# Chosing not to adopt



## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hello Ladies  

I was just wondering why we have all chosen to give CFL a go rather than go down the road of adoption ?

Personally for me I don't think I have totally ruled it out for ever but I had a terrible experience with a sw a few years ago when we enquired about adoption, she really put me down and belittled me, after she left I felt like I would be totally useless so did not bother going ahead, I have learned alot about myself since then and I now know that she was wrong to make me feel like that and maybe I was just too sensitive at the time   

At the moment I just do not have the desire to be a Mum, I am learning to accept that I will not have children of my own and the desire to be a Mum to any other child is just not there, maybe I am just healing my wounds and my feelings may change in the future, but it would be interesting to hear your own views on this.

Love Dydie xxxxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

I chose not to adopt because we wouldn't be able to adopt as a couple because my husband is 62. I also think the process would be too painful and intrusive, especially given that you can become someone's step mum or dad with no checks whatsoever. We also took the decision not to try ivf either, so have had to come to terms with living childfree quite early on after discovering pregnancy would be unlikely. It is tough at times, but I think I am more bothered by it than my husband. He has a son (although estranged) and three step kids who look to him like a dad, so he is lucky in that respect, whereas I haven't had that opportunity. However, you never know what the future has in store.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi dydie and Lucy
Its an interesting topic that you have raised and one that we have all probably thought about during the IF path..
Dydie i feel sad about the social worker who treated you this way 'who is she to make any judgement on anyone'..i think that you had a great way of turning it into a positive and that was to look at yourself and what you want from life...that takes a lot of guts especially when you had such a knock back..
Lucy it seems that you had to address dealing with living child free and thoughts on adoption very early in your life and maybe prematurely. ..i read your posting on introductions and i felt very sad that you are experiencing this alone...Please find away to be true to your feelings because eventually it may jump back and hit you in the face... But this is a shared thing between you and your partner and not you on your own.....its about peace of mind and i feel sad that maybe you are not finding that peace at the  moment Lucy?...( i not sure we all do but it helps being able to share your true feelings not matter what). I hope i haven't spoken out of line....
I know from experience we had hiccups about approaching adoption in the past and i put my marriage on the line but i had to express what my desires were at the time. Its not that i was going to adopt it was about having options at a desperate time in your life....i felt relieved that we did talk about it and this helped us to move forward. I knew he did not want to adopt and at this present time i do respect that and like Dydie i am not sure if i really want it. Maybe if i was ten years younger this may have made a difference because we have now become alittle selfish.. I also think maybe its not the answer what are we trying to 'fix' will it only be short term and then you still feel sad that you have not managed to have your own...
All the best in whatever paths that you follow...
love astridxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Hi Astrid,

Thanks.  It is quite tough, but I have decided that there are no other options for me. I love my husband and I don't want to do ivf, so that's it really. Just have to see how things go over the years, but I am determined that I can have an exciting and fulfilling child free life.

L
x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi lucy
I was alittle worried that i may have put my foot in it....i am relieved that i haven't...
I really feel for all the girls on this thread because we have had to face all the angles of Infertility..and when it comes to the end of the road its so hard..
I understand when you say that you love your hubby and that you want to make the most of your life. I totally understand where you are coming from and i think i am in the same position as yourself..I could go for another Ivf and like you i couldn't face it..so we have to look at the positive things in life and make the most of what we have got....there is a reason so i am told but i am not sure what yet...
Have you thought of the workshop in November there are 5 of us going and i am sure this will help us to move forward..A chance for you and us to express how we really feel....what do you think?
You know where i am if you want to chat....
love astridxxx


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Lucy
How frustrating is it that you cannot adopt due to DH age yet you could adopt as a single parent!!! Who makes these stupid rules eh!


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