# Deciding when enough's enough??



## BrightonBelle (Aug 16, 2006)

Hi everyone

I've never posted on here before but have started to read some of the posts in the hope of inspiring an answer to my situation and dilemma. Apols for the blatantly me me me post...

I've been ttc for almost 5 years (I know that might not seem like that long compared to some women but feels like a lifetime to me). My most recent tx was an FET back in March which resulted in my 3rd BFN. Although in my follow up my consultant admitted that we needed to disregard the two IVFs I had in 2005/06 because they were carried out before an operation to remove fluid filled cysts from my tubes, I'm really feeling like I've taken as much as I can handle.

I've just been told I'm having a nervous breakdown and been recommended anti-depressants and am off work for a bit. Life just feels like it's all too much - not just with ttc but other stuff too. Basically my DP and I strated talking about it last nigth and saying that we feel like we just want it to stop now, and that neither of us can take much more. 

I've started thinking about adoption. I've planned for some time to have one of our own and adopt one but now thinking that I can't do any more tx.

What I'm scared of is that maybe I'm giving up too soon. Will I regret it in years to come? Or does the whole tx thing get addictive, that hope that not only keeps you going but also destroys your life when it's shattered. Maybe I need to give something back to the world by rescuing a child that needs hope.

I know that perhaps now isn't the right time to making a decision but my 35th birthday approaches and I want my life back. I don't recognise the person I have become.

Has anyone else battled with these thoughts and feelings?

Any advice/empathy appreciated.

Love to you all
Clo X


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

Hey Clo

Am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time of it..I do hope the anti-depressants will help to shift the dark cloud..it's so hard all of this.
Honey, i totally understand the thoughts you are having...unfortunately I have no answers for you but just want you to know that you are not the only one feeling confused.
Wont bore you with my history (see signature) we had our BFN on Friday and Dp and I both wonder how much more we can take of all of this? Our position at the moment is that we will probably be having our free go in a few months but in all reality why should this work after so many BFN's? It is extremely hard to stay positive..As each year goes past we get no further forward to having a family. I will be 40 next year and i have spent so much time in limbo, not progressing with my career because I dont want to loose 'maternity leave' (ha!) all my annual leave is spent on tx, I am obsessed with new fertility fixes that will help me get pregnant, I cringe to think how much money and time has been spent on all of this...Dont get me wrong, I dont begrudge that but like I said to Dp, it is the most energy i have ever put into ANYTHING...its the thing I want most in the world and it's so hard to understand why it just never works.
We also are thinking very seriously of getting the ball rolling for adoption..I mean, that may take a few years...if we carry on with all this tx then i will be 45 before I have a child..Just cant wait that long!
Sorry that this has turned into a "me" post Clo, I wish i had the answers honey....All I can say is that you have tried everything...yes, of course you could have more tx but at what cost? I think if you were to stop now you could NEVER blame yourself as you have done all you can. I think if you make the decision to adopt, though there will be tough times ahead, ultimately you have more chance of acheiving your dream of a family. It is terribly hard to "let go" of the dream of pregnancy and i havent let go myself yet but I am trying to work towards it..
loads of luck to you hun
Pobby xxx


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## BrightonBelle (Aug 16, 2006)

Hi Pobby

Thanks so much for your reply. I am so sorry to read about your BFN. It's so bloody unfair and gut wrenchingly hard to get over. I can totally empathise with everything you say about your career etc. I would love to change jobs as mine really stresses me out but like you I am hanging on because of the good holidays, flexible hours and maternity package. 

I haven't decided whether or not to go on anti d's to be honest - am going to see how the week pans out.

And DP and I have a week away at the end of the month after which I think we'll make a decision about whether to give tx one more go.

On an up note, I noticed you're a Brighton&Hove gal. I know someone from a sipport group I used to go to who's just adopted a beautiful baby girl. Maybe there will be happiness for us both at the end of this tunnel after all.

Take care darlin
Clo XXX


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

Hey Clo
I actually think i know who you are talking about! wont say her name on here but does it begin with C? 
We may know a few of the same people. Did talk to you a while back on the Sussex thread.
Have a wondeful week away at the end of the month and dont rush into any decisions.
I haver just come off the phone from my fert nurse and now feel more confused than ever! 
pobby xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Welcome pobby and clo,

First, know that you are not alone; every one of the women who belong to this thread has had a moment such as yours, questioning how much more they can volunteer to endure, wondering if they will regret it if they stop now. 

I'm going to try answering your question from a slightly odd angle. Society can only define success in fertility treatment terms as 'geting a baby'. The clinics are full of picture boards of bonny babies, but there are no boards of successful, positive living childless women, and yet, given the odds every time we have treatment, wouldn't that be better? The clinics, our families and our friends can't bear the thought of what we are tolerating and so their only solution to a failed treatment is to suggest we have another go. The myth is perpetuated by the media that if you keep going you will get there. Society is addicted to pronatalism (the worship of the family unit) and so those of us outside that feel excluded. Flipper on this site is starting a book and has discovered quite a lot of research material that suggests that the medicine is way ahead of the psychotherapuetic skills of the clinics, and so yes, there is a chance we become addicted to keeping on going because they don't know how to help us consider alternatives..

And so... nothing you see in the world around you suggests that there is anything 'successful' in stepping off the mouse wheel and choosing to get on with life in another way. No, it's not what you imagined for yourself, but yes, a positive childless life is certainly a possibility. I can only speak from my experience (and a little from my knowledge of the remarkable women who post here regularly) and say that regret doesn't tend to feature highly on our list of worries and moans. We have reached a point where we feel emotionally, physically, relationship-wise, sanity-wise and finance-wise, enough is enough. How long can we keep life on hold?  

I find the greatest cure for my troubles (which do lessen over time) is the solidarity, sisterhood, comfort and understanding I find here. We share an amazing amount of wisdom and insight into the childless condition, and there is real inspiration to be had in this community. I've never felt anything quite so affirming in all my life. 

No-one can know but you if you will regret your decision to stop, but it does sound as if you have both been through a heck of a lot, and are paying a high price emotionally. If nothing else, allow yourself some time before you take any other steps. Adoption is a very fine way to use our nurturing, creative self, but it is not a direct replacement for having our own child, and we need to time to accept that life is now following a different path. That is very much my personal opinion, and I mean no offence; I just sometimes think that society feels us 'poor childless women' are here to soak up other's messes, but it is not something to be undertaken lightly (as the wedding vows say....!)

Finally I would add that having the bravery to post here is quite something, but now you've done it I would encourage you to stick around and let the benefits of being with us here permeate a little....

You're in my thoughts, 

Love

MM xxxx


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Clo

Your sentiments ring true for me.  My 3rd and last BFN was March 2006 and I distinctly remember crying to myself when suffering horrendous AF cramps, deciding that I couldn't keep doing this to myself.  I'll turn 35 in August and in some respects I feel that my life has been on hold for years while I try for a baby.

For me some time out has helped.  I've compiled a list of all the advice that I have ever received, build nest, detox, loose weight, blah, blah and when I have achieved that I will cycle again, possibly in 6 months.  I want to be able to put my hand on my heart and know that I did every single thing that I could to try to get pregnant and that if it doesn't happen, well maybe it was not to be I'll be ready to move on, my life isn't so bad there are other things that I would like to do if babies don't happen.

I read something years ago when we were starting out, that we should try to put a number on tx or you get addicted - not to the treatment but to the hope.  I always thought maybe about 5 cycles and that seems about right for me now 4 years later, like you I discount the first 2 attempts as there were a few mishaps during cycle and transfer.  Knowing when to draw the line is such a personal decision to make I also think that you know when you get there... I know one lady who got pregnant after her 10th cycle, then fell pregnant naturally thereafter, I take my hat off to her, I don't have the funds or the stamina to do that.  

You and DP could always start adoption process now anyway, it takes years and you can always remove yourself from the list.  Maybe after a break you will decide to try one more time with a different clinic, maybe not.  For now just nurture yourself and the rest will follow.

 Dippy x


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## caz nox (Mar 9, 2005)

I have been thinking about his recently. 

We have had a hard time and after my recent MC and I thought how can I put myself through this again. 

We both know that we want children - our whole life changed to have children - so either way we get them we know we will be blessed. We have put a limit on how many IVF's we are going to do which is another 2. My GP offered my anti-D's after the loss of our son but I decided to turn them down as I am more scared of the effects of when I come off them. I have a great support network which does help but I feel I am starting to get bitter towards my friends who all have young babies. 

I wish you luck in whichever route you take! 

I belive everything happens for a reason. 

Carrie


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## BrightonBelle (Aug 16, 2006)

Thanks everyone

Lots of very solid and sound advice and philosophies. Maggie you're absolutely right about clinics, the media - even women having tx - sweeping any possibility of 'failure' under the carpet. I remember when I first started out on this journey reading an article about a woman whose tx had cost her her career and relationship and not conceived either. It was narrated by her and focussed on that most taboo of subjects in the If world - that tx doesn't always work for everyone. I remember that it made my heart sink but that, like countless other women, filed it away in the 'but that'll never happen to me' folder. Years later, I can't believe I'm still going through this, having watched almost everyone I know have first then second children. Always putting on a brave face, clinging on to hope with an increasingly wobbly grip.

Maggie, you're right. Adoption isn't just a parallel alternative and I do appreciate that, which is why I've denied it in the past, despite friends and family breaking my heart each time they've suggested it. I'm afraid at this point I cannot imagine my life without a child in it. You're absolutely right too about the siterhood and solidarity I've found on this site. But I only wish I could transfer a little of that into my life away from the computer screen. As time goes on I find myself increasingly isolated to the point where I can't even face the IF women I know for fear of being the one who drags them down. I just don't have the energy to buoy up my - or their - situation. And thanks for the invitation to stick around, I'll take you up on that. Any recommendations for threads to join?

Pobby, yes I think we have chatted on the Sussex thread and yes her name does begin with C. have you ever been to the support group C started a few years back? We may even have met  .

Dippy, sounds like we're in a very similar position. Just reading your post makes me want to give it naother shot. But you're right some time out is probably exactly what we need. We just feel that we don't even want it there in the background any more, the possibility that we might be stepping back on that rollercoaster again in a few months time. We'll see.

Carrie, I do sympathise with your bitterness too. I haven't even seen my friend's little girl who was born in March. I just can't bring myself to put on a happy face and I know my heart will totally melt when I see her. I feel real guilt for feeling like this. 

Thanks for posting everyone. It does help to know I'm not alone.

Clo XXXX


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

Clo

I've been exactly where you are now and I can totally understand how you are feeling.

To give you hope, I have been ttc for 20 years on my scond DH now. I have done 18months + of clomid, 4 IUI's, 3 IVVF's with my own eggs, and 2 DEIVF's in South Africa. My ticker tells the last bit of the tale 

Its been a very long hard road, I even went down the adoption route with my Ex H but his heart wasnt in it and it showed and we got stopped part way through. Ex H wanted his kids whatever it took putting me through.

I have a very sever phobia of hospitals, which made my journey all the harder. But at the end of the day perserverance paid off.

I wish you all the best on what ever road you choose to take.

chris


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Clo, 

I totally get the sense of not being able to imagine life without a child in it, and that's exactly why you're so right not to rush in, because otherwise we might do something we're not emotionally ready for, and end up worse than before. You're doing all the right things hun!

To be honest, there are very regular new posts on this section, and so there are no particular threads to join above others, and most of the regulars here will take the time to post on each new thread - just wait till this evening when they all get on line and give you a big welcome!

I'm also sure that the other ladies will have suggestions about getting solidarity face to face - my instinct is to mention the workshops I run, but I wouldn't want you to read that as me 'selling', better to let others make suggestions.... There are a few ways to find what you need, but it does require concentrated effort!

Stick around!!!!

Love, 

MM xx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Hi Clo,

Welcome to this area of the forum. I've only been here a couple of months, and already this place and the people here, have become very important to me.

My story is that I can't face doing anymore tx cycles. I've spent 5 years on this treadmill and I want to get off. I can't bear the thought of spending _another _ 5 years feeling the way I have for the last 5!

Stopping tx is a very personal decision which only you can make. Listen to your body and your heart and take care of yourself.

x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Clo

I am so sorry that you are feeling so emotionally battered and bruised at the moment, and wondering what the future will be like for you and your DH. Most of the lovely ladies here have also been at this very point that you are at right now, many of us can appreciate how worn down you are feeling with all the thoughts and emotions that have led you up to this particular point in your life.

Taking a break away from all the treatment for a while sounds like a good idea while you give yourself time to heal your hurts, and perhaps ponder on the future a wee bit more objectively without having to go back and forth to your clinic and the 'dangling carrot'.

In my humble opinion I think that you need to take some much deserved time out with your DH and take very good care of yourself, take each day at a time, and simply 'be' for a while if this is possible. I know its hard to tick along as it is when we all have to face the nitty gritty of 'everyday life' going to work and trying to function on one level whilst we feel desperately sad inside... but I promise you, with a little time out from all of this you will feel more settled in yourself to decide upon whichever course of action you think you can deal with next.

Infertility is a journey, and its one less travelled than most - however the ladies here understand the trials, tribulations and the fear, and of course many of us have experienced the isolation factor too. So many folk around us who haven't experienced infertility do not realise the huge pile of emotions and heartaches we go through on so many levels and on a day to day basis, and how debilitating those emotions can be.

You are more than welcome to stick around here with us whilst you explore these thoughts and feelings hon - you certainly won't drag any of us down. The ladies here are so supportive and empathise with what you are going through right now.

No matter what you decide to do in the future, as long as it is ultimately the right decision for you then thats fine. I just hope you are able to take a wee bit of time out from the rollercoaster, and that you can find a wee bit of peace in your heart before the next chapter begins.

We're here for you, and we understand...

Be gentle on yourself sweetheart, you've been through a lot.

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I can't add much here but wanted to add my welcome BB and I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.  Your concern about giving up too soon is entirely natural but as emmag says, if you listen to your heart and your body, you'll know when too soon is and when too soon isn't.  It looks to me from your history that you've been heroic in your persuit.

Be kind to yourselves and take it one day at a time.

flipper


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Clo.

The regulars on this "Moving on" board are just the most supportive group of women I have ever met. (And through different stages of my life I have met supportive people in all sorts of arenas.) If you decide to stick around, you will be welcome and supported for as long as you need. 

Most of the regulars have given up on tx and are giving and reieving support in building a life without children. I hope that we can show that it is possible to be happy after giving up on tx. 

Some of us regulars have considered adoption, but not all of us decide to persue that possibility. I guess that those who move on to the adoption process move away onto the adoption board or to find support elsewhere.

You have also had replies from supportive people I have not met on this board before, some of whom are giving tx a bit more time and who deserve all the best luck in achieving the dream almost everyone on this site has shared.

I hope I am right in saying that you are still young enough to pause for a little while and carefully consider each of the ways open to you. From your first post, it sounds like you need to take this time out.

It seems to me that you are at a crossroad in deciding whether you are ready to move away from medical intervention or to try another tx. I think that crossroad is one of the hardest places to stand in this whole (in)fertility journey. No wonder you are feeling very stressed.

The first time we travel the tx road we are full of hope. The more times we travel that route, the more difficult it is to carry on with diminishing hope. Yet it can be so hard to put down that hope altogether and walk away in another direction to a different future.

It is also very hard to see what the other roads lead to and so it can be very scary to try and walk them. Even more so if we do not know where to find support from fellow travelers.

We can try to adopt, but may not be accepted. If we adopt we may need to learn to deal with all kinds of new issues. We may need to get support to tackle this, I hope that adoptive parents can get this support from the adoption board and from other groups for potential adoptive parents.

If we decide to remain childless, or have to do so, we have to forge a new life that this famiy orientated culture does not prepare us for. Maybe this "moving on" board can help start people on this path?

Dear Clo, I realise there are no easy answers in what I have said here. I just hope that maybe my reply can give you some support in the thoughts you may be going through?

With love,

Jq xxx


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

jq said:


> I think that crossroad is one of the hardest places to stand in this whole (in)fertility journey. No wonder you are feeling very stressed.
> 
> The first time we travel the tx road we are full of hope. The more times we travel that route, the more difficult it is to carry on with diminishing hope. Yet it can be so hard to put down that hope altogether and walk away in another direction to a different future.
> 
> Jq xxx


This resonates so soundly with me at the moment. I too am driving myself nuts with the question of what now. After 3 failed tx and been told donor eggs are the only chance of success and then being told that there's a 2 year waitlist I am definately coming to the end of the tx road. We have found another clinic with a shorter list but in my heart of hearts I think it's time to stop, however DH thinks we should have one more go with DEs. I kinda understand that as it is his only chance of having his biological child - I can't anyway so it makes no odds to me. God that sounds heartless but I am so tired of this being the prime focus of our lives. I want to move on from this being the thing that defines us and dictates what we do - jobs, where we live, time out, holidays - it feels like we have not made one decision in the last 5 years that hasn't been constrained by tx.

On the other hand I can't imagine life without children either but I think that it is just our fate, I am trying to figure out what our lives can and will be like without them.

I almost just want to get the DE situation resolved for once and for all so that it will all stop.

I didn't mean for this to be such a me post. I am sorry. I do seem to keep going round in circles. Just trying to find the courage to jump off the rollercoaster.

H4M
x


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## BrightonBelle (Aug 16, 2006)

Hi everyone

Wow, I'm overwhelmed with your support and wisdom and kind words - thanks so much. It means a HUGE amount to me.

I know that now's not the right time to make that decision while I'm as down as I am. Perhaps a couple of months on anti-depressants _is_ the answer, to take a break from feeling so rough and maybe to actually enjoy life a bit for a while and get back some of my relationships with friends.

I'd love to stick around and get to know you all. I'm a very good listener too so I hope I can be supportive to all of you too.

More later.

thanks again
Clo XXX


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Clo, 

sounds as if a break has already allowed you to think more clearly about what is best for you! - Go girl!!!

Do stick around - we never wish it on anyone to belong with s, but we are always glad when someone finds beng here helpful....

Love, and hope you're feeling better, 

MM xxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Clo
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, and that you are faced with this awful dilemma. As the girls on here know, I spent most of last year agonising over whether to do another tx or not. It was completely horrible and ate away at me every day trying to rationalise all the pros and cons - which of course is impossible...We decided to do another icsi in Feb/March, which didn't work, BUT in a way, I am so glad we did it, because it confirmed to me that I won't/can't do any more, and that helps in moving forward. 

Listen to your body and soul because they will tell you how much more you can/can't cope with. I know sometimes it's virtually impossible to know what you really want - which is why some time out is imperative - and hopefully as things settle a little you will be able to see things more clearly.
I'm so sorry Clo - and I completely understand. Maybe if anti depressants would lift the fog for a few months they may be the right thing for you? Maybe a summer of reconnecting with family and friends and long walks on the beach (you are in Brighton yes?) may help you in your decisions...
The others here are amazing ladies and have helped me beyond words - so please keep posting if it helps cos I know they can help you too.
Love and best wishes, Ruby xx


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## BrightonBelle (Aug 16, 2006)

Thanks ladies. I veer from thinking I can't do it again to thinking that one more shot would be wise. Last time I saw my cons he did say that I haven't done a fresh cycle since my op and that I need to see this as a fresh start. His words keep ringing in my head and I wonder if they would continue to do so if I don't try one more time. But then there might be embies to freeze and that leads to another round of FET. The thought of it makes me feel ill! My instinct today is to have one more fresh cycle and try for blasts as I've never done that before but like I said I don't think I can make up my mind right now.

Anyway, enough about me. How is everyone else?

Are most of you thinking about moving on and trying for adoption or are you thinking about your lives without children and focussing on other things instead?

Hope you're all okay today.

Much love
Clo XX


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Clo

The majority of people who use this space have decided or have had events decide for them that having a family is something that is not going to happen, so you may find lots of discussions about the place where people speak of trying to come to terms with never being more than a family of 2.

Some ladies decide to go on and have adoption, they usually move onto the adoption board where they can get more support and advice alongside others who have chosen that route. Some decide to have another shot at treatment, they too go off and find the relevant board where they will get some much needed support. But in the main, for most of us here, this is the place where we explore what it is like to live our lives without children.

Hope that helps answer some of your questions, and I hope that you are taking things really easy right now. Its hard to have these sorts of thoughts running around your head - as Ruby put it so beautifully you will know one day whether or not to attempt more treatment. Perhaps you shall - but if you decide not to, know that life still can be beautiful eventually... its just a different kind of path to what we all thought we may tread someday.

Take very good care of you hon
Love
Emcee x


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Clo,

I haven't been on here for a few weeks as I have been changing my life (yet again!) - an unexpected benefit of being just the two of us!

I have nothing much to add to what the others have said, but I decided how far I would go with treatment before we started, so I knew when I had completed the final IUI that if it didn't work, there would be nothing else. It was still awful when it happened, but I knew that if I didn't do it that way, I would keep saying "just one more try". I feel for you, and as the others have said, you need to trust your instincts - but perhaps give yourself a break first, because it is a huge decision.  

I want to add something about adoption, as I know quite a few people see it as the natural progression. I have worked in adoption for many years, and the reality is that it is not a replacement for having a birth child. You may already know this, so apologies if you do. Most children looking for adoptive families today have been removed from birth families due to neglect and/or abuse, and many are older (4-6 years). Living with a hurt and traumatised child can be incredibly hard. The message boards on the Adoption UK website give an insight into what many adoptive parents live with. I know so many people who have gone into adoption assuring me that they know it will be difficult, but then tell me that they didn't expect it to be the way it is. I feel very strongly that it should only be approached as a parenting option when you can say, hand on heart, that you do not need to be a parent. I know that sounds odd, but it is vital that you first grieve for the loss of your birth child before you start thinking about adoption. I don't know of any Local Authority or agency that will take you on until about a year after you have finished IF treatment, because they recognise the importance of letting go of hopes and dreams for your ideal family.

I've gone on a bit, but this is my research topic for my MSc as well as having been my job for a very long time!

Whatever you do, take very good care of yourself and remember that there are many wise ladies on here who understand and care - they have helped me enormously over the last few months.



Lots of love and apologies for the rant,
Solitaire
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Solitaire - you gem!

Thank you for adding what you have written, for it is very relevant to me today. After repeating myself for the umpteenth time to people who don't understand why I don't feel adoption is right for myself and my DH - and I get sick to the back teeth of telling folk its not about my feelings, but consideration for the potential adopted child - I think I'll just print off what you have said and shove that in their faces instead! 

Thank you for being you!

Love & grattitude 
Emcee x


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Ohhh Emcee

You get that too huh......... we cant adopt for various reasons and now I think we are at the end of our tx road, I am left shattered when people offer this up as what they think is a reasonable replacement!!!! 
Solitaire thank you so much for that as well, i think I will have to also print it out and stick it under peoples noses to!

Debs
xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

Hello everyone, this is my first post on this board, but have been lurking for ages. Have never really felt that I was entitled to post here as I was doing one 'final' tx and it had taken me 18 months to decide to have another go only for it to end in my 5th BFN.

Now I have to decide if enough *is* enough, and it's tearing me apart and taking up every minute of my life again - I say 'again' because that's how I felt up until I decided on my last tx.

After 5 BFNs I am lost, overwhelmed, and confused and feel as if I'm surrounded by people who always seem to say the wrong things, even though I don't know what the right things are myself.

I'm thinking about 'one more' go, but when will it end? When I had my first tx I remember meeting a woman who was on her 6th attempt, and I remember thinking "I would have given up long ago if I was her" and now I find myself in the same position and not really wanting to give up the hope but terrified of not being able to get off this soul destroying ride.

I have read and have even felt inspired and comforted by Nicki Defago's book and have imagined and seen the possibilities of living without children, but a childless future also scares me.

Adoption has always been bandied about as a 'solution' by other people including my DP, but I'm not sure it feels right for me/us and reading Solitaire's post has made me think even harder about if it really is a route I want to go down.

Sorry to go on about me me me, but the posts on this thread really made me realise that I am not the only one struggling with one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.

Lili xx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Liliaicha
Well done for taking the plunge to post - I know it can be difficult, but you are absolutely right when you say you are NOT alone. People post at all stages of their journeys, so please don't feel you're not entitled to post.

I am so very sorry to hear that your 5th attempt has failed - especially after agonising over whether to do it or not. I really sympathise and empathise with this, as I did the same thing - and it failed too. I can really relate to that feeling of not knowing what to do tearing you apart - it's so hard. It's completely soul destroying and it's no wonder that you're feeling lost and overwhelmed. You don't say how long ago your last treatment was? But it sounds like you are still reeling from it - which is totally understandable whenever it was.
I haven't found that many books to be helpful, but I do remember one talking about giving up treatment - and it said that sometimes it helps to be pragmatic about it and weigh up all the practical stuff - like whether you can afford it financially, what your consultant is saying re possible success, your age, how long you've been trying, whether your work is being affected (I'm sure it has been) - stuff like that. However, I think the only real thing to pay attention to is yourself - and like I said to Clo, whether your body and soul can TAKE any more. I knew that mine couldn;t, so I have stepped off the treatment treadmill - and the torment has stopped - although I'm still struggling, as I'm sure you've seen by my other post - things are slowly getting better.

Liliaicha, just give yourself time and talk it over with your DP. I know that sounds a bit lame - but it's a decision for both of you - I know that my husband was at the end of the road too - and that helped me in my final decision.
Take care,
Ruby xxxx


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

Hi Ruby

Thanks for your kind words. It's only actually a week since my BFN so your right, I am still reeling from it.

I've managed to get myself an appointment with my consultant next week after many phone calls to my clinic, and in some ways I just want him to say _'if I were you I wouldn't bother with any more treatment'_ but I know he won't especially as I have 'unexplained' infertility and so keep being told (and I think it myself) that there is no reason why it shouldn't work.

Can you remember the name of that book? I thought it might be quite helpful for me as I can be very a very practical person (although others would say control freak!! )

I have tried talking to DP but I don't think he is at the end of his road yet, and I think he is bringing adoption in to the equation too quickly. He won't discuss any more until we've seen the consultant and had a holiday!

Lili xx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Lili,
A week is such a short time - I think you're doing incredibly well to be thinking about anything at ALL at the moment. I can appreciate that your DP doesn't want to talk just now - mine had to ask me (albeit gently and very kindly) to stop talking about it all so much as it was doing his head in!! I seemed to have (and still have) an insatiable appetite for talking about everything, even though it's not always helpful to me. BUT I think your DP makes a good point in that you can't come to any decisions until you've seen your cons and had some time out via a holiday...I think what helps me sometimes is acknowledging that I don't have to make a decision today - or even tomorrow.. I am an impatient person at times and often feel I want to decide things NOW! Which, obviously isn't always possible. It's so very hard, I really understand.
ruby xx

ps. I think the book was Zita West's one - which is mainly about ttc - I bought it a few years ago and remember reading the last part - which was literally a couple of paragraphs. I don't think the book itself would be at all helpful or relevant for you at the moment - it's just that last short bit that always stuck in my mind.


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Clo,
Yes I know just how you feel - and I think you are wise to draw a line. Sometimes I wish I had gone down the adoption route earlier. Adoption is no picnic and you will need plenty of emotional resources to cope with it. But at the end of the day you know you will get somewhere. With IVF nothing is ever guaranteed and it is just emotionally draining. WHen you say your doc thinks you shouldn't count the first 2 tries - well that doesn't take your emotions into account. Every attempt and failure has an emotional cost. We are not machines. As for antidepressants - tell me about it. I'm on them too - you are not alone. Look at them as something to help get you back on your feet. You will get there and feel strong again. I know that it can be tempting to just carry on with cycle after cycle in a 'war of attrition' - but it all costs. And not just in money. I say you should do what I'm trying to do at the moment - and that is reclaim your life. Do it now, don't wait til you are 41 like me.
Bernie xxx


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

Hi Ruby



> I am an impatient person at times and often feel I want to decide things NOW!


I know how you feel, I also want to know NOW. I sometimes feel that I cannot get on with my own life until I have either decided that enough is enough and I start to deal with the fact that I will not have a child or my tx works and I have a child. I cannot bear this in between, in limbo, not knowing stage.

Thanks for listening and understanding

Lili xx


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Lili,

I just wanted to post to you, I know totally where you are coming from. We are lucky enough to have a DS from ICSI no 4, but have since tried for no 2 and  as you see from my signature have had 14 cycles. stopping is sooooo hard, and even now we are going to do Concurrency (foster/adopt) we still have thoughts of ......... if we tried again, maybe it would work.

My heart goes out to you, I have a son, but not a day goes past without me thinking how much i'd like to be pregnant with a second.

good luck with what ever you decide to do.

Fiona


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Hi. I wrote my post before I saw this.

After two failed ICSI's we have decided this is enough. I can't cope with anymore. I am tired of feeling not like me but I have no idea how to make things better or when it will actually happen.

The only thing is that I know is that it will at some point.

I've only ever felt so rubbish before when I got divorced about 8 years ago,I know this is different (there are other men out there, it is not the same with babies).

Try not to feel that you should be in a rush to make any decisions either about whether to go on or not. Like any sort of grieving it takes time and patience (although I am sure my colleagues at work are starting to wonder if my eyes will be anything except red and watery - and none of them know about my treatments). I read advice on an american site today (www.resolve.org) about what you should and should not advise an infertile couple on what to do in this situation, and I have realised that even when you are infertile it is still very easy to say or suggest the wrong thing to someone else who is infertile.

Just try and take one day at a time and plan a few special things with your partner over the next month or so if you can. Be kind to yourself.

x

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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hi, 

It certainly is a difficult decision to make.  I was told when I was 16 yrs old that due to a medical condition that has rendered me infertile in the first place that in my weakened physical state that IVF isn't a good idea and because of my complicated medical background, adoption could be very difficult.  I was on various anti-depressants for three years, and they personally didn't agree with me.  I found that keeping an 'alternative ambition log' really helps me.  I try to list other things that I find important e.g. travelling, learning to drive and getting my first car, going to drama school etc.  I found that as I cross all these things off my list and add new ones it really helps me focus and achieve in other areas.  I find it takes the edge away from the pain.

Hope this helps,

Natalie.


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