# I shouted, and now I feel terrible!



## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

LO hasn't even been home 2 weeks yet, and I just really shouted at her.  I shocked her and she really cried :-( We had a cuddle and I said mummy's sorry she shouted, and we both agreed we'd use our nice voices and smiley faces instead now.

She is almost 2, and VERY oppositional. For the most part she's settling brilliantly, she was with a lovely foster family from tiny and seems to be transferring her attachments well so far. BUT, this last few days it's been constant 'no! No! No!' ALL the time, either that or she's whining and crying over really silly things like she can't see her drinks bottle. 

I know she's confused, grieving, we're still strangers each other, and I'm trying hard to be patient, but I'm afraid after 3 hours sleep last night I lost it and shouted. I feel AWFUL. We're now sat up having a cuddle and a couple of her programmes while I gather myself and figure out how to salvage the day.

Please someone reassure me I'm not the most terrible mother in the world :-(


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

You are NOT the most terrible mother!  Honestly, we all know not to shout and be therapeutic etc but its so damn hard! Especially in the early weeks and months.  I went through lots of sleep deprivation and a little boy who really struggled with the move (and was always expected to), so we had lots of grieving, violent outbursts, physical pain to himself or me plus getting to know each other and looking after a small child 24/7 was intense.

Youve made up so stop feeling guilty (difficult i know as i felt enormous guilt for months about Everything!!)

When you get some peace to think then reflect on what is the trigger for you i.e. what is driving you mad and think how you can divert around it.  The crying for something small is probably more to do with her feelings of loss and generally feeling insecure than about the bottle plus shes probably scanning her surroundings so much its hard for her to actually spot it.  My little boy used to do this lots and it was his way of getting me to do something directly with him i.e. i'd say lets look for your juice together and that made him really happy (we were about 6months in at that point).


((hugs)) its not easy this parenting lark and especially if you go from 0-60mph with a fully active toddler :-D
keep calm you're doing GREAT x x x

Ps Make sure someone is looking after you. Meet a friend for coffe/wine once LO is asleep even if it feels a struggle as you will be amazed at how much it can help your mental wellbeing.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Xxx


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## Orchid-1 (Nov 5, 2014)

My sister has a beautiful 2 year old. She used a Montesorri nursery and books. She said it helped her deal with things more calmly when he was having a bad day. Hope it helps. xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You're not an awful mother (the clue is in how you felt about shouting, not about the fact that you did....)

You're going to shout again.  

It'll be okay.



Look for as many go-rounds (other ways of doing something that heads off disaster) and compromises and triggers for you, and for her, as possible.  

Keep yourself well fed and watered, and as rested as possible.

But you've got a grieving, traumatised, two year old, and you're in at the deep end.  You're going to shout.

But you'll do it less and less, and you'll choose your moments for when they matter - my brother once used his 'parade ground' voice to stop Bug running out in front of a car.  It shocked him into tears, nearly knocked him down with the volume, and we were all very grateful to my bro.    I even got Bug to say thank you to him!  LOL!

You're doing GREAT.  

(((((hugs)))))


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## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank you all, your kind responses made me cry - sometimes all you need is to know others are dealing with the same thing! 

We went on to have a nice day, my mum came over and we went for a walk this morning and then had a quiet afternoon as LO has taken to refusing to sleep in the afternoon this last few days. That's another post though!!

Thanks for helping when I was feeling crap xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi there
We too are early in placement. We have siblings. I was thinking of posting setting similar myself. 
The little boy bit me today and I shouted really loudly at him, primarily out of shock, it's not nice to be bitten but I felt terrible afterwards. He normally laughs when we try to tell him off and toddles off about his business. But after my shouting he went really quiet and just wanted to sit cuddling me. 
I felt so terrible. He doesn't speak yet but I told him I was so sorry for shouting and that I love him. DH thinks it was ok as biting is a big no no but I'm not sure. 
We have shouted about other things too but this was a proper shout. 
I'm sure it will happen again as we are human, but I have noticed the other times I've lost my temper is when I'm stressed rather than when their behaviour is any worse. I just handle them differently when I'm stressed. 
I've actually just written out a timetable of my week next week LOL - sad I know, so there are some activities every day and a few minutes for me to do yoga - that helps me so much. 
It's awful feeling cross with them isn't it. It's early days and really hard. 

Hang in there, as AOC said the fact that you (and I) feel so bad about it shows that we aren't awful. GG xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

We're all human hugs no one can stay calm every second. Don't be too hard on yourself just think not ideal x would have been better and move on. You're doing great xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You're spot on about stress, GG.  My two stress points were getting ready in the morning and making tea, I was twice as likely to be short or shouty at those times.  Made me look at them differently to see what I could change about the routines etc, which really helped.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Yeah AoC I've noticed triggers. 
My stress points are breakfast and being home in the morning. I'm a monster if we don't get out in a morning. 
As long as I've eaten brekkie and been out in morning I am a reasonable human being   and the LOs love being out and about in the morning. 
CBeebies goes on whilst tea is being cooked in the evening. It's a treat for them to watch it and gives me some peace


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I hear you about going out!  I was so much calmer outside!

My problem was that Bug, at that stage, wanted to watch CBeebies, but wouldn't tolerate me being out in the kitchen while he did.  He wanted me to be with him, but definitely didn't want to be in the kitchen....

Those smoothie beaker/blender things made breakfast easier for me, but I didn't cotton on to them until I'd gone back to work.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

I love how reflective and supportive people are on these forums! It is so nice to have a safe, accepting space to talk about times we feel we have made a mistake and to learn from them.

Xx


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