# Adoption rejection



## Rowan22

This should probably go on the adoption board but as I'm used to posting on here, I'll put in on here and I'm sure someone will move it if necessary.
We've been trying to move on and thinking about adoption. So far, we've had visits from two agencies. One never even bothered to get back to us; the other one phoned us just now. 
It's a flat rejection. They think I'm too damaged, presumably not just because of IF, because virtually everyone who adopts has been through IF but because of illnesses, poor childhood, etc. 
What do we do now?
I will not accept a life without children. I simply won't. I don't consider that some of the things people on this board have done to try to fill that gap, raising horses, etc will fill it for me. And we don't have any money, so things like long holidays abroad won't be happening. 
Honestly, aren't the illnesses and the IF bad enough?
I know that some of you, like Donna, are going through so much worse but if anyone could spare the time to suggest any advice, anything else we can look at, I'd be grateful. 
Thanks.


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## karenann

Hi Rowan I am so sorry you have had a rejection from the adoption agency am sending you big   
I wish I could give you advice on what to do next - have you tried any other agencies - I am not sure how flat out the rejection was - did they give you any advice on what you could do to improve your chances and move forward ? Have you had counselling to address any issues from your childhood ? Would any of the agencies consider you for fostering ? Would this be an option ? 
I really wish I could help you - but I didn't want to just read your post and run. This IF is just so hard at times isn't it - I really do feel for you Sorry can't help further if I have any kind of brainwave I will post you again - Take Care 
   Karenann xx


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## Rowan22

Hi Karenann and  Gertie,

It's kind of you to reply, thank you!   
The agency is going to write, so I suppose the detailed reasons for rejection will be in the letter. As far as I know at this stage of the process, there's no right of appeal but I will reply and try to address each point in turn. 
We have made enquiries with another agency but it's been months now and you can only send so many emails trying to remind them that we're waiting for a response. I agree about the extremely low priority we seem to get as prospective adopters!
I didn't in the least mean to be derogatory about people who show or breed horses, by the way, just that it isn't for me. I was horse mad when I was a kid and I know how wonderful they can be. At the moment, all I can think is that I only want a child and nothing else compares. The fact that every single TV programme seems to feature children (like the one my dh is watching at the moment about cowboy builders!) doesn't help. It just reminds me of what I can't have and makes me feel like the only childless person in Britain, though God knows there's enough of us on this site!
I have had quite a lot of counselling in the past, a point I did make during the interview with the SW. Unfortunately, nothing will change the past and nothing will give me a perfect childhood but then did many adoptive parents actually have that? Is that what the agencies are looking for?
The physical conditions are another problem, of course but they do seem to be under reasonable control. Again, I can't actually get rid of them or I'd do that! 
We can only wait for the letter, which I suppose will give some details about why we've been rejected. I don't know where to go from here and I've barely been able to function all day. There's no other path open to us, we simply can't afford tx. You're stronger than me, Gertie, I can't have anything to do with other people's children.   
Thanks again, 

Rowanxxx


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## sally0582

Hi Rowan

I'm new to the forum and just browsing the site. I read your posts and my heart sank for you. I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties. The system does seem so wrong - how can it be that someone who so clearly wants a child and has so much to give them gets rejected by mother nature and social services.

You have no option here but to be strong. If you think about what you've been through - maybe you could focus on helping others that are going through what you've been through. This site is a start but you could look bigger. What about contacting the local paper or TV channels to get your story heard? You never know what might come from it... 

Have you considered working with children? That way you could make a big difference in their lives and get a lot back too.

There's no way to undo the past but you can still build yourself a full and rewarding life.


Good luck with everything - I hope you find happiness. 

Sally xx


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## Fergux

Wait until the letter of course so that you can address the reasons with any new applications. BUT you do need to be tenacious, we looked at lots of different LA, and some turned us down straight off just on a phone call chat.

good luck


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## Dame Edna

Rowan   

You poor love, I really feel for you    

Can I suggest that you contact the Adoption UK helpline.  Adoption UK are a charity set up by adopters for adopters (at whatever stage of the process they are at).  

If you go to adoptionuk.org.uk, click on the 'contact us' section at the very top of the home page, you will see the helpline details.  I am sure they will have some good advice for you and be able to point you in the right direction.

As previously mentioned, you do have to persevere at the 'enquiry' stage as you are at the bottom of the pile priority wise as at this stage they don't know how serious you are and don't 'know' you. I think we enquired with about 3 agencies before deciding on the one we went with (as they seemed the most accepting and positive).    

I hope you can move forward with this.  I can appreciate that nothing else will fill that gap - you want to be a Mum and I can understand that    I just hope you are given the chance   

PS.  Counselling is seen as a positive in adoption circles so don't be afraid to tell Social Services that you feel you have addressed your past, that you are now in a 'good place' and feel ready and able to adopt .....

Heartfelt GOOD LUCK wishes to you   
xxx


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## Rowan22

Thank you all for replying, it does mean a lot.  
The letter hasn't arrived yet but I assume it will turn up this week. When it does I intend to reply and address their reasons point by point. I don't suppose it will make any difference, as they hold all the cards but it might at least make me feel a little better. Also, it is something I _can_ do and one of the things I find so hard about all of this, ttc and everything, is that you have absolutely no control. Neither can you stop the way you feel and I sometimes feel as if I'm being tortured by emotions and hormones that I can't do anything about. I am stuck in a body that wants to breed but can't. 
Thank you for the suggestion to ring Adoption UK, Dame Edna, I will definitely try that. 
This is the third agency we've tried and we would probably be looking at voluntary ones from now on. I don't know whether to have another go or not yet, I still feel too raw. One of the things that makes me really angry is that I actually spoke to someone high up in the hierarchy when I made the initial phone call and feeling there was no point in wasting his time and mine, told him all the bad stuff (illnesses, etc). He was sure that none of this would stop us adopting. I intend to quote those words in our letter of complaint. 
Thank you all very much for your kindness and encouragement.

Rowanxxx


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## rosebud_05_99

hi rowen

i too have the same problem, i have severe back pain and this has been used to disqualify me from adoption, its so stupid, if i could every have my own baby i would cope there are plenty of mothers out there with illnesses that adjust to be excellent parents. its so unfair.

rosebud


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## SR3

The whole adoption route sucks... we were in the process for 16 months and we had to withdraw our application a month before we were due to go to panel.  Our social worker decided that my DP needed councilling as she was convinced he needed help coming to terms with his own adoption.  This is absolutely ridiculous... he was adopted at 3 months old but the social worked couldn't understand why he didn't want to make contact with the birth mother.  Why would he..... he was perfectly happy with his adopted parents and never gave it another thought.  It still makes me so cross


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## Boggy

Hi there

I know others have said this already, but please persevere with other agencies - You can find a list on the BAAF website.  Also it might be helpful (as Dame Edna pointed out) to contact AdoptionUK.  

You are always welcome to post on the Adoption/Fostering Board if you feel we could offer your advice or support  

Bx


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## Rowan22

Hi all,

Again, thank you all very much for your replies and support. Thank you, Boggy, I will post on the adoption board but there are so many people who just seem to sail through their initial visits with no probs. SR3, that is so ridiculous! If your dp didn't feel he needed to trace his genetic mother, why on earth should that stop you adopting - and so close to panel, too! It's ludicrous!
Well, the letter arrived and it seems to be the same problem you had, Rosebud; they think I'm too ill. They also think I'm too vulnerable, still struggling with effects from my childhood. I can't help either of these things; I am so angry, having been rejected for things I can't do anything about!  
It's bad enough to have the chronic conditions and to have had abuse in my own past without being told I am not good enough to be a mother because of them! The injustice takes my breath away! Also, I would have thought that because I didn't have a perfect childhood, that would make me more empathic and understanding of what the poor children have had to endure. I don't need to read Bowlby on attachment and loss, for a start!
Now what?
This is the third agency and I don't know where to go now. Also, I'm not sure if I can handle the waiting and the feelings when the rejection comes through the door. Do I just accept that I'm too old, too sick and too broken to ever be anybody's mum?  
I will ring Adoption UK, when I've calmed down enough to have a conversation without ranting!
There's a debate on Channel 4 at the moment about IVF. So many of those people who comment suggest that the cure for infertility is adoption. Boy, do I wish they'd try it before opening their mouths!

Rowanxxx


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## L_ouise

Hi Rowan,

I just wanted to say that i think it's shocking that you seem to be being punished for being a victim of a troubled past.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be refused to be able to adopt when it's your last opportunity, but i'm a forward thinker - very forward thinker! - and it seems to me that if i couldn't even adopt that i'd become the best Aunty in the whole wide world! Maybe my siblings children or even just friends children, i'd take them on holidays and to concerts and sports events etc 

Or i might even look into older children, young adults. When they reach adulthood, many people that are still essentially children are turfed out. I think maybe i'd look into offering them a home and then if it works out, adopting them as adults and then in time you can look forward to grand children still.

Maybe they are stupid ideas, because i'm not actually there yet or looked into them - but that's my plan anyway


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## L_ouise

Hi Rowan,

I just wanted to say that i think it's shocking that you seem to be being punished for being a victim of a troubled past.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be refused to be able to adopt when it's your last opportunity, but i'm a forward thinker - very forward thinker! - and it seems to me that if i couldn't even adopt that i'd become the best Aunty in the whole wide world! Maybe my siblings children or even just friends children, i'd take them on holidays and to concerts and sports events etc 

Or i might even look into older children, young adults. When they reach adulthood, many people that are still essentially children are turfed out. I think maybe i'd look into offering them a home and then if it works out, adopting them as adults and then in time you can look forward to grand children still.

Maybe they are stupid ideas, because i'm not actually there yet or looked into them - but that's my plan anyway


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## Guest

Hi Rowan,

Sorry not to have seen your message before, I was taking time off FF ... I was so hoping some months ago that you'll be given the green light for adoption. There's nothing I can say to make this better, but I am just furious for you - as you say, the fact you had issues in the past makes you the more understanding of children with issues! And your health as long as you cope with day to day life should be enough to make a good mum. You have such a desire to give, I'm sure you'll make a fab one   Hope your conversation with adoptionuk helped - I found them very supportive in the past when we were held up at various stages of the adoption process. Did they have some good advice about who you could approach? What type of agency? Maybe Family Futures, who are supposed to have a different approach? I hope so much they gave you some tips. Like you, I am fine with not having biological children, but I cannot bear the idea of never being a mum (we've been approved since september last year and still not even linked with a child, so also being frustrated at the moment).

Rivka x


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## Rowan22

Hi Rivka, nice to hear from you!
Thank you to everyone who's replied; it means a lot.
The problem is that this is the third agency we've tried and we can't keep putting ourselves through Info evenings (largely pointless anyway, as we know all about the process by now!) and initial visits and never getting any further! If my past really is the problem I can't change that. I can't do much about the illnesses, either, though obviously I would if I could. Our second agency never even bothered to reply to us and that's something I might stress, if I ring Adoption UK. Their initial visit was before Christmas and we've heard nothing since. 
It's depressing and demoralising as due to our extreme poverty, adoption is the only option we've got. At my age I would need tx with de and we simply haven't got the money to give it a try. 
I could get very angry with people I've seen posting on the adoption board who insist that the only reason you're rejected is because there's something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we've just had some sh*t in our lives, that's all. Yes, I have two chronic illnesses but neither of them are my fault. All I can do is try to keep them under some sort of control as much as possible, which is what I am doing. One out of every seven people in this country has some sort of disability or long term illness. Are none of them parents? I should think that's very unlikely!
I try to get on with life and work but it's so difficult. It hurts all the time like a rotten tooth. 
I just want someone to give us a chance!
I'm sorry you're not being linked with any children, Rivka, it must be extremely annoying, to put it mildly and very frustrating! I hope you do hear something soon. I always think that once the process is over, the children come very quickly but obviously that's not always the case. After all you've been through, you deserve a break.  

Rowanxxx


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## Maisyz

Hi Rowan, I'd have thought people who've had difficulties and overcome them would be better adoptive parents if anything as it would mean they would have greater empathy and understanding for others. Hope things work out for you.


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## Guest

Hi Rowan,

Did you call AdoptionUk? I hope they gave you some good advice and support.

I also thought we should be matched by now, especially as the local press is full of stories about more prospective adopters needed, but we haven't heard anything for months and months ... Thanks for your kind words xx

Rivka x


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## Rowan22

Hi Rivka,

Yes, I've phoned the helpline and that was definitely worth doing! I was given some very helpful suggestions and advice. 
Basically, I shall be following up the original letter I wrote to one adoption agency and also writing to the other to ask them when on earth they are going to reply to us, as we're talking about a delay in excess of three months. That's just bad manners!
She couldn't see why my illnesses should present a problem, especially as they're under control without medication. As for my troubled past, the most important thing is that I've dealt with it. Of course, I can't rewrite it, we all know that but I've done the very best I could to deal with it. 
Thanks for your support.

Rowanxxx


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## Helen3

Hi Rowan,
I've been reading your posts with interest. First, to say I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through to try to adopt. I have no magic answers, but I just want to empathise since we too were turned down for adoption by 2 agencies....The first (social services) took 7 months to finally agree to see us only to tell us it was a 'no'. I felt as tho' I'd been slapped in the face...we were so shocked & it was all linked to my DH's past as an adoptee & basically the nightmare he'd had to go through when he'd been reunited with his birth mother as an adult & the mistakes they had both made.....

The 2nd agency was much more open-minded initially - we got to go on a prep course, went to network meetings etc, & 2 SWs visited us for lengthy chats, for the best part of a year...however, I kept emailing them to ask when we would start our home study & kept getting fobbed off or no answer at all (so rude!). Eventually (after a year), we were told that it was highly unlikely that we would be able to adopt because of my DHs past - all of which we had told them openly in the beginning! So I'm not sure who was most cruel, social services with their quick rejection of us without any thought (or knowledge of who we were) or the 2nd agency's long & drawn out rejection of us having given us such hope in the beginning but who ultimately were wasting our time, whilst draining our physical  & emotional energy....by the way we were told by both the experienced SWs who visited us that apart from my DHs experiences with his birth mother (his childhood with his adopted parents was v good, no problems), we ticked all the right boxes, & off the record they both told us that they thought we would make great parents!!! You would have thought, wouldn't you, that the fact that my DH had been adopted (as a baby) would have been seen in a positive light in that he would have extra understanding & sensitivity to any child we might have adopted? Given that they need more adopters (especially for older children) it seems a scandal that they are turning down potential parents because they don't tick all the boxes, not because they wouldn't make good parents. We also discovered that  SWs who represent the children to be matched, are not SWs who have experience with adoption! So how are they likely to make the best choices for many of these children who are dealing with adoption/identity/attachment & loss issues?

Sorry if this just adds to your burden but at least you know you are not alone, & it helps me a little to get it off my chest. Not many people truly understand how difficult adoption & fertility treatment is, & if I hear one more person who knows we haven't been able to have kids say 'well you could always adopt...' I will scream! I am also very sorry that you cannot afford DE treatment, which we are going to try one more time.

Anyway, all the very best to you & to us all


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## Rowan22

Hi Helen,

I'm sorry to read about your experiences.
There does seem to be a tick box mentality about adoption proceedings, at least in the early stages (and we've never got beyond that, so I can't comment on things like the Home Study). Do the social services really believe that they're going to get people coming forward as adoptive parents who've never been ill in their lives, are rich, have big houses in just the right locations and have had a perfect childhood? Such a thing doesn't exist outside the works of Enid Blyton!
And instead of taking a chance on inferior mortals, they prefer to let the kids rot in care homes, where they'll be lucky to emerge with one single GCSE according to the BBC last week, and even more lucky if they don't have mental health problems. This option is better than taking a chance on people like us, is it?
For God's sake!
At the moment, I feel extremely bitter. AF's here, which never helps. My body's playing a cruel game on me. These periods have never been pleasant, quite the reverse and I've had them for almost 40 years. All for nothing. 
Do you ever feel lonely, useless, unwanted? It seems our society worships parents and motherhood, just as much as it did when people built altars to the Virigin Mary. Programmes about people who have 19 kids on day time TV, for example. And no, I don't watch it. I am good at torturing myself but not quite that good! 
I only wanted one. Just one - and now the spring is coming, at least in theory. It was the spring equinox yesterday. Soon it will be Easter. Lots of associations with new life, birth, eggs... And I won't even comment on Mothers' Day. 
Sometimes, the whole of my life seems hopeless, though I'm reasonably good at my job (I'm told). It's not enough anymore and no, it doesn't pay enough to try de.
Good luck with your next attempt. I really hope it works for you.   

Rowanxxx


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