# Will I ever feel hopeful again?



## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Hi,

So my first cycle of IVF ended in BFN, despite a very positive start. I have low ovarian reserve, but still managed 6 eggs at EC which all fertilized and had 2 good quality blasts transferred, which is quite an achievement for a low AMH girl like me. I was given a 64% success rate, but it was no luck for me this time    I feel like all my hope is gone  and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to get PG. I'm 33 and never ever been even close to getting a BFP, I never even been late, my AF is always promptly on time . I also have adenomyosis, which could possibly cause implantation failure and there is really no research or tx for it......it is one of those mystery conditions that doctors don't really  know much about. I don't even know what to think anymore, I feel no hope for the future and feels like I have nothing to look forward I'm my life anymore 

Sorry for depression post

Xx


----------



## Ipps73 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hi Lola33

after reading a lot of threads on here I felt the need to reply.  I too have an extremely low AMH level - 3 and they gave me a very low chance of getting any eggs at all but we managed 3 with a lot of drugs (I used Menopur) egg collection on my birthday 18/8 which we was hoping was a good omen!!!  Unfortunately only one fertilized and a grade 3 egg but all the same it only takes one egg for a successful pregnancy!!  Like yourself this is our first time at IVF and on the day before OTD I started to bleed heavily and then on OTD an obvious BFN.

I unfortunately was diagnosed in Feb 2011 with severe Endrometriosis which will prevent us from perhaps trying again as a Hysterectomy is imminent.....  I have a follow up appointment @ the clinic at the beginning of Nov and am hoping we will perhaps be able to have just one more try.  As I said to my DH I seriously cant close the door on this yet I have dreamt for years about being a mummy and cant believe it is so difficult to get what some just take so for granted.

At the moment I feel so bitter and feel life is so unfair I am just hoping that one day our dreams will come true but I am unsure how much more disappointment an individual can keep taking  I sometimes have to pinch myself to think this is actually happening to me and that my life is not going to work out as I planned. 

Sorry my post is not much more upbeat  

xx


----------



## babysparkle (Mar 28, 2011)

Hi Lola   I know how it feels to get a bfn and although the feeling doesn't ever go completely, it does get easier, trust me. I cried non stop for nearly 2 weeks after my first ivf cycle failed and at the time it doesn't seem possible that you'll ever be able to smile again but you get there eventually.
Try to look at your first cycle as a trial run and next cycle you can tweak things a bit. The fact you got 6 eggs is excellent and you got blasts! I only got 7 on my first but with different drugs I got 14 on my next cycle.
Have you had a follow up to discuss everything?
Don't give up hope   xx


----------



## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Hi Lola and Ipps 

I wanted to come and comment and reinforce what babysparkle says - it does get easier! After my first transfer in July my biggest stress was whether I could cope with twins, I was that confident. When I got that BFN I felt like I'd been punched hard in the stomach. I've been through a lot (including the death of my mum when I was just 21) & I would compare the pain to bereavement. But I have to tell you what is different from an actual real mourning is the speed at which you will pick yourself up - the way you feel now is not how you will feel in a week, a month - I promise you this feeling will pass. I just got my second BFN last week & although it hurts like hell its not as painful as the first.

There are woman on here who go through multiple transfers and they are a true inspiration of how, if you want something bad enough you'll muster the strength to get you through.

Take some time to feel bad about the crap cards life has delt you but try to come through it with a plan of action for the future - I'm confident you can do it!

V x


----------



## jen-v (Jul 7, 2011)

Hello, I really agree with vixter. It completely does feel like a bereavement, however mad that sounds to people not going through IF. But I am also finding it often gets a bit easier to cope with sooner (I know not always, and not for everyone). My first bfn floored me completely. This time I still feel so, so sad and the grief is very real, but the things I've done differently this cycle are chatting on ff, weekly acupuncture, meditation, and making use of the clinic's free counsellor - this has taken the edge off that awful gnawing anxiety about the future, and the sense of hopelessness and joylessness, which were definitely the worst things last time. I've also given myself time away from work and social stuff when I needed it, and generally been a bit kinder to myself. It means that less than 2 weeks on, at least on some days I can actually face putting myself through it all again. xxx


----------



## 1972 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi. I feel slightly different to the other ladies in that my 2nd bfn has hit me harder. Ive not cried but I'm alot sadder and worried as I'm approaching 40 and the clock is ticking .. 

However, you will feel better. First time round I had about a week of feeling very down and sad but one morning woke up and just felt a bit better and then I got stronger. I took time to do nice things for me, got my nails done, a facial, joined fat club to lose the cycle weight and after while no more drugs, scans, bloating, jabs etc etc I got back to feeling like me. The break between the cycles eventually made me feel the best I  had in years after all the rests etc etc. 

Take time out and you will feel better soon, promise xx


----------



## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Hello ladies and thank you so much for all you posts 

Ipps73- I'm so sorry about your edno dx   it is such an evil disease  I can relay to your feelings of bitterness and me too sometimes can't believe that all of this is happening to me. Really hope you can give IVF another go  

Babysparkle- yes, I had a follow up, my consultant was really positive and thinks that my chances are good because I responded better than expected, so fingers crossed I will do as good next time  

Vixter- so sorry to hear about you recent BFN   I guess you are right, most people say that the first one is the toughest one. What is your next plan?

Jen- definitely good idea to take time away from it all. I was so sad in the first 2 days, then as time progressed I became angry, so many emotions   what scares me is the feeling of hopelessness and joylessness, I feel like this as well. It's just so hard to be happy now days, just hope it will get better

Maisemoo- sorry about your second BFN, I guess everybody is deferent, but I'm sure that every BFN is devastating. 

Afm- I am feeling much better now, so you were right it does get better, but must admit im still not myself and wonder if i ever will be. It feels like a part of me has died and i will never be that positive and bubbly girl that never had any troubles and never let anything get to me. I had my follow up and have decided to give it another go in oct/nov. I am really scared this time, first time I felt hopeful, but this time I'm just scared. I will not be telling anyone about my tx this time, I dint tell many people last tine either, just my family and one friend, that has been through tx herself, but this time it will be our secret

Best of luck to all you lovely ladies, wish that all of your dreams will come true   

Xx


----------



## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Hi and excuse me for butting in but I just wanted to say that, to my mind, the pain is _exactly _like a bereavement and the mourning for a lost embie can go on for months, just like a miscarriage or the loss of a loved one. It may seem over the top to anyone who's lost a parent or a child but it's how some of us react. I think I got over the first few BFN's in a matter of weeks but as the failures piled up, it got worse. The last attempt which ended in a miscarriage last November plunged me into a depression so deep that I'm only just coming out of it now.

There is also the additional burden of wondering if it was something I did that caused the miscarriage which just adds to the grief.

So, with all due respect, and I speak as one who is fortunate enough to still have 2 living parents so I appreciate that I have never experienced that type of heartbreak; I'd hesitate to make a distinction between a BFN and any other type of mourning. There was a life there, then all of a sudden it's gone and it hurts. 

Love ^fairy dust^ and  to all

xxx


----------



## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Hi and excuse me for butting in but I just wanted to say that, to my mind, the pain is exactly like a bereavement and the mourning for a lost embie can go on for months, just like a miscarriage or the loss of a loved one.  It may seem over the top to anyone who's lost a parent or a child but it's how some of us react.  I think I got over the first few BFN's in a matter of weeks but as the failures piled up, it got worse. The last attempt which ended in a miscarriage last November plunged me into a depression so deep that I'm only just coming out of it now.

There is also the additional burden of wondering if it was something I did that caused the miscarriage which just adds to the grief.

So, with all due respect, and I speak as one who is fortunate enough to still have 2 living parents so I appreciate that I have never experienced that type of heartbreak; I'd hesitate to make a distinction between a BFN and any other type of mourning.  There was a life there, then all of a sudden it's gone and it hurts  

Love    and  to all

xxx


----------



## jen-v (Jul 7, 2011)

Hi Han72, So sorry you've had such a hard time of it. It is so good that your depression is receding: thats a real mountain to climb on top of all the IF you've had to go through, as if you needed another battle!  I think I'm going to tell my family about the bereavement comparison, so that they can understand why failed ivf can be so awful - it makes sense of the way we feel / behave, which I'm sure must look   from the outside. 

Lola33 its so hard going into your next tx feeling scared   , would a counsellor help with this maybe? Sorry, I'm sure you've thought of this, and I know there isn't a magic wand to make it all go away, its just one thing I've found really helpful. 

Hope everyone else on this thread is doing OK,  I'm feeling OK but reading other peoples' experiences makes me realise I have been rather lucky this time round. Sending   all round xxx


----------

