# Dreading Xmas already



## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Having a really down day today, think trigger to this has been seeing xmas decorations in the shops , and the start of xmas adverts on TV, even got a magazine through the post today with a page dedicated to 'xmas for your child';  Is anyone else dreading xmas already? I almost feel as if Im getting anxious about it, feel as if Im going mad . I know that Im not alone here, it just reminds me of dh and I's childlessness, rubs salt into the wound, just feel that xmas is all about happy families with children, we dont fit into this  Another reason Im feeling this way is that my counsellor has asked me to write down how I feel about 'infertility and the festive season' for next week as she is going to be giving a talk to a local infertility group on the subject.  I really dont think I can bring myself to put pen to paper and open up about how painful this time of year is for people like us, guess ive tried to bury these feelings but this time of year really causes them to resurface big time 

Meerkatz x


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## FS (Jan 2, 2008)

Meerkatz, me too.  Sister and mum have been asking what we're doing at Christmas.  They saw how gut-wrenching it was for us last year, and so even though we've been invited to sis' house for the day, they know that we're desperate to avoid a repeat exposure.  All I want to do is run away with DH to somewhere hot, and where we can pretend that not every single one of our siblings has children.  It's making me feel all churned up.  Have no idea what we'll really end up doing.  

What did you do last year?  Do you have siblings with kids?  Do you have family who understand and have been supportive and kind?

FS x


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## Francie (Mar 11, 2008)

Yes, it's awful for us at this time.  I haven't spent Christmas with my family for several years as it is totally dominated by my sister's 4 children. I advise NOT going to spend the day with family and instead plan something for you and your partners.  Last year we had champagne for breakfast, went for a lovely walk in crisp, perfect winter sunshine, cooked a whole goose (for the 2 of us!), drank fine wine and watched some great dvds in the evening. It was totally adult, totally indulgent and totally enjoyable.  Resist the pressure to join in with other people's children if you don't want to and give yourself permission to do the day as you want. 

Meerkatz, I can't help feeling it isn't really on for your counsellor to expect you to write something you find very painful to help her with her talk. I wouldn't want to have to delve into and describe my feelings of loss around Chrsitmas without children. 

xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

It is awful isn't it. I second the comments in Francie's post. Don't get sucked in to other people's Christmas (along with kiddies). We always spend christmas on our own. For quite a few years we rented a cottage and went away - I'd really recommend that. So you get to have a little holiday - and do your own thing - a cosy adult Christmas, with good food and wine and a real log fire. I always avoid family services at church too - it's just too much!! 
Bernie xxx


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## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Thanks FS, Francie and Bernie for your supportive comments  you are all so right, hopefully will just spend time with dh, we are fortunate in the sense that we have no neices or nephews who will descend on our house (although do wish we had them) , however I will need to buy pressies for a friends children which I do find hard 

Francie your xmas with your dh last year sounded wonderful  thanks for the idea ; Yes I also agree that the counsellor is expecting too much of me, maybe she thinks Im coping better than I am?  guess during recent visits I have not broken down in tears as have had to go back to work after the sessions, still she should be able to judge how I am feeling from my comments

FS, hoping that you dh dont have a stressful xmas again and that you both find something nice to do togther, just the tow of you; dh and I are only children  so no neices or nephews which is hard for us, but on the other hand can avoid having to deal with children at the festive season).  Our family is very small, so far they have understood our situation although have never asked how we both are since end of treatment.  Last year we spent time with our mothers.  Just feel that I go through the motions of Xmas, really do wish we could take off somewhere abroad (like you do) to a country that doesnt celebrate xmas!  My dh is a shift worker so we dont always get to spend xmas together  which makes me feel more lonely, luckily he is around this xmas 

Bernie, I like your idea of going away to a cottage, sounds bliss , good for you

Love
Meerkatz x


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## estraka (Aug 16, 2008)

All a bit late to post on this thread - I've only just found how to get back to the main forum to see these posts (duh!) - but I just had to comment!!  Francie and Bernie, your suggestions sound absolutely perfect. I so wish I had put my foot down but unfortunately I have been "volunteered" to host xmas and my mum and dad and sister, her partner and my niece (18months old) are all coming to stay.  argh!!!!  Unfortunately the idea fills me with dread and I so wish we had got our act together and booked something away to ensure we could spend it on our own!  probably too late to get out of it and I should be grateful to have such a great family.  I know they have forced this on me with good intentions, thinking that we really need our family around us at xmas time, so I'll have to suck it up and be less miserable and ungrateful about it all!

Xmas really isn't an easy time for yet another year of not having a child of our own to share it with.  Still, I appreciated your other post Bernie about being grateful and positive about what you have.  I will try to follow your fine example!  I understand the frustration that has been expressed on the bitter and twisted thread about people suggesting that people dealing with IF should turn the experience into something positive.  I think the point is that the negative has to be acknowledged but that the experience can make you stronger and to move on you have to find something positive - a new purpose and sense of identity.  You seem to have really achieved that.  I think I need a bit of work on that...and perhaps a while yet of ranting and railing before I can move on!

Best wishes to all.
x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for your comments estraka. But believe me I haven't achieved a totally positive outlook yet (!) I'm working on it though - because at the end of the day, what else can I do? Bitter and twisted is a phase we all go through and, like many have said, we need make no apologies for that. I still go through it from time to time but there comes a point when you have to let go of it and put it in perspective. There is more to us than our IF - so much more. 
Bernie xxx


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## ♥Tamsin♥ (Jun 29, 2004)

Christmas is indeed a hard time for childless couples.  ((((HUGS TO ALL)))) 
Like Bernie & Francie, we have Xmas Day alone - just DH and our 2 cats!  It has always been that way and all the family accept that.  There are only 2 children in the family, (DH is an only child), my sister's 2 boys aged 11 and 15 (bro is a bachelor), and I really can't imagine they have been affected by us not visiting on the big day!  We normally catch up with family / exchange gifts, a day or two after, which seems to suit all and we take it in turns to host.

xx


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## estraka (Aug 16, 2008)

brilliant!  What a great friend you have!  Sounds like you are going to have a good xmas after all.  Thought you were incredibly brave to be insisting on going to see family who are unlikely to be sensitive AND cooing over a baby.  MUCH better off with the house sitting idea!


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

I am also dreading christmas and to be quite honest am feeling totally depressed about it. I think xmas is a great time for kids but as so many of you have said it is such a smack in the face for all us people.

We seem to be avoided by family members who have children not sure if they feel bad or quite rightly just want to spend it on their own

We went away last year to A luxurious hotel with all the trimmings and it was great!!!  unfortunately we cant afford it this year so will be home alone.  I love my dh dearly but just feel so lonely and incomplete on a day that is meant to be full of cheer.  sorry to be so down but have my down days !!! and today is one of them

Hope you all have a great time whatever you all do 

Love shell 2


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

thanx diva b yeah we are just gonna chill out with dvds and good food  guess i need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Shell 2  xxx


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

thanx diva d feeling better today actually went xmas shopping earlier and me and dh have done food list.
Just had a down day thanx for your words of wisdom .
Hope you are okay
Shell 2


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Oh Rose i'm so sorry to hear your sad news    i really hope you are ok.

I just wanted to say well done you for booking your holiday!! I hope you have a wonderful time, your really brave but i bet you will have a great time. You may even have a holiday romance lol   Enjoy!!

Luv
Florie x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Christmas ... well ... let's say it's a time for all childless people to be very gentle with themselves indeed!  

We insist on a totally private christmas - just the two of us with winter walks if the weather is kind, nice food, nice wine, puzzles and games, stories from radio 7 and music.  Absolutely no television (can't be doing with the intrusion of the 'perfect' christmas every five minutes) and very little visiting.  

New Year is our time to be sociable.

Not a popular decision with our families, but every year I care less about their 'but it would be so nice to see you 'on the day'' ... it wouldn't be nice - in my own home I can have a quiet weep if I want to, quite apart from anything else!

Big hugs to you all - I think we all have the same issues - my solution is just to go into a totally selfish hibernation for 2 weeks!!

Jxxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

How about treating yourself to some really nice flowers?  I had some lovely berries in a vase last year that gave me a lot of pleasure and really brightened the place up.  Something to decorate the house and make it special but not, as you say, flying angels  

J


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## Kizzy161 (Jun 6, 2007)

Hello,

Hope you don't mind me jumping in.

We've just got though our third IVF/ICSI treatment of the year, had our first BFP on 2nd December but started spotting this week and a blood test yesterday showed my levels have dropped.  I don't have to say how gutted we both are, 'cos anyone on this thread knows about that all too well.  We'd agreed that this would be our last attempt.

I think we're gonna spend xmas day on our own but perhaps go to my Dad's for drinks on xmas day night (not  100% sure though as this'll mean keeping off the booze during the day),  but anyway,  this is the dilemma I'm transfering my grief to.............
........... shall we get a christmas tree and try to create something for the two of us, or would we be better giving in to the grief and hopelessness and not?  I don't know whether it'll be better to go through the motions, perhaps it's too early for that yet, then again, by denying ourselves the opportunity to do something special, are we just further punishing ourselves?

Karen x


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## Frizzie (May 29, 2007)

Hi all, 
Hope you don't mind me butting in.  I think this thread might be my saviour.  I feel so down this morning, a bit stuck in a rut not getting anywhere going over the same old thing.  Like that film.... what is it called 'Ground Hog Day?'.
After 8 years ttc and 7 Christmases feeling this empty feeling, I just don't know if it will ever go away.  We have done all the usual stuff, trying to get on with our lives, working hard, continuing the treatments, moving house, turning up to friends houses with their families with a smile on our faces, congratulating best friends when they are pregnant, then coming home and crying about it (well me anyway!).  Sometimes though it just all catches up with me.  And I think that has happened this morning. 
Perhaps buying some sprouts, pancetta, chestnuts and marsala wine to attempt Nigella's Christmas sprout dish might help - or perhaps I should just drink the marsala wine?!!
Sorry to be a misery - feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning.  
Frizzie
x


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

Frizzie
I can totally relate to how you feel and its not being miserable its letting it all out when you know there are other people here who understand.
We all go through the motions this time of year through gritted teeth and its only natural to feel the way you do.
Hope the trial run xmas dinner went okay and i think drinking the masala wine was a good idea  
We have been trying for 13 yrs and it is tuff but you have to focus on what youve got and make the most of it but its okay to give in to feeling down too dont feel guilty.
Sending you a big hug of reasurrance
Take care 
Shell 2


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