# Antidepressants



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Not sure if this is the best place to post this. Anyway, long story short. This year has been s***. One failed IVF cycle, one relationship breakdown, and various other sources of stress has resulted in me feeling very low. Still able to function, go to work etc, etc. But, avoiding people (apart from colleagues obviously) and focussing on paying off debts over the next 2 years so that I can try again (or look at other options). I think antidepressants alongside counselling would help, but I'm scared about how this might affect my future plans to have children using DE IVF or adoption. Hence, I'm holding back and plodding on. Some days I feel ok, but most of the day I feel down and it's difficult to find pleasure in things like I used to. Don't know what to do... Oh, and I'm worried about the side effects (especially impact on sex drive etc  ).... Any thoughts?


----------



## Kiwi16 (Mar 21, 2013)

Hi Gaia,

I don't know about adoption but my 10 week old son is a de baby. I was never asked if I have ever taken anti depressant (even by the counsellor). I'm sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. All the best and take care of yourself. Are you seeing a counsellor/therapist? Maybe try that. When I started my therapy I was pretty sure I was depressed (I cried every day to and from work on the tube for weeks!), she wisely showed me I wasn't depressed just grieving for the baby I didn't think I could have

X kiwi


----------



## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

So sorry you are feeling like this honey, but just remember it's completely normal to be feeling sad after what you have been through. The fact that you are aware of how low you are is really important - you might be plodding on a pasting a smile on, but you aren't denying your feelings  

With regards to adoption I can only go on what we have been advised. We have been to a few open evenings and spoke to a few SWs. They have made it very clear that we need to have "dealt" with our emotions properly and drawn a line under any hope of a biological child. They asked that we have time "off" after failed treatments and applying: one said a year, one said 6 months and one said they don't have a minimum and treat every case on it's own merits. When I asked about the fact I have had issues with stress/anxiety in the past they said most people on their books have had some kind of problems in that regards, but that it's only problem if it's hidden from them or not dealt with. They did say obviously every case is different, but they would want to see evidence that we had worked through the issues (e.g. Counselling) and had "learnt" from it and "dealt" with what had caused the problems. One place (a VA) did acknowledge that for some people they will always need certain medication for MH issues and that they still be able to adopt as they treat MH like physical health and everything is on it's own merits.

Sending you lots of love and hugs for whatever you decide to do, but if you are thinking you need some extra support I really hope you seek it. I know it's a cliche but it's harder to admit you need the help and support, but it's also the most natural thing too. You have been through a hard time, don't be tough on yourself and make it harder  

I hope that makes sense xxx


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi gaia, am sorry too that you're having such a tough time. Saying that IF is difficult is the understatement of all time! Like you I've been 'functioning' for a long time. But yesterday I gave up and accepted that I need a bit of time out from work or I'm going to go under.

I share your worry about adoption and antidepressants. I echo everything that cloudy has said and hope that most local authorities/adoption agencies really do acknowledge how these things impact us. I work with parents who have serious mental health problems and it doesn't always result in children being removed (rarely happens actually in my experience) so don't see why people in our position should be badly thought of if we end up needing help. When I had info sent out to register an interest though one of the questions on the form was whether you are/have taken antidepressants. Made me unsure and as a result I've not gone to the GP. 

Counselling can only ever be good though; if you can't get on with the first one you meet just try again as they all have different ways/approaches. Find what suits you. Would definitely recommend that. A lot of employers offer this as a service to staff so may be worth checking out.

With regards to money, again I feel your pain. Don't want to encourage you to notch up more but have you thought of joining a Credit Union? They gave me a loan for stuff I needed done at home when had no other funds and couldn't get a loan elsewhere. I'll be using them again if I need further treatment. They're a not-for-profit collective and strive to reduce poverty by helping people save and borrow at affordable rates. May be worth looking into so you don't have to wait two years, here we know exactly how precious time is in that regard. Good luck whatever you decide   xx


----------



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Kiwi16, Cloudy and MissMayhem - Thank you for all of your replies.

I'm not seeing a counsellor, but have made enquires to start in September. Have been offered it on a sliding scale for the time being (wouldn't be able to afford or commit to it otherwise). Start in September hopefully. I recently had counselling through work, but only 6 sessions unfortunately. I've had a lost of losses this year (not just IVF) so feeling depressed is inevitable really  . I'm going to commit the next two years to clearing my debts and dealing with all the emotional stuff so that I am truly ready to give my all to any child I am blessed with.

Miss Mayhem, your job seems similar to mine. I'm sorry you've been struggling for a long time too. It can be especially hard when you are working with people with mental health problems (and frequently social issues too) and I commend anyone who works in this area. It is particular hard when you're working through you're own difficulties and so important to reach out for support and do what you need to take care of You. 

Never thought of joining a credit union MissMayhem. To be honest I just want to be rid of all of my debts. They are what's contributing to my low mood and self-esteem. I'm starting to process that I'm never going to give birth to my biological child. So the time factors isn't so imperative anymore. I'm also single at that moment due to a breakdown in my relationship during IVF. I would like to meet somebody who would like to have a child with me - and who knows what will happen in the next two years. We'll see. Think they counselling will be extremely beneficial alongside taking practical steps towards being debt free. I'll keep an open mind.

Regarding the antidepressants. I remain undecided. Feeling ok today - so we'll see. 

Wishing you all the best on your respective journey's.


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi gaia, glad today is a better day for you.  I won't ask what your debts are, but it may well be worth joining a CU anyway. They wouldn't loan you enough in the beginning to consolidate but they may after a little while. They really are very good, my last was for essential home maintenance so I had not far off £5k but am certain they would've been prepared to offer me more, and they don't use your credit rating against you. My credit rating has been squeaky clean all my adult life but, like you, a relationship I had left me with the responsibility of a lot of financial baggage that wasn't mine. With my CU it's just over two years on it's paid in full. I was paying £200 per month, that was split between loan repayment and savings. Last off I increased it to £300 and then had enough savings to clear the balance in full. As of last month the loan is cleared and I now have £390 odd saved already. And with some organisations they can take it straight from your pay so you get where you hardly even notice it going. I really can't recommend them enough


I wish you luck over the next few months and your two year plan. Really hope that you meet someone who shares your hopes and qualities. If not though, don't let that stop you. We all know that, in an ideal world, having both parent is the best option. But in the work that we're in we know that often one parent is better than both in some circumstances.

Good luck   and remember we're all here if you need us. xx  

PS Is there no way your employer won't give you extra sessions? I got quite a few more out of mine once they realised that would stop me going off sick. May be worth a try?


----------



## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Gaia & MissMayhem - i too work with people/families who have additional needs and difficult circumstances. I think when we work closely with people like this we should automatically be allocated counselling on a regular basis as part of our job (on works dime and in works time of course) even if it was just an hour a month to "vent".   

MissMayhem - totally understand what you mean about how bad things can be and children are still left in the home, it's very hard to cope with, especially during difficult times in our treatment xxx


----------



## wilberdoo (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi all

I'm in a different but similar situation and just wanted to add my   .

My dh is completely infertile and we will need to use a sperm donor.  I'm still struggling with this tbh. Over the last two years or more I've really struggled emotionally due to that, money issues and job stress. Dh had an affair and our marriage nearly needed after we emigrated to Australia. I was on anti depressants for a year and they really helped straighten me out so I wasn't crying all the time and feeling so low and inadequate. That and counselling have been brilliant. I have just come off them as thought I was ok but over the last few weeks realise I'm not really and still need their support. I'm going back to the docs today to go back on them.  We can't start treatment until later next year, my body is crying out for a baby and there are just no guarantees ... But what can you do?

I suppose I posted this to say there is no shame in taking them... And I don't think it's an issue when using a donor if you're up front. I'd rather be a stable mum on tablets than an emotional wreck! My friend said yesterday, if you broke your leg you'd need a crutch... It's the same thing. I like that analogy ☺ Life is too short to be unhappy so feel we should do everything we can to help ourselves when we are faced with all this life crap xxxxx


----------



## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi Wilberdoo. Sounds like you've had an exceptionally tough time  of it, IF on its own is unbearable so full credit to you for getting through so far with all the additional stuff. Huge respect and   to you. I totally agree that there is no shame at all in taking anti depressants and I hope you don't think I was suggesting that, just at the moment for me I'm terrified that if I go for adoption I will be discounted because of it. My own paranoia probably but am also trying to come to terms with the fact that DH's ex will get a say on whether I'm 'fit' to be a parent when she's only just hovering above the mark where her own child hasn't been taken from her. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm still really struggling and walked out of work the other day as had had enough of the pretence. I went to see my GP today who was lovely but sadly ineffective as should she have asked just one or two questions some of the truth may have come out. She asked nothing, told me I'm worrying over nothing (she wouldn't say that if she saw me mid-rage) but has at least agreed to do some blood tests to check my hormones as I'm beginning to wonder if they're out of sync as I am soooooo angry lately, even more so than my usual IF grief.

And cloudy am with you too. It is very hard dealing with people when you're dealing with this. I love my job and love helping people. Generally, even in the worst circumstances I'm able to see cause and effect and appreciate how someone's early life experiences sadly lead to them making very poor decisions for themselves and their children (put very simplistically I know). Recently though? Young mother, drinks, takes drugs, lost two kids already, having third, who knows how many terminations along the way, new abusive partner. Can't do it. Fifteen year old teens, massive family problems, pregnant accidentally with no desire or wish for it to happen. Can't do that either. I hate that I can't be as caring and compassionate as I used to be. And I hate that I can't pick a baby up and fuss it any more. It's not me, I'm not the person I've become.  I may be in a better position than you though Cloudy as my employer does give free sessions - six of them! I have my last in three weeks so best slap my smile on and sort myself out by then eh!? Previously they were more supportive but in the current financial climate the most important things usually get hit first.

Sorry, am so angry today. Promised myself I wouldn't post when I am yet here I am again. My counsellor drew a diagram for me, a big black scribbly ball and labeled it IF. She tried to demonstrate how at the minute it's consuming everything about me. Then she drew different circles around it and labelled them with nice, fun, happier things. Trying to help me see that by placing my focus elsewhere the IF doesn't go away, and I don't have to 'give up' on it but it doesn't have to define me quite so much. I'm going to try drawing my own. Next problem is where to put it though as doubt it'll do any good on my fridge, my pudgy bikini photo doesn't see to stop me going in there so may have to think of somewhere else where it can remind me! 

Hugs   and   for you all, and here's to feeling more stable and putting ourselves first once in a while.xxx


----------

