# Fed up of having to be brave and strong blah blah blah!



## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I just wondered if anyone else is fed up with "putting a brave face on"? I think I'm at a point now where one of these days done is going to get the pointy end of my inner rage when they ask for more blood, another dildo-cam, or tells me to "just relax your legs apart....". I mean really, opening my legs wide with no pants on isn't something I feel that relaxed about, even in front of my husband! 

I think what set me off was a conversation I had with another ivf lady who told me "working during the 2ww is a good way to take your mind off it". Erm hello, I have been injecting for fecking weeks, I have to get my lady garden out constantly, I can't drink, eat nasty food, order a latte, and can't even watch a film at the pictures because I have my nightly human pincushion routine to perform. Is it so wrong to think I actually deserve 2 measly weeks off work? Then there is the stress of how to get the two weeks off; hardly get any holidays as it is and need to save them for if we have to go abroad for a cycle, and I can't sign myself off for more than a week, and I can't afford unpaid leave, and I can't "work from home". So I'm stuck stuck with having to grovel to my GP and sit there for an hour waiting because (yes evil receptionist) it "is an emergency" to need a sick note (but I still feel guilty). And then I'm surrounded by the million pregnant teens who always seem to be there when I am!

Sorry for the rant, I think all this black cloud stuff is in my head and I'm fed up of smiling and saying "ooh yes I'm fine, now what orifice are you wanting me to pop this in" every time I see a nurse. And I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty for wanting a bit of a rest for a few weeks. And I'm fed up of being angry and not being able to say it because then people will say "I don't think you should be doing this" (whilst wishing they hadn't asked and thinking I'd probably make a crap mum anyway). And I'm fed up of beating myself up for everything all the time and not wanting to upset anyone else by letting them see me like this.

Xxx


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## Riley12 (Aug 12, 2013)

Your last four lines are exactly how I feel around other people; I feel like an actress most of the time. 

Riley x


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Couldn't have put it better myself, it gets you down and there seems to be very little you can do to make it much better. You sound as though you have a good sense of humor which is probably about the best character trait you need to survive x


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## RubyC (Feb 9, 2014)

Hi Cloudy,

I know how you are feeling! Best to have a good rant and feel a bit better hopefully.
We have to go through so much and be brave etc and see others getting pregnant just like that 
And now we relax! Count to ten (or a hundred)...
Sending you a  
Good Luck to everyone xxx
R x


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## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

Awww cloudy your post did make me smile 😊 it's exactly how I've been feeling for awhile now..I'm so glad there's people on this sure who know exactly how I feel..thank you 
It's good to have a rant sometimes!!!!
Sending huge hugs x


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah thank you ladies! I try and see the funny/ironic side to it all, but at the same time I want to proper lose my head and just go "ggrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" if that makes sense! Im not normally a highly strung psycho, I blame the drugs!

I just wish there was more support for us in the world - we shouldn't be expected to be super women all the time xxx


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## Sarapd (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks Cloudy for putting into words exactly how I feel.
Love to all the wonderful ladies on here.
Sara. xx


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## Ashaa (Apr 3, 2013)

Hi Cloudy

I had a meltdown over Xmas. I was tired of doing the nice bit... Had a BFN beginning if Dec so was in no mood to do the jolly Xmas thingy.. And pretend everything was just right...I went grrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaa

Now am in my DH family's bad books! 

To top it off women are asking me.. Not getting broody That's when I find if hard to bite my tongue... But since my moments if madness at Xmas I do have to hold my tongue... 

I just log on to FF and I feel back to 'my world'.

Hope things improve for you.

Best of luck.

God Bless.


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

God!  Could not have put it better myself!  I deal with the preggo ladies at work (oh the irony) h&s wise, if one more days how you lose all your dignity when preggo I shall punch one of them in the face!  As one other lady put it on here I'm thinking of having a season ticket to my lady bits, I've lost count of how many strangers have had a peer up there, often in two's and three's...  Ggggaaaaaaaaah!  Fed up of being capable and in control...


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah thank you - loving the season ticket idea!

My MIL asked me if I do my injection in the car rather than the toilet because I don't want people to hear me screaming in pain I wanted to say "no, it's because people have sex and sh*t in public toilets and I don't want cooties!". What I actually did was half smile and walk off seething! 

Had to tell my boss the other day that I wad going to be off for a bit and he said "ooh, really, are you? You are aren't you? Pregnant!". Doofus! Though I think he probably felt worse than I did. Though he then went an excelled himself by saying that I will need a Doctors note for whatever days I have off because of the number of days I had off in the financial year. Marvellous, now got to try and get an emergency appointment (a battle in itself) and grovel for a sick note when I should be reducing stress!

Xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Seriously, what do we have to go through?!?!?!

Cloudy, I'm SO sorry you are feeling like this. Jesus, I'm sorry we are all feeling like this. I totally get it - it's just so **** that we have to hide whats happening/how we are feeling, we have to be "OK", put on a brave face. As a friend who has been through IVF also said to me the other day. it's grieving without recognition, without acknowledgement... there are no mass cards for a BFN. 

Asha, I'm so sorry for your BFN in Dec. I had one on Dec 23rd. I had to pull myself together to host Xmas for my in-laws (who are adorable) and my mum and sister. my Dad died in October 6 days after my September/October BFN. Devastated doesn't even cover it. This Xmas gone was always going to be a diff Xmas anyway- between 2 BFN's and Dad dying in the preceding 3 months..... Then my "DH" gets 'sick' which manifests itself in being grumpy and not talking to anyone all day. ALL DAY. Big long face on him. I was jumping around trying to entertain the children (my DD and niece/nephew), look out for my mum and make the dinner....I was so heart broken and angry with him. Still am.

SID, I am SO sorry for your loss..... I hope you are OK. My heart goes out to you guys xxx

I'm so sick of:
- wondering why this has happened to me
- wondering of it is because myself and DH shouldn't be tog anymore
- utterly saddened by DD having to grow up as an only child (and possibly from a broken home)
- counting car seats in cars
- wondering if I should answer truthfully to the question "how are u"
- Wondering 'how old is she'? when I see a new mum
- when its a BFN: was it the argument a few days into the 2ww? Was it that coffee? Did I forget to take cyclogest? 

I hope and do believe that one day I will move on, be happy and peaceful and not resentful to others. It will take hard work. 

I really do believe ladies that we will all get there, and whoever said it was right - a sense of humour is essential!!!!

Lots of bewildered love to all

Rubster xxx


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## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you for your message rubster 😊 
Life has been shockingly bad..but we are trying to pick ourselves up slowly..there's been some crappy days..but now I'm back at work I'm forcing myself into normality again..
Hope u are well 
Cloudy, I hope uve been well too x


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## Gwen A (Mar 19, 2014)

Can I just echo the sentiments already been made. last year we had a reunion of university friends and they are all younger than me, all have completed their families. While I love seeing them and playing with the children, the day after they left my period started and my depression flared up. When my Team Leader asked why I was upset I was told I had to find a better coping mechanism.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Hey ladies, thought Id let you know I'm not being "brave" anymore and am putting my little embie-on-board first. I went to see my GP, burst into tears (bloody hormones) and she has signed me off you 2 weeks and got me a counselling appointment. She said that I'm stressed/anxious and it's completely in proportion with the circumstances and to be expected. I'm having a bit of doss time every day, but also keeping busy with going for walks and treating myself to a bit of lunch out and things. I feel so much better for it. Im half way through the 2ww and have even managed to get more than 4hrs a night sleep (not in one go, but feel less exhausted).

Gwen - im sorry you also have a complete tool as a boss. I used to be a manager and if anyone ever came to me with a personal problem I didn't understand I used to research it and ask them about it and ask them how best i could support them. In my eyes senior staff are there for support of staff, not bullying, but I'm just crazy like that! Next time your making yourself a drink make them one but just pop the tea spoon in your armpit for a few minutes first. Even better wait until you have a cold and wipe your snotty tissue around their cup xxx

Sidd - hope you are getting on ok at work, but take it easy honey. Even though things are "getting back to normal" still give yourself a break xxx

Rubster - I think that's it, people don't understand how hard a BFN is. I'm sorry you are having problems with DH, it's such a hard time and puts a lot of pressure on relationships. With regards to your DD, just to reassure you that being an only child isn't all that bad! I have a brilliant relationship with my parents, we are like best friends the three of us. Also I think not having a ready made playmate made me more confident and outgoing and I have always been independent - I changed my first car tyre aged 17 on my own! There is a myth that only children are insular, spoilt and lonely, but I have a few other friends who are also onlies and none of us are like that at all. Please don't beat yourself up that your daughter is losing out because she isn't at all xxxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Cloudy, thanks so much for taking the time to give me your own personal experience of being an only child. I really must snap out of this self  pitying mode - it'll take a little time, I'm sure......but I need to do it, or else it'll be her picking up on my projections and therefore feeling like she is not enough that will be the cause emotional difficulty for my daughter, as opposed to being an only child!

Well done for taking the time you need for yourself in your 2 ww. I have everything crossed for you!!!!!!!! 

Big hugs    

R xxx


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## Sidd (Apr 4, 2013)

Cloudy I hope u are doin well thanx for your message
Ladies how are you all? 
I'm ok..work is goin well I guess it keeps me busy..some days have been a struggle some not..having an end of term do at wrk which I have had to opt out of..I don't really think I can face a massive crowd of ppl..it's hard hey
Sending big hugs x


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## queenie81 (Nov 21, 2013)

I'm sick of this too and completely understand. 

Well done for taking the time off for the tww, I will most certainly pushing to have as much time off as I can. 

I have to fake it in front of everyone, including my family and my OH. I am teacher too so I am an actress doing that as well. 

I am seeing a counsellor which helps and I also joined a lovely spa near me! It's my reward for having to basically go through this on my own x


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