# lack of understanding



## janeup

Does anybody get told "well at least you already have one" by friends.  I feel so selfish wanting a child with my husband despite the fact I have a beautiful 19 year old daughter by another relationship.  Any advice on what to say to friends when they say this sort of thing would be greatly appreciated.


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## Guest

Hi Jane  

Snap Hun!

I get the same thing all of the time.  When we realised that there was going to be a problem with myself and DH getting pg (well me at any rate  ) my m-i-l said " Well at least you are lucky enough to have one child, some don't even have that."

I told her that I understand that I am lucky to have one but my wanting for a child that is biologically from your son has taken over.  When I told her that all I ever wanted was to find someone to love me for me    and have a child with them she seemed to understand then just what it meant to me.

Some of our family understand but some don't  

At the end off the day my DH makes me so happy a baby with him is the next best thing to having him 

Wishing you lots of luck

Love Charlotte


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## MrsRedcap

Oh yeah I get that all the time!

I can agree with what chazza says...you wanted someone to love you for you and to have a child with them.

Thing is...doesn't matter if you have 0 or 10 kids...It's woman's instinct to want a child it's how we're made up. I have two! I divorced and met the most wonderful guy in the world who rescued me from my demon of an ex husband (long story!) He has no kids of his own even though he loves both my boys.

Just turn a deaf ear to the comments...I do. If not blow your top...that usually works too lol.

Love

Vicki x


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## sweetpeapodder

Jane  - I have had that comment so many times - always by women with more than one - always along the lines of why aren't you grateful for just the one - the last time someone said it to me I smiled sweetly and said "why don't you get rid of one of yours then?"


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## emilycaitlin

I definitely know exactly what you mean.  I get told exactly tha same thing all the time, and people say it in a hurried way, as though to say "oh stop moaning about it".  There is a girl at work ttc for 4 months after her dh's vasectomy reversal, and, whilst I totally sympathise with her, all sympathy at work is focussed on her bad news each month, and I should just be grateful I've got a child!!!


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## Sassybird

Hmm I get this too, its so upsetting as people obviously don't understand the longing of wanting a baby. I think some people can be quite rude about it really. My dd isn't my husbands and a lot of people tell me that he makes a good father to her so I should be happy with what I've got.


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## MrsRedcap

hmmm...Not the same though is it?


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## Sassybird

No you're right its not the same Thing is cos I see him being a great father to my dd makes me want to have more children with him.

I just let their comments go in one ear and straight out of the other. They don't know or understand my situation and I'm not going to waste my breathe and shorten my life trying to explain it to them. I think one day though I will blow my top at someone 

Sassy.x.


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## joey1

Hi Girls,
I'm new to the site but reading the posts am feeling more possitive.  I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter with my hubby.  and we have been ttc for almost 3 years.  As it was a suprise last time (I was on the pill) I didn't think there would be any probs.  
Though we both want more babies my husband keeps telling me that I am acting like we have no children.   Of all the people I need him to understand the most! I know that I am lucky but I can't helping feeling miserable each month when I get my period.  To make matters worse I have had to fight to get my gp to investigate because 'we have already proved ourselves' and i have plenty of time as i'm only 26.  
We have had tests and every thing seems fine. My mum keeps saying go on holiday and it will happen - why does she know a magical place that will cure infertility!! 
Anyway reading the stories here has certainly given me hope.
Good luck to everybody.  wishing you all a visit from the baby fairy.
Joe


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## Mrs Chaos

hi girls
I relate to everything that has been said, secondary IF so difficult as people tend to think and say "well..you have one..so be grateful"  
In a way, secondary IF is harder as we have to deal with unsympathetic comments from the beginning, coupled with the fact we did it once, often without trying.
I have a son from my previous relationship who turned 14 years this march. My dh, Andy, has a daughter from his 1st marriage, who will be 18 years end of this year. (He isn't allowed to see her as his ex   took her abroad in 1995)
We assumed, like so many other couples, that we'd have children together.... it hits you so hard to learn that it isn't happening..and won't and for us unexplained dx leaves us in limbo.
Fave comments.... 
1. You're trying too hard...relax.   thanks for that...must try it eh....
2. It's probably not meant to be....   that makes me feel so much better thank you SO much for that!
3. You have a child already... so be grateful. Shall I chop one of your legs off then?...I mean..you have 2...  
4. You need a good holiday...we got pregnant with our 3rd child on holiday.... And that is supposed to make me feel better?  
5. You can give so much more to one child than 2, kids are so expensive these days...   little do they realise that often, our singleton children yearn for a sibling, so coupled with our own emotions we have to cope with the feeling that we have let our child down  
Thank goodness for FF!
I got to the stage once, where I would decline bbq's, parties..etc if I knew pg women and babies would be there, it got so bad. You then have the guilt...which piles up and up and your own IF, which let's be honest no-one invited to be part of their lives... starts to dictate your life.
I know that I am blessed to have had such a beautiful, gorgeous baby boy, who is blossoming into the most remarkable, wonderful young man, and I thank my lucky stars every day (even when he's being slightly obnoxious...    ) but the memories (despite most of the early months being utterly cr*p as his father was useless) are so precious and remind me constantly of what a wonderful time it was.
My sil got pg after 2 months ttc   and I was gutted! Don't get me wrong I adore my neice she is just gorgeously scrumptious, but the constant baby talk leading up to her arrival, and hand knitted baby clothes shoved under my nose ALL THE TIME by my Mum drove me   
We just have to pull together girls... and learn how to smile sweetly...
and remember!.... no-one makes you feel cr*ppy..without your permission  
take care all
Gayn
XX


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## emilycaitlin

I agree with you all, I also got told to go on holiday.  Spent a week in Portugal in March, still not pregnant!!!

I also had someone at work tell me that they believe you only have the children that you can cope with.  Great!!!  Why didn't I think of that, better just resign myself to the fact that I must be a crap mother and it's not even worth me having another one as I must only be able to cope with the one I've got!!!!!!


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## Mrs Chaos

emilycaitlin said:


> I also had someone at work tell me that they believe you only have the children that you can cope with.


 
They said what?!  I would have been sooooooooo  
It's not a new kitten or puppy you're talking about! for goodness sake! Gawd!  thought I'd heard all of the ridiculous comments emilycaitlin but that....leaves me 
What an awfully hurtful,  thing for someone to say!
 emilycaitlin just     to idioitic comments like that hun.... or  the cr*p out of them 
 Gayn
X


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## emilycaitlin

thanks, I'm sure they mean well, but they would be better off just keeping quiet, wouldn't they?


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## Mrs Chaos

hi
yes,it would be a lot better if they kept quiet  
I used to make allowances for people and various comments, feeling that I too, was blissfully unaware of the heartache of IF, until it came hammering on my door.
I decided to carefully select who I disclosed my IF to, that way you are selctive about who knows, and hopefully choose to inform those who will support you.
2 of my closest friends have 3 and 4 children each, and they have been terrific, and I have cried and sobbed, shouted and ranted over the years, and felt safe to do so.
Self preservation is the key, for me....eliminates   people and thier   comments if nothing else hun  
Gayn
X


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## yved33

Angel, i know exactly what you mean, we have a wonderful 8 yr old dd who would dearly love to be a big sis, her friend has a little sister aged two and every other sentence begins ' Charlotte says, Charlotte has, Charlotte would look cute in that' she loves her to bits and it breaks my heart   . We too have the ' have you only got one then?' comments and when you mention problems they can't understand it as 'you managed to concieve Emily ok' yes but the anti sperm antibodies happened later!


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## Mrs Chaos

Hi Yved
don't you just love the "oh...you only have the one child then...", which is usually followed by more insensitive comments... 
Sometimes I really want to go ballistic and say, "yes, I do have *just * the one but not by choice!" but...is it really worth me getting upset and will it achieve anything....
My ds used to be constantly asking for a baby brother and sister, and he used to get quite upset, it was awfully difficult.
As he's got older I've had some lovely little chats with him and explained that, for reasons no-one has the answers to, I cannnot have anymore children, and that I'd dearly loved to have given him a little brother or sister. He told me he'll have all of the extra love, (even cuddles) bless him! (yes, had a lickle weep, but it was a lovely moment, especially as he is a teen).
Enjoy your dd to the full, they grow oh sooo quickly don't they 
take care
Gayn
X


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## CeeBee

Oh girls!  Don't know if anyone will read this now as it's been on a while but I sympathise SOOO much what everyone else has said.

Have had total strangers say terrible things to me.  The bloody girl in the dry cleaners one day (who must have been all of mid twenties) basically wagged her finger at me and said I really mustn't just have one child as it's very bad for them to be alone.  I think this particular comment came about a week after my second miscarriage too.  I mean, for God's sake - I would never dream of commenting on someone else's life - how dare she!

The absolute worst though, was when I was lying in the operating theatre, prepped up to have my D&C after my first miscarriage, shaking with fear and the emotional devastation of losing the baby.  An attendant nurse was making chit-chat and asked if I had any other children.  When I replied that I did have a ds she basically said, 'oh well' it's not so bad then is it?  I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!  I wasn't even in a position to   her since I was strapped up to tubes etc.

Well!!! Got that off my chest at least. 

I also identify with the others whose children long for siblings.  My ds is desperate for a baby to love.  He's nearly seven and is always looking at babies in the supermarket etc.  He used to get really upset about it but now just quietly mentions ' You know mummy, I really would like a little brother or sister'.  God, how it breaks my heart.  Just recently he has come up with a brilliant solution, which is that he'll have lots of children when he's married (which will be in a house next door to mummy and daddy) and then I can love all my grandchildren'

I know I'm lucky to have him.  So, so lucky.  But jeez, life's a   sometimes.

Love to all for keeping me sane,
CeeBee


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## Guest

Oh at last a place where I don't need to feel shame for wanting another child 

I have a DS 11  going off to Senior school this September and boy do I feel like . He keeps telling me that Charlotte's mom has had another baby or so and so's mom has just had a baby boy/girl. I would love to be able to turn around and tell him that he is going to have a little brother or sister . It really break's my heart that I can't.

And like you have all said the comment's that people make "only got the one then"







"well at least you have got one"







"you should be greatfull for what you have"







and a whole list of other's that I will refrain from using as you have probably heard them all.

As far as I am concerned it is a woman's god given right to have as many children as she wants weather she has got 1 or 20 already.

Sorry I will get off my soap box now

Nice to know I am not alone (well you all know what I mean)

Love Charlotte


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## Mrs Chaos

Awww Ceebee  I think that girls comments in the dry cleaners would have tested my temper to the full 
As for the nurses comments I have to say I was close to  and SO  when I read that!
I was cussing and  at the pc and told Andy, and he was   "there's compassion for you!" I think he would have  her on my behalf, that is disgusting to say something as "casual" as that in those cirumstances 
Have you ever been in the situation where you see a (typical) toddler having a  in the supermarket, I'm sure we all have, and had our own experience of it at first hand 
I once saw a little boy about 2 years old, having a right "freddy", wanting something he couldn't have.
I smiled to myself, remembering the odd  times Sam played up and said to the woman  "they know their own minds don't they, but aren't they lovely at this age"? and his mother said "you can f*** have him, he's doin my f*** head in"  and yanked him off as she carried on shopping, shouting at him to behave and stop being a pain in the butt.
I went about my shopping and had such a heavy heart.
I KNOW there were times when Sam was testing, to the point I checked his body for tatoos of 666 a few times  but it is only since IF that I realise how wonderfully precious those times were, and my heart aches to know I'll never go through that again.
Sure, I was pulling my hair out at times, but I usually managed to distract him, calm him down, and get the shopping done without a blood bath, and I would never have referred to him in that manner.
He's a young teen now and even though he can have a bit of an attitude problem at times, we still get on famously. It's as hard as you make it, isn't it, being a parent.
Right off to clean his "pit"...think the rats have moved out in protest 
take care all
Gayn
X


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## emilycaitlin

I know what you mean, when I look back at pictures of my dd when she was tiny, I wish I'd not been waiting for each stage to come (walking, talking etc), as now I'm faced with possibly never experiencing it again


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## CeeBee

Oh Gayn,

You really made me laugh looking for the 666 on your son's head .  It reminded me that when our son was small we started referring to him as Damian.  It got so bad that at a party someone really thought that was his name!!!!

He's a fabulous boy but I can assure you there have been times he has tested me to the absolute limit (including a 'famous' time in the supermarket which I still feel slightly embarassed about).  My brain can't quite comprehend how a six-year old can tie me in knots. It's not fair - I end up feeling like a total dope.

Thanks for all the sympathy too.  I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?  Mind you though, I don't always feel that way .

Thank goodness we've got this place to sound off on!
Cheerybye
CeeBee


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## Mrs Chaos

hiya girls
Nice to know we're all more or less "in the same boat"  
Nice to see this thread moving again, we all need to sound off now and again don't we  
Pity we can't have a blinkie.... now...that's an idea...what could we call ourselves?
Come on.... any ideas?  
lots of love to everyone
Gayn
X


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## MrsRedcap

Hmmm...good point Gayn, a blinkie would be fab.

I'll have a think  

Vicki x


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## Suzie

Angel27 said:


> Pity we can't have a blinkie.... now...that's an idea...what could we call ourselves?
> Come on.... any ideas?
> 
> Gayn
> X


Gayn you really want me to answer that ?   love ya really 

love
suzie xx

p.s anything yuo want on the board such as list etc then let me know as im modding it now 

xx


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## Mrs Chaos

Olive(Suzie) said:


> Gayn you really want me to answer that ?   love ya really
> 
> love
> suzie xx
> 
> p.s anything yuo want on the board such as list etc then let me know as im modding it now
> 
> xx











Ohhhhh nooooooooo it's all over now girls, that Suz gets EVERYWHERE!

SHE WILL BE WATCHIING EVERYTHING WE DO.....

















........<OUCH!>








love ya really Suz








Gayn
X


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## Suzie

Its ok I know when im not wanted







No really its fine







Honestly


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## Mrs Chaos

Olive(Suzie) said:


> Its ok I know when im not wanted
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No really its fine
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Honestly











Shall I get the violin out now Suz?
We loves ya really babe!
MWAH!
Gayn
X


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## Cloud9

Hello

What is a blinkie?

Love


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## Suzie

a blinkie is a little flashing sign , like the one that says chitter chatters on the bottom of each of my posts 

xx


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## Cloud9

Olive

Thank you for clearing that one up.

Hope the Panel Dtae goes very well for youy.

Love


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## CeeBee

Olive,

Just wanted to wish you luck for Panel Date      and hope it all goes well.

 CeeBee


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## chris2006

janeup said:


> Does anybody get told "well at least you already have one" by friends. I feel so selfish wanting a child with my husband despite the fact I have a beautiful 19 year old daughter by another relationship. Any advice on what to say to friends when they say this sort of thing would be greatly appreciated.


Hi,

New to this site but wanted to say that you are not selfish for wanting a child with your husband, people often dont no what to say when they have never faced this sort thing. They often say things that they think will make you feel better and its usually the first thing that comes in to there heads, by offering comments as "well at least you already have one" is their way of trying to make you feel better, and I know you be thinking what planet do they live on and I whole heartly agree but some times you have to explain things in very basic terms and close friends who understand you and your perspective hopefully will support you every step of the way. I have four children and have remarried, my husband has none. We have just gone through egg sharing to give us a chance of having a child of our own, and I have been faced with some very stupid comments from well meaning friends. I am gratefull for my boys and each child is a blessing. I wish you the best for the future and hope you have a wonderfull baby to cherish together. x


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## Suzie

Thanks for the good wishes for panel Cloud9 & Ceebee 

Its much appreciated 

xx


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## ramblingrose

I know this thread has been going for a while but I feel so relieved knowing that I am not alone in my feelings re wanting another baby. I have identified with so much of what people have said here.

When I was pregnant with my DS I never thought that was the 'last time' and it breaks my heart to think this might be it for me. I only want one more  

So glad to have found this forum. 

Vicki  x


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