# Advice Appreciated - cheers



## Guest (Aug 21, 2008)

Hello all, im vikki i found this site by trudging through LGBT searches and would like to hear more about couples in the same situation as me and gf in UK if possible.  We have been talking about having children for some time now and know the complications, time, effort, energy, possible dissapointed, financial issues, etc that can come along with concieving but we would like to know more on the issue.
Would anyone be willing to tell me their storie about who you got pregnant, did you use known or anonymous sperm donor (pros and cons of both) and the time process you went through.

Many thanks in advance i really appreciate your time


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## Strawbs78 (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi Vikster1

Well my DP and I's story hasnt really begun as yet but can tell you what we have done.. 

WEnt to GP and got a ref to Kings (was not as easy as it sounds as I was met with comments of 'well you need to understand we have never had anyone like YOU before  ) anyhoo finally got lots of tests done and the ref was sent off in July, in the meantime we decided to self fund via eggshare at LWC London who I must say so far are absolutely brilliant..  Went to an Inseminars of theirs which was uber informative and free with no obligation but if you do book your 1st appt on that day you get it for 125 rather than 295.. Had my two last egg share tests a week or so ago at LWC in their nice lab part,  Had an appt with the sperm bank manager this week to discuss our options, should be receiving our swimmer profiles by the end of this week so we can choose, we will then buy 3 rounds worth and store it with them.. We are then off on hols and come back and have our initial consult on 13th september which they will begin the process of matching me up with an egg recipient (cant do this pre me getting back as test results wont be back)..

Home Insem at this point is not an option for us as DP wants it to be more clinic as in completely male removed, we really want it to be about us and not a third party so we decided to go down the anonymous and clinic route..

Financiall we are in a good position and whilst no means is it a walk in the park we are managing that aspect on it, we have been saving for a little while for it plus the egg share really cuts down the cost.. 

Dont really have anything else to share with you really because as I said we are only just beginning.. One thing I will say is that it seems like such a long process getting started esp if you go NHS (we still dont have an appt there) but once it actually begins its like a slippery slide and you get going pretty quickly.. I am desperately hoping that I will be pregas by November


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## jo36 (Aug 12, 2008)

Hi Vickster1,

Well, my partner and I embarked on our TTC journey way back in 2003. So I suspect things have changed slightly now. First port of call was the ole GP, who had no probs referring us to our local fertility centre in Bath. Had our initial consultation, followed by tests and stuff. Then it was off to see the donor nurse and request sperm, something we had more choice over as we were starting our journey before the anonymity laws changed, so sperm was plentiful. 

Even though I am older than my DP it was always going to be me who got the treatment, something we were completely aware of in the early stages of our relationship. I had, and still do, always yearned to be pregnant and give birth, as my DP was really keen to parent but had no desire to be pregnant, breastfeed etc... So for us it was an easy decision as to who was going to be biological mum! As I was only 31 back then with no fertilty issues known, it was recommended to me to try IUI which I was more than happy to do. The first IUI was in the Sept of 2003 (we had our first consultation in Jan 2003 to give you some idea of time scale) but it didn't work. We gave ourselves a few months off to go on holiday and get Xmas over then we had our 2nd IUI in Jan 2004. This time we hit the jackpot and 9 months later we were holding our baby girl!! 

So it took us a whole year and to be honest we had an easy time compared to a lot of people, so we were very fortunate in that respect. We are thinking about TTC again but I'm not sure it's going to be quite so easy as I'm now 36, but what will be will be.

Hope this is of some good use to you. TTC leads to a rollercoaster of emotions and takes over your whole being...so be prepared!! And that's only the beginning...

Jo


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay vickster1

my dp and i have been together for 4.5 years and always wanted to have children.  for us it was easy like Jo36, i always wanted to give birth, be pregnant, and breast feed and dp wanted a family but isnt really into that whole thng.

dp was always more keen on the donor side and i originally wanted a known donor who would be an 'uncle' ... i had various conversations over the years with some of our friends.  a friend of ours told us in jan 07 he would like to be our donor and we spent 8 months discussing with him.  

we visited london bridge clinic in march 07 and had quite a bad experience with them.  after our first consultation they didnt return any telephone messages or reply to emails.

in august 07 we home inseminated when our known donor was on holiday with us (we live in spain).

bfn

our agreement broke down between through september 07 and october 07.

which was a very emotional time for us all.  and really put strains on all our relationships.  for me it was really hard because i had to examine why i wanted the third person in the 'family' and it was a massive shift for me emotionally to come to terms with the change.

december 07 we went to LWC for consultation - was really blown away by how profesional they were.
december 07 and january 08 had blood tests in spain and london
january 08 choose our first donor
march 08 first iui - BFN 
April - skipped a month and started acupuncture
May - 2nd iui - BFN  - really devestated  
June - came to london missed the ovulation
skipped two more ovulations to get myself back in balance as was really stressed out by this point
august - about to have third treatment          

I cant believe how long it takes!!!  and every decision feels like a mamouth one.  obviously we keep going because we really want to have a family.  But it has been very hard.  I feel i am learning to listen to my body and really try to be calm and take care of myself.  

i also feel like this experience highlights the differences between my dp and me. the preperation for conception, conception and then hopefully pregnancy birth etc will be a very different experience for me as to her.  the whole process is about my body, and she is the observer in many ways.  she is very supportive and kind and patient however its ME that is trying to get pregnant.

im feeling pretty positive about to fly back to london tonight for the next 10 days.

hope that helps!

hay strawbs/jo

good to hear you stories!



JUST WANTED TO ADD AN UPDATE!

so i went to london for  days was diagnosed with PCO by the sonographer how gave me my scans.  i was worried for a couple of days then had quick chat with the consultant and she said it was very mild and nothing to worry about!

had my basting on day 18 of my cycle 

two weeks of agonising!  and how have our BFP.

gabs and i are soo over the moon.  all the time we spent feels like minutes ... i feel so lucky.

we had our 7 week scan on monday and heard the little speck;s heart beat.  and everything feels perfect!


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

Hi Vikki, and welcome!

We went the clinic route too. We were keen for our family to be just about us and our children, with no 3rd party complications. We have 2 sons now; one aged 3 and conceived at LWC (London), the second aged 6 months and conceived at CARE (Nottingham). LWC wasn't awful but we did prefer our experience at CARE. We very much felt like we were on a conveyor belt at LWC, and I didn't rate any of the doctors although the nurses were all fantastic. They also failed to tell me I had strepp B (but that's another story...)

I can let you know the timelines but as we started before the law change, there was a lot of sperm so no waiting lists for donors. We reserved sibling sperm too so didn't have any delays second time around either.

We contacted LWC directly in May 2004 and went in for consultation and initial tests in June. By July we were ready to go for natural IUI except we were still waiting for my GP to return the Welfare of the Child form. He ended up being a complete pig about it so there was a delay there and also another delay while they waited for an infection (this was the strepp B) to clear up. We moved GPs in the meantime and got an NHS referral about the same time as we had our first IUI. This was in October and was BFN. We had another in November, BFP!!! and Jude was born August 05. We finally got a call about our NHS referral in May 06 - I had to tell them we'd already got pregnant and had a child in the meantime!! So there was quite a wait back then between referral and being seen. Not sure about these days.

We'd moved back up north by the time we came to ttc 2nd time round so we moved our sibling sperm to CARE Nottingham. Got a GP referral (private) in August 2006, had our 1st appt in October and were ready for a natural IUI cycle in November. This was super quick actually; we were keen to get going so I had all the tests on the spot and then I got all my notes from LWC to pass on (this allowed us to skip the requirement to see the counsellor at CARE). However, this cycle was cancelled as my ovaries weren't doing anything; my FSH levels have always been a bit high and I hadn't long stopped breastfeeding. With hindsight we probably should have gone for a medicated cycle but I was quite resistant to the idea. I wanted to keep it as natural as possible... anyway, we missed december because of xmas, had medicated IUI cycles in Jan and Feb (both BFN) followed by IVF in May 07, BFP!!!! and Bruno was born this January gone.

Yes, we did move quite quickly to IVF, especially when you consider my resistance to the medicated IUI. Basically we got fed up and, once we were medicating, it didn't feel like such a huge leap.

It was always me that had yearned for pregnancy, motherhood. My DP wanted a family but hadn't yet had the 'urge'. Since we had the kids she says she really doesn't want a pregnancy herself and we're quite happy with the way we did it, the way it all turned out. It's quite nice that the kids are exactly the same I guess.


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## mosie32 (May 2, 2008)

Hi Vikki,

Our situation is a bit different to the other people who have posted so far, so hopefully a different perspective is useful.

My DP is bio-mum to our son 3 1/2, we did home insemination using a known donor and got pregnant 3rd attempt.  To us, it was important that our child can grow up knowing his origins and be able to know his 'donor dad', although we are very clear that we are the parents and have all parental decision making responsibilities.  Our son has regular contact with his donor, who he calls by his first name, every few weeks for a couple of hours.  All of this is underpinned by the appropriate legal agreements.

The relationship with our donor hasn't always been easy - we've got several friends with known donors and it has taken us all time to make the situation work for us in our own, different ways, and I don't think that anyone would say that it has been easy.

But, we are glad that we have a known donor - mainly for our son in building his identity (he'll want to know more one day, so why not from the start?).  I think it is important for him to have the ability to know more about his origins & wider family and to be able to say that he does know who his dad is rather than it be a mystery to him.  Our nephew is 6 and finds it very difficult that he doesn't know his dad (his mum chose not to stay in touch with him) and we are glad that we don't have those difficult questions to handle.  I also like the fact that we know why our son looks why he does.  He looks very very much like my partner, but if he looked more like his donor and we didn't know know him then I'd feel there was a piece of our son that we didn't know. 

We are now planning number two, me to be bio-mum.  We are using a different known donor, but going to do IUI through a clinic.  Currently his sperm is being tested and then he can start 'banking'.  Then we have to wait for it to be quarantined for 6 months before we can start.  So, it feels like it is taking forever this time round!  However, a clinic is more appropriate for us this time for various reasons - mainly about ensuring that our donor remains detached and doesn't start building expectations about a bigger role because of getting emotionally involved in the process.  This is something we've learnt from last time round.

If you are considering a known donor, my advice would be to go through a clinc and take advantage of the counselling that they offer.  We've had counselling with our new donor and his wife and it was been really really useful - gives me reassurance that we all understand where we are coming from and what we expect from each other.  Legally, you are better protected if you go through a clinic.  If you are thinking of a known donor then I'm happy to share more experiences with you. 

Hope this is useful & good luck with whatever you decide.  Having a child is the most fulfilling experience and our son just couldn't be more adored, we now look back and wonder why it took us so long deciding to go for it!

Polly


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## cutelittlepumpkin (Nov 1, 2007)

Hi

Our story started in May 2003 really, that when we first got together and children were discussed within about a week, We decided then that I would get pregnant as my lovely Mrs, really didn't want to. We moved in together later that year a discussed how to go about starting our family, we considered known donor, etc. But in the end decided a clinic was safer from a health point of view, and saved complications if a donor relationship later failed. So after a bit of research on the net, emailed LWC London for info and eventually had our 1st consult in Nov 2004 (had to do some saving Re:funding), was diagnosed with PCOS (which I kind of suspected anyway). So started medicated DIUI in Apr 2005 - BFN, again May 2005 - BFN, again June 2005 - BFN. 

Had follow up consult after 3 failed IUI, and hycosy to check my tubes were clear was next, which they were! 

So decided to concentrate on us for a bit and had lovely Civil Partnership in March 2006. Then ended up have appendix out in May 2006, so was advised to wait 6 months before TTC again.

Dec 2006 DIUI with increased medication - BFN. Apr 2007 DIUI ended in m/c at 6wks   , and however heartbreaking and soul destroying all those BFNs are nothing prepares you for having your dream just within reach and then cruelly snatched away again! and nothing prepares you for the stupidity of people who say things like "at least you know you can get pregnant"  

Anyway after much soul searching, we decided to up the anti and went for ISCI, 1st cycle was Oct 2007 BFP - m/c at 6wk and 8wks (twins)    , no words can express how it feels when m/c happens again, excepted the 2nd time when the loss starts you know the road you are heading down only too well!  

So June 2008 ISCI number 2 - BFP       and we are currently 13wks and 5 days pregnant with Twins!!    So hopefully our story will have a happy ending in Feb 2009!

As for who to be pregnant thing, we have not been deterred by our rollercoaster of emotions! We have already decided that my wonderful Mrs will be using some of our 15 frosties before the twins hit their 1st birthday, after all, 1st consult to this point has taken us 4.5 years! And in that time my DP has decided that she would like to experience pregnancy too, but we don't want to delay to much in case it takes as long again! 

And LWC have been wonderful through out, the lovely receptionist hugged me and cried when we had our first scan of the Twins! We have recommended them to friends, who have had success and positive experiences!

 with your own journey, it is all worth it the first time a little hand waves at you from a scan, however hard or easy your route to get there!


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Hi

It was never an issue with us as to which one would be the biological mother, like many of the replies above I very much wanted to and my partner didn't, although she did want to be a parent.

I had fertility issues anyway and was referred to CARE in Manchester without ever having to discuss my sexual orientation with my doctor.  CARE were genuinely fantastic and although they paid lip service to the legal requirements and we had to be interviewed and asked questions about male role models it was pretty much a rubber stamp arrangement and we didn't resent the questions as they were all things that we'd asked ourselves anyway.  We never felt that for CARE our relationship was an issue.

There was a wait for sperm.  The first consultation in October 2006 and treatment itself began the end of May 2007.  We were very, very lucky and the IVF worked first time.  Our son was born this February.  He is beautiful, an amazing living wonderful miracle and our relationship has survived very well, my partner and I are very much more a unit since he was born and we became a family.  The down side is that everything changes for you when you become a parent, before he was born issues like how our relationship would affect him were glibly talked away, now that he is here it's not so easy.  While I have no doubts at all that we are and will be good parents Nature whammies you with this insane, obsessional need to protect him at all costs, I worry a lot about other peoples reaction to us (something I never gave a stuff about before) and have nightmares about him being bullied or ostracised at school because of us or even him resenting us because he has no father.

Having said all that having him is a joy that we would not swap for all the world.

I hope this helps.

Good luck


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## emnjo (Jan 17, 2008)

I have just read this thread and thought I would contribute...

I am Emma, 28, my DP is Jo 27, we have been together for 5 years. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, experience pregnancy and labour (for some bizare reason!) 

Jo has always wanted a family, but isn't so bothered about actually being pegnant so deciding who was going to carry our baby was very easy and not even really discussed it was just a given.

Anyway, we started off our TTC at LWC doing IUI's. We did one natural and one with clomid both BFN  

A friend of ours had offered (well his wife offered for him  ) to be our donor, and so after 2 IUI's we agreed and sent him off for all his STI tests etc. We did 2 rounds of home insems both BFN's. Our donor did a sperm count test at home and it came out quite low (he does drink quite alot) and so that was the end of that!

So in June 08 we got a referral from our GP to go to the Homerton Hospital in Hackney. In the meantime we imported 8 vials of sperm from Denmark. We had all our tests done again at The Homerton and started IUI's in Sept 08, our first one was a BFN. So so far we have done 3 IUI's. For some reason I just thought I would get pregnant very quickly. I got pregnant when I was 17, and just thought I was super fertile!!  

Anyway, I am finding TTC very hard and emotional. Its rather like being on a train ride and your not sure when you can get off, or if you will get off, your not sure where your journey is going and if it it will be pleasant if and when you do arrive. I am positive about it all, and have a gorgeous Boston Terrier dog whom I adore beyond words and my wonderful girl Jo. We are happy as we are, but a baby would just about top us off! I still believe we will get there, and in the big scheme of things we haven't been trying for long. Its just feels like an eternity - which I am sure lots of you can relate to. 

Good Luck to everyone xx


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Here's another one for you - this is turning into a lovely thread to get to know everyone's back stories. 

From the earliest of our discussions we knew we wanted to follow the known donor route. At that time there was no ID release at age 18, so a clinic would mean total and permanent anonymity for our donor. We knew we wanted our child(ren) to know about their biological heritage from the word go, to be able to get any questions answered and to have no questions or doubts about their origins, so even the ID release wouldn't fit for us. We also wanted to know who was providing half our child's genes. We needed to feel assured that any behavioural or emotional traits that might be passed on to our child were ones we felt comfortable with, and they were never going to get listed on any clinic donor form.

So in the first instance we approached a friend and he agreed to donate. He got tested and all was well so in Nov 03 we inseminated the first time - with my partner. Six months later and after 5 BFNs we had to stop using him as our donor due to issues with his partner. We had no other friends we felt comfortable asking so we resorted to the internet and placed a few ads. We got several responses, two of which felt like possible matches. We met them both and knew immediately that one of them was right for us. He'd already successfully donated to other couples who gave him great references and was fully tested so we drew up a contract. We started trying with him in Sep 04, this time with me.

By Feb 05 we'd had two suspected miscarriages and my cycles had gone from being reasonably regular to all over the show. I started having investigations and was diagnosed with PCOS (we already knew I had endometriosis). We decided to give my body some time to settle and I started trying medication to control the PCOS and get me ovulating (Metformin). While this happened we went back to trying with my partner.

In September that year she got pregnant, but had a very early miscarriage that we were later told was a chemical pregnancy. By January 06 we'd tried a total of 16 cycles, lost three possible pregnancies between us and were really feeling the strain. We knew by this time that our relationship was really suffering under the pressure of it all so we decided to take a break. We took 9 months off and went travelling, and had some fantastic adventures in Malaysia and Australia. By Autumn 06 we were feeling refreshed and strengthened, both individually and as a partnership and we were ready to jump back on to the TTC rollercoaster, this time with me again. We tried that October, no luck, then missed a few cycles as our donor was away for one and we were for the next. We became civil partners that December.

By January 07 we'd pulled out all the stops. I was using hypnotherapy, acupuncture and had revolutionised my diet on the advice of a naturopath - on top of the metformin and scans I was having to make sure I was ovulating. Something in that combination of efforts worked and we conceived. After a pretty uneventful pregnancy I gave birth to our daughter, Ember, at home over the sofa on October 19th last year. She's now almost one and has given us more joy than we could ever have imagined.

We will probably decide to have another child one day, but not for a while. We're enjoying Ember so much we don't feel the need to add to our family yet. Maybe we never will, but I'm expecting broodiness to settle in eventually.  If we do it'll be with me. My partner has hung up her TTC boots. She's over 40 now, and now Ember is here she knows that for her, not carrying a child makes no difference at all in how much she loves them or how much of a mother she feels and is. We'll use the same donor - he's happy to donate to us again - and he's stuck absolutely to everything we've agreed since we conceived. We've met him twice since Ember was born and we're in email contact every few months. She has his nose and his eye colour, but otherwise seems to have taken mostly after me. I'm really glad that we chose the known donor route. If we hadn't we would have never known those things for sure and they feel important to me somehow. Plus on a practical level, we'd have never been able to afford to try for so long if we'd gone the clinic route.

I wish you all the best on your TTC journey. It's a tough one, but you've found a great place for support while you go through it.

Gina. x


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

Hi Vickster,

My DP and I have been together for 7 years and children was always something we discussed from the onset ! Was almost planned out from the very beginning !   , My DP wasnt really keen on being pregnant whereas i had always really really wanted to. So we decided that i would carry my DP's eggs (that would be fertilisted with anonymous donor sperm) so that we both felt ' a bond ' .Genetically hers and grown by moi !!! 

Personally for us, this was important for the first born as my DP said it would feel like she wasnt really a part of it otherwise. After our 1st we would use my eggs with the same donor and i would be the one who carried again. We felt that by this time we would have a 'family bond so really what im trying to say it was just important to use DP's eggs for our first born child. 

We contacted LWC directly in november 2005, had our first consultation in Feb 2006, discussed our plans etc and started our first IVF/ISCI treatment in mid march 06. DP had egg collection on 12th may which where then fertilised with the donor sperm we chose and on 15th may i had x2 little and perfect embies transfered to me, 10 days later did a cheeky early pg test and got a   We were over the moon and couldnt beleive it really, it all seemed too easy. first scan at clinic showed TWINS !   we were so happy. and on 17th Jan 2007 @ 38+3 i gave birth to our 2 beautiful sons Tate and Harrison ! Harrison looking the spitting image of DP and Tate strangley looking like myself !! and in the words of the  midwives..... who knows what crosses through the placenta! 

our boys are now 20 months old and we have just had our first failed IUI so we are going straight back to IVF/ICSI as we only have enough sibling sperm reserved for another 2 goes and it is important for us that all of our children have the same BF ! (biological father) 

We plan on telling our children the truth about everything when they are old enough to understand and we will do all we can with them to trace the donor at 18 if theywant too. Without him our lovely boys wouldnt be here and we would be childless so we cant thank him enough and think he must be a wonderful man . We feel very lucky that our IVF journey has been an easy one.

I really hope that you and your DP find a way that suits you and as you can tell from reading everyones posts, everybody has their own special way .

Good luck & stay positive ! X


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