# How do I get my husband to understand?



## roxcooper (Nov 21, 2011)

Getting pregnant and having a baby means more to me than it does to him although he wants it. Every month and every negative test i get really down as it is so upsetting and i feel like a failure. He says he doesnt want to try if it keeps upsetting me so i keep it all bottled up...no one seems to understand as they have children and get pregnant so easily.    
Any one have any tips on how not to get so upset after every negative result? xx


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

Hi Rox, I dont know the answer but didnt want to read and run.

I do think that some men show there feelings differently to women sometimes though.

Hopefully others can give better advice.

Boleyn xx


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## kiteflyer (May 13, 2011)

Hi Rox,

I'm sorry you are feeling down I think we have all been there  . I felt like a failure for months as my DP has a child already and his ex fell pregnant the first month of trying. Unfortunately I do not think there is an easy fix I have just learnt to cope with my feelings as being upset every month was affecting our relationship and that was more important (you can't have a baby without a man can you   ). Also I thought being more chilled, even though I was at the start, had to be a good thing. So do whatever makes you feel relaxed and give yourself a treat, I started reflexology. Also I do not test I will only do that if my luteal phase is 17 or 18 days long as the chances are I should get a positive, I do not want to see any negatives that to me is more depressing than my AF arriving   .And just try to be patient as all the test seem to take forever!  

Take care


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## belle-bubble (Oct 7, 2010)

Hiya Rox

Yes, I have been there, you describe what I have for many years- I can't tell you how to make things better, but I can tell you something what has helped me, The only person you can change is yourself.... and if you were both crying every month it would be dreadful. 
Every year goes by and it's me and my hubby childless... nothing bloody changes, beeming people showing me bloody baby scans and my oscar winning performance smile when i saw "arrr whens the baby due", and litterally all my friends are pregnant at the mo! no words can express this, it's just utterly sh**e, unfair, and exausting. To be frank, I know no-one personally know has fertility problems, I can tell people how I feel, but they have no idea.. It's hard 

For months I did pregnancy tests (actually it's probably years) please Rox, don't get them- It's just a kick in the teeth everytime and a cycle of self abuse (in my opinion) The convincing yourself, The feeling of utter joy, The toilette checking, The feeling every twinge in your body thinking "om my god"... I have stopped testing for a long time now and if I get my miracle one day, then I'll be over joyed (I had a fertility app on my blackberry I have even deleted that bad boy too now becuase everyday I was checking it, and my sex life was determined by a app on my phone to if it was a "fertile day"-- yep seriously!!) 
The ways you cope, I just don't know... we're women and we just do, the men part..... well, who knows! My hubby is just black and white with everything- work, money, bills, tirdness I guess it's all adds to stress, maybe plan a night Or a day out and when all the escape routes from being at home are gone have a little chat to him, just let him know how you feel-   

The good news is, there are people like you, and me- and there are places who can help, like here- we're all in the same boat, well nearly the same... all wanting the same end result. 

I hope you are feeling a little better today, and always have hope babe, we all should never lose that. xxx


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## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

hi rox, i have been where you are, i felt so alone, like noone not even my partner understood what i as going through, having a family is everything and the only thing i truly want, so every month when that dreading bfn appears my heart breaks. my partner had the attitude of ' well we can always try again' and i felt like he didnt fully understand how i felt. i do not know you and your dh but i know my dp finds it near ipossible to talk about his feelings... something to do with being the man i suppose. until one day, i was in floods of tears and i didnt think i could carry on and after a lot of screaming and shouting, hugs and tears he finally said this,' its not that i do not feel what u feel, it tears me apart every month, and i feel like i have failed u, i feel like i have failed us, as i should be able to give you a child. i just dont want to burden you anymore than u already are u have to deal with your dissapointment i dont want u having to cope with mine aswell.' it was then that i realised that , it wasnt a case of i was alone, it was more like i was going through it all  and letting him knwo every pain and pull and ache, and he was sitting there, silently aching as uch as me, just to manly to admit to it

my point is your dh is more than likely feeling the exact same way as you, and it hurts him just as much, but he is too busy trying to suppport you that he isnt giving his feelings much consideration. try and show him that its ok for him to show his emotions, that it makes u feel better. for me one of the worst feelings was thinking i was going through it alone. now that i know he feels the same, although he doesnt cry at the bfn, i knwo he hurts, and in some little way every month, thi seemed to help me. try showing him your post, ( thats what i did) and i hope that u get the answers you need, BUT you are not alone, every one of us here knows to some extend what ur going through and we are all here .to support you, in a differnt way to your dh, but here all the same.

much love and sorry the post was so long haha 

xxxxxx


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## shelleysugar (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Rox
I completely sympathise as I have been there too.  I protected my DH from my bitter disappointment a bit and saw it as another month to save up money and do things on the house while we are both earning (ever the practical!).  I read the Zita West book which I found really helpful.  She suggested seeing each month as a fresh start and having your period as a cleansing act - which did help a bit.  Each month I convinced myself that the signs of menstruation were actually signs of early pregnancy but I realise now I was just kidding myself.  Eventually we decided a visit to the GP was necessary and actually doing something about it and getting some tests done helped make me feel I was doing something about it and made me feel less helpless.  There are no easy answers and I think we all find different things help.  I personally recommend acupuncture to help with relaxation and can help with your cycle etc.  Even if I've had a stressful day I immediately relax and like the chance to have some 'me' time.  It also gives you a chance to get your head straight.  Good luck Rox and I'm sure it will happen for you soon.
Shelley xxx


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## roxcooper (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your responce. 

I get the 'early pregnancy symtoms' too..looking on the internet convincing myself that i am pregnant, until the negative result and the my period  Im just trying to to think about it anymore cause it just cant stand the disappointment.

I had a very hard weekend. My sister in law announced that she was pregnant with her 3rd child. She wasnt very happy about it as it was a mistake, and didnt want another one, but was going to have it anyway. Im very happy for her but later that day i just bursed out crying, and the next day as well was extremely hard for me. How come people that dont want children, get pregnant so easily? why does she have another one and i cant even have one!?? Why was that child given to her not me? I didnt want to seem selfish at all but it really hurt me, and now i have to see her go through a pregnancy that she didnt really want and i want so bad. The world is really crul to us :-(

xxx


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## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

aww hun im so ver sorry to hear about your recent developement, its never easy when u find out about someone else's pregnancy and its even harder when it is someone close to you, this whole ordeal can make us rather bitter, although we do not mean to be. try not to make yourself feel any worse, its a natural reaction and we have all been there. you are so right when you say this world is so cruel. sometimes i think that if i went out every weekend and had one night stands unprotected, got drunk all the time, smoked 40 cigs a day it would happen, but that not how i was my child to be concieved. i think its possible we want it too much if that make any sence? my only advice would be to distance yourself from the situation as much as you can, and if possible talk to her ( this all depends on if u want people to knwo of your struggle) tell her that you are happy for her, but because you are fining it dificult you would like it if she could not turn to you when she needs someone, as you do not need someone complaining about an unwanted pg when u want it so bad.. i hope things get easier for you i truly do and keep posting here, if anything its a nice release. 

love to you xxx


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## shelleysugar (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Rox
I'm sorry about the latest turn of events.  Does your SIL know that you are TTC?  If she didn't, then I guess her comments could be excused - it is just hard to hear.  I work in a school and regularly work with families that don't seem to want or care for their children and feel that it is a cruel twist of fate that I am now not being given the chance to follow my dreams of having a child of my own.  I've gradually spoken to family and close friends about our situation and everyone thinks back to things they've said and have apologised profusely - my own sister has a 10 week old baby and knew we were TTC from the beginning.  It's tough,and she kept apologising for saying things or moaning about being uncomfortable duing the latter stages of her pregnancy.  I don't want anybody to act differently around me and I am a dedicated Auntie.  I am very lucky to have a supportive bunch of family and friends around me and we are being quite honest and open about what is happening - this helps prevent comments like your SIL.  However, everyone's different and somethings you might want to keep private.  All I can say is, surround yourself with the people who love you and care for you, and look after yourself.  This is not selfish so don't beat yourself up.  Take care Shelley x


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## SoldiersWife (Sep 14, 2011)

Roxcooper,

Keep your chin up hun. Its always so hard seeing that negative result, I used to lock myself in the bathroom until I had cried myself out. My hubby tries to be supportive but he feels that if it doesn't happen then we should just accept it and move on.

Its so hard to explain to him without feeling like Im blaming him (Hubby has a translocated chromosome and low morphology). But to me our position is harder for me to accept because I can have children and I find it difficult to reconcile in my head that by choosing him I inadvertantly chose (potentially) not to have a child. 

I would never leave my husband in order to have a child, hes the love of my life but I cant reconcile myself to being childless. Its a heartbreaking situation and i dont know that you ever stop hurting completely (unless you have a child) but I have found that by focussing on other hobbies and filling my life with the things i love, I can take my mind off the worry. 

I also had hypnotherapy which really did help me to calm down and control my emotions. 

Have you thought about not taking pregnancy tests? I mean keep trying and taking your vitamins but dont test unless your period is more than 10 days late? My friend did this and after 2 years of trying she fell pregnant within 4 months. Obviously if you have any issues such as PCOS or sperm abnormalities this may not be the best approach.

Good luck xxx


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## roxcooper (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks  SoldiersWife

Everyone is just the same thing and it doesn't seem to get easier. Ive decided not to take pregnancy tests, but still when my period comes it just crushes my heart. I hate it when family put my hopes up, like my mom say "You with be pregnant but Christmas, i have this feeling'' but there's no chance of that happening now, feel like such a failure. I just want it so bad  

Thanks everyone for your replies xxx


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## SoldiersWife (Sep 14, 2011)

Aww Rox I know its hard. 

I think that whatever you do its important not to let infertility take over your life. Life is precious and we shouldn't waste it with worries, dont put your life on hold while you try to create another.

Just love and take care of each other. Keep me posted hunny and dont lose hope xx


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## heavenly (Sep 7, 2011)

SoldiersWife said:


> Life is precious and we shouldn't waste it with worries, dont put your life on hold while you try to create another.


That's really nice.

Hugs to everyone on here, let's take each day as it comes and keep positive, if poss, know it's hard though. xx


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