# No one sends sympathy cards for a BFN



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

I noticed in another post someone mentioned that their SIL has used the names that they had chosen if they had a girl......

My SIL called her dog Lulu, a name I always liked. I kind of made the mistake of mentioning it. Now whenever she mentions the bloody dog she gives me this "oops, I don't know what to say now" pitying look. I suppose I'm glad that she cares. Some people just make you feel sh*t though, like they are pitying you - like you are pitiful!

My othr SIL gave birth to her 2nd child 10 days before her mum died. Obviously that was horrendous. However, I had my UMPTEENTH BFN last year 3 days before we were told my father had hours to live (cancer). He stayed on for another 2-3 days..... I suppose the good thing about not being pregnant was that I stayed by his bedside, I spoke with him about my life and how I should live it. Precious moments. 

But - at the risk of sounding like I want a pity party - The BFN was also a big fat f*cking secret. There was no support - no one (other than close family) knew the double whammy bereavement I had just had. Now, I'm sitting here grappling with losing my dad and 10 failed rounds of fertility treatment of one form or another between July2011 and now. It's just pure, sh*t, isn't it?!?!?!

R xxx


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Rubster

Firstly a big hug for you! Sounds like you have been through the mill both with IVF and your Dad, I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of that!

I know exactly what you mean about not getting a sympathy card!

We told family and a few select friends about our first cycle and when it didn't work they were kind of like oh well you can try again and that was the end of the conversation, I had a chemical pregnancy and it was just disregarded by all but my parents, they were there the whole way through and propped me back up afterwards.

I think they see it the same as not getting pregnant one month when trying naturally, they don't realise the pressure and the build up of the cycle, the hoping and the praying we do all the way through and the crushing devestation when it doesn't work! 

Not to mention that we only get a finite number of tries whether NHS or private whereas other people get twelve tries every year!

I lost the plot after my second chemical, I couldn't believe my precious BFP had become a s**ty BFN but people just don't get it do they!

They profess to but they don't, they can't! 

We didn't tell anybody but my parents on the frozen cycle and we will be doing the same on our upcoming cycle and any future ones!

Pudding
X


----------



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Thanks Pudding, sorry to hear the reactions that you have been getting......that's totally crap.  Wishing you the very best of luck in all future treatment  

Sometimes I feel like people react like I have just told them that the shoes I really wanted in the sale didn't come in a size 7..... just so flippant. Also, it's like they think we have chosen this - we could not have IVF.... that's always an option! 

The thing that hurt was that everyone was commenting on how difficult it must have been for my SIL to have a newborn when her mum passed. Christ, I would happily donate all the organs I don;t need to have that "burden". My SIL is amazing, she is a massive massive support to me, so the anger is in no way directed at her. It's of course directed to myself, the world and my DH. It's so hard. 

Thanks for your support 

R xxx


----------



## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

I don't think any of it was intentional, it just highlights how little people really understand even when you explain it to them!

You know it's funny I read an article in the paper the other day where some actress said she suffered from "emotional infertility" ! I was so angry after reading it!

She claimed that because she hadn't met the "right one" to have kids with she was emotionally infertile, I hope she doesn't really suffer for infertility when she does try to have a baby because the feeling of humiliation she will feel after whining about something that is a lifestyle choice as opposed to an actual condition that causes misery and heartache to so many women who have gone through the phase of waiting for "the one" or have decided to try on their own and then found that it may never happen!

What a ridiculous thing to claim to suffer from! It's not infertility, it's a lifestyle choice!

Sorry for the rant it just spilled out of me!

Pudding
X


----------



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

That's OK pudding, better out than in, as they say! 

I'm so fed up of the daily reminders that I am a BFF (big fat failure) and that my little one is an only child. We've just moved into a new estate. Yesterday I organised a playdate with one of the little girls who lives here. She is lovely, it was a great afternoon for the two of them. Then, her brother and sister (who are 6 and 7, she is 5 - I kid you not)... called for her. She basically ran out of the door - and the three of them - a little gang - ran off together. Ruby, just stood waving, standing there in her little princess dress, suddenly no one to play with, while her friends has two constant play mates. My heart broke a 1000 times when, as I closed the door, Ruby lay down on the last step of our stairs and began to cry "I have no one to play with now". 

When will it hurt less, or not at all? A friend of mine (who had twins through IVF and recently disposed of their frosties cos they cant afford anymore kids) said that she will always feel the pain of wanting another child, but that all she can hope for is to learn to live with it and to be happy despite the pain

Here's hoping and praying for miracles for those still undergoing TX, and peace for those of us who aren't and never got our BFP's

R xxx


----------

