# Fighting Fear at 42 years



## Allyj (Jul 11, 2016)

Dear Fertility Friends,

I'm completely new here and have been reading so many lovely accounts and words of support and encouragement that I felt I just wanted to put my thoughts out there...  

As mentioned, I'm 42, single and fighting the fear factor of choosing to become a single mum....all the time so it seems!  One thing I do know though, is that the fear of leaving it till later on in life and having my chances of conceiving even less - would be a huge regret and resentment to me - and something that i definitely don't want to risk...just because i was scared at 42!.

My issues are that I don't have parents or a massive support network.  Friends and certain family members that i've chosen to tell are hugely supportive though.  I just fight this fear constantly of my capabilities in 'doing it on my own'.  I'm very independent, currently self employed and very very rarely do I ask for help!  I guess losing both my parents (my dad when i was 13 and my mum when i was 31) very young, simply made me grow up a lot faster - so i am a strong individual.

I've been to a clinic in Harley Street (LWC) - and had preliminary tests and consultations.  I don't have any medical conditions & have never fallen pregnant. All looked fine with my Pelvic ultrasound scan..but my AMH was very low (1).  I felt quite disenchanted by them as they only gave me a 5% chance of conceiving with DS and my own eggs as they simply don't know the quality of my own Eggs.  Feeling negative and not particularly encouraged by the clinic was a huge disappointment.  I was told that anyone my age conceiving with their own eggs were exceptional.... Their best advice/ rate of success  for me was a 60% chance with DS & DE.  With this information to hand, i just feel as though I couldn't NOT try with my own Eggs first...besides conceiving with DS & DE is a whole other psychological issue that I'd need to assess before 'just going for it'...Trying my own eggs first, then potentially DE is hugely expensive...and I simply don't have pots of money.  

I've done loads of research both online and talking to a therapist and it seems that going abroad is the best chance of success for me.  I'm now looking at the Insituto Bernabeu clinic in Alicante, Spain and hoping to take things further....(fear permitting!)

Fear is a real issue for me....a child is a commitment for the rest of my life and I am scared of all the practicalities, whether i'm capable & the fact my whole life & lifestyle will change....on the other hand i'm excited to know that feeling of becoming pregnant and having a healthy child that will simply complete my life.  Becoming a mother is the one thing i yearned for when i was younger and yet the socially acceptable fairytale of getting married and having children - simply didn't work out for me.  

Apologies in advance if I sound confused and rambling...I hope i'm not being too irrational or abnormal  .

Wishing everyone here Good Luck on their journey & dreams coming true.... xxxx


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Hi Allyj,

I am in the similar situation and older than you.
I understand money is an issue.
Northern Cyprus clinics offer tandem cycles where they collect patent's own eggs and donor eggs same time. If own eggs turn out to be poor quality then donor eggs will be used as a backup. 
I also wanted to give a try to my own eggs , but I feel I do not have sufficient time and money to have multiple cycles. Therefore I have decided to go for a tandem cycle.
Lister clinic recommends DHEA and CoQ10 (ubiquinol) to improve egg quality.


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## Allyj (Jul 11, 2016)

Thanks Lily0750,

To be honest, I'd never heard of Tandem cycles (there's so much to learn and so many options!).  Will definitely look into that...as well as medication for improving egg quality...I'll try whatever I can to improve my chances.
Thank you so much (i've learned something new already!)...and Good luck for 28th!


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## girlwtk (Jul 13, 2016)

I completely understand what you're going through as I'm in exactly the same situation.
I'm 42 and alone and always wanted to be a mum. Some days I feel driven and think yes I can do this, and then other days I'm thinking there's no way I can and then I'm a crying mess. I go to bed at night worried about how lonely I'd feel when I go into labour and how would I cope financially. The thought of never being a mum though makes my heart sink and I'm trying to come to a decision and stick with it without the fear taking over !


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## Allyj (Jul 11, 2016)

Dear Girlwtk,

Thank goodness, I don't feel alone...and I think i'm fairly normal!  I literally battle with my thoughts and fears on a daily basis - just like you and doubt whether I should be going down this road...however, upon reading your thoughts - my gut instinct was immediately to encourage you and say you'll be absolutely fine...just go for it - you can do it!  I can do it too!  I think sometimes over analysing and overthinking (as us women tend to do!) is not too productive in this case.  Other people seem to cope...babies unplanned, even less money and support than we may have.  We are making a choice - so what!  

I know that if someone told me, that I couldn't have children...or even if my own head said "forget about the idea"...I would feel/be devastated - it's not what I want and not what I want to hear...so maybe there's my answer!

I spoke to my brother last night, who is married with 2 adorable little girls and I just said that I can't organise/plan and think about it anymore...that I'm wasting time...SOMEHOW I WILL COPE....as I'm sure you will too...Maybe I just need to get on with it...being 42 and edging towards 43 - I need to give myself the best possible chance and act now!  At least, if it doesn't happen - I will be happy to say I tried.

Its helped me hearing from you - so thank you.  I hope I've helped you too.  

Keep me posted please...xxx


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