# Dealing with Stepchildren and Infertility.



## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

By popular demand I have opened a discussion; a place where we can discuss our thoughts, feelings and coping mechanisms around being the parents of stepchildren while dealing with our struggles to have our own children with our partners. 

For my own part my situation was a little different as my stepchildren are only 6 and 10 years younger than me, respectively so I was never in a position where I was a "mother figure" to them. 
However I spent a great deal of time feeling quite resentful towards my DH's ex for giving him something that I could not. Also there was the insecurity that he might decide that I was just not good enough as a woman and would leave me for her (an absolutely ridiculous idea if you knew the details of thier split but there was very little making sense going through my head half the time.) I never resented the boys and I always got on ok with them but they were a reminder of my frustrations all the time.

I would love to hear how everyone, who is / has been in similar situation copes or coped.
Do you get on with your stepchildren? Do you feel envious of them and or the bond they have created between your partner and another woman / man? 

C~x



P.S. This thread is in G&B talk and not Relationships at the moment so newbies can see it, but may be moved later if it is deemed appropriate.


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## hrq (Aug 29, 2007)

Well done on creating this discussion, Caz. I'm sure lots of people will relate to it.

My DH has twins from his first marriage, they are 17 now. I do think the world of them, but I know in my heart that they would never be able to satisfy my need to have my own children. It's a completely different relationship than I would have with my own child. I guess it would change things if they lived with us and I would be closer to them.

I think the fact that my DH has already been there and done that removes any urgent need he has to have children with me. Before we were together he didn't want any more children, but our relationship has changed this. But although he'd love us to have a child together, I don't think there'll really be a hole in his life if we don't manage it, whereas there will be in mine. He tries hard to understand this real need I have now, but I think it's impossible, simply because it's different for men and also because of his circumstances.

Hope that makes sense!
H x


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Perfect sense hun

Thanks Caz

~Dizzi~


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## LadyB (Oct 5, 2007)

I agree with what you're saying about your DH not seeming to have the same urgency as you H, 

I feel the same with my DH. I know that he wants to have children with me, and it may concern him that we 're struggling at the moment-but he's a dad already so he will never understand the heartbreak of wanting to be a parent or the urgency that I feel to try and make it happen now.

My step son is 14 and he stays with us every weekend, he's a great child and we do get on really well but we dont have a mother/son relationship in the way that i'd like it to be or in the sense that I'd imagine it with my own child.

I think this is because he was 11 when me and my DH got together.

If i'm honest, I do feel jealous of my DSS's mum because she has managed to have a child with my DH when I can't yet. 

And where as i would never wish that my DSS wasn't here, I desperatly wish that he were ours instead of theirs!

As the relationship between my DH and his ex is not very amicable I've had my DSS's mum use the fact that she has my DHs child as a way of hurting me ( a bit unfair really as there was no reason for animosity between me and her prior to that)- has anyone else experienced that?


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## hrq (Aug 29, 2007)

LadyB,

How nasty is DH's ex? That's a really mean thing to say!

I'm lucky in that my DH and his ex are reasonably amicable, so haven't had any problems like that. I guess you just have to step back from her and enjoy the fact that you're the one that's happy with your DH now, not her. Hopefully, the rest of your dreams will follow!

H x


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## Nicky1 ☺ ☺ (Jul 9, 2004)

I too am a step mum! DH has a 20 year old from when he was 18 and then a 15 and 11 year old with his ex wife. 

I do get on well with them all, We have the 15 DSS living with us since he fell out with his mum in march, The 11 year old DSS comes everyother weekend and the 20 year old DSD we see when she has the time to come see us or wants money for her holidays 

We haven't had an easy time of it with the EX, She can be a nasty peice of work! We have only just started having the youngest again as when the 15 year old moved in with us she stop us seeing the little one, Err hello the reason he moved out was not our fault  Not gonna go into loads of details here but put it this way we've never been invited in for a coffee 

It is hard having one of `her` children living with us full time but then I smirk to myself and think nah he must think more of me than her to have wanted to move in in the first place    
It's just a shock to the system to go from just myself and Hubby to having a 15 year old `kevin` living here too 

Anyway, Today I bought a book called `HELP! - I'm a step-mother` I have no idea yet what it is like, I haven't started to read it but may start it tomorrow and will let you all know what it is like 

Nicky x x x


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

My DH's ex has brainwashed his children so they don't want to see them.  It has been 4 years since he has seen them and it rips him up every day, still.

Good luck

Hugs

Sue


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

This is a brilliant thread!

I've known my 'skid' (thats what I call my step kid)   for 18 months. She is almost 17 and had been meeting with my DH for almost 4 years (with DH's ex in tow) before we met. (long story - DH's ex cut contact with him when she fell pregnant and met someone else. His DD never knew she had a different father until a family row, after which she asked to meet with him - as luck would have it DH bumped into his ex and asked for contact and arrangements were made only because his DD wanted to meet him)! I don't see myself as a step parent as I have not known skid for very long, she is practically grown up now with a life of her own...

It has been years and years of angst though because DH's ex refused contact at first, then when contact was established she tried every trick in the book to cut or stop contact with his DD including not allowing me to meet his DD - DH was threatened with contact being stopped if he brought me with him or mentioned my name!   

We're at the stage now where skid only contacts us if she wants something - usually involving money. She is living with other relatives at the moment as there was a massive communication breakdown with her folks. We're supposed to be seeing her today, but we were supposed to see her yesterday as well and that didn't happen - although we seen her briefly on Friday to give her some money (!)

Its difficult for me because I think she is a bit of a user - she doesn't call my DH dad and she only ever contacts him when she wants something. I have to take a deep breath and count to a million!

I won't ever have kids, and many people who haven't been through IF/babyloss assume that I must be made up because I have a step daughter. Well it doesn't work like that for me because she isn't my daughter - I didn't know her until she was grown up, I had attitude off her to start with as her mum hates my guts and she certainly doesn't need another parent - she already has enough people in her life parenting her! Don't get me wrong - I get on well with skid, we have a good rapport and I provide for her financially too when needs must - we just haven't had the time or life experiences to enable that bond, and I think that she is too busy getting on with the rest of her life to be bothered, which is fine with me - she is a teen doing ordinary teenage things!

Totally understand where people are coming from when they say they have had massive problems with the ex - been there and done that! Argh!

Love to all out there, you're doing a great job, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes!

Emcee x


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## girlie (Jan 17, 2007)

I too am a stepmum, dh has 2 daughters 1 aged 15 who has severe cerebal palsy and needs constant care and the youngest is 8 9 next week!)

Dh and his ex are not on good terms so I make the arrangements with his ex to see the girls and have to say shes always been fine with me, she just knows which buttons to press with dh to wind him up. 
However we dont get to see the girls that often as dh's mother has them most weekends and she is a total control freak with her grandchildren.

I love my 2 stepdaughters but I do find it hard to handle sometimes as the need for my own child is so great, like some of the other girls have said I know my dh wants a child with me but I dont think he understands how I feel as he has his own biological children, although not with me, I dont have that, its very hard not even sure if im making sense in what Im trying to say!!!

I took dh's youngest shopping yeaterday for her bday presents and we had a lovely time but then she had to go back to grans and that ache was there again.

I also have a major issue with dh's ex as she made him have a vasectomy while they were together. telling him that if he did everything would be ok again, and in his naievity dh did it, and then 2 weeks later she kicked him out and said it was over, I got together with him then 2 months later, I just feel that she was making sure that he couldnt have children with anyone else even though she didnt want him.  I know dh regrets the op and feels that he has let me down because the reversal was unsuccesful.

It isnt easy and sometimes i have to stop myself emotionally pushing dh's children away from me, but I cant help I feel that I have to protect myself cos I will never be their mum, does that make sense to anyone?

xxxxxxxxxxx


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## LadyB (Oct 5, 2007)

It makes perfect sense, girlie.

I get really frustrated by two things-

Firstly, i'd like to be more emotionaly expressive with my DSS but feel as though I can't as he already has a mum and I don't want it to seem as though I'm trying to take her place. i come from a very tactile family where lots of hugs and kisses flow and i'd like to hug and kiss my DSS more, but I guess i worry that he'll run a mile if I try

He's very tactile with my DH, but that's his dad...

The other thing that frustrates me, and brings it home that i'm nowhere near being his mum, is the fact that I never get informed about what's going on in his life- school, football etc...

My DSS will tell me things if i ask,but my DH never does!


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## Pickle_99_uk (Dec 12, 2005)

Hi, 

Good idea for a thread.

My DH has 2 daughters who are only a few years younger than me.  They havent approved of DH and I since day 1.  One of them said the age gap is "disguisting".  I won't tell you my reply, but I'm not exactly subtle when someone is taking such rubbish.  We have told them about us trying to have a child but again, they think thats disguisting as well.  I've been with DH for 4 years and for the first couple I really did try with his daughters but then realised I was getting nowhere fast, and had to put my energy into other things, so I don't really see them much anymore.  When we do see each other we are civil.

In terms of IF, I dont resent them (or DHs ex).  Its important that he spends time with the girls and I encourage it.  One of the most upsetting things is that he can never truly understand how I feel about being childless.  He admits this but I do find it frustrating sometimes that he will never feel the physical hurt I do and the longing I have.

If our treatments works I understand that it will take a long time for the girls to come to terms with it and will never totally approve but we have to persue our dreams as a couple.  It does put Dh in a difficult position sometimes though, as he doesnt know how much to tell them.


T xx


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## Libeth (Jul 17, 2007)

Hi everyone  

Just come across this part of the site and its fantastic.  I have looked in the past before IF raised its ugly head for places for people with stepchildren and not found anything which I liked.  My DH is 8 years older than me and has 2DD - 6yrs and 12 yrs and a DS - 9yrs.  We got together 4 years ago and it was really hard as I was only 24 and kids were not on the horizon (esp. someone elses!) but love makes you do strange things and we all got to know each other and it was ok.  We moved in together (kids come to ours 2x a week and stay over) and it was ok.  But his ex was a nightmare and still is - has really differnet morals and values to mine (much lower!) and makes it really hard!  Plus for the first few years all was great and then the eldest DD started stealing from me - make up, money and then my diamond rings!  DH and ex didnt do anything about it and its really affected my relationship with the DD as I dont trust her and she has been really critical of me to her mum.  Very hard.  Plus, I really resent the ex as she has had a baby with her new partner (despite making my DH have a vasectomy when they were together after she had an abortion because she didnt want more kids) and now we are going through all the pain of IF.  Anyway, just a quick post and hope I havent offended anyone - DH on way up to bed and dont want him to realise I am posting abotu the family!!


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Libeth  sounds awful, not an easy or nice situation to be in.

~Dizzi~


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## LadyB (Oct 5, 2007)

Yep...those exes can be real pains can't they!

You should've heard how my DH's carried on when she heard we were getting married!...Pathetic! 

Especially as they'd been split up for 8yrs and she has 2 children with someone else!

I was very proud of my DH as it was the 1st time that he didn't allow her threats of him not seeing his DS to influence him.

I'm sure there are going to be more fireworks in store when me and my DH have our own children (see, i put when ,not if- how positive thinking is that?)

Oh, by the way- how do I put in the little faces?


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## LadyB (Oct 5, 2007)

Ok...? by some freak coincidence i managed to accidentally put a small face in my last post, but i don't know how I did it!!!!


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Lady b the code for that smiley face is 3 question marks in a row


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

I am glad I stumbled accross this thread. 

I am 26 and am a step mum to my DH's sughter from his 1st marriage. She is 7 1/2 and when we 1st got together she was only 3 1/2. Her mum left her when she was 15mths old   and dh brought her up. She sees her mum at weekends and wed evenings now, and there is no longer any bad feeling between dh and his ex. 

I find it very difficult being a step mum sometimes - I used to go to school do's but have been told by dh's ex wife that doing so is overstepping the mark! despite me being the one that does her homework with her and takes her on outings and devotes all my spare time to her ! cheek! 

The main problem I have is that little one now wants a baby brother or sister and she talks about nothing other than babies! I came home the other day from work and her mum had bought her a real pushchair for her dolly and she had brought it home to show us. Driving into the drive and seeing a pushchair took me by surprise a bit (she has dolls puschair and pram already!) but I went into the house and was confronted by real nappies for the doll, then in the lounge were real baby clothes (cheaper to buy than dolls ones) strewn all over the lounge - like a real baby was in the house. I was then asked to burp the doll and it is a llifelike one which moves etc and I felt such longing.  Everything is 'baby' this and 'baby' that. She sees a pampers advert on the telly and is transfixed on it, a baby in the supermarket sets her off for the whole day too. 

I know it is sweet and she is only young but I find myself holding back tears and going along with it so as not to let her see I'm upset. I feel bad to think about having negative feelings toward her about it all.

dh and I sat down and had a chat with her about that we want a baby but the eggs from daddy and the eggs from me won't stick together like they need to to make a baby and we are going to see a special doctor to see if they can make our eggs more sticky, but that it may be we never have a baby. she was fine with this and seems to have shut up about babies a bit more now, I think she understands a bit that I may be upset if she talks about it. I do feel bad though that I have made her feel like it a bit.

what do you think? DH thinks I am too sensitive and can't see the problem.
helen.xx


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## Libeth (Jul 17, 2007)

Hi Helen
I can really relate to your situation.  I am 28 and when I got togther with my DH, his youngest was 3 1/2 and it was so hard.  At the time we didnt want children - I knew I wanted them in the future but at the time I was struggling to get used to three children and all the problems of being a step mum whilst only being 23 and wanting to spend time alone with my DH.  His kids dont live with us but its been incredibly hard.  His eldset stole a lot of stuff from me and I didnt get the support I thought I would from him about it all.  I sometimes think he just doesnt understand how important it is for me to have our own family and have talked about it with him.  He says it does matter but I dont think it hurts the same way as he already has 3 kids.  We have not told the kids that we are trying because I dont want it getting back to thier mum (my DH had a vasectomy with her - at her request - we had it reversed) and she is really nasty.  I am (note the positive tone) going to wait until I am at least 4 months pregnant before i tell teh kids as it will then get back to her and no doubt lead to a string of nasty texts / phone calls from her.  

Helen, I know why you are feeling bad - but dont blame yoruself - try talking to your DH more and explain to him or put it on paper - or show him this webpage!  Dont feel bad for your stepdaughter - I am sure it was quickly forgotten on her part.  Sometimes, I have to remind myself what its like when I was young and that feeling of wanting everythign and wanting to be special and I am sure the baby thing with her is a phase - unfortunately not a good one for you.  I would say try and go through it with her - she will love you for it and you wil be doing it for her.  Plus getting some practice in playing with all the clothes!!  

Libeth xx


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

hi libeth
thanks for that. I'm sorry you have also had a pooey time with step kids. It is jolly hard to get used to being a mum figure but to kids that aren't yours isn't it. I love step dd to bits and would protect her with everything I have but at the end of the day she isn't mine. 

DH has said he really wants a baby and I know he does - we talked about it whe we 1st got together as I didn't want to be with someone who potentialy would never want children. He is fab with his dd and other babies and children. Bt, he has said he doesn't fully understand my 'want' as he has a dd already and it is a 'woman thing' to have this burning desire for a baby, but that he fully supports me. He says he feels really bad that he can't give me the one thing I really want, and we have talked and talked and talked - that is one thing we are god at, wehave no secrets - he is also a memner of ff (not a very active one mind you but he is around)

I know it is her little phase about these babies etc, and it is probably me being over sensitive as it is the wrong time for me to be dealing with it. It will get easier I am sure, dh understands I find it hard to cope with sometimes too, bless him, I had to cry lots to get him to understand thouh!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Well folks, the brown smelly stuff has hit the fan... after another massive fallout (this time with her aunt and uncle and one of her cousins where she was living) skid has reluctantly decided she wants to move in with us! (I say reluctantly as she is currently staying at her nans where she would prefer to live but unfortunately there is no room for her)

I'm pooing myself! 

All these years I've had to get used to the fact that I would probably never be a parent, now I have finally got my head around not being a parent I am expected to become a parent to a skid who has so many issues like you wouldn't believe...

I dunno what to do/think/feel... I'm terrified! DH and I work shifts which means she could be left in the house on her own on an evening... I have visions of the laptop being walked out of the house, loads of grumpy strange teenage boys sat on my sofa and loads of hassle off skid because she *will* attend college dammit - she has not completed a full week yet since the beginning of term 

Help! 

DH is, of course, over the moon as you can imagine and can't see the down side to living with a hormonal teen. I think she will do her best to fall out with us so she can go move back in with her nan - her nan lets her do what she wants. Her aunt and uncle are really upset that she has fallen out with them although to be honest we have heard that many different versions of the fall out our heads are spinning, hence DH's request of 'we don't want to get involved in disputes, we're only interested in skids welfare' way to go hubby!

Love
Emcee x


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Emcee I wish I had the words to offer you  being a skid myself and a well behaved one at that  
I cant even empathise honestly!
All I can think of is before she moves in have a heart to heart with hubby - Lay some basic ground rules and stick to them! and then back each other up with them, you could get Skid involved comprimising her curfue for chores for example  but you & hubby need a united front on however you decide to handle this one that much I do know, hopefully the other ladies here will have some more advice based on experience ((hug)) 
~Dizzi~


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

I have two stepdaughters and one stepson technically, but they are all older than me so I guess I can't really call them stepchildren (although when talking about them to others I do as it sounds better than saying my husbands daughter or my husbands son)

His daughters have three children of their own each. The older one is more settled but the younger daughter isn't so much and has three young children, two who call me nana (or did when we had contact with them - long story) and a baby daughter who I know will be taught to call me nana, no matter what I say! She also keeps on about wanting a baby brother or sister and never lets a moment pass to mention when is it going to happen etc etc. Just as you would expect if she was 7 not 27!!! She even suggested using one of her friends as a donor as he 'kinda looks a bit like my dh' apparently. Maybe not. 

But they all accepted me and visa versa. They were with his first wife who i see from time to time but not very often. He didn't have any children with his second wife. I don't particularly like his 1st wife but its his 2nd wife that I have a problem with (which I'm trying to get over). She was the one that made him have the vasectomy so I blame her for our infertility (which I know isn't entirely fair but its hard not to especially as she divorced him whilst he was waiting to have it done (ok he still went ahead with it but he was messed up as the divorce came out of the blue)).


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## Libeth (Jul 17, 2007)

Emcee - not surprised you must be worrying about the massive changes having your skid in your lives full time.  Think you definately need to sit down with your DH and agree some ground rules.  Then I think as your skid is a bit older you need to involve her - maker her feel wanted and try and establish a sisterly relationship with her - take her shopping and allow her the treats etc but make sure she is following your ground rules.  I suspect its going to be very hard on her as well as you.  Funny how DHs can never see the full impact of something - they look at the positive - think we women see the problems and how something is really going to impact!  I think you need to make sure you spend time regularly 'reviewing' the situation - i.e. is skid following rules, are you happy with the situation.  Certainly in my skid family when things have been going downhill its because DH and I havent talked about it and then I feel excluded and frustrated as I want the best for the skids but without losing all rules and letting them do / get what they want.  Really hope it works out for you.  Maybe skid just wants somewhere to feel that is home without being worried about being shunted round from place to place to people that maybe want her.  Suspect its quite worrying for her especially if she is of college age when they have a lot on their mind and its a difficult time.  Hope it works out for you.

COnfused - Sounds like a complicated situation - my DHs ex wife made him have a vasectomy which I blame her for esp as she then left him and went and had a baby with another man and its so frustrating.  I keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have him and that our time will come.  We got his reversed and its worked ok.  Hope your appointment at the clinic goes ok.


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