# Giving up!



## helen6887 (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi Ladies,

Feeling sad as my Dh and I are at the end of our infertility journey. We've decided to finally give up and accept that we will never have children (after 14 yrs TTC). I feel guilty, like it shows that we couldn't really have wanted a child that much as we haven't remorgaged the house to fund several treatments, we haven't considered adoption and at 39 I feel that my age is against me. Don't get me wrong I desperately want a child, but i know that if I push my DH for further treatment I'm likely to lose my marriage. Just wondering at what point do you say enough is enough? Have you failed because you didn't keep going with treatment after treatment after treatment? Should money be no object - would you get yourself into serious financial debt if you thought it would give you a baby in the end? Do you accept that after 40, your chance of conceiving is too slim to be worth the effort/emotional/physical toll it puts on you?

Helen xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

God this is one of the hardest questions i ask myself on a daily basis!!  At the age on 31 i have been told i have a very good chance of this working, ........ but after 2 icsi cycles (one early m/c, one bfn and a  bfn fet cycle) it has not worked!  My dh and i have discussed this many times.  Money is a big issues but a much bigger issue is the emotional impact this has on every area of our lives!  For me 2/3 more cycles and i estimate enough will be enough.  That is nothing to do with age but is 75% emotional and 25% financially.  


It has to be said i admire you for finally saying enough is enough and for considering what impact this has on your marriage, you sound very level headed.  I am sorry you are feeling sad, i hope you find a way of dealing with things and that your life is for filled with happiness in other areas.xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Skybreeze (Apr 25, 2007)

It is such a hard situation to be in. Dh and I are in the same. 

I am 25, DH is 46 we have had 4 cycles of IVF... 3 BFN's and a MC then a natural BFP that ended in a MC. So we have now sort of come to the thinking of never having children, its so hard to actually admit. But I'm afraid for us it does come down to money. If money was no object then we would do IVF again and again... But its just not possible. And we wont get into debt. 

The thing with us we know that my eggs are the issue, so its made the disicion a bit easier. 
Part of me wants to save and try again, but then I look at the past IVF's and think whats the point?!! The chances are so slim on cycle 5. So we are defeated. Trying naturally I never feel like I am trying my best, because in my head IVF is the only way to become pregnant. 

I am so sorry that things have come to this for you too. I hope you find peace in your life and come to a place where you are happy. 

Natalie xxx


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi there

I've not voted on the poll as there's not really a correct option on there for me.

We've been ttc for 7 years.  I turned 41 in January and DP was 35 in March.  5 years ago, after 2 naturally conceived early mc's, I had 6mths clomid to boost (ovulate naturally but to release more eggs), we've then done 7 treatment cycles (5 fresh IVFs and 2 frozen) and have had 5 early miscarriages in total (3 naturally, 2 with both FETs and the most recent naturally was last summer).

We have started to "pencil" in the line but not quite drawn it completely.  We still have 6 frozen embryos so want to use those at some point and we do still try naturally as there is always that chance of a miracle, especially as it did happen again last year, 3mths after a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy.  I had yet another lap/hystero (my 7th) a month ago to remove more endo and adhesions....it's returning quicker and quicker and consultant believes that all the IVF (and my good response to it, with high oestrogen levels) is aggravating it.  After living with endo for 29 years (diagnosed for 22), I'm really fed up that it's coming back so quickly and I just can't keep putting my health at risk because of it, it causes so much pain.  However, I've conceived a few times following these ops and consultant has told us to "give it all we've got" over the next 3mths as he feels it can improve our chances soon after the endo/adhesions removed (fingers crossed !).

Money isn't the issue for us (by the way, we've not remortgaged our flat, that doesn't mean you and we don't want a baby as much as anyone else who has !   ).....but DP and me decided that because of my health and because we just can't keep putting ourselves through the emotional (and for me, the physical) stress of IVF, that we wouldn't do any more fresh cycles.  We don't want our little snowbabies to perish, they're a part of us, so will do a FET sometime in the not too distant future....and see what happens.  We considered adoption but due to my age and the lengthy process, we've decided against this now.

We've talked so much about it....it is hard as DP is 6 years younger and it's me with the fertility issues (endo, bicornuate uterus, immune and blood clotting disorders causing miscarriages plus had fibroids and polyps removed...bit of a mess really !!).....but he says he doesn't want a baby with anyone else.  Whilst it's not entirely the same, we do have lots of babies/children around us including my cousins 2 girls who are really "nieces" to us and are our god-daughters, plus DPs younger sister has a baby boy....we adore them and know that they will just be extremely spoilt by us.....and on the selfish side, we've decided that maybe that is what fate/life has mapped out for us which means we will just enjoy being together, no responsibilities, spending our money on wonderful holidays and treats.  

It's not how we thought our lives together would be like but that's just the way it is.......life doesn't always turn out the way we envisage it and throws a curveball which scuppers all the best laid plans !! Life is too short and we don't want to put our lives on hold for something that may never happen....don't want to reach age of 70 and look back feeling bitter that life has past us by on a mission that never happened.......we want to enjoy life, to live !  We can look back and know that we've tried all we felt we could, to achieve our dream of a family, it's not like we gave up at the first hurdle.  This may sound strange but in some ways it's like a weight off my/our shoulders, the "pressures off" if you know what I mean ?!

Although as I say, maybe a miracle will happen again and we'll have to re-think everything yet again.....who knows  

I wish you well on whatever you choose to do  
Take care
Natasha x


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## cutelittlepumpkin (Nov 1, 2007)

I had 7 tx before I had the boys and had no intention of stopping unless we were bankrupt and homeless!!!

CLP


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## Trix100 (Jan 12, 2006)

Hi Helen,

I am so sorry that you are at a crossroads, IF is so damn difficult.

I knew too I would never give up.  After 4 x Clomid, 3 IUI's and 4 ICSI's with my own eggs we decided to go down the donor route (after advice from my consultant).  During my two week wait I thought it had failed and was already looking into another cycle.  Lucky for us it worked however if the donor route hadn't worked we would have gone down the adoption route (again had already looked into it).  Don't get me wrong, it put a huge amount of strain on our finances and relationship but I was so determined to have a family stopping was not an option for me.  My husband would have given up but has often said thank God I was so persistant has we would not have our little man now. 

I hope whatever you decide it is the right decision for you both and sending you a huge cyber hug.

Trix
xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

There isn't an option for me either, 41 and 8th cycle still going on my 2ww now with DE, although I did lay on the acupuncture table before this ET yedterday and I started to cry and thought how much further can I put myself through.
It is a very personal decision
Good Luck


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

we 'gave up' at ages just 25 and 29!..............though this was after 9tx and 3mc   

BUT we have two beautiful boys through adoption who are the lights of our lives   

i couldn't love them anymore if i had carried them and given birth - the fact that biologically we are not related is completely irrelevant and they are completely and utterly OURS   our sons came to us aged 1 and 3 and as they now turn 3 and 5 it feels like they have always been with us. we are very very lucky.

we just cannot wait to give them a little brother or sister - however our next children happens to arrive   

i don't think financial debt is an appropriate way for a child to be brought into this world - neither is the breakdown of marriage   

Helen at 39 adoption is a realistic option for you - perhaps something you should consider. my brother and his wife are pushing 40 and just starting out   

hth, ritz


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

We are taking a break from ttc at the minute because we are coming to our final year of an IVA, so want to be debt free before we officially try again. 

However, I still have my tests from ebay and I don't the 'need' to try will ever go away. 

We have spoken about how long we should try for before accepting defeat. We are of the mind that if after a couple of years off ttc we havent had a baby, then we will move on to try adoption. As we are at the beginning of our journey compared to most of you on here, I try not to think about having to say 'enough is enough'. Thats VERY scary, and something I hope will never have to happen for us. 

I guess you just never know what the future holds. xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Flow i feel exactly the same.  I never want to have to make that decision, but i don't think in all honestly we could carry on having tx  for many more years.  I think we will probably change clinics and give it another 2 goes and then say enough is enough.  This is not because we dont want a baby but its for the sake of our marriage and our sanity.  We are also quite keen on adopting. xxx


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