# 2nd Time Adopters: Part 2



## Arrows

Hiya. Thought this might be useful as there seem to be a few of us in this position!

Hi. We have a 2yr old adopted son and about to start the approval process for number 2 -just waiting for the form to arrive for us to start.


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## E3021

Hey Arrows,

We have just been approved at panel to adopt for the second time. Think we were quite close together time wise last time round.

It was so much more straightforward this time, we only had three visits from the social worker and didn't have to write anywhere near as many documents as last time.

Good luck


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## Arrows

Thanks E3021! Yes our DS came home 3mths after your girls.
I've redone our finances, redone family expectations, a day in the life of, relationships and ecomap. Also done a number of updates to the PAR, checked references and DBS is currently being processed.
The DBS got done two weeks ago but they only sent the Expression of Interest form today. Bit annoying to give lots of details again which I know they already have!
We need to book in the Medicals but otherwise expecting it to be fairly straightforward as using the same agency and the same SW.
Hopefully it'll all be quick and easy and we're aiming to be approved by June/July.


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## E3021

Sounds very similar to what we had to do, felt so much easier this time around.

Our meetings with the sw very much focused on the girls, how we have coped as parents and how we think they will cope with a sibling.

Now our waiting begins!! ...


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## liveinhope

Hopefully joining you soon ladies.  about to apply 2nd time....


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## Arrows

Great to see you here LiveinHope.


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## watakerfuffle

Hi, can I also join you   Very early on in journey for second time adoption but have expressed interest and waiting for a sw to visit. Not sure how long we will have to wait.


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## Arrows

Nice to see you here Watakerfuffle. Our SW visit is happening on Tues. 

So that makes the list:

*E3021* -approved
*The Spouses* -aiming for panel Apr 2014
*Arrows, Watakerfuffle, Liveinhope *-aiming for panel July-ish

So glad to see so many people we shared the experience with last time, on the journey with us now.


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## liveinhope

Cant have been that bad then if we are all here a 2nd time.  I rang the SW on Friday, she wasn't in so hopefully she will call back tomorrow and we can get going again!!


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## Arrows

LIH we've been talking to them for a while and agreed to end of February to get forms etc. They took ages to email the forms to us and it'll have been 2wks from getting the form when we see the SW tomorrow. Having said that, she's coming to sign contracts with us and from everything we understand, we miss out prep course and still have to get references, DBS and medicals but we can start Stage 2 homestudy straight away whilst waiting for checks to come back. Then it's only updating the PAR so we only expect around 4 visits, aiming for panel after 4mths so I guess around July. We'll see I suppose!


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## watakerfuffle

All very exciting isn't it. I had a bit of a chat with a senior sw and seems the new process is quite quick for first time adopters so I am thinking it will be super quick for us. As far as I know we have to wait for a sw to visit us, see how little man is and ensure we are making right decision to proceed. Then complete expression of interest forms. We also have to complete a portfolio ourselves, updating a lot of info from previous assessment I guess. I think we are given a month to complete that. Then assigned a sw and homevisits start. For new adopters they now only get approx. 6 visits so we will only need 2 or 3. July panel seems very doable arrows


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## Belliboo

Hi we're nearing the end of our second time adopters journey waiting court dates but our second time was much quicker even using old style assessments we started home study January & went to April panel it was so much quicker  xx


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## Wyxie

Our number 2 was placed last June, 13 months after number 1.  Reapproval was very quick.  We only had one home study visit and a second opinion visit, plus referee visits.  We were still involved with our SW as we hadn't got the AO for our daughter when we were re-approved for our son.  From application form to panel took 3 months, but, we knew when our son's placement order was due to be made if the case went to plan (which it did), and our SW just scheduled us into the approval panel a week or so prior to that so there wouldn't be any delay, and said she'd get the work done in time somehow or other.  Ironically, once approved, it took the placing agency 6 months to get our son to us.  Still makes me cross/sad.


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## AoC

Hi guys, dipping my toe in here.    Can anyone recommend any good reading/resources for working with an existing adopted child when going for a second?  Are there different things I need to think of when it's not going to be a birth sibling?

Starting to get our heads round it, but really anxious about hurting Bug.


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## purplexed

Hi there
It's early days for us. Planning on starting approval for number 2 in July so AP in oct/Nov. 
We were all set to get a birth sib but that fell through so we will be going for an unrelated sib. 
AoC asked if there are any things we need to know about as it's not a birth sib. I too would like to know if there are any special considerations? 
Thanks


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## Miny Moo

AoC - our son was much older than your little one when we had no.2 placed, he also has very complex needs so we knew we needed to have a 2nd child who had a completely different set of needs. We also went for a girl to take out any competition of being the best boy, so we could have a best boy and best girl, although he is very savvy and got round that one by saying he is the best child!!!

I have to say it has been extremely tough for him, much tougher than we anticipated it would be and he is struggling big time even though we have done lots of work with him, we knew we would go for another one even before he was placed as we initially wanted a sibling group and have always spoke about having a sibling, it is something he desperately wanted, but I think the reality is very different. We do see glimmers of hope that it will in prove and we are working on them and validating his feelings.

Good luck for the future, even with ours sons issues and him struggling now we are glad that we did it again.


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## Arrows

We're currently reading Teasles to DS regularly -gonig for a baby so it works for us but would be hard to use if you intend to adopt an older child. In the book the parents want a baby and Mr McBadger finds them one to love forever. We've made a big deal of the fact LO is a big boy, not a baby, and nearer the time aim to introduce our SW as being like McBadger helping us find a baby. He's already going on about 'MY baby, Mummy'. I figure we'll just try to involve him as much as possible once we've got a link and have to start making preparations but he's currently 2yrs 3mths so just a bit too young to understand yet.
We've got our first homestudy on Friday but when our SW came over to get us to sign contracts we said although we weren't prepared to do concurrency we'd be happy go to panel with a child in mind, ready for a quick turnover. She happened to mention a child due in a few weeks time so we'll be chatting to her about it on Friday. I know that this is highly uncertain as yet but given that we'll like be getting a child home before the year is out, I'd rather start preparing LO asap.

I'd be very interested to learn what others are doing/ have done to prepare LOs?


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## Anjelissa

AoC,

I'll send you a pm as soon as I have more than just a few mins and will try to give you a few ideas of what helped/is helping with us. 
Our little man (4 yrs old at time of our little lady's placement) loves his little sister to bits but it's taking time for him to adjust to the massive change to his whole world. It's been 'trial and error' in various areas, but a lot of things we did in preparation definitely helped in the early days of placement.
Of course every situation is different but apparently (according to our sw) our little man has demonstrated text-book reactions so hopefully many of the things that have helped us will be useful for you too when you start thinking about preparing your lo 

Anj x


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## Belliboo

Hi our son was 3&half on placement of his half sibling we did lots of preparation talking about becoming a big brother, & using examples of our friends children becoming big brothers or sister, yet at the same time explaining how his brother or sister would come to us. He has managed better than we expected as he is a real mummies boy & we are getting there, althought the toy sharing doesnt go well sometimes but think that's an age thing. Intros were quite hard to explain as ours were 10 days & he got a bit confused as to why we were taking him back to FC instead of him sleeping with us straight away but it was well worth the stress of going through the process again xx


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## liveinhope

On Arrows advice we have the Teasels book too but haven't read it yet.  Obviously we want to do all that we can to prepare DS but are realistic that it may be a tougher road ahead than we are imagining.  we are hoping for a girl too....


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## liveinhope

Any chance you could PM me too Anj? grateful for anything that might help....!


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## Anjelissa

liveinhope said:


> Any chance you could PM me too Anj? grateful for anything that might help....!


Hi liveinhope, yep not a problem, I'll send it to you both.
It may not be for a week or so though (what with one thing or another life's a bit hectic atm )

Anj x


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## AoC

Thanks everyone (and Anj, in anticipation, no rush!) this is really useful.


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## liveinhope

Thanks Anj, no rush here either....


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## Wyxie

Wyxling and I found something today, and it made me think of this thread.

When we had Bladelet we did the Tomy talking album.  Wyxling loved it when we were making it for him, and wanted to say hello, which she did, but when he was here and he had it she was insanely jealous of this.  We got another for her, and put photos in starting with when we met her, and doing things for the first time, with a lovely narrative, and finishing with a photo of us all together.  She was about 2 1/2 at the time, and she was really bowled over by it.  We found it again today (a year after we met Bladelet) and she was so happy and smiley with it, and talking about all the things we've done since then, or done again with Bladelet.  Bladelet still loved his too and was "helloing" back to Mummy and Daddy and Wyxling, and big excited noises over the cats and the monkey we got him, which has ended up being his favourite toy - it's incredibly soft and snuggly.  

Prompted me that I need to update them to have in their toy boxes still, but thought it was a nice idea for any doing this again.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

That sounds lovely, Wyxie.  

Our Tomy talking album was a catalogue of disasters, and the audio never worked (in spite of having two versions!) but I used to do a made up story to it when he came home, and he still likes to hear it once in a while.  

Still mulling over adopting again.  On good days I'm raring to go, on those days where nothing you can say or do will make him listen, or not do the bad stuff, I think we're crazy even to consider it.  :-/


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## purplexed

Hi everyone,
I can join this thread now. Little monkey has been home a year and our SW is coming next week for her initial visit. Number 2 here we come...must be crazy!!!


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## Arrows

How're things going for everybody? Been ages since we all posted on here.
We've finished all the renovations now and DS is settling in well to the new nursery. The house passed the health and safety inspection so a big relief and we're still on track to go to panel 14th August for 2nd time approval.
As part of the negotiations with the delay in panel from Jun-Aug the SWs agreed to us looking at profiles and and attending consortium profile evenings before our panel so we're attending one next week. Nothing has come up so far but as we're looking at such a narrow range of LOs we're not expecting to necessarily find a child that quickly but keep hoping anyhow!!


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## liveinhope

We are all done other than H&S check on 12th August. We've agreed we are looking for a little girl under 2 years so know our options might be more limited.  Our SW says she's not going to look for any matches until we are approved on 25th September, mainly because our DS1 starts school in September and they don't want to take away from that occasion.  We'll see... If Im honest Im starting to think about our daughter now - this weekend we are decorating spare room and ordering furniture....so exciting


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## Arrows

We're technically going to approval looking for a child aged 0-2, either gender with a 'suitable age gap' between them and our son who is currently 2yrs 7mths. Our authority wants a 2yr gap. 

In reality we're looking for a girl aged 0-12mths


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## liveinhope

Its exciting isn't it Arrows!!


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## Arrows

Yes but not quite so emotional as last time -so much more picky this time that I expect it to take longer. I am looking forward to going to the profile evening next Tues but at the same time, keep thinking -why isn't our SW finding us a baby herself?! Tbh I'm sure she's looking but just wish she was better at communicating with us!


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## liveinhope

I know what you mean Arrows. First time round you are waiting for your life as a parent to start.  This time whilst we are waiting we have a lot going on and a lot of happiness from our DS so the expectation level's not so high!


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## watakerfuffle

Hello 

Not much to report from me. Finished stage one of process fairly swiftly but been waiting a while for a SW to start stage 2   the home visits. Life fairly hectic at the mo with a new better job for my husband and an impending house move so actually I am not to worried about the delays as it gives us chance to get sorted. Our age range will also be 0-12 months and we are also considering foster to adopt


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## purplexed

Good luck everyone, it all sounds very positive for you all. Fingers crossed!
Our initial meeting didn't go too well. We're with a VA and she basically told us that there is a nationwide shortage of babies so we might be better off going with an LA for no.2. This means starting again from the beginning with our assesment which is pretty daunting! Not sure whether to stick with our VA, get approved in November and hope more babies become available soon or go with our LA knowing we won't even be approved until Feb/March and then have no guarantees anyway!
Any advice would be most welcome


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## AoC

Wish I knew what to suggest, purplexed, but we haven't started our second go yet.  Hugs!  I hope she's exaggerating about the shortage, as we'd like to go younger this time.

We've had a couple of health scares with grandparents recently (both still active) and I think it's time we made a move and got on with it.  One GP in particular probably won't be around for too many more years  and if we delay to cope with that we'll be too old.  The uncertainty just makes me want to move forward.


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## watakerfuffle

Yay things are on the move again for us, exciting. We have being told that most babies in our LA our going into the foster to adopt scheme. A friend who is a fc who normally takes in babies was saying that there don't seem to be any going into foster care as they are going straight to potential adopters on the foster to adopt. Not sure if that is correct or not though but we are considering it but will find out more now things are moving again :O)


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## purplexed

AOC, you should definitely get the ball rolling now. If there is a national shortage of children it may take a while to find a match!
I just had some good news, finally managed to talk to someone in our LA and apparently we can skip to stage 2 even though we adopted through a VA before!!! She's sending us the registration form and says we could be approved 6 months from today!!!
She also said that they have quite a few babies at the moment...woooooooo!!!


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## Kaytie

Hi,
We're also planning on adopting again. Home study took 3 months and we're going to panel soon. Our DS is 3 and there needs to be at least a 2 year gap between him and new brother/sister. 
We had to wait 2 years after our DS was placed before we were allowed to apply again. Then we had to wait on a SW becoming available. We are with our LA again, were also told to expect a long wait of at least 6-9 months after approval, due to the restricted age group we need to look at.
I also find that I'm not as emotional as the last time around, it's strange. I guess it's right to say that we were going to become parents the last time, and now we are aware of the good, the bad and the, well let's call it the 'not so pretty' lol. But we are very much behind our decision and are excited to have another addition in the near future.
Just wanted to wish you all good luck for the next steps ahead.

K xx


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## liveinhope

Kaytie the restrictions put on you were pretty much the same as us! we have panel in September and expecting a long wait after that. Lets hope we are wrong!


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## watakerfuffle

Have a panel date for September   Very exciting. I thought we would have ages to wait but SW now full steam ahead as we have been delayed so far so that's great. Also been told there are lots of babies coming through LA but most going through foster to adopt but we are keen to go down that route anyway.


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## purplexed

That's great news waterkafuffle! The SW I spoke to yesterday said they like to do AP and MP on the same day now.  That means you could be a mummy before Christmas! Keep us updated on your progress and good luck xx


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## Kaytie

Yes, Liveinhope, it'd be nice to be wrong under the circumstances   .


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## AoC

We've started the ball rolling.  

Any tips on the new process for second timers?  I'm just wondering what of our paperwork we need to review?

I've been told that it's more of 'an appendix' to our previous application, and should take 4 months to approval, but I'm very prepared for a longer wait to match.  Ideally we'd like to be bringing someone home next spring, so we're not in a hurry.  If it's delayed much past that we'll have to rethink, as Bug will be starting school Sept 2015.

They won't have an adoption SW in place with our VA locally until Aug/Sept, so they're sending info, and I'm thinking about what we need to review/prepare to hit the ground running when they do.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.


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## Kaytie

Hi AoC

First of all congrats on taking the first steps and deciding to adopt again.

Our home study took around 3 months with 8 meetings in total. It was an update on our previous home study and report, based on being a family now, rather than just a couple.

It'll mainly look at how you think you'll prepare yourselves and your LO for the changes ahead when the new child is placed with you. How do you think your LO will react, how are you going to prepare him? Also, how can you help the new child to settle, bond, build attachments. How will you deal with conflict, any pressures, any regression.

It reflects on how you parent now, what you have learned since the first placement. What has your experience been like so far, and of course why you want to adopt again. And most importantly, what sibling are you considering ie boy/girl, age, etc.

You'll also need to discuss your matching criteria again, which may be different now that you have your son to consider as well. Also, what support system do you have in place, will it work for two kids?

We found the second home study to be fairly straight forward, intense but on a good level. It really got us thinking about the important preparation/possible challenges of bringing another little one into our unit.

This is all I can think of just now, need to dash, but hope it helps. I'm sure other people on here can give more info too.

Good luck, I hope you don't have to wait too long and that all goes well.

Kaytie


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## AoC

Thanks, Kaytie, that's really helpful.


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## Arrows

Tbh, ours has been a total joke. I updated the PAR myself, emailed it over. we had 1 meeting and virtually nothing was said at all. We're supposed to be at panel 14th Aug but we'll see.

Yesterday I had the bad news that due to my Zero hours contract, they may not give me any work at all next year, which means not only wouldn't we be able to afford to eat day to day but that we'd be ineligible for adoption pay (even if I did find another job) and not be able to afford a 2nd child as not eligible for any benefits whilst a child is on placement, only once AO is granted. I'm so upset but at the minute I won't find out where I stand until after panel, just before the new term starts so everything is up in the air. 
The plan at the minute is to go for approval panel then deal with whatever comes afterwards when we know what's going on for certain -we'll just have to trust God that He is in control and that everything happens for a reason.

Feeling very down and fed up at the minute and rather let down by people.


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## Maccer

Hello, 

Can I join you all?  We started the process in June.  We have just had our one day workshop and have had our medicals and DBS's done.  It seems to be going really smoothly and I am thrilled as the first time round it took nearly 2 years to get to panel.  We have extended stage 1 just because we are going away for 2 weeks at the end of August and so will begin stage 2 in September, our SW is talking about getting us to panel by December.  Very exciting!  
After our workshop our SW sent us the new version of the PAR, so I can cut and paste from our old one,  we do need to do a serious cull on words though, our last one was very long.

I found this site really useful and supportive during the process for our little man so looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.

Maccer xx


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## AoC

Arrows, that absolutely sucks, I'm so sorry.    I do find that often these setbacks in life look a hell of a lot worse in the first shock than they turn out to be.  I'm hoping and praying that the right options come your way, and you find a good way through.  Even a better way than now.    (((((hugs))))))  It's so scary in the meantime, though.  Be kind to yourself.

Hi Maccer.    Good luck!


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## Arrows

Everything came to a head over the past few days. Totally lost it with LO Sunday morning after constant screaming. Broke down in front of another adopter who then emailed last night to say (as she is often a panel member) she doesn't think we should go to panel and she was gonig to report us to the panel advisor. We were devastated, emailed back to reassure her, which thankfully seemed to work, then felt obligied to email and explain things to our SW who said that they fully support our application and our option to go for panel whenever we feel ready and she understands I think out loud (which the other adopter didn't realise) so understood fully. The upshot is that we've made the decision to delay panel until October in order to learn and implement new behaviour management strategies with LO and get some de-stress techniques for me!
Don't get me wrong, normally LO is a delight and everything generally is fine, he's thriving, I'm just not coping well with the tantrums.
Had utter hysterics from LO this morning -10mins cause I told him off for pouring apple juice all over the wooden toy his friend was playing with, then another 20mins hysterics after I got cross (I overreacted a bit) because during the first 10mins he'd then urinated on his irreplaceable teddy bear whilst holding it between his legs (not on purpose). I had ignored the first 10mins, then tried to stay calm during the next 20mins as I knew I'd overreacted, I said I could see he was upset and cross that I'd taken his bear away to be cleaned. I hugged him rather than put him in time out, and tried soothing him using lullabies and shhhh, shhhh. During which time he threw himself backwards, hitting a train he'd left on the sofa with his already bruise head from an earlier incident. Eventually he calmed down (heaven knows how) but as nothing I try seems to work it makes sense to get support before this becomes worse.


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## Forever mummy 😀

Hi everyone,


Hope u don't mind me gate crashing. Our son came home to us in September last year and AO was granted march this year. We are hoping to adopt number 2 next year. Our SW new that we were planning on adopting again next year, and is going to resume being our SW for baby no:2 as she already knows us so well.she is currently on maternity leave until January 2015 so we are waiting till then to start the ball rolling.
Was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how long the process takes 2nd time round, what to expect, do we have to go through the whole process again?


Would really appreciate some advice.
Many thanks.
Lou x


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## AoC

Hi Lou, and welcome.    You might want to read back a few posts, as I asked the same question recently.  

Well, we've had acknowledgement contact back from our VA that we're going again.  She was very positive and helpful, and reiterated that we'd be 'fast tracked' and should look to be approved in 16 weeks or so.  I'm not pinning my hopes on it, as I know things in our own lives can slow things down just as much as paperwork delays!

She said we'd have to have our medicals redone if they were more than 2 years old (which I think they are) and that prep this time will be a one-day course.

She's going to get in touch with an adoption SWer outside our area (in our area they're currently recruiting, though their new Adoption Practice Manager starts on the 4th) just to check if there's any useful homework we could be doing, but I think we'll mostly concentrate on the Grand House Tidy and Clear Space.

*shudder*  I remember this from getting ready for Bug.  It took months....  ggg


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## AoC

PS - I never thought I could be this happy to lose my office... it's going to be second child bedroom.


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## Forever mummy 😀

AoC thanks, just read bk.
Process seems a lot quicker. Only thing that I'm worried about is the references, do they still have to visit them? My friend did it for me last time but since then we don't speak much as she has grown apart from me since my little boy came home. She was jealous of my family members seeing him before her.....I'm a quiet girl who likes to keep myself to myself. We were in the army while going through ivf and ppl were very cruel towards me and since then I find it hard to let ppl in and trust ppl. So I don't really have close friends. I'm worried about finding a reference again, and this will go against us adopting again   
Lou x


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## AoC

I don't know, Lou, it's something I'd like to know about, too.  I'd say our support network has changed, and in some ways I'd be glad if they revisited references, because I've got a couple of mum friends which I didn't have before, and our support network was a bit weak first time round. 

Have you made any mum friends since your boy came home?  I'll confess I didn't really connect with mums until Bug had been home 7 months or so, and it was tentative to start with.


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## liveinhope

We had our references re visited


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## AoC

But could you change who were referees, liveinhope?


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## liveinhope

Yes you could but ours stayed the same.  Certainly our support network has changed since DS came along which was reflected in our report


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## Forever mummy 😀

AoC I haven't really made Any mum friends since I've had him. I speak to some ppl when I see them out or we talk on ** but that's about it. I ask ppl over but always got excuses.


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## Kaytie

Hi,

We changed one of our referees, a new good friend I made through our LO. It was encouraged as a positive by SW, but we could have gone with previous referees.

Good luck, I'm sure it'll work out. Just discuss it with your SW.


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## AoC

Can I recommend this? http://www.baaf.org.uk/bookshop/we-are-fostering A post adoption support SWer recommended it, as although it's focussed on foster care, it's a really good resource for practical activities and worksheets for children about to have a sibling, one way or another.

Thanks Liveinhope and Kaytie. 

I'm a mummy - keep trying.  We have a little bit further to go, because as adoptive mums we're not automatically plugged into the same networks as the one's who bring their babies home from hosp. I can remember being miserable because I was struggling to make mum friends, but I persevered and then it came together. (((((hugs)))))

/links


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## Poppets Mammy

Hi guys, I have a question - however I think I know the answer but thought I'd put the feelers out.

We want to adopt again next year but I don't think we'll be able to unless we move to a bigger house which our finances won't allow at present. We live in a cottage so all rooms are on the ground floor. We currently use our 3rd bedroom as a dining/play room. To convert it back to a bedroom would reduce our general living space down too much so don't see that as a suitable option really. It's gonna be a good few year before we can afford to move. 

As I understand it all newly placed children need their own bedroom (I understand and agree with this). My question to you guys who are already in the process 2nd time round is do you think they would consider approving us for a young baby who would be small enough to be in a cot in our room until an appropriate time (they are old enough and the kids are comfortable enough with each other & AO granted etc) where the kids could share??

I think I'm just grasping at straws really but thought I'd ask. Poppets very keen for a younger sibling, we would love another child, Poppets starting school Sept (which is breaking my heart, gonna miss her so much)  and I'm feeling frustrated that our hurdle to expanding our family is a lack of a spare bedroom/financial restriction on moving


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## Arrows

Poppets Mammy, yes, as far as I understand they'll probably be okay with it but may limit you to a specific gender. They like a baby under a year to be in your room with you anyhow so as long as you have A room available to become their bedroom it's fine.

Nice to see so many on here!

So far with our delay story:
- LO's behaviour is still horrible but I'm dealing with it better so not worried about it in terms of moving forward
-Looking unlikely at the minute that they're giving me any teaching hours but thinking about what compromises I can make to take on some hours outside of the times I said originally in case that'll help. We can afford to live on just one salary with benefits but as we wouldn't receive them during placement we might need financial support during that time.

However, we've another twist in our story.
-I'm been feeling unwell the past couple of weeks with a suspected UTI (I need to pee every 30-60mins -driving me nuts!). The first round of antibiotics didn't work so called doctor again yesterday and she prescribed me a longer course pf treatment but asked me to do a pg test to rule it out. Well it turns out I'm 5wks pregnant! 
As I've lost both previous pregnancies at 5.5wks I'm not getting over excited but at some point we'll have to let our SW know. We're thinking at 8wks (if I make it) as 12wks is 2days before we're due at panel.

Any thoughts?!


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## Poppets Mammy

Thanks Arrows and Wow congratulations - that really is a twist of events isn't it. I think your right to wait a few weeks. Hope everything works out for you.

Xx


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## crazyspaniel

Wow Arrows! Will keep everything crossed that things work out for you  

I think 8 weeks would be a good time to tell sw x


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## Anjelissa

Huge Congratulations Arrows  
I hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you and that all goes well  

The very same thing happened to 2 lots of our friends, both of whom had ttc for many many years.
It's so strange how things turn out sometimes isn't it  

Anj x


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## Belliboo

Wow Arrows congratulations on your lovely news, I understand you being cautious though I agree maybe tell them at 8 weeks & as the others have said lets hope next few weeks go quickly for you xx


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## AoC

Poppets Mammy - I'd just contact the agency and ask.    You've got nothing to lose in just asking.  

Oh jeez, Arrows, what a dillema!  Congratulations first!    I can totally understand your not wanting to celebrate yet, but you never know.    (((((hugs)))))  I think your plan is fine.  

We've got a date in the diary!  The adoption manager (new in post) will be coming out to meet us on 15th Sept, although the adoption SWer won't be in post yet at that point.  At least we can discuss what's involved and what we can be getting on with.  In the mean time we'll try and get the house in order.  

Does everyone else switch between being really excited and stomach-churningly terrified?  When money's tight or Bug is pressing my buttons, I think we must be mad to think anyone would let us go again.  Then, in another moment, I'm raring to go.  :-/


----------



## EverHopefulmum

Hi Everyone, hope you don't mind me asking a question.


We bought home LO number 1 in march - everything has gone exceptionally well in terms of attachment. We just got the adoption order, with celebration hearing in 3 weeks. We asked SW when we would be able to apply again & She said not until at least 2 years after the order. I feel pretty devastated tbh as this is way out of our timelines.....now i don't want to offend anyone but i'm going to be 40 next year & feel old. I have been trying to have family 8 years already......i can't have spent a whole decade of my life, with everything on hold while I'm chasing a family. If BM of LO got pregnant they would approach us immediately so I think this policy is BS.....what are other peoples experiences?


----------



## Arrows

Different places state different timeframes. 
West Berkshire state at least 1 year from adoption order being granted and a 2yr minimum age gap between children. 
Reading state at least 1 year from order but your older child must be at least 4yrs old when you re-apply.
Swindon state at least 2 years from order I think.
Lincoln state at least 1yr from order and at least 1 year age gap.

Everywhere is different and it really depends on the age of your child, what their needs are and where you are at as a family. 

(ignoring my rather pleasant surprise which has totally halted everything)
We were ready to submit paperwork and only 2wks from panel when they stopped us because they felt they didn't have enough evidence that we were settled having moved house 6mths prior and that LO was settled at his new nursery. That delayed us by 2 months. Then we had to delay ourselves because LO suddenly became a complete monster child!! He found the transition from me working 4 days a week to being home all the time in summer really difficult and completely flipping out any time any visitors came to the house so we had already had to delay by a further two months.

I know our circumstances have now altered but I wish that in terms of adoption, we'd just  waited a little longer till everything was settled in the first place, then it would have been so much easier!


----------



## GERTIE179

Our SW said we could look to start 1yr after AO (this was before lil man came home as we wanted to know), another SW from same team told me at least 2yrs after AO & they'd really want LO in school but yet they don't have same rules when it's a sibling.

If you think it's right for your family then shop around but do bear in mind like Arrows, your LO could just be starting in a phase that means he would find it hard to tolerate a new child at home. By 4/5yrs their understanding is much better than at 2-3.5yrs where they worry more over small things that you don't see/appreciate.
X x


----------



## littlepoppy86

To me it is total BS they'd place a sibling after first child with even an 11month age gap but then as to adopt again you new to wait 2-4 years..

There's always a lot of irony I find, we was told to cancel our first family holiday because it's distrupting yet wanted us to all stay as a family in a 1 roomed hotel for a week for intros with the same child that would find it distrupting going on a fun holiday in their own room!


----------



## Loopylou29

It's not often I say this but .......... In defence of sw they are spot on. We had an 18 month gap between ds1 and ds2 coming home. They are siblings.

Ds1 had just really settled and things were ticking along nicely as a family of 3. It is very difficult explaining to a 3yr old about a sibling, especially when that sibling is elsewhere. Ds1 had pregnant nursery teachers so it was confusing for him. 

His whole world was turned upside down as he remembers being in fc.

It was very difficult trying to balance both boys needs and they are fairly straightforward placements.

Frustrating it maybe but there are very good reasons for it.


----------



## GERTIE179

littlepoppy86 said:


> To me it is total BS they'd place a sibling after first child with even an 11month age gap but then as to adopt again you new to wait 2-4 years..
> 
> There's always a lot of irony I find, we was told to cancel our first family holiday because it's distrupting yet wanted us to all stay as a family in a 1 roomed hotel for a week for intros with the same child that would find it distrupting going on a fun holiday in their own room!


Each to their own LP - but I have to agree with the SWs - My LO has been home 21 months and if we go away hes in with us and we keep a very rigid structure but even then its quite stressful for him (with some fun times). So by saying your little one would be in their own room and having a fun holiday is maybe how the SWs felt you weren't seeing what they were getting at. Sorry if I've picked you up incorrectly but from how I read it - I would agree with the SWs (I don't always do that).
x x


----------



## littlepoppy86

What I mean is we need to do intros for Los birth sibling (11months age gap 5 months between placement of first lo) & they want us crammed in a hotel room for 7 nights...Then in the next sentence they say our family cottage holiday is distrupting, to me being crammed in a travel lodge not daring to use the loo in the night or speaking to my husband & no tv on past his bedtime & him in a travel cot is the distrupting time...


----------



## AoC

I'll be 41 or 42 (depends how long it takes) when our second LO comes home, and Bug will be 4 or 5, and we will have been trying for a family for 11 or 12 years.  We wouldn't have done it before then, as Bug simply wouldn't have been settled enough or old enough to understand.

It never occurred to me before you mentioned it that the policy might be weird.  But contrasting it with how they handle siblings it certainly looks odd.  But I guess that the risks of an early second placement are outweighed by the advantages of keeping siblings together.

You could ask around and see if the policy varies locally.  I think two years post AO is harsh - one year and a two year age gap seems more reasonable.

Good luck!

Can you tell them that you'll have him in the room with you on your cottage holiday, Littlepoppy, would that overcome their objection?  I'd totally keep him in the room with me when away from home that early in placement, but it's hard work.  (((((hugs)))))


----------



## GERTIE179

MMmm just a different perspective - I can see that will be such a nuisance and upheaval (can they not shorten the intros if baby is very young anyway?) BUT.... the thinking might be a Holiday cottage will feel like a different home to LO, whereas staying in one room with everyone together means he will see it for what it is?

Of course the cynical side is also saying it could be cost related if SS are footing the bill.

I was worried about our first holiday away as it was a Log cabin and worried LO would feel it was a new house - he actually took to it very easily (I think because he had been in a caravan before and it had a similar feel just a bit bigger).

7days in a Travel lodge will be very difficult too to keep your LO's routine and structure around meals etc so I could see the case for arguing for what you want. No easy answer and sometimes SWs are set in their opinions 
x


----------



## littlepoppy86

Sorry for the confusion, it's #1 LO who is in his own room when we go away...sibling lo#2 would defo be in our room as only baby. 

Ss for #2 have suggested during intros we either leave #1 with relative (err no! He's been placed 6months) this is why I find it ironic that a cottage break is to be cancelled but it's ok I either leave with relative or squash in a hotel during a 7day intro schedule x

Anyone whose had #2 have any advice for how intros work?! #1 is only 13months so desperately need self catering, where do we keep his milk cold an feed him etc!!


----------



## Arrows

Little poppy, that does sound really difficult and cramped. Sounds funny, but is there a campsite nearby your intros? You can get heated two bedroom static caravans which would at least give you and your hubby breathing space at night to relax and spend time with your new bub, when LO 1 still has a little room to themselves. Really difficult situation for you -how soon after intros were you going on holiday anyhow?


During the intro bit when everything is in transition anyhow and there's upheaval the new LO will be already shaken up, but in terms of a holiday after placement I guess it's more about him just getting familiar with the change to your place, then going someplace new and him getting worried about more change? Given the age of your first LO I'd be more concerned about leaving him with a stranger at this point too!
I must admit we went away for a few days to my parents with our LO in our room only 2mths after placement (SWs not happy with us) but we pointed out that we were together in the same room, I was still doing all the care and that he's been skyping my parents daily since his arrival! He was a little unsettled on our return but he didn't sleep at night anyhow so made very little difference to us either way! He was 13mths at that point.


----------



## littlepoppy86

About 3 months after placement  arrows...

For first LO we had him home 2 months then went away for the weekend with him in his own room so to keep same as home but he's very young so wasn't fussed about it at all...

Very good idea about the campsite!!!! I shall google


----------



## MummyElf

LP our intros with no.2 were as you describe - 16 month old DD squashed into a hotel room with us and doing intros with 4 month old DS in the day. There's no good way of saying this - it was hell. But there was no alternative. I would never have left DD with a relative during that time, she had been home only 4 months herself and would have been in a state had we been away for 5-6 days then turned up with another baby. It was a really ****ty week of intros to be honest


----------



## EverHopefulmum

Thanks everyone & apologies -  I've calmed down a bit now.

Just upset as originally we wanted to go for siblings & were talked out of it by SW as none available at the time. But at the time we were told we could re-apply 1 year after AO. 

Then recently we were told 2 years after coming home & then just now 2 years after AO. I'm not talking about wanting to reapplying immediately. But given will have been home 8 months at Celebration hearing thats a long difference. I think having a one fits all policy is ridiculous when every case is so different & they break their own rules when they feel like it. I also feel a bit offended when you even ask a respectful question they seem to imply that i don't want or know what is best for LO no. 1 - we are just a case number to them & we are a family so clearly i want & will know better than anyone what is best for my family. x


----------



## littlepoppy86

Ever hopeful you are right it should be on a case by case basis. What is right for one family isn't fornanother. You know as a mummy what's best for your family  

X


----------



## AoC

Hugs, EverHopeful.  I do wonder if that SWer had a slip of the tongue and it might be 2 years from placement, not AO?  I hope so.  You're right, they only see us in certain ways, like files, rather than real lives and you know best for your family.


----------



## AoC

I just caught myself calling the adoption manager, ahead of our meeting on Monday, to check she wasn't allergic to cats.  *shaking my head*  Ah, the neuroticism has begun again...


----------



## GERTIE179

Lol AoC - what are we like?!?
Ever - totally agree why should u be made to feel like you don't know what's right for your family. That being said like AoC, I feel had we tried to start 1yr after LO being home we would have had major fall out from little guy as SWs coming into his house would've really upset him. Just our own personal thing.
X x


----------



## Macgyver

Our la has told us we can reapply after lo has been home a year which is in a couple of weeks. But saying that lo was only home 10 weeks when we were asked to consider a cousin of his which had just had a po granted. (We felt horrible but said no at the time, it wouldn't have been fair on our lo as he wasn't quite settled) so I guess if something comes up in the meantime you may get a sibling earlier. We did have a call from lo sw to say their were rumours bm was expecting and would we consider it if a po was granted. We did say yes but it turns out is was just rumours and she wasn't pregnant.
We now said we are going to wait until march next year then enquire again about a sibling for our lo.
If it was just me I would do it now but dh wants me to be back at work for a bit to re stock savings which have been hammered by me taking a year off.


Good luck ever hopeful xxx


----------



## AoC

I'm terrible, Gertie!  

The thing is, our house is old and, um, quite shabby.  We love it, and everyone who visits says how comfortable it is, and I think it's perfect for a child because it's big, and spacious, toys and kids' stuff are welcome in every room and it absorbs bumps and scuffs with graciousness.    It's a house with a great, and loving soul. 

And spiders the size of my fist, but that's another story.

Chances are, if Bug started drawing on the walls with crayons, I'd probably join in...

But when I'm nudged off my balance by worrying how someone else will see it, or it gets too untidy or there are too many half-finished jobs, I stop seeing the good stuff and start fretting about the cat scratches on the armchair and the door needing re-painting....

Neurotics R Us.


----------



## liveinhope

We have panel tomorrow - that's come round quickly!


----------



## Anjelissa

Lots of luck liveinhope  , and happy celebrating tomorrow 

Anj x


----------



## Arrows

Good luck LiH!


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## GERTIE179

Best of luck LiH - I'm sure you'll not need it  x


----------



## watakerfuffle

Hope you have a good panel experience tomorrow LIH, good luck    My husband and I are coming to the end of our second adoption process, panel next month! Exciting times for all of us adopting for a second time. So much more chilled about it all this time round though not sure I will feel like that once panel day comes!!!


----------



## liveinhope

It was a really bizarre panel.  The chair more or less told us we were approved before we went in.  WE ARE APPROVED AGAIN!  Now we wait for our little girl to find us!


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## AoC

CONGRATULATIONS, LH!  Exciting times now....


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## Anjelissa

Congratulations LIH 
Lots of luck for news really soon 

Anj x


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## Belliboo

Congratulations live in hope xxx


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## Arrows

Great news LiH! Roll on the next one -who knows -you'll probably end up with a 2nd before mine arrives!!


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## watakerfuffle

congratulations


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## liveinhope

Girls I need to tell someone! we are being considered for a 6month old little pink!  Cant believe it.  There is another possible couple too so one of us will be disappointed.  Was really not expecting anything so quickly.  We find out the end of next week if we are in the running


----------



## Anjelissa

OOOH LIH, I bet you're bursting with excitement!  
Ours happened that quickly too (we found out about our little man days after being approved, and little lady the very same day of approval ), it felt very much 'meant to be' 

I have everything crossed for you 

Anj x


----------



## Arrows

Great news LiH!!! Will keep fingers crossed for you!


----------



## AoC

OMG!  Wow, LiveinHope!!!  Keeping everything crossed for you.    You're giving ME hope.


----------



## Kaytie

Wow, fingers crossed lih. Good luck x


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## littlepoppy86

Wow LiH that's fab & so quick  

I'm so anxious for intros with our 15month for their 5m sibling ! Really really don't want to be cooped up in a travel lodge for 6nights!!! X


----------



## AoC

We've heard from the adoption manager that our SWer is in post and should be in touch next week for an appointment.    Fingers crossed....


----------



## panorama

Hello! Haven't posted here in ages but we just got approved on Monday for no 2 so the waiting has now begun   


Unfortunately nothing on the horizon right now, been sent a link to the consortium and there are no suitable babies at the moment so hopefully one will come up through our LA soon, although expecting it to be nixed year sometime. 


Exciting but not getting too excited just yet!


Good luck all xx


----------



## GERTIE179

That's super Panaroma. Fingers crossed for you x


----------



## liveinhope

Hope you aren't waiting too long Panorama.  we were told of a possible LO 2 weeks ago but still waiting for more news - I forgot how frustrating the waiting was!


----------



## watakerfuffle

Congratulations panorama, I've got panel next week for no.2! Exciting times


----------



## Arrows

How's it going for everyone?!

I'm still being dramatically sick, lost a lot of weight and feeling crap. Will be grateful once LO arrives, and amazed at the miracle of it occurring at all but to be quite honest (and I intend no offence or upset to anyone else) -pregnancy so far utterly sucks! I was totally happy with our decision to adopt again and accepting of all the ups and downs that come with it. I was not prepared for pregnancy and certainly not for feeling this awful. I have experienced no glow, no enjoyment barr the scan. I can't eat or drink much, I throw up most of the things I do manage and I struggle through each day in a fog of utter exhaustion. It's like a sickness bug with the exhaustion of intros and the first few weeks home but on a never ending basis. I swear -I am never, ever putting myself through this again!

Enough of my moaning!


----------



## liveinhope

Sorry you feeling grotty Arrows! It will all be worth it

A bit in limbo here as waiting to hear more about possible LO - its been nearly a month now.  Forgot about the waiting part!


----------



## Anjelissa

Congratulations panorama  
Fingers crossed that you have some exciting news really soon  

Arrows.....I'm so sorry to hear how rough you've been feeling  
A friend of mine recently had a similar pregnancy and I really felt for her as it's such a long time to be feeling so rough, I hope it eases for you soon 

Anj x x


----------



## watakerfuffle

That's a shame that you are feeling so ill Arrows and can't enjoy your pregnancy. Hope you start to feel better soon  

We got approved at panel last week   but now the waiting game


----------



## Arrows

The good thing is that Im at my folks and my dad does NLP for a living. Had a session this morning and hopefully now fixed and i can get on with enjoying and living now!


----------



## AoC

Hope you feel much better soon, Arrows.    (((((hugs)))))  I really feel for you.


----------



## liveinhope

They are coming to see us about LO next Tuesday!  There is another couple being considered too


----------



## Arrows

Oooh! Fingers crossed for you LIH!


----------



## liveinhope

House tidied and safetied.  Prepared mentally (I think!)  Im at work this morning then visit about LO this afternoon.  Feeling nervous - already convinced myself its a No!


----------



## Arrows

Good Luck! If it's meant to be, then it will happen. Be honest about who you are and the ups and downs of adopting your son and they'll hopefully find a realistic Mum and Dad who understand the real joys and hardships of being parents but wouldn't want it any other way.


----------



## liveinhope

Thanks arrows


----------



## Arrows

How did it go Liveinhope?


----------



## liveinhope

It went well. SW was happy with our answers.  we are in a competitive match and the other couple are being visited tomorrow.  They have no other children so I reckon that will mean LO goes to them.  Will know the outcome on Friday so not too long to wait.

Thanks for asking Arrows, I will let you know....


----------



## AoC

Hugs and fingers crossed, Livein!

I need a pep talk.

I'm already feeling really negative about this second time around, just in terms of the assessment.  We're having to do twice as much work as last time, when I thought it was supposed to be easier?!  Last time our SWer did most of the paperwork, after detailed interviews with us.  This time, we have to do it all ourself - chronology, Safe Care Plan (WTF?), medicals prep, DBS, budget, pet assessments, home safety checklist etc etc.  Most of the forms have changes, so we can't use what was produced last time round.

They won't do referees' follow up interviews by phone and won't travel, so we're having to change our referees.

My employer can't provide estimates of my adoption leave pay, so we're going to have to work that out from scratch, and my pay situation is complicated.

I really didn't like the "this is all nonsense" attitude among other adopters first time round.  Now I've got it myself and I don't like MYSELF.  

Please someone give me a rocket up the butt.  I need my positivity back.  

I ENJOYED assessment last time.  This time it just feels like a stupid chore.  

Sorry to have a pity party.  :-/


----------



## Arrows

That is an awful lot of work to do! We did a fair few of those things ourselves the first time but mainly because our SW was brand new and so slow at doing everything that we wanted to chivvy her along! 
I disagree with the reference issues though. It is a fact that many of us travel and have family and friends all over the country! We suggested Skype for this time around and they were very happy with that it didn't get done in the end as they seemed to do very little this time around (we'd completed the 2nd paperwork and assessment before finding out about our 'surprise'). 

My pay is complicated too as I'm an hourly paid lecturer on a zero hours contract, so I just went on SAP as that's the minimum we'd have, to be able to budget properly. Very happy to send you the work we've done if that helps?!

Looking at the positives: Our journey took almost 2yrs to get from applying to Approval, in a similar way to yours. We know it can suck but it's worth it. You already KNOW the ups and downs of adopting and what that brings. You KNOW you are good parents and the right child would be lucky to have you as their family. If you do the paperwork, there's less waiting around on your SW faffing about and no getting frustrated/ furious about them not doing it. You know that if you do them, you'll get the facts right rather than 'lost in translation' as often happens.

Hugs xx


----------



## AoC

It's okay, we'd never manage on just SAP (I earn quite a bit more than my husband) so without the quite good OAP package we couldn't do it.  I'll manage it, it's just I don't like working with numbers because it makes me feel bad (long story!) so I really wanted some help.

Yeah, I'm cross about the references.  It seems that some of the things that attracted us to this agency in the first place have changed - flexibility, paperwork, realism - and that's worrying and sad.

Thanks, Arrows, those are good positives.    I particularly like the sense that it puts us in the driving seat.  

I'm working on improving my attitude to this.  We can do it!


----------



## Kaytie

Can I also vet my frustration (there must be something in the air)

We had two wait two years before being able to be approved again for number 2.

We told SW after 1 year, then 1.5 years again, we were sure and wanted to go ahead. We're told ok, let's start when 2 years are up. Then at that point had a sudden 4 month delay to start HS. HS was then to take 3 months but took 5, plus another 2 to get to panel in July.

Not even seen a profile yet at all, been told hopefully in next 6 month. Already 3 years have passed since adopting so far....grrr. Why?
Ok, I keep telling myself, it's because our little one is not yet ready to be found. It will happen when time is right.

So far I've been ok about wait, but today I AM FRUSTRATED AND HAVING A BAD DAY!

Ok, trying to move on now...

I feel for you AOC, can totally understand your frustration, it's unfair to expect you to do the SW job (in my eyes anyway).


----------



## liveinhope

Kaytie I can so hear what you are saying! We were told to wait 2 years which we did but by the time we went to panel it was more like 2 1/2 years.  If the possible link with LO doesn't come through we have been told there is nothing within our criteria (female under 2) within our consortium or even wider so who knows how long we will be waiting.  Our son who's 4 is desperate to be a big brother and there's no way you can explain the delays to him.  People around just say "don't know why you need to be assessed again after adopting 1"  
Im probably feeling so negative because Im convinced that when our SW calls tomorrow its going to be a no and then its back to waiting..


----------



## watakerfuffle

Can I join the negative rant for us second time adopters!! Our assessment process was also drawn out with lots of work and repetition. Like one of you said because the paperwork had all changed and the process it meant there was alot of work to be done apparently! Anyway we have been approved 3 weeks now I am already very impatient and worried about how long we will be waiting for. Looking for a lo 0-18months. SW told us to start preparing our son but that's not easy when no idea on time scales. He is also very keen for a brother or sister


----------



## AoC

Oh dear, I didn't mean to start a rant-alanche.  Or a rantastrophe?  Rant-slip.  Rantplosion.

Leave it with me.  I'll figure out a good one...  ggg

Group hugs, I think.  We were ready to go in summer and I contacted the agency then, but they didn't have staff in place locally and were recruiting.  Sighs.  We could have officially started in Sept (a year since AO was granted) but didn't really start till end Oct, and they're talking about Feb panel.  I'm trying to coax them towards Jan... ggg

We'll get there, loves.  After all, we are the strongest women in the universe, right?  Tried and tested adopters?  Of course we can beat a little paperwork and bureaucracy....

And I believe our LOs are out there.  Hang on in there, beauties.  We're coming.


----------



## liveinhope

It was a no! Was kind of expecting it!  Apparently the mum in the other couple wont go back to work until LO at school!  I guess we tried 

Back to the drawing board - LOs we will find you and bring you home.....!

definitely group hugs required


----------



## AoC

I'm sorry, livein.  ((((((hugs))))))  Sometimes the adoption world just isn't fair, to be judged on such things.


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Sorry to hear that Liveinhope   Hoping you find the right LO for your family soon xx


----------



## watakerfuffle

Sorry to hear that liveinhope, big hugs


----------



## AoC

Second session tomorrow.  Eep.  We've redone our chronologies and pet questionnaires and the strange Safe Care Plan.  Tired.com.


----------



## liveinhope

Wow, what a day! After Friday's disappointment, DH and I agreed to follow up on a previous child (16 months) we had seen and been interested in but put on hold because of link.  So I emailed the social worker, and within 10 mins they replied to say they are still seeking adopters for her!  So they've already liaised with our SW and things are moving.  Our SW also said we are being considered within our agency for a little baby but its a competitive match again.

Im a bit overwhelmed by it all but sure the right thing will be clear.....!


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Wow Liveinhope, exciting times for you, I'm sure the right LO will find their way to you soon. Sounds very positive. Best wishes   Xx


----------



## watakerfuffle

Exciting news liveinhope


----------



## Kaytie

Wow, liveinhope, what a roller coaster. I'm really sorry about the negative outcome regarding your link. Wish they would not do competitive links. Luckily my LA don't do them at all, but I really feel for everyone entering into a competitive match.

Sending you lots of positive vibes for a final match this time.  

Think the group hug must have helped somewhat? Hugs right back at ya gals! 

AFM, zero news. But getting excited about Christmas and planning it all with my little man in mind. Running out of hiding places, so must remember to stop buying presents. Lol xx


----------



## Arrows

Fingers crossed for you LIH. I really hope that the right child becomes really obvious for you and it all flows smoothly from now on. 

AFM, April seems forever away at the moment. I refused to buy anything for this baby yet. It's like with when we adopted in that I don't want to stock up till it's a certainty and so I refuse to get anything till I'm in the 3rd trimester. It's feeling a bit more real now but I'm still throwing up daily. I reckon this will continue until my little man arrives!

We recently did some life story work with LO, saying that  XXXX loved all of them very much (debateable but nothing to say otherwise) but that she couldn't keep them safe so his brother and sister got a new mummy forever and he got a new mummy and daddy forever. Two weeks later he was kissing my tummy and singing to the baby, then stopped and say in all seriousness that he was going to keep his brother safe. 
It near broke my heart. I explained it was mummy and daddy's job to keep them all safe but that baby was a lucky baby to have a big brother who loved him so much.


----------



## watakerfuffle

This really is an emotional roller coaster! Attended an exchange day on sw's advice but didn't feel right being there as older children and lo's with significant needs. Started considering a lo though with more needs than we had originally considered and was wondering what to do. Anyway then from know where our own LA get in touch with potential baby for a foster to adopt placement. All early days but very exciting prospect. Feel so bad not persuing the other lo but have to go with what's right for us.


----------



## liveinhope

Watakerfuffle you have to do what's right for you.  Ive found 2nd time round to be much more emotional.  Im sure the right path will open up for you though.  Exciting times ahead!


----------



## watakerfuffle

liveinhope I have also found this second time round to be alot more emotional. Having our son's needs to consider as well makes it that much more difficult knowing if we are doing the right thing. I think what is meant to be will be though!


----------



## AoC

Good luck Water and Livein! I've found second time so far just to be more irritating... but maybe it's me that's changed.

Arrows, it's amazing what they latch on to, isn't it? We're still reeling from Bug's "Cleo [cat] was naughty, so she's going to have to go back to [foster carer]." Where do they GET this angle on it?!??!


----------



## AoC

Feels like we're making progress, here.    Brother and SIL dropped in on their way past (they live four hours away) to meet with SWer, and SWer came in to the office on Sunday to meet with them, so feeling pretty blessed by folk working for us.  

Although our SWer (who moved from LA to our VA) is still a bit "LA-ish".  Her background is post adoption support, so apparently she asked them a lot of questions about how we'll cope when our kids are teenagers... *eyeroll*  She's also wants to be confident that we'll ask for help if we need it, but happily we have a good track record there.

I think we've broken the back of the paperwork, and it's my solo meeting on Thurs.  Fingers still crossed!

Hope you're all making progress.


----------



## AoC

I have found my positivity!    Had a good 1 to 1 session with our SWer, and she mentioned that we have a date for panel - February 3rd.  Suddenly I just got a rush of excitement.    THERE it is.  

Luck to all.


----------



## watakerfuffle

Thats great AoC  

The foster to adopt route is a hard one, potential babies coming through and get put on stand by to place baby with us but then it all hangs in the balance of court decisions! So no baby as yet but do have a meeting next week regarding a baby blue. Court decisions already made and If all happy to proceed will be placed before Christmas!


----------



## AoC

Oh my goodness, everything crossed!


----------



## watakerfuffle

Thanks AoC, it's all going ahead! Intros start Friday. So exciting but in disbelief to! Don't think it will feel real until he is home


----------



## Arrows

Such brilliant news watakerfuffle!

I'm under the consultant so lots of extra scans and blood test my end because of my thyroid problem but otherwise all is going relatively well and expecting a fat bellied long baby. More than half way now. 
It does make me wonder how the birth mothers must have felt, especially those who knew that their LOs were being taken at birth. It makes me more sympathetic to their loss and at the same time incredibly angry and protective over the damage many of them do to their children by drinking and taking drugs whilst expecting.


----------



## GERTIE179

Huge congrats Waterkerfuffle - exciting times x

Arrows - glad you are feeling better and now half way there 
X


----------



## AoC

Wonderful news, Waterkerfuffle!!!

Glad things are going more smoothly for you Arrows.  

I spoke too soon.  They've bumped us to March panel because the social worker is too busy to complete the paperwork.  So much for speeded up processes for second timers.  It took us 7 months from enquiry to approval first time round.  This time it's going to take 8.


----------



## liveinhope

We've had a bit of a roller coaster of a ride and have temporarily paused - the LO we are interested in, her social worker and TM are both off sick so things cant move any further forward before Christmas! Theyre not considering anyone else though which is a bonus!


----------



## Kaytie

We have a possible match!   Can't believe it, really was not expecting it at the moment with all the usual Christmas stuff going on. Got a week to consider but think we're going to say yes as all fairly positive. Full of joy and scared out of a sudden, questioning and worrying whether it's the right decision to adopt again. Please tell me I'm not the only one experiencing this


----------



## liveinhope

Wow Kaytie, what a great Christmas present..

Our possible LO now has a new social worker and we have been sent a recent photo of her (naturally she is gorgeous!) and we are hoping that things move forward early in the New Year.  Fingers crossed eh....

Merry Christmas everyone xx


----------



## Kaytie

Best present ever! Lol
That's great news, hopefully that'll see an end to your delays and things will move more swiftly. Hang in there. How great that you got to see a photo of her. We won't get one until just before matching panel, sniff.

In my excitement I forgot to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, oops. So here goes

MERRY CHRISTMAS


----------



## AoC

Fantastic, Kaytie!  We constantly have moments of "we must be mad!" about adopting again, if that helps.  

Oooh everything crossed Livein.  

Our SWer has just found out there are two panels every month, and is going all out to get us to the second Feb one.  I appreciate her attempt, even if it doesn't work out  

Hope everyone had a good Christmas.


----------



## Kaytie

Thanks AoC, not just me then.   Got my fingers crossed for your Feb panel date so you can move to next stage xx
After beating myself up for two days, lots of soul searching and turning my head & heart inside out, I've decided to close my eyes and jump. 
Silly really, because we had done all of that before deciding to go it again, but I guess now that it's so imminent, it just comes to the surface again. At least we've worked through it from every angle we can think off.
Now we can barely hide our excitement, but keeping everything quiet until we know more and have met with SWs and FC, etc.


----------



## AoC

Good on you, Kaytie.    After two days of Bug being a superstar good boy, we're chilled again now.  It'll just take 24 hours of non-compliance and "no" deafness to make us worry again, though!  LOL!


----------



## Kaytie

Oh, yes, I know that feeling too. 
For me it's also along the lines of things finally getting easier with little one being at nursery school, things going well at work and less financial pressure.
The easy thing would be to continue on the current path, but hey where is the fun (or madness) in that lol


----------



## Arrows

lol Kaytie!
My LO is hard work but adorable when he chooses to be. Starting nursery was good in terms of stimulation and meeting new children. It was also good to have a few hours less of childcare to pay for but in all honesty, he also gets incredibly overtired and refuses to nap so we've had the worst tantrums and behaviour we've ever experienced!! 
Our LO just turned 3 but is very clever and asks a lot of questions. So far we've explained that he grew in XXX's tummy as did his two older siblings but that she couldn't keep them safe so they got new mummy and daddy's forever.
The challenges of being pregnant mean that LO is well aware of the baby growing in my tummy and that he'll soon have a little brother. This has led to a lot of insecurity and clear permanency issues so we're spending a lot of time reassuring him that he is our special big boy, that we will ALWAYS come back and never leave him. We've also had to reassure him that his baby brother will be staying forever too and we will always love and keep them both safe.
Just a heads up for those who are about to adopt again!

Hope everything goes well for everyone!


----------



## liveinhope

LO's social worker coming to see us


----------



## Kaytie

How exciting, do you have to wait long? Fingers crossed it's good news about a match for you. Good luck.


----------



## liveinhope

Appointment with lil pink's social worker is 27th Jan (a long 2 weeks away....)


----------



## Kaytie

You must be so excited but dreading the wait at the same time too. Time seems to slow down when we're waiting on more news about our potential little ones. Hang in there hun, soon you'll wake up and realise the day has arrived.

We were the same, 2 weeks to meet lil SW, but so worth it as we found outs lots more and it was a relaxed and positive meeting.

Now waiting on available times for medical adviser and FC and the MP might not be till later in March...the wait continues.


----------



## watakerfuffle

Great news liveinhope, all moving forwards for you


----------



## liveinhope

Great to hear your news Kaytie.  You're right its just a waiting game now.....


----------



## Kaytie

How's everyone getting on? More delays at our end, but hanging in there for now.


----------



## Arrows

Hope the delays aren't for too long Kaytie,

Obviously our circumstances are rather different nows but I've got 12 weeks to go (due 21st April) and my husband was made redundant a week ago so we're now in the process of job hunting and highly likely to need to sell our house and move up north within a couple of months of baby arriving. Life is not very easy.

In a way it's good that the adoption plans didn't go through as I'm fairly sure this would have put up back to the beginning and put a halt to any child we would have had in the works.


----------



## Kaytie

Liveinhope, good luck for tomorrow's appointment. Hope it goes well.

Thanks Arrows, hopefully we'll find out more soon, must admit I'm a bit gutted but trying to stay positive.
Really sorry to hear about your DH's redundancy, that's added stress you definitely don't need. I've got my fingers crossed for the job hunt, hopefully with as little stress and heartache as possible. My mum would say that a new chapter in life opens new doors...

It's just that we don't know what's headed our ways, and that makes change scary doesn't it?


----------



## AoC

Big hugs, Arrows.  Take it step by step and look for positives where you can - easy for me to say, I know.  (((((hugs)))))  Really feel for you.

Hope things move quickly, Kaytie!

Well, we're nearly done with home study, with a deadline for paperwork on Friday, and hopefully approval panel on 19th Feb.  Fingers crossed!


----------



## Arrows

Fingers crossed AoC! 

Thanks guys for being so lovely,  we're honestly fine and moving North has been something we've considered for a long time so this might just be the push we need. 
I'm currently loving my local nhs as called Monday to book a physio appt and got it for tomorrow (we'll just ignore that they lost my referral for 2wks beforehand)!

It's interesting to experience babies from both ways as there are definitely pros and cons to both. Adoption you have no real preparation for the physical toll of an infant and the sleep deprivation is a total killer, however you are otherwise fit and well and no labour and sagging boobs had to be a good thing! As adopters we know that love is nothing to do with blood although our children present such challenges and our hearts often break over how they've suffered and we deal daily with the additional needs and challenges that brings. 
With this pregnancy I've learn that for me, most of pregnancy sucks but it all seems to be the preparation we missed out on.  Throwing up for 4mths,  acid reflux,  peeing every 1-2hrs including all night long,  tossing and turning turning, loss of balance, back pain -all to me, whilst being very unpleasant,  also prepare you for what it's like with a baby once they arrive. 

Having said all this,  I still think that if we ever decide to have a third child it'll be through adoption. It's definitely not easier emotionally or in the long run but so worth every moment! 

(Please anyone who would rather I didn't mention pregnancy pm me and I'll delete)


----------



## liveinhope

Thanks for the good luck message Kaytie.  We have done as much preparation as we can.  Now all we can do is sell ourselves to the nest of our ability and hope they like us

Hope you hear something soon Kaytie

Thinking of you always Arrows - Im fine with you mentioning pregnancy, probably the closest im going to get...


----------



## panorama

Hi everyone, just a quick question.


We have seen a little girl in our consortium that sounds great. She is however a little older, will be 3 in May which would make it a 20 month difference with my son who will be 5 in September. Our la has a 3 year age gap policy which we find ridiculous but the fact is there are no younger ones available at the moment and we would like to find out more info on the little girl and at least ge considered. Our LA is saying no! 


We do know however our local LA only has an age gap policy of two years so why do they differ We are happy to take on an older child as we are a little older anyway and we feel our son will enough having an older sibling, we do not have any issues with him.


Can you let me have your experiences of the age gaps between your two children? We find it so silly that we are asking to get considered for a child who otherwise may stay in care longer and they don't even want to consider us.


Thanks! Xx


----------



## Miny Moo

Can only go on our experience, we were encouraged to go for a big a age gap as possible, our son was older at the time at 10, our LA wanted us to go for a 2-3 yr old, our daughter was 5 so a 5 yr difference, we wouldn't change her for the world, but if we knew what we knew now we would have listened and gone for the younger age as think our son would have coped much easier with that.


----------



## panorama

Hi Miny Moo


What problems did your son have? I guess he was much older so was used to being on his own? I do know we will have to deal with similar issues but I do feel my son can cope with it.


Our son is super social and plays with absolutely anyone, he is totally craving a sibling and i think would be better off with a child he could play with really. Not to say he wouldn't cope with a baby though but there just aren't any babies around at the moment and we are not getting any younger either. My back really suffered from carrying my son so I would prefer not to have to do too much carrying and the little girl sounds very settled and even though I am sure there will be issues we do feel we could offer her a lovely home. My son is starting school in september so I would have lots of time to spend with the sibling on their own and my son attends nursery every day already with no problems. Not to say they may choose another couple instead of us but would be good to at least get our details to her LA.


I do feel our LA just wants us to adopt a child from them really, I can understand why but unfortunately we are not getting any younger and we can't wait around for them forever and no children are coming up in the next 6 months, we would much prefer a girl too and they keep trying to push us into looking at boy's details even though we have said we would prefer not to see them. So not too happy with them at the moment even though they were fab the first time round and I don't want to get on their bad books. But a lot of other LA's would have no problem with it so I don't see why it varies, surely the same policy should apply to all LA's?


----------



## AoC

Arrows, what is a wonderful miracle to me is the infinite variety of ways we beat infertility again and again.    I'm happy to read your posts.    Hope the physio helps.

Panorama I think that's ridiculous - consider all the second, third sibling adoptions where there are considerably less than three years between!  I know one mum with adopted siblings nine months apart!  Our local policy and our agency policy is two years.  Good luck!  Bug is four, will be closer to five when we (hopefully) are likely to have placement, and we're looking at under two, but will probably stretch that if things take very long.

Looks like one more mopping up session on Friday.  I'm on second round of antibiotics, steroids and an inhaler for a chest infection that started on Boxing Day (although I've been sick with back-to-back bugs since October) and which has left me with ongoing breathlessness and I'm finally giving up and having time off work, so it's not a problem.  

I've actually started looking at what we need to do to the second children's room to change it from office to bedroom - I'd forgotten how ridiculously exciting that is!

I'm going to be well by panel date.  That's my goal.


----------



## liveinhope

waiting to hear today about whether we are linked to Lil pink....so exciting!


----------



## AoC

Good luck Livein!


----------



## liveinhope

Still waiting - its been torture today


----------



## panorama

Eeeekkk! Hope you hear soon Lih! Fingers crossed! Xx


----------



## Arrows

Still no news?! Hope you hear from them soon!


----------



## liveinhope

Well its a long, complicated story....yesterday we were expecting childs SW and family finder to visit.  However only family finder came due to train problems (we were told the childs SW didn't perservere with the journey) The family finder said she was authorised to make a decision about the placement following her visit. We got really positive vibes from the worker who came and although she didn't give us a definitive answer but the comments she made to us and our SW, it was clear it was going to be a yes   She said it would be confirmed today

Waited all day for the call and finally heard at 1645 from our SW.  She'd been chasing the childs FF all day for confirmation of the decision .  Eventually she got an email from Family finder saying she really liked us and thought we were a good match for lil pink   However because child's social worker wasn't present and hadn't met us she was waiting for confirmation that this decision could be made.  So basically now we are waiting to hear what happens next - if we have to wait for visit from child's sw then that will delay panel etc and ultimately getting our girl home!  I have told our social worker that I want us to be taking the lead and going back to the child's LA and asking what the plan is.  They want us adopters to advocate for our children - well I am!

So frustrating - not sure if we are linked or not and I so want us to be lil pink's parents

Definitely having some wine tonight.......


----------



## Anjelissa

I'd have more than a glass LIH!
Talk about keeping you in suspense! 
Sounds really positive though 
I have everything crossed  
Anj x


----------



## AoC

Oh that's awful, the suspense, I mean.  Otherwise it sounds really positive!


----------



## panorama

All sounds positive, good luck! 


Hope you're enjoying that glass(es) of wine! Sometimes bureaucracy can be so frustrating!


Xx


----------



## Kaytie

I agree, it does sound positive. FF is just making sure it's officially ok for her to make that decision, before moving on further down the line. However, I'm feeling your pain.

It will work out, it must!    Almost there now.


----------



## liveinhope

Still no firm decision.  It does seem that its a when not if so its just down to someone saying what needs to happen next.  Our SW has been great, working on her day off to try and sort it.  I understand that discussions are being had at a very high level so hopefully it will help the decision be quick!


----------



## AoC

Oh the suspense, livein!  I really feel for you.  (((((hugs)))))


----------



## liveinhope

we are linked to lil pink! Hopefully home in Easter holidays


----------



## GERTIE179

Fantastic news LIH xx


----------



## Arrows

Woohoo LiH!


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Congrats Liveinhope  
XxX


----------



## Kaytie

YES! Congrats xx


----------



## Anjelissa

That's wonderful news! 
Massive Congratulations LIH  
Anj x


----------



## panorama

Great news Lih!!!!


----------



## AoC

Wonderful!!!  Go you!!!


----------



## AoC

We signed off our PAR last night.    Hoping for 19th Feb panel, although yet to receive official notification!  Fingers crossed....


----------



## Arrows

Fingers crossed AoC. x


----------



## AoC




----------



## liveinhope

Good luck AoC

We now have panel date of 30/3


----------



## Kaytie

Good luck to both of you.  

We're still stuck in limbo. LO was expected to move in start of March and we're back to square one. All appointments and meetings cancelled. Nothing even pencilled in....so frustrating. Hopefully find out more later this week and it'll either be back on track or having to pull out. Jeez, silly frustration is getting the better of me just now grrr.


----------



## AoC

Oh that's hard, Kaytie.    (((((hugs))))) Hope you get clarity soon.


----------



## liveinhope

Hope things get sorted Kaytie


----------



## AoC

It's panel next week.

I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.


----------



## Wyxie

AoC said:


> It's panel next week.
> 
> I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.


It would definitely get you noticed, but I'm not sure that's the sort of impression you want to make.


----------



## Anjelissa

Wyxie said:


> AoC said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's panel next week.
> 
> I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
> 
> 
> 
> It would definitely get you noticed, but I'm not sure that's the sort of impression you want to make.
Click to expand...

lol 
I bet that would go down as a first!  
x


----------



## AoC

ROFL Wyxie!!! 

Suddenly I feel better.  gggggg


----------



## Arrows

Love Wxyie's comment!

Sorry for big 'me' post.

My DH was made redundant 4 weeks ago and after applying for a job on Monday he was invited to interview yesterday, and this morning received a call with a fantastic job offer for a position in Tunbridge Wells which he has accepted. He starts on Monday!!!

The plan is that he'll initially stay with his folks, who are around an hour away from his new workplace, during the week. However, that leaves me pretty much alone weekdays with a 3yr old, a house to do up and sell and a baby due in less than 10 weeks.
Whilst really pleased that everything is coming together, I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed, emotional and stressed with the idea of everything I'll have to deal with and particularly worried that I'll go into labour with neither my husband or mum around.


----------



## AoC

Oh big hugs, Arrows, that's really hard work - although great your DH has got a good job.  (((((hugs)))))  Can you book some friends/family to come and stay for a few days at a time?  Even just having a few sleepovers in the diary could make things seem more manageable?


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Arrows, fantastic news about DH's new job.

Can understand why your feeling stressed   it will all turn good in the end.

Do you need to be doing work to the house or can you just stick it on the market as it is, probably not ideal or what you want to do but perhaps what you should do to relieve some pressure.

Have you got good support where you are incase you need to go to hospital for checks or signs of labour etc? Just thinking of child care for your little boy incase things do happen before your DH and mam can get there.  How far away is your mam/DH?

Must be a really scary time for you, sending virtual hugs xx


----------



## Arrows

The house really does need some things doing to it as I think it'll make a big difference as to how quickly it'll sell.

We're lucky that we have lots of friends nearby who can look after our son but most have children so it would be hard for them to get awawy and come to appointments/ labour but I'm sure we can manage something. Mum lives 3hrs away and DH will be 1.5-2hrs away. I'm sure being realistic that there's almost no chance of being in labour for less than 3 hours but it's the thought, you know?!

This morning I got really upset by the idea that he'd be away all week long for a long time and yet he's been driving me nuts by getting under my feet all day. Grrr, poor guy can't win.


----------



## Kaytie

Oh Arrows, big hugs.

It's been such a worrying time for you lately and that is a big change with the birth getting closer, the stress of doing up the house to sell it, and looking after the little one by yourself. And a pregnancy and hormones to deal with to top it all off. And the worry of DH not making it home in time for the birth. It must be really getting to you. I know it would be getting to me.

Take a deep deep breath.

Some of it is the fear of the unknown, but you will soon find a routine that works for you.  Make use of your support network, it's great that you have this. You will find a way of how it'll work. It will be ok.


----------



## Kaytie

Ok, afm, I need some advice please.

We are facing at least another 3 to 5 month delay with our match to adopt again. BF solicitor using delaying techniques in court to avoid POA going through (as we all see it, but not officially of course). 

We are gutted by the delays as she was to move in around middle of March being what we thought a very straight forward case, and now it won't be until summer time assuming everything goes through at courts. We could still be left empty handed then if you know what I mean.

We also feel attached to her, when we said yes to being linked, we were committed. Now we are having to consider our options and decide if we want to walk away and ask to search for another link. Or should we just sit it out and see what happens. It's a very promising and positive link and we think she'd fit in well.

Feeling selfish to even consider walking away, but I'm no spring chicken, and we considered pulling out for good if no match by summer. We are so close, should we really walk away just because of a few months?

I know that only we can make that decision, but just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation?

Thanks x


----------



## liveinhope

Not sure I can offer anything useful Kaytie, other than my support.  We aren't in the same position but I do get what you say about feeling committed.  Our panel isn't until end of March yet already we have "claimed" our daughter and if something was to happen now which meant a delay I don't think I could walk away from her.

Its so difficult, lets hope things aren't as bad as imagined...

LIH x


----------



## panorama

Kaytie


We had a very similar situation with our son, found out about him end of March and got matched in April, then birth mum contested and we had to wait to find out until the end of June! It was hard but everyone seemed confident the PO would be granted so we decided to wait. Then birth mother withdrew her appeal a few weeks later but still had to wait till June as no sooner court date! I bought nothing until we got the PO in June but we were ready with intros starting 19th July. So was worth the wait! 


Matches seem to be few and far between at the moment especially in our area so I would wait it out if you think it will be worth it. I am a bit like you, no spring chicken so we have decided to reassess at the end of the year whether to just leave it.


Xx


----------



## Arrows

My son is 3yrs old and constantly on the go so almost no chance of a rest at all but here's hoping a miracle occurs and he starts being nice instead of the current little monster he's been since the redundancy. I'm expecting it to get worse with DH now mostly gone and the upcoming changes with baby and moving house.

Currently being a total little sh*t. So far this in the whole hour and a half he's been awake he's: hit me, pinched me, attacked and tormented the cat, lied to me, thrown cushions, headbutted me, climbed on the sofa, refused to take shoes off and jumped from chair to chair, throw loads of things on the floor and refused to obey anything I've asked. Currently he's not getting tv, pudding, a bedtime story or a bath and I must admit he's had a tap on the bottom for deliberately hitting the cat with a hard piece of train track, kicking and throwing things at the cat.

This is not looking like a good day so far...


----------



## panorama

Oh dear, poor you, boys can be little monsters! 


Hope things get better soon xxxxx


----------



## Kaytie

Poor you Arrows. Sounds like one of those days where you just can't win. Does he maybe know that something's up and it's reflected in his behaviour? Hope your day turned into something better.

LIH, thanks for your support. I totally get what you've said about claiming. Don't know about you, but we haven't even seen a picture yet, just got a little info on her character and boom, she's in our hearts. We've decided we can't walk away either, even if head says so, but heart is just ignoring head.   

Panorama, I'm sorry to hear that you also faced delays with your first one. Your timescales sound similar to ours and I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end. It's so hard isn't it? Really interesting that you also advise to sit it out, that's what we're going to do. Good luck with finding a match this year. Did you manage to get more information about the little girl you were interested in in the end.?

Going to use the time and try to focus on better eating and getting fitter. Also need to do some training at work. Anything really to keep busy I guess. But I honestly am so very gutted!


----------



## AoC

Sorry for me post - I need a hug.

Our panel is on Thursday, and at the moment there's a real chance my Mum might die before then.  It shouldn't be happening, it's the legacy of a hospital acquired infection which hasn't resolved, but I'm very selfishly wishing that it wasn't happening THIS WEEK.    Which makes me feel bad about the situation and about myself.

Plus I'm sick, on antibiotics and steroids for a chest infection, so can't visit.  

There's a reasonable chance she'll pull through.  Mostly I'm praying really hard that Bug will get to keep his Grandma for years to come, and that our next child will have a chance to know her, too.

But why this week?


----------



## GERTIE179

Awes AoC massive cyber hug to you & lots of positive well wishes for your mum too
X


----------



## Flash123

AoC massive hugs to you, your family and your dear mum. Sometimes timing is just utter s***e. love to you all xxxx


----------



## AoC

Thanks guys.  She's holding her own so far.


----------



## Anjelissa

Huge hugs to you AoC, I'm thinking of you and your family, and hoping your Mum continues to fight and turns a corner  

I hope you feel better soon too 

Lots of love 
Anj x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Oh AoC, what an incredible amount to cope with all at the same time.  I can only send you all my virtual hugs and hope that everything works out well for everyone in your family this week.  

Wyxie xx


----------



## AoC

Thanks guys.  I appreciate it.


----------



## Kaytie

Massive hugs AoC. Such a difficult time and so much pressure for you. You must be going up the wall especially with not being allowed to see her. Sending warmest wishes and hope your mum fights through this. Best of luck for Thursday xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thinking of you AoC and wishing you the most positive outcome possible, on all fronts xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

Sending lots of love and support AoC xx


----------



## panorama

AOC so sorry about your mum,Mehta a stressful time for you, sending love   


Kaytie - I hope the waiting will all be worth it, I know it was for us   . Nothing happening, I think our la are stalling us. Told them we want to send our profile wider and she agreed and then next day said to hold tight as there was a baby girl coming up in the next month, court case at the end of the month. She was going to get some details for us but so far nothing! So I guess we will see at the end of the month and if not I am going to insist we send our profile wider. All very frustrating but I guess it's the name of the game.


Xx


----------



## Poppets Mammy

AoC thinking of you today   How did panel go? How is your Mum - I really hope she's getting better and pulls through xx


----------



## Arrows

AOL,  hope today went okay.  Thinking of you.  X


----------



## Flash123

AoC sending you hugs xxx


----------



## AoC

Thanks loves.

We were approved yesterday.  Mum died today. Sometimes life is... complicated. 

(Family were with her, including me.)


----------



## liveinhope

Sending much love to you all AOC


----------



## Belliboo

AOC sorry to hear about your mum thinking of you at this sad time xx


----------



## Flash123

Oh AoC. Words fail me sweetheart, they really do. My love to you and your precious family xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww AoC my heart goes out to you I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum.
My thoughts are with you all at this time x


----------



## panorama

Aoc - so so sorry to hear that    sending lots of love and   xxx


----------



## Duckling

Oh AoC I am so so sorry  . Xxx


----------



## Poppets Mammy

So sorry to hear that AOC, what a mixed up time for you. Glad to hear she had her family around her as she passed and you got to say your goodbyes. Condolences to you and family   Xx


----------



## Wyxie

AoC, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum.  Life can be so cruel sometimes.  Sending love and hugs, Wyxie xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So very very sorry for your loss AoC, my heart goes out to you all xxxxx


----------



## Anjelissa

AoC I'm so very sorry for your loss   
It wasn't really appropriate to say before, but I lost my Mum a few days before our intros started with little man (aged only 56), so I know all about the conflicting emotions and struggle to make sense of it all. You are very much in my thoughts hun, and I'm sending you lots of love and wishing you strength and courage to get through the next few days and weeks 

There are no words to make things better, but I just wanted to say if you feel it would help at all to talk to someone who you don't really know, who isn't close to the situation and has gone through the same loss at a similar time, then please pm me . 

People will tell you time is a healer and it will feel total nonsense right now, but I have now found it to be true to a certain extent.

Lots and lots of love and hugs ,
Anj x x x x


----------



## Sq9

So, so sorry for your loss. Can't begin to imagine what you're feeling. Sending you the most enormous hug and the strength to get through    Xxx


----------



## Lorella

AOC - so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending big big hugs to you and your family xxx


----------



## Dame Edna

So sorry AOC


----------



## Arrows

I'm so sorry about your mum AoC.  I'm really glad you got approved though and hope you're able to be pleased about it, even in your grief.


----------



## crazyspaniel

Much love AoC, so sorry for your loss x


----------



## snapdragon

Sorry for your loss. Sending you love XXX


----------



## Kaytie

I am very sorry for your loss AoC. Sending you lots of love xx


----------



## liveinhope

Oh girls I don't know what to do? tbh I don't think there is a right answer!  We got a call yesterday from our sw telling us that docs have discovered something of concern on a brain scan of our little pink.  It could turn out to be nothing or worst case scenario, a brain tumour.  We have to decide what we want to - we can pull out immediately if we want or stick with it or any point in between.  It feels like my heart is broken already as there's so many things to consider, most importantly our DS who already knows about his sister and is excited about her coming to live with us.  If she does have something very serious then is it fair for our son to have him in his life with the knowledge she wont be there long

In our hearts she is already ours and I'd feel terrible walking away from her just because she is ill and wouldn't do that if she was already home with us but we could be taking a huge commitment.  Trying to take emotion out of it, if we saw her profile in bmp


----------



## liveinhope

If we saw her current profile in BMP right now we wouldn't follow it up but we are already linked so it feels completely different.

Just wish I knew what we should do for the best!


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Wow   what a bombshell! Have they given any suggestion as the what they will do next ie. More tests/scans to diagnose or is it just a case of waiting for her to grow and see what happens?? Is she at all related to your little man? 
What a predicament- not sure what we would do. I think it would make the decision perhaps less complicated if the children aren't related though.   Xx


----------



## Dame Edna

Liveinhope  

How awful  . Can you slow things right down, so you do not go ahead to matching etc without knowing the full prognosis and exactly what you will be dealing with . 

When will you find out more?  Surely they can't expect you to proceed when you don't know what you (and your family ) could be facing?

I think I would be inclined to stall things until I knew what the abnormalities on the brain meant.  It could be a massive undertaking or it may be quite minor?? Either way, at least you would be making any decisions based on facts.

So difficult, you must be very torn  

X


----------



## Barbados Girl

Liveinhope, I am sorry you have been faced with such a tough decision. A week before mp our pixie was rushed into hospital and we were told he had a congenital heart defect. We were told they did not know the prognosis or how this would impact on things. Our sw suggested we delay mp, they were in blind panic.

Fortunately, we were the type of adopters who when told to research the potential implications of NAS we did and I knew about congenital heart defects.

We remained steadfast and said we just wanted to be kept informed. It turns out that the medical report of a doctor via another doctor, via the on call sw, via our son's sw via our sw to us was not the most accurate basis on which to make a decision! He is actually fine and I am so glad we hung on in there.

I am not saying this will be the same for you and your situation is complicated by your existing child but my point is that you should insist on a sit down with the doctor or medical adviser and get an explanation first hand as to exactly what is wrong. So much luck xxx


----------



## liveinhope

Thanks all.  No they are not blood relations.  We have emailed our social worker and said that we aren't going to rule ourselves out yet but we would like to meet with medical adviser to talk through all options before deciding.  We have accepted that our original panel date of 30/3 isn't going to happen now as we need little pink to see oncologist first.  Also if we just accept whatever, I don't think panel would agree the match as they like you to see you have considered all options!

We wait responses from our social worker.  Its horrible.  We were 5 weeks away from completing our family.  Little pink is already so much a part of our lives.

Appreciate all the support I knew I would get from here xx


----------



## Anjelissa

Liveinhope  
What a heartbreakingly tough decision you are now faced with 
I really feel for you and can only begin to imagine how difficult this is for you all.
I'm thinking of you 

Anj x


----------



## Primmer

LiveInHope - the decision must be so difficult for you all. I agree that you need to speak to the medical adviser first but it must be so hard, your head must be all the over the place


----------



## Kaytie

LIH,

I remember what you wrote in reply to my post about you having already claimed your daughter. I can't believe this is happening. I'm still feeling devastated at our delays, but you are faced with a much more difficult decision than we were. Try to stay calm if you can, as you already said, get the full details from the med advisers so you know what's really going on just now and what their next steps are. She'll be seen again quickly with being a young child.

Now it's me hoping for you that things are not as bad as they seem.
Big hug xx


----------



## Kaytie

Arrows, good luck hun, thinking of you xx


----------



## Arrows

My waters broke tonight but the good news is that not in labour and cervix closed.  No more pain.  Being admitted for 48hrs for bloods and scan in morning. If all okay then can go home but I'll have to be in and out lots for checks as they want to keep baby in as long as possible. 
All rather worrying.


----------



## Flash123

Huge hugs arrows. Take care honey. These wee adoption babies really do want say hello to this world - that's both you and lolly. 

Xxxx


----------



## panorama

Omg Arrows, hope they can keep baby in a little longer,    hope you have someone with you right now, must be all the stress you are under. Look after yourself first hun xxx   


Lih - wow that's a huge bombshell. Like the others have said it's probably best to wait a little longer until you have all the facts. Would be very hard for you and your family if there was something wrong. I know it will feel like a loss losing the match now but believe me, losing a child is so much worse having been there. Sending   


Xxxx


----------



## liveinhope

Take it easy arrows!

Again thanks all for the support.  Im really not underestimating the strong feelings I will have whatever the situation is.....


----------



## liveinhope

Update from me

Have seen our SW today and we have agreed that we will wait a bit longer in respect of little pink. We have been told that the initial medical appointments will be concluded by 2nd June so we will wait until the outcome of those before making a decision.  Its disappointing for the delay but I think its for the best.  It also means we can have a break away with DS over Easter and enjoy some family time without wondering when we will hear anything


----------



## Arrows

Jamie Andrew Stephen born today 1.18am at 33+4wks weighing 4lb 10oz. Needs a bit of help breathing but doing really well. I'm shattered.  More when I get home


----------



## Poppets Mammy

Fantastic Arrows   Been thinking of you and wondering what was happening. Congratulations to you all, well done. Not a bad weight for 33wks, sending lots of support and strength your way   Xx


----------



## Arrows

Jamie is in special care two floors above me and I'm now starting to get all emotional and cry lots about being separated. Not sure whether to feel sorry for the birth mothers who love their babies and have them taken at birth or angry at those who care so little that they harm them so much in utero with their actions and what they put into their bodies. Both I suspect! 
  I love my boys both so much and miss them like crazy.


----------



## Belliboo

Arrows congratulations on the birth of your baby boy,hope he's not in special care for long & your all home together xx


----------



## Flash123

Wonderful news arrows. Isn't it amazing how quickly that love instinct kicks in. I hope that you and your precious new addition Master Jamie Andrew Stephen are home with your treasured family as soon as possible. Take care xxx


----------



## liveinhope

Congratulations Arrows, love to the whole family  xxxx


----------



## Sq9

Congratulations arrows         Xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

Congratulations Arrows and family!


----------



## Lorella

Congratulations Arrows xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Arrows I totally get the strange mixture of emotions... I remember thinking after the ordeal of labour and giving birth that many birth mothers go through that and then baby is just taken away.... surely the reward of all the pain is having your baby at the end. It made me sad little pink's birth mother had experienced that five times already. Then I thought of all the reasons why and snapped back to reality. But it's a funny one isn't it. Anyway, thinking of you all and like I said in my message, congratulations lovely xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Congratulations Arrows. I hope you are reunited with your boys soon and you get home and have folks around to look after you.
Lots of love n hugs x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Congratulations arrows.
Lovely news hope your little man can come home soon xxx


----------



## Kaytie

Congratulations Arrow, well done! Hope you both get to go home real quick hun xx


----------



## panorama

Congrats Arrows! Hope little one can be reunited with you soon, I agree with you about all the emotions, really don't know how birth mothers can keep doing that to themselves over and over sometimes   


My news is that we have expressed interest in a 5 month old little    and waiting to hear if we are shortlisted! Everything crossed   !


Lih - hope everything works out and the wait is worth it! Enjoy your holiday xx


P xx


----------



## AoC

Any news, panorama?  Good luck!

I've just had a nice long chat with our SWer, and she's happy for us to proceed with searching for a link, in spite of Mum dying on Feb 20th.    They're being very reasonable and sensible about things, and we don't have to completely update our PAR.  I don't expect anything to move soon, but it's nice to be back in the saddle.


----------



## Anjelissa

I don't know how I missed this news! 
Massive Congratulations Arrows  
Welcome to the world Jamie Andrew Stephen  
I hope you're all back home together soon 

x x x


----------



## Arrows

Thanks everyone. 
Jamie came home today, 13days old (I should be 35wks 3days today) weighing 2205g (4lb 13.75oz). He's utterly gorgeous 
His big brother is not so impressed with him and currently ignoring him whilst acting as if he is a baby and unable to do anything for himself. All fun and games.


----------



## Poppets Mammy

AoC - glad to hear things will still move forward during this difficult time, it will give you something to focus on. Hope you and family are well  

Arrows - Jamie is a cracking weight considering his early appearance, pleased he's doing well and is home   LO will adapt given time. Hope DH has managed to get some paternity leave from his new job so he can spend this special time with you and help. 

Xxx


----------



## panorama

Arrows - so pleased Jamie is home now, look forward to meeting him!


Aoc - we will find out in Tuesday if we are shortlisted, has taken more than 3 weeks for them to actually set a date to short list! Forgotten how long things take.... Trying not to get too excited as there are other couples being considered. We did not have a competitive match last time so all we to us    our SW seems to think we will get interviewed though.


At home with a really bad cold again, thank god DH is back from the States!


Have a nice weekend everyone xx


----------



## Anjelissa

Lots and lots of luck Panorama   

We were the same as you re non competitive link the first time but competitive the second time, so I know what it's like.
Almost as if you are sitting on the edge of your seats the entire time waiting for the phone to ring, and running for post each morning!

I hope your cold goes soon 

Anj x x


----------



## Kaytie

Ok, I'm officially fed up and have started talking about dropping the adoption of a second child altogether. Is this just my frustration talking though as we are so close but not quite there.
Our link fell through and nothing else has happened. Would've been on adoption leave by now learning to be a family of 4. 
Just going around in circles and all the delays are getting to me. Need to find my focus again. Either that or make a decision.


----------



## liveinhope

Oh Kaytie, I so hear what you are saying! Sorry your link fell through   We are still waiting on our link but there will be no news till June at the earliest.  we should have been at panel on Monday 30th and starting intros the following week.  It feels like it will never happen.  If our link falls through there's so little other children to meet our criteria, I think I will need to seriously give consideration to what we do next.  everyone is in limbo, DS is desperate to be a big bro and I cant give him any answers... Keep going!  PM if you like

Love to all xxx


----------



## panorama

Hi Kaytie - sorry to hear that your link fella through. I know exactly how you feel. We have had to withdraw from the potential link as it has turned out there may be some physical disability with the child    and I just think it will be too much to cope with. Nothing else on the horizon so I think we will give it another 12 months and then reassess. Part of me is happy to just be a family of three really, I guess if it is meant to be it will happen.


Xx


----------



## Kaytie

Oh girls, thanks for your support, but I am also truely sorry you are having such a tough time too. Sorry I did not reply earlier but finding things really quite tough atm. 
It's hard I know, just seems to be a never ending battle. 

I love my boy to bits and am forever grateful for the precious and caring boy that was given to us. Being a family of 3 sounds more likely now and I am grateful for what we already have. Just need to shut up the little voice in my head that whispers about what could've been.

I honestly hope that you both get positive news soon. Thanks again xx


----------



## kizzi79

Thought this letter would resonate with you all:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/apr/04/a-letter-to-the-social-worker-in-our-adoption-process?CMP=share_btn_tw
Kiz x

/links


----------



## Maccer

Hello all,

Can I join you? We were approved in December for another little boy and we are waiting and waiting for something to happen.  We have see a few profiles from the national register but nothing since Feb.  The profiles that we have seen on adoption link mostly say cannot be placed with other children.  It's all very frustrating, I am finding the waiting especially hard this time.  Anyway that's my story, let's hope there is some good news for us all very soon.

Maccer x


----------



## Kaytie

Hi

It has been a while, how is everyone getting on?

We have been linked again with our previous link that through a few month ago. If everything goes as planned, intros should start beginning of July. Back on track after a 4 months delay (legal reasons).

Really glad as we felt committed and attached to the LO from the start. Also we didn't see any other possible matches during that time, so maybe it's meant to be. But not getting too excited in case something else goes wrong at court. It's strange but it's all a bit more subdued and low key compared to the first adoption. Has anyone else experienced this?


----------



## liveinhope

Definitely know what you mean.  We are still linked with our LO although there's delays due to her possible medical issues.  Her social worker is coming out to see us again on Tuesday and we've already warned our worker that we are keeping things more reserved.  The outcome is still not definite and dare not get ahead of ourselves with the excitement and I wouldn't want that to be taken as a sign we don't want her because we do.  But we've seen no other possibles and it still feels right that she is ours.
Great news Kaytie, hope July comes quickly


----------



## Forever mummy 😀

hi, 

i've not been on here for a long time as my 2 year old son keeps me on my toes and i dont get 5 mind to myself.....

anyway, we on on the adoption journey once again. i spoke to my old sw yesterday. she has been off on maternity leave but has been assigned to us once again. she is fantastic! she is coming to see us next week. she mentioned that the process has changed slightly since we last adopted. once they have our registration of interest form they have 4 months to get us to panel......was wondering if anyone has any advice on what to expect or advice? i know i have been through it before but still as nervous as hell!

thanks.
lou x


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi everyone
good luck for all of the links and for those waiting at the moment

I too text our old SW yesterday, our LO is 2 now (been with us since March 2014) Ive only recently gone back to work but the time feels right for us   excited and nervous

imamummy - Ive sent you a PM

x


----------



## Kaytie

Hi

LiH, time must be passing really slowly for you too waiting on the outcome of the medical appointment (June?). I can totally understand you why you are keeping things more reserved and I'm sure that the SW will too. It's such a difficult position to be in right now and the last think they'd want is for you to walk away with all the uncertainties surrounding the little girl. I think the fact that you are awaiting the outcome of the report speaks for your commitment itself. One thing I've learnt from this journey is to expect the unexpected, avoid the whiplash if you can and don't give up your hope.
I hope your meeting goes well on Tuesday and you never know, the SW might come with some positive news or story, and at least with some recent stories about the little one and what she's been up to.

Imamummy, congrats on your decision to adopt again, very exciting and a touch scary isn't it lol. 
We were given similar timescales when our HS finally started, though in the end it took 7 months till approval panel instead of the 3 to 4 we were quoted even though it was a straight process. We also found that there were a lot fewer possible matches due to us being a bit more limited this time with having our son i.e. age for no 2 needed to be at least 2 years younger, and also more limitations on possible medical issues.
My advice is really to just take it one step at the time and to have a think about how the little one will fit in. The challenges this could bring and how you think you'd deal with them. How your little boy might react when the dynamics change a bit. What support network you have now and the impact on emotions and finances. That kind of thing. And most of all as to why you've decided to adopt again.
Sounds like you are in a good place with a SW you trust. Good luck and I wish you a swift process.

Mummysunflower, hopefully you will hear back very soon. Congrats on making the decision.
Just to let you know that we also initially notified our then SW that we wanted to adopt again a year after placement. But she told us we had to wait until 2 years after placement before we can start again. Add a few months delays in getting a new SW as ours left just when we were due to start, and we are 2.5 years into it since telling them. Maybe we were just really unlucky it's been tough but I'm a great believer in things happening for reasons.
Fingers crossed you don't need to wait xx


----------



## AoC

Yes, Kaytie, I'm much less excited this time round.  But I'm calm about that.

There's really not much going on here, which is probably good as it's not really long since Mum died.  We still need to clear out the spare room and set it up as a bedroom, but it's hard to get motivated about that.

In the mean time, as therapy, distraction and downright joyous fun, we've finally got an allotment!  So I'm diverting my attention to growing and gardening and trying not to live in adoption land too much.


----------



## Kaytie

Thanks AoC, makes me feel a bit better now as I had started to question myself if I really want this. Silly I know.

Well done on getting the allotment. It will be a welcomed distraction and I imagine rewarding too to plant seeds and grow things. Also calming and it will give you time and space to work through your grief as and when you need to. It's a very difficult time I only know that too well myself having lost my own mum less than a year ago and it still feels so raw sometimes, but of course you learn to live with it somewhat bit by bit.

I hope adoption land will surprise you soon, but enjoy your allotment in the meantime with hopefully lots of sunshine.


----------



## Wyxie

I'm sorry not much is going on and hope you're doing OK. It might be really hard trying to think about adding to your family but also hard not to.



AoC said:


> In the mean time, as therapy, distraction and downright joyous fun, we've finally got an allotment! So I'm diverting my attention to growing and gardening and trying not to live in adoption land too much.


I am trying to get an allotment. Let mek now how it goes and how much work involved. Wyxling loves growing stuff and I'm constantly searching for stuff to do out the house where hypermentalarrrg is not such an issue particularly how she winds tiny up! I just want to be able to have somewhere to go to dig, let off steam, take out some weeds etc when needed!


----------



## liveinhope

we hear tomorrow about our LO's medical prognosis which will affect whether she comes home to us.  Desperately trying not to think about it, but like that's working loL!


----------



## Sun Flower

liveinhope, I hope you get the info and answers you need. Im sure you are wishing today away. good luck for tomorrow x


----------



## AoC

Best of luck, livein!  (((((hugs)))))

Meeting with our SWer tomorrow, scheduled one, so not expecting anything.


----------



## Sun Flower

AoC hope you have a good meeting with your SW tomorrow.

We have our medicals on Saturday.  Full medicals again for second time, not sure why as I know some people just have a written update from their GP, but SS are paying so we don't mind too much!


----------



## Primmer

Liveinhope- thinking of you and good luck for tomorrow xx


----------



## AoC

Mummy Sunflower, we had to pay for ours!  We were told there were only good if they were less than two years old.


----------



## liveinhope

well I was stupid to think we might actually have some information today 

Basically there needs to be another meeting of the Docs, in light of the recent medical appointments for lil pink to recommend a plan for a course of action.  We are told this will be in the next "couple of weeks" because its not urgent!!!  Then once we know the plan we can make our decision.  In the meantime we continue to wait....  Our social worker has said that if we then choose to pull out we will have to have a period of 3 months to grieve, before we can start family finding again which means another child being placed with us this year is unlikely.  If this all falls through then we will seriously need to consider what next....

Off to find wine and/or chocolate to console myself......


----------



## Flash123

Oh no, that's rotten livein. You must be gutted. It's so hard when you build yourself thinking 'today is the day' only for the goalposts to be moved...again!  Sending you big hugs, buckets loads of wine and a patio slab size of chocolate. Xx


----------



## Sun Flower

so sorry liveinhope, thats rubbish and so disheartening for you, especially as its being seen as not urgent and they are not rushing it at all!!
You must be so frustrated. As Flash says, wine and chocolate, treat yourself, and hang on in there! X


----------



## Kaytie

Oh no liveinhope, that really is totally rubbish. Absolute pants! Instead of getting the answers you've been hoping for it is just more delays. How can this not be urgent, ok it's not a medical urgency right now, but the little one needs to be with her forever family and you need to be able to stop worrying. Hopefully this family can be you. I really hope you get a clear plan from that docs meeting and not a let's wait and see approach, or more delays.
Stay strong hun, big hug xx


----------



## panorama

LIH hope the medicals come up ok, I can't believe they have told you you need a grieving period if it doesn't happen    as if 3 months is going to do it anyway, just laughable really sometimes.


We have been waiting patiently for the last few months to the point where I really have thought nothing will happen and we will just be a family of 3 which I am actually ok about. And then two buses come along - have expressed interest in 2 different little pinks that have come up so now waiting to see what happens and if we are shortlisted. One may happen in a matter of weeks if it does as they want to place straight from residential home with birth mum to adopters. Not sure how they are going to pull it off though, as the court date is one day and they want to place the next day.... Let's see what happens! Fingers crossed!


Xx


----------



## mafergal

Hi everyone, may I join you? We are beginning to find ourselves on this journey as we have recently been told our son's BM is pregnant again. We were told this in Apr but had it confirmed this week that the plan is adoption.

Our son has been home since Aug so it would virtually be a year later if everything goes to plan - I say plan but I don't know if there actually is one as yet. It's all potentially going to move very fast and my head is in a bit of a spin. As no information had been forthcoming for the past 2 months we thought there was maybe another plan or BM was in different circumstances because her due date was fast approaching. Everything is a blur right now, I Hope I am making sense  

x


----------



## AoC

Yes, you are, Mafergal.    Very exciting but stressful and worrying time, too!  Hope it goes as smoothly as it can for you.  

Well, I'm an Adoption Link virgin no more.  Just enquired on our first profile.  Felt like I had no idea what I was doing!


----------



## Kaytie

Hello Mafergal, welcome, and wishing you all the best on your speedy journey.

AoC, good luck with your enquiry x

LiH thinking of you it's hard having to wait when you are waiting on such important news. Do you know more about how long you have to wait to find out more yet?

Our matching panel is this week, and I also finish up work. Still moving at lightning speed! One week and a bit until we meet our little girl. 

Take care and sending positive vibes to those that are waiting  ^hug me^


----------



## liveinhope

welcome along Mafergal

How exciting Kaytie, bet you cant wait 

we have another SW visit tomorrow but I don't hold out much hope of any news.  We've been clear though that they need to give us timescales else its even more likely we will withdraw from this link.  The 3 month wait is the issue; I don't want to be waiting around for another 2 months to then find out she's not able to come and then have to wait 3 months.  Trouble is we just don't know how long we'd be waiting for a different child.....

Yup, hugs and positive vibes most welcomed   DS is 5 this week and its our wedding anniversary so plenty to keep me busy


----------



## liveinhope

Well its all over for us with little pink.  We had agreed to a further delay but her SW contacted us to say there will be no news for a further 6 months at least.  So we have decided to withdraw from the link.  I cant put me, DH and DS through this for another 6 months when we could be getting on with our lives.  Having a break from family finding until September and then who knows.....


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww so sorry to hear this LIV x x


----------



## Flash123

I'm so sorry to here this but for what's is worth I think you are doing the right thing - doesnt make it any easier though. Hugs ((())) xxx


----------



## Kaytie

LiH, I can only echo what Flash has said. So gutted for you. Get busy with life for the next 3 months and do a bit of soul searching to see where you are at. You never know what might happen when you least expect it.  Mega big hugs to you and your family xx


----------



## panorama

Lih so sorry to hear that, we have also had a few setbacks and decided to give it till the end of the year. Just too many adopters out there and not enough kids, this is starting to feel like IVF all over again! If it comes to it then that's fine, can't just keep doing this for ever. Let's hope something comes up soon for all of us xxx


----------



## Primmer

Sending hugs LiH xx


----------



## Sun Flower

It makes me so sad to read this thread at the moment, its such a shame when we all have a forever home and a lovely family to offer (with experience of adoption!) you think they would be jumping at the chance for us to all to have a second child. 

I really hope things work out for everyone on here.

We are just waiting now, medicals done, references done, DBS in the pipeline and our first home study in July - with potential panel date in Sept.

anyone else on similar timescales for number 2?

X


----------



## AoC

It really feels to me that they're not valuing the experience we have.  When I think of how wet behind the ears I was first time round, and how much I've learned, I honestly think we're a better deal for a child than being an only child in a first-time placement.  But it seems as if SWers value first-and-only over tried-and-tested.

But I accept that might be the impatience talking, and mean no-one any offence.

Chin up, loves.  Keep on keeping on.


----------



## Kaytie

Hi everyone,

Ok here are some positive vibes for you all. Just remember I was in your shoes not that long ago and we were so close to giving up a few times. It has taken us over 2 years from confirming to our LA that we'd like to adopt again to being matched with our new AD, who is due to move in this week.

Yes, it is a long long road but don't give up on the dream. I always thought the finish line is within reach but I just could not get there and the frustration was huge. Then we had delays after our match and the finish line moved again. Again we were thinking about throwing in the towel but didn't.

So later today our baby girl will be spending most of the day with us and it has been going so great. Her arms reaching out for me a couple of times, snuggling in for her bottle, kissing her tears away after a little bump, making her giggle and then howl with laughter and hearing her big belly laugh for the first time, taking in her lovely smell and most of all seeing my AS being so caring and gentle with her and the two of them forming a sweet tender bond.

Absolutely priceless!

Yes, I'm still a bit heartbroken that it took so long, my mum not being able to know about her after passing away 12 months ago. Gutted about that really, but that's life I guess.

So for all you second or third adopters out there waiting and getting frustrated ever so often, this sums it up for me:

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end" John Lennon

Thinking of you all. Like AoC said keep on keeping on! (Loved that!)


----------



## liveinhope

Hope all goes well today Kaytie

I know we all need to just keep plodding on and believe that one day things will be however they are meant to.

One good thing (I think) coming from our delay is Ive decided I don't want to stay in my job and have applied for something more family friendly....and got shortlisted 

what have I done.....


----------



## Sun Flower

Good luck Kaytie, I love hearing about LO's interacting with new baby as that is my biggest fear - will he hate the idea of being a big brother, the thought of seeing him playing and being loving fills me happiness (trying to ignore the alternative thoughts of sibling rivalry that often cross my mind!) although our LO is very gentle and kind, He often gives his toys to other children and helps the babies at play group  

do any of you lovely ladies have tips for preparing your LO for a new arrival? Ive got books and a baby dolly so far…….

liveinhope - a family friendly career change sounds fab. Hope all goes well 

AoC - i totally agree,, looking back I knew nothing about parenting or adoption, now I feel like I could write a book!!

X


----------



## liveinhope

Well girls, what a few days!  didn't get the job I went for but our social worker came to see us today with details of a very little pink we are being considered for!  So much for the 3 month gap!  There is possibly another family being considered too but if we are chosen the panel is already book for end of August!  Im all over the place right now....


----------



## crazyspaniel

Wow, fingers crossed x


----------



## Arrows

I really hope this pink is YOUR pink. Keeping fingers crossed!


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Eeek live in hope, everything crossed!!

Just thought I'd say hi to you all as we were approved this week for number two. Now the long wait for a match begins......


----------



## Kaytie

Hi everyone

Mummy sunflower, our son sounds similar to yours, so hopefully it will be similar once you have your addition. 
what we did in preparation were some books but mainly dropping the idea of having a sibling into daily life ever so often,, but don't overload. For example we all have our seats at the dining table and DH said I wonder where your little sister will sit. And DS pointed at the only free chair going dooh Daddy it's that one! Or we had ice cream and I said I wonder if your little sister likes ice cream to which he would say mummy, chocolate is her favourite. It was  all about getting some imagination going but very important not to go on and on about it. My DS got bored of the subject quickly and would move on to other more important things like Spiderman, but at that point we weren't linked yet. Once we were linked and it was finally going ahead we started using her name to make it more real.
Another tip we had was to make sure that he still had his special favourite toys stored in a separate box. The idea is for him to keep something just for himself a save haven he does not need to share if he doesn't want to. But as it turns out he is not bothered about that. Haha.
Like you I was really worried how he would cope but yet again my son amazes me and I fall in love with him all over again.

LiH
wow wow I'm so pleased for you and once again have everything crossed for you hun. Let this be your turn. 

Little Miss Giggles,
congrats on being approved this week. Hopefully your wait won't be as long. Did they give yo any indication on the current situation?

AFM, our little pink is really settling well and has met the first family members who were very taken by her. She was on good form so I had a proud mummy moment lol. She has more teeth coming through and she really suffers with them so after a few sleepless nights she's now back to sleeping through the last 3 nights....fingers crossed it's going to last a bit. Ok I'm off to check on her now as she is still fast asleep. I think it's due to her blackout blind as she always woke between 6 and 7 at FC.


----------



## liveinhope

Welcome Miss Giggles- hope your wait isn't too long


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Thanks Kaytie and LIH   


Our LA is quite small so it may take some time but we shall see. I know there are a few little ones coming through at the moment but who knows if we'll be selected. They don't do competitive matching thankfully so at least we won't have the stress of that. I'm hoping the wait won't seem as frustrating this time as we have our DS to keep us busy   


Aren't blackout blinds great! Combined with a gro clock our mornings don't start too early. Although that may all change......


----------



## liveinhope

Girls Im whispering this because I don't want to jinx anything.....we are the only ones being considered for our little pink   Official sw visit in 2 weeks but we've already been given provisional dates for introductions!  This could really be happening!  Cant wait till its official and I can go on a shopping spree - she is very little and there's lots we need to buy.....


----------



## Belliboo

How exciting liveinhope bet you can't wait to go shopping xx


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Eeeeek ........ how exciting!!!!


----------



## Kaytie

Best news ever liveinhope (all whispered very quietly of course). Fab I've still got everything crossed for you and your little pink. 

Watch this, it will go off with lighting speed, watch out for that whiplash. I'm still recovering from mine lol xxxxx Good luck girl!


----------



## AoC

LOL!  I think I'm still suffering from whiplash from ours, Kaytie!

Oh wow, brilliant LiveInHope!  Everything crossed for you!

Welcome, Little Miss Giggles!  

Had a really positive meeting with our SW.  We aired our minor greivances and she took them on board.  She agreed she'd given the impression that she never had time for family finding, so we thought that even if there were children out there for us we'd miss them because she wouldnt' be able to act, but she explained that actually if a link comes up that work becomes the priority, so we're not concerned about that anymore.

She actually brought some profiles with her (!) and we're enquiring on three of them, which is really great.  We're looking at exchange days, and all feel a lot better for clearing the air and having a plan.


----------



## panorama

Lih - that's amazing!!!! Hope it all works out    


As for me, well we had an interview on Thursday for a 21 month old pink and we find out tomorrow if it is a match or not!!! Eeeeeeeek! We were one of three being interviewed so could go either way, please keep everything crossed for us!!!!!       


P xx


----------



## Belliboo

Keeping everything crossed for you panorama xx


----------



## panorama

Really happy to say we have been matched with a little daughter!!!! Over the moon and very shocked, I was really thinking we would not get here! Lots of    for everyone else!!!


Matching panel is in September.


P xx


----------



## liveinhope

Aw Panorama, that's fantastic.  So pleased for you 

Our SW visit is next Monday so another week to wait......


----------



## mafergal

Great news Panorama! Congratulations!

AOC, it's great when the air is finally cleared with SW's and you have a positive meeting like that. Fingers crossed for the enquiries you are making  

Great news liveinhope, totally understand the whispering   Less than a week now to your official visit  

As for us, LO has now been born so one aspect of worrying is now over. He is healthy (as far as we know) & is now with temp foster carer. We haven't seen a picture of him yet but have asked. We have a meeting this week to sign our PAR & additional paperwork so hopefully we will have lots of updates then. AP is 3 weeks away but it feels like 3 years. I can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong & the placement won't happen. I can't bring myself to agree to make any big purchases until we are approved as intros would be the following week. We have chosen a name which DW loves using when we talk about him, so do I but as I can't shake this feeling I feel like we are tempting fate.


----------



## panorama

Mafergal - don't think we can help feeling like that when we have had disappointments before. Hope all goes well, how amazing to have a little baby, everything crossed!!


----------



## liveinhope

Well today's the day of our visit - house is tidy and we are prepared.  Am hoping by this afternoon we will know if we are going to be parents to a baby girl.  Im feeling really nervous......


----------



## Arrows

Fingers crossed LIH!!!


----------



## liveinhope

They said yes!  We are linked to a beautiful little pink aged 4 1/2 months. Panel 27th August and intros start 7/9/15.  Can this really be happening?


----------



## Sun Flower

huge congratulations liveinhope 
so pleased and excited for you!!

enjoy shopping for all things pink


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Been following your journey and wanted to jump in and send a massive congratulations! So happy for you   xxx


----------



## AoC

Congratulations, Livein!!!!!


----------



## Arrows

Woohoo!!!!


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Eeek soooo exciting, congrats!!! Let the shopping commence


----------



## Kaytie

Huge congrats Liveinhope. Can't stop smiling for you, am so glad it's good news for you! Have you told your DS yet? Our son was the same age when we found out and when he was placed. Enjoy all her firsts hun xxx

Panorama, very chuffed to hear your news about being matched with a girl. I remember the 3 of us a few months ago waiting and quite down at the lack of progress, and now we all have a little pink to add to our families. Big hugs xx


----------



## crazyspaniel

Fantastic news liveinhope!!!!


----------



## mafergal

Congratulations liveinhope!   Really happy for you! x

Thanks for your kind words Panorama. I knew to trust my gut as we have had some disappointing news & are no longer on the f2a route for our son's sibling   All was on track but due to the distances involved & reluctance of judge to reduce contact with bm it's just not possible. It's really heartbreaking that we all miss out on those first months. So now we are awaiting the placement order which we have been assured will be completed in Sep, tho don't see how they can be sure of this. We now have AP & MP in Oct followed by intros. Oct seems a lifetime away. Just keep telling ourselves that it could have been worse news.  

x


----------



## Kaytie

Mafergal, I'm speechless  . So sorry hun.


----------



## panorama

Lih - big congrats!!!!!!! Yay, guess it was meant to be  wonderful


Material - sorry to hear that but it won't be long lovely, hang in in there.


We meet Foster carer in a few weeks time, lo has had a rough start but she seems to be making good progress which is great. My son is super excited to meet her and asks to see her photos every day and asks lots of questions. Intros will probably be around 21st sept.


Xx


----------



## liveinhope

Sorry to hear of the delay Mafergal but wont be long I hope

Im still digesting our news, doesn't seem real.  Someone pinch me!


----------



## AoC

I'm so sorry, Mafergal.  Under the circumstances, can you request permission to go and spend some time with your LO periodically?  Just wondering....


----------



## Barbados Girl

Mafergal, so sorry. V frustrating- who is that contact really benefitting? Surely LO would benefit more from an early start with his forever family, not regular contact with bm!


----------



## Macgyver

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all well.

Well just made the call to register our interest in adopting for the second time  

Lovely lady on the phone is sending out info evening dates and just got to advise her which one we wish to attend. 
Have to go through a different LA this time as the one we went through last time isn't taking in any new adopters for at least 3 months.
Would have,liked to stay with the orig LA but want to start as soon as we can 

Slightly nervous but excited too


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi Macgyver
congrats on your decision to go for number 2, we are also in the process for a second time. Our first home visit / assessment session is on Friday, we have been waiting a while as our SW has been off sick. All refs and medical and DBSs done now so just 4 visits and then she will start writing our PAR again!

have you been given a rough idea of timescales? do you know what age range? how old is your LO? 

So exciting!


----------



## Macgyver

Hi mummy sunflower
Thank you

I've been told today that we will go straight to stage 2 which would mean 4 months until panel.

We have to goto another information evening first so just waiting on the letter with the dates.

The age range we would love would be 0-2 years. Our son is 3 in November so think this would be ok.

I asked our son today if he would like a brother or sister to play with?
His response was. Yes mummy
I then asked would you like a boy or girl?
His response Both mummy
Bless him

We don't mind a boy or girl so totally open. (Apart from girl would be nice to even out the odds lol )

I bet you can't wait till Friday

How old is your littleone? And what age would you like?

X


----------



## Sun Flower

It all sounds very exciting, hope you get your info session dates through soon. We were told 4 months for stage 2, fingers crossed we are both done and dusted before Christmas  

our LO is nearly 2.5 years old, we have said boy or girl we just want a really good match for our little family.  However, like you we would love a little girl as one of each would be fab!  Our LA require a 2 year age gap between the children so we are saying 0-12months. 

x


----------



## watakerfuffle

Just caught up with all your news! I haven't been on here for months! It's been a real rocky road for some of you but pleased to see some familiar names have matches now and Arrows,  baby came early but sounds like all was well, Congrats  . 

Our youngest has been home for 8 months now. He will be 1 soon, growing up way to fast. Loving watching him grow, such precious moments and does make me a little sad that we missed out on all that with our eldest but it has also deepened my understanding on some of the things he missed out on so that's been interesting.

It's not all been plain sailing, our eldest has found it very hard and regressed massively but things have improved alot. It's certainly alot of work but it can't be that bad as already started talking to husband about adopting no. 3!!!


----------



## mafergal

Hi everyone.  After our disappointing news we went away for a few days and are just focussing on the positive side of the delay.  We are still on track for Intros in Oct as paternity test came back as expected and all the paperwork was filed for the Placement Order last week and we have a date for the end of Sep. We also have our our son's celebration hearing in early Sep and so now the day can totally be about him (as it should - however this would have been the first time a lot of family would have met his sibling). All of our references have now been contacted and all we have to do is sign PAR and attend panels so there are lots of positives. 

We have been given FC contact details and she seems lovely, sent us an email almost instantly and we swapped phone numbers.  She has sent us some photos and he looks so much like our son did at that age  

We have an 'information exchange day' booked for mid Sep (can't be called life appreciation day because there is no PO) to meet everyone.  AOC, we may possibly get to see him then but I doubt it as they wouldn't give us FC details until the paternity test was back.

How are things going Liveinhope?  Are you all set for panel in a couple of weeks?

Good luck with it all Macguyver, and everyone else at your different stages   Hope everyone else is well 

x


----------



## Forever mummy 😀

Hi everyone,

hope your all well.

sorry i dont get to come on here that much, my 2 year old keeps me on my toes......

congratulations to those who have been approved or matched. And good luck to those all waiting. Hopefully dont have to wait to long.

we go to panel next Thursday! i'm getting a little nervous now. Silly really, as we know what to expect. Although our sw is on leave, so the manager is filling in for her. 

We have already had 2 potential matches. The first one was an 18 month old but she was to old and sw feltshe would be to close in age to our son who is 2 1/2 years old.  The second one was a little baby but she was from the same area as us so we couldn't go any futher. Hopefully soon enough we'll find our little one.

take care
lou x


----------



## Macgyver

Thanks mafergal, I hope you get a smooth ride from here on     


We got our letter yesterday for info evening days, sadly we have to wait till November as next one in sept we are away, October again we are away (murph yes law) so first week in Nov it is. So letter posted this morning.


I was a little confused why we had to attend one, but lady said as they are a consortium we can decide which la to go with and fill out the paperwork while there?


Has anyone adopted through a consortium authority before? Last time we went through our la but they are not taking anymore adopters on at the moment. Would like to know if there is much difference


Good luck at panel mummy digger x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi all, haven't been on here for months and months, the joys of a 3 year old I was just wondering if any of you had adopted/considered adopting or knew of anyone who adopted siblings 2nd time around? We have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter who has been home just over 2 years and we are approved to adopt again. We have been given the profile of amazing twins!!!! Under a year old, we are so torn as the profile sounds perfect but it's twins!!!!! We had never considered 3 children but here we are with an amazing profile!!!! Any advice greatly received x


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi everyone

So pleased to see this thread active and busy again. We had our SW visit today she confirmed panel for first week in Oct and matching panel in Nov!!! so we could be a family of 4 by Christmas!!! 

Greeniebop - twins - wow. So exciting but I understand your concerns as your LO will have a lot to adjust to having 2 new siblings at the same time! I went to a local adopters party recently and there were 3 sets of twins there, all recently adopted. I was the only one there with a singleton! 

mummydigger - great that they are showing you profiles already, its a good sign that your panel will go smoothly and they hope to match you asap 

macgyver -sorry you have to wait until Nov, Im afraid I don't know anything about consortiums.

Hi watakerfuffle - my DH has already started talking about number 3 and we haven't even got number 2 yet!!   

X


----------



## liveinhope

Come back from holiday with confirmation letter for panel on 27/8,  Feeling more real now

will do a proper catch up later
xx


----------



## liveinhope

Foster carer visit today.  Hopefully she will bring more photos of our girl - only seen one so far (and the DVD but they didn't let us keep it)

Any updates from anyone else?

xx


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

How is it all going LIH?

We've had a tentative link, eeek.


----------



## liveinhope

Great news Little Giggles, care to share anymore?

All going well here thanks.  Panel on Thursday,  Have spent today doing our intros material ready to take to panel.

My lovely sister arranged a surprise baby shower for me yesterday which was lovely.  Still cant believe that in 2 weeks time we will be meeting our girl for the first time


----------



## Kaytie

Lih, exciting times for sure. Good luck for Thursday at panel and a very quick countdown until you meet her.
So chuffed for you xxx

Miss Giggles best wishes that the link works out for you x

Our little girl has settled in so well I can barely belief it and am very relieved it's going so well just now. She is so happy and easy going. Couldn't exactly keep it a secret this time due to lack of bump at nurseries when picking up our son, so lots of people know and all seem very pleased. Had a few nosy questions "But your boy is yours right?" and "I always feel so sorry for the parents who lose their babies" (yeah? I feel sorry that the child has been subjected to physical and emotional pain by their parents..) and my number 1 so far: "At least you didn't have to go through birth"
I'm annoyed with myself as I keep getting caught out and then feel like I have to explain....silly!
We live in a fairly small place but with our son only very few people knew.

Beginning to wonder if we should move and have a new start but that's silly as not a problem at the moment. Guess I worry more about what the future holds for my two.


----------



## Sun Flower

Morning everyone!

miss giggles - can you share any info yet? exciting!  

liveinhope - good luck for Thursday, Im sure panel will be fine, we've all don't this before so we won't be nervous…..right?!  

Kaytie, so pleased your little girl is settling in well, even with the thick skin we develop first time around, I guess we are still subject to peoples opinions and comments all over again (cant wait!!) I know what you mean, I often think when we are a family of 4 if would be lovely to move house where the neighbours don't know all of the ins and outs of our lives and just see us a a regular family of 4.

AFU - we have a panel date in October! and I am already winding down from work, I don't have head space for my colleagues or the actual work especially now I know I will be leaving and not returning this time. I need to keep focused for a few more months but finding it so hard.


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Good luck for Thursday lih!!

Kaytie I know exactly what you mean about wondering about starting afresh. People are so thoughtless at times but great your little girl is settling so well  It will all be old news before long....

There's a possibility of additional family that haven't been considered so we're waiting to hear more before we get our hopes up. Easier said than done!


----------



## Tictoc

Hi - is it ok if I join here? I am a second time adopter - my husband and I started the process in Jan/ Feb this year and we just brought our little boy home last Monday. He seems settled during the day but gets distressed at nighttime quite often - anyone else experiencing this?

We also have a birth son (5 years old) and our adopted daughter  (3 years old) who came to us nearly 2.5 years ago. Latest addition is just 9 months


----------



## liveinhope

Panel said yes


----------



## Arrows

Woohoo LIH!


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Great news LIH!!!!!!

Welcome Tictoc, sounds like you have your handful there!!


----------



## mafergal

Hi tictoc, welcome   Not quite there yet as our AS is 2 and our new addition (hopefully) joins us in Oct at 3 months old. Was this the case with fc?

Congratulations LIH! what is the plan /time frame now?

I know exactly what you mean mummy sunflower, I've been winding down for a while. I was off on A/L for 2 weeks, been back in work for a week and off again cor a week   it was supposed to be to settle our son into nursery but his first day isn't until Sep 7th so we will just have a lovely week together. We also have his celebration day on the 8th so lots to do around the house and garden for that. Luckily lots to keep us occupied whilst we wait for the final hearing at the end of Sep including the info sharing day.

Hope everyone else is well x


----------



## liveinhope

Work finished for a year! Just a busy weekend to go. then we meet our girl....... very exciting and scary.  

Any updates from anyone else?


----------



## Kaytie

Woohoo!   Enjoy LiH. Sorry too tired to type more but that is great. You must be so excited and maybe a bit nervous at the same time. Good luck for next week xx


----------



## panorama

Wow so quick LIH! Enjoy meeting your beautiful girl!


We got to panel on Monday, little girls room is all ready and we start intros on the 23rd.


Exciting month!!


P x


----------



## liveinhope

Wow that's great news Panorama - how old is your little girl?

Its all gone very quickly for us and I really cant believe that it is happening


----------



## panorama

She will be 2 in October, soon after we bring her home for good!  how about yours? 


Very surreal isn't it?!


Xx


----------



## liveinhope

Our daughter will be 6 months the day she comes home. 

Good luck with it all


----------



## Arrows

LIH, my youngest will be 6mths old on Monday. 
Get used to lack of sleep and random babbling and squealing (latest trick)! 
Trying to balance two kids with enormously different needs is often a real struggle. When you add in the emotional roller coaster your eldest will experience it can make for major regression and behavioural issues so be prepared for a bit of insecurity. My eldest likes to play mummies and babies with his friends and started pooing in his pull ups at night when baby arrived. He also started lying just lots,  although that may be more his age (3.5yrs). He doesn't generally interact much with his brother, however also keep an eye out for sly jealously -DS1 will 'hug' DS2 but deliberately use a lot of pressure to hurt or make him cry. That said he can also be very sweet and likes to help me lots. I praise him a lot for helping and he's just started earning pocket money by doing jobs I.e. pouring breakfast things on table -he'll get a 5p/10p and I aim for about £1 a week so when we go to ASDA each week he often gets to buy a new toy car. 
Can't remember the age of your eldest on placement but hopefully this is helpful. 
If you want to get anywhere in a morning restock changing bag the night before. 
Mine is huge and incudes:
4-6 nappies, wipes, changing mat, nappy bags
2 pouches/jars of food, 2 spoons,  wipeable bib
Snacks and bottle of drink for DS1
4 changes of clothes for baby, one spare top for me and one full change for DS1
4 muslins 
Medication (baby has severe reflux and vomits a lot!), teething powder
Two chewable toys
dummies (don't use them any more but just in case)
Emergency toys for DS1 -car,  notepad,  pencil crayon
1/2 bottles and milk

My DH doesn't cope well with change and so I've had to write a rough routine for him -let me know if you want me to message it to you for any ideas.

I massively recommend using a sling/baby carrier. I use an Ergo.  They help massively with bonding,  security and being able to give attention to your eldest. I also feed DS2 just before the rest of us eat, so at 11.30 & 4.30 otherwise is never eat myself!


----------



## liveinhope

Bless you Arrows for sharing your tips.  I have no doubt Im going to need all the help I can get.  DS is 5 and a bit, but emotionally functions younger so am expecting regression.  Some of it has started already.

Yes please do message me the routine

Thanks


----------



## liveinhope

we meet our daughter for the first time tomorrow. So excited....


----------



## Kaytie

Good luck for the next days. Enjoy, how exciting. Hope it all goes well xx


----------



## panorama

Morning! We got a yes at panel yesterday so countdown to meet our little girl is now on, intros start on the 23rd. Can't believe that after 11 years our little family is now complete!   


LIH - how did it go yesterday?!!! Enjoy getting to know your little girl xx


X


----------



## liveinhope

Congratulations Panorama.  Hope the wait doesn't seem so long

We meet our daughter today


----------



## liveinhope

we met our daughter today.  she was so relaxed about it all.  She let me give her a bottle and then fell asleep on me.  Lots of cuddles for Mummy and Daddy which was amazing!  Shame we only had an hour today but there from 930-6 tomorrow including meeting birth mum.  Im already exhausted, so goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow


----------



## panorama

A www how lovely, first day is always quite short, hope it goes well tomorrow! 


How are they working your intros with your son, when does he get to meet her? Just wondering as we don't know our timetable yet.


X


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

So exciting LIH and panorama! Moving forward with our link, meet the FF and SW next week


----------



## liveinhope

That's great news Miss Gigglrs, keep us posted:_
Panorama - our son met his sister yesterday for the first time so thethird day of intros.  Theres not a huge geographical distance between us and the foster placement so that's good. He now sees her every day until she comes home on Monday.  We are out for the first time as a 4 today (DS has day off school) which is lovely.  DS is smitten with his sister but Im sure the novelty will wear off soon.  I can PM you our intro plan if it would help?

Well our daughter is amazing.  She is taking to us well, we've done all the main things we need to like nappies, feeding etc and she is going with the flow.  Really cant believe this is happening to us.  I know its going to get harder next week when we are at home and DH back to work so trying to enjoy it whilst we can


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

That's brilliant Lih!

Would be really interested to see your intro plan


----------



## liveinhope

Will send it over when I get a minute - remind me if I forget


----------



## panorama

LIH sounds fab, how lovely that your son in smitten!  we got our intro plan now and it looks quite reasonable. I am going to stay a few nights close to foster carer so it is not too much driving. All very real now eek! 


Good luck with your link little miss giggles!!


Xx


----------



## Primmer

LIH - sounds amazing, so pleased for you x


----------



## liveinhope

Our girl came home today   All went very well until around 6pm (bathtime) when we briefly entered the twilight zone! DS's behaviour was off the wall which led him to have a massive meltdown and then meant that it unsettled our daughter.  Eventually everyone bathed and all in bed asleep by 715.  Not going to be far behind I shouldn't think.  On the whole things were OK for a first attempt but hopefully better tomorrow


----------



## Arrows

LIH -that's fairly standard for us.
DS1 starts to meltdown with tiredness/stress around 6-6.30, just as I need to feed and put down DS2. If I mange everything by 7/7.30 I consider that a good night.
I normally aim to get DS2 down around 6.30-7pm and DS1 around 7-7.30pm so I get a little bit of one-to-one time with my eldest. Congrats sounds like a good first night!


----------



## panorama

Wow home already! Bound to be hard, am expecting the same with ds too, had a meltdown today even without sibling lol. He is quite tired from starting school and probably should have started bathtime earlier, all good fun  enjoy her, can't wait to meet our daughter next week, 9 days to go!! X


----------



## AoC

Well done, LIH!  And congrats having your daughter home.  

Our latest potential link, which sounded quite positive, has come back as a no.  Much as I hate waiting on things, I now realise we don't have any irons in the fire at the moment, and that sucks way more.    Trying to keep my chin up.


----------



## liveinhope

Sorry to hear that AoC, its a frustrating road sometimes

Things started quite well but I'll admit to having a bad day yesterday.  Little lady isn't a great sleeper at night and is teething as well and it seemed like yesterday all she did was scream,  She seemed to be missing her foster carer too, not surprising really but this combined with the fact it was DH's first day back at work meant Ive not been in a great place.  I managed to get some sleep last night and have seen my mum and sister, both of whom are fantastically supportive and today seems a little better.  DS has been really good with his sister too, which definitely helps.

As its a nice day Im going to put Little lady in the buggy and we are going to walk to my mum;s for lunch.  I don't think its doing either of us any good to be cooped up and the fresh air will do us good too

I feel terrible feeling this way considering how lucky we are but I cant help the way I feel.  I know its going to be OK, its just something I need to work through


----------



## AoC

Big hugs, LIH.  I don't think you need any advice - you've been down this road before and know what you're doing!  Just remember that if she's grieving FC that's a good sign in attachment terms.  And there were quite a few days in placement when I woke up dreading what the day would bring.  But it passes. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))


----------



## liveinhope

Thanks evetyone.  Would seem Wesnesday was a blip as things are much calmer now.  Little lady still teething but shes manageable.  Im feeling much better about things too so I reckon it will all be OK

Appreciate all the support though


----------



## mafergal

Hi everyone, I've not been on here for a couple of weeks but have updated myself with all of your news.

Panorama, congratulations on your YES   The 23rd will be here before you know it 😉 

AOC, sorry to hear this fell through. Fingers crossed for you that the right link comes along soon.

LIH, in all sounds like things are going brilliantly for you. I can't wait to be in this position 

Miss Giggles, have you met the FF yet? Hope it all goes well!

As for us been a busy few weeks. We had my son's  Celebration day at court. All in all was a lovely day although he was not impressed at all with the special guest who attended... George Pig (or 'no big Gor' as my son now calls him) so that really didn't go to plan   He has had his first week in nursery & I think potty training is now complete as we have gone a month with just 1 wet night & 1 day accident at nursery. We met our SW & the FC yesterday for the first time & she is lovely. We were informed the final hearing has been put back to Oct az the advocate couldn't make the Sep date. This all leaves a very tight time scale with this hearing, panels & intros all separated by a week. I keep holding myself back until the PO is granted & have held off telling work colleagues but I think I'm just going to have to tell them now. I just find it strange discussing & arranging intros when the PO isn't in place. 

Hope everyone else is well x


----------



## AoC

Everything crossed for the PO, mafergal!    If it helps, we went to matching panel on a Thursday and started intros on the following Monday....  

Glad it's a better day, LIH.


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

So exciting LIH, and so lovely you have your family round the corner 

Frustrating they couldn't sort PO earlier Mafergal but they must be really certain. They do seem to have really closed the gaps since last time we went through this. Better for the little ones, but stressful for us!

Sorry to hear your link fell through AOC, hopefully the right little one will come along soon.

We have now met little ones SW and FF and all seemed to go well so we are progressing. That said it's been a few days now and I've not heard anything. I feel so much more paranoid everything will fall through this time round, not sure why, probably the total change in the number of children looking for families.


----------



## mafergal

Thanks AOC   Today would have been the day of the final hearing, the day we would know for sure if this was all going to happen so been thinking a lot about it all today.

How are things going LIH? All really good I hope!

Little Miss Giggles, have you heard anything yet? They are sort of certain with us in terms of this LO is our son's full bio sibling & they approached us. I think it's just me with the niggle of 'what if the judge says no'. We will see in a couple of weeks. Hope things are going well and progressing quickly for you!

x


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

It must be really hard mafergal :hugs:

We now have a meeting with the foster carer planned so it all seems to be progressing well. I just need to stop being so pessimistic!


----------



## liveinhope

Things have been a lot more calm and settled this week which is good.  It feels like we are in a manageable routine and there's been times when I've really enjoyed being with both my children, individually and together.  Most of the time its blooming hard work, the novelty has sadly worn off for DH who has decided he is far too tired to get up in the night or do early mornings.  Grrr, cos he's a great dad the rest of the time


----------



## mafergal

We both do Little Miss giggles!    I spent the last couple of days decorating and putting together more storage and a baby changing table in what will be the baby changing room and keep pushing to the back of my mind this constant pessimistic voice in my head saying that something will go wrong.

Liveinhope, hope things are still calm and settled! And that your husband has had a turn around and helping in the morning/at night.

Hope everyone else is well x


----------



## liveinhope

Another week has passed already and things have continued to settle.  we seem to have all found our own roles, DH is helping a lot more which is great and this has included overnight and early mornings


----------



## panorama

Hello! Intros with our little girl could not have gone better and she has been home two days now and it feels like weeks, she is just an amazing little girl, we are all so in love  she has settled in amazingly well, we are still a little shocked 


LIH - glad things are going better x


Good luck everyone xx


----------



## AoC

Congrats, Panorama, that's wonderful.  

Great work, LIH!  

Somebody hold my hand.  Finally, we've got a nibble!  To be confirmed, but it looks like we have a potential link.  They're considering other families but it looks like we're on the short list.  A little blue, under two years old.  Can't sleep....


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

That's great everything us starting to fall into place LIH. Long May it continue 

Your little girl sounds delightful panorama, so lovely to hear it's all going well.

Eeeek AOC!!! Everything crossed xx


----------



## liveinhope

Great news AoC - hope it all progresses for you


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Met our little monkey today, he's adorable


----------



## Arrows




----------



## AoC

Wonderful, Little Miss!  

Apparently the SWers who might be coming out to visit us are having another meeting on Friday and will then be arranging visits.  There are four families in the frame.


----------



## ritzi

hi all,
i posted on the adoption thread - but think i belong here really - duh....  


i adopted my boys way back....they are 10 and 8 now.  we went on to have a birth dd who is nearly 3. we have now had a phone call about adopting the boys sibling and so are in the process for number 4. 


sw are trying to fast track it, though i have my feet on the ground, the sw is lovely and hoping for a december panel - so we shall see. 


anyways - it is nice to get some support isn't it. we've yet to tell people apart from our referees in RL. not told our families as we don't want to break hearts if anything goes wrong - as adoption sometimes does   


so thats me, looking forward to reading all your stories too 


ritz


----------



## mafergal

Hi everyone  

That sounds wonderful little miss giggles! He will be home soon!

Good luck to you AOC, I hope it all goes your way x

Hello Ritzi, welcome   I sort of know what you are going through as we are in the process of adopting our son's sibling. It has gone really quick so fingers crossed the same happens for you!

So the PO was granted & we had our AP & MP last week, all went amazingly well & we got a unanimous yes for both. Introductions  start on Monday!  

x


----------



## AoC

Congrats, Mafergal!  That's wonderful!  Now get plenty of rest, you remember the score... ggg


----------



## liveinhope

great NEWS maferGAL

Hope you hear something soon AoC

all good here, we seem to have got into a routine that's working


----------



## AoC

Back to the drawing board.  SWers have chosen to go with another family.  Bit shocked, as although we weren't expecting it to be definitely us, we did expect that they'd come and meet us before deciding.  Our SW has been marvellous, and says she should have some feedback to share next week.

Ho hum.

How is it, that in this whole country, nobody wants us?

I know it's not really like that, but it's starting to feel that way.


----------



## mafergal

Oh AOC I wish! Since we found out the the PO was granted it has just been none stop purchasing things, building thins, making things, moving furniture etc. I have literally had the last hour and a half to myself as we travelled to our accommodation today & our son went to bed at 7. It's the first evening that I haven't had to get something done. We have the planning meeting in the morning & then we meet our son in the afternoon & spend the rest of the day with him. I think it is only just sinking in...

Hope you hear some news soon AOC!


Liveinhope, great that you have a routine going! I think that's what I'm most worried about, disrupting both boys routines. 

x


----------



## mafergal

Sorry AOC, I've just seen your post! I'm so sorry the news isn't positive, I know how gutted you must be feeling. It will happen, your LO is out there x


----------



## Arrows

I'm so sorry AoC.


----------



## liveinhope

sorry to hear your news AoC. No words of wisdom but we were turned down in a competitive match this time last year and it felt terrible.  Its easy for me to say stick with it, you know all that and Im sure you will but its horrible when its happening


----------



## AoC

Thanks guys.  I know you get it, which helps.  ((((hugs))))


----------



## Kaytie

Hugs AOC, it will happen xxxx


----------



## AoC

Thanks.  Our SW has been great and signed us up for a couple of exchange days in Nov.  We've had some feedback, which was basically along the "another family was a stronger link" lines.  Not especially helpful.  But as I said to DH, they wouldn't actually say, "you're too old and too fat..."

*eyeroll*

Consoled myself by buying some nice things for the spare (second kid's) room.


----------



## kizzi79

Hi everyone. Just starting on my journey to adopt number 2. I was wondering how quick you found the approval process second time round? Any top tips to share.
Thanks, Kiz  x


----------



## Tictoc

Hi Kizzi,

We had our first home assessment visit end of Feb and went to panel middle June. We did enquire before Christmas but there was a delay in getting started due to paperwork not being passed over from the VA who assessed us last time. Second time around felt far less intense and intrusive as they were more interested in how our daughter had settled, what problems we had with her and how we dealt with them. I think it actually helped a lot that we had a really tough first year with her - they liked to know we had got through that. 

Biggest difference for us in terms of timescales was that they appeared to look at us as tried and tested adopters and we got a very quick placement - from no links at approval panel in June we actually brought our son home mid August. I know we have been lucky but overall a much easier and quicker process second time round for us.


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Hi Kizzi,

We're similar to Tictoc, approved in 4 months despite going with a different LA and linked relatively quickly after. Very positive at both panels that we had done it all before whilst also excepting this was a new challenge. I expected them to think we weren't as good a choice as a childless couple as we couldn't focus everything around the new child but I was wrong. We did speak to lots of LAs though and attended a couple of information evenings and went with the one that I liked and were very positive about finding us a second child from the off. So my advice is look at all your agency options before choosing who to go with.

Good Luck x


----------



## liveinhope

We were approved end of September 2014 and our daughter came home nearly a year later.  It did take a while - we were not chosen in one link because of our DS but with our daughter our previous parenting/adoption experience was seen as a positive,  We stayed with the same LA.  The assessment process did only take 4 months though, it was the wait for the child that was the longest!

Kizzi I hope you aren't waiting too long this time around.  Good luck x


----------



## Macgyver

Hi kizzy, 

We have our information evening Saturday, been told that start to approval is 4 months, but waiting for a child will be longer than last time maybe upto a year.

Hoping to have a sibling for ds by Xmas next year so he has 9 months with sibling before starting school


----------



## watakerfuffle

Hi Kizzy, it took 6 months for our second approval. That was with a delay! Then lo came home 3 months later but was a foster to adopt placement. Good luck


----------



## ritzi

hi all

we've been busy here and have our panel date confirmed for december, so our baby will be home in january - bit disappointed not to have our first christmas together, but hey ho we'll manage. there is some talk of intros between xmas and the new year but not sure if that'll work with waiting for ratification - but apparently there are ways and means......intros with our little one starting nursery in january will be tricky so not sure how we can play that one. nursery is only 2.5 hours but its a state nursery place so expected to attend every day. short of roping in 100 favours i have no idea! any ideas anyone?

aoc its no fun in your position.....but your little one is out there, and a sw will be looking for a family like yours for a child.

kizzi our journey will be 3 months but we are being approved for our childrens sibling so its a fast track.....and it feels slow!


----------



## Macgyver

Hi everyone


Went to adoption meeting today which was a consortium and decided on which one we were going with. Paperwork nearly filled out to post Monday morning.


Good thing is they told us no prep courses etc, and we will go straight to stage 2. We can also hold off start till after Xmas. Time scale was 4 months from initial visit. Another good thing is they confirmed that they did have children in their books the age range we would be interested in. Another LA advised they had none as was on,y placing sibling groups of 2 or more so as we only wanted 1 they would bump us to the bottom of the list.


The la we have chosen seem so positive makes us feel they are the right option.


Can't wait to start the ball rolling on Monday.


----------



## Mouseycat

Hi all

After some advice please, have been approached by LA regarding full sibling of our LO who is 2 1/2, been home a year now, and we're torn, we're no spring chickens, thankfully the right side of 50, but wrong side of 45   and feel that our family is perfect as it is, and we would not have actively gone for no. 2, however, we realise having a full sibling for our LO could be amazing for all of us, anyone else felt like this ?
x


----------



## Little Miss Giggles

Great news macgyver and ritzier!!

Mouseycat my only advices would be go with your gut. If in your heart of hearts you don't want another say no. That said in a year or two your little one may be craving a sibling ....... hard decision.

We're mid intros and I must say our little monkey is doing great. He's not yet met our big monkey, roll on Wednesday....


----------



## AoC

Mouseycat, that's a real toughy, tougher than most people realise...    (((((hugs))))))  I would want to know what likelihood there is of another sibling down the line... as in, will they be approaching you for number three, number four...  If you're going to have to say no to another one sometime, and if you don't really want a sibling, then now might be the best time to say no.

That said, I may be compensating in my advice for the fact that I'm really envious, as being approached for a sibling would make our situation so much easier, but that's not ever going to happen.  Don't mind me!    If it were me, I'd be saying yes, but I can completely identify with the sense that your family is perfect and you don't want to rock the boat, or take on more than would be manageable.  Sorry, I can't help being envious, but that's my problem, and I really wish you all the best!  

Thanks, ritzi.    I actually find it hard to believe that there's someone out there for us/a SW who would want us for their child at the moment, which is so unlike me, it's upsetting.  I expect I'll come around.

Re Decision Maker ratification, they can turn it around in 24 hours or less if they really want to.  They did with Bug.  It doesn't 'take' two weeks, that's just the time they have to play with.  Good luck!  

That's good progress Macgyver.  

Sounds great, LittleMissG!    Hope the big monkey meeting went well.


----------



## AoC

We went to an exchange day recently, and it was really positive.  I think it did a lot to 'reset' our heads.  Just chatting with SWs who were keen, non-judgemental and informative was very healing, in a way!  We ended up with four profiles in our hand which we struggled to see reasons we'd say no to them...  We narrowed it down to a shortlist of two, and have expressed an interest there.  We see our SW on Thurs, so hopefully we'll hear a bit more.

Hope it's going well for you all.


----------



## liveinhope

Will keep our fingers crossed AoC

Our application for AO has been submitted today.  Hopefully not too much longer


----------



## liveinhope

Heard from the court that our Adoption order hearing will be on Feb 8th.  Not too long


----------



## Tictoc

wow that's quick! I dont suppose you are with Holborn court in central London?

Congrats though - thats very fast


----------



## liveinhope

No we're not
Yes its fast, which is great


----------



## panorama

Great news lih! We have now had our daughter for 10 weeks and have handed all the paperwork in, shame her social worker is a little inefficient, but we have been told the courts are also taking a little longer. Not long now till your lo is legally yours, can't wait for ours!


----------



## liveinhope

hope you don't wait too long.  we did ours at the earliest opportunity too,


----------



## AoC

Anyone out there?  

We heard today that the SW of a potential link "is very keen to proceed" and wants to come and visit. Our first visit this time round!  Still no idea if it's a competitive situation or not.  Unfortunately she's about to leave, and wants new SW to do the visit, so they're "waiting to appoint someone."  So, could mean three weeks or three months....

I understand about assessments, due legal process etc, but when delays happen just because there's no-one to act, I hate it.  Poor moppet.

Also had an enquiry from a SW on Adoption Link for the first time ever...  

New Year seems to have started well.  Cautiously optimistic.


----------



## liveinhope

There are things to be " cautiously optimistic" about AoC.....

Keep us posted

All good here


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi 
not posted on this thread for a while, we have just had our baby girl move in 2 days ago!!! we are doing foster to adopt second time around, but only for a couple of weeks as we have matching panel next week.  Our AS is being a superstar big brother! I was so worried about how he would react but he is doing great (I know this might be the honeymoon phase but Im enjoying it while it lasts!)

hope everyone is doing well, I enjoy reading everyones updates   x


----------



## liveinhope

That's great news Sunflower,  Hope all continues to go well


----------



## AoC

Fabulous, well done you, and AS!


----------



## liveinhope

Our adoption order was granted today.  Now we wait for a celebration hearing.  Just the 4 of us went out for a meal to celebrate and had a wonderful time.  Both children were beautifully behaved and when we got in no one complained about going to bed and there was no fuss!

A magical day!  This has been a long old road but I think I can finally say our family is complete and Im happy.  I know theres potentially tough times ahead but Ill take those as they come.....

Lots of love to all wherever you currently are in your journey


----------



## Sun Flower

sounds like you had a fab day liveinhope, so pleased for you, congratulations!

x


----------



## ritzi

Congratulations Liveinhope! sounds like a perfect day


----------



## kizzi79

Congratulations - so pleased for you  xx


----------



## AoC

Congrats, Liveinhope, that's wonderful.  

I should know this, but has anyone adopted a second time, a child who is NOT a sibling of their existing adoptive child and NOT a baby?  Interested in perspectives and tips....


----------



## liveinhope

Weve done the non sibling adoption but our LO was 6 months when she came home

Great news though AoC - let us know how you get on


----------



## Sun Flower

Hi AoC
We also did a non bio sibling adoption for second time, but as our AS was 2.5 years old we were matched with a baby due to age gap. Our little miss came home at 4.5months 
what age range are you considering?


----------



## panorama

Lih - congratulations! Ours is coming up on the 29th, can't wait! 


Aoc - we adopted a 2 year old 6 months ago, not a bio sibling of our ds who is now 5. Going really well so far, any questions just ask 


Xx


----------



## ritzi

aoc - great news! have been rooting for you.....sorry no only baby/siblings here. but i adopted a 3.5yr old first time around   
how old is the potential lo? it sounds v exciting


----------



## Forgetmenot

Super lovely to read liveinhope...... One you bumpy road adopters never thought we would be, but these beautiful, special children bring us more love and happiness we could ever imagine!!
Congratulations on your beautiful family xx


----------



## AoC

*rushes to PM Panorama*  Thank you!

The LO is a 2.5 year old blue.  

I think we must be certifiable....


----------



## AoC

Well, they never did come and visit....

.... they just went straight to a linking meeting and we're linked!    They're coming to visit on the 26th (very topsy turvy way of working!) and they're muttering about a possible matching panel on the 14th March.

Please, please, PLEASE let this all go ahead.  I don't think I could take it if it didn't. :/


----------



## AoC

MPanel confirmed for 14th March.  It's looking good....


----------



## panorama

Aoc - congratulations! Great news! X


----------



## Tictoc

Great news AOC


----------



## Arrows

Great news AOC bet it can't come quickly enough!


----------



## GoofyGirl

Very best of luck AoC that's fantastic news. 
Xxx


----------



## liveinhope

Great news AoC


----------



## ritzi

AOC - well done you! that's going to come around really quickly...then the madness begins   


well its half term here and with 4 kids at home its a bit chaotic, but we would not have it any other way! baby has really settled in, and its hard remembering when we were just 5! she very definitely belongs here


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Lovely news on here, everyone extending their precious families 😍 Congratulations! Oooh and whoop AoC this is WONDERFUL


----------



## GERTIE179

Woo hoo AoC fantastic news!!

Ritzi - glad everything's going well x


----------



## AoC

Waah.  Thank you guys, you've made me sniffle.  I love sharing the joy....  

Keep thinking, "what if it doesn't go ahead..." but we'll deal with that if it comes to it.  I'll feel better after they've visited, I'm sure.

25 sleeps till matching panel.


----------



## Truelove2008

Hi ladies,
I have used this site when going through Ivf and when going for my 1st adoption at the beginning..
We are now been matched with our little ones sibling. 
Can I ask you ladies if any of you changed the first name of your children?? We really want to change the name of this child as the birth families are local in fact bm is around the corner from a member of my close family and as we worry we think it could be a security risk, if say bm hears of a couple who have adopted 2 children with the names of her children she would surely put 2 and 2 together and instantly know and then we are all at risk. We live in a small world and there is only a short distance between us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
We are so excited but also worried about this, we were told we could tweak the name by changing a single vowel but that's just not enough as it still sounds more or less the same..
Many thanks in advance 
X


----------



## Tictoc

True love - I have been having the exact same conversation today. Our LO and sibling are different ethnicity to us so unless I had an affair it's pretty obvious they are adopted, birth family are all around us and having 2 kids with their names is going to stand out. I brought this up with SW today and one seemed open to the change whilst the other was pretty much against it. 

My back up plan is to put a name change in when it gets to the adoption order but not sure when to make the change at home - from the beginning and spin an elaborate web of lies - too complicated for me!

I also HATE the name of youngest.


----------



## ritzi

i have changed 2 of my 3 adopted childrens name. the oldest child was too old to have his name changed-we felt at 3 he was just too old and so kept his name as it was, though we generally call him the shortest version, eg thomas who we always call tom.  2nd child we adapted his name - eg robert became bobby, and then 3rd child name was changed completely. 


i do think it depends on the age of the child....how old is the child? why does the sw not want it changed?  obviously on the AO you can put any name you wish...


----------



## Tictoc

I can't answer for true love but in our case child is 10 weeks old so I really don't see the issue. At this point though I don't want to get backs up fighting it.


----------



## ritzi

tictoc - we simply said to ss that as a safety measure we could not have 3 children with same/similar names with bfamily nearby. 

it would put our settled family at risk, and the new baby at risk - and they ultimately would not want a disruption. our argument to use the new name from day 1 was that we did not want our children to know baby's legal name in order to keep her identity safe - and so with ss agreement we called the new name from day 1 - our children do not know her old name, and although all paperwork is in her legal name even the sw calls her the new name etc. we justified that it keeps our family safe, and we would have changed her (awful) name at AO anyways....this way it protects us all. 

hth, ritz.


----------



## Forgetmenot

Aoc huge congrats! Amazing news!

Full steam ahead.  Try and put worries aside (however was just like you).  Panel dates all super positive.

Super excited for you and bug xx


----------



## Truelove2008

Hi ladies 
Thank you so much for replying. 
The baby is 9 months old. We had our first contact for the children for a few hours at foster carers home and was all so lovely and very special as you can all imagine. My only concern is our little boy that is already with us who is almost 3 was picking up on the baby's name and saying it. We don't call him by his name or at least try to avoid it as we don't want the confusion. Foster carers are not aware that we want to change the name. We are going to be having contact regular till matching panel in April for the siblings so I am going to have to speak to sw and get advice because we don't want to start using a name that we have no intention keeping. 
Xx


----------



## AoC

Yes, speak to your SW asap, and then if necessary all agree just to use 'Baby' or some such until it's sorted.

Bug's name was changed in foster care, just before we were matched with him (they checked that we liked the new name when they linked with us, and we did).  He was two, so it was only because of a severe security risk (no proximity, but very dangerous individual) and because Bug's birth name was very distinctive that it was done.  We won't be changing Monkey's name, because it's not so individual, and we're three hours away from any risky individuals, all of whom are pretty lost in their own crazy world, anyway.    Good luck!

Visit went fine, it was as if SW had no doubts in her mind.  She's not too clear how intros will work (her first long-distance placement) and was fairly non-committal about most other things, but was really clear that FC absolutely adores Monkey, so although FC is on board for adoption plan, intros might be sticky.  He's 2.5 and still sleeping in a cot in FC's room.... eek.

And long.  They're talking two weeks.  Urg.  :-/  But whatever it takes, right?

He's gorgeous.    Cheeky, mischievous.  How did we get this lucky twice?!?


----------



## ritzi

AOC - why is he in a cot in FC room? has the sw not asked fc to move him into his own room before now? at 8 months my LO's fc was 'nagged' into moving into her own room by the sw, the IRO would have a field day surely?.....is this for the lo's need or FC?

and 2 weeks of placement - sounds too long especially if its long distance. can you speak to your sw to be negotiating the timespan. what are the concerns? is he anxious and needing more time, or again is it more about the FC? if so can you get through matching panel then in the planning meeting state that you need a more realistic intro schedule. 
if long distance it may be that LEA hire you a hotel/cottage, and in that case the days can be longer and more intense and that gives argument to be shorter not longer.
2 weeks can also proove to be too long for Bug - i found in planning meeting i had to fight for my children's needs and show that i had to spread and be mummy to them also - it was seen as a strength not a weakness that i could not devote 24/7 to the new LO because all my children need me equally, so don't be afraid to say NO we cannot sustain 2 weeks of intros with monkey to suit the FC and her emotional needs. if its for monkey's needs then fine - but i'd be surprised if it were tbh. 

hth.


----------



## AoC

Good advice, Ritzi, thanks.  

I don't know for sure why he's still in FC's room, although it didn't particularly surprise me.  I get the sense he's very much 'her baby'.  There's another, older boy in placement, so it might also be that because of delays in placing there's simply not enough room.  Equally, Monkey was pretty poorly at birth and has been quite delayed, although he's catching up now.  Bug, at 2, was in a separate room, but was still in a cot because a cot bed wouldn't fit in the room!

Conversations suggest they'll hire a cottage - I keep pointing out that if Monkey comes to us at all while intros are up his end it'll need to be a space that can accommodate up to three adults and two children!  We're hoping that SIL, who is magic with Bug, can be with us for that portion of intros where we can't be everywhere at once.  If we can't be with him, she's the next best thing.

We'd quite like to have an ongoing relationship with this FC, and I'm very sensitive to how much this will hurt her.  We can manage quite a bit of 'difficult' as long as Bug is fine.

Monkey's SWer is pretty vague, but our SWer is on the ball and a good advocate.  She was shocked we'd done a few 12 hour days with Bug's intros, so I think she'll be good at protecting our welfare.


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## Tictoc

AOC - much as it is going to be hard for the FC and your little one there is definetly a long term benefit to him being loved so much. I hope he can transfer that to you. I imagine it will prob help him that you have another child too same as in the foster placement.

The hardest thing we have faced with the adoption journey is that for our AD in her first year of life she had no one to love her, she was literally handed over to us with no goodbye or backward look and even 2.5 years on it has such a huge impact on her and she has to tell us about 100 times a day that she loves us and that we love her - don't we?

Glad to hear you have a sensible SW too - makes all the difference that she can do the fighting for you!


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## AoC

Ah, Tictoc, that's so sad.  I'm so glad she has you now.  

Yes, I think one of the reasons I'm so sanguine about what we've heard about the FC is that we both want the same thing - Monkey to be happy and loved.    It's so good for him that he's been cared for so well and loved so much and great for his attachment.  I'm sure with time he'll build those bonds with us, too.  And yes, FC was very keen they find a family with another child and that SWs should "make sure they're nice!" and I'm pretty confidence we are - LOL!  We all rather suspect Monkey will bond with Bug first, which Bug will lap up.


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## panorama

Just s quickie, our little girl is officially ours from today, end of our adoption journey, we are very very happy and blessed with two great and gorgeous kids 


Aoc - our intros were over 8 days but lo came to our house for the whole day after 3 days only, this was actually suggested by her fc. Hope it all goes great for you  xx


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