# Feeling sad and a little bit lost



## linzyj (Jul 8, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to get it out of my system how I'm feeling today as feeling a bit lost and alone. 
Brief history - ttc for almost 4 years. Tests have shown dh has low sperm count and Im basically not ovulating as i should. Baby will not be impossible but we may need some help. Have recently been approved for 1 cycle of IVF on nhs.
I haven't been feeling myself for a few weeks now and Ithink it's come to a head today. Not been sleeping to well and just feel exhausted all the time. I feel irritable and snappy - also happy one minute then feeling so low the next. I should be happy and grateful that we have been given funding. I just seem to find myself worrying all the time about what if the 1st attempt at ivf  doesn't work? What if my eggs aren't any good? Why should we even need ivf in the 1st place - it's so unfair! Etc, etc...
I can't concentrate on anyhing properly. I break down in tears for no reason. I actually got up this morning and went through my normal routine. Waved off hubby as he went to work. Then suddenly in tears about nothing in particular. I've had to have today off work as I was in such a state.
There are numerous new parents at work proudly showing off pics of there little ones or pregnant ladies walking around. I feel genuinely happy for them but deep down inside I feel so jealous and a little bit bitter that it's not me doing that. Which then leads to feeling immensely guilty that I feel that towards them. Even my friends who tell lovely stories about there kids I'm starting to resent in a small way. I then feel like the worst person in the world for feeling that way towards them. I shouldn't feel this way at all but I don't know how to stop it either. 
I don't know how to reach out for help as I feel the gp  or family /friends would just think I'm being a drama queen. I do feel this way myself sometimes as I think we're lucky to have each other the hubby and I.  We have a good life. There are people in the world going through a lot lot worse. Really don't know where to go from here. Just wanted to get it out. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
Xxx


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## NatW (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Linzij, I didn't want to read and run.

First of all big   

I would just like to say, everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. The jealousy, the bitterness, the sadness, the unfairness of the whole situation. TTC is like grieving, but unfortunately it's a never ending grieving as you don't know when you will have your baby, if at all.

You are doing the right thing by recognising your feelings though and try not to let them take over your life. Have you considered counselling? I know some ladies really benefit from it. Or if you have a friend you can talk to about it. How is your husband with it all? Can you discuss your feelings with him?

I'm sorry you've only been funded for one NHS treatment. It's immensely unfair. However, there are lots of people on here who got their BFP with their first treatment cycle, so please try not to lose hope before you've started. Also, have you looked into other options if this shouldn't work? You may get frozen embryos and FET is a lot cheaper than IVF. There is also egg share and the option of going abroad can often be cheaper than staying in the UK.

You are in the right place for support though, being here. All the ladies I have spoken with have been tremendously supportive and it helps to talk to people who have been going through the same thing. I think realising you're not alone is a big first step.

Best of luck to you for everything 
Nat
xx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Dear Linzij

Those feelings all sound really normal to me. It's a terrible amount of pressure to be under, and it's also very hard to see it coming so easy to those around you. I am one of those it came easily to first time, but sadly that led to secondary infertility. I hope yours is a slow start, and then speeds up! 

It's normal to feel jealous. It's a symptom of a sort of grieving. You obviously realise that it's not ideal to feel this way - so don't beat yourself up! I would suggest that you might be a little depressed? Have you spoken to your GP? If there is anything I can advise - get yourself mentally and physically in the right space before embarking on IVF. There are 'safe' anti depressants you can take, if it comes to it. Eat well, take care of yourself. Talk your feelings out - maybe a support group? 

And of course, we're always here)

Hope you feel better soon

R xxx


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## linzyj (Jul 8, 2013)

Thanks both so much for taking the time to comment.
It helps knowing I'm not completely alone. 

Some days I feel fine and can handle most situations well but today I just had an overwhelming feeling not to want to leave the house or even see anyone.

My hubby is amazing.  I know he's suffering too so he knows how I feel. I sometimes don't want to talk to him about how I'm feeling on particular days though as I don't want to make him feel worse. 

We're so grateful for 1 cycle of IVF so can't complain about that. I just worry a bit too much already about what if it doesn't work - what then? I know we'd manage and find an alternative approach to having a baby. Most days I'm ok wit this way of thinking but today the thoughts just seem to have gotten a bit much and taken over.

It was awful calling my boss this morning and trying to explain what was wrong without there being anything physically wrong with me. She's been amazing though and she knows the situation I'm in which is good. It's still hard to try and explain why I'm unable to go into work.

I feel slightly better being able to say these things without being judged in here. If I tried to explain to anyone who has kids or hasn't been through this sort of situation about how my heart breaks with stories people tell about there children, people showing off scan photos or parading there baby bump around. I'd be labelled as unfair as well as some other not so plesant terms which in a way I am being. I don't want people to tread on eggshells around me or worry I'm going to have a breakdown If they whip out a picture of there kids or something. I don't expect people to act differently or hide things like this from me either. I just really wished I didn't feel this way. I'm genuinely happy for them which after reading that it doesn't like it but I am. 

I just feel a bit fake sometimes having to plaster on a smile and act as everythings fine and laugh and joke when all I want to do is cry. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions it's unbelievable!!! Who knew one second you could be so happy and the next feel like you could just crawl back into bed and stay there forever. It's exhausting switching between these feelings. 

Like I said most days I'm fine and will carry on as normal and can have positive thoughts about everyhing we've been through already and will be going through in the future but then there's days like today when I literally can't seem to function properly. 

I'm so grateful for places like this where I can say what I feel without being criticised or made to feel like a horrible person. 

Love to anyone reading this who might be feeling the same way. 

Xxx


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## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

Hey linzyj! You are certainly not alone, every single emotion you have expressed is echoed by most of the other people on this site, or has been at some time or another. 

The jealously etc is completely normal, there are some really good posts on here abt out that sort of thing. And the braking down in tears for no reason is inevitable in a situation where- let's face it, we really have no control! 

I was in a similar place to you emotionally when I joined this forum and it has helped so much reading other peoples stories and understanding that I'm not alone - even though it feels like you are and you are the only person in the WORLD without a baby!  

Hope your day got better. Do keep us up to date with your journey. 

We are also only allowed one cycle of ivf on NHS in our borough. Would love to hear how you get on. 

Take care
Xxx


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Hi linzyj,

Your last post in particular resonated so much with me - I could have written every word of that. I've only been on the TTC journey for just over a year (15 cycles) but it really hurts so I can't imagine the emotional torment after four years. Last week I found out that we had failed again and it took me five days to get myself more or less together but even now, I don't feel like myself. 

It is completely normal to feel this way and I'm so pleased your hubby is supportive. I'm also pleased that your boss is supportive too - tomorrow morning I'll be telling my boss that I am going to be having fertility treatment and I am praying she is just as supportive as yours. I am sure she will be but I'm so nervous. My close colleague has just announced her pregnancy to our boss and soon she will be going to a wider circle with it and I am very scared as I don't know how I will cope with seeing her bump every day. It was also an accident which rubs it in a bit, although she does know what the 2ww is like at least.

I'm trying my hardest to come to terms with the word 'infertile', but I'm finding it very tough. I know that there is still time for me to get a BFP (I'm 33 and turn 34 in November) but it's not that easy, is it? Even though we'll probably be referred for IUI first, I still have the same worries of "what if this doesn't work? what if IVF doesn't work? what if nothing works? what if I'm a lost cause?" - people who I have confided in who try to be helpful are simply telling me to change my outlook on life, not to stress, to give up alcohol ... I gently tell them that if my tubes are bent out of shape then all the relaxing and healthy eating in the world will do absolutely zip. 

I am also telling people who ask me that I have fertility problems (within reason). I don't believe there is as much awareness as there should be surrounding infertility - I didn't realise how difficult it was until we started TTC and realising that there was a problem. If I had known sooner that it actually wasn't that easy then we would've tried earlier and would've been referred for help.

Sorry - I kind of hijacked there. But I just wanted to say that I know what you are feeling and I am so sorry you have had to go through this for four years. I hope you know that you are completely normal in how you feel. Sending loads of hugs to you.

V. Xxx


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## linzyj (Jul 8, 2013)

Thanks dancingdreamer and violeta. 

It is a relief in a way to hear stories like yours - I wished you didn't feel the way you do believe me ans its so unfair we have to go through this but it's nice to know I'm not alone. And also that my feelings aren't irrational and unfair to others like I sometimes feel. 

Violeta - I so hope your boss is understanding with you. It takes the pressure off a little knowing that if you have to go down the iui/ivf route, that any time you have to have odd for appointments etc will be fine.

I also know how you feel about the baby bumps too. There's a girl at work who's just started showing and every time she walks past its torture. There's also a couple of new dad's talking about the joys of having a new baby which makes my heart ache for my hubby and I know he'd be exactly like that. We also have the people who's kids have just started school so now seems like a good opportunity for them to try for another baby. Im happy for them but I just want to scream how unfair it is that they already have 1!! Totally irrational and unfair to them i know but its how I feel sometimes.

It still makes me angry now when people tell me I "just need to relax a bit and it will happen"!! I understand people are trying to be helpful and I think sometimes they don't know what to say but that just makes me see red! God knows how relaxing will help a low sperm count and ovulation problems. 

I'm glad me and the hubby didn't start trying before we did as we've managed to get married and get the house how we want it, go on holidays etc. I know that when we are lucky enough there won't be anything I regret not doing while we had the chance. But part of me does wish we knew before somehow that there was a problem as it's been a long process to get to where we are at and I'm not getting any younger (me 29 and hubby 33). 

It's been so helpful today speaking on here and getting replies like both of yours. Makes me feel not so alone. 

Sending lots of hugs to you both. Let us know how you get on with your journeys too.

Xxxxxxx


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