# Straight or host with egg donor?



## Bria (Nov 3, 2005)

Hi there

I'm a hopeful surrogate that would be comfortable doing either straight or host but my husband is dead against straight surrogacy for me.  He thinks that deep down I would always see that child as mine and it would be hard for the child to not think of me as it's "real mother" when he/she was older.  I don't agree but have to respect him as I can't do this without his support.

I was just wondering if my husband is alone in this view or if others feel the same?  Are there any IPs out there who need a straight surrogate but have decided to go with a host and an anonymous egg donor?  

Also does anyone have any good advice I can give to my husband to try and change his mind?


----------



## Lorna (Apr 8, 2004)

May I suggest you read  A Matter of Trust: The Guide to Gestational Surrogacy  by Gail Dutton  ISBN: 0965596605

In the USA, everything has been tried, and some things work, and some don't.  Gail draws, on lots of research, and has written a book about surrogacy practices in the USA.

*EVERY* single case in which the surrogate has wanted to keep the baby, has been one in which the surrogate has used her own eggs.  *NO* surrogate has ever fought to keep a child, where the intended mother's eggs or an egg donor's eggs were used.

As a result, in the USA, it is almost impossible to find a traditional surrogate.  Also in the USA, contested baby cases occur in about one in every 15,000 - 25,000 surrogacies.  In the UK, because of the shortage of egg donors, kind hearted surrogates often offer to let couples use the surrogate's eggs.  In the UK, there are about a 100 hundred surrogate births a year, and about one contested baby case every 1-2 years!

Yes there are surrogates, in the USA, who use their own eggs, and are able to hand over the child, but if a surrogate uses her own eggs, it seems to be harder for her.

Sorry I seem to be coming down on the side of your husband.  Try reading the book and then make up your own mind

You must be a wonderful person to be a surrogate.  I hope your dream comes true

Lorna


----------



## Bria (Nov 3, 2005)

Thanks Lorna for such a straight forward and honest reply   I will definetly track down a copy of that book.


----------



## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Bria

I am a former intended mother and now surrogate mother. My husband and I struggled with fertility problems for over 10 years before we turned to surrogacy. I had ovulation problems and rarely had periods let alone produced any eggs. Also when I was stimulated with fertility drugs my womb lining was of very poor quality making it almost impossible for an embryo to implant. Our little miracle was born in Oct 96. She was born via straight surrogacy. We could have chosen to try host surrogacy with my eggs but as I had a bad reaction to the drugs and over stimulated when I had IVF myself I was not happy to continue with more drug treatment. I'd had years of fertility drugs and was worried about the long term side effects. I felt enough was enough. It was straight surrogacy for us. 

I remember my husband wondering if I would feel left out as I would not be genetically related to our child.  To me, for one of us to be genetically related was a bonus. When our child was born I bonded with her immediately. To be honest I could have bonded with any child, I had so much love to give to a child and all I wanted to be was a "mother". My daughter has grown up knowing how she was born and we are still close friends with our surrogate mother. 

Since then my situation has changed. We tried for another child but were unsuccessful despite 13 cycles of treatment. Fate had other plans for us and 3 years after our first child was born I discovered I was pregnant myself. There followed 3 more children and now I am the proud mum of 4 children.

When I got pregnant with our 3rd child, my eldest daughter suggested I be a surrogate mother myself to help a lady with a broken tummy, because my tummy was now mended (she was only 4 years old at the time). This took me by surprise but as I had actually considered this myself I started to think about it more and more.

We had a 4th child and 3 months later I officially joined Surrogacy UK as a surrogate mother. I found a couple I liked almost straight away. I waited 6 months from the birth of my baby and then started inseminations. We conceived on the 5th attempt. I gave birth to their son in November 2004. I am currently pregnant with a second surrogate child for another couple due in January 2006. I waited 6 months before starting again and found to my amazement I got pregnant on the 1st attempt, this time round. 

I chose to do straight surrogacy each time. My reasons for this are, I see it as egg donation but am taking it one stage further. The baby would not exist if it wasn't for the intended father's sperm. Each month my eggs are just going to waste so why not help someone have a child with one of them.  With straight surrogacy I could do the inseminations myself in the privacy of my own. Much less clinical and no side effects from any drugs. It is the baby of the intended parents. You bond with the intended parents, not the baby. 

I could have chosen to do host surrogacy but at this time in my life with 4 young children to care for, I felt it would have been difficult to travel to the hospital for all the treatment. Our nearest hospital is a 2 hour drive away. I have done this myself in the past for my own fertility treatment and it was a strain then, with no children to care for. 

My friends and family are of the opinion that it does not matter whose egg it is, most of them would be too afraid to be a surrogate themselves as they fear they might bond with the baby. Even women who are not particularly maternal and hate being pregnant have said this to me. Whereas I am very maternal - so how can I do this without suffering emotional pain at the end?

I did not know how I would feel at the end but was prepared to take the chance if it meant helping someone achieve the joy I had achieved in becoming a mother. If I felt emotionally damaged I would put it down to experience. I could never take the hopes and dreams of a baby away from a couple who had placed all their trust in me.

Throughout the pregnancy I always felt it was "their baby". Both my intended parents have been very involved in the surrogacy arrangement. The intended parents attending all the scans and my intended mother attending every ante-natal appointment. We also met up every month socially either in each other's homes or at Surrogacy UK Get Togethers.  I gave birth in November last year and felt nothing but joy. I did not even feel a little down afterwards. I came home to my 4 wonderful children and thought, I've helped create a family, how wonderful is that! My second arrangement has been much the same. An arrangement based on friendship.

I waited for the baby blues to come after the birth as I had been told they most probably would but I would get through it. I had the support of all my friends at Surrogacy UK to help me through it. However, the blues never did happen. Emotionally, I felt very much on an even keel and very contented. 

Since the birth I've met up with my couple and their baby many times. I look at their baby and think what a cutie. I have no regrets and it is wonderful to see the glow of parenthood etched on their faces. 

My own surrogate child knows she is "special" and we have brought her up to always know how she was born. I think it has helped that we have stayed in contact with our surrogate mother and we meet up regularly as friends. She loves her dearly for the special person she is but looks to me as her mother. She calls her surrogate mother her "tummy, mummy".

There have been some "straight" surrogacy arrangements as well as "host" surrogacy arrangements that have not worked out in the past in the US and UK.  This tends to happen where people have rushed into surrogacy and there has been a break down in communications. If you take your time getting to know each other, there is nothing that cannot be resolved. 

It is rare for people to do surrogacy in the UK with an egg donor as well as a surrogate mother. This would mean finding 2 people rather than one. I am not saying it cannot be done, but it would be much harder to achieve. Most clinics have long waiting list for egg donation, approximately 1-2 years for each cycle of treatment. This is not the case in the US as people can be paid to be egg donors. Most people in this country either do straight surrogacy or host surrogacy. Sometimes people do use an egg donor, but as I said it there would be the added complication of finding an egg donor. 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Whatever you do, you are right, you have to consider the husbands views as you will need his support. 

Jayne


----------

