# out of sorts



## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Not sure why I'm posting this but just want to vent so bear with me please.   Don't know whats matter with me lately, but I am just so down and very angry   think Victor Meldrew on a bad day. Over the years I have had the odd wobbly moments, but mostly I have a very happy life.  But just these past few weeks everything seems to be getting to me.  Stupid things really...... like my SIL giving me a lovely photo of my nephew and niece, invite to my best mates daughters 16 bucks fizz brunch party.  Baking cakes with my god daughter, and arranging panto tickets for my nephew.

All these things just seem to remind me that I will never do any of these things with my own child.   I'm really feeling sorry for myself and find myself bursting into tears for no real reason usually at really in opportune moments like in toilets at work, or the shame of it..Tesco.  Have you tried pushing a trolley full of shopping, whilst discreetly tying to mop your tears. Luckily due to famous British reserve everyone pretends they haven't noticed the mad woman blubbing near the frozen veg. 
I'm also very short tempered and seem to be having a go at everyone near to me.  I am hell to live with at the minute.  This is so unlike me, I'm usually quite a happy go lucky type . Not sure if its my hormones, jeez  don't say I have hot flushes to look forward to as well.    Anyone else experienced this right out of the blue? Do you think I could be going through early menopause?


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jane, 

I have no cure all response for you, but I do know it won't always be this way. Clouds eventually pass over. I'm sure that doesn't help you much now, but I just wanted you to know that there is always someone here reading and responding and caring. 

Take care of you, 

Leoarna x


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh Janeo1 - I was nodding my head in recognition of everything you described in your post, I too have gone through more episodes of feeling out of sorts, angry, tearful in Tesco (!!!) than I can now remember. Like you this is soooo far removed from the normal me and at its worst times I have wondered if it is very bad PMS or even mild depression. 

I started keeping a mood diary and for me I discovered these phases did seem to be on a cycle and pretty much in tune with time of the months which was helpful to know. Some months I can 'got' as I call it for a whole three weeks out of the four of my cycle, and other times I get two weeks respite in between. Acknowledging my moods have been predominately hormone induced has helped me feel lass insane about it all and I am currently trying various herbal and vitamin supplements to see if these can dampen these wobbly times a bit more.

I think the whole getting near Christmas is also likely to bring on large dollops of wobbliness for us all at the mo, it is such a marker of where we are in life, a time centred totally on family and with lots of time for reflection which for many of us is very painful. For me this Christmas marks a painful reminder of the previous one whereby we were still in the tx world and were about to embark on IUI and DH and I were still full of unwavering hope. 

Our loss of fertility and dealing with being childless is a bereavement and acknowledging it as such has helped me be a bit less hard and myself and to allow myself to cry in front of others. It also helps explain why we as previously happy go lucky women may now experience a huge spectrum of uncharacteristic emotions all in line with those of other types of bereavement, so you are not going crazy just working through the tough road of loss and we are all here with you x. 

So be gentle to yourself, know you are sooooo not alone, and I find coming on here on my bad days is such a wonderful pick me up. 

HUGE HUGS TO YOU 

Love
Hippy
xxxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Jane

I just want to reiterate what the other lovely ladies have said about you not being on your own...

I honestly believe its to do with the time of year as well - and with you having so much else going on regarding organising or being part of other peoples childrens milestone events etc - its bound to take a toll on you in every way - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The hormonal factor could well have a part to play in how you are feeling too.... which makes me think ugh - its 'great' being a woman sometimes isn't it - NOT!

Go easy on yourself hon, its horrible feeling so sad about everything, but rest assured you are not on your own... have been there myself countless times and know there isn't a great deal you can do if you feel like blubbing - stuff whatever anyone else thinks if they see you upset by the way! Its often better to be able to ride with your emotions and let out that grief than hold it in I reckon hon...

Sending you a massively gentle (((hug)))

and lots of love xxxxx

Emcee xxxx


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Jane,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this hun.  I recognise those feelings sooooo well, please know, as the lovely Emcee, Hippy and Leoarna say, you are not alone in this.

And no, I don't think you're going through early menapause!  I think you're experiencing completely understandable, normal emotions of grief and anger so please don't be too hard on yourself.  I'm sure we have all felt like this at one time (sometimes many!) or another.

When you mentioned feeling angry about receiving a photo of your niece and nephew, I can empathise ....... I was horrified with myself after I ripped up a photo a friend had sent me of her baby boy and proceeded to fling it in the fire!!  OOPS!!    So I can totally empathise with the anger.  Sometimes, for me, this translated into extreme jealousy, bitterness and constant anger.  I'd be constantly angry with everyone although I noticed it happened more when I was on my own??  If I was in the car, I'd get horrendous road rage, if I was out in the street, I HATED women with bumps/prams and like you, I began to question myself, really looking deeply into myself to ask myself why I was so angry all the time.  I found myself ramming my shopping trolley up people's ankles in the supermarket, I was so impatient with everyone!!  I didn't like the person I'd become......  

So hun, please don't beat yourself up.  There is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this unfortunately.  I think as the girls say, just let yourself "go" with your emotions.  Try not to dwell on them or question "why" you're feeling like this too much.  I think too, this time of year is always harder, let's face it, the bl**dy weather's hard enough to deal with never mind all the Christmas happy family hype!

I really hope you can allow yourself to experience these emotions without feeling guilty.  It's all part of the process I'm afraid ..... 

And, I hope even more, this really low patch lifts soon for you pet.
All my love, we are all thinking of you
Gill xo


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Jane
I can totally empathise with you at the moment. Infact what you had written also echoed my feelings as well along with Hippy...
I don't know what it is but i feel so angry at the moment also and losing it all the time. The thing that i feel is redundant!! The feeling of being left out and not enjoying what seems such a natural occurance in most peoples life. I am not sure if it just rears its ugly head every now and again, but it doesn;t help with the forthcoming month...
I was talking to my friend today about Christmas and about dismissing it. I dismiss it because in my mind it relates to children. So i will do everything to try and avoid it, like working etc....its about getting my head around enjoying things with what i have in my life. But the hurt and sadness takes over and i am sure the anger is all to do with the pain and hurt that we feel...
So Jane i totally understand and i think its normal...but its also a horrible feeling as well!!
love astridxx


----------



## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Thank you ladies, as usual you have all given wise words of wisdom and support.  I feel so much better, everything you have said makes sense.  I never really thought about Christmas having an impact....but your so right.  I believe this is probably what has triggered my recent glumfest, that combined with my hormones.  Hippys suggestion of keeping a mood diary is a good one.  I'm going to take your advice and start keeping one, just to see what patterns emerge.

Thanks so much for all your kind words, it makes me feel better just to know that I am normal and not a total fruitcake . Just gonna ride with it, after all I really don't seem to be able to control it anyway so might as well stop worrying about it. Off out to buy myself something nice today.........stuff Christmas shopping!

Bah humbug Jane
x


----------



## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

I am new to this and I hope I get it right. So you are appropriately forwarned. 

I've been going thru pretty much the same sort of things and feeling very out of sorts about the pending season.

I have no desire to have everyone else's baby rubbed in my face. I should call it good old fashioned jealousy but these same people have no regard for my TTC or my miscarriage. How I am I obligated to be happy about their new babies? 

So in my long wordy fashion I guess I am attempting to agree. By the way I am in the USA will that matter if I join you?


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Try2long
You are welcome to join us...everyone on this site is so valuable and whatever you bring will always help someone through this journey...
Your input is invaluable..
lots of love astridxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi try2long

It doesn't matter where you are from hon. All that matters is we understand what its like to be where you are at right now. You will find so much support and friendship here.

Sending you my love, and welcoming you with open arms!

Emcee x


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Welcome try to long - we dont mind where you are from!!! The feelings are the same world wide. xxx


----------



## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Thank you so much for the warm welcome 

I hope "JQ" sees this ---- I could not get the PM to return my message to you,I tried three times and it said they went but they didn't. I am sorry as I know you were sitting there last night late. I think UK is 6 or 8 hours ahead of us.

I think your right Infertility is the same everywhere. It has the effect of a terminal disease (depression-wise) and yet it is silent and invisible to everyone else. I think it is induced depression.

My best friend called yesterday. She wants to get her tubes undone and try to have a baby GET THIS she is happy to be doing IVF with me. I am at a loss for words. The heart aches I've endured for years she thinks we can enjoy together? I tried to explain it just is not that easy. We are in our 40's and well long story short I just wished her the best of luck. Where do you even begin to explain how hard it is? 

Sometimes the more I want the it the more it seems to allude me.

There should be an Infertility resort where we can all hide through the Holiday!!!!! 

I remember the days before the Capitalism took over Christmas and it really was about religion. Now most Americans think it's about Santa Clause and this should make you laugh---- they aren't Catholic. They have just adopted the Saint to justify buying all of this stuff. I have some staunch Anti-Catholic friends and when I ask them why they supporting my church they become enraged and explain that "He" is NOT Catholic!!!!! We are truly a ridiculous culture here~! 

A-


----------



## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Hope you all are doing well. How is the weather in the UK? The US is mostly icy and snowing!!!! 

I get to go to my lovely Dr's tomorrow so they can give me the wonderful news that my cycle has again failed. I have decided that this ritual should be called "permission to drink" appointment. In the states we have other profane names, but permission to drink thus far has been what they are. From there I head to the neighborhood pub for a Margarita, since it's close I walk my drunk little self home and go to bed at 6 in the evening. 

I should tell you I only know how to fail at this.......... 

How are the rest of doing? Are you all IVFing also? I am sincerely trying to decide to quit but I read all these wonderful post about women who do get it to work and it makes me think I might..............
I fail at a cycle and then I fail at deciding to quit


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi try2long

I hope you don't mind me asking, why did you ask if we are all IVFing also? Or did you mean have any of us been through IVF? Most of the lovely ladies here are not actively pursuing any further treatments for one reason or another. For me personally although it was so hard coming to the end of the road regarding treatment I knew that for myself I had made the right choice. I know I will never get pregnant naturally - but I am glad of the hope I had whilst I was undergoing treatment. I didn't have any hope before then - so the hope was a precious gift in itself, although not as precious as being able to have that much wanted child or children of my own.

I'm afraid I have no answers for you regarding treatment failure - its such a terrible thing to go through. Infertility has got to be one of the loneliest things to live with - here in the UK there has been stuff in the media all week about IVF and it seems only the positive side of it is ever represented - in other words when it works out. No-one wants to read about the people who never had success! I wish you the best with your treatment, but understand about not feeling too positive about things when you have had nothing but disappointment in the past. 

Love,
Emcee x


----------



## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Hi Emcee, 

Yes that was the question. Thank your for the answer, since I'm new here and to this, I'm trying to sort it out. 

I too do not have positive experiences with this unfortunately. I think the media hype is to promote the business. Women here will spend their life's savings and more to try and it is a huge money maker, in many cases cash. My bitterness is showing there. Was it for education purposes?

Someone recently said to me it is the same no matter where you are and yes I think you are right it is a very lonely as well. I hope you continue to share your thoughts and insights here so that I can see what moving on looks like. As strange as it sounds I think I need someone to follow. I've had no success in figuring this out on my own.  My new plan is to ask my Dr. for anti-depressants next week. I just don't feel emotionally competant anymore.

Thanks again and best wishes to you Emcee


----------



## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

I see it was Irisheyes who I was quoting about IF! Thank You for the very warm welcome. 

I guess we all just have each other when it comes right down to it. I've yet to find anyone else who understands this. Or hasn't said something insensitive such as " why can't you just accept God's will??, Oh I think you should quit this it can't be healthy- what you're doing". I sometimes find that I just dont' have the motivation I used to have to be around people. 

Anyway I sure hope all of you are having good days and feelings of contentment!!!

(((((hugs))))) to you and blessings of all kinds! 

Love A-


----------

