# How did you approach taking the single mum route with parents/family?



## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

All along I've said I'd keep it quiet and just allow my family to form their own assumptions as to how I got pregnant, mainly because they have very strict beliefs and I don't believe for a moment that they will do anything other than get angry at my choice. Babies are only for married couples, not homosexuals, and having a child out of wedlock regardless of your age is awful. It doesn't help that my 21 year old sister is "doing it the right way", and told my mum that she plans on trying for a baby after her wedding next July. 

I can see this going badly, but I feel that maybe I should consider telling my mum and immediate family what I'm doing. I'm sure that once everything calms down it'll be fine. I have no doubt that they will accept the child and all that, I'll have their love and support but just not in my decision to deliberately get pregnant. 

My mum is flying over next week for 10 days, and I'm thinking of telling her all about the last few years, the planning, the counselling, the clinic visits, the adoption and fostering seminars I've been to. I'm hoping that she will somehow understand that this means a lot to me, and that while I know it's not the life that she had planned for me that I'm happy, that I'm aware of the difficult road ahead, I'm not wearing rose tinted glasses and expecting everything to be hunky-dory. 

Plus if she gets really angry she will be flying home a couple of days later and will have calmed down before I see her next!

This has all come about after I finally told my close friends what was going on, and with exception to one person they all gave me a phenomenal response and so much support! I think the other friend would have been happy for me but she's been trying to get pregnant for a while without success so she's probably just a little raw about it. 

I'm expecting my brother to be slightly disapproving but not caring too much since it's my life and doesn't really affect him. I'm expecting my sister to blow a fuse about how unnatural it is, how God doesn't want this of me blah blah blah. She tends to play the religion card to excess. And finally I expect the rest of my family to be shocked, worried about how I'll cope but generally supportive and happy for me.

I just don't know HOW to tell my mum in the first place. I'll probably end up taking her to lunch and bursting into tears, she'll think I'm dying or something awful, and when I tell her the truth she'll secretly be happy that I'm planning on living and we will all live happily ever after?  

Or alternatively, I take her to an adoption seminar with me knowing that she won't like the idea (anti-adoption, long story) and then she'll decide my way is better.

Why am I so scared of people's opinions? It's almost like I expect to need her approval to do something. It's not as if she's going to disown me!

Mostly a rant, I apologise but it was good to get off my chest! I would honestly appreciate stories on how you approached the subject with your nearest and dearest.


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## 32Flavours (Aug 4, 2010)

Writing this reply very quickly as I didn't want to just read and run, but I'm just heading to bed as I've got a 12.5 hour shift tomorrow .

I'm the same age as you (27 next month) and hoping to start trying in the new year. I told my mum about a year ago... I'm afraid I can't remember the specifics of the conversation, but I think I basically just started by saying "you know I don't see myself getting married, I'm really happy single..." and then dropped in that "I'd really like to talk to her about something..." and that I'd been looking into clinics etc to try for a baby. I let her digest the information, ask questions, and then just made sure I really affirmed how much I valued her involvement. I stressed how important it is to me to have her approval and support, that I really want her and my Dad involved in the whole process - not just once the child is born - and, once she'd said she'd support me in whatever I decide, I said how grateful I was because I understood it wasn't easy.

My mum was obviously thrown by it, and it definitely took a while for her to realise that this was the path I'd be taking, and to get her head round all the ins and outs of it! My Dad also knows now and is onboard with it (he is another kettle of fish though  ). I feel very lucky as they've both been wonderful - my mum even visited potential clinics with me a few months ago. 

In short don't think there's an easy way to tell family/anyone really, except to be honest and open, and to let them know just how much you want them to be a part of it too. Wishing you lots of luck - let us know how it goes if you decide to go ahead and tell her, and if you ever want to chat my inbox is open   xxx


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Thank you so much 32Flavours! I think I'm going to have to tell her, only because it's the lesser of two evils - if I just suddenly become pregnant she'll probably have a worse reaction. My mum's not too open minded about some things so this will be an interesting conversation...

She's actually flying over this weekend so hopefully some time in the next week I will tell her. I've got a dr's appointment next week and it would be nice for her to either come with me for moral support or for me to at least be able to talk to her about it afterwards.


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## Arkay (Mar 23, 2012)

Hi Polita,

I think you're right to tell your mum before you actually start the treatment, and like 32Flavours said, let her know you want her to be involved.  Invite her to go to the Dr's with you.  My mum came with me when I got all the fertility tests done and came along to my antral follicle count scan...I thought it was a bit weird that she wanted to see my ovaries...but she was really excited!  

You know your parents will love and support you once the child is born, so that's great.  It might just mean a few awkward conversations beforehand whilst they get their head round the idea, but it's probably just worth biting the bullet and telling them sooner rather than later.  I wonder if they might feel a bit left out if you don't tell them about it until you get your BFP?  I also wonder if it's good training for dealing with potentially awkward conversations with potentially less understanding friends/colleagues/child's friends' parents/etc. in the future.   The more we talk about it openly with people, the easier it becomes to talk about it matter of factly with people that might not approve maybe?

I told my parents and brother as soon as I had the thought of doing IVF.  I suppose I wasn't really expecting them to be surprised, I could imagine a slight rolling of the eyes and a shrug of the shoulders with a comment like 'well, that's Rachel for you...' after I told them (over the phone as I too live in a different country to them).  I haven't yet told anyone else in my family yet, I decided to wait until I see them at Christmas.  I have more concerns about telling them than my parents because my aunt's family are Catholics and my uncle's family are born again Christians, but, like you, I'm safe in the knowledge that I know they will love and support me and my child in any way they can, but I'm expecting a few ethical discussions with them over re-heated turkey  although we're the kind of family that like that kind of discussion anyway and I know I can hold my own against them so I'm quite looking forward to it really.   I've decided to let them know I'm pregnant in their Christmas cards, but not get into the details until I see them face to face.

Good luck with your mum next week.  I hope after telling her you can spend some fun time with her thinking and talking about her future grandchild.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

I agree that it's good to tell your mum before you get pg. I didn't tell my parents and only told them when I was about 10 weeks pregnant and it was a total nightmare. At first my mum took it ok and said that it could be worse as I could be a prostitute    but once she'd had time to think she got mad, very, very, very mad. She was hurt that I hadn't told her before. I included her as much as I could in the pregnancy, she came to scans and major appointments and was there at the birth and she loves my two a lot but I know that she's still upset that I didn't tell her what I was doing.


bingbong x


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

i told my mum before i started treatment but had already had tests etc- i was so nervous - i rang her up and told her i'd had some tests and it suggested that my fertility was declining so i didnt have time to wait so i had decided to have a baby on my own .... slight bend to truth as i decided to go it alone before tests but i am so glad i did- she was really shocked and it took alot of coming to terms with but she was really supportive - my dad hated the idea but was happy to support me as he realised i had researched it properly- it makes me so happy now to see them enjoying their grandchild- her conception is long forgotten!


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