# How do we start to get our lives back!!!!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
Its something i have thought about....
How do we start to get our lives back??
Years and years of trying to have a baby and for some of us, this is still the case...
How do we switch off from being in that mind set? to then dapting to a child free status?
Do we learn to take each day as it comes This is the approach that i started to take, as i couldn't face thinking about next year and the year after. This just caused added pressure, because i couldn't bear the thought of never living a life without children? A life in the future just myself and my hubby??
Is it about being real to ourselves to make further decisions..
Booking day trips away to start filling those gaps in our lives...
Going on holiday? Walking a mountain., doing somrthing for charity to reach a new milestone in our lives.. 
Nurturing those motherly instincts in other directions...Although our lives have changed dramtically, taking a good look at ourselves and looking at what we have gained from this...that sounds odd, but deep pain can bring out another diminsion of our personalities. One that offers deep empathy and having feelings for other peoples pain...
How do we start to find the OLD YOU, when you used to laugh and be carefreeEnjoy the simple things in life with our partners and to beable to talk about other subjects other than babies...
There are lots of things and i think now i can sit with friends and laugh, without the subject of IF on the tip of my tongue....
Have you got any suggestions, so that we can fill in our lives to enable us to enjoy each day as it comes...until we can make any decisions...
What do you think??
love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Astrid,

Yes, a fab topic (as usual) and this is one question that I'm sure everyone here will have asked themselves 1000 times over.

As you know for me, a big turning point has been reading books, but I wont bang on any more about that because i'm sure you're all sick of me going on about how wonderful a certain book is!!

For 8 years I worried about it just being me and Stu.  Then I worried about one of us dying and the other one being left alone ........ I worried about everything!!

So to answer your question on how to find the OLD YOU, well, I had a realisation after reading one of these books.  That realisation was that, before we thought about children, life was fun!  Christmases didn't feel "empty" - we USED to look forward to them.  I even remember thinking "I don't want children".

I suddenly realised (perhaps), that through trying so damn hard to have a child, I became SO obsessed with "having a child", when, perhaps, the issue of obsessiion was more about "beating my body and not giving in to it's failures".  Do you know what I mean?  I think what I'm trying to say here is that I became so blinkered, frightened, obsessed that in the end, it became more about not letting my IF control me, I WOULD BEAT THIS, rather than about the need for a child?  That may sound strange .......

I am now at the point where (yes, although we are now on our FINAL, FINAL, FINAL, attempt through E.D.) I am slowly feeling ready to say "that's it.  I want my life back." And never ever ever did I think I would get to this point without being absolutely terrified out my wits and ending up in a psychiatric ward.

I would like my story to give hope to all those out there, who, unfortunately, treatment doesn't work out for.  I was terrified.  Don't get me wrong, the yearning can come back to bite me now and again, but at long, long, last, I feel I can now look forward to the future instead of worrying about it every day, and dreading it.

I wish this on everyone on this thread.  It's the b*oody least we deserve after all!!!

Love and hugs to all
Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

This may sound corny, but I have never ever gotten the 'old' me back. Too many losses, too much time spent sat in various waiting rooms seeking answers/having tests, too many drs and MIL's and anyone else who Thought They Knew Best regarding my becoming preggers and their opinions, and too much time spent trying to be as healthy as possible, not drinking alcohol or caffeine, getting into good shape, watching what I ate, taking vitamins etc blah blah blah - I feel as if I lost something of my carefree self back there that I will never regain again, but that is ok because I like who I am now, I have made peace with myself if that makes sense.

Nowadays I try and make the most of my life and live it for me, because I can't turn the clock back and undo the things I have had to go through, I cannot change who or what I am, and I like to think in a corny kind of way that going through all this cr*p has shaped me into a better person, the person who I am today. I am more calmer, considerate and understanding, yet I am not afraid to speak out to anyone whom I think is being a nincompoop and I don't suffer fools gladly any more! I also like to educate people about IF and ectopic pregnancy (heaven help the people who say to me 'pregancy never killed', or who think IVF is a breeze - ha)!

Sometimes I plan for the future, and sometimes I live day to day - at the moment its mainly day to day because of my hopperations! Life is too short to be sad, and I think all of us who have been through IF, babyloss etc have had more than enough sad! Bring on the   days says me! And believe me when I say to those of you who are struggling at the moment, that life can be good and is enjoyable, despite all the heartache you may be going through.

About being left alone in later life... I read somewhere that childfree oldies actually live more fulfilled lives, because we tend to have more developed social circles amongst our 'peers' if you like   So its not all doom and gloom out there, besides which I have a plan for when I am elderly, because I am growing to grow old disgracefully! Heres to pink rinses, farting loudly in public and my false teeth shooting out and hitting someone in the chops when I sneeze! 

On a more serious note, I know many oldies who have kids and grandchildren who rarely bother with them, so it just goes to show that because you have a family it doesn't mean they are going to give you their time when you are elderly. My inspirations are DH's elderly uncle and aunt whose 2 grown up kids live thousands of miles away, they will never have grandkids and they have proved to me that life can be good at that age despite everything they are going through at the moment health wise. We have had many a long discussion about this topic with them.

So, if I were to give anyone advice I would say:
As hard as it may seem sometimes our own lives are a gift even though we may never have had our dreams of a family turn into a reality. We can still give so much to others through the experiences we have had, we can still use our nurturing aspects we all have in so many different ways.

Its ok to have days when we can smile and laugh, equally its ok to have days when we just want to curl up in a corner with a nice big mug of hot chocolate and hide away from the world.

Never say never; its ok to decide you may want to try more treatment options or to look at alternative ways to become a parent. As long as you are happy about what you want, then there is no wrong decision to make! We all have the right to change our minds, nothing need ever be a permanent state of thinking!

Don't waste your precious energy on those around you who have never really understood what it has been like for you going through tx or being where you are at now, living child free. They will never get it, as simple as, no matter how much you bang your head against a brick wall trying to tell them!

There is so much more to being a woman than just someone who is able to have kids! We are vibrant wonderful beings capable of so much regardless of our individual circumstances!


Thank you so much for this interesting thread Astrid!

Love, 
Emcee x


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## catweazle (Apr 12, 2006)

Emcee
Just wanted to say your words are lovely and really struck a chord with me 
Dh and I are going through the process of giving up treatment and moving on
I am starting to feel at peace with our decision and although I could never have put it into words , what you said is how I feel 
Thank you very much  
Sam x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thank you Sam, that was very kind of you, you have made me blush!  
I want to wish both you and your DH the very best for the future, whatever it may hold for you.

Be gentle with yourselves.
Love & a very tight squeezy hug  
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Wow Gill and Emcee
Such powerful posts!!! I couldn't agree more with Catweastle. What you have put into words is so heartfelt and encouraging...thankyou!!!!..
Its so enriching to have such input from you and everyone on this thread.. The experience and depth of pain is expressed so clearly and i think the honesty factor is so important. We do not often want to hear it, but it can be also very helpful. There are so many positive things that come out of IF and Emcee you are so right...About the old you isn't there anymore, but hey like you i quite like the new me now...Thanks for making this point brought to the forefront...
The most important thing for me was Laughter....i have always enjoyed laughing and i have got that back...Everything else i can work on....
Feeling miserable, i accept that as one of those things...feeling p**sed of, is part of my life at times.. I have accepted that i am allowed to feel like this...I have surrounded myself around people who understand i am going to have these days....and for once i do not have to APOLOGISE!!!! Halleluya...(how do you spell that)!!
Thanks girls...
love astridxxx


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## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Hi Ladies

I have just read through this wonderful thread and am so pleased to read such honesty.  Yes there is life without children and it is a life that we can all lead and hopefully a happy one.

I was talking to my sister in law the other day and reminded her that she was thinking of moving abroad to live.  She astounded me when she said that the plans had changed because their children had now grown up and they would never hear from them if they were out of the county and her and her husband would be bored  being just the two of them.  I was amazed and it got me to realise that those of us without children actually talk to our partners, we like each others company, we enjoy each other and our relationships are not cemented with children.  We are actually together because we have a deep love and respect for one another and thats all we have = each other.  Maybe I am not putting this down properly and I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Love to you all = Kate xx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

I hope as the years go by I too will become as strong and positive as some of you guys about all this  , as for now only four months into this unwanted place things for me a are just on a day to day basis. 

For me I view my involuntary childlessness is a bereavement, and therefore it comes with a degree of life never being able to be the same again. However over time it will through the way life naturally evolves and moves us forward, reach a place of bearable balance. By viewing my current situation as a bereavement it has allowed me to not make any pressures on myself at even trying to fully get my life back, as I have to admit that for me personally I don't think I will can ever return to the place I was prior to tx because so much of that joy in my life back then was fuelled around the expectation of Dh and I bringing a child into this world.  

I think what can make all this extra hard is that for 10 years everything in my life including my career choices, when we choose to get married, our house choice etc had all been so influenced by DH and I getting ready for our child, and it was that driving force icing on the cake dream that gave life that extra exciting spark in everything I did before tx started and before it was robbed away. I know the pain will lessen as time goes on and just like with any bereavement there will be days or events that catch me out and upset me, and other times when I am simply joyful for just having my health, loving Dh and all the other blessings in my life  . 

I have found it helpful to say to friends and family that this situ is a bereavement for me, because that seems to really help them have more of an awareness of the depths of pain it can cause me. I am also aware though that when people have experienced loss their friends can, in their quest to so desperately fix the pain say things that actually end up causing offence or further upset and that has certainly been a feature for me since dealing with childlessness. Only last week I met with an old work colleague who only the week before had I updated on my tx being all over for good - and she ended up rabbiting on about how 15 people from my old work place had managed to get preg since I'd left and going into great detail about each one!!!! I was so gobsmaked and upset at the time, but on later reflection I realised it was most probably just her not understanding that I can't physically ever get preg and she was just trying to give me stories of hope it can happen. It might also have been that annoying thing whereby because people know you've had tx and wanted children they assume you'll love to hear about other people getting preg or stories about their children which at times I know for me that is so often the last thing I desire to hear about.

In an effort to try to get back to the old me, Dh and me have forced ourselves to book lots of adventures and social activities - off for a canoing lesson tomorrow (!!), however despite them all being enjoyable I just don't have that same spark in me I had pre tx. I scares me a little that I don't feel the same person I was. This whole tx episode feels like I was sucked into some dark dream like tunnel spinning round and round for three years and have now been spat out and left with a bit of memory loss as to who I was before. Again this can fit with normal patterns of bereavement where a part of you has been taken away and therefore you almost need to focus on building a new life, rather than perhaps aiming to try to get back to where you were before - as for me my traumatic tx journey is are now part of my life history and that in itself precludes me from ever fully returning to the place I was in before. That doesn't have to be a negative though and I find it really helps me as it validates the pain I feel and gives me the self approval to not set myself high expectations and to just let life map itself out gently doing a day at a time.  


I just wanted to share my experience as I am certain there are many stages to go through on this particular journey and right now being so new to this I am unable to think about getting my life back and for now am focusing on allowing myself that time to mourn what nature won't allow me and let time be the one to carry me forward to more balanced and less painful places. Sorry that is all a bit bleak and depressing - I just wanted to present what it is like at this early stage of childlessness for any others who a very new to this and might be able to relate.

Huge hugs
Hippy
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hippy, I am truly sorry if my post came across as blase or unfeeling.

I understand where you are at now, although I appreciate my own circumstances differ slightly from yours.

I stayed in a job I detested for years and years, forgoing better prospects and promotions because I was always thinking of the time off for treatment, maternity leave and gearing everything around to when we would have our own little family. We even bought our house and chose the area carefully because of schools in the vicinity etc.

I too seen my failed tx as a bereavement, I still do, it was only 12 months ago that our dreams were shattered for good. There are so many different things to come to terms with - the loss of your future as you perceived it, and the loss of your hopes and dreams - it is so much to come to terms with, to be honest with you I have never come to terms with any of my losses be it through tx or otherwise, I have just got to the stage where I have learned to live with these things in my own way. And because of all this sadness in my heart, it has shaped me into who I am now.

Keep talking to us hippy, because I found that this is what helped me the most - I don't know where I would have been without being able to express my feelings to others who understand. I know times are hard for you at the moment, and believe me I empathise with what you are going through - you never will get your old self back. I am thinking of you whilst you go through this, I know I found it such a lonely place to be, and I often felt quite isolated from other people who simply had no comprehension of how it is for ladies like us - hence my remark about banging my head against a brick wall with certain people!

Sending you much love
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Hippy
I agree so much with what Emcee has written. I can fully understand where you are at, at this present moment!!!
Your post was such a great support to everyone and especially for those who are in the early stages of facing a different future. Thankyou for being brave enough to put those words down, i apprieciate it isn't a easy thing to do...
Both you and Emcee have both stated that you have lost the old you and i never thought of it like that. Thanks for pointing this out, as i think you are right you cannot go back, but only forward. However, i think you may find that there will be little things along the way that will make you smile and think hey i like the new me. Also you may find that there are elements of the old you as well...What I mean by that is, you could be sitting in company and laugh and feel free just for a few minutes. It will then dawn on you that was the old you and its coming back and you are not prepared to lose it..!!...
I remember the first few months and i thought that it was happening to someone else. I have probably mentioned it before, it was if i was looking at the mirror of someone elses life..
I felt alone and i felt that i was not part of anything and this left me feeling completely isolated. I even felt sad and angry, atleast when we were TTC,  i was a part of something. Does that sound strange I felt that lose also... Atleast i could say that i was trying and that i was going for treatment and there seemed a sense of purpose...
As soon as we mentioned to the family it was over....well literally its over..Its never spoken about and i still feel like MRS INVISABLE...
The thing that really has taken me aback, is that all of a sudden i am not Motherly or have any maternal instincts. Thats because i have choosen to give up tx. No! you ignorant people its because i cannot face anymore pain and it still flipping hurts. MY feelings for a child will never go away, it will always be there...WHY don't you just get it!!!The Childfree status was chosen for me and not the other way around. We just choose to take ourselves out of a situation, that was causing us great upset...
The only thing that i have felt over the last few months, is knowing i am not so alone...and there are lots of us out there with this hanging over their heads...
If i am truthful, i don't wake up each morning and go to bed with thinking of babies anymore and thats a relief in itself...but i still hurt and as Emcee said you just learn to live with it...
I saw a counsellor who helped me though as you say the Bereavement process and thank goodness...again that can be quite challenging, because there isn't anything there to say that i have lost..But if you have great friends and people on here that you can interact with, who understand then there is support out there...
I think Hippy we all work through it differently and it does get a little easier, if we can embrace the different stages of the bereavement process and deal with it. There has to be a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, don't you think?? can life be that cruel?...
A good marker is, looking at yourself a year ago and to try and identify have you come alittle forward..
I think your post was so honest and heartfelt, that in itself is a real start because you were able to write those words down. Painful i know...
Thankyou...
love astridxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Emcee & Astrid -    & thank you for your lovely words and inspiration x
Hippy

Ps - I did go for counselling a short while ago a go, but unfortunately it turned out to be a most unpleasant experience   that I would never want to repeat, as I left each session angry and offended .  . . not because of the sharing of my situ, but as a result of the very frequent insensitive  & naive remarks made by the counsellor about childlessness. To her defence infertility was not her proclaimed specialist field and I know in her heart she was nothing but well meaning, but boy did she put both feet in it on multiple occasions with some terrible trite cliches that you lot would be aghast if I told you what they were, coupled with her un professional habit of not being able to stop herself from imparting advice of which I found deeply unhelpful. Having done a counselling qualification myself in the past,this may have made it worse as I was more aware of what should have taken place and my training in counselling was that the giving of advice is not a part of it, the humanistic counselling I trained in was all about listening, empathy and reflection to enable the client to hear their own thoughts and hence gently find their own resolutions. I opened my heart and most deepest pains about my situ to this counsellor and I think perhaps it was just too much for her as at one point she burst into tears on me after reading a poem I'd written about my childlessness, and she was the one asking me to pass HER the tissues!!! It did have to laugh about that, that I was the one passing the counsellor the tissues   !! I know I could seek a different counsellor as there are some fab ones out there (especially in the infertility field),  but for now it has totally put me off ever entrusting those deepest feelings ever again to any other health professional, hence I am so grateful to you wonderful ladies on here who have given my that chance to still be able to share in a safe non judging environment and knowing you all soooo understand xxx THANK YOU


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hey Hippy
I cannot beleive that you were handing over the tissues to a counsellor...what is that all about
It sounds as if you could have counselled her instead of you?
Although as you say the counsellor you saw had little dealings with infertility....i still think that an empathetic approach is enough, because lets face it, its all about loss...However, i did see a counsellor who specialises in infertility and she was very good.
The best thing that ever materialised for me was going on this infertility workshop back in November of last year..what Meredith managed to do in those couple of weekends, saved me years of heartache...
Thinking of you Hippy... .
love astridxx


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