# Advice Needed - 2 rejections from Agencies



## brisvegas (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi,

I am hoping someone can help us.  We have put forward enquiries with 4 agencies, who have all come to see us.  We were told to apply to many due to the government spending cuts.

We have been told to gain more recent childcare experience, and don't know how much will be enough?  I currently do 4 hours per week as a Mothers help and dh wants to wait until we are accepted before doing some volunteer work.

How are we supposed to gain experience if they won't tell us how much we need?  All my family live in OZ and dh's are in South Africa.

I am so upset and don't want to feel like we are the only ones this has ever happened to. Has anyone else been told this?

Thanks


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## Maccer (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi Brisvegas,

I have no experience in this but I just wanted to send you a   .  I would say continue with what you are doing, do you have any friends with young children?  If so, ask them to babysit every now and again. 

I am also from South Africa and when we first started, I was concerned about our support network but we have some friends in the UK but we also mentioned that my family are always at the end of a phone.  

Is the only reason they are not taking you on is because of your experience with children?  

I hope you get somewhere soon, feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.

Maccer x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

hi


don't give up hope, try a VA if LA are saying govt cutbacks, you will need a strong support network, it is tough when the kids came home, so having family around does help....do you have a strong network around you?


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Hi there 

We both volunteered during prep (and post approval) - DH found a local saturday school where he helped out as a classroom assistant for 5 and 6 year olds, and I volunteer with a playgroup for 2 hours per week. Not huge amounts of time, but shows your commitment and also a big selling point where you are competing for children!! 
Good luck on your journey!


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## brisvegas (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your responses, sorry for the late responses, I forgot to click notify  .  

Maccer - 1 LA said not enough local support & lack of experience with children, the other one said lack of experience with children.
JulesF - how many people do you consider to be in your support network, do you think we have enough?
Clomidia - I will look into the school option for dh, that sounds good.

Currently we have 2 more agencies 'discussing' us at the moment one LA & 1 VA, we should hear from the LA tomorrow, and I am going to chase up the VA.

With our support network, I have 2/3 people to help, my parents (both retired), an ex-health visitor who has started up her own business to help parents, so to me that is a good local support network.  Am I wrong?

For the past month I have been doing a mothers help role with a friend of a friend, and dh is going to start after we get the acceptance letter. 

To me it feels worse than the BFNs we have experienced in the past, this time it is like a public refusal, if that makes sense.


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Grr, that makes me so mad to hear they are rejecting you outright because of lack of experience with children! Surely they could just ask you to get some experience as you prepare... do they not realise that many couples actively avoid children when they are dealing with infertility and loss?!?! Our VA did, and completely understood!!! I am so upset for you, and really hope that one of the other two agencies have a bit more cop on and are willing to take you further. 

As for support network, this is really important (obviously), but my family live in another country and dh's parents are in their 80s! So we have emphasised how they will provide emotional support for us but obviously more practical support comes close to home - neighbours and friends living nearby were key to them being happy with us.  It's about highlighting friends with children, so they can help with playdates and advise, and, closer to home, we had to think of "who would we call in an emergency in the middle of the night" - that comes from some very close friends and neighbours - who we've done the same for. 

Please don't be too disheartened, agencies that say no because of lack of experience don't sound very positive in my book, you will find the right one if you keep looking. I rang a load of LA and VAs and was very disappointed by their responses ("we only want ethnic minorities", "you wouldn't want the children we have" etc etc) until I found our VA. Couldn't be happier with them now, they are 100% focussed on us and getting us through all this (we're linked now with out Littley and going to Matching Panel in a few weeks... )


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## chickadeedee (Nov 19, 2010)

Hi,

I have not posted on an adoption threa for yolks but often lurk, your story has got me typing though. 
I don't know where you are, we are in Scotland and were not asked to gain experience. I take it this is all prior to home assessment? I hope you find a way to convince that you have or can get the experience they are looking for.
As for support network, we are English but have lived in Scotland for nearly 15 years. All our family are in Newcastle or Oz. We had a few close friends close by at time of assessment (11/07) but most were a long way from where we live. I did tell our SW that at the time I didn't know who these people were but I knew I would gain many a friend once our little one came home, and that is exactly what happened. We live in a small village and in the 2 years since our little one came home I now have over 100 local ******** friends, who babysit, take Toots for a sleepover etc.. Your support network will 'happen'.

Hope this is of some help and I wish you all the luck in the world. Adoption isn't the easiest journey we've been on but it's the most rewarding. 

Chick xx


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## brisvegas (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi All,

Thanks so much for all of your comments.  Your support has helped me to stay sane 

Well since my last post I have frantically been racking my brains over all of this and I think things may be moving in a positive direction.

We went to Salisbury's on the weekend and there was the local Scout group packing peoples groceries for money, I approached the leader to ask about volunteering to be told that a new group is starting in March in our local area with 'taster sessions' for the volunteers to be held over the first 3 months of 2012. This is perfect for my dh as he has wanted to wait to volunteer until we have been accepted anywhere.

We are still waiting to hear back from the 2 agencies, so FC we may get accepted by one of them.  I think that our journey has been made worse by the economy and all of the cut backs, although the LA's & VA's in our area have not made redundancies, they just don't replace people when they leave.  One LA has gone from a team of 7 down to 3 (+1 on Mat Leave).  They told us that of all the people that get a home visit, they only take on 30 - 40% of the couples, so my dh feels that they are cherry picking and coming up with excuses as to why they are not choosing us.  It feels even worse than getting a BFN after treatment  

Clomidia - What VA did you end up going with?
Chickadeedee - I take your point with the local support network growing.  I had mentioned to the SW that I would join Mum and baby / toddler groups etc and would make friends there.  Clearly they have not taken this on  

Thanks again for all of your support, it has really helped me.  I am hoping that we will hear back from the other 2 before Christmas, as we would like to tell our families (more dh's than mine, as my parents already know) for Christmas

Take care girls


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

I've PM'd you - good luck!!!


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## brisvegas (Nov 25, 2010)

Good news today!!!! We have been accepted by the VA and start prep course in Feb 

***dancing with joy***

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me


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## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

brisvegas: woo hoo ....... sooooo pleased for you hun wishing you all the love in the world and then some more


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Yaaaaaaaay!! Well done!!!


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Just wanted to say WELL DONE! You've shown you're up to this by not giving up!   
Wishing you lots of luck
Duckling xx


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