# Practical Support for Would-Be Single Mums



## Jeanette2 (Dec 5, 2007)

Hi 

Just wondering what support networks there might be for would-be single mums? I'm very worried by the thought of bringing up a baby completely on my own. My parents are getting on now and wouldn't realistically be able to help out and I live on my own at present in a rented studio. My brother doesn't live locally and my friends are also quite scattered. Knowing how much work/ money is involved in bringing up a child I can't help thinking it would be so much easier to share the load with someone else maybe even in a similar situation.  Also financially how does one manage/ does anyone know what benefits might be available?  I'm at present working in a large public sector organisation although intend to leave soon as not very happy there and want to devote my time to trying for a baby as I'm 38 and time is not on my side.

Any ideas/ suggestions from anyone in a similar boat would be gratefully received.

Thanks, Jeanette


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Hi Jeanette
Boy do I have the same worries, however I've been a foster carer to 2 children at a time (sibling groups) and I can honestly say, while it was hard work, I was amazed at just what one can do and how rewarding it is. You get into a routine, find what works for you and make the best of the situation. For example, when I was a foster carer, the social worker really worried me because she said that I would have to cut my work hours back and that no children in care would cope with after school club. Well, of course when the children first came to live with me, I only worked school hours, about a month into placement they wanted to go to after school club with their friends - they settled wonderfully. My employer was unsupportive, so I moved jobs to a manager who was wonderfully supportive and I was able to work out finishing early a couple of evenings a week etc. I guess my point is, that things do work out, things come together and you find things that work for you. 

Having said that, what I found helpful was: 
1. Having good savings behind me, so that I could dip into as needed - I was amazed at how everything went "wrong" at once - boiler, car etc - a financial planner told me to try to have 6 months savings, and knowing I had this did give me comfort

2. Having an adaptable work situation - this really helped

3. Having a break - I too don't have family that lives close by and my family is very small, in the end I could see I needed a break, so once a week I would get out on my own (using a friend or occasionally a family member or sitter), sometimes it was only for an hour so I could go for a long walk by myself, the next week I'd have a sitter and go out with friends for a drink. Knowing that once a week I had 1-3 hours of no kid duty, was refreshing - and gave me the energy to keep going. 

Now that I'm hoping to be a forever mum instead of a carer (although when you have children live with you 24/7 for a year, truthfully it's amazing how much of yours they do become, if that makes sense) I do again have all those same worries. I'm trying to meet the goal of meeting others like myself- I think this, in my experience, has been harder here in the UK. I have friends who are single mums by choice (SMC) in the US and can't believe how much support they have, in so many communities they have weekly support groups, holidays together etc, many said they didn't slot into single parent groups because most were dealing with divorces, custody etc where as SMC's have other issues. 

I get what you mean about housing, I was reading about a SMC housing group - a co-op, basically for the same price of renting a studio, they all have their own (owned) 2/3 bedroom apartments in a nice big converted building, in a good area, safe schools etc. How I wish the UK had things like this, ocassionally when I meet with a friend who works in housing, I wonder if it would be possible for people to start a co-op, since other groups have done it, but then I wonder if I'm being realistic!! 

I guess in my experience, I learned I had strengths I never knew I had and it was so very worth it, I am 100% sure becoming a mother is the right choice. I always remind myself - which is my worst fear, parenting without a partner or never being a mother - the latter wins hands down. 

p.s. If you ever fancy starting a housing project let me know!!!


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Should also mention, that you may want to stay with your employer (or find another employer soon after) as you will be entitled to maternity leave, this will allow you a year to be with your baby - some of which they will pay, if you've been there long enough and/or top up as well. Also many employers have childcare voucher schemes, which give you 10% or so saving on childcare. You will also get working families tax credit. Finally with young children, most employers have to be flexible about hours, days you work, contracts etc. 

A friend of mine who adopted, worked out with working families tax credit, she was just as well of working 3.5 days a week as 5 days a week, so after the year she went back 3.5 days a week. 

All this depends on what you earn, your employers etc, but before you give up your job, look at what your current employer offers. The NHS is a good employer for parental benefits.


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Jeanette,

There is a website www.entitledto.co.uk, that will tell you what tax credits etc you are eligible for .. someone here told me about it.

I'm afraid i'm not in a great financial position but needs must and I think we'll always find a way to manage.  I have thought through and through about how i'll manage financially / emotionally etc etc there's only so many times it can go round my head without me going completely mad  

I find it quite depressing that it all comes down to money but I can't let that stop my dream coming true  

xx


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

So true Jovi, in life their's "ideal" and what the rest of us have to deal with! lol 

Jeanette, after fostering I was going to adopt but sadly didn't go according to plan. So where am I now? Well I understand not being happy with your job as I was there a couple months ago, I am currently looking at new positions and will begin once I've settled in new job, new area (plan to move) and I increase my savings a bit more - realistically probably a year from now to a year and a half. I'll begin tests and hoping to start 3-6 months later.  I also really really have a heart for adoption and would really like more than 1 child, so I would imagine I will try to do both. 

Finances worry me too, especially when factoring in the cost of treatments etc, but I keep thinking at the end of the day it has to work and I'll do what I can to make it - like moving, new job, saving as much as possible etc. 

I agree whole heartidly about how much better it would be if there was a system of support!!


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hi - I mentioned on the other posting about the Baby Race that one of them has a website - http://singlemother.typepad.com/single_mother/ - check out the postings as there is one that relates to filming a docu with some single moms doing a co-op house share thing!! It seems it was filmed at end of last year but not sure when it is being screened. Any of you fancy moving to Scotand?!? xxxx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Count me in   .

Its always seemed like the most brilliant idea


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

First Step - decide on location

Second Step - apply for new jobs

    

I remember an episode of Grand Designs where they followed a group of people who started their own housing group - they got grants from the council and literally built a street of new semi's, with a co-op situation - all helping each other out.

The one in the US I read about was brilliant, they had a baby-sitting group so they had free childcare (women being responsible for a certain day each week etc)- it was about 8 women and their children, they split the tax and bills making it much cheaper than living on your own, yet all had their own front door, their own garden, own unit -kitchen, dining room (could be converted to 3rd bedroom), lounge, 2 bedrooms, family bathroom. 

Honestly, I'd move to be apart of something like that!


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

I am about to be London based again (in the next 3 months) when transfer comes through and/or new job pans out. I miss London incredibly - the markets, cultural experiences, museums, theatre etc. I lived in Surrey for a while, which was nice (had more space than London place) but the commuting and cost of commuting is incredible, I was basically spending 3.5 hours a day and at least £300  a month not including parking commuting - definately not something I want to do when I have children. Other than London, I do love Leeds, but 99% sure I'll be back in London by summer.

Any others around London?


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I'm Surrey/Hampshire borders - about 20 mins south of Guildford. I work on Farnborough although we also have an office in London so I am up there quite regularly. Most of my friends live in London area (mainly South - Tooting, Kingston, Balham etc) so I spend a lot of time socialising in London. It's the perfect solution for me - I get to live in a lovely little village in the countryside, but also get to go out and about in London when I feel like it...

Love the commune/shared housing idea - I'm lucky enough to have my mum and sister living locally for moral/practical support, but even so, I think it sounds great....

Re your initial question Jeanette, I think those sorts of networks quite often appear once you get pregnant. My sister has 2 little ones and is pregnant with the 3rd just now. Her husband works long hours so she's often on her own with the kids. Both my niece and nephew are hearing impaired which requires lots of hospital visits/check ups/hearing aid fittings etc etc which makes this doubly challenging. My sister has made many friends through NCT, playgroups etc - even just meeting other mums in the street/park, and now has quite a network who babysit for eachother and help out when needed. So even if you don't have family and friends nearby right now, that doesn't mean that you won't have a support network once you get pregnant/have a baby.

Laura
x

Laura
x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Laura we could have been neighbours, I was about 10/15 minutes from Guildford, LOVED it when I worked in Guilford/Woking/Farnborough/Leatherhead, but when the commuting began, well it was HARD. I so agree about best of both worlds!! 

Now if only South East house prices would go down!!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Wow - where were you living Bluebell? I'm in Grayshott which is about 20 mins from G'ford in one direction and the same from Farnham in the other. My mum lives in West Clandon which is between G'ford and Woking, and my sister lives in G'ford itself. It's a lovely area but I totally understand what you mean about the commute. Takes me 20 mins to Farnham station, then an hour on the train - and costs nearly £30 a go (which is fine when you can expense it, but not as a permanent commute...). I don't mind once, or even twice a week in London but I wouldn't want to do it more often...

Laura
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Jeanette I can empathesie with you, but even in a realtionship there is no guarantee it will last- read the Relationships board on FF and see how many couples crumble under the stress of TTC, either when the baby is on its way or afterwards, and many mothers end up as a single mum.  At least you know from the start that that you have to plan ahead and if someone comes along then it is a bonus.

Are you considering co-parenting with someone, there are men who want to share a child, I did consider this with a man but didn't want to share my child for half the week.  I am TTC with a known donor , who will be known to the child, but not a co-parent so I will have male role models wiht him and his partner, who are so supportive. I am like you and don't have family support nearby.  I haven't told my Mum about my TTC journey at all, as I only will tell her when I am 12 weeks pregnant, but I have told some close friends.  I think the fewer people know the better as then they cannot sway your mind once made up.

Good Luck
L x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Jeanette
I can really relate, I think everyone has these worries, everyone and if they didn't, then they haven't truly thought about the implications. Truly, there is no script for having a healthy child - emotionally that is, I also work in this area and have to say, some of the most troubled children I've had to work with have had 2 married parents, lots of ££, private schools etc. Some of the most sensible, emotionally healthy children I've worked with have less than "ideal" family situations. When people do studies on children of single parents, they compare young single mums with little education to middle class, middle income couples, it isn't a fair comparison. When you compare like for like (vulnerable 1 and 2 parent families and middle class 1 and 2 parent families) there isn't a difference in the outcomes for the children, in fact the children of singles in the middle class groups did better in 2 areas of the largest study done. So, I think a lot of people worry because they hear what they do in the media and they think "these poor children" thinking its more about single parent than the situation. 

In terms of role models, studies have proven it is the opposite role model that has the greatest impact, but I do think your worries are justified. When I was fostering it was something I was really worried about, but I was amazed at the male role models that came into our lives - teachers, cubs, karate etc. I was aware of the need for the children to have positive role models and while my male friends really were too busy working and with their own families, we found some amazing role models, many of whom I am still in touch with even though the children are no longer in care. There are also some new mentoring initiatives for boys without fathers. 

While I would welcome a relationship, truly, I would, I'm also wary of jumping into something to have a baby. I have two friends that did that - both late 30's desperate for a baby, thought briefly about donor sperm and decided to go for a relationship, both literally went for one, ignoring bad signs and have had a nightmare. Yes, they got their baby and they are both very happy about that, but they've both been left with custody disputes and very controlling men. Now, I am not saying all men are like this, but I think they ignored the warning signs (they admit this now) as they were just thrilled to meet men that wanted children asap too. 

I do have a friend who did something similar, she was much younger though (29). She gave up her job in Essex, did 6 months of intensive working out, a clothing course, make up lessons, computer courses, got a job at a big company in London with the goal of finding a husband, a year later married and now mother of 3. She did have time on her side and she had given herself a deadline, if she hadn't met "the one" by age 34 then she would do it on her own. 

I have a friend who was very against single women having donor sperm, she met someone (when they were both 40), got pregnant very quickly and very sadly he died when their daughter was 2 weeks old. She has done a complete change around and is now very supportive. Of course her story is different, but her daughter is 7, she is top of the class, happy, well adjusted and has no significant male role models, she can see that for all the reasons she worried about the parents of single children, it has more to do with parenting capacity, ability to relate to your child, your health, your ability to meet your child's needs. 

At the end of the day, I think everyone has to do what's right for them, but one thing I've noticed is that I've never met a single mother by choice who has regretted having a child, but I've met a lot of singles in their late 40's and 50's who can't speak about not having a child without crying, it is their biggest regret. 

I think it takes a great deal of inner strength, an ability to put what others think behind you (even people you love), creativity in how to make it happen - like the housing situation. And, I have to say I know many people who've met their husbands/partners through their children - divorced or widowed dads at their children's school or activities. You just never know what life can offer!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Jeanette,

So sorry to hear that your mum wasn't very supportive of your decision. It's very hard when people don't agree with our choices, and even harder when it's someone you care about and whose opinion you value. It's not for me to tell you what to do, but I would just say remember that it's your life at the end of the day and you are responsible for your own happiness and your own decisions. 

Although my mum and sister live near by, my mum won't be able to help out too much from a practical perspective. She has very bad arthritis and probably wouldn't be able to babysit for more than an hour or two without my sister there to help out. My sister is a teacher so she may be able to help out in a hands-on way in the holidays, but otherwise not. I have made the decision to have a child knowing full well that it will ultimately be down to me to bring him or her up and that I can't rely on having additional practical support. I'm lucky that my family and friends are fully supportive of my decision, but I'm relying on them mainly for moral rather than physical/hands on support. 

As JJ1 says, there is no guarantee that a relationship will last, nor is there any real guarantee that you will get real support from a partner anyway. Many of my female friends with children are practically single mums as their husbands work long and irregular hours and are not able/willing to be very hands on. My own father died when I was 13 (and my sisters 10 and 11) leaving my mium to bring us up alone - and we've all come out of it pretty well 

I'm not saying that I wouldn't rather be having a child with a partner, of course I would. But I firmly believe that I can do this by myself, with the support and love of family and friends. And I don't think I'm partic special - if I can do it, anyone can  

I have thought a lot about the need of the child for male influences in their life, particularly if it's a boy, and come to the conclusion that I will just have  to rely on male friends for that. I hope my brother in law will also play a key role, although he and my sister live a couple of hours away (this is my other sister...). I will 'appoint' godfathers from amongst my friends and choose them based on them being able to play an active role in the child's life. Again, there are no guarantees, but life's never perfect...

Jeanette, I'm not for a minute saying you should go ahead if you're not 100% comfortable with the idea of having a baby on your own. I thought about this for a long time, weighed up all the options and took time to feel happy with what I was doing. However, once I had made the decision, I stopped looking back, and didn't listen to negative views. As far as I am concerned, I've thought it through and made the right decision for me (and for my future child or children), and that's all that matters. 

I don't know if this has helped or just made things worse, and I certainly don't mean to offend in any way. I guess I just wanted to say that most of us have similar fears about being able to cope on our own, but that doesn't necessarily mean we should give up on our dreams. 

All the very best, whatever you ultimately decide,
Laura
x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Jeanette
Doesn't sound silly at all, you mum reading the threads is a great idea. While I mention my friends a great deal, *none* live close to me so once I'm in London, the closest will be a couple of friends in Surrey, neither of whom will be able to offer any physical support and the rest are spread out in Scotland, Wales, the west country, US, Canada and France. None of my very small familywill be closer than 4 hours away. My mum is surprisingly very liberal about this, she has seen two colleagues who decided not to pursue single motherhood through DI or adoption go on to very much regret it, she also had two colleagues who became single mothers by choice (1 adoption 1 DI) and she said seeing them with their babies was magical, it completed them.

My mum actually actually said to me: "Why would ANY woman punish themselves for being single, by not allowing themselves to be a mother" I think it is the wisest thing she has ever said! So you see, after seeing these women she is now very forward thinking. But ,she doesn't live anywhere near London, so while I appreciate that she doesn't make negative comments, she won't physically be able to do childcare or anything like that. So I really understand. I remember when I was watching The Baby Race (about single women between 30-40 yrs old creating families through anonymous donor sperm, known donors and adoption) feeling so inadequate - most featured large supportive families. But, again I came back to my reality - my reality is that I want to be a mother, yes I could spend my life meeting more friends locally, yes I could spend my life travelling or saving or putting all my money aside to be able to buy a flat in the best of post codes, but it won't change the one thing that is most important and that is motherhood. 
I wouldn't worry about renting, I know loads of people who rent, I have to for the next couple of years - I'm hoping there is enough of a dip in the property market I can get back on the ladder. I'm looking at other solutions as well - things like shared ownership schemes and am serious about a housing co-op. Now if only I could figure out how to afford childcare!!

Two of my very good friends (both emmigrated to other countries) adopted overseas from China. Neither has any family that lives in their new countries, both are very much on their own with their children and both have small savings, both are the happiest people of everyone I know. Whenever I see them with their daughters, I think the following *small but mighty! *

Have a good rest, these events, thoughts and decisions are emotionally draining!


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Had an early morning thought. I think another reason why people worry so much about children of singles is that they, along with children who are adopted, live very much "under the radar".

While going through my degree and masters I worked as a nanny for 2 very well respected Consultants (Dr). They admitted they are together because they both wanted children (met at age 3 had fertility treatment for baby 1 and surprise baby 2. Both their children had severe behavioural issues (2nd child especially) not because they couldn't behave, or had any special needs, but they were spoiled rotton by parents and played off against each parent (parents relationship was not good - really they were together for the kids if one parent tried to discipline one of the children, saying something like if you bite your sister again, you will have a time out, the other parent would say don't listen to bad mean daddy/mummy). The youngest would bite, kick, scream, swear at her parents to get what she wanted (for example, if you don't take me to Toys R Us for that new game, I will bite you) she controlled everything about them. She was good as gold when they weren't around (mostly) but horrific when they were there. They lost many friends because of it who said they needed significant parenting help - things like a child psychologist who specializes in parenting help etc. They would NOT admit a problem, despite everyone in their lives telling them so. Even the grandparents (both Dr's as well) told them that they couldn't be around her (2nd child) when they were there - the final straw for them was one Christmas they were visiting and the granddaughter was so awfully behaved, including refusing to eat Christmas dinner and insisting they made her a burger, she also kicked her granny for sitting in her chair. The big issue with the parents was that they never followed through any discipline, had very chaotic parenting etc. This was several years ago now, but what I remember finding funny/ignorant was they had a friend who adopted and a friend who had used donor sperm (both single) and if those children had normal children moments - crying, whining etc, these consultants would make comments like, with DI children or adopted children you don't know what you are getting. These are 2 medical Dr's with every qualification under the sun and yet they were ignorant. 

Their eldest has done well (although very insecure attachment) and their youngest has had to switch schools (very elite private schools) on many occasions. Of all the people I know, they deal with the most behavioural issues - the most conflict in their home, the most stress. Their lives are not happy and yet I am positive if she was a single mum, people would say the children's behavioural problems are because they have only one parent. I hope this example demonstrates that you have to see the prejudice others have not as realistic but because we are conditioned to think in certain ways etc.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Jeanette, 

This initial thinking it through part and starting to share your thoughts with family and friends is definitely the hardest. I was really nervous before I told my mum and sister about my plans. Fortunately for me my mum is quite progressive for her age and wasn't at all surprised or shocked. Infact, she just said she thought it was really exciting (which was so lovely it made me cry...).

Despite all the moral support (which is of course great), like Bluebell, although I talk about my friends a lot, none of them live close enough to pop in/babysit/rescue me in a crisis, and all of them have families and responsibilities of their own. So I'm very aware that I will need to build local networks once I get pregnant. I've seen my sister do it very successfully though, so I'm not too worried about that.

And living in rental accommodation is no barrier at all to having a baby. In many European countries it's actually quite normal to rent for life and never buy your own home. In the UK we seem to place great value on owning your own home - but I really wouldn't give that a second thought - as long as you've roughly worked out the financial side of things and can afford to have a child (and they don't have to be that expensive by the way - you can get lots of stuff cheap on ebay and they don't really need a £700 Bugaboo pram!) then I don't think it matters whether you own your own home or not. Infact in the current economic climate you're probably better off renting....

If you haven't already, have a read of Jane Mattes and Mikki Morissette's books on going it alone. Both provide a good overview of the questions you need to ask yourself before embarking on this journey and many examples of women who have successfully brought up children on their own. It might help your mum to read one of these as well to help her understand a bit better. You can get them both from Amazon. 

By the way, if you want to meet some of us and talk about all this in person, then a few of the London based girls are planning to meet for drinks/dinner on Fri 29th Feb somewhere in the Waterloo area. Not sure if you'd already been asked - but you'd be very welcome. 

Take care, and take your time with the thought process - it's not easy, 
Laura
x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Laura those are good books! I'd also recommend Flying Solo, which is about a single UK mum who adopted. Most of the book is how she finds motherhood on her own with her son.

Oooh I wish I was going to be in London that weekend, I'd love to meet up. Laura do you know if there will be any other London meet ups?


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Sure to be some more London meet-ups coming up Bluebelle. This one is very much an ad-hoc one anyway - started out with me and Rose agreeing to meet and has grown to include some of the other London girlies too....

We have the big meet up in May for everyone - prob in the Midlands to make it easier for those coming from the North/Scotland etc. 

But there's lots of us in London and the SE, so nothing to stop us arranging something. I'm in London pretty regularly for work, so always happy to arrange dinner/drinks on one of my London days...maybe we can look to put something in for mid-late March? Will let you know when I have my London dates for those weeks...

Laura
x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Jeanette, can you tell me a bit more about the Single Mums Soon group? 

I think it's great you are looking at all the options. Remember that even if you found someone to co-parent with you'll still be alone, he may visit the baby and spend time with him or her as he grows up, but you'll still be in it on your own - you responsible for bills, childcare, housing, day to day parenting etc. Just make sure you are realistic about what finding someone is, it could be as little as them donating his sperm or they may visit or they may do occasional overnights with the child. But, a BIG word of warning I met a lady who like you wanted to do it but not on her own so she went to some group and met a man who also wanted to be a Dad, they agreed to do it together and lets just say he isn't a good person, a very very bad person and she told me that every single day she wakes up thinking how lucky it didn't work (they had spend £20K trying before she found out), sorry I'm being vague but I don't want to post publically what he did.  So, make sure you air very very much on the side of caution, I personally would want a police check after hearing her story, having said that I don't think his background would have shown up.  Remember as well, there is a chance of custody issues. The other 2 I mentioned earlier are both now in massive custody disputes, what they had originally agreed - visits 1 a week, overnights every other weekend when the child got to 2, have been blown out the window. Both men now have significant custody, one gets his son every other week for a week, the other gets his son 4 nights a week. One of the children has had to go into counselling as the Dad has had some emotional health issues and has said innapropriate things to create anxiety in the child in hope the child would favor him. The same man ended up getting maintenance from the mum too and she only earns about 19k a year!! 

I'm not saying don't do it, I think in so many ways it's ideal, I just think you have to go in with your head fully aware of what can arise. The woman I know of who did do it successfully (a friend of a friend) did it with a good friend, they'd known each other for years, high level of trust and it's worked wonderfully. Her son very much has two parents, although he only sees his Dad once a month for a long weekend I believe.

The other option you could look at is adoption, you would need to have a bedroom for the child, but many of the London agencies are very proactive about singles. But, many offer support, including adoption allowances (a bit like a fostering allowance) which helps.

I will never never forget when my first 2 children arrived, for a few weeks before I'd worried about being alone, they arrived and I realized I wasn't alone, I had them. I "parented" for well over a year and honestly never never felt alone, I kind of laughed and thought, why did I worry about this and was cross with myself that I had even worried about it! I know no different now and actually think it has its bonus'! 

Yes, meeting up later would be good, let me know your dates Laura and Jeanette, I don't think I can do anything before mid April!


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Rose, I think that is very wise about grieving being part of the journey before choosing single motherhood, they recommend the same before beginning adoption - grieve for what you thought would be how you became a mum.

Sorry I keep posting, I'm working from home this weekend and this board is more interesting than writing policy!


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Jeanette, 

Wow you've had a lot of thinking going on this weekend, hope you're feeling ok today.  

I'm in a similar situation, I am very very close to mum, we share everything she is always there for me, she has got me through times that were so awful and has always been there, even when I've been making the wrong decisions.  She really doesn't understand my need to do this alone, I really don't think she even wants me to consider it, but I have to, I can't go on waiting to see if Mr Right or Mr Ok turns up, I don't want to settle for a relationship for the sake of having children, from experience I know I am better on my own than in the wrong relationship.  

I have for want of a better word wasted over two years of my fertile years thinking this over and wanting to do it alone, before that I wasted time with the wrong men.  I know it is what I want to do 100% but its the knowing if/how i'll manage that has kept me putting it off.  Co-parenting is something that just doesn't appeal to me, but certainly worth looking into, I can't see myself having a child with a man who is only part of my life because we both wanted children, I just feel more comfortable being the only one there to make decisions - of course a loving relationship would be the perfect scenario, but even these aren't guaranteed no matter how good it seems at the time.  

I have been quite down about it all recently because I just want to start tx - i'll be completely honest its all down to money that I haven't started before now.  I don't even have any savings.  I will be living month to month but realistically I don't know how much longer I can go on wanting this so much and not doing anything about it. I have to figure out a way somehow, and soon, I can't spend another two years going through this!

Oh this is turning into a bit of a rant, apologies, I am just so tired of not being able to do anything, the more time goes on the more it hurts.  I've tried to put it on the shelf, give myself a couple of years and see where life takes me, I just can't find a way to do that, its on my mind constantly and isn't going away.  

I wish mum was onside and encouraging, I don't have friends to share this with (whoops, I have all you lovely ladies), however I hope once I actually start tx she will be there - deep down I'm quite sure she will be she just worries about me, life hasn't been easy sometimes and she doesn't want me going through more hurt and struggles.  Once I am pg (I have to think that I will be one day to stay sane) she will realise how important and happy it will make me, and I hope she will be as excited as me.  It would be lovely to have some encouragment now though, all this thinking isn't good alone.

Take care everyone sorry for going into 'me' mode

Jovi x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Jovi - have you thought of writing your mum a letter? Its just that how you describe it on here is so clear.

Emma x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Jovi - I'm sure your mum will be delighted when you get pregnant and will love her little grandson/grandaughter loads! Perhaps a letter to your mum as Emma suggests would be a good idea. Sometimes it's easier to put down something in words than say it out loud,

Love Katiexxx


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Jeanette and other SMC's!

I thought of you tonight as I've been watching a program called Till Debt Does Us Part evenings at 6 and 6:30 on Zone Reality. It features couples in major debt and works intensively with them for a month to get them out of the red, give them a plan to save etc. Some of the couples are very high income (tonight, one featured was a fashion designer!), others have moderate and others low incomes - all working. All these couples had such significant debt, most have young children. What struck me was that those of us who are choosing single motherhood, well I wonder if we are too hard on ourselves, setting ourselves such high standards, worrying so much about finances. Of course, we only have one income to fall back on, one job etc, but it just opened my eyes that these professional couples - solicitors, bankers, designers, teachers, nurses all struggled financially, but they still had children and still found a way to cope. 

Obviously I'm not saying any of us are in a position where we don't have to think about the financial side, but it made me see very clearly that that is only one part of it, there are ways you can be creative, ways you can cut back and still have the family you want and deserve, without making yourself sick with worry!


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello there, I've only just picked up on this thread and found it ever such a helpful read.  Thank you to all those who've posted.  I remember reading in one of the books on Single Mothers (Miki Morrisette?)that it's very tempting to wait to ttc until you have all your ducks in a row but you've sometimes got to guard against this temptation or you might end up missing the boat.

One other resource that I read about was Doulas.  They're mentioned in Knock Yourself Up but there's doulas in the Uk too and although they cost, in the scheme of ttc costs they're not so expensive.  Essentially they support you in labour and then after the birth too while you are adjusting to the new arrival.  Sounds like a great service to me and a real help where family is not around the next corner.

Wishing everyone lots of   with decisions and finding the support we need.

Felix xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Felix - snagglepat on the lesbian ladies thread (it isn't called that anymore is it?) is a doulas. From corresponding with her and reading her posts I would most def use one. And an independent midwife if I could afford it. But the doulas just seem amazing - I've heard some great things xx


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