# Sisterly support



## louise m (Jan 28, 2008)

Hi there!

My younger sister has very kindly offered to be a host surrogate for us & we are in the early process of contacting our GP's for referrals as necessary.

Does anyone have any advice with regards to what to expect when a family member assists?

Also, do we need to join COTS or Surrogacy UK even though we have a surrogate? or is it something we can organise ourselves?

Many thanks!


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## surroseeker (Jan 10, 2008)

i personally wouldnt waste my money on COTS or SUK,i spoke to my gp with my sister when we were working together last year and asked for referrals to see others from him.
then with that money i wouldve saved,i couldve treated her with something a little extra at the end.
i already have a fab solicitor.


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## surromummyuk (Oct 4, 2007)

hi louise,i have been a traditional surrogate twice and went independent ,it is really a matter of personal choice,i know many surrogates/ips feel happier having the support of an agency,although in the event of anything going wrong they can only serve as mediators


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi Louise m, and how lovely of your sister to offer to be your surrogate.

I've helped quite a few couples who have made private arrangements outside the help of Surrogacy UK/ COTS (incidentally, someone mentioned to me that COTS were no longer running - is that true does anyone know?).

I'm a solicitor specialising in this area of law (one of very few) and I can explain how the legalities work, what you need to do after the birth to get your parental rights, talk about whether a surrogacy agreement is appropriate (not always in family cases, but it's sometimes useful to talk through some of the issues which might go in it), and sort out wills etc to protect all involved if someone dies unexpectedly etc.

If you'd like my help, feel free to email me direct. I've also posted a link below to our new and improved fertility page on our website.

Best wishes

Natalie
[email protected]
http://www.lesteraldridge.com/services/private/fertility/index.asp


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## OD2 (Oct 1, 2007)

Hiya

I'm a member of SUK and find the support really useful - not least because we met our surrogate there! Quite apart from that, I've made some real friends who I talk to often and it helps normalise hte whole weird thing that we're doing. Before I joined, I'd never met anyone with the same condition as me, but now there's a gang of half a dozen of us so it feels like a bit of a team game.

As far as I know, COTS are still going, but the Department of Health have been sniffing around compliance with surrogacy laws in general in the last year or so, so there might be something going on behind the scenes at COTS that I don't know about. Just to be clear, I'm not implying that they're doing anything untoward!!! Their public message boards are certainly still active.

I'd suggest that you start by just checking out the message boards of both organisations - there is a wealth of information there which will help you and your sis work out what you need to consider before you get underway. Key things for you both to think through include:

How will you reimburse your sis for expenses she incurs as a result of pregnancy/trying to get pregnant?
How will you estimate/keep track of how much to reimburse her?
What clinic will you choose?
How many rounds of IVF do you want to go for in the first instance? (3 is normal at SUK before considering whether to go for any more)
Are there any dietary or lifestyle changes you'd like your sis to make while trying to get pregnant/while pregnant - e.g. attitudes to drinking, smoking, taking supplements, eating organic...
Are she and her partner (if she has one) aware that they'll need to abstain from sex for quite long periods of time while TTC?
If/when you do get pregnant, what tests will you have during the course of the pregnancy - what will you do if they come up with bad news?
How regularly will you see each other during the course of pregnancy - as an IM you might find you want to be there the whole time, but this can be suffocating for surrogates - the fact that she's your sister may help with this - or may make it more difficult
How will you cope with watching your sister get heavy and sick and tired for your benefit?
Would she find it helpful to have other surrogates to talk to?
What do you want to happen at/after the birth? e.g. will you be the first to hold the baby? will you all go home to your sis's house for a day or two before going back to your home?
What will you tell the baby about his/her arrival in this world!
Will you try to breast feed (it's been done by several IMs at SUK)

I could go on - it's a bit of a minefield when you get into it, but very very exciting to be underway - I wish you and your sister every success 

Fx


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## kirstywade (Feb 19, 2008)

hi there, im new on here so i dont really know what im doing??  just seen your post and im kind of in the same situation! although we havent actually started any treatment yet we was being seen to at st marys but with us moving to huddersfield we have been transfered to leeds and just waiting to be seen there! my cousin has been an angel by opting to be our surrogate and we cant wait for the ball to start rolling!   i found out i couldnt carry babies when i was 15 i am now nearly 20 and my fiance kev is nearly 24 we have been together for nearly 5 years and plan to get married in 2010 we cant wait to start a family we have everything we coud posabily want and having a baby would mean everything to us ! oh wel anough about me and good luck 2 every one on here i hope 2 speak to you soon kirsty xx


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## OD2 (Oct 1, 2007)

Hi Kirsty,

Just a word of caution - you're fine to start your surrogacy journey before you're married, but as I understand things, it's hard to get a parental order if you aren't married.The parental order is the paperwork which makes your child officially yours - when he or she is born, the birth certificate will have to show your cousin and her husband's details for legal reasons, but six weeks later you can start the process of effectively transfering parenthood to you and your husband.  I think that Natalie (the resident lawyer) wrote somewhere that it isn't impossible to get a PO without getting married, but I'm not sure about that - SUK where I am make sure that someone's made an honest woman of us all, to avoid potential problems.  

So, that's a long way of saying, if you aren't planning to be married before the baby would be born, I suggest you get a bit of legal advice before starting treatment.

Good luck - I really hope it works out for you!!!

Fx

ps are you one of us MRKH girls?  if so, our surro's 9 weeks pregnant, so it does work!!


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