# Feeling lost



## Larry the Lamb (Jul 25, 2011)

I am new to this but feel the need to vent. This whole process is so frustrating and I feel that there are obstacles at every turn, even though we haven't even got to the point of treatment yet (although it feels like we never will). I'm over 45 so not many clinics will treat me, so we ended up on the list at the Lister. Currently at the top of the list, so need blood tests doing (within 3 months of treatment, so couldn't be done too soon). Blaming my self for not chasing things up, but did a monitored cycle which was fine, then contacted donation team to say everything OK and ready to start the process. As I knew about the 3 month window for tests and I asked for a timescale. No reply so I e-mailed again a few days later, still no reply. Followed it up a few weeks later, no reply except an out of office from one of the recipients. Still had heard nothing after 2 months so contacted again to find that they had either ignored or deleted my e-mails. I don't understand why the monitored cycle nurse could not just speak to the egg donation team and how could they ignore or delete so many messages from me.

Anyway was advised to get blood tests done so went to local GP (we don't live near London). I had all my other tests done (or so I thought), but went through the list anyway with the nurse to find that one of them was a urine test and I definitely hadn't had one of those, so have now done that too. Also had to have breast exam which I had with GP, who was very nice and supportive and dictated a letter to go to the clinic which I understood I was to collect from the surgery and send off. Went back the other day to collect to find said doctor has left the surgery (no mention when I saw her) and the letter has been mailed, so now have to chase that up with the clinic and I don't have any confidence that it will get there anyway.

To cap it all I sent my long suffering husband to make an appointment for his blood tests and a semen analysis. He went to the surgery and they issued him with the kit and instructions. On reading these we realised that they were from the local NHS fertility clinic, so he contacted them to enquire and found that they will not do an analysis without a GP referral. So he mad a telephone appointment to get a referral. which was Friday last week. I asked him to contact the clinic yesterday to ensure that they had an instruction, and they don't have it yet. He contacted the GP surgery and they haven't processed the paperwork! So frustrating and I am blaming myself for not reading the list of tests correctly as the analysis only has to be within 12 months so could have been sorted a while ago. I know we are too old to merit any treatment from the NHS, but we still need them and how long does it take to finalise an appointment by dictating a short letter.

I just feel that we are getting nowhere with all this, even at this early stage, what with errors and inefficiencies. The worst thing is that I am already 48 and no UK clinic will treat someone over 50. The 3 month window started when I had my blood tests done, so if that ends before treatment then we have to go through the whole pantomime again. The clinic will not start the matching process until all tests are in place, but we do have the choice whether to go ahead with any particular donor, but I will feel that we don't really have a choice but to go with the first one offered just so that the process keeps moving and we get a chance of a positive result.

This is all adding to the stress of whether or not to tell family and friends if everything goes right for us. I haven't told anyone other than healthcare professionals so far, as I don't want to go through telling people and then for there have been no need to tell.

Sorry this is a bit rambling but I don't have anyone else to talk to at the moment and my husband must be fed up with listening to me.

I blame myself for not pursuing things sooner. I am the type of person who hates making decisions in case they are wrong, and this is a very big decision, so maybe I subconsciously want to put it off. But if we don't at least try, I would always be wondering what if?


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## Dee55 (May 3, 2013)

Dear Larry the Lamb,

Vent away, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like every time I jump a hurdle there is another harder one to jump.

Please don't be too hard on yourself you have done everything you could do and will get there eventually  

This really is a waiting game to get to what you want with obstacles in the way. 

Stay strong and positive.


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi LTL,  I feel for you but try to stay calm and positive, your emotions are going to be high because you are getting so near to starting the treatment. It is frustrating when you feel other people are holding you up but you will get there.


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## vaninort (Nov 6, 2013)

Hi Larry Lamb
Although a little younger, at 42 I feel the same as you. All my friends are in their 30's and its quite a lonely road when you can feel fertility slipping through your fingers every month that goes by.

It sounds like you have got caught up in a NHS Merry Go Round and you need to get off it. Sadly, you do need to be VERY proactive and pushy, on the phone every day, emails all day long to get the answers you need. No one really cares, you are just a name on a spreadsheet so you have to shout loud to be heard - they won't do it for you. If you have the money, go private, you get a much faster response and people will see you immediately.

Good luck xxxx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Try https://www.tdlpathology.com you can get most tests done there and pay for them yourself. You will need GP to sign the form but providing you tick the box to say you are paying, on the request form then most GPs will not object to signing it for you.
Good luck but seriously consider going abroad. No ageism and cheaper!
TC x


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Agree with the other girls, this is just one hurdle after another and you really do have to keep on top of things yourself, which you are doing so don't be hard on yourself. 

Just wanted to add that when it comes to donor, don't feel you have to go with first one available, better to get proven donor, and I don't mean one who has own family, I mean one who has donated successfully at a clinic, ie there has been a baby born as a result of her donation.  For my first 2 maybe 3 cycles I had a donor who had kids but not proven donation with clinic.  I didn't get success with proven donor but I had other issues.  Just saying this as I know what it's like to want to keep things moving and despite being 17 attempts in I've made what I now consider mistakes by jumping too soon into treatment.

Go easy on yourself honey.  Hopefully you'll get there  
De x


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## Miss pooh (May 26, 2013)

Hi Larry, 

Just wanted to say you are so not alone when it comes to being let down by gPs when it comes to referral process and testing. I don't think I have seen two stories on this subject over the last couple of years that are the same, which tells us that there doesn't appear to be any logical process that surgeries use. 

Between our GP, turning out to be a long term loan locum ( and ******* off in the middle of all out initial tests), the surgery having 2 week long waiting list for blood tests ( for me who has irregular periods which made day 3& 21 bloods impossible and 3 months to actually get done), to a doctor telling my husband "yes the ultrasound is back, I have no idea what any of that means though".....helpful thanks doc, to not being able to tell us any results without a bloody appointment which took ages to sort,we had our fair share of total incompetence and insensitivity throughout this whole process. 

I was never so glad to get referred through so we didn't need to deal with them any more. 

On the flip side though, turned out all the tests that GP requested were over and above what was considered thorough, so they did save us some time....but was too much stress and heartache overall.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi

Though that I would just reply quickly and say that I can empathise with your plight, but unfortunately, fertility mtter son the NHS are painfully slow. If I had continued to wait for all of my tests I would have only just got one o them this month, when I will be 20 months pregnant! It was literally over  year and that for some areas isnot the worst wait I have heard of!

Likewise, the NHS does not HAVE to give you these tests as they know that you do not meet the NHS criteria for treatment etc. 

So for me it is a weigh up between paying and getting these done ASAP or waiting, stressing and getting them for free.

I will say that most of the STDs you could get done via a sexual health clinic and as long as you ask for a letter stating the results this is fine and usually only take days at worst.

Alternatively, most private clinics close to you will do the tests. I did a mixture of having a really helpful GP do some for me - that she could justify, some via STD clinic and some privately. 

Good luck.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Larry, what a nightmare! I know it's not for everyone but I would seriously look abroad. I agree with the others that there is no point trying to get anything done on the NHS, banging your head against that wall will just delay your access to treatment. 

I had DE at FIV-Marbella in Spain & it was so easy and straightforward compared to OE treatment locally in the UK and cost about the same after factoring in travel/accommodation etc. They did any outstanding blood tests there plus a scan at our preliminary appointment and froze the sperm after analysis and washing then. I was matched to a donor in about a month. 

Hope you get there eventually whatever path you take.

Stay strong,

B xxx

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