# Fostering Thread



## Mamaji

Hiya!!!

I made an initial enquiry to a fostering agency spontaneously the other day... they phoned me back the next day and I had an amazing conversation with the woman.  Strange... turned out that her sister in law trained me in first aid, at work a few years ago so the conversation was so relaxed and natural.  We are interested in permanent fostering for two siblings ---- I have been off work with depression since the end of January and have just started back at work.  It's only the beginning of me starting to have happy feelings again ... but its a start and we have made a positive step towards our family.  I thought I would start this thread just to make it all real!!!!!!

Aaaaaah, just think this time next year we could have two children in our lives ......... sooooo excited!!!

love to all

Nic x


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## panorama

Good luck with the training, I must admit I so admire foster carers, those children will be very lucky to have you!


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## Guest

Hope all goes well.

We started out as foster carers and found it very rewarding - if hard work.

Bop


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## Babytears

Hi starbaby,

We are also looking to go down the foster care route. We had our home visit just before our last round of ivf because we were going to foster with or without our own baby. Obviously it's without now but have to wait to get over our last failed ivf. We said we would like long term siblings but she insisted on putting down short term care to! We also would like teenagers. I would hate to have a young vulnerable child that had to go back to an unhappy situation. A teenager has a voice and will be out in the big wide world before long and i would love to prepare them for that. So she put any age down?! I'm going to ring up in 4 months time and ask if we can go on the skills to foster workshop that you have to do. Think it's a 4 day course. 

Maybe I'm going with the wrong agency?! Good luck with it all!!

Xx


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## Hobbs

Hello

we are at the same stage as yourselves, though we have gone through social servicesrather than a fostering agency (not sure there is much difference), just wanted to wish you luck

Hobbs


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## Mamaji

Thanks for all your replies, it helped to make it all feel real!!!

Well round two coming up...... we sent off the request for an initial visit with social worker.  I spoke to her today and she sounded really nice.  She will be coming with another social worker to meet us next wednesday.  I finished the phone call and thought I was going to throw up    My stomach was churning so much and I wanted to burst into tears but couldnt as I was at work.  I just had this feeling of hope and anticipation that children could be in our lives soon.  Then it was quickly followed by all sorts of fears and insecurities ... my head went something like this "oh my god what have I done!!! What if they think we are not good enough, what if they judge me as not having grieved properly over not being able to go forward with treatment to have my own baby ...... have I grieved properly or am I just fooling myself that I am ready ..... what if I cry when they ask me about infertility....... is that a good thing or bad thing..... oh no I'm still on the antidepressants .... must stop them ... depression might stop me fostering ..... there again through the depression and infertility grieving process I have learned what it truly feels like to experience deep heart wrenching loss... any child requiring foster care will need someone in their life who understands loss and understands that only through loss can we truly understand love as they co-exist as two halves of the one whole"  Then my head popped into positive mode "I will be an amazing foster mummy, I have endless amounts of love, patience and creativity inside me.  If I see rain drops running down a window and if there is a child near me I can spontaneously make up a game involving the rain drops and stimulate the child's imagination.  If a child throws a tantrum I can usually see through to the reason why....... oh please let it happen"  


All these thoughts flew through my head in about 30 seconds then my manager came into the room as I was sitting staring into space trying not to cry.  Now I feel mixture of fear and excitement but at same time there is still this nagging thing going on inside me heart asking why I have to go through a huge assessment process to judge whether or not I am suitable to be responsible for a child ... when there are so many women out there that pop babies out without a minutes thought who do not have to be assessed and who are not necessarily able to be a responsible parent!!!

Are all these feelings normal?  Think I need a bath to relax and wind down


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## Guest

Hi Starbaby

Just a quick post to say your thoughts and feelings are completely normal - you are bound to fluctuate between anxiety and excitement.

Hope all goes well next week and you soon have littlies at home.

Bop


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## Babytears

Starbaby your feelings are totally normal as mine are similar. I so hope we get through the process, get to panel and be excepted. Really don't know what we would do if we get rejected. We don't have any obvious reasons to be, just paranoia I guess and the unknown. 

Hobbs we are going through an agency. The reason being quite simply is money as cold as it sounds. We simply can't afford to go down the LA route. Saying this though you are guaranteed placements so I've heard. LA only go to agency's if they can't place the children themselves, so I am worried that we won't be able to pay the mortgage and bills in-between visits. 

I contacted our agency and we will be put forward to do the skills to foster course September time, maybe sooner if we go to Kent. Just waiting to hear. 

In the meantime I am putting together notes on my life, my work past and thinking about my 3 referees. Need to get my oh to do the same. 

Good luck to all xx


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## Mamaji

Hiya Hobbs, Bop, Babytears, Panorama

Babytears: Fab news that you will be on the course in September - woo hoo jumping up and down all excited for you   

Hobbs: Hopefully you will hear when you can move to the next stage  

Bop: Noticed the ages of your wee ones, we have always been clear that we wanted a minimum of 2.  I noticed that you started as foster carer and had 3, must say this appeals to me but DH is thinking it could be too much.  How did you find it? 

Panorama: Thanks for your good wishes  

We had our meeting with the social workers on wednesday.  It was full of mixed feelings because the night before we got a phone call about 2am to tell us that my step son had slit his wrists because he had split up with his girlfriend.  He was in hospital (thankfully with a superficial cut) and would be there overnight, he is okay and will be coming to live with us in a few days.  None of us slept at all and I had to be up for work at 6am.  I threw myself into work all day but was a bit spaced out because of lack of sleep.  I couldnt feel any excitement about the meeting, felt really flat as I left work.  Then I got in my car, closed my eyes and pictured my house with the sound of children and a wave of motivation came over me.

The sun was shining the whole way home, I put music on and sang my heart out to get motivated (windows down - I felt sorry for anyone parked next to me as I am tone deaf  )

The social workers were really nice and had a relaxed air about them, I had to giggle because my two cats came in and sat on top of them both, looking up adoringly at them.  Luckily they were both cat lovers.  I was secretly thinking "keep going boys, win them over for me".

They asked us lots of questions, I told them about infertility, depression, anti-depressants, being off work etc and was shocked that I rattled it off with no emotion attached... not because I was stifling it but because it genuinely wasnt there.  I never ever ever ever thought I would get to the stage where I could sit in front of strangers and admit that I cant have children.... but I did ....and it felt empowering!!!!  They had a look around the house and said that if accepted the training course would be 27 August.  They phoned my DH the next day and said they thought we had a huge amount of experience to offer to foster children and agreed to proceed woo hoo!!!!

However my DH and his warped sense of humour ....... he sent me a text message at work at 3.00pm the day after the meeting saying "social workers been on the phone bad news I'm afraid honey".  I looked at the message quickly and swallowed hard trying not to cry as I had to work until 6.00pm.  I dont really remember those 3 hours, it felt like my heart had stopped!

I left work and started howling like a baby in my car, then I was screaming in anger, then crying again, felt like my heart was going to explode.  Then I stopped at traffic lights and my DH sent me another message "heh honey its such bad news because you have an application form to fill in we have been accepted".  I sat still at the traffic lights whilst they changed 3 times (luckily no traffic on the road).  I felt completely numb, couldnt believe that he had thought I would be able to take his initial message as a joke, that he didnt understand how sensitive I am.  Got home and there he was with a bottle of wine and two glasses ready to celebrate.  He was soooo happy I didnt have the heart to give him a hard time.  I did say to him that he shouldnt have done it.... he said that he just didnt think .... he said he was so excited that he just wanted to be mischevious (still a big kid at heart!).  He has been warned .. no more warped messages as I am likely to get more anxious as the process goes forward.

I soooo cant wait to get started!!!!!!

good luck everyone .... hopefully our journeys will stay in synch and we can hold onto each other through the excitement, anxiousness, paranoia and success 

Nic x


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## Mamaji

Hiya!

Got a phone call this wk from fostering agency telling us the dates they have booked us on for the initial training.  We were so excited, especially as we hadnt even sent in the application form.  They said that they were really impressed with us at the initial home visit and are keen to get us started.  How amazing is that!!!!!!!!!!

After a really crap wk at work I thought I would phone my mum to tell her this great news ....... how wrong could I be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me: "guess what mum the fostering agency have booked us for training before we have even given them the application form, they must really want us to do it"

mum: "oh that's nice.  I'm just about to go and pick up your two nieces to look after for the day, your sister deserves a break from the kids.  Oh and did I tell you that we bought a new mirror to finish off the newly decorated living room"  What the F**K!!!!!!!!! 

"Oh that's nice"  that's what she said!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry rant alert but I really need to get this out of my system or I will go nuts!!!!! Rewind back 5 years to the first time my sister got pregnant and telling my mum about it.  There was the secret phone call to me from my sister telling me she had just done a pregnancy test and could I keep the secret from my mum for a day or two.  Fast forward a few days to my mum and dad being invited to my sisters and me too ... sister telling my mum and dad .... lots of screaming with happiness, tears of joy, alcohol flowing, out for a celebration meal.  Followed by mum getting excited at every tiny update that my sister gave her.

Mmmmm then its my turn ...... well as close as I will ever fecking get to it.  Confirmation that we are allowed to progress, to make the next step to having children in our lives.  Me and DH had been consoling ourself and playing mind games by saying that this is almost like being at the stage where I have just done a pregnancy test, followed by blood tests which confirm that I am pregnant.  Phoning my mum ... in my own  head was almost like that moment.... telling her that it is real.... we are one step closer to having the joy of children.... being able to give a loving, supportive, caring life for children who have had a really difficult early start to their lives.  And what do I get "oh that's nice"  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so mad I feel like I could smash everything up around me!!!!!!!!!! No excitement for me, no celebration drink, no celebratory meal, no anticipation of the next step ... "oh thats nice"!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry I know I am repeating myself but cant help it, am so angry and hurt at the same time!!!!!

I got off the phone and felt like I had been run over.  DH tried making excuses for her, he said that they had been talking a few weeks ago and apparently she is concerned that I am starting the process too early, that she thinks I am "too fragile".  In October it will be a year since we made the decision that we could not afford treatment and would progress in another way - ie fostering.  It has been really difficult, at times I didnt think i would ever find the real me again the grief was so intense.  But I have found me again, I have begun to be happy again, I have regained my own worth and just how much I have to give and that I want to give all of me to supporting children.  I am ready to go ahead...... I am not ready to hear "oh that's nice".  It made me feel so inadequate, it made me realise all the reactions I have dreamed of my mum having with me will never happen.  It brought back the grief .... was it ever gone?? I dont think it will ever go ..... my gran died 5 years ago and i still I have moments of sadness and missing her .... its a process it doesnt just get a full stop put at the end and then baddabing everything is hunkydory ..... it takes time. 

I have had to control myself all day from phoning her back and ranting and raving.  I havent done it.....DH stopped me.  He keeps saying... she is only worried about you, she is worried that it is too early.  My response to that is to rant!!! The whole process takes a minimum of 6 mths then more time after that to match up with children.  DH is 48, we dont want to wait any longer, he wants to be young enough to be able to give the kids enough energy and enthusiasm.  I have been ready to have children in my life forever ..... I cant wait any longer.

I rant and then waves of intense sadness come over me  I am the oldest child, always dreamed of how it would be between me and mum when i had children.  Never ever thought the response I would get would be "oh thats nice".  Makes me feel like such a failure!!!!!!!!!

Cant stop crying now that i have typed all this  I feel sooo hurt that she doesnt understand how much it means to me and that this is our only option.  DH could lose his job on 28th July so money will not be plentiful ..... fostering is a way to put my professional skills of 11 years into practice, a way to earn a living and be paid for the immense privilige of having children in our lives!!! I think I need to curl up in bed and have a good cry


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## LJyorkshire

Oh star baby.. Just came across your post and wanted ton give you I big  

You will make a fantastic foster-mommy to some very lucky kids. I suspect your Mum wants to have a heart to heart with you to check you are certain about the fostering...she may not be able to get excited till she's done that. Why don't you arrange a coffee with her and try and tell her how much you need her support and how hurt you felt without having a huge row


Good luck Hun

LJ x


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## Guest

starbaby said:


> Bop: Noticed the ages of your wee ones, we have always been clear that we wanted a minimum of 2. I noticed that you started as foster carer and had 3, must say this appeals to me but DH is thinking it could be too much. How did you find it?


Hi

Sorry not to reply sooner - I've been away for a couple of weeks on holiday!

We did start out as respite foster carers - approved for two children! We did a few lots for different kids before ours came for a one-off weekend - we weren't approved for three but their fc were desperate for a break and no-one else could take them. At that stage we never expected to see them again, but 6 weeks later, fc were struggling again, then we ahd them for a week at New Year......and so it continued. We reached the end of our IF journey and they needed a new permanent family, so we went for it. We certainly never planned three.

It was hard - especially the first year, but I'm so glad we took them now.

In terms of your Mum, it is hard, but I'm afraid its all too common. My mum was the same with my sister and her birth kids, but was really negative with us and our kids and openly critical of them and us (in front of them) the day our Adoption Order was granted. Things have improved, but I still struggle with her differing attitude between her grandchildren. You just have to rise above it....Big ((hugs))

Good luck wth your journey - I'm sure you'll do a fab job.

Bop


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## Mamaji

Bop Ljyorkshire   thank you xxx

I need to get together with my mum to have a heart to heart, I had a brief conversation with her today but as soon as  I sensed her becoming uncomfortable/anxious I stopped talking.  I think she is full of her own fears about how she will cope with foster children coming into the family and is projecting her fears onto me.  I dont think she is coping with the thought of social workers asking her lots of questions.  Need to spend more time with her methinks and have good chat.

Anyway next stage coming up ........... PVG check, local authority check and medical forms came through yesterday ........... it's real .... it's really moving forward!!!!!!!! Woo hooo!!!!!!!!!!!  We were in Asda today and I got so excited looking at all the kids toys - thoughts of filling up paddling pools, games in the garden, picnics in the sun (she says hopefully .... mmmm Edinburgh weather dubious lol).  Checked for my formal methods of ID and to my horror DH whilst tidying has thrown out an envelope which contains my birth cert, marriage cert, driving license, SVQ/Management certificates   however my glass half full attitude kicked in and reminded me that all I need to do is contact Register House, DVLA and get duplicates.

The medical form made me feel insecure and nervous (still on 40mg prozac a day) must stop judging myself .... we have so much love and experience to give .... all will be well!!!

Bop thanks for sharing how you came to have your 3 wee angels - have to admit I could cope with 3 but not sure DH could    I have all these dreams of feeling like the pied piper of hamlin (only a good one) with lots of children around me dancing with happiness.  I dont lead them to rats (my grandad used to tell me the story when I was young) but I have dreams of leading children to feelings of happiness, self worth, confidence, acceptance, achievement, self belief, self love and appreciation .... to seeing their moments of sadness, joy, despair, fears, insecurities, anger and being a source of constant love to allow all of these emotions/experiences to be safely expressed.  I feel soooo ready


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## panorama

Starbaby - good luck with the process, I am so in awe of my son's foster mummy, you will make such a difference to children's lives!


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## AoC

Star, I realise I'm late to the party here, but I think you're absolutely right that a heart to heart with your Mum would be good.  In fact, if you can deliver it calmly, I'd recommend telling her how you felt just as you did to us - that bit about how it felt when your sister's news was celebrated, and how to you this is the same kind of announcement?  

Sometimes people don't understand.  Sometimes they CAN'T understand how we feel unless they've either gone through it themselves (and even then....) or we explain to them how we feel.

You communicated so well, so evocatively and effectively in that post about how you feel - it just struck me that maybe that's what your Mum needs to hear to understand.

And you're also right that she probably has her own fears and worries about inadequacies, and giving her a chance to explain them will help, too.

Just my tuppence.    

Bop, I'm so sorry your Mum gives you grief.  I just do not understand how divisive some people can be - when you look at all the Heinz 57 Varieties of the shapes and forms and types of families out there, why do people draw the line between biological and adoption.  Gah.  ((((hugs))))


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## Mamaji

Heeelllloooo!!! It is very late, I have got a tummy which resembles a washing machine churning round and round with nervous anxiety, I have just finished signing off medical forms for fostering application and trying to convince myself that I should really go to sleep.  Mmmmmm   Not sure I will   we have got our first training session at 9.30 on Saturday ..... aaaaaah 9.5 hours away ..... soooooo excited and nervous and scared and insecure and excited and ooooh my word every emotion buzzing around inside me.  Been obsessing about what to wear, first impressions and all that.  DH has been giggling at me "you are such a girly girl Nic" says he "you need to wear something that makes you feel confident and something that you feel yourself in".  He is soooo sweet that's all I needed to hear and then it was dead easy to select clothes, then I realised it wasnt even an issue - I think I needed an issue to be anxious about to stop me getting too anxious about the training course - I know I am indeed nuts    It is really happening, we are really properly starting the process!!!!!!!!! I saw my sister earlier and asked her for chocolate (hormones rising AF due in a few days) ... mmmmm she produced a huuuuge jar of all sorts of small bars of chocolate.  The first thing I thought was aha I can have one of these jars and make the excuse they are for the children that will be coming into our lives.  Sounds really silly but I filled up with tears, happy ones, at the thought of having little ones around.  I have got soooo much love to give and cant wait to get started!!!!!!!!!!! More tommorow ....................  thought I would write something quickly in case other feelings other than happiness arrive tommorow.  Counsellor warned me that with every step forward it reconfirms the fact that no biological children will be arriving and that can bring up more grief emotions - dont think I have any more tears left in me!!!!!!

love to everyone, need to read back tommorow and catch up

going to close my eyes tight and try to sleep .... one sheep, two sheep, three sheep lol xxxxxxxx Nic


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## Mamaji

AOC, Panorama, Bop, LJYorkshire, Babytears, Hobbs

Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom   I took advice and had a heart to heart with my mum which was quite hard to do in places.  I was determined to remain even toned and calm whilst at the same time helping her to understand how I feel and trying to find out how she is feeling.

Turns out she is very nervous about her own abilities to cope with whatever children may come into our lives and also desperately wants it to all work out for us.  She said that she is afraid that if she gives a "wrong answer" to the social workers that she could ruin it all for us.  When I started to understand her vulnerability it made it easier for me to see where she was coming from.  I tried as best I could to help her understand how this process is the closest I will ever get to having a child and how important having her support is to me.  She did come out with a cracker though which makes me giggle now .... but not at the time, she said and I quote "I dont think that its fair that you decided to go ahead with fostering without calling a meeting with myself, your dad, your sister and brother in law to see if we agreed with you going forward with it.  I think that was quite selfish of you and it made me feel really left out."  I had a very mysterious urge to kick out with my right leg in her direction (one which I managed to control)   I took a few breaths then asked her if my sister had called a family meeting to get permission to start trying for a baby ..... eh that will be a no..... I asked if she had an expectation that my sister should have done this .... eh that will be a no.....I asked her if she felt excited when told that my sister was pregnant - she said yes.  I asked her calmly why she did not show me excitement.  I had to swallow very hard on my tears, was determined to stay nice and calm.  She said that it is not guaranteed that I will get a child so she wont be excited until the day the child/children turn up to live with us.    Cue more deep breaths from me!!!! I asked mum if she thinks that a pregnancy is ever a guaranteed sure thing to result in a healthy baby being born .... she agreed no.  I asked if most people get excited when the pregnancy is announced or if they wait until the child is born.  She agreed that there is excitement at the beginning but then went on to say "but you are totally different, its not like you are pregnant".  I thought I was going to spontaneously combust .... oh cheers for pointing that one out mum, like I dont already know that.  More deep breathing, then I did my best to explain to her all the dreams I had had of telling her one day of being pregnant and not for a minute did I think that the closest I would get would be telling her that a social worker had agreed we could apply for assessment to be parents.  I dreamed about her patting my tummy, not her nodding approvingly when I tell her that the social worker was pleased with my knowledge on attachment theories!!!!  This part of the conversation seemed to hit home with her and her entire demeanour changed, she seemed to be starting to understand .  Since then she has been very attentive and I have been trying to involve her more.  We got a list of the questions last week that will come up through the assessment process, I was having a giggle with my mum about "house rules" that we had as children.  It was nice to reminisce and laugh together about having a bath every sunday night just before The Muppet Show came on and drying my hair beside the open coal fire.  I have a feeling that we have got through the difficult bit and it may bring us closer together.

We have been to two training sessions now, just got back from our second an hour ago .... my head is buzzing!!!  Last week was strange for me, everyone else there were parents and every 5 minutes someone would say "well when my children were small" or "we are all parents so this is not a new experience for us".  I was okay the first few times it was said, then when it was getting repeated again and again and again I started to feel really strange.  It was a bit like everyone else had been on a great night out and they were discussing details of it and I hadnt been there so could not join in the conversation.  I could feel myself withdrawing, feeling really different from everyone else as I have never been a biological mum, nor will ever be.  I was shocked at how much it rocked my confidence, I started to question myself in a negative way .... not good.  However this wk was totally different it was all about attachment theories, development stages - I have studied this lots for work and felt so confident, especially when the biological parents didnt seem to know anything about it   (I know a bit childish but couldnt help it).  As the day was progressing all the reasons why we will make good parents was being reinforced and now I feel sooooo happy, and impatient   I just want to get started!!!!!!!!!!!

Next training session in two weeks and to go for a medical too!!!!!!!!!!! Bring it on  

love Nic


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## Damelottie

Hello Nic

Heck, that must have been quite a difficult conversation to start/have with your mum   . Definitely sounds like it was worth having tho.   

Good luck with the rest of the process. Perfectly normal to have up and down sessions - feeling confident, then not confident, doubts, then no etc etc. Its all part of why the assessment and training are there.

I love the bath, and the muppets story    . Its lovely to remember those little things. They seem quite insignificant but then I think this process makes us all realise just how special and important they were.

Love

Lottie x


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## LJyorkshire

Nic - well done for sitting down and talking to you Mum..and sounds like you're making great progress on the course too..bet you're top of the class?!

LJ x


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## thespouses

That was very brave of you to talk to your mum like that.

I think if I were you I'd remind them gently when they say "we are all parents". We did fostering training (but then decided to adopt) and I don't think everyone was a parent, there were definitely two over-18 kids who would be in the house with fostered kids so had to do the training, for example. So no-one said this. But there was a huge session on diversity and respecting differences and it would be pretty important for foster carers to be able to do this - if they are dealing with a birth mother who's lost her husband in horrendous circumstances, they shouldn't be talking about how "we all know about happy marriages don't we"!!!


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## Mamaji

Hiya

I'm trying to giggle at this but at the same time there is a part of me crying inside.

I am on day 3 of AF, very heavy and painful, so hormones probably playing a part!! I saw my sister's two children yesterday (1 and 4).  I made cakes with the 4 year old, took them both to the park and had fun playing in the mud pretending to be Peppa Pig!  When I got home from the park my 1 year old niece was tired and wanted to cuddle up.  I snuggled her up to my chest and began rocking her back and forth, she let her body go floppy and I felt her melt into my chest.  About this time last year when I held her to my chest all I could feel was intense pain and grief, it was like being cut open without anaesthetic.  Lately when I hold her, it's a strange feeling but I will try to describe it.  It's almost like being a kangaroo and holding a baby joey in my pouch.  When I hold her it feels like she moulds into my heart .... it doesnt hurt like it used to ... it feels warm, loving, gentle, comforting, nurturing.  But also another feeling ... it is like I have been starving of hunger for years and when I hold her... I feel full up..... but I also have the feeling of not wanting to let her go.  I've felt this with my step grand-children too when they cuddle up to me .... an overwhelming feeling of love followed by me not wanting to ever let them go.  I worry about the feeling of not wanting to let them go, is this normal?  It is like a missing piece of the jigsaw inside me, when I feel the unconditional love of a child cuddling into me I feel complete, I feel normal, I feel maternal ..... then I remember that I wont ever give birth to my own child and the sadness returns.  

It's like it comes in cycles .. but with each cycle I know for sure that I am stronger.  with each cycle (usually my AF) I feel like I am letting go that bit more each time.  Until last night when I did something very strange!!!  My hubby and I had just gone to bed, he was exhausted and his eyes looked so sleepy and adorable.  He was lying on his side and I got this huge urge ... so I pulled his head to rest on my chest.  The next thing I noticed that I was shooshing him and patting his back like I had done with my niece earlier in the day    OMG!!!!  I was kissing the top of his head, patting his back and rocking his back and forth.  He was sooo exhausted that he didnt seem to notice and my shooshing put him to sleep    Once I noticed he was sleeping I continued shooshing him gently and patting his back .... I really thought I was losing the plot until the tears started falling down my cheeks and the intense sadness enveloped me.  The deep grief was rising from my belly, the tears were really silent ... which was good as hubby was snoring and dribbling on my chest .. he looked so adorable    I kept sensing my niece on my chest from earlier and then stroking my hubby's hair as he slept on my chest.  I kept willing him to stay asleep as I didnt quite know how I would explain it to him    Then I started singing gently to myself "Hush little baby dont you cry, mama's gonna sing you a lullaby".

I had a strange sense of calm come over me, I had thoughts of making a memory box for my baby that will never be.  I want to ask my mum to knit me a pair of mittens and bootees, I want to buy a first size baby grow, I want a first size baby nappy ... I want to gather things that I would have bought for my baby and wrap it up in a special box.  If we had been able to go ahead with treatment ... our baby would be 1 by now... we would be looking forward to our first christmas as a family.... I need to let my longed for little girl go.

OMG I have just read back what I have typed ... I sound nuts!!!! Honestly I'm not... am I? I'm blaming the hormones!!! Anyone else felt anything like this or am I indeed going a bit loopy??  

Social worker coming on thursday, the process seems to be bringing up all sorts of feelings again.. normal I suppose .... is it?


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## Hobbs

Hello everyone

Is this thread still current? I posted on it right at the beginning.  
We are a little way into our fostering assessment, we have had our medicals, done the skills to foster course and have had 3 visits by the social worker so far, she seems to come every tuesday and seems pleasant enough.  It is very intense and I do feel that we have to bare our souls every time she comes around, though not in a bad way.  It seems to be going very well and we havent hit any major hiccups yet, though i suspect there will be some along the way!!

We are thinking of fostering school age children as i have no desire for night feeds and nappy changing again, our own DD is 2 and I think an older foster sibling will fit in with the family better rather than being in direct competition with a child her own age, obviously it would be better for any foster child not to have that competition as well.
Starbaby I think you maybe at the same stage or maybe a bit further on than me, how you finding it? Do you know which age group you wish to foster yet? and how many? Have you got a panel date yet? we are initially booked in for April.

Love Hobbs x


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Hobbs good to hear from you   it sounds like things are going great with your assessments!!  Soooo exciting to already have a panel date, are you counting down the days??  Sounds like you have got a good social worker, ours is lovely too.  We have done all the medicals, got our police checks done, training course, references and had 4 visits.  She has been quite busy so has been trying to come every fortnight.  So far she has worked through my life from birth to 21 and is coming tommorow to do 21 to now.  We have had a couple of joint sessions (me and hubby) to talk about how we met and start on previous relationships.  Mmmmm still to get into the nitty gritty of that, we were both in quite destructive relationships before meeting each other..... will be strange to rake over all that stuff again.... all for a good cause though eh!

That sounds like a good idea going for school age children, especially with DD to think about.

We are looking to do permanence fostering and have been told that generally the children are no younger than 5 and no older than 10 and tend to have had numerous placements and challenging behaviour.  In my perfect world (she says praying) I would love a 5 year old girl (it was always a girl that I dreamed about having) and a boy around 7/8.  We have got 6 grandchildren aged between 2-9 which come to stay regularly; the oldest is very proud that he is the oldest in the gang and I dont think he would adjust well to a child older than him coming into our lives.

I have just started working for Barnados with kids with learnings disabilities/challenging behaviour.  It's great, I am learning so many strategies for supporting kids, it almost feels like it is my preparation for having our own kids.

This christmas feels so much different from last year... last year I was in a comatose depressed state thinking there was no way out of the misery of not being able to have my own child.  Now when my hubby asks me what I want for christmas this year I have a big smile on my face as i say "santa will bring our family next year"

It's so good that you and I are both at the same stage in the assessments woo hoo      I havent posted for a while but will start doing so now ... we can keep each other sane!!

xx


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## Mamaji

Hobbs:  How's things going with the assessment?  Did you have a nice christmas?

Our social worker was ill and cancelled 3 appointments, think I will give her a wee phone and see if we can arrange another date.  Just found out that my work has a Fostering Policy which gives exactly the same benefits as maternity leave .... all I need to do is pass probationary period to be entitled to it .... made me smile and have happy thoughts when I read the Policy.  I can have up to a year's leave to spend with any children we are approved for.

love Nic x


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## Mamaji

I cant stop smiling today!!!  My DH put in a PPI claim and got £10,000 OMG!!!!! We both were sceptical about getting anything back but we have sure been proved wrong.  So we have went on a spree for the last week.  We walked round every room in the house and made a wish list of anything we would want to do to the house in preparation for foster children coming into our lives.  We got new flooring for the kitchen, bedrooms, new bed, wardrobe, breakfast bar and chairs, dining table and chairs .... still to order new cooker.  Today we went looking for beds/furniture for the bedrooms for the children to be    My mum couldnt stop laughing as I felt the need to try out all of the junior beds, bunk beds, cabin beds .... and then we found the ideal one ... a low bunk bed where the lower bunk can either be a bed or converted into a play den.  I was in the lower section when a beautiful wee girl came to join me holding onto her teddy bear.  She got in beside me with a big beaming smile ..... she looked all around her then shouted as loud as she could "this is super cool" then asked her teddy if he liked it.  I had the biggest lump in my throat, she was adorable.  Then she saw the ladders reaching up to the top bunk and started jumping up and down with excitement.

We decided on the bunk bed and a junior bed which is extendable designed to grow with the child.  I was okay until we loaded up the trolley then the tears started .... buy they were happy ones ... it suddenly all felt real - we had beds intended for two children (please please please please) to have their own rooms with enough space to play and have their friends stay over.  

We have had the worst year ever between me working through my grief re infertility, then DH losing his job and us having absolutely no money ... to now .... half way through the assessment process, enough money to pay off some debt and prepare the house to be a safe, loving family home...... I can hardly contain myself    At last someone up there is looking down on us kindly!!!

Now to get DH to work on building things up ... should be fun Ikea instructions are always interesting ... I predict lots of swearing from DH  

love to all 

Nic x


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## shiabni12

Hi Starbaby
just found this thread and your posts and I just wanted to wish you all the best for the rest of your assessment process  We have been fostering for the last 3yrs and I know how tough doing the form f can be particulary when you have to go over past issues and problems. You sound like you will make fantastic foster carers particulary given your experience from your job. We do task centered fostering which is supposed to be short term!  We are on foster child number 4 now, he is 20mths and has been wtih us since he was 2days old. I have to say that I know I am going to miss him loads when he moves on to his forever family but I am also looking forward to it as he will make someone a lovely son and I want him to start the rest of his life.  
Keep us posted on how you are doing.
KT


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## Mamaji

shiabni12:   You sound amazing!!!! I agree that it will be hard letting go of  LO but there will be comfort in that you have given him a loving secure start to his life.  Our social worker came round today for more Form F filling. 

We were talking about how important it is for foster carers to be able to always aim to put the child first.  She was talking about a placement which  has broken down after 3 months - it was permanent fostering.  She said that the little boy was very traumatised and that the couple were taking him  to various outings and were frustrated that he wasnt responding to anything.  They decided to end the placement saying that they werent getting anything back from him so they couldnt go ahead.  It made me feel angry when I heard it... fostering for me should be about the child's needs ... 3 months is no time at all for a little one to settle ... it sounded like they were focusing too much on their own needs.  Such a shame as the little boy had been told this would be his forever family after numerous placements.

We were talking about my previous relationships etc ... v strange raking through the past ... soooo hard to remember dates and things.  our SW said that she will ask the psychologist to come do an assessment with us to suss out what our attachment style is.  She is hoping that all being well we will be through the process and have little ones in the house by june/July ..... OMG how exciting am I          woo hoo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Strawberries

Hi Girls,


My DH and I applied to become foster carers last year.


We did the skills to foster course last may 2011 and now just finish our portfolio, We have just got a date for panel it's Thursday 2ND February at 12:15....So Nervous and scared.


Strawberries.


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## Betty-Boo

Strawberries      for the 2nd Feb 


Mini xxx


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## Daizy

Hi Starbaby,
Just had a read through this thread and felt compelled to post a wee reply with my good wishes. We adopted a little girl; she had been in foster care from birth. The positive early start she had with them was of huge importance to her future and to our success as parents, thus I absolutely believe fostering is a vocation - and your passion for it is jumping off the page! Well done to you (and of course good luck!).
D x


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## shiabni12

Hi Strawberries

Wishing you loads of luck for the 2nd feb. We were approved as Foster Carers in Aug 2009 and I was really nervous about going to panel, but it was fine!!! Apart from feeling a bit like I was on the Apprentice ie sitting around a table in a boardroom!!!! They were really nice and they only asked us a couple of questions and then sent us out of the room while they made a decision, and then the chair came out to tell us we'd been approved. So I hope yours goes well and hope you enjoy your life as a foster carer!  
KT


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## shiabni12

Hi Daizy-thats a lovely thing to say about your lo and their foster carers and I really hope that works out the same for the lo whose with me at the mo

starbaby-no I think your are right 3mths doesnt sound long enough at all for a lo to be settled in properly and to have started to form attachments to you, but I suppose if the carers didnt feel it was going to work perhaps they thought better to say sooner rather than later, but you just feel so sorry for the child esp if they thought it was their forever family. Hope everything goes ok with the psychologist do you know when they are coming? Wow june/july sounds great that will be here before you know it. Cant remember, are you with a local authority or a private agency, just wondering if that makes a difference with time frames. We were 9mths from first home visit to being approved which our SW said was quick for our LA!!

Keep us posted
KT x


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## Mamaji

Hiya Daisy   you have made me cry happy tears ... bless you!!!  A vocation is exactly how I feel ... I have been saying for years (way before I knew that I couldnt have children) that I wanted my job to be a full time mum and now we are going to be employed as parents ....... its actually going to happen!!!! Wooo hooooo!!!!

So glad your LO settled in so well what age is she now?

Shiabni12:  We are with VA, they tend to place children which the LA have found difficult to place, they have said it tends to be children who have experienced extensive trauma in their lives.  They felt right for us to go to because we have both worked in the care sector for years and are both trainers in Child Abuse/Trauma we felt that we would have the experience and insight to support a LO.  On the training we were told that the assessment tends to take 4-6 months but that it depends how chatty we are  .  The social worker cant shut me up, she asks one question and I am off    The other day she said that I answered her first question then the next four without her asking them.  She was excited as she said that we are showing her our level of understanding by giving such full answers.

DH is on a mission today fitting laminate flooring ... not had the best start he has just roared at the top of his voice from upstairs as one of the boxes slid down the wall it was resting on and hit him straight in the groin.  I know its cruel but I could not stop laughing .... not because he was in pain but because he was rubbing his crown jewels talking to them "you're okay boys, you'll be okay" says he patting them lovingly   

Nic x


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## Mamaji

Hi Strawberries:     Good luck for 2 Feb will be thinking of you and sending you loadsa love    What kind of fostering as you going to do?

Nic x


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## Betty-Boo

Dear all - have merged all the chat on Fostering so it's all in one place, so to speak.


Makes it a lot easier for newbies coming along to find all the info.


       


All the very best on your journey.


Mini xxx


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## Mamaji

Thanks Mini


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Just had a two hour session with our SW and I feel really wobbly for some reason    It is a year today since I first went to the GP to admit to feelings of depression and got signed off work, so I have been a bit reflective this morning about the rollercoaster of emotions I have had in the last year.  I remember this time last year never believing that I would ever have happy feeling again, I remember being inconsolable that we could not go ahead with treatment to have a baby.  I went through counselling to work through my sense of loss and looked at the expectations that I had for my life and the life that my wished for baby would have.  I remember sobbing for hours at the unfairness that my dreams and expectations had just been whipped away from me.  The end result has definately been that I now try not to have expectations for things .... self preservation .... if I dont expect a certain outcome then I cant get hurt when it doesnt work out!  I seem to have learned to now approach any situation thinking of the worse case scenario.

So all this was bouncing round my head before SW came .... then she came and lo and behold wanted to talk about what our expectations are of foster children.  DH was chatting away happily .... I felt myself drift off into a wee world of my own and could feel a well of sadness coming over me.    As DH was talking I had this huge urge to hide, I felt really vulnerable and exposed .... all I could think was that I already had my expectations built up of what our family would be and it didnt work out.... so now its really hard for me to know what my expectations are.  When I try to figure out the answer its like a shutter comes down and I cant let my head go there ... very strange    I dunno if i am making any sense but its helping to type fast and put my thoughts down.  99.99% of the time I am positive and upbeat about the fostering process and have no qualms about us getting approved etc.  Then I have days like today where my head is negative and anxious .... normal I suppose... I think I put too much pressure on myself ... my expectations of me are maybe too high.

Am going to cuddle up and have a snooze with my fluffy cats ... they always give me great comfort


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## shiabni12

Hi starbaby   to you after your difficult day. The form f process is  very intrusive and certainly does stir up your feelings and emotions. Add to that you are discussing all these highly personal feelings with a virtual stranger, so its no wonder that at times during the process you can feel negative and anxious I certianly did when I was going through it!!!! Your next visit will probably be totally different again and you will be back to feeling positive   

KT x


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## Daizy

starbaby said:


> Hiya
> 
> Just had a two hour session with our SW and I feel really wobbly for some reason  It is a year today since I first went to the GP to admit to feelings of depression and got signed off work, so I have been a bit reflective this morning about the rollercoaster of emotions I have had in the last year. I remember this time last year never believing that I would ever have happy feeling again, I remember being inconsolable that we could not go ahead with treatment to have a baby. I went through counselling to work through my sense of loss and looked at the expectations that I had for my life and the life that my wished for baby would have. I remember sobbing for hours at the unfairness that my dreams and expectations had just been whipped away from me. The end result has definately been that I now try not to have expectations for things .... self preservation .... if I dont expect a certain outcome then I cant get hurt when it doesnt work out! I seem to have learned to now approach any situation thinking of the worse case scenario.
> 
> So all this was bouncing round my head before SW came .... then she came and lo and behold wanted to talk about what our expectations are of foster children. DH was chatting away happily .... I felt myself drift off into a wee world of my own and could feel a well of sadness coming over me.  As DH was talking I had this huge urge to hide, I felt really vulnerable and exposed .... all I could think was that I already had my expectations built up of what our family would be and it didnt work out.... so now its really hard for me to know what my expectations are. When I try to figure out the answer its like a shutter comes down and I cant let my head go there ... very strange  I dunno if i am making any sense but its helping to type fast and put my thoughts down. 99.99% of the time I am positive and upbeat about the fostering process and have no qualms about us getting approved etc. Then I have days like today where my head is negative and anxious .... normal I suppose... I think I put too much pressure on myself ... my expectations of me are maybe too high.
> 
> Am going to cuddle up and have a snooze with my fluffy cats ... they always give me great comfort


Hey starbaby,

I think what you felt yesterday is totally normal, and a part of healing.

Your hubby would have felt anxious and under pressure too, but because you once experienced a period of feeling extremely low and helpless (and I can empathise, I too experienced anxiety/depression when coming to terms with infertility) these times of extra pressure (and the assessment process is huge pressure!) can be a reminder of how awful you once felt. It's nothing more than that though, just an echo of a bad time. It's just a moment that will pass, tomorrow is another day and you'll be back to feeling confident and content.

I hope that makes sense!

D x


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## Mamaji

Daizy, Shiabni2: Thanks so much for your  reassurance, you are both so right.  I had a wobble for a few days and have come out the other side    We went shopping for bunk beds and a single bed and built them up.  I have just put bedding on them, some teddies, peppa pig, thomas the tank engine and have now got a warm glow in my  belly.  DH and I have been standing looking at the beds for ages with silly grins on our faces.  Back on track again.  So good to hear that my wobbles are normal though  

Strawberries:  Been thinking about you today, hope everything went well at panel


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## Betty-Boo

Just popping on to see if there's any news from Strawberries     


Mini xxx


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## shiabni12

Hi Starbaby glad to hear you feel back on track and how lovely it feels to get those beds ready  

Strawberries-hope panel went well today  

We found out today that our lo will still be with us until at least the end of April, feel completely split in 2 over it I will miss him loads when he goes but he deserves to be with his forever family as soon as possible and I just wish things could happen quicker for him as he's been with us so long already.  

x


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## Mamaji

Shiabni1: Can sense from your post how split you feel.  The whole wanting the best for LO as quick as possible, combined with your own feelings of letting him go as he's been with you a wee while now, I can imagine the bond you have will be really strong.  Its always hard when the goal posts change on timescales .... harder when LO's and feelings involved.  I think it takes a certain kinda strength to do short term fostering, so many endings and new beginnings to cope with.... I know I couldnt do it .... I dont think I would be able to let go when it came time for LO to leave.  

You do have that strength though, but even strong people have warm squishy vulnerable centres ... sending you huge     to help you  adjust to the goal posts changing.  I'm sure LO will enjoy the extra time he will get to spend with you  

Nic x


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## Mamaji

Strawberries:    I hope things are ok with you, been thinking of you hun  

Shiabni1, Daizy, Mini   

After 3 cups of coffee and half a chocolate orange I managed to summon up the courage to speak to my manager about fostering today.  My stomach was heaving, felt really sick and nervous I have only known my manager since end of November.  SW needs to get a reference from her and she jokingly said  last wk "this is the time where if you were pregnant you would tell your  manager"  i dont think she really thought through her words   especially as she knows our history!!!  Anyway I had a really nice conversation with my manager, her face lit up with  genuine warmth when I told her our plans.  She admitted to me that she was nearing 50 and had never been able to have children ... we were both locked in each others eyes for what seemed like ages ... that understanding of the emptiness I guess.  We both filled up with tears and then took turns to make light hearted comments to break the moment.  Strange I caught myself being really honest with her.  I have had one bit of the conversation running through my head on a loop over and over again... I said "I always dreamed of telling my boss that I was pregnant, feels strange telling you that in a few months I might be assessed as being a suitable carer for two children ..... I guess dreams sometimes come true in ways you dont expect"

She got the faraway look in her eyes again and just reached out and touched my hand.  Dunno how I kept the tears in!!! She puts up such a front usually but she allowed me to see her vulnerable side which allowed me to be vulnerable.  She was even suggesting work options for if I dont want to return to work full time..... so kind  

Tonight though I have been on my own DH working.  I came home from work and stood ironing for 3 hours (kinda been ignoring it for a few wks  ), tidied the house, straightened the duvet covers on the newly built bunk beds (   nesting according to my sister  ) then I sat on the lower bunk cuddling into a teddy sobbing my heart out    I kept hearing the same sentence that I said again and again... then crying... then it would replay ... then more crying    it only lasted an hour and I'm back out the other side again feeling positive warm feelings and now replaying the warmth on my  manager's face when she said "what a wonderful thing to do for a child".  

I think I have maybe hit another wee milestone towards the path to happiness ... just letting go another layer of what I dreamed of for years. 

Mmmm just looking at the piles of clothes waiting to go away ... might just have to have a wee G n T and smile sweetly at DH to help me put them away
xx


----------



## Babytears

hi ladies,

ive been coming on hear very occasionally and keeping an eye on how your fostering process is going starbaby.  ive just had a good cry at reading your last couple of posts.  you sound just like me.  still up and down from the grief of not being able to have my own.  we are at the end of our fostering process now.  we are having the house re-wired and plastered in preperation for our foster children.  im planning out where there beds will be and decorating nutral for boys or girls.  ive found the whole process quite enjoyable and easy really.  i am a nanny so have lots of experience of looking after children and having to let them go when they grow up or when circumstances change.  it just seems the next natural step.  i wear my heart on my sleeve so i haven't found it intrusive at all.  

just want to wish you the best of luck!! xx


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## Mamaji

Hiya Babytears   That's brilliant news that you are coming to the end of the process and planning the bedrooms ... it's so exciting eh!!!! 
  
I think the ups and downs that come from the grief process serve to make us stronger in the long run ......  Our SW keeps going on about how the children will have experienced lots of loss in their lives and that its important as foster carers that we can support someone with loss.  Cant help but thinking that the grief process re fertility has been our real preparation for having our family ... the family we are meant to have.  The family you are meant to have  

Have you finished the assessment process, have you got a panel date?

Our SW has just left an hour ago and I am on the ceiling with excitement   DH is chuckling away as I pogo around the living room like Tigger  .  SW said that she is looking to have taken us to panel and hopefully have children placed by the end of April!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry I am soooooo excited.  I phoned my mum and squealed down the phone at her excitedly, then came on here and noticed your post ..... bless you hun .... you made my heart smile  

We have provisionally arranged our family meeting for 7 march to get our family to say why we would make good parents ... my mum is so happy for us.

I think I need some chocolate to calm down   I am waaaaay too hyper!!!

Please keep posting with your news, I am so excited to hear someone in the same situation as us

lots of love xxx


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Well it's our family meeting tommorow with our SW and the Psychologist.  I am putting the finishing touches to the kid's bedrooms, it's so hard trying to find places for everything to go.  A lot of our things were stored in the spare bedrooms, so now have to find new homes for things ..... our bedroom is very busy right now!!  Am going to do lots of trips to charity shops and be really strict with what I decide to keep and what to give away.  

I feel really nervous about tommorow, I know it is a positive thing, just an opportunity for people we love to say nice things about us.... dunno why I feel so nervous.

Also got my rota for work through which goes to the end of April and I burst into happy tears as I looked at it, realising that at the end of April a group of people sitting round a table will make a decision as to whether we can bring children into our lives or not!!!

Off to do more tidying!!!!!

love to everyone xx


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## shiabni12

Hi Starbaby

just wanted to say good luck for tom we didnt have a family meeting like that when we were doing our application I suppose every agency/LA is different, but I hope it all goes well which I'm sure it will.

The end of April will soon be here before you know it  
Let us know how it goes tom
Luv
shiabni x


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## Mamaji

How happy I am I !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone has just gone away after the meeting with SW turned into a small party ... lots of wine and nibbles involved    The SW loved everything our friends/family had to say about us.  SW came with the educational psychologist who was taking notes.  According to my sister whenever someone said something the psychologist kept nodding and muttering "very good evidence of parenting skills".

Of course when the Sw and psychologist went away I quizzed everyone about what they were asked what they said etc. I was in tears as everyone was sooooo supportive.  I had a chat with my younger sister at the weekend and voiced some of my fears.  At the time i felt like she was judging me but lo and behold she must have thought about what I said and seemed to have gained insight into my fears.  She told me what she said and it really touched me.

Had such a warm feeling as I showed everyone round the newly decorated bedrooms for the foster  children, cant wait for the next stage.  I feel sooooo happy happpy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## shiabni12

Hi starbaby

great to hear that it all went well  What happens next for you have you still got some more home visits or have you just got to wait for panel now?

KT x


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## Mamaji

Hiya KT

I think we have more home visits to do.  The educational psychologist who came last night is coming to do a session with us on tuesday, then will have weekly meetings with SW until she has gathered everything she needs.... then hopefully off to panel we go!!!

You said that the LO you have with you just now would likely be with you until end April .... any more movements on finding his forever family?  How you feeling about it all now, I remember you saying how split you were feeling.

Nic x


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## Mamaji

Just had my sister on the phone for about an hour talking about the family meeting the other night.  She is sooooo excited, she said that the SW really explained the process fully and helped her to realise the support network that would be there for the LOs and us.  She was also thinking back to when she first started dating her husband - he had a daughter who was 8 and a step son who was 5.  My sis was recalling meeting them for the first time, they were really excited and after a few visits were saying I love you to her.  She said that it felt really weird because she didnt really know them but knew she had to bond with them.  Also about times when she was asking them to do something and they were screaming "you're not my mum, you cant tell me what to do".  She said that all of this flashed to her in the middle of the meeting and she got a surge of excitement as she suddenly realised that she had experienced something that would be similiar to our future fostering.  She said that she had been worried that she wouldnt be able to offer any support but as she now has a great relationship with her step daughter (the step son moved away to live with his mum) she has real insight into our process.

She then got all excited asking if the LOs would call us mum and dad since it is permanent fostering.  I explained that the LOs will decide what feels right for them and we will go with that.  She has just realised that her role will be that of an aunty and she cant wait.  She has never spoken like this the whole process, she admitted that she had lots of fears but that they have dissolved after the other night.  She was talking about ways to introduce herself to the LOs, I was impressed with the insight she had as she kept saying "we need to be guided by how the wee ones are getting on and go at their pace with introductions".

I've asked my sis to have a chat with my mum re what she would find difficult behaviour wise.  I have a sense that she is afraid to voice her real opinion to me as she wants to be seen to be as supportive as possible.  However, the last thing we want to do is agree a placement with LOs that my mum feels she could not cope with.  She has said a few snippets about LOs with learning disabilities "I'm not sure I could cope".  DH and I have worked with children/adults with learning disabilities for the last ten years and have no qualms, however we need to look at the whole family as we will need a support network in place for times when we need a babysitter to get a wee breather.

My sis thinks she will be able to have a good chat with mum and get her real opinions out.

Life is great right now xxxxxxxxx


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## Mamaji

Hiya

During a team meeting at work this wk I told everyone that I am applying to be a foster carer.  I admitted to them that having my own children is not an option, never ever thought I would be able to sit in a room of about 20 people and say that ... but i did!!

I was okay at the time (wednesday) but since then I can feel a general sense of melancholy and keep catching myself stroking my stomach and thinking of the baby I will never have.  I feel really empty and lonely inside ... maybe just another layer of acceptance of loss coming over me as we move ever closer to our family arriving.  Going to have a relaxing bath with candles and be gentle with myself.

love to all xx


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Just spent the most amazing shift at work with a 15 year old boy who has the development age of an 18 month old child, I learn something new every time I spend time with him ... he is an amazing wee man!!!

I was writing up my diaries when a member of staff mentioned that it is mother's day tommorow, then followed up with "you will be celebrating mothers day next year and getting a card, your first one as a Mummy".  I completely filled up and couldnt speak, I was really touched that she said it and then filled with thoughts of our future LOs arriving.  I wont be their biological mummy will I will give them all the love that a Mum should.


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Fabby news from SW yesterday we are definately going to panel 30 April in the morning.  Sooooo excited but also got lots of extra questions to answer for the Form F that SW has left until last minute.  Feels like I am cramming for an exam


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## Mamaji

Hiya

Just got the revised completed Form F through from our SW in lieu of panel on 1 June.  Feel quite emotional reading it!!  It's quite humbling reading your life story and all the positive comments from the SW were so nice to hear.

Roll on panel!!!!!!!!!

xx


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## Mamaji

wooooo hoooooo                  We got approved at panel last Friday for two children and they agreed with the age group we thought would fit in with the children already in our family - so its between ages 6-9!!!!!  We have partied all weekend with happiness.

We were so chuffed, whilst we were waiting to go into panel (there was an hour's delay!) the resource worker got a call about a 7 year old girl who needed two week's respite.  The resource worker had gone through all the carers on their system and thought we were the best match!!  We giggled and said that we had not been approved yet ... her response "that's just a formality waiting to happen, you two are amazing".  Well I burst into tears   I was already full of every emotion under the sun.... her comments just made me blub but in a good way.  The feeling that they thought we were the best match out of all their carers was such a nice feeling!!  The dates are smack at the beginning of the holiday activity programme for the children at my work, so we probably wont be able to do it, I would imagine my request for hols would be turned down.

DH is doing a good job of keeping me patient .... it's only been 4 days and I'm drumming on the table regularly wondering when we will get matched with children.  The agency doesnt have any siblings just now..... so we will have to keep patient and wait until the time is right!


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## GERTIE179

Woo hoo well done Star baby that's fantastic news!!
X


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## Maccer

Congratulations Starbaby!    


Maccer xx


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## Jules11

Hi Starbaby,

I've just read through the entire fostering thread.  I felt I had to send you a message to let you know that you are an inspiration.  Your open and honest posts have really touched me and tapped into emotions many of us have but don't often post. 

We are in the adoption process,  we seriously considered fostering but couldn't face the thought of moving a child on.  Our journey has been very much up and down.  We went to panel in May but were deferred for more information .  Hoping to go back in July. 

You seemed to have experienced delays and lots of emotional ups and downs.  I want to congratulate you for continuing,  your future children will have a huge amount to look forward to.  I am sure you will be wonderful parents.

Well done and please keep posting. 

Jules


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## Mamaji

Hiya!!!

Been avoiding coming on the forum since we got approved as it was making me soooo impatient waiting on the LO's coming   but I just have to unleash the amazing news we got recently!!!

I went along to a meeting and met other Foster Carers and hearing their stories about how things are going with their LO's.  There seems to be a trend in the way LOs cope in that the first 3 months go well, then as they settle in the behaviours start to emerge, that was what we were told usually happens when we did HS.

We heard about possible referrals we could be linked with, its all very early days, they only have sketchy info and lots of questions to be asked but i could hardly contain my excitement....... surely at least one of the referrals would be suitable for a match with us  SW said that one of the sibling groups are looking to be placed quickly, so if they do get matched with us, it could all move really quickly!!!!!!!!!!

I left the meeting high as a kite and left an excited message on DHs phone.  He phoned me back from work and I swear to god I have never heard such a muted response in my puff!!!!  Now he is quite logical, never believes something until it happens, difficulty showing his emotions bla bla bla ... however ... no emotion whatsoever over the phone!!!  Now I know that nothing has happened yet in a concrete way, but we were told that we would probably have to wait a while for siblings and along come 3 sets all at once .... so I reckon thats something to get excited about!!!  I couldnt help but give him a hard time on the phone for his non existant response.  He blamed being at work .... but he phoned me... he chose to phone me with someone sitting beside him, which is what he blamed his quietness for.  All my excitement just got squashed, it was like a fire being put out    

We ended up arguing when he got home -something we never do    He kept repeating that there is nothing to get excited about    I roared at him that he is a weirdo and that he should understand why it is something to be excited about, after everything we have gone through grieving our never to be baby.  We both stomped away from each other to calm down then returned to each other later.  He told me that as soon as he got my message on the phone he told everyone at work about it and was excited, he said that by the time he spoke to me he was in a bit of panic thinking that it will happen too soon and we might not be ready, he looked scared.  I asked him if he was scared and worried about LOs coming - he did the tough I'm a man thing and answered "a wee bit but nothing major I can handle anything".  Only then did I melt when i realised his non reaction was because he was scared about how he would cope when the LOs come.  I don't feel any of that just now, it's what I most want in the world and I have been willing it to happen quickly.  I think in his head the LOs wouldnt be coming until the end of this year and these referrals have taken him off guard.

Made me realise that we still react really differently from each other and the potential for us to misunderstand each other is there.  I hate arguing with him, we never do it, we normally just talk things through, but today both of us had huge emotion - just different kinds of emotion.

I should hopefully hear back from SW in the next few days with more info on the referrals.  Please please please make it happen!!    

Love to everyone xxx


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## happy girl

I just wanted to say that I loved reading your story.   you seem amazing and the children are going to have a great mum. We are thinking about adoption as i'm not sure I could handle the child going and my hubby wants a child to take his name.


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## Mamaji

It's been a long long wait but at last we have been matched with two beautiful lo's!!!!  So so happy Santa has given us our pressie early.  We have a photo of lo's on the wall, every time I look at them a tear falls down my cheeks.  Can't believe that these beautiful wee angels will be in our lives soon.  At last I get to be a mummy!!!

What also took me by surprise though was the overwhelming feeling of sadness at the same time.  I think it was me letting go on another level of my longed for baby at the same time as opening my heart to two new lo's.  it was hard trying to explain to family why I was happy and sad at the same time!

Now . . . . We are waiting to meet our wee angels . . Happy happy happy!!


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## Damelottie

Oh many many huge congratulations     . I am just THRILLED for you and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Happy Christmas    xxxx


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