# Thinking about adoption after failed ivf



## LyndseyM (Jun 23, 2014)

DH and I have been trying for five years, and undergone IVF with my eggs and donor eggs with no success. We have a FET left but need a laparoscopy first of which we are saving but can't really afford. The road has been so painful that we are now thinking about adoption.

We did some readers here online, the approval process seems to be 6 months long.....but to actual become a family can take years I've read. 

We've contacted four adoption agencies, 3 county councils nearby and a voluntary one. I'm awaiting information packs and phone calls from them, then I suppose we will go from there.

Has anyone got any advice or had failed ivf then adopted? DH and I feel anxious and worried. If a SW knows we have a frozen embryo left would that hinder our chances of being approved? Would they think I've not given up on ivf so not committed to adoption? I've also two dogs, one of who gets very noisy and barks when anyone new comes into the house. I know it's silly but I worry this would be another's reason we wouldn't get approved: for having a 'dangerous' dog. She isn't dangerous, she is actually old now god bless her but she's is just noisy. I worry a SW would think a child couldn't be placed with my dogs.

I've read about fostering, we don't feel it's for us. In all honesty I couldn't hand a child back. There was concurrent placements for babies but it wasn't adoption, it was more fostering with a chance of adoption. We want a young baby but it seems adoption is more for older children above 2 years old. It is selfish of us to want a baby? 

Lot of info to take in. Feel anxious, worried and plain old scared.

Xx


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## cokes (Nov 11, 2008)

Hi, just felt I wanted to reply to you.. after 3 faoled ivf attempts and one miscarriage, we waited about 5 years before we started the adoption route. Im not sure on your situation with the FET, but we had to say that we was pretty much done with ivf, and had had enough time to come to terms with it etc.
As for dogs we had two Staffordshire bull terriers at the time we was having home visits one was very vocal, our social worker was great and we had to do a pet questionnaire and she also brought another social worker with her to see how they reacted to strangers, we had to leave toys around the house to make sure they didn't go picking them up or snatched, all in all was pretty good!!
Unfortunately we no longer have both dogs as have died, but as we knew the loved our little boy as he did them!
Try not to worry I was the same about our dogs,but it was fine!
Our adoption journey took ard 14 months from first visit to being a family, we are  now doing it again and hoping to get thumbs up Next week for a.. a pink!!!! Taken 4 months.
My advice wd be don't wait, go with you heart x


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## ellemay32 (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi lynsey we had ivf and lost a baby late in pregnancy for our council they like at least 6months post ivf in order for you to come to terms with your decision it wasnt a prob for us cos it was a yr after we lost our baby and i needed the time to grieve anyway.  
We also have two extremely noisy dogs if anyone new in house they go mental cos they are so excited but they calm down after a while, they are 10 and not used to children even tho i did try and socialise them everywhere. Sw didnt find it a prob told them they have no history of aggression etc and they were happy with that. All we had to do for the adoption was fill in a dog questionaire. I mean most people with dogs are very sensible and would never leave a child alone with their dog anyway.  Our boy was 2.5yrs when he came to us and he has been with us 8months. Even tho there are babies in the system dont be put off by an older child. We have had some amazing firsts like meeting santa and cos he was older he understood and really believed that was priceless. First day at nursery. He had his 3rd birthday soon after he was placed all the family came and it was great. He is super intelligent, in mainstream school doing really well and settled great. He is still very much like a baby and really only coming into his own. He loves cwtches like a baby and lullabys. Tbh its the best age to adopt no sleepless nights or ****ty nappies but still do relative baby things. We get a normal night sleep then have loads of energy for fun. He can tell us how he feels and comes out with the funniest comments. Hes such a gem to love and care for even tho we may have a tantrum now and again. Plus all that guff about older children take longer to bond, our boy cant remember any of his past and has bonded with us immediately. If it wasnt for the sw coming we forget hes adopted hes molded into us and us into him. 
It is a big step and takes ages we started the process 2015 and now awaiting court for adoption order, but we couldnt be happier cos now we are a family and sw are now trying to get us to do it again lol xxx
good luck with everything xx


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

hello,

sounds like you've had a tough journey  

We did 5 rounds of IVF which were unsuccessful.  I was really against adoption because I wanted so much to procreate.  For a while we picked the childless route, but the feelings of wanting a child never went away (I had thought they would).  So we went to an open evening about adoption in December 2014 and started stage one in Spring 2015.  We were approved as adopter in August 2017 and have recently been matched with a baby boy - we meet him next week!!  

It is a long process yes, although there are things you can do to speed it up, such as making sure you have plenty of experience of small children. Our LA were big on that and my DH and I both had to do volunteering at kids groups.  I resented this a lot at the time but now I think it was very good experience.  

You will need to demonstrate that you have got past the infertility and treatment and have a committed attitude to adoption. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be 'over it'. I think there's a lingering sadness for a lot of people on that front, there certainly is for me.

They will do an assessment on your pets. They are looking for aggression with pets - so can you take the food away without the dog getting upset etc., that type of thing.    

Good luck! Feel free to ask questions

Cazne xx


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## cokes (Nov 11, 2008)

Hi, after 3 failed IVF attempts at a miscarriage we went down the adoption route. We had two Staffordshire bull terriers one being very vocal, our SW was great and had to do a dog questionnaire and they hadn't really been socialised around children, but you know your own dogs.
Our first adoption took around 14 month, 4 years ago,a little boy who was 8 months when placed, and our second adoption has taken 6 months with a little girl who will be 11 months when placed.
Matching panel is Wednesday and hopefully inductions starting 19th... 
Go for it, it's the most rewarding thing you will ever do,our son is the best ever and now a daughter, I feel blessed to be given these children to love. Dreams do come true 16 years later. Good luck x


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## sunshine2017 (Oct 17, 2016)

Yes we have been thinking about it a few years. 2 years ago we went to the social worker and out of nowhere a buyer came for our flat and we moved far away so we stopped the adoption process. when we finally found a house and settled in ( a year), we went in december 2016 to social worker in our new town..small town..she was very supportive. I broke down infront of her and started crying. It was so emberassing, but she was realy nice to me and she said there is hope, but i decided that i am not ready after all to continue from failed ivf to adoption. so we are now 5 months from that time and i was doing realy great. feeling positive when suddenly i felt ovulation for the first time in my life and we had action and realy crossed my fingers, but it was a negative. that stroke me sooooo bad that i i was going totaly nuts. i could not work, could not think. its awfull. i am fed up with it all. 

so we wanted, i am repeating wanted to adopt from korea, but we got 3 negatives from adoption agencies from korea, saying there is no contract between our and their country...so when looking other countries it seem the same problem. than we looked at how much money they want us to earn and we did not know should we start crying or  laughing. we dont have superb salaries here. most of us have around 600 to 900 eur per month. thirdly we found out we would have to take bank credit in order to adopt, cause the adoption can be anywhere from 10.000 eur to 50.000 eur. Again, unreachable. we just gor credit to fix our house to the end. we will be paying loan for 5 years. right now i am 34, so when i am 39 years old we will be able to take another loan for the child? 

Unless you have such a big salary or your darling men earns realy realy good, its impossible to adopt overseas. We have no children to adopt in our country, so we have to adopt overseas.

Today i had a nerves break down when i added all this information together and i found out there is no chance for me to ever become a mother, unless a MIRACLE happens, which has not been happening the past 7 years and a half. 

I am deeply sad and I am thinking of building a small oltar for my never get to know baby soul. I need refugee or i will realy get crazy. 

I cant talk to my mom, she still thinks there are chances and she just cant face the truth. ALL my friends have babies and pregnant with the second- they do  not have the slightest idea of how heartbroken i am. Not even my guy, which i love so much, has any clue how i feel. He sees me and he hugs me, but does not understand we will NEVER be parents. I think that when he fully realizes he will leave me for another anyway, so at least i can enjoy till he is with me, i suppose. He did say he will not leave me even if could not have kids, but saying is one thing, living is another. he is younger and i know how much he loves kids. i cant honestly expect he will not have his own, just because i am the problem or whatever the problem is ( i am not sure what is the main reason, we fixed all that we knew). 

My horrible video in my mind tells me i will be left alone and childless and that is how i will live till i die. How can you hope when there is no hope? When all the information i got i anaylzed to peaces and there just is not a chance to ever get a child....well there is a small chance...we will put ourselfes on the list of couples waiting for adoption from our country...there i about 550 couples before us, but HEY you never know right? and if we do not do that, i will not feel like we have done all we could. 

I would suggest you take some time before you decide...adoption is another project like ivf or like building a house.

**** HAPPENS TO THE ONES WHO ARE GOOD AND WISH IT THE MOST!


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## Jalops (Feb 28, 2012)

Hiya, 
I thought you might like to know our story on Adoption after year of failed IVF. 
Having gone through 6 failed IVF rounds - OE and DE we decided to go forward with the Adoption process in early 2014 (following a 6 month wait after our last BFN) panel booked for Oct 2014. 
Stage 1 was great, our three day work shop, loved it and felt excited and emotionally ready. We entered into the first number of sessions of stage 2 around Aug 14 and the pressure for me starts to mount and the process becomes intense and suddenly talk of failed IVF, realisation of giving up on having a birth child suddenly takes its emotional toll and I dive bomb and I realised  I simply wasn't ready. My husband was totally ready to adopt - I was not. We had hit a brick wall. 

Our agency at the time put a stop to the whole process and we ended our journey - with great sadness, quite a bit of anger on my husbands part  huge emotional trauma we stopped. 

So fast forward to October 2014 - decided to give DE one final go with a new clinic - I put everything into this final round and we cycled in Jan 2015 - I am delighted to say we were gifted with our miracle and she was born in Oct 2015. 

We are now trying for a sibling - through adoption. We have been completely open with our agency from the start and we are also discussing Foresting. 

The point I am making is, the process is gruelling and you need to be prepared for an emotional roller coster. that it will bring, if you are not at the end of your IVF journey.  This time however I am 100% on the same path as my husband. We have completed the harsh IVF journey following the birth of our daughter and we are now ready for a new path, the only difference now we are both committed. My girl was a gift from a double donor, so for adoption is very much the same us - a gift - just without the labour.


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