# Stress...please help!!



## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi lovely ladies  

I really need your advice about something. As you can see we had 2nd unsuccessful tx in June. Anyway, I told my bf (not sure if she still is?) about 1st tx. Received v little support and she never popped round to see how I was doing. She has 2 kids and conceived v quickly with both..So I made the decision that I wasn't going to tell her about 2tx. Have only seen her about 4times this year and never by herself, she has asked me a couple of times on the phone how we are doing and I have been quite short and said we were fine, or something to that effect.

Onto the bit I need your advice about.....a mutual friend (mf) met my bf last week, this mf knows about our 2tx, and my bf said to mf that she was really upset I hadn't spoken to her and I was dismissive whenever she asks. This has made me really angry and I also can't stop thinking about it. Surely it is my decision to tell her and if I don't bring it up with her, it is because I don't want to talk about it. The reason I make the decision about telling people, primarily, is for support. I didn't get this and don't want to go through telling her. We lead such completely different lives at present. 

Am I being completely irrational? Should I tell her how I feel but I don't want to feel like I am being forced into telling her about it, when I feel it is none of her business.   

thank you xx


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## purplejr (May 20, 2009)

Hi,

You should be able to tell who you want to and not worry about the people you don't. Like you say you tell people for the support and if you don't get it you don't really want negative people around at a very difficult time.

Sounds like she's not being a very good friend to you at the moment anyway.

Sending lots of     

xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi, difficult one as she is obviously just really down as you told mf but not her... She probably is worried that you're not as close as she would like, and she's probably also reflecting on how she behaved last time & is feeling a bit guilty. 
I think you should have a chat with her about it... you don't need to go into loads of details, just say that after last time and the negative outcome you decided to keep your treatment quiet this time as you couldn't face everyone asking about it throughout the treatment and especially afterwards. I'm sure she'll understand.... However, I wouldn't mention that I was unhappy with how she was first time around. People react to what we're going through in different ways and most people have no idea what to say or even how to give support. 

I hope this helps... I'm also having a difficult time with friends .. they seem to have deserted me and only one is calling & texting... The others are just avoiding me   Luckily we have FF

Nic x


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thank you, I knew I could rely on FF

What I didn't say is that mf is starting her first tx this week which is why we have become closer. been great to have someone also going through it.

Also bf doesn't know that mf knows but probably guesses that she knows. Becoming v confusing with these abbreviations!!

xx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Well I went ahead and sent her a wee email explaining that we had a 2nd tx, told less people etc but wanted her to know. Anyway, got a lovely email back from her, saying she had wanted to ask but found it difficult to bring up etc. So was feeling ok about seeing her yesterday..was meeting her, her dh and 2 wee ones and me and dh.

She didn't mention it once...not how sorry she was to get the email, how was I feeling...nothing, nada, even to say something when she hugged me when we met, or to even get a bigger, more heartfelt hug - you know the ones  

I have playing it over in my head, thinking should I have mentioned and thought no. If someone had emailed me 'from the heart' and had been going through a tough time I would have said something. I really wish I hadn't bothered now. I am really trying to stop thinking about it and dh is cooking me a gorg dinner to cheer me up as I type. I haven't put this across v well but I am sure you get the gist of it!!

Thank you ff's as ever!!
xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi - me again. I would focus on the email she sent you rather than how she acted when she saw you. She obviously is just really worried about saying the wrong thing, or mentioning it when other people are around. One of my friends went through TX 2 months ago... I saw her all the time through the TX but only once since she got her result. I still have no clue if it's a +ve or -ve and can't bring myself to ask!! She knows that I'm half way through the same TX.... I wonder if she things I'm being really rubbish not asking... Whereas I'm sat here thinking 'if she wants to talk about it she'll bring it up, I need to give her space'. Also thinking - if it's -ve perhaps she doesn't want to worry me for my own cycle, or if it's +ve she's still really worried and doesn't want to announce until she gets to a certain point?! This whole TX stuff makes people have no clue how to react, what to say, what not to say, when to say it.... Whereas on email it's all different....

I hope that you manage to talk properly to her...  Surprised you didn't at least get the proper hug though ..  
Nic x


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thanks for replying again  

Hope your ec is going well today and you enjoy the sedation - I did  

You are right about people not knowing how to react..I still can't get my head round that she didn't bring it up, we have been friends for 20years and have been through so much together. Thought she might have sent me a text or email this week but nothing. Need to be surrounded by positive thoughts at the mo, so will just leave it for now!
xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi - thanks for remembering   I'm really touched... EC was ok - got 7 eggs. Would've loved more but guess I need to be thankful for what I have. Now just the dreaded wait to see if any fertilise...... Has my BF text/called/sent carrier pigeon - nothing, nadda....  
People eh!!!! 

Have a great weekend... and thanks again for the message


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Nic, thanks for posting again. 7 was a good number, in fact it is my lucky number so hope it brought you good luck too. 

Have you had et yet? I hope your bf has been in touch. What would we do without FF!!!

xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Hello - thanks for the message - I am now the proud owner of 2 embies and even have two in the freezer!! The friends I told have been in touch which has been really nice. 

A bit of advice if possible... one of my really close friends has been going through infertility with me and we used to talk all the time... especially when AF arrived and we'd get upset. We'd call each other from meeting rooms (her once even from a cupboard) when AF came and we didn't know how we'd handle the afternoon at work and meetings etc., and somehow just talking to each other really helped us laugh through it. Well , she started IVF a few months ago and had to stop mid cycle due to poor stimulation... Just when she was getting over it I said the wrong thing about something which had nothing to do with TX and we ended up losing touch a bit. I sent a letter and some flowers to apologise and we kind of made up, but, I guess because of what she went through we haven't talked about treatment since and our relationship has changed- she said that it had all become a bit too intense and we'd stopped talking about anything but TTC. 

Out of the blue she sent me a text last night saying she was thinking of me. Can't believe the coincidence of my ET day but can only take it as a sign.... She knew that TX was around this time but I'm not sure how much I should open up to her..... Should I call & tell her I have 2 embies on board or should I be more vague?? I don't want to upset her or say the wrong thing.... It's all so confusing...

How are you getting on?
Nic xx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

That is a tricky one..but first of all huge   for having 2 embies on board and having 2 in the freezer as well. Congratulations!! Sending you lots of positive mental attitude...!!

From the other side I went through tx in June as you can see and it was negative, I have a friend who is going through her first one and I have been really involved. I have felt it quite good to pass on advice if I can and will be there for her during the dreaded 2ww. I think you should say to your friend you are in the middle of tx and see what she says. If she asks you more about it then you can take it that she wants to know more. Obviously it is hard for me to say more as I don't the level of your previous argument. If the roles had been reversed and she was going through tx would you want to know? 

Sorry if I have confused you rather than helped!!  

xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

no - that's really helpful... thanks. I hope that your BF is being a bit more supportive and has followed up on her mail... what I do really think is that none of us can really judge what others are going through and we're all bound to make mistakes along the way
Nic xx


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Nic how are you doing? Not long till you test, bet you are starting to go a little  loopy now !!
I go on hol tomorrow for a week but wanted to check in and wish you all the best for OTD  and  it all works out.

xx


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## niccad (Apr 28, 2009)

Thanks... yes the loopiness has definitely starts and I guess it's going to get worse from here.. Have a great holiday

x


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