# Unable to go on?



## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

Been TCC for 4 years. Went through Clomid treatment for 6 months then clomid and metformin for another 6months. Was putting on the waiting list for IUI and 14 months later began treatment. Had my first IUI and first BFN this weekend. Although I knew in my heart it hadn't worked I was still devasted. Been sent home from work because 'my mood is affecting the team', nice, and i'm home alone, can't stop crying, wondering if I can put myself through this again, or whether I should just accept the inevitable. I know some people think 'at least you have some hope' but sometimes, like right now, i'm wondering if hope is such a good thing, because it can be dashed, and devastatingly so. I feel so lonely and trapped in this pain. Both my sister and brother have been unable to conceive and are living child-free, but I don't know if I can face that. I never followed a career because this is all I ever wanted,so I feel that I have nothing else to strive for. But I just don't know if I can face this devastation again. I know people have been through a lot worse, and i'm sorry to moan. I just don't know where else to turn right now.


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## siheilwli (Jan 18, 2006)

Don't apologise for being hurt. It's really hard going through this stuff. 

I have done 3 months on clomid, 1 IUI, 1 IVF, 1 ICSI, which we converted to FET this cycle because of no fertilisation - and it's so tough.  The only thing I would say is that when you do IVF or ICSI rather than IUI you find out much more about what your problem might be... and how it can be tackled, unless of course you know that already.  The one thing that gave me hope was thinking that I will be a mother sometime and somehow - there are many options open for us... 

but take time to grieve over this loss, because it is a form of loss, and it's totally unfair,
C
x


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## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

I just can't help but wonder what i did to deserve this. I know i'm alone, everyone here is in the same boat. I don't know if i'm strong enough for this.


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## siheilwli (Jan 18, 2006)

Nobody deserves this pain honey, and you're going through the darkest, hardest part of all... 
Doing the treatment is sometimes the easiest part - it's the constant worry about the next step, the decision making and the bit in-between treatments are sometimes the absolute WORST.

I went to see the counsellor in my clinic during one of these times (all clinics should have one) and she was great. It was good just to have someone listening to me, and also just agreeing that it's bl--dy unfair and incredibly painful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.  
C
x


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## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

I always wanted to adopt. I'm thinking maybe that is my calling, so to speak.


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## siheilwli (Jan 18, 2006)

I have felt exactly the same at times, and I know that when I was listening to a book being read on Radio 4 recently "waiting for Daisy" I think it was called... there was a line there where the mother (she went on to adopt) said a good friend of hers gave her the best advice ever...  that this pain will fade, and that she wouldn't feel like this forever. I found that to be a great comfort... that we wont feel this cr*p always.

I think it's good to know that there is another way for you to be the mother you always wanted to be, for me I want a family more than I want to be "pregnant" if you know what I mean... but I'm not ready to give up on my treatment yet.  I find though that the only way I get over these horrible periods is to make a plan about the next step. 

Take care


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## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

Thank you


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## siheilwli (Jan 18, 2006)

good luck with everything. The girls on the boards here are fantastic for any support you need. 
C
x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi hun, i'm so sorry you are feeling this way   i too felt like you and after 6 months of clomid and 2 failed ivf i could not take anymore   but there can be happy endings   lots of ladies go on to have sucessfull treatment but i opted for adoption and i can honestly say that you never forget the pain and sadness that infertility brings but my baby boy has brought me so much happiness and if i had to do it all again to get where i am today i would. If i can help answer any questions on deciding (which only you can do really) or the adoption process feel free to pm and i'll get back to you as soon as i can 

pam xx


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## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

I think me and DH need to good ole chat, but reading all the stories on here fills me with positivity,which is something I have been lacking. His problem is he would like a baby, but it's so unlikely we would get such a young child. I love him so much, it hurts me that I can't give him a child.


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## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hi Lexndan
I just wanted to send you a big    
I understand completely how you feel. I just dont know what to say to make it better  
I too got a BFN from first ICSI last week. I dont honestly know how Ive got through the last week - I started a new job too, so I have been preoccupied during the day (it has been a bit of a saviour to be honest - at least I feel I have a place in the world during the day), but at nightime and last weekend, well I just feel lost   Completely numb. I have cried when I can, but doesnt make me feel a whole lot better. I am just taking it one day at a time. And that is the only advice I can give you - take it one day at a time. And be kind to yourself. I am sure as some of the girls have said - we WILL feel better in time. And stronger. We dont have to make all the decisions right now, today. Try to focus on letting yourself grieve. You will know when you are ready to face the next step, whatever that step will be.
Take care
GG
xxxx


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## lexndan (Nov 29, 2006)

I think that's the hardest thing, work is really quiet at the moment and it's not helping. I got sent home yesterday because I was a bit upset and told to take a couple of days off, and I just feel like every part of my life is falling apart, that my work/job is being affected by this, and that at the end of the day, if the treatment doesn't work, I won't have a child or a job. I am trying so hard not to let it affect work, but it's so tough, and I really worry that i'm going to get a reputation for having time off work for treatment, and for being over-emotional when I am there. This owrrying really doesn't help. It's just a job at the end of the day, but it's all I have outside of my DH (and of course my pupster who I adore).


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## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hello again  
Im sorry you feel so lost. I left my job cos I just couldnt cope with it - had loads of time off, this whole ttc thing really affected my work. Well, and every other part of my life. I had a bit of time off, and now ive gone freelance, which I am much happier with. I dont know what you do as a job, but is there anyway you could have a bit of time out, or look for another position? Sometimes having something else to focus on makes you feel like you are taking control of your life, rather than letting everything happen to you. Theres a whole big world out there, and its there for the taking! If a new job isnt a possibility, how about a new hobby? Or a big day out? If you dont have plans this weekend, maybe you should surprise DH with a big day of fun! It doesnt have to cost a lot if money is a bit tight (I know that feeling well enough especially after racking ICSI up on the credit card  ) - you could visit a museum, go for a picnic and a stroll along a beach, big long doggy walk, a yomp in the hills, the cinema, a date at the first place you met, whatever you fancy. As you have a few days off, you could plan something you would both really enjoy. Warning - lecture coming your way   - I think its important to do something positive in these few days off you have. I know how easy it is to sit and brood over no job/ no baby. Nothing I can say can make it happen for you (or me) but we can try to be strong and move forwards. And gradually we will start to feel better. Doing something practical always helps me stop focusing on the negative - clean those windows, sew those buttons on, paint the garden gate, repot your plants, file your old papers, put your photos in albums, anything to give you a sense of achievement and to take the focus off your sadness for a little while.
Maybe you could also call your clinic to see if they offer a counselling service? Talking things through might help.
Stay in touch, let me know how you get on xxxxx


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