# Shattered dreams



## sue Piddock (Aug 31, 2009)

After what has felt like the longest ever 2-week wait our hopes and dreams are shattered yet again.

The consultant’s last words to me as I left the hospital after embryo transfer were, ‘Prove me wrong’ well unfortunately I can’t. 

This was my second cycle of IVF and it’s been a rollercoster of emotions from start to finish. Firstly because we knew it was our last cycle on the NHS, secondly because I’m fast approaching 40 and thirdly because at our consultation we were told that if this one didn’t work as my eggs probably aren’t good enough, we would need to look at egg donors.

The hospital visits and the injections were all fine and my lovely husband supported me through it all and came to every appointment. Things were progressing really well and I was producing some really good size follicles. Egg collection day came and went without a hitch the embryologist came to tell us that they had retrieved 6 eggs. ‘Wow’ I thought that’s 3 more than before must be a good sign and left the hospital very sore but extremely happy.

The next day we got the call to say that only 2 of the six eggs had fertilised and that one had already divided so looked really good so the plan was to transfer 2 embryos on the Monday.

Monday morning came and we were due at the hospital for 2pm. The phone ran at 10am and the voice on the other end announced herself as the embryologist. My heart sunk. 1 of the eggs had not survived and the one that we have been told was looking really strong had not development any more and was still only 2 cells. They still planned to do the transfer that afternoon. We arrived at the hospital with very heavy hearts but both trying to put a brave face on things. Steve telling me to be positive and stay strong. The transfer went well but ‘2 cell’ as it became known over the next couple of weeks was fragile. ‘Don’t swim, cycle or get stressed was the advice we were given and off we trotted with our glimmer of hope that miracles might happen.

During the 2 weeks I look lots of rest. A couple of days I felt quite sick and didn’t know if this was a good or a bad sign. Everyone at work was brilliant and very supportive. As we got closer to today Steve and I started to face the fact that our chances were very slim and even discussed our other options. 

Well this morning at 6.30am I woke up fit to bust and could not hold on any longer. I rushed to the loo and waited the 3 mins for my test to reveal those words that deep down I think we both expected, ‘Not pregnant’. Steve cried but I couldn’t, I just felt numb and cursed my bad eggs. Poor Steve has had to go to work but at least being busy will help him. My tears come now, as I have to face telling everyone,

I don’t honestly know how we will both cope now or what our next step will be but we have to face the fact that we might never be parents. We have suffered 6 years of unexplained infertility and 2 cycles of IVF. Steve doesn’t want to put me through another cycle and the added stress of having a donor egg and still not having a certain outcome but also the extra stress of finding the money to pay for it. We haven’t ruled out adoption but the chances of adopting a baby are very slim. 

I have to now face the fact that I might never carry and give birth to our child and what affect this is going to have on us for the rest of our lives.


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## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Sue     - I'm sorry and just wanted to send a hug to you and your lovely DH.


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## olive22 (Oct 12, 2006)

sue - Im so sorry to read your story     for you and dh. Life is so cruel and I wish I could give you some answers. Take time together as a couple and grieve first. Hope you can find a way forwards


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## cherrycake (Jun 18, 2009)

Hi Sue

I know exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling right now - I am a bit further along than you,  I've had 2 x failed IVF's with my own eggs and then moved on to donor eggs thinking it would be the solution to our 8 year unexplained infertility nightmare (I'm 36) but I found out even that was not ment to be on the 2nd April  .  I can't face giving up yet though.  I found getting my head round my egg issue difficult at first as I was only producing 1-3 eggs but they were OK and always got to the 8 cell stage then my consultant gave me a 1% chance of any further IVF working due to my lack of eggs and low AMH - have you had yours tested? It might be your egg quality given your age but have you considered immune issues? I am now pursuing that route before I waste anymore money on TX.  You sound like you are a strong couple as we are and I think that makes all the diference, just support and love each other through this horrible time.  I was devastated when I found out I'd never have my own genetic child but realised I'd rather still be a mum by any means than be childless if I could help it.  Infertility changes you as people and changes you as a couple there's no doubt about that but don't give up Sue, until you know you are both ready.  Please feel free to PM me if you want to know anything about my donor journey  I wish you all the luck in the world Cx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

So sorry you are going through this hun.   

It is so heart breaking and so sad. 
I wonder how I will cope in a few weeks if it is a negative result after FET around the same time my baby would have been due. I ask why us, what have I done to deserve this?

I can't give up. I want to be a parent more than anything in this world.

We have had to come to terms with using donor sperm. My husband has found it excruciatingly painful to come to terms with his infertility and allowing an unknown man, who can do what he can't do, to try and get me pregnant. Once the baby is here, I know it will be different. I am 39 this year, and although I got a great response to the drugs last year, I wonder how long that will continue.
People have asked me whether I would use an egg donor if it was the other way around, and I would in an instant. I would be sad that I could not use my eggs, but I would still have the baby growing in me and get to nurture it from day 1. 
At least with egg donation, compared to adoption, you have the pregnancy and birth experience, breast feeding if you want to, no scrutiny of social workers and a baby if it works out.

You need time to grieve and come to terms with things, and see what is the best way forward for you, but I do not think that egg donation is a bad option. Counselling will help you to think about the various issues involved. 

BTW, we don't get any free treatment on the NHS, because my now infertile DH has a DS from a previous relationship. It makes it all the harder and feels very unfair on me.


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## Frindabelle (Apr 5, 2009)

Massive massive   to you hun. 
I just don't know what to say 
xxxxx


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## Suse14 (Mar 18, 2010)

Hi Sue, 

so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope time helps and you find a positive way forward soon!



Suse


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## sue Piddock (Aug 31, 2009)

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has read and or replied to my post.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and support it realyy has helped to know we are not on our own.

We have arranged a councilling session at the Chaucer next thursday and a follow up appointment in May. Then we are just going to put things on hold for a little while and get back to spending some time as a couple. We have a holiday booked for the beginning of june and then we will see what happens when we return.

I wish all of you lots of love and best wishes you really are a wonderful group of ladies.

Sue xx


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## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

Sue I am wishing you all the best too... Enjoy your holiday, you both very obviously deserve and need one.



Benett x


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## Angels4Me (Apr 8, 2006)

SUe: I really feel for you and understand all that you have said. Im at very similar stage and the realisation is devestating.  sorry I know words alone cannot help.  I'm looking forward to reading of better days for you (and me)   

I'm very lonely and exhausted in limbo land of depression that his me out of the blue after 2nd failed ivf.  I cant make any decisions until i feel better. The rage and disappointment of realising i will prob never have bio child. THink i need a fertiltiy counsellor, anyone know a good one? I also have choice of ivf with very very low odds or DE cycle and age issue as im 44

angels x


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