# im finding this hard



## ♥ cat ♥ (Apr 13, 2003)

God it been a bad day  

I keep braking down   i have been ok most of the week but today i think it has finally sunk in that it never worked and my little embies never made it. it was the start of life i saw on that tv screen on my ET. the start of my life as a family.

I put all i could in to the IVF and i cant understand why it never worked, what the hell have i done so wrong in my life.

I cant put into words how on earth i feel but i thought i was copeing ok with my BFN but im not. 
I feel i need to keep busy to keep my mind busy but i keep thinking back to 3 weeks ago and how i was feeling so positive and happy and i felt so sure it was going to work.

This is the first weekend my DP gets his daughter since the BFN and im finding it hard when he talks to her on the phone. Why cant i talk to my kids and love them.


Im praying to god this gets easier to deal with 

Alison  

sorry i needed to get it off my chest i cant talk to no one about it as it just upsets me to much.


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Alison
I'm sorry you are feeling so down.  It is only natural to feel that way after a BFN so please give yourself time to grieve.  You haven't done anything wrong - life is just unfair.  After my first BFN I felt so worthless that I just wanted to curl up and die, but it does get easier with time.  Apart from the awful disappointment, you are also still a raging sea of hormones from all the IVF drugs.  In time, you will feel more like thinking ahead to your next steps, but don't rush things - just try to take it easy just now, pamper yourself a bit (you seserve it), and get some rest.  You will start feeling stronger - it just takes time.

Take care

Ellie


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

big    coming your way hun, hope you are feeling better today  

pam xx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Cat,

I am sorry to read about how you are feeling and that your IVF didn't work out.

Just wanted to send you a (((((((((((((((((Cat))))))))))))))))) and let you know I am thinking of you.

Laine


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## fraochdiana (Oct 18, 2005)

Alison
I  have just read your post and would like to give you a .
It is so hard to go through IVF treatment, being so excited one minute and all your dreams shattered the next.
You will find the strength to carry on that's for sure, but only time will make the pain lessen, until then you take care of yourself and try to be strong, 
Thinking of you
Love
Heather
xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

So sorry, Alison. It doesnt get any easier does it? Take care of yourself and know that we all understand xxxx


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## ♥ cat ♥ (Apr 13, 2003)

Hi Girls

Thank you for your messages of support. I still have not picked myself up yet, i seam to be feeling lower and lower each day any thing and everything seems to be getting me upset. 

Im getting a really rough time at my work at the moment, so i dont think that is helping me out.

I just want to hide away from the big bad world and come out when i feel better. 

Again thank you from the very bottom of my heart i dont think i would of been able to cope with out my fertility friends xxxxx

Alison


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## yfinlayson (Dec 15, 2004)

Hi Cat, 

I'm sending you a big hug at this difficult time.    I remember after my 2nd ICSI and thinking I was going mad, I was in a pit of despair. I am petrified to try again, but don't want to draw the line here either.

Are there any groups up in Aberdeen that you could join?  A few of us who met on here meet up in Hamilton every now and again for a pizza and it is so therapeutic to chat with others who have been through the same thing.

Yvonne


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Alison

Sorry to hear you are still feeling miserable.  As another Aberdeen IVF-er, I think there is a support group in Aberdeen.  Perhaps if you gave the unit the ring they could give you contact details?  Also, it's maybe worth asking to see the counsellor at the unit?  Although you say you can't talk to anyone about it, I think it does help to get your feelings out in the open.

Also, after my first BFN, I also found it really helpful to get an appointment set for the follow-up appointment with one of the doctors.  It gave me something to focus on to start moving forward.  Have you got a date set yet - if not, again, why not give the clinic a ring and get the ball rolling?  

I wept for evenings on end after my first BFN and I don't think that's unusual.  You need time to grieve.  It is part of the healing process, even if it is painful going through it.

Sending you a big hug, and hope you start feeling a bit better soon.  

Ellie


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## Northern Sky (Oct 14, 2005)

I'm so sorry Alison   I think everyone here can understand how you are feeling.  I know I do.  Since my short-lived BFP although I am "coping" I am finding it really really hard and I don't think I have really come to terms with it at all.  I feel so sad a lot of the time, crying for no reason, and also strangely angry, like wanting to scream and throw things at times!  Did think about going to see the counsellor at the unit but I don't honestly think it would help at the moment.  Do you have a follow-up appt arranged?  Ours is on the 14th and I am holding on to that and to the hope that our next (and last) cycle will be successful.

Don't give up, although a negative cycle is horrible there is every chance that your dream will still come true.  xxx


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## McMarylou (May 19, 2005)

hi Alison

I know exactly what you mean about it getting harder to cope not easier and thinking you were doing so well in terms of coping but now realising that you're not.  Having cried solidly all weekend when I started bleeding, for the first week after our BFN I was really quite positive about the future.  But this week, I feel as if I've got lower and lower - today, I woke up in tears and haven't been able to stop yet.  Everything seems very bleak and kind of pointless.  I'm trying to put my energy back into work, but my heart's not in it, cos I don't want to be thinking about work, I want to be planning for our baby being born ... but there is no baby.  Those three little embryos felt very real - we'd created little life-forms - and now they've gone.  I feel such a sense of failure about that, that I only seem able to focus on the failures (not the successes) in other areas of my life.  I had a wonderful email from my 16 year old stepson on Weds night "I think you'd make a great mum, whether you try again or maybe adopt.  You've been a lovely stepmum at least!".  That made me cry with joy and really cheered me up ... for a little while ... but then I hit rock bottom again.  I'm comfort eating again and I'm getting really upset about every comment made at work.  Dh is trying desperately to cheer me up, but everything he says just sounds like some cliche from some cr*ppy self-help book.  Also feel really upset that hardly any friends (and even family) have thought to check up on how I am.  They all sent messages of comfort when I first got the BFN, but no-one seems to realise that I might still be upset.

Sorry for this, but I know that at least here at FF there'll be people who understand.

You're    .

Thanks for being there!


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

just wanted to send you a big   and hopefully you will soon find the strength to carry on. it's sooo hard when nobody around you understands, we had comments like you have just got to get on with it, and it wasn't meant to be   my sister also complained that i didn't personally phone her to tell her my second attempt had failed but got my mum to tell everyone   still i can laugh about their silly comments now but at the time i was gutted.
on another note what a lovely thing for your stepson to say   you must be so proud of him and i'm sure he's right  

take care

pam x


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## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

Hi Alison

So sorry to hear about your negative and that you were feeling down. I got my second bfn two week ago and sepnt nearly a week in the depths of despair. I am quite a tough cookie so I took the despair badly, I could not believe how much it hurt. But it hurt because it is important and we need to hold onto that dream. 
It is so unfair, why did it happen to us and like the person whose mum said things happen for a reason, perhaps they do. Maybe we have to try really hard at the tx so that when we get twins we will never moan about sleepless nights etc etc

IVF is a luck game and you did not do anything wrong, they just didn't take because the odds are against them. We keep going back because maybe, just maybe they might.

Take care of yourself
Tibevora


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## jome (Feb 5, 2006)

Hi Alison, 
I just wanted to say that everyone here at FF understands... I know how you feel too.. after my 1st bfn I thought I my world was falling apart.. the doc prescribed some herbal calming pills and a week off work to get through things.. I started going for long long walks and found that after 1.5 hours, I actually started to feel better... This time round I thought I was less gutted, but it's now a week and a half ago and I'm getting more depressed instead of less... It's so hard isn't it.. Take the time out for yourself and allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling.. The 1st time I asked my doc if it was ok for me to still be feeling like crap, and when she said it was perfectly normal, I burst out crying because someone understood and I didn't have to beat myself up about feeling that way anymore.. I found that really helped, just knowing it was ok...

Anyway, the best of luck to you.. I hope you can have another go, as that makes it easier to carry on..

Lol and luck   
Jome xxx


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