# oh what an AWFUL day at the market......



## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi everyone, well, despite rocking the night before and getting up at 6am to go to do my weekly stint at the market despite not having had any sleep (i lay in bed for 4 hours wide awake). i stood in the freezing cold, fortunately i was quite busy HOWEVER.........went to the portoloo to discover that my af had come (i was expecting it but we still hope and prey eh girls) so i was really upset. this is where it got REALLY tough, talk about adding insult to injury, the place was simply TEEMING and i mean TEEMING with OLDER and i mean older women parading their HUGE bumps around whilst their baby or toddler followed on. they couldn't all have had ivf and even if they had, how bl**dy lucky and smug they all seemed. it was all i could do to hold back the tears. some of the women looked incredibly old to be pg, looked more like grandmothers, i don't say this in a *****y way either, i mean it, they were really old, so if it is so hard to get pg in your 40's, how come so many women see to breeze through it, i am beginning to think that i, for instance, have been singled out, that stupid senseless thought but it still feels real, you know what it is like, when you are feeling incredibly low and sorry for yourself. honestly, it has ruined my day and i normally love doing the market - it is a hobby that i do for pleasure but there was no pleased today, i can tell you that much. i wanted to ask them how old they were and how did they do it but of course, i cannot ask that - instead i stared at them and felt like i had been winded (kicked in the stomach). i am one of those that can't do it or certainly not without a struggle as i have not given up yet. i will take clomid again (3rd cycle) tomorrow. i am nervously waiting for my parents to bring mert home and am getting really anxious as they are late and have not rung. having an 'only child' makes them scarily way too precious and i worry for her safety as i am sure you will all know EXACTLY what i mean there. now ladies, i really want to read soon of one of 'the gang' having success, so come on ladies. sometimes i read the bfp announcement section and day dream and think 'this'll never happen to me again' but who knows. is anyone feeling positive this month?? i got home and had a good boo and feel a bit better now.
joxx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Kelway
I know it should not but you write in such a way that it makes me giggle to myself because all your feelings are so natural and normal and we all go through them and sometimes it effects are more than others.  YOu have such a talent for writing I really think you should go into it a professional and I so relate to your feelings. I am so sorry you had a rough day I really am especially as you really enjoy it and hope you feel better after a cry.  If its any consolation I went to a kids party and got upset as I feel some are so much better at making friends than me - I used to be really good but now I feel I am not, I feel others have the gift of the gab and I am just left standing there, I feel like everyone is moving on without me, that I am punished for saying one wrong thing after being so friendly to others being warm, open and friendly I am having doors shut in my face!
On the plus side, sod them there are some players in our playground and I am not one of them I am going to be true to myself and they are all missing out.
we now have the two kids in from next door and the place is a tip and me and dh just want to sit and read the papers - not good potential model parents. also my tooth well where the tooth was a bit sore so might take another pain killer - not had one today!!
take care sweetheart and it will get better
love
susie
also my af on the way too as bit more ratty and I still had my 1% of dream as well although quite glad not due to all my painkillers.,


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi susie, please be careful with those painkillers, not wishing to sound all 'mum' on your but it really is easy to get 'used' to taking them, i know this from first hand experience and still do abuse (not terribly but a bit) the taking of them. i really want you to try and stop beating yourself up about your 'lack of being good enough to be accepted by the other ladies' or at least, this is how i translate what i think you are saying - i really think it would be good for you to help boost your self esteem if you spoke to someone about this, sometimes just talking to a stranger can really help (i have experience of this too!!). i am sure there is nothing wrong with your personality and that you are as good if not better than the other women in the playground - you just need confidence as somewhere along the way it seems that you have lost it (your confidence). you have enough emotional drama's in your mind (ttc) without adding to them. it is all about confidence and if you believe in yourself, really do, then you can talk to anyone, you over analyse these social situations (sorry to sound like a therapist) - i am naturally shy but decided a long time ago that i didn't want to go through life being a shy person so i over compensate from it and seem to get some kind of odd kick by making myself do things that even a non shy person wouldn't - in some ways i have oddles of confidence but certain situations i still get painfully shy, point is though that you can learn to ignore your fears and worrying about what you have said to people and what they think of you - i was doing this today actually, worrying that i am driving people (colleagues) mad at the market by going on about how hard it is emotionally every time i see a pg lady at the market, i have been getting a bit paranoid that i might be getting on their nerves which i may be but i cannot drive myself too made about it as that is how i am and if they don't like it they can lump it, i think there are other nice ish things about me that would make them put up with my neurotic side though!!?? anyway, better dash but try to think better about yourself, why worry about these other women so much, i mean, who 'are' they? what makes them so special? probably not that much. try and rise above it . joxx ps: thanks for your kind words (again) - my dh laughed when i told him what you said as i am not exactly a literal genius!! nice to be told though what you said (i don't have much confidence either, not really, not underneath,never have had)xx


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

I'm so glad it's not just me that wants to ask pregnant women how they managed it, I SO want to stop one when I see them and say right, tell me the secret!!!!


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi emilycaitlin, the thing i am so desperate to ask them is quite clearly how old are you? i have SUCH an issue with my age as that is the reason i can't concieve No. 2 but after ttc for two years i no longer feel reassured if someone says they are my age or older as all i feel when i hear that now is major green eyed monster upsetness and jealousy as i despair at their either obvious fertility or major bank balance (ivf!!) silly (and often wrong of me, i know) but i have lost all sense of reason and am now reduced to this ridiculous excuse of a women desperately attempting to cling on to her youth who finds comfort in cuddles from dd & dh, eating two crunchie's a night, watching one episode of The Royels and headbanging down some crumbling old sticky pub in the east london to Motorhead!! actually, if it wasn't for my longing for another baby, i think i could safetly sit back and say that i am really rather happy with my lot and feel i have quite a charmed existence! love joxx


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