# What info would a child from donation want?



## malteser (Oct 2, 2007)

HI
I'm new here and I'm would be really grateful for some advice. I'm a Mum of 4 although unfortunately one of my sons was stillborn. I donated eggs in 2000 after having my 1st child and I donated again this year after having my 4th. I'm happy with what I have done and pleased at the thought of helping someone but I'm struggling with the forms I have to fill in. There is a section asking stuff about me as a person. I don't mind giving medical history etc but find this bit hard. It also asks for a goodwill message for any child born from donation. It feels like I'm writing to a child I've given up for adoption. I'm not the childs mummy and I will answer any questions put to me but how do I write it down? Sorry if I'm rambling. Can you wonderful ladies who have used donor eggs tell me what information you would like to see if it was you? I don't want to disappoint someone who has choosen to look up more detail about me but I don't know what to write.
How do reciepients feel? How do other donors feel?
I really would be grateful for any thoughts
xx


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## Jaydi (Aug 12, 2007)

Dear Malteser

You sound very modest about being an egg donor but it’s people like you who bring so much happiness to families who just a few years ago would never have known what it is like to have a child in their lives.  Thank you from my heart.

Please don’t feel burdened about writing this piece about yourself.  I’m sure lots of people here will help you and will have wonderful ideas about what to describe and what they think their children would like to know.  We are having treatment in Spain and because of anonymity laws there we don’t find out very much about the donor at all.  I feel quite sad about it and worry what it will mean to our child not to know anything apart from height, weight, age, complexion, hair, blood group and a couple of hobbies.  I think it would be great if you could write about anything and everything.  Don’t worry at all about getting it ‘right’.

Maybe ask yourself - if one of your parents had been an anonymous donor that helped to create you what you would you like to know about them.  I would like to know that my mum was artistic and creative or that my dad was good at designing things and mending things in an engineering way.  I would like to know that my dad had a Roman nose and his thumb joint bends right back – just like mine.  Little quirky things that would never come up in a questionnaire.  Anything like that would be wonderful to receive.

Did you see Carol Vorderman’s programme the other day ‘Who do you think you are?’ – she wanted to trace her roots to find out why she might be so good at maths when no one in her family was.  She found it reassuring to know it came from her father’s side and it couldn’t be nurture because she’d never known him.  But she was pleased to know it had always been part of her.

Perhaps describe your outlook on life.  Your own family background.  What your own children are like.  What is your favourite food?  What did you like to do as a child?  Did you like school?  I think write everything you can think of even if it seems silly.  Quirky things are great too.  Are you left or right handed?  How do you feel about spiders?  Do you love chocolate perhaps

As for a goodwill message.  Perhaps it is easier to imagine writing to a niece or nephew.  What wishes do we have for any child being born today? 

Good luck 

Don’t worry about disappointing anyone.  You can’t get it wrong – whatever you say it will be about you and that will be something to cherish.  

Best wishes

Jaydi xxx  

p.s. Can you answer a question for me?  As a donor what would you like to receive from your recipient?  It is hard to know how to say a big enough thank you and let the donor know we are thinking about her and what she is going through for us.


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

hi malteser
you sound like a wonderful lady and thanks for being a donor.
I am so sorry about your stillborn, that must have been so hard. sending you lots of 
i think jaydi has about covered it
i met my donor on here as she has the same approach  as you and she had to fill those forms out last time she donated in march 06 and she said she learnt a lot about herself.  she is not on here tonight but I will point her in this direction as it will be lovely for you to chat.  she is keen to encourage more people to donate.  she is my angel and i am so lucky.
i have asked her to write a diary for the potential child (as well as her own recordings) and I am writing one for the potential child and myself.
my pc is soslow otherwise i would write so much more
thanks
susie


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## malteser (Oct 2, 2007)

Thankyou both for replying.
I've always felt that I would be intruding on someones life by including things about myself. It amazes me that recipients want to know so much detail and are genuinely interested in personal details. I presumed people would want to break away from the genetic factors. It's so strange to me. its a lovely feeling to think we, as donors, are still thought of after. I didn't know how open recipients would be. I didn't tell many people about my second donation because of comments that were made to me during the first one. I had people say " gosh, won't you wonder if every kid you see in the street could be yours?" and that hurt. No they are not mine. They are their Mummy's. I just helped to start the process.
I would love to know how the recipients get on. Did they get the joy of parenting that i so dearly love. i understand the grief of a losing a child and in a way i empathise moe with those who grieve the lose of not being able to have one or more. I desperately wanted another baby after losing my son and it didn't matter that i had 2 healthy children . i could have had 20 but i still felt the yearning for a baby.
I did the donations purely for myself. I wanted to know that I had in someway helped someone else to try for a baby.
As for what I would have liked? I had an anominous card from one couple after my first donation. that was lovely. I then sent cards to the recipients second time around.
I do think about what may happen in 18 years plus. I hope that I never take anything away from the mother who carries and brings up their baby. This is something I fear. Maybe with the right inderstanding from the parents, it would never be that way.
I'd loved to know of someones excitment of being pregnant and knowing that I helped to make that happen.
Thank you so much for replying. It's been a lonely experience. Worth it, I hope for someone though.
Vicki xx


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## Jaydi (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Vicki

It’s quiet here at the moment but I reckon some more people will reply to you soon.  It probably takes a while to get their thoughts in order over something like this.

Thank you for sharing how you feel about being a donor and also for telling us your story and telling us how you lost your precious little son.  My heart aches when I think of it.  I’m so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think you need to worry about the people who don’t want to think about the donor – presumably they won’t tell their children and won’t read your forms.  Why not just concentrate on the ones who will want to know? 

Also you are imagining what it will be like for the parents but is it more important to put the child at the centre of your plan?  Write with the offspring in mind?

I am just thinking of this because I read the book Experiences of Donor Conception and there were lots of stories about children and young adults being curious about their genetic heritage.  That made me really question whether it was right for us to have an anonymous donor but our waiting list in the UK is 2 years.  Well that’s a different conversation entirely of course but it made me think that you really can’t say too much.  If someone chooses to look then they will want to know everything they can about you because you are so special – you have helped them come into the world.

I just imagined what I would want to know if it was me.  It’s hard to know how I will feel as a parent if I am ever successful and have my own child.  But I have been a foster carer and I know that children take things in their stride and as long as you are honest with them and show them they are special then they can have the confidence for anything.

Believe me, yes you as donors are definitely thought of.  I’m so sorry to hear this has been a lonely experience for you and you have suffered from a few ignorant comments from people.  I hope now you have discovered FF you can get the support you deserve and maybe you can pass on your experience to others.  We think you are heros!

I’m glad you received a card from your recipients.  I have heard other donors say that they cherished their cards too.

Yes you can be reassured that what you go through is very worthwhile.  A wonderful gift.

Jaydi x


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