# Warning...Off loading, friends, bumps, babies, ICSI, Donor...



## Sparkle30 (Mar 18, 2013)

Dear people who understand...

Warning- extreme honesty alert!

I am having a moment where I'm screaming inside my head and feel like punching people and throwing things although no one knows and no one can tell!  Why can't they tell?  Because I'm smiling and say all the right things all the time.  Most of the time I do mean them at that moment but I've just realised I'm not as good as I thought I was at being happy for everyone else!

ALL my (close) friends are pregnant- I know you might think, surely not all of them, but seriously, all of them! (or just had a baby!)  It's like the universe thinks it's right to torture someone just for kicks and they have chosen me!  I'm not sure why or what I've done to deserve it but seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have friends in different circles and one by one they have all shared their great news with me, some of them it's their first- which obviously is very exciting.  Some their second and some third.  7 pregnant women, 1 new born and one who I know was trying and certain now is as she is avoiding me, and it's her second (even though her whole life she told me she never wanted children)  I'm glad she changed her mind, she is a great mum but I am the opposite or her.

I always wanted children.  I had this fairytale planned out...  get married, get a house, good job, have a baby.  Now that fairytale is complicated and heartbreaking.

I have this amazing, beautiful, caring, intelligent husband who is everything and more to me and he can't have children.  We had the tests, they gave us hope saying ICSI might work, I was slowly tortured twice through 2 rounds which didn't work and now they say it won't work for us and the answer is donor.

Back to the friend thing...  I have said and done all the right things in the right places, I've texted and called on important dates and send gifts to congratulate their arrival.  However, I just saw a photo of my big group of friends all together with the kids they already have running around and the women (my friends) all there with their huge bellies!  Just reminding me that they are all part of this club that I'm not a part of and don't know when I will be.  I don't want to avoid people but I'm so glad I wasn't able to meet with them all this weekend because I know now that I couldn't handle it.

Friends I would normally ring when down I can't ring anymore because they are all part of the problem.

I don't feel ashamed that we are going to go down the donor route but I do feel like life is so unfair because my husbands genes should be passed on.

I know when we decide to start the process of donor conception and hopefully get our baby that we wish for everyday that we will be happy.  I just don't know when.  Not knowing when this will all happen is hard.  My husband isn't ready and I can't ask him when he might be.

Sorry about the rant/ pity party but I had to get it out.

Feeling better now, thanks


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Don't worry honey, I'm in the similar position: 4 (out of 5) very close friends all due a week after each other - quote "isn't it great, we can all be bump buddies" - when, just to stick that knife in more, it would have been our due date had our FET worked!

I have literally one childless friend who isn't currently TTC and I half think the reason for that is she feels bad for us. In our extended circle of friends (which isn't that massive a circle) we have two couples who are on their 3rd child since we originally started ttc. 

Anyway, back to what I wanted to say - hope you didn't mind me joining your pity party for a bit there, I'm currently DR and having a permanent pity party!  

We have thought a lot and decided to head down the adoption route after we have finished with these frosties. I was getting quite upset that "the line" will be finished and I won't be passing on my nose (which is probably a blessing) or my husbands rubbish eyesight (which is definately a blessing) on to any poor unsuspecting mini-me. BUT, we will be able to pass our love of sport, books, being lazy and not getting dressed on a Sunday, silly sayings and phrases and favourite foods and films, and educate them in proper musical taste - well, mine not my husbands, that would be cruel!  

What I am trying (not very well) to get at is that wether you have a child from your bits or a donor or a surrogate or adoption you will pass on so much more than genetics. I know they say that blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood and whatever happens in your life it sounds to me that you have a wonderful partner you love very much and when/if he/you is ready to look at options about donor sperm you will be looking at it together and he will still be passing on so much more than his hair or eye colour  

(I hope all that makes sense, but your post really struck a chord with me and I'm very emotional right now so sorry for waffling!) 

Xxx


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## seemedlike4eva (Jan 26, 2010)

Sparkle,
I spent an awful long time in the place where you are, with my plastic smile stuck on my face, buying gifts thinking 'When the heck is it going to be my time?'
I knew when I got married about my DHs problem, but circumstances meant we couldn't start TTC until 2005, so it took us 8 years of tx, and 13 years of marriage, and saw the birth of 22 babies among family and friends, including 3 friends undergoing tx.
It is horrible, because the pain is secret - if you share it, people treat you like outcasts, and only those of us who have been there will ever really know.


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## Sparkle30 (Mar 18, 2013)

Cloudy,

Thank you for your reply to my post, I wasn't expecting a response and needed somewhere to rant.  I definitely don't mind you joining the 'pity party' and DR means you have special rights   .

Your response really helps.  One of my closest friends has their due date the same as me (mine would have been) this December and all her milestones would have been my milestones which does make it harder.  I haven't told her its the exact date but she must be aware it would have been the same time.

I completely understand your decision to go down the adoptive route, I've thought about it myself also.  I agree with all your thoughts about love and what impact we truly have on our children.  It is 'us' not genetics that mould and create wonderful human beings, that can grow up with all our little ways.

I think that how ever hard it is realising you can't have children (the conventional way) it must be really hard to think you can't/ haven't got a family- children who need families will be so confused and really just need a lot of love and care, which sounds to me like your family would be perfect to give.  I'd like to think after having one or two donor children then we could adopt another one or two.  Another item to discuss with hubby when he's ready!

Thank you so much for your comments, they made perfect sense.  I hope everything works out well for you.  

Seemedlike4eva,

Thank you for your comment also and sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time.  I am so pleased to see you now have a lovely baby girl.  Thank you for understanding.  

Big hugs all round, feeling brighter today  

Sparkle30


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi

I do hope that you do not mind me posting - as you may include me as being part of the problem.

I was told when young I was unlikely to ever have children.

I got to 36/37 and wanted a baby desperately. Being single complicated things for me! 

Then when I had decided on apath to take and got closest loved ones on side, a very close family member announced they were pregnant after one month of ttc. I wrote a very similar thread to you at the time.

What I will say is that against the odds, I didn't end up going down the IVF route - even though was told this was the way to go.

SO there IS always hope and the pain doesn't won't necessarily feel this bad forever. I know how I couldn't face seeing the pregnant girl and it took time, but eventually I managed it as you will again.

You possibly could consider counselling re having to now go down donor sperm route so that both you and your husband have come to terms with this next move. 
Your issues will no doubt in many ways be very different to what mine were re ds, but you need time/space to come to terms with this as well.

On a positive note, you may find that you could try less invasive options for treatment with ds than icsi. I know this is no consellation to having your OH's genetic child, but always remember that being a Dad is much more than a bunch of cells.

Good luck and I hope that today seems a little brighter than yesterday.


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Sparkle,

You've had some great advice already which I won't repeat but I have a ton of pregnant friends I could just slap myself so know how you feel.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention the donor thing.... as you had your BFN in April, it is fairly recent news that you will need donor sperm and I just wanted to share our experience.  We had our first negative SA (ie zero sperm) at end of 2011, then an unsuccessful surgical sperm retrieval in Spring 2012 and it took us a full year to decide whether to pursue donor/adoption/remaining childless.  I would say there are 3 things that helped - 

1.  counselling

2.  the Donor Conception Network charity and in particular their preparation course for people considering using donor gametes.  We met several lovely couples, all needing donor, and it was great to consider the issues together and also for my DH to meet other nice, normal men, just like him, who also had no/not usable sperm.

3.  this was the most important one - keep communicating.  Even though we often did not have anything 'new' to say on the topic, DH and I spoke about it every weekend I would say.  Ranging from just checking in that each other was hanging in there ok, to bigger discussions where we talked about our fears and where we were in our thought process.  I truly think this was essential to us staying connected during this time and I feel our relationship is a million times stronger for the bad times we have weathered together.  I would recommend finding ways to talk to your DH - without putting pressure on him or making him feel he is on a timeline.  Show him this if you need to!

Good luck   x


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## ceci.bee (Nov 1, 2008)

Sparkle                         just read your post and wanted to send you a massive hug. I have been in your situation, literally walked in your shoes - with everyone getting pg around me, crying when I got texts announcing pgs or births - one text came through as we walked through the door of the clinic to be told 'its donor or adopt'. After a long long journey of tests, biopsies, miscarriage and near financial ruin, we made the move to donor sperm. I had counselling, which was brilliantly helpful, as I needed a private space to rant and rave and work through my anger and upset about the situation - my DH wanted me to keep his infertility private, so couldn't talk to anyone about it, and even if I did, I couldn't talk about all my feelings as I didn't want to be judged by then in the future. The counselling was fab, she told me that the jealousy of other women getting pg easily is completely normal and natural, she told me a story of a client who went to see her best friend in hospital after having a baby, and was so upset in the lift that she wished the baby either had died or had a serious abnormality, and then felt dreadful afterwards for thinking that - an extreme but normal reaction to the actual torture of being surrounded by bumps and babies and totally excluded from the club. I sent an email around to my friends who were all parents of small babies/children, explaining that I loved them, but with what we were going through it was too difficult for me to see/talk to them at the mo, but I would be back as part of each others lives in time, and not to take it personally. I got some lovely replies, and it didn't affect the important friendships.
We like Bumble went to the DC network, and made some lovely friends - we are all meeting up regularly with our children now so they all have friends as well who come from the same place to support each other as they get older.

And I can promise you with all my heart that being a donor mummy is wonderful. J doesn't look physically like DH at all (despite all the care we took with matching, that is genetic lottery), but he is the most loved child, and he and DH compeltely adore each other, you could not see a closer or more special bond. All our worries about genetics which we had loads (feel free to read my diary) have gone out of the window, last night Dh was reading J his 'my story book' from the DC network, and the delight on J's face when he reads it now is a joy to see - J is a total daddies boy. I have no worries that J will ever reject DH at any point, or go looking for the donor in search of a daddy. My mum was right, when she said to me when I was pg and worried about it all 'babies bring love with them' and it is true- now all we feel about the donor is gratitude to the amazing man whose gift made our happiness possible, and took away years of heartbreak and sadness. I am sure it will be the same for you hun, just give yourself time          

Good luck hun


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