# Surrounded by insensitivity



## siob (Apr 10, 2011)

I need to rant!

We have a gorgeous little princess who will be 2 in January and she is my whole world! We tried for a sibling earlier this year and sadly it wasn't meant to be. We decided to call it a day. It was a tough decision but one we're happy with and we're enjoying our life as a family of 3.

Some people know we tried IVF again, but lately I'm having to put up with those that don't (be they family members, friends or strangers in the supermarket!) making comments about when we're having another and don't leave it too long and if I say we're not having anymore I get their disapproval with them telling me I should give her a sibling. It's as bad as when we first started ttc and found out about our issues. Everyone then seemed to feel it was their place to talk to me about when and how I should be having my family. I still find it so infuriating that people think it's their place or business to even raise the subject with some else about their family plans. 

As if that isn't bad enough I'm at the end of my tether with my group of NCT friends. We're all on a ******** thread (bl**dy social media!) Last week one of them announced she was pregnant. So that's 3 of them pregnant with their second all within weeks of one another. A other has already had her second and the other 3 have twins and aren't planning any more. One of the twin mums pipes up with her congratulations and follows it with "that's all of us now with a second baby" I honestly felt like I'd been punched in the face! I know she didn't mean any malice and she's clearly just been completely thoughtless but it's made me feel really self conscious. I feel like everyone will have read it and instantly thought "not quite all of us" and if they didn't think it then, they will have done once I eventually plucked up the courage to post my own congratulations. So now I feel really conspicuous and the odd one out. The girls all know that we tried again and it didn't work. I wish I hadn't been so honest now. And annoyingly the chat has all become about pregnancy (and I'm sure I'm not the only one getting a bit bored by it)

Then this evening one of the mums sent me a pm asking if she could buy some of my baby things! Like I need a her her riffling through my baby's things like a vulture! I just can't believe anyone could be so hurtful. Again, I'm sure she's not being willfully cruel but come on! I've been feeling close to tears all week over it and this was just the last straw tonight. I think I'm going to distance myself from them all, certainly for the time being which is a shame because up until this week I've had a great relationship with them. But I don't need to surround myself with people who make me feel negative about my situation and the really hard decisions we've had to make.

Sorry to moan, but I just needed to vent.


----------



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

I don't have any answers but couldn't read and run     I get the same thing. DS is 3 and I get all sorts of rude comments and frequent questions - sometimes I shrug it off, sometimes I say things like "No, we got it right the first time, we don't need to try again" (obviously doesn't work for people who know about your failed IVF but great for nosey parker mums with a brood), With regard to your NCT ******** group I would have just said "well not all of us" when she said that. How thoughtless! She probably didn't mean to hurt you but obviously didn't think of you either, that would deserve an apology imo.
At the end of the day, if anyone really p*sses you off just walk away from them they're obviously not worth talking to.
Big hugs xxx


P.S. Love the pic of your dog what a cutie


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Siob,

Me too . When I was having IVF I felt too vulnerable to confide in anyone other than close family & 1 good friend, but now when people ask questions about having any more I simply tell them I'm unable to. A straightforward, honest answer that makes them a bit more aware not everyone can have children easily without causing offense, & also usually nips any further insensitive enquiries in the bud.

I agree with Kandykane your NCT friend was thoughtless, & it may be a good idea now you have less in common to try and branch out & form other bonds that don't make you feel upset or uncomfortable. I find it much easier to be around people who are unlikely to announce a further pregnancy.

Look after yourself & focus on the positives - having struggled to get where you are, your little miracle no doubt brings you more joy than ten kids to someone who can pop them out effortlessly, I know I appreciate motherhood much more than the fertile women I see dragging their broods along with a face like sin & talking about them like they are a nuisance.

Does it hurt? Yes. Would I swap places? No.

B xxx


----------



## siob (Apr 10, 2011)

Thanks ladies,
I'm feeling a bit calmer about it today but I still feel like a little bit of distance will do me good. 
Bombsh3ll you're right, I think I need to find some new circles to mingle in.
The thing that annoys me as that I'm genuinely happy for these ladies and as disappointed as we were that our cycle didn't work out, I'm happy with our decision to leave it there and move on but when something like this happens it takes me straight back to where I was 4 years ago and that's not who I am anymore.
At least I can have a glass of wine while wrapping all of dd's fr Christmas presents!   It's little things like that that make me so grateful for her, I feel so lucky that I get to experience these little joys that I'm sure so many mums could easily take for granted.
Thank you again, it'sa relief to be able to vent to people who understand. I love ff! Xx
Ps Yes that tiny little face is my pup when he was little. He's a big chunk now, 54kg at 3&1/2 years old but such a gentle giant. He's my "eldest" and just adores dd... another thing to be grateful for - I wouldn't have him if it wasn't for my rubbish ovaries


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Blondie100,

Thanks for sharing your experience, it is really good to be reminded that many people make a positive choice to only have one child & that there are many advantages  

I have a friend who conceived her son (naturally) against massive odds due to severe male factor. They haven't been able to have another bur are completely happy & plan to send him to private school which wouldn't be an option with two.

NCT wasn't for me either - I bottle fed my daughter & may as well have sat there smoking crack cocaine.

B xxx


----------



## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Siob - I know im late to this thread but im totally understanding you. Saturday I had a meeting with my NCT group and the 3rd announced her pregnancy. I have done more treatment this year and have a DD who is 20 months. I had a miscarriage in august. Another girl did from the NCT group too and she is already now 15 weeks pregnant again. The 2 pregnant people I knew about had been tactful around me. but the third said she didn't want to say anything before Saturday ' because of what people had been through this summer' and then spent 30 mins saying how lovely it was lots of new babies were coming and she timed the pregnancy for summer as she wouldn't want a winter baby (my due date was 28th Feb 2015). Ive realised I have nothing in common with them except baby 1 and now most are onto baby 2 theres nothing for me to add and its just upsetting. 

It seems so unfair too as other friends have much better NCT groups where the ladies are older or don't want second children. I seem to have been unlucky getting a group of early 30's women who all plan on popping a few out. 

Im stepping away from them too. Im so disappointed by the lady that announced the 3rd pregnancy. I know shes excited and not doing it to get at me but she never looked me in the eye once and it almost felt like she was gloating at me. I know its just me being sensitive. Im certainly not going to be in touch with them again and am wandering if I should invite them to DD's 2nd birthday party in April. Its horrid how this IF seperates us from others and its so upsetting. Its not seeing the babies that I find upsetting. Its how easy it is for these people to get pregnant that upsets me. They can plan the month. I just think how much different my life would have been if I could have done that. But your all right that we appreciate the only's more. My DD can potentially go to private school as we have only her and couldn't with 2. 

Funnily enough with my NCT group ive been the only stay at home mum and when we meet they all talk about work and nursery. No one has ever asked me how it is staying at home. Other friends think maybe they are a bit jealous so don't ask but I don't know. Really nothing in common anymore. I cant think of anything worse than meeting up with them all on their 2nd maternity leave.


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Welcome on board KLconfused,

Your NCT group sounds like a difficult place to be right now. It's a shame when good friends' lives move in different directions.

As an infertile mum, I feel I never fully fit in either camp, those with children or those without.

I find it much easier to be around people when they have had their baby than whilst they are pregnant (which is bizarre as I didn't enjoy a minute of my pregnancy, I was an anxious mess)- maybe in a few months' time the dynamic in your group will have shifted again & some of them may even secretly be looking at you with envy when they are exhausted & haggard.

Are you planning any more treatment? I know what you mean about people even being able to plan the month they conceive, but on the other hand I know I treasure every moment with my daughter far more than I probably would if all I'd had to do was have sex!

Have a lovely Christmas with your little princess,

B xxx


----------



## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Siob I'm so sorry to see you feeling down and particularly sad your 2nd cycle hasn't worked   I know your lovely hubby Andy is mad about you, your LO and your doggy too   

You will always have a special place in my heart as without your kind email after bfn at dogus I would never have gone to serum, you gave me the kick up the bum I needed to move onwards and up and I'm eternally grateful to you  

Hoping you have your hearts desires whatever the journey may be xoxo


----------



## bluesbird (Aug 20, 2008)

Hello Ladies, wow I relate to all of this! Siob firstly   , That was rather insensitive asking you for your baby clothes but some people just don't think! I too am at the stage where my NCT friends are all having 2nd baby - one had one only 16 months after our first, then another a few months later and now a third is pregnant. It's funny after I had DS I thought that's it my struggle is over no more heartache job done so to speak. I didn't realise there would be more pain when everyone else started having 2nd babies. We are not trying again for one reason and another but I feel like I am grieving for the child/children I am not going to have and it hurts! I also get bored now of the baby talk second time round and which double buggy is best bla bla bla I don't give a sh-t! They are lovely girls though and I stay friends with them because none of my other friends have toddlers. I even gave the latest pg girl my maternity clothes as some sort of twisted proof to myself that I have moved on from having another baby. I also am not upset at the babies but the pregnant ladies and when they rub their bumps it really cuts me up - I think because now I know what its like and how much I loved that part of it all. No one apart from you other lovely ladies understands how we feel and sometimes I know people think I should just be grateful I have DS, and I do count my blessings every day but it doesn't stop that maternal ache. It annoys me too when strangers ask when im having another - I now say we cant have anymore which could be true!

God sorry im going on and on but its good to get it off my chest and I know you ladies will get me! we should start a thread for 'mums of one' maybe make new friends from here to meet who we know are not having anymore!

As a few of you have said though there are good points to having one too - we will be better off financially, be able to give our child ALL our attention, no arguing, no sibling rivalry and accusing us of having favourites and hopefully more sleep sooner than later! I try and make myself feel better by imagining our life if IVF hadn't have worked and know that I am soooo blessed. I had a hospital apt the other day - another reason why I wont be having another was left with lots of probs and having treatment still anyway got chatting to an older lady and said I have problems cos my DS and she told me she had 4 m/c her last when she was 43 and had no children. anyway DS came in with his granddad who was looking after him and the lady smiled and said he is gorgeous enjoy him. God I had to get out of there before I cried just a reminder of how lucky we are.

Anyway sorry for the rambling I hope you all have a lovely xmas with your LO's lots of love xxxx


----------



## Egg1234 (May 31, 2013)

Hello everyone, I know this thread's not been active for a while but just wanted to say I completely understand how you all feel & thank you for sharing because whenever I feel the grief for the children I didn't have (even though I know I am so fortunate to have my adored DD) I come here & just knowing I'm not alone does help hugely. I would definitely like a place to post specifically for Mums of 1, too. I really know hardly anyone with only 1 and do feel left out. 

My DD is just about to turn 5. I've had 2 m/c and 1 failed FET since she was born. I still feel sad she doesn't have a sibling, but it does get a little easier I think as they get older & people realise maybe you can't have another without having to spell it out. I am pretty direct about it with people too. If they ask me about it, I just say I've had 4 miscarriages and 4 failed IVFs so I think a sibling is unlikely. I'd love it if it happened, but age is against me now & it took 6 years of trying before DD was conceived. The facts sort of speak for themselves, really. I did find that phase when DD was 1.5-3 particularly hard as all the women I spent time with at baby activities popped another one or two out. I felt very alone. I was part of a group of women, and in that group even 2 other women who had problems have now had a second. It is hard being the only one with only one. Would love to find somewhere to share the challenges, sadnesses and joys of being a Mum to one, but not much success so far - if anyone knows of any online communities or meetups let me know! 

Hugs to everyone.


----------



## Sky_blue_purple (Jan 2, 2015)

Glad I found this thread today. Have just got back from NCT 3rd birthday where all of the other 11 mums have already had #2 and I just feel very awkward around them and generally try to avoid them. As I'm still attempting #2 I don't want to completely cut any ties. I've had 2 miscarriages and was diagnosed with ovarian failure a couple of weeks ago so egg donation is  the  next step. I feel better that others feel the same - I feel like such a cow at times and am very direct with anyone asking insensitive questions, I secretly like watching them squirm


----------



## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Hello all,  

Hope you don't mind me butting in, but I can really understand where you are coming from.  Sorry to hear some of you have been finding it hard at the NCT groups.  I never ended up going to one as only found out where the nearest one was after I had started going to a local mother and toddler group anyway.  

We had our DD (who is 4 in May) on our first icsi.  We knew we were very lucky but still felt that because it worked first time it would work a second.  We tried for a sibling last year, and although the number of eggs, embryos etc was near enough the same, we had a BFN.  At first I wanted to try again,  but we thought about it for over 6 months and decided to go with our original plan of just one go(unless we had any frosties).    I was surprised how relieved I felt after we had made the decision.

I would still love her to have a sibling so would not say no if nature worked miracles, and have not got rid of all the baby things quite yet, but can see the advantages of only having one child (practical, financial and selfish).  I love my DD to bits but she can be hard work at times and looking back on how things are at the moment, we would be really struggling if I was pregnant too.  

We were lucky in that the toddler group we went to was at the local community centre, so dd is now in nursery with some of the same children.  Whilst i am friends with a number of them on ******** etc, I sometimes feel a bit of an outsider at the nursery as a number of them have known each other for much longer as they all have older children in school together.

I am very lucky though in that both a friend from school and a friend I used to work with have both had icf/icsi and their children are 6 months older and 4 months younger than mine so we meet up with them when we can.  Although the common link now is the children, I suppose the dynamic is different as we were friends before they came along. They both have only one child (one is trying for a second). My nephew is also an only child (no plans for a second)  and only 18 months older than my daughter. They are very close and see each other a few times a week -  they play and squabble just like they are siblings anyway.  I suppose in a way, knowing that she is friends with others that are only children helps as she will not think she is different because there is no brother or sister. 

I still get asked by people (I am nearly 42) if we plan having a second child and the way in which I respond varies, but most of them i think are genuine rather than just being nosey. Although we are struggling to get things done at the moment, I do feel I have the best of both worlds as I work (part time) with a really good group of people, but still have some time off to do things like take dd to gymnastics.


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Talkingfrog,

I can relate to the feeling of relief about no more IVF. Although it would have been nice to have the choice, when the obstetric consultant came round & told me that any further pregnancies were out of the question I felt relief at never having to make that decision.

I think I would have kept having just one more go, & then one more, & been consumed by it again. I wouldn't have been able to quit until it worked & it could quite possibly have destroyed me & my family. 

B xxx


----------



## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Thanks Bombshell - i have just read your history - sounds like you have been through quite a lot. We were lucky in that I had no real side affects during treatment but did have ohss after transfer. Straightforward pregnancy - just the before and after (had an unplanned c section) that were a problem!


----------

