# A fragile feeling of "being/not being a mother"



## confused1 (Jun 30, 2014)

Hi,

I am 28,5 weeks pregnant.

I have been working hard on feeling like a mother, not just a woman who is pregnant with my partner's child. My partner is a lovely and supportive man. And "donor egg" was MY idea. He was very upset to start off with, as he wanted to have a child with ME according to him. But he agreed finally, and we went for it.

I was delighted when I found out that I was pregnant (and so was he!) Every time I go to medical control, I feel more and more bond to the girl. We chose a name for her: Sofia. And we decided that she'll have my surname as her middle name and my partner's surname. And I am very pleased about that. I love her kicks!

I am used to things/people being taken away from me in a brutal way (since my birth). My experience was that if I tried to fight back to keep them, it just made things worse, as it would end up in things/people being taken away from me anyway, but in a meanwhile we allwould get hurt and punished. So I have been afreid of being emotionally attached to people. Nevertheless, somehow I managed to feel more and more secure with my partner. But I have been worrying that if anything goes wrong between us, he'd take Sofia from me. And in case this happens, I don't want to hurt Sofia, so I think that the best way of dealing with it would be to "hand her over" to my partner. (I am a foreigner in this country, and I don't have any relationship with my family. One of the reasons I wanted to use donor, is not to pass on my family's genes to my child. While my partner has a close knitted family, who loves him to bits and dislike me for being a foreigner. Even though I have two very close friends with lots of influence in this country, I am afraid that I won't contact them if Sofia were taken from me, as I do not think that starting a war at that point would be sth I would be strong to go through, and it might get too nasty.What if the nasty fight make her suffer in any way? And I am not sure if I deserve being her mother in the first place... Will I be able to be a good mum for her?  Nevertheless my partner insists on, if anyone (including him or/and his family, even though he is 1000000% sure that it wouldn't happen!) do sth of the kind, I need promise him that I would contact these friends straight away. He knows that these 2 people are willing to go to extreme length to help me.)

I never had a mother as a role model. My mother was so abusive, that I stopped calling her mother a few years ago, just to stop associating the word with physical and emotional abuse, while my partner has a father who is a good role model.

To make it all even more confusing, being abandoned by my father and abused by my stepfather, made me imagine on subconscious level being with her alone, even though my partner would be around (taking care of her, all the practicalities and dealing with emotional issues that I might have), as I I am used to dealing with things all by myself. So I was moved to tears when I heard how natural it was for my partner to refer to her as OURS. 

A few days ago I went to buy baby clothes for Sofia. (My partner had thought that it was a good idea for me to do it alone, as that was the way I wanted to do it). I wanted to do this with a friend of mine. I enjoyed it so much, and I bought lots of lovely clothes for her. I felt that it brought me so much closer to Sofia.

I found out on Internet how one is due to wash baby clothes, and phoned my partner while he was at work and asked him to buy perfume free detergent and softner. I had e-mailed him a link with the information (it was the link of the international organisation dealing with washing clothes.) Apparently, he had no time to read the link, but when I phoned him asking him to buy these things, he sounded dismissive and said that there was nonsense to use softner, as there was so much chemicals there. And he added that we would discuss it when he came back from work.

I was extremely hurt and scared. I told him that from now on, it would be his responsibility to wash her clothes the way he wanted to it. I will not interfere, and if she gets allergy or sth as a consequence of this, it would be HIS problem and he'd have to deal with it. I told him that he was the PARENT, and I am so scared of him and his family complaining about me injuring/harming his daughter and their granddaughter on purpose. He was so heart-broken and petrified by my reaction. He was shocked that I gave up so easily. It wasn't just about clothes. It was about me giving up my maternal responsibility and not feeling as a mum. When he tried to reach out to me and telling me that I was just as much a parent as he is, if not more, as I have the child growing inside of me, while he can feel her kicks only by touching my belly, I replied: "Shall we take a DNA test?"

He didn't mean to be dismissive about the clothes' wash at all. He just wanted us to read more on this, as he hadn't been aware how much time I spent on this. And he told me that every time we have a disagreement (which is unavoidable from time to time) that he would like us to discuss it as parents having the same rights to the child and having the same weight attached to our opinions, and then we would arrive to decisions together.

He got so scared that he started questioning if the whole donor thing was a good idea. And so did I, to be honest.

Another thing that worried him AND me was: What if I start using itas a manipulation card for giving him a guilt trip? (If he doesn't agree with me, then I'll check-out by telling him:"Whatever. You are the parent here!"

Nevertheless, later that day I wanted us to go to the shops to look at prams. And then I became very engaged. I do NOT want to have a second-hand pram for our girl, regardless how clean it is. So my partner agreed on that one.

So I felt better when I woke up today. I bought the purfume free detergent and softer, and washed Sofia's clothes and it made me feel very good again. I was very moved and thinking about how much I am looking forward to seeing her.

I got very scared how fragile the feeling of not being a genetic mother is. :-(

I wonder if anybody experienced this before and how you dealt with it....


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## mrsww (Sep 1, 2013)

Not yet a mother but I work with post natal women and it sounds like anxiety. This is normal and it would be a good idea to talk to a health professional.  There is plenty of information about post natal depression and less so about anxiety. It could be a good idea to get counselling or at least research places where to get extra support. I'd also recommend a called Becoming Us by Elly Taylor. It talks about changes within a new family and will offer ways of dealing differences in parenting.


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

You certainly sound like you need some counselling desperately.  Please see your GP or health visitor.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

actually it's not just about whether it's donor or not. I miscarried my previous pregnancy and was convinced this one would somehow be taken away. Even once the baby was here i would find myself organising his clothes in a way that was as if i was doing it for someone else... like i was taking perfect care of the practicalities so the 'next person' would see that the baby had everything they needed... but even though i loved him i was not bonding to start with at all if by bonding it means being relaxed that baby is there for keeps. 
there are a million things for new parents to argue over and i think my DH is determined to tick off the whole list! But it sounds to me confused1 that you're working through everything and starting to enjoy being able to prepare for the baby girl sofia, it will take time for you to accept she is there for you but it will happen eventually there will be a day you hold her and nothing else matters. in the meantime just accept there will be days it feels nervewracking and days it feels fun. good luck.


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## Surfer1 (May 1, 2007)

Hello,

I would also suggest going to the Donor Conception Network meeting. http://www.dcnetwork.org/ 
We started going when I was pregnant. We didn't have the ups and downs as much as you - I feel for you both, but it was good to meet others in the similar situation of donor conceived child-to-be and also hear from speakers including donor conceived children. It can be quite busy which is fun! 10 years on, we still go and enjoy the sessions. The other thing we did to, in a sense, "own together" the pregnancy was to get one of the telling books from the network. http://www.dcnetwork.org/library/our-story-children-conceived-through-egg-donation-heterosexual-couple-families 
There is one specifically for donor egg. The cartoons in it were a bit dated, so we had a fun evening taking photos of each other and sticking our expressions on the cartoon figures. At the end of it, it has a page saying something like "and you are now part of our family". We put photos of our families, cousins etc - you could include friends. 
Other thing is if you haven't already go to an NCT pregnancy classes - meet others who, if they are like ours, we just had a joint 10th birthday with all our kids. 
Our son knows from birth he was donor conceived and we say a kind person donated their genes and we are your parents, which he is fine with. He talks a little about it once in a while but he knows we are his parents )
It is an exciting, scary, questioning, sometimes funny time being pregnant, so talking to others is good.

All the best xx

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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I empathise with the feeling of sometime  feeling detached from your pregnancy/child, although my son is genetically mine.
After 2 miscarriages I had  similar feelings to Goldbunny, which made me scared to bond straightaway somehow.
I assure you this is normal! But you shouldn't use your feelings to emotionally blackmail your partner, this is unhelpful for your situation, your marriage and your child.
You are the only mum your daughter has or will ever need, so please play your role for her to the best of your ability.
Your daughter has two parents, you and your husband and she didn't ask to come into the world: you made her happen! You can be very proud that you are carrying a little girl for your partner and yourself to love.
When we are stressed all mothers can be scared of hurting their child, again this is normal as long as it stays in your head! If the thoughts are disturbing you, talk to your GP please.

Do not abandon your daughter. My partner walked out when my baby was 13 weeks old, as there is no biological link. It hurt me like nothing before and my baby is growing up without a dad.
I am sure you can be a wonderful mother to Sofia. You'll have to make decisions to the best of your abilities every day and share the responsibility with your partner.
Yes you will get things wrong as all parents do, but no more guilt trips!
She won't care or remember how her clothes were washed, all that matters is love and affection x


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
please do not worry about anyone taking your daughter away. The fact that she is de is irrelevant.  In the eyes of the law, you are her mother.

After infertility it is hard to believe you are pregnant, and can be difficult to accept until the baby is here safe and sound. And with your background,  that will be amplified. 
However, she is your daughter. You were given a few cells. The child that is growing inside you is fed on your food, nourished by your blood and chi. She will be different than she would've been had those few cells been transferred into another woman ( look into epigenetics ). She listens to your tummy rumbling and is comforted by the sound of your heartbeat. You were given a blueprint for a house, but you get to pick the materials and the decor.

it is normal to worry about will you be a good mother. And to stress about what will your baby look like etc. This is the case for naturally conceived children, and is amplified for de children ( and ds too ). 

However, once they arrive they are yours. Bonding may not be instant, and may take a few days or even weeks. But it will happen and , once it does, the intensity of feelings can be scary.  If you can breastfeed , it helps with bonding, and means you are dojng something for your baby noone else can do. But if you can't bf don't beat yourself up about it.

Be prepared for some dark times in the first few weeks tho, as sleep deprivation gets on top of you.  I am not saying this to scare you, but so you don't stress when it happens. We wll have times when they are going through a growth spurt when we question our sanity and would do anything for a night of uninterrupted sleep. Just make sure you get some sleep when your baby does, forget about housework, and let dp take her for a walk or a drive for an hour or two to give you time to have a shower and a sleep. 

You will be a good mum. You have hormones rampaging at the moment, and are about to embark on the most amazing journey of your life. You will be a mother. It is a scary thing, and we all worry we won't be up to the job. This is even more marked I think when de are involved. We feel we have to be super mum to make up for our inability to get pregnant with oe, and to be worthy of the amazing gift another woman, and the universe, gave us. This is normal. If you know that and accept it is ridiculous you can start to work on it, 

I have 3 de children. They are my children. I love them more than I could say, and wouldn't swap them for anything - including oe children. They are their own people, and I love getting to know their personalities and idiosyncrasies.  I love seeing my mannerisms, hearing my mums turn of phrase. 

Be kind to yourself,  and to your partner. I know how difficult it is to trust ( I still always have a contingency plan for if dp walks after nearly 12 years together ) but start by trusting yourself. You are Sophia's mum, and noone can take that away from you. The fact she is from a donor egg is irrelevant in that. 

Any questions about being a de mum - or a mum full stop - just ask 

Big hugs.
x x


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