# Regression in 3 year old (and terrified cat!)



## Pinksarah

Hi there

My husband and I have just adopted a 3 year old girl and her 7 year old brother.  They were only placed with us just over a week and a half ago and everything is going as well as we could have hoped.  

We are seeing some 'naughty energy' in our 7 year old boy, but that seems to be working its way out now that he has started his new school and we are putting boundaries in place for him.  We are however seeing some quite major regression in our 3 year old.  She has serious screaming fits over (to me!) not much at all ... but doesn't have the language to explain what is wrong.  Its usually things like a hole in the bread, or not liking milk to cool her porridge down, even though she asked for cold porridge.  Once she comes out of her hysterics, she regresses to a baby, wanting me to feed her and using 'baby talk'.  I appreciate this is quite usual for newly placed children, I was just wondering if anyone could advise how best to manage it?  Do I pander to her babyishness, or do I tell her to behave like a big girl?

Additionally, we have 3 cats, 2 of whom are fine and quite comfortable with the children, although do hide under our bed when they are fed up with cuddles.  One of them however only comes out from our bed when our children go to bed.  I'm a little concerned that she isn't eating or going to the loo etc.  She will have to get used to them eventually, and all cats are different, but does anyone have any experience with encouraging their cats out in this situation?  I guess I should be happy that she hasn't started weeing everywhere with stress!!!  (And I'm sure once shortie pants starts nursery next week she will have a few more hours of freedom!)

Anyway, you advise would be gratefully received! 

Thank you, Sarah


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Hiya,

Firstly congratulations! sounds like we are  in a similar position to you, ( placed with a 2 & 3yr old few weeks ago)
We also have cats who will not come in the house, even in the snow! 
Our Sw said it takes cats about 12 weeks to get used to it!  

The eldest wants to regress a lot, She likes to play at being a baby where we rock her in our arms and sing to her, go in the push chair and be fed. We were told to keep up the regression stuff until she stops asking.
I was so surprised by how readily they took to the idea of the regression, it was like their little brains know what they need!
It does get annoying when a child who can dress her self decides she wants you to dress her etc. always when your short on time!  

We have been told to use "Time in" Technique with tantrums and so far we've not needed it often.


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## Old Timer

Hi Sarah

Congratulations on your children coming home.  

You may find your older child regresses later as he feels more comfortable with you so be prepared to 'baby' a 7 year old too.

As for the 3 yr old, her world has turned upside down and she is going to be very confused and possibly angry too.  Unfortunately tantrums are part of the course.  The regression is expected and it will help with bonding to 'baby' her, she is trying to make up for something she has missed so go with it.

Whose idea is it for the 3 yr old to start nursery so soon?  Even if she was used to going before coming home I'd be reluctant to put her into a nursery (or any childcare) so soon into placement.

Good luck, the early months can be very hard and tiring but it does get easier as you get to know each other and settle into a routine.
OT x


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## Old Timer

Meant to say about my cats, we have one very timid cat and she stays out of the childrens way.  Our DS has been home for over 4 1/2 years, DD for 16 months and the cat still doesn't think much of them!  As long as they have somewhere to go out of the way of little hands and noise and are able to get out they'll adjust in their own time.
OT x


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## beachgirl

You could try something called feliway, helps soothe the cats


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## Pinksarah

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've had a mad old day today as I've had a hospital appointment that I had to travel over 100 miles for where I was advised I need a hysterectomy! Not ideal given our recent arrivals! Anyway, I'll read your replies properly tomorrow! Thanks everyone for your responses, it's good to know we aren't alone! 

Sarah x


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi,


As the others have said, regression is very normal, and definitely to be encouraged. We even had to go back to nappies for a few weeks when dd moved in. 


And I agree with ot, the 7 year old going back to school is one thing, but the 3 year old to nursery doesn't sound like a good idea so soon, especially if she is regressing. Our DDs FM thought we should start her in nursery straight away when she moved in, as she was due to start there, also because she believed dd needed to learn to socialise with kids her own age. But it didn't feel right fr us, she had so many other things to learn, so we waited for 3 months. Even then it was very difficult for her, but after a few weeks she was fine, and now a year later is dong so well, and is apparently really helpful and friendly taking care of new nervous little ones when they start.


Anyway, hope the op can be put off for a few months! Life is great for timings isn't it 


XxxruthXxxruth


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## Pinksarah

Thanks DoublePrincessTrouble, and congratulations on your new family too.  It's amazing to finally become a parent isn't it!  It's good to hear that your 3 year old is behaving in the same way.  I have spend last night and today allowing her to be babylike, and I've had no tantrums.  I also realised something that probably has been having an impact on her regression is that she has had a cold - my 5 year old niece frequently requests to be spoonfed etc when she isn't well, so I guess that's a comfort thing too.  I know I can be guilty of overthinking things, "is this behaviour a product of circumstance, or standard behaviour for a 7 / 3 year old" etc.  Sorry your cats aren't too chuffed either, and I hope it's a quick 3 months for them too.  At least the snow has gone now!  Can you describe what the time-in technique is?  I'm only familiar with time-out!  

Hi Old Timer.  Thank you for your advise.  We have noticed some regression in our 7 year old.  Mainly at bathtimes but again, we are taken everyones advice and babying him a bit too.  It was actually the children's social worker who suggested nursery for DD, and I really trust his judgement.  The children have been in a really fantastic foster family for almost 3 years since just after DD's birth, so actually their separation anxiety is from their foster family rather than tummy mummy, and that applies to DS too.  Not that that makes it any easier for them to handle, but they are both being very open about their feelings and talk frequently about foster mum.  DS has been asking his social worker for years "have you found us a forever family yet".  I really appreciate your thoughts on the regression and the cats, and I'm so grateful for you to take the time to post your response.  

Ruthiebabe, your DD sounds like a lovely little girl!  Again, you have given some great advise which I absolutely appreciate.  Our SW is popping in tomorrow afternoon to see how everyone is getting on.  I'll mention DD's regression and see what she suggests about nursery as I really don't want to rush her and make any settling in worse.  The good thing is that the nursery is in DS's school so the Head Teacher and Year 3 / Nursery teachers are aware of the situation and are prepared to support them through their schooling.

Thanks Beachgirl.  I've spoken to the vets today and they advised the same.  A nice little trip out tomorrow to purchase some - bugger it's expensive though!!!

Fingers crossed I'll be able to have an ovary dissection laproscopically which would mean about a week for recovery, rather than open surgery and 2 months!  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.  Sadly it doesn't help much having this horrid endometreosis when I'm trying to hang out with my amazing children.  Ahh well, onwards and upwards, and a small glass of wine for having managed a whole day with no tantrums from either of them! 

Thanks again everyone! 

Sarah x


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## Doubleprincesstrouble

Sorry to hear about you needing an op. , that's rotten luck early into your new family. 

With the time in stuff, its just what we were told to do by our agency.

We know timeout doesn't work on our eldest, as FC said she screamed the house down for as long as she was left, Fc tried leaving her longer and longer and she just screamed louder and louder. Its just too much for her to be left and rejected like that. 


So I usually stop her gently with hands n both shoulders and talk to her at eye level, if she carries on I say stuff like you need to calm down and sit her on my lap for a few minutes facing away from me, sometimes I count to ten with deep breaths if she's really upset I might rock her.
The idea that she needs to be calm to learn the lesson of what went wrong, also that she isn't being rejected and also I think your touch, calm breathing and heart beat is supposed to calm them.

Its so difficult to know when to tell them off, especially when  some of the things they do are so funny.
Youngest decided last night the best place to store her toothbrush was with the loo brush! 
Guess I better get her a new toothbrush


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## Old Timer

Time out doesn't help the children to learn how to regulate their feelings and can actually trigger feelings of abandonement so try to avoid it at least until they have been with you a long time and feel secure.  Time in can be hard but is much better for them.  

Feliway actually made our cat worse but its worth a go as I know people who swear by it.

Re nursery, its not about whether LO is ready to learn or how her attachment was to FCs.  Its about her getting to know you, feeling settled and developing an attachment to you so that she feels safe when you do leave her at nursery.  So soon into placement at this age can be very unsettling for a 3 yr old, she has just moved to you and deosn't yet know you let alone trust that you will be there to look after her and then you are adding in someone else to care for her....I'm afraid the SW hasn't lived with adopted children and without wanting to offend, doesn't know what he is on about.  I would be worried by any experienced adopter agreeing that nursery is right this early in placement.

OT x


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## keemjay

congratulations on your new family 

I'd have to agree with OT and the others,,i really wouldnt be putting DD in nursery yet.However much you respect your sw many really have little experience of post placement and adoptive family life. you only have to read some message boards to hear some advice people are given. I have seen/read the most unbelievable things over the years..a friends sw asked to 'cuddle the baby' 2 weeks into placement, i mean really  

Its easy to feel like you need to lsten to sw's advice in the early days and not rock the boat but if a newly placed 3 yr old is showing signs of regression its a sign that she is struggling to cope and the very last thing she needs is separation from her new supposedly secure base. No sw could argue that keeping her at home for longer could possibly be anything but good for her. you cant do these early bonding days again..people wouldnt put a newborn baby into nursery or school, and these early placement days are like their newborn days with you...

kj x


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## wynnster

Another here agreeing with keeping dd with you as long as possible    Sorry.

DD's sw asked for a kiss a few weeks into placement    thankfully dd was having none of it    

As KJ said these early days cannot be taken again and building essential bonds now with her will give her the foundation she needs.  Delay for as long as possible in my opinion.

ALL sw's involved were wanting me to take dd to toddler groups early into placement,  apparently they thought she 'needed' it    She did not 'need' no such thing and we still don't go to any regular groups.  We see plenty of friends with various aged children and go to other classes like swimming and woodland toddle groups but we're always close, she still has a problem when I leave the room.  My point is, do what YOU think is best for your child, not what the sw's think whats best, these early days and weeks are the most important. 
Best of luck x


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## E3021

I really need to say that I completely agree with the others - it really sounds like she needs to be at home with you to bond and settle. My DDS have been home for seven months and I still haven't even let grandparents loom after them never mind strangers.

Both my girls dearly love their grandparents, especially my mum and dad but the eldest still panics if she thinks I'm disappearing when we're at their house.

As an early years teacher previously I would also say there is no rush to get into nursery - you can do loads at home to stimulate her and help her educationally when she is ready. In ,y experience children don't learn until they are feeling safe and secure so this really should be the emphasis to begin with.

That said, all children are different and each will be ready in their own time. You know her best, not your sw, you are mummy so you should trust your judgement about what is right.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Xxx


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## custard

There have been some really helpful replies here - thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post. 
I hope you don't mind me adding a follow-on question about how long you might wait before sending an older one to school? They've been in school in FC and really love it. I know I won't know for sure until we're placed, and I can see how we get on to an extent, but I'd love some thoughts if anyone has experience. 

Thank you! (And apologies for the hijack...)
J x


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## Pinksarah

Hi everyone

Thanks so much again for your advise. We have taken your comments on board and withdrawn shortie from nursery for a wee while. I appreciate all of your advice comes from personal experience and I'm grateful for you taking the time to post.

I've no problems with the hijack Custard 😊. Our 7 year old started school after a week and a half placement, however this was partly down to his request and partly because he had been off school since mid dec due to having his tonsils removed and he was desperate to start. He settled in with us very quickly and is really enjoying school. It has really helped with his 'silly time' energy too! We have had great reports from his teacher and are really proud of how well he is doing. I guess each child is different an it depends on all sorts of circumstances. 

Good luck with your journey x


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## keemjay

pinksarah really glad you have taken comments on board..you wont regret it 

custard heres a thread from AUK which deal with what you asked 

http://www.adoptionuk.org/s/forum/108012/forum/

aargh the link doesnt work  ..do a search called 'starting school' and near the top of the search findings is one called 'starting school soon after placement'..has 38 replies...

my opinion, seeing as you asked, would be to delay going to school for really the same reasons as i mentioned above.. a child who has had their entire life disrupted has everything to gain by being at home longer and nothing to lose.. certainly they arent going to miss that much 'learning' in primary school, certainly nothing you couldnt do yourself at home. I have a friend who has just brought home a family of little girls and it has been agreed that she will Home Educate the eldest (5) until September to ensure she has settled as much as possible before she has the stress of starting school. sadly this type of scenario is not supported as much as it should be..one needs enlightened professsionals to see the huge benefits for the child. most are just worried that childen are 'missing their education' which is really the least of the worries i would think for a newly placed child  sorry starting to rant, its a soapbox i spend a lot of time on 

kj x


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## custard

Brilliant! Thanks kj - I was just about to say that the link wasn't working! 

I had been thinking of home ed, as we have good friends who do it, and I can really see the benefits. But school is one of the biggest positives in this LO's life, so we're rethinking. Well, thinking of everything really!


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## keemjay

if you want to chat re home ed, pm me as thats what we're doing  


kj x


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## Smudgey

Feliway has worked wonders for our cat , get it off eBay , it's much much cheaper than the vets , and you need to plug it in and leave it on at all times and give it time to work , I would say at least 4-6 weeks before we saw an improvement and it really helped xx


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## crazyspaniel

Great Pumperkin, might invest in one for my slightly crazy spaniel!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

crazyspaniel said:


> slightly crazy spaniel!


Is there any other kind? lol... I'm tempted too, we have 2 spanners and a little Heinz, if it works it'll be worth it!


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## crazyspaniel

Ha ha x we should see if it works, although I must admit lavender wouldn't be my favourite fragrance


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## someday

Friends of ours adopted a couple of years ago (3and5 year old girl and boy). They have 2 cats. Both cats spent all day upstairs in my friends room until the kids went to bed! That all changed after 6 months to a year!

We have a young female cat and are about to have a 2 and 3 year old girl and boy placed with us. I do wonder how our cat is going to cope with it and wonder if they will bother the life out of her, or find her scary. They currently have a dog at foster carers!!


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