# Should I do it for DH?



## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Hello ladies,

I was looking through all my old pics of the garden after a big tidy up out there (wanting to see how much progress I've made) when quite by accident I came across a photo of my lovely DH holding a friend's new baby last year. (My filing leaves a lot to be desired, dammit.) My first thought was how handsome DH looked: tanned, young for his age... less worn down. What a difference a year and 3 m/c can make.  My second thought, inevitably, was that I wished the baby he was holding was ours, blah blah blah. He looks really happy on the picture. If I suspend reality I can kind of imagine it, just for a second.

My third and lingering thought was that I wish, how I wish, I could make this happen for him. I feel so guilty. Although we're still officially unexplained the IF problem seems to be more with me, not him. (A blood clotting genetic thing as well as clearly not being very fertile.) Not only that, but the decision to stop has come from me, too, not him. 

I know he would like us to try again, not that he'd ever openly say that to me as he doesn't want to push me into ttc again. And since the trauma of the last m/c in March I've felt quite instinctively (and for the first time) that for the sake of my sanity I just cannot do this any more. But tonight when I saw that photo I just wanted to try again, one more time, for him. 

And then the logical side of me is saying: are you nuts I mean, who has to cope with all the drugs, the injections, the blood tests, the scans, the surgery, the dreaded phone calls, the m/cs? It's not him, it's me. And the thought of even considering going through all that again terrifies me.

Oh ladies it's just rubbish, isn't it? Every time I think I can make my peace with this something happens to throw my thinking back into chaos. I wish I could just keep a level head and MOVE ON. 

Another thought that has occured as I write this is that maybe it IS me who wants to try again deep down on some level I can't recognise and I am using DH as an excuse...?

Sorry to put out such a pants post. Talk about needing your workshop, MM. (Fancy doing one in the southern hempishere next time...?) 

I'd really appreciate hearing some sane thoughts and soothing, sensible words from you lovely ladies, if you have time... Need head screwing firmly back on, I think. Thank you.

B xxx


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Bandicoot

Sorry you are feeling confussed.

I think it is rarely ever a case of deciding to stop, both knowing that you have absolutely done the right thing and then 'moving on'. This is especially so for you as your last m/c and all the pain, hurt and shattered dreams was so recent.

In reality there are always doubts, questions and thoughts of what might be if we try 'just one more go' and I guess if you are anything like me you are biological clock watching  . If only it was as simple as having treatment, it working and you have a bundle at the end of it - I think we would all be trying again if that was the case. Sadly, as we all know only too well it does not always end how we want it to and it is really as case of waying up the risks to your and your DH's mental wellbeing if it doesn't but equally having a sense that we really did 'try our very best' and have nothing to regret.

In my opinion stopping treatment, has got to be a mutual decision - the answer to your initial question 'should I do it for DH' is probably 'no' if you are just doing it for him. If on the other hand you are BOTH wanting to give it one more shot then perhaps you should try again?

It's so bloo*y hard to give up and 'move on' ... only you and your DH can decide if that is what is right for *both of you.*

I don't feel I have been much help with my post but I really wish you peace with this huge decision and I hope the other girls can offer some pearls of wisdom too.

Love from
Your buddy Pipkin x


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Bandicoot,

If my calculations are correct, it can only be a month or so since your last m/c. I'm sure you are still hurting. The best (and most irritating) piece of advice I was given after m/cs was this - don't make any big decisions. I always came round from the d&cs with grand plans for something or other. And, if my memory serves me rightly, the decisions were not usually very good ones!

The other thing that worked for me was making a decision (with a clear, non-hormonally challenged, head!) about what my cut-off criteria would be. By that I mean, how would I know when it was time to get off the emotional rollercoaster. When I weighed up the investment (emotional, physical and financial) that was involved in IVF, I knew I didn't want to put myself through it. IUI was as far as I went. When that failed for the third time, the doctors suggested that IVF was the logical next step, so that was when I got off the treadmill. I was "lucky" enough to conceive naturally several times, so it wasn't the end of my journey - if you read my post on the vasectomy thread, you can see how I got to that point! My problem is that I know me too well, and if I didn't give myself an end point, I would have continued trying "just one more time" until I destroyed what little was left of my sanity.

Give yourself time to grieve this loss before you think about what happens next.

In the meantime, please have lots of hugs and a big cuddle. It isn't easy, but you will get through this.  

Lots of love,
Solitaire,
xxx


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## bib (Apr 17, 2007)

Do you know what, you have brought a tear to me.  I am so very sorry that you have been through such a dreadful time, no one deserves to have so much hurt thrown their way.

I can understand that you feel like wanting to try again, but also totally understand that you are afraid of what might happen.

I know that our circumstances were different to yours, but I know what is is like to be afraid to try and more afraid of what the outcome might, or might not be.

I guess there is no answer that anyone else can give you,  but it all has to come from what you want and just how much you are preared to put yourselves through.  you must be so strong to have gone through all you have, and I would imagine if you talk things through, you will find your answers.

With thoughts going to you, and being there if you need an ear,

Bib xx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi B
Oh my heart goes out to you, because I grappled so much with whether to do my last tx. I really understand that feeling of hugely not wanting to go into another tx, but also having that little voice saying 'well maybe i could just one more time...' All I can say is it's something you must decide together. I agree with pipkin in that if you're doing it for dh, then no you shouldn't do it. But if you think it's you as well as him, then maybe you should reconsider? It's very early days after your last m/c, and I also agree that it's not a good idea to make any major decisions either way too soon.
All I can say is, I wanted to give up sooo much after our final diui last year, but I also knew that if I didn't give ivf/icsi another try, I would always be wondering 'what if' . I know our last tx wasn't successful, but I don't regret doing it - esp as it seems (so far) to have confirmed for me that I can't/won't do any more tx.

Give yourself some time and chat to your dh about it - he sounds lovely.
Lots of love, ruby xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hi Banadicoot
What a tough decision.
I can't offer anymore wise words but I do feel for you.
I think the others are right that it has to be for both of you and the decision has to be mutual.
Have you talked  to your  husband about how you felt when you found the photo?  Sharing your mixed feelings may be helpful.
It is also early days after  your miscarriage and you may need a bit more time to allow yourself to physically settle - hormones are funny things. I think that maybe it is possible you haven't had a chance to grieve for the miscarriage and all the other things that have happened to you.
I always have found that the worse thing about stopping is all the "what ifs" It's the "what if" thoughts that torture you in the middle  of the night.
I always found that the IF clinic talked about the need to avoid regret later on if you didn't pursue treatment. I always found that difficult, because whilst I could see their point I also thought there was a cost in pursuing things just to avoid regret late on. 

Best wishes and thinking of you

Lots love Jo

PS congrats on the gardening!!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi B

I think your hormones may have a large part to play in this too hon - hormones huh? Pah! 

May I gently suggest giving yourself a few months out to allow yourself to heal from all that life has flung at you recently, then perhaps exploring this with your DH? 

My heart goes out to you honey, it really does. For what its worth I still have a picture of my DH holding our friends new born baby hours after we lost one of ours - its amazing what heartache he hides behind his smile. I too had much the same thoughts you did.

Finally, I just want to add that I am so sorry you feel all this guilt about yourself - its perfectly normal to feel this way I know, I just want to softly say to you that you are not to blame for all of this hon. The harsh experiences you have been through are not of your own doing - although I understand your logic because I have been there too. Remember that your man is with you because he loves you, and you alone more than anything else in the world - despite everything.

Sending you massively gentle hugs and loads of love
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear B,

I have been in and out of your post this evening, trying to think how to reply. It is now very late and I hope what I write will make sense!

I know that you would like to make your own DH's dreams come true. I guess from what you say that he wants to do the same for you while he does not want to put you through more pain. Maybe he understands and even shares the ambivalence you express at the end of your post? The fact that he does not try to push you says a lot for how much he loves you.

While it is us women who go through the physical as well as the emotional sides of IF and tx, our DHs share the emotional aspects, including the results of tests, phone calls, scans and the finality of miscarriage. Maybe even more significantly for them as men, they have to deal with standing by feeling helpless and possibly guilty too while we go through the physical hurts. I am sure we all have heard of men who feel guilty about the pain their partners go through in childbirth. How much more do sensitive men feel as witness to the pain their partners go through with If?

I believe the other contributors are right to say take your time before you make any decision and also to keep comnmunicating. It sounds as though you have a sensitive patner wh understands the importance of reaching a truly shared decision as to your way forward.

Thinking of you both,

love jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest B, 

Each of us can only tell you how we answered that question for ourselves. Me, I asked myself what I would be 'happy' to look back on when lying on my death bed. I often say to others, 'I don't mind not being a mum, but I will mind thinking that I didn't give it my best shot'. After 2 IUIs (I can't have IVF, so that's my only option) I felt I hadn't done enough, but after 3, I felt a contentment that surprised even my hubby. I have just this morning read an article about how we keep on going and going and how destructive that can be, thus implying that the sanest thing we do is have a definite cut off point; but when that is is as individual as can be. But, I beleive you will know when the time has come for you.

One more thing, the advice the other ladies have given about how soom it is since your last m/c is wise indeed; allow yourself a little longer to grieve and recover.

Big luv on a Qantas plane to you hun, 

MM xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

I just wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to all of you for taking the time to send me such wise and lovely replies. You have calmed me right down again: I have taken a nice big long breath and I do feel better for it.

You are right, of course - I know deep down that I do need to give myself time to come to terms with the m/c at the beginning of March. I think sometimes it's just so good to hear it from others who truly understand. I need time to work out what I want and you're right that I need to share how I'm feeling with DH and have this conversation with him. I haven't wanted to as he's gone on so much in the last few days about how happy and positive and more 'me' I've seemed since I got stuck into the garden - and I have been, until I saw that bloody photo!! So I haven't wanted to 'drag it up' again as I think it's been cathartic for both of us to think about other things for a change (even if I have still had the usual internal dialogue going on with myself about it all!). But I am glad you picked up that my lovely DH is sensitive to how I feel, even if I don't always let on to him. 

I am not the world's most patient person and usually totally impulsive, but you are all right, wise ladies; time is what I need. 

A positive step is that for the first time in 3 years we have booked ourselves a holiday instead of donating all our funds to IVF Australia. I think a week in Queensland on Barrier Reef will be a tad more relaxing. And (I am very proud of myself for this one) I managed to IGNORE the 'fertile' (ha ha, I know) days on the calendar so when we go away there will be no niggling doubt: I will be able to truly relax, get drunk, eat shellfish on the beach, do all the stuff you daren't do 'just in case' when you're on the 2ww. No trying to search for pg symptoms that 99% of the time aren't there anyway and then you're left all crushed. I want this holiday to be the antithesis to ttc. It's just going to be about me and him. And hey, we might even 'do it' because we actually want to and not because it's 'that time'! (Sorry tmi I know  )

Thank you all so much once again. I will miss you when we go away next week.

With love, B xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Have a fantastic holiday Bandi!!! You deserve it!

I only got back to reading and posting yesterday as i was off over Easter. I have a photo also of my dh with my best friends toddler on his knee last year(she was 2- and is an ivf baby!) and it makes me sad sometimes that we wont have a child together(he has dd as other girls know who has grown up fast and always lived with us.)

Like MM I had reasons for not going down the ivf route-one being we were unexplained and there was no guarantee that it would have worked for us.I did 2 iuis and woulkd have done a third but didnt feel we were treated very well in the small private place we went to. I had reasons for not going to our local hospital (which is reasonably sucessful) as dh's brother and wife were attending it for infertility and couldnt cope with that!!

I hope you have a great holiday-relax and enjoy it without making any major decisions.You might find that when the 2 of you are away together that it is better than constantly being on the tx rollercoaster.Maybe that will help you decide. xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

B honey

Have a wonderful holiday, heaven knows you certainly deserve a lovely break with your man. We'll miss you but we'll look forward to hearing all about it upon your return... its the little things like getting away from it all that help us recharge our batteries.

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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