# Insult to injury



## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 
I've been reading FF for a bit less than a year. This is my first post. If you share some of my feelings, please feel free to share, as I feel pretty lonely!! DH and I have been trying to conceive for 15 months. I do not ovulate and his sperm has low morphology. We're hoping to be referred for IVF/ICSI in a couple of weeks, to hopefully start the first cycle in October. After 10 doctors appointments, 8 failed clomid cycles, 9 close people getting pregnant, I feel deflated.
Icing on the cake: my sister in law, whom I love to bits, got pregnant pretty quickly, without effort, and her and her husband not taking care of themselves. Now she's on vacation at my parents (who live in the Caribbean), having pregnancy conversations with my mum, meeting our family friends, having a great time... I am very happy for her. But every bone in my body hurts. 
I have only been TTC for 15 months and when I see that a lot of you ladies have been trying for several years, I have so much respect and sympathy for you, as I don't know how much more failure and emptiness I can handle. But I guess you keep going when you have your beautiful goal in your mind.
Anyway, with FF it feels good to know that we understand what each each is going through, as family and friends may do their part to support us but they can't understand if they haven't lived this nightmare.
I read that you have to try and keep living, do fun things. I try my best but everything reminds me that I'm infertile and I feel less than a woman. How do you guys do to keep going? Any strategies?
Wishing that your most beautiful wish comes true soon! 
Froggy


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

I found the first stage the hardest, everyone getting pg from a 16 yr old to a man who has 4 children he hardly see's getting a 3rd girlfriend pg  best friend being "gutted" she was having a boy... Really a flustrating time. & although I cant say it gets easier, you do just learn to cope. If you want to rant, scream, cry then do it. We will listen & help you through it.  xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi Froggy and Hoping, I'm lonely too!

I've been trying for 2 years now, well two years of actual could get pregnant months have passed since my DH had his vasectomy reversed.  

I have to say that the 1 year - 16 month period was the worst for me, I think that's when you have to cope with the reality setting in.  

I did stop living, I couldn't bare seeing anything that reminded me that I am infertile (though I'm not, my DH has very low fertility after his operation and 100% abnormalities).  I spent a long time wishing that things were different and that it was me with fertility problem as it would be easier to come to terms with if it was medical and not due to a stupid decision that my DH made when he was with a woman that he didn't want to be with, had two kids with and then a vasectomy in the month that they broke up.  Hmmmm, I may still be a little angry over that one!  

I love my step kids, they are great children and I have a fantastic relationship with them, I am lucky even though I only get to share a fraction of their lives and his experience of being a parent is not with me.  It hurts that the love of my life had two children in a bad relationship with another woman more than seeing everyone else around me getting pregnant though.  My eldest stepchild was an accident and conceived within a month or so of them started to go out, that has all sorts of sad connotations for me about how his fertility used to be.  It has been a hard journey to get myself out of thinking like that all the time, I guess that we are where we are though now and it is my choice to stay.

As of last week, I now know just one other woman who doesn't have children of her own and that is hard to come to terms with.  I sometimes do feel like a social leper sometimes, including in my own home.

This is the most difficult thing that I have ever been through and it did stop me living, I stopped experiencing all life outside of trying to conceive.  I don't know what happened in the last 5 or so months, I think that my DH finally got it and finally started to understand how this was.  He doesn't really want another child, he is happy with 2, but he finally got that this wasn't a fair or loving reaction to having a baby with me.

I took control too I suppose, I stopped being a victim of my circumstance (well, I can still dabble in that one) and I started to do everything that I could to make a difference and make it feel like I have some semblance of say in having a baby of my own.  I think that my OCD supplement taking helped too.  I have always struggled with feeling out of control in my life, there are so many outside influences on us but it is my right to be happy and to have a baby, as much as it was my husband's or anyone else.  

It is a nightmare though, we live in a family-centric society that places women down the line if you don't have children.  There are a million reminders every single day.  I couldn't bare to see a pregnant woman or watch a programme about families until recently, it all felt too raw.  It still does a little but I am trying to see myself in their position now, imagine that it may be me soon and not concentrate on the fact that it isn't.  It makes every day very tiring though and simple things can take a lot of effort 

I get many days, a bit like today, when I wonder how I can go on living from day to day.  I sit here looking at my wheatgrass smoothie, or my 8 supplements and big sighs.... but then you just carry on.  It's like Hoping said, it doesn't get easier but you do just learn to cope.  You do just pick yourself up every day.  The important thing is having someone or somewhere to rant or cry when things are tough.  I think that's my biggest lesson, don't bottle it up, people don't really understand 'on the outside' so do it all here xx


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## Birdiepie (Sep 27, 2012)

I think everyone copes with it in different ways. Infertility can take over your life if you let it. That is why after recurrent MC's and failed IVF we decided to call it a day and just enjoy what we had instead of missing what we didn't have. It was like a weight had been lifted and we made plans to travel and visit places we had never been. That was when I discovered I was pregnant and had to tell my husband we would not be visiting New York in December after all. You can only do your best in trying to make your dreams come true but after that is it a bit of a lottery. It is frustrating when some people get pregnant 'by accident' or get pregnant straight away but try not to dwell on it just concentrate on you and be kind to yourselves


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.  My SIL has had four babies in the time we've been trying, so I know what you mean... It's such a close reminder, and of course you want to be the one to be going through that.  

To be honest, I still don't know how you cope. For me personally coping with infertility is too mingled up with coping with longterm depression to divide them from each other. All I can really say is that you get up every morning if you can, you get through the day any way you can, and don't be afraid to look for help if you need it. If some days are horrible, there will others that won't be as bad. I think the first years are probably hardest, because that's when it's all still so raw. (We also decided to take several years off treatments to "live life", but that happened because of many different things).


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 

Thank you for your replies and words of support. It really helps. 

And now for the  moment of the day: saw a massively pregnant woman (about 8 months)... smoking a big fat cigarette!! 

I'm changing the topic a bit, but what is your view on who to tell? Just asking because I spoke to my grandparents, who asked me once again when I was "going to announce to them that I was going to be a mum", and this time it was too much and I told them about our infertility. Found it quite liberating actually.

xx


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

Yes, I think it's quite liberating, too. I told quite a few of my friends and family members from pretty early on, and have always been quite frank with the curious people who ask questions (that really wouldn't be any of their business, but still). Not random work mates or people like that, but those who I've generally shared things of my life with. To my older relatives it was usually something like "well, I would love nothing more, but sometimes these things just don't happen so easily." We're not really a "medical details" kind of family, heh. It will stop most people making too many hurtful questions, and some people might even surprise you with lovely support. (I think I have had many extra hugs from an old auntie, who was happily married for over 40 years but never had children...)

Must admit; there've been times when I've spat out the truth at some people just because they've been spewing out something that's really peed me off, and I've wanted to shut them up and potentially embarrass them and make them think a bit before talking whatever pops in their heads in front of people whose circumstances they're not sure of... 

(Oooh, FF autocorrected my language; i'm not usually as mild as to be peed off  )

And grrr at the smokers, yes! A "friend" of mine recently had twins and smoked and ate all the "forbidden" foods and drank, too, for much of it. When someone kind of questioned her about it, she announced very proudly that she wasn't a health nazi. And because her twins are more or less healthy as babies, that obviously means it was all alright and no harm done...


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Thank you for your reply Myxini. Hope you're having a good week!


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