# Best friend pg - am in pieces, advice anyone?



## squirrel2010 (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi all, I am so sorry but I just need to vent  
I have just had yet another BFN, and trying to put the pieces back together after really struggling to cope...
I thought I had a path to go down and a new plan and I was even sticking my best foot forward. Always the way isn't it - one step forward, three back. 
My best friend told me she was pg tonight, and in that one  moment, I have gone back to feeling utterly broken. We try and try and try and break ourselves doing this ivf, for the chance at having a baby. We dont get to have that surprise -' i'm pregnant ' conversation with family or friends, we dont get to just have sex, we dont get to have an easy ride. We try with our whole body and soul, and then the world or whoever, slaps you in the face again. Of course i am happy for her. But yet another friend who disappears through into another world i am not part of. I cant face seeing pg people, i cant face hearing everyone gush at them, i cant face the changes that inevitably happen when one friend is left behind and the other goes merrily forwards. I havent got it in me to pretend and put that face on, everytime we meet up. I hate the fact that IF / IVF screws with your relationship with everyone in your life. I dont want to be this bitter, weird, lonely squirrel with no friends left because i am the one left behind but i truly find it so distressing and hard to see my friends merrily moving on to exactly where i want to be. I dont want to treat her differently, but i know i will. I hate myself for it  
I just want to hide from everyone until i can get my bfp, and then suddenly pop back into society again when i can feel a part of it. I admit it, i am jealous, sad, hurting and hate feeling like this. I am happy for her but why does that make me feel so bad?
Am i mad? Am i really this evil bitter resentful jealous husk of who i used to be? 
Any help gratefully received, a very sad squirrel   xx


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Squirrel. I am so sorry you're feeling like this at the moment. I don't think you're mad, or bitter (or if you are, then I am too) but it's a natural reaction to a horrible situation.

I am not sure I have any helpful advice, but I have felt exactly how you're feeling - when my best friend was pregnant and (more of a surprise, as I didn't know she wanted kids) when my little sister announced her pregnancy. I honestly think that is the lowest I have ever felt. Trying to cope with the whole concept at once is mind-blowing - in a similar way to you not being able to handle the changes and being left behind, I would get to the point of being calm and then think about my sister having these new experiences I couldn't share (yet, I hope) & my parents being grandparents. I felt awful about myself that my reaction to my little sister having such happy news was to cry my heart out. 

The only thing I've found that works was telling them how I felt - that I was happy for them, but sad for me and struggling watching. Then, as far as possible, I've been involved - because however hard it is the alternative - drifting from my friends and my sister - was worse. In fact, my best friends eldest girl is one of the highlights of my life and a great protection against random parent chat (instead of thinking how sad I am that I can't join in parent discussions, I just talk about her). Because they know I'm struggling, I'm forgiven if I don't go to birthday parties or have an off-day. 

My little sister was also fab - I'd got into knitting (my 2012 plan was I can't have kids at the moment, so I'm going to learn to make my own clothes) & she got me a book on making baby toys, so I had a role in planning for the baby and something to focus on that I could get so caught up in the details that I wasn't looking at the bigger picture.

Sending you


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi squirrel
I know exactly how you feel.. When I was just starting my second icsi, my best friend told me she was pregnant.
I knew I would not be able to go thru my grief and put a mask on for her which is essentially what I would be forced to do. I wrote her a letter asking for some time. Sadly, she took it really really bad
and felt that we should be able to 'navigate' our friendship. I am still heartbroken that she was not able to give me this time- 
So, I would advise caution as even though I thought my friend was incredibly empathetic, I just think ppl do not get it and don't understand that it feels like your whole life is slipping away and that there are daily impacts that those through that wall cannot see. I would also say do not beat yourself up with the 'jealousy tag'. I felt a long time that I was a bad person but as time has gone on I realise that what I asked was not awful and if my friend chose to misread my intentions, then that is not in my control. Hope this is helpful, please remember what you are feeling is normal.. I often felt it was like us both getting a horrible disease and being asked to go to her remission party- no, I'm dying here! Dramatic maybe, but this is how I felt. Xxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Squirrel

I can also definitely relate to how you're feeling and the things you have said.  My best friend phoned me early last year to tell me she was pg and to say it was the last thing I expected her to tell me is an understatement!  She always came across as being really not that bothered about wanting children, and wasn't in a great relationship, so I stupidly thought babies were well and truly off her agenda - I thought she was a 'safe' friend.  After that phone call I described the feeling as my world falling apart around me.  I went totally numb at first, the phone slipped out of my hand on to the floor and then the tears started, and I continued bawling my eyes out for the next few days (at least!).  I hoped over time I'd adjust to the situation and come to terms with it, but sadly I haven't and I know that's all my fault, I just can't seem to get over my bitterness, jealousy, hurt, anger, frustration etc etc.  I asked her to be patient with me and give me time, which she did, but she didn't always understand - we had good days and then we'd have days when I'd want to scream in her face and say "but you don't understand how I'm feeling!".  She's now had her baby and sadly things are not any better, I haven't met or even seen baby, and at the moment have no desire to.  I feel so awful for the way I'm behaving but I just can't help it, it just hurts far too much    DH partly showed me a photo of baby on ******** last night (I didn't see baby's face) and after seeing the picture it was like I'd just had the wind knocked out of my sails, it sent me crashing down again and spent the rest of the eve crying again.  Poor DH felt so bad, he didn't realise it would affect me so much.  It's the worst feeling ever watching your friends moving on in to the world of parenthood, being exactly where we want to be, but we're left behind feeling isolated and alone - on the other side of the fence just peering in wondering what it's like over there.

You are certainly not mad, you are just someone who is hurting very much and trying to come to terms with the biggest challenge you've ever had to face.  Sadly I don't have any great words of wisdom, but just to say that you are not alone in how you feel and we're all here for you to listen and understand  

Be gentle on yourself xxx


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## sonyab1983 (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi Squirrel,

My god, if I'd of not seen your post, I'd of wrote pretty much bang on what you have said..

I've been TTC for 9 years,  the last 4 years have become more serious with tests and what not you know the score & something always comes in the way!! Anyway on Monday i got a letter for my app in March to poss start IVF may/June, i was thrilled..I had a holiday booked for May so decided to cancel, it wasn't has straight forward as we are going in a group and so that my friends could get a free child i had one in my room, which meant i haven't been able to transfer holiday (friends just said no cant go any other dates). I'd just put on ******** how much of a ****ty day i was having when my mobile goes (this was last night)... My best friend who comes on all holidays with me, met her partner a year and a half ago says i have something i need to tell you, i feel so bad but i said to her don't please don't say it and passed the phone to my hubby i cried all night last night, I'm happy for her of course, but right now i am utterly broken and in bits.

My friend has never really had a fella until now (she's 34) still lives at home like he does and are due to get married next year. I love her to bits but right now i hate her, i want to hide away and see no-one until after my IVF, if only...
All my friends have children, I'm the only one now that doesn't.

So Squirrel i am so feeling your pain, it hurts so bad. Sending you big hugs   xx


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## Smith8450 (May 29, 2012)

I totally feel for all of us! You are not alone!

You will see from my details below that I am one of the lucky one's who did have a natural pregnancy and my daughter is nearly 6 now. We were told 2 years before I fell pregnant that we had 2 options, come to terms with the fact we would not have children or go on to have ICSI. We have been trying for another baby since my daughter was born and last year had a failed ICSI cycle.

I had 'the phone call' some 3 years ago now. My friend was aware of my situation and I had known her many years. She never had any problems getting pregnant even when I told her I was pregnant she called me a few days later to say they were going to try for another baby and sure enough literally 2 weeks later she phoned me to say she was pregnant! She already had 2 other children and had previously had 3 abortions for various reasons. This, however was not 'the call'.
  Now the day I got 'the call' she was hysterical on the phone asking me to go round that evening so I did. At this point she went on to tell me she had met up with a guy from school whom she had been flirting with on ********. She proceeded to tell me that they had ended up having sex that night and that the next few days she felt awful towards her husband. That her and her husband had been going through a rough patch and this had made her realise that she wanted to make it work with her husband. So I sat there listening and put my good adviser head on and offered what I thought was the end of the story, that well, at least she had realised what she had and she should live with the guilt and move forward. It was at this point she told me that she had just found out that she was also pregnant! I was floored  

She said she didn't know what to do and I just sat there like a spare part breaking inside! I said I can not offer any advice and she had to do what she felt was right. I left that night heart broken! I got a call some days later asking me to help her. She wanted an abortion and had not told anyone else and would I go with her whilst she went through it! Now, not only had she lied to her husband, cheated on him, got pregnant to another man, I was now a part of this and it went against all my morals and everything I believe in. But, I felt that as her friend I should put my feelings to one side and be there for her. Well, when the day came it was like I was in a bubble. 8 women in the same room all doing the same thing. Lunch provided for you. TV on. OMG it was that 'normal'! 

When it was all over she went home and got on with her life, me- it totally destroyed me! I turned to food and comfort ate 3 stone on in 4 months. I felt as though I had done everything she had and I was paying the price!

I felt that I would never allow myself to be treated like this again that it was her problem and not mine but a year later she phoned me and asked me to babysit for her as her husband was having a vasectomy! FFS! Now I don't think I must be the only one who thinks that this is very insensitive!

Well as I said it is now 3 years later. I have forgiven myself. I am still 2 stone heavier than I was then and every day is a constant battle with my emotions. 

We have just booked our next consultation at a different clinic with a view to having tx in June. We get no financial help towards the cost as we have a daughter. Yet I sit and think about how all them people that one day in that one hospital got all that care and food and facilities provided for them to get rid of as life. In my friends case, the 4th one! Even though contraception is also provided free of charge!

We all have our stories to tell of what p's us off from EVERYONE being pregnant but us etc etc and the hurt not going away, just the knife feels like it gets lodged a bit deeper!

Sorry for the long story! I totally understand how you all feel! Lots of love and luck for all of us with our tx


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## jaykay76 (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi,

I can really relate to this post. My friends now seem to fall into 3 categories; A few who have been through similar fertility experiences to me, and so can relate to my situation; Those who haven't been through any infertility issues, but are very sensitive and empathic towards my feelings; And those who don't have a clue! it is the latter group of friendships that have suffered, as they don't understand at all, they are of the 'it will happen' brigade, who are unable to handle my emotions. I can't talk to these friends at all, one or two are now pregnant, and I have quietly cut contact as it is too painful
My best friend recently told me she was pregnant, completely out of the blue. She had agonised over telling me for ages, she was so worried about hurting me. But I am happy for her, and know that is it OK for me to share in her joy because she understands my pain. My friend is also very sensitive about what she outs on **, and no details of her pregnancy are on there.
If they are you true friend, they will understand. There are lots of people, including family, that I cannot talk to, but I am lucky that I have a small group of friends that I fell 'emotionally safe' with, and I think that is really important to stay sane!

Sending lots of      and thank goodness for the support found here! xxx


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## Katht (Dec 12, 2009)

HI everyone! Just wanted to share my experience as it has been some comfort to read your posts and think maybe I am not going mad!  My best friend and I went through an IVF cycle in Nov.  It was her first on the NHS, my sixth and spent £50,000 trying, with already 2 m/cs behind me.  Discussed moving my cycle with DH as concerned my worst nightmare would come true, well it has!  I miscarried at 6 weeks again and her pregnancy is progressing fine, she is a week behind where I should have been.  She has just announced her pregnancy on ******** with a 12 week scan photo.  I have been distraught should have been my turn!  I feel so horrible and guilty for feeling so much anger and jealously.  I cannot bear to visit her.  I have been quite brave and wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and I also text her to say that I had seen the photo and was glad that everything was OK.  So hopefully the friendship is not completely ruined but there is no way that I want to see her bump just cannot face it, so feel I have lost a best friend now due to this infertility lark.  When will the nightmare stop.  Thinking of you all and thanks for sharing your experiences. Kath x


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## squirrel2010 (Nov 6, 2010)

Ladies - i cannot thank you enough for your posts. I was feeling so horrible, about my reaction - and you have all helped me realise it is normal. Well normal for IF stricken people that is!

Littlecat - thank you, I liked your comment about 'drifting away from close friends and family' being worse than approaching their happy news. I think you are incredibly brave, and possibly stronger than I, to be making such an effort to involve yourself. I think I may have days when I can and days when I cant. Xx

Katehe - thank you for the warning. I think you are right - we have to hope our friends will understand our reaction, and maybe it sorts out who is truly a friend and who isnt...i liked your remission party comment, I agree!! I think I might write a letter to her, but not necessarily send it... Xx

Nosilab - I feel the same as you - bad for feeling the bitterness, anger, frustration etc, and I keep beating myself up for being a horrible person. What you said about sitting on the other side of the fence really struck home. I could not agree more. I feel like she has gone through to the happy place, and I am stuck in hell - feeling all the more lonely. Your story and the other girls here ring true, and I am coming to the conclusion we shouldnt beat ourselves up for this reaction xx

Sonyab - you poor thing. I know exactly how you feel, As do the other girls on here. I know what you mean about the love for a friend turning into hate. I dont think it is a real hate, just a hatred of the situation and the unfairness. I am pretty much the only one left now, and even the local girls I know through FF have all got there except a couple of us. Sigh... Xx

Smith - OMG, you poor thing. Your friend sounds utterly ridiculous and I cannot believe she out you into that situation. All I can say is that it reflects well on you , that you were a good friend to her but realised how wrong she was. Dont take that burden on, friends like her need to be put at a safe distance. You deserve more than that! Good luck for June xx

JayKay - i want your safe group of friends! For me, it is my single friends, and that seems to be it. I am constantly terrified of friends ringing to tell me news, so much so that I am avoiding everyone right now. You are right, we need to pick people we can be emotionally safe with and who have empathy. What strikes me is that the very people you think will be brilliant - are often the ones who are useless...yup, thank goodness for you girls and FF! Xx

Katht - you are right...It does feel like you lose a friend. This whole journey is about grief and loss, and each time I 'lose' a friend to easy pregnancy, it makes me remember all the other losses. I wish so much our nightmare would stop xx

Everyone - you are so kind for replying to my plea for help  . I need to find some coping mechanisms for this, because I know full well I am going to be pressured into spending lots of time with her, because that is what our group of friends does...I think I might write a letter to her, and show it to my other friend first in case it is a bit brutal. I am also going to ask my counsellor some advice. I need to prepare myself as my very fertile sister is trying for her second baby and that is going to be another dagger in me. I treated her so badly with her first pg and I just couldnt cope. I find it hard enough to see random pregnant people in the street, and for some reason - the pain is magnified a million times the closer I am to someone ie sister, best friend. My sister didnt get it - she said she thought because we were close - I should have been able to rise above it even more, and be fine with it. She still doesnt get that the opposite is true... Thank you for making me feel normal for having all these emotions. Lets try and figure out a plan to cope?! This isnt going to stop happening, and I cant bear the pain and the isolation. For now - avoidance til I figure it out..... Love and best wishes to you all xxxx


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Squirrel, I just wanted to say, like the other girls,  I completely understand what it's like.  The pain is unbearable and it is torture!  My second cycle has just resulted in a negative which has ended my world yet again.  . The first cycle resulted in an ectopic which I don't think I will ever get over.  I really don't know how to cope at the moment.  Like you and the others say, everyone seems to be announcing their happy news which breaks my heart.  I have spent the last ten years being so excited for all my friends (there are now nearly 30 children throughout my friendship groups) but I just can't do it any more!!  This cycle, my sister, sister in law and several friends have announced their news and it's tearing me apart.  My sister in law was so unsympathetic and unsupportive with our loss and she only has to think about getting pregnant and she does!  My sister rang us two weeks ago on the day we we told they wanted to cancel our treatment and we wouldn't be offered anymore, to tell us she was 'accidentally' 13 weeks pregnant and she didn't know how they would cope!!!!  It has devastated me and I feel like such an awful person.  What kind of a sister am I?!  I know my parents are devastated for us but I also know how thrilled they will be at becoming grandparents for the first time and this breaks my heart.  I can't take any more of it not being us delivering such happy news.  I feel this will tear my family apart.  They mean the world to me but I just feel I can't be part of it because it hurts so much.  My sister won't understand as she doesn't get how torturous this whole journey is.  She has previously said, 'well, just adopt or get a donor egg and get on with it' so I know she won't be sympathetic to me wanting to take a back seat with it all.  I feel so guilty as I would give anything for us to still be pregnant then I could really get so excited with her through her pregnancy, but my heart aches too much and I can't do it.  Anyway, I am so sorry you and all the other ladies are also feeling such anguish and heartache and I hope you all have your own happy news to share soon and that we all have our miracles one day with all our hopes and dreams coming true soon!  Love to all, Emma xxx


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