# Dealing with reactions to donor conception



## Gully123 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi All,

So we've just got a BFP and it's very early days. I expected to be thrilled, but I'm actually terrified not just because I've lost early pregnancies before, but because of the bed press and strong opinions I've encountered around donor conception -- particularly from donor conceived adults. I suppose it's all part of the mystery and the journey of having a family. I know this rationally, but there is still this fear that my child will grow up to resent me or have some sort of massive identity crisis or both.

Has anyone else dealt with similar feelings and found some peace with the whole thing?
I'd be so grateful for a bit of wisdom here.

Thanks.
G


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi,

I have a 6 month old DE conceived daughter. I thought long and hard about this treatment before embarking on it. I remember reading about donor conceived adults who seemed bitter and resentful about their situations. I think what I picked up was that these people had found out during adolescence or adulthood about their conceptions. We have decided to tell our LO from an early age how she came into the world, so there are no big shocks and she cannot remember a time when she didn't know. It is when the sense of identity is thrown that there are repercussions. I also discussed it at length with my father, who is a child psychologist. It seems being donor conceived is not so much of an issue as it being kept a secret, which is. That's just my opinion though and everyone has to do the right thing for their own situation/family.

I hope this helps! Good luck xx


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Hi there

Totally agree with surfer girl I've got a long awaited little girl almost 5 months donor embryo from Spain.  We fully intend to tell her as soon as she old enough to understand.  At the end of the day she was conceived out of love we totally adore her and u don't think about it just that u have a daughter and how amazing that is.  You grow them carry them feel them kick and all those things r truly amazing.  I sit here breast feeding my bundle of joy our miracle.  Don't worry about what others say just go with yr heart and enjoy every second its precious,

Take care

Tammy X


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## My Son is My World (Sep 10, 2011)

Hi
I'm of similar thought to the other ladies that have replied. I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant with our baby conceived via ds. We fully intend to tell when he is old enough to understand so that nothing was ever kept secret from him and then he can decide who he does or doesn't want to share his story with - i couldn't bare the thought of keeping such a thing secret from him especially when secrets are what seem to have caused so much pain in donor conceived adults once they discover their story.
We already have so much love for our little one and i know this will only grow once he's here - all we can do is share our love with him and give him the best we can in life and pray that he fully understands why we chose this journey to being a family xx


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi, I agree with the other posters in that it's possibly the secretive part of donor conception that causes the most problems. You also have to bear in mind this; if you were happy, would you feel the need to vent your story online? Probably not. This is why you see so many stories online of angry young adults and it can give the impression that many donor-conceived people feel that way. There's a disproportionate amount of negativity because positivity doesn't need to go online to talk, that's the thing.


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## nettya (Mar 20, 2010)

Hi Gullabbo - When I first found out I needed to use donor eggs, we went to a Preparation for Parenthood workshop that was run by the Donor Conception Network.  It was immensely helpful to talk with other people in our situation who shared our fears and concerns and also to hear from people who were through the other side. The DCN advocate telling as early as possible and have produced  publications for children of different ages to help get the story across to them in language that they'll understand.  We haven't engaged with them for a while because of all the miscarriages but assuming this pregnancy continues, we'll be picking up contact again.

All of those we met were really lovely and supportive people.

Nettya


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I have de conceived twins who are nearly 3. A good friend bought them " mommy, was your tummy big? " at www.lulu.com i think. I started reading it to them over a year ago, so they always know.

I fully expect some angry teenage arguments over it esp as tx abroad so donor anon. However , if it wasn't de it would be that we didn't really want them or something else. 

I think so long as you are open and honest with what and why i dont think there will be any problems. You were given a couple of cells. If you didn't want a child those bundle of cells wouldn't exist. And every other cell comes from you. That child is your child.

Worries about what will they look like/ be like etc are normal too - every mum.has them.but with donor gametes it is multiplied.

I found response from people to de overall positive. I have been very open as i want to celebrate my family, my journey and my childrens story. I want them to be proud of their origins not view it as a secret to be ashamed of. 

Also remember at the moment your hormones are all over the place. But please, try and relax and enjoy your pregnancy. Your baby/ ies are growing inside you and will listen to your guts, they grow fed by your blood and your chi. 

Big hugs and congratulations. X x


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## dragonfly10 (Dec 5, 2010)

I just want to echo the views of all the above posters. All I've read supports the idea that if you are as honest, open and confident about your decision, your donor conceived child will accept it more readily, it will just be part of who they are. It's very easy to get hung up on the negatives, positive stories do not make good press, but there are some lovely videos and blogs out there with interviews with donor conceived teens who are proud of their story. Search those out. Just like Mierran, I have been very open with friends and family and have met with nothing but positive reactions. 

I'll be buying my baby boy the books suggested on the DCN site and making him his own photobook with pictures of my ET, us waiting and hoping, scans, first pics of him with members of our family etc for when he's around 2. I'm hoping this will help him understand just how wanted, special and loved he is to us and his wider family.

By proud and confident and enjoy your pregnancy, huge congratulations XXX


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Dragonfly we r so on the same page I have been very open about our journey that makes it more precious and will tell our little girl as soon as she is old enough and its not an issue we adore her and r so blessed X


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## UK-Canuck (Sep 3, 2011)

Hi Gully 

Hope all is progressing well with your pregnancy 

As of yesterday, we're PUPO with 2 DE embies on our first DE cycle, so all v early days & not sure well get there yet like you, but fingers crossed!

Like Nettya though we've also done the Preparation Workshop with DCN and got involved with their support groups etc.  Of course they do advocate early, but I do think people's ideas of "when the child will understand" are different and it could be difficult to decide when that is in the future. I met one lady who now has a 10 & 5 year old and is now panicked about telling them as she hasn't yet, and has left herself stressing about it for 10 years   Poor thing.  Hopefully she will sooner rather than later as I think it is the stories of people being told later in life who are the ones who react negatively to being donor conceived. 

We plan to tell "from birth" with the story books etc, so it's never a surprise/secret. DCN also say that it gives us adults a chance to try out the words for as adults before baby will understand/remember anything, so that we are happily fully comfortable & confident about what we're saying to our desperately longed for little ones. 

Lots of luck with your pregnancy 
Canuck xx


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