# I've gone to pieces :(



## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

Help!! I am all over the psychological place tonight. 

Had ivf a couple of months ago - resulted in mc on OTD. ( I'm doing this as a single person with donor). Saw my consultant and agreed IUI in January with 5% chance. 

Have been in my job 4 years. A job came up at work. Promotion I would normally have gone for. Whilst on the 2ww, I decided not to go for it.  When mc happened - put my name forward. At the end of the day - job I'd normally like pre ivf and when I was feeling good, more money and don't know what will happen with my next try. Probably not the best reasons. 

Got shortlisted. Involved psychometric testing where I fill a questionnaire in and then you have 90 mins with a consultant analysing your results looking at leadership and personal motivation.  That was tonigh. It felt like a character assassination. I really don't like or recognise the person who was repeated back to me......... I don't care if I make a good impression on new people? I don't honour my commitments? I don't complete tasks? I don't plan for the future? I don't have any perseverance? With the honour my commitments - she said I scored as low as I could get. I'm not energetic. I'm argumentative. I should probably say I'm a counsellor by trade and I manage services for vulnerable adults.  This is not who I am or I'd have been sacked years ago!!

So... IThis report will get sent to my boss. Its an internal promotion so whether or not I get the new job, I still work there. I have no idea how the uncertainty of my future has affected me (other than badly if those results are accurate!) but I don't know what to do.  I'm mortified that such a negative report is going to my current employer - should I step away from the interview process and say my head clearly not where it should be? I'm stepping away from a promotion that I can get... And if I don't get pregnant - then I'm stuck in a job that I don't want to be in without a baby... And a man..... Wow .. No wonder I don't plan for the future.  It's crap.... 

Any advice.... Or just a hug?  I'm feeling rubbish at feeling like my personality and what I stamd for has been destroyed and even worse - I completed the questionnaire that allowed that to happen . Risking bosses at work reading it and agreeing with the garbage....


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

Izzyblue -  I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time xx

I too  have been guilty of putting my career in hold in the hope that I will get that elusive BFP... 

I would hope that your employer knows your ability and your worth and that you are more than capable of doing the new job without a questionnaire which obviously had skewed results! 

I can't advise what you should do - only you can make that decision  -  only you know how much you want /deserve that job! 

I just wanted to say,  don't beat yourself up over this  

Take care 

Angelica 
xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Izzy

Your post has really touched me and I wanted to reach out and give you a cyber hug! 

Sounds to me a bit like these tests are simply arbitrary and dare I say it a load of old rubbish, "you don't plan for the future" but yet you have put yourself through IVF all by yourself with the ultimate goal of achieving a family! If that's not planning for the future I don't know what is!

As for not having perseverance, IVF and any fertility treatment is all about perseverence, if you didn't have it you would give up when the down reg drugs start messing with your head! Would the person testing you have braved such a process I womder!

Have you told your work about the IVF? Did you tell the person conducting the tests? Your situation is different to other people's right now amd that should be taken into account, even if its only to explain the test results to your boss so they realise that this is an extreme circumstance!

I can tell you that I have lost a lot of my confidence and self belief through this process and after two chemical pregnancies on my first two cycles I feel like I am a completely different person now, I'm hoping I will get the old me back one day but perhaps infertility just changes who we are!

It's always darkest before the dawn sweetie!

Another hug hun! 

Pudding
X


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## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

Thank you both xx

I hadn't told work it was ivf.  Boss would be most surprised saying I'd miscarried when I hadn't mentioned a partner lol. But was very supportive when I did announce a mc!


An hour later since my post and all change.......  I'm not excited about the promotion. I'm volunteering on Xmas day at a crisis centre. I'm excited at that. The fact that my energy levels drop when I talk about this job.... Something clearly wrong. Maybe three years ago I wanted promotion. Maybe another company will excite me ...

But right now... Say no to the interview. Book a holiday..... And stop following old dreams.  I need to be healthy for January to give myself the best chance. 

Thanks for reading.  Typing out my story made me realise that friends would be screaming at me that work isn't important. I am. The additional cash and a bit of a better title doesn't matter. If it's meant to be - it will be.......  

Thanks for reading!! Am feeling quite liberated at withdrawing my acceptance of an interview now.


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm glad you feel good about your decision

As you say being healthy and happy is the most important thing for you right now

Get yourself ready for january - a holiday sounds perfect 

xx


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## Guest (Nov 6, 2014)

Hi Izzyblue, 
I hope you're continuing to feel more cheerful   I have a very similar job and have experience of the kind of tests you mentioned. I agree with Pudding! Sometimes they are a load of rubbish! You're a human being not a robot and you're allowed to have different aspects to your personality & character, which can change & show up depending what's happening in your life. 

If you've withdrawn your application maybe it doesn't matter now, but otherwise you could have explained about the ivf, which very reasonably would affect the results anyway! People often seem to expect us to be a bit crazy when going thru infertility treatment! I hope some wonderful things happen to you and you plan a lovely holiday. I'm thinking a beach holiday early next year would be great as well!  

All the best and sending another cyber hug   xx


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## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

Thanks Merlin angelica and pudding 

Finally got hold of the test centre and said I was withdrawing from the process so asked them not to send to my employer.  Have a sinking feeling that they will send it anyway. But not much more I can do now.  I retracted my acceptance of the interview. Felt wobbly today. I think admitting that I am hitting a bit of a bottom is taking some adjustment to my esteem plus the knocks it took last night.  But until I stop bottling it up, it's not going to shift out of my system so it's another thing I need to do to get myself healthy for jan. 

Have told close friends about outcome of yesterday.  Lovely people with a response I do believe - am I going to listen to a woman who has spent 90 mins talking to me 4 weeks after a rubbish time, or them who have known me x years and have seen the good and the bad days...... Hmmm put like that....!! 

Good luck and hugs on your own journeys.


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## Izzyblue (Sep 26, 2014)

To finish off the story... As I am so blinking mad. 

Went out for a drink with a few current and ex work colleagues tonight. One ex turned up who had also applied for the job and done the psychometric testing. He described it as a personality assassination... Had also scored the lowest anyone else had scored on a point (his was being organised... Mine was being honour commitments) and left feeling crap. ....  Calling his dad family and friends for reassurance. Wondering how he could ever manage. 

Ian so annoyed I fell for a basic trick of trying to get a reaction from someone.  Not bothered I've withdrawn but bothered I felt so upset. Have tried today asking for my results  not to be forwarded. Turns out that even though I withdraw consent... They belong to the company who paid for them. That's my employer. It's ok for external candidates. This is my current employer. I'm gutted at being played for a fool by everyone. Am sad.


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