# Not Sure Where I fit



## Guest (Aug 16, 2010)

Hi,

I joined a week or so ago, after feeling at a loss where to turn for advice & support.  I was feeling especially down as my husband's best friend is expecting & felt the blow quite badly as we were married in the same year.

So, I am sat here tonight after stupidly watching one of those baby docs on Living & driving myself to tears.  I should be grateful as I have 2 happy & healthy children from a previous r'ship, which I count my blessings for everyday, yet so far me & my DH have not been so lucky, which I blame myself for.  You see,  my mother has spent most of her life trying to destroy mine.  It all arrived at a precipice, when I had an etopic pregnancy & my mother advised that I should go for a sterilisation so that this never happens to me again. I can't even explain why I was convinced my her, but I was & went through with the op.  I regretted my decison instantly &  had only been sterilised with clips, so was able to have it reversed pretty easily.  Maybe it was Karma or something but the op wasn't the amazing success I hoped it would be- only a small amount of dye passed through & a prob could not be passed down the tube.

Anyhow, I am now in the process of heading into IVF, but feel somehow unworthy, yes I think that is the right word perhaps, as most ladies on here did not have a say in their condition, yet I willingly threw it all away.  I suppose this is the hardest & toughest lesson of my life. I would love to hope that no one on here is in the same situation, but if you are then I would love to hear your story. x


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## diamond55 (May 26, 2010)

Hi there,
My situation isn't the same as yours but as with everyone on here the heartache is the same.
It sounds as if your mum was trying to help, although sterilisation was pretty extreme, as she was scared that you had endured the pain and heartbreak of the ectopic. I guess as a mum you try to protect your child however you can.
I have a daughter who is now 12 and has always been desparate for a sibling.  A few weeks ago we discovered I had conceived naturally and had 2 joyous weeks of enjoying it before a hideous week last week when we found out it was ectopic and then the pain of the op to remove it as it had ruptured. Explaining that to my daughter was as hard to deal with as hearing the news myself. 
I too feel guilty as my fertility problems are due to a chlamydia infection many years ago which although treated left such severe scarring on my tubes that my chance of conceiving were put as almost none. But no matter how much you want to you can't change the past, the only option is to deal with the future as best you can.
I don't often post on here, just reading the posts helps remind me that there is support out there and that my situation could be far worse. Hopefully on here you will find the support and friends you need to help you.
Anyway I've rambled more than I meant to but just know that you aren't alone and that just writing things down here can help. People have no clue what this all feels like unless they've been affected in some way by infertility so try not to dwell on it all. 
This probably hasn't helped at all, but at least you know someone is thinking of you
xx


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## Guest (Aug 17, 2010)

Hi,

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and it means a lot to know that someone has taken that time to do so. I would like to hope my mother had my best interests at heart, yet it would be very hard to know, as I truly believe she is a deeply disturbed woman.  In this life, we do not have to ability to change previous decisions & yes, some decisions can be heart breaking, but it is the going forward that is important.  Etopic pregnancies are devestating & difficult to understand when they happen.  I really hope that things work out for us some day & I absolutely believe that what is meant for us can not pass us by.  xxx


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## honeypinkblonde (Jun 3, 2009)

just wanted to tell you its not your fault,we all have things we feel bad for-mines drinking to much-you do what seems right.no one will think bad of you we all understand the longing to carry a child.i also have 2children and have been made to feel bad that i have children and want another.i nearly died with my son,i'm 29 and i want more children,i shouldnt feel bad for that,
my mum does not want me to have more kids as i nearly died with my ds i cannot talk to her or anyone really.mums just try to protect i think.we're looking at ivf to it seems so stressful.i wish you luck and peace x


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## mrsdoris (Aug 1, 2010)

Hi 
I didnt want to just read and run and only found your post by accident.  Your post really touched me on lots of accounts.  I too have 3 children from my previous marriage.  My children have been amazing throughout a difficult and violent marriage to a man much older than me.  I was 19 and he was 36 (he had also been previously married with 2 children).  Upon reflection I just kept having my beautiful babies as a way of holding my marriage together, something I dont regret but also feel incredibly guilty about.  Anyway to cut a very long story short (I know I have rambled way too much and need to get to the point) I met a wonderful man 6 years ago after my v messy divorce who has since been my 'rock'.  We are due to get married next year and he adores my 3 children who are now 15,13, & 11 but we are desperate to complete 'our family'.  I too feel incredibly guilty and greedy that I have already got 3 wonderful children when I have read so many stories that have reduced me to tears with ladies that deserve their chance at Motherhood.  I too have no relationship with my Mother or Father for various reasons but she thinks it utterly ridiculous at my age to even consider having another baby!.  We have been ttc for just over 2 years now and feel v lucky to have been referred to UCH RMU for 3 cycles of IUI on the NHS.  My DP has been diagnosed with low SA after an initial diagnosis of zero sperm! (v emotional times) and I have just had my baseline and HSG scan which they said was all clear.  So fingers crossed I may be able to give this wonderful man who utterly deserves the chance to be a Daddy.  I know my situation is different from yours but I honestly dont believe that you have done anything wrong. I really wish you a successful journey with your IVF and am praying for a BFP for you.  Everybody deserves second chances and I agree with you when you say that 'what will be will be'.  I am a great believer in fate.  I hope that my post has helped in some small way ( I actually think it has been really helpful to me too as this is the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about the way I have felt!!) and hopefully we can chat more if you wanted to? 
This site is amazing - there is always someone somewhere in a similar situation to yourself.  
Keep strong 
Marina xx 
Ps I have written way too much....apologies


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## diamond55 (May 26, 2010)

Readings these posts it is clear to me that we are all beating ourselves up over things that are done and we can't change them. I really believe that my DP and I are going through this to make us appreciate the life we have, my DD and when (hopefully) our baby comes we will be more grateful having been through this than we would've been otherwise. It feels like a tough lesson now but I do believe that it is strengthening our relationship and teaching us patience (which neither of us have much of!). I also think we have a hectic lifestyle at the moment and by me getting several weeks signed off sick that was the way to show me I needed to slow down a bit and give my ody the time to heal mentally and physially which I wouldn't have done if I hadn't been signed off. The important thing for us all is to learn the lesson that we needed to learn and move forwards. If things are meant to be then one way or another we will make it happen. 
Sorry for rambling on - feels so good on here to let it all out when you can't bore others with all this when they don't really understand or maybe don't want to hear it.

Interesting thought - fantastic as my DP is, I doubt most men would be nearly as hard on themselves as we all are...?!


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## beckybella (Aug 17, 2010)

hi

do you mind if i join in this chat i just wanted to put my story out there hope you dont mind??

we have  a ds who is 4 years old concieved naturally no problems and tryed to concieve for the last 2 years  for a sibling and in the last year we have suffered 2 eptopics and lost both my tubes   hurts so much and my world was devasted hated myself for not being grateful for having my ds which i am  sooo soo grateful but still longed for a sibling for him.i know exactly how you feel.

so we decided the next option was ivf  and i started my drugs 5 days ago for down regging we have a long journey ahead and i hope light at the end of the tunnel eventually fingers crossed  and i hope all of your dreams come true all the best for everyone  

love becs


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## mrsdoris (Aug 1, 2010)

Hi Becs, 
I think it helps so much to write down exactly how you feel.....just knowing you can say it how it really is without any judgement means such alot.

My Dp is just amazing but sometimes even I find it hard to tell him exactly how I am feeling but writing it down on here really helps and everyone is always so kind.  You are so brave and have been on such a journey already and I am honestly wishing you every success in your current tx for your BFP.    

Diamond55 I absolutely agree with you that our DP/DH would never be this hard on themselves......


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## squidgely (Oct 30, 2009)

Becs,

I am in nearly the same situation as you.  I have a 7 year old dd conceived naturally.  I have also started down regging (busereline) 6 days ago.  I  had an actopic 2 years ago and had a tube removed.  I absolutely love my dd but i also really want a sibling for and another child for me and my dh.  Until recently my dd asked regalarly for a brother or sister.  When she meets new children the 1st thing she asks them is if they have a brother/sister.  If they haven't she tells  me "they are like me".  I didn't realise what she meant the 1st time until she told me.  Her 3 best friends are also only children.  I have now told her maybe I will have a baby one day but maybe i wont.  I would love more than anything to tell her one way or the other.


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## beckybella (Aug 17, 2010)

thanks for both replys we should stay in touch weird we started same day on day 10 on dr no symptoms yet just tired!  

i have my scan due on 8th sept but no period yet!!

your right it feels so much better to get it out there and so shockin that soo many of us are in the same boat ectopics are such a nasty thing to go through i wouldnt wish it on anybody i feel strong enough to go through ivf now and i pray it works but if it doesnt i will keep going until it does for my little boy if nothing else!!!   


all the best for you all and thanks for your replies  think positive whenever you can xxxxxx


love becs let me know how your ivf goes squidgely??!!


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## dyellowcar (Jul 26, 2010)

Hi,
Can I join this thread?
I've 3 DS from a previous relationship conceived naturally, and love them to bits. My DP and I have been TTc for 2 and half years and not been successful. He doesn't have any little ones, and we would love to have to have one together.

I am currently on my first cycle of IVF, been for my scan today and have 6 follies growing nicely. Not sure when EC will be yet. I did join the cycle buddies for Aug/Sept but it seemed that most (not all) had no children and I felt out of place.

I just wanted to join this thread cos altho we've have been lucky to have DS/DD before, we still go thru all the same emotions and want it the same.

XXX


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## mrsdoris (Aug 1, 2010)

Hi dyellowcar and a huge welcome to this thread.  I am in almost exactly the same situation as yourself.  I have 3 DD/DS/DD from my previous relationship and have also been ttc with my DP (soon to be DH) for over 2.5 years.  My DP has no children of his own and we would love to 'complete' our little family.  I totally agree with you that I have questioned my place on this forum many times and I feel fraudulent that I am so so lucky to have my 3 albeit v big babies now and some of the lovely ladies are struggling so badly but at the same time I also feel the need for support and understanding as we begin our tx with IUI.  Fingers crossed after our appt on Oct 4th.  We have had so many emotional ups and downs already (my DP was initially misdiagnosed with 0% sperm   but further investigations proved he DOES have some just not as many as 'normal' ) but feel we are strong enough to go on this journey and my DP really does deserve the chance to be a Daddy as much as anyone else.  

I really wish you all the best for your first cycle of IVF - it sounds like its going fab with 6 follies growing beautifully and I am certain everybody on here will support you during your EC/ET and 2ww. I am sending you lots of    and   for your BFP! 

I know I cannot wait to start my tx it seems to have taken forever to get to this point - we have only told a few close friends/family as even now I cannot explain my overwhelming desire and heart ache at not being able to conceive with the man I adore and want to spend the rest of my life with especially as people make me feel guilty for already having 3 healthy children.  

Anyway I have waffled enough........Glad you're on here  
Marina x


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## diamond55 (May 26, 2010)

Hi all,
dyellowcar - welcome! Sounds like you are having a good start with your treatment. I will keep me fingers crossed for you  
It's great to support each other as although having kids already is fantastic, there is a difference for our DH/DPs between that (however fantastic they may be) and having their own. My DP and DD took a long time to get used to each other, my DP struggled particularly as I think he expected to love her very quickly but it took an awful long time to develop. Anyhow having a baby with him means the world to me and I am trying to be patient before we can start our tx, however he is still reluctant to proceed with IVF so I need to keep working on him!
Marina - Of course you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a baby with your DP. Great to hear the sperm problem isn't so much of a problem after all.
Love and hugs xx


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## dyellowcar (Jul 26, 2010)

Hi again,

Thanks for the support. I'm currently day 11 of stimms on a long protocol. Swinging between positive thoughts and low worries.

*Marinapayne* - you put everything so well!! You echo exactly how I've felt about My DP having the right to become a Daddy. And also about the heartache involved in trying and trying but no luck with a man you adore. My DP originally was diagnosed low motility, but last sample was top dollar! (He started smoking again and now believes the improvement was from this! lol)

Diamond55 - thank you for your kind words. I agree that we shouldn't feel guilty about wanting a baby with DP.

beckybella - has your AF arrived yet? Mine was 2 days late on buserilin.

Love to all and thanks for letting me 'Fit in'

XXX


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## beckybella (Aug 17, 2010)

hi dyellowcar


sorry havent been on for a while 

yes my af arrived thank god!!! 2 days late aswell so im all ready hopefully for the scan in 2 days time!! to see if bursilien has worked i hope it has just a quick question do you feel better when you go onto stimming injections i feel like a zombie at the mo!!ha ha!!  

really hope this works for you sounds like your doing well  


firstly never ever feel guilty about having children, and secondly it WILL happen again for you and your partner  just might take a little longer this is how i look at it,think  postively  


keep us imformed it should be very near your ec soon so good luck!!!!!!

love becsxxxxxx


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## Guest (Sep 22, 2010)

Hi,

firstly, I must say that I am so touched by your replies.  It is sadly amazing that there are quite a few of us out there with similar stories.

I think it is important to not blame yourself, other ppl, or circumstances. I have often lamented at length about my mum....and yes perhaps there is an element of her wanting to protect me etc but it is very hard to understand her motives, especially in lieu of what I know now.  Before my wedding she declared that she has weeks to live etc......but honestly, that is past & I have recognised that is a place I have no control over.  We  can only make a difference to now & what is ahead.  

So..... anyhow we managed to have a fab family holiday together last month, I have been working on hating my DH friend re his wife expecting & have come to the conclusion that it is their time, just as it was mine & hopefully will be again.  We have an appointment at a clinic on Monday, & will go from there. Tbh I am now feeling optimistic, as it is only my tubes that are mashed lol & it is a case of getting my egg & DH's sperm together.  I have always got pregnant v quick so I think it is possible that this will work.  

I think going through Ivf or any treatment makes you experience the whole spectrum of emotions & question  EVERYTHING! All I can say is just stay positive & remember your dream. Past is past & I want to enjoy the journey....just as ttc naturally is exciting so is this as it is about creating your child but just in a different way. Hahah perhaps this makes no sense at all, I don't know, but it feels like it is heading in the right direction. xxx


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