# Some advice please - comments from a friends BC



## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi all

I'm after some advice please on how to deal with a situation which has recently arisen.  A close friends 6 year old BC, my goddaughter, has made some comments recently, firstly she asked me where my LO "real mummy" was, when I said I was his mummy, she said "no you're not", this went round  a couple of times until her mum came in, I spoke to her mum at the time and she didn't understand where that had come from, and said that they didn't use those words. We didn't push the conversation further as our LO wasn't in the room when she said it.

Then this weekend, whilst sitting next to our LO, another friend came in the room and she said "are you his mummy", I said no I'm his mummy, she was then distracted and didn't say anymore.  I spoke to her mum again, and she said she'd heard it and had asked her on the way home why she had said that, she said she didn't know.

We had got her one of the books about adoption, I think it was the squirrel one, can't remember the name as its been 18 months, although her mum says that she can't remember getting it, I know she did as at the time she said how much she'd enjoyed reading it!

My friend has said that my goddaughter lacks tact and doesn't know what else to say to her, as she had been asking where my LO real mummy was and would he go home to her when she was better!?  I think my friend has said that she wasn't well and that's why he came to live with us, I've asked to to tell the truth, in age appropriate language, but she feels the more she knows the more she'll have to say about it.  I know she's just trying to figure it all out, in a 6 year olds way.

I'm now really nervous about them being in the same room, as I'd don't want my LO to think I'm not his mum or other children to hear and start asking questions.  We've been open and talk about his adoption, well, as much as you can with a 3 year old, we look at his life story book.

Has anyone else had this happen and what did you do?

X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Not the same but my BS son is 6. I tried the whole soft approach about birth mother not being well enough to look after kids - when the next sibling came from same birth mother my son ended up in tears feeling so bad for birth mother - that's when I decided he needed something closer to the truth so I explained to him that some mothers just don't chose their children first and don't look after them because they haven't learnt to put them first. We discussed how it wasn't fair on a child to live with a mother who couldn't do their job as a mother properly.

Personally I think kids need more of the truth otherwise the questions will continue.

On the 'real' thing - I have discussed with son that I am the real mother but when he refers to birth mother his still say xxx's real mummy. I just have to patiently correct him that I am AS's real mum and he is referring to birth mother.

I think 6 is quite a curious age for lots of children and if they don't have their questions answered to their satisfaction they will keep thinking about it and asking.


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks Tictoc, I do think my friend has tried to soften it up, as we've never said BM was a not well, so she must have, which I get in some ways, I'm completely up for the truth, and have said to my friend that she will keep asking if it doesn't make sense to her, I wonder that my friend doesn't know quite what to say.  Maybe I'll offer to talk to her again.
Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

This has a sense of jealousy to it in my view.  Does your godchild feel jealous that focus that was on them is now shared with lo and saying things to cause a reaction in response to their feelings?  Might be worth going down the do you feel left out / like i care about you less because I'm a mummy now, that must be hard. I still care about you a great deal but I'm x's mummy now whatever your feelings and that's something we all need to adjust to. 

Also reality in explaining is really important. I'd say couldn't care and keep them safe and happy so they found a mummy that coukd me. Isn't it wonderful all families are different but equal. Good luck.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We told my friends' children that a mum's job is look after her children, to keep them safe, love them and make sure they grow up knowing what's right and wrong. Sometimes the person who grows the baby in their tummy, the birth-mother, can't do those things because they make bad choices that mean they're not safe. The social workers do all they can to help them but if it doesn't work then they decide the best thing for the children is to find them a new forever mum/dad who can keep them safe and do all the other things.

This ties in pretty well with the whole 'good choices/ bad choices' thing that most school go on about these days.


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