# Questions about birth parents!!



## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

I know we still have to get to panel yet with this little boy we have been matched with. But is just us that people ask all the time about do we know anything about the child's birth parents.

We have doused a few peoples questions which is normally the first thing out of their mouths.

It does make it awkward sometimes as i think some people think you are being funny, but to be fair we would never air any of our future Adopted children's washing out for everybody to view. We even limit family to what they need to know.  
What have other's come across and got around it, i must admit i am direct when i tell people why the child's birth family history is not for open discussion, and it has sent a few with a flea in there ear.

Cheese


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Mr cheese,

You do right sending them away with a flea in their its none of their business.

It really annoys me that people want to know all the details of something that is very private to yourselves and your little one.

For closer friends and family we just told them that they couldnt cope and didnt have very good parenting skills and leave it at that.

people seem facinated with the whole adoption thing it doesnt stop I'm afraid but you do get used to it and learn to grit your teeth  

Bet you and Mrs Cheese are getting really excited now and counting the sleeps.

Take care

Dawnyx


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

hi cheeses
not long till you have the full cheese board  

I'm nowhere near you as I'm not yet approved (but on countdown!!) but I've already realised that certain members of my family are I'm sure going to be asking exactly that question. I haven't decided exactly what my reply will be I'm hoping for some snappy answers to your post that I can pinch!! 
but I totally agree that the answers that i give will be very short and probably not sweet!!! I don't know why but why do people always think that such personal information is up for discussion? it amazes me!!! I do think that you are absolutely right in not divulging too much info, I've already told our referees that we won't be able to tell them anything much about the childrens previous lives ...........strangely non of them has asked me the reasons for this 

anyway apologies for crashing your thread and not giving an answer, but I didn't want to read and run!!

lol
D
xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Thanks for replies folks, we are already using 'the parents couldn't cope' to close friends and family, and i think that is great answer.

I have more direct one to people outside of that remit, 'It would not be fair to the child to discuss the childs family history and why he has been Adopted', it would be like me going around telling everybody about anything bad i can think about my parents and telling everybody. It does work but people really dont consider that though

We are getting very excited now Dawny, we still have so much to do and very little time. Mrs Cheese is doing the day counting stuff  , i just watch the pay days at the moment   .

Debs you will soon be in our shoes and lap up that panel day, very special 

Cheese


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

oh Mr Cheese welcome to the world of nosey people!!

The ones i get are............

*do they have the same dad......................my answer is yes my DH! however i sometimes feel like saying "so do your kids have the same dad" 

*oh how could anyone give them up..................

*I then get "oooooooooooo why where they taken" ..............

*Is BM young.......... well what do you call young?

*oh do you know much about their past............Yes i know everything!

*oh so do you know x, y and z then...................Yes i do (they then wait for me to tell them which i dont  )

Only people who knew me and DH before the children know they are adopted and we were very blunt (and still are) and said yes we know these details however no one will ever know the info unless our children want to tell others! people who we meet now due tothe children or other things we dont tell them they are adopted not because we want to keep it a secret or are ashamed its just we want our children to be just that "children" and not branded as the "adopted children"

xxxx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Ment to add that we did say things like "alot of personal reasons why they were removed" when people get mega nosey!

sadly like alot of things until you have walked in our shoes you wont know what to say

I cringe with what i am about to say however i once said to someone who DS and his DW adoted a little girl after failed tx and said "oh i dont know how anyone could give up a child" this was said about 3months before we moved onto adoption and i really cringe when i thik waht i said................


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

M J

We have had everyone of those questions   (even before we were approved ), and your right Adopted children are children too.

We are very open about Adoption and to be fair it something we could never hide due to Mrs Cheese ill health in the past and working in the same enviroment for many years alot of people know us both.
But to be fair on the otherside the coin, some people have been fantastic.

Cheese


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

oh everyone that knows us before the children knows they are adopted .........well other wise how would we explain that one day no children next day 2!  

Its only new people we meet that we dont ake it known like at DD nursery school ect as i dont want her branded as parents can be cruel (and nosey) as can children be plus i am sure some children in her school could well have a SW themself due to child proctection ect )some of the parents are a tad rough-------i am no snob!

xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

mr cheese..you'll get used to it  this is just the beginning /sigh
not even our close family have been told the childens background....

my stock answer to 'do you get to know anything about the birth parents' (which is so obviously a loaded question as they think you just might tell them the lowdown!) is 'oh yes, we get to know absloutely everything'....pause just long enough for them to look excited then pretend not to...... 'but its the childrens story to tell people when they are old enough IF they choose to and OBVIOUSLY it would be awful for them to find out that everybody knew their story before they did'
i'm evil but i do take delight in seeing people look disappointed that I'm not about to spill the beans 

kj x


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Yes i know you mean, and people you meet dont need to know anything other than, they are children like any other.

Just some of the questions are so personal from some people, just rubs me up the wrong way a bit although i have learnt to bite my lip for many years.

x


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

keemjay, that is cruel but i like it, lol


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Keemjay - ha ha! I'm right with you!!!!    Definately the best way I've found to answer all the questions!!!



lol
xxx


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## ShazJohn (Jul 29, 2008)

M J said:


> oh everyone that knows us before the children knows they are adopted .........well other wise how would we explain that one day no children next day 2!
> 
> Its only new people we meet that we dont ake it known like at DD nursery school ect as i dont want her branded as parents can be cruel (and nosey) as can children be plus i am sure some children in her school could well have a SW themself due to child proctection ect )some of the parents are a tad rough-------i am no snob!
> 
> xxx


MJ

I agree with everything you have said but "You are no Snob" come on   (Love Ya Hun)

Some great answers on here. We are not at this stage yet as still waiting to be matched but now i have a few answers when people like MIL ask questions. So thank you all.

ShazJohn x


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

well done mr cheese! somehow I missed that piece of news about you being matched, I am excited for you both!
I tend to use the same answer as keemjay, when people say do you know everything about the family etc, I just say yes, pause and move on.  If probed further I smile nicely and say 'we think its really important that x hears the story of his/her early life from us so we have decided not to share it with anyone else, you know how people gossip   to which they always backtrack and say something along the lines of oh well you know I wouldn't tell anyone.
To add to MJ's list I've also had the 'oh you wonder why such a gorgeous child is adopted?', sneaky way of trying to get more info by giving compliments, watch out for those people, they're really crafty    But more seriously, do the general public assume that only unattractive children can be adopted??  There are many more, sometimes i do think its just people are naive, they have no idea about CPRs and how detailed they can be, I think they often compare it to just 'getting' a child and not knowing any details.  Most people are asking out of interest because they want you to feel they're interested, the problem is its hard to weed them out from the genuinely nosey ones!


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

our family know the gist of why boo was adopted, and some v close friends. I think for us its important because it does explain certain parts of his character, and why we may seem to be particularly focused on certain parenting areas that with a birth child we might not need to. Like quite a strict bedtime routine, and very stirct on no smacking. 

to anyone else i just say the same as i say to boo whenever the subject comes up..."they were'nt able to take good care of him". that way if the subject comes up in his earshot he'll hear us telling them the same thing he knows. 

Its a part of human nature to want gorey details i guess. 
xxruthie


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

Well done on you both for dealing with the nosey so and so's that have asked you so far!(a lot of so's in that line!!)

We all get asked these questions and when we got our DS I would tell people who I wanted to know a little about DS back ground BUT I soon learned even the ones you thought you wanted to know and would keep it confidently, passed it on to some one else.......like your family members onto long last Aunts or Uncles.......thankfully I never said anything that DS didn't no.

With DD though I learnt my leasson & didn't even tell my own family WHY!!

I so want to say sometime to the nosey ones.......go stick your nose where it doesn't whine you might find some answers there.........but I'm to much of a lady!! lol

Andrea
x


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

hi the cheeses, 
some fab answers that I'm going to copy!!
I know that this is just a little off topic, but as I'm not yet approved I've got one about questions regarding children. So far I've been astounded about just how little most people know about adoption. I've actually been asked if we have a choice in the children that our SW gives us!!! and do we have to have the ones that we're given?? how bizarre is that?   
lol
D
xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Oh you get some great ones Deb, the list is endless.

Went we went to panel we made a recommendation that maybe a grand parent or someone who will be close to family could attend the training days, as this is someone else the family can talk to about Adoption and the process, helping people to understand how it all ticks . 
The panel actually listen to this recommendation and thought it was a good idea, whether it is brought in is another matter but i thought it would help would potential Adopters.

Cheese x


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