# When is the right time to stop treatment - advice please!



## Gol (Jan 14, 2008)

Hi there, I'm new to this site (well, all sites like this actually!).  Would love and appreciate some advice from anyone who's in or has been in a similar situation.  I'm 39, hubby 48.  He's got 2 grown up children from 1st marriage.  We've tried IVF twice (last one 18 months ago) without success.  Previously I had also tried numerous cycles of ICSI with a previous partner, again unsuccessfully.  Since the last unsuccessful IVF I am struggling to come to terms with not being able to have children  and my hubby and I are now discussing whether to try again once more.  Both previous IVF's were undertaken when I held a high profile, stressful job that involved alot of travel and a working week of about 70-80 hrs.  That's not good for anyone and I now run my own business from home - hence I am much more chilled out!

So, I'm now debating whether to go through IVF again or accept that babies are not for me (track record of being unsuccessful, our ages etc etc), and get on with accepting that and being happy as a couple (and we are extremely happy together).  Help!


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## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

hi gol welcome to FF. I am in a similar situation, i have had 6 ivf tx the last in nov using my wee sisters eggs. For 5 years i have ate and slept ivf, spent £26000 and have nothing but heartache and a sore bum to show for it. After the last tx i have been very down, but feeling much better now. But i am now at the angry stage all that money for nothing, when i was having the tx i never cared about it but i am now. I am also getting angry at the way i have put my whole life on hold for it. I actually just wrote on the donor egg site about how i feel. 
We are not rich people both nurses so you can understand.
Anway the point of the reply is i looked at DH who is a wonderful husband and thought god you would just let me do anything reg tx to make me happy, before tx we had a great life going out having dinner parties having the girls round, buying nice clothes. I am now at the stage i feel god this is not the end of the world i have a great life and all that really matters is me and DH, so i do have frozen embies, and i will use them up in april/may time but after that i am opting for living again. Life is to short and i want to now enjoy every minute of it.
I wish you well, and feel if you still have the need to do another tx you must, as it will always haunt you that you never, but i believe that one day all of us on FF do wake and and say enough is enough. but you will know when that day has came yourself.
Wish you all the luck in the world, have you looked at the reprofit international clinic in czech, they do donor eggs very cheap and the success they are having right now is totally amazing.
good luck kim xxxx
pm me if you like


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hi Gol

Welcome to our board. I know it is probably not where you want to be but hopefully we will be able to support you through this difficult time.

I am afraid that I can't give you the answer that you seek, coming to the end of ttc is very much a personal journey that we each have to take. I have found that only you can know what is right for you and dh - it is about weighing up the emotional, physical and usually financial toll that another cycle will take on you both against the knowledge that you did everything that you could and will therefore be satisfied that you can move on.

Making the decision to move on is of course not as simple as drawing a line and just getting on with it, it is a time of mourning for what we had hoped out lives would be and finding peace with what our lives will become.

I am sorry that you find yourself having to make these kinds of decisions but I hope that you will find your way. 

Please know that we are here for you as you go through this.  

Love

VT
x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Gol, I think buster said it all. One day you just get sick of it. Other times a long break is needed. Ultimately your instincts will tell you what you want to do so rest up for a bit and try and listen to them. I'm afraid it really is not a question we can answer for you but like Buster says, at some point you have to start living again.

Buster, you sound so brave and have endured a lot in the last 14 years, well done you for being inspiring to us to appreciate what we have.

xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Gol,

Stopping treatment while it is sitll on offer is a really tough decision! 

My own experierience is that I needed to know I had tried every rational option before i could move on. Even then it was tough.

I would suggest a really frank discussion with the consultant on how likely TX  is to succeed before you make a final decision. It may well be that with your stress managed, you have a good chance, on the otherhand age and other factors may be against you. I guess you will need to consider why you could not have children with your previous partner, nor are having any luck with this one who has children already.

Whatever you decide, it is good to know that you have a strong annd happy relaionship.That will sustain you through the way ahead.

If you decide to move on without more tx, we on this board are here to support you, we will still be here if you need us in the longer term

LoL jq


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there and welcome Gol and B24

Like the other ladies have said, it's different for all of us, some try everything available, some don't - I fall into the latter category as I deeply resented the whole experience from start to finish. I think somewhere inside you do know when it's game over and when you can face another go (B24 spending £26k, I'm not surprised you feel angry).

The only thing I wanted to add that there's a lot of scientific stuff out there Gol suggesting that whilst stress no doubt adds to the misery of IVF, it doesn't actually have a great deal of effect on the outcome (no doubt others will disagree!).

Anyway,  I wish you both luck and invite you to hang around for as long as it works for you.

flipper


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## Gol (Jan 14, 2008)

Thanks to everyone who took time out to respond - all of your comments have been really helpful - it's very comforting to know I'm not alone in this!  Some of your stories are both inspirational and heartbreaking at the same time and I truly appreciate you sharing them with me.  So, we've decided to speak to our original fertility consultant for an honest viewpoint from him, and will then make a decision on trying again or not.  I'll keep you posted!
Gol


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## Fluffy Bunny (Dec 6, 2005)

Hello I to am in a bit of a similar situation, I am 40 hubby 30, but we have no children.  I would like to have another go at IVF but hubby has different ideas to me.  He says that we got further on our own without medical intervention. he thinks its a waste of 5-6k for another possible failure.  After trying since 2004, the only time we got anywhere was when I had completley changed my outlook and wanted a break from "trying" and mentally tried to stop with cycle of torment will I get pregnant this month ?, sounds stupid but it must have worked as I got pregnant, although I did miscarry, we were told by Barts in London, it would be virtually impossible for us to have a child on our own !!!! Shows how wrong they can be.  Good luck in your choice of decision, remember never give up hope, I'm not


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Hi Gol, welcome to the forum.  You've asked one of the biggest questions in this whole infertility nightmare! Like Yamoona said, one day you do just get sick of it. For me, although I'm 36 and unexplained, and could therefore spend the next 10 years and thousands of pounds on IVF, after our last IVF cycle, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. Having said that, it was still an enormous dicision to finally make.

I also really wanted to say a little word on the concept of "giving up" trying for a baby, and the people in your life who may tell you "don't give up". No offence to anyone, but that really gets my goat. It's not about _giving up_, it's about _stopping treatment _ and getting on with your life. I spent 5 of the best years of my life injecting drugs, having probes shoved into me and crying in a dark room. Yeah, I could do that for another 10 years, and maybe get a baby at the end of it, but lets face it - I probably wouldn't. This way, I get to spend what's left of my youth having some semblance of a life!

.


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Fluffy bunny - Barts would say that wouldn't they (!) I sometimes think that IVF was a waste of time for me and dh - our best successes happened naturally and I never responded well to the drugs they use. It is different for each of us - we all have our limits and I guess we don't know what they are a the start. But if I could go back in time I don't think I'd have bothered with IVF (easy to say, I know).
I admire you emmag for taking control back of your life. And I agree - it is not 'giving up'. If anything it is the opposite. It takes great courage to let go and face an unconventional future. 
Bernie xxx


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