# Uncertainty



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Full of random questions....

But how do you know?

How do you know how much uncertaintiy you can live with, with any child?

DH and I have discussed and discussed this.  If a child is ok now and developing well but at risk later, is this okay. They might never develop anything, tbut could down the line.  What if you turned down a child based on that % chance with everything else being perfect in everyway?

Would really like to know your thoughts/advise etc

There isn't going to be an perfect unaffected child out there, due to the nature of adoption.....I want to be realsitic on not miss the boat.

Struggling xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Tbh my view s Adoption is a leap of faith. What's the worst case scenario and can you cope?
Go in with expecting it and it'll be a nicer outcome?
I must admit it's easier living this way once your lil person is home as they're not just a theoretic child. 
That said we probably took on more uncertainty than we initially wanted as felt it was the right match and I think that's key. No matter what we won't give up on him.

Hope this helps but it's a really tough and personal choice.
X


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Living with the uncertainty is really hard.  The little boy we've adopted has a fairly complex background, with a mix of learning disabilities and mental health problems in the birth family.  He was also born premature and had some considerable gross motor delay in the first year.  Not known to drug and alcohol services, but as with all adopted children, you can't be sure about what was consumed during pregnancy.  We do know that BM was prescribed a lot of medication during the pregnancy.  Our AS was considered hard to place and he had been turned down a number of times.  

I work in mental health and for me this was an uncertainty I could accept and felt like I could cope with - and I felt that there were big positives, especially that AS had been with a fantastic foster family since birth and that his development had caught up.  He came to us at 23-months and is now just over 3.5 and he is doing brilliantly - and is as gorgeous and perfect as any birth child I could imagine.  However, there will always continue to be that bit of uncertainty.  His development is now more than age appropriate, but it's difficult to know how he will get on in school - we will also have to share some fairly difficult information with him and I do worry about how this will affect him.  It is definitely harder to think about all the uncertainties, when you properly love them - although you also accept them as part of who they are (if that makes sense)

At the moment, I'm hopefully finding the balance between enjoying having such a lovely little boy, whilst keeping one eye open for potential issues.  

I'm not sure if any of this will help, it really is such a big unknown.  We've so far had a really positive experience, even though our AS was considered hard to place.  However, I'm also aware that people have had hugely more difficult times with children considered easy to place.  It is also still fairly early days for us.  Overall, I think you have to look at whether you can accept worst case scenarios, whilst hoping for the best 

Good luck x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you ladies x that's amazing x
Will post / message later, running late for work!!!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

It's a difficult one because you can adopt an easy to place baby with no known issues and along the line they are diagnosed with asd or adhd etc and then you can adopt a child with say prenatal exposure to drugs and they turn out to have minimal issues. I do think you need to think of the worse case scenario and can you live with it. My lo was 19 months when we were matched to him and his bf has Asperger's and so a strong possibility lo may also. This was a condition we felt we could cope with though at the moment lo at nearly 4 is doing well and no early signs.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

good advice from those before about thinking about what you can cope with..worst cas scenario..and go from there..
I think once you have your child and have fallen in love with him/her you can cope with anything because love forms the soild base from which everything else is built
kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

keemjay said:


> I think once you have your child and have fallen in love with him/her you can cope with anything because love forms the soild base from which everything else is built


Couldn't agree more, which is why the head has to get us to think through everything first.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

I totally agree with the last 2 posts, once LO is home and you bond, attach and create your family unit it really doesn't feel like such a battle or struggle to deal with the worries / uncertainty. 

I honestly feel that whatever life throws at us in the future, we will deal with it and nothing will change the love I feel for my gorgeous son xx


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## Pumpkin mummy (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi,

Our LO was considered hard to place for various reasons. Once we got his medical report, we googled it all and thoroughly reviewed it. He didn't have a condition just things that needed more investigation.  We decided that he was our LO, and if he did need that medical intervention then be it so.  Luckily he didn't, but we would have done anything to support him, it just felt right.  

But we did turn other children's reports down, due to mainly their horrific backgrounds.  

You'll know if it's right, these children will have issues/potential medical issues.....but just remember its not their fault, and they are all gorgeous!!xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you for all the useful advise.  I think uncertaintiy is something us adopters face.  It's good advice... Think worst case... Anything else a bonus.

Lovely to read some lovely positive stories from some mummies! Xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I have Klinefelter's Syndrome (amongst other disabilities) and if I looked at the medical definition of this it would say that I was retarded (not a term I like to use but that is what it says) and my chances of leading a normal life would be slim.

Yet here I am at 34 with a family, and a very good engineering job with a degree under my belt.  Yes it was a struggle to get here, but I wouldn't change it.

What i'm trying to say is life is what you make of it, if you think of the worst and hope for the best then you'll be fine.


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Forgetmenot

Before we were placed with our two boys I remember thinking about the uncertainties about their future health and development quite a lot. I have to say though nearly 8 weeks post placement I have genuinely never given it a second thought! I think it was Gertie who mentioned that it's easier to deal with the uncertainties of a child or children after their placed, than when their just theoretical. 

Both our boys have developmental delay, history of learning disabilities in the family and both are behind where they should be in terms of many of their developmental mile stones. Yet, for us now that doesn't seem to bother us anymore and we don't really give it a second a thought these days. We just live day by day with our two boys and each and every day we see tiny little things that are signs of progress in many aspects of their lives. I guess I used to worry more about the long term before we actually got the boys, now it's always day to day so that really cuts down on focusing on the uncertainties.


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## dreamingofabettertime (Jun 12, 2012)

I am not sure where you are in your journey but it is good that you have been reflecting on many questions people never say out loud, being honest with each other and others is very important at every stage of the process.

Life is full of uncertainty and whether you have birth or adopted child there is no sure way of not being surprised by what is ahead of you. My best advise is to keep an open mind, when you get to selection stage you can change your mind about the 'criteria' your chose originally during assessment, there is nothing to stop you considering all options or to be more specific. 

What I mean by this is that we said no to every 'risk' initially and then realised through our training and our adoption journey that we were not being honest with ourselves so rather than discuss each 'category' we just said no.

So as we went along we started discussing things in much more detail and drew on what we could realistically cope with, what we would do in the circumstances and how we could draw on our own personal experiences to make a difference (as you are now) and then it became apparent that until we started matching we would keep an open mind and look at every child for who they were. 

We looked in detail at their history, family history and medical information and then based on that as a 'new family' we decided we were the perfect match for that child. 

The way I look at it is if someone did the same kind of report on me (as there is on a every child in care) then no-one would have adopted me if I had been in care (what I mean by that is that every tiny bit of information is recorded about a child in a very short space of time. Sometimes if you read too much into this you will be overwhelmed by information and not see the child as a child needing love and security). Our little one had a terrible report, they said he screamed all day and night, he was milk intolerant, he had been a victim of domestic violence in the womb and outside of it and had been rejected which would cause physiological problems. We met the foster carer who told us he was no milk intolerant, he slept all night long and was an absolute delight .....she wasn't wrong he is a delight and everyday fills our hearts with joy. When we first had him home I complained of jaw ache and realise now it was because I had not smiled and laughed in such a long time! Yes he does have quirky little behaviours but we work as a family to address these, we have a heightened awareness to his behaviours as we are always looking for traits but so far he has given us much, much love, laughter and joy....definitely worth challenging uncertainty, finding out as much as we could from the person who knew him best (his foster carer) and going for it!

My advise in summary is do not paint every child with the same label as there are so many variables and with your support, love and encouragement you will make a difference to that child's life as will they to yours. Being a parent is hard in so many ways (birth and adopted) but the risk of doing it provides you with such rewards. Research well and be guided by what feels true to you. XXX

Forgot to add that our little man could not sit, hold his head up or eat solids when we had him at 7 months, he was significantly developmentally delayed and very under weight. We held what looked like a long thin 3 month old...since then he we shared so many milestones, his first smile, his first step, words etc...he is now exceeding all his milestones and is advanced in reading and way above other children in language. He is a sponge that we take great pride in encouraging to develop and thrive. Other developmental delay (physical) remain, he is small and probably will always be that way...so what! We love him to bits, we are very proud of every milestone he makes no matter how small and if in the future we discover something else we will deal with it together. I have older birth children who I have discovered through my life journey have disabilities, if I knew then what I know now would I have had them ...YES...DEFINATELY.


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