# Is it time to give up?



## flipper123 (Sep 29, 2011)

This is probably not the best time for me to post with bad news ringing so loudly in my ears 
My dp and I have been having treatment for 4 years. Dp had 3 early losses and a mmc at 12 weeks, she didn't feel she could take anymore. I decided to egg share, the first cycle was a bfn but this time we got a bfp which was progressing nicely, clearblue went up to 3+ when it should have and symptoms were building.
I had a scan at 7w1d yesterday, they couldn't make out a heartbeat and what was there, which was just a hazy patch measured very small. I have to go back in a week to confirm the bad news.
Needless to say I haven't stopped crying since and can't believe our bad luck, I feel like we are being punished for trying to have a family and our relationship is being tested to its limits 
We don't know where to turn next, I don't want to use our donor anymore, I don't even really want to use our clinic again, I don't know if we have the strength to try again 
If anyone can help me keep this in perspective or advise me on where to turn that would be great, thanks for reading xxx


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

*Flipper*, so sorry to read what you and dp have been through  Only you's can decide if it's time to give up. I think you both definitely need to give yourselves time to grieve though. You've been through an awful lot, and over a very long time, having treatment takes over your lives to a great extent, and that would test most people's relationship. 
I hope you and dp can get through this together, I'd try not to make any rash decisions until your both in a better frame of mind. 
Best of luck to you both, whatever you decide xx


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

oh love, I'm so sorry. It's not fair that you have both suffered so much. 
Maybe it's too soon to think about your next move, maybe you could take some time out and concentrate on each other for a little while, a holiday even! 
I dealt with my IVF failure by throwing myself into planning my next one, maybe its an unhealthy way of avoiding grief but it works for me. I'm going abroad for a donor egg, I can't afford it in this country  
Take care of each other x


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## aqua2011 (Feb 16, 2011)

Hi Flipper, I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking. Sending you huge hug. I can feel your pain. I was there.

I had 10 round of Ivf + one round of IVF with ED, all failed in one stage or another. While getting ready for the Frozen Embryo Transfer, my uterus scan came suspicious. Next thing I knew I had hysterectomy. My world was crashed.  I could not eat or sleep. I was angry with my hubby, I don't know why.

How we deal with it, it is collection of what Jam&Cream and Suzylee wrote. 

We went for a short holiday and took our mind off infertility road and tried to remember good moment in our shared life. After holiday, we looked at the situation in fresh perspective,in different angle and discuss it rationally, and made our mid...and concentrate on another fight with infertility.
I know it's hard. 

I don't know who has said the following, we applied to make our decision, maybe it help you, two, too :

it's not decision, it's consequences. One should to answer the following:

What would happened, if I do it?
What would not happened, if I do it?
What would  happened, if I do not it?
What would not  happened, if I do it?

All the best
XXXX


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## flipper123 (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks for your lovely replies, it's good to focus the mind a bit. I've picked myself up a little bit today and have to put a brave face on things for my grandmothers 90th tomorrow so at least I have something to take my mind of things for a bit xx


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## MaryB_123 (Mar 6, 2012)

flipper123,

I'm so sorry to hear your news, you've both been through so much.  Losses are the hardest and I think it's so important to be kind to yourself and each other.  The limbo situation is so hard - I definitely think it's not a time to make a decision about the future, I think it's all about survival at this stage.  When I was in limbo with the second miscarriage (not confirmed either way for 10 days) I just listened to songs about getting through stuff every night I went to sleep, a small thing but I think it helped sooth me (and my husband - although he, of course, denied that Taylor Swift's Safe & Sound helped him!).

If and when you do feel up to thinking ahead maybe it's worth having some immune testing - have you tried that at all?  I know it's slightly different in a donor situation and it could just be really bad luck, but I know it really helped me face another round of IVF having more information about my body and our chances - my husband had genes which increased our chance of clotting issues, and I had minor clotting issues, high antibodies and other things which meant miscarriage was more likely.

I'm now on an immune cycle (with Prednisolone, Clexane and monthly Intralipids) and touch wood, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and this one looks like it will work.  I had two early miscarriages before - and the clinic thinks probably many before that that just didn't reach positive pregnancy test stage.  I certainly felt much stronger entering this round of IVF with more knowledge and more drugs - who knows it could have been luck this time, but it gave us both renewed hope and strength to face the possibility of a pregnancy again.  We got our testing on Care (Northampton) and it wasn't cheap so that's a consideration but the process was easy - just a load of vials of blood and then chatting through the results.

Sending you positive thoughts,
x


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## flipper123 (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks MAry for your kind message, I will have a follow up with my clinic to discuss what went wrong.
I had a second scan yesterday and although there was slight improvement, the dr diagnosed a non-viable pregnancy. I have stopped my progesterone support and if I don't miscarry naturally over the weekend I have an appointment at the EPU on Monday to discuss the options.
Thanks again for the support, it's been a horrendous time but closure is nearly here, I will have the summer to get some life back before making any decisions but I'm sure I'll be back to consider another go. xxx


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## tinki (Oct 5, 2010)

Hi 
I haven't posted on here for ages but I just wanted to say I agree with Mary, I would be looking to have immunes testing. I conceived out son on my first IVF but our daughter took 3 rounds before I had immunes and it transpired I needed lots if help. 
Out next cycle with immunes resulted in our daughter so it was definately worth it for us.
Also I see you mention your donor, I know of many couples who have begun the journey with one donor only to switch to another when it wasn't working, it doesn't always 'click' for some reason so maybe explore that?
For me at your stage in the game something would have to change, be it clinic,donor, or protocol (or a combination of the above)
Good luck with it it is so so hard x


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## MaryB_123 (Mar 6, 2012)

Sorry to hear the doctors diagnosis at the second scan.  I hope you're doing ok.  Take care of yourself over the next few weeks and maybe take some time out of the fertility stuff if you can.  I took 12 months off before this recent cycle and we both found it really helpful - went on holiday, spent time together, spent time being romantic and in-love.  It doesn't take the pain away but it did help us to regroup and get back to us before starting again.  The only IVF stuff we did in that time was get the immune testing done - just decided to have a clear calender year away from IVF cycles x


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## flipper123 (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks for the messages, I haven't been on here for a while as needed some head space. I had medical management for the missed miscarriage and it went as well as it can. I have a follow up booked next month at the clinic. Am thinking of staying with our clinic as i'll end up having to pay for consultations and tests if we go to a new clinic. But am definitely changing donor. We hope to try again at the end of the year, it hasn't beaten us yet! xx


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## astrila (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm sorry for all your losses. What a journey you're on. We had similar. I had a stillbirth followed by 2 early miscarriages. I was in pieces and after 3 years we were very tempted to give up. We changed clinics, had a different donor and I conceived twins on my first IVF attempt there. Those twin boys have just turned a year old. I don't know what was different this time and whether changing donor made a difference but things worked out.


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## tinki (Oct 5, 2010)

Wishing you the best of luck xxx


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## flipper123 (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks Astrila and Tinki

Wow Astrila what a story, sorry you had to go through so much but I'm glad your dream came true in the end! You have inspired me this morning and my plan is to change donor and plan a new cycle around October time if my body has recovered!!

Thanks everyone for the support, it's been a really tough time with lots of soul searching and I'm a long way from being over the loss but I know it will get easier 

xxx


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