# Dh anxious about adopting older kids...reassurance needed!



## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Hi I have just found your site and I am so glad I did. We are just starting out on the adoption journey and are due to go to our intro meeting in two weeks.

I work with children and have a much broader view than dh (my adopted mum was also a foster carer so I was used to kids coming in and out of the house). When dh and I discussed it I said I would be happy to take a sibling group of up to three kids, although I would prefer them to be at the younger age of the spectrum, definitely all under 8. Dh is not so sure and says that at the moment he thinks just one child as young as possible is the best idea. Thankfully he remains open minded and is happy to wait until he has been to the meeting and talked to the SW about this.

He came round to the idea when we were having fertility treatment that there was a chance of multiples and was fine about that. I think that basically he is just a little overwhelmed by the thought of having a ready made family, which might include slightly older children who have already formed their personalities and ideas. It really highlights the difference between us about exposure to kids. and I wondered how many other couples out there have gone through this and did you change your minds dramatically about ages and / or numbers of children between decided to start the journey and later on.

Anyway we are going to the meeting with open minds although I have warned him that he is not going to get a SW beating down our door clutching a newborn  lol.

I would love to hear other peoples stories as I think it would really help him to see that older kids are not so scary  but ultimately it has to be a decision that is right for both of us.


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Morgana

Welcome to the site, I'm not sure how much I can help with this one.  My DH and I have both had this discussion, we are going for two under 5's.  When we both started trying for a family I always wanted 3 children as I thought there was something a little too neat about having just 2.  Unfortunately I'm now a lot older and realise that I simply would not have the energy to take on 2 (sometimes I panic about having more than 1!  ).  Obviously one of the main advantages of having older children is the communication factor, a 7 year old will be a lot easier to ask What is wrong? than a 1 year old.  They will come with ready made personalities, but presumably you would find out if they were compatible personalities during the matching process.  The age of the prospective parents comes into the equation as well as generally the SW's don't like there to be too large an age  gap between the children and the parents.  

Have you had your preparation course yet?  There is a lot of information about the differing aspects of children at different ages.  Also there is a lot of literature available through associations like the BAAF (British Association of Adoption and Fostering).  Karen and I both read a good book called The Adoption Experience by Ann Morris. 

On a personal point of view we are going for younger children because of our age.  My DH and I are both 41, we will be in our 50's when our adopted children will be teenagers.  My neices are both teenagers and although I love them, it is not an easy age to deal with.  We decided we wanted a long time with out adopted children settling in before they reached the teenage stage.  Also I really like children between the ages of 1 and 4 and would not like to miss out on that age. 

My understanding is that in the future prospective adopters won't be tied down to ages. You will just be approved to be adoptive parents and can adopt children whatever their ages.  Unfortunately for us we have to be more specific.

Good luck with the process.

Cindy


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Morgana

When we first started we only wanted to go for one now and then another in about 2 years time (we were unrealistically aiming for babies )  Then when I spoke to social services they made the suggestion of going for a sibling group who hopefully would already have a bond with each other.  we then decided to go for two.  Dh was more keen on this idea than one at a time.

In terms of ages we decided to look at ages that would fit in with timings of events in our life .  Eg we got married in 1999 and did not start trying for 12 months, so initially we said two under 3's.  Later through the process we decided to change it to 2 under 4's to broaden our options and possiblility of getting matched quicker.  Dh also made the stipulation that he wanted at least one boy, although now we are matched to two girls and he couldn't be happier .

I am sure once you get more information and your dh has heard what other people who have adopted sibling groups have to say he might think about it differently.

Good luck
Karen x


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Thanks Cindy and Karen

I think you are right, we will wait until we get to the meeting next tuesday and hopefully Dh will get all his questions answered. I think he really just does not want to miss out on the baby bit where as I love kids when they get a bit more chunky and fun although it would be lovely to have a really young one. I guess that because I work with kids of all ages I am used to interacting with them at an age approprite level where as the only kids he's used to have grown up from babies around us so he knows them really well.

Anyway will keep you posted


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

i think we all go through this a bit. My dh initially said he would only want one baby. that was before we actually started the process. then it was him that suggested an upper age limit of five, and we are saying one or two. I would prefer two but we will see. obviously a little baby would be lovely but older kids have a lot to offer. we may even change our minds as things go on. I have a lot more attachments to kids than dh- i am a special needs teacher and have formed very close bonds with kids of all ages- i think this makes me more open to older ages than dh but i know he would be a great dad and bond with our kids no matter what. but we will go with what we are both happy with as i think we both need to be confident it can work.
hope that is helpful.
kylie


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