# How do I help my partner?



## edroses (Aug 30, 2013)

My wife has been struggling to conceive for the last 3 years. She's already on her 2nd cycle of IVF. Some days she's just so down and I feel at a loss as to how to help. Normally she's the upbeat positive one, but when the IVF fails, she spirals into depression. She won't seek professional counselling. I'm at a loss as to how to speak to her. She just shuts me out. Please help!


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## RaMaher (Oct 22, 2013)

Hi Ed

Firstly - well done you for being considerate enough to think about what you can do to help her. 

I think the best thing you can do is listen to her when she is ready to talk and do what you can to ease the pressure whilst the cycle is on going.  

You said she is on her 2bd Cycle but not where in treatment she is.  

I am downregging at the moment and my husband has been brilliant - He has cooked dinner for me quite a lot and made sure that the house is tidy and clean so I don't have to worry about that when I get home from work.  That has really helped me.  

I know that my husband finds it really difficult to see me going through the injections and subsequent side effects so I do tend not to tell him too much about how I'm feeling because he feels guilty (we are having ICSi as he has a very low sperm count and poor motility)  that I am going through this.  It doesn't matter how many times I tell him I am ok and that I am doing this very willingly as having a baby with him is what I really want and I don't care what I have to do to make that happen, he does genuinely feel awful about what I have to do.  It could be that your wife finds it hard to talk to you as she doesn't want you to worry about her on top of the stress of the IVF.  

Random acts of kindness help - Run her a lovely bath with candles, bubbles and relaxing music.  make her favourite dinner and sit down with her to watch her favourite movie.  Most of all if she needs to, Let her cry.  Sometimes its all too much and a good cry really helps get it out of your system.  IVF is a huge burden on everyone involved and I think us women bear the physical brunt of it so sometimes we do need you men to be the strong ones.  

I hope your wife is ok and that you are too.  Do you have anyone you can talk to? I know men often feel left out of the process and don't know who to turn to.  You are allowed to feel down and scared too and maybe your wife needs to know how much this is all affecting you too.

Really hope you are ok 

L x


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## edroses (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks so much for responding! That's really good advice. It also helps just having someone listen.


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## Chickabooo (May 22, 2012)

Hi Ed,

I just wanted to add to that great advice above. I do the same after a failed cycle - get very down and shut my DP out, I can't help it. It pushes him further away when actually what I really want him to do is cuddle me and tell me it will all be OK in the end or next time.
The other thing that makes me happy is when I feel he puts as much effort into lifestyle factors as I do. That means not drinking alcohol and taking multivitamins and Omega 3 fish oils and eating lots of veg and fruit. That makes me feel supported. If you are not taking vitamins at the moment maybe you could suggest that to your wife? 
We all get there in the end it's just we are on a journey. Good luck.

C x


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi, 
One thing that strikes me about your post is that you write "my wife has been struggling  to concieve and She's on her second cycle"  rather than " we". It rather makes it sound like her issue and not yours as a couple. Is this how you view it? Did you go into the process willingly?  
I hope this doesnt sound judgemental as you are obviously someone who cares a lot to ask for help but I just thought I would say it as when we have gone through cycles it has been very much a joint thing. My Dh has always done all my jabs and sorted medication etc, which has removed stress for me but also made him more part of it all. In some ways although the whole process is stressful and horrible when it doesnt work it has always been a very intense couply time for us. 
I'd second the thing about being on board with lifestyle changes too, even if you dont have any issues.  
Good luck Livity


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