# matching



## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Homestudy going really well, not as intrusive or horrible as I was expecting only got 3 sessions to go! Yay, but I have a query?  done my matching criteria with SW today and is challenging me on a what I say I will or wont accept.  I think she believes I can cope with more than I say I can, but I do not feel inclined to change any of what I have put with the exception of the sex... I really really want a girl but I dont want to wait years for one, would it be ok to say I would like 6 months to see if I am matched with a girl then if not I would happly accept a little boy??  Its not that I dont like boys, I do, but I have longed for a girl for years.  My other question is would I have to go back to panel if I did change my mind  on the sex?

Thanks


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

hi funnychic

Can you not just be approved without a restriction on your sex preference and just allow your social worker to search for matches for you (knowing that you have a preference of a little girl). It will do no harm for her to present you with matches of little boys, and you never know your ideal child may be out there waiting for you to find them and they may actually be a little boy.
I understand when you say you have longed for a girl, as I also do, Im not critisising that. It just makes sense to be approved for both sex's and just restrict your age groups, medical issues etc according to what you can cope with. Keep both doors open to you but ask your social worker to concentrate on finding a little girl. I hope that makes sense?!  

Good luck
Xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Funnychic

Absolutely do not change any of your matching criteria because your SW 'thinks' you could cope with more.  YOU know YOU best.  The SW will give her opinion but if you are quite sure you couldn't cope with XYZ then go with your gut instinct.  This is for the rest of your life and the child's life so it has to be right  

I think being specific about the sex of the child is a completely different issue and I think SW's would be looking for a very good reason why you are so specific about the sex.  Your SW could well have to justify your choice to panel so just saying youv'e always longed for a girl might not be a 'good' enough reason  . They will ask you specifically why you want a girl.  Do you have a specific reason?  If you do, then it may well be seen as reasonable  . Once you start reading profiles, you might find you are more concerned about everything other than the sex of the child as it may seem of less importance once you get to look at profiles ....

I don't believe you would have to go back to panel if you decide to change the sex selection.  I am not 100% though but I would very much doubt it.  Do check that one  

As Mum to a boy and having witnessed lots of Mummy/son relationships, I have to say it is very special and Boy's do seem to really love their Mummy's in a very 'simple' boy kind of way  .  There is no PMT when they get to teenage years either  . You just need to exercise them lots  

Good luck with it all.  It's so hard isn't it  

X


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Funnychic

I can understand why you may be more inclined to picture yourself with a little girl, I thought I wanted a girl too, DH was adamant he wanted a boy... we were linked with a little boy, and I have to say It instantly felt right... although we do not go to MP  until May, he already feels like ours, and I don't even think about little girls anymore.

As Dame Edna has said, when you actually get to reading profiles, the sex will be the least of your worries I'm sure... they are far more important things to consider... so I would say, stay open minded and don't write off the Little boys just yet    Good Luck!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Just agreeing with the last post. This subject came up at one of our prep training sessions and we were told that if we wanted to specify a girl or boy we needed to justify it for the panel.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi funnychic,

I agree with everything written above, lots of good advice. 

I strongly agree about not changing your matching criteria with regards to what you feel you are able to cope with, it's a decision that affects _your_ whole life, not your _sw's_ life so you mustn't feel any pressure from her to change your decisions in that regard. 
Again I agree with the others in terms of the sex. I don't mind saying that when myself and dh were going through the assessment process we both felt the same in that our experience with children was mainly with little girls due to the ratio of them in both our families and amongst close friends, so we naturally had a slight preference for a girl at that point. Again if I'm really honest, like you I had always wanted a little girl, I think a lot of women feel that way (just the same as men often would love a little boy). Please believe me though when I say that when you meet your lo for the first time that feeling will totally pale into insignificance and you really wont care less.
We also felt though that we really wanted to leave it to fate or destiny (whatever you'd like to call it). It wasn't really a strong enough preference and we had no real reason other than we could both 'see' ourselves with a little girl more than we could with a boy. To be honest we both knew we'd be over the moon whichever way it went but we both did have that slight preference deep down (at that point).

However...........
....things have totally flipped on their heads now!!  
We were linked with a (then 9 month old) little boy, and right from the point of being told this from our sw and hearing the very first facts about him it felt right and we both filled up with emotion and love right there and then (dh even got tearful, but our sw was used to that by then as he's very in touch with his feminine side, lol  ).
He has now been with us for just over a year and a half and I am so very glad we didn't state a preference as we can't imagine life without our little man, he is the light of our lives and was definitely meant to be with us. 
We also felt that you don't get to choose with a birth child and it's quite nice to have that surprise of whether your child will be a girl or boy so by not restricting yourself you'll still have that 

I think it's slightly different when applying to adopt a 2nd child (that isn't a natural sibling to your first) as then you have the first child to consider. Again you wouldn't get to choose with a birth child but as we all know adopted children all have additional needs and facts to consider.
We've discussed this and do feel that if we did ever apply for a 2nd child (unless it's a birth sibling then of course the blood link is more important than the sex of the child) we would most likely apply for a girl.
We have many reasons for this that we feel the panel would understand, amongst those is that we feel our little man would be less likely to feel as if he is being 'replaced' if a little girl joined us, plus we feel a little sister would better suit his temperament, personality and dynamics within our relationships. 
The point I am making, and why I even mention the above is that we are very aware that to specify a sex you really do have to have a good concrete reason as others have pointed out it has to be accepted by the panel.

I know in our case our main reason for wanting to leave it to fate was for that very reason (eg what is meant to be will be), but I think you also have to be careful as formally stating a sex without a solid reason could undermine your strong and positive attributes with regards to what you have to offer when put in front of the panel as they may view this negatively. 
As someone suggested above, if you feel really strongly about this though, maybe discuss it with your sw so that she is aware of how you feel instead of making it a formal preference. She will be involved in any linking meetings involving you and she will then be armed with this fact. This of course may mean that you could still be linked to a little boy as you and he may come up as a perfect link, even knowing your preference I'm sure most sw's would still approach you with a link if this be the case.

I hope the rest of your hs goes well and lots of luck for panel and beyond 

Anj x

DE.......I laughed at your 'need to exercise them more'!! (not that it makes any difference to our little men's 'pickleness' whether they've had a good run around or not, hey?! even more so when they're together!   )


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone food for thought!  I'm sure I would be happy with a little boy as I have loads of male nephews who I love to bits but even saying that out loud I have just said "but I still want a girl"!  Will have to discuss further with SW


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We too saw ourselves with a girl because of all the cousins/nieces but we have a little boy. I thought I'd feel outnumbered in a house full of boys but I love it! Also, I have determined to try my best to avoid "gendered" statements like "what a strong boy", "little champ" etc. as it annoys me so much what there is on baby clothes, what people say about babies, and it makes me think a lot about what I'd have been like with a girl, not in a bad way, but a girl now seems completely unreal compared to the chunky boy asleep upstairs!

(It didn't hurt that everyone was chuffed to finally have a boy in the family!)


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

the spouses - it's so true! I avoid 'cute Princess' and 'sweet little girl' stuff with our daughter. In FC she was dressed like a Victorian doll (during intros we told the FC we were going to soft play the next day and they dressed her in a bridesmaid type dress, complete with sash and 3 underskirts for the trip!) - do you know what, after months of choosing pink, pink, pink, huge dresses etc (which I have suffered through gritted teeth, as I guess for her it was familiarity), she is now confident enough to choose joggers, leggings, plainer stuff.... she still loves dresses but goes for er... smaller versions....!

slightly off topic sorry! But I really, really wanted a boy and could only see myself with a boy...... when our SW approached us about DD, I was absolutely shocked she was a girl and it threw me for a bit! Now of course, I can't imagine having a boy! She's perfect (most of the time!!) xx


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

eurgh dont get me started on some of the slogans I have seen on baby clothes...worst one of all time has to be 'It started with a kiss......' yuk yuk yuk....anyway off topic sorry!

Funnychic - discuss with SW definitely, go with your gut instinct but explore possibilities....when you look at profiles it will all become very real! good luck xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Sorry to be off-topic, but on our prep course we had to agree/disagree/not sure about different statements.  One of them was "it's okay to control what your child wears".  I got a lot of critical attention for saying that I agree with that statement...... until I explained that no matter how it impinges on their individualism or freedoms, no child of mine is wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with "**** in Training" or any other degrading or offensive slogan.

Then they all agreed with me....  LOL!

Other than that, they can go out with their underpants on their head, as long as they're safe!  

Funnychic, I'd agree with the others than it might be better to be approved for either gender, but seek a match with the girl that feels right for you. Good luck!


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