# BFN and finally admitting I may have to move on



## JulietP

Morning everyone.......

I never wanted to have to be in this section but this morning's BFN means that there are no options left.  I haven't been through as much as some of you out there, I have never had a failed pregnancy, I've not travelled the world trying desperately to find the right clinic.  I have had I suppose a very calm journey, secretly really believing that with every 'last chance' that of course it would work for me.  We used our last sperm sample last June with a donor and we got one perfect embryo that was put on ice until two weeks ago.

They showed us the photograph and said that it really was a fine specimen and that this time had to be the one.  Both DH and I had mixed feelings about this one - DH is 55 and I am 45 so this would be some strain on us.  We didn't really even talk about it, we just did it.  I did a test yesterday because I couldn't bear the stress.  My specialist had said to me 'you'll know if it's worked'.  Of course, I haven't felt any different these two weeks, apart from hormonal.

So there we are.  No more samples, no-one left in the freezer, just that feeling of years and years ahead of me with not much to fill it.  I know this feeling gets better, I've been through it 4 times now, but I needed to talk this morning having just put the phone down to my clinic.  

xxxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Oh, Juliet, I am so sorry.  

It is brave of you to face this difficult decision. I know what has helped me is to put the question aside for a little while and focus on doing things that made me happy (my relationship, my job..). It has helped assure my grieving mind that I can not only move on, but also be okay and maybe even a better person without children.

It gets better with time. Xx


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## JulietP

Thank you both so much.  It is so reassuring to know I have ears waiting at the end of my computer to help me pick up the pieces.  I know I'll be ok - I have been ok between each round and have even got to the point of dreading a positive! 

I'm just at a loss at the moment - still no job (not that I looked before Christmas, I gave myself a lovely 2 months off!) and I have a new rescue dog who is the sweetest creature on earth, but who I want to send back immediately because she's not a baby and she's taken away the attention of my 19 month old German Shepherd, who to all intents and purposes has been my child substitute.  I've not even had her a week yet poor little thing.

Today I am giving myself the day off feeling guilty for all my strange feelings.  I shall wallow and enjoy.  And maybe tomorrow I can start a little positive thinking.  

Thank you lovely ladies. xxxx


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## JulietP

Well it’s now three months on and I can honestly say I think I’m just as low.  It’s the most exhausting self-pitying ever isn’t it?  A distant friend of mine has just revealed her first child on ******** and it’s sent me spiralling all over again.  She never wanted children but was delighted to announce the arrival of her first baby.  I can’t tell you how much rage and jealousy I have felt over those sweet little pictures.  Needless to say I have now blocked all posts from her.

My overriding emotion though is fear.  I am so fearful of the future now.  And I am obsessed by death.  My mother is suffering from Alzheimers – although still in the early to mid stages – and I find her deterioration utterly terrifying.  My parents are my life, my safety net, always there when I need them.  If they were immortal, I truly believe I could cope with being childless.  But the prospect that they will not be here one day and that I have no generation below me to focus on, to hope for, to talk about leaves me feeling anxious and panicky.  I look at my husband, my siblings, even my beloved dogs and I am fearful of them all dying before me.  I see my future as a long, lonely road filled with sadness.

And here is another madness that has entered my head.  I read an article about a 70 year old giving birth.  It’s awful.  Hideous.  So completely wrong to bring a child into this world knowing you have few years left.  But it gave me hope!!!

Anyway.  Anyone else going through the same madness as me?
xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Agreed, grief has no time limit. For HSD and I, it took years to get where we are today and we have benefited from relatively low exposure to triggers like friends having babies and so on.

We have had caring responsibilities for my mother in law since the start, so that transition hasn't been as jarring. However, it was a significant part of our decision to "move on" that we decided to move far away, to free up space in our lives to care for ourselves and each other. We still love her dearly but she is not our child and needs to learn to be an independent adult while she still can. It has still been a terribly difficult decision to make. She was frail but after surgery she regained independence, and we realised if we didn't leave now to make our own way, our lives would tied to "raising her" until she died in ten, twenty, thirty years... 

For us, the need to invest into a support network that would last until *we* were frail overshadowed our need to care for mum, particularly as she has other family here to care for her. They will need to step up!

I am so sorry to hear about your mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It is a horrible disease. Learning about this would be hard enough without having infertility as well.   Do take care of yourself. There are support groups and charities specifically to help families like yourself. Counselling can also be very helpful. Let your GP know things are extra hard right now.

Continue to talk about how you are feeling as acceptance is the biggest healer. Xx


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## katehe

Hi Juliet, 
I'm sorry that you have hit a low --
My best friend is being induced today with her second baby and it really is a bitter sweet feeling. We have decided to sell up and change jobs so I'm on a bit of a high at the moment, like finally - change at last! But, I am very aware that once I re-settle those lows will come back. I have no real words of advice but I guess I accept that grief and loss will always be part of my life now. Death and 'existentialism' is a big theme that I worked thru in therapy with my bereavement counsellor.
Big big hugs xxx


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## JulietP

Hi girls…. Gailgegirl, Handstitchedmum and Kate, thank you all so much for replying and being a little constant in the ether.  To know I’m not actually going mad, but am in fact experiencing similar reactions to grief is a comfort.  That support network that you assume will be there with a growing family is I think what is missing from my life.  Kent is not my natural home, I left London to be here 7 years ago, and since then I’ve not built any form of support at all.  Jobs have failed to deliver the friends that I found in London, and my family are in Suffolk. 

I too remember my mother’s father dying and at the time when she took to her bed with pneumonia I didn’t put two and two together and realise her ultimate support had been whipped from under her and she was experiencing that fear that I feel now.  She was just my mother being ill and she’d be fine right?  Now her most vivid memories are of her father.  She talks with such joy and eagerness about him and doesn’t have that about any other topic.  He was her life and even though we were there, she still got terribly ill.

I guess we place such huge importance on the things we don’t have and focus on the ‘fact’ that if we had it, our lives would be complete.  I know that children aren’t the answer.  A fulfilling life IS.  It’s just that with those little people missing, that seems to be the only way forward.  

I have read a lot of your posts in the past and the common thread with all of you is the work you have all put in to making yourselves better, your lives more fulfilling and the acceptance that has come with that.  I do think I need to see someone – the counsellor at my clinic was lovely, perhaps a visit is the first step.  I’m not able to think about the future in too much detail as that’s where my fear lies so new houses, jobs, friends is all too much at the moment.  

Thank you all for your wise and kind words and for making me feel not quite as mad and strange as I feel.  Kate, I’m so sorry today is going to be such a hard day and I hope you can focus on your exciting future.  Sending you all much love xxx


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## becs40

As Juliet just wanted to offer some support. Infertility is the worst form of bereavement in my book because it's a wound that I believed would never really heal and that every time you hear a friends pg announcement etc it just reopens the wound.
We had 9 years of ttc and 3 rounds of Ivf which failed. During our 2nd cycle we started thinking about adoption and as soon as our 3rd cycle was over we threw ourselves into it. A lot have said we're brave doing it but to be honest I felt a coward doing it. I wasn't strong enough to build a life without children.


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## JulietP

Hi Becs, I'm so glad for you that you have been approved and you are now legal parents.  You must feel absolutely fantastic.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, sadly for us because of our age, we were told we would only be suitable for an older child and I wasn't strong enough for that.  I will never come to terms with not being a mother, I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I am currently going through another huge upheaval - my beloved mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  We are a week in and it has been utter hell.  This puts children way down the 'pain' threshold, but as I sit with her holding her hand with my sister and my father, I know that in the future I will never have that.  xxx


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## becs40

Ah Juliet I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this as well at such a difficult time. 

Now isn't the time to be making any decisions one way or the other. You need to grieve that you won't be a biological mum and you need to focus on your family at this very difficult time. I wish you strength to help you face the future.


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## Handstitchedmum

Juliet, I am so sorry the grief is just being poured on you at the moment. :-(

I remember a similar moment after my grandmother passed, when my mother struggled with the same transitional feelings. For her entire life, my mother saw herself as a daughter and had not, until that moment, considered that identity may not be permanent. I think my presence triggered her grief as she realised she had not spent as much time building her identity as a mother (of me), and the loss of that (newly realised) need weighed heavily over the grief of losing her own mother. Thanks (?) to infertility and my own 'absent' mother, I faced that loss many years before my own mother had to. It does not go away but it does get better. Xx

This also cannot take away from the loss you feel, but I promise you there will be someone to hold your hand when you are older, more vulnerable, and in need. It may not be a daughter, but it will be someone who cares, because you are worthy of being cared for, and I am confident you will invest in relationships that support you and bring you love regardless of whether you have children or not.


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## katehe

So sorry Juliet. Thinking of you xxx


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## JulietP

Hello all, thank you so much for your support and your lovely, reassuring comments.  It's times like these when you wonder what on earth it's all about and I want to curl up with my mother and go with her.  I just pray to whatever is out there that she goes quickly - the suffering she is enduring is just awful, she needs her peace.  xxx


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## Miller20

Hi Juliet

So sorry to hear your pain and I feel it too. Tonight I just creased up and cried - it's the first day of school holidays and suddenly all the kids are about with their parents (all younger than me) and you remember again there's this whole world you're not part of - school, school trips, the kids' friends, playdates, school holiday camps - and my life is empty and silent and I wonder why I have nothing to do or focus on (no job at the moment) and it's because the children aren't there. It feels so empty. 

You and your DH are about the same age as us so your story struck a chord. I don't know where to go next - ... I feel too old to be a new mum now. I know what you mean about the 70 year old having kids and I do think that's lovely in a weird way and Jennifer Anniston saying she might still become a mother gave me hope too. But in the meantime I lead my sad little life and wonder where all the 40 somethings are when we go to the pub (full of young hipsters) and realise they're all at home with their young families. Sorry not to be more positive, just wanted to say I know how it feels. 

Tomorrow I'll focus on something lovely but for now, yuk.

Lots of love and I hope you can spend quality time with your family right now.

xxx


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## JulietP

Hello Millar, I’m so sorry you are feeling so low, I have been and continue to be just almost mind-blowingly low with everything that’s going on.  I always think with the next thing, this is when I’ll give up and just cease, but actually I keep going on.  We have, amongst our friends, a young couple of 29 and 30 who have just announced (quietly because of me) that they are pregnant.  On top of my mother’s condition I actually thought my body would stop with the pain.  I howled.  And then I told my DH that I never EVER wanted to see them again (they are new friends, but lovely people all the same).  He was a bit quiet about that and I looked at him fiercely and said it’s me or them.  I’m now in self preservation mode.  I will NOT see pregnant people and soon I’ll have to cut myself off from people who have mothers too because mine won’t be around long…..

And then in my calmer moments I realise that actually, this is life isn’t it?  Life is about facing up to the thing you dread the most, and for me that was not having my mother.  6 weeks ago our lives were devastated and since then she has become a child.  She’s in the most awful pain, she’s sad, she misses her own mother, but at times she looks at me and tells me she loves me and I hang on to that.  But I keep going.  I know also that I will see this lovely couple again.  Not much just yet, but maybe when they’re tired and it’s keeping them awake all night.  It won’t stop me yearning for a child, but it might just take the sharpness off that pain.

Both Handstitchedmum and Gailgegirl have said some lovely things on here – it IS good to know that not all families are close and that it could be that if we had children, they wouldn’t be there for us.  But that when we need someone, there will be someone to look after us – goodness knows who that will be, but I have watched some lovely nurses cajoling, calming and taking the time to ease the frustration of some ever such ill patients.  Patients whose minds have just gone and they don’t know where they are or why.

I’m not sure when we will be able to open our front doors, step outside, breathe the air and not care about children, but it has to come at some point doesn’t it.  I live near a school so I see children every day.  I too am not in a job at the moment – which is just as well with my mother being so ill – but I feel a bit useless – a failure in producing a child and a failure in holding down a good job!!!  I really hope once life settles again (even saying that hurts because it means my mother will have gone) I am determined to try and enjoy my DH, do something exciting, and find one good thing every day to focus on.  Even as I type that I’m thinking of all the hell that’s going on, but some days I can be positive and I hope that that comes to all of us.  We are all amazing people – I have had more warmth, emotion and support from this forum than from a lot of ‘real’ people out there.  I went on to the Alzheimers forum a couple of days ago and howled at them over my mother and they weren’t nearly as lovely as we are on here!!! So, thank you all for being amazing and keep thinking of one good thing every day.  

xxxx


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## JulietP

ps, I've just seen I spelt your name wrong - Miller - even my eyes are going...... 
xxx


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## JulietP

Hey everyone…anyone…   I wasn’t sure whether to start a new thread but thought I’d pop onto this one again.

Tonight DH told me that his youngest son, who’s just announced his engagement, is also about to announce his fiancée is pregnant.  He wants to wait until I am around at a weekend so he can tell us both together.

It’s difficult for me to put into words quite how devastated, cross, lost, useless and panicked I feel about this news.  My husband is going to be a grandad.  I haven’t even and never will be a mother.  I don’t want to see this child.  I don’t want him to see this child.  I don’t want to know anything about it.  Ever.  I’m still in the middle of coping with my ever-fading mother.  He is now starting a new chapter in his life.  Mine is just diminishing.

I’m so tired of being so sensitive all the time.


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