# Have I really accepted it or am I heading for a fall??



## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hello Ladies (& gents?!)

You can see from my signature (if you have them enabled) that I've tried various treatments, all of them ended in the same way  .

On Monday, we were called to the clinic to understand why our 3 mature eggs, collected on Friday, fertilised abnormally. As with most things fertility related, they couldn't provide any definitives but it is likely that DH's sperm has DNA fragmentation. We could pay £1000 to have the tests to establish if this is the cause or 'try again'. However it is likely that abnormal fertilisation will occur again on any future treatment and is most probably the reason why our only  ended in miscarriage. This was our last treatment. 

I haven't cried about it, I haven't screamed or shouted about the unfairness of it. I just accepted it, pleased that TX was over and I wouldn't have to go through the pain of any more blood tests, injections, egg collection etc...Pleased that they have found something to explain why all the post intercourse headstands , baby making holidays, timed intercourse, acupuncture and swimming in fertile lakes (yes I've tried it!) will never work for us... Pleased that we have an answer. 

However I want a family, I want to hear my wonderful DH being called 'Daddy, I want to see him carrying our child on his shoulders like its the most natural thing in the world. I want him to teach our child to swim, to play on the beach, to read it a story, to make it laugh, to wipe its tears. To do all the normal things that others take for granted. He deserves that. *I want us to adopt. *

Now the problem is, I feel that I may have reached this conclusion too soon. Many other ladies grieve for weeks or months and then finally come to the realisation that they should adopt. Does this mean I haven't dealt with my grief properly?...or maybe I have been grieving for 5 years since our journey began which is why I feel that I have nothing left to give? 

I'm not naive, I know the adoption road is just as emotionally painful and I do have concerns that need addressing, but is it OK that adoption feels right so soon or am I heading for a huge delayed reaction of grief and realisation when the dust has settled? 

Would love to hear your thoughts/experiences as always...

xx  xx


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Hi Bunny Face,

I think only you can decide whether you are ready to move onto adoption or not but here is my experience if its any help!

I think I knew after our second attempt at ICIS that adoption would be our path but still had a third attemt just so that we could feel as though we had tried eveything we could, even going through the third attempt I was telling DH I wanted to move onto adoption if it didn't work, but he was a bit more reluctant at that stage so we waited about a year before starting to make some initial adoption enquiries, looking back I am so glad we waited - we had a life togeher again that wasn't monopolised by infertility - we went out for meals, went on holidays, spent money on fun things rather than saving obsessively for ICSI and it really brought us closer together - I didn't realise how much ICSI had put such a strain on us until we had this care free time together again!  We were approved to adopt in Oct 2010 and are now searching for our family and I am realy glad we had that break between having treatment and pursuing adoption.

Not sure if that helps at all oh and just to add that all though we are 100% commited to adoption and have definately put treatment behind us we still do have griefing moments when we think about not having birth children, I don't think it ever completely goes away.

Good luck in what you decide.

Princess Monica x


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## willswendy (Aug 17, 2004)

we had blood test and were preparing for more treatment in a new hospital but to be honest my heart wasnt in it anymore, I knew I wanted to move in.

Our friend lost her baby at just over 8 months, and that was it for me, I just didnt want to proceed and DH completely understood.

We then applied for adoption a few months later.  I still had a few wobbles through the process, thinking is this really for us, but here we are with our little boy tucked up in bed (hes been home just over 3 weeks).

I found the fantastic thing about adoption was, you can stop thinking of 'IF' and start planning for 'WHEN', once you are approved you are going to be mummy and daddy. 

The process takes a while, so anything can happen and you are not committed, but if you think its for you I would get the ball rolling asap!

Best wishes   

Wendy xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi 
Your history sounds similar to mine, we ended up in Spain as the UK didn't look into sperm issues as much and found we should never have been using DH's sperm in the first place.  By then we'd had enough, spent a fortune and I couldn't stand the thought of another needle.

We had already decided to adopt but put it off for 'one last go' the time I got pg and then mc'd, we then had a few more goes before calling it a day.  I phoned the LA less than 2 weeks later and things went pretty quickly after that.  Not all LAs will let you start soon after and as you have things that need addressing I would give yourself time to do that, but for us we had grieved for a long time before reaching the end of tx.

Good luck
OT x


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## Pinksarah (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Bunny Face

My story is also similar to yours.  We have been TTC for 5 years and have gone through IVF (treatment cancelled as I didn't produce enough follicles) and IVF using donor eggs (BFN).  The day we received our BFN we were on the phone to the local adoption agency registering our interest.    

I've spent the last year grieving and decided enough is enough.  The way I see it is we are desperate for a family, and no amount of treatment is going to provide us with one, so I allow myself to be excited at the chance to be a mother to a ready made family! 

Our council (and many others) are fairly strict that you have to wait 6 months between treatment ending and starting the official process, to give you think time.  Plus we are going to use the time to move house so we are closer to our families for support when we have our children.

I know this road is going to be as difficult as the IVF process, less physical prodding, more psychological prodding!  But we are prepared and willing to do this, and within a couple of years will have everything we have dreamed of!  

I think we all respond to things differently, but if you feel that adoption is the right route for you, then I think that's brilliant. 

Good luck to you and your DH.

Sarah x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi,

My heart goes out to you.  And like some of the others have said your story is a similar one to mine too.  I can so relate to what you are saying.

I MC on our 4th and final IVF and even though I felt crushed, down and sometimes on the edge of doing something silly at times for most of last year I literally woke up the day after the MC and felt like a huge weight had been lifted as I knew there would be no more treatment and was 100% up for the adoption rollercoaster.  I keep waiting for the horrid dark feelings to creep back in but it has been 4 months and I still feel positive and excited about the journey ahead.

Our LA warned us that they usually make you wait 6-12 months after treatment/MC depending on how your initial meeting with the social worker goes but we got approved immediately with no waiting.  I think this was because I had spoken to a grief counsellor before the last round of treatment to try and bring me back to a happy place and I think that really helped and the social worker went nuts writing when i mentioned that.  

Am guessing they will get you to discuss your feelings of loss, anger, grief etc in great detail throughout the process which will all help.

You are def. not alone - hope it goes well!
K


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Hi   

So sorry to hear about your last loss. Our story is similar to so many on here. We did take time out after the last IVF because we were emotionally and physically worn out from everything, but we actually really benefited from it, as we got to spend time together, like the old days (pre-IF days!!), to laugh, to have fun, to have holidays... of course IF never really goes away, but it raised it's head less and less, and over time we decided we'd be happy living just as us... 
... and that's when we decided to pursue adoption!!   

By the time we had our initial interview it was over a year since our last tx, and we started the prep process immediately. I have to say, yes there are times when it was hard (I cried a lot during the discussions on IF), but it is a much more enjoyable journey! It is much more positive experience to know you are going to make a real difference to someone's life... 

And you WILL get your family out of it... something we never really believed when doing tx. 

So, to your question, only you will know if you have accepted it, but you can only try. GOOD LUCK!


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

Hi there just wanted to say chin up it will happen


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## katena (Nov 14, 2007)

Hey,

Just wanted to say that it was so nice to read this thread and realise that there are so many people that have been through/going through the same as bunny face... and indeed me!

We're on our last FET - which we nearly cancelled ready to move on to adoption. I have been lurking around this thread for about 4 months now. Sadly our LA (Manchester) has a policy of waiting 1 yr before starting adoption. I understand the reasons - but its such a long time when i am almost ready to move on now. We're just having FET so we can tick a box and make sure we can tell our selves we did all we can!

k


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