# Ecomap of support



## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Sorry me again   this might be a habit as we travel the road of adoption. I don't know anyone who has been through this so am lost for support.

I'm doing the support ecomap in preparation of our first sw home visit and have concerns that we will fall down on our support network. We have my mum and sister who live walking distance of our house and with whom we are both close but dh does not have that relationship with his. Tbh he is 1 of 4 kids (only boy and eldest with 2 being 10 yrs younger) and recently they have just not been there for him. He rarely sees them anymore even though he tries as he has a 7yr son whom they just never want to see. One sister lives 10 mins drive the others about 20mins as does his mum and stepdad. They never call to see ss unless its a family event. I think with his sisters it's the age gap and his mum is just not maternal really. We are quite insular and met late in life(mid 30's) so don't have many joint friends as they all have kids and have moved on.

Is the support network a deal breaker? As I assume that as people develop networks/bonds through NCT or toddler groups we will develop close friendships with others that we'll meet as a result of having a child/children of the same age. My mum says that I'm over worrying but it's a real concern.

Sorry for my ramble but I just want to be a mummy and keep seeing this chance slip through my fingers.

Xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Social Services are very big on this, but it doesn't have to be immediate family, and you can get round most things I think.  For example we included some of my work colleagues, our next door neighbour who we're not close to but do speak to when we see them, and they would certainly help us out in an emergency and make an effort with our daughter.  

You need to pick and choose who you put on there carefully.  Our family and most of our closest friends all live some distance away, and SS can be a bit luke warm about long distance support, although we did include them on our ecomap.  I explained many times my M-I-L would drop everything and come if we needed her to, but they weren't having it, so we also included more on local people (work colleagues, neighbours etc), who we could ask for help, but in reality when we did need someone to come up in an emergency, my M-I-L came.  You can get involved with your surestart centre and use that for support.  I would point out SS never spoke to any of them other than our referees.

Your husband's family not being very helpful isn't a big problem if he gets on with your family.  Having your Mum and Sister walking distance away is a big, big plus and Social Services will like that a lot, that should make up for his family not being that available.

We were told to think about who we would go to in what circumstances, and what type of support they might give, whether it's social, emotional, practical.

Good luck with your meeting.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Wyxie gives good advice..
dont forget your support network can include online support (here! and AUK message boards maybe?)
can you start to get more friendly with your neighbours??


kj x


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Thanks ladies you've given great advice.

One set of neighbours are retirement age and live in America for 3 months of the year the others are for want of a better word a bit weird. We've tried to speak over the years but its always a quick hello and that's it. Ill definitely put here down and adoption uk I want to see if there are any an local meet ups just like this site has so i can get to meet potential adopters. i found the local IF group on here was great and have made a true friend from it whom i see regularly. 

It's a great idea to think about an emergency and tbf that would always be my mum - she is my rock still even at 39. You've definitely eased my mind and yes our LA only meets 3 referees one of which will be my twin sister. 

Thank you v v much  

X


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi 
Agree with all that has been said and would just encourage you to include your separate friends, don't worry about them not being joint. My sw was biggest on close practical help (of which just had a couple of family members too) but after that she was also keen to see we had friends for emotional or social support. Ie. you couldn't ask them to babysit perhaps but you could get out for a drink with them or call for a whinge. And it shows you aren't entirely reliant on each other if you have distinct friends.

Good luck. 
Gettina


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi Vickytick  

Some great advice already given, but just thought I'd throw in our limited experience. We have only had 1 x 3hr initial meeting with a social worker and she did ask about local support & who we could reply on in an emergency as our family are about 1.5hrs away (though would be here in a shot in an emergency too). We mentioned both neighbours (1 lot are in 70's, the other mid 40's with 2 young girls) and the SW mention having a retired couple next was great as they are around quite alot - so don't mention yours go away for 3 months of the year  We also we have older friends in our village (man retired about 65 & lady self employed who works from home about 60) who we only see every couple of months, but we mentioned they are always around (ie no commitment to working Mon-Fri) and the SW loved this too. Plus I mentioned a couple of work colleagues. I know we only had to verbally talk about it at this stage, but the SW did seem satisfied, so I think you can be alittle creative  

Good luck in your HS.

Lizard xxx


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Last night with dh I talked about this all and gave examples of who we could put. The emergency thing really put it into perspective tbh. I said to dh if we had an emergency right now who would you call, even though we had ss it'd be my family never his anyway even before the latest 'disagreement). Then who he would turn to for advice or help or who I offload to. I think I will put the neighbours as they would help in an emergency. 

Good advice as usual from this section. Xx


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