# HELP PLEASE! Really confused.....



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Oh where to start??!! We've always been clear in our minds about wanting a family of 3 children. We were approved first time round for 1 or 2 aged 0-3years, and obviously we got our beautiful daughter out of it, so it was the right choice.
This time round we've said all along that we'd go for 2 siblings this time round to complete our family. I know it'd be hard work and I'm prepared for that.

Our sw last night was asking if we're 100% sure we want to go for 2 this time. I can understand that panel will ask this too, and question why? And now I'm questioning myself over it too. I know it'd be easier to have one child - a) it'd be a less stressful time for our DD to adjust to one new arrival and b) on the practical side, it'd mean that the new child would have his or her own room and we wouldn't have to rush out and change the car (to hold 3 under 5's in the back).
I'm also questioning how our DD might feeling when she's older, that her siblings came together and have been allowed to stay together, when she's not been able to stay with her birth sibs. The two new ones would have that common bond, and I don't want DD to feel alone, and not included.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone?
I don't know if I'm having serious doubts at this stage or just pre-panel wobblers which are natural.


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

When I was ttc I always said I wanted three children, I had it in my head that having two children would be a bit twee.  I must admit now that I have two children I feel happy to stop.  That said I am a good decade plus older than you and I might have thought a bit differently if I was younger.

You've listed all the reasons against adopting two but none of your reasons for.  I must admit I don't think the practical issues need considering, you can always manager.  The one that strikes me as the strongest reason against is the effect on DD.  As you say if you adopt two children they would have to be siblings which would give them a special bond that they would not have with her.

I'm afraid that only you and your DH can make this decision, try (and I say try because it's not something I've ever been good at) and be dispassionate about it for a few minutes and list all the pros and cons.

Best of luck
Cindy


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Cindy
Thank for your thoughts.

We had a long talk, and even longer think about things, and we decided to still go to panel for 2.

We've told sw that we want the emphasis of their search to be on finding the perfect match for all of us. So if that's one or two children, only fate will decide. Our priority has to be towards our daughter. The process feels so very different second time round because first time, aswell as being naive and willing to please, we only had to think of ourselves. This time, it has to be so very right for our daughter. We know that if they find us another toddler, she'll find it extremely difficult to adapt. After all this is her territory!!
She's very excited about them finding us a "baby" and wants to help Mummy with the "baby", and she's at the age now where she can help out, and be included fully. The sw knows that although we're going to panel for 0-3 years, we ultimately would like as young as possible.

I know it's going to be hard work anyway, whether that be with one or more additions! But we're ready!!

Getting excited now. All the homestudy visits have finished and panel date is set for early November. Bring it on!


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi
Quick update from me....

It's been decided by all concerned that we're going to panel for 1 child this time.

All for very sensible reasons really.
The detremental effects that would be caused to our dd on having 2 new sibs.
Panel wouldn't find it easy to approve us with 2 under the age of 2, when our dd is only 4.
And if we were to be approved with 2, the waiting for a match could be a year+. The children's sw would always choose a childless couple or a couple with an older child, over us, with one of 4yrs.

I totally understand where the decision came from, and in a way, I'm relieved that it was taken out of our hands. 

We now know that we'll attend panel on 8th November applying for one child of either gender 0-2 years.

Couldn't be happier


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Ever

You must feel relieved that the decision in the end was made for you, it's one I wouldn't think I could make easily & the reasons SS you have stated are valid ones and finding a new son/daughter for you should be easier and hopefully just as quick as it was for us.

8th November to panel, not long at all!!

Best Wishes
Love
Andrea
xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Ever

Glad it's all worked out in the end, I'm a great believer in things being meant to be and I'm sure you will sail through panel and soon get a sibling for your DD.

love
Cindy


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Ever

Glad things are sorted and good luck for panel

Karen x


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