# Ignorance is not bliss...



## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

I know this post may be a bit harsh but I really needed to vent because it frustrated me so much and I wondered if I was not alone in this. 

We were discussing our training days with some close friends. Not in too much detail but we were saying how powerful one of the exercises was where we could really identify with the children who have suffered neglect, abuse etc. they looked perplexed and asked why would they tell you all about that!!!

I explained that children who are up for adoption come from backgrounds where they need to be removed etc. They then said oh so you will be adopting a troubled child then. They honestly had no idea and when I suggested they watch the programme on TV so perhaps they could understand what process we are going through they said no it's too upsetting. 

To think we very nearly asked them to be our referees!

I know it's a bit harsh of me to expect them to understand but I was so frustrated that I needed to vent so thank you for allowing me to do that - you girls are amazing. 

Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing where people really have no idea why children are adopted etc


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## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

Yeah pretty much everyone I speak to!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Most! Even close friends & family who've been great and supportive now think all should be fine because LO was young and been home 18mths. No idea that the slightest change really causes fall out and upset at home and why I still appear over protective (I'm just more attuned to his subtle signals even more than DH).

I'm afraid your likely to face it through all your life (maybe not to much extent though). It doesn't overly upset me (just my mil but that's cos she tries to mother my boy rather than be a grandparent  at times). You do get a thicker skin and when worth it I try to do what you did and kindly open folks eyes other times I just have my select few who I can rant to (FF friends just get it). Your friend may surprise you and dig away at things after your chat.

But yes some folk would rather stay blinkered and I can understand that too. The more these shows open up debates etc the better it us for society.

Although work friends were talking generally and I found myself really backing out if the convo as it was too close for me and I didn't feel I wanted to get into personal stuff.
Hugs though as it really opens your eyes to your surrounding network.
X x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!
Sadly, your tale is far too common and true. I find i usually have 2 kinds of issues 
1) the 'poor dab syndrom' - awwwww god love him, was he sexually or physically abused?  i bet his mother was a druggy was she? Hes so lucky to have you and dh.arrrrrrrrrr no we re the lucky ones!!!!! People assuming they know why he was in care or even more amazingly that you will actually tell them! 

2) the parenting guru's !!!!!!! it never ceases to amaze me some how people assume to know best about my child. Our experience echoes gertie's. little man was 8 months old when he came to us nearly 11 months ago and I've lost count of the people who say 'your fussing too much, he can't remember moving, he was too young and it was ages ago'. 
He is amazing but he remains extremely clingy, does not handle change well and is very easily disregulated - yet time after time I've been told 'you want to start going out now and leaving him for a night.' Some people are fantastic and other People just don't get it. 

As sad as it is you very quickly learn to grow a very thick skin. No we aren't perfect parents and yes we get far too many things wrong BUT I know we are doing our best for our little man and I can live with that. 

Xxxxx


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## angel_lass (Sep 10, 2008)

Yes....because we are waiting to be matched we have family members constantly asking what's happening and telling us to "be careful" as we don't want an ex druggies kid or an alcoholics kid or one born into a "troubled" family wtf? That doesn't leave much then does it   they all seem to think we will share little ones story with them when he/she comes


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Loving this rant!!!!!! Hilarious!!! It is so true though! People have no idea what we are doing. They either give you hero status or victim status cos you couldnt have you own. One family member said infront of the children 'can see why you picked them' and later said 'can see why your changing their names they are awful' again infront of the kids. Obviously she is not getting another invite round. Oh and dont start me off on the .. 'well they wont be able to remember' when my daughter cries at night because of the physical abuse they suffered at the hands of their supposed real parents! ! They have no clue! 
It drives me mad. But sometimes it is funny!!! But I just cut people off who dont care about being realistic or polite! The world of adoption is hard to take.sometimes!.
X


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## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Thank you for your replys - I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I'm not alone with how I felt!!!


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## Ourturn (Oct 8, 2008)

We are early into placement with a 5 month old. Nobody knows her original name or background, not even close family or friends. Besides the security risk, we want our daughter to be known for who she is and not judged/tainted by others for her bp's bad choices x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

When I told one of my friends she said ' oh that will be lovely for to adopt a little child who has been orphoned, maybe their parents might of died in a car crash'!!!!
'Er it doesn't quite work like that ' was my answer...... 😖 xxx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

just sat here, reading and nodding   agree with all of the above


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh, absolutely!

My pet peeves:-

1) He's so lucky. No, WE'RE lucky. My Mum says this all the time and it really grates, like we've performed some gracious act of charity. Even though I've said to her again and again I'd rather she said, "you're doing a great job," she doesn't get it.
2) Oh, all children do that. Yes. And no. And not for the same reasons.
3) You will make sure they find you an intelligent one, won't you? Another one of Mum's beauties. Perversely I had a moment of panic when I realised Bug was actually smarter than we'd expected. ggg
4) Is he.... okay? What they really mean is was he abused/neglected/addicted etc is he disturbed/dumb/broken/naughty (their words, not mine). Yes, he's fine. And yes, he was and may be.
5) Oh, he'll forget all about it soon. Um, why? And why would you think this was a good thing?
6) I don't agree with them knowing where they came from, it's bad for them. Thanks for that. I'll get in touch with the adopters, adoptees, researchers, psychologists and social workers and let them know they're wrong, then.
7) Will you ever stop thinking that he's adopted and just think of him like a birth child. (This was actually well-intentioned, just badly phrased). No, because that would imply I'm ashamed of him being adopted, and actually I'm PROUD.
 Isn't he too old for a [dodi/blankie]? Is there an age limit? He gets comfort from them, and he needs and deserves comfort. I'm in the business of making sure he gets it, not taking it away.
9) Who did he learn that from?!?! Gasped in outrage when I mentioned he'd been hitting me. No-one. He learned it from feeling awful and hurting and not knowing how to express his pain and grief and trusting me to help him get it out. 
10) Do you know about his background. Yes. Everything.



But I guess I should balance with the other end of the scale:-
1) From my brother. "He's just THE most adorable boy. But, you're right, I can see the impact of his past in his behaviour." Brother gets the Family Member Who Paid Attention Prize. 
2) From Mum. "I think you're amazing. I think he's amazing. I love him so much!"
3) "You're doing an incredible job and you've come so far already. If you need to talk, just call. I can put you in touch with other adopters, if that helps?" Not, as you might think, our SWer, but our HV. 
4) "He adores you." Our SWer, when I thought he hated me and we were going to disrupt. 
5) "There is comfort in knowing he's found the place he was meant to be." From a birth family member in a Christmas card. So beautiful.
6) "I'm in awe of you. I think you're doing such a fabulous job." Mum at a playgroup, who gave me a gift when I barely knew her, and is now a good friend.
7) "He looks just like you!" Precious friends who get to see pictures. Not sure it's true, but I love to hear it!
 "He just settled so easily and so well!" From GPs. "That's because Mummy and Daddy did a lot of really good work with him. It's their hard work you're seeing." Response from social worker.
9) "I'm happy to talk to you about him and his needs any time you need to. We're here for him, and for you, whatever you need. I'd love to read the booklet you mention [on attachment disorder related behaviours in schools] as I'm a special guardian for a child with severe attachment difficulties and I've been researching and living with it for ten years." Head of Bug's new school.  
10) "Yes, let's do it again." Husband. Which is the biggest vote of confidence ever. 
11) "I wuv you, Mummy. Wots and wots." To me, from Bug. "Mummy is the bestest mummy in the whole wide world." From Bug, to Daddy.

Nuff said.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Lovely AoC (second part!). Brought a tear to my eye reading that x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

AOC: sob!!!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

AoC -brilliant reading and so very true!


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Great thread , so much we can all relate to!

AoC...brilliant post! I could have written most of the first section myself! 
I think the one that annoys me the most (I think someone mentioned it before is...so do you know their history? (which is so obviously phrased in a crafty way and actually means....'I'm dying to know their story, the more dramatic the better, please tell me!' )
To which I normally answer, 'oh yes of course we know his/her whole history' (and leave them hanging! )

I also hate the 'he's/she's so lucky' one  I know it's well meant as a compliment and I feel bad that it annoys me, but I normally reply (same as AoC).....NO..._WE_ are the lucky ones (ie Mummy & Daddy) to have been so blessed. That comment just annoys me on so many levels, and it feels good to not even have to start to explain here 

Anj x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

AoC - an announcement that you hope for a sibling! How fabulous. Xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

*g*  Thanks guys.  I made myself cry with that one!  LOL!


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## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

My new fave is...when do you get it then!? 

I am so annoying and blankly look at them and say.....get what!? 

How rude! Make sure you get a good looking one is other one I have this week.


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## *daisy-may* (Mar 20, 2009)

Great Thread.

We had a few comments from my mil about the children respecting us and about set backs we may have. This was actually written in our adoption card. We also had a comment about adoption being a special vocation!!


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