# BAD breakup AND ivf failure



## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Dear girls, 
i gave my boyfriend a last chance to decide whether he wanted to try to have a baby with me or not and he answered that he is confused and that he doesnt know when he will be sure. After i got  this answer i decided to have an ivf with a sperm donor. 
So i started the ivf procedure and at the same time i kept distance from my boyfriend to prepare him for the end of our relationship. I was very sad and i wasnt emotionally ready for embryo transferring and thought i should just do embryo freezing. But on the day of egg collection i just decided it. I said to my doctor to transfer the embryo if i have one. After 3 days i went to the clinic. I only had one embryo to transfer and i did it. My boyfriend kept calling me, i stopped calling him and told him i need distance from him. I had told him that i would do egg freezing. We met that day of egg collection. I didnt tell him i would procceed with a donor. I was ready to break up with him anyway. But on the days of embryo transferring and resting i was even more distant from him. I didnt want to break up with him these days because i didnt want to feel extra tension which i fellt anyway. Anyway, he discovered what i did because he knew my thought s of proceeding with a donor.I admitted it. He got furious with me, called me a liar etc so we had a really bad breakup. After some days i had the ivf result. It was BFN. Now i feel sad and lonely and everything is ****..


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Sending some    


So sorry things haven't worked out, take some time to grieve both your relationship and your negative cycle and hopefully you'll be feeling better soon


x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Thank you girls so much for your support. It was a very hard situation for me because  I have been discussing the baby issue with him for months and he didnt do anything. He always found excuses. I couldnt wait any longer. I planned to break up with him first and then move on with a donor but i seemed to have a relatively good cycle this month and this was why i rushed into my decision. My now x boyfriend almost made me crazy with his undeciseveness. Now the problem is my ovaries are struggling. I have a very low amh and borderline fsh. I hope for a miracle..!


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## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

I think that all sounds incredibly stressful and I wouldn't advise doing both at the same time! He is clearly not committing to the idea so you have to to work away for your own sanity. Its unfair he can't give you a clear answer but then you also have some say in the situation as well. If you want to have children and like me you have low amh and high fsh, time is of the essence. It's not impossible, but you need to focus on treatment and explore all your options. I know some single women can date and stuff while going through treatment, hats off to them because I certainly couldn't. Maybe just focusing on you at the moment and getting over the BFN and then making a plan and next steps will help you feel more in control and make you feel better.  x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Janieliz, you are right i should focus on myself and on my treatment. I agree it is very complicated when you have this kind of treatment AND date with men. On the other hand life can be surprising. For example what if you meet someone interesting in the meantime?


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## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

Yes you could meet someone in the meantime and that would be amazing, but for me, given my current ovarian situation, I am not wasting another minute! I have wasted so much time over the years on pointless relationships and actually there is no-one to blame but myself. So, I will have all the time in the world after the menopause to meet someone - and the menopause is not far away for me! For now I am concentrating on this. I have dated a couple of guys recently and I felt bad, because actually I want a child more than to take time with a relationship. I don't have many eggs left!


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

I understand how you feel Janieliz. I feel exactly the same. Good luck with your treatment


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

so sorry you got BFN it is very hard. don't forget your body needs time to recover after all the ivf drugs. have you told him you didn't get pregnant? if he's a real man he'll get over it, his ego is bruised that's all. if he really can't get past it he's not worth crying over you can do better, you can find someone who will support your hopes and dreams not stamp on them. give it all time. hopefully next time you try to get pregnant you will be lucky.  .


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Goldbunny thank you for your answer. You are right. Sometimes i even feel guiilty for doing what i did to him. But i had no choice. I felt i harmed myself by keeping this relationship. I just need time to heal myself now.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Hi,

I wasn't thinking to comment, but when the issue of dating  arose, I had to.
now, you are undergoing  treatment and you opted the donor sperm.  You have to think of the  following : 

1- a man or men you would be dating,would the date you for fun or commitment. 
2 - if commitment, how.would they react toward the donor sperm in case you achieve pregnancy 
3- if you get involved romantically  (and i know.it happens quickly), how can you be sure that person is healthy and would not affect your foetus. 

If you will listen to me, I would advise you to forget men till you get your  child or don't do the ivf until you find a nice man and then go for it with him!


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi cosmopolitan, 
Yes it gets too confusing when you both date and go for the donor sperm route. I dont plan to do that. My life is already quite complicated! The relationship i had was a 3 year relationship from age 36 to age 39. It was a serious relationship, he told me he wanted to have kids. The problem was that he was really jealous without a cause. He even spied on my computer to test me. You will ask me why i was with him. I was with him because he was very tender and very devoted to me. On the other hand his trust issues really exhausted me. I had to be perfect in his eyes so that he would be sure to make the next move to have a baby wirh me. The fact that we live in different cities makes matters worse. Anyway after i told him thay my fertility has declined and that we have to move on he did nothing. Months passed and i got crazy waiting for him. In the end , i decided to just pull the trigger and do it alone. That's how it all happened. I understand he was shocked(although he knew my thoughts of using a donor) and maybe he didnt expect i would do it but he also had to respect me more and  not string me along.


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Natalia, I hope you are feeling a bit better at this point.  

IMO, the kind of jealousy / trust issues you describe are an enormous red flag, and based on my observation of other people's relationships they usually do not improve with time. (Personally, I always refused to date people who behaved like this.) The trust issues are deep-seated in that person's psyche, and only they can fix it, which will only happen if they see it as their problem that needs to be fixed. You would never be able to finish "proving" yourself and gain his trust -- there would always be a new hurdle that his jealousy would throw up for you to clear. I am sure this breakup is painful, especially when coming around the same time as your recent IVF disappointment, but I'm also pretty confident this is for the best for your happiness in the long run. 

I hope you get your longed-for baby soon.


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Crazyhorse thank you very much for your support. You are very sweet and i read you are expecting a boy!  I am happy for you and you also give me courage because we have the same amh! Yes jealousy is terrible. And it feels exactly the way you describe it. Anyway it was my fault, i thought i would be able to fix this problem. But i couldn't. I have to move on now. A positive thing is that my relationship problems distracted me so much that sometimes i forgot i was having ivf! I decided to do it so quickly that i didn't realize it so much! And also i have such a low amh that i would be extremely lucky to have a BFP on my first try. So i didn'tfeel so terribly sad for the BFN. I expected it. Anyway, i hope i make better choices in men in future..Maybe i was so desperate to have a family that i thought i could fix everything. I am very sad now but i guess i need some time. I have also arranged to have a trip in Germany. Maybe that will helpme psychologically.
Many kisses to all you sweet girls  You really help me!


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Such a person is not  Ok psychologically and you shouldn't have him. In your life. You would suffer a lot had you had a child withhim. Believe me, God saved yyou!


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

Hi Natalia,

   to you in this terrible time. Why does it all hit the fan at the same time?

Timings - it's been my experience that if you wait for the perfect time to meet someone you'll either wind up with the wrong person (like me) or no one at all. It might be complex to date whilst undergoing IVF but if you meet someone you like I say go for it.

Han x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi Hanhon 
It really is a terrible period . I can't say i am ready to date again. It is a miracle i am still sane after
what happened! BUT life goes on. What really hurts me mostly is that my eggs don't have such a good quality. I am really pessimistic whether i can have a baby with OE. Of course donor eggs are always an option but i am not ready for that path yet.
Sometimes i wish i was a man. They can have babies until they are really old. Life is so unfair!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

First off, so sorry you got a BFN! 
Sometimes it's important to have the internal calm as well as external support for your body to be ready to get pregnant, I feel that's what made a difference in my case after two miscarriages...
He wasted your time for 3 years without even moving in together, sorry please don't blame yourself but you ignored some serious red flags including his spying and pathological jealousy! If you'd brought a child into the mix that poor kid would have suffered.
Also please don't worry about any potential men you might meet in the future, I've just been speed dating as a single mum and the hottest guy there asked me out! As you may remember I also met my ex after my IVF and he'd already had kids and was infertile, so you could well end up with someone who can't/wont have more kids anyway.
Wishing you success on your next cycle honey!xx


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

well said Broody. An old friend was chatted up buying a car whilst heavily pregnant!

Natalia - it's a man's world that's for sure. Perhaps that was why your x thought it was ok to spend ions trying to make up his mind - because he wasn't under any time pressure! As you say not fair... but that's life.

Han x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi sweet girls
I am responsible for my choice. I can't blame anyone. When i started the relationship i had great time with him having perfect sex which i had missed a lot. He was also sweet and tender so he covered my emotional needs too. Then we got emotionally connected and i thought i could handle the jealousy thing. But i couldnt and i felt i suffocated. Yes this is not the perfect environment for a baby, i know.. My baby fever made me think i will overcome these difficulties though. Now i cant blame him for not moving in with me. He wanted it and asked me to move to the city he lives in. But i have a good job here and i didnt want to leave it. He also found a good job there after years of unemployment. We both live in Greece which as you must  have heard is struck by terrible crisis. It is a miracle we both have jobs in such a difficult period. It wasnt easy for us to move in together. However, we could have a baby and then try to find a job and live together. Anyway, it's over now. Right now i feel terrible to be single again and with diminished ovarian reserve. I feel it is a nightmare. But i have to stand up and see my options. Life can be so hard..


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

Got to be the worst part of being single eh - no sex   You sound very sensible Natalia - thinking about the practicalities of moving to a new city to be with someone. I understand the problems with that idea in Greece. Things have been hard here in the UK too although not in the same league.

I can't really understand why your x couldn't just make the best of things. He made it impossible for you by not having a baby with you and not accepting you having a baby another way. If he'd said to you 'can we carry on as we are, you having a baby through the donor route and us living in different cities' would you have accepted that?


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hanhon, maybe i would accept having a  baby alone and keep the relationship. But i don't think he would like the idea. Can you imagine such a jealous man accepting that? I have even asked him this question and he said: No way! So we came to a dead end.When i told him that my fertility declined and we have to move on, all he did was drinking half a bottle of whisky in his home every evening and smoke a pack of cigarettes to forget the problem! (Not so good for the sperm either! )


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

men can be so frustrating can't they. I know one who's attracted to me but he won't act on it. I think it could be really good between us but if you're the only one trying honey then it's time to move on


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Maybe he is shy.How old is he ? 15?


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

15 - ha, ha I needed a good laugh. Do you know I don't know - 40 something like me I think.

Forgot to saying regarding the jealousy stuff - no I can't imagine it I've been lucky to never have experienced it. 

Are you thinking of having a break from IVF to get your head together too? I can understand if you're keen to push on as you are worried about your egg supply but in my experience FSH doesn't change very quickly so I think you could allow yourself a few months off to relax?


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

I want to start again as soon as possible. I will wait for a couple of months for my body to recover from drugs and then start again IF anything can happen. I am very pessimistic. My amh is 2 pmol. I have wasted too much time!


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## Busy B (Jul 27, 2014)

Hi.
I'm agreeing with a few of the women - I would do IVF solo, then look for men - it is far too complicated to do both at the same time - and you need some time to heal.
Sending you   
Take care of you.
x BB


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## Hanhon (Mar 12, 2015)

How are you getting on Natalia? It's terrible what's going on there. How are you managing?


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi Natalia and other ladies

I just came back on to FF today after taking a break for a couple of months. I too am intrigued to know how you are getting on. I can totally relate to your experience. I too had a very bad breakup with my bf just prior to me doing IVF (in April this year) and i too immediately went ahead and did it alone using donor sperm. The bf bascially wasn't ready to have a baby. Unfortunately, for various reasons, but largely because he turned into an absolute A.hole(!) the break up was extremely brutal. 

Probably like you, i was a total emotional mess during the whole thing but knew i had no more time to waste. Sadly, also like yourself i ended up with a BFN, which seemed to make the breakup pointless and all my grieving and sadness hit me doubly hard. In fact i'm still not over him at all and have been very depressed the last few months. I did also wonder whether my bad emotional state affected the outcome of the treatment. But it was most likely due to my age. 

However i'm just starting to feel a little better and i'm now planning to go ahead with another round of treatment, probably in September, using my frozen eggs and donor sperm. I have been dating a little here and there, but largely to try to help me get my mind off my ex and just feel a bit of a boost (the ex moved on to another woman straight away which hurt me very badly). But ultimately i think its unlikely i'll meet someone who wants to get fully involved with me whilst i'm going through this and frankly i can't cope with the stress of trying to cope with fertility treatment and be worrying about a new relationship at the same time. I know just how vulnerable you can feel when doing fertility treatment and i think it's really important to take care of yourself and have support from people around you.

I was chatting to someone who did have a baby using donor sperm and met someone who became her bf and was happy to stand by her so it can happen. But i think it takes a very special person to do that.

C x


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