# Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child



## jessica60

Hi,
As post says, has anyone accepted the fact that they have one child and not by choice this child will be an only.

I have a four year old and have been trying for number two for three years. I feel so drained and emotionally tired of this pursuit for a sibling. Ivf has really taken it out of me and so have the miscarriages.

Has anyone gone through the same? Have you decided to end the pursuit on number two and make good what you have got.

One minute  I think not trying anymore will be good for my daughter, I can have more time, energy and money for her, the next minute I worry that she will not have a sibling. She has no cousins and I have close friends  with kids in same age range.

Thoughts please ??

Also I'm nearly 40


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## ELKA82

Hi Jessica. 
We have 3 yo( first go at ICSI) and totally undecided about 2nd. We havent tried yet and really dont know if we will in future. Because i am in two minds. In my heart i can just go for it tomorrow, when in my head i am about, why using our savings on something that might not even happen and just have great life with our girl. So hard. Especially, she is asking lately, why all her friends have baby-siblings,  but not her. 

My husband is 50 now too and not as keen, because need Tesa. 

You r not alone xxx


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## jessica60

Hi elka

It's soon hard, when I had my last bfp which ended in mc, I felt scared not overjoyed. I felt panicked at sleepless nights, toddler group chats, and whether I could give the same time and all that effort I gave to my first to the baby. I took my daughter everywhere, music groups, bany signing,I just felt like I didn't have the energy.

I'm not sure if it was my body psychologically preparing me for a mc but I was upset when I found out I lost it. What scares me is that I will have those feelings of panic again if I get a bfp.

Is this telling me that I don't really want another one Because every time I see a newborn or toddler I just want another child


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## Blueestone

Hi

I'm am in a very similar situation!

I have a 13yo and have been having iui and IVF with donor sperm for the last year with one cp and one early miscarriage.

I'm now at a crossroads of having one last try, using donor eggs or giving up and just sticking to one child.

My heart says my child deserves a sibling in this world but half of my body says I'm getting too old and I've missed the fertility boat...

I can't bring myself to make the decision!


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## Sophcol

Hi Jessica , Elka and Bluestone, also in a similar situation. My son is 6yrs and we've been trying for over 3 yrs for a second. Ive had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in the last year and I just don't know if I should give up and enjoy the life I have. I am exhausted and we've spent £11k on IVF already. I wish I could make the decision but I just don't know if I am ready to say no more! Should we try one more round? Has anyone thought about adoption? It kills me to think of my son as an only child! Good to know we're not alone xx


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## Gemini40

Yip, I'm in same boat. I am going down de route but have all the same niggles, like spending all our savings and it might not work, not bonding with second, not physically  fit for it any more and another big worry being what if the child is born with difficulties or a disability. Did I push things too far ? Complete head recker


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## jessica60

I'm lucky so far in the fact that she has not mentioned that everyone else has brothers and sisters. I'm dreading that one. 

I've just put her to bed cuddling her and again I wanted another one. I'm now downstairs having a quiet drink and watching a bit of tv whilst she is a sleep. If I had a baby I would be waiting for the baby monitor to go off, and now I think I don't want another? 

Again is it my body psychologically preparing me for not having another baby. 

I too have considered adoption but the whole process seems just as stressful as ttc. Also some adoptive children still have links to birth family and I don't think I could handle that. I would have strongly considered fostering but I work and you can't have a full time job in order to foster.


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## Molly78

I can completely relate to what you're saying. I m keen to go through ivf again my husband has reluctantly agreed but it is exhausting, I even found my recent failed fet emotionally draining. I would love another one but my husband is concerned we will spend our time chasing something that may not happen instead of concentrating fully on enjoying our son. 

I m getting old too but I know people are successful at my age - maybe I m blindly optimistic


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## HopingAndPraying

Hi ladies x 

I'm in the same boat. Always said my FET would be my last attempt and when I had a m/c it made me then think of another fresh round! But I'm having an ongoing debate with myself that if my previous fresh rounds didn't work 2 years ago what chance do I have now that I'm older! So why waste my time, emotions and money! 

It's hard to give up though! 

I would love a sibling so much for both my DD and myself! It's such a tough journey! 

Hope we all get there X good luck ladies xxx


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## beckalouise

Hi all, sorry to hear that many of you are going though a difficult time ttc no 2  . Our son is nearly 5 and we have had 2 failed FET around the time he was 3. At the time is was absolutely desperate to have a second because this is what I always thought I would have growing up! However quite quickly (and surprised myself) I decided to give up on fertility treatment and spend the time and money giving my son lots of amazing experiences. We been all over and he LOVES his family holidays and day trips out  . I'm lucky that's he's never asked why he doesn't have a brother or sister too! My friends that have new borns now first have started school have often commented how they miss life with 1 and the freedom to give them all of them!

It a very personal decision and maybe I'm just lucky coming to some closer quicker than most xx


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## jessica60

To help me deal with this mc and the possibility of never having number two I'm researching google like mad to find positives of having an only child. What I have found is very mixed.

Today I met up with a nursery mom from my daughters nursery. She has a son my daughters age and a two year old. She only bought the older kid along as it was too much for her to take them both to the park, it is just too hard with two she said and she constantly went on about them fighting. She didn't know about the mc or my struggle in getting a second child. Maybe it was a sign.


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## HopingAndPraying

Hi Jessica 

That's a good idea to note down the positives X although I don't think unfortunately I will ever fully accept it as I always wanted more than one child! When my husband was diagnosed with sperm issues I prayed and prayed for one child and said I would be happy with one and I am more than happy , however now that I have experienced the joy my DD brings I feel devastated to stop at one! And I know having 2 kids would be hard but the happiness they would bring outweighs the tough times when they are young!

I'm not sure how I will make peace with the situation but regardless I am so grateful for my little miracle 

I wish you all the very best 

Becka Louise thank you for sharing your story X you have such a lovely positive approach and its good to hear your view! 

Take care X


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## lemongrass

Hi all,

I am pregnant but still read these boards as I was in the same position, having the same thoughts, not very long ago. Jessica, someone called Abbeyhouse wrote a fantastic post on this issue on a thread about struggling to accept that there might not be a sibling - here is the link: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=341707.msg6226183#msg6226183
She makes some very good points.

I think I had started down the road of accepting that my DS might not have a sibling when we got pregnant, though I had some way to go. I just wanted to mention that I am an only child myself, and had a great childhood. My parents always made sure I had friends over all the time (and I would go to their places too), and I never really felt like I'd missed out. I do remember asking my poor mother why I didn't have a brother or sister for a while (I think I must have been about 5), but it was more because I wanted to know why I was 'different', not because I desperately wanted one. When she gave an explanation (she said something along the lines of that it was better for me this way!), I accepted it and moved on. Once you're at school, the peer group takes on much more significance and I think the lack of a sibling to play with etc matters less - you get totally preoccupied with friends, work and extra-curricular stuff.

So, in case people are worried that being an only child involves being condemned to a life of solitude, it really doesn't! All the best to you all with your decision-making  xx


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## DBW8

Hello,

I am new to these boards but this has struck a cord with me because I am very much trying to come to terms with only having one child. I thought I'd share a book I ordered which is called 'One and Only' https://www.amazon.co.uk/One-Only-Freedom-Having-Child/dp/1451626967 and is about the benefits of having one child. I must be honest and say that I put it down after reading only a few pages as I didn't feel ready just yet but I am hoping to pick it up again soon and try to engage with the positives!

/links


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## Sienna77

Hi, I'm the same too. My 3 year old was the result of 4 stim cycles. I swore after years & years of trying that I wouldn't do it again. Yet here I am on the 2ww on the 6th stim (plus 3 FET) since then. 
I did give up, but just didn't feel ready to. I'm nearly 40 so also feel I'm running out of time. 
I'm not sure I'll ever accept it, I feel so much guilt for my daughter, didn't want her to be an only child. Breaks my heart when I see her playing on her own & she tells me she's lonely. It doesn't help that we don't have any friends with one child, they've all gone on to have more. 
Sorry I can't help, I wish I had the answer myself. I've been for counselling & dudnt find it helped.


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## miamiamo

Hi, my sister has decided to have only one child as she does want to concentrate on her business. I hope she'll change her mind soon.


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## Flips

We'll only be having one. Two fresh ivfs and three FETs and two miscarriages have taken it out of me. Hopefully my current pregnant will result in the child we want. There's nothing wrong with being an only child, and it's becoming more common.


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## Daisy1972

I'm in the same boat except that I am older than you, had my first when I was 40 after 2 MC. There is not one day that passes during which I don't think about how much I would love to give my son a sibling. Not so much for playing when they are little but as an important person when they are older. I would be lost without my sisters. Have you thought about using a donor egg ? I am currently thinking about it but haven't decided one way or the other...


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## Gemini40

Hi All,

I have just finished a failed cycle using donor eggs, which was supposed to be the magic answer to my problems with conception. I have one child naturally and not a sniff of a positive pregnancy test in the 4 years proceeding her birth dispite the numerous IUI, ICSI OE and now ICSI DE. The difficulty I have with giving up is that there are still options available to me i.e. a better clinic, younger donor etc. But where does it all end?? How much money do you throw at this? As disappointed as I feel today that the DE ICSI has failed the one thing I have realised is that I crave my own genetic child , maybe even more than I realised. I think I need someone to stop me continuing with this journey. Sorry for rant.


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## mo89

Hi ladies. Just to say I am an only child amd never caused me any bother. I loved it. I am so close with my mum and think if I had siblings I maybe wouldnt be so close. Lile you say with one, more time and energy can go into him/her. Although I would have liked 3 but struggle with even one just now. Good luck on making decision s. I know its so hard and draining. Have you thought of de or adoption? Xx


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## Sienna77

Gemini- I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a huge decision to go with DE & I think there's the assumption it would work. So do they think your issue is more implantation than egg quality? My Dr has suggested DE numerous times to me but like you said, we just don't feel ready to give up the dream of having a biological child. It's also so expensive & I do worry if it would work. 
Have you got more DE frozen?


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## Gemini40

Hi Sienna, I am at a bit of a loss really with it all. I only had 2 6 cell embryos on day 3 and nothing to freeze so it was really poor I don't know if it is bad luck with the donor or me. But I have one child naturally concieved 2012- so confused...


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## Sienna77

I think secondary fertility is so hard to accept because of that. As much as my first took a lot of cycles, I still got pregnant, so I can't work out why my body can't do it again!!
At least you know you've tried everything, including the DE, as I think that's what we need to know, that there was nothing else we could have done. 
Although I don't know if I'll ever give up trying.


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## AppleTwig

I've just come across this thread while on 2ww for no. 2. This is our first try since having our daughter and I feel like it hasn't worked, hence reading this. It's really helpful to read positive stories from only children and from parents who've stopped or come to terms with having one child and all the benefits that brings. It's so hard as I feel like a sibling is so important, as I had two sisters and am so close to them, but at the same time I can see how being a little family unit has advantages for her too. I want to make sure that whatever happens i've made some sort of decision about it rather than end up feeling unhappy. I've mentally decided to do 1-2 more fresh ICSI cycles but no more than that as more than a year is not worth it. Partly because it takes it out of me too much and I should be focussing on our daughter, but also because in less than a year I'll be 39 and we already have major sperm issues so it just doesn't seem that likely. 
Thanks all for sharing your stories so far.


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## askingtheangels

Does anyone still want to have a chat on this subject? My 5th DE cycle has just failed and I certainly need help in coming to terms with the possibility of my gorgeous little boy being an only child x


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## Molly78

Hi Shoegal

We've just had a failed icsi treatment..... I currently feel like the dream of a sibling is slipping away but I don't think I m ready to give up just yet. I have to say I m starting to lose faith and also a lot of money 😕 x


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## askingtheangels

Hi Molly, good to hear from you! I can't even begin to add up the money we've spent on 3 OE IVFs and 5 DE IVF's over the years - it would make me sick. 

I can't give up on a second child yet either. We have 3 frosties left at our clinic which I will go back for in the new year but it's hard to keep faith when I've already transferred 11 'perfect' looking DE blasts (they weren't pgs tested though to be fair). Having said to ourselves that this fresh donor is our absolute last go given my age and our finances I'm already, in my head, wondering if we go to another clinic and start again.....such is the madness of this secondary infertility journey and my deep desire for another child. 

Each failed cycle feels like a mini bereavement - only those that go through it will understand. Everywhere I look there are pregnant ladies just to add an extra kick in the gut and I dread the thought of someone close to me announcing a pregnancy.

Over the last 6 years I've been very good at picking myself up and getting a plan together for trying again - and of course, I'm thankful every day for the precious gift of my little boy. We've managed to shield him from this TTC journey and we live by the principles of ensuring he has a full and rounded life (we're lucky to live near cousins) and that he doesn't miss out on as many life experiences as we can give him. But that desire for a second child refuses to go away. 

It's almost like I live a two-faceted life - one where we live as a team of 3 to the utmost, experiencing as much as we can (much like in Abbeyhouse's lovely post - link in a previous post in this thread), and the other life, a kind of background shadow life where I day dream about us having another child and chase that dream as far as possible.

Well, it's been nice to offload a little! And to know I'm not alone. xxx


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## Molly78

I do know what you mean about the bereavement and I ve only had 2 fail so can't begin to imagine how hard it is time after time... 
It's very hard trying to come to terms with things. I've been so focused on having another child at times I feel it is at the expense of my boys which makes me feel guilty. The disappointment of this week has made me reevaluate things particularly in relation to work, there is more to life but then I need to extra money for treatment - dilemmas!! It would just be so nice if there were some guarentees! 

We moved clinic after our failed fet due to improved success rates, however, i ve never been too sure about the place and now it hasn't worked I m even more negative kind of wish we'd stayed where we were! In my mind it feels like it's not going to work at this new clinic which I know is just ridiculous. Your journey sounds so difficult and expensive, it's such a heartbreaking process.  I presume you have tried the endro scratch my accupuncturist raves about this and I think I m going to suggest next time.... 

Take care xx


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## Mooface

Hi. I'm new here but this thread feels appropriate. 
We have a 4 year old dd who is awesome. Needed some treatment to get her but not IVF. Then had a MC last summer and first cycle of IVF in may (unexpected disaster with none fertilised). So now I am post ec for our second cycle with icsi and assisted hatching and hoping we will have something to transfer on Monday at d5. I don't know what we will do if things don't work out this time (both financially and emotionally I don't know if we can keep doing this).


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## Sienna77

I so feel for all of you & it's so hard hearing the struggles everyone has. 
We are the same. My DD took many years & IVF cycles & we've tried the same for a 2nd child. A month ago we failed the 7th stim cycle & we didn't get 1 egg fertilised. So the Dr has said we have to give up. I'm beyond devastated. I feel the decision to stop has been taken from me.  Even though financially we would probably have to stop anyway, I'm struggling to come to terms that I've had that choice taken away from me. The Dr said she thought I was infertile already. 
I've been on anxiety drugs & my GP referred me to a psychologist. But it's not really helping. I've stopped being sociable & as much as I'm desperately trying to not let this impact my beautiful DD, I'm just so down about it. 
I am desperate to have another baby & don't want my DD being an only child. 
But I have no choice but to accept it. I am not sure I ever will.


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## Sienna77

I so feel for all of you & it's so hard hearing the struggles everyone has. 
We are the same. My DD took many years & IVF cycles & we've tried the same for a 2nd child. A month ago we failed the 7th stim cycle & we didn't get 1 egg fertilised. So the Dr has said we have to give up. I'm beyond devastated. I feel the decision to stop has been taken from me.  Even though financially we would probably have to stop anyway, I'm struggling to come to terms that I've had that choice taken away from me. The Dr said she thought I was infertile already. 
I've been on anxiety drugs & my GP referred me to a psychologist. But it's not really helping. I've stopped being sociable & as much as I'm desperately trying to not let this impact my beautiful DD, I'm just so down about it. 
I am desperate to have another baby & don't want my DD being an only child. 
But I have no choice but to accept it. I am not sure I ever will.


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## Sienna77

I so feel for all of you & it's so hard hearing the struggles everyone has. 
We are the same. My DD took many years & IVF cycles & we've tried the same for a 2nd child. A month ago we failed the 7th stim cycle & we didn't get 1 egg fertilised. So the Dr has said we have to give up. I'm beyond devastated. I feel the decision to stop has been taken from me.  Even though financially we would probably have to stop anyway, I'm struggling to come to terms that I've had that choice taken away from me. The Dr said she thought I was infertile already. 
I've been on anxiety drugs & my GP referred me to a psychologist. But it's not really helping. I've stopped being sociable & as much as I'm desperately trying to not let this impact my beautiful DD, I'm just so down about it. 
I am desperate to have another baby & don't want my DD being an only child. 
But I have no choice but to accept it. I am not sure I ever will.


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## Molly78

So sorry to read your post Sienna, it must be devastating for you.... Such a difficult thing to come to terms with.... Heartbreaking 😢😢 thoughts are with you c


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## jessica60

Hi, I'm the one that started this post a while back just after my mc. So I was in a mess back then googling everything. I had started to convince myself that having just one would be ok and I would be able to move on. I even booked a cruise for us next year.

Then when the hormones died down and I saw lots of newborns the wanting another kicked in. Therefore I had a top grade embryo transferred in oct and mc at 5 weeks.

Im about to go for another get tomorrow. I want this so bad but wish I didn't. My child has starting saying can you have a baby in your belly please mommy. I'm 40 soon and this is the last embryo I have left. Other people are getting pregnant all around. This whole process has put me into depression and made me a angry person. I don't socialise and do not spend any money as may have to spend even more on ivf.


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## Molly78

Hi Jessica so sorry to hear of your loss. I really hope it works out for you this time.... 
All seems so unfair... IVF really does alienate you from a social life as you can't drink and have no money to spend 😫 I m going to try and enjoy the Christmas period and put our last blastocyst back in January got a follow up appointment on Thursday.
I hope you get your bfp 🙏


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## jessica60

Just for update, I got a bfn on this fet. It was my last embryo. Now I face the stress and expense of icsi at the age of 40


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## lyzzibeth

Hi, I'm struggling too. We have a 10 year old conceived naturally but when it came to number 2 had various issues and discovered I have severe endometriosis. I had this removed but still nothing. I'm 40 in July and literally can't stand it I've never not wanted a birthday so much in my life. Everyone around me has had number 2 or even 3 and other friends who had previously struggled are now pregnant. I'm desperate for my son to have a sibling we hardly have any family anyway and the thought of him being alone when he's older is too much to bear. Friends don't know what to say anymore, I'm at the point where I can't be bothered to pretend everything is OK anymore (9 yesterday of trying has taken its toll) we previously tried IVF but never got started each time we went there was something else wrong, high AMH, cyst on ovary, couldn't find ovary!!!! I think we have to give IVF another go, I can't accept him being an only child, it's killing me 😢 (PS anyone in West Yorkshire?) xx


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## lyzzibeth

Hi, I'm struggling too. We have a 10 year old conceived naturally but when it came to number 2 had various issues and discovered I have severe endometriosis. I had this removed but still nothing. I'm 40 in July and literally can't stand it I've never not wanted a birthday so much in my life. Everyone around me has had number 2 or even 3 and other friends who had previously struggled are now pregnant. I'm desperate for my son to have a sibling we hardly have any family anyway and the thought of him being alone when he's older is too much to bear. Friends don't know what to say anymore, I'm at the point where I can't be bothered to pretend everything is OK anymore (9 yesterday of trying has taken its toll) we previously tried IVF but never got started each time we went there was something else wrong, high AMH, cyst on ovary, couldn't find ovary!!!! I think we have to give IVF another go, I can't accept him being an only child, it's killing me 😢 (PS anyone in West Yorkshire?) xx


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## FJG

So glad I found this post.
I have one son turning 5 in August and we have been trying now for over 3 years. 
I went down the IVF route earlier in the year, had a real panic about everything and stopped before ER, I had planned to go to prague but really didn't have the support mentally.
I am now going to give it another try but this time in the UK, that way I know what to expect.  Looking to start soon.
My DS is always hoping for another baby in my tummy as everyone I know or see seems to be pregnant.


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## Sienna77

I'm sorry to hear what you are all going through, it all seems so unfair. I hope you do try ivf & have success. 
My DD was IVF and as hard as the journey is, it's so worth it. 
Please let us know how you are getting on. We can suppprt you through the cycle. 

I've also just turned 40 and was so depressed about it, feel it's the end of any more hope of having a second. Although the Dr told me to give up on ivf, I've always had this glimmer of hope that maybe I'll fall naturally, which is stupid as we've been trying for 9 years now & it's never happened naturally. 
I don't know if you ever come to terms with it? It's been months since we were told to stop doing the cycles yet I still don't feel any closure or think about it any less. I'm still less sociable & avoid people if I think they are trying for another baby. I left a kids birthday party in tears as my friend announced she was pregnant with her 3rd, I just didn't see it coming. My poor DD had to leave the party early which is so unfair on her. 
She's the most precious miracle & as much as I am grateful for every single second I spend with her, I feel cruel for not giving her a sibling.


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## Lilly08

Hi.. My story is very similar. We already have a 10 years old child and we want a sibling for our child. I thought of IVF.. but the issue is that I'm 47 years old!! Hubby is 48. 
I didn't think to give up. There are other options. Most likely I will go for surrogacy. Have you thought about it?
I think surrogacy will be the best option for us. 
I also heard that surrogacy abroad is cheaper. 
I'm currently contacting some of the clinics. I will keep you updated. But probabilities of success are high and results are worth it. That keeps me motivated to try. We should never lose hope.
Please, don't give up and keep on trying. I'm sure you will have great news soon


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## helchris1981

Same here, we have a 3 year old daughter and ever since I was a child I wanted 3 children, we started trying a year ago now but as soon as we did my periods stopped and I was told I was menopausal after tests but now there is a question mark over that as recent test results are normal, however my periods have stopped again after they started again last year! Anyway, we are starting to accept that we won't have another child, we're focusing on the positives of it and while at first I found it very hard being around friends who have all since gone on to have a second child I now see the bonuses to only having one, the time I get to spend with my daughter, and she will hopefully grow up closer to me and my husband which can only be a good thing. My friends with two are finding it hard and guilty splitting their time between two, and you only have to read the other sections of this forum to find so many stories of people that don't have any children 😢 it doesn't take away the fact that having the choice of having another child taken away from us though, it is heart breaking, it's like grieving for a loved one, I'm sure it will get better for us all with time x


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## HopefulKayte

I am happy to find this kind and supportive group, but not happy for what we are struggling with. I don't know anyone in my 'real life' that is facing this, and very few people I know have even faced infertility.

We have a wonderful little boy who just turned 4.5, conceived via IVF. We have been trying to give him a sibling since he was 1. We are unable to get pregnant without IVF, so it's been a long 8 years of expensive, stressful, lonely times. There is no coverage here and we are in this alone. We feel very lucky to have succeeded with our son, and from his birth to age 1, it was amazing to have a break from constant cycling and medical stress, and to focus on the miracle of having had a child!

I feel ashamed to admit for the past couple years I've been really depressed about what's happened since. We had a chemical when he was 1.5, but I handled that pretty well, I think I had "IVF succeeders" guilt and felt it would only be fair to have another tough time conceiving. (Funny how warped things can get.) Plus he still seemed so small and we were enjoying him so much. We weren't able to get another BFP via IVF cycles until he was 2.5, and that ended in a difficult miscarriage. Since then, I have felt depressed, and often compared myself to others. And shortly after that, he started asking for a sibling. We tried with 3 more fresh cycles with no success and little hope with my own eggs. Then we did a donor egg cycle, though we didn't have any of the money, and thought it would be the answer. He wanted a sibling so much, was now 4, and all of his friends except one and his cousins had one or two siblings, and things became very hard for me socially. I was always on edge about what he might say in public and how attached he was to younger kids and babies. Also people didn't know what to say about our years of infertility and our loss, so some said nothing or drifted away, and sometimes I felt the need to exclude myself from certain things too.

I took some solace in that his closest friend, a boy 2 years older, was an only child and by choice. (I would not be happy for another person's infertility.) I can't really deal with him not having a sibling, it seems so fair to fight so long and hard and pay so much, and not succeed. I would tell myself that "at least he will always have ____" and when he asks why he can't get a baby, I would always point out there are other 1 child families and point out his closest friend. It pained me because I can't relate to that being a lifestyle choice or desire, so I would be so sad saying that but at least he could relate to someone. I always felt safe around this couple and their child, no worries, and grateful that he would know even one child who would have a similar life to him.

Then this week the couple told us they are pregnant. It was planned, they changed their mind to pursue another child which is obviously totally fine, but I have to admit I have been crying for days. Mainly for my little boy. I can't even imagine what will happen when he finds out, and the guilt and sadness I will feel when what we've always told him, that he wasn't the only one, evolves into his best friend "getting a baby". I can't imagine his confusion and realization that he is the only one without a brother or sister. I feel like a horrible person but I think it will shatter me. We are gearing up for a more affordable cycle overseas and no one knows about it, just like our last cycles. I can only pray it works.

Thanks for listening. It feels a bit better to get it out. Feeling so low.


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## Lilly08

HopefulKayte, sorry to know that.  
I don't think your son will suffer when he finds out he is the only child.. Children don't perceive things like adults..After a while he will forget about it..
World is full of children who never had a brother or a sister and they grow up healthy and happy.
4-6 years old is when children are discovering everything around them and they ask and request a lot of stuff. It is just natural.
It seems this issue is causing YOU a lot of stress and pain...I'm sure most of the women here can feel related in a way or another.
Have you considered adoption? or any other option?
Feel free to write us whenever you feel to


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## HopefulKayte

Thanks Lilly so much for reaching out. You are definitely right, I feel a lot of stress and pain. We had a failed donor egg cycle this spring that was wildly expensive and the donor didn't do much better than me in terms of making a blastocyst. I thought the door would be shut financially at this point, and I was too scared to even go there in case that sad attempt was "the end". When my husband asked if we were going to the Czech Republic to try next time, I almost cried with relief. I know it's not a given, but to transfer one average donor embryo with nothing to freeze and it not taking gutted us. I really feel the need to give it a good try and am anxious to try again. 
We are about to head to a neighbourhood party where we will see this couple and I'm pretty sure everyone knows the news although they are early along. I have been having a lot of anxiety about it. I've realized most of my pain and upset come from the fact that they knew about our miscarriage (after many IVFS, and over my birthday) and they kept away. I feel like they knew how difficult infertility in our marriage has been, and that it was my birthday, and to not show any kindness, or even send me a text or offer to help with our son, I have never forgotten that. I had to shamefully admit to my husband that in addition to the surprise of them telling us they're pregnant, I am not over their actions showing they didn't care when we lost our baby. As they know we don't have a supportive family who would assist, so really this caused us more pain as we have helped them so much in hard times. I will aim to give her a hug and try not to feel weird as the person in the room everyone knows is infertile and has had miscarriages, though no one has ever said anything to me about it or before/following situations that must have been hard for us. 
Sometimes this battle is just so hard, and I feel like it's all up to me to navigate, stay unemotional and make easier for everyone else. I know people don't mean to hurt when they say nothing but when everyone you know says nothing, it can be quite lonely and overwhelming. As with any trauma, love and some compassion is always a blessing!


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## Lilly08

Hopefulkate.. some people just don't know how to show support or empathy. I think this is the case of your friends. Others just don't care. Some people are selfish. But you don't have to let them bring you down. Count your blessings instead.
You have still chances of being a mom again..so there is hope. Keep strong!
Wishing you the best in your trip! May this time be the lucky one!


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## TM88

Hi all,

I used to be on this site quite regularly but haven't looked at it for a long time.

I have a daughter who was conceived naturally in 2013 who is now 3.5 years old and we have been trying for number 2 since she was 1.  I had a miscarriage before her (natural conception with the help of clomid) then 6 months later had fell pregnant with her and no help from clomid.  I fell pregnant naturally after i stopped breast feeding after 2 periods but sadly miscarried at 9/10 weeks ( had 1 scan and no hb, went back next week and there was a slow heart beat and then miscarried the week after, at the same time my second cousin (who was 2 years older than me) sadly died suddenly so wonder if that had any impact).  4 months later fell pregnant naturally again but sadly miscarried at 6 weeks.  I was shocked to get pregnant so quickly after the previous miscarriage but it wasn't to be.  Since then i went into trying to get pregnant overdrive, spending a fortune on acupuncture and taking herbs but still nothing.  So in march last year decided to go for ivy, did some tests and everything was good, AMH was 49 and FSH 6 so we said ok we try for another 3 months but nothing and we went for our first IVF.  They extracted 20 eggs, 16 fertilised and we took half to day 5 and half we froze at day 3.  So in total we had 4 x top grade blastocysts frozen and 4 x day 3 frozen.  They didn't do transfer that cycle as they worries my estradiol was too high especially as i responded so well to drugs.  So we waited 2 months as i went to friends wedding in hk and then in oct did my first FEt, transferred 2 top grade day 5 blasts with assisted hatching and glue and nothing, it was a natural cycle FET, then next month transferred 3, remaining 2 x day 5 and 1 x day 3, again nothing.  Then in jan this year transferred the remaining 3 day 3 and got a BFP, went to 7 weeks scan and there was a heart beat but potentially another yolk sac and she said maybe twins, come back in 10 days but when we went back, hb had gone and yet another miscarriage.  Took a good 3.5 weeks later before i properly miscarried.  Was booked in for a procedure but bled at home the night before.  Since then we have been trying naturally but nowt and I am at wits end. 

Im trying to convince myself if i don't think about it will happen.  I am worried that if we die, there will be no one for my daughter.  With my last miscarriage we stupidly told my daughter she would have a brother and sister and she was so excited.  Now when i say to her I'm sorry mummy can't have any more children she is like "its ok mummy, you have me"  "its just mummy daddy and me" but then we see her desperate to play with other kids and all other kids have siblings.

I gave myself 6 months to try naturally although its not been 6 months yet (its been 5) i am losing hope.

I had a mum text me from the NCT group telling me she's pregnant and due in october (she initially said she only wanted 1) and that she hopes it hasn't upset me as she knows i am trying...i am happy for her but i am allowed to be sad for me.

I am trying to think of positives about having an only child but my desire to have more kids is killing me.  I always wanted 4. 

To be fair, I am 1 of 5 and don't really get on with my siblings all the time.

i need to try and change my mindset as i don't want to damage what i have with my daughter.

My husband isn't keen to try ivf as we aren't rich and spending all our savings.  I know he wants more kids too.

we talked about adoption and i thought i was really up for it but my cousin who died recently of cancer has only made me want my own kid even more.  I am scared we will die and my daughter will have no one.

Sorry to go on but need to get it off my chest.  

Im trying a new acupuncturist tuesday, please pray it will work.

Also all my friends are having 2 or even 3 kids now - some both parents smoke but still so fertile.

I know i should be grateful as I had my daughter late in life.  I had her at 41, just 2 months shy of 42.  I am now 45 so i know my time is seriously running out.  My husband is 39.

Should i try OE IVF one more time?

Rant over - i really hope we get our miracles
x


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Before you try anything, naturally or ivf, have yourself tested for blood clotting, thyroid function and nk cells. Due to your age, could be chromosomal abnormality as well and that's only possible if you go through ivf and the blastocysts are tested. Gl!


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## TM88

All my bloods came back normal last year but yes will get retested.  need to book appointment with GP.  Wonder if they will give me the tests as last time they wouldn't refer to recurrent miscarriage clinic as i was "too old".

I will need to do AMH again 

do you know how i can change the signature bit ?


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## TM88

forgot to say my last miscarriage - was due to 3 chromosome 16s


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## HopefulKayte

Thanks Lilly, you are kind. I have to admit it's hard for me to come to terms that people don't care, or that they are too selfish to make time or energy beyond their own lives. I know everybody has their stresses and are busy, but it just hurts extra bc DH and I always try to be there for people no matter what is going on in our lives, and we've had a lot. Maybe the women here are a special collection of people due to how our heartstrings have been pulled and knowing what loneliness and despair feels like, and the silent struggle.

TM88, I'm sorry for your losses and how impossible it can seem to find a solution, especially when money is a factor. It is for us, too. It sounds to me like both you and your husband still long for a child, so I would take the path of least regret. Doing an OE IVF at 45, it would be very unlikely to become pregnant, but I would talk to your RE as every person is unique. Similar diagrams on this page (if you scroll down) were shown to me when I was struggling to deal with my egg quality (which was never good even in my early 30s.) http://www.advancedfertility.com/eggquantityquality.htm It shows how hard the search can be for that golden egg as we age. It sucks!

Would you welcome and love a child that wasn't of your OE? (It's OK if the answer is no or you're not ready to go there, that was me too for awhile, just asking.) I'm at the point after 5 failed IVF cycles trying for a sibling, that I just want my son to have a sibling and I would feel lucky for a DE cycle to work now seeing my history of miscarriage and BFNs since I was able to have my son (we also struggled with primary infertility.)

We put our names on lists for donated embryos, but those waits in Canada are years long, and we realized that doing a DE cycle in the Czech Republic was 1/4 the cost of a DE cycle here, even with our international travel, as well as private adoption here were that to work out, which is also a very lengthy wait. So that is our path, we're personally just at the point where the writing is on the wall with my OE and we don't want to waste any more time, we just want to expand our family and we know our little boy would love any baby that dropped out of the sky tomorrow, so that has helped us think about things from another perspective too.

Anyway, this is just where we're at, I understand every journey and thought process is unique. I too hope you have another miracle too and sending you strength!


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## joannajoanna

I've been away from this group for a long time, but I wanted to come in and say: Yes. I have accepted that I will have only one child, and made my peace with it. 

Do I feel sad? Yes, sometimes. But I'm ok with it. It no longer causes me pain. 

My son is rising 7, and only now am I ready to release the frosties we still have, and donate them for research. We logically decided some time ago not to keep trying just because we had them. The hormonal effects of our last round were almost unbearable, and we decided at that point it was enough. But emotionally it has been longer. 

I have focused on the things we are able to do because we have just one. We've had more adventures - we went abroad to live for a few months, which would have been way more complicated as a larger family. He and I go on adventures together - this summer the two of us went on a grand tour seeing friends and house-sitting for other friends. Again, I don't think it would have been nearly as likely with a second one. 

I try to focus on having a very fun, healthy relationship with him. I don't want it to be all-consuming, by any means, but I really try to give him quality, one-to-one experiences. 

And then we try to do lots of play-dates - and again, I see how much more flexible we can be having just the one, than some of my friends with two. We've been lucky in that the family of his best friend love having him around, and he has as much of a sibling relationship with his friend's younger sister as I think I could hope for with friends. 

My grief at only one was, I think, particularly pronounced on his behalf - about being alone (his cousins are all older), about not having nephews or nieces or all those other relationships. But I've also accepted that, and am encouraging him to develop activities and interests that will allow him to build his own strong communities as he gets older. 


I have taken small steps. The decision to have a Mirena birth control fitted was a big one, because it ruled out natural pregnancy, no matter how unlikely that was. I did it to control bad bleeding, and it was the right decision. But I delayed for a long time. 

For me the grief at not having a second was definitely greater than not being able to have a first - something that I don't think is talked about or acknowledged enough. But I have moved on, and am honestly able to be truly, deeply grateful for my son without trying to dream of an alternative future. I've never seen my family with one as in any way 'inadequate', but that's a different thing.

I know it's hard to believe ever making peace with it. But my experience is that it is possible - a mixture of time, conscious work (particularly conscious gratitude and deliberately doing things that one makes possible), and a gradual acceptance. 


We are about to call the clinic and release the embryos. I know it's right, and I hope that they make a tiny contribution to science, though the thought does still make me weep a little. I think we will also plant a tree, or something like that, but maybe in a forest we will never know about, so it's not a 'thing' that we cling to. 

Love to all of you going through this. xxx


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## mo89

Hi. I think I replied a while back. But just wanted to say, I know I will only have the one and completely fine with it. I was an only child and never wished for brothers and sisters. Always had lots of friends and cousins and 'cousins' (mum and dads close friends kids). I loved it. I think the journey I have come I am just soo happy to be even having my own baby so the thought of two does not bother me. I know everyone is different. I think I feel more like this because I am having a girl and always wanted a girl I could have a relationship like I have with my mum. I dont know. I know it is hard, I did initially want 3 children. But just so happy to be having one. I think de is a personally choice and If you are happy with it then go for it!! I also think if you are solely doing it just because you want your child to have a sibling please dont stress, some people are happy being an only! More attention from mummy and daddy 😁 good luck everyobe whatever you decide to do 💗


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## lollipops

Hello,
Wow this was an emotional thread to read through, huge huge hugs to all of you ladies   Gosh I can empathise and sympathise with most of you in some sort of way.
We are extremely fortunate to have our DD who is now 5 ( how did that happen) and getting her here was a struggle and took years.
After she was born we vowed to be happy with our lot, to not go through any form of treatment again, and for a long time that was the case. Our daughter seemed to enter the world in a fit of fury and was by no means an easy baby! She was force to be reckoned with as an under 1 , literally didn't eat properly, never slept and pretty much cried and screamed none stop   
She was a much more contented and happy toddler but even then we felt she was more than enough. She's now an amazingly unique and clever little school girl,who has confidence beyond her years and the ability to build friendships wherever she goes. Socially she's always been fantastic, from as soon as she could string some words together she was making friends. She's very popular and so I don't feel she is lonely.
However when she isn't surrounded by friends, she says she is lonely. She says she's bored. She says she wants a baby sibling like all her friends , in fact she's a little obsessed by babies, spends hours holding my friends baby, literally transfixed bless her   
It's been a hard decision to try again, we honestly feel like we used up our quota of luck getting our daughter and that we couldn't possibly be as lucky again. 
My AMH is worse than ever, a follicle scan showed 1 on each ovary.
We've been told basically that by trying again we are just "******* into the wind" but I feel I owe to my daughter to say we tried, I've explained to her in simple terms that mummy's tummy doesn't work properly and can't make babies like her friends mummy's can. In her 5 year old brain it's just a case of going to doctor and getting the broken tummy fixed, bless her. 
For me it's a case of guilt for not trying again, we toyed with the idea a year ago, even went to the clinic and got all the base line tests redone and when it came to signing the consents we backed out. We went on holiday instead and reminded ourselves how great our life is as the 3 musketeers and it truly is, we love our life, our freedom, how easy things are, how much cheaper things are to do with one child, how close she is to us.......
All huge massive positives to us and her
But it's just that 'but what if' isn't it..........
What if we tried again and it did work and she had a sibling and life was even more special? 
We know it's unlikely to work again, we are giving it 3 goes in total, We will have to close the book if they fail, and move on, and adjust to the idea that our life will always be the three of us. In a way we need the closure. And I need to be able to explain when she's older, that we tried, and we gave it our best shot. 


Whatever path this takes us down, we are blessed. We have one happy , healthy child, that's one more than some of my fellow Fertility Friends on here have, I won't ever take that for granted. But equally w eshouldnt feel guilty for trying for one more, it's a natural urge that for some can't be ignored. 


Love to all


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## Lilly08

@TM88 sorry for all you have been through. I agree with cosmopolitan4112008 about tests. 
I can relate to most of what you said. Having an only son, I always wondered what would happen if my husband and I died...I felt guilty before and had to deal with those feelings for quite a long time. However I realized that the best we can do is to give him all the love we have and make him grow up confident, protected and loved.  
I didn't lose hope of giving him a sibling. I think miracles happen.
And even If we don't succeed at the end, I know my son will be a happy boy and will grow up to be a strong and confident man.
xx


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## Lilly08

mo89 said:


> Hi. I think I replied a while back. But just wanted to say, I know I will only have the one and completely fine with it. I was an only child and never wished for brothers and sisters. Always had lots of friends and cousins and 'cousins' (mum and dads close friends kids). I loved it. I think the journey I have come I am just soo happy to be even having my own baby so the thought of two does not bother me. I know everyone is different. I think I feel more like this because I am having a girl and always wanted a girl I could have a relationship like I have with my mum. I dont know. I know it is hard, I did initially want 3 children. But just so happy to be having one. I think de is a personally choice and If you are happy with it then go for it!! I also think if you are solely doing it just because you want your child to have a sibling please dont stress, some people are happy being an only! More attention from mummy and daddy &#128513; good luck everyobe whatever you decide to do &#128151;


Loved this! It made me feel better and I'm sure @TM88 too.
You are totally right! 
And it's great to know it from someone who is an only child. My family is big, everyone has 3 children or more so there are no experiences like yours. Thank you for sharing it!
Congratulations on your baby girl!


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## Sienna77

Hi everyone, it’s wonderful to hear the positive stories & that people feel they have been able to move on. As much as I’ve been sitting back & reading the posts, I’ve not felt strong enough to respond. Our DD was a miracle, she’s now nearly 5. We’ve been through 7 further stim cycles & countless other operations & treatments & we were told to give up. That was a year ago & I still can’t move on. I’ve recently been put on anti-depressants & maybe I’ll start to be able to get on our lives & try and be happy. Of course I’m so incredibly grateful for our precious girl as I didn’t think we’d ever have her. But now I just feel so much guilt for her as she longs for a playmate & I feel I’m letting her down. I think often about whether I should leave my husband to set him free & he could meet someone else & give my daughter some siblings. But then I know that would make my DD sad we weren’t together. I don’t feel I can win. I know I just need time to grieve for the baby I can’t have & the sibling my DD would have. It gives me hope to read your positive stories xx


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## Lilly08

Hi @Sienna77.. sorry to know you are feeling down. At some point were were told to give up too so I know how that feels. I'm sure your little girl is so happy to have your love and your husband's. 
Children can adapt to everything so I'm sure that not having a sibling won't be a reason for her to be less happy.
My mother has been on anti depressants... I can imagine how you feel. I'm here if you need to talk..
Sending you the best vibes x


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## mo89

Hi sienna. Remember not everyone wants siblings. Even if they mention it. Im sure I mentioned it as a child, nut sooooo glad I haven't. I cant imagine my life any other way. I literally couldn't be closer to my mum n dad n think if I had siblings our relationship woumd be the same.


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## lemongrass

Hello ladies,

As lollipops has said, this is a really emotional thread and sending you all lots of  .  I just wanted to echo some of lilly's comments about "Children don't perceive things like adults...After a while he will forget about it... World is full of children who never had a brother or a sister and they grow up healthy and happy."  I am one of those children.  I remember asking my mum why I couldn't have a brother or a sister for a bit, and she was quite light-hearted about it ("oh, he or she would just break all your toys, and annoy you!")  I moved on pretty quickly.  Even if your child says they are lonely (which understandably makes you feel awful), they probably don't attach as much significance to that as you do as an adult; they don't perceive loneliness in the same way.  And it is unlikely that they are in fact lonely, especially if they regularly see lots of friends and have lots of attention from their parents or other carer.  Also, playing by yourself from time to time is no bad thing - it teaches self-reliance and encourages imagination.  I like to think that it did in my case.  And once kids get to a certain age (7ish onwards?), friends/peers assume so much importance, that he or she is probably not going to spend much time yearning the absence of a sibling.  As I recall, friends' younger siblings were cute, but their contributions usually peremptorily dismissed in games etc(!)  Plus we always made them play the boy or some sort of animal during role play  

I know not everyone responds to things the same way, but I honestly don't feel like I missed out not having a sibling.  Being an only child is just part of who I am.  So, try not to add guilt about your son / daughter to the equation here.  Yes, their life will be different without a sibling.  But it won't necessarily be worse.

Lots of love xxx


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## HopefulKayte

Just checking in to see if there is anyone currently struggling or wanting to chat about this. Sienna, if you're still reading, how are you doing?

I am really struggling with this. For me, I always dreamed of having a large family, and so did DH. Our have dedicated our careers to working with children. Plus, having battled infertility and lost pregnancies, it makes the longing stronger. I have one child who will be 5 in 2 months, via IVF. We have cycled off and on for about 4 years trying for a sibling. This includes a totally botched donor egg cycle, and then an early miscarriage from a donor cycle overseas this past week. I am so devastated. Our families and friends don't relate and don't seem to want to, so our whole marriage of IF has had extra challenges and loneliness. The donor pursuits we kept to ourselves.

I don't feel like I'm getting better or feeling okay about just accepting it. While it may be easier for some that only wanted one or enjoyed being an only child themselves, that's just not our experience or dreams. We especially feel the pressure and loneliness because we don't have strong family units, DS has asked for a sibling for 3 years, and none of his friends are onlies. I find it hard to get together with others and their children with my son, as I feel sad watching him play with their between 2-4 children, including babies, as he's always loved babies and is so compassionate and loving with them. I don't feel anyone reaches out to me, in person or via text, etc., even those who know we've lost babies. And I don't feel settled in social situations due to this, and also, never knowing what my son will say or do. I'm stuck between wanting him to socialize and have these experiences, and wanting to do what feels comfortable, safe and not on the verge of tears. 

I guess I have felt I can't be in control of other people, our family, their behavior, support, and so on, but I can be in control of these things myself and trying to have a loving family of my own, and someone there for DS now and in the future. I know I am blessed and we are already a family, but I still feel such huge loss and loneliness.


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## lollipops

Hey hopeful Kate, 




Just wanted to send some hugs, sounds like your really feeling a bit lost in it all and I'm sorry for that  


I can relate on some levels as I have a 5 year old daughter who's asked for a sibling since she was 3. Like your child, she's very good natured with babies, very aware she's an only child (thanks to starting school last year) and it does pull on our guilt ridden strings. 


However, I do see the perks massively to having an only child and in many respects me and my DH enjoy the ease of it. All of my friends have more than one child now and I often feel a little sorry for them when we meet up as my daughters so independent and no bother and they seem harassed by their babies and toddlers and often joke with me how they should have stuck with just the one     


But I can and do relate to what they are saying. 


I sit firmly on the fence with regards to the perks of siblings Vs being an only child. 


That said we are now having our first go at trying for a sibling for her, up until this summer we always said we wouldn't bother, didn't want to spoil our time with our daughter with treatment and that because we have such low odds of success it's better off leaving the door closed. 


For us I would say it's DD starting school and becoming more aware of families and how they are all different (this months cornerstone project at school has been about families so it's really kicked up a notch,,!!) the other day it was a "bring a sibling to school morning" which seemed to be unfair in my daughters eyes. I've always been honest with her, told her doctors had to help put her in my tummy, how my tummy doesn't work well and can't make babies like some mummy's tummy so can....etc etc 


But she's 5 and life is simple 'just go to hospital and get a baby from the mummy'    bless. She's also completely wrong about how life would be with a new baby in it and should one come along we realise that in many ways it will be hard for her (at least at first) 




So we are cautiously embarking on a cycle of IVF, but we've come to terms with the fact that we will give it up to 3 goes of IVF before closing the door firmly shut and moving forward knowing we at least tried. 


See that's what's always been hard for me, I've spent so long wanting a baby and on our 4th go it worked, a rocky pregnancy and utter relief when she was born safe and well. I found the whole experience nerve wrecking, I suffered greatly with anxiety all throughout my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it for a second. I look back and feel sad that it was so tainted. But I couldn't face telling my daughter In years to come that I was too scared to try again to give her a sibling, for us it's a case of being able to tell her we did try, and if it doesn't work hoping that's enough for her.




It's not easy to brave embarking on more treatment especially if it's not working / you've had losses. It takes enormous strength to continue onwards. 


I am with you on no one truly "getting it". The notion of "well you've got one so be happy with that" is pretty common I'm afraid. I had one person tell me to "not waste anymore money on something that isn't meant to be" 


People think they mean well but it doesn't always come across that way to is does it. 


You sound like you have such longing for more children. I have to admit, I'm far more relaxed about this IVF lark this time round, I wasted so much energy on my other cycles getting into an emotional state that I just cannot allow myself to get like that again. 


For us we have what we wanted, a healthy baby, she's a great kid and we love her dearly, if we are to blessed with another we see it as a huge bonus . We are very happy as a family of three in lots of ways. And I have to remind myself of that so as to cope better with the emotional drain of IVF . 


Anyway, regardless of how different or similar couple are when it comes to choosing to try again or not, we all have the same underlying feelings in common, we want our version of happiness and it's unfair that for some of us it comes with such a huge battle. I'm sending you love and understanding hugs


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## HopefulKayte

Lollipop, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to respond so beautifully. On such a lonely day filled with tears and appointments as we grieve this loss, it has been a beacon of support for me.

I want to wish you luck in your upcoming cycle. I admire your attitude and am sorry for the difficulties before having your daughter and in her pregnancy. You are brave and also seem to have framed the situation in a way to preserve health. (Although once we go ahead, it isn’t always so easy I have found, but I can admit I have taken this all really hard, and may have to do with coming to terms with my own childhood of longing and the attitudes of others around us towards our journey as they procreate no problem. Life isn’t fair and I am trying to reconcile it but can’t seem to get there.) I hope your sense of peace stays with you and I have my fingers crossed for you!

I also have to say as a teacher that I am shocked by the concept of “bring a sibling to school day”. Long ago we did away with specific events and invitations for mothers and fathers, as they are only inclusive and unpainful for those who fit into that picture, and it’s unfair for those who don’t or who have a different type of family or living situation, to live through them. The same with siblings. Whether families happily have one child, or whether they can’t have more or siblings have been lost, that concept seems inappropriate to me and isolating for those who don’t have a sibling. I know I can especially relate to this topic, but I would have contacted my child’s school if such a day was made an example of. Again you handled it more gracefully than I would have!

All the time, my son is surrounded by the reality of siblings, babies and so forth. This is simply life and reality. So I try to find examples of families like ours in books, on TV and such, but again it is hard to find. It has been hard for me to find people who had primary infertility, succeeded in having a child, and wanted a second but couldn’t have one. I was in an IF support group as I tried to have my son. We supported one another as we thankfully became pregnant and they have now all had more children. I was connected with two local women who had their child through donor eggs, they had been through so much. We all went for a second child at the same time (as teachers, the same month in the summer.) We all became pregnant, I lost the baby and theirs made it. I’m so happy for them, but so sad for myself. I also felt them distance from me, and me them, as they needed to focus on their own pregnancies and separate from my trauma. It works for them, but further devastated me. When I see their babies’ pictures, I’m reminded of how old mine could have been.

I have spoken to a fertility counsellor in the past and think it’s time to be in touch again. To be honest, the only thing helping me look ahead is thinking of trying again.

Thank you for reaching out.


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## lollipops

Hopefulkayt - I'm currently on my 2ww now as we speak    OTD xmas day     


Yes your so right, the sibling day wasn't the greatest idea school have ever had   and like you say it's hard to find similar one child families to use as comparisons for our little ones. I say all the usual things like "you'll have to share everything if you had a brother or sister, I wouldn't have as much time for you etc etc" but it's all a bit weak and far fetched and in my daughters eyes she wants to share her toys and have someone to play with. 


I totally get you needing to distance yourself from your friends who cycled at the same as you. You have to protect your own mental wellbeing especially given your loss     that must have been so very tough for you to go through. Naturally their baby pictures are going to hit a very raw nerve of what should have been    I'm so sorry for your loss   


Councilling is a great tool, I have found it a good outlet during hard times. We must do what we have to do to get through the pain   
What do you feel could be your next step? Time out? Try again? It's not easy at all......what makes it all the more frustrating is knowing your body has done it once, so why not again? I've got a terrible ovarian reserve, we only managed 4 eggs this cycle, only 3 fertilised , one abnormally which left two in the running... Due to my weakening egg quality both were put back on day two. But that's always been our problem, low reserve and egg quality and yet 6 years ago one of my poorest embryos to date resulted in my daughter. Why did such a poor embryo result in a baby yet when I first started IVF many moons ago the top quality embryos didn't work!? 


I find it all very fickle and it's hard to accept the lack of control we have in any of it. That's why this time I've took a massive step back from it and been sure to not let it consume me in such negative ways like it always has done. My anxiety just couldn't handle any more pressure I don't think ! 


Anyway , I'm sending you some hugs and well wishes. You've had a tough time trying to grow your family and it's made harder by feeling alone in your own thoughts and feelings


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## Lilly08

Hi ladies..! How have you been?
@lemongrass I couldn't agree more. Hope you are fine!
@lollipops crossing fingers for you! Best of luck!
@hopefulkayte sorry to know you are feeling down. I thought you were concerned only about your child being an only son. But I see now that it is also your dream of having a bigger family what's causing you this grief. I'm sorry for that. I can relate to it, I always thought I was going to have 5 children :S For me the only way to keep on going was surrogacy. I'm sure there must be a way for you to have the family you always wanted.
Sending you the best vibes to overcome these sad moments. I'm here if you need to chat.


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## HopefulKayte

Thank you so much girls xo It means so much to have a little place in the world where I can tell people and now there are some who really understand. It is such a lonely place when no friends or family relate or understand, and you make it so much better.

It has been a rough week and a half since the m/c. Some days feel a bit better and I focus on my son, then I think about Christmas and his birthday following, it's the 4th year of cycling and this past year donor cycling, where I've wondered if he would have a sibling or at least one growing inside me soon to come. 

Since I didn't do this overseas cycle through a local fertility clinic (I used the clinic overseas and my family doc here), I've spent the past week and a half waiting at general blood labs and at an ultrasound place used by people for many reasons but mainly "regular" pregnant people. I spent two hours one morning waiting for my turn and I watched so many very pregnant women and happy couples come in and out, get their ultrasound pictures, have loud happy conversations... I was the only person on my own, no one knew I was bleeding in the corner and trying to not have a total mental breakdown. The worst was a sibling waiting with her Dad for the mom to come out, then watching her come back out, share the pictures and explain it. I think I've cried so much that for some miraculous reason I was able not to cry until everything was finally done and I got into my car. 

My son started a new music class a couple weeks ago, and the experience started by a dad saying his little boy there was a big brother, the baby had been born that morning. Of course that is joyous news and deserves to be shared. I was pregnant in that moment, and so hopeful, I looked carefully at my son's face and to see his reaction. A week later I was sadly unable to go to music class with what was happening and my husband took him, and when he came home he said, "I'm so glad you didn't go. The new baby was there and sat in the circle the whole class." I asked what our son thought and how he reacted... he loves babies and children smaller than him so much. I was just picturing it all and dissolved into tears.

I know I will get through this and move forward. It's just overwhelming at times how much grief or loss you can be going through, and no one knows, even knows about this type of life some women live. I can't imagine being like these other women, and I wish I was. I also don't bebrudge them their happy times and news, I just sometimes feel like I'm dying inside to live through life beside them all.

I took this week off work as well, tapping into my short-term leave, as I would still have a bunch of appointments with long wait times and to take care of myself emotionally when I knew I needed it. I told my closest friend at work what happened (she has 3 kids she loves more than anything) and she is a compassionate person. A week ago she sent me a one-line text saying she was sorry and haven't heard anything since. I told my two teaching aides what happened and that I wouldn't be in; my perspective is they are annoyed and no one understands why I'm not at work. I just feel ashamed and so lonely in this reality. I now have 2 days where I have no appointments and wondered if I should go into work at least to say hi and before the holidays, but to be honest I feel so uncomfortable and perhaps unsupported it's another reason why I'm staying away and wanting a clean start in the New Year.

I know this message is depressing and right before Christmas, I've been holding it all in but today feeling a little desperate, I just needed a safe place to spill and feel like I wouldn't be judged or treated coldly. When that happens the trauma doubles. I know I have a beautiful boy to focus on and how blessed I am for him, but I still grieve these other losses and the path that led to them, and sometimes feel so alone.

Thanks for listening.
xo


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## Lilly08

@hopefulKayte, I'm so sorry for that! I felt you so much while reading your post!  
I think it's impossible not to feel sad in those situations.
Unfortunately people who haven't been through this can't relate. They usually show compassion or some kind of attention once or twice at the beginning. They don't know how long it is this journey. 
I had to face that myself. Some close friends couldn't understand why I was "emotional" so often. Or why I was "overreacting" to some situations. In general people can't stand others' grief for a long time. Unless they experienced it themselves.
I guess that's why we are all of us here. I find relief and acceptance and a space to let my thoughts and feelings get out. Not to mention your support, ladies.
I hope you always remember we are here. I will be happy to read you and send you some good vibes. 
You are not alone in this   
x


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## Heidi2

Hello Ladies, 
I hope it’s ok for me to jump into your thread... I have one DS who is 5. We spent 6years TTC and he was our 6th IVF and my third pregnancy. My husband had cancer at the time and ended up have treatment the cancer leaving him permanently Infertility (not that we were particularly fertile before the cancer!!). 

Anyway we had 6 Frosties from my sons successful cycle and being the eternal optimist I felt strongly if we mirrored the same immune meds we would be successful again. I thought with 6 Frosties I’d get a coupe of shots at least. We did the FET when
My son as toddler and to get x2 to ET We had 4 Frosties expire. The cycle was unsuccessful and we have no embryos left and no chance to make more of our own. I was utterly devastated. My hubby however felt great closure after such a long and emotional (and expensive) journey. 

It goes without saying we are utterly grateful for our healthy happy confident little chap. But I still struggle with acceptance. My hubby just says he’s thankful for the son he thought he’d never have but I still find it hard to take, it seems that every other family I know have the multiple children they want and I feel cheated. I think it’s hard when the one child family is not all that common. My son also adores babies and asks for one to. I explain daddy had cancer so we can’t try and grow another baby. I tell him How special he is to us and how wanted and loved he is. 

However trying to spin us a positive vibe on here for us ladies... I have to say I do wonder if he’d like them so much if it was a perminant fixture. As nearly all My other mummy friends spend their whole lives separating sibling fights (and moan like hell about it!) . We have a very peaceful and harmonious existence. My DS shares well and it very sociable. He gets lots of input (something that his friends of multiple siblings don’t get that much of). We have lots of play dates and holidays with friends and despite asking now and again for a brother seems much happier than many of his multi sibling friends who whine and cry a lot. 

I’d love to say I’m fully accepting of our situation but I really am still on route to be there (I hope!!) . But doing much better than a few years back when I was tearful and bitter and used to cross the road to avoid pregnant women and had to cover up my devastation and each of my Mummy friends had baby no 2 and 3. We have great oversea holiday and are easy house guests with just us three so get lots of exciting trips away.

Every six months or so my DH and I sit down and re discuss donor cycles or adoption but I have lots of worries about the dynamics that it might create (with one biological and one non biological child) in what is a harmonious unit. I worry that I might spoil what is good about our small family. I wish I could just be 100% accepting leaving me free to just enjoy completely what we have. Maybe I will with just a little more time... Or maybe we’ll end up persuing another option? We’re gettkng pretty old now tho (40 &53).

Meanwhile I focus on the positive we have as a family of 3, and try really hard not to keep dwelling on the negatives (or perceived negatives). This year I don’t want to be held back any more about the wishing for what can’t be for us. 

Wow lol go rant sorry ladies. But nice to connect to others in similar situations as your so right those who haven’t experience infertility just haven’t got a clue!! 
Xx


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## claire145

I just want to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts and feelings on this difficult subject. I am in the same boat, our 3rd FET  since our DS was born almost 3 years ago, having just failed.  During that time I also suffered 2 ectopics from my only spontaneous pregnancies, resulting in the loss of both tubes. They were damaged anyway hence the ectopics. 

I decided when we had our DS, the result of our 4th cycle of IVF, that if we did ever try for another, I wouldn't put myself through another fresh cycle. We had a mixture of 9 embryos and blasts frozen left to use. We now have just 3 blasts left, and trying to come to terms with the fact that my DS will be an only.  

It's so hard to explain the heartache I feel, grieving for a total of 5 MCs, and 2 failed cycles, the loss of any glimmer of hope of a 'miracle' spontaneous pregnancy and the frustration at how much money we have spent on these cycles, whilst I feel equally lucky to have our DS, having previously had the fear of never knowing the privilege and blessing it is to be a parent.

I know everyone here has been through the same feelings, and I have little to add, except to say thank you for sharing. For the first time I am feeling ready to begin accepting that our DS will be our only. But what a special only he is. An absolute delight. Sweet, funny, intelligent and loving. How lucky are We? 

Lots of love xxx


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## HopefulKayte

Heidi and Claire, thank you so much for sharing your stories. It's astounding to read what other women and families have walked through. So much pain, struggle and heartache. My heart goes out to both of you.

I have to admit, I'm no further along than I was before. This week my son (5) asked when another kid was going to come and live at our house. He also watched a movie with a cute little toddler and said he wished he could be his brother. I don't even have the emotional wherewithal to handle it. I actually leave the room and cry. Either DH says something or we just let our son's comment stand alone and he continues along with whatever he's doing.

I haven't felt able to tell him he might be an only child. We're still trying (now onto donor cycles) but I also don't tell him it might happen. 

We haven't had any real form of support over the past decade, trying to have him and then a sibling (emotional or financial) from our families, who are capable of much more, and this has also deeply impacted me in this journey. A support system, feeling safe and like these struggles are worthy of love and assistance, I have never really felt that way. Our family members are obsessed with their own kids and grandkids, but avoid attempts to help us get through tough times, holidays, losses, etc. And I don't feel capable of facilitating this for them. I feel like this furthers my drive to give him a sibling. If I felt closer right now to siblings and in-laws, then I might feel more willing to ensure he has a very close relationship with cousins than trying so hard to give him his own sibling. But it's so hard when they know how much I hurt and I feel like a ghost around them. And it kills me to watch the years go by and the children added, the photos of his cousins with siblings on their laps and he's still by himself, wondering where his is.

He's also not as into "typical" boy things and very into nurturing his stuffies, or a realistic bath doll that looks like a baby boy. He even feeds them, bathes them, puts them to bed each night... has for years now. I fear he really is lonely, despite all the love we give him, now being in kindergarten, taking lessons, etc. I'm finding it hard to work out playdates too. I've pulled away from playdates where there will be a baby or toddler in the house, especially if those friends have taken the same path as our families following our losses, etc. I know most kids having siblings is life, it's reality, but sometimes my son's interest and longing just make me feel so emotional in public and I worry about him feeling more sad about it all. 

His only friend that was his age and didn't have a sibling - they just had a baby last month. I feel so bad, but I haven't felt able to go and meet the baby yet. They live on our street and were close friends for a long time, close enough to share about our infertility, first m/c, being in hospital, etc. but they totally avoided us and never asked how they could help, if they could take in our son, or how we were doing. We were very supportive of them in times of bereavement and job stress. I left a gift on their porch but how do I celebrate the birth of their baby if they ignore the death of mine? I didn't even tell my son that his friend was getting a sibling or that the baby was born. I know that will really rock him and make him realize he is now officially the only, only child of anyone in his life. 

I don't avoid all siblings and babies, to be clear. If I'm comfortable around the grownups involved and they've been responsive or caring towards what we've shared, it doesn't feel like as much as an issue. Then I'm so much more comfortable and feel less social anxiety if I cry or my son says something. Those are the playdates I usually try to set up as they feel safer for everyone.

A history of primary and secondary infertility, and m/c through years of treatment, it is a lot. I thought primary infertility was so horrifyingly frightening and as I watched the world move on around me, I feared not knowing if my journey would change. This is different. I'm so grateful, I'm a parent, and others are still on the road. But the sadness I feel about our losses and the lengths to which we're trying, I feel a different sense of despair because I'm doing it for my son. It's his greatest wish. And I feel such disappointment in how society and our family has handled our struggles, that I feel like I need to make sure he has his own family and someone his age, or close to his age, that we can raise up together to be empathetic and unconditionally supportive and loving people.

I know this isnt the sunshiney and gratitude-filled post it could be, but I can only be honest - I feel like it's getting harder for me, not easier. I need to be healthy and happy for my son - and I do pour everything I can into him, maybe even a little extra because I feel guilty and we are his playmates, or his toys. But I also feel lots of grief, loneliness, isolation, and even a lot of the time... invisibility. I know people don't want to upset us, but they must know how hard so much is for us and him, and it's hard just to suck it all up and smile.


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## Opossum

I found secondary infertility WAY harder than primary, its something most people not in it dont/cant understand.

I was primary for 3 years and secondary for 9 (with a MMC at the 6 year point, I introverted at that point and withdrew from the world).

I could see how people put self preservation first with primary (I had low points, mainly on the first day of each AF and few days after but I would drink my way through those sad days and I could just distract the rest of the month by going out with my child free friends, going to gigs, having dinner parties etc...) 

but secondary didn't have that luxury at all and I cant do any of those things that helped me cope with primary any more, I had to take my DS to school and see all the siblings/pregnant moms, go to all the baby/child based places/events, be constantly asked about siblings by strangers and even your own child etc... its not something you can hide from or forget, you drown in a world your half trapped in

you cant go on luxury adult only holidays if it gets to hard, you cant get drunk when your feeling down (because you have a small child to watch), you cant just latch onto the child free society who wont quiz you constantly etc... + the world isn't set up for 1 child families, so many times I have told my DS we cant do something because he needs a 'sibling' to partner with or there was no single child ticket options, the world is pretty cruel.

now that I have come out the other end a weight has lifted, we will still try for more as I would love a big family (which would come with its own issues if we are that lucky) but with 2 all those stresses the world put on you magically stop.


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