# Going into meltdown!!!



## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi everyone,

I was going to try and stay off the boards for a while, but I am feeling completely in limbo at the moment. We will probably have a go at IVF eventually, but after 11 years unexplained I can't believe it will work, so I haven't quite moved on, but I'm not having any treatment either, so I hope you don't mind if I hang around for a while as I still don't know where I fit!!!

Anyway, the reason for this post is that I am sooooooooooo angry. I have been making an effort with the family with SIL's baby on the way and we have seen them twice recently. I find it so hard, but I am trying to keep a smile on my face. We are also going to a family bbq in a couple of weeks, so my brave face is going to have to come out again. I spoke to DH and said that I am trying very hard to be supportive of SIL & BIL with their pg, but there are two things that really get to me.   The first is when they discuss the birth and all the details of going to hospital etc - I find this really hard to listen to, but the second thing that has really got me riled, is that both BIL and FIL have repeatedly pointed to SIL's bump and asked our adopted kids questions like "what's that?", "whose in their?", "Is that your cousin in there?" "What's in aunties belly?" and on it goes.   I said to DH that I wasn't comfortable with this and that I wanted to say something to stop it happening. He recons that this will bring up the feelings where we all fall out again, and won't speak for months. I feel very agrieved, as I feel like my feelings aren't taken into account. It feels like they listened to what I had to say about how hard it is, but then shoved it under the carpet and now think that everything is hunkydory and I have put my issues to rest and they don't affect me any more. It's like they think I have said my peace and am now completely okay with ALL pg/baby discussions. I feel like I am the one having to compromise, but nobody is meeting me halfway!!!! DH is trying to understand, but doesn't think his brother will even begin to understand where I am coming from, and says his dad definately won't. It is making me feel like sh*t, like I can't do anything right and like nobody in the family can even spare a thought for my feelings!! Every time I start AF I feel like I have lost a child and I am a big meltdown tonight with AF looming again!!!

Thanks for listening!!

Angel


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Angel  
I hear your pain hon - all of this is also happening to you at a time when you are at your most vulnerable wondering what the future may hold for you and I'm darned sure its not helped with the raging hormones from AF on it's wicked way either.
Suffice to say that how you are feeling is something that many here can resonate with, and that its at times like this you realise a) who your friends are and b) who has a negative impact on your life.
What is particuarly tough in your case is that this is DH's immediate family who is causing you to feel the way you are at the moment - its a tough call because if you alienate them, you also risk breaking the bond that may happen between their child and yours.
Yes, you are right - no matter how many times we are brave enough to voice how life is for those of us who have had difficulty in having a family it will tend to be forgotten - and it hurts that something so enourmous for us can be swept aside by another. Its life, and it sucks! If only people realised the impact of the things they do on others.
You aren't on your own with this - here we are - use us as a sounding board hon. It's what we're here for. Thinking of you, and telling you that we understand how lonely the path you are walking can be.
Much love
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Angel,

As far as I am concerned you fit in here for as long as you feel you can get and give support. I certianly know you give it. 

Maybe I am over analysing things, but I am wondering if it is a woman/man thing that is making life particularly hard right now? It seems to be the men in the family who are saying the things that hurt you most at this time, with both brother and father in law focusing on SiL's "bump" without realising how this makes you feel. Meanwhile, DH is trying to understand but saying his male relatives won't ever be able to do so, and is asking you not to speak out.  Maybe it's all because that while men may want children they don't experience the actual pregnancy and birth process first hand?  In contrast I think most women want the physical experience of a happy pregnancy, and those of us who never do so feel we have misssed out on something special and that every period is a loss? Maybe if you could discuss this with DH he at least could find it easier to understand? If you are really lucky your SiL may be able to empathise as a woman?

I don't know whether your children are old enough to know anything about their biological origins and the meaning of "bumps" or adoption. I guess they are quite young. It sounds like BiL and FiL probably want to help them to feel included in the family by talking about their cousin. But have they thought that you and DH need to deal with your childen's understanding of where babies come from in a way that takes their adoption into account? If you and DH find it too hard to ask for some sensitivity in your own right, maybe you can ask that BiL and FiL leave it to you as parents to deal with the children's needs?

I hope these thoughts help. Love Jq xxx


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Thanks Emcee & Jq,

DH emailed SIL to ask her to talk to his brother, so we will see what happens.


It is nearly 2.30am and I am wide awake thanks to DH. He went to the pub with a mate tonight, called me at 10.30ish to say he would be back later, when I told him I was going to bed soon, he said he would be quiet coming in and wouldn't wake me or have a conversation with me when he came to bed (He always wakes me by talking to me if I go to bed before him, which drives me nuts). He came in, and I was asleep, and woke me saying he had something he needed to tell me.  I tried not to react at first, but he persisted in shaking me awake. Eventully when I opened my eyes he told me that the mate thinks his new girlfriend might be pregnant and she is going for a test tomorrow (hasn't she heard of home pregnancy tests) Sorry, she is a bimbo so that probably wouldn't have ebtered her head!!!). DH then fell asleep leaving me in shock balling my eyes out. I came downstairs, but then got so angry I went and yelled at him - how dare he wake me up to tell me this news!! It seems so cruel, couldn't he at least have let me have a decent nights sleep. I cannot believe how insensitive he has been, it's not even confirmed, his mate said not to say anything and its the first thing he does when he gets in. Then he tells me I am overeacting!!!!!!   What gets to me even more is that I can't stand the girl anyway, she is so rude, she whispers in our mates ear when we are around, makes faces at him across the room like she wants him to get us to leave, etc and has no idea of social ettiquette and how to behave around other people. Also what makes no sense is that 3 weeks ago we went out for Sunday lunch and she didn't come with us, the excuse was time of the month and her period pain was too bad. So is she so thick that she hasn't worked out that she wouldn't have hot flushes and nausea this early, or did she lie to us? Anyway right night I hate her, I hate him and I even hate my husband, who is now fast asleep in bed while I am wide awake and stewing about this. Why does life keep kicking me when I am down??

Sorry, this is a complete rant, but you guys are the only people I can turn to!!!

Angel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Angel,

What a terrible night! I presume DH was drunk and that is why he behaved in such a stupid way. I hope he's got a hangover to pay for it!  . Maybe when he is sober he we realise how inconsiderate he was. Bad enough to be woken by a drunnken husband without being brought bad news that could have waited and then being told it's you who is in the wrong! 

Try not to let this silly girl get to you, you haven't chosen her as a friend but been thrust into her company cos your DH's mate is seeing her. It's no loss if you and she don't become buddies, and maybe if she carries on in her rude way he will tire of her anyway.

Sounds like maybe you and DH might benefit from some quality time without other people, especially pg women, insensitive inlaws or rude girls. Can you get a babysitter now and then? Maybe you could enlist SiL's support - if you told her you need a bit of space together it will bring out the best in her? It might it easier to talk once you have had time to relax as a couple. If this sounds like a good idea, why not suggest it to him? (Though however cross you feel, avoid saying you don't want to see his family and friends as that might not get you off to a good start! Better just to focus on the being together side of it.)

Anyway, as Emcee says, w'ere here if you need to rant.

Hope Monday is he start of a better week, 

Love Jq xxx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Angel

I am new to this thread but i totally know where you are coming from   It is so hard when others around you are expecting. My SIL had a baby last month and i found it really hard to handle especially because if our IVF treatment had been successful our child would have been born around the same time. It just brought up so much grieve for me   So i am sending you lots of  

I really hope you and DH are ok now....sometimes when we need them to support us most they just 'don't get it' do they??!! I also have a husband who comes crashing in late at night and chats to me too....v annoying LOL   and he always goes on and has a good nights sleep!  

Several times my DH has come home and said someone is pregnant and i have been really upset. When i ask if he is upset he always says he is happy for them. I honestly think guys handle things differently to us and I'm sure your husband is not meaning to be insensitive. He is in a difficult position as he is probably happy for his brother but sad about your situation.

I had a similar problem on Saturday, i went to a wedding which was full of couples with babies and pregnant ladies. The bride and groom have just had a baby and are good friends of ours. It went OK but i was pretty wobbly all day   The worst thing is they are coming to stay with us for the weekend soon and bringing the baby. I will be surrounded by a cot, pushchair, toys etc etc AAARRGH!!! How will i cope. DH said it will be good for us as it will help us stop being so sensitive about having babies around! You see they all say stupid things sometimes LOL! I have nothing against the baby it's just having the whole perfect family unit pushed in my face for a whole weekend that will be hard. I wish i didn't feel jealous and hurt but i do......will i ever feel completely better? I really don't know. Some days i feel so strong but other days i feel so sad again   I think there will always be a little part of me lost forever.

I really hope you feel better soon.....try and stay positive. Do you have a good friend you could chat to to get a female perspective on things and some support outside the family?

Luv
Florie x

P.S just read this post back and i hope it isn't too depressing! It wasn't my intention!


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi,

DH did appologise the next day, (and he did have a hangover  ). We spoke about things, but it was a pretty awful weekend. AF arrived yesterday, so maybe I will be a bit calmer for a couple of weeks!!! Turns our his mate and this girl are actually TRYING for a baby.   I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life!! They have known each other about 4 months and he has never had a relationship last more than 6 months in the 7 years I have known him. They both smoke and drink way too much, and he has a teenage daughter from a relationship that broke up when she was a baby, who he only sees about once a year. What an environment to try for a baby in!!! He wanted us to go there for lunch on Sunday, but I refused. DH tried to make excuses, but his mate persisted and eventually DH told his mate that I had taken the news badly and didn't want to see him. Apparently there was just silence on the other end of the phone. (Surely this mate didn't expect me to do cartwheels? He knows how much I want to have a baby!!!) What really gets to me is that his family/friends seem to think that I am over-reacting and that I am the only infertile woman who takes others pregnancies and my own infertility as badly as I do. They seem to think other woman deal with this better than I do. (His mum worked with a woman who had problems, eventually got pg, but the baby had loads of issues. Apparently her infertility didn't affect her as much as mine does me. I pointed out that I don't share my feelings with work colleagues or casual aquaintances, only close friends & family, so in truth, she probably just didn't know how much it tore the other woman apart!)

You are right Florie, about men seeing it differently. It is a biological need, as well as an emotional one, so they really don't understand fully. And the men in DH's family aren't known for their sensativity anyway!!! 

We are going on holiday soon to see my parents, so DH & I will get some alone time away from the home pressures, which we really need!! Thank Jq.

On the other subject, SIL ignored my email about pointing to the bump, (she did respond when I told her about DH's mate trying for a baby) but did respond to DH's email. She said that pg woman are sensative too, and that my DH had insulted her by calling her fatty!! I would love a pregnant belly to give someone the chance to call me fatty for the right reasons!! She also said she had to think about herself and her baby as stress could be harmful to her pregnancy, and basically she didn't mention my one simple request. We have to go to this bbq on Saturday, and if anyone does the whole "what's in there" thing, I think I will explode!!! DH also asked his mum to tell his dad to stop doing it, so we will see what happens. I really feel like the family think I am a complete screw up, but I feel I have made such an effort, but nobody is prepared to recognise that or meet me 5% of the way!!!

Thanks for all the support &    . They are very much appreciated.

 to everyone.

Angel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Angel,

Hope the bbq was tolerable!

Your SIl seems to have gone into that "I am pg and so the centre of the universe" mode, Sensitive? Yes, self sensitive. Sensitive to others? No. Her choice as to whether to be insular or open. I believe that open is better.

Please don't let the mate and his girlfriend get to you. They may have a baby and may even end up happy together despite the way they have started. Whatever happens with them does not change anything for you. If they cannot be among the people who understand and support you, then you need not include them amongst your lifelong friends. 

If it helps,when I am faced with people who expect me to put my own disappointments behind me in the face of their good fertility news, I  find that saying "Congratulations. I wish we had been so lucky" usually makes them treat us with a bit more sensiitivity.After all, I have said the right thing by them, but drawn their attention to the need to be a little aware that it is not so easy for us IF people.

Stay in touch,

Love jq xxx


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Thanks Jq,

The bbq was okay, and there was no pointing at the bump. In fact BiL did not talk to me or DH at all the entire 5 hours, in fact he didn't even look at me. DH was really fed up and said to his mum that I am more important than his brother, so if he is going to be childish he can get lost!!! At least I feel likr DH is finally in my corner!!! SiL just ignored the whole thing and acted normally. FiL complied, but doesn't understand at all why I have an issue with the bump pointing!! Happy days!!!

We are off on holiday on Friday for two weeks visiting my parents in France, so hopefully I can forget them all for a while!!

Thanks for all the support.



Angel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Angel,

I guess you will read this after your holiday. I really hope it was a good time for you and DH, you both deserve a break! Let us know how you are.

Love, jq xxx


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Thanks Jq, we had a nice break, and it was soooooo good to be away from everything and forget about pg people. I didn't want to come home and face reality!!!

On a medical note, I'm having a hysteroscopy tomorrow to remove a small polyp. They can't tell whether it could be causing me a problem or not, and I have no idea how long it has been there, but I guess it is best to have it removed, especially if we do have one IVF attempt!!! They had a cancellation, so it was sprung on me a few hours ago. I am a bit nervous, but at least I won't have weeks to worry about it!!!

Hope everyone is well!! 

Angel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

So glad you had a good time! Good luck for the hysteroscopy tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.
Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Angel... I hope you are doing ok after your op?
Let us know how you are getting on.
Love
Emcee x


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## Angel Child (Apr 22, 2008)

Hiya,

The op went fine, and I got over the anaesthetic quite quickly, but then I started to bleed and have a lot of pain. Typical me, I got an infection, so I am now on antibiotics, but it does seem to be improving. If it is to do with my womb, it will go wrong!!!! I just hope there is no long term damage!!!

On another note, it does look like we are going to have an attampt at IVF in a few months. After 11 years, I am not very hopeful, but I WILL still believe in miracle, even if my hope has been beaten out of me over the years. 

The dreaded baby is due in less than a month now. I don't really know what is expected of me or how to act or what to do. I have no idea about these things. I just hope I am not expected to visit her in hospital, I don't think I could cope with that. Anyone have any idea how long people stay in hospital after they give birth. With any luck she will be born on a Monday and we won't make it to see them until the weekend!!!

I hope everyone is well, big hugs to all!!!  

Angel


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Angel,

I am lad the op went OK but sorry to hear you ended up on antibiotics. Typical that if one thing can go wrong, it does!

Keep us informed about the IVF, you are a star giving it a go and I will be routing for you!

As for the baby, I think the NHS usually wants them out ASAP if there are no complications (and hope not) so I think you could easily avoid a hospital visit. I know any visit will be tough so i want to know you will have planned ways to be gentle on yourself - keep coming here for ideas and suppport for a start!

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Angel hon - sorry to hear you had an infection!  
Remember to go easy on yourself - there is nothing written in stone to say you have to go to the hospital, and there is no harm on being gentle with yourself and looking out for you either.
I wish you the very best of luck.
With love
Emcee x


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