# How long before you are forced to give up or go crazy?



## Tulip83 (Feb 11, 2014)

Hi ladies,

I guess I am posting because I am feeling very down and depressed at the moment, and of course, extremely lonely in my suffering as I find it hard to speak to anyone about this, even my friends and increasingly, my husband.

We have been TTC for over 6 years. I have mild PCOS but only have a delayed period approx. once a year and otherwise ovulate regularly (been tested over the years and no issue there). Hubby has low motility but high quality and quantity so again no big issue there...basically its unexplained infertility and although we have remained positive and strong throughout the years, I am reaching the end of my tether. We had one failed IFV round last year and will be doing another 2 rounds this year before we reach that point where we have to seriously consider giving up. 

Tbh I have lost all hope already and expect nothing from the 2 rounds we are planning. After so many years of disappointment I am finding it hard to have even a glimmer of hope but then I feel guilty because I tell myself I cannot go into a IVF round with that kind of negative attitude.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else is preparing their heart for potentially having to give up and how they are coping with that or if they know anyone who has accepted being childless and gone on to have a happy life? 

I feel like a black cloud is heading my way...and if the IVF doesn't work I am worried it will affect our marriage and I just don't know how I would cope psychologically with having to give up my dream of being a mother.

Any advice on how to stay positive (or just sane) would be appreciated


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## Chick34 (Jul 22, 2014)

Hi Tulip, ( warning! I seem to have written an essay! Got carried away, it felt good to write though, so thank you! I hope something feels connected to you.)

I couldn't read your message without replying. I don't write on here often, but just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone. 

i came off the pill 9 years ago, thinking let's have fun and see what happens! Ahh the good old days when trying for a baby was full of joy and excitement!!! How cynical we have become! I feel like having unexplained fertility is the cruelest thing to of happened to me. All I ever wanted was children. I feel that pain and loss every day, as I'm sure you do. Some days worse then others.

I sometimes feel like I am in a baby race with pretty much every women on the planet, and I am losing dismally! In fact I think we have lost, I just can't accept it.
I have lost count of the amount of friends, family and colleagues, who have sailed gracefully into parenthood. Some having two or more children in the time My husband and I have achieved nothing.

I have started to feel detached from friends and familiy, and I sense a lot of awkwardness, people just don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what I want them to say anymore.  My best friend of 15 years had a baby last year. It made me so sad to realise that our friendship was so different now. Her baby is her whole life, and yes I am very jealous. I am only human. We don't really talk about IVf anymore.

My husband and I went through a difficult patch last year, I almost thought we would need couples counselling. We just stopped communicating, I didn't want him to touch me. I recognised how hard the ivf was, and it was only the beginning. Accepting infertility I think takes along time.
I started seeing a counsellor which helped.  

Maybe this would be an idea for you. It allows you to talk a perfect stranger who will give you the space to look deeply at your inner feelings and fears. Take your time to find someone you feel comfortable with and someone who specialise in fertility issues. Then  when you feel stronger you may be able to open up to a close friend or your husband.  I am also attending our local infertility support meeting for the first time next week. For me this is really out of my comfort zone as I am quite shy. But I just really need to feel the support of other women right now who can relate to this situation. None of my friends have had ivf or are infertile. I feel so different to everyone I know. I hope these meetings could help the loneliness. Is this an option for you in your area? 

Don't be hard on yourself. Or the people around you. I sometimes get so angry with my self because I think I should be coping better. I get angry and frustrated because my mum won't talk to me about the ivf, but she doesn't  know what to say. My friends seem scared to ask me. None of these people are mind readers though. They probably want to talk but don't know how. It seems it is up to us to invite people in to these conversations, let them know you need to open up, that you are scared and confused. But only do this when you feel ready, People mean well, but sometimes say silly things! I got so fed up with people telling me stories of a friend of a friend who got pregnant after 12 rounds of ivf!!! So don't give up!!! Or some other useless bit of information!!
Please keep talking to your husband. They are the people we most need right now. You have to make sure your relationship can survive this.  I know it sounds cheesy, but just try and enjoy each other, like going to the movies, dinner, walks. Just quality time to remind you that your life with your husband right now, even without children, is a precious thing, and always will be.  It maybe wise to have a bit of time to not talk 'babies'. 

i took myself off to the doctors last year, when I recognised eventually that I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I did a CBT Beating the Blues computer course, and took up running ( jogging really!). I didn't want to take antidepressants . ( I was worried about it effecting any future Ivf)  I think mild depression can be helped enormously with the right counsellor and excersise that gets the heart going and the endorphins pumping.  I am by no means an excersise freak, but I really believe the running helped so much. it helped me connect with the outdoors. I feel proud of myself, and see my fitness gradually getting better.

Ivf gives us hope to not give up. But it comes at a huge financial and emotional cost. 
I need to find the strength to go back one last time this year. 
Every time we go back for another round we are giving ourselves a chance, even if it is tiny. I fully expect to have a negative. Like you,  I can't seem to allow any positive thoughts enter my head. Any dream of actually having a baby were neatly tucked away in my brain years ago, and only rarely do they surface. I believe this is self protection. Under the circumstances it seems normal. We would go crazy if we walked around all day, day dreaming of our babies!  I have one more go in me, and I am already bracing myself for the pain and heartache to come.  But I feel like I have to do it. We always said three cycles of IVF.  I tied to walk away last year, but  now I am back.  I wonder if I might as well throw  10 thousands pounds out of the window and save the hassle to come.  But.... But, it's the last chance. You said you can go two more times. You still have a chance. You have to buy a ticket if you want to be in the raffle as my husband said earlier!!  
Accept with me, that this is going to be the worst or best time of our lives.  If we don't try we will never know.  
And after this is through, and if the worst happens, and we realise that we were just not meant to carry a child into this world, we will still be alive. Then we will grieve the loss that is so real to us.  We will feel the pain and  fall to pieces. How could you not when something so deeply profoundly strong has been lost. But then, you will find yourself again. You will see the beautiful things around you in your life, and you will keep going. 
starting to accept your infertility now is probably a healthy thing, I denied it all for too long, and ended up with anxiety and depression.  But you still have a chance.  look after your self emotionally. Look after your relationship with your husband. There are highs and lows coming for both of us. I tell my self, 'Don't be scared of your own life.' We are only here once. Xxxx


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi. I am due to start my 2nd fresh ivf cycle and unfortunately in my mind I feel like it's failed already.

I too don't want to go into this with a negative attitude but I think it's my defence mechanism after the devastation of my first failed round. I think I totally underestimated the effect it failing would have in me and I feel I carnt allow myself to get my hopes up to be knocked sideways again.  

I was thinking to myself yesterday in a way I just want to get the 2nd and 3rd cycle over with so then I can say to people I carnt have kids when they ask and not have to skirt around the subject as I don't want people knowing our situation. 

I feel like I have given up already and I am trying so hard not to feel this way so I am glad that I am not the only one. I read that people seem so excited to start again however I have just been dreading it since BFN in Nov. I don't like feeling like this especially  as I am lucky enough to get 3 nhs funded cycles when I know alot of people arnt lucky enough to get this.

Hopefully we may feel more positive once we start again. 

Wishing you the very best of luck xxx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi ladies, can I just thank chick34 for that post it struck a cord with me,  thank you.


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## Tulip83 (Feb 11, 2014)

Thank you so much ladies, Chick34 it is really nice to know that others out there know how it feels to be in this position and thanks for all the great advice  

Ames, I totally understand how you are feeling about the next IVF round. I guess we have to somehow force ourselves to think positively even if we know that by doing so there will be further to fall if there is a negative outcome. I too want to 'get it over with' in a sense as, once we have been through as much as we can medically, I would rather have one big grieving session and accept that kids are not going to happen, then have monthly grieving sessions for the next 15 years!

Its great having people on here to talk to, who completely get where you are coming from  good luck to all of us!


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

I just had to respond because all of these posts are basically how I feel. I got a BFN today on my second cycle. First in 2008, funded cycle. Then we moved and were offered funded cycle again last year. First tx was chem pg. Today a BFN. I'm 38 in April and we don't have funds for a paid cycle, nor do I think I could go through it again. The way I feel today I don't think I coukd. I thought 2ww was bad. But now I'd go back and enjoy not knowing and being PUPO. My heart is broken as I had allowed myself to imagine the whole thing. From scan, to telling everyone, to bump, to doing up the nursery, to birth and how this little baby (well actually twins in my fairytale) was going to bring so much joy and happiness. 
To then see negative test is like a knife straight through my gut and a shredder on my heart. I feel stupid I believed it. I feel broken that I can't seem to hold on to my beautiful embies. I feel lonely because with all the love and support around me, none of them get it. They try and they genuinely hurt for me. But they not been here. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow and the thought of trying to act normal is a nightmare. My head is killing from crying. I want to sleep but don't want to wake up and remember. My AF hasn't showed yet so I have that to look forward to. 
But I know I've just got to realign my mind to how it was before we ever got offered this second cycle. Plan some nice things maybe and somehow move on. 
Sorry for the miserable post. I just had to reply when I read all your posts above. So thank you for the chance to offload a bit xx


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Ladies, i deeply sympathise with you. I have been in that boat for 4 years: bnf,  mc,  chemical.  Endless retrievals and 5 ivfs before I got pg and got my baby, thank God! All of you must look into immune issues,  blood clotting,  insulin resistance.  Most of the time when results are missing,  an answer lies in these things. Don't forget to eat and drink healthy. Wish you bundle of joy soon!


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## Mrs G 0207 (Jul 8, 2014)

For me and my DH we have decided 2 rounds of icsi will be our lot. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. 
We really don't want to adopt (that's 1 thing I'm sick of people saying well you can always adopt, like that's the answer to infertility!!!) .
But you know what?  As long as I have my husband I honestly will be happy for the rest of my life. My husband is so much more to me than the potential father of my children. We have been through so much together to allow infertility to ruin our relationship.  Sometimes in life things just aren't meant to be..we just have to pick ourselves up and carry on.  
Best way to make god laugh? Tell him Your plans.


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

I am glad you mentioned the adoption thong MrsG ......god how many times has that been said to me. 

My mam actually said it to me and when I said that isn't a route that I personally feel I can go down you would think I had stabbed a puppy! The look on her face said it all. I sensed "well you can't be that desperate for kids then". 

I think people should realise that adoption isn't the answer for everybody. 

 to all the ladies venting.  This is a crappy thing to go through, we don't deserve it. But wishing all the luck for any future treatments or if it has come to an end for you all the very best for the future xxx


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

I know - adoption is a very different thing. And is often the answer for people, depending what their desire is.
My desire is to carry my own baby, feel it grow, go through pregnancy, and give birth to a little person that me and my hubby made. That's the dream.
And I think every woman deserves that chance, it's natural and it's not right that some are deprived of it. (And when you're at home in the day whilst going through fertility treatment, the worst thing in the world is Jeremy Kyle - these unwanted babies all over the place - I'm going to stop now!!   )

Best wishes to you all


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

That is my desire also. I want the pregnancy and birth, the sleep deprivation from a new born and my biological child. I know adoption is suitable for some people but not all however when struggling to conceive it seems to be a phrase that people will throw at you " well you can always look at adoption" and then they are shocked when it's a no. 

I am not saying it's something I will never look at but with 2 more cycles left I carnt think about that at the mo. 

Don't get me started with jezza! Lol...  you wouldn't think getting pregnant is a complex task and can only happen when everything hits the right spot at the right time....etc etc they seem to sneeze and wham....  xxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hi, reading all your stories is so helpful! im not the only 1 that feels your going mad. because that is how i feel. all of a sudden Im just unhappy and don't know how to pick myself up, we are in the middle of trying to discuss if we are ready to walk away from treatment. thanks you


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## penny48 (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi all wanted to pop on and give you all hope!!! Don't know if it's clear from signature but we had 2 m/c, 3 iui, 1 nhs I ivf, 2 self funded ivf.

We went aboard to serum for tx the best decision we have ever made, it's not hard and if you can hop on a plane to go on hols you can get on one to do ivf. Lots of people from here at clinic so language not a problem. They do things so differently.  There are so many different routes you can consider including donor sperm and eggs. Sometimes to get what we want you have to go down a road you never considered at the beginning.  Miracles can happen my first cycle I had three embryos put back no one took, second second everyone took and just up feeding  the triplets!!! Miracles can happen you use need to find out where they are. Wishing you all strength and best wishes on this heart breaking journey and hope you all get your dreams xxx


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

I have wondered about going abroad. When you went to Athens how many times did you go (for the first cycle we'll say) and how long did you stay each time?
Wow triplets!! How exciting!!x


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## penny48 (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi I went out twice once for a hysto and then cycle, cycle out there about 14 days, got scans done here, and email results, all very easy if you over think things. Only hard part is the short notice you need to travel due to scan results. Pm me if you would like more details xxx


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## Tulip83 (Feb 11, 2014)

Thanks ladies it is really nice to feel like I am not alone in the way I am feeling and I very much understand the ones who have mentioned adoption. We are not prepared to consider it and people look at you like you have a problem if you say it...like a couple of others on here the experience of carrying a baby is essential to me and God curse me if I dare say that I want a child that is biologically ours. I have the deepest respect for all who adopt but its not for everyone. Best of luck to all of us


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi tulip83, 

I second that, I have total respect for people who choose to adopt and I wish I felt as though i could do it. But at this stage I don't and I don't feel it's "the answer" to my want of having a child.  Also i have found with adoption generally it's unlikely you get a baby and I think for me personally it's crucial to have that baby bond - bottles, night feeds....even more so if I were to adopt.  Again that's just me. 

I just don't like the look of shock, at times even disgust when asked and I say no not for me. I think everybody is different and people should sometimes respect that and just because I am struggling g with fertility (not sure if i am actually classed as infertile....i think i am) the answer to everything is not adoption. 

Good luck for your next cycle xxx


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## Tulip83 (Feb 11, 2014)

Good luck to you too Ames xx


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

Just popped on to thank *chick34* for her epic post - which was really helpful and covered all the tricky parts of this journey.

Good luck to everyone both trying, and those trying to get their head around what to do

x

PS *sleepyT* hope you are getting yourself together OK, so very hard as you say in your post to read that poas. I too have been to Serum and it really is quite easy, and quite good fun! Good luck with your plans


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

Thank you ladies. It def interests me, could combine it with a break away, nobody would need to know, it's a case of getting the money together though.  I checked out the website after Penny's last message and it's certainly tempting. I'm going to go for my post-treatment consultation and see what info I can glean and if they will advise me on next steps. I'll also ask for all my notes in case we do venture over there. Apparently they have to give them to you. And you never know it could have vital info in there. I'm so in limbo right now feeling very impatient. Like months have passed since my BFN. It's literally only one week ago today! 

I'm doing ok though thank you artist mum! What's your next step? What's green light on uterus mean?xx


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