# Telling potential partner you may need IVF/DE IVF



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Title says it all really. I'd really like to know how people negotiate the world of dating in the knowledge that you are likely to require assisted conception (e.g. IVF, IUI etc) in order to have a children. How do people bring this up with a new partner without scaring them off, especially in your 40's? Sometimes I resign myself to the fact that I'll be doing this alone and maybe find a partner later. However, I would prefer to have a child within the context of a relationship for financial and emotional reasons. I don't really have the resources to go it alone (although I would make it work if I had to)... 

Anybody meet their partner/husband in later life and go on to have children either naturally or via IVF/DE IVF and when did you bring it up with your OH any how did they react?  I really Need some positive stories to keep me going. Feeling very despondent abut everything at the moment


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## Greyhoundgal (Oct 7, 2013)

Hi Gaia

Sorry to read you are feeling so low   It's a really hard journey and I can't imagine how that feels on your own   I met my DP late in life. I had been single for a number of years as my previous DP died suddenly in a road traffic incident and I couldnt face dating for years. i knew I wanted a family and that's probably what drove me back to dating in the end   I decided that I would be honest about it at an early stage as I didn't want to get attached to someone only to find too lAte they didn't want children. It's not something you can bring up on a first date but I certainly did within a couple of months. My DP is also younger than me so I wanted him to be able to choose to find a younger partner with whom time would not be of the essence if in fact he wasnt ready.

I felt really awkward about it but it had to be discussed. I have been so blessed with my DP because he has been so supportive and positive every step of the way. I really hope you too can feel find that   There are some amazing men out there and I'm sure there's one out there who thinks you're amazing and wants to share this journey with you  

Good luck with the deivf and with dating   have fun on your dates  - some will be awful but some will be great fun even if they aren't the guy of your dreams   And lastly I'm sure I don't need to say but always meet a date in a public place and tell a friend where you're going  and I think short first dates are the key. Coffee on Saturday and tell him you have to meet a friend later or one drink in the evening because you have an early start for work. That way if it's awful you already have an excuse to get away  

Grey xx


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## MovingSiren (Mar 17, 2013)

Gaia. I told my husband at our 2nd date. I started off by saying there's something I want him to know that maybe a potential deal breaker but I wanted to get it out in the open. So I told him and the fact that even with fertility treatment, there's no guarantee of success. His first question was, 'if it doesn't work, would you adopt? I think that sealed it for me.

I just thought it was best to be upfront especially as my last relationship ended to to then partner not being able to deal with my IF is he refused to do any analysis cos he's impregnanted his ex a few times and kept accusing me of not having faith in God. Anyway, upfront I think is the best way to go. DH has been and is still very supportive. We just got our second and hopefully last bfp as all our savings has been wiped out but we are as happy as pigs in muck!

Good luck! Your knight is definitely out there and he'll sweep you off your feet!


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Grey & MovingSiren

Thank you for your replies, your stories have given me hope. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to start dating yet though. My head says go for it my heart says wait a bit. I am feeling quite low and introverted at the moment due to my circumstances. I think I will start in Spring when my mood has lifted and I generally feel happier and more optimistic. I think part of the problem is my age, and where I am going to meet somebody who wants the same things as me later on in life....I know it can happen as your replies highlight, but it's probably a little bit harder. I was wondering where you met your OH? I've tried internet dating in the past and it be honest I probably wouldn't do it again....


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## MovingSiren (Mar 17, 2013)

I met mine online. I did kiss a lot of frogs though! Horrendous frogs too   

It took me a while to get into Internet dating, I tried speed dating and hated it, then tried an activities group but people seemed to attend in pairs and there were more females than males. I did make quite a few female friends though so not all that bad.


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hi, I met a previous partner online too, but for some reason it makes me slightly nervous to go through it all again - may explore other ways of meeting a potential partner - e.g. walking group, matchmaking agency etc... I know online dating works for many though. Maybe i'm just not ready being recently single.... I guess I will know when I'm ready... but age isn't on my side in terms of potential natural conception...


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I found it quite easy to be open in online dating profiles, otherwise you may just attract people who assume that because of your age that question isn't likely to come up.
Make it fun rather than desperate, such as 'wanting to meet my prince who wouldn't be opposed to raising an heir to the throne' or something like that, which should sort the wheat from the chaff.
I'd make it about wanting kids rather than about 'needing assistance'. First of all, not many men even disclose their thoughts about this issue and there are plenty who would happily string someone along if they don't want kids, or had the snip.
Secondly, most guys I know are almost oblivious to the strains involved in IVF for a woman, and if they want kids would be supportive to do what it may take in your case.
Be open to date someone who has kids already, you don't want to have to convert a confirmed Peter Pan!
Of course it could all go wrong at a later stage - I am no longer with the guy who was all for supporting me before and during the pregnancy, and cut my baby's cord, but for now please take courage and hop into that dating pool. A great book for boosting your confidence I'd recommend is 'the Four Man Plan'. Best of luck!x


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Sorry I just read you won't make an online profile. In that case I still think it's good to bring this up early (wanting kids, not IVF), before you are too invested in them. It's a fact about yourself, why hide it?
Bring up nieces, nephews, godchildren, and mention you have hope to still have your own, keep it light and move on. They will take in this info, and you can then come back to it when it's more relevant.
Once you discuss contraception, I'd raise it again.


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