# Reference dilemma



## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Need so advice from my friends out there  

1) We have named our 3 references and one is my brother, with whom we have regular contact and has known me with our nephew and neices. Another is my best friend who has children of her own and has known me for 40 years and DH for nine, but he doesn't know her children. For the last reference ............. we are stuck. We have given them the names of two friends I used to know but one has already been told she is not suitable and we have been asked to provide another.

It is not possible to find someone who visits us regularly, has seen us with children, has known us for a while etc.

DH comes from one town, I come from another and we married and moved to a third town. If we see anyone, we visit them.

Any advice? 

2) We have been told we are too isolated and do not have many friends (true  ) they have express concerns about the support network, can I ask how people dealt with this question? 

I feel like Billynomates   ................ at least I have a lot of good advice on this forum.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I had this problem myself. We didn't have a 3rd reference who had seen either of us with children. We ended up using a family friend of mine who my husband also knows well, though he is more a friend of my parents and he has never visited us in our home. If you can't think of anyone who has seen you with children they do like someone who has children themselves as they asked our referee lots of questions about what he thought we would be like as parents.

In terms of support network this was difficult as we have moved around a lot and they do like local support. All our family are far away. We put friends we have from various places we have lived though we have not actually seen some of these for years, people we have met more recently though we don't actually know them that well and both sets of neighbours who we don't know well. You can really make it sound better than it is if you think about it, don't rule people out because you think well I havn't seen them for ages or I don't know them that well etc. 

We went from the sw at our initial meeting saying our support network would be a weak point to being described in our final report as very sociable.


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks for your reply, it's nice to know we are not the only ones having trouble  

All we can do is ask people who have seen us seperatley with  children and have children of their own. We met late in life, so we just cannot fill the criteria they want. DH's best friend lives in Zurich, Switzerland and we are prepared to fly him over to be our reference if needs be  

Your advice about the support network seems good, I'm sure we can find people who would be prepared to help or give advice. Do you know how big your support network has to be?


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Hi

Just checked my PAR. We have 17 names on our support network, 5 family members, 2 neighbours, 5 friends who live quite far, 4 local friends and 1 work colleague if that helps. Don't know how this compares to anyone else. 

I would think instead of a 3rd reference seperate references for the two of you should be fine. Our last reference doen't meet my la's criteria but sometimes its just not possible.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

make sure that you put down this forum on your support network, as well any local playgroups/ clubs that you may get involved with in the future. You don't have to see your network people every day, but talking on the phone/ skype/ ******** on a regular basis counts too! Some of my closest friends and good support are currently in Africa!


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Oh, thanks for the advice - I'll start a list now so that when the question comes up I will sound as though I know what I am talking about


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Flick, we had a similar problem and we used  as references my mum, my brothers partner, my friend down the road,my husbands aunt, and my husbands friend. As you can see most of them are family. On our support network we used the same people and a few others this forum also I used the endometriosis forum also and I also put down my GP. Try to think who you will turn to for different scenarios and you will soon come up of a few people you didn't even think off.

Good luck
Skyblu.xxx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We put down groups we knew existed but that we hadn't joined yet e.g. country-specific adoption support groups (but there are other groups for UK adopters, more in fact) and local parent and toddler groups, and we also put down one of the email lists we are on (frankly I find the message boards more supportive but I thought the SWs wouldn't really understand that).


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

I think our Support network is beginning to look more healthy now  

Thanks for the tips about parent and toddler groups/clubs and also neighbours. I am starting to consider not just friends and family, but wider ranging support from GP's, medical people, schools and, as Skyblu mentioned, who we would turn to in an emergency and in different scenarios. I am getting my list ready so when she asks us we are prepared.

Thanks for all your replies, it has really helped


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