# new to site, just starting ivf, don't think I am handling it too well



## bevbubbles (Mar 18, 2007)

Hello, 

I am 36 with a 19 year old son. 

I had PCOS diagnosed in 1994, have had several unsuccessful attempts at becoming pregnant using clomid and was due to have ovarian drilling last september. This didn't happen as the specialist found I had many adhesions and 2 completely blocked tubes during the op.

I have just started taking synarel on 1st ivf attempt, but am not sure I am handling it very well.

I can't get over how unfair it is, people tell me that at least I have had 1 child, which feels like I am being selfish and silly for wanting another one.

I was 17 when I had my son, it wasn't planned. I love him very much and I sooo glad I had him, but I have always wanted to have another baby. I cannot understand why haven't I been able to have another child, I now understand the medical reasons why but it feels like I am being punished somehow - which I know is not healthy.

Has anyone else felt ike this?

I feel so angry - angry that this wasn't diagnosed earlier, angry that I didn't push harder earlier on to find out why it wasn't working.

I have been married before, my ex husband was not at all supportive, so maybe it wasn't meant to be. I found out recently he has had a baby with his new partner.

I am now marrried to a lovley sensitive supportive man, so why does it have to be so difficult?

It seems like everyone around me is having a baby at the moment, I don't really begrudge them this but it hurts and I can't help being jealous and can't help wondering what makes them more deserving than me & my husband.

We are not eligible for ivf on the nhs as I have already had a child - we only have enough for 1 round of IVF and I am already stressed out worrying about "what if this doesn't work"

I know I need to calm down and de-stress in order to give this our best shot - just not sure how I am going to do this.

Any ideas?


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Bev
Welcome to FF and espe the secondary If thread, you have come to the right place to share your worries and you will find lots of help and support here.  First of all so sorry for all the troubles you have been having and hope your luck changes soon.
If you have a good look around this site you will read lots of stories and realise that you are not alone and that is what is so brill about this site that you can share your worries, fears, hopes and dreams and people on here really do understand as they have often  been through it themselves.  So many of us feel exactly the same way and its very nice to know other people are on your wave length which does not happen very much in the outside world.
Not sure what to say and not worrying and stressing because we all do it, I sometimes use wine to help mine but not suggesting this as the best measure, I think you will find this website a great de stresser as you type posts and reply to people and look at different threads you will write so much that it becomes therapy in intself.  Lots of people use alternative remedies of acupunture etc to help and this is lovely and relaxing but comes down to money too.
I will not bore you with my story as its says it in the history at the bottom but I do sympathise with you and have been on quite a journey myself but wanted to wish you luck and support and say we are all here for you.
take care
susie


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

ps meant to say to come over to the secondary IF daily thread as its great support


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Welcome to the board Bev, you are certainly not alone in all your feelings.  Secondary infertility is such a mixture of emotions, and we have all felt them  (usually all in the same day!!)

As Suszy says, come over to the daily messages, you are more then welcome.


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Bev

I know exactly how you feel and I think you will find you are not on your own!  On Sunday last week my mother told me over the phone that she had watched a programme about a little boy who had some horrendous medical condition and that when I am depressed I should think about how lucky I am to at least have one healthy child.  Frankly, I don't feel very lucky given what I've been through over the last eighteen months (long story and it isn't just the infertility!) but even relatives can say the wrong things (not that my mother is very supportive anyway!).  I think people have no idea what to say to us, so they try to console us by saying the first thing that comes into their heads and this is a common one to women who have already got one child.  I say its even more painful because we know what we are being denied, and you cannot provide a sibling for that one child that you love so much!

As for feeling like you are being punished, I have felt like this every month over the last year!  I have said that so many times!  Can't think what I'm being punished for though!  It's like life just chucks everything it can at you and when you are feeling really low, along comes someone close who announces that after three months of trying they are pregnant with their second/third/twentieth!

This is a long and lonely journey.  Stick to posting on these boards and it will give you some comfort to know that how you feel is perfectly NORMAL for anyone going through this horrendous experience.  

Try coming onto the daily thread.  We all chat lots there.

Keep your chin up hun!

Amanda


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

evening bevbubbles, you most certainly are not alone in your feelings and be angry, we all here get angry and feel sorry for ourselves here and there. life stinks in a word at times, but not all the time...! come and have a moan whenever you want, does help. it is unbelievable how many pg women are around right now, all looking beautiful and smug. if one more women who is mother of more than one (they always are) says to me 'at least you have one' or 'you are not too old, cherie blair had one in her forties...' i will scream AAGGGGHHHGRRRRRRrrr'. welcome here and best of luck with the old ivf. i am currently saving up for one pop at it if that is what is recommended to me when i have an appointment in may. a friend of mine paid around £5000 recently and it failed but fortunately she already has a dd, also concieved from ivf a few years ago first attempt so it is down to luck i guess. all the best. joxx


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## xmissnawtyx (Sep 26, 2005)

Hello
Just wanted to say keep your chin up its a horrid rollercoaster of emotions that no 2 days will be the same but its just something that we just have to give a try and hope we get a result..
I went through IVF feb last year and hated every day and couldn`t wait till the last day of the 2ww.
The negative result was heart rendering but i think it has made me stronger as a person.
Having had 2 children previously i feel so lucky but it still doesn`t stop the yearning for another baby and no one should feel selfish..
Good Luck and i know people so keep positive but it really does help....
Jayne


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