# over 40 and in search of a donor



## chateaumargo (Jul 28, 2011)

I have spent the last few years diligently and cautiously looking into becoming a mother through IVF with an egg & sperm donation and only recently decided that it was much more sensible to work with an existing embryo. Now that I am learning about embryo donation, it seems to be the best way forward for me.

A few years ago, actually just after my 40th birthday, I found out my FSH level was very high - not high like many people think 12 or 20 is high, my last FSH reading was over 56!  I have been told - my eggs are not only not being released but are more than likely not viable and that my chances of becoming pregnant with my own eggs even with assistance is less than 1%. The good news is that my HSG and all other tests say my uterus and I are in great shape to carry and give birth!

The background to how I have ended up on this part of my journey started about three years ago. After a separation from my husband, a disorienting return to my hometown of New Orleans (after spending 14 years abroad in London), a hurricane that rendered my housing uninhabitable (all of which caused pretty intense displacement) and the finalization of divorce (previously married for 18 years), I found myself grieving the loss of my husband as well as a loss of motherhood in the traditional sense. My gynecologist noticed a profound yearning in me for motherhood and began educating me about the possibilities offered by assisted reproductive technology and explained why she thought it was the best route for me to take and I made my first appointment with an RE.

I have the support in place to confidently move forward. I have worked for the University of Texas at Austin in a very stable position for several years, with a number of resources available including a great maternity plan and a full spectrum PPO plan from BlueCross BlueShield, a reputable child development center on campus, as well as a strong network of other mothers.  My friends and neighbors are supportive and my colleagues at work are
aware of my choices and have also been very encouraging.

Ideally I would like a known embryo donation, but I am open to anonymous as well. At 43, I do not wish to put off trying any longer and I have been preparing myself for IVF treatment and the challenges of becoming a mother for many years, I am more than ready to move forward and hope I will find the right match soon. I am willing and able to travel to the clinic where the embryos are cryopreserved. 

My HSG, psychological screening, STD tests, lipid panel, ultrasounds, pap, mammogram, thyroid tests and a number of reports reveal that I am prepared to cycle and receive an embryo transfer. My uterus is healthy and all the signs are good for achieving a full-term pregnancy.

At this point, I can only imagine what being a parent may be, but intuitively I believe it will make me a better person, not only as it will demand patience, sacrifice and humility, but because mothering a child may help me understand myself better. I think it will give me real insights into what it means to be human and it turn will create an energy that is more revolutionary and along with the inevitable frustration and exhaustion of being a mother, it is likely to instill a kind of drive that empowers and brings out vitality as well. I believe one's true reality is in one's identity and unity with others, with all beings - which of course can be achieved without becoming a mother in the physical sense of the word, but I guess my sense for my own life is that by giving birth and being absolutely responsible for another human being on infinite levels, will give me a very direct connection to creation. Belonging, connection and creation in my mind are all enormous benefits. I believe it will make me more tolerant and humble, which to me are important aspects to living a good life. Might I add, that as much as anyone may think they know about parenthood before it arrives, the drawbacks or the benefits, it is just impossible to know and we are all neophytes in parenthood from the beginning at any stage or status in life.

I sense having a child will change my life in every way possible and then some. Like a marriage - for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, becoming a parent is a commitment to me and I will do my utmost to ensure the well being of that child. I will be open and honest with my child and ensure it knows how and why and by what means s/he came into my life. I will let the child now how deeply I wanted to bring them into the world and just how much I wanted him or her to be part of my world. I hopefully will find myself a loving and committed husband to be a father in our home and share the rhythms of day-to-day life but I will not depend upon it and feel my community is strong enough to provide fathering energies and connections.

I am most grateful for any assistance and look forward to learning and sharing with others in this group.

Optimistically,
Margo


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## Sarana37 (Mar 6, 2010)

Hi Margo,
Congratulations on your courage, and go for it!   


I'm not sure how it works in the States, perhaps it is possible to have embryo transfer with ID release. I know that it's possible and relatively affordable to have embryo adoption in the Czech Republic and in Greece, however these would be from anonymous donors. My resources stretched to only one attempt here in the UK, with two separate donors. I was incredibly lucky and it worked on first attempt with double donor transfer (otherwise I would have gone to either of the places I mentioned) - and, I'm over 50! (various reasons why it couldn't happen before now). The reason I wanted to try the UK first was so that any potential child could in the future have access to their genetic details if was important to them. However, if it hadn't have worked I would have reluctantly had to let go of that idea and hoped the anonymous issue wasn't going to be too much of an obstacle for a future child of mine.


All going well, I will meet my little miracle for the first time in a few weeks! And I can't wait! It feels so absolutely right to have done this, and I don't mind what I have to sacrifice in order to be able to manage. Paying for childcare whilst working full-time will be a major challenge, especially in the very difficult economic climate here just now - however I am trying to meet these challenges with a creative approach, and as much humour as possible!


The site has been a huge source of support for me. And despite my fears of how others I know may take my decision ( I hardly shared with anyone in the early stages) I have been quite surprised by the overwhelming positivity that has been generated towards me and my little one by those I know. I thought some may judge my decision, as I'm on my own, and at my age - yet it's been quite the opposite, and it seems like this little one has already brought a lot of joy to many!


I'm glad you've found this site - keep exploring it and asking whatever you need to know, or letting off stream if you're having a hard time. I've found the community of contributors here to be amazingly generous.


all the best,


Sarana


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Margot
I was 44 when I had treatment and 45 when I had a little bundle of joy - and have never looked back.  I had double donation in Spain.  More expensive than the countries Sarana mentions but right for me.

Am hoping to go back for my frosties in the not too distant future.  My donor are completely anonymous so maybe not right country choice for you.

You'l never regret it, whatever you choose!  Good luck
RLxx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi Margo

My clinic BcnIVF in Barcelona does double donor fresh tx and it also has a shared donor and shared risk programme which you may find is a great option for you as if no success after 3 attempts gives a 70% refund.  But as it is Spain the donor ID cannot be released.  

Also FET at Reprofit is very reasonable and there price list is on their website.  If you read suitcase of dream's article on Egg donation, it will give you the costs of all the clinics.

Best of luck 

Passenger x


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi Margo

I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck on your journey.  

T xx


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