# Don't know where to turn



## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

I swore I wouldn't post on here because I was so certain that this time, my third time, it was going to happen for me and I was going to get that BFP.  
The 2ww was totally different this time.  I felt different.  I felt pregnant.  I was so very sure it had worked.  Now totally gutted.  Got my BFN on Thursday and started bleeding yesterday.  Can't even bring myself to make my followup appt at the clinic.  I know its totally self pitying but I can't even work.  My GP has signed me off work for two more weeks.  I have cried rivers, smashed plates, hit walls, sobbed and howled, but still the tears keep coming.  I think this time I might crack up completely.  You see we have run out of money.  And I turned 35 yrs in June.  It all seems to be going downhill.  My poor little frosties just didn't make it but I was so sure they had.  Even now I still think it must be wrong that the tests were all wrong (I did 4 HPTs).  How can I go on now?  My life is not complete without my baby and I can't bear to think I might have to live without my dream.  I know I have to pick myself up but it gets harder and harder.
My DP says we will find the money from somewhere to try again, but I'm not so sure.  My parents have helped us one, his parents have helped us the second time and we have remortgaged the house the third time.  

Oh god I am so very sorry girls for this post I hate to bring anyone else down .  I have been devasted to get the BFN when the site was down.  Luckily I had exchanged phone numbers with a few of my special Fertility Friends and have received loving and supportive texts and phone calls from them, but I missed you all so much.

A bad thing happened to me years ago and I think I am being punished.  I think someone doesn't think I deserve my baby but I am not a bad person and I would love and cherish my baby.  Oh god, sorry again girls, this post is so negative.  I am so sorry but I am hoping if I just write down all my feelings even if they are jumbled up it might help me make sense of things.  

Gonna go now cos I can't really see the screen anymore to be honest.  

Love
Tracy

PS - Just because I am down I am sorry, I am still overjoyed for all you girls with BFP's and I do wish you all the luck and happiness in the world xx


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Tracy hunny  

I honestly don't know what to say, I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all the hurt away and make everything better...life can be so "F"ing cruel sometimes...

Your post brought tears to my eyes as I was hoping to read good news from you and have missed not catching up daily with you these last few weeks...I seriously don't think those hackers have any idea how much upset they've caused by breaking our support network...

Take time to heal emotionally and physically...its so very very hard I know.  And please please don't go blaming what's happening now on something that happened in the past - you are a good, kind, supportive, brave, amazing, beautiful women and you don't deserve to be punished for anything...believe that 

Anyway, you know where I am if you ever wanna chat...
Take care hunny...thinking of you...

 

Natasha xx


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## nico67 (Feb 24, 2006)

hi 

I have been thinking of you the whole time the ff was off line Im sorry and your in the right place it was you that got me through the first few days of my BFN .

and its early days but seeing a counsellor really helped.

money has to be one of the major hills in all this mad mad world of IVF we had our first app at ARGC today and its mega bucks and i don't know where we will get the money . but I have to go 4 it just once.

sending you so so so so so much love

Nicola xxxxxxxxx


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## Pickle_99_uk (Dec 12, 2005)

Hi Tracy, 

I've been thinking about you loads.  I've posted to you on the egg sharing board.  PM me if you want to chat.

T xxx


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## weeble (Dec 5, 2005)

Tracy, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you got a BFN. Wish I had a magic wand and could change it for you hunny. You take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Sending you a huge hug. 
Love
Weeble xx


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Tracey
Just wrote you a long post and have lost it all sorry..

You don't know me but I've been on this site for a few months and have seen many strong supportive and kind posts from you - you seem like a really warm kind and generous person and whatever has happened to you  - you don't deserve this (no one does).
I'm sure you are feeling in the depths of despair at the moment especially with all the funding issues (I'm almost at the end of my finances and know how it feels). At 35 you  do have time on your side honestly although it may not feel like it.....
You every right to shout, scream cry and let it all out, you bl**dy well deserve to. I wish i could make it all better for you and all of us....i always try to remember when i am down that your state of mind changes from day to day and even though it may not feel like it, tomorrow is just that, the unknown, which is just as likely to bring you good things as anything else.
Try to give yourself some time and talk to yourself in the same kind and generous way that you do to the other girls on the site.
I'm sure everyone is thinking of you.
Take care
xx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

tracey  to you, never apologise for posting! Thats whats so great about ff!  There are people who understand

love and hugs

suzie xxx


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

Tracy my love,  

Smash all the plates you want babes! Cry those tears, sod everything else at the moment.

You need time to get your head and heart together and grieve for your babies. No matter what words of comfort people say to you it won't make that hurt go away. 

You've given so much support and positivity to people, now it's our turn to return that kindness. You are not being punished for anything that's happened in the past and there's nothing that you've done wrong. So please don't think that you are to blame for anything.

Sending you all my love hugs and kisses

Vicki x


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## billie3 (May 25, 2006)

Hi Tracy,

I just had to reply to your post as it is so close to what I am feeling right now and itmake me cry. I'm so sorry about your BFN. I too had a BFN this week and I'm devastated - like you, I was sure it had worked this time but no.

I've been struggling with the 'what have I done to deserve this' & 'why me?' questions for a long time. I feel like my life has been totally s**t with no good bits, only bad stuff. All around me people are easily having babies - why can't I? - it would be so loved. It's nothing that we have done but it feels like someone is out to get you doesn't it?

I feel frustrated and angry. This last attempt resulted in only 2 mature eggs out of only 4 collected, both luckily fertilised. I was on 375 gonal f and it took 16 days stimms before collection. The unit says it is poor because of endo affecting my remaining ovary. 

That alone makes me want to cry and scream as I knew 10 years ago, when my endo was first diagnosed, that if I didn't try to to get pregnant soon, it would probably get worse. My dh was totally against having a baby then and I didn't have any choice but to wait until he was ready - of course by then it was too late - the endo had spread which brought me to IVF. I have issues with this which are going to have to be dealt with, I know. I'm very unsure of the direction my life and marriage is going in right now.

I very much doubt that I can go through this again, taking into account the poor response and the fact that even if you get embryos successfully transferred, there is only a 1 in 3 or 4(?) chance of them sticking. Those odds are cr*p. It's too much to take, not to mention the costs.

At the moment, I'm trying to take it an hour at a time. If I think any further than that, I feel very sick and want to lie down and go to sleep so I don't have to live with this pain. I can't eat anything and can't concentrate at work. The thought of the rest of my life without a child puts a chill through me. Someone please give me a sedative!!

Sorry for the miserable post but it helps to get it off my chest when there's no-one else to talk to. 

Take care of yourself - maybe we will both be feeling better in a week or so.
Billie xx


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## Guest (Aug 16, 2006)

Hi Tracy (and everyone else!)

So sorry you didn't get your dream honey. I am SO at exactly that stage now so I do understand. I found out on 11th Aug that we had our 2nd BFN. I can't remember the last time I felt this emotionally unstable. I have also shouted, screamed, cried. I actually came home from work today cos I was just sitting at my desk crying....

It makes you feel so lost and empty doesn't it. To me this is similar to a miscarriage as we know we have embies in us. I think we have to let ourselves grieve, have time off work if we want to and generally be selfish for a bit.

Like Nicola said counselling might help (which I'm having tomorrow for the first time in years) - at least its a time and space dedicated to us and how we are feeling. I'm also joining a local support group - could you find out if you might have one? 

Anyway hon, take care of yourself.

Angie X


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Hi Tracy,

Been waiting over 2 weeks to send you this  

I've been locked out the site ever since it crashed and only got my account re-activated yesterday. Wanted to thank you again for all the support you gave me on the 2ww thread when I got my   Also wanted you to know that I was thinking of you on the 27th and soooooo hoping that you would be another  for the July testers gang.

Felt so   when I read your post. Hope you've managed some lighter moments in the recent days and I see you're back posting and making us all   again. Wishing you well in your future journey down the IF road and hoping you get the pot of gold at the end of the   someday soon.

Love and hugs to you & DP too

Maz xxx


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## karrie anne (Sep 13, 2006)

Hi there,  I have just reade you message and know exactly what you are going through.  I received my period the afternoon b4 my pregnancy test.  One week later I turned 35.  I couldn't celebrate my b day.  I feel like I have a pac man inside me eating my flesh away.  This is the worst I have ever felt.  I started trying when I was 31 and still I have got nowhere.  I did conceive twins last year but underwent a very traumatic miscarriage in January.  Since then I have had 5 fertility trts with no luck.  I fear I had my chance and lost it.  I feel such fear with my age now.  Everyne around me has had children with no problems.  I know absolutely no one that is undergoing this torture.  I feel so isolated.  I feel I have nothing in common with normal women anymore.
I have lost my personality through this.  I feel totally destroyed.  I too, cannot work.  I avoid everyone.  And every day I cannot see the point of getting up.  I do not know what to do with my time.  I woke up this morning with feelings of huge anxiety and just wander aroud the house feeling so lonely and isolated.  My mum has come up but I just can't speak to her, she doesn't understand.  Just last week she said to me : "well you're the one who left it too late, wanting a good time and spending money" or words to that effect. Last year my dad said to me rather flippantly whilst we were having a barbeque outside and just talking generally , he said "what if you don't have any children?".  I feel so hurt that they can say such things and not feel one once of remorse.  I feel as if my dad's words came true because I had the awful miscarriage (at 14 weeks) and then no trt has worked since.

Karrie anne


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

karrie anne i have replied to your other post but just want to add i too couldn't work and at one stage had panic attacks if i left the house all because of infertility and i haven't been through half as much as you. i now have a beautiful adopted (well will be very soon) little baby boy and have never been happier, i know adoption is not for everyone but please don't give up hope when our bodies let us down there are ways of taking back control whether it be more treatment, surragacy, donor cycles or adoption 

good luck for the future hun

pam xx


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## stardust76 (Sep 12, 2006)

hi Tracy after reeding you post i had to send you big hugs . 
love Amanda


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Karrie ann honey, I have only just seen your reply.
Sending you a huge huge hug my lovely lady.  I am always here if you need anyone to talk to, or just to rant to, or say anything at all really.
PM me honey, I really feel for you cos I know exactly how you feel
Love and hugs
Tracy
xxxx


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## weeble (Dec 5, 2005)

Awwww Karrie ann I do so feel for you darling. In fact I could have written your post at one stage.
Have you considered seeing your Gp and explaining how your feeling. Maybe he could offer you some help, couselling etc. 
Please try to get some help if you can hunny or you will escalate down to a place where its very hard to get back from. 

Love
weeble xx

PS Tracy big snogs coming your way.


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## pupz (Aug 12, 2006)

hi, I've just been skimming through the posts on here. I too am 35, have severe endo and have had two fets both bfn and the year before that a chemical pregnancy whilst on clomid.

I also knew that I had endo for years before I started "trying" with the perhaps inevitable results! I haven't even told my folks about this as I know for a fact that I would get the "it's my fault for waiting" thing . It's true that I and dh did do this whilst we built our careers and travelled and made sure we had a nice place to live. If I'm honest if i had my time again I would have started years ago but you need to remember:-

1. The choices you made at the time may not be the choices you would make now but that doesn't mean they were wrong . they were in fact the right choices for you at the time. Even if you feel it was your husband who held you back you did go along with it and there's nothing you can do about it now-let it go.

2.  there is no guarantee AT ALL that starting earlier would have made any difference-you really can't assume that so don't let it eat away at your soul.

3.  You are not at the end of the line. keep the faith and although you might hate me for saying this at this time-there is always adoption to try. You no doubt WILL make a fantastic mother and that is not out of your reach. just think how happy that could make you and a child that is just waiting for someone like you with a huge heart to come along. Agreed it is not the same . it's different from having your own children but not in a bad way. Just in a different way.

Take care.

X


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