# just wanted to say how i feel... i just want a family



## GirlGamer (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi ladies, hope noone minds but i just feel i need to write this down. its only my feelings so dont want anyone to be offended  
just feel so fed up   i fit in here with secondry If but at the same time feel like its not! i do have DD whos 14, i love her so much, i tried for 2 years to concieve her went thru all the pain of the usual If month after month, then was over the moon when she was on her way. All i ever wanted was a family. i can say honestly that i feel so much for these ladies on here who dont have/ or get the chance to have a baby in the first place. my heart goes out, and wotever IF ive been thru since wud never match not having one at all (sure u S IF ladies agree) i still remember now the feeling each month of loss, me a young 22 year old girl wanting a baby so badly. hurting and all that that goes with it all. I always tell people how hard it was for me to get her, how grateful, happy i am how lucky. and il never forget that feeling. then my DH left us when she was just 1. he'd made me go back to work when she was 4 months old. and after that with him left, with no financial support, spent 7 years bringing her up alone working 3 jobs wheile my mum/mum inlaw luckily got to spend more time with my daughter than i cud. i did have happy times and bad times, i had a nervous breakdown at one time, lived on tranquillisers for 3 years and worked hard to keep us. im so proud of her and me for wot we went thru. . but all i wanted was a family, yes id had the baby eventually but it wasnt the family life i was looking for. i resented my ex so much for putting me thru this, for taking away my chance to have a go at ttc again, to miss out on future full siblings, and close together...anyway moving on, i met a new guy, and was scared at first of having another child coz i really dint want to be a single mum again   then after months of facing If once again   turned out he had MF and went on to have ICSI which resulted in BFN. the aftermath broke us up. (thats another long story but will leave it there) so for me a feeling a second time of being let down   again i cudnt have the family i wanted, and all the feelings of that all over again. finding myself at 37 too by this time. i was 24 when i had my daughter. Family life seems to have dodged me in a way that i wanted it. obviously DP was a stepdad but it just wasnt the same, and after his fiding of his MF it just wasnt the same for him and DD   so now........im with a DP who i love soooo much. he concieved a son 2 months after we met as friends, with his future (at the time) wife as she didnt tell him, came off the pill and took it upon herself to have a baby. he now has DS 19 months old, which just kills me every day   i know he left them to be here with me. i feell so jealous   now ive just been refered back to hospital for investigations and am living for the 3rd time IF. i just want a baby with the man i love. a family. i feel frustrated that my secondry IF is like the first time just coz its my first with DP. hope i dont come across wrong here but i can help but feel envy of sec IF'ers who have one with the man they love that want more, not that for one minute i think it hurts any less or is any easier please dont flame me down for this. IF is jsut blooming arfful wotever yr situation   just me feeling low and crap and jealous of my DP's beautiful son, jealous of his ex wife for 1. tricking him and bringing a child into the world just for her own needs 2. for having the one thing in the world i want so bad 3. for it being soooo easy for her to get him 4. for not letting me anywhere near DS and getting to enjoy him and love him too.
annoyed that for the 3rd time i have to live month to month. annoyed that If has ruined one relationship and lots of heartache, and now facing investigations all over again. annoyed and guilty of having to put my beloved DP into this IF world and having to have his sperm looked at with a fine toothed comb. hoping hes fine so it doesnt crush his very natural manly feeling in his bones that my ex DP has had to face. and still does i assume.......just needed to get this lot off me chest  

GGxx


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## louisoscar (Jan 28, 2010)

Hello there. I couldn't read your post and not reply because I can feel your frustration and sadness from your post  So sorry that things haven't worked out as you would have wanted. I am lucky enough to still be with dh and let me tell you he has put up with a lot but we too have been through the mill with investigations etc. I have a ds who is 3 and have had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage at 11 weeks during the 2 years we've been trying to conceive another . All I can tell you is what is helping me with it all at the moment and that is i am seeing a counsellor. I never thought it would get to that stage but a couple of months ago it all got on top of me and I phoned my hospital for some support. The woman I see specialises in bereavement but I know there are 'infertility counsellors' out there too who may be able to help you. It sounds like you (and me) just need to get a lot off your chest and even having a dh doesn't cut it with that!

Wishing you so much luck with your and dp's investigations. 

Louisoscar


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## GirlGamer (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi thanks for replying.. i am mega frustrated about the whole thing yes. i have had councelling for nearly a year until last july, when i was "cured". it did help alot at the time, but at the same time id not been trying that long then with DP and never thought id get to this stage again, i suppose thinking that wham bam thanku mam my prayers wuda been answered by now and not have this awful situation again. think my councelller was happy to let me go, as we'd reached the end of wot she cud do for me, and think she too thought id get caught by now (found out half way thru bles her that she'd had ivf too) . also just to add to extra probs, if i go back to then last july i thought by now my DP and ex wuda sorted stuff between them re a proper separation at the solicitors at least, or start divorce and that his DS wuda had proper arrangements made, and we wuda been able to enjoy him a s a new family. im not allowed near him at the mo, coz of wife and it all adds to the hurt. but cant say owt! i get flamed down   just now hes with Ds for the weekend, he told me he was sorting stuff finally this weekend coz she want to sell the house and move nearer home to her. i was well excited at last! hes just told me on the phone that she wants him to buy another house with her in said village   im furious and just had a big row with him. not that he nessasarily agreed as yet, but said he'd tell her on friday ffs. we arent making her sell, she just wants to move on, its breaking my heart, how can me and him be allowed to move on .. just dlont understand it all .......sorry ive gone all sad now! its just how i feel...thanks again for reply
GGxx


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