# BFN



## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

Hi
I am feeling really low and can't make myself do anything.  I just feel empty.  I am so scared that I will never have a child.  I have no plans in my life.  I just always thought I would be a wife and a mother and that was all I wanted to be.  It hasn't happened and I don't know why.  The embies were good, the lining was good, I took time off work so I didn't get stressed.  They didn't even implant.  I feel so alone and I just don't know what to do.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Dippygeek,

So sorry to hear your news.  You are in the right place and I've found this website such a fantastic support system.  I wrote this post following my 1st BFN.  You are not alone and the most important thing to do is to make sure you talk about it and be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.  Believe me, the strenght and courage to do it again does come around.  I'm starting round 2 at the end of July.   for you and your DH.

Dee
*************************************************************************************************
Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 75% of women in my age group (37) are unsuccessful at IVF.  

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 25% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 75% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices? 

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down? 
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover? 
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them? 
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms. 

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby. 

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers.  How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle? 

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army.  Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 2!!!!!


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## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

Thanks for replying.  I don't have the fight in me for round 2 yet but I will try again for sure.  Thanks again and good luck to you on you next cycle


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi, i know how hard it is for you just now, i have no words of wisdom just that you are not alone. I posted this after my second BFN_

Life is a roll coaster
It has so many downs
I can’t escape the pain of infertility
It all seem so unjust

Why oh why not me?

You can’t move on but you’re scared to continue
You have a dream 
You ponder when will it be me?

The hopes run high during the 2 ww
And then come crashing down
People say don’t worry but
All you here is others who have no clue about your pain

You feel incomplete and there is a missing part in your life
Please be me next time,
Is there hope I am not sure,
But I can’t give up not now

Just one more try 
Maybe it’ll be me
Why why why
Can’t it just be!!!!



Take care of yourself and take time to cry if you need to.


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## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm so bitter and angry.  I'm angry with DH for being a complete idiot and saying 'I'm not ready' for 3 years.  I'm angry at myself for putting up with it.  I'm angry everytime I see 'PMA!!!' - it drives me crazy.  What the hell will PMA do?  Absolutely nothing.  The first time I looked at these sites I thought how good it was everyone has gotten pregnant when the fact of the matter is that mostly the BFP ladies post, those that get BFN are too hurt to continue.  
I hate my job, I hate my husband for not even saying sorry, and I hate myself for putting up with such an arrogant selfish man.


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi Dippygeek,

I am sorry to hear how your a feeling, all these emotions are understandable hun, for me i felt after my first BFN i went in a black hole and was not me for approx 6 months, all i wanted to do was hide from the world i hated so much and wanted clean slate ended up nearly leaving my hubby, I said lots of horrible things i now regret.

I was luck as my hubby worked through the anger and let me have my space and over time i am not sure when i started to live again and feel like me, i still get upset at pregnant people or people who dont appreciate thier kids and agree that life is unfair.

dont be too hard on yourself at present , try and do something nice just for you!!

take care

jenny


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## tenny (Jun 28, 2009)

Hi dippygeek, 
I do know how you feel, I think.  

Although, I obviously have had many problems, my chances would have been much better if I'd begun to try and get pregnant earlier.  At least I wouldn't have gone through all those miscarriages because of old eggs.  My husband refused to go for it until I was 36.  I was furious with him for years and precisely because, or in part, because, he never ever said sorry.  In the end, I got so low and so stuck in my life - I felt like my life had stopped and I couldn't take it forward until I had a baby - that I stopped contacting friends and family and just didn't want to talk to anyone.  I decided to go to a psychologist and was lucky enough to find one who was good.  I saw her for a year and the first thing she said to me in the first interview was, "I'm so sorry for the miscarriages."  She had nothing to do with me or what had happened to me but she said it clearly, loudly, looking me in the eye and I can't explain why, it just felt like a release that someone had actually faced what had happened and said so clearly that it was 'wrong'.  I think that we don't express this - my husband never had - he probably was trying to find solutions or make it go away but I needed to hear this.  For a year after, I discussed with her many issues not just the pregnancy one - my mother, how I felt about myself - it was so useful and I did move on.  I've never felt as low as I did then and in the end, was able to talk to DH and he was able to recognise how guilty he felt for having made such a stupid mistake.  And I was able to forgive him.  I'm not saying that things have been easy and that I've been perfectly balanced - I haven't but I've never felt so bad and I've been able to use what I learned with her to keep from falling back to where I was.

As you can see, we've tried lots of things including adoption which kept us on a waiting list for 3 years and then told us we were too old!  And finally, it seems to be working out.   

Everyone needs to take their own decisions but the one thing that I think that works is talking things through especially with DH.

 tenny


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## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

Hi

Thanks for your post, I really wasn't expecting it as it was quite an angry post, I just needed to vent.  Congratulations on your pregnancy, you've been through a hell of a journey so I hope it all works out for you.  

I am isolated now.  I don't want to see anyone as I don't have anything good to say.  Life is on hold and this is all I'm doing.  I need holiday for my appointments, I need the money to pay for it all so everything else takes a back seat.  I asked DH if he was sorry and he said he had no reason to be, that forcing him to have a baby would have been just as bad.  I think I hated him even more for that.  I don't know what will happen but I just want to slap myself for choosing this man.  

I told him and told him that time was running out for me but he never listened, he just thought about himself and I know that if we never have children I will hold that against him.  I wish I could go back 10 years but I can't.  Just so bitter and angry.  Why did I accept this?  He is infertile, that is why we are having treatment.  I have to tell him every day to take his vitamins as he 'forgets', he doesn't read anything to help make his sperm stronger and I just feel like I'm fighting it all with the bad choices I have made.  Now we have poor response and bad sperm so our chances are even lower.  I know I need to move forward but right now I just feel like I'm stuck and that I need to do something big to get out of this, but I'm still hoping for a child.  I think I will see someone and talk this through, God knows there is no one else I can talk to.


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## tenny (Jun 28, 2009)

It's difficult to help but I want to and my instinct tells me that you should concentrate on your relationship with your DH for a few weeks - it's strange but things can magically shift when you feel closer to each other. I'm talking about the relationship and not getting pregnant of course. But you need to be together. I do think that having to rely on DH to take tablets must be an absolute nightmare though - mine is hopeless - just doesn't seem to be able to concentrate so in a way, I now realise that I am glad it was me being treated. In any case, your DH won't be more likely to take them if he's angry. I think that you need to do things together to make you feel closer and then  talk. Sorry for being so presumptous and please disregard this advice if it doesn't fit.

But big hugs,

 

Tenny


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## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

Thanks Tenny, not really at that stage yet but having some good days between the really awful ones. x


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## rushdengal (Jun 8, 2009)

Hi,

i just caught sight of this post and i just wanted to say your not alone.  it brought tears to my eyes seeing how upset you were on that first post.  i hope things have moved on a little.

On a different matter its interesting to see someone has taken time of work whilst having the treatment i work around babies all day and have considered taking time of for treatment, but I'm not sure what I'll do if the first cycle fails, go back to work or take more time off? any advice?

Helen


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## kitten77 (Nov 15, 2006)

dippy - you need to take time for yourself, make time for you and DH and cry if you need to but let it out, honestly it does ease (this is my 5th go)

rushdengal - as for the time off work, what ever feels best, ive done 2 each....no BFP on any of them .


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## dippygeek (Nov 29, 2008)

Thank you all for your comments.  I am not moving on much to be honest.  I keep getting more bad news which isn't helping (I had a scan which showed I had not produced a viable egg this month).  I just hate all the waiting around as you keep thinking about things.  
Things with DH have improved, we had a week's holiday which was nice.
The 2 weeks off did bugger all for me.  There I was being all careful and the embryos hadn't even implanted! 
This is just so bloody hard
Wishing everyone the best
xx


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## sunbeam (Nov 19, 2007)

Hi Dippygeek

I was very sad to read your post.......Im glad you and your Dh had a good hol and probably lots of time to help you as a couple.  Isnt infertility so hard on a relationship?  But we have to be strong. I do wish you my best wishes and hope all looks up for you.

SB


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