# Another new announcement



## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

hi everyone,

I haven't been on for a while but yesterday I heard some news that my brother in law - hubby's twin brother's new girlfriend is preg.  He has three childred from his marriage and is now divorced.  He has only been seeing his girlfriend for six months and yesterday made the announcement.  He seems very pleased but cannot speak to me yet or even look me in the eye.  I am feeling awful and don't know how to handle this.  I feel very angry, hurt, sad and more of a failure than ever.  i feel awful for my hubby too.  i can't bear the thought of another new neice or nephew looking like my husband. 

I'm not keen on his girlfriend who is 14 yrs younger than him.  I have got to spend xmas day with him and also boxing day with them both and the rest of the family - how akward is this going to be.  I can't avoid them all the time.  I need to speak to him but he is avoiding me to arrange meeting up at the moment.

Help - I thought I was coping well but I feel as I am back at the beginning all over again
Perkyone


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Perkyone
I am so sorry  
I can totally empathise with you and understand your feelings of hurt/pain and anger. I can understand that this news was a big shock for you and one that you wasn't prepared for..
This similiar situation happened to me about 5 yrs ago and i was devastated. I felt that sadness and hurt and felt that this just wasn't fair. I can understand that feeling of failure as well, it felt as if they had jumped the queue and taken away what was meant for my hubby and myself. We had been trying for along time and then bang this announcement was made, and i felt a failure and i just wanted to find a hole and hide in it..
Can i ask you a question is your brother in law aware of your situation and is that why he is avoiding you?Would your hubby have a chat for you both, to explain that you are finding this hard. So this takes the emphaisis off you and take you out of the equation, until you find a way to get your head around this alittle..
I think at this stage Perkyone is that you need to put yourself first. I think it will take some time to get over this hurt and pain and trying to accept this news..I think maybe you just need to do whatever you can cope with at the time. Do not put yourself under pressure to do anything..
Its about your grief and your grieving process..if they do not understand the pain that you are feeling? then why put yourself in a situation you cannot cope with at the moment?
I really feel for you and i can understand how difficult this is for you..
Just try and take care of yourself and your hubby...you need a lot of TLC at the moment..
love astridx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Perkyone - HUGE HUGS to you hun, what a painful and very difficult situation. Why do such situations always seem to suddenly crop at this time of year when things are extra hard anyway   ?

Astrid's advice was so wise   in encouraging you to just look after yourself and not to be the one having to deal with other peoples extra issues. I hope your brother in law will take the step and come and talk to you or your Dh so as to help ease the situ a little.

I noticed from your signature it was only March of this year your tx all came to an end - same as me hun   so I really feel for you, because this particular Christmas is one of many huge first hurdles for us to get through i.e. the 1st one since tx dream ended, and I don't know about you but I am having frequent reminders and flashbacks of what was happening this time last year when Dh and I were still full of hope and excitement (in amongst the uber stress that was IF tx!!!!) clinging to our dream tx would work. 

I just hope by some miracle this Christmas will pass by more smoothly than seems imaginable to the moment, and I will be thinking of you  

Love
Hippy
xxxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Perky honey, I felt so sad for you reading your message.

I have to agree with the other ladies though - don't put yourself in situations that are going to cause you more pain if you possibly can. It doesn't matter what others think of you - you need to look after yourself petal. As for BIL - if he has issues of his own regarding speaking to you then that is HIS problem - not yours! 

Big huge squeeze from me to you - be gentle with yourself

Love,
Emcee xxx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Perky

I feel for you, and can only echo what all the other girls have said.  It is so hard isn't it, sometimes it just seems like one kick in the teeth after another.  I really do sympathise, it has been a shock to you and I can understand that it is simply heartbreaking.  The fact that your bil is avoiding you suggests that he does know how you will be feeling, so perhaps he will understand if you can't make the Boxing day get together.  Whatever happens put yourself and DH first.

Thinking of you

Jane x


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Hi everyone,

Thank you everyone - your posts have helped.

I'm still feeling very low and cry when I read your replies.  I just can't believe this is happening and hoped I would wake up and  it would be a dream.  Last Christmas I had just had a negative result and this one I thought would be difficult but this situation is my worst nightmare.

BIL is aware of our situation - he helped us through our last lot of treatment and I thought he knew what we were feeling., he was very supportive and another shoulder to cry on for me.  I think he just cannot face us yet.  I am sure it is putting him in a difficult situation too.  I feel I need him to come to me/us rather than for me to go to him though.  I am also feeling the longer he leaves us the worse it will be and I feel I am becoming more angry with waiting.

I don't feel I would accept his new girlfriend whoever she was because of the pregnancy.  I forgot to mention that she also has three children of her own!  They have a total of six between them every other weekend aged 12,11,6,5,3,and 2!  If this other one arrives they will have 7 - do they do cars that hold 9 passengers they will need a minibus!!!

I somehow am feeling sorry for him - though I don't know why!  I would prefer to blame her for this as I know he would not want to hurt us and didn't want any more children.  Though he obviously is putting her before us I feel he could at least just contact us even though he probably knows I can't face her (at the moment I can't think how I ever will ).

I apologise for the dreadful droning on with my typing like this moaning away but I just can't help the jealousy and hate inside me.  

My own brother and sister in law got married last April and they are also expecting in May next year but it hasn't affected me like this situation is, I just accepted it as I knew it would happen sometime. 

Thank you all for listening,
Perkyone


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Oh Perkyone.... 
I am sorry that you are feeling so down and upset...i think that really you are still in shock!!
I hope you do not think i am mind reading, but i can totally empathise with what you are saying...
Can i ask if you feel along these lines?
Do you feel so hurt because Bill supported you through your IVF and that he knew you when you were feeling so sad, wanting a child so badly? Do you feel as if you have been let down?
Did you feel safe with Bill because you never expected this news? a feeling of being let down?
Could you be feeling as if this wasn't supposed to happen to them? especially when they already have 7 children?
And do not worry if you do not relate to the partner, that might have nothing to do with the fact she is expecting...its probably because you are not keen.
I have always had a little resentment towards someone in my family, because this similiar situation happened to me..its an awful feeling, one that was not expected. It threw me into emotions i never expected to feel and all i can say is go with them, If you want to cry then cry...get angry if you have to...but try and share it with your partner, because i am sure that he  is hurting and this is bad for him..I think for men they feel alittle helpless and possibly that the one thing that you so want, they cannot give. This will cause great for your partner as well and of course it is his brother.....
When you get over this shock, maybe it would be good to get your head together of how you are 'both' going to deal with this situation? and don't do anything you cannot cope with at the moment...
If you are honest with yourself could you cope with Bill at the moment and i am not sure he will not know exactly what to say at the moment?As you said maybe he is staying away, because he genuinely feels for you both..
Have you thought about writing a letter and getting your anger out. Then in a few days time write another one...and again keep repeating it, until you feel that you can cope alittle better. Its very powerful stuff, but you will find a little light hearted in time..
Hey Peryone don't be hard on yourself...we always put this down to jeolousy because we feel this must be the right emotion to what we are feeling?I put it down to hurt, then hurt, then hurt...because if you looked at yourself in other situations are you normally a jeolous person? probably not? We think we are jeolous or envious, but i put it down to wanting something that is only natural and its been taken away from us. We do not have the option of choosing...this is not the reaction of someone being jeolous, but someone who is hurting..
Please look after yourself...not easy i know...
lots of love astridxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Perkyone, sending you the warmest hugs.
It must be a huge extra agony for you that BIL is your dH's twin and to be tortured like that always thinking maybe the child looks like yours would (does that make sense?).
I think what Astrid said made good sense. With every preg announcement from familiy and friends it can feel like we have lost another person to confide in.
I wish I could be more helpful, just look after yourself, and let yourself cry as much as you need.
Ermey XXXX


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Good evening everyone,

Thanks again for your replies and especially Astrid - I think you have hit the nail on the head for me. 

I feel as if I have lost someone and I also feel my hubby is hurting but doesn't want to hurt his twin.  Yes I do feel let down.

I have seen BIL now.  It is difficult though and he has a loyalty to his new girlfriend and I am left feeling he doesn't really understand but he says he does.  He understands that I don't want to see her at all but that I don't want to lose him.  He also says he doesn't want to go back to how he felt before when he had his children with his wife - he used to feel very "guilty" and I used to feel awful for him feeling bad for us.  This time I need him to feel guilty and he isn't - if this makes sense.  I need him to feel guilty because he has only recently met this girlfriend and the baby wasn't planned.  We had been trying for 15 years to have children and he has an "accidental" one in just a few months. 

The rest of the family feel bad for us too and it is going to be an awkward Christmas and Boxing day as she will not be welcome.  I need BIL to be there as it is not fair for him to miss out on being with his family.  BIL is also supposed to be bringing his other three children on Boxing day and as they do not know the situation yet will find it odd if the girlfriend does not come too.  What a mess. .  It looks as if he will have to make a choice, family or girlfriend. 

Families and Christmas - I wish I was going away to a hot country. 

I think it is the twin thing that hurts most.  Though my hubby did manage to make a joke and said that "he has the brains and BIL has all the sperm!" 

I feel a little better since I have seen BIL but the whole problem will not go away and it is going to take a lot of time for me to get my head around it all again.  All I have done is get across to BIL that there is a problem with me seeing his girlfriend ever again as at the moment I hate her to bits.  I can't even think as far as what will happen when the baby arrives, as its not its fault   I'm grumbling on again so I'll be off now.  

I don't know what I would do without this site though, at least on here you all understand these odd feelings you can't explain.  Thank you all for helping 

Perkyone xx


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