# made-by-m/ summer08/ nikkic123



## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

How are we all doing today?? Still obsessing over every twinge and ache!!

I just wish I could do to sleep and not wake up until Wednesday morning when I can do my test!!


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi Flossy,

Thanks for setting this up for us!!  I did another test this am and another BFN ... why am I doing this to myself?  I'm so depressed I can't concentrate on work at all ... haven't done a single thing this morning, yet!

How are you doing??

Nikki


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Yep I did a test this morning too! BFN ofcourse! Although there is still hope - 2 more days is a long time..... im sooo hoping it will be different.... although I feel crap today and have strong feelings that im going to come on...

1st day back at work today after 2 weeks off - its dreadful - the thought of going back with a baby in tow and maternity leave to look forward to kept me going - now it seems like theres nothing - just crap work for god knows how much longer!!! I want to tell my bosses to naff off!! At home for lunch at the mo and sooo dont want to go back!!

Come on Wednesday - bloody hurry up!


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

I can't believe you tested too! We're such gluttons for punishment!

I'm cramping really hard now and sure that AF is right around the corner. I wish she'd just hurry up and get here so I can open a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows.

I was pinning all my hopes on this, so don't know what the hell to do next. We have savings which will cover another round of treatment, however that money was supposed to be for security for our future (and future children) and it just seems crazy to bring a child into the world with no money in the bank or in loads of debt from all the treatment (especially since I'm self-employed and won't get maternity pay). I don't know how people do it.

You've already had a few goes, haven't you? How have you funded yours? Will you go again if it is a BFN?

Nikki xx
_*gagging for a glass / bottle / crate of wine *_


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Well we have a bottle of champagne in the fridge - if its good news wednesday my hubby is getting drunk and if its bad news we both are! Im really missing a glass of wine though!!

BUT WE CANT GIVE UP HOPE FOR THIS TIME UNTIL WE TEST OFFICIALLY!! Theres some great links about hcg amounts - its in the ladies in 2ww section at the top - OHSS/ HCG etc... have a look... says if you test 2 days early theres about a 12% chance it could be wrong! Lets cling onto that 12% as its not much more than the % that the treatment will work anyway!! And one of them shows the highest and lowest hcg levels that have resulted in pregnancies the various days before - maybe ours just isnt strong enough yet!

Well we went through a natural cycle - bascially they scan you to watch your one egg then try to collect just that one (they do the collection without any pain relief!!) It cost £1000 and you get 3 attempts at egg collection. Unfortunately (or fortunately as I wouldnt have been allowd pain relief!) each of the 3 times when I went in for collection they had missed it and I had already ovulated... Very frustrating as I was telling them I was about to ovulate from signs I get (and seeings as as charted every twinge/ sign for the last 3 years I should know my body!!) Anyway my lovely dad for that attempt for us...

2nd attempt we funded ourselves - cost £3000 in total but was on a very low dose of FSH (150).. All went on a credit card!!

This time we had a guardian angel looking after us... My dads partners best friend (who ive never met) was very ill. She wanted some of her savings to go towards our treatment - so she gave us £4000.. How amazing is that.. Unfortunately she passed away the day before I started my treatment.... But what a truely lovely person... Im banking on her and my mum in heaven performing a miracle for me!! This one totalled £5500 so we had to fund the other £1500 - again the credit cards got a bashing!!

Its so scary as we are in a hell of a lot of debt already.. and we just dont know how much more we can manage - but how can we give up trying for a baby!! Its so hard...

Our free NHS go should be coming up in July next year - but there is no way I could wait nearly a whole year for another try - I would go crazy - even madder then I am now!!

SO LETS HOPE IT WORKS THIS TIME FOR US BOTH AND WE DONT HAVE TO SHELL OUT ANY MORE MONEY!!


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

I'm so glad I'm not the only one missing a drink!  I wish I'd thought of that champagne idea - I suppose there's still time, although I associate champers with good news and don't know if I'll be able to drink it if it's definitely negative.

Your story about the lady who gave you money for this treatment is truly amazing - I'm such a cynic, and didn't think people that nice existed.  Now I'm doubly hopeful for you to get your BFP as that would be a fabulous thing to happen in her memory.  I'm sorry you've lost your mum, too.  Why is it that us ladies going through IF always seem to have the highest pile of crap dumped on us?

I've had another BFN this morning.  I had a bit of a crying fit yesterday, but now I just feel kind of numb, like I'm just going through the motions.  I've been researching all the HCG levels too, and I know there is a little bit of hope there, if we're at the bottom end of the scale.  In fact I've cultivated this theory that pee sticks just don't work for me ... I used OPK's for a while, while TTC naturally all those many moons ago, and never once got a positive.  In fact that's what prompted me to see the doc about possible infertility in the first place.  I had all the tests and it showed I was ovulating, however I never got a positive test.  Maybe I'm just one of those people whose pee doesn't work properly ;-)  Any old line to get through the day, right?  I wish my clinic did blood tests, but apparently not ...

Have you tested today?  What tests are you using, by the way?  I'm using some eBay cheapies, although they're supposed to be really sensitive and the same ones used by the NHS, I think I'm going to pop out and get a Clearblue or First Response for my test tomorrow morning, just to be completely sure.

Anyway, less than 24 hours to go.  I just hope I can make it without jumping off the nearest cliff.

Take care

Nikki x


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Just goes to show there are some wonderful people out there - just look at us!! Would be amazing if it worked in her honour..

Im using clearblue to test (clininc told me not to use the digital one though as may give wrong result - dont know why)...
But in the past ive used the cheap ones from the internet that are super duper sensitive ones for detecting ovulation but never ever got a show to say id ovulated, even when I knew I had from other signs - so maybe they are rubbish! Get yourself a clearblue one and good luck!!

I feel tearful too.. run myself a bath last night with caribean spa music/ candles/ bubbles.... to try and relax... ending up spending the whole 45 mins in there crying!!

Ive resisted testing this morning - although today really feel like I will come on tomorrow - the usual back ache/ headache/ AF pains..

Arggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

I feel your "Arggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

Yes, I will definitely get a Clearblue (or 2) for tomorrow - I decided to "use up" my internet ones and have just done another test just now.  Negative again of course.  I still feel the imminent arrival of AF, too - I'm getting sore "down there" from all the wiping and poking (sorry TMI!) to see if there's any blood, but not a smidge yet.  I've read that some people have AF delayed by up to 6 weeks from using the pessaries - I definitely won't be able to handle that, as I won't give up 100% until I bleed.

I've had a couple of responses to my other post asking about people not getting positive HPT's despite being definitely pregnant, and that's stretching out my hope a little bit.  I've also got a couple of other wacky theories that make perfect sense to me (but are probably complete Bo**ocks!), but those stark white HPT's seem to be giving me a very clear message.

Anyway, I will go again with my ClearBlue(s) tomorrow - I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight ...

Nikki x


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Hi girlies 

Just thought I would join your thread to say I know what you are going through - Im testing tomorrow so we are testing the same day - its the first time I have ever taken a pregnancy test!!  Second treatment but first one didn't get to ET so this 2ww has been a real roller coaster and I've experienced emotions I didn't even know existed. Im so fearful of tomorrow I've not even bought the pregnancy test - I need to go out and get one - how opposite have I been - I think they call it self defence in case of a negative result. 

Millie
xx


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Welcome Millie,

Wow, you've never done an HPT?  I must have done hundreds over the years while we were TTC naturally (and spent a small fortune, which is why I've resorted to internet cheapies mainly in the past couple of years).  Sorry you didn't get to ET first time, but here's hoping that this one is it for you!  

Have you had any symptoms or anything?  What's your general feeling?  As you can see, Flossy and I are both leaning towards negative ... :-(

Let's hope we all get to report surprise BFP's tomorrow, though!  

Nikki x


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Millie - well lets hope that tomorrow brings BFP's for us all!!!!!! And our other tests have been wrong!!!

Cant believe you've resisted the urge to test - very strong willed!!! Sorry about the 1st cycle...

Nikki - yep get the clearblue..

Well girlies heres a big wish that tomorrow we all get BFP - Come on the positive vibes!!


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Do you know what girlies I just don't know - I've almost not tested today coz Im worried about what it will bring - Im pushing towards negative of course as I think that's the way we defend our emotions but having never done a pregnancy test and never having been pregnant I wouldn't know the symptoms if it walloped me in the face.  I've been very hot the last few nights and I am getting stabbing pains rather than AF symptoms today but nothing to write home about - other than got the wet knicker feeling (soz TMI) feeling today keep having to do the knicker check - tonight I am just now thinking what if - coz I don't think I've thought about the possibility of it being positive - as you can see the head is a wee bit jumbled to say the least.  Well I've bought the test now - so at least I've got that far.  I see that you say the pessaries can delay your AF by 6 weeks - I was thinking that I've done well just not to get the AF so maybe Im doing the false hope bit - god Im rambling - Im off out for a bit - before I drive myself mad lol. 

M
xx


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## Blythe (Jul 16, 2008)

Good luck to everyone who is testing tomorrow. Did you have your ET on Fri or Sat?

My test day is Thursday, however I have had a show since yesterday.  And now it is turning redder so I think it's game-over again.

I have not tested at all and held off although the temptation has been very strong.  Instead I have just eaten chocolate (which is a bit strange for me).

Going to bed now with the sure feeling that I am now going to have to tell a handful of people that it hasn't worked.  Everyone disappointed and upset again then!!  And all my DH can say is we'll try again next time - god, he makes it all sound so simple - when you end up feeling s**t all the time from either drugs, stress, lack of sleep etc.

It's official I'm on a downer!!

Tomorrow's another day though.
M
x


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Sorry, I've posted this exact same message in another thread, but I can't write 2 different ones right now

Negative.

I feel like my world is over.  I knew this was coming as I've been testing every day since Sunday, but you always hold out a tiny bit of hope, as long as AF doesn't show, which she hasn't.  I feel numb, I haven't even been able to cry this morning, I just keep staring off into space like a crazy person.  The most heartbreaking thing was DH - he's not one to show his emotions, but I can see that he wanted to cry but was holding it in for me, he was actually sick twice this morning.  I feel like such a failure, I feel empty, I feel like there's no hope for the future and all the plans and dreams we had have been shattered.  I feel bitter and angry, I feel like I can't face anyone or accomplish anything.

I'm sorry for the rant, and I know there are so many of you out there who have been through the same.  This place is my rock and without it I don't know how I would make it through the day.

So, I've got to make the phonecall I hoped I never would - call the Chaucer and tell them it's negative.  Another hour before I can call and all I can do is sit here and wait.

OK, so now I'm crying - I don't know if I'll be able to stop.

Nikki


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Hi Nikki,

I know that this is of no help but I also got a BFN this morning - and feeling what you feel.  My OH burst into tears and is very upset but Im a bit like you just totally numb.  I haven't got my AF either yet - but have left a message at the clinic.  Its the first time we ever got this far and this process all seems so cruel.

Thinking about you today and sending you a big  .

M
Xxx


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Oh Millie,

I'm so sorry you're in the same boat.  This is just all so painful and I don't know how we're supposed to get through it.  

A big   back to you - at least we're not going through this alone, it's so comforting knowing other people are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time, even though it's so heartbreaking and completely unfair that any of us should have to endure this.

Flossy, please, please give us some good news and some hope for our own futures.

Nikki x


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Aye I am just like you thinking why oh why - will it ever work - will it ever be okay. Today I am going to just be kind to myself and I am going to keep an eye on my OH - his reaction was not what I expected - he's been so logical throughout the process that I foolishly didn't think it had affected as badly as his reaction this morning. 

Im really thinking of you - this feels raw VERY raw. 

M
xx


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Girls

I too got a BFN today - utterly devastated and feeling everything you describe, the anger, the sense of failure .....  

Just wanted to let you know I am here too  

TLZ x


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Oh TLZ - Im so sorry - its really hard today - I think go with the flow of how you are feeling indugle in a good cry and give ourselves time to regroup - sening you a huge  .  Shame we are all not round the corner from each other we could have had a get together and just kept passing the tissues around.  This feels just awful. 

M
x


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Thankyou  

Just knowing that you all understand is a help ... 

I feel so sick in my stomach just thinking about our BFN ....

Thinking of you all today  

TLZ xx


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Oh God, such a tragic day,

TLZ another   for you.  I can't believe this is happening to us all.

I've had a lot of BFN's, but after tx like this, it really is the most awful


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

My God, what a tragic day.

TLZ, I'm so sorry you're going through the same. Here's a  for you too.

Millie, I'm also worried about my DH. I feel bad that all this time I've just been thinking _I've_ been going through this, and not really thinking about how it's affecting him.

Raw is the right word - I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest and I have a big gapng wound ...


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Yes you are right about the OH - his reaction upset me more than the negative - he has been very supportive as best as he could have but I didn't realise he'd taken it onboard so much - he's a big burly bloke and to see him cry has really touched a raw nerve - don't feel guilty - remember you are both in this together and if they hadn't had a reaction we may have thought they didn't care - so they wouldn't have been able to win either way.

Yep the heart rip out part is about right and now the clinic are asking me to go and get the negative result again - this feels just awful!

M
xx


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

I know it must feel awful going for another test, but to be honest, I wish my clinic did that ... it puts the _maybes_ out of your head, and I know I'm going to be thinking "maybe" until AF shows. I just want it over with now, I don't want any niggles in the back of my mind, I want to be able to get on with my life.

I'm worried that we haven't heard from Flossy - I'm hoping that she got her BFP and is worried about posting her good news here. If that's the case, hun, don't be - I'm hoping at least one person gets the news they wanted today.

xx


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Yes me too about Flossy - if she has a BFP then it would be great to have some good news today.  Look after you selves today TLZ and Nikki IM thinking about you both.  

M
xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Ladies I don't mean to intrude as I don't normally post over here - but reading your pain i felt I had to offer some support and strength!  It really has been an awful month and really only fellow cyclers can empathise with your suffering.      
I wish your pain is eased and your relationships grow - in the mean time take care,   and give yourself time to mourn and recover.
Thinking of you all X


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Thank you Scouse, that means a lot    

Hope you girls are doing ok .... I'm finding the letting everyone know part the hardest  

Love to you all

TLZ xx


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Girls I feel totally devestated for you all - its total ****e...

I feel awaful writing this but on my test this morning was a very faint line - went to the clinic and had blood test - they confirmed I am pregnant - I am over the moon but still feeling horrible for you all with your negatives - I know how I felt last time....


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Congratulations Flossy !

Enjoy it ... you have worked hard for this and it is your time  

Our times will come ... be sure of that

Take care and look after your precious cargo  

TLZ x


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## d-miccy (Aug 2, 2008)

Flossy! I was so worried bout you today and kept checking on to see if you had posted!

That's fantastic news on a day when everybody needed it!  I am so genuinely happy for you!



Wait a min,, just realised something, Flossy did you test negative on Monday but positive today may bring some hope to those who have tested bfn early..


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Flossy Im over the moon for you - it just goes to show it can work - enjoy your fantastic news.  I've just come back from the Clinic to await a phone call in the next hour to say that its negative again lol - but Im going to have another go at ICSI - so I aint at the end of the road yet your post gives me hope that this can work. 

Well done you!!!

M
xx


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## NikkiC123 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi all,

Sorry I've been quiet since this morning.  Next door are having building work and the noise was driving me round the bend, so just when I wanted to curl up on the couch with the laptop and stay on FF all day, I had to get out of here.

Flossy   - I can't believe it, I'm so happy for you!  I'm so glad one of us got the news we wanted.

Millie, keep us posted with your blood result.  I wish I could have a blood test ...

Nikki x


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## millie34 (May 8, 2006)

Still waiting Nikki and I dont think it will change a thing other than me gaining a £46.00 bill   I will hear by the end of play today - so just waiting for the call.  They said as I didn't use a early response but a first day period due one - that it may have some bearing but very unlikely.  Downside the woman taking the blood missed the first two times - so I have battered arms!  I just want to move on today and just take some time with OH to regroup - we've been through alot already this year - and as we have just said we are going to allow some time to be very disappointed and then regroup and get back on the horse so to speak it just wasn't our time this time.  But that doesn't mean it is never not going to work for us.  You wanna chat Nikki PM me - around most of the time as I work from home anyway and am always on the PC!

M
x


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## Flossy Teacake (Mar 26, 2008)

Yes I got BFN when I tested on Monday so just goes to show - the line today was very faint but the blood came back quite strong....

Again - thinking of you girls that had bad news...

x x x


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## Blythe (Jul 16, 2008)

Congratulations to Flossy - you must be over the moon.  

Still hope for all of us.

I have been bleeding now for 2 days but nothing heavy.  I just know it hasn't worked though.  I am going to ring the Clinic tomorrow to see if it's worth doing a test (I have held off until now) and see what they say.

I am also numb, angry, dispondant and I cannot be bothered to tell people because yet again everyone will be upset, but I know they will all be waiting for news tomorrow.  Thank goodness for all you girls though.  Maybe I will not tell them next time.

Think we plan to go on holiday now as I have become paranoid about flying and TTC!!

Hope we can all rest tonight

M
x


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