# Feeling Second Best!



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Is it just me or do friends and family see an adopted child as different to having a baby?  I'd expected flowers and cards, gifts and clothes and the like.  It feels like most of the items we've been given have been hand me downs and second hand toys.  Don't get me wrong, all this is very welcome but still, when family have babies we buy new baby clothes, gifts for mum, send congratulations cards etc etc but we've had so few of any of those things I feel a bit let down.  A friend of mine and our next door neighbour have actually been more sweet than a lot of our family. Our NNN couldn't wait to get us wooden name letters from BB's door and shortie PJ's for the hot weather less her! 

I know people don't know how to react sometimes but all I really wanted was acknowledgement that we had become a family, ok, so I didn't spend 9 months growing my baby, spend 12 hours in labour and he was 2 when he came home but how is it so different?

Had a bad day, feeling a little low, but was pondering and it just feels like we are seen as second best.


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi honey!

Sorry your family have been kind of unsupportive. I think a lot of the problem is that a lot of people don't know how to act with adoptive parents. Most people think that older adopted children have a whole host of issues and are basically permanent foster kids. Or they assume you see it as last resort. 

I hope things get better! 

xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I wish I could excuse people's lack of enthusiasm with eloquent dignified reasons.  Honestly I just think most people are very self oriented.  They buy for a baby because it's part of their experience they had or are planning to have a family this way. They aren't planning on adopting so it isn't as interesting to them. Shared experience seems to be what people value in others life.  I am not being critical it's just a fact I have come to terms with over the past few years.  Doesn't make it any better for you.  It's hard because you can't really raise the inequality without looking money grabbing. Which it isn't about at all x x


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

I'm really sorry to say we've had almost exactly the same experience. Our LO has been home 10 weeks today and we have family members who haven't called, sent a card or attempted to meet her.  A few weeks after LO came home DH niece had a lovely baby girl,  when we visited her there were balloons, cards and gifts from all the family.  Our LO had received a couple of Asda toys and not a single card.  I understand Adoption cards are not easy to find but we had over a dozen from work colleagues so it is possible. 

It broke my heart to see how big the difference was in the way both girls were treated.  The positive in this was it helped me to realise how protective we felt towards our LO.  We'd fight lions for her.  We now know who is genuinely interested in us and our LO.  In some ways she is harder to get to know than a new born,  she won't lie nicely in somebody's arms and look cute.  She will however show her lovely, funny personality. 

If I'm honest it does hurt that our LO isn't given as much consideration as other children in our family and I do wonder if it's because she is adopted.  My head says it's their loss but my heart does hurt for my daughter, she deserves better.

Jules xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hugs jules your girl and bb both deserve far better x x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

We were asked on the weekend if we'll be having something similar to a baby shower.
I can see it being a good idea, at least then you can perhaps create a wishlist for people to buy from.

A big problem when you're trying to buy items for other people's kids is knowing what size they are or if the toy you're looking at is age appropriate or too young for them - it's a mine field.

Also when a new born comes into a family you're grateful for anything and everything but with a toddler they might not know what you specifically need.  They can't just buy some babygrows which parents of a newborn always need.

I'm not trying to excuse them, but perhaps it's just they don't know what they can get you / don't want to interfere and so you get zilch.

I think adoption showers will probably catch on  

EDIT: Jules, I'm sure I'll feel the same next year as my brother has just announced that they are having a baby due in May!  I'm gutted and a little jealous that the attention our LO will get from my parents (LO will be my parent's first grandchild) will be interrupted only a few months later with a little baby!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Yes, it is viewed as different.  Adoption is often our second choice, but that doesn't make adopted children second best.  The situation is not what we might have chosen, and I'm sure none of us would have chosen for our children to have the start in life that they did, but the children are just that, children, and no child is worth less than any other.  The fact that adopting can sometimes be very tough at first, doesn't make our children any less worthy of celebration.  They're also completely ours, and  I guess to a lot of people, we are essentially looking after someone else's child, that is often how I feel adoption is viewed.

My friends from work were brilliant when we had Wyxling placed, as were lots of people in our family, but a lot of people didn't bother too.  I think for family the realisation that things are not always straightforward, meant that by the time Bladelet was placed, we got almost nothing from anyone.  We had two cards when Bladelet joined our family, neither of them said much.  That makes me incredibly sad, especially for him.  I have a box upstairs with all the things that were given to us for Wyxling in, and all the cards that we received, and she won't know about the ones that didn't bother.  For Bladelet we have almost nothing.  A lot of the Mums I know through Wyxling are having their second babies now, and I've sent cards and gifts for all of them, but we got absolutely nothing when Bladelet came.  My own Mother didn't call, and in fact I couldn't get hold of her on the phone for nearly two weeks after Bladelet came home.  In the first month he was here I spoke to her twice, once when she called while she was in Mothercare, clearly it reminded her she had grandchildren.

It made me incredibly angry, given how many times we've send cards, messages and gifts for new additions, first, second, third and even a couple of times fourth ones, when it's been incredibly hard to do so, and somehow our children didn't merit that.  

It sucks.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Jules, they say misery loves company so whilst my heart goes out to you and your similar experiences as least we aren't alone! And please don't misunderstand me, when i say 'expected' flowers etc I don't mean I expected people to spend lots of money on us, I just thought they would mark the occasion, as we have so many times for birth children.  

I'm just feeling down in general, feeling low, fed up, unloved (it's not DH's fault really, he just doesn't get it) and a bit like hired help.  I don't think I'm different to a lot of mums.  The constant cooking, entertaining, clearing up, looking after the 2 men in my life got me down today, perhaps because Dh is planning a night out with some old mates and I feel left out.  Actually I felt a bit jealous, there was a time when it was me out all the time and he stayed home and picked me up later! 

Gosh, I am such a misery guts!!  I'm just getting it off my chest, will feel better after a good sleep I'm sure!!

Pauli, I understand what you are saying, but still, a nice card would be fine.  Friend's of my dad's who I've known for years sent us a card out of the blue, it just said 'your boy is home' on it so was generic from any card shop but at least they made the effort.  We've got cousin's I'm close to from whom we've not even had a text.  

Honestly, I'm going to bring the whole bloody forum down, I'll go to bed early and be right chirpy tomorrow I promise!!   

Wyxie, you're right, it does suck! It feels thoughtless and I know that's not how I would behave if someone we knew adopted and I wasn't on planet adoption.  Why don't people try to see it from someone else's viewpoint?


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

To be honest my experience was the opposite - I expected people to be unbothered about our LO or be weird about it, but instead we were overwhelmed with cards and gifts. Neighbours left presents and cards on the doorstep, my colleagues gave me a brilliant send off.

I expected the worst and was met with the best.

Having said that, my brothers are next to useless and haven't bothered at all, or even met her in the 3 months she's been home, but I'll just note that for when they become parents as most of my family have treated her as a new baby even if she came home at 11 months old, and men can be a bit useless about these things  

It's not the same as having a newborn, and I do feel that - I know people with newborns get a lot more fuss than we did, but to be honest I would not be up for a baby shower even with a birth child as I don't like fuss. Maybe that's why people did make a fuss .... reverse psychology! 

People can be funny though, it doesn't occur to everyone that it's as special....more so really...than a pregnancy resulting in a birth child and I think in their minds they do see it as second best without thinking for a second that you don't see it that way.

I'm sure we'll get there in the UK with it but we can be a stuffy, awkward bunch. I look forward to the day when adoption isn't batted an eyelid at and various organisations are working hard to do big adoption drives and get people talking / thinking about adopting so perhaps soon throwing an adoption shower will be as expected as throwing a baby shower....but we probably have a way to go. For now, each of us on these boards can do our bit to educate those around us.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

In the meantime MAK big hugs, virtual flowers and cards and champagne coming your way!!

I have many a day like you are having right now. I think you brought BB home a week after we brought Pixie home.....so emotionally we're probably on a par! Not a good day for me today either, even the dogs got bellowed at for barking at the door, the postman practically threw the parcel at me and ran away, but not from the dogs, rather the crazy lady yelling


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

my heart feels so sad for you guys who have been let down by friends       
I was very lucky in that a big fuss was made for both, esp for our first. I did have one group of friends who looked really embarrassed round a restaurant table when i said about another friend having had a 'baby' shower for us..none of them had thought of my new 'baby' being equal to theirs..despite that for all theirs there had been a group collection for goodies. one friend had brought along some surplus baby lotion and shampoo for me..it felt like a donation to a cause..and there was me having bought her baby something, lovingly chosen and wrapped   


kj x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

MummyElf said:


> In the meantime MAK big hugs, virtual flowers and cards and champagne coming your way!!
> 
> I have many a day like you are having right now. I think you brought BB home a week after we brought Pixie home.....so emotionally we're probably on a par! Not a good day for me today either, even the dogs got bellowed at for barking at the door, the postman practically threw the parcel at me and ran away, but not from the dogs, rather the crazy lady yelling


  I have had very similar incidents, I'm sure delivery people think I'm a bit of a Rottweiler! Grrrr...

KL, my SIL turned up the first time they met BB with a box of second hand farm animals, nothing else, that was it, it also felt like a donation. It just makes me cross that people an be so thoughtless when all these years we've gone the extra mile to make new families feel special...


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww MAK (hugs), whilst we did receive lots of baby boy cards and some gifts there were a few in our family that didn't and needless to say they have been cut off.

However I completely get the jealousy feelings towards DH - even him being able to go to work and speak to other adults in the early days was rough. I missed work and my identity through it enormously and in the early days it's hard to always feel like mum when most of the tasks feel like a skivvy (and in our case a very unloved as LO really didn't want me a lot of the time).  When I wasn't as tired, I was able to be level headed and realised I just missed my old life etc and needed to do something to help me with that - I went late night shopping whilst DH put LO to bed and another night I went to a AUK night and felt soon excited to be going out. I still get out less than DH but I've found more of a happy medium and aware of my feelings when things get on top of me. 

Do you get time on your own when DH is off at weekend? Can you arrange to meet friend(s) for a coffee, shop, spa as appropriate and feel more of you again (along with all you lovely new mummy properties). 

I was describing this to a friend recently but I think mat leave must be heaps easier (I recognise some folks struggle with same issues of loneliness/identity loss etc) but nothing compares with a little stranger coming to live with you as your child.  You spend all your energy building the bond, getting to know one another, keeping a strong routine, and worrying about everything and introducing new people. This makes it more difficult than picking up your newborn and popping out and meeting someone for a coffee while newborn sleeps snugly near you completely content and oblivious to your chat. Coffee with a toddler is not very stress relieving I find.

This has turned into a ramble sorry but I get it and spent a lot of time thinking about this.

G xox


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm really quite shocked to read some of these comments, and so sorry to those who have not had their precious babies welcomed as they should have been   it makes me feel incredibly lucky and I wish everyone experienced the same positivity we have on little pinks arrival. I was very overwhelmed and have had at least 3 people say that they were more excited than they ever have been over a new arrival as this was already a little person, not a baby who just drinks milk, sleeps and cries!!!   My friends and colleagues even set up a ******** thread so they could follow my introductions! Sending love and hugs to those who need it


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I can see all of your points of view and it really is a mixed bag of responses, isn't it?!

I informed family once we were matched and my wonderful friends threw me a baby shower making a big deal of everything. They picked out some lovely toys but got a real mix of new and second hand gifts. I appreciate practical things so one of my favourite things was the 4 big boxes of nappies and 10 packets of wet wipes which took a lot of stress off. One friend who never has any money has consistently given fantastic gifts once LO arrived home as she observes what he's into and gives me second hand toys that are not only age appropriate but he loves.

When LO came home my folks and family were really excited but my DHs family didn't really bother at all. I got quite upset when DHs brother didn't bother to meet LO till after he'd been home 8mths. Though he was coming over from Germany, it really wound me up as in the past when I'd found out I was pregnant (didn't work out) they had instantly planned on being there around due date.

One of the best things we did was to send out an announcement card after he'd been home a couple of months announcing his name, age and when he came home with a couple of pictures. This really helped announce him to the family and enabled them to put his birthday on their calendars. We also had a celebration at our church once the formal adoption had taken place and we got lots of gifts then just like any other child's christening.

Also good to think of the opposite end. When there was a family get together 7mths after LO came home they were all really excited to meet him and did the usual thing with newborns -touch them, want to hold him, coo at him. All very nice but completely inappropriate with an adopted child who was abt 17mths at the time and having attachment difficulties due to me having recently returned to work. 
It's hard for people to know how to act or respond. Sometimes people need a clear statement made of how you expect or want them to behaviour.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

I just want to send a virtual 'Congratulations' card to all of those who have just 'birthed' their (adopted) child.

At whatever age they came to you, your baby is precious and so worthy of celebration


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Katie,  sending you a hug.   and a virtual glass of something nice.  It'll all look better in the morning.

We have had some lovely comments and gifts from some family members and friends and our LO is certainly not short of love and affection.   to anybody else.

I really like the idea of a celebration event.  We applied for our AO today and DH and I have just decided that we will have a lovely family party once the AO is sorted.  It will be a lovely opportunity to share our happiness with family and friends who care.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm with everyone who feels a little disappointed by the response of family and friends to our new addition  
I've found the most heart warming thing has been when people have offered a simple 'congratulations' it at least acknowledges that something good has happened!!
There have been some people that have been 'avoiding us' using the excuse of wanting to give us space. Yes we needed space initially but 3 months down the line some normality is needed!

It really does show you who your real friends are and I'm happy to say planet adoption has made me some new ones   
LO was recently introduced in the playground by a 'friend' as the child crazy spaniel had to adopt because she couldn't have any more of her own... Closely followed by 'she's v naughty, can you give her back?'


Keep smiling everyone xx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

omg crazyspaniel.... Did you punch her?!?!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh my god that is absolutely disgusting, I am horrified   and so sad for you and little lady


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Jeezo Crazy Spaniel - I'm gobsmacked!! What a "friend" ((hug)) I'm outraged for you


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

'Friend' in question I've known for 20 yrs and is a grandmother, I chose rolling my eyes and walking away rather than the punch in the face!  
...also was one of the few people that sent a gift, people, just don't get them sometimes....


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Disgusting behaviour from that person, Crazy Spaniel! I have a lunch lady at work who always goes on about inappropriate things -last comment after she asked how he was, I told her he was great and just started using 3/4 words sentences (I was rather excited). Her response was 'not being funny or nuffin but you didn't expect that did you. Good that he's bright cause you'd not expect that.' I was furious!!!! She knows nothing of his background nor does anyone else at work but what a disgusting expectation of an adopted child! 
Before LO she was always friendly -blunt but friendly. When I told her I was going on adoption leave she came to me the next day and said 'didn't his mother want him then? Shocking these women who do that sort of thing'. I calmly explained that every adopted child was from different circumstances and the majority do not want to give them up. Then I walked away -as if I was going to give her any details on my son but what a presumption on adoption!! Seriously need to do some more adoption awareness programmes on TV!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Excuse my language but some people are just utter t***s!!! Their simple minded ness and total ignorance relating to planet adoption never ceases to amaze me. Plonkers the lot of them xxx 

Sending hugs to you all xxxx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Funnily enough I had a similar conversation with Dame Edna about this today. I have a full box of cards, probably 50-60, from when DS came (and a lot of "special" presents such as trinkets, money boxes etc), but a fraction of the number when DD was placed. As with all of you I wasn't expecting material things, just the acknowledgement that we had another family member. A lot of people who I've sent cards and presents to over the years failed to send anything - I wasn't intentionally ticking off a mental list, but their absence was noted.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

CS,  You get the prize for keeping your temper.  

I do think the most inappropriate comments are made out of ignorance rather than malice.  It's still annoying though.  I get most annoyed when people want to know what happened in LO's past and about her birth family.  I know its curiosity but it's just so nosey and inappropriate, especially when LO Is standing right next to me.

There really is a total lack of understanding about adoption and the children involved.  A million programmes about birth and hardly any about finding a family by other methods.  Its a shame really,  the birth programmes are very predictable,  DH always says there is no point in watching them, he knows how it ends    A programme about adoption will be far less predictable and full of drama - they'd have to fast forward past all the waiting bits though


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I was inundated with cards and gifts from friends and colleagues - even the local parish councillor, who we barely know, came round with some clothes!  People I hardly knew at work said how excited they were and gave me hand me downs and things, which were actually hugely appreciated and welcome.  My best friend basically kitted out our nursery with gorgeous things her son had outgrown, which was a huge help to us as we're not exactly flush.

Family, though, I'm sorry to say, didn't really celebrate it the way we'd hoped.  I think it's hard on them, because they've seen me suffering over the years and they don't want to say the wrong thing.  However, they've all said they'll go to Celebration Day, come hell or high water, although I know they might not be able to, the sentiment is lovely.  

I could happily brain my Mum, who is lovely and generous and fabulous with him, but still said during prep, "oh, I hope they can find you an intelligent one!" and will often say, "oh, he's so clever," in a relieved tone of voice, as if she was worried we'd somehow have a substandard child (as if there IS such a thing?!?!?!) and goes on about how lucky he is.  Grrrrr!

CrazySpaniel, I wish you'd lived up to your nameand bitten her...


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Had the 'I find it really sad, how could a mother not want their child comments'   So not modern day adoption!! The most blunt comment I have had when I said we were adopting was 'but why?'!! Oh excuse me while I go through my whole medical history and individual beliefs surrounding family


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Crazy,  that was the moment to slap your 'friend' calmly around the face! 

The things people say!! I've had my arm patted sympathetically and 'can't you have your own luvvie?', and numerous attempts at finding our her background. People have looked at me and say 'so do you know her history?' and wait for me to spill it all out on the carpet. I say 'yep' very matter of factly and leave it at that. 

I've also had someone insinuate she may have some sort of learning difficulties which show at a later date - on no grounds whatsoever - just because she's adopted presumably! Well for their information, she had a medical review recently and was stated to be 'developing chronologically beyond her age' and is bright as a button. So in my view I'm raising a child genius   

People really p*ss me off sometimes! They don't think how much we love our children and how inappropriate anything other than positivitey is. You don't see them going up to pregnant women airing their views on a child they've never met, but somehow with adopted children, they think they have the right.

The other thing that makes me laugh is people say 'isn't she pretty / he good looking' of adopted kids, usually in a surprised voice. They've not been put up for adoption because they're ugly!! Seriously!

One person I worked with ... Make that two...thought we literally got the first child that needed a home. No choice or anything, as if adoption is some sort of lucky dip, but then I know a lot of people who think that way and are amazed you can choose the sex or age range, let alone anything else


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

More Congratulations and hugs to all those recently placed   

I think our experience will be similar to PL's in a way. We were totally blown away by the reaction, generosity, kindness and generally floods of happiness from everyone when we adopted our DS, and even though we're only in the early days of being linked and now 'unofficially matched' with our little lady we can see the reaction (although still positive and lovely) is a bit different. I may be wrong but I am expecting a similar experience to PL.

On a separate note...and in reaction to something mentioned above, I remember someone once said to me something along the lines of...'oooh and you didn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy and a labour to have your lo'  ....my answer....(after a deep breath, to curb my initial thoughts!) was......'no, I just went through 4 general anaesthetics and various operations & painful procedures, months of self injecting and drugs that made me feel like a monster, a year of adoption assessment (I refrained from elaborating on that point or she'd have been there all day!  ) and then of course all the ss involvement for at least 6 months afterwards!!!
Of course we wouldn't change things for the world, it probably sounds crazy to anyone (except you guys) but I am glad I didn't have/am not going to have a birth child as we'd never have met our wonderful little man. We truly believe that all we went through before has lead us to be his Mummy (and the same will go for our little lady).

I just couldn't believe the thoughtlessness of that remark, I know it's all said without thinking and probably trying to be nice/light-hearted but really??  
I'm personally totally fine about never being able to have a birth child (after many years to get used to the idea) so am not at all sensitive about it, but that comment to someone else could probably have cut quite deeply.
It actually made me laugh and I had to resist the urge to not list at length everything we have experienced and also lost in order to become Mummy and Daddy finally, but yeh, hey....at least I didn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy and labour!    .
People huh!   

Lolly......I've had both of those remarks many times and I still cringe each time, but mainly I now just put it down to the fact that the person that made the remark is quite ignorant around the subject of adoption, not to mention very insensitive to someone's personal business  . 

Here I am again...going 'off on one'  when I should be doing 101 things whilst little man is at pre-school!  

Must dash..............


Anj x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

People can just be so insensitive to other's feelings.  Mind you, we had a SW at the very start say 'well you do realise an adopted child will never be like your Cousin't baby don't you'... She'd mentally written off all adopted kids from what I could tell. As it happens BB is just like every other 2 and a half year old I know.  

I sounded so ungrateful (frankly I was ungrateful for the second hand farm animals) but my lovely friend has stocked me out with masses of age 2-3 clothes for which I was very grateful indeed.  

Was feeling worse this morning, mother put her foot in it and said the wrong thing too but she's gone away for a few days so peace reigns!  DH and I will be having a chat later about how I feel unappreciated and need to feel loved and like 'me' not just the hired help who cleans, cooks and wipes bums all day.

OMG, you should have seen BB's nappy this morning!!!!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I hope your chat with hubby goes well   Oh, and sympathy with the exploding nappies, little pink had to have a complete outfit change earlier while Daddy stood far far away whining about the smell


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I hope you don't mind me posting here but I wanted to say that, if it's any consolation, I've had no support, no congratulations, cards, clothes, flowers, etc., from anyone either. I thought people would be falling over themselves when I got pg after knowing how much we've been through but I've had nothing - not even from my own parents (who I've even broached the subject with - yet still nothing). I would have thought that people might send me the odd text or e-mail asking how I am (at the very least, never mind a baby shower), but nope.

I don't think it's personal or to do with adoption or otherwise - it's just that people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't see past that.

Big hugs - it is disappointing but ultimately it is and was always about you achieving your dream of having a family, which is worth far more than anything else.  (at least that's what I tell myself anyway)


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh you poor thing, Mandy.    I can only hope they're waiting for D-day to overwhelm you.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mandy - I think a lot of people are wrapped in themselves. Just as a thought I know I would never want a baby shower as I would still have been very wha if feeling but that's just me. It might be as AoC says and folks are waiting til D day
Good luck x


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Thanks ladies.  I expect I'll get some flowers from DH and both sets of parents but I honestly don't think it will be more than that. I've learned to lower my expectations.  Ultimately I am over the moon that we will finally have our family and nothing anyone else could say or do could match that, so I really do try to think of it in that way.


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## hawk26 (Apr 4, 2010)

Hi all,
I'm so sorry to hear that some of you haven't experienced the same level of fuss as we have all endured around new birth babies. 


We are linked to 2LOs but a bit delayed, surprising I know! We have had loads of support through our journey to get here and are thinking of having a party to say thank you to everyone when we know when the first 
LO is moving in, since we will 'disappear' for a while. I now think that might look like we are holding our own adoption shower and looking for gifts! But from your posts maybe we should anyway!!!    


My in laws are being very supportive, making it clear they will buy exactly what was bought for their other grandchild and my mum, not known for tact, diplomacy or the like said yesterday 'we buy the pushchair for the first child each time so let us know which one you would like'. Sounds like I'm one lucky lady. 


Maybe their first birthdays with you will be when everyone brings the balloons etc?


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

GERTIE179 said:


> I know I would never want a baby shower


Me neither. I'm not really bothered about gifts either, but the lack of cards really upset me. L/o won't know in 18 years time who got him what clothes, toy or baby grow, although Wyxling has a couple of lovely "keepsake" gifts which are very much treasured by me, and I hope will be by her in the future. What I think I really wanted to be able to have, was something to show our children in the future that while their birth family couldn't put them first, and we have little or nothing for our children from their biological family aside from some dirty old clothing which Wyxling had already outgrown when she went into foster care, we and our family and friends were overjoyed to have these wonderful little people join our family.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Wow really upsetting to hear that you haven't received the same treatment as those with birth babies. 
Just said to DH that I've bought so many gifts for friends' babies I'll be really upset if we don't get the same treatment from them. 
I think I'm prepared for the worst. Have already seen the worst in some people throughout our infertility journey and our late mmc last year. 
Hope I'm pleasantly surprised. 
Xx


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