# I've arrived at a crossroads - but I'm stuck!



## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

Dear Lovely Ladies

I've just spent about 2 hours reading all the threads on here - so I now feel like I know half of you!
As usual, in times of sadness, FF has been my knight in shining armour!

My situation is that right now, this very afternoon, I am trying to build up the courage to e mail IM in Barcelona and cancel the appointment we have there next Monday.
Even though I have done nothing but think about this for weeks, and then yesterday, DH told me it's what he feels is the right thing to do too... I can't seem to send it. I am letting go of something so huge... this litte e mail will symbolise the end of our attempts to become parents.

We have only been thru one egg donor / ICSI cycle... and when I look at people's signatures there aren't that many who 'give up' after one go. But, gosh, I just don't know if I can do it again.
I kind of feel like it wasn't meant to be... and I know that life can and WILL hold some incredible adventures for DH and me now we have made our decision.

But I still can't send the e mail!! 

I've been reading thru the chat thread and so much of whats been said on there makes sense to me. It's been a joy to read - and so inspirational. And I have empathised with so many of the weird feelings and emotions... I think it was Nat who said about almost feeling a sense of euphoria when she pulled the curtains back and decided to get on with her life. That's amazing! And the other day, when I was speaking to my acupuncture lady about my feelings - I suddenly had this incredible glimpse of 'being free'... of _getting my life back_!!! I want that so much - but ever since DH and I had our chat yesterday, I've felt so sad... I guess that is only natural when you are saying goodbye to what would have been such an enormous part of ur life. I feel like motherhood is a balloon and I am watching it drift further and furher away. When I contact IM that little balloon will finally drift out of sight.

I don't like the person that IF has turned me into... I'm bitter and cynical - and worst of all - I've found it very hard to be happy for other people who become pregnant. That's just not me!

Why can't I send this blooming e mail??

I know none of you can tell me how to solve this one, but just writing this and knowing that you will all understand where I'm coming from, has been so helpful for me. I may well be joining the chat thread soon - cos I really need a home!

love and light

Jill x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Jill

I just wanted to send you a big    Your email rang so many bells for me!  It really is a crossroads.

We did two cycles, so not that much more than  you have - I think if it's really not for you, you know.  When we went back for our consultation after the second one not working we sat in the car afterwards and DH just said 'I just don't want to be in this place any more', and I knew just how he felt.  Not that the clinic wasn't nice, it was just that the whole process was making us feel such failures and undermining in particular DH's confidence whilst taking up all my energy and stopping me from doing anything useful at all with my life - I couldn't even be sure of being able to be properly 'there' for my family to be honest with all the hormones and everything!

The only thing I'd add, is that DH and I have tended to make decisions like this with the proviso that we reserve the right to go back on the decision if we decide we were wrong a few months down the line.  I find this is a comfort - it's like keeping the door with just a little crack open until you know that the new path you've embarked on is right for you.  This January we did go back and talk to the clinic in the light of my thyroid issues having been discovered and sorted since my treatment cycles, and it really totally reconfirmed for us that we had made the right decision (I had been starting to waver that maybe we had given up too easliy) so in a way just talking the possibililty through once more showed us that we had moved on, and as DH said, we now have way too much to lose!  

Very best wishes to you both

Jx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi Jill  

Oh this rang so very many bells with me too. I only had one cycle of ivf and it was pure hell from start to finish, every hurdle was full of anguish, bad test results, horrendous side effects, an awful response etc.... Even after all that the decision to stop was immensely hard, i explored every possible alternative route and refused to give up hope for a long time but as time passed it really dawned on me what i'd been through, the huge emotional and physical damage it had caused and decided enough was enough and we wouldn't try again. These decisions are always immensely hard to make and for a while it did make me feel like a complete and utter failure that so many members on FF had had the strength to carry on. I think our instinct counts for a lot though and mine was it wouldn't ever work for me and that theirs was that it would for them. One of the things i found initially was that as i 'closed' each door the moments beforehand were filled with trepidation but after the deed was done a huge wave of relief consumed me and my shoulders felt lighter (if that makes sense). Decisions are rarely set in stone so as Pol says the door doesn't have to be completely closed. If you cancel the appointment saying to yourself that if you feel differently in a few months you can make another appointment you may find that you feel much better about it or you may find that it actually makes you decide to make things final. Looking after yourself is ultimately the most important thing and whatever you choose to do you will always have the support of other FF members to help you through    

Amanda xx


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hiya Jill

Hugs for you       in this difficult situation. Yes, I recognise the feelings of relief too - whilst I was heartbreakingly sad at giving up the goal of being a mummy I just don't think I or we could have taken much more. I had delivered my soul to infertility and was a crazy woman believing anything anyone told me would work   I look back now and think "Goodness"! We only had one go at IVF too - it was such a failure that we were advised not to try again.....
You can only do what feels right for you and I send you much courage for making your decision.

Got to rush, but didn't want to ignore your post......

S
X


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

Dear J, Amanda and S

thank you SO much for your lovely words of support and advice - your messages gave me a lovely warm feeling. Tell you something, FF has really taught me what solidarity is all about!

I had a good talk with my best friend tonight and she said exactly what you did J - about not closing the door all together, which makes perfect sense. IF just wipes out any element of control we have over our lives doesn't it - and to see how strong you've all been in making the decision to take back that control ... well, that's amazing.

You know, I haven't sent the email yet ( ) - but it's like this stubborn part of my brain won't do it! But the sensible part of me, and more importantly, my instinct, is telling me - just like you said Amanda - that this isn't meant to be. Part of me is even a little bit worried that if we went again, it _might _ work!!! Cos I've been thinking so much of all the wonderful places we are going to visit and the life changing volunteer work we'll do!

Ho hum - maybe I am just finally losing my marbles... 

I know something for sure though - happiness comes from within. Spending my life chasing something that will supposedly 'make' me happy is not for me.

Thanks again for your lovely messages

love and light
Jill x


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

Lexey - thanks for your support!

I've emailed barcelona and told them I'm not ready to start more treatment yet... we were gonna start in July and I think the pressure of it being so soon was part of what was sending me so doolally!

I'm going to do what Pol suggested - I'm leaving the door open. We are going to IM for the consultation and to get a feel for the place, but that's all.

If in a few months we feel like we should give it another go, at least we've done that initial visit and can crack on with it. But at the moment, well, it's so nice not worrying about it!

take care everyone
love jill x


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi Jill

Am so pleased you managed to send the email and find such a great solution   It was really nice to 'hear' the relief in your post too hon  

Amanda xx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello 

Glad you're feeling more settled!  Enjoy the freedom  

Do keep in touch and let us know how you get on!  

Jx


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

Your feelings are very natural and you are not alone. I felt exactly the same as you, At the end of the day you need to take care of you too and in your heart you will know whats right even though its a very hard decison.

I am now on my third IVf attempt using egg donation, after the first time it took me a long time to be normal again as I felt like I had a mask on all day for other people and no one could see the real pain i was in.

After the first time I looked at adoption which I believe is a wonderful thing but something was niggling at me at eventually went to IM. I am now on 2ww and after this if its a BFN i may decide my time for IVF is over too i am not sure yet if i can say goodbye.

I think saying goodbye to IVF in a way is harder that starting it as when is enough IVF  the answer will depend on what righj for you.

Take time and think about other goals you wnat in your life , you right IVF changed me too and on reflection i dont know the person i was during my first IVF its like an obsession now i am trying to look at what i have got rather than what i have not got which is hard to do.

Life does seem unfair and I hope you feel better soon and find the happiness you derserve

good luck in whatever you do

jenny


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello again!

That idea of looking at your goals idea definitely makes a lot of sense to me with hind sight.  I think when we 'decided it was time to start a family' I cleared everything else out of my life.  I wanted to give everythign to my children, so I felt it was time to do away with my own dreams and ambitions and that I had to just go with whatever life threw at me.  Only then it threw the one thing I wasn't expecting: no children!!  After our second IVF we decided this was not right for us, but didn't know where to go from there.  We were away on a singing holiday and spent loads of time just floating around in the pool (too hot to be out of it!) and tentatively tried out what it felt like if we started to daydream again and think about the future without children in a very vague way.  When you are ttc you can't think about the future because you hope / expect that any minute now you won't be able to keep plans you've made.  And as it starts to be harder you tend to feel that making any plans is kind of a betrayal of that much-wanted child - at least that is how we felt - so when my mum said 'oh well, if you don't get pregnant you could come sailing with us' that was the one thing I really didn't want, even though before I'd have enjoyed something like that.  It took us a long time, or at least that's what it felt like at the time, in reality about 18 months, but I now have new ambitions for myself, and am at last really excited about the future, not feeling like I'm living a 'second best' life, and I think my husband feels the same - not quite so much as fatherhood isn't quite the disruption that pregnancy and motherhood are, and he wasn't expecting to have to give up his job / career ambitions (I work in event management so it wouldn't have been possible to continue) - but he's certainly happy to have his real wife back  

Good luck!

Jx


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

hello lovely ladies!

well we are back from our trip to Barcelona... what a cooool city that is eh?  It's got such a wonderfully laid back, boho, it's-3pm-why-don't-we-have-a-jug-of-sangria? feel to it. Fantastic!

we went to IM and had our consultation. I was pretty bowled over by how attentive and organised they were! We explained that we weren't ready yet to start treatment and they were fine with that (I didn't mention that we might never be ready!! I guess I wanted them to be nice to us!)

and, y'know, I feel...GOOD about the decision we made and what we've done! I've given myself a bit of a safety net - and in turn that safety net has freed me up to become a normal human being again. 

Phewee!!

Life is hectic enough at the mo... my Gran is very poorly and has just had to go into a home... it is nice to feel like I can focus my energies on her rather than getting in such a state over myself.

take care everyone... 

lots of love
Jill x


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

Glad appoitment went well, your right staff are very nice there especially Maria who is my personal assistant.

I hope you are feeling better - remember be nice you yourself

Jenny


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## mittens (May 3, 2008)

Ladies

You are just what I have been looking for. And your posts have made me cry, partly with relief. 

My husband and I have been told that we are highly unlikely to have our own child - 2 disasterous icsi attempts. They say the next option is donor egg or donor sperm - but something in me is holding me back. 

I feel its just another step on this medical treadmill that I have not control over, because I feel if I dont go for this route I might regret it or more likely that I no longer have a right to mourn the loss of a child if there is still a door open for me. 

I am starting to seriously doubt myself, surely I should be running back to the clinic to try donor in case it works, but I just dont feel like that. I am just not sure I can go through with it. 

I think the analogy of the balloon is so spot on. Do I let go of the string now?

I wonder does everyone do donor - or do people draw the line at not having their own. 

Sending you all much love, such extremely brave and impressive women

Mittensx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Mittens!

I'm sorry I'm in a real rush, so haven't time to write a proper post, but just wanted to say, everyone certainly doesn't go the donor route - it just isn't right for everyone! In fact in my experience it isn't something many people do at all (although partially because many people are fortunate enough not to have to). I have a close friend who soldiered on treatment after treatment with a very bad prognosis despite being told she should be going for donor eggs, and eventually she did manage to 'complete' her family with two little ones, whereas I stopped after two treatments - neither of us would consider donor eggs or sperm, as it just didn't provide the solution that we needed for our own families. You may have already seen it, but if not, Sonybear and I were discussing this at more lenght on http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=196564.0

Anyway, glad that you feel you are finding some support from our company! Sending you big  for the very difficult place you are in at the moment.

Jx


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Jill - I'm so glad that your appointment went well, it sounds as if you are in a much calmer place and the visit was helpful. Yes, Barcelona is a great city isn't it? I hope that your Gran is doing OK.

Hi Mittens, just wanted to send you some hugs    to help you through the difficult place you are at......using donor eggs/sperm is a very personal decision just like any other kind of treatment. We had one go at IVF and were advised not to try again unless we went down the donor route. After discussions we decided to stop our quest for a child - we had been through enough already and tbh I'm not sure our relationship would have taken any more treatment at the time. I have always felt that as long as I find out as much as I can about each option, then I can make an informed decision.....

Sending you both much courage....

S
X


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Keep listening to your heart. Small decisions are made by the brain but big ones ALWAYS by the heart. I hope you find your way to happiness - and that can be all sorts of places, not just with kiddies.
Bernie xxx


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

hello girlies  

Mittens - it's so hard isn't it?? I hope you manage to come to some sort of conclusion you can feel peaceful with... I've rather nifftily put all my concerns on hold! But, believe me, because I haven't been brave enough to properly draw a line under all this, it's still there... lurking like a nasty meany monster on the horizon  

Anyhow, hope you're all okidoki. It's the weekend so hurray! I'm about to take the dogs out now it's cooled down a bit.

take care
Jill x


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