# Another Home Visit "grilling"



## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Ladies

Me and DH have just surfaced after a 2 hour Home Visit. It is a competitive match with 1 other couple.

We feel that this is a really good match for us, but it was so hard. If this doesn't work out, I have no idea how I am going to continue on the adoption journey, as I don't think I can face another Home Visit and the grilling you get. We've read quite a few CPRs and this little one is perfect for us. DH was really upset too.

How do you carry on when stuff like this happens?

love Bluebells xx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Firstly big  and I hope that this is the one for you 

It is horrible as we invest so much time in the process only to have people grilling us to see if we are "right"

I see you are in east anglia, I am also so you might be in same LA 
x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya blue

i dont have any advice to offer unfortunately but just wanted to send u a massive   i can only imagine how difficult it must be. 

hope you get the good news you deserve soon,  keep us posted. x x x x x x x x x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I also have no words of wisdom as once matched with our children that was it there were no other couples or competerive matching.

i am sure you sold yourselves well and i hope and pray this is for you, finger crossed, when will you know the outcome  

Love
Andrea
xxxxxxxxx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks for the hugs and good wishes. It's nice to let of steam to people who understand what we are going through.

We will find out in just over a week. Will keep you posted.

love Bluebells xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

this competitive matching is so hard for couples, really hope this is the one for you and it all works out..just remember if this child is the one then it will work out, if it isnt then they werent meant to be with you and your child is out there still..its really hard to believe that but try hard to 
the 'is this the one' feelings/ reading CPRS etc is really hard work, i found it a really stressful time..and you need time to rest in between links, then you're up and ready for the next one when it comes along..i know this link is hot on the heels of the last one so you are prob extra worn out..

kj x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

It must be so gutting to get so far only to be knocked back to square one - I so don't agree with these competitive matches, the hurt and pain they cause to waiting couples is just unfair    BUT you're not out of the running yet, if you feel this LO is a good match then i'm sure sw thought so too   and i'm sure you 'sold' yourselves to them.

KJ is right you need time to lick your wounds after each link, even if it's you who decide not to go ahead - We were linked to an 8 month old in the early days and turned him down for a variety of reasons but that stayed with me for a long time.

I hope and pray the right decision is made for you


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks Kemmjay and Wynnster. You're right, 2 competitive matches in a row has been hard. We decided against the first match, but this one is different, we want to be chosen. Also, we have both been reading adoption books every day for the last 2 weeks, compiling lists of questions, etc so it has been pretty full on.

I didn't get much sleep last night, what with the heat and turning over and over in my head something that was said about me.
The annoying thing is that it isn't true, but they latched on to it for some reason and because I was confused as to why it was in my notes, I don't think I coped with the situation very well. DH and our SW said I did really well, but if we fail, I will always blame myself.

If this doesn't work out, I really don't think I can carry on with adoption any more… much as I want to be a Mummy.  

Bluebells xxxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

bluebells, you CAN carry on hun, it just doesnt feel like it right now..you are totally worn out mentally, all this reading and swotting, and the heat at the mo is very draining...
i can really remember how it felt with links, it consumes you totally..
just be kind to yourself at the moment 

kj x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Sorry to read you are having such a tough time, It's such a rollercoaster, and I don't think social services ever really understand the strain.

Hope this is the one for you, and that your dreams come true; and if its not this time, I hope you find some peace and strength to battle the next.


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya bluebells

sorry ur having a tough time.  really hope u get good news soon.

take care of urself. x x x x x x xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Bluebells

Sorry to read you have had another grilling (((HUGS)))  TBH, I really don't see why they need to do competitive matches when they have your life history etc in the form f.  They should have enough info from that and talking to your Sw to get a good feeling as to whether its right or not before even having to meet potential adopters.

I know its hard but if this is the right child for you it will all work out right, if it doesn't then your child IS still out there just taking a bit longer to find you.  If you need to you will find the strength to keep going but I hope this turns out to be your LO.

OT x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi

I managed to get myself into a positive mood by the end of last week, but the last couple of days have been so hard. We keep seeing other people with children of a similar age when we are out and about.

Can't bear this waiting, it's such a long wait, but then again in some ways I don't want tuesday evening to come in case it is not the news we want to hear. Ten and a half years has been a long wait to be a mummy, but this last week has seen like the same time again.

Every morning I am waking up and then remembering what is happening.

We have decided to go to the coast on wednesday, whatever the outcome, to just get away from it all.

Bluebells xxxx


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Bluebells

Just wanted to say  for Tuesday Evening  you get the news you want to hear and  to help give you the strength to carry on towards your dream of being a mummy whatever happens! 

Axxxx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks Amanda. All the good luck wishes and hugs like yours are helping so much.
Bluebells xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

bluebells

i will be thinking about you tomorrow.  look forward to hearing from you    


lots of love camly x x x x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks Camly.
We should find out around 6pm, but are rushing off to a gig afterwards, so may not have time to post on here until we are back or tomorrow morning.
So nervous now!

Bluebells xxx


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

bluebells  
xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Good luck bluebells you know I have everything crossed for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let us know as soon as you can!!

Love Andrea
x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

We weren't chosen 

We're going to take some time off from adoption to decide whether we want to carry on.

At the moment we wish we'd never started the adoption process. I've already shed enough tears with ttc, ivf and now this and can't face it any more.

Bluebells xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

ohhh bluebells I am so so sorry it wasn't to be  

but please give yourself a little time to recover as I know your forever family is out there for you  

xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Bluebells ((((HUGS))))

I'm so sorry this wasn't the match for you, competitive matching must be so hard and I think really unfair - as though people haven't been through enough already!

I really hope you decide to stick with adoption, I'm sure your family is out there trying to find you, but I can understand you needing time out.

Be kind to yourself, go on holiday if you can and recharge.

Love
OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Oh Bluebells, I'm so sorry that this wasn't meant to be.  

I remember feeling exactly as you describe, just had enough of all the pain and after losing DS we felt that we would never carry on, there would never be another child like DS BUT after time out to dust yourselves down and mend your hearts you will see how you can carry on.  At the moment i'm sure you'll feel like your child isn't out there and that you'll never be chosen, but that isn't the case you WILL get there  

Take as much time as you need to accept things and re-assess from there, is it possible to tell your sw you don't want anymore competitive matches?

Thinking of you x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Bluebells- massive 

Please please give your self some time out and dont rush into "giving up"

We are all here for you

xxxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

bluebells, so sorry this wasnt the one for you 
the others have said all the right things,,but just wanted to add, this isnt about YOU being the wrong people, its about getting the right match for the child..and for some reason there was someone who 'matched' better to this child..you will one day be the best 'match' for a special child

 and  

kj x


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

So sorry Bluebells - gutted for you    Reminds me of when we lost out on a small baby just before xmas.

This process sucks and to be honest, it's only my DH that prevents me from making a phonecall to jack it all in.


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## L456 (Sep 2, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear your news Bluebells.  Everyone else has said it all but wanting to send lots of   to you and your DH.
xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

bluebells

i was sorry to read about ur post.    im so very sorry.  we are all here for u when u are ready.  wish we could help.

massive   to u an ur dh.

lots of love camly x x x x x x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Bluebells - so sorry   

CG xxx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

thanks for to everyone for your messages

I woke with very puffy eyes today from balling my eyes out late last night and 4 hours sleep. 

DH took the day off work and we went to the coast to get away from it all. of course there were loads of people with baby boys about (in the Quinny pushchair I have been looking at too  ), so it wasn't easy, but good to have a change of scenery.

I have 2 more days off work to recover and then we will decide what we want to do in the next few weeks. I think competitive matches should be something we refuse to do now if we do carry on, but the trouble is they tend to be for babies, which is what we want really, or children that are younger.

bluebells xx


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

BIG BIG BIG HUGS!      
emsina x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

sorry to read this news....................every one has already offered their hugs and support and I can only do the same and add liek the others have said do not give up........your child may not have even been born yet??

Love#Andrea
x


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## LittleMissJo (Dec 4, 2007)

Hi Bluebells,

I am so sorry to hear your sad news, it is so hard, I feel a bit down today too!

We were matched with a little poppet a couple of weeks ago, 3 SWs came to visit to question us further to see if we are the right couple. I don't think it went well at all, not many questions were asked, I just feel like they had made their minds up before they came round. I keep waiting for the phone to ring now    just want to know 

Bluebells, I really hope you feel better soon, think positive,  don't give up you will be a mummy to a lovely wee poppet      

Jo


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks for your messages Emsina, Andrea and Jo.

Jo, good luck. Hope you get the news you want. The waiting is so hard isn't it?

Bluebells xx


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## LittleMissJo (Dec 4, 2007)

Thanks Bluebells.

Me and DH are sitting here not being able to concentrate on anything really, I wish we did not have to wait this long for an answer.

Is your SW actively looking for another child for you now or giving you some time out?

Hugs


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Poor you Jo. Have you been given a date when you will hear? We knew when we were going to hear, so although the wait was a long one, we knew when it would end.

Our SW has said there are other people interested in us (SW's with children they think would be suitable), but it is all too much to deal with at the moment. Also, if they are going to be competitive matches, we wouldn't fancy going through that again. We are yet to have the strength to get back to her to hear a full list of reasons why we weren't chosen for this match. Better do that tomorrow I think, as I am back to work on Monday and will need the weekend to deal with it.

We are about to book a holiday to the Italian Lakes at the end of the summer. It's expensive, but we haven't had a proper holiday for a couple of years and it is somewhere we have always wanted to go. I will give us something to look forward to.

If you haven't arranged anything for the weekend, make sure you have something nice to look forward to, whether or not you hear any news before then and pamper yourselves

Bluebells xx


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## LittleMissJo (Dec 4, 2007)

I think we will find out by end of next week, so fingers crossed.

I totally understand why you wish some time out, it is very stressful    If we get a no then we will come to the Italian lakes with you    

We are going to a party at the weekend, really looking forward to it! Should help take our minds of things  

I really am sorry to hear what you have been through, hope there will be a little one waiting for you when you come back off holiday.


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

That's good. Enjoy the party and I have everything crossed for you for next friday.

Bluebells xx


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

Bluebells - wow - the Italian Lakes, wish I was going    When you're feeling up to it, we'd love to see you on the "approved and waiting" thread.

LittleMissJo, let's hope you get the news you're wating for next week.

As for me, our sw reckons we'll get a link before the end of summer, hmmmmmmm   - not exactly brimming with confidence over that one!

emsina x


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