# Reaching for Hope



## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Apologies for the long post. It's been a while since I've been on here, but I wrote this down following our call from the embryologist yesterday since I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. At the moment we are waiting to hear back from the embryologist to see if we still have a chance with this round of IVF. Keeping everything very tightly crossed.



Just over four and a half years ago I was sat having a conversation with a friend I was reunited with as a result of a conversation on ********.

We were in the same circle of friends when we had both lived in the south and lost touch after I moved north. We hadn’t been particularly close in the past, but we had each just moved house and I had thrown out an invitation along the lines of “you’re welcome to visit any time” which she called in at the first opportunity.

During the course of one of the most comfortable and enjoyable conversations of my life, it quickly became clear that we shared the same values and hopes for the future – we both valued our families and wanted to become parents some day. I have never told her this, but over the course of that conversation I began to see her not just as a friend but as someone I would be quite happy sharing my life with. At the time we were getting to know each other and didn’t even contemplate how difficult it might be for us to fulfil our desire to have children.

We became a couple soon after that conversation and I proposed at Christmas that year. She said yes and we started planning our future together. Six months later she moved in with me, bringing her 4 cats (“the girls” – remember that, you’ll need it later) with her and we continued with our wedding preparations.

As our wedding day approached we looked forward to the time when we would be joined in matrimony and expected that a family would follow soon after.  Our wedding was one of the best days of my life so far, and just before our first Christmas as man and wife we adopted a dog – another girl to add to our family.

In the months that followed, we were unsuccessful in our attempts to conceive. We accepted that it could take time (after all there were a lot of things that needed to happen at the right time) but expected it to happen eventually.

After a year of trying, we sought help from our doctors and were referred to a fertility clinic. Following a number of tests (mainly on my wife – I just had to give a sample), the conclusion was that there wasn’t a reason for our infertility, but that since my wife’s egg reserve was low then it would be best to move to IVF as soon as possible.

In order to give us a chance to conceive naturally whilst my wife lost the weight required to receive NHS funding for IVF, she was prescribed with Clomid, a drug which regulated her cycle for three months. That gave us three months when we knew for certain when she would be ovulating and so could plan accordingly. Unfortunately it was not to be the case.

About a year after our first appointment at the fertility clinic we were given the go ahead to start IVF. Agonisingly, that start was delayed further due to my wife needing some separate investigations into her heart and lungs, all of which thankfully came back clear.

With the time we had to think about what would happen, we discussed baby names. Having grown up with two sisters and been surrounded by females at home (my wife and our 5 furry girls), I became convinced that we would have a girl. Although we disagreed on names for boys, we came to an agreement on our first born daughter’s name – given the journey we were following, we decided that she could only be called Hope.

We went into Christmas last year knowing that after two and a half years of waiting, we would be undergoing egg retrieval and embryo transfer in the new year. We felt that this would be our year, this was the year we would have our baby, this was the year we would meet Hope.

My wife had to endure mood swings, nausea and pain (by injection and otherwise) whilst her ovaries were being stimulated and the maturation of the eggs was triggered, then came the first big day – the extraction.

The egg retrieval was yesterday. Having had some scans prior to retrieval, we were hopeful of enough eggs to provide an embryo for implantation and some others for freezing (or “plan B”, if needed). We were delighted, therefore, that we had 7 eggs – even if only half of them were to be fertilised then we would have 3 or 4 chances to have our Hope realised. Now it was just a case of waiting for the call to confirm when we would have the embryo transferred.

The call came this morning. Only one of the eggs was fertilised (apparently the eggs and sperm samples were fine, but it seemed they did not “talk to each other”) and there was uncertainty over whether that one would be viable. Devastating news – we had no plan B, and our plan A was looking shaky and Hope was fading.

We now have no choice but to wait to find out whether we will have any embryos to transfer in two days time. If we do, then we will be delighted and will be hopeful once more. We know that even then there would be no guarantees that we will have a baby, but it gets us a bit closer.

Through this all, we have been through every emotion possible – from joy to anguish and hope to despair. Seeing my wife having to cope with those emotions has been heartbreaking. There is nothing I can do to ensure that we can have our baby and it hurts so much. Whilst we still have a chance I still have hope, but it is getting harder and harder to remain positive.
If the worst comes to the worst I know we are strong enough to get through this. We do not need to have a baby to be happy, but it would be a big plus.


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

It turns out we have a fighter.

We have an appointment to transfer the embryo tomorrow morning. All of a sudden we have hope again.

I don't think I truly realised how much I want to be a dad until that possibility was almost taken away from me.

I know that there is no certainty that we will be holding our baby in our arms in 9 months time, but as long as we have that chance, no matter how slight, I will keep hoping and keep praying that our embryo can continue its fight.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Andy,

I truly hope the transfer goes well tomorrow for you and your wife, & understand what it's like to invest so much into that treasured little ball of cells! 

B xxx


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## wing and a prayer (Oct 6, 2012)

Hi Andycapp

Good luck for tomorrow     We are in a similar time frame to you.  We were expecting ET today but they called this morning to say they are going to blast so thats saturday.  Our diagnosis was a bit different.  Im "fine" but my DH has azoospermia caused by a large vein in his testicle.  He basically has no sperm in a sample and he had to have surgery at the same time as my EC to find sperm.  Thankfully they did fine some.  I had 19 eggs injected and although only 5 fertilised I was told today all five were doing well.  So I totally understand how you are feeling.  The waiting is awful. You jump one hurdle and their is another straight away.  We were all psyched up for today now we have to wait another 2 days but the wait should be worth it if it means the embies are stronger and the right one gets put back but there is also the awful worry that they will not survive up to that point. 

Hoping that you little embie continues the good fight and that ET goes well tomorrow for you both     

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

we only had 6 eggs and only 3 were mature - only 1 fertilized. We didn't even know until we got to the clinic on transfer day whether our we had an embryo to transfer. As it was I had a 2 day transfer of our only embryo and he's a bouncing 2 year old now - it only takes one! Don't give up


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Hi Andy
Your initial post really touched me   and I was delighted to read that you have made it to transfer. I hope all goes well for that and that your wife has a real fighter on board soon.
I think the support and empathy you have shown towards your wife in your original post is lovely.  I know deep down my dh gets most of what I am feeling but you have expressed it so well.
I think this will carry you and your wife through.  Please god this cycle will work but, if not, you sound strong and being there for your wife, as you so clearly are, will carry you through.  You must hold on to Hope! But must of all you must realise that,even tho you want it all alright and make your and your wife's dreams come true, sadly that isn't within your gift.  My dh is the same.  He wants to fix everything and for most things in our lives he can do that, but not this, not the BFP and the healthy take home baby.
So don't be too hard on yourself, be there for your wife, the next two weeks will be tough so lots of TTC and cuddles, that'll mean the world to your wife I'm sure.
DE x


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for your support!

We are feeling pretty optimistic now we know we've got a shot at it. It came as a big shock that we only had one fertilised - we had prepared ourselves for things not working out further down the line but hadn't contemplated the possibility that our eggs and sperm wouldn't work together.

We've now got renewed hope as we know that in a dish somewhere is a piece of me and a piece of my wife, giving us a chance, however small to extend our family. Until we are told otherwise we shall look forward to bringing a new life into this world .


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

So this morning we got up ready to go in for our ET and my wife got a call from the embryologist.

After the news we had earlier in the week we were half expecting our lone embryo to no longer be viable and for the ET to be cancelled. Imagine our surprise and sheer delight when we were told that instead of one embryo being transferred we would have two!

When we had received the call earlier in the week, there had been two eggs fertilised, but for one of them they could only identify one set of DNA, so they decided that it was not viable. Over the course of the last few days, that embryo has fought its way through to actually be a better quality embryo (a 2.5) than the one which we had been pinning our hopes on (which apparently went from a 1 to a 3). We were very fortunate to have had our embryos placed into an embryoscope, which tracked their development by taking regular photos. If they had not been in there then we would have only had one to transfer.

We are now cautiously optimistic about our chances of having a baby - now we play (another!) waiting game.


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Andy
I was just logging on to send you a quick post to see how you got on and what wonderful news to find posted!
You have two real fighters on board then and as you say it shows what this new technology can do.
 to you both and congrats on being PUPO.
I know another waiting game now begins but you've got to think of it in stages.  You are where you need to be today.
Take care and lots of   to you and your DW.
DE x


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks DE. I will keep you all posted!


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Just popping by to send lots of luck to you, your wife and your little embies   

Dory
xxx


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

That's great news, best of luck for the 2ww! I don't think any embryo is worth giving up on as some that aren't looking good in the dish can do a lot better once they are in the body.

I will keep my fingers crossed it brings a BFP!

B xxx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Today we are 6 days post transfer,  as I understand it,  the earliest we could see a positive test.
We are both really anxious about the 2ww so have agreed that my wife will do a test this morning.  I want more than anything for us to get two line - to finally be pregnant after two and a half years would be the best feeling. 

Please keep everything crossed for us.


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Test done.  It's a no for now. Still time for it to become a yes though.
We had two fighters so here's hoping that they keep fighting a bit longer.


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Andy
You transferred on 17th right? I think it was a 2 day transfer? And now you are 6 days post transfer. I think that is extremely early, even by the early testing standards of some people  , to get a BFP.  I'd definitely wait another few days.  When I have done transfer, usually 5 day transfers my clinic say wait 12 days but I know u can test around 10 days and get something pretty accurate.  If you're only 6 days post a two day transfer then I reckon you'd need to wait another week!!!
DE x


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

We had read elsewhere that you shouldn't test any earlier than 6 days after a 3 day transfer but that positive results could show up at that point.  Regardless of the results of any home tests we are keeping our fingers tightly crossed for a positive when we go to the hospital next Friday.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Andy

I agree with DE43 it's way too early.  I tested on my test day which was 13 days past a 5dt and my second line was so feint I went out to get a digital just to make sure.  I tested a week later and 2 very dark lines appeared.

Dory
xxx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for this DE43 and Dory10 - it keeps my Hope going for a bit longer.

We shall wait until nearer our appointment and keep our fingers crossed!


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi Andy


I found this site useful in my 2ww, it tells you what % of people would get a true result at every different dpo 

The results should help keep you positive

Lilly


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/pregnancy-test/dpo-chart.php?dpo=8

Link might help 

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks Lily - really helpful.  We still have Hope. PUPA!


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Your first post made me cry, how lovely and what a rollercoaster you've been on.  The earliest i got a v faint BFP was 7dp 3dt and that was when I was carrying twins - keeping everything crossed for you.  

Keep in mind that this is a long game, if it doesnt work this time your clinic will have a better idea of what to do next time, ICSI for example.  You will acheive your dream - keep the faith xx


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## Vixxx (May 3, 2009)

Just wanted to echo what the others have said.  It is really too early to test, and even much closer to OTD you can't be sure.  As an extreme example - I tested on my OTD and got a negative then tested the following day and got a positive - and I was pregnant with twins!  

Very best of luck to you both.  I really hope it works for you this time.


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

We have tested again today.  Still negative.  I know we still have time until our test at the hospital and that there is a strong chance earlier tests will show up negative even if we are pregnant, but that doesn't stop me fearing the worst.

I don't know what I will do if we are unsuccessful.  I don't know how I will react and, most importantly of all, I really have no idea how I will be able to support my wife. For the last few months the chance of getting pregnant is what she has been living for. If we don't get a positive I am afraid it will break her heart. I know I need to stay strong for her, but it is really hard.

We have been fortunate enough to have been given this opportunity courtesy of the NHS, but it is the one and only chance we will get from them since our CCG only provides funding for one full round of IVF plus four FETs. We could afford another round with ICSI if we went into debt on credit cards but that doesn't seem like a sensible way to start life with a new baby, so for now this is our only chance.  All or nothing.  All in on one spin of the wheel.

Still holding out for Hope, but it is becoming more and more difficult.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Andy  it is still early and there is always hope  .  You will get through this whatever the outcome because as a couple you are strong and love and care from each other.  Infertility, treatment and negative outcomes are so heartbreaking, you might feel that you won't be able to cope but we amaze ourselves with what we cope with when we are certain we wont.  I completely understand your fears and the postcode lottery that is the NHS with regards to IVF - we too were lucky to have one funded cycle but are now facing our second that we will have to fund - everyone should be entitled to 3 cycles, I keep reminding myself that we were fortunate enough to get one funded cycle as lots of couples don't.

Take each day at a time, keeping everything crossed for you.

Dory
xxx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Just under 36 hours until our pregnancy test at the hospital.

Home tests have all been BFNs, so we are expecting nothing different on Friday morning. Kind of coming to terms with the inevitable now, whilst still keeping a modicum of hope.


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Andy
I'll be thinking of you and DW tomorrow  
DE x


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Hope you have the strength to carry on if you don't get the result you want this game is such a lottery xx


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## catie_s (Jul 24, 2011)

Dont give up hope! On my second ICSI I tested negative on the morning of OTD and went for my blood test in tears. I told the lab to call my husband as I didnt want to get all upset again at work by hearing it was a negative. To my amazement, DH called me at lunchtime to say the lab results were positive and I was pregnant!!! That ICSI gave us my 18 month old daughter.
 for good news for you. Try to stay   xxxxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Fingers crossed for you tomorrow  

Dory
xxx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for your wishes everyone - I will let you know the result tomorrow.


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

We have returned from the hospital.  Hope is gone for now. BFN


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

it's not the end it's just the beginning xx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Sorry it was negative - Don't give up, it's not you're final destination just a bloody annoying detour.

Take care of yourselves

Dory
xxx


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

I am so sorry Andy for you and your DW.  It's hard when you put everything into a cycle to understand why it didnt work.  Take some time now to be kind to yourselves and I have no doubt you'll be back again for another go when you're ready.

DE x


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm so sorry Andy  

I hope that you'll one day be able to find the money and the strength to continue your journey. Look after each other,

B xxx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks ladies.

We've just come back from a lovely weekend away - we figured we could use it whether the news on Friday was bad or good.

Feeling v refreshed and chilled and have had a chance to reflect on it all.

We have our review appointment in about 4 weeks s are going to give some thought as to all of the options before choosing our next steps. I think we would make fantastic parents!


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Andy

Sounds like the weekend away did you both good 

Before your review appointment you should write out all the questions you want to ask at it. Have you seen agates learning from your failed cycle thread? It might help you think about what to ask.

Here is the link :
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=283000.0

DE x


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## catie_s (Jul 24, 2011)

so sorry you didnt get the result we were all hoping for. Our first cycle ended in a BFN and we were crushed. We also went away for a holiday together and thought things through and out next cycle gave us our daughter. I really hope you get some answers at your review appointment and that there are lots of happy times ahead - I think you have a fantastic, positive attitude and that is so important on this journey - wishing you lots of luck and


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hope you still read this, definately not the end just a tougher climb than you thought! I think you would make fantastic parents too


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks Blondie71, catie_s and DE43.

We have our review appointment on Monday, and that will mark the conclusion of our IVF journey.

We have made the decision that, although we could afford to fund ICSI privately, we won't be pursuing another cycle. 

Instead, we have decided that we will try to add to our family through adoption. We made initial enquiries with our LA and they have asked us to wait until December to apply to start the process. We understand their reasons and are looking forward to spend the rest of this year being together.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Andy - Hope that your review appointment goes ok and am glad that you've both decided on your next steps.  I think having a plan gives you a focus and makes everything seem a bit easier to deal with.  Just wanted to wish you lots of luck on your adoption journey and hope you find lots of lovely things to do between now and December as a couple.


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## catie_s (Jul 24, 2011)

Good Luck Andy!
Wishing you and your wife all the very best on the next stage of your journey x


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Oh Andy
I am so pleased you have made this decision.  What a lovely selfless thing to do.  My friend did it recently and the little girl they adopted is the light of their lives.  She was just meant to be with them and all the previous IVFs they had are a dim and distant memory.
Good luck to you and your DW.
De x


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## dhneil (Mar 28, 2005)

Andy

I'm sorry to hear your IVF journey hasn't worked out for you and your wife.

I hope the adoption process is a smoother journey and you get the family you long for.

All the best

Neil


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Andy did you get any answers at your consultation? xx


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

jules

Apologies for the very delayed response!

At the review appointment they said that everything had pretty much gone to plan up to fertilisation, at which point the eggs and sperm didn't talk to each other properly so not as many fertilised as they'd want. If we were to go through IVF again (and we did think about it, albeit briefly), they would increase the dose of the stimulation drugs, use ICSI, and recommend using the embryoscope again, in order to increase the chances of getting good quality fertilised embryos for reinsertion.

As I say, we did think about it, but decided that the increased chance not being a guarantee meant that it was not financially viable to go through it all and then adopt if it didn't work.

We're both pretty settled on adoption, although I do still well up when I listen to Michael Buble's "Just haven't met you yet", and get a lump in my throat when I see other people's babies.

We tried to apply for adoption straight away, but were told that we needed to wait until December so that there was enough time post failed IVF. We might try again before that, but in the meantime we're enjoying the time we have just the two of us and our animals, and getting the house how we want it.


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Hi Andy 

I so admire you and your dw.  I think deciding to go down the adoption route is a very brave and selfless thing to do.  You sound like you have it all sussed out, a nice wee break from all things baby related before you embark on the adoption route.  Get the house in order and maybe sneak in a wee holiday if you can afford it.  We're very glad to be where we are now but wish we'd had a wee sun holiday before this last cycle, coz it could be 21 years before we can afford another one 

I know the adoption route takes time too but at least as you said in a previous post, there are no guarantees with ivf and at least with adoption you will get a baby/child.  Are you watching the programmes on tv at the moment about adoption? It would break your heart and has made me think about doing it.  Obviously as I'm pg with triplets I dont mean right away, lol, but maybe at some point.

Good luck with the next phase of your journey towards parenthood.

De x


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Andy

Thank you for your reply was just wondering how you were coping. Please take time to consider all your options and look after yourselves, personally I'd roll the dice one more time as you have the extra ammunition of lessons learnt but everyone is different.  I love that song too and it will have a different meaning now. It has been second time lucky for us twice now but everyone has different beliefs and limits so all I'll say is I'm sending you some of our good fortune and as much baby dust as I can muster. 

Take care. 

J

Ps also watched those programs and was in floods of tears xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Andy. Hi just wanted to pop on and mention there is adoption section on here. Lots of advice and knowledge. 
Good luck.x x


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