# Am I mad



## Alph (Oct 9, 2008)

Hi ladies,

I wonder if you could advise me.  My SIL, and very good friend, sent me (what I think) is a difficult email yesterday.  Is my reply inappropriate?  She's 8 weeks pregnant with her third child, and has been very understanding of my difficulties in the past.  DH called her last night and told her that I wasn't coming to their parents' wedding anniversary because I don't want to see her.  She wrote (apologies this is translated):

I am not coming to visit you in October.
I feel (very) unwelcome.  I find it terrible how things are between us at the moment and find your attitude no basis for a weekend with you.

I hope that you get wisdom and space from somewhere to have a good look around you (at others and other things in life that having a child)

All the best,

I wrote the following back today:

I had a feeling that you weren’t coming in October after you hadn’t replied for so long, and that led me to presume that you were also pregnant. Many congratulations to you and P.  I understand that you had a reassuring scan last week, which must be a huge sigh of relief.  I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and enjoyable. 

I’m sorry that you feel this way and that, as you say, things are sh*tty between us.  I really don’t like your insinuation that I’m not aware of others and other things in my life.  I am.  M being my principal concern.  This year has been incredibly hard on us both, and we need to get through this.  I wish we weren’t going to India so soon but our flights are non-refundable, and there’s a lady there who’s on medication for us.  I have to prop him up everyday, despite being 5 secs away from meltdown myself. 

I’m sure you’ll understand that after 5 miscarriages in a year, it is difficult to see pregnancy bumps (especially when it’s of someone you are close to).  They make me cry.  It’s not lack of wisdom, it’s what many infertiles/recurrent miscarriers have.  It’s a self-protection thing.  I don’t expect you to understand this as you always had J, even when trying for no. 2.  As I’ve told you before, I do think ‘Why are they pregnant, and I have lupus?’  Not constructive thoughts, but understandable and rational.  I don’t resent you your happiness and children, you deserve them, and you are a fabulous mum.  It would just be hard to see your bump when we were pregnant at the same time, and your bump is growing and mine never will.   We’re not the right people to support each other at the moment, but I can’t wait to meet your baby and be friends with you again.  I hope you understand on some level.  

Thanks ladies.


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## babymithel (Oct 13, 2008)

I think you handled that perfectly.  

Dawn x


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

So do I.
Things like this happen to many of us, and it is hard.
Try and concentrate of whats about to happen, hopefully very soon you will have news to shout to everyone 

Take care and look after yourselves, you are number one at the moment.

love Jo
x x x


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## Alph (Oct 9, 2008)

Thank you ladies. I really appreciate that.  I've since had a long tirade back, basically telling me how to run my life and not to mess up DH's.  It was so lecturing.  It seems that I'm in big trouble for not having congratulated her immediately on her pregnancy.  This feels like such double standards as she didn't call me after any of my m/cs.  I started to write a reply but it was so angry, that I've decided to leave it for a while.  I just want to concentrate on DH at the moment.

Thanks so much.

Alph


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## babymithel (Oct 13, 2008)

you are right, probably best to let the situation calm down. Forget her and anyone else who's making trouble for you, concentrate your efforts on you and your DH.

Take care 
Dawn xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)




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## missmarple (Jul 23, 2009)

I think your reply back was superb, very eloquent and articulate. I once read that if you get angry in an argument the argument is lost. Don't reply at the moment, wait til you are calm and you can write an equally calm letter back. Good luck.


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## Alph (Oct 9, 2008)

Thank you so much.

It just got a whole lot worse... DH has decided to pull out 3 days before we were due to begin after speaking to his family.  I'm just devastated and can't seem to convince him that this is the only way I can have children.  There's such a difference to him whether I produce the blessed child or someone else gives birth to it.  He's right in that it's been an awful year.  Perhaps all he needs is time, but how much time do I have when I'm 34?  What's to say that he won't pull out again?  All the flights were booked, scans done, blood work, meds, travel insurance, hotels, deposits, etc...  My doctor in India says there's no problem with finding an Indian sperm donor, but if I did that then I would lose DH and be a single mum.  I would quite like to do it and freeze the embryos to give me some options for the future.  DH may still go out and freeze.  I just don't know which way to turn and can't believe that this journey can get any harder.  I've had ten m/c in four years.  What else do I have to go through to be a mum?  Perhaps I'm just not meant to be.

Sorry for rambling on.

Alph .


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## maymcg (Aug 26, 2009)

Hiya

Sorry to hear about your situation and i cant give any advice about DH but what i would say is definitely go and freeze those eggs. At 34 the eggs will still be good quality but leave it much longer and you could be struggling to get any good quality ones, i'm pretty sure at 35 the quality starts to decrease pretty rapidly.

At least if you do this then there is a good chance of it working and hopefully you wont need an egg donor/straight surro which could be a whole new kettle of fish for DH!

Good luck and i hope he comes round it maybe is just time. Do you know anyone who has/is undergoing surrogacy before that DH can talk to. I would be quite willing to do it but i am a surrogate and cant really give him an insight into what he would like to know.
Love
May
Xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Alph I am so sorry to hear your DH's reaction, maybe he needs time to come round.   I would freeze eggs maybe in the next year.

L x


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## missmarple (Jul 23, 2009)

Hi Alph - I froze embryos with my dh hen I was 34 and they may be our only chance of having a sibling for ds. Go ahead and freeze the eggs, as may says, they start to decline in quality after 35. I am so sorry about dh's reaction. I can understand it as my dh is similar though is in the end being flexible. Best of luck, let us know how you get on.


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## CarolynB (May 17, 2008)

Did not want to read and run.

   

You handled yourself very well with SIL.  Her reaction is inappropriate and hurtful.  I agree with others than people are just so unable to cope with our issues/problems.

I would be pratical and freeze while you can and time is on your side.

Sometimes the journey is just so hard and horrid.    Hoping that things will get better for you very soon.

Big hugs
Carolyn xxxx


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