# DH thinks adoption is 2nd best



## Biebs (Aug 7, 2010)

For the last 5 years we have been trying to concieve via IVF as this is the only option for us. It is now time to move on, I can't do it anymore! 

I would really like to see if we could adopt as I can't see my life without children, but my DH is worried that any adopted child would feel like 2nd best as we have been trying for our own child for so many years. I'm struggling to convince him that this would not be the case but feel I'm winning a losing battle. 

I'd be interested in hearing anyone's opinion and if you have had a similar experience?


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Hi Biebs,

You will see our history on my signature; for us, my husband and I always knew that we wanted to be parents regardless so I never had this problem.  We might not have created our son, but for us there is no feeling of second best.  This is "normal" for us, we have no other experience to compare it to but our son is totally and utterly ours.  I often forget that there has been no biological inheritance as he is so like us in various ways - nurture takes over from nature in my opinion.

I wish you every bit of luck in your journey   

Peacelily xx


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## Stelbud (Feb 8, 2011)

Hi Biebs,

We are also at the end of our IVF road and I'm like you but DH isn't as keen on adoption either. He said he wouldn't rule it out but he's just being honest with me.

I think it is very different for men because they don't have the same biological urge as we do. Damn pesky bodies having that urge and then letting us down!

For now we intend to take some time out and just enjoy being 'us' and then look to review the situation later. I'm hoping DH comes round but the more I've read into Adoption the more I see what a long, difficult process it is and I think our DHs would be really committed to get through it.

Maybe having some time out for now would be a good idea for you also? Failing that if you could maybe somehow talk to couples who have adopted they may make your hubby understand that adoption isn't second best?

Good luck.

Stelbud xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

"Damn pesky bodies having that urge and then letting us down!"

Absolutely, Stelbud! If only we could switch the hormones off I think it would be a lot easier to come to terms with all this heartache! And yes, I think that is why our dhs don't feel as strongly about all this as we do. 
Strange how even seeing someone's little girl in the hairdressers can set me off again...!   

Rowanxx


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## Illy (Jul 20, 2008)

Hi Biebs,


My DH was the same.  He does understand though that he doesn't have the need as I have, plus he has 2 adult children.
I'm unsure about adoption, but I said to DH, lets go to the info evening and find more out.
We're now attending the prep course at the moment which ends next week, and we then decide if we go ahead or not.  So far my DH seems to be more keen then I am!
You can always opt out or have a break on the adoption journey.


Good luck


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Second choice maybe but NEVER second best! 
Adoption has been the hardest thing I have ever done but also the best
I would suggest your dh might find it useful to read more about adoption, attend an opening evening and speak to some adopters, it may help with how he is feeling.
Good luck on your journey.
Crusoe xxxx


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## rosie71 (Jun 19, 2011)

If we manage to have another go at IVF and it doesn't work again. I was thinking maybe looking at adopition, but my DP doesn't like the idea, the fact that the child wouldn't be his, like his blood. I'm hoping if it comes to that I can get him to see.


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi

I was wondering if you had tried donor egg as it doesn't say on your signature.  It is not as easy to achieve as the clinic's may have you believe, I got success on my third attempt with FET which resulted in miscarriage but I am going back in March for another try.  It may be a solution for your DH to have his genetic child?

Obviously if you have tried DE without success then I think adoption is a brilliant thing, but I have always felt due to my age I would never be considered by my local authority?

Passenger x


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## felicity0288 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi Passenger

I think adoption is having big changes and I have read that age isn't necessary an issue. 
I hope not as I have just applied to my local council. I always believe if its in your mind then its best to find out rather than always wonder!
Why not give them a call?

Felicity


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

hi there
i just wanted to add that we appear to be in similar situation.

we can't have children naturally, had two failed ivf, due too egg of poor quality.
my husband and i first was good for adoption now he has completely changed mind.
so we Will not be adopting which i was devastated about.
can't see my life without children. 

do you have option of doner egg!?, its expensive but after little research found to be cheaper
abroad.
my Hubby doesn't wanna talk about children related for time being like a year.. probably best don't wanna stress our relationship too much as two failed ivf done that
x x x


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## felicity0288 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi Happy42

We have had egg donation many times. Unfortunately for us it did not work. I do think it is a good thing and works for a lot of couples. 
You get a description of the donor hair colour,eye color,height,weight ect. They try to get a donor similar to you. I always send a photo.
I think it is good to have a break sometimes from the treatment as it can drain you both so much. 

Felicity x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Stelbud said:


> I think it is very different for men because they don't have the same biological urge as we do. Damn pesky bodies having that urge and then letting us down!


So true Stelbud, so true! 

Hi Biebs, we are also in a similar situation as it looks like we're at the end of our IVF journey (after just one attempt). So our remaining options are DE or adoption - neither of which DH is keen on sadly. I wonder if like Blume says you could convince your DH to go along to an open evening, just to get some more info at least? Like Stelbud I've just been sat here reading Adoption info on our Local Authority webpage, and it does all seem very long-winded and a difficult process, which I know will put my DH off even more! Saying that I'm not prepared to give up just yet and will see if I can convince him to at least consider it. It's so lovely to see the wonderful postive post from Crusoe and Peacelily, they made me smile.

Wishing you lots of luck Biebs, hope it all works out for you xxx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Thanks NosilaB, the best things in life aren't easy but they're worth it.  Good luck with trying to persuade your husband


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you Peacelily, your post made me feel quite positive    It's crazy in a way that my DH isn't convinced by adoption as he himself is adopted!  And he had a wondereful experience, he absolutely adored his adoptive mum, and even more so when he realised what she'd been through to get him, it made him feel very special and loved.  So you'd think he'd want to do that for another child, but no, his brain does't work that way (men are complicated eh   )  I absolutely love your profile picture, adorable - I hope one day I too can have a picture like that   xx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

NosilaB said:


> I absolutely love your profile picture, adorable - I hope one day I too can have a picture like that  xx


Thank you, it was taken nearly 18months ago so he's a good deal bigger but I love it!

As you say, men are complicated  perhaps you have to sow the idea so that it becomes his (if that makes sense). My DH is like that over some things, if he's suggested something it's totally different to me having suggested it


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Yep, I totally get what you're saying!  Mine can be like that too - with mine I have to take the softly soflty approach and my family never understand how I can be so 'laid back and patient' with him, but having been with him nearly 15 years I know it's the only way to get results    So I will do the same now as I've always done....take my time and hope it works out.  Then eventually (hopefully!) DH will come around the idea and think it's partly his    Given some thought he may be able to see that he can use his experience as a postive thing...x


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