# In confidence - I have a moral dilema - advice please



## Groovy_Tuesday (Nov 16, 2009)

I know this is going to sound completely crazy but I have been "offered" a baby, a friend of a friend is 31weeks pregnant and is not in a position to keep her baby, she already has 2 children (who have a very unpleasant father) and is a single mum and just wants to give the baby away so it can have a good life - although she doesnt want to tell anyone - which makes it a little worse, apart from the fact that this may sound a little ridiculous, do i even try to get legal advice on this one - if we went down the surrogacy legal route - could it work or am i just grasping at straws?

I hope you dont think badly of me for even considering it.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer xx


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## LouGhevaert (May 18, 2009)

Hi

Due to strict children laws in the UK (designed to stop child trafficking) your friend cannot simply hand her baby over to you.  Your friend would have to go through the proper legal procedures if she is unable to care for her baby herself and contact social services...  Nor does it class as surrogacy (that requires an agreement before conception and you or your partner must be biologically connected to the baby).

All the best
LouGhevaert


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Groovy Tuesday


Its a difficult one.  I would want to know how she has got to 31 weeks and only just decided that she can not keep the baby?  


If she is serious and so are you then as LouGhevaert said the prober legal procedures need to be in place as well as contacting ss.  Tbh if she is not serious about this i guess you will find out soon enough.  But i certainly would not enter into anything unless its official.  You dont want to find yourself in a situation that in 6 months her personal situation has changes and she wants the baby back!  Also more importantly its not fair on the  baby.  


Good luck let us know how it goes.


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

that maybe true in a legal term, but 100's of children and babies are looked after by friends and relatives whilst the mum cannot or will not look after their child/children. They dont do it in any legal way, they 'just do it'. It is completely possible to look after the baby for the mum, but she would have to be around to do all the official stuff, it is possible to assign things like the child benefit etc to be paid into your bank account, the only downside is, that without a parental order, she could just march in and take the baby back and you would have no legal protection. Its a chance, but maybe worth considering if she was going to give baby up anyway.
Its not illegal to look after someone's baby for them. But you have to accept you would just be 'looking after' rather than adopting or anything else in a legal sense. many kids are brought up by grandparents or distant relatives who have no legal rights to do so. 
You need to chat to the mum and see what you could come up with
Lily x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Lily- If you look after a child for someone else and they reside with someone ( aunties, grandparents) for more than 28 days they should legally be known to social services as it is classed as a private fostering arrangement. Working with children in A&E's we check on this as some high profile tragic child protection cases in the past were at the hands of 'aunts' etc. I would check it out legally and with SS if you are hoping to take on this relinquished baby. Good luck


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Steer well clear would be my advice. At 31 weeks pregnant by some loser who knows what planet she's on?


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## IfOnlyYouKnew (Jan 25, 2011)

I don't know you but I don't think you should feel at all bad about considering this option.  And I don't think that your friend is crazy / bad etc.  In fact, I think she's brave to have thought this through and to know she doesn't want the baby.  That's so much better than keeping the baby and failing to give it the love and support it needs.  I do think you would need to have it all legally tied up so you become fully the mother of the child.  But if you can do that then why not?  Alice


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

If I was going to do it, I would check with the mum what she really wanted, make it a very frank discussion, then look after the baby, and a few weeks into it would contact social services and tell them, and do what they wanted, to make it above board.  Its always going to be a shaky thing to do, as there's no biological connection, and the mum just maybe depressed and scared and may think differently if her home circumstances change. So if you set out thinking its only going to be a short term thing, if it turns out to be longer thats a bonus. I would do it but still pursue your dream of having your own baby.
phew what a dilemma

Lily x


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I don't think anyone is bad within this situation, but I would pay attention to whats been said about the social services position; I also work within a childrens department and am aware of the need to notify social services. 

If I'm honest it also feels like a load of heartbreak could be in store for you too. Your friend seems to have a few problems and its not easy to have a child when you are a reluctant single parent. She is still capable of changing her mind and people in that situation frequently do when it comes to crunch time. 

best wishes

roze


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