# Families!



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Do any of you have members of your family that have also adopted?

DH's brother and his wife have and all the way throught the process the wife kept trying to stick her nose in and kept making remarks about how we would probably have a long wait as we weren't teachers so our child care experience wouldn't be good enough, really making us feel as though we were wasting our time.  However, we knew different as we knew our experience was good and it turned out we were in great demand within our LA.  After approval she started with more comments about how she could help us read any forms and understand what was being said, which we totally ignored, she is the least likliest person I'd share any info with about my child.  Anyway, the comments carried on and on even when they finally met our ds.  We have since been told by DH's sister that brother and wife were shocked at how soon we let people meet ds and also the fact we'd taken him for a day trip to see sister already.  I'm a bit miffed because everything we've done has been based around knowing our ds's background and what he can and can't cope with, they are making comments with no knowledge whatsoever behind our backs.  We weren't expecting ds to settle or attach so well but it just goes to show every child and situation is different and there are no hard and fast rules.

SInce moving in we have had 2 nights with a brief disturbance within the first 2 weeks and nothing since, he sleeps through and goes to bed really well.  Though this has been great we were, and still are, prepared for sleepless nights at any time.  This was the first subject the wife brought up when she met ds and I just said it as it was but that we'd deal with it if/when it arises (not sure what else I could say) but she was really off with me, maybe slightly jealous (?), and I think its down to the fact her one DD still has disturbed nights, most nights, even after living with them for 5 years and only being 15months when she moved in.

We only stay in touch with brother and wife because of the children, everyone we know, apart from DH's parents, have said they find it a strain seeing them as they live in a very false world.  Now we have ds, who fits in wonderfully well with my family and our friends, I am more reluctant to go and see them as I don't want him to be in the atmosphere they have created and also they think they know everything about adoption.  They have even got DH's parents thinking all adopted children should be like theirs and it has taken MIL and FIL by surprise that ds is settled, relaxed and happy already, they are continually comparing him with the other children.

They also don't approve that we are applying to the courts straight after the 10week wait, they waited nearly 12 months the first time and 18 months the 2nd time.

I don't know whether I'm after any advice on how to deal with these people, I think I just maybe need to write it down and get it off my chest....I've too much going on in my life to really care about BIL and wife but I do care about how DH's parents see things and that they are all talking about us behind our backs with no knowledge of the situation.  DH's parents are already hard work, I'm still amazed that DH turned out to be so normal!  

Love
OT x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi OT,

I havent got experience of this, but I have a bs and I know when he was little I always had other people telling me what was right and wrong based on their own experience with their own children as a very young mum i did take some of it to heart, being a much older mum this time round I do take it on the chin a bit more.

It does sound like that because they have been through the adoption process they think they should pass their 'wealth of experience onto you' which I guess if they were nicer people and said a bit more diplomatically you wouldnt mind hearing it as much, it sounds like you have done a fantastic job with your little boy and you are right they are all diffierent and all adjust and settle differently into their adoptive placements as birth children are all very different, you will always have someone who thinks they know better and its unfortunate when that happens to be family as you cant tell them to 'sod off' as you could your friends!

I am sure your dh parents know you are doing a good job and keep up the good work.

As for applying for the adoption order after 10weeks then I say good for you we were chomping at the bit after 12 weeks to do it (that was the time we were allowed to apply) but it still took 7months into placement for it to go ahead so sooner rather that later i would say.I guess if you had experienced some problems with your child it is best to hold off because it is easier to get the funding and support when they are a LAC child than after the adoption order - I do know of people who have to fight tooth and nail for their children and funding always seems to be an issue once they are adopted 

Anyway dont know if this helped or not but I am sure you wil get some other replies from this.

Take care

Dawny
x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

I also have not got experience of any one in our family also adopting BUT that may change & I promise that I won't be like the family you are talking about!!! lol

I would politely suggest that if they have anything to say could they say it yourselves and not behind your back.

I would also suggest that the biggest problem here is they are jealous!!  Things have worked out fantastically for you and they are most probally feeling a tad jealous of things.

reference them telling you things about adoption, just point out that every case is different and they should know that after going through adoption twice.  Also say that as they have been through adoption they should know that you don't want to discuss things that are confidential.

In truth I would tell them to keep their sticky beaks out BUT that doesn't help any one and if you can be the "sensible" ones in all of this and say things that won't upset the apple cart then thats what i would do, although I still like the idea of saying keep your sticky beak out!!! 

Love
Andrea
x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Thanks for your replies.

Dawny, you are right, if they were nicer people we wouldn't mind the 'advice' and we would have probably talked more to them but BIL has changed so much since meeting the wife that DH doesn't want anything to do with him, she is very manipulative especially with his parents.

Andrea, I too feel like telling them to keep their noses out and I won't be surprised if it comes to that at some point.  I think you are right about the jealousy bit but they understood what they were taking on.  I find it amazing that they still refer to the children as their adopted daughters and son after 5 years but then we've never referred to our ds as 'adopted', he is our son, no other label needed.

Well, I for one won't be making any effort to get in touch with them so I guess it should bea fair while before we have to see them again.

Thanks again
Love
OT x


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