# what would u say?



## donnaw (Jan 21, 2010)

Hi ladies,
I am with an egg share programme where I am going to be donating half my eggs to another couple in return for IVF and I was wondering that if I was your donor what would it mean to u that I'm going through this?

This may seem a little self indulgent so forgive me if it does but its really not for that reason I just honestly wanted to know what it means to u that I choose egg sharing rather than just my own IVF.

I would loveand welcome any of your comments 

Love and baby dust Donna xx


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi Donna,

Our donor was altruistic, but that was just the luck of the draw at our clinic and I was fully expecting an egg-share match. I know that egg-share is a little different but I think that in the main your recipients feelings will be very similar to ours. Anyone who has accepted the need for an egg donor will have gone on one hell of a journey just to be on the waiting list - either failed IVF with their own eggs, premature menopause or other factors like chemotherapy compromising their fertility. To get to the point of deciding to accept donor eggs is often very tough - getting over the loss of a 'genetic link' to a child is one some couples cannot even get past - and then when you are matched with a donor the matching criteria is actually very, very limited. I admit to a sense of panic when we were matched - of the few criteria the clinic use the hair colour of our donor was lighter than mine and that suddenly became hugely important! I took a deep breath and thought about it logically - if a lady was prepared to go through everything that IVF entails just to help 2 ladies she had never met then she really must be pretty fantastic, and if our child inherited those wonderful characteristics then surely that was more important than hair colour. As I now know our donor must have donated twice in one year as Hannah has more than a handful of DE-related siblings, so there must be 4 very happy families thanks to her fantastic gift. What our donor did has totally changed our lives, but even if it hadn't worked I would still have been so very thankful that she even gave us that chance.

Your recipient will be every bit as thankful as me that she is being given a chance at having a family and will also be keeping everything crossed for a good outcome for you too. Egg donation is not an easy journey for either side, but it really is the most fantastic gift.

I wish you, and your recipient, the same success and happiness with which you have been blessed.

Hope this is the sort of information you were looking for!

Caroline xxx


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## donnaw (Jan 21, 2010)

Thank u caroline for ur lovely message xxx


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## elinor (Jul 4, 2008)

Hi Donna

my donor was egg-sharing, and I have viewed your reply a couple of times whilst trying to think of what to say.

I know that all donors, altruistic and egg-share, must be anonymous (to me, now), but in the UK agree to give identifying information for any children to access, once they are 18. So the clinic I was with stressed the anonymity aspect all the time - I felt like I shouldn't ask too much about my donor, the information they gave me was all the usual physical characteristics, I just had to hope that given her generosity and understanding (evidenced in being a donor) that some of the more important characteristics would be there too. I wanted to do something - take a bunch of flowers, write a letter explaining what her gift meant to me, anything - but this was definitely not on. I was allowed to leave a card, but only to write a very few words, and I was told she would be made aware that I had left it for her, but that she did not have to take it, of even open it if she didn't want to (fair enough - I didn't want to do anything that would make it harder for her). I was told not to sign my name, or put any identifying information about myself. I am just telling you all this so you can see why I think it is so important to let _you_ know what I felt at the time - and what I couldn't tell my actual donor.

I felt huge gratitude. I knew that this was someone who needed to go through IVF herself, but even though she was dealing with her own fertility problems had the strength and generosity to help me with mine. I knew she had been through counselling, and discussed possible implications and how she (and her wider family) might feel about it - including potentially being contacted in years to come. I am single, so also needed to use donor sperm, and whilst I am incredibly grateful for this as well, I thought a lot more about the egg donor and what she was going through. I don't deny the importance of male donors, or want to minimise their contribution, I just felt that the egg donor was having the whole hormonal rollercoaster, giving herself injections, watching her eating and drinking (how many more glasses of milk or water?!!), staying positive, going to the clinic for scans and blood tests, then more scans and blood tests, and then having egg collection. All the time with extra factors to worry about (number of eggs, timings staying synchronised etc). I thought about her and what she was doing regularly, and at least daily from when I calculated that her treatment would be starting. I said a prayer for her and her family (current and the one to be) every day, when I was making my mental preparation for the treatment, and doing all my positive visualisations.... I wanted to let her know how precious this chance was for me, and how grateful I was (and am). I had been through eight donor inseminations, 5 IUIs and 6 IVFs by then, with two bio-chemical pregnancies and two miscarriages. I had been to five clinics for consultations, and had treatment at three (due to sperm shortage in Scotland I had to travel to Manchester for some of the treatments). I wondered if she was working, like I was, and having to juggle all the logistics of visits and injections and appointments with work and getting up early for clinic visits but getting to work late and whether she had people around her supporting her, who knew what she was going through. I prayed she did.

When it came to egg collection, I prayed hers would fertilise too (I received 4 eggs, 3 mature and 2 fertilised). I went to the clinic for embryo transfer on day2, since there was no point waiting for the two 'best' embryos when there were only two. I hoped she was having ET as well. I had my first ever experience of embryo transfer cancellation at the point when you are in the theatre with your feet up in those horribly stirrup things and the procedure has begun - the doctor said I was starting to bleed and that I he couldn't put the embryos back since I would lose them in the first week. I was devastated - I have had 2 IVF cycles with my own eggs when I didn't get to ET, but it was because of problems with the embryos, not with me, and I had had a scan just the day before that showed my lining was 'looking good'. I felt so guilty. I felt I had failed - not just (again) in my desire to become a mother, but also because my useless old body couldn't even get ready for this amazing gift from someone else. I felt that I had also failed this unknown woman, and her gift to me. I cried like I have never cried before as they wheeled me out of the theatre and said that the embryos were perfect for freezing, and I could come back next month.... I spent the 2ww praying that her treatment had worked, and imagining how she would be feeling. I lit a candle the morning I thought she would be having her blood test to find out if the treatment had worked. And I tried during that wait for her (I don't know whether it worked for her - that isn't information the recipient is allowed to know) to find some hope for me and for those two little embryos. I went back for a natural cycle FET after taking one period off. I wasn't very hopeful, since fresh embryos hadn't worked and I knew that the odds for FET were not as good - but it worked!!! I got my BFP, and after seven and a half years my fertility journey ended when my little boy was born in April 2011.

I was grateful to my donor all along - whether the treatment worked or not she had given me this chance, this wonderful opportunity, through her unique gift. How much more grateful then when it all worked out? I can't put it into words. I didn't go through a long and difficult process of 'giving up' on a genetic link with my child - I always knew whether it was DE or own egg or adoption the love would be there and that first and foremost a child is themselves, not 'this person's DNA' or 'mine' in a possessive, exclusive sense. I was grateful to the donor when I rubbed my tummy as it went from large to immense, when I talked to my baby before he was born, when I felt the first kicks and wriggles. I waited until I was home from hospital and we were on our own to tell my little boy 'his story' for the first time, on our precious first night at home just the two of us. (birth was not straightforward, stayed in hospital for 5 days, then my parents were with me a few more...) I didn't wait because of keeping it secret, or not wanting to be overheard, but because I wanted it to be just the two of us (my family all know he is double donor conceived), when I told him about all the people who had worked together to help him get here - the doctors, the nurses, the embryologist, the sperm donor and egg donor (I explained briefly that this was a kind man and a very kind woman who had given the special egg and the seed that grew into him). I have told him versions of this story regularly, and will make up a book (once he moves on from board books and can be trusted not to rip up paper!) so he has pictures as well. I want him to know how everybody involved really wanted him to be here, and that although for me it was a long journey it is just a different way to make a family, our family, and that story is just the beginning.

I think about the egg donor - in some ways because I know when her treatment was I can hope 'well, if things worked out then her baby will be about two months older than mine' - I can't do this for the sperm donor of course, because that is a different thing. I feel more sense of connection to her because of this. I hope she has the family she wanted, if not through that cycle of treatment then through whatever path she took. I will always remain more grateful to her than I can say.

I am not sure if this has answered your question, but thank you for choosing to do this. I hope treatment works out for you (and your recipient) - but for her the gift of hope and the knowledge that there are women out there who can and do choose to become donors (egg-sharing or otherwise) will mean so much. 'Thank you' really doesn't come close to covering it.

All best wishes
Elinor xx


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