# 2nd BFN Devastated....



## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

I just had a second BFN today after ICSI round 2. I am absolutely devastated, and not sure how I will get through it this time. I have spent the whole day in tears, and now have to go back to work tomorrow after being signed off for the whole two weeks after EC.

To make matters worse DH is completely blaming himself (he has low sperm count and high sperm abnormalities). I feel like he has shut me out all day. He says he can't bear to see me crying and down all the time, and that we have not had any fun for ages. He also said he can't doesn't want to go through this again. 

I feel so alone and that I might loose him as well as any opportunity of being a mum.

Sorry for the me post, I just needed to tell someone...


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Redhead my Love

I know there is little to say to take away your pain but am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and cuddles.

I am so sorry.
  

Fraggles x


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi Redhead- 

big hugs  

We've also had two BFN's and it is hard,  I know what you mean about the not having fun element to life when going through tx- Your DH is coping with it in his own way but that is tough for you when all you need is a hug. It does get a bit easier after the initial shock. 

We're coming up to transfer on tues and part of me is really scared as it risks putting us through it again but then we want a baby.  We have had some nice times in the last couple of months and although we started again atraight away for next FET a bit of a break has been good. We went on holiday for a few days and it is good to reconnect as a couple and not just as going through tx. I want the tx if its going to work but not if its not- does that make sense?? 

I hope you can get through the next couple of days- what have you been signed off for? The truth or something else? could you get it extended at all. 

I don't know if my post makes any sense or is helpful but I know how you are feeling.

K x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Thank you ladies.

Fraggle - good luck for your cycle

K - it is good to know that there are others out there who know how horrible this process can be. I think we probably need a good holiday too to reconnect as you say. I have told work I had ivf but the consultant put ovarian cysts on my sick note. I may see how I feel tomorrow before I decide whether to go in or not. It maybe better to be busy. Good luck for the transfer xx


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## purplejr (May 20, 2009)

Hi Redhead,

Wanted to send you     for your BFN. 

Your situation sounds very similar to ours. We had 3 BFN's (including an FET) from ISCI before we got our BFP. I can sympathise with how hard it is to carry on. My DH felt it was all his fault as well despite my reassurances. Just be there for each other and good luck with your next move whatever it may be.

Livity - good luck with your transfer.

xx


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi Purple Jr-

It is really good to hear stories like yours!!  Thank you.  

Enjoy your last 2weeks of work and the rest of your pregnancy.

K x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Thanks Purple Jr good luck for the rest of your pregnancy Hun xx


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## Sally Cinnamon (Oct 18, 2007)

Hi Redhead

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you are feeling.  We've just had our 2nd BFN on our 2nd ICSI.  My OTD is tomorrow but AF arrived yesterday.    I thought I was prepared for another BFN after last year's.  But it feels far, far worse this time.  My sick note also runs out tomorrow and I can't face going back to work either.  I am going to contact my GP in the morning and ask for an extension.  Why don't you think about doing the same?  Take some "me" time.

Sending you much hugs and love


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Sally - so sorry Hun. I might take another couple of days off. I'm not sure I can put a happy face on yet and be normal. Take care xx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Hi Redhead,
I am new to this site but felt I had to reply. I had my 2nd BFN today after doing ICSI again although I knew last night as I had dreadful AF pains yesterday and I tested last night. Like a fool I tested again this morning (my official test day) and I know I will again tomorrow just before I ring the clinic with my result. I know it'll still be a BFN but it's like I'm unwilling to give up the dream. DH and I were talking earlier and saying how rubbish the odds were but I don't know about you, but once you've had the embryos put back in it feels so possible. Sorry this is becoming all about me but I wanted to say that I do know how you feel and it has helped to read other people's posts on this site, including yours. I suppose you have to grieve really. I'm alternating between terrible sadness and pain, failure, anger and jealousy. I don't like myself like this. I'm also feeling real panic that my time is running out.
I agree with the other girls that you need more time off. I'm going back on Wednesday. I know some of the staff are really curious as to why I'm off again and I thought that I could handle all the gossip, the pregnant colleague, the comments 'so have you ever wanted children then?' and 'not pregnant yet?' and the parent pregnant with twins (I'm a teacher) because I'd have a little baby in my tummy. But now..
So please look after yourself and know that you're not alone and sorry for the long post. Once I started ...!
Sending both you and Sally a hug, from Duckling x


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## Sally Cinnamon (Oct 18, 2007)

Hi Duckling

Sending you big hugs and love    

I hope you feel a little bit better this morning x 

Same to you Redhead, hope you are ok

Sal x x


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## purplejr (May 20, 2009)

Just wanted to send      to you all and hope your dreams come true soon.

xxx


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## lizziesiddal (Sep 23, 2009)

Redhead     I am sorry for what you're going through. I have just had my first BFN and I don't even know if I can go through it all again.  It's so hard, isn't it?  The years of trying, the diagnosis, the waiting for treatment.  When it arrives, you think you've reached the end of an awful road and everything will be okay.  Then when you get a BFN, you realise that you are simply on another road.  All I can now see is this ttc journey stretching far into the distance...  And I understand your DH's response.  Mine is the same and feels like he is torturing me in some way. He would do anything for me, but can't give me a child... the thing I want most.  I hope you get yourself signed off for a few more days.  Take care of yourself.

Other ladies


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies,

I had my 2nd BFN in August and know exactly what you are all going through. It does get easier and believe it or not, the willingness to do it again does come back slowly but surely.

As hard as this journey is, I sometimes think, 'what's the alternative'?
Do we not take the chance or achieving our dreams and just sit back and do nothing?
I don't think any of us could do that.
The biggest chances we take will hopefully pay off and we will all eventually achieve our heart's desire.

No one seems to understand the statistics and that there is such a low success rate. The time and energy that we all invest in tests, sniffing, injecting, testing, and waiting and waiting and waiting. I often joke that if 'patience' was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medal winner.

There is the underlying belief that we go to the clinic, they take the eggs, they mix them up with the sperm and then 2 weeks later we're all pregnant!!! I suppose, I had this vague notion myself before I found myself in the situation of having to understand the process!!

Having now suffered the pain of 2 BFNs, I feel there seems to be pressure on us to get over negative results very quickly? If you had a broken romance or were made redundant from your job had any kind of family crisis, no one would expect you to get over it so quickly. Because infertility is not openly recognised as the stressful, difficult road that everyone here at FF knows it is, we really don't know how to cope. There are so few songs about infertility, there must be 1000's about heart break and in a way, the whole world knows how to deal with someone who has been through something that they can relate to.

We invest so much time and energy in this process, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I look back at what I have had to do to get to this point. I had to lose weight, (difficult thing to do), give up smoking, (very difficult thing to do), give up drinking, (except for a few lapses). It's taken us almost 4 years to get to the point and we still have nothing to show for it!!!

We pump ourselves full of drugs and hormones and while slowly withdrawing from our normal social lives, we actually allow ourselves to believe that we might get the babies that we all so desire.

BFNs are such a huge loss to us. We all know that we cannot just 'try again' in a month or two because there is a rough, hard process to the the finish line.

Be kind to yourselves and talk, talk, talk about your loss. There must be a grieving process, which everyone need to go through.

Here at FF, we have all lost something..........our innocence? our belief in a fair world? our dreams?

I feel the pain of every woman on here and wish you all luck and babydust.

I've goggled statistics and tried to make sense of success rates. I've read every post on FF, trying to find people who I think look like they have a worse case than me and love all the success stories and you know what, I think what's meant to be is meant to be.

Success rates, grading of embryos, analysing every twinge and ache. All I know is that without modern science and the wonder of IVF, my chances are 0% and much as I sometimes feel sad/angry that my life has been touched by infertility, I have to rejoice in the fact that I have the opportunity to do this

Dee
********************************************************************************************
*BFN:*
Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 72% of women in my age group (37) are unsuccessful at IVF.

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 28% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 72% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices?

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down? 
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover? 
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them? 
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms.

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby.

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers. How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle?

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army. Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 3!!!!!


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Great post Irish Dee, I agree with loads of what you say,

K x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Ladies

I just wanted to thank you for all your kind words. I am sorry that most of us are in the same awful boat but I guess all we can do is take one day at a time.

DH and I went out for a drink last night and had a good chat. It was good to talk about normal things for a while. I have then been back to work today. I was dreading it but actually it was good to be busy again and most people were supportive. My clinic offer counselling so I had a session this morning which was really helpful. I would recommend it if you feel like you need some support. Have also booked a follow up appointment for 10 Dec. To be honest we are in no rush to jump back on the rollercoaster and are now planning a bit break and to have some fun. On that note we have booked to go to Paris on the first weekend in December so really looking forward to that.

Anyway off to bed now. Take care xx


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Redhead,

Glad you are feeling abit better and have planned some fun things- Paris will be fantastic- we went on our honeymoon there- you couldn't pick a better place for couple time!!

K x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

K

I am really looking forward to it. It will be good to have a break. Are there any must sees?
Hope you are ok hun x


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi Redhead, 
Paris Must sees- It's a lovely city to walk round- particularly the islands in the seine- one with the Notre Dame on and Ile St Louis and also the Latin quarter. If you get to somewhere central you can just start wandering. 

The Eiffel tower is great to go up-quite big queues, the Louvre is good but enormous and a bit overwhelming-could easily take a day. The Musee d'orsay has lots of Impressionist paintings

to be honest I liked wandering around and stopping in cafes most but then I'm a food and drink person! 

I'm doing well, had my second FET yesterday so am taking it very easy and willing the embies onwards to implantation- they were blastocysts so should be doing that today or tomorrow which is a wierd thought! It does get harder to stay positive but I feel ok now- had accupuncture yesterday- and listened to a hypnoconception cd which made me relax to falling asleep point, I'm going to do that again today. 

Hope work is ok

K x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Hi K
Thanks for the Paris tips. 

I really hope this works this time for you

take care B x


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## Guest (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi All

I have only had one BFN, and i can totally understand how you feel, i have been for my first counselling session today as weeks on i don't seem to have dealt with it.  I was trying to sweep it away but i don't think that has helped.  I feel i have bottled every think it, don't like to mention it to my husband as i think he think i am going mad.  We did really well during treatment but now i just can't bear to keep upsetting him.

I totally understand about avoid babies, two of three of my best friends are pregnant and my sister in law.  Just want to no when it is my time.  I am hoping to have a FET in Jan 2010, but at the moment i need to get my head straight, don't know if i'm ready for another negative and i have already convinced myself that it will be.  No reason for why it didn't work last time 

Its so hard sometimes as i can't seem to settle and focus on anything else.

Just to say we understand, your not the only one to feel this way and its totally normal

Hope you feel better soon, i know there are no quick wins out there but lots of baby dust to us all x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Hi Gemma

I'm so sorry to hear about your BFN. It does take time to get over a negative cycle. You do need to talk about it and I have found bottling things up is really not helpful. Glad to hear you have a counsellor set up to help you through. Maybe try and do some nice things with DH before January and your next try.

I thought it was doing ok. Tuesday I went back to work and was numb but got through the day. Yesterday I threw myself into work and tried to think about Paris. Then today I have come crashing down again cried before leaving the house and now on the way to work. I am so tired as I have not been sleeping. I guess none of us are wonderwomen even if we think we are and we must accept it takes time to get over a BFN.

Take care B x


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Big   

Only two days till the weekend hun, it's natural to be up and down, I thought I was doing fine till I started the new cycle and then the fears came back. 

We will get there!

Spoil yourself and your DH this weekend, 

Hi Gemma-hug to you to 

Kate


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## laylee (Jan 11, 2009)

Hi Redhead, Irish Dee, Gemma and everyone else who has suffered a BFN, my thoughts are with you. I had my first BFN today after an ICSI blastocyst transfer. I think they even graded my egg 1AA or something and my lining apparently was really good so I was give a "good" prognosis and naively thought I was in with a good chance. I did an early test a few days ago, which was negative and should have prepared me but I cant believe the amount of pain I have felt today after getting that negative result this morning. I havent been able to stop crying (which is not like me) and my boss actually sent me home at lunch time. Luckily DH was also at home so we went for a late lunch and I had two glasses of wine!! Definitely helped! I really didnt think I would feel this bad and would be pleased that I had got this far (had to abandon a previous cycle because of bleeding during the drugs) but I just cant make myself feel positive. Id even (stupidly) started watching those baby programmes on TV which hasnt helped as you start visualising yourself as a mother.

I think we've decided to get back on the horse as it were as soon as possible and go with the FET when viable but I dont know if emotionally Im ready and dont want this to be taking over my life. Anyway sorry this is a bit of a rant - I blame the two glasses of wine!

Thank you to all for sharing your stories, it helps to know you are not alone.x


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## Redhead (Jul 17, 2009)

Laylee - sorry to hear about your BFN Hun. Take time to get over it and spend some quality time with your DH.

I have been feeling a bit better today. Work has been so busy which has helped take my mind off things. Thank goodness it is Friday.

Off home for a nice glass of vino. Have a good weekend everyone B x


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## frances29 (Nov 2, 2009)

Hi Gemma,

I am in the same boat as you at the moment, and I feel like I am sinking. Found out in the last couple of days both my best friends are pregnant!!!. I feel really bad as I am not happy for them and feel like hiding away. 10 of the girls at work are also pregnant so I cant seem to get away from it. 

Had a my first BFN over 2 weeks ago and still feel very low, annoyed and so angry. I did everything I should have and it didnt make any difference.

I feel like giving up and saving myself from more heartache.

Hope your feeling okish today

x


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## Guest (Nov 22, 2009)

hi frances

it up and down for me i am feeling more positive than last week, but trying to talk to my husband about it still very difficult.  Today i am venturing to meet my friend who only has 8 weeks to go till her baby arrives for tea and cake, first time since before my ivf when she announced she was pregnant. Will have to see how i go .... i also felt the same about doing every thing i could gave up drink, ate healthly didn't do anything in the 2 week wait so al least i can't blame myself.  I am hoping for a FET in Jan 2010, so need to get my mind in order before then.  At the moment i feel apprehensive about going again, but then there is no chance of a baby if i don't

Hopefully time will help 

Gemma


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

So sorry to those who have had BFNs. Having had 5 myself I know how you feel. Some days are better than others. On the whole I find work takes my mind off it altho there are days when I have to force myself to get a grip and stop crying so can leave the house. The only piece of advice I can offer is to remember that even tho they may not show it men feel it as much as we do. I know my DH feels so helpless and I feel so guilty because it's looking like I have immune issues which is why IVF hasn't worked. This time of year is the hardest I find as everything is centred around children and families. Since our last failed cycle at the beg of Nov we haven't heard from our friends (all with kids), think they just don't know what to say any more so just keep away! We have booked to go away for New Year and xmas will be spent at the inlaws ( can't cope with my family fussing over my nephew) did feel a bit bad about that but now will do anything to cope and protect ourselves!If we hadn't just spent thousands on tx would be booking a hol to the Seychelles!
Basically do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better~after what you've been thru you deserve it! If you feel angry upset etc go with it and don't bottle it up at least there's us lot on FF who totally understand what you're going thru if u need to rant day or night.
Take care


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