# So upset - advice please?



## angel_lass (Sep 10, 2008)

Hello ladies please can you give me your thoughts on this, you can see our journey below. I'm 37 and Dh is 41.  I don't respond we'll to stimulation so we had and icsi using donor eggs unfortunately this didn't work. I already have my head in the place of knowing I will never have my own baby genetically. Sorry for the rambling my head is mince lol DH and I are going to adoption prep groups this month and we have just received a letter from our private clinic to say after our last donor treatment failed they placed us back on the waiting list and we are now nearing the top and we should call them to arrange matching with a donor...! I just don't know what that is all about....!! Now we don't know what to do!!?? I know the adoption process requires (and rightly so) 100% commitment, but now I can't help thinking this is fate and we need to try it. I can't stop crying I had moved on so much I'm not even sure I have the strength to go through another treatment.


What would you do?


Thank you x


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

oh angel_lass lovely to see you 

i completely understand your confusion as you have already made up your mind about adoption and are now faced with this. I have no advice really. I guess you need to really think about this and chat with your dh and see what you both want.xxx


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi

You poor thing, I know nothing about fertility treatments so I'll just tell you what my gut feeling is. 

Firstly you say this is a private clinic does that mean you are paying for this treatment? If so did you ask to be put back on the list? All I am trying to say is have this clinic got your best interests at heart or is this just more money for them?

Although you have made the decision to go forward with adoption is this just because you felt you had no more options, will you look back and think I should have given it one last shot at fertility treatments?

If it were me and I could afford another attempt I think I would give it a go, I would never want to look back and  regret not trying.  That said you will already know that if you do have another attempt this will seriously put back your adoption plans, some authorities expect 12 months gap after treatment and then you will have to wait to get on a prep course.  

I have really not been any help in what I have said, just a couple of points to think about.

Very best wishes I am sure you and your hubby will come to the right conclusion xx


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

Hi Angel Lass,
I'd finished with all treatment and moved onto adoption. I was happy with my decision.
I had the opportunity to have one last attempt, I did it, it didn't work, I waited the allotted time and returned to adoption.
If I'd not done the last treatment I would have always thought 'if only' and most likely regretted my decision.


Now I know that it was right for me, I feel happy that I did everything in my power to achieve a family through treatment. My children are currently flat out fast asleep upstairs!


Whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck Hun with the journey to your family,


Lol Dxxx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Angel Lass, Oh bless you what a position to be in 

I believe what someday said hit the nail on the head,re: did you choose to be but back on the waiting list or are they trying to get more money out of you.
When you made the decision to take the adoption route was it a because that you HAD put treatment behind you because you couldn't go through it again or was it because you couldn't afford it any more. 
When I made the decision it was a case I couldn't go through it any more and I did have the opportunity to have another go but I decided that I couldn't put myself or my family through anymore heartache. It had been 3 years of our life's and enough was enough.
We are all different and handle things differently, if you were asking me what I would do then I would have to say NO I couldn't go through it again, but this is yours and your dh's decision and only the two of you can make that decision.
As someday has said if you went through the treatment and it failed and then went back to adoption it would mean waiting between 6-12 months before getting on the prep course then another 6-8 months homestudy and then the waiting to get matched.
If you were lucky and the adoption process went quickly then the minimum you will be waiting is 18 months from the day you have treatment or you go ahead now as you are and you could be a mummy by the end of the year or early next year.

I'm sorry if I have been a little blunt or hurt your feelings but you had one or two people saying that they are with you and would try again, I just wanted you to hear from someone who wouldn't, but as I said only you and dh can make this decision.
My thoughts are with you and goo luck with what ever decision you make.
Skyblu.xxx


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry to but in but just had to say I'm a great believer in fate - if u don't give it this last chance would u always wonder what might have been. Does ur reaction mean that maybe you are not yet ready to move on to adoption?  Easy for me to say as u can see from my signiture but when we conceived the twins everything fell into place, we were going to go to another clinic as we thought the wait at Wessex was too long then they called us with a cancelled appointment, AF was 2 days late which meant we could start at the end of the same week, lots of things just fell into place shall we say and if anyone asks I can honestly say it was fate ........

Good luck whatever you decide - no regrets though cause life is way too short xxx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

I agree with what some of the ladies are say(although not about clinics making money as most have a waiting list that is really long). For me my advice is just be honest. Adoption is an awfully tough process especially if you go into it thinking 'what if'. I would do the for and againsg discussion with your dh and work out were you both stand. Sometimes self honesty is the hardest part of all this. I hated ivf and have no thoughts about going back!! But i think that could be to do with the fact that I had three m/cs cos of it. 
I do feel for you through this it is not easy but take a break, maybe see the consultant and see what treatment would mean this time. It may jerk a complete reaction out of you. 
Good luck in your decision making.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

You have to do what in your heart is right. Dig deep down ignore logic and reason to a degree there is no logic and reason in infertility. How do you see yourself becoming a Mummy? I've never been able to picture myself pregnant or with a new born which makes me believe this is right for me x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

I think if you are considering the one last tx then I believe it's a sign to go ahead. I think if the oppurtunity is there and you can afford it, then go for it. The main question to ask yourself though is what would you regret most? Not having that last go? Or putting back adoption for 12mths?
Hope you can come to a decision soon. Maybe right a pro's and con's list and DH do the same asnd see how it feels then?
Good luck.


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## Joan71 (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi Angel_Lass, I can relate to your feelings. I have been at your crossroads several times and am there again at the moment. The choice of whether to continue with ivf or move on to adoption is an impossible one and I am actually coming to the conclusion that there is no right or wrong answer. Which ever way you go, I'm sure you will have no regrets. We had our first failed DE cycle last year and were in a similar position to you, but in the end decided to give it one more go..we had our bfp but then a miscarriage, so it still didn't work out. We are now trying to work our way through the same dilemma again. I don't regret having another go, but I also know that if I had begun the adoption route back then that I would be in a much happier place now. That's not stopping me considering another go at DE ivf however. For me it's also not about genetics, but about the longing to have a pregnancy/experience childbirth. I've only realised this recently. The longing for that is like some kind of addiction and I wish there was a "cure" as I know adoption is the route I should choose, it's just getting myself to that point. I conpletely understand your reasoning about fate, and you could be right, but at the sametime I have to say that I've had so many "fatey" things happen to me on my journey, but they still haven't worked out. Sorry. I'm waffling now, but one last thing....both routes are rollercoasters, but the adoption route almost certaily has a happy end station. The ivf route may go on for ever. Best of luck with your decision xxx


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Angellass, I can also completely relate as am in a similar position at the moment. Having made the decision in November to move on from IVF and towards adoption in the future, my hospital consultant (NHS) was very keen for us to talk it through with a fertility specialist first (because I need a hysterectomy, they feel this is a more "final" decision - though obviously, it's not because moving onto adoption is final anyway). While waiting on that appointment, we've been in a kind of should-we/shouldn't we limbo. 

June71 pretty much summed up a lot of what we've been thinking. I think what feels like fate is sometimes a test of commitment, or a reminder and sometimes just a random happening. It's hard because I think the desire to have children is so deeply built in that, for me anyway, it doesn't feel subject to rational thought but I do feel like I'm wasting a lot of time, money and just life on fighting for something I'm probably never going to get and that the sooner I can bring myself to move on the happier I will be. There's a bit of me that would spend all my savings and remortgage my house to do IVF and another more rational bit that wants to save that money to give my future children the best possible start in life. I really hope that rational me (and the rational side of my equally split DH) wins.


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## angel_lass (Sep 10, 2008)

Hi ladies thank you for all the advice, the clinic is a private one so yes it's in their interests to push us    I just can't decide wot to do i know that the adoption route is a good one to go down, we haven't told anyone apart from my mum and sister about the adoption I just have it in my head that we won't be approved and then we will have to explain to people and face disappointment again, there is no reason or logic for me to feel this its not as if we have any skeletons in our cupboards or anything.


I feel I have been chasing the dream of having a baby now for 7 years and its never going to happen for us in any way shape or form! Our whole married life has been blighted by this, we haven't had a holiday in years. I forget what it's like to be "normal" and think about "normal" things...! Although its nearly a year since my last treatment but we had pinned so much hope on it, what with the donor only being 22, I had it in my head that it would defo work   


Anyhow suppose we just need to make the choice, thanks ladies


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