# Basic questions about donors to be a bit informed before first single appt



## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

Hi! Sorry I feel a bit as though I have just joined and am jumping all over your thread, but these questions keep burning through my head and I'm hoping that once I've asked they may allow me to finally get some sleep  
1 - What kinds of details about donors will clinics give me?
2- Has anyone any experience of the website co-parent.net? And if so -  positive/negative/how does it all work? plus - what exactly is in it for those people donating? I love the idea of being able to meet up with possible donors, but it seems all a bit too good to be true!
Sorry for the bombardment of questions... worryingly I'll probably have come up with even more by tomorrow!
thanks

/links


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Weeble, briefly, you should get physical characteristics, education, age, CMV status, blood group, and whether the donor's gametes have resulted in live births (either for him / her or for recipients).  However, you will need to ask for some of these - most clinics will be looking predominantly to provide a physical match.


Can't help with the website - sorry.  Hopefully BroodyChick will be along as I think she has researched along these lines.


A-Mx


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## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

Thanks Indekiwi!
really appreciate it - everything has just suddenly become so much more complicated


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Weeble.  
You (and others) might find my experience helpful and prevent you wasting time/money.  My Clinic had no donors at all so I had to purchase sperm from Xytex in the US.  You get all details about the donor including child, adult photos and family history.  I loved what my donor wrote about his family and that was what made me choose him. I am much happier with this extra information than the limited information from UK donors.  From the Xytex website you have to choose a UK compliant donor and match your CMV status. Check your Clinic will deal with Xytex and how much they charge for storage and paperwork related in importation.  It was really simple and very quick for me but obviously it costs and you have to decide how many vials you wish to order as shipping costs put the price up overall.

For IVF you can order ART vials which are cheaper and you should only need one (or less if using ICSI) per cycle.  Check with your clinic as some will use more than one vial per cycle.  For IUI standard unwashed vials are fine which can also be used for IVF.  Don't bother with unwashed vials as Clinics in the UK wash the sperm again so it is pointless spending the extra money for washed sperm. If you order standard unwashed vials, the clinic you use may be able to chip a little off the sample for ICSI which means one vial can be used for more than one cycle.  Other clinics will defrost two vials as routine practice for IVF,  thereby wasting a sample if it is not needed, without telling you as I found to my cost at my first clinic!  

I like the idea of co-parenting but I have no experience of the website you refer to.  I hope some of this information will be helpful in your journey to find a donor. 
BW
TCC


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Weeble good luck starting out, I think you need to explore the main differences between a known donor kd ( come in many dif forms if relationship) and co parenting.

I have a kd, a friend I knew before ttc and if I do ever have a child I will be responsible but s/he would have a relationship with him. Other kd have dif sorts of contact so letterbox, happy to be contacted at 18 or before etc. Co parenting is as it says 50/50 parenting.I have a male friend who co-parents and has his daughter one day during the week, and part weekends, shares costs and pr.


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Weeble - i would be very wary of that website. 
I suspect all you will find is men who want to have unprotected sex with women


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Weeble - it's a bit of a minefield at first, but gets easier when you've done your research!

Are you having treatment in the UK? If you are, then you'd need a UK compliant donor (identity release), either through a clinic or via one of the donor bank websites such as Xytex, Cryos or the European Sperm Bank - Tincancat has given you some useful advice if you're thinking of using a donor bank. If you're having treatment abroad, then typically clinic donors are anonymous, or you can import sperm from an ID release donor from a donor bank. 

The donor/co-parenting websites are unregulated, so you can find genuine donors/co-parents on there, but you can also find men whose motivations for donating are not altruistic at all! (as Violet has already said). Clinic/ donor bank donors have to go through rigorous testing to minimise the risk of them having an STD, or major genetic issues, and the clinics/ donor banks only accept donors with high quality sperm. UK sperm donors also have to go through implications counselling so they are fully aware of the implications of their donation, and understand that they may be contacted by resulting children when they are adults.

A key thing to bear in mind is that clinic/ donor bank donors give up all legal rights to any resulting children - known donors/ donors from websites retain several legal rights when it comes to donating to single women, such that they could demand regular access, challenge you for custody of the child in the future and even ask for child maintenance from you! Some women such as JJ1 have wonderful known donors that they trust completely, but using a known donor/ website donor has major legal implications - I personally wouldn't use a known donor unless I could really trust them (I had an ex volunteer to be a known donor when he learned I was having treatment, but I said no). Have a look at the legal board on FF - Natalie Gamble's website has lots of advice and information for single women using donor sperm and the legal things to think about.

Good luck!

Rose xx


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## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

Wow - thanks everyone for all of the advice! 
Violette, I can see exactly what you mean as one or two of the people suggest being available for 'natural insemination'. But they're gonna get no-where on that one as the surgeon's exact words to me last week were, " I never say that I am 100% certain someone cannot get pregnant naturally, as it takes only one sperm. However, in your case I would give you my highest level of 99.9% assurance that there is no way you will ever become pregnant without ivf.  

I did see one or two people who were offering because they had been through ivf due to their partner's fertility issues, and I found that idea reassuring. I will look into it a bit more - have an awful lot more thinking to do first on every level anyway!

Rose - thank you for the excellent advice re. known donors and rights. I guess there is a possibility of all of that working out, but you would have to be lucky!
Thanks again everyone for your advice,    so much to take on board right now.


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Hi Weebly, I have browsed a little in the past on that website, although I will go with donor from xytex, (just found it and will get my vials sent out next week to the clinic!!) My experience is that there are some good people there but mostly were a bit childish and in my opinion not very conscious about the whole thing, some were really just interested in spreading their semen around..weird, plus I find the whole thing a bit scary from your personal health point of view, whatever test they do, you cannot be 100% sure that at the moment they donate they are healthy. Plus again as others have suggested there are a lot of legal issues there. Using a known donor for IVF is something else, I have personally tried but being my donor out of the country it was all very complicated, time consuming and expensive, as being a donor means anyway you have to got through a lot of screening; this unless you decide that you will co parent with your donor, in whic case he will be the legal father with all the implications, no big screening for that one, but I would personally do it only with a trusted person.
Good luck!!!
Xx


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## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

Thanks Elle,
Great advice again - you ladies all rock!
I have replied to a couple of messages now, (and banned a couple of dodgies too), but I think given my need for speed I will probably go with the unknown donor situation for now, just because it will be quicker (saw a few mentions of a 6 month quarantine around today!). I have actually also sent a message to a very very important ex who I know would like his own children one day. I kind of figure that if I hadn't had that operation (we were together at the time actually) then we'd fairly certainly be co-parents right now anyway! That's his call, obviously he'd need to think a great deal about it too and he's away at the moment anyway.
I certainly agree with your point about lots of the people there just being immature, but the replies I made were because of the reasons those people gave for wanting to do this. That's kind of my biggest question about the site for now - what exactly is in it for them?
Think I am really just trying to gain as much information as I possibly can from as many different areas as possible. Taking some kinds of concrete action is also helping me to clarify my own feelings about the whole idea. Last week I thought it was just a crazy notion, since yesterday it is becoming a definite possiblity!
I am so glad of this thread though - this is somewhere where you know you can trust the advice you are given as always honest. It's a bit of a lifeline for me right now.


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