for over five months. I had one of the worst outcome possible for a pregnancy - a dead child. I don't romanticise the idea of being pregnant - I know what its like to feel tired, sick, lose sight of your feet, have back ache so bad you con't lie down, sit or stand ,and generally want it all to be over. I also know what it is like to give birth and to feel the hormone rush associated with it (and the pain) - I definately know the 'real' side of pregnancy. I certainly don't romanticise it.

BUT a part of me still craves and yearns to be pregnant again, to feel another human being grow inside of me. As animals our primary natural focus is to procreate - why is wanting to feel that way wrong? I dont think it is.

Debbie - You are looking back on your experience with the hindsight of someone who is a natural mother, who has been through a successful pregancy. For the ladies on this board this is something we will not get to experience (unless a miracle happens!). I look at my pregnanct friends and even though I made the decision to stop, I still look at them and wish it was me so I could experience a positive pregnancy instead of trying to remember a few good bits from my time with Charlie.

Debs


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## Suzie

Debs  

xx


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## irisheyes

from me too debs!!! xxx


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## emcee

Big huge  from me too Debs xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## astrid

Hi Debbie
I know this is so tough for you at the moment......thinking of you!!!
Love Astridxxx
p.s terrible but i am not sure how to send you a hug as the other girls have (i am rubbish when it comes to computers).....but i would like to send you a big hug too.....x


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## wynnster

From Astrid   (and Me xxx)


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## Bangle21

Hi luvlies!!

I would like to send a BIG HUG to all of you lovely girls on this board, having unfortunately been faced with judgemental comments about something that really hurts us all.

............. so here goes  *GROUP HUG!!!* ... and here here to support, not judgement.

Love to all
Gill xo


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## emcee

Here here Gill! Big hugs right back atcha!

Emcee xxxxxxxx


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## astrid

Thanks Kimmy    
You are such a sweety.....i think you need to give me a lesson in computers, whilst having a bottle of wine or two!!!!!!
Its so good to know we are all firmly together.....xxx

love astridxx


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## 69chick

Hi all  

came across your thread while surfing, and I have to say, after 6 failed ICSI txs, only someone who has had lots of disappointments would even begin to know how you all feel, and even then, I haven't got the guts yet to say 'no more'; you are all much stronger than me  

This site has always been so supportive for me, but even I was hurt by what 'felt' like a judgemental comment. I know you have views/thoughts peaches, but these girls are hurting like you will NEVER know. Please don't judge/comment on something we don't know about. We don't have the experience of what these girls have gone/going thru. They have given up on the hope of having their own flesh and blood.

I hope noone else adds to your unbearable pain girls. You are all such fighters xxx

Hugs to all on this thread - you are in my thoughts, on this day, in particular x

Lisa x


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## astrid

Thankyou Lisa
What a thoughtful and kind posting!!!!
You sound like a real fighter and i would say very brave..
all the best..
love astridxx


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