# Advice needed please!



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Dp and I have been looking at a profile of a LO who is of mixed race, we are both white. Dp is worried about the fact that LO will clearly not look like either of us and therefore it would be obvious to every nosy stranger we meet that they are not our BC. We are both happy with our decision to adopt but he's worried that we'll spend the rest of our lives explaining that LO is adopted therefore making it a constant issue... I feel that I've fallen for this little one and am being ruled by my heart and he is using his head! 
Also is it in best interest of LO to live in a family where no looks anything like them? Am struggling with this waiting since approval so it all feels so much worse.
Opinions anyone?? X


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Hiya


What a dilemma! This is just my personal opinion I am no authority on the subject.

Part of me say's it should not matter what religion or ethnicity you are as long as a child that needs a home gets one, that is at the end of the day what it is all about, however that is really not as easy as it sounds.  I do feel your hubby has a point,  unfortunately people can be so nosy it is inevitable you will end up having to answer questions on many occasions and if you have to answer imagine how it will feel for a child? Children are often blunt and unemotional when they see something which doesn't make sense to them and will ask your child "why are you black and your mum and dad are white"  Will they be emotionally prepared to answer that, maybe? Who's know's?  In an ideal world we would all like to just get on with our lives with our children and not to have to answer questions about where they have come from but in this case it will be inevitable. 

I have only just told my colleagues I have been matched and start intro's this week and I was shocked at how blunt they were in asking about her history, was she neglected? was she abused? So nosy and intrusive, my answer by the way was "she doesn't know her own history yet so I'm not likely to tell you"!!

What stikes me most from your post is "am struggling with this wait since approval" I know how awful it is to wait and how frustrating it all is and equally how easy it is to fall for a little one. Easy for me to say but try and be patient.  Having said that you might well decide this is the right child and if so I wish you all the love and luck in the world.  There is nothing to say this cannot work out, there are many families that are blended and are perfectly happy, just means you would all have to be a little thick skinned.

Let us know what you decide. xxx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi, 

I would be inclined to agree with dh    

Our son has a different hair colour to dh and I and even with this he feels 'different', he is coming up 6 and discovering his identity.  He is getting there but it was heart-breaking hearing him say 'I just want to be like you and daddy'.

There are white adopters who have successfully raised/are raising mixed race children, but personally I would not be strong enough to help a child who could feel so 'different' to everyone else. 

In the early days we used to get 'Where does his hair colour come from then', obviously you don't want everyone you meet knowing your business so i'd reply with something like  'It is in both of our families' (which it is).  With skin colour, I hope people wouldn't be so blunt, but, people can be nosey and horrid at times, so how would you answer and how would you feel about answering questions like that? And then ask yourself how you'd feel if you're getting the same questions when the children are older and listening to your reply? 

What does your sw say?


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks both for your thoughtful replies x more thinking and discussion to be done as we have a little while before we have to decide...!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

This is a total random thought and if it is of no use to you ignore it. A girl I went to school with was mixed race white British and British Pakistani. Her Dad (who was British Pakistani) left the family when she was little and she was brought up by her blonde haired, blue eyed  and incredibly pale skinned mother. Her skin was very dark you wouldn't have guessed she was mixed race from her skin tone. 

When we met her mother as teenagers I'm embarrassed to say we all stood open mouthed in shock due to the total lack of resemblance. She rolled her eyes let out a breath and said yes my Mum is white my Dad wasn't and that's why I'm this colour and then laughed. She had dealt with people's confusion about her Mum's colour her whole life and t didn't bother her at all she just thought people were pretty stupid that they couldn't put the pieces together on their own. 

I know it would be different being adopted but many children look very different to their families biological or adopted. I guess the question is can you handle the looks and intrusion you will get because if you can then your little one would probably manage it too x x x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks Gwyneth27 x


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

In the same vein as Wynnster...our DS has beautiful deep brown eyes - but we both have blue eyes. He is only just 4 but can get quite upset about not being exactly the same as Mummy and Daddy.  However...one of his best friends is mixed race and has just been adopted by his (white) long term foster carers - it wasn't a problem for them or him.  

Just to throw another spanner in the works, it is possible that this LO's SW may only be looking for a mixed race couple or single adopter, or someone that had links with his heritage   

Good luck, I know how you feel at the moment!

Peacelily xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks Peacelily,
When we initially saw the profile we hesitated as were unsure if we could be the family LO needs but sw encouraged our interest... I am also worried that LOs sw will not consider us suitable! 
Ah well what will be will be etc...!
Will be encouraging DP to talk about this over the weekend, being a man he is not always good at this  

Xx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Need a "Like" button, Girlonsea


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Girlonsea love that one  
Will be contacting sw tomorrow to say we want to be considered for LO, thanks everyone will let you know if we get any where xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Will have all my fingers and toes crossed for you x x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,


We have 3 beautiful adopted children, the eldest is tall skinny and blond, the next is really short (0.4th percentile) and has bright red hair, and then we have our daughter who is dual heritage, and very obviously black.....although we dint know any specifics of what origin. So as someone commented, were a bit like a Bennetton ad. People do look, and some children do ask, but we wouldn't have it any other way. If you don't think that you can bring a dual heritage child up with confidence and to be proud of how they look because you'll be worried about what other people think, the don't do it. But equally if you think you can adopt a white child with out people asking and noticing then that is unlikely to happen. Sorry if this is blunt, but its so important for trans-racial adoptions for the adopter to be fully comfortable with promoting the diversity. 


XxxruthXxxruth


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks for your comments, you sound so proud of your family x 
The issue here was never really about our ability to bring up a mixed race child as we are already parents with a vast experience of children from both different backgrounds and ethnicities. We are proud to be parents now and will equally be proud to parent any child that joins our family. The intrusion of nosy strangers into our family life was dps worry, no doubt this may happen at some stage but I'm sure we'll have the confidence and strength to deal with it!
Xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who gave advice but unfortunately LOs sw has decided not to interview us  
Ah well more waiting for us, 6 months post approval now....
Anyone else out there still waiting...?! Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ah I'm so sorry that sucks. Emma has been waiting since November and I know she is struggling with it. (She is being really strong but it's really hard for her.) She has a diary on the adoption diary section I'm sure she'd love to share thoughts. Hope something comes through soon x x x


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Sorry to hear that Crazyspaniel    I'm still here too


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi Crazyspaniel,

Isn't it sooo frustrating.  We to have agonized the pro's and cons of different issues, can we offer the best family to a particular child, even had some disagreements about what we can deal with.  Only to be told, often in an off hand way, that we are no longer being considered for that particular child and we must be patient and wait for "our child" to come along.

We were approved in July last year and I have to admit I am really struggling with the ups and downs.  It is a rollercoaster that on many occasions has felt so cruel.  We also have a child at home, we have been told that this has caused us to be ruled out for a number of children.  I am hoping to one day look back on this phase of our life and feel the pain and upset was worth it because our child was out there waiting.  At the moment I'm sorry to say at times I regret starting on the road to adoption.

Sending some   because I know that upsetting "not this time" phone call is hard to deal with.

Take care

Jules


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks Gwyneth, will take a look at that x

Jules ,
Sending   right back at you x it's lovely to know there is someone else in the same position!

Peace lily, here's some for you too   x 

Sooo hard not to get negative and wonder 'what's wrong with us...'


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