# Struggling to tell people and discuss with my partner



## minimon (Sep 6, 2010)

I'm new here and recently got diagnosed with POF at age 38. I had some tests a back in 2008, but didn't realise the implications, so didn't follow through with all the tests to get the full diagnosis until this year. I've always expected I'll have children (and would love to have children). But here I am at nearly 39 and it's looking increasingly unlikely. I have been told by the specialist that I could have egg donation, but not on the NHS. There is a very slim chance we could conceive naturally, but I doubt that will happen as my FSH is so high. This summer I didn't have a period for months and had some hot flushes. 

I'm struggling to discuss this with my partner as he suffers from depression (type 2 bi-polar) and finds it hard to open up and talk about subjects like this. Talking about subjects like this makes him extremely stressed and I really don't want to trigger anything that will set him off balance. 

I really question whether I should go down the egg donation route as it would put huge stress on the both of us and I'm not sure my partner would cope well with the counselling you get before the treatment. Ironically we've been together for 17 years. I always wanted to try and get pregnant earlier and have always had a weird feeling that I could have some difficulties, but my partner wasn't keen to try and kept saying we should wait until we were older. The specialist suggested maybe he feels bad for not wanting to try earlier. I really don't know how or when to raise this with him. 

I have told one of my sisters and have told 1/2 the story to another sister who miscarried earlier this year. But I'm struggling to tell my Mum. She only has one grand child and as the youngest daughter I think she was hoping for another. I've told a good friend but she lives quite far away and we only talk on the phone or online occasionally.

The information the specialist has given me seems very overwhelming. I've bought a couple of books but I have a very demanding job and it's hard to find the time to get my head round all this new terminology. It was suggested we have counselling and I haven't tried that route yet. Again I feel I'm putting it off as I'm the one who wants it and I feel like my partner isn't keen to talk about it. 

We've spent Christmas on our own this year and for the first time it feels like something is really missing. 

I'm not sure what to expect from posting here but I guess I'm just interested to talk to some people who are in the same situation. If anyone has a situation like mine I'd be really keen to hear from you. Thanks.


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## Amily (Apr 10, 2010)

Dear Minimom
Welcome! Sorry about your situation. I have had 5 courses of fertility treatment (got latest BFN today) so know a bit of what you are going through. My DH is not at all keen to discuss it or anything to do with babies whatsoever. Like you, I had a 'feeling' that I would have trouble conceiving and, to be honest, can't imagine it ever working for me. No medical reason for me (apart from endometriosis) - unexplained infertility. I have not told any friends as I can't bear the thought of people walking on eggshells round me but it is hard. I have just spent another Christmas with nephews, nieces etc..
I am sorry I can't help you with the egg donation question as I have no experience there. Just wanted to wish you all the best. I know there will be replies from some more helpful ladies though!


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## HOPEx (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi minimom sending you a big    x I'm so sorry to hear your situation x to be honest ive told a few people, i did this because if im moody etc they will hopefully understand why im like it. To be totally honest i wish i hadnt told anyone as nobody truly understands unless they are going through it   also im finding its causing a lot of awkwardness etc. As a few people around me fell pregnant naturally and nobody told me about my cousins pregnancy as they didn't want to upset me. Instead i found out by her nan (who doesn't no of my problems) she told me in a busy supermarket, i wanted the ground to swallow me up.    but i definitely think that you need to confide in someone as you need to talk about it x x i did have counselling at my fertility clinic and i went on my own as my other half doesn't believe in counselling! ! Maybe you might find it good to go on your own, i did as i felt i could talk about my relationship to as my other half is a very cold petson and im unable to talk to him about anything!  Anyway good luck With everything and make sure you log on to this fab website when ever you feel low or just want to let everything out as the support you receive on here is priceless, i dont no how i could go on without this website x x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hey hun... was sad to read your post... you will get great support and avise here.
I would have never considered tx abroad (we're mid cycle) if it wasnt for the people on this site... the information, advice and supprt and just a shoulder when are men our being down right useless!!
I know its hard to tell people... and this is from the woman that didn't tell her parents til a week before we came to spain...
people suprise you! My mum is desperate for us to have a baby... would never say... but she suprised me... you need support hun... try open up if you can... people will want the best for you x x


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## minimon (Sep 6, 2010)

Thanks for the replies and kind words. I certainly don't want people round me making exceptions for me. I am telling a few people at a time and I'm tending to tell those who don't have children, rather than those who do. It seems easier that way. A friend who has moved to a different city had a kid 2 years ago and said he thought we were avoiding them because they'd had a kid and we didn't like kids. Although he said it jokingly, it made me feel pretty rotten. And so many people I know keep announcing they are pregnant. I'm always delighted for them, but it feels hard to smile and say it convincingly when you first hear their news. My manager knows though, and is very supportive, because she and her husband have had their difficulties getting PG too. Makes it easier when you need to have appointments at certain times.

Thanks for the suggestion (HOPEx) to go to counselling on my own. I hadn't really considered that option as it seems we are meant to go as a couple. But I will look into it now. It's been a difficult year and not just because of the diagnosis. I lost an old friend suddenly in the Summer, was under a lot of pressure at work and was completing part-time studies. So I think I've been avoiding dealing with the premature menopause thing because I can only deal with so much on my plate at a time.

I wouldn't say my partner is useless (although I know that wasn't meant literally). Dealing with any major life events when you have depression is a real challenge and planning ahead is something that can be especially hard - because well laid plans don't accommodate extreme mood swings very well


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi Minimom
I hope you didnt take offence by my comment... was only meaning that they dont always get how we feel.  I appreciate your DH has other issues to deal with.
I wish you well in your journey and hope you find your way through this difficult time x x


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## minimon (Sep 6, 2010)

No don't worry Jensw - no offence taken. Just wanted to explain our situation a bit better


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## Amily (Apr 10, 2010)

Minimon
I have been to counselling on my own (with the clinic's rather rubbish counsellor and then with a better counsellor I found myself) and I did find it helpful. I would definitely recommend giving it a try.


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## Kerry Crabtree (Feb 19, 2007)

Hi

just wanted to add a bit from my experience on here.

I was diagnosed with early menopause when i was 19 after 2 years chasing a diagnosis- so i have always been aware that i would be unable to have children of my own- i have always been open and told people around me my situation as soon as i can as for me it saves hassle- sometimes i can cope with things and other times i cant- so if people know my situation they can make a better judgement on my reaction and i dont feel as bad- however i have had some difficulty- my own sister hid her pregnancy till she was over 6 months pregnant as she felt guilty- but you do get over these things!

any way i met my husband when i was 24 and we started talking to docs about how we could have babies when i was almost 27- i am now 30 and as we struggled to get nhs funding for 3 years we have just funded treatment with egg donation as i have no eggs of my own now!

any way we had to have one counselling session at the clinic- which was fine- it dealt mainly with how you would deal with telling/ not telling any child about them being concieved after egg donation (we are pro telling) it was an easy counselling session which caused us limited upset.

any way we got our BFP on xmas eve and are   it sticks.

if you want to private message me or ask me anything else please do- also the daisy network is another good site with women who have been through a premature menopause

http://www.daisynetwork.org.uk/

good luck with whatever you decide to do- i am sure you will find support here1
/links


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi minimon,

I was diagnosed with POF aged 34 and whilst I have a regular cycle, my ovarian reserve is pretty dreadful. My DH and I were advised to consider egg donation and my first reaction was that of complete horror! However, as I have come to accept the diagnosis I have also accepted that it is our best chance of having a family. I went to a fantastic fertility counsellor who enabled me to see that I was grieving for the loss of my biological link. I now feel that I have moved on and feel very positive about the egg donation process and am having treatment in Spain at a clinic my consultant here recommended. It is a hard, stressful process but the most difficult part for me was accepting that I wouldn't be able to have my own biological child and feeling like a failure because of that. Physically it's not too bad - it's much worse for the donor. Looking back I can now see that I was emotionally all over the place and once I had learned to move forward I felt much better. You go through such a range of emotions - anger, grief, bewilderment etc.. and it's hardly surprising. 

Anway, good luck with whatever decision you make and, looking at these threads, none of us are alone.

Kerry, great news about your pregnancy - congratulations!


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## minimon (Sep 6, 2010)

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I will start trying to look into the counselling option and read up about egg donation. I am still in a cycle but it's pretty unpredictable. From what the specialist said my hormone levels indicate that my own egg reserve is probably not up to the job and as we've been trying for the best part of 2 years, it's looking fairly unlikely. I've read immune disorders can be a cause of POF and as two of my sisters have had immune related illnesses I'm going to have an immune test soon just to check.

It's helpful to know that the counselling isn't so bad. I know I've got to try and talk to my partner about it more. I have to admit the idea of donated eggs didn't go down too well with me at first either. So so when my partner reacted negatively to the idea I didn't bother raising it again as I need to get my own head round it before I can talk to him.  

Just had some friends round with their 9 month old boy (who is very cute) and didn't feel too bad about things. I have my up days and down days. I'm sure it's the same for everyone on here from the posts I've read.

Kerry - best of luck and fingers crossed it all works out for you and your DH. Thanks for the link to the Daisy Network. I had come across them but their forum doesn't seem as active as this one.


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## Kerry Crabtree (Feb 19, 2007)

no the daisy network isnt as active but i found it a great help when i was first diagnosed just because it was so specialised!


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Welcome to FF minimon 

I am sorry your situation has brought you here, but I know that now you are here whatever way your future pans out, there will be a place on here for you to post and a friend or 2 to share it with.
FF is an amazing community and you will likely find someone who can relate to exactly how your feeling,
so I hope to see you popping up around the forum 

My own situation is slightly different however I have POF & PCOS we had 4 ivf cycles with my own eggs and a high fsh, and with hindsight know that it really was never going to work, however I found FF and discovered a world of people who needed a donor egg to have a family, and then I met with some who had already had the treatment and suddenly I realised that I could do it too, I asked questions on here to get my head around it 
We went abroad in the end, ( no counselling ) and it worked.
Heres some links you may find helpful

Donor Sperm/Eggs CLICK HERE

Starting out & Diagnosis ~
CLICK HERE

Meanings ~
CLICK HERE

POF - CLICK HERE

And don't forget to have a bit of fun while you are on FF and check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area
G&B - Community Fun board
CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. 
where you can meet other new members and get Chatroom support 
and help to navigate the site and using all the functions available

*All the help and information you will need to navigate 
your way around the Chat Room*
CLICK HERE

Check out the *Locations boards* for your home town & a site search for your *diagnosis* 

Wishing you Friendship  &    


If you need any help just ask!
~Dizzi~


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