# WHY IS THIS SO HARD ?



## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi ladies - just need to vent and ramble and maybe get some advice. It appears I am having a bad day ! 
I have just started a second round of counselling and am finding it hard going - I have reached the point now where I know I have to move on and let go of my dream - it is just so damn hard    I am really trying to move forward and remain positive and try to find another focus - I just feel so empty right now - and stupid as if I am going mad    The last couple of months I have found myself overeating - I know it's an emotional response - but I am struggling to control it - If anyone has any advice it would be most welcome. 
I am trying to focus on other things and have taken up gardening - trying to grow vegetables - the snails and slugs are having a feast !!!   I am determined not to end up a miserable old bat all bitter and twisted but it feels like such a long battle - How do I even begin to fill the void that is left ?? 
Today I am just so tired, I am struggling to do anything - which is not good as I have dh's family coming tomorrow and have to tidy up - My endo is playing up and AF is on her way which clearly isn't helping !
I am sorry to ramble and rant - I am sooo angry with myself   I want the fun loving happy woman back   


Hope all you ladies are ok love karenann xx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Karenann,

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, hon.   
I wish I knew the answer to your question but I suppose it is because it's such a big part of us as women and it's about the future, which we won't have. Hormones don't help, I went through a real patch of crying and raging every time I had a period, especially while I still nursed a tiny amount of hope that IT would happen naturally. 
I don't know how to 'accept' it; I haven't accepted it and won't while there's any chance we could do something about it but the problem in our case is money. What I've found you do have to try to do is accept where you are now. That means trying to accept how you feel, as well, moment by moment and not fighting your feelings. If you do, they only get worse. 
There was a programme on ITV last night, which I didn't watch, the title was enough! I wish the public and these producers would get it into their skulls that some of us didn't leave having children so 'late' out of choice! In my case, I only had my twenties before my health collapsed and I didn't happen to have a crystal ball at the time...
It also makes me furious because men have never had this problem and never will. Look at Elton John!
I grow veggies, too and it does help because it's outside and it means I'm doing something physical, not mental (though it's not easy to switch the unending thoughts off). I know what you mean about the battles with pests; in our case we have rabbits and pigeons, as we're in the country and though I do like seeing the rabbits on the field, I don't feel so kind towards them when I discover they've stripped my salad down to the ground, which is what they've just done! I'm veggie but thoughts of rabbit pie suddenly become attractive!   
Don't be hard on yourself, you can't help how you are feeling. Try and take some rest, if you can. Then you can join me in the battle of the veggie patch again!  

Rowanxxx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

hi ladies
we also got lucky & got an allotment - funnily enough just after the final ICSI failed. I do find it helps as I have always found pottering in the garden helps.
I have some better days, then some bad ones again - you're right it is bloody hard.
Work is exhausting/stimulating in equal measures; but I feel like something has got to change. My sis tried ivf (now has adopted) and has told me that to move on you need to change something in yuor life - she left work & retrained. I'm not sure about this - we tried moving house; tried ICSI; I'm scared of keeping on failing at things.

I think we need space to have worse days or feel glum, I try hard to move on & the counselling helps, but no wonder it is really really difficult still sometimes. 

I'm really struggling with some of my friends who I know care about me but it seems a big taboo to ask me how I;m feeling with all the if stuff - it was only a few months ago and they know all about it. I feel like I need one of those cards you have if you've got illness/special needs
"I've tried & failed at IVF - this is how you need to treat me; this is how you can help".

Overeating - am also struggling with this; having put on weight with all the dodgy hormones, and then hurt my leg which meant i couldn't exercise for ages, just feeling blobbier & more & more horrible. I think you shouldn't deny yourself things you enjoy at this stage - but would some more exercise help maybe as you also get the endorphins/stress reliever hormones from that!? Am telling you what i should be doing myself though - I need to get back up the gym asap!

love to you all, keep on growing those goodies. 
xx


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Ladies

Big    to you all. 

It is so very hard isn't it . I am just coming up to 2 years on from last ICSI and i can't say as i feel any better now. I think outwardly i probably seem better to people but inside the hurt and lonliness is still the same . I don't want to make any of you feel any worse but i don't think that will ever change for me.

The only thing i haven't tried properly is counselling which i am looking into now and who knows if that may help 

I wish you all lots of   and love and i hope the pain eases for all of you one day.

Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## ktt1 (Nov 4, 2008)

Hello. 
I just thought I'd join in too, if that's ok. I saw the start of this thread and wanted to reply because I keep thinking that too. It is so bloody hard. I have just come to the end of IVF. Our last frosties were put back at the start of May and we had a BFN 2 weeks ago. We said at the start we'd try 3 times, mainly because we thought it was the best thing to do and the doctors were so optimistic. 
I took time off for this last go and went back to work yesterday and seem to be OK. I am absolutely devastated about the treatment not working, the sacrifices we've made, the friends I can't talk to, and how awful it's all been, but surprisingly I am still ok and so is DH. We have moved house and have a lovely big garden which I'm growing veg in. I enjoyed work today. I feel happy when the sun shines. I don't know how, but I am keeping going. I still feel unbelievable sad about what we can't have and I don't know what we'll do next, and there are all sorts of things I'm dreading - seeing friends with children, seeing my younger sister who accidentally got pregnant, talking to my parents who don't know what to say... but most of the time I'm OK as long as I don't think about it. So, I hope you all will be ok too, and just wanted you to know you're not on your own, and to those of you who are going for counselling, well I have a lot of respect. I tried it a while ago and just can't face it again. Lots of hugs to everyone.   
Katherine X


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