# Negativity!!!



## JoJoSa3 (Sep 23, 2006)

Hi all,

Me and DH are in the middle of our HS, and are actually quite enjoying the process (I know, we are weird!).  Don't get me wrong, we found the prep course and the HS so far challenging but nothing that's made us want to run for the hills.

However, I was having a poke around some adoption support message boards (not this one!) and they are sooooo negative!  Honestly, I'd be forgiven for thinking that you'd have to be certifiably bonkers to even think about adopting a child/children.  The impression is that it's problem after problem after problem, with adoptive parents being totally stressed out and the majority of the kids with serious behaviour problems on a day in, day out basis.  Now, our SW's have been great, telling us about the range of issues we need to consider and 'worst case' scenarios, so I felt that we had a relatively good idea of what to expect.  But, my God  , those message boards left me wondering if there was any glimmer of joy or happiness, or if the majority of adoptions actually turn out to be much harder than expected.

I know parenting is hard work, and totally expect that, but surely being a forever Mum and Dad isn't THAT bad?  Please, tell me honestly, in your experiences, what makes being a forever Mum and Dad great?  Help me to balance out what I've been reading as I just CAN'T beleive that the picture is that bad!!

JJ


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hun only got a mo as littlies are stirring in their beds, but i think we all know which board you are prob talking about lol..i dont read there at all any more as its sooo depressing..there are clearly a lot of people out there with children who have issues, some very bad but there are plenty of people who are having good experiences, they just arent posting about it (except on here which is a very positive place indeed )
who knows whats in store for any of us further down the line but so far for us we are like any other mummy and daddy, our children are beautiful, funny, loving little people who give back as much love as we give them, its very rewarding..hard work in the early days, but the best job in the world at the moment..its uncanny how like dh and I they are in many subtle funny little ways, i know they pick up things but some things are just fate.. and  even their sw thinks she was meant be their sw as their DOB's dates fitted with her family..and our own sw had her baby yesterday, the date we legally adoped DS!! You and your dh will know what sort of children you can support... be true to that and you will get placed with the right child/children for you 

keep positive hun
kj x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi

I have adopted 2 children one age 9 months who is now a very happy 4 year old and one 11months who is now a 2 year old bundle of fun. Being a mummy is hard work but no different to all my other mummy friends most of whom have birth children. i do read other boards but just don't post.

Good Luck on becoming a forever mummy and daddy, it is fantastic.

PBMx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

I know what boards you mean too- i dont read them

I think that people use the boards to sound off and get support fior things that are going wrong and those of us who are just "sailing along as any other family" (birth or adopted) dont post as we are just getting on with things, plus wouldnt want to "brag" how well our children are doing ect without seeming like its "oh well ours are good and your having all these probs" like KJ says who knows what the furture holds for us all (hope this makes sense- its like if you get bad service from somewhere we tell everyone where as we dont go on about good experiances)

We really enjoyed HS too- a sort of therapy!

xxx


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## JoJoSa3 (Sep 23, 2006)

Hi all,
Thanks so much for the replies! I'm normally a _really _ positive person, to the point of annoying my DH, but those boards were awful! I really thought hard about this today, and I've come to the conclusion that whether it's birth children or adopted, you can never know how it's going to work out, all you can do is your very best. Our adopted littlies will maybe need that bit more, but isn't that what makes the relationship so special?

I think that I won't be going near those message boards again! And I think you are all completely right, the people who are fine probably don't need to use those boards and so there is a skewed picture of what adoption is like. I'm keeping my positive hat on!

Keemjay - I think I remember reading posts about the problems you had, so happy for you that it's all turned out so well, and congratulations on your legal adoption of your DS!

JJ


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi

Yeah, I know exactly the boards you mean too!  When we were at your stage, my DH used the parental controls to block access to that site because I was getting in such a state about it all!  Now I read but don't post.  

BX


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I think we have all read and been put off by those boards at some point, I occassionally read them but don't post and would advise anyone thinking about or starting out to avoid them!

We enjoyed HS, didn't find any of it intrusive, we were doing something very positive to help us get our family.  

Our son was placed last June and though we have had some hard times, terrible 2s and very willful, we live a very normal family life and we love him to bits.  Things have been so positive we are already planning on going again at the end of this year, as soon as we are allowed!

Good luck
OT x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

JJ,

So glad you asked this question as I know what message boards you're on about and they scared the life out of me when we were investigating adoption 3 years ago! My DH has banned me from signing up for, or reading, those message boards ever again in case it has me running for the hills again  

Boggy - you've given my DH ideas now - I can see him blocking the site so I don't get tempted to look at it for research purposes!

It's so good to read the positive things on these boards to show that there are plenty of positive/happy stories.

CG xxxx


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## Diz74 (Jan 1, 2007)

I also know which boards you mean.  I have to say though that I do still go on them as you can get a lot of good advice but just be wary of which things you read.  Also, the more you go on the more you realise it is always the same group of people posting the negative posts all the time.  I have even spoken to my SW about this and she gets fuming when I mention some of the posts on there and says it's more than likely that the ones who are so negative have had bad experiences and not had the support they need and wee maybe matched with children beyond their capabilities.

HTH


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

I'd like to add my bit. Our BBB has been with us for coming up to a year now and it has been nothing but POSITIVE!!!! 

HOpe you can stay positive too JJ and that all works out well for you 

HHH


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I would like to add to what MJ has said, I think people myself included tend to post on the other boards when we need support.  I only joined the other site when we were going through a difficult period.  I think a lot of the people who post regularly on the site have children with difficult issues and need the site for support in the same way as the people on this site support each other.

I posted on another thread that I think adoptive parenting is like any other parenting as it comes with the good (lots of kisses and cuddles  ) and the bad (two year old tantrums and the occasional vomit  ).  None of us can predict what our children will be (although DH had footballing plans when DS turned out to be a "leftie").  Adoptive parenting is the experience that you make it to be.  If you are positive the experience will be positive.  Our DS has "issues" from his early life experiences and our DD is a typical wilful toddler but having been a Mum now for 4 years I would much rather be with my family than without them.

Glad you are enjoying the HS, keep positive.

Cindy


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hello ladies i think i know which boards you are onabout, and it is a very scary board to read   
But thats al i have to say is my experience of adopting my son the best decision i have made in my entire life , please dont let these stories scare you off x x x

ps sorry this post is late lol only just found it while browsing


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