# New and struggling-warning -bit of a tome!



## redmond (Jun 29, 2006)

This post has been a long time coming for me.  I have been lurking on this board for about a year now and trying to get the courage and acceptance to post.  I have felt like it's where I belong but have been fighting against it.  I often sit here crying reading all your words of wisdom, support, and courage, and wishing I had the strength that you all show. I have been trying to conceive for 7years and have had four attempts at IVF and three FET's.  I think part of the problem with stopping the treatment cycle was we always got great results which kept me thinking next time....  Well we've just finished treatment no. 4 and NO MORE I have truly reached my limit and am devestated but trying hard to accept that this is the end of the road for us. It is so hard to do this and I know I need help.  I feel like I have lost myself along the way.  I used to know who I was and what I believed but with each step along this IVF path I seem to have lost any sense of my self and my limits.  I have always been anti the medical model approach and been a believer in alternative therapies.  However the last few years I have put my body through so much and tried more extreme measures than I ever thought I would in my efforts to conceive.  

Initially I was extremely resistant to the idea of IVF,and even used to say if it didn't happen I would have to accept my childless state. i even remember talking to a friend about my fears of how IVF would consume my life and it wasn't for me!  Well I suppose I have learnt never say never!  After a year of trying to concieve I reluctantly went for a HSG and told all clear.  Cutting a long and painful story short waited for 2 years still hoping to conceive as no problems identified.  When I finally went for IVF told both tubes blocked and nedded to be removed!  Turns out as a result of infection introduced by HSG-no antibiotics used-but try and prove this! So 2 wasted years!  So I started out on my IVF journey..... 

I have had such an awful two years and want to move on and get some pleasure out of life again.  Dec 05 we decided to have a 2nd attempt at IVf.  The day befor my e/c my father died suddenly he had been sick for a year.  I decided to go ahead with E/T but not surprisingly we got a negative result.  on top of this my darling mother, who had been nursing dad, was diagnosed with Ovarian CA 2 months before dad died.  I cared for her for a few months and she looked like she was responding well to treatment/  July 06 we had our final go at IVF and amazingly got a BFP on my 43rd birthday.  The next day informed mum's CA back and terminal-she died 2 weeks later leaving me devestated.  I was incredibly close to Mum and am still struggling to accept she's gone she was only 66yrs old.  I somehow managed to organise her funeral and keep going. My parents livd in Ireland which added further stress commuting between countries.  I had my 7 weeks scan confirming heart beat the day before Mum's funeral, a day I will never forget.  The chance of a baby kept me going and I somehow felt it was a gift from Mum taking care of me-Mum was a catholic.  Mum loved children and was nearly as desparate as I was for me to have a child. Sadly I miscarried at 11weeks.  I can't put into words how devestated I was and finally all my grief for mum came pouring out.  I took a few months off work and managed to get myself back on track-I am fortunate to be quite resiliant, and a quite a survivor as life has dealt me a number of hard deals already!  Went back to work and Jan '07 decided to go ahead with FET.  Amazed to get another BFP but very scared sadly miscarried 7 weeks on Mum's birthday!  Knocked about again by my grief but determined to keep going.  One thing Mum taught me was to get on with life and try and enjoy yourself.  She was a remarkable character and is still keeping me going.  
Somehow found the strength to have another final go at IVF which ended up as a negative last week. Actually not sure strength the right word as now  feeling so overwhelmed and, stupid for putting myself back in the depths of dispair.  I hardly told anyone about this last attempt because I knew they would tell me not to because of what I've been through already.  Anyway what done is done and I am now going to have to work out how to move forward.  I am sick of feeling miserable and finding life a struggle.  Part of me just wants to hold my hands up and admit I've had enough.  This also frightens me and is quite alien to me.  I am off work today and trying to decide whether to battle on and go back tomorrow or go to GP and take time out.  I have had so much time off work and lost opportunities because of the last few years.  I/m sick of IF controling my life, I don't want to let my job suffer anymore but at the moment don't trust myself to make the best decision for me.  This has been hard to write and is a bit all over the place but feel glad I've put it all down. Thank-you for reading my story I know everyone here has been through so much themseleves and will understand and not judge me.  Thanks again love Jackiexx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

(((((Jackie)))))) I'm glad you found the courage to post here. First I want to say that you have been through a hell of a lot these past few years - and you've coped with all of it. What a strong person you are - but it is natural that you would say 'enough is enough'. Reading your story there are so many resonances with mine. I too was very anti the whole IVF approach at the start and very much into alternative therapies - but got sucked into the IVF treadmill. My losses are different from yours (see my siggy) but I understand how you got swept up into the hope-dismay-hope again-dismay cycle that is IVF treatment. I too got pregnant with FET only to lose the baby at 7 weeks. And we lost him on the anniversary of DH's mum's death. So I know how hard dealing with grief can be - I'm still dealing with it, especially the loss of Grace which hit me really hard. But there does come a point where you have to move on. It will be the sanest, bravest decision you will ever make. There is a life without children. With all you've been through you can certainly say you gave it a good try! I know that it is scary to look into the future that is definitely not as you planned it. But the ladies on this board (who are much further along this journey than me) will show you that you can have a full and very happy life without children. You will reclaim your life, I promise. It just may take a little time - allow yourself that time and be easy on yourself.
Bernie xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Jackie and well done for posting, see not so bad is it. And there is your first step to getting better as you did something we all struggled with 'ask for help'. We are very strong people, we have to be to get through the most horrid of treatments and on top of that all the other crap life throws at us. Lets face it things always happen at once and push us to the limit. And you did it, you got through the worst few years anyone could ever want and you now know it's time to be good to yourself.

Taking the time off will allow you to continue grieving, I know it's a chore and can totally understand the frustration of moving on but it needs to be done. If you are in the right job they will understand and probably look forward to having a happier Jackie back. If they give you grief then use the time off to think about what you want out of life now the role you thought you would have is not an option. 7 months ago I would not have been able to write that last sentence so I'll understand if it's a difficult one to read. But it does go to show that you can move on in time. I am so glad you posted, my mother died when I was 16 and although we weren't close it is nice to have someone to help you through this difficult time. They both sounded like wonderful people and I bet you have some fab memories. What a wonderful thing to have. 

Take care and stay in touch.
X


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jackie, 

Welcome to the moving on thread..... We never wish people to end up here, but we're glad when they post because then we can support them.

You have been through an incredible amount, and the simplest thing I can say to you is to be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with your losses. Deciding that you have reached the end of your treatment is a decision that no-one else can make for you, but being amongst others who have had to make that decision (as I did last September) is incredibly therapuetic. Our society isn't doing very much at all to try and understand what it is to be involuntarily childless, and thus it can be an incredibly isolating experience, and amongst a few other things, I have found belonging here to be probably the most consistently supportive thing I have done (alongside individual therapy with a infertility specialist counsellor). 

Let us be here for you, and keep posting, ranting, and saying what you need to say.....

All my love, 

MM xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Jackie

I just wanted to add my welcome and say that I'm sorry for all that you have been through.

Hang around, there's loads of lovely ladies on this board who'll be able to help you through this.

flipper


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

jackie sweetheart

Just wanted to add that I am glad you found the courage within you to post here.

I, like yourself have lost both of my parents. My mum has been gone now for 4 years, in the midst of our IVF treatment and she would have dearly loved to have been a grandmother. I'm not necessarily a religious person but I believe that wherever in the universe my mum is she is looking after my babies.

Loss is loss, no matter where the source is from and I think you have had more than your share of heartache hon. All I can say to you is take your time to allow your grief to surface - grief takes however long it has to take, there is no time limit on it. Don't be hard on yourself for the things you feel you have put yourself through with this last treatment - its something I think you will find a lot of us have done. I know when I lost my mum and a baby not so many months after I felt driven to attempt one more shot at IVF once again - I know how tempting that dangling carrot can be. I think I was desperately trying to recreate the family unit I felt I had lost. Sorry if this has come out all wrong, I can't really think of a better way to phrase my words this evening.

Sending you much love and hoping it has helped you getting all of this off your chest a wee bit.

Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Jackie,

I have found your post in the early hours, so I am sorry to be brief. My heart goes out to you especially as your infertility grief comes at the same time as grief for your parents. It is so cruel to have to deal with both at the same time.

As the others have said, we are here for you.

Love 

Jq xxx


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## redmond (Jun 29, 2006)

Hi All,
Just wanted to thank everyone for there kind replies.  It really helps being able to put down my feelings and not feeling guilt about being too negative or miserable.  I've had a hard week and am feeling very low today but wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to offer me such lovely words of support.


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Jackie

I am so sorry you have had such an incredibly rough time. So much loss in such a short time, no wonder you are in pain.

If you can take time out, then I would recommend it. You need to grieve, and if you are unable to give yourself the time and space to start the process, it will catch up with you anyway at some point. I always remember bursting into tears at work some weeks after my first m/c. I went straight back to the office because I wanted to bury myself in something. I thought that it would just go away if I didn't think about it  

Be kind to yourself and keep on posting your thoughts and feelings - we are all here to support you,



Take care,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx


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