# I just can't believe this has happened



## JuicyQ (Aug 18, 2010)

Well I don't know where to start but to tell you all how sad I am. I can't stop crying and I just want the pain to end.

I have had now in total 7 fresh ivf attempts and 2 frozen. My 1st attempt gave us our beautiful cheeky daughter and we will be forever grateful for our little girl.

Sadly since then I have been pregnant 4 times, this last cycle (which was to be the last one I did with my eggs) has just ended following diagnosis of an ectopic in my left tube. The thing that is killing me and I can't get out of my head is that the baby had a heartbeat- it just seems so cruel.

Obviously I am glad that the ectopic was diagnosed and I came to no harm but I just wish that it hadn't ended up in my tube. 

It is early days I know (this all happened on Monday) but I don't know what to do next. It took us effectively 16 embryos to get one with a heartbeat - I'm not sure I can go through that again. Should we carry on with our plan to use donor eggs or have a few more go's with my eggs now we know we can make an embryo with a heartbeat. 

Please help xxxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Juicy,

I do not know what to say to you, you must feel utterly devastated.  

Everything is so raw at the moment, so I think you need to take some time and decide what to do next.  Try and have a lovely Christmas with your daughter and have a talk in the new year and decide what to do next.

I really hope that you have a better 2011.

x


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## Monkey74 (Dec 22, 2010)

Juicyq. That's quite a roller coaster you've been on.  Hope you've been able to take some time to relax and enjoy time with your daughter xxx


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## JBox (Oct 31, 2010)

Juicy, 

I am so sorry to hear that. how awful. i can sort of relate, although in a differnt way. i also have one amazing stunning beautiful fantastic cheeky 3 year old daughter ( naturally conceived) and i have been through 6 IUIs and now am on the 2 ww of my 6th fresh ivf cycle ( really not holding out any hope for this one just was a mechanical cycle to get me to the next stage). I have been pregnant and miscarried twice in the past 2 years and have had 2 chemical pregnancies ... This cycle we decided was going to be our last one with my own eggs. it has taken me about 6 months to come to this decision and about 5 months to get my head round the fact that actually my body is not going to allow me to have any more children in the way i had supposed and that i am going to have to use the help of someone else. i have shed tears, been angry, bitter, frustrated, depressed infact i have gone through every emotion in the book and i cant say that even now i am 100% ok with it, but i have decided that the desire for me to be pregnant and carry another child and bring it into this world and raise it is far greater than that not to!. I dont know your story but i was diagnosed with pof after my little one was born, and every cycles results have got much worse - in fact this cycle i only produced one egg after the max max max amount of stimms. 

life is just so unfair but you musnt let it get to you or beat you. If you have good results with your ivfs with many eggs collected and fertilized, then dont give up on your own eggs. but of course, i am no doctor, and i think you should consult with your clinic and make your decision based on fact and not emotion. 
whatever path you chose do not give up,. 
I am so so sorry that this last cycle resulted in an ectopic, how absolutely awful but  i hope you managed to have a nice xmas with your family- sending you huge hugs.... good luck wtih your decision. its not an easy one xxxx


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## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Dear Juicy,
I am in very similiar situation as you are. I had my preciuos daughter from my firs ICSI. They were twins and only one developed properly and we were so scared that we will lose her too. My fight for my family started 4 years ago. Found DH so very late. And so very unlucky his sperms are crap.. ..
I had my5th treatmetn.. Fresh cycle. it started so well. The hormons were superb.. Everybody thought will be twins for sure.. And first scan showed at 4+5 perfect sack in the right place.. 5+5 showed a beautiful heart beat but my doc did not like the size of sac.. And came to 7+5 it still had hb but only 60pm should have been 160pm.. And tiny size 3.6mm.. And I was told to wait for m/c when eventually heart beat stops.. I had a m/c before in my second ICSI.. But it did not have hb and was small.. Although I was gutted.. Total gutted.. And this time I found waiting for my darling to m/c.. I have tried so hard to get pregnant and found myself to try to m/c my preciuos.. Awful.. 
So I know how you are feeling.. 
As far as eggs concern.. I have plenty eggs.. Yes not as many as the youngsters but good numbers nevertheless and they are good quality.. The fertilization rate is high.. So look at all these and talk to your doctor and decide.. Don't hurry to write your own eggs.. 
My doctor says; I believe him. We will get lucky gain but it is going to take more pain/money/time.. We have to keep on trying.. I have to say I do not know how much we can take.. We are planning to fight this one more year.. It is killing my relationship with my DH.. I am miserabler.. And I mean miserable. I used to be happy lady.. Just naturally happy inside.. it is all gone.. 
Out of all this I hate the fact I can not really enjoy my dear darling daughter becaouse of all these horrific treatments.. And that's the real shame.. Cos she is growing so fast.. And it is not fear on her.. 
What we have to do what we have to do the end line.. Where ever or when ever that will be.. And we have to be clever to win this battle.. The emotions and desperation play a great role of not getting pregnant and staying pregnant as well as having the good egg and sperms.. 
Wishing you lots of lots of luck.. That's something we all so need.. 
Come here and talk to us.. Just fire it away.. We can at least talk aobut it to death.. can't we..
Love to you all. 
Kukixx


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