# Help, new person here ~



## bubstar (Oct 17, 2005)

Hi, I haven't really used this site before (although I was astonished to realise I'd actually registered about 18 months ago!). I'm quite scared about starting (no idea of all the trendy abbreviations!) but I've got to the point of desparation where I think no-one has any idea of the pain I feel and it looks like there's loads of people here who will. 

We have been waiting for our baby (?ttc!) for over 4 yrs now (wow - tears coming - I'm finding it really difficult to sit down + write this, block it out most of the time). No real problem found, I have mild endo + small fibroids but no-one's sure if that's causing the problem. Given 'unexplained' label. Started IUI last Dec, 2 failed cycles so far (how do people manage to start IUI so quickly - do they just go private? We first went to GP after 18 mths + this is the earliest we could start! - are our NHS waiting lists just really bad here?). Very depressed at the thought of another cycle - it is really confirming in my own mind there is something wrong after years of doctors telling us everything was fine + we just had to keep 'trying' (doesn't that word take all the fun out of it?!). 

I also can't believe there's people out there (including some of my friends) who think they have a problem after 5 or 6 months - when the average time to conceive is apparently 9 months!

The best and worst thing is that I lost a baby Dec 2005, 6 wks pregnant, most people would probably say it wasn't even a baby, but to me it was the most precious thing ever. It all seemed too good to be true when the line went blue - I had my happiest week for a long time just after that - but it didn't last. When the chances of not miscarrying are so much greater than miscarrying it seemed so unfair, like it was our one chance snatched from us.

I'm not even really sure what I want to say on here. I'm 34 now + terrified it's all too late, been told IVF waiting lists could be 3 to 5 years once IUI's finished. 

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with those hurtful comments people make? - 'be you next' etc etc. , without blurting out all your personal business? It's getting quite unbearable at work as there are now 2 pregnant women + every break and lunchtime all the talk is baby + pregnancy talk. Soooooo sick of it! I am withdrawing more and more from social occasions as I just don't know how to deal with these comments. 

The few 'friends' we have told have stopped contacting us, I think people don't know what to say. My mum just always tells me how much worse things could be (?!) + then proceeds to tell me which of my cousins + old schoolfriends are pregnant this week, even the fertility nurse isn't interested in discussing the emotional side of things. 

I just don't know where to turn + feel like I can't carry on sometimes. This is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, always been so into looking after babies + children, now I try and avoid them, but have to deal with them at work. 

OK, I'll stop whingeing on now, I'm sure that's the hardest bit over - I'm sure I'll be better after off-loading a bit. Sometimes I can pretend to be quite cheerful!!

Bubstar XX


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## Guest (Mar 22, 2007)

Bubstar
Welcome to FF, I'm sorry about you both losing your baby 
If you need help and support you have come to the right place the ladies on hear are a god send and I'm sure you will find that too.
Good luck 
Sukie


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Hi Bubster

Firstly a big hello and welcome to the world of FF, a very supportive, friendly and addictive place!  

Sorry for your loss, it is so cruel, I know.

With regards to treatment, I have paid for everything all the way down the line (except clomid which was NHS).  Otherwise I would still be waiting.  (our PCT do not offer IUI with drugs and unfortunately I do not ov without).  It is very hit and miss what a pct does offer.  I even paid for my drilling privately as the wait was so bad.         

Good luck on your journey and I hope you reach your dreams

strawbs xx


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## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Bubstar,

I know exactly what you're feeling! We've been ttc for 6yrs, we've lost three babies along the way and I'm struggling with what may lie ahead - will it ever happen, won't it?

You're not alone on here, everyone understands and is so supportive. When I look back to the blissful carefree days before ttc, I wouldn't have understood, you have to go through an experience to understand it. That's not to say it's not hurtful when people make insensitive comments though.

With regard to our friends who know our situation, which is all of them really, I feel like they avoid us too. Also, I feel like they'd rather ignore me than tell me they're expecting, I feel like they think I'm some sort of monster! 

I read that you fell pregnant in 2005, but sadly miscarried. Well, of course that baby meant the world to you, it was a very much wanted and loved baby. It doesn't matter when you miscarry in pregnancy, what you lose is the hope and the dream you had for that baby as well as the baby. The minute you find out you're pregnant, you fall in-love with that baby and feel a duty to protect them. That's how I felt. The worst thing for me to deal with is the fact that apart from my DF, the three babies I've lost are the three things I love most in the world. No-one else ever got to see them or meet them, but they were growing inside of me, therefore, no-one will ever love them except for me. That makes me sad to think my precious babies will only be loved by me. Sorry to rant about myself, I had my last miscarriage only 3weeks ago today, at 16weeks pregnant so I'm still grief-stricken.

The only thing pulling me through right now is that my body allowed me to become pregnant again (our first pregnancy was natural, we lost that baby at 21weeks, our second pregnancy was on our 2nd IVF attempt, we conceived twins but sadly lost them too, I didn't think I'd ever become pregnant again as there was a 5yr gap in the two pregnancies). I know you just want to be pregnant again right now, as do I, but our bodies have been pregnant before, surely that's a positive? I have to try and find the positives in the situation, there aren't many so I'm often clutching at straws. I really think you should try to find some comfort in the fact that you've achieved a pregnancy before.

Anyway, if you want to rant, this is the place to do it. If you're feeling sad, frustrated and bitter, we'll help you through it.

Lots of Love,

Sharon xxxxxxxxxxx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

& Welcome to FF Bubster

When I read your post I found myself filling up for the first time in a long time,
I think its cause like you I cried when I made my first post on here 
and I too had a m/c after a few years of trying knowing our diagnosis

There are sadly many women on here who Like you are struggling to hold it all together when faced with such situations, I have found that by comming on here and sharing my thoughts/feelings and reading of others journeys has helped me enormously as I now understand my emotions to be "normal"

I hope FF works its magic for you too 



> The few 'friends' we have told have stopped contacting us, I think people don't know what to say. My mum just always tells me how much worse things could be (?!) + then proceeds to tell me which of my cousins + old schoolfriends are pregnant this week, even the fertility nurse isn't interested in discussing the emotional side of things


You need to speak to your Mum, tell her that you find hearing about other peoples pregnancys and babies is upsetting you, and that you would like her to understand how difficult this is for you not to be able to give her a grandchild!
(this worked on my mum) I had to be blunt in the end hints wernt working!!
same at work, I have managed to be quite open at work and now find I am able to deal wiith things better, but for a long time I would be in the loos crying! or sat in my car on my own for the half hour just reading and listening to the radio - could you try that ?? or prehaps put on an ipod/radio with headphones. lastly I would suggest speaking to your gp/or fertility nurse and asking for some fertility counselling as this can really help.

Lastly I am going to leave you some links to boards that will be most helpful but feel free to post anywhere

EndoCLICK HERE
FibroidsCLICK HERE

UnexplainedCLICK HERE

A special board where you can post a message for your angel
Forget me notCLICK HERE

And just for some social chit chat 
check out Girl & Boy talk 
CLICK HERE

Wishing you Friendship  &   


We also have a great chatroom (check the index for themed chats)
It is often good to talk to people who understand what you are going through 

*Every Friday Night from 8pm to 9pm is NEWBIE NIGHT* Miss TC and Kate or I will be in there to help you use the chatroom, answer any questions, etc.

If you can't make it on Friday night, just send one of us a personal message and we will meet you in there at a prearranged time for a short "one2one" session to show you the ropes 

For more info on Newbie Night 
*CLICK HERE**



~Dizzi~
*


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## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

HI Bubstar,
You've already had some brilliant posts, and I agree and empathise with everything there.  It's a really awful situation to be in and so many people just have no idea how painful it is.  You can also go around feeling like some kind of monster, cos you feel like the only one who is having problems in a very fertile world.

I agree that you have to be blunt with your mother, so she can support you fully.  I think sometimes it's the only way, cos otherwise people interpret your 'brave face' as you really feeling fine about everything.  Easier said than done, maybe, but you should not feel bad about saying it to her.

I have found posting on here and reading other people's stories has made me feel less alone and that I belong to a community of people who are all experiencing the same thing.  I hope you will also find lots of solace and support, even though it is still a lonely journey in many ways.

In terms of how to deal with all the people who are insensitively saying 'be you next' etc, i think you have to weigh up how much pain this causes you, as opposed to how bad you would feel about people knowing you are having 'probs'.  If you think it's better to bring them up short so they are more sensitive next time, you could say things like, 'babies don't come when you whistle', but you have to decide whether that is right for you.

As for the wait etc, yes, the waiting time does depend on which PCT you are under.  It is worth finding out whether you can go for private treatment whilst you are waiting and not forfeit your free NHS IVF 'go', cos some areas won't let you have free treatment if you have already gone private.  It is obviously very expensive to go private, but if there are ways and means, it can take the stress of waiting away, in a situation where time ticking by feels like a death knoll anyway.

Also, have you considered getting your GP to consider referring you for counselling?  It might make a difference to how you feel on a day-to-day level.  Sometimes there is a wait for this, too, but might be worth asking about.

Oh, and 34 is NOT OLD !!!! (I have a vested interest in saying this, clearly!)....The consultants I have met in the clinics we looked around to try and find the right place for us all said that 34 was young.

Lots of       and bubbles,

Clarey xxxxx


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## custard (Jan 20, 2006)

Dear Bubstar,

Welcome to FF.  I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  

I hope that you will find some support here on FF - I know I do everyday  

Lots of love,
Jen
xxx


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## dakota (Feb 6, 2007)

Hi Bubstar,

Welcome to FF, Sorry to hear of your loss.  

This site is fantastic for support and information. It has helped me so much. There are some great ppl on here, and we know how much it hurts and how upsetting IF can be.

I think you need to talk to your mum about the comments she makes. Just explain how hurtful it is and that you honestly would rather not know. She might be a little put out, but she loves you and wants whats best for you so she will understand the stress it causes you.

Comments for other ppl are the hardest thing to contend with, especially if not everyone knows your situation. My way of coping is just to say when the time is right i will have one (Only my mum and BF know we are having problems). Often ppl dont realise what they are saying will hurt you and sometimes can be a slip of the tongue as not everyone thinks before they speak. The worst comment for Me is you have plenty of time for kids your only young (im 23) obviously to me it hurts so much i want to scream at them. But i know they dont know what im going through and its just a comment from them thats not ment to hurt or mean anything.

Like clareybob said, Have you though about counselling? Im currently on the waiting list as im one who tends to bottle things up and get myself very low. My DP is brilliant but i dont think he truely understands how much it hurts me and how much it actually upsets me. Its hard staying positve all the time but it doesnt hurt to have a good cry.

There are a lot of boards to post on. Have a look around. If you feel confident reply to others. we are all here to help and support each other   There is also a board for each area. Maybe finding ppl who live close by who are suffering the same will help you know that ppl understand.

If you need any help or just want a chat PM me anytime

Huggles
dakota xx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi bubstar and welcome to the site 

So sorry to hear of the problems you have had trying for a baby - its not an easy journey.

This site is fantastic for advice and support and you have been left some great links to try.

Good luck with everything

Kate xx​


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## bubstar (Oct 17, 2005)

Thanks for your kind comments + words of wisdom everyone, you've all been so lovely + reassuring that how I feel is quite normal. I feel better already thinking that I'm not completely cracking up!  Some of the comments + advice sound really useful, I might give tham a go. You feel like you're the only person going through it, but that's obviously not the case.

Feeling a bit braver now, will start looking round the site a bit more to see how to use it. 

Good luck to you all! Bubstar xx 
(PS.I'll send some bubbles and things when I've worked it all out...!!)


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## kitten1 (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi Bubster!! 

Welcome to FF. You have already found out that you are not alone. We have all been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!! (in some cases, shares in the NHS!!     )

Sending you some bubbles huni and a big 

Kisses,

Mandy xx


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## MAL. (Mar 19, 2007)

Hello,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I just wanted to say that there is always hope, we have been trying for 8 years and when we were offered IUI we explained that after so long we wanted to go for an option that has a small time scale (waiting for treatment) and most chance of success. She was lovely and put us straight onto the IVF waiting list which is 3-6 months, so depending on your PCT you might not have to wait as long as you think so it might be worth asking about it. 

You have come to the right place, you will find lots of advice and support on this website.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey


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## clove (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Bubstar

I have just joined FF today myself and I am also very nervous.  I am very sorry for your loss and hope that we can both find support from FF.  I am also going through the drama of having to see pregnant work colleagues and I have just finished my second lot of IVF which has failed and like you I find myself withdrawing and not wanting to see anyone.  I have not told many people and most of my family don't know as my parents are getting on a bit and I don't want to upset them when it doesn't work.  I know it is so difficult and maybe we can help each other when we feel down?

Take care.

Clove


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