# Hello and Am I rushing things, or is this part of the process?



## chococat (Apr 26, 2012)

Hello all, I'm reading as much as possible, but wanted to say hi. My introduction is first, then my questions.

*Intro:*
Hello, I'm 32, and my husband is 29. We've tried for 3.5 years to have our first child. I have a unicornate uterus, but otherwise we have unexplained infertility.

Despite our few years of infertility I've tried not to get too involved with the online forums. When we first started trying and had so much hope I spent a lot of time on babyandbump, and occasionally dipped in when I needed information and support during our fertility treatment. Now I'm not ready to go back there. It was a place where I was hopeful, despite the upset and unfairness of infertility. Now we've lost our first child I'm not sure it's the place for me.

Our darling, much long for (of course!) son, was born at 22 weeks. My unicornate uterus, may or may not be part of my infertility, but is certainly the cause of our loss. 
Whether it was due to uterine capacity (unicornate uterus is much smaller than normal, though at least half are able to go full term) or due to an incompetent cervix can't be determined. Despite fairly regular cervical scans, my last one was over 2 weeks before I went into labour. Quinn arrived soon after my contractions started, and it's likely my cervix was to blame, the doctors can't be sure. Which means, that potentially I could carry to term, or at least to viability with a stitch and other interventions. *Or not.*

We have 4 frosties and we can't move to adoption before doing our best to bring them into our family. We both think surrogacy is our best chance of being parents with our frosties. Our loss is fairly recent, and even if it was years in the past, I'm not sure we'd really want to risk a loss or possibly worse, a delivery at 24-26 weeks and a very poorly baby.

Although I would desperately love to be pregnant again, having a healthy child is more important. And of course, getting pregnant is no easy task for us anyway. Our loss is very recent, but I feel the only way I can deal with losing Quinn is focusing on how we create our family.

*Questions:*
How long did you take 'out' after your losses or BFNs? During our IVF and subsequent FETs, we moved pretty fast between them, mostly month after month, and it felt right. I think moving as fast as possible (which isn't really fast at all of course!) is right, but is this the grief, should we mourn Quinn thoroughly or am I right in thinking the only way to stay positive is to think about our eventual living children?

Our family and friend support network is amazing, we're truly lucky, but despite other families going through loses, none were due to malformations like mine. And I know no one who has really contemplate surrogacy. We've had huge support from our friends during this difficult time, especially through ********, where we've been quite public with our grief.

Is it widely inappropriate to ask our network of friends via ******** if anyone would consider being our surrogate? is this considered advertising? There are people we'll ask face to face, but I suspect some people wouldn't consider it unless asked, and perhaps an acquaintance rather than close friend could be a good surrogate?

We're in Sheffield, and I was wondering if there is anyone nearby who has advice? Did you go to Jessops or CARE or elsewhere?

I know there are official surrogacy support groups, did everyone here use one? Even if you found a friend or family member to be your surrogate?

Thanks in advance for reading and responding

xxx


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Hello Chococat,
I am so sorry to hear about Quinn. Losing a baby like that is so nightmarish.  When we lost our little boy I wanted to get started again straight away. It was overwhelming. I felt fate _owed_ us a baby. Because of circumstances it never happened, and we are hoping to try with our surrogate next month. 
I think having something to focus on and being positive helps with the grief. If I had known when i held my sleeping angel that he would be my only child I don't think I could have coped (not that I coped that well anyway, but...). We can't just focus on what we have lost, we have to look forward.
Surrogacy can take ages so I don't think you are doing any harm looking into it now. I'm not sure about asking on ********, but maybe a comment along the lines off 'I wish we could just find a surrogate to do the carrying, that would solve so many problems' could sew the seed? We are very lucky as my SIL offered after hearing about the cancer and op. I don't know anyone else who would offer to do it - it is an awful lot to ask.

Have a look on the boards here, it is where I have got all my info from. Some people also recommend http://www.surrogacyuk.org/ although I have not looked on there myself.

Take care of yourselves, and do give yourselves time to grieve for Quinn. There is not a day goes by that DH and I don't think of our boy. It is nearly 2 years now and we still miss him. It is not a sharp pain now, just an ache, an absence. But getting on with life and looking forward does help.

Very best of luck with it all 

S xx


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## LouGhevaert (May 18, 2009)

Hi Chococat

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - I don't think anyone can fully understand how awful this is unless they've experienced it themselves.

Everyone reacts differently.  You need to take care of yourselves and move forward when you feel it's right.  Surrogacy can have its own challenges and ups and downs and it's important to make sure you can cope with these and also hopefully experience some of the positive benefits as well.

It's a criminal offence to advertise for a surrogate mother in the UK and you need to take great care over this.  You could discuss your situation with friends and family face to face and see what they say. You might also find it helpful to get in touch with a UK not for profit surrogacy organization for help and support, such as Surrogacy UK or COTS - they will be able to give you a better feel for timescales and what to expect generally. Do also make sure you get to grips with the legal issues too so that you can move forward with confidence on this front.

Take care and best of luck

Louisa


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## chococat (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you ladies for replying so quickly and with such warmth. 

We are heartbroken. 

Stubborn, you're so right, if I thought we'd never have children I'm not sure what would get me out of bed. But we have to believe. I've read what I can on both websites, but we're not ready to join either. Though our ACU nurse suggested SUK was good too. 

Our friends network is amazing, I'm not sure we'd find one directly, but I wonder if one of them knows someone, who knows someone sort of thing. Would we be ok in asking for stories of other people's experiences of surrogacy, which would imply clearly that we're looking for someone? My cousin has said to other family members that she could do it for us (and has said this a year ago during the IVF and recently) - but we're not close and I'm scared of making the call and finding out she can't/couldn't/won't - as it's a quiet little hope at the minute. My sister in law also offered, but she's had her cervix removed, so wouldn't be able to really. It's giving us hope that 2 people are even considering it. We can't help but hope that all the love that has poured in over the last few days is a indication that there might be a surrogate out there amongst our lovely friends and family. 

I hope next month goes well for you Stubborn. 2 years seems like forever!


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hello,
I have just read your post on SUK so thought I'd say Hi here too.
We  lost our son Eddie at 24 weeks 11 years ago and there's still not a day goes by when I don't think about him even though we now have our daughter.
We took about two years  between Eddie's birth and actually joining SUK because we just weren't ready before then and we also wanted to save up some money before starting surrogacy. We found SUK which was very small at the time amazing, warm, welcoming and supportive and eventually found our surrogate through them. We also joined COTS but didn't have such a good experience.

As far as asking on ******** I would be careful about this.
It could be viewed as advertising. I would just let people know you are looking for a surrogate and see what happens.

I was 32 when Eddie was born and 38 when we had our daughter 5 and a half years later so as you're 32 there really is no hurry. 
You have plenty of time to make sure you are at least at one with the loss of your son before you start directing your' energy into surrogacy.
Good Luck.
Love 
EJJB
x


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## chococat (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you Helen, I've replied with the same post on SUK, so anyone else reading can see the flow of conversaton. But I guess we can stick to one forum if you do reply! 

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, I know it was a long time ago, and you have your daughter now, but you'll always be a mummy to 2, and from what others have said to me, that will always be the way you feel, however the rest of the world views it. 
I don't think there's any chance of rushing things, just because the process will be slow due to logistics. I appreciate the FF responses saying it's ok to look and think about options. It's not that I want to, I just can't help it. I do feel guilty for not just thinking of Quinn, but I talk aloud to him and tell him why we're already talking about what's next. I know he's not really listening, but saying out loud how much we love him and how we want to spread that love to his siblings (I think of him as 1 of 5 'twin's because of our frosties) helps. 
It breaks my heart to think of having to wait 6 years to have our family, how did you manage? My life feels very full of friends and family, hobbies and work, but I ache every day for my own children to be here.


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi ,
Replied to you on SUk too. 
Can we stick to there as I don't come on here very often and SUk is practically my second home.
Love 
EJJB
x


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## sazzasarah (Jun 29, 2010)

Hey Chococat, so sorry to hear of your loss.  I haven't seen you on SUK - I am sazzasarah on there as well if you'd like to pop into diary and say hello.  

We waited a year after the final miscarriage before feeling ready to join SUK or go for surrogacy in any way. I had lots of things to deal with in terms of finally becoming comfortable with the idea that I wouldn't be carrying my own baby myself and we needed to close the door and recover from some of the more taxing immunology treatments that had become part of tx as well.  We also needed to look after ourselves, and each other, and re-learn how to communicate and have fun, after 6 really hard years of IVF!

in a way I wish I'd got onto SUK earlier as it feels like it will take a while. But I just wasn't ready, I literally couldn't bring myself to do it any earlier.


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