# New and Dealing with Azoospermia *



## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi Everyone

I am so lost, so it is a relief to find somewhere to come to.  TTC since 2005. My DH has azoospermia.  We were given the results at the end of July following a biopsy.    I think in reality we knew that something was wrong following a number of tests over the last 12-18 months, but (maybe naively) we still had some hope.  

Our world, as we knew it, has been blown apart.   Nothing is what we thought it was going to be.  Our options are sperm donation, adoption or coming to terms with not having children.  I cannot entertain not having children.  The constant reminders around us of what we cannot have are unrelenting.

I would like to consider sperm donation, but my DH views this as the equivalent of me having an affair.  

I am so incredibly, deeply, sad and am currently having counselling to try to understand where to go next.  I would love to hear from other people in a similar situation either male or female.

xx


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## droogie (Aug 15, 2007)

Hi Milomoon

I just wanted to say hi and welcome. We've had the same result (though we are waiting to find out if it's a blockage or nothing there at all) so I can say I have some understanding of your feelings. What I can say though is that I have found this to be a great group and you will find plenty of support.

Hugs

Heather


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## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi Heather

Thank you for your welcome.  Do you know it is actually quite good to feel not quite so alone.  I really hope that it works out for you.  

We know that there is no sperm, so we are coming to terms with never being able to have a genetic child of our own.  But, I am hoping that we can find another path to go down to have a family, but it is still very raw at the moment and my DH is not able to talk about any alternatives.

Let me know how you do.

x


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Milomoon,

Firstly hello and welcome.  My DP was was diagnosed with complete azoospermia about 8 years ago.  It was a real shock especially for DP, he would not even consider sperm donation at the time as like your DH he considered it being the same as me having an affair, so we decided that we would never have kids.  However some years later (7), we decided that we would really like children and we felt there was something missing from our little unit.  So he agreed, and it worked and we now have a beautiful daughter.  He says it is the best thing he has ever decided to do and that he is glad that he changed his views towards it all.  We were also very lucky the clinic had a very good match for us and believe it or not Katelyn looks like my DP, everyone since she was born has said how she is the spitting image of her dad    I am sure your DH over time will start thinking about it especially if you really want children, you will definately get lots of help and advice on here.

Good luck
Emma
x x x x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello milomoon, welcome to Fertility Friends. 

Sorry to hear of the problems you have. It must have been an awful blow to you.  I think that Emma has demostrated quite effectively, how normal your DH's feelings are and how those feelings can change with time. What you and your DH are going through right now is a form of grief and it is only to be expected that it will take you time to accept your situation and move on to resolving it.
It might be worth you looking towards counselling with your DH as this can prove to be very helpful in making peace with your stiuation. It might even be helpful to direct your DH here where we have a men's room where he can discuss the situation with other azzospermic men.

I have left you a few links for you to check out, which I hope will prove helpful:

*Meanings ~ *CLICK HERE

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*Male factors ~ *CLICK HERE

*Donor sperm/eggs ~ *CLICK HERE

*Adoption & Fostering ~ *CLICK HERE

You can "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people from the same clinic as you.

We also have a newbie night in the chat room every week (see link for times / dates), where you can meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.
 CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

I hope you and your DH can find a way forward through this.

C~x


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## Lee Wray (Aug 10, 2007)

Hi,

Well I am the male perspective on this as I am a man with Azoospermia. I have posted quite a bit with regards to feelings and my decision making process in the introductions and starting out bit.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=107933.0

Your DH will have to come to terms with this in his own time. I have come to the conclusion that I am a little strange in the fact that I am quite pragmatic about it all.

For me I suppose it boils down to how you imagine your future. When I imagined my future and my children, I imagined little me's. I had images of me as a boy. I was a good looking little fella (now I look like a cross between Matt Lucas and Peter Kay but let's ignore that right now) and I could clearly see the face of my son. Brown hair, cheeky smile and a quick wit. The daughters I imagined looked like my sister. A bit of Tom boy but with a kind heart and a acid tongue. When you find out that you possibly (and there are options available to you) cannot have your own children, that dream is shattered.

When, as a man, I considered the options my childrens faces became strangers to me. I had no idea what they would look like? What they would like to do? How tall they would grow? What would they find funny? Would they reject me? Would they want their "real" Dad? Would other people notice that they were not mine?.....my mind went into a tailspin of what ifs.

I concluded after a long time of soul searching that any child, born of my genes or not, would be a stranger in the sense that it may not look like me, it may not like what i like, it may grow to be six foot six or five foot one. The point being that my whole future has always been imaginary and in truth I have not lost anything other than how my children will come into this world. It is likely that my children will come into this world due to the actions of a very kind man (these men are selfless, faceless people who have to make a very big commitment to donate - they are not dirty men) and a woman who means more to me than I ever knew possible. When my children are born I will see the face of the person I love most in the whole wide world reflected back at me. We will then begin the journey to get to know each other.

I recommend that you have a look on the Donor Conception Network for issues regarding donor sperm and there is alot of internet help out there as well as a huge number of people on here who know exactly what you are both going through.

I wish you all the luck in the world, it is the dark end of the tunnel but there is light at the end.

Kisses and bubbles

Lee
xx


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Spooks,

Yes you have replied in the right section, got the message ok.  Good luck with tx.

Emma
x x x x


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## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Gosh everyone - I am overwhelmed with your thoughts and words.  

Lee - your words are in a strange way a comfort as it helps to give me an insight into how DH is feeling.  He is an amazing man and it is very difficult to see him reacting like he is, as it is so contrary to how he generally is.  But, I know that everyone reacts in different ways and this is his way of reacting.  We have been talking all the way through this journey, so I know that DH is someone who is very in touch with his emotions and feelings.  I think that is probably why I am finding it harder that he is withdrawing now from talking.  But these things do take time.  

Emma - thanks for your thoughts too.  I am hoping that DH will become more receptive to other alternatives for having a family, but I can see that at the moment this is too much for him to bear.  

Caz - Thanks too for the links.  I will take a look at these and have suggested that it would be good for both of us to have counselling too, so maybe that will help with the direction we take.

I take sanctuary in not be alone.  Thank you everyone for your support.  

XX


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## Lee Wray (Aug 10, 2007)

Hello again,

It is important that your DH can talk about how he is feeling. By clamming up he will not be able to resolve his feelings and he may become bitter with his own thoughts.

Have you been offered any counselling? I must admit that I was a little apprehensive about counselling but I have found it a real help. It is also important to keep loving each other and keep the playful side of your relationship open. My wife and I initially put our world on hold and although we talked, we just talked about babies, the lack of sperm, what ifs.....we forgot to talk about that weirdo at work and the funny thing that happened to Karen the other day. Random stuff. Don't let it take over your lives...which is much easier said than done.

I am really nervous at the moment as we have our first appointment with the consultant in less than 4 hours.


Fingers crossed!


Lee
xx


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## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi Lee

I have suggested to DH some more joint counselling (I am currently going on my own to a seperate counseller).  We have been before and found it useful, so I think you are right that it is probably time to go again, as I am concerned with how he is reacting at the moment.

As for the fun side of things, I am currently taking some extended leave from work, just to think things through and sort out my emotions.  So, I am loving looking after DH.  He has never had so many home baked cakes!  We are also determined that each week we spend some time for just us - be it a bike ride, a walk or just cutting the hedge!  But good times together.

I understand the nervousness entirely.  I have fingers and toes crossed for your appointment.  I hope it is O.K.

xx


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## droogie (Aug 15, 2007)

Lee - I'm wafting good luck your way in case your appointment is in QMC as it'll be about now and I'm sat at my desk on the same floor as the clinic.

I think it's important to talk too, if we don't talk about it it becomes the elephant in the room that no one mentions. We do end up going over the same stuff (what could have caused it, is it fixable) but it helps. It also helps to keep a sense of humour when we can. DH keeps coming up with new ways to 'get them out' including me bringing home a young blonde female friend or making him a cup of tea when he wants one. He always was cheeky.

I think one way or another we will have a family, the bit I'm finding hardest is knowing it may not be a mix of us, and I have wondered since we first seriously went out what our kids would look like as I'm a pale curly headed half scot and he's chinese-nepalese and we have always talked about it and others have often commented too.  

Keep in touch Milomoon and Lee, you certainly are not alone

Heather


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## moss (Dec 4, 2006)

Hi Milomoon

I read your story and just felt I had to reply. You are in exactly the same situation as me only a year ago. My DH was diagnosed with azoospemia due to a chromosome problem. We decided to try the donor route using donor sperm and this is where we are now. Its the best decision for us and after councelling and talking it all through it gets easier. You have to grieve for what you cannot have and I still feel angry, hurt, sad and when I see or hear of people I know who are pregnant again and again it hurts so badly.

One piece of advice is be there for each other. You will have good days and bad. Just remember your not alone and talking really does help. 

Good luck on your path thats right for you both.

Sarah


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## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi Sarah 

Thank you for your thoughts.  You are absolutely right about the feelings and all those people around me that are pregnant.  I am sure there were never so many pregnant people that I knew or saw out and about.  I presume they must have always been there, it is just that I did not have cause to notice.  It is wierd too, as I am more effected by pregnant women than I probably am about the children.  

It is a relief to know that I can still feel sad, angry and hurt.  Some days I think for goodness sake surely I should be able to deal with this by now.  It has been hanging over us for so long.  But, in reality there are still more days when it hurts than days when it feels O.K.

Heather - I totally understand about wondering about what your child (with your DH and you) would have looked like.  My counseller asked me to describe that child - I could not.  The pain of thinking about it was too much to bear.  One of DH biggest issues with the situation is not being able to see characteristics or attributes of himself in the child.  Also DH was curious about what aspects would reveal themselves in our child.
You know the usual conversation "Don't they look just like they're Dad".  

But, I am pleased to have found some people at last that can understand.

xx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi *milomoon* and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic site full of advice and support and you have been left some great links to try out.

I wish you loads of luck with everything.

Kate xx​


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## Lee Wray (Aug 10, 2007)

I was just checking in to see how you are getting on.


Let me know.


Lee
xxx


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## Milomoon (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi Lee 

I thought I would give you an update under your profile - not sure I did it right, but hey that is how we learn!

x


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