# Miffed :(



## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi all,

Just posting this as I don't really want to say it to anyone as I know it wasn't said maliciously and I am trying to just get over it....however I can't, and just need to tell someone so I can try and let it go!!!

I was out with a friend earlier, a new friend I have since having kids, she has a 2 year old and a 5mth old...both birth children. She is lovely I know she didn't say this to hurt me, but it kind of has got to me a little. Another friend said it to me a couple of months back too!!!

She said she was thinking of me last night when she was laying having cuddles with her baby, it makes her feel better after a really bad day and she felt sad for me as I wouldn't have that as mine are older. I really know she didnt mean anything by it, nor did she mean to hurt me. Anyway it let me kind of speechless, I didn't know what to say. 

The other friend said a while ago that she felt sorry for me because I wouldnt ever get to feel that connection/experience that moment of looking into my babys etes when feeding them.

To he honest none of this has ever bothered me before, any I have managed to experience both with my dd, admittedly my DS was older when he came home so I didn't with him, but that doesn't mean that anything is missing, we have kisses and cuddles, and I love them so so much.

I hate the thought of people thinking of me as being a 'different mum' an not getting to experience everything!! 

Sorry, it's of my chest now....feels better lol

Sorry about typos....phone rubbish!


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi Dreams do come true,

I am so sorry you're feeling down  

Someone said something really rubbish to me yesterday and it's been bugging me ever since. They referred to DH and I adopting as "buying a baby". I am almost certain it was meant as a joke, but even still I was totally floored and just sat there. By the time I was home I could think of a million and one things I wish I had said, but at the time I was speechless. Earlier in the week someone told me a story, to "put my mind at ease" about someone who was adopted as a baby, "who is all there, has a wife and kids, and is *even* holding down a job". At least with that time I managed to point out that adopted kids aren't a different species, and my mind did not need putting at ease because I'm not a narrow-minded and ignorant £$%&*@.

Anyway, what I am trying to say (badly) is I understand how you feel. DH and I are still doing our HS, but I am already beginning to feel as if some people see us as 'different' and 'less than' birth parents in some way. I know we're not, and I will certainly make it my life's aim to set those people straight, but that doesn't stop the things they say hurting. 

I also genuinely do not believe that birth parents have some magical connection with their children, and I am not saying that in order to convince myself of it. I know that numerous birth parents like to believe that there is, and that no one other than them could parent their child, but that's just not the case. My mum swears that as soon as I was handed to her by the midwife it struck her that I was a total stranger to her, and that she then had to spend the following weeks and months getting to know me…. Just like adoptive parents do with their children.

I know it's easy to say, but just ignore what your friends said, it was probably said in order to subconsciously make themselves feel better. You might not have had a tiny new baby, but you got other things instead - you only have to read some of the things that adopted people say about their adoptive parents to see how special your role is. My DH always says that you get to appreciate things more if you have had to work hard for them. I know that doesn't really apply to kids, but in a way I think the sentiment is probably true, not that you love your kids more than a birth parent, but when you've had to work so hard for it, and didn't just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, you do appreciate what you have.

Don't let it get you down and go and cuddle your little people.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

People just don't think before they speak and have some misguided idea they are helping and comforting.

I've often made replies about not having to be worried about boobs round my knees, swollen ankles, tummy muscles torn and stitches in private places. It usually shuts them up and the look on their faces can be priceless. It sometimes feels like people think I should mope about not giving birth when the reality for me as it is for many who adopt it is highly unlikely to happen and I'm enjoying my family.

Some mp said adoption is one of the greatest acts of humanity and for me it truely is. People are scared of what they don't or won't understand. You are the bigger person.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

dreams do come true - that's just weird, what she said. I mean it's like saying 'you existed before you married your husband/met your partner but they won't ever really love you because they didn't know you when you were a baby! '  Every relationship is unique! regardless of how long it has existed or the ages of the people in it when they met.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey DDCT,

Don't let it bother you. Some of the advice above is true - most people just don't get how selfless we adopters can be and say things they just don't understand.

I also don't buy in to the "magic" instant bond but I do see how it can be easier with a newborn. A friend has just had a new baby and it's not sleeping and she's finding things really tough. Some if the names said in jest really annoy me as it's only a baby who isn't trying anything on. I've had comments like not understanding how tough it is etc as I didn't have a newborn - no I became a parent to an active toddler who didn't sleep but also needed entertained during my sleep deprived day!! Grrr 

When I'm being quite zen like I just think sod them as they'll never really get it but I suppose many people get like this over what they think is their "reality". My pet hate is that we adopters can be made to feel like we shouldn't complain but yet birth parents are allowed to moan.

At the end of the day, you have two gorgeous cherubs who you adore no matter what. 
X x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

People think they are being kind and often its from a good place, but really the ignorance often shines through. My friend recently said she had spent the afternoon cuddling a miracle baby and she thought of me and hoped I got my miracle. I told her I already had my miracle and getting pregnant now would be my nightmare. We are also facing the prospect that birth mother is pregnant again. I told sister in law who got very excited and said 'oh wow, and this time you might get a tiny baby'. It's as if what we have isn't enough and is second best to the normality of pregnancy and birth. I suppose after years of trying for a baby in can understand why people still think that's what I want. But my dream came true with little pink. I can safely say now I actively do not want a pregnancy, I am so glad treatment didn't work, we are fulfilled completely, don't feel sorry for me any more!!!! Big hugs to you Dreams


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

I agree totally with all the previous posts. Many of my friends who have had their own birth children say that they didn't feel that instant, magical connection when their babies were born. Quite a few had post natal depression and didn't find it an easy experience at all. One colleague recently admitted (and she is a great mum) that some days she really couldn't stand her own children! Parenting toddlers was more demanding than rewarding in her eyes. 

People often make insensitive remarks without even realising it eg my FIL was recently talking about a friend's cousin, and mentioned, 'of course, it's not his real cousin. He was adopted.' I try my best to rise above these comments and put it down to lack of understanding on their behalf, but it's not always easy.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Can't add anything wiser than these wonderful ladies have said but wanted to send hugs coz I think you're fab and so are your gorgeous babies x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I'm taking this one to the bank… I had to go to the doctor for a rather intimate exam   the other day and she asked if I have kids, and I said yes but I'd adopted, I'd never given birth (it was relevant to the exam).  She was cool about that, did the exam and told me I had a really good pelvic floor!!!    If anyone ever tries to pity me for not having given birth I will simply point out to them that whilst they may see it as a shame, actually I'm thrilled as I have it on good advice that I have a really good pelvic floor, can they say the same??  

People really don't mean to be insensitive they just don't understand and think they are empathising with you.  I am probably slightly thicker skinned and also we never had the heartache of trying for kids as we went strait to adoption so it is different for me but try really hard not to take it to heart.  Most people (despite how it sometimes seems) have really good hearts, they are just clueless about something they have never dealt with before.  What you have is nothing short of amazing and no one can take that away from you, your family might be acquired differently but it is noting short of a miracle and you made it happen.  Big hugs xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi DDCT
Sorry to hear how insensitive your friends were. Even if they didn't mean it it's not too late to explain to them how hurtful or insensitive her comments were, as you point out you haven't missed out and they are making assumptions for a start. And if you did feel you'd missed out well then those comments were actually rather nasty sounding. One of my 'friends' always talks to me in a pitiful way and hints that she's got everything I want but actually I'm delighted at the thought of adopting as it's so special and selfless. Yes I do feel pain at what we have been through but wouldn't go back to trying for a pregnancy now as really want this. She can never understand that and I think it's the same for a lot of people. It shows how special you (and all of us here) are that we really want this and don't feel deprived. 
Big hugs
GG xxxx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Totally agree what the others have said and I have had plenty of the same thing.
I remember when I was with an old boy friend, I admitted that my dad adopted my brother but we share the same mother, he then turned round and said "he is not your real brother then". I actually dumped him for this, he has always been my brother and it wasn't until I stared this adoption journey that I realised he is actually my half brother ,but in my mind and heart I am his sister and nothing else. No halves or steps or what ever else, he is my brother. End of.

I have also had what are you going to do when lo goes looking for her bp. Who says she is going to look for them, if she wants to see them then we will support her in that but from what I have heard from a lot of adopted adults 80% of them don't wont to know their pb and they see their adoptive parents as mum and dad and are happy with that.
I can only hope we bring her up knowing where she has come from and to be honest with her as to why she has been adopted, then hopefully the curiosity wont be as strong.
But hey who knows, what ever she decides we will support her.

Skyblu.xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I do have something to add.  I work with teenagers and I think people are also totally unrealistic about what their life holds when they have little ones.  Teen years are tough regardless but people have said to me what about when they say 'you're not my real mum etc'. As if I haven't considered it.  However I'm never brave enough to point out that their kids like I did will say ' I hate you I wish you weren't my mum' not any better or worse in my opinion.  Teenagers rebel and get emotional fact. Maybe mine will be harder work maybe there's will but the above is a stupid comment where they will fare no better than me but just haven't thought about it x x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

People just don't get it, so I try to ignore what I can.  My Mum goes on about how lucky our Bug is, as if he's some sort of charity project. I know that's not what she means, but I always say we're the lucky ones.  I genuinely feel priveleged to be his mum.

Then there are the people who do get it, who welcome me into the mummy-hood fold without judgement or ignorant curiosity, who tell me they think I'm amazing and courageous and doing a fantastic job (even when I think I'm not!)

But my favourite was when I was exclaiming to one friend about how in love and in shock I was, how amazed I was at him, and how in awe, and how I was just not able to fathom how this incredible, wonderful thing had happened to us.  She said, "you made it happen.  You worked incredibly hard to get ready for him, to get him, and to settle him.  You made it happen." 

I just cried.

Throw away the stupid comments.  Keep the good ones.

(((((hugs)))))


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## tinkerbell80 (Oct 15, 2013)

I will reply fully, currently up to eyes in paint but feel the same way and people who became parents the normal way just don't get that we are proper parents etc


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Thanks ladies!!!

You always know what to say!!!!

Unfortunately....the not having the wobbly bits line doesn't work with me....I have lots of wobbly bits....in fact I am just one big wobbly bit lol. My eldest is 17 months and I still haven't lost the baby weight!!!  

I just need to look at my babies and the fact that I didn't give birth to them definitely doesn't make me less of a mummy, we have to go through a lot (and I wouldn't change it for the world!) - give me adoption any day....I am going to get my responses ready for the future!

Xx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

After explaining to a neighbour on a night out this eve that our adtoption comes after 7 years of ttc all he could say was 'you lucky things, you must have had so much fun trying'. Maybe I should have just laughed as I am sure he was drunk but I just can't. I gave him a long look and explained that actually that got old years ago. It did the job cos he apologised but it was awkward! But I'm not going to laugh as he belittles my life's trauma.
Sorry ddct - that was a truly dreadful thing your friend said. A real wtf moment if you ask me!! 
Glad you got it off your chest, 
Gettina
X


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

People's ignorance never ceases to amaze me, it really doesn't. With me its been a single family member that has wound me up me up every step of the way.
A cousin of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl a month ago. Due to complications she was delivered quite early via cs. I know t was very traumatic to experience but after she told us "you lucky thing, choosing the easy way to have your baby.". She also phoned me last year to tell me she was taking the pressure off me to 'provide' my family with a much wanted baby as she was having the coil removed (at that point our family didn't know about adoption) and would be pregnant soon.  This was followed by this year when we told them we had been approved and were matched she said "bet you put in your order for a blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl" when I said we had been matched with a beautiful boy she said "that's good because I have a feeling I'm having a girl."

We did have the last laugh though with her wanting to be different, our little man has the same name as her eldest and she's livid  

Sadly, it looks like far too many of us have been effected/upset by people and their stupid comments. Dreams glad sharing helped a bit xx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Yikes flash- she sounds like a piece of work!


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