# Is it just me struggling to cope with another BFN?



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

This forum is so quiet and yet so many of us get BFNs so I'm guessing everybody else just picks themselves up, dusts themselves and gets on with it, and it makes me feel so much worse that I seem to be the only one struggling   . Usually I do cope and after a couple of days I function again but its different this time and I don't know why. I do suffer from depression which I know makes it just that little bit harder but I'm starting to get so cross with myself now for not being able to move on.

Any coping strategies anybody would like to share?

I'm also sorry that I guess, if you read this, you have had a BFN too   

Katxxx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

HI Kat

So sorry to read your news   To date I have had just the one ivf tx so can not imagine how hard things are for you. 

I too am finding it hard to cope at the moment. Since my -ve I have tried to hold it together, smile and carry on. However as the next cycle approaches I find myself feeling alone and depressed. I find it hard to leave the house although I do as I have to work but I find myself slipping into the dark and really have no idea how to pull myself up.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any words of advice but I wanted you to know you are not alone   

I truly hope that your next tx is successful   x

Tama x


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

You are definitely not alone.  Since my BFN it has got harder and harder.  I thought it would get easier.  Coming on FF though and reading inspiring stories really helps me get through the bad days.  It gives me a little bit of hope again.  

It is draining and heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself why we put ourselves through it.  

Tama - I have been reading your diary and know EXACTLY how you feel because I feel the same. 

We just have to believe it will happen to us. We have to have hope.

xxxx


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

Also wanted to say that my latest coping strategy is trying to stay calm.  I get so stressed out by it all.  I wake up in the mornings with heart palpitations - I know this isn't good.  It is purely anxiety.

Kat - have you had your immunes checked?

x


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Hi Kat

I'm sure its not empty coz people cope better, probably just too depressed to get online and air their anger / frustration / hurt and pain.  After I got my BFN, I made one post, got very few replies, and thought maybe people just don't knwo what to say.


Its ****ty ****ty ****ty, why do we ahve desires for children if its not gonna happen, why is it so easy for others etc etc, I think we all think it even if we don't openly express it.  Why do you think it feels worse this time in particular?

I know I am hugely blessed to have my DS, but the anguish and pain I felt after my BFN was real, I wanted to die, I wnated the world to stop, I never wanted to smile again etc etc.  But sweety, you know from experience (as I now do) it gets better, you stop thinking about it constantly till it becomes a dull ache.  I think with me the hope of a new cycle helped, and now when I am not responding to meds as I shoudl I fee angry and am getting closer to giving it up altogether.  I am desperate for another child, I want my son to have a sibling to fight with as I did, I want to enjoy my new baby as I was frightened all the time with my DS and missed out on so much enjoyment.  I feel soooooooooooooooooo cheated, financially, dietwise, stresswise and putting DH through this when he's 50 this month and never wanted a baby int he first place.

But, despite all this, we are strong women and life will go on....use us for all the support you need sweety, allow yourself the time to grieve, another dream has shattered...why should you just get over it!!!


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks guys. I'm glad but also sad I'm not the only one if that makes sense?

Sabah - I'm not sure why this one hurts more than the others, maybe I just thought I had to be my turn by now and I can't believe it still isn't. Maybe because I haven't told anybody at all this time as it got too embarrassing to have to go back and say we failed yet again. Maybe I'm just not as tough as I used to be. 

Vaudelin - I haven't had immunes done because they didn't think there was a problem. I haven't had my followup appt yet to see what they say this time. I'm so scared, actually terrified, that they will say there is nothing they can do and they won't let me try again ....... but then maybe I need somebody to tell me to stop so I can try and get my life back.

Tama - I think that once you actually start treatment then you'll feel better about it. The waiting is harder than the doing I always think.

My days seem to get darker and not brighter. That sounds so melodramatic and out of proportion to the situation doesn't it? Its funny how failing with IVF can just snowball into failing at everything, and I feel so completely useless at everything I do. I just made a Drs appt but have to wait 2 weeks to see him so I just have to hold it together until then. Everything is just spiraling out of my control and I can't get myself back on top. Nobody knows about my treatment so my colleagues just think I'm [email protected] at my job, and my friends just think I'm a miserable old cow and I guess I am both of those things right now. I just can't find my purpose and start to panic that this could actually be my life forever, my life could turn into groundhog day and I don't think I can cope with this forever. So melodramatic again! I think I need to find some perspective. After my earlier BFNs I used to read other posts and feel normal again, and hopeful and find the strength to carry on. But I can't do that now, the only place I find signatures like mine is in the 'moving on and accepting' forum and they are generally from people still trying to come to terms with their childlessness. I just feel such a lonely freak of nature and a failure, and if I was brave enough to do any true soul searching I guess I would know in my heart that its never going to happen for me  

 I think I just needed to get that off my chest   and I guess this is not the place for but i have to write it here before my heart breaks into a million pieces. 

I'm so sorry for your all BFNs and I hope your next treatment is your lucky one   
Katxxx


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Kat

This is exactly the place to share those feelings, so don't feel bad about that.  How frustrating that the Dr won't see you for 2 weeks!

I can understand about things spiralling and everything feeling like your failing, but look at the evidence, what else is actually not going right?

I actually found it easier returning to work and going through treatment, maybe as there was more of a distraction then?  But, three of my colleagues do know about this third treatment so at least I have some support here.  I havent told as many friends like last time, so I can  empathise about feeling like evryone just thinks you are miserable.  But sweety, why should you feel embarassed it hasn't worked?  Its out of your control....were you smoking or deliberately sabotaging your chances, I seriously doubt it.

What is next for you?  It sounds like a good thing if immunes aren't an issue?  Why would they say it won't ever workThere are loads of women on here who have had to have multiple attempts before getting their BFP.  Do you really believe it can't happen or are you affraid right now of trying?  Hun, if you can afford more treatment GO FOR IT!!!  We were told by our origial GP who used to work in a fertility clinic that we had NO HOPE of having DH's child and we should seek a donor or give up.....what a load of crap that was, if I had believed her we would never have researched and heard of ICSI.  You will know when to stop trying, and I think there might be a peace about moving on....it doesn't sound like you've got there yet xxx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Oh Kat   I know it doesn't help but you are not a failure. It must be so very hard to go through all this and not be able to tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone either and it is very hard to pretend all is well when you feel like you are dying inside. I hope that you are able to speak to your doctor and maybe get some time off work - would that help? Are there any other forms of tx you could look at, such as DE? I know these things are not for everyone. I just can't begin to understand how you feel   I'm always about on FF so if you ever need to 'chat' just pm me. It doesn't solve anything but sometimes just letting it out helps.
Take care xx

Vaudelin sorry to hear you are feeling down hun   I'd stop reading my diary - it's not the happiest at the moment   xx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks both of you. 

I think I just have to ride it out for a while thats all. I miss counted and its 3 weeks til my Dr appt which seems a very long time. I do have a counselor though and now have an appt for Monday so I'm wondering if she can put pressure on the Dr for me, I just want to reduce my hours for a week or so just to try and get myself together a bit for when my due date arrives next month.

Anyway, there is nothing I can do other than just survive until I get my followup appt and see what they say.  I just wish I had never had my stupid short lived BFP. If it had never worked yet then I think I might be able to admit defeat, but the fact that it did work, even if only for a very short time, means I just can't quit. I hope you are right Sabah, and we do no when to stop before its too late. I am completely ashamed of the fact that I can't have a baby even when they give me a head start and give me an embie to nurture. I have no idea why I feel like that but I can't feel any different, I just feel guilty for not keeping them safe I guess.

DE is not an option for us purely because I'm not in the UK and its illegal (sperm donation is OK though   ) but maybe there will be some other miracle fix for me   . Surrogacy is also illegal and my mental health means we can't adopt so our options are limited and we have to hope its lucky number 7 for me.

Thank you so much for listening to my whining   I'll stop now and just hang in there til Monday ........ my poor counselor may regret agreeing to see me lol. I really hope your BFPs are just round the next corner.

Katxxx


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

Nordickat - I really don't have any answers for you but truly hope you can get some for yourself and DH.  Since my BFN I have been looking at what I can do to improve my eggs and DH's swimmers with complementary therapies and vitamins.  Is there anything you can do to help with the MF - is it severe?  During your treatments have you changed clinics or protocols?  Am just wondering if there is anything that you can do differently if you decide to have another go.  Have you ever considered a basic immunes test just to tick it off the list in your head so you know that is not the issue?  I would be very surprised if your clinic said you couldn't try again - there are plenty of people on here who have had 5+ treatments.  Please feel free to come on here and share your feelings - it is a good outlet for that.  I believe better out than in.  You are not alone and we will all do whatever we can to help you get through this difficult time.

Tama - I enjoy reading your diary.  I have many days when I feel like you do and to be honest you make me feel normal!  I would not wish this on anyone but it is comforting for me to know that I am not alone and my thoughts are not irrational.  There are people out there like me and my heart goes out to you and them.

xx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Nordickat I hope that talking will help you. I am trying to sort out seeing someone at the moment. I know I always feel a little better after writing in my diary so maybe talking to someone will help too. I really hope you can get through this and move onto your next tx which I'm praying will be the one for you    xx

Vaudelin I'm glad the diary is useful. I do read it back and wonder if people think I'm a right nut job but it does help to write it all down. I know it's early doors for me and IVF but I've been thinking about immune testing, is this something you have looked into? I guess as I'm classed as unexplained I'd like to have a few more tests done to try and rule everything out. I see you have a follow up appointment - wishing you loads of luck.   Do you know when you will start another cycle? Wishing you loads of luck xx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Big hugs to you all     every time you get a negative cycle it hurts so so much...nothing prepares you for the pain and heartache x


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Tama - I find counseling really does help so I hope you find somebody soon. Even if its not what you expect you need to give it a couple of tries. I'm not much of a talker so it took me a few sessions before I felt safe enough to even tell her why I was there   . 

I am hoping that they offer me immune testing at my followup, I'm also a bit worried the progesterone doesn't do the job for me (I don't really bleed during my af, and its no different after a BFN either   ). I was thinking of having tests done in the UK if I can't do them here but there is only a point if they can offer me the right treatment here afterwards. I'm at my second clinic and tried long and short protocol. DH rattles when he walks he has so many pills to pop. When we did get lucky he had 14 mil/ml but all of our BFNs have been 0.5-3 mil/ml and there are a lot of them are duffers. We are going on holiday and have a couple of nice work trips before October so hoping that will help his swimmers relax and do their thing, and that they let us try again in October.

Vaudelin - I know what you mean, its heartbreaking to know others hurt as much as I do but a the same time reassuring to know that somebody out there understands.

Thanks all of you for the hugs, I have plenty to send back to you     xxx


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

Yes I have had immune testing and I came up positive for a few things so I am glad I had it done.  Not all clinics do it though and it is expensive but with the ARGC it is pretty common practice.

Unfortunately our follow up was not what we expected.  We were told if we wanted to try again we had a 3% chance of success .  I was so shocked and so was DH.  I spent the rest of the day crying my eyes out.  We don't really see the point in trying again with odds like that.  In the meantime we will TTC naturally.  The doctor at the clinic did give me a prescription for some immune drugs so at least we will have a bit of boost in that department.  

Tama - I am going to have some hypnotherapy to try and calm my stress levels.  I hope you can find someone who will help you 

Hoping all you ladies are having a good day.

xxxx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Vaudelin

So sorry to her your news hun must be totally heartbreaking for you    Are there other options? I had some hypno done last year. I did find it helpful but it was costing me £65 per hour so had to stop. I now have acu and find that really does help me and I come out feeling much more calm. Hope you can find something that will help you to relax    Wishing you all the luck in the world hun     xx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Oh Vaudelin, I'm so sorry about your appt yesterday     I guess you need to take some time together to digest it all before you make any future plans. 3% is still a chance though and you could be in that 3% if you still feel you are not ready to stop trying.

The thought of hypnotherapy is frightening to me but I hope it helps you. I'm was quite a fan of acupuncture for clearing my head and getting things into perspective. Its so much easier to find the positivity inside you if you can relax and get enough sleep. Now I find counseling is my release and it hurts like crazy while I'm there but I almost look forward to it, the opportunity to be me and say what I feel and then be told I'm not crazy, and that I will survive. 

Tama - are you any close to finding somebody to talk to? I'm glad your acupuncture is helping.

Take care both of you, 
Katxxx


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Hiya Kat. Yes, thank you I have found someone. My clinic offers free counselling so I looked at their people and have chosen a lady that has IF herself as I hope she will have a greater understanding. How are you feeling today hun? Hope you have a good weekend xx

Vaudelin how are you hun? Have you anything nice planned for the weekend? x

I've just finished 'spring' cleaning my house - started at 4pm    I love it when I have done every little thing. Just waiting for a later dinner as dh didn't get back from work until late. Hope you all have a good weekend x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi girls
I just wanted to pop on to show my face as it were and confirm it's not just you!
Nordickat - you have done so well being strong and determined enough to go through so many cycles of ICSI. You should feel very proud of yourself. Of course you are now tired and have less resiliance than at the beginning. You can't go through what you have and feel the same way you did at the start - I can't see how it gets anything but harder. Especially as you have had to pick yourself up from the disappointing ending to the adoption journey too. You need to be very nice to yourself.
Whan you spoke about not being good at work or as a friend and life being in limbo it was like reading something i might have written. This simply isn't the life I want to be living and always assumed I would be living. I only ever wanted to be a mum - never to have a career. Right now I am 'meant' to be at home with a toddler and a newborn, not still commuting daily and doing a job that means nothing. I don't have the energy or appetite for the stress to go for promotion at work so I'm just plodding along. I can't leave because I need the money to pay for IVF and I want the maternity benefits should the miracle ever happen. All my and DH's friends bar one have now got children and we are so slowly, gradually drifing apart from all of them, partly due to lack of crossover and recently increasingly because we don't feel sociable and find being with people with young childen v hard and - especially DH - figures we are finding IF and BFNs so hard anyway why face more hard stuff. So we just keep going, feeling trapped and sad. 
Anyway, sorry, thought I was just popping on.
Tama - I hope the counselling helps how you feel and cope and supports you as you approach your next cycle   and I'm glad the acu is beneficial.
Vaudelin - I'm so sorry you have had such bad news at your follow up. That must take some getting your head around to say the least. Since my recent BFN I have been going to sleep with a hynotherapy/meditation cd on and it seems to be either helping me to cope or just numbing me a bit - either way it feels slightly better than raw grief. I hope if you try hypnotherapy it helps you. Might it be worth seeing another consultant for a second opninon? Not just hoping that they might view your situation differently but also because if not, it might help you with the decision to stop treatment. And of course, as we all know those natural miracles do happen - we see them here. Though knowing this is something of mix between hope and torment isn't it?
Hello and all the very best Sabah.
Gawd, I've really gone on here, lots of love 
gettina
x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Gettina   it's very difficult when friends have children and you don't...one of my DH's friends is now a grandad    and anotherwho has 2 teenage children from his first marriage has a new partner and new baby....


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

I think one of the things that worries me is that I will eventually lose contact with my friends with children if DH are not successful.  I really don't want that to happen.  I consider the ARGC as one of the best clinics in the country so trust them 100% in their opinion.  I really can't see how any other clinic could offer any better odds seeing as I didn't respond well (3 follicles).  For the first time in my life I am actually considering DE.  Never ever thought I would see the day.  

Hope you are all OK and having a good weekend.  I am slobbing today in front of the footie even though I am not particularly a big fan it is such a good atmosphere and everyone is talking about it so why not! 

xxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

gettina - that was a lovely post and I'm sorry you are hurting too   

The loneliness is one of the hardest parts isn't it? The drifting further and further away from friends. Our friends are becoming more and more dull with nothing to talk about than kids, and no doubt they think I'm the most boring person ever because I only have and puppy and chickens. And there is the fact that it hurts like crazy to hear it all of course. We only have one couple we are still properly close friends with because I can't face all the others. So sad isn't it? My counselor keeps saying I shouldn't distance myself but I can't help it. Do you worry what life will be like when we are at retiring age? I just imagine us being such a lonely old couple and that really frightens me. 

Beachgirl - I'm already dreading the next phase of babies, the grandchildren that is. I hope it gets easier for you.

Vaudelin - I would be considering DE if it was legal here and I'm half expecting the clinic to suggest donor sperm which is fine by us if we might get our BFP from it. I guess it takes a while to decide if its right for you though, I hope you find a way forward. Its such a grim day here that we are slobbing too. All 3 of us (puppy included here) spent half the afternoon snoozing on the sofa - sometimes its just what you need.

 Katxxx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

I suppose it'll never get easier you just learn to live with what you have...x


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## kizzymouse (Jan 13, 2006)

These posts are so sad - doubly so because I know exactly how you all feel   

I often wonder what it will be like never having a family, DH and I will be fine I know but something will always be missing.
I suppose we will have to appreciate what we have got not what we havent.   

This will be our 9th and final treatment - so I know we've definitley tried as hard as we could! I decided on Donor because I feel my old eggs may be past it - having immune tx this time too - so just hoping and praying it works - I really think we deserve it  ( as we ALL do )- but that doesnt mean we'll get our dream!!               

I hope you all find happiness and I wish you luck in your journeys


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Hello Kizzy    lovely to hear from you, wishing you lots of luck with this cycle x


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## kizzymouse (Jan 13, 2006)

Thank you Karen, will let you and the berries know how I get on


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

We'll all be routing for you hun x


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## kizzymouse (Jan 13, 2006)




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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Good luck Kizzymouse. You DO deserve it and I so hope you get your BFP.
Fair comment Vaudelin - well even if the news is utterly crap, I'm glad you have faith in your clinic and what they are teling you - nothing worse than doubts. I hope your conversations about DE are productive.
all the best Nordickat - snoozing with a puppy (ok and Dh) sounds just lovely - where you are you based - could you go elsewhere for DE treatment if that seemed worth a try?
Hi Beachgirl - a grandad gooodness ?? 

X


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Gettina , I know...he was married at 19, first child at 20 then she had her first at 20 too....


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## Vaudelin (Jul 5, 2009)

A grandad wow.  

My eldest sister was 43 when she became a granny and my Mum was 43 when she became a granny.  Hard to believe I am nearly 42 and still trying to become a Mum!  Makes me laugh sometimes.  I have twin nephews who are 23 now and whom I adore 

Good luck Kizzymouse - not long now.  Very excited for you! 

AFM - I have booked to have some hypnotherapy - I am convinced I have a block that is stopping me from getting pregnant.  My eldest sis who is very spirtual has also sent me some decrees for me to read out to help with my blocks and get rid of the negativity and jealously I feel towards pregnant women and those with children.  I don't want to feel like this any more so I hope it works.  Anything is worth a shot. 

Nordickat - I know what you mean about being a lonely old couple.  I have decided though that I am not going to end up like that because me and DH are going to have children


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

just wanted to come and join you had our ist ivf with icsi, started bleeding b4 test day, not got to wait 6 mths to try again.
Its so hard coping when there are so many babies everywhere you go, i have the support of my hubby  and his family, to help get me through this, doesn't make it any eaier, back to work on monday 4 me.x


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Angela29a sorry sorry to read you news, it is so so sad and very hard. I hope that the next few months months pass quickly for you and that you are successful on your next cycle   Wishing you lots of luck xx


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

thanks tama.x


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## stillwaiting081 (Jun 16, 2010)

Hello ladies,

U r not  alone in this roller coaster ride! I jes had my  2day so jes wanted 2 join u ladies. 

I've been in tx for 2 yrs now-1 IUI,1 ICSI,1 FET n this time my 2nd fresh attempt 4 ICSI failed   

N this is really painful wen u c others who got married after u  n now getting children but xcept u! My very own elder sis who's 36 now got 5 children-2 from her 1st husband,a twin n a baby girl from her 2nd husband...my sis-in-law who's jes 26 now,she got 3 kids n now they r all after me...wen will b my turn  They doesn't know bout this problem(male factor) n I dont hav ne answers 4 them coz I'm a housewife(well,I'm from n asian country)...dont hav nemore excuses after my 4 n half yrs of my marriage! This is really really sad...jes cant disclose my probs wit ne1 but fortunately,I got this FF site which has been really helpful 2 me during my last attempt...A big thank you 2 all who've helped me out in this dreaded 2ww!

Probably,will b starting my next FET in this coming sept.not sure though...hav 2 go 4 my follow-up check-up 1st.N lots of    n best wishes who'll b starting their tx all over again!

N finally me n my waiting continues...


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## foreverhopeful29 (Jun 12, 2010)

hi there,
i am quite new to FF and have just posted some of my thoughts under "real friends". Reading thru the different posts, it just makes me feel calmer coz I can now understand that my emotions were not over the top at all and I felt the same emotions of anger, denial , frustration  in the last year. This is even without actually starting any investigations. I had wait till dec 09( 2 years minimum before seeing gynaecologist) and am on clomid 4th cycle. Whatever the future holds for you, be proud of urself that u r able to survive and not give up yet. It firstly takes a lot of courage to open up to new people ,but ur in th right place. For me, during my darkest time being at work helped because the moment I came back home, my feelings used to haunt me. My Dh is very supportive and at home I struggled and still struggle when he is working or returning late. I read Sabah's reply and she is so right that the pain goes away but the ache still remains and I have now accepted this as a fact of our lives . having said that it does not make it any easier. I think u should be careful not to trivialise ur emotions. Be proud of how ur handling this situation. there always will be a tiny lil corner in ur heart which will still be hopeful when u have have little faith left in u. 
So, tk care of urself and ur partner.
Best wishes,
T


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

foreverhopeful, time is a great healer, but the longing and hearache is always there deep down, good luck and hope every things turns out ok.x


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