# Our Big Leap



## tinkytoes

Hello everyone, 

I have been glued to all your diaries over the last few weeks and have decided, what the heck, I'll give it a go myself.  I know I have gained so much valuable information from your posts and can only hope mine proves as helpful to others as yours have been for me.  I must also confess to shedding many tears reading your amazing stories and can only hope (pray  ) that I too will be blessed with a family life of my own (even if there are complete hellish moments   ).

Bit of background, Husband (H for ease) and i have had a zillion miscarriages, we could set an olympic record I'm sure, or be pretty high up the medal table, so we're giving all that the heave ho and have over the last year felt like a huge weight has lifted.  Seriously, it has been truly dire and I only wish we gave up earlier.  A few years ago I would never have believed I would have said that! 

Anyway, we have taken the plunge, been to the preparation course and currently in Stage One, referees been contacted and medicals set for next week.  I'll let you know what happens at the medical and at the moment the SW are only after written references from the referees.  The preparation course was so very good.  We have learnt so much about attachment and armed with so much info to begin thiinking about how we could parent LOs and to love and repair them.  I can already feel my heart burst as I type this, I so want to make a difference.  Some of you have actually posted your tips and advice as to parenting your children (please please keep them coming) which have been super invaluable, thank you for sharing this vital information.

H and I are hoping to adopt a sibling group (2 we think) of 0 to 4 years either two boys or boy anf girl, whether this will change during the process we will see.  H and I keep chatting about what we have learnt and how we can cope with 2, and we are still committed despite the challenges that lay ahead.  I am so very excited but nervous we may not get to the end.  What if they hate us.  I am sure you have all felt this.  

fingers, toes and all other long things crossed!

Thanks for listening, will check in after medicals 

Tinky


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## Tictoc

Welcome tinky. I didn't do a diary as I only discovered this site when we were on second adoption - I love following the diaries though and wish I had kept one from the beginning so I could remember it all. I honestly don't know how people manage with miscarriages and I hope this journey is easier than the one you have been on already.

We originally wanted to be approved for two but were only approved for one. Then 2 years after AD was placed we were approved to adopt again, just 2 months later our AS was placed with a sibling on the way - he then came to us 6 months later. It seemed like we spent so much of our life trying to have a family and suddenly I am a mother of 4 (all under 6) - arghhh!

Good luck with everything


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## tinkytoes

Hi Tictoc, thanks for your message, miscarriage is a truly miserable and awful experience, and yet I feel so much better than I was and at peace with it all now.  I enjoy life to the max and I am happy although still very desperate to have a family, there is a definate gap and yearning in our lives which can be sad at times.  

Thats amazing that you were approved for 4 (!) in such a short space of time, do you think it helped having them 'staggered' so to speak so you could tackle any behavioural issues more directly with each one kinda in turn?  We would like two but the more I read about attachment issues I wonder if one child would do better with us at first so he/she can have all our attention.  But H is very keen on two but it will be me who'll be giving up work (can't say I'm sad about that!  ) and be with them all the time so I'm worrying two will run rings round me!!!  I've read lots of books on attachment style parenting (Dan Hughes is brill) and whilst I feel equipped (even at this early stage) I can imagine the reality is going to be quite a shock.  Still, I would just love two. I wonder if you were disappointed to be approved for just one at first?

Thanks for sharing Tictoc   

Medicals tomorrow, I will update for those generally interested.  Neither myself or H have any big medical issues although I had depression 10 years ago relating to being ditched by an ex.  Was on anti depressants for 18 months.  but it was a long time ago and have already mentioned it to SW who didn't seem concerned. Hopefully all will be okay. 

tat ta for now


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## tinkytoes

Hi everyone,

a busy old week this week.

Had our medicals last Monday, went okay.  Around 30 minutes each (we went in one after the other), no bloods taken just urine test.  You complete the medical reort form in part chronicaling any mental/physical illnesses etc before you go in.  I've had depression previously so this went in mine, although nothing now.  Doctor then explained she would read my comments and then she would write dowm her comments looking over my notes.

She had my records from when I was born!  Was very interesting to note that my mother had taken me in for nappy rash when I was a few months old.  She said there was anything that she was concerned about but I asked her to comment on my depression 10 years previously, so said she was going to but wasn't worried and thought I was fine and had done well to come to terms with all our losses.  I am very lucky to have a very supportive GP.  

she checked height/weight/BMI (I am just under 25 - eeek!) she then performed the examination which at times was rather comical, she was a little embarrassed permforming it but it was to ensure that all reflexes and body movement are normal (sticking my tongue out was the weirdest of all!).

She asked me specifically about any lumps or bumps I was worried about, none presently but I checked my entire body when I got home to be sure and she said I would need a cholesterol test doing which I am booking back in for but otherwise she said the form would be sent off to the agency straight away and that the cholesterol info would follow.

So all in all, it was fine, it was actually quite enjoyable.  My GP was so lovely and said some very nice things about me/adoption generally and miscarriage.  

Since Monday we have received an email from the agency confirming dates for the stage 2 prep course although we are not supposed to take that as an invitiation to move onto stage 2 (I guess thats because we have one reference outstanding - friend has been nudged!).

So we are feeling pretty happy.  I'm also head down in the books learning more and more about attachment theory and therapeutic care.  It is fascinating!  I'm seriously thinking of a career in social work! 

That's all for now, wil check in again when I have news of stage 2 (please please please  )


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## ciacox

Sounds like things are going great!


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## tinkytoes

Thanks, yes things good so far, lots of activity in the last 7 days!  email from SW to confirm dates for stage 2 prep group days but not to take that as a formal invitation for stage 2.  Bit worried though as the dates are only in 2 weeks time and our DBS's aren't back nor our medical reports.  One referee outstanding (SW emailed - very proactive I thought), the referee has been forceably nudged but with promises of dinner as a carrot.  I'll call GP surgery on Monday and give that a nudge and then that will leave the DBS's and I would be sooooo disappointed if we can't continue onto stage 2 and the prep course without them as things are moving super quickly.  It has only been around 7 weeks since initial tel call, I can't believe we are on the edge of moving into stage 2.  I asked SW if there was anything we could do about nudging DBS but told her not to respond to my email if there was nothing we could do.  She didn't respond   so sitting tight.  Has anyone moved onto Stage 2 without their DBSs?

Thats all for now, I will keep you all posted, thanks for listening.


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## ciacox

We didn't have ours when we moved to stage 2. The LA had stopped having it as a requirement as it was delaying so many people moving through stages. Fingers crossed it'll no hold you up!


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## Mrs.M

Tinkytoes just wanted to wish you luck on your journey!! We are at the very beginning of ours, awaiting information evening in 2 weeks   so I'll be very interested to keep up to date with your diaries!

xx


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## tinkytoes

Hi, thought I should pop on for an update.

Soooo, all our stage one checks are back and so far okay except for DBS although H's DBS is back, just mine to go.  

SW invited us to stage 2 prep course in any event and this was great, so useful, we even did a mock panel session, I can't believe I was so nervous and it was only pretend!  Was lovely to see everyone again too although one couple was missing   

It is clear the work H and I have done over the last month has paid off and I really appreciate why we have to go through this process before we can be approved.  Been a little cross with friends of late, one even asked me 'yeah, but you're still trying to have a baby of your own'.  I was pretty hacked off.  Some people just don't get how serious this is.  It is not a last resort. It is upsetting that they perceive it as that. 

Anyway, the SW said that we should be progressing onto stage 2 middle of this month so will keep checking my inbox and will let you know if   we are successful.  

Mrs M how did your meeting go, have you been yet?  I hope you decide to go for it, its an amazing journey but very worrying too, I am constantly worried we will be rejected although my H says I am completely irrational (and I know I am worrier   ) .

Fingers and toes crossed for stage 2! 

thanks for listening xx


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## Tictoc

Try not to get too offended by stupid things other people say. I was really offended by my parents attitude first time round and it turns out they were so worried that we were setting ourselves up for disappointment as they thought the process would never end and we would never have our daughter. There attitude changed the day she arrived.

Good luck with everything - I am a worrier too so I know how you feel!


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## tinkytoes

Hi everyone, thought I'd provide and update although nothing much has happened for ages and we are starting to feel forgotten   

After a really promising start, we've flown through both stage 1 and stage 2 preparation courses (although we are not in stage 2 officially), both excellent, our references are in, DBS checks done, medicals were done in beginning of Sept but as yet have not been sent from the assessor to the SW although no-one seems to be able to tell me (or want to tell me) that the reports have definately been received by the assessor from our GP.  Equally I don't want to press for information as don't wnt to appear impatient.  Last I heard was the SW telling me she would check with the assessor but this was over 4 weeks ago now.  I get the impression they are either overworked (which I know is a given for SS) or they're no longer interested us.  There was an issue regarding our DBS and I was particularly unimpressed with the SW attitudes but that has since resolved itself so I am conscious by calling about the medical reports will just look pants.  

So we are just waiting and waiting and feeling more and more that we have made a poor choice with our LA.  I've decided it is reasonable that we wait till Chirstmas and if we have not heard by then, it will be five monnths in stage 1 and at that point will speak to SW and if no joy wil take it further to her manager.  Does anyone think that would be unreasonable?

Thanks


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## poppy05

Hi tinkytoes
I just wanted to say that stage 1 can really drag, particularly when it comes to getting the medicals back, i think ours took around 6-8 weeks? 
we started stage 1 in jan, and stage 2 didnt officially start until july, it is very annoying and frustrating, and every single day you feel like phoning up to see whats going on.
I think if i were you i would probably give it another couple of weeks then chase it up.
Really hope you hear back asap! 


poppy xx


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## sonyab1983

Hi,


I hope you don't mind me jumping in, but i'd like to follow your journey. I am in the early stages. Have done the 3 day course and filled in a few forms, we have our first visit from the social worker this Thursday, so currently reading lots 

Wishing you all the luck in the world  xx


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## tinkytoes

Hi everyone, hope you guys are all well.  Thanks so much for all your messages, I look forward to reading your updates!!!  Poppy, I saw you were approved - congrats!! How's things ticking along?  Any matches on the horizon? Sonyab, you must be a good way through stage one by now, how was the training?  

general update from me.  We are now in stage 2 (phew), in fact not long after my last post we received the call to tell us we were being moved to stage 2, it is easy to feel ignored I know we certainly did but it proved not to be the case at all  so I hope that helps someone who may be feeling a bit down presently.  

I've since had the opportunity to raise some stuff I had been worrying about which seems to be okay.  It is such a relief.  I've also had my one to one and I actually enjoyed it (is that weird?!), our SW is just so lovely, I could natter on to her all day (although she was probably bored out of her mind!).  H and I have some more sessions to go and then we have a panel date in  2017 which is reassuring too. 

So busy busy getting house sorted for the health and safety check (lots to do) and swatting up on our reading. My tip for anyone in stage 1 is to get your childhood history etc stuff done before stage 2 as it takes a long time particularly if you are like me and cannot remember dates etc.  Luckily I started it in stage 1 but only just got it finished in time.  It was very time consuming. 

Haven't had any awful or difficult q's yet but time will tell!  Got about 3 sessions left.  

Speak soon guys


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## tinkytoes

Hey everyone, doesn't time fly!!!! When I started this process I was so envious of other's diaries where they were just before or after panel and here I am six weeks away from my very own panel date!!! 

Nothing much to report other than everything is going amazingly well.  SW says she is not concerned in the slightest and that we should be fine.  The safety inspection has yet to be done thought and this is now my new worry. So lots to do in the coming weeks but all in all I am feeling relaxed, happy and excited.  

Likely not post now until the big day as don't want to jinx it but will happily contribute to other's diaries and help out where I can.

Thanks for reading    See you early March !!!!


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## Dawn86

Tinky no one is going to jinx you! You're so positive and committed and it's great to hear that things are going so well. Sounds like you're sailing through and you deserve this after all the miscarriage horribleness. I look forward to hearing how you get on. Sending you the best of luck Xx


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## tinkytoes

aw thanks ! xx


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## tinkytoes

Morning everyone, come on for a bit of a grumble. I was out last night with friends and we were talking about the adoption.  I mentioned my concerns about the children having significant attachment issues or developmental problems, fas related or otherwise and basically my worries that I'll not be able  meet the children's needs etc. The same stuff I know we all worry about. Anyhow the conversation turned to, you'll be great etc which was all very supportive but then it went ice this, 'it's no different to how parents of biological feel, they don't know what they're eating either' 'they're is no manual for being a parent' 'all they need is love' etc etc.  This is from the same girl who wondered why we weren't trying to have a biological baby during the process.  I then spent much time explaining the basics of attachment disorder, for the second time! And gently explaining that really the parenting of looked after children is so very different to nurtured biological children. Again for the second time. Also added that in fact there are plenty of 'manuals' out there and really it only takes a trip to the bookshop or a search online to find them. Anyhow the conversation became fairly heated, I felt as if they thought I was being silly, they didn't actually believe me in the theory and dismissed what I said. The thing is I am increasingly coming up against this attitude in my support network and it's beginning to make me feel isolated. I've read other diaries and I know this is common and I'll just have to lump it but my god how flipping annoying!

Rant finished! Thanks for listening xxx


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## tinkytoes

Ha ha 'eating' means getting sorry


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## Dawn86

Tinky, could I suggest another way of looking at it? I would try to divide and conquer in terms of the support you need. When you need support that is specific to adopting, you have places like FF and the couples that you meet through the adoption process to rant with. And when you need a general parenting grumble, you can talk with your other friends who just don't 'get' it. I think the problem is that people genuinely can't understand the worries that we have because of the adopting knowledge that we acquire, and the process that we go through including stage 1 and 2 training. Also, I think we IFs, especially those that have had many failures over many years, have generally had to take a series of knocks that most people couldn't fathom. Grief, loss, suffering - it changes you. You are stronger, but you are softer. More vulnerable and more resilient. Much more empathetic. And you will be an awesome mum. I'm not saying we're better humans or anything holier-than-thou about it - we're just more compassionate than your ordinary 2.4 family that fell pregnant in the first month of trying. Or even the first IVF of trying. 

Don't be too hard on yourself or your support network. Forgive them. They don't get it. It's not malicious.

And in fact, I might look at it as a positive. I have this fear of being abnormal and always marked out as the one woman anyone in my real life knows who adopted (I have literally only met one infertile couple in my whole real life. My circle of acquaintances must be a statistical freak). So if someone said about me and my adopted child 'oh, you're just like any other mum, and your child just like any other child', I'd be genuinely chuffed about being so normal  Big hugs. Xx


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## Perkins2

Tinkytoes I hope you feel better for your rant. I had the same thing with one of my friends who was dismissive when I was upset we might not be able to move to the house we wanted due to the adoption process timings. Firstly she compared my situation to her own (always annoying if they are nothing alike) Secondly she thought we could just move to a similar house in a few years after the adoption. I explained to her about attachment etc & how the children would struggle to change bedrooms let alone move house again. I kind of got the impression she thought I was over egging it. I'm definitely going to do what Dawn said & try & keep my adoption concerns to this forum where people are more informed. Thank god for forums like this stopping infertility & adoption being a lonely old world!! Xx


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## tinkytoes

Hi guys,

Aw thanks for your support, really appreciate it.  I've stopped being all ranty now and just getting on with it, glad you guys are here to chat things over with   

As to that, I have a question!  I know I said I wouldn't come back on until panel but lots has happened this week and I really need your advice.  We have joined Linkmaker thinking this could be something we could be doing whilst waiting for panel (and SW encouraged us).  Since then we have seen two profiles that immediately jump out at us.  The first pair of siblings are just gorgeous, we are very smitten and think we are a good match for the issues they have bless them but they are a little older than we had aimed for (they will likely be 4 and 3 if placed quickly) but still in our age range just at the upper end.  The other pair, beautiful siblings with issues that again we are a good match for are towards the lower end of our age range (1 - 2 by the time placed - if quickly).  We are so torn!  My head says younger but my heart (and a bit of head) says the older two. 

Also, our SW has mentioned the possibility of a local match with a local LA which is exciting and I feel that perhaps a SW led approach is the better way. 

My question is, is it okay to raise initial queries for several potential matches at the same time?  Is that wrong?  Does it make us look shallow?  I am thinking that the volume of interested adopters for each sibling pair on Linkmaker will mean that it is highly unlikely that we will be matched on linkmaker although I know never say never but equally I don't not want to try. 

It's all very confusing! 

Thanks


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## Dawn86

Tinky I don't know enough about it as I'm not at that stage. However if I was in your position I'd probably register interest for both pairs of siblings. It's so competitive that I don't know how long I'll have to wait for a match so I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity. How exciting for you! x


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## tinkytoes

Thanks Dawn, yes in the end we thought the same.  We sought the advice of our SW and she made us feel better abou the whole thing and that it is ok to raise multiple queries.  So we have. (!!!).  Likely amount to nothing as Linkmaker is nationwide so I can imagine each profile will generate a lot of interest but hey ho we have given it a go.  I rather expect nothing much can happen until we are approved anyway. 4 weeks tomorrow!!!! I cannot quite believe it. I am praying we are approved  

Dawn, how are you feeling?  I've been keeping an eye on your diary, it sounds as though your head is getting in the right place.  I think you're doing amazingly.  I know you probably disagree.  You're going through all the crap you need to.  It's good progress. It will be June before you know it. 

xxx


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## tinkytoes

Hi guys, it's our panel day tomorrow and I've very suddenly become very nervous, thought I felt confident but now not so. Think its just nerves, I'll let you all know how it goes. But in the meantime any tips from those in the know?! Eeeek! Xx


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## ciacox

You'll be brilliant. I found it weird but positive. A bit like going for a job interview where you're fairly sure the job is yours. People want you to do well. Just talk through a few obvious questions with your partner (are you up for sleepless nights? / how will you gt support if you need it?). Good luck!


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## Dawn86

Good luck Tinky! I'm sending love and prayers x


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## tinkytoes

Hello everyone, I'm so very happy to tell you all that today we were approved!!!!!!! My god, today I'm basically pregnant! I only hope it doesn't last years. But for now, I know I'll be a mummy, one day and that is priceless. Thank you to whoever looked upon us today and gave us a break. Love to you all and all the support. I'll keep you posted on links. X


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## Dawn86

Fantastic news!! So chuffed for you. Big hugs


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## ciacox

Woohoo!!! You are definitely an expectant mama now!


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## tinkytoes

Aw thanks guys! so chuffed!

We now have two potential links on the go.  One of them we have been shortlisted for (!!!!)  

We have let one potential match go already (was gutted but it wasn't right for us in the end).

Exciting times!!! Will keep you posted.

xx


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## tinkytoes

Wow, it has been ages since I last wrote.

Well those two potential links ended up being two full siblings and we go to Matching Panel at a couple of weeks time!  We have been very fortunate to meet them twice already and spend time with them and they are gorgeous, just totally gorgeous and I never really thought I would feel this way so quickly.  For me love has smacked me right in the face, a real gotcha in the chest feeling that makes my eyes leak and face smile.  If this is the beginning of loving small special people then I am there already.  If it isn't then what is surely on its way will be beautiful.  It's amazing and I am so grateful for it all, I never fully believed I would be a mummy (although I am not there yet!). 

Anyway, back to planet earth - we are busy preparing rooms, buying all the paraphernalia that comes with a toddler and baby (double decker pushchair!) and busy hovering up all the handme downs from all sources.  I'll check back ni after MP and let you know how it goes.

Thank you to everyone who is has supported me, especially at the beginning when I was such a worrier and I hope my diary has helped at least one person during the assessment process which is why I did it. 

Speak soon xxx


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