# Finding going ahead a challenge



## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Sorry about having to post this but I'm having troubles, didn't want to clog up the "Thinking of IVF" thread with my problems.

First IVF after two abandoned IUI's - alien in my uterus, then lining gubbed by clomid. Horrendous experience trying to get NHS treatment for the alien despite having completed one year TTC and miscarriage in recent relationship. Ended up paying 7k despite losing my job, all my TTC money and then some. Although I have the all clear to TTC I have a lot of pain from inoperable scar tissue left over from the op. So that brings me to here, I have spent two years and a more than considerable amount of my income.

So, I don't know which way this is going to go, ahead or not. I've started stabbing, booked hotel (fully refundable) but feel awful. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I've done some "out there" things. I went over to a friend's, to stab, we did the do and then it was awful, I felt wrecked with indecision again. (Which is odd when you consider what I've been through to get here.) I feel wretched. It's like I want someone to knock me out (and up) for the next two weeks.

I don't have a good past, everything happened in the wrong order, all kicking off at a very wide eyed 26. The people I need aren't here anymore. What I'm trying to say is, there's not a lot left. I know that years of carrying on when I should have had the support of family and friends has done a lot of damage, not only going through the events themselves but having to deal with friends' lack of life experience to understand it, never mind support. 

I know I'm a resilient cookie but there is only so much a person can take. Does this make sense why I am finding this all so flippin hard? Was it like this for you? How come, being the most bounce backable person I know, I'm finding this so difficult?

Diesy (on location in Hell)

PS Things must be bad if I start a thread!


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Just saw your post and didn't want to read and run. Sending big   Sometimes I think the closer we get to our goal, the bigger the indecision can hit us. Once it's all done and there's no going back then we can allow ourselves to just go with the flow. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so rough. Sounds like you've really been through the mill. Can you have a complete do nothing day to try a little bit of recharging. This whole thing is hard enough without being in pain and feeling awful too. 

Sending love and hugs. Felix xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Felix  Maybe I should pack the pooch and and get out for the day. I can't seem to lift this, I think I needed a break between sorting tx, drugs and doing drugs and tx. Hindsight, eh? Thanks for the suggestion  My overriding feeling is I would not be spending cash I don't have pursuing a dream I don't want, now that would be strange. My motto is actions speak loader than words...which part of my brain isn't listening  xx


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Diesy - huge hugs hun, so sorry that you're finding this so hard     . I think most of us have gone through similar emotions when starting out on our first tx (I mean going ahead with it and starting the drugs) .... it kind of brings to a head that this isn't how you thought you thought your life was going to pan out (at least it did for me), and I certainly remember wondering whether I was doing the right thing. 

Be gentle with yourself hun ... the drugs will be affecting your emotions hugely (most women who have gone through IVF say it's a rollercoaster of emotions - and they aren't saying this lightly .... you only know it when you've gone through it). 

I can only say that even when things were at their toughest for me (and they got pretty tough - it took 10 rounds of tx, a miscarriage, a move to donor eggs and several really unusual setbacks in my tx before it finally worked, let alone a huge amount of savings), I knew that if I gave up, I'd regret my decision far more than the sadness I felt about doing this on my own. 

And now that gorgeous baby Rosebud is here (bouncing on my knee and trying to grab my laptop as I type), I know the journey was worth it, and whilst it is hard doing this on my own and I'd love to meet someone some day, I am happier than I've been in years and the giggling face I see every morning is the loveliest sight ever. 

I'm not sure which clinic you're at, but do they have a counsellor that you could talk to? Sometimes it helps to talk things through with someone who is trained in understanding fertility issues, and it might be easier than talking to a friend who doesn't know how best to offer support or what are the right things to say. I certainly found it useful.


Thinking of you hun,

Rose xx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Diesy - you poor thing  It definitely sounds like speaking with a counsellor would help right now. I'm not sure I can offer much advice as I never had to do IVF and all the meds associated with it, but I have to say I agree with your thoughts that you wouldn't be spending money you don't have in pursuit of something unless you really wanted it.


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Diesy - huge hugs    


I'm hoping that your bouncebackability bounces back very soon ... I think that chatting things over with the clinic counsellor may well help if you think that the indecision is more than those hormones going crazy. 


Its a tough thing to re-establish yourself and to build up new relationships to sustain you through life.  Is there any (inexpensive) activity that interests you that you could sign up to, to give you a bit of a healthy distraction in the medium term?  Its also the time of year for night classes to start so there may be something there? ... volunteer work possibly?  Or if you've been racing around too much maybe treating yourself to a relaxing time gathering your thoughts or not thinking at all! (somewhere that makes you feel good just being there).


Practice being patient with yourself - doesn't cost too much and can work wonders   


Take care


 
Maya


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Diesy - for me the time of biggest panic & challenge was actually the day I got my first BFP!  At that point (despite being absolutely convinced I was doing the right thing all the way through treatment) I had one single clear thought "OMG what on earth have I done!"  Thankfully it didn't last long but I wonder if what you are thinking / feeling is just an earlier version of this.  I don't know all your story but it does sound like you've been on a rollercoaster already & it does seem natural that it would be quite daunting to actually be doing something tx again after all that.
As others have said, be kind to yourself & focus on the fact that as you say you would not be doing all this unless it was something you really really wanted.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

just sending    really hun
this can be a long and hard journey, and even more so when you are going through it without the support of family and close friends
I think for me what kept me going was knowing deep down that having a child was what I wanted more than anything else...and the thought of not going ahead/not doing it was worse than anything tx itself could throw at me
but if you are genuinely questioning whether this is really what you want (as opposed to just being scared which is completely natural) then I think you maybe do need to step back a bit..and perhaps enlist the help of an objective 3rd party (eg a counsellor)
thinking of you hun, hope you find the right way forward   
Suitcase
x


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks for all this! Will reply proper tomorrow but feeling a bit better, think it really helped to get it out there and the replies are obviously a brilliant support to me. Thanks for being there today and understanding 

Off to bed and book for me   xx 

PS Sorry to make everyone sick with those colours


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Diesy just wanted to send you a hug and say that it is ok to feel like you do at times, as it is a hard long road, but as Rose and others on here have shown 'never give up' and it you aren't TTC or having treatment the only guarantee is that you will not be a mother, if you aren't in the game you won't have a possibility of winning the prize!.

I have had setbacks and still no baby and it is hard to gather your emotions (and your money)  and keep on the road, after setbacks/surgery and miscarriages. I found counselling helped at low points esp after my miscarriage.  I think always try to have a plan b or c, to follow, and sometimes you end up doing a u turn.  It does help to take some time out, a day/week/month and give yourself a break from everything TTC do something nice, dust yourself down and pick yourself up and gather your strength to carry on. Some of your non FF friends will not be able to understand or comprehend what you are going through, and why should they IVF is an alien and confusing world for most of the general public without the awful complications you have experienced, and they only know from what they read and see on TV or know someone who has had an IVF baby.

Good Luck xxx


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## blueytoo (Oct 5, 2003)

Diesy - for what it's worth, I felt pretty much like this for my last 2 tx's. I literally didn't make the decision to get on the flight until the day before each time. That really helped me and actually with the last tx, even though I was over in Brno with my son two days before ET, I didn't actually decide for definite to go for ET until the day itself. Knowing that the only money I would have lost was the flight and hotel money made it seem easier to me. Maybe if you tell yourself that you really don't need to make the decision until the last minute, it might help clarify your way forward?


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks for all the  and good ideas. I'm a bit numb.

Rose - I remember routing for you (on the edge of my seat) on your last two cycles, so happy Rosebud pitched up, lovely visual image. I suppose it's that feeling I've lost touch with.

Caramac - Thanks for the vote of confidence  Think of all the shoes I could have bought instead!!!

Maya - signed up for a evening class right after my initial post - are you psychic? Could be a nice little earner for you! I've actually got quite a lot going on, really interesting creative projects that will take me somewhere new.

Grace - Yeah that's the feeling. Reading you post makes me realise I want to go ahead but I think it will go badly plus circumstances are against me to begin with. I can only see misery ahead. Jeezo, what a depressing thought!!! Yikes, no wonder I bailed.

Suitcase - Family are actively against, all a bit of a mess.

JJ - Yes counselling can be really useful at low points, I've had that too. Feel like a wee break tbh.

Bluey - Did it feel horrible doing that or was it okay? Did you just relax and know that was going to have to work for you. I think I'm getting extra pressure from the money side.

I actually feel a bit better connected now, a little clearer why it went wrong this week. It helps to know I'm not the only one who gets the "what the heck am I doing?" feeling. I'll try lots of meditation but may have to go ahead feeling this way. It terrifies me actually, I can feel a post traumatic stressy thing leaping into action. Thanks for making things a bit clearer and being here this week  ...oops and back to numb xxx


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

Diesy      . I can only write a quick one at this moment but I have to add that during the two years when I was going through tx I was constantly wracked with agonising indecision and the most terrified, lonely, vulnerable feeling - it was horrid. I never ever felt sure about it for more than a day.  And in the time leading up to my IVF (I got very lucky with the first IVF) I was absolutely wretched. I was so unhappy and desperate, it was a really painful place. I only stopped feeling like that the day I got my BFP - from then on (to this day) I felt so right about it all and have only looked forward, with joy.

I don't know whether this thought could help you decide either way: I knew that, if I did have the luck to fall pregnant, whatever change this brought in my life, I was ready for a change - I was so over the life I had.  

Let's speak soon. Sending lots of love xxxxx Minnie xxx


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Diesy.....can't really add much to the wise words already said, but just wanted to say that if you fancy a coffee & chat in person then give me a shout as we're not too far from each other ! 

Winky xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Winky, that sounds like an excellent idea thanks. You are definitely close enough to push me over the edge as it were. I'm rounding up support on the ground because I'm sure to lose it again, although hopefully not a spectacularly as this time.

Be great to meet your little one too! ...off to check my calender! Be in touch 

Diesy xx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Diesy       sorry have been away and tbh don't come on the Singles thread much either any more.


Honey am here if you want a chat and looking to have a wee visit in November ...   


It's awful when you feel at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn.  Be guided by your guardian angel.


Take care Tis xxx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Tis, it's a gnarly one.  Not really feeling much further forward, unfortunately, my head is just full of mush.  Trying to mediate and also break down the main fears.  Chat would be good ta    Seem to be rationalising myself away from it but have no doubts about doing it, does that make any sense     Jeezo, maybe it's just really rotten timing...  

Glad you had a nice holiday and a trip up here is always a good idea  
 xxx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

It all makes sense honey - I've more or less stepped away from everything IVF apart from modding on here.  Just can't face another disappointment - yeah know it might work - but there's always that nagging doubt.


The mush will soon clear and you will get some clarity - honestly.  Take very good care honey - you've had one hell of a ride.


   


Tis xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Tis - I think maybe I need to live in cupboard for 6 months    But I feel time pressure.  I think it would be a better if I'd had it easier earlier in life but I just feel done in a very sad sense of the word.  So thanks for recognising that, I think because I coped so well that friends/family don't even acknowledged my difficult times and yet they lose the plot when faced with even a little of the same.  It's ****!  

But lots of  , hat's off to you! xxx


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