# Help please - how can I move forward?



## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Hi ladies,

Oh dear, just got off the phone to my Dr and he has confirmed that he has once again taken my case to their board of decision makers and they have decided that they don't want me to egg share again because based on my low numbers (last time 8 eggs collected) and AMH (3. so in all liklihood this is the end of free IVF and egg freezing for me. This was incredibly different to January (15 eggs and AMH 12). 

My love life has taken a huge turn ... not sure if this was for the better or worse but I am now categorically single after a 4 year relationship. It is such early days in dating (and I miss and love my ex like mad) but I really want to meet Mr Right. To go down the SMC route is scary, so so scary, and I believe with all my heart that I am a good partner / girlfriend / dare I say it wife and that surely I WILL meet someone wonderful, he is just around the corner.. And I am 34 and a half, I am not over the hill but the bloomin hill is looming and this whole AMH thing is awful and so depressing it makes me want to cry. So far Mr Right has been elusive but all my energies are focused on looking for him (I know, I know!). I kind of feel like the dating will have a positive outcome but I can't count on it so I need to set all my other contingency plans in place.

My Dr was asking would I be in a position in say 6 months to pay for my own cycle to freeze but I said to be quite honest I would rather save my money for when I am actually trying to become pregnant as the freezing is all well and good but the stats of using frozen eggs are nowhere near as good as a regular IVF cycle. It is not as if I have thousands of pounds stashed away anyway, I would have to save up. 

So then.. he asked me would I be in a financial position to try with DS in 12 months? TWELVE MONTHS. My God. Well, I could save up, it could be done but emotionally... no idea... could I cope on my own... no idea... I have only been living on my own for two months, up until then I have always been with someone looking after me. I'm capable and determined as hell, no doubt about it, but I have so many doubts as to my own resilience just to survive, earn enough money to pay the rent/mortgage, work full time or more or less, and look after someone else on my own. My Mum and Dad are lovely but live close to 2 hours away and it is very doubtful they would play much of a role. My sister is in Bristol also 2 hours away so my "network" is not exactly great.

My sister is 32, 6 months pregnant and married and she thinks I am completely nuts even to consider SMC as an option citing people she knows who are older and have kids. But I did point out she doesn't know how long it took them, how many miscarriages they had or if it cost them thousands in fertility treatment! 

The next bit from the Dr went as follows. Well, if you find Mr Right you should try naturally for 4-6 months maximum then go straight to IVF as he would not want me to wait any longer. Christ, talk about clarity. I genuinely feel the fear right now. Does anyone remember the Aids tombstone as it fell over? It is that momentous. I am usually a very positive person but I am struggling to turn this around in my head.

I really don't know what to do. I am thinking I might see if there are any other clinics who might allow me to egg share/freeze with my results. But as one has turned me down, possibly not.

With the current Dr he wants to monitor the AMH every 6 months - seems like a very good idea to me and review the situation in a year.

Thoughts / views / hugs all most welcome xxx


----------



## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Ah hun         . Getting a phone call like that is bound to send you into a spin, give yourself time to process what he said and hopefully a path will become clearer for you. Not sure what else to suggest right now as it seems that you don't have to make a decision right this moment but am sending lots of hugs      


bingbong x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

natclare sorry to hear about your call. Have you thought about Mr Right meeting you after you had a baby- if he was Mr Right then he would take you both!
I wish I had started earlier- I started at 37 and nearly 44 and still childless.
l


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Ah natclare that's a horrible situation to be in. But try to look at the one positive - at least you have the knowledge about your fertility unlike the majority of women who live in blissful ignorance that they have all the time in the world to get pregnant.

I think if I were in your shoes I would give myself the next 12 months to try everything possible to find Mr Right, keep monitoring the AMH and then re-assess at the end of that 12 months. If still single or not with anyone suitable after that year, I think you need to have the very hard conversation with yourself about how important having kids is to you. It is obvious that it is very important otherwise you wouldn't have split up with your bf recently, but I think you'd feel better having given yourself some time to pursue the traditional route to motherhood. You will also have that year to get used to living by and supporting yourself. Hopefully you'll also not be feeling so raw after your break-up.

I think in 12 months time you'll be able to look at the decision with much more clarity.


----------



## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Natclare, sorry you had to have a grim conversation with your consultation.    I'm a little confused though.  My following points refer to the logic behind your consultant's advice as opposed to your emotional turmoil concerning going it alone.  I had understood that for IVF cycles generally, clinics wanted a response of between 8 and 15 eggs - which you have achieved even on your latest cycle.  As a recipient, the clinic that treated me was looking for a minimum of 8 eggs from my donor (4 for her, 4 for me).  This also makes you far from a poor responder, regardless of your AMH level (which not all clinics pay attention to).  Moreover, you may have a low ovarian reserve but it's the quality of your eggs that matters.  Since you have achieved the numbers required, is there more of an issue with the quality as opposed to the number of eggs you are producing?  The best indicator of quality is, of course, pregnancy.  I'm not sure whether or not you have heard from the clinic how successful your recipients have been?  I know the clinic I was at would only allow someone to egg share a couple of times unless at least one of the recipients had fallen pregnant.  Without knowing about the quality of your eggs, and based simply on the number of eggs you have produced, I would be surprised if there weren't other clinics that at least would give you a further cycle of egg sharing tx, allowing you to increase the number of eggs you currently have vitrified.  


A couple of friends of mine have done the "dating for mating" game successfully, having treated it pretty much as a job until they reached their objective.  Both are now married and both have kids.  What both did that I thought was sensible though was set an age deadline by which, if they hadn't met someone, they would go it alone.  It was one of these women who set me off down my own path to motherhood.  Your AMH levels notwithstanding, setting an age or time deadline would probably be smart.


Finally, going it alone might not be for you, now or ever.  But at least you have the option of doing so and in a country where it is socially and legally acceptable. If having children is so important to you, I suspect you will jump whatever hurdles are put in front of you, with or without a partner.  But only you can make that ultimate decision.   


A-Mx


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Nat, 
oh huge    hun, that must have been a terrible shock to hear it so bluntly put   

Wise words from caramac there though. Far better to be armed with the knowledge now than to discover it too late - once you are over the shock you will have time to make plans, whatever those may be. I think your doctor has done you a favour by being so honest. Too many of them beat around the bush when actually you just need to know where you stand so you can work out what to do next

I know it must be difficult when this is such recent news, and coming on top of your recent break-up it must be twice as hard, but I agree with Caramac you need to give yourself some time to let the dust settle, and to see what happens with the dating. Also agree with JJ that having a child doesn't necessarily mean you'll never have a partner/be a wife. Perhaps you won't be doing things in the 'traditional' order that you'd have liked, but as you say yourself, you're relatively young, so plenty of time to meet someone - and if they are the right someone then they will gladly accept you + baby/child for sure. 

Always hard when siblings (or indeed friends/family) make well meaning comments about people they know who have had children late in life. The fact is that whilst some women are very lucky and still conceive naturally in their 40s, many do not, and you've been given clear indication by professionals who know about this stuff, that you will likely be one who does not. So try to ignore what others say (easy for them to comment when they are not in your shoes) and instead focus on what is right for you

It may seem terrifying right now, but rest assured that you would be just fine doing it on your own (if that's the decision you come to) - as you say yourself, you are capable and determined. And whilst you don't have family close by, I'm sure you have friends and you will make new friends when pregnant/with a young baby, and of course you have us   

And building on Inde's comments, I certainly wouldn't rule out a second opinion/consultation with another clinic, just to get their views. It does seem that the signs are there that your ovarian reserve is diminishing, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't get pregnant naturally...and 8 eggs is still a pretty good response as Inde says. 

Counselling may help? Possibly too far for you to get to, but I can recommend an excellent fertility counsellor in Aldershot - PM me if you want details. She's brilliant and really helped me when I was working out my options (both fertility and otherwise...)

So sorry you're having to deal with this on top of the relationship break up   Thinking of you,
Suitcase
x


----------



## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Natclare -     it's so so hard when doctors give you those sort of deadlines.  I agree with the advice given so far.  You need to do some real soul searching about exactly what you want from life and how far your willing to go to get it.  I had the very mixed blessing of knowing I had fertility problems from the age of 30.  I really think that knowledge helped to doom my internet dating career  .  I wasn't looking for a partner I was looking for someone to have a baby with.  I had desperate stamped on my forehead.  ''Fancy a round of IVF?' is never going to be a good chat up line.  The nice guys I met wanted (quite understandably) to have fun, to live abroad for a while, to see the world... all things I would have been up for if I hadn't got this ticking time bomb inside me    That said the knowledge did help me reach the conclusion that I could live with out a partner but I would find it incredibly hard to live with the regret of not even trying to have a child.  I can honestly say I haven't regretted my decision for a nano second.  It absolutely terrifies me that I could have wasted a second more time and missed my chance to be a mother.  My parents also live quite a distance from me (my mother could wax lyrical about the inconvenience this causes her   )  but I've coped and loved every minute.  I'm now planning on having fun and seeing the world with my daughter  .  I haven't got the slightest inclination to look for a partner    It really is such a personal decision, don't let doctors or family pressurise you either way.  For me the eventual decision was easy, I wanted a child more than anything else, the partner had just become the means to get one - which wouldn't have been fair on him or the child.  
Upsyxxx
also agree with Suity that counselling can be a great help


----------



## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Indekiwi: yes my first recipient was successful but miscarried and I was told all along that the egg quality was good. With regard to my second cycle, we are still waiting as it was July so a bit early to tell. I actually forgot to ask today as it was all me-me-me but I might call up and ask again. I would want to know of course. I am at the Lister and just emailed LWC. Is there anywhere else people could recommend? I love the phrase dating and mating by the way and I am resolutely positive with more dates this week! Thank God for the Internet in many ways and thank you all so much for your support, it means so much. X


----------



## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Huge hugs NC

I know you are in a very confusing place right now let alone with all this to deal with.

At this point you are definitely not ready to make any big decisions.  

You are still relatively young and I agree with Caramac that you really should wait until you are in a more settled place.  I would definitely go get a second opinion and give yourself 6 months before you get retested.

I know how hard it is when family aren't being that supportive but that WILL change should you choose the SMC route.

Re dating - as Inde points out it does work and sometimes I think being open with these men is better as it saves finding out the hard way!

Should you choose to eventually go down the SMC route - I have absolutely no doubt you will cope brilliantly!  You just do and theres every chance you could still meet the man of your dreams.

I was in your position once - (without the low AMH and long break-up) and having my DD was the best thing I did!  

It is a MASSIVE decision as you know - and such a scary one to make on your own.

After you get your second opinion if it's the same - hopefully in a year you will be in a better place to move forward.

Looking forward to seeing you at the meet xx


----------



## Bambiboo (Oct 23, 2009)

Natclare - just wanted to offer hugs and say take your time hun. Don't make any rash decisions, take some time out do any choice you make is clear.  

If you want a second opinion try CARE, I found them to be excellent.

For what it's worth, I do think whilst you are still upset about your ex, having treatment may not be ideal. Yiu need all your emotional strength and positivity for treatment.

Xxx


----------



## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies. I have already said that it means so much but it really does. So I have now discovered that pretty much my AMH is a barrier to being an egg sharer again. I emailed practically all clinics in London and the South East yesterday and all the ones that have replied so far have said they require an AMH of over seven or eight. Since mine is three point eight, no matter that presumably the egg quality is good they say no to egg sharing again. I am of course massively grateful I was allowed 2 cycles free of charge this year. Clearly I could have a cycle or multiple cycles myself but the cost is really high. The best solution I have found cost wise and London based is LWC who do a 3 cycle package for freezing although I am looking at a substantial cost of £6000 plus drugs. Part of me is seriously tempted to go down that route but I think I would be giving myself false hope really of thinking I had years to meet a man with my eggs on ice when in reality the chances of the frozen eggs working are pretty low and it is all such a gamble. Arghhh!! But anyway, no I am not rushing in to anything but I would like a plan... So far this is AMH retest in Feb-2013 when I will be 35 and then in August 2013. In between, date and mate. It sounds so easy when it is not at all! Someone send me a chill pill


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

natclare - could you have your AMH tested again now just to be sure. There is always a chance that the latest result is off and if it is the only barrier to getting more free egg sharing cycles it's worth a try? Most private clinics, i.e. BUPA will do a test (for a fee obviously - but it's only about £50 I think).


----------



## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Hi Natclare - sending big hugs hun. Can I suggest an additional option to consider.... I know you have eggs on ice but as you already know, the chances with frozen eggs aren't high (I know from personal experience using frozen eggs from a very young donor). Could you continue with your date and mate strategy, hoping that you'll meet someone, but in paralllel save up for a cycle of IVF where you create some embryos using donor sperm and then freeze them? This way, if you meet someone, fantastic, and if you need to use the frozen eggs with your partner, then you have them, but if you don't meet someone, you have some embies frozen before your AMH gets to a critical level and your egg quality is still good - and the success rates for transfers using frozen embies are good and the technology tried and tested in the UK? This way you have all your potential options covered and you'd be maximising your chances whichever way your future might go?
Thinking of you as you get your head around next steps    

Rose xx


----------

