# In Limbo after panel approval - suggestions for staying sane??



## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi Ladies,

We passed our panel at the beginning of June and I am going slightly crazy sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.

Has anyone been through this who may have suggestions on not getting down with yet another long wait or how to not feel constantly on edge.

I honestly feel so tightly wound up I might explode soon.  I desperately want (sorry need) a holiday but dont want to book one incase something happens.  

I am also getting so frustrated with well meaning and lovely people asking if I have had any news and having the same conversations about Cameron speeding things up for adoption etc etc I know I am going to end up being rude to someone and upsetting them and I know its not their fault.

It like the 2WW all over again...


Ta


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Big hugs, honey - sorry you are finding this time so hard.

On the prep course this week, the SW's reminded us to go on with our lives and book those holidays, and do normal things ....... I thought "Easy for you to say - you have not thought about anything else but adoption for the past year!" 

Try to take some time for yourself and your DD, she must be as excited as you and enjoy the summer holidays - this time next year it could be so different


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Firstly congrats being approved, I really wouldnt put off having a holiday, nothing will spoil by you taking a 2 week break will it? Take your mobile so if you sw wants to phone and tell u of any potential matches she can and you can just arrange to see her when your back.  Just remember if you do go away this might be your last child free break so make the most of it!

Best of luck x


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## Maccer (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi KJB, 


I know exactly how you feel, we were approved in May and we are waiting by the phone too.  I am trying to keep myself busy by reading some suggested books.  We may start looking at decorating what will be the lo's room in October (hoping we hear something sooner than that, though), we can't do it at the moment as my eldest step daughter currently stays in that room, but she is off to uni in September.  I just feel like we should be doing something to prepare.  


I agree with the others though you shouldn't put off any holidays, try and keep things as normal as possible.  Just remember it may be last one as a couple for a while.  


Hope your wait isn't a long one.


Maccer x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks Ladies,

Maccer - I take it you are going slightly potty too? I can not bare to read anymore books or information and will not do anything to the room incase it never happens.  As you can read I am being terribly pessimistic and on a big downer.  I just feel like I am on the edge of my seat emotionally all the time and it is exhausting.  Have you had people ask constantly?  What have you done?

Our SW told us not to book anything in May or June (just incase we were matched immediately) which is when we could afford to go.  Now we are free as there are obviously no matches for us (so to speak to go) we can not afford to go as the prices have rocketed and my DD starts school in September so feel we have been robbed of our last holiday with her as we wont be able to go on one in school holidays as they are eye wateringly expensive.

Just feel poo - I HATE WAITING!!!!!

Sorry Ladies for being so negative.  I cant say these to hubby as he just says "never mind" and I want to scream at comments like that at the moment.


Hmmmmmmmm


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

congrats on being approved, we were approved last feb and matched june intros started a week later, it is a whirl wind when it happens and so quick


my advice have the hol, do everything you want to do as you will have no time after matching, get the rooms ready buy essentials etc
with 7 days between MP and intros we left a long list with parents of things that needed doing






this will keep you occupied!


best of luck


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

i would go on the hols too. horlicks to them.

and if for no other reason than to tempt fate.  if they find an absolute perfect match no way would they dismiss you because you're away, whats another week or two, considering the amount of time _they_ take?

i'd be annoyed about the price admittedly. i was fed up as they'd changed our venue for our panel today, and i wasted £2.70 parking in the city centre for 30 mins only to have to drive out to a suburb. i'm the last of the big spenders, me. plus i think they think we have money to burn or something.


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## Maccer (Feb 2, 2010)

Yes KJB, I am going a bit mad too.  I don't know what to do to relieve the waiting.  I said in my diary that I have found this waiting the hardest part of the process and we have only been waiting two months..  Your DH sounds exactly like my DP, he isnt as impatient as I am and I also get the 'oh well' response.  Maybe its a male thing.  All our friends & family have been asking since we were approved, tbh my dad is the worst of them all, it is literally every second day he sends me a text asking.  It really is doing my head in, I know I should be greatful that he is interested.  


We have a meeting with our SW next Monday and I am hoping that there is some positive news or if not I hope she can can suggest how long it may take or if there are any potential links coming through.  Have you been placed on the national register as of yet?  Our la only puts us on there three months after panel, your la may be different though.    One thing our SW did say is that there may be times when she will say nothing is happening but there are things going on in the background, so I keep thinking about that and it gives me a glimmer of hope as well as knowing it will be so worth the wait.  Such a pity about your holiday, can you not book a long weekend away somewhere? has your sw'er been in touch since you were approved?  

I am thinking of booking myself a full body massage soon, I need to unwind my body and mind, even for a little while.  I hope you are able to fing some sort of coping mechanism, if you do, please let me know! 


Maccer xx


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Feel your pain ladies. Our LA has no suitable matches for us and not on the National register yet. Anyhow saw a little one on BMP we really got drawn to and decided what the heck and inquired. Luckily SW approves and has now given us the go ahead to look. Hoping and praying not already matched and that there sw gives us more info if not I am headed for a big fall :O( No tips for staying sane im afraid as I am also struggling!!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I think we need to set up a post approval limbo support group as it is torture x

We are also not allowed to go on the national register until it has been 3 months.  Luckily I have been warned that they dont automatically do it you have to request it so it is in my diary for that to happen.

watakerfuffle - how long since you were approved?  I will keep everything crossed that the SW feels the same and you can continue on that journey x

maccer - we have a few days out booked, olympic tickets and we are going camping for 2 nights so i have stuff to look forward to but I am being extra selfish and want to just veg on a sun lounger with a cocktail and a good book and try and uncoil my wound up body.  I do mystery shopping for a living and have been offered 3 - 4 night holidays to a 5 * Spa in Tenerife etc all expenses paid and my DH wont go as he doesnt think it is fair that we get a lovely holiday while DD goes to Grandma's/Nanny's for 2 days each (the Spa's are adults only).  I disagree and think after the horrible 3 years we have had we deserve a treat and DD would LOVE to stay at her Grandparents where she would be spoilt rotten.

Our SW called to say we were officially approved from the decision maker but nothing else since.

I think I may book myself into a cheapy spa for the night and see if that makes me feel anymore postitive as hate being such a negative nelly 

Thanks x


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Been 7 weeks approved, I was all set for SW to say no to us looking but when she came back and said yes I was ecstatic!! At least I feel like I am doing something now to find our family x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

We were approved in the August and heard nothing for months apart from ... there are children coming through.... we haven't forgotten about you... I thought I was going mad. By the Christmas I was ready to explode. We booked a holiday, went for weekends away (at the same time worrying about finances!!) it was a crazy time. We didn't hear about our child until the May so 8.5 months after approval. I am so glad we did all the things we did, because we sure can't now!
You have no way of knowing when the phone's going to ring, so hard as it sounds, book things, *try* to live normally and try to breathe... because once you decide to move forward with a child, you won't have a minute and you'll be so glad you did everything!
Hope this doesn't sound patronising, but I put life on hold for five months and I regret that now


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## peanut butter (Jul 23, 2008)

How weird - I just logged on to post a 'help me, I'm going slightly mad after approval' message and found this thread!  We were approved in March and have a had a few possibles but nothing definite.  Am finding that I am struggling with the wait much more now than I have done through the whole adoption process. 

It is just like being on a 2 weeks wait again except it has been a 4 month wait so far. I check my phone every 5 minutes to see whether I have had an email.  We have lots booked in but its not helping very much.  Am so ready for this and am soooooooo sick of waiting for it to be our turn.

Best wishes to all of you waiting and


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

peanut butter - Sending you hugs.  Im going potty after a month it must be just a nightmare for you x   

jitterbug - no it doesnt sound patronising at all, thanks for sharing and good luck x


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## Maccer (Feb 2, 2010)

I think this post has come at the right time for a few of us.  Thanks KJB!


KJB - I could not turn that down, try and persuade your dh, because when you have another little one you def won't be able to get away, I think it's a fantastic way to unwind! 


Jitterbug you areright we need to live a normal as possible life we can until we do get that call.  It's just hard to put it at the back of your mind.  


Watakerrkuffle - it does help by searching but we haven't had any responses on the children we have
enquired about and it can be disheartening.  I hope you are having better luck and that you find your lo soon.    


Peanut butter - I hope you find something to help you deal with the waiting, I know I am battling.  


I hope this gets easier for us all, just keep thinking positive thoughts       


Maccerxx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

KJB,I agree with the others, go go go go. If you dh wont go take a friend or a family member, hell even I will come.lol
No seriously though try and change your hubbies mind you will both feel a lot better for it and next summer THERE will be three of you.

KJB1978 - If you can get away go, there are some cheap last minute deals before the scholes break up for summer if you can go within in 48hrs you can get a bargin. I hope you don't have two much of a wait. good luck.xx

I hope I will be joining this hard and stressful long waiting proses soon. How sad am I wanting this  
It has nearly been a year since we started and I just want to get to panel and have it over and done with. We have had 3 panel dates cancelled due to panel members not been able to be available for dates and courts have taken panel dates to get a lot of children in our LA through the courts ready for adoption. We haven't got long to go but my god I WILL be going on holiday 

Take care ladies and I hope the wait wont be to long  
Skyblu.xx


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hello, 
Sorry I have not been on here for a while. 
Skyblu everyone else - I completely understand how you are feeling. It is SO hard. We have been approved since May. 
Our SW recommended we go onto Children Who Wait. We did and we saw a few LO's we wanted more info on and then our SW  said she would rather we wait within LA for  2 - 3 months. It is so confusing and frustrating. 

Everyone keeps asking me the following phrases: 'Any news'; 'Hows the adoption stuff going'; 'Any babies yet' - agh - it almost feels like since we have been approved everyone's sensitivities towards adoption have gone out the window. I know I am feeling over sensitive too.  

I feel I am being pessimistic and negative. I don't want to do our nursery yet or get anything ready. It doesn't feel real yet. It really is limbo land. 

DH and I are however making the most of our time. We have been surfing, gardening and we are planning dinner dates with friends and time with friends with older children or no children as I am struggling with 'baby talk' at the moment. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. 

Sorry for the rant! Make sure you are planning fun things. 

Good Luck with the waiting and lets remember around the corner our LO is waiting for us ... somewhere  

Thinking of you all xxxxxxxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I'm in the same place, though now over two years since we first applied and 4.5mths since approval. Going insane, very fed up and feeling very disillusioned.
One time we were told we were shortlisted and not picked, then the other couple fell through so we were first choice, BUT we'd already told our SW we had decided not to pursue that child and we were never even shown the CPR so how can that be right??

Fed up with sending off our profile and par and never hearing back or being told we weren't picked. Lots of kids out there we are told and loads to see and find out about but yet here we are all waiting after months of being approved. I wish we would at least be kept informed!

At the minute it doesn't feel like it'll ever happen. :-( 

Sorry but on major downer right now.


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## kashmir28 (Nov 12, 2011)

I hope I'm not treading on any toes as we haven't decided on adoption yet but our friends who have successfully adopted twin boys have told us if we do it and get approved then their one piece of advice is to go on holiday as you'll need it to spend time together not going through the processes, and it'll be like a last hurrah!

They were approved in the September and booked a skiing holiday for January, they took the twins home in October following after matching etc.

I'd say take the holiday and as you say your DD will love her little holiday to Grandparents so she's not missing out or anything.

xx


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## Becky39 (May 17, 2008)

We are coming up for nearly 3 years since we applied to adopt and are 2 months off a year of being approved (approved in Sept last year, applied to adopt Nov 2009) we have had no link yet ... go on holiday, book something last minute and go .... we have held back for 3 years and this year cant go anywhere as eldest BD is getting married, so wont be able to do anything until after her wedding next year ... and who knows, by then we might have a little one (or two) in tow .,... then again, the way things are going, we might not!! 
Good luck to you all .... the wait isnt a great one and i know what u are all going thru, 10 months post approval and going grey!!!


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## AnneS (Sep 18, 2006)

Hi all,

I just laughed and cried my way through this thread. And now I am off to book a holiday!
See my signature - I am in the loopie loop of waiting to be matched as well. Panel was in May ...

Good luck to us all.

Anne


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I think we should organise a post approval limbo ladies Spa weekend of total indulgence and relaxation - who is up for it??


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

sounds good but where in the country?? Groupon are good for deals


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## hornauth (Nov 16, 2005)

Hi all.....we r in same boat....approved in may and it's awful being in limbo!  Had a meeting yesterday with our social workers boss as our worker is off and I was a bit worried we'd been forgotten about.  But feel so much better now....we were assured there are lots of children within our local authority but are all at different stages in the system.  She thought we'd be matched sooner rather than later tho.  It's so frustrating as we didn't tell many people about the adoption then we were approved and told everyone and now we are constantly asked....very difficult.  I'm up for the spa weekend ;-).  X


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## AnneS (Sep 18, 2006)

I am coming too 

A


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

okay, so can each person who wants to meet write down their county please and I'll see if I can find anywhere central.

Berkshire


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Count me in for the SPA weekend, I know I was only approved today but due to my stupid dh having a sneaky *** near the end of our hs we were deferred from March to today and now we can't be matched untill January 2013 when he has been smoke free for 12 months, so you can say it has been a loooong wait and still a long way to go. So yes please, I'm packing my bags  

Carmarthenshire West Wales (about 2hrs form Cardiff if that helps)

Skyblu.xx

p.s Is it a girlie break or for couples/partners?


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Congrats Skyblu - how v v frustrating for you both.

I am def up for a spa day or night away but cant go too far due to finance constraints and cant have the car and leave DD and DH without it all weekend.  I live in Essex.  Skyblu you live in West Wales.  Anyone else interested??


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## peanut butter (Jul 23, 2008)

Hi ladies

Hope you are all getting on ok.  Just dropping by - we have not had any news so the waiting continues ......

I have been trying to shake myself out of feeling down, so have started to book things in my diary.  I am 40 in September so I have decided that I am going to have a month of celebration and am going to book up something fun to do every weekend in September, so that should keep me occupied!!

Am definitely intersted in coming to the Spa break.  Arrows - will pm you with my details.

Peanut


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

If your little girl is not yet 5 you can take her away in term time...

I would really recommend decorating and home alterations as a means to keep busy. We had a loo put in under the stairs, dragged on a bit and drove us bananas but 2 weeks after they finished we had a match, and it took our mind off it.
Our nursery is green with animals and I think it's fine to do it now as you WILL need it, and your new child might hate pink or blue.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Just to make sure everyone ist aware of the spa planning thread:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=291632.new#new


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Hi KGB1978! And Hi everyone else! Am so glad to have just found this thread- I've been looking at a different part of the adoption area completely & now i know why nothing much happens there- so nice to find others in the same limbo! I am so with you on the waiting! We were approved a month ago and although we have felt some interest in some children (we are looking for sibs) all the bloomin S/Ws are on holiday at the moment! Grrr! It's so frustrating! I would therefore also echo the voices above and say take a break while all the LA employees do their summer hols! Luckily (although it doesn't feel it!) I have loads of decorating to do as all the work we had done on the house in anticipation of children has finished but there's so much new plaster to paint, old paper to strip and crumbly plaster! It drives me crazy in a completely different way!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks mummy in waiting and autumn jade!

Ive booked to take DD to Legoland on her first half term for the Halloween/Fireworks weekend so we have something albeit small to look forward to.  I have also decided to start redecorating the house bit by bit in Spetember when she goes off to school for the first time so am filling my time up and being useful.

As silly as it is, the weather has been so glorious this week I do not feel down about it and feel content and chilled and I know it will happen eventually.  Perhaps it was just the cumulative affect of 4 months of rain and grey skies making me feel so stressed

It is  amazing what a bit of sun does for you .  Hope you are all able to get out and enjoy some of it!


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## AnneS (Sep 18, 2006)

Hi guys,

nice to see that some of you are getting organised and will go on a spa break. Unfortunately I cannot afford that right now. Fortunately that is because we got matched and are now doing a nervous count-down until our LO will be placed with us.

 

Good luck and a short wait to all of you

Anne


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Has anyone had any good news to cheer me up on this grey and miserable day??


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Sorry KJB1978, in one word NO!!!

We were recommended for approval on the 19th July and we are still bloody waiting on the approval signature.
We also have a new SW who we are meeting on the 28th, but he has tried to reassure us that the delay was down to a back log and nothing to worry about.

Hope we have something to smile about soon.  

Skyblu.xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We got a picture of Little Boy's birth sibling from the adoptive parents. They look a lot alike! We may meet them in the future but even if we don't, we have that to show him and talk about.  

Is that cheery at all?


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Thespouses, I think that's fairly cheery!

Patience is not my virtue, waiting and waiting some more to hear if we've been matched -I feel like I'm going mad!
However, looking at the positives:
I have a job, I have a loving DH, and we have a possible match (Please, please God). Even if they decide he's not for us we have had lots of positive feedback and have been invited to an exchange day in Sept if it doesn't work out. My brothers are all married off so fingers crossed I won't ever have to pay out to attend any more hen-dos or weddings (cost us over £1000)! My house is relatively clean and tidy, the washing up is done, as is the laundry (boredom/procrastination means my house gets clean rather than paperwork filed or my lesson plans written  )


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Fingers and toes crossed for you Arrows.  What is an exchange day?

Sending Hugs back to you Skyblu


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

An exchange day is where SWs from lots of counties are there with profiles of their children and adopters go to look at them and hand people copies of their profile if interested and chat to the SWs. It for people on the National register who haven't found a match yet.
However, not looking likely we'll be going because we got more feedback from our SW today!

She spoke to the manager of our potential LO's LA and we've been told the decision meeting will be held on 28th August. She also said that the manager told her they were VERY KEEN on both of us!  

So: Roll on 28th! I will be impatiently waiting on the outcome!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Keep us posted Arrows!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Our SW came to visit today just to check I am not about to jump off a cliff as it has been 10 weeks since approval.  

She explained that we had been linked with a 7 month old baby boy and it was between us and another couple.  There was nothing to decide between us both so the committee chose the other couple as they had been waiting longer.  I am so glad she did not come to us before this meeting as I would have been totally crushed if I had known beforehand and then lost out.

As frustrating as this news has been and the long wait at least I now know things are in motion and we haven't fallen through the cracks somehow.  Fingers crossed next time will be our turn. 

Its made me feel a bit better about the wait x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Wow kjb that's brilliant - what a good SW working away in the background
Glad she didn't say thou as I would have been gutted x


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