# Bump Envy and jealousy- does it EVER go away *PLS DON'T JUDGE!!*



## 2ForJoy

Quick one from me... I just needed to ask someone!

Soo... I have an (amazing!) 18 month old after severe MF IF following IVF.  I love him dearly, more than I could ever describe.

After we discovered our IF I would always get major "bump envy" and jealousy pangs from those people "lucky enough" to conceive naturally... often with no effort required    I got quite bad to the point I would avoid situations where there may be a PG lady!

FFWD to now and I still feel that way when I see a PG lady!  I really hate to admit this but I just wana scream at them "do you know how fricking lucky you are?  I'd love to be able to jump into bed with DH and 2 weeks later be PG"!!  (Please don't judge me for saying that). So I have just come home from my son's baby group... the ONLY social activity we do due to me working full time... and a PG lady sits next to me with her 1 year old... I was so happy for her but at the same time I feel so SOOO JEALOUS!

Sorry for my rant...does anyone else ever feel like this or is there something wrong with me?!!


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## Wishings15

I'm going on my 6th round of IVF and I hope I don't feel like this after I'm hopefully successful. 

I can't bare pregnant women at the moment


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## 2ForJoy

MASSIVE ((hugs)) to you wishing.  I pray you are successful xx


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## Franny80

There definitely isn’t anything wrong with you. I feel so angry at the unfairness of it all the time. Even when good friends have fallen pregnant, and I love them dearly, I have felt this overwhelming anger and want to scream and shout. I have found that infertility hasn’t always made me into the nicest person or that good a friend. I think infertility, IVF etc.. is a long, difficult journey and it’s not like you can just click your fingers and all that goes away. Even after a pregnancy. When I was briefly pregnant  I found it really weird as I was suddenly ‘fertile’ and lumped in with all the other normal pregnant people. The last three, pretty horrendous years didn’t matter to the midwife etc.. but it was still massively on the top of my mind. Unfortunately I miscarried, but hopefully I can achieve another pregnancy in the future. A friend who went through IVF and eventually adopted said to me that in the end it makes you a better person, as it’s left her with more empathy for people who go through difficult things. I hope this is what happens for me. 

x


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## Erin4

Nothing wrong with you!! Or if there is, there is something wrong with me too!! I've got 10month old twin girls, and I couldn't be more in love with them, most recently jealously was my sister getting pregnant, she rang and told me, my first reaction was the gut wrenching feeling of jealously, and putting my happy face on! And obviously I'm so happy and excited for her and can't wait for the girls to have a cousin so the jealously makes no sense!! I had so much bleeding and scares at the beginning of my pregnancy and then they came at 30 weeks so part of me feels really sad that I didn't get the pregnancy I always dreamed of even though I got my babies! Infertility leaves it scars 😢 xx


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## simone546

I'm pregnant right now and am still jealous of others. I know how absolutely, enormously lucky I am.... but I think Im envious of how easy some people have it. Being pregnant doesn't make you forget the little ones you lose along the way or take away the long and painful journey to success.

Wishing all the strength and best wishes to those still on this journey.

Xxx


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## Bahhumbug

You're not alone at all... 
My 10 week-old miracle is asleep upstairs and i still have bump envy even though we have been so so lucky to even have him. 
Whilst pregnant i found it really tough being treat ed the same as everyone else - i still had a ton of baggage and was - and still am - in mourning for the children we lost along the way. I am part of a counselling group now and still have a way to go.
IF doesn't leave you even if you are fortunate enough to have a 'happy ending' - i still feel like i have feet in both camps
Xx


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## Bahhumbug

I also feel really un easy when people - and this happens a lot - breezily talk about how easy it will be to have a second child, like all the years of hurt and sadness are so easily erased and we're somehow 'fixed'. I still feel deep sadness despite the joy. People mean well but to be so blasé doesn't sit well with me
X


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## 2ForJoy

Aww ladies thank you all so much for your replies and making me feel a little more normal and a little less b*tchy!  I too had that feeling when I was filtered into the NHS... like "what, am I supposed to just put the last 8 years of pain behind me and be just a reglar PG person now?!"  It really is crazy what this journey does to you. Following my (traumatic) birth I had severe PND and PTSD so was in counselling for some time... it helped a little but not matter what you do that niggle will always be there.  Call me naive but I just assumed that once PG and when I had baby in arms it would all vanish... if only!

Anyway... must just be on a downer today so apologies for the negativity and ranting LOL! We are all lucky to have each other...we all know how this journey feels.  The details are different but the overall story is the same.

Thank you xx


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## ~Sapphire~

It is true that having a child after infertility doesn't suddenly make all those feelings go away.  I was surprised after my eldest daughter was born that when a lady from our baby group announced she was expecting her second I still felt that punch to the heart - I didn't expect to feel that way.  I think the thing is we are so acutely aware of how very lucky we are and that sadly not everyone gets to be that lucky, that when we feel like that we then feel so guilty for reacting that way. I think it is normal.  If it is at all helpful, I don't feel that way anymore, pregnancy announcements and bumps don't have any negative affect on me at all now. It can happen, it just takes time.

Take care.

S xx


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## 2ForJoy

Sapphire that makes perfect sense, thank you.  I do feel incredibly guilty for freaking out when I hear an announcement but I know it is all jealously that I cannot "simply" achieve what they have.  FX it will fade in time!


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## Surfergirl

Hi,

I expected having a baby would erase a lot of the hurt I have felt through not being able to conceive naturally. However, it doesn't seem to work out like that! After 6 cycles of IVF and an horrendously stressful pregnancy, my daughter was born at 26 weeks weighing exactly 1lb. She was very, very poorly but fortunately survived and we spent 6 months in hospital. I count myself as exceptionally lucky as, despite some issues relating to her prematurity, she is doing well. I wouldn't want to risk another pregnancy and, tbh, wouldn't want to go through IVF again but do have the odd pang relating to, I think, the fact the 'choice' has been taken away from me. It is hard but I focus on helping my daughter to catch up with her peers and enjoying her early years! 😊 Xx


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## magicpillow

I've read this thread with interest as although I don't have my baby yet (and I hope I will one day) I have often thought that if I did end up having a baby, I'd still find it difficult to hear about other pregnancies that have happened easily.  I think infertility leaves huge scars as the journey is so long and painful and other people don't understand.  For most people it's a given that they will be able to have a family when they choose to.  
During my tww on my last ivf I found out that someone I work with was pregnant by accident which left me crying all evening. I remember thinking that if I ended up getting a bfp, I didn't want to be lumped in with her as 'the two pregnant ones' as it had happened for her without even trying and for me I've had 4 years of heartache and a mc.  I do think I will still struggle if I ever am pregnant as I will want people to know that I'm not a normal pregnant person and what I have gone through!


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## 2ForJoy

Absolutely with you there *magicpillow*! It doesn't stop there either- I felt the same at post natal group!

Aww *surfergirl *I'm sorry to hear about the very scary start to your daughters life but ane happy things turned out OK in the end... what a fighter and what a brave mama you are! I completely understand your decision for no more. In fact it has only been a recent conversation DH and I have had. In a nutshell DS was born 40+12 by emergency section following failure to progress. My body gave up and I hemorrhaged on the table whilst he was taken to scbu (distress after 36hrs labour). They couldn't stop the bleeding for some time and I had a transfusion. Fast forward 4 hours and DS was fine  But I felt unwell... next thing i'm being told Im hemorrhaging again... I was in and out of consciousness but I do remember them getting DH to sign a waiver that he agrees to a hysterectomy if needed ... the stopped the bleeding and avoided the hysterectomy. I spent some time in intensive care but I fought to be well. DH said NEVER EVER again! I've had some ongoing gynae issues following the birth (ovary stretched and adhered to abdo wall) but the consultant reassured us both that that and the birth should pose no issues should we want a sibling so we are going to try again in June!

Sorry... that was a long "nutshell".

Big hugs ladies


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## bunny73

I would just like to thank you for starting this thread - it has relieved me so much to read others having the same feelings as me!
I have recently been feeling so angry inside about this & feel I can't vent or explain to my friends who have conceived easily because they just won't get it!
I have a lg who I adore & I feel very lucky to have her - but that longing & envy is still very strongly there for me.
I know lots of pregnant people at the moment, some of which are very close friends & I am very happy & excited for them - but when you know that 1 was an accident as they didn't want anymore children, 1 is there 3rd child conceived literally from doing the deed once & 2 others fell the first time they tried (or weren't really trying!!) It takes a bit of time to get your head round!! Its how easy it all is that I feel angry and jealous about! And that we went through 4 icsi cycles, 2 frozen cycles, 1 miscarriage, 2 lots off ohss, ending up in hospital, heavy bleeding in early pregnancy & baby coming early just to get to where we are today - it seems crazy that it's so easy for others!!
Just writing this all down is helping. I'm sorry for waffling & ranting! 
Lots of love to you ladies who have been through so much & still are going through it - all I can say is life's a *****!!!! But in the end hopefully we will all find happiness.
Bunny xx


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## Blondie71

Having missed almost a whole trimester due to prematurity I find myself wondering what the normal experience may have been like but it's fading by the day x


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Hello ladies,

I dont know if i am jealous everytime someone i know gets pregnant or i feel down because my husband starts talking about it...but there is something else i am jealous about. I live in the Middle East where the care i need doesnt exist. We have a complicated immune treatment and it is just not offered,even if i would pay. So,every time i have to travel and stay abroad for all the pregnancy because ivig isnt something i can get here. Even necessary immune testing doesnt exist and i need testing every month up to 6 months. And since we do the transfer abroad,the same is with the retrieval. I did get a child after so many retrievals and 6 transfers. Now,trying for no 2 and it is not easy to travel with a toddler,esp such long distance flights. It is not even as safe as before. Whenever turbulations start,i start crying because i am afraid. So,this is what i am jealous of,that in my country the necessary treatment doesnt exist although the country is doing fine and that i have to risk my and my family lives every time we travel!


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## magicpillow

It's so reassuring to read all these posts as I'm sure I'll be the same if I ever end up having a baby as it's something I've often thought about.  2forJoy, I can't believe what you're been through.  Re the post natal group; I can well imagine.  I'm sure in that situation I'd just been envious that other people have been able to have a baby just through having sex a few times without all the medical intervention and years of heartache.  There should be post natal groups for women who have been through ivf and difficult journeys!


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## Fertilityhawk

I've recently found out that i'll never be able to conceive naturally (beforehand I was in the unexplained category so every month we lived with the "well we might get a miracle" but now that we know we definitely won't it so hard to accept.  

I find it so incredibly hard to look at pregnant women.  A guy at work (I'm the only woman working with 10 men) showed me his wife's 12 week scan picture yesterday and all I could say, whilst a huge smile was plastered on my face, was wow it's got a head and everything    We both laughed before I rushed to the toilet for a little cry.

I seem to see pregnant women everywhere, the worst ones are in the services when I'm queuing for a coffee.  I find myself staring at them, either at their pregnant bump or of them feeding their baby.  It's heartbreaking    

Thing is I've had 2 such bad experiences with IVF that I'm terrified to do another round.  I need to lose about 21lbs and feel as though time is running out - I'm 37 in a couple of months.  I've tried to distract myself with house improvements but now they're over there's just a massive void.

How do you move forward positively?


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## Aley

I think of all you ladies I am the worse when it comes to jealousy.
There was a time when I was between pregnant women and babies all the time, bumps and accidental pregnancies ( I was on the pill when I had my third!) was something I had to go through daily. Fortunately enough I changed jobs and I don't have to see that all the time now, however dealing with this while I was going through IVF had left me with a lot of scars. 

I often feel ashamed of how I feel, of my jealousy and angryness. 
A distant friend got pregnant from her first IVF and while I was doing my second round, after first failed, message me to say good luck or something and the usual 'I know how you feel' and I hated it...how can she possibly know how I was feeling?! I understand she had IVF and had difficulty time conceiving but she never had to take that phonecall 'I am sorry, you're not pregnant' she never had to call the clinic to arrange an appointment because 'my IVF failed...again'. So no, she can't possibly understand. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I can't control my feelings anymore. 
A few days after my first failure one of my best friend told me she did a pregnancy test and was positive...she didn't want a child and her encounter was more a one night stand, I thought then I am gonna die. After a few more days her period came and she tested negative, I remember saying to myself ' Thanks God!'. I know, it's am awful thing to say and think.
For the record, that's not me, I am a competitive soul but I never had to deal with so much jealousy and envy, with the permanent feeling of failure. I know I am not in a good place and I wonder if I will ever go back to how I was. Probably not.


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## Irish Dee

Hi ladies,

The topic caught my eye. I have an amazing 4 year old daughter conceived when I was 39, (born when I was 40), following 7 awful years of infertility and 5 negatives is a row before success. For various different reasons, we never tried again for a sibling and I've made my peace with that long ago.

It always annoys me when people feel that because I was lucky enough to have my daughter that I'm 'cured', (if that's the right term). 

One of the best analogies that I ever came across was in an American fertility website and it said something along the lines of: 

Going through infertility is similar to walking, barefoot through broken glass. If you're lucky to get to the other side with the baby or babies that you've dreamed of, yes, the acute pain of walking on broken glass is gone, but you forever carry the scars.

Hugs ladies,

Dee


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## Blondie71

Just replying to stephw123 you asked how to move forward positively? I was 41 and had no tubes whatsoever when I had my twins so keep the goal, it's definitely not over  just a different route


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## sarahsuperdork

I count myself exceptionally fortunate to have two children from four rounds of treatment and *still* don't think this journey will ever leave me. The choice of how large our family will be has been taken away from us and I think that plays a part in bump jealousy, even if you've been successful.

Sending love to all.


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## KMel

What you're feeling is completely normal! I now have a 1 year old after several attempts at IVF, and even now I still look at pregnant women and feel a pang in my chest.. especially when that person is my cousin and her pregnancy was completely by accident. I think it's a matter of taking a deep breath, looking at the little chap/chappette that is your success story and remembering that you are blessed!


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## 2ForJoy

Just reviving my old "Jealousy Thread" as guess what... i'm feeling it now more than ever  

So said toddler group I mentioned before being the ONLY social activity I do with my son has another 2 bumps and original bump lady has had her baby...and is talking about trying for no3... WTF!

Seem's everyone walking passed my house right now is also with child and here I am sat in my PJ's craving another whle I have the most beautiful almost 2 year old snoozing upstairs.  Why the hell can't I switch this off!

I have decided my issue is definitely not because they are PG but they were able to get PG... make sense?!

Anyway... hope all is well


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## BrightSpark99

Perfect sense. And I don't even have one child. I don't think infertility EVER leaves you. Good luck Hun xx


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## Froggy82

Hi 2ForJoy,

A woman from my NCT class got pregnant 6 months after her first and I remember feeling so bitter and jealous of her (even if I already had my beautiful daughter). I just learned a couple of weeks ago that her first was an IVF baby and a second a total unexpected miracle. Many pregnant women around us are actually "us", women who have suffered from IF...

I only started to not be hurt by the sight or news of pregnant woman after my second baby. For my DH and I, IF will never be over because we have donor egg babies and we've decided to tell them. But somehow, and I never EVER thought I would feel that way, I am ok.

No matter how many people tell you: "you can/should be happy now that you have a baby", you have no control over your feelings of jealousy or loss, even with a baby in your arms. But I believe that time makes things better, maybe because we forget, even just a little bit, the trauma we've gone through. But we need to acknowledge that healing and mourning for our losses doesn't happen in nine months.

Wishing everyone out there the baby they long for and the peace and happiness they deserve so much after the hardships of IF xx


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## Ditzygirl

2forjoy - I really feel for you! I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my 1st after 2nd round of icsi and feel so unbelievably lucky every day...however I'm already beginning to wonder whether we'll be able to have any more and wondering whether I'll feel satisfied with one. I feel really ungrateful saying that. A friend of mine announced her pregnancy this week and she wasn't even trying yet. It made me so mad and I hate myself for feeling that way. xxx


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## Opossum

I find I have very much the opposit

I was jealous but in a copable way before DS birth (but I was always jealous of people with babies even before being sexually active but it was 'normal' jealousy)

after DS was born I was very contented at that point, having a baby to focus on was a lot of work and I honestly couldnt of handle 2 little ones at once so my jealousy lifted and I could even watch 'one born every minute' and give advice to pregnant women 

about the 3 year mark are really started wanting another (always wanted a 3 year gap and with DS in nursery and toilet trained etc... life was much easier) so we started trying, I wouldnt say I was super jealous but I had an unrelenting urge to have another but each year the jealousy grew - I could still be around friends who where pregnant etc... although ignorant strangers or 'bad' mothers (smokers, drinkers etc... when pregnant) irritated me

3 years later when my DS was six as we waited to start IVF I fell pregnant naturally and the world was perfect until the second ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat... that was 3 years ago and I absoloutly cant deal with it anymore, I cant pretend to be happy for anyone else - its a raging HATRED for everyone that 'lucky' really and its led to me deleting and pulling away from friends and cutting everyone out, it feel like a punch to the gut everytime a baby or pregnant woman pops up in a public place

for me time makes it worse and jealousy definately grows exponentially with time... I was very calm at the begining but by the end ill be lucky to have any sanity left


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## Opossum

Froggy82
you must be around very different pregnant women and mothers too me... I swear the hottest mummy trend where I live is to brag about how you kids where an unwanted oops babies and you wished you hadnt had kids


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## Efi78

Hope you don't mind me jumping in
I actually don't feel jealousy. I may feel a pinch, have a feeling of unfairness but that's it.Jealousy is a humanly feeling but it is also a useless one. Always there will be someone who has something more tha us. And always there will be someone who has less than us. Don't compare yourselves to the others. What matters is what you are happy with. My friends has managed to have baby for example but she may don't have your career or looks. Or the baby may have put too much pressure on her relationship and not be happy anymore. 

I am sad that I don't have a baby but the reason is not because other people do have. It's sad because I haven't managed to have one and we would make amazing parents.i would advice you to concentrate on yourselves and not on what others do. You never know what they went through to have their children and you don't know how they really feel behind appearances. You may find that an infertile couple may be hppier than the fertile one


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