# 10 weeks in and struggling



## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi

I'm reading all these wonderful posts and threads about positive stories and also problems most of us have now or experienced. I read how some people knew they loved LOs, how they were perfect, their families are complete or it was meant to be. I don't feel any of that. I struggle to like him most days and can't imagine ever loving him. 

Am I really alone? 

Kx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Katie,

I'll pop back later with some useful advice (hopefully). You're not alone and I really struggled with my emotions in the early days (yep 10weeks in you are still finding your feet).

I had a huge amount of commitment for my boy and I loved what we would become but we faced daily aggression and really worrying behaviours in the first year that made it such an effort to focus on bonding only. We did that but to the detriment of me a little. I found it quite isolating and a lot of brain energy used worrying about the future.

Over 3yrs later I can safely say we have a wonderful little family and my boy is the best thing to happen to us. Keep the faith and I'll update (or some of the other wonderful folks on here who kept me sane!!).

You're doing a fab job and please do it underestimate how tough it is to take on a little stranger and help them with their strong feelings.
X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi Katie,

When we adopted our AD I loved her as my daughter but as a person / child it really took me quite a long time to love her - she was very hard work, screamed at me from morning to night and I really struggled with it. It didn't help that she was only 12 months and all my family thought she was perfect so I could never have an honest conversation with them about it. I think it took over 6 months for me to actually enjoy her - in the meantime I maintained my sanity but starting to run. When my husband got in of an evening I would go out for a run and be alone for a bit.

It really does change, it's such a hard thing to bring a child who doesn't know you and you don't know her into your home and learn to be family.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

How old is the child?


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Katie

Your definately not alone in feeling this way. As Tictoc posted I too liked/loved my LO as a little boy for well over the first 4-5 months of placement. Fortunately we didn't have to contend with any really challenging behaviour from him and I'm certain this would have impacted further in the bonding process. That said we are now almost 18 months into placement and I genuinely cannot imagine a day without him. I love him so much, but it has taken quite some time to feel this way. 

Very few of us could say that we fell deeply in love with our OHs from day 1. Our relationships deepen and our strength of feeling intensifies the longer we stay with our partners and the more we get to know them. This relationship is no different in that sense, so at 10 weeks in it is still early on. I can't speak for every adopter, but for myself and a great deal other adopters that I know it was close to a year in or more before they could genuinely say they felt for their LO's. Hang on in there.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Katie, it is such an isolating time.  There is so much change for you all that it can take a while to catch up.... Not to mention behaviours etc.
Do you have any other adopters near by for support? I think people don't like to admit how it really is.  Outwardly we have everything we ever dreamed and battled for and everyone thinks you should be jumping for joy.... Some are, some aren't.
You will slowly get there.  Keep talking xxx


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## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. Gertie thank you it sounds very similar. 

Tictoc - I started running during IVF to keep me sane but been seeing physio for an injury who's said no running -  so I really really really miss that getting out and running it off release! Similar family issues I think too.

Cosmopolitan - He was 3 years old in January.

He is sociable and friendly when we're out and about and seeing friends and family but always testing me/us at home. That's what I was expecting, and not an easy ride but I think I've put pressure on myself thinking ' I should feel like he's my son' and I don't. I suppose after all these years I had a romantic view that it would be a fairytale ending to the hurt.  But you're all right it is only 10 weeks which isn't long at all. I think it's dealing with everyone else's expectations. Plus I feel guilty for missing work.

My family don't get it. At all. Yes he's 3, but he's scared, doesn't trust us and with good reason with his history. The main thing that gets me is the 'all kids do that' attitude. Yes but you love your kids, know them and they trust you! I'm hoping to find like minded people at a theraplay group we started last week. 

Weemoofrazz - thank you. That makes me feel better. I'm so used to having a career, knowing what I want, what I'm doing and now I haven't a bloody clue!!! 

Thanks forgetmenot. I think you're right, I seem to be just getting the joys from friends who adopted years ago not the reality. Maybe it's like child birth they forget it's truly painful bit just the lovely child! 

 Kx


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## Blueboo (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi Katie
This to me is totally normal, especially after 10 weeks. In all honesty I hated the first few months and resented my 2 boys for messing up my nice calm, self-centred life. And I hated myself for not being able to love them after being so desperate to have them. At this stage I think as long as you are providing LO with everything he needs, and faking it enough that he feels safe and secure, then you are doing great. It will come. I just refused to believe people when they told me that, I thought 'maybe for you, but I can't imagine ever feeling like their mum'. I had post adoption depression, so was put on anti depressants and had counselling which helped. It has now been a year and we feel just about like a 'normal' family and I can say that I love my boys and wouldn't be without them. 
I liken it to marrying someone you've seen on a dating website. Would you fall in love with them in 10 weeks?!! I think it's totally natural for it to take time for the love to come. 
Hang in there, it does get better, I promise.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Some great advice from this wonderful board as always. If you ask a lot of women you will find quite a few who do admit feeling like this after a birth child (might not admit it til after a few cocktails). The change from going to career to stay at home and a couple to a family is such a big jump. In adoption land we also don't have the newborn who you can hand over to family/friends when the going gets tough.

Things that I used to get me through:
Carved out some me time by going to late opening shops when DH came home & took over LO (I avoided most kid chat and stuck to other light chat that helped me feel human & more f the old me)
Meet a friend for coffee one eve or Sat morning without LO
Found a few adopters near me who got it more (albeit they had smoother journeys or so it seemed)
On tough days, I took the dog out & walked for ages in the dark/early morning when DH was home with LO - could you maybe still walk if running isn't an option?
Also don't be afraid of asking your SW to link you with other adopters nearby

Good luck & this board was my god send. My mantra became its a marathon not a sprint and it's so very true!
Xx


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## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

My lovely husband has just read this and said what brilliant, supportive women you are and hopefully there are other women feeling better after reading this even if they don't post. 

Blueboo - I can relate to everything you've written about. We were just talking about faking it and how well we feel we are doing all things considered! 

Gertie - He's now in pre school 3 mornings a week, but I've been busy at home with housework and shopping or meeting friends with their kids (for him) which can make you feel worse sometimes. I'm going to make an effort to do me things on these days, non child related or even go out in the evening. We have 2 dogs so can get out with them more. Seeing physio now Fri hoping he'll say ok to running again even if only a couple of miles.

I am so grateful for your honesty and genuinely feel better about things and just going with the flow rather than what I 'should' be feeling. Thank you again.

Kx


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Katie76 I totally understand how you feel,we are now nearly two years in with adoption order etc and my lb is mine and my husbands world, we adore him and love him as I imagined we would during asssesment but, big but, it took a long time for this to happen for me especially , for the feeling of guilt to fade that it wasn't instant love snd adoration and that sometimes I really did not like him and that I sometimes sat and wished we had not done it? I grieved my previous selfless life, missed work as it was a huge part of my identity and to be honest I gave up with groups etc and play dates as I felt so obviously different to all the other parents and our post adoption group evaporated as no one really bothered.  I so wish this advice from all these other amazing ladies who have responded to you had been visible to me when I felt like this as it is so so true, you will grow to love each other, he will learn to trust you and it will be the most rewarding feeling for you in the world,  yesterday my lb was tired and sat on my lap for a cuddle and he sighed and said what a lovely mummy you are, my heart melted and i can honestly say I never thought he would feel like that with me as he really didn't trust women but now I honestly feel he was meant for us snd you really will too, this is coming from someone who thought about disrupting their placement due to feeling he would be better with fc and that I was basically sh*t at being a mum....he was so traumatised with the move and he was only fourteen months and it affected him hugely.  I hope I am making sense and please pm me anytime if you need to rant or chat huge huge and understanding to you xxxxxx


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/adoption-was-harder-than-we-could-have-imagined---but-our-extrao/

/links


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

what gertie said about the even with a birth child bit... there was a while when it all felt like hard hard work and nothing back and i couldn't imagine then really feeling connected. But the thing is you need to find some sharing stuff. My toddler says peeo, peeo, and wants to play my piano. Which is the most most glorious feeling to me in the world because if i could have chosen any soul to be my baby it would have been one who shared my passions. I didn't know he'd like it and he might well grow out of it, but right now, it is something we can totally share. Find something you love and show it to them, teach them what you need. Because then you will find common ground and amazingness. good luck.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Interesting the comparison to birth children, no doubt people struggle with birth children but personally I didn't find it to be the same. I had a birth child first and no I wasn't an instant love kind of person with him either but there was no struggle to come to really love him. With adoption it felt so different and sometimes not quite right that this little person already had a life before you - you are not there be all and end all from the beginning like you are with a birth child and personally I found it took a lot longer for the love to grow.

I was lucky to have a friend who adopted at the same so we could rant at eachother.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

please don't think i was trying to say it was the same i know it is very different, i was just trying to put some context to my point about finding some common ground, a shared passion.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Totally normal feelings (in my experience!)

It's really hard work, I struggled with my daughter for a long time, she rejected me, was violent towards me and her behaviour was extremely difficult. Having said that I felt committed to her, I had chosen her not the other way round, it was my job to make it work..... this obviously creates more pressure, especially when everyone around you only sees the loveliness of the situation...!
There was a lot of 'faking it' here  
Also she didn't smell like us, sounds insignificant but it's really not...
It takes a long time and the love creeps up on you
Keep posting Katie xx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi goldbunny - I didn't mean to make it sound like people don't have problems bonding with birth children too so apologies if I did.

Katie - as crazy spaniel says keep posting and use this forum to vent your frustrations until it starts to feel more 'normal'


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## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

Roonie - that article was very good, considering her book although if friends and family read it probably more useful! 

Crazyspaniel - whatever the fc washed with it made my clothes smell when washed with his. It smelt of their house and not us. We decided to donate to charity than keep it and only a few things that weren't too bad we've kept. Buying clothes for him helped me I think. 

Goldbunny - that sounds a good idea, now to think of something (tbh running is my only passion!) I'll have to spend some time on that one  

He doesn't like physical contact which I find difficult, and it's always on his terms. But this morning he ran to me telling me to join him blowing kisses to Daddy who was off to work. He doesn't do kisses, at all either way. So this feels really positive even if they're blown does that make sense?! Anyway I'll keep posting, we've got the dentist this morning - wish me luck!!!   Kx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Katie - I know he is 3 and you might think he is a little old but could you get hold of a running buggy and run with him. My little boy loves it - he giggles the whole time whilst we are out running. It's a very different run as tends to be much shorter cos it's hard work!


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## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

It's certainly worth looking into Tictoc!   I imagine half the distance feels twice as far!!


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Try anything Katie I tried so many things some worked some backfired, slinging for me was a complete disaster haha I can honestly look back and laugh at some of those darker days when I felt so alone and scared that I was getting it all wrong, be kind to yourself too and as for your lb not being very affectionate I relate, our little man was totally touch resistant the day he casually rested his hand on my knee when I was sitting down was a huge milestone and took s long time to come, now he is a huggy affectionate little boy of three who told me again today "i love you mummy all the stars" all because I let him help pay at the petrol station!!! xxx


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