# Top tips for settling in a 9 month old (with a 3 year old brother)?



## ciacox

Hi All 

We're 4 weeks away from intros with a 9 month old. We have a just 3 year old who's been with us 20 months. Oldest is well settled and mostly a joy. But he does get VERY anxious about his possessions and his space and can get easily overwhelmed by other kids. He tends to be better with ones he knows well. We told him at the weekend about his little bro. He clearly has mixed feelings. Excited and delighted by the pics but not so happy when he realised baby will be sleeping here and we will be his mummy and daddy.

Would love to hear any ideas re settling in a 9 month old generally. Cub was 16 months at placement so this feels like new territory for us. Anything that helped build a bond or helped little one feel settled? And if anyone has experience of introducing a new arrival to a very territorial older sibling, I'd  love some tips. Baby is apparently crawling and climbing already so he'll be knocking over train sets etc from day 1 I'm sure.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi Ciacox

Congratulations  

We're almost 6 weeks into no 2 placement little man is 5 now and she was 7 months. Little man is like yours and doesn't share well so we bought a box and told him to pop all the toys into it he didn't want to share with his sister and that box now lives in his bedroom and comes out when sister is asleep either naps or bedtime. 

I think he will surprise you and love his little brother instantly. There will be jealousy a lot of jealousy and we've really struggled with this but fingers crossed we're coming out the other side now.

Hope this info helps 
Emma xx


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## Tictoc

I think like Emma says there will be love and jealousy. It’s amazing how welcoming most children can be but it doesn’t make stop the jealousy so just try and involve him as much as possible in what needs to be done for the youngest. Mine used to like to lie on the bed and feed the youngest his milk bottle - he could actually hold it himself but was happy to be fed by them.


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## mummy2blossom

Get a sling! Great for being close to baby whilst keeping your arms free for eldest! Twiglet is now 15 months and I still love mine especially when doing nursery drop off/pick up. 
I'd also say it's not just toys to be mindful of, make sure your eldest has 1:1 special mummy time from the start. Interesting but fun times ahead for you! Good luck x


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## ciacox

Thanks guys this is all great. I'm a big fan on slings and Cub was in his til he was over 2 so hoping little one will take to it. Love the special box idea - can see Cub feeling reassured by that.


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## Norma12

Our Eldest LO loves books so we got him a book about being a big brother which he found useful. We also got him a toy baby so he could see how to be gentle with it etc. Although,baby (8months)was with us a week & he started sitting, crawling etc so didnt seem like somuch of a baby!


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## watakerfuffle

My top tip would be to get a play pen! When we adopted our second our eldest was 3 at the time and very possessive of his things and jealous of baby, for us it was a case of keeping baby safe so a play pen was a life saver when I needed to prepare meals or hang the washing out or just generally needed my hands free! Every chance our eldest got he would whack baby over the head or scratch him, he was always a challenging child though with tricky behaviours so hopefully you won't get that. Now they have a lovely relationship and like you know we have since adopted a third! Hope it all goes well, can't be long now


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## ciacox

Thanks folks. Panel on weds and all being well intros a week today. Wata - really glad to hear that your two found their way to a close relationship after that rocky start. Will give me hope if things are rough for us! Will keep the playpen idea in mind - Cub tends to shout and cry more than be physical but we have recently had a couple of kicking incidents at nursery and I am anxious about where that might go. Having said that, he is also super excited and I'm hopeful that he will enjoy it all too...


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## ciacox

PS - Any tips for intros? Ours are a week long with 4 days at FCs. Provisional plan suggests Cub joins us from Day 1. I'm not sure what will be best for him but I'm thinking multiple long days hanging out in FC's home could be a bit stressful/confusing. Our SW happy for us to adapt the plan to what suits.


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## Norma12

Ciacix-have you agreed intro’s now? We found we spent too much time at FC’s and not enough at our house. It was confusing for older LO x


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## ciacox

Starting on Monday. Cub is joining us on weds and we'll have weds and Thurs at FCs house and then 3 days at ours. I think Cub will find it tough there so I'm glad it'll only be a couple of days. And have just discovered house is next to a lovely park so I'm hoping that'll help.


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## watakerfuffle

Hope it all goes well ciacox, you must be so excited to finally be meeting LO :0) You don’t need an actual playpen, a travel cot works just as well if you suddenly find you need one! Def head to the park if you think your eldest is finding it too much in FC house, we did first sibling meet in our own home but SW were very much led by us thankfully. Will be thinking of you.


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## ciacox

Hey all - just an update and looking for a bit of reassurance. Baby Kit has been home for 2 weeks now and were all starting to find our feet. Pretty much as we expected, Cub has taken in pretty hard. He loves Kit in some ways and is very excited to be a big brother but is really not coping at all with Kit being on his space. He whines a lot and constantly asks "take Kit away please mummy" when Kit as much as looks at him let alone crawls in his direction or touches him. He shouts at Kit and has pushed him a few times. Of course poor Kit is obsessed with his big bro and wants whatever toy he has etc etc. It's much worse when we're all at home and Cub seems to cope better when we're out. Sometimes at home I've been driven to tears by the relentless whining from Cub and refereeing from me. And it's making it hard to build a bond with Kit as Cub insists on sitting on my lap all the time... Daddy back to work next week. Fortunately Cu 
Is in nursery 3 days a week but I'm really worried about how I'll manage the days I'm alone with both of them. Someone tell me this will get better!


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## watakerfuffle

Ciacox I understand what your going through, been there and still a struggle in my house with 3 needy children and the jealousy. It’s such early days for you and your family and your eldest is bound to be really feeling it. It’s hard trying to bond with new LO though whilst also meeting eldests needs. I have a play pen set up for my youngest to give my other 2 boys a break as it is frustrating for them when LO wants everything they are playing with so we have time when all 3 are out playing creating havoc and then LO will spend some time in playpen and he enjoys that time too as it’s a different set of toys in there. It gives me a bit of a breather too! No other advice really, just a big hug as I know how tough it can be. Having my own struggles at the min with youngest!


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## Norma12

Hi, Ciacox how has it been so far with daddy at work?
I used a travel cot as a playpen for little one, just with practicality of preparing food, doing naps, nappy changes etc. 
It is really tough & i think we overdid the “sharing” to start with for the oldest as he used to wake up in the night saying “ i must share” 😔. It does get easier with time but initially I found my support network helped loads until I found my feet & confidence with coping with both of them. DH was off for 3 months which really helped & then my mum replaced him for a while until I got sorted.

I tried to engage eldest in helping with littleone too, e.g. can you get a nappy for baby etc...


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## ciacox

Thanks all. I think we are seeing improvements over the last week. Yesterday I was on my own with them both and there was very little anti-Kit behaviour from Cub. I know well still have bad days but it was lovely to finally have a good one! I think the whole thing has re-awakened some early trauma in Cub. He had terrible tantrums for a couple of weeks screaming and crying about being hungry which we know is related to his early experiences. We do seem to be through the other side of that bit (for now). Our social worker did witness a double meltdown when he came to visit last week (just the kids - I held it together!  ) and has suggested thinking about applying for funding for theraplay in the new year if things don't improve. I'm glad that he's open to supporting us with that but at the moment I'm hoping we won't need it. He also irritated me because he said he would be able to gauge more on his weekly visits than I can being with them day to day. I took that with a pinch of salt!


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## Arrows

Yes, it does improve I promise -even if the feelings/ behaviours are still there, how you handle them improves so life gets better x


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