# DH doesn't want kids - what should I do?



## pearl18 (Jul 20, 2009)

Hi,

History - endometriosis, 2 failed attempts at IVF, 3 failed attempts at egg donation, just had a m/c.  

Present - had a long chat with DH tonight and he has told me he never wanted a child, which I did know, but refused to accept it.  Anyway for the last two years, DH has gone through supporting me with my quest to hvea child.  I have one more go at egg donation and am really thinking of giving my mind and body a bread, as I've had constant fertility treatment since October last year.  I am "broken", I desperately want to have a child.  If the next and last lot of egg donation fails, I am prepared to go down the adoption route.  My DH really doesnt' want to do this, but will for me.  I am so confusted as to what to do.  

I have posted this post, as I'm looking for some words of wisdom please.

Thank you in advance.


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## minttuw (Jan 22, 2007)

Dear Pearl,

I do not have any words of wisdom for you but wanted to give you a big  . So sorry to read about your struggles. I think I know at least a little bit how you might feel at the moment as I've had quite a few similar moments with my DH in the past as he didn't want to have children at all first, and now is mainly doing this to keep me happy. I know he has grown to the idea of being a father but would probably be very relieved if I said 'ok I've had enough of TTC and IVFs, let's stop and accept that we will never be parents'. He has also vehemently refused the idea of adoption so we are now doing our first donor egg treatment. If this fails I'm not sure whether we'll try again or just give up....

I really hope your dream of being a mother will come true one day. Try to stay positive and all the best with your next attempt.

Love
Minty
x


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## Choice4 (Aug 14, 2008)

Sorry to hear this, but i am sure there is away out.

May i suggest you post this topic on the relationship board here as there have been girls with similar issues, but ended up having kids or moving on, and are quite happy
See link

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=136.0


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## Coco Ruby (Jul 21, 2009)

Hi Pearl18

I'm sorry you are feeling so down about your situation.  It's easy to underestimate the huge toll ttc can take on our physical and emotional wellbeing as it's so all-consuming.  Did your DH say why he particularly doesn't want a child?  My DP also wasn't really sure he wanted any, it was all driven by me and if I'd said I wasn't bothered, he wouldn't have been either.  I think some men are just like that - they don't have that biological urge that a lot of women do.  Your DH has been supportive and gone through the process with you and maybe now he is worried about how the whole ttc process is affecting you? 

If you are trying DE, you have more time than if you were using your own eggs, so maybe take a little bit of time to look after yourself, treat yourself nicely - you deserve it - and spend time with DH.  Hopefully it will help build your relationship as a couple and strengthen your own emotional wellbeing at the same tim, ready for the next steps that you decide.

Hugs  
x


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi pearl

You cant give up, your dream to be a mother, DE may work for you in the end, dont let your DH deny you the chance, it maybe something you regret later on.
i feel strongly if you have a desire to be a mother you should do it, even if the worst happens and DE doesnt work, you can still adopt, there are so many little ones needing a stable home with parents ...or a 'parent' to love them, you can be a parent one day, it just may not be how you first imagined.
Sorry to hear about M/C, but the positive thing is, you can get pregnant,  you are so close!
Obviously, you have to make your own decision, and in the end do whats best for you, What have the docs said? Have they said your chances are ok with De even after 3 negs?
hope it helps

Karenx


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## pearl18 (Jul 20, 2009)

Hi,

Well the situation is I've finally stopped bleeding after the longest period I've ever had and returned to work on Monday.  I managed to get through the week without crying at work - phew.  DH is being relatively supportive. He's even said I can have another 3 goes at DE if the next attempt fails as he knows how important it is to me.  He really can be marvellous.  I'm doing all the things I should, I started yoga last night and have acupuncture tomorrow morning.  I'm planning not to start the next lot of DE until end of November/December, so I can relax during Xmas.  

Thank you all for your support, you are all wonderful.

Pearl


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## Coco Ruby (Jul 21, 2009)

Hi Pearl 18

Am really glad things turned out ok for you with DH in the end.  Maybe he just needed a bit of time and space to work out what he wanted too.

Good luck for your future tx
x


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## tomsmummy (Jun 8, 2005)

Hi Pearl

I am just sending you a big hug and lots of I think the difference with men is that their hormones and parenting genes don't seem to kick in until it actually happens. You can't give up on your dream good luck x


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