# Just need to talk!



## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

I'm hoping that describing how I'm feeling right now will help me feel better, so here goes! 

My boss told me yesterday that one of my ex-colleagues is five months pregnant and may be popping into the office to see us all sometime soon. I did what I usually do and pretended to be really happy whilst feeling like I'd been stabbed in the heart again!

I obviously know that there are so many other people in my position, I only have to look at all of the couples in the waiting room at the clinic when I go or look at all the people on this forum to be reminded of this. However, in my everyday life I can't help feeling like I'm the only one!

I work for a very small company and my colleagues who wanted a family now have one (one even told me to ignore what people say about how hard it is to conceive because she fell pregnant straight away and it's really easy apparently!). Even those women who weren't thinking of starting a family have accidentally fallen pregnant. And family members who are a lot younger than me are now starting to have families of their own, by accident rather than by planning! I just seem to be surrounded by people who have no problems whatsoever conceiving and it hurts so bad!

What makes it worse is that I'm a few days late so I allowed myself to get my hopes up that a miracle may have happened. I did a test this morning and, of course, it was negative! I can't believe how upset I was, I knew it was such a long shot, especially since we'd been ttc for 6 years. I just can't imagine a time when I'll see that extra line on the test. I guess I feel a bit without hope right now!


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## Kipper1977 (May 31, 2011)

Hi

I know exactly how you're feeling.  My husband and I have been TTC since 2006.  Tests showed he had low sperm count, motility, etc and we were told IVF was our only hope.  We've been through 2 ICSI cycles and 1 FET, all BFN.

I found out a few months back that my sister is now pregnant.  She's younger than me, not even been with her boyfriend that long, has smoked for years.  It just seems so unfair.  I feel bad for not feeling happier for her.  She seems delighted to be expecting and I know she'll make a good mum, but I want it to be me so much that it seems to be all I feel.  It's the same when I hear any of my friends are pregnant.  I just want it to happen for us.  We didn't see our niece until she was 6 months old because at the time we were going through ICSI and couldn't face it.

You're not alone in feeling how you do.


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Thanks Kipper1977 for your reply. It's helpful to be reminded that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do.

When one of colleagues was pregnant I found it really difficult to be around her. On her last day before she went on maternity leave we had a gathering of all staff to say goodbye and wish her luck etc. I was particularly struggling this day and I couldn't face this meeting, so I made my excuses not to attend and sent my apologies. A couple of days later I got called into the office by my boss and basically got told off for not attending. I tried to explain that it wasn't anything personal and he called me a liar! I then explained that my DH and I could not have children naturally and I'd found the whole experience really difficult. This was the first time I'd really told anyone about our struggles and he told me, and I quote, 'I don't care about your feelings'. He basically told me that I should have put my colleague and the 'team' first and I was selfish to put myself first!

This is just one example of people's insensitivity that I have experienced - I'm sure other people have plenty of their own.

Our HR Manager got involved because I'd got so upset and she basically told me that she had a friend who could not have children but she loved getting involved with other people's children, so why couldn't I be like that too?

This is the same woman who, a couple of weeks after my first failed ICSI cycle, tried to push a colleagues toddler upon me! She knew how upset I'd been, why did she think that this would be a good idea?

I can't decide whether some people just are really naive about how this issue can affect people or whether they seem to think that they're doing me a favour by exposing me to pregnant people or babies/young children - that somehow the more exposure I get, the more immune I will become!

And my family seem to think that the first ICSI cycle was undertaken on some kind of whim and I'll not be bothering again. I've been told 'You'll just get yourself all upset', like I can just give up and go on to lead a happy life! Or I'm continously told 'It'll happen', 'things will sort themselves out' etc. I know they are just trying to help me stay positive but I find it really frustrating. I'd rather talk openly about my concerns, issues etc. rather than pretend they don't exist but my family don't seem to want to do this!

Sorry for the rant!


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## Yellow38 (Nov 13, 2010)

April - I really feel for you and your situation.  I have been ttc since 2006 and we are unexplained.  3 months ago my BF told me she was pregnant (day after ET on my last failed cycle).  They only started trying I think because of us, and then low and behold within 6 months -  pregnant.  

I saw her this week for the first time since they told me in something of a show down because I hadn't been able to face seeing her and it was starting to get to the point where she was getting angry about it.  I really never thought I could handle it, but I did, and am glad.  Astonishingly, even though she is pregnant and has been a close part of our lives for several years, and was even with us on the last holiday we had in 2006 when I came off the pill, she said "she couldn't believe and didn't realise how much this had dominated my life".  People who have not been in our position don't understand, even those that try or say they do don't.  There is only really "us" that do, though remember even though you don't know "us", there are lots of "us" out there that do understand and know exactly how you feel.

Good luck with everything.
Yellow x


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Yellow38, I think what your BF said about how she couldn't believe and didn't realise how much this had dominated your life sums up things perfectly! I feel that the people in my life can't really understand how this dominates my life and how much it can affect me on a daily basis, despite how sympathetic they may be. I got really upset over the weekend because I had to use some of my savings money (for ICSI) to pay bills etc. It wasn't just the fact that I'd had to use some of the money, it was also what taking the money represented (i.e. the struggle to actually fund another cycle) but in a way it was good that I reacted in the way that I did because I do tend to keep my feelings/thoughts to myself and I don't think up until that point that my DH realised just how much that money means to me and how important his support is etc.

I intend to keep reminding myself that there are plenty of people who are out there that do understand and can truely appreciate how I feel, especially on the 'dark' days! And I'm not some kind of crazy, neurotic woman for behaving/feeling/thinking the way I do sometimes, as I have felt on occasion!


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## lexig (Dec 11, 2008)

Hi April33,
I can relate to everything you have said and I had many a days where I felt the exact same, too many to remember. I would always then think of all the people that probably have worse problems than me and would thank my lucky stars that I have a lovely husband, family and friends and to try and enjoy what I have, it used to pick me up even if it was only for a few days but it did help. Everyone seemed to be pregnant as well, everywhere we went, I just wanted to scream at the top of my voice, it was like they were all throwing it in my face. I never thought I would see that positive line and it was so heart breaking. Like you my first ICSI did not work but I was determined that we would keep trying until it did. To give you hope though our second round of treatment did work so you must keep positive. I had other problems during pregnancy so unfortunatley we lost the babies but we battled on and 7 years on and luckily we finally got our daughter.
I hope this give you the strenght to pick yourself up. Sending you lots of positive vibes hun, keep strong.
 
Lexig
xxx


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi lexig - reading the summary of your journey, you've been through so much! I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. Your story has given me hope though, I can't begin to tell you how helpful it is to hear a story with a happy ending. I do take comfort from the fact that it sounds like you felt very much as I can do, but things worked out so well for you in the end by being blessed with your daughter.


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## LittleJenParker (Feb 19, 2010)

HI April33,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My husband has a disorder that makes his immune system kill his own sperm so the only way we will ever have a baby is with ICSI. We had our first cycle last October which ended in a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage, which was devastating but at it also proved that it can work for us. We had this cycle on the NHS but they only fund 1 cycle in our PCT so we are currently appealing for further funding as it is 5K to go private (needless to say we dont have that kind of money).
So here we are in limbo, waiting, waiting, waiting again! Watching everyone else get pregnant and have their children as easy as pie, while I go grow ever more bitter with each 'happy' announcement. It makes me hate myself how much I hate these people for having what should come so naturally to me, so much so that my best friend, who I have known since we were born, no longer speaks to me because she didnt know how to deal with me once she became pregnant. She didnt call at all during our ICSI cycle and has avoided me ever since as she doesnt want to flaunt her child in my face and she doesnt want me to resent her. I have never ever been hateful towards her and it hurts me that she has made the desision to avoid me rather than help me.
I know exactly how you feel when you say that the whole world is full of insensitive people, they feel close enough to you to ask personal questions like 'when are you two going to start a family'? and then when you give them the true answer they say something like ' I'm sure if you stop worrying about it, then it will happen quicker'! The flippin cheek of it!
Anyway, rant over, the point was, I know how you are feeling.

If you ever need to talk, then I'm here.


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi LittleJenParker - thanks for your support.

Firstly,   for your chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage. It seems like it's given you a bit of hope though and you've taken something positive from the experience, as you say it has proved to you that it can work.

Secondly, another   for what's happened with your best friend. I'm at a loss for words, I can't believe that she's chosen to avoid you. I can understand her feeling a bit uncomfortable if she's aware of how difficult you find other people's pregnancies etc. but I can't understand why she would cut all ties, which is what sounds like has happened.

Our PCT will also only fund 1 cycle. The money thing is so frustrating isn't it? After my review appointment I came away feeling so positive because there were things that they could do to improve our chances of a successful cycle next time. And then I was reminded of how long I'd have to work to save up enough money (2 years) or how reliant I was on coming into that kind of money (I have an insurance policy due to pay out in September that will cover one more go, if they decide to pay out)! Why should our chances of having a child of our own be dependent upon whether we can afford treatment or not?

I'd be really interested in hearing how your fight to get further funding goes. I too had thought about applying to my PCT for further funding. My GP told me he'd give me his backing. But when I spoke to someone at Infertility Network she basically told me I should feel lucky to have had one cycle funded as a lot of PCT's fund no cycles. She also told me that I couldn't apply for funding, only a doctor/consultant could do that. That took the wind out of my sails a little bit and I haven't done anything since. However, there do seem to be plenty of women on here who applying for extra funding and I'm annoyed with myself for giving up so easily! 

I too am sick of hearing the 'just relax and it'll happen' line. No it won't!


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi April, 

I wrote a similar post on the negative cycle board a few days ago. We have been trying for a baby for 3 years and have just finished our 1st cycle of ICSI which ended in a missed miscarriage. I am amazed at how stupid people can be with the things that they say and do. My sister in law has just had a baby and they tried for 3 months. I was told that I should be sympathetic because they fell so easily! Honest to god, why do people not think! I am so sorry that you feel alone, but if it makes you feel better that is how I feel. It is so hard to have to walk the road that we are all walking and what makes it worse is that most people have no idea what it is like and treat you like you are stupid or a leper. Take care hun, and feel free to rant, that is what we are here for.


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi Fordy girl

I've just been reading your post on the negative cycle board - sending you  a big 

I don't think people who have not experienced what we have set out to be insensitive, I just think that you have to have been on this journey to truly understand how it feels. But knowing this doesn't make it any easier when they say such stupid things! Whilst this journey will always be hard, I think it would be easier if people could show a bit more empathy!


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## jack12 (May 14, 2009)

sending you all hugs. We WILL  get there...we have to have hope xx


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi I know how your feeling two of my very young cousins have just found out they are pregnant neither of which were planned I used to babysit for these girls and I am devestated that they are having babies when I am still struggling, I have just finished a cycle which is resulting in another chemical preg I have now had 3 fresh and one fet and still no joy.

People who havent had TX cannot begin to understand how it feels no matter how much they may try and how much support they give you they cannot know the total loss you feel.  I was reading a website (cant remember which) and the best way in what IF has been described of in my opinion was like this: -

When someone close to you dies you grieve your sad because you know you will never see them again your heart aches as you want to be able to spend time with them and see their face but you can't all you can do is cherish the time you had with them and look back on all the happy times and the memories you have, well with IF your grieving for a person who is only someone you have seen when you close your eyes and dream of them of what they might look like what there personality might be you long to have memories of them but you havent all you have are dreams and what if's.  This was how I described IF to my friend and I think she sort of understood a little more.

Unless someone has been through the heartache of IF they will never appreciate or understand what we are going through that is why this site is so important because we all can relate to one another, I am on the thread on these boards for my clinic and we had a meet up a few weeks ago it was so good to finally meet the girls and we had a giggle about the whole journey and what it entails I feel very lucky to have found such a great support in fertility friends that I think without it I would have gone mental.

I hope things look up for you ladies soon our babies are waiting for us we just got to keep believing.

x x x x


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi Everyone , 

Hope you are all ok . . Ive been reading your posts and too have very similar feelings. Ive just had my first cycle and had BFN this week . I was devatsted as convinced it would work but feeling better as each day goes on.

I work with a few ladies who are pregnant and do feel slightly bitter about how blase they feel about it , I also get annoyed with my friend who has a 6 month old baby and often post ******** stauses to say '' baby woke me up at 4am '' ,'' heres a pic of the little one in such and such outfit'' - I think Id kill to be woken up at 4am if it menat it was by a little one ... people do take pregnancy for granted and I now truly believe the only people who will ever understand this is people who have been through it . 

My closest friend ( above ) has taken little interest in what Im doing and I dont know if shes giving me space or just not realising how hard its been . Another friends said , Im here if you need me - well yes, I do need you - but I shouldnt really have to ask for it or tell you ! Maybe you could send a card, call me , pop to see me or something .. I get very wound up by it all and have had to bite my lip on many an occassion. 

Ive found great support through this website and realised we alre all there for each other . 

 to you all x


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Jack12 - just been reading your story, you've been through so much  . What are your plans for the future?

utb - I too think that that is a really good way to describe infertility. I'd certainly think about using that explanation to try to describe how I feel to others in the future.

maisiemoo1972 -   on your BFN. I work with a couple of ladies who have young children and they are constantly moaning about how little sleep they've had etc. I too would love to be woken up throughout the night if it meant that we had our own family.


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Sorry, just need to get something off my chest again!

My boss asked me yesterday if I'd thought about adopting. An innocent question I know and I do feel guilty about feeling hurt and frustrated by this question because I know he was only trying to be helpful. Adoption is something I would definetely think about in the future, once we decide our ICSI journey is over, but why do people seem to assume that adoption is some easy option?

I know he was only asking an innocent question but I interpreted this question something along the lines of 'your first cycle failed, you've no guarentees when you'll have money for a second cycle, adoption would make all your desires to carry you DH's child simply vanish and you can get on with your life'.  

Before I even thought about adoption I would need to learn to accept that we would never have our own child (otherwise it simply would not be fair to embark on the adoption process) and I'm simply not at the stage to do this right now. It just frustrates me that people seem to think adoption is some kind 'quick fix' solution, that will solve all our problems.

I had to tell my boss about our problems because I needed to take time off work for scans etc. during our first ICSI cycle but I really wish nobody knew about our situation now. People try to be helpful but the majority of the time their comments just upset or frustrate me!


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## jack12 (May 14, 2009)

i totally agree. My friends and family all say to me the same. Its as if they think its easy and that there are kids lined up just waiting to be chosen and collected. They dont know that a panel rips your personal life apart just to unearth the fact that you are actually fit to be a mother to someone elses child nonetheless!!!!!! It gets me so angry too babe. I like you havent been able to say'ok, no more treatment'.....while there is breath in my body, i want to be able to hold my own child in my arms, healthy and alive. Il never forget my son,  but i long for another child to love....my own xxxx


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

April people always mean well and they say things that they think are helpful but it there opinion and until they have been in the position we find ourselves in they cant possibly comprhend or sympathise.  Me and DH have decided that we are going to have one last go once we have had all possible tests done re implantation failure if it doesnt work then thats the end of the road for us I would happily adopt I want to be a Mother I have so much love, however, my DH wont even entertain the idea I really dont know how to approach the subject with him.  The last lot of TX I had I didnt tell anybody not even the girls on my clinic board I think sometimes you can put yourself under more pressure when people know.

I hope your next round of TX is a success I wish I had a magic wand so I could grant everyone on this site there baby dreams.

x x x x


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## VixiePie (Jul 12, 2011)

Hi, just read through this and it was like you've taken the words my heart is crying out and written them down,   
Its so hard for others to appreciate that its harder than they think, coming to terms with our difficulties and appreciating others lives the same time.
I can relate to your feelings when younger members of the family are having children 'by accident' my 'little' cousins are having them too, its devestating, but people just don't understand how this affects you, they think you're made of stone and it doesn't hurt. Some peopl take for granted the ability to have children, just know that you really are not alone in all of this, and that, though it is difficult, there are people here to support you, when you neede to talk, we'll be here. Please remember not to loose hope, because without hope, it makes things a lot more difficult. Sending positive vibes and hugs your way XXx


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

I think reading through the posts on this thread I have come to realise that there are plenty of people who can 100 % relate to how I feel and (whilst I obviously wish none of us were in the position we are in) I find this really comforting. I am not   after all!

I have just been handed some baby photos by one of my colleagues of her grandchild. This is one of my work colleagues who knows my situation (including my failed tx at the start of the year). I have discretly passed them onto the next person, as I do not wish to torment myself by looking at a cute baby! She's a really nice lady and I'm sure she'd be horrified if I mentioned that the last thing I want to do right now is look at baby photos. But it still saddens me a little knowing that she's passed them onto me without thinking. I guess people do not appreciate how hard this is, I guess because I'm carrying on with my day-to-day life people assume I've moved on or accepted things as they are, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I think I'm going to start explaining why I react in certain ways, nothing major or heavy and I certainly don't want to send people on a guilt trip, but I feel like I need to give myself a bit of TLC and protect myself more, if that makes sense.


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

April I went out the other week and one of the girls that was there asked me if I would be having any children my Mum and other members of my family were also there who dont know the situation and I just decided to tell them I couldnt be doing with all the oh I am not sure we will have to see etc etc I just told them that we have been trying and that we are having problems etc and basically went into detail about it all and they were fine infact the girl who asked me said her best friend was currently going through treatment I felt like a weight was off my chest although after I did feel bad as I didnt consult my DH and I know he doesnt want anyone to know our situation but I guess I had just got to the point where I had enough of the baby question needless to say they have all stopped asking now which is great.

x x x x


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi Ladies

Ive just got back from holiday and whilst away read the book Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar ( its amercian and a bit amercian in its writing but I thoroughly recommend it - very interesting ) .. but in there there is a chapter about dealing with friends and family and in a nutshell it says that you have to say to people why you react in a certain way and why you cant be around people etc .. it made perfect sense and helped .. Im not sure if I have the front to do so - but it made me think differently .. May be worth a look up . x


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi utb - I'm glad that you feel better for being honest about your situation. I hope your DH understood why you felt you had to explain to others without consulting with him first. I am definetely coming round to the idea that honesty is the best policy!

Hi maisiemoo1972 - I've heard people talk positively about this book on FF and it's got a very good review on Amazon. I've been debating whether to buy it or not. I think after another thumbs up from you I'm going to give it a go!


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

There is another book I have been told about called 'So Close' about a South African lady who had something like 10 rounds of treatment it was recommended to me by one of the girls from my board when we went out for dinner she said her best friend borrowed it from her and it helped her understand what TX and IF involved I have ordered a copy for my Mum to have a read of I got a copy from play.com

x x x x


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Wow 10 rounds of treatment, I can't begin to imagine how she coped with the constant cycles of hope and disappointment.

I've just had a look on Play and Amazon for this book. In the review on Amazon she says that she doesn't consider herself brave just terrified not to try again. I've only had one cycle of tx so far but I do think a lot about how much tx I would have and how I would cope if I decided it was time to stop my journey. At the moment I think I'd be terrified of calling it a day also because I don't know how I'd cope with all of the emotions that followed.

Anyway, thanks for recommending this book utb - definitely another one to add to the shopping list!


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

I deffo could not go on that much ... I struggled with number one ..


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## sammyc (Oct 9, 2007)

Hi all   


Why is it so unfair that many of us need help to have a family when with other's it happens so easy?
Ive just been through another round of ICSI, dh has poor & low    all test etc have come back normal for me. 
Our otd hcg was only 20 & a few days later had gone up to 60 so was told as long as i don't have bleeding or pain things were looking good.
So by our early scan on 4th july we were getting excited as no bleeding etc, only to find nothing on the scan    as no bleeding etc my hcg was re-checked & gone up    I was then referred to the EPU at my local hospital when i had another scan 2 days later which showed i had an ectopic. I was then offered either surgery to remove my tube or to have methotrexate injection to kill off the living cells. I chose the injection as didn't want to reduce our chances even more of ever conceiving naturally. So on our 4th wedding anniversary i had the injection in my   wasn't the present i was hoping for.  It felt awful having the injection as it felt like i was aborting our baby even though i know it wasn't viable and would never progress further.


It just seems so unfair, been trying for over 9 years, was our 7th cycle of treatment, spent too much to think about, and the one and only time i get a BFP it ends in ectopic   
So now 4 weeks on i still feel in limbo. I don't feel that i can move on as i havn't had   yet, my last proper period was 13th may so seems like ages away, sounds silly but i can't wait for it to come so i can move on.


I have been off work now for the last few weeks as just feel so empty inside, i have another sick note for next week so have to decide if i'm going back to work after that. Im a nurse & 2 of my friends work on EPU & on the gynae ward and looked after me when i had my injection, they have both said i need time to fully recover before i go back.


Dh has been very good but doesn't really understand how i feel, i still keep breaking down crying and don't feel like any body understands how i feel. I also found out last week that a friend of mine is 20 weeks pregnant, she came off the pill in feb to start trying and fell in pregnant in march. i am happy for her but also wish it had turned out better for me. We would of only been 10 weeks apart. 


So now we are saving up again to try in the new year. we can't fall pregnant for 3 months due to the injection, so will leave it to the new year to try again. Just hoping that as it worked this time it can work again   


sorry for a very 'me' post 
take care, sam xxx


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi sammyc,

Please don't feel like you need to apologise for your post. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time on this site writing 'me' posts! I'm convinced being able to express myself in my posts and the support I've received from the lovely ladies on FF is the only reason I'm not   by now!

     on your recent ectopic pregnancy. I can't begin to imagine what this has been like for you. 

These past nine years must have been very difficult, going through so many ICSI cycles.

Please take your time to try to come to terms with what has happened. Take care of yourself and don't rush back to work if you don't feel ready, if you don't  have to.

It's good that your DH is being supportive but I do empathise with you when you say he doesn't really understand how you feel. I was devastated after our first failed ICSI cycle and I don't think my DH truely understood why I was so upset for as long as I was.

It is so difficult when those around you are pregnant. It can seem that others just have to think about becomming pregnant for it to happen doesn't it?

Take care of yourself


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## Mummy2b2011 (Nov 18, 2010)

Hey Guys 
Feeling very low we had 23 folicles was suppose to have egg retreival this morning, But hubby has to have sperm surgically removed and because of a bad chest the hospital refused to do sperm retrieval. And because we are NHS funded patients they wont freeze my eggs would say i'm gutted but it is an understatement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could do with your support

Zoe


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

Zoe thats terrible I cant believe they wont freeze your eggs what a waste sureley they would have been better freezing them than you having to go through a full tx and using up more NHS funds I just dont understand them sometimes talk about frustrating.

What will happen with you and all your follies hope you can get things sorted out I really feel for you.

x x x x


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## April33 (Mar 3, 2011)

Mummy2b2011 - OMG I cannot believe that decision! 

I am so sorry      .


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## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Mummy - thats awful, and so many follies too . Is that it - final decision  Do you have any time so hubby can get better .. Im so sorry to hear that - it must ne so frustrating and upsetting. Massive   honey x x x x x


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