# 2 mummies 1 dream



## poppy05

So I thought i would write a diary, the last time i did one of these was about 8 years ago and was going through IVF, this diary will be very different, and mostly because I have no idea what this ride will be like, ive ridden the IVF roller coaster many times, but this is so new to me, I feel i need to introduce myself to my readers, and give you a little information on how i came to be posting here, this might go on a bit so i'd grab yourself a cuppa and a few biccies if i were you!!!   


Ok so 20 years ago I decided it would be a marvelous idea to get pregnant, i was 20 years of age, my boyfriend was 24, we had just bought our own home and a baby seemed like such a fantastic addition to our lives, the day i made that decision my life changed forever.


After 9 years ttc naturally i finally went to see a specialist, we both had all the fertility tests done and were diagnosed as unexplained infertility, my boyfriend was now my husband and we got put on the waiting list for IVF.


My first cycle ended at ec as none of my eggs fertilised, my 2nd IVF ended 5 days into my 2ww as af arrived and gave me a BFN, and my 3rd (egg share) cycle ended with our much awaited very much wanted BFP!!! i had never felt happiness like it before, we went to our 6wk scan, saw a little sac but no heartbeat, sonographer told us not to worry as still a bit early and we rebooked for another one the following week, well that day never came as i began bleeding and an emergency scan at my local EPU showed that i had mc.
My world fell apart, why me? why my baby? am i not good enough to be someones mummy? did my baby not like being inside me? i asked a thousand questions a thousand times a day, i guess slowly day by day things begin to get a bit easier, only once i was feeling much better i came to realise i had a new issue, and that was the fact i no longer loved my husband, eventually we parted company.


They say life can be unpredictable and trust me it most definately is, i ended up falling in love with my bestfriend, she is the most amazing person i have ever met, and i cannot imagine being without her, we have been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 4, we are so happy and a child would complete us.


We had one last IVF attempt in sept 2014, i needed to give it one last go, i almost passed out when my digital pee stick said the words "pregnant 1-2" omg we are going to be mummies, i remember us both calling our mums and trying to tell them through the happy tears that they were going to be grannies, it really was a very special moment.
Of course the elation was ripped away from us, because as usual my body  decided it didn't want me to be pregnant and i suffere another mc.


We had one last glimmer of hope as we had 2 frozen embies, but i felt i should have a couple of tests just to see if there actually was something wrong with me, as i just felt after so long this couldnt be put down to bad luck.
So i had the immunes test done, and in january 2015 i was diagnosed with high NK cells, my body had got rid of 
2 healthy embryos and prob would again and again.
Our final immunes medicated fet ended in a BFN.


I was heartbroken and needed some time off work to grieve, i took myself off for some counselling sessions, and with the help of a very patient lovely lady, i have finally been able to accept what i have been through and close the door on having a biological child, i know i am destined for something far greater than being pregnant and givng birth, and i know this is what is meant for me.


I often say that i am alot like my nanna, perhaps more than i ever thought, as 64 years ago she adopted a beautiful baby girl and that little girl grew up to be my mum, if i can have even a cupful of the happiness they shared then i know that this decision is and will be the best thing i have ever done.


I felt i wanted to write my whole story as this diary isn't for me, and it isn't for you, its for our child, to oneday read through and know how much he/she is wanted, and how loved he/she will be.


So a note to our child - we have so much love to give you, our family will not be complete until you come home to us.


Today 20th january 2016 we were officially accepted onto stage 1, and have been told our first workshop is next week!!
we are beyond excited to get started.


Speak soon
love me xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Welcome to adoption honey it's the most amazing thing we've ever done wouldn't change a single thing.

Good luck with your journey xxxx


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## Tw1nk82

Good luck for your journey. Adoption really is the best thing ever xxxx


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## Cloudy

Sooo excited for you and can't wait to read the rest as it happens!  

Loads of love to you both xxx


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## poppy05

Ah thankyou for the messages   


So our stage 1 pack arrived yesterday!   
Have read through everything, not absorbed much so need to have another look through, the workbook seems relatively ok, i know in my head what i want to write, its just getting it down on paper, so we have started doing a rough draft, we started on our timelines lastnight, that was quite difficult as it was remembering when i have moved, and left jobs etc, i had to ring my mum for some of it lol.
I put when i began trying for a baby in the 'significant life events' section, and it really hit home just how long its been when i put the date as Oct 1996!! 
please let this be the year i can say im a mummy   


Im feeling so relieved to finally be on our new journey, it feels great to be doing things now, i will be chasing our references this week, to make sure they have done their forms!!   
Really looking forward to attending our first workshop on thursday.


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## poppy05

Well we attended our first workshop this afternoon!   
We enjoyed it, we learnt a little bit about attachment and what it means, and we went through the workbook which  was a great help to us as we were very unsure of the kind if answers they would be looking for, we came out feeling alot clearer about things and positive about some of the things we had all ready jotted down for our workbook.


I have sat this evening and started typing out bits for our workbook, im actually really enjoying doing it, and it is far less daunting than i first thought.


I really cannot believe our adoption journey has begun, i have such different feelings about this compared to how i felt whilst doing fertility treatments, i sat looking at bedroom furniture lastnight for a childs room,and ive never allowed myself to look at anything for babies/children before, i feel like i can now, and i feel like this is what i was destined for all along.


Can't wait for next friday, for our next course


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## ciacox

Sounds fab Poppy!


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## poppy05

Oh dear, we have our prep course tomorrow and i've got this horrible fluey virus!    i feel so ill, i could cry as i was really looking forward tomorrow and now i dont want to go   
Please let me wake up feeling a little bit better, i dont want to not absorb any information because i feel like rubbish, im trying to be positive and keep saying i'll be ok once im there, but i really do feel so poorly


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## Cloudy

Oh Poppy, so sorry to read this   Daytime beechams/lemsip cold and flu tablets, zinc, vitamin C and plenty of lucozade   Hope you feel better in the morning  

Xxx


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## ciacox

Hope you're feeling well enough to go Poppy. If not, don't panic. Every delay in the process (and there will always be a few) is timing things so you meet the right LO for you. Xxx


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## poppy05

Well thats it we have completed stage 1!!!    i cannot believe how fast we have got through this stage, we handed our workbook in today, so the agency will be just waiting on our medical reports to come back.
Im praying with all my heart that we get invited onto stage 2    we have a bit of a wait now, feeling a bit nervous about it all now, i just hope we have done enough


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## butterfly15

Hi Poppy,

How are you feeling??  We are at a similar stage to you.  We had our second day of preparation groups yesterday and we have our last one next Friday where we hand in all our forms etc. I also had my medical on Wednesday and my Husband has his on 18th March.  It feels like such a different roller coaster to IVF, I am looking forward to it rather than feeling anxious, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  I too am hoping we are taken into stage 2.

Lots of hugs


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## poppy05

Hello butterfly
Thankyou for your post, i am feeling good, just impatient, i want to know now if we have made it to stage 2!! i emailed the social worker on thursday for an update, and they are just waiting on our medical reports to come back now.
How did you find the course? how are you getting on with your workbook? xx


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## butterfly15

Hi Poppy,

I have everything crossed you make it through to stage 2 I'm sure you will!!! You must let me know as soon as you hear, I am so pleased to be in touch with someone at the same stage as is.  Where are you as it will be interesting to see if things are different depending where you are, we are in Cheshire.

I am finding the courses very interesting and I am enjoying them, although they are very intense.  It is such an eye opener.  We didn't have a work book as such but we need to do a chronology and a family tree each as well as a support network list too!  Have you had to do all these?  

We found out today our referees have been contacted which is good!

xx


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## poppy05

yes we had to do a timeline, family tree, and eco map (support network) as part of our workbook.
all our references are back which is nice to know everyone managed to do them on time, and i wasnt chasing people.
i have just been a reference for our friends going through the process so it was nice to see it from the other angle, it gave me an insight as to what our references will be asked.


have you read any bookes yet?
i can highly recommend 'the boy who was raised as a dog' if you havent already read it? im not quite finished but its a really good book and shows the different affects of early trauma in children. xx


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## butterfly15

Ah it's great you have friends who are going through the same process so you can support each other through it.

I have downloaded a couple of books which I am about to start reading but not that one so I will search for it on my kindle later.

Glad all your references are back that's great news!  

I keep getting butterflies in my tummy, I feel like this was something we were meant to do!!

xx


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## poppy05

So we completed a baby/child first aid course today!
It was just basic stuff but has left me feeling more confident in being able to assist in an emergency, i hope to god i never have to apply any of it, but its good to know that i can if needed.
I can recommend the course to anyone interested in attending, we booked it through the British red cross.


Starting to feel agitated now, i am trying my hardest to stop being so stupid, i know in my head that its to early for us to hear anything back yet, and i wish i could just carry on as normal, but its on my mind constantly, i just want to know if we have got through to stage 2!!!


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## butterfly15

Hi Poppy,

I have dowloaded no matter what and adoptive parenting, started reading no matter what! 

I mentioned to my husband just the other day i would like to do a child first aid course so we are going to book one too.

The waiting will be the hardest part but hang in there hun xx


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## poppy05

Having a bit of a wobble tonight   
So we had someone come to the house last week, we got a call to say there were a couple of issues that needed going over, anyway it was to chat further about my anxiety i suffered last year after my mc and failed tx, they wanted to know if i had suffered depression before etc, then the other thing was the dreaded finances!
we don't have any savings, and they wanted us to talk about our plans for financial support of a child coming to live with us, so we made a plan, and was asked to email them when we had made our first payment into our savings account.
I sent that email today and then felt a little taken back by the reply i got, they basically told us that when we lose 1 income (mine) while on adoption leave, there is a shortfall of money and wanted further information on how we think we can manage without experiencing financial difficulty, and whilst i understand why they need this evidence, i feel like they are being a little unfair, as they havent taken into account my adoption pay, anyway we have made a revised plan, and shown where we will be able to make savings when im on adoption leave, for example, my petrol and parking for work wont be a cost, and we have made a few other amendments, and basically with our revised plan we will still have a disposible income, also my inlaws have given us a generous cash gift tonight, they said its what they would of given us once a child is placed, but have let us have it early so we can show we have some savings, we now have enough money to cover the initial shortfall of income for just over a year!! and that doesn't exist anyway with our revised plan.
I really do hope that this is satisfactory and we aren't turned away, they have made me feel like we have no money and cant provide, ive told them that the 10 grand we did have saved went on ivf, and the last 2 months we have been having out whole home redecorated in prep for starting stage 2, we didnt want that all going on during home study, we are and have been doing absolutely everything we possibly can to meet the criteria for adopting, i know there will be obstacles along the way, and i am prepared to face the challenges, i just wish they would actually consider all the things we have already done in the space of 2 months, we were asked last month to get rid of our £700  overdraught, guess what? its gone! 
we can do no more, i try not to let this stress me out, but i just want to know now if we are able to continue to stage 2, it feels like no matter which route ive taken to become a mum, something always stands in the way.


Feel better for getting that all out, fingers crossed my next post is a positive one.


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## bundles

Oh Poppy   They are stupid if they can't see what blinding mummies you will be   Well done you for sorting your finances so quickly. Sending you lots of hugs 
xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It's a bit extreme, sorry they are making you stress like this. You are jumping through hoops and that shows big commitment. When we went through home study 3 years ago this would have been enough. Sadly with less children in the system for adoption it seems agencies are being extra picky in approving adopters. I keep hearing similar stories. Also as stage 2 is so time governed to get to panel once you start that they may be stalling a bit to give them some breathing space. It's not fair though. I'm sure you done enough. Lots of love


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## ciacox

Arg Poppy - sorry to hear this. It does sound heavy handed and I just think people who aren't going through it can't appreciate how incredibly stressful it is. Every glitch or question brings back the fear that you won't have children. But to them it's just routine box ticking. It sounds like you're doing brilliant and everything you're doing will go in your favour. Fingers crossed things move forward soon xxx


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## poppy05

Well at long last i can finally post the news we have been waiting for!
I got the call today and we have been invited to stage 2!!!!   
Prep begins 11th may, im so so so soooooooo happy, i really have felt stressed this last few weeks, ive tried so hard to carry on as normal, but really its all ive been thinking about, and have been so worried we would get a no.
Really excited to get going again, the stop gap seems to have lasted for months!!


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## bundles

Oh honey I'm so thrilled for you     
Big hugs  

xx


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## ciacox

Brilliant news!!! Xxx


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## Sq9

Fantastic  🎉🎉 xx


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## Norma12

Fab news, congrats!!!! X


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## poppy05

We have received our stage 1 report, and although there is a couple of things they want to go further into in stage 2, i am really happy with what they wrote, and the things they mentioned i knew would be, it appears their main focus with me is my years of ttc/fertility tx's, im more than happy to go over it all though, i look upon my fertility journey as a positive thing now, even though its been extremely tough and has lasted 20 years, i feel it is what i had to go through to bring me to my child which will hopefully be coming home to us in the not to distant future   
We had our confirmation of stage 2 today and all the details of our prep course, so in 3 weeks we will of completed 2 days! im eager to get going now,


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## poppy05

So we completed our 3 day stage 2 prep today.
All i can say is 'wow' it was a fantastic course, extremely intense and emotional, but i got so much out of it, it has really helped me to understand the difference of parenting an adopted child, and i have opened my mind up to so many things i wouldnt of considered before.
I am so excited now to get going with our home study, and i cant believe in 4 months we could be approved adopters!!!


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## poppy05

We have been allocated our social worker today!!!   
Just waiting now for her to contact us to get our first assessment appointment booked in, so excited to begin the home study.


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## poppy05

We had our first home visit today   
Our social worker seems very nice, felt quite relaxed with her, our assessment will begin on 25th july, and panel will be end of oct/beg of nov!   
Its good to have some dates in the diary, and a bit more of a plan in place.
Next thing for us is the early permanence workshop on 27th june.


Really excited to get going again now.


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## poppy05

Not updated in a while, so we have been given our panel date! it will be on the 10th nov    we have 2 more courses to complete and a few more home visits then we are done! we have enjoyed the process so far, as hard as it is, it really has been ok, nothing like what i was expecting.
Hoping the next 3 months move nice and quick, we are so ready for our family!!


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## bundles

Oh wow honey, how exciting  

xx


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## poppy05

Well thats it, our home study is over!!!    we had our last visit today, our sw went through panel with us, and told us to relax as we will be fine! 
she even said we are one of the most prepared and realistic prospective adopter couples she has ever assessed!! so that was nice, it kinda made me feel like all my research, reading, and brain frazzling info gathering has been worth while.
We have our panel on 1st nov so slightly earlier than first suggested, our par report should be all ready for us to view by 10th oct, i cant wait to see it.
We are on the home stretch now, it feels so good to know we are almost there, im so proud of us both for getting through this difficult process, but as tough as its been, i really have quite enjoyed it.
so i would think my next post in here will be to update our panel outcome!!


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## ciacox

Wow - that seems to have moved really quickly. Well done you guys. Hope you are matched soon. I got so geared up for the Big Wait I wasn't really prepared for the opposite. We had our approval panel at the beginning of Nov last year and had met our baby by the January...


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## poppy05

Well thats it panel is over!! and we got a big fat yes!!! decision was unanamous, we are over the moon.
We have cried lots of happy tears today, this is the best feeling ever.
Now we wait for our son or daughter to come into our lives and fullfil oir dreams of becoming mummies.


We cant wait to meet you whoever you are, we love you so much already, and cant wait to be your mummies, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Congratulations fabulous news xx


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## ciacox

Brilliant news! Wishing you all the best for this next chapter xxxx


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## poppy05

I cant believe im posting this so quickly, but we have been linked!!!!! 
A little pink will be coming to us when she has been born (due next week!!) as an early permanence placement, we cant believe a newborn baby will be here imminently.
An exciting, crazy, scarey time, its going to be tough whilst we are fostering, but we are prepared and feel this is best for baby, cant wait to meet this little girl who will hopefully become our daughter in a few months time.
This is the best christmas present i could ever have wished for!


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## ciacox

Wow wow wow!!!! What a mind blowingly exciting time. Congrats mummies xxx


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## poppy05

So little pink arrived on 29/12 we have had her since she was 7 hours old!
she is the most beautiful little girl ive ever seen and we are totally besotted with her, never felt love like this before, she is incredible.
We just want the next few months to move quickly so she can be ours forever.


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## KDJay

Oh wow congrats amazing news for u! 7hours old! X


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