# Counselling for Donor Cycle



## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi there,

Just wanted to find out if any of you went ahead with counselling before going ahead with a donor cycle, whether you would recommend your counsellor, and also what kind of things they covered with you.

We are on the road to TX, I will probably take my D/R injection in a week.  I thought everything was under control in my head.  But I am getting a bit wobbly and I am sure that being on the pill has made me feel much worse.

Would love to read some of your feedback.

Eggtastic x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi there,

I have had approx 5 attempts with my own eggs and 3 with DE over the past 3ish years and for the last 12-18 months I have been seeing a counsellor on a regular basis. Not attached to my clinic but she is a fertility specialist (was recommended to me by DCN I think)
I would see her sometimes weekly, sometimes fortnightly, sometimes only monthly depending on what stage I was at and how I was feeling

I found it a huge help in making the move from OE to DE and in going though my DE cycles with all the ups and downs along the way. The sessions were very much led by me - in that she let me drive the discussion and focus on the things that were worrying me/top of mind at any time.

When I was initially considering DE we talked about how I felt about it, what my concerns and worries were, the pros and cons of tx in the UK vs abroad, anon vs ID release donors - basically anything I wanted to discuss really. Once I was going through tx it was more immediate concerns such as had I made the right choice of donor, would there be enough eggs, would they fertilise, was I doing the right thing etc etc

The thing I have found with counselling is that the counsellor is not there to give you answers or to offer opinions of their own. Rather it is a neutral environment in which you can explore your own feelings, come to terms with them, understand why you feel a certain way, which in turn helps you to change the way you feel if you are feeling negative etc
Occasionally I would come away feeling worse because the session had stirred up certain feelings, but mostly I came away feeling much more positive and overall I'd say it has been invaluable to me

I'm now 28wks pregnant with DE twins and fully intending to return to my counselling in the future (taking a break mostly because I am physically struggling to do much now and the counsellor is a 30min drive away) as I know that new issues will arise as the babies grow and I start to tell them (and possibly other people/the wider world) about their origins (I'm single so I have used donor eggs and sperm so there will inevitably be questions asked perhaps sooner than with a couple)

In conclusion I would wholeheartedly recommend my counsellor and am sure that the counselling helped me get through a very difficult period in my life. It is REALLY important to get the right counsellor though - and everyone is different in terms of what they are looking for, how they relate to people etc, so what works for me might not work for you. I would recommend shortlisting perhaps 2-3 counsellors in your area (recommendations from Donor Conception Network or http://www.bica.net/ (British Infertility Counselling Assoc) and then meeting with each of them once to see how you get on, whether you feel you could work with them and establish a rapport - and go with the one you feel most comfortable with

As a final note, those 'wobbles' are very common even when you think you've thought the whole thing through and you are certain you are making the right decision, there are still moments of doubt (eg when you get your donor details, when you start your cycle, the day of transfer etc) All to be expected....but certainly counselling is one way to help you through these and to give you a chance to talk about your feelings without any bias or judgement etc

Hope this has helped, 
best of luck
Suitcase
x

PS my counsellor is based in Aldershot so if you are by any chance in the Hampshire area I am happy to recommend her personally - just PM me 

/links


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi Suitcase    First, congratulations on your pregnancy.  Your post has certainly helped.  Thanks for the offer of recommending your counsellor but I am not anywhere near you so I will contact BICA or Donor Con. Network for a counsellor.  Thanks for sharing the fact that the 'wobbles' are a normal part of the process.. I have been quite brave with most of our tx and have been the leader in most of it and have been quite strong in making up my mind, and going for what I want and believe in.  I think in reality, I have probably not really come to terms with saying good bye to my own eggs and that is what breaks my heart.  At the same time, I have just  wanted to get on with it, but DE is a whole new concept and step, and maybe, I hadn't really given the enormity of the decision the time, acceptance and respect that it deserves...  I think I am going through the process of grieving the chance of carrying my bio baby.  I am also feeling insecure that the baby will only be bio related to DH.  And with these feelings I have a whole load of over insecurities raising their ugly heads    

I know I need to get a grip.  But this pill is not helping my emotions... Thats why I have thought that maybe counselling could help...  

Thanks for listening and advising Suitcase!!!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

eggtastic (great name by the way   )

  it is a huge decision and I completely understand the 'just wanting to get on with it' - when you have been ttc for some time, your only goal becomes to get pregnant as soon as possible, especially as you watch friends, family and other FF's become pregnant around you over the months and years. But do remember with DE that time is on your side as it's the age of the donor that counts   

One thing I would add is that now I am pregnant, and really right from the very start of the pregnancy, I have never felt that these are anything other than my babies. I am grateful to the donors for making it possible for me to grow and carry them but they are 100% mine as far as I am concerned - my body is supporting them, my blood is flowing to them, and I am the one who will give birth to them, love them, and help them grow into happy healthy adults. They are as much a part of my family as my sister's (biological) children and I know they will be treated as such by their aunts, grandmother etc
I'm not saying it's been an easy path to take and if you asked me even now I'd still say I wish I'd been able to use my own eggs but that just wasn't an option and I'm mostly just so happy that DE even exists/is possible and that I have been able to experience pregnancy and will be able to experience motherhood
At the end of the day family is about the people you share experiences with, that you love and who love you - and not about genetics   

But these are all difficult issues to grapple with and it does sound like counselling could really help you, and I'm sure you are already doing so, but keep talking to your DH too   

Take care,
Suitcase
x


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## Millie25 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi eggtastic,

I am in absolutely the same position as you, after waiting for 4 months for a donor, we were matched at the end of November. I went for my down reg on xmas eve, and have been a bundle or nerves and worries since! I thought I had worked through things but everything came bubbling back to the surface once it started happening.

Echoing what suitcase said, we have had 3 counselling sessions, and they have helped immensely just to talk through the thoughts running round your head and realising that they are normal and how you are going to cope with them.

I like you have kind of rushed into going into egg donation, I was diagnosed with Ovarian failure in March and had a few months over the summer accepting and deciding and being sick of being in limbo just wanted to move forward, so joined a private clinic's waiting list late in the summer.

As it happens our donor has just pulled out. Which was pretty devastating as I was all drugged up and ready to go. But hopefully we will have another match for February.

Good luck with your journey, let me know how it goes. xxxxx

jxxx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I just wanted to second Suitcases feelings re her babies. 
I have 3 month old twins who I'm pretty sure are both from DE. However they are MY babies. I could not immagine life without them. If I were given the option I dont think I would alter my poor ovarian reserve as, if I did, I wouldn't have these wonderful amazing babies. 
what you get given are a few cells. what grows inside you are your babies. feeling them kick , feeling them grow, it's the most amazing thing.and when you meet them, and watching them learn and change..... I'm so looking forward to the future. 

i hope you find a councillor that helps. I saw one a couple of times but i found she gave her opinios which were generally against everything i was doing so didnt really help   

millie - i hope you get another donor soon. 

suitcase - good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I hope all goes well for you, and your little miracles.   

x x


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## Oceana (Aug 31, 2010)

Hi,
I went to a fertility councillor once. My clinic had a rule that in order to do donor egg you had to do counselling. As it ends up the person who offered to be our donor we felt very uncomfortable with (she had way to many personal issues to ignore )  in my country there are next to zero donors so we chose to go overseas. 
I feel I'm lucky that I don't see donor egg as a second best option at all. Facts are I didn't feel I wanted kids when I was younger and now my husband and I want them this is the best option for me, not a second best. Because my decision feels so right to me  and I feel I have weighed up the pros and cons I  really don't think I need to see a councilor. 
Suitcase ... I think you said it all beautifully.
All the best.


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I am in the same position as all of you with regards to donor eggs and all the issues attached to this. I have seen a counsellor and have been lucky as she is attached to the fertility clinic at the hospital but also works for an employee support organisation so I get to see her free through work. I have found it really useful - much the same as suitcase really i.e - the going abroad vs UK, anonymous donor etc.. It really helped me to sort through my feelings, address my fears and acknowledge that I was grieving for the loss of my own biological link. Now, I am really positive about doing DEIVF and have moved forward. I just feel excited about having the opportunity to bring my own little miracle into the world!! Just got to hope it works at some point!!

Good luck to everyone xxx


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## JBox (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi, 
So i am officially on this thread coz tonight i am going to make the decision with my consultant to try tx with DE. I have had 6 failed ivf attempts and 6 failed IUIS. was diagnosed with premature ovarian failiure after my lo was born 3.5 yrs ago but i was convinced that if i had had one successful pregnancy i would be able to have another. so i carried on trying and trying. I have now come to realization that i if i want to extend my family i am going to have give up on my own eggs and move on to ed. 
I think i have gone thro all the different stages of greiving and mourning the loss, to anger, to frustration, to life isnt fair, to acceptance and to moving on. And tonight at my consultaion, when i actually go ahead with it but telling my dr ( who has been advising me to do this for some time) that we want to do it, it will become a reality. but I am wobbling big time today. 
I love my daughter so much, and so many people say to me ( and many on here too and i do understand it coz second infertlity is a whole differnt ballgame to first), that i should just be happy with what i have and stop there. But selfish as it sounds, i still want to fulfil my dream of having another child. 
but i am scared of what my feelings towards a DE pregnancy ( if we get to that) will be, how i will feel towards the child etc etc.
I have talked to a counsellor, and i dont think Im rushing into it all through my txs I have known that this was probably where we were heading, and coz of my agei feel that i shouldnt wait anymore, but i am worried that i am going back to stage one of grieving / mourning all over again....


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hello there,

Sorry I haven't been back on for a while.  Too busy having my wobbles... but feeling a bit better now that I am no longer on the pill.  Funny how as soon as I stopped the pill, I felt much better.  But then the Prostrap effects kicked in, and now Im on the Progynova, its effects are now also addedd to the equation.

It is hard to actually know how you really feel when you are on these drugs, as they really do play havoc with your emotions.  Its like I have had a personality transplant  

Poor DH is telling me that I just keep snapping at him and picking on him.  I try my best not to, its almost like I cannot control my mood and temper!  I hate myself for it.  

Then I do try to explain and to show that he need to be a bit patiant with me, for a little while at least, as God knows how he would be behaving if he had to take all the nasty stuff that I am on.  Im also taking High dose steroids... and I really do think all of the cocktail plus the stress of having to get my head around the loss and the mourning over loss of own eggs has taken its toll.

It is sad... and Ceci.bee, you explained it perfectly about your friend and how she felt.  I can so relate to those words... feeling your body has failed you.  Feeling a failiure as a woman, and hating your body and self...

Really, without having had any counselling, this thread has helped heaps... since now, I understand, no wonder I feel like I have zero self esteem, cannot accept or believe that DH is attracted to me or loves me.  Afterall, if, in my head I actually have come to believe, that as a failiure, there is nothing to love about me, then I have somehow made myself that surely, he cannot love me, or find me attractive.

It is very hard, and I never felt through my entire journey in IF that I would come to such a low point where I feel the way I do.  

To be honest, I don't expect anyone such as friends, family or even Dh to fully understand how I feel, why I cry about lots of things and why I feel so crap about myself, since how can they understand something that i cannot even make sense of.

I am seriously considering just making an appointment with a counsellor myself, on my own, just to be able to 'understand' myself... someone that will be able to help me see that what I feel may actually (I am hoping secretly) is normal and I am not just a nutter!

Really, no one should underestimate the effects of the transition from Own Egg to Donor Egg.  Some people seem to deal with it pretty well, whereas others, like myself have a tough time... not only due to loosing the biological link, but all the other implications on yourself as an individual (such the feeling of failiure, self blame, resentment, insecurity, which in turn can lead to anxiety, depression, and even a bit of paranoia).

I am being very honest here, by writing this here, I hope that I am helping others... at the same time I am helping myself in a very big way... 

I wish you girls all of the best and I know that eventually, whatever our fate may be, that we will find our own individual paths in life...


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

eggtastic -     

I think it often helps to write things down and what better place than here on FF where there are many others who understand. I know I have used this site as a place to 'vent' my feelings many times. I've always had loads of great replies and help, but even without that it would have been enough just to have somewhere to get it all out

You are right, the move to DE is not an easy one for many of us. Everyone has to do it at their own pace and find their own way...for some it will be easier/quicker than others but you'll find your own path through it. 

If you can find a good counsellor then I'd very much recommend it, it really helped me through some very dark and difficult times. 

And rest assured, you are quite normal and not at all a 'nutter' - infertility brings with it so many diffcult feelings and you just need to take time to work through them - you will come out the other side even if right now it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel

Thinking of you and hoping you find a good way forwards soon
 
Suitcase
x


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## JayneC (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi eggtastic


We are just at the beginning of our DE journey and have a lot to get my head round - but would strongly urge you to see a counsellor. It took me until a year after my ectopic and a failed OEIVF cycle - to put my hand up and realise that I needed help. I too felt all the emotions you described and did feel like I was going insane!! But after just one session, I felt heaps better. It was my time to talk about all that I had been through. I was giving myself permission to have that time to meltdown if I needed to and to say what I wanted to say. There was no restriction. I spent a lot of time early on trying to make other people feel ok - to not have them feel awkward around me. But actually - you know what this is about me and DH and we are now the priority.


From my experience, because we often don't have any physical demonstration of what we are going through ( like a plaster cast or something), then the outside world so quickly "forgets" what we have or are still going through and expects us to get on as normal. 


I have realised that this really is the last taboo in our society - so many women ( and men) have to go through the heartache of infertility or losing a pregnancy - yet it is not talked about it. It is not provided for in health benefits or employment rights. 
( Unless you are lucky to have a very enlightened employer). It seems we are expected to get on with it. But this is where the counsellor helped me realise that I have every right to feel how I feel and if I need to express it, then express it! Its better out than in! Like yesterday - not a good day - so I wrote down everything I was feeling - even those very dark thoughts which we often don't admit to ourselves. I gave this to DH when he got home from work - and because he could see what I had been thinking, it helped him to help reassure me. 


We've also got to remember how hard it is on our DH's - their priority is our safety and well being - it was us as individuals they married afterall! They just have a different perspective and bless them, they could not understand the desire to be pregnant, but do have their own feelings about having a family.


Eggtastic - I am sending you a huge number of hugs and just know you are amazing - you are so strong going through all of this and please don't forget that.     


take care


jayne


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## Jupiter2 (Jan 22, 2011)

Hello Everybody,

I'm just starting in my journey to  have a baby compared to a lot of people on FF. I got married in June of 2009 and have been TTC ever since. Due to my age, the two clinics I have gone to absolutely refused to treat me unless I used DE.

I was devastated. I guess I was walking around with blinders on but it never occurred to me I wouldn't be able to use my own eggs. I still haven't given up. I'm headed to New Hope in NY this Thursday to talk to them about mini-ivf. Nevertheless, I know that DE is my best chance to have a child.

Eggtastic, I understand exactly what you're feeling. My body has betrayed me, I'm a failure as a woman, I'm a dried up old hag. DH needs to find somebody better and younger. Intellectually, I know none of this is true, but emotionally, it's pouring down on my head. I wonder how I would feel about a DE child. I'm sure I would love him/her but I wonder if I would feel left out. After all, the child would be DH's genetic child. Actually, he wants a baby more than I do so I doubt I can deny him the DE if the mini-ivf doesn't work. But I don't want to be the outsider, the 3rd wheel. What if the child doesn't feel like I'm his/her mother? What if DH doesn't feel like I'm the child's mother? Will I do something stupid like burst into tears when the family starts talking about who the child looks like? All kinds of things are running around in my head and I don't seem to be able to pull it all into any kind of coherency. Basically, I think it all boils to down to my being scared to death.

JayneC, I love it that you wrote everything down and gave it to your DH. When I try to talk to my DH, all that comes out is jibberish.

On caring for a DE child, please read Helen3's post from yesterday on the hope for the over 40's crowd thread. She wrote very eloquently and it helped me a great deal. She made me feel as if there might be a glimmer of hope for my acceptance of a DE child if that's the way it has to be.

take care
Jupiter2


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I had a very interesting conversation on the train tonight.

I got talking to someone I know at work only from seeing her name on emails that I receive for one small part of my job. She was with a nurse I know and when that person got off the train, our conversation continued.
It started off with pet rabbits, to horses, to her daughter riding and to me saying I would not be riding any more soon because of the pregnancy.
I admitted I had taken 10 years and IVF to get this far and she said snap.

It then went onto the weather, the snow at Christmas and about my friend needing to get out to America for a donor egg transfer in the travel disruption.
She then told me that both her girls are DE - one from Uk and one from Spain and she told me all about feelings.
They apparently look the same, despite having different biological donors. One is a teenager and asking her mum about looks and boobs, and she said she is very open with them. She was reassuring about how they see their parents and the person who donated an egg to make them possible.
She also said that the donor is a miniscule part of parenting and once the baby is conceived/born you are totally amazed and in love that nothing really matters.

My DH is really struggling with how useless he feels about being infertile and me using a donor. She said that he will not be able to resist the baby once it is reaching up saying daddy with a big gummy smile and big eyes.

She said she stood by the cot and stared all night the first night she brought her precious baby home.

Parenthood, however it happens is priceless and a miracle.


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## JBox (Oct 31, 2010)

wow what an amazing story. just the fact that you shared such intimate and private details with someone you hardly know and your stories are so similar. I really dont know if i beleive in a higher presence, but sometimes it just freaks me out how strangers can come into your lives at certain crucial moments and play such integral roles. Its like someone, or something has put those people there at that moment in time in order to assist you get through a difficult and rocky moment. Does that make sense?


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## Helen3 (Dec 2, 2010)

Hear hear to Hopeful Hazel's last sentence " Parenthood, however it happens is priceless & a miracle"
My feelings exactly

Love to you all


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hopeful Hazel - an amazing quote from you m y dear!!!  

Thats amazing that you had that conversation with that lady.  There must be so many more people that have already gone through all of the emotions that we have or are, and have come out on the other end, realising that these details don't really make a difference...

We are now discussing the fact that we will probably tell the child (hopefully I shall get pg from this cycle).  But also, now are trying to decide whether we tell our close family.  Some I know will keep it to themselves, but others I am not so sure about.  The thing that worries me is that I don't want someone to blab it to my child before I get to tell them first... other children sometimes can be spiteful, and I would hate that to happen... 

How are you guys going about all of this and decisions based on this?  

Jupiter - all of your fears sound very similar to mine... maybe a lot of us donor egg ladies feel the same way and we just don't realise how similar our feelings actually are...

JayneC -    Thank you for your support!  I think that is exactly what I need to allow myself, to believe that I do have the right to feel everything that I am feeling.  What I have been trying to do is block the feelins and thoughts out and pretend I don't have any issues, but this is totally the wrong thing to do.  It is quite a difficult topic to speak about to DH.  DH is not very chatty... I think, that men can be a bit less expressive than us women (sorry, that sounds like a generalisation) but I suppose this is how we are as a couple.  i can talk forever but DH has more of a limit on all of the info he can take in lol... then I can just see his eyes glaze over... I suppose fertility talk can get a bit boring at times... but it is essential to talk and have everything in the open.

I do believe that I am such a stronger person for everything tha I have gone thorugh and do think that I am so much wiser and open minded.  So atleast I have these things that i have gained from my journey so far...

Suitcase - thank you for reassuring me I am not infact a nutter lol...    Well, at times you just don't know why and how these worries enter your mind, but being on here makes me realise that I am not the only one feeling these, and they are infact, totally normal.

I have called to book an appointment with a counsellor but she is busy till next week.  It would have been perfect to see someone on Saturday with DH...  I was thinking of the counsellor from Zita West... expensive but I think she may be good... 

In the meantime, I just wanted to let you all know that, you have helped so so much.  You ahve helped me feel reassured that it is 'OK' to feel the way I feel.  And that has made a huuuuge difference.

Thank you all


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

eggtastic - I have told close family and friends but they all know that it's not something they should be talking about widely - not that it's a secret, but just that it's private information and when it comes to telling the children, that's my role and not theirs
I haven't had to specify this by the way, I'm just lucky that they are the kind of people who understand instinctively   

Because I'm single and had double donation, the sperm donor question may well arise earlier anyway for me - I have nieces and nephews who at some point soon ish (the eldest is 6 now) will want to understand where their cousins' daddy is - so I have already discussed with my sister how best to handle this (partic as her hubby is Catholic and my nieces/nephew go to Catholic school and although I've met with no prejudice at all from the Catholic side of the family I suspect we need to be careful what the kids go saying at school!)

So I will be discussing the lack of daddy and the sperm donor topic from quite early on I expect, and quite openly as it's obvious there is no dad on the scene. 

When it comes to the egg donor this will be something which is kept more private and only really between me and the children initially - when they are older it's up to them whether they then share the information further. As far as I, my sisters, my mum, and extended family are concerned, these babies are 100% part of the family - I'll be telling the children because they have a right to know about their genetic background but that information won't change anything in terms of how they are viewed by the rest of the family anyway   

It's good to have people to talk to about all this, at least that's what I've found, and I'm lucky to have such great family and friends who understand and have been supportive. But at the same time, as you say, it's important to put the child first - so perhaps just be selective in who you tell initially and make sure they understand that it's private information and it's your role to tell the child not theirs....

wishing you the very best of luck for your upcoming tx
Suitcase
x


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Thank you Suitcase, I did go back a few times and modified my post so you may have missed a bit here and there.... I think this is what we will have to do and hope for the best... My side of the family are quite private and would keep their word but its the other side Im a bit worried about.  Your twins will be very lucky to have a Mummy like you, thanks for being so kind with sharing your experience with me and all of the others


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## Daizymay (May 13, 2010)

Dear Eggtastic & the rest of you lovely ladies,
I have spent the morning reading through my fertility journey diary and it dawned on me that if I had not had councelling I would not be where I am today. So much written in all the posts above rings home with me also. We are not nutters Eggtastic - we are perfectly normal trying to deal with the grief of infertility. I only had three sessions with a councellor but she helped me work out what I needed to do to work through my negative feelings and move forward. I was in a very black place last October/November when I began to realise that my egg quality/number is pants. I've just failed another cycle of IVF - but I'm ok with it. I've gone through the denial, anger, bargaining and depression and I'm now accepting where I'm at - facing donor eggs (or adoption). I'm sure this will be the beginning of more denial, anger, bargaining and depression but with my councellor on hand I know I have support to help me get through it. Both DH and I have booked to see her next week (big step for DH - he doesn't do emotions and councellors!) to help us identify and solve over concerns. I feel really positive. Suddenly I feel like we can have a family - I haven't had that feeling for a long long time. Good luck everyone on your journeys - I'm sure we'll all be getting to know each other better over the coming months. I too would like to thank you for your posts - they've helped me too.
Daizymay


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Eggstatic
As usual Suitcase has really helpful and sensible advice around sharing information with family.  Just to say that if you start 'telling' any child you have from when they are very young, they are unlikely to get the news from anyone else because they will have been hearing it from you in small building blocks right from the start.  You may want to have a look at the Telling and Talking booklets for parents that we publish (£8.50 for printed copy and £2.50 to download from www.dcnetwork.org) and which have a section on sharing information with others, and the story books for very young children.
Olivia


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