# I give up!



## Jet (Jun 10, 2003)

Hello Girls  
Sorry but just feel the need to rant   after 11 years of ttc and putting on lots of happy faces for every friend, family and anyone else who tells me that they are expecting (and inside I am screaming) but my voice says that is wonderful news (and it is) but I just cannot see it that way anymore when is it going to be my turn  
It has been 2 weeks of rollercoaster ride of the 2ww we test tomorrow but as usual I have started bleeding again, Why do I never make it to test day without bleeding first??   all our treatments have finished with me bleeding between day 7 to day 9 only this one made it to day 12 and I was sooo happy that just maybe mother nature had given us a break but no...
We have done every test under the sun all my tubes are fine, immunology all came back normal, the only down side was any embryos we produce are slow (we have had PGD embryos came back normal) so thinking that maybe it was my eggs we went for a proven donor that had got her ladies all pregnant except me of course!!!    I just give up I spend all day yesterday crying my heart out, and to top it off all my work know that I have had infertilty tx because of going off for blood test ect and tomorrow they will be wanting to know if I am pregnant and will have to smile and say no!!!!!!!!!
I know lots of you ladies know what I am going on about and wish none of us had to endure this pain it is not fair...
Thank you for reading my post and I am sorry to rant
Good luck to all
Jet


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Jet Huni, please please know you are ABSOLUTELY NOT ranting ......

I can really empathise with your pain - your story sounds horribly familiar.

You are right, it is SO unfair and why oh why is mother B***dy nature so cruel in making you "hang on" that extra few days - I can really imagine what that did to your head.

Huni, things have been really hard now and for such a long time.  I am sensing you are putting alot of pressure on yourself just now when you are at your most vulnerable and so  understandably raw.

Starting with your friends ........ I can appreciate that it must be getting absolutely unbearable to hear of pregnancies/births after 11 long years of heartache.  I can only advise that you do what you feel comfortable with.  don't push it.  Your "real" friends will not understand fully, but if they make an effort to try and "empathise" then that is enough for me.  As for the rest, they're not worth the emotional energy ..... I know this sounds hard but you are so vulnerable, sensitive, raw, heartbroken, frustrated and everything else that comes with IF that you HAVE to look after yourself.  Don't feel pressurised into screaming " CONGRATULATIONS " when you are hurting inside, don't feel pressurised into baby talk and don't feel pressurised into doing maternity wards either.  Unfortunately, the only thing we can control in all of this is our dignity and a retaining a bit of self-preservation.

As for work, I understand it is so difficult.  I know I ended up resenting the fact that all my colleagues knew about such a personal and intimate part of my life but at the same time, as you say it's impossible to hide it when you've been going away for bloods/scans for such a long period of time.  Like you, I used to feel that everbody would be thinking, "is she pregnant then ?" as SOON as I walked in the door in the morning and I was so self-conscious that they were thinking about my situation every time they saw me.  However, my Mum made me realise that the reality is, they are probably not thinking about us as much as we feel they are.  It is such a HUGE thing to us and we put so much pressure on ourselves it's unbearable.

I would suggest you take a few days/weeks off work until you feel emotionally strong enough to cope with work.  The way I tried to cope was to tell people about the tx but politely ask them not to mention ANYTHING about it to me at work - no questions please.  I'm sure if you found a sympathetic GP they would gladly give you a line after everything you've been through.  This is such a huge issue to try and deal with and you need time to get your head round it all before even thinking about facing colleagues ....  You need to take time out to grieve and get all your raw emotions out.

The fact that all your tests have been "normal" is so so frustrating.  I can only imagine.  Like you, I'm "unexplained" although i have got these "apparent" NKCs.  i wish I knew what the answer is.

I really feel our stories are similar and I feel your pain - I just want to give you a huge (((((((( HUG ))))))) and be there for you as someone who really understands .....

At the moment, I would advise to not look forward and don't look back.  Just get through a day at a time.  Don't panic, don't make any rash decisions about future options, just look after yourself and try to heal those raw wounds.  (I know the older ones never completely heal either but the new ones need extra special tlc)  Only once you've had time to grieve can you begin to think a bit more clearly and perhaps think about 2nd opinions from consultants, future tx, or deciding enough is enough.

I really hope you take the time you need huni, please please don't think about work just now.  It is so unimportant on the grand scale of things.

Let us know how you go and we are all here for you,
All my love
Gill xo


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

HI Jet,

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak, especially aftr such a long time of TTC, and as Gill says its so unbearably cruel of mother nature to raise your hopes. It makes me so sad that people have to experience this. There is nothing I can say that Gill hasn't already said so much more articulately, but wanted you to send you supportive vibes.

I so understand what you are saying about putting on a brave face all the time when friends get pg, none of them can ever realise just how hard it is to do, when inside it just hurts more each time. My cousin's wife has just had their 2nd little boy, not long after we've ben told to give up on tx. Although I'm normally v.close to them I haven't been able to contact them at all, I just don't feel strong enough. he has called me twice and I am ignoring his calls...feel terrible but as Gill says we are raw and heartbroken and just trying desperately to maintain some sanity. I think she is right that if you can't face being brave, then just don't be, you need to look fter yourself, and these are the times we find out who are true friends are...those that are patient with us and try to empathise.

I really strongly feel you should think about takeing a few days off work. You need space for yourself, and it won't do your colleagues any harm to realise that this is a painful time for you.

I am sorry not to be very helpful, but thinking of you. Come and chat here whenevr you want, these girls are brilliant.

Ermey
x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Welcome Jet- i echo what all the girls have said to you.We have all been where you are and it is a lonely place. You need to give yourself some time - take time off work if you need to. i took 5 weeks off after my failed tx last year. Only one person  i am close to in work knew why i was really off.(i had also had an ulcer from stress so told the others it was that). My doctor was very understanding and put stress on my line as he knew i didnt want everyone to know.

I felt better when i was off as i didnt have to see anyone i didnt want to.i missed 2 christenings last year too and although we missed another one this year it was actually dh's decision not to go and i was glad. i did finally go and see a friend who had a baby last year (when i had my 2nd failed iui) as i felt i was a bit stronger. But we all have bad days and months- i will be going thru it all again in next year when sisters get married and start ttc!!!! I am dreading it but what i have learned from last year is that i will take time to myself if i cant face them.

Take care and take some time to think. Good luck!


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## Jet (Jun 10, 2003)

Thank you for replying back you all make me feel that I am not alone, I thank you for your kind words.
I will take time to grieve and with time I will bounce back again.
I know what you mean about christenings over the years I have not gone to many, allways coming up with excuses they are just to painful.
I hope all our wishes come true very soon. 
Jet


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Jet
Welcome to the thread and i am so glad that you felt comfortable to come here and express your feelings and pain to us all..
Firstly i am so sorry that you have had another failed treatment. Its an experience that is so overwhelming that it is so hard to explain the depth of it all. It makes it worse when you feel that it keeps happening and  'why can't it be me' and 'what have i done to get this s**t ' ?...
I feel total empathy with you and your partner and i must say 11yrs of this rollercoaster i am amazed that and you are still in one piece. That sounds alot for you as a person and you are a strong person who has fought for everything to get a baby, but just been kicked in the face..
I am with the rest of the girls and their comments. Try and take one day at a time because if you do look forward you will be putting extra pressure on youself...
Its time to look after yourself?
Have you sat down with your partner and talked about how you really feel we sometimes go in different directions because of the pain that we each endure. However they are ones that really do understand because they live with us... so keep in there Jet you deserve something good in your life...
You know where we are...just be kind to yourself there is alot of pain and loss going on in your life...
Thinking of you love astridxx


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