# From 0 children to 2 children!



## Iman

Hi ladies and gents

We have just put forward as part of our HS, that we are willing to consider 1 or 2 children , under the age of 3. 

We have thoughts long and hard about this, if we could cope with 2 children (siblings) the pros and cons and I am excited about the prospect of the possibility of 2 children, though equally loving the idea of 1. 

However cos I am a worry-wart, and because I will be primary child carer once DH goes back to work, I am a little bit anxious about going from having no children right now, to having 2!!!! 

Please can you tell me your pearls of wisdom, thoughts, experiences if you have been through this, tips, advice, etc etc about the transition to suddenly being  a parent of two and how this has been for you or things I should consider or would help me or the children, especially in the beginning to help us all bond as we get to know one another. 

We are predicted to be at Approval Panel in April btw.

Thank you ,

xxx


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## keemjay

this thread might help you 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=194918.0

kj x


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## crusoe

Hi Iman

Your post struck a chord with me as we originally wanted to be approved for 2 children but close to approval changed to just 1.
This has absolutely been the right decision for us as we have found the transition from being just us a couple to being parents very, very tough. As much as we desperately wanted our family and are so fortunate to have our wonderful son, both my DH and I have gone through a grieving process for our old lives - just having the freedom to do what we wanted when we wanted etc etc.
I also found being a mummy so much more exhausting than I had expected and I simply don't think I would have had the energy, time or patience to cope with 2 children at the same time.
It also of course depends on the situation of the child - our ds didn't cope with change well and needed lots and lots of support early on. He also had some other issues that although now much improved were very challenging early on. These coupled with the demands of another child would have frankly finished me off.
At this stage we haven't totally ruled out adopting again but I am personally very glad we have approached things as we have. I know couples who have adopted 2 or more children who have coped brilliantly and have loved their new lifes from the start but for me it took a very long time to get used to.
Sorry this is very rushed ds wants me .... please pm if you want to chat further.
Good luck with your decision making and with getting approved.
Love Crusoe
xxx


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## keemjay

i realise that link was only relevent in the early part as it took a different path but the first posts were along the right lines  i just posted it quickly as i was in a hurry...
as i said on the other thread my placement was a bit different as i had an 8 month gap between placements..for which i was grateful..I'm not sure if i could have done 2 at one time, but there agin I would prob have coped  but as far as having siblings (as appose to adopting 2 children separately) the pros are

1.them having the same background so  when discussing adoption i can talk to both at the same time and tie the stories together..littlie sometimes ask babybro if he remembers being at FC and tells him she used to give him a bottle, i love to hear them at this young age being able to chat about it. I think it would be harder for them to have separate stories and harder for me to talk about together

and 2.they will always have a bond, they may not necesasarily get on at points but at least they have someone from their family close by them..i didnt place so  much importance on this when we were going through the adoption process but now they are here in the flesh i sometimes look at their little faces and worry how they will cope with their story later on and feel so so pleased they will always have eachother..

i would say experience would be very beneficial for having 2 chidren, its a right old juggle balancing life and children, its a lot easier if you kinda know what a 3 yr olds needs are or a toddlers needs..so i would say get as much as you possibly can..it will take a lot of the stress away esp during intros and in the early stages after the placement which are the most stressful times

hope that helps, i think i said everything else on the other thread!

kj x


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## wynnster

Hiya

We were in the same position, originally considering a sibling pair aged 0-3 but when discussing things with our SW we realised that this wasn't what we really wanted   so we were approved for one and obviously matched with DS.  
Now when I look back I am so very glad we were only placed with one child, it can be tough going when you're a new parent, especially a new parent to a child who may be unsettled and confused.  With one child you have the time to dedicate to solely them and their needs.

KJ's raised some very interesting points and in the future her children with have something alot of our children without blood siblings wont have and I guess that will make all the hard early years well well worth it.  

But If you were matched with 1 child you could then be approached later to take any new siblings if they come along too  

As KJ suggests I'd try and get as much experience of childcare as possible so you know what to expect and try to gain experience of young siblings 

xx


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## Old Timer

Hi

We wanted siblings when we started out for very much the reasons KJ has said, however our LA had no sibling groups 0-4 for nearly a year so the fact we were willing to consider 1 child was good and we were matched with DS.  In hindsight I am glad we went for the 1 child and were able to give him all our attention and this helped with the attachment and settling in process.  If we'd had 2 together we would have no doubt coped, we'd have had to, but it was so exhausting and hard going especially in the early months of placement.

We are now going through HS again for another child and am amazed at how quick and easy the HS is this time round!  We may have a longer wait after approval but getting to panel will have only been 4 months from starting HS.  

Good luck
OT x


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## Camly

hiya

we were also approved for 1 or 2 children under 4. i was just about to type that i wasnt sure if i could cope with 2 under 3, but my girls are 2 and 3 so i must be coping?!!?   hahahaaa (there are 14 months between our 2).  when we were 'waiting' ss said there were no siblings so we may have to look at single children. i felt abit    about this as we had said we would always prefer siblings. but then when we reassessed we thought that yes, it may be better for just 1.  we have had our girls since nov and its only just now that i feel that its quite hard going?    someone earlier had mentioned grieving for their life before kids, and i think thats hit the nail on the head! its such a big life changing experience and again, someone had mentioned how unprepared u really are for this huge change. i have 2 step kids who we only get at holidays so i thought that i would have a rough idea what it would be like.............BIG SHOCK!!! nothing can prepare u!!!!! its not just being new to a parent, but all the other added pressures that go with life in general. sorry, im kinda rambling...  i think what im trying to say is that i wouldnt change our new life for all the tea in china but its hard with 2 kids at once...but then sometimes its easier as they have each other.  

sorry, i dont think i have been any help here at all!   i think that whatever decision/choice u make, will be the right one for you.  best of luck    x x x x  x  x x xx x


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## ritzi

we had two under 3 too  

and both mine have special needs - the truth is you cope because you have to......though if we could do it all again i would request to have dizzy first for 3-6 months alone then have scoop join him   it is very hard work. 

i do think there are pro's and con's but we wanted an instant family, which is why ultimately 2 worked for us

hth, ritz


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## Iman

Hiya everyone

Thanks so much for all your replies. really given me food for thought.

I think there def seems to be pros and cons with having one and having two. We have a big support network, lots of friends and family which is fantastic, including lots with children under the age of 3 as well. 

I know its gonna be hard work, I know its gonna be a shock no matter how much I prepare and I'll probaly cry with tiredness in the first few weeks! But I kind of think that them having one another to grow up with as siblings and share memories and that connection with one another. Alternatively if there is only one of them then it maybe that we can give them more attention - hmm don't know!!

I guess will keep pondering about it, ultimately we have said 1 OR 2 so will see what happens once  we have been through Panel in a couple of months time!! i kind of feel its alot about fate after that stage as there's no way of knowing how long will wait for a match  or what kind of children will be available!! Time will tell........

Keep coming with the comments please as they are all def helping me to learn lots!! xxxx


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## keemjay

what i didnt say before that i think theres a sort of fatalistic angle to look at too..we said 1 or 2 chidren but when pressed i couldnt say which i wanted more, i really felt and still do feel that fate would bring the right family, and whether that was 1 or 2 only time would tell. For us it turned out to be 2, in 2 doses, and they were absolutely the right match for us..i think others would prob tell you the same...

kj x


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## Iman

Thanks Keemjay, yeah thats what I kind of think. We saw ages ago a little boy in CWW but were were at beginning of HS and there was no way we could have him - he now appears to have been snapped up cos I havent seen him since. That was fate, he was gorgeous but not for us - I mean it just depends doesn't it, who is available once we are available!!


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## naoise

HI Iman, I don't post here very often usually busy but I pop on now and again to see how everybody is doing. We adopted three sibling girls almost three years ago at the ages of 2,3 and 4. It was a bit like having three elephants moving in. We found it very tough to go from having no kids to three in the space of two months as they staggered them in. Looking back and reading the diaries that I kept then I wonder how on earth I did it. It wasn't soo bad for my dh as he went to work, I was with the girls all day and they were very attention seeking with all the bad behaviour that goes with that. My oldest was the hardest to deal with and at times now is very hard work she is now 7 but behaves like a 17 year old. But saying all that I wouldn't change it for the world now. I'm not saying it isn't hard work by golly it really is. But the girls have really settled down into our routine and family it is like they have always been here. I would recommend sibling adoption but be warned it is not for the faint hearted. I hope that you find this a little bit helpful as I think it is great that you are considering two children as most people just want one.

Love k


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## keemjay

Iman i was thinking of you yesterday..i was  thinking how weekends just arent weekends anymore, they are just a re-run of weekdays but with dh here..in the past i used to think of all the lovely family things one could do at the weekends with children and imagined all these happy families smiling through a family breakfast,  snuggling up by the fire and doing amazing things with other families, all those romantic visions of parenting one has 
..well we do snuggle up and we do do fun things sometimes but more often its just ordinary stuff like going  out for a walk and a coffee, we garden alot (when its not pi$$ing down ) and sometimes meet up with other families and their little ones but not often as many of our friends have older ones and you wouldnt believe the clubs and whatnot they do all weekend long so no time to play with us and our littlies...

ANYWAY i thought of you because i spent yesterday morning variously jumping in and out of  blue and green sarongs pretending we were at the seaside,being attacked by a pretend shark in said sea, eating wooden picnics and repeatedly being put to bed in a toddler bed and having the curtains shut and told to sleep as it was naptime, then being 'woken up' with a loud tambourine..in between sorting out quarrels, changing nappies,sorting washing, tidying up breakfast (which on weekends is actually done by only one of us so the other gets a lie in) The only downtime i get each week is my lie in, sometimes an hour in the week if they both nap together...even if i get Littlie off to stay with my Mum i stilll have babybro...its harder to get someone to look after 2 small ones..and being late to parenthood means grandparenst are older and not so up to the job of caring for littlies, certainly mum my finds my 2 a handful together, she is nearly 70 
I'm not sure what my piont is but just wanted to share..you asked for experiences and  as i was tucked up in my DD's tiny bed i thought it was something that might help 

kj x


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## Camly

KJ u hit the nail on the head when u described 'weekends'!    i actually laughed out loud!    some weekends im glad dh is here (so i can go to bed for an hour or so!!! and then its like a tag team   )  

iman - im sure whether its a single child or siblings that it would be hard work. i was thinking about u the other night and as giggler was in bed early (playing up!) we just had smiler. i aksed my dh (who has 2 birth children) if he thought it would have been easier with just the 1 girl.....he said prob not!   u will manage with either scernario im sure.  

x x x x x x


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## Old Timer

KJ am envious of your lie-in!  I am always awake before DH so he gets the lie-ins and I get up with DS, I'm normally in bed just after 9pm then as just too tired to stay up, even at weekends!!

From talking to a friend of mine who has adopted a sibling group of 2 there are pros and cons to both.  She gets a bit more time to do things as the children 'entertain' each other whereas a single child only has you but then you get the sibling squabbles, a single child just squabbles with Mum!

Either way, its hard work and nothing can prepare you for how your life is going to change.  You need to be honest about what you can deal with and stick to it, don't say yes to things because you think your SW thinks you should, at the end of the day you are the one going to be looking after the children for years and years to come.  Two children with few issues could be easier than one child with lots of issues.

Good luck, whatever you do you will cope and get through the harder times and the smiles and cuddles and 'I love you Mummy' is all worth it.

OT x


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## Guest

We went from 0 to 3 in one go.

Saying that we had got to know them beforehand as their respite foster carers, but it was still a shock when it was suddenly 24/7.  We survived he first year, although only just....I'm not sure I would recommend three at once as they all need so much input and ours didn't even have complex needs.  

Saying that they get a lot from being together and supporting each other and nearly two years on I wouldn't change a thing.  

Hope you can make the right decision for you

Bop


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