# 9 weeks into placement and feeling low...



## rikschick

Hi everyone. Wondering if there is anyone else out there who feels/ has felt like me? We have 2 little boys placed with us. The little oe seems to have settled in well, but the one who will nearly be 3 is very demanding. He cries a lot, always wants attention and tries to snatch/ steal anything his brother plays with. They both sleep, but I don't! Since they came I wake up at around 3 am and can't get back to sleep! As a result I am exhausted and not coping.


I think I am beginning to feel love for them, and so want to be a great mummy to them but I am finding things so hard. The practicalities of nappies, dressing, feeding etc is hard work (as we knew it would be) but when my husband is at work, I find the days long and lonely. Although we've lived here for many years I don't work locally so don't know anyone. I've been to play groups to try and meet mums but I think it is quite unsettling for the boys. My parents live 2 hrs away and still work so they have helped when they can. 


I just feel blue, lonely and guilty I feel like this. I have wanted to be a mum for so long and everyone says, oh you must be enjoying your adoption leave! But the truth is, I am so anxious and stressed. I am worrying about everything! We can apply for the adoption order soon, but I just don't feel confident enough to do that yet. 


My husband is struggling too but in a different way. He mourns the loss of our life as a couple so he is not enjoying this. I therefore worry about him too! He has taken the boys to see his mum fora few hours so I can have a bit of time to myself. I don't know if I should see a doctor - if I take something to help me sleep, it might all seem better, or if this is depression? I look round and see everyone else doing great jobs as mums and feel sad that it is not coming naturally to me. When I try to talk to friends, they say, yes, parenting is hard work! They don't understand the complexities of adoption.


Thankyou


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## wynnster

Hi Rikschick

I don't have the time to write everything I want to at the moment, But, I had to reply to say you're completely normal   

I felt strangely alone in the first few months of placement, nothing can prepare you for how constant and exhausting being a parent is, but add to that the issues that adoption brings for our children and its a miracle we get through it sometimes.   
So the things I find that helped me are: 
To plan, everything! so once the kids have gone to bed write a plan for the following day, what you could do in the morning to get out of the house, even write a list for what housework you could do that day if, like me, thats an issue you find you can't seem to get into a routine with, so I wrote down which days I could do the bathroom, the washing etc.
Have something to look forward to - Even having 'treat night' written in your diary will give you something to focus towards, treat night could be a glass of wine in the bath, out for a drink with a friend, whatever you enjoy. 
When dh gets in from work could he take over with the kids?  He do bedtime routine, you go for a walk. 

You have to fake it until you make it.

Big hugs to you and your family, it will get better, I promise   

Wynn


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## ♥JJ1♥

i would go and see your GP, discuss with your HV and your social worker, you don't have to suffer alone there is help out there for you and it is a difficult situation. If you feel this way, sleep deprived and exhausted and low in mood it weill impact on the children.
Good Luck


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## Cornflower

Hi,

I'm too early in the process to have any experience of this to share with you but just wanted to a post a note with a  . It sounds like such a big thing, such a huge transition to suddenly have two small children that I imagine some low feelings are almost inevitable sometimes. Don't feel guilty about that, lower your expectations about how you 'should' feel and maybe that will ease the pressure you put on yourself to get everything right.

Good luck, hope things become calmer in time.....


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## Anjelissa

Hi rikschick,

I agree with everything Wynn said above, I'm another big believer of lists, planning and routine. I think it helped to make me feel more in control during those first few weeks.
I still do it now almost 2 years on. If I'm finding I'm not getting time to do things such as housework etc, I just try to do one small thing a day, it soon all gets covered, and obviously it isn't that important if it doesn't anyway but it's just another thing that makes us feel on top of things and in control if chores aren't piling up I suppose  .
Getting out of the house everyday, even if only for a little walk helped. Our lo was placed with us in the autumn so very soon after we started to get grotty weather but I found being stuck inside really negatively affected my mood. 

Do try to find some time for yourself along with some time as a couple. We have DH's sister come to babysit one evening a month so we can go out for a meal (bless her). We're only ever gone about 2 hours and our lo doesn't even know we're gone as she comes when when he's already asleep. I know it maybe a bit early days for to do that yet, but maybe when the boys have formed a relationship with their Grandparents or a close family member you could venture out with your DH for lunch one weekend.

As for time on your own, again as Wynn said, even if your DH could have the boys for an afternoon so you can pop over to see a friend, or even just go out to the shops on your own, every little amount of 'you time' helps keep you from going bonkers   .
Honestly, even the smallest time to yourself helps to top up the 'sanity reserve'  .

We only had one little boy placed with us and at quite an early age of 11 months but still no one could have prepared us for those first couple of months! I've said this many times before but it felt like we had been hit by a tornado, spun around and set back down again to a completely different life than the one we had before  . It all seemed so surreal as well, almost an 'out of body' experience where you are living someone else's life!  
I think the tiredness in particular hits you harder than you can imagine and makes everything seem harder than it would be if you were properly rested.

I know you will hear this many times from people, but it truly does get easier and at some point you will just suddenly reflect that all seems 'normal' again, and it will be at that point that you will find you have also forgotten quite how your life was before.  

Don't feel bad about asking for help, whether that be from you SW, your children's SW, your HV, Dr, or whoever you feel is best placed to give you the support you need.  
As you say, however much friends and family want to help they really wont understand unless they have adopted themselves. Are you still in contact with any of your prep-group members who have lo's placed, if so maybe suggest meeting for a coffee, you will probably find that they are experiencing the same things as you   
I meet up with 3 Mum's from our prep group every other week and our lo's now have such wonderful friendships. It's lovely that we completely understand each others adoption related issues and concerns, not to mention that our lo's will benefit more and more as their friendships develop. I also meet a couple of girls from here every so often who don't live too far away, maybe that's another option for you?

Big hugs to you, and please know that what you are feeling is so totally normal  .
Above all else, and I know it's easier said than done but however you manage it do try to get some sleep, things will seem a bit better when you aren't so exhausted.  

Love Anj x x


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## AJ-Coops

Hi

I can totally relate to you.  We are 8 weeks into our placement with a 2 1/2 yr boy and both myself and DH are finding it very hard & have even had the conversation whether he was the right choice for us, not a nice position to be in!!  What we are finding hard is his behaviour, his tantrums are a completely different level to what we are used to.  The bottom step didn't work as he never stayed on it, so we have converted a room into a timeout zone with a stair gate on the door but recently, when we have had to put him in there - and it is a last resort - he has started to hit the wall with his head!!!! He is really hurting himself & it's very scary.  We are running out of ideas to discipline him but also to keep him safe?  To give him his due, he has bonded with us but due to our constant boundary setting/discipline we have not bonded to him.  What I try to keep remembering that this is the terrible 2's, and we are realistic that it is going to take a long time & fingers crossed by the end of the year when he is 3yrs & been with us for a while, things will have settled down - that at the moment is the only thing keeping us going, oh and the vino!!!

Also,he is our second adopted child & our 1st was 10mths whe he came to us, and if I am being totally honest, it did take me a good year to totally bond with him & now is he 100 percent our son & I can't imago e life without him.  Patenting adopted children is very hard & other parents with their own biological children will never understand. Even though we waited so long to be parents, the realisations of it all is totally different & I know I was mourning the child I could never have & definitely suffered post adoption depression.  

Luckily now we have a fantastic sw & we have been very honest with her. That & talking to close family/friends who are more than happy to help out.  We haven't yet used them to babysit, I think we will do in the next few weeks, just to have some time with DH. Also,as ds is nearly pre-school age, I have booked him into a pre-school to start in Sept for a couple of mornings a week, and that also is keeping me going.  Due to their age, mixing with other children the same age is very important for them & it is another way to meet parents of children of similar age.

Keep talking to people, as sharing problems does help a little. Make plans for the here & now but also for the future, look into pre-schools for him to start in a few months time.

Are you local to Hampshire as like you i haven't met other adoptive parents??

Stay strong - when I look at our first adoptive son, I know it was all worth it & know we will get there with our second!!!  Feel free to pm if you would likes chat??

Coops
X


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## cindyp

Unfortunately post adoption depression is a known phenomenon and it's not surprising, however much you want children the reality often turns out to be much harder than you imagined.  It's quite a shock going from being a couple to parents of two small demanding children.  Parenthood can be boring, changing nappies, feeding, dressing is time consuming but not particularly entertaining, it is exhausting as you find yourself trying to do four jobs at once and then when you go to bed you start thinking of all the other things you want to do.  It is particular harder when you are trying to deal with two at the same time.  

I agree with what the others have said.  I've recently done a talk at a prep course and the section that I was supporting was the one that said "Do not be afraid to ask for help".  I think because we go through so much to become parents we feel that we have to be brilliant and that people will judge us if we ask for help.  There can be a little imaginary voice that says "God if I say I'm not coping what will they think?  Will they wonder if they've made a mistake picking us to be parents?"  Ignore any negative thoughts you may have had, speak to your SW, ask for her advice.  They want the match to work so they should be there to support you.

I can sympathise with the sibling diffulties you are experiencing as I also have two children.  It is difficult when you have two of that age, the older child is still a baby but the younger requires more physical assistance.  The older child sees that and becomes incredibly jealous.  Throw in the whole trauma surrounding adoption and the normal terrible two's/threes and stress is inevitable.  As the others have said find time to yourself to try and recharge your batteries, as I was told "If Mum ain't happy, nobody's happy" so concentrate on yourself the most.  Try to gain some control through planning and if you still don't feel totally in control "fake it until you make it" as Wynn said so the kids feel secure.  Try and plan in some time for you and your older son so that you can baby him, I know there is an age gap but try and think of the boys more like twins because at the moment they probably are emotionally at the same age.

Hang in there it will get better


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## sabah m

Hi hun.....just want to say you are amazing!!!! Be kind to yourself, its hard work with kids, even after the agony of IVF and getting our miracle baby there are still times I reminisce about the good old days  and I don't feel guilty coz its normal!!! I found it easier to make friends on a 1-2-1 basis rather than at play groups, try www.netmums.com as there is a board where you can post a message or contact mums who live near you with similar aged kids....when I was on maternity i ensured I had an activity which took me out am or pm every other day....libraries are great as they have story times, as for your eldest...OMG terrible twos lasts ages! Mine is 3 and sometimes a little monster....be firm when you need to and lots of cuddles. I think what DH is feeling is also very natural and something all new fathers experience, feeling left out at the start....I had to use the Gina Ford book to follow a routine, I mean how are you supposed to just work it out? 

Lots of love to you all xxxx


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## Dame Edna

Hi Rickschick   

You poor love   

I would recommend that you ring your SW and ask her/him to put you in touch with other ADOPTERS who are in a similar place to you (ie. Recently had TWO   young children placed   ).  You need some support   . You need people who have been there   

It will improve but it will take time   . Your little ones have had their lives turned upside down and so have you   . 

As tired as I was when our son was first placed, I found it difficult to sleep too as I was worried DS would wake in the night and I wouldn't hear him   . I was also worried about getting enough sleep so consequently clock watched trying to sleep as I knew I really needed it!!  As you eventually feel comfortable with your new life you will sleep much better, honestly you will   .  

Take care of yourself, try to rest whenever you can (naps etc).  Have a nice evenng meal planned with your husband that you can look forward to during the day and above all know that it will get better as the children settle.  However, it takes time for you and them to adjust to their new life....

Big hugs
Xxxx


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## Han2275

I have no experience of adoption but I have just read your post and it made me feel so much admiration for all parents who go down the adoption route. My boys are 4.5 and 21 months. They are on the go all day, they adore each other but will very quickly flit from hysterical laughter together to full on arguements over a toy. After reading your post I sat here thinking about how DP and I would feel if one day our boys just moved into our home. I am pretty certain that our excitement at becoming parents would be accompanied by exhaustion, feeling out of our depth, and pretty  terrified! Our family has obviously grown gradually. After DS1 was born we just found he slotted into our lives, but the arrival of DS2 really turned our world upside down, I think because we now had 2 children to care for and also because DS2 was a much more difficult baby. We also both took a very long time to really understand him and feel that we were really meeting his needs. You are going through all these emotions too but I guess in a very unique way that only really other adoptive parents can truelly understand. It is really hard losing the spontineity and independence that you had when it was just the 2 of you but you will eventually find a different balance in your lives. I hope you get all the support you need from people who really understand


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## Anjelissa

Hi Han2275,

I just want to say how lovely it is to hear a parent of birth children totally appreciate the complexities of suddenly becoming an adopted family. You are right in that suddenly having to hit the road running with a child that isn't a new born (whether 1 child or 2) is quite a shock. In my experience a lot of birth parents don't really get that and just say 'yeh parenting is hard work no matter what age etc etc' so it's so refreshing to hear from someone who hasn't adopted who actually can appreciate the difference   
I have extra admiration for adoptive parents of 2 children such as rikschick as I know how hard it was adjusting to just the one   

As we are going through the 'terrible 2's' atm I really respect parents of 2 or more (both adopted and birth children), as your skills of juggling and your patience reserves must be amazing   . 

Anj x


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## Duckling

Hi Rikschick
I haven't posted on here for ages as since we had our little boy placed with us 4 months ago finding time is tricky! But I had to post to give you a   . To think you must be experiencing all that we did x2 is a massive big deal - you mustn't underestimate how hard it is and how well you're doing. In the first couple  of weeks I started writing a list of what had gone well that day as I was getting a bit overwhelmed with what I wasn't achieving and the bad bits. I really surprised myself when I realised all the lovely things that were happening. Agree completely with Wynnster about planning - I set out everything for the next day the night before and it makes such a difference - I'm often teary doing it though as I'm so tired!  
I know it can be lonely too and wish that our LA had a support group. My lo is very busy and I still find going to groups a bit overwhelming. It does get easier I promise. We've managed one night - well a couple of hours out as a couple and it made a big difference. Going out every day, whatever the weather is a must for our little boy, let alone me. 
You say that you're anxious and stressed - that's exactly how I felt - but it gets better all the time. I used to read posts by Dame Edna, Wynnster and Anjelissa well before we were approved and would definitely rely on their advice and reassurance. I could write loads more but my parents have taken our lo out for a few hours for me to clean the house!   All I can say is it gets better and be kind to yourself - you're going through a massive upheaval. 
Love from Duckling xxx


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## rikschick

Thank you so much everyone for your very kind advice and support. Already I don't feel so alone - knowing that what I am feeling is not unusual makes such a difference! You are right in that I feel as though my life is surreal - I feel as though this is not happening to me!


Yes, I will begin to write things down -there is just so much good stuff when I think about it - I am sure it's my tiredness and the feeling of being overwhelmed by something so totally new that is the main problem here. We also need to find stuff I can do with 2 - I don't even feel confident in taking them to the park on my own as my youngest is such a daredevil - he throws himself down slides as with my eldest still only being 2, I need to keep him safe too. Even something like Tumble Tots - there is one session for up to 2 and one session for over 2s, so that's no good either. 


I went to a coffee morning today for mums with toddlers and a lady arrived who I vaguely know through a friend- she has 4 birth children and adopted a little girl with foetal alcohol syndrome 5 years ago, and is adopting another little one this summer! It was as though she was an angel sent to me in my time of need! She sat next to me and gave me great advice and was complementing me ony boys. She gave me her phone number and said she will take me to a few of the groups, but also that when she gets her new little one, we can do stuff together (she will be the same age as my youngest). 


Then this afternoon the sun came out and we all sat in the garden and ate choc ices! I have made an appointment with my GP just to try and sort out my sleeping and I am seeing my social worker tomorrow who phoned today with the number of another couple who adopted 2 and struggled. 


I do feel a little brighter and did enjoy most of the day. Will keep you up to date -thank you sooooo much guys xxxx


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## Dame Edna

Fantastic news Rikschick   

How amazing that you should 'bump' into the adopter at a toddler group.  Like you say, you were meant to be there today to see her   . She is going to totally get it as is the other lady with two   

Glad you are feeling a little brighter.  It all takes time and it is very early days for you all   

X

PS. Thanks Duckling


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## Mrs B (was Mrs B to be)

You are doing amazingly and meeting that lady sounds just the tonic. I have twin girls which are birth children but since the start of early terrible twos I have to say that I don't recognise them sometimes! Dealing with tantrums is tough as it is, but coupled with a huge change to yours & dh life then it will take time. I don't think we really knew what we let ourselves in for & dh still mourns his old life! (to be fair hewent part time to look after them so his life has changed a lot!). Keep talking and make time for you. We are considering maybe adopting but am not sure whether it would be right for us. X


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## crusoe

Rikschick I have sent you a PM.
You are not alone!

crusoe
xx


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## Anjelissa

Hi again rikschick,

I'm so pleased to hear things have turned around a little for you and especially that you've met up with another adopter at the coffee morning  
She sounds amazing! 4 birth children and now an adopted daughter with another one on the way! wowzers!  
Another point I forgot to mention, your HV may be able to put you in touch with other adopters in your area. She wont be able to pass on their details to you of course but if she does have other adopters under her care she may be willing to pass your name and number or email address on to them. Ours did that for me.  
You're doing an amazing job, and as I said before I have sooooo much respect for parents of 2 or more   .
As Duckling mentioned, those of us with one placed can only imagine what it must be like x2, but I know from speaking to others that the one similarity is that it DOES get easier with time and you WILL feel better, less tired and in control of life again real soon     

Lots of luck at the Drs re/sleeping btw.
More hugs   
Love Angie x x

PS....Duckling, thank you, that was so lovely of you to say   It's great to know we've been of help  
I know what you mean though, I used to gain a lot from people a bit further down the line on here (epecially Popsi as she was a bit ahead of me) and it was so good to hear positive stories and get advice from people in the same situation but just a bit ahead of you in the process. x


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## rikschick

Hi there everyone - thank you again for your continuing words of encourage ment and support xxxxx (Thankyou for my PM Crusoe xx)


I went to my GP and she talked to me about Post Natal Depression and said my symptoms were the same. She was lovely and helped me to see that my low mood etc was more to do with my response to our massive life change rather than how I feel about the boys. She gave me sleeping tablets which I tried over the weekend and got a solid 6 hours on Saturday night! 


We were feeling as though things were settling down, but then we spent the morning with foster family on Saturday. Our LA say we have to do this around this far into placement so the children know they haven't been abandoned. Is this the same for everyone? While I understand this and was feeling as though my eldest one would benefit from seeing them, it's had a detrimental effect. We met them in a park which was ok, but when we got back we had major screaming tantrums over lunch (we've had to work really hard on feeding and felt we were right back to square one), then yesterday my husband tried to go into the house to get some rubber ducks for the paddling pool and there was complete uncontrollable tantrums and screaming like I have never seen before. It's clearly made him feel vulnerable and insecure. I've told our social worker and she just said, 'oh, I hope it's a small set back,'. It's just the last thing we needed right now. Today has been hard -screaming when I tried to come his hair, scratching his brother when he thought I wasn't looking and screaming again when he snatched a toy and I took it off him. Also his little brother is teething and grumpy!! Joy!!


However, bath time and bedtime was calm - so I guess we got through another day! 


Also on a positive note, I am going round to another mums house on Wednesday - my first new mummy invite for coffee and I made another friend at the coffee morning today. I have also been given the number of an adopter who had 2 so I called and left her a message. 


Lots of love - your responses have been keeping me going xxx


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## Anjelissa

Hi again rikschick,

I've sent you a pm   
I meant to the other day and forgot   

Anj x


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## galaxy girl

Hi riksChick


Felt I had to post as I also have 2 ... One at 3 and one at 16 months. They have been home for 3 months. It has been v hard, I don't know what I was thinking of thinking that 2 new little people at once would be manageable ! It's such hard work and they both need so much for your attention and there's only one of you.


However when I have one or the other of them it's much more fun! It is def getting easier .


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## crusoe

Hi Rikschick
just to say my son had a similar response to seeing his foster carer a couple of months after placement. He was clearly angry and very confused but non verbal so the only way he could express his confusion and upset was via his behaviour. It did settle fairly quickly though and I'm sure it will for your boys too. 

Well done on seeing your GP and getting out there and meeting people. It sounds to me as if you are doing really well.

Hugs
Crusoe
x


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## Camly

hiya riks     


this parenting malarky is hard going isnt it?  i think u are doing all the right things - ur seeking help where you need it and 'putting' yourself out there to try and meet people in the same position as you.  i think its very difficult being a parent never mind an adoptive parent.  sometimes we dont give ourselves enough credit!! we all rock!!!    


im nearly 3 years down the line and there are sometimes that i have to take stock and look at the bigger picture ie whats the worst that will happen if i dont get the hoover or polish out..... nothing!!!   


please be kind to yourself. try and get urself to bed early - i used to b in bed sleeping for 9pm and thought that i would never have a late nite again..ever....but of course it all changes.


take care of urself.


lots of love, camly xxxxxx


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## doodles4

Hi Rickschick - just read your post as I too am feeling really down and came on looking for some support and just to know I'm not alone.  It's now 13 weeks into our placement of a 5 yr old girl and hubby & I are wondering when she will start to feel like ours.  I did like the comment "fake it till you make it" as that's exactly what we're doing, I'm just not feeling anything.  I thought I'd enjoy being off work and looking after a child but I'm bored and lonely and dying to get back to work to get some normality back into my life.  

I panic every morning when I have to collect her from nursery as I can just see this long afternoon streatching out before me and wonder how I'm going to keep her occupied. 

Hubby & I were on our own for 10 years and just miss the peace & quiet and doing stuff on the spur of the moment.  This morning I just felt like screaming "just shut up" as she just chatters on and on when I'm trying to get organised.  I know she's just being a kid but it does my nut in some days  Feel as if I'm grumpy all the time, telling her off and setting the boundaries - not my usual happy go lucky self at all.

I'm going to go now but hope people keep posting on this thread just to keep me sane.


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## Old Timer

Hi Doodles4
Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment    It is early days and it can be very hard and lonely and all the rain is bound to be causing frustration - so much better being able to get out for a walk or to the park.
The constant chattering can be a sign of being anxious and needing to be kept close to you.  Is she going to a new nursery?  When is she starting school?
My advice would be to get out and let her run around a park in good weather, tire her out!  If its raining and you don't feel up to much why don't you try a nice film and snuggle up (if she will let you) together and watch it?  
Its very common to miss your old life and reality is very different from all those dreams, it can come as quite a shock to the system but it should get easier as you get to know each other.
OT x


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## jitterbug

Hi Doodles and Rickschick

I couldn't read and run. 

We're nearly a year in and I felt every single emotion you are feeling. I know some people 'fall in love' with their child immediately and I honestly thought I would too, but it just didn't happen.

I remember when DH went back to work and I used to count every quarter of an hour until he'd be home and be relieved when it was time to do something like cook a meal or bathtime.

I vividly remember crying down the phone as I was pushing her in the buggy on one of our mammoth dog walks to my best friend saying what have we done??

Now, 10 months on I love her so much it makes me feel weepy. I love being in her company and look forward to meeting her from nursery. It's so so different. For us, the change came at month 5 or 6. She began to settle (she is still not securely attached - that can take years- and is v anxious and has her issues but we've all kind of got to know each other) and we feel like she was born to us. We cannot image not having her (although somedays to stay in bed or book a weekend away like 'before' is v tempting!)

I would suggest: use your support network. If they can help out (even for an hour) let them. Use part of the afternoon to just cuddle and watch a DVD, building up the bond between you. If she's not too tired after nursery, go and walk round the shops or go swimming. Something you can do together that will pass the time. Or go out for a coffee, she can have a juice and take a colouring book or something. It passes more time than a quick drink at home.

The bond will come. I was very very shouty at the beginning and teary. i look back and cringe, but I promise you it's normal. I missed work like mad too and felt guilty because I had what I'd wanted for 10 years, and then felt I couldn't cope. Keep posting. You're not alone and entirely normal!

I'll think if I can come up with a few more suggestions while she's at nursery - 2.5 hours alone - lovely!!! 

Take care xxxxxxxx


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