# Christening quandary



## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

It was my (now) god-daughter's christening on Sunday. I enjoyed it and managed to forget about the fact that I wont have a daughter or son to christen for a couple of hours. And then her Aunt (my friend's older sister) who I have never met before came over to me and started asking me about how I was coping with being childless and had I thought of approaching the NCT for support. I hadnt even said anything to her apart from 'Hello' at this point. She then started making noises about fostering. I was speechless, then found myself 'yet again' having to explain about how it wasn't the only thing in life I had ever wanted to do and that we (DH and I) were doing lots of things together and that we seemed to be coping OK. I was cross all day yesterday because of it (Monday), and I still am to be honest. I know these situations get discussed in families etc.. (with the usual 'thank goodness it's not me' slant) and I am not angry with my friend in the least. But how can someone think they are helping by doing this sort of thing? Has anyone else had this from a complete stranger (except by association). And what can I say next time I see her (no doubt it will happen at family events like birthdays) apart from very rudely telling her where to get off and mind her own business. Sorry to rant, I just found it so thoughtless.


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Helen

Firstly well done for getting through the Christening, it's a challenge and it sounds like you acquitted yourself extremely well.

As for your friend's older sister, words fail me. To be cross is a magnificent gesture in understatement, I would be incandescent in your position. How _dare_ this woman be so damned impertinent? As for the next time you see her I'd go with your instinct and tell her _precisely_ were to get off in the most unchild friendly language that springs to mind! And to suggest approaching the NCT is so ridiculous as to be unworthy of comment.

I think you're incredibly generous and understanding at not being narked with your friend and good for you, your friend has obviously chosen an excellent god mother for her child.

Anyway, no doubt there are others who will join me in support of you on this so I'll get off my high horse on your account and go to bed.

flipper


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Helen and All

I'm normally a lurker here but felt so incensed for you about this that I felt compelled to offer my support  

I am continually appalled by some peoples distinct lack of tact and thought - it beggars belief !! Why did this woman think she had a right to openly discuss your private, sensitive and personal heartache in such a casual way ?? 

I recently found out that my birth mother ( thats another story!) has been telling anyone who will listen about our "troubles" - (I had confided in her last christmas in the spirit of moving on and letting bygones be bygones) - ha! and .... on top of that had discussions with people about how to tell me my half-sister was pg (I already knew from someone else) - unable to come up with a way to tell me they said nothing and 6 months on I got a birthday card saying " and bump!!" don't you just cringe at that !!!!

I hit the roof and needless to say they have been taken off my christmas card list !!!

I have also recently had to school my BF about the sensitivities of this subject (she admitted that she discussed it with her sister - who I like and know well so not such a biggie - but all the same .....) Now she has become my little champion and fields away Q's and defends my honour !!! Bless!!

It's hard to know what to say to people when you don't know how to feel or what to do yourself isn't it ?

I've really waffled and I'm sorry, I just wanted to share my support and my story a bit.

.... going now!


Love,
TLZ x


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Thanks for your words of wisdom, it has made me feel more human for thinking it was completely out of order. 

I am still extremely upset though, it just seems to have ruined my week now and I have been very short-tempered with everyone since.  Mainly because it has made me feel like a complete failure all over again. I just want to scream to get my frustration out. Maybe Step class at 7 will help a bit


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

My goodness Helen, I am absolutely furious on your behalf!

How *dare* this person dredge up deeply personal issues regarding you and your other half at a very public function, how callous of her to disregard your privacy, your emotions? What gives her the right to force her opinons down your throat at the very first meeting of you - its not like she has taken time out to try and get to know you off her own back, she only knows you through association for heavens sake! Argh! Sorry, I am incredibly angry for you having to suffer this dreadful woman and her 'advice' for want of a better word!

I am really fired up by your post because I have lost count of the amount of times I have been subjected to unwanted scrutiny or advice or opinions etc by people whom I barely know - usually they are completely clueless about IF, why does this make them a master of the subject I wonder?  I have had much satisfaction putting them in their place though!

The best thing I ever did for myself to stop Joe Bloggs and the whole of Nosey Parkerdom having an opinion on my IF that they felt the need to share/bestow their 'advice' with me was to tell them in no uncertain terms that it was none of their business and that it was a subject that was not open for discussion with them, not now, not ever - this can be said in a very firm but polite way without causing a scene or letting your emotions get the better of you. There is no harm in being proactive and saying your piece to anyone who tries to shove their unwanted advice and opinons down your throat hon.

Can I add that I want to take my hat off to you for being so calm and collected with the nosey mare and stating your piece when you must have felt a multitude of emotions - that was an amazing thing to do and you have my heartfelt admiration!

I don't know your history sweetie, but I wanted to tell you that you have no need to feel a failure in any of this - the failing here is on the silly mare with the runaway mouth - argh!  Why can't some people just learn to ZIP IT 

If polite fails when you next meet this person perhaps some good old fashioned expletives ending in the 'off' word with a cursory 'mind your own business, who the **** do you think you are' works a treat as well... sorry if this offends! Its my way of coping with the morons who try and shove stuff like this down your throat 

Just an aside here, have you broached the subject with your friend at all? Maybe it would help you to get some 'closure' through talking this through with her, after all she knows the aunty with the runaway gob - perhaps chatting about it to her could give you a different slant on things? You sound like such a lovely friend to have around hon.

TLZ, glad you felt you could share with us, am not surprised those people are off your christmas card list! Scream!

The world is full of raving loonies spouting nonsensical blabberings it would seem...

Love to all
Emcee xxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Helen, I started writing a reply to you, but I was just so dumb struck on your behalf that I didn't know what to say! 

Also, I didn't know what NCT meant - so I googled it... WTF!!!!!!!!!! 

I mean, seriously, WTF?? Did I get the right link? The National Childbirth Trust, right?? I didn't make a mistake, did I I didn't miss the National Childless-not-by-choice Trust, did I?

In the name of research, I clicked onto the site. I mean, they probably have a whole secion about infertility, right? No. Their mission statement is something like this:

"We are the leading charity for pregnancy, birth and parenting in the UK. We aim to put as many photographs of heavily pregnant women wearing crop tops as humanly possible on our website. Our mission is to promote the rights of parents and to educate societly to this effect, even though parents are already seen as god-like by most people, and we've already shoved disabled car parking spaces to the far end of most supermarket car parks so that parents with babies don't have to push their buggies more than 20 yards to the store"

OK, that may not be verbatim what they said, but its what I read. 

Wow. I'm so angry with this woman! I did type out what I thought you should say to this woman the next time you see her, but it was _really _ rude, and I thought you could probably pretty much imagine what it was, so I deleted it!!!! 

xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

LOL emmag! I hated the NCT even when I was pregnant - some holier than thou woman told me it was 'better' not to have drugs during the birth (yeah - right!?) Oh, if she only knew what happened - when I gave birth to Grace I was on Morphine, yes Morphine! (ahahahaha mad yowl of laughter!!) Admittedly the circumstances were somewhat different to what the NCT woman was referring, but what the hell...

Helen - I too am gob-smacked by this woman talking to you so casually about something so deeply personal and NONE OF HER BUSINESS. What can I say - people, they can be so crass. Sorry she upset you, but you must remember that some people are, um, how shall I put it, 'emotionally challenged'. They just don't realise how hurtful they are. In fact she probably thinks she was doing you a favour. Got to pity her...
Bernie xxooxx


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Bernie, not only is she emotionally challenged, she had the worst case of 'tiger' hair I have seen in years, I would have instigated proceedings if my hairdresser did that to me. And by the looks of her, she has never been anywhere near a step class or anything similar. Miaow. 

I know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but I can't think of anything else at the moment that would be fitting.

Thanks everyone for your views and support. Like just about everyone else on here I get fed up of all the   we have to put up with, it's difficult to know what to do sometimes in situtations to avoid being branded as one of those 'overemotional women who never recovered from not having children'. It's lovely to receive empathy/sympathy from people but the pity, knowing glances and behind the back gossip stink.

Anyway, I will watch 10 yrs younger tonight with a large glass of vino and be happy that I havent lost 12 st in the past year and need to go on the telly to do something about it.


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