# Husband's ex wife refusing to give a reference



## jaykay76 (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi,

Me and my husband are at stage 1. When we first met our SW, we explained that we had real concerns over contacting my dh's ex (they have a child together) as she's caused a lot of problems for us over the years. They split up when their daughter was 2, she's now 21. My dh has a fantastic relationship with his daughter, they speak most days, and she is really happy about us adopting.

The ex has said that she is not prepared to give any reference at all, she doesn't want anything to do with the process, or with us. Dh did help to parent another child for 5 years with another ex, they parted on good terms and she is prepared to give him a reference. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar position, will the lack of reference cause problems for us? We've already been through a lot to try and have a family of our own, and don't want to have to face more hurdles and set backs  

Thanks for reading J xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi so sorry for all you've been through you've had a tough time. I think be open from the start and explain she's refusing to help. However DH's daughter is an adult and happy to help in place of his ex. Also that another ex partner who has seen him parent is happy to help too. 

I think most rational sws will accept this they probably will still write to his ex wife but they can't force her to reply. Good luck also this is the kind of issue where some hard work sws will make an issue but many rational ones will work with you.  Don't let one akward one put you off.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Well said DIY Diva. I agree. If you get a SW who makes an issue of it, there will always be another who won't. 
Good luck


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Hi there, 

if you have given her details to your SW and she refuses to engage then I can't see how it would go against you or DH as it's not something either of you have control over.  Your SW may ask to speak to someone else such as a parent or sibling who knew them as a couple etc. As you say there is another ex who they can speak to and their daughter so I really wouldn't worry.

Good luck


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## Becky29forever (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi

I agree with the advice on here. I think what the SW want is for you to be honest and up front. They asked early on if I would mind them contacting my ex as he had step children from his former wife (not his kids but he always treated them like they were) who would stay with us. We parted on fairly bad terms about 12 years ago but I said I had no objections they could speak to whoever but they may find it more helpful to speak to a mutual friend who knows us both & could speak about things then & how I was with the kids years earlier.

I don't know many people who come through life unscathed from something plus who is the same person they were over a decade ago? I think what is key for SS is co-operation from you two. 

In the end, in my case they spoke to the friend & my ex wasn't contacted. That said, given the water under the bridge I know from my friend he would've co-operated with them. I think because I'd had more recent child care with my many god children that was more relevant for SS.

In your partners case, whatever happened, happened a long time ago & his daughter is the best advert for his parenting not his ex.  

Good luck! X


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

My hubby's ex refused to speak to SW at all (they have really difficult relationship and she has prevented him from any proper relationship with his kids), SW were really understanding and said it did not change anything as she could see we were good people and all our references supported this.  The panel did ask about her but we got a unanimous yes so please don't be put off, easier said than done as I worried the whole process that we wouldn't be approved because of this x

Good luck with your journey x


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## jaykay76 (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks everybody for your words of encouragement. My SW has said that they are not going to pursue a reference for ex, as we will have references from DH daughter and previous partner where he was a step parent. So, hopefully they should all come back OK, as well as the other references. J xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Great news really pleased for you x x


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