# Am I being unreasonable?



## cosmicgrrl (Aug 19, 2007)

Hi everyone

Both my wife and I agreed that I would be the one to get pregnant and carry the babies.  I have been through endless IUI and 2 failed IVF and have not managed to get pregnant.
The docs say there is no reason for this.  However we have now run out of money and can no longer afford treatment for me!
My wife has now decided to try herself with known donors (joint decision of course).  We have been trying but as yet are unsuccessful.  
So what is the problem you ask?  Well it is the emotions I am feeling that I cannot seem to shake off.  You would expect me to be glad that we have another alternative in my wife trying but I feel 'abandoned' and useless.  I also feel that I have been pushed aside.
I cannot reitterate enought that this is NOT how my wife is making me feel, she has been nothing but supportive but I am worried that this feeling will not go away and it will effect out future.

I do not know anyone in my situation and therefore find it difficult to talk to other people as they think I am selfish.  I only hope that someone out there has had the same feelings and that I am not going mad!.

Any help would be greatly received.
Helen x


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## kooks1 (Aug 24, 2006)

*hi cosmic grrl, just saw your post and wanted to say i dont think you are being unreasonable at all. i think it is a very hard situation you are in. i have two sets of lesbian friends who have been in the situation of trying to concieve through donor sperm.

the first couple used a known donor - one had already had a hysterectomy and therefore they didn't have to choose who had the baby, i think their situation was alot easier as they didnt have any decision to make in that way - and the one who carried the baby was the bigger earner so she went back to work and her partner stayed at home to look after their lovely boy.

however the other couple - they were in a similar situation to you, they decided one of them would have the baby - after several attempts she bacame pregnant, however they had made the decision that if that one didnt work the other partner would try. i think the fact that she had decided she would try next was hard to cope with - as she had become prepared to try herself if that makes sense? so although she was really happy when they were sucessful - i think she struggled with the fact that she wasnt going to carry her child. consequently (and i dont know how much was to do with other stuff) they actually split up before the baby was born 

i hope by telling you this story it doesn't upset you more - i suppose i am tryinv to say - that your feelings are completely normal, and i think it will take some time for you to get to grips with them. you and your wife need to talk lots and make sure you both know how the other one feels.

i have never been in the situation myself so i have no way of knowing how you feel - but i have been in a situation where i have been ttc for a number of years unsucessfully and had started to feel some of those feelings you described (useless etc.). i felt like my husband would hate me cos i couldnt concieve a child for him. i felt like i wasn't a 'real' woman. that i was imperfect - cos i couldnt do the most natural thing in the world - get pregnant!

i do hope you get through it cosmicgrrl. do lots of talking, it sounds like your wife is very supportive - so i am sure you will get through it together. i wish you all the sucess *


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## duff (May 26, 2006)

Hi Helen,

You're not being unreasonable at all.  As Kooks says, your feelings are perfectly normal.  

My partner and I tried for about 6 years with her and are now trying with me and I know she is still sad that she will never get pregnant.  Even though she's happy that we have my womb etc as an alternative, I don't think she will ever really get over the loss of not getting pregnant herself.  I don't know that it's the kind of thing that anyone else can make alright either.  I mean, there's nothing I could say or do to fix it.  It's just what it is.  I don't think it's going to affect our future.  I know my partner will be a terrific Mum regardless of whose womb a child happened to be carried in, but it's just one of those things I guess we have to live with.


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## Tonia2 (Oct 30, 2005)

Hi Helen - 
I have to agree with the others - I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think it's perfectly understandable what you are feeling.   Be gentle on yourself and allow youreslf to grieve that which you've lost - because it is a very definate loss! It's a loss of all those hopes and dreams that you had about carrying a child; and this kind of thing is intimately tied up with how we see ourselves, hence the feeling useless and so on. 
It might help you if you had someone you could freely talk to about how you're feeling, so as you don't get caught up and stuck in it- grieving forever more -someone who understands that it is a significant loss for you - if not a counsellor (you may not feel you need to go that far), at least a good friend who has a bit of sensitivty and wisdom, and who can affirm how you're feeling and help you process some of it objectively. 
Take care
Love Tonia
PS feel free to keep posting too!! It's nice to hear from newbies!!


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## duff (May 26, 2006)

You know, I'm really glad this subject has come up here - thanks Helen.  For ages I really didn't understand what my partner was going through.  I really thought that doing it with me just fixed everything and made it alright.  I couldn't really understand it at all.  She used to get upset sometimes about how much effort I was putting into me getting pregnant compared to how much I did with her.  I don't know if this is true, but it's the way she saw it.  I suppose I'm obviously more involved now it's me with things like wee tests and timing etc.  Anyway, we've spoken about it loads over the last few months and I can see where she was coming from.  

I have some friends in a similar situation.  They have children which one of the partners carried but, even now, the other partner still grieves that loss.


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Hi Helen,

I can really understand what you must be feeling - I think it's really quite common in lesbian couples, and I know we've been through quite a few ups and downs with this issue. When we initially started trying we both wanted to get the chance to carry at some point, but we started trying with my partner as she is 10 years older and had significantly less time left on the biological clock. Several years down the line she seems to be in perfect fertile health since apart from her age but two years of trying with her brought us one early miscarriage and nothing more. I have PCOS and Endo, so we always knew there might be more medical issues, but we seem to have finally managed to find a way through that as you can see from my signature.

When we were trying with my partner I knew I'd struggle if and when she got pregnant as it's something I've always wanted to do so much myself. I started writing a journal as a way to document my feelings and find some support and I did find it hard, but then I knew we'd always get to try with me at some later date, even though we had no idea if we'd be successful because of my diagnosed conditions. That helped, as I made contact with a number of other 'non-bio-mums' and was able to really get to see the positive aspects of that side of things. My partner never had quite as strong an 'urge', but now is very much at the point where she feels she might not want us to try with her at all again, for a variety of reasons. Strangely, I find this quite distressing, more so than I ever expected I would, I think because I now know what going through pregnancy is really like and I so wish she could have the experience too (plus the fact that I think a child that is biologically hers would be the cutest thing in the world). So it's interesting for me, as the situation has reversed and I appear to be struggling with it more than she is, even though I'm the one getting my own biological pregnancy urges satisfied. I've also been acutely aware throughout this pregnancy that she might be missing out on things and try to include her as much as possible - sometimes more than I think she feels she needs in fact. I know I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and give her as much of the experience as I can as I think if the situation were reversed that that is what I'd want. It's easy to forget that we're all different and the her needs and wishes might well be (and actually are in fact) different to what mine would be. It's only by communicating about all of this as much as possible that we managed to find the levels that work for us both.

I do think the idea of getting some more support to help you through your grieving would be great - and this kind of forum is a great place to start. I know that if you were planning to adopt, most adoption agencies would want at least a year to pass between your last attempt to conceive and the onset of the adoption process so that you had time to do that grieving, letting go and moving on to something new, and many do suggest some kind of counselling through that time. Even though your situation is different, you'll still have do that whole letting go and moving on thing, and that might take time. 

Please don't feel you're being selfish, or that here's anything wrong with what you're experiencing. I have no doubt that I would struggle in very similar ways if I was in your shoes. 

Welcome to this forum. I wish you the very best with it all.

Gina x


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## evelet (Sep 27, 2005)

i can only imagine the sense of loss you must feel after the horrendous-ness of loads of IUIs and 2 failed IVFs. We were so so lucky as my partner got pregnant really quickly the first time and relatively quickly this time and we still found the awfulness of ttc almost too hard to take. I never (and still don't) had the strong urge to carry a baby. Jude is my son and feels like his totally and utterly is a part of me. I can't imagine feeling more strongly about my bio-child. I can't think that it would be possible to love a child any more than I love him. The first 6 months did have their challenging moments though. I would like to have had the closeness of breastfeeeding. Ros didn't really take to expressing and we didn't want to use formula. I am definitely going to give the next baby a bottle a day if I can though and I would consider using formula if she couldn't express enough. Apart from that breastfeeding connection I think the difference between us as mothers has more to do with the fact that I work full time and Ros is a stay-at-home-mum than anything else. And that's a whole different issue.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that of course you need to grieve for a child you were not able to conceive. But, if you partner is successful in ttc and makes you a baby then you will love it and cherish it just as much as a baby you carried yourself. I hope you are able to get some mental peace. TTC is undoubtedly one of life's all time most stressful experiences..


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Hi, hope you don't mind me butting in here!

I am 40 and adopted and have talked endlessly about IF with my mum - it's funny (not in a hilarious way though!!) that we're in the same situation - but she says that even though she's so glad she's got me, she still wonders what it would have been like to have her own child & she's 68!

So I guess when you've expected it to happen, it's impossible for those thoughts to ever really leave - it's perfectly normal, you just have to find your own way of making them "manageable" & I guess if your wife has a baby that will go some way towards helping.

I've just had my 4th BFN from icsi & feel so crap that I've let my DH down again - the thought that if he was with a younger model he would be a dad is soooo painful at times so I have to force myself not to think it or I'd go  

Good luck - really wish you all the very best!


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