# Struggling. Again.



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hello all,

I feel as though IVF has sucked the life right out of me and I am a walking shell.

Everyday fels like a struggle to get through.  don;t feel particularly in love with my husband anymore, the arguing and difficulties brought up by IVF have left us barely speaking sometimes, most nights we just sit slumped in front of the telly. My career has been completely on hold, I'm only just starting to get back into anything. I started a new job/placement last week, and made such a fool of myself with one colleague..... I feel like my confidence is non existent. I keep arguing with my family (one sister in particular); my husband..... I just feel sad, knackered....

Where is the vibrant person I used to be, with big dreams, full of life, running around doing so many interesting things? When I think of how depressed I've been for all of our daughters life I just want to cry - being a good (sometimes great) mum takes all my energy. 

I'm just afraid I'm never going to get any of that back. I try to pick myself up. Last night, I put on a halloween party for Ruby, her cousins... invited a neighbour/friend round, a girl who I know from mother/baby group days who has struggled on the secondary infertility journey with me. She came with her hubbie, son and 8 week old daughter. It just killed me, but I put a smile on, was the hostess with the bla bla, They just looked so happy. 

Sorry for the pity party, just feeling particularly low tonight.

Thanks for listening

R xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh lovely, we meet again around the (not) coping section  

I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time.  Every time you have posted something wonderful and inspiring to me I think about how strong and amazing you are because you help me so much.  It genuinely makes me so sad to think that you are going through this.

I don't know what to say, depression is an evil thing and sadly we both know it well and know how hard it is to get out of it.  I too think about the person that I used to be and don't recognise the person looking back any more.  I think that I have seen glimpses of my old self lately but it takes so much work and it is exhausting.

I don't know what to say.  For me, I'm trying to accept that this is life.  When my bio-dad died (long tragic story of a man who never recovered from depression and died with his grief), his last words were 'such a wasted life', I think about that almost every day now.  I feel as though I am heading that way too and then I catch myself and remember thinking that it needn't have been for my dad and it still doesn't for me.

Acceptance is such a colossal thing sweetie.  It doesn't come easy or without great heartache.  It takes a huge amount of soul searching, giving up and moving on to learn to be happy with what you have.  I haven't found a way to do it yet but, for me distraction is the best medicine right now and the best pill that I have found in a very long time (puppy, not for everyone I know but she is helping me to heal where nothing has helped before).  Whatever you find that can plaster over that horrible hole in your heart for a little while is just so important, it doesn't replace or repair the hurt but it can at least give you a little head space and peace for the damage that infertility does is immense.  

It sounds like you are just at rock bottom lovely and with what you have been through it is no wonder.  It sounds like you just need a break, to put everything else on hold for a little while and to just concentrate on you and on healing yourself.  Is there anything that you enjoy or that you can do to find this?

Confidence is the thing that I struggle with most, its crushing and nibbles away at you.  I chopped all of my hair off again the other day, it didn't help one iota but it did make me feel just that tiny bit rebellious and gave me a little confidence booster.  Whatever helps right    Little steps forward all of the time from now on, it doesn't matter how little or insignificant they might feel but it is all helping you to find yourself again.

Sending you the biggest hug from one of your biggest fans xxxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Oh Molly thank you so much, you always write such lovely sweet things. It always cheers me up!!!!!! 

I'm feeling a bit better about things. I find that sometimes I just wake up in a bad mood, where everything seems too much, or like I don;t want to have to cope with the little things. Last weekend, Saturday I think it was, was one of those days. The night before (halloween) had been good fun, but then I got a bit drunk, mouthed off at my DH a bit, got into a grump.... although he was sweet about it the following morning. I think it had been too hard to invite my neighbour/friend Denise round with her son (4) and 8 week old daughter. We'd walked the whole secondary infertility walk tog, and it just felt so sad to see how happy they were... I remember her telling me how her relationship had suffered, barely any sex, no communication, fights... and they looked so happy. They had their dream. To reach the same level of happiness for me and my DH now requires effort, theirs seems so effortless. They are really nice, I do want to stay friends, it's just so very hard. 

Many up days, many down. My psychotherapist says that it can take 2-4 years to move through grieving. 

I'm trying to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I'm back on a health kick, gonna get back into training. I've started a new placement for my course and that's so exciting. 

Little by little, things will improve, it's just the steps back are so scary because I have been to such dark places over the past 3 years. 

We can do it!

Hugs right back to you, from your biggest fan too!!!!!!! 

R xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Molly,

I forgot to add that the story of your dad's depression is very touching and sad, I'm sure it was so hard for him to live with, and so hard for you to see him pass away with such regret. I can really say - having never actually met you - that you come across as having tons of positivity. Even when you are in the worst place you write in a warm, funny touching way. I really don;t think you have any chance of falling to the same levels of depression, and isn;t it a good thing that you are so aware of it, so vigilant of it? They say awareness is the first and hardest hurdle. Even reaching out to people to tell them how you are feeling is massive. 

You'll get through this! We will!!!!!   

R xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello sweet pea, I saw your other post so I thought that I would let you know that I am thinking of you.

That little inkling of hope every month is an absolute killer.  It doesn't matter how many years that pesky AF comes without fail, we still hope beyond hope that this month will be different.  Being a week late too, you poor lovely  

How are things at home?  How are you feeling about your DH.  Give your beautiful Ruby a huge hug and remember how special and important you are. 

I hope that you truly let your hair down last night, cocktails sounded very wonderful and needed   xxx


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