# Surrogate miscarriage, feeling lost



## scottsmrs (Apr 30, 2013)

Our wonderful surrogate miscarried last week at 9 weeks pregnant.  She is well in herself, scans showed it was a complete miscarriage.  Originally she said she wanted to wait 2-3 months to try again, then she said she wanted to try straight away, now shes gone quiet.  I know its very very early days for all of us.  She has a new man who doesn't approve, doesn't want her doing it at all.  He had said he would stand by her even though he didn't approve, now shes gone quiet obviously we're thinking hes trying to change her views.  I feel completely lost, I feel as if I have no idea what I should be doing.  At least while we were trying I had some control over things, now I  feel as if I have no control over anything.


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom..... Just couldn't read and run. 

Xxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Oh Hun, I'm so sorry.  When you've already been through the mill and moved on to surrogacy then life throws more crap at you... you just don't deserve it.

When did you last speak to your surro? If she's anything like mine, she'll be feeling like she's let you down and will be grieving for you. Is it possible for you to send her a message saying you want to talk to her as I think you really need each other at this time so you can grieve together. You do also need to know what's happening moving forward as if she doesn't want to continue with you, she needs to let you know as soon as possible so you can start the search for someone else.

Big, big hugs to you. It's a horrible situation and if it were me, I'd be pushing her for a chat as it's only fair.


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Big  for your loss. 

It's very early days and I am sure she will be grieving too. It may even be that the impact of the loss on her has opened up some emotional concerns for her (i.e. how she will feel giving the baby over when it is born) and she needs time to work things out in her head. 
I would send her a nice note, letter or email just to say thank you to her for all her help so far and that you understand she is also grieving and that you don't blame her for the loss at all and understand she needs some time and space. Remind her that you are here if she needs you, and you will support her in any way you can and with any decisions she makes. And then say you don't want to contact her all the time as you don't want her to feel flustered/pressured but ask that she keep in contact with you no matter what.

I would then leave it at that for now. She will no doubt contact you in time. I think you probably ought to "plan" in your head at least a 3 month break just to manage your own expectations a bit. If it's less than that, fab, but if she hasn't contacted you in that time I think you would be well justified to contact her just to see how she is. 
I also think it might be worth managing your expectations in case she pulls out altogether. I would not go so far as to say arrange another surrogate, but there is nothing to stop you looking at the possibilities out there as a "just in case". I am fairly certain that she will understand that you cannot wait forever for her to heal if things go on too long. 

C~x


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