# Yo yo emotions



## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi ladies

I'm so up and down at the moment. Right now I'm down. 

Keep searching for ways for us to get pregnant with my own egg before I have to accept the on,y way forward is a donor. I find it so hard knowing we conceived so easily first time. This still seems like a dream I need to wake from. 

Had two last hope things booked for tis week. A phone call with penny from serum and scan and consult with Create. The scan is Thursday the phone call was last night. 

Just before the call we got a call from the docs. We'd doe a SA just to tick the box before we talk to clinics. Never ad any reason to doubt DHs swimmers. Then they called to say want to repeat it in three months. Wouldn't say why or what the numbers were! Really Can we be knocked down any further??

Then the call with Penny who was honest to the level of being blunt. My ovaries are over. Done. Empty. 

So now pinning everything on the scan and a hope the lab got hubbies result wrong. 

I've read the miracle stories fir low days and just want that to be me. 

I look at my son and I love him so much. I know I'd love a donor egg child just as much but worry for my parents who look at DS and smile saying how they see me as a baby in him. What will it be like to not have that in the next one and what is it like if you use a donor and people ask who he pr she looks like?

My parents are on holiday at the moment. They're the only ones who know we're going through this. I miss my mum so much as I just want to cry and talk to her 

Sorry this is such a self pittying post but hubbie at work and got no other outlet!!


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## dips (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Hopefulat35,

Am so sorry for what u r going through   .....I can completely understand why u r feeling down 

Although I do not have any magical words to cheer u up...all I can say is that I do hope the scan brings in some good news and also like u said, u get some better news with DH's results too  .....I am not in your position ( atleast not yet  ) but I can understand ur concerns regarding the donor egg route....it is definitely not an easy decision to take or accept...I know that the wish to provide a sibling to ur child can be very strong but I would suggest u only do this if u r well and fully prepared for it and to cope with whatever comes along the way...take some time to think over it all and be aware of what it will bring and how it will change ur life...once u know all that and are prepared, it will be slightly easy to handle it and deal with people's questions and comments  

I  u have better news in the week and wishing u all the best no matter what u decide to do  ....please dont hesitate to PM me anytime u wish to talk or even just want to rant xxx


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi dips

Thanks so much for your message and support!  

I pick up the details of the SA this pm so at least then we'll know what we're dealing with!  

Have you been to create yet? How did you find them? We go on Thursday. 

This is such a mad journey isn't it! One of those that you always thought would happen to someone else but never you. I always knew my mum had an early menopause but she was early 40s so thought I was ok time wise! 

Thanks again for your support and call on me if I can do the same for you!!!


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## dips (Jul 19, 2011)

Good luck for today evening then 

Yes, I have been to Create and will be doing my next cycle with them.....I have found them to be quite good so far...they do 3D scans as opposed to the normal 2D scans done by other clinics so in that sense they are more thorough....my uterus had been diagnosed as a bicornuate by the NHS  but was correctly diagnosed as a sub septate by Create due to their scan! so I am waiting on surgery to have the septum removed before I can begin treatments again...from all my research on clinics I have gathered that their philosophy of using very little or no drugs is beneficial for older women and poor responders like me hence decided to go with them 

I could not agree with u more....it is a mad journey indeed..I always tell people on here that if somebody had asked me 10 years back how my life would be in 10 years time I would have said "happily married and settled with 2 children by the time I am 30" and here I am at 35 yrs old still trying for my first baby  .....life surely does not go as per ur plans 

U're very welcome and always here if u need to talk


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## littleprincess (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi Hopeful,
So sorry you're going through all this right now and no shoulder to cry on  
In a kind of similar situation in that had a natural no problem pregnancy in 2008 then one blow after another trying to conceive number 2. It's just so hard to understand how things were so easy ( I mean really easy) first time then so different.
Having miscarriage tests done now, trying to remain positive but also realistic too- high FSH, awaiting AMH levels- acupuncture is my last hope I think- really reluctant to go onto clomid as read about link to miscarriage and if my reserve is crap (sorry) then is there any point trying to conceive if quality of what I've got means likely to miscarry because of abnormality or other hormone imbalances...........
We've talked about other options but have decided that we don't want to persue other routes as not right for us as a family- but we're all different! No idea where I'd stop if wasn't so fortunate already....
Hope you can get some answers this week-
Thinking of you and sending lots of


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi dips and littleprincess

@dips just on our way home on the train from create. We saw mrs Nargung and I thought she was great. Direct and honest but in a nice human way that meant you didn't leave feeling utterly appalling! DH SA wasn't too bad in the end. Count was good just a bit low on morphology so a few more baggy trousers days for him! Mrs Nargung didn't seem worried about it   

The scan showed my uterus is about as healthy as it gets apparently with a good blood supply so at least that means I should be able to get an embryo to settle in nicely! The chances of going ahead with my own egg are next to nothing but this wasn't new news.

Basically I will come off the hrt and then have cd3 bloods done. If my fsh has dropped to under 20 I will have a scan on day 9 and if there is any sign of a follicle we can try a natural cycle to see if there's an egg in there. If good great! If not we start hunting a donor and complete our family that way. I've found the phone number of an IF counsellor who does phone sessions and specialises in donor issues so we will do that if that's where this journey takes us just to iron out any wobbles that may happen. 

When do you start your cycle with them? I hope it goes well  

@ littleprincess thanks for your message and support. This site and you ladies on here are amazing life savers!
We too conceived so easily the first time and I too find it so hard to understand how that was so easy and now my ovaries are apparently pretty much over. I just need that one good egg tho and I can't do any more than I am to squeeze one out so who knows? I'm doing acupuncture tho I never thought I would as I hate needles but it's been amazing!

Good luck and rep in touch with how you're doing!


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## dips (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Hopefulat35,

Am so glad that ur appt with Dr Geeta went well and u got some positive news regarding DH's SA too  ......Really good news about ur uterus too as that means that once u have an embryo, it is very likely to implant well 

Wish u all the good luck ahead...I really hope that u get that one lovely egg and do not have to go down the donor route  

I want to cycle ASAP due to my low amh  but until I have the surgery to remove the septum in my uterus I cannot  so waiting for a date for the surgery and by the looks of it, I don't think I will be able to cycle before May/June....definitely not what I wanted as the delay is not helping me with the low amh but unfortunately this whole thing is one big waiting game  .....thanks for ur wishes though 

Take care and if u have the time, do keep me posted on how things go


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## 2ndtimeround (Feb 8, 2012)

hopeful my dear, i came on here to see how you getting on as i've been away for a bit.

with you 100% on the yo yo emotions and admittly more down than up. I'm so sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for or deserve. i hope you and DH are able to support each other and agree on the way forwards. you sound like a very strong lady and i'm sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts. like you reminded me, focus on your little family and count the blessings you have, not the ones you don't....

sorry i'm not great with words but just wanted to express my support to you and following your progress.


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## 2ndtimeround (Feb 8, 2012)

p.s don't worry about looking at the next one if by egg donar and wondering. my DS is not my DHs but everyone, and i mean everyone, thinks that he's my DHs son (and question whether hes mine lol!!!). they have exactly the same character, expressions, it's crazy!!! so your baby iwll be your baby and look like you, whether genetic or not!


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hey  ladies

Dips, any sign of your surgery date?   it comes through soon! I'd be awful at the waiting! And it's now April so at least may is next month which is good for the mind!  

2ndtimeround, thank for checking up on me   there are no right words it's just great to know people are there so thank you! So what's happening for you? Why are you more down than up? I like what you said about DS and DH  

Afm, we had an apt at create after talking to penny. The one good thing I have is a very healthy uterus so at least one part of my reproductive system is functional! My odds if OE success have again been dammed but we are going to give it one try so as soon as AF arrives I come off the hrt and then get cd3 bloods done. If fsh is under 20 we get a day 9 scan to see if I've made a single follicle to try with. If any of these things fail then I'm straight back in touch with penny to start the donor hunt. 

A bit of me wants to just do that now do I know it's happening and I'll be pregnant soon but I know that in the long term I'll be glad we gave OE every opportunity. 

Well, off for acupuncture now. I'm going to be so rich when this ttc business is over!!!


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## dips (Jul 19, 2011)

Yes, got a letter yesterday telling me that surgery has been booked for 24th May  ......not happy as already been waiting for 3 months and 2 months more to go  but I did look up the costs of going private for it and just cannot afford it at present so have no option but to wait 

I am planning to use this month to get all my blood tests and DH's SA done so next month once the surgery is over we have everything that is needed to begin treatments...although I cannot start well until July/August now as the surgery is so late  but no harm in keeping things ready 

Good luck to u once again! I hope the follies come through for u


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## Hopefulat35 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi dips
   ! That is so frustrating!mi wish the private option was cheaper  

Like you said though at least it gives you time to get everything else in place so there will be no stopping you  

Afm I don't think theres anything more I can do to get the follies growing just lots of   now!

Keep in touch!


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