# just needed to let it all out!



## mrscass (Feb 24, 2012)

im not sure if i am posting this in the right place.... i just need to write what i am thinking and what i want to scream out to the world!! i feel so lonely even though my life is surrounded by family and friends! i just dont know who i can and cant talk to anymore! i feel like im fast loosing all my friends because they dont know what to say to me, at the same time i dont know what to say to them anymore! i cant talk to my husband about how im feeling and about our situation because it ALWAYS ends up in an argument! its been like that for the last 2 and a half years since we really did start trying for a baby... but now its got to the point where we end up not only arguing but seriously talking about separating, which really is the last thing i want to happen!! i love my husband so much but this situation is tearing us apart! i cant talk to my family because i weve never been close like that where i can talk about my problems, im always supposed to be the strong headed one! and now i feel like i dont know where i fit in on this forum.... i feel like its the end of the road but then i know that in a few years we will be able to try again    

In april we did our 1st round of ICSI after a failed vasectomy reversal in august 2010.... we used all our savings on this cycle!! i should have been testing tommorrow but it ended 2 weeks ago because of failed fertilization!    Its all still fresh in my mind about what happened and im really not over it! i cant and dont want to accept what has happened! But now to top it all off we went to the bank today to see about getting a loan to try again later this year, but we got a big fat NO!!! i feel like we have run out of options!!! even though i know that we can wait and save up, the thought of that just doesnt apeal to me! i feel like ive already waited long enough!! 

I just wish me and my husband wouldnt argue so bad! i really want us to be strong and be there for each other, but we both deal with things totally differently, i bottle things up and then let it all out at once and end up being an emotional wreck like i am now! and my husband tends to not talk about things and says he doesnt think about things that are out of his control. i do try to understand his way of thinking but at the same time i want him to understand me! I love him sooooo much and the last thing i want is for us to be over!!! Ive suggested councelling for me and then for us as a couple, be that fertility counceling or marriage counceling i dont know, i would prefer the first one! but we have to PAY FOR IT! i think its rediculous that we have to pay £90 a session it should be free!! how can i justify paying for it when we need all the money we can get!!

i really do feel like im stuck in a big hole that just keeps getting bigger and harder to get out of :-( if anyone reads this then please inbox me i really need someone to talk to!!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

men are a bit weird like that. mine says the same about not thinking about things that are beyond his control. he can't cope with visualising a hypothetical situation, even if to do so would be helpful.
he tells me i am 'over-analysing' every time i try and have a serious conversation. it's annoying but i have to accept that he just doesn't think the same way i do.
i can see how you feel lonely. i think when i have been lonely i have realised i needed to tackle it in two different directions at once. my dh (or yours) isn't going to wake up tomorrow and be world's greatest listener. so i need other people or forums to talk to, or diary entries, to help me organise my thoughts. i also need to work on communicating well with my dh - even if it is less than i want, the quality is important. i need to have conversations with him where i don't worry about 'what's on my mind' but focus on the communication working well. i think this might also apply to you. 
i hope you both manage to sort things out and be happy x


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## mrscass (Feb 24, 2012)

Hi goldbunny, thanks for replying to me! I was really on one the other night   i dont always feel like that just every now and again! I think im going to buy myself a dairy because i did actually feel better after after writing it all down on here. My DH also says im over analyzing things and that i shouldn't be spending hours on the internet looking at things related to IVF which is probably true but i just want to try and find out if there are any other options/treatments out there that could help us. He thinks we should just wait and see what the clinic suggests we should do. Which is probably true too! 
I think i will try and work on the communication thing, and try not to only want to talk about the treatment. That is easier said than done though when its always on my mind! 
I hope we manage to work things out properly and get back to being the happy couple we used to be xx


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## loukolth (May 1, 2012)

OK so I have only just joined FF's so this is all new to me.

So my background - My partner and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years, I'm 28 he's 39. We have unexplained infertility although there has been mention of low sperm mobility and count although nobody has actually come out and said that he is the problem.

Have just had 1st round of unsuccessful ICSI and I feel so depressed.

Throughout all our treatment - even before referral and just taking Clomid, I have reacted well to all medications. Blood tests and scans have been textbook. I had 19 follicles after stimulation but on collection only 11 eggs retrieved. When we got the phone call from the lab the following day, i was upset to learn that only 5 had fertilised. Even though this was very disappointing I was still hopeful that we were on track, all 5 embryos were of fantastic quality so should be OK.

2 days before embryo transfer we had a phone call to say that two of the embryos were not doing so well, 1 was OK and two were still of very good quality so we were still on tract to have day 5 transfer. the day before embryo transfer, I started to feel a bit "funny" bloated and sick. I called one of the nurses as I was concerned about hyperstimulation, but was told I was OK.

On the morning of the transfer and talking to the embryologist we learnt that one one was of OK quality to transfer and that the other 4 hadn't progressed enough to freeze. My heart sank, how could this be? What had changed in 48 hours? what did "OK" mean?

They scanned me before implantation and everything was as expected - textbook endometrial lining, the only slight abnormality was that one of my ovaries was slightly large -  very very mild hyperstimulation but sill all good to go!
The embryo transfer was very emotional. Seeing our embryo on the screen is something I will never forget - neither will the procedure! I have never experienced pain like it - the reason for the pain was because my ovary had tilted my uterus so when introducing the catheter the doc had to go round a bend. I had cramping for about a day after transfer but was told this was normal.

Eveything was going well until two days before taking a pregnancy test I started to get period like cramping and pain. I knew in my heart of hearts that it hadn't worked, that even the morning of the test I woke up at 7 took the test, read the results and then went back to sleep for an hour! I took time off work after transfer to finding out and have only been at work 5 days since.

That was about 10 days ago - I have cried everyday since. My partner has been amazing as have my parents (although it doesn't help that my brother is expected his 2nd in 2 months). My boss has been very understanding and supportive also. 

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I had a massive meltdown even a panic attack. I couldn't face work today and have visited the doctors. She wanted to put me on medication but I refused. She is referring me to a counsellor and gave me the number of a support group for women that have had miscarriages and abortions (not sure if that will help though!?) I have spoken to my boss and she is very good, I will not go to work tomorrow and will let her know what I want to do. 

So thats that really. Has anyone else taken the news so badly? Do I need to just get a grip? I'm also worried about how i am to cope with the next cycle. I have a 6 month wait before I can try again anyway. 

Thanks for letting me rant on, I do feel a little better for writing some of this down. I just wish that I could be normal and just have a baby....


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