# how to cope with a bfn



## kirsty33 (Jan 21, 2009)

hi

dh and i been trying for nearly six years, we had our first ivf treatment and got a bfn. i just dont know how to deal with it. im devastated. any help please

love kirsty


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Hi
Just wanted to say how sorry I am    . I had my first BFN in September and I was a complete mess- so much so that I had to go on anti depressants. I think the thing that did me in was the fact that I tried to continue going to work as though nothing had happended(I didnt tell anyone at work until I couldnt cope). What helped me was allowing myself to feel upset, angry , sad and to post on here about it ....and also to get some counselling because I think , the whole infertility thing , for me is quite complicated and it has helped me to sort these feelings out.I know you will not feel like this ..........so shoot me ..........but for me also was trying to have a life also that was also about other things like , planning a nice holiday  or trips away , going shopping , thinking about what job I REALLY want to do - this has made me believe that I CAN have a very nice life without kids if it comes to that ...............but I am sure that is NOT how you feel right now so I am sorry if I have said the wrong thing .
I hope you give yourself time to grieve because that is what it is I think , the loss of a life .
Thinking of you and sorry that you are having such a difficult time - no one deserves this .
Much Love Chedza


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## bankie (Dec 27, 2007)

Hi Kirsty,

I'm so, so sorry about your BFN - sending you a massive  

I got my 4th BFN last week, so I know exactly how you feel.  I would say that however hard it is, you just need to expect to feel really depressed/angry/upset for at least a week or so.  I know that it's miserable, but I think it's just best to give in to it and work through it.  After that things will begin to get better - I'm sure that you will still have bad days, but they will become interspersed with days when it seems OK and that you can manage.

Realising that you have to have IVF is a big shock in itself and I know that most people going into their first IVF expect that it will work.  This makes it really hard to take when it doesn't, but you need to remember that sadly it takes most people more than one try, so you're not alone.  The first IVF is often a learning experience for you and your doctors, to see how you respond to the medication so that they can tweak it to get better results in future tx.

As Chedza recommends, you need to try and find a few things to look forward to, to take your mind off tx.  It could be a big treat like a holiday, or even something smaller like a good night out or shopping trip (personally a manicure or facial usually helps for me!!)  I know it may seem trite to try and cheer you up with these things, but it's just about realising that however hard IF is, there are other parts of life to focus on and enjoy.

Also, I know it's probably too soon yet, but when you feel up to it, start thinking about what you'd like to do next.  Do you want to try more tx?  When would be a good time to try again?  Arrange a follow up with your clinic so that you can find out how you responded during this tx and what your doctor would do differently next time.  I find that once I have a plan, it helps me to draw a line under the BFN and look ahead to a (hopeful) BFP.

I really hope that this helps Kirsty, and remember that we are all here to talk to whenever you need us.

  bankie


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## kirsty33 (Jan 21, 2009)

Dear chedza and bankie

thank you so much for your kind replies, i felt so alone and you girls have helped a great deal.

Im really sorry to hear of your bfn's, life can be very unfair.

I have had a duvet day today and am finally starting to accept it. I am going to take your advise and try to carry on as normal. I having a girls night in tomorrow complete with booze and bad food, my clinic is sending me out an apt for six to eight weeks and have said that everything was perfect with ec et etc and it was just rotten luck. 

So plan of action is to start a diet on monday to lose a few pounds, cut out booze and caffine completely and im also going to look into acupuncture. Hopefully i will be fit and healthy and will have increased my chances for next time.

Any ideas which board i belong to now that i'm in between tx?

Goodluck in your treatments, i wish you all the very best.


Love Kirstyxx


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## Felicity Wishes (Feb 18, 2008)

Hi Kirsty  

Saw your post and didnt want to read and run, especially as I have 'chatted' to you on the CFL Board.  

So sorry you are feeling really down, this feeling is completely natural and as the other girls have said you need to take time for yourself, you are bound to be extremely upset and hurt, you had put all your hopes and dreams into this and it feels like your world has been shattered, I felt this way after my first cycle ended in a BFN last year, I too was told the same, I responded well to treatment and got really good quality eggs & embryos, but it was just bad luck    The pain does get easier and you will start having good days again, I agree with the other girls it is good to have something else to focus on and look forward to so that tx does not completely overwhelm your life, as it so easily can do.

You sound like you are a strong lady and already looking at ways to imrpove your fitness and inturn your chances of your next tx ending in your long awaited BFP -    .

In terms of where you belong now! anywhere you like, there are loads of places on here where you will feel more than at home, there are of course the North East Boards for general chat and the CFL Board, there are also boards on Inbetween Treatment, General Chit Chat and Support Threads.

I hope you will come and join in on the North Easties Board and hopefully you can come along to some of the meets, it is a huge support to put a name to a face and talk things through with others.

Really Hope you are feeling better soon, life does throw us some crap, but then again it takes alot of rain to make a rainbow!!!

Love FW xxx


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Hi Kirsty
Anytime you want to PM me- just do it!!i am on my 2nd 2ww now- hell on earth- trying to savour my own advice to you ,but it is hard isnt it??
The duvet day sounds like a plan- may join you....only in my house !!!
Chedza


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## bankie (Dec 27, 2007)

Hi Kirsty,

I'm so glad that you are already making plans for the future, and hope that things seem a little bit better now.  I too am starting a diet on Monday, to give me something to focus on for the next few months - good luck with it!    

Chedza,

Good luck with your 2ww hun.  Hope that you don't go too    and that you get a lovely BFP at the end of it all.


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## Chedza (Jun 14, 2008)

Bankie
Cheers hon- feeling Ok - ish .............not trying to think too much   
Chedz


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