# Social Network sites



## Jenifers (Aug 26, 2010)

I was wondering if anyone could help....

I have stupidly looked and now found my daughters BF on ** and he has her name as his profile name along with her photos. Her name is unusual and now I am wondering if we ought to look to change it? Am I over reacting? She is under 2 years old so not sure what to do but its really panicked me.

Thanks


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Oh bless you Jenifer   - I have no words of wisdom, but I know there are lots of ladies on the adoption threads who are very knowledgeable and will be able to advice.  How long has your daughter been home and did you initial discuss changing her name with your SW if its so unusual?


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Jenifers - I would report this to your SW immediately. Does your contact agreement include photos? If so, I would refuse to send any more. Big hugs to you, I can imagine how you must feel.

Peacelily xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hu, just a very quick reply as I am on my phone, to say you can report the photos to ******** if you have the AO and they should (and do) remove immediately.  Actually, they should take down the page if it is in her name.

Re changing her name, ultimately that will be up to you, but doing it with the sw's agreement would be easier if you don't have the AO.  Our daughters name was changed on placement because it was easily identifiable.  I can tell you how we introduced it when I have a proper keyboard if you're interested.  Wyxie.  Xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I'm afraid I too have found both BP on **...    Luckily they won't have had any pics of LO for quite some time and there are very few of him on either of their pages, but I am going to keep an eye on them for a while.  Once I think they pose no further issue I can't decide whether to just block them or not...  They won't be looking for me as they won't have my name and I won't be posting pics of Bluebird so I think it is highly unlikely they will pose a threat...  However it will be very easy for LO to find them once old enough to have access to **, still, we have time to consider that issue...   

Minefield!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Oddly enough I went on ** today and found that our LO to be's BM has our LO as profile pic. I'm going to keep an eye but not worry about it until she is placed with us. I think I'd report it to my SW if I were in your position x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Social networking sites are a complete nightmare for adoption. However hard we might try, in reality it's going to be very difficult to keep our children's photos off ******** when they get to school age. The basic problem is that most people don't actually understand the reason why they shouldn't post pictures of other people's kids publicly. Most people think you're worried about internet paedophiles and will tell you "well, anyone could see them walking down the street" etc. Most people genuinely haven't thought through the safeguarding concerns. People feel they have the right to put the photo of little Johny in his nativity play up on ********, regardless of who else is in it, and have their profile set so everyone and their dog can see and share it. I make an effort at the moment to make sure no-one else posts any photos, but I had Wyxling at a soft play centre a month or so back and a birthday party was there and they were taking film, which I'm pretty sure she was in, although I did ask the person filming it not to include her. I don't know that person, or what they'll do with that.

I made a decision quite early on that Wyxling will not know her birth parents surnames until she is _significantly_ older. I found her birth father (completely untraceable, according to her SW) on ******** and myspace in about 2 minutes flat, I'm sure she would do the same at some point and I want to make sure that if or when she wants to do that, she does it with me, and when she's ready.

I believe there are also proposals to make it illegal for birth parents to try and contacted their adopted children via social networking sites. I know I read something about this, but can't find anything about it now.


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## Jenifers (Aug 26, 2010)

Thank you all for your comments, we have spoken to SW and a few actions have been taken and we will be looking into changing the spelling of her name slightly.

Arrgghh, you get so far and think all is ok then these little hurdles come along, oh well. 

Thanks again everyone, I love this site!

XXX


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Please be aware also if you look at their ** pages a few times ** suggest you to them a new friend, so hopefully they don't know your name or recognise you from your profile pic or they will know you've been looking at them.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I never knew that!!  That's it decided, I'm blocking them now...


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Ruthie...is that true? I cannot be searched for on ** so would that still happen?


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi PL

There is a tick box setting which you can disable regarding the 'suggesting friends' option.

Make sure it is ticked!

However, the very fact that you cannot be searched would suggest to me, that you would not be 'suggested' anyway  

X


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Thanks DE...but I can't find it    I do keep an eye on BM on ********, so it would be terrible if she was suggested me as a friend - as we have met once and I do sometimes use a pic of me as my profile pic.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i have a 2nd ** account under a bogus name and linked to a different email address which i use to search for BP's..never found them tho...


kj x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Ummmm, it would seem I was talking out of my ar*e, as I can't find such a tick box either     . I am sorry, I could have sworn there was such a setting but looking on the ******** help section, I don't think there is and it looks like 'suggestions' can't be stopped but you can block certain people from appearing on YOUR page as a suggeted friend (that's no help is it)   . Sorry   

However, I would be very surprised if you would be 'suggested' if people can't find you via the search option, even if you have frequently looked at BM.  Still, it is a worry as I am not certain now   

I have a fake account with a fake name (no links, photos, friends etc).  However,  I still don't like to think of my fake identity appearing on BM's suggested friends list   .  I also have an account with my real name on (not searchable, no photo, high security settings etc).  I 'had' to join as I am a member of a group (will explain face to face   ) and I had to become a 'friend' of the group in order to gain access their page   .  However, I know I have made a mistake and searched BM while logged in with my real name (only once or twice), but I am a bit concerned now too   

Minefield   

X


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## Jenifers (Aug 26, 2010)

Oh gosh, I never knew that either! I will block too x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

I think the only way to stay safe is to set up a new email address, then use that to set up a 'fake' ** account.  Search for bp's only under this account, when you find them log back into your normal account and add them to your 'blocked' list.  
Under the fake account when you're looking at bp's also check their 'friends' list and add any 'suspicious' people to your normal blocked list too, you never know if they'll look for you using another account.   

DE - There is a section (somewhere) where you can say who can search for you.  I have mine set to 'friends' only.  

I have also looked at my normal profile using my fake account, obviously profile pics are public so anyone who comments on your photo or likes it can be searchable, so if your mum comments for eg but hasn't got as much security as you then their account can be looked at   

Its a minefield!  The only way to be totally safe is not to have a ** account!


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

wynnster said:


> Its a minefield! The only way to be totally safe is not to have a ** account!


It's true! Wynn, if you get chance could you search for me using your fake account and double check I can't be found. I think I did set up a fake account once, I'll have to try and remember the password!


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

No cant find you at all. 
KJ - Yours needs tweaking though    I looked at you to try to find PL. 

Happy to have a look for anyone else


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

You're a star, thanks so much


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Can I ask a really silly question? Why do you keep track of the bp's? It's something I hadn't thought about and maybe it's something I should (if we get placements)

Sorry for being thick but is it useful to do?


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## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

Don't want to scare anyone, but if any photos are uploaded to ******** - and they were taken using a mobile phone, then they *might* also have GPS locations tagged hidden inside them(aka EXIF) . This is also known as geotagging. Apps like instagram etc like it turned on. ******** also uses this geotag information for its maps system.

Essentially, using free online services you can upload the photo and it will tell you exactly where the picture was taken - even showing you the position on a google map.

Slightly different use of geotagging.... According to child exploitation police training is that paedophiles when grooming - often trick children into sending them explicit photos from their blackberry's in return for call vouchers/money - with the sole intention of getting the geotag to find out where the child lives.  Another reason not to let children have mobiles when they are too young.

So moral of the story - don't upload any sensitive pictures to websites(including FF!) and especially ********.

Personally... I'm glad I deleted my ******** account.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

This is why no pics of Bluebird will ever go on ********, once you upload something you loose all control over it and it's there forever, you can't delete even if you think you can.


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Sorry to butt in ladies in this section, I seen this thread in 'unread posts since last visit'.  I think the only time you can be suggested as a friend to someone is if you have a friend in common.  If you look at someone's page and you have no friends in common, I'm fairly certain you will never be suggested to them!  And it doesn't matter how many times you look!

If you look at your suggested friends on ********, you will see it also says how many friends you have in common, I have never ever been suggested a friend with none in common.

Hope that helps


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Daisy-Chain said:


> If you look at your suggested friends on ********, you will see it also says how many friends you have in common,* I have never ever been suggested a friend with none in common.*


I have, loads of times. Absolutely complete randoms with no obvious link whatsoever.

I'm not searching for our potential BPs, its not worth the risk. Plus, I don't know if I'm unusual but I'm not especially interested?

Admittedly I wouldn't be thrilled if they had pictures of my child as their profile pic, but what you don't know...


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

katie c said:


> Daisy-Chain said:
> 
> 
> > If you look at your suggested friends on ********, you will see it also says how many friends you have in common,* I have never ever been suggested a friend with none in common.*
> ...


How strange! Iv just been on my ******** and looked down a huge list of suggested friends and not one of them I have no friends in common with, all at least one and some lots more!

Iv had requests from absolute randoms with no friends in common though but never ******** suggestions of friends!

Maybe worth if anyone is worried, sending a message to ******** and ask them the question directly?


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

wynnster said:


> No cant find you at all.
> KJ - Yours needs tweaking though  I looked at you to try to find PL.
> 
> Happy to have a look for anyone else


hmm not sure what you mean..did you find me using your fake ** account


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We r not on ******** but everyone else in family is and I do worry what pics might be on there. We were told bp are only 6 clicks away from finding bc    I think this may even have been 4 as we finished the process. 

Scarey stuff


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## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

From ********.....



> What is "People You May Know"?
> People You May Know are people on ******** that you likely know. We show you people based on mutual friends, work and education information, networks you're part of, contacts you've imported and *many other factors*.
> 
> Since our formula is automatic, you might occasionally see people you don't know or don't want to be friends with. To remove them from view, just click the X next to their names. Remember: ******** does not send friend requests to anyone that shows up in this list on your behalf.


The last sentence doesn't mean that they do not suggest you to other people (BP for example) though.

http://www.********.com/help/501283333222485/


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Daisy-Chain said:


> How strange! Iv just been on my ******** and looked down a huge list of suggested friends and not one of them I have no friends in common with, all at least one and some lots more!


I don't think I've ever seen one in the list of suggested friends, but just ones that pop up at the side of your feed.

No idea that looking at someone links you to them though, but I'm not prepared to take the risk admittedly.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I came off ** years ago and I'm so glad I did. But I searched for BPs just using theirs names in google and they come up on ** with pics of LO. I think the only safe way is not to have an account. There is an Internet site called '*******' where some BPs upload pics of their kids and say that SS stole them etc. A friend was told when she adopted about this. I checked it for her and got an all clear. My SW told me a story of an adopted child being tracked down on ** by her BM. I think I will do whatever I can to keep our LOs safe but in this day and age it is hard. We can have every protective measure in place but I think as wyxie said, it only takes a school nativity play video or photo posted and it's out there. When I was on ** I was amazed at the six degrees of separation. People I knew from one place knew people from another many, many, many times over and I was always amazed at how they knew each other and the links there. So I can definitely see you being 4 clicks away from finding BC. The Internet is both wonderful and terrifying.

[me=Anthony Reid]removed the name of the website - in case our site is brought up in searches for it. if you want it then please pm me, or ask anyone here via PM.[/me]


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## nicola jane (May 14, 2013)

reading this is deffo worrying me so i think i will be deleting my ** account..better to be safe than sorry!!!!!!!!!


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## ferness (Jan 12, 2011)

I am definitely thinking of coming off ** but is it useful to be keeping an eye on pics that your friends post in case your child features in them, then you can ask for them to be removed? Obviously we will tell everyone not to put any pics or info on ** but I can imagine people forgetting and there being a few slip ups! Or is it better not to be on there then they can't tag their photos with your name? - it is a total minefield!


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I think you really need to be aware of how it works and to be on ** to keep an eye on others, but you can lock down your profile so that you get to preview any tags before you allow them to be posted.  Not being on ** is no guarantee of anything, and being up to date on how it works is a much better defence in my opinion. xx


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

This is all absolutely terrifying.


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

Maisy, I agree it is terrifying. H and I have been wondering for a while what to do about **...we have friends and family who live away and would like to stay in touch with them. Saying that, there doesn't seem much point if we will not be posting photos. What to do, what to do...


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Doofuz I already decided a long time ago that I'd never post baby or child pics on ** as I ahd a bad experience myself where someone took photos from my profile and used them. I may be naive but I pretty much thought most birth parents probably couldn't give two figs about the kids and would just ignore whatever letterbox contact they had etc, so I thought I probably wouldn't have to worry about their existence going forward particularly. I also figured Soc Services would have them well under control to amke sure they behaved themselves now I am having a major worry about it all  .


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't think there would be anything gained from removing yourself from ********.  It's easier to keep track on whether anyone else posts pictures if you use ******** in my opinion.

We have all our security settings private and post the occasional picture, but don't let anyone else post pictures.  You also have the option to set up a closed invite only group on ******** and post pictures on there.  I don't have occasional acquaintances on my friends list, only people I know well. 

Having said that, my M-I-L has just put up some photos on ******** of our daughter without asking me.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Seriously, I don't think you can upload any pic to the internet and rely on it being totally private, even if it's on a closed group.  Will check with DH to be sure. xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

No, you're right, you can't. Nothing is completely secure. Once it's out there, it's possible to get it, but with the resources available to most birth parents, I personally think it's unlikely. I don't _think_ anyone will look for Wyxling anyway, at least not hard enough to find her, but I'm not so sure about Bladelet.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Wyxie said:


> No, you're right, you can't. Nothing is completely secure. Once it's out there, it's possible to get it, but with the resources available to most birth parents, I personally think it's unlikely. I don't _think_ anyone will look for Wyxling anyway, at least not hard enough to find her, but I'm not so sure about Bladelet.


I agree, most BP's probably don't have the resources. You do have to consider so much though don't you, much more now than perhaps 15 years ago. Scary! My SIL said we'd be the killjoys at all the school plays, saying we didn't want it video'd. I doubt by then it would be such of an issue but if I have to I will say no. I'm starting to feel the Mommy Bear syndrome already. I feel it for my dogs, for my child... well, see me in full mommy bear mode and tell me you wouldn't think twice about putting my cub in danger...


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I've been a primary school teacher but I don't care what inconvenience it causes. Our children WILL NOT be videoed, photoed and places on the internet in any capacity. I am going to have a blanket rule about this. No pictures will be placed on ** by anyone (unless they want to face me when incredibly angry - I am a very calm caring person but if you push me past a point god help you.) 

I am going to have a policy of only very close family and friends are allowed to take photos. Me and DH have discussed this and know how hard it will be to control but it should be manageable for at least the first couple of years. I figure that if we limit who has photos of them it will limit who can put them places. We have already discussed ** a little with close family and they fully understand. 

It will be hard at the start but it will get easier. I'm going to say their SW insists on it so we aren't the bad guys. In time people will just say to each other - oh you can't photo them because SW says so. Also I'll just shout them over to me and go to the toilet or something when photos are taken and others who we are close to have said they will help out with this approach of just trying to move them away. This way we'll only have to discuss it as a last resort. 

The other thing is ** technically owns any photo you upload and can do what they wish with it if you read the small print. 

Don't know how it will work in reality but it will because I'll make it our LO's safety will come before upsetting others. 

My profile I have changed my name so it isn't my real surname, I am unsearchable, my profile pic and that other pic is animals or landscapes not me. I have done this purposely in advance to protect the best I can. 

Such a vital interesting thread ladies thank you x x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

HSDad and I are taking the reverse action. We are hoping for a match with direct contact. Certainly, I would like to share plenty of photographs and details. It is important that the birth parents stop fantasising about these children (and vice versa). Avoiding the difficult feelings (grief, longing) will only make it harder. I understand that there are real safety issues for many children which won't fit with our plans, but we are looking at old children who have relationships with their birth parents. Good and bad. 

As semi-professional photographers and artists, we are also highly visual people. Plus all of my family is abroad and sharing on ******** is how they communicate. I cannot imagine a life where I needed to keep my children hidden. I feel so sad just thinking of it. The SWers know this up front, though. I don't foresee it being a problem. We will see what happens when we are matched, but this is what we are hoping for.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Wow
certainly eye opening! Thanks for this thread it is an
education x x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Handstitchedmum said:


> HSDad and I are taking the reverse action. We are hoping for a match with direct contact. Certainly, I would like to share plenty of photographs and details. It is important that the birth parents stop fantasising about these children (and vice versa). Avoiding the difficult feelings (grief, longing) will only make it harder. I understand that there are real safety issues for many children which won't fit with our plans, but we are looking at old children who have relationships with their birth parents. Good and bad.


This is our feeling, although in our case little boy did not have a residential relationship with his birth family for a significant length of time "in person", he will ALWAYS have a relationship with them, whether he has lived with them or not.

I know that some adopters dream of a match where they cannot have any contact with the birth family. I have heard people say this. We are not about to become ** friends with BF but we wanted a match where we could have some contact and a genuine relationship, where little boy could learn just how complicated and unreliable some members of his birth family can be.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

For me my feelings about ** would have stood for bio or adopted kids. I am not judging anyone all my friends and family put loads of photos up of their kids all the time. For me I just think I wouldn't start passing my holiday pictures to the strangers on the next table in a cafe. ** is basically doing this on a way bigger level. Even though my settings are as secure as you can make them as soon as a friend of mine comments on something then their friends can see it as this just drip feeds like a chain. 

I will stay on to monitor others. I don't have issues with talking about BF and having whatever contact is best for LO however I want this will be done in an appropriate and structured way. Not via ** potentially without me being aware because its a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend things are being seen through.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

TheSpouses, you have written a bit about contact on your blog and I found it a very useful model to emulate.  HSDad and I considered adopting in the US and may still in the future (especially if we ever move there). I have learned never to write things off completely! It is reassuring to know that our idea of contact can work in practice even with very young children.

I agree with you, Gwyneth, that ******** has security issues even without adoption-related concerns. I suggest other photo communities which have more security, but even then it isn't perfect. My mum is a stickler for privacy and doesn't even use a picture of herself on ********. I must have a bit of that, as I am looking away in my picture! 

I remember what I was like at 14 online, and I dread to think what my child would do with that freedom.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Aww thank you! There is probably more between the lines that I don't say on the blog too...


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Handstitchedmum said:


> I remember what I was like at 14 online, and I dread to think what my child would do with that freedom.


Me too. I think in this day and age if our children want to try and find their birth mother as young adolescents they probably will, and I would be much happier for them to do it with me by their side than on their own on the internet. I would be much more concerned if they wanted to find birth fathers and I'm not sure how I would handle that if they did decide to try.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

gwyneth27 said:


> Even though my settings are as secure as you can make them as soon as a friend of mine comments on something then their friends can see it as this just drip feeds like a chain.


That isn't actually the case. If you set things up so just friends can see if, then someone commenting will not put it onto their ******** for their friends to read.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

gwyneth27 said:


> For me my feelings about ** would have stood for bio or adopted kids. I am not judging anyone all my friends and family put loads of photos up of their kids all the time. For me I just think I wouldn't start passing my holiday pictures to the strangers on the next table in a cafe. ** is basically doing this on a way bigger level.


i agree. i dont mind a few pics and the odd funny child related update, but some people i know post about their kids. all. the. time. as it eight statuses a day all about their child.

not only is it crushing child-itis, its not like the child has elected to be there, have they?


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## Tessa 123 (Jan 18, 2013)

We too have found both bm and bf on ******** each have littler ones name added to there profile with a pic of little one as their profile pics. I was thinking of asking SW what there thought of this but wasn't sure how SW would react. I was worried SW may think we shouldn't be searching for birth parents in first place. I think I will mention it now though.

Good point about the people you may know friend request.  Think I may block them both too.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Just found some resources which may be helpful for some of you.

Firstly a book that you can get from BAAF called Facing up to ******** http://www.baaf.org.uk/bookshop/book_fufa and a leaflet also from BAAF called Social Networking and You http://www.baaf.org.uk/bookshop/book_snay (I can't find these on Amazon, so expect BAAF to be the cheapest place to get them).

I also stumbled upon a webpage from Dorset Council entitled Adoption and Social Networking which provides a list of resources http://www.dorsetforyou.com/403593

and finally the Online Safety Services from the South West Grid for Learning which can help Parents, Schools and Young People. http://www.swgfl.org.uk/safe


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## Anthony Reid (Jan 1, 2002)

Excellent research pauliboo - thanks


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Paul legendary as always. You always provide useful links and information will look at all that once I am on the computer not phone x x


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