# Will it ever be ok?



## orchardangel (Mar 16, 2008)

Hello.  
When I was a little girl, I could always see myself married and with two children - a boy and a girl.  I would be a young mum and me and my children would have so much fun together.  My daughter would be quiet, clever and kind and my son would be sporty, charming and handsome.  That dream was destroyed the day we found out my husband, due to a genetic problem, had a sperm count of 0.  After many tears and talks, we accepted we would never have our own 'natural' children and decided to go down the DIUI route.  Unfortunately, after several treatments, this did not work for us.  My FSH levels have risen considerably and IVF is not an option for us.  We have come to the conclusion that we will nurture our family of two.  Although on most days I can accept this and even enjoy spending time with my husband and two great dogs, there are still days when I feel the most unbearable pain.  I feel incredibly jealous every time a co-worker becomes pregnant, I find it hard to talk to my mum because she is mourning the loss of grandchildren as much as I am mourning the loss of having my own children and sometimes I feel so angry when I am treated differently to others because I have no children.  My boss recently made me attended a series of 'voluntary' meetings after work as I was 'the only one who won't be missed at home'!  I feel selfish when I look to the future and all I can see is loneliness.  The death of my gran bought it home to me.  She died in hospital with her children and grandchildren surrounding her.  Who will be there for me?  I keep telling myself it will get better, that I won't always feel this badly but at the moment I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Thanks for reading this - just being able to have a bit of a rant has been useful!


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I don't come on here as often as I used to as I am about to start DIUI and felt it wasn't right. My DH has a condition that means the sperm he produces has no way of leaving his body. He had some surgically removed and we had 2 ICSI's but the drugs had a terrible effect on my mental health and I couldn't do it again so hence DIUI is now our last option. It has really hit home to me lately just how sad I have been through out my 30's. In photo's I look uncomfortable in my own skin, rarely smile and have no confidence. I feel very lonely as everyone I know has children so I am not in that club and the ones that don't all seem to like football Ange spending lots of time in the pub or clubbing. Which again I don't.

So where does that leave me. I feel like a misfit. The things that keep me going are:

My husband who despite everything we have been through I know that life with him will be enough

My pets

My French classes which I started the same time as my first round of fertility treatment. They have introduced me to some new and wonderful friends and given me something other than infertility to think about. I have been learning for nearly 2 years and even though I am still hopeless I carry on.

We can only afford 3 goes of DIUI so by August I will know what my future will be. I am really looking forward to that. Not having children doesn't mean you will be alone till the end, nursing homes are full of old people disguarded by their children. Your Gran was lucky. I have a rubbish family, no mother, a father I haven't spoken to in 7 years and a brother who is quite frankly a nightmare. None of them understand me or love me like my husband does. None of us knows what our future holds so try and enjoy what is there now. I know it's hard, I do feel the same loneliness and identity problems too but life is short and eventually I hope (from reading posts on here from those that have been on this journey a lot longer) that one day I will smile alot more and be comfortable in my own skin again. Big hugs xx


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hiya Orchardangel

I'm soo sorry to hear that you are feeling low - I could identify with a lot of your post, so wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I cannot promise you that it will ever be OK, but I can honestly say that things do get easier over time. This very weekend I was thinking "Wow, I'm having a great weekend (as I was cycling through the mud!) and for today it feels OK". It has taken time for the raw, raw pain to subside and for it not to consume my thoughts each and every day. It's true that most days there are reminders, but I feel (mainly but not always) better equipped to cope with them. Counselling has helped a lot - well actually psychotherapy which seemed to help a lot more than the counselling and it has helped me face up to my feelings and be a lot less harsh on myself - I don't know if this is something you have considered or have already tried? For me it is all about being as kind as I can to myself and I have realised that it is unrealistic to expect others to understand - how on earth could they? If they cannot understand they are bound to say things which to me seem tactless - they don't mean to and don't realise the pain that they cause....

The fear of growing old alone has troubled me too - but perhaps this is all the more reason to embrace life and get involved in as many things as I can so that I will always be surrounded by friends and extended family even if I won't have that strong biological bond of my own children. I spent a few years hiding away and I realise now that it was a necessary phase for me whilst I was growing stronger, but that it is not going to help me in the long run. Time has helped me with this realisation and it seems very important to take each stage of the grieving process as it comes........ I work with young people and the other day a young lady with special needs said to me "Do you have children?" "No I don't" came my reply. "How long have you been married?" "6 years" "And you don't have children?" - the look of total incomprehension on her face was a picture! I felt like saying "No, I don't get it either"!!!

It seems very unfair to me that your boss insists that you attend the voluntary meetings - is there any way of explaining that you too have things you need to do?

Take good care of yourself......

S
X


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

Dear Orchard angel

My heart goes out to you, your post made me cry 

There is hope- you are so young.

Forgive me if I say the worng thing, I am just trying to give you hope......have you considered  continuing with donor sperm treatment -surrogacy, or donor IVF or even adoption?

I understand that sometimes you have to give up on having your own biological child and You have to mourn the loss of the children you might have had together as a couple, but if you have love to give, there are so many children despaprate for a family to love them, you need not end you days childless- they just may not be biologically yours but you'd love them the same.

My friend close by tried IVF several times, both teachers, both really wanted children of their own, as their late 30's approached they realised it just wasnt going to happen, so the woman said I want to adopt and they did. They got a little girl of 2yrs who had a a terrible start in life, with both parents in prison, she is now 10yrs and they say they love her as their own and the joy she brings to their life is emmense.
Theres always hope- things dont always turn out how you anticipated....but that doesnt mean you can never be a parent of some sort.

Karen xx


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## orchardangel (Mar 16, 2008)

Hi!
I just wanted to say thank you for your messages.  Your words of support make me feel stronger and not quite so alone.  It is so good being able to speak to people who understand the pain of infertillity and yet have managed to make happy, fulfilling lives for themselves.  Your advice and support means so much to me.  Thank you.


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