# feeling selfish



## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Well up until about an hour ago this weekend has been great.

I know its still early days and I don't expect miracles but how can one phonecall make me feel so miserable.
Its from an old college friend of DH's. To cut a long story short, they had a little girl just a month before our son died. We had a coming out of mournign bbq last august and invited them along. The wife then decided to announve at it that she was 8 weeks pregnant (knowing our history and problems with IF)  we kind of kept our distance since and have only had one phone call since to let us know that they have had a healthy little boy.

Tonight we have had a nother phone call and now Dh wants to meet up. I know it is his friend but I can't stand the wife and really don't want the meet their children, but dh is insistant. I feel so upset at the thought of seeing them but don't know how to put my point across to dh with out really damaging our relationship. half of me says grit my teeth and get on with it, but I know I will end up in tears if I do.

I wish I could just remove this part of me sometimes. 

Debs


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Debbie
I have just read your posting and i am in shock.   ......i cannot believe that you organised the most important, significant day of your life, in memory of Charlie and this woman announces her pregnancy...i think thats the most self-centred thing that anyone could ever do, and i can understand your feelings towards her...
To start with you are not selfish and you are far from it.....she is the selfish one...!!!!!the pain and loss that you have experienced is bad enough, without being surrounded by this insenstive women....sorry that sounds a bit harsh but i don't understand people sometimes....   
I think that you are in a difficult situation because your hubby is a good friend of the husbands...i know that it is very raw for you at the moment and maybe its better to leave it for a day or two. Time to get your thoughts together and work through what you actually want to do? When you are feeling alittle more in control, maybe you could both sit down and discuss a plan of action. Its so important to find a way that you can both deal with this ackward situation and both of you understand each others feelings...
Have you thought of maybe suggesting to your hubby if he could meet his friend on his own...this can take the pressure off yourself and he can explain why you do not feel up to it...?
Sorry this is an opinion but Debbie look after yourself. Find a way that you want to deal with this situation and only take both you and your hubbies feelings into it.....
love astridxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Thanks Astrid

We've had this talk so many times (ever since we lost Charlie its been hard to see them) but the bbq announcement was the final straw for me. I really don't mind the husband (although every other sentance is "[daughters name] did this" "[daughters name] did that - not sure if I can handle it with twice as much for them to talk about).

DH is very set on 'being friendly' and visiting them - it is his best friend after all. We've discussed meeting up in the past and we never agree. I guess I get a bit mule-like, hooves firmly dug in. I know I should be able to 'rise above it' but at the end of the day I feel faulty because all I can do it sit there feeling pooey and winding myself up so that as soon as we leave I either burst into tears or rip dh's head off (metaphorically speaking).

I wish there was some other way to get through this without it effecting me, or my relationship with dh.

Debs


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

i am also in agreement with Astrid- how could she announce this at your bbq. Especially as she knew what had happened!!! People are so selfish!!!!

Your dh's best friend is his best friend- and exactly that. Not yours!!! My dh has never been out with my best friend's dh as they dont know each other well but it doesnt stop us going out!!! In fact these 2 had a baby thru surrogacy a few years ago(as my friend had cancer) and i went to the christening alone.I wanted to go alone as i knew i could get upset and dh didnt know anyone else.I was trying to spare him being upset too but he would have liked to have gone in the end.

Dh went to 2 christenings last year during and just after our treatments(his nieces' babies!!). I really couldnt go and although i felt bad that he had to do it himself i stuck to my guns!! If i had gone and got upset he would have been more embarrassed in the long run.Then i had 5 weeks off work and dh finally realised how bad i was!!!

You have to protect yourself and try and explain to your dh that you will come round in your own way and in your own time. It cant be forced!!! I havent had to go to things like this since last year to test my emotions but if i made the decision at least i would be in control!! You need to decide for yourself!!! xxxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Debbie

I'm sorry you are having such a time of it just now.  This is such a difficult one.  We dont realise how much this experience makes us question lots of different relationships, and often makes us question our friendships.  I know I've lost the friendship of one couple myself and DH used to be friends with because they too, often made the most ridiculous insensitive and selfish remarks - one of them being, "I dont know why you want to adopt, they'll only f**k off and leave you anyway!!".  She also came to my house with her POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST STICK!!! and she knew all our history!

I really can't believe some people.  But, I do believe this all makes us the better people.  We now have a deep sensitivity and empathy for people that I believe makes us better than that.  All this girl has done is show herself up to be a truly selfish person and who would want that??  (Sorry,  bit harsh but my opinion)  If that's what people are like then maybe its us that actually need to pity them as I don't believe they will ever be able to build strong friendships because these people are too wrapped up in themselves.

I know people can't appreciate what its like for us but all it takes is a bit of common sense !!!

Regarding the future between you, your DH and this friendship, I agree with irish eyes and Astrid.  At the end of the day, it is your DHs friend - not yours and we can't be friends with everybody.  I would maybe try to explain to your DH that you understand why he wants you all to be friends but re-iterate that you just cannot cope.  Things are still too raw.  Maybe he could avoid any awkwardness by just arrnging some "guy time" with his friend on his own.  Maybe the two of them meet for a pint or something??

you have been through so much, you are dealing with so much more and really, don't need the extra pressure of putting yourself in a situation you don't feel comfortable with.  You have enough to deal with.

It's definitely not worth jeopardising your relationship for but I think communication is so important and so maybe persevere with trying to get your DH to understand, and just choose your words carefully.

good luck,
I really do empathise with you debbie,
Love Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Debbie
I am with Gill and Irisheyes on this one.....
To be honest she is not your friend and you are not fond of her, so why bother?....would you put yourself through this if it was another set of circumstances ...probably not? so why do it now....
I think Irisheyes has a point if you cannot do it, then you cannot do it.....
You said you are worried about the effect it will have on your relationship, but we all go through life without not seeing eye to eye...thats part of lifes tapestries and 'You are your own person'. Have you thought about writing him a letter to say how you feel?
Can i ask you a question does he like this woman? or is it that he is bothered about the friendship with his friend? well if its only him that he is really bothered about, then maybe he just needs to think about meeting up socially on his own....as Irisheyes says we all don't have to be friends with partners etc?
To sum it up Debbie its about surrounding yourself by people that care, why drag yourself further into this sadness for who??to keep face....its not worth it you need to think of yourself....and your hubby will find away to maintain his friendship with this guy if its important to him...
take care astridxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Debbie

I am mortified at this womans lack of empathy, sensitivity, and to be frank I would like to stick a rather large sock in her mouth. However, me ranting and raving is not going to be of any help to you, so I am taking a deep breath to calm down!  

I am in agreement with the other ladies, I would not go to meet with this couple. If its your DH's best mate then by all means, he should go. There is nothing unreasonable by saying you would rather he has some quality time with his best pal. If your DH has a problem with it then maybe he shouldn't be planning arrangements and having you pencilled in before he has discussed things with you to see how you feel first. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I have been in similar situations before where I have not wanted to meet with DH's friends because their other halves are complete donkeys asses, and all they do is group up and talk about their offspring whilst I'm sat like a melon on the sidelines.

Maybe its time to get proactive - if/when he asks again say 'I need some time to think about this' and if he asks you again, smile sweetly and say 'I don't want to go, but by all means, you should go, he is your best friend'. He can't force you to go, you know hon.

I really feel for you, what a dilemma to be caught up in. I hope things can be resolved for you, and sorry about the ranting!

Love
Emcee x


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Thanks for the replys

I think I need to 'sit' on my response for a few days (easy as I am off to Rome with work tomorrow!) and see where this goes. I'm not going to meet up with the wife as I am liable to say something that can't be taken back (I've been known to do this before)  and I think its probably wise for DH to at least meet the husband first and 'test the water'.

ho hum - another of lifes little trials.

Thanks again  
Debs


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