# Had enough! What about my frozen embryos?



## Lucia (Aug 25, 2004)

Hello everyone!

When my FET failed in February I was determined not to give up and thought I would probably have another fresh cycle. As the weeks have gone by that has changed to using up my last 5 frosties in a last FET cycle to stopping altogether.

I'm exhausted with the drugs, the disappointments, having my whole life revolving around IVF to the exclusion of anything else. I never thought I would ever think like this, I keep thinking this must be a temporary reaction to the latest failure but it feels very real at the moment. It just feels as though I have tried really hard and now the time has come to reclaim some control in my life.

My dilemma is now what to do with my last 5 frosties. Should I do one last FET to give them a chance even though the thought of going through it all again is quite appalling? Would my conscience ever forgive me if I chose not to do the FET and stopped all treatment now? I feel so torn as one part of me really wants to give my embryos a shot at life while another part has reached its limit with the unhappy rollercoaster of IVF.

If any of you have had to face a similar scenario I would really appreciate your views. I am going to see the counsellor at the clinic this week in the hope of coming to a decision about what to do before too long. I'm not getting any younger!

Thanks all,
Love Lucia


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Lucia
Firstly i can understand the reasons and feelings for wanting to stop treatment. As you mentioned the idea of going through IVF, the drugs and the actual treatment can really take over your life. That i do really understand and its such a relief when you get to that point...
However your dliemma with the frosties is something that i haven't had to face. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through at the moment....it must be so difficult. I really hope that you will hear from other girls who have experienced your situation. As they will really understand your dilemma..
I do think though you are on the right tracks of seeing a counsellor. Hopefully they will help you to start making clear decisions...
Can i ask does your partner feel the same way?
All the best...
love astridxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Lucia

Its very early days for you yet hon, and I can understand why you are thinking this way, because IVF is one big rollercoaster.

I'd say wait a little while and see how you feel then, the reason why I am saying this is because after we had our last FET we embarked on another cycle of IVF a year later. We just needed time out to collect our thoughts, and a whole lot of other things happened inbetween which delayed us - life takes over sometimes.

I'm really sorry to hear about your recent failure, and I hope we can all be of some support to you whilst you work through this and the emotions of whether you can face going through this again or not.

Love
Emcee x


----------



## Lucia (Aug 25, 2004)

Thanks Emcee and Astrid.

Just to answer your question Astrid, my husband has been incredibly supportive throughout the whole process but I know that he has a mental block about being 50! (It is his 50th in September.) We always said we'd definitely want to start a family while I was in my 30's and he was in his 40's but I'm already 40 now... He hates the thought of not seeing his children into adulthood and I appreciate his concern at being an older new dad as sometimes I worry about the strain of being an older mum too.

So, while he would never withdraw support I do sense that there are reservations about continuing to try from an age perspective. What is equally relevant is the strain IVF puts on our relationship. I have turned into an irrational monster every time I have taken the drugs; the last FET was particularly bad and I guess that has scared me so much I'm afraid to try again. We began to question our relationship which was awful, I can't believe how negative I was as now I'm drug free all is back to a very happy (albeit baby-free) normal.

I think I do need that counselling!!! Hopefully it will make the way forward clearer. 

All the best,
Lucia x


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there Lucia

I'm sorry to read your last cycle failed. I can relate entirely to your situation as we have 4 frosties and like you find the thought of going through it all again just too appalling.

When our last cycle failed, I felt I had to make an immediate decision as to what to do with the frosties but knew I simply couldn't do another medicated cycle. I spoke to my clinic regarding doing a completely natural cycle, no drugs, nothing, just "thaw and go" and they declined saying that the success rates are too low.

When I said ok then, what do I do with the frosties they realised I was serious and after some negotiation they agreed to do a completely (probably pointless) natural cycle. This process took a number of weeks and when then did eventually agree to it, I realised it wasn't just that I couldn't face the drugs, it's the whole process I can't face, the upset, the fall out of failure, what it did to us as a couple, that lack of control, the whole lot.

Anyway, being rather black and white in my outlook on life, I decided a decision needed to be made, I'm 40 this year (dh is 46) but came to realise that I was emotionally paralysed. I couldn't imagine myself ever picking up the phone to book my self in for yet more punishment at the clinic, but didn't want to face my conscience and the inevitable consequence of not having another go either.

It didn't take long for these conflicting emotions to take a real toll and I began to feel very distressed about the whole situation and ended up spilling my guts on the floor of an understanding (happily childfree) pall who suggested that it is possible to take a positive decision to do nothing. I wasn't convinced initially (not quite black and white enough for my liking) but in time I've found it extremely helpful.

Taking a positive decision to do nothing: I felt it lifted the immediate pressure of making a decision off my shoulders which was a _huge_ relief and gradually I'm becoming convinced that given time, it's a decision that can make itself.

The conscience thing is tricky and I had (and sometimes still have) a somewhat co-opted catholic sense of guilt about not giving my all in the pursuit of the dream for us both. Having said that I think in allowing the decision process to evolve (so to speak) it has come to minimise some of the self inflicted (unjustified) sense of guilt.

It's been 9 months since our last failure and rather than fretting over IVF we're booking holidays into 2007 without agonising over whether we might be in treatment or not and after a few years of treatment it's completely liberating.

And despite my doubts, I am finding that I am much more at ease with my conscience than I would ever have thought possible.

I'd be really interested to know how your counselling session goes, good luck with it. Thanks for starting the posting, this is the first time I've ever really tried to express my own concerns/guilt/liberation on the matter and I hope that it's been of some help - you're not alone!

flipper


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi flipper
I have just read your posting and was so taken a back by it....i think you are one brave and an inspirational woman....thankyou for sharing something that I haven't had to face in my life thankfully. It makes you open your eyes to so many dilemma's women that you and Lucia have had to face....i feel that i was fortunate not to experience this extra heartache...
I read your comment about 'Taking a positive decision to do nothing'.....for me that means more than you can imagine......there is such a double edge meaning to it and to me that says so much!!!! I am going to remember this quote because it is about moving forward. We can make decisions by doing nothing, and that is healthy too......I always believed by doing nothing, then that meant i wasn't doing enough....thankyou Flipper for making this into a positive....
All the best to the both of you!!
love astridxx


----------



## Lucia (Aug 25, 2004)

Thank you flipper for such an honest post on what is such a difficult topic. You have expressed yourself so well, it is something I have trouble doing! I too really like the concept of a positive decision to do nothing, sometimes it all becomes clearer with time. I admire you for allowing yourself the time to "be", it isn't easy as there is pressure from all sides to move onto the next thing, whatever that might be. 

I think if it was just me I'd be more inclined to do the same but I'm feeling pressure from my DH either to do the last FET or draw a line under the whole business. I can see his point, he does not want me suddenly suggesting a transfer in 18 months time, we need to move our lives on in a different direction if we are not to become prospective parents this year. That's all fine with me, I don't see his view as negative pressure in the least.

I think if I had cycles I would probably have a natural FET just so that I could say I had used up my embryos however small the chance of success might be. Annoyingly, with PCOS a medicated cycle is my only option. All or nothing!

I had the counselling appointment today and I'm afraid it wasn't a huge amount of use. She did say that on the whole people do tend to transfer all their stored frozen embryos before giving up entirely but that shouldn't influence me. One of my worries has been twins so to make the FET more "attractive"(!) the clinic would be prepared to do a transfer of one blastocyst so the concern of a multiple pregnancy is taken away. That might actually make more sense for me however odd it might sound, I know my chances of success are greatly reduced by a single transfer and I'd risk nothing to transfer at all. 

A lot to think about but probably a need to be black and white at this point in my life and not keep the door open after 2006. I need to make a decision and stick to it. The counsellor suggested I keep an open mind for now and see how I feel in a couple of months. I think that is all I can do for now as I still feel really torn! 

One thing that I really look forward to is taking control of my life back again. A decision of any sort will achieve that and it will be a good thing. Until then I'm going to see how if feels to live with an open mind for a while....!!!

Thanks all of you for your views and for listening,

Love Lucia x


----------

