# Very down, what now?



## Sweets (Jun 28, 2006)

Hello

As you can see from my profile I'm currently coming to terms with a BFN.  I don't think I have either the emotional or physical strength to go through IVF again, even though looking to the future leaves me feeling really empty.  I found the whole process really difficult to bear.

I left my job in order to go through this second IVF attempt.  I wanted to leave anyway and it had become stressful so I don't regret that. But it does mean that I have very little in my life to take up my time at the moment as I wanted so much for my time to be taken up with being pregnant and looking after myself and planning for a baby.

I guess I'm posting because I want to let it out and share with people who might be able to relate.

I just don't know what to do now and am feeling a bit despairing.  I'm not sure that adoption is the route I want to go down although DP has suggested this. I am also fed up with how much time and energy the whole subject of infertility has taken from my life - firstly the effects of the shock of finding out that we were unable to have children naturally, then entering this new world of IVF and familiarising myself with all the new terms, processes and subsequent endless discussions with my partner, and then having to endure the drugs and the attendance at clinics and then the negative outcomes and the terrible rollercoaster of emotions.

Just feeling pretty down about it all.  And don't know how to progress life from here.

Thanks for reading.  Anyone relate?

Sweets


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## janeup (Jan 15, 2005)

Dear Sweets
first of all may I say how sorry I am to hear of your BFN.  Nobody can understand how truly dreadful this is unless they have been through the stresses of infertility.  We put our lives on hold to be parents, to give life and then all our dreams and hopes are thrown back at us.  I really hope you and your DH okay and can now spend time together to think of the future.  Big hugs to  you.
My dh and I tried for 6 years to have a child without any success. although i have plenty of eggs (very very low fsh levels and a good responder) they were just not good enough to try ivf with.  I have been going to a very reputable chinese doctor in camdem - acumedic, NW1 - dr lily - who is amazing and got my body into shape.  if I could turn back time I could have gone to her 4 or 5 years ago but I didn't.  Anyway, my DH and I are now having IVF with his sperm and a donor egg - so half our genetic make up. At first when the London consultant suggested this to  me i was appaulled. But now the reality is that I have a 60 - 90% chance via three cycles of success - of having a family with my dh who i adore.  The baby will grow inside me for 9 months and will be ours. I am so excited. we have gone to a clinic in Spain which is highly reputable and if you look on the treatment outside the UK thread you will find us all. good luck in what you choose to do.  I know I am fortunate to have a child by a previous relationship - she is 20 now - but I can honestly say, reading other experiences of what you are going through, there is another way.


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

I am so sorry you have to  deal with this 
I can relate to how you are feeling.

We have had 8 IVF attempts, sadly with no baby to show for it, so far.

I always say after a neg, never again, it is a dreadful feeling knowing the tx didn't work, but you need to have time to get over it, think what you want to do, and have some special time with your husband.

We thought we had finished our IVF treatment, and started the adoption route, it was going really well until my medical condition came up (multiple sclerosis), then it went really slow, and tests and more tests.

Then my SIL came to us and asked us to think about her being a surrogate for us , at first we said 'No thanks', but we thought about it, spoke about it, and then decided after lots of thinking and talking, is that we have a better chance of having OUR baby through this route.

I know I will never be pregnant, but the thought of holding my baby that my SIL has helped us have, just melts me.

Stay strong hun, and I really really hope something good happens.

Take care of each other

love Jo
x x x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Dear Sweets,

I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out for you and your DH     and I can quite understand how low you feel at this moment. Getting a BFN is so very hard not least because for most of us it's the closest we've ever been to being pregnant and having that taken away feels like the most cruel blow in the world. 

You really do need time to grieve for the loss you've suffered before you can decide what to do next. The treatment is tough and it does take it out of you both emotionally and physically, but as Janeup has already mentioned there are other options open to you if you still want to pursue having a family and DE does give a better chance of success. When you've had some time to recover you will be able to think clearer about what you want to do. I for one had serious doubts that I could face another IVF cycle but here I am in the middle of Down-regging on cycle no 2. - mainly due to my DH's persistence admitedly! Part of me thinks I must be completely  but I know I have to try once more and as time is not on my side I just had to go for it even if I didn't feel ready to face it again.

Adoption is something we looked into just over a year ago because I couldn't face the thought of more treatment and at the time I was pretty convinced that would be the route by which we'd become a family at long last. We did a lot of research and a lot of soul searching before deciding not to pursue it, as like fertility treatment it isn't for the faint hearted and while you can be lucky and never look back, you can be in for a permanent struggle trying to undue the problems caused by years of neglect. So when we were told by my gynae to give IVF a chance first we decided that perhaps we should and here we are! 

So I suppose my only advice is to take a break from any sort of treament, give your body and emotions time to recover before you try to think about where you go next. Only then will you be in a position to know what your next move is. If you're not already having it a course of acupuncture can be really helpful as it really helps on the emotional and physical fronts. Perhaps see if you can get away for at least a few days with DH - a long weekend did my DH and I the world of good a few weeks after we got our first BFN. After weeks/months of preparing for and going through the treatment you really need to "get your life back" and concentrate on each other for a bit.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone (as I know you know!) Take care hun and I really do hope things improve for you soon.

Love and luck,  CG xxx


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## Maybemummy (Mar 12, 2007)

Sweets  sending you a hug now   so sorry to hear about your BFN.  I've taken time off work for my treatment and know exactly what you mean about they way you want to spend your time.  

Let's take the positive here ... on your first full IVF cycle you made good embies .... so you can again.  Most of the clinics success stats are based upon at least 3 cycles so it's worth if you can to keep on trying and then if it's right for you in the future if this didn't work to look at other options such as DE.  

I once watched an infertility programme about a couple with twins who had tried 11 times .....she was mid forties.


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## fluffy57 (May 19, 2005)

Hi Sweets,

Sorry that you are going through a rough time. I was in a similar situation with regards to work.  I stayed in a job I hated hoping that I could get the maternity benefits when the baby came along.  I hated my job as I was stressed out with different things - it amazes me that I stayed in it and part of me blames the job the hours the stress that has me in this situation.  The benefit of hindsight.  I quit my job and got pregnant within 5 weeks which unfortunately didn't last - now is that a sign or what.  Its been 10 months since that and I still haven't managed to get pregnant but I feel a bit happier that I took some control of my life. 

The drugs and the prodding and indignity of IVF doesn't really put me off.  What puts me off is because it dominates your life so  and has such low odds for us older women and makes us out to be decrepit and feel worthless.  Though we must remember that there are a number of exceptions who become pregnant with and without IVF. 

 I do agree with Cotswold Girls says, you need to give yourself some time to move on and mend.

Fluffy


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## Sweets (Jun 28, 2006)

We have a follow-up appt. at the end of this week but they won't tell me anything i don't already know.  At the end of the day, IF does make you feel old.  Looking for a new job does too!! competing against those in their twenties and thirties....

at the moment, I'm still feeling down and still pretty sure that I can't face another round of treatment.  I'm also resenting my partner for not being able to give me a baby...I know it's not his fault, that this is something he hasn't chosen, but even though he's been told he'll never be able to have children naturally, it has not affected him emotionally as much as it has me. And I'm the one who had to go through the treatment and given up work.  Sorry, but i'm just really angry!!


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## Sweets (Jun 28, 2006)

Don't know what happened to my previous post but some of it was missing...my thank yous to you all for taking the time to write such thoughtful replies and for sharing your stories.

We have a follow-up appt. at the end of this week but they won't tell me anything i don't already know.  At the end of the day, IF does make you feel old.  Looking for a new job does too!! competing against those in their twenties and thirties....

at the moment, I'm still feeling down and still pretty sure that I can't face another round of treatment.  I'm also resenting my partner for not being able to give me a baby...I know it's not his fault, that this is something he hasn't chosen, but even though he's been told he'll never be able to have children naturally, it has not affected him emotionally as much as it has me. And I'm the one who had to go through the treatment and given up work.  Sorry, but i'm just really angry!!


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## elaine01 (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Sweets

I'm sorry to read your posts and struggle to become a mother.  Have you thought about embryo donation?  You are in a slightly unique position of both having fertility problems.  I'm afraid being over 40 means that the chances of success with IVF are so low even if your partners sperm is OK.
I know clinics in Spain are advertising finding recipients for frozen embryos and I think I've seen information about this at a couple of UK clinics.  The original couple have usually gone on to have babies and don't need the frozen embryos, in Spain after a certain time the ownership of the embryos revert back to clinic and they are not allowed to destro them.  Having treatment with donor embryos is so much cheaper than a full IVF cycle.
I've come to terms with using donor eggs to try and achieve motherhood.  I've found counselling very helpful and know that I'm ready to 'accept' a baby even though it has no genetic relationship to me.


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## anita.e.t.p (Nov 11, 2005)

Hello Sweets,

We are in a similar position to yourselves.  Me nearly 42,good fsh and everything fine,just age against me and dh is azoospermia due to mumps when a teenager .  

I have had 4 iui and 2 ivf,the last one with zero fertilization which took us by surprise since we had good fert with first ivf and with iui lots of eggs and even got a BFP!!.

We had alot of soul searching but after already coming to terms with donor sperm i knew i would be ok with donor eggs as well .  It is not the same as adoption i can go through a pregnancy and we can do this together, so we have been to Invimed in Poland and have already got a donor and 6 frosties waiting for us , going back next month.

I can always remember one off the girls on the abroadies site saying "it is not if i get pregnant but when" and i think that is what made me go for it,  i just cannot keep going on with the heart-ache and the cost and the stress.

I too get angry over dh and like you say it is not something they have chosen but i see alot of girls even on the over 40s sites that have had lots of treatment then fall pregnant naturally and i know i cannot do that but always think in the back of my mind "if only".

Hope this as helped in any way,you are not alone.  Good luck whatever you decide,

anitaxx


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Sweets,

Just wanted to send you a cyber hug      because you sound like you need one at the moment.

CG xxx


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## Sweets (Jun 28, 2006)

Thank you for your replies once again.  Cotswold Girl - the hug is much appreciated and yes, much needed.  My very best wishes to you in return.

Elaine and Anita - DE is something that has been discussed and that the clinic have now recommended but thinking about this option overwhelms me - pracitcal considerations ie.  how do you go about finding the right clinic, travel considerations, time and what about employment when all this is happening??! How are you both juggling and coping with these things, together with the emotional and ethical considerations?  Yes, I think far too much and worry far too much!!  I wish I could be as calm as you sound.

Anita - it really sounds like we have a lot in common - funnily enough my grandparents were Polish...so it would be lovely to think of that connection....

I don't know - IVF and the fact that it has not been successful has really disrupted my life and I feel like I need to get back on an even keel but don't know where to start....on top of this i also need to find a new job/career.  I wish I could reach a point where I think more clearly...

Thank you all once again for reading and replying to your posts...this board is a lifeline.


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## Pamela39 (Apr 6, 2006)

Hi Sweets,

I am new to this site but in a similar position to you. I am now at the point were we have to seriously consider calling it a day - but I am still desperate for a baby.

I have had two IVF cycles - the second abandoned due to poor response and like you this was converted to IUI as I only had one follicle. 

I was on the maximum 6 amp dose of Menopur so don't think it is worth another IVF to just get more of the same. My FSH is good.

Noticed in your details you had a poor response in attempt one but ok in attempt two. What drugs were you on for your second cycle?

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do - I am still stuggling with finding the right way foward my head says stop but my heart doesn't want to give in.

Pam x


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## Sweets (Jun 28, 2006)

Hello Pam

Deep down, at an emotional level, I also feel like I would like one more go...third time lucky, maybe that would be the one...who knows?  But, yes, logically, I look at the statistics, think about all the time and stress and more hormones, not to mention finances, that another round would involve and I 'know' that it probably isn't the right thing to do.  And I guess part of me really, really doesn't want to go through the stress of it all again.

For my first cycle, I was at the Lister and I started on 300 Menopur which was then upped to 450 near the end and I only had two follicles, but also had a cyst.  For our second cycle, we were sure that it would be our last and so wanted to change clinics and went to the ARGC, which is why i also decide to leave my job as wanted to give this one our very best shot.  I was on 600 Puregon which then went down to 450, once I'd responded.  But it did take this high level for me to respond.  They collected 7 eggs, 6 of which were mature and 3 fertilised. I guess, like you, I feel that if I hadn't been on the highest dose possible, then I feel more convinced that a third go would be worth a try.  I also know my ovarian reserve is very low too.

It's so very difficult to come to terms with, not having your own biological child, a little one who is part of you. 

I wish you all the best too in whatever you do choose to do.  Would you consider ED or adoption, do you think?

Sweets x


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