# Should I go again at 44?



## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

It's a long time since I've been on here as I was incredibly lucky to have a son through IVF at age 42 (ET at age 41). My apologies if that is insensitive to those of you who have not _yet_ been able to have your first, but maybe it will give you some hope too.

We wanted to try for a sibling and haven't sooner as my son was sadly ill during his first 18m of life. He's doing well now and we just completed another round of IVF which has been a BFN. Not entirely unexpected at my age of 44. My dilemma is whether to try again or not, or is it just too low a chance? I've looked on every clinic's website within a 50 mile radius of us and none have any stats for over 44s that don't say 0% with own eggs. Does that mean no women have babies over 44 in the North West through IVF with own eggs? Surely not!

I am very healthy for my age, BMI good, AMH is in normal range (but lowest end of this). I do have problems with thin lining, but it still worked with my son despite this.

Is it worth us trying more IVF? or is it really such a long shot at my age? I know how lucky we are to have our son, but it seems so unfair that we can't just do what every other 'normal' family does and have a sibling for him. Is anyone else in this position?

My apologies again if anyone finds this insensitive, but I'm not sure which other section to post it in. I know there is a 'hoping for another miracle' section in the 'pregnancy and parenting' section but they are mostly about 10-15 years younger than me in there and it's quite inactive. My main question is really about age and treatment anyway.

Thanks and wishing you all lots of luck


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Aurora - I'd say go for it. I think it's good that you're being sensitive about everyone's feelings. I know how you feel as I wanted a sibling for my son, but was sensitive to some women not being successful with their first. I was very lucky. I had a son from my cycle of double donation and had 3 blastocysts frozen. I then went for a FET and again, had my daughter, who is now 18 months and my son is 4 in July. I have two still frozen and am planning a further cycle to use them as I don't want to let them perish. I feel so blessed with my little family and have never regretted it.
I think clinics are sometimes reluctant to let women over about 42-3 go for OE cycles, but obviously you can do. I looked into IVF when I was about 43 and was basically advised that I should do donor egg, without any tests being done! As I'm single, I debated it at length and was 45 when I decided to go ahead, as I'd also had to get my BMI down to be able to have treatment. I don't think the clinics have stats on women over 43/4 with OE as there are so few cycles done. Obviously women can have babies from OE at this age. I went straight to double donation due to my age and wanting to maximise my chances of having a healthy baby. I never expected to get back up embryos, but thankfully I did.
You have to weigh up options. Would you rather try for a sibling in the knowledge that it might not work, rather than look back and think you didn't give it a shot? Just be realistic about the chances. You might not want to do donor egg, but it is something to look into as it increases your chances. With my age at 45, my chances of a BFP with OE was 5%, but with DE, it was 50-60%. Also, I understand that once you've had a baby, you stand a better chance of IVF working as your body knows what to do. If you did DE, the baby would still be genetically connected to your son through you partner, but you have to decide whether you can deal with this issue. I'd say look into it but go for it if you really want a sibling.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

fully agree with deblovescats. If you are healthy and  ovarian reserve is good, just follow your dreams. Good luck


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi ladies
I've been asking myself the same question...  I'm only just 44 with a 4 month old and would love another baby as I've always wanted to have 2...  If I do it again, it will be early next year but which time, I'll be a few months off 45...  Am I too old  I'm a single mum using donor sperm and had IVF...  Thank you


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## nednoodle (Feb 22, 2018)

I am 44 and will be doing my first IVF cycle next month. (We were extremely lucky to conceive our daughter who is now 5 with no issues but have now been trying for over 3 years with no joy, 2 missed miscarriages on clomid). I was very unsure about whether to try with my own eggs. My plan b is to use donor eggs and I have made my peace with that. The reason I have decided to try with my own eggs is if I didn't, I would always wonder 'what if'. And 44 really is the last chance for me, the odds over 45 are so much lower. Trying will hopefully give me some closure although I am under no illusions that the odds are against me. The Lister clinic in London has a tool on their website where u can put in your age and AMH and it gives u the odds based on the huge number of cycles that they have done. It shows u the odds of successful cycles of people with the same age and AMH as you. I guess you should weigh up what is the best and worse thing that can happen with each of your options. And do u have a plan b or is this the only chance? E.g. if you can only afford one more cycle and would consider donor eggs, then it would make sense to go straight for a donor cycle as your chances would be MUCH better.  And financially how would a failed cycle affect you? If you didn't do it, might you wish in a few years (when it will be too late to use your own eggs) that u had tried?


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Ladies
You are not too old! Go for it. I was 46 when I conceived my son, 47 when he was born, and 48 when I had FET and 49 when I gave birth to my daughter. I do worry sometimes about what people think, but people who are important to me, are all supportive of me and my children, and people I don't know, don't matter to me! I plan to be the best mum I can. I probably do more with my children such as groups, than some younger mums.
I am totally happy with donor eggs - I just wanted a healthy baby, and no one has ever questioned that they don't look like me! I love them so much, couldn't love them more if they were from OE.
Good luck


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Such lovely support here. I completely agree for you to go with your gut or the 'path of least regret' that you feel settled with, before potentially needing to evaluate any other options.

We were lucky to have an OE cycle succeed and have our son. We started trying for his sibling when he was 1, and spent the next three years doing more OE cycles with no success - mostly BFNs, a chemical and a m/c. It was really important for me to try, try new things, new clinics, and stop when I felt emotionally and mentally at peace with my attempts. 

I will be 40 next month (my DOR seemed to hit me a bit earlier than others, I guess) and we have spent the last 1.5 years investigating and trying donor cycles. I got to the point where I felt no sadness, wistfulness, or difficulty coming to terms with this. It's a personal decision and I also understand those who feel differently. For me, I realized it was not likely I was even making blasts and with increasingly poor cycle results, all cycles being paid with zero coverage, and my son getting older each year, I came to realize my new dream was simply for him to have a sibling. (Which he desperately wants.) He would accept and love any baby, and I knew I would be blessed to find a way to have another.

Unfortunately, thus far we haven't been lucky with donor eggs - but realized DH may have had a sperm issue as well all along. When I had an early m/c from a DE pregnancy, I can tell you I grieved like mad and that baby was fully, completely ours and those early betas and first days felt exactly as my OE pregnancy with our son. Just as important, real and our child.

We have now moved onto double donor embryos, and likewise - we completely embrace the concept and reality, and pray for another child to come to us this way. 

It took me time and continued OE tries before this happened for us though. I have zero regrets about the time and money spent. I know it was for a reason and it was what I needed to do.

I also feel like it gave me personally perspective on what a family and love can actually be made of, and broadened my world with this newfound understanding.

Wishing you the best of luck and don't doubt your dreams or feelings for a second, as they are real and belong to you right now, and moving forward with those dreams is really what life is all about even when it's hard.


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your helpful and thoughtful replies. 

Deblovescats, you have given me some hood things to think about, thanks. I suspect your success with your son and daughter is a lot to do with donor eggs (who knows though) which many of you here seem to have opted for. 

My difficulty with DE is that my son is OE. If I then had a child who was from DE how would that affect them both? I like to think I would treat them no differently, but what if they couldn't help thinking about the difference? How might it effect their thinking? 

Hopefulkayte, apologies if that's an insensitive question, but how did you deal with considering that side of things or do you not feel it's a factor?  I am so sorry for your loss too and really hope what sounds like an increadibly tough journey comes through for you soon.

Rebecca, did you use your own eggs previously too? 

My other concern with DE is the additional cost and time. It costs considerably more (I know I have to weigh that up against the much higher chances of it working) and the time it takes to find a donor will possibly be an issue too.  When i decided to try agsin, DE hadn't even crossed my mind. It was OE or nothing. I knew chances were slim though. Now it's not worked I have to revaulate. If I didn't have my son from OE, I wouldn't hesitate to try with DE, but because of him I just don't think I can. I think it has to be OE or nothing for me. I hadn't even looked into it, so I guess I need to find out more about it before writing it off completely though. Any good sources of info re DE? 

Nednoodle, you're right, I think part of the trying is knowing you have given it a shot and having closure. I don't feel like that after this first try, but it's only been 2 days. Maybe I need to give it a week or two then rethink. I looked at the Lister tool (thanks for that) and it says live birth rate is 6.3%! Not great at all. Mind you my chances were 14% last time which is not hugely higher. 

Thanks so much to you all x


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Hi Aurora, do you mean how did I feel about using DE/DD after having an OE/OS child?

Assuming yes   here are my thoughts. After spending years paying for out-of-pocket IVF cycles in Canada (zero coverage for any of them here unfortunately) for a second child, as well as rapidly decreasing results (ie. embryos not surviving to day 5, even had some shattered eggs in my last retrieval!), it was obvious it was very unlikely I'd have another bio child. The amount of debt required to undertake this over many years, plus not having any promising cycle results - it would have been illogical to continue. Also, it came to be that it wasn't just us who wanted another child, our son did. He wants one very much, is the only 'only' he knows, and watched his younger cousins all get siblings. He asks when a baby will come to live at our house. It's totally heartbreaking. 

I realized it's love that makes a family, and really now this is about him. We considered what would be the most likely as well as financially feasible way to grow our family at this point. It seemed donor eggs or double donor embryos gave the greatest chance, while keeping the pursuit secret from him to protect his emotional health in the meantime (foster to adopt or adoption too risky and unlikely), and would also give me the chance to be pregnant again.

Cycling is hard, especially since I have done it for most of my marriage. The emotional, financial, physical, and logistical toll is breaking. There is also not a local IVF clinic in my city. My career and privacy have been drastically affected for so many years. I want out, but I want a sibling for my child. For us, the cost of DE and now DD embryos overseas is actually minimal (including the airfare to get there) compared to the astronomical cost of any assisted reproductive technology in North America.

Not everyone comes to this point or this way of thinking and I totally understand it. I wasn't here during the three continued years of OE cycles I did after him.

Now as he's older, has started school, is 'out there' in the world, and so many friendship and family relationships and realities have come into play, and with so many losses and failures behind us, I can whole-heartedly say bringing another baby into our family via an alternate route would absolutely be a dream come true.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Aurora - I totally understand how you feel. It is hard to come to terms with DE. My decision to go again was more straightforward as my son and daughter are both from the same batch of embryos and as I don't have a genetic link, I wanted them to have a genetic sibling. I didn't have to wait too long for a donor - although this was back in 2013, it was 6 weeks for an egg sharer and the sperm donor was already available. I think that UK clinics have much shorter waiting lists than used to be the case some time ago. I didn't want to waste my money on a very low risk of success, but everyone is different and you have to do what is right for you.


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## Besidetheseaside (Nov 11, 2015)

Aurora- my boss has got 2 kids. For the first child they had 3 rounds of IVF at the age of 41 and for the second child 8 IVF at the age of 43 to 44 
I guess it's possible it's just a matter of money, stamina, mental and physical health.
Good luck x


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Hopefulkayte, thanks so much for your open and honest reply. It sounds like you have an amazing approach to it and I really hope it works out for you. What you say makes total sense. I guess as I hadn't really been thinking about DE it's something I need to just fully process and think through.

Deblovescats, thanks, I hadn't looked into it yet, so need to find out waiting times etc if I do decide I want to follow that route. I think having both your children from the same donor really makes a difference, but actually, the more I'm thinking about it now, really it shouldn't matter, as Kayte says, it's about the love the family has. 

Besidetheseaside, thanks for that example. Wow, that's a lot for their 2nd child. I know that I couldn't emotionally and financially do that so guess I have to figure out what SO could do or consider the alternatives. 

Thanks again to you all x


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## nednoodle (Feb 22, 2018)

Auroraangel, I know what you mean about being worried about using donor eggs after having a biological child.  Initially I was very reticent about it and almost wouldn't consider it.  Then I did a lot of reading around the subject (the Donor Conception Network has some really helpful resources including using DE after OE).  We also attended the Manchester Fertility show in Manchester and went to lots of talks there and spoke to lots of people on the stands, almost all of who said that at 44 (I had only turned 44 the week before which was a bit gutting!), that I should go straight to donor eggs. The Donor Conception Network had a stand and were very helpful.  After the show,  I finally felt happy with the thought of using DE and quite excited about the prospect of having IVF with good odds of success.  Then two days later we had our follow up appointment at Manchester fertility where I got my AMH result.  I am very lucky that my AMH is good for my age so using my OE was back on the agenda.  We decided to give it a go but are going to do PGS too to hopefully reduce my chance of miscarriage. I feel much happier about the still low chance of success with my OE, now I know that we do have a plan b that has a good chance of success.  The thing that decided it for me is how badly my daughter wants a sibling.  If we end up using DEs and are successful with that, I think I will be so overjoyed that I won't care that the child wouldn't have much of my DNA (apparently even with DE, the embryo does still pick up some of your DNA as it grows).  I would also be so grateful to that self-less woman who went through the gruelling process of egg donation to help me complete my family.  So we are hopeful that one of our options will work. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanks Nednoodle and apologies for delay in replying, have had internet probs

That sounds like a bit of a rollercoaster! I'm in the NW too, would you recommend Manchester fertility? I'm considering treatment abroad as they seem better with age, but if there are ones nearby that are ok with it I might contact them.  I haven't contacted any other Uk clinics so far as my feeling from their websites and speaking to them last time (when I was 40) was they aren't very positive or helpful re age. However if they seem good it might be worth me contacting them.  We had just stuck with the NW clinic we had our son through, but I've become very disillusioned with their approach now. 

Do you mind me asking what your AMH is.  e.g. what they consider good? Mine is low end of normal, not sure if they'd consider that good or not? 

I am coming round to the idea of DE as a possibility, just want to weigh up all the options first and obviously if OE are a possibility without being too low chance it'd be preferable. 

very best of luck to you, I really hope it works out x


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I have 3 donor egg children from two different egg donors. I have just had a failed thaw with my last two frosties and am moving on to a third egg donor to complete my family. 
Re my current children they are siblings. I am open about treatment and my twins ( age 7 and 1/2) know that they are donor egg and that their little sister is from a different donor. It doesn't matter - she is their little sister. 

The donor conception network do a leaflet about using de after oe.

Serum in Athens used to do a 2 cycle package for own eggs. They have pretty good success rates for oe in older women and , if you have a poor response to your first cycle you can put that money towards a donor egg cycle. I couldn't confirm if they still do it but if interested you could contact them. Being abroad it is anonymous donors which you have to be comfortable with. However my view is with all the home DNA testing etc  by the time our kids are adults they'll be able to find out a lot if they want to. 

Good luck deciding.


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Mierran, 

Thanks for your reply and sorry for delay in replying - have had a difficult couple if weeks so not been online.

This us really helpful, thanks and congrats on your children. Sounds like you have a great approach to being open with them. 

After a follow up appt at my clinic This week after my failed cycle, where they basically told me I have no chance with OE, I've been thinking about DE a lot more. 

Do you mind me asking what clinics/s you used? Was it Serum? 

Thanks
Aurora


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