# Having a break from Clomid through total heartache



## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Hiya girlie's! Feeling really upset at the moment. I posted a bit ago about the doctor giving me 12 months of Clomid and offering me 3 more months. I have decided not to take the 3 months. 

When i had my last scan they were really positive as i had produced 6 follicles and they said i have a very good chance this month as i have lost a little more weight. My metformin has regulated my blood sugar and insulin levels, and the clomid were doing it's job. But unfortunately it was another bfn. I was absolutely devastated. More than ever this time. I took it really hard and didn't want to try anymore. I just wanted to give up hope. 

I discussed everything i was feeling with my DP and we have both decided to have a 3 month break. Although i don't really want to, i don't think i could cope with another 2ww. Its so upsetting and then when you get the AF at the end with the pain as you girls know, it just feels as though you have been through so much for nothing. I am just so depressed at the moment. I have been given 40mg Prozac and 15mg Valium daily to try and keep me under control as i am so down and having really bad anxiety does. I just don't know what to do.  

I just hope that this 3 month break will do me a little bit of good. I am going to get back to knowing my DP again as lately it has been all about babies (becoming the obsession of my life, which you girls will know). We haven't spent enough time together as a couple. So that is the first thing i will be trying to do. 

Anyway. Thank you all for listening. I just needed to get it off my chest. 

   heading everyone Else's way

Melanie


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## mads (Feb 20, 2006)

Melanie,
Bless you honey, just wanted to send u a great big    
Take care, that goes for your DP too,
Love Mads xxx


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thanks Hun. That means alot. My DP is also so upset and it makes it worse when you both are feeling low. 

Melanie


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## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

Hi Melanie

Im so sorry to hear about your troubles and that you are struggling to cope.  Ive been TTC for 7 1/2 years now and I admit it never gets any easier with the passing of time.

I too was prescribed a lot of clomid - 6 months, then 6 months, then 3 months - this is my final cycle this month.  It is with mixed emotions that I took this last cycle worried that my last cycle wouldnt work but also worried that if I didnt take it I would have zero chance of conceiving so what was there to lose.

Similarly Im trying not to think what will happen in 10 days time or so when AF arrives and I have to wait until I lose weight for my IUI to start, knowing that I do not ovulate unmedicated so have no chance of conceiving naturally.  However, even knowing all this, and even with 89 BFNs under my belt I absolutely cannot give up, I could never reconcile it with myself if I did, I know I would live to regret it.

I think its a good idea that you take the anti depressants (I am still on ADs from when I was prescribed them years ago but take them now for chronic pain, however when times are hard am thankful that I am still on them).  They do take a few weeks to build up in your system so dont be surprised if you dont feel any differnt right away.  I also think its a good idea for you to take a break right now and just indulge in some "me" time and some "us" time.  I think when we focus all our energies on TTC we neglect the people who are closest to us and the things we used to enjoy.

Are you having any infertility counselling?  If not then I would strongly suggest you ask your GP or consultant to organise that for you.  I used to suffer depression on and off for many years and if there is one thing I know its that antidepressants only help to alleviate the symptoms, but unless you talk about whats depressing you and come to terms with things in your own mind it wont ever go away.  Talking is also a really good way of getting things straight in your own mind, the counsellor helps you to look at different scenarios, and to look at your own situation from different angles and it really helps.

It might also be worth having some aromatherapy or acupuncture to help you destress as well.  Stress alone can cause problems conceiving and if you are suffering from depression over your infertility then this certainly will not be helping.  Might be worth having a look around and see whats available in your area.  Ive had acupuncture before and it was very relaxing.  Massage is also a fantastic way to destress and relax.

Its obvious that you dont feel like you have the strength to carry on right now so taking a break is the right thing to do.  Use the time to tackle this so that when you restart treatment you will be stronger, more positive and more focused on the journey ahead of you.  It never gets easier but taking these steps will make you stronger and help you to cope when it gets tough again.

Wishing you the very best of luck for the journey ahead.  Its not easy dealing with infertility no matter how long you've been trying to conceive.  We are all here for you any time you need to talk.

Take good care, sending over a 

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thankyou witchie poo cat for all your kind words. Everything you have said is so true and feel as though because you have had the same amount of clomid as me you will understand more. I can't imagine how the 7 1/2 years have been for you. I'm giving up after 3 years but you give me strength to carry on

I'm definitely going to have some me time and us time during the 3 month break. I might even start taking the Clomid next month if i feel up to it, otherwise i will stick to my 3 month break. I don't know. My head is all over the place at the moment. 

I am seeing a counsellor every Friday. I have also seen a phyciatrist and am just about to see a clinical nurse physcologist to help me change the way i think because sometimes i feel quite suicidal. I don't want to die but i can't cope with the emotional rollercoaster i am on every month and that is the main reason why i am taking the break. 2 weeks ago i went for a aromatherapy message and my local beauticians. Oh My God! it was lovely but because i had so many stress nodules i felt so bruised the next day. But it was lovely at the time and i will be trying acupuncture at some point. I just need to get some money together first with being off work for the past 2 months classed as unstable and debilitated.

Thankyou again for your understanding. Its so good that girls on here can help me when i am feeling really low. I know that although i will be having a break from ttc, i will be popping in here from time to time to keep up to date with everyones progress.

Take care and   

Melanie


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Hi Melanie
Wanted to send you bucket loads of 
Its a tough decision but you need to do whats right with you.
Look after yourself xxxx


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thank you Flower pot. Alll your support means alot to me

Lots of     to you all

melanie


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## MrsG1405 (Jun 6, 2006)

Hi Melanie

I just read your post on my thread and then saw your thread...I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low, and I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to put positive messages on for me despite feeling so low in yourself.

I was on AD's for almost 4 years, and although I am not them anymore, I still remember how hard things got.  It wasn't for the same reasons, but I know how completely soul destroying it can be and how difficult it can make things with DP's.  My DH (who was DP at the time) says on reflection that  watching me whilst I was low was the most awful thing he has ever had to do.  

Taking some time for you as a couple will really help to lift you both, as despite everything, you will gain so much satisfaction from knowing that you are not on your own.  It will also help your DP to deal with everything as well, as this can't be easy for him either.  We did silly things together when I was ill to help us get to know each other again - we used to just get in the car and drive to the sea (about 1 1/2 hours from here) and buy fish and chips which we would eat whilst walking along the beach.  It was a cheap and silly day out, but definitley made us feel better about things.  It's hard to feel sad when you have a portion of hot chips in your hand!!!    One day off the diet won't hurt!!

I hope that things get easier for you and if you ever need someone to chat to just let me know

Mrs G


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Melanie just want to send you a  hunnie x


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## sweetpeapodder (Feb 6, 2005)

Melanie - I was so sorry to read your post - I agree with the practical stuff Mrs G and Witchie posted.  Depression is a dreadful thing and you are doing exactly the right thing by getting some support and proper treatment for it - you are suffering from an illness after all.

Go for the break and take the time to gather some extra strength - the last scan sounded really positive hun - one thing worth remembering is that for chicks like us, clomid only levels the playing field for conception chances - it is still about only 25% (?) each cycle if you ovulate? Therefore you can be unlucky for several cycles  .  

Please do take care and remember the boards are here for you


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thank you for your posts Mrs Nikki and Sweetpeapodder. Its lovely to know that you girls are here for me!

Mrs G. You are certainly right when you say soul destroying. I feel so empty and i don't know what to do about it   about the fish and chips. Eh! i do that. Cheap but cheerful and it always makes me feel better aswell. DP is very fragile at the moment, but the best thing is pressure is off us both. We said that we were going to have a month of sex aswell (TMI) but last night well after he got sunburnt the divvy he is, and me rubbing after sun into his burnt skin. Well it just happened   naturally for the first time in the last 12 months. Normally it is just routine for a baby and not for us. Well this time it wasn't and although we both said we would have a few months off, things are getting better already. I'm feeling a little better today. I have my medication well in my system now and i am hoping to cut back on the valium now i am feeling a little better.

Thankyou again for all your support. I will keep you all in touch with how i am going on. You girls are my life line. Without you, i don't know what i would do.

Take care
Melanie


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## jocole69 (Dec 19, 2004)

Hi,

It does sound like you really do both need a break from all this TTC business. Also, it could be the clomid pills changing your emotions and personality etc too.  I've only been on them 5 months and feel a bit like you do.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you loads of luck and hope you get back to your old self soon. You never know it may happen without the   pills and with less stress      

Take Care,  Jo x
PS. I take Citalopram for mild social phobia and panic attacks and they are brill (similar to your meds) remember if by some way you did get pg you would have to gradually come off them, but they should really help lots!! x


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Thanks Jo. I also used to be on citalapram but the doctor then changed me to dosulepin and now onto prozac. The citalapram did work in my teens but he prefers me to be on this prozac whilst ttc. 

You are right. We both do need a really good break so thats what we are going to do. Thankyou for the post. Everyone is being so supportive. This is the kind of therapy that makes you feel better and this is the therapy which comes for free.

Thankyou again
Melanie


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