# Hi - this is my first post - new to the IF process



## felice6605 (May 4, 2010)

Hello,


We have been TTC for 18 months now.  We started the investigation process on the NHS in March - we've had several tests but our next appointment isn't until June.


I'm pretty stressed with this timeline.  I don't feel very proactive at all.  My FSG test wasn't performed successfully, so it looks like I need to do it again.  Everything is creeping.  Meanwhile, everyone I know is pregnant on baby two or three.


Emotionally, I'm a bit of a wreck.  At thirty-two I feel like my time to have a family is running out.  I took a week on stress leave in January and again yesterday.  Yesterday my period started, my sister-in-law went into labour and I really had to steady myself to go to work.  At work I discovered we were having a baby shower for a colleague starting maternity leave.  I tried to talk to my manager, but another colleague came in and told me 'you shouldn't get yourself so upset.'  It seemed so unfair as she has three beautiful children she talks about non-stop.  I ended up in uncontrollable tears before going home.


My husband is being wonderful right now.  It took him almost eight months to realise how difficult this process is for me.  Initially, I felt like it was singularly my problem and he felt like I was being irrational and insane.  (I probably was). Since January, though, it has felt like we're doing this as a team.  His support has made me much more sane and rational.  Yesterday, he was amazingly supportive.  It is difficult for him as he is a doctor at the hospital we're going through treatment at.  When he took me to my FSG, the woman performing my procedure recognised him 'I know you!' and started chatting.  I could feel his discomfort.  


I have joined this site because I feel incredibly alone.  I don't know anyone else experiencing infertility.  Everyone I know has children and has had them easily.  My workplace has seen five pregnancies this year, my brother and his baby are having their first, and every time I go on ********, friends are posting pregnancy updates.  I find it really difficult to be around friends who are pregnant and ecstatic about their babies.  


It seems that all women my age talk about is their children.  I feel excluded from this enormous, super-important club.  I always envisioned a family and I can't seem to get a picture of life without children into my head.


Can anyone more experienced let me know if it is worth going through the private clinic process before we complete the NHS process?  Is it possible to go through treatment on both the NHS and privately at once?  I am really worried that the NHS will take another two or three years - which I don't have.  Can anyone recommend a good private clinic?


Can anyone tell me if the emotional side of this gets easier with time?  Can you tell me how you manage emotions and make it through baby showers and 'we've got wonderful news' announcements?  I'm really struggling right now.


Thanks


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## PaddyGirl (Apr 21, 2010)

Hello Felice, welcome to FF   

So sorry that you've been feeling so alone in your IF journey so far    , but you have come to the right place, you will find so much support, encouragement, and friendship from people on here. There are some really lovely ladies here and, believe me, we've all experienced the things that you are going through now.   

I have had 2 failed ivf cycles and we had to go private because we didn't qualify for NHS. Of course private will be so much quickler for you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't know if you can do NHS and private at the same time.  We had our 1st consultation beginning of Nov 09 and started our first tx in Jan 10, which I thought was pretty quick really. 

Not sure whereabouts you are so bit difficult to recommend any particular clinic for you, also depends on your own medical situation. There are threads on here covering every possible IF situation and many ladies have recommended clinics that they have found to be good and more geared up in that area. 

As for the emotional journey, sorry honey, but it can be a long one.      Not sure it ever really gets any easier either, but you will find that being on here will help you emormously and we will all be there to keep you going     .  It's fabulous also that your DH is supportive of you, he sounds like a good guy   

It all seems very daunting at the start but you will get there. You will.   

Wishing you good luck and lots of   

PaddyGirl xx


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## Galldora (May 2, 2010)

Hi Felice,

I can SO identify with what you're describing!  It's such an isolating experience, but actually IF affects far more people than you might imagine.  Before I joined FF I felt like the only kid not allowed on the school trip, x 1000!   

The other thing to remember is that you've got LOADS of time, you spring chicken!  Yes, you need to keep the process moving, but it IS moving.  Keep yourself busy with things completely un-baby-related, and June will be here before you know it.  Meanwhile, if you want to feel more pro-active you could try to move towards a more healthy lifestyle, in terms of nutrition, exercise (which also helps banish the blues and helps your self-esteem), and reducing stress!  You never know, this might be all the treatment you need.  Don't expect too much of yourself though because this process is emotionally exhausting.

Work colleagues can be so insensitive, I agree.  But just think about how many people have children, and are still unhappy for whatever reason.  Maybe their relationship has failed, maybe they have health issues, or a family member does, maybe they're victims of crime, or maybe their life has just failed to meet their own expectations.  Children aren't the happy-ever-after icing on the cake that the media would have us believe.  Everyone has their own private tragedies.

Baby showers are evil things, as is Mother's Day!    It's amazing, isn't it, that nobody pays a second's attention to how childless people feel.  It makes me seeth when people put "well done!" on congratulations cards, although I remember doing it myself before IF became an issue.  I've done my utmost to cut myself off from friends going through pregnancy - but I wouldn't recommend this approach!!!  Haven't got any easy answers, I'm afraid.  It is hard.  I have to admit I just hide ******** friends who show any sign of self-congratulation about their own fertility.

Another thing I find really hard is just making small talk - like you say, the easiest thing to talk about is kids.  So conversations often just grind to a halt when I tell someone I haven't got any.  I can imagine them thinking, "Oh.  That's weird.  How old is she?"  Then quite often they'll say, "how long have you been married?" ie. calculating how much of a FAILURE I am.  However, maybe they are ACTUALLY feeling slightly threatened by a woman who has more going on in her life than boring old childcare   .

Right, I'd better get on with my extremely busy and fulfilling life   , but hope this has helped you feel slightly less alone   .  You'll get through this.

Galldora
xxx


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## fairywings (Feb 19, 2009)

and welcome to Fertility Friends felice 

It's great you have joined because I think all of us can completely relate to what you are feeling. The cruelty and unfairness of it all is something that I'm not sure we can ever get over altogether. However, like has already been said, noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors of those people we see around us with children or who are pregnant. Maybe they are having there own agonising trials in their lives, just a different one to ours. Maybe the people we see on the streets, or in the office, that are pregnant were like us at one time I know it doesn't make it easier, but it has helped me try and put things into perspective at times. As far as private or NHG goes, where abouts are you located? The waiting lists seem to vary greatly! I know that from my first appt at the clinic, I was starting less than 3 months later with my first IVF. Please don't worry about your age!! You really have got a good few years left in you yet hun!  I know loads of people in their 40's who have just had their first.

Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*Starting out & Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 

Keep in touch

Fairywings xx


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## Bex78 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi Felice,

I completely understand how you feel.  I am also 32 and all my friends either have babies or are pregnant with their first or second and I am one of three sisters that all have kids.  I am currently waiting to be referred for IVF on the NHS.  I’m at the stage where I’ve filled out the forms and waiting to hear back.  It does seem to take a long time on the NHS doesn’t it – but I guess we’ve got to be thankful that we have it at all.  I always think thank God we live in this day and age where there is treatment at all!  

We’re in the unexplained category and while waiting for NHS treatment I’m booked in to a private clinic to start IUI just so I feel like I’m doing something more proactive which is relatively less expensive than IVF.  I’m starting this at the end of May (even that took quite a long time to get – shows how many people really are having problems with infertility – I blame the water!).

I think Galldora speaks a lot of sense.  I try and focus on the fact that other people’s lives aren’t perfect after having a baby, as she says, they may be in unhappy relationships, etc.  I think one of the main difficulties with IF is that your life feels like it’s on hold constantly.  I’m using the time to be a lot healthier than I’ve ever been – eating well, exercising and rarely drinking.  I do feel a lot better for it as a result and I ease up over the weekend so that it’s sustainable.  I think this is one of the best things I’ve done that makes me feel better and it’s probably one of the few positives that have come out of IF.

We will get through this.  It’s just a case of filling in the time until we do.

PPx


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## Pearl. (Dec 12, 2009)

Hi Precious Princess welcome to FF  

Your intro nearly bought a tear to my eye, I can totally understand what your going through. I'm 33 next month and everyone tells me that I am still young and don't need to worry about my age. Even my consultant said your a baby when it comes to IVF, you still have 10 years left in you. I wish these words could comfort me  

Five of my friends are pregnant, my sister who is younger than me and married 5 years after me has one of each, one of my brothers has been married 7 years this august has 3 boys and one girl and his wife miscarried one. 

The pain and hurt I feel i can't even begin to explain..I am very maternal towards to my nephews and neices but the parents have made  me feel I am no more than an aunty, and that feels like a dagger through my heart. Because thats what I am..just an aunty not a mummy to anyone.  

You will get a baby, please stay positive and don't listen to everything doctors say..I'm a very religious person and believe that it's GOD that decides whats best for us. Doctors may know some but don't know everything.
I know a few people who have gone though IVF with failed cycles and thought that's it..and a few years later have concieved naturally. 


I know one woman who was trying for 10 years and seeked advice from a woman, who believed in food as medicine and told her to eat 2 onions a day just on their own.   The funny thing is that she did exactly what she was advised..I don't know if it helped but 2 years later she fell pregnant and since then has had 2 girls, a boy and a miscarriage. So never give up..  



You've come to the right place for advice, a shoulder to cry on and to not to feel alone ever again. We all understand your pain and tears.  


All the best and stay strong ...  


XX


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## amethyst_uk (Dec 15, 2009)

Welcome Felice


You are not alone, and have certainly come to the right place.    It seems that you have been given some very sound advice by your new FF.


I am taking the NHS route as well.  Be patient is all I can say.  The longest part for me was waiting for the initial appointment and  getting all the initial tests done (SA, HSG etc), but once all these were back I was recommended to try IUI first and have just started my first one on my very next cycle after the appointment!    It suddenly all moved very fast!  I appreciate that waiting times do vary from trust to trust, but find out what your waiting times are before you go privately - they may not be as long as you think!  We've paid for the NHS - we'd might as well use our quota of "free" treatments!


As for ********  -    ARGH!!!!!
As for insensitive friends - ARGH!!!!!   


Unless someone has faced infertility they really have no idea of the devastating effect it has on lives.  I have coped by distancing myself from friends with children and those who are pregnant (I struggle more to cope seeing the pregnant ones, but that's just me).  TBH I have found that they have nothing left to talk about but children - it's as if they had no life before children - so the "friends" relationship has changed anyway.    It's sad, but as Galldora said, it's important that we fill our lives with activities and people who make us happy.  We may be on a long road to motherhood, but there is no need for us to have an unfulfilled life on the way!


Stay strong and positive - we're always here for a chat!


 


Am x


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