# 2nd IVF BFN



## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Hi girls.

I've had my 2nd IVF BFN today. I started bleeding on Friday, just the same timing as last time. It is strange - in some ways I am better than last time. I went in to work today (I work in a women's hospital, so pregnant women SMOKING    seemed to be everywhere) I was in tears before I got out of the lift). Last time I had to have a few days off as I couldn't stop crying. I feel a bit numb and then suddenly I am sobbing uncontrollably, but only for a minute or two. I feel the depths of despair and loss. I know we will try again, but I don't know how we will get the strength together to do it again. I wish I knew why this isn't working. We have unexplained IF, so there are no answers to anything. Follow-up not until 16th Feb, which seems a lifetime away. It all just seems so unfair ( now I sound like a sulky teenager). I hope you won't mind this me post. Any suggestions for how to get through this awful time?

Love and   
from Kitykat


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## Nicky1 ☺ ☺ (Jul 9, 2004)

Aww Kitykat, I'm so sorry to hear of your -ve  
I really hope the 16th comes round really quick for you Hun and that they can try another way of making things work for you.

Lots of HUgs  
Nicky x x x


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Kitykat

I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that it didn't work out for you - and your post really struck a chord with me. After 2 recent failed cycles, I too have wondered why each time, and though you prepare yourself for the possibility it might not work, nothing prepares you for the crushing disappointment when it doesn't. And its not just that, its the fear of having to face it all again, or get off the rollercoaster - which are equally frightening prospects.

After each failed cycle I have cried a lot (usually at inconvienient times and places), and I tend to 'hole up' a bit, and avoid certain people and social situations. I talk to close friends about it, drink wine, eat chocolate and enjoy my husband and try and generate a plan of action for next time.

This is a gruelling journey. No one can tell you how long it will take, but it WILL, one day be worth it.

Hun xx


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi kitykat sorry it was a BFN

I hope the 16th comes round quick for u

Kate xx​


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Kyticat, 
I am so sorry that you had a confirmed BFN. This is such a rollercoaster and speaking from my own BFN experience 3 months ago, I'd say it is a good thing to cry and let the emotions out . Once I had my review I was feeling better as I felt we were going forward again and the consultant will have I am sure ideas as to what to do for your next treatment and try maybe different drugs. 
Have you done some Acupuncture? it helps a lot with relaxation stress and fertility. 
Take care,
Future Mummy


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Thanks Hun, Future Mummy and Kate,

It is so nice of you to write back. I feel a bit alone - my mum and dad have gone abroad for six weeks and my next door neighbour has gone hame to South Africa for 2 weeks. It just seems like people think I should be OK now. People who have not been here just don't get it. 

Why can't I look after my embies? The whole job has been done for me and I can't even get that bit right. I sometimes really hate it that my body doesn't do this properly. 

Future Mummy - I tried acupuncture with both my cycles and it did really relax me, but it didn't help with the final outcome. I won't do it again next time. My DH met a reflexologist on a plane a few weeks ago, so might try that. It helped to have something to occupy me. 

I do feel more positive this afternoon - who knows how long it will last - there are always down days, hours and minutes on this journey even when positive mood predominates and those moments when you think you are fine and the littlest, most unexpected comment, question or picture just catches you out.

I will keep going on this journey - it is just hard not knowing where it will end.

Love from Kitykat
XX


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Kitykat- just wanted to let you know that you aren't going through this alone. We're all on here taking the journey with you; we get it and will do all we can to help. The only thing that lessens the pain is time and even then it resurfaces at the most inopportune moments. Here for you anytime you want to cry, rant, rave or need a 'me' moment.

Take care of yourself (& DH)

Maz


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

kitykat,

just wanted to say how sorry i was to read this.

and yet, despite your sad news, you still came over to give me advice and support for my consultation.

i appreciate that so much. thank you.

so sorry for you bfn.

rosie xx


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Dear Rosie and Maz,

Thanks for posting - feeling a bit stonger again today. Just really tired and still have that dragging heavy sensation in my pelvis as if my ovaries are still big. I thought they would have shrunk away now that A/F has gone away. Woke up in a big sweat last night - I hope it is just the hormones going away. Scared I am menopausal. Has anyone else had this after a BFN?

Will try again and wishing for follow up on 16th Feb.

Love Kitykat
XXX


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

hi kitykat
so sorry for your news. i know just how you feel i had a 2nd bfn in nov and still feel completely devastated. I haven't been able to bare to post or look at this site for a couple on months and can't begin to think of where to go next. As you say the thought of either option giving up or trying again is just unthinkable....I wasn't too bad after my first failed cycle but now I just feel like a complete failure as my embie quality got worse...it is just too much to cope with. The first month after the BFN was worse for me and I hope you are feeling a bit better soon. Have you had your FSH measured this may give you some assurance over egg supply and make you feel a little less stressed. Wish I could offer you something more positive but I know how hard it is sweetie....at least you know that your not the only one feeling this way.
Take care and good luck
sugary.


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Hi Kitykat

3rd BFN for me too I'm afraid.

You probably aren't menopausal - things will get back to normal, but just to warn you my first natural period after a failed always takes ages to show (53 and 59 days the last couple of times) and I always worry about the same thing, buut then everyhting returns to normal and i go back to a being a 28 day kind of girl again.

Hope you are feeling a little better, this is a horrid place to be.

Hun xx


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

apparently the down regulation drug keeps you on the wrong side of 50 for quite some time. and sure enough i'm having hot flushes every morning.

it's a bit like insult to injury really isn't it!

bah!


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## shaz_ck (Oct 28, 2005)

Hi Kitykat,

Your post struck a cord with me also.  I had my first BFN 28th Dec after my first ICSI cycle.  Everything was going great, had 11 eggs, 10 ICSI, a 7 and 6 cell put back in, three frozen and then BFN right at the end of it.  I was devastated. I had coped really well with the tx itself.  No side effects etc. was really lucky.  I’m quite a strong person and did all my injections etc myself.  DH didn’t really have to do too much except turn up when he needed to produce his stuff.  So I was really shocked at how I felt.  I’m haven’t used the counselling on offer but am considering it.  Like you I would just burst into tears.  Also on the day we got our result we went to our neighbours for a drink to be told that they were 20 wks gone expecting their first child.

I know some people say that you should take a little time to get over it and let your body have a rest but I just wanted to get straight on with the next one.  My clinic said I just needed to have one natural cycle in between and then I could start again.  So we are all set to go on the 9th Feb and will be testing again the end of March.

Our consultant said that our tx actually went really well (not what we wanted to hear) and the fact that we produced such good embryos was a good thing and obviously the more goes you have the greater your chances of BFP are.

After all my ramblings I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.  The 16th Feb will come round in no time at all and then you can plan for whatever you decide is next.

Keep strong and positive.

Shaz


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Hi there,

Been to London today and saw "Avenue Q", which is pretty funny. Went for dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Life just carries on as normal and a small part of me is happy about that. It is nice to have G&T at the theatre, but I would love it if I could say, "No, not for me" and smile smugly. I am just chubby round the middle and rather quiet. I feel subdued, but life just goes on. Whyt can't it be our turn? DH just marches past the maternity clothes in Selfridges and I know it hurts him too. I am still surprisingly OK, but those sad thoughts just linger.....

Love Kitykat
XXXX


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## Nicky1 ☺ ☺ (Jul 9, 2004)

Ohh Kitykat, Those feelings you describe are soo true! Those sad thoughts do linger all the time, and sometimes hit you when you least expect it, Even more so after a recent negative cycle 
Things that you didn't seem to take too much notice of before almost seem lit up at times like these, Like the maternity clothes, The babies in the pushchairs being screamed at in the street, The shops that decide to have a `change round` and move the baby clothes right next to the front door so you have to walk right past them, The people who moan through their PG's like it's some kind of disease! I think I'm getting myself a little off track now but just want to let you know that your not alone Hun, We understand just how you are feeling and that it's times like this that we are here with those much needed cuddles  whenever you feel the need for one 

Lots of love
Nicky
x x x


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