# Maternity leave lunch / baby shower



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

I've got 3 people in my team at work who are pregnant and due before the end of the year.  One went on mat leave last week and luckily I was off sick (my lost baby would have been due at the same time as hers so I found it tough).  Another one is going on mat leave in about 3 weeks and we are going out for a team lunch on her last day.  We are only a small team so I'm going to have to go as there is no way of getting out of it and as they know my situation it'll be too obvious.  I'm going to ask another colleague to take charge of the buying of the present etc as it's too much for me to go baby shopping. I'm just dreading the actual lunch as all my other colleagues are parents apart from the other pregnant one so there will be lots of jokey talk about parenthood and babies and I'll just feel like a lemon just sat there not being able to contribute.  I feel so ashamed and inadequate.  It's not like I can either laugh along knowingly as I have no experience of life with a baby / toddler.  The other day they were joking with the pregnant ones about 'just you wait until you're surviving on 2 hours sleep and covered in sick etc'....and all laughing.  Feel like such an outsider at times but also that I really stand out as they all know I don't have kids so I just feel less of a person as I haven't 'survived on 2 hours sleep for months' etc etc…  Sorry just had to let this out!  I'll then have to do it all again in November when the next one goes on mat leave.  Sometimes I wish I could just work alone and not have to deal with it!  I know I'll find these leaving lunches tough too as it's very much in my face that I should have been on maternity leave myself now and it does make me feel very wobbly.  I'll just have to grit my teeth and try and get through it.


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## pauli (Sep 19, 2016)

Hi magicpillow, I get it, it is so hard on you. Such a shame that there is no way out of it. That would be me thinking hard what excuse I could come up with to avoid it. I have no advice to offer as at my workplace I do not have to face these situations. But I feel that if I were in your position, I would not go to protect myself / my sanity.  I would probably excuse myself at the last minute with an upset stomach or some urgent piece of work that just landed on your desk. Or be honest and tell your team how you feel, how all that baby talk makes you feel uncomfortable being around them, they should understand and they can enjoy lunch without you. Look after yourself xx


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## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Sending you a huge    It’s as though there is an exclusive club. I hate the way we are made to feel like outsiders or less of a person. Events like this make all of us who are struggling or have struggled with infertility feel even worse. 

I agree with Pauli. Can you try and get out of it? Either by telling them directly that it is too hard. If they know your situation, they should be more compassionate. If they can’t show that empathy, then I think you shouldn’t worry too much about what they think. Look after yourself and don’t force yourself to sit through this lunch. If you feel like you ought to go, is there any possibility of just going for a short while. Maybe just at the end for dessert, perhaps some of the baby talk will be over by then.

I hope you find a way that is not too painful for you. xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Why is there no way of getting out of it? 
Surely all your reasons for not wishing to go are completely valid and reasonable people will completely understand why this would be way  to much for u

I had a similar situation in work recently. I just said 'sorry I can't' . People didn't even question it 

I really wouldn't go sorry


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## Leenaj (Aug 12, 2015)

Hi magic...I really wouldn't put myself through it..it's not fair on you. I didn't have a baby shower as I was too scared of things going wrong. I feel I missed out a little but it felt right not to do one for myself..even now I have my little girl I avoid them still because I can't really forget the struggle I went through and how much it hurts to see others pregnant at a drop of a hat. A distance relative of my husband who we see now and then text us to go to baby shower and it's not even something small, they are hiring out a small hall...wtf...I just flatly said no and made some excuse up. I know it's not so easy if your working part of small team but also look after yourself first .


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

I agree don’t feel pressured to put yourself through it, it’s a lot to ask. If they know what you’ve been through they should be able to understand, but if you want an excuse that doesn’t need an emotional/personal explanation I’d be looking for a training course/meetings at another site, working from home due to appointment/boiler service/car at the garage - anything to get you away from it. Or call in sick. 

Completely sympathise with you, if you’re completely naive to infertility I’m sure they’re a lovely experience, but to those of us who struggle they are pure torture. Sending you hugs  
Xx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi Magicpillow

Agree with the other ladies. Just avoid it and protect yourself. 

I know it may sound silly but any way you could change job? Maybe a new environment and challenge will help you.


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Hi ladies.  Thanks so much for all the responses, they really help.  Yes ideally I could avoid it and may look to do that.  It's tricky as there would only be about 5 of us and so it would be quite obvious.  I do community visits so I could always 'over run' on one and not make it back in time although they would probably all work out that I was trying to avoid.  I suppose I'm worrying too much about what they will think and if I will look bitter and not wanting to wish my colleague well.  It's also half a lunch to welcome a new member to our team who also happens to be pregnant but the main focus of it is a send off for the one going on mat leave.  I feel like as well as it being in my face re my infertility and losses, it also reinforces how inadequate I feel and the slight shame I feel regarding my lack of ability to procreate. 

Thanks again, I'm going to see if I can think of a way to miss it or be late.  The colleague whose lunch it is is actually really lovely and understanding about my situation and I think she didn't want too much of a fuss being made as she felt bad about me.  Tricky situation.  One of my male colleagues wouldn't get it at all.  He moans about his kids all the time and would probably say I was lucky or something as I can have lay ins and don't have all the hassle of kids.  I suppose I just think that people won't get it as often they really don't.  They would probably think I was being over the top by avoiding.  Who knows.

Efi re my job, I only started in Jan as I retrained for a new career.  Unfortunately i work in a female dominated profession which is tough.  I feel like working on my own from home or something!  My immediate team is small but in the wider team, pretty much everyone is female, early 30s, just married or getting married etc.  Literally a constant stream of pregnancies argh. 

Thanks ladies for listening to my rants!


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Northern, I could maybe dream up an appointment which requires working from home and then missing the lunch somehow!  I know it'll look obvious but I might give something like that a go.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Magicpillow

It is a very tough and difficult situation to deal with. I think you should find an excuse and who cares what they think. It is very important to protect yourself. 

If it is a female dominated profession then - and i may say again sth stupid but jist trying to help because what you are going through is painful - statistically there should be other women who are either single, go theough fertiliy issues as well. Any chance you could hang out with those so that you can support each other?

I hope that what I m sying doesn’t upset you in any way. I have just been in the same situation you have and the next day I was literally in tears. What helps me are friends that go through the same issues. And in my situation it’s nearly everyone


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## Roxbury1 (Nov 22, 2013)

I have been fortunate enough to have had my babies now, but while we struggled with losses and disappointments I avoided this kind of thing like the plague. You have so much else to deal with that I think anything you can head off is worth it, be kind to yourself. You say you work in a female oriented profession so although I know some predominately girly groups can be *****y on the flip side they might be much more likely to sympathise with your circumstances and be understanding of your reluctance to go? Xx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Ladies thank you all for the advice and support.  The lunch was today and I actually ended up going.  In the end, I found it more stressful to try and come up with an excuse and not go so decided to brave it as we are a small team and I felt like I couldn't easily duck out.  Yesterday I felt fine about it but I had a wobble this morning and felt really teary when I saw one of my colleagues bring in the baby gift bag and balloons.  I suddenly felt like I couldn't do it and confided in a colleague who was really understanding.  In the end I went but we made sure I was sitting at the end of the table in the restaurant so I wasn't in the thick of the baby chat and could opt out of that bit.  It was very hard when she was opening the presents and baby gros but I coped ok the rest of the time.  I think I'd been carrying lots of tension in my body though as my back has been sore this evening and I've had a headache and bad neck.  Amazing how tough things like this can be.  It made me realise I'm still experiencing a great deal of emotional pain which I try and suppress most of the time.


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Well done on being so brave & coping with such a difficult day xxxx

I chatted to you quite bit when you first joined FF & I'm sad that you are still no further along this horrible horrible pathway. Days like today are always going to be hard and I hope that you find someone in your workplace who is able to emphasise in some way & help 'protect' you a little.
From your signature I think you're looking at trying double donation next. That must have been quite hard to reach that choice but from others I met through FF that's going to give you a massive boost in possibilities and hopefully it won't be much longer before I pop by & spy your name on a much happier chat page.
Huge hugs & oodles of baby dust xxxxxx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thank you fififi, that was such a lovely comment.  Really sweet of you.  I can't believe it's been nearly 6 years since we started ttc and I'm so tired of it all.  Finding it hard to summon the motivation at work really as I just want to be at home with a baby. Jealous of those finishing for maternity leave.  I still can't get my head around the fact that people can actually get pregnant naturally and with ease!


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

I too struggle to imagine how it's possible to just start 'thinking' about having a baby & wahay he/she magically starts growing. Even more astonishing is how those people seem to be the ones who want everyone around them to pretty much live their pregnancy with them! Even being in the fortunate position I'm now in its still hard to be alongside people who blink & get a bump.

You will find a way to achieve those dreams & when you do that baby/child will make you happier than any of those pg collegues babies ever could! Xxxx


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