# Sudden disturbance in sleep pattern almost 1 month into placement



## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Advise needed please, two very frustrated parents  

LO has been home almost 1 month

She's 32 months old, overall we've been pretty lucky with her sleep routine since she came home. We've had every toddler sleep issue occur but they've all been very short lived and we've dealt with them individually and resolved each of them within a day or two. She's tried all sorts to not go to bed, we've counteracted everything and won. We've hardly had any wake ups through the nights, she tends to sleep through on the most part, a few very early wake ups but again we sorted that problem. We were getting into a nice routine of no fighting at bedtime and sleeping through from 19:30 to somewhere between 06:30/07:30. Champion we thought!

5 nights ago she woke following a nightmare, genuine distress and crying, we comforted her and settled her down but she just couldn't get back to sleep, she was lying peacefully in bed but wide awake as if she was scared to fall asleep. I ended up asleep on her floor next to her simply due to being tired and unable to leave as she got upset every time I tried to. I woke several hours later and she was asleep so sneaked back to my own bed, she didn't wake up again till 06:30 but again was very distressed after another nightmare. Poor little poppet we thought.

Since then she's woke every night, different times, no nightmares or upset, just wakes up and wants us in her room, has massive tantrums over it. No actually crying just kicking off big style. I've tried sitting with her untill she falls asleep but she just doesn't, she just lays there peacefully looking back at me. I try to leave and she kicks off again. Me and DH have both tried different tactics and nothing is working. We were literally up for 3.5 hours last night with a screaming 2 yr old just playing havoc last night. 

Bed time comes round tonight and all hell breaks loose, after over a week of no fuss being taken to bed she's back to her old tricks again. An hour it's took to get her to accept she needs to go to bed and sleep. She was yawning while screaming and stamping her feet. God knows what the neighbours think we are doing to her when she makes all that noise.

The only thing we can think has caused this is DH has gone back to work this week, perhaps that's unsettled her so much it's causing this. I really don't know and I'm   it's short lived because its a living nightmare. She's now asleep and I'm dreading what the night has in store for us. I just want her to sleep and us to sleep  

Is this a separation anxiety thing due to DH being back at work? He's here in the mornings and evenings, it's not as if he's disappeared when she's woke up or not here for bedtime etc as he doesn't work shifts. 

Any advise, please please share


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Big hugs to you.

First bit of advice is to try to stop thinking of 'why' she is doing what shes doing, she wont even know that herself.  Just try to think of these behaviours as a 'need' rather than a 'want'......

What would I do in your situation?  Be upstairs for a good hour before bedtime, play in her room, tell her whats going to happen, ie we're going to put these toys away and then we're going to have a bath before bedtime.  Stick with it, get her ready for bed in a fun way, does she like a massage?  Talk to her all the time, explaining what you're doing and when.  Tell her that you're going to read her a story and then she is to go to bed and go to sleep, mummy cannot stay in her room as mummy has jobs to do....  Then I would sty upstairs when she's gone to bed, potter around put the washing away, clean the bathroom etc etc, all the time reassuring her you're there but can't stay in her room.  If she gets up, screams etc, go back to her and calm her down, but all the while remaining firm that she is to go to bed, leave the room and continue being busy.  I would then stay upstairs and probably go to bed myself.  
It may take a few days but she will be getting the reassurance that you are there but the firmness to know there is no bending the bedtime rules   

If it works, then gradually move further away saying 'oh mummy just needs to get something from downstairs' but make sure you return after a few moments.

With the waking in the night, just gentle reassurance and comfort if she will let you, but without getting her up, gentle strokes through the cot etc. 

Good luck


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Can't Wait, Sorry night times are being a struggle.
I know this is not the same thing but when lo has a late afternoon nap we let her have an extra half hour and then we take her to bed she happily goes but within 5 min she is shouting for me and then starts to cry, I just go in three times and say it's o.k it's time for sleepy time cover her up and rub her back, from then on I don't say anything and lay her back down put the covers over her and straight out and I will do this until she stops. It usually takes 8 visits and she gets the message. This is rear though. When we went cold turkey with the bottle we did the same. Tonight now as she is not well and when she coughs her throat is hurting her and wakes her up she then calls me but I don't go in unless she is calling  for me a number of times. She has woken three times allready tonight and I have gone in and just said its o.k it sleepy time and I have done this three times , she has woken a further 2 times since and called me when she coughed but she stooped after a minute or 2 so she is getting the message even though she is poorly. Yes it is tiering but she will get the msg.
Good luck and I hope someone can give you some more advice.
Skyblu.xxx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Just seen Wynnster's msg. Good advice.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks guys
Wynnster - the bed time routine is pretty much what we are doing, only difference is we live in a bungalow so we are all on one level. We make the house as 'boring' as poss post bath, PJ time, reflection of the day chit chat if prompted by LO, bedtime story etc we make it so there's nothing of interest to her going on so she won't want to be back through to the living space and will just accept she's got to go to bed. One of us sits with her while she falls asleep, we've gone from physical touch to just sitting next to bed to standing next to bed and the plan was to slowly retreat towards the door until we were able to leave and let her fall asleep by herself. It has been working really well until tonight, it's as if the last few nights events have made her opposed to bedtime all of a sudden.

The waking through the night is the main issue, if she's upset then of course I'll comfort her but she's just not upset, she just comes waddling into our room gets me and takes me to her room and wants me in there with her. It's almost as if she has learnt that if she wakes up she'll get nice cuddles and comfort and one of us will sit with her. If she just fell asleep again then it would be inconvenient but not a struggle like it is. She just stays awake, not upset or distressed just awake and wanting someone with her. She's awake but tired, yawning, eyes dropping etc but she just can't fall asleep. After an hour and a half of just sitting watching her watch me I decided to try to leave, then the drama started, I tried a calm but firm technique of returning her to bed but seeing that she is in a toddler bed and her room across the hall she just gets out and follows, I repeated it over and over but then she started to get distressed by it which isn't what I wanted, we then had to resort to comfort to calm her down (which I'm worried will be giving her positive reinforcement for bad behaviour) and eventually she settled in her bed with DH at her side. 
I know you say try not to worry about the why and accept the behaviour as a need, i take that on board and will try to alter my thinking but It's so hard to determine whether it's adoption related ie has something unsettled her etc or is it just 2yr old naughty behaviour. She had a terrible non-existent sleep routine at FC, no bed time, fell asleep on sofa, woke at all hours and had all demands catered for. Finding a balance between necessary comfort and reassurance for an insecure little girl in a new home, and making sure that the same little girl who is extraordinarily stubborn and independent isn't ruling the roost is very hard and delicate. I'm just torn, am I being too soft or too harsh or just doing exactly what I should be and eventually she'll respond. I just don't know 😒 xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Don't be too hard on yourself    You will NEVER know the reasons behind her behaviour, yes it could be she's trying to be controlling but I would hazard a guess that she is scared, it is still really early days for her. 
How would you feel about co-sleeping?  That may be worth a try if she needs you that close (at the moment)  Once her fears subside she may willingly go back to her room.  

At this fragile stage she needs to know that you are there, constantly, whatever the reason, just for her, just as if she was your 1 month old newborn, you would wake in the night to be there for her. 

If what you're doing isn't working then switch it, if you're in the room when she falls asleep then maybe when she wakes she's worried where you've gone, after all you didn't tell her you were leaving, she fell asleep and you disappeared.... no wonder she doesn't want to fall back to sleep. 

xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

move over Tanya Byron on 'Bedtime live"..Wynnster's your woman!
great advice given already but was going to suggest co-sleeping before Wynn got there first! perhaps not in your bed but in a cotbed right up nextto your bed? its a personal choice..had either of mine had sleep issues its what i would have done..


kj x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

If what you're doing isn't working then switch it, if you're in the room when she falls asleep then maybe when she wakes she's worried where you've gone, after all you didn't tell her you were leaving, she fell asleep and you disappeared.... no wonder she doesn't want to fall back to sleep. 

Wynn that totally makes sense, something I already knew but the way you worded it just makes more sense to me. We are trying to encourage her to fall asleep by herself by doing the gradually retreat thing at bed time. I suppose we have to just accept that she is scared and needs comfort from us even if it appears that she's just misbehaving - but saying that is easier said then done. I'm trying though, trying to remember there's always a reason behind behaviour, even if you never know what it is there is always a reason deep down and like you say at the min she's likely to be needing reassurance especially since DH essentially has abandoned her during the days now he's back at work. 

Co-sleeping Mmmmmm   It's not something I'm keen to do as don't want a battle on our hands later on trying to get her into her own room. Saying that I am willing to sleep on her floor next to her bed like I did after her nightmare, it meant I got sleep and I was with her close enough for her to be comforted and eventually she was asleep as well. It was the most practical solution, not ideal for the long term but as Gertie rightfully said we need to find a solution that works for us as gets us all some sleep. My concerns with that though are what if doing that has caused these random wake ups in the 1st place? She liked having Mammy on the floor so much that now when she wakes up she realises I'm not there and wants me there just like that night. Also by doing that now are we not encouraging bad sleeping habits for the long term? I'd like to think that if she wakes and needs me and I sleep on her floor for a few hours to give her some reassurance that with time she will just naturally stop waking and needing me as she will feel confident and secure, but I just don't know whether I 100% believe it. It's ridiculous really because I work with new parents and newborns, the amount of times I advise ppl on giving them what their baby needs, explaining how scared and unsure of their environment they are when they are newborns, how they need constant close contact and if they cry and all their basic needs have been met then maybe they just need a cuddle, they aren't being naughty they are newborns and they want what they need, I encourage them to follow the babies lead and not to try and train a routine into them straight away and with time they will develop their own routine once they feel safe and secure. I think I need to listen to my own advise   It's so much harder to see that in a toddler though and when it's YOU living in and sleep deprived its hard to think clearly and you just feel like they are being deliberately naughty but perhaps that's not the case.


Thank you all so much for your support and advise, it's really reassuring knowing you are all here for us and have wonderful words of wisdom.

By the way she slept through last night 🎉😃👍🎉 8pm until 06:45am, so over the moon I've had un disturbed sleep. We could hear her on the monitor early evening before we went to bed tossing and turning like a looney, for some reason when she does that she tends to sleep well so I was hopeful she would sleep through and my prays were answered   Just hoping it wasn't a fluke and she's moved on from what ever was disturbing her sleep. However I do really suspect it's DH being at work, seems too much of a coincidence that we spend the day together and suddenly she sleeps through again. I really need to stop analysing everything and just take it for what it is, a good nights sleep all round what ever the reason.

Thanks again all, and I'll keep you informed of how things are going    xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Though it's true that if you're not getting results you need to change something - you do need to try something for several nights (sometimes up to 3 weeks!) to get it to be a good habit. 

If she is quiet but not sleeping when you are in the room and looking at her, how about being there but slightly out of sight? So she can't actually look into your face (which can be a bit overstimulating) but she can see you are there, and it feels safe to close her eyes?


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Wynn has given some fab advice and I don't really have anything to add but is there a reason why you have her bedroom door open?  My DS came home at 27 months and was in a normal bed on placement, he never got out of bed until one of went in to him, his door was pulled to and if he needed us he called out.  My DD came home at 14 months, she is now 32 months and we took her cot sides off 2 weeks ago, we thought she'd get out of bed but hasn't yet, her bedroom door is shut at night.  Maybe if the door can't be shut it would be worth putting a stair gate there to stop her coming into your room to wake you?  What did she do at FCs?  Does she have a daytime nap?  If not, she may be too tired and getting distressed at bedtime as a result.  A daytime nap isn't going to hinder her night sleep, in fact it will probably help.  What time does she normally go to bed in the evening?  8pm is late for this age and that could be causing more problems for her as she is too tired.

Sleep deprivation is awful but it is something every adopter should be prepared for and expect it to go on for months rather than weeks.  Sleep is one of the biggest issues, along with eating, for a newly placed child.  At 32 months so much is going through their minds at night from what they are learning and doing during the day anyway but your LO also has had their little world turned upside down very recently and she has a lot to process.  Your DH going back to work may have had an affect and she may wonder where is he.  would it be possible to show her where Daddy goes during the day?  She will get used to him going and coming back and the new routine of Daddy being at work but it is another change on top of so many others in a short space of time.  

Do you use the same washing powder/fabric conditioner the FC used?  Something as simple as a familiar smell could be enough to help her settle and stay asleep or re-settle herself at night.  Or try something that smells of you to give her comfort.  

As someone else has said, it could takes a few weeks of being persistent before LO gets the message but it will be worth it in the end.  

OT x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Old timer - she can open the doors   we pull her door closed but don't fully pull it shut, our bedroom door is closed shut properly but she can open it, she's a fast strong thing as well. We've considered putting a gate on her door but we have a few reservations with that. 1) she's very independent and she will find a way to climb over it, she's tall for her age and there's plenty things she would pull to use as a step. 2) she'd wake us up anyway as she's that loud we would hear her screaming and shouting at the gate. 3) we don't want her to feel like she's trapped in her bedroom like a little prisoner   however she did have a gate at the foster carers so perhaps that's an idea. She had no bedtime routine at FC and just did what she liked, she was often awake through the night and demanding to go down stairs and watch TV which basically they complied with. She was described as a poor sleeper and in my opinion was over tired a lot there. She's been sleeping great here until now which is why it's hit us hard, we've been spoilt by her sleeping through the night. Sometimes she has a lunch time nap, sometime she doesn't, all depends on what time she's been up since and what we've done through the morning, she will not choose to have a nap but sometimes spontaneously falls asleep especially in the car on the way home if we've been out and about. I try to do exactly that coz she is out like a light in the car and I can carry her in asleep. Her bedtime is 19:30, we took her to bed at 19:00 last night as she was so tried and wanting to go, but we got her there and had an hour battle with her, she didn't go to sleep until 20:00 but that wasn't planned. It normally takes 20mins or so from taking her to bed and her faffing about with bedding to get it just how she likes it and to switch off and actually fall asleep but she did 40mins of screaming and stamping feet last night before her normal 20min routine. 
We went to collect DH from work last week and she went into his office to see where he worked so we've already done that. FC didn't use a set washing powder etc, she just 'got what ever was on offer' so that's of no help. She has a comfort blanket which she takes to bed with her, she's had it since she was born. She has a Teddy bear that smells of me, we used it for introductions but she's not taken with it. Might give her my PJ top that I've worn for a few nights and see if that helps.

Thespouses - we are gradually reducing any attention while settling for sleep. We've stopped sitting on/next to bed, we've stopped physical contact and eye contact. We give a cuddle and a kiss, tell her it's bedtime and just stand in the room. The plan was to slowly move the standing further and further towards to door every few nights until we could just leave altogether.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I think we are pretty much doing all we can and just need to persist with it. I just felt distressed yesterday due to exhaustion and was concerned over the sudden disruption in her sleep routine. Everything had been going smoothly, we had a lovely wind down bedtime routine going, getting her to bed without a fight and she was sleeping through. We really thought We'd cracked it but obviously not. Perhaps I've done something 'wrong' the night she had a nightmare and that's prompted the wake ups, perhaps it is due to DH going back to work, or perhaps it's just one of those things that toddlers do from time to time. Who knows eh. Lets just hope we get back to our 'normality' soon for everyone's sake.

Thanks again guys, I love this forum - your all fantastic for taking the time to respond to my post


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Could just be the honeymoon period is over and now she feels able to test the boundaries and see what she can get away with like she did as FCs!  The hardest bit as a new parent is working out what is distress and what is to get there own way but a firm consistent approach will help.

Where you see the shut door as a barrier she may just as easily see the open door as an invitation    

Hope you get a full night's sleep tonight.

OT x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Can't wait - I think you have been given excellent advice (and may even need done if these new tips as little man is waking at 2am again). Only bit of advice I can echo is Wynnsters - don't over analyse the whys. It may come to you later as u know more about LO or you may never know but I wasted too much energy thinking why. Now I just go with as much as I can and I least I'm not tired from losing sleep worrying ;-)

Sleep deprevation is a killer and I so wish prep told you it could be months but then again friends of ours have had terrible sleep problems with their youngest so it is also just part if being a parent :-D
X


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

cant wait..read back what you wrote about the advice you give people with their newborns..then look at your child as if she is a newborn. she is a newborn to you..you are still in the period of getting to know one another..in every single sense...by sight, smell, touch etc..just like a newborn does..think how long it takes some people to bond with their newborns..


just as an aside i was just sitting here wondering how restful i would feel if i had a giant person standing in the room whilst i tried to fall asleep..it wouldnt induce sleep, more like fear   I would sit if you are going to do the gradual retreat, its a bit less threatening somehow..more rleaxing..i used to do it with a child and i would just sit and read..by the light of the crack in the door..


good luck, you're doing fab, remember that


kj x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks guys I really do appreciate all your posts

Keemjay - I know, I was thinking Doh while writing that   sometimes things are just so obvious that you miss them!

Gertie - Hope your LO starts sleeping through again, it's a killer isn't it. If it was 10-15mins settle down I'd cope better but is hours of broken sleep that's just wiping me out. Your right though, I'm over analysing everything. You've told me this before and I'm trying so hard to bang it into my thick skull but I'm analysing person at the best of times and I just want to get everything right for LO, I'm putting too much pressure on myself and I'm trying to think 'what should I do now' while dealing with things instead of just going with my gut and dealing with them. 

Well LO was asleep by 19:30, settled in bed with no fuss at record time 😃 I think last nights tantrum at bedtime was due to her being over tired. I hope she sleeps through again tonight   I'm going to bed soon to have a good recharge and in preparation incase she wakes again. 

I feel like I've got a cheerleading team cheering us on and encouraging us, I thank you all for that invaluable support   xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Lol CW - "over analysing" could be my middle name it's difficult to let go isn't it.
Yeah I hope do too - last night LO was awake for an hour with DH and then 1.5 hr with me :-D least he was quite and resting as he's not been too girny today. We'll see what tonight brings as we had quite an interesting day.
X


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i still over analyse eveything and i'm 5 1/2 years in..so get used to it  


sleep well x
kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Thanks Keemjay ;-) I'll try and keep mine to waking hours to save my precious zzz's


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Big Hugs Can't Wait   

I was terrible with analysing everything with ds and yes I STILL do    I'm not sure if its gets less intense or you just get used to it    When dd came along it all started again   

Could you maybe see how she copes with falling asleep without you in the room?  You said yourself about not wanting to upset her routine further down the line..... but if she starts to accept and go with your routine of staying in the room, you are at some point going to have upset.
Do you think she would really struggle?  How about back to a cot?  Baby her a bit more, let her have a bottle of milk etc, how about the mobile thingy mentioned on the other thread?

Just keep telling yourself though that this is a phase and she will sleep through eventually


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Well guys I think I have a plan  

The gradual retreat technique for her going to bed seems to be working and she's accepting it, I think we'll be getting her to fall asleep on her own in no time. When she's lying settle you can say to her 'oh Mammy just needs XYZ I'll be back in a min' and she lets you go for a very short time. So I think once we've retreated to the door we'll start with that. Getting her to bed and to sleep is going really well apart from Sat night when I posted so I think we'll just stick to what's working. Atleast we can get her to go to bed, FC never did she fell sleep where ever she was and then was carried up. So I think we've done wonders in the respect.

As for the night waking I've took on board all your advice and I'm viewing it from a different point of angle now, it's a need not a want, something is upsetting/unsettled her it's not that she's being naughty. After a long conversation with DH and after reflecting on the night time events through the week, the tantrum kick offs and naughty behaviour only starts when we try to leave the room, she NEEDS us in the room for what ever reason and that's what we need to focus on. She can sleep through all night and she's shown that so getting ourselves all worked up about the nights she doesn't isn't doing anyone any good. If the majority of nights are involving a wake up at the min then there's obviously a reason for that (A one we may never know  ). So I'm taking my own good advice and that of all you lovely people and just accepting she NEEDS me from time to time. The plan is this :- If she wakes, I take her back to bed, big cuddle and reassurance until she settles, tucked into bed and wait In her room (no physical or close contact, nothing to encourage stimulation or attention, just simply being in the room) for 10-15mins, if she's asleep then great I'll go back to bed, if she's tossing and turning then I just accept my fate, get a pillow and blanket and the floor next to her bed is my bed for a couple hours.
Last night she woke at 2:30 ish, was crying 'bad dream mammy', big cuddle and reassurance, was happy to go back to bed, tucked her in, denied her request for milk although reminded her she had water next to her bed 'no water Yak'   turned over and settled. I was in her room for 15mins watching her toss and turn, that was a little girl who had her eyes closed and was trying to go to sleep but something was keeping her awake. I accepted my fate, got comfy on the floor, LO decided she would have a drink of water after all, she settled back down after a drink, she was happy I was in the room. I'm out of sight from her, not touching or talking to her, there's no attention or stimulation to keep her awake, I'm simply just there. It means I can get some sleep (I can fall asleep anywhere 😴) and she has the comfort she needs until she finally falls asleep as well. When I'm on the floor she just lies in her bed like a little angel and tries her hardest to go back to sleep, she does toss and turn as if there's something on her little mind. I got told off by her twice for snoring   so I was sleeping Ok, that was all I heard from her for about an hour then she asked me to take her for a wee. Now she's dry through the day but not on a night yet and asking for a wee is a new thing. I took her, she did a wee, her nighttime nappy was already wet so I changed it, back to bed, she settled and we both fell asleep. I woke about another hour later approx 04:45 and she was fast asleep so I sneaked back into our bed and she only woke up at 08:00, fresh as a daisy and full of the joys of spring.

So in summary another wake up but handled it differently, we all slept pretty well and we all have a smile on our face. Am I worried she'll get too used to me sleeping on the floor, YES I am. But I'm hoping this is a short term upset and she simply needs me on the floor every now and again for a while until what ever it is that's keeping her awake is resolved. I need to remember she's trying to form attachments to us and hopefully once a secure one she'll stop needing me in there. Hopefully I'll not be posting in a few months saying 'help my LO wants me to sleep on the floor EVERY night' hahaha 

Thank you all for helping me see what was so blatently obvious. Why I was trying to leave her room in the middle of the night when she clearly needed me is beyond me now   I was focusing too much on what WE wanted her to do rather then what SHE NEEDED. I see that now 😃

Xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I've done the "need to go and get X and I'll be right back" with my niece who never has to sleep on her own (she's 9   ) and who has tantrums and has to be dragged to bed on occasion.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Cant Wait, well done on getting a plan sorted..and for 'listening' to advice..its great to see people really responding to advice on these threads..I'm feeling the support machine in action from the other side too..its a good feeling helping out  
wishing for a good nights sleep for you tonight  


kj x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

So pleased to read this Can't wait    I am confident she will settle when SHE is ready to do so and feels secure enough to let you go (especially if you're disturbing her sleep with your snoring    )

xxx


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks guys   

Things are going well, she woke last night at 12:30 but not because of a bad dream but because she had bumped her knee on the bed side   Bless her. Because it wasn't a bad dream she wasn't struggling with the 'turmoil' that causes her, so a quick cuddle and reassurance and she was back to sleep and I was back in my bed within 15mins or so. Bliss   No fighting at bed time since Saturday, so really she's accepted bedtime really well as Sat night was a one off in about 10 nights, she's settling into sleep quicker each night, it's only taken 10mins last night and tonight and we get a few inches towards the door each time, tee hee. I feel much more relaxed about her wake ups now that I'm seeing it from her point of view instead of mine. 

A friend has recommended Avon Sleep spray which is basically a lavender calming spray for the room/bedding/pillow or whatever you fancy. She swears by it, says when ever she's stressed or got stuff on her mind or wakes up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep due to thinking too much, quick squirt of the spray and she's knocking the Z's out in no time. I've read the reviews and there's a few ppl who use it for their toddlers and really most of the reviews couldn't speak highly enough of it. It's only a couple ££'s and worth a try so it arrives tomorrow and fingers crossed it gives her some more solid and peaceful sleep, for her own sake as well as ours   I'll let you all know what I think of it  

On a total separate note (I seem to be totally hogging the forum at the min, sorry I'm full of questions) I think DH is struggling a little with her separation anxiety towards him now he's back at work. He see's very little of her Mon-Fri by time we all get up, he goes to work - then by time he comes home it's tea time and bedtime routine. He LO gets soooooooo excited when he gets home but she's also starting to getting sleepy then as well so she turns into this all singing all dancing performing whirl wind. She just craves all his attention and he gives her it. But if he turns his attention onto something else even for a split minute there's drama. For example he goes to the toilet, she screams and cries and bangs on the door   I give her a cuddle and calm her down and explain Daddy's only in the bathroom. She then clings onto him like a little monkey and just generally acts herself to get as much attention as she can. Don't get me wrong DH adores her and comes bouncing in from work and plays with her, she's getting attention from him but it just isn't enough, she's full on with him and it's really intense. I've explained to him that's she's anxious and that's her way of coping by smothering him when he gets home and I've told him to try and ignore any negative behaviour (if not dangerous and if poss) as it will only encourage her more. But i think it gets him down in the dumps a bit that what little precious time he gets with her is spoilt by her acting herself. It's very noticeable the change in her as soon as he gets home. She even tried to bite him tonight coz he was stopping her from doing something she shouldn't of been, she just gets dead angry with him, she like blows hot and cold. Any body else experienced it? I think it's separation anxiety and she has a mix of emotions between pure excitement and joy that he's home and actual anger that he left in the 1st place and that just explodes out of her all at one. I think with time she'll get used to him coming and going from work and it won't be as intense for him. What's funny is that she doesn't even seem bothered when he goes to work in the morning, she happily waves him off, she says to be through the day "Daddy is at work, good boy Daddy"   She doesn't seem too bothered about it until he gets home.

Xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

great news on the sleeping  


could you make the activities really quiet ones when dady comes home..produce a new book (or basket of books) from somewhere and make its daddys special reading time with her..or/and maybe massage time..get into a routine of it so that its daddys' thing' he does with her..anything really which is a calm activity..maybe a little basket of fiddly little toys..pots with lids, with interesting things in, beads/sparkly things/pebbles, something that will keep her attention and keep her from getting hyper...
just a thought..sure others will be full of ideas too  


kj x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Nice idea Keemjay ;-)

CW - I was going to ask if anyone has tried scents etc. LO is getting worse on the sleep and if the cause is what I guess then this wi keep up a couple of weeks. Last week we had 4 nights waking at 2-3.30 ish and although tired was wide wake and couldn't get him off to sleep. This week has progressed to waking every 90mins. Started that he needed a lot of reassurance/cuddle but now quick stroke of back/cheek and a shhh and he's off again. I'm fine with this approach just now as like CW he was sleeping through and he goes off very well so its just a blip.

I read sandalwood or lavender plug ins could be good - anyone used on a not yet 2year old?

Thanks G x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Re:scents, check before you do use them as some are not suitable for small children.  I have one that works well for me if not used too often but is advised against use on young children.

My DD loves sticker books, story books and puzzles and happily sits down with her Daddy calmly doing these things before bed.  Like others, DH leaves the house as the children wake and gets home after tea, about half hour before bed, so they see very little of him during the week and then it has to be calm time before bed    At the weekends I step back a bit and let DH do more with/for them.  Some nights we all just snuggle up on the sofa for a cuddle and a story or a bit of TV.

I remember my DS taking time to understand Daddy going and coming from work but he was the opposite and rejected him completely for the first 6 months or so.  When DD came home DH when straight back to work, DS went back to school and we kept routine as normal as possible for DS.  DD adjusted without any problems and just accepted Daddy goes to work and comes home before bed most of the time, he works from home sometimes and also goes abroad for weeks on end so she is used to it changing.  It can be hard for Dads especially at the start when they have to go back to work and miss out on so much   

OT x


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Can't Wait. Our lo is also all excited when daddy comes home but happily waves him off to work. What we have done since day one is when daddy comes home there is 30 min of playing silly games usually flying around the house  and chasing each other then it is supper time. We share the bath routine but dh allways finishes off e.g collecting the bath toys and lifting her out of the bath. Then I usually dress her in her pj's and then dh and lo have a quite time on the sofa with a book, usually Argos catalogue which she loves and look at toys,after about 20 mins he then reads her two books and bed. We felt as dh is in work all day he needed to spend as much time with her as poss for him and also for her to have that bond.

I hope you find a solution soon.
Good luck
Skyblu.xxx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Argos catalogue! Love it!

If your toddler still puts things in their mouths be careful of essential oils too - they can burn.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi everyone, just wanted to quickly update you all.

Thankfully things have improved in all aspects. She's less anxious about DH being at work and isn't so intense when he gets home, think its just taken time for her to get used to it. 

Sleeping wise, it seemed to get better, then got worse, now its better again, well ish. She started randomly falling out of bed (never done so before, thankfully it's a small toddler bed so no injuries) did it 3 nights in a row then that stopped. Her night time nappy started overflowing drastically (no extra fluids or obvious reasons behind it) it happened about 4 nights in a row and her bed/ her/ PJ's were drenched 😳! She was really distressed by it and we found no reason for it then it suddenly stopped. Anyway past 3 nights she's slept through, I heard a little cry and a murmur for Mammy at about 01:30 last night but she just went back to sleep herself within seconds, probably didn't fully wake up. She's not fighting going to bed as much, tends to accept it more, I think sometimes I manage to leave the room before she's even fully asleep but she lets me go, she doesn't do that for DH however and he's always in there longer than I am as she doesn't let him leave, lol. Sometimes it just takes her a while to switch off even though we have a wind down night time routine she still whispers to herself about the days events for a while before rolling over and shutting her eyes but I assume it's normal for her to process all the new going on's and things she's learning. Past few days she's had lunch time naps as well, totally coincidental due to busy mornings and falling asleep in the car on the way home but she's such a happier little girl post nap it's unbelievable the difference in her. Hopefully this has helped her get a better sleep at night as well and she'll go back to sleeping through 12 hours and we will have some 'normality' again soon. 

Thank you all for your kind words, support and advice


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