# Birth mum is pregnant again! What to do?



## Dawn7

Hi,

I haven't been on here for awhile, life with 2 boys is pretty hectic. Anyway we've just found out BM is pregnant again!

She's also due to give birth in a couple of months, we've been told we would be asked if the baby is removed from her care and this is likely to happen.

I've also been advised we'd need to go through the process again as 2nd time adopters argh! 

Obviously we don't know the outcome and also it does take time to to grant the adoption order.  Just wanting to know if this had happened to you or anyone you know.

Would we look to complete HS whilst the baby is in FC? Could we foster to adopt to have the new born baby? Who names the baby? Our boys share the same bedroom, will there be a problem with 3 sharing if we can't move home? I have asked our Sw and we're ok to move, just need to get a mortgage, which could be a problem as DH is self employed. 

If we can't adopt the sibling, direct contact is an option, but I don't know if I could cope saying goodbye to a child we could of had potentially, plus what if we didn't like FC'S or new adopters lol

Any advice or opinions would be great, oh DH is happy with our 2 boys and think he's looking more to say no, I'd like to keep siblings together but BM is still in her 30's, where do we stop, she could have a couple more?

Thanks in advance

P.S we've only had our boys home 6 months, want to do the best thing by them two and having a 3rd child definitely changes the dynamics of the family. Just don't know what to do xx


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## Barbados Girl

Hi Dawn

Glad things are going well. Super tough decision but I would try looking at it like this:

1. What is best for the boys- timing, another sibling, less focus on them.
2. What is best for you and husband- do you want another child, do you want another child now, are you ready to go through it all, do you have the time for all three?

Others may disagree but I think you have to count out the birth sibling aspect at present. Of course it can be much better for birth siblings to be kept together but that may not currently be in the best interests of your family.

Good luck xxx


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## Dawn7

Hey Barbados girl, 

Thx for your reply, I know we definitely have to focus on our boys and they are settling nicely and thats one of our main worries. I feel blessed to have these two boys and i have time for a 3rd, i worry about silly things like the car, weve just got a new car and neither me or DH would want a people carrier (for me i only like small cars) Then theres the stress of moving and then going through the process again.mi know itd be easier and we'd know what to expect, but still no-one likes being judged lol Anyway, How are you and your family, are you still enjoying being a mummy? 

Xx


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## Sun Flower

Hi Dawn
we went through something very similar, at the time our LO had been placed with us at the end of March, we got a call mid June (so less than 3 months) to say BM was in labour!!! and would we consider foster to adopt and collect baby from the maternity hospital   to say we were shocked, scared, overwhelmed, nervous and excited all at the same time is an understatement!! It turned our world upside down

we were so scared of bursting the bubble of our new little family of 3, we were still getting our heads around being parents and our LO needed us so much, the bond was still forming and we didn't want to change things and upset his routine or put extra pressure on ourselves. I was so upset, I had always wanted a new born baby and saying no broke my heart. My DH said yes i said no   

In the end we made the decision to say no as we felt it was way too soon for our LO (and for us) it was awful and not an easy decision at all, but I can honestly say we made the right decision. However, 8 months on, we feel LO is now ready for little a brother or sister and I wish timescales were different but we have to live with our decision. We will be applying to adopt again later this year and add to our family (unless we get a call about BM being pregnant again before then!) 

I would say think about your LO's and what is best for them at this time, will they adjust to not only a sibling but also the upheaval of a house move? as their parents, you know them best but also think about what you could cope with day to day, and who you could call upon within your support network on a regular basis. There is no right or wrong answer, just what is best for you. Don't let your heart rule your head

If you want to chat, please feel free to PM me
good luck whatever you decide xx


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## Barbados Girl

So tough, isn't it?

Love being a mummy and would find it very hard to say no if I was put in the position but know our pixie needs more time with just us.


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## Assamaam

Hi Dawn.

I'm not currently in your position but know that some day after having a bio child I will be looking at adoption to complete my family so have been glancing through the adoption boards. I don't know what the best option for you is but in my opinion, and if it were me, I would adopt the baby. If you think that you and your boys are ready for a little sibling then go for it. If you think you are not ready but will like a sibling in future I still think you should go for it. The reason being you may not be ready now but in 6 months or so you could completely change your mind and know that there is a baby out there that you could have had but turned down due to short term lack of readiness in the grand scheme of things. You could even look back in 2 or 3 years (I've done this before) and think why didn't I make that other decision. It would have been difficult to adjust at the time but I would have been so much better for it now. 

If you aren't planning on your boys having a new sibling any time soon then it would probably be best to make the hard decision to say no. But if you feel like your family can cope then do it! Either way that's my views and I wish you all the best in your decision. x


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## Dawn7

Thanks Assamaam,

I knew Bm would get pregnant again, but never actually thought about what I'd want us to do about it, which is why it's hard.

I'm hoping that after speaking to all involved and a mortgage advisor we can make the best decision, knowing full well what we're taking on too.

Both our boys have potential FAS, which means new baby could too which could be a lot to take on. 

Listening to advice on here and from friends and family in so valuable to me xx


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## Sun Flower

Ive replied to your PM   xx


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## Wyxie

Wyxling's b/m gave birth 2 1/2 months after we had Wyxling.  We knew the baby was coming and it was always our hope to have her (at that point unborn) sibling.  We ended up bringing home our little boy when he was 10 months old.  There was another child due two months after that but b/m had a late termination.  We would never have been able to take that child.  The addition of her brother came too soon for Wyxling and although I would not be without our son, it was impossible to give both of the children everything they needed, or even come close on a lot of days.  I can see both the positives and negatives for both children now, and it's just the way our family is, I wouldn't change it, but I'm honestly not sure we made the right choice for the children at least in the short to medium term.  They do seem to be over time developing a more "normal" sibling relationship, but at times I would say their relationship is difficult, and not always healthy.

Regarding foster to adopt, that would be likely to include contact with birth family, which may be difficult to manage and hard to explain to your older children.  You would also expose your children to the risk of a child coming into your family who could be removed, and that could be devastating for them, and also increase their own insecurities.  This was something we flatly ruled out.  Wyxling would never recover from any child coming into our family and being removed again.

I am not trying to dissuade you, although I realise it might sound like it, just giving the perspective of someone who's done it, and still isn't sure if it was the right thing for the children.  I suspect that we may not know for some time.

I am sure at some point b/m is going to have another child, and I know that I am going to desperately want that child and find it devastating when we almost certainly have to say no.


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## Dawn7

Thanks Wyxie,

I do think foster to adopt isn't an option, as I wouldn't want to do the contact side of things. we're having to meet BP's the month before she gives birth. Can't believe we're having to meet her pregnant, knowing we potentially may not look to adopt her newborn, if it is potentially going to be removed. 

Need to see what our Sw, family finder and boys Sw have in mind and possibilities. I don't think our boys would suffer too badly as eldest has had to deal with a sibling moving in and they have other half siblings and they all got along when they got together and they both love babies.

My sister went to see a psychic and said I should go lol she could then tell me what we decide and if we'll be happy haha

I just don't want to regret our decision in years to come xx


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## littlepoppy86

Hello 

2 weeks before MP we found out potential match Bm pregnant and due 2months after placement.

We brought baby 1 home May and sibling born 2 months later. It was always a yes for us, we wasn't offered F2a but would have said no anyway 

Placement order took 6m and we brought sibling home last month. I'm still on my original leave from work so in total will get 20m off work.

When we got home for the first few weeks I regretted what we had done. Our first boy was so perfect and here we was with a baby who cried and I felt stressed out I couldn't be 100% for both boys. 5 weeks later I an SO SO happy. I still can't give both boys 100% because when one needs me the other needs me too and they're both under 20montjs so two babies is hard!! 

Feel free to PM me. Good luck :-D xx


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## mafergal

Hi Dawn, not sure if you are still reading this post but we are in the same position!  BM is due in July and SW's say if the child is removed they would first look to us etc.  Our son has settled in so well and every time we have a visit we all feel the need to fill the time.  Our situation is very much full of if's, but's and maybe's.  However IF the sibling is removed and a placement order sought, and IF we were to say yes, then the SW's stated that they would look to place the sibling with us under foster to adopt.

Understandably we were very much in shock when we heard the news as we found out during the 3rd review.  But from what we can remember they said we wouldn't need to go through the whole process again, that we would have to do an addendum to our current approval along with letters of support from our SW and our son's SW about this placement and then go to panel to get dual approved for F2A.

With regards to contact, we wouldn't have to do that, a SW would but the logistics would need some working out as we are over 200 miles away.  F2A is by no means without risk, but if BP's circumstances have not changed since (or indeed they have got worse) then the risk is minimal.  F2A should not be considered or offered if it is not extremely likely that a PO is issued.  I'm not sure where we stand with that level of risk if it was presented us...?

I hope you, your husband and boys are all well and that this situation is a little clearer for you!

x


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## mafergal

Hi, not sure if anyone is still following this but wondered if you had any more news Dawn?

As I mentioned above we were notified of the same back in April. We had literally heard nothing since until yesterday when DW got a call from from the family finder who placed our son with us.  She basically confirmed the due date in July and mentioned an 'early permanence' placement to us when LO is 6 weeks old! Not sure if this means F2A or something else. No other information as yet and we know we need to have lots of discussions before we make any decisions. I'm just struggling a little with the thought that LO is due in a month's time and there must be so much to do, meetings, maybe assessments etc. 

I just started back at work this week and the thought of telling my boss I will need more time off for adoption meetings and could be off again is not filling me with happiness  

x


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## mafergal

I figured I would update this thread to maybe provide some information for anyone else who finds themselves in this situation or one similar as I haven't been able to find much and I believe this type of scenario isn't too uncommon.

Just a little background about our situation; We adopted our son via a VA and were extremely lucky that the LA placing our son wanted a family from out of the area.  We were approved with our VA in Apr 2014, linked to our son in the June, matched and introductions in the August.  We have just received the adoption order this month and we are a couple of weeks away from our son's full birth sibling being born.  The plan for the baby is adoption and for him to be placed with us under foster to adopt.

Things are a little clearer now and it looks like things are going ahead.  We asked to proceed and be assessed and we were sent a big pack of forms in the post.  We signed and sent in the official 'expression of interest' form, several forms for stat checks to be completed that involved several duplications of our addresses for the last 10 years and work history.  We were sent another set of medical forms to complete (which this time the LA will pay for) so they have been submitted to our GP and we are now awaiting our appointments.  

Apparently we don't need another DBS check as they are valid for 3 years as long as they are for the same purpose.  We need to have a 2 day assessment with the LA SW to basically update our original PAR and cover the fostering aspect.  Baby is due in a few weeks, once born and then the applications for the removal orders will be submitted.  If all goes to plan everything should be in place for our AP in August, where we would get ratified as foster carers on the same day, have the life appreciation day followed by 3 days of intro's before we would take over as foster carers.  Once the placement order was made, all fostering payments would cease and we would then have to go to MP.  Once ratified, we could put in for the AO immediately, no need to wait the 10 weeks.

My head is still in a spin, so far since this news we haven't physically seen any SW to talk about this.  I think I may have put my foot in it slightly last week as I phoned our SW just to clarify a few things... but we knew more than her as the LA hadn't contacted her at all or shared any information (despite her efforts to contact them over the past few weeks). I'm getting the impression the LA want to freeze our SW and VA out, as they will be approving us etc. I thinks some politics may come into play here but hopefully this will be sorted soon.

On a positive note, I told my boss about our situation last week.  Bless him he was really sweet about it and supportive.  I just want things to start moving now and for boxes to be ticked.

x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Wow what a roller coaster well done for managing it all so well. Hope everything goes smoothly from here. I think they'll be freezing your original agency out for financial reasons if they don't include them at all they can't request any payment for their involvement  Xx


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## becs40

Hi Mafergirl good luck. Just a point re fostering payments these should still be in place until you've been to matching panel and the decision ratified. The 10 weeks of placement before ao can be applied for still stands it's just because it will take longer than 10 weeks to get a placement order issued so it kind if cancels it out. Just wanted to clarify that as may be different if someone else does foster to adopt in a different situation ie relinquished baby or baby moved to foster to adopt either closer to or even after placement order has been made.


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## mafergal

Thanks Becs, that makes sense re. the 10 weeks and MP. Although I'm guessing they will book MP & ratify ASAP 



Mummy DIY Diva said:


> Wow what a roller coaster well done for managing it all so well. Hope everything goes smoothly from here. I think they'll be freezing your original agency out for financial reasons if they don't include them at all they can't request any payment for their involvement Xx


Thanks DIY, I think the financial reasons make sense but I had an interesting call from our agency today. They are really good and really supportive of us and actually bought up the subject of inter agency fees. They basically said they would happily update our PAR and run the adoption side of things and would not request any fees because, and in these exact words, "It's not about the money, it's about giving you support and supporting **** ".  

x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What a lovely agency.  I hope they agree I think it's important to feel someone is in your corner xx


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