# Dilemma about using an anonymous donor



## seagirl (Feb 25, 2013)

I am embarking on IUI in South Africa, and have concerns about using an anonymous sperm donor (as is the law here- all clinic donors are anonymous). I think I would feel much happier if my child had the OPTION to learn more about their donor when they are older (as is the law in UK and USA).

I would be interested to hear from those mums who went the anonymous donor route, and if they have had similar concerns, and how their children feel about the situation.

Thanks!!


----------



## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Seagirl, and welcome.    I think (not entirely certain) that my son is the oldest donor conceived child of anyone posting on the FF singles board - and he's only 7.  Our sperm donor is anonymous (predated the law change in the UK).  I can tell you that he was sad when I told him that he would never know who his biological father is / was.  However, that was one afternoon.  He really hasn't discussed it much, if at all, since.  This situation might well change as he gets older, but for now he accepts the way things are and doesn't dwell on the subject.  Like you, I wish he (and my daughters) had the option of finding out more information, but the chances of this seem remote.  You might want to dip into the the Donor Conception Network website and take a look at what they have to say.  Be aware that the network heavily promotes the use of ID release donors and of telling children that they are donor conceived - both can be contentious issues, so just keep this in mind as you read their material.  


A-Mx


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

will PM you seagirl


----------



## seagirl (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks for your message Indekiwi and for sharing about your experience. Yes. it's a real challenge weighing up the pro's and cons. I feel like a need lots of time to get my head around it. Am reading as much as I can around the topic- and looked at the Donor Conception Network- may look at it again. I also have concerns about it as I will be a solo mum- at least for the forseable future! But I think even if I weren't it would be a concern.


----------



## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I went backwards and forwards with this one and I initially opted for open id as I couldn't make my mind up - then I discovered I had loads if fertility issues and economics forced my hand - my daughter was eventually conceived via an anonymous donor. I feel guilty about it at times but I keep reminding myself that the dcn point if view is only one point if view and there are plus sides to it - she can never be disappointed by what she finds out - I also take comfort from the fact she is being brought up in touch with several other children in similar situation. I just hope I do a good enough job that she is confident to deal with how she feels about it all.


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

In my opinion you should do your best to give your future child the chance to know (about) their bio dad.
I am pregnant by a co-parent and I am so happy about his support, but even if we weren't friends I'd want my child to know that side of his/her family too.

If you can get hold of a copy of 'Experience of Donor Conception' please do, before you decide which route to take - most donor conceived adults interviewed for this book would have loved to know more about their donor and connected families.
Best of luck! xx


----------



## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

I was considering buying ID release sperm from Cryos in Denmark and using it at my clinic in Cyprus, I am unsure if you can do that in South Africa, maybe not by your post?  At least this way the child can contact the donor when they are 18.  It may be worth you considering travelling to a clinic in another country to allow you to access an ID release donor from a bank such as Cryos?  

Best of luck Passenger x


----------



## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Broody chick, with respect I don't think it's helpful or appropriate to tell someone what they should do in this situation.  There are pros and cons of ID release and anonymous donors. Different things will work for different people. Your way is just one way that works for you. That doesn't make it preferable or the best for someone else. 

Seagirl I have used both ID release and anonymous donors. Goalposts can shift over time along with priorities - mine most certainly did. Good luck with whatever you decide. 

Wizard x


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Wizard - she is asking for opinions and I gave mine.

ALL the research I have come across mention how desperate donor-conceived people are to have more info about their donors, so it's only fair to consider this before going ahead.


----------



## seagirl (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks for all these perspectives and suggestions. I think it is a complex subject, and has been made more complex by the laws and regulations changing, and different laws in different countries. It seems that if all donors had to be non-anonymous, there would be very few available in the world, which could make having a child an impossibility for someone like me. So I see it from many angles. Thanks again for the input everyone... more is welcomed!


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I guess the other thing is that being able to  trace donors in 18 yrs also relies on them keeping their details available and some on ff have said they had no intention of doing this so there could be disappointment ahead too


----------



## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Broodychick, seagirl did not ask for opinions. If you read her original post she specifically asked to hear from mums who had been down the anonymous donor route and associated issues. You made it clear that wasn't your position. 


Wizard


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Broody chick I'm afraid I agree with Wizard. I thought your post was particularly insensitive given the topic of the discussion and also the fact that the vast majority of those in this section of FF use donors rather than co-parents, and a high proportion of them use anonymous donors.

Personally I went down the anon route as a result of going overseas, and needing to start treatment quickly - which would have been delayed if I'd had to wait to ship sperm to the clinic. Sometimes I wonder if my son will be disappointed he can't find out more about his donor and yes, I think he probably will be. But then that is normal - the urge for knowledge/information. So I'm not surprised to hear that the majority of donor conceived children feel this way. However, I think that as Inde has pointed out, once the child realises that it's not an option, I'm sure it's accepted pretty quickly and no further thought is given. Personally I think that it could be worse for those who are supposedly able to find out info about their donor when they're older and perhaps they are no longer traceable or they aren't the amazing person they are expecting them to be?

I have my own opinions about the co-parent route vs the solo mum route. I think that it says more about not wanting to parent alone rather than giving the child info on their other parent. Personally I would not want to share parental responsibility with a person who I didn't think was good enough to share a relationship with!


----------



## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I think as long as you do the best you can that is all a child can ask for - sometimes open id donors are just not practical for an individual - I resent the suggestion that I have some how not done my best for my child by using an anonymous donor - in an ideal world I may of chosen differentally but then again in an ideal world i would of been married with 2.4 children long ago would never of had fertility tx and won the lottery.

Ibthink its very difficult to predict how a child may feel about it - it's likely to be different at different ages - we are bringing our children up in a very different world and who knows what it will be like in 10 years. in some country's it's illegal to use id release donors so its very clear to me the jury's out on this one so i think which ever route you choose the fact you've given it so much thought is a fantastic gift for any child - personally I suspect the donor sibling side of things will me more of an issue and may be worth considering.

Good luck with your deliberating


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Seagirl says herself in her initial post that she would be MUCH HAPPIER if her child had the OPTION to learn more about their donor.
Every person is conceived of two parents, yes, in some circumstances one might leave or die and the child is brought up by a single parent or in a step parent family, but when you are still at the point of being able to make a DECISION about something like this, where it's a choice option, it is good to consider all implications.

Nobody knows how we or our children will feel in 18 years' time, I saw a posting on here by a single mum who didn't have the option to chose an ID-disclosed donor (pre-2005) and she and her child were desperate for more answers and facing closed doors all around.

Also I recommended a book (in the absence of mums answering the initial question in this post with children old enough to ask questions) where she might find some of the answers she is looking for.

P.S. It's should HAVE, no 'should of'.

Have a lovely evening.


----------



## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

And so you see Seagirl that there are many shades of grey with respect to the way you go about choosing your donor - or co-parent....!   


Normally when I have a conversation around donor conception with my son, I post on the singles toddlers and beyond thread, on the bumps and babies side of the singles board.  It might help to go back and have a look at some of those posts if you have time as it gives a real time summary of our discussions and I always try to represent where the emphasis of his questions and feelings are.  



Also, when you go on the DCN website, take a look at their library of resources - I think it gives a number of titles with a summary of what the book is about, and you should be able to order some of these locally.


A-Mx


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Out of interest Broody Chickhave you read any research or talked to any children of or parents of children conceived via the co-parent route to see how they feel about their situation? Because it would be useful to those considering all options to understand the potential downsides to this option (as well as the positive of having an easily identifiable second parent). Off the top of my head (and without any research myself) I can think of potential issues arising in differing parenting styles, what happens if one or both parents start a relationship with a new partner, or want to move away from the area, or the co-parent turns out not to be the sort of person you want around your child.

Surely it's just as important to seek out this sort of information too rather than implying that the best choice for a child is two parents (irrespective of who that second parent is).


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Caramac
I did all the reserch I could in the 18 months since I first started looking into co-parenting, and I believe the major advantage to be that there's not a 'relationship gone bitter' between the two parents, which my co-parent agrees about. It's about building a strong friendship connection based on common interest and support rather than getting your hopes dashed after another failed romantic relationship.
Amazingly enough, the person who'd been my lifelong friend ended up letting me down, while someone I met via a co-parenting forum right at the start of my journey turned out to be the more reliable, consistent option for me to conceive my child with.
Like everyone, I believe we make the best choices in our individual circumstances.
Just because I happen not to be in a romantic relationship right now didn't mean I wanted to deprive my child of a father, but everyone's reasons are different.

My co-parent and I talked right at the start about other relationships, and as long as our friendship is based on honesty and tolerance I don't see an issue with that. Hard to jump from 'theory' to realiy though, so this remains to be seen, but I'd say that is exactly the same as any relationship and families created in the 'traditional' way. You could be getting married and left for another woman the next day, pregnany and penniless, or you could get pregnant by an anonymous donor and meet Mr. Right a week later. Nobody has a crystal ball.

I met quite a few people (and gay couples) before deciding on my co-parent. It certainly seemed a more fruitful quest than dead-end dating.

Best of luck on your own journey!


----------



## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Seagirl - my daughter was conceived after treatment in South Africa (I live in the UK). I'll PM you once I've finished work.

Rose xx


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Thanks Broody Chick and congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

To be honest though I was more interested to see if you'd found any research of how co-parenting in this manner is actually working in practice rather than in theory IYSWIM. How does it affect the children having two separate homes/families, how do they feel about it all, and how successful are the co-parenting relationships on a day to day basis and ongoing over the years as the child grows up?

For me, whilst choosing anon donor insemination might have deprived my son of a "father" I did give a very brief thought to co-parenting before choosing this option, but personally felt it would always be a bit "messy" unless it could be some ideal sort of situation like JJ has with her known donor where he, his partner and her have been friends for a long time and socialise together already - sort of like a ready made family just waiting for their child. If I knew someone like this and they were willing co-parenting would have been a no brainer for me. I just can't understand choosing to bring up a child and share that child with someone who isn't good enough to have a relationship with (if they're straight) or that you've only known for a few months before setting out to make a commitment to be in each others lives for the next two decades! In that situation, for me it was preferable to go into parenthood as a commited single parent knowing and willing to provide all the love and support my child would need, whilst recognising that this would also include the responsibility to ensure he also gets contact with good male role models throughout his life (even if these aren't of the bio father type). And of course I am not saying I am commiting to being single for life as there is always the possibility of my Mr Right turning up late and being a wonderful adopted father to my child! In this scenario I also feel donor conception rather than co-parent will be simpler.


----------



## bagpuss1 (Feb 26, 2005)

Broody chick,

My daughter is now 7 and was conceived from an anonymous donor before the law changed. She is very much aware of where she comes from and I resent the implication that I haven't done the best for my child.


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I am sure you're doing the best for your child every day.

What is it with the ladies on this thread feeling personally attacked because I chose a different route to conception to you?

Being further down the route than the original poster, I am simply telling her what worked for me when I had similar doubts to the ones she's expressing about using an anonymous donor (trust me, I already had my favourite picked out from a Danish sperm bank!), so it's only fair she gets views from all sides before making a life-changing decision.


----------



## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

BroodyChick I don't believe that the ladies on this thread feel attacked because you chose a different route to conception, I'd say that they feel attacked because of the way that you word your posts and the terms that you use ('deprive my child of a father' being one of them). Perhaps in future if you wish to support and discuss your views on here you might try to be a little more sensitive and open to other's thoughts and feelings, your thinking appears very black and white to me. I am also not sure that it is appropriate for you to be giving grammar lessons to others on this site, unless of course they ask for it.


bingbong x


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

BroodyChick said:


> What is it with the ladies on this thread feeling personally attacked because I chose a different route to conception to you?


Broody Chick it's not that you chose a different route to conception that is getting people's backs up it's more likely the fact that the seagirl specifically asked "I would be interested to hear from those mums who went the anonymous donor route, and if they have had similar concerns, and how their children feel about the situation." and you went on to imply that those who use anon donors are not doing the best for their children with the comment "you should do your best to give your future child the chance to know (about) their bio dad." As I pointed out previously it's an insensitive comment (and pretty inflammatory) on a forum which is used by a large number of women who have used anon donors. Since you chose NOT to go the anonymous donor route you should have perhaps just limited your response to suggesting the book you mentioned - and then let seagirl draw her own conclusions from rather than compounding the issue by stating "most donor conceived adults interviewed for this book would have loved to know more about their donor and connected families".

Sorry seagirl I appear to have hijacked your thread rather!


----------



## bagpuss1 (Feb 26, 2005)

Actually Broody chick,

I am a lot further down this road than you.  I am sadly unable to have another child and if I hadn't taken the opportunity when I did, I would be completely childless and without my gorgeous WELL ADJUSTED girl! My daughter is a real child and when you have yours, hopefully you will realise just how sensitive parents can be about their children. I am sure that you would take umbridge if someone told you that you were depriving your much loved and cherished child of something.


----------



## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi ya,

I chose open ID after much research into some of the opinions of donor conceived children.  I respect those who chose anonymous donors but the finality of it didn't work for me as I wanted Z to have a choice to contact the donor(father) one day. 
As she is 15 months now we haven't had to deal with it and have a good few years before we do.  I am grateful there are other donor conceived kids (open Id or not) that Z can chat and relate to.  That is the greatest gift.
Good luck no matter what you decide!

Dawn


----------



## Sharry (May 13, 2007)

Ladies 

I am sure everybody is doing/has done what is in their own best interests, so can we please stop having a go at each other, and offer advice not criticism. 

Sharry xx


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you Sharry!

I don't think I was being insensitive, nor did I attack anyone directly about their choices, but I simply offered another perspective to the initial poster who is clearly uncomfortable at the prospect of an untraceable donor.

Similar to someone expressing their PERSONAL opinion that they don't want 'to share parental responsibility with a person who I didn't think was good enough to share a relationship with', I said I personally felt it wasn't right 'to deprive MY child of a father'.

I am not implying this is what everyone else is doing, especially if you had no choice in the matter, so I don't feel personally criticised for choosing to start a family with someone 'not good enough to share a relationship with'. You don't know me, or him, or our relationship, or what a baby does to an existing romantic relationship, so I just let that opinion be that opinion without getting my back up and thinking it's all about me.

Incidentally I went to a very interesting debate yesterday at UCL, called 'Being - the Donor Conceived Perspective' where two adult donor conceived people shared their stories and input on the background of their conception. Jess found out at the age of 28 that her bio dad was a sperm donor, and hasn't been able to find any more information out since (she was conceived in the UK), and Kevin was conceived in the US, told at the age of 7 and it's never been a big deal for him. He did find out about and contact his donor, and is also in touch with a half sister.

Perhaps I have a slightly different perspective on all of this as I am a donor myself. Like Kevin, who is now a sperm donor himself (and has 6 offspring), I wouldn't have chosen to egg share if there was no chance of my bio child/ren making contact in future.


----------



## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Seagirl, it's an interesting question.  I think with everything that you have to look at the options you have in front of you and make a choice you are most comfortable with.  Interestingly I've noticed a move in foreign countries towards anonymous donors, direct opposite to the UK and not knowing much about it I considered it was maybe something related to religion - they have decided that a donor cannot be a father.  Just what I thought.

I'm in a funny situation myself, I have a very close friend who is male and we both vetoed him as a potential donor without really discussing it.  It would solve a lot of problems for me as I can't afford tx.  However we know he couldn't just be a donor, that he's need to be a father.  I also know that he will be as much of a father to a child (if I ever manage it) as he would if he was the donor.  I think by not having him as a donor I'm giving him a chance to be separate even though we both know deep down that he would love any child of mine as his own...he certainly feels that way about the dog!  

I just wanted to add that to the mix, essentially I think I'm saying a child can have a father without the bio link and we accomplished single girls have solid and good role models around that would be better than a lot of fathers out there.  I have an open donor, however I feel conflicted about that even.  It's all in the handling of the situation as the child grows up - read your post Indie and smiled.

Diesy


----------



## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi Seagirl

I haven't gone down the anonymous donor route yet, but I would seriously consider it. There are pros and cons to every situation I think. Perhaps the only thing we can say from any evidence out there is that there is no single right way to bring a child into the world. Every way can work and every way can have its pitfalls (and many, many children have highly negative experiences of being parented in the "traditional" way and highly positive experiences of being donor conceived whether through open or anonymous donors). My donor has written a lovely letter for any children born as a result of his donation (and I gather there have been quite a few so far!) and in it he says that he would very much like to meet them when they are old enough but he also explains that he has a very high risk job and may not be alive. Anything can happen in those 18 years. And intentions can change too. Donors may be in different relationships with women who can't cope with the idea of donor conceived children knocking on the door. Or they may have changed their mind due to philosophical/religious changes etc etc. I think what I'm trying to say in a not very elegant way is that even with open donors there are no guarantees.  

The more I think about it, the more I think I would be happy to conceive with an open donor or anonymous donor. The only thing I have drawn a line at is co-parenting for the same reasons that have been mentioned. I'm in a similar situation as Diesy in that I have a very close male friend and there is no way on earth we would co-parent! But he can't wait for my treatment to work!

I wish you lots of luck on your journey and I hope that the right decision for you will rise to the surface very soon. 

Txx


----------



## seagirl (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks Tommi and all the others who have posted responses here. It's all very helpful. Would love to hear more...


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

hi Seagirl,

i considered quite a few options when i started out on this journey. initially i did consider the co parent route, either with someone i might find on a  co-parent site, or asking a gay male couple that i know. i would have welcomed the support on many levels, practical, financial, emotional but in the end i decided that the fall out from either of those relationships breaking down would be worse than doing it totally on my own and having total control over all decisions.  then i went the anonymous donor route (DE, so egg and sperm), for a number of reasons. tx abroad was obviously much cheaper and not knowing how many goes i would need along with the cost of the immune tx it turned out i needed made it a much more viable option. due to my age i also didn't have the luxury of time on my side and waiting lists were very short abroad. 

i do wonder now whether i made the right decision but i made the right decision at the time and that's all that we can do. i worry whether bozo will be angry with me but i also didn't want him to have a fruitless search for a donor that either couldn't be traced, or perhaps by then, didn't want to be traced. it's not the same as adoption, it is a bunch of cells, it isn't a baby that *had* parents that was then given up by them.  he may be cross that i have denied him access to any information about his heritage but i hope that he will understand why i did what i did and be comfortable with the choices i made. whatever his feelings i will have to deal with it the best way i can but i'm hoping that by being honest and open from as soon as he can remember it will make it his 'normal' and he won't have a yearning to find someone who donated some cells. if i hadn't gone abroad and done what i've done he wouldn't be here now and i may not be a mum. 

not sure if any of that helps, ended up being a bit of a ramble.

GGx


----------



## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

So true GG, if you hadn't made those choices those cells would have had a completely different outcome.  I'm think he's come out on top so far  

Tommi I hope your friend doesn't have long to wait!  Getting a bit impatient myself


----------



## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm going as fast as I can Diesy!  

GG - I think it's so true that the donation is of cells... nothing more. I watched that documentary about the guy who had a hand transplant and he isn't able to find out anything about the donor. He just accepted it as a matter of fact. So much is donated that enables life - blood, bone marrow, organs etc - I guess sperm is no different.

Txx


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

thanks Diesy    

yes, Tommi, i hadn't actually thought of that perspective... if we have a blood transfusion we don't want to meet the blood donor! but it may be that very 'donation' that enables our life to continue.

GGx


----------



## askingquestions (Feb 16, 2013)

Not everyone feels they have a choice between anonymous or ID donor.  For example, most people I know who have gone overseas for gamete donation, did so because they felt it would be quicker or cheaper.  The anonymity issue was not the deciding factor.  

However, if you do have a choice - e.g. of importing ID release sperm donor to SA from the US rather than using anonymous SA sperm - that might be an option worth taking. 

If you use an ID release donor you are giving the child the option to find out more if she or he turns out to be interested in his or her donor origins.  If s/he's not interested, fine, it need go no further.  But if you have one of those children for whom it really matters then you know that they can seek out more information.  It's also not just about finding a donor, it's also about locating half-siblings (which is becoming more and more common - both in the US and, soon, in the UK with the new HFEA sibling registry). 

If you choose an anonymous donor then you are closing off this option from birth.

Our children are growing into a world where many of their dc friends, particularly those conceived in the UK post 2005 - will have been conceived with ID release donors.  So I think at the very least we need to be able to explain to our children why we made the choices that we did... why we chose an anonymous donor, say, rather than ID release donor when both were available.  

Re the blood/plasma analogy: I think there is a difference between donating a replacement body part, and donating life... the blueprint of a person, which is what sex cells are... they hold code to building a new human being.


----------



## askingquestions (Feb 16, 2013)

Just to add - I understand why some people choose to use an anonymous donor. I understand that some people are conceived in countries where ID release donors are not an option.  Or that an ID release donor may not feel like a cost-effective or realistic option.  This is particularly so for egg donation, which is more expensive in the UK and where waiting lists have traditionally been quite long (and where the donors tend to be older, or to perhaps have fertility problems themselves if they donated on egg sharing programmes, and may not seem like the best chance for a woman in her forties trying to conceive as fast as possible).    
I do not think that using an anonymous donor is necessarily problematic for offspring.  However, there is a lot of anecdotal reports and research and literature that shows anonymity can be extremely problematic for some offspring (and no corresponding findings for open ID donors - and the first open ID programme was launched over 18 years ago in the US).  OP: I could refer you to this literature if you are interested.  The point is, as stated above, that if you have the option of an open-ID donor you are providing a back up in case your child is the curious kind (or indeed, your children's children as interest in ancestry can pass down the generations....).  
I don't know what kind of gamete donation you are looking at - but I know that some SA clinics do provide a lot of information about the donors, even photographs, and will even ask the donors if in principle they would be willing to meet the children when it came of age, if the anonymity law were to change.  I have a friend who received a great deal of information about an otherwise anonymous egg donor in this way.  This is not the same as open ID but it is a long way from total anonymity.


----------



## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Seagirl - Really interesting discussion you've started, I hope it's been helpful 

I totally agree with GG that it's nothing at all like adoption, but at the same time I found my self totally disagreeing with Tommi that it's the same as the cells in a donated organ  . Yes it is just a 'bunch of cells' but they are genetically responsible for 50% of my daughter and that's a lot more than an arm or kidney. I think it's primarily an adult issue. Genetics mean very little to children, even older children/teenagers don't fully understand or have an emotional response to the concept. It's as adults and particularly as parents that we begin to think more deeply about where/who we came from. 
In a way I was lucky in that I had no choice of donor. I waited a year for the clinic to have a donor available and then went with that donor! I only gained access to the full information about the donor when my daughter was 2! He is ID release, but as others have pointed out that is no guarantee and I feel the donors (quite emotional) letter will put my daughter under pressure to make contact when she may not be ready  
As the parent of a 5 year old I can tell you that she does ask questions about her donor, she would love to have a picture of him, she knows what physical traits she has inherited from him, she is very very interested in any information I do give her about him. I mentioned something in passing a year ago and she stunned me recently by recalling it. It's important to her and will probably become more so in the future. At the moment she is completely chilled and matter of fact about the whole 'no daddy' business. I wish I could say the same about the 'no sibling' business   

Upsyxxx


----------



## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

That's really interesting Upsy. I really believe that there is no right way re siblings. I know too many people who have no relationship or a poor relationship with their siblings. Having them doesn't mean relating positively with them! I get quite cross about the "must have siblings" brigade! Nothing in life is ever that clear cut.  

I think that those who have received life saving donations - who are alive only because of the donations - can be curious about their donors, just as some (most?) donor conceived children are. Yes, there is a difference between gamete donation and, say, blood donation, but the undeniable similarity is in the facilitation of life. All the women on this thread who have used anonymous donors have clearly thought about how they will approach the issue with their children and I think that is everything. I really resist the hierarchical idea that "natural" (a mum and a dad) is best, then open donor, then anonymous. There will be very positive and very negative outcomes in all of those categories for a wide variety of reasons. 

I think my main point is that having an open donor is no guarantee the child won't encounter troubles in that respect and having an anonymous donor is no guarantee they will. I don't know what decisions I will have to make in the future but I am trying to stay as open to the possibilities as I can (not always easy). Agate has helped me a lot with that (as have many on here!).

Txx


----------



## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Tommi - don't get me started on the 'must have siblings' brigade      .  Or the 'have Phil, must quickly have Ted to fill up designer buggy' brigade   
I completely agree re the hierarchy idea.  As a teacher I have witnessed horrifically damaged children with married parents and 1.4 siblings.  Quality of parenting counts for more than quantity, genetic relationships... absolutely anything!  I have known many happy, confident high achieving and truly wonderful children raised by solo granddads,  great Aunties, adoptive parents and older siblings.  As E grows up I become more aware every day that I had a person not a baby.  Watching the updates to 'Child of Our Time' scares the **** out of me     .  Children don't like to be different/special they want to be like everyone else and at E's age that means having a daddy and a sibling  .  If I was donor conceived I would want as much information as I could have about the donor, I don't think I'd want to meet up for coffee but I'd definitely be very curious.  I think that's only natural.  I agree with E when she says she'd like a photo. I would have used an anonymous donor if that was the most feasible option at the time, I would also have considered double donation.  All we can do is be open and positive about our choices and hope that, apart from flinging it all in our faces when they are teenagers  , our children will come to respect and understand the choices we made.

Upsyxxx


----------



## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I think this is a very similar issue to religion - it can divide opinion like no other - I'm don't follow a particular religion mainly because I just can't believe that one group of people are wrong and others are right. I think the fact some country's have polar opposite views to the open is best view speaks volumes - there is just no way you can predict how a child you've not even met yet will feel at 18 so hard to conceptualise - I've made several attempts to bond j with fluffy toys of various kinds with the view that all children are supposed to be inseparable from there special toy - my daughter has other ideas - she looks at me like a nutter and either ignores it or chucks it - I have a little giggle everytime - it's already clear to me she is her own person she and she alone will decide if the use of anonymous donor was ok with her - I personally would prefer not to have my fathers genetics and would of liked the idea of an anonymous donor as my father - my daughter may hate my descion or be fine - I just hope it's not that fact that defines her and I'd really like her to meet mr right and not have to make these descions for her children


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

good point morrigan. genetic parents who give birth (and therefore know the children i.e not anonymous like a donor or even ID release) can reject them and have them adopted, adopted children who have every chance to meet their birth parents and have birth parents who would love to meet them can reject them, there are so many possibilities but the only thing we can be certain of is that there are no guarantees. i'm sure our children will love us and hate us, in equal measure, over the years for various things, and one of those things will be that we ruined their lives (!) however they came about. but hopefully, due to all the thought all of us have put into even embarking on this journey they'll sure as hell know that we love them and wanted them more than anything.

GGx


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Yeah I hope they at least won't be able to scream "You didn't want me!" in our faces as teenagers like I did to my mum (even though she clearly did want me as she'd been trying to conceive for a decade before I came along).


----------



## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

I used a open ID donor and although I am very glad about my decision, it does throw up other issues! I have a lot of info on the donor and his family history as well as a child and adult photo, so I hvave the dilemma of when the right time is to introduce this info, to try and ensure my daughter doesn't get 'obsessed' by it and so on. Also from the sibling registry point of view she may well be able to find siblings - not sure how I feel about that. Also since mine was a US donor she could potentially end up with 50 + siblings...! I try not to think about it and to be honest, I don't much - it's just me and her and the donor is blissfully at the back of my mind - for now. I really hope it isn't a big deal as she gets older but who knows. So there are pros and cons to everything - and in all honesty I was so desperate to have a child I would have gone the anonymous route if I'd run out of money. I would have then gone to egg donor. I wouldn't have given up till I'd tried everything I could.  As Elvis said
'Before you abuse criticise and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes'


----------



## askingquestions (Feb 16, 2013)

Sweet: I do agree.  I used a US ID-release donor and I'm well aware that there could be many, many offspring out there (I calculated it once, based on the period of time I know he donated, and I suspect it is about 80 children in between 40-60 families...).  This is modest: many donors donate for far longer periods than two years.  And it's not just US donors (even those imported to the UK) that have these high offspring numbers.  The same goes for the European sperm bank and presumably Cryos, basically anywhere that exports: clinics are restricted by the donor family limit, per country, but can reach this limit in multiple countries.
We have met some offspring, and my children are aware that there are quite a few of them, but I've rather fudged how many there could be - it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't want to convey it in such a way to make my own children uncomfortable.
But then this is an issue for any of us who use donor sperm, anonymous or not (though I have no idea about pick-up and family limits in South Africa: possibly higher than one might think given that there is a big trade in fertility tourism).
I agree with you re how to release the information that you have about the donor.  This is particularly worrying given that sperm banks are notoriously poor on checking up on the donor's claims and so they could be liars.  And they could be lying about open ID just to get more money (I believe you get paid more to be in the ID release programme).  They could even have died by the time the information is released: I know that in the UK the HFEA does not track donors so it's quite possible that a name is released, a person is traced (and that's not a given... particularly if they live overseas) only for the offspring to find they are dead.  So you are right: it's a dance to manage expectations.
I also agree that were no other avenue available to me I too would have used anonymous gametes.

That said, if someone had the choice, if they were starting out, if they had not made the decision yet, and if money was a factor, but not a massive factor (either do it or not at all) then I would always recommend going for ID release on the grounds that you might very well have a child for whom this might really, really matter.


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

askingquestions said:


> That said, if someone had the choice, if they were starting out, if they had not made the decision yet, and if money was a factor, but not a massive factor (either do it or not at all) then I would always recommend going for ID release on the grounds that you might very well have a child for whom this might really, really matter.


Very eloquently put askingquestions


----------



## seagirl (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted replies here. It has been so hugely helpful to hear your insights and various views and experiences. It's wonderful to be part of such a forum where we can share our experiences so openly and support each other. Invaluable. Look forward to hearing more...


----------



## squiggleyhead (Apr 9, 2012)

I would like to ask a slightly different question, 

i have PCOS (not that that is really relevant) and have just had treatment, I have 36 follies, 31 eggs and 23 embies but as I had OHSS I had to have a freeze all, I used a donor from the clinic so not a closed donor but I would really like to ask a few simple questions about how you guys have dealt with:

1) telling your friends, family and even work colleagues, strangers about the "father"

2) how you guys have dealt with the fact that the child may not have your genetic traits? not just hair colour but may not resemble you at all, I've become a bit of a nutter just looking at kids and fathers in the street etc .

I cant get the embies implanted for a month but I really need to get my head together on this one or I will never do it.

Ive been trying to get to a FF meet but it seems like i just cant find one...am I going mental?


----------



## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

squiggleyhead I'll answer! 1) I told all my friends and family before I started treatment and told them I'd be using a donor. As simple as that really. I'm self employed and work from home so didn't have any colleagues to tell. As for strangers, it doesn't really come up in conversation that much to be honest! I tell those who need to know (i.e. my son's nursery staff) but not random people who we deal with (i.e. people at a toddler group for example) and might never see again. If anyone (a stranger) was to ask me about my son's father, I'd probably answer that he doesn't have one, but as I said it really has never come up in conversation.

2) if you're using your own eggs your LO is bound to end up with some genetic traits from you - just by the fact that genetics are 50:50 from the parents. But to be honest it never really crossed my mind as something to worry about! My son looked a lot like my brother when he was born and sometimes when I look at him I get a weird deja vu feeling of looking in a mirror. But I don't think he looks particularly like me really! But I also couldn't tell you what is is about him that doesn't look like me either! And really it doesn't matter because I gave birth to him and know he's my son! I think this issue probably has more bearing if you used double donors but even then I"m sure the women on here who have will say that once their LO arrives it's never been an issue.

Good luck with your treatment.


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

squiggleyhead, my thoughts on your questions:
1) close friends & most family all know I used both egg and sperm donors and that I requested physical traits similar to mine/our families. Colleagues/aquaintances and others - if they ask outright where the boys' dad is, I tell them I used a (sperm) donor. I don't tell them about egg donor as I see no need - that will be the boys' info to share then they are older if they choose to. Most don't ask for more info but if they do, I tell them the truth - that I don't know much about the donor apart from basic physical characteristics. I have had nothing but positive response to my decision to use a sperm donor. And I have no problem talking about it if people ask. I'd rather they knew it was a considered decision than an 'accident' That said, like caramac, it's not something I find comes up much really...mostly when you have kids you meet other mums and you talk about kids and stuff, people don't tend to ask specific questions about the dad...

2) This is something I worried about a lot before I got pregnant, and through pregnancy. Particularly since I used double donor so no genetic link at all to me. It is however (as Caramac rightly says!) something I can 100% say now that I have my boys, doesn't matter a bit. I don't think they look particularly like me, not least because they have brown eyes and mine are blue. But many people comment on how like me they are. People see what they want/expect to see    And even if they may not have my physical traits, they will inevitably resemble me in some ways - kids pick up mannerisms, ways of speech, gestures etc from their parents and these are not genetic. 
Finally re meets, I believe a few mums/little ones are meeting up tomorrow in London. I have the picnic coming up in July. Don't think anything else is booked in yet but perhaps if you post a new thread suggesting a date and venue, you could organise a get together yourself between now and July
Suitcase
x


----------



## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Hiya Squiggley head  


1) I only told my mother and one close friend about my plans.  I was given very bad odds of it working so there didn't seem any point telling anyone else.  Once I was pregnant and there began to be some hope that I might actually stay pregnant I told everyone friends/colleagues etc that 'I used a donor through a clinic', I always added the clinic bit to dispel any turkey baster images   .  I'm lucky in that I live in quite a liberal minded city and work with quite liberal minded people.  Nobody batted an eyelid (in my presence   ) and they all seemed genuinely overjoyed that I was going to be a mother (with the exception of my own mother - but that's another story!  ).  Once my daughter was here people just assumed I was a single parent through traditional means.  Sometimes people will ask if E sees her father, at which point I explain that I used a donor.  I don't want E to think it's some kind of shifty secret.  If I can say it in a matter of fact way then hopefully so will she.
2) I'm fascinated by the whole issue of genetics.  In my opinion my daughter doesn't look in the slightest bit like me (thank the lord!) She looks like a hybrid of my mother and father!  Sometimes, especially in photos, I think I can see another face.  I like to think that given a line up I'd be able to spot her donor!  She has inherited one obvious characteristic from him.  She has my eye colour (and not his) which I was secretly rather chuffed about, having had no choice of donor that was pure fluke.  But to be honest none of that matters a bit once your child is here, you just love every single inch of them to the moon and back where ever it has been inherited from  
Upsyxxx


----------



## squiggleyhead (Apr 9, 2012)

Guys, you have been amazing! thank you!

I have been stressing over this for quite some time now and its just taken over from doing what I ultimately want.  I've studied the genetics to death and looked at donors in Denmark that are open so you can see the family tree but there is just no guarantee!  I've sent myself in a bit of a spin over it...Suitcase your comment was brilliant, "people see what they want to see ..." when talking about how people say your LO looks like you when they are DE and DS.  Lovely you've only had positive responses about using a donor too...

As I had a 'freeze all' I'm now on AF it's really not good! ouch! 

So guys, thank you, you've helped loads xxx


----------



## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Squiggley
any bio child you have will only ever be 50% 'you' - so what does it matter if dad was a donor or not, you cannot procreate on your own...
You will have the baby that Karma is sending to you, for whatever reason. I am sure it will make much more sense once you actually conceive them, give birth to them, and grow to know them. CHILL! x


----------



## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I worried about those questions but I told close friends I was having treatment and told my parents which worked out well as they where shocked but by the time I actually got pregnant they where just chuffed like any other grandparent - I announced the bump on ******** at 16 weeks with no mention - never really got asked - now if I'm asked and I'm with jasmine I say we don't have a daddy in our family do we almost to her and if asked by adult if dads around I say simply no - if pressed I say she's donor concieved l. I can honestly say other than at booking midwife appointment when I explained it wasn't mentioned once by dr or midwifes - what I would say is if you tell friends tell them who else you've told and what they should say if asked - had few friends in arkward situations as they didn't how I wanted them to handle it - funniest response I ever got was financial adviser who said do you now have a partner- I said no she said oh do you know how it happened ? I still laugh now as I bet she was kicking herself as soon as that phrase came out if her mouth lol !

My daughter looks like me but I know several ladies in here that ysed double donors who I'd swear there children look like them - its hard to conceptualise before babies but it won't matter what your baby looks like it will be yours 

Good luck x


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

squiggly i also had double donor and many, many people keep saying how much bozo looks like me. on the flip side you often get fully genetic children who look nothing like either parent. i am one of 8 and we all look totally different ranging from black, brown, ginger and blonde hair and all different eye colours and i'm assured the milkman was never involved.

GGx


----------



## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I saw that program about tracing DNA history the other day - kind of made me smile that our kids will be able to trace there family origins on that way the same as anyone else - made me realise that recent close genetics are only part of the picture !


----------



## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Squiggly,
I know it's been a while since the last post, but I just now read this interesting thread. I have a DD through anon donor and I felt very relieved to see a youtube video of a teenager who was an egg donor this evening. If you go to Youtube and google egg donor you should pull it up. It was lovely.


----------

