# New to FF; how to handle newly pregnant friends?



## smallbutmighty

Hi all,

So I think it is probably about time I reached out for a little support please as it has been well over a year and since then I've stopped counting! I found months 6-9 pretty dark and have mostly come out of the rage I did feel by reading and relaxing more, spending time with friends who have more going on in their lives than just babies, and I've started running. But the one thing that keeps tearing it to front of mind is friends announcing their pregnancies right in my face. Before anyone knew I was trying, I just got an email with a scan attached, which was fine because I could deal with it privately and send the appropriate response. 

But I told a small group of friends having believed it was a good thing to do for support, and now they're in my face all the time telling me about their pregnancies and babies! The first one rang me to say she was on the way back from her scan and wanted me to be the first one to know. I said congratulations and held it together asking the questions about due dates, etc, but then said I had to go back to work and she said she was "sure it would be soon" (so irritating -  based on what exactly?). But I didn't really want to hear all about it so I've blocked her number for a while! 

Another one is worse, telling me that for her and her husband they just relaxed and it happened first time so I should do the same and "not worry about it". Then she rang me to moan that she thought she might have fallen on her first cycle after breastfeeding and she couldn't believe it because they'd planned for one month later than that and it was inconvenient. Can anyone actually be that thoughtless unwittingly? I didn't think so, so I told her where to go.

So I confided in another friend that I was going for an HSG and that I felt quite isolated a few weeks ago. She'd told me they were planning on trying later this year, so no 'conflict of interest'. Tonight she dropped by at long last and I told her that we were about to go up the IVF road and she said she thought that was great and then in the same breath announced she was pregnant. I was speechless and then managed congratulations. She'd wanted to go out for drinks and dinner to tell me and it was only because I'd had a migraine we wound up at mine having a cuppa instead. I'm ashamed to say I crumbled because I felt she was gloating somehow as her next topic was about how big the house they were buying is and asking to see pictures of a much smaller house we're trying to buy. In the end, after about 10 mins of shock I did cry and eventually she left. But it was pretty horrible. 

I just feel like the whole 'reach out' message is misguided, because the odds are your friends aren't in the same situation so all you get for it is them coming round especially to tell you their great news because they think that is somehow more tactful. They don't actually offer any support, so all I've done is reveal something very private and make myself an object of gossip and pity. I feel humiliated now whenever I am with that group of women/their partners who I barely know, because there are weird long pauses in conversation, so we've started skipping social events. Am I the only one regretting having been open about this?


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## Keeping busy

Big big hugs  . The whole thing sucks, is horribly hard and makes you want to cry. Unfortunately most people are c*ap at being supportive especially if they are preg as they become totally wrapped up in themselves. We have cut a lot of people out of our lives as it's just not worth feeling hurt by them but for every friend I've lost to infertility through this site I've made another one. Good luck xxx


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## MandyPandy

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. :-(

The thing I found while going through it all, is that when you say you are going for treatment, all they hear is that you are trying for a baby so you're in the same boat as them and want to do nothing but talk about babies. They don't realise how painful it is. They think because you want a baby, you want to talk about it and get excited about it.

I sent my friends an e-mail, spelling out how it made me feel and asking them to e-mail me if they had pregnancies to announce so I could deal with it in my own time.

I also sent them the 'Empty Arms' clip and the Relate info on how to support someone suffering with IF.

...but I also did the same as KB and avoided my pregnant friends. I found it too hard. I had to be selfish for once. Those who really cared about me completely understood.  The good thing about doing that is that now, the friends I have are good and true friends who I know really care about me and those who weren't supportive are no longer in my life.


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## smallbutmighty

Ah, so it isn't just me then! That does make me feel better. I shall heed your advice, thank you. 

I have the sense from them that they feel I'm being terribly unreasonable. I called and made my apologies about going away for a weekend later this month with my two newly pregnant friends and another mum, and the mum said they were all very sensitive and wouldn't be talking babies at all and that she was very disappointed in my not coming over something silly like that. She actually made me feel guilty for about three seconds before I just said that it wasn't unreasonable at all for them to want to talk baby, but equally it was reasonable for me not to want to listen to it. But the tone I'm getting from that group, along the lines of, "Well, you should still be happy for us at all times, grow up" despite the total lack of support does mean I think we're probably done as a friendship circle.

It has worried my husband who obviously wants me to go out and socialise more to take my mind of things, but he has at least now changed tack and suggested spending time making new friends when we move!


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## MandyPandy

Could I just ask how old they are? They sound quite immature.

You're not being unreasonable at all.  It is possible to socialise with people who do understand, although I must admit I did become a bit of a hermit throughout it all. I found I didn't really want to see people and explain things to them - not only was it difficult for them to understand my point of view, they couldn't understand all the terminology for treatment, etc., and not one single person made any effort to actually find out what was involved in IVF - not even my mum. She accidentally saw some photos of me on my computer when we were going in for (and coming out of) egg collection at hospital and burst into tears to think I'd been going through all of that. I think only then did the reality of what we were going through actually hit her.

Anyway, there are groups on here who have meetups and I found it was nice to meet people through those as we were all going through the same thing so could support each other.

BTW - these are the links I was talking about:

It was Resolve (not Relate) :

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

And Empty Arms (be warned, if you haven't seen this before, you WILL burst into tears) :

http://www.tearsandhope.com/


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## Mzmaary23

I understand how your feeling the only people I have for support are the ones who have already have kids and don't know how to understand it is, but ATM I'm coping a lot better than I have been, my sister in laws have both had baby's within a week of each other and I thought seeing the newborns would've upset me but I didn't I just stared at them and fell in love, I'm a proud aunty and even if its not happening me I hope it will eventually, others just don't know what to say as they've never been in our situation so I suppose we got to understand that how are they to react round us, I'd rather be told they're pregnant from them than seeing couple months down the line seeing there bumps, as iv been told I can't keep letting myself get down as there's always going to be somebody pregnant, I hope your feeling okay and realise you could chat to people on here when your having a down day as we are all going through same thing to some extent


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## smallbutmighty

Cheers I will take a look at those links later tonight at home.

Mandy Pandy - They're in their 30s, but yes, I feel it is a bit 'high school point scoring' as well - particularly poor as two of them work for the NHS in fairly senior sensitive roles, hence my talking to them in the first place!

Mzmaary23 - The funny thing is, as you say, with some friends it doesn't bother me at all and I can go and play with their babies and feel okay. Then I can just walk away after a few hours and say let's go do all the things we have the freedom to do because we don't have a baby on the way. But I think what I've noticed is, it tends to be the ones where they're a little bit removed from me, e.g. friends of my husband's where it doesn't bother me as much and they don't know or if they suspect, they have the good manners not to say anything. Or at work, with the ones where they don't know you're trying - it is much easier to offer congratulations then and just grit the teeth and laugh off the "so when will you be joining our club?" remarks I find, than it is to deal with the ones who know. 

This friend made a point of seeking me out and asking if I've started treatment yet and listening to me talk through it. And then, once I'd laid myself bare and my defences were down, she dropped her little bombshell with a quiet smile. "Okay, well go with the IVF, that sounds great. I'm actually 14 weeks pregnant." How is that a natural follow on sentence from someone disclosing they're going for IVF? It's like a bad sitcom.

True, I don't want to bump into their bump and find out that way, but just send an email or give a call so I have a little privacy, don't put me on the spot with a bolt from the blue and expect me not to be shocked by it. And don't lead into a conversation about your pregnancy by asking your friend if they're still infertile! And seriously, don't invite me out for dinner to tell me your fabulous news in front of a restaurant full of people. I think I really dodged a bullet there, never been so glad to have a migraine in my life! Honestly, I did my best, but because I hadn't known she was trying - she knew I was, but she kept her own cards to herself - it did come as a shock and after about 10 mins of daze while she wittered on about her first 12 weeks and the house they're buying I just started crying and couldn't suppress it. And she asked if I had anyone to talk to. I wanted to say, "Well, that was supposed to be you" but left it.

There we go, rant over! Feel much better! Thank you for listening!

I think I just need to make better friends!


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## Wish-on-a-star

Hi Smallbutmighty

I know exactly how you feel and you could also be talking about a friend of mine too. I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women at the moment. I haven't told many people outside my immediate family that we have been trying for roughly 3 years not even DF family. I have told two friends what I have been going through I.e tests, lap to confirm I have endometriosis lap to remove Endo, acupuncture. At the same time I spoke about this we also talked about when they would next have their 2nd and 3rd babies. One friend said 'well we're not doing anything to prevent it' the other one said I don't think we'll try until next year. Like you it's better if I know there trying so I can prepare myself. So 2 weeks after this conversation I received a text from my friend who was suppose to be waiting until next year telling me she is 3 months pregnant. I was just about to get out of my car in a busy shopping centre but I sat there and cried my eyes out. Not only had she lied to me but she didn't even think about what effect it would have on me or wonder if I was at home so I could have my cry and get it over with. By the way this is also the woman who use to cry to me that she couldn't fall pregnant the first time and I use to listen help her with different tips and do some research on the net to try and help her and take her calls once she'd had a baby and had pnd. I feel like it was a big hard slap in my face. 

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom on how to cope just wanted you to know your not alone and if you find the secret to dealing with all these emotions I would pay to not feel like this. I went to my DF mothers house on Sunday to see his sister who has just announced she's having twins. I actually panicked when I got out of the car because I didn't think I could walk in to the house it wasn't nice at all and also had to hide my feelings from everyone. 

I think your doing the best thing by blocking these people until your ready, I'm doing my best to dodge invitations from anyone pregnant but I may just have to be honest and tell them to give me space. I think your doing a much better job than me so will take a leaf out of your book. 
I don't think my friendship will ever be the same after how she broke her news anyway so time to think of number 1 for a change.

If you ever want to cyber scream lol or vent some anger please feel free I get very angry too.

Good luck
Xx


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## Dory10

Hello

Only joined today and can't begin to explain how much of a relief it is to start to realise that other people feel the same as me!  All of my close friends have had babies within the last year (without any issues, all pregnant within 6 months of coming off the pill) and I feel increasingly isolated.  I no longer feel like we have anything in common as all they seem to be able to speak about is feeding, sleeping, nappies etc, this would be simply boring if I'd made a choice not to have my own children but as it is it feels like punishment.  

My hubby and I have been trying for 3 years and are hopefully going to start IVF in the next couple of months.  My friends are aware of my situation and know how its made me feel but either ignore it or make light of it. I can't face anymore baby showers and dread the 'happy news' texts about births and pregnancies - this makes me feel like such a horrible person and I don't want to be like that.  One of my friends decided for whatever reason that she just wouldn't tell me she'd given birth, I found out 3 weeks later from a very embarrassed mutual friends who presumed I knew!

xxx


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## Betty-Boo

and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please shout 

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*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

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You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our Volunteers for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available 

*Newbie chat ~ *CLICK HERE

All the best   our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.

Tis xx


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## butterflyB

Hi ladies,

I've felt exactly the same and have continued to tell people about TTC because I think my friends should be given the opportunity to understand and support us.

I'm very lucky to have some very good friends who have understood and handle situations sensitively and the others who did not (including one who was in a very similar situation to me and went through IVF!) I have cut out of my friendship group because I could not torture myself with feeling so crappy.

My friends did comment that it was good to know so that they could try to understand, listen and be sensitive, one friend in particular was quite cross with me for keeping it a secret for so long because she said she felt guilty about flaunting her previous pregnancy in front of me not knowing why I seemed disinterested. 

It's a tough one as there are lots of pros and cons for telling people but I think if your friends truly love you they will be sensitive, if not, their loss. 

I know if I ever become pg I will be so excited I will be unable to stop talking and smiling about it, so I can imagine that if you're having a baby that's all you would want to talk and think about...., fingers crossed one day!

B
X


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## Daisy32

Hi everyone, I am new here too. Glad I found your posts as I am also going through this at the moment. My dh and I have been ttc since June 2012 after my dh had a vasectomy reversal. We recently found out this had failed and are going to have private ivf starting with an icsi this Friday. So far we haven't told anyone as we were worried about the added pressure of people knowing we are ttc and that there is a problem. Unfortunately as we got married a year ago everyone seems to be on baby bump watch and asking 'how's married life, are you pregnant yet?!'. 

Every time I hear this I want to cry. One work friend in particular would ask me every time I saw her when I was going to get pregnant and even said 'Gemma got married the same day as you and she's already 4months pregnant'. Now after months of this she told me last week she is also pregnant.

I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant ladies, at work alone there are 5 blossoming bumps and to make matters worse the 18 and 20 year old sons of our closest friends are both expecting babies with their girlfriends. We spent last weekend with one of the girls, she had the cutest bump and looked beautiful but i felt so sad and jealous. I feel like I am being left behind.


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## holiday_girl

Hi smallbutmighty,

I can completely relate to how you're feeling, I think all the ladies on this forum have been there, trying to force a smile and trying not to spiral down after another announcement. The horrible truth is that this is not going to go away; one of the cruelest parts of infertility is that life goes on with or without us finally getting what we want so badly. There is no trick to it but you will find a way to cope with the bombshells and insensitivity, try not to isolate yourself as it doesn't give the comfort you think it will. I have tried to let my friends in with what we've been through and let them know when they've put their foot in it. I'm sure there have been lots of times when they needed support and I've been insensitive and said the wrong thing (that doesn't excuse all of them, some people did need to be edited out anyway!). I'm not sure about your circumstances but find someone you can offload with,  it does feel better and I found that staying focused on the way forward helped.

Good luck with everything x


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## CheekyChick1982

I can totally relate to this post it makes me feel like the worlds worst person to feel such utter jealousy and sick to the core when I hear of people who are pregnant. My best friend in the world is 8.5 months pregnant and having recently had it confirmed that my dh and i both have male and female factors and will need ivf privately I just want to freak out when I talk to her. I don't want to stress her out so I'm  taking the cowards way out and trying to ignore her phone calls but suddenly I panic and think what if it's baby related and she needs me so I ring her and I'm right back to wanting to scream when I hear how uncomfortable she feels or how tired she is. I'd take all the side effects just to have that "problem" is what I want to say but instead I just listen.

This whole process is so cruel and I haven't even started the actual ivf yet.

So, you are not alone. I'm so pleased I've found this site as it makes me realise how many people are going through this at the same time. Im seriously thinking I'm going to deactivate my ******** account as every post relates to pregnancy, children or those awful "i love being a mummy" posts. how twisted and bitter do i sound! 

Good luck with your journey x x x


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## Wish-on-a-star

Hi Ourturnnext

I deleted my ******** account 2 years ago so I am a fully paid up member of the bitter and twisted club  . 

Xx


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## smallbutmighty

Daisy 32 - I can't get over someone at the office creating some kind of horse racing chart for newly married women, unbelievable! We got engaged the same weekend as the Royal couple and then weirdly also married the same weekend as them but one year later. I'v had a few, "so will you fall pregnant before her?" comments and for the first time ever found myself to be a Royalist, grateful for the fact it didn't happen straight away, whether by accident or design. 

And as for ********, I've been meaning to give that up for years as it really is just drivel but I haven't got round to it yet.

Well, last night to celebrate another month of freedom, DH took me out to dinner at a romantic restaurant and - shock, horror - we had a bottle of wine for once. Won't be able to do that when the day comes that I fall pregnant.  

One really weird thing about my conversation with said pregnant friend was that when I said we were off for IVF, she said she thought that was great, and a brilliant thing to do and she was really happy for me. At the time I thought that surely, "Okay, well I hope it goes well for you", would be more appropriate than this celebratory stance. I just laughed and said, "Great would be being pregnant." But then I thought, well what is the appropriate response to someone saying that, and maybe she's right and I do need to look at it as a marvellous opportunity somehow.

Mainly I think I'm still simmering that I thought she'd come round to see me as I'd told her I wasn't doing so well (which I'm usually pretty loathe to admit), and actually she just came round so she could cross an awkward job off the list as quickly as possible and get on with announcing her pregnancy. I felt like a total fool and wished to God she'd just got on with it and told me straight away.


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## Daisy32

Hi smallbutmighty,

Glad you and dh had a nice evening and enjoyed the wine! My husband and I met with family for a meal last night it was really nice but we were both on soft drinks, dh as he has his icsi tomorrow and me in support. The family asked why we weren't drinking and quick as a flash dh said he was on antibiotics! Leaving me red faced and desperately trying to think of an excuse while he giggled like a kid! Oops.

I'm pleased that you found my work friends comment awful as well, was thinking I was being over sensitive.

Have you spoken to your friend since she came round to tell you she was pregnant? What do your other friends think about the situation?
Xx Daisy32


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## Daisy32

Just realised I wrote isci, meant dh having surgical retrieval tomorrow. Does anyone else get confused or is it just me!?


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## smallbutmighty

The drinking thing is the worst actually. Because if you don't drink people start raising eyebrows and smiling at you and asking when they should expect an announcement, which is pretty awkward! At a wedding last year (ironically the one of the newly pregnant friend), one of the partners would not quit asking me across the table if I was pregnant and smiling at me and telling me it was okay to fess up. I wanted to punch him in the face so very much but you have to just smile politely.

This week I've given up caffeine completely (so far so good), the plan is then next week to give up booze and the week after that, sugary stuff. Sugary stuff is actually the one I dread the most.

As for the friend, we haven't spoken no, I figure our paths will cross in due course and we'll just have to make the best of it then. I did chat with my best mate, who is from the same circle, last night. Her view was that whilst there is no easy way to handle it and ultimately it had to be said, her timing and delivery could have been much better. There is something weird about that friendship anyway, I always pick up a slightly competitive undercurrent so I wonder if this is really just an extension of that. How far do you take it though, you know? There's a line and I feel she crossed it. 

Very good luck with your husband's procedure today, I hope it goes well. And yeah, I get confused all the time; it is a case of having to learn fast!


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## Daisy32

Dear smallbutmighty, thanks for the good luck message, everything went well but it was a really stressful day with a whirlwind of conflicting emotions- didn't know whether to laugh or cry!  Eventually did both. Had an awkward moment when one of the clinic staff said she used to work at my place and I didn't recognise her. DH in quite alot of pain still but happy he can have a beer now to make him feel better!

I was thinking today about your friend who you said was slightly competitive, it made me wonder whether this is because of insecurity and whether she feels that your general life is something that she wishes she had. This would maybe explain the way she responded to your sharing of your ivf plans and then told you her news in that way. Unfortunately some people who are overly competitive dont always think before they speak when they think they have 'beaten' their opponent. I know that sounds awful.

On the other hand maybe you should try and give her the benefit of doubt and think of it as your best friend said bad timing and delivery of news. I guess it depends on how she has behaved in the past towards you, whether you can overcome this and forgive her.

Hope you are well,
D X


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## kokey

Hello I'm new on here too and feel relieved to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like this. The announcements seem to come in flurries, and subsequently the births. 
Hugs all round xxx


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## Jules369

Hi Ladies,
I'm new to the site as well as feel I needed some support from people who are going through similar feelings and that I'm not irrational in my thoughts.
I'm going through a bit of a hermit period in my life at the moment as just feel I can't cope with peoples comments during times when we have a get together as everyone keeps saying the same old 'oh it won't be long' 'you'll be next etc'.
Then ask about how my treatments going then insist on talking about babies and pregnancy for 45 mins over dinner I actually had to get up and pretend I had a phone call on the last meeting with friends as I couldn't handle it anymore. 
I have had a friend make a comment about our 'barron friends' whilst she was tipsy one night in front of me which really hurt my feelings she is a nurse too which makes it worse but we have sorted that out now as she was horrified the following day.
I don't want any special treatment I just want people to be a little more thoughtful
Sorry for the rant  
Jules


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## MummiewannaB

Though its nice to read that I am not the only one going through these feelings its still pants to hear you going through this.

The one that hurt me the most was my own sister who has 2 lovely kids. I had offeerd to look after them so she could go to t in the park with her man. To make it easier with the kids I did it at my mums who was workin that weekend. The wee man woke up and I went to see to him but he wouldnt settle my mum came and he settle straight away. The only thing went through my head was I will never have that feeling of a baby settling in my arms for me and I cried myself to sleep. Next day I tried to explain to my sister that I couldnt meet up with her nxt week as it had been hard and she just looked at my with a look of disgust and told me not to be stupid.

I was to shocked to do anything at first but had to have my man watch me cry myself into a stupor because of her reaction doubting myself if I was just beign stupid about it all.

I try not to get myself upset with the little things but when you work with children its difficult not to let it affect you.


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## smallbutmighty

Hey all,

Didn't realise this thread was still going, sorry, will have to set up alerts. I'm finding that now I'm spending more time with friends who don't have kids, I'm having an awful lot more fun and pretty much managing to forget about it when I'm out with them, so I'd definitely recommend that as a way to switch off.

MummiewannaB - your sister is being pretty rough there. Just give a bit of space I suppose.

Jules369 - I don't think that's cool at all. I would widen your circles and interests so you have more of an escape and opportunity to let loose when you go out to socialise/exercise/do hobbies (which is supposed to be fun after all).

Daisy32 - I think you're exactly right on the 'beating' an opponent thing. I didn't realise I was one until another friend of ours pointed out she'd been jealous over my wedding (at which she'd been a bridesmaid) and snubbed me at her own six months later by making us sit in a different room. Yes, actually. At the time I was a bit disappointed but put it down to a logistical issue. But now I think in light of that history I'm inclined to call it a day.

To be honest, I had my AMH result through this week and it was a pretty poor 7.4. So now I feel I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about my friendships with those women. Just going to focus on getting as fit and healthy as possible so I can begin IVF  asap after my laparoscopy next month.

All the best.


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## sickofwaiting

hi everyone

I'm a bit late joining this thread but wanted to say I feel like this too! People can be so insensitive. I think people need educating on how it feels to go through infertility, there should be an ad campaign or something! They just don't think. I've had all the 'relax it will happen' 'i bet you will be pregnant by christmas' comments, and it feels like a knife through the chest. I also remember a time when I told a friend that every month when my period comes it feels like I've lost a child, even though it's not a baby, it's an egg, it feels like grief, and I think she thought I was being ridiculous. No-one can understand the longing and inbuilt maternal urge that is so powerful it takes over your whole being, and affects every aspect of your life. I am currently going through treatment and one of my best friends called me the other day, babbled on about her news and then said 'ive gotta go speak soon' and hung up without even asking how I am. I was so hurt and upset. She has no idea what is involved with IVF and I understand that but if it were me I would at least try to find out what my friend is having to go through, i think she just thinks it's like you just take a few drugs or something and then a baby magically appears!! God it made me so angry. 

It's so hard seeing bumps and pregnancy announcements everywhere you look. I live in constant fear of it, and I like a lot of you have stopped socialising and become a hermit. It's horrible. One day we will look back and all of this will be a distant memory. We will hold our precious babies in our arms and never ever take it for granted like so many people do. Big hugs to you all, we're all in this together  

xx


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## sickofwaiting

Oh and one more bloody annoying insensitive story - my hubby's dad upon hearing about our problems conceiving, actually suggested my husband should 'go swimming' to 'cool things down down there' oh my god I was so enraged! It's like oh yes that's it!!!! Swimming!! Hadn't thought of that, that must be the solution!! there is an actual medical reason why we can't conceive, and it felt like he just thinks we're doing something wrong!! Then a few weeks later he said to my DH 'how about a nice relaxing camping trip?' WTF like we just need to relax?! needless to say we haven't spoken to them about it since. I think they are in denial that we actually need IVF.

xx


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## Reflection

Hello FF, I’m new to chat rooms, so not used to this.  I’m also about to start IVF, my first scan is Monday, it was supposed to be Wednesday but my period started three days early, today, typical.  I hope its going to be okay going in on day three of my period not day two; the clinic is not open on Sunday.  Also I hope the money to pay for the IVF would have cleared, I transferred money across on Friday and was told the money is shown going through but is not actually showing in my account.  I hope the clinic understands and is okay about me writing a cheque rather than instant, can anyone advise whether this should be okay at the clinic.
I’m also a single woman so going through the IVF on my own, my friends are mostly supportive and actually have been really sensitive and shown me tact.  I was shocked by some of your experiences, people are so insensitive.  Reminds me of an ex boyfriend who on holiday some years ago exclaimed to a paralysed lady during a steep walk, lucky you being able to sit down during this walk.  I cringed and apologised, he didn’t see what he did wrong.  I think that for people who are so insensitive put some distance between you and them; also don’t tell them about your attempts with IVF, they don’t understand and never will.  I had a friend who it sounds hard but I ditched a month ago, she was draining, depressive and was very stressful to be around.
I feel a mixture of emotions, sadness that I never have met the right man to settle down with. Concern, I’m 43, have I left it too late, worry that my job in the police etc will understand, my father is great and has said at the end of the day jack the job in if it gets too much, I live away from Southampton and work away from home.  I rented my house out so have an income from that. I’m healthy, never smoked, into sport, don’t drink and look I’m told ten years younger I’ve been told.
Thanks for listening, just nice to talk through my worries.


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## Daisy32

Hi smallbutmighty, how are you?
Cant believe that 'friend' of yours did that! I would have been so hurt of one of my bridesmaids had treated me like that after having them in the wedding. Definitely not a nice girl. Really glad you are happier with your other friends. IVF is stressful enough without having insensitive people upsetting you. When are you having your laparoscopy? I'm starting my ICSI cycle late October so maybe we will be starting at the same time. 

Hiya sickofwaiting, your father-in-law sounds like my dad. We haven't told him yet as he has no filter and asks a million questions about private matters very loudly in public (as he is deaf and wont wear his hearing aid!) and then gets the hump if you try to hush him! But camping trip to aid ttc, not heard that one before!! Bet your hub was embarrassed!

Reflection, congratulations for being brave and going after what you want from life. Glad you have a supportive father. I completely understand worrying about work, I work in a very male dominated environment and starting IVF will cause me to make a lot of changes at work. Have you spoken to your occupational health dr yet? Mine was very supportive and made me feel less stressed.

Hugs to all,
Daisy xxx


----------



## mrsbp

Hello,

I'm new to this so thought i might jump in with my story!
I'm in the same boat, being trying TTC for 18 months or so and i'm 5 weeks away from my next appointment to give our decision on wether to go on 6 month waiting list for IVF or to start Clomifene for 6 months. I've just been told i have polycystic ovaries from my internal scan and my husband has low sperm count.
My 2 sister in laws have both gotten pregnant and given birth to my gorgous neices whilst we have been trying. one sister in law announced her pregnancy the day before my wedding, it was like a knife in my heart!
I find it really difficult hearing of baby news too, it can be frustrating and im sick of people saying - it will happen to you when the time is right!
This anoyes me as my sister in law wasnt even trying - still on the pill and got pregnant 'my mistake' so her timing was right was it??
Glad to know im not the only one that feels this way, sometimes i think i sound so selfish, from deleting friends off ******** cause it upsets me seeing the baby photos to staying away from neice as it upsets me being around babies!

Baby dust to all xxx

Natalie


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## smallbutmighty

Mrsbp - I wouldn't believe everything you hear about people falling so easily. I think half of them just lie! We went over to see another couple for dinner last winter, where she was 5 and a half months pregnant. He made a point of telling me they had fallen very easily, just like that, and that the doctor said, "He couldn't believe it, at 33 she still has the fertility of a 15 year old." He held my eye and gave me a proper nasty, ner-ner-ner-ner-ner look as he said it. But, knowing he has a tendency to lie and grandstand, I figured he was just being as ass and ignored him. 

I do think that making a pregnancy announcement just before a wedding is slightly bad manners on your sil's part; don't upstage the bride and all that. She may have been feeling awkward I suppose about explaining why she's not drinking.

Reflection - I hope your first scan went well. Sounds like your dad is being great and I wish you the best with it. Do keep us posted on how you get on.

Sickofwaiting - you've got to learn to laugh at suggestions by family. My brother asked me last night if eating eggs would help my egg problem (half as a joke, admittedly) and my mother said she'd always wondered if I'd have problems because I was a colicy baby. You have to let it wash over you as they do mean well.

The stuff from friends though is a bit different - it isn't on to dismiss someone's feelings as ridiculous, especially on something as serious as this. You should call her out on it if she does it again.

Daisy32 - well they just cancelled my laparoscopy at the pre-opp checks due to scheduling error (I'm due on so they can't do it, and no sign of a date for when they can do it). So after a chat with both sets of parents this weekend, we're going private and will probably move straight to IVF. First consultation this Thursday. I think me might well be cycling round the same time (yeay, so much fun!!), so let's keep each other posted.


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## mrsbp

Smallbutmighty - 
Yes i think you are right! I think alot of people expecially males dont like to let on it took them longer as it makes them less masculine, I dont think this for a second but its was my hubby said when I told him i was going to tell my mum few months back.
Good luck on Thursday keep us all informed i'm intreguied on how it all goes private as we are debating doing the same thing to get the ball rolling quicker - my husband is 33 and because we would like a few children few years apart - he says he doesnt want to be an 'old dad' - Surpose everybody looks at things differently! 
My sil says its because she thought i would notice her not drinking? i already knew tbh as she rang a month before and told me to change her starter from Pate to soup!
I would just like to stop hearing about everybody else getting pregnant before me!
I had my Neice's first birthday party on saturday! since we have been trying the pregnancy was announced (at 3 months)she has been born and she has turned one!! very depressing!

Good luck thursday fingers crossed for you


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## Daisy32

Hi smallbutmighty, sorry to hear your procedure got cancelled. Good luck with your appointment, sounds like we could be cycle buddies   x Daisy


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## Perla

I too feel the same there is a constant flow of baby announcements by text, ******** and in person and it is so hard!! Then you can end up getting a comment like... Is it not about time you had a baby!! Makes you feel like screaming/crying!! 
I guess people who fall pregnant without really trying have little concept as to what it is like for people that try for months and years!!


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## galaxyripple

I agree with Perla, people who can fall pregnant easily may not realise just what a journey trying to get pregnant can be.


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## Eeej

Hi,

Im new to this so please can I join in?

I found out Friday I will never conceive naturally and need to move on to IVF. Im devastated and really struggling to stay positive. My close friends are supportive but they just don't understand how heart broken I am. They have all got pregnant within 1st month of trying. My SIL is due at Christmas and she has started avoiding me.

Do you guys have any advice on how to deal with friends and family announcing their pregnancies?


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## sickofwaiting

Hi Eeej, 

I am so sorry, I remember how hard it was when we first found that out too. I was at work and just burst into tears and got sent home, and cried all the way home on the train (with a random man asking if I was ok!) - it is so heartbreaking. But I can honestly say that was the lowest point for me, I feel so much better now I have come to terms with it and having treatment etc. So it will get easier it just takes time to sink in. People have no idea how it feels. I don't think you possibly can unless you have been through it. I too am surrounded by people who have all got pregnant really easily, it's so frustrating and it makes you feel so alone and angry that it's so easy for them and they have no idea how lucky they are!! I don't really have any advice on dealing with pregnancy announcements I'm afraid, it's so hard.. I am lucky that I haven't had to deal with one for a while (there will probably be one on ******** today now I've said that!!) I personally just try to avoid pregnant people (not always easy) and I know that sounds mean but you've got to protect yourself. People deal differently but that's just what I do. 

hope this helps a bit xxx


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## 28agatagata

Good to hear that I am not the only one with those feelings. 
I don't think there is any good advice for everyone. I am avoiding new happy parents and pregnant friends if I can help. Not a lot left  Sometimes it is just too sad to hear how pregnancy or babies change their life and suggestion that there is no reason why we should be waiting to get pregnant (waiting...   ). I have told 3 of my closest friends about our problems and each reaction was different but nobody really understood me. One friend who is not trying and doesn't want for the next 2-3 years said "you should stop trying for some time. If I were you I will do all test to be sure that everything will be ok next time. I would not risk another m/c "I wanted to scream that it is not our fault and that is not something what can be predicted but I just said ok and change the subject. Other pregnant friend was very understanding and sorry but her next questions were if I took the folic acid and if I travel a lot during first weeks as she heard that it could be a reason of m/c 
My third friend just said it is going to be fine and did not really asked me anymore for anything and if I start the subject she is mega positive and say it all will work for you at the end and change the subject. 
It is hard because  I am afraid of all my friends who just got married that they would bombard us with happy news and I can feel that I am loosing a lot of our friends due to the fact that we are not on the same level in life. But I am going to be a bit selfish and think about myself feeling good not about my friends.


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## Eeej

Thanks for the reply.

Im glad to hear it gets easier to deal with. I wish I could fast forward to this stage. Im normally a very happy and out going person so my friends and family don't know how to handle the down and miserable me. This makes me feel guilty then. Its a viscous circle. The only good thing is my mum keeps coming round and doing my dishes.
I have a night out planned next week and a friends wife will be there who just announced she was pregnant. I am so tempted not to go as im not sure I can handle sitting there talking babies all night. I dread my phone going off just incase its another friend sending me a scan picture!

xx


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## sickofwaiting

Eeej - I know exactly what you mean about going out with people who are pregnant/have had babies. It's soooooo hard you just want to punch them in the face! I went on a hen do in May and literally EVERYONE had had a baby in the last year. There was a point when they all just started talking about babies and it was awful. And then one of the girls from the hen do actually brought their baby along!!!! so we were in this restaurant I was drunk and there was a baby there that I did not expect to be shoved in my face on a hen do! I had to go to the toilet and have little drunk sob   It's so difficult because you feel so cut off from the world if you stop going out but then it's so upsetting when you do! You can't win.  I think you should just take each day as it comes, if you say yes to a social engagement but then the day comes and you don't feel like going then don't go. You need to do what is best for you right now, and if they are good friends they will understand xxx


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## Eeej

That's defiantly isn't what you would expect on a hen do! I'm not surprised you had a little cry. I would have been the same. 
I think I will take your advice and see how I feel on the day. There is no point putting myself in situations that are going to upset me. The only thing is the night out it for my birthday! I might feel stronger by then though as at the moment its still a bit raw. xx


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## hopingpraying

Ladies please could I join in. I feel like you have just described my life. I hate feeling down on other peoples good news but its so heart breaking when everyone around you just seems to open there legs and voila!!! I have got to the stage where every other week someone is announcing there happy news. I have actually deleted ******** cause every other day it had me in tears. Me and one of my friends started trying at the same time and we were both struggling, three years later and she has just had her 2nd and I'm still stuck in the same place. I'm struggling with the not knowing why. My cycles are all fine they just don't take. I'm lucky as my friends are so supportive but they are all falling preggers around me and quite frankly its devastating.

The only consolation I can offer to all of you is I know exactly how you feel. xx


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## Eeej

Hi hopingpraying..

I am thinking about deleting ******** too. Its so upsetting seeing everyones baby pics. I too feel very guilty about not being happy for my friends and family. Is not that I'm not happy for them its just I feel so sorry for myself. Life can be cruel. xx


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## hopingpraying

Eeej life indeed is very cruel. Deleting ******** was the best thing I've done so far as even people I don't know on there announcing there pregnancies was upsetting so its gone and I don't miss it. It's one tip that I would advise xx


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## mrsbp

Eeej - HelloEeej Im sorry to hear of your news :-( good luck with IVF Fingers crossed for you!
I know how you feel my sister in law's both have had babies since we have been TTC. I avoided them at first but then i was just really open with them and told them we were struggling hearing about prenancys, I think its worse whent here pregnant as they moan alot and i think to myself i would kill for morning sickness or labour pains or heartburn!! It's not fair when people moan about it! I just try keep away from pregnant friends now and concentrate on myself - its really selfish but whos cares i'ld rather save my feelings! Just see how you feel for your night out, maybe have some drinks before you go to help!! 

Sickofwaiting - Hello! I was in the same situation the other week at my SIL Hen do. it was a weekend away and there were about 14 girls. We were having a nice meal then they all started going on about pregnancy and births and giving all their horror stories and complaning about how bad it was etc. I was getting really tearful so i excused myself from the table to 'go get a drink' i just took a few minutes out and got some fresh air. My SIL followed me out and knew i was upset so she made a point of saying to everyone that as a hen do rule they wernt to talk about partners work and babies! So the rest of the weekend went smoothly. 
Eeej - maybe you could sugest something like this for your birthday night out? its one way of keeping the talk off upset subjects at the moment!

hopingpraying - isnt it funny, i thought the same thing when somebody writes something on here im like omg thats how i feel exactly the same!! I just wish pregnant people would understand us all! I surpose when we look at it though, when we are pregnant we will be going around wanting to talk about getting exicted so it is hard! I always think about deleting ******** but what i did instead is go on to peoples pages with babies/pregnant - either delete them if im not that close or i simple take there 'news' offmy newsfeed that way they upload photos of babies i dont see them. Doesnt work quite well though when u miss things! MY SIL always puts photos up of her daughter and obviously i love her shes my neice but always get a bit of a teary eye as i wish i could do those things shes doing with a daughter of mine. Maybe i will end up deleting it if i dont get the good news for myself soon!
I'm sorry you dont know why its happening, it can be frustrating when you dont have answers - i simply dont know what to say to make you feel better but every month we get a chance like a lucky dip. One day our numbers have got to come up!

I was off work sick friday as i had some tests and after i got told about Polycystic ovaries and my husbands low count i just really didnt feel like going back to work. So yesturday i had my return to work with a team leader. It was very hard as he wanted to know what i went for tests for i ended up telling him everything as i thought im going to need more time off! Im surprised at how supportive it was and i must admit it was nice to let it all out and have somebody not tell me what i 'might' be doing wrong! He just listened and said if i needed support work will do everything they can. They have also lifted a bit of stress out of my work day which is nice wish i had told them earlyier! But he did then start going on about his friends that were TTC and IVF and how they were successful. I dont understand why people feel the need to tell you about somebody they new who had 'problems' ??

Only thing is about my work is its full of woman and i know at least 2 are TTC - I know this is very selfish but i say to mu hubby i really hope they dont fall pregnant before me as i really dont think i can cope working with somebody thats pregnant and sort of pushing it in my face everyday. 
Anyway I'm thinking of starting a learning course to take my mind of it all and keep it busy with something. I just dont know what yet.

xxx


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## hopingpraying

Hi Mrsbp. When I first started going through ICSI my friend was planning her wedding. We used to sit and talk about soon Id be pregnant and she'd be a wife and how exciting it was, well that was over a year ago now and she is now married and they are now TTC and although I'm so happy for her all I keep thinking is That's another person who will be pregnant before me!! And its especially tough as she has achieved what she wanted and I'm still in the same boat so I know exactly what you mean about your work colleagues. 
I think men may actually be better sometimes at understanding. My boss is a man and he is fantastic. I think they don't like t know the details to much so just listen and let you get on with it. 
Like you say though we all want to share when something good happens and I'm sure Ill want to plaster my own photos all over ******** if I ever get pregnant so its all swings and roundabouts. Its just so hard on your emotions. Some days I can be rational and other days I want to punch people in the face! lol


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## mrsbp

HAHA I like the way you said punch people in the face *hopingpraying* as this is exactly how i feel sometimes! 
Yeh its grim its our green eyes showing jelousy in our friends its not nice is it but its hard to be happy for them having what u want. I struggle because i dont have career i just have a temp job and i dont have any best friends really. Its because i moved around alot with my DH job. So i struggle to take my mind off it because i dont have career to concentrate on or best friends to go do things with. 
I think this is why i am loving this Forum as people are going through exactly the same things as us! Hopefully your friend will be really considerate in taking your feelings into account if she does end up getting pregnant before you. But il keep my fingers cross that you will be first!


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## hopingpraying

Haha thanks mrsbp. Any time you need to chat or vent I'm here xx


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## sickofwaiting

Hi Mrsbp

I know exactly what you mean about people always having a story about someone they knew who had IVF blah blah blah! and is it just me or is the story usually 'my friend had IVF but it didn't work but then they got pregnant naturally!' implying that actually you don't need treatment, there's nothing 'wrong' you just need to relax! It's very infuriating. I guess they don't know what to say and think they are being helpful or something. I keep trying to think back to when we first started ttc and to be honest as much as I hate to admit it, I would probably be one of those annoying people if it had happened straight away (like I just assumed it would.... silly old me). It will be our turn soon and we will come out the other side so much stronger xxxx


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## hopingpraying

OMG sickofwaiting that is what everyone tells me all the time!! Just relax and it will happen! I wanna Scream at them!! 
And I know you are so right, people think they are being helpful but I suppose when it comes to this horrid process nothing is the right thing to say!


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## mrsbp

Thanks Hopingpraying!

Sickofwaiting - yes im sick of it everyone says just chill out relax forget all about it and it will happen! Yes because its soooooo easy to forget all about it!! lol
I'm the same as you i thought it would happen straight away so i waiting until i figured out if i got pregnant i wouldnt show in my wedding dress haha! turns out i could of started months before! (wasted time not trying then?)
my mum got pregnant straight away with me and both my brothers like she just decided she wanted one and the next month she was pregnant! She always says i just dont understand why its not like that for you - its because you must not be trying enough - you do know you need to have sex quite a bit?
Really mum didnt knwo that? haha ANOYING!
I know people are only trying to help and they dont know what to say so they just say anything that comes to there heads but it gets on my nerves! 
Yes it will and as i keep telling my DH - Our babies will be more special as we have wanted one for longer and tried harder  xxx


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## Faile

Wow am I glad I found this post you here are all better then my bloody therapist that I have to pay $120 a visit ! And yes I started seeing her after a complete breakdown at work when yet another freaking person told me they were pregnant !  

Maybe all of the people who tell us that story about the couple they knew that tried IVF and then got miraculously pregnant is from some help book they all found !  I cannot tell you how often I want to slap people when they say things to me....

" you better start soon or you will never get the chance" my answer a small smile and a quick change of subject ...what I want to say " what gives you the right to tell me to start trying and who says I haven't and what if I never wanted children is that something you should have an opinion on? "

"Why don't you just adopt" again a small smile and a change of subject ....what I want to say "do you have any idea what you are talking about? You do realize that they do not just giveaway babies? It is a long process which needs a lot of consideration and takes not only time but money as well it is very invasive...how would you feel if a government representative had to first come to your house and evaluate you your finances and your emotional well being before you were able to start conceiving?  Does that sound like something you would like to go through or do you need time to think about it an consider the option?"

"Just eat healthy and don't stress and it will happen before you know it" .....again that same smile and change of subject ......what I really want to say " that's great advice I wish I had done that in the first 6 years we tried...why ever did I pay for that IVF treatment that failed."

These are the things I would never say but want to so bad! I have found more support here then I have anywhere else.  I don't feel alone anymore I read all of your post and realize that there are people who completely understand what I am going through.  But in the end I have hope and it keeps me going even when I have a bad day I try to accept that that's just part of this crazy journey.  I hope all of your dreams come true whatever they may be.  I hope that we all find support from friends that truly understand that we are hurting and we are just trying to cope with this situation we never expected to be in.  Mostly I hope that one day we will all look back at this time in our lives and be the ones telling others "I went through this crazy journey and look at the beautiful life I have now."  Be it through getting a baby/child or excepting that we are happy without!

Here to the unknown future may it bring us all what we wish for!


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## Eeej

I often want to punch people in the face as well! haha.. Since I got married a year ago, I have at least 2 people every day asking me if im going to have a baby. One women said to me the other week " you have a different plan do you? you want to go traveling instead do you?"  I was very close to throttling this women!haha. Of course I didn't plan this you fool! 

xx


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## sickofwaiting

Aw you guys I just want to have a big group hug!!! People are such nosy parkers and so insensitive. They assume because you haven't had a baby that you don't want one or don't care!!! When I was on abroad for a wedding where everyone had a baby, someone said to me 'bet this puts you off doesn't it! all these babies!!' I wanted to cry. Nothing could be further from the truth. No-one's said anything to me for a while, probably because I've become a hermit and barely leave the house!! I work from home too so my interaction with other people is pretty much zero. The way I like it right now, sad as it is. 

xx


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## Eeej

Group hug to you all.  

I feel so much better since finding you all. Its lovely talking to people that know how your feeling.


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## hopingpraying

It really is lovely talking to people that know exactly how you feel. faile people say to me all he time why don't you adopt. It drives me crazy!! Its sounds insensitive to say and yes maybe one day that will be something I will have to consider but the honest answer is "CAUSE I WANT MY OWN BLOODY BABY!!"

And yes when people say this must put you off, you think are you bloody kidding me!! I have to stab myself in the stomach twice a day just for the chance of getting to that point. Would I really go through this if I was scared of a few tears.

You ladies really are making me feel better its so nice to be able to say exactly how I feel and know that you understand. xx


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## mrsbp

Group hug!    

iv just been out with my mum i love her to bits i do but she was driving me crazy saying just stop looking so much into it all and forget about it, just keep it natural get on with life n it will happen! Grrrrr 
so glad i found u girls to vent to! Already feel more positive and iv only been posting a few days!
xxx


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## Faile

Hoping and praying you made me LOL that is exactly what I want to say I love it!  This forum has been the best thing for me and I only found it a couple weeks ago.... Just think of the money I could have saved paying the therapist!  .  

I love my DH but there are times I don't think he understands what a failure I feel like, and he is so sweet and never complains about my moods (cause I do get in them sometimes) that for the last  year I have kept so much to myself.  To be honest I am not the best at asking for help so instead I hide and just cry silently.  I have to tell you all there has been a change and it really did start on the day I typed my first post here!  I feel more excepting of me, and what I am going through.  I even went for a job interview yesterday and am excited about moving forward.  I see good things for the future for once in such a long time and I actually want to wake up in the morning and get started!  

Thank you thank you thank you! Just for being yourselves and letting me be myself!  

Just realized how we kinda went off topic on the post but really it all connects! IMO I think that if you feel uncomfortable around your friends and they make you not feel good about you be honest with them let them know how they are hurting you, if they don't understand or can't give you the respect and space you need then they must not have been very good friends!  I know I am one to talk because I hide and don't share very well with the people I am suppose to be closest too, but truly I think you should look out for you ! 

xx to you all and lots of love  and


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## Daisy32

Hi Ladies,
Hope you don't mind but I would like to rename this subject 'HOW TO HANDLE NEW MUMS RECENTLY RETURNED TO WORK' just for a few mins.  

A work colleague returned to work a week ago after having her third child, and to be honest I was avoiding her not only because of all the pics she is showing around but also because she is ridiculously overcompetitive with me for no reason and makes my blood boil whenever I hear her stupid girly voice. I actually trained her by the way! 

Anyway bumped into her in the toilets yesterday and just happened to say how hot I was feeling and to be polite said welcome back, hows the little one? to which she replied 'Oh he's one now, didn't you get married a year ago?' then asked the thing all girls ttc love to hear, 'Don't you want a baby?' But the real kick in the teeth was when she then kindly suggested that I might be entering early menopause because I'd said I was feeling hot!!!! 

I just walked out feeling like complete crap but trying not to let her see that but last night I was crying for hours as the comment just hit a nerve after recently finding out about my high FSH and little ovaries. Felt like I was in mourning as stupid as that sounds.

So Eeej, completely get where you are coming from when you say you feel like punching people.

Anyway rant over, thanks for letting me vent. 

Sending big hugs to all    

Daisy


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## Jules369

You guys really are great, so glad we have each other and are going through the same/similar problems and this may save us from punching people lol


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## Daisy32

I would have loved to punch her though


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## Eeej

You were very good not punching her. I think I probably would have.. How rude! Xx


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## Lilly83

Hi girls

Can I join you? I'm 6 years into TTC, 1 failed icsi this month, terrible endo, 1 tube and am AMH of 2, so it's erm... Not looking great  

I have got myself in a bit of a situation I can't get out of, I employed my friend part time, she started a few months back and on her first day announced she was pregnant, it turned into a cesearean ectopic and she had to terminate the pg, anyway full recovery made and they are about to try again in next month or 2, she caught the same month she had the implant out, and caught with her 5 year old DS the month she come off the pill, so I know she will have some news in next few weeks, it makes me feel sick thinking about it, I so regret employing her, she will be the first one on a team of 15 to have been pg, I will have to do her risk assessments, be careful what tasks I give her, sort out time off for antenatal appts and sort her mat pay, I'm struggling so much thinking how I'm going to cope every week with her growing bump, she hasn't been very sensitive to my feelings so far, loved telling me all her symptoms last time


Feel so bitter and jealous already and I can't cope 


Help  

Lilly xx


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## Daisy32

Hiya Eeej, 
I was thinking about what you said earlier about its not that your not happy for people, it's just that you are feeling the hurt for yourself. I think you sum that up perfectly. I love kids and I do love seeing friends kids and my nieces and nephews but it always has a sad or bitter tinge to it that I don't have a child of my own. 

Our closest friends son who is 20 and his girlfriend had a son just under two weeks ago. I know it sounds horrible but I only texted my friend lastnight to say congrats as I just didn't want to admit that her son and his girlfriend are now parents and I'm not. It makes me feel that life is leaving me behind. At the same time I really want to see the baby.

I have step kids but I really want a child of my own to love and cherish. Luckily my DH really wants us to have kids aswell and is probably just as broody as me. The strange thing is, kids always come up to both me and my hub, it's like we are a magnet to them. I really hope this is a sign that we will be blessed with a baby soon as I feel so lost at the mo.

Lilly, I'm so sorry to hear about your failed cycle, my heart hurts for you. Does your friend know about your situation?


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## Eeej

Morning ladies.

Lily that really does sound like a nightmare. Does your friend know the problems you are having? 

Daisy that's what's it's like for me to, my friends kids are always following about and love my husband and I. My friends tell me I should open a nursery instead! I don't want to look after other people's kids though. I want to look after my own! I really want to be a mummy. It's the waiting and uncertainty which drives me nuts.


----------



## Spider-Twiggy

Hi All,

I have just signed up to FF and feeling really relieved to see so many people have experienced what I have been experiencing!  My husband and I have been trying for 2 years now and have just been told that we will need IVF (going to be starting in about 6 months) after I have a cyst removed from my uterus.  

I am lucky enough to have a best friend who has already been through 3 rounds of IVF that can support me however I have countless other friends who have already had children/having more children and most recently found out my sister in law is 5 months pregnant (she didn't tell me before in case it upset me (grrr!!!!) so I saw her bump instead with no prior warning.  She then proceeded to say how it happened all too quickly (first month of trying) and that she assumed it would take her ages like it had me (thanks for reminding me!).  I have other friends that constantly look at me with looks of sympathy, others that say I just need to relax and forget about it and 'it will happen'.  Maybe Father Christmas will bring something this year etc etc.  

I have just made excuses to avoid a big get together of friends (the idea being that they bring all their children and babies with them).  Finding it much easier to avoid than have to plant the fake 'I'm so hapy for you' face on.  I hate to sound horrid, but with every new pregnancy announced, I just feel I'm failing even more.


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## smallbutmighty

Spider-Twiggy, I know exactly how you feel. And the funny thing, most of the time I get on with things, it is when people give me the pity face I remember I might be in a spot of bother and feel like crumbling. 

Rocking up with a bump is pretty harsh, no room for taking a quiet moment there. It is unfortunate she is your sil; you have to tread so carefully in that case. Best to just breathe deeply!

You mustn't see it as failure though. I related that sentiment to a male friend of mine, moaning I wasn't used to not being able to solve things if I work hard enough and that I felt like a failure. He burst out laughing (some men are so sensitive) and said it wasn't school, there is no success/failure, it is just pot luck. He's right. This should have no bearing on our self-esteem; we cannot control much of what our bodies do.

Daisy32 - I am in awe of your self-control. You are way too nice to that woman at your work. I wouldn't be


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## Eeej

Hi smallbutmighty,

What your friend said to you has really made me feel a little better. I found out I was only born with one ovary and one tube last week when I had a lap to remove my hydro in what turned out to be my only tube. I've been beating myself up about it but i couldn't have dine anything to prevent it so I'm not sure why I feel like a failure . X


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## Daisy32

Hi Ladies, 

So, yesterday was a strange and difficult day at work. I was working at my second site where I only work a few hours alternate weeks now but used to work full time. One of my old work mates is pregnant and due in 9weeks and has an absolutely huge bump and I just couldn't help but stare at it. In the end I just asked her if I could touch her belly and for those few seconds I felt as if I could just be her friend and be excited for her without feeling so jealous and sad for myself. 

All was well and I was enjoyng listening to her listing how much she still had to prepare when the lovely moment was shattered by another pregnant girl walking in. I know this sounds silly but it made me really uncomfortable as I don't know her and straight away she started talking to my friend about her cravings and that was it...they were talking all things baby and I felt completed shut out. 

I felt like some dried up old frumpy woman and was so glad when my boss asked me to leave early to go to the other site.

Then at the other site I was talking to a older lady who has known both my husband and I for about 10years and obviously knows he has older kids from his first marriage. She was asking how everyone was then asked me when we were going to have kids. As you do I just mumbled some excuse but was then mortified when she said- (hope you are ready for this gem!)  'you will probably be a grandma before you are a mum'. 

I know she didn't say this to be nasty because she is a lovely kind woman, but this is something that I have actually thought about and worried about, so to hear that other people may have been looking at me and thinking that too just made me feel really down. 

Hope everyone is ok xxx


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## Perla

Hello everyone, I have really enjoyed reading all of your comments on here it is so nice to have people in the same boat.
Daisy that is awful, people dont mean anything and I have had so many comments like that recently and I get so upset.

Mrs bp I say the same thing about people falling pregnant its so hard the more friends that get married, we have been trying for over 2 years, since before we got married as I found out I have polysistic ovaries and there are so many announcements and comments like " how long have you been married now?"

faile yes people say such annoying things If and when I do fall pregnant I am temoted to tell the people that made the comments that we were trying etc, to make them think not just for me but for other people they may say it to.

Sick of waiting yes people are soooooo nosey, I have clients ask me all the time and say things like so youre not pregnant then? Also had 2 people say are you hiding something under that top... wtf!! I am a size 10 and under 9 stone I do have a tummy but honestly!!!

Just want to ask everyone a question... I am maybe a bit clueless but... My husbands sperm is all good, I have polysistic ovaries but when I had hsg they could not see any blockages, although it was so painful, we have been ttc for over 2 years, I have been on clomid 50 mg and now 100. Blood test results have showed I am on borderline of ovulation, I just want to know what else could be wrong?? xx

Love to you all


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## Jules369

Hi Ladies, 
Just on here for a rant, just found out another friend is pregnant 5th one in the last 3 weeks so having a bit of a tough time today  feeling sorry for myself. Trying to stay positive is getting difficult
Thanks for listening
Jules


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## Perla

Hi Jules, Know ho you feel, there has been so many recently I am always just waiting for the next one. Have been feeling like I want to move away so I dont know anyone.... how sad is that??! xx


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## mrsbp

Hi Jules,
I know how you feel, it can be really depressing, some how we need to find it in us to be happy and positive to hear the news of somebody being pregnant when it isnt ourselves!
Who ever can do that with a genuine smile i would like to know how you do it!

Just going of topic a bit here but i'm feeling really grim im in the 2WW now and im getting my hopes up as usually but i know they will all be shattered with AF shows :-( why do these 2 weeks drag soo muchhhh!!! What really anoys me is when my Polycystic Ovaries decide to make it drag even longer by making me a week late for no reason! So it could be 3 week wait! I dont think i will be able to wait till my longest cycle length to test im already so eager to know if this was the month!!

Baby dust to all xxx


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## smallbutmighty

5 announcements in 3 weeks - that's brutal!   I think I'd have thrown the phone out the window!

I can now spot the pattern so feeling more in control of handling it; it goes like this:
- Couple you know talk about how they're coming round to the idea, fancy a sensible car anyway, blah blah
- Then they disappear off the face of the earth for three months, save to reply with the odd evasive text message to say they're really well, or something generic and very positive but non-precise, but ask you loads of questions about how you're doing trying to work out if you are/aren't
- Then, three months later, they suddenly have an urgent need to call you/pop round - if they want to see you NOW, you know it is coming.

On that basis, I'd say I can expect an announcement from two couples I know in about another month. At least I'll be prepared! But there is every chance it will be our turn soon. We have to keep the faith


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## Perla

Small but mighty that is very true I have seen that pattern a lot. I have been trying to keep my head down etc recently and then I worry people think I am pregnant ( I wish )


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## Perla

Mrs Bp, Are you now on Clomid ? not sure If you are as saw it may be that or ivf. x


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## Jules369

Oh dear two more work colleagues today announced their pregnancy's, one is on her third baby, I had to pull the I'm really pleased face which I am for them but I'm really really struggling lately. I feel so guilty for feeling jealous and upset but suppose that's normal for everyone ttc, just having a bad phase hopefully I'll snap out of it soon,
Start my IVF injections in 2 days 
Small but mighty what you said is so true I see this pattern all the time they either fluff round to find out whats going on with you or get someone else to tell me :-(
Mrs bp I bet you can't wait to get your 2/3 week wait out of the way  Pcos is a pain my period didn't come for 6 weeks this month keeps getting longer and longer hopefully starting my 'menopause' injections will calm the old hormones down lol x


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## mrsbp

Perla - i go next month to give decision on which we want to do just waiting for hubby 2nd sample result as if its lower they will prob put me on list for ivf. So would be nice if my last month before it gets serious i fall pregnant!

Jules -  i no cant wait driving me mad I'm in the stage of over exaggerating symtoms - swollen boobs, heartburn, sickness lol I'm mental i no.
oo that will be good fingers crossed. Ild love to know exactly what date AF was to show! 

Crappy day at work today. A guy has been moved to sit next to me and he doesn't stop going on about his baby. Hes constantly showing photos. Worst thing is he called her exactly what baby name me and my hubby have had our heart on for about a year so I'm a tad mift. He also then said they cant wait to have another (better not be before me il feel like punching him) and he then went on to tell me his friends wife is pregnant and told me all about there scan :-/ had enough now at work. Wish i could quit and stay hidden at home!

Xxx


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## kokey

Smallbutmighty, i see that pattern too, and sure enough I had the phone call last night from one of my best friends.
I have 2 close colleagues at work who are pregnant as well as 2 soon-to-be fathers working in my team. Another friend is a soon-to-be father and is scared to speak to me about it. I'm not sure which I prefer / is worse: not telling me or being so excited they get their 2 year old to tell me.
Don't get me wrong, I really am very happy for them all. And my friends have lovely children that i very much enjoy spending time with. I am just feeling sorry for myself and for all of you too. Normally I am ok and can say 'if it is meant to be it will be'. But it hurts a bit every time there is an announcement or a birth. I just hope this week isn't another 4 in 10 days do!!

Thanks for listening and sorry for the moan. It is good to know I am not alone feeling like this but I wish it wasn't like this for any of us.

Hugs xxx


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## bubbabooboo85

Hi,

Your post struck so many emotional cords with me. I also only joined this site a few days ago and I am also in a similar situation to yourself with regards to feeling like i have nobody to talk to. The few friends and family that i have let in on my journey just don't even begin to understand how completely devastated i feel month after and just belittle what me and my DH are going through with the same of comments like 'just relax' and 'you haven't been trying that long, it will happen' I feel like screaming at them and saying 'a year may not be long in your eyes, but you try having your dreams stamped on every month for an entire year and see how you feel!!!' I have friends but not really anyone who i would consider a really close friend, it sounds a complete cliche but my best friend is my DH and unfortunately he really does not feel he can talk about it much as he finds it too upsetting so i spend a lot of my time just crying inside or often even leaving the room to sneak off to the loo where i can quietly sob without feeling like i am upsetting him further. I just really wish that i had a close friend who i could use as a shoulder to cry on and who could empathise with what i am going through but i am realising more and more that as an infertile couple you are very alone and unless people have experienced the pain you are going through they just don't have a clue! 

I am truly shocked by the reaction of a so called friend telling you that you were being unreasonable by removing yourself from a situation that was clearly going to cause you pain and i think she should be totally ashamed of herself   if she felt her feelings were hurt then perhaps she should try walking a mile in your shoes and see how bloody rotten she feels.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my mouth shut with the only girl at my work who i have told my situation as she keeps harping on about how her and her husband are desperate to have a baby but then in the next breath she is telling me how 'oh they haven't really had time to try this month as they've had too much on' or 'well perhaps she should wait until she has the finance sorted on her new car first' is she seriously that stupid that she doesn't realise how trivial these things sound to me if she is supposedly DESPERATE for a baby.

Am finding being able to talk honestly and share my emotions on FF so helpful so thank you all you lovely supportive people out there.

P.S I just watched the empty arms link and it is definitely one to watch at home and either alone or with someone very close to you as it made me cry my heart out   really glad i watched it though

Love and luck to you all

Boo xx


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## mrsbp

hi bubbaboo

i know how u feel as i dont have close friends and my hubby is my bff lol.
if u need a chat we are all here. i get frustrated when people say things like that it drives me crazy.


feeling crappy this week we just had our appointment back with the doctor and unfortunatly dh`s results wernt good. he said we have no chance ofconcieving natural and our only hope is ICSI iv and the longer we leave it the less chance we have for that to work sooo we arenow trying to save to pay for a go before our free nhs go in 8 months. so frustrated to know this is our only chance now but glad we have support from our families.

anyway rant over. positive thoughts to everyone xxx


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## Jules369

Hi Ladies,
Finished my first IVF cycle I had 2 eggs back in but it didn't work and every picture on ******** is a newborn or scan pics, must keep off there until I can cope a bit better with things.
Hope your all well x


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## smallbutmighty

Sorry to hear that. It is so horribly disappointing when it doesn't work 

Mine didn't work out this time either. Better luck next time, eh? In the mean time, at least we can enjoy a MERRY Christmas!


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## sickofwaiting

Jules and Smallbutmighty - so sorry to hear your cycles didn't work. I had my first one in September, had 2 put back and it didn't work. I was absolutely devastated. Hope you can have an enjoyable Christmas and start your next cycles in the new year. I've got to wait a bit longer than expected as I have to have a laparoscopy.. I am not sure if the second cycle is going to be easier or more difficult than the first cycle - I really thought it was going to work! I am definitely going to try and keep my feet on the ground next time. It's so hard to cope with the disappointment, I felt like my heart had been ripped out. Big hugs xxx


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## Jules369

Thank you ladies!
Sorry to hear you guys weren't successful either this time  :-(  I usually don't drink very often but had a large glass of wine last night!  
I may have to wait longer also due to having epilepsy I need to have a full team and anethetist present so they think maybe august.
Which I am not happy with and have been asked to be put on the waiting list as our life is on hold. X


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## cosmopolitan4112008

We have a saying 'a full stomach cannot understand an empty one".  Have been trying for 4 yrs and I'm married to a man who gas many siblings and many kids. It didn't bother when they or any of my friends would announce the pregnancy.  I'm kind of a person who has been through many things in life, so I have become a bit like a stone. Also, I decided not to tell any of my friends about my new trials because I hate answering questions.  Some people don't know when to stop. Plus you have to explain if something went wrong. Therefore,  from now on, my lips are sealed. I only talk to the forum ladies


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