# Very Hurt



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

This is going to be a 'me' post, so if you're squeamish, look away now... 

A very close friend of mine suffers from depression and had an episode yesterday, during which I was told that I will be a hopeless mother and that I have no clue and that I am only doing it so I can "play dollies"

I know that it is the illness talking, however, I am very hurt by this as this person has given me so much support so far and I cannot understand what has prompted this attack.  I know that this person is probably feeling like they will get less of my time once LO arrives, I just wonder how such horrible words can be said and I know that I will be expected to get over it because it's just another 'episode'. 

I'm not for a minute entertaining thoughts that what has been said is true - just feeling very hurt about it and am struggling to understand why?

Onwards and upwards as they say


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Summer that is awful going to log on to my my laptop to give a full response x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I am in no way unsympathetic to mental health, my SIL had postnatal depression and had my full support and sympathy. I have also had my own issues and a lot of therapy. 

However depression is not an excuse for vicious nastiness. Depression causes low mood, motivational issues, negative thoughts, affects appetite the list could go on HOWEVER makes you say awful things to friends and family is NOT on that list. 

Your friend in my opinion is using her depression as an excuse to hurt others round her so she isn't the only one hurting. This is totally unacceptable and they need telling this. If not for yourself then for her. If she continues like this she will end up with no one who will spend time with her. Also your LO cannot hear such things so she needs to know you won't tolerate this now. 

I hate confrontation and or causing any upset however this person has crossed such a serious line that even I would have to either say something or just avoid them and cut them off. 

Sorry you have had to put up with this. x x x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Summer, this sucks! I'm so sorry! 

I think you're right in everything you say; it's the illness talking, she's a wee bit jealous etc, but as DIY says, it's not an excuse.

I've been closely involved with depression as an illness and am therefore very sympathetic to it's debilitating effects, but it doesn't control your tongue and your friend still chooses what she says. It's better not to be around others when the episode starts if the reaction is normally verbal abuse. There have been times in my life when I've lashed out due to how I'm feeling inside, and although I know that's why I've done it, it isn't schizophrenia - I am in control of my own mouth and I do take responsibility for it.

Your friend needs to accept responsibility for what she's said, no excuses, and apologise. Because frankly, with friends who say things like that, who needs enemies?! You've got a very emotional few months ahead of you and you need only people who can say loving and supportive things to you, not people who make it about themselves. Adoption is pretty much a selfish time; you put yourself and LO first. If it happens again during early placement when you will be at your most vulnerable, don't be afraid to suspend your relationship for a time to protect yourself. In the early days an unpleasant individual whom I didn't even know - had never met before but knew a friend - came up to me and upset me greatly. She was interfering, rude, nosy and obnoxious. This had a very unsettling effect on me and I had never met her before....had if been a friend I'd have been in bits! I cried afterwards in private and it ruined my day. Don't let anyone make you feel bad in the early days, seriously, and if they do, come and find us lot, your adoption buddies, and we'll stick up for you and make you feel better  

(Or jab her with a crochet hook    )
Xx


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

I'm really sorry your friend hurt your feelings, I'm sending you a hug xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think depression can make you feel a bit detached and as if your living your life in a haze, so im guessing having a bit of a loose tongue could be a bit easier than normal.  But and this is a big but, its still totally and utterly unacceptable and something that i think you should confront her about.  I mean i thought that people with mental health issues wanted to be treated as a person first and then second recognised that they have a mental health issue? Iv been there with severe depression, i hurt my best friend but never cos i was mean and nasty to hear, i hurt her by my own actions to myself.  Believe me that took a lot of getting over for her, let alone if i had said something like that.  She is a person first and has a condition second, now would you let anyone else speak to you like that? No i doubt it, treat her the same then.


I remember when me and my dh had our wedding party his best friend at the very last moment (on the day) said he couldn't make it as he had loads of studying to do for uni.  He has bi poler, my dh was really upset but kept on saying maybe hes had an episode, no that was not the case he hadn't been organised and left his uni work till the last minute, i was furious.  It reminded me that as a person he was very selfish, the friendship was never the same since.  I think we can allow a certain amount but please dont let someone take advantage of your good nature.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

so sorry you've been upset by your friend   
i kind of agree with the others.I dont think her depression is an excuse for saying such nasty things..as cow eyes says, perhaps the loosesness of her tongue is as a result of her being in a negative place but thats still not a good enough reason to hurt somone you supposedly care about. 
if this is her track record I would be wary of being too close with her whlst you are going through the process, you could do without her 'helpful'   advice, you need support and love, and she doesnt seem able to give it just now..you can still be friends but i would keep her at arms length


kj x


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thank you so much ladies!

Your support is so invaluable and thank you for sharing your own personal experiences with mental health. 

I particularly like your suggestion to use the Crochet Hook as a weapon Mummy Elf - perhaps I'll leave it lying around somewhere (like a chair) in an upright position so that it pokes my friend in the derriere!

I agree about having a degree of separation now that these words have been said.  The reality is that when you have children (through whatever means) your priorities change and I think that that's been a bit of a realisation for my friend that I won't always be able to be there in the way that I have been in the past.  I also think that it's a case that as she already has children of her own, she in some ways feels like the 'elder' with lots of experience and knowledge that she thinks that I will need to rely on.

She is but one drop in the ocean that is my loving support network of family and friends and whilst I would dearly love for her to be a part of things, it's not the be all and end all. 

What I find a shame is that she is engaging in alienating behaviours now at a time when she could be a part of something bright and wonderful.  Sadly, she's letting the 'black dog' of depression win.  

At the moment, my emotions are that of sadness and hurt for her.  Anger, as we all know from the SARAH model of grieving is probably just around the corner (and that's when the crochet hook will come in handy MummyElf hee hee) 

Thanks all - you've cheered me up xx


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Summer,  big hugs.  You certainly didn't need that at this point in your adoption journey.  You are obviously a very kind and understanding friend.  Many of us who are far less charitable would just think your "friend" is a total cow  

I had a similar upsetting experience with my sister a couple of weeks before LO came home.  My sister who has suffered from depression for many years told me I was a useless mother to our 11 yr old child and shouldn't be allowed more children.  This was triggered because I couldn't babysit her child when she was feeling low.  Coincidentally my sister often feels low at any time good things happen to other people,  she has also felt low and had massive tantrums days before my wedding, when I finally fell pregnant with DS and when we decided to adopt to have a second child.

I totally accept that depression is a horrible and debilitating illness, however it does not excuse selfish and *****y comments.  You have worked too long and hard to get to this point.  She doesn't deserve to be part of your wonderful experience of becoming a mum if she can't do it positively. 

We should seriously campaign for the right to be a bit more selfish as adopters.

 and take care.

Jules xx


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Cheers Jules 

You are right - it does seem that whenever positive things happen (which is pretty regularly   ) the downward spiral begins for her. 

Just have to leave her to get on with it.  In the meantime, it's only 25 sleeps until I meet my little one for the first time  xx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Summer I had same thing with my cousin, who is pregnant again and suffering with depression. Phoned her day of my op on my elbow to tell her how it went and all I got was how she was pregnant and didn't want to be with 5th child. The following week I wasn't up to seeing her and her brood due to still being out if sorts after op so asked if we could take a rain check. Also couldn't de with her whinging about her pregnancy and her four kids. Was taken to lunch that day by my grandmother and my cousin decided to fall out with me because of me going to lunch. Wouldn't have minded so much but was honest with her....and couldn't use my hand to make a sandwich at time so it was either grandmother took me out or ready snacks with minimal preparation. She was vile to hubby about us said we would he crap at parenting because she thought hubby was not very proactive, despite us bailing them out countless times by looking after children. She was full of praise for us when we were running around after them all. Feel completely let down by it all. It's not you hun it's them  Have had low mood myself but wouldn't dream if making someone feel that crap or rub their faces in it either.  Chin up xxx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Summer - wanted to send you hugs sweetie, depression is no excuse for being rude and hurtful. Take care my darling


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thank you so much everyone. 

Really appreciate all your positive wishes and advice  

Am now counting down the days until I meet my little one for the first time (21 sleeps to go!)

Lots to be happy about in my little world


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