# Advice please re new adoption mummy



## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Girls

I would really appreciate your advice, and apologies in advance if I don't have the lingo right. I'm familiar with the infertility threads and lingo but not the adoption world!

My friend has recently been told she is getting a little girl placed with her next month.  The baby will soon be one so I am so so pleased for her as I know she wanted a young child though was open to older children, up to 4/5 I think.  She was approved over three years ago so I think her and dh, and the rest if us, had thought the system was just crap and that she'd never get a baby.  But thank god she did.

Anyway my friend has been through terrible years, a loss at full term and then years of ivf with numerous miscarriages before she moved on to adoption, probably similar to lots of your stories? She really really deserves this little baby and her special time now getting ready for her coming home etc.

Because I'm still in the midst of ivf and just had a very sore failure, I am not in a good place I'm getting myself worked up about not saying the wrong thing to her, how to treat her and new baby, what to buy etc.  I think we'll be fine tbh and we are good friends but I really would welcome some pearls of wisdom.  I suppose if anyone has ever said or done anything that was insensitive/hurtful I'd appreciate knowing what it was, and equally any particularly good reactions I'd also like to hear them.  Also practical advice re gifts etc would be good.  I know her and dh are out shopping for all the necessities at the moment so perhaps nice things that they can't afford coz they have the essentials to get? Or maybe an essential?

When she got the good news just last week I did manage to find a lovely baby girl card that didnt say congrats on the birth of your baby so hopefully that was the right thing.  I want to do the right thing but perhaps I'm over thinking this??

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.  Any advice welcome if you feel like sharing it.
Thanks

De41


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

The card is lovely we got loads and I cried happy tears for all of them. As u r special friends maybe u could get something a bit special maybe a little bangle engraved with her new lo name.  We got loads of things and everything is special because as I am sure u understand its a moment they thought would never happen.

Hope things get easier for u soon. Xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I think you are going to do brilliantly!  What a lovely friend you are to be posting here to try to get it all so right for your pal.    Don't think about it too much, just listen to what she says and support her in her decisions.  She's your friend so she won't mind the odd question that might sound strange to her, because she knows it's all new to you.  Just be there for her and try to understand the different way in which she might parent.  As hard as it is, don't rush in to see them, let her tell you when they are ready and don't try to cuddle the baby or change nappies, she'll want to do all the main care.  Do other things, like helping to clear up, take some dinner round, ask if she'd like company for any trips out maybe? 

Gifts, well, that's a hard one, it's not that easy to find adoptions specific stuff but the usual baby stuff is welcome in my opinion.  

Much luck to her, and to you.


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

No advice really de as am not there yet, other than one i reckon will be a no brainer to a thoughtful thing like you but just don't refer to her  'real' parents (it's birth parents) but mostly just wanted to say sorry you are licking your wounds. And you'll be fine. The fact you aren't meant to cuddle new adoptive children etc may taken sme potential pressure off.
Good luck - lucky Friend to have you x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

to you

you sound like a smashing friend  


for me the nicest thing was just people being so happy for us and saying so..so sending a card was a nice thing to do  
like the others have said when a new child is placed they all need some space and time to adjust so thats handy for you, you dont need to rush round and be over enthusiastic   and no you wont need to cuddle the baby, possibly for a long time..it will nned a long aatachment period to its new mummy. you can be interested and a good friend by sending supportive emails/texts and offering to help with getting shopping etc. good friends brought us round dinner (unasked) which was a godsend as our needs came last in the early days..if I'd been asked I would probably have said 'oh dont worry we're fine' but when it just arrived it was lovely!


re gifts..toys and books are always nice and not as 'difficult' (emotionally) to buy as baby clothes I always found. one of my friends got a little 3 legged wooden stool for each of my children with their name carved on top which was lovely and they adore them..


things not to say..dont pry about the childs background..its private information that adopters are sensitive to sharing..othe than that you sound like a lovely sensitive person so I'm sure you'll do fine!


kj x


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi honey!

If you are a very close friend, you could offer to prepare some meals to put in their fridge. For the first few weeks the new mummy is going to be physically and emotionally shattered so some pasta salad etc in the fridge will be a life saver 

J
xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We too were happy to get cards etc. and gifts, lovely cute clothes as most of ours were hand me downs!

People were also very good about checking how soon they could come round and, when they did, if it was ok to have a cuddle (our baby was a bit unwell at the start but after that he was too small for it to matter, but we were grateful they checked).


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hello DE41 - what a lovely post and so thoughtful of you to think about it. I'm only just starting our adoption journey, so no first hand experience, but learning lots by just reading these threads so would echo everything everyone else has said:

1) card & present is a lovely idea
2) text messages to see how your friend is getting on during intros and when LO comes home - but don't be upset if you don't get a reply for hours or a day! 
3) your friend will need to build an attachment with her LO - so when you go around ask her how she wants you to interact with LO re playing, cuddles etc. When you pop around maybe the best ways you could help are making the tea/coffe, doing the washing up, folding clean clothes etc whilst talking to your friend. I'm sure she woud never ask you to do it, but woud appreciate it so much
4) taking dinner or a food parcel is a fab idea. Again, I'm sure your friend wouldn't ask or like keenjay said she would have said no, but would be so appreciated! 
5) maybe volunteer to do the food shopping? 

I'm sure you will do the right thing - just the fact you posted here means you are very thoughtful. I hope you are dealing with your recent tx failure and wish you all the best with any future tx or path you decide to take


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all this really helpful advice.  I had no idea about not cuddling baby. While i am sure id have been fine about that, in a way it is a bit of a relief too. 

I had thought they'd want time and space so will keep in text contact at start and not go rushing round, though in a way I want to, just coz I want her to know and see how happy I am for her and of course her dh who is just the best.

She'd never ask for help with anything, a bit independent like myself, but I think the suggestion of bringing round food at some stage is a great one and I will offer to do shopping etc but I know she'll say no.  Whereas if I leave her some food for freezer she can hardly refuse it, lol.

I love love the idea of a bracelet with baby's name on it.  I got one of those when i was born and have been keeping it ever since in the hope that one day I'd have a baby to wear it.  But now I'm wondering if the baby will keep its name or will they give her a new one.  Oh god, it sounds awful even typing that.  Sorry, I just don't know what the norm is or if there even is a norm? I'm thinking that as baby is almost one she will know and recognise her name so I'm thinking it wouldn't be changed?  I have heard of one case of parents changing baby's name after adoption but only one case and baby was only a few months old, plus it was 30 odd years ago.  My friend has used the baby's name in texts to me and has not said anything about name changes so perhaps I'd be safe enough assuming they will keep name that birth mother gave her.  I'll maybe buy some clothes and toys in meantime and get her bracelet in a wee while when I know for sure.

Thanks also for advice re not referring to real parents and using birth mother or birth parents I would like to think that I wouldn't have used that terminology but really appreciate being told it anyway as you just never know what phrases might slip out when we're deep on chat.  When we get together we can talk and drink coffee for 4 hours and by the sounds of things those days are gone! But all for a good cause eh!

I am an inquisitive person and when my friend fostered some kids I did ask about background of kids.  Sometimes my friend knew and she did seem happy enough to share.  We used to chin wag for hours about the terrible lives some kids have.  But as this is her wee own baby, iykwim, as opposed to a short term foster placement, I think I'll take your advice and hold back on the questions.  I suppose if I were in her shoes I'd almost like to think that the babies life started when she arrived with me and anything before that is irrelevant, kind of!

Thanks again for all your advice and I'll check in again over the next few days to see if there's any more.

Good luck with all your journeys.

De41


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

What a lovely post.

Cards are great, and I'm sure your friend will appreciate that while you're happy for her, it's hard for you, we've all been there.  It's lovely to have others celebrate our children with us, and it's hard when people don't recognise our new additions in the same way they would a birth child.

Thinking about gifts, what about a book for little one.  There are a lot of lovely books for that age group.  You could think about a nice photo album or frame, something that your friend would keep.  Adopted children tend to "come with" a lot of toys and clothes generally, and most adopters, especially those with girls, buy loads of clothes because we've all waited so long.  If you were going to get something like that, I'd definitely buy a size big!

As others have said, the biggest help is often just helping out a bit.

All the best,

Wyxie


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## DE43 (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks wyxie
Just been on line and bought two books and some nice picture frames. 
Thanks again everyone for your advice.
Got speaking to friend today for first time since she got the news last week, been in text contact and emails but not talking to her, and omg she sounds so so ecstatic.  
She finished work today.  We both are in same line of work and the adoption leave is generous.  Think she said she's off now for 40plus weeks, which includes some holidays she has built up.  No doubt she'll need every minute of it.  I do hope everything goes well for her.  The introductory visits start on Monday and I know she'll be fine but god I think I'm more anxious about it all than she is. 
Good luck everyone and thanks again.
De41


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