# control



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Hi I haven'tn't posted since our lb came in March this year, he is now 22 months and although he has attached brilliantly and his behaviour has improved  so much he is currently being very defiant and controlling, husbande and I are struggling as the typical holding and keeping close methods do not work with our son it seems to heighten the tantrum that is triggered by us telling him not to do something, he seems to constantly test pulling curtains, shaking the stair gates, throwing toys, banging wArdrobe doors,, they r glass, I am struggling to understand why he continues to do this. I know it's the age but his face is almost a smirk as if to say I will do what I want. I love my son and care for him yet sometimes I'm not sure I like him and It feels like he is trying to control everything in the house. He repeats the same's word constantly until he get a what he wants, he refuses to clean his teeth and we have tried everything, he screams really loud and its A shriekg if his demands are not met immediately then when he gets what he wants the smirk appears. I try no peppa, no sweet treats,, no park, I use when and then, I use time in (high chair near mummy) I ignore but this behaviour continues. His history is not a bad one fc since birth and if anything he was spoilt and not at all prepared for moving on and rewarded for tantrums and rages. Any advice ladies as I feel really fed up!


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

(((hugs))) I can feel the anxious thoughts in your post.  Congrats on becoming a mummy.

Ok my advice may seem extreme but ive walked in your shoes - our first 4-6months were horrid and just like you we did all the "right" things that everyone on here suggested but there is nothing like the toddler/terrible 2's starting in an adopted child.  I went through a few weeks of despair with similar behaviour before I got a good few nights sleep and thought rational again.

LO is probably still scared, not fully trusting but feels safe. Safe enough to try and push you away, safe enough that he wants to see if he gets the same reaction every time.  Whilst its hugely irritating its actually a good phase if you can turn it around.

For me I avoided saying NO - it didn't work with our LO. If he touched something he wasn't allowed to I said "Aht Aht" then I moved him away and put another thing out of reach etc.  I went back round the house when he was asleep one night and re-safety proofed everything so I only had one or two things I had to remove him from. I got DH to make dinner etc some days before going to work or relied on frozen stuff id made before, just so I could be with LO more.  The more 121 focus only on him the better things became.

Ps the face looks like a smirk but its really not.  At 22months they really don't have that type of manipulation but they are trying to control they're environment. I found the days that were the worst were if we had had a busy morning etc and I didn't stop doing an activity but we did start talking about it more i.e. mummy and LO are going to go to soft play this morning after Weetabix and shoes on.  Then I would said 5 minutes and we will put our shoes on for soft play. Right LO, time to put shoes on for softplay.  It was a verbal timetable and he felt he knew what was happening. We did the same thing every day of the week and at same times.  If we had Medical Apts etc and our routine was out I found he would revert back to same behaviours so repeat repeat repeat all over again.

For me the thing that helped was realising that we all need some control about our lives - even as well-rounded adults - so I could change how I looked at things. Give LO control over things you don't mind i.e. what toy will we play with the trucks or the bricks?; Do you want the yellow t-shirt or the green t-shirt today?; Do you want milk or water in your cup?
At 22months you will need to show the items but its a very good way to give them control, engage with them and it actually build speech too.  It didn't always work but slowly over a few weeks we started having better connections and good proportions of the day where we just laughed and giggled for hours. 

That's what built our relationship and even now if LO is pushing boundaries etc we take a few hours out of what we are knocking heads over and just play chases/tents/balloon catching any of our silly games that release the pressure on both sides. Once that pressure is off its amazing how obliging they can become especially if they feel they've decided.

Adoptive parenting is hard and I think I was still a bit naïve that 6months in we would be "over" all that stuff. Its a marathon type of parenting and once I adjusted my own thinking its became easier overall to manage. I also had to start getting some "me" time i.e. natter with a friend on phone after LO in bed or a few hours at the weekend as you cant keep up this stuff without a recharge.

Hope this helps, but ill bump a few older threads that are good to see lots of us have been in your shoes at times.
Keep posting and sharing if you find it helps. x x x


----------



## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hiya.

My LO is nearly 2 and we've been having the same kinds of behaviors over the last 2 months. The things that have worked for us are letting him have a little control in his life, as Gertie said.... What PJ's, which book, what drink etc. Just give LO two choices to pick from. A little control throughout the day has made such a big difference. It's also helped with his speech as we were engaging in conversation with him far more.

We also found wearing him out help. I don't know how mobile your LO is but we started going for walks. Started with just going down to the shops at back... 20min walk took and hour but boy did he sleep that night!! Now he's such a good walker. When we were on holiday, we hardly used the stroller. Now we try and go for a walk everyday, even if it's just around the block. It's a fantastic time of year for walks. Stick some wellies on and let LO go through the crunchy leaves and splash in the puddles.

good luck

xx


----------



## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

What worked for me with those kind of behaviours was to just move  him away and not give it any attention. Expect it to take some time though. He wont stop overnight. At his age consequences probably won't work. You say he won't clean his teeth, do you clean them? My lo's teeth were not cleaned for the first 6 months as I couldn't get near his mouth but eventually he let me.


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

BIG HUGS!  I've been through this, and it's so draining and you just end up thinking they're a pain in the neck, however much you adore them!    The first thing to say is that IT PASSES.   

I used to say I didn't have enough hands, because he'd be trying to do something forbidden with each hand and usually his head, too.   

Small children, especially at this age, are attention addicts.  They feed off energy, and negative energy tends to be more intense and satisfying when they're needing lots of attention.

That's NOT to say that you're not giving him enough attention!  But that as parents we tend to be much more present and in their face and even hands on when we're trying to prevent or stop something.... think of the reaction when they do something clever at the playground...."good boy, well done you!" with a smile and a gentle tone.  Then think of the reaction if they get away from us and are running towards a busy road.... shrieks, screams, shouts, grabs, holding.... MUCH more intense.  The fact that it's negative rather than positive doesn't matter to them, the brain is sophisticated enough.  It just needs the fix.

The short version is that he's going for a reaction.    They do this.  It's normal, it's age-appropriate and it's hellfire on burning, flaming wheels!

For us, the first thing we did was make sure we weren't "auto-no-ing", that is, saying no automatically because we thought he shouldn't do something, rather than stepping back and thinking if it was a deal breaker or not.  Choose your battles.

Holding and keeping close also made things worse for us, and we couldn't leave him alone, either, because he'd follow us and continue.

I don't think consequences really work at this age, not for a good while yet, so rewards and denials aren't really going to help.  It's just distraction, distraction, distraction.... I found fairies under the table, toys that he hadn't seen in a while, ran so many "I'm going to win!" races.... 

Try and analyse what are the things he's doing that really can't happen, and try and think out the box about avoiding them.  Does it matter if he's rattling the gates?  Can you put plastic film over the wardrobe doors so there's no risk of harm, and then turn a blind eye?  

We were taught Two Good Options - not too many choices, and not no choices.  

Definitely the "in five minutes we're going to..."

Try and create many opportunities where there are engaging things and where he CAN'T do anything that requires a no.  Playgrounds at quiet times are good for this, or just a walk in a park with a ball.  I spent a lot of time walking 'down the lane' with Bug in all weathers - it was a sunken lane with no side exits, and the only "nos" were natural ones - i.e., you can't touch that or it scratches!

I'd even have a go at having a big, in-your-face, happy squealing reaction to him doing something really good and see if that gets repeats.

I used "that's boring," with Bug, and immediately suggested something more fun.   

It's not forever, and you're NOT creating bad habits if you don't pull him up on everything.

Hang on in there.  You're doing GREAT.


----------



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Thanks girls I cannot  tell you how much better I feel reading your posts and knowing I'm not alone. 're teeth cleaning he was fine when he fist came but now he runs away clamps mouth or when I tried letting him do self throws down and say s all gone.with the wardrobe doors we have film but the strength of his slamming and banging makes the whole doors shake and I'm worried they will wobble off and come down on him.he is very mobile and happiest outside we do lots of outdoors things whatever the weather but as soon as home in that hour or so before dinner it kicks off. Tonight it was all about saying no we ignored but sometimes it's so hard, sometimes I admit I get so frustrated I want to scream and then my husband feels angry that I'm upset and we wonder if we are strong enough parents for him and where we are going wrong.


----------



## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Re tooth brushing.... try singing his favourite nurse rhyme to distract him. Something short to start w. Alsottake him to buy a new brush that he gets to pick and then take to the cashier and pay for himself xxx


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Oh witching hour :-( - my LB still falls apart at 430-530pm and on rough days we watch cartoons. Only way to keep us both sane and keep a relationship (and ensure he's not too distressed to eat). When he was younger, I used to put on cheesy pop songs and we would dance about. Anything that involved us being silly or out in the garden. When he got into a certain cartoon it became a life saver and even now it's the only real tv he watches and he has max 1hr per day.

Glad some of our experiences have helped you feel less alone. It really does get easier as you learn little quirks and habits that keep things going in the direction you want but friends with BC really don't micro manage their LOs day the way a lot of us find ourselves doing. Just how it is.


Tooth brushing tip is to make a song out of it too and let him pick one. Our ditty is "we brush brush brush, brush our dirty teeth, brush brush brush our dirty teeth to keep decay away". We used lots of these made up songs and still use them esp as LO sings them to remind us when he's in th mood. My lil man loves songs and singing so I find these things help us best.

X x x


----------



## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

You are not doing anything wrong, it's just very hard work.  I try reminding myself that lo wants to get a reaction from me and it helps me stay calm. None of us are saints though and l have shouted at lo and cryed in front of him when things have been difficult and believe me they have been extremely difficult at times. The teeth is hard, lo also clamped his mouth shut and I thought it would go on forever but with a lot of patience he eventually started letting us clean them. The only thing that helped was making him laugh by tickling or blowing raspberries and then sticking the brush in. The wardrobe doors is also a difficult one. Lo used to jump on our glass coffee table so I know what it's like. In the end just lifting him off and saying nothing worked but it took time. Remember most of these behaviours are normal for a child his age and he will grow out of them.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Big hugs to you, it can be so hard and extremely frustrating. I think for us we always have the consideration of whether it's 'normal' age appropriate behaviour or adoption related. I know I over analyse a lot of things which makes it even more draining. I think you've had some amazing advice from everyone so far. I just wanted to jump in and say what's (kinda!) worked for us with teeth is brushing each others, so while I do hers, little pink is let loose with mummy's brush! Yes I end up smeared in toothpaste and get repeatedly jabbed in the gums, but no tantrum. Therefore I consider it a success!


----------



## Milly28 (Jun 6, 2013)

Regarding tooth brushing with our LO 20 months, what seem to work is I pick him up in my arms so he can see him self in the mirror. Pull funny faces for a while, then I'm able to brush his teeth without any crying.

Iam terrible though,I do say no a lot in a deeper tone voice but it has seem to work for us...to the point were I'm not saying it as much or I only have to say it once and he moves onto something else less dangerous.


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Honey this sounds very familiar. "sometimes I admit I get so frustrated I want to scream and then my husband feels angry that I'm upset and we wonder if we are strong enough parents for him and where we are going wrong." I don't have answers, but I do have hugs. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

And a really great cartoon:- http://crappypictures.com/the-uppers-downers-of-parenting-or-coffee-wine/

/links


----------



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Oh AOC thanks so much that is great x huge hugs and thanks to you xxxxxxxx


----------



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi roonie

I can totally empathise with your situation of having a controlling LO. My eldest AS isn't as young as yours but at 6 yrs he displays very controlling behavious that leave me totally worn out at times! Although older our AS is also constantly testing us so I can very much understand yours and your husbands frustration. It really isn't easy and it's hard to keep going when you try loads of 'tried and tested' methods but nothing seems to work! 

Hang on in there girl, it's hard work and it would test the patience of a saint, but slowly it does get better. Our youngest LO at 2 yrs 8 months (more akin to 2 yrs) was also the same when it came to teeth brushing. He would clamp down on the toothebrush and that was the end of that! A month down the line and he now shouts 'yipee' when I say we're going to go brush teeth. I didn't wave a magic wand I just tried to give him some control over the issue. I had him choose a toothbrush at Tesco, then like others have suggested we sang the theme tune to peppa pig whilst brushing (he chose a peppa pig toothbrush!). Now we get all teeth brushed and he's a happy chappy!


----------

