# Diary of my thoughts



## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

I've decided to write here as my head is often full of thoughts & feelings I bottle up. I'm an emotional over thinker so try not to bombard my DH with all the contense of my mind plus I hope to write a book someday & thought I could keep a note here. I'm not looking for comments just need somewhere to 'mind-dump'!  I'm not going to go into our fertility journey as that's just not us now. We had our losses, fights and complications but now we are a very happy, tired, content family of 3 (which will extend in the future). I'm a stay at home mummy and have never missed a second of work in the slightest! This will be long but it's just me offloading my mind before I drive hubby crazy!
So my first thoughts are .....

It suddenly occurred to me whilst reading a parenting book that even at such a young age of coming home, blossom has some emotional scars of her past. I'd never thought this particular reaction was connected to her past, however after recently rereading her CPR (we are currently creating our own version of her life story book - which is that dreadful I'd need to start another thread!) but it dawned on me (coupled with what I'd read in parenting book) that my beautiful blossom's fear of sudden loud noises and her extreme worry & panic at an impending 'bang/pop' is more than likely due to what she was subjected to in the womb. This has filled me with a sadness I hadn't had before. I want to protect her and I couldn't. I wanted her to feel our gentle caresses whilst she was growing instead she felt her bf foot. I feel really effected by this, I know I can't do anything other than be there for her and reassure her. Part of the parenting book I was reading spoke in detail of the unborn baby hearing & feeling things from the outside world and I suppose I'd not really thought much about this.
I think perhaps I'd got caught up in our happy bubble & not given her history a thought for a while then it hits me & I feel powerless. 

Blossom has her challenging moments and at times I'm angry towards my friends who have had birth children & have no understanding of adoption. I'm angry because they won't ever question "is this normal" "would she do that if she was our birth child" "does she behave & react in that way because of 'them'  I also feel frightened of the future, our friends with bc will never have to discuss difficult histories, explain why that happened, they will never have a time of their child's life they have no experience of or blanks to try and explain. 

My other reoccurring thought is of a birth sibling. This is possible as blossom was far from the first to be removed, I have a fear we will get missed by SW (I have contacted them to re confirm our wishes). I've done my fair share of social media stalking including Google! Nothing has come up other than bp are still together. I feel a birth sibling would be perfect & worry I'll go through a grieving period when we start the process again for a non biological sibling. We plan on moving house this year so know there's no way they would place a birth sibling with us any way (although we've not sold ours yet so could stay if needed). I suppose what I'd love in an ideal world (I know that doesn't exist lol) would be to become all settled in our new home for a while, then just as we decide to begin the process for no 2 we get 'that call'. 

This seems like a negative post but I really wouldn't change a thing. I love my precious blossom more than I thought was possible, we quite often ask each other if our strength & passion for her is normal! 

We had an amazing day today out in the countryside feeding ducks & deer, climbing, running and getting stuck in mud. A day we thought we would never get.


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## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Well we're no where nearer a house move!   

But we are a week away from our 2 year home anniversary! Wow it feels like she has been here forever and yet I can recall the very first time we walked into FC home and saw our tiny, beautiful (yet bald!) perfect blossom sitting on her playmat, I cried as I was so overwhelmed at how small she was (had been told she was a big baby so geared myself up for some monster baby lol) she grated us with a little smile & seemed to recognise us - those intro materials really do work!
She's now 2.5 years old, going on 20! Has a wonderful head of amazing ringlets and melt the heart giggle. Remembering this time always gets tainted with the thoughts of bm. Does she remember dates & time? Is she sitting on her sofa remembering saying goodbye? Does she even think of blossom? I don't think we'll ever know as haven't had any response to letterbox & doubt we will. 
On this note I'm terrified blossom will go the same road as bm, she is strong willed and stubborn and has a strange & persistent need to see things to believe them.  Much more full on and intense than average toddlers the same age. (Previously worked with children) Its very difficult to explain but I worry that in the future when she learns the full story she will see it as exciting & want to try out that lifestyle. Hubby shares my worry and we've agreed when she's much older we will have to do research & show photos of the consequences. 

I'm probably half way through re writing blossoms life story book & am pleased with it so far. The one we had given was awful & we've been on training & found a very helpful book by Joy Rees so hope it provides much more reassurance than original one. 

Anyway we are high on emotions right now, thinking back to those early days & even the days when we thought we'd never have hand prints on the telly, drawing on the wall & toys in every corner of every room!  Our beautiful blossom really is ours forever & it is the most amazing, rewarding, joyful & precious privilege to be her mummy!


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