# Just need to offload...



## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hi,
I havent been here for a while, I thought that I was feeling a whole lot stronger about things, but had a bit of a slip last week and need to just write down how I felt..
I went on a wonderful holiday to Mexico with my DP and his 2 little girls; this in itself was a whole new experience that I had looked forward to for such a long time, and we had a wonderful time; I loved spending time with the girls, playing, eating out, swimming - all the things that a family holiday should be!! 

However, feelings that I thought I had put to bed came creeping back, and one evening I had this dream that I was with one of DPs daughters, and looked up to the sky and saw 5 Jet Fighters... I said to her, look at those, then the next thing, a massive bomb was being dropped, and landed across the street from us, and exploded..... And thats exactly what I did the next morning..
We all went to breakfast, and I felt like I was suffocating, I couldnt speak and I just wanted to cry. I went to the bathroom and burst into tears, God only knows where they came from but I knew that they would not subside.  I tried to return to the table for breakfast, and DP asked if I was OK, I just could not speak, tried to apologise and ran out of the restaurant in floods of tears.

I had spent the previous days of the holiday surrounded by families, children, babies, fun, laughter and everything that a holiday should be; but I felt that a piece of me was missing - and it is; that something is my womb, my ability to give a life to a child, to be a mum, to laugh, love and play like a mum does. It hurt me like never before; I felt worthless, useless, like I have nothing to give, I struggle financially, had paid nothing towards this dream holiday that I was on, with the man I love and adore and his two beautiful girls. I tried so hard to keep it all together but the feelings just would not go away and I had to let it all out. I also could not stop thinking about my beautiful cat Jessie, who was killed last year, and found myself crying for her too.... She was my baby and I miss her so much still, and find it hard to understand how I can still be grieving for her; or is this all part of the grieving for what I will never have? 

I feel hollow, like a part of me died when they took that away from me; my womanhood seems to have gone with it. I hate the way I look, I feel ugly and horrible. This really isnt like me, as I have spent the last 7 months using positive thinking to get me through it all. I know its only a blip in the recovery process, and as my DP said, Im allowed to have an off day, but feel so bad that it happened on this holiday. On the whole it was fantastic, just what we all needed, we had a great time and it was a whole new expereince for me, and maybe it will do me good and prepare me for the next holiday we go on..

Sorry for the rant but I need to release these feelings.

Love
Karen
xxx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi karen,

 I hope that by writing it all down has helped a little - like your dh says you are allowed a wobble now and then   

Im glad you enjoyed your holiday in the first instance and that you have some happy memories not just the one that caused you upset - im sure the girls had a whale of a time having you about but I know that the empty feeling inside you  must have been hurting very much.

Take care hun and keep posting to help get your feelings out.

Love

Debs xxx


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## tisonlyme (Aug 6, 2010)

Hi Karen,

I completely understand where you are coming from.
I had a total hysterectomy last year to treat cancer of the womb. 
It is a grieving process that we go through and sometimes I feel that noone can completely appreciate what we go through. 
I have tried to explain to dh that I don't feel complete as a woman anymore, but he doesn't necessarily understand that it goes deeper than being unable to have my own child.
You need to give yourself time to grieve for what will never be unfortunately.
Grieving is a very personal process and differs for anyone.  I have good days and bad days and i think i always will!

It helps to write!
Charlotte x


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hi Charlotte,
Thank you for your reply, it means alot... I try so hard to manage with it all, but since we got back, all I feel is a failure and that I have nothing to give.  My DP pays for everything and I feel that I am just totally useless in every way; he paid for the holiday, for everything, and I hate it - I want to be able to give something to it all but I cant - I have even thought that he is better off without me, my head is all over the place.
We are going camping at the weekend, but I really feel like I dont want to go, I just want to curl up and cry. I know that there are people here who are worse off than me, for Goodness Sake, poor Dhikki has lost her husband.... how can you compare to that tragedy... that is awful.
I spent the last 2 weeks "being a mum" - ppl thought we were a family and even commented on how the youngest looked like me.... It is so hard to explain that she isnt mine...
One day at breakfast, the youngest said "Karen, you are our Step Mum arent you" (even tho we arent married)..I said would you like that and both girls grinned and said yes...... I melted and also broke too.... Such a mish mash of emotions.....
Im so sorry to be like this, esp with what Donna (Dhikki) is going through, I feel so selfish.
Love to all
Karen
xxxx


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## tisonlyme (Aug 6, 2010)

Hi Karen,

you could be reading my mind - i know how hard i find it when i have to admit that my dss is not mine but i'm her stepmum, an i kind of like going away because people just see us as a family!

PM me if you want to chat some more - i'm sure we can help each other through the bad times.

Charlotte x


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Thanks Charlotte - Have Pm'd you.
Hate feeling this way, its not me at all
xx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Karen 

So sorry to hear you're feeling low   sending you lots of love

Florie
xx

P.S i think you PM'd me by mistake instead of Charlotte


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Thanks Florie - lol, that just goes to show you where my brain is at!!!
I just cant seem to snap out of this negative mood; you know its not like me to feel like this, positive thinking has always helped me through, but its just not happening!!
Hope that you are ok? Hows things? 
Lots of Love
Karen
xx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hiya

Yes you're usually really upbeat! But we all have little blips....the feelings will pass and you'll be back to your old self soon i'm sure! 

I'm also going through a bad week and a change of medication really hasn't helped my hormones or my mood   

But just remember we're strong! In fact we're stronger than a lot of people and we'll get through it   

Always here for a chat

Florie xx


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