# How to convince DP to try IVF?



## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

I met my DP almost 4 years ago. I was 42, him - 52. Initially he was saying that he would like to have a child "one day". He has not had vasectomy, never smoked or drank alcohol. In theory his sperm should be ok. Obviously I did not insist to start trying from the first day. We have had unprotected sex but nothing happened so far. I will be 46 in two months time and would not mind to try IVF even with DE, but my DP does not want to try IVF. He now says that we are both too old to try for a child. Many of his friends are planning to retire soon. Though some of his friends have young children (5-7 years old), their examples cannot convince him to try for a child via IVF.
My DP is a very nice person and I am sure he would be a wonderful father, but he does not want to become one  
I do not have any other family in the UK so doubt it would be a good idea to have a child on my own (with DE and DS): if something happens to me the child will go into the system.
Anyway I have always believed that any child deserves to have both parents and it is my responsibility to find a man who would be a good father to my child.

If anyone here have been in a similar situation and managed to convince their DP, I would be grateful if you could share your experience, please.


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## Sasha2016 (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi Lily


I find myself in the same situation as yourself. My OH says that if he had wanted kids, he'd have done it in his 20's. He's mid 40s and says he's too old now and that if I want to do IVF, I will need to find someone else. Tough love.😟


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Hi Sasha,

Many thanks for your reply. My partner says that he wanted to have a family with children but did not meet the right woman.
Now one day he says we are both too old, another day he says that since I am always tired I won't have energy to look after a child. 
I have psoriasis which causes my tiredness. I am not afraid of sleepless night because I cannot sleep well because of psoriasis anyway.  However, I am a higher rate tax payer so my earning should be sufficient to afford a nanny.
I am tempted to go straight to DE IVF because of my age and psoriasis but would like my child to have at least a father whom I know and love.


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

I went throught something similar with my husband.  I was ready for babies at 29, my husband was 17 years older, had 2 step daughters, a son and a vasectomy from a previous marriage.  Just before he was due to have a reversal he chickened out.  It was a deal breaker for me. We went to one couples counselling session, it quickly became apparent that he was scared of loosing everything again. We agreed that we would give it 6 months, that he would change his mind, or I would change my mind or we would break up.  He came around in the end and we went on to have 6 icsi cycles and i lost count of frozen transfers.  That was 14 years ago now, it didnt work for us but we've survived better and stronger than ever - we have both changed for the better having survived the experience. I had to try to have a family the fact that it didnt work doesnt matter any more. 

I learned a few things along the way 1) it's rare for men to get broody but when babies come they generally just love them unconditionally 2) it's never a good time to have a baby, you never have enough time, energy or money it's not a logical thing to do - most men, given a choice will be logical 3) i would never advocate tricking a man in to pregnancy but if trying naturally is an option be very clear that you are no longer taking precautions but they can if they want, they usually crack within a month

Advanced age and like me needing help with ivf complicated matters somewhat.  Suggest you do some serious soul searching, if you really want a baby you should get on with it, there are options you might need to offer an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through on your own if necessary.  Plenty more fish in the sea but the window for babies is small.


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

my husband had children from a previous marriage
when we got married he had a reversal..........it did not work
we did IUI ...it did not work
he had another reversal...........again.........it did not work
then we tried ivf...........


guess what? it did not work.


At least he agreed to try having babies with me. But he did not want it as desperately as i did.  Men generally do not.


Sadly he passed away.


And still....................no babies for me.


I finally saved enough money to go it alone and on the 3rd try i became pregnant at 56.


Best pregnancy ever.


I am the happiest woman on earth.


I adore my baby girl.


Please dont waste your life/time ..............


go for your dream.


I have JOY in my life for the first time in my life.


Morganna xx


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## chooshoos (Dec 18, 2014)

i tend to agree with lilly, you may have to make some serious choices about you really want, nobody would go in to single parenthood lightly but millions of people make it happen, if you want a family strongly enough you will do it. 

I dont think you can persuade someone to be a parent, its too big, too important, I would only really want o go in to this knowing everyone is 200% and if "everybody" is just me - so be it. I am lucky not to be in that position I admit. 

I would focus on what you want and follow that, tough but as lilly says the window for a family at our age is very small, whereas although I am sure your DP is incredible i'm sure there are many other wonderful relationships in your life. 

Good luck to you


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Many thanks for your support DippyGirl, Morganna and Chooshoos.

The last conversation with my partner ended up with "Me or a baby", i.e. if I have a child we will split.

I really want to have a child so I am afraid I am choosing a child. 
I guess he does not realize that many women will choose a child over the relationship.
Honestly, I do not understand his fear. I have my own property so the baby will not disturb him at nights.
My partner knows I can afford the childcare. All I wanted is my child to have a male role model.

I have decided to go for DD IVF. No clue how long it takes and where to find donors. Will contact CREATE next week and see what they suggest.


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## LuckyE (Dec 9, 2013)

Well done Lily. Never give up the chance of the child you want for a man. I am single too and was with a guy for 4 years. He never really wanted a child and backed out the day before we were about to start IVF -  Needless to say. We split  

Love that Morganna says she is experiencing JOY. I experience such joy with my 6 month old nephew. I hope that is only a fraction of JOY I will receive with my own child. 

LuckyE


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## LuckyE (Dec 9, 2013)

Lily, would you consider doing DD IVF abroad? TM Cyprus is very popular on these boards. I am a regular follower of their thread.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I think you have made the right choice.  Sometimes there are things that can't be compromised on.  There is no right or wrong opinion here, you are both entitled to feel how you do.

I would have left my husband over fertility treatment if need be.  I couldn't just have not even attempted fertility treatment.

Good luck for the future.
X


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## Rabbit100 (Oct 26, 2010)

Hi Lily

I have no advice but don't think you need any extra you've had some great advice & clearly reached a decision.  I just wanted to say good for you for going ahead with DD.  2 beliefs of mine on the TTC roller coaster are:
1) theres no compromises on having a baby you can't have 1/2 of one or change your mind and give it back! And if it's something you want & your other half doesn't someone has to compromise to be together on such a huge decision that's tough & can break down a relationship sooner or later.
2) I have never wanted to look back and have regrets, that I didn't try for a baby hard enough, that I do everything reasonably within my control to make it happen.  I didn't want to get to 60 & think I should have done xyz and never did.

You sound like a strong lady in a good position to give a child a loving home. So just wanted to say hats off to you and good luck with your journey
Rx


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Lily

What can I say??

                                                             ^c                           


Don't let anyone take away your dream of a baby.

M. Xxx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Good luck on your journey, I hope you achieve your dream


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

Well done on your decision Lily!!!  How are you feeling after this roller coaster decision?


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## Bax (Feb 25, 2015)

Wow Lily, thats a huge decision.  How do you feel?

I agree with the point made above, that you can't persuade someone into doing IVF.  I was with my ex for 10 years and had personal fertility tests in secret, but then I reached a point where I couldn't progress without his co-operation.  I knew that IVF wasn't something he would support (he was a "head in the sand" kinda guy) and so I left him.  He's since married and had two children, which actually wasn't as tough as I thought it would be.  

In the meantime I met and married my DH, who had a daughter already and initially (before we married) wanted more children, and then (after we were married) went through a tough time and didn't want any more.  Like someone else said - he didn't want to risk losing it all again and he blamed himself for wrecking his daughters life (which he hasn't btw).  Ultimately I knew I had to try everything I could if I wasn't going to have any regrets, so we had several really tough conversations about how I saw my future.  He understood and we started ttc, and then went for IVF.  TBH he was a bit ambivolous at first but as we got through the cycles, he really warmed up and was incredibly supportive.  When I had a mmc he was also devestated, and keeping trying with more cycles was his suggestion.  Now finally we are PG and we are both over the moon!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that men and women are different and we have different life stages.  We can both also change our minds and there is every chance your DH might warm up to the idea if you keep talking about it, and make him understand exactly how you feel, but ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone.  I know you have made your decision now, but also remember that deciding to go ahead with IVF doesn't automatically means that you end up with a baby.  I did say I would have to leave DH if he didn't support me in the decision to try, but I'm so very glad I didn't actually have to do it.

The very best of luck to you.  No regrets! xx


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Many thanks to everyone for support


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