# Not sure who I am anymore...



## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

How did I become this person?
Nearly 42, childless, and someone I don’t recognise.
For as long as I can remember the only thing I knew I wanted to be was a mom. So for years as my friends I had kids I would always be the one who was out there – playing with the kids at the group gatherings… Then as I started to realise things weren’t happening for us I started to withdraw. I didn’t get the same joy from playing with the kids anymore… more a realisation that there was a void in my life.  So I stopped going to things that hurt… christenings were the worst. And as friends had babies they knew that I wouldn’t be there for them at that specific point in their lives. Some accepted it and tried to understand. Most didn’t get it – and felt I should be happy for them and get over it – so I saw less and less of them.
Pregnancy announcements left me in tears, new born babies left me needing to leave the room / building… The fake smile got harder and harder to put on so now I avoid going out where I know the main topic will be babies and being a parent. I can’t contribute.. I have nothing to add to those conversations.. so I end up feeling  more and more isolated.
3 failed attempts at IVF later I’m just not sure I am mentally able to keep going. My OH’s sister has  just had a baby – a little girl – and I cannot bear it. My OH has gone tonight to meet his niece. I couldn’t go. I can’t stand to see him hold a newborn baby that’s not ours.  I can’t stand the fact that instead of being a dad he is an uncle.  So instead Im sat here typing this with tears running down my face – feeling like a dreadful person as I’ve run out of the ability to be “happy” for others when it makes me feel so low. Just not sure who the heck I am anymore....


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

I know how you feel. I feel the same. I'm not sure what the solution is. I don't go to baby showers and I was in tears at my last Christening (hidden in the bathroom).

The only thing that has helped me over the last month (personally, and I appreciate it might only help me) is to get two kittens. I'm loving being their mummy with my partner.

I still have the emotions you've listed. You aren't dreadful. You aren't alone.

I've almost had to stop comparing my life with others. It's the only way I can protect myself. I know I have attributes that are wonderful and i'm trying to be me, through this.

These podcasts helped me too: https://beatinfertility.co/ and this one too: https://beatinfertility.co/managing-relationships-friends-family/

xx

x

/links


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## Fairy_secrets (Aug 16, 2014)

Hi littlemissv, I couldn't read this and not comment.

Infertility can be so unbearably isolating. I felt everything you mentioned, I still do in a lot of ways bizarely even though I have a child.
Are you seeing a councillor or have a close friend you can unload too and try and sort through your feelings with?
It's a good idea to protect yourself by not going to christening or seeing your niece ect, you must put yourself first and do what you can to get through it. 
I don't really have anything helpful to suggest, I just recognise all the pain you spoke of and want you to know your not alone in feeling this way. 
And who says you have to feel happy for people all the time. It hurts to much.


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Thank you ladies... Your kind words are appreciated.

Funnily enough I contacted a counsellor tonight - I wasn't expecting to hear back straight away but they have already replied and we are going to have a chat tomorrow.  

It really does help sometimes to just put these feelings out into the ether - a place where you can be faceless and say how you really feel... Its sad but reassuring that others can relate to it... reminds I'm not alone but at the same time makes me sad that someone else has also felt this pain! 

I'm going to have a listen to those podcasts Rio - so thank you.

Take care both of you
L xx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Didn't want to read and run but littlemissv it could have been me writing your post.  I feel completely the same and I totally and utterly get it.  Everything you said rings true for me too.  I feel very low and empty at the moment.  Thank goodness for the support on here.  
Good luck with the counsellor.  If our 3rd cycle fails it'll be the end of the road for us and I will look to have counselling too. xxx


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