# Jealousy - pls do not judge part 2



## Leenaj

Hello I'm starting a new thread because a previous one called bump jealousy stated - warning this thread has not been active for 60 days. I read the previous one and I was screaming yes thats  me, I feel like this. 

I just needed to write this because I feel utterly jealous of other pregnant woman. I'm going to have AF soon so maybe my emotions are heightened. But last night I didn't sleep. As you from my signature,  I have my little bubba and I am so grateful. Those of you who may think shut your whining because at least you have her, I won't be offended at all.

I'm not on ******** because I dont want to see other people announcing pregnancies. When I was pregnant I kept it very hush hush because of fear it will all go wrong. I was scared every day. Anyway last night couldn't sleep for some reason even though I'm knackered with little tinky but I was feeding her and just randomly scrolled down the I pad on my husbands ******** site. Came across one of girls I employed (I'm self employed) and she's pregnant. I know she's young, 25, but it was endless photos of bump o at x weeks, her baby shower, the scan pictures, the baby clothes, babies name already picked. She got pregnant within 2 months of trying and with mild polycystic ovaries. Another girl I know again yes young, pregnant one month of trying and my sister inlaws sister pregnant within 3 months of trying. My cousin with her 3 kids, and another cousin pregnant with her 4th child, my mother inlaw pregnant naturally at 44 making my brother in law now 16, and even my own mother who cried when she was pregnant with my youngest brother accidently and want sure if to keep him. I can't bear to speak to these women sometimes. I can't even speak to my mum because she will tell me off for having such feelings. I  hate feeling like this because they will experience a joy that I hope other people would feel happy for me to have had. Ita wrong but I can't help it...its not them personally, it could be anyone and my mind runs wild. When I see pregnant women, I think oh I wonder I long it took her to get pregnant... 1 month, 2...then I think gosh I'm out of mind thinking stuff like this. I'm wasting my energy. Go away envy and leave me alone 

I feel this fertility journey has traumatised me...i will never forget the tears the heart ache, even though I got my little girl 9 months ago. But I know I want more children and am embarrassed to admit it would be nice to have another 2.theres a little voice in my head laughing at me saying er are you stupid you infertile Moran, 3, in your dreams, jog on love!

I don't know but  I still need to fight but  accept and live with fear.


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## mierran

Hi,
Don't worry. You are not alone. I have 3 and still feel like this sometimes. When my sister got pregnant first month trying and said " we thought it would take longer" I cried inside. When my friend didn't get pregnant the first month trying and told me " now I know how you felt " ( it took me 7 years to have my twins and 3 transfers to have dd2) I couldn't believe it. 
I still want more but feel like it is something I need to hide. Because it may not work again. And I don't want the scrutiny I got with my previous cycles when I was open. ( This will be cycle 9. I am not including over 10 cancelled cycles including natural FET last month as anovulatory cycle. 

Give yourself a big hug and permission to feel like that. And accept it is part of the journey. Maybe when you feel your family is complete it goes but I don't know. 
I have given up discussing with friends and family . I vent on here instead.


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## FertileRoad

Lenja I am so glad you posted albeit over 60 days. I am sittingbtonight phone innhand waiting for the call that my nephews partner of 21 has went into labour. I am ecstatic that new life is nearly here but I am sad albeit mine are 17 months DE I feel hurt that it wasn't my OE plus they got pregnant without trying. I am breaking inside. Ice received the text water broke and again I feel hurt as I didn't get that either as it was emergency c section. I feel dreadful that I have these feelings. I look over my kids and don't see me in them at all but I do see my H in them but I see that in my step kids. How do you cope with this feeling as I am also to be god child to the unborn baby. I will live little one as my own as family but know I will see our family characters in the little one.  X


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## Efi78

Hi leenaj

It's completely normal feeling like this. Do not try to push away these feelings because they will come back stronger. Be like "i feel jealous and i am not going to do anything about it". In this way the feeling will do its cycle and gradually die down.

One more thing that helped me a lot is CBT. It helps loads to talk to a therapist. Believe me you may find things about yourself you never knew they existed. 

Jealousy is a humanly feeling. The culprit is that it is not useful at all. There will always be people who have more than us and people who have less. You may feel jealous for someone who had three children, they may feel jelous of you that you have one and more time for yourself. Or for example I am like "oh how lucky she is she has at least one".

I would also advise you to obtain some new goals in your life so that you are distracted from baby making. Children are a part of our lives, however there is so much more in life. And while they are sweet they may also be a huge burden. Focus on your one year old and try to enjoy her. 

Sorry. I didn't want to provide only comfort but also some advise pn how possibly to overcome this. Life is short and we need to enjoy it as mich as possible


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## magicpillow

Efi78 that's really good advice.  I'm feeling quite jealous and bitter at the moment and very sad.  There are two pregnant women at work and I feel so envious.  For me, a large part of things at the moment are down to the feelings of inadequacy.  I'm the only person in my team at work who doesn't have children and I feel really left out of all the child related conversations as if I'm not part of the club and don't 'know the struggle'.  Just feel less of a person really.


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## Ms G

Evening all,

There’s a lot of good advice and thoughts on here. 

I feel the same Leenaj. My daughter just turned four months and I love her with all my heart. But I think I will always have the pain of the fertility journey and the losses. I can’t stop thinking about a sibling for her. I want it more for her than me now. Once upon a time I would have loved three children. Now I know that I may not have another and I don’t want to miss what I have by being consumed by trying again. 

I feel jealous of people who just get pregnant and speak so confidently about how many more children they will have and how they will time them! What...I can’t comprehend the idea that you decide when to get pregnant and it happens. 

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say that I am struggling with it too. Although I’m eternally grateful for my little girl the hurt hasn’t gone away. 

xx


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## K jade

Ms G said:


> I feel jealous of people who just get pregnant and speak so confidently about how many more children they will have and how they will time them! What...I can't comprehend the idea that you decide when to get pregnant and it happens. xx


^^^^^ totally agree. its incomprehensible to me too. I honestly sometimes wander if im made of plastic inside and that's why nothing ever happens pregnancy wise.


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## Efi78

It is heartbreaking.

For example I have this close friend of mine who keeps sending me all of her relatives and friends pregnancy news. She knows I have had three miscarriages but doesn't know about the IVFs.

She just sent me another picture of another friend's baby. So..
1) If I ever have a baby, which I doubt, I will never ever send her a picture. You don't share your friend's baby pictures with people who don't know your friend
2) I am really ok with seeing babies, however I am wondering whether she is a bit stupid? I would never send baby pictures or announce new pregnancies to a woman who struggles with infertility. Especially when the person is compeltely unknown? I have found out about an unknown  cousin in the US, another friend's baby who I have mever seen. I really don't understand the purpose 

Anyway. All the best to these people who I have never seen and I have seen so much baby photos, but I think I will keep some distance from my friend for a while. This constant baby talk is a bit too much. Actually I would be fed up even If I didn't have fertility issues


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## Leenaj

efi yes thats good advice. still hard to actually put in placem.

i find that im just turning into a recluse. i just find it hard to see other people witj kids. its so insane because  i do have a child. now im battling with 'oh when are you Havinf the next one'. went for a blood test yesterday and thats what thr nurse said... thought if only you knew. im pumping myself with all sorts of immune drugs to try for second one. but i also know. i cant hate the world because they are fertile.. this is my thing and have to live with it...its like living with a secret / burden.. but i have no choice. what will. be will be. but im not giving up i have to keep on trying..


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## cosmopolitan4112008

I also wonder if some people are stupid or selfish. Could be both.i have 2 friends who used to work together and live in the same building. Friend no.1 never achieved a successful pregnancy. Suffered like noone I know; several times almost lost her life. Friend no.2 had minor issues herself, but her husband was young and strong and with some medications got pregnant easily. Throughout her pregnancy she was behaving in a way that everyone knew she was pregnant. At work, she was sparing herself and friend no1 was covering her as much as she needed. Then, a year after birth (6months after i gave birth, after 5 years of infertility and active Ivf trials-14 retrievals and 6 transfers), she came to my house with friend no1and said they would try again soon. I used to work with them, but left the job because i was absent a lot because of travelling abroad for treatment.  i didnt have a lot of info, but friend no1 (she is my best friend at the same time), was telling me some stuff. She managed to get pregnant when her child was less than 2 amd this time ahe got pregnant with twins. At the same time, friend no1 managed to get pregnant and when she was 6 weeks, mc took place. She was treated abroad and was alone at that time. While she was still abroad, she called friend no2 and told her about it and friend no2 told her she was pregnant. For me, this behaviour was so selfish and unacceptable. Had she waited for her to come back and recover a bit would be much better. I told her she shouldnt have told her.she said that she didint want.friend no1.hear from someone else. And while being pregnant, she told friend no1 she was planning on more babies after the twins. I mean....so insensitive. Also, once when she still haf one child, she sent us a msg that was like avrhyme and it referred to cause and consequence. The last line was " when you dont have children, you are alone". I already had my baby, but i reacted immediately. I told her that her msg was very inappropriate and that she should have thought of our friend's feelings. She started apologizing and saying she didnt mean it. Then, what happened...she got fired from her work the day she went to deliver the twins. The place she was working at was firing people and she was one of them. Friend no1 wasnt fired. Along the job, she had to leave the flat that was provided by the company. Her husband didnt have a job at that time. On the top, before she even had her first child, she was taking loans for nothing basically. She didnt buy any property or didnt have any investment, but she took a huge amount and her debt was suffocating her. She managed to work on/off, her husband as well, but they couldnt afford but the basics and even that hardly. The oldest boy was taken out of the nursery and kept in the house most of thw time..twins barely knew the outside world. when the twins were 6 months old, she got pregnant naturally. She got the fourth child. They ended up not being able to pay the rent nor loans. She and her family left the country (she was the foreigner). I think there will be cases against her in the court. So, what i want to say is Somebody above is watching our words, behaviours...do not put salt on somebody else's wound. Karma comes sooner or later.
Ladies, stay strong! You will achieve what you want one way or the other!


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## Efi78

Cosmopolitan, what an interesting story.

I am not so sure whether these people are stupid or mean inside.

The friend I am talking about has had a miscarriage. She had got angry with another friend who asked her if she would like to have a baby, because he week before she had miscarried. Her friend didn't know about the miscarriage. What I mean is that this shows that she does have a sense of what could hurt another

You know it could also be down to jealousy. Sometimes a woman has nothing to show other than motherhood (which is very important of course) and feels competitive towards her friend who might have difficulty getting pregnant but is prettier, succesful, wealthy. And they think that at least on the subject of fertility they can feel some superiority. 

In may case I completely agree with you. Treat people well, as you would like to be treated. I love my friend and I have no jealousy for her and her offspring. But I think I need to keep my distance for a while.

Leenaj

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. All I can say is that you are only 34 and you have plenty of time. I am sure tou will have success again. You will have a second child. At the moment try to enjoy the current baby because time flies and she will have grown up becore you know it


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## lexie26

Hi girls

Just came across this thread and wanted to say thank you. I have encountered a lot of mean and selfish people (even on this forum) who do not understand. After reading your posts I finally feel like I am not alone and I am normal. Good luck to you ladies in everything you do.


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## Efi78

Hi lexie26. 

Of course you ate normal. After all we are all human. 

Yesterday we visited a friend of mine. She has a one year old baby who I love very much. It was all going well. Then a friend of hers came for visit with her gorgeous 3 month old baby girl. We had a great time and I was completely fine. The. Today it hit me and felt very emotional about it that I was the one without a baby and felt really emotional about it. Maybe it's the fact that AF is on its way but I am weeping all day today. And wish I were in their place. Sigh...i am so hurt


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## Efi78

Hi all

So here I am on the jealousy thread. I love this thread because we can pour our heart out with no guild and say things we can't say openly to friends.

So i have just been to a brunch with two friends. One of them was due to start IVF next month due to very low AMH and severe MFI. Guess what. Surprise pregnancy. I feel happy for her but feel a bit down for me. It eventually works for even the people that have problems but never for me. 

I am also really annoyed when it is announced on my face, when they know someone is going through fertility struggles. I was so sensitive towards my friends to make sure I don't announce any pregnancy on their face and hurt them.

Anyway. All the best. If it ever happens to me I will make sure I don't tell on their face.

On a positive note...it is encouraging to see that someone with these fertility problems falls pregnant naturally...


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## magicpillow

Oh Efi I could have written that myself.  Although those surprise pregnancy ones when it's people who have problems are great, it's never me!  I agree too that it's hard when they tell you to your face.  A friend text me today to tell me she's pregnant with her second as she wanted to let me know before a group meet up.  I was very thankful for that.  She's had trouble conceiving and two miscarriages in between which although it devastating, I still feel jealous she didn't need IVF. 

I feel like I need to offload all the things I feel jealous about at the moment, which is a lot!  Going through a very bitter phase right now. 

I'm jealous of: 
- People who get pregnant easily around the age of 40 and don't miscarry (as the stats are so low that how the hell do they manage it?)
- Those who haven't needed IVF to get pregnant 
- Those who have had a miscarriage but have managed to conceive easily and it happens easily again (not diminishing in any way the pain of miscarriage but it's so hard when it happens after going through a full IVF cycle and you know there is no chance of getting pregnant again without spending 7k and putting your body and emotions through hell again). 
- Those who have needed IVF but it works for them on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd go (getting bitter here after 2 iuis and 4 fresh IVFs)
- People who have IVF success and haven't had to go through miscarriage (feel awful saying that as going through several IVFs is   )
- People who can have a child that is genetically related to both of them and don't have to use donors on either side

I had to get that off my chest but now feel like the biggest      It's just how I feel though.  Of course it's awful if someone has to go through 3 rounds of IVF but where I'm at in my journey, if it's worked for them in the end, I'm still jealous.  Working in a team full of women of child bearing age is a killer as I'm constantly hyper vigilant for who will be pregnant next.  Someone is getting married this month who is 40 and I'm expecting her to annouce in 3 months time.  It's terrible!


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## lexie26

bless you ladies. you have been through so much and are so strong. sending you lots of hugs


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## Efi78

Magicpillow
Feel nonguiöt about venting out. It's cathartic and healthy. What is the difference with going to a psycologist? Recognising and accepting your feelings helps one deal with grief and also avoid illness. If you don't vet out pain will be internalised and turn to illness. Vent out, accept your completely normal and humanly feelings.

Here I go:

If feel jealous of people who fall pregnant and never have to go through a miscarriage.
I feel angry when I see couples who don't love or respect each other having children
I feel angry when people know of my struggles to announce pregnancies on my face


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## Efi78

Please do not judge. Overall I am not jealous of other women and I am dealing with infertility gracefully and with dignity.

But yesterday got too much. A friend of my sister in law visited with her two girls 3 and 5. The girls were so so perfect and this triggered my sadness why can’t I have this. After that we went to meet a friendly couple. The girl is pregnant 8th month and I felt so worthless and inferior. We ordered drinks, she couldn’t drink and the waiter asked “are you pregnant as well”? Oh God, give me a break. 

I was so sad this morning. Wanted to stay alone but I had to keep my tears because in laws visited.

I have been offered a new highly paid job, super for my career but it’s not what I want. I would like to stay at home and raise kids. That’s all I want. Sigh....


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## StrawberrySundae

Hi Efi,

I’m so sorry and I know exactly how hard it is. Sounds like a really tough day yesterday   You did well to put up with all that. 

I experienced a lack of support and insensitivity at times like people at work shoving their scan photos in front of my face which was hard. I’m 45 and finally in my 3rd trimester after 9 transfers & 6 miscarriages, so please don’t give up or stop visualising yourself having a baby if it’s really important to you. 

Congratulations with your job, that sounds one not to be turned down and really good news, even if you’d rather swap it (and hopefully will) for a different lifestyle when that happens.

Lots of love to you   xx


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## Efi78

StrawberrySundae

Thanks for your support. Unfortunately very often we have to put a brave face and a smile and get on with it. 
To be fair there was no insensitivity on their part and did nothing to hurt me. After all what can they do? Hide the bump or have no children because we can’t have one? Should we cut down ties with friends because they have children? Nope. It’s just that sometimes it gets too much and triggers sad feelings. You can’t avoid feelings of envy and grief, not because you are not happy for them, but because it triggers my feelings of loss. I guess it will never go completely away but as time goes by it will heal. 

I see from your signature that you had success at SERUM greece. What is your opinion on them? How many cycles did you have? Own eggs, donor eggs?


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## StrawberrySundae

Yes it doesn’t sound like they were being insensitive, that’s just what I sometimes had to put up with. 

I like Peny at Serum, she is very motherly & supportive, I think the clinic is ok and possibly more approachable than some others. They’ve had good results for some people, I’m sure some of it is down to luck as well.  

I did 2 or 3x OE with Serum - clomid embryo banking (1 twin M/C) and then 2x DD. They were all FET’s. The last transfer was done a few days earlier than usual for me and also coincided with ending/changing jobs, going part-time and starting out on extra immune meds after going to the Recurrent Miscarriage clinic in London a couple of times. I did Serum’s hysteroscopy but it was over a year before my final transfer, so the implantation cuts by then would’ve healed up, although I did have antibiotics at the time for slight inflammation.


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## Choupi15

Hey Leenaj 

Thanks for starting this Group. basically i feel the same. Everyone in my family cousins and even friends at work are pregnant.  Me all these prayers staying positive i am seeing no two pinks line yet. My husband and I are dying for a baby, i sometime feels so hopeless and scared of the what if   this journey is so hard. I am looking for clinics and maybe go for my fourth Round lets see


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## Efi78

StrawberrySundae - Congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds like you have had a rough ride but everything worked out in the end. 
I have heard a lot about SERUM in this website. They seem to work only with non-Greeks. Me being Greek I have never heard of them. 

Choupi15 - Completely feel for you. I have been living in London for 16 years now. I am in the weird situation where in my circle of friends everyone has fertility problems.it makes you think because all of us are very healthy, started trying at 32-34, so not that old, and all of us have lived for around 15-20 years in London. My family and friends in Greece all had healthy kids, started trying at around the same age as us. None of them goes to the gym, they have weight issues, diabetes etc. Another friends in Italy  same situation. From 34-38 three wonderful healthy children. Also, most of us inLondon had mainly male factor. Our husbands all work in banking, are lawyers, doctors etc. So maybe high pressure and stress at work are contributing factors?

I don’t know. It makes me think whether it’s the food we eat in London, the stress, lack of sun maybe? Very weird indeed. 

I feel a bit better today. I guess not being in greece around moms helps a lot. But it was so painful the previous days.


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Efi78-I never have a problem with my thyroid( I live in the Middle East) except in the UK. Then I came across some studies saying that there is a high level of fluoride, if I remember well, in potable water there that interrupts the thyroid function. So, it might be something that affects men as well. 
Regarding Serum, I had them coordinate with my US dr who did the tailoring of my immune protocol. Those ladies at Serum know their job, I dan tell you. I’m not sure regarding their immune protocol because I know they prescribe it, but I followed the same one that was successful with my first child.
I wish you all good luck and your emotions are completely validated! Don’t be ashamed of them!


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## Choupi15

Hey Efi78 i know what you mean. I am in London too , i try to eat Organic as much as i can or do the healthy bit . But lately i have just let it go after my Failed cycle in August. Like Jeez people who are so unhealthy and drinks a lot getting pregnant just like that. I am currently Looking for clinics in to Cycle , my last one was a GUYS. 

i take Thyroid medication 25 mg , and i seem to put on weight much quicker when am on it . Plus Lately my hair is falling a lot, frustrating me alot. 

Ladies Good Luck to you , i wish you all of us baby dust


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## Leenaj

Hi all, 

Hope you are all well. I haven't been on for a while as I had my second baby 4 months ago. So how do I feel about things now ...

Even after a second child, i feel again bad to say it that I still suffer envy when I see pregnant women especially those that I know..so I suppose im still a cow for feeling like that , feelings are feelings the end of the day and it's really irrational to feel like this but that's me, and I can't help it. I have thoughts when someone tells me their pregnant and they are younger than me and I think gosh it must be so nice to plan your life like that ( most people I know have planned it ). I get jealous because im 38 next week and I would have liked to have had my children earlier if I could have and with a larger age gap between them as currently it's around 2 yrs and it's not easy to manage them, but I had no choice and had to just get on with it. I again didn't have a baby shower because I was again negative and worried sick it would go wrong and I didn't tell many people at all, just my mother actually. I avoid baby showers if I can but it's not always possible. And I was super jealous when I met my husband's cousin who was pregnant and started putting the scan pictures up at 3 months on the family what's app group, I wanted to just delete them. And I was even more jealous when she started mentioning only buying neutral clothes as when she has a second one they can reuse them. I couldn't help but think second one, why is she talking about a second one...in my head I wanted to cello tape her mouth and walk off , because I remember that having even one child was a miracle let alone a second one . 

I know if I was someone reading this you may think shut up because you have 2 kids now and I still have none and it's not fair. I agree but as I say please don't judge, as I know this is all in my head. Maybe when im really old and not of child bearing age ( don't know why I would be classed as child bearing as iv never been properly child bearing material  have I ), these feeling will stop...but for now im ok with being a cow because this whole experience has made me like that.


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## Efi78

Leenaj,

Congratulations on your second baby! 

Fertility is a psychological rollercoaster and can affect all of us in different ways. It may leave deep scars even after we have children. 
No judgement here. I hope all goes well and scars heal as time goes by. 
All the nest to you and your young family


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