# Loss of role



## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

I am nearly at the end of my 30's.... where did that time go!? The vast majority of my friends are married with children/babies on the way. 
I am happily married. I met up with uni friends recently. We haven't all been together in q a while.
I suppose it reinforced how I've been feeling for a while. I have nothing to add to the tales of what their children are up to. I know nothing of juggling work and home life. 
Life has moved on since our uni days (of course!) but I have less and less in common with my friends. 
I am surrounded by work colleagues. There aren't enough hours in the day when I'm at work. But come the evenings and weekends I feel so lonely. 
My husband suggests doing things eg walking (which I used to love), going out for a meal, having friends over. But to be honest I can't be bothered. I just want to be left alone, and yet a feel so alone.
Not sure if any of this makes sense. I know a child isn't a cure all. But at least I would be organising birthday parties, taking my child to all those endless parties I hear my friends moaning about, and maybe starting to think about Santa.
Maybe it's the big 4-0 looming in the horizon. My friends are keen for a joint party. Yes-great idea. But who will organise that...me...cos of course I'm the one with all that spare time!
Arrrggghhhhh!!


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi sunset, I just had to reply as I know exactly how you feel. Do you have any older friends who either have grown up children or have not had children you could strike up more of a friendship with, I know it's difficult and a lonely path at times but there are people out there who can offer you more than a conversation about schools and nurserys.

I took a great line off this forum the other day with one of my work colleagues who was going on and on about how her kids were driving her mad, how expensive they are how she has no time blah blah so I said oh do you wish you hadn't had them then? Must say it did shut her up for a bit.


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi,

I am the same age as you and I feel the same as you. I could have written your post myself. I'm alright some weeks but other weeks, I feel completely lonely and lost. Like I don't fit in anywhere? I don't have friends without kids, and I hate seeing them at the moment. Infertility has sucking the living daylights out of me, I'm not the same person. To make things worse, I work from home. It's a very, very lonely existence. 

After a row with DH yesterday, he told me I had to reach out to people as I was making myself worse, by being on this forum and wallowing in misery. He said I had to return to some of my friends, re-initiate ******** and go out more. I know he is right. I was pretty horrible to him, told him I saw no point in existing if I don't have a family (it's what I have always wanted). It really hurt him. It's unfortunate, but there are days when I feel like that.

Anyway, I guess that is all we can do is get out there and 'suck it up.' The only other choice is not actually living a life, just being a shell. I am actually considering attending a WI meeting tomorrow, and maybe joining some other social type clubs.  I am hoping to meet some women who never wanted children or who are single. I am trying to think about only 1 day at a time. 

Let me know if you come up with any survival ideas.

xx


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Sunset...

I could have written your post.
I turn 40 in December and having just had our 2nd failed IVF cycle. I finding it harder than ever to socialise and see people.
There have already been several 40th celebrations this year but I have avoided the recent ones after at the last one I went to they spent an hour comparing labour stories.... Not only was it something I had nothing to contribute to, but it was also a reminder I may never experience it. And what can you do when you are sat there? You can't say anything as you are seen as "jealous" and not happy for others....
Which are true and untrue at the same time. Yes I'm jealous they have everything I want... But I am happy for them. I'm just sad for me.

I miss out on so many of the social events as they organise get togethers to have play dates... I do sometimes get invited as an afterthought but it's almost done apologetically.
I guess they can't win either though as they don't know what to do for the best.

They are all asking what I'm doing to celebrate my birthday and it's hard explaining that I'm not doing anything. I really and genuinely feel that being 40 is nothing to celebrate. Me and my oh are planning to go on holiday instead and spend some time together.

It's rubbish though... I agree - I'm not the person I used to be. I go to social occasions forward planning my exit strategy so that if things get tough I can get away.... Then I feel bad as that makes it seems my friends are bad people - and they aren't. They just have no way of understanding what my life is really like.

Thank goodness for this forum for the times when I can't just "suck it up"

Take care 

L xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Sadly, I could have written your post too 

I also work from home and I have found that I avoid everyone, I am lonely to the core and yet I cannot face seeing anyone and avoid it at all costs.

I've never had very many friends, I lost pretty much all of them when I was with my ex, he wouldn't let me have friends and completely isolated me. I can barely believe that I let that happen now but there you go, fear was a big factor back then. My best friend endured, it took more than him to scare her off, but I lost her through infertility. She lives to be a mum to her boys and just couldn't be supportive and we grew apart, she just hurt me too much to be around.

I'm nearly 41 and am living like a hermit, my birthday is coming up and it seems like such a ridiculous question when people ask me what I want to do to celebrate. What is there to celebrate, I am nearly 41, still don't have a family and every year the possibility is less. People don't like to hear that though, they think that you're just being negative and depressing.

I do feel like I'm living a half life. I worry about looking back and thinking such a wasted life but I just can't see a way out of it, for me there is only one solution / answer. It's all I want and I can never escape from how wonderful it is because I see it every time my husband is with his children. Perhaps this is all there is for me? I will never accept that but there is nothing that I can do about it.

I know that having a child wouldn't be a cure all too. I have sooooo much time on my hands though and nothing to do with it, I know that I have lots that I _could _find to do but it will never replace the caring for someone, taking them for walks, teaching them something new or just having a reason to get up every day. I want to have no time in the day for myself and complain about running my children around.

Sorry for the pity party, I wish that I had something really positive to say about it all. Post ovulation blues, 2 weeks of planning and preparation, a few frantic days of trying and then the 2WW where you're just that little bit hopeful but know the outcome already. It's just so tiring living like this. It's not a life


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi Girls
Thanks for your support. To be honest it felt q good to have a bit of a rant... let off some steam!
Alotbsl - that's a good line to remember for the future - can think of a few times when it would have been good thing to say!
Deedee_spark - did you make it to WI meeting?
Molly99 - how are you doing?
Sorry to say I haven't came up with any survival ideas. Had thought of looking into voluntary work...I really need to get on and do something about it! 

Thanks for your support.
xx


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

No, afraid not. AF turned up and sent me into a spin. 

We have decided to do a bucket  list. All the things I want to do before I am 40 that doesn't include children or much money. Trying to look at achievements. It's hard though, as I am feeling a bit flat.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

What a fab idea Deedee x

Thinking of you all  

I'm really depressed


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Try watching this. It will make you feel better for at least 7 minutes.

http://www.timeo-performance.com/#video

You should be hearing music and seeing various film clips. If that doesn't work try the youtube link below. There is no sound with the youtube version (copy right issue), but once you are on the youtube page showing the video, click on the bit that says, 'Watch this with sound.'






It managed to cheer me up for a few minutes. I might even be motivated to package up my test stuff to send to Serum in Greece.
xx

/links


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

A Bucket List... now that sounds like a fab idea!
Anyone had any thoughts!?


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi ladies

Molly are you feeling any better?

Hmm bucket list which doesn't involve money, I will start us off with a physical goal like being able to run a certain distance.

What else?


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I rise to your challenge!  I used to run a lot and it gave me so much but I stopped completely when I started TTC for some reason.

I'm feeling so happy    I know, so parallel from where I was last week that it's a bit worrying.  I have a purpose in life again though, something to get up for....we rescued a little pup.  The hole is still there but it's not raw, I have something that needs me  

So my bucket list is to find something that fulfills you, that distracts you long enough to remember who you are again (even if just for a little while xxx


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

So I am up for the running challenge. It used to keep me sane - gave up because I thought it was bad for TTC. I think I will run 2k tomorrow on the treadmill. I know it's not much, and most of that will be walking, but it's a start.

Had a lovely lunch with friends today so I am feeling a bit happier.    

Molly - So glad you are feeling happy again. It's great you have something to nurture like a adorable puppy.

My husband has decided to grow a beard for November (that man charity thing). He has always shaved, never had facial hair. I told him as part of our bucket list, he was to grow the wackiest facial hair pattern he could - just so we can laugh about it. 

Adding to my bucket list - I am going to finish my book. If no one likes it and it stays unpublished, I don't care, because I wrote a book and it is on my bucket list.

I am going to read Great Expectations. Always wanted to but never got round to it... It's on my bucket list.

Also, before my fertility appointment on Thursday, I am going to see the Turner paintings in the Tate gallery. Guess I have to pay for this. It wasn't on my bucket list, but after having lunch with friends it is now.  

I am going to make some more friends. People I like rather than people I think I should be friends with. I suspect I will find a few in the consulting room of the fertility clinic.    Seem to get on well with a number of fertility challenged women (infertile is such a horrid term). 

I want to do some charitable type stuff... Give something back. Would love to help animals or disadvantaged children once a week. Maybe I'll look.


What are the rest of you adding? I feel like live has been on hold forever.

xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

I like the bucket list idea too!

What has really been helping me is focusing on other things...I had stopped exercising as much/properly, as the Chinese Medicine practitioner I was seeing a while ago said to take it easy, do gentle exercise...of course I took this as an excuse to slow right down and do very, very little! I have started exercising again, aiming to get fit and tone up and it's great, seeing the results is keeping me going! Before I would worry about what I was doing, but to be honest nothing has helped me conceive in three years so what the hell, I'm doing what I want! And it doesn't involve money as I just do it at home!


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

OK... bucket list ideas:
1. To spend more time with my Mum - window shopping is free! Sure we could fit in a few coffees too!!
2. To spend more time with my Dad - time flies and he's not so into shopping. Even dropping in more often...finding out what's going on in his world!
3. Used to love walking with my husband... we've got out of the way of it!!

I find this time of the year q difficult. Just reminds me that we're a family of 2!

xx


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi
I feel like screaming!!!! I also feel like I officially hate this time of year. I wish I could curl up at the end of Nov and wake up again mid-January! I know that sounds really bad - the benefit of the internet - I'd never feel able to say that out-loud.

I'm another year older, and I feel like I never seem to get it right. I just feel so...... aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!

I know Christmas isn't the same when there's no children... I don't need to be told that! I don't need to hear all about what is wrong with something in minute detail, but when something right 'there's nothing wrong with it', or 'it's ok'.

I have got myself roped into making Christmas dinner...when all I really want to do is close the door and tell everyone to go away!!!!!


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## andade (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi guys. Can I  add some comments please? 
I turned 40 earlier this year and even up to a year before my birthday,  friends and family were asking what I was doing for the big 4-0.

I kept saying nothing, as like some of you I thought that I  had nothing to celebrate for this big milestone.  I am  not married  (in a relationship), no children and haven't really had the achievements that society measures us by. I had also become distanced from my school friends who all have children. A few years ago, there were two of us without children  but the last one in my group had a child around 4 years ago. So, I  kind of withdrew from this friendship group and they kind of withdrew from me but I  would see photos on social media that they had met up for social gatherings involving the children.  I also started to not want to be around my friends who had children or go to family functions or want to organise any as I had this conflict between liking children and being the 'favourite Aunty' and  wanting to embrace the fact that I  didn't have children and do 'adult' things.  I think this was as a result of feeling resentment at being expected to want to do things for and with the children  due to having none of my own  and no understanding of why I  may not actually want to be around children. To be fair, only my parents and siblings know why I  do jot have children and everyone else assumes it's my choice, probably due to the mask that I  wear. 

As time drew closer, I found out I did want to do something to celebrate my birthday as  I do truly believe I have a lot to be grateful for and I have achieved in spite of not having children yet. I knew I  wanted a great big cake and I ordered a customised one and invited just my familying (parents, siblings and their families) and my small group of school friends and a couple of work colleagues.
I wrote a bucket list which I  am still working on (some really simple) and everyone had a quiz to see how well they knew me and I found  a website which had lots of games/quizzes linked to 40.

I had a good time and I paid tribute to all the people in my life who love me and are there and will always be there for me. I did have some down time, was very moody and it wasn't  all fun and games but towards the evening I did feel better.

I try to do things that I  know I wouldn't  be able to if I  had children.  Luckily enough, I have a friend who doesn't  have children and doesn't want any so we can do quite a few things together.  I also joined a women's group, there are many on Meet Up. You would be surprised how busy you can get and the experiences you have.
We will always have these longings but we also need to love ourselves and try to find rays of sunshine.

I am taking up yoga, as I want to do something that will benefit me physically  and mentally. Think it will be useful for my ttc journey as well. I'm going away for Christmas. I was adamant that I  wasn't cooking this year! Two ticks on my bucket list. 
 and strength to all at this time of year, x


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