# Contact Letters



## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

Have just written the contact letters for birth mum and birth dad this morning after putting it off for a bit! This is only the third ones we have had to send and haven't got a reply to them yet. Does anyone get a reply to their contact letters? x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We do ours a bit back to front to everyone else.  We get a letter first and reply to that.  BM is meant to write in June but it has never been June we got ours last week and I wrote my reply last night. I hate doing it. I was actually really hopeful that now BM has had another child which is staying with her!! That maybe she wouldn't write and too be honest wish she hadn't as the letter was about how she has suffered with really bad post natal depression since baby arrived! How the heck we will explain it all to Bubba I really don't know! She had even got the baby to do a picture for us as if!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

We just wrote our 3rd also and got our first reply. It was addressed to the kids though which was weird as I thought contact was supposedly to be between the adults. Anyway, it sounded like a goodbye letter to me - all about I know you are getting on well now no happy and I know you are going to grow up to be good people so bye. 

When they arrived I didn't want to read them as wanted to wait till the end of the day when kids were in bed as I thought it was going to be emotional -  it wasn't in the slightest! It was full of rubbish and there was no real emotion there. Dread the kids seeing it one day!


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## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

We've sent two but only received one back from birth father. Nothing from BM. 

What do others do about telling the kids about letters? Last year we read the letter to them (the bits we felt appropriate for them to hear anyway!) but now DD can read we're not sure whether to even tell them we are sending letters let alone if and when we receive them. The contract is between us as adults, with no cards/photos/gifts at  all. I've heard some people just keep letters for when they are older but kids don't know about them at all as they can be a burden, and as kids get older it becomes a stress knowing that letters are going back and forth. If only we had crystal balls!


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Hello ladies,

I have not been in a position like you since i didnt adopt, but i read what you posted. My ipinion is, if you see those letters to be a burden or somethingbthst woyld cause feelings of uneasiness, i wouldnt even show them to the kids, but would keep them. When they grow up, if they start asking about some stuff, you can show them. If not, just forget about them.


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Talk to your SW about the best way to handle the letterbox contact. Is the point of contact, direct or indirect, not so that the children themselves can have their questions answered about their birth family at an age appropriate time, I.e that their is an open line of communication that allows these questions to be asked and hope an answer comes when they arise throughout their life. Where we are more often than not at point of adoption order it is direct face to face contact that is stipulated by the courts anything from once to four times a year. I know this has been discussed on here before and there are pros and cons for it but the fact is that it has been proven in many many cases to be a positive in children's lives as they grow up and begin to form questions about who they are. The point of letter box contact is most definitely to help the children so I would think that these letters should be shared with them as appropriate in an age related way. Whilst the point of letters are for the good of the children it does also help the birth family. I have seen first hand the effect of loosing these little ones to adoption on birth families. They are losses that they never get over. Homes and lives become a shrine to these lost children. If us the adopted parents who are in a much stronger emotional and physical place can play a small part in helping to support this loss to these families should we not play our part. These letters are probably huge for many of these parents. If nothing else when the child is older we can say we did our best!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I've just written our fourth, we've had one reply from BM and always from siblings as they are all in long term FC placements. We will always write regardless so we can say we have done our bit for our daughter. If we get a reply from BM this time - doubtful but we will see - I would discuss with my daughter. Just the key bits. I think the earlier you can get into the habit of having those types of conversations the better. Normalises it more. She has the cards from siblings in her bedroom. She never knew them and I don't say brothers as she has a brother, but they are the boys who also came out of BMs tummy, that's all she needs to know for now. I do hope BM replies, I think having that link is important for my daughter to understand her story more deeply. However I feel no threat from BM, she has significant learning difficulties and in time my daughter will overtake her cognitive ability, so she isn't in my mind a mother figure. If I'm honest with myself and she didn't have these needs I may have more of a worry around contact.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

It's a tricky one. If we get any responses, my plan is to read them to LO without making too big a deal of it. Just as I would if he hot a letter from a relative. Then put the letter away in his memory box. He's only two so this time he won't take it in but I want to get in the habit. Of course it'll be harder as he gets older, especially if the content seems inappropriate. Perhaps then I'd say something like, "I had a lovely letter from X who says hello and that she is thinking of you." Then some general chat about her. I think I want to avoid a revelatory moment when he's older when he's confronted with loads of letters... (if we ever get any!). I also plan to involve him in correspondence from the start, drawing a pic to send etc.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

I guess everyone is different.  I couldn't read our letters to Bubba. She knows she is adopted and that x and y are her birth parents. The letters are written like we are looking after Bubba for her! We get phone calls every year from letter box team as content borders on not suitable. Bubba would have known that the new baby is technically her brother and frankly I don't want to go there. Bubba knows we write and x writes back and that she is fine. For a long while Bubba believed I text x to tell her what she was up to. 
If Bubba asks we never lie but I certainly don't think she needs to know about another arrival or would have any clue about what x is actually going on about, especially when she talks about walking down the aisle with bubba when she gets married!!!


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Is Bubba's birth mum planning to keep the new baby?
Since her attitude is the way it is, you ahould point to her what makes a parent the real parent. Also, tell her that Bubba was lucky to be adopted by you because many children end up in not so good homes. I understand that perhaps she had valid reasons to give Bubba away, but her attitude is not a convenient one to people who made Bubba their whole world. 
By law, do you have to even keep in touch with the birth parents?


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Cosmo your post shows you have no understanding of uk adoption. Bubba will have been removed for her safety. If AAA wrote that SS would tell her her letterbox is not appropriate. By law we don't have to but our children knowing where they came from is an important part of their life story and identity and being at peace with that should create less problems and them searching for answers from birth family when they are older. I am sure you mean well but you are passing comments and judgements on an area you simply don't have knowledge about. Sorry to be blunt.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We've done 3 letters now and about to do 4th. We have always had a reply from bm and from siblings adopted elsewhere. Nothing from BF or grandmothers. 
I actually like getting bm's letters and we also reply to her letter rather than the other way around. Currently our son is only 2 so has no real comprehension of them but we will be involving him in the letters when he is old enough to contribute to them himself. My worry is that at a young age if he gets used to her 2 letters a year and then she stops how that would be for him. My hope is in the next couple of years she's continuing to write those fears will be lessened.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Thats true Lolly. I dont have knowledge of the adoption system as i didnt adopt nor anyone i know in the UK. This is why i ask all the questions, but i think im entitled to my opinion, whether right or wrong, but thank you for enlightening me.
I can only imagine how many worries and concerns all the adoptive parents have. Where i come from,there is no any kind of contact. Once the child is adopted,thats it. Sometimes,when they grow up,they go and look for their birth parents. I know that sometimes they dont even discover they were adopted,but thats very rare. On the other hand, in my husband's country,a child from age 2 starts being introduced to the concept of adoption,regardless whether his parents are known or not (in cases where children were abandoned with no family trace).


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I think for me I need to be honest so that my daughter knows the person her BM is so that my daughter doesn't ever feel that the grass will ever be greener... Not that I paint her to be a bad person, more that she's incapable of being a mummy to her. And I suppose it is easier for me as this isn't a situation she can ever turn around, it is what it is xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

The problem with have are BM seems to live in a fantasy and all her letters honestly  would make you think why?? They do me when you read the letters but don't consider all the actual reasons! We both feel Bubba will need to have all the information and for it to be dealt with when she understands as the picture painted by BM certainly questions everything. We talk about adoption, life story and her bp's often but this information is not suitable for an almost 6 year old.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Really useful to read through this and think about some of the issues we will face as Cub gets older. Quick question: any of you who have changed names, how do you manage that as LO gets older. We've slightly chaged Cub's name and at the  moment we refer to him by old spelling in letters. But not sure how he'll feel about that when he's reading what we send.


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

We also use the old spelling in letters that we send but as we have only added one letter to the name it is not a huge change so hopefully will not be a problem! x


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

We have changed our youngest 's name and refer to him by old name in letters. My view is it willl make him harder to find on social media I hope so I will stick to it. I plan to explain we the name change to him as he gets older though so hoping it won't be too much of an issue - only time will tell


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

We've changed names completely - and use the old names only. We don't ever want BF to know their new names, it would risk our safety too much. This way they have their letter, and we know we are safe. No reason at all to do otherwise. The children do not see the letter before it is emailed so I change the names to the old ones at that point (even they do not know baby's old name!)

aaa - if I were you I would send back unsuitable letters (and asking your DD to walk BM up the aisle is unsuitable) and ask SS to sit with BM to write an appropriate letter. If its not appropriate then it goes back - and she doesn't get hers in return. SS should be managing this - especially as their is a sibling relationship involved. I don't think its inappropriate for drawings from siblings to be passed on by the way - but its SS letterbox coordinators responsibility to check the letters before it comes to you. It doesn't sound like that is happening properly. I'd ask for that before the next letter. hope that helps.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks. We pretty much every year get a phone call from ss saying this isn't right she shouldn't really have written this. I think we decided unless they were of real value to Bubba we wouldn't read them to her. We have folders of information why bubba ended up with us. When I asked the lady that rang from letterbox team how would we answer the question why this latest arrival has been left with BM she couldn't answer. I have refused letters and photos from BM sister. I truly believe the whole family believe we are bubba carers and not her parents. It's so hard knowing what is right or wrong. We have never lied to Bubba about her adoption and I never would but these letters are upsetting to me, so obviously full of total fantasy I dread Bubba ever seeing them.


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