# Male factor IF - end of my marriage?



## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Hi all. 
Weve been married 13 years, trying for 5 years. We have a DD from our second course of ICSI treatment. She is 10 months old. We have done an ICSI cycle in Jan and it failed. Were on a FET cycle now and im in the 2WW.

We have male infertility. Sperm don't swim well so we have to use ICSI. 

I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago and its hit me hard. I would have liked 4 children but it took 4 years to get 1 and now im too old. Im constantly questioning whether I did the right thing in staying once we knew we needed IVF. My husband wants to stop now and settle with our 1 child but I don't. So this FET I feel like ive done on my own and he is disinterested. 

I feel so sad all the time and I just feel I cant do the infertility treatments anymore. I hate going to the clinic, I hate feeling sad. I just want to be normal. Our sex life also suffered as both of us thought sex was pointless as we couldn't get pregnant. Its not so bad now but its very hard to separate sex and creating a baby. 

I find myself now thinking more and more I might leave my husband. I do think the chances of me finding a new man who wants a family quickly are near zero but I cant stop thinking about it. I love my husband very much and he is a great dad. But my yearning for another child is overwhelming. We have agreed if this FET doesn't work we will do IUI with donor sperm. But I don't want a baby with a bloke I don't know. 

I don't think ive ever felt so unhappy 

Sorry for such a negative post.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh KLconfused, such a sad post.  I really feel your pain xxxx

Turning 40 was a huge hurdle for me, a mahooosive one.  I thought that I would at least have one child by the time I hit that milestone.  We're told a million times what a fertility cliff 40 is, it's hard to come to terms with even though it isn't necessarily true.  I also thought (again primed by teaching, media, films etc) that I would have everything sorted by the time I hit 40, it would be our settling down period.  I still don't feel like I've left the start line yet though!

I don't already have children but I do really sympathise with how you're feeling and I am so sorry that you had to go through your FET alone.  You've clearly been through a huge amount over the last few months, so it's no wonder that you're feeling really down.

I can understand why your DH may be feeling that he has had enough, I think that we all have different tolerances to stress and the amount that we put ourselves through.  My DH already has children and never felt the urgency that I do, he wouldn't be doing this at all if he didn't have to.  Saying that though, we had to reach a huge crisis for him to realise that we needed to keep trying for now, because I am nowhere near ready to give up.  Eventually, I may have to (though everything crossed that is because we have happy news) but I don't think that anyone can tell you that it is time until you are ready.

It's a silly question, but have you both talked through how you are feeling and perhaps looked at how long you are going to / can keep going for?  My DH is very analytical, he needs structure and targets that he can work towards, those are his coping mechanisms.

What are you doing to relax and cope?  I hope that you can find space and time to look after yourself.

Sending you lots of


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I had to reply to your post and I apologise in advance for being direct.
1. Even if you find someone suitable, what guarantees you will get a child with him? Most probably you will find someone your age or older who already has kids. And those kidscan ddisrupt your life to a huge extent.
2. You have a daughter. Her step-father wouldn't care for her as much as her dad. On the contrary, could see her as a burden only.
3. If your husband is a good man who doesn't create major problems, why to break the family? Keep trying with if.  Take the vitamins for egg quality, give him as well. Take care of your life style. You really never know. There are women who are 45 and they get pregnant with their own eggs.

going for another man to me looks like gambling a lot.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

I don't usually post on this part of ff but I saw this and it got me thinking.

I entered a relationship with my dh knowing he was infertile. I always wanted kids but that was the position. Dh had a reversal which failed and at that stage we considered our options.
We never had any further treatment we adopted instead. We have 2 amazing boys who are not genetically ours but belong to us completely. 
My dh felt like a failure when his reversal didn't work and we considered donor sperm but discounted it. In theory there is nothing wrong with me but I don't feel I've missed out.
Your dh needs your support and understanding. You have a baby which many people don't get fromtreatment. I appreciate this doesn't make things easier but maybe you should concentrate on what you have.
There are other options and I don't feel second rate for having a family via adoption.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

...and from my perspective, being over 40 wasn't/isn't a dealbreaker.... sure, it's not ideal, but i only started ivf at 41. so try not to dwell on the age thing. i think the idea of diui sounds like a great compromise but of course you have to feel right about whatever solution you go with. have you thought about fostering -forgive me for asking that since it's obviously not the same - but maybe it would fill some seats around the dinner table..


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your replys. I know this my feelings aren't common on FF and maybe its taboo to say a partner might want to leave someone because of IF but I know its happens. Sorry if I offended anyone.  

I know there are no guarentees if I try to meet someone else. Im aware of that. 

I just feel so sad all the time. I haven't got to the stage where ive accepted IF. I know that sounds mad given were 5 years down the line now with a beautiful DD. I just see so many mums in my NCT group planning their second baby and I just want to be like them. Its hard when I could possibly have that with someone else, I know ill never get that with my husband. 

I know there are so many people on here doing fertility treatment who haven't got a child yet. But I don't feel lucky. I just feel less unlucky than those who haven't been successful. The lucky ones are those that bonk a few times and get a baby. 

We have had a terrible few years and I think the recent ICSI failure was the straw that broke my back. I just want to run away from all of it and all the memories. Im on a lot of drugs for the FET and I feel very peculiar. My husband also thinks I have depression. I just cant seem to pick myself up. Maybe leaving my husband is more about leaving all the crap behind than anything else. 

I don't have anything I do to take my mind off it either. I don't need to work which im grateful for. All my NCT mums are back at work. I used to compete my dogs but one died recently aged very young and the other 2 have long term injuries. So there really is nothing I do except look after my daughter all day and think about IF. 

Sorry for such a depressing rant. I know its hard enough to keep positive without me going on.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'm sorry your dog died. So hard to have that loss on top of everything else.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

KL

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a hard time and you're feeling the way that you are.  IF is cruel and changes all the dreams and the directions we always thought our lives would go in.

Things happen to lots of people that they have no control over everyday, it is horrible, heartbreaking and unfair but unfortunately it is life.

If you are genuinely unhappy in your marriage for any reason it needs addressing, have you been to counselling?  I think it would help you to talk through your problems and worries, you could go alone or even better take your partner.

I don't need to tell you how fortunate and blessed you are to have your miracle daughter, enjoy your time being a mum to her rather than constantly thinking about the future as one day you will look back and regret it.  

Take care of yourself  

Dory
xxx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Dear KL,

It's so important that you get your feelings out, whatever they are.  I think it's crucial that you can acknowledge how you feel, however taboo you may feel it is.  It's brave and I admire you for it, your feelings aren't bad or wrong. To me it is not surprising that you feel this way and that you are having fantasies about leaving your husband and finding another man who can provide you with what you want, because in the fantasy everything would be okay.  Although in reality, as cosmopolitan4112008 said , it is unlikely to make everything okay.  Maybe that's what you need to try to look at, trying to come to terms with the reality? The fantasy of leaving is probably in fact reinforcing how bad you feel  .  You could get some support with that, from a counsellor maybe?  If you are depressed this could help too.

I also get the sense that you could be trying to fill a gap with a second baby? You say you don't work and you don't have anything else to focus on and I'm wondering if you did have something else, something just for you it may help overtime?  If you don't have to work could you use that opportunity to do something new?  

It sounds like you're having such a painful time and like you say you want to run away from it all, no wonder, this is all so hard at times and it can make us feel so desperately low.  I do hope you can find some peace with it all


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Dory's right IF is a horrible and destructive place to be, I've been there a lot but I'm trying to be happy with the IS now.  It's very difficult to change your way of thinking, but it is possible.

Hopefully, you're just struggling with depression at the moment and it all feels so much bleaker than it actually is.  It can sometimes feel impossible to separate your feelings about trying for a baby and your relationship with everyone else in your life.  It's confusing, and maybe it would help you to talk to someone about figuring out how you're really feeling and finding a constructive path forward with your DH. 

I have to come back on the future options though.  There is a chance that you could meet someone older and with children, it's fairly inevitable but not definite.  Even if you do, it may not be the end of the world, you may get more out of it than you ever thought possible (I speak as both a step mother and a step child).  Life is full of maybes and sometimes we do have to take a risk.

Life in a step family is hard and can be heartbreaking but it is also wonderful and rewarding.  Yes, it's hard to begin with but I would definitely disagree that I don't care for my step children in the same way as their parents.  I will never have the same precious bond as their parents do with them but I love them, they enrich my life and I do theirs. They benefit from two families who love them to pieces and would do anything for them and they have more amazing life experiences than perhaps they would have if things were different.  That's not to say that there are couples who struggle but don't let it put you off making a decision that is right for you. xx


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## Lovelypup (Oct 7, 2013)

I feel the same! I found out my dh was infertile 2 weeks before our wedding. That was 6 months ago. It's been such a disastrous start to married life. I've lost all enthusiasm and joy for anything and have put on a stone in weight. I fantasise about leaving him. I don't think your feelings are that uncommon.
But do you love your husband? Maybe your unhappiness is just making you doubt it? Does he love you? If you don't work, does he work and support you and your daughter? Don't you feel like you owe him for that? Wouldn't you still want to stick around if he didn't have this medical issue? He would fix himself if he could. I love my husband but I do admit that I resent the pain and suffering he is causing me (but it's not his fault obviously). I'm struggling with the same things you are. It makes me really angry that his dodgy sperm is a barrier between me and my dreams. But tell myself fate/God brought is together and so it is meant to be.
I have a very stressful job and I honestly think that helps as from 9-6pm I don't think about infertility once or see a baby. (I've also come off ******** as my newsfeed was just rammed with pics of babies!) You won't feel like it because you are depressed but working could probably help you feel less stuck. Good luck whatever you decide x


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi KL,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low   I know looking in from the outside the answer to other people's problems seems obvious & in reality things are never simple, but would staying with your husband who loves and cares for both you and your daughter and having donor sperm AI/IUI for a second baby not be the best of both worlds?

In our relationship, it is me who couldn't conceive naturally due to tubal damage, so IVF was our only option. I really admire ladies who go through all that due to MF when they have nothing wrong with them, because if the boot had been on the other foot, for me it would have had to be donor insemination.

On my third cycle, I couldn't face going through stimms again so we used DE, & neither my partner or I feel like he's had a baby with someone else. She's ours, & it really doesn't matter where a cell came from when the result is the family you crave. I would also happily have adopted had we been able to clear all the social services  hoops which we actually looked at first before IVF.

I can't carry another child as I had placenta accreta. In a way it is a relief that the prospect of further IVF isn't a decision I have to make, & it also no longer matters that I can't conceive, as there would be no more babies for me even if I hadn't needed IVF for my lovely girl. It will always be hard though to see others popping out siblings as she grows, but I also know that one IVF baby brings more joy than ten children to somebody who can have them easily & I treasure her all the more for it.

I really hope your FET works and leads to happier times for you, the IF journey is so cruel. If it doesn't work this time though, you're not alone & you do have options to explore without risking the family you've already worked harder than most for.

Take care,

B xxx


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## queenie81 (Nov 21, 2013)

This is a taboo viewpoint but I am sure that is isn't uncommon to feel the way you do. I think IF puts strain on ALL marriages at some point and I know my OH would rather not go through IVF and would rather remain childless as it's just all too much sometimes. My OH actually left for 2 months and we are rebuilding our marriage. It made me realise that my marriage comes first and babies come second. The grass is not always greener. 

I am the one with the problem due to tube damage and like others have said, I'm not sure how I would feel if it was the other way round. All I do know if that I blame myself a lot for our problems and it is very hard to be the one with the issues. I really would urge you to sit down with you OH to talk this through. I have been going to counselling with my OH and it has really helped. We are learning so many new things about each other. I really would recommend going if you can. 

With regards to the way you feel, have you thought about taking up some kind of hobby...I know that sounds silly but something that has helped me is learning something new and realising that life is not just about trying to make babies. I taught myself to restore furniture, to sew and also set up a support group for other ladies who are going through IVF. 

Also, have you tried mindfulness or/and meditation? It really helps you to deal with negative thoughts and appreciate the goodness in life. Again, I would urge you to look it up. It's amazing and has really saved me!

I know these things won't bring you the baby you long for but they may help you to look at the good things in life and deal with the emotional side of this. You have a daughter and you are lucky. ...40 is not too old and there are other routes open to you. I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh but there are things out there that can help you. It would be such a shame for you to leave the man you love   I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do x


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

I don't think your feelings are wrong or uncommon. Our infertility was entirely on my side and I STILL had days where I fantasised about leaving and everything somehow being alright and me having children - because I just wanted to run away from a horrible situation. I wanted out of the situation (not being able to have kids) and just wanted a quick fix. I think I would have found having a choice very difficult to cope with.

I found counselling quite helpful. She got me to do what she called the 'pleasure and distraction project', which was about focusing on other things for a bit. Like Queenie, I learnt to sew - which was completely distracting for me as I'm not naturally practical and I had to really concentrate. As I had to stop taking medication to control my endo while doing IVF, I was stuck at home a lot and had to find things I could pick up and put down (which I imagine is an issue with a 10 month old), so I also took up knitting and did an online course in English lit.


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