# OH giving up drinking during IVF / ICSI



## LillyR (Dec 17, 2010)

Hello, 

Sorry to start off over here with a down-post, and I'm not sure this is the right place to post. But I've just failed my 3rd tx (2 icsi, 1 fet). Am trying hard not to go into a dark spin, but I am already feeling really negative towards my DH (who has, to be fair, been amazing and supportive throughout all this). But, he didn't quit drinking - in fact I'd say that he drinks far too much (although he'd completely deny this and say that I've got a crazed view of it). And I know we now have to go back to the conversation that causes so  much tension between us. Basically, he doesn't think that quitting alcohol will affect his sperm. For every piece of evidence I show him that it has a negative effect, he'll come up with an opposing piece of evidence. And, annoyingly, over the past 6 years we have NEVER been able to get a Dr to say outright, 'Quit the booze, it'll make a difference'. They just fluff around the issue. DH also thinks that, because we've managed to create embryos through icsi, that it's not a problem anyway. What he doesn't understand is that those embyros clearly aren't a) continuing to divide b) sticking / implanting. I've read so much about the effects of alcohol but he just thinks I'm obsessed with it, and won't listen. I can't give him an ultimatum - to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned around at some point and called time on us anyway, as the last 6 years I haven't exactly been a bundle of fun. But I just wish he would understand that giving up drink for 3-6 months is not the end of the world. Why can't he do it? I feel that, with all I've put myself through, it's the smallest thing for him to do. But every time we broach the subject we end up fighting. He gets so defensive about it. 

Has anyone been in this position - is there anything I can say to make a difference? Am I being too obsessed with the alcohol thing? I don't think I've got it in me to do more than one more round of treatment, so I really want to give this one our best shot. 

Thanks xx


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi LillyR,

Firstly I am so sorry to hear of your BFN, i hope you are being kind to yourself, it's no ones fault really, just so unfair though 
I had a similar problem with my hubby. He insisted that when we had treatment in month 3, then he would only be sensible in month one, he believed it was that month that mattered most, it used to make me so angry that in month 2 and 3 he could happily drink a bottle of wine every other day and beer at the weekends,  but look at us, it certainly didn't work despite his meager attempt at trying, honestly, we go through soooo much for treatment, all the drugs, probing and investigations, the pills and the  emotions, that you'd think giving up the booze would be the least they can do for us!.  I've always wondered if my hubby really wanted a child, he is not good at expressing himself, but now that i've come to the end of the road, I'm struggling too, not to blame him for the booze and the lack of any real interest, or myself, did i lift anything too heavy? should i not have gone to the loo straight after ET? should i not have driven the 2 hours home straight after? honestly it doesn't stop , i think it's part of the grieving process to want to blame someone or something.

I'm going for counselling, in the hope of finding some kind of closure,  it just hurts so bad right now, i wish you the best of luck for your next tx (maybe you could swap his beer for non-alcoholic when he's not looking, i used to pretend i was giving my hubby caffeine coffee, cos he refused decaff, but he never knew i'd just replaced the contents of the jar, ha ha)


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi LilyR,

MrsP from the Springies here!

We did give up alcohol from the 8th Jan this year - in total - although hubby still drank some alcohol free beers (or AFBs as we call them, which still have 0.5% alcohol, which for an anal perfectionist such as myself is very important!).  Last time the fertilisation rate was 44%, this time it was 75%, so I think it made a difference from that perspective.

However, we still ended up with a BFN (as of today) which makes me think, was it worth it?  I think it was, but can I go tee-total again, probably, but DH did find it hard.  I was a bit of a wild child in my twenties and I feel it may be my bad behaviour (booze and cigs) that has left me in this predicament anyway.  

My DH was unaware of the alcohol risks, and thought he could just get away with it in the run up to transfer.  Once I explained why, he was happy to give it a go - but it sounds like you have tried this tack?

The other alternative is to use this time to take him aside and draw up a list of what you believe you can improve, but I really don't think there are any guarantees with IVF/ICSI.  Personally, I'll be trying to get my BMI down and go natural for the next 6 months, but it's early days so I might be down the clinic again in 3 months!

Really wish you luck - so sorry it didn't work out this time for either of us,

Love
MrsP
xx


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## LillyR (Dec 17, 2010)

Thank you Pinkpig for your support. I'm so sorry you're going through this too - it's the worst thing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sounds like we've got similar OHs. All the best to you in the future and I really hope you get a much deserved happy ending soon honey.    

MrsPootle! Oh no!!! I'm so so sorry. I can't believe you've had a bfn darling. Was really hoping that the Springies' good luck would continue, and especially yours, as you seem so lovely. I know there's nothing to say to make it better, but I really am thinking of you and sending buckets of  . Amazing that you and OH managed to be so good on the alcohol front - we're in a similar boat, bit too much partying in our 20s and now I'm completely sober and dull, while OH is not quite getting it yet. But I'm sure it was worth it - even if you didn't get your longed for result. At least you know you gave it your best shot and have no regrets. Your time will come, I'm praying it does. 

Sorry for a long and boring rant, but today has just been the worst day of my life, with the mother of all rows with OH which ended up in him blowing a fuse and me walking out. He said some awful things and I'm not sure I can forgive him. It's so sad, as he's been amazing for so long, all through this process. But I guess he's reached the end of his rope too and it all came out. This is what I was dreading more than anything - the tx tearing us apart. 

I really do hate this whole thing. I would give anything in the world to be a mummy, but it seems to be coming at such a high cost for us. I've never before wanted to just disappear, but I can't feel anything else at the moment. If I weren't such a 'sensible' person, I'd just get on a plane and bugger off into the sunset and not come back. 

Sorry, that hasn't made anyone feel better at all! 

Mrs Pootle, I am just so so gutted for you. Please be kind to yourself - we'll get through this. xxxxxx


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Lilly - I hope you and your man have made things up now x x


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi Lilypie,

Not sure if you will get this - but we are doing cycle #3 now, and had June 'on booze' (but couldn't really get back into it) and then July/Aug/Sept 'off booze'.
Lets see how this turns out - hope you get your BFP in the October cycle.

Lots of love
MrsP
xx


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## LillyR (Dec 17, 2010)

MrsP!!!! Lovely to hear from you! I remember you from the spring sensations. Was gutted that you'd joined me in the bfn brigade. Hope you're doing okay at the moment. AND we'll be cycle buddies again!!!!! Yayyyyyyyy. 
My dinner's just arrived so better go, will send a proper message soon. Just wanted to reply!
GOOD LUCK for this cycle. It's our turn, I can feel it!!!!!!
xxxxx
ps I've logged into the October / November cycle buddy group. Maybe see you over there?? It all sounds v positive there.


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Definitely got to be our turn - an early Xmas present would be SO nice!
Take care - I'm probably going to join a board this week (although it feels a bit late as I am due to EC this week)... argh!!
I'll take a look over there now... 
Good luck
xx


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## LillyR (Dec 17, 2010)

oh my word - EC already!! Didn't realise you were so far along the process. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
I haven't even started DRing yet, start on 12th. 
Fingers crossed for you honey. Hope it all goes well this week. 
xxxxxxxxx


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