# Starting the Journey - Taking things personally and irrationally



## Sparky78 (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife and I have been trying to conceive for 2 1/2 years, last year my wife fell pregnant, but unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic which resulted in (Thanks to NHS rules and lack of any out of hours medical service in Cornwall at the time) emergency surgery and the loss of a tube. Anyway the consultant who operated, checked the other tube and told s everything looked great on that side, so after a while we recommenced TTC.

After 12 months with no joy, we started fertility checks with our doctors, a week after the first appointment my wife found she was pregnant again, this started what was to become a 3 week roller coaster, after a week of being ecstatic things started to go wrong again, after a five hour wait in a&e they declare my wife was not pregnant and sent us off to the gynae ward for what was to become a rerun of 15 months earlier, but in many respects far worst.

My wife ended up staying in for over week, one day she would be told she was pregnant, the next day shes not, the next day it looks like another ectopic. After 6 days of this constant changing we got the news from the latest blood HCG results that everything looked great and my wife could go home, however the next day we had to go back for the 3rd TV ultrasound in a week. Anyway we went in the next day feeling pretty positive and it all came crashing down - it was another ectopic and my wife would need to be readmitted and have surgery later that day and have the other tube removed.

I have never felt devastation like it, for me I felt like a passenger, the medical profession were not talking to me, the very worst moment was when they asked my wife if she has children (She has a 15 year old by a previous relationship), when she replied yes, the answer was basically well you won't mind too much that you can't have any more then - they never even acknowledged me, which felt a bit like being kicked while you're down, there was no discussion of future options - for me it felt at that moment that there would be no opportunity to have kids ever.

After the operation and bringing my wife home, we basically had week together licking our wounds which was much needed, during that week a letter arrived from the Dr inviting my wife for a TV scan to have a look at the causes of our earlier difficulty in TTC - the worst of this was telling them we wouldn't be attending where they really did not want to take no for an answer. This was followed a couple of days later by a sample pot for a sperm sample from myself - more on that one later!

During the week discussions arose on the future, where we are now considering IVF, unfortunately the NHS will not be an option as my wife has a child from a previous relationship - WHAT A RIDICULOUS RULE!!! However we are going to give ourselves some time to recover before starting that journey - one of the biggest problems of being in Cornwall is for IVF you have to accept that you can't do it close to home.

Since then (I can't believe it was only 8 weeks ago), we have been planning for the future and next year we are going to build our own house before starting the IVF route. But every now and then you get another kick in the guts, just to remind you: -

1. Being asked if I would like to be godfather to my nephew, which I just couldn't face two weeks after the operation
2. Getting the results from the semen analysis, which came out the low end of normal, but I guess that isn't particularly relevant anymore.

The very worst one was finding out last week that a colleagues wife is pregnant and she is due in 8 weeks, hearing the discussions in the office about it are so painful, I'm dreading the day they have their baby and a card comes around the office to sign, as it stands at the moment I don't think I could actually sign it, it feels like its a personal dig and rubbing my nose in it some more - totally irrational but I can't help it!

Anyway, heres to the journey ahead....


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Welcome to FF and a big  Sparky. Lots of people forget about the man's perspective on this.

I too fell foul of IVF sibling rules - my DH had two sons from a previous relationship; they did not live with us and were, in fact, more or less grown up before we started TTC - so I totally understand your frustrations.

For what it's worth, when you are ready to go down the IVF route, you may want to look into IVF abroad - if you are going to have to travel, may as well make a holiday of it! Often it's cheaper outside the UK. Alternatively you could look into egg sharing (depending on your wife's age as most need you to be under 35 to donate) as a way if reducing costs. 
As for your sperm; there's a number of things you can try to improve quality (have a look in the supplements, Male factors or the TTC naturally threads for ideas). Even if it's not terribly relevant as you will still need IVF, it's still a good idea to maximise your chances of it working by ensuring you are living fertility friendly lifestyles in the months leading up to treatment.

As for how to cope with those real life moments reminding you of your own pain; the best advice anyone gave me to push aside the envy was to remember that it's their baby and not yours and you don't want their baby, you want your own. It helps to an extent but it also helps to be around people who understand just exactly what the pain and longing is like.

We do also have a men's room where you can share your thoughts with other husbands and partners, which you might find useful right now: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=89.0



C~x


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