# 41 and need advice



## Poppy2 (Sep 25, 2008)

Help - I don't know where to turn!  I am 41 and my DH is 44. He has told me on Saturday that he really doesn't want to have a child.  I have been fighting a battle with this since we have been together.  He initially said he didn't want children so I said it was something I really wanted (I was 39 at the time) and we would be better off being apart as it would break us up eventually.  He kind of came round to the idea and agreed to go along with this.  I did say to him that 'what would be would be' and that I would never ask him to go down the IVF route.  Oh how I wish I had never uttered those words!  We have been trying for 2 years and I have had 6 months of clomid, but whilst I was taking this my father was ill and sadly died of cancer.  I also lost my Mum and sister when I was in my 20's (I have no immediate family left now) and I know he understands my need to have a family.  I am now on Menopur, but we have been told by our NHS consultant that we are too old for IVF and that there is no funding for IUI.  He has suggested we go private for IUI.  Apparently there is nothing wrong with us apart from our age.  Has anyone been to the Manchester Fertility Clinic?  I have done some research in the area and the results seem to be as good as anywhere else.  I am at a loss what to do next.  I need to speak to my DH again I know, but I am just frightened he is going to say no.  He is really against private hospitals, but we don't have any choice now.  The thing is I am struggling with this too and am frustrated that it just has happened! Sorry for waffling on......


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Hi poppy 2,

First you are not too old. I am 42 just had a FET and offered IVF if does not work. Yes I go to a private hospital, but thsi is because in this country, NHS hasn't got much funding for fertility treatment and they are very tough with who can and who can not have NHS IVF . Unfortunately they put the age limit at 40 which is stupid but that is the way it is . On top of it depending which PCT you depend from , you can have 1 2 or 3 try if you are less than 40 ( or 0 if no funding left).I find it very unfair. In my country , in France, it is 3 try for every woman , and up to age 42. After you have to pay.

So anyway, you can have IVF if you want to but it will cost a bit.

As for your DH, if he has agreed to try for last 2 years, and you have had clomid, then maybe he will be happy to do the IVF route?  Both of you have tried for a long time and IVF could really make the difference. maybe tell him that. Also when you mentionned you would never have IVF, was a long time ago and you did not know as much as now. 

Also some NHS hospital also do private treatments. For example in London, the Hammersmith hospital where I had my one and only NHS try ( before 40) also did my next two private goes. Sadly I had 3 BFNs ( one biochemical pregnancy) but my reason for not inplanting is adenomyosis which you don't have ( like endo but inside the muscle of the womb whichmakes womb thicker).Not painful, but does not help implantation.

I am sure you have plenty of chance to have a successful treatment   

I wish you and your DH the best,

Future Mummy


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## Bright Eyes (Sep 28, 2007)

I agree that you are not too old but if you are going to go down the IVF route, I would not put it off too long. We delayed starting as my DH would not face up to there being a potential problem and would not go to the GP with me. We had been trying since I was 36 but only got to the GP at 39. That was after many many arguments and I still hold some resentment  that we could have started this sooner. Do you think that DH does not want kids or is he just scared and phased by the whole treatment thing?? We have had every test in the book and our infertiltiy remains " unexplained". I still face the tx alone as DH cannot cope with the whole thing.. he is embarassed, and gets so stressed out that I'm better off on my own. It's not that he does not want it, he just can't cope with it.
We have had to pay for all our TX due to age. I had been at a Cheshire NHS hospital ( but paying private) but moved in the summer to Care Manchester. ( it works out about £4500) They have been great , were not put off by my age, have had me on a new treatment plan.. and I am now on the 2ww after, what  so far, has been our best result. I have little ones on board and even had a few frozen... so there is life in the old eggs yet!

Good Luck with it all
Bright Eyes


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi Poppy2

Dont be sad-  its not the end of the line yet by a long way 

You will have to pay privately for IVF though.  I went to the NHS hospital but paid privately because of me being over 40 and there was no funding. 
It cost £2700 for 1 cycle of full IVF including all the drugs- that was at the Sheffield Hallamshire ACU.
Good luck, no one can tell you what to do- only offer advice, you need to talk to your DH, you have had some terrible loss and grief so you need to have something positive to focus on, so seeking IVF is probably the next step
I am sending positive thoughts to you 

Karen


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## Poppy2 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thanks for your support.  This website is truly amazing, wish I had found it sooner.  It is interested to hear what you say Bright Eyes about Care.  I contacted them and the woman on the phone didn't want to answer any of my questions and just kept saying 'call back tomorrow', hence me deciding to go to Manx Fert Clinic.  It is nice to know I am not the only one who's DH is not 100% behind this.  In our previous chats he said if we were 10 years younger, he probably would have wanted kids.  I think too that he finds the whole thing stressful, so I only talk about it when absolutely nec.  I went to all the appointments for my scan when I was on clomid on my own as I understood it was too much for him.  I think he would love me to turn round and say 'let's stop trying'!  I am going to talk to him again and say let's go and see the specialist and find out for sure if there is anything wrong and have one go at what they suggest!  I just heard a nice story today from the nurse, who told me a couple in same situation as us had lots of treatment including IVF and then when she had given up she found herself PG with her first child at the age of 45.  She then went on to have another....  Thanks for all your support, it really helps...


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## Bright Eyes (Sep 28, 2007)

I have found this site a god-send and made lots of new friends. I have also had to go to every appointment, consultation and follow up on my own. Even for Egg Collection , he drops me off, collects me later and then goes back to work! I have been to Egg transfers on my own. Like you, I only bring the subject up when I have to. I truley think that some men just can't deal with it. My DH has frozen sperm as he refuses to have to produce to order on the day. so it's another opt out. Men... ugh! I have come to accept that it is less stressful to " go it alone" than row about it all. Maybe you'll need to get to the route of your DH's worries, it might be that he does want a family but finds this whole process so daunting.
I hope that you fund a clinic you are happy with as it really helps. My GP had to refer me to the new clinic of my choice  (CARE) even though we were private and then it was plain sailing
I wish you all the luck in the world.... and we are all here for you
Bright Eyes


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## Poppy2 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi Bright Eyes it is nice to know that I'm not on my own.  Most of the posts I have read have v supporting DH.  I am still waiting for my consultant to send the referral letter, so I can't move forward.  I have given Monupur to take, but you would not believe the hassle I have had with arranging to have it injected (too boring to ******* on)! I am lucky my step-sister is a midwife who is going to do the injection this weekend as the district nurse just never got back to me to arrange a time over the weekend!  I sometimes feel 'is this all worth it' as it is just a battle all the way.  I think our DH are similar.  I think he is just scared and just wants to move on one way or the other.  We have both said that we wish it had just happened naturally.  When we have been referred I am going to suggest that we go through just one treatment (either IUI or IVF) and then just accept we are not meant to have kids.  48 hours later my sister in law named her little girl Beatrice (they had never discussed names as they wanted it to be a surprise).    I understand his point of view about the age etc.  I think it would be easier for him if he had holidays left to go to these appointments.  We live over an hour away from Manchester and when I spoke to MFC they said the initial tests would have to be done on a Monday or Wednesday at lunchtime.  Did you find the same thing with CARE?  I was surprised that neither clinic opens on a Saturday, being private.  I was chatting with my step-sister and her husband was 45 when he suggested to her that they have kids.  She said she didn't really want them as being a midwife she saw how hard it can be.  When her 1st child was 3 they decided to have just one more so she could have a play mate - she ended up with twins!  It is strange 3 years ago I had a dream that my sister in law gave birth to a little girl called Beatrice and that I had a baby that died!  It freaked my out at the time, but just put it down to coincidence.  I am not really a believer in physic powers (nothing like this has happened since), but you do wounder.  Anyway off for my injection.  Here I am waffling on, where I see you have really been through alot.  I am keeping everything crossed for you and would love to know how you get one.  Have a lovely day and keep smiling....


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Hi,

sorry poppy 2 and Bright eyes, that you are going through so much with your DHs. It must be hard. 

Bright Eyes,The woman is the one having to go through it all really with injections, EC, ET... so DH not wanting to provide fresh sample at EC must be very frustrating.   
Also fresh sample works better than frozen one as the thawing always is a difficult time for sperm or embies. Does he realise it? maybe you should mention it to him.  Also maybe he could benefit from seeing a counsellor ( most clinics have them).

poppy, regarding injections, if you decide to do the injecting yourself ( not as bad as it sounds , I used to be very worried with my first one) the Emla cream really helps ( over the counter in boots) . it is like a local anesthetic you put on skin about 20mns before injecting. 

You are both amazing in dealing so well with your DH problems. I wish you the very best


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## Bright Eyes (Sep 28, 2007)

Future Mummy - the sample thing nearly ended in divorce and I just can't go there! He failed on the day during our first attempt and so our cash and eggs went down the pan! He had been given the option of a freeze as a back up but ignored advice. After that it took 3 months and a dose of viagra to get him to do a sample even for freezing!! He's just got a real block on it... I wonder if his MUm told him off on childhood for pleasuring himself!! As we are doing ICSI and have had good fertilisation rates, they say that there is little difference with fresh vs frozen.  When I mentiioned counselling he hit the roof... He's not a good communicator when it comes to personnals. It's not just this. His Mum has some minor health issues but he makes it into such a crisis. I just have a more practical and " get on with it approach"  that balances us out! I do wish he were more supportive but have got used to it now.
Poppy - I agree that I'd do my own jabs.. it's a doddle when you get used to it. I used to pass out a a blood test or feel squiffy in a hosptial but I have conquered that now. I thought that Care were open on a Sat but may be for scans etc not to see the Dr. I have been on 2 Sats' for scans. We live about an hour away ( more in the heavy traffic) and I have had to go from home ( East of Chester, to Manchester and then straight down m6 to Crewe to work this last few weeks) it's been hard but worth it. We set ourselvs a cut off point too... you need to.. but let's get you on that ladder first and get DH on board.
Lots of Love
Bright Eyes


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Bright eyes, my god, it must have been so hard!  

The good thing is that your doc said the frozen sample was good quality.

Take care,

            

Future Mummy


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## Poppy2 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi Bright Eyes,  I really am astounded with everything you have been/are going through.  Men huh! what are they like.  I sat down with my DH yesterday and we had a chat.  I told him what was possibly involved with the private clinic and I said that we do need a cut off point and suggested we just have 1 go and whatever is our best chance.  Well I nearly fell of my chair when he said 'we can't make that decision yet as the consultant may recommend 2 try's'!  You know I really don't know what has happened this week but there has definitely been a change in my DH.  He still can't talk about it too much, but it is just lovely to know he is on board with this now.    
I really hope it works for you this time.  You sound like such a strong person to have gone through all this, you deserve some happiness!
Thanks for your support Future Mummy.  If I need more injections I am defo going to get my step sister to show me how to do them, so I can self inject. 
Luv Poppy


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

poppy, This is such good news!   I am very happy that DH is open to talking about it and more importantly to go along with one if not 2 IVF treatments! but I am sending you lots of      that you will only need one go  

Bright eyes, I am sending you lots of                         

Future Mummy


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## Lynn E (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi there ladies, 

I am new to this thread but have been reading Brighteyes  and Poppy comments on their DH. Sometimes is worth putting men in a environment where they are forced to be surrounded by children and watch how they interact and behaviour.  Sometimes I think our DH needs to be in environment to see what they could have if they try and what's it like to have children round them. Even baby sitting helps them understand what it is like looking after a little one, being a temp daddy for the day. 

Early this year I was happy to give up further IVF treatment all together before starting the adoption process because my DH was so upset and devastated about the last IVF treatment and was frightened to do any more. So I said let's call it a day, however after seeing my DH at a party surrounded by children, playing and laughing with them -  I could see he wanted to be a father so much and that the baby making process was doing his big head in!  

So next day, I asked my DH a couple of questions about us agreeing on a cut off date (including budget), also we agreed on a couple of counselling sessions to bring closure and discussed how would we feel if where getting old and childless or not having  children of our own. How DH would feel about no-one in this world carrying his genes and 4 years on from now where did he see us a Lise with or without. Did he even see us together. I think my my DH thought a life without kids was far more painful than another round of IVF. So in the end we decided to try another method, this time using donor eggs aboard. 

I think sometimes, it is better to live life without no regrets and every women has a right to be a mother with or without their DH - if they are mentally healthy. 

Good luck.

Lynn E


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