# Can we adopt if we have a 3 year old?



## Wickedgreengirl (Sep 6, 2014)

Hello

After suffering a terrible loss very recently it looks like I cannot be pregnant again without very high risks.  We know that we do not want our 3 year old to be an only child so pondering adoption (obviously when we are emotionally ready to enquire, so likely to be next year when we start the ball rolling).

My main question is that as we have a 3 year old (likely to be 4 when we start the process), will that put us down the list for adopting in terms of wait times? Will we be likely to get a baby (under 1) or do they tend to get matched with childless couples? Sorry if my questions sound insensitive, I'm just not sure how to phrase them!

We have so much love and time to give another child and T would make an ace big brother!

WGG x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Yes you would, and they would more than likely to want ad big an age gap as possible so the younger the better, what I would do is investigate adoption as much as possible, read all you can.
Any child that is adopted has suffered at least one loss, any loss is traumatic, they will most likely have had very poor anti natal care., along with other negative experiences pre birth.
Please, please read all you can, make sure it is what you want for your family and your existing child, love alone is often just not enough for our children.
I love both my 2 whole heartedly, would I wish them on a birth child, or I should say would I wish their trauma and baggage they come with on a birth child, no I wouldnt.
Good luck, I'm not trying to put you off just want you to be as prep aired as you can.


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## Wickedgreengirl (Sep 6, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. I've been reading quite a bit but everything I've found is quite generic about the process and I've not found stories which reflect our situation. Any suggestions of resources are welcome. 

I truly understand the issue around trauma and damage, my sister (older than me) is technically my cousin but lived with us from the age of 6ish. She has emotional and self esteem issues but she is my sister and I'm grateful she spent her childhood/early adulthood with us and she is one of my best friends. Bringing another child into our family is a massive step and if we did go for it, it would be a considered decision. I think the fact that my mum and dad took in my sister and other people over the years my thoughts are turning to adoption rather than trying to pursue another biological child and all the associated risks obviously Impact there too...


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## Beebo (Oct 21, 2012)

People with existing (especially younger) children usually wait longer to be matched. A two year age gap is the absolute minimum required and there are very few babies or under two's available for adoption. That said, one of my friends has a four year old birth daughter and in December had an 18-month-old boy placed with her for adoption having been approved just a few months earlier. So it can and does happen!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Sarah Holland (who runs the fertile mindset programme) adopted a young child when her birth son was around 3, so it's definitely possible! Best of luck xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

First of all, so sorry for your loss.
As others have said it is absolutely possible. Miny moo has touched on the most important thing and that is you need to be fully aware of what may lie ahead for you and your family. Sadly the vast majority of babies will have far more issues than self esteem or emotional issues.
The problem lies in that adopting a baby or very young child you have no idea of what problems they may have as they're too young to be exhibiting anything so the level of uncertainty is very high. You have to keep in mind that again the vast majority of babies are removed from birth parents due to their lifestyle etc rather than being voluntarily given up for adoption because they want to do the best for their baby. Many birth mothers will drink during their pregnancy which social services may or may not be aware of. There was a recent program on itv "exposure-when pregnant women drink" which ?I highly recommend wTching to give you some idea of what this coukd mean.
We came to adoption through infertility and had no children and I have to say even before we adopted just going through the training days I had serious doubts as to whether we could do it and I categorically knew that if we had already had a birth child there was no way I could run the risk with them.
Having said all of that we were matched with a 6 month baby boy who certainly for the time being shows no developmental concerns and at now 9 months appears to be completely normal but that's not to say things won't come up in the future but we will deal with them if and when they do. I know with a birth child you have no guarantees but you do everything in your power to ensure your baby has the best start in life, unfortunately that is not the  case for these babies.


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## Bibi (Oct 29, 2007)

WGG
I'm really sorry for your loss. It must have been very hard to go through that. We have a birth son who is 4.5yrs. We are just in the finding out stage. We have had an initial phoneccall with LA and social worker is visiting us in 2 weeks. We're then booked  into the information evening in May. We were told that we would need a 3yr gap so they advised 0-2yr old. We were also told it would have to be a girl. 


We are currently very keen but totally up for not doing it if we think it's too much for our son or us as a family. I really understand your thoughts for looking into it! Please pm if you want to ask anything.


Bibi


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

Our son is now fifteen, and was 13 when we first talked to him about adoption. I don't think we would have considered it if he had only been three or four. It has been a rough ride for us and would have been a terrible time for a young child. If it is possible for you to wait to adopt it would be better but that is only my opinion. However with the amount of time people are waiting for the right match it could take some time before you get there and your child would be older then. It took us over 18 months! It is a hard decision to make but doubly so if you have birth children to consider. It was easier with our son being older as we could explain to him what was happening and he was able to ask questions of anything he wasn't sure of which would not happen with a younger child. xx


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## Bibi (Oct 29, 2007)

Thanks Pyjamas, unfortunately a wait like that for us would mean we would be 60!


Bibi x


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## Wickedgreengirl (Sep 6, 2014)

Thanks all, we are only at the pondering stage and we'd be at least 6 months down the line before enquiring so it's likely Toby would be nearer 6 at the point of adoption. The only other way of growing our family would be surrogacy and that just seems silly when we could give a living supportive patient and caring home to a child looking for a family... x


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Wickedgreengirl

So sorry to hear about your loss, I can't imagine how that must feel.  We have a daughter of 9 and started the adoption process when she was 7 nearly 8.  It has taken us 18 months to get through the system as it is very slow.  During that time we could think about the process and what type of child would be suitable within our family to have.  Our daughter has some additional needs so we cannot take on too much and that has been recognised by our LA who have put in place full adoption support should we be matched with a child in the future.

However, on the plus side if you have a birth child you have fantastic experience to offer.  My advice whist you go through the process is to get experience of other children, have friends, cousins etc over for sleep overs and days out so you can say your experience with children isn't just with your child.  

Our LA loved this as we have our daughter's cousins over regularly and a friend's children who has been very unwell the last few years. They would stay often just for a day but sometimes overnight.  They are quite traumatised from the years of illness their mother has had to endure and need extra attention at times and to be parented differently to our daughter so it has been very good for our experience, although thank goodness our friend seems to be on the road to recovery at last.

I would say to you go for it.  By the time you get through it your child will be around 6 years old, plenty old enough.  Our LA have said minimum 3 years but we wanted quite young to ensure there is a big age gap so have been approved for 0 - 3.  We have met others who also have children and I think the youngest birth child was 5.  

We have been told by the Adoption Manager for our LA "there are no children coming through the system at the moment" so I guess we have a long wait ahead of us.  But, we wait patiently and hope that our daughter is out there somewhere and if not, well we tried our best - that is all we can do.

It can happen quicker as my friend adopted a beautiful 3 year old daughter, she is so happy.  So, sometimes it can happen quicker but as I say the whole process takes so long anyway so you have plenty of time.

Also, it would be good for your birth child to be of an age that they understand adoption and you can talk to them about it and include them in the process.  As we were told most adoption breakdowns are from those with birth children, we have included our daughter every step of the way.  

Good luck.
Louise
x


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## Bibi (Oct 29, 2007)

Just wanted to say thank you for being encouraging Louise. I hope you get a match quickly  


Bibi x


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