# 17 years of marriage ended after failed ivf, new partner already has 3 children



## dewyrex

Hi,

Firstly i have to say like we all do, it so comforting to be able to come here and read other stories, messages, moans and groans and air our feelings safely on here without feeling your being judged or misunderstood, it helps with the isolation that accompany infertility   

I haven't been on ff for over 2 years now. When i was with my husband nearer the end of our marriage my last post was under the name of "Kizzymax" when i was still living in my house, but now i am with a new partner and decided to use my dogs names as my new user name   

I was told 5 years ago now that my tubes were blocked and my ex husband had very low sperm count and anti bodies in his sperm, so we had iccsi only the once which began in the jan and didn't end until the july. I didn't respond at all on the 150 dose and ended up with cysts, so cycle got abandoned, had drug to remove that, and then because my fsh was 13.4 they gave me 600 does to hope that would stimulate me enough. Got 5 from that, 2 put back and didn't work 

When we went back the chaucer wanted us to try a flare cycle and i would of been happy to try again at that point, but my ex hubby didn't want to at that point and the talking began for us from that point!! He would say he didn't want to get into huge debt before even having a baby and that he didn't want to be like every other family he knew, skint with kids and stressed. For me it was simple i wouldn't of gave a monkeys if i gave up everything to have a family, materials meant nothing to me without a family and the cracks began from then on. I began to go further down, and the thought of staying with it just being him and me filled me with dread, i finally admitted to myself i loved him to bits as a friend but i stayed with him for years because i felt secure and safe and i know he would of made a wonderful dad, but when i actually examined our relationship we really didn't have any intimacy between us, we would never bath together, not even in the early days and when i used to go for my scans during treatment i never wanted him to come in the room with me and i didn't realise it was because we were a million miles apart on an intermate level and always had been.

Two years ago last month we split up as i got to the point where i used to go to bed and not want to wake up. I felt dead as a woman and felt my life had no purpose, i was lost completely so i left. We had been to a sex therapist for 10 weeks because of the lack of intimacy but we didn't even get to the first basic exercise of sensual massage, he just couldn't do it and i knew i had tries everything to try and make the marriage work but we were just friends and that was that.

I felt like i had been released from prison and felt more alive than i had in a long time. I was sleeping at my brothers house just on his sofa, and after living in my own 4 bedroom detached house with all the mod cons this shows just how unhappy i was before i left as was happier on my brothers sofa with nothing! My brothers house was kind of empty as his ex wife had only just left the house and he was living with his mate so it was agreed i could stay there. I cleaned it all up, i had nothing not even a cup or a spoon  but i carried on working and took up salsa classes and started getting stronger.

After a few weeks i released a bit of money from my own house and asked work for a years career break and decided to go away with the money on my own and do some voluntary work and try something new, really not like me at all . Anyway one night after about 3 months after i split up i was in a pub chatting to my friends brother and his mate was there and we got chatting and i realised i delivered his post as i was a postlady at the time, and because i had quite a few i cheekily asked if he would rent me a room in between travels just so i didn't have to put on my family. To cut a long story short, i put my number through his door on the monday and he text and asked me to pop around and he'd give me a tour and we were inseparable after that 

Though all of this my mind was taken off the fact that i still had a void the size of new york in my heart from lack of a family and we have had huge ups and downs obviously due to the fact i didn't give myself time after my marriage split, but by november last year i took a sharp spiral down and ended up having 10 weeks off sick with depression  

My new partner already has three children and doesn't want any more kids, he is a great dad and is really active in there lifes, we have them 2 times in the week and every other weekend but they are older so all i get to see is the teenage bits and thats really not great, believe me  I realised i had stayed in my job for 10 years really unfulfilled too just waiting for a baby then i would of left and stayed at home for years, i did have it planned you see just like most girls do, but i had another decision to make as was so unhappy at work, so at Christmas 09 i gave my notice and left!!

I managed to get some money together until the sale of our marital home and ive started property developing  It was just a way of doing something i liked doing, then i could properly support myself come what may, and when i get dark days i don't have to go to work and put a happy face on when inside i'm dying!

Yesterday i ended up at the doctors as i have been getting poorly with a bad chest, mouth ulcers and dermatitis on my hands, all signs i'm down again  I've decided to ask for help this time, and i felt a bit silly asking for it but i just said sometimes i get so down from the infertility and so scared about what the future will hold for me and i've never had counselling for infertility  and can you help me. Anyway the doctor was so sweet, he only looks about 25 but he was the most understanding doctor i've come across, he chatted with me and asked me to come back on tuesday to talk some more because he said this wasn't a subject that can be talked about in 10 mins, and he also said he wanted to spend time between then now and tuesday looking into all eventualities for me so he can do the best for me, making me cry writing this now because for once an outsider understood the impact this is having on my life 

I'm with a great guy now, intimacy is fab, bath all the time, really close and best mates too but no chance of kids because he made it clear from the start he has had his children in his 20's and they are getting to the age of doing their own thing  nad i understand that and respect that he feels that way, but i still get times when i am so empty i wish i could die. I have been finding the strength to make changes in my life and that was scary enough, i left a marriage, a job, changed my career and still the void and sadness is there.

Around november when i got depressed my very closest friend gave birth to a baby girl and we always said we would have kids around the same time, we always joked about this, and since she gave birth i have done the dutiful best friend things, i went up to maternity unit when she gave birth which was so hard and painful and put a smile on, i couldn't hold her though, and i cried all the way home for knowing i will never experience that myself. Then visiting her and offering all my help and support, phoning every day to make sure she didn't get low etc. The saddest thing is she is moving way from me now, and i knew it would happen, she goes to mother and baby groups and has new mummy friends and i hardly hear from her anymore unless i make the effort. She loves being a mum and sometimes i see her walking her baby and she seems so complete and i'm so happy to see her at peace but i know i will never feel that completeness she is, and that is so sad and i'm already getting myself in a pickle because i can't face the christening or first birthday, i just can't 

Well i was thinking about doing something really out of my comfort zone and seeing if the local paper would run an article about infertility and its effects and starting up a local support group where women can meet up more locally with others in the same position, it would be a way of meeting new friends for all the friends you end up loosing one way or another through the infertility, maybe it can help me on my road to moving on and may help some others

I'm really sorry i've went all around the houses and gave you my last 5 year history but it has helped me just writing this out like this and i would really appreciate any views on what i'm thinking about doing, not sure if i would be opening myself up too much or if this could be a way to move forward a bit more??

Thanks for reading this   

Karen
xx


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## MAL.

Did not want to read and run, sending you lots of             x xx


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## MIMI4

Hi dewyrex

Really felt for you when I read your story. I too have thought about starting a support group in my area. There is just nothing really here and I've asked gp for conselling and the wait is huge. I don't feel the time is right for me yet as I don't feel strong enough at the mo, but it's certainly something I've thought about. Good luck.

MIMI4


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