# Controlling behaviour or genuine distress...?



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi All,


LO is 16.5 months and still relatively new in placement (first few months in), we are having the below behaviours and I would welcome opinions on whether there is something else going on as my instinct is saying something very different to what I have read and would have expected.


LO can have huge tantrums and when first home and at FCs these tended to be over similar things - ie food is a big issue for him and when finished or didn't get something he would go ape. Couldn't be soothed and even hit head on floor repeatedly.  Since being home we have worked around these and put boundaries in place with our routines that have decreased these substantially and I hope making him feel safe. We still have some but we are ok in helping him get through these I.e. revert to use of dummy if he won't let us soothe, distract with something fun or revert back to part of our daily routine I.e. bring something forward by 15/30 mins.


Today brought home that I think he is using the tantrums to control and they are not always coming from distress as he can switch off at drop of hat when he wants eg today he started having a strop when out in pram. We had been out to pick up bread and milk and been out for about 70mins and he started to go into one.  Sounded very distressed and upset so I stopped, encouraged dummy to help him and stroked his face (he is now more accepting of touch to help him). When I touched him he settled and was rather sleepy as he can be at that time if the day and as soon as I went back to pushing and stopped touching his face -veins bulging, screaming and tears and snot again. We carried on like this for best part of 30mins and then I called DH to pick us up as he was in house and we weren't far. As soon as I lifted him from pram he was smiling and saying hiya(his way of interacting). I've never got DH to pick us up before but I did take him out pram last time he did this as I believed it was coming from needing to be close etc. however my gut is saying he is just looking to control when he wants something and decided he'd had enough of being in pram. He's getting a bit too big to be carrying him and try and push pram safely along a busy road.


Anyone went through this with their LOs? Any ideas on how I know if its just control (which I am giving him lots in other ways) and how I make him feel safe. I have also ordered a sling and need o practice with it and him as I'm not sure he will take to it but can't have him screaming blue murder when out for a walk if we have no way of getting home and feel uncomfortable about letting him scream it out as he does appear very distressed.


He also displays behaviours that would be for an older child and has surprised our SW in him doing these and is physically behind his peers so we know he has a lot of frustration as well as anger. Otherwise he is a delight but the red mist descends so suddenly and disappears so quickly too it is unnerving.


Thanks for staying with me as I think I may have rambled a bit
G xox


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Gertie

It sounds like you're still settling into things and still learning about each other maybe   

At that age the tantrums can come and go as quick as anything and over seemingly nothing....

If it were me, I would look beyond thinking of his behaviour as a 'want' and perhaps think of it as a 'need', his whole world will have been tipped upside down and he will still be very fragile, so the slightest upset will cause his chaotic behaviour.  Wherever possible, if he allows, comfort him, whether out and about or at home, he needs to know that whatever the reason, you are there for him.    Yes there are times where you can't always carry him, but by having something else to sooth with (my 2 have blankies) then that could help him in the pushchair, while you're dashing home etc. 

Good luck


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I agree with Wynn, its too early into placement to think of his behaviour as showing anything other than a 'need'.  The bond and trust still need to be built and that will only happen by showing him you are there no matter what.  It can be exhausting but the intense parenting really needs to be done in the first year to help with the attachment and trust.  

Are there any triggers you can spot?  Is he facing you or the world when out in the pram?  There are pros and cons to both and some children are happier with one than the other.  

Things will get easier.

OT x


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Sounds like your doing really well. I'm sure it drives you mad but its a really good sign that he's asking for reassurance(screaming) and then is soothed by what you're doing. Every time that happens its building his bond with you.
All the brain development research stuff suggests this is exactly what he needs.  

Of course no one could respond lovingly and patiently 100%.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Thanks guys

No trigger that I can find at all. I'm using a parent facing buggy but can switch it. He seems to enjoy it as we do songs a d games but maybe can only do for upto an hour this way. Ill try switching him before melting point nx time and take it from there. I cope better when I can see a logical reason (from his view point) but I'm looking at the positives net now that he is calming when being held and can bring him back although he's sti prone to biting and scratching me badly when in full flow (I seem to get it much worse than DH).

It's still so early for him and the progress he's made is amazing I'm just over analysing everything at the min.

Thx again x


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi,

Just a little thought - an hour to be in his pushchair is quite a long time, could you plan breaks into your journeys where lo can get out and stretch his legs? This might help reduce the tantrums. 

My two cannot manage more than an hour tops before they are bored and figity regardless of toys, songs, snacks etc.

Just a thought... Hope things get better for you


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

My LO was 15 months on placement and been home 5 months now. In the early days he often had a screaming fit for what seemed like no apparent reason. He would be very distressed and hard to calm him down. I used to find it very distressing seeing him like that. Depending on where we were I would use various tactics to calm him. Tried to stay calm and talking to him in a calm and empathetic way. He used to push me away if I tried holding him so instead just stroked his back or face. The other thing that worked well was wrapping him in a soft blanket or if my husband was about lying him in the blanket and we held each end of it and rocked him in the blanket which he loved. Anyway as time has gone on and lo has settled more and more he has had less and less of these episodes. They are tough to deal with but sounds like you are doing great and really positive that lo responds to being held and having cheek stroked.


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## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

Gertie,

I don't have my own kids. However, I felt like I had to respond as I can sympathise with your LO. I get exactly like this when my OH is clothes shopping. I have so much patience, but once it runs out, there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so overwhelmed and bored at the same time. If I was a toddler in a pram, I would certainly scream.

I agree with some of the other posts, that the 60 / 70min might be LOs limit of what we can cope with, it might be a good idea to try giving him a break by taking him out after 40 min or so. And I think its great that you can comfort him so quickly when he is upset.

Best of luck!


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