# Friends that don't seem to care unless you have a child.



## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

Has anyone else had experience with this... friends that don't seem to give a damn about you because you don't have children like them?

I have or should I say had, a good friend that I used to work with so I saw her everyday. We were very close, shared all of our problems etc, I helped to plan her wedding with her and traveled to her home town where she was getting married. She has always known about my fertility problems and for some reason she suspected that she had fertility issues. (She never had any tests to say this but just had "one of those feelings". She is also a few years older than me so felt like her biological clock was ticking).
Then she got pregnant about 1 month after coming off the pill. She quit her job and decided to move back to her home town up North and although I hardly ever saw her we kept in contact as she was going to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. Whenever she would text it would be wedding related or "Are you pregnant yet" texts which drove me insane. I would always ignore these and focus on the wedding side. 
After my wedding last year, things changed a lot. It was as if she had nothing else to say to me other than "When are you going to have a baby", "Are you still going to the hospital", "You need to keep pushing at the hospital to have a baby", as if I needed reminding to attend hospital appointments or to continue going
In the end I got so annoyed, that the next time she texted to ask if I was pregnant or ask if any progress was made at the hospital, I told her that my DH and I were "taking a break to focus on ourselves" and were not going back to the hospital for a while (Total lie). After this, she no longer made contact with me again. I suppose I had nothing interesting to offer her now that her bridesmaid opportunity was over and the possibility of me having kids was not happening.
She contacted me once to say that she was pregnant with her second child but other than that there has been no contact, even on birthday's and anniversary's despite the fact that I still send her a card on her's and her 1st child's.
I've even seen her on ******** now trying to be friendly with an ex colleague of both of our's, as this lady has just had a baby.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm no longer interested in her friendship and won't spend one second being upset over this situation, but was just wondering if anyone had had a similar experience of people turning away from them because they don't have children?


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Hopeful87

I have experienced this with both friends that know of our problems and those that don't,

I guess that there is a theory that we all change throughout our lives and that some friends aren't meant to be a part of our lives forever.

One of my friends had a baby the day I began bleeding during my first cycle of ICSI which was a chemical pregnancy, this friend knows that we have issues but I'm not sure she understands what and why as she was very wrapped up in being pregnant when we found out so probably wasn't really paying attention, I have found it hard to see her since then, especially as I went on to have another chemical three months later, so still haven't seen the baby. They live quite a way away and I don't think I could go alone and then drive home as I will be a complete mess, so need DH to come with me and scheduling has always been an issue.

We went to another friends babies dedication about two months ago and my other friend was supposed to be there but she couldn't make it in the end.

I have tried to contact her since but haven't head back from her and honestly feel like she is holding my reticence against me!

I truly hope that this isn't the case as we have been friends for nearly 20 years but if it is I will be better off without! 

We suffer enough with IF that if people can't be there for us whatever then cut them lose and don't look back!

Rely on the people that are there for you Hun they are the only people that matter!

Pudding
X


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## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

Hi Pudding, Thanks for your reply.

I completely agree with your theory that some people are really not meant to make it any further into our lives.
So sorry to hear about your friend problems and the chemical pregnancies. I hope you are ok? I really hope that your friend is not holding anything against you. I find it unreal how people just don't seem to understand infertility issues.

One thing I am glad about though is how people with similar issues all seem to support each other through the tough times  xx


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## Snave78 (Aug 16, 2013)

I was once told that friends are linked to you by something, some friends are linked by elastic, you pull, they pull its the same both ways, other friends are linked by heavy chains and it literally can get you down to be with them. I often think about how i am linked to other people and whether i am in the right place mentally to see them! It might sound negative but not all relationships are equal and i think we beat ourselves up sometimes because we  havn't kept in touch, or we find seeing some people draining. 
Snave


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Pollywally

That is outrageous! your mum is just being a silly woman imagine if you said that to her over another older relative who had say a broken hip! Tell her that and see how she likes it!

Or tell herts up another chair, don't invite people over if they have to sit on the floor stupid!

Sorry that sounded rather harsh didn't it, it's just how i feel about these daft people and their idiotic ideas!

Your friend that didn't answer the door, you just need to let her go, she isn't worth your time or energy! Rude nasty ungrateful woman! What was thinking? letting you into her house would somehow spread IF to her? Or would you collapse and cry all over her baby? Uuuurrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh correction I was wrong she needs a slap first and then let her go!

I often think that perhaps you should show the replies you get from your FF to these idiots! Let them get some perspective, but they still probably wouldn't get it would they!

Lots of FF hugs to you!

Pudding
X


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## Pollywally (May 4, 2012)

Thanks Pudding, sometimes I think its me who is being unreasonable and overly sensitive - coming on here makes me feel like I am not going completely mad!

Thanks again xx


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## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

So sorry to hear this pollywally! That friend is not worth your time at all, it's her loss and she will probably be the one that needs you in the end.

I completely agree with you on the fact that as soon as people have a baby they think they are experts... if anything they know the least about infertility, they have just had a baby for god's sake!!
I cannot believe what your friend's husband said to you, what an insensitive fool!
It makes you wonder what these people would say if it was happening to them??!!

I can really relate to your posts, it's true what you that people's hurtful comments are one of the worst parts of infertility!! xx

Pudding34 i like your idea of showing people that makes stupid comments all the replies you get on FF, may have to try that one as well. xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Pollywally

You are definitely not going mad!

Hopeful87 is right your "friend" is the one that is losing out and will most probably be in a situation in the future when she needs you whether she realises it or not and you will be doing exactly what she did taking care of yourself as you should be!

Pudding
X


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## Cay23 (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi ladies, I really felt like I relate to this post at the moment. I had a friend who I've been friends with for at least 15 years. When we were both single, we would go out clubbing together. Then, 13 years ago, I met my DH, but she remained single or in and out of relationships and never really settled down. We always kept in contact and she has been very well aware of our IF struggles over the past 5.5yrs. 

Well, last year she finally met 'the' man (via a dating website) and within 4 months they bought a house together. Shortly after this she told me they were planning to get married at Christmas 2013. Then, in November DH and I had our 4th IVF cycle. It was particularly devastating as we had just 2 eggs and no fertilisation. My friend asked me about it via text and I told her and then in the next txt she told me she was pregnant. Talk about timing   I sent her a message back congratulating her, thanking her for telling me, explaining that our grief for the IVF was too fresh at the moment but wishing her all the best. We had no more contact until Christmas when I sent her and the partner a card, but didn't receive one back. Then fast forward to March, my birthday. Out of the blue she texts me to wish me a happy birthday. I just replied with thank you. 

All this time she's been posting baby pics on ** - pics of the newly washed baby clothes, the new pram, the nursery, a scan, her bump. She announced the sex and the name she's decided. She's become really pally with an old school friend with 2 kids of her own who has been to her scans with her. The other day she posted that there was only one person suitable to be the baby's godmother and that was this friend. I have looked but I haven't commented or 'liked'. I really feel, rightly or wrongly, frustrated. After all this time of her ***ing about with relationships while DH and I try to build a stable life on 13year old foundations she then gets so easily what we've longed for for most of our marriage, and so can't bring myself to coo over her scans, bump, pram etc...  

Well this week I go on there and find that she has defriended me.  (She has over 300 'friends' so it's definitely deliberate). This makes me feel really sad. We used to be such good mates and now it seems there's nothing there anymore. I have shed some tears over the loss of our friendship, and how quickly it has dissolved.   DH and I are due to cycle again starting next week and I don't want this shadow of sadness hanging over me.

I wonder whether maybe I should have put on a brave face and been more interested in her pregnancy? Maybe I should have 'liked' a few of her posts? I don't know. I'm at a loss of what to do to try to make the situation better. I've sent her a message saying I hope everything's ok, but she hasn't responded. I had been planning that when the baby's born I'd send her some flowers and a card. As it seems I probably won't hear about the birth now, I might send them anyway at the beginning of June, her due month, to wish her well with the birth. What more can I do?   Or should I just cut my losses and, very sadly, see it as the end of what was once a great friendship?

Thanks for listening to the rant ladies   xx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi cay, its such a sad situation but a friendship is a two way street, don't chase it if you are getting nothing back. Save your money on the flowers and card.


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## Look on the bright side (Jan 11, 2014)

Hey Cay23, 
So sorry to read your post, I hope you are ok? It sounds like you have been through a lot with this friend and you don't deserve it. tI definitely sounds like you did enough in the friendship and this friend seems to be having a bit of a nasty streak. 
I agree with alotbsl, save your money and treat yourself instead of the friend.

Hopeful x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi Cay, 

Ask yourself 2 questions:
1. How much do you value the friendship you had?
2. Are you really ready to give it up?

Sometimes people just don't 'think' your friend managed to get her happy ending after years of dating and it all seemed to happen very quickly; maybe things just created a bubble for her and she couldn't see past it. Also no newly pregnant woman wants to feel guilty about enjoying being pregnant - maybe she just didn't know how to handle the friendship and found it easier to distance herself.
Some people make rash decisions and can then be too scared or stubborn to fix things.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong but what you do is really up to how much you miss her. However I think a better gesture would be to write her a letter explaining everything instead of just flowers that doesn't actually address the problem.
If after that she still snubs you then I would wash your hands, you explained yourself, did everything you could. It's just a curve ball life throws sometimes.

Hope you're ok xxx


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