# Difficult situation - feeling torn



## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

So feeling really weird today and don't know what to do/think......sorry in advance for the long message.


So i won't bore you with too much detail but in a strange situation.....We have a large group of friends, all couples. We were the first to marry and start trying for children since we did (last 7 years) we have had the usual situation of watching couples meet, marry, get pregnant, have a child, get pregnant again, have another child etc all in the time we were trying. We only have one couple in our circle who didn't have children, my husbands best friend and DP, and at the time they said they didn't want any.


We have always outwardly been incredibly pleased when we have been told about pregnancies even when it was killing us on the inside. We know our situation made people feel uncomfortable and tried everything to reassure people they shouldn't feel awkward around us. 


During our journey towards parenthood, like everyone here we had a terrible time, including me getting an infection after a round of IVF that nearly killed me, resulting in me having to have two, 9 hour operations and a 6 month recovery period. During this time we received literally no support from our friends, not even a phonecall to ask my DH how he was coping. (I was a walking zombie, so it wasn't me who needed the help). I think they thought we were "bringing them down"


Around April last year, something changed in our last remaining childless friends. Nothing was said, but i just knew they were "trying". DH confided in me that he was desperate for us to become parents before them...not in a nasty way, it was just a result of all our waiting. Anyway, unfortunately they had a very early miscarriage. When they told us i was devastated for them, I cried for several days as i would never wish what we had been through on anyone. However, despite recognising that we are probably the only couple they know who would really understand the pain they are going through, she seemed to aim all her bitterness towards us. It was mostly aimed at DH - shouting matches about almost any subject, but particularly our views on children and parenthood - our views are based around research and facts we have accumulated during this process.....she even said she thought there was no evidence to suggest women shouldn't drink during pregnancy.....ludicrous - there was no talking to her, it was embarrassing and painful to be around! I felt it very badly and even considered breaking contact with them, but knew it was coming from a place of hurt, and because of the reasons resonating with me, I vowed to try harder with her.


When we were approved for adoption, she was the only one who didn't say congratulations....the silence was deafening....she was deliberately making some kind of point. I chose to ignore it....However, we have been recently matched and haven't told anyone, as we are waiting until after matching panel. But she just posted a cryptic message on ******* and when DH sent her a private message she replied that "she was in a very vulnerable place" and that "it was a waiting game". I can only assume she is pregnant again, and potentially loosing it. I felt sick when i heard, bad for them, but also guilty about our match despite 7 years of pain to get here. Now i'm going to be too scared to tell her our news in case it all kicks off again.....any advice would be appreciated, as i'm not sure how to handle this?


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hello


Although my husband and I are not adopting (still flogging the treatment horse) I absolutely know where you are coming from. 


It sounds like you have been a very patient, very loyal friend who has gone out of her way to support your friends and allow them to celebrate their own joys. I know how being in our position makes people feel uncomfortable and awkward (I am like the spectre at the feast in any baby situation now) and I can understand how worried you are about telling your friend. XX


But to put in into perspective: It's not a game of one up man ship, certainly not from your point of view, you have absolutely every right to be ecstatic and over joyed. You have watched while everyone else had joy in their lives, now it's your turn. Keep focused on what is happening in your family, that's the important place, your partner, you and your new family.


Be kind, and gentle with your friend when you tell her, explain that you know she's having a tough time and you don't want to upset her (I am certain this will be the approach that most of your friends have had with you) but be firm that you don't feel guilty for having good news. Her reaction will be her reaction and you have no power to change that or how she is feeling, but you can change how YOU react to her reaction. Keep centred, you don't need to feel bad for having happiness in your life. 


You feel bad because you know how much it hurts when friends tell you good news when you are struggling, you quite literally know how that feels. But people will always feel bad, hurt irrationally, people will always have some negative feelings if they are struggling themselves, you can't change that. Accept that she might react badly, but don't attach that to your situation. If she's any sort of a decent person she will, maybe in time, come around and be happy for you.






So sorry that even in your joy the IF situation taints everything.


best wishes


Wendy


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

I have absolutely no advice but just wanted to wish you the very best of luck when your little one comes home. I know from experience and heart ache how tricky relationships can become when you are an infertile couple. You have obviously been through so much and deserve every happiness so please don't let your friends bring you down. After a lot of problems with a particular couple over the past year someone said to me that they had read that 10% of people cause you 90% of your heart ache and that if you rid yourself of those 10% you'll be happier. It's not for everyone and you might feel like you want to carry on fighting for your friendship but you have every right to be happy that you have been matched and to celebrate that. Sorry, my waffling probably hasn't helped at all xxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Even though i totally understand where your friends coming from i think she has become bitter and some what nasty about things.  This of course is sad but its not your fault and she has no right to make you or your dh feel this way.  If this is a short term thing and she is going to come back out the other side i would def remain friends with her but at the end of the day a friendship is meant to be positive and your both meant to get something out of it, if you dont think things will ever change and this continues i would reduce contact with her.


I had a friend who went through some horrible things, she changed and became nasty and bitter towards me, my dh and my 2 other friends, we stuck with her for ages and even tried to help her though it.  But alternately we all one by one had to let the friendship go as she was just so nasty towards us all and there was no positive friendship.  It got to the point that she thought she could speak to us in anyway she wanted and that the world owed her, when she gave no respect to the people she was meant to care for the most.  Dont forget friendship is a two way thing and its not just about her.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Its tough for you all but the reality is your life is changing whatever happens with your friend.
We never went down the treatment route but had a friend who couldn't conceive naturally and opted for treatment. She couldn't or wouldn't understand why we didn't try tx and told us she would rather not have a child than adopt! I think it was fear talking and that realisation that she wasn't in control of her body. Fortunately our friends tx worked but she was very blasé about it all to the point another friend had an argument with her. She has never really taken an interest in either of our children and while we are still friends we are not as close. I do think there is an element of jealousy from our friend as we have settled and our children have found their place in our lives.
Don't let it bother you too much. You have much to look forward to and while you can offer support and experience you can't change the outcome.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

The stress of infertility can turn the best of us into raving loonies, looking back I did and said some very inppropriate things to friends as the years went on and I got more and more stressed with the situation. So I kind of sympathise with your friend but also with you because you have been there but found a positive way forward and need to leave all that crap behind. You need to focus on you and your new little family..its SO much more important than this friendship at the moment..she is clearly having trouble feeling able to support you at the moment and thats ok, thats her problem not yours..if she is going through a tough time at present then thats rubbish timing but there isnt much you can do about it. be sympathetic from a distance but keep your eyes on your prize which is so close now..dont let anything get in the way of the journey you are about to start…
 
kj x


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## Lady-S (Apr 20, 2012)

Didn't want to read and run. Stumbled across this post and just wanted to wish you the very best of luckxxxxxx. Can't offer advice, just a hug!! Hope that will do xxx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

I know like you do that infertility does drive you a little bit mad. I wonder, looking back how I got through it and yes I can understand that your friend has been in a tough place. And I like you, wouldn't wish it on anyone. But you deserve your happiness so much. You deserve to celebrate and enjoy every single bit of this time. Even if you now have to distance yourself from her. Your little family is your little world. Huge congratulations and   for being in such a difficult situation. X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

No one has the right to be vicious and nasty to you regardless of situation however they do have the right (in my opinion) to say I need some time out from you while I process my hurt. I said this to a number of friends during my lowest times and I stand by the fact it was the only thing I could do at that time to protect myself. 

I think tell her calmly in the way that will best suit her perhaps not publicly etc and then say I understand that you are going through a really difficult time right now and may not feel able to be part of this right now. I completely respect that and we are here when you are ready. 

That's what I'd do anyway but that's only if you feel there is actually something worth salvaging if not then just forget about these people and focus on your happiness. Adoption and becoming parents will change your support network and friends so I'm sure you won't be short. Good luck and congratulations Mummy to be x x x x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

every single person on this thread is far nicer and more patient than i would be.   she sounds an utter nightmare, and the ******* thing sounds like the worst kind of passive aggressive attention seekery.

i think i'd be letting this friendship drift tbh, it sounds like she's done bugger all for you so why bend over backwards?


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