# New to FF and dealing with failed treatment



## LucyC (Dec 26, 2010)

Hi there, 
I recently finished my 2nd cycle of NHS funded ICSI. I'm 32 and DH is 30. We've been TTC for almost 5 years now and went on a waiting list for TX 2 years ago with our funding coming through after 18 months. I went through 2 seemingly perfect cycles (is there even such a thing?) but not even a hint of pregnancy from either. My doctor suggested I have a couple of tests before we go forward for a FET (to check NK cell levels and a scan to check the blood flow to my uterus, both of which apparently, if diagnosed, are easily treated) but given that we now have to pay for any TX I'm wondering if it's worth the cost. Or am I better off hedging my bets and putting my money towards FET or an egg share program? I'm desperate for an answer as to why our treatment failed at the last hurdle but I'm also realistic in realising that we do not have limitless funds for TX (we would've started long before now if we had!) I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just never had any idea how much fertility treatment would cost me emotionally. I spent 18 months believing we had a golden ticket and all I've been left with is dashed hopes and unanswered questions. And now that I'm telling people what I've been through over the last six months (one of the hardest secrets I've ever tried to keep!) I'm also dealing with even more ill advised "advice", such as "forgetting about it" (like that would even been remotely possible now) and "it will happen when you least expect it". The brutal truth is that no one has the answers I'm looking for and I can only hope that someday DH and I will get to be the parents we dream of being. Right now I would really just like to go through one day without all of this invading my thoughts!  If there is anyone out there in the same boat I would love to hear from you, I don't know of one person in my life who has been or is going through this right now
and could do with someone to commiserate with! Lucy.


----------



## BabySteps (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi Lucy C

Well ,must admit you were tugging at my heart stings there!  I totally feel for you.  I've just been thru my first cycle of IVF but due to my age we had to got private.  Thank the lord for credit cards!!

We eventually got 2 almost perfect embryos transfered but sadly neither implanted.  I've been told this is quite normal and there is no answer as to why.  I just have to accept it as they way of the IVF world.  It's so hard not to get concrete answers...but it seems that's the nature of IVF.  All I can say is there are loads of us out there in similar positions....so you never have to feel alone.  One way or another you will get thru this.  I just hope that you get what you want so badly.   
xx


----------



## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi Lucy! 
I am so very sorry for you and your DH that your recent treatment's where not successful hun..
Unfortunately this is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster and the main question we all seem to have is "why?"...
People (family etc) do sometimes seem to think that when we undergo treatment that it's like a guarantee that it will work, which in the long run put's more pressure on us....Unless someone has gone through infertility in one way or another they never truly understand, and through the not knowing comes the remark's that aren't alway's meant in a bad way but they hurt like hell!!
Talk to your DH as much as you can hun but if you need to vent or just natter or ask for advice, then all the ladies on here are wonderful... 
Please Please don't feel like you're on your own, I no what that's like and it's not nice at all..x
Feel free to pm me (private message) anytime hun!!
Jen..x


----------



## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

One more thing!
Have you approached your GP?...sometime's they can prescribe the drug's and then you would only pay the prescription charges....
Remember hun, "where there's a will, there's a way!"
Don't give up hope, stay as strong as you can!! 

I wish you and your DH all the best hunni! 

Jen..x


----------



## LucyC (Dec 26, 2010)

Thank you for your messages ladies, I went to bed feeling really down and spent most of the night brain-storming ideas in how to raise money for treatment! I definitely think it will be worth seeing my GP to see if there are any more options for treatment/investigations on the NHS. At worst they could perhaps have some options for improving DH's sperm count. He did have a course of testosterone a few years back and it improved his count markedly, though not the morphology (there's so much conflicting evidence about what is actually important though!).
I'm really pleased I've made the effort to post here, the information and stories I've read so far have been invaluable, I only wish I had found this site years ago.
I really hope this year brings us all some good luck and miracles, x


----------



## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi Lucy!!
I'm glad your feeling a little better hun! 
It does help on here, I think I would have gone loopy otherwise!! 
As difficult as it is for you hun, it must be hard for your DH as well, I prescribe lot's of cuddle's and lot's of love! 
Try looking on here for more advice or I sometime's just type in a keyword on the net and you'd be suprised what you can find out!
Good luck hun! and Yes, let'ss hope this is all of our year!!

Jen..x


----------



## EmmaLily (Sep 8, 2009)

Hiya Lucy.  

I had a failed IVF about a year ago now.  I know how ur feeling hun and how lonely and hard this rollercoast is.  I always felt alone but for the last month I have been on here and it is mad how many people are in the same boat and u can say exactly how ur feeling u dont have to sugarcoat it for anyone as we have probably all felt the same way at some point during this process.  

I know my mum and mother  in law is a nightmare for giving me those one lines relax....forget about it....that woman down the road couldnt have kids but she adopted a child and ended up preggies.  They try to help but it really doesnt help lol.  I do draw the line when my nan started to give me tips on how my increase my chance of conceiving naturally   

One tip I can give u dont shut DH out cos however ur feeling ur DH is probably feeling exactly the same.

xxxx


----------



## BabySteps (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi girls

EmmaLily - your comments about the advise you've been getting really made me laugh.  My mum cuts articles out the paper and keeps them for me.  My best friend is always telling me to just relax and let it happen.....stop thinking about it and just have more sex is another good one!

So glad there are others out there been driven mad by well meaning friends and relatives.


----------



## tiger900 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hi All,

I hope you can find someone to talk to Lucy, it's very hard and I think at every stage everyone always has questions on how or wheter they can carry on. It's up to you and your DH if you want to try further treatment or not. Financial pressure can or could be harder on the two of you too. I was made redundant last year, and I would of paid for IUI instantly as I don't get it on the NHS but things changed and we couldn't, so we wait for that letter from the hospital about our IVF treatment, we get 2 cycles also.  There are hundreds of stories about people who had random success after having treatment that wasn't sucessful but they are the luck ones that people will talk about, I'm sure we don't hear about the thousands of people who live with their loss everyday with people unaware and hoping that some day their dreams come true. 

There is always hope that something could happen and I think talking to your GP is a really good step, I have had the luck of finding a very good friend through having PCOS, we met on Verity and started meeting for a chat. She was sucessful on clomid and now has a lovely 1yr old daughter, but she understands my feelings and has helped me be able to talk about it, she is now trying for Baby no2 and fears it wont be as "easy" as her last luck. I work on the principal that comments from people in a similar situation are valuable, nosy family have no idea, and I find it's generally best to ignore people who can't relate (ie mother in law) because I only get upset and want to tell them it's none of their business and NO you don't understand how I feel so leave me alone! (I haven't done this yet but really wish I could)

I hope you can find someone to share with and you and DH can take positive steps to furthering your TTC journey.

Good Luck and Best Wishes xxxxx


----------



## EmmaLily (Sep 8, 2009)

lol Its funny the things we have to listen to.  My mum insists on telling me loads of miracle stories and gets quite upset when i dont get excited by them.  I tell her they are someone elses miracle story and it really doesnt help me but she doesnt get.  i am sure people only do it because they dont know what else to say but i am sure they mean well.  U have to laugh.  

when my nan started giving us tips it was so funny it was worth it just to see my hubbies face....he was purple...it was priceless honestly!!!  

the situations i find hardest is when one of my friends/family members have a baby and naturally u visit to give gifts and have a cwtch and then someone says.......awww it suits u.............ur turn next!!!! It breaks my heart everytime.  

the only thing that keeps me going is that if tx works and i    it does for me and single one in the same situation, is that this rollercoaster will make me a stronger and better person and i will appriecate every single minute of being a mum (if i am lucky enough get the opportunity) and our babies will feel so much love cos of everything we have been through to get them.  

xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi Lucy...
thought I'd drop you a line... wishing that these thoughts didnt invade your mind every minute of every day.... cos they do and no one understands that.
Like you me and DH have been ttc for 5 years now.... he has low sperm and morphology.
We are still waiting on the NHS, but self funded an ICSI cycle....
the excitment I felt was emmense... my mum was convinced we'd have twins (I'm being realistic... she says I need to be psotive).... I jut want realism!!
Needless to say ours didnt work and I was heart broken...what really hit me, like another lady said was DH... he, like me had planned our childs future and what he and his boy would do...(I know it could have been a girl) but that just made me crumble....
all through this nightmare, til then, I never realised how much this affects them too....
I so wish you luck for your journey, and I am sure you will find support in FF.... although answers are less likely in to why this doesnt work.... I think its a game of luck....
Good luck Lucy x


----------



## LucyC (Dec 26, 2010)

Ladies you couldn't be more right about all the things you have posted. Babysteps-my Mum is the same, except the newspaper articles are coming from Australia as that's where she lives! I was lamenting to a friend that although it feels like we've reached the end of the road treatment wise, we've really only just begun (god forbid!). My head is swimming with options but what I think I really need is some time out. I think back to six months ago when I felt so carefree about our treatment, I had total faith that it would work. Strangely, I was more upset after the first attempt failed than I have been about the second. I still have my moments, usually when I'm walking the dog round the park and no one is around! DH is much more relaxed about it, his belief that it will work eventually is more than I can muster right now. I found some threads on here that have made me laugh out loud (stupid things people say etc..) and some other stories that have bought tears to my eyes. I try to remind myself that things could be worse, and the light at the end of tunnel for me right now is that I am coming round to the idea of being an egg sharer in order to lower the costs of my own treatment and potentially make someone else's dreams come true. Not sure how I would feel if my donated eggs conceived a baby and I never did but I don't have to make that decision just yet. It's nice to have a backup plan all the same. I'm going to start the week by organising some reiki and acupuncture and really, I can't thank you ladies enough for replying to my original thread. It's a relief to get it all out there. x


----------



## BabySteps (Sep 18, 2010)

Emmalilly - I feel exactly the same. The only thing that keeps me going is that we have a chance...no matter how small that chance is...it's still there.  I keep thinking that if it can happen to other people then may be it can happen to me too.  All I have to do is hang in there and keep the faith!!

Jensw - I've gotten to the stage I find it very difficult to talk about my treatmet and the feelings I have about it with friends and relatives.  I know they don't say the things they say from a bad place....but I still find some of them very difficult to deal with.  Instead I'd rather do my chatting in the virtual world. For me that's much easier and more sometimes I even find myself laughing about it.  

LucyC - You sound like your in a much better place now.    I think even considering being a donor is such a wonderful thing.....as you say it always makes you feel better to know you at least have options.  
Hope you enjoy your pampering....will do you good to take some time for yourself.  

Good luck to all you lovely ladies.  xx


----------



## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Welcome to FF, Lucy!! This is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship, it has kept me (relatively!) sane though all my treatment. I don't know how I would have coped without the lovely people here. Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I had quite a breakdown when my 4th IUI failed, I didn't want to go out of the house, I couldn't cope with seeing happy families, I even fled Ikea in tears because it seemed every woman in the shop was pregnant. We decided to take a break from treatment, try to get ourselves back to "normal", to heal and recover, become husband and wife again, rather than patients because treatment had taken over our lives so much. I was also searching for an answer why our treatments didn't work, but DH and the hospital said that it really is a lottery, there is nothing you can do to improve the chances, it either works or it doesn't. But that wasn't good enough for me, especially as we had been marked down as unexplained, I kept thinking there was a reason, reason for the failures, reason we couldn't get pregnant naturally, there must be some more tests they could do to find out why. But they said that they have done all the tests they could which annoyed the h*ll out of me. Anyway, I took this time out and went for the next cycle when I felt strong enough emotionally to go through it all again. After another failed IUI we went to IVF and fortunately that worked.

We didn't tell family, we didn't want that extra pressure. We just dismissed any comments about when we were going to have children, came up with smart comments etc. But my mum said something once, just after one of our treatments failed and I got upset and blurted it out. I have had all the advice and newspaper cuttings from her! She phoned me up once because she had got talking to her cousin about it as her cousin works for a fertility clinic, they were chatting about it at their aunt's funeral of all places! So there was a lot of well meaning (annoying) advice there!

As far as trying to stop it invading your thoughts, it didn't stop them invading, but it kept me sane - I just tried to keep as busy as possible, concentrating on other things (I know, easier said than done!). I read, played computer games, cross stitch, study, tried (and failed) to learn how to play the piano, watched films etc etc - anything to concentrate on something else, if only for a short while.

Sorry, I better stop waffling now! 

Here are a couple of links that I think might help you.

ICSI chat ~ CLICK HERE

Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ CLICK HERE 

Investigations & Immunology ~ CLICK HERE

Negative Cycle Follow up Questions ~ CLICK HERE

Egg Share ~ CLICK HERE

Post Negative Cycle Support ~ CLICK HERE

Frozen Embryo Transfer ~ CLICK HERE

The What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) thread will give you some info on how to navigate the site ~ CLICK HERE

We also have a newbie night in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet other new members and a few more experienced (I won't use the term "old"!) members will be there to answer any questions you have about the site. CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

If you look on the main forum index you will find location boards. You can find others in your area, and even people going to the same clinic who will provide invaluable advice - some groups even have meet ups.

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it. We go through all the highs and lows of treatment together.

Good luck, with whatever you decide to do.        

Sue


----------



## nypee (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi there,

Am also new to this...I am really sorry to hear about everything that you have been through. We have only really started on this journey and are waiting to start IVF. I wanted to respond as we have tried for 2 years unsuccessfully...perfect tests, apparently fit and healthy and with no reason as to why things would not happen naturally. A friend of mine who is a GP suggested that I contacted the ARGC - having done all her research, this was where she recommended. I had the Chicago test for high NK/cytokines - came back that it was high which is prob a key reason as to why things are not happening. Expensive but worth it. I was told that 80% of girls who go there (have normally been to other places), have this issue and up until this point, it has been undetected. I think it is really worth doing the test...expensive at circa £800 but worth it.

Really good luck

Nypee


----------



## BabySteps (Sep 18, 2010)

Hi nypee,

I've never even heard of this test! When it came back positive what was the course of treatment to sort it?
Think it's something I'll be doing a bit of research on!!

thanks for the info...any more would be much appreciated.


----------

