# Family line ends with me - never thought it would bother me so much



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello lovely ladies, 

I hope that none of you are in the same situation as me, though I'm guessing that many of you are.

A very brief background to me.....years wasted with an emotionally abusive man (determined not to have children with but couldn't get out).  Met DH and fell head over heals .... but he had a vasectomy after two children with an ex girlfriend (knew she wasn't the one but let his hormones take over his brain, first month together they were pregnant, abortion followed then pregnant again a couple of months later.  Vasectomy in last month of dying relationship. Silly boy   ).  Vasectomy reversed (technical success), years of alcohol problems though resulting in very poor sperm and oodles of stress from that and willingness to really try to have a child with me.

Anyhoo, I'm now in the scary unchartered territory of not being willing to accept it but having to.  I WILL NEVER HAVE A BABY.  Eek.  

I have so many fears and reluctance to accept issues around this but one that makes me feel a little like I'm this tiny spec in space is that our family blood line ends with me.  Our family will be no more.  It is a dead parrot.

I have the tiniest family anyway, we were abandoned by my biological dad's family after their divorce (shock horror, first in the village in the 1970s scandal, seems hard to imagine now!).  So, there has only ever been just my Nanna, my Mum, my Sister and Me.  My beautiful Nanna died, my Mum has a terminal illness and my sister cannot conceive either (although adopted my gorgeous niece).

I cannot quite get my head around this.  It seems like such a bizarre twist of fate that neither my sister or myself have fertility problems.  We are both infertile due to marriage or life choice (my sister is gay and IVF support was rare when they were TTC) and I am married to a man who cannot father any more children.

I'm not religious but it almost feels like fate.  Our blood line clearly had to end for whatever reason.  I don't feel that we are bad people, we have the most gigantic hearts, we love and persevere where many others would run for the hills.  We have never hurt anyone, broken the law or had psychotic tendencies.

Why then are we effectively being evolved out of the universe?  Why does it make me feel so small and bother me so much?

I know that we have my amazing adopted niece but I feel like I have let all of my ancestors down.  I feel so evolutionally insignificant


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi Molly,

It's been a while!

I'm so sorry you are feeling so terrible. They are big questions you pose, and of course I don't have the answers. If I did, I would be on a sell out tour of the world!

Legacy doesn't have to be merely through biological links. Maybe that's another way to look at it? Also, blood lines may run on through generations, but given some of the family dynamics I've witnessed, they can also run very cold. Ruptured traumatic families perpetuating trauma from one generation to the next is pretty terrible, so the love, learning and wisdom created and experienced between generations of non biologically related people is just as important and fulfilling. 

It may sound trite given the pain you are feeling, but it's another perspective...... 


R xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Molly,

I just wanted to send you hugs 
I know how you feel through personal experience but, like rubster said, I hope another perspective may help 
I too had to come to terms (many years ago) with the fact that I was unable to have a birth child. No particular reason has ever been diagnosed, but after so many years (and also like you, 2 marriages) I just 'know' it wasn't meant to be.
Again like you, I am the end of my line (in my case an only child).
Obviously nothing I can say can ease the pain you are feeling about not being able to have a birth child , but I just wanted to add how I personally feel about my blood line ending.

Although we were unable to have a birth child we made the decision that we were still able to be a Mummy & Daddy and have since gone on to adopt our 2 wonderful children.
Apart from the fact that my Son in particular looks just like my DH (very spooky), both our children have picked up mannerisms, sayings, behaviours (good and bad  ) along with numerous things that contribute to making us who we are, from both myself and DH , as I'm sure is the same with your sister's little girl .

I'm not saying this may be the route for you, I just want to say that your little niece will be continuing both you and your sister's 'family' line, ok it may not be a 'blood' line, but I strongly agree with rubster that legacy isn't just about biological links. I can honestly say that I don't give it a moments thought now as I look at it a completely different way.
You do already have the start of another generation in your family and that is your little niece  
I'm sure that along with your sister, as her Auntie you will also have contributed in part to the lovely young lady she will become and in that sense she will be carrying parts of both of you down to her children.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low right now and I could attempt to say so many things to help you feel better with regards to not having a birth child, but I know looking back that I had to come to terms with that over time myself, and little that others said made a difference.
I just wanted to hopefully give you another angle to consider with regards to your blood line coming to an end.    

I hope you find a sense of peace soon and I wish you luck with whatever route you follow 

Anj x


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you, she says wiping a tear.  Your perspectives have given me much to think about.  Thank you so much for sharing because it does really help.

I can't quite place why this affects me so much.  I just can't shift it from my head that evolution weeds out the unsuitable ones.  I know in my heart that these things just happen too but it's a heavy thought.  Maybe it's accentuated by the fact that I'm just a branch on my DH's family tree.  I keep drawing it out, I'm a twig on someone else's tree  

My niece is so beautiful, I love her with all of my heart.  She is the carbon copy of my sister in mannerisms at her age and oddly looks a little like I did (my sister and I look very different).  I do feel that she is a part of us and will carry us on but I can offer nothing to our line.

I have a family of sorts of my own too, though I don't really see my step children as my direct family.  I do love them but only seeing them for 4 days a month doesn't really make me feel that they are part of my life in the same way.  I guess the reason that we can't have children is heavily linked to their mother too so maybe I have a huge mental block going on around them too.  I will love their children to bits when they eventually have them but I won't see them as my grandchildren, they will always be my husband's grandchildren.  Who knows, maybe that will change as scars heal.

I suppose that I'm in a place where there is 0% chance of us conceiving naturally now and, even though DH will consider adoption, I know in my heart that it won't happen.  Our situation is too complicated, his parents are unlikely to be supportive and his ex will do everything that she can to make sure it won't happen (she isn't shy of disgusting lies and it only takes one little thread of concern).  His children asked for a brother or sister a month ago and asked if we could adopt - though they will only talk about it to me and DH thinks I'm setting it all up.  Since then his son (twelve) has become dead set against sharing his dad and his daughter (nine) is trying to 'blackmail' me about it to get what she wants.  It's ugly and difficult before we even start so I just can't see it happening.

I feel like a little flea on the back of a whale, just completely insignificant in the world


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi again Molly,

I totally get the the challenges of being the woman in a relationship with step children - my sister has two. As the woman in her house, she does all the nurturing type stuff, making things for school, lunches, organising their clothes. All the stuff women think of. But then she still feels like an outsider. Honestly it seems so hard and it seems like you have to be emotionally bullet proof. Add in infertility - Jesus, I really can't even IMAGINE. As angelissa says, coming to terms with pain is a very individual thing that you will do in your own way and in your own time. You can't rush it. Your DH wouldn't be able to take it away (the pain) - even if he did suddenly became an emotional gusher over night. The reality is, the only way to get around pain is to go through it. It can be very lonely and bewildering. I got my period today - I'll turn 42 in 2-3 weeks, and I just hoped and hoped and hoped that I would have a little early birthday pressie, especially given last years b-day (transfer of 2 blasts, BFN, Dad died 6 days after that). I was so sad today, and last night. I just cried and cried. But I know one day I will come to terms with it all. 

Anyway back to you. Can I just give you another perspective? You said that you feel this is natures way of weeding out the weak? Well, I know a couple of INCREDIBLY brave, strong, determined, focused people who have won the fight against cancer by literally moving mountains physically. Honestly, these people are the strongest I know. You are probably a LOT stronger for having had to deal with IVF.

Coming to terms with the "why me" question i so hard. There are NO reasons. It's certainly not because of weeding out the weak, or that you don't deserve it, or that you have done anything wrong or anything logical, predictable or in ANY way fair. It is simply random. 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad and wrestling with all these heavy thoughts and questions. It's so very hard. Go easy on yourself. 

R xxx


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Molly,

I'm really sorry for all your struggles, and I am really, really sorry about your mum and your fertility treatment. Life can be a real **** and send you places you never wanted to go. I too have had the abusive relationships that I wasted my life on,  and now have a step son. 

I am reading a book at the moment called 'chimp paradox.' It is actually very good. I had years of counselling and read many books to try to help me, because I kept getting stuck, and this is the book I would recommend the most. I have sleep issues and often wake in panic. Who would have thought having a pen and pad next to me, and writing 'psychopathic wan*er' in big angry letters (in reference to ex), would send me back to sleep? If only I'd known years ago that letting out normal emotions, safely, would help. What I am saying is, it would be normal for you to feel scared, angry and confused right now, but you need to let some of that out, or it will make you ill.

Anyway, back to you? 

I saw someone write this on a thread and I loved it: Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood. 

You'll love your adopted child just like your own, if that is your path. I think your ancestors would have wanted the best for you, and won't care about bloodlines.    I too would love to adopt - creating a loving home for someone who has had a rough start in life, how wonderful it that?

In terms of your own issues, have you and your DH considered all the options, like egg/sperm donation/surrogacy? Also try googling serrapeptase for removing scar tissue in tubes. If you haven't already, I think it is important to investigate all these options so that you can can close a door and know you did everything you could - sorry if this re-opens questions, I just think you need to be sure as you are only 41. If you have considered all these options and have decided it is the time to move on, I'm really sorry for opening the wounds. With threads, it's hard to tell what people are thinking/going through.

In terms of yourself, I think you need to start putting yourself first, and I think you need to start taking control of your life and destiny. You're in charge of you. It's not selfish to do that. Think about what YOU want, not anyone else. Anyone who cares about you will support your decision or make compromises. Make sure you are not doing all the compromising or you risk feeling resentment/breaking in the future.

Sorry my message is a bit rambled. I hope some of the above is helpful. I genuinely hope you get your child which ever route you follow.  

I send you a virtual hug, and wish the best for you.

xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Deedee, how weird!  I saw an earlier post of yours that mentioned serrapetase and had just done a bit of research, pressed send on an Amazon order and then saw your post to this thread.  Thank you, I've never heard of it before and I think that it could be good for both DH and I.  Did you notice a difference Deedee?

I think that I'll read the chimp paradox too, it sounds just like what I need.  I am a real thinker anyway but there are things that I am finding really hard to let go and I can lay awake in the early hours thinking over past things without any idea about how to move on from it.

I'm just two months away from 41 now and I'm still living my life for other people    Sadly, we have no options left.  I borrowed the money from my Mum to have our 3 cycles and we are in debt up to our eyeballs.  I simply can't borrow any more.  Adoption or TTC naturally (   ) are the only options and I feel like my step children are being given the deciding say about whether we can adopt    I want them to be part of the process, if they say no and my DH decides that he can't upset them (which he will do) then I don't know how I will live with that.

Rubster, it's lovely to talk with you again    I saw your post about your triathlon, I'm so proud of you  

I'm with you on the birthday blues, I will be thinking of you.  Thank you for your positive thoughts, you are so right.  I know that I am stronger, I just feel very broken right now.  I think that I have the post holiday blues, I needed it so much to have some space and recover and my step daughter just made it such hard work.  It's not all her fault though, I'm not blaming her (though she was a shocker).  I guess that I thought that I would feel different after we got back and I don't  

Well, serrapetese and apple cider vinegar arriving tomorrow.  That's something to look forward to


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## 2Buttons (Jul 11, 2012)

Hi Molly   , I hope you're having a good day today  , forgive me if I am wrong but there seem to be a couple of assumptions occupying your mind that maybe confirming them would help you to find the next step...

Firstly the impact of extended family issues on adoption panels - exes,inlaws,stepkids
You may have done this, but perhaps speaking to an adoption social worker (or posting on the adoption boards) would give you the best understanding of this.

Secondly, you seem to have decided on your DH's stance without actually asking him...that's the kind of thought that would drive me crazy, so maybe just ask him and let your head move on?

In any case, I am sorry for your suffering   I hope the home remedies do some good and I too will be looking up the chimp paradox shortly   take care.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks Buttons, sometimes I do get so caught up in my head that I do need a good dose of questioning 

DH and I have talked about adoption _a lot_. He is ok to think about it (as long as I don't talk about it too much) if the kids agree to it - but what nine and twelve year olds who only see their dad for 4 days a month would? We had them every weekend up until recently, which I actually really liked, but they choose to see us less because they want to be with their friends. DH likens his fear of _any _ change in his pick ups, even in emergencies, to a phobia.

I've talked to a social worker about it when IVF looked like an impossibility for us. She was very supportive on helping step children through it and dealing with nasty exes, sadly though I feel that it is helping my DH through his phobia that they won't be so keen on. It hardly shows commitment to a new child 

I'm stuck feeling sad and bitter that I'm still living my life for other people and still saying 'oh well, I really wanted this but if no one else does then it doesn't matter'. If he was clear then I would know what my situation was, the maybe, the what will the kids think / decide and the uncertainty drives me crazy.

So hear I am, tiny little glimmers of hope peeping out of very resounding let's just move on and enjoy my kids. I wish that I could 

I hope to be able to talk chimps with you all soon!


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Miolly,

If you read the chimp book, I openly admit that I am snow white.    A victim of every one.    I have identified 3 members of my family as wolves. Fortunately, my DH doesn't fit these extreme profiles. 

I have no side effects of the serrapeptase, or none that I know of. I have heard it is pretty safe and has been used in Japan for centuries. I have been taking ACV on and off for about 2 months. Too much info but my last 2 AFs have been very heavy for me (almost black) on the 1st day and pretty much finished by end of day 3. I read this happened to someone else but then symptoms improved (she successfully reduce fibroid size). Do feel a bit weak though. We're still choosing the dreaded :-( IVF clinic so not sure when we will get ultrasound to assess any changes. 

I'm not quite sure what to say about your step children. Any child will grow up and create a life for themselves, away from parents, so I don't think their concerns should stop you adopting. Adopting a child when there are already existing children is disrupting. After they leave home, you are stuck with DH (in the nicest possible sense) so you need to be on the same team. Plus children say all sorts of things when they are young. My niece, who is now 11, will throw a tantrum one minute and tell me to go away, the next she will tell me she loves me. Once the adopted child arrives, your step children will get to learn to appreciate their new sibling and understand that not everyone has a perfect start in life, but everyone deserves love. Like buttons said, a social worker will be used to this situation. 

You probably do need a very frank chat with DH to discuss your way forward, but you don't need to rush into that chat now. Start by doing some nice things for yourself. 

xx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi Molly
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this boat we share. I had a couple of thoughts after reading your post. For me, passing on the family gene is not the area I struggle with- for me it is bound more up with being old and lonely which I have to unpick ! 
- I would urge you to question the theory around 'weeding out'. I am a special needs teacher and I love my children. As I looked around the hall yesterday, I saw lots of siblings and pregnant mummies. I mean this in the sense of I believe in diversity and if you can conceive, you can conceive- it has very little to do with natural selection if you are basically healthy. I have a friend who also struggled with this part of the journey- she has now turned it on its head and sees it as a positive that she is the end result and has researched her family tree and bought a poppy for a relative that died in the war....
-if you can accept that the theory you hold might be untrue- than I think u have to start to unpick why you hold on to it. I suspect it is part of the grief thing of needing answers. In my journey, I try to challenge my thoughts and invest more in trying to be kind to myself rather than bullying myself. I have learned to let the negative thoughts wash over me and think that for today- I am ok and nobody knows their future. 
Mind you, I am not fully there yet and definitely still have my down days but I guess its all normal? I hope I have helped and not hindered in some small way - Kate xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

OMG. I am so Snow White 

I read the first line and I didn't even have to read any further. My DH _hates _ my little sighs and gestures  I am definitely making sure that DH knows that 'I will somehow make it through despite his lack of understanding and selfishness'

Oh dear 

Stupid phone advert last night showing a grandparent seeing his new grandchild for the first time. It made me think about how much I desperately want my Mum to see a grandchild of mine. I want this generational link, I want my child to have what I never had - rooting and benefit from their heritage. Most of all, I just want to share how I feel with DH occasionally and not have him react horribly. If I ever want to clear the room, I only have to mention our future family and he's off like a racehorse 

We were talking puppies a bit later and I told DH that I'm afraid it will be seen as a baby substitute (by him) and might push back us starting a family. He immediately got up and said that he can't help me and that we have the allotted 6 months post fertility treatment to wait and then I'll adopt anyway so what was my problem.

He's Snow White too! He's always seen having a child with me as something being done to him. I'm still dragging him through it 

It used to matter to me so much that he wanted this with me and that he would love a child as much as his existing children. I think that he will in his way if one was physically here. Maybe I'm starting to not care so much any more  It makes me so sad, I've changed my entire life and have moved heaven & earth to battle my issues and love my steppies and I've had to find ways to move on from his absolutely inflexibility where they are concerned. He can't see that he has to change & adapt a little too for me and us though.

Urgh, we have such communication problems.


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

It sounds really hard for you.  Being a step child myself made me realise that one of the difficulties of step parenting is the guilt of the parents, so they over compensate. Even though it was my DH's ex who ran off with another man, my DH does have huge guilt associated with the divorce - therefore, can spoil his son when his son just needs reassurance.

Personally, if you get a puppy, I would clearly state that it won't change your desire to have a baby of your own. I know so many men who do this. Your ex can't expect you to change who you are and what you want, just like you can't change him.

The most fun part of the book is the planning piece. So far I have planned my non-baby dream and we are starting to make plans for our baby journey: i.e, increase circle of supportive friends, get as many tests done as possible, 2 rounds of IVF at ARCG. Adopt (by which time we will have more supportive friends to champion our case). I am also planning my sleep routine - as I am such a poor sleeper. 

The relationship part of the book is quite difficult, especially if you are having issues.

I'm will read it through for a second time, and implement some of the stuff that went totally over my head, but I'm far more positive and less 'snow white' since I have read it.

Let us know how you get on. x


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## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Hey Molly,
I share your feelings - I am too the end of my families name, although when I got married for this reason I chose to have a double barrelled surname so my children will carry the surname on...although the problem is we haven't had success in having any children!
My parents had me quite old, my mum is nearly 80 and all they want is a grandchild...For want of trying I can't make this happen soon enough  
There is no family on my husbands side, but on my side like you it is just me, my brother (whom I'm not close to) and my parents. For this reason I want to build a family for myself and carry on the name.
Ive been crying myself to sleep at night recently thinking about this aspect of it all so I completely understand, I bet its something many don't think about really.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Scorpy, you're right, it isn't something that many people have to think about.  Infertility is hard enough but carrying the weight of being the last of the mohicans is even harder.  I don't think that many people also come from such minuscule families either, no cousins, no aunties or uncles, no grandparents...it makes me feel very insecure.

I always knew, from a young girl that having a big family was so important to me.  I wanted to create the family that I never had.  I know that this has made my journey harder, I have a lot of issues around this.  My family is getting smaller and smaller though, my Mum is getting so poorly, I can't think about her going but when she does it will just be myself and my sister left.  That's too small   

I thought that getting married would bring me a family, that at the very least I would have my husband's family around me and feel part of something.  They shut me out though when they didn't agree with me wanting a baby and now we barely speak.  It's so sad.  

I am so so sorry that you are going through this and feel this way too.  I know how sad and isolating it is lovely xxxxx


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## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Me too, I would have loved the buzz of a big family so at least thought I could create that next generation myself...
Like your situation my dad is really ill and I say my brother and I aren't close at all. So really I only consider myself to have my parents as my family.
I too was looking forward to becoming part of 'a' husbands family, but similar to your situation that didn't work out and we disowned them. I even think that if they ever found out about my struggles with fertility they'd almost rejoice at that fact! Grrr


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