# How long does it take?



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi,

I'm new - just found the site today - and I have one simple question. Does it ever get any easier? 

We started ttc (starting to get the jargon!) in 1991, and, to cut a very long story short, we finally admitted defeat in 2002. Thing is, I still cry over other people's babies. Is there anyone on here who has accepted living without children?

Looking for someone who understands!

Nickah


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Hello Nickah!

That's a brilliant question - I'm really interested to see how people answer.  

I'm really new to the site (only been here a week) and I'm very much at the start of my "moving on/accepting" journey, as we only finished our last IVF a couple of months ago. I'm so sorry to hear that you still hurt so much. I suspect that the pain probably never goes away, but I do hope that it becomes less of a constant focus.  Hopefully someone with a little more distance will be able to comment!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Nickah
Welcome to this lovely board, where the girls are so supportive and understanding. I can really relate to your posting!!..
I just wanted to say reading between the lines you have had a tough and long path. I have to take my hat off to anyone, who is strong enough to make a decision to call it a day. I know sometimes choices are taken out of our hands, but it is still a brave decision..
I wish i can tell you how long? i do believe it is about a day to day process. And each time something bits you in the bum, then you deal with that situation at a time. Thats what we are here for, to share it with you and help you through those rocky moments. I don't know what i would have done without everyone on here??
I have just written a post about why i kept getting upset about babies etc. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and she elequantly put it to me that i am 'stuck in the loss'. It sounds as if you are in this place maybe as well? Especially as you called it a day 5yrs ago. I can empathise because it has taken me two years to reach this point, it must be awful for you as it has been even longer..When my counsellor gave me this reply I felt so much better, because i thought i was going mad  . I couldn't understand why these emotions kept creaping up every now and again. My life wasn't moving forward, i didn't know how to and it was getting me so down..I think we need help though this process, either through counselling or workshops. MM is doing a workhop in May for women going through IF. I have been on one before and they are so effective. I felt safe and free to beable to let my emotions out in a shared environment with people that understood..
I can understand the 'stuck' feeling and my heart goes out to you...
MM has a locked post on this thread on the top of the postings.....
Take care love astridxx
p.since i have taken on board what the counsellor said, i feel like a weight has been lifted...maybe think about it? there is help out there? plus being with everyone on here...


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Nicah - I'm so very glad you found us here, but sorry about the circumstances that have led to you be in the position you're in now, if that makes sense?

I'm in agreement with Astrid in that there really is no set time limit for grieving over what might have been for want of better words - is it something any of us can ever get over? I don't think so, I think it stays with us for ever, no matter how our lives pan out.

I don't mean that to sound negative though, because being through infertility (IF) has helped shape me into the sort of person I am today - not that I would have chosen to have things pan out this way for me, you understand!

The best thing I found to help me get by on the hard days was to be able to talk to like minded people. I struggled to acheive this years ago because there wasn't anything around like the internet or places like this. Here, we all have our good days and 'bite on the bum' moments, regardless of how long we've been knocking about without families of our own so to speak.

I can't speak for everyone here because we are all very diverse on this board and have come to this place through lots of different circumstances- but I hope the words you have seen here today may have helped you a little... you aren't alone in the wilderness any more hon, although we are all here for different reasons we have a common bond. I hope you feel you can stick around for a while and talk to us, and allow us to reach out to you in friendship and support.

Sending you much love and a very gentle (((hug)))

Emcee xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Nickah, 

Astrid and Emcee have said a lot of good stuff above, and all I can add is that having used this board for about six months now, I can honestly say that nothing really helps me to feel less isolated or more empowered to face the world than 'belonging' here. I know of no safer more understanding place where I can be philosophical one day, supportive of others the next, and cry for help the next.....In short, I can be me more here than in any other bit of my life, besides within my marriage; I don't have to explain, act, edit myself, be polite when I'm screaming inside, or put on a brave face....

Buddhists say that there is very little we can be certain of except that 'everything changes'. It can seem like it is taking forever for this issue to 'shrink' a little in your life, but there is always the possibility that it will, and in posting here, you may just speed that process up a bit.

Big hugs, 

MM xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear Nickah,

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. Like Emmag, I'm very new here too and also at the beginning of the end of my ttc days (if that makes sense!  ) so I'm probably too close to it all to give you any useful advice, but just to say this is a fantastic place to have found for compassion, understanding, companionship and to simply let it all out. 

With love, B xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

To all of you who have taken the time to reply - thank you so much  

I think this is the first place I haven't had to explain or modify my feelings - and haven't had anyone tell me that miracles do happen, and that they know of someone who tried for 30 years, and then had a baby after they had given up all hope  I'm sure it can happen - but not to everyone, and definitely not to me.

If I am honest, then things are a whole lot easier than a few years ago, but I think I am still waiting for a day when it doesn't hurt at all. Maybe that will never happen. Perhaps I need to work on acceptance. After many years of ttc and multiple early miscarriages (all 6-10 weeks), I chose to be sterilised (and had to fight the medical profession, who didn't want to take away my chance to conceive, because I hadn't had children!!). This was a major decision but helped enormously, because finally I had taken back a little control. 

Oh Astrid - what a wise counsellor you've found. Loss resonates so much with me, there have been so many. Sometimes I think my IF problems are made worse by the fact that I am adopted - I have no blood relations and I think a lot of my motivation in ttc naturally was to find a connection. They tell me that is another loss in my life - but no-one has yet given me magic words to make it better!

I love the idea of a workshop, but I can't make the one in May. Is this a regular thing?

I will definitely stay here now I've found you - I do feel the need to talk about my story and my feelings.
{{{{Big hugs}}}} to all of you, and thankyou again.

Nickah
xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Nickah, 

I am planning to do two more workshops this year in September and November, and if there is sufficient demand, I would consider doing one between May and September. There wil always be a place for you, should you ever feel the time is right.

Big hugs, 

MM xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Nikkah
I was so moved by your post....i think you are such a brave and tougher lady, than you probably imagine yourself to be....
I have pm'd you....
Thinking of you..
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

nickah, same for me too - I am very humbled by reading what you have been through and it brought a few tears to my eyes also seeing what you have had to deal with... we are honoured that you felt you were able to 'tell it like it is' for you and share your thoughts with us

You are one brave lady honey, I'm so sorry you have had to endure all the crap thats been flung your way.

With love 
Emcee xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Nickah, welcome!I haven't been here long either - just a couple months.  
These group of women have kept me sane!
It sounds like you have been through a tremendous amount. So hard. So unfair.
I'm not sure that the pain of IF ever goes completely but I do think slowly over time it becomes more part of us ( that's what I'm hoping anyway.) I think we will always grive, when friends and relatives have children, when they have grandchildren. There are other people in the group facing exactly this now.
I look forward to getting to know you.

All my love and lots hugs from New Zealand
Joanne


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I'm late to this as ever Nickah, I just wanted to add my welcome to that of the others.  

I understand entirely when you say you wanted to take back control and the irony of your predicament brought a tear to my eye.

Anyway, you're obviously a brave lady and I hope you'll hang around for a while, there's a lot of support to be had here.

flipper


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Nickah

I have just come back to the boards after a break due to changes in my own family enviroment, and to be honest
I feel a bit of a fake to answer you but this is a question which I think most new members have asked and it is
one which is never easy to respond to and impossible to answer.

The process of accepting our fate is just like the grieving process and it takes time and effects each of us
in different ways, you must allow yourself to grieve, I tried to put on a brave face and build walls around me
I always appeared calm and in control and made out that I did not care, that performance lasted for many years
until out of the blue my lie caught up with me and I plummeted into serious depression.

We all have something to offer life the tough thing is figuring out what that is but the support on these boards
will help to support you in the meantime.

Love Dydie xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Nickah,

Your question is probably the biggest one we on this board face. I hope I can ressure you that it *can* get easier, mostly through time. My response may seem tough, but I hope it holds out hope.

Facing the fact we will never have children is a kind of grief. This idea is not at all original! Dydie speaks of this below. Like other forms of bereavement the worst part can be going through anniversaries. Maybe we have to go through the anniversaries of first trying to conceive, of miscarriages, of failed treatments, of negative tests.... before we can move on. Because we tend to try for a family for years on end, these anniversaries can take a long while to work through. I know that while I still had hope of success I was able to gloss over the anniversaries of my earlier griefs, but when I finally faced giving up, I had to deal with them all, one after the other.

Like other bereaved people, once these anniversaries have been lived through, we can start to find new meanings for our lives. That is not easy, but it is more than possible.

That is not to say that there will not be difficult moments. (As someone approaching 51, I miss the idea of grandchildren. On the otherhand I can celebrate the fact that my DH and I choose to be together without the bonds of parenthood.) People find different achievements to be proud of.

Give yourself time, and you will find your way forward.

Meanwhile, you have an understanding community here.

love 
Jq xxx


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