# the hardest thing about adopting



## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

if you are going through it or have gone through it please can you tell me what you found the hardest parts?

DH and I are able to try IVF but have to wait until new year.  I can't bear waiting and I don't thikn it'll work anyway; I am very negative about the whole thing really and have alwasy felt deep down that we would end up adopting.

if we wait until new year it would probably be October 2010 we'd have to wait until we got on a prep course and it's just months and months of waiting; I feel the time is right NOW

I've done lots of research but should I be more cautious/worried about adoption?  I feel like ti's really something we'd be good at but ahve I got rosetinted glasses on?

any comments gratefully received
thanx Em


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

That is the hardest part in adopting, the waiting!  Some people wait months to get on a prep course, months to be allocated a SW, months to start the home study, months to be approved and then the real wait begins in waiting for your child......  We made our initial enquiry in Spring 2006 and wasn't approved until October 2007 and our DS didn't come home until December 2008 so lots of waiting. 

Making the decision to adopt was for me an easy one to make as I just knew it was what we were destined to do.  We did enquire in 2001 but decided to try IVF etc first, it wasn't that we didn't want to adopt but more that we felt the need to try for a biological child first.  I am so glad we did that and we're able to be at peace that we did try for our biological child.... I think otherwise i'd spend years wondering the what if's.

Best of Luck x


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

We found the waiting from the approval panel to being matched the hardest part of the process. All the waiting up until that point was with a purpose and had a time constraint, where as post approval it is just like a piece of string nobody knows who long it will take.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I have to say the waiting as well & in both the occasions of adopting our children we did not wait very long and I know there are people on here who have waited and still waiting so YES hardest bit about adopting is the wait!!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## emm-anj (Nov 11, 2008)

thanks for your replies

I have to say I was a bit shocked when I saw them I thougth I was going to get things like:

t


he hardest thing is seeing what some of the kids have had to go through beforey ou take them on
the hardest thing is they are older and you've missed out on so much of their growing up when you get them
the hardest thing is having a scary brith family who live nearby who still have little one's picture up on their ******** page
wondering if the child might not love you

stuff like that...

are these things i've mentioned above not the worst thing? and is the waiting really worse? because I thnk I can cope with the watiing it's all the other stuff I thkn I'll find hard
any other comments? thanks Em


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## liveinhope (Jan 8, 2008)

emm-anj you sound like you are in a similar position to us.  We are planning final ICSI cycle in early 2010 but deep down I'm not convinced it will work.  I have waited 9 months since last m/c so nearly on our way till we could apply for adoption anyway.  The way I am thinking of it is that if we dont try 1 last time for a birth child we will never know! If it is unsuccessful then we would take a break and be raring for adoption in 2011 - bring it on 

Keep in touch hun
xx


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

definately the waiting.. its torture !


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

the waiting is def very hard, as is being shown profiles and having to make decsisions on whether the child is right for you
however i think you are really asking about the actual parenting after the children have been placed?
for me personally the hardest thing has been to stop worrying all the time about whether behaviours are 'normal' or an 'adoption' issue such as an attachment difficulty..and i'm nursery nurse trained so have a lot of expereince with children! that might be the problem, that i know too much 

it sounds difficult to believe but in the whole process actually getting the children and having them in your life is often the easy bit! the run up to the placement is very stressful with meetings and sorting everything out, getting through matching panel and hoping that intros go ok but its also exciting so the adrenalin keeps you going! 
past that the first few months are  hard work and 'different' to what normal people experience when they give birth..you have to be there 100% of the time as you cant leave them with anyone and its very intense..for me the best points were about 6 months in when we found our rhythm as a family and really felt like the bond was growing

in answer to your questions..by the time we got to read childrens profiles I was kind of a bit immune to all the terrible scenarios..you  go over them all at prep groups and in books..it is sad to read but i didnt find it overwhelming..
i had our 2 pretty young so we dont have toooooo much time missing..and we have a fantastic record of their time in foster care and a billion photos so i feel like we have a lot of the gaps filled in. i do keep it in the back of my mind tho that certainly with DD we are missing 19 months of bonding time so i make sure we still do lots of things that i would have done with her as a baby..
i think in the early days i worried that they might not love us but they certainly do, its never been something that has dominated my thoughts..you just plough on doing everything you can in the hope that they will come to trust and then love you
I personally dont feel threatened by the Birth family but i know others do..ours know what the children look like as we send pics..we arent likely to bump into them (SS do try and place with a good distance between people) but if we did, what could happen? the children are ours, they cant snatch them back..the worst thing would be if they found out our address and stalked us but its unlikely!

hope that helps 

kj x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

keemjay said:


> however i think you are really asking about the actual parenting after the children have been placed?
> for me personally the hardest thing has been to stop worrying all the time about whether behaviours are 'normal' or an 'adoption' issue such as an attachment difficulty..and i'm nursery nurse trained so have a lot of expereince with children! that might be the problem, that i know too much
> kj x


My situation is a little different as C was already in placement as a foster child  So not much waiting, although had to be assessed, approved and matched and that took over a year.

I agree with KJ the thing for me is wondering where some behaviours are just what all little ones his age do or whether it is due to hos past experiences.

 with what you decide to do

x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

HI 

The waiting is definately hard, especially after approval hoping the phone is going to ring every day with possible news of your child(ren).  We didn't have competitive matching but that can be hard and adds extra stress.

As kj says, you do become immuned to details to an extent.  We had to turn a child down and that was extremely hard but the match wasn't right and you really do have to be honest about things with yourself and your SW.

Maybe dealing with the tantrums and the defiance of a 3yr old would be easier if I'd had the first 2 years of his live to bond with him but I have spoken to a number of birth mums and their feelings over similar situations have been the same as mine.  My DS was loved and cared for as best they could before going into FC but he had no routine and was more of a 'doll' to his young BM.  He is lucky in the fact there was no abuse, neglect etc.

Birth Family lives about 25miles away, we don't send photos because of ******** etc and I will not put a photo of my DS on any website as there is stuff in his BF that isn't pleasant and we need to be the ones to tell him.  We don't go to the area they live in or the closest city but thats the only real restrictions we have.

Does he love us?  YES.  I will always remember the first time he told me he loved me 
Do we love him? YES and it is still growing.  I don't always like his behaviour but I do love him.


TBH, by the time you get approved the most important thing is finding your family, the rest of it pales into the background until you find that match.  Then it can be quite stressful...meetings, intros etc but its also very exciting and the end result - your child(ren) - is so worth it.

Good luck whatever you decide to do first.  We spent years doing ivf, we looked into adoption in the middle of it all but weren't ready to move on.  We would be richer if we'd moved on then but we wouldn't have our DS or we would have had a very long wait for him but the main thing was we tried everything we wanted to and have no regrets.

OT x


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