# work- to tell or not to tell?



## Babytinks (Oct 16, 2011)

We are about to start on our 1st ivf journey and our 1st appt to see the consultant is enddof the month. My question is whether or not I should tell my manager? I cant decide what to do. I was all for telling my manager because I get on well with her and she is quite easy going and fair, but then my work colleague came in for a meeting about coming back to work from maternity,  to be told its full time or nothing! My manager apparently wasn't very supportive in the meeting and didn't seem that sympathetic when she told us. I know the decision wasn't down to her, but feel she should have been more supportive. This has now made me a bit uneasy and not sure I can trust she will be supportive with the journey I am about to embark on and I will need all the support I can get as its going to be an emotional roller coaster. One part of me thinks dont be silly she will be fine, the other is saying dont say a word because you dont need the stress and anxiety of worrying what work thinks.
What has everyone else done, do you think I should tell my manager?


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm still undecided as to what to do for the best. As long as possible I'm just saying that any appointment I have are to do with my endo. I don't know what to do when we actually start on our protocol though! I think I will tell HR first and see whether I need to tell my manager what it's actually for. Having said that I have a friend who is a ex-HR manager so might ask her advice first.

All this added stress is so hard!  . X x x


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## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic) (Mar 10, 2012)

I did tell my manager when we started treatment as I didn't want to take my appointments as annual leave. I was given compassionate leave instead so didn't have to use my holiday or make up the time. I did have a sort of supportive manager though.  

Isn't it awful we have to deal with issues like this on top of everything else!!

Good luck xxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I would find out first if your employer has an IVF policy from HR.  I told my work, as I would have had to take sick or annual leave and they allowed me to just attend my appointments and then just come in to work.  I actually had to have appointments and blood test's every other day for 2 weeks, as my treatment didn't go to plan.

If they didn't know, I have no idea how I would have got away with it.

X


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## Cheesy (Jul 4, 2012)

Great advice to investigate HR policies first. I didn't do that. I didn't tell either. I work in local gov, going through big restructures and felt like they didnt need to know in case my commitment to work or future availability was doubted. Plus people TTC normally don't reveal this stuff. 

Over the various tx it was hard. I had appointments late afternoon or early in day and rushed about to try and make them. It was v hard and stressful. Did longer things as annual leave so for a year all annual leave was tx related. The trips abroad were hardest, especially coming up with excuses when dates changed. I at least have some flexible working arrangements which helped a little. I valued my privacy but it was really, really hard. I can see how in some jobs or with some clinics (I'm thinking ARGC for example) it would be nearly impossible. I have a long commute too - 4 hour trip by tx monitoring was near work. It wouldn't have been possible any other way.

With hindsight some openness might have helped but its difficult when working in a climate of head count reductions. 

I wish there were better policies on IVF! This is a tough process made harder with difficult employers. 

Best of luck xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'd say if you can avoid it don't say. maybe your gp can sign you off for some of it. the thing is if it doesn't work, would you want it all to be common knowledge? what if you are bfp? who would you want to know? what if you miscarried? do you want it known? it's really really hard to put a genie back in a bottle or a cat back in a bag. you might have two, three cycles....maybe with months between...how would you deal with that? would it be easier if it was private?


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## leb84 (Aug 6, 2013)

I told my manager in last job big mistake!!! Every1 knew about it then when things failed I had people asking me about it it was such a bad time ended up off sick long term. I have since changed jobs and this is my second cycle to which my doctor as signed me off for the 2 ww due to physically heavy work load. Infact me and hubby have not told even family because people are not understanding at all. I was lucky I managed to swap shifts through out the stims because most people like to work early shift all appointments were early on so it worked well. On my sick note it just says acute stress reaction. No one at work even as any idea because I have never mentioned wanting a family and don't get involved on any baby talk. Hope it all works for you it is a stressful time. Results day for me tomorrow!!! Nervous doesn't come close to how I feel. Xx


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## Cheesy (Jul 4, 2012)

Good luck for tomorrow leb plus others on 2ww. 

And good shouts for getting signed off work!


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## Babytinks (Oct 16, 2011)

Thank u for all ur opinions on this, it is such a hard decision.  If I go to HR regarding policy,  would they tell my manager or would they have to keep it private & confidential? How would I approach HR?

Good luck lib I have everything crossed for you,  let us know how u get on. Xx


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## Finky1983 (May 13, 2012)

I am in the same boat, I start a new job sep 9th teaching musical theatre at a school for two hrs so not much but the last 6 weeks I have worked out could be EC/ET etc, so really don't know whati am gonna say as I can be ill for one week but two is tricky, thing is I don't wanna make them think I am unreliable as it could lead to more work, really in a pickle and my husband just keeps saying it will be fine. Not sure how though as still need a excuse or need to tell them the truth


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## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic) (Mar 10, 2012)

Anything discussed with HR is confidential - unless you want it to be divulged. Ring them outside of work and see what they say. Remember you cannot be discriminated against for having babies or for tx. It is not allowed to affect your future with the company or potential promotions etc.

I found out I was pregnant 12 days after starting a new job and they couldn't do a thing about it legally. I then had an ectopic pg and had to take three months off work. This was three weeks into my new job. They were great and it hasn't affected me in terms of progression and extra responsibilities. I just proved how capable I was when I was at work.

Ask HR and see what they say.

Good luck xxx


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## AmyTurtle (Mar 22, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

I haven't told work either....lots of white lies when there are appts etc such as dentist, doctors, car in the garage but my boss has just gone on maternity and I have been temporarily promoted so I didn't want it to affect that.

I booked this week off work as holiday because EC was meant to be yesterday but I'm not ready, hopefully it will be Friday but if not I will have to take some time off sick next week.

I work for a massive company but they don't have an IVF policy at the minute. They ought to really as it is much more common than we would think.


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## Hopes2012 (Dec 30, 2011)

I had same dilemma last year.... I decided to tell my supervisors who were fantastic through the whole process. We had many ups and downs through our cycle (almost cancelled at one point) and then after a BFP, a M/C.... Personally, I could not have survived without the support I was given from work, and it would have been impossible to hide it from them (difficult at best of times I think, but with all the problems we had, impossible).Another factor I had to contend with is that I work at the medical school, at the hospital where our clinic is based- never done so much ducking and diving! I'm glad that I took the decision to speak up, but I appreciate not everyone has this support... Good luck with what ever you decide, and with your cycle x


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

I decided to tell and for me it turned out to be the right decision. I started with HR to check if there was an official line but there is not (I also work in a massive place but no policy).

I then told my immediate boss who was very supportive and she wanted me to tell another more senior person too. Initially I was annoyed at having to tell somebody else but when I told the other lady she told me she's had IVF herself and couldn't have been more lovely.

I would have struggled with cover stories for all appointments and it helped me to know that the pressure was off from the work perspective.

I can see how if you had a difficult work or boss it could make it even worse though.

Also, since we are on topic has anybody seen this research being done into employers having policies for assisted conception - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=310445.0

I sent it onto my HR department and they have said they will participate which I was really chuffed about.


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## Andycat (Aug 24, 2013)

Hi Ladies

I told my Manager at work that I was going to be starting treatment at a fertility clinic, only because I was going to be needing time off and would possibly  need to change my shifts at work at short notice to accommodate my appointments.  I though this would be confidential but it wasn't a few days later when at work another member of staff asked how my fertility treatment was going and at what stage was I with it all, I just stood open mouthed as I hadn't told anyone apart from my manager about it, I asked how she knew and she told me that  my manager was discussing it in the canteen while on her break.  As you can imagine I'm furious   x


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## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic) (Mar 10, 2012)

Crikey I would be furious too. Have you made a complaint? Xx


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## Andycat (Aug 24, 2013)

I haven't made any complaints at present, but due to stressing over being newly diagnosed with pcos and starting my 1st cycle of clomid I have taken a few weeks off work just to get my head around things, but when I go back I will be taking it up with HR cos if I don't  I will have an angry husband knocking at there door   x x


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## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic) (Mar 10, 2012)

I would def speak to HR. what an awful breach of your personal info. I'm sorry to hear that this happened.

Your story sounds similar to mine. Once they diagnosed me with pcos and put me on metformin I lost 4 stone and got pregnant naturally after almost 9 yrs of TTC. I'm just annoyed it wasn't picked up years ago.

Good luck xxx


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