# Adoptive parents - things you wish you had done before links took off!



## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Hi all  

I am aware there are a number of ladies and gents on these boards approved and waiting to hear of profiles and links. One thing you come used to on planet adoption is waiting. Whilst I and my other fellow limbo landers are finding things to keep us busy, some advice on things to do before linking from our experienced FF would be greatly appreciated and would help us stay sane waiting. It might also help those waiting in various stages of the process. 

Thanks in advance xxxx


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

I wish I'd taken more time to get to the gym and build some arm and leg muscles 😃 I found it extremely tiring carrying around a 10k 8 month old. It would have been great to have built some muscles to prepare myself!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

I'm going to throw it out there an say be as "intimate" as you can cos when little onees in the house goodbye grown up time!! X


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## tigerbabe (May 26, 2011)

Sleep more !! Take as many date nights and holidays before you have a family for couple time


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

I have a few...

....I wish we had gone on holiday because it wont happen for a long time now!
....I wish we had done more gardening and decorating
....I wish we had had more...yes sex before they moved in...but there are ways...sorry if tmi
....I wish I had laid some ground rules down with family and friends to NEVER EVER step in and parent my children, omg drove me insane!
Other than that I would say not much. Its brilliant and I love them so all is good and worth it.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I second all these points, but particularly Frangi's last one.

We thought we'd made it pretty clear to family that they couldn't do certain things in the early stages, but either they just ignored it all or I hadn't been as forthright as I thought. My advice would be to have a proper sit down over dinner/coffee or something and really make it clear.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I wish I made it clear to my folks that if I wanted people to know lo was adopted I would tell them, not 'hi this is my new grandson, he is adopted ' it drives me mad. I think they have the message now, but wish they got it when he first came home.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I really wish I had appreciated lie ins so much more! I haven't had one since September! The sleep til midday, stay in your pyjamas and not feel guilty kind. Oh and I wish I had drunk more wine and gone out dancing til my feet hurt!!


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks everyone keep them coming I am making a to do list to keep me busy! Defo take on board the family and friends advice. Going to make it clear from the off this will be our child and we will do things in line with our training for adoption not their so-called well meaning advice. I tried explaining attachment to my Nan and she said it was just good common sense. I work with neuroconditions in my day job so I just baffled her with science and she went quiet. However can see me having to use that on a few other relatives as well lol 

I intend to heed you wonderful peeps advice though and am starting on my pre-link list in earnest lol!

Booking a spa day soon for me and DH. 
xxx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Oh and I wish FF had a 'like' button or should I say 'love' button because each post would have them  xxx


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

Love this thread Jacks girl...last weekend of lie-ins for me then! Lol

Xx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Haha hunnibunni how many do you reckon you can get in before LO's intros. Huge congrats again hun so made up for you               xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Weight training.  Seriously.

You won't be able to get used to your children's gradual increase in weight and lugging them round everywhere.  When you suddenly have a 30+lb very stroppy toddler or two, you are going to wish you spent more time in the gym before hand!  Being strong enough to pick them up and chuck them around is great for bonding, and being strong enough to pick them up and carry them while they're board rigid/fighting like hell to get down without any problems makes things so much easier.  If you're having two and you can manage one under each arm, even better.  

Decorating and gardening - it's really hard to do when you've got kids at the best of times, but if you have kids who're "needy", which most adopted kids are, it can be next to impossible.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Also, ask people to buy big size wise, and do it yourself. I understand the desire to have lots of lovely things for our "babies" straight away, regardless of the age they come at, but actually at placement anything familiar is generally good, only change what you have to. Wyxling's clothes were in a bit of a state when she was placed, and definitely not to my taste, but while she liked seeing new things that were bought for her, and was excited and wanted to put them on, she wasn't really comfortable in them for long and then she wanted her tracksuit bottoms etc back. We phased in new things over a space of time and that worked better. She's still a bit like that. She likes the stuff I get for her, and she's got a pretty good idea for a 3 year old of what she looks good in, but I make the clothes choices and I know there are days when I get her out of bed and I can just tell this is a soft warm tracksuit and _very_ smooth sock day (she is like princess and the pea when it comes to even a hint of a wrinkle in her sock), because she's feeling touchy, and wants comfort clothes.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Def to the following: 
Weight training - omg I ached in places I didn't know I could ache
Lie ins - what I wouldn't give for one

And:
A hot cup of tea
A chance to do 'going out' hair and make up again...mind you I wouldn't know what to do now it's been so long
Bought that Mulberry bag dh wanted me to have as a 'you're going to be a mummy prezzie'  I so can't justify spending that much money now

And finally probably far TMI but:
A lovely long poo without someone popping in for a cwtch or knocking on the door (and that's just dh wandering what to do with lo lol ) 

Enjoy while you can


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Flash rofl   at the poo bit. 

It seems weight training is in order then! I do water weight training due to an old arm op - but it looks like the weight lifting machinery in the gym is going to see me giving it some use 

I love drinking tea - so I will make sure I get plenty of tea drinking in and maybe the odd cake with it .

Wyxie some good tips there regarding buying things for an LO and sensory ramifications. Your advice has highlighted very well this is something that all adopters need to be acutely aware of. The decorating and gardening before hand I think is defo a must. We have started some but am determined now more than ever after listening to you guys that is a definite on the list as we won't have time afterwards. I am going to cast a critical eye around the house today to look at what will likely irritate me in the future house and garden wise and what should go on the list so I can ensure its done. 

As I am off work this week I have made myself have lie ins and pj mornings, then have been decorating in the afternoons with hot cups of tea. See I have started acting on the advice already 

Thanks ladies - keep the tips coming


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Got someone in to deep clean the house.  Because it's never going to be clean again.

FILED the adoption paperwork and set up a file box/system.  Because I doubt I'm ever going to sort out the pile that now hides in my wardrobe.

Got ahead with the gardening and done a bit more decorating (As said before).

Weight training/yoga/physio.  Because I damaged my back first day of intros and it hasn't had a chance to heal properly since.  And - boy oh boy - it's hard to parent therapeutically when you're just in constant pain and you don't want to bend down.

Gone to see a couple of movies.    

Had a solitary morning in a coffee shop with a good book.

Climbed Castle Crag and sent my thanks and wishes and prayers on the wind, because I went there to cry out my grief over my Dad's death and the loss of my embryos and chances of biological babies and I haven't had a chance to go there in joy yet.

Thought more about how to keep in touch with people, because Bug was intolerant of me using the phone or computer during waking hours (which were long!) and I got out of touch with friends I needed.


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hahaha love some of these comments! Sorry tmi but while I was sat on loo I started chuckling thinking of flashes comment. . . .so I enjoyed the moment!
We have won Wimbledon tickets for court 1 in our club ballot, potentially week after MP! We know that intros won't properly start then. I need to check with my boss as I'm due to work. Normally we go whole hog and make a stay of it ( done this a lot over the years). Now do we not go as a lot going on or go on train for day enjoy our last Wimbledon for years and get drunk on pimms?


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I haven't shut the toilet door for two years now in the house.  Wyxling just cannot cope with a door being shut on her by Mummy, it would be a complete disaster.  Was a bit of an issue when we had workmen (a lot of) in earlier this year doing our kitchen!  I do still find it hard to wee when they're both in a toilet with me while we're out and I'm trying to make sure neither opens the bloody door though!  Get used to that one.  Keeping two mischievous toddlers away from everything they could possibly touch that they shouldn't, and from unlocking the door.  Bladelet managed to open the toilet door on the train today while I was sat on it (just a simple press of a button) although Wyxling did as told and quickly pressed the button again and re-shut it.  Good girl!  If I am unfortunate enough to need a poo in a public toilet everyone both in the toilet, and that we meet for the next five minutes, will be gleefully informed that "Mummy just had a poo" together with information on the size and consistency.  I try very hard never to poo out the house!

Also, Bladelet is a licker of everything.  Our dentist has a disabled toilet with a urinal in as well and last time I took them while getting Wyxling to wash her hands he managed to lick the urinal!  Urrrrrg.  One simply cannot be prepared for taking two toddlers to the toilet at once.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

LOL Wyxie!  Bug's best one was when I had to use a public loo and was towards the end of my period.  "Mummy!"  Hand on hips, glaring at me.  "DON'T poo your pants!" in a loud, admonitory voice.  What do you do?  I just said, "yes, dear.  Sorry.  You're quite right," to muffled sniggers from other toilet users....


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

May be too much detail here, but..

The 1st time we left LO with grandparents and got time to ourselves we had some intimate time, the second we went to the cinema and the third we did some gardening!

It's not like having a birth child who will often play by themselves, or easily have a support network from the start you can leave them with.  You have to wait quite a while before LO is ready to be left with others.  Even now, 4 months on, she is only left for half a day at the most, and only with grandparents.

Your LO will follow you around all day, every day, with no escape or chance for down-time.

As for privacy, DW and I had always left the bathroom door open and so it was an easy transition when LO came home, and luckily as a man I got to lock the toilet door, but the banging got too much and now I either have to block her view or sit down every time!  "Daddy can I see your ***?"  is what I get everytime I visit the loo!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Normal modesty just goes out the window.... ggg

I do remember the early phases when Bug was unwilling to let me out of his sight, but didn't want me to do anything boring like preparing food, doing laundry, feeding the cats... even if I involved him.  I can remember tantrums such as....."I'm hungry.... but I don't want you to go and get food.... no I don't want to come too I want to play in the living room... I'M HUNGRY!!!!"

The endless ability of the two year old to enter into self-defeating vicious circles was awe-inspiring!


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I have been taking full advantage of people's suggestions!

Over the last week Inbetween getting rooms ready, decorating, pulling up carpets and work I have enjoyed the following.....
1. Naps
2. A nice long hot soak in the tub with a hot cup of tea and lots of grown up bath foam (well deserved I feel as me and dh had just lugged 2 wardrobes, a dresser upstairs and built a cot and bed that day!).
3. Good few hours playing my favourite computer game
4. A lovely drive out in the country ( was to go and get my albums) followed by a nice wrap, cake and coffee all by myself in my favourite garden centre coffee shop and a mooch around the shops.
5. Have booked day off work so we can go to London for our last adult day at Wimbledon!

And I am currently lounging in bed about to finish reading a good book!

Next job, finish decorating dining room and paint and wallpaper LO bedroom....no rest for the wicked, well not for the next 18 years anyway


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Wish there was a like button for your post Phinie!
I have been loving reading this thread. 
We are not going to panel until next month but I have still been making the most of.......
1. Arranging to have the garden landscaped ( we are in a new build and the garden is just nothing and these little leatherjacket bugs have eaten all grass!!)
2. Sorting out our two spare rooms so one is now all ready for turning into a nursery.
3. Just trotting off to the pub on a Saturday afternoon for a few pints of cider ( my favourite one)
4. Shutting the bathroom door 
5. Jogging
6. Lying in till 11.30 on a Sunday! 
7. I have prepared both MILs about funnelling and I think they are on board!

Thanks so much for all the posts. My next thing to do is get all the health and safety things done to the house. 

Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So glad I'm not the only one having to toilet share Unfortunately the dog joins to.  Me two children and a dog in the under stairs toilet is ridiculous.  My eldest also tells me I have dirty nic nics when I'm on my period.  For me I just wish I hadn't put life on hold it made it much harder.  Just book stuff and agree to commitments like normal if you have to cancel or let Pele down because of the process so be it.  Xcc


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