# Shocked by some news - advice appreciated



## Clarissafallon (Mar 30, 2012)

I hoping that by writing this down I can get some advice on what to do, but also some perspective on the situation.  I have posted it in this section because to be honest I am not sure how much my current situation is affecting my reaction.

A bit of background, as you can see from my signature, my DH and I welcomed our little man into the world last December.  I am loving my new role as a mum, and although there are times when I could cry because I am so tired, I would not change it.  I really did not think about how I would feel after our baby was born, but I have been blown away by how strongly I now want to have another child.  We are trying in the hope of a natural miracle, but are realistic and are saving with the plan of doing IVF again in the new year.  So that is where I find myself.

Today I heard some news from my sister that has really knocked me and to be honest I do not know what to do for the best.  My cousin is 6 months pregnant.  Normally this would be great news.  I would consider my cousin and I fairly close.  We get together for all the major holidays, celebrations etc, keep in contact regularly and have supported each other through various up and downs.  We hadn't got together for a few months but I knew she was busy with work and family issues so did not give it much thought.  

It seems her and her partner decided to try for a baby at Xmas. She was pregnant by February!  (Yeah, I now how sickening that is). However her feeling towards now being pregnant are ambivalent at best.  She has been doing everything she can to keep her pregnancy a secrecy up until now (she knew that telling my sister meant she was letting me and my parents know), she does not what congratulations and was incredibly negative about the whole thing when my sister tried to ask her about it.  Her feelings are that it is an inconvenience and she would rather it was not happening as she has just got a big promotion at work.  She apparently considered an abortion, but got 'busy' and so did not get it organised.

I really do not know what to do.  I am concerned that something is seriously wrong.  We have discussed having children in the past and she has always been keen to start a family.  Her partner is excited about being a dad, they have no financial worries, and she has a good support network with family and friends.  I am worried that she might be suffering from pre-natal depression and really want to give her a big hug and tell her it will be alright.  On the other hand if her current feelings are genuine, I am not sure I could keep my opinion on how selfish and ungrateful I think she is being to myself.  I get so angry every time I think about what she said to me sister.

This has turned into a long post.  If anyone has any insights, thoughts, or suggestions on how to deal with this situation I would appreciate it.


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi there, did want to read and run. My immediate opinion is. Don't judge just support. She may be in shock, people deal with things differently. She may just be scared completely or maybe she does wish it would have happened a bit later. Either way it's her life. I do however understand your concerns so maybe you should offer to do something together and see if an opportunity comes up to discuss it!!!
Congrats on your boy,
Love f


----------



## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi there

In my honest opinion she sounds like she may have pre natal depression, my sister had this with her first daughter and it completely changed her,  I agree with frangipani try nit to judge as there may be a lot going in with her that she finds impossible to talk about. I appreciate just how hard that situation is though xxx


----------



## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

Honestly, I've never heard of pre-natal depression but her actions do seems to conflict her previous feelings.

What I want to say is that I think that you need to detach your own family situation from other people's. You can't impose your own feelings onto other people's personal life, no more than others should impose them on you.

I think it's really sad that someone in a position like ours and particularly susceptible to judgement from society would be so quick to judge someone else xx


----------



## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Does sound like prenatal depression might be a contributor. Here's a good short overview of prenatal depression: http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/pre-antenatal-depression.html#.U_uJ4LxdWR4

The main reason I say that is that the feelings she is expressing now are so much at odds with her previous stated desire to start a family. If she had never wanted children, I wouldn't be surprised by her feelings at all, and would consider her feelings a normal response to a bad situation. But in that scenario, I can't imagine that she would have not gotten around to having an abortion during the legally permitted window, you know?

But in either case, her feelings need to be respected. Prenatal depression makes pregnancy a horrible experience, and it is not uncommon for women with severe prenatal depression to consider or fantasise about terminating the pregnancy (or their own lives). If she truly does not want this child, got pregnant accidentally or for poorly thought-out reasons (e.g., to please her partner), postponed getting an abortion because she had ambivalent feelings about the fetus, and is now stuck being pregnant and giving birth, that is also a terrible situation to be in. Carrying an unwanted child is as bad an experience as longing for one that you can never have -- however, I doubt that's what's going on here.

Jessica Grose had an excellent series in Slate about prenatal depression, inspired by her own experiences: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/features/2012/why_isn_t_anyone_talking_about_prenatal_depression_/pregnancy_and_prenatal_depression_why_didn_t_anyone_warn_me_i_would_feel_so_bad_.html

I hope your cousin can get the help she needs. I can certainly understand why this is hard for you to hear about, though! 

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Elf84 (Feb 16, 2012)

My friends partner had pre-natal depression and sounds very similar. She agreed to go to therapy as she knew she wasn't being herself and continued to go after baby. It was extremely hard on my friend as she kept trying to push him away but he gave her distance then the help she needed and now thankfully they are all happy and healthy although are worried about whether the same thing will happen should she fall pregnant again.


----------

