# Coping with the guilt??



## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi Ladies, 

im really struggling at the moment to cope with the guilt i feel for not being able to give my DH the child he so desperately wants. he is wonderful and has never said anything to me to make me feel that he blames me or resents me but i just cant shake the thought that if he wasnt with me he would probably be a dad now and im so scared that i might never get pregant and he has to live his life childless.

dont get me wrong its not just just for him that im doing this - of course i ache for a child myself but in all honesty i was only ever able to pictyure myself with children once i met DH as before then id never really thought about it but i know he has always wanted children.

i have spoken to him about this - he tricked me into telling him this was worrying me - he's pretty great that way. he told me in now way did he blame me and i know that if we had the conversation again now he would say the same but i just cant help feeling guilty about it all.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

but you have your whole life ahead of you.. anything could happen...families are built in all kinds of ways... it's taken me a very long time ...sure there are plenty of things to worry about as you go along but the future is meant to be uncertain...your happy ending could be just around the corner. x


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Hayden, I think that these are inevitable thoughts.  Infertility is a really dark place.

Your DH sounds lovely, how amazing that he talks to you about this and can help you to get things off your chest.  That is the most important thing, to talk about these things is to work to resolve them or put them to bed.  My DH isn't a talker of any type and such thoughts brood until I pop.

I can come at this from the other perspective.  My DH has children and had a vasectomy, so I can't have children because of his infertility.  Sometimes I do brood over this, what if I'd met someone else, I'd have children by now and my own wonderful family.  They are all pipe dreams though, as I made my choice to be with him.  He knew that I wanted children, I knew that it was unlikely that I'd ever have any with him but we still fell in love.

It is incredibly hard, I'd never pretend that it isn't, but I love him and it's my choice to be with him.  Of course I dream that things were different, and I hope with all of my heart that one day soon they will be, but these dreams are with him.  It's not a family with someone else that I want, it's a baby with him.  I may have to live a childless future, please not, but if that's what I have to do to be with him then that is what I have to live with.

It sounds like your husband feels exactly the same way.  Yes he wants to be a dad, every bit as you want to be a mum.  The most important thing is that you want it together xxxxx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Thanks goldbunny, I guess I know this deep down it's just hard to think straight sometimes.

Molly99 I really appreciate your perspective, sometimes I convince myself that DH is just saying what he thinks he should say, but I know how he really feels from the way he treats me. Thank you for sharing, has really helped me today. I will remember what you said next time I'm venturing towards the 'dark place'


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Haydan,

My DH has no sperm, has been through an operation to try and find some but sadly there is none.  I can honestly 100% say from the bottom of my heart I don't resent him for a second and he has nothing to feel guilty about.  I know he has dark moments where he thinks I must resent it and he has even offered to leave me   That is the last thing I want.  We have had difficult times on this journey, no doubt, but we love each other and I couldn't be prouder of him and our marriage for how we have got through it so far.

Trust your DH, I believe him!  

Oh and as goldbunny says, hopefully there'll be a baby in your near future     xx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Like Bumble bus our issues are male factor too.  I want to create a family with my husband in whatever form that may be so believe your husband when he says he doesn't blame you.  I don't blame my DH, he didn't ask for this, it's just life, which can be cruel and heartbreaking but also miraculous and wonderful.

I'm just hoping for a bit of the miraculous and wonderful life after the cruel and heartbreaking stuff!

   Lots of luck to all  

Dory
xxx


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## M0ncris (Aug 25, 2013)

Hello,

We are male factor which then turned into both factors as I got older.  Right at the beginning after our first failed treatment I went through a period where I was angry with him.  After we'd talked it through and got over the pain of a bfn, I completely changed my perspective, I love him so much, we've both been on this road together which has been so so hard and I know I want to be with him more than I want a baby that is genetically ours.  

We haven't got to the end of the road yet, and I understand your guilt,  when I miscarried I felt like it was my fault and sometimes I go through those moments now when I am feeling down.  But, we are both in this together and we are a team.  

I would believe your dh in what he says.  He wants to be with you, he loves you and he cares enough to want to find out why you are feeling bad.  You are a team and you will make it through whatever fate throws at you.  

Good luck with your journey.  Guilt is really hard to deal with but you both have many things going for you and will get through this.

Hugs,
Mon
X


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Rhe road is ahead of you. You're going for the ivf now. So, don't despair. It will affect you negatively. You might succeed from the first. Your husband is not late for the kids and thank God he is good.
You will get the the kids soon. Just take good care of your nutrition. Optimize your health.


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you for all your comments - really does help to hear from the other perspective. 

made some changes to my diet this month too to get my body in better condition; drinking loads more water (the toilet is becoming my best friend!) fruit juice, veggie juice and wheat grass smoothies, more salad, veg, protien and fibre based food (using flax seed with ground nuts to increase my protein, fibre and omega3) and milk - lots of milk - though I struggle to drink lots of plain milk so i add nesquik to my milk sometimes! also being more strict with going to the gym.  
i take a 'Mother-to-be' supplement but not a huge fan of taking loads of supplements so i looked into the foods that contain the supplement minerals and vitamins instead to top everything up - plus cant really afford loads of different supplements at the moment.

i figured worse case scenerio im healthier and fitter!  

I went on to Iva Keenes website over the weekend and if you sign up to her newsletter she send you some freebie e-books and hints and tips on the natural sciences that can help with infertility - obviously for her full programme there is a charge but i figure looking through dome of the free information cant hurt.  

all this has helped me deal with the guilt too - i feel like im actively doing something to rectify the situation - whether it works or not who knows but at least i now feel like i an 'doing' something productive and i know DH is really impressed with me! lol

thanks again ladies - as always you have been a great help to me


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Haydan, first off - big hugs xxxxxx

I can relate to how you feel as I feel massively responsible for not giving DH the child he really wants.  Friends of ours recently had a baby girl and he's admitted to feeling jealous.  Our first IVF cycle was cancelled because I didn't respond to the stims, I felt (and still feel) completely responsible for our failure.  I see it that it's my body and therefore I am responsible.

However, the control freak that I am is quite happy to shoulder the responsibility, I can do something about it and take any pain away from DH.  He can't feel guilty or bad about something that's not his fault, I feel that by shouldering the responsibility that I can protect him.  It sounds silly but I feel relaxed knowing that I can protect him from any pain.

Maybe that goes someway to explain how you feel but please give yourself a break too, a healthy body is nothing without a sound mind.  Have you looked at reflexology, acupuncture, relaxation classes etc?


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hey Scribbles, 

thanks for your reply, I try to do that aswell - shoulder the responsibility - but i know it doesnt really help my DH all that much - we have 5 friends who have all very recently had babies or are currently pregnant - and they are all his close male friends so he finds it really hard as he's the only one now out of his group of mates that isnt a father.

we had another good chat last night actually and he really is struggling with it all but at least he does talk to me - he doesnt really have anyone else he can talk to which is a real shame for him.
its quite strange actually - he said something that really helped me with my guilt issue.
we got talking about further down the line and he said he really doesnt wasnt to be an old dad and he's also not sure how much he can keep dealing with the dissapointment month after month - its really having an affect on him - and that he wouldnt want to keep trying with treatment into his late 30's and they he feels bad that he might be stopping me from having a baby just becuase he cant carry on. he also doesnt think he could be happy adopting so again feels bad that he's putting a nother stopper in the works for me and actually said he wouldnt blame me if i wanted to leave him so i could carry on trying.

it made me realise just how much we both love and want the best happiness for each other.
if he feels that way then i really cant believe he would ever feel any resentment to wards me now.

I have looked into acupuncture but wouldnt be able to afford to go enough times at the moment for the treatment to make any difference. it is something i would like to try once i have the spare money.
i have also done alot of research in fertility diets and healthy living to try and make sure my body is in the best condition - this i can afford to do easily so im concentrating on this at the moment. i am going to go see a Chinese Herbalist this afternoon to see what they say and i want to talk to the Yoga teacher at my gym to see if she knows any positions that boost fertility.

lets hope this all pays off and i can give DH a beautiful baby soon.

thank you again ladies for your responses - really has helped me.


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