# Help telling my dad!



## NatalieJW (Dec 6, 2016)

So ive got to this point of just waiting for CD1 before startinh meditated IUI, now if im correct in thinking i ovulated last monday then im expecting CD1 next week. The problem is i havent told my dad and i currently live with him whilst saving for a morgage. 

The reason i havent told him is he likes to be in control and will do what he can at maintaining control and im confident this will mean him using the phrase 'not whilst you live here' i fully plan to move out but my mum wants me to stay home whilst on mat leave to get extra support and keep out going costs low, i cant argue with this, however fue to this my mum thinks i should tell my dad before getting pregnant and im finding this decision really hard.

My dad is a very traditional man, he expects me to get married and settle down, he says he always wanted me to be independent but not at the expense of a family. I dont want to get married but he doesnt understand this and says i will when i meet the right person, he diesnt understand family diversity and i know will not be happy with my choice.

The only reason im thinking about telling him is because my mum wants me to and out of respect that i will be pregnant and living witb him.

Please help i really dont know what to do and if i do how to address it!
Thanks in advance


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## Poly-Anna (Jan 9, 2017)

Hi Natalie, is your mum likely to tell your dad if you don't? I got myself a book on single motherhood years ago and left it lying around, to make my dad get used to the idea of me having an alternative family. Perhaps you could tell him indirectly, too


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Difficult one Natalie
There are a couple of things here to consider. . You could find it takes sometime to become pregnant so then you could have months of living in the same house with his disapproval of your decision. Might be very uncomfortable for you. 
On the other hand I'm a believer in being  open as you should be permitted to be proud of the decisions you are making in life. You never know he might be excited by the prospect of grandchildren as I'm assuming he knows you are not interested in marriage and the more traditional route for grandchildren so may feel it could never happen ? If this is the case then he could maybe feel hurt if you waited until after you have a BFP. 

Could you perhaps test the water by talking about children in general and expressing your wish to have children without actually admitting outright you have already decided? You could go ahead and be honest if he seems receptive to the idea at the time . If not give it a few days,  to really be sure you want to be open at the trying stage,  then  bring it up again and say you have decided to go ahead now then deal with the fall out as it happens. 
Let us know how it goes. 
TCCx


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## NatalieJW (Dec 6, 2016)

Thank you both, i dont think my mum would tell him but i know shes finding it hard keeping it from him and i dont think its fair on her to keep this for much longer, i think she feels she's betraying him and is worried he will be hurt if i just end up telling him if and when im pregnant. Good move with the book poly-Anna, i have fertility and donor conception ones, so its an option.

I think your right Tincancat, honesty shows pride in my decision and im very proud of my choices and shouldn't feel i need to hide it, but i know how ever i approach this its going to be hard for him to understand. We have had a discussion before about me not letting not finding a man stopping me living my life the way i choose, but dont know if he realised i was on about kids. Its a difficult choice i dont want to live for months with him if hes not accepting but would that be better than telling him when pregnant and dealing with those emotions then, i think honestly it might, my mum seems to think so. 

I think i will give it a couple of days, they are off to France next week so not sure i will bring it up before then as wouldnt want to ruin their trip, but this gives me time to think, will keep you posted


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I wouldn't be in any rush to tell him to be honest. I didn't tell my mum for the first 2 years because I feared she would react the same, and the only reason I told her in the end was because I'd had a miscarriage so I had to tell her how I'd been pregnant. As it turns out, I was right about her reaction, but it was somewhat softened because she took pity on me having just had a miscarriage. Funny that  

I do not regret not telling her, I love her and we are very close but it was something I was better off doing alone. Had I got and stayed pregnant, I would simply have told her about the one attempt and none of the previous ones. I knew that I would be adding stress to an already delicate situation by telling her, and as Tincancat says, it could take you a while to get pregnant and having his negativity on top of what you're feeling and dealing with won't help the situation. When you do get pregnant you could just come clean and omit how many attempts you made, if it took more than one. You do not owe anyone else an explaination - you wouldn't tell him you and your partner were trying for a baby would you? Maybe you would, but I wouldn't haha

Just my 2¢ worth


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## NatalieJW (Dec 6, 2016)

Thanks pollita, im sorry to hear about your mums reaction given your situation and mc. I do feel i want to do this on my own and adding dad in to the mix, despite the issues he may present, im not sure i want someone else asking questions, my mum knowing is bad enough. It may be she will have to have reduced information for me to manage her guilt about dad not knowing :-/ 

Do you think this is something to discuss with the clinic counsellor? I've had my compulsory session but have been told i can contact her any time, just not sure this would be in her remitt. 

Pollita good luck with the FET


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Thanks Natalie

You should definitely use the counsellor if you have the option! Just weigh up the pros and cons and decide what's best for you. Good luck!


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Yes do speak to the counsellor. You need to be clear in your mind this is the right time to tell. . As Polita says once he knows the anticipated negative attitude might be hard to endure whilst undertaking repeated treatments. 
TCCx


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## braxma14 (May 25, 2011)

Don't tell him... you will tell him when you start to show (when he notices), but not before. It will be just extra stress without any benefits. Sometimes talking too much about your decisions invites criticism when it is not people' s business. It is hard to handle a futile criticism from people that wastes your energy on arguments about something that you don't have right now. I learned with time, that showing off, even pride, unless it provides tangible benefits, is not a decision that keeps on paying.


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I'm going to disagree and say speak to him. Explain how and why you have chosen this path.
Explain that you won't be doing anything to embarrass or cause him discomfort (sadly this may be a factor).

Show you have thought it through:
How you will manage financially
How you will manage child care
What you will tell the child
How you will ensure the lo doesn't suffer as a result of not having a father
Why you think you can cope with doing this alone - some mums find it overwhelming to be solely responsible for everything, good and bad, as well as exhausting


I know this is probably taking a different approach but it shows you have thought it through and not diving in feet first and at the end of the day he does want the best for you.

Fwiw my dad was reticent initially as he was worried that I could be making a rash decision. That I'd be making my life harder than should be, have no partner support and that it would effectively mean I will never have a relationship again. 

It maybe flawed thinking but meant with best of intention.

Hth


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## NatalieJW (Dec 6, 2016)

Thank you, i still havent approached it but i do think he would appreciate knowing before hand, im just not sure how i feel. I know a conversation is going to have to happen i dont think i could wait for him to find out, Me, Myself and I i think he would appreciate your approach but equally i feel i shouldn't need to do that and he should except my decision, its hard i generally dont know what to do. Think i will contact the counsellor tommorrow to talk it through


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

In an ideal world you'd like him just to rubber stamp your choice but you're his little girl still and of course he's going to want confirmation you've thought it through and are not embarking on parenthood alone! 

Believe me the responsibility lays heavy on your shoulders, the rewards amazing but for some they'll mourn what they lose too... 

Fwiw the worst bit was saying it to the first person... but reality for me was it was then or never...


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

He should accept your decision but as above you're still his little girl. It is indeed a huge responsibility and it is going to be much easier if you have family on side.  
TCCx


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

Have you thought about writing a letter to your dad?

This was how I told my parents about our using DE, to cut a long story short they didn't even know we'd had any treatment at all so I preferred to get it all out in one go!

That way I knew they had read everything I wanted them to know before we talked about it and had chance to digest it all.

It's not for everyone I know but it was what I chose to do and my parents were so lovely and supportive, which I never really doubted but somehow the further we got into our treatment the harder it had been to bring it all up.


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## djjim22 (Mar 7, 2014)

I think it's a really difficult one Natalie and ultimately only you will know what the right thing is to do. Everyone brings up really important points on here and I don't think anyone's decisions are right or wrong, it's a very personal decision to make regarding telling, when to tell, when not to tell. In my situation I, like you, told my mam first and basically said what I planned on doing and that I would do it with or without her support but would much rather do it with her support and was so lucky that she has been there for me every step of the way. I didn't tell my stepdad until I was pregnant and to be honest I wish I had told him earlier as he really felt put out that he hadn't been told earlier. The one person I was worried about telling was my grandad because he is also very traditional, should be married before kids type of person, so I told my grandma and left it up to her to tell him. Apparently his response was 'oh, that's good' and that was that, he accepted it as if it was the norm and to be honest we have become even closer since my daughter was born. I think what I'm trying to say is that some people react differently to what you think they will.

I think as single women choosing to have children on our own we are actually scrutinised more for actually thinking through finances, childcare, support etc than if we had gone out and had a one night stand and got pregnant. When in fact we have thought about every eventuality possible!

Sorry about the essay, and not that this is much help but do what feels right, when it feels right. And in the meantime we are all here for you to offload to and offer advice.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

It is a really big decision and I agree with the others on here. I don't think there is a right or a wrong way of telling.
For me, it was a decision I didn't have to make with my father, as he died in 2007. I would like to think he would understand but I worry that he wouldn't as he was very traditional. I think we single women are giving it much more thought than those who just go out and have sex with someone they've just met to get a baby! Also, we are scrutinised much more than those with a partner, which is so unfair, as we consider very deeply - whether to go ahead or not, how, our finances, childcare .... I told my mother that I was going to go for treatment and why, but didn't tell her the exact time I was going. I wanted to come to terms with the result of my treatment and to process a negative on my own, if it was negative. I didn't want other people's expectations until I had processed it myself. When I got my BFP, I told her. I also had to decide when to tell my single sister, who also wanted a baby, but couldn't due to her job commitments and blamed me for not helping her with childcare for a potential child! I waited till I got my BFP. As for using DE, I told sister in the end as she kept going on about me using OE and how she could. I have not yet told mum about DE as she is of the generation where she still thinks that children who are adopted are 'not really' theirs. I do not want her to think differently of my beautiful children, I have a boy of 2 1/2 and a baby girl 12 weeks, who I absolutely adore. 
So good luck with your decision.
Deb


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## 32Flavours (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree with everyone here that it's your decision, and you will know what's right for you and your Dad. Both my parents know; it was a surprise, and my Dad found it a little uncomfortable I think - mainly because it's a funny thing to be discussing with your daughter! He says it's of course not what he imagined, but he just wants me to be happy and naturally wants a grandchild too.

I do have a close friend I haven't told though, which feels similar to your dilemma. I know my friend will react negatively and she's an extremely vocal person, who sometimes struggles to take into account the feelings of others. For this reason I've decided not to tell her unless I'm successful - I just don't need any extra stress, and ultimately she will either accept it afterwards or that will signal the end of our friendship (which I really hope isn't the case). I did discuss it with one of my other close friends (who happens to be a counselor haha) and she put it across that it's my right to decide who to tell and when - that made a lot of sense to me. Anyway, just wanted to put that out there, that sometimes not telling is a valid choice too.

Wishing you lots of luck xx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Funny I had the opposite it was my sisters banging on at me constantly about 'last chance saloon' and how much i'd regret this if I missed the boat (I was 39 then so they had a point) I wanted the man etc but as my parents were always around when discussions happened and never raised an eyebrow I knew all was ok, I truly love the family I have they have mine and my boys backs 100% so blessed x


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