# Clangers, part II: making the best of bad situations



## Handstitchedmum

The original Clangers thread was approaching 100 pages, so we have locked it and started a new thread here for readers to read and share.

The spirit of that thread (and this continuation of it) is to share your stories of experiencing insensitivity towards infertility ("clangers") and how you have made the best of these situations (which often just means sharing and laughing/crying here).

Out of courtesy to others, do try to limit discussion on this thread. Consider, instead, linking your post to another thread for spin-off discussions and replies! This will help the thread remain a source of amusement and relief for readers.

Moderators will use their discretion to move / split off posts or on-going discussions.

Enjoy! Xx


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## violeta

Thanks for starting a new thread! 

Well, I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first child but third pregnancy, as I had two losses last year after treatment - both of which were devastating. Now that I've passed the first huge milestone, I'm starting to tell people. I'm actually getting sick of people who are saying "oooh I knew it would happen as soon as you left the stressful job!" or "I told you it would happen!". I know they mean well but I am SO so sick of telling people that everyday work stress has NOTHING to do with infertility or miscarriage - when people say things like "just relax" or even in a sympathetic way blame the work environment for stress, it unintentionally comes across as "this was something that you could control if only you could relax". I've lost count of the number of medical professionals who have said that "just relaxing" has no effect. Granted, it's good to *be* relaxed as it's already a stressful situation. Anyhow, because I simply can't be bothered to enter into discussion most of the time I just nod and say "thank you".

Those who say "I told you it would happen!" - ok, not a clanger as such, but it kind of de-legitimises the way I was feeling last year throughout the failed cycles followed by losses. As if I should have been "oh well, it will happen soon!" when I found that impossible. People who haven't been through this just don't understand and yet I'm scared that if I correct them then people will tell me I'm being ungrateful and negative, which I'm not - I just want people to realise that this journey is really damn tough.


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## magicpillow

I so agree with you Violeta.  It kind of diminishes the hell we go through in this journey.  Someone said to me that she is sure she got pregnant in the first month as her diet is totally organic.  Great for her but we have no sperm so that 'aint working for us!  The same woman said to me (when I was on day 3 of stimms) that at least I had options and I could always do donor sperm or adoption.  Or great, thanks, now I feel fine!!


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## PinkPeacock

My sister in law, when she got pregnant the first month after their honeymoon said "I have some news, I'm pregnant, can't believe it's happened so quickly for us. It must be because he's The One and its Meant To Be". 

Hmmmm.... Yeah, so me and my husband had been struggling for five years at that point because he's not The One and it isn't Meant to Be? 

Yeah, well she's now separated from my husband's brother and they have a five year old and an 8 month old. My heart is breaking for my neice and nephew, and for my brother and sister in law too as they're both good people, but it makes my blood boil that she said that to me.


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## Turia

My OH and I were together 23 years before we finally got pregnant over a year ago, what does that say about our relationship?  Obviously not meant to be by her thinking!

Having said that, I'm also sorry that their family is now breaking apart.
Turia x


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## littlerosie

That's some perseverance Turia, enjoy your precious baby


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## Turia

Thanks Little Rosie.  Funnily enough my OH keeps joking he doesn't know if I'm 'the one' yet.....at least I hope he is joking     
Turia x


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## violeta

PinkPeacock, that's why I cannot stand it when people use the "it's fate" argument with me. Fate is first of all SUCH a first world argument and secondly it only seems to apply when there's a happy ending. What about people that don't get happy endings? Is that still fate or is it doom or what? I believe that we make the best out of whatever hand we've been dealt. People on these boards are examples of that. I don't believe that any of us were 'destined' to have infertility and have to go through hell, but I think we've all made the best out of the rubbish situations we've been dealt - and that's all we can do. I hate it when people tell me my miscarriages are "fate". They weren't fate at all, they were both really awful and I will NEVER stop wondering what each child would have been like, even though it looks like I will be getting my precious rainbow baby this year.


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## June2015

My friend recently told me that treatment was definitely going to work for me, as she had a dream it did! Fab news then, shame the dream didn't come with specific details


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## maybebaybee

Some friends of mine have been TTC since they got married a few years ago, without any luck. Recently they learned that their 17 year-old daughter (stepkid) is pregnant. One of the responses on ******** was, "Great! Now you don't need your own baby you can focus on the grandbaby!"


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## Fertilityhawk

That's dreadful!!!!!!


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## violeta

maybebaybee said:


> Some friends of mine have been TTC since they got married a few years ago, without any luck. Recently they learned that their 17 year-old daughter (stepkid) is pregnant. One of the responses on social media was, "Great! Now you don't need your own baby you can focus on the grandbaby!"


Whaaaaaat?! That is so insensitive!


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## mmj

People just don't have a clue,do they...
My latest is not directly IF related but very close...
We're currently on 2ww and I'm struggling with it big time,more than I did the first time round. Our first cycle ended in a very short lived CP and DH shared the news with his parents. Didn't tell them about treatment but did about our loss,he has also mentioned that we were going to have extensive tests. They never ask for updates and he only mentions it occasionally. 
Yesterday he got a birthday parcel from them (they live abroad) with a letter-Birthday wishes. They wish him lots of health as they think he's got neurological problems and needs to go on meds. Nobody expects him to have everything,everything all at once (people work for it for years). He is hiding something from them and they are worried as he doesn't get in touch often-if he offloads,he will feel better. 
WTF?! So much for support from his side of family...
Sorry,just needed to get that off my chest (my MIL would be proud...) and I know you'll understand. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry last night and the fact that I'm pumped full of hormones certainly doesn't help....


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## Alwayshopeful76

Not quite a clanger but have to share a ' this can't be happening situation' that you have to laugh at, but only when it's passed!

I had to go for my most recent et in Greece along on my fortieth birthday ( money getting short on cycle five!) which was ok. 'I'll just celebrate it tomorrow' I kept thinking 'it's just a day',

Plane delayed on way back, didn't leave until midnight. Wasn't going to see hubby at all on birthday and spending it all alone, started to feel a little more shaky. Then got on the plane and on the aisle seat to my right was a baby, and the seat behind her twin baby sister! I nearly ran screaming from the plane! This never happened to me in 40 years of flying, why now! I offered to swap so they couldn't sit together (and me apart! But they said they couldn't as there weren't enough oxygen masks. I thought about asking the flight attendant to swap but it was Ryanair! So I sat down and just about held it together. A little while into the flight she strikes up a conversation with the mums of a toddler in the seat in front who kept popping his head up, about kids and I wanted to cry. 
Then at the end, when all I wanted to do was run screaming off that damn plane, I had to wait until last. The lady couldn't manage her case and the baby. The case was heavy and I didn't want to lift it having just had transfer and so gives me this withering look when I said I couldn't help. I really felt life had kicked me in the guts at that point! 

My husband met me of the plane and got the full force of it all- poor thing he couldn't even offer me a drink which is his solution to me being upset normally! what we have to go through in off isn't just all the injections and medical indignities- this stuff it just as hard!


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## IndigoBlue

Really nowhere else I can share this...
background is all but a tiny bit of 1 ovary wiped out by a tumour - removal of said tumour also took fallopian tube with it so zero chance of any natural conception to the extent it's DE IVF or nothing. I had a hysteroscopy a couple of days ago - needed a general anaesthetic due to previous history - all fine, held it together right until the pre-op check included a sodding pregnancy test!. WTAF! If I'd expected it I maybe wouldn't have cried all over the lovely nurse admitting me who said it was "cruel but necessary" 
That would have been enough to deal with except when I was coming round in recovery the nurse decided the best thing to do was ask me how many kids I had. Yeah, cheers for that! already vulnerable, half out of it and in pain and she thought that would be a good thing to bring up!! When I got upset she then said "oh I haven't read your notes so I didn't know" No. ****. Sherlock.

would a little tact be too much to ask for?


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## Fertilityhawk

ouch!!  Indigoblue that was brutal of the nurse asking how many children you have.  I'm sure she was horrified but all the time was really quite tactless.

Sometimes though you just have to laugh at the situations we're in.  Of course it's the opposite of funny but if we took everything so serious all of the time we'd go nuts.  

Sending lots of hugs your way    and wishing you a speedy recovery
xxx


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## bobo66

Indigoblue that is awful! Not even 'Do you have children?' But 'How many children do you have?' And when you'd just had a gynae procedure.

AND after being given no warning of the pregnancy test pre-op. You would think the surgeon might have warned you, given your history?

Honestly, if you feel up to it, maybe think about giving some feedback to the department? Not necessarily with enough details to identify who the nurse was and not necessarily as a complaint, but really to suggest some reflection on how they deal with vulnerable people post-op. 

Hoping and praying your recovery goes smoothly xx


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## K jade

indigo I agree. defiantly give  feedback if you can . 
that really is unacceptable 
xx


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## IndigoBlue

cheers all for your kind words - I'm definitely going to say something - I've had such utter **** from NHS staff in the past that I'm used to *something* happening and it really isn't that shocking. BUT I don't want anyone else to have to experience it.
Bang on cue a letter came this morning inviting me to take part in a patient feedback panel - more than happy to go along and speak up - let's hope something filters down to the staff involved

-The feedback group would also be a good time to also bring up the fact that for the blood tests I had to "query menopause?" post tumour we were sent to what was essentially the antenatal phlebotomy clinic. 
"_please take a number and sit alongside a whole corridor full of obviously pregnant ladies and their partners whilst you wait to be called_ Thankfully in that instance, the phlebotomist who popped her head out the door took one look at the tears streaming down my face and the look on pure devastation on my husband's and called me in ahead of the queue.... to a room adorned with posters promoting breastfeeding and the stages of child development. 

one day I will write a book - everything crossed that it has a happy ending  

thanks again for all the support - much appreciated


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## scribbles

Indigo - how absolutely bloody insensitive awful! The NHS is brilliant and there are some fantastic people working within it. Some people however, need a lump hammer to head. When we had our MC, we had a vile registrar who wouldn't do a D&C on me because "I would be taking up a space in the theatre that could be used by a child who needed it". I went home swearing and in tears, ended up haemorraging the next day and had to have an emergency D&C. I saw the same registrar who then wouldn't look me in the eye. 

Just taken DD to playgroup where I saw one of the other pregnant ladies there who was the same week as me. She started complaining saying how she didn't want the baby anyway, that getting pregnant was a mistake and she hates everything about pregnancy. I wanted to slap her so hard. She asked how my baby was, so as I was furious with her o said "We lost the baby, I would do anything to feel everything you hate just so I could have my baby back" and walked away in tears. 

I'm still fuming!


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## sophiekh

My younger sister had her baby about 3 weeks, the whole process has been quite traumatic to be honest. Im still grieving that I may never have a baby, and basically everyone is falling pregnant constantly around me.  

I went to help her the other day, and held the baby for a while but he got hungry, my sis is b/f him so unfortunately he was trying to latch onto me, my sis walked passed and 'oh you wont be getting any milk from there' which I know I was a joke, but for me its are reminder im not going to have that bond with a baby.

This year ive tried to be be stronger -  as I am the only single infertile one - i cant escape babies


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## Hoping 2014

Gosh Sophie that's breathtakingly ignorant. I'd blame post pregnancy hormones but really that's is quite insensitive of your sister. 

That's really inexcusable. Shame on her.


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## HopefulAmy

Having just had two failed DDFETs over the summer I'm really struggling with the infertitily demons again. I have a friend whose eldest kid is the same age as my only child and she is pg with her 3rd. She had to take clomid each time as she has pcos so you'd think she would have some tact. Nope. "Try to be grateful for what you have. I bet you thought you'd never have your DS. That might redirect you to what's important." WTAF??     Didn't see her being grateful for what she had and settling for one child. How dare she? If she can want more so can I and how the hell dare she imply that I'm not grateful enough for my DS!!

If one more person with multiple kids tells me to be grateful for what I have I swear I won't be responsible for my actions!


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## violeta

That's really insensitive, Amy, I'm sorry to hear that  It's kinda like when I had my second miscarriage and a number of people told me to focus on what I had, rather than what I didn't have. Really unhelpful and completely unsupportive. I started to tell people that unless they had gone through it, they are not in a position to offer a solution. Someone even told me that their friend said they regretted having their three year old so "having kids wasn't all it was cracked up to be". Er, how is that the same thing?? Infertility and pregnancy loss need support, not solutions - this has become my go to phrase if it helps xx


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## pollita

In the time I've been trying (since 2012) one of my friends has fallen pregnant 3 times, each time on the first month of trying. She knows all about my IVF and mc and I KNOW she thinks she is being supportive but she keeps messaging me saying things like "I had a dream last night that you were pregnant!" Or when I said I was struggling after my mc "just relax and doing another IVF and you'll get pregnant again " (because it's that easy)

After she decided to wait until Christmas Day to announce her second pregnancy, just days after we had discussed how much I was struggling with my recent mc, I decided to not tell her when or if I was going for more attempts because I couldn't face getting those messages from her. In fact nobody in real life knows I'm in the middle of another IVF, just the doctors and this board! But that's made her "call me out" on apparently being pregnant. She messages me with things like "I know you're pregnant so why are you being so secretive?!" Or the worst one yesterday, in front of a group of our friends who all know about my past says "so surely someone else here is pregnant, huh? Come on, someone's not telling!!!"

And do you want to know the real kicker? SHE WORKS IN A GYN HOSPITAL!!! she sees women having mc everyday in her job and she just doesn't get how insensitive she is being to me. I was stern with her last message, telling her that once I have news and I'm ready to share I will. It doesn't seem to placate her though 😞


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## bobo66

Pollita - that's awful! And works in a gyn hospital!

New supervisor (for a small part of my work which involves working with children) today asks "Do you have children of your own?" "No" I reply. "Not yet" says supervisor, then "Good, well - actually it's not good, but" Cue awkward silence and then I talk about how awkward it is being at baby and toddler group when people make assumptions.  Seriously, open questions...? I need to get a better response on tap 🙂


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## June2015

I said to a friend quite a long time ago that my husband and I were trying for a baby. Well, que a couple of years later and still no baby. I've not told her we're having IVF as I don't want her to know.  However since I made the error of telling her I'd like a family she keeps asking about it and dropping hints that perhaps I should go to the doctors etc, like I haven't ever thought of that.  The other day she even left a message on my voicemail saying maybe I'd like to go to the alternative parenting show this weekend.......I know she means well as she clearly thinks I'm in denial and not facing up to my problems (she's obviously drawing this conclusion due to the fact I haven't sprouted a child yet) but I just don't know now how to tell her to leave me alone and stop saying things. I know her hearts in the right place though.  

It always makes me smile when people ask if you have kids and you say no, the stoney silence at the other end.... I just say no and nothing else. People just dont know how to react!


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## Talkingfrog

Not a clanger by an individual  but not expected.  Went into the toilets in the shopping centre in town.  What was advertised on the back of the door - a clinic offering pregnancy scans and scan packages.  I could understand it in a woman's  mag  or pregnancy mag,  but would you choose to pay for  a 12/ 20 week scan based on an advert in the ladies toilets!

Hoping to transfer our frostie  around 6/7 October - must remember  to  use  alternative  toilets  towards otd.

Just thought - wonder what is advertised in the mens, disabled and baby change    will have to ask dh  in the morning  about the mens.


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## Handstitchedmum

Met my new mentor at work.

Mentor: so you have a husband. Kids?
Me [smiling confidently]: I don't have children.
Mentor: Yet.
Me [less smiling, more forceful]: I don't have children.
Mentor [smiles knowingly]: _Yet_.
Me [narrows eyes]: ...

Ahh, if fertility were only a battle of wills, she may have won..!


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## magicpillow

Oh god how annoying - I hate being asked if I've got kids!  When I say no there is either a stoney silence or the person says 'not yet!'

Well mine follows on from one back in April when I went for a meal out with friends, two of whom were heavily pregnant.  I'd had a mc two months earlier from my first ivf.  Luckily at the meal I was sitting with the non pregnant ones which helped.  Anyway, at the end of the night, one of them who is pregnant (in first month of trying at 39) asked me if I'd had another ivf yet.  I said 'god no, I'm still trying to get over the miscarriage and recover'.  She said that really, until you can feel the baby move it's not much of a big deal so 'if anything had happened before 20 weeks I'd have thought oh well!'  What the actual f***!!  I can't believe she said that to me, knowing what we've been through when she was sitting there smugly 8 month pregnant conceived in the first month. 

After that I didn't go out with that group as I never wanted to see her again but I braved it again on saturday as I do miss some of the other girls.  I'd messaged in our ******** group in advance to tell them that we'd had another ivf in July and it had been unsuccessful and that I didn't want to talk about it on the night out so thought I'd tell them in advance (mainly because of that one girl as she'd be bound to say something else flippant).    They were all quite sweet and said no worries, they wouldn't bring it up. 

Meal started well, not too much baby talk and then we were talking about the programme tattoo fixers.  She then said that there was one guy who had two hands tattooed near his neck to which we all said 'oooh no'.  She said though that apparently they were in memory of his stillborn son and that it was really over the top and he should 'just move on and get over it'.  I was stunned as even if a tattoo isn't your bag - you never get over stillbirth!!!!  The other thing that peed me off was that she was saying she wants to go back to work part time and if they say no, she'll go back full time but just have another baby so she can go off again.  Oh what luxury to be able to 'just have another baby' at 40 when you choose.  For me it's been 4 years, 2ivfs, 1 mc and still no baby. 

I really feel like I never want to see her again.  It's just a shame I'll miss out on seeing the others.  Feel better for getting this off my chest though!!


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## Talkingfrog

I am sorry  magic pillow  - she doesn't  really sound  like  much of a friend.  If you don't  want to face her again ( I wouldn't ) could you  meet up with just a few of the others for  a tea or coffee. It is not  fair  that you  miss out  on meeting  friends because  she is inconsiderate.  If it was not the whole  group meeting it wouldn't  look as if you were singling anyone  out.


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## Angedelight

Magic pillow just read your last post. Heres a virtual smack in the mouth for your smug friend 👊

Well, I think my period is about to start which means I have to get a scan on day 1 or 2, send it to my clinic and they decide what dose meds I then need to take before flying over there on day 6.

The closest/cheapest scan place is only in bloody Mothercare! 😂😂😂 I've avoided that place like the plague and now I have to go in there and get this scan done. I'm more concerned about this than the treatment itself, it's the stuff of infertile nightmares!!!


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## Fertilityhawk

Note to myself, never go to the motorway services during half term, babies 👶🏻 everywhere!!!!!


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## HopefulAmy

Mothercare? OMG you poor love


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## Ditzygirl

Aw Mrs C :-( Big hugs!

Need help for a response to this....

One of my stupid social media friends (who doesn't know about my infertility) has just tagged me in a stupid post: Girls names most likely to get pregnant in 2017! So flipping annoyed!


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## magicpillow

My mum did her usual yesterday.  I was saying I might not send Christmas cards this year as I've been feeling a bit sad that it's another childless Christmas and that last year we got our bfp on xmas eve (which I think miscarried in Feb).  She said yes well she keeps getting xmas cards from people who tell her they've got another grandchild and she really doesn't want to hear it.  Errr, thanks, that makes me feel worse!

Everytime I make reference to the journey being hard, she just says it's hard for her as all her friends talk about their grandchildren all the time!


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## Fertilityhawk

Magicpillow that's so annoying and upsetting as well.  I do think that all of your immediate family goes through the journey as well to a certain extent, but your mum is undermining your struggle with focusing on how hard it is for her too.

I think it's some mums as mine does very similar things.  Mine likes to tell me who else can't have children, like it's a club that no one wants to be part of, but she also tells me about their failures as well - recently she said "ooh I bumped into Pat and her daughter had 3 attempts and even lost one at 26 weeks but she's now 8 months pregnant"  I not actually sure how she expects or wants me to respond to this.


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## Northern

So a friend announced her pregnancy last night - her second in the time we've been on this ridiculous journey, her first will be 2 in a few weeks. I was expecting it as she'd told us she wanted to try for another and I know it didn't take her long last time. But the comment that really did me was, "_I just stopped drinking, it worked last time!"_ Another friend laughed and said 'is that all you need to do?' "_yes that's all you need to do girls, just stop drinking!"_ Now she has no idea of our struggles so I need to forgive her innocence, but I just wanted to scream "that's NOT all you need to do, it might be all some people need to do, but I pray to God it was that easy for the rest of us!"

Urgh, they are just everywhere at the moment, both her sisters in law are pregnant and these new babies will be in the same school year, another friend's little sister is pregnant, so inevitably every meet up from now on will be all about the baby talk.

Thankful for somewhere to vent, thanks FF!


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## June2015

Happy Christmas everyone.

So, I'm not sure if this is a clanger really, but I'll tell you anyway.

I am extremely lucky to now be 13 weeks pregnant. Yesterday my niece was asking my Dad (her granddad) if he is looking forward to being a granddad again.  He said, he is excited but not as much as before.  She said what do you mean, he said well, I've been through the process with you and your brother, so this is the third time now. 

Now my dad didn't know I heard this conversation, but even so, it still upset me.  He knows the struggles and disappointment my DH and I have been through and yet, as I see it from his comment, this grandchild just isn't quite as important. (I know he didn't say that, but that's how the comment made me feel). I'll get over it, but I wish people would think before they speak.

And Northern, don't you just love the friendly advice people give you. Like it's that simple for everyone.  Well, good luck to you my love. 

X


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## Ditzygirl

We're in the middle of our 2nd cycle of icsi and popped over to see some friends last night. My friend's wee girl (who is almost 4) was giving me a cuddle and said out of the blue "you've got a baby in your tummy!". I said "eh, nope. Definitely not!" and she said "yes you do! I can hear it!" and proceeded to put her ear to my stomach. Here's hoping she's right. xx


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## magicpillow

Ah bless you Ditzy.  
Mine isn't a clanger as such but one of those things you don't really want to be asked when you're going through infertility.  I went for an ultrasound recently as I'd been getting some abdominal pain so my GP referred me.  The lady scanned me said 'I see you've had IVF' and I said 'yes a couple of rounds'.  She asked me if I now had children to which I replied sadly no.  She then said very matter of factly, 'so are you now going to adopt?'  I said 'errr no, we are planning round 3 of treatment'.  I just hate the way people assume you just seamlessly move onto adoption and it's the cure for the situation.  

She also asked me why I couldn't conceive and I said 'my partner doesn't have any sperm'.  She seemed quite shocked but I wanted to tell it how it is as people always think it's a woman's problem.


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## Ditzygirl

Grrr!! How rude!!


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## Sah78

magicpillow- you would think that a nurse would know better. My mil said to Dh why don't you adopt when he felt down about or situation she said you adopted your cat it is the same. Really...


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## beachbaby

Hi Ladies, I so feel for you all. I was blessed with twins 8 years ago. However my friend conceived no 2 after a while of trying (caught on immediately with no1) and knew I was trying also, I was ok with it. Move on 4 years and she turns up at my shop heavily pregnant my poor hubby was devastated as we had just started out 4th attempt after diagnosis form the miscarriage clinic. To be fair my friend had stayed away as she felt guilty and never rubbed it in. fast forward to the birth of her 3rd I went round to see the baby and share my news that we had finally succeeded and I was 14 weeks pregnant with twins, her health visitor showed up and my friend shared the news and the HV asked me out right in front of everyone if I'd had IVF as I was an older mum and having twins, I was mortified, this was in a room full of people.
Iam not surprised at anything health care officials ask as they seem to have no diplomacy and never engage brains first. 
I had an emergency hysterectomy after my boys were born and have never had a period since, every smear test I get asked the date of my last period, sept 2007 and then asked why and I have to explain everything, but its all on the computer in my notes if they just read up first.


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## June2015

Ah, beachbaby, I feel your pain.  But health visitors, doctors etc should know better. It's enough to make your blood boil really.  

The other day I went into a local shop in my village and one of the workers said to me 'oh, I hear congratulations are in order, had you been trying long?' I was rather taken back by this question, which was then followed up with 'so why did you wait so long to have children,' and 'is your husband pleased'.... my my my, I just wanted to say 'none of your blinkin business' but I'm too polite for that and just proceed to spout out rubbish lol.  The joys of people who have no filters hay


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## magicpillow

Oh god Beachbaby and June - people do not think before they speak!  I'm looking forward to being asked about contraception in the future - errr my partner has no sperm so no need for that!

I'm a mature student and I had a meeting with my personal tutor the other day who knows all about the ivf situation.  I was explaning that I'll be coming up for treatment again soon and it would be likely to be during my next placement.  At the time I was feeling sensitive as it was the 1 year anniversary of my miscarriage and I felt wobbly.  Anyway, tutor asked me if I couldn't just wait until the course has finished before doing treatment.  Errr no because I'll be 41 then!  She then proceeded to almost tell me off about what the attendance regulations are, even though I've got no intention of going below them.  Really upset me!!


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## magicpillow

Oh yeh and she asked me about adoption again.....bloody hell!!!!


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## June2015

Oh magicpillow,

People really really don't think.  Your tutor is lucky you've even shared the information with her about ivf.  You go ahead and cycle girl and prove her wrong that you can do both xxxx


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## tentoes

I feel awful for everyone else having to put up with the clangers.  I don't know about everyone else, but hearing them always makes me feel so much more alone in all this - makes me realise how little other people get it.  Just before Christmas I went to a lunch organised by a good friend of mine (let's call her "S").  She kept hassling me as to why I wasn't drinking much and why I didn't seem very happy, so I told her that we had found out (after trying for the last 2 years and getting lots of tests) we weren't going to be able to get pregnant other than through ICSI, and that I was pretty scared about the whole process, and the uncertainty of it all and scared we may never have children. It was all pretty new and I started to cry.  Her response: she told me that "You have a husband you adore and you own your own place.  So you cannot be happy. You are acting so silly crying because you have to get a bit of treatment.  You don't have the right to be unhappy".  Those were almost her words exactly.  She meant well (I think), but telling me that I can't feel emotional about it all ...


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## Fertilityhawk

Hi Tentoes, that's a horrible thing for your friend to say!  Unbelievable how inconsiderate some people can be.  If she'd have said - "you know what that's crap news, but get your positive head on, at least now you know and can move forward with your treatment.  Yes it's scary but you can do this" - that would have been a no nonsense pull your socks up kind of response - but to say you don't have the right to be emotional is just horrid.

Magicpillow - slap her round the face with a fish!  What on earth was she thinking asking you to choose between treatment and your studies.  I don't think people realise how strong us IVF ladies are and what we can achieve  

I met up with my old boss last week, I hadn't seen him for 4 years so was lovely to see him.  We just picked up where we left off and was lovely, but soon came the comments of "friend of a friend didn't have her kids until late forties" and "friend of a friend adopted two children and then got pregnant naturally"  - although this isn't a clanger, it's so boring hearing these things over and over again.


----------



## tentoes

Magicpillow - your tutor needs a good shake!! Some people really don't have a clue, do they? 

Fertilityhawk - I hear you.  I'm so sick of the comments - the assumptions that if we all just relax it'll happen naturally.  Or that adoption is a really easy route that we can just take if we want to.  I have had quite a few "oh, just relax and I'm sure it will happen" (er, no, DH has no sperm so it really won't just happen no matter how relaxed we both are!).  Before we found out why we couldn't get pregnant I got a lot of: "I think the problem is your job - it's too stressful" (thereby just adding to the stress and making me convinced this was all my fault!).  I just have to keep biting my lip and telling myself that these people mean well... 

Re my friend - I'm sure she meant well, and she was trying to do a friendly "it will be okay, think of the positives" thing but it came out all so badly.  First, pushing me to confess what was going on in a group situation and then, secondly, when I did, seeming to get angry at me for being upset and minimizing how I was feeling.  It was all pretty awful and embarrassing.  I'm not normally a crier, at least not in public!


----------



## Ditzygirl

Tentoes - I can't believe how insenstive your friend was! You are allowed to feel any way you want about your situation! 

I got a bfn this morning, one day before my official test date. We have only told a hand full of people about this cycle, but I've been so annoyed by the reaction of some people, as in, someone being annoyed that I tested early and a couple of others saying 'well, you never know! It might turn into a positive'. I know my own body. It's a negative. Please don't get my hopes up.


----------



## magicpillow

Yeh I get sick of hearing people telling me it might still happen as people have ivf and then it happens naturally blah blah.  We have no chance of natural conception so that won't happen to us!


----------



## magicpillow

Tentoes - your friend was appalling!!
Ditzy, sorry to hear about your bfn lovely.  People don't have a clue do they.  I love this thread.  Sometimes it gives me a laugh but it also reassures me that others have to put up with these insensitive comments.


----------



## Ditzygirl

Thanks magicpillow . xx


----------



## Rosie11

We too didn't tell many people this time round after all the clangers we received last time (ie 'just eat really well for a couple of months', 'don't think about it and it will happen' - as if I'm the Virgin Mary, oh and then my 'pregnancy' being commented on at work based on incorrect gossip and puffed-up progesterone belly).

However, the good friend I did tell that it had failed last week has yet to even reply to my message telling her it was a BFN! I can't quite believe it. The other friend I told immediately launched into her own fairly trivial problems. I'm always the listener, but just this once would like to have a good, uninterrupted sobby blab... Thank goodness for here and you ladies, I tell you! 

Xx


----------



## ELKA82

the worst one today. From "best" friend. 5 years ago she fell pregnant with her second, i was so upset and it pushed us to start our investigations and ended up with ICSI. In the end, her boy is just over 3 month older than our girl. Forward to just 30 min ago. Chatting on Facetime and she telling me how lucky i am, that i dont need to bother with the pill. And continues with, MAY BE I WILL HAVE THIRD AND JUST GIVE IT TO YOU, BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF USING PILL. I switched her off quick, said i needed to go. Now i am holding back tears and screams, because my 4yo around. How She is been there from start of my journey Time to distance myself again


----------



## magicpillow

That's awful Elka.  People just have no clue unless they have been through the journey.  I could scream sometimes.  I told a friend once about everything including the failed icsi and mc.  She said 'well I'm sure it'll all work out'.  Errr well it might not!  I get asked all the time about adoption as if it will magically make up for everything. 
Some people just don't have the sensitivity.  Some of my oldest friends still do surprise pregnancy annoucements when we all get together for meals even though they know about our situation.  They just don't seem to get that I might need a bit of advanced warning or that I might find it hard.


----------



## Ditzygirl

Rosie - I realy hope your friend had a  good reason for not contacting you?! How awful!
Elka  - How nasty! I can't believe she thinks that's ok  to say that!
Magicpillow - It's crazy how insensitive even good friends can be. 
I think I'm maybe over-sensitive when it comes to some things,  like it really annoys me when my pregnant friend 'likes' stuff on social media from pregnancy pages and funny memes etc about being pregnant. I just want to escape from it all. X


----------



## magicpillow

Yes I've come off ******** for that reason.  I can't stand all the mum pages and mum blogs etc.


----------



## Ditzygirl

Wise move Magicpillow.  Xx


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## magicpillow

I've got another one.  One of my friends is currently pregnant with number 3 (which she announced at a meal out with friends, knowing what I've been going through).  I sent her a birthday card recently and she text to say thanks and asked how things were going with me.  I said I was busy with uni, wedding preps etc and mentioned ivf 3 coming up soon.  She replied to say she wished me luck with it all and how she was now on maternity leave.  She said it was great as she can now focus all her time on her two daughters and the new baby and how she couldn't believe that he or she would be here before we know it.  The text ended with two baby bottle emojis.  Great, thanks for that!


----------



## Blueberry girl

Need to get this off my chest! Sister in law is fully aware of all our infertility struggles. Nevertheless, she posted photograph of her son on ******** tagging her nephew in it saying ‘ look how cute he is!  He’s the only cousin he (nephew) has but he’s definitely the coolest!’ Yes. The only cousin he has because we miscarried our baby last year… so obviously can’t compete in that ‘cool kid’ competition. Why would any loving sister/ SIL post that? Why make reference to him being ‘the ONLY cousin he has?’ Why not just say ‘Look how cute my son looks?’. Only days earlier she tagged us in a post about how amazing Dads are and the plight of single mothers?!? Why would anyone do that when she knows her brother can’t have kids?

 A friend one week after my miscarriage sent me celebratory a text after her 20 week scan saying ‘IT’S A GIRRLL!!’ Then goes on to tell me my miscarriage happened for a reason ( so it’s ok then) and I’ll be pregnant again in no time even though she knew DH has zero sperm count and we have ivf.

 Another person telling me a stillbirth is worse than a miscarriage?!? Why would you even to presume to understand that pain, I haven’t had a still birth and neither has she, I don’t think we should be putting baby loss pain in a top ten countdown!! It’s all horrific!

 My Mum, even though very supportive, even suggested ‘cloning’ ( like Dolly the sheep) or using my brother’s sperm at one point- she struggles massively with the science bit!! After I picked myself off the floor and put my jaw back in place, I calmly explained why these weren’t viable options…  

I could literally go on and on, endless lists of insensitive clangers! From every direction recently. All the usual, 'have you thought about adopting...? ones.   Strange too, that people seem preoccupied with surragacy, even with male factor infertility! I think they watch too many soaps on tv!

 Maybe I’m just too sensitive. I need to develop a hide like a rhino. Water off a duck’s back. Not managing it yet though...what a relief to vent it on here!
I honestly feel like i'm losing the plot sometimes! x


----------



## Angedelight

I think I actually hate people sometimes.
Blueberry girl that's awful. People just seem so needlessly thoughtless/tactless/insensitive.
I wanted to punch someone on Saturday night. I am not a violent person but he literally dropped every sentence no infertile wants to hear!.
I went out for a friends 40th back in my hometown- I live 40 miles up the road now so had a ready made excuse as to why I wasn't drinking/ 'oh I'm driving!'. I'm also a nurse and work shifts- another godsend when out and not drinking- 'oh I'm on the early shift' tomorrow, even if it's a lie.. The amount of people who ask if you're pregnant if you're not drinking is ridiculous.
Anyway. I hadn't seen this guy for around 14 years. Had a general catch up.
Him: Have you got kids?
Me: No
Him: Do you want them?
Me: yes, someday.
Him: Are you trying?
Me: Um, sort of (by now feeling very uncomfortable!)
Him: you want to get a move on that clocks ticking!
By now I'm literally dying and wanting to punch him.
Then he goes on to tell me how kids change your life, how amazing it is blah blah. He then proceeds to say he's only with his partner because of their child, relationship isn't good etc.
I wish I had said in response to do you have kids:
No but I have 30 dead embryos and had a miscarriage for Christmas.
I don't know why I/we spare people the truth at these times when they are so insensitive/thoughtless/tactless.
I also wanted to say if someone is my age and doesn't have kids, unless they've made it very clear it's a choice they probably have issues!.
And in response to his they change your life blah blah I wanted to say well clearly not for the best if you're stuck in a dead end relationship feeling resentful. 
It makes me so mad that people define you by that. I have an interesting job, I've just been promoted, I'm well travelled, I've got lots of interests, I've been with my husband for 17 years this year and we still like each other and really enjoy spending time together.
Anyway, rant over. The next person will not be spared!!!!.
Keep going everyone xxx


----------



## June2015

MrsC, yes we all seem to be so polite in those situations, I have no idea why, when we're the ones becoming the subject, and not due to choice.  People just don't think, hope you feel better as the week goes on.

This isn't really a clanger, just an example of how people don't really think before they communicate.

I'm going over to a friend's house in a few weeks for lunch with several other friends and on our ******** group I mentioned that I can't currently eat various foods (as I'm lucky enough that my last ivf worked), then one of my friends typed.that she could eat anything and another one said, yes, I can eat anything too and don't you just love the freedom to eat anything? I know they were only messing around, but still, it made me think, that they should think, so maybe I'm just being sensitive due to the situation ....Anyway, I replied that actually I was very happy  to be in a position where I don't have the freedom to eat everything I want. 

So a very minor thing, but just another example of how throw away comments just seem to fall out of people's mouths.

Stay well everyone xxx


----------



## AspiringMummy

So I have experienced the epitome of insensitivity today!!! 
I'm in very early stages of my first ever pregnancy, and we told a select few people last week; my BIL and SIL to name 2. 
Today I was a bit worried so did another pregnancy test, which came up as negative. I don't believe it so will test again tomorrow....but even so, was feeling really low and upset, as you can imagine. 
Had to do the Tesco shop, and wanted to get chocolate anyway so DH and I were pushing the trolley round when we bumped into both SIL & BIL. Across the aisles she shouts at me...
"HOW ARE YOU? IS IT STILL IN!"

I mean, what sort of  question is that anyway!!! Why on EARTH would you think that was an appropriate question to ask anyone pregnant, let alone someone who has experienced such a tough time getting pregnant in the first place?! And certainly not shouting it out for all to hear in the middle of Tesco!!!!!!

I was so shocked I couldn't even laugh, so I told her that according to the test I'd just taken, apparently "it" was no longer "still in there", but would be testing again tomorrow to make sure. I then turned on my heels and cried in the soup aisle before I felt REALLY embarrassed and humiliated......

I think I actually wanted to hurl a can of soup at her head.........

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Angedelight

Aspiring Mummy I would have hurled the can of soup so well done on your restraint. Good luck for your test tomorrow. God, I hate people sometimes!! 
X


----------



## AspiringMummy

Mrs-C said:


> Aspiring Mummy I would have hurled the can of soup so well done on your restraint. Good luck for your test tomorrow. God, I hate people sometimes!!
> X


Thank you, I think I did well too! Tests were all negative, so it's game over for us this round 

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## Aley

Can I ask? Any of you experienced completely inappropiate reactions/remarks from the clinic staff?
Of course I had my portion of stupid conversations with friends but somehow I find it harder to understand when it's coming from people working in a fertility clinic.

Maybe I am overreacting, dunno with all the drugs I think I am more sensitive now...but
1. Testing day, I knew it was going to be negative after doing hpt, the nurse taking my blood trying to push a conversation, she is working in the same clinic that I had all my treatments btw "So, did you not consider doing IUI instead of IVF?" Ahm, what? Of course I would have loved the less expensive/less invasive solution, if I am not doing it means that is not an option for me. I wonder if she asks straight couples "So, have you tried to have sex at home?" Honestly?!

2.Waiting for my transfer, the fertility nurse comes all happy and smiling at me to give me the instructions post fet, I say I've heard this before and I know it top to bottom trying to save her time, she looks at me petrified "Did you? How many times?" again she works in the clinic where I had all my tratments,all of them! I am saying this is my third, she looks even more petrified, says "Oh, ok, I'll have to give you the instructons anyway!" Really, dude?
I so wish they would take 2 minutes to look at my chart and see that I had 2 ivfs 0 pregnancies It doesn't even take 2 minutes but will spare me the heartache of saying it over and over again, it's not nice...I just wish they knew that. 

3. At my follow up appointment after my second ivf, after we got in the room the doctor asked me disheartened "So what happened now, huh?" Like, really? You are asking me? I didn't get it. I didn't answer...just sobbed away.

Rant over!


----------



## Fertilityhawk

Hi Aley

That's pretty insensitive, especially from the Doctor asking you what went wrong this time, surely you should be asking them that!! FFS what are we paying these people thousands of pounds for  

I had a similar thing with the most senior nurse at my clinic.  On my 2nd round we were having our final scan, I'd had a terrible response to Menopur and we'd only got 3 follicles that were ready to trigger.  I got quite upset and the nurse just looked at me and asked me exactly what it was that I was upset about?  She said that the IVF guides say that when you have at least 3 follicles at the correct size then that is when you trigger.  Basically we're not cancelling your cycle so be grateful you have anything.

The 2nd encounter came with the same senior nurse.  As a rule they don't do blood tests on OTD but my previous clinic did so I was eager to know what it was.  I'd started bleeding on the morning of the blood test so my hopes were not very high.  The HPT results came back at 36.  I conveyed my disappointment and once again she told me off and said that anything above 30 was a positive and I shouldn't be so negative.  I'm sorry but I'm not stupid and I know that the odds are stacked against me.  Of course I was right, my hpt levels did start to go up but only 2 weeks after the first one, which turned out to be a blighted ovum.  It was only this one woman I'd had an issue with, the rest were super nice.


----------



## annasss

Aley said:


> Can I ask? Any of you experienced completely inappropiate reactions/remarks from the clinic staff?
> Of course I had my portion of stupid conversations with friends but somehow I find it harder to understand when it's coming from people working in a fertility clinic.
> 
> Maybe I am overreacting, dunno with all the drugs I think I am more sensitive now...but
> 1. Testing day, I knew it was going to be negative after doing hpt, the nurse taking my blood trying to push a conversation, she is working in the same clinic that I had all my treatments btw "So, did you not consider doing IUI instead of IVF?" Ahm, what? Of course I would have loved the less expensive/less invasive solution, if I am not doing it means that is not an option for me. I wonder if she asks straight couples "So, have you tried to have sex at home?" Honestly?!
> 
> 2.Waiting for my transfer, the fertility nurse comes all happy and smiling at me to give me the instructions post fet, I say I've heard this before and I know it top to bottom trying to save her time, she looks at me petrified "Did you? How many times?" again she works in the clinic where I had all my tratments,all of them! I am saying this is my third, she looks even more petrified, says "Oh, ok, I'll have to give you the instructons anyway!" Really, dude?
> I so wish they would take 2 minutes to look at my chart and see that I had 2 ivfs 0 pregnancies It doesn't even take 2 minutes but will spare me the heartache of saying it over and over again, it's not nice...I just wish they knew that.
> 
> 3. At my follow up appointment after my second ivf, after we got in the room the doctor asked me disheartened "So what happened now, huh?" Like, really? You are asking me? I didn't get it. I didn't answer...just sobbed away.
> 
> Rant over!


haha, I understand you very well. Sometimes the clinic hires weird people who know nothing or don't wat to know about job they do. Once my ex-doctor(haha) couldn't explain primitive issue and that drove me crazy. I used to have several miscarriages and he couldn't find a reason for it. He just said it's all because of your nature, anything about immunological disorders and chromosomal abnormality. 
Anyway, I'm done with that and now we want to undergo de ivf in other clinic. I hope we will find more qualified doc.


----------



## CopperBird

Work colleagues:

1, 'You should try taking folic acid, that worked for me'

Oh yes why didn't I think of that instead of wasting my time doing IVF, I only I knew.....its not like I haven't been taking it for 3 years!!

2, 'I had fertility treatment too.....I took clomid for a month'

Because that's the same.....

Ahh gotta laugh or cry hey!!


----------



## Rosie11

Oh Copperbird, so feel your pain. I know they are said in all innocence, but really...

My friend told me yesterday that it is "all about nutrition, Brazil nuts are meant to be very good'... I just said yeah, thanks, I'll try it! 

However does anyone find this a bit strange... A day after my second embryo transfer, my best friend said 'welcome to motherhood'?!? I was quite miffed at first but now (it was unsuccessful) I'm feeling it was an insensitive and pretty dumb thing to say. Especially as she works in healthcare and knows the deal.

I must thicken up my skin!


----------



## Pognut

I had a friend get very excited about my "being pregnant" after ET too. I knew she meant well and it was sweet of her, and she only said it because she cares etc, but *sigh*...


----------



## Aley

My friend that is a doctor said to me that my cycle probably failed because...'if there is no sex or orgasm then it will not work!'  with a 'I know a girl who had ivf and she had sex with her husband before the transfer and boom, got pregnant!  
I stopped explaining in general and keep it to myself, I am absolutely sick of people giving me their 2 cents about it.


----------



## Northern

This from my 6 months pregnant colleague this afternoon: 

"I'm essentially embarking on a massive compromise"  - because she can't be around to oversee her work duties while she's on maternity leave.  

It just made me want to throw things at her head.  (not in a violent way, just in a frustrated 'you don't know how lucky you are way'.  Please don't think I'm a violent maniac!


----------



## Fertilityhawk

So last week wasn't the best week I've ever had, we had our 3rd ICSI fail and then 2 days after my Grandad died. He was 95 and had been so poorly for 6 months that it was a kindness to see him go. Nonetheless we were all still devastated. 

I was talking to my cousin, after asking how she was, she then asked me. So I said it's been a rubbish week in general due to IVF fails and then grandad passing. She has always been quite supportive if not a bit blunt at times. So she said "that's really sad, nothing I can say can make you feel any better, but just remember worse things do happen and don't feel too sad   

WTF!!!!! I'm just considering cancelling a night out with them as I'm so mad at her.

Amazes me at how insensitive people are. She of course has 2 children and constantly says that having kids is no ALL it's cracked up to be. 

Grrrrrrrrr


----------



## BrightSpark99

Aww Fertilityhawk I am so so sorry.  I couldn't read and run.  What an awful week for you hun. Your cousin is an idiot. What a stupid thing to say.  People only say that to try and guilt you into not talking about your woes.  Yes worse things can happen but it doesn't mean to say you can't be sad about what has happened.  I wish you all the strength in the world to deal all of this.  x


----------



## Fertilityhawk

Hi BrightSpark,

Thank you so much for your response.  I have definitely learnt my lesson, just keep my mouth shut, people really don't want to hear your problems, even when they how you are doing.  Just smile and say everything is fine    

You learn on this journey who actually cares and who actually get bored with the continued failures and wish you'd move on.

xx


----------



## BrightSpark99

It's sad that we can't share without receiving dumbass comments. Thank goodness for FF! X


----------



## pollita

Fertilityhawk said:


> Hi BrightSpark,
> 
> Thank you so much for your response. I have definitely learnt my lesson, just keep my mouth shut, people really don't want to hear your problems, even when they how you are doing. Just smile and say everything is fine
> 
> You learn on this journey who actually cares and who actually get bored with the continued failures and wish you'd move on.
> 
> xx


This, all this! Just yesterday I was telling my mum EC was on Saturday and could she give me a lift, and her response was a sigh and "what are the chances that this is even going to work? Why are you bothering to do it again?". It's the only time I have mentioned IVF to her in months because this is her response all the time. What about support?! I do just smile and say everything is fine because nobody actually cares that I am not ok, and sometimes all I need is a hug and someone to say "I hope it all goes well!"


----------



## Fertilityhawk

Ah Pollita I'm so sorry, that's an awful thing for your mum to say    Keep strong hun and keep going, it's so hard after a few fails though isn't it.

Sending you a massive virtual hug       It's so unfair that we have to go through this.

xxxxxxx


----------



## Pognut

Excellent parenting skills there... bloody hell. I have no idea why it is so hard for some people not to see that all they need to do is be supportive, and understand that this is painful. I'm sorry your mum said that, how ridiculous. *We* care, anyhow. I hope you're getting through things ok and send you a virtual hug. xx


----------



## tentoes

Pollita - so sorry to hear that.  I don't know your mother of course, but hopefully it came from the best of intentions (even if totally wrong and not what you need!).  When I told my mum about IVF she gave me a lecture about how I don't need children, children can ruin your life (telling stories of friends of hers whose children ended up taking drugs and/or otherwise making their lives miserable) and just seemed totally unsympathetic.  I was very upset.  But when I spoke to her about it a little while later she explained that her response was because she was so worried about me and didn't want me to get my hopes up if it didn't work and to think that I couldn't have a good life without children if in fact it doesn't work out for us.  So she meant well - it just came out totally wrong and wasn't helpful!


----------



## Clyos

Hi everyone! 
Been reading this thread and recognize so many from my own life! Why do people say these stupid things? I have a few myself:

I am in a lesbian relationship and we have been through a lot of miscarriages. In Sweden were we live it is practically impossible to adopt if you are in a samesex relationship, but not if you are a single woman. My mother seriously suggested that I'd divorce my wife and move out of our house so I could adopt as a single parent. Then when all was done we could marry again. I mean... that doesn't even come close to feel like a good solution. It would take years for everything to be done and and it isn't even sure it will work. Divorce is not something I take lightly and it is not without economic consequences.. And the money it will take to all of a sudden have two homes. Let alone pretending to be straight.. but thanks for the "help".  

My mother also asked me several times if I can't get a cerclage as a help for miscarriage (when you hold a weekened cervix together with stitches). This is even though I have had several missed miscarriages and explained that that is not the problem..  

Told one of my colleagues of my many miscarriages and she gave me a lecture of how miscarriages are just natures way to get rid of babies who would be disabled and that I shouldn't really feel sad about it. I get she maybe tried to comfort me, but after 5 miscarriages it is not comforting  

When I told my boss that I was pregnant but it was a threatened miscarriage she said: "well I don't understand why people want children. I mean it will just destroy your economy, sleep and freedom". Well I do want this baby to stick and you telling me of the disadvantages of having children will not ease the blow of another miscarriage!  

When the miscarriage investigation was finished at our fertility clinic, The doctor said it was just bad luck and that they didn't know what to do and that I should probably try praying about it. Well if I want that kind of advice I go to church not to a fertility expert!


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## magicpillow

Oh Clyos, I'm so sorry you've had all these awful insensitive things said to you!  Words fail me.  We are here to support you.  As if the journey wasn't heard enough without people being so unsupportive and uncarring.  

Pollita, sorry your mum said those things too - awful!

Mine isn't that bad but just a bug bear of mine.  Recently I've found that so many people keep telling me it might still happen for me as there are always people who go through years of IVF and then it happens naturally.  Someone told me this yesterday after my recent BFN.  I ended up telling her that my partner has no sperm so that will never happen to us.  I'm so sick of people saying it to me that I'm now just telling them our diagnosis!  The 'miracle' will only happen if you are first of all able to conceive naturally.  Argh!


----------



## Fertilityhawk

So I was at a wedding last week.  On a table with grooms friends who we didn't know.  Cue the usual do you have kids etc etc.

One of the women started to get a bit squiffy and began seriously quizzing us.  It was so inappropriate.  The worst bit came though when she started talking about her daughter, they had nicknamed her Miranda as apparently when she was born she was so tall and not very cute.  She then started saying that she really hoped she'd eventually grow into her looks (I think she was 3 or 4  ).  She was laughing so much and saying that all the health visitors and midwifes over the years had assured her that she would grow into her looks but so far it had not happened.

I am aware that infertility sometimes renders your sense of humour in these situations null & void but I just didn't find this funny.  Poor child.  Unfortunately for my DH I just kept topping my wine glass up, I really couldn't think of any other way to get through the meal


----------



## hopeandwishes

some people really have no clue... My friend once told me (after me explaining I was feeling down about not getting pregnant), that her mother told her she would be so fertile, she'd only have to look at her husband to get pregnant. This is following her getting pregnant by accident and complaining that its not what she wanted from life. I'm sat there just after a mc ...   Speechless!


----------



## Lina8909

Hey girls. First time posting here. After years of TTC, an early mc and laparoscopy surgery to repair my tragic tubes, I'm fed up with insensitive comments.

It's tough seeing what feels like everyone around you getting pregnant. My MIL is normally quite sensitive and amazing but I've been quite shocked lately by some comments which made me want to burst into tears. I stopped in to talk to her about my upcoming surgery. And she was very interested and genuine. But with barely a breath to transition from my pain she started talking about SIL who is pregnant. How she's just been to her first scan. And how wonderful it is there will be a baby. She's excited and I so understand but not something you bring up when I'm talking to you about my surgery cuz I'm IF. This was followed 2 hours later with scan pictures being sent to all of us on the family chat from my BIL about the same pregnancy 

And then after surgery my MIL came to make me dinner which was soooooo sweet but I started talking about how bloated I am from the surgery. And to my shock she says, "yeah you look like (insert SIL's name). She's only 10 weeks and already showing so much!" Umm no, I don't look like her...because I'm NOT pregnant thanks for the reminder.

I have to do my best not to resent the comment cuz I adore my MIL and she probably didn't realize how hurtful it was. Even the people you trust can say the most hurtful things. This convo was followed by said pregnant in laws who stopped in to check on me but also felt the need to share about their morning sickness. And this is the same IL I had to smile and encourage and ask loads of questions to show I'm happy for her when she was crying to me cuz it was an accidental pregnancy.

Ughhhhh I've been keeping my distance from family gatherings because of it all. Grateful to my family who are always there and get me. Had my sister, mom and a SIL wish me a happy mother's day...I was so grateful to have been acknowledged because they know how painful that day is and how I long to be a mommy.

Sent from my HTC One A9s using Tapatalk


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## bobo66

Lina - welcome!

So sorry you're having to put up with these comments. I just don't understand why people don't realise how not ok it is. The same people wouldn't go from comforting someone who's partner had died to then talking about how much they're looking forward to their own partner coming home from work.

When is your surgery happening?

Xx


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## bobo66

I've just created my own clanger! I ordered a carefully made waterproof mattress cover, to protect our mattress from my own night sweats (which are part of the condition making me infertile) and my husband's obesity-related sweating. Hadn't clocked that the company I wasn't ordering from is a baby and toddler company. Item arrives with baby and toddler everything catalogue. I've emailed to ask for removal from mailing list. Oops!


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## magicpillow

Argh Bobo!

Oh Lina it's so hard isn't it.  I've stopped talking to my mum about it all now as she makes quite insensitive comments even though I know it's not intentional.  If I ever say how hard it is being the only non mum amongst my friends, she always say that she knows exactly how I feel as she's the only one of her friends who isn't a grandparent.  She says how hard it is having to listen to them all talking about their grandchildren and how people always ask her how many grandchildren she has to which she replies 'none'.  Great, thanks!  I'm the only hope of a grandchild as my brother has a learning disability so it's extra pressure.


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## Rio2016

I'm home today and haven't seen my cleaner for a few weeks. As she leaves she asks "Are you pregnant?". "No", I answer, "This isn't a very flattering jumper". To which my cleaner replies, "Oh that's disappointing. I thought your face looked fatter too."

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Northern

Hahaha oh Rio I laughed out loud at this one!  I love that she followed up not with an apology but with a further insult!!?    Most people would be mortified!  Some people are so tactless   x


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## Rio2016

YEP! Crazy. I also was totally kind and gave her an out with the jumper being tight response. With my endo and with IVF and eating loads i'm fatter than before but honestly. I'm just going to have to hide from her forever more.     [/color]


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## Lina8909

Thanks Bobo...had the op about 4 weeks ago now. And magicpillow, ouch! It always stings doesn't it. Now that I'm in this situation and have been getting all the senseless comments and advice, makes me wonder if I ever said anything insensitive. I guess you just don't really get it if you've never been on this journey. But seriously...some of these are obsured. 

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## Lina8909

Feeling a bit apprehensive about a family BBQ tonight. Meeting lots of DH's relatives from abroad. Anticipating all the "so when are guys gonna start a family" ... especially since SIL just had a baby and other SIL is pregnant

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## Lina8909

Oh my beware when searching YouTube about fertility treatments....went searching for some more info on something and bam...face palm. Makes me wanna smack her. We've been doing it all wrong hahaha 




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## Sasanach17

I'm resurrecting this post as have had a few clangers in recent weeks and thought I'd share....

A forwarded post from someone in my extended group of friends complete with it's very own hashtag: *#onthebandwagon*
- the temptation to reply with #notonthebandwagon #butthanksanyway

Went with my MIL to her church and was asked by about 5 different people... "oh, your the couple with the beautiful children"... my poor MIL was as mortified as I was and on one occasion answered with "no, but she has a very interesting job in London"....


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## Lina8909

Sorry to hear that Sassanach17  this time of year especially is crappy, isn't it?!

My BIL is expecting their first and we receive updates on our family chat group, which means I regularly have to put up with videos of him practicing diaper changing, videos of them putting together all their baby furniture etc. Their Christmas card was even signed by the the two of them and their unborn baby, "Zach". Seriously? It's like they want to shove it in my face that they're having a baby.

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## MargotW

Sasansach- sounds like you have a good MIL at least.

Lina - how annoying about your BIL.

I was going through old emails today, someone wished us good luck for ET- I responded that it wasn’t happening as our embryos had stopped growing - her response - is it less positive that they have stopped growing? er .... what do you think? Needless to say I no longer talk to her about treatment!


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## magicpillow

My mum did her usual today of saying how hard it is for her when all her friends talk about their grandchildren and she's left out.  Errr thanks! I'm the only hope of a grandchild and I feel so guilty that I haven't provided them with one!  She regularly talks about how so and so has 6 grandchildren which I almost feel is a dig.  I wish I had a sibling who'd had children as then I'd feel less pressure.  My mum even said about how my mother in law has got the opportunity for more grandchildren with my husband's brother.  She's seems very bitter about it all.


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## Sasanach17

oh magicpillow, that's so tough... I'm sure you're feeling crap enough without that!


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## bobo66

I know such things have been asked many times before, but today from a stranger, prompted by nothing at all “So are you thinking of starting a family soon?”. No, I said. Pause. Now, is this food any good? Honestly! So cross.


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## Phatty

Reading through these brought back memories! Recently-ish, my cousin had a baby and my family went to visit her. Her mom was also there, as well as her husband and mil. While I was holding the baby, genuinely happy for my cousin and carrying on a normal conversation with her and my sister, my dad suddenly stopped the conversation he was having with another relative, came up to me and patted me on the head saying little prayers that it will be me next etc. The room went quiet and all eyes were on me. I finally knew then what people mean when they say they wish the earth would swallow them up. As much as our families love us, they really do say & do the most hurtful crap sometimes. My mom’s also dropped a few gems on me, my fave being her telling me to just take kids off family members not in the greatest of situations. I’m only now starting to slowly find the humour in that. It’s either laugh or cry and I’d rather laugh!


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## Pognut

Ow, ow, ow, Phatty. They mean well, but oh dear...


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## Lina8909

My BIL is a fairly popular musician in our country. Just before they had their baby last month, he wrote a song for his unborn child. Very sweet. But when he posted it online, he dedicated the song not to his child, but to all the other expecting parents out there like them, it's the best feeling in the world. My stomach just dropped. He knows what we're going through and my DH and I both felt so excluded from this special club and that he would be so insensitive to us. He could've dedicated it his son, or to all the ppl who are waiting...not just the fertile ones. My DH told him how insensitive it was and hurtful. BIL became overly defensive, self righteous and refused to recongise it. Wouldn't apologize and kept saying I'm only excited about having my son. Couldn't get it through his head that we weren't upset about him writing a song for his kid. It was his dedication that was insensitive. Things haven't been the same since. Most infuriating bit afterwards? The post kept appearing under my newsfeed as sponsored. Meaning he was paying to advertise his song that was just for his baby. Whatever. Makes me sick using your unborn child as a publicity stunt. Still trying to get over this one.

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## Lina8909

bobo66 said:


> I know such things have been asked many times before, but today from a stranger, prompted by nothing at all "So are you thinking of starting a family soon?". No, I said. Pause. Now, is this food any good? Honestly! So cross.


Ugh, why? Just why?

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## bobo66

Lina8909 - that sounds incredibly painful. And constant reminders via the sponsored posts... How are things now the baby’s here? (I think he or she is)

Yes... about the question, my thoughts were why would you ask that?? I was there sort of in a working capacity too so i felt I had to bite my tongue even more than politeness would suggest.


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## DollyLou

I've just had a sterilization as i have blocked tubes. At the pre-op appointment with the nurse she turns to me and DP and say "no more babies for you then" to which i replied i don't have any kids, I'm waiting to start IVF. Could she of not read my notes first? 

Then spoke to surgeon before going into theatre, once again asks if I'm having a sterilization how many children do i already have.

Went to the hospital for something unrelated just after op and the nurse at assessment says - oh have you got loads of kids if you have had a sterilization. 

grrrrr!!! NHS have been fantastic but they have no bloody tact! everytime they say it, it actually makes my heart skip a beat


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## Sasanach17

DollyLou that is HORRIFIC! How can they be so insensitive - or just plain stupid. Hope you're doing ok! hugs xx


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## sophiekh

I know what you mean, they never read the notes ! Much to my annoyance!

During xmas I went to the emergency because I had kidney infection. this is how the convo went:

DR:  Any chance you are pregnant 
Me: No, im infertilre
DR: Are you sure, when was last periods
Me: I dont have periods due my infertility issue
DR: Do a urine test and we can check
Me: Ive been single  for 5ys and im 100% im not pregnant

I felt like rubbish afterwards


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## K jade

Always amazes me the amount of healthcare ‘professionals’ who refuse to believe infertility is a real thing. 
I wander if it would help to write it in blood


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## Aley

As someone that works in healthcare, A&E to be more precise and also is dealing with fertility issues I have to say...not every thing is clear cut!

Yes, is not ideal how things are said but unfortunately some questions are needed. I can’t book anything from a simple xray to a scan if I don’t make a clear entry about when was the last period, are there any reasons for a woman not to be pregnant, is the investigation really necessary and at the end of all this when it comes to it the radiographer asks the woman to sign a paper saying that she’s not pregnant...for every woman age 12 (12!) to 55!!! The only time that is not needed is if the woman says she is in her first 10 days of her menstrual period. 
I would hate for someone to think that I don’t believe them or I am making it worse for them just by doing my job. Or that I don’t think infertility is real...well!
Also, I had women that laughed in my face when I asked them if they were pregnant just to have them pee on a stick and there you go...the magic line appears! And is of no surprise that some women despite years of infertility and failed ivfs do manage to get pregnant naturally, there are some ladies on here and I know some personally. 
Actually I had to wait and have a scan in the first 10 dayside of my period ‘in case a pregnancy occurs’...I am married to a woman! Still had to obey the bloody rule!


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## tealight

Aley, how useful of you to share this. Thank you so much that makes a lot of sense. Probably the same with massage therapists but remember thinking it was out of the blue to be asked that when I was just having a facial!!!! (and sadly going through an mc at the time). Maybe it should be another heads up people struggling with infertility should know! 

Mine isn't a clanger as such but more a curiosity. Maybe because I work in education etc the question is never 'do you have children' but things like 'how many children do you have?', 'remind me which school your children go to'. These are harder to get out of with a simple no and unbelievably result in people arguing back after I tell them I don't have any. 'But I thought you went on holiday with your  daughter  or I was convinced you had 2'. Which leads to more protracted erm no's....and awkward moments!!! Always astounds me.


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## Marmalady

Oh man! These clangers! People just seem to open their mouths and let anything fall out!
So many of my colleagues talk about the struggles of parenthood and then smilingly turn to me to say “ you’re lucky, you don’t have children so you don’t have to worry about that”. As if I’m living the life of Riley, going on expensive holidays and living in a house with pristine white carpets. No actually, we’re saving every penny we make to self-fund more ICSI.
When I started my job a few years back, all of the junior colleagues had a bet on how soon I would be going on maternity leave after starting. Been trying for a baby for around 6 years, so don’t hold your breath kids!
After my most recent ectopic pregnancy last month, my MIL brought me a gift and included was an envelope containing pictures of my DH as a child because she wanted me to see what a beautiful baby we could create. I know she didn’t mean to upset me but it completely took my breath away when I opened it.
And also my best friend who believes that she knows my pain was carrying her young baby, clearly a bit exasperated by things in that moment and then loudly asked “I mean, why do you even want children?!?”. I didn’t want to make a scene at the time but it really wounded me and she didn’t seem to twig that wasn’t the best thing to say. She seems so set on the notion that because she once had a miscarriage, she knows what it’s like to endure repeated losses, surgeries,tests and failed fertility treatments. 
Sometimes I feel like cutting a lot of people out of my life!


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## Lina8909

I had an appointment with a geneticist at the ART clinic to start genetic screening process for IVF. As a geneticist who shouldn't even be sharing any opinion of infertility share explained as if it were scientific fact that unexplained infertility is almost always psychological.And then proceeded to explain how stress causes my uterus to reject the sperm. Explain how conception works (um I already know that one) and point to DH saying it's not you, not the sperm but the woman. He also advised us that if I am totally consumed with having a baby it won't happen until I give up because we are having sex to have a baby and not enjoying it. How does he know anything about our sex life? I shutdown. I wanted to run out of there. Burst into tears. I don't expect a doctor in an ART clinic to blame any one for infertility nor promote the hogwash of "just relax".

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## bobo66

Lina8909,

I’m so sorry you had to deal with this! It would be unprofessional, breaking the understanding of evidence based medicine, rude and incredible assumptive from a fertility specialist. From a geneticist....! It’s taking advantage of the power he has and your vulnerability in seeking fertility help. I would complain about this, for your own  sake and that of future patients. He needs to know this isn’t acceptable, and to stop!


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## Lina8909

bobo66 said:


> Lina8909,
> 
> I'm so sorry you had to deal with this! It would be unprofessional, breaking the understanding of evidence based medicine, rude and incredible assumptive from a fertility specialist. From a geneticist....! It's taking advantage of the power he has and your vulnerability in seeking fertility help. I would complain about this, for your own sake and that of future patients. He needs to know this isn't acceptable, and to stop!


Thanks for the support. I felt like I took a beating and it has been hard to shake it. Even though I know it's total rubbish. I complained to my Dr. Who works in the clinic. But nothing official. You're right though, I really should.

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## K jade

I would complain 
That's disgraceful 
Unexplained infertility just means they haven't been able to find a cause . It's not psychological! 
If he's talking about 'your body rejecting dhs sperm ' then that's immune related and a pathological diagnosis.  But I doubt he even knows anything about that .
I know it's hard to muster the strength to challenge these people but if you can then I would 
This Dr really needs to have a long hard think about his professional conduct 
Ps
and he sounds sleazy and inappropriate too


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