# IP's Where to start??



## Sarah_Bee (Mar 13, 2005)

Hi everyone

We are at the beginning of our surrogacy journey. I found out at the end of November that carrying a child of my own wasnt possible. But we have embryos stored from previous (unsuccessful) attempts at IVF so are looking for a GS to carry our embies for us.

It is so difficult knowing where to go at the next step. I have read everything I can find on the subject so am up to speed with the legalities and practicalities surrounding surrogacy - but finding someone is going to be hard I think.

We have had a few brief contacts but that's all. I'm sure we are like all IP's on here. It's a combination of desperately wanting to go ahead with anyone just to finally get to the end of our journey, combined with extreme fussiness about the sort of woman we want to go on this journey with. I'm a great believer in going with your gut instinct and this is what we are relying on the most and so far ..nothing.

All you IP's out there - can anyone give us tips on the sort of questions we should ask potential GS's?

Ooh it's such a minefield!

Many thanks

Sarah
xx


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi Sarah

I would positively recommend being really fussy when choosing a surrogate (or IP)  Its such a huge thing that its really important that you really like your surro and that she really likes you too 

I would advise checking out www.surrogacyuk.org and gather as much information as you can - You can join the message boards without actually becoming a full member 

Their philosophy is 'friendship first, surrogacy second' which is why I chose them over other organisations and I am glad I made that decision.

You can get to know surrogates through their message boards and they have regular social gatherings too   

/links

Hope that helps a bit 

xx


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## OD2 (Oct 1, 2007)

Hi Sarah,

I'm an IP too, and like Jennifer I joined SUK to start my journey.  My husband and I met Kate (our surrogate) and her husband Dennis at a SUK conference about 14 months ago, then spent about 6 months getting to know and trust each other before they offered to help.  Due to various other necessary delays we're just starting to try to get pregnant now.  

I completely understand your dilemma about feeling impatient to get going (secretly we thought "surely it's possible to make it work even if the first person who offers doesn't seem ideal") and feeling frightened of entrusting your hopes and precious embies to someone you haven't even met yet ("what if they drink, smoke, forget to take their drugs and are an emotional liability").  At SUK the impatience is understood but people are encouraged to resist it - the mantra is "take your time, get to know each other, friendship first" and to be honest, it's a bit frustrating at first.  After all, we're all adults aren't we, and we know what risks we're taking so it can feel a bit like big sister is watching you.    

We just got lucky - the first people we met are just great, and we didn't realise quite how fond of Kate and her family we would become, but we did trust them instantly and would have been delighted if they'd offered to help in the first month after we met them rather than 6 months later.  But, with 20/20 hindsight, I'm pleased we took that time - it gives me confidence that whatever happens next, we're all in it together and it won't feel fake or a chore to stay in touch in the future - quite the opposite.  I can't imagine a child of mine not having a relationship with Kate and her family and I personally would miss her very much if we lost touch. 

At the start, it's also really easy to underestimate how hard a surrogacy journey is and how much pressure the lumps and bumps along the way can put on your relationship - it's a bit like a marriage to he honest and sadly, I've seen several surrogacy relationships break down under that pressure and it's heartbreaking to watch - it's particularly difficult if there's a pregnancy underway by then.

So, however much you feel like getting on with it, and however annoying it is when everyone tells you to take your time, I'd really urge you to take a deep breath and settle in for the long-game.  Obviously timings vary for different people, but we estimated that it would take a year or more to meet someone, maybe another to get pregnant (fingers crossed) and of course 9 months after that, and we're on track for that timetable.  Remember that your precious little embies aren't going to get any older, and if you join one of the support organisations you'll meet some great people along the way.  I can honestly say that now I'm closer to some of the people I've met through SUK than I am to some of my long-term friends because it's just great to have a group of people who properly understand what you're going through.

Sorry, Sarah, I'm in a reflective mood and seem to have ranted on a bit!!  
I hope it's helpful, and would really encourage you to join the SUK boards and come to a social or two - once you get over the initial weirdness of it all, it's actually quite good fun.

Most of all - good luck and welcome to the surrogacy community - may you be one of its success stories!

Fiona
x


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## oll737 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hi sarah
Im an ip too..... rather than joining one of the organisations we have been searching our selves via the american sites as lots of british surrogates post on their too, its just a loop hole as its illegal to advertise in the uk for surrogates.  if you want the addresses of the site please pm me.
But in hind sight, i think we have waited as long as we would have going with an organisation as like you i have needed the surrogate to be right for me, however we are almost ready to embark on our journey withh a surrogate, but its been a wait,  i wish you all the luck in the world to getting started and hope you find a lovely lady soon.


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## Freckles (Sep 10, 2004)

Hi Sarah,

I had my hysterectomy in July 06 and we had found a surrogate and were expecting twins by the end of November the same year, so it doesn't always take forever. We didn't go ahead with our first surrogate because we didn't agree on some important issues but our 2nd surrogate was perfect. Our surrogate is American, they have agencies there that help to match you with the right person, as well as lawyers to protect all parties' rights - but it is much more expensive than the UK. 

Some things to think about when talking with potential surrogates are;

- How comfortable do you feel around them, do you think they're approachable and would you feel comfortable sharing any concerns you may have.
- Her reasons for becoming a surrogate.
- Do you share the same views on termination and selective reduction if it were necessary 
- The sort of relationships you both want before, during and after the pregnancy
- What her family are like and whether they're supportive of her being a surrogate
- Is she willing to accept doctor's orders such as bedrest
- How do they feel about carrying multiples (and how do you feel about having them!)

It's also important to try and be as objective as possible. I was devastated when we realised we couldn't go ahead with our first surrogate because I'd set my heart on her being the perfect person to carry our baby for us. I couldn't believe we'd be lucky to meet anyone else so wonderful but our 2nd and eventual surrogate was actually even more suited to us and I wouldn't have wanted things any other way.

If you'd like any more info about my experiences please PM me.

xxxx


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## Fruitbat24 (Nov 6, 2006)

Hi Sarah

Its not difficult finding someone willing to carry a child wiht you - its difficult finding that person that you get on with and are both in the right place and time to do a surrogacy together.

I was lucky enough, through SUK, to find two surrogate mums willing to work with me.  We had two go's with the first - and then sadly had to end our relationship due to unforeseen circumstances.  Now we have been offered help by another surrogate mum and so far all is going to plan.

The key thing is to stick to it, spend plenty of time on message boards getting to know people - also it keeps the frustration of waiting at bay.  There are quite a few websites around - which I find frustrating as they all end up being quite small.  Though the largest of them all, COTS, can feel a bit impersonal at times.

good Luck wiht it all!


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