# Stupid, stupid, STUPID!



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

So there I was on Thursday night - dh out with his friend and me in on my own. Zilch on telly. So I flick through the channels and end up watching that programme on 'Making a baby'. WHY did I do that? So by the time dh gets home I'm all tearful and wretched. He is very sensible and says I have to protect myself and watching programmes like that are surely going to press all my buttons. I don't know why I did it. I feel tortured that for the rest of my life I'm going to have to be 'careful' - I feel like I'm not a whole person, I'm crippled (emotionally). Then yesterday we go to a party and our friend is there with a beautiful one year old girl and another one on the way (very definitely showing). So am I going to have to become a recluse?! I can't go to parties anymore?! I'm sick of it.
Bernie


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

The thing about parties is that there is always someone there with a big bump. I think it's the law now.


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bernie, 

I don't think you do have to becoe a recluse in a permanent way, but you can let yourself off the hook for a temporary period of time by bowing out of such arrangements. It can be hard for women, with all our 'conditioning' to contemplate making a 'stand', a 'statement' such as this, but self preservation demands it, I find, at least for a while. For example, I am feeling, 6 months on from my last m/c, more able to deal with bumps in the general populus, but I know that I cannot spend Sundays this summer watching my hubby play cricket with a woman who gave birth on the day our first child was due. I just have to cut myself some slack, and I guess I'm just saying 'hey girl, go easy on yourself for a while...' It will get easier, in time...

Love, 

MM xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Bernie

Just want to echo what MM said so eloquently.

Its annoying to hear it, and probably doesn't seem real, but it will get a little easier as time goes on. I know exactly what you mean, this last year the same dilemma has come up over and over again...do I go to these functions and face the pain, which at times seems unbearble, or do I protect myself by staying at home, but feel lonely and isolated? 

However, I am 15 months since my final tx, and I still struggle...last week I did the same as you, for some unknown reason I watched a programme about home-births...why!?? Like you I had a good sob. I think we all have done this at some point, I know Hippy did the same thing. In some ways its not that we're trying to torture ourselves but maybe its about founding an outlet to let the emotions out when sometimes they feel like they are trapped inside us stagnating.

On a positive note, I never thought I would be able to say this, but MM is right...it DOES get a little easier...today I felt able to hold my cousins 1 year old boy for the first time, and guess what...I haven't cried yet and don't feel the need to (yet  ) !!! 
I never thought I would reach that point.

You will too one day, I promise.

Hugs
Ermey xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

PS Ermey has touched on something interesting there - there's a chance that our subconscious has us do things that seem daft on a rational level, in order to seek out some release via tears, ranting whatever, so rather than chastise yourself, listen to what the 'inner you' is saying by compelling you to watch baby focused tv, or whatever.....

just a thought from this arm chair psychologist with a little practical experience!

Love, 

MM xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Bernie

I came to this board as the result of a night alone watching a TV programme about successful IVF. Maybe watching the programme was not a "good idea" - pressing all my buttons? But afterwards I googled and came here, to a place where I am understood, welcomed and supported and can give a similar understanding, welcome and (I hope) support.

Maybe sometimes we need to open ourslves to our vunerability in order to deal with it and move on?

There is a lot of support here when needed.....

Lots of love,

Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for you thoughtful insights. I have thought about why I watched that TV programme. I think you are right - at some level I wanted to let out these feelings. But if I'm being honest, at another level I wanted to see if there was any new information that would explain my subfertility. For us there has never been a reason why we couldn't get pg for years and then lost them when we did get pregnant. No answers is just so difficult to cope with. Needless to say the TV programme told me nothing I didn't know already (I'm something of an unwilling expert in it all - as I'm sure you can relate  ). 
But the party issue does frustrate me. I wanted to go to that party. It was for my dh's friend who was 50. Why shouldn't I go!! I didn't burst into tears or anything and was able to laugh and play with the one year old (who is just adorable BTW). But it's the aftermath - the sadness on the way home. I guess I just have to accept that at the moment I will feel like that - but maybe one day I won't.
Bernie xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi bernie- just wanted to add that like the other girls say you will feel better eventually. In my worst years I missed so many birthday,christening parties as i just couldnt face them and the pain i would feel if i did go. So i hid away i suppose!

But last Sept (18 mths after our last tx) i finally went to a family party -dh's dads 80th which i really couldnt get out of. There were his 2 nieces for Gods sake!!! with their 2 year old and baby of 5 mths and the other girl 7 mths pg with her second(since we had been for tx!!). I managed to survive and chose to play with the 2 year old rather than the baby(my way of controlling the situatiion i suppose). I even spoke to the other niece about how her pg was going!!!  2 years ago i could NEVER have done this.!!

In March i went to see a work colleague and her 6 mth old baby- I held the baby which was the first baby i had held in 3 years!!!! I came on here and told the girls- no one else would understand what a big deal this was for me.This year i am still bracing myself for the announcement that my sis is pg but at least I know that it will never be as bad as it was 2/ 3 years ago.

Good Luck- just do what you feel comfortable with and then do more when you feel better xxx

Ps i watched all those programmes too- usuallly when dh was out as he refused to torment us any more.(for my sake probably as he has a dd)


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hi Bernie,

I completely hear you. Recently we went to my DH's aunts 80th party and of course there was his second cousin with her absoluetly beautiful 5 month old baby. Everyone cooing and clucking and making her centre of attention. And they got married only 2 years ago!!!

I managed to move from room to room to avoid her. I didn't even congratulate them. Then to add insult to injury another second cousin 'announced' they're 5 months pg (married less than a year) and another aunt announced that her daughter is pg with 3rd!!

Oh my God. Hardly kept it together and cried buckets on the way home in the car. Jealous? me? You bet your ass I am. 

Feel like such a b**ch for not being able to be happy for them all. But too painful to deal with. I guess I have to expect that this is how it will be for me now, albeit easier as time goes by. Sometimes I can be completely normal about it. Usually when I am close to and really love the parents. When I don't it just hurts too much to deal with and all I can do is look out for me by avoiding the situation as far as possible and try not to let my paranoid tendencies take over too - you know the one's where clearly everyone who was there noticed that I didn't have a cuddle with baby, where I must be some kind of cold hearted monster, I'm not good enough to be my dh's wife, and what a disappointment I must be to my Dh, MIL, FIL, BIL etc etc.

How broken am I? 

God sorry I don't know where that came from. I have obviously been harbouring those feelings for a while. Bloody nightmare. When will this stop please? Mind you had a good cry now too. Maybe I needed to write this down to let go of it.

Sorry Bernie, This is meant to be about you. I didn't mean to go on.

Take care honey. Big hugs

Vicki
x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bernie, Vicki and all, 

Its always better out than in....

MMxx


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Thank God for you girls.

Not sure what I'd do without your support.

Thanks

Now I've got going, can't seem to stop!


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Vicki and Bernie, (and everyone else who feels these gatherings are so hard)

First of all, love to you!

I think everyone on this board feels like this, so you are not alone. Irisheyes' experience that it slowly gets easier with time is also common, so I hope it helps to know that.

A couple of things have helped me to deal with these situations. The first is that I learned from our own dear MM how to best prepare myself for these situations. Before MM "gave me permission" to prepare I mostly thought I should be a better adjusted person and just get on with it! Actually preparing has helped me to be better adjusted and so to get on with it once I am there! Here are the things I found most helpfull:

- To plan what I would say when expected comments were made or news was announced, so I was not taken off guard. I already knew that I felt bettter if  I said something  positive about the pg/news/baby... but which also acknowledges my own situation - Something like "How wonderful for you! I wish we had been so lucky." That sort of comment seems to make people feel OK towards me but also to remind/warn them not to go on and on about it in front of me. So instead of leaving it to chance that I would say something like this, I made sure I was ready to do so.

- To have a text buddy who understood on standby for when I needed some support. On my most recent big family do my dear friend was so brilliant and texted messages of support even when I had not texted first. I can never thank her enough!

- To remember my "FF" here and know that I have people who understand and will be there to listen before and after the event. Knowing that I can reciprocate when needed makes me feel totally OK about coming here for support.

- To have some good news of my own to share, be it ever so small, such as a good riding lesson. It is good to have something positive to say about myself.

- To have some relaxation and positive affirmation techniques to see me through. The most recent event was a family reunion that lasted a whole weekend, including a big party, and it was good to take time out during the weekend to go for a walk or to lie on my bed or in the sun and listen to my ipod. (Relaxing or uplifting sections!) My friend's texts were great for the affirmation aspect as she reminded me of some of the positive things about me and so as these messages arived I saved them for future reference!

Using these ideas I ended up enjoying the big event I mentioned, even though, as expected, it highlighted the fact that I have not produced the grandchildren and so at times I felt the inevitable sadness. Feeling prepared and focusing on why I was there (to celebrate my Mum's 70th) I concentrated on making her feel special, and at the party to talk to every one of her newer friends. (She and stepdad retired to Spain, so there were a lot of new faces for me.) Among the friends I met 2 people I really connected with and hope to see again when I visit. The end result was that all my mum's friends think I am just the most wonderful daughter, so she is feeling really proud of me! That leaves me feeling good too! Now that would not have happened in the early stages of coming to terms with moving on, I had to learn how to cope, and in learning to cope I have ended up knowing I can do more and actually have a 90ish% good time.


The other thing that works for me is to re-frame my idea of myself as a jealous person and instead to recognise that what happens when I am faced with these happy and oblivious pg people/young families is that my feelings of grief are triggered. While grief is not an easy emotion, I feel better about acknowledging that grief is part of my life (and is something that comes to most of us at some point) than I did about accusing myself of the more negative emotion of jealousy. I know that jealousy can be a part of what I feel, but I think that jealousy is a side effect of the grief, and not a defining characteristic of my personality. That makes me realise that I am not a green eyed monster, but a good person who has had a hard time. This is something I have only recently realised, (in the face of my brother's wife expecting a child 10 years after I gave up on tx.) I wish I had got there years ago!

I hope this may give you some ideas, and credit to MM!

Love again,

Jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

JQ, 

blushing away here.....

Love and thanks

MM xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hiya Bernie,

I can't help with the TV thing (as you know, having read my previous posting - I too torture myself every now and again ). However, I have something to say about social gatherings. It does get better. You do not need to become a recluse. It won't happen overnight, but eventually you will find a kind of perspective shift, and other people's bumps and babies may even become quite nice things.

I can't quite believe how many of the posts on here are connected at the moment, but my change evolved in connection with my taking on a new role and finding a new goal for my life. I now genuinely have a different motivation to get me out of bed in the morning, and, whilst I still feel sad that I am not a mother, it no longer dominates my thoughts. I even enjoy cuddling babies and playing with children, and I feel really pleased that I can hand them back when the noise becomes too deafening, or the smell too objectionable .

I think that jq has summed up beautifully the thing you need to remind yourself of: "I am not a green eyed monster, but a good person who has had a hard time"



Lots of love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I suppose I am better than I was at these gatherings and like VT says, I find it easier to relate to the baby/child if I am close to the parents. I suppose it is because the baby is then a human being with a life that is important to my friends, rather than a concept - if you see what I mean? Seeing a stranger's baby is just rubbing my face in what I can't have. Thanks Jacqui for your very practical advice. I think it is good to have some positive news to share - that's a good tip. And it helps steer the conversation away from baby stuff. Also I have been working on being prepared - see my other post. I had a breakthrough today.
And yes it is good to remember that we are not green-eyed monsters. We have just had a rough time. Thanks for reminding me.  
Bernie xxx


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