# How can we adopt this child?



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Hi all,
Please could you give me the benefit of your advice and experience?
My best friend's neighbour (who is lovely and like a granny to her kids) has found herself looking after her 4 week old grandson. The BM had a one night stand, kept the baby because she didn't want an abortion but isn't interested in the baby and is also unable to look after him due to long term mental health problems and willing associations with dangerous people. Social services are happy for baby to stay with granny but granny realises she can't bring him up as she has her own health problems. So it looks like he will probably be placed for adoption. DH and I would love to adopt him. Granny would like someone local so she still has contact with him and was sounding me out when I saw her earlier. BM doesn't care where he goes. It all sounds so obvious and simple but I've no idea how to go about this legally.
Can anyone help? Please?
Thanks so much,
Kandy xx


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi Kandy

I can see why this seems perfect. I guess many years back adoptions like this could happen but as far as I know it just doesn't work like that now. I also think it might be very early days to be sure that birth mum truly doesn't care. Have social services been involved at all? If so, you could ask your neighbour for the details and ring and let them know your views. They would be able to talk you through what would be involved in adopting this boy or any other, including the assessment process. Also, perhaps this boy has arrived in your life to introduce the idea of adoption to you. He might not be the boy for you, but perhaps there is a little one out there who will be. Just a thought! Best wishes with wherever this takes you.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks for replying. Yes social services have been involved throughout the pregnancy. Would I approach the allocated social worker? Or an adoption agency? Just don't know where to go from here.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Perhaps the allocated social worker? Or you could ask your neighbour to enquire on your behalf?


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Yes I think she will, just trying to do some homework myself too. Could we be approved to foster him first then apply to adopt him? Might that work?


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I really can't see it working like this. The local authority consider cases like this if you were a blood relative but given the grandmother is a neighbour of a friend there really isn't anything to link you with the baby. I would imagine you would be treated like any other person wanting to adopt where the assessment process is extremely intrusive, you would need to pass  the relevant checks and medicals etc which will take an absolute minimum of 6 months. If the baby is to be relinquished there will already be approved adopters waiting who could be considered suitable and the local authority will act in the child's best interests which will be to move them to a permanent family as early as possible.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

thanks for your reply becs40    having googled a *lot* I can't see how we could do it either    such a shame, it seemed such a good solution yesterday. 
whoever is lucky enough to be this little mite's forever family will adore him, I could eat him up!


ciacox - DH and I have considered adoption before, about 6 years ago, but when I enquired informally with our LA I was told that as we had some credit card debt and I'd had a spell of depression (6 months, when my ex husband left me) I wouldn't be suitable despite that being several years prior and I'd overcome it successfully. That put me right off, we didn't even apply. We had a last ditch attempt at IVF and were lucky enough to have our DS (by the skin of our teeth!). 4 years on I think maybe this boy has been sent to turn us toward adoption again. We moved house when DS was a baby and live in a totally different LA now so maybe this LA will be more accepting? DS has just started school so I would have plenty of time to dedicate to the needs of an adopted child. Think I need to do more googling...


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Hi KandyKane.    How lovely are you, wanting to step up for this boy?  That's awesome.  

Two things.  One, we adopted with a Debt Management Plan in place, and with past, reactive, mild anxiety and depression on my health record.  It's not easy, and you really have to prove what you've learned, what financial systems you have in place to prevent getting into debt again, and also what you've learned about looking after your mental health.  Always think of the positives that come out of the negatives - our first assessing social worker was really good at helping us uncover the strengths hidden by our apparent weaknesses.  

Secondly, it does occasionally happen that families express an interest in adopting a child they've met, before they have applied/been assessed/approved.  I have a friend who's a foster carer, who was caring for a three year old with some additional needs.  Through their daughter, they met a family who already had three children, the youngest still a baby.  They felt strongly they could offer the little boy in care a good family and approached his LA - they were fast tracked through assessment and approval and adopted him - and he wasn't even the youngest child in the family.  So it's rare, but it does happen.  It needs a lot of commitment from the adopter, and an open mind and responsive approach from the authority.  Of course, that little boy already had a placement order so they knew the plan for him was adoption, so it is a bit different.

The one note I would be cautious about is what the Grandmother is 'expecting' out of approaching you.  You mention ongoing contact, but that is something that is decided on and decreed by the courts.  And what if BM decides years down the track that she made a mistake?  She could just 'gatecrash' the relationship you have with the child's birth Grandmother and cause a lot of hurt and confusion.

So.    Yes, it can be done, and has been done.  But you need to be 100% sure that it's the best option for the little one, and for you.

But by all means approach the agency - I'd contact the child's social worker yourself, if I were in your shoes.

Good luck.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks AoC, contact with granny I have no worries about but yes I've thought about the BM and whether she would turn around one day having sorted her life out (even in ten years time or something) and 'want her baby back' and obviously living in the same area and having a common network she would find us very easily. I know if we had adopted him she couldn't take him but we don't want trouble, children need stability not adults fighting over them. I don't know her, I just know granny, who worries herself sick over her wayward daughter. The rest of BM's family have washed their hands of her, it's just her mum she she still has contact with.
Also thanks for the info on depression/debt. I feel like we really have things together now, we are both successfully self employed, we are managing the repayments on the debts we do have, we have good mental health (and very self-aware these days and make sure the black dog never comes calling  and we are a loving, happy family that would love to be bigger!

Thanks to all who have replied - it's great to be getting so many different opinions on this.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You know, whatever you decide to do, I think you'll be awesome at it.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thank you   


This wee lad looks quite similar to our DS and they have a similar cultural background. Plus my friend has been having him while granny is at work so yesterday I had him in my arms feeding him (she and I see each other a lot) and it was just heartbreaking thinking how uncertain his situation is and feeling like I wanted to hold him close and make it all better for him    I guess I'm just a big softie    the main thing is what's best for baby of course but I can't help wanting him!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

kandy kane..I think you have this spot on in your earlier post..this bubba was sent to you to nudge you along to adoption  


kj x


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Kandy Kane - just wanted to respond regarding the depression. My husband and I have adopted twice now and first time round the medicals were extremely challenging because of my husbands depression - he is classed as severely depressed and has been on medication for over 15 years with one episode where he struggled to work / function etc. They did push us pretty hard to see how we would cope and to ensure adopting would not trigger additional problems for him but to be honest in the end it was all fine and there is some benefit as many birth families will have mental health problems so we can honestly say this is something we have experience with.

Good luck if you decide to move forward


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Hi Tictoc - thanks for your reply. I'm feeling quite positive now about going down the adoption route. That silly woman at the LA years ago made me feel like we would never be able to adopt and almost foolish for asking.


Need to do a lot of research now! Quite exciting but feeling apprehensive at the same time...


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