# Ex-husband reference



## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Hi girls

As part of the process, I was told they would contact my 2 ex-husbands for a reference. As we'd lived together it's more about getting their opinion on whether I'd ever hurt a child, etc. 

I have spoken to either of them since we parted and it wasn't exacly on good terms.

Apparently it's just a basic reference but I was wondering if anyone knew what kind of things they get asked. I am going to contact them and give them a heads up.


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## .45074 (Dec 17, 2009)

Hi Time2bmom

I don't know the answer I'm afraid but... I do know that there are quite a few posts about references, including ex partners if you search through the past threads and posts in this section so you might be able to find the answer there x


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi time2bemom!

Cant really help with specifics on the form but believe that the questions are along the lines of, has there ever been any violence in the relationship, has there been any abuse in the relationship, can you comment on their parenting capacity, have you any concerns with them parenting an adopted child... I think... Am sure sw said there was only about 6 questions for the ex partner to answer, also that they do not want to know the details of the relationship or why it ended unless it could affect your adoption.

My dh had also been married before myself, and had 2 relationships classed as long term so sw made contact with all of them, fortunately all refs were fairly positive. SW's know not all relationships finish amicably, and the fact that the relationship ended means that one or both parties were hurt at the time, its their job to see through maliciousness.

We also gave DH's exs a heads up before sw made contact, didnt want to spring this on them.

Hope this helps MIM


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Thanks girls
Doesn't sound too bad. I only have an address from 10 years ago for my first and doubt they'll find him but my last husband I've just sent a message to pre-warn him and we'll see what he says. We haven't spoken in nearly 2 years! Crazy.. who knows maybe this will make things a bit better between us so we can actually spend time with mutual friends! I've missed so many birthdays because he was there and our friends felt uncomfortable! Anyway.. having read other posts about it, it sounds like the SWs understand they may get some interesting things returned given that a break-up is usually hardest on one of you.


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Turns out my ex, after 2 years, is still very angry about our marriage ending and he has confirmed that he intends to give me a "character" reference which tells them exactly what he thinks of me


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## Guest (Mar 11, 2012)

Hi

I am going through the same at the moment, apart from I cant find my ex husband so having to trace through his family.  I know for a fact he will have a good old rant about me, but the SW's have heard it all before and I asked my SW about it and she said they are not interested about the break up etc, just purely to make sure there are no child protection issues.  My ex husband had 3 children which I parented with him when he had access so they want to ensure I wasnt a danger

I know its going to be a nightmare for me as even though my ex left me for my friend I still had to divorce him without any contact so this is going to be a long winded process.  But at the end of the day, if he declares I was a danger to his children (which I wasnt but he is bitter about the financial stuff when we split) he will try everything he can to hurt me, but like I say if he dares to say I was an issue then i will take him to court for slander - and then I dont think they will pursue it!! fight it and stay strong - its tough but keep going!  They are ex's for a reason!!!


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi
I was really worried that my ex husband had to give a character reference for me and had to go to quite some lengths to locate him. He actually came good for me and wrote a really nice reference. In a strange kind of way it helped heal a few things for me.
I would definately give your x a warning if you can. The questions my ex had to answer were pretty straight forward and just about my character and personality. 
S/w's have seen and heard it all but fingers crossed your ex can be grown-up about all this and do the decent thing ....

Good luck on your journey - it is worth all the hassle and all the waiting!

Love crusoe
xx


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## Omelette (Nov 28, 2007)

Hi

What is classed as a long term relationship? At our initial meeting my husband's ex-wife of over 20 years came up but they did not ask me any further questions when I said I had not been married before. I did have a 4-5 yr relationship though and lived with a guy for 1-2 years. This all ended over 10 years ago and no contact since. I'm sure he'd be ok answering a few questions if it came to it but he's probably settled with wife and kids of his own somewhere  now and wouldn't want a blast from the past surging back if it's not necessary, it doesn't seem somehow fair.


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

They just told me they would want to get a basic reference from anyone that I'd lived with.
I have no idea what he's going to say and I don't really care tbh. Unless he blatantly lies which will be found out straight away, there's nothing he can say that isn't going to make him sound like a bitter man so.. let him do his worst. It's his arrogance that makes him think his "opinion" on my "character" matters to this and it's dredged up so much bad feeling.. I almost wish I hadn't forewarned him at all!

What will be will be..


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

time2bmom,

I'm so sorry your ex is causing you so much worry   
Myself and DH were both married before (no children involved) so I know how you feel re/SS contacting your ex.
Our SW made the point right from the start (before our ex's were even contacted) that they appreciate ex's are ex's for a reason, and everything thing they say will be taken with a pinch of salt. 

The very nature of sw's work means that they are used to dealing with very heightened and often negative emotions and so they'll totally be able to see through anything your ex says just out of nastiness. As you said, they will just see it as his bitterness and they will take from it only what they need.

When it comes down to it, although he is threatening to say X, Y & Z, will he actually?
No one wants their lives scrutinised by SS unnecessarily and I'm sure he'll realise that saying really nasty things may result in them digging further into his business!  
Hopefully it may all just be 'hot air' and threats.

It is a very basic reference and unless he has any evidence that he knows any reason why you could pose a threat to children I doubt they would take any general *****ing seriously.
One of the main reasons ex's are contacted is not only to reference you but to judge their state of mind to try to ascertain whether they would be a threat to your future children out of bitterness towards you.
Anything he says that comes across that way would be reflection on him, not you, and I'm sure in the worst case scenario if further investigation is required he'll back down when he realises that fact!

I hope it all works out fine in the end. I know from hearing of problems in this area from friends who've adopted that it normally does.
To threaten to say horrible things and then to actually write them on an official document to SS are 2 very different matters.      

Lots of luck Anj x


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Thanks A and everyone!
Made me feel a lot better about it. And you're right, unless he actually lies any '*****ing' is going to be more a reflection on him than anything. 
Guess we'll just have to see. Not much else I can do anyway.


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