# how to cope when surrogacy fails after years of failed ivfs



## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

everyone

Really feel like I'm not coping too well right now   
We had a negative result from surrogacy in India last week, using donor eggs, 4 grade1 embies put back in a surrogate who has 2 children herself,  i just don't know how to handle this after 18 years off ivf hell this was our last hope, we have had every test going tried every treatment and always end up in the bad percentage, the failures,

And to make matters worse i decided to go for fet right away and focus on that however the clinic now apparently have a shortage of surrogates and only told me today after i paid for the FET that it will be Aug so another ten weeks of waiting for a chance,  the emotions im going through right now are anger , despair, and fear, but mostly anger, i feel the whole world is against me and after being strong for so long i feel like falling down in a crumpled heap and just lying there  
Rosebud


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

So sorry rosebud, it makes me sad to read things like this when you think of all the people who have children who shouldnt, we have been ttc long term too (10 years) with 3 losses along the way.

Can you have a nice holiday in time for August? (Sounds like you deserve it) not the answer to all your problems I know but maybe a bit of time out from all this to keep you sane, although I know in reality there's no time out when you want a family as its all you ever think of sat at home or layed on a beach it makes no difference does it.

I know 10 weeks sounds really far away, but you know it will be here before you can blink, I had a miscarriage in January after our ivf & I can't believe that was 6 months ago already, it only seems like a few weeks ago, just shows how quick time goes.

I honestly hope things work out for you. X


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## scottsmrs (Apr 30, 2013)

Hi Rosebud,          I 'm so very sorry you are going through this.  I have no words that are going to magically make you feel better, but I couldn't just 'read and run'.  I know 10 weeks seems like an awful long time.  Perhaps you and hubby could use the time to spoil yourselves a little,  anything that would make you feel more positive for the future.  I know its far easier said than done.  I really do wish you all the best in the future.  Please look after yourself.

Much love

Marie


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi
Thanks ladies for ur support, i was with my gp today and he has given me three mts of anti depressents to help lift my mind as ive sunk really low since hearing our result, the last time i felt this down was six yrs ago after my first miscarriage, it was the shock of it i think , i didnt expect to miscarry and it was such a shock and likewise i honestly didnt expect this to fail, the donor was successful for previous ips and the surro has two kids herself, and dh,s sperm is ok, so there is no reason why this happened, 

The end of the line is close after ten ivfs and donor cycles and now surrogacy we still have empty arms, my gp reckons id b superhuman if i didnt feel like this right now, 

I wonder why this is so hard for us when you see how easy it is for loads of other women

Rosebud


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## kare72 (Feb 26, 2010)

Hi rosebud I know you are angry and I was on that end as well. And you think before this that no way this can fail the  moon and stars are in alignment and nothing can go wrong. ---but it does. Ten wks will go fast and hopefully the planets and all will line up perfect and that will be your time. Unfortunately surrogacy is not a guarantee but for me it was the only chance we had and thankfully aftrr a few goes our lotto numbers came up and hopefully yours will too.. try and stay positive and focus on those frozen embies thatyou have...that is a huge positive. Take care xx


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## kare72 (Feb 26, 2010)

Hi Rosebud I was on to SCI about doing our FET and was informed that as we all know it takes 4-6 weeks to prep our surrogates. 
They are not offering two surrogates at the moment due to new regulations from Dr Sharma and ART regulations.  Furthermore, they are only working with surrogates at the moment who have agreed to stay in Delhi for summer. So there are reasons for the delay ---the main thing is to make sure that surrogates are prepped and ready ---no one wants to compromise a cycle by working with a surrogate who's lining is not perfect.  


Hope you are feeling better soon and thinking of you.  Take care of yourself, K xx


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi karen
Dr s told me they also have problems sourcing single surros now for us ips who legally require that, it still dosnt make it any easier on me that once again we have to wait to try again, just finding it very tough at the minute karen : (


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## kare72 (Feb 26, 2010)

Hi Rosebud
I can completely understand- as I said before we have been there too.  As we need single surrogates for Ireland and UK (i'm not sure about other countries) it is harder as singles may not be as readily available to cycle when we want them.  


When I went to another dr in India she would not even guarantee me that our surrogate would be single.  I was informed at the time I met her that surrogate was divorced but found out after transfer that she in fact was not legally divorced with  paperwork ---at that time the cycle did not work but if it had that would have been another hurdle we would have had to overcome.


Thankfully, Dr S makes sure that all paperwork is in order not just that someone walks in and says oh yes I am single when they are not.  Our previous surrogate was a widow and her husband's death cert was available from day one.


Is the medication that the dr gave you helping?  Hopefully  the prescription will help ease things for you --I truly am sorry you are having such a hard time coping with the wait.  Take care of yourself Rosebud.


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi karen
Its good that they do seem to be a very open and honest clinic, its definately better to wait and have everything done right.

The meds are helping dull the pain a bit i guess theres nothing to do now but wait some more and hope to god this ends up eventually working for us before our funds or my sanity runs out.

Thanks everyone for replying to me and making me feel less lonely during this tough time .

Rosebud


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## Lula-belle (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi Rosebud,

My heart goes out to you - you really have been through the mill - and please remember I know how much you really want a baby - but your health just has to come first. So look after yourself - you've got to be your number one priority so just try and focus on you and hubby for next 10 weeks, try and do lots of nice things and like everyone says it should pass a bit quicker for you.


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## napy (Jun 17, 2011)

Rosebud,  I feel for you because I've been through quite a few failed cycles with surrogate mothers.  It doesn't work on the first try all the time even with proven surrogate mothers and young donors!  There is no rhyme or reason to it either. It usually takes a 2-3 the cycles to find the right combination of your particular embryos and a surrogate mother where they will be viable.  Also, just because a woman was able to carry children herself the natural way doesn't necessarily mean she is a good candidate for IVF and surrogacy.  She could respond differently in these circumstances.


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Thanks lula belle

We are more accepting now of the wait but are still saddened by the negative but im getting through day by day and try to think about other things, are you beginning the surrogacy journey yourself now lula belle?

I got a tattoo this week on my foot saying strength with the infinity symbol wrapped around it it reminds me that i have infinite inner strength and i can and will come through all this.

Rosebud


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