# Several years break - now starting up again and scared!



## Elizzybeth (Jul 27, 2011)

Hello,

I've lurked around for awhile on this site but this is my first post. 

I have done IVF in the past with no live births. In late 2008 I did my last cycle and haven't done anymore since then. Largely this was due to being laid off from my company of 17 years and other real life stressors.  Also we had had a cycle where we saw a heartbeat and lost the pregnancy and this was pretty devestating to us.  

Anyhow, I finally worked up the nerve to begin researching IVF clinics again. I live on a whole different continent from my treatments in 2008 so needed to start by choosing a clinic. I believe I have made my decision -  have had my initial phone consultation - and now I find rather than being excited - I am terrified!!!!

In part I think this is due to losing a pregnancy. I know part of what weighs on my mind is that I may have lost ground I had gained in the past (i.e. my fibroids may be back).  I am trying to get as many answers before I fly to the clinic to see where I stand but things are moving painfully slow on this end (i.e. ultrasound to check status of fibroids) and I am not sleeping well and am worrying myself silly and haven't even started treatment.  

I think when I put pursuing a baby on hold I had the "I will have on in the future" as a safety net. Now that I'm actually doing something about it I no longer have this safety net - now it's facing IVF failure and potential miscarriage. I really am quite scared and almost feel like cancelling/postponing my face-to-face consultation.  

Has anyone else who took a break felt like this??  What did you do to find the courage to move forward?  

Thanks to all who read and respond....


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

Hiya hun

have you looked at the following board on the site
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0

There is a trying again after a loss thread and a investigations thread too


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## Jaymay (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi Elizzybeth

I understand completely where you're coming fron, the only difference being I've never been pregnant.

We had 3 failed ICSI cylces in 2008 and after our last attempt were told that DE was our only chance.  I desperately want children and fell into a terrible depression.  It took me a long time to get my head round round DE, after realising that I wanted to be a mother above all, to any child. But I didn't do anything about it. I just kept putting everything off.  I tried to live my life without children, stupidly pretending that I was fine but deep inside I was crumbling.  I had a distraction while I organised our wedding and after this I promised my DH that we would start treatment. But still I didn't.

Eventually I had some counselling and was told that I'm so frightened of failure and never being a mum that the fear actually stops me from doing anything, some kind of self preservation mechanism. Facing my fears is the hardest thing I've had to do.  I think we underestimate the power of fear.  I also feel a lot of guilt as I wish I could be happy with just the two of us, I am very blessed to have my DH so life could be a lot worse.

I think the turning point for me was when I turned 45. I suddenly started to feel my age and regretted wasting the last 3 years.  I've now taken the first steps and we fly out for our 1st consultation next week.  It's all so daunting esp as we have to go abroad for treatment and I'm soooo scared.  I'm worried that if I do get pregnant that I'll have complications because of my age (although I am healthy). I also have a fibroid which I pray hasn't got any bigger.  I could easily talk myself out of having treatment but I know that the alternative is a very lonely place. I try to lose myself by being proactive in organising everything but it's so difficult.  All we can do is keep on trying.

I could never understand why I kept putting  it off so you're not alone. I hope everything works out for you.

Jay x


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## KonnichiwaKitty (Feb 3, 2007)

Hi Elizzybeth & Jay

I know how you feel, except for never having been pregnant part.  

In our case my OH is completely fine and I have PCOS.  We had out first cycle in 2007 which was cancelled after EC due to OHSS.  We took a long break for almost 2 years because our relationship had taken such a huge hit with treatment and other things, and to just get over the disappointment.  I started to panic at the huge amount of time that had passed and we re-started.  Our first FET was in Dec 2009 and then another FET in Apr 2010 which were both failures.  We needed a break after them to just take a breath and fix our relationship again (which we are still doing now).  After it all, for the past 12 months I've been quite ill and have been diagnosed with moderate M.E/Chronic fatigue syndrome.  Now we have probably got a really long wait until I get well enough to be able to physically handle another round of treatment.    

We have 5 frosties left now and 2 IVF cycles left.  The thing is though I'm not sure if I can go through it again.  I'm terrified of the medical intervention and medications, treatment failing and it making my M.E worse so I'm bed-bound or it completely destroying our relationship, especially since it's still rocky.  It's just such a shame for some of us that to have desperately wanted children, we have to go through such difficult experiences.  

At the moment I still want to have children and can't stop feeling the loss, but on the other hand I never want to have to go through treatment again.  I do resent the whole thing...my life has been on hold for the past 9 years and time is ticking by.  I just wish I could wake up and be ok with a life without children and just get on with living life because after the PCOS and now M.E too, it just feels like it's just not meant to be.

I know my post hasn't really helped but it's sometimes helps to know others feel similarly.  

Big   for you both.  I truly hope everything works out x


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## Elizzybeth (Jul 27, 2011)

Jay & KonnichiwaKitty - I'm so glad you both responded and know how I feel!  I hadn't checked for any responses in awhile. Thank you Shellebelle for sending the link as well to another section on FF.

I'd love to hear how you are all doing now. 

Jay - a BIG, HUGE grats on taking the next step forward. I would love to hear more about your journey and wish you huge success. I saw you mentioned flying out - would love to know which clinic you have selected too if you are willing to share (here or in private message).  

KonnichiwaKitty - I'm so sorry you are having health problems. I imagine if you felt better health wise it might be a tad easier to face your next steps in pursuit of a baby. I hope things are in a better place with your DH or DP.  Let me know if ever just need to vent (you can private message me too).

AFM, I saw an ob/gyn who is recommending hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. She seems convinved I have scar tissue which will make my next step in baby pursuit more likely to result in a mc. However, I am not 100% comfortable with what she tells me and in all fairness I think part of this is due to the fact that we had to communicate through an interpretor. Anyhow, I have a second opinion the week before scheduled surgery so we'll see. In any event, I have to delay seeing the IVF clinic as I sort this out. I really wish she had simply said "everything looks perfect - good luck!" - what a nice dose of much needed encouragement that would have been   

Wishing huge success for all of us and peace of mind along the way!!


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