# Starting point?



## len (Mar 9, 2005)

Hi,

DH and I are still officially ICSI and to be honest we haven't given up on this treatment yet.  However after believing DH wasn't interested in adoption due to comments made several years ago it now appears he's changed his mind (amazing what IF does!).  We are not entirely sure of our next moves etc but would like to find out a bit more on the subject to help us decide.  I feel the same as someone else posted on here, I know nearly everything about IF and now I'm back to square one.

Can anyone tell me what effect age has on process (I'm 38 later this year, DH only 34)?  If we do decide to go for it would be willing to take siblings but wouldn't want too old, does this make me sound awful?  Also what are their views on working Mums?  Didn't intend to give up work if ICSI worked so don't suppose I would if was approved for adoption.

It just seems a total mine field and all very scarey.  At least with ICSI it may not be working but I could do it in my sleep!  Thanks for any advice.

Love Len


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi Len..
I'm glad i finished ivf so could start adoption , i was not getting anywhere with it only tears and sadness. i could not find my hart in it anymore
i don't think it matters on age. and its not sad that you want a Little one (age) we have gone for 0-2  years but its up the the panel what age we have.
it wont matter if you work you just would be as if its your own child...take care . but really think things over    molly xox


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## RubyRoo (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi Len, I feel totally the same as you!  We have already had 5 icsi treatments but are not quite ready to give up yet.  We used my cousin as a donor for the last treatment as our clinic suggested donor eggs but that didn't work either.  we are now decided on what to do next - we will definitely do another treatment but need to decide on whether to use donor eggs or donor sperm - all very confusing and are having another consultation with our clinic on the 21st to talk it all though.  i also used to think i would never adopt but that was 3 years ago and before all this heartache and misery!  now i think differently and would be happy to adopt if it means that's the only way i can ever have children.  i also would be interested in siblings and would like as young as possible - but then again i suppose everybody is?  we have so far spent £25,000 on treatments so feel like this next one could well be our last one before we look into adoption.  to be honest, it terrifies me and i, like you, know nothing about the process or where to start so would be interested to know how you are getting on.  hope you are having a nice day - i've just switched over to charles & camilla wedding - how dull!


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## len (Mar 9, 2005)

Hi RubyRoo,

I don't know what we will do next!  We have a review appointment on 9th May and think we will probably change clinics to one that's a bit more "with it".  I'm not ready to give up yet but then I keep thinking if I carry on for a couple of more treatments that will take us to this time next year, then the 6 month wait before you can look at adoption, then the 9-12 month wait to get approved and then goodness knows how long to get a child placed.  By that time I would be about 40 and would probably be told I'm too old! 

I'm back on my complementary therapies at the moment and am seriously looking at hypnotherapy, just so I feel like I'm doing something.  We are now unexplained, sort of, after DH stopped smoking and improved his motility and I started charting and found out that I was actually ovulating.  There is stuff from my teenage years that could be blocking a conception........as you can tell I'm getting pretty desparate.  

Then what happens if you adopt a child and then get pregnant?  How would that make the adoptee feel and you like to think you wouldn't treat them any different but who can tell unless you're in that situation.  This is all so emotional and complicated, I'm surprised I'm as sane as I am!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Love Len


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

hi len,
the right thing to do right now is ring up and have a good chat with a social worker in the local authority(or those within a close radius- 50 miles- if that is relevant). chances are, once you stop tx, no matter how sure you are, (trust me, we stopped even before our nhs entitlement was over so were very sure) they will make you have a wait time before the course and/or assessment, but it is good to know what the situation is. here is an example of a reason why. imagine inour situation I had rung up six months later. by that point, the sw shortage was so great, they were not even taking names for at least six months. that would have been enough for us to go to another agency or have one or two goes at donor insem again.  

age doesn't realy matter anymore, which is great. at the end of the day, some la's have criteria for the very occasional non- sibling newborn, in that the baby should go to a couple with def. infertility, but you also hear of couples approved for one or two under 4 or 5's (like we are trying for) who adopt a toddler and are then flagged up for the newborn the birth mum has on the way. becky on the "loooking to start" sagas is a lovely example.  honestly though, having just finished our prep course, we were without a doubt the second youngest couple. the youngest were gong for (really) one under two child. we were thinking 2 under fives, everyone else pretty similar, and the age ranges were much over forty. infact, having just done the fertility acceptance half day course, one of the joys of adoption we talked about as women was not worying about the bio clock any more- it was about our strengths rather than our ages!  such a positive experience.
wish you all the best.

step one:
ring up and chat to a sw to find out the situ

step 2:
make some couple decisions about how far, how long etc in regards to tx (a big thing with us was- (there is nothing stopping me getting preg with donor sperm) how much do we spend, knowing that it can take one cycle or twenty, and are we prepared to spend so much when that money if we decide to stop is all money taken away fromour adopted kids? I always had adoption in the back of my mind. and to dh I think he always had the money!!!

step three:
ring again to the agency when you stop tx to let them know your intentions. they my expect a big wait. with us it was less than someother couples, but longer at other points. this is the time to tell the family and friends. you will need them onside.

step four:
plan loads of stuff to do hols etc. it's tempting to put life on hold. but itwill be anyway. so fill up your life and work adoption aroundit

step 5- take it fromthe socialworker- fromthis point it varies la to la. a year, two, then after panel two months, two years? keep your life going, everything you read or do or enjoy or throw yourself into Ifirmly believe wil have an impacton your future as a family.  

kylie
xxx


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## RubyRoo (Mar 19, 2005)

hey len, how you doing? have you thougt any further about your next steps?  i am seeing the consultation next thursday to discuss it all. the list and information from kylie was very imformative - thanks for that kylie - but also very frightening.  i feel the same as you in that if i have another treatment next month and then maybe another one after that with donor eggs - and if they both fail - and then i start looking at adoption after that, i'll be nearly 40 too and will feel worse than ever that another couple of years have passed by and i still don't have any children (and of course everybody else does)?  i don't think you should worry too much about getting pregnant after you've adopted a child already - i feel that you would always completely love an adopted child after all we've been through to get one so i'm sure it wouldn't be a problem.  basically i now try to not worry too much about things that are so far down the line like that as it just adds even more stress.  we need to try and worry about what is happening now rather than in a 'what if' situation.  i think i am about to start chinese medicine & acupuncture also - i had a consultation last night with a chap in harley street.  not really sure whether i believe in it or not to be honest (i've had acupuncture before during a treatment and it didn't make a difference) but thought i'd give it another go.  what sort of stuff are you doing - my chap was talking about drinking foul tasting herb drinks - great! anyway sorry for waffling. i hope you are feeling ok - let me know x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Len

The decision to stop tx is a personal one and only you can decide if you are ready.  Kylie has outlined the main steps, but there is alot of talking for you and dh to do.

If you need any help once you've made the decisions then join us on the boards, it would be great to welcome and encourage you along, you too Rooby Roo.

Karen x


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