# Could we adopt?



## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi,
The further down our fertility journey we get the more it seems that a biological child is extremely unlikely.  We would love to become parents and last night we talked briefly about adoption, something I think we would like to explore at some point in the future.  However, half way through the conversation DH said that he didn't think we would be able to adopt so best not to think about it too much.  I asked why he thought that and he said basically because the system makes it so difficult and is so invasive they would never let us and it would be years of trauma just to be rejected!  I don't really understand the comment and he couldn't really explain it so we stopped discussing but I'm guessing the media has something to do with it.  So......although we wouldn't be at a point where we'd start approaching the local authority just yet, I just wondered what you thought of our situation and whether we would be good candidates:

We both have good, well paid jobs.  I work for an organisation with a supportive adoption policy and could take a year out, if not a little more and we could afford for me to go back part time

We are 32/30 years old, fit, healthy, happy married couple and have been together 13 years.  

We live in a 3 bed house in a nice area which we rent from my parents

We don't have any debt, no savings at the moment but like I say, no debt.

We have a huge support network of close family and friends and have family who have adopted/been adopted themselves (albeit many many years ago!)

We would love to adopt siblings and wouldn't be worried about whether they were babies - maybe 4-6 years?

The only negatives are that I have a lung condition which needs daily treatment but it is very well managed (in fact specialists are always very impressed with me *smug*  )  I am very rarely ill from it.

DH's father adopted a girl, the daughter of the woman he was with at the time.  When the relationship broke down he just disappeared and never had anything to do with the girl again (nor I have to say much to do with DH).

We both come from broken families, both mothers choosing rather horrible men first time round (our fathers - our childhoods are remarkably similar) but both remarried lovely men and we have younger half siblings.

So, do you think we would be in with a chance?  For a long time I thought a blood connection was so important, I kind of forgot that the man who is my father and brought me up is actually my step dad and I have an extended family made up of cousins who were adopted or long term foster 'kids' (grown up now) and it doesn't occur that they aren't blood related.

Sorry for the long post


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

In with a chance? I think they will be knocking your door down! 

Yes they will want to look into the health condition but as you say it's well managed. 

Your history won't be a negative as you can demonstrate how you have dealt with and overcome difficult situations this is actually a benefit in the process. (If they excluded people who come from broken families I don't think there would be many adopters around!). 

And your support network is so strong and they LOVE it if you have experience of other adopters/adoptees. And if you're happy to consider an 'older' sibling group (over 4) I honestly think they'll be rushing it through (well they would in my area).

Good luck to you, you sound like you would make fantastic parents.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

All sounds good to me. They would no doubt want to hear from consultant about for medical condition but that sounds like the only hurdle. It really isn't such a horrible experience as long as u r prepared to be honest with social worker. Our visits turned into coffee and cake and a few hours chatting. They obviously look into everything but wouldn't be doing u or your future familyjjustice  if they didn't. Ring them and have a chat its only way u will find out. Good luck x


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

thank you both for your posts, they've given me much needed reassurance!  As I understand it authorities like you to leave 6 months between your last fertility treatment and applying to adopt which makes sense so with that in mind, we will have IVF in 2013 but then make inquiries about adoption and I will have a chat with DH tonight about his comment last night.  I'm sure much of his concern about SWs comes from what he has seen on TV.  We watched a documentary not all that long ago where at a matching?? panel they decided that a family of three young girls could not be adopted by a near perfect couple because one of the girls would have loved a puppy but the adopters had said they were not sure that would be possible.  They also said they weren't sure who would get the girls ready for school in the morning. (I felt like shouting 'WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK!!) so they go rejected.  I know that there will have been more than those two things I'm sure but that was how the documentary seemed to portray it.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think you would be brilliant. We went to opening evenings in December for adoption after deciding failed treatment number 3 was the end of the IVF journey for us. We saw the two LA's the one we live in and our neighboring authority. I think spend time looking into the options because the difference between the two was massive. One was really positive and said that there are no perfect parents, children or families and they are looking for normal people with love to give the other to me seemed like they were constantly looking for problems and issues. They said a lot of the same things but their attitudes were very different. 

We can't start formally till May / June due to FET in November however the positive LA has called us to have an initial screening interview in January ( I asked if we could do this at the open evening) to start the ball rolling and give us the chance to do anything they will want us to before May so we don't have any hold ups. They other agency looked at me as if to say why are you here When I explained that our last treatment was November so we wouldn't be able to start till May. I think that a lot of horror stories are probably from the same LA's who have a negative attitude. Hope that makes sense and helps x


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

I can't see any problems either. With regard to your health issue they will want to contact your consultant but it sounds like that won't be a problem. During home study they will ask you all about your backgrounds so while that won't be a problem for them, you might find it a bit emotional. The positive out of your background is that you will be able to understand the backgrounds adopted children come from. I didn't have an easy childhood either and the SW that as positive as she felt I could relate to a child's situation. xxx


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I agree with what everyone else has said so wont repeat. The only thing I would say is there are a lot of younger children available at the moment and would suggest considering siblings 0-6 rather than 4-6. Older children have usually suffered more trauma, neglect, abuse etc and can be quite challenging especially if you have more than one. Me and my husband are over 10 years older than you and were initially looking for a child 3-5 but have been matched with a little boy 22 months.


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Raspberrytipple - I know the documentary you mean and it was so frustrating BUT it brought to the fore some of the issues and trust me things are really changing at pace in the adoption world and only yesterday the government announced measures to make the whole process easier and quicker (again).

Plus I have met 5 different social workers in my LA and spoken to various support staff on the phone and they were ALL lovely and positive. My assessing social worker is almost like a friend - like any profession try not to judge all of them by those who are not so 'positive'. 

The only way you'll find out is to speak to them and work out who you feel most comfortable with and who you get on best with. There are often several options in many parts of the country with different LAs or VAs.

Good luck whichever route you go down next year!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Good Luck with what ever you choose to do!!

The only point I would make is if the SW's thought there was a problem (which I dont think there is as mirroring everyone else's comments you both sound ideal) this would be brought out in the open and discussed sooner rather than later.  I think it is highly unlikely for the SW to get through 6 months of HS with a family and not spot a problem that the panel would after reading about you.

It also costs them a fortune to get you to panel so if they have any niggely concerns they bring them up straight away.

Hope 2013 is your year!


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Thank you all, this has made me feel so much more confident although DH is still not convinced.  I suppose there is only one way to find out so 2013 could be a very busy year for us both!  I might see if I can seek out some books on adoption, maybe by people who have been through the process and keep an eye on all the changes that are happening at the moment as there does seem to be a bit of a drive to improve/speed things up.


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

Would your dh go to an open night? It would help you both to find out more and see if it something that is for you. There is absolutely no commitment made only if you decide to. It is solely for information.


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

That's a good idea, might be good for both of us really as there is lots that I'm also not sure about and questions to ask.  I'll maybe ring the LA in New Year and see what they have set up next year.


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

Our LA has a list of open nights for the next few months on their website. You should have a look. It certainly sealed our decision for us.xxx


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

They don't have any publicised at the moment.  I'll keep a check on their website though and see what comes up.  Would there be any merit approaching something like 'Be My Parent'?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Try ringing your LA's some advertise and others don't they give you the date if you ring and ask. The open evening really convinced my otherwise skeptical husband x


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Just had a quick chat with DH about open days and he's said he'd be happy enough to go to one so I might give LA a call in NY.

I think someone mentioned that you don't have to adopt within your home area? So would that mean we have to approach other areas or is it an LAs responsibility to do that?


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi

You don't have to adopt in your local LA but can be a bit more of a hassle with process. Nothing wrong with ringing a couple of local ones to see about open days/evenings 

Good luck on your journey 
x


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

That is good that he is open to at least going. It is actually even better that you don't adopt with your local LA. We are adopting with our neighbouring LA and our local is quite small and more risk of children being from our area.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I agree a close neighbour LA is a good idea. We went to an open day with an LA near us but not the one we live in. They said we were geographically perfect close enough to assess easily but far enough to place the children they take into care with x


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

ok, I'll have a look in NY then and maybe ring ours plus another two local.  I think he's hesitant to talk about it because, just like TTC, we've talked about it lots over the years but it's never happened and we, me especially, have had to grieve and I think he's worried if adopting doesn't come through it'll be more of the same.  He's not keen on endless rounds of IVF and was a little more positive about actually adopting, it just seems to be the process that he's nervous about.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

That is how my husband felt. Luckily the first open evening we went to was really positive and we chatted to the head of service for about 15 minutes after. My husband was convinced because he felt faith in the head of service we spoke to. He didn't get the same positive vibes and have the same faith and reassurance in the second one. Seeing a few is a good idea because like everything in life it is essentially about you putting your faith in individual people. X


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## Guest (Dec 29, 2012)

Hi

Definately try a few LA's but also try a couple of VA's, you might be surprised in the difference and I am sure one will stand out as the one to go with. Good luck and don't be put off!!xx


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