# Considering adoption...



## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Dear everyone....
After having always discussed the idea of adoption, regardless of whether we were fertile ourselves or not, we have now discovered that due to MF our chances of having our own child are slim without tx (ICSI).
We are now trying to decide whether or not we want to go ahead with tx or just give a baby out there the love we are so desperate to give, and the family that baby would love to have. 
Is there anybody who could give me advice if they have thoughts on this? Am willing to listen to everybody's opinions and try and learn as much as possible about the subject. We are still going to accept a referral to a fertility clinic from our GP so we can ask all our questions to help us in making the decision. 
Also, if anybody could give me pointers to places where we can learn about the adoption process I would be very grateful.
Thanks for listening
Lou xx


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Hi Lou and welcome

I dont have as much experience as some of the other girls on here as am new to the adoption side of things.

We started ttc 4 years ago and after a year found out about DH's lack of sperm so we had been going down the donor route.  After 2 years of various attempts nothing has happened - i have PCO and dont ovulate - we have decided to go down the adoption route, just had our first interview and are on our prep course at the end of this month.

Initially i contacted my local social services department last year for a chat and they sent me an info pack, we then called them again in August, were invited to an info meeting with lots of other couples, watched a video etc.  5 weeks later invited for interview.  

I cant tell you whether to go straight for adoption or try treatment first but if you dont try you may always wonder what if.  I know a great weight has been taken off my shoulders and we are telling friends etc know and our news has been met with great excitement from our family and friends.

Only you know whats right for you and i know we had to try before we went down this route.  Funnily enough when we realised we had to use donor sperm DH was very against adoption but over time he has mellowed and we now know its the right thing for us.

Wishing you lots of luck in whatever decision you make. xx


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## PoPs. (Mar 16, 2005)

Dear Lou,

I myself and my hubby are starting out on the long road of treatment, though this is not what I want to tell you........

My very best friend of 30 and her partner of 32, have just adopted there son Jack.

They have been ttc for 9yrs....well as soon as they had married, but nothing. After several tests it was decided that IVF would be their only way forward......3 IVF attempts later and they were still childless.  

So two years ago they enrolled and started on their journey of adopting..............

This weekend they met Jack for the first time, a 1yr old beautifull boy..........they were all destined to be together! They are sooooooo happy, you should see their faces! Jack has taken to them as though he has been with them from day one!!

So my advised to you would be yes......if you think you would be able to offer a home to a child who just wants to be loved........then he was born from your heart and out of the love you wanted to give him xxx

Good Luck xxxxx

Love PoPs xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

Pops

What a lovely story, thank you

Love Lou xxxx


P.S Lou hope you are able to reach a decision that you are happy with soon


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Pops - sent you IM but thank you again so much for your lovely message, touched my heart. 

Ok, so to update...
Have been on the government website for adoption, have oredered a booklet all about adoption and the application process and have now been in touch with our LA regarding application.
Just spoke to LA this morning... (Bristol City Council).
At the moment they are taking on no new applicants for prospective parents who are looking to adopt young white babies, as they have many people waiting and not enough children in need. (which is a good thing im guessing)They will review this situation in Jan, but do not expect it to change in the near future. 
At the moment they would only be interested in the following...
AfroCaribbean parents for a-c babies, they would like to keep them within their birth culture, which is totally understandable but it would not bother me or DH at all providing it was what was best for the child. 
Secondly, people who could take on a disabled child. Again this is not something DH and I would rule out, as long as we could learn a lot about the condition and be sure that we could give the child everything it needed.
And thirdly, people looking to adopt groups of siblings where the eldest child is over the age of 5. We both would dearly love to adopt a younger child than this but are going to look into it more.
LA is still going to send us an information pack and has asked us to get back in touch should we decide that we could offer a home to a child/children in the last two categories.

I am now wondering though if it is at all possible to to adopt from outside of our area - will other LA be able to help us? Or do you have to do it in the area you live becuase of the social workers etc needed?

If anybody knows the answer to this or has any thoughts whatsoever on anything I'm really willing to learn!

Thanks for listening everyone
   for all!

Lou xx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Lou

Firslty welcome to the site.

From my side. I have been married for 7 years and ttc for all of them stared ivf/icsi and had 6 goes, we were now 20,000 pounds poorer and still no baby. 

started adoption last year and have had our wonderful son home with us now for 5 months. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and I wish we had adopted sooner, but I can only say that now in hindsite. he was 9 months old when he came home.

You can go to any LA you want, usually with in a 50 mile radius so call them all, they will all have different timescales etc.

Good luck.

Mandyxx a very happy mummy.


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Lou

Welcome

You can apply to any local authority within a 50 mile radius. All authority's differ in their approach. We were advised the best option to get a young child was to go for a sibling group. Our girls were 2 years and 13 months when they moved in with us (exactly 12 months to the day for our eldest)

I always vowed that if we couldn't have children of our own that we would go down the adoption route. Two of my former bosses were childless and very bitter about it, that became my lasting memory of a childless woman and I did not want to be like that. we decided a child would have to be both of ours (biologically) or neither of ours, so we never went the donor route which was our only option.

Here's a link from the BAAF site that helps you find an agency. http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/agencydb/index.shtml

Hope this helps

Good luck
Karen x


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Karen
Thanku for that... we feel the same about both or neither, glad to hear thats not unusual. 
Thanku for the info on the 50 mile radius too - am off to check out that sight now!
Lou xx


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

hello all.....
an update......!

ty karen for the advice... have now spoken to pretty much every LA in the entire country!!!!!  
No just kidding, but spoke to all the localish ones who all said the same as bristol.
However - all is not lost!!   I spoke to a lady from the catholic children's society (they are not denominational regarding religion tho - phew!) and they are a nationwide voluntary adoption agency. She spoke to me for ages and answered loads of questions and was so friendly. She said that we can register through them and go through all the normal checks etc to get a form F put together, and then we go from there. She really gave me hope and has helped us both so much, I really recommend them to anyone considering adoption.
We had a big long chat about it, and DH and i have decided we want to go for sibling groups of two, aged between 0 and 5. 
So here we go on the next step of our journey......... 
so excited even though i know its a long process, i feel like we're headed somewhere now.
Any advice always welcome!!!
Love Lou xxxxx


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

Hi 

Can I join you?

I found out today, not unexpectedly, that our final IVF cycle failed. We've finally exhausted all assisted biological avenues, as we've been ttc for 7years now. We are 'unexplained', and have been talking since starting IUI in 2001 about adoption if this didn't work out for us.

In a way, it's a relief to know we can step off that rollercoaster and try a new one! We will never have any regrets, and my DH has been so supportive, so much so I couldn't have imagined how supportive he was capable of being!   

I understand our LA has the same problem about white babies, but all LAs seem to want to relocate children within a small radius. We are apparently slightly more likely to get a baby up North, but at the moment I don't know how to go about this. We are unlikely to select siblings because we're unexplained and it might just happen naturally. We only have enough room for 2, and wouldn't want to move house, having spent so much time, blood, sweat and toil getting it to what will become a lovely family home. PACT keep trying to talk to us about disabled children, which would not be right in our situation. I'm pleased to hear about the Catholic Society. I understand there's one in Wantage which we will be contacting shortly. Once I've got back to work and have enough money we will go through a private agency like PACT to get our approval ASAP. If there's nothing in this country, we will try abroad, and a friend of a friend brought back a newborn from USA where the mother chooses the adoptive parents, and they were there at the birth.

Having not seen my Australian nephew and neices (DH side) for years, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to bond with all of them, even at 6, 8 and 10. So that gives me hope that we can bond with our 'chosen' child at almost any age (though the younger the better) and still feel like a family.

I don't know much else about adoption, and am hoping that you guys can help keep me on the straight and narrow, and let me know what is expected of us as prospective adoptive parents, if you're able to talk about it. I'm not saying it very well, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Sorry, I've waffled! 

Thanks for 'listening'. I'll give someone else the 'floor' now


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Hey Jess!
Lovely to hear from you - course you can join us - the more the merrier hey??!!  
I'm sorry to hear about your journey so far not having worked out, big hugs hunnie. Glad you and dh are so much behind each other with things though, that makes a massive difference and would do in the adoption process too im sure. 
You're right about LA's wanting to place children in a small radius, but as I understand it government guidlines do state that they need to at least look to a 50 mile radius, however this is provided they have social workers who live close enough to you to be able to supply the support and guidance needed to you, both during and after the process, so they do tend to look locally first. 
Obviously you have seen my post regarding the Catholic Children's society, they are national and basically they work by registering you through the normal process (which they confirmed will take 8-10 months), and then you go onto the national adoption register where all children, including those in the care of your LA's are available for you to apply for. Even if you decided not to use their agency in particular, I would recommed them as a good place to telephone, they were extremely useful as somewhere to start. 
I would also recommend going to www.csci.org.uk which provides a search engine to locate all adoption agencies in your area, including those run by both LAs and voluntary organisations. It provides their address and telephone details. 
Another REALLY useful thing is to visit the BAAF website www.baaf.org.uk and we bought a book from them priced 7 pounds 50 (sorry can't find a pund sign on my pooter!!  ) which comes to ten pounds including postage, but it has been extremely useful and has good detail about intercountry adoption too if that's where you would like to go. Title: 'Adopting a Child, A guide for people interested in adoption' , ISBN 1-903699-06-1. Really is well worth a read.
We considered intercountry adoption ourselves, and I must say I really like the thought of the birth mother getting to choose and especially being present at the birth as happens in the USA - please could you give me more information about this if you have any?? I must admit though we were initially put off by the costs of intercountry adoption, a few SW have said they would expect it to cost between 10k and 20k, money we haven't got. 
Don't allow yourselves to be pushed towards adopting disabled children if that is not what you want hunnie, we feel the same if I' honest, and it would be wrong for both you and the child if you felt pushed into it. Again The Catholic Children's society were wonderful when I discussed these areas with them, they said they were not there to judge and would always prefer total honesty. Besides that any SW worth their salt would know if you weren't comfortable with something anyway, and honesty I believe will be the key to the whole process of becoming approved.  
The book I mentioned above will answer your final point about what would be expected of you as prospective parents, rather than me writing it on here, taking into account the warning message from our board moderator on here - i think she is right to warn us to be careful. But you could always PM me if you had a specific question before you get the book hun.
Another great website I nearly forgot to mention is www.adoptionuk.org.uk, this I was told by nearly all agencies that I spoke to is an excellent place for advice and guidance. 
Also, re what you said about becoming registered as quickly as possible, just be careful babe as most agencies have a length of time they would like you to wait after having had fertility tx. This varies from a couple of months to a year, and obviously you just need to check the agencies individual policy. 
Ok so I think that's all I know so far! I know it's not much but I do hope some of it will be of use, and I hope we can keep in touch as we all go through this new experience!   !!
Best of luck to you hun, look forward to hearing from you soon!


Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

Thanks Lou! Will bear all of this in mind. We are planning on being totally honest, and although we're probably not fully ready yet, it doesn't hurt to do the homework at this time of year, if you get me.
Jess xx


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## Willowwisp (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi Everyone

Hope you don't mind me butting in on this post?  

As you all know it was adoption week last week and I watched alot of it on TV, it really tore at my heart strings and although we have only had one failed cycle I feel drawn towards adoption. There are so many children out there that need loving parents and loving homes, I've now sent off for an adoption pack to have read through to see what the process involves?

Just one question though, can you specify ages of the children you would consider? I'm aware that alot of people would like to adopt babies but if you ask for a baby do they frown upon it? 

 to everyone persuing adoption!

Willow
xx


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Willow

i dont think they frown upon it but you have to understand that there are very few babies up for adoption however my friend adopting a 9 month old at the age of 43 and her sister at 6 months 3 years later so it can happen.  I think you just have to be honest about what you want as im sure there are pros and cons to having a baby!!


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Willow,

As Alex says there are not many babies up for adoption.  However, you are able to specify the age range of the child/children you are looking to adopt.

Laine


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Willow

When we were first approved to be adoptive parents we were told that there are few babies available for adoption and the lists to adopt a baby were very long.

We thought long and hard about what our next step would be and we decided on a child under the age of 5 would be ideal for us.  We were matched with our DS very soon after being approved, it was a matter of weeks, it was a very quick match, Our DS was 3 1/2 when we found out about him but nearly 4 when he eventually moved in with us.

When we applied to adopt again, we told our SW right from the start that we wanted to adopt a baby & we wanted a girl!  Our SW was brilliant and did not frown at us but greeted us with a big smile & said she thought we would be excellent parents to any baby girl.

I did ask her how long their list of approved adopters was for babies and was shocked when she said that we would be couple number 6!, I thought she was going to say couple number 106!

I asked her why was that, had they placed a lot of babies or had people dropped out of waiting for a baby and decided on an older child & she told me straight, now I have to point out this was 6 years ago & every SS differ.  People come forward to adopt & have heard that the list for babies is long & closed at this moment in time, which 9 times out of ten is true but in our case they were open.  Our SW told us that they come along & have made their minds up that they would like to adopt a child of 2 - 4 years of age or older & like she said they are not going to turn around to these people & say well have you thought about a baby as they need approved parents for all age groups.

We were very very lucky & got a baby girl of 9 months of age, other people have since adopted babies or very young children.

If you want to adopt a certain age range then say so, don't be afraid, I've learnt to ask questions & some timesyou are shocked by the answers, I know I was about the waiting list & just because we were couple number 6 waiting to adopt a baby, it didn't meant that we were not put forward for any baby girls that were waiting to be placed in fact we were being considered along with 2 other couples at the time & we were the lucky ones chosen for our lovely DD.

We didn't know we were being considered for a baby girl until it was all over & done with our SW didn't want to disappoint us, as soon as she knew we were the ones we found out.

Hope I've helped!


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## Willowwisp (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi

Thanks for your replies, they were very helpful.  

Willow
xx


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

We have been suggested we go for 0-2 as we are youngish, is that the norm usually? Gawd imagine getting a 9 month old baby girl like you Superal!! PINK, PINK, PINK!!!!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Lou

Yes it was PINK PINK PINK all the way, it was so nice after having BLUE BLUE BLUE for a few years. 

You'll love being a Mum you all will & will happen for you all sooner rather than later, just think by this time next year you could have new members to your family! 

Love Andrea


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## Mummytoone (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Andrea

theres a thought!

I get the impression it is going to be much longer than that although is this was they always tell you on the initial visit. We have been told we are on a waiting list now for the prep course. 

Scarey stuff!!!!

Love lou xxx


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## Donna Taylor (Dec 23, 2004)

Hello can I join you?

DH and I have been ttc for 2years and are thinking about adoption.

We have recieved an info pack form our LA and are attending an infomation meeting on teh 7th December. Scary!

From reading your posts I think I will look into other agencies and LA too. we are hoping for a baby but I think we would consider a child up to age 2 or maybe 3

Donna xx


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## Mum to a gorgeous cherub (Jan 3, 2004)

Hi Donna

Welcome to the adoption thread..............

You would definately  be in the age range acceptable for a baby (although there arn't many around). Our LA considers a baby to be 0-2. It is worth checking out all LA's in your area. 

Good luck  

Lol
H x


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

It never rains....

(I am used to being able to pour out on the other thread, so excuse if it's a bit forward)

I'm having a pretty bad day.

Not only does the car (we've already taken one off the road due to finances) need a new exhaust when we can least afford it, but the horn is not working (don't tell anyone!), and today on his way home from work, DH had a blow-out. Whilst rooting around for the spare, found it to be flat. Once home, we finally find out that M-I-L has a tumour (need more tests on Monday), and she was due to fly out to see her only other son and his 3 kiddies (who were over last year for a whistlestop tour) at the end of this month! Any more that that we don't know, but at least my mum's turned the corner on her side-effects from her treatable cancer, though we've still got tests, waiting, operation, waiting, more tests, more waiting, more radio/chemo and then the final verdict.

I guess this might impact our adoption process as they probably won't deem us fit enough to go forward (certainly at the point of 'linking' with a child) whilst either preparing to or actually grieving, as it will be too disruptive for a child. We just can't win!


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Donna,

Welcome to the adoption board!

Please come and join us on the Looking to Start thread where you will get tons of support and advice.

Link follows:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,39879.0.html

Laine


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Jess
Big hugs hunnie am so sorry to hear about all your news. 
thinking of you  
Lou xxx


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## Just Jess (Sep 23, 2004)

MIL has been given approx 18 months. That means that if we get approval for the adoption process, she will be about ready to pop her cloggs, then we have my FIL to deal with, who will fall apart when she's gone, never mind in the meantime. She has to look after him as it is, and he lives for her, so we can only imagine... BIL is on his way over with the family to spend Xmas here. DH and BIL have agreed a truce, but where does that leave me? If I'm not allowed to build a relationship with the children only to drop it again because of the way they treated me last time, then how am I supposed to behave towards them whilst we're in the same house?

Not only that but I will have to cope with their happy family over here knowing that all of this is going to seriously scupper our chances of having a child placed with us. Would you place a child with a family who's about to lose one grandparent and always be concerned for the welfare and health of the other? It just seems like everything is against us all of a sudden. By the time we get over the MIL, that could add another 3-4 years onto everything. By then I'll be in my late 30s, almost 40 and all I want is a family.


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