# so called friends !!!!!!!!!



## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Humf !!! I'm in a foul mood and need to vent off so be prepared    

My so called friend and her husband have been round today and spent the entire afternoon rambling on about their plans to conceive, how many times they've done it, when she's ovulating etc etc. She got pg while on the pill a few years ago so it probably won't take long. I'm really happy for her as I feel i've moved on and it would be lovely if I was adopting around the same time. We are going to panel in September so i've been getting myself really excited about what the future holds.

But what really peed me off was that she said 'well at least with me and John (her husband) we will know that our baby will be genetically ours, you won't have a clue about where your child has come from'. How I didn't slap her I do not know and she couldn't understand why I was so upset at her remark.

I felt like such a failure when she said that, why do people who conceive so easily have to throw it in your face? I felt like I we are 2nd best just because are adopting and not able to have our own birth child.

Anyway I feel the need for a bottle of stella in the garden. Sorry for ranting girls but I just needed to have a whinge,

lol

Val x


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

to you.

What you are doing is fantastic, you are going to be giving a child or children a loving home that will be full of fun and they will feel so loved, more loved then they have ever felt, that is something to feel proud about.

You friend (so called) needs to think over what she has said, she needs to just sit back and think what you have been through and what you are about to do, she also wants to remember how lucky she is.

I am so pleased you are going to panel soon, and i wish you all the luck in the world.
You will make fantastic parents and the child/ren that are lucky enough to have you as their parents will be so so lucky

Take care, and keep your chin up, you are doing a marvellous thing  

Jo
x x x


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## *Kim* (May 5, 2002)

Hi Val

Jo actually read your post out to me on the phone earlier on and i was horrified at your so called friend. If i had been you i would have shown her the door. What an insensitive woman she is.
It doesnt matter how the child comes in to the family as long as it is loved and cared for. 
You will make the better parent because you wont take your children for granted.
Good luck when you go to panel and hope you dont have to wait too long.

Love Kimx  x x


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi Val

I was so saddened to read your post about your 'friend'.

I think that you are very brave to have been able to deal with the comments that she was making about how easy it will be for her to concieve.  This in itself is totally insensitive given your situation.  Yes she deserves to have people be happy for her, but you deserve to have respect and sensitivity over your infertility.  After all this is not something you choose to have.

As for feeling second best for adoption, this couldn't be further from the truth.  The sheer fact that you are able to give unconditional love to a child that isn't biologically yours shows what an amazing and special person you are.  A special person that will give a child or children the love and family that they too are being denied.  

I see Adoption as a very special act of love and devotion, something that I am proud to be doing.

Please don't let her comments get you down, just rise above them as you clearly are the better person.

Take care

T x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Val

Sorry to read about your so-called friend's comments. How dare anyone be so very insensitive and rude - let alone directly to a friend's face. It's appauling.  

Even now, after we've thankfully adopted our baby girl and we are well and truly over the whole infertility thing, I still can have the odd day when I'm feeling hyper-sensitive and wonder how people can go on about how much trouble their pregnancy or child has been and there's people like you and me who would die (literally) to have their kind of trouble!!
I'm sorry to say but through my own experience, I've learnt that anybody who hasn't  been where we have, can have the slighest clue of how touchy the subject is.

As for second-best, complete and utter twaddle!! Let's face it, those who fall pregnant as easy as look at a man, have their babies because "it happened". And people like us, who've already been to hell and back, would do anything at all to have a baby - and will do anything to please anyone just to be given the chance.
If those who are so ignorant could just have 1% of the pain and desperation we feel, then they may appreciate the hurt they can cause.

Our daughter feels more than just a member of the family now, and that's because she is so very special and every family member and true friend have been waiting with open arms, as long as we have. 
Adopting a child is the most precious and rewarding thing in the world and fills us with complete love and pride.

Please don't let these comments hurt too deep, keep striding on with your journey and good luck xx


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## *Kim* (May 5, 2002)

Just had to say a girl i know was adopted along with her twin sister. The parents went on to have biological children too. When they argued the twins used to say 'mum & dad didnt have any choice with you but they chose us which makes us more special' 


love Kimx x x


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## maddi (Jul 1, 2005)

hi val 

just to let you know I'm adopted ,and anyone can be a mum but it takes someone very special to be able to adopted so just remember that when your feeling down 
GOOD LUCK 
love Mddi xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Oh Val with so called friends like that you don't really need them! Sorry but that's how I feel about them & I don't even know them!

She's not only upset you but every other person who has chosen to adopt. 

I've adopted 2 children & they are ours, they even look like us, the poor things!
We know everything that there is to know about our children, our SW's made sure we had all our questions answered & that includes knowing where our children "came from".

Don't feel you are second best, I don't, I feel what we have done & all the other adopted parents out there, is something wonderful.  We have taken a child/ren into our hearts & homes & given them the love & security that they wouldn't have got if they had stayed with the BP's.

How many people can actually say they have been approved to be parents?  It's a pity that those who actually conceive by just looking at a man, are not assessed to see if they are suitable to be parents.  

I hope you are feeling better today & the bottle of beer helped!  Remember most of us have gone through what you are experiencing at this moment in time, you soon find out who your true friends are.  Your true friends are the ones who support you 100% through the good times & the bad.

September will soon be here, to soon for me, my Little one goes to school then - I'm dreading it & she can't wait!, lets hope you don't have to long to wait & you know you have friends here on FF. 

Sending you a big hug
Superal
XX


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Val

I think the girls have hit the nail on the head in their replies. People in her shoes simply do not understand the anxiety of wanting to parent. Adopters and their children are special people.

We were at a BBQ last weekend and my eldest was running me ragged. A "so called friend" turned around and said "Its just the same when they are your own". Well I am sorry they are my own. Another friend who has adopted his wife's two children froma previous marriage went and gave him what for as he was not happy and an apology was forthcoming.

Here's a poem that the FM of my little girl had as she had adopted one of the children she had fostered.

_Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
Bt still mraculous my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it._

Good luck for September, you will make a fab mummy anyone dedcated to such a process is going to make some children very happy.

Love
Karen x


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## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Wow !!! thanks for your replies girls, you really have made me feel better.

I hope I didn't give the impression that I thought adoption was 2nd best because that wasn't what I meant. It was just I felt like some sort of infertile leper and wasn't prepared for such a remark. I'd never want IVF again and felt so relieved when I stepped off the rollercoaster and started the adoption route.  Me and dh really feel that adoption is for us and dh actually said the other night that in a way he's glad the IVF didn't work because our child is out there waiting for us.

I think I was feeling a bit fragile last night and had a few tears but I was totally cool with my friend and didn't lose the plot. Dh said he was proud of how I handled the situation. Of course there are still going to be times when I feel a tinge of sadness that me and dh didn't have a child together but when we do adopt our child I just know I will love him or her just as much.

My dad died suddenly a few weeks ago    and so i'm still very much grieving, so sarcastic little comments from fertile friends don't help matters.

Thanks for your kind words girls, you've been great  

Val x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Val, so sorry to hear about your Dad.  I won't say too much about your "friend" as I think everybody has covered that really well.  Believe me we are not second best, it takes a lot of guts and effort to do what we are doing and we often get a lot more "genetic" detail on our children before we get them than "natural" mothers.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

Cindy


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Sorry to reply so late in the day... I am so sorry you had to go through that.. some people will NEVER cease to amaze me... and it's not even just fertile couples... I've had some amazing things said to me by people who have obviously forgotten what they went through to have their children (on line)!!

I always thing that this infertility lark has made me who I am today...and let's face it, the heartache we have been through is the one thing that has brought us to this decision to adopt.  And that, amongst other things, will make us better parents.  Not just anyone can adopt.. look what we have to go thru to get there (I'm not even on the assessment and I feel like I've been thru the mill.. lol).  

Sometimes I look at some parents who have had children easily and either have absolutely no idea how to deal with them, or don't cherish them one iota... and that makes me sad... and is a situation I would never want to be in... however much it would have avoided me a lot of heartache!!!

Good luck for September, will be following your progress...

Love C xx


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