# Don't know how to carry on



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Our world has fallen apart again and I can't believe that I am feeling this loss and pain all over again.  . Our first ivf cycle resulted in an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage.  This devastated us beyond words  . The fact we had got pregnant felt like such a miracle so to have one of our babies taken away just because it was in the wrong place has left me with a sadness that will never truly go away.  We eventually mustered up the courage to try again.  Our second cycle was nearly cancelled because I didn't respond to the drugs and only produced one follicle.  Our clinic finally let us continue and we beat all the odds as I did have one egg in there which fertilised and a good eight cell embryo was put back a couple of weeks ago.  Myself and my dh were so overjoyed and really felt that this was going to be our time and that because we had defied all odds, we must have had a little miracle onboard!  Devastatingly our test was negative.    My heart has been torn into a million pieces all over again and I really don't know how I can continue.  

The problem lies with me in that I have low AMH.  I have worried for years and years that my clock was ticking but only met my dh a few years ago so didn't ever have the chance to have a baby before now.  I am filled with utter fear that my hopes and dreams might not come true.  Our clinic said the other week that they wouldn't be offering us any more chances which has devastated us.  I really can't cope at the moment and knowing that our original due date is coming up and I'm no closer to having a baby is destroying me.

During these last few emotional weeks my sister announced that she is 'accidentally' 13 weeks pregnant.  I hate myself because I should be over joyed for her, but I'm not.  What kind of a sister am I?!  I know how devastated my parents are for us but I know how thrilled they'll be at becoming grandparents and this is killing me.  I know my sister won't understand what torment we are going through as she thought the right time to tell us this was the day we found out they wanted to cancel our treatment and wouldn't be offering us any more.  She also thinks so differently to me and doesn't get why it's so hard to carry on sometimes and why I find it difficult now since the loss to be around pregnant friends.  I really don't want to upset her and my family mean the world to me but I feel this will tear us apart and I don't know how to get through it.  I wish I didn't feel like this as I have spent the last ten years being so excited for every pregnant friend (of which there are nearly 30 children throughout my friendship groups) but I just feel such heartache now that I can't muster any excitement.  My sister in law is also pregnant along with several friends, one of which is due the week we should have been.  I've gone from having so many friends in my life to now finding that I stay clear of most of them which makes me so sad.  I know I'm not an awful person but this is such torture.  I hate who I've become because I can't bear to see pregnant people or newborns, it just breaks my heart. I don't like his feeling of jealousy at all but  I just want to hold my own baby in my arms.

I have been seeing a counsellor since our loss, who is lovely but I feel that the only thing that can help me or make things better is having our own biological child.  I know I can't go on if this doesn't happen for us.  This is all I have ever wanted, like so many of you on here and it's so crushing when everywhere you turn are babies.  Even tv or adverts is all about it and it's making me go mad inside.  How do you have the strength to keep fighting and keep believing that it will happen?  

It just seems to have been one upsetting thing after the other for the last ten years or so but this is tipping me right over the edge.  I feel for my dh as he copes with all of this and me but doesn't have anyone to look after him because I find it all so hard to cope with and his family are unemotional.  I'm sorry for the 'woe is me' post, as I know everyone on here is going through their own torturous journey! I just feel so lost in this infertility nightmare and would really appreciate any words of wisdom or stories of hope to keep me going, thank you Emma xxx


----------



## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

ELW7, i dont know if i have any words of wisdom cause kind of feel  the same as you at the moment after my recent bfn, but didnt want to read and run.  i don't know if anyone has the answer to how you cope with this and i too find it absolutely crushing to see pregnant women and newborns, and nobody understands how you feel unless they have been through fertility treatment - thats why this site is so good, to be able to rant and tell everyone how you feel and people understand and dont tell you to 'just relax'!  that irritates me so much!
I have read a few quotes which i keep reading when i'm having a wobble.  I dont know if they will help but they might give you something to think about:
it will be ok in the end.  if its not ok, its not the end.
Never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about.
If you cant find hope, look in a new direction
and finally... our greatest glory is not in failure, but rising up everytime we fail.
I'm sending you lots of bubbles and   and hope someone can give you the words you need to hear to help you
Take Care xx


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Notgivingup, thank you for your message and kind words.  I'm so sorry you have also had a negative result     It's heartbreaking after going through this so I hope you too have people there to help you through the dark days.  I seemed to have shut myself off from everyone as I just can't face the world yet.  You're right though, unless people have been through this torture they really don't understand.  Thank you for the quotes... They definitely have helped a little and are so very true so I will keep reading them in the hope I get some positivity back soon.  After reading my post back it does sound like I have lost the plot a little!!  I hope you are doing slightly better and thanks once again for your message.  I wish you lots of love and luck with your next step and here's hoping our dreams soon come true    love Emma xxx


----------



## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Emma, I know exactly how you feel, we have had 3 fresh cycles and 1 FET which resulted in a BFP first cycle with early miscarriage and 3 BFNs.  My close friend got pregnant same time as me and her daughter is a constant reminder to me that I should have my baby at the the exact same stage  

Another good friend from work is about to give birth to her 3rd under 3 and the second 2 were accidents, life is so unfair and I like you find it so hard to continue to be happy for others when it is all we have wanted for 7 years now.

After months of torment and going round in circles we have finally decided that we cannot go through anymore heartache and have decided to go down the adoption route.  I am absolutely devastated that I will never experience pregnancy and that we will never have our own biological child but I had to do something positive as all of this was killing us, would you consider donor eggs? Or adoption? I know it's not the same but you will both get you dream of a family?

Massive     xx


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Crazyroychick, I am so sorry for your loss and for your negative cycles.  So totally heartbreaking for you   . Life is extremely unfair and so very cruel!  I'm sorry you have been on this torturous journey for so long and I can understand how devastated you are at not being able to have your own children.  But you have made such a positive decision to go ahead with adoption and I am sure this will be a wonderful step for you both to having that family you have dreamed about for so long.  I wish you so much love and luck and hope happiness will soon return to you very soon.  A child will be very lucky to have parents who will give it so much love.  Being honest I still can't think of other options yet.  Maybe I should but I can't accept that we won't have our own.  I just can't get my head around having someone else's eggs or child.  However I know where you're coming from about finally making a decision as this torture is killing us too.  Anyway, thank you so much for your reply and I wish you lots of love and luck on your next step to your happily ever after  love Emma xxx


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry to read all your sad posts but your all feelings like me so I hope you don't mind me jumping on. 

I had my 4th BFN after my 5th tx cycle and I'm at a total loss now. I feel like someone stabbed a knife in my heart and no matter where I turn everyone else is lucky and got BFP so why not me. 

I've got some frozen eggs left and two frosties which I may aswell use but then after that its game over call it a day and look into adoption (although I never thought in all my life I would be faced with this) 

Just wanted you all to know your not alone... I feel your every hurtful tear xxx


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hbkmorris, I'm so sorry you are also feeling like this and for your recent devastating result!   Life is so so cruel and this journey is utter torture unless of course we are lucky to get the happy news we have all longed for.  When it doesn't happen, you're right, it's like you're heart has been ripped out.  Thank you for replying.  I hope you are successful with your little frosties.  I know the only thing to take my pain away will be having our baby in my arms.  I really do hope we all get our little miracle one day.  Lots of love xxx


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks ELW.. Your signature make me want to post my message as I feel for all of us. Ive never felt so heartbroken as I have of late and it's a nightmare which seems to just go round & round my mind. 

I'm planning on using my frosties with the mix of my frozen eggs (if they thaw and fert) then I fear it'll be game over.. It's going to cost me another £2,500 so once I've found that I can proceed.. Easier said than done!! M

What are you planning on doing next? Crumbs it's so darn tuff xx


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hbkmorris, it is truly awful when every second of every day is taken up with these thoughts.  I can't think of anything else and it's eating me up! Crikey, it's so expensive which also isn't fair! This should happen to families who don't care about their children and it would stop them having more and more!  I hope you can find the money from somewhere so that you can get started soon.  We are hoping we can have a third try   although the thought terrifies me!! Xxx


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

ELW7.. I feel the same and its bloomin unfair that women can have them willy nilly only for them to either end up deprived or left for someone else to look after them.. I want to know how come deprived country's don't have this problem.. Women galore having kids only needing our aid.. My thoughts are give them fertilisation then they wouldn't need out aid and we'd have more money to look after our own nhs and have money to help those ladies infertile!! Arrrrgh gets me SO angry!! 

I'm going for a glass of vino to chill otherwise its going to be a long night xx


----------



## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this but with time it will get better.     
I stopped a long time ago about worrying about those who were announcing their pregnancies and being smug because these babies are now 4 or 5 and a complete nightmare!!
Being a teacher I am surrounded by children all the time and I feel sorry for 99% of them given that they havent had the right parenting etc.. and most nights I leave my school actually blessed I dont have children  

Please focus on what you have - and I know how hard it is when the thing that you want is the one thing you cant have! 

we are all here for you on FF

XXXX


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Thanks Rome, good luck! Xx


----------



## hopefullass (Mar 16, 2011)

We are on a very painful journey, never thought I be 4 cycless down  the line and still have no answers .
Hours are spent with my mind going around in circles, from feeling like a failure to grasping what to do next.


----------



## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

So sorry Hopefullass,  It is so unfair this journey! I feel the same way.  I hope we do get our babies one day xxx


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Sorry to read your signature hopefullass.. It's a cruel world we live in.. I know your at the same clinic as me what have they said about moving forward? Xx


----------



## hopefullass (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi hbkmorris I'm also sorry to hear about you. I think we were cycling a week apart, prob seen each other in the waiting room 
I have not called the clinic to tell them yet, still trying to decide what to do next.
Really don't think I'm goin to do another cycle, pretty much get same results each time, more answered questions. X


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

It's so horrible isn't it, like you I keep getting the negatives even when they say its all fantastic so I'm scratching my head thinking its never going to work for me when it's worked for everyone else!! 

My heart goes out to you and after this next FET that's it game over & I'm looking into fostering xx


----------



## hopefullass (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm also going use my one and only frostie....scary as it all hangs on this.
After that going to think about adopting.
Will you stay at MFS, I will go back to Priory as frostie there. X


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Sounds like we're both in the same boat big time!! Yeah my frostie & frozen eggs are now with them so I shall remain with them.. I wish I'd moved to them sooner as I can't fault what they've done for me and I know if I'd tried sooner with them is of been pregs by now but hay no money left so I've got to call it a day.. Shame money stops everything isn't it?! For me they've said it's not my eggs or embies as all seems perfect but my body just rejects them.. That's with all the immunes meds (you took them this time didn't you?) 

How many frosties do you have at the priory? You've gotta give them a go. Lets hope good things come to us in the form of adoption or fostering if not with our FET's.. I'm nervous as MFS want me to try natural FET.. Hope everything works down under ok if I do go down that road. I'm thinking I might be ready April/May so we'll just see xxx


----------



## hopefullass (Mar 16, 2011)

Yeah also had all the immune drugs. 
Only only frostie, scared it might not make the thaw.  

My response is so poor due to high FSH...then so many fail to fertilise and thay don't know why. 
Hubby had  all tests done on swimmers and karotype testing which are all normal. 
I'm goin to give myself month off, before we start again. 

Don't you feel that our life is on pause while all this goes on, realised I did nothing last year but tests and IVF. 
I want to start living, instead of planning treatments....getting at the end of the road.


----------



## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Yep the IVF life!! It's crazy how it controls your every emotion and as you say puts your life on hold.. Thing is it'll be the same waiting for adoption/fostering so I don't think my life will begin until I know about that.. Some ladies just don't know how lucky they are. 

I've only got two so don't stress I know exactly how you feel. It's crazy as you always did ok before.. Have you been told anything different by MFS that you didn't already know from priory? I guess having the tests done and knowing all is ok (like mine was) is even more head going as it just doesn't make sense.. I could scream with it all. 

I'm giving myself a big break as them darn steroids have really made me eat so I've out sine right weight on which I need to try and lose a bit before I start again xx


----------

