# Should I be concerned about attachments?



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi all
My LO has recently turned 2 and is very forward and confident for her age. In May she started going to a creche for 2 hours whilst I was in college and she seemed to take to it like a duck to water and I thought nursery would be a breeze. September came round and she started back at the creche for 2 hours a week and the only difference there, was the staff mentioned she'd become clingy to one lady and cried if she left the room. The following week she started nursery for 2 afternoons a week. She went in no problem, started playing, didnt look back. I thought "excellent" !
The 2nd week in, and as we arrived there was another child crying, which set LO off too. She had no reason to cry herself other than being upset by this other child. 
That week, the manager (who I know well as she looked after our eldest too) told me that LO had been following her around cried the place down if she left the room for a moment. That is when alarm bells started to ring for me. I didn't have this with my first, she was only ever clingy to me, so I started to wonder then if its anything to do with attachment issues.
My Dad and my friend both think it's more to do with her normal development and age and going through that clingy stage and clinging basically to the one person at each place that is familiar to her. But I don';t know whether this is adoption related at all?
And to add to my trauma, she has cried each time Ive taken her since that first episode of crying on arrival. In fact today, she was all excited and carried her own bag all the way there and all of sudden, we're going up the path to nursery and she realises, and she starts to cry, and I mean, proper tears.
I know she is only two, but my theory behind it, is that my eldest was 2 when she started nursery (because I was back to work then), I need to have her used to nursery for when I hopefully get myself a new job, and also because her speech isnt developing like her sister, I know that interaction with others of her age, will help to bring it on. 
I didnt want to pull her out of nursery now, and basically teach her that if she cries, mummy wont make her do something she doesnt want to, because life isnt like that. I am hoping that with perservance she'll settle in and it'll become less stressful. But I am worried about her being clingy and crying for other women, is this normal for a 2 year old to have these anxiety seperation issues? Or should she only have this for me? What do I do about it??



Sorry meant to say my LO has been with us since she was 9mths old, excellent attachment to us both from the start and she only had one carer before us.


----------



## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Everhopeful

Just wanted to let you know that my daughter gets like that.  She goes to Nursery on a Monday and gets very attached to one particular teacher there.

Also she adores my mum and often she gets very upset when my mum walks out the room and when my comes round she always cries when she leaves  .

It all sounds like pretty normal 2 year old behaviour to me but hopefully some other mummies will be along to reassure you.

By the way I find that a quick exit for nursery when I drop her off helps with the crying.  I just hand her over, give her a kiss and tell her I will see her later.  

Axx


----------



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks Amelia  

It's nice to know it's not just me that it happens to, and it could quite easily just be normal anxiety for her age.

Thank you x


----------



## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Ever

I just wanted to say that this is the hardest thing I find regarding adoption - The never knowing if something is adoption related or 'normal' behaviour  

I don't know too much about 'attachement issues' which is why perhaps I sometimes get so worried DS may be suffering    the thing I tell myself is that i'll never know if it is or isn't and all we can do is continue the way we are  

I know it doesn't help with your worry but have a hug  

xxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Ever,

I don't know anything much about attchment, and am not yet a parent, but I do weekly vol work in a nursery with under two's. We had a little lass start soon after I started there, and basically when she first started everything set her off! She cried when she arrived then would just be calming down, and then would cry when we took them outside for playground time, then would just be calming down, then would cry when it was snack time, then calm sown, then cry iat lunchtime....you get the picture! Basically if someone left the room she would cry, and if someone new came in she would cry!! It appears to just have been a settling in thing, she is now absolutely fine and seems to thoroughly enjoy her time at nursery now she has got used to the faces and the routine. Hopefully maybe for your daughter it is a case of once she has got used to the place and how things are done she will be fine. Someone at the nursery was telling me a while back that 2+ is a really hard age for them to start. They always advise making a clear goodbye, not sneaking out without them noticing.

She was younger than your DD, (only 10 months) but I wonder if your little girl is going through a similar thing - the adoption prep kept telling us that our children may occasionally revert to a previous stage of child development. perhaps she is a sensitive little thing and when she has settled she aill be fine.

Sorry for the waffle and not sure if any help!


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ever

When I looked at nurseries for DS most of them said it would take about 6-8 weeks for him to settle and that we may have lots of tears and clinginess during that time.  I decided to send him to a nursery where a friends child went so he knew a child there and she was older so looked after him.  He settled with no problems but for a long time would only go to a certain member of staff for help and comfort, now after being there a year he goes to any of the staff.

He did start at a pre-school, not my first choice but we desparately needed him to have more than just the one session at nursery, and I had to remove him due to how upset and clingy he was getting towards me.  I knew something wasn't right as he was fine with nursery but after a couple of weeks (just 1 session/wk) he started getting worse and worse.  Luckily I was them offered a place at my first choice pre-school and he settled straight away there and loves going.

Its hard to know whether things are adoption related or normal behaviour but I think for any 2 yr old going to nursery and being away from Mummy is unsettling and scary.  I would see how things go, hopefully she will get used to the new people and surroundings soon and then things won't be as bad.  

Juest remembered a little boy last school year at pre-school with DS, every session he went to he cried ALL the time before going in and for the first 10-15 minutes of the session.  He has now started school and still isn't very happy about it all!

OT x


----------



## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi ds2 goes to playgroup every morning.  First of all he didn't cry at all for a few weeks and then he seemed to realise that he was being left so he cried every morning for about 10 mins after I left him.  He is now very clingy once inside the building until he gets his hug and kiss goodbye from me and then he is fine and runs off to play with the others.  He does get a little worried if one of the other children there are crying but I tell him that they are just being a silly billy and not to worry and then he is fine again.  He did take to one particular woman when he started there and she took to him as well.  So much so that they used to kiss each other on the mouth when he arrived at playgroup.  I did not feel this was appropriate so complained to the woman in charge and said no kissing on the mouth and she stopped it happening by putting this woman in the kitchen when ds2 arrived.  All little ones cry when they start there and it usually lasts for a couple of weeks and of 10 mins duration daily.  You are doing the right thing with sending your dd there as she has to be separated from you at some point even if it is at school when she is older.  I had a big crush on my first primary school teacher I remember and loved her to bits as she was very caring, soft and feminine and I am not adopted.   to you and dd is very lucky to have such a caring mum.


----------

