# The stupid things people say



## LuuLuu

Thought I'd make this a light hearted post even though someone has just made me cross    

I find that when you are having tx, people say the most stupid things about IVF.  To the point that I've decided we are going to tell NOONE about future txs except FF as they all have an opinion they wish to share which will most likely infuriate you.

MIL's seem to be the worst.  Mine has rung DP earlier on to say what I really need is to either (A) Go on holiday or (B) Have a few drinks and we will miraculously fall pg!!!

Bear in mind, drinking was the first thing we were told to cut down on when we went to fertility clinic.  And also, we'd pretty much tried the 'get drunk and have sex a lot' thing for 18 months with no luck!!!

And then to top that off, you can guarantee, every time we see our Consultant, he refers to the notes of our first consultation and tells us both to drink less.  Every time I tell him I've been teetotal for nearly a year and DP only drinks 4 units a week.  Every time he forgets to update our notes.

I'm sure other people have some equally infuriating stories!!!


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## JuliaG

We are sick and tired of people saying:

'just relax and it will happen'   

or those that give an example of those that tried for years and when they stopped it just happened   

'you are still so young don't worry about it'    

'isn't it like riding a horse, when you fall off you have to just get back on it again'

'moving house is the most stressful thing you can do'    er i don't thing so try going through IVF


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## LuuLuu

Too right Julia.  Another of my MIL's faves is how many people she knows who have had IVF and now have had natural BFPs.  I think that's fab but it doesn't help!!!


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## Minni

The one that really gets me is 'well, it often takes a few goes to work.' 

Erm - do they think we want to go through this emotional drama forever, not to mention do they think we have a never ending supply of cash!  

But as always we will smile on through gritted teeth  

Minni x


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## LuuLuu

Totally agree Minni - nobody realises that it breaks your heart in two every time and you get a bit weaker, yet you can't stop.  People see it like you've just popped to the dentist rather than been through one of the most difficult experiences of your life!!!


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## Geebee

Hey Girls! 

couldnt agree maore especially with the ones Julia listed. I justed wanna give the smug bu**ers a good slap!!! 

LuuLuu - I have sworn down for the next cycle I am telling no one other than my boss at work (coz I have to and she already knows about it all anyway) and me mam. I think a few people may twig though we when cancel 2 weddings we are due to go to around EC etc. In my experience you tell friends and even the ones who dont say daft things, just dont know what to say or really understand and it just makes everyone feel awkward and you sense they pity you!
MY MIL does not know but by god if anyone would be to make a daft comment it would be her! I hope she never has to find out. I was once present at a group discussion where people were talking about IVF saying these things should be left alone etc etc, I wonder whether they thing people with diseases should be left alone as well if they are so against medical intervention, they wouldnt say that is the shoe was on the other foot.

thanks for opportunity to vent  


xxxx


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## LuuLuu

Geebee - I'm so with you - don't start me on the 'don't mess with nature' brigade!!!


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## IGWIN79

OH i could swing for many someone for the comments ive had 

dont think about it to much and then it will happen   

you stress to much about it  , you shouldnt stress 

why yous having tx?? you should just keep trying and it will happen , if its ment to happen it will   

and the doctors at the said at the start have s.. every 48 hours  omg  talk about runing your s.. life lol 

and yous are all right this has to the be the hardest thing i have ever had to go trough people  dont have a clue how much stress, we have to go through


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## Bibi

There are some classics arent there! I bet we've all heard most of them  

Mine isnt so much what someone said but how they just didnt have a clue in a couple of situations. A friend (who I love dearly actually  ) invited me to a meal out with some of her friends. Seemed a nice idea until we all sat down and I discovered that it was her NCT group. Another time was when I'd just been to consultant appt and popped into see her and another friend (with 5 kids between them) on the way back. They were asking me all about it and I felt quite relaxed sat in the garden. Then she announced that we would all go to the park with the kiddies and couldnt understand why I didnt really want to go and ASDA seemed a far more appealing option  

Bibi xx


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## Dee.Dee.32

Geebee - I'm with you - I do feel bad because all my family know our situation and have been very supportive but we just haven't felt able to share with MIL.

Me and DH just feel that she would handle it so insensitively if you she knew, or say something so offensive (although not entirely on purpose) or worse still treat the twins differently to her other grandkids that's its just best all round in order to keep the peace that she just doesn't know. 

We've been trying since my ectopic and she occasionally asked how we were getting on only to say the line each time "oh well - if its supposed to be its supposed to be" - this annoyed the crap out of my - what does it mean?  If I had cancer would I just accept it was supposed to be or is she saying if I was meant to be a mommy I would and if  not I'm not supposed to be??

I don't think she would understand the IVF process at all and I truly believe that she would think it was some sort of mad scientist at work and that the twins were conjured up in some test tube with nothing to do with either of us. 

Its a shame but I think we've made the right decision.

DeeDee x


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## kirsty33

Oh I love this thread!!

People say some really stupid and hurtful things dont they? Sometimes I wonder if they mean to be nasty or if they are just thick!

Over the years I have heard:

1) Open your legs more   
2) Stop trying to hard  
3) Why do you want kids they just tie you down and cost a fortune (from my own mother!!)    Thanks Mam! Pleased my sis and I mean so much to you!!
4) From a 'friend' while I was going through last IVF cycle - 'It wont work this time as you only put one embryo back and my pyschic says your going to have twins'     Nice!!!

Honestly people sometimes!!

Love Kirsty xx


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## ochayethenoo

I have been reading this and it has made me laugh, mostly because I recognise the frustrations and have had some similar ones!!

DH and I haven't really confided in anyone about our fertility problems, hence no-one knows about our IVF treatments, so if folk make comments they're not intentional, however, we've had the full range of questioning about "when are you two going to start a family" at every family gathering, and the worst one was recently at a family party when I was at the bar buying a round of drinks and turned to ask my dad what he wanted, when my uncle then pointed at my cousin's baby and said "he wants one of those"... Delightful!

DH did have to tell his mother recently that we'd been TTC for ages when he was on a long car journey with her and she came straight out and asked him were we not going to have any children!! She then trotted out the old chestnut about all the folk she knew who've managed to get pg when they stopped trying  

Also, folk at work (where there always seems to be at least 3 of my colleagues pregnant at any one time) having conversations about how they don't understand 'these women' who don't have children because of their careers, while glancing at me...or am I just being paranoid?    

Oh, and finally my neighbour (who is the biggest gossip) whenever I meet her in the street seems to want to reel of a list of all the recent and impending births and then look at me expectantly. She also has done the "you'll have to get going to keep up" line.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!


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## Kate C

Oh girls after reading this post I couldnt not reply......I'm sure every single person that has ever been through IVF could have a few stories to tell. We have all heard the 'stop thinking about it and it will happen' and the 'it always happens when you least expect it', well 3 1/2 years down the line I'm guessing they were all wrong!! 

A friend recently amazed me, (ok bearing in mind she has no idea we are going through IVF), but she has a daughter of 3 yrs and decided she wanted baby number 2, so at a party recently she told me they have been trying for 4 months and 'no one could ever understand how that feels' as she got pg with her first after 2 months........I had to politely walk away at that point......

I also got told by another friend, when discussing funding our treatment so soon after the first, that its only money and if we were that desperate we'd find it....!!!!! Does she not think we are that desperate but actually money is a huge part of it and its not that easy to find!!!!

I'm sure there has been plenty other comments that I have let go over my head....and remember girls, we should all be very proud of ourselves cause these people have NO idea what we have been through and not everyone could do it. 

Oh just remember the best one......had I tried the 'upside down cycling' after sex.....must remember to try that one next month.....!!! 

xx


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## EmmaR74

Hi everyone,

How about the baffling 'you just have to think positively' 

Anyone ever been offered 'thinking negatively' as a form of contraception

Emma
xxx


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## Candee

When telling me that trying to have a child on my own is morally wrong, my brother told me that if I had *really* wanted children, I would have found a partner to have them with...  
Aggggggghhhhhhhhh where do I start with him?


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## Geebee

LOL GUYS - its so good we can have a good old b*tchin about these people on here!!

who are these so called people who stopped trying and fell straight away? Ooh I hate them! and I especailly love the one EMMA about think positive. They think they help but they just make it worse!

we all deserve a medal xxxx


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## LuuLuu

I cannot believe some people's comments!!!  Emma - love the one about your friend having to try for 4 months - WHAT!!!  At 4 months, I hadn't even started to wonder!!!


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## swhattie

Hope you dont mind me butting in!!

The comments that always get my goat are:

1) "It'll be your turn next" - mmmm if it went in turns then id have had my turn YEARS ago

2) "it only takes one" - when my husband's best SA had a total of 8 swimmers in it... If it only took 'one' then men wouldnt ejaculate 20million!

3) "relax and it'll happen" - Iv been with my DH now for 9 years since I was 16 - Iv had lots of relaxing 'time' with him!!

4) "hey, have you heard about so and so, shes pregnant" - oh wow Im so glad you've inadvertantly let us know what failures we are - I love knowing whos pregnant when Im not

There are so many that irritate me....

I hate people that moan about things like having to save for a bag and not being able to wait - oh boo hoo!!!

After my MC in march - people saying oh at least you can get pregnant!

I am a bitter bitter girl!

I am a bitter bitter person!


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## JuliaG

socialchameleon - then we can all be bitter together then


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## Candee

socialchameleon, there are so many people out there who just need a big slap!  
Lots of hugs for you hun    
Candee
x


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## charlie61

I love this thread  

A couple of my own - My sister (who has a 3 1/2yr old and twin 20 month olds all natural) was on the phone and the kids were playing up and she said 'and you want children!!'  well actually YES i do!!!!!
My SIL who has never wanted kids fell pg after 'trying' for only 5 months told me that they had talked about abortion cause she wasnt really ready (so why bloody try for kids then??!!!!)
  
Wow i'm really getting into this *****ing now


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## topaz7

This thread is great! 

But it's not just us ladies that get the comments. DH encounters well-meaning work colleagues that tell him he doesn't want to leave it too late and fatherhood is a magical experience.

xxx


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## LuuLuu

Mmm - we'd all like to experience that magical feeling - unbelievable!!!


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## Sue74

I so love this thread  .  Its so true that people do say ridiculous things to us, they have no idea do they  .  

Ive heard so many times if you relax and get drunk it'll just happen, god I would never be   sober if that was the case 

Thanks girls reading these posts has cheered me up xx


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## Han72

EmmaR74 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> How about the baffling 'you just have to think positively'
> 
> Anyone ever been offered 'thinking negatively' as a form of contraception
> 
> Emma
> xxx


 I LIKE that line as a response! I'm definitely using it the next time someone tells me that one!

How about "have you thought about adoption" No of course I haven't. I mean after 7 failures it would never occur to me to start looking into the alternatives, would it . It's also the assumption that adoption is easy-peasy and there's loads of babies out there just waiting for us selfish, thoughtless IVF attempters to come and pick them up like Big Macs at the McDonalds drive-thru, I can see it now:

"Mcdonalds baby drive thru, how can I help you?"
"Ooh, I think I'll have a 6 month-old please!", 
"You want a sibling with that?"


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## Candee

NixfO1 do you want to upgrade to the twins meal deal?


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## Han72

Candee said:


> NixfO1 do you want to upgrade to the twins meal deal?


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## nickym

I love this thread, first thing to make me smile in a couple of days  

I think the inlaws are the worst ... typicals of mine are ... ooh emma bunton has endometriosis and shes pregnant ... shes a big church goer and reckoned that shes been lighting candles for me every time shes been there through tx so its obviously bound to work lol

Thanks for making me smile ladies 

xx


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## LuuLuu

Love the McD analogy!!!


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## l.m.m.

OMG - my mum says all of these but i have to let her off a bit as she's offered to help pay for a second cycle if the FET from the first doesn't work. (didn't get as far as fresh ET cos of OHSS).

We also have some v religious relatives and friends who keep saying it's gods will if it doesn't work - and  it must be for a reason.

Cheers for that!! That makes it all OK then!!

L


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## LadyBella

Hope you don't mind me adding a couple to this list that have been said to me just this week (apologies if they have already been said):

'There's one in there for you' - one what how do you know

'30 in November don't you think you should be trying for a baby?' - duh I know that they don't know about tx but still...

'never mind if it doesn't work you can always adopt or foster' - unfortunatley for us that is something we have considered and decided against otherwise why would we be putting ourselves through tx. It's quite easy to say this statement when you have your own children.

'Relax it will happen, doctors these days don't know what they are on about' 

'It's not your problem you could go down street and get pregnant' - yes cos I am that shallow and do not love my husband  

Arrgghh rant over - god I am sooo fed up with stupid comments like this as if what we have to go through is not hard enough. I much prefer it if people say 'nothing'  

Kelly
xxxx


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## Candee

"I much prefer it if people say 'nothing'  "

Amen to that LadyBella!
(((Hugs))) for you


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## Lainsy

It's amazing how many stupid people are out there with their thoughtless comments!

I have certainly heard a few over the past 11 years since I got married, including on the day of my wedding being told it would be my turn as my twin sister was 8 months pregnant at the time.  My goodness let me at least get married first  

But the best one I have ever had said to me is "your twin sister has 3 kids, why don't you?"  mmm let me think about that, probably because we are 2 different people!!!  Agggghhh


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## IGWIN79

Oh imm i think i would have knocked them     out cant beleive they said that to you


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## jasmine372

hi ladies, this is a fab thread.

i love the macd analogy...

this is a selection of what ive had to listen to '

*'my dad* ( who doesnt know re treatment ) get a move on, who are you going to leave everything to if you dont have kids ! ( bless him as he has a point!)

a 'friend' who conceived 1st on honeymoon and 2nd after 2 months. TTC ' i think theres something wrong as it took double time this time'

countless ' it will be you next ' followed by a wink wink nod nod  

'are you sure you want kids ' from someone who talks about nothing else

'why dont you adopt?' i HATE this one. a good line to use back is, 'why didnt you? ' works esp if they have biological kids.

I have 5 friends who are all aged about my age and TTC. we dont discuss TTC or babies as there seems to be an understanding that if we want to talk we will say , people who have kids naturally and it seems its always the ones who conceive quickly are the ones who say the WORST things. it really is a case of they just have NO idea what its like.


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## bell26

This thread is great ! loved the mcdonalds post...

Only the other day i was chatting to my friend on the phone (she has a 9 wk old baby boy) he was screaming his head off in the background and she said to me "are you sure you want to have a baby, you get no sleep you know"   Its so irritating, i would rather put up with endless sleepless nights than spending my life childless !

Also my mum, bless her, i love her to bits but her and my dad got pregnant with me after a month of trying so they dont really get it. Her favourite is "i am positive you will get pregnant naturally" hello ? me and DH have been   like bunnies for 7 years, had 5 x tx and not a sniff of a natural pregnancy so what is that all about ? 

My other friend who hasnt embarked on starting a family yet came out with a classic "i am so worried infertility will happen to me". It hasnt happened so how can you worry about it ? no doubt she will be like everyone else i know and fall as soon as she comes off the pill.

People are annoying, you guys have cheered me up though !

Bell xx


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## kleenexgirl

Another corker I've been repeatedly told is

"you'll never miss what you never had"


..........really.........must just be me then! 

Kleenex


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## Han72

How about - "oooh IVF you don't want to do that, just keep trying naturally it'll happen!" And then when I finally get sick of it and say , "well actually I've no fallopian tubes so no, it's never going to happen naturally, they look confused for a minute and then come out with something like "I know someone who tried for (insert number of years here) and it just happened as soon as she stopped thinking about it" 

Which bit of "I have no fallopian tubes" did you not understand? Was ANYBODY paying any attention in their human biology lessons 



kleenexgirl said:


> Another corker I've been repeatedly told is
> 
> "you'll never miss what you never had"


God help anyone who says something like that to me. They'd better RUN! 

xxx


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## Skybreeze

Hi ladies been reading this thread! 

So I went to a wedding on Saturday, and my darling SIL said.... (btw, I had a m/c @ 10 weeks on the 10th of June) 'I'm really sorry for your loss (which was nice) But you have to remember that it wasnt the babies time (heard that a million times now, doesnt make it any easier)... There are so many friends and family pregnant at the moment, that your baby just wasnt special enough... Your'll be pregnant again and it will be all about you and the baby' 

I replied, wanting to rip her throat out!!!! My baby was very very special, after 8 years and 3 goes at IVF we were finally lucky and had a baby!!!! Now its over, and no one can do anything about it. Dont ever tell me my baby wasnt special, to us our baby was everything!!! 
I then walked out not believing what she just said!!! 

Other things that have been said is... Dont worry it will happen again.... You have been pregnant now, your body knows what to do. 

And the best one was..... Are you doing IVF again.. (I said yes) then they said... Why?? After everything, why keep doing it?? Well I dont know because I want a baby!!!!!!!!!  

Some people just havent got a clue!

Natalie xxx


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## calamity

What a great thread sorry for just joining in but its brilliant! 

One thing that I've heard loads in our ttc years

"whats for you will not go by you" 
mmm i still cant figure this one out was I unworthy of having children or did it mean something different?

Another favourite was that a well meaning friend said that if I was to build an extension onto the house I would get distracted and get PG?? or a conservatory might do but the extension worked for her Unfortunately I dont have room for a conservatory or an extension and what about couples TTC that live in flats have they no hope?? 

Another favourite is that if your infertility is unexplained theres no reason you cant get pregnant as theres nothing stopping you? well Im sure I was trying for the 6 years but maybe I didnt try hard enough cos i didnt build the extension??. 

The final nail in the coffin of one of my friendships was one friend didnt bother telling me she was pregnant till she was 22 weeks? it had been obvious for some time I said to her when she broke the news that I already knew she wasnt trying to spare my feeling as she had already made numerous cruel digs about out childlessness) and she justified not telling me by saying you will never understand just how stressful it is to be be pregnant!. Well I suppose she was right I didnt!. 

People EH??

Calamity


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## Lentil

WHY OH WHY WHY WHY does one of our best friends KEEP telling me every time her daughter has been to stay with her 2 month old baby 'It's so tiring you know ...having a baby in the house is really draining you know.....you dont have a second to yourself you know.......' to which I just  had to say 'well actually no I dont know' and then had to use every strength I had to not say 'I feel the same about NOT having one'.. But then we are talking about someone who's daughter got pg the first month after she came off the pill. Honestluy I ned to sit her down and talk to her at some point. Particularly after the comments of 'ah well you and DH are happy and you have your dogs........' ........ great thanks for that.



L
xxxx


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## Sue74

Wanted to send skybreeze   , so sorry for your loss, life is so cruel at times, thinking of you


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## tenny

Great thread.  Wish I'd seen it earlier!  Well, everything you say is true.  I've heard them all.  Nobody seems bothered to listen.  I've been pregnant 6 times before this one and lost them all early on - so I get told that if I stop trying then I'll get pregnant - as if that was the problem.

I had a bit of a sad one the other day.  Some very nice woman was chatting and without realising said, "You can't imagine what it's like to have children - so worrying."  She said it in a general context and without any animosity so in a way I didn't pick up on it.  The next day she was waiting outside work for me.  In tears.  With a box of chocolates.  She apologised profusely for having made such a stupid comment.  To be honest, it upset me more to have the comment brought home to me - but there again, I do think better of her.


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## smeghead

I'm just loving this thread especially the McDonalds theory, at least this thread makes me laugh at a time when I need all the laughs I can get.

I've heard them all, just why are people so darn   insensitive to other peoples feelings.

You don't want children they cost too much money, you only have yourselves to think about at the moment and can just please yourselves. Whats for you won't go bye you.... Sit on that chair at work and you'll be next. And all the rest of them.  Codswallop and poppycock.

Lou x


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## Candee

How about "why are you making such a fuss? Why can't you just content yourself with being an Aunty? We don't all get everything we want in life you know!" From a woman who is completely obsessed with her two daughters!
Candee
x


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## Lentil

GGRRRRRRR Candee   that woman from me!! xx


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## Candee

Hi girls,
Thank you for the virtual beating up of my idiotic work colleague Lentil! It made my laugh!
Rose    for you - you wouldn't think there could be people so thick that
they can't at least try to comprehend the devastation that is a miscarriage... I am glad that
some people have been lovely though more    for you hun!
Candee
x


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## Locket

Hi ladies - oh yep!! The most ridiculous one after a miscarriage as has already been said is: "Oh well, it just wasn't meant to be and ....at least you know you can get pregnant now" - Oh yeah?! I got pregnant ONCE in 4 years and NOTHING since - oh it's okay, I'll just give it another 4 years and it's bound to happen again   and YES IT  WELL *WAS* MEANT TO BE !!

It's infuriating.

Oh and the only thing my cousin ever says is "You're in our prayers" - no offence but that reminds me why I don't believe in God.

Absolutely fab to see that some of you lovely ladies have made it onto the BFP bus anyway   

Lots of love to those who haven't reached their dream yet


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## peg2

a friend of mine sat next to me at a christmas party 3 months pregnant, knowing full well i've been trying for years etc, and told me she was just having 2 glasses of wine and popping out for a ***!!!!AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH omg i couldn't believe it! then chain smoked thru her entire pregnacy! baby now 1 year old and told me how hard it is being a mum and sooooooo boring!!!!!!!!!and can't wait to get back to work! can you believe it?? SOOOOOOOOO incenistive! when she asked me about how i was i just said i didin't really want to talk about it! That shut her up!!!! not inviting HER to my birthday meal!!!!!!!

Cor that feels good to get that off my chest!

Then there's my future SIL marrying DH brother on saturday ( my birthday! how badly planned was that?)
she is 11 years younger than me and wants to get pregnant on the honey moon. She probably will, and i'll be gutted and feel sick, and i'll have to pretend i'm so happy for her and hide that i think it's sooo un fair,i don't think i could cope with going thru her pregnancy 9 months of her being pregnant! just had 12 months of her planning her bl**dy wedding! BORING!!!!!! not inviting her to my birthday meal either!

Cor glad i got that off my chest too!

this thread is great!!!!!!! feel so much better! having a *****!!!!!!
xxxxxxx


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## Candee

Big hugs for your Peg2     
These are for your 'friend' and future SIL      
Candee
x


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## LuuLuu

Peg2 - these people infuriate me - whenever I go to the fertility clinic I have to walk past the chain smoking pregnant ladies in their dressing gowns outside.  I also read Ok mag this week as off work sick and Carly Zucker  - Joe Cole's new wife is planning on getting pg on her honeymoon - we wish hey!!!


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## Betty-Boo

I've a very good friend - who i think doesn't quite understand the whole fertility issue.... 
After having my 40th last week  -  I was a bit down as haven't got the family I thought I would have by 40.  Still single and no children - so uderstandably a bit down.... Her reply was - well look at me I'm 36 and I don't have a driving licence!!!  Oh yeah - like they compare??  
Sometime others just do not think - don't think they mean to hurt us - at least I hope not.
Big hugs x x  x


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## Han72

I must say, all these people "planning" pregnancy on their honeymoon - it just makes me laugh tbh. I mean, did they time it to coincide with the fertile part of their cycle? I doubt it somehow!

Mind you, I was SURE I'd get preg on our honeymoon so maybe I shouldn't laugh too hard!



Locket said:


> "Oh well, it just wasn't meant to be and ....at least you know you can get pregnant now"


Oooh, my _favourites_! I realise it's difficult to know what to say in those situations but seriously, when people spout this kind of crap at me, I really want to say, "if that's the best you can do, I suggest you stop at "I'm sorry"

Great thread this! I'm looovin' it badababa baaa     I know it's bad taste to laugh at one's own jokes but I do get the giggles every time we pass a Mcdonald's drive thru now 

xxx

Ooh hello minxelette!



mini minx said:


> I've a very good friend - who i think doesn't quite understand the whole fertility issue....
> After having my 40th last week - I was a bit down as haven't got the family I thought I would have by 40. Still single and no children - so uderstandably a bit down.... Her reply was - well look at me I'm 36 and I don't have a driving licence!!!


Nooo! _Seriously_?! That's a good'un! Poor thing, give her my condolences on her inability to drive    And  for last week, even if your life is not exactly where you hoped it would be at this point, you know you have friends here who understand how you're feeling hon    

xxx


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## Candee

Hi Mini
I felt exactly the same on my 40th last year. My 'friend' said, never mind, I'm 43 this time. So I said, yes, but you 
have your family, (2 kids who she is completley nutty about) and she said "Oh God, I knew you'd be going on about not having kids again!"
Grrrrrrrrr   
Candee
x


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## peg2

candee! OMG!!!!! can not beleive that! some friend!!!!!!!! xxxxxx


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## Betty-Boo

Some people eh  It's always those who may have had an easier journey having children that say the insentive things...      
We are all strong enough to rise above it!!!!
Big hugs mini x x


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## Candee

Yes we are! Well said Mini! Big Hugs to everyone!


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## tenny

Just a quick comment.  As the years passed and my 40th loomed, I thought that it was all over - there was no point after 40.  I'm surprised myself - a bit scared to wake up and find out it's a dream but I got a BFP at the end of May this year, and I'm 44.  I'm not saying it's brilliant this way, but just to say that there is still hope  

tenny


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## Candee

Well done you Tenny! I am off in just under three weeks, to hopefully get pregnant with donor eggs!
Candee
x


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## tenny

LOTS OF BEST WISHES AND GOOOOOODDD LUCK


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## Betty-Boo

Tenny that's brilliant honey congratulations x x


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## LuuLuu

Fab news Tenny!!!


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## Han72

Congrats Tenny!   

xxx


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## angel555

OMG, why haven't I seen this thread before

I have just had a second mmc this year. Only our immediate family know about our tx, so when we had to tell them about losing our precious little one, SIL said that "well at this point it was only a mass of cells, its not like there was life or you were attached.....better it happened now than later". How do you explain the bond from the point you see the "cells" embryo during ET? How do you explain that the fact we got a BFP was because there was life? Even though we were cautiously optimistic, its still difficult to deal with. And this is a person who had her children exactly when she planned to have them. 

And a friend of ours who recently got a baby was gushing about motherhood.........turned around to me and said that it was the best feeling in the world and that we "should try it". Granted that my emotions were raw at the time because of the mc, but really......!!!?? Like its comparable to buying a pair of shoes or going on an exotic holiday that can be "tried"!!!!!

Really, some of the comments I have come across and also after having read some of the things posted here amaze me to no extent! I can't believe that educated people can come out with such insensitive rubbish.


----------



## Han72

So sorry about your MMC Angel 

As for those comments   I like that "you should definitely try it" ... No?  Really?!  

I've had that myself from someone who got preg the 1st month of trying after years of saying she wasn't fussed about having kids, and KNOWS what we're going thru... I know it was kindly meant but BLOODY HELL!!!  I should have said "yeah, why didn't I think of that, let me just pop down to the baby drive-thru right now!!!"

xxx


----------



## H&amp;P

Angel - really sorry you had a MMC (I had one in April this year)  , people just cannot understand how much we have gone through to get to that BFP point only for it to be taken away so soon.  

Love this thread and have had most of the comments said to me in the past 2 years, one friend says virtually every time we go to visit them and their 2 (admittedly hyperactive) children "are you sure you really want kids?" and one day I am sure I will bite my tongue no longer and snap back " nah, we are just doing all this for fun!!!)  

Just wanted to also add my recent wedding day disaster where our "close" friend who knew we were in the middle of TX sat us on a table with 1 pregnant couple, 1 couple with a 3 month old, one couple with a 6 month old and a 2 yo and another couple with a 1yo & 2yo, gee thanks for making us feel really comfortable for the 2 hrs we weren't able to move from the table (and it wasn't as if we knew any of them). Guess what the only topic of conversation was, I was fuming &  , there were tables with no children on with people we knew on them so I have no idea what she could have been thinking of.


----------



## angel555

Thanks Nix and Driver, I don't know if people realise how deeply it affects us - they don't necessarily do it with the intention of hurting us. I sometimes wonder if I would have come out with stupid things like those if I had been able to get pg easily  But after going through IF, I know I have become more sensitive to other people's feelings in a lot of other areas that I may have it easy.



Nixf01 said:


> I should have said "yeah, why didn't I think of that, let me just pop down to the baby drive-thru right now!!!"
> 
> xxx


    Now there's a thought!

Driver - as for your friend's wedding I do sympathise with you- that must have been awful. I know weddings are supposed to be about the couple, but surely a little bit of thought wouldn't go amiss. 

After my last mc, talking to people got me into a worse state. So this time round I have refused to pick up the phone. I will talk to people when I'm ready. Poor DH is getting tired making excuses for me


----------



## Mousky

Hello Ladies,

Just found this thread and loved it!

We've decided not to tell anyone (except bosses for practical reasons) not only because we didn't want to handle our families/friends anxiety about the whole process but also because as being latin, I lack your british elegance and I DO ANSWER!   

The only stupid thing I've heard came from a dermatologist who clearly had no clue, "you're so young to be doing these treatments". Hello?! That coming from someone who's been to med school. Needless to say, I'll never see her again.  

And also someone from her team said "haven't you thought about adoption? because ALMOST ALWAYS couples get pregnant after adopting".

Seriously, if people know nothing about tx I believe they know even less about adoption...  

I even think that so many of the remarks you girls listed are not meant to be hurtful (people are just clueless) but for sure, so many are! Those MILs and SILs and friends... ahhhhhhhh  

I think you're all so great, going through all this process, so many losses   and still hanging on.

Best    for the  .

Mousky xx


----------



## jenny80

I love this thread, people really dont think!!

My mother said i know your going through IVF but really your sister is  far more stressed  than you as she has the two kids to deal with!! I wanted to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want that stress and would not moan!

after this she then said you dont really want kids anyway!!! yea right that why i have done IVF with ED three times!

people do say things that hurt so so much.

I have got a wedding in Aug and no kids are allowed to go and you know i am happy as then i hope there is another topic of conversation.

Jenny


----------



## always

My favorite on this subject is when peoples kids are playing up and they turn to you and say " you sure you want kids"!!!

How I wish I could say......"Actually now I come to think about it hey, i had £16k spare and thought i just do ivf for the fun of it!! Just thought i'd stab myself with needles, fill myself up with drugs that make you feel like poo, spend 2 weeks waiting and hoping and oh having my heart broke when I get a negative result 5 times in the last 3 years, but hey you are right I really wouldnt want kids!!!!!"

Others that have come my way include:
It obviously isnt the right time!
It will happen one day!
It will happen when you least expect it (duh have no tubes, may be quite difficult that one!)
Its not all its cracked up to be!
You are a natural with kids (I now thats why I want my own!)
It suits you (whilst holding their baby!)
Dont let it take over your life!
Your quiet (thats because you are all talking about brestfeeding, nappies, pregnancy, bottles, poo's etc etc) 

mmm, now i have listed them out, no wonder I am going mad!!!

Would love to hear your responses to these kind of stupid statements, as I have a party tomorrow where I am sure I will hear at least one of them, if not them all..


----------



## Han72

Geeeesusss!  Yup heard EVERY SINGLE ONE of these! I usually get drunk and go and cry in the toilets, does that count as a coping strategy?  

Seriously, most of them don't even warrant a response I'd just nod and smile and walk away. That way they feel like they've done their Marge Proops bit and you maintain your dignity...

Good luck lovey   

xxx


----------



## tenny

I've been harbouring this one for years now but I don't want to be bitter.  A female friend of my husband's got pregnant which I found very difficult to deal with - the usual thing where they invite you out to a coffee and then in public tell you their good news, knowing how long you've been trying and how heartbroken you are over the m/cs, and then you have to struggle not to cry.  I found it difficult to cope with.  When the baby was finally born, I eventually got the courage to go over and see it and make an effort to be positive and try and create a relationship with it.  I was just trying to be positive and feel relaxed when I then heard her say in front of everyone, "Ah, look, you're treating her like she's yours, aren't you."  Needless to say, I handed her over and have hardly seen her anymore.  I hate being observed with other people's children    And the condescension.

It's like being a side-show.


----------



## saphy75

tenny that is truely shocking  what a horrible person she must be to think that's ok to say to someone   big hugs for you   

pam xx


----------



## Lentil

Nixf01 said:


> Geeeesusss! Yup heard EVERY SINGLE ONE of these! I usually get drunk and go and cry in the toilets, does that count as a coping strategy?
> 
> Seriously, most of them don't even warrant a response I'd just nod and smile and walk away. That way they feel like they've done their Marge Proops bit and you maintain your dignity...
> 
> Good luck lovey
> 
> xxx


It isnt a coping strategy?? dont tell me that now after all these years of using that tactic  xxx


----------



## Angua

This is why I told no-one about our tx. I don't plan to tell anyone I know at all, ever.


----------



## foxylady73

We had 10 years of people saying the stupidest things as we went through all of the treatment, miscarriages, operations and I thought now that I have (miraculously) fallen pregnant it would stop but it seems to be worse than ever.

The worst was my friends husband recently saying "did it never occur to you to try getting pregnant the conventional way in the first place and save yourself all that stress and money?".  Er no, of course we haven't had sex in the last 10 years, we just enjoy going through IVF so much.  What an idiot


----------



## LuuLuu

Unbelievable!!!


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

Foxy - well there are thousands of us on here - why didn't we think of that!  I've heard them all now


----------



## jasmine372

*foxy* -thats outrageous!!
send him some    ( thats if youre still talking to him)

on a scale of 1-10 thats a 1000. what a prat.

think we should start a scalometer on how stupid people can be.


----------



## shortie66

Luv this thread only just found it   

My neighbour always saying "are u sure u want kids"  as her brattish 9yr daughter is throwing another strop cos she's a spolit so and so.  Feel like saying yes i do but i'll make sure they dont turn out like her.


----------



## Han72

slycett said:


> My neighbour always saying "are u sure u want kids" as her brattish 9yr daughter is throwing another strop cos she's a spolit so and so. Feel like saying yes i do but i'll make sure they dont turn out like her.


   Go oooon Kate, I dare ya!

xxx


----------



## Candee

Slycett - that would serve her right!  
Candee
x


----------



## Maybemummy

Hi Ladies

Thanks for this thread it has made me smile for the first time since our 4th BFN last Saturday. 

We have now moved into freaks to be avoided category with comments like "when are you going to call it a day?" sorry didn't realise us living our lives without bothering anyone was so tedious for others.  I've also had "how many more goes before you give up"  from my own sister though she has been lovely this time.

We don't really tend to talk about the treatments much just if people ask although as we have had so many cycles most friends and family know.  The worst bit is when people ask how it went and you say another negative and the then break their legs to head off in the opposite direction in case you are going to be wierd or something.  I can honestly say in all our years of treatment we have never emoted or overshared in public so why the hell are we going to start now!!!! no one understands unless they have been thru this thing  

Here's to all the idiots and their stupid comments, as long as we give them something to talk about.

Loved the Macdondalds line ... do prefer a KFC big bucket of kids myself 

Siobhan x


----------



## Lentil

one of my all time most   was:
'no wonder you have got such a lovely clean house with no kids to have to tidy up after' oh and another one is 'why have you got such a big place when its just the 2 of you' 

Despairingly yours,
L
xxx


----------



## sleepypenguin

Hi girls 

I have just found this and laughed out loud and had the odd tear at reading some of the comments. One that really gets me is when with friends kids and they say 'You dont want to take these 2 do you?'    Please they know how much we want kids (and no I don't want your baddly behaved brats thank you very much  ).

My Mum is an advocate of 'what will be will be', 'everything happens for a reason', however having watched us go through IVF and knowing without it she wouldn't have grandkids has made her think differently.

I must admit I think I have said to people 'just relax it will happen' in the past but they have gone on to have natural pg. I could kick myself for it now but I don't think you can ever appreciate the heartache of IF until you have been trough it.

Keep the stories coming.

Sleepy


----------



## H&amp;P

Hi ladies,

I couldn't agree more, never again will I say to someone, "it'll be your turn next" (as my boss said to me last week, and he knows we are having IVF, I think he meant it in a nice way ie you will get a BFP but it never feels that way) when everyone is cooing over a baby at work. I really don't think people realise what they are saying and I am sure I must have made some similar comments in the past, it is only when you have gone through the pain of IF that you realise that other people may be having the same problems

Lentil - I have had both of those  

We have decided this cycle we are not telling family and friends (only people at my work that need to know) as we found keeping everyone updated after every hospital visit one of the most stressful parts of the cycle, trying to manage other peoples expectations while staying nice and relaxed is not fun. (probably made worse by the fact we were almost cancelled)


----------



## Sarah4eva

Hi ladies hope I can join, I had such a laugh on this thread. I had a mmc 3 years ago and had all the it wasn't meant to be and atleast you know you could get pregnant. (you would think they have a manual)

One lady at a function in front of everyone said 'your cousin's wife got married after you and now has a baby, what's taking you so long?'I was shocked and sisnt even reply, the room went silence.

My cousin the other day just said arent you pregnant yet? so i said no, if i was i'd tell you...then she says 'so you're not pregnant yet' she explains that someone has tried ivf many times and never worked (thanx for the info). She is 5 months pregnant then talked about how her Dr told her it is easy for her to get pregnant, thank God. (well good for you)

My aunt for 3 years, everytime she seems me she is like, ' i had a dream you are pregnant and my dreams come true so this time you will get pregers' and everyone around us are like 'yeah it will work by God's name' she does that atleast once a month for 3 YEARS. 

My 'closest' friend said 'why the  are you trying for kids for, they are a nightmare and u'll regret it. Also, why the   are you putting 2 embryos back you're mad' (i told her about 1st ivf but never again) I don't need negative comments thanks. And yes she has a faul mouth. She had an abortion at 17 weeks. 

I told my MIL about 2 years ago that we will be doing ivf shortly, and since then not once has she asked about it and me and DH are not telling her about tx. 

What's funny is none of them know i'm having ivf.

Sarah


----------



## Mousky

Sarah, I'm really   your aunt's dream is right at some point!  

Angua, I'm with you!

But the stupid thing is I have asked some friends about babies and maybe they were also going through it.
Even though I really believe they weren't.
Hope I wasn't mean.

 to all.


----------



## dreamermel

Just got a BFN yesterday and still suffering from pain/cramps and the drugs are not working!!!! I can't believe what some of you have had to deal with, so Ithought I'd add my latest 'WHATTTTTT?' comments from my mother in law. She called me on the weekend during the 2ww and asked in a very pointed voice 'How are YOU?' - she had been on hols for a fortnight and I think my DH had kept them in the loop on the treatment via SMS, so I asked 'how up to date are you', and it turns out she knows there's just 1 pre-blasto tranferred and that everything was OK to date. So I said, 'Well, yes, I'm still OK, nothing to report. YOu know I test on Wednesday and we'll take it from there'  - kept my voice even and asked her about her holiday  - moan. moan, moan - she apparently spent 2 weeks cleaning. What a joy she is. THEN, she drops two clangers.
No. 1 - scores around 889 on the 1-1000 scale in my eyes: 'Of course, I knew immediately when I concieved both my sons'. I had just told her that I don't really have any symptoms...
No.2 around the same value: 'Of course, you bled a hell of a lot when you last miscarried'. Oh you mean the one where i was pregnant for exactly 5 weeks and 3 days? The one which took three weeks for my hcg levels to return to normal? Is this relevant? MUCH GRINDING OF TEETH JUST WRITING THIS DOWN AND GETTING IT OUT! 

The funny thing is that it's increidle what people say, but you've got to just walk away and wait until you can laugh it off. Otherwise you'd go mad...x Mel


----------



## tenny

Sorry about your BFN, Mel.    Your mother-in-law, like many people, hasn't got a clue has she   It's funny how people who have got pregnant easily create a little comfort myth for themselves about how they knew immediately, or one I had last week - well, you just know if everything is right with it, don't you?  I have a scan next week and was telling my brother I was a bit nervous.  

Well, my experience after 6 m/cs and this pregnancy is that actually they're all different and there have been so many times when I have had symptoms of being pregnant and have not been pregnant that it's all just rubbish.  Sometimes when I actually was pregnant, I did have a few symptoms and sometimes also when I was, I had none.  This time, I was so relieved to be taking hormone medication that I just ignored any symptoms or possible symptoms as the consequences of the medication, and I felt better - more relaxed.  I was also pregnant as far as I knew for 10 weeks and when I went for the scan, the baby had died round about 6 weeks, but I was still feeling sick and having 'symptoms'.  This time, I've had a scan at 9 weeks and everything was fine, so I'm more optimistic.

The best thing you can do is ignore as much as you can, any possible symptoms and any silly people - just try and forgive the people who haven't had to learn what we've had to.  My friend's nephew died, and when all this happened to me, I reflected on how badly we'd all dealt with her grief.  At least, I was able to talk to her about it and I could apologise and try to undertand.  I think that it's not just the situation that we're in, I think that it's dificult to understand lots of things that happen to people.  So we should try to ignore those who are still ignorant.  And yes, have a laugh about them


----------



## Babypowder

Hi have just found this thread,

I am trying to keep myself busy as just found out yesterday I had a mm/c and so far in the one day-Im Going to slap the next person that says 'it wasn't ment to be'  

Funny thing is every girl/couple on this whole FF would NEVER say that-it only seems to be those that haven't a clue about IF.

It wasn't ment to be..........actually it was!-it was ment to be the end of the waiting, the end of the drugs, Consultants, pity looks, aching hearts and empty arms, it was so ment to be, as we cannot simply just 'try again' we must find the reasons, the money, the clinics, the time off.

Some peoplejust haven't got a clue.


----------



## jasmine372

hi *babypowder-* just read your post    . sending you lots of  at the horrible time. look after yourself and DH.

love
jasmine xx


----------



## tenny

Also sending you a   babypowder and   to jasmine for tomorrow's scan.  tenny


----------



## Angua

Babypowder - Sitting here at work, trying not to cry.


----------



## maggiemoo

This is the funniest link.....I think you have it right MIL's are (unintentionally usually) THE WORST!!  It's generally pretty hard to deal with other births in the family, even when you are happy for your sister in laws, cousins etc. My MIL gave my SIL a card saying 'we are so glad that you have given us grandchildren' then showed it me.  Great! Like I needed to feel any more inadequate. To top it off, my FIL made a toast over the new baby (william, my god son now) saying 'and here's to more grandchildren very soon - wink wink'. These people do know our situation, I really dispair at times!  xx


----------



## Angua

Unfortunately, my MIL isn't even aware we're expecting most of the time as she has early onset alzhimers.
I can see how much it upsets my DH as I know she would've loved to be involved.

Both my MIL & FIL went into a home a couple of months ago.


----------



## PinkPeacock

Hi Ladies,

This is a funny/rustrating and sad post. I'm sorry for you ladies with BFNs and miscarriages.    

My number one 'I-can't-believe-you-said-that' moment was when I started bleeding on day 13 post EC  whilst at work. It was very heavy so very clear it was all over. My colleague put her arm round me and told me that in five years I'd be taking my future children to school and would be glad the 1st IVF hadn't worked otherwise I wouldn't have gone on to have the child I go on to have.    Eh? Did you really say that? I can't imagine that even if this cycle works I'll EVER be GLAD that the last cycle failed.  

My gran tells me reguarly that at least I have Griffin (my cocker spaniel) and a baby would just lie in its cot and wouldn't lick my toes or nibble my ears like the dog does. Hello! Its not like I have to give Griffin away when we have a baby, I get to keep him AND have a baby. It isn't an either or situation!

Others include:
Oh, you're soooooo lucky that you don't have kids - you can go on holiday/out in the evening/to the cinema/have expensive cars whenever you want... yes, but the cost of IVF prevents all that and anyway, a holiday in Mojorca or a baby - tough choice!

"I just know it will happen for you one day" - oh goodie, because I thought we had about 35% chance per cycle, but now I know it will definately happen I'll get happy.,

After round one failed, said by a pg friend "So sorry hunni, I know just how you feel, it took us four months to conceive this one."

All the pregnant women at work "Oh poor me, my swollen ankles/hot flushes/weight gain/tiredness/stretch marks, its soooooo not worth it."

Woman at work "I'm pregnant with twins!" Everyone else flocks round her "You're so clever! What a clever girl you are! Well done you!" Yes, because I'm thick and stupid which is why I can't conceive. Ok, maybe over reacting on this one but it makes you think. 

Have you tried going on holiday? Missionary/doggy/standing up/in the shower/dsoing handstands worked for us, have you tried it? Have a glass of wine. It will happen when you least expect it. My friend tried for 10 years and then adopted and conceived a year after she adopted. Stop wanting it so much and it will happen. Kids aren't the be all and end all you know. 

If you aren't sure what you're about to say is useful, don't say anything and just give me a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I think people say things to make themselves feel better.


----------



## Cazne

Hello all, 

This is the best thread!

My godfather told me it's because I'm vegetarian
My dad tells me it's because I do too much

When I had the BFN after our recent first IVF (ICSI) attempt and I mentioned to my mum that I'd had some menstrual type cramps during the 2ww she said: oh well, you were never pregnant then, you don't feel like that when you're pregnant...

Constant success stories from close family and friends about their mates who concieved 10 years down the line having stopped trying...

These are people who are on our side! They really are and I do know this, yet it seems so incredibly insensitive.  The thing is, they are trying to explain the unexplainable I guess.

My inlaws are great - they make polite enquiries and they keep their opinions to themselves - HURRAH! 

I keep in mind at all times that they are on our side and they are really just echoing the feelings my DH and I have experienced: hope, sorrow, guilt, anger.  It just about makes things bearable.


----------



## LuuLuu

Cazne - my friend pulled a face when I said I'd had AF pains during my 1st 2ww.  Again suggesting you don't feel like that when you are pg.  Guess what - you do!!!  When I finally got  a BFP - I had had the same AF pains I get every other month!!!


----------



## Mousky

Hey girls,

Pinkcarys - the adoption/getting pregnant right after it's a classic! Maybe we should all skip tx, wait for ages until we are approved to adopt and then we'll be preggo! So easy!  

Cazne - I'm sure everyone is different and will feel different things during the early stages of pregnancy but let's face it. So many of the lucky ones who got their bfp naturally didn't even know they were pregnant until later so how can they tell us what they felt? And btw, DH and I are vegetarians as well. That must be it...  

 to all.


----------



## Han72

Yup, it's all those vegetables, so bad for your health  FFS!!!


----------



## saphy75

Nixf01 said:


> Yup, it's all those vegetables, so bad for your health  FFS!!!


----------



## GirlGamer

Hi people, i have some stupid stuff said to, when i slightly mention my journey ttc thru my life.  ive heard all the go on holiday,  just get drunk, stop trying so hard, dont get stressed, dont think about it and as someone else commented these are from folk who are meant to care, friends and family. My ex MIL said something on my 2wwwhen i had icsi with her son ( can i just say first that she had him thru DIUI in 1975, tried ttc for 4 years so surely out of all my family and friends be the most understanding) he was on the phone to her ( she lived in london), bear in mind this was her only chance probably of ever being a gran as it was MF in the first place, " oh i dont know why anyone wud wanna bring children into this horrible world for anyway" i can honestly say i repulsed the woman after that, never forgave her, and turned to myself inside and said, well if i do have her grandkids on board now, il tell them one day wot she said and how disrepectful it was. in my eyes she'd blown her chance of being a granny to them.
one of my more recent comments was from a supposed friend  who knows wots happened  to me, who had 2 kids at the drop of a hat, re married last may, pregnant with 3rd in june :O didnt even want it supposedly, which she told others but obviously not me. but it was to get outta work. anyway she text me when he was born in april, i avioded her like the plague but bumped into her in the high street a few weeks later, i did my best to keep calm, cool and positive ( as my counseller is teaching me). firstly she said liz its not all it cracked up to be this havin babys lark, it was nice for the first week but it soon wears off.. i kept my cool so far.then she commented on how shes still got the weight on. so i said, ah well, it is yr 3rd, uve always been slim your bound to find it harder this time. her reply was " thats ok for u to say that stood there all slim" at whiuch point i lost it, said id rather be fat and have wot u have,id give anything to  have a baby like u. her next response was come on then wots the answer to the 64 thousand doller question, are u ttc with yr new guy? i was just gobsmacked.( no pressure then)


----------



## charlie_44

Hi all  

This thread has gave me have a chuckle or several though the things people say are  

A nurse at my G.P.s just told me I just needed to relax or go away on holiday like her friends did and it'll work as it did for them.  

My cousin had been trying for a lil while before she got preganant and my aunty told me that my cousin thought she'd end up like me  

My first medicated IUI cycle was abandoned as I had over stimmed with 18 follies but one of the fertility nurses said to me 'you never know if you try naturally' - hmmm now that would be a miracle as we're having to use using a sperm donor    ( and would have been a bit dodgy if not with 18 follies  )

Love and luck to you all


----------



## GirlGamer

my bro was expecting his first her second last year, hes 44 my eldest bro. (was over the moon for him). did me best to avoid him as the pain from my point of view was too much to bear.me and then DP that i had icsi with "bumped" into him one afternoon that we'd gone down for a quite pint to get away from crap. just got back off hols a few days, i found it quite difficult on holiday, broke down a few times, it was hard. anyway they had come back from there scan. we sat for over an hour listening to proud dad showing off his pic talking about the baby wot he was looking forward to how great it all was etc. i was dying inside big time, kept looking across at DP and cringing, it musta killed him. but i didnt wanna take any of his excitement away he had every right to be proud so sat quietly and listended, pretended to be interested. DP nipped to the loo, me bro on the quiet said how did the hol go (he knew me and dp wernt getting on coz of everything). i said i found it really difficult seeing all the familys with babys etc. he answered " your far too old to have a baby at your age now"


----------



## Cazne

I think we could make a film script of these posts - some are so funny and yet some are heartbreaking.  Thanks for the replies to my post everyone.  It's really great to have this support network.


----------



## Mousky

Cazne - I think the movie is a great idea!  

Mousky xx


----------



## kitten77

its unbeliveable some of these....but i have to admit, had most of them.  got a sister in law who keeps telling me at ever chance how her husband just had to look at her and she fell pregnant! cosmic, thanks for that!  

oh and on holiday the other weekend, she says to my other sil 'oh do you think we can borrow your little one so we can see what it is like to have 3 as thinking about it' - DH bit his tongue as he wanted to shout 'oh can we borrow him so we can see what its like to have one'! unbelieveable. (all the while looking at me to see if i react!).


----------



## Lentil

Kitten =   sorry but what a b!tch!!!


----------



## Cazne

my thoughts exactly!!  You did well rising above it.  Why would someone want to be that cruel?


----------



## jenny80

Hi (again) Kitten,

people can be so so cruel and insentive. done well not to react but thats probley what they wanted.

jenny


----------



## Mousky

kitten, I understand she knows about IF/tx? What a total  !  

My SIL made a remark over her bday dinner that our dog was the only nephew she was likely to have. She knows nothing about tx but thinks it's taking too long. I was quite  . Decided to be quiet though I could have asked her the same thing! Except she doesn't even have a dog!


----------



## jenny80

Hi Mousky,

You SIL sounds like she does not understand about pregancy and how its not all that easy for everyone, if only it was!!!

someone once upset me by saying that i should not consider the two embroys in me as my babies , it was said to try and help me not get so upset if its a bfn(not that it would help at all )  but to me they are my babies i just want them to stay, they are not just eggs in my eyes no matter what people or science says, my heart knows the truth they are my possible kids! there are my family and will always remeber the ones i have lost.

hope you all ok

jenny


----------



## kitten77

meeting everywhere arent we jenny!

totally! embies are my babies. even call them babies, like when we had FET we had our ice babies. always will be. they may be cells but still living! 

oh and sil does it so i react, she once said to me that she trys to get a reaction out of me but i never give her one (never will give her the satifiaction) - and YES she does know about our txs!!!! makes it even worse dont it.


----------



## jenny80

Hi

your sil is so unfair to you hun! def dont give her satisfaction. does not seem very nice person , appears cruel to me!

wait till the day you have you baby and then you can say " look at us now"

remember your good friends not people who you dont need in your life!

jenny


----------



## BudgieSeed

Nice to know I'm not the only person who's had to deal with idiots!

When I first found out about my 'issues' and told my parents my Dad (may he RIP) I think trying to make me feel better   sad 'Who wants to bring a child into this world anyway?'.  'I do someday Dad' was my reply.  He then gave me a big cuddle but it still hurt a bit.

My oldest sister (who is now 44) has always been rather fertile.  Pregnant at 21 with my niece, then had a bit of a break and a few different blokes and had 2 boys in quick succession 8  years later, broke up with that fella, one night stand a few years later - abortion, one night stand not long after that, little girl, one night stand with someone else - another little girl, then another abortion, got pregnant again to that guy and after finding out baby was going to be physically disabled (missing some fingers and toes) and downs syndrome with a bad heart decided to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway, even though the 2 boys she's had are living with other people (different homes) because she couldn't deal with them.  The night of my father's funeral one of her druggy friends comes around asking where her two girls are (7 and 5 at this stage) at 9:30 pm at night because they're run off somewhere!  OMG!!!  Anyway, big sister seems to think it so unfair that I can't have babies and she just seems to get pregnant so easily.  For goodness sake!  USE A CONDOM!  Or get a tubligation!  Needless to say am very glad she's back home in NZ and I'm here in London.

I think the worst thing said to me was by a GP of all people.  I'd gone to her complaining about the HRT I was on at the time as it was making me put on a lot of weight.  She said 'why are you on it anyway?'.  I said to keep things 'fresh' down there for when I do decide to go through DE IVF.  'When will that be?  You are 32!'.  OMG!    Certainly didn't expect that from a member of the medical profession!  I said that 'I would like to get married to my partner first!' - that sure shut her up.  

I have had people say 'Oh you're so good with children, you'll be a great mother, aren't you a natural' - which having always loved babies right from when I was a little girl (am youngest of 5 and would have given anything for my own little sister) and was an Aunt at 12 and bascially my nieces second mother (in fact she preferred me to her Mum and still does - see above comments re big sister).  Not a bad thing to say but it does feel a bit of a kick in the guts at times.  

I've also been sat at a wedding table with pregnant women before...talk about a false smile plastered on my face for a considerable amount of the evening - someone pass the wine!

Boy, that moan felt real good!


----------



## jenny80

Hi Budgie seed,

You have been through an emotional rollcoaster, it must be so hard about your sister, life is ironic people who have kids do bother about them but those who deprately want them can its all so so wrong and messed up world at times!!

I work with people at times who have neglected kids and want to shake them but cant, just scream inside my own head!!

My sister would not offer to donate her eggs only on the grounds of " I Cant see you with kids before me!! " now she has two girls and is too old to donate eggs but its ok for me to see her with kids her advise is i should just adopt and not spend money on IVF!!

One good thing at least we can pick our friends !! I have a friend who is more of a sister to me and has always been there for me, for me she is part of my family and would do anything for her but when it comes to others in my family i may not be so willing to help as there is too much pain in thier comments.

sorry i have went on a rant and just relised now.

Jenny


----------



## BudgieSeed

Jenny, don't apologise for the rant!  That's what this bit is for isn't it?  

I have 3 sisters, all too old to donate...though also have strong family history of Breast Cancer so think I'd prefer someone elses eggs/different gene pool anyway .  I've told Penny (at Serum) I want the donor to be tall (I'm over 6' - I think I'll be lucky if I get someone that tall), beautiful and smart.  

xx


----------



## GirlGamer

budgie, my ex mil said that to me wot yr dad did while on 2ww with isci
, i wrote about it somewhere on here and she had DAI in 1975 to have son i was icsi'ing with  . 
yesterday one of my clients in my salon commented on how she had had 4 children and said " ah the lord sends us our children, he decides how many we have"....so il ask him when its my turn then  
today in my last councelling session my councellor (who has also had ivf but not sure of full details but then split up and had to get rid of frozen embies) told me that once her mate broke her neck to tell her that her ex had had ivf and had a baby with new partner   (thats for u michelle wanted to share on yr behalf)
Just a month before my icsi 3 years ago i went round to the hairdressers to make an appt, it was my old mates and i used to work there too. "heidi" who only had to be looked at who had 2 children of her own plus 2 older step children but lived with her and called her mum, was having a convo with "cath" who had 4 children, over the counter about  how they were both broody and wud love another. they dint know about my tx or IF. but all the same i cuda socked them both one   "heidi" went on to have 2 more children too


----------



## rushdengal

HI,

reading all these comments i have to join in.  I've been trying for about 2 and 1/2 years now and am just starting on the IUI journey, however I'm a nurse on a neonatal unit so i can't get away from pregnant women or babies.  My colleagues are aware of my situation but still say things like go and get drunk, just relax etc, I've lost contact with friends who have become pregnant because i couldn't deal with it,  I've just turned down meeting up with close friends because who of them are pregnant and i wouldn't be able to take the baby talk. 

i see babies born all the time, only to go into foster care, that were accidents from one night stands, to mothers who abuse drugs,alcohol, to families with domestic violence.  I think my best option is to lose about 3 stone, not eat sensibly, smoke 50 a day, not see a dentist ever, take methodone, inject heroin, abuse sleeping tablets and antidepressants, have a one night stand with a violent man and still someone will tell me to go out get drunk and let nature take its course!!

Helen

PS sorry if this is a little negative, i know this thread started of positive


----------



## Mousky

Hi Helen,

It must be so tough for you but indeed as you said babies are born everyday, they're everywhere.
It hurts so much that for us with IF is more difficult or might never happen but it's no one's fault.
I'm sorry to hear your colleagues are not supportive but as we had discussed here people have no clue even when they mean well.  

Best of luck with your IUI.   

Keep us posted on how you're doing!

Mousky xx


----------



## GirlGamer

my DD


----------



## ♥JJ1♥

The things that annoy me are the friends who know and say "why don't you just adopt" as if as if it is an easy solution and being single too plus not realizing I need to close all doors with ivf before considering other avenues!

I've been to several parties recently where drunken usually women make comments but don't know about mine ,and who knows how many others situations- fri one of my donors neighbours said 'I always get pregnant just passing a man on the starcase, canyou imagine how awful it must be to be one of those desperate women to have children and can't'. 

I work in a hospital and have to sit in meetings about them wanting to expAnd the termination service, miscaariage service, babies and fertility sometimes thAt's hard but I have never crumpled at work so far.

A tutor once told us we all have a 'crumple button' something someone can mention intentionally or unintentionally, that can hit our nerve and upset us eg: weight issues- I guess for me it is babies n infertility 
L x


----------



## emmaboo73

This is a good thread!!
Recent ones include:
My sister sent a one line email when I told her my consultant advised going straight to DE - along the lines of "ah well, you just have to get your head around the fact life won't pan out as you thought it would" and then a couple of lines telling me they were on their way to the alps.  Geez. I deleted that email before I could re-read and fly over to France  .
My mum said "don't think egg donation is a good idea as it would be someone else's eggs"  Well yeeeessss. 
Another casual friend suggested taking lots of drugs and "finish myself off" after sex.  


There are too many more to mention, my MIL doesn't know - she's so pessimistic - for instance - our dog has just gone missing (my baby!) and she rang to say "Do you think she's fallen in the river and drowned".  

xx


----------



## Mousky

Hey girls.

JJ1- I also think you should adopt because apparently after adopting - what in their minds is the most straightforward process in the world - everyone gets pregnant!   

emmaboo - have you found your dog??

Mousky xx


----------



## GirlGamer

mousky ive heard that one too  
after my tx if i had a pound for everytime someone said have u thought of adoption, id be in the alps myself with emmaboos sister ffs. it was NEVEr an option to me and DP. i have a DD he was a step father to DD. lived as her father but not her father if u know wot i mean. from my point of view i so longed for him to have the feelings that natural parents have. the tug on the heart strings, the ..well no point in going on. at the back of all this was said DP finding out when he was 18 that his father was not his biological father as mum had DAI to concieve him. i could never have, no matter how desparate i was do the same to him not being the biological dad. also by adopting he was only as much a father to "child" as he was to my DD so it jst was never an option. god some people just have no idea do they


----------



## emmaboo73

hi mousky
not found my dog yet - am remaining positive..

x


----------



## kitten77

emmaboo - positive thots for youe baby doggy


----------



## Pinky3

OMG this thread is too funny   

My GP once said to me (after my 3rd m/c) i should just get drunk and relax!! if that was true i would have been having babies since the age of 15    i'll just pop off now to do some yoga while drinking a bottle of wine...


----------



## CLshark

♥JJ1♥ said:


> The things that annoy me are the friends who know and say "why don't you just adopt" as if as if it is an easy solution and being single too plus not realizing I need to close all doors with ivf before considering other avenues!
> 
> L x


I'm afraid I've always answered this question with a question, depending who's doing the asking.

If it's someone who I know already has living children then I simply ask them back, "if they've considered adopting" and go on to explain that adoption is a vocation that ANYONE can do, irrespective of whether they have children or not.

For everyone else I say, "when was the last time you knew of someone who gave their baby up for adoption? Young single mothers *keep * their babies now" This usually gets them thinking! Bearing in mind that I have a loft full of baby equipment which we'd bought for Ben but were never able to use, we were hardly wanting to adopt a teenager were we?

I must admit I get really annoyed when someone suggests that old chestnut, "that now I've been pregnant through IVF it might happen naturally..." I usually give them a curt reply, "Oh really? I didn't realise that my pregnancy could magically improve my dh's sperm quality..."

TBH, most people have been quite sensitive since we lost Ben.


----------



## melanieb

fab thread!!!

Helen - i understand where your coming from with your post. im a midwife and i face the same everyday too! 

i have a 13 year old and my husband has a 24 year old.  so i get told things like.........

well, its not like you dont have any children. (yes i am blessed but i love my husband dearly and would love to have a child with him!)
wait for grandchildren!    (im 35)
oohhhhhh well you can look after our kids whenever you like! (yep ... that helps) 
well, you have a godaughter (shes beautiful... not quite the same)
have you tried to adopt (not a human .... no... but thanks anyway)
its a big age gap since you had your daughter (yes i know ... i live with her)
your free now your daughters 13 why would you want to start again........ MMMMMMmmmmmmm


love and best wishes to everyone and there tx

melanieb xxx


----------



## rushdengal

Hi,

thanks for the suggestions.  Now when someone tells me to just go get drunk and have sex, I'll ask then why i didn't already have 10 children, may make me sound like a slapper but its better than wanting to slap then!  Consultant appointment tomorrow to start IUI hopefully, wish me luck.

Helen x


----------



## Lentil

I know what you all mean....well after the last 2 weeks of hard partying, relaxing and drinking I must be expecting triplets at the very least! 
Love to all
xxxx


----------



## emmaboo73

rushdengel   lots of luck to you.

mousky and kitten77 - doggie found safe this afternoon - big relief -  

back to worrying about ED and tx now!

x


----------



## Mousky

emmaboo - great to hear about your dog!   now it's my turn to worry about mine. He needs to have his milk teeth removed but must be sedated for the procedure and I hate it! He's so tiny! Just want it to be tomorrow already so we can get over with it!  

melanieb - why would anyone make remarks like these??  

Best wishes for everyone!

Mousky xx


----------



## emmaboo73

oh mousky that sounds painful, why has he got to have that done - are they just nor dropping out on their own?  We have had to sedate our cat on long journeys - but not anymore - they look so disorientated don't they - poor things.  Well   for puppy's op.
x


----------



## kitten77

oh brill found your baby doggy!!!!! so pleased!!!

my little kitty has gone in to have his teeth done today, poor mite, he doesnt do well on anesthetic, so im really worried, just waiting for the phone call to when i can go and pick him up....its gonna drag.


----------



## lornam41

Hi been reading back some of the posts and can totally relate.

After my last BFN from IVF my mil said to me 'maybe your trying too hard'  eh how much harder can I try  

During my FET 2ww a colleague whose daughter was driving her mad said 'are you really sure you want to do this, cos sometimes I wish I hadn't'  after I returned to the office I could bearly look at her let alone talk to her.

most people are totally supportive and helpful but sometimes people can say some really stupid things - mainly because they haven't been through this rollercoaster nightmare.  

take care
Lorna 
x


----------



## Miki D

Hi all,

Just had my 2nd bfn this morning.

I'm sure this one is already on here but I was told the other day to "stick your legs in the air after sex, it worked for us first time"!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr     

I know people mean well and it's just that they don't understand, it's so frustrating!

Miki
x


----------



## Lentil

Miki I am sorry you had a BFN     its so bloody unfair xxxx


----------



## Pinky3

Miki  

Just remembered what FIL said to us after we described our TX 'well i perfer doing it the old fashioned way'   couldn't quite bring myself to say i perfer having sex with your son, reather than having injections and operations....


----------



## kitten77

pinky - you sooooo should have!!!!


----------



## Mousky

Hello girls,

Miki - really sorry about your bfn. Sometimes it just doesn't look like it''ll get easier, eh? Take care!  

Lorna - I see/read about people doing bizarre things to their kids. And then I think about all the shots, tests painful things we go through with tx and I can't really understand. But maybe I'm not supposed to...  

We just came back from the vet and our yorkie is ok but still very sleepy. They removed 8 teeth!  
How's your kitty, kitten?

 to all.

Mousky xx


----------



## kitten77

im glad you have your baby puppy home. 8!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! poor little mite. hope you are pampering him.

heard nothing from our vets yet, said to phone at 3 if heard nothing. all i think is no news is good news!


----------



## Clomidia

wow, I love this thread - I have felt   and   and    reading it (and sometimes   ) 

I've had all the usual comments; relax; it'll happen when you least expect it; what's for you won't pass you; you'll have twins because the fortune teller said so, so stop worrying; have you thought about adoption     

I have a friend who keeps trying to put me together with HER friend because that person adopted after a failed IVF. Ehh, hello, we have NOTHING else in common apart from failed ivf cycles, and I'm not sure I even really like her, so can you stop throwing up together at every party/dinner?   

Our worst experience though was the day after my hsg - a couple of years ago - we'd been ttc about 18 months then and everything felt so raw (oh, so LONG ago now, but at the beginning you really DON'T understand why you can't just get pg like everyone else, I think). Well, I was really quite upset because the doc said it looked like one of my tubes was blocked during the procedure. I emailed our friends that we were supposed to be meeting for dinner the following night, and told them the bad news, and sort of gave them an 'out' as I wasn't really up to getting together, but didn't feel I could cancel at the last minute. My friend said "oh don't worry, come anyway, we haven't seen you in ages, and we'll have a good time!"  So off we trot, me and dh still reeling from the hsg news, and we were staying over as they lived MILES away. 

We got there, unpacked, came downstairs for drinks and our friend says "I have news!!" with a BIG SMILE on her face. Yep, you guessed it. She hands me a piece of paper.... Yep, it's a SCAN photo of her 12-week baby... 

DH was peering over my shoulder going, "what is it?" and I just had to plaster a smile on my face and say "it's a baby!" Both of us felt terrible. And we had to make all the right noises. 

And then spend the rest of the evening listening to her complain about how nothing fit her anymore...


----------



## LuuLuu

Clomidia - I just can't believe that - that's the worst!!!  How little tact!!!


----------



## Lentil

Clomidia - thats got to be one of the worst most insensitive things imaginable. I am sorry you experienced that. I had a similar thing 2 weeks after mmc but at least the people concerned didnt know about what had happened.    
L
xxx


----------



## emmaboo73

Miki - sorry about your news - really unfair 
Clomidia - that is the worst - esp if she knew. 
Kitten77 - have you picked kitty up?
Mousky - ouch 8 teeth - poor thing.

Just found out 2 more friends are pg today - its like an avalanche.


xx


----------



## Mousky

Clomidia, I agree with the others, that's one of the worst stories I've seen on this thread! Could you keep the friendship?  



Mousky xx


----------



## lornam41

Clomidia:  I also agree with others, that is just awful,  well done you for keeping you dignity and cool, not sure I could have, ru still friends?

Mousky:  I  work within childcare / education and see and hear some terrible things that parents do also, also the ones who just keep having children, then either SW pass them to us and or the children are taken into care, so frustrating.

lorna
xx


----------



## Pinky3

Clomidia  - some people have no idea   i love your name by the way, DH and I want to have twin girls called Clomidia and Clitoris


----------



## Betty-Boo

Clomidia - that is terrible         god some people!!! I could bang their heads against brick walls!!!  With pleasure!!!
Mini x x


----------



## kitten77

OMG how can a 'friend' do that!!!! well done on keeping your cool. my heart sank reading that, as been there many times before. 

oh and kitty is fine, picked him up as half 3, and he was the hungrest kitty ever!!! made DH stay off work with him today to look after him!! (yes he is our furbaby and is spoilt)

oh and i have to spend the day with evil SIL tomorrow, wonder how many times she will tell me how easily she got pregnant, and how it would be so nice if we had our own child instead of having to take our newphew (taking my brothers little boy). and she pretends hes ours!!!!


----------



## Miki D

Morning ladies,

Thanks so much for all your kind words    it really helps  

I had a few glasses of wine last night, bit naughty I know but it's been soo long since I last had a drink, felt quite good actually  

It amazes me the things people say and how insensitive they can be to our situations. Glad this thread was started, it's good to get these things off our chests!!!!    

My FIL's response when we told him we were having IVF was "...ooh great, you'll be having 15 kids then"...no I didn't understand where that response came from either!!

Think I'm going to go out today, somewhere nice in the country to get away from it all.

I see a few of you have pets, I'm definitely getting a puppy (or 2!), I love dogs and I really think it will help.

Miki
x


----------



## kitten77

glad you enjoyed the drink. 

haha that reminded me, last year while i was down regging i went to a wedding, my bil got really drunk and ended up saying rather loudly, that he was glad we were having ivf as means we will have twins!!!! WTF!!! (he ment it in a nice way...if there is a nice way) - but just goes to show that people think that ivf automatcially means baby - when as we all know to well it doesnt.  

enjoy your day in the country, hope the weather stays nice.  - i also want a dog, a little handbad dog, smaller than my cat, but my cat wont have it! he owns us and the house! teehee.


----------



## H&amp;P

My MIL is convinced we will have twins as a psychic told her ages ago she would have 3 grandchildren, I keep telling her it could be her daughter (not her son & I) that has another 2 as she is only in her early 30's...


----------



## Mousky

Hi girls,

kitten - glad to know you're kitty is ok!   btw, our dog is very small and has his own bag. We often fly transatlantic and he goes with us, sleeps for the whole 11 hours.   We're spending some time at PILs and they have a cat. In the beginning it was tense but now they play together all the time.  

Miki - hope you're feeling more relaxed after the wine.   Btw, if you like pets, go for it! I always had cats/dogs but this is DH's first dog and we love him to death! I must honestly say that when I'm feeling down he makes the difference.  

re people thinking IVF = Baby(ies) I couldn't agree more! Once I told a friend (who didn't know we're on tx) that I thought my ovaries weren't so good. She obviously meant well but said "that's what doctors are for". Yes, it's that easy!   Also, my dermatologist's assistant (who knew about tx) said something like "oh lovely you're doing IVF, you can have twins or even triplets". 

People just have no clue!  

 Driver.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Mousky xx


----------



## Cazne

Hi folks, I've just thought of another one:  when I told my boss that we are having IVF he said: 'congratulations!'  I felt a bit tragic and it must have showed because he went on to say - 'I say that because now you will have twins - two for the price of one'.

He actually didn't mean to be horrible and he is very sympathetic to the whole process, but it just goes to show how people who don't have these problems have no idea at all...

Cx


----------



## GirlGamer

when i was having my tx i had a few comments about twins, negative ones! "oooooo i couldnt bear the thought of twins" "lets hope u dont get twins" "wot u gunna do if its twins" "itll be really hard work" the list goes on  
have had why not just adopt insted of treatment. and i had one girl normally was able to choose wot month to have her baby on, on this occasion had tried for 3 months for another child, said to me once, while knowing i had ivf coming up said " i think il probably need ivf as its been 3 months now and nothings happened   think i might go to the docs and tell him ive been trying for 12 months see if i can get it" and got preg next month.
have always hated all the comments about my DD being an only child too, and when i do talk about my conception i ALWAYS tell the person how hard to was getting her, how i waited nearly 3 years to have her here, how grateful i am
clomidia i cudnt believe that happened to u   i said on one of these posts how i had to sit thru my bro talking for over an hour about his up and coming fatherhood and see the scan ppics for him to say at the end that i was too old to be a mum now   they have no idea
have a nice weekend everyone x


----------



## Clomidia

Thanks girls... there was me thinking I was just over-sensitive for being upset about it all this time   

I was more worried about dh at the time though as he just wasn't expecting it at all - but he said afterwards he was worried about me. As for our friendship, well, we left very early the next morning (snuck out practically!), then the following week I sent a polite thank you card, then we didn't speak for a while. I didn't make an effort to write or call her, just left it open, so to speak. Next thing I got an email from her - well, I was copied into a large group email - that was all about their 2nd scan. She talked about how the head was the right size, the legs were a bit too short ("just like daddy!"), arms were this length ("just like mummy!"), blah, blah, blah... so after that, I didn't contact her any more. I guess I felt she REALLY didn't get where I was at, and I was too hurt to try to explain it. 

Miki, sorry about your bfn    Take care of yourself. 

Pinky -that's hilarious! Love your girls names!    (called after me of course!)

Cazne, sorry about your boss! I guess he meant well but bless, they haven't a clue, have they?   

Mini, please feel free  to     I wish I could have! 

Driver, my mother also thinks we'll have twins as the fortune teller told my sister that "her sister" would have twins. Thing is, there are four blooming girls in our family even if it WAS true!  

I've also had loads of comments about twins/triplets when we did ivf. My very sweet cousin even said imagine we had four babies when I told him we'd four embryos - bless, he didn't understand and it wasn't malicious or hurtful at all. Funny thing is, we do KNOW people it did work for, which is what hurts I guess. I have friends expecting triplets, and another expecting twins, both later this year. And I just keep asking myself WHEN is it going to be our turn... I guess we all ask ourselves that though, don't we? 

Everyone, hugs to you all   

PS We have a dog too - couldn't have gotten through all the stress of the negative cycles without him I think...


----------



## Pinky3

Clomidia - Yeeeaaaahhhh Pets   they are the best


----------



## scruffyjack

Hi ladies just thought i would add a couple of comments i have had.

At our nieces christening from BIL whose baby was christened, DH was having a drink for the first time in ages and was told that if you want a baby you should knock that on the head. What!!! Thanks for that, you smug git!! We don't see him very often but knows whats happening.
From my supposed best friend  who has 2 kiddlywinks - well worse things happen to people. Yes i know but does that make things any easier - no.
From BIL's grandfather in law - whilst holding my niece- that will be you soon, I hear you're pregnant. Our last treatment had failed the day before. No im not. DH hit the roof later and had words with brother as to why grandfather would ask me that. Apparently he mistook me for a family friendwho was  heavily pregnant. We didn't believe this as he has known me for at least 5 years. We think someone had talked about us and was trying to dig themselves out of a very big hole with this explanation.
And in the last week :
From other BIL- I wish I had someone to call me uncle -erm you do was my reply- yes i know but you know what i mean. Well i do now. Another person who knows whats happening.
And our friend who is pregnant was telling me about her ailments and morning sickness and then said heres me moaning about being pregnant and i bet you would kill to be in my shoes - yes,yes,yes
Is it just me or do you sometimes wish people would think before they spoke x


----------



## Lentil

A friend I went to visit holding her 5 month old beautiful baby boy 'i cant believe I got YOU when I asked for a girl'.....yep she was pg 1st month of trying.....


----------



## LuuLuu

Lentil - unbelievable!!!  Like it's that easy!!!


----------



## Lentil

and she knows our situation too! I know she didnt mean it in a bad way but THINK people THINK!!!!!
xxx


----------



## LuuLuu

I wonder if they think later - 'Oh man - why did I say that!!!'  Doesn't help though!!!


----------



## clogs

The most stupid one was a friend who knows I have had several ops-and have been going through fertility treatment said:

"You will never know true love if you don't have children"

My Mum  "I always had a feeling since you were very young that you would have a real problem having kids"

My Mum certainly wasn't thinking but I think the fren-enemy above unfortunately knew exactly what she was saying.

The other classic"some people just aren't meant to have children"

"Are you doing it properly" No I feel like saying he sticks it in my ear!!!!

You have to laugh or cry or both.

Love Cxxx


----------



## kitten77

clogs - that reminds me of someone who said to me once 'are you sure your doing it right' and with a stright face i said 'hummm.....maybe, not sure....its gotta go up the pooper hole right....oh hold on thats where we are going wrong' - and walked off - do they think we are idiots!!!!


----------



## Lentil

are you doing it properly!! did someone really say that!!


----------



## kitten77

lentil - also had my ever so lovely SIL in (not) say to other sil new born - oh dont worry i know you would want a girl like me, but you can easily try again soon as we are fertile, while looking at me- WTF!!!!!!! thanks for that!


----------



## Lentil

honestly its just so bl**dy dense of them!! 
   all round
xxxx


----------



## clogs

Kitten your sister in law sounds like a super *****!!!! She may be fertile but I don't think any reasonable man would want to be with her!!!

There is a breed of smug women I find who want to tell you about all the rewards of motherhood and change over night when they have kids from being a laugh, enjoying a drink to saying things like "Do you think you should have a glass of wine if you want kids?" If I hadn't had a glass of wine since I've been trying I would have been tea total for 7 years-should this extend to caffeine and sea food. I mean it is not as though I am a dribbling wreck in the corner, a glass of wine with dinner truly is not my problem.

Sister in law didn't want my husband to hold her baby as "he is very big and hasn't handled his own kids". Dahh we don't have any!!!!! I must tell DH to stop going around crushing new borns with his super human strength!!!!!

I think we should write a book.

Love Cx


----------



## LuuLuu

Clogs - my friends' Mum said she'd never let anyone look after her children/ grandchildren who weren't mothers themselves - that made me feel good!!!


----------



## Mousky

Un  believable!
These stories.
They keep getting worse!


----------



## Lentil

LuuLuu - I have heard that one


----------



## Pinky3

Clogs - i nearly spat my sandwich out reading.... "Are you doing it properly" No I feel like saying he sticks it in my ear!!!!


----------



## clogs

I am being serious, but what is hard to believe is so are they!!!

Another friend well if you use ovulation kits you can't fail..... really, well I am a reproductive achiever but will work harder to improve my grades.

This site is really good it almost makes them laughable!!!!

Cx


----------



## kitten77

if you didnt laugh you would cry!


----------



## melanieb

hey!
i'd just like to inform you all that my mum (bless her) has been able to solve all of our fertility issues...
Apparently what we need to do is move house! its as simple as that. 
According to my mum theres a saying "new house new baby" 
so quick rush out everyone and get those mortgages ............................................... 
bless her heart!  i know she means well 

take care 
melnaieb xx


----------



## Kitten 80

Hello sorry to interupt but I have tryed moving house twice   still no baby.

Kitten


----------



## Lentil

Me too - 3 house moves in last 14 months. I know why now......

well I am a bit shell shocked but to let you all know I had a call from Dr Bernabeu at Instituto Bernabeu a couple of hours ago with out Kariotype results. Its not good news.

Basically they have found that i have a rare genetice problem which means i have high levels of Chromatine in one of my Chromosomes and would you know it its the one which causes miscarriage, failure to implant and poor quality embryo's.

DONT panic please anyone as he said it is unusual and quite rare and something that in 16 years he has only come across a couple of times.

Trust me to be different - the odds of having a child with tx with my own eggs are very slim and we would have to do PGD He has recommended that as the odds of success with this are not good that we have the alternative option now of using Donor Eggs.

I am so happy to have closure and know that I need no go through the crazy pg symptom spotting every 5 - 6 weeks prior to AF and also very sad at the same time. I havent really cried but I keep welling up and I cracked a joke at lunchtime and laughed but loads of tears came out. I just got away with it though as it just looked like I had laughed way too much at my own joke. 

So, DH and I have briefly chatted and its a big step but I cant face not trying the DE route as I want to be pg and give birth and give DH a baby as best I can. Looks like we are going to have to dig even deeper now. I dont know if we will make it for October but probably have to save more money and look at 2010 now. 

Who would have known it - certainly its something I never imagined I would have to deal with.

Love Light babydust all round - I hope you all get your dreams.
L
xxxx


----------



## kitten77

oh lentil -      like you said tho, there is closer in there, and now know you need to go down other routes instead of endlessly trying ivf with little hope, least you know!!

you can now start looking at the other options you have just mentioned and see where you go from there.

hugs hunxx


----------



## clogs

Lentil I am so sorry to hear your news, but don't give up hope, save up the money for your treatment and I hope you can find a donor quickly. I have everything crossed for you and think you are being very brave. Laughing and crying help I think. I certainly know that without both I may have been in a straight jacket by now!!!

My husband keeps saying we should move now I know why. I will get the agents in immediately sounds like a plan.

Love and a hug to you

Cxxxxx


----------



## clogs

Just another vent:- I have not had enough of this one yet. My Little sis had an abortion three months before her fairytale white wedding back end of last year saying they couldn't afford a baby, nothing to do with spoiling her wedding. This year they have been living with us for six months and are worse off as they are about to sign for their own home. She has seen me go through IVF since she moved in OHSS and then a fibroid op and being told I will have to wait another year and then announces she is pregnant!!! Couldn't she have waited a few weeks to conceive under her own roof now baby baby sickness back ache 24/7 and I am still their full time maid and bottle washer. I know she was actively trying as left pregucare all over the bathroom!! Subtle I say


----------



## Kitten 80

Thats so horrible has she no feelings for you at all I would go mad.

Kitten


----------



## kitten77

seriously - i take my hat off to you for not blowing up at her!!!! dont know if i could be so calm!!!! 


oh and i remembered something that FIL said to DH the other week he said "why dont you let your brother 'have a go on her' (meaning me), least the child would look like you" - speechless!  (Kooymare, if your reading this dont repeat this to anyone as DH would hate to know i told people that! as its not something you want people knowing your dad said, and one that SIL would have a field day on dont cha think! thanks.)


----------



## clogs

Kitten that is just the grossest thing I have heard. What did DH say?

I am quite calm and usually v close to my sis, but the past six months they have been living rent and expenses free drinking like fish and watching me do all the work.Even when I was laid up after the op they didn't cook one meal. Have never run the hoover over....staggering really hard to believe we have been brought up the same.

I will still love her and the baby when it arrives, but her DH may take a little longer.

Cxxx


----------



## Kitten 80

Oh Kitten77 thats just horrible did you slap him because I would thats not only discusting its disrespectful to you I feel for you.

Kitten80


----------



## Pinky3

Kitten - i think that one wins the prize for the worst thing i've ever heard


----------



## Betty-Boo

OMG kitten - that's terrible


----------



## Mousky

Lentil -    Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide!  

Clogs - what can I say?  

kitten -    I'm also interested on your DHs reaction!

On the moving houses, we've moved so often in the past few years. We should have 5 kids by now!  

Mousky xx


----------



## kitten77

well DH reaction was one of horror, disbelief that he just said it, and one of are you mad. lucky i wasnt there, but even if we did need donor sperm his brother would be the last person we would ask!!!! (he is married to the evil SIL i have, god im painting a very bad picture of DH family, seriously they are nice, just some comments are unbelieveable).

it still makes us smile when we joke about it. how can a father say that to his son!!!! and why would i want to be 'have a go' on!!!!


----------



## kitten77

just realised im winning on the 'worst thing that people have heard' - i never win anything! hahahaha


----------



## clogs

That is just the worst thing I have heard. Families are weird and inlaws well that is a whole new ball game. You're a winner? Is there a prize on here?

Cxxx


----------



## kitten77

Pinky said that wins first prize!!! hahaha!


----------



## Clomidia

Kitten I'm just      at your/dh's dad's comments?! 'have a go' on her?! WTF??! 

Clogs, sorry to hear about your S/BIL.   for them for not helping out more, especially when you were poorly 

Lentil, sorry to hear your news


----------



## Candee

Kitten I agree that you are the winner   What a moron you FIL sounds like! Mind you, to be the winner on here, it needed to be REALLY terrible!
Hugs to all of us!
Candee
x


----------



## Mousky

Candee   on your     

TBH, I think our marriage wouldn't have survived if my in-laws would know about tx. We come from totally different backgrounds and we've already had many disagreements. I think you're all very brave to share this info with your families and friends. 

 to all.

Mousky xx


----------



## Candee

Thanks Mousky hunny! 
I still can't believe it! So excited and also so terrified!
Candee
x


----------



## Kookymare

LO Kitten 77

Was just feeling sorry for myself and all the rubbish things people say to me after having another neg cycle, you know..... " you'll get pg on holiday"; " When god will's  it"; " it'll happen after you stop IVF" etc. WHEN I saw your post re. FIL 
WHAT is wrong with theses people.
  Remember when I cried in your kitchen after hearing what MIL said to you re caravan holiday, well I just cried again   
Yeah you win, just let me at them   .

                      Luv ya 
                              Kookymare x


----------



## kitten77

hey kookymare, 

soz to hear about your negative, didnt wanna bug ya as know what it is like with people texting etc. pop over this week, is DH going to footy training on thur? if so? pop up if you like or i can pop down?

hahaha, can you believe he said that!!!! DH was shocked to say the least!  

yep i can remember in my kitchen, everyone walked in and just walked out again thinking two mad women were crying like loons at the table.  

dont cry hun, at least not for me, these insensitive people dont deseve our tears, dry those eyes hun, give your kittys a cuddle and smile.....remember hope is like a bird who senses the dawn and starts to sing while its still dark..... they know it will come, dawn is just around the corner.....we will get there babe.


----------



## Han72

kitten77 said:


> dont cry hun, at least not for me, these insensitive people dont deseve our tears, dry those eyes hun, give your kittys a cuddle and smile.....remember hope is like a bird who senses the dawn and starts to sing while its still dark..... they know it will come, dawn is just around the corner.....we will get there babe.


Aww that's beautiful...    to you hon!

xxx


----------



## beachgirl

Hello...just wanted to say I'll be modding you from now on (well, after my holiday) so will be back next Friday and hope to get to know you all x


----------



## charlie_44

Hiya, hope you're all well everyone  

I can't beat Kitten's   (unbelieveable by the way   ) but here's another though some of you may have heard this one or similar.

I was visiting my cousins new tiny baby girl recently when his girlfriend announced to my cousin that you have to be a real man for his sperm to make a daughter.  I was so glad my lovely hubby wasn't there as we are having to use donor sperm.  People just haven't a clue!

 to all

love Charlie x


----------



## kitten77

well charlie, it makes a real man to go thro all of this!!!!!  

some people are unbelieveable!!!


----------



## charlie61

I was telling someone i met at pregnancy pilates that we had to have fertility tx and she said 'oh is that because of your age?'  I'm only 32 and she is 30!!!!!


----------



## charlie_44

Yeah that's so true Kitten, I couldn't go through it with anyone but my DH - he's definately my calming influence.

It definately makes us all stronger


----------



## charlie_44

Wow Charlie61, the grand old age of 32  

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you must be absolutely thrilled


----------



## Lentil

charlie61 said:


> I was telling someone i met at pregnancy pilates that we had to have fertility tx and she said 'oh is that because of your age?' I'm only 32 and she is 30!!!!!


sorry but what a stupid cow!!


----------



## shortie66

I agree with lentil stupiidddd cow needs milking


----------



## Betty-Boo

Yep def a stupid cow .... what ever next!!!


----------



## the bean

How about "everything happens for a reason" and "at least you have got another go"

Annoying


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

ooohhh bean - I got the "everthing happens ..." line after my ectopic - obviously I found it very hard to believe that there was reason for losing my baby and a tube


----------



## Kitten 80

Sorry for butting in but I had the same comment after my ectopic and even now when I told them the remaining tube is damedged


----------



## Han72

slycett said:


> I agree with lentil stupiidddd cow needs milking


  I've never heard that one before Kate!

Hmm the next person that tells me "everything happens for a reason" is likely to get a smack in the gob. Then they can go away and philosophise on the reason why I clouted them...

I forgot the lovely nurse at the ARGC who was only trying to make me feel better but made the mistake of mentioning "mother nature" to me when my HCG level had dropped into negative territory following a chemical pregnancy. If I recall correctly, my response was "mother nature is a f  g b  h!" And that was _after _ I'd counted to 10! But COME ON!!! If I gave a flyer about mother nature, would I really be having IVF? Seriously?!

xxx


----------



## Mousky

Hey hey,

I'm still following the thread and this absurd.
I must honestly say some make me laugh.

Nix, I'm with you on the mother nature  

 for everyone.

Mousky xx


----------



## Alidoll

Had a couple from neighbours over the years;

"Um, you've been married for X years and STILL not the patter of tiny feet...you Mum would love to be a grandmother don't you know". 

"oh, you don't want to be a geriatric mother do you?" (this one was from my MUM of all people!!  shut her up slightly when I told her we HAD been trying and had been at the hospital for tests etc..after that she was fine.

Any consolation - even if after one abandoned IVF and a successful round you DO get a positive, the comments don't stop there....

"oh, isn't she a bit old to start a family NOW?" (from a neighbour of my parents).

And on a similar note...

"so...what age is she now...38...she's left it a bit late for brothers and sisters hasn' she?" 

Then there's;

"About time too - was beginning to think she was faulty or something" (SORRY - and it has WHAT to do with you?!).


----------



## Lentil

honestly


----------



## BudgieSeed

Nix as far as I'm concerned mother nature can kiss my     .  If she was any sort of woman she wouldn't have made me infertile but instead my older sister with 7 kids to 6 different fathers who is a pretty crappy mother.  In fact, pretty crappy is putting it mildly.

Alidoll, those are terrible.  Some people, honestly


----------



## the_gruffalo

I love this thread!

After my ectopic I got the 'it's happened for a reason' too.  Three years later still trying to work that one out.

Ectopic happened 2 days before Christmas so phoned MIL to let her know I was going to hospital but still to come for Christmas day as otherwise she would have been on her own.  She was, I suppose, only trying to be kind but kept saying 'I'll not bother coming' .  After 3rd attempt at me saying 'No, it's fine, come' I told her I didn't have time for this and put the phone down on her.  My SIL phoned my mum while I was in theatre to say her mum was really upset.  Boo hoo for poor little her!  

MIL did come for Christmas day- the day I came home from hospital- and couldn't understand why ectopic was all me and my mum spoke about for the WHOLE day.  She thought we were having a go at her.  She then had the cheek to say I was lucky she was giving me a second chance, as she doesn't usually do that (which explains why she doesn't speak to most of her family, only has a few friends and didn't even go to her own dad's funeral).  I told her that if she EVER behaved like that towards me again she'd never be back in my house which was a bit of a shock to her as I don't think anyone has stood up to her before.  Needless to say she has not been included in Christmas since and I very rarely invite her to stay (she has MS so can't just pop round, it's too far for her to come and go home in one day).  

My 'friend' phoned me the week after I got out of hospital after ectopic to tell me she was pregnant but was bleeding, although early scan showed she was still pregnant, and she 'couldn't believe the same thing had happened to us both'.  Ehm, it hasn't you dippy 
[email protected]*$&, you're still pregnant, I've lost my baby and my tube!  She also told me 2.5 years wasn't that long to be trying for a baby.  Oh no?  Think she got a bit of a shock when I suggested otherwise.  Haven't really spoken to her since.

My SIL (who has always been a total pain in the  ) sent me a late birthday card and, by way of apology wrote ' sorry this is so late, you know what it's like with 2 weans'.  Well no, quite clearly I don't!  When she moved from her tiny flat to her tiny house I was late with sending a card and wanted to write 'sorry this is late, you know how long it takes to clean a massive house' but resisted the temptation.

Ah, that feels better....


----------



## Mousky

Gilln, honestly  

Alidoll, why are they so worried about the other people's life??


----------



## Candee

[quote why are they so worried about the other people's life?? 
[/quote]

Exactly! And why is that with having babies people think they have the right to ask and say what they want... No-one would dream
of saying "Why are you still living in the same little house, can't you afford a better one?!" Or "Why are you still doing the
same job, why haven't you been promoted?" And yet family/friends/neighbours/Uncle Tom Cobbley and all feel free to say
what they want about having a family. I have endured years of "hurry up - if you don't meet Mr Right soon, you will have
missed the boat..." And from a "friend", who has three wonderful children, when I was 39 and increasingly panicking about
everything, "Tick Tock, Tick Tock! That's the sound of your biological clock - can't you hear it?!"
What gives with these people?!
  
Candee
x


----------



## joeyrella

my favourites have been:

from a former close friend who now has two children (but to be fair has had 5 miscarriages on the way, but still) - "oh i know what you mean, one time it took me six months to get pregnant and it was driving me mad!". same friend when i started tx "well at least now you will find out if you can have a baby, or just adopt". funny but during all the miscarriages it never occured to her to adopt so why assume that i would want to 'just adopt', and like it is just as easy as that.

from our fertility doctor when attempting to fob me off with yet more clomid when DH had just been diagnosed with low sperm count, she put on a big beaming smile and said - "well it only takes one!" how is _me_ taking clomid going to help my husband's problem? she said she couldn't understand what i meant and went off to phone someone for advice. had she just walked in off the street and pulled on a white coat or something?

from my MIL when DH told her we were having problems conceiving "well you can't leave her just because she can't give you children. you're married, you have to stick with it."

i over heard my own mother - "well i don't think joanne is going to bother with children now, too much hassle" why not just stamp on my heart and have done with it!


----------



## Mousky

Hey Joanne,

Are you really done with tx?
IF is hell and tx doesn't make it any better except when it works  

What sort of fertility doctor have you gone to?     And MILs usually are the champions on this thread. SILs as well   I'm glad mine know nothing about IF/TX.

Take care


----------



## beachgirl

I got told the other day in a roundabout way that because I'd stopped treatment then my need for a baby wasn't that great...


----------



## Han72

Hi Beachy  - seriously?! We can't win, can we? 

Joanne - she was a fertility doctor?!  It would almost be forgiveable if it has just been a GP but a fertility specialist  



Mousky said:


> And MILs usually are the champions on this thread. SILs as well


Oh definitely Mousky, my SIL (who is lovely btw) took a while but at least she eventually realised that continually telling us how she only had to look at her DH to get pregnant wasn't particularly tactful  As for MIL well I ain't even gonna go there 

xxx


----------



## Mousky

Nix - I think you should share   Believe it or not this all makes me     and I'm always so glad we decided not to tell anyone, specially ILs  


Beachgirl - I hope you haven't heard that one here   It's what we've talked about before. People think tx is so simple. You go there, take a few shots and come out with twins! I'm sure people don't even dream with EC! And all the rest we go through Piece of cake, isn't it?   

 to all.


----------



## Kitten 80

Hi peeps

I no this is a common one and you probably added this to the list but just this weekend I told AIL that we had a date for IVF and I'm so excited she said don't get your hope's up just relaxe I mean I wont to get excited its better than worrying about it and as for relaxing I think I have done enough of that and that don't make any difference when your not doing it yourself


----------



## joeyrella

Joanne - she was a fertility doctor?!  It would almost be forgiveable if it has just been a GP but a fertility specialist    

yes she was a fertility doctor, it was shocking!  there was a medical student in with us who didn't know where to look when the doctor went out to use the phone.  

always find the stupidest comments come from people who've also had problems conceiving.  my other friend who'd had a previous ectopic and lost a tube so took a while to conceive said to me 'well at least you're not 10 years older and trying..........'  how quickly people forget how hurtful stupid comments are.  what are you supposed to respond?  you're right its such a comfort to be infertile at 29?  

my nan also came out with a cracker.  she's just been diagnosed with arthritis so was in some pain at the time but said 'if you would just tell me you were pregnant i'd live to 100!'.


----------



## beachgirl

Mousky- yep it was from someone who's been through treatment successfully...


----------



## Happy Mummy

Beachgirl, Joeyrella, kitten,   

Future Mummy


----------



## Mousky

Beachgirl -              



Kitten -   again and honestly  

 to all.


----------



## Happy Mummy

Mousky,  

Future Mummy


----------



## chickypee

Hi ladies

I haven't posted on here before but this is such a great idea for a thread. Hope you don't mind me adding my experiences. 

I have a work colleague who got married the year after me and used to keep telling me how it got on her nerves that everyone was talking about babies, everyone seemed to be having babies and that she didn't want to hear about babies. I completely agreed with her, because at the time I think we were both ttc, with no luck, and baby talk upset us. But then, she got pregnant. Well the tables turned, and should I say, she turned...into a complete hypocrite!! In fact I'm sure she went out of her way to talk to me about being pregnant, just to see how much she could upset me.  

When she returned to work after having the baby "Oh I'm sooo tired, its really difficult looking after a baby aswell as working you know..." Oh dear, poor you..

She's one of those people who will turn any conversation into baby talk. I just mentioned the other day to my boss that it was really smelly outside because the farmers had been muck-spreading. She said "Oh that smell's nothing is it (boss), we know what its like to change pooey nappies don't we (boss), and thats a smell you never forget. In fact you can cope with any smell once you've changed a nappy, can't you (boss)" She said all this whilst laughing and avoiding my eye contact. Completely dismissing me from the conversation because obviously I can't relate to that as I've never changed a f...ing nappy. Why does she do it?? 

Now she has 2 kids. But the second one was no big deal because she'd done it all before .... And she's mentioned to hubby that they should try for number 3, but hubby says no. It doesn't matter though she's got time to change his mind, cos its so easy to get pregnant..... 

Only a couple of weeks ago my boss (who is male believe it or not) was sticking up for her saying "Oh it must be so hard for her having 2 kids to cope with, we only have one and its a struggle". I actually replied "Well why the hell did she have 2 then. She's planned it all and so shouldn't bloody moan about it". That shut him up. He's always moaning how tired he is because he's only had 2 hours sleep. I just look at him in bewilderment and say "You don't know how lucky you are".

He knows about our tx this time round. But when I told him he said "Oh but if you get pregnant, do you know there is only a slim chance you won't miscarry, my sister in law has miscarried 3 times now" - Yeh great! Thanks for the support!!  

and...

"being pregnant just creates a whole lot of worry you know, we had to go through all the tests for down syndrome and stuff, its really stressful" - Well firstly I would just love to get to that stage. And stress? Whats that? I'm only on my 2nd ICSI, of course I have no idea what stress is do I....... 

Oh and when I first told my best friend we had been ttc for a couple of years she said. "Oh yes I completely understand how you feel. It took me 3 months to get pregnant with Robert. It was awful having that feeling that it might never happen" .. Oh yes absolutely, you really do understand don't you !!!!

Gosh I'm sooo bitter!!

You know when I do get pregnant I'm not going to be one of those people who talk about babies all the time, because I know how much it hurts those people in the room who are quietly suffering. And also I promise never to moan about it either!!


----------



## emmaboo73

chickypea    your colleague sounds a nightmare.
  for 16th hun xx

The counsellor at the clinic just annoyed me, saying its wrong that people are just so impatient to get pg, mm well I guess 3.5 years is nothing is it!!


----------



## beachgirl

Chickypea    I totally understand where your coming from x


----------



## Han72

And she's a counsellor   

Chicky


----------



## Happy Mummy

Chickypee   

Emmaboo, she should change jobs!


----------



## Lentil

I just spoke to my Mum who is the only person aside from my Dad who knows re this tx and the very reason we havent told them before now realises itself. I am on 2ww after DE transfer and have OTD of 13th. ETwas yesterday. I have just been asked:

Are you taking it easy? erm yes except for the fact I have been skydiving this arvo.
You are knocking the alcohol on the head arent you? To which I had to say 'yes of course - I have only had one bottle of wine so far today'   
Are you eating enough? Nah thought I would start a low cal fad diet today.

Hello - Doesnt she even realise WE above all people KNOW what to and what not to do!!!!! AND have done as we should last 3 tx's and got BFN's but we now know tat I could have been wrapped in cottonwool and it would have still been BFN.        

L
xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## emmaboo73

wow Lentil - good luck for your OTD


----------



## chickypee

Talking about parents making sure you're doing the right things, I don't think my dad has quite got it right. My dad rang me yesterday, he knows about the tx, to ask me when my OTD was. (I've told him a million times, bless). Anyway then  he said "I'm going to order you a case of wine for Xmas but it should arrive in the next couple of weeks". I said "Lovely dad, except hopefully I won't be able to drink". Reply: "Don't worry. Paul (hubby) can drink it , or save it for me for when I come to stay"

Cheers dad!!

BTW - thanks for the good wishes ladies   

xx


----------



## Kitten 80

Chickypee   I have those sort of people all around and where I work there is PG lady's everywhere


----------



## MsAsian

Hi Everyone,

This thread has so many things that i can relate to and I am so sorry that all of us have to undergo these stupid comments given by stupid people.  

I have observed something, dont know whether you have observed this too. There are loads of people whom I know have conceived even before they TTC. But these people are somewhat less interested about "isnt it XX years since you married". On the other hand I know couple of people who TTC for years some ranging from 4-9 and finally got a baby. These people are always VERY interested to know what you are up to "after XX years of marriage". May be it is something to do with the culture because I am from an Asian origin.

Anyway, this is something happened to me. We had to visit my SIL's ILs for new year couple of years back. I never liked SIL's MIL in the first place and I know that she had tried for 6+ years to have his only son who is now married to my lovely SIL. Since we went there, she was praising my SIL (she had announced few days ago that she was pg) and was in a roundabout way saying that shouldn't her brother (my DH - 3 years elder to his younger sis) should have had a baby by then. We had been on clomoid for number of months even by then. This was in a family gathering and I wanted to reply to her with something nasty but I feared that would look bad on my SIL. Finally when we managed to get out of the house, in front of all others she announced that We (my DH and I) will be visiting her for next new year celebrations with our baby!!! Needless to say that it was the last time we visited her!

MsAsian


----------



## gerbinia

Hi Girls,

I hope you don't mind me joining you but I got a good one too.

My first IVF tx I was supposed to be egg sharing, me and DH decided not to tell anyone and hopefully have a nice surprise for the family. However things went bad I did not produce enough eggs to share and we ended up telling MIL desperate asking for help and also spoke to DH grand parents.
So anyway I carried on going to work and carried on with tx (very very Unfortunately I work in the same place were MIL works but we don't work together), so I speak to one of my mates at work and she could tell I was upset  and asked if she could help somehow I sort of told her about my IVF TX and I nearly fell over when she said she already knew!!!    Apparently my MIL has been telling people for month's (apparently straight after we first told her about IVF and that we were gonna do it some day), also people that have just started working at our place that me and DH are undergoing IVF sometime soon (she didn't know when we were gonna do it).
Now I after a while could somehow understand why in her sick head    
she would do it (tell 100 of people), maybe excitement about possibly becoming a grandparent yeah i can see that but now can anyone tell me why the  she also told everyone at *my* place of work that I was egg sharing!!!!!!!
I can't even begin to explain how embarrassed I felt.    All that sudden I clicked why I thought some people at work were looking at me funny. 
Me and DH have fallen out with MIL now can't trust her with anything, she never even apologized no she did one better than that she tried to make out I was having an affair with some guy at work. (yeah right I go home at night and inject myself trying to have her son's baby whilst getting it off at work with someone else, I DON'T THINK SO.
I should tell you that my DH never had a very good relationship with his mother she never got on with any of his girlfriends so why should i be any different.

I feel better letting it out,

thank you girls

Nicole x


----------



## Mousky

Wow Nicole, sounds like you have a lovely MIL   
If it was up to me I would only tell PIL after the baby is born!
My MIL needs to share everything with her friends even when we ask her not to do it.
We actually eloped but told our parents and asked them not to tell anyone before the wedding itself. We had these beautiful announcement cards that should be sent (by parents) on the day. But guess what? She met some friends the night before and felt the need to share everything   we had some paper problems and almost didn't get married. How embarrassing would it have been?   We complained and she actually felt hurt!  
There's absolutely no   way I would tell them about tx. Every single person would know about our "problems"  

Anyways, sorry about your BFN  

Mousky xx


----------



## Han72

Rah!! These MILS  are 

MsA (Lovely to see you by the way  ) sorry your in-laws are giving you so much grief! Seems to be a recurring theme around here... 

Nicole - so sorry for your BFN hon   Hmm, it seems that not only do we share a first name but somehow it seems you've also got my mental MIL too!  My DH tells me she was a horror to ALL his girlfriends too but it still hurts doesn't it?!

Mousky - aaaand another one!  Jaysus, what IS it with MIL's?! 


I'm gonna share this story one more time (cos I went ooon and ooon about it at the time!) and then I have made a promise to myself to never mention it again to anybody. It's over and done with now but it hurt like hell at the time and it still upsets me to talk about it!  My MIL (surpriiiiiiise! ) has a bit of a temper on her. To put it mildly   The first time I met her,  DH and I had a row over something ridiculous, he walked out and she took great pleasure in cornering me and telling me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't good enough for her son etc...  Fast forward to the wedding 5 years later - she bawled her eyes out and refused to smile or stand next to anyone properly for any of the photos cos she was "losing a son", then proceeded to manufacture a row with her then partner (he's left her now, oddly enough  ) claiming that one of my cousins was flirting with him at the wedding - he was a 65 year old Frenchman, my cousin was 35, gorgeous, married with 2 kids and a devout Christian but MIL was insistent that my cuz was trying to get off with her man  ...  We've taken her on holiday with us, to the south of France, Barcelona, the States, Mauritius and Reunion, over to London when I go to visit my family and everytime she kicks off about SOMETHING!!!  Ok so that's just a bit of background info to let you know the kind of person I'm dealing with here! 

Aaanyhoo,  I moved to France with DH so (among other reasons) he could be closer to his mum. (DOH!  )  She came round to dinner one time, a couple of years ago, but just after she arrived, I got a call to tell me one of my fave Aunties who lives in the States had just died, so obviously I was a bit upset but I tried to keep it together and get the dinner ready etc.  She sat in the living room, drinking her "apero" which was a bloody strong rum cocktail then once the alcohol hit home and we sat down to dinner with me constantly disappearing to blow my nose and trying not to cry.  Then she started to get really stroppy. Accused me of avoiding her all evening,"Why didn't you come and have a drink with me?!" (er I was in the kitchen making the dinner) then it was "Why are you being so miserable anyway?" I was speechless so DH explained, once again, about my aunt to which the response was, "So what? Why is she making such a fuss, it was only her auntie!" WTF!!!  Then it was, "She's so fake anyway, she only pretends to like me really, she doesn't treat me the same way as she treats her own family, she's so two faced!" At which point I was stood there with my gob hanging open, DH told her to get her coat RIGHT NOW!!! so he could take her straight home, if that's how she wanted to behave. I insisted on going too cos I know DH has a temper on him too (can't imagine where he gets that from  ) and I wanted to try and keep the peace in the car. None of what she'd said had really sunk in as yet so all I wanted to do was make sure he took her home without saying something he would regret later.  Weeell, we get in the car and she's full-on ranting now, absolutely raving! I can't follow it all cos it's rapid fire French but clearly none of it is complimentary...  Eventually DH looks at her and says "Mum, you are really evil, you are rotten to the core, why are you so mean?!" So what does she do? Bearing in mind we're driving down the motorway at 60mph now....

She slaps him in the face and screeches "I hope you never have children!"

This is in the full knowledge that we were going thru IVF and we'd already had a couple of BFNs at that point.  I said something like "please stop, you don't mean that, you're just saying that cos you're angry" at which point she told me to "shut the f..k up, you're so full of sh1t!"  I was in total shock.  Poor DH was devastated, couldn't believe his own mother would say that.  I can't even remember the rest of the journey or the ride back home it's a total blank.  

She DID apologise...  eventually. Weeks later in fact and only after she'd tried to blag it and say she'd "misspoken" and she meant to say something else instead...  I didn't even see her for a year after that. I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive her. Not only was it a dig at me but she really REALLY hurt DH too.  She's very friendly and all the rest of it with me now but that incident is always in the back of my mind and I can't help thinking that even if it was the booze that made her kick off like that...  well they do say in vino veritas. I think that's what she really feels and thinks and the rest of the time, she just covers it up and pretends to like me and to care as to whether the IVF works or not.

So that's my nightmare MIL story!

Can we all make a pact?  WHEN we have our children and they grow up and find their partners, we will be the nicest, kindest MIL's ever!

xxx


----------



## Lentil

OMG Nix - Why didnt you stop the car and drop her off on the motorway right there and then!!! You are a saint!!!!!! 
xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

Nix     i like Lentil's thinking but why stop the car ... you could have just rolled her straight out of the moving vehicle and said you hadn't meant it


----------



## Betty-Boo

Nix agree with lentil!!      
What an evil woman!!!  Unfortunately some people are just pure evil - but we know that when our kids come to us in the future with their prospective partners ... we know how NOT to behave!!
My grandfather was a vicious man too.  My dad was supposed to have an arrange marriage - but met mum fell in love and got married.  Much against his families wishes.  I've got 2 younger brothers, one has downs and is so bloody gorgeous and my calming influence - Dad's father turned to my mum and dad and said that was my dad's punishment for not marrying who he wanted him to marry!!!  WTF!!  He was talking about his own grandchild - who would have loved him unconditionally.  So sad as that   (yeah he was supposed to be mygrandfather.... however...) missed out on knowing the most loving person I know.


----------



## Han72

aww mini -    you're right, your grandad missed out there! Why do people have to go there with the whole "it's a punishment" thing?!  I'm so glad that you're so close to your brother, sounds like you guys have a fab relationship 

Deedee and lentil   

xxx


----------



## Kitten 80

Nix   my MIL she is a pain but she is lovely she actually blamed her own son as to why we had not conceived   she explained that even tho she has step grandchildren she doesn't feel close love for them as much as she would her own and as she is a Mormon she is   that we succeed.


----------



## Mousky

Nix - my goodness! What a MIL you have. But I'm glad your DH stood up for you, most don't want to get in between  

Mini - agree with you. some people honestly... 

Lentil - congrats on your BFP  

Deedee and kitten -  

For the record, my MIL is not as evil as some of yours   I think she's just clumsy, a bit of a cultural thing (she's dutch) but we've had some problems in the beginning   I didn't want to confront her and DH didn't want to be in the middle. It was really bad. I do think my SIL is the worst (she's 34, absolutely single IYKWIM, overweighted, very unhappy). She actually told DH years ago he shouldn't be with me   and recently without knowing anything about IF/TX she said our dog was likely to be the only nephew she would ever get   still don't know where it came from   

Mousky


----------



## Lentil

Mousky said:


> Lentil - congrats on your BFP
> 
> Mousky


   OTD and bloods arent until tomorrow - Please tell me that you are psychic and this is true!! I have never seen this after my name before!!! Made my tummy do a somersault! Please let me get good news tomorrow


----------



## Mousky

Lentil - I feel so embarrassed now        I have no idea why I read it that way    I'm so      I've "seen" the right thing      and btw, I'm some sort of psychic, yes


----------



## Lentil

Mousky -     Dont be daft - no problem at all - I know you are just getting me ready for good news tomorrow thats all xxxxx


----------



## Han72

You know what Lentil, somehow to me, it seemed that I'd already heard your BFP announcement I nearly put my foot right in it on the multi thread     Hmmm, between Mousky and me, I sense a pattern here...


----------



## emmaboo73

Nix - OMG - that sounds a nightmare experience with your MIL.
 

xx


----------



## Kitten 80

I nearly did the same lady's untill I read the bottom   well fingers crossed and everything posible crossed for Lentil


----------



## Candee

These mother in law stories are so appalling that if you put them in a TV script, no-one would believe it!
I wonder what these MILs would say, if they could see their behaviour written down in black and white -
do you think they would be ashamed? They should be  
Big hugs    for all of you that have such terrible relatives!
Sometimes having been left on the shelf does not seem so bad after all   
Candee
x


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

Good luck for tomorrow Lentil - keeping everything crossed for you


----------



## Kitten 80

Have you all seen monster in law think thats brilliant obviously every story here is a lot worse.

My own Nan said to me once is this treatment all worth it now if she didn't have kids she would totally understand YES IT IS.

good luck lentil


----------



## gerbinia

*Mousky*  
- thank you my MIL makes me very scared, i never know what she is telling people at work about me or her own son. Are you sure we don't have the same MIL cause mine does not keep anything to herself even about herself which has been quiet embarrassing in the past. Talking about wedding day (what a nightmare by the way for you that is really sad) when me and DH had photos taken just after we came out the church we all stood in one line me DH MIL next to DH and baring in mind we just got married she took my arm which was around DH pushed it off him and looked at me and said get off he is mine, ha ha ha ha with a big smile on her face, DH did not hear that as the photographer was talking to him. I just looked at her and thought you sad cow. To be honest I didn't know what to say so I just got on with it.
Also when we asked her to come to ours when we told her about our first TX not going so well she gave me a £10 snowman and said "here I bought you this cause I thought You were gonna tell me that you're not able to give me my grandchildren". How nice of her I thought I am going through IVF which as anyone on here will know is very hard and sensitive and she gives me a [email protected]@@ing snowman   

*Nixf01* -   

OH MY GOD I know exactly how you must feel Hun what a [email protected]@ch, and yes you are right, even though she has been a complete  and  it hurts me very very much, cause when me and DH first got together me and MIL actually used to get on very well, but she was singel at the time and DH did warn me that she is different when she got a bloke and OH MY GOSH was he right!!!

Love 
Nicole x


----------



## BudgieSeed

OMG.  It's my mother who is the problem in my life not my MIL!  Especially re the sharing of TMI!


----------



## gerbinia

Budgieseed,

Oh Hunnie that is sh&t, sorry to hear that. What is her problem like?
   

Love 
Nicole x


----------



## BudgieSeed

Oh Nicole, don't worry, I've had plenty of years to get used to her 'specialness' shall we say to put it nicely.

I should never ever have told her about my fertility issues though, even though I said 'don't tell anyone' she just blabbed and blabbed and blabbed.

My darling dad passed away nearly two years ago and she's just been an even bigger nightmare since then.  So much so that we're currently not talking and I haven't told her about our upcoming treatment.  I'm actually okay with it.  She has cut off all her kids and isn't telling us what is going on, having moved in with some 82 yo man (she's nearly 72) into a big dump.  First I knew she'd moved out of her and Dad's was when I tried to call and the phone wasn't connected.  Soooo glad I live in London and she lives in NZ!

But that's okay, my lovely MIL more than makes up for it and I have another wonderful lady who is like my other mother (I kept her from a previous relationship  ).

But all that has nothing to do with the stupid things people say but boy it was nice to vent! 

Here's to all the idiots we have to put up with on this journey


----------



## gerbinia

BudgieSeed,

that sound's sad, you're in the same situ as my DH he knows what his mother is like and also knows that he can't change her. he say's it's her that is missing out in the end, I agree. He was brought up by his grandparents anyway cause his mother didn't bother much so he sees his Gran as his mum and I get on with her just fine, just every now and then I can see were DH mum gets it from but it's not as extreme and she also good a very very sweet side to her not like MIL she is pure evil  .
My mummy is fab and I love her to bits.

I wish you all the very very best and     for your tx, let us know how you're getting on 
good luck Hun     

love 
Nicole x


----------



## Happy Mummy

Hi all, 

Nix, your MIL  , I think you are doing very well the way you handle her. I don't think I would be that patient!



BudgieSeed said:


> Here's to all the idiots we have to put up with on this journey


  
Budgie, It is great that you have a wonderful MIL and also that another lady is close to you. 

Nicole, I can't believe your MIL behavior  

Mousky, 

Lentil, lots of    for tomorrow 

Future Mummy


----------



## Izzybear

OMG - Cant believe there are so many MIL horror stories on here.

Hope you don't mind me sharing mine.....not as bad as some but hurtful nonetheless

A couple of years ago we had arranged to all go out for Mothering Sunday, me & DH, My lovely mum MIL FIL & SIL&Her hubby.  
I had my first misc on the friday before Mothers day weekend so dispatched DH to PILs house to explain - they didnt know we were trying let alone pg.  MIL said "Oh so will you still be taking me out for Mothers day?"   

I couldnt believe it, my mum had been lovely and said don't worry I will come over and cook for you so that you don't have to worry about anything.

MIL is really tactless at the best of times and not exactly my best friend but that day she really   surpassed herself
Izzy


----------



## Klingon Princess

Not an MIL story I'm afraid but after my m/c at 5 1/2 weeks a few months ago it got round work (should never have got out of the office but a manager doesnt know how to keep her mouth shut) and one woman came up and said, "Oh well, you'll get over it, its not like it was a baby after all, it was just an egg"


----------



## Clomidia

OMG girls, I am so shocked at some of these stories. Big hugs to you all (I thought my stories were bad, some of these are far far worse!) 

I just remembered another one: my OWN Mother (not my MIL   ) was trying to be sympathetic about us ttc - it didn't exactly work tho as she was telling me all about how she thought she would NEVER get pg on my younger sister - it took eight whole months and it was awful... she really did know what we were going through... 

Yes, really... I did say eight months


----------



## Hollybags

What a fab thread! 

My worst comment was, unbelieveably, from the community midwife, who when I checked in after my much longed for ICSI BFP, said "Well you'll be under the consultant. I only deal with girls who got pregnant in the normal way."

I refused to see her after that. The f*wit.


----------



## Mousky

*Klingon *- just an egg??       I felt so bad for my embryo WHO didn't implant let alone a m/c  I'm trying to be zen and all but I think I would have punched someone if I would have been told that  

*Hollybags* - much better going to the consultant than to this lovely midwife I'm sure 

*Clomidia* - it seems like many women make this remark  They "totally" know what it must be like as it has taken them xx MONTHS to get pregnant (without any sort of treatment) 

*Izzy* - honestly?! 
*
Budgie* - it must be frustrating for you. It is for me. I mean my mother is great but I decided against telling her. I know she'll be hurt when she finally finds out but I just want to protect her from all this  don't want her going through the disappointments we go through everytime  I've almost told her a few times but I think it's better this way. Great to know you have "other moms" 

*Nicole* - your wedding story made me think about my lovely *not* SIL. When DH and I started dating she insisted in being all over him all the  time. I had to ask him to tell her it was inconvenient which he did. Needless to say SIL and MIL got very cross as I wasn't allowing some brother-sister TLC. Hello? 

*Candee* - DH confronted MIL on many nasty things she had said and she "couldn't remember having said any of it" or she "didn't mean it that way". Not so sure these lovely ladies would feel embarrassed on what they "clearly never said" 

*Kitten* - I love monster in law (really like Jane Fonda ) When the movie was out I was having a very hard time with MIL and would only refer to her as monster in law  Like I said it got better now but she still can't keep her mouth shut and still makes clumsy stupid remarks  I'm sure if she would know about tx I would have her killed   

*Lentil* - are you having a blood test?      

*FM* -  how are you?

 to all.

Mousky xx


----------



## gerbinia

Hi Girls,

I love this thread I think I could write a comment that came from MIL on here every day till at least 2050.
When I had my first ectopic pregnancy she sat on the sofa the day I came back from hospital feeling more sorry for herself. DH said it will be fine at least Nic will get better and still has her other tube and we will try again when Nic is ready. MIL replied to that " yeah but it was the first fertilised egg you can't get that back!"   
What can I say I felt like ..... I don't think I can even describe how much that hurt, think that was one of her most horrible, thoughtless    comments

*Lentil * - how was your test??    

*Hollybags* - Oh my god I think I would have punched her to be honest, how dare she 

*Clomidia* - yeah that must have been really hard 8 month oh dear, that' reminds me of another comment from by lovely MIL - I think I got pg in the first month with my second child - cheers I thought whilst I sat on the sofa after my second ectopic pg, still in pain from the op. 

*Izzybear* - that is the sort of comment mine would say, sorry Hun some MIL can only think of themself and I think this thread proves it very well 

*Mousky * - my exSIL used to be like that she was that pathetic it didn't even bother me as my ex DH just laughed at her knowing exactly what she was trying to do, didn't stop her though  , made me laugh

*Klingon* - again people like that just need punching on the nose   (more than once)

thank you all for sharing your story's it make's me feel a wee bit better about my  MIL

love to you all


----------



## Izzybear

Maybe we sould rename this thread in dedication to   MIL's   

Hope everyones ok
Izzy


----------



## LuuLuu

MIL's are definitely the worst!!!


----------



## Han72

Mousky said:


> *Candee* - DH confronted MIL on many nasty things she had said and she "couldn't remember having said any of it" or she "didn't mean it that way". Not so sure these lovely ladies would feel embarrassed on what they "clearly never said"


Now where have I heard that one before  Seems like the selective memory comes with the wedding invitation   



Izzybear said:


> Maybe we sould rename this thread in dedication to  MIL's


----------



## therulerette15

My doctor said the most unhelpful things when I went her for help at the beginning:

I told her we had been trying for 2 years with no joy and she said 'you just need to relax and not think about it and it will happen' - then I just kept thinking 'don't think about it' and I was back to thinking about it again.

I went back after trying for over 2.5 years and she referred me for tests at the hopital and she said ' some people find that once they have the appointment and know someone is looking into it, they find it just happens naturally' - that made me think about it more thinking 'we have the appointment so it's going to happen now' and obviously that makes me think about it more again.

Then I went back to ask her to refer me to a clinic for treatment and she had the cheek to say 'some people get reassurance from going to their initial consultation and find they just fall pregnant naturally as it takes the pressure of trying away' - I mean, this women has obviously never had this problem in her life and doesn't know what she's talking about!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thanks for listening


----------



## Kitten 80

They all say that its annoying because it does make you think even more like I am now as Ive just had AF and have AF symptoms again and they say you could be pg as the symptoms are the same I'm currently on IVF journey.


----------



## Mousky

Nix -  

Therulerette -  there. It was only a stupid dermatologist I went to who came with that  and went on and on about me being so young I had all the time in the world    Thank goodness I went to a gynae, told her I had this PCO diagnose for over 10 years and lied _a bit_ about the time we were actually ttc      She scanned me, confirmed what I'd said and sent me to the specialist. I felt so glad. I feared they were going to tell me to keep on trying. But when you don't know when AF is going to come, how can you plan anything if you don't even dream about ovulation??  

I'm not sure if there's any doctor around but I'm very curious. Don't all med students have to learn about fertility and it's complications/treatments Is it a more recent thing? I'm convinced that after a whole year of tests/tx and all the things I've read about I must know more than most GPs out there 

 to all.

Mousky


----------



## therulerette15

Hi Mousky - I know . . . it's so frustrating!!  Luckily I am now being treated by a really great clinic and am sitting here during my 2ww just praying that it is working!!


----------



## LuuLuu

Mousky - one of my friends is a GP and she said that they learn absolutely nothing about fertility in their training - even though she did her med practice in the Gynae Dept - what she has learned is through her own experience.


----------



## Mousky

LuuLuu - that explains it, then   So all those fancy fertility specialists we go to learn it on extensions/masters/residence? I'm going to see my regular gynae next week and I know I must tell her about tx but I'm so fearing she'll say something stupid.

Theruletette - when are you testing?


----------



## therulerette15

Hi Mousky, i'm testing on 24th.  Can't wait!! x


----------



## livity k

I totally agree about GP's- my GP is fab and very supportive but I have been very surprised by her lack of basic knowledge of IVF procedures- it hasn't been a prob as we went straight to our clinic- and self referred- but I imagine if you had been looking to the GP for basic knowledge you would have been left wanting....


----------



## charlie_44

Hi again girls  

Hope you're all doing ok  

I have a few more  

I was telling a friend about our situation and had the normal ooo's and ahhh's and that don't worry IVF would work then she said 'oh have you heard about such and such, she's just had a baby'  

My mum has said a few things over time.  When we first discovered we would need to use a donor we were devastated and just told our parents and siblings and told them to keep this to themselves.  My mum then went and told my aunty and when I hit the roof about it told me that she needed to talk to someone about it as she was upset!  (She has my dad.)  She has apologised but I can't totally forgive just yet as it's our information to tell.  

My mum again - I was telling her about the hot flushes from the drugs when she said well now you know how I feel - errrmm thanks for the sympathy    another time I was saying how unfair it was that I didn't know if I could attend a wedding that was coming up in case I had to go to the clinic that day and she told me it was our choice to do this - errmmm no it's not!   

And can i just ask something, for those of you who have brothers and sisters with children do you feel left out sometimes with them and your parents?  Just my mum and sister seem to arrange stuff then they let me in on it.  I tackled them today about feeling left out sometimes (my wise ole hubby says I do have a point it's not just hormones  ) but they said it's just down to how I'm feeling so now I feel even worse as it caused a huge row and i'm very close to them normally  

Sorry for the rambling rant I'm just having a really bad day   and needed to let off some steam!  

 to all


----------



## emmaboo73

charlie_44 -   for those thoughtless words from your mum.
Yes I agree with you about feeling left out..not for mum and siblings - just siblings amongst themselves - organising stuff without me...not said anything though - dont think it will do any good...

xx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Charlie - know what you mean - my mum told half the family - I went beserk!!! Parents!


----------



## Klingon Princess

Yourelucky it was just family your mum told, lol.... mine told the girl on the supermarket checkout and everyone at the church she goes to.. when I protested, she just said, "Oh but theyre all praying for you"  

I don't care if theyre praying for me, I didn't want them all to know!!!!!!!!


----------



## Betty-Boo

KP - parents eh!!!  I must admit I was livid to start with - really didn't want family knowing about IVF let alone having to use DE.  After my last failure with OE's mum went into drama queen mode and kept ringing me telling me she had to go and see a cousins new baby to 'get over' holding a baby!!  Err.... what about me??  I was livid tbh - it was suddenly all about her and her feelings.  Slowly though things have improved and she was a god send during my last DEIVF.
Congrats on your BFP honey x x


----------



## Mousky

Hey everyone,

As someone has already pointed out I guess sometimes people just don't know how to react. And tbh I've asked myself several times how I would have reacted to other peoples IF/TX news if I wouldn't have gone through it myself   Unless you've been there you don't really know what to say, do you?

We decided not to tell anyone. It's hard and I feel alone most of the time. No one to talk to except you ladies from FF. DH has mentioned that if we would need donated eggs/sperm/embryo we shouldn't tell anyone before the child would decide it was ok to "share". I think it's sensible but it's so difficult to keep something like this to yourself, isn't it?  

When I read your stories, I'm glad we could keep it as a secret so far   

Sending lots of   for those who need it.

Mousky xx


----------



## Lentil

gerbinia said:


> Hi Girls,
> 
> I love this thread I think I could write a comment that came from MIL on here every day till at least 2050.
> When I had my first ectopic pregnancy she sat on the sofa the day I came back from hospital feeling more sorry for herself. DH said it will be fine at least Nic will get better and still has her other tube and we will try again when Nic is ready. MIL replied to that " yeah but it was the first fertilised egg you can't get that back!"
> What can I say I felt like ..... I don't think I can even describe how much that hurt, think that was one of her most horrible, thoughtless    comments
> 
> *Lentil * - how was your test??


Hiya      BFP at v long last xxxxx


----------



## Happy Mummy

Hi girls, 

Lentil congratulations!  

Lots of   to everyone  

Future Mummy


----------



## Kitten 80

Congrats Lentil


----------



## gerbinia

*Lentil*

congratulations OH MY GOD that is fantastic    I am so happy for you
       

all the best for your pg I hope everything goes well for you

Love
Nicole x


----------



## beachgirl

Lentil - congratulations on your BFP x x x


----------



## charlie_44

Thanks girls it's lovely to have support on here, hope everyone's okay  

Big Congrats to Lentil


----------



## Lentil

Thanks ladies xxxxxx


----------



## Klingon Princess

Lentil.. congratulations, well done!!!!!!

Told my mum this morning that I am pregnant... can't really avoid it as she lives with us.  she just said, "Oh!  Well, I'm not getting my hopes up this time" and went back to getting ready to go to church.


----------



## Lentil

Klingon - First of all - Congrats!!   and secondly   from me to your Mum!!  
Take care of yourself and good luck xxxxx


----------



## Happy Mummy

Klingon Princess, congratulations honey   

Future Mummy


----------



## Mousky

Klingon - super   on your       Too bad your mother reacted this way. Hopefully she'll adjust soon and give you all the support you need  

Lentil - (again) doing a little dance for your BFP     

 to everyone else.

Mousky xx


----------



## charlie_44

Klingon - Congrats on your   (sorry missed that earlier!)     bleeding mothers eh


----------



## Kitten 80

Congrates Klington, and tell me what drugs is your mother on


----------



## Klingon Princess

turns out mum was right... have to go tell her now its over... hcg stopped rising


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

Klingon -       I hope your mom now gives you the support you need


----------



## Kitten 80

Oh hun Im so sorry   ake good care of yourself.


----------



## gerbinia

*Klingon*

hun i am so so so sorry       

Love 
Nicole x


----------



## teresa b

JuliaG said:


> We are sick and tired of people saying:
> 
> 'just relax and it will happen'
> 
> or those that give an example of those that tried for years and when they stopped it just happened
> 
> 'you are still so young don't worry about it'
> 
> 'isn't it like riding a horse, when you fall off you have to just get back on it again'
> 
> 'moving house is the most stressful thing you can do'   er i don't thing so try going through IVF
> 
> I totally agree with you when you are going through Ivf the last thing you want to hear is any of the above. And unless you have gone through it then you shouldn't comment, caus eit is absolutely sole destroying wanting something so bad and not beinfg able to get it through no fault of your own.
> The people who are lucky enough to jump in to bed and make babies have really should consider themselves lucky !!!
> I hear people saying oh the pregancy was horrid feeling sick all the time the labour was absolute agony you should think yourself lucky !!!! Well hey actually I consider myself extremely unlucky cause I would give anything to experience all of the above. The best was I find to describe my pain is that Labour pain last what on average 24hrs or so well my pain lasts every single minute of every single day oy every single month or every single year of waiting to become a Mum


----------



## beachgirl

Klingon   big big hugs hun, here if you need anything x


----------



## charlie_44

Klingon

So so sorry hun


----------



## Han72

Klingon        so sorry hon 

xxx


----------



## Candee

Oh Kehlan, I am so very sorry. I can't believe it  
I am sending you all my love and hope you are getting support.     
Candee
x


----------



## *Rach*

My SIL (ish) said and I quote " well there's no point worrying about something that hasn't happened yet" that was returning from EC - What sort of comment was that!!!!!!!


----------



## Candee

A stupid one  
Hugs for you hun  
Good-luck for tomorrow!       
        
Candee
x


----------



## Happy Mummy

Klingon , I am so sorry hun    

Rach, lots of      

Future Mummy


----------



## Mousky

Oh, Klingon   sending more       and   your way. Hope you'll get all the support you need  

Rach -


----------



## Lentil

Klingon -       xxxxx


----------



## Betty-Boo

Klingon       so sorry to read your news x x


----------



## Kitten 80

Teresa I totally agree with your comment


----------



## PP

Klingdon I'm so sorry my love really hope your mum doesnt say anything at all insensitive to you  

Ladies I have just found this thread and i love it, after my BFN last wednesday I called the clinic on the fThursday for an earlier appointment than normal as wanted to plan some time away....the "normally lovely but a bit thick receptionist" only went and said to me oh i'm so sorry lets have a look at the diary etc etc then in her sing songy voice ok so where you going to go on your holidays, my bland boring voice "somewhere hot" oh well you know a holiday does people the world of good I cant tell you how many people go away on holidays and the relaxation works.....OMG I didnt know what to say, I wanted to say listen pet get my notes up on the screeen, read them come back to me and say that, you'll then realise that no that wont work we need your clinics help to get pregnant and no amount of trying naturally will work!!

But of course I didnt I probably laughed and didnt make her feel uncomfortable at all, i'm still considering talking to the sister the next time i'm up there though I do think she needs to realise she cant go round saying these comments to couples, especially the day after you've been told nope if didnt work and AF is raging though your body

Phew I feel so much better now


----------



## Betty-Boo

PP big hugs honey- must admit this thread is wonderful!!  Helps me vent all my frustrations and you all understand!
Worst comment I had was from someone who uses FF and therefore will not post it.  Was shocked as in the same situation as us all!

Anyway big hugs mini x


----------



## may2

Hey ladies,
We have recently had a negative cycle and I have found this thread to be really helpful .
I always thought I dont really know any one that will say stupid thing to me since we didnt tell any one about our tx. that is untill yesterday. Went to work as usual trying very hard to pretend to be smiley and chatty . Just before lunch time, i was pull aside by one of my elderly colleague who then proceeded to ''advice'' me about the importance of starting a family early. She went further to point out that all my other colleagues that got married after me are now mums, some x 2. also, she was kind enough to point out that if it is not working naturally we should consider ivf since the stigma attached to it is no longer there . i tried very hard to be polite but failed miserably. left her still talking and went into the ladies to have a good cry . Called Dh, told him every thing then cried    some more. needless to say that the whole day was spoilt for me. when will people learn to mind their business and be a little sensitive while talking to others? 
May


----------



## Mousky

PP, Mini, Rose and May - sending some    to you. 
Indeed, I can't understand why they don't mind their own business. Everyone seems to have an opinion. One of my best friends asked me this (last) weekend if we weren't going to have babies, she sounded a bit weirded out as we've been together for 6 years and NOTHING, and I was just vague about it. I so don't want to go through the whole story only to hear all sort of stupid remarks  

Mousky xx


----------



## joeyrella

Rose     i'm shocked a friend could say things like that to you, so insensitive.
PP - i think you should mention to your clinic that throwaway comments like 'just relax' are not only unhelpful but also extremely hurtful.  they get very distraught people through their doors every day and they really should know better.  
May2 - i find people in work are the worst.  my friend who works in the same building has just gone on maternity leave and every day now i have people from her team asking if i've heard anything yet, its driving me mad.  i was minding my own business at the vending machine today and one of her team asks the usual have i heard anything question, then as i am walking away shouts after me, across my open plan office 'are you not tempted to get pregnant yourself?'  what i actually did was nervously laugh and said 'no', what i should have done was offloaded my whole story and put her on the spot instead.  i don't know why i feel the need to put other people at ease when they are the ones being tactless to me.
also forgot to give the other classic from a nurse at our clinic.  when we were collecting our needles for our first IUI they came in a zip up bag.  the nurse actually said 'there you are, when the treatment is all over you can use it as a wash bag' WTF!?  hey i might never get to have a baby and have years of heart ache and longing, but at least infertility means i get a free wash bag.


----------



## gerbinia

Joeyrella,


I have to agree with you people at work at definitely the worst. The amount of woman we have at our place getting pregnant all the time is unbelievable and some of them twice, I am so jealous!
Sorry, were did you have your tx cause when i had my bag given to me I was told they make a good bag to put your flip flops in......wth f...ing flip flops!!! Bless the nurse she was quiet nice though just a bit  

Nicole x


----------



## joeyrella

i'm at ivfwales.  perhaps its a game nurses play together, trying to out do each other with the most ridiculous thing you can do with your needle bag after treatment


----------



## Kookymare

Nicole 

  Flip Flops! 

                        Kookymare x


----------



## gerbinia

Kookymare,

yep flip flops! i know, should have seen my face,lol

Nicole x


----------



## Kitten 80

There the names of my tattoos on my back I have 2 dollfins flip and flop


----------



## gerbinia

that is not funny hun.... writing this with a big grin on my face, he he he


----------



## Kitten 80

I'm just wondering if they will look like wales when I'm 60 .

[fly]I LOVE BIG BUTS AND I CAN NOT LIE[/fly]


----------



## gerbinia

or maybe two nessie's


----------



## Kitten 80

I'm starting to regret having them done lol


----------



## Tama

Hello hope you don't mind me joining you. I was having a bit of a rant on another thread and advised to come over and rant with you  

I've had a rubbish couple of weeks and there have been several 'comments' from different people........

MIL - speaking to dh on the phone (MIL and FIL both know about ttc and tx) 'so do we hear the patter of tiny feet yet'. They are lovely people but do they really think we'd be keeping that kind of news to ourselves!!! I'd be running naked (it's a dare my dh set me coz i said I'd do anything to be pg and be able to tell people I'd finally got a BFP), screaming the news from the top of my lungs  

Sister - emailed me and asked if af had arrived. Then emailed back when I said 'yes' to say that she knew how I felt coz she'd done at test and it was -ve - WTF she and her dh have been married a month and have just started ttc - how is that the same as ttc for over three years, taking drugs that make you feel like  , dildo cam every few weeks and then the 2ww only for af to turn up the day before testing!

Friend (or maybe not such a friend) just a random email that said.....'are you sprogged up yet or are you going to buy one' Is it just me or is that just hurtful, rude and out of order all in one?!  

Friend that had a baby 4 months ago - I'd said that I was tired of all this ttc and the reply was ' you don't know what tired is until you have a baby'................... 

Sister (again) - I was trying to talk about how I feel (about 8 months ago she told my mum that she thought I was Bipolar coz I was very up and down in my moods....I was on Clomid!!!) and she told me that I seemed very up and down and that this wasn't good for me. Then went on to say that she didn't think there was much to talk about coz she and her partner (now husband) had had   for years without getting pg so why was I worried that it had taken three years............ah she was on the pill not ttc!!!!!!!

WOW I feel better...... thanks ladies   I'm having a pants day and this thread has made me smile for the first time all day.


----------



## gerbinia

Hi Tama,

wow you have some really nice friends and family there just like me, NOT. I have posted a few messages on here, if you read them you know that I know how it must feel for you. I am very sorry but is your sister just plain stupid or what?  
Does she not know that getting pg whilst on pill the chances are rather slim? My best friend (or not) known her for about 15yrs was ttc for about 4 years i think but it had to do with her husband's sperm quality, after he finally bothered going for test's he just took some pills and she is now expecting in January. Anyway she knows my situation and we supported each other over the years with our problems until she rang me, Normal telephone conversation she asked what i been up to bla bla bla this continued for about 10mins or so and i could tell there was something up. anyway she said oh when are you next coming to visit (she lives abroad) and i replied probably in July she went oh and after that when are you coming then i replied eh? why? she went or maybe in January? i quickly did the maths and went oh are you pregnant? and she went yeah and laughed and i was so schocked to be honest i did not know what to say. she then went on how she would have a pg belly next time i would see her how happy she was and so on and on and on. To be honest I felt like she smacked me in the face pushed me to the floor jumped up and down on me and stabbed me with a knife about 30-40 times. I was so disappointed the way and how she told me but even more that she made me guess WTF was she thinking. Not once did she consider my feelings at all or asked how we were doing with tx. 
me and DH had a really horrible time about 2 weeks after when his dad died (it was his Gran dad but he was brought up by his grandparents and does not know his dad) had to sort a farm out and lots and lots and even more stuff, don't wanna bore anyone with it. so anyway i was pretty busy and my so best friend send me text message about two month after she told me and said how disappointed she was in me cause all her other friends rang her at least twice a week to make sure she and baby were OK!!! i just replied something that i was really busty supproting my DH through a really hard time but she did not even care even when i said that i was off work cause i started suffering really bad from stress. needless to say i haven't spoken to her since and not going to either.
well if you ever feel like talking i m here for you just send me a pm

love to you all

Nicole x


----------



## Kitten 80

Hello sweete   first

Your sis sounds eaither very young and nieve or just hartless just give her a slap sure she wont hold it against you  .

One of my so called friends said the same thing maybe its the same person .


----------



## gerbinia

is it just me or 
when people say to you "oh don't have kids" you just wanna jump on them and scream BUT I DO want to have them!!!.    

happend to me today when i went shopping, woman on till said oh don't ever have kids love he he he or is it too late? I just looked at her and smiled, walked out the shop steaming!! why have kids if you don't want them and why bother telling everyone. I so hate it when people say oh don't have kids, they just don't know how lucky they are

sorry girls i had to let it out


Nicole x


----------



## Tama

Nicole   thanks for your lovely message. My sister is just wrapped up in herself and doesn't stop to think sometimes plus I think she can be a little   too   I love her but she doesn't have a clue. I guess people are so wrapped up in their own lives they don't stop to think. Your friend should have stopped to think how you'd feel about her being pg. I'd never comment to someone about something I had no clue about so why do people feel they can make throwaway comments to us and not think twice about it   I keep getting asked at work if I'm sitting on the right chair (we've had about 7 ladies in the last year all get pg)..............do people really think that's funny? My dh told me to say next time that we thought that to get pg quickly you had to have bottom love'n to see if they think that is funny too   My best friend ( the one that had the baby 4 months ago) hardly calls me anymore, partly coz I lost the plot when she got pg 3 months after trying (both she and her dh smoked, drank, a lot, and had just months before taken drugs!! I've given up drinking, coffee, never smoked and haven't had pot since I was 18 BUT WHAM they can get pg without even thinking about it!!!) and partly coz I don't think she knows what to say to me but when she does say stuff it's just like WTF do you think that was a good idea or are you just dumb!? She told me that dh and I need to have a few drinks, take the bottle to the bedroom and just RELAX...............................aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry it just feels like all this has been building up inside me and I can't seem to stop   PM me when ever you like we can rant together   x

Hiya Kitten thanks for the   right back at ya   How are you? I think slapping my sister would make me feel sooooooooo much better but she isn't like me and would never speak to me again  

Maybe we should all get together and write 'An idiots guide to supporting friends/family and loved ones through infertility' it would just need to say keep your mouth shut, provide hugs when needed, never say 'relax' or 'it will just happen' and never, never say 'oh yes I totally understand, when I had my third child it took me 8 months, what a nightmare'.......we could then dish them out to all the pin heads as Xmas gifts


----------



## Tama

Nicole - I think Halloween has made people worse.....one of the ladies I work with (knows about tx etc) was going on and on about her kids, she has two under 4, telling me what a nightmare they had been over the weekend coz of the bad weather and how she wished they would just be nice kids..............listen lady I'd give a kidney to have just one baby, let it scream the house down, fill up it's nappy with stinky smelling poop and leave me with stretch makes and piles


----------



## gerbinia

Tama,

thank you Hun, I like you're Idea of the book. People really do not know how we feel do they? When i had my tx done in October I told my supervisor she is so ace. She had to have IVF herself so she was very understanding. She had tx about 13 yrs ago and worked first time with twins. she came to visit me after my failed tx to say you do know wonders do happen don't you? there are woman who went through ivf and then got pg natural. i looked at her rather shocked and went i got no f...ing tubes how on earth can i get pg? DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO A    WORD I SAID?  . she looked at me and went oh **** yeah i am so sorry. bless her she does have a lot on her mind with her dad being poorly so i let her off. But it just proved to me that no one really no one on this earth knows how it feels unless they have been through it themselves.

sending you lots of       think we all need them

love Nicole x


----------



## Bibi

Hi everyone

I love this thread, it gives me a chuckle sometimes. Some of the other things people have said are so terrible that its unbelievable!

I've written a couple of things on here before. There was a classic about a year a go, my friend (who is still my friend!) invited me out for a meal with some of her friends. I was hormonal and AF was about to arrive so I thought it would be a good distraction. When I sat down at the meal, I discovered they were all from her NCT class and had to endure a meal of baby talk whilst trying not to  .

A recent one was from a colleague who does know about our situation. Her daughter was being induced and it was taking a while. She said to me, 'you're better off not having one anyway, its all a bit stressful'.............mmmmmm, I just walked away, else I would of used a curse word!

Bibi xx


----------



## PP

hmm yes of course "better not have one" do people even realise what they are saying I honestly dont think they do!!

I also get really really annoyed when I hear or when I read just relaaaxxxx get drunk etc etc, oh i'm sorry do you think me and my husband have such a crap love life just because we are trying to conceive, personally I think we are closer especially over the years and are more closer bacause of what we have been through - fertility treatment is so personal to a couple, anyone who just "falls" pregnant will never ever understand what an infertile couple have to go through ever.. so up yours to your relax comments 

hahahaha i loved posting this


----------



## Irish Dee

Well, 

I'm gobsmacked.  One of my very best friends, who has 3 lovely children (all conceived on the first month she 'tried'), was on the telephone to me.  She was telling me that she had been on a 'sweat' as her period had been 1 day late and she is never late.  Now it turns out that she was not pg, but what she said next still beggers belief!!!

She told me that she said to her husband, 'Well, if I'm pregnant, I'll have to give it to Dee, she's mad for a baby and we have enough in 3!!

I really just wanted to hang up the phone.  I thought she understood, having seen me through some very rough times, but as proven time after time, no one does except all the lovely ladies here on FF and of course my darling DH.

She knows how much we've struggled and to say something so flippant just seemed so cold and uncaring.

Another one to add to the list I suppose.

Dee


----------



## Kookymare

Ladies 

some of the things people say are utterly ridiculous and insensitive and unbelievable. 

I'm calling for a   and   cos if we didn't we'd   

                  Love n  

                        Kookymare x


----------



## Mousky

Wow, it was busy here today  

I would first like to endorse Kookymare's   and  

I completely agree that some people are indeed insensitive and often daft    sometimes even cruel   But when it comes to family members and good friends I think they mean well with all the stupidity that pours out of their mouths   

Someone mentioned on a telling/not telling about IF/TX thread that even your lovely mother might simply not be able to understand it if she hasn't gone through it. And might say something dumb  

Unfortunately, we are struggling with it so we know what's like   but sometimes I think I'm asking too much if I expect people to understand something so delicate. Tbh I didn't know it before and might have made those idiotic remarks myself   (don't think I have though) And of course, don't forget that also people with IF/TX issues say stupid/mean things as well  

Maybe it's best to try and tell people how you would like them to react?   I often try it with DH because he doesn't always get it   Btw, the book thing is a great idea!  

I think those people who care about us really want us to be happy with our babies and they just say anything they think will give hope. I cannot believe anyone out there thinks the "relax and it will happen"   is for real  

Tama - glad you've joined us. This thread is great for ranting or what?  

Nicole - don't know if it's a coincidence but more and more people are asking if we aren't going to have kids. I just smile and lie  

Dee - I need to believe your friend meant well  

Bibi - I remember your post  

Lots of  

Mousky xx


----------



## lizziesiddal

Hope you don't mind me joining the thread.  Am on first ICSI 2ww but been TTC for over three years.

I wanted to go back to your comments about GPs.  What the hell is wrong with them and why don't they have any basic fertility training?  Went to see my GP who has been practising for nearly 40 years - before sex was invented and a man got a woman pregnant by looking at her funny on a Tuesday and spinning three times in a field, or some such nonsense... anyway, we went to see him after 18 months of ttc and he asked if we were having sex on day 14.  I said we were... and other days.  Explained that I had an average 31 day cycle, so my fertile days were more likely to be 16-18.  He seemed surprised and said he had never heard of that!  Was I sure I did not have a 28 day cycle?  No... I know how long my cycle is.  He seemed concerned about this.  He said he would refer us both to the clinic, but "Don't stop having sex... do you know how many times I refer someone and they suddenly become pregnant!!"  

Needless to say we did not magically conceive.  When DH got the sperm analysis through, GP phoned and said that the count was a little lower than normal, but there was good mot and morph and the problem was clearly with me.  He didn't give us exact figures, but we were thinking, okay, perhaps 15 - 18 million sperm... all good.  At least DH is okay.  Went for our appointment with the fertility clinic.  Dreadful consultant.  Anyway, she starts talking about ICSI - I had never heard of it and didn't even know she was referring to a form of IVF.  When we realised, and we questioned her, she said "Well, your husband's sperm sample is awful.  This is what we're offering - you can take it or leave it." (NHS) When we asked her if she would go through the statistics, she sighed and opened the folder and muttered "5 million" and then went on to describe poor morph and mot.  I don't rememeber these stats as in too much shock.  Poor DH.  It was worse than just finding out first time.  To think he had the all clear an then to find out otherwise... but what was up with our GP?  He either did not understand the data he was reading, or was a complete coward and did not want to break the news to us, knowing the clinic would do it.  It has been over a year from our early appointments and we are still reeling over the way we were treated.  Needless to say I have since asked for another GP.  And I will be making a formal complaint on the feedback forms given to us re: the consultant.

Babydust to everyone


----------



## swhattie

Lizziesiddal - we had a smilar problem to you.....

We went to my GP who was fantastic, seemed to know his stuff and referred us straight away to the hospital - we had 2 SA's, I had an HSG, a normal ultrasound, all sorts of blood tests..... My tests all came back clear. We then got a letter, about 2 lines long saying DH's SA was abnormal. that was it. So, we booked an appt with DH's GP who told us there was nothing wrong with anything, the sample was slightly lower than it should be but nothing to worry about (he actually laughed at us) he then referred us to a urologist. When we got there we were in the office for about 5 minutes, he told DH he had no sperm at all and that 'a man like him would never father his own children'...... I literally grabbed DH, pulled him up, told the urologist that he needed to get some more training and left. he disgusted me. Then, we got to the consultant (not the one at the fert clinic) and she said didnt sday much at all..... All absolutely useless. the lot of them. When we actually got to Care, within 5 minutes we had a low down on what the problem was, why his SA was so low (undescended testicles & hernias as a child) and what our way forward was.

Out of all of them the urologist was the worst.That man was cruel with the way he spoke to my husband and completely wrote him off, telling him he would never have children. When I do get my baby that man will be getting a picture of our child and a long letter explaining why I think he should retire...

XXX


----------



## gerbinia

Can i first join the 

*Mousky* - I think you have a very good point about family and friends just trying to cheer us up and maybe not saying the right stuff as they don't know how it feels. I also agree that probably most of us have made stupid comments about other peoples situations that we don't quiet understand. I even admit to that myself but got to say since all this IVF problems I am very carefull about what I say to people when they are having a hard time. The only but i have is that my so called best friend knew exactly how it feels ttc for years and years and she used to complain and be upset about her other friends getting pg in just a few month so really what she did was slammed it all in my face when she got pg and forgot about any feelings i have. She was so untactful I can't even write it down in words tbh.

*Lizziesiddal* - OMG your GP is unbelievable, rude, weird, useless and quiet obviously does not have a clue. that must have been such a shock for you DH. I got to say by GP I have now is brilliant she is fantastic and i absolutely love her (in a gp-patient sort of way) 
when i had my first ectopic pg I went to my previous GP as after 2 weeks I was not quiet ready (emotionally) to go back to work and he had a go at me saying there is nothing wrong with me anymore and I should be gong back to work. I looked at him with tears and said I just lost my baby i was trying to conceive and had to have it taken out of me cause it was in the wrong place"  
he gave me another week off and I went back to work after that.

sending you all lots of     

love Nicole x


----------



## lizziesiddal

Socialcameleon - you are so brave storming out of the urologist's office.   What is wrong with these people?  Do they not have adequate training to how to speak to patients?  Does it need training to be a human being and treat someone with sympathy?  

Gerbina -   - how dare a (male) GP make any sort of judgment towards a woman who has lost a baby.  It is not for him to decide when you feel well enough to work.  Well done for standing your ground.  I'm sorry for your loss.      

Well, thought I'd try recapture the funnier moments of this thread by some words of wisdom from my nan (RIP).  She died before I started ttc conceive, but she used to tell me about how not to get pregnant 'the old fashioned way'.  Apparently, when the man 'does his thing', if you hold your breath, you won't get pregnant.  Likewise, if you are breathing properly (!) when he 'does it', you will conceive.  Right, nan.  Got it.  Let's hope that all men are 'doing it' with someone who is breathing, else this might be an arrestable offence.  I once asked her, "So how did holding your breath work for you, nan?"  She replied, "I breathed when I had your aunt Mary and uncle.  Then I held my breath after that but I had your mom and two other aunts."  And yet she still advocated this method of contraception.  God love her!


----------



## swhattie

LOL   I love it!! Thats surely where we've all been going wrong! We need to breathe!


----------



## Mousky

Hey, hey!

Lizzie - when are you testing?    what a nightmare you and DH went through   That gives us an idea, hey? If a person who actually managed to get into med school and was "good enough" to graduate say things like that what can we expect from our loved ones?  

socialchameleon - Thank Goodness you didn't give up!   Can you actually complain? I'm wondering how many people gave up parenthood because of doctors like these one  

Nicole - you've probably seen some posts here about people with IF issues - even here @ FF - who all of a sudden forget what's like and or are all patronizing "be positive it will also happen to you"   or are actually cruel! What can we do?   Are you still friends with her? It must be so hard  



Mousky xx


----------



## Tama

Can I join the   too. I think we need it  

OMG! I can't get over how many idiots there are working in our doctors surgery's and hospitals   . socialchameleon  - I just can't get over what a nightmare all this has been for you. I'd have done my nut, think I'd have dragged the man over the desk let alone pulling dh out of the room  

lizziesiddal -    so funny. I'm gonna tell my dh tonight that we gotta do a lot of breathing while     

I just love this thread.   Thanks ladies. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging off the edge of a very large cliff by my fingernails looking into the dark but just knowing I can come and vent my spleen to you and know you 'get it' really helps


----------



## Izzybear

Lizziesiddal

 

I nearly stopped breathing when I read your post, from too much laughing!!!!

Izzy x


----------



## kitten77

OMG about the urologist!!!!!!! what a think to say, and him of all people should know better.  we are going to a urologist....can i ask who it was.... as dont want to go to that one!!!

hhahahahaha  - this is where we are going wrong ladies.... stop holding our breaths...knew it was something we were doing wrong.  actually my dh likes the blue tinge look on me! hhaha


----------



## swhattie

The urologist was called Mr Robinson, it was in Doncaster Royal Infirmary for anyone that goes there BEWARE...... I was absolutely disgusted with the man. Im ashamed to say that when we hot footed it out of his office I called him a pr1ck   To be fair he was one but perhaps I shouldnt have said that!! 

GP's are a nightmare..... I once tried to make an appointment at mine for lumps in my breats (I had loads of them, they turned out be cysts!) anyhow, when I rang reception to get an appointment I was told that the earliest I could get would be a week and two days away and 'did I think I would still be ill then?' - now perhaps Im wrong here but isnt that the point of a GP to tell you if you are still going to be ill then....... Anyhow, when I went to my appt for my boob lumps the female gp didnt feel them, didnt look at my boobs in anyway and told me to make another appointment for a months time and if it in the meantime it was serious then there would be nothing she could do anyway because they didnt deal with that sort of thing there   mmmmmmm now I know Im young but surely if a woman who goes to GPs with lumps in her breasts, and there is an history of breast cancer in her family then a bit more of a check up is in order...... 

THEY ARE A NIGHTMARE. some of the time - a lot of doctors and nurses are very good and we have a good deal with the NHS really!!

Ladies - I have changed my avatar pic to reflect the advise from Lizziesiddals Nanna!!


----------



## isobel snow drop

Just wanted to add when we went back to my gp last yr to get referred back to our clinic after a long break he asked us what ivf was!  DH and me just looked at one another and knew we had wasted half an hr sat in the waiting room


----------



## swhattie

isobel snow drop said:


> Just wanted to add when we went back to my gp last yr to get referred back to our clinic after a long break he asked us what ivf was!  DH and me just looked at one another and knew we had wasted half an hr sat in the waiting room


Are you joking Is this doctor still practising? Does he know what Penicillin is?


----------



## isobel snow drop

Im afraid he is!!


----------



## lizziesiddal

Isobel - that's unbelievable!  Are you sure it wasn't the janitor having a laugh in the doctor's chair?  Jeez!

Socialchameleon - glad you called him a prick.  Should've kicked him in it too!  
Thank you for the dedication to nan    We shouldn't be to hard on her - she was practically Edwardian.  Marie Stopes passed her by completely! 

Mousky - testing on the 12th Nov.    And I agree.  We can't expect too much from our families when the medical profession is full of dinosaurs and imbeclies  

This thread is fab; looking forward to hearing more from the weird and wonderful world of foot-in-gob relatives and nonce medics.

babydust


----------



## livity k

Hi all, 

Really enjoying this thread! It's good to rant- most people don't annoy me too much as I do know their hearts are in the right place as Mousky said I think- I think reading some of these stories I've also been lucky- however-...
the one that does keep annoying me and the one I wish I'd replied to better (instead of smiling with gritted teeth) was my husband's boss (also an old friend who has just had his first child) who said the important thing was not to think about it all too much-  and gave me he the folllowing words of wisdom ( he knew we were in the middle of IVF)

"when me and E wanted to concieve we debated really planning it but decided that would put to much pressure on us so we just saw what happened for a few months- it's really important not to make it the be all and end all..."

So easy to remember that advice when you are having up to 4 injections a night and your husband has to have his balls opened up to get sperm!!  - I'm really sure if we hadn't prioritised it we'd have been fine.....

Still makes me angry now...

K x


----------



## lizziesiddal

One of my best friends - who promised that she would give me first dibs on baby items - has just posted this on ********:

"******* is so pleased that the ebay buyers who bought *****'s cot were such a lovely family, paid and collected at end of auction too, fabulous...........parting with the cot, ah no more tiny babies "


Is this a hint to me that I'm taking too long...? I don't mind that she's felt she had to sell the cot, but I would rather have been told in person rather than have to read her status update.  She knows every last detail about me as well... And if she wanted more 'tiny babies' she could.  Both daughters first month of trying.

I'm being over-sensitive, I know.


----------



## swhattie

Oh hun - there will be tiny babies and you'll get to have all new and then you can update your ******** status to be 'has bought all my new furniture for my tiny baby'...... Its a kicker isnt it


----------



## lizziesiddal

Thanks, socialchameleon   - I don't really want the damn cot.  I just wish she'd spoken to me first.  It's always her saying she has stuff to pass on to me, that's why I felt so shocked.  I'm fine now.  Thanks again, hon.


----------



## isobel snow drop

Believe it or not this doctor also had a tic that made him sling his head about whilst he spoke to us  I even looked round the room for secret cameras- it was like someone was playing a joke on us


----------



## LinLou

Hi girls can i join the thread - has made me laugh .... and cry!  

We have been ttc for 4 1/2 years .....here is my low down....had BFN on our 2nd go of icsi two weeks ago.  I have no problems but my DH  has severely low sperm count (had 8 sperm this go round for ICSI - our first go he had 16)!  Didn't do too badly though from the 16 we had 2x 8 cell embryos put back grade 2 and the second go 1 x 8 cell grade 2 and 1 x 4 cell grade 3 with assisted hatching.  We will not give up on this, I am going to keep going until it works!  Ok we might not have a house and be living as tramps on the streets but at least we would have afforded 50 goes of IVF ha ha! 

Have had so many stupid comments from people along the way, but I have learned to just laugh to myself about most of them now.  I do think that people just don't understand and try to make you feel better by saying these ridiculous comments, it is because they care that they clutch at straws trying to make something positive up to say!  

I went out for a drink with my two best friends last week to tell them we had a BFN and that we would have our next go next April.  One of my friends (who is 7 months pregnant - very happy for her but at the same time find it hard) said to me "well you relax and enjoy the next 6 months because you never know what will happen" wink wink....I said to her, "Sarah, DH has 8 sperm that don't move, I really do think it would be in the Guinness book of records is one of those 8 sperm that don't move got me pregnant considering most men have millions of sperm and only 1 reaches the egg!" and as for the relax bit I thought - RELAX .... RELAX....I haven't relaxed for the past 4 years! anyway.... she then still went on to say "well, weirder things have happenend!"  Well..... no actually... I don't think weirder things have happened! AHHHHH felt like screaming - "do you not understand most men have 30 million sperm and my DH has 8! what don't you get about that!?"  But then I had to just think, people who haven't had to go through this awful experience just don't understand, they just think "oh IVF.... is something that people have to make them pregnant".....well as we all know too well, it doesn't just simply make us pregnant.  

It is so frustrating, another best friend of mine who has 2 children always says to me "you're better off without children, they cause you so much grief!" - I know she is only joking but I would love to feel some of that "grief" that she is feeling!

I used to get up set about it but have learnt to just humour people - it is good to read other peoples stories on here that are so similar - feel so alone sometimes but realise I am not when I log on to this thread! - chins up girls - we will not give up! xx

Linlou


----------



## Mousky

Unbelievable! These doctors...  

I have a question on the "relax", "don't think about it", "it will happen"   I believe many of you have just stopped using whatever contraceptive method "just to see what would happen", "no pressure", "no planning"   But could you actually not think about it? I'm now afraid I'm the only woman around who even in those circumstances was still hoping, deep down, alone in the dark that it would actually work   So maybe this is why I never got pregnant?? Because I was still thinking about it?? Can people actually not think about it when they're having unprotected sex while wishing for a baby??   

Linlou - I'm afraid there's a big chance your friend doesn't know much about sperm count etc   I didn't  and never thought I would need to know anything about it I knew it should be more than 8  though 

Isobel  and K - how are you?  

Lizzie - I have everything crossed for you    Btw, I decided to "log off" as I've noticed some sort of competition online for the prettiest baby, most perfect family, best this and that IYKWIM  

Good night, ladies!

Mousky xx


----------



## LinLou

Hi Mousky

Sorry to hear about your recent BFN.  

Regarding your relax question - no, you can never relax and not think about it hun - it is impossible.  Before we knew my DH had a problem, we were trying for 18 months and every single month that is all I thought about "am I preggers this month....".  When people say "try not to think about it" - that is just ridiculous - how do you stop yourself from thinking about it - it is impossible.

And no, it didn't not work because you were thinking about it....dont beat yourself up....we are all the same!  Those people that say "dont think about it" are the people who have never experienced infertility and I bet the people that say that fell pregnant within a few months or havent got children!

Take care

Linlou x


----------



## lizziesiddal

LinLou, I completely agree.  

Other pieces of advice include 'you're trying too hard'.  How can you try too hard?  The other one is if you're stressed you won't get pregnant.  Tell that to rape vicitms, holocaust survivors... it's most likely well-meaning but unhelpful comments that subtly put the blame back onto you.  Because, I'm sorry, but there is a breed of people out there - let's call them the 'smug-fertiles' - who unconsciously believe themselves to be superior. And I know for a fact that if I had found it easy to conceive, I would've been one of them, so I mean this without malice (much).  As much as they say the right (or wrong things), there can sometimes be a look behind their eyes that says:  Are you sure you're doing it right? / You're obviously not very good at sex / clearly you don't excite your husband enough / Look at how clever we are!  When all along, it is nothing to do with being clever: it's luck.  Pure and simple.  There but for the grace of God go they...  And I think they know it.  And those that care about us feel a little bit guilty that they have found it so easy and wonder what the universe has in store for them to redress the balance.

As for 'try not to think about it'... doesn't all that New Age crap tell us to 'think about it'?  Visualise and you shall achieve!  Most people 'think about it', it's just that it happens so quickly for most, they forget the 'planning' stage. Whereas for us, well, we're sick of the planning and the rehearsals:  we want to know when the play's going to start!!!  

Bottom line: it's all about biology, not psychology.


----------



## PKM

Hello girlies,

I'm off work this week - I'm a little bit bored and found this thread. It's keeping me entertained - I really can't believe some of the things on here....

I'm very upset by what my best friend has recently said to me - on two occasions this year.

DH and I have known we have conception issues for a while, things just weren't happening - I had the usual round of lady-surgery (which I told my friend about) and eventually concieved in April.... (we kept that to ourselves 'just in case') I did not tell her... anyway, at 9 weeks I miscarried..... I was at my desk and I got up to take a call from my 'friend' and headed for the ladies as I work in an open plan office, when I got there I realised I was starting to miscarry. 

So, I just came out with 'Oh my God, I'm having a miscarriage, I'll call you later'. I didn't call for a week or so as I was so distraught, during that time I was aware that she hadn't been in touch at all but I was completely in shock and didn't think too much. Anyway, when I did call her and started to explain she interrupted me and said, "erm I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk about babies" I was stunned and couldn't think of anything to say and she continued with "well, you know my boyfriend won't commit and we might never live together and I don't know if he wants kids and it's really upsetting me cos I might never have them" (she is 5 years younger than me with no known fertility problems and had a termination 2 years ago so she can get pregnant). What similarities 'having a miscarriage' and 'chat about babies' have I really don't know - but I wouldn't expect that from a man let alone a female friend.

I was SO upset by this - it took about 4 months to be able to converse properly with her. Even then I feel disgust at her selfish and dictatorial approach. She has chosen not to 'hear' that we are unable to concieve (anyone here would know that 99% abnormal forms represents a significant hurdle) but twists it in her head to be 'us happily planning our new baby' - while poor her has a boyfriend who won't commit so she might not get a chance.

Anyway, I am ranting now (grrrr it's making me cross just to think about her) she called about 3 weeks ago as I was starting the injections, my first cycle and I was on 450 Menopur and feeling rather ropey.... she went on about herself for half an hour as usual then said "so how are you?", I replied with "bit exhausted really, just started my IVF drugs" to which she replied, "well think yourself lucky you're GETTING your baby, I might never get one. I don't want to talk about your IVF - it's not fair when Simon won't even live with me."

I mean Jesus - what do you say to that? She's also told her other close friend not to talk about her wedding because "she might never get married and it's not fair"

So that's that. I have realised I have nothing at all to say to this woman who I thought my best friend for the last 10 years and who I have spoken to nearly every day of that time.... I've just moved to a new town and don't know a soul - but even so I cannot bring myself to speak to her. I don't think you can dictate what friends can talk about - especially major things like this - crises come and go - the emphasis of who is needing support constantly changes - friends just give unconditional support. 

The sad thing is that this wasn't a verbal slip up which people often make because they are verbally unskilled - it was very deliberate control and a severe case of 'poor me, I'm worse off than you'. Which I find quite sickening.

Phew - felt good to write that out!


----------



## lizziesiddal

Just wanted to give you a big hug, pkm       and say sorry for your loss.  Also want to add that if 'Simon' won't commit, it's because 'Simon' has his head screwed on straight and can see your friend for what she is. Big up, Simon!  

p.s despite everything you're going through, she's jealous of you.  Silly girl. More hugs to you.  

pps When's your OTD, hon.  Good luck.


----------



## BudgieSeed

PKM, that woman sounds a nightmare!  

Honestly, if it were me, I'd be telling her either what lizzie said or "well if you want someone who will commit, get married etc, perhaps you should find a new boyfriend". Honestly!  Some people!


----------



## PKM

Thanks girls - yep, she is a nightmare - but it kinda worked till I had a 'serious' issue going on - it's odd what you say about her jealousy - I have always avoided telling her anything nice I'm doing or anything DH has bought me and stuff - she has firmly carved a role for herself as victim and she sees any form of attention as competitive - even if it's something not very nice..

So, we live and learn eh. I'm not going to fall out with her but I am certianly withdrawing from the relationship. Good luck to Simon eh!! 

OTD is 16th = already going mad!


----------



## coweyes

Omg i have just come across this and its great lol.

I can totally say i know how you all feel, people are so narrow minded and always have an opinion on things regardless of the fact that they know nothing about it.  I have begun to realise that the more i tell people the less i feel understood and the more alone i feel!  There have been people in our lives that understand, to a point but to be honest these are far and few between.  I do understand that the majority of people are lucky enough to not have to understand the issue of infertility or fertility treatment but they should still stop trying to make it right by saying something like (my favorite) at least you still have each other   .  Or having a child is ment to be seen as an added bonus in a relationship, the icing on the cake!!!!
People always try to relate it to a problem they have, but i do think its in a league of its own!! Just because you are trying to fight for something that is so ingrained in our genetic makeup and of that of every living species.  We are almost fighting against nature, wanting a child and not being able to have one.  Well thats how i feel, its not like i really want a house, or a car i really want something that i was put on this planet to have.  I am not saying its a god given right but its very hard for it not to be.xx


----------



## PKM

coweyes said:


> (my favorite) at least you still have each other  .


Yes. This one gets my goat too.

"At least you've got your partner" saying that is really lame, it's such a severe case of stating the blindingly obvious. And also quite irrelevant and incomparable.

Silly people.


----------



## H&amp;P

pkm said:


> coweyes said:
> 
> 
> 
> (my favorite) at least you still have each other  .
Click to expand...

My MIL said that to DH and I just the other day 



jo_1105 said:


> And the second friend, 'J', who's not quite in the same league but equally up for grabs 'kindly' offered to donate some of her eggs if mine 'weren't any good'... why on EARTH does she think I'd want her baby if I couldn't have my own? the mind boggles.


I think sometimes we are a teeny bit too sensitive though as some people with IF would be absolutely thrilled if a friend offered to be an Egg Donor for them (me included, but all my friends are too old )

My boss's boss (very high up in company) offered to pay for our next TX the other day, he said if it comes to it and money is the only thing stopping you having another go don't hesitate to ask. He made me , but then I am a hormonal wreck and cry at anything.


----------



## coweyes

DRIVER 225

That is such a lovely offer to make you must have been beside yourself to know what to say to such a kind offer.

Mind you saying how stupid people are, i honestly dont think woman are as bad as men.  Some of the men in my dh work have been so so horrid.  "i will see to your wife"  they asked him if he was a jaffa, omg could not believe that several of them laughed and one said he would buy him jaffa cakes for his secret santa omg omg how horrible.  They were just trying to be funny with no idea of the implications of what they were saying.  I totally hate them for it, its a tough thing to know a man can not impregnate his wife with out those bxxxxy txxxs


----------



## PKM

DRIVER225 said:


> My boss's boss (very high up in company) offered to pay for our next TX the other day, he said if it comes to it and money is the only thing stopping you having another go don't hesitate to ask. He made me , but then I am a hormonal wreck and cry at anything.


I think this is quite amazing! I think it's very touching actually.

My boss is such a nasty piece of work and my work is so stressful that I am taking this week off to avoid the snippy cutty comments that I endure on a daily basis. I need to be calm, so I am home and doing something I haven't done for years, cooking, cleaning and walking down to the local shops each day. Regardless of the result - avoiding the negative stress of that cancerous environment that is my company and driving 120 miles a day is a welcome bonus.

Unfortunately for me, I am the mistress of Sar. I can't resist - I am on the verge of a reply to her last mail.

The 'friend' tried to call me 2 weeks ago - I cut the call off and mailed her 4 days later to say "I'm mid IVF and appreciate she didn't want to talk about it but, I find it impossible not to mention so I will be in touch in a month or so." (but I won't).

She replied with "yes, it's so hard for me as we're at opposite ends of the spectrum" (meaning poor her can't have babies but lucky me is buying one).

......to which I am DYING to _completely_ miss her selfish point and reply "yes I do understand it must be depressing when you're hoping and planning to have a baby one day to hear about someones infertility".

Which would be utterly annoying for her - as she's so wrapped up in her selfishness and fairyland thinking people who have IVF are there for some luxury lifestyle shopping.

I probably won't do it but I like the thought of doing it.


----------



## lizziesiddal

PKM - I doubledare you to send that email!  

Driver225 - what a fantastic company you work for... any openings?    Seriously, that's an amazing offer.  I'd have bawled too.

Jo - I'm with you - if anyone had offered me their eggs, I'd have punched them.  I think it's incredibly smug.  And as for your other friend    It reminds me of someone I used to work with who I stupidly confided in about a year ago re: our IF issues.  She said, "You're in the same position as me really.  I'm wondering whether to dump my boyfriend because he refuses to live in the same country as me and you're wondering whether you should leave your husband because he's infertile."  Er, what?  At no point in the conversation did I even mildly allude to that. And what sort of person does she think I am! She now has a baby with 'the boyfriend' (first month of trying... grrr) who is now staying in the country.  She proudly announced that he had decided to stay in the UK as he now had something to stay for... good luck with that, mantrap! So, when they say 'At least you have your partner...' well, there may be something in that.  DH has promised he will stay in the country baby or no baby.


----------



## Kookymare

Ahh DRIVER - thats lovely   brought a tear to my eye.

COWEYES -   brought a tear to my eye.

Can you see a pattern here, think I've got PMT.

PKM - I double double dare you to send that e- mail


----------



## kitten77

cant believe the range of things people say to us!!! you really couldnt make it up could you?  

the 'friends' we have have no clue do they. it is unbelieveable. it really doesnt help this journey does it. 

 hi kooky.


----------



## lizziesiddal

Coweyes - I just reread your post.  I remember that term being used on 'Only Fools and Horses' about Boycie.  I think that show must have popularised it...  Looking back, what a sick thing for the BBC to think was an okay subject for a joke.  But that's the problem, isn't it?  In popular cultures it's funny to laugh at men who are 'shooting blanks'.  Until it touches your own life, you have no idea what it feels like.

Your husband's workmates are jerks and considerably worried someone will find out they all have small pr*cks.   
At least women tend to only accidently offend!      

Something funny my friend said to me the other day when I told her about the 2ww: "So, is the embryo in there for good now, or do they need to take it out again?"

There's intervention and then there's just plain silly.


----------



## swhattie

PKM - I would send her an email saying 'you know, with you being in the terrible situation of not knowing if your BF wants to have a child why dont you go down the "easy" route and have IVF with donor sperm as a single woman'........ stupid c*w....

I remember being at wedding of DH's aunty in London last year and his cousin offering me her womb for 9 months - that too was a case of 'i get pregnant so easily and I love being pregnant'............I said to her that incidentally I too can pregnant but we have a missing part and does she not think that since she finds being pregnant sooooo amazing I might like to experience it too..... the girl who was at the side of her said that she thought that would be a stupid idea because according to her 'surrogacy is an inethical rent a womb' - I told her that perhaps she should 'rent a brain'......

I cant stand these people and I NEVER hold my tongue.

XXX


----------



## ♥ Sarah ♥

socialchameleon said:


> I told her that perhaps she should 'rent a brain'......


Good one Social . They really are luddites   

xx


----------



## PKM

Socialchameleon - that's disgusting! what a horrid woman! 

I use another (very male dominated) forum where having children via IVF is frequently referred to as 'a lifestyle choice' - this makes me very very spikey.


----------



## swhattie

pkm said:


> Socialchameleon - that's disgusting! what a horrid woman!
> 
> I use another (very male dominated) forum where having children via IVF is frequently referred to as 'a lifestyle choice' - this makes me very very spikey.


MMMM yeah - i always envisaged that i would enjoy spending all my money on IVF rather than holidays etc........ Many, many people have the idea that IVF is a lifestyle choice, similar to it being a lifestyle choice to be a d***head like them!


----------



## Betty-Boo

As a single woman going down the IVF route and having to use donor eggs cos mine have failed ... believe you me its not 'easy'!


----------



## swhattie

mini minx said:


> As a single woman going down the IVF route and having to use donor eggs cos mine have failed ... believe you me its not 'easy'!


Thats the point I was trying to make - PKM's friend clearly thinks it is.


----------



## Betty-Boo

Bless her.... oh if only she knew!!!  
I'm sure one day she'll look back and realise that she's not been the supportive friend at all!  I've had one friend who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat (5 kids) ring me up telling me to stop what I'm doing as I'm bonkers and don't know what I'm letting myself in for ... err she fell first time at 15!!  This baby when he/she or even they   arrive will be planned and loved so much from the off!!!
Friends eh!!  Who needs enemies!!  (Hardest part is I'm god mum to her 3 daughters..)


----------



## swhattie

Mini - I have a friend who says all the 'you wouldnt want one if you knew what it was like' crap!! Funny that she has 3 kids so clearly it cant be that bad!!


----------



## living-the-good-life

Firstly I just have to say lmao  regarding


lizziesiddal said:


> Something funny my friend said to me the other day when I told her about the 2ww: "So, is the embryo in there for good now, or do they need to take it out again?"


I have endless stories just like many of yours, The book idea would be great 

I actually found myself in a situation yesterday, our friends have just spent 4k on ICSI for her to respond badly subsequently leaving them with no embies to transfer. After speaking to her on the phone, I've been worried I may have said the wrong thing  I'm sure I was probably fine, just worried as I'm renowned for my lack of tact at times, although I'm very conscious of this when discussing infertility...

Following my miscarriage, I suggested metting for a coffee with a friend who, although doesn't seem to have a problem getting pregnant, never gets further than 13 weeks. I remembered saying to her once, " at least you know you can get pregnant" Somebody said this to me following my miscarriage, and I found it really hurtful, " yes I know I can get pregnant, but it took three years to get pregnant" There is no way in the world I would want it to take that long again, and who knows it could well do so. The purpose of our coffee was to apologise for my comment, It was an emotional sorry 

Yesterday I spent the evening with a group of friends, celebrating a birthday. One of the woman there is due her baby a few days apart from what was my EDD. She is very much aware of my miscarriage, although didn't seem to think twice, when telling me what a pain it is being pregnant, how awful it is to be nursing a large glass of wine (I wasn't drinking) and how she wont be able to have fun this Christmas WTF!! The worst thing of all for me was that she was smoking! Not only was she smoking, she was smoking full fat ultra strong cigarettes, and in the next breath expressing just how worried she was about losing the baby....... And theres me, not doing anything remotely bad for fear of it affecting my reproductive health, sipping on my cranberry juice, explaining how I've got my green tea intake down to one cup per day lol, I'm sorry but am I missing something here


----------



## Mousky

Hello again  

On "I'll have a go at your wife" DH was told this by a colleague who was guessing we were having tx. DH is actually good with reacting to this kind of stupidity with some sense of humor so he just told the guy he was too ugly, not my type  

I might be wrong, of course   but I believe man are crass and women tend to be cruel. These ladies who are super fertile as some of you mentioned   don't get me started   they are SO superior   Btw, I know it's not their fault I can't get pregnant. It just happened to be this way  

Oh, and on "you still have each other", I've heard that one but I'm convinced the person meant well   even the "you could adopt" (a classic, hey  ) I took it well coz I think they are just trying to "help"   People love helping, don't they?   And, of course, every single person on this planet knows how you should live your life better than you know it yourself   so I avoid telling most things to most people  

And Driver   I agree. Sometimes we over react being so sensitive with all this IF/drugs   Like I said, I do believe most things that irritate us are meant to comfort us. And I'm not naive   

Jo - I know where you coming from but I must confess I actually feel lucky I can have a few goes on IVF. I know many, many couples who just can't do it   Maybe that's what your friend meant?  

Well, sending some   and    

You ladies who are opened about tx have to put up with a lot of  

Mousky xx

ps. didn't think it was possible not to think about it while ttc  

ps2. I know for a fact MANY people regret and resent their kids!


----------



## Sue74

You know reading these comments people still amaze me at how cruel and thoughtless they can be   as if this journey is not bad enough without so called friends hurting us with stupid comments.  I have a friend who has just decided to start trying, never wanted kids previously (ok people can change their minds).  Its as if the last three years of our IF counts for nothing, shes coming up with all these ideas to boost fertility (stuff we've all tried a million times) like I've never tried them before, god if only it was that easy hey girls. I know she thinks shes helping, I don't mean to sound ungrateful.

Anyway we were talking one day about trying to conceive and she just came out with it "well at least I'm fertile", god how bad is that as opposed to me not being then  .  I wanted to crawl away, it did make me  buckets.

sending loads of      and     to all you lovely ladies


----------



## Kitten 80

Boy this thread is busy  

Ok peeps I no my little SIL is only 10 but if she tells me one more time about her other SIL having her baby and what they called it I shall scream I DON'T WANT TO NOOOOOOO.   of course I do not deny them happiness as she struggled as well I think she had 3-4 MC but I really don't need it rubbed in my face and every time a teacher of theres falls they have to tell me it actually stings anyway sorry for that rant.

Any one have a funny one to tell.


----------



## PKM

Nothing funny today - I think that everyone who knew about my MC said "at least you know you can get pregnant".... even my consultant said that! I think it's because it's so hard to say the 'right' thing.... is there a right thing?


----------



## Kitten 80

Not really they should not mension a thing unless we mension it first thats my view anyways if we want to talk about it then they can but other wise  .


----------



## Sparklyone

A classic last weekend when at my BIL and SIL Halloween party. I was asked by one of their friends whether I wanted to have children to which I replied (as I am always open about my tx) that we had just completed our third round of ivf. To which he replied  - you are doing what? "Oh you are trying (not sure if he knows what ivf is). Me I can get somene pg just by looking at them - would you like me to look at you?" (jokingly) I was a bit flabberghasted but did have a good giggle about it      If it was only that easy hey - plus my DH has fab sperm we have ivf due to my endo       

As normal when people say stupid things I just smile sweetly while inside I am amused at how much people dont understand about infertility. I do ask myself if I was not going through this would I be any more knowledgeable - probably a bit but not a lot more. Luckily I have never had anyone say somthg to be deliberately hurtful just lack of thought. The only time I am ever really hurt is when pg are announced in the family or my DH friends and the way I am told - I am sure though I would be just as hurt if they did not tell me and trod on egg shells around me. 

One of my best friend did suggest surrogacy to me last week after our third BFN which shocked me as I have so much more to try first but if you are not going through this and reading inspirational stories on here how would you know that? So again I understand she was trying to be helpful.

More funny stories please   

Sparklyone
xx


----------



## Kitten 80

He can look at me any day


----------



## Sparklyone

Kitten x


----------



## swhattie

Sparklyone - that made laugh about that fella!! Im with Kitten - he can look at me too! He could be like Matt Lucas in Little Britain - 'look into my eyes, not around the eyes but in the eyes, 3-2-1 your pregnant'!!!


----------



## lizziesiddal

Sparklyone and Social  

A friend has just messaged me to tell me where I can get some cheap pregnancy tests from as 'You're half way through the wait... don't you want to start testing now?'  Er... no!  She has explained to me that what you do on a two week wait is, you test with a cheap one and then 'when it turns positive' you test with an expensive one, like Blueclear 'just to make sure'.  Then you go to the docs 'and he does another one!'

No sh*t, Sherlock.  I have replied and thanked her, but also pointed out that I am actually very experienced at the two week wait.  That unlike her two which both resulted in pregnancies, I have experienced around 18 months worth of 2ww before asking for medical advice, and even after then, have subjected myself to 'maybe this time' 2wws.  I have also pointed out that none of my cheap, expensive, digital, with-a-built-in-teasmade pregnancy tests have ever come up positive.  But thanked her again for the advice.

I know people are only trying to help, but I don't need your advice on how to take a pregnancy test      This is not my first 2ww - does she not realise this!!!!!!!

(Rant over   )


----------



## Kitten 80

socialchameleon  

Lizzieiddal I carn't even get a   in my dream when I pee on a stick


----------



## living-the-good-life

Ah kitten nor me, although they do say dreams often mean the opposite lol  

It really annoys me just how many people think they know better especially when they ttc for less than a year, because apparently its sooooo awful to wait each month   these people have know idea!! The most amazing are those that suggest all these things to try, (do they honestly think, there is anything in the world I haven't tried whilst ttc)  silly silly people


----------



## wishy-washy

Loving this and have to join in. 

Here are some of the comments / situations I’ve found myself in

“Did your mum take a long time to catch?!” From several people including my MIL who knows the problem lies with her son! Why does everyone assume the problem is with me? I suppose there might also be something wrong with me but you don’t need to make me feel bad. I was apparently an accident so no my mum didn’t take a long time to ‘catch’. That makes it sound like pregnancy is a disease or something !

After my M/C the comment “at least you know you can get pregnant” really hurt because in my head I said “Actually I know I can’t get pregnant that’s why I had IVF”.

“You can have some fun trying” – it stops being fun when you have a broken heart every month. 

A friend rang me a week after my M/C, admittedly she didn’t know I’d had IVF or was pregnant but she did know I’d been married for over 4 years and always talked about how much I wanted children. Anyway she phoned and said “you’d never guess what’s happened to me moan moan” and continued to tell me that her boyfriend had got her pregnant and that he didn’t want the baby so she had walked out on him and had had an abortion. And how awful it was and how she was signed off work as she was so ill. 
I just said “I’m signed off sick too and I can’t believe I didn’t bump into you in the waiting room as I have just come out of hospital after having a miscarriage” 
Silence - That shut her up

I haven’t spoken to her since but do feel bad for her as it must have been a difficult decision for her and she’s ended her relationship. It just hurt, why did my baby have to die when she didn’t want hers and went ahead and killed it.  

I was mad at the hospital as I had a missed M/C so had to go and sit in a waiting room for 4 hours with lots of young girls waiting for abortions. Surely they could have had a separate waiting room for those of us who desperately wanted our babies. 

Then there was my midwife (completely not her fault) my doctor had failed to let her know that I had had a M/C and therefore my appointment had not been cancelled. I had scribbled the appointment out in my dairy so as not to have to look at it. Sure enough got a phone call to ask why I hadn’t bothered to turn up for my appointment. BECAUSE I’M NOT PREGNANT! Was my reply followed by 1 hour of crying. 

It took me two visits to the doctors for them to finally update their computer system to say that I wasn’t pregnant. We booked ourselves a holiday abroad. I went to doctors to get the jabs I needed and was told she couldn’t give them to me ‘cos I was pregnant. Luckily I had DH with me to help me cope with that one. 

Oh, I can laugh at this one now, when my MIL heard about our M/C she sent some flowers, they were white and looked just like funeral flowers. I shut them in the downstairs loo and when my DH got back from work I made him throw them out. I wouldn’t have mined had they have been brightly coloured and cheerful. I didn’t need miserable flowers to make me more miserable. She did mean well, I think I probably just over reacted. 

Woops that ended up a bit long, think I had a lot to get off my chest.


----------



## Tama

WOW    it's busy, busy in here today  

I've just sat and read back, I can't get over how cruel, stupid and hurtful people are. I too like to think that most people mean well but sometimes you have to wonder!

About 12 months ago I had a conversation with a girl I work with about ttc. She asked me if I wanted children and I told her a little about the journey dh and I have been on. She said that must be hard and we left it at that. Anyway a few months later I found out she was pg, an accident   Anyway right the way through her pregnancy all she did was come into my office and rub her bump, talk about babies and ask me about my treatment. Then she had the baby and blow me she pops into work with said baby but decides it's a good idea to come hunt me down and stand with baby cooing over it while all the time looking at me. I get the feeling there is part of her that wanted me to say 'oh what a lovely baby' and the other that just wanted to rub my face in it   Okay so maybe I'm sensitive but I think I have a right to be. 

Does anyone else hold their breath when a friend calls that you've not spoken to for a while just waiting for them to announce their pg? I seem to spend my time holding my breath..............oh maybe that's it... I NEED TO BREATH   

Tx


----------



## lizziesiddal

wishy-washy       
Why is it that people who don't want kids or aren't in solid relationships seem to have these 'oops' babies all the time?  There were two women where I used to work who got pregnant accidently for the third time and moaned and moaned about it (usually over lunch).  My stomach used to churn.   

Tama - first, just want to say that you look lovely in your wedding picture.  So pretty.      A similar thing happened to me at work.  My line manager who I spent most of my time with due to the nature of the job was in an on/off relationship.  She knew about DH and me having trouble ttc.  About 15 months in, before we had properly sought medical advice, but knew something was up, we made some long term plans to emigrate.  We basically said that if we couldn't have kids, we would go and live the selfish life of our dreams, buy a one bedroom house somewhere beautiful and work part-time, indulge in our hobbies.  This has partly kept me going during the whole ttc nightmare.  I confided in my line manager about this and told her we had put an application in to emigrate.  I did stress this could take two to three years.  6 weeks later she called me into her office and said she had something to tell me.  For some reason - 6th sense - I knew and blurted out "You're pregnant, aren't you?"  We hugged and I said how pleased I was for her.  She then said this to me, bold as brass:  "I was really shocked when you said you were going to emigrate because I can't do this job without you.  So I've got pregnant.  It means I can take a year off and you can do my job for me.  I wanted you to do it before you leave the country because I know I will be leaving things in capable hands.  Also, I know that you won't be getting pregnant soon either, so that's a bonus.  I'll come back part time before you go, but when you leave the country, I'll time it so I can leave my job and have another baby."  It was all I could do not to throw up on my shoes.  I had hated my job for a while and had been thinking about leaving, but that tipped me over the edge.  I went into my boss's office the next day and told them I would be resigning by the end of the year and I was hoping to leave the country (obviously, things changed and we started treatment, but they don't know that).  Then I went and told my line manager.  It was a sweet moment.  She cried and said how could I leave her in such a predicament!  How could you say what you said to me!?!  I am now working freelance and have never been so happy - well, a baby would be nice too.


----------



## Tama

lizziesiddal  - wow that woman sounds like a right b*tch! Fancy saying she will just time it and have another baby, like it's 'that' easy, talk about rubbing your face in it and then to have the nerve to say 'well you wont be having a baby soon'. How dare she   I really can't get over what people say. Before all this ttc business I knew a few people that had struggled to get pg and I never made comments like it will happen or stop trying so hard. I used to think what do you say, I was never sure so kept my mouth shut unless it was brought up. I say let's write that book and put a few people straight  

Thanks, this is the only photo that I like how I look   I hate having my photo taken (so does dh) so when we got married it was a nightmare come true for both of us   We spent the whole day having a pictures taken and then worried we wouldn't like any of them. Luckily we had enough to make an album  

x


----------



## Hollybags

Gosh Lizziesiddal, your boss sounds like a special kind of selfish headcase! You're well out of it! 

On the subject of terrible things people say, a friend of mine said that she was glad to have had children, because otherwise her life would have been irrelevant.


----------



## Tama

Hollybags -  WTF!!! Did you slap her   I would have trouble not going   at her! You're little man looks so cute   x


----------



## swhattie

Well in all honesty since i got home from work and the new posts have made me seeth.....



kitten80 said:


> socialchameleon
> 
> Lizzieiddal I carn't even get a  in my dream when I pee on a stick


Unfortunatly, since my last BFN i have done nothing but 'get pregnant' in my dreams  the night before last was awful because i actually had a belly and my baby was moving 

Lizzisaddal - I would have ended your boss there and then!!! My boss is just amazing and I couldnt ask for more from her, she already has one little boy and she had been trying for another for about a year (pah - I can beat that 600%!) anyway about a month before my ET I said that we might be pregnant together with any luck and a joke between both of us i said you can tell your DH that if he can just do it within a month that'd be great - anyway 2 weeks later I got a text from an unkown number and it turned out that it was her DH saying 'what you gave me a month to do iv done in a fortnight, be happy for her eh'...... I was soooo upset that she just didnt tell me herself in a nice way!!

There are ALWAYS people bringing their babies into work and it doesnt particularly bother me because I just dont look, its the pregnant womenn that just cant cope with, it kills me.....



wishy-washy said:


> Loving this and have to join in.
> 
> Here are some of the comments / situations Ive found myself in
> 
> Did your mum take a long time to catch?! From several people including my MIL who knows the problem lies with her son! Why does everyone assume the problem is with me? I suppose there might also be something wrong with me but you dont need to make me feel bad. I was apparently an accident so no my mum didnt take a long time to catch. That makes it sound like pregnancy is a disease or something !


When we got the results about our IF and it turned out that it was MF - my ML actually wailed, full pitch and said 'itss wrong, its wrong - this is not my son, its not'............... SHUT UP you silly woman. It is MF, we've dealt with it now you deal with it......


----------



## lizziesiddal

Tama - she was a very unstable person... feel sorry for her child.  Have no idea why you don't like being photographed.  

Hollybags - your friend is right.  HER life would've been an irrelevance without children;  the fact that she now has them does not mean she has found relevance.  Clearly she lacks all sense of self and an imagination.

Social - what a crappy boast from your friend's DH.  A real man has no need to say such things. And what's with the 'be happy for her'.  Who's he to instruct you how to feel?   And your friend should've told him not to have sent it.  I dream of babies too.  Being pregnant, giving birth (it never hurts!) I always wake up and sob because in my dream I am thinking It's finally happened!  I guess it's our psyche wanting it so much.  Hugs        

I'm in a strange situation with my FIL and MIL.  Basically, they had the same MF issues back in the 70s and adopted my DH.  We cannot believe that this situation has hit the family again.  They know what we're going through so have been pretty much brilliant. The only thing that bothers me is MIL who is always saying to me, "Never mind, you can always adopt like we did."  And I can't say that I don't want that because they did it and I married their wonderful son.  But she always seems to be steering me towards that.  Part of me wonders whether it will really hurt her if we do conceive as "we never had things like this in the 70s".  I also keep trying to explain that it's not the same today and babies are not easy to adopt.  Not like in the early 70s when she was taken into a room of row upon row of unwanted 6-week-old foundlings and was told to pick one!  She chose the one that smiled at her with the slightly deformed leg and jaundice (my DH   who incidently has grown into a gorgeous man I want to add!)


----------



## joeyrella

on the life without children being irrelevant, that sounds exactly like DH's great aunt.  she had to have a hysterectomy in her 20s so has no children.  she's was in hospital recently so we were going to visit most nights, as she had very few other people to visit her.  without fail every time i was given a two hour tirade on not ending up like her, being childless and alone, all alone!


----------



## Candee

Hi Lizzie,
I think that is the really annoying thing about people who don't know how things work - I have had
numerous people saying that I should just adopt a baby - if only it were that simple!
I would have adopted but as a single woman at 40 I was told outright that I would never get a baby... 
People have also said to me, "Why don't you just get a baby from China?!" As if you just phone up and ask for one!
Wouldn't life be easier if people could just refrain from talking about what they don't understand!
This week my horrid brother has said that using donors is against nature and that when my baby grows up it will resent
me because its father was a donor!    
Hugs to everyone dealing with the idiots of the world - IF certainly seems to bring them out in force!   
Candee
x


----------



## swhattie

Candee said:


> People have also said to me, "Why don't you just get a baby from China?!" As if you just phone up and ask for one!


Didnt you know Candee, you can literally just nip to Chinese Embassy and for a few Yen you can take your baby home with you that day!


----------



## Candee

SC         
If only!
Candee
x


----------



## lizziesiddal

joeyrella - life without children esp. for woman would be something most of us never comtemplated.  It would take a lot of self-esteem and belief to find your way.  I think you have to find your own relevance in life.  One thing I have noticed is that many women who have children, esp. those that have them early, are the most boring people on earth!  They have no identity outside of their children.  I have sworn that if I am lucky enough to ever have my own bundle, I will continue to have a variety of conversational topics to draw on.  I am sorry for your DH's aunt though.

Candee - I know, I hate it too   :  "Why don't you just adopt?"  As someone who is married to a man who is adopted, I know that it is a lifelong process.  You do not simply sign the papers and that's it.  This is why adopting will be so difficult for us emotionally as DH will be able to empathise with the feelings and questions an adopted child has about their identity and I think he still has many unresolved issues himself.  It is a completely different type of child-rearing, and whilst it is certainly something we might consider, it is not the end of the story i.e. as if you had conceived your own child.  People who say "just adopt" probably do not know anyone who is adopted.  It's just a lazy response to what is a very complicated issue.  

(The Ukraine is the place.  Much quicker than the UK.  Many unwanted babies... so sad   ).


----------



## PKM

socialchameleon said:


> Candee said:
> 
> 
> 
> People have also said to me, "Why don't you just get a baby from China?!" As if you just phone up and ask for one!
> 
> 
> 
> Didnt you know Candee, you can literally just nip to Chinese Embassy and for a few Yen you can take your baby home with you that day!
Click to expand...

It's absurd isn't it. I heard "Why don't people adopt the THOUSANDS of unwanted babies?" It made me spit feathers (thanks Nan for that phrase, still using it).... are people so out of touch with reality that they don't know there are NOT thousands of unwanted babies - we're not living in the 50's anymore!

Grrrr

And relax


----------



## joeyrella

i love it   'hello is that china? i'd like a baby please'
i absolutely hate the word 'just' that everyone seems to put before 'adopt'   like its a decision you can make just like that, and like its that easy.
on the irrelevance of people without children i completely agree with you lizzie.  its just a shame that so many mummies glaze over when they realise they are talking to someone childless.  my own mother also beat me with this particular stick.  she's been made redundant and been sent on a stupid course to help her in getting her confidence back, anyway one of the group exercises they had was a theoretical situation where a boat was sinking and out of a list of 20 imaginary people's profiles they had to pick 5 to put in the lifeboat and save, then justify why.  my mum only picked the characters who were mothers to save.    you would allow your own daughter to drown just because i am not worth saving as a childless woman    the worst thing was she brought the sheet of paper home especially to show me!


----------



## swhattie

joeyrella said:


> i love it  'hello is that china? i'd like a baby please'


 

 'oh certainly madam, we have a BOGOF deal on all babies today and we can send your child of choice out special delivery on all orders made before 12pm'


----------



## beachgirl

GOsh, so many replies on just day...why can't people think before they speak? It would cause so much less pain...


----------



## jo_11

This thread is great; so cathartic.

Love the idea of just ringing China and placing your baby order... get one for me while you're on the 'phone   What planet do people live on  

The one that I've had, which hurt the most, yet was the most innocent was from my friend's six year old little girl:

Little girl:  "Jo, are you a mummy?".
Me:  "No."
Little girl:  Big pause, then asked, wide-eyed, "Then what ARE you?".
Me:  ** totally speechless **

That was a couple of years ago and I still think about it a lot now.  

x


----------



## beachgirl

Jo    from the mouth of babes....


----------



## squiggles

Jo -  

I have recently been told by a lady all about how when she started to ttc she thought it would take her months and she got caught in the first month and what a shock it was.  Also her niece tried for 3 years, moved house and then got pg just like that.

This is the woman who is giving me counselling for IF.  I kid you not.  I cannot get pg naturally due to blocked tubes and have recently had a bfn from my 1st IVF and am broken hearted.  She is a nice lady but really, I didn't need to hear her stories.

x


----------



## jo_11

Thanks for the  

AlisonM:  I had my EC and ET on the same days as you... and got a BFN too unfortunately  

I do wonder what people thing these 'good luck' stories will achieve?  Perhaps they think some of the luck will rub off on us when, in reality, it just makes the dream feel like it's slipping just that little bit further away because for every lucky person, surely there has to be an unlucky one (or that's how it feels).

Ho hum, we'll all get there in the end, for definite... I'm sure getting rid of this pent up   on here must help!

 to all.

xxx


----------



## Mousky

I would like to send to all of you some   

The amount of terrible things you've been told.

Btw, on the boss/friends stories it just makes me be sure women are worse.
Pure cruelty! 

This thing with m/c ladies going to the same room as abortion ladies      WTF??  Where is it?



jo_1105 said:


> Love the idea of just ringing China and placing your baby order... get one for me while you're on the 'phone  What planet do people live on


Indeed, if only.
We actually consider adoption regardless of tx result but everything is so difficult.
But all this idiots think indeed you just get into a room, pick a baby and then take home 

And on the relevance of life without children I must admit that even though I do have projects for if we don't get them, it's more like a plan B  

Candee - I think you have posted some other pearls from your brother?  

I cannot remember  who asked about being afraid to talk to friends who might announce their pregnancy. Something about holding their breath? Guilty as charged!      

Lots of 

Mousky xx


----------



## lizziesiddal

Allison - that's disgraceful that the woman treating you for IF is boasting about her own success stories.  What is wrong with people?  

Jo -      Sorry about your BFN.  Similar to what the little girl said, but mine was an adult.  I used to teach in a huge comp and my classroom backed onto another room which was empty.  The teacher came back from a long term sick and I was dying to meet her as I was lonely over that part of the school.  Monday morning:

Me: Hello! It's nice to meet you. It's so nice to have someone in the classroom behind me...!
Her: Yes... I've been off sick.  I only work three days a week though because I have a daughter. Do you have children?
Me: No...
Her: Oh!!    *Walks off. Barely passes the time of day with me again*

WTF?

Mousky - I know it will be a plan B, but what a plan B!  Man, am I going to be so selfish.  It won't fill ' the void' but I'm not going to sit around and let life pass me by.  We will travel, emigrate and then when exhausted foster or adopt.  I will also have more dogs (once we stop moving about).  Basically, I'm going to go into retirement, work when we have to and live life to the max.  I have to tell myself this else I picture myself as I am at the moment on the 2ww.  Greasy hair, spots, no direction... 
And I know what you mean when you get another pregnancy announcement... When I get a call from someone I haven't spoken to for ages, I have to make sure I'm sat down as my legs go to jelly when they tell me their happy news.  Grrr...


----------



## PKM

I'm ashamed to say that this was from someone within my family at the start of our IVF/ICSI journey.

This person said "Yes, I know about IFV, I supported my freind X through hers, only..... between you and me, the baby is a little bit, well you know..... slow"

Have no words to express my feelings on one.


----------



## lizziesiddal

Morning PKM!  I thought I was the only nutter up!    : 

God, what a shocking statement to make about a child anyway!  And it has nothing to do with IVF... although someone posted somewhere on here that IVF children sometimes don't develop as quickly as others - they are loved so much their parents never want to put them down. 

Grrr again.


----------



## PKM

Hi Lizzie

I'm still in work mode despite being off this week!

Yes this person reads the Daily Mail (but not in an ironic way)..... lol

When my sister's freind died in a scooter accident she also said "well at least he died right away and isn't paralysed for life" hmmmm...... it's odd the way other people think. I'm not exactly conventional but that is a strange view.


----------



## Mousky

Morning ladies,

Lizzie - lets hope you'll get good news this time   Hopefully you won't be needing plan B but if you/we do I agree it's somewhat refreshing to have plans and projects. I don't think only people with children are relevant beings. I know a few people who don't have any kids, couldn't or didn't want to, and they actually live pretty well. It's just that I really want to  And tbh we sort of have some crazy life style with lots of travelling - our Yorkie usually goes with us  - and we're only willing to change it if/when the kids are there and need to go to school 

PMK - seriously  Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think there's no scientific data that IVF babies are _slow_  There are so many things out there to be taken in account. Some people... 

Mousky xx


----------



## PKM

Mousky said:


> PMK - seriously  Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think there's no scientific data that IVF babies are _slow_  There are so many things out there to be taken in account. Some people...


No, precisely, it shows unbelievable ignorance and insensitivity.

Oh gawd - now I'm remembering more of her 'gems'..... in May when I miscarried she said "well, you _have_ just had a lovely holiday to the Carribean". She tried to infer that flying might have contributed or that I 'overdid' it - and it somehow was MY fault.

She's an odd one that's for sure - sometimes she's lovely but verbally she is like trying to remove a splinter with a chainsaw.

Actually I am enjoying this recollection rather than being upset by it


----------



## lizziesiddal

Mousky - you're not me in disguise are you?  I can't say I'm very well travelled, but do like to visit different countries and I have a Yorkie too!    I desperately want a child too, but I have to keep my mind running along two tracks as I would go   
Big hugs   There is no scientific data as far as I know about IVF babies being slow... 


PKM - you're friends tongue is hinged in the middle.  She is a guts to gob kinda girl!


----------



## Mousky

Of course not! Maybe those are the people who say it's against nature or Gods will. Then whenever something goes wrong they say it's some sort of punishment for having played God or some sort of  

The same with flying. I find it highly unlikely that it would cause someone to m/c. I know many women are afraid though. In my case, unless there would be something terribly wrong I would deffo be flying  

Lizzie - our Yorkie is our furbaby   I'm sure our journey would have been much harder without him  

xx


----------



## Kitten 80

Well after 1 hour of reading all the posts  I say up yours to all those ignorant, selfish people and even if my baby was slow whats it got to with them I wouldn't love he/she any differant.

Social I do dream I have actually had baby some times girl some times boy but its so nice for a while my last one was seeing my little boy on the beach running towards water and I'm swimming with him lifting him above water then getting out he then holds DH hand then holds his other hand up for me to grab and we walk along beach it was beautiful then I woke up , yes I cry ed because it was the first proper dream I have actual thought was real.

Oh and the hospital where I was when I got told I had to have an emergency op because ectopic and the silly cow sitting opposite no older then 14 said I don't no if i want IT was basildon and there maternity ward is right next door to the patients who have lost there baby's.


----------



## coweyes

Hi there

The whole conversation on having "a slow child" due to ivf, i thought i would add what i know (well been told)  Statistically there is no evidence that due to ivf a child is slow.  But there is evidence that a higher level of children have autism, down syndrome etc etc, but this is not due to the ivf process it is due to the fact that (as with normal pg) you have a higher risk the older the lady is.  There is obviously statistically a lot of older woman who have ivf.  I hope this makes sense and stops people worrying. x x


----------



## Kitten 80

Perfect sense sweete thank you


----------



## isobel snow drop

Well to put my two penneth in I re reading a couple of yrs ago that ivf children did better at school, I cant re what reasons were given but maybe because they are much wanted children they are given more attention from their parents and therefore progress quicker. I know my two are highely intelligent and have always been advanced for their yrs (must take after their mother)


----------



## Candee

Everytime I read this thread I am amazed by how many total metalists there are and the bloody ridiculous things they say...
Just when you think it can't get any worse, it appears that the childless should be left to drown and when we do get our IVF
babies, then they will all be slow!     For Goodness sake! Give us a break.
And as for the flying, I had my donor treatment in South Africa and flew 14 hours home, so what a load of rubbish it is
that you can't fly!  
Give us a break - I think we need some group hugs!      
Candee
x


----------



## Mousky

True. The fertility clinic I go to is actually inside the hospitals maternity ward    It doesn't bother me at all - I actually find it inspiring   - but I'm sure some people must feel bad about it    

Yes for the


----------



## PKM

Hello everyone - wow - I hope she hasn't upset you all too much!

..... I should just point out that it was said by someone who knows nothing about IVF OR child development OR ANY form of disability!!! I'm not even sure what her point was (if any) she just one of those negative people - if you said "Hey I bought a new car", she'd say "I know someone who died in a crash" ie it's negative and it's irrelevant! 

Don't have nightmares ladies!


----------



## swhattie

kitten80 said:


> Oh and the hospital where I was when I got told I had to have an emergency op because ectopic and the silly cow sitting opposite no older then 14 said I don't no if i want IT was basildon and there maternity ward is right next door to the patients who have lost there baby's.


Whenh I had my M/C we were sent up in lift with a family who were carrying 'its a boy' balloons and really going at the old enthusiasm - the place where they send you when you have a M/C is on the delivery/maternity ward...... who the **** thought that was a good idea? I wanted to break someones neck and i thought DH was going to kill someone


----------



## beachgirl

I saw an old friend today who has 2 children and all she kept saying 'well, you know what it's like don't you...' when talking her about girls...err no I actually don't...


----------



## lizziesiddal

Mousky said:


> True. The fertility clinic I go to is actually inside the hospitals maternity ward   It doesn't bother me at all - I actually find it inspiring  - but I'm sure some people must feel bad about it


Same here. I don't mind it too much, but I do object to them all stood outside in their dressing gowns holding their huge bumps with one and hand and their cigarettes in the other.

Another hug in order, I think


----------



## isobel snow drop

Our clinic is the same right next to the maternity bit and yeah I hate seeing them all outside smoking yet protectively holding their bump  Makes me so angry......and sad


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

I feel quite lucky that when I had my ectopic I should have been put on maternity ward as a gyne thing but because of what my surgery was for the hospital were actually caring (and actually thoughtful) and placed me on a day surgery ward instead (no babies in sight).  Everyone was coming and going daily and I was the only resident for a week - a nice touch though I thought


----------



## joeyrella

when i went to have abnormal cervical cells removed they made me wait in the maternity waiting room with all those smiling pregnant ladies.  it was terrible, having to be called in a special room that no one else was being called into and then having the nurses very flippant with the fact that the treatment could affect whether or not i could get pregnant.  then to top it off i had to come trooping out back through the waiting room and had outright hostile stares from some of the pregnant ladies, i think they probably thought the room i went in was for people having abortions.  i cried all the way to the car     
i went to my nan's today and had to hear all about how my cousin is getting sterilised when she has her third c-section, like that's exactly what i want to hear right now - waiting for AF so i can start my second round of (probably pointless) IUI.   she's a year younger than me and she's got a three year old, a 7 month old and she is 6 months pregnant.  she can't wait to be able to stop popping them out, i can't even get anywhere near getting pregnant just once.


----------



## LuuLuu

I hate seeing those pg ladies smoking outside - it's unbelievable!!!


----------



## cao

Big   to all.

Just wanted to say thank you ladies for posting what people have said and how you have felt, it makes me feel quite normal iykwim! 

When I had my mc Gp said 'well at least you know that you can get that far' like it's some sort of consulation prize, "sorry no baby but here have your hopes raised and then shattered." This was after waiting in surgery where only available seat was next to new born baby who when the mum came out was explaining how they'd given her methodone. (I guess though really i should think at least sh had gone to get help so she could be a drug free mummy to her baby.) When they finally let me go to epu after having to pay for lots of private bloods and scans to see what was going on, I also had to wait in area where there were lots of pg women and posters about babies, toys around for kids to play with etc. Then the nurse i saw said did I really want an erpc I could jsut carry on waiting to mc. (We had known from beginning that hcg level was low, first scan was inconclusive, 2nd also required bloods and more prodding around and waiting.) I had gone on like this for about 6 weeks, I didn't want an erpc but quite frankly emotionally couldn't take anymore. Although I must say the nurses who looked after me when I had erpc were lovely and it was a speparate gynea ward so no pg ladies around.

Social- So sorry about your bfn  

More   to all

cao


----------



## Kitten 80

Cao for your MC

OK I am peed off with people who say oh don't have children they turn your head into mush thats what a customer just said to me after she couldn't find her credit card I said funny you should say that I,m starting ICSI/IVF NEXT MONTH stupid *** well I didn't actual call her any thing just thought it, she replied oh well done you, yer you soon changed your tune don't no how blimin lucky you are.

Yesterday me and DH on our way back from a shock appointment because we start TX next month instead of march we were discusing the procedure and a man was ear wigging and said are you going to have IVF well I said yes with a big grin and DH  did as well the man replied we spent thousands and it didn't work for us WTF you don't tell people that arrrrrr sorry for the moan guys other than that I'm well excited


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

Kitten - good luck with the tx        Will keep everything crossed for you


----------



## Kitten 80

Thank you and congrats on you twins


----------



## Dee.Dee.32

thanks  

Our tx was pushed forward unexpectedly too - we went just to sign forms etc in the October but because of the inevitable shut down of xmas they said that unless we started there and then we would have to wait until months after xmas - they asked about my dates/cycle etc and I was within a day of being ok to start - one day later and we would have had to wait  .  So altough it was a shock we went and collected our drugs that day, was shown how to inject etc and got our BFP days before xmas!  I wish the same happy result for you too (as long as you don't mind twins of course   )


----------



## Kitten 80

I wouldn't mind only they are only putting 1 emby back  , reason we are being put forward is to do with were we live


----------



## poodlelover

Just read a few of the posts on this topic. Not sure whether to laugh or cry! As me nan used to say "We're alright it's the others"!! Thing is I'm not usually one who bears a grudge or falls out with people or who is at all hyper sensitive, but I can honestly say I can remember exactly who has said what to me if they have upset me over a tactless deed or word regarding babies and preg. A so called friend of mine recently announced her (3rd and unplanned) pregnancy in my birthday card!!! Was totally flabbergasted and upset the whole day. Baby due any day now and really finding it hard to think have got to send a congrats card to her. 
Another friend who got married in April then got preg in May told me she was 5 wks prg then said "it'll be your turn next!!". What! Felt like screaming "it was my turn way before yours actually!!!" ttc for 7 years doesn't compare to a month at all. GGRRRR 

Good job we're all so strong and such stable and positive human beings innit. Pass me the gin ha ha

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Lentil

Having found out that we have lost a twin at our 2nd scan my sister texts me and says 'chin up and legs up' - I wasnt impressed and I am sure she meant well but why dont people sometimes realise it is best just to say 'I am heartbroken for you and here if you need me' rather than something which quite frankly sounded glib.


----------



## lizziesiddal

Hi ladies,

Well, I just have to post this and laugh else I will stick my head in the oven!

Pretty certain that this cycle of ICSI is over. Although I don't test until tomorrow, I have full flow AF (tmi)...

I pm'd a friends earlier to let her know. She has been with me on this journey for over three years; in fact she is my best friend from school, so known each other nearly 20 years. This is the gist of her response:

I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out. I know you must be sad. I'm upset like you today because my daughter got told off at school yesterday and was made to stand against the wall. Also, I know how inconvenient it is when you can't time (time!) a baby for when you want else my other daughter wouldn't have been born so close to Christmas.... have I told you how cute my youngest daughter is? We were in a taxi the other day with a couple and she charmed them so much, they paid for the taxi ride. Well, hope you get what you want eventually, you always do.

Obviously I've paraphrased and punctuated - she doesn't do much of that (let me be a b*tch today!!!) Please tell me it's not just me. WTF?


----------



## lizziesiddal

Lentil - just read your post.  I feel heartbroken for you and FF is here for you.      (I just think people don't know what to say...)


----------



## Kitten 80

Sorry for your loss Lentil   people are just ignorant honey thats what I'm starting to realise weather they mean it or not.

Oh LIZZIE please tell me you told her what for that is no responce that you need at a time like this  .

I'm actully fuming over that


----------



## Tama

Lentil - so sorry to hear about your loss 

I'm not sure if any of you have seen this but I've just sat at work and  my eyes out. Maybe we need to send this to a few people.....

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Tx


This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that 
fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Tama

lizziesiddal - OMG... WTF....I'd have gone mad! Does she think that her daughter being told off is the same things............arhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Did you say anything to her? I don't think I could have held back! I'm so sorry hun


----------



## Kitten 80

I don't think I could my paitants is slowly running out with people like that.


----------



## always

lizziesiddal - WTF?? I though some of my friends were bad... that is awful. Have you replied to her?

I work in an office full of men, so would expect it to be less child chat but beginning to realise it doesnt really make a difference! Today I once of the guys who is due to be a first time daddy soon, was walking around with another colleague when she said she is walking round with him and it is constant "baby talk" so taking forever, to which another male colleague blurts out "oh been there done that" yeah cheers! 

Lentil - sending you big hugs   

tama - i have that video saved and have watched it several times, the only thing I struggle with is how to send it out to people, what to say, without pushing it on them as if to say - "feel sorry for me" I dont want their pity, just a bit of understanding and thoughtfulness when they say things. Has anyone forwarded this on and how did you do it? I did think about doing it as a link on ******** but then too many people that dont need to know my history will know as well.


----------



## Tama

always - I was thinking the same thing. How do you open the conversation in an email and then say watch this?! My BF really needs to watch this as does my sister but I just can't think of a way to send it without offending them or like you say making them pity me. I was thinking of sending an email to my friend trying to explain why I had to take a step back when she was pg and now she has her baby, she was very upset with me, but I just couldn't handle it. Maybe that coupled with a note saying I don't have the words to explain to you how I feel but this video sums it up?


----------



## lizziesiddal

I haven't replied and I'm not going to.  If you read a few posts back a few weeks ago, this is the same woman who posted on ******** that she had sold her cot after saying I could buy it from her.  It wasn't that I actually wanted the cot, but she obviously thought I was taking too long to have a baby and rather than discussing it with me (I would've understood), she just updated her status. I don't think people mean what they do; they haven't walked a mile in our shoes.  I think I might take step back from this friendship.


----------



## Mousky

Wow, it gets worse!  

Lentil - sorry about your twin    

Lizzie - what can I say?      

 everyone!

xx


----------



## LuuLuu

Lentil - so sorry to hear your news.


----------



## MsAsian

Hi everyone,

sorry havent posted here for a long time, but have been reading all the stories.

Lentil - I am so sorry to hear your loss, I meant to post earlier but didn't really know what to tell you   Take good care of yourself, dh and the little beanie

Lizzie - I dont really know why people say these things, here is a big hug for you  

Tama - thank you very much for sharing that link. I nearly   It really shows the path all of us are travelling. I wish all those ppl telling us stupid things will see and understand what IF is doing to those ppl affected by it.

This was something my mum told me, I was thinking whether to post it or not. I think I am ready to share it. On my very first scan there were two sacs but only one had something in it other was empty. In my second and subsequent scans it showed two heartbeats but one sac was always smaller than the other. Suddenly around 7-8 weeks my progesterone level dropped and I was trying to think why it was so because upto that time my progesterone was increasing. I was not having another scan for 2 weeks and it was driving me  . My mum over the phone told me that it could be the "smaller twin not making it". She is a medical professional too and it is logical to think what she told me BUT to tell that to me over the phone   I was so upset and I told her (very firmly), both babies are OK and if she ever want to talk to me about my pregnancy not to say anything bad about my babies. She was so upset when I told her that, but I couldnt help it, she apologized profoundly. But hurt was already done.
Anyway both my babies are with me and I hope and   that they will stay with me for the next 6 months and then with us forever.

MsAsian


----------



## cao

Hi everyone!

Lentil- So sorry to hear about your little one  

Lizzie- She is truely unbelievable   I can't believe the comment about timing and Christmas. If only that was our problem having a baby so close to Christmas!  I think it's so true what you said about people just really not getting it. My friend sent a card to say sorry about our last icsi not working and then said but be happy in the mean time. I know she really meant well but it almost made me feel bad for feeling upset about it. She was ttc naturally and also had an mc (like I had on 1st icsi) and she was worried same would happen with her next pg I was trying to be very supportive and she sent me message on day of scan Lesson of day good things come to those who wait. She had waited less than a year, we've been at it for nearly 5 with 2 icsis ( I would have done alot more by now if only we had the funds), how long do I have to wait? But i know really she didn't mean any harm.

Anyway a big   to those who need it.

cao


----------



## coweyes

Some people are unbelievable!! 

Something that really gets on my nerves (and its not even a negative comment, but the truth).  Is the " at least your young"   like it makes it all soooo much better for us!! None of our friends of our age have got fertility issues, so just makes me feel even more isolated!  and if you are young, then why have we got infertility! its a case of stating the bxxxxy obvious!!


----------



## isobel snow drop

Cowseyes,

People used to say it to me when i was having my first txs in my very early twenties and I didnt like hearing it either however I now appreciate what they meant now Im 36 and Im afraid I have found myself saying it to people too  xx


----------



## coweyes

Tama

I watched that video, its is all so so true.  I thought about sending it out to people but i dont want people to think i am trying 2 make them feel sorry for me.  

I really struggle with the way people just dismiss our fertility issues, even my very good friends dont understand and end up saying something silly.  I then try to remind myself that no one can truly know unless they have been  there, but even still a little bit of though fullness would not go a miss!  I have really struggled the last few days and often feel it would be easier to stay at home then face people with there stupid comments.  My sister in law has just had a miscarrage at 12 weeks, so i have been texting her, trying to support her (not that she has done that for me at any stage)!.  Anyway asked if i was going to a family party, i said maybe but that i found family get to gethers hard.  The conversation went on (by next) and out of the blue she says " o have you considered adopting" wtf!!!.  Of course we have, but we have not even given ivf a good go yet.  I would never have turned around and said to her after her miscarrage, so are you going to try again!  I was jet again surprised by how thoughtless and inconsiderate people can be.  If you dont know what to say then SAY NOTHING!!  I will not talk to her again about our fertility issues.

There is recognition over most problems in life, but peoples answer to infertility is "o it will happen"   I really wish i could just not feel bothered by peoples comments, as i am beginning to feel quite angry and resentful of the world.  Which is something i obviously dont want to be doing, i have never lost it with anyone jet and really dont feel that it would do any good.  I really want to work on the basic that people are naive about infertility and possible educate them if its appropriate, but always feel so sick and agitated when someone makes a flippent comment that i end up saying nothing and feeling really down.  Sorry for the negative message, but really feel like i needed to get things off my chest. I need to get some ballace back into my life, i have lots of good days and then several really low days, guess i am still struggling after our recent icsi cycle that ended in an early miscarrage.  Right enough from me i will no longer be negative, sorry everyone i am normally a positive person honestly.  Thanks for listening


----------



## isobel snow drop

Coweyes-  It is hard honey and your right noone knows what we go through unless they have walked in our shoes. Just wanted to tell you your not alone


----------



## PKM

coweyes said:


> Some people are unbelievable!!
> 
> Something that really gets on my nerves (and its not even a negative comment, but the truth). Is the " at least your young"  like it makes it all soooo much better for us!! None of our friends of our age have got fertility issues, so just makes me feel even more isolated! and if you are young, then why have we got infertility! its a case of stating the bxxxxy obvious!!


Coweyes - I think if they don't have fertility problems then they won't understand full stop. For us ladies who do have problems we do....... that's the sum of it.

.... but the ticking clock is pretty loud when you get up close to it!! I feel like I'm trapped inside a grandfather clock right now!!!  .... no make that a MASSIVE cuckoo clock (or is it just me going cuckoo)?

 xx


----------



## coweyes

Thank you PKM and isobel snow drop i think your both correct.  If they have not had fertility issues then they dont understand, so that leads on to my next question, do you bother trying to talk to people about it?? i have been really struggling with this one lately.  I tell people then feel disappointed by their response, so am court between telling people and excepting they try with their response, but except that they will probably not get it right.  Or say very little and dont try to express how difficult it is, and just except that they dont understand and that this is not their fault??  If you know what i mean  .  I have begun to feel constantly frustrated with people and feel like i could quite easily distance myself from everyone even my best friends who have tried, but also dont really know what to say.  Think people just think that i am being melodramatic!! I have got myself all court up and confused by things the last few days. Does anyone else go through these weird self obsessed phases? Thank you for listening yet again xxxxxxx


----------



## isobel snow drop

Oh yeah all the time Coweyes  I was very honest with everyone about my tx this time (apart from my mum and dad as I didnt want them getting upset if it didnt work) everyone at work knew about it and have all been quite good but I do get the feling the just dont get it  After my mmc I kept getting txts saying "never mind I had a m/c and look at me now with 5 kids" All I kept thinking was yes but you didnt have to save up thousands of pounds and go through all the injections and hormones being all over etc etc and now we have to do the same thing all over again!! 

I definately think I will play my cards a bit closer to my chest next time


----------



## PKM

It's important to remember that, nobody thinks or feels things exactly like you do. It's  hard for even the best of friends to remember all the details or understand all your situation.... we feel it evey waking moment, to a greater or lesser degree. We can't expect friends and family to do the same.

Some people are not good with words, or dealing with other peoples grief (and I think miscarriage and failed tx cycles are periods of greif)... But it doesn't mean they don't care - I do forgive people for being human (my little sis sent me a pic of my 2yr old neice in a pumpkin outfit just as I was going down for EC and had just been told DH had 99% abnormal sperm - I was REALLY upset but I know she was just trying to send some love)- the only ones I cannot forgive is my jealous friend mentioned earlier in the thread... or people who really go on about 'their children' stories all the time like some girls have described on here (luckiliy I don't have those people around but I know the types).

It is very hard to keep a healthy perspective.

I really agree with Isobel - I only told a few - a couple at work and a couple of friends and couple of family - however I am not telling anyone next time - they forget where you are in your cycle and this can be inadvertently inappropriate.


----------



## coweyes

PKM and isobel snow white - It is hard to know when your being over sensitive or when someone is being quite rude and inconsiderate, well this is what i find.  I really really above all want to not care about others comments and others situations such as when they tell me their pg.  I want to be able to say to myself it makes no difference to me and my goal, but this is some thing that i find hard.  I dont want to fill my head with negative thoughts of the world and become bitter and twisted.

Has anyone considered turning to religion for support??  I am not religious but have wandered if it would help me find a more peaceful state of mind.


----------



## isobel snow drop

Well Im muslim and I do find it helps me to accept what things have happened  and to move on. I think having a faith just helps generally in all aspects of your life (just my opinion before you all jump on me )
xxxxxx


----------



## swhattie

Coweyes - I have never been particularly religious atall and TBH this entire thing as made me turn away from it even more but I think its fantastic that it helps people....

XXXX


----------



## Tama

coweyes - I totally know what you mean. I find that I fight within myself all the time, between trying to understand why people do and say what they do but also fighting the negative angry feelings. I don't think there is a right answer, unfortunately. I think one day at a time is all you can do. I avoid situations where there will be babies, bumps, small children and the talk of babies. Part of me resents having to do this and the other part knows that it's all about self preservation. People that have never experience infertility will never understand, they may try to but most of the time they will fail I guess we have to face the fact that this is just the way it is. I think there are two types of people, there are the ones that really do try and comfort you and there are then just the rude, ignorant people that really don't care if they upset you or not. Sorry I'm rambling! What I'm trying to say is that you have to try to tune comments out. I leave rooms when pg ladies come in or the take turns to babies, if people think that's rude, tough. 

As for your question about Religion. I'm not sure about that, I'm not really Religious. I do pray but am not a church goer. I hope that you find the piece that you are looking for. Sometimes I find just having a really good rant on FF helps or talking to dh - he's always on my side and makes me feel better.

Hope everyones okay. Sending BIG      I think we all need them    

Tx


----------



## Kitten 80

you back Tama


----------



## PKM

coweyes said:


> Has anyone considered turning to religion for support?? I am not religious but have wandered if it would help me find a more peaceful state of mind.


Philosophy yes. Religion no.

I could highly recommend reading 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom - it REALLY helped me get some perspective on a couple of occasions in my life.

...and 'The Tao of Pooh' by Benjamin Hoff - helped me to understand how not to fight against things you can't change but work with things you can


----------



## Tama

Oh Jo I'm so glad someone else is into the whole psychic medium thing. I had a reading done and she told me I'd have two boys, the first their conceived or born in November and the second either conceived or born in March. Now I know this isn't 100% fact but it did make me feel a little better. One of my very good friends from FF told me about her. My dh thinks I'm mad and it's all rubbish but I think that you need to have an open mind


----------



## PKM

Lucky your DHs seem quite tolerant!! My DH would drive me to Beachy Head and push me off if I suggested that!!!


----------



## Mousky

Hey there,

I would first like to send lots of    to all of you struggling with IF  



coweyes said:


> If they have not had fertility issues then they dont understand, so that leads on to my next question, do you bother trying to talk to people about it??


Well, we decided against it. I know this is completely personal choice and some couples can really use some support from family and friends. We just decided we would tell when the baby is there but lately I've been asking myself, what for? 

For me, it's very important to keep feeling _normal _  I don't want to walk around carrying my infertility badge  Obviously, some days are very bad and like we discussed before having a baby is my number 1 dream. But I'm healthy (despite AF), DH and I are surviving this all, we have an OK life, we do nice things... for those who don't know we're ttc - everyone  - our life looks great. I just want to enjoy life as much as I can. My father died very unexpectedly when he was visiting us for last years holidays. I was in the middle of our 3rd and last IUI and got AF on the day he was being cremated, his birthday, actually. It just helps me put things in perspective 

Also, I never forget that those people saying all the stupid things might also have problems I'm unaware or just can't understand the way they feel 

I hope you'll find some comfort here @ FF, with your partner, family, friends, religion whatever helps you to carry on   

And btw, in Aug when we're almost having our tx cancelled, MIL sent us to this astrologist friend. We obviously didn't say anything about ttc/IF  but she kept on going about months next year when I could be pregnant  Of course, I just wanted anything to give me hope so I thought mmm I'll get pregnant now and then in Feb/May (months she mentioned) I'll be pregnant  Well, I got a BFN and we are planning FET for February. If it doesn't work I would guess another fresh cycle in May?   For the record, circumstances are indicating these months  I just hope that woman is right and we'll have our baby within the year   

Lizzie - how are you? 

PKM - don't tell your DH 

Stay strong everyone 

Lots of 

Mousky


----------



## beachgirl

Think we're all in need of a group hug      or few.....

BTW- I do love the Mitch Albom books, just bought his newest for DH for Xmas


----------



## Irish Dee

Hello to all the lovely ladies on this thread,

I wrote this just before we started our 2nd cycle, (unfortunately BFN), but I was feeling very upbeat when I wrote this and sometimes we need a bit of perspective.  Slightly off topic, but thought is fit here.

Massive hugs to everyone,

Dee
************************************************************************
It's important to remember.....................

As we embark on our 2nd cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 37, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


----------



## kitten77

about telling people - well we have done it all, told everyone, told no one, told a few - each time as stressful as the next!!!! cant win can you

this time we only told parents (and one very good friend couple), but when we let people know it had failed, all we got back from one family member was that they knew we were keeping something from them and why we they not involved   - becuase its all about them all the time isnt it!!!! argggh! would have liked a 'im sorry' or something but nothing. 

as for the medium thing, well i had a reading a few months ago, got told that my grampy had two kids with him waiting to come to me. brilliant i thot, and this has kept not only me going but my mum to (it was her dad).  its weird tho, only this week another medium sent me a message thro a friend saying that i will carry a donor egg! i dont want to hear that so not believing it (hahaha, can you pick and choose what you believe!!!haha) and another medium last year said i would be pregnant in 2011 - hope its not that long but if it is i will wait. 

religion is a dodgy ground, but i find religion fasinating, i think it brings comfort and hope to many, so how can that be a bad thing.  totally believe something higher than us, dont know what tho.


----------



## kitten77

Dee - here here


----------



## Mousky

ditto, Dee


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## lizziesiddal

Hey Mousky - I'm okay, hon.     How are things with you? 

PKM - I love 'Tuesdays with Morrie'.  Have you seen the film too?

Point me in the direction of God... I have some questions for him     
Was brought up in a very religious family, but I'm not religious anymore.  A lot of my family are and I know my aunt asked for the pastor to pray for me at communion on Sunday.  Didn't work, though.  

Dee - fantastic post

As for telling people... I'm actually sick of hiding it.  The question is 'When are you going to have kids?' to which I always mumble, 'Soon.. some time, I hope."  I've decided that I am not going to lie any more and the next time someone asks me this question, I'm going to look them in the eye and say "We can't have children naturally.  I have been through one failed cycle of IVF and we are planning on trying again soon."  Why should I squirm and mumble?  I'm not ashamed.  I won't volunteer the information, but if they have the naivety and audacity to ask someone such as personal question, I am going to turn it back on to them.  I have been accused of being a 'career woman' (like that's a bad thing) and not a very nice person because I 'don't want kids'.  Because I work in schools, it is frowned upon even more not to want children. It's like working at Cadbury's, but not liking chocolate.  I am tired of feeling like a pariah and I am going to tell people the truth.  I won't tell them when I am having treatment, but I am not going to hide our infertility any longer.  Rant over.  

 in order, I feel.


----------



## swhattie

On the subject of telling people, I tell everyone...... I think IVF is a taboo enough subject and I dont want to make it to be like that around ther people who I work with, I refuse to lie when people ask me when Im going to have a baby, i just say 'after Iv got over my last failed cycle and I have saved enough money for my next one - would you like to donate anything since your interested'

i actually think that in this day and age when it is quite common knowledge that struggling for a child is more common that question 'when are you going to have a baby' is a tactless thing to say...... When people moan about having a boy when they wanted a girl I will quite happily say 'well, lets be fair you could be unlucky and have none at all'.

Im not going to cover it up and I dont do it for pity I do it to educate the people that think (and there are many in my experience) that think it takes one month to get pregnant and no more!!

I even tell strangers in shops if it warrants it and its very surprising how many people will then say 'i had IVF for my kids' etc!!


----------



## kitten77

socialchameleon said:


> I even tell strangers in shops if it warrants it and its very surprising how many people will then say 'i had IVF for my kids' etc!!


true true, when you bring it up, its surprising! and totally agree that it is taboo enough, im with you on that one, im gonna take the view to say it when people ask to, im sick to death of people asking and i mumble something to just get off the subject.


----------



## Tama

lizziesiddal & socialchameleon I'm with you. I think that if you are comfortable with telling people you should and like you say why is it us that feels like we have to offer a muffled comment!

Jo - I had the reading done 3 months ago. She doesn't give you a year so it could be conceive this November or it could be next or it could be give birth next Nov etc. Of course I'm   that I'll conceive this month but also very aware that there is only a 20-25% chance of that. I think there is a part of me that is clinging to it as my cousin is about to give birth to her first baby (only took her 3 months to conceive) and I've kind of gotten to the point now where another pg announcement will push me over the edge  



T x


----------



## PKM

lizziesiddal said:


> PKM - I love 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. Have you seen the film too?


No, haven't seen that. I might order it. But I've read the book 3 times now, it makes me cry like a baby..... most importantly it reminds me of what is good in my life and what things are important around me, and to take time to notice things and not rush by and not be quite so self obsessed (which I must confess this journey does at times).... it makes me vow to live my life a little more selflessly. I wasn't so keen on One More Day but I did like Five People.

This is why I do not want to become too focussed on what people do say/don't say. I'm quite forthright and heavy footed sometimes but I certainly wouldn't want anyone to be upset by what I say.

Have a lovely weekend ladies - perfect rainy weekend for a duvet and papers with our DHs I think


----------



## coweyes

Whats this book about?? sounds interesting


----------



## PKM

This is quite a good synopsis.

http://www.randomhouse.com/features/morrie/

It's also a short book and very readable 

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that 
fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## Mousky

I had to share this with you  

_im sorry but she needs to just realize she is not going to get pregnant. she is to old. while i know some women do get pregnant after 40 she had a hard time getting pregnant the first time. she needs to let it go. be grateful for what she has and stop causing herself hurt._

This remark is about Celine Dion's last failed attempt at FET and btw she is 41 years old!

I'm thinking about saving this person's ******** id (I'm not even on ********) and maybe one of these days I'll tell her a few things   

And you should see all the other comments regarding adoption and even criticizing tx _about how selfish it is to get treatment for medical conditions that cause subfertility._

Some people...


----------



## Fraggles

Hi 
Just discovered this thread and want to have a rant at the media.
Here goes ... I am single, never met the man who I wanted to have kids but would love to have kids, and would dearly loved to have met someone. The decision to go it alone is not an easy one, the soul searching you do, wondering if you are selfish, wondering how the hell you got here and how did it come to this. Perhaps us singlies have chosen not to go out and shag some random guy in a pub, trap him into committing to us because we are pregnant or making them pay for ever more for a child they didn't want. But the media crucify us for our decision.
So maybe it is just because I have now decided to go it alone every flipping paper or magazine I pick up is singles bashing (I think it is a new sport). That is slagging off single women who choose to have a child. Talk about being judgmental, calling us selfish I could write a book about the truly hideous things people say and readers comments my god they are so judgmental and mean. What's that saying about walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them and perhaps those people who act as a jury to us singlies should ask what they would do in our situation. Yes, in an ideal world we might want a child to have two loving parents but because a child has two parents it doesn't always mean they are loving. GGGRRRR
Rant over.
Fraggles x


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## Mousky

Hey Fraggles, 

Don't you think you're too old and too single
What are you thinking? 

I'm very sorry you have to read and hear this   all the time   I think you're really brave for going about your dream on your own  

Best of luck for you!


----------



## Fraggles

Mousky you make me laugh. I am only 41, I am thinking I have until I am at least 75 before I give up - what do you reckon - laugh out loud.
Fraggles x


----------



## Mousky

Can you believe WOMEN were trashing C. Dion because she's ttc at the very old age of 41


----------



## Fraggles

How silly huh, I don't like Celine Dion's music but would wish her luck to have a second child. Narrow mindedness again.

So Mousky can't see for looking, where are you so for on treatment?

F x


----------



## Hollybags

Hey Fraggles, go for it darlin'! You only regret the things you never do! I wish you all the very very best of luck in the world, and hope you're a mum very soon. 
And the statistics about older mums - well it's the same for ALL statistics - they don't tell you anything about the individual. So for example, the average salary in London might be £25,000. That doesn't tell you ANYTHING about what any one individual earns. So ignore the stats and the neysayers and go for it! x x x x x x x


----------



## Mousky

Fraggles - I also don't like her music but can sympathize with her IF issues. 
Btw, I had a BFN in late September and I'm planning FET for February.
I see you're going to SERUM, I've heard great things about Penny  
And for the stats, indeed, Holly, it doesn't mean anything. 
I have a few buddies here over 40 that are pregnant while I'm still waiting  

Mousky xx


----------



## Fraggles

Mousky sorry to hear about your BFN. What's FET - I'm new to this game and where are you having treatment. One thing I realise on FF we all seem to get to the point.

Penny is fabulous - it's all true, We did say that if I get a BFP I will have had 3 females in the room with me. LOL.

Don't care about stats - P told me that there is a 30% success rate for BFP during ovulation regardless of age so I'm going with that.

F x


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## joeyrella

i just spent a night with my mum and dad.  i'm sure they are doing it on purpose now!  if they are not theoretically leaving childless women to drown in role playing exercises they are baiting me with baby clothes.  they've been having a sort out and have two bags of baby girl clothes to get rid of.  where they got these clothes from i have absolutely no idea as they only have grandsons     
that's all i heard all night 'of course, we don't have anyone to give them to now......' and wistful looks to these two sad bin bags abandoned in the dining room.  
why not make it easy on all of us and just punch me next time


----------



## Fraggles

Joeyrella

On your behalf to your parents pl can I just say GGGGRRRRRR    
 coming your way.

Fraggles x


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## lizziesiddal

Joeyrella      Parents: can't live with 'em...can't...

Fraggles - I hope you don't mind, but I want to tell you why I'm so proud of you:

*You were clearly too sensible to get 'knocked up' young (hoping I haven't overstepped the mark to you or anyone who did have a sad past - not trying to be judgmental of individual cases, but am making an objective comment... and believe me, there but for DH's dodgy  , go I!!)
*You haven't gone out like you said and sh*gged a bloke in a bar or 'mantrapped' someone into taking care of a baby he didn't want
*You didn't 'panic-marriage' at say, 35... and marry the bloke at the bus stop because your body clock is ticking (I know so many women who have done this and are now divorced often without a baby)

In fact you have been so wonderfully sensible and thoughtful, that that is the reason you do not have a baby at the moment.  If our biology had caught up with the longevity of our lives now, and the way we live our lives differently, early forties is the perfect time to have a baby.  I got married very young (23), but the idea that I could have raised a child to be the best it could be then is laughable.  I was a child myself.  I was selfish and ditsy.  Could barely keep a house clean and remember to feed myself.  Even at 30, I sometimes feel so young, but I know we have to crack on esp. as we have MF problems.

Are you selfish for wanting a child?  Absolutely.  Are we all selfish?  Yes.  Nobody knowingly has a child other than for selfish reasons... but I prefer the word 'self-full'.  What's wrong with wanting something that will fulfill us, make us happy and as a consequence of these feelings, make us wonderfully caring and altruistic towards the little person in our care?  Those feelings of 'I want, I want, I want' are natures way of making sure we didn't abandon the screaming, puking thing the moment it was born.  The genes of those women who did, did not survive.  It is a selfish feeling and it has to be.  The more selfish you feel, the better mother you will make!

As for being a single mum... you won't be.  Someone (was it Hillary Clinton?) said 'It takes a village to raise a child'.  I'm sure you have family, friends and people you haven't even met yet who will be a huge part of the life of any child you have.  The gutter press has stigmatised the idea of a woman raising children without a partner because many have been abandoned and live off the state.  This isn't you.  I'm presuming you are solvent, educated and really want a child!  - exactly the sort of person we need in this world to be raising children.  You clearly want this and have thought long and hard about it.  You will make a fantastic mother and, if I ever found myself in your shoes, I know I would be doing exactly the same thing.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn when I say I'm 100% behind your decision.


----------



## Candee

Fraggles hun I am in exactly the same position as you and know what you mean about negative comments and its not just the media - my brother has been awful. My mum keeps telling me to ignore him and stressing that once the baby comes everything will be fine. One of the other singlies told me that her counsellor said that having a child is always a selfsih act, whether you are with someone or not, which is pretty much was lizzie says in her post.
Lizzie I have just read your post and it was so lovely! I wish that everyone could be as thoughtful before they open their mouths and say mean things    
Joeyrella as usual, my flabber is gasted about how insensitive people are - I am starting a group hug for your over those bl**dy bin bags and am sure other people with join in!

                                                                   Joeyrella's group hug - please feel free to join!


----------



## Fraggles

Lizzee First thing I read this morning and it bought a tear to my eye or several to be exact thanks. Most of the people who know are so supportive including my 89 year dad who I had persuaded myself would have a heart attack when I told him . Laugh out loud - nothing like catastrophizing things in your mind eh? When in fact he said, Love what ever you decide I am behind you. If only we could clone lovely people like you Lizzie.

Candee saw your earlier post many pages ago and wanted to     your brother. If only we could just go to Harrods and buy our ideal men from the selection on the shelf. I am sure some married couples sometimes think they could happily swap their hubbies/wives.partners for a new model.

Joeyrella, apologies in advance but it's early in the morning and I seem to be  cyber bashing      a lot of relatives this morning. Can I add your parents to the group cyber bashing I am sending thoughtless, insensitive people.

aRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH now that cyber bashing has got rid of some of my frustration I feel so much better. OK here goes ... are you ready - bit group hug coming back                               Cuddle^


----------



## lizziesiddal

Two quotations that always help me when I feel criticised by narrow-minded people:


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss ( )

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." ~  Eleanor Roosevelt


----------



## Cazne

Hello everyone,

I need to share this: my entire family have decided that I can't get pregnant because I'm stresed.  Never mind the fact that I have blocked tubes and DH has dodgy sperm - no, it's all because they think I'm stressed.  They have clearly all discussed it together because they are now approaching me individually and asking what I'm doing about the stress...  Aaaargh!!!  I wish I had never told them.  It is so unhelpful.  Yes, infertility is depressing and IVF is quite stressful, but I know for sure it isn't the reason why we can't concieve.  Sigh.


----------



## PKM

If I hear one more person say "well, at least you have each other" I am going to get very very bitey indeed.

Lizzie - great quotes!


----------



## lizziesiddal

Cazne - Been there with my family too... 'you're stressed because of your job... go on holiday and don't think about it... you need to relax more at the weekends and not clean your house so much' AARRRHH!! Even once we were diagnosed with male factor, they were still 'blaming' me. As I've pointed out to many people in the past, there are many women in this world who get pregnant in very stressful situations which I don't need to outline here... Of course extreme short-term stress may reduce fertility for a small amount of time, but it would take something catastrophic to stop it completely. Day-to-day living does not stop a woman becoming pregnant. Next time they say this, tell them you've started smoking pot as a way to chill out and smile dreamily at them 

PKM -  please get bitey with someone!!!



PKM said:


> "well, at least you have each other"


It's such a patronising thing to say. I didn't know life was an 'either'/'or' situation; in fact, I thought that by settling down with a male partner in our life, we had indicated that children were something that was part of our intended future.

Don't let the b*ggers get you down


----------



## poodlelover

sigh~Cazne know exactly what u mean!! My parents live abroad (handy sometimes) and my mother has told everyone they know there all about our IF as well as every IVF cycle. Great, so a bunch of people I have never even met know intimate details about my life cheers for that. Then proceeds to tell me these strangers opinions about our situation from "so and so's daughter had IVF and she tried such and such and got preg-why don't you try that?". Latest is "all this money and time u've thrown at IVF and for nothing, it's soul destroying. Why don't u think about adoption?". AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH! Can't wait for the conversation when they come back for Christmas this year. Probably along the lines of "Just get another dog!!" I know they mean well but honestly... have been so snappy about recent comments that my mother now asks my sister about our ivf cycles as is scared to ask me!!


----------



## Tama

Cazne   I've also had this one too   Like you say there are ladies getting pg all the time in stressful situations and being told 'you're stressed' doesn't make you feel any better you just stress that you are stressed. My sister tells me this all the time and that so and so tried this and then fell pg. There is always a 'story' about a woman that tried to conceive for years, then one day she decided enough was enough, she relaxed and WHAM next minute she was pg. I'm sure this 'one' woman is the source of every story you hear. I want to scream WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, relaxing and not being stressed isn't why this hasn't happened   Why are people so quick to offer unfounded advice?!


----------



## Cazne

thanks folks, you are all right.  I will tell them I'm smoking pot to chill out - great idea lizzie!!


----------



## Betty-Boo

It's awful really to read everyone's horror stories but tbh - it makes me realise how darn strong we all are!!  And how determined we are.  I had one lady who's also going through IVF say this to me the day before my DE IVF (abroad) - "make sure that when you have your czech baby it doesn't have a hair cut like the women in czech!" - I was horrified!!!  I went on to have a BFN and tbh found it really hard to 'bond' with the embies after this comment - up until then the embies were always mine - but a seed of doubt by a callous person calling them czech embies was there in the back of my mind. Some people just do not think and will turn any situation round so they are the focus of attention. Sad really!!  Next time I'll go alone....


----------



## Candee

Mini what an insenitive and horrid thing to say     
Where do these idiots get their ideas from? And why do they feel the need to share
their ridiculous ramblings with us?!
Massive slaps to that silly c*w      
Candee
x


----------



## poodlelover

mini minx

OMG what a ridiculous thing to say. What a stupid woman! 

Good job we don't say what we're thinking all the time eh!!  
Just think how many cycles we could fund if we had a £ for every stupid comment...


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

Do you think some people come out with stupid things because they are trying to be funny (as in funny light hearted rather than mean) and are uncomfortable talking about all things fertility related. Because I don't even understand some of these comments because they are truly stupid and make no sense what so ever. Or am I being too kind?

Mini what the hell does it mean by czech haircuts or czech embies - I am astounded and not in a good way. surely a haircut is just a haircut and an embie is an embie?


Fraggles


----------



## Betty-Boo

Fraggles - think it was someone not really thinking about what they were saying!!  Was gob smacked tbh!!  Always thought of the embies being mine ... all MINE!!  
Some people eh!!        
Think we've all got horror stories to tell... but like I said - we are such a strong bunch!  They may try and bring us and put us down but they will never succeed!  
Big hugs x x x


----------



## Fraggles

Mini
Gobsmacked, I would be more than gobsmacked. They are all yours of course they are, whose body are they in - yours - doh!! apologies if I have just insulted a friend, relative or who ever.

Sometimes Mini though wouldn't it be lovely when we don't have to be such a strong bunch and someone steps up and we can lean on them. arrghhhh.  mmmm that saying you know the one I can hardly say it - what doesn't break you makes you stronger. Just maybe just maybe I already feel quite strong enough all ready with out any more of the little challenges that come our way. OK now my sermon is over.

WARNING - when anyone says that to me I want to smack them one (and I'm not usually a violent person)    

Laugh out loud. Maybe I need to learn to meditate.

Fraggles x


----------



## lizziesiddal

Miniminx - although the comment was entirely stupid, and as Fraggle said, does not even make sense, it was a horrid comment designed to remind you that the embies were not genetically yours... or so she thought. Have a gander at the research below. Posted by noggin on the donor boards. The birth mother, despite the eggs not being genetically hers, has much more of an influence on the baby's development than previously believed.   and ignore the idiots.

Genes must be 'expressed' within an individual in order to have an
effect.

The same gene or genes can express in a number of different ways
depending upon the environment. A gene can remain 'silent' or
unexpressed; it can be expressed strongly; it can be expressed weakly,
and so on. There is also an entire field of study called imprinting
having to do with which gene you 'activate,' the copy you received from
your mother, or the copy you received from your father.

The field of epigenetics studies these phenomenon, and popular
journalism is just starting to write about it. While the Human Genome
Project was still underway, we usually heard genes referred to as 'the
Bible' of the human being, as a kind of absolute truth concerning the
fundamental nature of the individual.

That is now changing.

In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman's womb is the environment.
It is her genes, not the donor's, that determine the expression of the
donor-egg baby's genes.

A donor egg baby gets her genes from the donor; she gets the
'instructions' on the expression of those genes from the woman who
carries her to term.

This means that a donor egg baby has 3 biological parents: a father, the
egg donor, and the woman who carries the pregnancy.

The child who is born would have been a physically & no doubt
emotionally different person if carried by his genetic mother.

In horse breeding for example, it's not uncommon to implant a pony
embryo into the womb of a horse.

The foals that result, are different from normal ponies.
They're bigger. These animals' genotype - their genes - are the same as a
pony's, but their phenotype - what their genes actually look like in the
living animal - is different.

........

The implication of epigenetics is that the child inherits characteristics from the woman who carries the child even if the original DNA comes from a donor egg. In other words the birth mother influences what the child is like at a genetic level - it IS her child.


----------



## Betty-Boo

Lizzie thank you honey - a good friend did email me that and I foudn it really interesting  - it really did help me and yes I think you're right - I do get the feeling that because her IVF journey has been hard going and not successful she does begrudge anyone that has an 'easier??' journey?  Who needs enemy's with friends (acquaintance now) like that.

Fraggles- as my mum says - him upstairs throws all these 'little' hurdles at us because we're women and we can handle them... (sometimes I do wonder)  I know for my next cycle (prob Jan 2011 now due to work) I'll keep it to myself!! And yes I will treasure every precious embie I receive.
Thanks for all your kind words x x x


----------



## swhattie

Hiya Ladies - 

Massive   for all of us! 

I think that the vast majority of our friends and family really dont mean any harm, i think that they say things with the intention of lightening the mood or whatever and inadvertantly make us feel worse! They arnt trained counsellors so must find it very difficult to make us feel comfortable around them! I was thinking how difficult it must be for our friends who have babies or are pregnant, they must constantly have to watch their words around us to make sure we dont feel they are rubbing our noses in it!! I have a friend who just had a baby on friday, and in her text and phone calls she was constantly having to watch what she said I think and she kept saying 'you ok?' - 'you alright' - she shouldnt have to do that and it makes me sad......

Of course on the other hand there are the ones who couldnt give two......... about what they say and I tend to distance myself from these people anyway - the friendship is obviously not important enough to her to think before she speaks and so the friendship isnt important enough for me to be emotional about! IF has made me very objective and hardfaced sometimes and I dont need more emotional baggage in the shape of an unsupportive friend....

We are the strong ones here and we are the ones who are living a major life experience and i think we are better in the long run due to this!!!


----------



## poodlelover

wise words social chameleon. will try to remind self of them when get urge to   for saying stupid things

PL x


----------



## Candee

Or you could just   them anyway Poodle!   
Candee
x


----------



## swhattie

Candee said:


> Or you could just  them anyway Poodle!
> Candee
> x


That would be a very good idea and much fun!!


----------



## joeyrella

i had such a bizarre stupid thing people say today.  we were working away at our desks this afternoon when suddenly a whole bunch of toddlers dressed in pyjamas trooped into our office collecting money for children in need.  whilst we were putting coins in their various buckets our admin woman came over, leant on the edge of my desk and said at the top of her voice 'there you are jo, doesn't it feel natural to have a little one standing next to you!?'.  how bizarre.  for a start off she never speaks to me, ever, and secondly she's processed my special leave card for my last IUI so knows full well what i'm going through, its down there in excrutiating detail.  i wasn't upset, just puzzled.  she might as well have had me stand on a chair while she used a megaphone to out me as infertile, she couldn't have done a better job of it


----------



## coweyes

Joeyrella

I bet she looked really silly for saying that! even if on one knows what your going through, they must just be thinking "That was an odd moment, what a weird thing to say"  xxx


----------



## Candee

joeyrella I think it was so awful it tells you a lot about her - what a twisted freak!
Where do all these people come from?!
    
Hun you are getting more than your fair share of these ridiculous remarks!     
Candee
x


----------



## joeyrella

i don't know, i think i attract these comments!  i think i made it even more of a scene because i just looked at her puzzled   and was too surprised to even respond.


----------



## Betty-Boo

Joeyrella - reckon your puzzled look would've made her look silly and not you!!  sometimes its beyond me the comments some come out with!!!
     x x x


----------



## Izzybear

Joeyrella

Can't believe that, she must have a weird sense of self  

Izzy


----------



## Candee

Izzy agree - the woman sounds completely weird!
Joeyrella, you could have made a better scene if you had walloped her!     
     
Candee
x


----------



## Tama

Joeyrella - what a stupid thing for her to say. As the other girls have said she is the one that looks an idiot! If she offers any more pearls of wisdom I'd tell her to back off as the drugs can make you do crazy things   xxx


----------



## lizziesiddal

Joeyrella - Send her this way; I'm just in the mood


----------



## Kitten 80

Joey she does seem a bit  

My work collegue thats in our office is always coming out with some comment but today he made me a bit mad I was all happy because 2 lady's on my thread had BFP so he asked why I'm so chirpy so I told him and he said arr but there are negatives to so dont get your hopes up I thought well thanks there go's my positive attitude  .


----------



## Fraggles

Joeyrella

Another wtf comment, sure what she meant but didn't say was there you go Joeyrella I think you will be such a great mum and seeing a youngster besides you just reinforces how natural I think it will come to you. However, if she is just admin I do think it's a bit like as she processed your leave form, she should not mention it to you, unless you usually talked to her about stuff as it is stepping over the line.   . I like Tama's comment about how the drugs make you do crazy things.

But there are lots of silly silly people out there and aren't all of us glad we aren't like them.

Kitten80 there's a difference, results are sometimes positive and sometimes negative but whilst you take positive steps to achieve what you want rather than dwelling, your workmate is stuck with making very arkward, inappropriate and stupid comments and the dick can't do a lot about his personality  . Just remember he makes very ignorant and silly comments and as such let him keep his ridiculously ignorant thoughts and hold on to your cheery positive attitude.

I can so see us developing a group of FF vigilante to do over people who make silly comments

Fraggles x


----------



## Kitten 80

I like the way you put things Fraggles


----------



## lizziesiddal

Fraggles said:


> I can so see us developing a group of FF vigilante to do over people who make silly comments


   

A new crimewave has hit Britain. Strange groups of women are caught lurking in the shadows only to jump out at unsuspecting colleagues who are then mercilessly beaten to death with home pregnancy tests.


----------



## Kitten 80

we will show them


----------



## Kookymare

Ladies

I don't know how anyone dare say anything unkind or stupid to you..... you're scaring me!  

                                        Kookymare x


----------



## Kitten 80

Thats because we are hormoanal


----------



## kitten77

its the drugs!!!! always blame the drugs!!!!


----------



## Izzybear

kitten77 said:


> its the drugs!!!! always blame the drugs!!!!





kitten80 said:


> Thats because we are hormoanal


   

Love this thread
x


----------



## Kitten 80

You no I actuly herd someone say you could get away with murder when your hormoanal


----------



## Izzybear

Had a friend round today who can pop babies out with her eyes closed and of course the subject of whether I would eventually have one came up, I tried to be vague and move on but she just wouldn't let it lie.......

When it became obvious that she wouldn't leave the subject without an answer, I stupidly gave into the pressure and said I would like to but have so far been unable to carry.  Her Answer.....Oh. Probably not then, i'll be off now - WTF!

I hate it when I get pressured into giving away more than i'm comfortable with, and then feel as if it gets slung back in my face if its not acceptable to the mummy community   

Sorry about that - rant over PHEW!


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

Ok do we need to start collecting a bunch of names to start the FF vigilante group - sure we can use those people on their 2ww who are stressed or who are taking drugs to carry out vigilante acts at various times of the year. Sure there will be an endless supply of stupid people.

If we constantly rotate the people who carry out the acts then no amount of police forensics will be able to find a common theme amongst potential suspect dna and police psycologists will think they have a homocidal schizophrenic serial killer on their hands.

Fraggles x


----------



## Han72

Just crashing in and crashing out because this made me LOL!!!



lizziesiddal said:


> Fraggles said:
> 
> 
> 
> I can so see us developing a group of FF vigilante to do over people who make silly comments
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A new crimewave has hit Britain. Strange groups of women are caught lurking in the shadows only to jump out at unsuspecting colleagues who are then mercilessly beaten to death with home pregnancy tests.
Click to expand...

    

Joeyrella - I suggest you make your colleague a dunce's cap with the words "tactless [email protected]" emblazoned on it, pop it on her head and say, "there, doesn't that feel natural?" 

Kitten - What a jackass!!! 

Love to all, don't forget to call me when the Peestick Posse goes on the rampage, I've got a few of 'em lying around here, I reckon I could kit us all out   

xxx


----------



## lizziesiddal

Izzybear   Your friend is an ungrateful *****. She would never have coped with what you have. You are 100 times the woman. Silly mare.



Nixf01 said:


> Peestick Posse


       We have a name now! This is bound to happen.

Fraggles, I like your idea of the schizophrenic serial killer... we'll become an urban myth because no-one will be able to decide what we look like. I wonder if women who have just received a ludicrous comment should be able to summon us with a beam that shines into the night, similar to Batman. What would our symbol be?


----------



## Tama

OMG I can't stop laughing too funny. Can I put in my application form please?   I love this thread.

Now onto another comment that I'm not sure how to deal with......my lovely sister (she is lovely but can be a little insensitive when taking about me and ttc). Poor love found out she has PCOS yesterday, I was speaking to her on the phone as she was very  upset and  . Anyway I said that there are lots of people with PCOS and that we'll sort it out with her doctor and find out what she should do next. Anyway she just comes out with 'we'll I have something wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with you and you can't even get pg'!! I was taken aback by this but should I just mark it up to her being upset or do we need to send the posse after her.... 

Tx


----------



## Flash123

This thread has brought my so many laughs over the last couple of weeks.    
Love it.

DH and I had our 1st cycle last may. DH parents are wonderful people but very niave, innocent, old fashioned etc. DH and I both have successful careers and they have always assumed that we haven't had children by chioce. Mid way through our cycle we decided to tell them, we built our selves up and started. His mum started crying (as was expected) and his dad said, being deadly serious, 'we know - your sister told us ages ago. We've been thinking - when you have the embryos put back, we have 4 daughters, 5 grand-daughters and a great grand-daughter - any chance you could ask for a boy!

A boy - a sniff of a BFP would be a miracle!!!!!!!!!


----------



## lizziesiddal

Tama     I think your sister truly had a 'guts to gob' moment and is also very, very scared.  I have a younger sister who hasn't begun trying for a baby yet, but I see how my situation has impacted on her.  She wants to send her DH for various tests before they have even begun trying.  Sometimes our families can't be there for us in the way we would like.     to you.  

LizG - Tell FIL no problem.  You'll just tell them to pop the blue embies back in and not the pink ones.  (He does know gender selection is illegal for most couples in the UK... ?)  Bless them - people are so wonderfully clueless, you don't know whether to laugh or cry, do you?  

C'mon ladies - we need a symbol... will this do?  

Babydust


----------



## Fraggles

Hi

Tama, I think your sister was having a just speaking in the moment you know one of those times where you are so upset, think poor me, I am a failure, you ramble on and on and don't edit anything you say wanting someone to say don't worry we'll sort it which you did. 

No doubt at some stage when she thinks back she will be thinking oh no what did I say that for how did it come across. I am confident she was thinking 'as far as we know' Tama is fine yet she is still having difficulties, well look at me I'm totally inadequate, defective, my body is a total no good failure (which we know isn't true), my life is totally ruined, so if my gorgeous sister can't get pregnant I stand no chance whatsoever. Sure some FF's have had those thoughts some time. And in her mine as well as being a poor me and crying, her inner mind is probably also stamping up and down like a 3 year old who hasn't got her own way and who can blame her.

Not sure what other peestick posse members think but I'd be inclined to say she has a temporary bout of foot in mouth disease and probably let her off due to 'temporary insanity'.

LizG - I think the niavety of your in laws is quite sweet. My Dad is 89 and I have told him what I have doing but am sure he hasn't actually thought through the process of how a single chic with no fella is going to get pregnant. He probably thinks I am going to take a tablet.   I know I have read some media articles that now talks about being able to choose the sex of your child so maybe FIL took it out of context. I also assume that they didn't badger either of you about when are we going to have a grandchild and the fact they didn't talk about your fertility treatment until you wanted to is very sweet and they probably didn't want to tell you that they knew until you chose to tell them. apologies if I have now adopted foot and mouth disease too.

    CALL TO ACTION FF VIGILANTES      ^
- I THINK WE HAVE 1ST JOB - IZZYBEARS FRIEND - IZZY CAN YOU SEND US DETAILS OF WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO - NO MAKEUP FOR A WEEK? GIVING HER KIDS A WEEK'S SUPPLY OF SOME TABLET (THAT IS NON HARMFUL) BUT GIVES THEM ENERGY TO STAY AWAKE 24/7 FOR SEVEN DAYS AND NOT A HEAR A WORD THEIR MUM SAYS, PUTTING LAXATIVES IN HER FOOD OR SOME EVERY DAY RUFFING UP?

Lizziesiddal I am thinking somewhere on our outift we need to have two giant initials with PP on it but what is the outfit going to look like - any budding clothes designers out there. Should it be two initials on a top or something or say some diamond earrings with P on it? Obviously a generous benefactor who supports our good work would pay for said diamonds.

FRAGGLES X


----------



## lizziesiddal

Superb replies, Fraggle 

Right, first the costume. Please let me indulge for a moment and suggest Cheryl Cole's 'Fight for this Love' outfit. Can't stand the woman myself, but when I was fat on drugs (fertility drugs you understand, not crystal meth), a few weeks ago, DH showed the only sign of still being a red-blooded male when she popped up on the TV in that s*utty military number...

In case you missed it...
http://news.softpedia.com/images/news2/Cheryl-Cole-Performs-Fight-for-This-Love-on-X-Factor-2.jpg

I think we can get a diamante 'PP' sewn onto the hat.. we'll be like the 'SS', but scarier!

Meanwhile, I'm going to don a dark pair of glasses and be off to find izzybear's friend with a week's worth of RedBull for the kiddies and 12 boxes of Senokot for their smug mother.




This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that 
fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## poodlelover

we are truly wasted. At least we have managed to maintain a sense of humour throughout all this. Think Cheryl Cole outfit a marvellous idea. As for the symbol, what about some kind of "legs akimbo" sign as that's the position we spend most of our time in. Imagine that flashed across the night sky. Also we could develop a kind of karate type high leg kick to use on the stupid people. That's how they would know they've been dealt with by the PP! (Trying to get image of Miss Piggy out of my mind now tho)

PL x


----------



## Izzybear

lizziesiddal said:


> Superb replies, Fraggle
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm going to don a dark pair of glasses and be off to find izzybear's friend with a week's worth of RedBull for the kiddies and 12 boxes of Senokot for their smug mother.





Fraggles said:


> CALL TO ACTION FF VIGILANTES     ^
> - I THINK WE HAVE 1ST JOB - IZZYBEARS FRIEND - IZZY CAN YOU SEND US DETAILS OF WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO - NO MAKEUP FOR A WEEK? GIVING HER KIDS A WEEK'S SUPPLY OF SOME TABLET (THAT IS NON HARMFUL) BUT GIVES THEM ENERGY TO STAY AWAKE 24/7 FOR SEVEN DAYS AND NOT A HEAR A WORD THEIR MUM SAYS, PUTTING LAXATIVES IN HER FOOD OR SOME EVERY DAY RUFFING UP?


Ladies

Thank you so much, DH & I are sitting here laughing.

Every Day Ruffing Up Please but only AFTER RedBull and Senokot - Cheers



poodlelover said:


> As for the symbol, what about some kind of "legs akimbo" sign as that's the position we spend most of our time in. Imagine that flashed across the night sky. Also we could develop a kind of karate type high leg kick to use on the stupid people. That's how they would know they've been dealt with by the PP! (Trying to get image of Miss Piggy out of my mind now tho)


Do you think fertile folk have as much forum fun as us - I think not!! Meant in the nicest possible way of course

Izzy
x


----------



## Fraggles

This thread makes me laugh out loud. Not sure that I could quite carry of the Cheryl Cole outfit quite so well as her. But am thinking perhaps due to the fact that our legs are often in stirrups, perhaps for ease of treatment and access, the trousers could be crotchless too? What do you think? Am also thinking for those of us who need a donor, that after carrying out an act of vigilantism (sp?) we could walk through a bar where there are lots of young med students and get inseminated that way - would save some money on fertility treatment anyway. 

F x


----------



## Mousky

Ladies, you're looking for a logo? According to my mother   it should be a sort of fig tree that is mentioned somewhere in the Bible?   I think this tree is bare and this is how my mother who is actually a wonderful generous woman I totally love (not being ironic here) refers to people who can't have children     The sad part or maybe the ironic part is she has no clue her daughter is one as well     How great       

On the legs akimbo idea, every time DH and I hear "let's take a look" we LOL as these are my cons, lovely guy, words every time we need to take a look   

Fraggles - think about all the lovely gadgets and beautiful baby clothing you could buy with all that money   If only, hey?    

I see most of you can still keep some sense of humor over the whole   You are great


----------



## Sparkle JJ

Ladies - you have brightened up my sunday morning reading this post.

Insensitive remarks are really getting to me just now but you guys have really put this in to perspective!

Prob the worst comment I've had was from a "friend".  SHe started TTC in January at the same time as I started tx after 3 yrs ttc naturally. Needless to say she was pregnant within 2 months and felt that she needed to ask me "are you still not pregnant yet" - well no clearly not eh  Then followed this up with- wait for it................................."are you sure you are doing it right" WTF  I said is taking it up the a** 5 times a week not right

What is wrong with people?  I would never enquire about anyone elses sex life so why do people feel it's okay to enquire about mine?


----------



## Betty-Boo

Jennjo!!!  Some people!!  I do wonder about them and where their brains are situated!!

       

Perhaps we should all get together and write a book of quotes NOT to say to those seeking Fertility Treatment .... could slip it under their Christmas Trees..


----------



## LuuLuu

Unbelievable!!!


----------



## Fraggles

Mini, Great idea about the book, when shall we start writing it - I suspect though that there will be more than one volume.

Jennjo - You are definitely suited to being a member of the peestick posse - that comment was great. Pick your punishment and when we've finished dishing it out to Izzybear's mate will head over to your friends.   

Mousky, Always hated figs and now I know why.

F x


----------



## lizziesiddal

Jennjo said:


> I said is taking it up the a** 5 times a week not right


           

You have my absolute respect, Jennjo! What a cheeky mare your 'friend' is...

Don't worry, I'm just pulling on the Cheryl Cole outfit now. In fact, I'll just find CC herself - she's good for when you want a person punched.

Poodlelover - I like your idea of the 'legs akimbo' symbol in order to summon us, but what do you think of a sliding scale? Perhaps 'woman with leg on side of the bath, injecting' for a not too awful emergency, 'legs akimbo' for a moderate faux pas, and 'woman squating over toilet with pee-stick in hand' for the most outrageous comments? All in silhouette, of course - we're not savages.


----------



## Candee

Jennjo said:


> - we're not savages. :


I am not so sure - some of these comments make me feel pretty mad!
I think that Jenjo's 'friend' needs a visit from the gang!  
Candee


----------



## bankie

You can sign me up to the PP too ladies, I'm just about to start my next tx so will be hormonal enough to commit targeted acts of fertility-related vigilante justice within a few days or so!!

I see that the list of targets is already growing, so I'd like to get in quick with my two requests - sadly both of them have been GPs of mine (not for very long I might add!!).  

The first one called to tell me my Day 3 FSH result, which was 12.3.  It was my worst FSH result ever and I burst into tears over the phone.  He said don't worry, 12.3 isn't too bad I regularly see women with FSH over 40.  I asked if they were my age and ttc.  He replied well errr no, actually they're the ladies that come to me to see if they're in the menopause!!!  So I (the patient) ended up being the one telling him (the doctor) that Day 3 FSH of 12.3 is pretty high for a 31 year old!    

Not surprisingly I changed GPs after that and went so see a lady doctor who I naively thought might know more about IF matters.  I had to go and see her about an unrelated medical problem just a few weeks after a BFN on one of my IVF cycles.  She sat me down and asked me how I was feeling - I hadn't even told her why I was there yet, so I was a bit confused by this question, but said err fine thanks.  Then she asked me if I had been feeling any symptoms - again confused I said errrr no not really, why?  It turns out that she had read the letter sent to her from my fertility clinic confirming that I had had ET several weeks earlier and she had therefore assumed that I was pregnant!!  It didn't occur to her that not all IVF cycles are successful - WTF?!!!!  I then had to hold back the tears as I explained that no I wasn't pregnant, and no I really didn't want to talk about it.    

Please tell me that the PP can squeeze these very deserving cases into their busy schedules?

And thanks for keeping me laughing ladies!

 bankie


----------



## Candee

Bankie we may be busy, but not too busy to squeeze that pairs of total pl*nkers into the schedule!  
Candee
x


----------



## Izzybear

Bankie

What an @rse your GP sounds, I've got a young male GP and I thought he would be insensitive but he told me that he & his wife had been through treatment, not sure he should have said that but I was so shocked I just blubbed for ages and he just listened as if I was normal.  He'll probably not tell anyone else   

I think we should engage the posse to your GP's and give them both a whack over the head!!

Also on the list is very def Jennjos friend, loving the comment back tho!

  

Lizziesiddal - like your silhouette suggestion, can I have my extra treatment weight airbrushed out though please  

Izzy


----------



## Sparkle JJ

Can't believe the outrageous comments people have had said to them!  What is wrong with some people?

MIL is on fire as well.  Had lap and dye done in May and DH told his parents why I was in hosp.  Now you'd think that this is maybe something you'd remember discussing with your son but clearly not for her. a couple of weeks later she asks us why we aren't having kids yet - followed up with "or don't you have it in you" and a sly wink at hubby   Thats a bizarre thing for a mother to say isn't it??

Anyway, just about to start next round of clomid so I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to attack anyone who even looks at me the wrong way  

Is it wrong that I use the hormone exuse any time that I want to snap at someone - and more to the point do I care if it is wrong


----------



## always

HI Ladies 

This thread keeps me strong and laughing, albeit shocked at what some people say! 

I bought a book a couple of years agocalled Baby Roulette which does have some very responses to peoples stupid remarks... I will dig it out and post a few on here! 

I did lend the book to my sis for her to read and hopefully make her realise what the right and wrong comments are, it did give her a better understanding, although she does still say the wrong thing occassionaly but I know she really doesnt mean it in a hurtful way!

I am definately in for the PP... i have had my fair share of hurtful comments thrown my way over the last few years!


----------



## Tama

Afternoon to all you PP's  

I found this fact sheet and thought it was interesting......maybe needs to be sent out with Chirstmas cards this year

INTRODUCTION

When someone you care about opens up to you and tells you that they have problems conceiving a child, they are likely to be distressed and extremely sensitive to comments made by others.  You may also be embarrassed and now know what to say without making them feel worse, or you may not appreciate the implications of this problem to the couple concerned and what effect it will have on them.  A caring attitude can make all the difference to infertile couples and how they are able to deal with their problem, yet it is hard for people who have not been in the same situation to understand what they are experiencing and to predict what is the right or wrong things to say.

Unfortunately, even the most well meaning comments can be quite hurtful or cause misunderstandings.  This article was compiled by a group of people experiencing fertility problems in order to communicate their needs to those who wish to help.

ASKING QUESTIONS

In general, couples prefer it if friends and relatives show an interest in their problems and ask how their investigations/treatment/adoption is going and how they are feeling.  It is preferable that you ask ( or ask if it is OK to ask) than say nothing because you are afraid of upsetting them.  This may give the impression that you don’t care.

ACCEPTANCE AND ADVICE

It is very important you accept that the couple really do have a fertility problem if they tell you so.  They may already have been trying for a baby for many months or years, so dismissing their problems by saying that it’s only a matter of time, for example, does not help.  There is probably a genuine medical reason, even if it hasn’t been discovered yet.  Advice not to think about it, not to try too hard, not to get stressed, or advice about how their lifestyle may be causing the problem may make them feel that you ‘think its their fault’, which it is not. Please leave the advice to the medics.

REASSURANCE AND ENCOURAGEMENT

There is little reassurance you can give to an infertile couple about whether they will eventually have a baby or not.  Once they have been trying for a baby for two years or more, the chances of a natural pregnancy each month are very low.  Insisting that they will succeed because someone you know did after several years is like telling someone they WILL have a big win on the lottery.  It would be very nice, but you have no way of knowing for certain).  A couple may want to explore alternatives such as adoption to achieve the family they long for so much.

Fertility treatment offers hope for many couples.  However, success rates per treatment are not brilliant and they need several attempts before they may achieve pregnancy.  Sadly, there are some couples who will never succeed to have their own child, no matter what treatment they receive.  No one can predict the outcome of each treatment cycle or who will succeed eventually.  Going for fertility treatment is not like going for a job interview; a positive attitude does not improve ones’ chances of success, so advocating ‘positive thinking’ is not necessarily helpful.  Please try to understand that the couple may want to be more realistic about the chances of success, as this helps them prepare for a negative outcome.

SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT

Sympathy is appropriate in infertility. Infertility is like a bereavement, although there is nothing to focus the grief upon.  Infertile couples are painfully aware of what they have lost when they see other couples with their families or when fertility treatment fails.  The grieving process is long and drawn out because the couple cannot start to come to terms with their loss until they are satisfied they have tried all the options they are prepared to undergo, or can afford.

Infertility will be one of the worst things in life the couple will ever experience, and trying to cheer them up by telling them that things could be worse or how lucky they are not to have the responsibility of a family, for example, may make them think you regard their problem as trivial.  As a rule, do not say anything to an infertile couple that you wouldn’t say to someone who has lost a child. Offering a sympathetic listening ear will probably be the most supportive thing to do. Perhaps offering to attend a clinic open evening will help you to understand what the treatment is all about, how much the couple has to go through during a treatment cycle, and show that you do care about what they are experiencing.

OTHER PEOPLE’S PREGNANCIES

It is impossible to ‘protect’ an infertile couple from other people’s pregnancies, as having babies is a fundamental part of life for most families.  Most infertile couples would prefer to know about a new pregnancy as soon as possible.  They want to be happy for the couple but need time to get used to the idea.  Some appreciate it if a friend tells them they are planning a pregnancy too.  Surprise pregnancy announcements in public can be upsetting for the couple and it would be kinder to let them know beforehand.

Generally, you can make things easier for the infertile couple by keeping them informed but not labouring the subject of pregnancies and babies.  Leave it to them to ask for more details if they want to know.

OTHER PEOPLE’S FAMILIES

Some infertile couples wish to get involved with other people’s children as much as possible, especially when they are beginning to think that they may never have children themselves.  Other couples find contact with children and pregnant women a painful reminder of their inability to have a baby. Therefore, it is hard to know how to treat them.  Please do not assume that they will not want to join in and get involved with families, but then do not condemn them if they appear reluctant to socialise in large groups – they may prefer to meet one individual family at a time, when they are not in a minority.


SECRECY

Infertility is often regarded as a failure by the couples concerned and it erodes their self-esteem.  They may not wish to admit their problem or may only want close friends and family to know.  Others prefer it if everyone knows so that they don’t put their foot in it.  Please respect the couple’s wishes in this respect.


JOKES

The infertile couple is unlikely to see the funny side if you refer to their problem as a joke or use derogatory terms for infertile men and women.  Unfortunately, this does happen sometimes.  The couple may make a joke about their problem at some time when they are ready to do so, but don’t initiate the joking yourself.


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## kitten77

Tama

i have a family member who could find this useful.....then again.....things go in one ear and out the other so prob not and will still keep saying stupid things!

thanks tama!


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## BudgieSeed

I sometimes think stupidity is an incurable disease


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## Tama

Maybe we need a cd that plays music but with this embedded in the background we could play it to them all day and maybe it would sink in??!!


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## poodlelover

Tama
Think that is v useful info. Maybe clinics should send them out with their info packs so we can photocopy it and hand out accordingly!

On a totally diff note does anyone know if you can have a smear test the month after a BFN or will it affect the results? Excuse me if am being a thicko
PL x


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## Mousky

BudgieSeed said:


> I sometimes think stupidity is an incurable disease


Oh, yes 

PL - I had a smear 4 weeks after my BFN with no problems


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## poodlelover

Thanks Mousky. Spose am just putting off having another person messing about down there!!


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## lizziesiddal

Great fact sheet.  Beats the Christmas Round Robin; there are some who may be getting a copy of this in the post.


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## Kitten 80

thanks guys for reminding me I have to make a appointment for a smear   I forget things so easly


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## Han72

Hi all

got a good'un for you this morning.  I live in France and have just finished a cycle here.  I called the lab yesterday for my HCG blood test results and the woman said it was 3. I said ok and then hung up. But then I was so sure it MUST have worked that I decided I must have heard her wrong (in denial? Who me?  )  So I called back and got this other bint who replied, when I said in disbelief "So it's really 3, not 23 or whatever?"

"NON Madame It's 3. 1, 2, 3 it's NEGATIVE. OK?!" 

My response?

"No it's NOT ok you stupid beeyatch, what do YOU think?" and then threw the phone at the wall.  

I can swear amazingly fluently in French given the right provocation...

Love to all

xxx


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## Betty-Boo

Nix - that's a disgusting way to treat people!          
I must admit my GP was wonderful - altho I'd tested and got a BFN he did bloods for me too... They came back negative and he rang me and told me in such a wonderful way... why can't everyone be like that??  Makes me blood boil.
Honey you take care thinking of you and your OH      

Mini x


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## kitten77

nix - oooooooooooooooooooooooo that makes me so angry, how can she get a job working in a clinic!


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## Tama

OMG Nix I'd be writing a letter to her manager and explaining that she should be cleaning loo's not dishing out information over the phone, if she wants to be sh*ty let her don some rubber gloves and clean out the bog! What a b*tch!


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## Cazne

Hello everyone, I just thougt I'd share this with you all:  My uncle knows about our infertility issues and I told him we've now had two unsuccesful goes at IVF (ICSI).  He said: 'have you tried fertility pills?' I don't know what he thinks infertility pills are made of - super sperm with built in satnav maybe?  He meant well and I've seen the funny side now.

Cazne x


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## Kitten 80

Cazne your uncle   they never understand my DH still don't I think we go into it to much


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## Mousky

Nix - sorry to hear about your results   and about the rude nurse    but think you should have told us how the dialogue went in french   Take good care of yourself    

Cazne - maybe he knows something we don't know?     

 everyone!

xx


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## Candee

Nix the vigilantes can travel abroad too!
Send in the details and we will gather up our sticks and book the flights!
Candee


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## Fraggles

Hi All

Cazne, maybe we need set up a new product development arm of the peestick posse - could you head it up and can I be the first to place my order for super sperm with built in sat nav - can I have the gold standard which guarantees successful pregnancy please. I can understand why people who aren't involved in ivf or fertility issues are ignorant as there is little reason for them know and in some case it is pure ignorance and stupidity and other times just I think accidental misunderstanding or what may have been taken from an article in a paper. See my ignorance below.

I have to admit to saying stupid things myself and am rather embarassed at my ignorance - I am blushing as I write this at how I must have completely not being paying attention in my sex ed class at high school. When I had my laproscopy for my endo - my gynae asked if I knew what the white stringy stuff I have is - I had to embarassingly say no - and he was rather gobsmacked when he had to explain it to me. Why should I care what it was until I needed to know?  

Nix, stupid woman and sorry to hear your results  . But have to say am really impressed with your response. I think the peestick posse may be going international - do you want to set up the first international branch of the vigilante FF group the peestick posse to carry out random acts of revenge on people who say stupid things to FF? Happy to come over and say 1, 2, 3 to her as I hit her over the head with a heavy saucepan as I knock some kindness and compassion into her thick head. Just say the word and I'll get the next flight.

F x


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## poodlelover

Bonjour All!

V sorry bt ur BFN Nix what a total beeyatch~def a case for The IPP (International Peestick Posse). Seeing as we're branching out into Europe could we send a representative to Spain to deal with my mother. A stern talking to rather than a roughing up should suffice. She has phoned me today specifically to tell me that having discussed my IF and 5th BFN with her friend in Spain (never met the woman by the way) her friend suggested we think about using a Spanish surrogate as they "think it's terrible when you can't have a family" and Spanish docs only let you have 3 cycles before suggesting you adopt or try surrogacy. Her friend can't believe UK clinics let us have multiple attempts at tx and have I thought exactly what I am putting my body through with all these drugs etc!AArrrggghhh!! Have had all day to get my head round this phone call and am still none the wiser as to what the point of it was. Am I meant to ask to speak to her friend for more advice? Ask if she knows of a Spanish surrogate ? Make an appt with a Spanish cons? Stop this IVF nonsense? Get another dog I particularly liked her friend's knowledge of Spanish IVF "apparently they use your egg put it in the surrogate's womb one day and then use a baster with sperm in a couple of days later"!! Really Mother? Shall I suggest this method to Dr George when we mt him? Muchas gracias for that.
Give me strength


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## Happy Mummy

Nix, I am so sorry about your BFN    , as for the French lab nurse/embryologist, stupidity knows no frontiers ! 
Future Mummy


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## Izzybear

Nix

I am so sorry for your BFN, and what a way to deliver such news by someone who sounds like a right stupid moo.  

I think the International PP could def take off, we have our first two cases, the french counting lady and poodlelovers Mum+friend

Erm where do I place my order for the sperm sat nav?

Izzy
x


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## lizziesiddal

Nix - so sorry for your BFN.  As for Ms 'Une, Deux, Trois', how disgusting.  One, two, three - kick!!!

I'm not sure about this satnav sperm thing; if it's anything like my satnav, it'll keep sending the sperm the wrong way down one-way streets.


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## Kookymare

Nix

Sorry to read about your bfn  . Unbelievable how cruel some people can be, I thought part of the job was to be kind and compassionate. 

Can I join the posse? this is a case for a   if ever there was one.

                            Kookymare xx


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## Kitten 80

Hi lady's 

Sorry nix for your BFN  

Lady's ok there is this woman that works with me she has had all fertility treatment and has failed so she takes it upone herself to be crule to me even tho she some times is nice she told me when I was going tho my IUI'S that it will never work granted she was right then when I said I might be having IVF treatment where I had the IUI she said I wouldn't go thre even if they said I could have a free go you wont fall with them I thought WTF what if I do have to go there now I am going to have all negative thoughts, well it turns out that I am not having treatment there so ner bloody ner.

Anyway today she was nasty but not about fertility stuff she basicly called me dumb and un artistic I said well actully Iam artistic I only just got a quout for my drawing and its worth £150 I am so angry but my DH said well one word Karma


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## Fraggles

kitten80 said:


> Hi lady's
> 
> Sorry nix for your BFN
> 
> Lady's ok there is this woman that works with me she has had all fertility treatment and has failed so she takes it upone herself to be crule to me even tho she some times is nice she told me when I was going tho my IUI'S that it will never work granted she was right then when I said I might be having IVF treatment where I had the IUI she said I wouldn't go thre even if they said I could have a free go you wont fall with them I thought WTF what if I do have to go there now I am going to have all negative thoughts, well it turns out that I am not having treatment there so ner bloody ner.
> 
> Anyway today she was nasty but not about fertility stuff she basicly called me dumb and un artistic I said well actully Iam artistic I only just got a quout for my drawing and its worth £150 I am so angry but my DH said well one word Karma


Kitten, when I saw your post started Lady's OK - I thought uttoh (sp?) Kitten means business here.

I am sorry she has had such a hard time with IVF but because she had problems and it didn't work for her, that doesn't mean you will have the same challenges. So with your permission do you mind if I 'gunge' her with some rotten eggs, flours and whatever else you want to throw into the mix just as she has arrived at a social event she wanted to attend, so she has to go home, be moody and miss out. Am I being too mean? I just found out I got bfn and AF has arrived so my mood is a bit like a 3 year old with a big bottom lip and inside I am having a tantrum jumping up and down and screaming.

Stay positive Kitten and don't let her infect you with her negativity.

Love and hugs

Fraggles x


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## Mousky

Hey hey.

Kitten -   what a   I can understand that she's upset about her IVFs not working but as my MIL would say that's her story, her path, not yours. Don't let it bring you down      

Fraggles - I thought you were still going to start      Really sorry about your result    It sucks! 

xx


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## lizziesiddal

Fraggles     I didn't realise you had started either.  So sorry about your BFN. 

Kitten80 - don't take on board other people's bitterness and baggage... as Mousky said, you are treading your own path   to you.

Hey Mousky - how you doing?  

Just after some sympathy.  Have taken a job in a school until July.  It's a maternity cover (oh the irony...) and I have spent the week with a heavily pregnant woman.  She is lovely, but if she moans one more time about how fat she feels !!!  Of course, she doesn't know me or my story although I did get the 'Do you have any children?' question.  Which is fair enough.  I just said 'No...' and she didn't push it else she'd have got the full story    Will be glad when she leaves tomorrow (I have to sit through a staffroom baby shower!!).  Just have to brace myself for January and the 'bringing the baby to work' moment.  Breathe, breathe...


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## lizziesiddal

FutureMummy - I have just spotted your pic of Richard Armitage in 'North and South' - dear, Lord!  I have come over all funny.  Fight you for him!!!


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## coweyes

kitten80 said:


> Hi lady's
> 
> Sorry nix for your BFN
> 
> Lady's ok there is this woman that works with me she has had all fertility treatment and has failed so she takes it upone herself to be crule to me even tho she some times is nice she told me when I was going tho my IUI'S that it will never work granted she was right then when I said I might be having IVF treatment where I had the IUI she said I wouldn't go thre even if they said I could have a free go you wont fall with them I thought WTF what if I do have to go there now I am going to have all negative thoughts, well it turns out that I am not having treatment there so ner bloody ner.
> 
> Anyway today she was nasty but not about fertility stuff she basicly called me dumb and un artistic I said well actully Iam artistic I only just got a quout for my drawing and its worth £150 I am so angry but my DH said well one word Karma


Sounds to me as if this lady is angry with the world!! maybe she is jealous that she has come to the end of her ivf journey and your still doing it, so there for you still have a chance. I feel more sorry for her than anything, i hope that if it does not work out for me i dont end up like her!!!! Ignore her its her issues, not yours.


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## Mousky

coweyes said:


> I feel more sorry for her than anything, i hope that if it does not work out for me i dont end up like her!!!!


I'm with you! 
In the end, it's nobody's fault it hasn't happened to us  I try to remember this every time I see preggers, toddlers and babies 
I so don't want to become a bitter, miserable  if my dream doesn't come true 

Lizzie -  there. Today, I'm actually OK  I have so many ups and downs  Poor DH  How about you and all these pregnant ladies around? I see you'll sign the papers for FET in Jan. Any idea on the possible dates for transfer? I should be going around Feb/Mar 

 to all.


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## Kitten 80

Thanks Lady's   to all I will be   just worried what she will be like when I WILL GET MY BFP  

Fragles so sorry hun for your BFN   yes you can do what ever you like as hubby said karma


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## coweyes

Totally agree with you Mousky, being in this horrid situation is no ones fault.  I am determined to have a good life no matter the out come, i also would not swop my life for anyone elses.  Not to say that i dont feel jealous of other people, i do but i dont want to be them.  I would rather be stuck in this horrible situation with my dh and with the life i lead than be someone else.  The only reason i am in this situation is cos i am so much in love that i want to bring someone (a baby) into our happy little life.  I am hoping this is the same for others and that i can always remember this no matter what happens. xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Kitten 80

Morning 

Coweyes I agree I don't think I could ever be bitter to someone els that is ttc I always said I will try everything and at the end if nothing then I shall just enjoy my life as normal with out with DH AS i LOVE HIM VERY MUCH


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## poodlelover

Fraggles so sorry bt ur BFN   Totally RUBBISH. Would use worse swear words but scared of being banned by FF then wouldn't be able to cope. Sending you  

Lizziesiddal~ know what u mean bout the maternity/ baby shower crap. I too work in a school and started doing a maternity cover but back then had only just got married and hadn't given ttc a thought. Fast forward 10 years and am still in the same place. Have lost count of the amount of people who have got married, got preg while I have to stand by/sort out baby gifts/ leaving assemblies etc etc. Dunno how have held it 2gether. My prev headteacher was sooo insensitive that she let me sit in a whole staff mtg where someone announced their pregnancy a wk after I'd had a BFN that she'd known all about. During my 4th tx she told me another member of staff was 5 wks preg (" isn't it great!!")when I had just arrived late at work having spent 2 hrs at the hospital having had my early morn blood tests and scan off my t***s on hormones and steroids. Just looked at her in disbelief that someone could be such a total android. Having just had my 5th BFN with a new headteacher went back to work 3 days later (3 weeks ago) and she still hasn't even asked how I am etc!! People are just so wrapped up in themselves they are totally incapable of compassion and empathy. As many of the posts on this topic have shown. Hope the babyshower was bearable. I usually force a smile and go awol when they bring the baby in!!
It'll be our turn next...


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## lizziesiddal

Poodlelover   I just want to give you the biggest hugs and say I am so, so sorry. It is just so horrible that we have to negotiate the 'real world'. I have no problem with going out to work and working hard, but I sometimes want to be invisible and unknown. It's so difficult because the private world (i.e. pregnancies) cannot be kept separate from the workplace... I wish it could. I find I don't want to know if someone is getting married or buying a house, because I know a pregnancy will follow. I'm not bitter, but happy for them; however, I don't 'want to know'. I used to get such a stabbing pain when someone told me they were pregnant, but it no longer happens. I think I have become numb to it... I tend just to get a little tingle behind the eyes. If possible, please don't put yourself in the position of sorting out baby gifts and leaving assemblies; you have done enough over the years - delegate to someone else, someone who understands.

The baby shower was short, thank god. But as I am going to be covering the lady's classes, I have been sitting next to her in the faculty office all week. I should have thought and moved, but when they started coming over with the gifts, there were so many, she passed some over to me to hold. So there I am with a babygro and a little dress, one in each hand, smiling. Of course, I've only been there a week, so no-one knows me... it's not their fault. I should've self-preserved better than this and moved seats.

I find I am really sensitive at noticing when people go for 'hospital appointments' too. The lady who sits the other side in the office went for one on Thursday. Who wants to bet it was a 12-week scan and she'll announce it Monday? Will I have to sit next to her for the next six months now...? 

I went to see my old head of dept. today. She knows everything I have been through. She got pregnant last year first month of trying. She answered the door with the baby (okay - can except that). She then thrust her at me before even saying hello asking me if I wanted to hold her. I said no. She then said, "Well, don't you want to kiss her?" I said, not really, I came to bring you your keys. I gave them to her and went back up the path. She followed (without the baby, thank God), and asked me if I was still upset about my BFN. I said I was coping (not giving her the satisfaction). She then said, "Please come back to ********. I can't do the job without you. Why are you doing a maternity cover somewhere?" I told her I was not the person she remembered, and that my focus and priorities had changed. She pouted a little then said, "We must go out for a drink sometime. I don't know ANYTHING about IVF because obviously, I didn't need it... you must tell me all about it. But I was suprised when you said you had some extra embryos. To be honest, when you told me about [DH's] problems, I didn't think you'd have any fertilise." I wanted to say, I didn't think you knew anything about IVF. And clearly you don't. Now leave me alone!!!!

She's harmless, but I couldn't be bothered with playing silly beggars today.

Much hugs, Poodlelover


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## coweyes

O Lizziesiddal its crap nothing else to say about it!

I hope things improve soon.xx


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## Fraggles

Big hugs Lizziesiddal


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## lizziesiddal

Coweyes     Hi hon.  It's fine.  I don't have to work with the silly mare any more.  And the 'maternity lady' is gone.  For now. Hope you're well.  Big hugs.    

Hey Fraggles - hope you're okay... posting during X Factor break like me??!   Looking forward to more ideas on the PP front, coming soon!!! x


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## Fraggles

Hi Hon

Lost the xfactor thread but Stacey is exceptional tonight.

F x


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## lizziesiddal

Fraggles - Stacey was exceptional and gave us another classic quote: "I don't want to be a wedding singer.  No offence to wedding singers.  What's a wedding singer?"


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## Fraggles

That is a stupid thing to say but she is so sweet - saw someone say the new Jade Goodie during early stages of X factor.

It can be tough with other's taking mat leave, not being understanding, falling pregnant etc. 

How are you otherwise?

F x


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## beachgirl

This way to your new home...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=218463.0


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