# Ex husband having a baby



## MrsC83 (Jun 1, 2016)

Hi everyone, 

I haven’t been on here for a very long time!!! And a lot has changed in the meantime as you can probably tell from the subject - I don’t know how to change my user name which is annoying!!!

After 4 unsuccessful cycles of IVF (1 fresh, 3 frozen) my ex and I took an IVF break (his idea), however in the course of a year we just started drifting further and further apart. It was like there was a gap in our lives because of the family we had been hoping for, he started up a business and threw himself into that, and I became directionless. We clearly wanted different things out of life, time spent together as a couple was rare and when it happened we had nothing to say to each other.

We separated 2.5 years ago then divorced relatively amicably (bit of financial stress along the way but which divorce doesn’t!) we are sharing our dog and today he has picked him up and told me he’s expecting a baby with his girlfriend. I am also in a new relationship and we moved in together at the start of lockdown and we’re now buying a house together. 

I am very happy in my new life and in no way want to get back together with my ex husband. But this news has floored me and I don’t seem to be able to stop crying. As well as frustration at him that he has found the time to decide he does want a family after all, our infertility was unexplained and now I feel that it must have been me with the issues.

I am 37, I know it’s not too late and I could still try with my partner, but I don’t think I could put myself through IVF again, I can’t see having a baby in my future and I feel worthless. My partner has 2 from a previous relationship and would be happy either way so is putting no pressure on, and we do have a lovely relationship so I know I have a lot to be happy about. 

In summary I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and was wondering if anyone has dealt with these emotions. My ex has done nothing wrong and of course is perfectly entitled to move on with his life, he suffered a lot with our history too, but I feel angry and bitter. 

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Hi MrsC, 
Just wanted to send you some love as I can totally see why this would be really hard; it's bound to take a bit of processing so don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself a bit of time to let yourself feel everything. 
It sounds like you both navigated separation really well.  Try not to let this news drag you back to everything you went through or the possible reasons the ivf didn't work - there are so many possible reasons, and I think sometimes sperm/eggs that didn't work at all with one partner end up working fine with another - so in no way does any of this mean that the issues were on your side. 

Let yourself feel it, acknowledge everything you're feeling, and if it awakens a feeling of wanting to build a new family then talk it through with your partner and see if you can make some plans of your own, even if that's trying naturally for a while and just seeing if anything happens.  Or just make some plans together to give yourselves something to look forward to and focus on enjoying getting the most out of life. 

It's totally ok though for any pregnancy news to just pull the rug from under your feet, and you're not alone in anything you're feeling. I'm going through something a little similar at the moment and finding it really hard.  7 years of practice but it doesn't get any easier. 

Go easy on yourself, run a bath, big glass of wine, and let all the frustration out here in a safe place! 
(and I think you can change your username on Profile > Account Settings ) 

Xxx


----------



## MrsC83 (Jun 1, 2016)

Thank you so much northern for your kind words. I think I remember you from a few years ago on a different thread, I’m so sorry you are going through something as well. I had sort of got used to dealing with pregnancy announcements as best as I could, but this one is another level. 

I am definitely going to give myself time and space to wallow and feel sorry for myself this weekend. But through it all I just have to remember that I wouldn’t want to go back in time and be with him as we are different people now, and I have to focus on my own life. 

Lockdown just makes all of this so much harder as my partner and I had a couple of nice holidays booked which had to be cancelled, plus the school closures don’t help as the days can be pretty intense, I get along fine with one of the kids but the other is pretty hard work (understatement!) 

But this will all pass and we still have things to look forward to, and I know that if I spend too much time feeling upset and moping the person suffering will be me. 

Thank you xx


----------



## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I really feel for you. All pregnancy announcements hurt but I think in this situation I too would of been floored.

I still find pregnancy announcements hard but over the years found I can 'shake them off ' more quickly. I know my circumstances have changed and accept that has lots to do with it.

It sounds crass but for some reason I always found the saying  'todays news is tomorrow's chip paper ' quite therapeutic....maybe that's just me 

It sounds like you too have moved on with a new partner.  Maybe use this moment to reflect on what you now want with your new DP.
Do you ultimately want a child and in that case is it time to try again? Or perhaps theres other things in life you want to achieve...?

Either way be kind to yourself xx


----------



## Saltysea (Apr 8, 2019)

I don’t really have any advice but just want to say I really admire how mature and non-bitter your conscious logic is. I think that’s a real achievement for what is definitely a very difficult thing to hear. Please give yourself credit for that and don’t beat yourself up for feeling upset. Your emotions will follow suit soon.


----------



## MrsC83 (Jun 1, 2016)

Thank you both so much for your kind words. FF really is the most supportive and lovely place on the internet, we have all been through so much and some of this stuff other people just don’t “get”! 

I am feeling a lot better this morning and while I am sure I will be sad at times I am determined to not let it ruin my whole weekend. It’s strange but the way I felt yesterday was almost identical to my BFN days - constantly on the verge of tears, feeling worthless, no appetite. I got through those dark days and I will get through this too!! It just took me back and probably brought some of those old emotions to the forefront again, I don’t think they ever really leave us.

I knew he was in a new relationship so I did think this would happen at some point. And now it’s done, the plaster is off. Honestly sometimes I do feel very bitter towards him but I try to have a word with myself every time I do. Feeling resentment at why he has found the time and energy for a baby now when he wanted to focus on other priorities before won’t help me, and I don’t know enough about his life, the what ifs could kill me if I think about it too much. 

I will take care of myself this weekend - it’s just the two of us with no kids around which is always nice and relaxing. Perhaps we will have that conversation but I don’t want to make a knee jerk reaction, it has to be a decision which is right for us. 

Thank you all again.


----------



## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

MrsC glad to see you're feeling a little better this morning.  I did think I remembered your name from the old days - nice to 'see' you again  

I know what you mean, wherever you are in life I think those old bfn feelings are still there, and it's hard as you have no control over when they might get uncovered again.  I imagine for your ex there's not as much thought in the matter as you give him credit for    the focus on other priorities in the past was possibly a way of dealing with bfns - he's not necessarily been the driving force in it happening this time around but will manage to find the time for it now it is.  I think that's often as far as the thought process goes for men!! 

Glad you've got some time alone with your partner.  I can completely empathise with living with step kids in lockdown - we had that all last year and it nearly broke me.  However well you get on with them it's insanely challenging and involves a lot of holding your breath and biting your tongue! 
My step daughter is now pregnant, which is what's nearly pushed me over the edge recently.  Fortunately no longer living with us and is 250 miles away in London, so out of sight, but it's hard. 

Lockdown and the pandemic hasn't helped anything so we're all under a lot more pressure than we would have been normally, and it amplifies things we'd struggle with in normal life.  Keep going easy on yourself and find some little things to enjoy this weekend. 

Xx


----------



## MrsC83 (Jun 1, 2016)

Sorry to hear that, Northern. That sounds like a really complicated situation and I would also be glad to be far away from it. How is your relationship with her, will you be involved with the baby much? How does your OH feel about it? 
I have just broken my dry January and treated myself to a glass of wine, January is hard enough without lockdown plus baby news!! I am trying to think of my ex’s announcement as another pregnancy announcement of an acquaintance - it’s someone I used to know and see every few weeks for a few minutes. But it will take a little time and patient and feeling sorry for myself before I can get to that stage just yet! 
Xxx


----------

