# How do you decide about having a sibling?



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

So, little pink has been with us for just over a year. She's now 22 months and an absolutely delight. She's bright, healthy, funny and mischievous. I've just gone back to work 3 days a week which has been a bumpy ride as I really didn't want to go back. Little pink has been ill for the past 3 weeks, developed a rash on the morning of my first day back to work which meant I had to collect her from nursery 20 minutes after she'd been dropped off and I was over 2 hours late for work as had to take her to Drs, then in my second week this week, have had to take today off as hubby working away and little pink still ill. She's much better this afternoon and just when I was starting to relax, we get an email from our social worker to say birth mum has attended hospital 35 weeks pregnant having concealed the pregnancy and do we want to be considered if adoption is the plan??!! 😳
We always knew this could be on the cards given the history but I didn't really think it would actually happen. I love being a family of 3 and as awful as it sounds, I hate that we're in this position. That's not something that I say lightly because I know there are a lot of people who would jump at this chance without a second thought, but I just don't know if it's right for us or not. I'm worried about our age - I'm 43 hubby is 52 - and whether physically we can cope with another littlie (pink was 9 months when she came home), financially we would struggle with 2 lots of nursery fees and I don't know if I could cope with 2. None of these reasons are ones that I could justify to little pink as ones why we didn't want her sibling. I'm sure everyone considering a second child has similar worries, particularly in connection with money but how do you know if it's the right thing for your family without being able to try it out (which clearly you can't do!!). My head it totally battered! I'm going to ring our social worker tomorrow and say we want to be considered because I think at the very least, we need to know more information about bm's circumstances and if anything has changed. If it hasn't I have a feeling things could move quite quickly which scares me a lot.
Any advice on how you made a decision to take a sibling would be greatly appreciated 😊


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Big hugs!  No one can tell you how you should feel, and it's perfectly normal to be upset and discombobulated.  I've not been in this position, but I think I'd be doing some detailed budgeting, taking into account adoption leave, how old your LO would be in relation to free nursery hours etc, and how long you'd be on a tight budget for until she goes to school.  I'd also be quite honest with SW about your fears.  The thing about money worries is that a) they can eclipse everything else and b) they're actually less important than the other considerations, but we give them more weight.  :-/

So.... ask yourself what your answer would be if it weren't for finances, then, if it would be yes, see if you can come up wih a plan to manage the financial side, and explain to your SW that being able to provide for two might be a problem.    

Sometimes impossible things aren't impossible at all. 

Equally, if the answer's no, then write down your thoughts and feelings now for your daughter's memory box, and be at peace.  Nobody says you have to, and as BM is probably likely to do this again, then a 'no' may well be in your future anyway.

Good luck!  Please don't feel bad.  (((((hugs))))


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Hi SQu9, that is a relatively small age gap. There are 18 months between Pixie and his next oldest birth sister and 29 months between her and the sister above. If adopters no. 1 had taken them all then they would have three children of 6, 3.5 and 2 which would be a very different experience for all. As it is all three children are the adored onlies of each of their families and we have agreed to begin direct contact next year. I think that has actually been better for all three who have had the focussed attention of their families. Your main question is whether this is right for your family and your bubba at this point and I hope my story gives you permission not to feel guilty if you don't go ahead. That child could still have a lovely family and you can do contact.

That said, if you want to do this, I hear your concerns but I reckon planning would over come most of those.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Firstly you need to give yourself a bit of time. Finding out just 5 weeks before the birth is really going to mess with your head.

Only you know if it is right for you to stay as a family of 3 or if you can handle more but please don't do it because you feel you should. One happy and well adjusted child is much better than 2 who you are struggling to cope with - everyone is different and you need to think about yourself and husband.

In terms of finances your 15 free hours should kick in at 2 years old - I know I am factoring this into being able to afford nursery fees as there is only a short time I will have to pay for 2 at full price.

Good luck whatever you decide.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We found out about our ds having a sibling on the day they were born! We were told that bm would be assessed again but it was highly likely that baby would be placed for adoption and we would be first choice. This gave us sometime to think before we got the call to say the assessment wasn't going well and the plan was adoption.

F2A wasn't an option for us for a variety of reasons but we wouldn't have considered it anyway. It wouldn't have been fair on our eldest who was 3 at the time.

Our assessment was far shorter. We had 3 sessions, medicals and dbs checks. Our references were re visited but it was fairly painless and quick. We were approved and matched at the same panel which was a breeze compared to first time. Once we started home study we had several short visits to baby and fc. Our eldest came with us on each visit other than the first one.

From starting home study to day of placement took 3 months. Lo was 8 months old but in that time ss had re assessed bm, got a placement order, done our home study and planned intros. Pretty impressive given no one knew bm was pregnant and lo was early.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your advice - it's really helped put things into perspective. I've spoken to sw today - BM went to hospital as she thought she was in labour. She wasn't and presumably they've measured the baby and determined she's about 35 weeks. She's given first name of dad (different name to the one she gave for little pink) but no other details and sounds like unless she produces an actual person and address for them, they won't do a detailed assessment of her as nothing changed but I presume they still have to do something. I've told our sw all of our concerns and asked whether there would be any possibility of help with nursery fees if lo came to us which she's going to ask about. They are keen on fostering to adopt from hospital but I said we wouldn't consider that because little pink is quite unsettled with starting nursery at the minute. SW as always gets where we're coming from and understands our concerns. So now it's a question of waiting to see what happens in the next few weeks and once we know what the position is with dad and assessments, we will see how we feel with all the facts. Shame I'm absolutely pants at being patient!   xxx


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

The assessment of birth mum will depend on how long ago the last one was. Ours had gone over the time period but I can't remember how long it is. I want to say 2yrs but not sure if that's right.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

The PO for our LO was granted in August and Bm's next is due in 2 weeks - this is her 5th child and they are still trying her in a mother and baby unit. The IRO had previously implied there was no chance this would happen but I think SW's really have to show the courts they have tried everything so don't be surprised if she is assessed again.

To be honest it it give you a bit of time to get your head around things and work out how to deal with it. One piece of advice I would give and I am really jumping the gun here but if you are on adoption leave again I would not take your little girl out of nursery fully - one you don't want to lose the place and secondly it will be harder for her to start again. I was in this position a few years ago and managed to hold my sons place by still putting him in on a very part time basis - I think it helped him overall but obviously there is a balance to achieve here.


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

We were in exactly the same position, we were told about 2 months ago that BM was pregnant again, we asked for details about due date and whether BF was the same, then a couple of weeks later we got the call to say she'd given birth and would we consider ! Well, we're both the wrong side of 45 and LO is only 2, been home a year now and I'd just gone back to work.  Our biggest concern was our LO, with his history we worried that he may not "share" us, we took weeks to decide, we were even offered to start contact with sibling to see how they got on, but that would not work as I'd fall in love! 

Our heads we're saying no, our hearts were screaming YES, we spoke to family and friends and our SW on numerous occasions, worked out finances, I checked out work, but ultimately we kept coming back to our LO.  We eventually made our decision and we said no, it makes us feel very sad, however we could only make our decision on the here and now and our LO needs us to himself right now.

I love the idea of writing down our emotions and reasons for his memory box!  We talked for hours over how to explain if we said no, as we could have been denying him the opportunity to grow up with a full sibling, unfortunately I'm estranged from my brother, have been for the last 32 years, so also know first hand how it can all go horribly wrong.

We've asked for direct contact, however we're still waiting for his older half siblings parents to make arrangements, we've sent letter/pictures but so far nothing, which makes me sad, but I'm hopeful that it will happen in the future.

We feel at peace with our decision now, as like you, we love our family of 3, it's perfect. 

Hugs xx


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## bulmer (Sep 5, 2010)

We adopted 2 LO's together 2 years ago and have recently been approached about taking a third 4 month old sibling.  Like you we had to consider the finances but more than that we had to consider the impact on our 2. The LA were happy to offer some financial support and make the assessment as quick and easy as possible - they were offering us contact before and throughout the assessment. We also had to think about our ages and the future of all 3 children. Our hearts said yes as we had always wanted siblings but our heads said no and sadly our heads won.  Our LO are out of area placement and the LA are going to try to place within the same area (county not town) so we can arrange future direct contact as they grow up.  However hard it is we feel we made the best decision for the family we have now and that's all you can do.  Good luck whatever you choose x


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## bulmer (Sep 5, 2010)

We adopted 2 LO's together 2 years ago and have recently been approached about taking a third 4 month old sibling.  Like you we had to consider the finances but more than that we had to consider the impact on our 2. The LA were happy to offer some financial support and make the assessment as quick and easy as possible - they were offering us contact before and throughout the assessment. We also had to think about our ages and the future of all 3 children. Our hearts said yes as we had always wanted siblings but our heads said no and sadly our heads won.  Our LO are out of area placement and the LA are going to try to place within the same area (county not town) so we can arrange future direct contact as they grow up.  However hard it is we feel we made the best decision for the family we have now and that's all you can do.  Good luck whatever you choose x


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks everyone   xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We found out about eldest sibling on matching panel day...She was 7m pregnant at the time.

Lo moved in then sibling born 2m later. F2a wasn't an option and baby moved in at 6m so 8m after eldest came home. Was super tough but omg they're amazing together and love them to bits. There's 12m between them, hopefully a third is on the cards too ;-) x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

We were approached by SS for our LO sibling 3 months into placement, it was a huge shock (concealed pregnancy so no warning!) way too soon for us and him. It was a very upsetting time and we made the final decision to say no as LO needed us. It was the hardest decision we have ever made. We have postbox contact with all siblings so there is still indirect contact. We loved being a family of 3.

However, we made the decision as it was not the right time then for us to become a family of 4. We have enjoyed it being the 3 of us for 18 months and now we are going through the process to adopt number 2 (not a birth sibling)

So I think what I am trying to say it, just because the time might not be right now, it doesn't mean you are saying no to extending your family in the future. You just have to the make the decision based on here and now but know it doesn't close the door for you, we checked with SS at the time and worried it might go against any future applications to adopt, they reassured it wouldn't, in fact it was seem as a positive as we were putting the needs of our LO first.
x


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Happy new year!
Thanks everyone for all your replies. Little pink's baby brother was born 4 days before Christmas and after lots of soul searching and tears, we've decided our original gut instinct was right and we're going to say no. In the end we've not made the decision because of money or our ages but because it just doesn't feel right for us as a family. I've been trying to convince myself over the last few weeks that it was the right thing to do but it isn't. Hubby's feeling was always no but was open to discussion if I felt strongly the other way. I'm absolutely dreading telling our sw but I know it is the right decision for us as a family, even though it's broken my heart.  I know that because of hubby's age there won't be another chance for us to expand our family and I'm ok with that. Having all your support has really helped and helped ease my guilt about saying no, so thank you again for replying and sharing your experiences 💕😊 xxx


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi all

I'm not in the adoption situation but I do work with many adoptive families... I don't know about ur areas but where I work adopted children are entitled to the two year nursery offer that low income families get... It's 15 hours a week... It's with contacting the council and asking or searching on Google two year offer and your area

Hth a little with finances!!

And good luck x


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