# Problems with partner needing to perform



## Loopie Lou (Apr 4, 2018)

Hi. Needing to reach out as feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. Does anyone have any helpful advice or supportive words to help me through the difficulty of a partner feeling the extreme miserable pressure to perform on and around ovulation? I don't know what to say or do to not feel like the one who is pressuring him. I need to tell him when I'm ovulating but that makes me the source of pressure.
My partner has a low sex drive and low sperm motility and DNA fragmentation. It seems nature is against us as he needs to ejaculate regularly to have lower sperm fragmentation. We've been trying to conceive for 4 years and have had two IVF rounds. Lately we're hitting the worst patch so far it feels of pressure to perform, to have sex regularly, especially around ovulation. The unsexiness around that and the ruining of our sex life and feelings of affection. Usually were very tactile so that's not an issue. It's all about the negative impact that infertility has on your sex life. He doesn't feel like it's going to be successful after all the disappointment so far and I don't know how to bring him up from the negative outlook that impacts our chances ultimately. It's sad to see him this way and also frustrating, I feel like a terrible person for having thoughts that if only he had a higher sex drive we would have better chances. This infertility so easily turns you against each other. It's frightening to feel these thoughts about the one you love.


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## Qpmz (Apr 16, 2018)

We call the period around ovulation ‘baby week’ and I tell him that baby week starts eg. tomorrow so he knows we need to have sex frequently. This is better than saying I’m ovulating right now! Has he been checked properly to see if there’s a medical reason for his low sex drive? It could be treatable and linked to infertility. 
I know from a number of sources including my clinic that taking 1000mg vitamin C and 800iu vitamin E daily improves DNA fragmentation. There’s nothing to lose and potentially everything to gain by doing this. 

Is it possible for you to take a break from trying to conceive for a few months (and him take the vitamins in the meantime)? Perhaps agree to start again in the New Year? I don’t mean use contraception but don’t track ovulation or worry about when to have sex for a while and take the pressure of yourselves. If you’re still in your 30’s then this could be an option. 

You sound like a considerate person and are empathetic towards your partner so be kind to yourself and remember this is not your fault.


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## Desperatelady30 (Aug 7, 2019)

Has he tried superdrugs male fertility supplements? They massively improved motility for my husband after 6 months of taking them. I know it's a long time but it might give him a bit of extra confidence in himself.


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## missl73 (Mar 12, 2018)

Jeeze Louise it certainly takes all the fun out of it for both of you, you’re definitely not alone in finding this hard. We’ve never been able to conceive naturally only with IVF (DH has severe MF infertility and high DNA fragmentation), but when we were trying and things got to the point where you are now so I totally understand how you feel. I stopped telling him when I was ovulating to take the pressure off and we just made more effort to have more regular sex (3-4 times a week all the time) and focussed instead on making that sex fun - we introduced new toys, positions, we would surprise each other (for example I went out and bought some new underwear). Basically we tried to focus on having great sex instead of having sex to make a baby. It made it a lot more enjoyable for both of us and meant he felt like I actually wanted him not just his sperm!


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Wow your post literally mirrors the last 6 years of my life. My husband is exactly the same, he even had to have surgical sperm retrieval for our first cycle of IVF because he couldn't produce the sperm sample on demand.

People still tell me that 'the miracle might still happen' but I know that's not true as for that to happen you have to have sex at the right time. It doesn't help that I get ovulation pain either so I know exactly when I'm ovulating and if nothing happens I get angry thinking another egg has gone to waste. It's a horrible vicious cycle.

I literally don't tell him when I'm ovulating now and just have to hope he's in the mood at the right time. 

I'm sorry I can't offer you an answer, but just wanted to let you know you aren't on your own with this one.


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## Loopie Lou (Apr 4, 2018)

Hi (I changed my post name from Jeeze Louise) Thanks everyone the messages are much appreciated even if there was a huge delay in my response!
They're good ideas - I will try the 'baby week' for sure. My DH is on supplements but I heard someone else saying how superdrug male fertility were good, I'll look into it and also see how much vit E and C he's on. 
I dont think it helps he works from home so there's no 'leaving work at the door' and looking forward to coming home to help get him in the mood, as well as all the IVF ********!


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## Loopie Lou (Apr 4, 2018)

Hi (I changed my post name from Jeeze Louise) Thanks everyone the messages are much appreciated even if there was a huge delay in my response!
They're good ideas - I will try the 'baby week' for sure. My DH is on supplements but I heard someone else saying how superdrug male fertility were good, I'll look into it and also see how much vit E and C he's on. 
I dont think it helps he works from home so there's no 'leaving work at the door' and looking forward to coming home to help get him in the mood, as well as all the IVF ********!


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