# My Journey



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi All, 

Decided to share my journey as I have so many thoughts and have been through so much and don't really feel there is anyone in my life that understands where I am or what I am going through. That is one of the many difficult things about this that I really wasn't prepared for. All the people I have close to now feel a million miles away. They have their happy lives and just seem to say well intentioned but incredibly hurtful things. 

I am 27 years old and work as a primary school teacher. I have been married for 2 years. 
In the last 12 months (but this nearly all happened within the space of 3 months.) I found out that my husband couldn't have children, my sister emigrated to Australia (her husband is Australian but she is the only person I've ever really felt able to talk to about all this.) My father in law aged 69 and Grandfather aged 91 both were diagnosed and died of cancer. Went through one round of ICSI after much debate (I wanted to adopt he wanted to try ICSI), which failed but did mean having to hide in toilets at the various funerals to inject myself. But I am still standing. 

All I have ever wanted to do with my life is be a wife and mother. I know this isn't fashionable these days and people tend to think badly of you but this is what I have always wanted. I have always worked in children's services and have always worked incredibly hard and been very committed to improving the life chances of young people in the roles I have done. However having been on the journey that I have been on in the last 2 years I am finding it increasingly difficult to go into work and deal with families who don't really do anything for their children. So not sure what job future is. Will it go down really badly if I move jobs? 

I have now contacted the local council about adoption. I was initially really hopeful as the socail workers were really nice on the phone, it is something I have always considered and feel like for the first time I am starting on a path that may actually lead to becoming a family. However they won't start assessing me till I move house as my house is unsuitable. So we are desperately seeking advice to help us move. Since then I have read that they won't assess you till you are 6months clear from ICSI/IVF. I understand then reasons re acceptance etc around this but is this an iron cast rule or will they look at individual circumstances? We could have 2 more free cycles and chose to walk away in favour of adoption surely this shows acceptance or does it not work like that? 

I have also read they like you to wait 6 months after bereavement but again we can't help how unlucky we have been. Everything we have been through just makes me and my husband realise how important family is and how committed we are to this journey. 

Anyway this is where I am up to. Trying to sort out finances to move house so I can move forward and out from under the black cloud that feels as though it has been over me forever. Fingers crossed I'll have some good luck soon and things will start to fall into place.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello and welcome!

I think our story and experiences have some similarities, although of course there are many things personal to you, it sounds as if you have had a tough time and i am so sorry you are struggling.

I am also 27, quite young realistically but feel a lot older in my head, given the journey we have been on. I am engaged to a wonderful man, we have had 3 failed ICSI cycles. Like you i work in the early years sector, visiting families in deprived areas and supporting them to interact positively with their children, all the while being so jealous and often sad. 

We applied to a LA and were so hopeful. Interview did go well but SW was fearful that we had only waited 6 months and due to being young worried whether i was ready to give up on birth children. I assured her i was and physically, emotionally and financially it was the end of that journey. I honestly dont think she was convinced and kept raising it. We have not yet heard back from them about whether we can progress but i think they will make us wait. I think they would worry whether you might change your mind as they may think you have not exhausted all avenues so to speak so i would be ready to justify your decision. Its hard and i believe if i were ten years older they wouldnt have raised it so many times.

In the meantime we have talked to a VA and meet with them this week. I did talk to a SW on the phone as she felt 6, now 7 months was fine if i feel emotionally ready and didnt mention my age. Maybe something to consider!

Like i said i do understand your feelings with your job. I have worked with children since leaving school and for the last 2 years have been at uni at the weekend doing my early years degree, talking about bonding in the womb in lessons, then injecting and crying in the toilet. Its very hard but in a positive light all the SWs so far have been very happy that i have existing experience and knowledge in this field. Dont quit lovely, it will show strength and commitment to continue.

It is only early days for us but i hope i helped a little, and gave you a few things to think about. Good luck to you and DH x x x x x


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## flickJ

Hi, welcome to the forum .......  I am so sorry to hear about dreadful time, and I truly hope you find the support you so desperately need.  

Nothing I have been through compares to what you have had to cope with, but you and your DH must be such strong people (although I bet sometimes it doesn't feel like it) 

You seem to be preparing yourself well for the journey you have started, find out as much information as you can  (this forum is a wonderful place for info and support) and read as much as you can. Most importantly, find the right LA/VA for you and that you feel comfortable with and one day that dream of being a family can come true


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you so much for your responses it is really good to hear from people who are in my situation. 

One thing I have been considering is going on supply rather than having my full time post. I figured that that way I could be more flexible reduce my work load and hours and hopefully feel under less pressure. The problem is that I take a lot of work home on evenings and weekends and feel I never get a break from thoughts about children (be it the 25 in my class or the ones I don't have.) Also I don't have an annual leave allowance (obviously because I have the holidays) but there is no flexibility so I can't take leave to attend things that might help.  Anyway some good news our mortgage company have agreed to us letting our house out and someone else thinks they can get us another mortgage if we can get 25% deposit together. (Good job we've always been savers but it's going to push us)

Thank you for the warning about age etc. In my phone interview she was really nice but did ask about my age she just said Your a lot younger than most of the people we deal with. What are your thoughts on that? I just said we always wanted to be younger parents and we had done all the things we wanted to do as individuals and now wanted to be a family. 

I think judging us on age is unfair. I don't see how age effects whether you have given up on having biological children as our situations are no different to people ten or fifteen years older. We simply started on this path younger. It's good to hear what issues have been raised with you we'll have to keep each other posted so we can prep answers.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

That's great news with your house! As for your job that does sound a good solution as you will have maintain the experience and keep your skills current. Trust me, I do really get what you are going through on that front. I have nearly finished uni (7 weeks 3 days!! ) It seems crazy that in the 3 years of study I have been through diagnosis, numerous treatments and then onto adoption! Anyway, it can't come soon enough, I feel like I live, sleep, breathe children, yet its the one thing I can't have. I hear ya about easing pressure, I think a bit of breathing space will help us both!

I also believe that being in our jobs shows our love for children, it's what we dedicated our career to - not that it feels any less for anyone else, please don't take that the wrong way. It's just a passion and in our nature to be around kiddies, so naturally we would want children, and I have found a lot of early years workers are younger mums. Hence why I'm here at 27, as we started trying when I was 22! I tried to sell it to the LA SW that we would be able to commit many years (god willing) to our future family, had the energy for all they could throw at us etc etc.  She didn't say no but I just got a vibe that she didn't quite believe me when I said we were 100% committed.  Like you I just want to be a mum, everything else is a bonus.  But you have the hubby, the career, the house (hopefully new one soon!), it is a natural progression.  

I would say have a look around at maybe a voluntary agency in your area also, then you can gauge both of their perspectives on how long to wait, their stance on your treatment and age, the process and care package they offer.  

But please don't worry, I'm just speaking from what I found being 'only young', everyones experience is different.  I have a meeting with VA Friday and so far I am impressed, so i'm hoping they don't make such a big deal about it.  After all the minimum age to adopt is 21, so compared to that we are positively old   

Lolly xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hiya just wanted to drop by and say welcome and good luck with your journey honey. 

We have our prep course next month so looking forward to that. 

Good luck honey xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I have my fingers crossed for you with your meetings etc with SW I'm sure they will go really well. Lolly you have done amazing to complete your degree with everything that is going on in your life make sure you have a big fuss and celebration for your graduation. Hope the wedding plans are going well too. 

I need a bit of advice (sorry to be so needy just need people in my positions perspective.) One of my best friends has text me saying she was pregnant and went for her 12 weeks scan and they told her there was nothing there. She must of miscarried with no symptoms which is obviously horrible and really upsetting for her. In this text she said she now understands how I must feel and what I am going through. 

She really wants to meet up with me at the weekend. (She lives over two hours from me so meeting up isn't as simple as a quick coffee.) I might be wrong but I think she wants to see me because she feels I'm the only person she knows who understands the pain she is in. Which is a feeling I understand that need for others who understand what you feel is why I joined this group. 

I'm really torn. She is a great friend and I really want to support her but I know it will take a massive toll on me. When my father in law was in hospital we were up at half five to go to my bloods etc,  then in work, then straight to hospital to see him, getting home at 9pm eating sleeping and doing it again.  After we lost my father in law I promised myself that I was going to put myself first and not subject myself to baby showers christenings and other things that take me weeks to prepare myself for and put myself together after. But this is different she isn't happy she's sad. 

However on a selfish level - supporting her through this will really have a massive effect on me. Also ultimately the one thing I can't cope with is people thinking they understand my situation (obviously people here aside because you do.) She will go on get pregnant again and ultimately have a family very quickly. I don't know if and when that will ever happen for me. 

What do I do. Be a bad person and friend and put myself first? Or do the right thing and support someone who needs me regardless of the cost? If I don't meet up with her what do I say to preserve our friendship through that? If I do meet up with her how do I cope with her telling me she knows how I'm feeling? 

Thank you for your help and replies x


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## flickJ

You are in an extremly difficult situation   I don't want to say I know how you feel because I would not presume to. 

My last M/C at 11 weeks and that was only a few months before our wedding, I found out that one of my friends at the wedding was a few weeks pregnant and I just couldn't face the thought of continuing to go for coffee/meeting up and watching her grow bigger and bigger as I should be   

Since starting the adoption process, I have realised that I have cut myself off from everything because, at my age, I thought it was the end of a dream. Even DH admitted he had to tread on egg shells around me when it came to the subject of children and it did not help when he has already got three !!!!

I wish I had talked to her and explained what I was feeling as well as supporting her.

Can you tell her how you are feeling? You are not a bad person by not wanting to be told she knows how you feel,  you have been through so much that you need to put yourself first sometimes.

Maybe the fact your friend understands now, will help you in the grieving process - I hesitate to give you advice as everyone deals with trauma differently. I know you want to be there  for her,  but it maybe too hard for you   

I wish there was a right or wrong answer, but I am sure you will make the right decision for you


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Flick, 

A lot to think about. My worry is cutting myself off from people like you say because I can see myself wanting to do it. At the moment I'm trying to stop myself and force myself to carry on like normal (what ever that is?) Do you think cutting yourself off was a good or bad thing? 

On another note. I looked at a house today. Which I liked but I know SS are very picky about gardens. The back door was off the side of the kitchen and there are 12 steps down to the garden from the door. Will this be a problem? It's because the house goes in the front door at a level which the ground floor is at but the actual ground slopes so at the back of the house ie. kitchen there is a storage room under. So you go down steps from the kitchen to get onto ground level at the back of the house and the garden.  The garden isn't secure but could be made secure. Husband works in construction so can make the stairs safer or into a ramp or whatever they desire but we can't change the fact the back door is effectively half a storey / 12 steps up.


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## flickJ

Hi, In answer to your question whether it was good or bad? - in hindsight, it was probably a bad  thing. DH was the only one I felt I could talk to (looking back, he had to deal with me as well as grieving himself  ) He must have been mad to put up with me 

On the house front, I think maybe it will have something to do with the age of the child you are hoping to adopt but I must admit it has never really occurred to me that some houses may not be suitable. I am sure some kind person on this forum can give you a better answer. I'm interested myself. Good luck with your decisions


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi Flick, 

A woman I worked with years ago sister adopted (I was very young then and it wasn't on my radar for me) but I remember her saying she had to change glass in doors to safety glass and make some other small alterations to her house. My Mum's friend is a SW on children in need team rather than adoption but obviously she works with the adoption teams as she passes families over and can remain involved with the children. 

Remembering what I said above and obviously looking to move I asked my Mum to ask her about it. She said to my Mum part of the assessment is a health and safety inspection of your house. The big issues tend to be stair cases and gardens. Stair cases need to be sensible, not over steep or easy to injure yourself on. Gardens need to be secure so children can't get out and get run over. I'm no expert this is third hand Mum's friend,  to Mum to me so may have got exaggerated / misunderstood. My mum said she also advised crawling on the floor in all rooms to look at the room from a small child's view. What is at their level and is it dangerous also is there plenty of space for them to move about. I don't know if they would just say no to a house or if they will always find solutions. 

I am meeting my Mum's friend this afternoon so I will ask and post any info I find to help x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello!

Wow you have friends in helpful places! That is good you can get some pertty instant feedback and get solutions in place before anything is officially deemed as a 'problem'.  I have read on other posts within this forum that some people have had issues with stairs as they do not have bannisters, and so they had to action this before the health and safety box is checked.  I haven't heard about garden issues, but I suppose they would have to be secure, which may mean some would have to put up fencing or high locks on a gate.  Will be interested to hear more.

Have you made any decisions with regard to meeting your friend.  What a hard situation to be in.  I can imagine I would feel the same turmoil.  It is impossible for her to know how you feel, and likewise for you to understand how she does.  They are two very different situations.  You cannot have children and so really have limited chances to get pregnant.  She can get pregnant easily by all accounts but sadly lost a baby.  We lost too, but in a different way as our embryos never stuck and so the loss was different.  I can see why she may think that you can empathise with the sense of sadness and loss, but really they are very different and future pathways are different so it'll be hard for you both.  But maybe meeting up and being there for each other would be nice if the baby talk was limited, and instead you had a day out together at the cinema? Company without the whole 'chat' aspect.  You would have to explain reasons though I guess... its so hard.  I would be equally torn and wish you luck in whatever you decide xxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey All, 

Right had a busy couple of days and a busy few ahead. Have 4 house viewings booked over the weekend. Have been thinking about the house situation a lot and decided much as I want to I can't rush into things. Where we live is very expensive house prices this combined with the fact I'm thinking about one day being in a house all day everyday with children (fingers crossed). This is very different to my relationship with my current house where I am out for 12 hours a day. 

Having talked to my Mums friends who is a SW re houses she said most things are solvable if you are willing and proactive it's common sense more than anything. She said the bigger consideration is mine not SW as it is me who has to live with it. She advised looking at houses with a mind set of how would I cope with a child's worse behaviour in here.  E..g How would I feel carrying a child having a massive tantrum up or down the stairs etc. 

She also advised reading the BAAF books on attachment theory this is a big thing they are interested in. On the prep course when they observe you they are looking to see how you respond to what they present. They are trying to make the unsuitable drop out by shocking them with the truth. If you look totally traumatised and horrified by everything they present to you this will not go down well. 

In terms of assessment she said it is gruelling because they are looking to find your buttons and weaknesses. She said a child that is adopted knows how to push these limitations so having them isn't a problem but you need to recognise them and know how to deal with them. So they look at you as individuals, a couple and your childhood experience and issues. Of the back of talking to her me and my husband have decided to look at how we communicate around painful and difficult issues. Not that we do this badly but it is something we need to work on in order to cope with the strain of adoption. We tend to presume the other one knows what we are thinking when they don't. We have also started discussing what may come up as childhood issues. We both had happy loved childhoods but everyone has issues. Just basically because my Mum's friend SW said issues come not because of the issues but because people aren't willing to be honest, open and address them. 

Hope this information is useful to others x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Lolly, 

I have house viewings booked Sunday when my friend wanted to meet as it is the only day my husband isn't working. So can't meet her this weekend which is probably a good thing. I will meet up with her but I think I need a bit more time. Like you say I know how it feels to loose your embies as they do't take but not how it feels to test positive and loose. 

I guess if I'm being honest the hardest thing for me is the fact I know she will have a family very soon. It's not that I don't want other people to have a family and be happy its just hard for me to deal with it. Lolly you like me have started trying for a family young. When I've said I would love a family all my friends have shuddered and said they think I'm crazy they can't think of anything worse than having a child. I'm now going to have to watch all these people (including this friend) having families before I do. This is going to be incredibly hard for me not really sure how I'll get through it. All my husbands friends have had families since we have wanted one but we didn't know we couldn't have a family then so it was hard but not as hard as this is going to be.


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## KJB1978

Hi Gwyneth27, Welcome!

You do sound like you have had a lot to deal with on top of the treatment too. Hope it is getting better.

We were also told we had to wait 6 months from our last treatment/MC (by LA) to apply but we like you walked away from more treatment even though we had more money to throw at it and had made peace with the fact. We had decided on adoption and visited the open evening but decided just before the 6 months wait between treatments to have another go of treatment which was successful but ended in MC. I had grief counselling over a 11wk+5 day MC on our last treatment and called the LA to explain this and how I felt I had dealt with our loss and was totally honest with them so they agreed to visit just 3 weeks after we lost our baby to see how we were doing but warned us we might still have to wait 6 months. It went really well and we had to explain how we had dealt with it etcetc but we were approved and started straight away.

I am a breastfeeding counsellor so also see new babies constantly and am a maternity and newborn photographer too and am surrounded by what feels like the most fertile family and friends on the planet (LOL - am sure lots of you feel like this too) but I learnt never to cut myself off from it as have done that in the past and after years of doing it have taught myself that it still doesn't help. Personally I would get upset seeing random pregnant strangers in the street or going to christenings of friends etc and after a while found I would rather have my support network with me than pushing them away. I would obviously get upset when I found out friends were pregnant but allowed myself a little half hour of wallowing and then made myself jump up and think of five positive things about my life so by the time they were starting to show I could get interested in baby scans and names etc to help support my friends too. This seemed to help me but I know everyone is different.

A friend's SW said to her that it looked fantastic that whilst in the middle of their adoption process (HS) she dropped from full to part time in preparation of becoming a Mummy so if you can financially stretch to it maybe that would help you. It would also give you more time to rest and relax which may make you feel better in yourself and would obviously help when trying to fit in all the home visits and homework which is needed if getting time off work is difficult.

Hope the house issue gets sorted too as I know they like to see stability in all areas of your life as the LO's apparently don't cope well with lots of change.

Got everything crossed for you
x​


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks KJB 

Really useful advice. Really good to hear someone who is having some positives after going through so much. What you had to deal with must be really hard I can't begin to imagine. One thing I am grateful for  is that our fertility issues were so severe we went straight in the process at ICSI after tests and I knew it hadn't worked before I did my HPT. I think this for me made it easier than other situations we could have gone through. 

Thanks for telling me about your friend dropping to part time. You have summed up exactly how I feel I need more time to look after myself before I can deal with others. One thing I have learnt in the last 6 months is my limits. I've have learnt that my ability to cope is greater than I knew (even though I've always been one of lives tough cookies.) However this doesn't mean it is right or respectful of myself to do and cope with everything just because I can. 

I used to want to do everything and carry on like normal because other people tell me I should and I didn't want to appear weak. However I now want to be the happiest I can be and focus on my marriage and the new version of family we are embarking on. Cutting down isn't a sign of failure or weakness it's having a bit of consideration for myself. It's taken a long time to feel ok with that but I do. Your advice has helped cement my decisions so thank you x


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## KJB1978

100% agree with you, you must take time out to look after yourself and not try to cope with everything just because you can, we are humans after all not robots.  I think it is a strong person that can say I need to do less and very brave of you to contemplate dropping hours so good on you!!!  Have a great weekend!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Right 5 house viewings down a lot of thoughts later and a mashed head. Can't believe I'm back to work tomorrow I really don't want to  . 

House 1 - Rooms felt small and it's on a main road and next to a petrol station. However 3 double bedrooms and a massive garden but the garden is down 12 steep steps from the back door. But has scope to extend in the future. 

House 2 - I fell in love initially 5 minute walk from where I live now so I know I'd be happy with the area. 4 bedrooms all a good size. Big front room plus good size kitchen and dining room. HUGE negative the garden in an actual death trap. On 3 levels the highest of which is the height of the roof.   A child could never play there. 

House 3 - Beautiful huge garden big positive after 2 death trap gardens. However the house is small made to feel bigger by a cheap conservatory on the back that opens up a kitchen dining area. Without it the kitchen would feel the size of  shoe box. Also not very close to any primary schools. 

House 4 - Big house on a small plot. 4 decent enough sized bedrooms, decent sized front room and kitchen. 2 bathrooms. All is dated IE. kitchen, bathroom and decor wise but is functional. Small none lethal garden but there is a big park on the other side of the road (across a car park.) Road is narrow with lots of parked cars but only residents use it. 

House 5 - Stunning rural location but not big enough. It's a load of converted out buildings and barns from a farm it was immaculate I mean literally not a blade of grass out of place people all polishing their already amazingly shiny cars. 9 houses have shared responsibility for areas. All seemed lovely but don't think my husbands massive transit and (fingers crossed) children with attachment and behaviour issues would go down well. 

Conclusion  - We can not afford the size of house we want, with the size of garden we want, in the area we want. 
Now deciding what we are willing to compromise on. Realistically I think house 4 is the only one still in the running. Just got to decide if this is the right compromise because we couldn't afford to replace or change things like kitchens and bathrooms for a few years. 

Any advice greatly received. Hope you all had a good weekend ladies x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Just checking in to see how you are getting on now you are back at work   I hope it has not been too hard and you are managing alright.

Have you thought any more about houses?  You have obviously thought a lot about things SW will be looking out for during health and safety checks and home assessments.  That alone shows how serious you are about finding a home that is right for your family.  Sending you all my love xxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey Lolly, 

Good to hear from you. Work has been all right I've chosen the path of honesty (I just can't help it I'm an honest person.) Told my boss I am considering whether this is still right for me with everything that I've had to go through. She was really nice and said I just had to make the right decision for me and shouldn't rush. She also pointed out in a really supportive way that perhaps I should go for counselling that anyone however strong would be struggling a bit if they had been through one of the things I've been through in the last 3 months let alone all of them. And maybe I should leave a decision  till then as changing house job etc is unlikely to actually make me happier. Which is probably true but I guess I different version of crap seems better than the version of crap I've currently got lol. 

On the house front we have reviewed number 4 and I really like it just got to wait for hubby to make his mind up and assess finances etc. 

On the family front had a bit of a rubbish week. I have sat back and realised that my husband is a long way off being ready to adopt which is really hard for me because I need to move forward. Not sure when or if he'll get there although he doesn't accept this says he just needs time. So also not really sure where this leaves our marriage. We love each other so much and I know it sounds stupid but without this we would have a near perfect relationship. I look at couples round us who take each other for granted, row and don't consider each other we have never been like that we've always put each other first. I just don't know how we'll get through this I hate the fact I am constantly upsetting him. He is far more positive than me and says we're fine this is the only issue and other than this we are happy but this issue is making me unhappy in all areas of my life.  

I guess he is upset but otherwise happy with his life where as that isn't how I feel. I am the only person he has ever loved or committed to so he thinks that we are indestructible but I have loved and lost and know it isn't that simple and love doesn't always conquer all.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh hun, so sorry you are having a crappy time.

I know this won't be what you want to hear but you have so recently finished cycling your hormones are probably still flying round your body and you are coming to terms with things.  It will take time.  I am not saying that you are not sure what you want, I do believe you know that adoption is right for you, as I have told you, I think we are very similar, and I knew I felt the same.  It is just a very troubling and unsettled time and for a while it will feel a bit overwhelming.  But as things settle down I hope your DH and you find peace in next steps.  Oh it is so hard, and as I have told you i have been there and I simply could not go on with any more treatment.  When DF said he wanted to keep trying I simply didn't know how our relationship would work.  I felt that while the rest of my life was good on paper I couldn't enjoy it as the sadness i felt every day consumed me.  There were tears, arguments, total emptiness, but we kept talking.  We have gone full circle and it has taken time but I think we are finally there.  I pray you get there too.  It is harder as you have IVFs available to you, with DF the option was taken out of his hands some what as we had utilised all the NHS could offer. 

On a little plus your work do seem lovely and they are probably right that counselling will help.  I had some through our hospital.  She has had failed IVF and knows the hurt of IF.  Pessimistically it doesn't change anything, but does open up channels to manage some of your emotions.


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## flickJ

So sorry you are having a tough time at the moment,   

Although I have lost a child, I haven't been down the treatment route myself so I could not possibly know how you are feeling so all I can say is I hope you can work this all out.

Take time out and maybe go and talk to someone, I did . Take a step back and sort out things, your house will take a lot of your time. Have a good weekend, hun and relax


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies, 

Guess I've got to get my head into a different space. I've spent a lot of years with life on hold making decisions based round the fact I'm going to be a mother. This is fine if you become one quickly but when you've had my experience it leaves you feeling like you're not achieving things in any area of your life. I think that is the difference between me and my husband, we were going to be a very traditional family he pays the bills and I focus on family and work everything else round that. (That sounds bad he'd be a brilliant loving father I'm sure you know what I mean.) So I guess job wise I trained to be a teacher because I am passionate about the importance of a good education to improve life chances but also because it's a great job to go back to 2 days a week post kids.

No-one myself included really expected me to have a successful career not because I'm not capable but because I've always been a natural wife and mother type. I'm coming to terms with the fact I have no idea if or when I'll ever be a mother so I need to find focus and fulfilment elsewhere. I'm just really scared I've always worked in my sector and don't have any experience or knowledge of anything else. 

Also I've been told that adoption agencies look for stability and would look at me moving jobs badly so I guess I don't feel convinced of what to do. One big issues with my CV is that I'll be 28 and won't have done more than 12 to 18 months in any role. This isn't actually my fault I've always been on temporary contracts up until my current post. So much to think about. But then I think I can't let that sway me because that again is continuing to make decisions based on when I'll be a mother. 

My husband is quite unsure I guess in part because it'll mean a large pay cut but also because he says I need to have an idea about what I want to do. He says if I tell him a job I do want to do he'd support me but just wanting out isn't a great reason to leave in a difficult job market. I understand what he is saying but I guess it's hard to know what I want to do without experience. 

Bottom line I want to feel happy and positive about my life as it is and I don't at the moment. Is this realistic have any of you managed this?


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## hawk26

Hi,
I really feel for you at the minute and thought I would share some thoughts. I also work as a teacher, although my motivation for doing so was very different and I am more of what might be considered a 'career teacher', now in middle management. Have you considered taking on a slightly different role in your school or maybe training to do so, if it would be an option? Is there a related career that you would be interested in that you could start preparing for whilst in your current job? I have been learning how to fill my life with things other than children and it is tricky! I started a masters degree a few years ago but put it on hold. Now that we have finished tx and are waiting for the adoption process to occur, I have started again. I have also started running again and have made more commitments to regular things with friends. This has made me feel more normal, less like I am waiitng around and I have less time to dwell on why I am not yet a mum. I had always wanted to go skiing so we went and Christmas and again at Easter. It felt great because it isn't something we could probably afford with children so it felt like we were doing all the things you might choose to before you are ready to have children. I know you didn't feel the need for such a phase and by the time I met DH I was over it, but maybe you could feel like it now?
I hope I haven't been patronising or bossy but these things have helped me more than I can explain and I finally feel sane (if only the SW would ring....!!!)

Hawk


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi Hawk, 

All very good and useful advice. The school I work at is a small school (only 5 classes) and PPA is covered by HLTA's so unfortunately another role isn't an option which is a shame because they have been so supportive and I get on with everyone well.

Before teaching I worked in wider children's services on a project for children with severe learning difficulties and as an EWO.  In all honesty if I hadn't relocated to move in with my husband I would probably still be working as an EWO on Merseyside and would have climbed the ranks there because I loved the office and the job. I am keeping an eye out for these kind of roles but with budget cuts there isn't really any about. 

I totally agree with you about filling your life that is exactly what I want to do. This is a big motivation for me wanting to move jobs. In term time I work 11 hours days ( in at 7 and generally working to about 6.) Then I work at weekends. I tend not to make commitments at weekends in term time due to work load. With having relocated my really close friends aren't local so it means over night stays to meet up. This is what I want to do have more time with friends but find it hard to juggle work load and doing this. Then in the holidays I'm left dwelling on everything while all my friends are working. I want to work hours more similar to theirs. My husband says that I'm doing too much and when he's worked on schools (building) all staff have been in and out between 8:30 and 4:30. He says just to work less and do the things I want. This doesn't sit well with me as I believe education is really important and work with deprived children I feel everything needs to be the best it can.

I will carry on looking for jobs in wider children's services and keep my fingers crossed. Surely I must be due some good luck soon?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Right I am restarting this. After a lot of stress and some sideways steps we are back on our adoption journey and this time DH is 100% committed. 

So I have moved house - we are now in a 4 bed detached. It is wonderful I love it. It is the only place that has ever felt like home apart from the house I grew up in. Everywhere else has been somewhere I live not a home. So 3 perfect good size spare bedrooms waiting for some gorgeous LO's to fill. All freshly painted neutral so they are a blank canvas ready for quick transformation for whoever is placed with us. The layout and room sizes are perfect for family living. 

I bravely handed my notice in at work. I knew that they wouldn't give me time off for prep etc in term time and that would have meant waiting and going with an agency because they run prep in August not because they are right for us. This is my top priority and work was making me miserable. I was very lucky and found a job after handing my notice (in October because I had to to leave at Xmas)  a week before Xmas I was offered a job starting on 8th January. 

It is a big pay cut but we figured when     we adopt I won't work and will have no income so best adjust.  . The new job is a short term contract covering for someone who was recalled to the army. It will last to April / May time which we guess I am best going part time then. Our prep is a day a week across June so will need to be part time as people won't give that time off at short notice. 

I also got my beautiful baby dog. He is the light of our world and we adore him. It has taken a lot of work but he is now 7 months, perfectly house trained, very soft and good with kids (phew.) He is great company when DH works late. Also great for health both physical and mental. I walk him before and after work regardless of the weather and it makes me feel loads healthier. When I have a down day (which aren't very often now) he puts his front paws on my shoulders hugging me and licks the tears off my cheeks so cute. 

We have also been accepted to start prep in June after an initial interview last month. I am too scared to be excited yet. I keep thinking irrational things like - what if they loose our paper work, forget we are on the course and it gets fully booked by others. Can't help it. I want an excuse to ring them and just make contact to make sure they remember about us but want it to be a good reason not random. I guess once we get to March I can ring and ask when formal paper work is being sent out for prep. 

It's good to back where I belong taking life one day at a time each of which is hopefully a day closer to becoming a Mummy. x x


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## Sq9

Good luck gwyneth. Sounds like you've really been through it over the last few years but look at how far you've come since this time last year, and imagine where you might be this time next year. June will be here before you know it and use the time until then to enjoy all the things you might not get to do so often once your hands are full filling those extra bedrooms!
Take care


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

So happy for you gwyneth good luck honey xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks beautiful ladies. Well after a couple of hours out in the fields with my little dog I am now showered and waiting for DH to finish his shower (hope I haven't used all the hot water this house has a tank boiler not a combi I always forget   ). 

Then we are pricing up carpets for the stairs and landing. At the moment the staircase is polished wood and slippy not good for little LO's. Discussed it with SW on initial visit and she agreed best to carpet it before health and safety assessment on the house. So figured this is what this time is for. Can't aford to get something today but will price up and have a good idea of what we need. Baby steps hey I tell myself each little thing like this gets us closer.  

Hope you are all enjoying your Sunday x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well carpet like everything else in this world is very expensive but we know now we need about £1200 to do it. Which is roughly what we guessed at so not a nasty surprise at least. (Was hoping for a pleasant surprise but c'est la vie.) 

Had a lovely lunch in the bargain and a good chat with DH. He has a disabled sibling hence our disabled nephew (it's a genetic condition) so we were talking about the dynamic of getting them all out etc (we've had them over night this week.) I was saying that I don't think you can stop the other siblings from doing things because they're disabled sibling can't. DH got a bit teary and said that's what no-one understands it's harder to be the sibling because you don't get to do anything your sibling can't but no-one worries about you or recognises that you can't (because you can physically do it but are never given the opportunity.) He gave examples of things like being on holiday and there being an adventure park. He didn't go on them because his sibling couldn't he said well even if I was allowed how fun is it on your own. Everyone else is playing with their brothers and sisters.   Bless he is so sweet. 

This lead to a really honest conversation about his feelings about adopting a sibling group with a physically disabled sibling in. I discussed how I believe his family unit would have dealt with it and he said I was correct. I told him what approach I would take. It was nice to discuss the potential pitfalls of challenging parenting situations.We also chatted about the fact that SW will want to discuss this at length with him. So they can ensure you don't bring your childhood issues to the child. 

DH and I are really close and I have an instinct for how he feels about things but it is lovely when I get the rare moments when he actually verbalizes things to me.  I know every moment like that is special because he won't ever have said those things to anyone else.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Welcome back hunny   You know I am over the moon to see you here  

It sounds like you guys are keeping busy, putting things into place in preparation, and this is great.  We all know sitting around and waiting is the hardest thing to do.  It is so good that hubby is really thinking about issues and opening up.  He seems in the 'adoption mindset' 100% now and what a happy relief that must be.  He is also experienced about some of the complexities that you may face in the future with LOs, or at least things you may discuss with your SW.  This is a valuable incite.  He has a lot of life experience really and this can be applied throughout HS and will only be a positive thing in terms of knowledge, resilience and acceptance.  

You seem in a very good place and I am so happy!  We both can't wait to see you two again in our neck of the woods!!

Love Lolly xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Today was a typical day in crazy world we live in. Spent some of the day dealing with practicalities of the time off required for a 15 year old pupil having an abortion (such fun.) Oh and for anyone wondering it's not the same pupil that showed of their 12 week scan last week - that's a different one  . 

But I have been on a 7 and a half mile run and put the awfulness of the world behind me. I am now feeling very relaxed and my legs are a tad achy. Hoping I still have time to manage my half marathon in April. If not I'll re-book one for May or something. 

Hope the working week is well with you all. Lots of love x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Eugh, rubbish day   I hope that today is better for you hunny    The subject of abortions is so hard, especially in such a young girl    I remember having many conversations with people over the years.  A new colleague in my current job went on and on about one she had many years ago and all the reasons why, the details etc etc until I literally burst into tears and told her my story.  She was mortified, but it stung none the less.

Also a girl I worked with in my previous role had two in the space of a year    I mean come on!!  The icing on the cake was when she asked our colleague to go with her for support, the colleague who had had a full term stillbirth a couple of years before and has been struggling to conceive ever since  

I know DFs step dads granddaughter (keep up  ) is having one, may have already had it actually, as she has gotten pregnant and her baby is only 8 months old now and she wants more of an age gap.  DFs mum is very upset and bother her children are desperate to be parents and for different reasons are struggling and this has hit her very hard.  I don't know the girl so am trying to push it away, and have not told DF, but still very sad, and conroversail.

Sorry, I seem to have blabbed on in your diary, but it all just flooded back on reading about your crappy day  

Ps.... your running is super impressive!  I once tried running and got up to 3 miles before I got shin splints    So sticking to inappropriate thrusting at zumba for the forseeable future    You will be fab in April, I am proud of you


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks beautiful, 

Cope better with things like that than I used to. Big part of me was very tempted to ring her and offer to adopt it from her at birth lol (obviously I know I can't but still goes through your mind.) You'll have to come and watch if I manage it in April. Going to try 9 miles on Friday but my calf is a bit sore today so will have to watch it. 

Taken my beautiful baby dog for his 6 month check - a month late opps. I will take children for appointments on time I promise. He is perfect weight and very healthy apparently . We raised about 5 paranoid issues all of which the vet nicely told us were nothing. I can already see the GP's hating us lol. Oh well we never bug them over our own health so LO's can take up some of the time neither of us have used for the last 30 years  . 

So sorry for things close to home it must be killing DF's Mum. People are so weird aren't they. What gets me is that then were told our situations are "meant to be" or that we should "just accept it".   Pardon meant to be everything happens for a reason what twaddle. The words of people who's life always turns out simple and exactly what they want when they want it.  

Very exciting times on here though lots of new people who should be going through prep with me which is good. Saw a group of 3 well cute sibs on be my parent might torture DH with them at the weekend  
Speak soon darling x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh forgot to say my perfectly house trained dog decided to cock his leg up against the counter and sent mark. So embarrassing   but guessing we're not the only ones.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Had a good day today no crazy teen pregnancy issues (makes a change.) Spent the day doing paper work for court. 

Anyway that's irrelevant got home today - while it was light with my new amazing work life balance. DH was home too which is a miracle so we took the dog out. Our nephew saw us and was shouting across the fields for us to watch him going down hills on the bike we bought him. Then he came and walked the dog with us. He was throwing sticks for the dog and running round with it. The dog adores him. 

DH and I just had this moment where we looked at each other and smiled and I knew we were thinking the same thing. I said does watching them make you excited to be a parent and he smiled and said yes. Then he gave me a huge hug. That is the first time we've ever felt hopeful that we will be a family at some point. Strange really through all the trying etc before we knew we never discussed being a family. It's like we knew that it was too far off to dream all that time. Hopefully now it isn't. x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww that brings a tear to my eye, how lovely and a brilliant taste of whats to come!!  You will be fantastic parents


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks darling so will you two. I am currently in my pajamas on the sofa absolutely exhausted. Run what I thought was 9 miles but from looking on AA route planner is more like 11. My legs are like jelly. Happy weekend ladies x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

DH and I have been looking at siblings on be my parent we just think they are all gorgeous and would love loads of them. Hurry up June / July so we can subscribe properly and note interest etc. Love Saturdays with no plans. Legs aren't too bad this morning which is a miracle thought I'd been in agony. 

On another note DH just hoovered the front room the amount of dog hair was vile. Luckily it doesn't show he is the same colour as our carpet


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## Frangipanii

Its very entertaining reading!!! U seem so lovely!!! Much love xxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Fran  

Sorry for a moan but today is not a good day in the world of me. Started by talking to DH about the need to gently and carefully redraw boundaries over the next 12 months in terms of others expectations of us and this became a row (his doing not mine I can honestly say.) As you know if you have read this we lost his father 12 months ago while in the middle of ICSI. Since then we have done an awful lot for DH's family MIL in particular. Realistically it's built for a while I guess but his Dad's death spiraled it a lot. I was talking to him about intro's and post placement and the fact that we need to prepare his Mum for not seeing us for 6 to 8 weeks. We are introducing my family first even thought they live much further away for various reasons. (M family are all doing reading and research to understand the process and needs of the kids. My parents have said they will drop anything any time and be at our beck and call for the first 6 to 12 months. They have communicated this to my 5 siblings too and told them if I and they call they will come to me.) 

DH then said well I can still go and see her on my way home from work etc she just won't see you. So I told him he couldn't because I wasn't happy with him being later home at what will be an incredibly stressful time. I know he feels responsible for her but his brother lives on the same road as her and there is realistically nothing that he can't sort for 6 - 8 weeks. 

It just triggered a lot of hurt for me I guess. This time last year my hormone levels got up to 19,000 and I was having breathing difficulties and morning the fact ICSI hadn't worked as well as FIL and Grandfathers deaths. How did I spend my time with MIL arranging funerals, filling in all forms and applying for probate, sending probate forms and arranging meetings for DH to go to and resolving other financial issues for MIL. (Yes days after failed ICSI.) In fact morning after we knew ICSI had failed MIL called at 6 am becuase DH's brother had got drunk and didn't know where he was (brother is nearly 40.) So DH had to go and drive round and find him. 

Not once during this time did I moan or even tell family how ill I was because I thought it was best to put others first. However I feel this has set a dangerous president. In reality there are and were other family members who could have done all the paper work and sorting given what an awful time me and DH were having. (Grandfather was my side so didn't affect his family as didn't our ICSI.) I fear with good reason given past experience that us just adopting unless very clearly and bluntly stated won't be seen as a reason not to bombard us with a million random things that want doing. 

I explained this to DH incredibly calmly and nicely (I surprised myself) and this is what lead to him loosing his temper. I told him that me and LO's need to come first and if I don't want him bobing places on his way home that is the way it would have to be. 

Am I being totally selfish? / ridiculous?

Anyway he backed down in the end and went to walk the dog and got the day back on a better keel. When I got home I had a text off a friend (the one if you read back that went to her 12 week scan and there was no baby.) Well needless to say the month after her DC she got pregnant again and has just had a little girl. I was really supportive to her after the scan / miscarriage (not sure what to call it.) Which given it happened the day ICSI failed as you can imagine took an awful lot. 

Here's the bit I'm not as proud of. She didn't tell me she was pregnant again till she was 19 weeks and she did it face to face in my house. This is the worst possible way to tell my something. Other people have told me early so I have a couple of months to adjust before everyone knows and the tell me by e-mail, text or anywhere I can leave at a point of my choosing (not my house.) This really hurt me after what I had put myself through emotionally to be there for her. I was really nice but said to her when she told me that she had done it in the most traumatic and difficult way for me. And if you googled telling infertile couples your pregnant there would be a lot of advice that would say don't do it late at their house. 

Anyway she lives over 2 hours away from me so since I have sent flowers for her 30th and Christmas cards but we haven't spoke or texted. She text today telling me and said she wanted me to know before her husband put something on ******** (which shows she has now obviously done a bit of thinking / googling.) 

I have been on internet and ordered an over priced gift etc. What do I do from here? She has been a friend for 10 years and up untill now we have been close. It's just hard because she started trying for a baby the day I told her we couldn't have children (out of fear they wouldn't be able to she has told me this.) Then she has handled the pregnancy very badly but I guess it's crunch time. Do I leave the land as it is and we ultimately loose touch or do I get in touch and go and see her? 

The difficulty is the distance. If she lived close by I could go for a brew stay half an hour and build up from there which is what I would have done a long time ago. However with the distance I have to plan in advance and be stuck for a set time frame. Advice please wonderful ladies x x x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Spent an afternoon in the greenhouse DH says we need to be self sufficient by the time LO's come then if SW question finances we can say not an issue for us we grow all our food  . Lol not in a million years but I enjoy my vege plot and due to work and treatment etc it has been neglected the last 2 summers so I am very happy to think I will be able to throw myself into it this year. Walk the mile to it with the dog and chill out. 

Feeling much more relaxed now. But still perplexed about what to do with my friend. Guess I feel guilty (I shouldn't) but I do. I dealt with all of DH's friends wives and girlfriends and lots of family members having a family. I guess I always thought I'd be first (by a lot of years) to become a Mummy out of my lot. 

I try and say to myself everyday that I am a Mummy as my LO or LO's will be alive somewhere they just haven't made it to me yet. Which makes me feel a lot happier. Don't know what I'd do without this place to splerg my thoughts. Sometimes just writing things down helps you let go of it emotionally doesn't it x


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## Frangipanii

nly just catching up with todays reading. Wow u really have been through the mill havent you!!! I can totally see your point with regard to your argument with dh. Unfortunately I can also see some of his. I do think he needs to put his family ie u and lo's first and extended family second. I think you have obviously been the one doing all of the hardwork and compromise and I do think he is being a bit selfcentered. Hubbys can be irritating beyond belief cant they!! 
As for your friend. Oh god u are going to dislike me. But i have to say bite the bullet with your friend and make up. I have lost a couple of best friends through falling out and i miss them very much to this day!!! Sometimes too much!! One day when u have your kids you will regret it. I know it is hard to not be hurt, or to. not tell them to bugger off but think long term. 
Sorry if I am rambking or indeed not giving the right advice but it has beelong day. Much love to u xx x x


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## KJB1978

I agree with other comments you have had a lot on in the last year and I think you need to look out for yourself for a while and DH has to start passing some of the responsibilities over!!

Has your SW advised you to have no contact with DH's family for 6-8 weeks?? Or is this something you want to do for yourself from reading/research?

We've just got LO home 2 weeks ago and the SW's wanted our support network that were close by who could help in an emergency not those a few hours away to meet him very quickly so that they could be there if we needed them.  Both sets of parents met him in introductions and have seen him twice since.

The only thing we have asked is that nobody soothe him if he is hurt/upset other than us or feed him and asked them not to swoop in and pick him up straight away.

I also think you should make an effort to build bridges with your friend.  Having been through the heart ache of 10 years of treatment I know how painful it is to be told someone is once again pregnant but I also know that telling me has made people physically sick with worry and I hated knowing I was making them so worried.  It didnt matter to me how or where I was told it still sucked and I bet she felt just as terrible for having to hurt you with her good news and nobody I knew, knew the right way to tell me either mainly because there wasnt a right way for me.  Its a horrible situation for everyone involved.

Big hugs x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies you are the voice of reason and say what I know I need to do deep down anyway. With DH's family mine are an hour away but any SW with half a brain will appreciate why we are making the choices we are. DH's Mum is not old but is (can't say this without sounding rude sorry I do love her) overweight which means her mobility is not good. In our view she isn't safe to be left with a young child because of this. We would never have left a biological child with her (we discussed this years ago when we started trying. For the same reasons we wouldn't feel comfortable leaving LO or   Lo's with her. DH's brother has 3 young children one of which is disabled and are at capacity. Any SW will also see this so that is why my parents who are very fit and active would be first choice. Also a complete aside issue irrationally I don't think for a long time I will be able to trust anyone but my Mum. I know that if I left LO's with anyone else I would be literally hyperventilating with fear. I know that is something I will need to work on in myself and I will. I'd get over it immediately if I thought that it wasn't in a future LO's best interest. 

Also it's about being realistic I know as does DH that in a crisis situation his Mum wouldn't necessarily come through. This makes her sound awful and she isn't ( I do genuinely love her) it's just the way she is she lives in a her bubble and isn't very good at considering the world out of it. When my sister in law was rushed to hospital having a miscarriage that they thought was an eptopic pregnancy (ie real threat to health and life.) She said on the phone to my sister in laws mother she was worried because she had plans that night and didn't know what time they would be home (she was minding their kids.) DH and I went after work so she could keep her plans. She isn't heartless she just doesn't think if someone sat her down and said to her do you think your dinner arrangements are that important she'd probably think and say no but you don't want to have to do that in the moment do you. 

With my friend I'll be honest I haven't seen my 3 long standing friends or spoken to them much for a long time. All of what I said is true but I think it also gave me an excuse to not have to be in contact with her. I have changed so much in the past 4 years and for me time with them has been really difficult. I'm not the person they went to Uni with anymore and being with them feels like a huge pressure to be what they expect and not what I am. That may sound really weird it's hard to explain. I have managed to work through this with my family by being honest but there is only so much you can do at once. Now my work life is less hectic I feel I have time to deal with it with friends but I don't know how. I never confide in people apart from DH, sister and Mum. It's not who I am I don't know how to do it without upsetting them or looking nuts x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh hunny, i'm sorry that you argued.  It is such an emotional time that sparks are bound to fly on occasion.  having a child is massive.  Adopting a child is really massive!  There are changes to make and sometimes that can be difficult and scary.  DH loves you so so much, he wouldn't have wanted to hurt you.  He will have just been concerned for his mum as like you say she will have come to expect that level of input.  But you are right, his family, eg, you and LOs come first.  I think once you have your babies he will naturally want to come straight home to you anyway.  I'm sure you are doing ok now, and they key thing is to keep talking.  You are doing so well on that front, and yes some of the talks will end in arguments, but then the underlying issues get resolved.  It is not always a bad thing.

As for the friend situation I agree it is so difficult to know what to do for the best.  I see what everyone is saying about maintaining the friendships, but reading your posts i'm not sure you agree.  if you have changed so much, then do what you do.  keep it civil and keep in touch by text or email but maybe don't go and see her just yet.  Maybe in the future you will want to with your LOs.  or maybe you will have new mummy friends.  Sometimes if the friendship is worth it it will get put right naturally over time.  Sometimes it won't and maybe if that is the case then it wasn't meant to be.  Only you know how you feel, but my goodness we wouldn't think any less of you if you decided to put the stoppers on this one for now.  Easier said than done but you are number 1, you and hubby and having a family.  Don't upset yourself if you don't have to.  this is difficult enough xxxxxxx


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## gettina

Hi gwyneth
Thanks for sharing with your diary. i'm so pleased you have made so much progress and of course good luck with everything to come.  

Oh the friends dilemmas are horrible. I agree with lolly though - i have a couple of friends where I have totally kept the door open to getting close again, like you are I think -  birthday cards for all the family and ******** messages a few times a year but haven't made the effort to see them for years. If near it might be different - in either direction! - but we have all been through such a hard time we just don't need to put ourselves through more self inflicted angst-inducing or duty bound things. It sounds like you are drifting apart anyway and unless that fills you with horror, maybe just let it happen. We need to shamelessly be nice and kind to ourselves. 

But i do wonder if you might be being harsh on your dh? His mum certainly won't be part of your support network, and that's being polite isn't it! But she's his mum and he might value that familiar face once or twice in the first few weeks of parenthood - she's probably part of his own individual support network if you like, and a half an hour visit by him once every few weeks might be tolerated? I totally agree with preparing yourselves and others that you will need to focus on yourselves though. Anyway, hope helpful or at least that don't mid my two pennorth!
All the best,
Gettina x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you all wonderful ladies all your posts are helpful I love different perspectives on things. 

Well my second most hated (after Xmas day) Day of the year is nearly upon us. I send loads of hugs to all  the Mum's out there like me who don't have their children yet. If like me you became a Mum in every sense (apart from actually having a child to call you Mum) many years ago but don't yet have an LO to make you a card that drops glitter on your carpet for weeks then  . 

For me I remember last Mothers day and feel thankful that really I am in a much better place. Last Mothers day I was on my 2ww, my father in law and grandfather had just died, my sister had just left the country and I felt the world was caving in on me. My MIL and Grandma both ended up crying at church. They sang a song from FIL funeral so MIL started crying and this set G'Ma off. I felt awful / had breathing difficulties. Generally a great family day out  . 

This year no-one is recently deceased I am in good health and counting down the weeks in my diary still I start prep  . So I have a lot to be grateful for. Plus I actually have the most beautiful dog in the world who is currently asleep at my feet and makes the world a much better place. 

It does however make me think about my LO's. I pray that where ever they are they are doing ok and that they are being kept safe. It is a weird thing that I struggle with, to know a child has to be horrifically mistreated to make its way to me. I can't wish this for any child so how can I wish for them to be mine? I just want to grab them now and protect them from whatever it is that leads them to me. Is that totally crazy? I feel in some weird way I will have let my LO's down because I won't have always kept them safe. I know I can't and that isn't my fault but it is how I feel sometimes. (I know I'm a nutter  ). 

With regards to friend she called me after receiving over priced gift to say thank you. She said how much she missed me but that she understood why I wanted time out and respects that. I've said I'll go and see her over the Easter period. I'm going to drive there and back in a day. She is really happy and said she loves me however much I've changed and just wants to see me again. I am nervous and looking forward to seeing her and her bubba. However I am also realistic, friends are going to have to fit round my families needs once we adopt and a lot of them are likely to struggle with this so I will see what the future holds. Not just for this friend but all of them. I guess this process has made me realise how much of friendship is doing the same thing at the same time. This is something I never would have thought but it is. I want friends that are adopting not because it is hard to be round birth parents. We learnt to deal with that a long time ago but because I want to talk to people who understand and are excited about what I am doing. 

I think the main thing that worries me is I basically find new parents really annoying and honestly not because they have a child but because they are soooooooo patronizing. I feel like getting a t-shirt made We're not stupid we're just infertile  . 

Do you know what I mean it really upsets me when I'm constantly told that I can't possibly understand x and y till I'm a mother. I have been involved in bringing up children my whole life. I used to change nappies at 6, could do bedtime routine by 10 and would look after 3 children over a weekend from 16.  .Why would I suddenly not be able to look after a child or establish a routine now. Also we have had years to prepare for this so we are in a much more educated position than most people who start a family. You had 9 months we've had 4 years and counting.  

Maybe I'll eat my words and maybe I will be a parent that struggles I don't know. I guess that is the one thing that really hurts me still. Everything else I have moved on from. 

Since I decided to adopt my sister has been amazing. She researches and sends things to my other siblings and gives me strength if I think I may run out. Anyway in the last 3 months she has found out 2 twins in her sons swimming class are adopted and made even closer friends with their Mum. She has found out a work colleague has been approved and is waiting for a match. She has found out her husbands friends have just become adoption Auntie and Uncle because the girls sister has adopted. 

This has really got me thinking. The difference is clearly not where my sister is going (she isn't stalking SW's   and knocking on doors after them). It must be that her level of knowledge and acceptance now means she picks up on things and asks the right questions so all these people feel comfortable opening up to her. She hasn't told any of them about me because she won't mention anything to anyone unless I ask her too. It's just made me realise adoption is all around all of us. It is just a case of whether you notice it or not. 

I am so glad that people obviously feel so able to talk to my sister now. It shows me that she is going to be an amazing Auntie.  Love to you all x x x x x


----------



## Sq9

xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well to be honest Mothers day was pretty painless this year.  
Spent the weekend with my Mum and had Saturday night just her, me and DH because Dad and brothers were away which was lovely. All went for lunch and got some new running shoes on Sunday. Half marathon is getting very close  

My sister (who is abroad) sent me a beautiful card with a teddy bear on the front holding a hear saying I love you. Just to let me know she is thinking of me   which was really lovely. My Mum has just read related by adoption as has Dad, sister and one of my brothers so they are all starting to feel more comfortable asking questions which is nice. Mum said Happy Mothers Day to me because mine and DH's children will be born now and waiting for us which was really sweet and made me a bit teary (in a good way.) 

Spoke to my sister who had been talking to her friend who has adopted twins. She said her friend was telling her how her boys are the youngest in a family of 9 and once every 2 months all the siblings and the birth parents meet up. What I thought was really interesting is that she told my sister she can deal with everything fine in herself but what she finds really hard to cope with is other people's reactions and views to their version of family. I can really imagine what she means. Having other people make judgments and pass comments on what they see as the rights or wrongs of your version of family when you have fought so hard for it must be the hardest thing. Why on this earth do they think they have the right  . 

I guess for me I see it that she / you / I love your children so much that you put what is right for them before anything else. People who have their families easily I guess don't face this reality and find it hard to comprehend. It makes me smile that people think the hard thing is to come to terms with is loving a child that is biologically yours. For me that is the easy part. The hard part is that they are not exclusively yours. They will always have another family that they can choose to be part of. You always have to be the bigger person and be gracious towards their birth family regardless of how they treat you because this is what is best for your child. You have to talk openly about the most painful part of your life forever more. However I really feel at ease with all of this and just hope I do a good job of it. 

For me my worry now about the birth family rejecting them when they trace. The thought of someone rejecting my babies and hurting the breaks my heart  . I guess when the time comes all I can do is be there and support them however it goes. I feel ready to do that when the time comes. 

I hope that the world is right with everyone lots of love x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Today I am thinking about why so many people think everything happens for a reason / is meant to be. I'd love them to explain to me what is meant to be about the family I dealt with first thing today. 

A child who's parents are alcoholics and  disappeared in the summer. Since the child has been living with his G'ma who is now terminally ill so SW is trying to move him to his Aunties. My heart really went out to him. I could cite a million examples of this and they often wash over me (they have to or I'd become non functioning and very poor at my job) however today I felt really hurt for him. Hurt that so many people are able to live a life so free of hurt they believe everything happens for a reason while the child has their world pulled apart for the second time in a few months. Bless despite it they are genuinely a really lovely child who is adored by all staff in school. 

Anyway now I am at home counting my blessings and cuddling my doggy baby. Hope the world is good with you all . On a positive note 13 weeks yesterday I will have completed my first day of prep.   Time can't pass quick enough don't need Easter, Wedding Conversant or DH's birthday. How does everyone feel about jumping straight to June?   Would suit us very well. However probably can't happen for a reason. I'm am sure I will look back on this wait and think how it made me a better person    (yeah right waffle.) 

Looking forward to Easter hols I am going to finish the last bit of painting in my house - downstairs toilet and utility. Then the whole house will have been freshly painted. Also going to sort and bin - so therapeutic I love to  get rid of stuff. We lived in a tiny house with no storage and then having a house with lots of space we have stored an alarming amount of stuff in the 7 months we have been here. Particularly one cupboard in a bedroom that we will use for LO. They will need the cupboard space for all the things I will buy them   .


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahhh that is just too sad   I don't understand this world sometimes, honestly I don't    The everything happens for a reason line can be true, but often I feel is rubbish and is thrown about to help people deal with sad situations.  Poor lad  

I would jump to June with you to be fair, but alas it is not to be!!  Instead we shall indulge in Easter chocolates, hopefully find some sunshine behind the rain clouds, paint until our hearts are content and ogle kiddie items on the internet    

Really looking forward to catching up lovely xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Me to I think I'm hyper sensitive about any parent less child at the minute.  Its being on the adoption road I just feel the need to take in every child. I just looked at him crying and thought me and DH could bring you up. We'd love you and look after you. Totally irrational I know. Need to toughen up and get back to normal hard faced self. See you later x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I have been a fool  . 
I love looking at be my parent (classified ads for kids as my DH calls it.) I can't register yet because we aren't officially allocated an SW yet and won't be till July. Anyway I just like to look at show the public profiles to DH going ah look aren't they lovely and he says yes princess. 

This weekend there is a sibling group on there that I can't get out of my head. I look often and haven't been like this before. There is just something about their photo that just reminded me of me and my older brother and sister when we were little. They don't look really like us or anything so I can't really explain. The little one is in the middle like I am on all our photos on Mum's wall, other girl on the left, boy on the right. Little one with a proper gormless expression like I always used to have. Anyway all irrelevant I digress. 

The question is has anyone else latched onto a random photo like this. How do you stop yourself thinking about it? Need to return to normal and will stop myself looking obviously isn't doing me any good. lol. 

Hope the world is well with you all and you have had good weekends. Had a positive experience this weekend. Some friends came over with their 3 week old baby and two toddlers. After they left I talked to DH and said - newborns are really dull aren't they toddlers are so much more fun. I can honestly say that for the first time I didn't feel we were missing something. I don't want a newborn I have moved on from that. In that way I think I am lucky I have always adored kids and desperately wanted to be a Mum but I've never been gaga for new borns. Waddly toddly definitely is my thing. 

I am also starting to get pregnancy phobia is this also normal?
It is crazy irrational 4 years + etc clear infertility diagnosis yet I found myself thinking oh my God what if we had our miracle month. All I think is they wouldn't let me adopt for like 5 years and it stresses me out. I guess I want the fast forward option adoption offers I want two or three waddly toddlies I don't want one boring newborn anymore (no offence to anyone's newborns out there). Not sure what point I'm trying to make guess I just want someone to tell me that's not crazy.


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## Sq9

I can totally relate to the pregnancy phobia thing - never thought I would say it but I would be devastated if I got pregnant now because we are so geared up for adoption.  I just think of the delays it would cause if it happened now, and for a number of reasons, the chances of it being successful are so low I wouldn't see it as being positive.  It probably sounds completely bizarre particularly as we are hoping (if we get approved!!!) for as young as possible  
Take care xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I getcha! I've never wanted to be preggers, we've never done IVF, we stopped using contraception but we never went all out to have kids, we just didn't try not to.... When it never happened we moved direct to adoption.  I'm now 40 (almost 41) and I would be terrified if I got pregnant now, in fact I am considering going on the pill (despite my reservations re hormones, age, clots etc) to ensure it doesn't happen as a fluke.

I've even wondered about adopting a teen, just because I like kids when they are older, but I realise that to have a child that is truly ours we have to put in the ground work, build the basis of a great relationship. Does that make sense?  I've often joked about our nephew, saying that his mom and dad (who do love him but in my mind, as they are separated and have other children in new relationships so he kind of gets left out) should just have let us have him.  He's now 17 and I've known him since he was 8 (when OH and I got together) and we adore him, he fits in with us and the dogs like he's here all the time. I'm not sure I explain very well, it's obviously more complicated than that...


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad to know I'm not a total nut case thank you ladies.   Glad to be home today ended up traveling all over today.   Oh well no work to bring home so can't complain x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi hun

Hope all is going ok with you, and you feel better for not being  !!!  Once we have gotten into this mindset and know what we want finally after years of heartache and mindgames it is hard to imagine anything else isn't it.  I am  that hopefully one day I will look back and think thank goodness IVF didn't work because if it had I would have my LO here with me now.

It is snowing here again, have you had any your way yet?  You are welcome to pop round and build snowmen in the garden with me if you would like!!  

I can't believe your half marathon is so close now, how are you feeling about it?  Excited?  Nervous?  I'm super sorry but we are at a wedding the day before and are staying over so won't be able to make it, but will be cheering you on in spirit!  Good on you, you should be so proud of yourself for doing this  

Right, best get some work done, just wanted to check in a nd send my love.  have a good day lovely xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Mostly nervous at the minute don't want to make an idiot of myself. Enjoy the wedding, I'm terrible I always think to myself 50% of marriages end in divorce - wonder if this is one of them. I don't know why it just jumps in my brain.  . 

Still no snow by me but lots at work. I'm all good on the snow front though novelty has gone. Let us know when you're free for a catch up soon. Any news on the far away reference?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well Easter weekend is done and prep is about 10 weeks away. In that time I have to find a new job because my contract will end and try to get DH to do some reading to prepare. 

It's been a bit crazy. DH has his own business and someone he works really closely with has had a stroke and been told to take things very easy /  cut all stress. He has asked DH to take over his company and DH has said yes. They win most of the work DH does together but the other company is the name that they need to do it (it's complicated you have to be on this approved list which is impossible to get on.) So DH has said yes. 2 years ago or 2 years from now I would see this as an exciting opportunity but right here right now all I want is to maintain the status quo. Any change just seems bad I just want to present a really stable front - not changes that involve high risks. DH says it could be a really good thing and increase income but I am worried about the extra hours, increased number of employees / responsibilities, increased financial out goings and pressures. DH works all the hours in the day already  . 

I know I probably sound like an ungrateful brat because we are being given a great opportunity I just don't want the stress right now. 

Well life is sent to try us hey?! Always the way in my life it never rains it pours be it good or bad hopefully after 5 years of bad pouring maybe this is our time for some good pouring   Just doesn't seem very likely given our past record. 

On another note we had a nice Easter I cooked for 9 my parents were up with two of my brothers and a few others so was good. DH was really helpful clearing up etc which is really good he used to be oblivious to all the work  . 

Hoping after this we are counting down our last of each event as a family of 2 / 3 - me, DH and dog. Some point in 2014 we will become a family of more   . Love to you and yours hope you survived the hols relatively stress free x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm back had to walk the dog. 

The other thing that was really interesting I caught up with an old family friend who has 4 children all of which are grown up now. It was really interesting to hear her talking about parenting she is in my view the person who has done the best job of parenting of everyone I know. She had 4 children under 4 - two singles and twins. Her second child had some additional needs growing up which lead to really challenging behavior. These things were fairly "new" then and knowledge was very limited. 

She said she used to climb in bed and hug her second child when it was asleep because this was the only time she really felt like she loved it. She said that she used to feel really guilty because she'd think things like family life would be better / happier if she just had the three. None of this was recognizable from how she parented. She says as they got older and she got used to managing him it got easier it improved. 

I found it really comforting to know that because I would make myself feel awful for feeling that way it will really reassure me to know that all parents have felt negative at times. I do strongly believe that you should never show these feelings to your LO's and world around you that is definitely what FF is for. x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Feeling a bit down this evening. 

One of my nephews had surgery today so I looked after his two big brothers while he was in this afternoon. We were watching Toy Story 2 and in part of it Mrs Potato head says to Mr Potato head lets adopt them (about these alien teddies.) 

Anyway obviously due to time scales we haven't said anything to nephews yet. One of them said is adoption X the older one 9 years old said no. Out of curiosity I said what is adoption?  My nine year old nephew said...
"It's when your parents don't want you so you're given to other people but they aren't your real Mum and Dad they'll never be your real Mum and Dad. They're just people that look after you." 
I asked him what a real Mum and Dad was he said - "They make you and grow you that's a real Mum and Dad."

It just upset me so much he is 9 and has never had any known contact with adoption or adopted children however society has given him this view. It is not his fault he is 9 and doesn't really form his own views yet this is clearly a view he has been given by someone / people / TV / society. It breaks my heart that the majority of people are clearly so prejudice that children are given these views by proxy.  

Not sure where to go in terms of preparing him and his brothers as clearly a lot of work in needed to be done x x


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## crazyspaniel

Ah, am sure your nephews will be fine xx I blame Tracey Beaker  
Our BC is 8 and we haven't told him about our link yet, I know we may have a difficult time with jealousy but am confident that everything will be OK x
Have just dropping things into conversation about what a great big brother he's going to be


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey hunny  

Wow, a fair few things going on for you guys at the moment  

Congratulations on DHs new opportunity.  I'm sure it will pan out just fine and be good in the long run, but I do understand your worry.  I almost had an aneurysm when DF declared he may go self employed soon!!  But it is happening now and you won't be parents until next year so there is time.  Life will settle into a new routine and as long as you can evidence why this is a good thing, and there are many reasons, SWs will be just fine.  Life is never plain sailing, and while we all crave stability it generally doesn't work that way.  I guess it is how you embrace the changes and really how you sell them positively.

As for your nephews, well having spoken to SIL our niece also has quite a stereotypical view on adoption.  She said that a lot of the programmes (especially American ones where they glorify everything) talk about adoption, and often you get the dream when they find their 'real mum and dad' and live happily ever after     I suppose it is in line with all the evil stepmother programmes, but still hard.  I am not too worries about our niece as she is very adaptable and if we tell her it in our terms she will be accepting.  For this reason we haven't mentioned anything yet, I didn't want her getting excited a year too early!!  I am sure they will be fine and great SIL will support.  Like many have said on the other thread you created, there are good books around, maybe time to start drip feeding a little if you are worried?  Speak to SIL is see what she thinks.

I hope you have woken up refreshed and feeling ok again.  This is such a hard process and things will knock you, but we are all here, we understand and many can show you how they coped and that there is an amazing life waiting at the other end


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks hun. 

Guess it just annoys me that such negative messages are given to children so young. Today I am having a lazy day with my doggy. 

DH told me he was listening to this thing on the radio and they were saying the reason women are more effected than men by stress related illness is because we can multi task. Apparently this expert Doctor said the majority of Men can only focus on the task they are doing so they aren't worrying and thinking of other things while doing it. This applies to a relaxation activity as well as a work activity so when men chill out and watch TV or something they focus totally on that where as women are still thinking about what worries them. Really interesting asked DH and he said this is true for him. It made me realize why we look at things so different. I worry about adoption, future etc literally one minute in two. He worries about it for about an hour a week when we discuss it. No wonder he thinks I'm a nutter   

Also really made me wish I could unlearn how to multi task what a good way to be. xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I have decided that parenting with modern technology etc is a nighmare. My brother has just noticed that my 15 year old cousin who lives abroad has changed her cover photo on ** to one of her in a bikini and her DOB makes her 23. Which to be fair she looks in most of her photos. 

It's just worried me, ** is so dangerous and teenagers although in some ways really savvy are also very trusting and naive. I've messaged her and said I'm sorry to be nosy and boring but I've noticed it and I'm worried due to high level of weirdos out there. Me and my older siblings are torn. Me and one other think we should let her parents know but the other two think it's none of our business and probably innocent. I'm not jumping to any negative conclusions about why she has changed her DOB (it could be historic because she joined years ago and there is a lower age limit) but I just think someone needs to discuss potential risks with her. After all you don't have to have your date of birth (true or otherwise) showing, I don't. 

However I know what she will think she's old enough to look after herself, I'm boring and old and don't understand modern teenage life etc. When did I become the adult in this situation and not the teen thinking you know best? I never thought I'd be like this when I was younger.  

The world changes us I guess. All that goes through my head now is that I wouldn't want my little girl to do it (if I had / have one) so want to protect other peoples.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well I've been a busy bunny. Yesterday I ran a half marathon in 2 hours and 22 minutes. If you knew how bad I am naturally at running you'd know what a massive achievement that is for me. I was always last in ever race at school  . 

I decided in October of last year that ICSI had abused my body so horrendously that I was going to do something to work with my body and feel positive about my body and also challenge myself. I've always been rubbish at running but did race for life last year with my Mum after loosing FIL and G'father to cancer and decided a half marathon would be a good challenge. 

Also thought book my medical as ASAP after   and show off to Doctor my levels of fitness  . 

I am really proud I didn't sleep very well for 2 nights leading up to it because I was so nervous but it all went fine. I ran the whole way which was my only goal so I did what I challenged myself to do  . 

It was in Blackpool. I've always wanted to go to Blackpool lights - my Dad wouldn't take us when we were kids he said it was tacky and horrid lol. Anyway the first year me and DH were dating he said he's take me but they had finished before we got round to it. Then he has said he'll take me loads and it's never happened. When we were driving through I said you've still never taken me to the lights you know. He said I'll take you next year. I said don't you mean this year? He said no next year because I'll take you and Lo's that will be loads better than going on our own this year.   . What an exciting thought. Although the lights will probably be the biggest let down ever nothing can meet near 30 years of expectation  .  

Hope you all enjoyed your weekends lots of love


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## Sq9

Congratulations   .  Speaking as someone who hates running and did a half marathon a couple of years ago (didn't manage to run it all!!), I know what a massive sense of achievement that is.  The sky is the limit for you now! Bring on the lights next year with your lo's. Total goosebumps moment! Take care and hope you are getting some well deserved pampering to recover


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you feeling very proud. Had a relaxing afternoon after food shopping this morning and other errands for mother in law (she can't drive she is recovering from a minor op). Also spoke to my sister on Skype which was lovely we've not caught up in a while. 

Also hopefully Mum is coming on Wednesday to help me paint the utility and down stairs toilet. That will = the whole house is painted  . Spare rooms are cream ready to have Lo appropriate colour slapped on   x x x


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## Frangipanii

Well done you!!! My DH was there and did same race!!! He loved it, its his fourth one and he really likes them. Hes trying to get me back into running but my body is appalling. Well done, u should be ever so proud!!!! xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I've said it before and i'll say it again.....    You did it    Soooo, London marathon next I assume...


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ha ha   Don't think so there were people doing a full marathon while I did mu half I thought imagine if this was half way when I was about to finish  . 

Don't think I've got it in me / time it takes a long time on an evening to run those distances so you are ready. I'm a busy bee ........... however if I'm unemployed in 6 weeks it may become more tempting lol x x


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## Frangipanii

Yeah my Dh said same...hes sticking to half marathons x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

He's done amazing doing four  . Not sure if I'd face another one we'll have to see. I do like having something to work towards. Got 10 K in July so will see what I feel after that. We should be head long in HS by then so hoping that will be a focus for me. When we   have a panel date I might book something else give me something to train for and throw myself into try and make the hideous wait more bearable.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

My Mum was too ill to come and help me today she has flu :

So I decided to paint the utility by myself. Other and nearly passing out - the room has no windows and had to keep the door shut for the dogs protection. I think that the man in the paint shop may have sold me gloss instead of emulsion ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Being an idiot I did not know this - I did not ask for gloss, it's one of those stores that mixes it for you instead of you picking a tin he just decided to mix it. Have phoned DH because I started trying to wash up and it wouldn't budge like paint does. He said it can't be gloss you'd know when you were painting - erm apparently not I'm that stupid. 

Now waiting for DH to get home from work while recovering from fumes and contemplating if I'll have to replace the utility sink. So much for being a competent adult. Gutted. 

Lolly I promise I will not make this kind of mess when we paint your house I know not to buy gloss unfortunately others don't know not to mix it for me.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi hun  

 what a total nightmare    stay away from my walls    course I am joking lovely, more help the merrier. When we get round to it... 

What a shame about your mum. I bet you were looking forward to spending time with her too. I hope she gets better soon, flu is horrible  

So what's going to happen with the walls, sink etc now? XxX


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well DH came home and said that it is Eggshell paint not gloss. It is somewhere between emulsion and gloss - we had to go to B and Q (other hardware stores are available) and get this stuff that dissolves oil based paints so the sink is now fine.   Luckily the walls are ok because it isn't actually gloss so not as bad as I thought. 

However it does smell as bad as gloss so the back door has been left open all day which has freaked the dog out. (Starting to think my dog maybe autistic  ) I'm just joking he loves routine that's all. 

Our pack came from adoption UK today so DH is reading CWW and throwing random children's profiles at me   was really big. Has anyone been on any of their training courses? Are they any good? 

Today we went for a meeting at the bank about getting life insurance for the mortgage. We figured these things are important to have in place before being parents. He asked about income protection. DH has it through his business so he asked about me. DH said no she won't be working for much longer so there's no point.    Very exciting to think that is hopefully true. We've been planning on me stopping work for years and now it is finally actually potentially on the horizon. It makes me feel very old though. 

When you picture being an adult having a conversation with a stranger about your potential death with a stranger is not one of the things you picture.   Feel like life involves a lot of very old decisions at the minute. He went through our out goings - we are soooooooooooooooo boring it is actually slightly embarrassing to discuss with a stranger  . Oh well never mind we enjoy our boring life.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

It's good to be boring hehe we're just the same. 

Glad the sink is fine and the walls are ok. 

Hope your doing ok honey prep will soon be here  xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad its not just us. Called and spoke to the SW who did our initial visit today. Just wanted to touch base really.  She  said we are definitely on the list for June.  Invites go out a few weeks before.  However I know the venue and that first day is June 12th. Eeeek can't wait very exciting.  It's 9 weeks away by my reckoning.  What's 9 weeks when you've been waiting for over 4 years. Best be quick weeks though lol x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well it's all about the moving forward at the minute in all aspects of life. My closest girlfriends I haven't really seen since summer of last year. This has been a concious decision for my own interest. I have felt very hurt and let down by people during the last 4 years and their general approach to things. I made the decision that my friends were doing more harm than help for me where I was at that point and I needed time out. It was to a large degree my fault, I hate upsetting people so let a lot of comments slide etc for the sake of the peace which with hindsight I should have just picked people up on and made them stop and think a long time ago. Anyway everything is what it is. 

Back to now - So I had time out I just needed to not have to deal with them really and focus on myself. I realised that none of them were able to support me in building myself back up and I was best of doing it alone. Now I have got myself straight and I am in a  place where I feel strong enough to deal with them and cope with the comments they make / opinions they give. I have been for a while to be honest but I was quite happy plodding along in the world I'd created. However I decided that it is starting to get to crunch time and really if I don't get in contact soon it's going to be too long and get awkward. 

So I went for lunch with one of them yesterday (these girls don't really connect to each other so I wouldn't see them as a group). It was good to catch up and chat about work etc. Felt like a positve step forward. Also made me realise that the short term cut out was definately the right thing to have done. So all positive no weirdness back on a normal keel with that one. Three more to go


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## Wyxie

Gwyneth, boring is good, less to miss when you have kids!  Plus, you will need to go through finances with Social Services of course as part of the assessment so it's good to know you've got a grip on it!

I totally understand what you mean about being able to cope with friends who you've struggled with while having fertility treatment.  We tried for a long time to conceive, had lots of fertility treatment and several miscarriages, and it's very isolating in particular from female friends.  People give you mindless optimism with no basis in fact and meaningless platitudes which infuriated me.  I only really kept in touch with a couple of very close friends during that time.  The adoption assessment process made me feel like I was doing something positive again, even though a lot of the things were jumping through hoops, at least it was something that was in my control.  We threw ourselves into it and did everything Social Services asked of us with at least a pretense of willingness and it got us lots of brownie points with them, and really made me feel like I was doing something at last.  It feels like you have a little bit of control back again.  I also found I was much more able to enjoy doing things with my husband again that we hadn't done for a long time, without it just being sad because we didn't have our family.  We did lots of things we used to do as students, drank occasionally, went to see gigs, had a holiday, and I was able to enjoy that again without just wishing that it wasn't just us any more and wondering when we'd finally have a family.  I was really glad we'd made the most of that time when we did have our Wyxling placed, we needed it really after all the stress and heartache of the previous years, to give us a bit of a break.

The waiting after approval is definitely the hardest time.  Fortunately for you, and very unfortunately for a lot of children, there is a massive shortage of adopters at the moment, so most people do not seem to be waiting very long at all even those looking for previously easy to place children.  All our prep group was matched within six months and all but one of us were looking for babies/toddlers.  That seems reasonably common at the moment for adopters in their early 40s or younger with no complications (as far as Social Services are concerned).

Might be worth thinking about whether there is anything Social Services might ask of you ahead of June, i.e. suitable child experience for both of you (they may want more than just looking after younger relatives, our LA did and we had to do some volunteer work) and getting finances in order etc.  It's worth asking them now whether there's anything they think you should be doing, even if it's just reading on attachment issues and parenting adopted children.  It'll probably stand you in good stead with them when they do the assessment as well, and tbh, it's good to do a bit of reading in advance about the possible issues, it helps prepare you!    

Good luck!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks hun I volunteered with the guide association for 10 years up untill Father in law was dying last year and couldn't make the commitment anymore. Then decided it was definately someone elses turn. Have done various other volunteer things with disabled children etc. Plus have spent my whole career in children't services with vulnerable children so have professional experience of adoption, foster care, placement breakdowns etc and being left in chare of caring for children on a daily basis. I am one of 6 so me and DH have regularly looked after my teenage siblings etc together too. As well as friends children. Asked SW and Head of agency if they wanted us to do more etc based on what people on this forum had been told and they said no. So touch wood it should be okay  . Have read a number of books and will ask at prep if there's any more they want us to read. So hoping we've got that side of things covered really   It's a strange journey with friends this one isn't it x x


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## Wyxie

Sounds like you will be as prepared as you can be.  I also worked with families going through the care process before adopting and it does help. I would imagine with rhat sort of background social workers are going to be very keen to place with you.  Hope the next few weeks go by fast!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you, we're hoping it flies by. Where are you up to?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well we are now registered fully with a doctor by our new house. We really liked the one where we used to live so decided to stay however we need them to have the right address for medicals so have moved (the other one doesn't cover where we are now.) 

We had our new patient check ups on Thursday and we are both healthy. I decided to ask about the cost / set up for adoption medicals while we were there. We don't need the Doctor often / ever really so that will probably be the only other reason we go this year. £120 each I nearly died - luckily due to good blood pressure we didn't. I've always been told something around the £70 or £80 is normal. Has made me a bit cross really agency told us the Doctor doesn't have to charge they just do because they can. We take that on the chin but so much just feels a bit exploitative. 

Anyway otherwise positive times in my world. DH has got the gate I've asked him to fit to the side of the house since we moved in. This will mean we can stop the dog toileting in the garden and have him go down the side of the house instead. All good for future Lo's     . My current job will finish next month and all schools I work for are being lovely and saying how much they'll miss me / what a good job I've done / they will look out for internal posts so I can stay. It's nice to feel appreciated in work for once.   Just waiting for something to go wrong  . 

My Mum is coming tomorrow and we are painting the final room and then my whole house will be decorated. x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Our LA said they pay for the medicals and checks. They were adamant that there was no cost to us, as adopters save the LA far more money in the end.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Ours paid for our medicals too the process hasn't cost us a penny. Well apart from buying baby stuff which I'm loving  haha xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It's our only cost. We're not bothered about paying I just think our Doctor is taking advantage of people.  It just seems excessive.  Hope you're all enjoying the weekend ladies x


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## crazyspaniel

You're not alone Gwyneth, we paid £100 each for medicals! Xx


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## Billybeans

Hi Gwyneth,

Just thought I would pop by to see where you were up to, 8 weeks or so now til home study?? Exciting times! Hope all goes well.


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## Wyxie

We had to pay for our medicals too.  Ours were very cheap, £77 each, which is the minimum charge.  I think this was because our GP had adopted and was very sympathetic.  Around £100-£120 seemed normal for our area.  To be fair, the GP has to go through the entire of your life's medical notes to give a summary of any significant events they're asking about, and meet with you for around 20 mins to complete the current health check, and write it up.  I expected that to cost more than the £77 each it cost us although I understand it's annoying when you're adopting and think really, the LA should pay.  One GP's surgery wanted to charge our friends £250 pp for their medicals.  They moved surgery which was worth it as they saved nearly £300!

Our GP has now changed and they're charging us £60 pp to do the update, which is a short 2 page questionnaire about anything we've seen them about in the last 11 months since placement of Wyxling, and no personal meeting required, which does seem a bit out given the relative amount of work compared to the first one.  If it takes him as long as 5 minutes I will be surprised.

Glad to hear things are moving forwards.  xx


----------



## Dreams do come true

Hi Gwyneth,

Been chuckling at some of your posts, love your diary 

Not long until prep, I remember being at that stage...the most exciting time ever, for me it completely confirmed that adoption was for us! 

With regards to medicals... Awful that your doc has taking the pee with the cost! Ours was really good...asked if we had to pay ourselves...we said yes and so he only charged £50 each! 

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you for all responses beautiful ladies. I don't know if knowing others are being exploited too makes me feel better or worse about it   but hearing everyone's experiences is defiantly good. 

Billybeans have you had a name change? Is that why I have been unable to find you. Been thinking of you lots and looking out for posts to see how you are and where you are up to. Home immune s are giving you what your DH needs to move forward be this with a new treatment option or helping him get his head into the adoption zone. It is very hard my DH needed a lot more time and space to get here than I did and I know how hard that wait is.   You really are such a lovely wonderful person and I pray for movement and a happy ending for you soon. 

DDCT - I am glad that I've made you chuckle. I always think in this life you can laugh or cry and wherever possible I laugh. The last years have sent many times when this hasn't been an option but I am finding more to laugh at now. Also soooooo excited for your intros. 

Well my whole house is painted !!!!!!!!!!!! Mum came yesterday and we sorted that last room. Shame all the ceilings have vile artex on them but we can't afford to rectify that now. 

At Xmas I asked my Mum to tell wider family that me an DH couldn't have children and that we didn't want to talk about it but we needed people not to ask us when we're going to have them like every 5 mins. Don't know why people think this is an acceptable question. Next time I get asked I may say not sure when are you next planning on having sex?  

Mum told them she didn't know details just that I was very upset and it had been very difficult and we'd had failed treatment that had made me very ill. (Obviously Mum knows all but it isn't helpful to give people too much information I have learnt.) Mum told me that my Auntie rang her a few weeks after and told her my two cousins have asked her to tell Mum that either of them would be willing to act as a surrogate for me if it would help. I a bit teary thinking about it now - we are male factor so it obviously wouldn't help. They both have 2 children and know what they are offering in terms of a commitment it has been mentioned to my Mum more than once to show they are serious. So many things about this journey have destroyed my belief in the inherent goodness of people it has left me forced into the view that everyone is basically totally selfish and just spends life trying to hide that fact. Hearing something like that restores some of my faith and makes me believe there are caring people in the world. 

Got some beautiful flowers off my sister this weekend too. Her second baby is due in a fortnight and she knew our ICSI if it had worked would have meant me being due a couple of weeks before her. She sent a lovely note saying moving on and forward is wonderful but isn't the same as forgetting and she is thinking of us. 

I had actually not forgotten but just hadn't really thought about it. However I do believe that it is good to take stock and think these things through and how you feel etc now and again. Conclusion I feel ok. 

Prep is now only 7 and a half weeks away!!!!!!!! EKKKKKKKKKKKKK still need to find a job though  . 

Had good adoption chat with Mum while painting yesterday. She was asking questions she had from the books she has been reading and chatting about HS etc. She asked about what we were going to go to get approved for. I told her we were open minded to a degree and would seek SW advice however we would be upset if they weren't happy to approve us for at least 2. Mum said well you and DH know you can easily cope with 3 because you've always had the nephews and I've never seen people who made 3 under 4's look so easy.   Bless from a Mum of 6 that's a big compliment. Said me and DH are talking alot and that is part of what makes it hard. On a practical level we know that we manage 3 well however we are worried about giving enough emotionally to each individual particularly in the early stages. Hence why we will seek SW advice. But having a well rehearsed routine for 3 kids surely must help us   . 

Today we are contemplating a new TV ours makes a ridiculous noise that is driving us crazy. What a rambling post sorry ladies hope all is lovely in your weekends x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww hunny, your posts make me laugh one minute and cry the next!  Your sister sounds a beautiful person, what a lovely thing to do.  And bonus, you are feeling ok    But do you know what, with prep only 7 1/2 weeks away i'm starting to think you are feeling better than ok....    Super excited for you my love, can't wait for you to get going, I know waiting is a killer.  But you are fully prepared in my eyes and will whizz though.  

Sorry for the short post, as you know i'm on my jollies an internet is a bit hit and miss so better post while I have some signal for fear of losing it all!

Love to you and DH (and your puppy man!)

Lolly xxxxx

ps....   for medicals, that is naughty, ours were the standard rate of £77 like Wyx


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## Sq9

Your prep course will be here before you know it.  Sisters are amazing - don't know where I would be without mine.  I'm very surprised that you have to pay for the medical yourselves - I assumed the LA / va always paid so we are clearly very lucky as ours is paid for by them.
Take care


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## Wyxie

gwyneth27 said:


> On a practical level we know that we manage 3 well however we are worried about giving enough emotionally to each individual particularly in the early stages.


I have no idea how people make placements of more than 2 kids work. Honestly, none at all. Each child needs so much from their new parent, not to mention taking a huge amount more out of you than a well settled secure child might do. I'm not trying to put you off mind you, I have absolute respect for anyone who can do it. I do know a single adopter who took on a 2, 4 and 7 year old and has made it work really well, although she had a significant amount of savings and didn't work for several years after placement in the end (that hadn't been her plan).

We also thought we would have 2 or 3 children placed together. In hindsight, I could have realistically seen us managing 2 children if it hadn't been in such a very difficult situation from f/c, but I am pretty certain I couldn't have managed 3 children at once and given them enough one to one time to help them form a secure attachment. I also worried on a more practical note about what would happen if one of the placements disrupted and SS decided their priority was keeping the children together.

Your SW should be able to give you advice, as you say. It sounds like a good place to start.

It sounds like your family are really supportive and it's so good to hear your Mum has such faith in you. I think having people who believe in you helps you believe in yourself, and that's such an important thing when adopting. Although I think we have to be open to a lot of different ideas on parenting, we also have to have the courage of our convictions when trying to parent traumatised and often difficult children!

Lovely hearing about how your plans are going. I hope you enjoy the prep course. If nothing else, it's a good opportunity to meet others locally who are in the same situation. We still, 2 years later, are in touch with almost all our prep goup and their support has been invaluable at times. We were lucky to have a lot of second time adopters in our group though who have been wonderful in sharing their experiences and have helped us a huge amount.

I got so fed up of "(when) are you going to have a family?" questions. In the end we told everyone about our fertility treatment on the last couple of cycles. It was also hard to avoid for us, as I had several pregnancies and one ended relatively late on, and the fertility treatment also made me extremely ill, I had hyperstimulation every single time. While a lot of people said fairly insensitive things at times, it was generally with the best of intentions, and it did stop the annoying questions, and people from plonking down scan photos in front of me and other things like that which can be really upsetting. I do find at toddler groups and the like now I often get asked "are you going to have any more?", normally by people who're just having their second ones at the moment with older children Wyxling's age, and I do find that quite upsetting. In a large part it's the assumption that with something as simple as having children, wanting is having, I guess, although it's considerably more complicated than that in reality.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I have the perfect response for that depends how comfortable you are with putting people in their place lol. Say something along the line of ..... I find that Wyxling is such an amazing child she just fulfills every maternal need in me and I really think she is flourishing from my one to one full time attention. We wouldn't completely rule out expanding our family further one day but here and now we and Wyxling are all totally happy and fulfilled. I don't feel the need to change that due to societal pressure to be a family of four or more. 

This is the brave bit ....Also most marriages really start to struggle on the arrival of a sibling. Shocking really how people think life will continue the same as when they have one one and then you're left watching a perfectly good marriage crumble.


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## Wyxie

gwyneth27 said:


> Also most marriages really start to struggle on the arrival of a sibling. Shocking really how people think life will continue the same as when they have one one and then you're left watching a perfectly good marriage crumble.


To be honest, this does worry me. Not that our marriage will crumble, I think that if that was going to happen, it would have done a while ago, just the amount of stress having a baby is going to put on us as a family when we've just found some sort of a balance that can be a bit wobbly at times. I think hubby and I always thought we had similar ideas about parenting, and we did, until we had to throw it all out and start again with a child with far more problems than we'd expected, and we both wanted to go in completely opposite directions. We did reach a compromise, and in the end we worked out what works if that makes sense, but the thought of trying to do that all again so soon is daunting, particularly if it goes hand in hand with a baby not sleeping, which most don't on placement. I am very aware that biologically I was set up to deal with sleepless nights quite a considerable amount of time ago! I think it's going to be really tough, but I believe it will be worth it.

If people ask me if we're going to have another, I just say I don't know. Sometimes people who know we've adopted ask me if we'd do it again, and I say yes, when the time is right. Now of course I'm slowly telling people there will be a new baby soon because it's going to be pretty obvious when he (hopefully) turns up. Although a week or two back I told a lady at playgroup we would have Wyxling's brother with us hopefully by mid-June, and she said "I thought you might be pregnant, but you don't like to ask, do you?" Fortunately, I'm not sensitive about my weight. I was tempted to string her a long a bit for a laugh, but she is one of the nicer Mums and Wyxling gets on well with her little boy so I explained I was not, in fact 7 months pregnant. I think it's safe to say she was more embarassed than I was.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh dear it's awkward isn't it how everyone thinks that the whole world is like them and doesn't comprehend anything different.  

It will be tough but also wonderful. Plus having got there once you will have an established boundary compromise routine now even if you don't feel you have. You understand the other one as a parent and will know more about what they are thinking and be less shocked by the differences. 

Hopefully his FC will have been much better and there will be routines to follow etc that will really support his transition. Something you weren't able to do for Wyxling due to the chaos she had been living in. You have done a wonderful job with your little girl and you will do with your little boy. The fact you are considering and discussing these things first will help you weather them much better than those who blindly believe it will all be simple. 

Also so glad to find someone who has stayed in touch with their prep group. I really hope we do and there are some lovely people we feel able to talk to x x


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## Dame Edna

Wyxie said:


> . Although a week or two back I told a lady at playgroup we would have Wyxling's brother with us hopefully by mid-June, and she said "I thought you might be pregnant, but you don't like to ask, do you?" Fortunately, I'm not sensitive about my weight. I was tempted to string her a long a bit for a laugh, but she is one of the nicer Mums and Wyxling gets on well with her little boy so I explained I was not, in fact 7 months pregnant. I think it's safe to say she was more embarassed than I was.


I am just lurking on this thread, but just had to tell you that the way you put that, really did make me laugh!! I think you could make £50 by sending that into Womans Own!

Good luck with your new arrival 

X


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## -x-Lolly-x-

If there was a like button I would like Dame Edna's comment!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Have booked a baby and child first aid course for me and DH in July. A couple of weeks after prep ends so hopefully fill the void and make us feel we are still learning /doing something useful if we have to wait a few weeks to be allocated a SW.n  

Hope the world is well with you beautiful ladies. x x x


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## crazyspaniel

Good plan Gwyneth! X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The world is plodding along but only 6 1/2 weeks till prep now    
Had a wobbly day yesterday and ended up having a big emotional chat with DH. I feel a lot better today but I think he views these conversations as rows because we both get emotional and disagree on certain things. I don't I think we need to contemplate these things together. 

Last night I started an Amazon wish list at the advice of one of the beautiful ladies on here. So far it has a load of art and craft stuff, paints, felt, lolly sticks etc think DH will laugh. Typical me I find the random things first  

One thing I struggled with a lot when I was younger is the huge role luck plays in your life be this good or bad. I have basically accepted that anything with an element of luck involved doesn't happen for me anything that can be achieved through hard work does because I am one of life's grafters. Had another example of this at work. They advertised an internal post that would be perfect for me, I was managements first thought on advertising, the person I am covering is back next month. However finance have told management I can't apply because I am not an internal candidate (as my salary doesn't exist I am simply covering someone else.) Also the person I am covering can't apply because the role we do is funded by an external funding bid not internal budget. So our role would have to be replaced. Why are finance aware of it because one of the previous people in my position did this and caused a headache however as they had been allowed to apply and offered the post by the time they realised so the couldn't retract. 

Others were upset / angry on my behalf / at my bad luck - not at management it's not their fault their hands are tied. I'm not I've just accepted that that is the way life always works for me little nuggets of good luck like that don't fall my way. 

DH is working this morning so just me and my baby doggy chilling. Had a big stress this week to (well kind of) we found out there has been a massive number of dog knappings in our area. We are talking well over 20 in a small geographical area. They have been taking them out of pens in gardens during the day when the owners are at work. I ended up in tears telling DH just the thought of loosing our dog breaks my heart. We've had to change his routine so he isn't outside which isn't ideal but is working ok. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend and chilling out some well deserved R and R. x x x


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## Frangipanii

wow what an awful worry for you. I am sure that your dog will be safe. I know it sounds awful but hopefulky they have moved to another area. fingers crossed. 
As for the luck thing. It is the same for me. I just never seem to land on my feet like other people. But it keeps life challenging and interesting. Bit rubbish about your job though. Sorry to hear about it. 
You have scared me with the six and half weeks. IN fact I feel like I should be running around sorting stuff out but realky what is there to do. Is your prep grouo over a few days! x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It's a day a week over 4 weeks. They say they like it because you are in a better state to take everything in than an intense block. Also it apparently makes people feel like they have know each other longer and more likely to stay in touch for support post prep which they really encourage. 

However it makes my job situation more challenging in terms of finding something else because I'll need the time off which isn't a great selling point. I would obviously consider part time as we are going to have to cope without my income sooner or later    . I definitely want to be a full time at home Mum but while waiting I really like the distraction and positive self esteem work gives me.  

I'm not worrying about it in the scheme of things life has thrown far far worse our way in the last few years so hey ho. At least we'd have a super clean house for HS starting  . x x


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## Frangipanii

Your mental ethos is super!!!!
Yeah I can see the point of having it one day over a few weeks..the prep group that is!!!
Do you know what Gywneth.....i dont work and I am miserable. There is only so much nesting you can do. We are different obviously. I think you are a bit more energetic than me though. But bored does not sum it up. Fortunately the voluntary work is starting next week so hopefully i will have some enthusiasim for life! Ha ha x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It wouldn't be easy too much time at home sends me a bit doolally . I think you are doing great. I just try to tell  myself that the one good thing to come out of the last four years is that it will put the rest of life's problems in perspective. I've lived through the most painful thing being a childless Mother so unemployment can't beat me touch wood and neither can anything else x x x


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## Frangipanii

yeah you are right. Nothing harder than that!!! 
xxxx


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## Wyxie

That's really bad luck about the job, as you say, how disappointing that a technicality is standing in your way.  I understand what you mean about not believing in luck any more, and I think I have sort of been there, but I personally feel that for most of the setbacks in my life, fertility excepted, I am probably in part responsible.  Of course if it was someone else I probably wouldn't feel that, but I think I am the sort of person who sets different standards for myself as to others.  There is nothing wrong with what we can achieve with hard work, but yes, infertility just makes a mockery of that.  It's hard.  I don't really believe in luck or otherwise, I just try to accept the way things are.  I'm not very good at it, but I do try!  I count the things around me where I try to be more fatalistic about things.  If it hadn't been for a lot of the things that happened in my life when I was younger which were not awesome, I would never have been in the situation I was to meet my husband.  If it hadn't been for my infertility, I wouldn't have had my daughter.  I can't think about that as a bad thing any more.  Even the babies we lost, which I do still think about, I have to try and accept now, because again, if any of them had survived, I would not have my daughter, and that is now unthinkable.  I just hope that at some point soon you have a wonderful little bundle or two, maybe just a teeny a bit less troublesome than ours can be at times, who can make you feel the same.

To be honest, some days I feel a little less calm about the whole thing, but overall I think that's where I am now.

I see why you really want to stay employed and not just for financial reasons.  I couldn't have coped with rattling round the house before we had Wyxling.  I really used work as something to keep me out of trouble and off the streets!  Plus we also really needed my income to get some financial security before we had a Wyxling, we pretty much cleaned ourselves out with IVF/ICSI and needed to build up some savings again, we felt, to give ourselves a bit of a safety margin.  I would have loved about 4 weeks worry free off work, though, to get my house totally sorted, but then would have needed something to do.  Perhaps some domestic projects could keep you busy if you do need to find something for a while?    Voluntary work is an option, even if it's not child related, if you do find yourself needing to find something to do with other people.

I can't think of anything harder than living without your children.  Would be nice for other good things to happen though in the meantime, just to help along the way.  

Here's hoping for a big dollop of good luck for everyone.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks sweetie x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey my lovely   Really admiring your calm take it one step at a time and see what happens attitude. Like you say you have been through the toughest times of your life, anything else is a breeze in comparison. But still really hoping something comes up soon, you really deserve it and are too good not to be with the kids! Can't wait til its at home with your own though  

You are in my PAR hun, reads well   And not long at all until prep, can't wait for you get going


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## Mummy DIY Diva

How exciting going to make sure you're in ours x x


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## Frangipanii

Are you too counting sleeps or weeks til the next date in your diary? x


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## Wyxie

Good question.  I count months until it's less than a month, then weeks until it's less than a week!

Although some days I just count hours until it's time to put Wyxling down for her nap.  Love her to bits, but some days, yeah, Mondays especially.  She never deals well with hubby going back to work after the weekend.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Counting weeks at the minute - will start days when its closer. Bless little Wyxie Monday is rubbish x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hello Diary hadn't realized it had been so long. Not a lot to report really bit tired and emotional today. My sister had her second baby on Saturday which is fine. Births are much easier to dea lwith / don't really bother me  now we aren't pursuing that in any way. However it still makes me sad that I'm not the thrilled excited Auntie I would have been without this journey. I adore children and always have it makes me angry that life has taken some of the joy of being an Auntie away from me.  

I have looked into adoption pay and realized that there are a number of conditions attached to SAP regarding continuous service etc. I thought I'd come up with a way round this as DH could put me on the books with him and then we could claim it through his company as a safe guard if I am not entitled to it from work. However if I am working anywhere else then he can't put me on the books as it will cost him a fortune (complex tax stuff). You have to start your claim for SAP within a certain number of days from being matched so again we can't retrospectively sort anything out. It's just another headache with no real answer.  

Lolly going to panel today and what UL has gone through has been a real reality check for me. Today I literally was so stressed I felt sick. I couldn't relax or concentrate on work till I knew panel had gone well. I can't even contemplate how I will cope with me going to panel. I think I will actually hyperventilate or collapse when I'm in there. We've been through so much already and I just don't want anymore heart break. The thought of putting ourselves out there to be judged and picked at is so awful and overwhelming today.  I am sure I will feel better tomorrow but today it all seems a bit too much. 

On the positive this is my first day like this for months so that is positive. Also in 3 weeks and 6 days time I start prep and that is a really good thing. I can't wait I just want to be on the other side but then I think about the waiting at the other end and feel totally overwhelmed again. Think I need a new focus. Now I've decorated the whole house I need a new project to feel I am getting us closer to being a family. Love to you all x x x


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## Handstitchedmum

You don't even need big stressors like Lolly's panel to cause wobbles! I had a few like that this month. I think it is easy to feel inadequate when being a parent is almost entirely in your mind. We are especially vulnerable right now and any vulnerable person in our situation would have wobbles and need reassurance.

It will be easier to feel secure as parents once we actually are. You will be great. This time will pass.


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## Wyxie

I understand what you mean about life taking away the joy of babies.  I still struggle to get excited, it's just too complicated.  

Adoption pay is a real pain.  I really hope you manage to find a job soon to be in for long enough to qualify when your child(ren) do come along.

Panel is incredibly stressful, especially when you know someone, albeit "only" online, who's been rejected.  The first time round I was a complete wreck from the second opinion meeting through to panel.  I was absolutely convinced we'd get asked about a couple of things I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold it together with the knowledge that our having a family depended on me answering.  It was a very complicated situation and I worried myself sick.  In the end nothing I'd been worried about came up.  We did get some unexpected questions at panel on something which they felt hadn't been fully covered in our report (I think it had, to be honest, but maybe they wanted to hear it from us), but actually it was a fairly straightforward meeting.  All I can say is to take comfort in the knowledge that rejections are extremely rare, even for people with a less than straightforward life history.

I hope once the assessment process starts you may start to feel better again, as it will give you something to focus on.  The waiting always seems so hard to me.  I honestly don't know what can be done to make it easier, other than trying to keep busy and make the most of the time you have with your husband now you're no longer going through the stress of fertility treatment.  We did lots of big kid stuff that we did when we'd first met and life was a lot simpler.  It really helped.

Big hugs to you on a difficult day.


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

That feeling of being judged, that's the bit I've found the hardest, that and the feeling that some part of Social Services (ooh, The SS) want you to feel grateful for being considered.  I truly feel this journey should by symbiotic, about mutual respect and everyone doing their best to pull together, not about 'them' and 'us', both sides wanting the same thing but on each other's terms only, not as a partnership... Does that make any sense apart from in my head??  

Big hugs, as they say on The X Files, you are not alone!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Big big hugs honey, 

Wobbles are normal honey anything sets me off. 

Thinking of you, not long till prep honey then your journey will really start  xx


----------



## Wyxie

AuntieKatie said:


> That feeling of being judged, that's the bit I've found the hardest, that and the feeling that some part of Social Services (ooh, The SS) want you to feel grateful for being considered. I truly feel this journey should by symbiotic, about mutual respect and everyone doing their best to pull together, not about 'them' and 'us', both sides wanting the same thing but on each other's terms only, not as a partnership... Does that make any sense apart from in my head??
> 
> Big hugs, as they say on The X Files, you are not alone!


Yes, being judged on everything that's happened to you is hard. Although I understand the reasons why Social Services feel they should know everything about you, I'm not sure I agree with all of their reasoning, and I very strongly resented the process. I like our Social Worker and get on well with her, but I wasn't happy with how the information I gave to her was discussed by other Social Workers. I don't like being patronised, and I don't like people making assumptions about me. It felt like the emphasis was too much on pulling people apart and judging, and showing you all the reasons you may fail, rather than on supporting and preparing people for something which can be incredibly difficult. The balance was not there. It's a situation in which Social Services just have too much power. I understand the reasoning, but something about how the whole set up works is just wrong. I found the assessment really hard, if I'm honest, and I'm sure that had Social Services known how hard I'd found it and how much some of the discussions during our assessment effected me, they would have said I was unfit to adopt, certainly at that time. Like many people I have some problems, maybe I always will have, but I deal with them and get on with my life.

Some of the things that were said to me were not acceptable, and I'm still quite angry about that. It's hard to explain without really going into detail and I'm not comfortable doing that on a public forum, but it's just not quite right.


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Exactly. Sometimes I think it's funny that they thing they really know you and have you absolutely pegged, but actually they have only scratched the surface.  They are very smug and self congratulating sometimes about how clever they are but when it comes right down to it, it's the parents that have to be the clever ones because we are the ones left to bring together all the pieces of a little life when all is said and done.

I don't mean to sound bitter, and I'm not really, we have met some truly lovely people throughout but I guess our panel weren't the most empathetic people I have ever met...


----------



## MummyElf

Our SW was brilliant and didn't really pry at all, but I was advised by someone who had just completed the process not to be 'too honest' and pour my heart out .... Because you will think you're having a chat, but they will be filing it all away and it can come back to bite you. On the prep course we did one of the SWs was fairly new and very keen and she kept saying how she would be round her adopters' homes a lot and would want to know EVERYTHING. She mentioned staying for ages at a home whilst they cried talking about a family death and I felt really annoyed for those poor people who had been forced to drag up such a painful subject and go through it bit by bit in order to somehow prove that they were fit to be parents. SS aren't psychics and they will only know what you tell them....yes, honesty is key, because you need to be honest with yourself too, but why on earth they ask about your first boyfriend/girlfriend when for most of us it was a looooong time ago......!

Anyway I'm with you wyxie, our experience of them was good because our SW is lovely, but there is too much power in their direction and one SW I met fairly recently who thank goodness isn't involved in with us made me thank my lucky stars that we hadn't ended up with someone like her. Rude, condescending and on a massive power trip. I have a funny story attached but as this is a public forum I'll keep it to myself   I don't think I'd have completed the process if we'd had her, or even asked for someone different. But like in any job, you get your power-trippers.

Anyhow where did that all come from?! Going off on one much?!


----------



## Sq9

Gwyneth. Tomorrow is another day and takes you one day closer to achieving your dreams xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh hunny, i'm sorry I caused you stress!!  You would never have known from the lovely messages you sent and you know how grateful I am for that    You think you won't cope, my god I was terrified.  But you do. The build up is terrible but once you are there it's actually ok.  I found it positive and so will you as they will see how brilliant you will be.  You chat to them and just as you start to relax it is over.  You are a funny, clever, kind, caring and committed couple.  I know that you will be ok, just like you kept telling me.  And I was!  I KNOW you can do this.  The waiting is so hard but you are so close to starting now and you will fly.  And I will be right there with you


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello lovely  

Hope you are feeling a little better today.  As I have said in my journal, you really are such a lovely person and I hope I can support you like you have me during your journey.  You are so nearly there now and once you get going there'll be no looking back.  I just know that you will be fine  

Hopefully looking forward to catching up this weekend.  Again, thank you


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah Ladies you are all so lovely and wonderful I would be lost without you all. I feel loads better today had a nice run after work and got my head back on. 

Lolly you didn't stress me out my love it was just being hit by the enormity of it all and how your whole life boils down to 20 minutes with 10 strangers who get to decide whether we deserve to have a happy future or not. 

Can't wait for a good chin wag tomorrow. Got my day planned out up early for a stroll with my baby doggy. Then DH is going Clay Pigeon Shooting while I do a bit of house work. Then off to meet Lolly and DF for a celebratory lunch  . 

I am so glad to have this site. I stumbled on it by accident really and didn't look at any other sites for ages. I am so glad this is where I ended up because everyone is so supportive (which I can't say about other sites I'm afraid). 

When you have a day like yesterday it means the world to me to vent to people who truly get it. Some days the enormity of it all hits you but the next day you pick yourself up dust yourself down and get back to normal. The rest of the world just don't get that how you then put it all back in the boxes find your calm and remember how beautiful the end goal is and all the mountains shrink back down. 

Enjoy your weekends fabulous ladies x x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I have been doing a lot of thinking about adoption prejudice recently and it has been bothering me because I simply don't understand it. I have always looked at adoption as an equal but different way to build a family and couldn't grasp why others didn't. When we were looking into treatment and adoption on learning we were infertile people always said things like.......
It would be much better if the treatment works and you don't have to adopt won't it. To which I'd say not better just simpler. We'd be a family either way so neither is better. Treatment is just quicker and simpler. 
It would be better if you could have your own children. 
They won't really be yours will they. 
You wouldn't be their real Mother.
Etc etc 

I think I have got to the bottom of why people are so strange about it and it has given me comfort and peace (although it won't bother me if you all disagree with me.) Most people are fairly insecure about their parenting whether they admit it or not. 

Parents make mistakes (as will I and you) but find it very hard to accept that mistakes are inevitable in all areas of life. They feel guilty that they have let their children down in certain ways - working long hours, not having enough patience, not having enough money to do the things they want etc. I think bio parents tell themselves it is okay because no-one else could love them like I do. They are from me and because of that I love them more than anyone else could and so they are better with me as a parent despite my mistakes. 

Adoption spoils this logic and security. We love our adopted children just as much and this makes people insecure and takes away what they use to comfort themselves. It is better to criticize our version of family than deal with their insecurities about their own. 

So my message is..... I am sorry if we make you feel insecure this is not our intention. We simply want the opportunity to parent an opportunity you have already been given. Please don't reject us for this our battle has been tough enough already. 

We are all in the same boat we too (I am sure) feel insecure about whether we are making the right decisions and find things hard. When I battled with IF your pregnant stomachs made me feel insecure because I felt a failure as a wife that I couldn't hold onto our embryos. I didn't take this out on you I smiled and asked how you were. I have moved on and got over this dealing with my own worries. All I ask is that you do the same for me. 

Just a thought maybe I'm nuts. I just started putting things together in my brain and realized among people I have mixed with there seems to be a high correlation between parenting insecurity and adoptionism. Where as more confident parents seem a lot more positive.


----------



## Wyxie

Interesting, I hadn't really considered it from that perspective before.

I think there are lot of elements involved.  Some people are very focussed on genes, and think because their parents were "bad" enough the children had to be taken away from them, the kids will be from the same mould.  Ironically, I tend to find people most focussed on genetics are generally the ones whose genes I would perhaps be less keen to pass on to the next generation.  

I also think there is a preconceived idea that adopted children will behave in a certain way, and I think most people don't "get" that this is as much from the moves and insecurity, or how they were parented in their early years, as from any sort of genetic predisposition.  People often tell me you wouldn't know my daughter wasn't "really mine" or that I wasn't her "real mum", because when we're out and about she presents very well and there's little evidence of the problems we see at home, and sometimes in other familiar places.

Sometimes people do realise what's involved and if they are people who love you, they may well be concerned about you and how difficult your family life may be, if you do adopt and end up with a child with significant problems.  

Also a lot of people just haven't thought it through, and feel the need to say something before they fully saddle up their brains.  

Finally, in my opinion, some people are just ignorant.

My husband was talking to someone he works with recently who's just started being assessed to adopt.  He said to my husband, about the adoption order hearing, "will her real parents be there?"  My husband was a bit miffed, but kept quiet as he and his wife have had a pretty rough time lately.  I think he has plans to remind him he said that in a few years time, though.  

It's hard though, that somehow you are seen as less of a parent by some people, or that people pity you for your child, or see your child as inferior.  The latter is fairly rare, fortunately.

I think it's good to think about these things in advance, and also to have your answers ready for both yourself and your child, for when someone says something which could be most kindly described as undiplomatic.

Hope you've had a good weekend,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

We got our official invite to prep today through the post. Starts on the 12 th June (as I knew) but it was exciting to get it anyway. We filled in our response slip saying YESSSSSS and posted it back straight away. 

It said CRB forms and official application form will follow before we start. Which makes me think we must be going on through the old 8 months system. Otherwise it is 4 months from formal application to panel. One of those 4 months is prep because we do it a day a week. The other is your PAR going to panel 3 weeks before so that would leave 2 months and a week for home study      not likely. 

It's a little disappointing because I am so keen to be through but I feel they are the right agency for us so I'd rather take a bit longer and feel happy with the SW's.


----------



## Wyxie

It must be good to feel like you're getting somewhere at last.  It does sound like it's the 8 month system, but SW depending it may be quicker, ours was under the old system and only took 5 1/2 months from prep to panel.  Hopefully they'll give you a better idea on the prep course.  Not long now at all!


----------



## Sq9

22 sleeps  .  Not long now and if you are anything like us, once you get started, time will go quickly.  To be honest, I think 6-8 months is better because you need time to develop a trusting relationship with your sw and for them to understand you so that matching is spot on


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Definitely   This is the start of your journey, so glad and so happy you are nearly ready to go! Patience of a Saint hun   I honestly think the 8 month system is better, I don't get how on earth would would fit it all in otherwise. And also it gives you more chance to reflect as you go, build your relationship with SW and not rush and miss anything or skirt over important issues. As you know our application to panel was 6 1/2 months so 8 months is the maximum, reckon with your enthusiasm you may well fly through  

Super excited for you


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay not long now gwyneth. 

We where on the old 8 months but we got to approval panel within 6 months so hopefully you'll be the same. 

Good luck honey xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies had a stressful few work and family days so it really cheered us up. DH's birthday this week too so nice additional birthday present x x


----------



## Primmer

Must be good to know you are finally on your way and to have date confirmed for prep.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Just saw a load of French people on the news protesting about gay couples adopting.  Makes me so mad why do you think you have the right to comment.  Your prejudice attitude is exactly what no child adopted or not doesn't need to hear. Children need love , security and acceptance if you don't understand keep your thoughts to yourself.  You are trying to keep children in care and away from loving parents.  Rant over


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Senseless, illogical bigotry infuriates me, too. I don't watch the news anymore or read inflammatory comments. The world is full of stupid and mean. 

I read a very good article this week about research on gender, sexuality and relationships. The researchers demonstrated how heterosexual relationships have a lot to learn from same sex relationships. It was fascinating how certain behaviours in relationships had more to do with our XY or XX rather than our gender or our sexual preferences. They made lesbian relationships sound so good, I was thinking of leaving HSDad! And then I realised I really was the man in our relationship and no proper egalitarian lesbian would put up with me leaving the dishes for days on end   seriously, though, the moral of the story was that  we all have our biases due to our genes, our culture and our gender identity. And those seem to matter a lot more than who we sleep next to every night.

The only people harming the children adopted by same sex parents are the idiots who think they are doing no harm by categorically denying the rights of millions of people. Wake me up when invalidation becomes synonymous with safeguarding rather than abuse.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

The world is so prejudice and it makes me so so angry    So children staying in long term care is better than the security of becoming part of a loving family?  How can they justify their argument?    People are just ignorant and extremely narrow minded.  Some are just not clever enough to understand and instead poke fun and spout a load of ****** to cover up the fact. 

 HSMum


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies it just made me so mad. Well yesterday was our wedding anniversary as always it's a slight mix of emotions. It symbolizes another year in which we haven't achieved the only thing we want to be a family. However we are now very future focused and hoping this time next year we will be doing introductions or something similar    . 

DH surprised me by going into work late and taking me for breakfast which was really nice. Breakfast is the new dinner ladies try it. Also a much better meal to eat out with LO's -well  before nap time not grumpy, early in the day much less tired and everywhere is much quieter.  

People tell me that life will change and I won't understand many things. However there are a number of things I think being on this journey that make you far better prepared for parenting than many bio parents. 1. My life now and for the last 4  years has been one heart brake after another. However hard life with children is I will NEVER wish our life was as it is now. Bio parents can't ever get that. Also I don't have an ideal picture in my head anymore - I have grieved that. Here's what no-one tells you bio parents are grieving that when their children are alive and family isn't what they expected. 

I am expecting life to be horrific post placement - children that physically attack you on a regular basis (at least initially), children that have likes, dislikes, experiences, fears and issues that I don't know because I wasn't there. Trying to get to know them while dealing with the day to day parenting and running a house. I am picturing hell on earth but at some point a year or so in we will start to get somewhere I am sure.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I remember the first hour of the first day I was in this country and HSDad asked me what I wanted to do and I said, " go to breakfast!" If only it were so easy. I was so disappointed at the lack of choices (both of places to eat and what to eat). There isn't much I love more than brunch with family and friends. The day is ahead of you, food is fresh and hot, and people are (usually) relaxed and ready to go. If you are an early riser, like me, those quiet hours outside are pure bliss, and I still would love nothing more than sharing my mornings with other active people who are equally ready to get on with life!

Mm, breakfast.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I agree breakfast is seriously underrated in the UK my sister lives abroad and breakfast is a much bigger thing there and it's fab. I think the UK is getting better at breakfast but still a long way to go. x x


----------



## Wyxie

Things like this are so hard.  I always found our wedding anniversary particularly hard, as it was also the due date for our first baby which was the only one I carried to second trimester.  With each year that passed without a child in our lives, it became harder.  All we can do is hope by this time next year you will have your child(ren) with you.

I don't think you should expect life after placement to be horrific.  Expect it to be incredibly hard, and full of problems you have no idea how to deal with, because if it isn't, it'll be a pleasant surprise, but not horrific.  Please don't underestimate the joy that can be brought by even the most damaged child, albeit it's mixed in with a huge amount of heartache at times.

I live in an area with awful attitudes towards minorities.  It makes me very angry at times for a variety of reasons.  I really want to move before our daughter is too old, I just don't like the idea of her growing up in such an intolerant place.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh hunny, happy anniversary (belated wishes anyway) I hope this one is good and know next one will be even better


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Officially starting my count down now 11 sleeps till prep x x


----------



## Guest

You haven't got long at all - those days will fly by and soon you will be having your hs  xxx


----------



## Sq9

It will be here before you know it  . By the time you read this it will only be 10 sleeps


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies 10 sleeps  . x x 
Had a lovely day with DH, Mum and Dad yesterday we went to country fest. I would really advise it to take LO's next year. Pets corner, rides and bouncy castles, these awesome huge hamster balls on a massive pool, rare breed sheep, pigs and cows, kites, motorbike displays, dog show, food stalls, music, clothes etc. Really lovely me and DH fell in love with tiny hunter wellies. We loved looking at all the miniature versions of our waterproofs etc loads of fun. It was £16 for me and DH to go but only £17 for up to a family of 5. Sorry I sound like an advert  . 

Then I got worried and thought what if Lo's hate farm animals and outdoors and aren't like us at all?? Then I remembered they'd never match us with an indoorsie child / animal hater  . 

Waiting for the sun to come out today x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahhh sounds magical!  The type of day only made better by have littlies that you can run around and be excited with! Soon hun, super soon!!

10 sleeps      Whoop whoop!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

8 sleeps x


----------



## crazyspaniel

Gwyneth, so nearly there xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

This time in a week we'll be saying 'OMG, it's tomorrow!!!!'


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

They so  need a like button for comments.  Well I can't say too much  but current work maybe able to keep me on 3 days a week.  Nothing definite yet should know by the end of the week.  It's not ideal  but it means time for prep and home study would be easy as it's on my days off and I would have continuous service and  be entitled to SAP fingers crossed I'll keep you updated x    xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ooooh hun that'd be good    I was thinking about that this morning and was going to text you soon to see where you were up to.  I really hope that they will be able to keep you on, keep us posted.  On another plus side another working day done, another step closer to prep


----------



## Wyxie

Sounds hopeful about your employers, I will keep everything crossed.  It sounds like just being employed would be good for you at the moment as well as the obvious financial benefits.  It just makes it so much easier to stay distracted and sane!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Wyxie.  7 sleeps this time next week Dh will be telling me to go back to sleep because we can have a lie in x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

6 sleeps now x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Less than a week... you're on the home straight!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi so things were finalised at work today and I am definitely staying 3 days a week.  All good and the right thing for now  x  x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well I'm officially a total idiot.  I've ended up in tears about going away for the weekend because I don't want to leave the dog.  I've not been away without him.  I'm going to see a friend from university.  Think the unknown of the week and PMT haven't helped. We've filled in our details form for prep took 2 hours but is all done except one reference.  Didn't know we'd have to specify so early.  A friend we were going to use is having chemotherapy at the moment so don't want to put it on her.  Just got to figure out who's the best alternative.  Very excited but also a bit emotional tonight x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

You are not an idiot one little bit!!  You are an emotional (damn hormones  ) and stressed lady and do you know what, you are allowed to be!  You have a massive amount going on hun, and while things are finally starting to happen on the adoption front (which is of course amazing), it is still a stressful time, and the unknown is so hard.  And work is a whole other issue.  You have been doing amazingly well, a few tears doesn't make you and idiot, it makes you human!!  And normal!  I was upset leaving kitty, they are our babies and we spend so much time with them that of course it pulls at the heart strings.  But do you know what.... you will be ok.  Actually you will have a great time, share some laughs, relax and come back refreshed.  Puppy man will be so happy to see you and you will go into next week feeling happy.  And you know what next week is don't you....?!!!  

Massive    you know i'm only the other end of the phone hun


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you hun x x


----------



## Sq9

xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Big hugs honey. 

5 sleeps xxxxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Em 5 sleeps to go ekkkkkk x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Just seen a segment on the news about the massive benefits a pilot project has seen. It involves giving all children a free breakfast at school.  Apparently this is a positive discovery for the LEA. Am I the only person seeing it as a condemnation of whatever the children are or aren't being fed for breakfast normally.  Love the middle class spin. I have worked in schools where breakfast is given to all kids its effective because it is the only way to ensure they are nourished.  Makes me sad that these things aren't reported honestly in the children's interest x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

4 sleeps  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks lovely 3 sleeps now x x


----------



## Frangipanii

Getting very close!!!! X x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

2 sleeps x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Gah... you beat me to it!!!   2 sleeps.... woohoo!!


----------



## Sq9

Nearly there now.  You'll get so much out of the prep course and not tomorrow but the next day you will have started - whoop whoop!!


----------



## crazyroychick

Best of luck for prep xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies so close now. This time tomorrow we'll be all nerves we're not very good at meeting lots of new people. Have to put our bravest faces on. Just hope everyone is nice and social fingers crossed for a good group x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Best of luck with it all! Beginnings are hard; I hope you have a nice group and you and your DH finds it productive and useful.


----------



## flickJ

Best of luck tomorrow, Gwyneth, you'll be great!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

1 more sleep honey, very excited for you. 

Xxxxxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Excited for you lovely lady!! X x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thank you honey. So nervous feels like the 1st day of meeting him all over again.  xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh my gooooooodness, it's nearly tomorrow! You will be great hun. I know you are nervous but you make a great first impression. Friendly, enthusiastic, caring, understanding, clever, just all round nice!! They will embrace you and before you know it you'll be well underway on your path to your much longed for (and already loved) babies xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Having a 'senior' moment.  

I know it's tomorrow - confused myself with all that's going on here   

I'll be thinking about you, hugs and good wishes, hun


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you so much for all the good wishes I feel very cared about you're a wonderful lot. Just hoping my current hayfever calms down streaming puffy red eyes on entry not such a good look  . At least we'll be inside all day should help keep me under control. 

I will post tomorrow and let you all know how we got on.


----------



## Sq9

Good luck gwyneth.  All the waiting will be worth it xx


----------



## Wyxie

Hope you have a good day tomorrow, and meet some nice people.  Wyxie xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thinking of you tomorrow honey xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Today is the day luckily I slept well with the hay fever delirium.  Buying some tablets this morning x x  x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Ahh, today! How exciting.


----------



## Primmer

Best of luck for today


----------



## crazyspaniel

Hope you enjoy your day, feels like you've been waiting forever but today your journey really starts xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Have a fab day today honey. Can't wait for update  xxxxx


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Enjoy!  You'll love it I'm sure xx


----------



## crazyroychick

Hope you have a great day today xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Guessing that by now you are wearing a name badge, have done an ice breaker activity and are heading for your first coffee break   and hopefully you are meeting lovely people, having a good time and feeling positive. Can't wait to hear all about it   xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Me again!!   Checking in with   Hoping you had a fabulous day sweetie xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hello ladies, 

I am back from going for a celebratory dinner with DH and my Dad. We have had a really good day as predicted by Lolly I was wearing a name badge and done some ice breakers  . 

The group is nice a fairly mixed which I like. There is us (obviously) then three other married couples - 2 of which are late thirties / early forties one who seem a similar age to us. Then there are two lesbian couples and a single adopter. The two lesbian couples are similar in age to us and the single adopter is late thirties. 
Everyone is nice and talkative which is good so hoping we will leave staying in contact with some people. 

Today went like this - Ice breaker
Discussion about why children are in care
Group work on scenarios involving children during placement - what did we think were the issues and how would we react. 
Talk from / discussion with an adoptive Mum - 4 years in. 
Lunch 
Looking at safety issues - internet, health and safety and personal care
Talk from a pediatrician 
Looking at some old profiles to help us think about what we are and aren't comfortable with. - Luckily for me and DH we both felt  the same under 12 months is a no. We definitely want a sibling group not a single child. 

I feel really positive having started like we have found the place we belong after years of walking through fog. Going to walk my baby doggy now muchos love x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Glad to hear things went well.  Sounds like a good start.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

so glad you had such a wonderful day!! Topped off with a yummy meal, perfect   good you had a mixed bag of peopledfrom different backgrounds. Sure you'll all learn a lot from each other. Have you got homework? Roll on next week!!


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## Frangipanii

Excellent news about your day!! Pleased it went well!! Does that mean you are back there next Wednesday? The process has now officially started!!! Yay x x xxx


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## crazyroychick

That's great news so pleased all went well, when are you back? Xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay so happy it all went well. Roll on next week  xxxx


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## Sq9

Glad it went well.   . It is an amazing feeling once you get started - as you say, the fog lifts and it feels like you are doing something so positive. Take care xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We are back on Wednesday it's a day a week for four weeks.  For homework we have to explore our own childhoods and how we were parented. Harder than it sounds but useful I'm sure x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Had a lovely day today it the village we live in celebration day a real family fun thing. Nephews were involved whole community throws themselves into it. There's a big parade of floats dragged by tractors. DH and I were just discussing how the choose the children to be queen and attendants etc (they go on the lead float.) 

We have now decided to join and help out on the comity next year to ensure that if our children want to be chosen they will have a good chance.   DH's accountant runs the comity so should be easy enough to get involved. Was DH's suggestion which makes me smile because it shows me he is thinking about parenting seriously and do things to ensure our LO's get opportunities within our community. 

Watch this space we'll do this and then be placed with shy LO's that would rather hide at the back  . Either way we won't be bothered as long as I have an excuse to go on the bouncy castle slide - I've been eyeing it up for years.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The other thing I learnt yesterday is that the Mum and Toddler group in my village is very small at the moment (they didn't have a float and I asked why.) There is about 4 Mums going at the moment for me that could be a really good thing it's a lot easier to walk into a room and be accepted by a small group than a large one. Fingers crossed x x


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## flickJ

Gwyneth, your village sounds amazing for your LO, an ideal place to bring him/her/them into


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We're hoping so there will be positives and negatives. Positive with the village gossip line everyone will know we've adopted about 5 mins into placement we won't have lots of explaining to do. Negative everyone will know - LO will have no disclosure choices. 

There is a strong sense of community in our village still and I am hoping this will mean Lo's are embraced. Must say the thought of having Lo's to dress up and put in the parade made me nearly burst. I will defo be a Mum that walks by the float instead of watching from the crowd though   . My bubbas will never be out of site. 

My nephew has said he wants to do his own float next year not join the school so you never know we may have a cousin / family float with DH driving. My brother said he thinks we should do Egypt themed with me as Cleopatra and LO's fanning me and feeding me grapes  . He's a real wind up and lives in a big city so had got a bit giddy with the countryside traditional life x x


----------



## Billybeans

Hi Gwyneth, Amazing news that you have had your 1st day of prep, so back again on Wednesday?
I so ope everything goes quickly and smoothly for you


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## Handstitchedmum

It all sounds amazing, Gwyneth. I love community spirit and village life!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Sounds a lovely time hun, and that your little ones will be joining a close knit village life with great provision in place. I know that means anonymity can go out the window, but hopefully everyone will welcome them with open arms. Lovely that hubby is thinking and planning, shows how excited he is for your future. I can picture it all now, you will be so proud   not long until Wednesday!!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

We also live in a small village with a good community, which means everyone is going to notice a 2 year old suddenly arrive, no getting away from that.  On a positive, there are at least 2 other couples in the village with adopted kids, although they are much older now.  There is a great baby and toddler group over the road that I can't wait to start going to!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah thanks Ladies, can't wait till Wednesday to get another day down. I'm not working today with my new part time hours and I am currently thinking of ways to avoid cleaning the bathroom  .  So far I have watched an episode of the Only Way is Essex on the itv player, walked the dog and typed up some work things for DH.   

Can't really avoid any longer   but I'll be glad when it's done. Don't know if you've seen my thread about double buggies? I'm now walking the dog through the village thinking I'll never get a double buggy on these pavements. Good job there isn't a lot of traffic.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Day 2 tomorrow looking forward to it.  Now hoping the work call I ignored on Friday isn't important or going to get me into trouble.  I decided if I am part time then there needs to be boundaries one of which is no phone calls on days off. However I am a worrier and can't help thinking what if........ will I be in trouble today. Hopefully not x x x


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## flickJ

Good luck tomorrow hun - enjoy yourself, you'll be great


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Flick your a star x x


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## Sq9

Enjoy tomorrow then you will be one step closer


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck tomorrow honey. Xxxxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Woo! Second wednesday is here! enjoy!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you lovely people.  Just enjoying a little lie in then going to walk my beautiful dog x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Have a great day hunny   excited to hear all about it later xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Another really good and busy day. 

We started by looking at names and the identity they bring. 
Then we looked at more case studies around life experiences - what children would have experienced, behaviors that result etc. 
A child psychologist then talked about brain development and learnt behaviors / adaption etc. He was really good and interesting. He also talked about our mental health and well being. He talked about achievable goals and looking after yourself to ensure you are able to  take action on the things that really need it. It was good to discuss about how you are unable to take advice and make change when you feel totally overwhelmed. 

Then we had an same sex couple of adopters talk about their experience of adopting 5 year old twins. They were fantastic and so positive they gave a really different slant and talked a lot about matching etc. Having been approved for older siblings they were contacted with 11 profiles   . Which is a lot. They showed their books they made their sons for intros and the things they have compiled since. Weird experience a child I taught was with their boys in one of their photos it must be a cousin or something. Obviously I didn't say anything because it wouldn't be appropriate. Small world. They are the only thing that has brought me near tears and it was just in a good way from how they spoke about their boys and when they were first called Daddy and how all our children were out there waiting for us. He got quite emotional and I guess the enormity hit me a bit. 

We focused on the behaviors that children may have as a result of early childhood experiences. 

The next bit looked at dealing with questions from others and having appropriate answers that are honest, respectful and age appropriate. It was interesting to think about striking the balance between maintaining privacy but showing your children that you are proud of their identity as your adopted child. 

The last bit was about adoption and the law. 

Then we were given homework to bring an significant object from our early years.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Sounds a really interesting and thought provoking day. It really means so much more when you get people in to speak about their own personal experiences. That was the bit that got me too   bet you are shattered now hun, but so glad it went well again. Any thoughts on your object. I think I would have to take my cuddly tortoise from childhood. Mine was pink and white and called tessa. My brother had a blue and green one called Tony. They spoke in a special way and we did everything with them!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Not sure maybe big ted he came in hospital with me when I nearly died of pneumonia and I was very attached.  Not kept a lot of stuff to be honest but your post made me think of big ted. DH isn't sure either.  Objects from early years is hard if they just said childhood it would leave more scope x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I had a zebra called Horsey that came from South Africa when I was a baby as my uncle was in the Merchant Navy.  Was completely unsuitable for a child, had metal spikes in his legs and was stuffed with straw and I adored him, he came everywhere with me for years.  I burned a hole in his side once trying to dry him with my hairdryer, surprised he didn't combust! He's still in the loft...  

Your course sounds really great, seems they can turn on what guests they have in and how interesting they are xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Based on others experiences on here I do feel ( touch wood ) they have a very positive approach and build good relationships with adopters and professionals who will help out.  The psychologist treats kids on their case load mainly but also advises on attachment styles as part of considering suitability when matching.  There just seems to be a lot of good will like that x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Well if it's early early years then that makes me think of my cow cushion!!  You know the traditional blankie... well I had a cushion.  It had a cow chewing a flower in the middle    I used to carry if everywhere and remember I liked how cold the material was.  I used to run my back of my hands down it when I was tired and liked it made my fingernails feel cold (   )  My mum says I took it on holidays, trips and to bed.  All was well until one night I got a tummy bug..... poor cow cushion    Mum tried to wash it but no use, RIP cow!  She got another but nope, wasn't the same!  From that day I didn't have a comforter anymore... well actually I sucked my thumb until I was 7 and my mum told me my teeth would grow wonky if I carried on, but that's another story.....!!!


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## Handstitchedmum

Hmm. Most of the things I would bring are still at my parents house (in another country!). The first thing that came to my mind was a set of child-sized upholstered stools that my brother and I used to sit on as toddlers. We had a lot of family gatherings in her furnished basement, which had a bar, and these were mini versions of the same bar stools. I remember feeling quite content, with all of my family members towering over me, laughing with each other, now and then paying attention to me. I always kept myself occupied, reading books or just watching and listening. We rapidly outgrew those stools, but as soon as we did there were other cousins who grew up enough to sit on them. And so began the long line of shared memories of those stools.

At my parents house I had a child-sized version of my family's rocking chair (what can I say, I loved to sit and read). I am going to go through all of my old things this summer and see what I can ship over!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I have realised that every month I have a couple of days where I feel over emotional, overwhelmed, angry with the world and generally rubbish. I have now through a bit of rational thought and observation realized that this is the couple of days when I ovulate and it is hormonal. 

So here is this months wobble - My little cousin is getting married in September and I just had a realization that if her and her husband start trying straight away she will probably be a Mummy before me  . She is 24 and the age I really wanted to be when having my first. The age all of my older female cousins have got married and  had their first child. I don't want a pregnancy I just want to be a Mummy without having to suffer any more. I told my DH what I was worrying about yesterday because he knew something was up. He just hugged me and said there's nothing I can do about that Princess. 

I know I just need to belt up and get on. But on these two days of the months I just wonder why life always chooses to make things so hard and complicated for me. I am just one of those people that always has to run a marathon while everyone else just has a little stroll. Sometimes I just get tired. Tired of fighting on, listening to ridiculous comments / advice - Do people who have never been in our shoes really think in the 5 minutes they have spent thinking about our life they have thought of something me and DH haven't considered while living this for over 4 years? Well so far no one has. I will let you ladies know if they ever do  . 

I guess I just want a little bit of good luck for once. I just want to be allocated an SW super fast, have the adoption process to go smoothly and for us to find a great match really quick. However I know this will never be for me it will be heart brake and challenges because that is how life goes.   . I dread the thought of matching and looking at profiles already it just seems so hard. I think DH is looking forward to that. We discussed what SW approach to matches we would prefer after it was discussed briefly last week and as I knew we want totally different things. I would rather be told nothing till a concrete match is on the cards, no other adopters are being considered at that point and the to be or not to be will be our choice. However DH would like to be shown everything and make choices about whether to be put forward to a child's SW ourselves. He has had his own way on pretty much everything so far and often to the detriment of my health so I think I am going to put my foot down over this one and protect myself first not him. (Strange new relationship dynamic so we will see.) 

However I feel better for typing my self pity out and I apologize to those who are good natured enough to read it. I am looking forward to prep on Wednesday and try and focus on how far we have come and how much we have already survived and got through but it is still hard sometimes. x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The other thing I would like to add is that I am not trying to become a parent for an easy life. I am aware that parenting is hard work and obviously the more children you have it is harder work - I know I don't have personal experience however I have worked hands on with incredibly challenging children for most of my career which does give a little insight and I am not a half wit which also gives a little insight. 

If I wanted an easy life I would sell my house take the equity, buy a beach hut in Thailand and work in a bar while sunbathing the rest of the time. I would not be looking at adoption for an easy life. It does upset me a bit when people obsessively tell me this especially as these people have 2 or 3 children. On a practical level are they trying to tell me that DH and I are much less able to parent than they are so won't cope 

I know this isn't their aim I guess I just don't get what there aim is? If you want a family it's hard work, if you want to adopt it's harder work than most peoples families, if you want more than one child it's harder work. Anything is life worth doing is hard work. There is no easy life and I am certainly not chasing one.   I am done now I really promise and tomorrow I will be totally focused on the excitement of day 3 of prep, not hormonal and will be the tolerant cheery person I am normally x x x


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## flickJ

Oh honey, I read the thoughts you put down and can relate to a lot of them ........... I have PM you.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Flick you are a star x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Maybe it is a 'grass is greener' thing? I was thinking about this yesterday when I read a post by a single parent who was happy to be single. I thought to myself: gosh, I would be happy to be single, too. But that doesn't meant I would be _happier_. I have a feeling that I would be no better and no worse than I am right now, with HSDad. I would still have the same blind spots, the same habits, the same preferences. I would still grow as a person, engage with the world, have new experiences, get lonely, endure loss, and fall in love.

Why should it be any different with children?

I get it, it won't be the same. If it were, I wouldn't be choosing to be a parent. I'm choosing to have these experiences, to be with these people, to grow in these ways. It will be harder. It isn't the easy route. I'm not sure I have ever had the option of an easy route. Does any easy route exist? Even the greenest grass can be full of fire ants sometimes.

Silly person, whoever said the word 'easy' to you. Shame on them! If people can't cope with the hard way, they should at least be supportive of the people who try. Otherwise the hard way for one of us quickly becomes the impossible way for all of us.

I believe parenting an adopted sibling group is hard but possible. There are sacrifices, but as long as you are realistic about what you and they can achieve, and you are in it for the long haul... You have my support.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

HSM you are always so wise. I know what you mean having children will in some ways change everything and in other ways change nothing.  How you are and how you deal with life persists.  Me and DH are organised and structured people this will sustain through  having children.  People who live fairly laid back fly by your pants kind of lives do so because they always have not because they are parents.  So far everyone I know has tackled parenting with the same approach they take to everything.  There are advantages and disadvantages to any approach but all you can do is try your best and be yourself x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

My mum keeps telling me to 'make the most of it now cos you won't be able to do that when Bluebird comes home!     I just can't see that we do anything now that we won't be able to do with our son.  We might have to change things a little, we'll go out earlier for a meal, we'll have to consider little legs and bed times and packing lots of extra stuff, but really, it's not like we go clubbing every night!   

My friend suggested I ask her if it ruined her life having kids next time she's doom and gloom!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I know Katie we don't do anything that you can't do with a family and wouldn't miss stuff anyway.  It seems to me a lot of people are reasonably resentful about the changes they have had to make for their kids.  Maybe I am wrong but I just don't ever see us  being or feeling like that.  We will just appreciate being a family.  Yes it will be hard and frustrating at times but it will always be what we'd choose x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I know Katie we don't do anything that you can't do with a family and wouldn't miss stuff anyway.  It seems to me a lot of people are reasonably resentful about the changes they have had to make for their kids.  Maybe I am wrong but I just don't ever see us  being or feeling like that.  We will just appreciate being a family.  Yes it will be hard and frustrating at times but it will always be what we'd choose x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Don't know how I managed to double post?  Day 3 of prep today and the obligatory hay fever to accompany me. I'm looking forward to today but also a bit nervous. I think today will be about identity and I don't have a very strong sense of identity.  I have tried to think about it a bit and just think nothing.  Don't get me wrong in myself I'm not bothered I am worried about how it will come across and if SW's will see it as negative.  I am a camelian I am what I need to be in the situation I am in. Although I can come across as talkative etc I am a background person I just do what needs doing and fit in. Probably the result of being in a big family there wasn't time for anything else.  

Also for me growing up I was the maternal one I guess.  I was always going to marry and be a young mum.  That was my identity I never cared about anything else. When that was taken from me I wasn't left with much of a sense of self.  Don't get me wrong I've dealt with this at length in counselling but it doesn't change the fact that I don't have a strong sense of identity after letting that go. Just wish I had a great career or talent to define myself by in these situations.  Xx x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Have a great day, can't believe it's week three already!!! I think you have just described your identity perfectly hun. The maternal onewho looked after younger siblings, works with children and dreams of being a mum. You are the caring, nurturing one. Not a leader but a positive role model, always there always reliable


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hello ladies, 

Didn't have time to post on Wednesday was busy and nephews birthday so went to see him straight from prep etc. Day 4 was good and as normal my worrying was unnecessary.   

Started by looking at childhood memories and thinking about what we take with us into adult life from childhood. The importance and challenges of trying to work out what is significant /important to your child from what they bring. E.g. what should you keep safe for them. 

Then we looked at separation and loss. Exploring the obvious losses and the more subtle losses which can often feel the most significant to the child at that point in time. The importance of maintaining thinks you can to minimize loss. 

Then the authorities early years specialist talked to us. She was really interesting obviously I knew a lot of it from work but it was great to have it put into the perspective of post placement. She played around giving us experiences to help us get into the mind set of the fears a child is likely to feel post placement. She also spoke alot about parents as primary educators which I am a massive believer in. Discussing the vital role parents play in education and how a child should learn far more from their parents than they ever do in nursery / school in the early years. 

Then we had a set of foster carers talk to us about introductions and they role they play preparing children. They were amazing they had their current placed 2 year old with them who is going through intros now. She was cute as a button but very excited to get home because her forever Mummy was round that afternoon  . I just hope that my future Lo's where ever they are have foster carers just like them. Wonderfully selfless. They talked about how easy it is to love, the joy they feel on children being placed, the loss they feel when intros end, the journey they take with kids and how they view themselves as the stepping stone to just fill the gap for children who are waiting for a family. It's making me a bit teary just thinking about it. 

We then looked at how children may reenact trauma to find closure and resolution. We looked at what parents give and the different roles of parents, birth, nurture and legal. 

The head of the Children centers in the authority came and spoke about the services they have and support they can offer us pre and post placement. Will definitely go and see the people who can explain how tax credits etc work because from what I can grasp that's rocket science.  

The Head of Service came to talk to us about matching options concurrency - not for us but good to have the info. Adoption activity days - maybe for us not sure. Exchange days - will definitely attend these. Also answered any questions people have. 

Then we got homework. We had to choose a child's book from a selection. We have to read it and then write a book review focusing on how we could use the book with a child post placement. 

Other progress this week - references are out and CRB's are back all clear and correct. So all in all a good weeks progress. Happy weekend ladies. Just waiting for Lolly to arrive for a chill out day x


----------



## Wyxie

Glad things are progressing well.

Yes, people say stupid things don't they?  I'm sorry to say it doesn't change.  

I do know Mums who have two kids under school age and always seem to have time on their hands to do their hair, makeup, meet up and have lunch, and various other things they seem to do.  I never managed that with Wyxling, with Bladelet here too I'm lucky if I get out the house without sick, poo or wee on me, let alone with make up on!  No it's not easy, but the good bits are worth it.  People who have kids seem to think that those who don't have an unrealistic and idealistic view of parenting, or at least some do, and it's really damn annoying!

I would, however, say that I did change as a person when I had Wyxling placed, because I had to.  I don't mean in terms of knowledge, I just mean in terms of attitude and perseverance and ability to cope or at least get on with things regardless.  I think sometimes children and our complete and total love for them can push us to do for them what we can't do for ourselves, because we value them and their happiness more than we value our own, against life's difficulties.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Wyxie the ways you have changed are beautiful and so in tune with your star of a little girl. Those are the changed I would be more than happy to make. The kind of changes that have been suggested to me is that we'll start eating junk and frozen food all the time instead of healthy. I know some nights we will be shattered and throw in a pizza or have a long transition in diet depending on what they are used to but my children's diet will be important to me. If times were that tough my Mum would prep stuff that I could get out the freezer before my kids were given E numbers and saturated fat for tea every night  . 

I had 3 of our nephews to stay Saturday night and we got up on Sunday had breakfast got dressed etc and went to the park before anyone else was there (we planned it the night before.) It's something I can't wait to do with Lo's the park is opposite my house. We had about an hour till ourselves before others turned up. A little girl came with her dad she had huge dark eyes, was wearing a Disney princess dress with wellies   and running around with real strength and curiosity. Made me think of Wyxling so much had to try not to stare. 

On Sunday it was a friends child's birthday party and another mutual friend is currently having chemotherapy so asked if we would take her two children (she can't go to places where there are lots of people and germs.) So we did and were very glad to. I don't know her youngest as well as I should do so it was really interesting to compare this to post placement (although obviously very different.) I kept looking at the oldest thinking - is that her I need the toilet face? She is recently potty trained. The youngest was a bit teary at first and wanted Mum which is understandable but we did ok despite my various inside worries I think externally we looked fine. Lesson learnt navigating a very public event with children you don't know incredibly well is challenging and I am very grateful for the experience. Normally when I have attended things with kids and there Mum's aren't there it has been my younger sibling or nephews and I know them inside out and feel totally comfortable with how to discipline them and the reaction they will have to that. So all of these things are very helpful to me.  

All in all a good and useful weekend. Here's for a good week for all the ladies on here x x


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## Wyxie

gwyneth27 said:


> The kind of changes that have been suggested to me is that we'll start eating junk and frozen food all the time instead of healthy. I know some nights we will be shattered and throw in a pizza or have a long transition in diet depending on what they are used to but my children's diet will be important to me. If times were that tough my Mum would prep stuff that I could get out the freezer before my kids were given E numbers and saturated fat for tea every night .


Hehe, yeah, well I certainly don't cook every evening the way I used to or would like to, but we manage healthy eating by doing some bulk cooking at the weekend and freezing. With Bladelet here too I even prepare sandwiches for lunch the night before. I still do loads of walking, and it does Wyxling the world of good, I still go swimming and running - my only real me time now. It's hard though, because our children come to us with a lifestyle they're used to, and that can often include a lot of TV and junk food, and changing that at placement can be really hard. I have compromised on TV and a variety of other things, I've had no choice, but stuck to my guns on food and exercise and books for reading with absolutely no bonging noises or buttons to press. 

Both children were used to watching far more TV than I like in foster care, and while I have cut it down considerably, sometimes I just accept it's better for them to sit calmly in front of the box than wind themselves into a right old state and doing god knows what because Mummy has dared to step in the kitchen to get lunch and some drinks. Fortunately, Wyxling tends to prefer things I would class as slightly more educational rather than some of the complete dross which is on kids TV, for which I am grateful.

Sounds like a really good weekend and very useful. Discipline with kids you don't know well is a tough one. I'm hoping that by the time I need to be thinking discipline with Bladelet, probably a good few months down the line, he will be a little more secure.

Hope your last day of prep goes well this week.


----------



## Sq9

Glad things are going well.  Can't believe your prep is nearly done and dusted - the time really is flying by


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Day 4 of prep....
Today was run by one of the Post Adoption SW's in conjunction with our normal two. It was probably the toughest and most thought provoking day and realistically the first day involving 'new information' for me. (Mainly because all the ladies on here have informed me so well   )

We started with our book reviews and how we would use the books. Books in general that can be useful and how to have them in your book collection rather than purchase it and enforce it on your child if a difficult issue has arisen. 

Then we had a talk about all the different levels of contact or the contact continuum. From no contact through to direct free contact in your own homes - not  obviously that they were suggesting that just to help us place and understand levels of contact. 

Then we looked at contact agreements and split into groups each taking on a role adoptive parent, birth parent and child. We read stuff and then agreed from our characters point of view what contact should be. The differences were enlightening to say the least. 

We then had a talk from an adoptive mother who had ended up now being a special guardian to her granddaughter. She discussed the get a two week old baby with 2 sentences of background information experience and compared it with the current level of information her granddaughter is given and how much better this is. She has further grandchildren that are in adoption placements. She and the SW discussed how direct contact was agreed for the siblings and how this has broken down. - This was a very hard hitting story to here but useful however difficult it was to hear. 

An adoptive Father spoke who has 2 girls. They have 6 other siblings they have direct contact with 2 others and birth parents and letter box with the other 4 siblings. It was interesting to hear him talk about managing that and the emotional difficulties and positives it brings. He raised issues that I think and adopter would feel regardless that hadn't occurred to me. 

After that a man in his 50's who was also adopted at 2 weeks spoke. He was fabulous and so well adjusted to be honest just what we needed to restore balance after the very hard hitting story. I am glad we heard it from both ends of the spectrum. He said he never traced birth family till 50 because he was happy and then he just wanted to say thank you for giving me up to BM because he had such a happy life and loved his family so much. He said he didn't and doesn't feel a need to know why he was adopted or further circumstance he just wanted to say thank you for giving me the opportunity of the family I have. 

We then hear from a 19 and 17 year old that are births sisters. They were in foster care together and then the older one was fostered - her decision and the younger was adopted with a younger sibling - her choice. They talked about direct contact and what they got from this. They talked about how this broke down due to them facebooking and the older child giving the younger ones contact details to inappropriate Birth family members. They then reintroduced letter box and gradually direct contact working through the adoptive families concerns. It was very thought provoking and they obviously meant a lot to each other. 

The clear messages they gave us are.........
1. Contact agreements although advisory are not enforceable once you have an adoption order. 
2. Contact needs to be managed carefully and appropriately. 
3. Don't make contact agreements you aren't comfortable with / are unlikely to keep. E.g. Be honest about what you will and won't do or consider. 

The one thought I did have though is that sometimes it's easier to say things when your not involved. These are what I see as potential issues that others didn't perhaps see from their point of view. 

1.If adopters agree to something and then can see it is having a really negative effect on their child then they will break their word but for the good of their child. 
2. Direct contact may not be beneficial for all siblings involved. If you have the child it is beneficial for it is easy to view the other adopters as being selfish however it may not be beneficial for their child and unfortunately only one child can have what is best in that scenario. 
3. After all they have been through I don't believe that adopters make decisions about contact selfishly. I believe that they are faced with very difficult decisions and are weighing many different and hard to compare positives and negatives up against each other. They will be making the decision that they believe is best for their child even if others don't see it that way.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Love reading your overviews of your days on prep, they sound so interesting and thought provoking.  It sounds a really valuable day today and now you are all set up to start HS    hope you hear from your SW really soon and can start pencilling some very important dates in the diary


----------



## Guest

Sounds like your prep group was very informative and you got a lot out of it 

Not long and you will be doing home study  YAY xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So have loved the weather this weekend. I am also impressed with how I have managed waiting for a SW call so far. Have text a couple of old bosses to go and talk to them re adoption reference. Saw one last week and going to e-mail another today. My previous boss has ignored me so far so don't know if she's unhappy with me / unwilling to help but not a lot I can do about that. 

Met some friends on Friday night and some friends of there's were there. I don't drink haven't done for nearly 2 years just suits me. Anyway about 11 pm one of the mutual friends (I've never met before) asked when me and DH were going to have kids. I responded with not sure I don't think being fat would suit me. (Hoping a joke like that would end the conversation.   ) However it didn't. I shall give you a bit of background this blokes girlfriend is currently 7 months pregnant due to having a vomiting bug on the pill (I know because she told a friend when drunk she was planning on stopping the pill and not telling him.) They had a 4D scan booked for 8 am the next day. Anyhow he then lectured us for about 15 minutes about how when you find out you're going to be a parent you don't know how to feel about it and it takes a few months to come to terms with it. Then you feel the child moving etc and it's weird and more real. Bless him I think he was trying to help us. 

The conversation in the evening often turned to how hormonal and moody his wife is. How much of a bollocking he'll get for being out drinking. How hung over he'll be at the scan. During my lecture DH reached over and held my hand and our friends who know our situation both looked very far the other way clearly desperately trying to think how to end the conversation and failing. But it didn't bother me all I could think I wouldn't want to be you. Don't get me wrong I'm not criticizing I have no doubt that they are happy and will be good parents. But when DH and I have a meeting with a SW or FF for an LO the night before we won't be rowing over the phone while he is out drinking. We will be sat home together with the dog checking our list of questions etc. 

I look at so many of the people round me and think that the Dad is only really 50% in the upbringing of the children. Which is fine it works for them all and they are all happy but it isn't for me I am glad I have a man who will be there for us all.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Yay for loving and present partners!


----------



## lynsbee

Hi Gwyneth, 
Hope you don't mind me popping by your diary, I have just had a quick read through a lot of it...I was in tears with some of it and other parts were like they had been taken from my diary on a forum I used before!
I saw at the start you put about your age...I'm 28 was the youngest by a few years on our prep course. I was only 21 when I got married and 23 when we starting looking into ivf (nearly couldn't get funding because of my age) I do find the age thing all quite strange.....when we were trying to be referred for ivf I refused to go back to my actual gp because she kept saying o your still young there's plenty of time.....errr yes I'm young but its something I have wanted and dare I say needed for so long....I know some people just don't want children but similar to you its all I have ever wanted. Since leaving school I have been a nursery nurse in the same place for nearly 12yrs sometimes its been totally heart breaking.
I'm so sorry to of waffled on in your diary! :-/
Love your last comment about having a man who will be there for you x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks for taking the time to read Lynsbee. Sorry for making you cry   this is where I get it all out so when I am upset I off load on it. I worry people will think I am really down all the time - I used to be but I'm definitely not now just have the odd tough days and writing here gets it out my system. 

Well we did our Child and Baby first aid course this weekend - it was good and we are both glad we did it. It was with the British Red Cross someone on here suggested it they will run it as long as there are 2 applicants so you + partner is enough. Our course had 3 of us Me, DH and a woman whose grandchild had started having seizures. She asked how old our children were we said we don't have children yet we are applying to adopt and thought it was a good idea to do a course.  The course leader was very nice and asked if we had any ideas about ages so she could make sure she talked about / gave a bit extra focus to that age range. We said we didn't know yet we wanted siblings so 0 -4  but most likely 18 months - 3. She said most people who book themselves do it re actively i.e. after a medical emergency and she was really impressed that we had done it proactively    . The other woman on the course then said she was adopted and wished us good luck with the process. 

Funny isn't it I tried googling what percentage of the British population are adopted but it didn't bring anything up. The SW's on prep said as soon as you are honest about adoption loads of people tell you how adoption has affected their families seems very true.  

Other than that not a lot to report this end. I've kept busy waiting for the call   saying I'm your SW hopefully should be in the next 10 days now  .  We shall see I just keep telling myself application is in the clock is ticking so long term it doesn't actually affect dates etc so far that's working I'm fairly chilled. 

Hope you all have enjoyed the weekend and the sun x x x


----------



## flickJ

Gwyneth, I do so hope you get that phone call soon    

We are in the same boat and I daren't go out anywhere for a long time in case I miss that important call  , now you have completed your prep course you must just want to get on with the Home Study. When you do get that phone call I am sure the time will fly by for you and your head will be filled with all the good things about adoption.

In our case, I am sure there are things going on in the background (checks being done and paperwork sorted) but you can't help wondering, can you?


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hope you get the call soon sweetie. 

Got everything crossed for you xxxx


----------



## lynsbee

It didn't make me cry in a bad way...if that makes sense, just that kind of reassurance your not alone in  it all.
Hope you get your call soon!!
Good on you for getting the first aid done.....I thought I read somewhere for my area we HAVE to do the first aid course!!...Though I do kind of hope I don't have to as I do pretty much the same course every 3yrs with my work as I look after babies and young children. 
Enjoy the sunshine!! x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Good on you for doing the first aid course hun, I hope you and DH found it useful, and SWs will love to commitment!  You are doing so well waiting for the call, I know you worried how you would be with the waiting, so I am really pleased you are finding it ok.  Either way I hope it's really soon   Big hugs for you, DH and puppy man!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Lynsbee it is great to know you are not alone. I am keeping up with your diary too so fingers crossed all runs quickly for us both. I have done pediatric first aid a number of times for work and DH has done emergency first aid etc a lot working in construction but we found doing a Baby and Child course that focuses on parents really useful. It looked at stuff like fever and febrile seizures, meningitis which I hadn't focused on that much before. Just common childhood issues that you face at home. Also looked at the common causes in the home of things like burns not just how to treat. FYI most common the sun get that factor 50 on your LO's ladies.   Obviously as well as the CPR etc. Learnt a version of the recovery position for children under 12 / 18 months depending on development which was new to me. 

Anyway we are getting a first aid kit for the car and various things just to be safe on the amazon wish list along with craft stuff, car seats etc  

At the moment I am mostly excited about Lolly being matched with her beautiful princess   such exciting news. Seeing it work in practice for someone you know gives you lots of faith. Also happy with the number of quick processes from linked to MP to intros that a number of ladies are having at the moment. The post link time scales over the last few months had worried me a bit. Here's to quick paper work ladies and all who fill it in    .


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww thank you so much lovely. Poor thing, I'm gonna keep sending you pictures of my purchases, the excitement may fade!!   Hope puppy man had a lovely swim and you aren't too wet by the time you read this  

Big loves


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well a busy couple of days. Decided in order to show how capable I am of parenting I need to ensure that I am up to date with all medical appointments myself. You know what it is like working and trying to get later appointments   

So yesterday I had my smear - I've been putting it off tbh so fed up after ICSI with people prodding and poking down there. Also I've been a bit scared of going I was very ill and had severe OHSS, couldn't walk for pain after ec and then lost the sensation you get when you need to wee so was really worried about long term damage / consequences of it all. However a year since last ec and I felt ready. 

It was a bit of a comedy sketch show. 
Nurse - Do you use hormonal contraception. 
Me - No 
Nurse - (In a voice clearly indicating she thinks I have misheard / mis understood her question while staring at my stomach) You DON't use any form of hormonal contraception?
Me - No 
Follow awkward silence while Nurse again stares at my stomach. So I decide that she isn't doing this test that I have spent a morning sick with worry about unless I explain. 
Me - My husband is infertile. 
Nurse - (relieved look on face) that's great, fantastic come through. 

Officially the strangest reaction ever. We then proceeded to have further comedy while she told me she was using the medium sized thing to do it and I pointed out that small would be better (erm never given birth and proud to be in tact thanks.) Luckily I found the whole experience strange and comical but I'm glad I delayed when that was due 10 months ago I would have cried my eyes out at that experience. Sorry probably way to much info but you know me I always share with you ladies. 

Dentist today - they were lovely I only go every 12 months because teeth tend to be good last time I had been I delayed x-rays because I was on my 2ww. Dentist managed to be very sensitive and after he checked teeth saying they were excellent   . I said I think I'm due x-rays Dentist responded I noticed on your notes you'd delayed x-rays. We are happy to delay as long as you want or take them today if you prefer we will do what's best for you. I said today is fine so they were done and no issues. Perhaps send the Nurse to the Dentist for some training on handling patient issues sensitively  

But that's all medical appointments up to date for now   Except I still haven't given the Dentist our new address we really like them and have NHS spots which are hard to find so don't want to get kicked out based on geography. I slyly tried to find the areas they cover today. I said My MIL wants to move Dentists to here what are your NHS patient boundaries? Unfortunately receptionist said it's not that simple it's allocated by the PCT we can't take NHS patients direct she needs to call this number and they will allocate a dentist however we are full for NHS patients currently so she is unlikely to be allocated to us now. 

Gutted thought I was being really clever. 
Had a pretty heavy week at work nothing I'm in trouble based just a lot of hard issues going on for kids and their families - that serious I'm afraid I can't even off load on here    looking forward to this week being over really so there can be some closure. 

But I am loving the sunshine and can't wait to have a BBQ or something at the weekend. x x x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I chickened out of my smear recently.  Actually my husband accidentally locked me in the house, but in my opinion he was psychologically attuned to my reluctance. ;-) and it is informed reluctance, as I've already had one a few years back. 

I heard that dentistry is changing so people won't need to register at a specific dentist anymore, but go with whomever you choose that has an appt available?


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh hope not really like ours x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Our dentist is 20 miles away they where happy to keep us when we moved out if the area I'm sure you'll be fine honey xx


----------



## Billybeans

Hi Gwyneth, I know it's been a while but I am just catching up in your diary. Hope you are well, sounds like you have had lots going on with prep and various appts.
You made me chuckle a little when you had your smear. I have mine recently and just received the letter today with the all clear - phew! Don't know why I was worried but I was. I asked for the little instrument too!! the nurse obliged! Although why did they ask you about protection? They have never asked me before?
Nice to catch up in your diary. I think of you often.
xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Not sure I know they can't do it if they think you are pg.  Hope the work schedule isn't too much.  Lovely hearing from you Billybeans x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

A friend said the most beautiful thing to me yesterday. 

She told me she wanted to get married in November and then her eyes filled up with tears and she said and you and DH are the reason why.  

I said what do you mean? Both her and her DP have divorced parents and haven't seen the point in marriage (which is fair enough in this day and age you don't need to marry). 

She said You have shown me what a marriage is. Seeing you and DH go through so much and putting someone else first when your hurting so much and staying together no matter what the world throws at you. That's a marriage, I know it sounds stupid but I haven't seen that before my parents didn't show me that and I didn't understand it. And that's what we want we want to stand together and be there for each other however awful things are. To know that no matter what your not on your own, so thank you   

Never thought at 28 I would manage to show someone what a marriage is had to try really hard not to cry   
That's the first time anyone including myself has ever acknowledged how much my marriage has been through in a short space of time and complimented me for making it work when many others would have crumbled. 

A happy end to an otherwise really emotionally hard week. Happy BBQing people x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww that is beautiful made me fill up  

Hope you have a lovely weekend planned 

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## Sq9

What a lovely thing for her to say  . Have a great weekend xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

That is so beautiful, and such a massive compliment to your marriage and you and hubby. Life has thrown massive challenges your way and you have come out stronger than ever and fighting. You have inspired your friend and that says more than any words ever will   Glad your week is over, hoping your weekend makes us for it hun, family time in the sun. You know where I am xxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Wow super compliment! Such a special thing!!! Marriage certainly is a journey of discovery! 
Xxxxx x


----------



## lynsbee

Aww, what lovely words and a HUGE compliment to you two too!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies, 
So much happening on here at the minute loving all the great news. Still waiting for SW but doing okay had a lot to get through etc as my lovely Lolly knows. The positive is they said we'd here in 2 to 3 weeks and Wednesday is 3 weeks so I will feel fine about calling them then if we haven't heard so either way within the 48 hours I'll have more information   . 

I finish for the summer break tomorrow so plenty of time to chase up after that. Also on another positive I'm currently trying to arrange a get together for my prep group and quite a few are up for it which is good just going through the nightmare of co-coordinating a time when a group of unconnected people are free   . Really hope that people stay in touch through this all would be good people seem nice. Also my area doesn't have an adoption UK group so there isn't really something there to jump into so trying to create my own could be good.  

My parents are home tomorrow after being away for nearly 5 weeks so that's nice. My 18 year old brother has been home alone so I went and spent about 3 hours cleaning the house yesterday. Coming back to a dirty house when you have had a long journey and have major jet lag - not fun. 

DH made me laugh on Saturday - he had to work Saturday morning. So I said what is morning home at 12 or home at 3 pm. He said no just morning definitely not 3. So after a call saying he was going to be a bit late and guess what time he pulled onto the drive exactly 3 pm   . So he took me out for a nice pub tea to make it up to me. We chatted about life etc and DH said he was excited to start HS. I said I thought you hated people poking into your life. DH said well you never know I might learn something about myself. Very sweet. 

Other than that having a fairly chilled day today I hope. Enjoy your weeks ladies hope it beings steps forward for us all.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

We have a SW      

We have been outsourced I think. Our SW isn't one of the SW's that ran our prep course which is a shame as they were all lovely however I am sure our SW is lovely too. Will keep you posted on meetings etc when I know. I have currently given SW's number to DH because I am on holiday and available all day everyday DH is working so we'll have to book round his and SW's commitments. I haven't made any plans because I've not wanted anything to be in the way. 

Only thing booked is a pedicure tomorrow. She wanted to come Friday but DH can't really do that so hoping they sort something ASAP. She said she will bring the forms for our medicals so we can get them done and she has e-mailed me a load of work sheets. She said don't be overwhelmed she just wants me to have an overview of the whole process and the kinds of questions she will explore so me and DH can start discussing stuff etc.     Anyone who knows me will know a load of work sheets is right up my street. 

The more stuff the better I say.   

Hope you're all well loads of love me. x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

First hs on Monday afternoon x x


----------



## Billybeans

That's amazing Gwyneth, Monday not long at all. So excited for you  really am. What your friend said about your relationship with DH and how you have influenced her decision is just so inspiring, you should be proud of yourself as a couple and a mum and dad to be


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay so happy for you   xxx


----------



## flickJ

I am so happy for you Gwyneth   another step forward on the road to your family     Good luck on Monday


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Such exciting news, I can't wait until Monday to hear all about how fab it went


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

DH is an actual nightmare   SW originally wanted to come Friday afternoon but DH said he simply couldn't get home on Friday afternoon so rang her and arranged Monday. Now he's just come home and said someone has rung him and said he has to do a course on Monday. So he is going to call and try and change it to Friday. He has promised me he won't be this much of a pain if he has more notice. He better not   

I'm not cross with his I just want it sorted and obviously SW can't plan future times etc till we have met her. I just want to be sorted and I am worried she will have booked someone else in for Friday   .  Will let you know when I do, time 3 lucky hey fingers crossed.


----------



## Sq9

great news gwyneth. You should get quite a few appointments booked in at your first session so hopefully will be easier to plan in future.  My hubby is self employed too and it actually turned out really well for hs as he blocked out the whole day from his diary so didn't book any work in, so we've had some lovely trips out on a school day! 
Good luck


----------



## flickJ

Oh hun, I hope you do get it sorted - I know exactly how you feel 

DH is in a strong position at work in that he can flex his hours or even work from home if needs be  , but on the down side he keeps being called into meetings or tele-conferences at a moments notice, and worst of all he is due to fly of to europe soon on business and his work tend to let him know at the eleventh hour  

Everyday he seems to come in and say " there is a problem and the validation has been put back"

I am like you in that I just want it all to go smoothly and to make plans


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah thanks Flick you are always so lovely   . Hope work stopping pulling poor DH all over the place   and you get news about your application soon now they have it   . 

Well 1st HS is now tomorrow afternoon DH has told me at lunch time today. 

Today I have walked to the vegetalble plot and back with the dog. 
Weeded my vegetable plot and picked tons of berries with my beautiful nephew   . 
Then had a pedicure my treat to myself. 
Then typed up DH's about the applicant answers and then typed up mine. 
E-mailed the SW with the answers and directions to our house. I can honestly say I am knackered. 

Tomorrow morning - Clean the whole house from top to bottom
Walk the legs off the dog so he is placid when SW visits
Buy biscuits to bribe SW into liking us with 

Will update tomorrow if I have enough energy to type by the evening  

Excited / terrified right now x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahhhh, it's like Christmas eve!! Except more cleaning   you will be great and it will be brilliant and you will have such a positive feeling after you will be buzzing    and knackered!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay so excited for you xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

Hope first hs goes well, I'm sure you'll be great!

Cs x


----------



## Sq9

Good luck for tomorrow. One step closer to your dreams coming true


----------



## Wyxie

gwyneth27 said:


> Ah thanks Flick you are always so lovely  . Hope work stopping pulling poor DH all over the place  and you get news about your application soon now they have it  .
> 
> Well 1st HS is now tomorrow afternoon DH has told me at lunch time today.
> 
> Today I have walked to the vegetalble plot and back with the dog.
> Weeded my vegetable plot and picked tons of berries with my beautiful nephew  .
> Then had a pedicure my treat to myself.
> Then typed up DH's about the applicant answers and then typed up mine.
> E-mailed the SW with the answers and directions to our house. I can honestly say I am knackered.
> 
> Tomorrow morning - Clean the whole house from top to bottom
> Walk the legs off the dog so he is placid when SW visits
> Buy biscuits to bribe SW into liking us with
> 
> Will update tomorrow if I have enough energy to type by the evening
> 
> Excited / terrified right now x x


Great news about your HS starting. I hope things go well.

Also, just had to reread as I'm absolutely knackered, and what I read the first time was:

Today I have walked to the vegetalble plot and back with the dog. 
Weed in my vegetable plot and picked tons of berries with my beautiful nephew  .

What is probably more telling about life with kids is that it took me a minute to realise what I'd read the first time must be wrong! Life becomes such a blur of bodily fluids at times, I've been sporting a fine sheen of sweat, snot and drool for the last week, and both kids have weed on me today.

Let us know how you get on. 

All the best,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Frangipanii

As if she wont like you....you maka me laugh! Enjoy it it is definitely exciting!!!! 
Lots of love f x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thinking of you today honey. 

Big hugs xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Good luck Gwyneth - I'm sure it will all go well for you


----------



## Billybeans

Hi Gwyneth, Hope today has gone well


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thinking of you; hope it has gone well!


----------



## Wyxie

Likewise.  I'll look forward to hearing how it went when you get a moment!

Wyxie xx


----------



## Frangipanii

Hoping all has gone great!! Its the start of the next stage!!! Weird as it feels like you should be at same stage as us all . We will follow your journey every step of the way x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I am so sorry ladies haven't made it on the forum all weekend for various reasons I will get to shortly. Just spent over an hour catching up on everyone's news sorry I haven't managed to comment on much.  

Well SW came on Friday and we like her   I was nervous because DH made me promise if we didn't like our SW we would pull out and reapply with another agency in 6 - 12 months time. We are very private people and simply couldn't cope with discussing our lives with someone we don't feel comfortable with. 

SW is also from the area I grew up in which put me at ease,  we're like that where I'm from love finding another of you're away (not wanting to give anything away   ) 
SW is a dog lover which was another concern of ours and I have to say doggy was very good just mostly lay about on the floor. 
SW is experienced - I really didn't want a newby who would be scared to make judgments and decisions. I wanted someone with the confidence experience brings. 

Here's a big part of why I haven't been on. She told us she is on a short contract and due to finish and because of that she wants to get us to September panel   I nearly fainted. We are very grateful that they want to rush us through it is definitely what we want but it was a massive shock. We think it'll be October because there is just too many logistics involving others that I can't see us being able to achieve by September i.e. contacting all my previous employers for one. However it has left us with a huge amount of homework to do and very little time to do it - which again is fine but obviously has meant I haven't made it on here. Since Friday as well as making Blackcurrant jam with my nephew most of Saturday (this was a pre Friday meeting promise and had to be honored.) We have spent about 10 hours doing stuff for tomorrow's session and I think I'll be spending another 4 or 5 today. 

She also asked about matching and said that she saw no reason for us to wait there are a lot of sibling groups in our area, we are being realistic about age and we have lots of things and space to offer. We have gone with a neighboring LA - she actually said I'll be amazed if we need to look outside of our own books to match you. You're an open and shut case, you're my easy couple, I can just tell you'll be organised and everything will be simple. Hope she's not tempting fate there   

DH and I have made the decision to keep all this to ourselves for now. We thought we'd go to panel January so that is what everyone round us thinks. We are leaving it as that for the time being because we would rather just tell people at the other end that it is done. Obviously you lot aside   . We love our friends and family dearly and they are very supportive particularly my parents and our siblings but I think we need a bit of time to compute everything and deal with the pressures alone. The way I look at it is no one tells the world the day they do a pg test they have that 12 weeks we need that time I think. Also I am acutely aware that there is a strong chance things won't go to plan and I want to shield my family from upset and disappointment if it doesn't. 

Luckily I have Lolly to chat to so I am not alone. Right best walk the dog and tackle the things I need to e-mail to SW by this afternoon. Love people update soon me x x x x x

Oh and I also have to make jam tarts with the jam another promise I can't break x x x

P.S I work in education so I am off work for the next 5 / 6 weeks thank the lord otherwise we'd have no chance lol


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I've paid it before and I'll say it again.... wooooooooooooo!!!!!   Sounds a crazy busy weekend, hope the homework has gone well and you have another great session coming up. You're never alone hunny   But are you sure you have time to meet up this weekend?!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Defintely I'll need a bit of sanity and time away from the laptop. Really am walking the dog now


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Yeah I bet!! Can't wait to catch up, think you summed it up when you said the boys won't know what's hit them!! Although saying that maybe they'll be just as bad!!


----------



## Frangipanii

Wow really fabulous  news!!!! That is amazing!!!! So very pleased for you. It is going to keep you busy but I guess maybe you will like some of the homework!!! Ha ha jam tarts and panel news what a weekend. X x x


----------



## sass30

Thats fab news gwyneth27 it really is. To get to panel early is amazing.


----------



## Wyxie

Well that's a bit of a whirlwind isn't it?  I think your home study timetable doesn't sound too unrealistic if your SW is the one driving it.  We had 2 1/2 months from the start of our HS to panel when we were first assessed.  Our SW wanted us to get to panel quickly for various reasons which I could guess at but I never asked.  At the point we started our HS all our references were in however, and the medical was done.  It sounds like you'll be keeping busy.  As you said, good job it's the summer holidays for you.  It sounds like perfect timing though and something to keep you very occupied over the summer I'm sure.

Look forward to hearing how things progress.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Took the words right our of my mouth Wyxie last words to my collegues were think I'm going to be bored   little did I know   . 

Right so I've added more detail to our about the applicant forms 
Done our about us as a couple sheets
Filled in the new BAAF application form 
Written our Eco map
Found a couple of photos of us
Spoken to the Bursar who works all summer who is happy to do my work reference as the Head is away till the end of the month. 
Given the SW mobile numbers for as many ex bosses as I can to ask how they would like their reference sending. 
E-mailed all the above to the SW. 

One of our references text and said SW has rung and arranged to meet up with him. 
Gone into the Dr's to try and book medicals they have said they will ring us because it needs an hour each. They've not rung   on my hit list for tomorrow along with finishing family trees. 

Busy busy thanks for all the support ladies lots of love x xx


----------



## Sq9

Wow that is super fast - perhaps your sw could give ours some tips on how to get par done quickly  .  We are also hoping for September panel, but depends on how quickly she can pull everything together and speak to our references.  Sounds like you've got everything in hand and as others have said, if it is the sw wanting to get things done quickly, it will be achievable.  Good luck


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ding ding ding...... round two!!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I know just trying to do family trees now. Bit nervous about today because it will involve proper talking etc. Hopefully all will be fine x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

My parents just rang SW is going to see them tomorrow morning.   She rung them today already good job we're all early risers in my family


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Good news - Family trees are done hope SW is happy with them because it was a nightmare - My huge family don't want to fit on a sheet of A4  

Bad news - GRRR Dr's surgery not only charge ridiculous prices for medicals but are dragging their feet. Went in yesterday about 11 am to ask and they said oh we can't just book them we'll have to call you back. 11 am today - no call so I rang them to check where it's up to.

Receptionist - It's with the practice manager and they are working out when it can be done. They'll ring you hopefully by the end of this week   . 
Me - (politely said) I don't know if you have heard on the news but the adoption process is really being speeded up so we have very little time. We really need these medicals to be done this week or next week at the latest. 
Receptionist - yeah we'll ring you back when we can.  

Going to ring everyday and then if no word by Friday I think I will write to the practice manager stating my upset as I feel they are discriminating against us because if I was Pg they would not make us wait in this manner for the medical care I needed. We are adopting and this is the medical care we need to become parents and they have a duty to support and accommodate us with the same level of priority as pg people. Well we'll see how brave I'm feeling and how helpful they are being.


----------



## Billybeans

Gwyneth, this is amazing news, wow, you must be in a spin. No time to think hey? Dr's how annoying! I hope they pull their socks up. I will be trying to pop on as often as I can and I will try not to blink or I might miss something 
xx


----------



## Wyxie

Our Doctors were a nightmare too first time round.  Have you tried calling and asking to speak to the GP's secretary?    In all our local GP practices it's the secretaries who type up reports and prepare invoices for them and that's always who I dealt with professionally, so when I hit a brick wall I decided to bypass the receptionists.

Wyxie


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Wyxie that's a good tip. X


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

It's so annoying that in order to get anything done you have to keep pestering when you really shouldn't have to   Do they not know they are messing with people's lives and feelings   The thing is the don't know who they're messing with here...  

Ooh, can't wait to hear how you got on today


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Today was good wasn't anywhere near as invasive as I expected.  She said we'd given a lot of detail and information in our homework which is good.  I find writing it easier. 

She asked about discipline and why I want to stay at home.  We discussed my brothers difficult teenage years.  DH's brother and nephews disability.  Why we both disliked secondary school.  Our relationship how we deal with stress who we turn to.  

Was here just over an hour and a half.  All referee interviews are booked.  Just the medical to get on top of.  

Thanks for all the support ladies


----------



## crazyspaniel

Gwyneth,
So glad things are moving along well, it seems like you've been waiting to get going so long  
CS xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow, you covered a lot!!  So glad it went well.  I really hope you can sort the medical ASAP


----------



## gettina

Glad it went ok Gwyneth. Nice to get the first one under your belt and the referees contacted.
Drs are a total nightmare and you simply need to keep on top of them. Mine were awkward - they only did medicals every second tuesday 12-1 etc!! It's just little hoops to jump through though.
good luck
gettina x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Gettina glad we're not the only ones with awkward doctors   . Mum rang as soon as SW left she said it was fine much less intense than they were expecting. SW mainly asked about our relationship and what kind of parents they thought we'd be. 

Well homework for Friday is looking at childlessness and support network. Got to think who we'd have as guardians for Lo's if we both died. Pretty heavy considering we don't know anything about them yet    but that said I do 100% understand why they ask. They have to be sure that Lo's are totally absorbed into your family and treated like other children but it's a horrible thing to think about. 

Thought yesterday that I was doing really well not being knackered after all the homework and the session. Turns out I've crashed and burned today I'm exhausted so have been kind to myself and chilled out day. Tomorrow and every Thursday I am helping a friend with her three children under 4. Thought it would be good experience to see what she struggles to get done etc and how to best balance the needs of multiple Lo's. We used to have our 3 nephews a lot at those ages but they are a lot older now and nothing like the hard work they used to be at that age   . 

Still nothing helpful from the Dr feel like it may be the glitch that lets us down   . SW told my parents that we are going to be the fastest case she has ever worked on. I am so grateful to be moving so fast but it also throws me into a state of panic there is so much that can go wrong between now and then and it's only 5  weeks and 2 days away.   However I am so glad we aren't just being left in limbo land you know maybe it'll be next month , month after etc depends when I can write your PAR. That would drive me mad and I know people in that position will think I'm being a total brat so sorry ladies. My main worry is if we don't get done for September and SW leaves and then we have to start again or something with another SW. DH says I'm daft and they'd just have to extend her contract but I have to explore the worst possible outcome in my mind that's my defense mechanism. 

As I've said before I'm never the lucky one. I'm not the girl who gets rushed to panel, has a quick match and has a great life. I guess after so much distress and let down I find it hard to put my faith in this and say this is our moment we deserve a bit of good luck. 

xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahh hun, very similar to my post yesterday. Different circumstances but same outlook, 'what have we done to deserve this good fortune?' But go and read what you said to me and know that all will be fine, brilliant in fact, and you sound to be in very good hands. so excited for you


----------



## Sq9

Your sw wouldn't be saying it was possible if she didn't think it was doable.  Completely natural how you are feeling - it is really hard after all you've been through to let yourself enjoy the process and to believe that things could be going your way, but it sounds like you deserve a change in fortune. Take it one step at a time and keep pestering your doctor like crazy!


----------



## Handstitchedmum

It's very much to each his own, I think...as it would terrify me to move that quickly!!! I am glad you are getting things the way you want them (for once?). It sounds like you have a nice SW.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

HSM when she said it I thought HSM would not be happy with that   as you say each to there own. I am an impatient person always have been. I am very patient with people but not with processes I want things done now and don't see the point in waiting. 

My parents and a sibling have said they are happy to be nominated as guardians for our children which is good. DH has said if we divorced then me and kids would stay here and he would rent near by or stay with family short term if money was really tight. 

Had a fab day with beautiful kiddies. Helping out a friend with her 3 under 4. Her and her husband are one of our references SW see's them on Monday. Had a lovely picnic in the park and met her 2 nephews so had 5 under 5 instead   . I am loving this weather I must say. 

HS number 3 tomorrow afternoon. Childlessness (what a barrel of laughs.)  but when it's done it's done ladies. 

Must remember to ask what they want us to write about DH's income. He has a limited company so it's not that simple. 

I am determined to make it out on a run tomorrow.


----------



## lynsbee

WOW hun your speeding through!!!!
We will probably have our last SW visit next wk and none of it had been anywhere near as intrusive as I thought it was going to be!! Good luck with it all x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Lynsebee, 

Well I went and spoke to the practice manager today about medicals she was really nice and said she will do all she can to try and get them done ASAP. I explained our situation and said it's the new system it's 4 months from start to finish etc all has to be done incredibly fast and we were worried about missing our panel date. I aplolgised for the short notice but explained we only met SW a week ago and couldn't book before. She was really nice and said previously they had always had a 2 or 3 months time frame to fit them in and hadn't done any in the new time frames. 

She was booking appointments for mid September because they can't have to many private medicals because it takes so many appointments and they have to have a certain percentage of available appointments. She has told me she will speak to all the Dr's and see if any of them are willing / able to do them out of surgery hours so other appointments aren't affected.       that one of them has a connection to adoption in some way and is willing to stay late / come in early. No other real updates cross your fingers and toes for me ladies. x x x x


----------



## Sq9

I have everything crossable crossed


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks SQ9. Well a GP has agreed to work on their day off to do them which is very kind but they are on holiday now so can't do it till 27th August which is cutting it very fine but there isn't anything more I or the surgery can do really. 

Friday's session ended up being a change of tact I e-mailed the stuff to SW in a funny format so she couldn't open it. We ended up discussing contact and other things you need to consider when matching. I think she wants a really clear picture from us but it's hard because there are practical boxes but there also has to be what I call the lurch. They need to make your heart tug and that is a quality that can't be met by ticking boxes. 

We talked quiet a bit about siblings in other placements etc which is something I needed to do. SW said in honesty if your Lo's don't have siblings in another placement it is 90% because they are the start of the many children and a large number of subsequent children will follow. In reality very few Lo's go through and don't end up with additional siblings placed elsewhere. I think that was a very important thing for me to hear and something I need to chew over. As I explained to SW my issue is not that I have a problem with contact it is the total opposite I will want them to have loads of contact. I will want them to have their siblings in their lives and I am acutely aware that others are likely to feel differently. SW talked to me a lot about why I felt this was necessary if my Lo's have never lived with or known them it is a very different form of sibling. They need to know about each other but they don't need a relationship in fact it may be a negative thing for them to do so. 

Lots of consider. SW seems very on our side and is encouraging us to rule things out rather than in. So far so good love me x x x


----------



## Frangipanii

Hi Gwyneth, reading your post makes me reflect on home study. I quite miss it. 
You are right there is a lot to consider. I think contact is a funny one. As you know my feelings are mixed. From  personal experience I have two half sisters  and a half brother. They want nothing to do with me and even as an adult I found that hard but there was never the option when I was younger.  I dont think contact is always a good idea. Sometimes it is better to learn things as an adult and be protected as a child. I love how open you are and totally unselfish.  Hs seems to be going well. I am so pleased for you  x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well ladies you know me why tackle one thing at once when you can do 8002   . We have been and bought carpet for the hall, landing and stairs today. They are measuring for it tomorrow and then fitting it in about 2 and a half weeks. There is no carpet on our stairs so it needs to be done before the health and safety assessment which means doing it before September. Anyway it worked out cheaper than we expected due to a tip on a reasonable carpet shop from a friend so we are also getting 3 of the bedrooms done. We only needed to pay for a few extra meters to get them done from the off cuts our landing in an L shape so involves a lot of wastage. 

However we would need to re-carpet them for placement so basically every bedroom but ours will have beautiful new carpet   . We don't mind though as long as our future Lo's have lovely rooms ours can stay as it is. 

Now here's they million things to do - I now need to paint all the woodwork before the carpets are fitted   . It's a mammoth task on top of everything else but we'll be so happy when it is done. We just thought we'd have till January to do all this but we are very grateful it's been this way and we're getting on top of everything now. (We hope!) 

SW was very impressed with all our answers about parenting and lifestyle etc god bless FF and all the stories I've read. We wrote about funneling, over affection with strangers representing confusions over care giver, lock down, co-sleeping, routine it goes on   thanks ladies your the best. 

She also mentioned a profile she wants to show us but the head of service wasn't in to okay her to bring it. We're not getting our hopes up and we don't think they'll be the ones but it did give us the shove up the bum we needed to get carpet etc on the go. It's one pink one blue apparently 2 and 3. SW raised it very casually and said did we feel ready to look at profiles yet? She was aware we may feel a bit rushed. We said we would look at profiles because the right match comes when it comes you can't really put a time scale on it. 

Got a lot of work to do ladies wish me luck x x


----------



## Billybeans

So pleased you have got a date for the medicals even if you have to wait a few weeks. So exciting about the house stuff and getting new carpets...
We have just had central heating fitted. Next step is the flooring, so lino, carpets and laminate. Still a way to go before we are ready for them though.
Hope you are well hun, I keep popping by for updates


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Billybeans I think about you a lot and hope that you're okay and not too over worked because I know how mega busy you are. Can't believe you manage to do stuff round the house too you're like super woman. 

Also forgot to say earlier after going to Lolly and DF's house last week DH has decided he wants white wood work and light wood doors like them so we are also debating doors. We have realised that we need to sort out the floor in the downstairs toilet before the carpet so we have the tiles under the door plate on the carpet. That means perhaps we should replace the toilet and sink too   . Oh yeah plus we haven't grown a money tree in the garden so just doing sums for all that plus money needed to settle Lo's. Gosh this adoption stuff is complex at times but we love it


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Glad to have inspired hubby hun!!     Good luck getting it all done, I truly think YOU are a superwoman too! I know you'll do it and it will be amazing! Hope you get your homework sorted tomorrow. I know you've only just started but equally it feels like you are nearly there  

Big   as ever lovely xxx


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## Sun Flower

I love reading your diary gwyneth, you are inspirational and your hard work and lists of homework, really motivate me.  Makes me want to run upstairs and start decorating the nursery!   love it

Good luck this week, hope you tick lots of things off your 'to do list' 

Sunflower x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah thanks Sunflower that's a lovely thing to say. I sometimes worry I am too honest - I think it's because I am very private in real life that this is like my outlet for all things truly me


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well we are booked onto an adoption activity day next month   SW just asked if we wanted to go on one I asked DH (thinking he's say no) and he said well we've thrown ourselves into it so far we may as well give everything a go. Think it will be difficult but useful. So much to do before then it feels a long time away. If anyone else is booked on one in September PM me in case it's the same one would be good to know someone. 

Next SW visit Friday teatime. Got a bit teary yesterday I am so happy with our journey but I find the thought of the stage between HS and Matching totally overwhelming. The thought of competitive matching, loving a profile then finding something in the CPR that means it won't work and feeling heart broken, waiting with no idea when it'll end - it all feels incredibly hard. I guess we have done a lot of heart brake and hurt and I just don't relish having to cope with any more   . I know I need a good kick up the bum    DH says he is really excited to see lots of profiles he thinks it's the best bit. We are so different it's a miracle we have so much to say to each other x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I have found my adoption song Emma said her is Michael B - Just haven't met you yet. Well mine is Neil Young - Pretty Amazing Grace. It just came on the radio today when I was thinking about everything while washing and taping woodwork to start painting tomorrow. I've never heard it before and I decided that's the song. It says

Everything I found 
Beauty and love surround me 
You freed me from what I fear 
Ask for amazing Grace and you appear 
You overcame my loss of faith and hope
Gave me a truth I could believe in 
You lead me to a higher place 
Showed me love, hope, truth and grace was what I needed

A little idealistic I know but some of the lyrics particularly you overcame my loss of faith and hope I really pray will be true when we find our LO's. There's nothing wrong with being realistic in your head while holding and ideal end goal in your heart. Here's a link if you're interested.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww powerful words hun, made me well up! Sorry you had a tough day. Hope you managed to chat with hubby and get some perspective. I think being so out of control of the situation can be so hard, the unknown is horrible, but you are such a strong lady and all will be just fine


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## Frangipanii

Thanks for your words on other post. Just wanted to say you make me feel like I do matter and I am important and not a raving luny!!!! Means a lot!!
As for your feelings.....I felt much the same but it is easier than you think. Get through panel empowers you with strenght and energy to carry on. And you will always have people around you to help you digest everything and work out how you feel. Remember how strong you are and how wonderful. 
Lots of love x x x


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## Sq9

xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Big hugs sweetie xxxxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hello my avid followers   , 

I have been super busy since Wednesday last week. 
Wednesday I taped up all day 
Thursday I painted the first coat of primer all day 
Friday I finished the first coat of primer all morning SW visit in the afternoon 
Saturday I painted a second coat of primer all day 
Sunday I sanded down the already painted wood work all day 
Today I painted the first coat of top coat all day after wiping down first. 

I am exhausted. DH has been at work but this weekend he ripped out the down stairs toilet and laid tiles in there. It had carpet no good for little ones toileting   . It also needed doing and we didn't want to have it re-carpeted with the rest obviously so decided now was the time to sort it. 

He has bought a new toilet and sink after work today which he will put in tomorrow. Tomorrow I am doing some touching up of wall paint in the down stairs toilet - behind where the old things were new ones are a different shape. But after that I am having a rest day before starting on the two other bedrooms and down stairs toilet wood work. I think a day of videos and cuddles with the dog is well in order. 

SW visit on Friday was mainly fact checking and extra bits she was unsure of when writing PAR or questions they may ask her. She also showed us a profile of 2 siblings that a colleague has asked her to show us. They are beautiful and their description is lovely and sounds like they would suit us. However we talked and decided they are not the ones they were lovely but we didn't feel any kind of emotional reaction to them. We really feel that the right match will make our hearts lurch a little. Saying no is a difficult thing especially when there isn't a tangible reason for it if that makes sense. We have said to each other in a few months we may feel differently but right here right now we are waiting till a profile makes us really jump and think they are our children.


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## flickJ

Gwyneth, you really put me to shame - I couldn't do half the things you do  

I'm going to rename you "Wonder woman!", you certainly deserve a day off  

I am sorry to hear the profiles where not right for you, but, as you said, when the right ones come along  - you will know (and well done you for recognizing that).


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

100% tomorrow is your day of rest is much deserved!! Fluffy slippers on, hot chocolate, rubbish TV and comfort food. Plus major puppy cuddles


----------



## Frangipanii

Yeah I agree you are wonder woman.  Hey how hard is tiling. Hubbys good at decorating but I dont know whether to trust him with the tiles!!!! 
Wow profiles...that is super quick but you are right. Heart definitely has to come first. 
Exciting times ahead!!! ♥


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## Mummy DIY Diva

With tiling you need all the right tools to do it too. DH works in construction so is very practical and has a lot of the tools you need.  I would say u tube it and remember that you  need to keep checking they are level  because floors and walls often aren't.  Floors are easier than walls I would guess from watching DH do both.  If you are happy and can afford to pull them up and pay someone if it goes wrong I would say go for it.  If not try a trial somewhere discreet . Thanks ladies chilling it is. I think at the minute I am  being powered by the adrenaline of the nesting instinct.  I keep thinking about children's SW visiting and it powers me on x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I think I'm addicted to DIY we have now decided to paint all our ceilings on top of the woodwork. However that will mean that we have painted everything in the house   but again we need to get most of it done before the carpet comes in 9 days. After this I will sleep for the 5 days before I return to work. 

My days rest became a half day because I decided to paint the woodwork in the downstairs toilet - it's only little and just thought the sooner the better. The problem with woodwork is that it's a 3 day cycle due to the 3 coats of paint and required drying times   . But I will win   . And if an SW doesn't comment on the lovely fresh looking decor at some point    ha ha only joking. I'll invite Lolly and DF round for that.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I will be sure to say 'oooh' and 'ahhh' in all the right places  

(You are a glutton for punishment BUT it will look amazing  )


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well today I have glossed in the downstairs toilet.
First coat on another bedroom and the dining room
My Mum and I have put a first coat on the landing and 1 bedroom ceilings. 

Me and DH are laughing about the fact the toilet is going to be the first totally finished room in our house. We never go in it   but we figure Lo's go to the toilet about 75 x a day so all good. 

However trauma of the day. In the summer I leave the back door open a lot. Dog can flit in and out and it keeps the house aired. Well today a bird flew in and sat on my front room window. Birds in close proximity / enclosed spaces freak me out - I know pathetic but if you actually experience it it's not nice. Well the dog thought it was brilliant and managed to escape the dinning room that I locked us in and traumatise the bird which meant it jumped round pooing all over my windows   . Luckily my parents were coming over to help me paint and my Dad got it out for me   . I had tried phoning DH and he didn't deem it important enough to leave work for   . 

Anyhow -  tomorrow I need to paint the toilet ceiling 2x coats 
2nd coat on the bedroom and dinning room
2nd coat on some ceilings. 

Oh and we're going to paint our radiators too. Someone gave us a tip that there is spray paint for them that brings them up perfect so we figured that can't be to bigger task.   

SW has contacted today and said it will be October panel due to references and medicals so I'm not surprised but I am a little disappointed. However we have a wedding and an adoption activity day filling 2 of the 4 weekends so hey ho hopefully time will fly. Also it will give me a chance to paint the inside of windows. Every cloud and that.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey hunny  

Sorry you are having to wait a little longer until panel   I'm glad that you had envisaged this from the word go, so not a total shock, although understandably its upsetting and disappointing. Really glad you have lots on to keep you busy and let time pass quickly  

Glad your dad came to the rescue, as I said earlier I felt your pain *shudder*


----------



## Billybeans

Loving the new name DIY DIVA, You did confuse me for a moment though. I wondered where your diary had gone 
We sound very similar with the work on the house! Although I can't do very much yet as I'm waiting for all the manual stuff to be done before I can get my paint brush out!
October will soon be here and I hope it fly's by for you.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Billybeans are you updating anywhere at the moment, I always wonder how you are. We are nearly there with the woodwork now one last coat to do on one last room now. Still have windows to do at some point but I am having a little break first. DH thinks we shouldn't bother but I think it will look better done.   

We have our medicals today so hopefully another box ticked on our parts and the end of our active role really which is a bit scary. I am well we both are doers. This part of the process has suited me yes it has been a lot of work in a very short space of time but I like feeling that I am doing something. The wait till October and then being reliant on others for the rest of the process is not my style but hey ho it's the only way   . Just wish there was something more active I could do. x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well medicals are done.  Posted special delivery so they get to ss by 1 pm tomorrow.  Also I can check they have been received on line.  Tick! Last of our jobs done.  DH is happy he said we're all done now on the way home x  x


----------



## Sq9

You're on the home straight now - panel will be here before you know it


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Touch wood SQ9 then we'll be on the dreaded wait to be matched together x x


----------



## Sq9

Completely dreading that bit


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I know me too 100% . DH is excited he thinks this is the best  bit   . It's hard to contemplate it all not knowing how long you'll wait, how will you know when it's right , saying yes,  saying no. It's all a mine field. X  x


----------



## flickJ

Ooooh, nearly there hun!  

Is it just SW finishing PAR now?  You must be feeling so relieved that it's all done


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Yeah I think so waiting to hear from her to read it. Hopefully it's nearly there now how's all the homework going  x x x


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## Billybeans

Another few ticks off the list DIY DIVA  
I have a diary in the TTC naturally section, I update every now and then but people can't reply to it so it feels like no-one is reading. I am hoping to be in this section one day but we have got so much stuff to sort first that it feels like we are an age away.
I will pop in now to my diary as I can't remember when I last updated it.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I had seen that and was following but didn't know if you were still using it x x


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## Billybeans

Yes I still use it every now and then. I updated a couple of weeks ago.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Aww hun just seen this, Yay for medicals! You are done   and now we wait... (and paint  )


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## Handstitchedmum

Well confused by the name change!! I like it, though.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sorry HSM have you had your holiday and spoke to family yet? If so hope it went okay xx


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## Handstitchedmum

DIY Diva said:


> Sorry HSM have you had your holiday and spoke to family yet? If so hope it went okay xx


Currently on holiday but have not yet told family!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm guessing you will have spoken to them by now HSM and I hope it went well. However I would say that like many of us needed time to get our heads into adoption so do some of our families so hard as it is just ignore initial reactions to a degree. 

Well we are in funny no mans land just waiting till October. 
Have been very busy finished painting skirting boards and door frames on Tuesday last week. Wednesday was a mad clean up. Carpet was fitted on Thursday which I love. (I was having panics that I didn't like the colour I had ordered prior to it coming   ) My brother moved house on Friday so I helped him with moving Friday and Saturday. Then Saturday night we had some people over from prep which was really nice as with anything involving a large group and planned in advance the majority had to pull out before it happened but it was really  nice to get to know people better. 

Then Sunday me and DH had a cuddle day on the sofa and did next to nothing. Yesterday I went to the Dr I have an ear infection. Never had one before I don't feel too bad more washed out than anything. Today I started painting the downstairs windows. DH has told me to have a rest and I know I probably should but days like yesterday I feel so frustrated at the end of the day thinking about the things that could be done   .


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Sorry you are not feeling well :-( ear infections can be quite painful!

We still haven't told them. Waiting to get both my parents together with their undivided attention. Going to do it Saturday I think.


----------



## Sun Flower

Not been on here for 2 weeks, your new name really confused me! Doesn't take much!   

Hope you feeling a bit better, ear infections can be awful and affect your balance so if you are decorating today be careful climbing on ladders at heights etc...

October is closer than you think


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sorry Sunflower I have confused a lot of people. 

Well back to work today -  I wasn't due in today due to being part time but wanted to spend some time in work today so I was up to speed. Guess what I was dealing with first thing ..............................................................................
.............................. Correct a pupil pregnancy. It's a pupil I deal with a lot and she is renound for being a bit of a nightmare but there is something about her that despite all the problems she causes that makes me like her. I really hope that this is the making of her and what straightens her out because if it does I think despite everything she could do an good job of it. 

It was nice to go back in and catch up with everyone. Going to e-mail SW and see what's going on now. Off to a wedding this weekend so busy busy. It means the dog staying away for a night because we are   not very happy about that but nothing that I can do. 

Have a wonderful weekend ladies  x x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well we have read our PAR and e-mailed it to our SW. We are really pleased with it's lovely we were in tears at points   . We are going to October panel so only weeks away now. I am terrified not of panel at this point but of what comes after. I am and always have dreaded the matching process. I hate the thought of waiting and not being in control. I like timescales and knowing how and when things are going to happen. I just want to be approved and matched I don't want to do the next few months. 

Perhaps I could be medically frozen and employ a double   . Joking obviously. DH is really excited and can't wait for the matching process. All so much to consider    . Then there's Christmas in the mix knowing our children will spent Christmas without us really upsets me   . I know rationally it's just another day but I guess it's become symbolic of a lot of things for me. 

However today is a good day - other than the stress over my baby doggy. He started passing blood yesterday and I was panicking. We have medication and we are assured that it is just a simple parasite or digestive infection. He was crying loads while waiting for our appointment which worried me more but he is his normal self at home I think he just associates the vet with injections and unpleasantness.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Copied from another thread ............................

Adoption activity day was good. We didn't find a child that we want to look into more but we are glad we went.

We have learnt that profile pictures make children look a lot older / grow up than they appear and when you actually see them they are tiny bubbas. 
Children waiting may have issues etc but the are fundamentally children and watching them play and laugh and be normal kids was lovely. 
Foster carers and children have a great bond - I know this may sound stupid but I hadn't thought about it a lot until seeing how attached they are in reality. 
Seeing a connection between a profile and a real child is very helpful. They were all far more beautiful, cute, little than their profiles allow you to see.

I would recommend anyone to go. Not necessarily to find a match ( although great if you do) but to put worries to bed and give you a lot of food for thought for matching.

Read more: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=305737.320#ixzz2f58lbIuY


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Very helpful; I hadn't thought of the activity days like that. HSDad and I very much prefer the 3d, and I strongly suspect would greatly prefer to be matched to a child through an activity day. I hadn't thought about the day giving us more confidence to being matched through paper. What an interesting and valid point!

So excited for you moving to the next stage!


----------



## Sq9

Activity day sounds really good.  Our sw hasn't mentioned anything about them so will have to ask if they do them in our area.

I know what you mean about matching - completing terrifying but it will happen for us all when the time is right.  Also agree about christmas, but am coming round to thinking it would actually be really nice if we met our lo in the new year and have our first christmas together next year when we all know each other so much better and can enjoy the festivities together.  Let's see if I still think like that nearer the time - I suspect not  

Have you got your date for panel? It will be here before you know it


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

We have a panel time now it's 2 and a bit weeks away now    . I keep telling myself when we have a date I'll believe that it isn't going to go wrong, when we have a time I'll believe it isn't going to go wrong. Now I am on when panel say yes I'll believe it isn't going to go wrong  . In reality I wish I could relax and enjoy the moment like DH is. I just can't every time I see an e-mail off SW I think this will be because something is wrong.

If I am being honest I don't think I will relax till the AO is through then they will be truly mine   . 

Dog is chirpier today which is good. Other news is I have been asked to be a Godmother which is lovely and great timing. I feel able to do that now for a long time I couldn't have coped with standing at the front of a Christening but I will enjoy it now. 

Asked for time off work for panel today and offered to work time in lieu. Boss was lovely and said if I was pregnant I would have loads of half days / days for scans etc so he will make sure it is processed as paid leave, he doesn't want me to work the time up, he feels it is my right to take this day off and he wishes me lots of luck. There is no formal entitlement for this so I was very touched by his support. Good job really think I'll be as much use as a wet fish all that week   . 

Excited to finish painting my upstairs windows this weekend because then my children's rooms are ready to spring into action. All woodwork and ceilings painted, new carpet and white walls ready to have their favorite colour slapped on at a moments notice.    

DH cried when I read our report yesterday it was very cute. He cried from page 1, I only cried when it talked about the impact of DH's Dad dying on DH. It's a strange thing to read all those details about yourself. 

Very excited for Panel and intro updates this week from all my FF's. Keeps me smiling x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh for goodness sake, now I'm crying!! You know what I'm like!! Just so happy you are nearly there now hun. I know just how much you need this and how wonderful you will be with your precious little people. This is definitely a dancing banana moment   You will be fantastic and they will snap you up, the perfect parents waiting for their babies. So close


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So thrilled for the bran new gorgeous Mummies Lolly and Fran love the intros so wonderful. 

I haven't managed to paint windows today. Ended up taking my car for an MOT which is passed   . SIL text and asked if I could have two of the nephews from school because oldest one is in hospital for his annual disability review. They were meant to be going to Grandmas but youngest said can we go to Aunties instead and I love any excuse to have my gorgeous nephews so of course they  can. That meant when I got back I needed to walk the dog so we could play on the park after school. 

We had a lovely play on the park and toast with homemade jam. When oldest got back with Mum he was really teary. They think he needs surgery on his feet and legs   we have always known there is a strong possibility he will have multiple sets of surgery through out his childhood but doesn't make you feel any better about it. The worse thing is that they need to have a multiple professionals meeting in November to decide. It's one of those if X happens it's best to do it now because X will lead to worse surgery but if X doesn't happen then he's been through this. However you can't know if X will happen and can never know what the best decision is.  

To make is even worse the genius of a consultant decided to discuss the surgery with nephew who has now been sobbing, terrified and sad as a result. Is there any need to tell him / traumatise him before a decision is made. Or before a date is decided on it probably won't be till the new year. Poor thing has months of additional worry. Dr's wonderful and intelligent as they are really miss the basics sometimes don't they. 

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend especially the new Mummies x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Wow, can't believe you're almost at panel.  Either that's gone very fast, or I've lost all sense of time and space.  Possibly both.  Best of luck and can't wait to hear the good news when it comes.  

I think you're very brave going on the adoption days.  I firmly ruled it out.  I understand the reasons for them, but can't lose the feeling that it's incredibly unfair to raise the hopes of these very fragile children when less than half get a match from them, and unfair on adopters to present them with gorgeous little bundles who may turn out to have far more problems than they really wanted to take on, in the hope that they'll be charmed into doing so.  I know it can produce results and I understand the flip side, I'm not actually sure I think it's definitely a bad idea, but for some reason whenever it was mentioned to us just the whole idea just sat so badly with me, it made me incredibly angry and upset.  Perhaps because we were being pushed so hard in a direction I was very clear I wasn't happy with.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I understand exactly what you are saying I had a lot of the same concerns I only agreed to go because DH really wanted to.  However I can honestly say that the kids loved it they all had a ball. Their and your SW's go so you can talk together and get the whole truth there and then.  I can't comment on all but ours was really positive on all parts.


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

I think some SWs paint Activity Days in a really bad picture but their really aren't those things happening.

Let me give you some more info...

The children are going to a massive party, there were two big bouncy castles, outdoor play areas, bunny rabbit, large indoor play areas, soft play, fancy dress too (i went as a proper pirate), it's all about the kids having as much fun as possible - I didn't see any showing off or acting up for the families (that's what they call prospective adopters there).

The kids are fully prepped as long as they are old enough to understand, and the younger ones didn't really know/care why a load of adults were there too.

The families are all briefed beforehand with a profile book (with short profiles of all the kids in attendance) and then we are told that everyone there wears a specific colour sticker so you can tell who are the Foster Carers, Child's SW, Family's SW, Adoptees, whether they are sibling groups etc

We went and played (tried to anyway) with the two girls we were interested in, then we sought out their FCs to speak to and finally a sit-down chat with their SWs - we got everything about them from birth to FC. 

There isn't any charming going on, and you still have to do the procedure of exchanging PARs and CPRs and their SW still needs to know that the placement will be in the child's best interest, it's just another way of getting these children noticed.

The current success rate is 18% which is pretty good, as those children would otherwise still be in the care system.


----------



## Wyxie

Social Services painted them in a very positive light, actually, it's my opinion, not Social Services.

I just don't believe it's as simple as you state.  It's a lot harder to let the hard facts that a child has a lot more problems than you really want to take on stop you when you have a real child that you've met and liked and felt a connection with.  Will that connection get you through?  It might do, but it might not, and even if it does, it may not be the family experience you were hoping for and could have had.  How many of these adoption will break down, or be unhappy, because of that emotional tug meaning heart wins over head?  We don't know.  However fun and exciting the day is, how will the children who understand what is involved deal with the aftermath when no parents are found, or if they are how will it complicate the child's view of themselves?  I don't know that either.  We also don't know how many of these children would have found matches anyway.  There are only so many adopters, so presumably the number of children for whom a match will be found is finite, and so while people may be taking on more troubled children, are there actually more children being placed as a result of these days?  I don't know that either.  

It's just not that straight forward.  I don't know that I think they're a bad thing, but I don't know that I think the good overall outweighs the bad, and I don't think anyone will truly know that for some time to come.  For some people this may be a good way to find the right child, for some children it might really be a good thing, but I really don't think it's straight forward at all.


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

I wasn't having a go Wyxie, I was just giving my opinion that I formed when I attended the very same event.

The days will not suit everyone, they also won't suit all children.

Our SW and agency did paint it in a poor light for us (presumably because they had only heard what goes on and haven't actually attended), we aren't in contact with social services so I wouldn't know their opinion.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well today SW called my mobile when I was in work and I was panicked to my core. Answered and she was just asking if we didn't mind changing panel slots with another couple who have a long journey and are worried about being late. 

We are now the first slot of the day which I see as a good thing. I will be terrified and sick with nerves so the sooner it is done the better as far as I am concerned. However that does mean we are now the first ever couple to go through with the new PAR document   . SW has warned that they are expecting Panel's to be longer and involve more questions at first while the panel members adjust to the new shorter document. 

Hey ho not long to go now x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

9 sleeps  

Eeeaaaakkkkk so excited xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Emma that makes two you and DH.   x x


----------



## Sq9

Wow only 9 more sleeps    We had the new par and it was fine - our sw was in first for about 20 mins and then we were in for about 5 minutes.  You will be nervous and nothing anyone says about you will be fine and nothing to worry about will change that because this means so much to you and hubby.  But it will be fine and you'll soon be celebrating.  It is difficult to think, in reality, we won't be meeting our lo's til next year, but try and think of it as a positive that they will be spending the time settled with foster carers before they start a whole new and exciting life, and we get to spend our last christmas as a twosome and really appreciate that and how life changing things will be in the new year.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks SQ9 hopefully we will get matched and have intros together early 2014 x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

8 sleeps  xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

7 sleeps  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

A week today


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Only a week until you are told 'yep you are going to be a mummy, and a damn good one at that!'   xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## Sq9




----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

6 sleeps  xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Emma, 

Official letter inviting us to panel came this morning which made it all feel a bit more real   . Not really sure how I feel nervous etc but my anxiety about the next stage means I'm not sure how I'll feel after because it     means the start of waiting again. 

So thrilled for all the forever mummies especially Lolly who has brought her baby girl home today. Reminds us that all this is worth while. x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

hunny!  The waiting is so hard BUT it will all melt away when you find your babies... promise promise promise


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

5 sleeps eeeaaaaakkkkkk

Xxxxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Totally behind on so much. I am so sorry. Cannot believe your panel is coming up that is trully awesome!!! I am so chuffed for you!!! We all know the result.  You have kept so many of us sane. Thanks. Much love to you x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies you are all truly wonderful x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I hate periods.  On the sofa have taken max pain killers still in pain and feeling sick you would think 17 years in these things would be getting better.  

Positive at least I won't pass genes for such awful periods to my children.  Hopefully they'll have normal periods   x x


----------



## gettina

Oh no, hope you can just have a lazy day on that sofa diva.  
My dh and I sometimes comment on how refreshing it is not to worry about all our bad points combining in our child. We described the worst case scenario, big nosed, shortsighted, bit plump (lots more...)and feel quite relieved! 
Hope those pain killers have kicked in now. X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks glad we're not the only ones that do that   . Painkillers are starting to work thank the lord x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Sending you big   hun, rubbish way to spend a sunny Sunday. Feel better soon xxx


----------



## crazyroychick

Aw sorry you are feeling miserable, but you will be cheered up soon with a big fat YES! X

Ps I am way behind just figured out you changed your name was wondering why you hadn't posted for ages! X


----------



## Billybeans

Just popping by DIY DIVA, Good luck at panel. Not long now. I'm sure you will be just fine.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

3 sleeps  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Crazychick sorry I have confused everyone   . Thanks Billybeans I have been keeping an eye out for you hope you are doing okay.  

Emma 3 sleeps is crazy


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sorry I'm late 2 sleeps  xxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg only 1 more sleep arghhhhhhhh


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Emma 1 sleep don't think it's sunk in yet xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I know you will be fabulous hunny, I know it. You don't have to believe it, I know you are scared of tempting fate, but it will be ok. Great in fact. But I get it because look how nervous I was. Comes with the territory sadly. But tomorrow will be full of smiles   Massive


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah love you lolly pops x x


----------



## GERTIE179

Lots of good luck wishes for tomo but sure you'll sail through x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Gertie x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

xxxxx


----------



## Sq9

Good luck for tomorrow gwyneth  .  Can't wait to read your good news


----------



## crazyroychick

Good luck for tomorrow and here's to a quick match afterwards xx


----------



## Sun Flower

Just wanted to pop in and wish you the best of luck tomorrow! Have you put the bubbly in the fridge?  

Xx


----------



## Wyxie

Good luck, hope everything goes smoothly, and look forward to hearing how it goes.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Today is the day!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg today's the day. 

Good luck sweetheart I'll be thinking of you xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Go for it hunny, we all have complete love and faith xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks all been awake since 4 but I foresaw and was asleep by 9:30 so feeling okay all considered.  Going to walk the dog and have a shower etc and we'll be off after that x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

By the end of the day you'll be a mummy in waiting yay  xxxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Good luck and best wishes from the both of us   

There's no doubt in my mind that you will be the perfect mum for some lucky child and I am certain panal will see that    

Enjoy your special day


----------



## lynsbee

I know you will be all done by now!! I look forward to reading your update xx


----------



## flickJ

.............   On tenterhooks, please, please,please ..........


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

The girls gone AWOL


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sorry ladies been at my parents and the Internet is playing up.  A unanimous yes for us absolutely shattered but panel were much nicer than expected x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay I've been dying to congratulate you all day. 

Wahoo mummy in waiting hopefully your wait won't be too long. 

So happy for you. 

Big hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Emma x x x


----------



## flickJ

Yeaaaaaah!!!!!!!

Excellent news, so, so happy for you - MUMMY DIVA


----------



## GERTIE179

Wah ha - big congrats to you both. Nice glass of something and possibly an early bed (can't believe you woke at 4am!)
Enjoy this time and relax too x


----------



## Sq9

. Congratulations - enjoy celebrating and bring on the profiles


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxx Never a doubt in my mind lovely lady


----------



## Petite One

Congratulations again.   Well done to you both.  Another journey begins.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Loving the monkeys have to check them out


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

You are more than worth a monkey or two lovely!!


----------



## mummy2blossom

Many congratulations, I've followed your journey up until now and look forward to reading your next exciting stage


----------



## Wyxie

Wonderful news.  Here's hoping for a short wait.


----------



## crazyroychick

Massive congrats        xx


----------



## Sun Flower

Fantastic news. Congrats and well done      

Xxx


----------



## lynsbee

Congratulations   fab news!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you ladies, 

I am still in my PJ's (unheard of for me at this time of day). Yesterday really wiped me out I would advise booking the day after panel off work if you can. I don't work Fridays so it is just good coincidence for me but I am so glad for a day to myself today  . 

We hadn't really told anyone we were going to panel - I am a strange being and prefer to tell people after events that are important to me rather than before. So post panel I called my sister who lives abroad because I knew she would be going to bed soon. She cried her eyes out her poor DH must have thought I was ringing with a bereavement not good news. I spoke to her properly on skype this morning and she said he kept saying to her this is good news why are you crying because she remained in tears for most of the evening bless her. 

We went to my parents and told them - who also cried and said I was a pickle for never telling but they know that's my way they've had me all my life. By a happy coincidence one of my brothers is staying with my parents for a few days before heading to a sports competition today so we told him in person and the one who still lives with them had a random early finish at work so came home while we were still there - he is the baby of us 6 and is 18. He told me to choose kids that like computer games so he can play with them on them. I said you know I'm not really a computer game person - he said yeah but it will be better for you because you can put them on computer games for like 2 hours while you cook and stuff. 

Glad he's a long way off parenting yet   however very sweet sentiment as he was talking excitedly about being an Uncle again and doing things with them. 

My other two brothers one is working abroad in the back of beyond and has no phone signal so I text him and the other was at work so I text him. Both got back to me pretty quick excited the one abroad had traveled into town for supplies so picked up signal then which is good. I have said I will call the other over the weekend, by the time he finished work I was that tired I couldn't have held a phone conversation. 

I managed not to cry at panel which was good. Also just managed not to cry when the Chair person told us yes however I cry my eyes out whenever I tell others so have decided to just keep it in the immediate circle for a while till I calm down. Going to go and tell DH's family tonight I think. They're not emotional types like my family so hopefully won't involve tears.  

Feeling pretty strange right now like it's all happened in a dream or film or something not actually my life. I presume that is normal and it will filter into my brain slowly over the next week or so. DH said he thinks that's the point of the DM and rubber stamp it gives you 10 days / 2 weeks for it to sink in before you go onto the local and national registers. Which makes a lot of sense to me. I am very glad for the lovely ladies who are shown profiles the moment they walk out of panel but DH and I definitely couldn't have coped with that yesterday. We need a few days to absorb I think. However that doesn't mean those profiles should wait too long  . 

Here is to the future as an expectant Mummy - sister says she has had a present sent already for me which should arrive Tuesday. As someone said to me now just waiting for a phone call from the stork and I think that is a lovely way to look at it.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww that is so lovely. 

I'm stood in living room pushing little man in his buggy ( like I do at this time every morning lol) getting him off for his morning nap crying my eyes out. 

I'm so happy for you sweetheart. 

Xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah what a lovely image you are such a pro you've just taken to Motherhood like a duck to water x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oooh wish mine would nap but she's too busy screaming (happy screams while playing in hasten to add!!  ) but also crying because I'm tired, and bit rubbish with my emotions these days and so overly happy for you!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Don't know about being a pro but getting there hehe. 

Hope you don't have a long wait sweetheart I'm sure you won't. 

Big big hugs xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

lolly hope she sleeps soon.  X x


----------



## Sq9

I was really surprised how emotionally drained we were after panel - I guess we've waited so long for it and are programmed to expect something to go wrong.  
Enjoy your very well deserved chilling out day.  Your little ones are making their way to you and if it takes a little bit of time, it is because they are't ready for you yet.  One thing I've found in the last ten days or so after the initial comedown after panel is that because I know it is going to happen, the thought of waiting a bit longer doesn't bother me as much as it did initially.  We are going to be mummys and it will happen when little ones are ready


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

That's a lovely way to look at it SQ9. Hopefully we will be introductions together in the new year. Unfortunately I am the least patient person I know so I know I will be rubbish at waiting
X x


----------



## Billybeans

DIY Diva, I am so happy for you. Many Congratulations and I hope you don't wait too long for your little one's.
Much Love.


----------



## sass30

Big huge congrats DIY Diva xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you so much Billybeans and sasso. Hope you're having lovely weekends.  X x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well we thought there was a 10 day delay on us going on the system but it would seem SW put us straight on   

We had a blue and pink profile Tuesday - which we have requested the CPR on. However SW has asked and no word yet   so not sure if Lo's SW has found someone else or isn't keen. 

Yesterday SW e-mailed about a blue and pink pair in their authority (we went neighboring) however they aren't due a placement order for a couple of weeks. I am very wary of getting into heart ache with weird legal decisions etc. So have said when info is ready we'll look but in the mean time we will keep looking. 

Today we have had a pink pink and a blue blue. Seeing these has made me feel more drawn to Tuesdays Blue Pink but we can't know anything really unless they are happy for us to look at the CPR. Also will have to see what DH thinks. 

I am so glad that others had warned me what our area is like for showing profiles etc so I was braced for the highs and lows. I also feel very lucky to live in a part of the country that seem    to move quick. I am so impatient with these things.  Praying all those other beautiful waiting Mummies hear soon. 

Everyday now I always think what are our monkeys are doing and wonder when and how they will find there way to us. 

Much love to you all x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

This all sounds very promising. Is that a sibling group of four I read?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

If hubby would allow it I know she would go for 4!!!   But it's two separate profiles I do believe  

I'm cautiously excited for you lovely   xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ha ha I would but dh wouldn't allow it. All sets of two. Just waiting and wondering but far more upbeat than I thought I would. So that's good.  X x


----------



## Sq9

Sounds very promising


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Grrrr to ss and their time scales.  Still 3 days later waiting to hear if the cpr will be released to our sw. If it's not a good match I would rather know sooner rather than later. Had to have physio yesterday after my nephew fell and pulled the muscles in my shoulder which has triggered an old injury.  

So I have decided I deserve a day of rest with a heat pack on to try and help get it right. Think a few more sessions will be needed. Me and the dog today which will be lovely.  When lo's hopefully appear early 2014 there will be no relaxed days x x x


----------



## flickJ

You deserve a 'me' day now and again (but without the injury  ) and you have certainly been putting in the effort lately.

Relax, put your feet up ........... it may be the last time for a while


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Flick have you started prep yet? Bet you are desperate to get going.  Can't wait for your updates x x


----------



## Billybeans

All exciting stuff in here DIY Diva. Great news, fingers crossed you are not waiting long.
PS-Have you finished all your DIY jobs now?
xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I have Billy beans was talking to DH saying that I need a new project help me survive the adoption waiting game. February isn't far away so hopefully work will calm down for you x xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So excited my sister has just Skyped me and said she is coming over to England with her two boys for a fortnight in just over 2 weeks.  So happy didn't think I was going to see her till Christmas 2014 ( she lives really far away abroad ). She's on mat leave at the moment and her husband has to go away on business so he said why not look for a cheap last minute deal and something affordable popped up.  Ekkkkkk can't wait she's my best friend in the whole world as well as my sister plus it's going to be a great distraction x x


----------



## Wyxie

Lovely news.  Great to have something you're so obviously excited about as well - might make the "waiting" easier.


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww that's so sweet! I love it when you have nice surprises like that.
X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Wyxie and Gertie it was a brilliant surprise for me.  

Well we have had a busy few days. On Sunday I bid on a buggy on ebay it was the brand I want and near home. Just put it on and then went for tea with friends and I won. So I picked it up yesterday and I love it   . I was / am a bit worried about tempting fate but it has made me really happy to have something kiddy in the house. Plus I thought worst case scenario I can put it back on. 

SW is coming on Friday with a CPR for us to read we requested it Wednesday last week and I thought kids SW mustn't have liked us but apparently she was struggling to e-mail it so has had to post it instead. SW is also bringing information on some children under our agency that are due to go to court for placement orders at the end of next month. They are beautiful breathtakingly so. But we are really worried about getting hurt and court dates and decisions being messed about   . Need to talk it all out with SW I think. She is good our SW she doesn't really tow the party line but in a good way for us - she's just very experienced and doesn't have an issue rolling her eyes, being honest and standing up to people. 

On a positive our approval is official today the decision maker gave us the yes    . This world of adoption is trying at times isn't it x x x x


----------



## GERTIE179

Exciting times DD x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Very very exciting 

We bought our buggy just after approval panel to. 

Big hugs xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey all, 

How are you all doing? I am coping with the wait better than I thought I would - this in no way means it is easy though. Also DH and I are communicating better than I thought we would over it all which is another positive. 

This morning I have made cakes (fruit don't worry won't feed people moldy cake) for my nephews blessing a week on Sunday. I have told my sister I will make her favorite fruit cake. What she doesn't know is I am making two tiers and have bought star and letter icing cutters. I am going to marzipan and ice white as normal then I am going to cover them in baby blue icing stars of various sizes and put his name on the top tier in pale green icing. Shhhhhhhh it's a surprise. Just hoping I cook them right     

Here comes the moan so tune out now if you are having a good day and don't want to listen to others whinge   ..................

I just am fed up   . We have seen 7 profiles now and 2 sets of CPR's nothing has grabbed us     . I know we should be grateful but we just want to find our children and be able to say yes instead of no. The other difficult thing is I guess knowing normal matching times in our area I thought we would probably have found our match by my birthday which as it's on Sunday and SW's don't work Saturdays won't happen. I hate my birthdays with a passion and guess I was hoping I would be able to enjoy one this year knowing that our children are nearly with us. 

Think DH had kind of thought the same so we are feeling a bit deflated.   . I know in the scheme of things we are loads further forward and our children will be out there but I just really wanted to know where today and before I get another year older   . 

However as said we are doing better than we envisaged but this bit is definitely the worst and hardest part of the adoption process. I think I just still don't feel sure that we will have our family all this journey and sucky times really leave their scars in your mind. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend and is more cheerful than I am. Would make me feel better to know that some people out there enjoy my birthday. x x x x x x x


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## GERTIE179

Aww Diva ((hugs)) completely get it. I was the same at my birthday last year but even though we had see. Lil mans profile (after lots & lots of No's), we spent my birthday agonising if his SW would like to meet us as it was over the weekend and LOs SW was off the Friday. Just saying as at least this way you can enjoy plus you have your sisters visit coming up plus nephew spoiling 

I really hated this part and you can plan things but when you've been on this path you just want to move on to your family. The best advice I can give you is that your child/ren just may not be ready for you yet. A sibling may not have been born or the SW us waiting on placement order for youngest to place together.

I would also not rule out a singly with a potential sibling if your looking for sibling to be young. Funnily enough once we found LO we got a profile that matched above criteria. We were keen but LO SW never came back to us (we were in different area so makes me suspect they stayed in house).

Good luck & don't give up - you will be a mummy - Panel proved that, it's now a case of when!!
X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Gertie it's reassuring to know others have rubbishy birthdays too. Sorry that sounds awful but you know what I mean it always helps to know others have trod where you are.


----------



## GERTIE179

Absolutely - makes the path feel less lonely ;-)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

On Monday we shall go to lunch and celebrate the fact that by your next birthday you will be a mummy to gorgeous children and your world will finally be complete. Millions and billions of


----------



## gettina

Diva - you have only just been approved! - how impatient are you?!   

So your birthday present will be late this year - it will be worth the wait. Can I suggest you buy yourself a birthday gift on the day that is something your have been looking forward to buying for your child? A favourite book from your own childhood or an outfit that makes you smile if you know what gender you'd like. Treat yourself and enjoy the faith that your little one is coming.

Am I allowed to say try and have a   tomorrow? I hope you manage to. You are closer to your family than on any other birthday you've had. I like that thought for you.  

Gettina


----------



## Wyxie

I can understand the frustration, I'm not a good waiter myself, the time between approval and matching panel I completely fell to bits in a way that I never let myself when we were having fertility treatment.  I'm sure if SS had known the state I was in they'd never have given us any children.

I also understand what you mean about birthdays.  I've never really liked mine that much for various reasons, and over the years we were trying for a family I felt more bitter each year, that another year had gone by and I was now thirty x and still without kids, and me getting older and the probability of success getting lower each year.

Having said that, you're approved, and you will find your kids.  There are that many kids in the system at the moment, yours will be out there, and I'd be extremely surprised if you made it to your next birthday without having a family there with you.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Sq9

This time next year you'll be getting fabulous home made cards from your lo's.   The waiting sucks, there's no 2 ways about it, but it will be so worth it.  As for birthdays, really hope you have a good day, knowing next year will be so different for you.  It is my birthday in a few weeks when we are away and I intend to spend it doing something I probably won't be able to do next birthday   And I love gettina's idea about buying something for lo on your birthday.  I go from feeling really down about no news, no profiles or contact from sw to feeling really excited about the thought that it could be next week that we hear about our lo. Every day you are 1 day closer to meeting your los   Xx


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## Handstitchedmum

Happy Birthday!!! Enjoy the extra hour of sleep and this virtual dahlia bouquet:










Isn't autumn lovely??

Image courtesy of Southern Living 
http://www.southernliving.com/home-garden/gardens/dazzling-dahlias-00400000010367/


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Love the virtual flowers Thanks hsm. Thanks Wyxie I think it really helps to hear others who struggled.  I think I am grieving the loss of my twenties really.  While my friends have travelled , holidayed, partied,  buolt impressive careers and now finally started families.  I have sacrificed everything to pursue having a family I haven't holidayed or partied or built my career. This has taken everything. I have suddenly realised I can't get that time back while others have had an amazing time I have been miserable in and out of hospital and counselling.  

Don't get me wrong I am not on a total pity fest as this sounds  I am just processing the lost years and opportunities . 

Yesterday was easier than expected.  I have actually put my birthday cards up on the window cill this year instead of binning them immediately after opening like the last few years and that's progress. Also didn't cry before or after the christening which is also great progress.  I think it helps that we've now been married without children for long enough that people have stopped asking when we will have children. Thanks ladies I'd be lost without you lot.  We have the Exchange Day next week  X x x


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## flickJ

Diva, 

Glad your birthday was more positive this year     and that things are getting a bit easier for you.

I think we all have regrets for 'what might have been', but your future certainly looks brighter  , we are all here to support you and soon you will be the family you deserve to be


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Flick can't wait for approval and matching for you next year x x x


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## Wyxie

DIY Diva said:


> I think I am grieving the loss of my twenties really. While my friends have travelled , holidayed, partied, buolt impressive careers and now finally started families. I have sacrificed everything to pursue having a family I haven't holidayed or partied or built my career. This has taken everything. I have suddenly realised I can't get that time back while others have had an amazing time I have been miserable in and out of hospital and counselling.


I think this is really hard. Hubby and I met young, and wanted a family and we knew I had the potential (hereditary) for issues if I left it too long, so we started young. In the end those issues haven't (yet) materialised but we found there was all sorts of other stuff not working, and the kids never happened. Meanwhile we watched our friends have their lives and do all the things we didn't and couldn't do because even if we had the inclination we certainly didn't have the money while having fertility treatment, and then marry, and have one, or maybe two or even three kids, all the while we were still at the same bit, trying to have a family. When we started, we convinced ourselves we'd have our family young, and I'd do career and we'd both do more travelling etc when we were older, because our kids would be adults when we were still pretty young, the potential of being fairly young grandparents etc but as the years went by everyone else's lives moved on and ours just stuck still.

Some of that you just can't get back, but it feels a whole lot better when there's a family here you wouldn't have had if everything had gone different. Next year should be different. Glad you had a better day than you expected.

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

Hey huni,

Totally agree with Wxyie and similar background. It sucks when you do everything the so called right way round and others don't or just have better luck but the way I keep it together is that you never really know how someone else us feeling ie they may have had kids younger/earlier than you but maybe their relationship isn't as great as yours and they secretly wish they had what you did iykwim?

I'm not saying its perfect with adopting but it certainly fills an enormous whole I had in my heart and this path has made me stronger as well as valuing my relationships that have been true through it all.
Keep the faith honey - it's all meant to be x


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## SummerTilly

DIY Diva - thinking of you for the Exchange Day and I'm sure that a match is on its way to you very soon     I love the idea of getting yourself a birthday present to represent something you would give your LO's. 

Like you, I got really frustrated with the wait and then when my link happened it exceeded all my expectations.  

I guess that however hard it is, you have to 'keep the faith' and believe that the delays are for a reason and your special LOs are on their way to you xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you ladies. You're right I know it will feel easier when I have my family and a large amount of the pain will fade but I am realistic and as Wyxie says some things like my twenties are simply gone and I can't ever get back. I think I feel I need to be very realistic about the voids adoption will, can, can't and won't fill. 

For example - Need to be a mother - filled 
Need to be a family - filled 
Need to care and nurture another person - filled

Learning that when truly awful things happen most of the people round you don't really care - can't fill 
Lost twenties - won't fill 

This might sound negative but it's not. I don't want to build adopting up to be the Savior of everything because it can't be I can't unlearn the lessons I would rather not have learnt but have. I don't want to feel disappointed by the things that will still hurt post placement. Ironically none of these things actually connect to children or being a mother. I won't have my children be a source of disappointment that they don't mend wounds that were caused on the way to them but don't necessarily connect to them. 

Not sure if that makes any sense but hey ho I feel better for getting it out as always. Other than that I am getting an early night because I am picking my sister up from the airport very early tomorrow. Me and the dog will be on a 5 am start I think    

So early night in the house of DIY thanks for reading x x x


----------



## Smudgey

Hi DIY Diva , we are at the same stage in waiting , seen two CPRs and no match , this is defo the worst bit ! 

glad you were a bit better on your birthday this year , next year it will be soooo different I'm sure of it ! 

I'm going to PM you re exchange day as we too are on one next week , I suspect it may be the same one ?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Smudley, 

Well had another unsuitable profile through yesterday. Starting to get a bit despondent since the first two everything we have seen has been a no without the possibility of a yes. There has been something big and unmovable such as racial background, developmental delay, very strange unheard of placing requirements. 

We really want siblings but I am starting to think we should look at singles. From what we have seen siblings that are healthy and meeting developmental milestones aren't there but singles are.  

Also found out our SW is leaving at the end of next week so we will have to see who we are assigned to. We knew this was coming but guess we really hoped she would see us through to matching because her leaving date has been pushed back a couple of times   . 

On the upside I have had a great first couple of days with my sister and her kids cute as buttons. Dog adores them but is exhausted from being on the go constantly with a toddler.   Well here's hoping that the exchange day next week throws some light on everything x


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## Billybeans

Thinking of you DIY Diva. I can only imagine how frustrating and disappointing it is. Hang on in there.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Billybeans. Hope you're doing well I do check for your posts now and again to keep up with you. February isn't too far away now   work etc should calm down for you and you'll have more you time. I sound a right moan bag at the moment I'm not really I promise I just vent on here so it's a squewed representation of my life. All the negatives and only a few positives x x x


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## Billybeans

Bless you. I don't find your posts negative or moany. I find them real! 
Things have changed slightly with work already and then more changes in Feb. I will PM you.


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## flower power

Hi there DIY Diva
We have just started with the process of adoption and I found myself back on FF after a few years away!
Yours was the first diary I chose to read and I spent last night reading through the 49 pages! 

Our stories appear very similar (aside from the age gap!) I too am from a big family, youngest of 5, I've spent all my working life with children and families and more recently working with vulnerable families including children subject to a CP plan, I have never aspired to be "career girl" as all I wanted to be was a wife and mother, I've given up on TTC and lost many "good" friends along the way, I have a replacement baby in the form of my 2 year old dog, lost my Mum last year to the ******* C word, have 3 empty bedrooms waiting to be filled and also consider myself to be a fairly private person hence the need for some "virtual buddies" right now.


Our journey has only just begun with the phonecall interview yesterday and information evening booked in 2 weeks. I've been on Amazon and ordered books and already read loads on here. I've got to say I haven't felt this positive in a long time. The SW on the phone sounded really positive and said that due to my experiences through work and family, we sound perfect! 


I loved reading about your journey and found your accounts honest and moving and with a lovely bit of humour thrown in for good measure. (Feel like I'm at a book club reviewing the latest best seller!) 
So sorry you're still at the gates having been given the key. They're out there somewhere and you're right not to grab the first thing that comes your way. Bummer about your SW leaving. They never seem to stick in one post for long these days! 


Just wanted to introduce myself really and hope you don't mind me jumping in at this late stage. Your story has really inspired me and also gave me a crap nights sleep as I couldn't stop thinking about "this time next year" and for the first time in a long time actually believing that this time next year might actually happen! 


I look forward to hearing good news from you when you finally get through those bloody gates! 
FP. Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah FP thank you for posting it's wonderful to hear from a strange life twin out there   . So glad you have come over to the adoption boards everyone is sooooooo lovely on here. 

Thank you for your kind words. I sometimes think I should write a book about infertility one people could buy for their family and friends to help educate them.  But my actual English grammar etc is so awful no one would ever publish me. I even have the opening. DH is back I will write again later.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey hunny   Sorry it's a bit rubbish at the moment   At this stage after panel in hadn't seen little pink's profile yet so I'm holding onto hope your little ones are right around the corner. You desperately want siblings, do not compromise on that yet lovely, it's too soon. You are still getting profiles and while that's happening there is still hope that you get one that feels right. I know the uncertainty is horrible, and the fear that you won't find 'the one', but you will. Just wait a bit longer before you reevaluate. I believe your babies will come along soon, and if not, well then have a talk. Like I said, holding onto hope, and if you are struggling right now then I will forward you. You know where I am


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## flower power

Lolly hello! 
After reading Diva's journey I started on yours until the battery died at 1.30! 
You're story has had such a happy ending. Hope everything is still going well for you and Little Pink! 
You're all giving me big hopes for the future and you 2 are so lucky to have each other obviously so close by for support and chats. 2 very lucky ladies. 
Keep up the good work of being a fab Mummy to that very lucky little lady! 
FP xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

My fictional book (I'll never write) would start with this analogy. 

My nephews live on a farm and while I was going through fertility treatment one of them told me a hen had died because it got broody. The Hen 
had sat on an unfertilized egg hoping it would hatch for so long it starved to death. The Hen's desire for a child was so strong it gave it's own life. This is an animal that doesn't have the intelligence and thoughts to contemplate it's own situation like a person yet it was still willing to die on the small off chance it would become a Mum. I want you to have this in mind every time you comment on your friend or family members situation. You are not dealing with a new car, house or holiday it is the need to be a parent and that is something so powerful it's worth risking your life for. 

Just remember this next time you are about to tell them that they need to be patient, focus on the positives or that others are worse off.


----------



## flower power

Just touched the "like" button. 
X


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## -x-Lolly-x-

beautifully touching, so very sad and heartbreakingly true  

*waving* at flower power


----------



## Sq9




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## Jacks girl

DIY Diva said:


> My fictional book (I'll never write) would start with this analogy.
> 
> My nephews live on a farm and while I was going through fertility treatment one of them told me a hen had died because it got broody. The Hen
> had sat on an unfertilized egg hoping it would hatch for so long it starved to death. The Hen's desire for a child was so strong it gave it's own life. This is an animal that doesn't have the intelligence and thoughts to contemplate it's own situation like a person yet it was still willing to die on the small off chance it would become a Mum. I want you to have this in mind every time you comment on your friend or family members situation. You are not dealing with a new car, house or holiday it is the need to be a parent and that is something so powerful it's worth risking your life for.
> 
> Just remember this next time you are about to tell them that they need to be patient, focus on the positives or that others are worse off.


Well said my friend xxx


----------



## Sun Flower

So so so true. You really should write that book, I would buy it   x


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## Norma12

I think you should write the book too!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Ladies  

It's been an eventful week to say the least I was horrifically sick all Monday morning a bug passed to me by family members so couldn't go to the exchange day but brave DH went alone and charmed the SW's so well done him. Must admit I was gutted to be honest   . 

Anyway he came back armed with profiles and there was a real favorite that stood out to us. Their SW emailed the next day asking if we were interested saying that she has read a number of PAR's and at this point we are first choice and she'd like to know our feelings before considering others. (Very exciting you are all thinking.) We read CPR's and discussed a few bits that were fairly shocking more so than the others we have read. We felt fine about it and able to explain these things to them as they grew. The only issue that bothered us was Mum's level of alcohol use in pregnancy. We know that tbh whether they admit it or not practically all of the birth parents will have drunk way more than acceptable in pregnancy. 

However it's not the consumption more the impacts we worry about. FAS has been ruled out but FASD is often undetectable till school age which these were a way off. Medical reports states no real concerns at this point but there are a few isolated things that put together concern us with one of them so another no.    

Not sure if it is normal to see over 10 profiles (plus many at an activity and exchange day) read 3 sets of CPR's and say no to everyone. Are we expecting the unachievable are we reading into things that aren't there.  Think DH has taken it harder than me think he was fairly sure these were the ones. As was I in part but I think I am a naturally more pessimistic person so guard myself more. 

Our SW finished tomorrow so not sure how inquiries about us will be made from here on in as it seems to mainly have been via e-mail to her. May e-mail the deputy team manager who gave us her contact details on Monday to check. Also feel like we could do with someone sitting down and discussing our concerns that with the number of children we have seen we should have jumped by now...................

Hey ho also wish no-one would ask us about it. I know they are being loving and supportive but I just don't want to talk about it all and I get stressed. 

But tomorrow is Friday and that's a good thing. So do your weekend dance ladies.


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww Diva big hugs. We saw lots of profiles & made inquiries but found out info that we couldn't proceed with. I think if you are proactive then it can feel like your are saying no to lots (think Arrows said something similar on another thread). Anyway my point being that if your doing a lot rather than your SW picking profiles for you then this is not a lot to be concerned about. Your lo's are out there waiting for you.

If it helps it may be worth having a meeting with the deputy/new SW to ask their view and whether things are realistic or if you may have a longer wait that maybe help you with the waiting.

I also told friends n family that I'd tell them if any news so most folk backed off asking all the time. I just said we could be waiting for a year maybe more. That helped their expectations. Turned out I was right.
HTH x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Gertie I said to DH earlier I feel like I need to talk it through with a sw and get their input on our worries.  You have given me the confidence that requesting this is the right thing to thank you x x


----------



## flickJ

Oh Diva, I am so sorry things are taking so long for you and are so difficult.  

The important thing is that you feel happy to proceed, and however long that takes must be between you and DH. I am sure expressing your concerns to the SW's will help, if only to help with any fears or worries you may be having  

I know if ever I was getting stressed during this process, one call to the LA for clarification certainly helped  

As I am not yet approved, I can't really understand how hard it must be to be faced with a profile/CPR, but I hope you do not feel pressurized by anyone


----------



## Wyxie

Big hugs, it's so hard waiting, but I think at this stage, you need to hold out for what you're comfortable with. I know it feels like a long time, but it really is very early days since you were approved.

I think talking to your SW, either the new one or the current before she goes, is a good idea, to see what she feels the chances are of you finding children who tick all the right boxes and not too many of the wrong ones, or if she feels you're being unrealistic, to put your minds at rest. Perhaps you and DH could set yourselves a time limit and agree not to proceed with a match that you're not completely comfortable with for so long, but then talk to your SW and reconsider at a certain point in the future if you're still waiting.

There's a lot to consider, and reading children's profiles can be very daunting. I knew all of Bladelet's main issues before I read his profile, but seeing it all in black and white really did give me pause. Hubby found this odd, he just said well, we knew it all anyway.

I understand your concerns about alcohol use. It's true that most b/ms of adopted children will have had some alcohol consumption in pregnancy, but there's drinking, and then there's _drinking_. I would not have been willing to take on a child whose b/m had drunk heavily through pregnancy, particularly if there were any indicators that FASD may be an issue.

Your children will come along. It's right to be fussy. The decision you make in the next few months is going to effect the rest of your lives probably more than any other you've made previously or will make again, so please, don't put pressure on yourself to find children quickly, wait for the right ones. They'll be there, somewhere.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Sq9

Big hugs  .  It is so hard.  We are the exact opposite in that we have had absolutely no profiles so I am very worried that when we eventually get one, I will feel like we have to say yes because we have waited so long to see any. As for family and friends that is a difficult one too.  I had about 2 hours last week of sil texting me pictures of cute baby clothes in the Christmas boots catalogue.  I know she is super excited but really not helping  
Our lo's are out there and they will find us when they are ready, but if they could get a move on, that would be good


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks wonderful people you always make me feel better.  

SQ9 there's no easy way is there? Really hope you hear something soon.  Fact is it only takes one it just has to be the right one.  Who knows where they are hiding?  Hopefully they will reveal themselves to us both very soon x


----------



## Smudgey

Big hugs Hun , know exactly how you feel  

We have the SW coming to see us Friday but there are two things in the CPR. That I want clarifying and if they are not what we want then it will be another no   , the hardest thing for me has been the first LO we had to turn down as we were too close to BM locality wise and we had a ** connection , but that LO was just perfect and I still think about her   Xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It is really hard Smudgly I agree. We met up with our prep group yesterday and it was nice to chat all things adoption with them.  We were the first to go to panel one other went this month and the others are December and january.  People asked us about profiles etc and we said we think we'll be the first approved but last matched. All the others are looking for single children under 18 months which seems to be simpler. People say that there are loads of siblings and there are but it's a statistics game two together that meet your requirements is harder to find than one logic would dictate to me. 

Really enjoying time with my sister and her kids I miss them so much when they are away but it's also really hard seeing all the family together it reminds me of what we are missing and have lost.  I always thought I would have the first grandchildren and nieces and nephews.  I love my family dearly but I can't shake the feeling our children just won't get the same level of adoration.  Nothing to do with adoption just because of novelty and people being baby obsessed.  Babies are much easier to love than toddlers to most of the world.  

Off to the zoo today so that should be fun.  Keeping busy is the best way I think.  X x


----------



## Smudgey

Totally know where your coming from with the family , my SIL has had 7 rounds of IVF and has just had twins , which is amazing !   they have had such a tough journey and it's finally come right for them .
However as soon as she announced the pregnancy our adoption has hardly been mentioned :-/ and mil and film don't even know where we are up to as they don't ask so we purposely don't tell as they only seem interested in the new twins , it makes me feel sad tbh , it's also been very hard for me through the process as she announvpced the pregnancy to all the relatives over the phone at the dinner table while we were sat with them so we shared the joy , but I feel it was a bit personal and very insensitive to us , I would never have done that if the tables had been turned  

But the twins are beautiful and I'm so happy for them , we are going to see them again this week , we will just have to see what happens when LO arrives


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Completely get that Smudgly.  I also would never have done that very shocked that someone who has been through so much wouldn't think of your feelings.  However I think sometimes people feel they have earned their right to be selfish by going through so much which I can kind of get but wouldn't have been that way myself.  


I also think this stage is one where you feel particularly sensitive.  At the moment I guess some of the time I feel that I am grieving early losses with the potential matches that haven't worked out. But no one knows or empathises apart from ff obviously.  So I have to be cheerful and discuss how exciting it is when with others but manage my real emotions and feelings of loss when alone x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Sending the most massive hug in the world   We all understand how hard this process, and especially the stage you are at, can be. Hoping more than anything you find your babies very soon now, hang in there sweetie xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sending big hugs honey, your babies are out there they just need to find you 

Xxxxxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Just trying to catch up a little. I just wanted to say I am soo sorry that this is a difficult for you. We suffered at a different point so my only bit of advice is keep busy....as I am sure you do lol but look I know it sounds simple and obvious but it is the easiest remedy and the thing people(me for one) sometimes forget. 
You have every right to all your feelings and no it isnt the same and it isnt easy but you are strong( we all know and admire that) and your children will be with you soon. I am thinking of you and wishing for you! 
Lots of love xxx


----------



## flower power

"Good things come to those who wait"
"If something is worth having its worth waiting for"

How many b****y times have we all heard those lines?? 
Well maybe they were right all along?!

The frustration you are feeling now will soon disappear as soon as those LO's join you and complete your family. 
This is doo able. It will happen. It's just not fair that its taken longer than expected. 
Lots of love. 
Xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you ladies. 

E-mailed the deputy manager yesterday evening and she emailed me back and said a new SW is starting Monday and she is allocated to us and will be in touch when she has started. Deputy manager offered to talk through ever thing with us if we feel that we want to chat now. But have thanked her and decided to wait till new SW is coming out to see us so we just go through it once and don't think we've said something we haven't because we said it first conversation not second (I think that makes sense how I have typed it.)

Got a lot of busy things going on but I am also aware that with me not taking the time to be alone and feel my emotions is what can cause me problems. In reality I know I need to do a bit of processing on my feelings but will avoid it a little longer I think. 

I would truly be lost without the support of this forum so thank you for listening because it really makes the world of difference to me. 

Tonight I am going to chill out and get an early night as last night was rather late last night due to watching my nephews concert.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Having a week off with no social worker has been nice. Just not being on the roller coaster has been what I needed. Don't get me wrong I am still desperate for a quick match but I really needed some time out. Love you all x x


----------



## flickJ

Diva,   

A week off will probably do you the world of good   

It has been a long journey for all of us to get to the stage we are at, and the next year will be exciting, stressful and totally life-changing for all of us.  

I understand that the Adoption and matching will be at the for front of your mind, but you also need to take a little time and look after yourself. After all, you will need all the strength and energy you have to run around after those little ones  

All the luck in the world to you and look after yourself, hun


----------



## crazyroychick

How are you Diva? Xx

We are waiting for a new SW too as ours is going off sick indefinitely for surgery   xx

Actually enjoying a wee break as I was so stressed about panel, if not heard anything by next week will give them a call though as they as said we would have met her before panel xx


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## Sun Flower

Thinking of you Diva xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies I am much better for a break haven't heard from new sw yet but she only started yesterday so didn't think we would have yet.  It's a strange kind of relief isn't it crazy.  Flick you are so right we need our strength and resilience for the coming months.  DH and I have decided we are going to have a change of approach with new sw and get her to be a much stronger filter.  Having read a few we have a much better understanding of what we are and aren't comfortable with so will write a specific list. Thanks for checking in sunflower.  Just trying to get organised for Xmas it kinda sneaks up on you when you are not excited about it.  Luckily got a couple of shopping trips coming up so should be easy to get on top x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thinking of you honey. 

Big hugs xxxxx

We love shopping trips  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Most certainly do nothing better than a girly shop and linch x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sounds fab and exciting  xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Who you thinking of lynching?!!   you brute!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Lol haven't decided yet depends how I feel   x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

*everyone's running scared!!!*


----------



## bulmer

Hi don't usually post on here but wanted to offer you some support.  We waited a very long eight months for our LO's to find us.  It felt like forever but was soon forgotten when  they turned up.  They were worth the wait. We gave some thought to changing our wishes and proceeding with only one but in our hearts knew we wanted siblings.  Be true to yourself your family is out there just waiting for you to find them. x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Bulmer that's really kind of you.  Hope family life is treating you well x x


----------



## bulmer

Thanks family life is brilliant, hard work at times with two, but they are wonderful together.  They really were worth the wait.  From the moment we saw the profile we knew they were our children and luckily the SW agreed with us.  We were the last from our group to be matched having been the second to be approved and I know the wait is hard but when you find the right children you will know instantly.  Good luck and I hope you don't have to wait too long x


----------



## Smudgey

Glad you are feeling better diva ,   

Try not to rule too many things out as this CPR was a similar background etc to a previous one that was a no , but with this one we just connected and the things we were unsure of in the previous CPR didn't  bother us with this one ?! Hard to explain but I think you just know when they are right . X


----------



## Loopylou29

Hi

We waited 9 months to be matched with our eldest with nothing in between but it is a perfect match in every way. The waiting is soo hard and we felt like life was on hold for us. We were aporoved for up to 2 and initially were looking at siblings when we were approached about the eldest. We now have a half sibling after bm fell pregnant. Its hard work but so worth it.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies good to hear from happy families on the other side x .


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hello ladies, 

Not really updating here much because there isn't a lot to say. Our new SW has started and is coming to see us a week today. Other than that all quiet on the western front. 

Ran 5 miles with the dog this morning which felt good but no doubt I'll feel it tomorrow   . I'm in a get as fit as possible I have bought a new sequin dress for my      last Xmas without children. And I want to feel good in it. 

Other than that making Christmas Cakes and Puds tomorrow for the family and hoping as I have done for too many years that next year I have a child to share it with. I'm genuinely okay making them always makes me emotional. I started making them at 16 the Christmas after my Nanna who I adored died. I use her recipes and decided to do so because I wanted to share them with my children to help my wonderful Nanna's memory live on. She was pretty darn awesome. So it just makes me miss her even though years have passed and reminds me how many choices I have made for so long based on the children I still don't have. 

However the positive is that my sister started making them too when she moved abroad and this year after her parents had them at my house my cousin has emailed me and asked for the recipes. So now all her Granddaughters are making them and knowing their kids I am sure my Nanna's Great Grandchildren are involved even thought they aren't with me. 

Other than than just Sunday dinner with friends and I pamper myself facial planned for the rest of the weekend (late birthday present.) I always love a facial. Hope the weekend is well where you all are. Will keep you posted as to whether I manage to look like a Goddess by the dresses first outing next weekend - I'll be honest I'm thinking not but hey ho the world loves a trier. x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

You'll look stunning in that dress honey I know you will ;-) xxxx


----------



## Sq9

Sparkly dresses are the way forward! Lovely story about your nana's recipes.  Next year I have a feeling most of the ingredients may be all over little hands and faces


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## -x-Lolly-x-

You don't need to try silly, you'll look fab! And make the most of being glam this year as I think SQs prediction about floury faces and sticky fingers next year is spot on   xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Been a busy few days. 

Friday we met our new SW, she's nice we like her and feel confidence in her. Which I wasn't sure we'd feel - nothing personal just what we are like things take time for me and DH. 

One thing that gave me faith in her   is the fact she answered all our questions very honestly and didn't give us evasive typical avoidance answers. What we have established - there has been a couple of court rulings recently that mean there is a real lul in children coming available at the moment. The rulings have meant that a large number of case files have had to have further things done etc before going to court so cases have been pulled left right and center. It's to do with the reduction in the assessment period for children and subsequent children etc. I had read about it a bit in Adoption UK magazine but was good to have it explained properly. 

We also discussed whether what we want exists in siblings. SW said it does but those children aren't waiting to be matched they are matched fairly instantly and there are adopters waiting for them if that makes sense. She also explained how the process works in our area etc. She has recently moved from being an SW on the children s side with responsibility for court proceedings to the adoption side so had a lot of useful insight.  

We discussed realistic matching time scales and whether matching with a single is likely to happen a lot quicker. Answer to that yes! Crazy I know they are always saying they need adopters for siblings but when it comes to it, it means waiting significantly longer. So we are opening our search to singles where BM is deemed very likely to have more and their SW will agree to look at us first for subsequent. It's not really what we wanted but we have decided that we want to prioritize chemistry and timing. 

Top to bottom of it we will probably have a bit of a wait   / even more of a wait. 

The dress got its first outing for this weekend too and went down well.


----------



## crazyspaniel

Diva, really feel for you, I remember how awful the waiting was very clearly!  

At least it sounds like your new sw is on the ball xx


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi Diva
I'm glad you like your new SW, so important to have faith in them, and feel trust and honesty on both sides.

We are the same, although not as far along as you, no approval panel date in sight yet, but we had similar conversations regarding our request for young siblings = nothing. We talked about singles with BM having future children or already pregnant = Nothing.
However in our area, there has been a huge increase in the number of single babies with a plan for adoption recently. Which really shocked us! All of the research and reading we did prior to starting the process, prepared us for 'fast tracking' and 'priority matching' for siblings and apparently the are no babies in the system etc... Which we are fast finding out, is a load of rubbish!   

Wishing you lots of luck for a speedy match xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yep pretty much what she said to us loads of young singles madness isn't it   . I simply don't get why they aren't saying this at the start. We thought that what we wanted siblings was being really realistic as they always say they are short of adopters for sibs. Seems not.   Just trying to get my head round it all really. x x


----------



## Loopylou29

Glad you like your new sw.

We were approved for up to 2 siblings. We were eventually matched with 1 and almost 2years later a half sibling followed. In hind sight we are glad they were placed with us separately as we got lots of one on one time with the eldest and then settled into nursery. For us this means the youngest gets one on one time when it is nursery days. People can and do successfully have siblings placed but we are glad it worked out differently for us.
We had set our minds to siblings and it took quite a lot of discussion before we agreed to look at a singly. We were linked within 3 weeks of agreeing to change our matching considerations! We were the only people considered for our youngest and the process secong time round was more informalfor us.

It can be a huge positive change, it certainly has been for us.


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww huni - that's what happened to us. Total madness! I think what they really mean is siblings between 4-8yrs or singles but prepared to adopt again as they know BMs go onto to have more.
Your children are coming to you and when they do it will all make sense. Just now live it up looking fabulous in your sparkly dress x x


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## flickJ

Oh Diva, I do hope you're wait is not too long and you find your perfect match soon    

At least your new SW seems to be on the ball and being honest with you


----------



## Sq9

. 
At least you have a clearer picture now but don't compromise if you feel that siblings are what you want.  Are you on the national register? That should open up more possibilities.  Every day you are one day closer to meeting your little ones and then we will forget how bad this waiting was


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's a roller coaster of undecided emotion in the DIY household  . We genuinely don't know what to do and are seriously considering time out from the process. We feel quite angry about being mislead. We aren't angry with our agency or any person (we really like our agency and feel they were the right choice for us) however we are angry that we have been repeatedly told our requirements are easy to meet and that there are no young babies (fine we thought not what we want) loads of siblings (great we thought exactly what we want.) I have had to grieve the loss of so much to get to this point - not conceiving naturally, not being pregnant, not breast feeding, not having the first Grandchild, not having a biological child, not sharing experience with my Mother, sister, cousins, colleagues and most of my friends (a few special ones aside   you know who you are my lovelies), being unhappy because the only thing you want / need is missing from your life and has been for nearly 5 years. The loss of my FIL and knowing he'll never know our children, the loss of friendship, the loss of my Grandfather, my sister moving away, the loss of what I believed about the world and the importance of being a good person. I could go on but I'm not helping anyone myself and you poor readers included . 

I am angry because I would have preferred to add having the age gap between me and my eldest child that I wanted and having siblings to that list and to have come to terms with it along with everything else and not now. I wanted to be done with the losses and coming to terms with them and I am angry that I haven't been allowed to do that. I know SW's aren't planning to deceive they look at the statistics and say oh yes siblings wait  X longer on average etc. There are reasons why and it is often not to do with being siblings but to do with delay or other issues which would impact on matching for a single in the same way. They need to think about their own anecdotal experience too. 

I have been told there are no young babies along with others who will then be over joyed and feel like all their prayers have been answered when they are matched with one. However in making this experience for them they have created more hurt for me on a journey that has already been pretty horrific. I know I am nothing special in terms of suffering amongst my wonderful FF but the bottom line is the world of adoption needed to be more responsible when dealing with me. 

These are the choices and concerns DH and I have discussed: 

1. Wait it our for siblings - we won't be the only ones doing this and it's indefinite, we may not get picked when they do etc etc you know the drill. 

2. Scrap sibs and look at singles - what if more aren't born / placed with us. If we do this we both agree we need to do whole heartedly accepting life with one as constantly looking over the horizon waiting for the call is going to be damaging for us and a child. Can I be happy as a mother of one? Will one fill the void inside me from the last years? If not what impact will this have on a child. 

3. Take time out to think and recharge. - The pros and cons to this are fairly obvious. Neither of us wants time out for obvious reasons but we feel like we can only cope with the one / ones now. 

4. Are we being unrealistic? We have said no on practical reasons to many but our biggest issue is that we just haven't really felt an emotional connection to any of them. Is it unrealistic to expect this? - I know I felt this before to a profile on CWW but it's only ever been one in 9 months of subscription. Is there something wrong with us or our expectation?

5. Are we being shown what is considered good matches or what is available. - DH feels it's what is available. 

While I write this a fellow adopter has just done something that made my heart feel warm. (You know). 

I know that I have felt much worse and more angry and confused than I do know and that I will be okay and something will get me through. But there comes a point when you get pretty fed up with it all. People can say I haven't been waiting that long and I get that. I guess I'm feeling this way because of the disparity (if that's the right word) between what we were told to expect and the reality. My parents were convinced based on information they were given from a number of sources that we would probably have children home before Xmas. 

Anyway DH is going to phone SW tomorrow for a chat and try and fathom a way forward. I just need someone else to make a decision for a while. But I know no one can do that. 

Rant over and I do feel a weight has been lifted. In the words of my father (I emailed my family to let them know the current situation not ready to actually say words about it yet these things take me a while,) I wish I could say something profound to make it easier but all you can do is carry on carrying on. And he is right that pretty much sums up the world of IF. Carry on carrying on. 

Love you ladies. I hate the fact my diary is a moan fest but this is my outlet so sorry.  x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

One last moan this stupid baby buggy weight loss company has started appearing in my ** feed. I don't like them, I don't need them, I have never shown an interest in them and having 4 update messages off them today is annoying.


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww Huni this is the place to vent and share and I've been in your shoes at this point and I remember how painful it felt and how pessimistic I felt (I was actually concerned I was getting depression and never felt that even with my losses). 

Only you and DH can decide but I'll Pm you more detail to see if that resonates anything x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Gertie that's really kind x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh lovely, in so sorry you are in this place at the moment   I hate you feel this way but I hate more you are apologising for 'moaning'. This is your safe space to vent so never ever feel bad for that. I agree that you have been fed false information regarding siblings. From what I had heard previously weighted against your experiences, well, there are certainly discrepancies. But that's not your agency, that's planet adoption, pushing siblings and older children when all of a sudden there is an influx of babies and in truth that is what most people are being matched to. A teeny one. I think Christmas is your natural time out, whether you need more you can decide in January. I know you must be struggling because it is a big thing for you to even suggest that   I'm very glad you will be back in touch with your social worker. It sounds as if she respects you enough to be totally straight, something you need to make your informed decision. Some of your questions sadly can't be answered until you have your child/ren with you which makes it harder. I cling to the hope that you will know when it's right. You deserve this so much sweetie, you are a mummy without her babies. It breaks my heart, but I know your future is bright. I just wish your future was here already. Loads of love to you, you're a special lady and we are all rooting for you and hubby xxx


----------



## flickJ

Diva ......... I cannot find the right words to help you through these challenging times  

All I can do is send you my heartfelt wishes, it hurts me to know you are going through these tough times - but I know with the strength of character you have shown already, you will come back stronger. 

We are all here to support you   and send you our love


----------



## GERTIE179

Oh I should say we also really thought about pulling out - we had a timeframe and everything. Take time away if you need it to recharge and get your fighting game back if that's what you wish. 

From your posts I really feel you are destined to be a great mummy and have the understanding and knowledge to really make a good life for a little person(s). 

It really is worth it but my gosh is it trying just to get there. X x x
Look after yourselves x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you ladies you are truly wonderful.  Another option we're considering is that dh takes over as first point of contact.  I think Christmas is a good chance for more time to reflect dh is actually off work so we will have a proper chance to talk and reflect.  

You are all fabulous and keep me sane x x x x


----------



## Sq9

This part is by far the worst part and is pants beyond words.  We have had similar dilemmas but the opposite in that there are no tiny singles in our area, but siblings or older singles.  We have talked to death whether we stick with what we have felt is right for us from day 1 which is as young as possible single, or changing that to fit in with what is available.  It has been so hard because, like you, we are ready now for our lo(s) but we keep coming back to our original choice and have decided, however hard it gets waiting, that is what is right for us so we have to wait til that comes along.  
As others have said, christmas is giving us an enforced time out anyway and the opportunity to enjoy time as a twosome, knowing that   This time next year will be a whole new level of christmas magic.  Only you and dh know what is going to fit into your family best - if siblings are what you really want, it will be worth the wait, but if the knowledge that young little ones are ready and waiting makes you realise that is what you really want, go for it.  
Your lo(s) are out there, they are just having a few problems finding their way to you.  It is so, so hard, but you have to trust your instincts and know that they, she or he will find you when they are good and ready and when they are, it will all fall into place.
Vent on her as much as you need to, that's what it is for, we are all here for you every step of the way.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you, you wonderful lot having your responses lets me know I am not alone and that really helps. SQ9 this is part of what annoys me I feel SW's want to work within their set cliques and not just make good matches fast. If there are littley's in my area and sibs in yours then neither of us should wait. However SW's don't want to travel and I get the reasons why but  just don't think they are good enough reasons.  

I haven't really been on for a while so sorry for not responding to all your lovely support it is greatly appreciated  . Also a huge thank you to those who have PM'd support also very helpful and lovely. 

I haven't been in a good way this weekend I have got myself really upset. On Saturday afternoon we were at MIL (DH's Mums) and she was telling a story that involved criticising her friend's son. DH said something along the lines of but he's always been  a bit weird Mum even when we were all kids. MIL then says very defensively.  Well he isn't really her son he's adopted. 

Gobsmacked I responded very calmly which impressed me. Well if he's adopted then he is really her son that's the point of adoption. 

MIL then looked at me annoyed and said - You know what I mean he isn't really hers because she didn't give birth to him. They never had children of their own.

The fact that she got annoyed with me for politely pointing out her offensive comment and defended her statement / belief made me really angry so I just went quiet and said nothing after that. I know I should have said more but I didn't think I would keep calm and would have ended up yelling at her and saying something hurtful back. DH said nothing. So we ended up having a row about it that night. I said he needs to call her into line because it's hard for me as in laws are a difficult relationship where you can be dumped on but don't have the right to answer back. 

DH said he gave up battling with her over things years ago because she won't back down and she won't change so it just ends up in a screaming match that never ends and does no one any good. Then said that MIL is basically uneducateable and unable to think about others feelings and you just have to accept it and get on with it.  

This obviously did not go down well with me. I said that MIL has always said hurtful (without realising / thinking things) to me and I have put up with it but this is over a line. DH said she doesn't say things that are really hurtful that often. I said this isn't about me or him anymore it's about vulnerable children who should not be exposed to such comments. I don't care if comments like that are only a few times a year it's still not okay to me or our future kids. 

This is a real bug bare of mine with DH - he will never be the bad guy and tell people they are out of order. I accept this in most scenarios but it is his place not mine to deal with this side of his mother. I said to him I'm not trying to be horrible but if MIL doesn't stop making these kind of comments then I won't want children having contact with her. DH said that she'll be fine once we have kids because she'll never see fault in her family she always has to tell everyone how perfect and wonderful her family are all the time. I pointed out to DH that this hinges on whether she see's our kids as family. Her belief that her family is perfect / can do no wrong thus far only extends to those who are genetically related to her e.g. DH, BIL, nephews etc. It doesn't extend to SIL or me or anyone who is part of the family through marriage. At this point we don't know which side of the divide they will be placed. 

However I am very upset because it isn't just the comments it is the values and beliefs that are behind them. To say the words "they never had their own children" shows to her adoption isn't being a parent it is raising someone else's child. This isn't an attitude I want extending to my children. 

Anyway yesterday I got past the angry and just got really upset. I ended up on the phone to my Mum yesterday morning in floods of tears saying what she had said and that MIL always says hurtful things and I'm fed up etc - generally sounding like a 5 year old. Bless her my Mum insisted on driving over 2 hours to see me because she was worried and spent the afternoon writing Christmas cards with me and just doing what she does best which is being there. DH was teary eyed most the day yesterday which isn't like him and just stayed out of our way a bit. He's promised he will raise it with MIL tonight on his way home from work. 

I still feel really teary today it has just knocked me for six. MIL was very negative about adoption at first but we first told her we were considering it nearly 2 years ago now and were accepted to train nearly 12 months ago she has had a long time to get her head round it. We thought she had got there but I just think she has accepted that we are adopting I don't think she has altered any of her views or prejudices. I am used to people having negative views but it is very hard dealing with them so close to home   . 

I also hate the fact that society in general tell you someone is adopted as an explanation of anything negative about them. I am very tempted to start shaking my head and saying they're a biological child you know whenever someone has anything bad to say about anyone who isn't adopted. 

Have I blown this out of all proportion ladies? Am I being crazy to feel so upset? I guess it's the fact that she justified her statement rather than apologizing that really gets to me. x x x x x


----------



## mummy2blossom

Hi Diva, 
I don't really have any words of wisdom just wanted to send   

First of all very well done on responding so calmly, not many people could do that when such a sensitive nerve has been touched.  I don't know how I would of responded but I think I would feel similar to how you describe, you have every right to feel the way you do and protective of your future LO's.  I certainly do not think you have blown anything out of proportion and reading you post made me feel angry for you  

I hope your DH does speak to MIL and that in future she will think before she speaks, would she be willing to do a little reading on being a support to adoptive parents/grandparenting an adoptive child?  

and what a fantastically supportive mum you have  

sorry I don't have much to say hope things settle for you soon


----------



## GERTIE179

Hi my lovely,

You're feelings are completely justified. I hate this too about society. 

I would say that some folk do change their minds when it's a real life child (especially grandparents). However I do agree that if they can't mind their opinions and fair it then I agree I would cease relations. Men can be quite evasive in saying things to their parents esp their mums and I can see both sides as it sounds like your hubby is very aware of his mother. 

I hope you find a way through this and focus on what's important - your family and those that matter. As someone who has not spoke to my mil for 10yrs I find it easier to say this.

X x


----------



## Sq9




----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi wonderful ladies, 

Nothing new or exciting to report here. Met with SW last week and tightened up our matching criteria we are now looking for 2 children 0 to 4 where the youngest is under 2. Either a boy and a girl or two girls. We firmed up background issues we would / wouldn't feel comfortable with too. We do really like new SW and feel she is getting a better understanding of us and what we want. I think it is difficult for all involved when you change SW after HS and before matching. 

However I focus on the fact she is unlikely to move jobs again for a good few years so she should be available at our agency as a point of contact post matching for a while which is good. 

DH and I have our tough days but we are kind of getting more used to the waiting well for the moment   .  DH feels for now he'd rather give looking for siblings more of a chance. There is an authority having an open day at the end of the month near us. It's the authority our SW used to work for and she says they should have all children currently looking for adoption placements on display. We and SW both agree that this would be a good opportunity to see how we feel seeing profiles of singles and whether we want to pursue this. SW also pointed out that a search for a single is a totally different search that we would need to think through and plan totally new parameters for. I hadn't thought about that but it is very true. 

Other than that life is kind of ticking on in a weird way and I'm trying my best to keep busy and have things planned with lovely friends. I am helping a friend who had IVF at the same times as me with lots of Christening prep for her beautiful baby over the next few weeks so plenty of girl time which is nice. 

Also try and get some time with family planned in. I'm running at least twice a week with the dog which really helps me manage my emotions. It's reminded me how important exercise is for my frame of mind. It has also made me realise  I'll have to think very carefully about how to manage exercise early placement. 

Hope the world is well with you all thinking of you particularly you SQ9 and hoping your match is here soon x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I think your new SW sounds great, realistic but supportive and getting a really good feel for you as a couple and your hopes for future LOs. Good for you for holding out for siblings for now, it's always been your dream. But equally it's good to explore singles at activity day. There's no pressure but you'll be able to get a good feel for how you feel after viewing profiles. I think you are doing amazingly and I'm really proud of you sweetie. No one should ever underestimate how incredibly hard the waiting is


----------



## Sq9

.  Glad your new sw has built up your confidence again - it makes such a difference in making a difficult time a little bit easier.  Fingers crossed your little ones are at the activity day  .
We are no further forward and still waiting to hear from sw.  She said there were children coming through in jan in our age range so doesn't want us to go on the national register yet.  Really trying not to pin our hopes on it happening this month but we will both be gutted if it doesn't.  Going to email her next week if we don't hear from her.  Have dealt with the waiting in a mature and sensible way by shopping!! My addiction to shoes and handbags has been replaced by an addiction with buying baby things in the sales! We've bought pushchair and cotbed as they were amazing prices in the sale and have bought some other basic stuff and I have to say it has helped keep me sane(ish!) Hopefully we get matched before i fill little one's room with white onesies and toys!! 
Fingers crossed we both get the news we are praying for this month


----------



## crazyspaniel

Our sw changed after approval panel too, it does make things difficult for a while. We've built up a good relationship with our sw now but it took a while as she had a different way of working to the original one....!

Hope your Los are just around the corner  
Xx


----------



## GERTIE179

Hey huni,

Hope you are holding up ok and January is moving again with profiles coming your way.
X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Gertie, 

Everything is a bit up in the air at the moment but are hoping that we might have something to report in a few weeks. Just waiting on a few things


----------



## GERTIE179

Fingers & toes all crossed x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

And eyes, arms and legs and anything else there is to cross


----------



## Billybeans

HI DIY DIVA,

Sorry it's been a little while since I popped by. I have just read about your MIL!!!!! Grrr, did DH speak to her again?
I hope you are ok, sounds like you are managing to get through each day quite well. Thinking of you often.
xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks ladies.  Billybeans it's lovely to hear from you.  DH did talk to Mil and felt she did take it on board because she went quiet rather than arguing back life normal so we shall see x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Dear Princesses, 

This week four years ago your Dad and I booked our wedding and had our meeting at the registry office to get our marriage licence. That was the start of our official journey to find you as we both went for dinner and decided as a wedding was booked we would start to try to become a family. The last four years have involved more heart ache and pain than I ever thought I could cope with living through. But this week four years on we met your social workers and I can tell you my Princesses I would live through it all again in heart beat to know that in the end it brings me to you. We have found you and we couldn't be happier. You are the most beautiful children I have ever seen your Dad and I are so glad we waited. 

So far we have shown your pictures and DVD to your Grandparents and they all adore you words like perfect, beautiful, wonderful keep being said. About half your Aunties and Uncles know (you've got a lot of them). Everyone has been shocked by how emotional and attached they feel on seeing your photos and hearing about you. 

Obviously Valentines week is the week for making huge decisions in the DIY house hold. We first saw you last months but a lot of families realised how special you are and contacted your social workers. We had a nervous 5 days till the came back to us and said they thought we might be the Mummy and Daddy for you two. Then because you are soooooooo far away from us they couldn't visit for 4 weeks to check the match. So guess what we've done - DIY     . Mummy and Daddy's bedroom is painted now and carpet is coming on Tuesday. (Last of the carpet thank goodness.) We just need to repaint your room from cream to pink because we know how much our eldest Princess loves it. 

We are hopefully going to matching panel at the start of April and then starting intros just after Easter. We can't wait my gorgeous girls. 

All our love x x x x x x


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## Loopylou29

Congratulations   its a great feeling. How old are they?


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## Arrows

So, so excited for you!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you Eldest Princess in 3 years old and Youngest Princess is nearly 12 months x


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## Loopylou29

Just seen your other post. 3yrs old and 12months old. Time will fly to mp and intros.


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## crazyspaniel

Wow!! Fantastic news, many congratulations    xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It's just under 10 weeks now            I am sure it'll fly there's a lot to be done. With holidays etc I'll only end up back in work for 6 weeks now so I'll have a lot to sort there. Need to buy furniture, decorate, car seats, fit the stair gates, get books and a DVD sorted, choose teddies, Daddy randomly said as I was about to fall asleep last night we need to buy a thermometer which we do lol. So plenty to keep us on our toes till you arrive x x x x


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## Lizard39

OMG DIY Diva  . Huge congratulations to you & your DH. Your post is beautifully written & made me smile so much. You must be so very excited. Xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

SO EXCITED!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We are very excited we've felt a bit in shock the last couple of days I think after so much it's taken us a couple of days to really accept that this is happening for us. Today is the first day we've began to feel excited. I'm sure we'll get more excited from here. 

Just looking on the JellyCat website for teddy ideas


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## flickJ

Oh Diva, can't explain how I feel ( can't even see the keys on my laptop because I am crying happy tears  )

All that waiting has really been worth it, as you have found your 'special ones' and I know you will be such a perfect family, you really deserve all the happiness in the world  

It has certainly been such a big week for both of us


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo so excited for you. 

Congratulations my lovely friend xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Lost count me the number of times you've made me cry recently and you've done it again you naughty lady!   A beautiful post to share the news of your beautiful family. You know I am just so over the moon for you


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Lolly we can go spending soon  buy lots of pink and frilly xx


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## GERTIE179

Wooo hoo!! Huge congrats mr & mrs DIY!! How quickly time will fly until your princesses are home x x


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## Sun Flower

Fantastic news!!!!! I am so happy for you   

enjoy your shopping spree, pink pink pink  

lovely to read these happy excited posts on valentines day, feeling emotional now

can't wait to read more as the plans progress towards meeting your princesses xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you so much ladies. I was always a tom boy as a a child so a world of pink will be novel to both of us. x x x


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## Wyxie

Wonderful news.  I was hoping your recent quiet patch might mean something was cooking.  What lovely news.

Two girls as well.  Just brilliant.

Enjoy the next 10 weeks, make the most of your nesting time.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## mummy2blossom

Many congratulations! I've been reading your story and can't wait to hear the next chapter! 

Happy pink painting


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## Sq9

Congratulations   .
Fabulous news.  Enjoy buying lots of pink and sparkly things for your fabulous princesses.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks all SQ9 really hoping your LO appears from where they are hiding very soon


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## crazyroychick

Just read your amazing news        So pleased for you and your hubby     xx

The next 10 weeks will fly by, have fun decorating and picking all your LOs clothes and toys xx


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## Jacks girl

Huge congrats hun  whoop whoop Mummy Diva xxx


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## Billybeans

Wow this is fantastic news, Many Congratulations. Two daughters. You must feel so excited and emotional.
xx


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## flower power

Oh that's lovely news!
I've been thinking of you on your wait and hadn't been on for a while so really pleased when I saw this post. 
2 pink ones, how exciting! (Or brave?!) 
Bet you can't wait till you can get hold of them?
Have you been shopping yet??

We've just finished prep and been accepted on to stage 2 so form filling fun has commenced!

Hope you can manage to contain yourselves until the Big day!
Well done. 
FP. Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you all we're trying to sort out the room and everything they'll need but it's hard not knowing what they'll come with yet. Also asking for heights and weights and things.  However the chain is we ask our sw who asks their sw who asks fc so it isn't quick.  Got some stuff like photo albums and teddies for intros etc. Painted the bedroom pink bought lovely wall stickers so busy busy x x


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## Primmer

How exciting, do all those things in preparation of your little girl


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## Handstitchedmum

Thinking of you and your family. Xx


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## GERTIE179

Hope you guys are getting on well with meeting your cherubs although I'm sure you must be missing your home comforts and dogs by now. Thinking of you x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thank you so much ladies.  So sorry I haven't been able to get on here for a month which is crazy.  We had no wifi in intros where we were staying and things have been so busy I have done nothing but routine and try to sleep.  I absolutely take my gat off to the ladies and gents who update early days its so amazing to read but I have just not had the energy.  

Our girls are amazing.  This isn't easy or straight forward but thanks to this forum it's been nothing unexpected and I have drawn on the amazing advice I have read iver the last 18 months to get through and deal with everything.  Our little bug was waking every 20 minutes at the beginning of placement screaming.  So I co slept nect to her cot for the first week.  Bless her she'd press her little body against the bars and scream grabbing for me pulling my arm in. We moved from thst to a stroke then my voice soothing her. Ince she was only waiing every couple of hours I moved back to my bed.  Now teething aside we're getting ine or two waking a night which is great.  Mummy feels far more human.  Little bug has also gone from takung a couple of steps to properly walking this week.  

Our angel is still figuring it all out snd I know the most challenging side of her is yet to rear its head.  But 4 moves in a year is horrific and I will tty to choose to see the miracle that she has got here. She has also come on she still screams and sobs when we leave the house but is happy and doing this much less at home ( podt sws visits aside ) . I basically think she's had duch a total lack of exposure to the world and things untill going into fc that she is terrified of things as she doesn't know what they are. She finds busy places unsettling by Dh and I agree that we will get out every weekend and deal with the sobbing etc because fighting through is the only way she'll cope. She's getting more affectionate and seeming to accept that this is her life more.  I'm really glad of her company in the day livk down with a baby must be very lonely.  I've decided we are going to venture out more and gradually start meeting people now.  I think our angel is missing company of children her age and I need to get out of house arrest to keep my emotional reserves up. 

We are really pleased with how things are going and hope that we carry on as happy as we are. The girls Sw was really pleasantly surprised when dhe visited she said normally sibling adopters are really struggling st this stage and hsve lots of problems to discuss.  We're good and happy but I think a big psrt of that was realistic expectations.  Nothing has shocked us so for me that's no real problems.  We're in a routine and we'll get to where we're meant to be in our own time. To all those waiting keep going its wirth every thing you put in.  Someone asked how I coped with a child waking every 20 minutes and I said because I have had years of sleepless nights praying for a child to cry for me and I know how many women would love to be me sleep deprived or not and I am genuinely incredibly grateful for the gift of our beautiful girls x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Such a beautiful update. 

Your doing amazing sweetheart. 
Can't wait to meet your beautiful princess's

Love you all lots xxxx


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## mummy2blossom

Wow what a lovely update & love the new name!  

Sounds like you have good plans to continue to help your girls to settle. 

I wish you every happiness and many happy precious moments together.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sorry for all typos blooming tablet x x Thanks Em love you x x


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## GERTIE179

What a lovely update. Glad things going well & hope sleep continues to improve. X


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## -x-Lolly-x-

The last paragraph made me smile so much, I'm so delighted for you and hubby   You did it hunny and you are a wonderful mummy, it was all meant to be. Parenting is not easy but you're taking it all in your stride and already seeing massive progress, shows you were born to do this. So proud of you lovely, you're a special lady   xxx


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## flickJ

So, so happy for you both and your LO's  

You have been through so much on your journey, and you thoroughly deserve to be happy with your new family


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## Frangipanii

Amazing to read. Love a realist! Your daughters have really got an amazing mummy and daddy! Congratulations, it sounds like you have an amazing journey a head, yes there are going to be some tough bits but that makes it so much more rewarding. My two are totally different now compared to when they moved in and I still get a shock when I think of the difference in them. Take lots of photos so you can monitor their changes...the reward is amazing. 
Much love to you and your family xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks hun. I need to get better at photos I'm mostly grabbing shots on my phone but I do have a really good camera Daddy Diy bought me.  

Hsd a lovely day today.  We went out to a country show and our angel didn't cry !!!!!!!!!! She did het normal sobbing my no want to on leaving the house but didn't cry when we were out which is amazing.  She also held a rabbit and fed s sheep from her hand. Very proud Mummy. I'm sure we'll have plenty of nightmare days out in the future but today was really nice.  Tired mummy is going to bed.  We resolved attachment sleeping hell and had a couple of days grace we're now in teething sleeping hell so early nights. Xxxcxcc


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## Wyxie

I'm so glad to hear things are going as well as they are and that you're happy and enjoying your family, despite the difficulties which were always going to be there no matter what you do.  Four moves in a year?  Poor little girl.  No wonder she gets stressed and upset easily.  It sounds like you're handling things brilliantly and with very realistic expectations!

I'm so very happy for you, and looking forward to reading about how things progress as your new family develops.

All the best,

Wyxie xx

P.S. Hell yes, sleep whenever they do.  I did for quite a while and to hell with all the things that "need" doing.


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## Sq9

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly as we all knew you would  .  Amazing to read how everyone is settling in.  Enjoy every second


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## Billybeans

Lovely to hear updates lovely mummy DIY diva. You are doing an amazing job with your two little pinks.xxx


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## AoC

Well done you, on every level.    I loved what you said about coping with sleepless nights.  Perfect.


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## flickJ

I am so, so happy for you all  

I can hear and feel just how proud your LO's make you, enjoy every minute. You deserve it so much


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## Billybeans

How are you doing lovely? Hope you are all well. Keep in touch. xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We're good sorry I'm so rubbish at updating.  We've made a lot of steps forward in the 6 and a bit weeks my babies have been home. My eldest no longer cries on leaving the house.  We've started attending a nature toddler group once a week.  A person off my prep course goes with her child who is the same age as my eldest which is nice. My angel has told me she is not going to cry there anymore and she was true to her word no tears this week.  

Something that interests me is her tears don't seem to link to enjoying or not enjoying an activity.  She'll often ask to go somewhere again where she's cried first time then she's better. I think they're fear more than anything.  My youngest is now running not just walking she is trying to say a number of words. My little bug loves her dummy and I have reduced it to just bed which is helping with sleep. I always say pop when I pull it out her mouth because she is trying to keep it in that much it pops. Yesterday I forgot to say it snd she said pop and looked at me and laughed which was sooooo cute.  She now ( touch wood ) sleeps 1 and a half to 2 hours in the day not 30 minutes and generally the odd bad night aside inly waking once or twice a night.  

They have met a few close friends now. They have been to their cousins and one friends house. I know mixing more is our next step and I think we're ready but I am happy with how we are and I guesd scared of taking steps back. I know that I can't turn into a semi hermit I guess it's just baby steps.  Neither of my girls are that happy during car travel which puts me off too I guess.  

All is good in world DIY fingers crossed.  We are making our little steps forward and ploughing on. It's crazy to think they've only been with us for such a short time it feels forever xx


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## Billybeans

Great update Hun. So happy things are getting easier & sounds like you have good routines going on  xx


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## Sq9

Lovely update


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## Wyxie

Lovely to hear how things are going.  It sounds like you're making really positive steps and things are going as well as they could be.  I completely understand the dilemma of not wanting to overwhelm and unsettle v needing to start socialising at some point, and how much is good how soon.  It's a tough one, and I think it's inevitable that whenever you do it there will be some degree of distress and any associated behaviours or disruptions to sleep and eating and you need to prepare yourself for dealing with that, and balance it with periods in between where things are calm and becoming familiar.  I think you can get your family and friends to do a lot to help though.  Often I find the difficulty with Wyxling was everyone making her the absolute focus of attention, which she loves and hates in equal measure, and it was very stressful.  The people we found easiest to see where those who were interested and receptive, and very welcoming and positive to and about her, but who also focussed attention on other things, adult conversations, their own children etc.  The visits where everything and everyone was just completely consumed with Wyxling were the ones that always had disastrous after-effects.

It sounds like you're doing about as well as anyone could possibly be expected to in the circumstances, which doesn't surprise me at all, and I'm so happy for you and your new family,

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

Totally lovely update. Like Wxyie I found socialising easier where I could just focus on LO & meeting other adults. With some family I was very on edge and micro managing them too in case they over-stepped (and that's what caused any regression). If I handled it well then there wasn't too much unsettling.

At least you have the nice outdoor weather & the school hols coming up do should provide opportunities to get what you are looking for x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Is so true eldest copes best when just left by others to do her thing she struggles with people who are focused on her.  Luckily she's quiet and won't talk but will shout no mummy if she's not happy.  This is generally if someone tries to help her with something like her coat etc she doesn't want them to.  I'm very grateful that for now our two are unwilling to accept affection or support from others.  Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We're plodding on here sorry I'm so rubbish at updating.  My youngest is coming on in leaps and bounds and is a monkey.  My eldest is finding her feet and her confidence.  She  is gorgeous and sweet 90% of the time but when she goes it's spectacular.  She screams and lashes out that much I worry the neighbours will think I'm murdering her at times. Especially as she shouts mummy don't hurt me - obviously I'm not but old habits stick I guess.  Her tantrums are two fold some are simply because screaming and lashing out has got people to back down to her for the first three and a half years of her life. Some is confusion trauma and fear. It's hard unpicking what you're dealing with. Today she had what started as a fairly normal three year old tantrum but switched into 20 minutes of horrendous screaming etc. 

After she calmed down I was quickly finishing dinner we were behind schedule then. She burst out crying and said I can't have any dinner now becuase I'm naughty.  I asked her what she meant she cried and said I'm hungry and I can't eat with everyone because im too naughty.  I held her and told her we'll always feed her breakfast lunch and dinner because she needs them. I told her I would never not let her eat. She asked about it again when I put her to bed. Food is a big issue for my angel and it's no wonder. People say nothing prepares you to parent. I don't agree in general if you aren't prepared for changing your life lack of sleep etc within reason in my view you need to have a word with yourself.  However I can honestly say nothing prepared me for the hurt I feel knowing that my baby has not been fed because she has misbehaved.  

It also brings home that nothing is random it might appear to be nothing that triggers things but obviously today the fear of not being fed due to a tantrum near dinner turned an everyday tantrum into a trauma nightmare.  My poor angel love you baby xxx


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## Frangipanii

Sounds like the pefect mummy for the job to me. It takes heart and courage to parent a child who has been through hidieous events, take courage that she is opening her past world to you! You are marvellous! We went through similar issues and it is hard but she knows us now and she feel safe but it took a while. 
Love to you lovely! Xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks hun xx


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## Sq9




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## -x-Lolly-x-

I was about to put that I think you're doing an amazing job but scrap that, I KNOW you are. Your girls are absolutely delightful, not to mention totally gorgeous! You are approaching everything so well. Parenting the child who hurts is the toughest job and takes special people. You're one of them sweetie and all will be just fine. Just a little way to travel first


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Xxxxxxxt


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