# Told to get drunk and have random sex - help!



## KjPam (Jan 11, 2008)

My partner and I paid privately to see a consultant in Hull approx 18 months ago now and were given what we now realise was some rather interesting advice!! We were told that the sperm shortage mean't that we would not ever be considered for treatment at the unit and even if we wanted to share our eggs with another couple, a man would never consider donating his sperm in return. We were also told that our best option would be to get drunk and have random sex on a Saturday night!!!! Obviously not an option. We left the clinic feeling completely demoralised and put the idea of having children of our own to the back of our minds.

However, the whole experience and with a more thought, my partner decided that she would like to donate her eggs, especially considering the 2 year waiting list. We re-approached the clinic and started the process of egg donation. Having just completed our councelling: some other thoughts have occured to us and lots more questions. The Nurse we saw at the clinic asked us why we had not put ourselves on the list for sperm donation? A difficult question to answer given the previous advice we had recieved. We are now really quite confused about where we go now. 

Has anyone experienced this. My partner has now had all the tests and we are ready to proceed with the egg donation, but are unsure whether this clinic is the best place to be and how we continue on our own path to have a family of our own.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much apprectiated

Kj and Pam


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

Hi - we nearly chose to go to Hull IVF (I presume that's where you went). We ended up using Care in Nottingham (bit of a trek from S****horpe but it was worth it). Fortunately we had sperm already as we had bought some after having our son in August 2005. 

I know that London Women's CLinic and The Bridge Clinic in London both have sperm available. There is definitely sperm out there if you can afford it. At Care they said there is a very long waiting list but it can be imported from abroad/purchased from other clnics but that it is expensive.

You may want to consider known donor option - i'm sure someone will provide you with some information about that. 

Good Luck (and I think you should report that doctor to the General Medical Council)

THIS MESSAGE WAS POSTED BY EVELET NOT ROSYPIE! SORRY FOR BEING CONFUSING


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## Tonia2 (Oct 30, 2005)

I've been told this by friends (in jest...maybe?) but NEVER by a clinic!! Our clinic would be horrified to hear this! In fact they don't openly recommend any kind of DIY conception for lesbians due to the potential health risks ( I say 'openly' b/c our Dr has said he would do screening etc for a known donor for us if we wanted, but it's kind of off the record!). 

I am horribly offended on your behalf and would suggest you don't go back to that clinic if you can help it!! Or at least not to that Dr. who said that. Like Evelet said, there is alot of alternative options available, all with different pros and cons, of course. And travelling for some time to get to an alternative/ good clinic is definately worth it, I think - lots of us do that.

I'm not exactly sure how things work in the UK, but I've never had the impression that other girls on here have been told that the only way to get access to sperm is via egg donation. I know that some do egg donation as a way of cutting the cost down, but as far as I've been aware, that's been the primary motivation/advantage of egg donating, nothing to do with sperm access. 

Keep doing lots of research -& definately ring around some other clinics that might be within 2-3 hours drive from you - you might be surprised at the different responses you get. A few girls on here have bought sperm from overseas - I"m not sure how that works. (Rach & Sue did that but they haven't posted for a while, so I"m not sure how you could contact them. They were posting on the preggy thread a while back, & had a baby due in Octoberish...) And like Evelet said, using a known donor might be a preferred option, depending on what you're comfortable with.  There's lots of advice on how this can work on the known donor thread on the board here.

Good luck!! 
Tonia
xx


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

That is indeed pretty shocking advice to receive from a clinic! Especially given how recently that happened. There are many places out there that will treat you, as a gay couple, and many where your partner can get into an egg-share IVF programme and have a chance at conceiving too. Finding somewhere within a reasonable distance for travelling for you may not be so easy though, I guess. I know MFS in Manchester has plenty of donor sperm and no waiting list at all, and that the new LWC in Darlington is also in a similar position. I suspect that doing egg-share would move you up any waiting lists that other places may have too.

Don't give up your dreams of a family - there are lots of options open to you, not including random Saturday night sex with a stranger. Good luck. There are loads of people on here that will have sound advice for you, should you want it.

Minty.


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

I have no useful advice I'm afraid but am absolutely SHOCKED   at what you were told. How unsympathetic, innappropriate and rude! (lots more rude words come to mind!) The more recent support sounds a whole lot better. I hope you find help soon and I'm sure the lovely people on this site will help you. Good luck with your journey.

Kay xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I'm shocked that any healthcare professional would promote unsafe sex with strangers!  friends have joked about this.  Like the girls have said there is sperm out there LWC, Wessex clinic and The Bridge (who import from Denmark now) have sperm and do egg share.  

In fact not that it helps us, but  some clinics also do sperm share.

Best of luck
L x


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## Mable (Apr 9, 2005)

Ridiculous, thoughtless dangerous advice, as you are aware. I'd report him too (GMC, HFEA) although he'll no doubt deny it. Sounds like the other staff at the unit are aware that you can access donor sperm like anyone else. However, with such a doc there, I would go elsewhere. 

Apparently there's loads of donor sperm in clinics in Manchester - no waiting lists. Can you travel?
Good luck anyway and keep us posted.


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

That is truly shocking and almost certainly the refusal to treat you is illegal under the Equality Act.  Definitely shop around - you'll find your experience elsewhere radically different.

Good luck, and don't write off all fertility clinics on the basis of this idiotic experience.

Natalie


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

What rubbish, please don't give up or believe them.  

My partner and I chose to go to CARE in Manchester after phoning them first to check to see if they treated lesbian women.  The only concession we had to make to our sexuality was to see their welfare councillor to be approved and to be honest that was no big deal at all.  The councillor meeting was at the end of December 06 and we were put on a donor sperm waiting list in Jan 07 after pretty much automatic approval.  A donor was offered to us three months later and our son is now due to be born in a few of weeks.

There must be a more enlightened clinic near to you, if not, Hull to Manchester is less than 2 hours drive, a crappy journey to make every couple of days for treatment but if you're lucky and it works first time you may only have to do it for a couple of weeks.

Good luck


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