# Should I try for another baby?



## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Hi ladies

I’m feeling really low about a decision I have to make and I wanted to know if you have any advice that could help me make the right decision.

This year, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who’s now 4 months old. She was the product of our second FET attempt. I love her so very much.

All my adult life, I’ve wanted two children. It was always my dream, as it is for many other women, to have one boy and one girl. The dream hasn’t changed (though the sex of a second child wouldn’t matter these days).

However, I’m now a few weeks off my 40th birthday. My husband is a couple of years off his 50th. He already has 2 children from his previous marriage (both girls too, aged 13 and 15). And he doesn’t want any more children… And this is where my dilemma begins… 

I have spent the last year analysing how I feel about having a second child. Up until recently, I thought it was all I ever wanted. But having spoken privately to my parents and friends, and analysed the issues myself, and knowing as I do that my husband is against another child, I’m just not so sure now. 

In my heart, I would love a second. I crave that wonderful feeling of giving birth and having a newborn baby to cherish all over again. I love the thought of having not one, but two little people, to adore. I would so very dearly love two children to treasure and focus on, as they grow into adults. 

But I’m also very aware of all the hard work, expense, and wear and tear on your body that comes with having 2 young children. And we would have to do IVF again (although only FET which is slightly less stressful), which might not even work. I also know about all the benefits of just having one child in our circumstances. I’m aware of the fact that we could give our little girl everything (time, attention, money, love) if we didn’t have another. 

And yet I can’t get my head round never having another baby. Every time I think about life with our little girl only, I can’t get past a huge sense of grief and sadness that I would never have another. And I feel guilty for that, as I know I should be focusing my love on our daughter and enjoying every single moment with her. 

I know she has two half-sisters, but that’s not the issue. They can’t make up for the fact that I may not have a second baby of my own.

What's the way forward? I haven’t spoken to my husband about all of this, as he has always been so anti- a second child, he’s made it so very difficult to talk about it with him. I know I should talk to him but I just haven’t been brave enough yet to push for a discussion. And for some reason, I feel a need to work out what I definitely want first, before forcing the conversation. 

I know I should probably wait and give it a little more time, as our daughter is still so young. Yet time is obviously not that much on my side. And how much time should I give it anyway? 6 months? A year? And will my feelings change in that time? Will my feelings crystallize?

As you can see, I’m really struggling with this issue. Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.

Goldy


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## waywardstork (Apr 30, 2007)

Hi there.  
I don't really know how to give you advice, I don't think anyone really can.  This decision you face is one without a wrong or right answer.  I am also married to a man who is nearing 50, myself nearing 40 ... dh also has grown sons ... so I understand your situation a little.  
DH and I are still on the fertility journey, but already we have made the decision of only having one child.  Although I would ideally have liked to have had more than one child, I only met my dh two years ago, and knowing he had had a vas during first marriage, I realised that we would have a struggle to have just one child.  
Having said that, it was till not an easy thing to accept.  There is part of me that feels guilty toward a child that we might have as we will be denying that child any siblings anywhere near it in age.  BUT ... I can also see that it would perhaps be unfair to my husband to expect him to still be a father to more than one young child when he is 60 and probably by then a grandad too!  I want to be able to give my child as much as possible, and I think dh and I will be able to do this better if we only have one child.  
I do realise that this is all easy for me to talk about now and I may feel some or all of what you are feeling when/if we have a baby... 
Another thing to consider is ... are you prepared for the posibility that you may have twins this time?  That would take your family from one child to three!  
Give yourself time to think things through and then bite the bullet and talk to hubby.  Perhaps if he is adamant, you may have to accept it.  I feel so blessed that my dh is willing to 'start all over again' having a family with me when he was enjoying a few carefree years before I met him - his sons were by then late teens and he was able to travel and do some of the things that he had never been able to do when they were little.  He will be giving a lot of that up so that I can experience motherhood.  I appreciate this so much and feel that one child will enable us to balance a family and still have time/ money for him to maintain a few of his new hobbies and passions. 
I really hope that you manage to work through this. Best of luck, I hope that you feel better about things soon,
waywardstork


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## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

Have pm'ed you

Karen


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Dear waywardstork

Thank you so much for responding to me. I really appreciate it. It’s so helpful hearing your experiences. You sound like a lovely person, your DH is very lucky to have such a thoughtful DW. Sounds like you’ve got things pretty sussed in your own mind, and that’s great. I think the worst thing is indecision and uncertainty. At least you’re clear at the moment what you want, and that helps give you focus, direction and peace of mind. It’s when you just don’t know which way to go that is difficult, as you are constantly trying to analyse things in your mind and getting nowhere. And that’s where I am! But as you say, I need to talk to DH, and perhaps now is still a little too early (after all, DD was only born 4 months ago). In terms of the possibility of twins, you’re right, that is indeed an issue, but I have already decided I would have a SET if we were to do IVF again. We still have 7 embies frozen at the clinic, so I would defrost 4 for one FET attempt, and then the final 3 for a second, giving us 2 more attempts left, if we want them. I wouldn’t do full IVF again, as I found it so difficult and stressful the first time round. 

Thanks again waywardstork.

Goldy


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

I cannot help you make your decision but I do feel you need to talk honestly with your DH.  You are trying hard to understand his point of view but he needs to be given the same opportunity to understand yours and you need to be able to tell him how you feel about this issue.  whatever the final decision, you both need to talk honestly to each other otherwise resentment will build up - and thats dangerous!

From the childs point of view.  I am an only child myself. To be honest, I always thought I would have liked a brother or sister but I don't feel that I missed out by being the only one.  I had alot of adult attention and matured pretty quickly, doing well at school because i never had to compete for my parents attention.

Where I do think I missed out was in having early opportunities to interact with other kids - I was always more comfy with adults.  Looking back I think that could have been easily rectified by time in nursery with other young children.

Many of my friends were jealous of me being the only one - one friend, the oldest of six, said she would have killed to be the only one.

So, if it comes to it, being an only child is not a disaster and don't ever feel you are a bad parent for not providing your daughter with a brother or sister.

whatever happens and whatever you decide, I wish you good luck and happiness.

Kehlan


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Kehlan

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really helpful to hear your views as an only child. I guess there are loads of good things about being an only child, and whilst you miss out on siblings, you gain in so many other ways. 

Maybe having only our daughter is the right thing to do, for lots of reasons... 

But this would then present us with yet another challenge - what to do with our 7 spare frozen embryos. At present, the thought of destroying them is more than I can think about. I wouldn't want them to go for research, nor would I really want to donate them to another couple (knowing how upset I could be at not using them for ourselves, I don't think I could cope with the thought that somewhere out there was our little girl's brother(s) or sister(s)). 

There is never a simple answer, is there?

Thanks again Kehlan. Good luck with your journey.

Goldy


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## Lou128 (Mar 4, 2007)

Hi Goldy

I really empathise with you. I have Ben who is nealry 4 whom I conceived on Clomid after 6 attempts.

Over the past 2 years we have tried naturally, had 7 clomid attempts and 2 IUI's this year. I want to try IVF but my Husband will not agree to it. He is terrified of having twins as he thinks it would be too much for me to cope with and financially too. (My best friend who has a daughter same age is due to have twins on IVF which doesn't help my case)

I don't know how you can get a man to change their mind. I have been distraught this week as I am due to start tretment in 2 weeks time. What makes it harder is that my little boy really wants to have a baby too. I always wanted to have a big family as I am one of 4. I lost a brother when he was 17 and lost my Mum 9 years ago. I think family is so important. 

I have said to him that I would want to freeze any eggs and that I would want to use them if I could. I think it would be a hard decision to make to not keep them as they are potential babies.

We are both the same age (36) so in some ways I can understand yiour other half being older and possibly not wanting more but it is the Mum who does all the hard work and it is not fair for men to take the decision away from a woman to have anoither baby.

I wish I could help more other than to say you have to keep talking. I just ask my husband every night has he thought about it as he did say on Tuesday that he would.

Take care

Louise
x


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Goldy,

You are right there is never a simple solution. I really empathise with your dilemma. We're lucky enough to have a good supply of frosties and I'm keen to use them in our treatment. I'm not sure I would be happy with any of the other options...I think that keep talking to your DH is the only way to go.

Hi Lou,

If your DH is so concerned about the possibility of twins from IVF then you could consider just transferring 1 embryo rather than 2 as that would reduce the risk of twins considerably. Just a thought. 

lol


Edna


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Well ladies, here I am, a few months further on, and yet no further on... DH is now adamant that he doesn't want another baby; and I am now sure that I want to try again. We are now further apart in our feelings than ever before, and are becoming entrenched. I have even asked him to consider what he would want in return for letting me try again, but he just refuses to engage in the conversation and just states he doesn't want any more. I really don't know what to do. I feel pretty down about it all, as I just can't see a way forward. Because of my age, I would want to get going on another round of treatment in early 2008, if we were to go for it, which really means letting the clinic know ASAP of these plans. This month, we will also need to sign to agree to our frosties being frozen for another year, so I am waiting for the letter, and for the ensuing argument with DH about the "waste of money" (his words) keeping them frozen. My God, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with, I just can't see a way forward.

Goldy


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## honneybee (Feb 21, 2007)

Hi goldie, just a thought but have you tried neutral ground to hold a talk. book somewhere for a meal so he can't get too cross in public, have you wxplained your feelings too on this need.

I totally sympathise with you as my dh did not want another child. he kept putting me off IVF for a few years by saying next year etc. In the end I booked an appointment at a fertility clinic then told him, I am not saying do the same as me as it put a big strain on our marriage, but the ivf worked first time as you can see by my ticker, my dh has now come round to this littlie but it what touch and go. Men do not like their hand forced. you have to find the right card to play.

when he is with your dd encourage him more by telling how great he is with her, how she loves what he does. It may soften him enough to have a conversation.

I hope you both find a solution, my dh's was to tell me that I will do all night feeds and nappies. I agreed, but, I also know he will do it when the time comes as he is a wonderful father  

mitch
x


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hi Goldy - i didn't see this thread the first time round, but i can really understand what you are feeling.  I have always wanted 2 children - andit took us quite a while to get number 2, after which dh said he would be happy with just the one.  i complained that he couldn't change the goalposts at this stage - when we got together we knew what we would have to do to have children, as he had a vasectomy with his ex wife.  he knew that i wanted 'children' (plural!) and i felt that he had almost reneged on our agreement.  I agreed to stay with him (we had the children conversation very early on as i knew i was falling for him and needed to know he wanted children too, otherwise i would have probably left before we got too involved) on the basis that he would be prepared to do what it took to have children. (not just child!)

He feels that he is getting too old (actually only 44!) and has an 18 and a 14 year old from his previous marriage.

He has now agreed to try agian, but i do feel that i had to force the issue a little - but only because i was devastated at the thought of never having another - or at least trying.

Does he understand exactly what this means to you?  why won't he even discuss it?  

This is such a hard one - and i don't know what the answer is hun.  I don't know what i would do if dh had put his foot down and said no this time.

I so hope it all works out for you - i suppose i just wanted to come in and give you a big hug.

sallywags


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Hi Sallywags and Mitch - thanks for your replies. Your comments are really helpful.

I guess DH doesn't want to discuss it as he thinks it is a waste of time as I'm fixed on my decision and so is he. I personally feel he is unable to see beyond his own situation, and is not willing to truly think about how his refusal will affect me, and potentially our marriage. 

He sometimes throws the "You only married me to have children!" line at me (ridiculous comment) which makes me so cross. I had waited a long time to find the right man to marry and have a family with (I met him when I was 36), and ended up choosing a man who had had a vasectomy, which so clearly shows the strength of feeling I had for him. That comment makes me feel like he's mocking my natural / normal desire to have children with the man I love. He also makes me feel like I'm asking for the earth wanting 2 children!; yet I'm only wanting what most people have without batting an eyelid.

His behaviour makes me resent his expectation that I 'mother' (or at least care for) his two teenage girls (13 and 15). In fact, they're coming to stay with us in a week's time for a few days, and I feel so resentful that he will expect me to love, cherish and care for them (which I do) but won't let me also have 2 children of my own. 

At the moment, the only thing I can do is be offish with him, as it gives me SOME sense of control and some way of letting him know how I feel, but he is just ignoring it in the main, and is constantly trying to be nice to me and 'jolly me along'. He really doesn't get it. In my view, he's just trying to brush the issue under the carpet and hope it will go away. He is entirely avoiding the issue. But I wish he could see that his behaviour is doing nothing to make it go away. 

Sallywags, before I married him, I insisted that he allow us to have 'children', and I said if he wasn't happy with this, we shouldn't get married. He laughed if I recall, but seemed to accept it without saying anything. I didn't want to force the issue too much at that point, so left it unclarified (probably a mistake in hindsight). So I feel I at least tried to make it clear. And he has always known I was very maternal, so it should come as no surprise that I want to try again. I do feel he is really letting me down by refusing to have another go. It's almost like he's reneging on an unspoken agreement between husband and wife that you try for 'children' (plural). At least, that is how I thought it would be when I chose to make him my husband. 

Oh I feel I'm going round in circles. It's pointless arguing against his points as he just moves onto another point (knowing full well probably that I'm making sense, but not wanting to face it). I really don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for listening ladies. It really helps having somewhere to vent my feelings and to know that you all know what I'm talking about. 

Love Goldy


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Goldy - i really feel for you, i feel guilty that i have 'forced dh's hand' a little in this - but i felt the same as you.  I think where dh is letting you down isn't so much refusing to try again but refusing to discuss it or acknowledge your feelings - that has got to be fundamental to a marriage.

By discussing it with me dh realises how i feel about it and that it is SO important to me.  He doesn't feel the need to have any more children but would love and cherish any that came along, so he is definitely doing this for me.  I really respect him for hearing me out and taking the steps he has, because i know it's not what he would have chosen if it was up to him.

I don't know how you can get your dh to at least listen - i don't know what to suggest hun.  it's difficult because if you push it too hard, what could happen?  maybe you need to decide how far you are prepared to push things to make him discuss it with you.

I so hope you come to a compromise (if indeed there is one?  I said to dh i at least need to know that i have tried)

Big hugs 

Sallywags


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Hi there ladies.

Well, thought I would give you a quick update.

To cut a VERY, VERY long story short, I managed to get my DH to sign the relevant paperwork (very, very begrudgingly) back in May. Then I started treatment for a FET in early November with a single embryo transfer (DH wouldn't even consider 2 embryos being transferred, as twins would have been the last straw as far as he's concerned).

Then today I tested, and guess what, I have a  BFP!!

I can't believe it, and goodness only knows how my DH will react when I tell him this weekend, but it has worked!!!

I just pray that I can keep hold of it to the 12 week cutoff, 'coz until then I reckon I'm going to be a nervous wreck!!!

All I can say to anyone out there who is experiencing resistance for another child from their DH or DP, please don't give up, keep focused, if you really want it, it can happen. I've put up with so much conflict and anger from my DH over the past 2-3 years about this issue, but I just wouldn't give up, it was so important to me just to try again, so eventually, he had no choice, and he signed the paperwork.  It was either that or look for another wife!!!!

Goldy


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Goldilocks, that is absolutely fantastic news - well done! I bet he's chuffed to bits really, isn't he?! (or will be when you get to tell him!)

Brilliant - that's great!


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## honneybee (Feb 21, 2007)

Goldie I am soo chuffed for you hun  

I will keep all my fingers crossed for you, as for dh   , my dh does the nappies,feeds and more. So he didn't hold out like he said  

He loves our little flower and even said he could not imagine life without her now she is here.  

good luck babe

mitch
xxx


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## encore (May 27, 2004)

congratulations!


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## Goldilocks (Sep 20, 2005)

Thank you so much ladies.

DH was initially shocked when I told him about my BFP, but he seems to have accepted it, and I think things will be OK.

I'm not allowing myself to think about it properly yet though, not until I get to 12 weeks.

Still can't believe it!

Goldy


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Hi, I am glad that this has worked out for you. This is a difficult question, easier for some more than others!

The issue of DH's not wanting to try again seems to be a very common one. Us women have the urge to do so regardless of the practicalities. As everyone who is fortunate to have had a child will know, it is tough, but you do get through the difficult times and adjust your lifestyle and finances to suit. If we all sat down and made logical assessments either of having IVF at all, or just the concept of having children, we would never do it.

The other issue is pressure and comments from other people which is very prevalent. There is still very much the view that one child is not enough. My view, as an only child myself, is that is not ideal,but it is not the end of the world. There are many benefits. However there are those who see this as an abomination as they cannot imagine the world of an ' only' at all and think the worst, having themselves been surrounded by a world of siblings and extended family. The truth is somewhere in the middle and very much depends on how the parents handle the upbringing of an only child. I know some very happy people from large families whose filial ties only get stronger as they get older, and I also know some very unhappy people who are having a dreadful time, particularly after their parents die and everyone seems to be out for what they can get inheritance wise. At this point the ties crumble.

I used to feel envious of other families who seemed self contained. As I grew older,Christmases and Bank Holidays felt worse as all my friends were cocooned away with their own families having no need to find playmates elsewhere. I was left with my ageing parents having to watch TV or amuse myself with my toys. I used to knock on their doors but it was clear that this was ' family' time so I was never invited in. This was hard. I don't mind admitting this.

My daughter is now in the same position as I was. I will learn from the past and encourage her to make and maintain friendships, as I will also be working hard on her behalf to encourage sleepovers, parties, and close friendships so that , on Bank Holidays and Christmases, our house will be very much open to her friends. I am working hard to be a friend to other mums locally and to offer to babysit for them and to establish playdates, so that my own child can have company. She will probably now go to a private girls school at 11 if we can afford it so we are planning for this.

I had a failed frostie tx in August, which would have provided a sibling for our darling DD. I was heartbroken for many weeks. We were very nervous of it working if we are honest and having to go through it all again ( I am 47 and DH is 43- toyboy!) but I know we would have been delighted and coped with what was ahead. My pregnancy was fantastic with few problems, although a lot of anxiety from the medical profession which did not help me relax.

It is only recently that I have come to terms with the fact that I will not be pregnant again. However I do have moments when I think, why not? I suppose if I was even 5 years younger it would be easier but essentially my real view is that I do not think I could love another child as much as DD. She is wonderful in every way and a relatively easy child to bring up. Having tried for so long and eventually to have her puts her in both a difficult and good position, good in that we want to give her the best that life has to offer, and bad in that her arrival and life means so much to us. She could never be 'replicated' and I would be concerned at the impact our unconscious feelings would have on another child. I guess that this is a common feeling in all second births but perhaps exacerbated by the method of conception. The other question is , again, the unknown aspect of donor tx. I am not sure whether I would want another child from a different donor. I am not exactly sure why this is but the feeling is there.

The upshot of our thinking is that we have tried our very best. We went back for the frosties and it didnt work at all. I am now post menopausal , having been through the process just after her birth ,and the frostie cycle was a nightmare from the point of view of having to stimulate periods which did not want to happen. After months of hot flushes and other nasties, and having to cope with this as well as raise a young child, I have been on HRT since September. If I were to have another baby I could not breastfeed as I would have to resume HRT immediately after her birth. We could spend a further £5k on having tx abroad and endure weeks of hormone stimulation , scans, and tests, but the likelihood is, after 9 txs producing only one baby, a 10th cycle will still not work. That is the reality. I am also not willing to endure more months of pre treatment, treatment, and post treatment, and perhaps have a more difficult pregnancy than before, as a result losing out on the tender years of my daughters life. Some may consider this a selfish view but on balance I am beginning to think that practically, this is the right one. We cannot afford to risk my health and wellbeing, and put my daughters well being at risk, particularly as we have no other family back up in the UK.

The pressure however is still there. At a playgroup last week someone I have known for years asked when I was having another. I replied that I could not have another. She seemed to think that I was saying I could not tolerate another pregnancy or cope with a second and tried to make out I was being selfish. 'No', I said, I _*cannot have * _  any more children' and walked off. Sometimes you just have to tell it straight. They'll get over it.

roze


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