# Failed attempts for a sibling & keeping smiling for others' pregnancies



## Rumplestiltskin (Mar 11, 2014)

Hi Everyone

Not sure where I fit, really - we've got extreme MF infertility (CBAVD and NOA...double whammy!). After one cancelled cycle and 3 full ICSI cycles we got our miracle baby, born in 2016. We've had 2 SSR ops on DH, the second one with Mr Ramsay. We've had 2 further ICSI cycles since DS was born, the first resulted in a chemical pregnancy, and the second was BFN. We've got 2 samples of DH's sperm left, but the samples from his second op are much poorer quality than from the first - it's likely that the first op caused damage. 

I met a lovely group of mums when I had my son, but the only two who had IVF both had "miracle" natural pregnancies within 6 months of having their babies. Another friend who was (possibly over-eagerly) referred for IVF after a miscarriage became naturally pregnant as she started DR for her first cycle, and a third mummy friend has just announced her pregnancy. It's not that I resent their pregnancies (well, possibly one or two of them, if I'm being really honest!), it's just all a bit hard. 

I would join the Pincushion Princesses, but since I've had one successful cycle, I'm not sure it's appropriate. But I'm feeling the 5 failed cycles a bit more than the one successful one at the moment. I know that's a lot more than many get in this horrible lottery, but I just wanted to have a bit of a vent among others who might understand. Sending hugs to anyone else who's having a bad day today, wherever you are on your journey


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## Podgeley (Aug 29, 2014)

Hi Rumplestiltskin

Didn't want to read and run.  I can really relate to where you are.  We had MF after my hubby had cancer in 2002 just as we were getting married.  We tried for 5 years before finally going for IVF and we were so incredibly lucky to have DS on our first and only NHS cycle.  After that we spent tens of thousands of pounds over 8 years having lots of tests and treatments (several cycles and FETS (we were upto about 9 transfers that all were BFN).  It was quite soul destroying and dealing with close friends (some who I met through IVF and some through baby groups) and family all having 1,2, 3 and in one case of close family 4    pregnancy announcements in those 8 years was very hard to take keep smiling and saying and doing the right things! 

We had pretty much reached the end of financial and emotional limit and were considering one last attempt to draw a line in autumn 2016.  In August 2016 I discovered I was expecting again naturally which was a total shock and really not something I thought would ever happen.  I went on to have twins and I know how totally lucky I am.  I am not trying to be glib and say it will happen eventually for you (although I do hope it does) but rather just wanted you to know you are not alone and to send you a hug  .

I guess really I wanted to say you are doing so well smiling and for others pregnancies but take time to look after yourself too, Infertility is a tough business to deal with and I found it difficult to talk to people in the real world about our overwhelming desire to have another as I felt I had my miracle and that I should keep quiet as others were in a worse position than me (ie never having had a child).  
I sincerely hope that you do get another miracle or two but only you can decide when you have had enough and move on...

sorry for my ramblings and I hope I haven't upset you, but use any outlet you can to get the frustration you feel out - I didn't do this myself and know I bottled things up for a long time which wasn't helpful..

Take care
Podge
xx


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## Baking Queen (Jul 7, 2014)

Hi Rumplestiltskin
I know exactly how you feel. It took us 10 rounds to get my little girl and I’ve juat had a chemical. I seem to be seeing pregnant women everywhere and all I can think is ‘that should be me’. A friend of mine got married when we were going our third cycle, fell pregnant on honeymoon and has just announced she is pregnant with her third - I couldn’t even bring myself to congratulate her. I know I’m in a dark place at the moment because of the chemical so I’m hoping things will change. All we can do is be kind to ourselves.
Take care.
BQ. xx


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## Rumplestiltskin (Mar 11, 2014)

Hi Podgeley and Baking Queen. Thank you for replying. It's good to know that I'm not alone. 

Baking Queen, I'm so sorry about your chemical...it's so, so cruel. I've still got the pee sticks from my chemical last year. Can't seem to bring myself to throw them away. I know exactly how you feel - a childhood friend and his wife started trying for kids at the exact same time as us. They had baby #3 when my DS was 2 months old, and they've just had baby #4. 

Podgeley - Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm so happy for you that you were able to complete your family after going through so much. I think I'm just pretty shocked at how badly our last cycle went - despite our issues, we usually get 70-90% fertilisation after ICSI, although we've never had any embryos to freeze, as usually only 2 are good quality by day 5. This time they upped my stims so we'd have more eggs and a chance at frosties. It worked - they got 15 eggs from me, 12 of which were mature, compared to our usual 9-11 total, but the sperm samples from the 2nd SSR were such poor quality that only 3 fertilised. With those odds, I was sure it wouldn't work, and there was no pleasure in being proved right. Now, even though we have 2 samples left, I've pretty much lost hope that it'll work again.

I know it sounds really selfish, but I just loved being pregnant - I even had a really positive labour, and I loved breastfeeding, and I just want to do it all again! Trying not to lose sight of the fact that I thought I'd never experience any of those things, and I've been so lucky to have them all, but it's difficult not to compare yourself to others who don't have fertility problems. 

Hugs to you both


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## Eboe (Mar 17, 2018)

Hi all
I am in the same predicament I have one lovely son and have been trying for number 2 for a year and a half.  One failed round of ivf and a chemical pregnancy have taken there toll emotionally.  All my friends who weren't fussed about number 2 are now pregnant or have had there number 2.  I am happy for them but want to know when it is my turn.  I am coming to the realization that maybe 1 is all I am lucky enough to get.  I will be 44 this year and most of my mummy friends are in there 30's.  I have a cytokine test tomorrow as I have just finished round 2 of humira so should have a next steps plan by Wednesday next week.  Not sure what will happen but I would like to think I have 1 more baby to complete our family.


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Hi ladies. I'm sorry for your struggles and that you too are facing this emotional journey. I must say it's hard to find others like me and while I'm not glad this is happening to any of us, I'm glad to find you out here.

I have a 5 year old son. OE IVF miracle. The past 5 years have both flown by (how is he 5, in school?) and dragged by painfully slowly (another birthday and Christmas the three of us, 1 chemical pregnancy, 1 OE miscarriage on our wedding anniversary, a DE miscarriage just before Christmas, many IVF BFNs and the last attempt was last month, a double donor cycle in Prague - I'm from Toronto, went there by myself, left him behind on the other side of the world... how crazy is this life of mine now, that no one knows about, except DH? Anyway - got all the way there, one of two blasts didn't survive the thaw, and just got the BFN for the other embie.

I love my son more than anything, yet am still engulfed in struggle and sadness. For the losses (not readily acknowledged or supported by society, in my experience), for his experiences and what he must be thinking (none of his friends are only children, his cousins including younger cousins all have younger siblings now too), and also, because he wants a sibling. It's not just us that want it for him. He takes care of stuffies and this lifelike baby boy like they are a family member - feeds them, carries them, gives them naps, talks to them. Today I was making supper and he set up a board game with a stuffy and actually played the full game pretending the stuffy was another kid. He also recently asked when another kid would come and live at our house. I'm so emotional, heightened by the cycle drugs, BFNs, losses... I can barely handle it.

I've also isolated myself from many friends... initially we started off by sharing when we had a complicated miscarriage and I was in hospital. Even those that live in the neighbourhood, our closest friends, never asked if we were okay, if they could watch our son, give us time to grieve, the girls never even sent me one text asking if I was okay. These are people we've travelled with, made meals for and brought flowers to in their times of bereavement (though not miscarriage.) They also all know about our infertility struggles. For a couple years, I kind of forced myself to still hang out and put on a brave face, but with what's happened in the past year and more new babies being born.. it's like I hit a wall. I kind of told myself, I will leave them a gift for their new baby, but I just can't celebrate them any further if they have ignored me in times of my babies' deaths and my personal crisis. Unfortunately I'm the only person going through infertility and secondary infertility within our families and our social circle, so it's been a painful decision to try and do what I need to do to feel comfortable socially right now, yet also make a choice to feel alone. 

Anyway, thanks for listening. I guess I'm putting myself back on another double donor embryo wait list overseas as the program is pay for 2 cycles get the third free if needed. Yet at the same time I wonder if I'm crazy. But I have a dream, and now I feel the pressure, panic, and sadness bubbling inside because I worry about my son. I know it's not a healthy place to be but this is my honesty.

Love to you all.


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## Rumplestiltskin (Mar 11, 2014)

HopefulKayte - I didn't want to read and run. Sending you so much love.... I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this, and that your support networks aren't stepping up with even the most basic support. That's just plain wrong, and I think you're right to step back a bit. They're clearly "fair weather friends", and you don't need to expend your emotional energy on them. Good friends would have been there for you... with cards, flowers, wine, childcare...it was not unreasonable of you to expect these things, that's what my friends did for me after my miscarriage....friends with no personal experience of infertility or baby loss. 

It must break your heart to see your little one want a sibling so much. My son is too small to ask us, but he also nurtures a baby doll, and loves others' babies, so I know how you feel.  

I'll write a proper response to everyone later, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm glad you found us, too x


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## MissB22 (Feb 15, 2018)

Hi
I completely know how you feel and sympathise. We had our miracle daughter 3 yrs ago via ivf and didn't really know at the time how lucky we were (success first round). We have been struggling since to  get a sibling for her and feel a huge amount of guilt every single day - especially when she's just started calling one of her dolls 'Sister'. 
Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.


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## Audiprincess (May 7, 2012)

Hi ladies

Just wanted to say you are certainly not alone and after what you have all been through it's normal and natural to feel the way u do, sending you all lots of love and lots of luck for the future xx


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## Hayze (Jul 29, 2015)

It’s so hard. We have genetic issues that mean our natural children will almost certainly be autistic.  We used a donor embryo and on our second attempt got a wonderful little boy.  We had 4 Frosties left to attempt to give him a natural sibling but 2 failed to grow on, 1 chemical pregnancy and one bfn.  Absolutely deflated. We’re now on the waiting list for more donor embryos and it looks like a batch of 5 are about to come up.  I’ve been waiting for this but now it’s (almost) here I’m full of doubts. I desperately want a sibling for my little man but I’m so scared of going through it all again in case it’s another bfn. It’s soul destroying. You have to be positive throughout the treatments in order to give it the best chance of working, but that’s what makes it so hard when it turns out negative. Back to back cycles helped because there was no time to wallow, but I’ve had a couple of months off now and I’m seriously debating whether we’re doing the right thing.  It’s ridiculous as I never wanted an only child but I’m sat here feeling sorry for the attention he’s going to lose if the next cycle is successful. I know he’d adore a sibling so I know that I’m being completely irrational, but I’m just scared of getting my hopes up again. I’m sure I’ll settle down once treatment starts. I hate this journey and I feel for every single person on it. You have no idea of the strength it takes until you’ve been there. Good luck everyone xxxx


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