# Update



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I know I have been a bit rubbish and only posting occasionally  but have been around (apart from last week when I was away). I returned to work last Thursday for the first time in 5 weeks. Everyone has been very supportive and I have found it very difficult admitting that I had/have a problem and need support. Had a difficult childhood and learnt to put those walls up at a very early age, now I find it diffcult to let them down. I am feeling better (Nicky Defago's book was great) but I am still feeling tags of sadness. For eg yesterday I met a couple who are friends with my cousin. They are young, beautiful, married and very nice people and you could just see what a wonderful life they had ahead of them with their future children and once again I started to feel inadequate. My rational side knows this is crazy but I seem to feel inadequate quite a lot these days, like I'm not a real woman! I am being totally honest here as I need to get it out and feel this is a safe place. The other problem I have is in the bedroom. My sex life has been terrible for the past 4 years. Originally the problems started when I became ill. First off I had a nasty perianal abscess, then was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid after feeling unwell fo 10 years and then endo and chocolate cysts. After that we discovered DH condition and then embarked on ICSI. During this time DH also found out he had skin cancer, we got married and moved house. I know this is a lot for a couple to go through and I am not surprised it has affected our sex life but even though my drive  is slowly returning I can't let my wall down for fear of opening Pandora's box.

I was sexually abused as a child and so sex for me is very strongly linked to my emotions. If I let go I am not sure I can handle it. DH is being very patient as he knows he can only touch me for a certain amount of time and then I push him away. I have had counselling I know that the rest is up to me. Just not sure how to take that step. DH also feels under pressure to perform which doesn't help us. Anyone else had these problems? Sorry if too personal but no-one else to talk to about it that might understand. I have made some progress with feeling more positive and I feel these 2 areas are my biggest hurdles in accepting our childless life together. I am also going to make an appt with a Thyroid specialist who also looks at your adrenal function in the hope that I start to feel better physically as well.

Thanks for listening.
xx


----------



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hello Yamoona  ,

I don't know what to say. There have been so many things happening for you over the years, so no wonder you feel awful. Life has treated you really badly.

It is hard to let down your defences when you have created them for good reason - I'm sure many people can relate to that. Asking for help can feel like a weakness - but it isn't, and once you do, you find there are so many people out there who want to offer support.

I'm equally sure that many on these boards can relate to problems in the bedroom - I know I can, but for far less serious reasons than you. Trying to perform to a schedule takes all spontaneity and joy from sex - for both partners.

I wish I could think of something helpful to say to you. I am sending you cyber support in the form of  

Take care.

Love,
Nickah
xxx


----------



## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Yahmoona
Just wanted to give you a big   after reading your post. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. It sounds like you have had some really awful times. I think  its perfectly natural to be feeling bad about your physical relationship with your dh. It sounds like he is really supportive though...? Don't put too much pressure on yourself to do or feel anything - just spend time together, enjoying each other's company if you can.....
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful - but just couldn't 'walk by' your post.

Lots of love xx


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Dear Yamoona

Having read your post the first thing that sprang to my mind is that you must be a remarkable couple to have survived all this IF stuff and everything else combined.  Like Ruby, I couldn't just click past.

I'm glad you feel as though you are making progress; try not to let the "tags of sadness" get you down, for me they hung around for some time and a natural part of the process, they just became less and less frequent.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom on the bedroom front except to say that we found the whole IVF thing a complete and utter passion killer and it took a long, long time to rediscover with any enthusiasm the intimate side of our relationship. 

Good luck with the thyroid specialist.

flipper


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Yamoona, 

I'm no expert on the whole sex thing, but for what its worth, when I've had issues in this area, related to IF or not, a book called The Mirror Within by Anne Dickson has been of some help, and I seem to remember that Relate also publish a Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships that I found quite helpful but no longer have a copy of. I do have the other one, and could post it to you if you like, but would want it back within 5 weeks as its one of the things I'd like on my book table at the workshop. 

PM me your address if you want me to send it. 

Be easy on yourself as you get back to health....


Love, 

MM xxx


----------



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dearest yamoona, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time.   
You certainly have a lot to deal with.
I can not imagine how hard it is having had an abusive upbringing to find youself facing all the things you have mentioned plus IF. 
I think that IF plays havoc with most couples sex lives and if there are already issues then it makes it very very hard. Sex is supposed to offer comfort and closeness from the other issues and it's hard if it becomes a source of distress in itself.
You said that "it's basically up to me" but I wander have you had any help in that specific area. Would your GP be able to point you in the right direction? She may be able to suggest a good therapist with an interest in sex therapy.
It certainly sounds like all your difficulties have not driven you and your partner apart and have made you close as a couple so that is a good basis to start with.
One of the things you said was that you where afraid to open Pandora's box. Maybe for you that fear is the key.
Good on you for having the courage to write what you did and express your feelings. Please know that you are not alone
Take care and lots love across the miles
Joanne


----------



## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear Yamoona,

You have been through so much, I will not even pretend I can imagine what it must have been like for you. But I just wanted to add my voice to those here already who are letting you know you are not alone. I know just what you mean about feelings of inadequacy around 'the beautiful people' who seem to be a unique group where things just appear to land in their lap and they never seem to struggle for anything (sweeping statement I know but that's how they can make you feel). And yes, my experience is that IF is about the biggest passion killer, especially when combined with illness (for me, cancer ten years ago). It detroys intimacy, spontenaity, confidence, changes the dynamics of the relationship. (Pre-cancer we were fun-loving equals, post C he became carer, I became the patient. Then along came IF...) 

Anyway, this is not meant to turn into a missive about me; I just hoped that by sharing a bit about my experiences it might make you feel a little less alone, though of course I am not for an instant trying to compare myself with what you have been through. 

As many of the ladies here have already said, you certainly sound like you are solid as a couple to have experienced so much. You deserve better times ahead, try to give yourself time, and I wish you well for the future.

My love, B xxx


----------



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Yamoona

Not much to add after having read your replies already.  I just wanted to say that I think you are very brave writing down your feelings, that in itself must have been difficult but also possibly a little theraputic.

You and your DH must have a very strong relationship having been thro what you have.

Love to you both
Nix
xx


----------



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Thank you all so much for your responses. Bandicoot thank you for sharing, it does help to hear your story as ill health like you say really changes the dynamics in a relationship. I am very glad you are healthy again. 

As a couple the last few weeks have been so much better after 5 months of rowing. We are very close now but it has been difficult, especially for me.  I really don't think I would be able to get through this without you all and your responses have brought tears to my eyes just knowing you care and are there. This thread is fundamental to our sanity and I am very grateful I found it.


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Late to this Yamoona, and I cannot better what has already been said by our wise and wonderful lovelies here beforehand.

I just wanted to say that it sounds as though you have been to hell and back a few times in this lifetime and for that I am deeply sorry  

I've had quite a lot of various health concerns over the years so I know where you're coming from when you say it changes the dynamics in a relationship. You were spot on there, as always.

Heres to you and your hubby forging ahead together in the future, with all the adversity you have faced making you closer. God knows hon, you certainly deserve some happiness in your life.

Sending you much love,
Emcee x


----------

