# Is it ok to occasionally still feel angry?



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi,


I hope someone can help me along today as I am really struggling. We have started our hs and are 3 sessions in. We have a fantastic social worker and so far it is going better than we could have ever anticipated.
Like many people here, after we finished treatment I went through a very dark time. A lot of reflecting, reading, support and counselling and I'm proud to say the sun once again started shining a while back and we are exciting for the first time in a long time. 


I know 100% that we are doing the right thing, infant nothing has ever felt so right but for the last week or so I have become sad on times but predominantly angry. I know they saw the cycle of grieve doesn't Ron cyclical and that you can revisit emotions but should I be still feeling angry if we have moved on? 


I have been reading 'the primal wound' and 25 thinks adopted kids  want their parents to know and to be honest they have scared to poop out of me. I know they are only one persons opinion but they paint such a bleak picture. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses but they have made me feel that dh and I will always be second best to our children.  I feel very angry at this and I am also feeling angry again at my infertility that it has put us in this position iykwim.
Sorry I am waffling but I suppose what I am asking is :
Is it normal to still feel angry that you can't be a birth mum or 'tummy mummy' as the books refer or does this mean that I haven't moved on from my infertility grief yet?


I truly hope someone can answer and help me because at the mo I am feeling so confusedby my emotions


Ps I am also VERY premenstrual at the mo so that prob isn't helping   
Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Flash,
in my opinion it's perfectly normal to have these feelings, in my experience feelings of sadness or anger can hit at any time but especially during the adoption process as subconsciously you are bound to be revisiting your own feelings around motherhood. I began to read 'Primal Wound' and have to admit put it away again as it did make me question what I was doing on the adoption road, I found it very negative and not at all helpful for prospective adopters.
I think its important to acknowledge your feelings and not try to suppress them. Be kind to yourself, there are many more emotional times to come!
hope it helps to know you are not alone... xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Flash


Sorry i didnt want to read and run!   I am incredibly lucky to be pregnant, on our 4th and final go.  But i can honestly say that even though i know i am very very lucky, i still feel that infertility plays a part in my life.  I have struggled to move forward into the world of being pregnant and still feel a lot of pain and anger over the dark years.  


I think even though you may have made the very positive step of wanting to adopt it doesnt mean that you can forget!  Except that its still hard and that at the end of the day  your only human   .  Good luck with the adoption process hope it continues to go well.  xx


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

I agree that it is very normal to feel angry and you shouldn't worry that its just you who feels this way because its not  home study can be stressful and make you rake over things that you would rather forget and leave in some dark cupboard right at the back of your mind! I've read many stories of adoption and all the parents say as soon they have their adoptive child all the old feelings disappear and are replaced with happy ones. Hope you feel better soon! 

H x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

My advice would to take "primal wound" put it in a box and bury it in a big deep hole in the garden!  It's the 'dementor' in the world of adoption books!!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I think it's completely normal to have pangs and sad times. I do agree that I didn't end up primal wound as its just so bleak and from speaking to many wonderful adopters it's not all relevant. Yes it may exist but the books on attachment and trauma are much more reflective. 20 things I wish my adoptive parents knew is a good book to gain perspective if that helps balance the view point.
X x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Well said Ruthie  . I'd burn the book ( ) and then buy 'Dear Fatty', Dawn French's autobiography which is much more of an uplifting read (Dawn French is an adopter so talks about her kids in the book  )

I know I am number one to my DS, he desperately needs me as all kids need their Mums.  As Mummy, you  will be number one to your child  . Honestly, you will  

X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I googled that book and there are a lot of perspective and adoptive parents who felt like you did after reading it.  xxxxxxx


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi Flash123,

I hope its totally normal as I feel like that too sometimes.  

Obviously not all the time but when I do it clobbers me as it is usually so random and I cant put my finger on why it reared its ugly head.

I found the HS enjoyable whilst I was doing it but in hindsight I think I probably spent 6 months on egg shells subconsciously and I am guessing a lot of my negativity would have been through mental exhaustion - could this be the same for you?  I also like you think PMT is a killer when feeling tender and sensitive.

Do you know any friends that have adopted so you can go and see the reality of adoption not just the darkness that the book paints?  Or perhaps volunteer at an adoption coffee morning to reinforce in your mind that the kids are just kids and the families look happy and normal  

I recently did this at a family adoption day and I was so surprised (i have no idea why and am quite ashamed to voice it) that the families all looked happy and normal and the children were doing what children do ; just playing, running, having fun etc etc and not causing huge scenes and fighting constantly.

Hope the bad cloud passes soon x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you all so very much for sharing your wisdom and time. I promise you all that just reading your comments has told me I'm not alone and that these feelings are in fact 'normal'. That in itself is worth so very much. 
Crazy, I agree so much about acknowledging. Only then can we rationalise, reflect, digest and eventually move on.

primal wound is well and truly gone  and dear fatty is on its way - what would we do without amazon. 

KGB- when we were serving our 'post treatment probationary time' I spent 2 mornings with 2 friends of friends who had adopted and it was wonderful. In hindsight it did me more good and I learnt more on those mornings than I have from any book. I will def follow your advice and text to sort another visit. Last time it really did my heart good seeing the bond they shared.

My dh gave me a beautiful poem, its downstairs but Here's a link to it: http://www.wanderingmist.com/inspiration/a-beautiful-poem-on-child-adoption/
Thanks again xxxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Yes, perfectly normal!    I am so excited about adopting and being the forever mummy of a little one, but I'm still angry I'll never get to birth my own.  It's not a consuming anger, and sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not, but it's perfectly natural and normal.  It comes to the surface when we're doing something really difficult to do with adopting, and I think, "why does it have to be so hard?"

But when things are easier I feel like adopting is something we were always meant to do, and we were just slow to get the message!  

I avoided the Primal Wound (LOVE the dementor comment, Ruthie!) because of feedback from this site.  I'm too vulnerable to the black side of things when stressed, and I've learned how best to support my own emotional health!  If not burning, I'd recommend shredding it, using it as pet bedding, and possibly composting or flushing down the toilet.  *g*  I've liked the Caroline Archer Tiddlers and Toddlers book, because although it doesn't pull punches and pretend everything's always easy, it gives lovely suggestions, tips and tools for attachment and play, and celebrates adopters.

We're doing a wonderful, loving, courageous and generous thing.

WE ROCK.

*high fives everyone*


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

(Can you tell I've had caffeine this morning?)


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I love it - I too am on a caffeine drive. I am on leave at the mo caring for my mum but she has no hospital appt today so I have been painting the conservatory since 7 ish - dh thinks I'm barking as it wasn't even properly light yet  

A few people have recommended that book, so I def think another visit to amazon is required.

It is so reassuring to know that it's normal. Like you, I am really proud of what we are doing (don't get me wrong it's for purely selfish reasons- I want a family!) and like you said I also think we were meant to tread this path. For a long time so many things went wrong and dh used to say for a long time that he felt someone was trying to tell us something e.g an emergency helicopter landed as we were going for et, we were delayed and missed our et time ,another  cycle we both contracted food poisoning so that et was cancelled. We do laugh about it now mind you.

Thanks aoc xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You're welcome, m'lovely.    ((((hugs))))


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

My SW gave me that poem at prep course  think ill frame it once we get approved\matched and put it in LO's nursery x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

AoC loved your post as it said everything I feel ;-)


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

As one who has "come out the other side"    I read that poem at our son's Christening nearly three years ago!  It's just a different route to parenthood, and we are by no means second best to our children.


Peacelily xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Gertie.  

That's lovely, peacelilly!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Such lovely posts, with lovely sentiments. Thank you all so much ladies xxx


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## E3021 (May 28, 2010)

Hi Flick and everyone else,

such lovely thoughts from so many of you, a really nice, human thread to read!

I too would recommend the Tiddlers and Toddlers book - it was one of the best things we read during our home study.

Our children have been home for three months now and I love them both to pieces and am the happiest i've ever been BUT I still have days where I feel absolutely gutted that I haven't got a birth child, that our parenting is made that much harder - by endless social worker involvement, by having to get to know a toddler and help them settle into a new home instead of knowing them inside out from their very beginning, by the insensitive people who ask 'so will they call you mummy then?'

After so long trying to have a birth child it would be wierd if it all evaporated, I think for me anyway, the longing will always be there, but I've accepted it and moved on (apart from PMT days!) so although it still hurts sometimes it's something I can live with and it doesn't cloud my every waking moment like it did pre-adoption.

HOWEVER - adoption is a wonderful thing, I do feel like a 'real' mummy as in, my children look to me for everything and I spend all my time thinking about them and how to look after them the best I can.

Stick with it, adoption is harder but it's still brilliant and there are some lovely people out there who can pick you up on a 'blue' day.


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm so glad you binned the primal wound (and of course it's okay to feel angry sometimes, you don't need anyone's permission).

I'm an adopter, and I'm also adopted. It irritates me (hence I'm about to rant! lol) that so much kudos is put on books like the primal wound, and the school of thinking these books are borne from (the cynic in me can't help but notice how much of a money spinner it is – there's a definite market where vulnerable adoptive parents can be easily guilt tripped into parting with their cash. Take 'Attachment Experts' as another example, there's a whole raft of them popping up and plying their wares on the web). 

Apparently, as an adoptee, I don't have 'normal' trials and tribulations, mine are all intrinsically linked to my 'primal wound'. Seriously, it's nonsense. In truth it's an incredibly divisive and discriminatory assertion, no wonder younger adoptees feel 'different' when they're constantly being told it's abnormal for them to feel otherwise. As an adoptee, I got a flavour of it during home study. Given that I had no hang ups about it, and saw my adoptive status as just one facet (and one which had always been largely insignificant) of my being, well I was (of course) in denial  Thank goodness I was never subject to that sort of pigeon-hole pressure as a child.

No doubt there are people who struggle with it, and I'd never want to undermine those people. The majority of us though (given that there are tens of thousands of adoptees in the UK) aren't in therapy, we're just leading normal lives.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

What a fantastic, honest and uplifting post. Thank you so much for posting and sharing it. To be honest it makes my blood boil how these 'experts' seem make such sweeping generalisations and stereotypical statements about how adoptees are expected to feel and behave. After reading some of the sugggested books i really idnt know if i was being totally niave in my beliefs - Yes I know there are people who have difficulties and yes sometimes these are due to their  adoptive xperiences but life is full of difficulties and issues whether you are adopted or not. My dad died from a long illness when I was 12. Wen I became a typical teenager 'experts' said I was acting out buried grief and loss. After the failure of our 1st treatment I became very down and depressed- again it was due to unresolved issues from my childhood. B******t - I was behaving normally. Thy also said I was in denial lol.

Do you mind me asking quite a personal question because as an adoptee I would really value and respect your opinion - but I totally understand if you would rather not.

In many of the books it's suggests empathising with your child and normalising emotions such as anger by suggesting they should feel angry/ upset at certain times e.g. (and I quote from 1 book!) if I was adopted I think I would find birthdays difficult do you feel angry tht you can't share your day with your birth mum? 

Would this not make you feel you should be feeling those emotions and if you aren't then something is wrong? Depending on the child, Could it be infact counterproductive and create an issue that isn't there? 

I also agree that they are taping into a very vulnerable market. As a prospective adopter I really want to do the best I can - be the best parent I can be and from many angles you are hit with 'the best way to do that is by reading these books' . I sometimes think my dh has the right attitude, he is constantly berating me with -  " if it happens it happens, I'll find answers then, coz you won't remember any of that c*** you've read anyway" 

Take care x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

ha ha Flash your Dh sounds just like mine!

Daizy thanks for your post xx


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi Flash,

I don't mind at all answering questions, happy to. 

Honestly, I've never thought about my birth parents on birthdays, christmas etc.

In truth the times when I was most prone to thinking about my birth Mum was when I was at odds with my adoptive Mum (the teenage years, predominantly, when probably most of us feel angry at our parents for curtailing us!). My thoughts about my birth parents were always pretty selfish (and shallow) in nature (and were about my birth Mum in the main, I've never felt anything really about my birth Father, I think because I've got an amazing adoptive Dad). It was usually a romanticised comparison where my birth Mother would've allowed me to stay out past 10 o'clock, my birth Mother would've let me go to the party etc. Whilst most teenagers probably feel misunderstood and 'hemmed in' by their parents at one point or another, I had that extra 'avenue' to explore and fantasise over, about this perfect Mother who'd have let me do as I pleased!

I think too much focus CAN be counter productive, if you're talking to your child every day (or even every week) about their adoptive status then it's likely that they'll become preoccupied (and perhaps even obsessed) with it, instead of laid back and comfortable with it. I don't think it's necessary, nor healthy, for an adoptee to have it at the forefront of their mind all the time.  

That said, there were definitely aspects of adoption which needed to be addressed. Closed adoption (some people weren't aware until adulthood that they were adopted, for example) wasn't working, adopted people wanted to know their history and some (though not, by any means, all) adopted adults have said that they'd have liked more (continued) information about birth families whilst growing up. These were issues that needed addressing, however instead of addressing individual issues it seems the powers that be have set out to reinvent the wheel. I see lots of adoptive parents speaking in terms of when rather than if (on subjects such as tracing birth family/looking at social work files etc.) Parents are encouraged (obliged, even) to treat adoptive status as a defining characteristic that MUST impact on the adoptees life in some way, there HAS to be evidence that they're uber aware of it, the threat being that your adopted child will reach adulthood and hate you for not getting it absolutely right. It's no longer a mere possibility that your adopted child may wish to trace birth family, or look at social work files once old enough, it's a guarantee. Indeed you must remind them that this is something they'll want to do. I just think it takes away an adopted persons right (and I believe it IS a right) to decide for themselves what approach they want to take.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I've really appreciated these posts.  We are a few weeks away from panel and at our prep course I did say a few times that we are all in danger of over thinking this process.  I know it's a slightly different way to make a family but the little people we adopt may have issues that will be perfectly normal for their age, life stage, life experiences and nothing to do with adoption.  I struggle with the fact that no one ever allows that things could go very well, the children could just be normal children and we can all live our lives without constant 'psychoanalysis' of why they feel/think a certain way.

One of our original SW's said that our child/children would never be normal like my cousin's daughter.  I found that really dismissive and it made me very angry.


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Well said Katie-G.  We are well aware that issues can and will crop at different stages in our son's life (and, fingers crossed, our second child) but at this point things have gone very well and our child has normal issues for his age, life stage and experiences   


Peacelily xx


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

How awful to have a SW say that to you Katie. 
Social workers have no idea how a child is going to fare, often they don't actually know the child on any sort of personal level. I've no issue with them preparing adoptive parents for the worst case scenario, that's their job, it's not their job to write the kids off purely by virtue of the fact that they're in need of adoption. 
In truth, SW's only remain involved when adoptive parents seek post adoption support – they're not privy to a balanced picture.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Our sw is fantastic and she has said on several occasions that as adoptive parents we must try not to over- analyse everything. Good, sensible advice I think.

I do wonder, how many potential, loving adoptive parents have been put off by the 'bleak stuff' which subsequently means more lo caught up in the care system for longer.


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