# its all over



## Babytears (Jan 16, 2011)

hi girls,

we have just had our last and final round of ivf and not surprisingly had a BFN this morning. 

i dont really know what to say now. i think i feel numb, maybe shocked. after my second round of ivf i grieved a hell of a lot. i went through the desperation, panic, frustration, anger and i think i sobbed everyday for five months. im a nanny so have always looked after babies and children up to teenagers so know every milestone there is to know about children. i was so looking forward to having my own family. those dreams have been taken away from me. i cant believe i am never going to be pregnant, give birth, hold my own child, choose my babies name, never having those special cuddles. just so unfair. 

adoption isnt an option for us. my oh has said he doesnt want to and i cant say im upset by that decision for some reason. maybe because i look after other peoples children for a living it means so much to have our very own. we arent going down the egg donor or sperm donor route either. we dont want to and even if we did we have to much debt as it is now with infertility credit. 

im just rambling i think. im really looking for others out there is my position as i feel so lonely. all my friends have babies now or are pregnant so have no friends at all without children. anybody else out there that needs a childless friend that understands them?.....


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## Mel99 (May 20, 2010)

Babytears,
I am so sorry to hear your journey is over, I don't think anyone can understand the overwhelming feeling of loss when you have to accept that you will never have your own baby. 
I have recently finished my 3rd and final IVF cycle  and another BFN for me,  in the last 3 months there have been 3 new babies born to friends and family and  it just doesn't seem fair.  What I am struggling to come to terms with is just how much it hurts and how pointless I feel. 
I am sorry not doing a good job of helping you am I. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone , there are others like me who understand and although I am having a bad day today I am hopeful that tomorrow or the next day might be a bit easier and hopefully in the near future it won't hurt quite as much


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## Babytears (Jan 16, 2011)

Thanks Mel for your reply. Sorry for you not having success either. You have helped thanks just being in the same situation. The sense of lose and pointlessness is just devastating isnt it. Im so worn out with my own tears im getting banging headaches. I have read other posts and it's obvious to see we are all going through the same emotions. Like you i have 3 people around me pg. My SIL is pg again with her third. She text me to say never give up hope. Ha ok. Grr it's exactly what I do have to do! I told her I cannot live in hope any longer as it's mental torture!!!! I have to accept I'm never going to be a mum so I can heal and move on with other dreams. Bring on the dreams?! My neighbours ivf worked so I now have to watch her revel in every stage and a best friend. I'm just avoiding them. I really cannot bare to face them can you?

I've booked my first telephone counselling session for next Tuesday. I wish I didn't have to work I just want to curl up. Are you going for any counselling? Is your oh supportive? Are you going to adopt or live child free? That is so tough to write. I just can't wait til it stops hurting so much.

Living for an easier day to start counting my blessings. Thx again Mel xx


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## Mel99 (May 20, 2010)

Babytears - just wanted to pop on and say hi to you. 
I do know what you mean I go between wanting to curl up and just forget it all to ranting and raving about the injustice of it all - is not making for a very calm home at the moment. My hubby is just so sad too, he tries to be positive but I know he is devastated - well we take it for granted don't we that it will just happen and when it won't no matter what you do you can't help but feel cheated I guess. 
I know people don't mean to but they really do roll out the cliches don't they, sometime I wish they would just say I am so sorry for your heartache and leave it at that. 

I have a birthday party to go to in a couple if weeks - its happening during the day because the birthday girl just had a baby and she has invited all her ante natal class along - I've decided if any of them ask when I plan to have children I'm going to tell them I can't they can squirm with discomfort for a few minutes instead of me ( see the rage bit I was talking about)
We would like to adopt , although after a conversation with LA not sure how that is going to pan out - can't do anything for at least 6 months so going to try and get my head back in order. Remember you are not alone and nothing you feel no matter how angry / sad / jealous / cheated etc is wrong .
Take care of yourself and message me anytime
Mel x


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## Babytears (Jan 16, 2011)

thanks mel, ive pmed you xxx


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