# Am I too young to adopt?



## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

Hi everyone,

My name is Louise and I'm new to this forum. It seemed like the friendliest one so I chose to post here. I'd firstly like to explain how I have ended up here.

My husband and I have tried to conceive for 13 months now and no joy. At this point we could go to the doctor and ask for fertility tests, consider IVF etc etc. However, I personally feel that adoption _(something that is often considered a last resort by others)_ is something that I would rather do. My husband was a little disheartened at first but soon came around to the idea after doing a little research. Why struggle to create a new child when there are already so many that need new parents?

Obviously I have a lot of questions but my first one is this.. would my age put off agencies? I am 24 and my husband is 30. We have been together for 7 years and married for 1 year. We own our own property (a 2 bedroom flat) and are both employed full time. I'm not sure if income matters but we earn 75k+ collectively. I feel that my credentials are all pretty good but I am worried that people under 25 might not be taken seriously. Does anybody have an experience on the matter?


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Hiya

I don't really know for certain as I am ancient in adoption terms but 24 does seem very young.  Although you are in a stable relationship, got a nice flat and have a fabulous income all those things are very important I do feel that your age my well be something social workers might be concerned about.  Whatever agency you choose will scrutinise your lives together and explore your feelings about infertility and the choices your are making or not making, any differences between you ie. husband would like a chance of IVF versus your not so keen will be looked at in depth.

What you will find out during the process is adopting a child is not the same as having a birth child and a lot of children even the babies have suffered quite a lot in their short lives which can have an impact on them going forward.

My advice is phone a few agencies and have a chat and see what they say about your age,  I am no expert at all and you do seem to have a good foundation so it would be a shame if age was a barrier.

Very best wishes, come back and let us know how you get on.

xxx

P.S I am very jealous of your youth I am nearly double yours!!


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

funnychic said:


> Hiya
> 
> I don't really know for certain as I am ancient in adoption terms but 24 does seem very young. Although you are in a stable relationship, got a nice flat and have a fabulous income all those things are very important I do feel that your age my well be something social workers might be concerned about. Whatever agency you choose will scrutinise your lives together and explore your feelings about infertility and the choices your are making or not making, any differences between you ie. husband would like a chance of IVF versus your not so keen will be looked at in depth.
> 
> ...


Hi funnychic. Thank you so much for replying. Your opinion is really helpful. Anything that I can learn that will prepare us for the scrutiny of the agencies is going to be very beneficial. May I ask your age when you applied for adoption?

I have been doing as much reading as possible and it seems that you are right about even young babies having been impacted from their very early experiences. But this is one of the reasons that I want to adopt - I want to make things right for them.

I can only imagine the trials and tribulations of taking on orphan but I believe that my husband and I are pretty strong people. I'm sure that we could make it work.


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## custard (Jan 20, 2006)

Legally you just need to be over 21 to be able to adopt.


I wonder whether the fact that you're asking the question means that you are wondering about it yourself? (I'm only asking questions - not wishing to impose an outside view on you.) 


You'll need to be ready to discuss all areas of your life and attitudes, background and relationships, support network and stability, and you'll need to convince the SW that you are certain that you don't want to have a child biologically at this time.


You'll also need to bear in mind that almost no children that are placed for adoption are orphans. Their parents are still alive, but unable to care for them adequately.


If you're certain, then ring round some agencies, find one that suits you and go for it!
Good luck!
Jen x


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

custard said:


> Legally you just need to be over 21 to be able to adopt.
> 
> I wonder whether the fact that you're asking the question means that you are wondering about it yourself? (I'm only asking questions - not wishing to impose an outside view on you.)
> 
> ...


Hi custard,

Thanks for your reply.

No I am definitely ready in myself. I started my career young, I married young, my friends are all in their 30s. I think I'm just a bit older than my years.

Sorry for using the term orphan. I knew it wasn't quite right as I wrote it but I couldn't think of the correct term. Is it adoptees?



> you'll need to convince the SW that you are certain that you don't want to have a child biologically at this time.


This is an interesting point that I hadn't given much thought yet. We assume that we have fertility issues but we haven't got confirmation of this. We're pretty much in a 'not trying, not preventing' situation at the moment. Would I have to actively prevent conception (i.e. use contraception) in order for the agencies to consider us?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

your situation sounds great to me (though i have no experience of this) i think your age ought not to be a barrier but as asset. 

i would imagine you would have to use contraception though to go through the adoption process if it is not proven that you could not conceive. if you fell pregnant during the process that might make it difficult for you to cope with settling a new child into your home, and also, it could be difficult for adoptee if a baby arrived and started getting your attention.

of course things might be different in later years once adoptee was feeling part of your family.
anyway good luck


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

goldbunny said:


> your situation sounds great to me (though i have no experience of this) i think your age ought not to be a barrier but as asset.
> 
> i would imagine you would have to use contraception though to go through the adoption process if it is not proven that you could not conceive. if you fell pregnant during the process that might make it difficult for you to cope with settling a new child into your home, and also, it could be difficult for adoptee if a baby arrived and started getting your attention.
> 
> ...


Hi goldbunny,

Thank you so much for your reply 

I suppose it could be seen as an asset. One of the reasons that I like the idea of being a young(ish) Mum is that I will have the energy to keep up with the little monsters! 

However, I do wonder if the agencies will see it that way. Like others have said, I suppose I should probably just ask them. I only hope that posing the question doesn't put doubts in their minds.

Tricky business this!


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

It might be worth having some basic fertility tests done to keep your options open and to at least know the position. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and then chose to adopt rather than to try ivf. It would probably help with the adoption agencies though of course it is your decision. If I was an adoption agency I would be thinking 13 months isn't that long. Do I want to risk paying to assess them only for them to fall pregnant. We did however have a young couple, early twenties on our training course.


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## bambos (Dec 17, 2012)

Hi Louise,

I'm 27, my dh & I started the process 1 yr ago & our little ones joined us three months ago today. Our dd is 6 in feb, ds has just turned 2. Dh is 40. Our sw didn't think it was an issue & panel made a joke about me keeping him young   I think that if;as you stated previously, you are 'older than your years' then you're level of maturity will come through & panel will see this. Don't let age hold you back you have all the other qualities they are looking for. Feel free to pm me if you wish.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

The only real way you will find out for sure is by making contact with the agencies in your area.  I wouldn't ask them outright if your age is a problem, just see what their response is when they ask your ages (don't make it an issue for them).  You will have to convince them you are certain adoption is right for you over trying fertility treatment but ivf etc isn't for everyone for many reasons, financial, religious etc etc, it is pretty intrusive on a woman's body and some people just wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Though you have been together a while they may want you to have been married for a bit longer as well so don't be surprised if they say 'phone us in 12 months' or something similar.  However, there are many agencies out there, you can apply to any within a 50 mile radius really, so phone round and get a feeling for what they are looking for and go to information evenings and find an agency you feel good about.

Good luck
OT x


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

snapdragon said:


> It might be worth having some basic fertility tests done to keep your options open and to at least know the position. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and then chose to adopt rather than to try ivf. It would probably help with the adoption agencies though of course it is your decision. If I was an adoption agency I would be thinking 13 months isn't that long. Do I want to risk paying to assess them only for them to fall pregnant. We did however have a young couple, early twenties on our training course.


Hi snapdragon,

I think you make a good point about getting a diagnoses on fertility before continuing. It would would probably save a lot of additional questioning from the agencies if we had an answer for that.

Thank you for your input


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

bambos said:


> Hi Louise,
> 
> I'm 27, my dh & I started the process 1 yr ago & our little ones joined us three months ago today. Our dd is 6 in feb, ds has just turned 2. Dh is 40. Our sw didn't think it was an issue & panel made a joke about me keeping him young  I think that if;as you stated previously, you are 'older than your years' then you're level of maturity will come through & panel will see this. Don't let age hold you back you have all the other qualities they are looking for. Feel free to pm me if you wish.


Hi bambos,

It's nice to hear from someone in the same sort of age bracket. Thank you for replying. I do hope that the panel will be able to judge me on my character and not on my age. People are often very surprised when I tell them my age (I'd rather I didn't look older than my years as well but hey-ho ).

I may well take you up on your offer of a PM. Thank you so much


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## louise-maria (Dec 18, 2012)

Old Timer said:


> Hi
> 
> The only real way you will find out for sure is by making contact with the agencies in your area. I wouldn't ask them outright if your age is a problem, just see what their response is when they ask your ages (don't make it an issue for them). You will have to convince them you are certain adoption is right for you over trying fertility treatment but ivf etc isn't for everyone for many reasons, financial, religious etc etc, it is pretty intrusive on a woman's body and some people just wouldn't be comfortable with that.
> 
> ...


Hi Old Timer,

That is really great advice thank you. I agree with your point that we should get our reasons, for not choosing fertility treatment, organised in our heads before picking up the phone.

I agree that 1 year of marriage isn't very long but we have owned a property together for 4 years. Perhaps that will help to convince them that we are a long term and committed couple.

I'm going to start researching agencies within the radius that you suggested. Thank you


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## Little Miss Giggles (Apr 1, 2009)

I'd definately agree with people who have said have some basic fertility test. Like you we decided on adoption rather than fertility treatment however our situation means we cannot concieve without treatment which was something our LA wanted to be clear about. They don't want to spend resources getting you approved only for you to fall pregnant, can't blame them really.

Good Luck on your journey


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm 32 and my wife is 29 we have been on the fertility trail for almost 5 years and only now are we looking at adoption.

To be honest I was looking at adoption from the moment we found out one of us had fertility issues, and as soon as I found out it was me then I thought adoption was the only way to go. But that was 2 years ago, and since then we have tried donor insemination and I think my wife would always have had second thoughts of 'what if?' if we hadn't at least tried it.

This will be what  social workers first ask, and they have done to us. They have asked why we haven't tried more fertility treatment - and you have to be honest with them, for us it's because we can't afford any extra outlay, I'd rather that money be spent on caring for a child than producing one.

We are also reasonably well off, we earn over £50k combined, have a 3 bedroom semi in a lovely neighbourhood with good schools around us. And yet we were still told by the social workers that we are very young to be looking at adoption. Apparently the average age around here is 38.

If you know adoption is right for you, then all I can suggest is to get the fertility tests out of the way and take some time out to grieve that loss.

Hope it goes well for you, and keep in touch.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Different agencies have a different attitude. I think being young is a great thing. Also don't do something you don't want to. I was 24 when we started trying and I am now 28 we are hoping to start with adoption in the middle of next year ( you have to wait at least 6 months after treatment before they will consider you.)

Like you I didn't want to go down the IVF route. It wasn't for me and deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't work and would just cause me pain and delay me becoming a Mummy. However my husband wanted to do IVF and was convinced it would work. On paper we have everything on our side I am / was young in IVF terms. Our issue was male infertility which tends to be easier to treat. We were considered ideal candidates for IVF success. A lot of heart brake later and we are now moving onto adoption. My husband is glad we did IVF and says he would advise others in our situation to try it because you then know if it would work or not and you can close that chapter. However I am not it has put me emotionally and physically through torture beyond anything I ever believed possible. During this time I have watched everyone round me start to have families mainly out of fear that they will catch our infertility.  Ultimately I have lived miserable for a number of years to give my husband piece of mind. It is a hard thing to do either way and I just want to say do what is right for you no-one else x x x


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