# Partnered friends with kids making me feel inferior



## Guest (Feb 28, 2012)

Hi All, 
Hope it's OK to start a new thread here, still finding my way round the site.

I've only recently committed to my decision to have a child as a single mother. I thought I was fine with it, as I feel happy about the prospect of having a child, but I had lunch with an old school friend today and have come away feeling very low. She had her 16 month old son with her and we talked about our lives and plans. She heard that I was considering having a child as a single mother and she wasn't unsupportive directly, she just started talking a lot about how hard it was for her and her husband, and how little sleep they got, and how she definitely couldn't have managed twins, even with two of them. And her son was babbling away noisily and throwing bits of food about and being a little kid and she was joking 'Are you sure you want one on your own??' I don't see her much, so her attitude won't affect my life too much but it's more that it tapped into my deep down fears that I won't cope. I believe I would cope, I am strong and resourceful and have a good family to help, but I also haven't been in that situation before and what if I DIDN'T cope? It's not like getting a puppy from the pound and taking it back if it's all too hard. I am looking at being 33 at least before I have a possibility of becoming pregnant, so I don't have plenty of time to look around for a partner and change my mind about the single parent route. And I haven't got a strong inclination to find a partner either, though it would be lovely.  But I still feel like the life my friend has is the 'right' way to do it. If you can't find a partner then don't have kids. That's not me speaking, it's me channeling the negative voices of the media and other people I know.  I guess what's upset me is that I feel like I'm inferior for not going down the 'proper' path of having kids as so many of my school friends have, and that they are somehow better than me. I am having counselling, which is a good thing, so I hope that these feelings will get worked through over the next 6 months or so. I guess the main worry I would have is that I would pass this inferiority complex on to my child, so they would feel ashamed of their origins and not proud of who they are. I want to feel like we both have as much right to be in the world, despite our family situation, as anyone else.  I'd like to pretend I already feel that but I'm still getting there.  I guess it's early days though, and I'm determined to make it work. Thanks.


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Hi Arran_Boat_Song and welcome to the boards! 

I am relatively new myself, too, however I really wanted to reply to you and tell you that I do not believe you are inferior to anyone at all. This is a choice you have chosen to make because you are strong and determined!

As for the worry of not being able to cope on your own, the way I see it is that new parents, single or coupled, have no idea what having a child entails. Either way you have to learn and adapt, so the fact that you will be having a baby on your own means nothing because you have nothing to compare it to. I am sure you will have lots of support otherwise, both physically and emotionally, from friends and family which you would also need if you had a partner.

Hang in there!


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## wehavethreecats (Feb 12, 2012)

Hi Arran-boat-song,
It's amazing how unthinking people can be isn't it... blithley making throw-away comments not recognising the pain and insecurities that they tap into.
There is no escaping from the social messages that are rammed down our throats all the time about what constitutes a proper/well-lived life; be it about having a partner or children or careers.  Good for you in knowing what you want and going for it.  You child will know that it was wanted and longed for, and that counts for a lot. In fact, i think that already makes you a blummin' good mother. 

Surround yourself with people on this forum who you know are going to understand where you are at. It's helped me feel much less isolated - especially when i have friends who make similar remarks to me even when i'm mid-IVF cycle. Gah! 

Be strong; and if you can't manage strong then get a list of put downs to throw back at people when you need to! (lol) 
Someone on here made a suggestion about responding to the knee jerk reaction when you say you've been trying for ages to get pregnant "Why don't you adopt then, instead of IVF" (like adopting and biological parenting are the same thing - gah). The put down? "oh, do you wish you'd done that instead of having your own biological children?".  It's mean, i know, i know... but sometimes i FEEL mean!

x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi there,

Firstly some big    for you - I remember these worries and fears only too well, and I think all of us who chose this path have experienced those sorts of comments from well meaning friends. 
I won't lie to you, it's tough having a child on your own, and it's particularly tough having twins. But it's tough having a child full stop, whether you are single or in a relationship. It's an amazing, overwhelming, terrifying, wonderful and utterly life changing experience. And yes, it can be hard doing it on your own, but you already know you can do it - you said it yourself you're strong, resourceful and best of all you have family support too (not that you can't do it without, but it def helps to have it   )
One of the biggest challenges couples face when having a child is having to re-evaluate their relationship - and I know only too well from friends and my NCT group that this can be very tough. When you are single you just have to worry about yourself and your baby. In a couple, you have to worry about your partner too which can cause stress. I'm not saying being single is the bettter way to go, just highlighting that the grass isn't always greener   
Not to mention that the women in many couples are in practical terms single parents much of the time anyway with their partners working long hours. 

I do know exactly how you feel about the media/society putting pressure on us to do things the 'right' way - ie meet love of life, marry, then have a family. But life doesn't always work out that way and there is absolutely NO evidence at all to suggest that the children of single mothers by choice suffer academically or socially or are any less happy/settled than other children. 

Hopefully your counselling will help you work through your worries and fears, and we are all here to back you up along the way   

Best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

ABS - Just wanted to strongly suggest that you physically meet up with some of the amazing women on this site.  I think that the theory of parenting alone is one thing; realising that this route has, and will be, taken by a number of normal, intelligent, caring, smart, funny women should help lift your spirits.  It has done mine. 

 
Maya


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## Guest (Feb 28, 2012)

Thanks a lot everyone. It really makes me feel good to hear other people supporting me and validating my ideas for the first time. I really appreciate it.
Pollita - Thanks, you're totally right about everyone having to learn how to parent, single or partnered, it's true, no-one's an instant expert whatever their set-up
Suitcase - Thanks for the realistic but positive comments. I don't mind tough, not when I've chosen it. I just find it hard when people suggest tough means 'impossible/don't do it.' And yeah, the side of this that appeals most is knowing that I can make decisions about my baby and our life, without having to worry about a partner and whether they will support my decisions. There's one less person to help out with the baby, but there's also one less person to consider/consult/worry/argue with. In that way I like the simplicity of it!
wehavethreecats - thanks for the vote of confidence!
Maya - I'd definitely like to meet up with people. Just got to move back to the UK first. Later this year!


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

I'm married so am coming at this from the other side.  I'd just like to say that being single does not make you inferior and being married with kids isnt necesarily easier than doing it alone.  As a married woman, I can honestly say I have all your fears... what if I cant do it?  And you know what, in the end I will do it, just as you will.
I have no family to help me, only my husband, quite literally no brothers sisters or cousins, or even close friends with children.  Theres just my mum and she is 74 and to be blunt, I wouldnt trust her now to look after a baby unsupervised, much as I love her.  So being married doesnt guarantee support or make you a super mum.
Actually, reading between the lines, I wonder if your friend is struggling a bit?  If she is having problems coping and finding it all a bit overwhelming, maybe thats why she's saying that to you?  If she is having problems it may be genuinely inconceivable to her that someone else could cope alone.
anyway, its late and I'm rambling, what I was trying to say is, you CAN do it!  How do I know?  Because it means so much to you, because you are strong, determined and because you have love to give.  So dont let anyone tell you no, just go and do it.


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

When people say to me "I don't know how you do it" I reply that in many ways I think it's easier.  You have mentioned some ways and so has Suitcase, but another way is that many women who are with the Dad (married or not) EXPECT the Dad to help, take his turn on nappy changes, night feeds etc and when they DON'T it can get stressful and lead to resentment.  When you KNOW that you are the only one there to get up in the night or change the particularly messy nappy, you just get on with it and there is no resentment because you knew all along you would have to do it all!   

I hope that makes sense, as KP says, it is late!   

The fact that you are thinking about this so much and seeking counselling is great.

Today I started chatting to an 82 yr old man...I don't usually tell strangers about my situation, but he told me all about his Mum (who in his words was "a bit of a girl") and the fact that he never knew his Dad and none of his family would ever talk about his Dad.  Years later as an adult he did some geneaology investigations and found out a little about his Dad, but still never met him.  Anyway, I told him then that i had used a sperm donor and that since he seemed to have turned out alright, my son would be okay too and he said "oh yes, he'll be fine"  It did make me laugh when he said "Didn't anyone fancy you then??"   My point is that women have been bringing up children single-handedly for centuries and they did ok! 

Take care
GIA Tooxxx


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hiya ABS!  Like most of the singlies, I know where you're coming from with the unhelpful comments from partnered friends with young children, but I think I agree with Klingon Princess - for me, the two friends who said the most "are you sure you want this?" and "you won't be able to cope" comments are the two of my friends who found it hardest to adjust to life with baby, and also who had never really felt that huge desire for a child beforehand either.  


I can't help yet with what it's actually like, that bit's in the near future for me, all being well, but what I can say is that for me the route to getting pregnant was NEVER doubt-free. I was always torturing myself with misgivings, worries about whether it was the right thing to do on your own, worries about whether I'd cope, whether I'd freak out if it ever actually worked etc... and the unhelpful comments from said friends fed into those doubts and at times upset me a lot. But since actually getting pregnant there hasn't been a moment of doubt about whether I want this.


As many of the others have said, lots of women in relationships have to do the practical bit on their own due to long working hours, and I've heard many say what GIAToo says about not feeling that resntment as you know it's all your job!


Good luck with it all, and we're all here when you need some support!


Minnie xx  ps GIAToo your story about the 82 year old has made me laugh!


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I always harp on about this but being on your own in life makes life hard anyway so couples who say they couldnt cope with child alone are comparing there life to suddenly being on there own and having a baby. Having a baby is completely life changing but as a single mum you will be comaring that to running you own life alone if that makes any sense. 

Personally and my LO is only 12 weeks old so early days i have not found it hard to cope generally although there are tough times. I only realise how much easyier it is with 2 people when i have someone to stay and im so grategul for an extra pair of hands.  I think also i was expecting it to be hard as before going down this route you do so much more thinking then most couples do. If you've not been around babies much id see if you could go stay with someone who has one for a day or so so you get to see what its really like- i am the last of my friends to have babies so i had heard all the horror stories before hand and to be honest have found it easyier than expected. ( was expecting it to be the impossible task though!)

I too have a friend who winges about her children and says what do you want one of those for and actually asked me the other day if i want to send it back yet !!!! i hate it- hated it more when i was struggling to conceive i wanted to scream at her and call her an ungrateful **** as you have two amazing children AND a husband. I know just accept thats the way she is.

Theres some upsides to going it alone- I reckon its much worse having a partner who doesnt help than not expecting anyone to help, no inlaws to argue with over grandchildren- i hear lots of this from mums  i meet now, no conflict in parenting choice. childrens names etc. Noone to argue with or treat you badly!

I have now realised that i still feel a little inferior as i dont have that happy relationship society expects and i still jeolous of people that do however i do not feel inferior as a mum- in fact i feel proud i can cope alone and everytime i here another mum talking and saying etc it was so bad i had to get hubby to do x y z i think well im coping better then ! I saw my bosses wife in town the other day who has baby little older than mune and we got chatting and i mentioned id had loads of bugs after having LO and she said oh no who looked after Lo when you were ill - she looked horrified when i said erm Me !That btw is the almost impossible hideously hard thing about going it alone ive found so far- being ill yourself and still having to look after the baby.


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## Guest (Feb 29, 2012)

morrigan said:


> I always harp on about this but being on your own in life makes life hard anyway so couples who say they couldnt cope with child alone are comparing there life to suddenly being on there own and having a baby. Having a baby is completely life changing but as a single mum you will be comaring that to running you own life alone if that makes any sense.


That makes total sense Morrigan. I kind of felt like that but then I thought maybe other people DO know best. But no, probably they don't when it comes to me and my (future) baby. And GIAToo, I like what you said about not feeling that resentment because there was NEVER anyone else supposed to help out. I am used to running my own life, and I potter along with varying degrees of effectiveness depending on the task at hand  But adding 'managing a partner' as well as a baby sounds like a tough gig to me, after years of going along by myself!....

Minnie - Thanks for the good thoughts there. Good to know you had all my worries but your cheerfully pregnant now! Good luck 

Thanks for the boost KP, that's the kind of support I need


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi, 

I just wanted to echo what everyone else said has said.  To be honest I expect parenting on your own is harder than parenting a couple but thats not very relevent.  We could sit here and say parenting in Russia (for a random example) is easier than parenitng in Britian but how many of us could or would want to move there? You work with what you have.

I find it very intresting that the two friends who are finding parenting really difficult (one of whom tried to talk me out of having children) said that the thing which is really hard for them is having no time alone with their partner.  It's something that's just not a worry for singles.


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughts Silverbird. The more I think about it the more there seems little point in 'asking' my partnered friends if they think I will manage being a single parent. The general response is based on their experience of being a couple, and is inevitably biaised....


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

My thoughts for what its worth.... there are so many different ways to be a family now.  I have a friend whose husband ran off when she was 8 months pregnant.  I have a friend who never knew her Dad because her mum had a one night stand who didn't stick around - they both (the friend and the mother) tell me they never missed what they didn't know.  I have a friend whose Dad is still around but he hates his dad because he (the Dad) was/is obsesed with money and made no effort to be a father when my friend was a child.....  So when I start torturing myself about being alone I think about how being in a couple or having a known Dad is not a guarantee of happiness.
Helps me anyway in times of doubt!
A x


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