# Calling all those with Children Placed NEED ADVICE



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi All

I am a ‘lurker’ to the adoption threads and regularly read your posts.  

My husband and I have our own unfortunate infertility story which I won’t bore you with!  We finished treatment a year ago – we won’t get pg naturally without further treatment so our only other option (other than remaining childless) is adoption.

We have had our initial visit by the head of the social workers which went well.  We have been lucky enough to get on prep group days pretty quickly and are really enjoying them.  The first week was very positive and we both felt really good afterwards.  However, this week’s prep group was really difficult and has left both my husband and I questioning things.  We had a talk by an experienced adopter who talked about one of her adoptive children who has severe attachment difficulties and as a result has great problems forming relationships and managing his temper/behaviour.  She adopted the child when the child was 4 years old, prior to that the child had been with foster carers (for about a year I think).  She was very positive about parenting this child BUT to us it sounded like a complete ‘nightmare’ for want of a better word!  The child is now 7 years old, has been with them for 3 years and still has frequent bouts of kicking, punching and even trying to strangle his adoptive parents!!  

My question is ………… is this really what it is like  After 3 years of parenting, being patient, loving a child I would be hoping for more respect than that and a little love back (even making allowances for the child’s past).  I personally would need a child that could love me back eventually – am I kidding myself?  The Social workers were quick to point out that this particular child was severely neglected from birth and had no interaction with anyone until he was fostered at 3 years so this is why he behaves in this way and that that kind of child would only be given to experienced adopters but I am still left wondering if this is the ‘norm’ or the exception!  I accept that there are going to be a number of settling in issues etc but would definitely hope to have some fun with the child and for it not to be a constant battle for years!  We have so much love to give, we are warm, patient loving etc but we do want to enjoy the parenting experience and if that is really what it is like then I would rather just know now!  Part of what has prompted this is that I also had a reality check last night when I went onto the ‘Adoption UK’ message boards and read about a lady who had to return a 6 year old child as it was found out he had RAD and was very hard to handle.

SO, please can those of you who have had children placed with you give me an HONEST account of what it was and is like?  A bit of background (confidentiality permitted) would be helpful too (ie. how long they were in damaging environment, how long in foster care, how old when they came to you?)  Could you manage the behaviours of your children?  Did you fall in love with your child and did your child return the love to you?  Do you feel like mum and dad?  Do they all have these extreme behavioural problems?  Would we be waiting years and years for a child that was without extreme problems?  We are hoping to adopt (if we decide it is for us) from about age 2 - 4.

Can I be really cheeky……., I really only want to hear from those who have actually adopted (and not from people from other parts of this board who don’t like the idea of adoption but have not experienced parenting an adopted child themselves).

Although obviously I am hoping for positive replies because we do so desperately want to be mum and dad, I really need you to all be honest with me!  Can you give it to me warts and all ladies!! 

I hope this does not sound too negative – please help if you have adopted.

Thank you so much for helping in our decision making process.

Dame Edna x


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## LB (Sep 24, 2003)

Hi Dame Edna

I will give you my honest thoughts.

In my experience:-

the third day of the four day prep course was very deep and somewhat depressing on the surface, however i have found it to be accurate.  What we have experienced is exactly as described ie

A - the longer the child has been left in the "environment" the more damage there is.
B - the number of moves a child has undergone can reflect in their outlook.
C - foster carer can have a huge bearing on the child.
many more of course.

I took a few days to get my head around the entire course and on the whole we felt it was designed to make you think really carefully about what you were doing - and who the process is for.

Due to our past experience we attended an in depth  course on attachment and this gave us a better understanding - i would recommend this to all potential adopters - especially if you are considering an older child.  I believe that some damage is there and will remain there until adult hood and beyond.

It is not the same in all cases though - there are some children with quiet straight forward backgrounds - this does not mean you will have no issues.

I have a friend who sits on the panel and also is an adopter and does the chat you heard at your course.  It is a fact and i have this from the horses mouth that in out area they like to choose adopters who have a story to tell. and not the perfect fairytale.

We have recently adopted a younger child after lowering our age range and are having an exhausting but rewarding time - its early days yet.

i think when you go through your home assessment you need to really think about what you could cope with in a child or children.  This is not to put you off it's just "be true to yourselves" and stick with it - SW's may try to stretch the age or tell you not to be too restrictive but i say think about what you could deal with and thats IT!

I have spoken to many people who believe that adoption is a positive experience and brings much joy as well as some heartache - but we need to remember this is true of parenthood too 

there are lots of ladies on this thread and i am sure you will receive some very valid and helpful information. And i'll take a bet that none would change it 

best of luck with your journey

LB
X


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi LB  

Many thanks for taking the trouble to write such a detailed, balanced and honest response.

It is strange the way my hubby and I are both feeling.  One minute we are all for it and the next we are scared witless!  We don't expect the whole adoption experience to be a bed of roses but do expect some joy!

I think what you said about being very true to yourself is very valid - we are definately going to think very carefully about what we can and can't 'take on'.  It is hard to know what to do for the best regarding age .... I think the age your little one came to you is ideal (ie. around 2 years) as they are old enough for any medical problems to have shown up but young enough to not be too 'damaged'.  I do get the feeling that is is the length of time they are in their 'damaging' envoirnment that is key (and not necessarily their age) to the outcome and whether they can form attachments etc.

Thank you so much for helping us.  My husband and I have just been nodding along to your post.

I wish your little one a very happy childhood with lots of laughter   

Thanks
Dame Edna
x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Dame Edna

i am not an adoptive mum as yet however am half way through home study- i have to say our home study was very hard going and did paint the blakest of pictures as its there to make sure you can deal with differant things however like LB has said you need to be honest with your self about what you can deal with

like i say we are half way through home study and at times i feel like screaming as we have to go through so much to become parents however the things we are learning are going to be so needed for us. during home study everything gets broken down into sections and you can talk about everything your want/need to .

i think the other thing you need to remember is that you have a choice to say yes or no to a match if you feel that is it right/wrong for you, also during home study your social worker will get to know you so well (as ours said- she needs to know everything about us)  and also what kind of child/children will be suitable to your abilities.

it was said to us repeatidly that adoption social workers are not there to make us parents however to give children a loving forever home and family!

during your prep course have you met any foster careers/adoptive parents/adopted adults ? we did and this was great as we could ask them directly

hope what i have said helps even though i am not a mummy YET!

hugs

Mez
xxxx

ps i am starting an adoption chat night in the next few weeks which you may also find helpful


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Dame Edna

It is very difficult to tell if a child is going to react to their past especially when they have not shown any previous signs.  On the face of it things with our children seemed to be perfect.  However last year my eldest daughter was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and hypervigilince ( they have been with us for 2.5 years).  Whilst she is a very loving child her behaviour can often be difficult to manage and she wears us out.

We don't regret it for a minute but when it is bad it is really bad and can leave you feeling quite helpless.  Our SW has been great and she has done some searching through the files to plot her life out in alot of detail.  This has helped us to identify the things that can trigger her behaviour.  None of this would have been obvious from the Form E.

LA's are legally bound to provide you with after care for three years post the child's legal adoption, so you are not alone.  However my SW is still seeing people for some considerable time past this.

As LB says you need to be honest with yourselves about what you can cope with.  We felt really guilty on our Form F when we said "No" to alot of the circumstances but it was about all round quality of life for our new family and balanced against the knowledge that I would be returning to full time work.

I hope this doesn't sound like I have been the harbinger of doom but this is our daily reality, we are surviving and have no regrets

Karen x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi Dame Edna, it is very difficult for me to answer your questions as my ds was removed from birth and i brought him home when he was 14 weeks old.   He is only 15 months old now and i have no idea what impact being adopted will have on him when he is old enough to understand it. I am hoping due to him having no trauma the impact will be minimal but i believe that depends on what his personality is like and whether he has insecurities or identity problems. Saying that i am not going to spend his childhood worrying about it and i'll be there if and when he needs any support 

pam xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Mum's 

MJ - Thanks for your input (even though you are not a mummy ..... yet!). I do agree with you (and the sw's) saying _they are not there to make us parents however to give children a loving forever home and family!_. I guess to give kids a loving forever home and family the match has got to be 100% right for *everyone* . MJ, you asked if we have had a chat from an 'adopter' on our prep course .... that was in fact what sparked this off!! At the last prep group this week, we had a talk from an experienced adopter about her boy who kicks, punches and tries to strangle her 3 years on from placement (he has RAD). Thanks for the offer of joining the chat night - I may well take you up on that 

KarenM - I want to thank you for being so honest about life with your children. I have to be honest and say that I did find it alarming that the RAD has only just begun to show up 2.5 years after you adopted and there was no mention on it on her form F! Please can I ask you, at what age did you adopt your daughter and how long was she with the BP? I am just wondering if there were clues there which perhaps the sw's did not pick up on at the time. Karen, I do understand that you love your children to bits, have no regrets - that is taken as read hun  Is it 'unusual' for a child to have RAD and the social workers not mention it in the form f? Smiley face for your children 

Saphy 75/Pam - thanks to you too. I guess with your boy being so young when you got him, it is a different set of possible concerns in comparison to adopting a child at age 2 years. Just to clarify, my concern is not the _impact of adoption_ but how you assess if a child will have difficulties brought on from the environment they lived in *prior* to the adoption and not the fact that he/she is adopted. I guess with your boy being so young when you got him he will be just fine 

Keep em coming girls .... this is helpful.

Thank you to all of you.

Dame Edna


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

We have a 2 year old with us (she was placed at 19months).  Despite being in one,loving, foster home pretty much since birth we have noticed some attachement issues sine she came and settled with us - on the mild scale though  - just things like being extra clingy or going to any adult for help rather than just us - and none of this was mentioned at all in her Form E. We were told she has excellent atachements (which 99% of the time she has and she is properly bonded with us).  

We have to conclude that the move from foster care to here has affected her more than we thought at the time.  She by no means has 'attachment problems' but some of her behaviour has been assessed as being linked to her move and having various 'main carers' through her short life.  We hope and are told that this will ease off as she becomes more and more settled and develops as a 'normal' toddler.

You need to accept that adopting a child means taking a 'risk' of attachment issues - however slight - because even in the best circumstances - you will be the third 'mummy' this child will have had - BM(the jury is still out on how pre-birth, birthing and neo-natal bonding affects future bonding.), FM and then you. In some cases you might be the 4th, 5th or 6th 'mummy' not including the times s/he was returned to birth mum between interventions. I know one wee boy who was adopted at age 14months and adoptive mum is his 6th 'mummy'.  He has settled well and shows no signs as yet of RAD but it is 50:50 whether or not it will develop when her gets older and begins to process all of his experiences as a toddler/young child.

magenta x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Girls, you have all been very helpful - thank you  

Magenta - phew!  What you are describing with your little girl sounds pretty 'normal' to me!!  I was very 'clingy' as a 2 year old (permanently hanging onto my mum's skirt!).  Seriously, I think any kind of 'mild' attachment difficulties can be worked on and like you say, are to be expected really (given the potential amount of 'mum's' they have had in their short lives).  I understand what you are saying about accepting the element of 'risk' too (good point!!).  I guess this boils down to what we would find 'acceptable' risk. 

THANK YOU and congrats on your daughter.  In fact congratulations to all of you.

Dame Edna 
x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Dame Edna

If I am honest SS were responsible for my daughters RAD.  They failed to read her file properly when her SW changed many times and never put a stop to the disruptive contact arrangements that took place whcih went on for almost 2 years.  She came to her FC's at 6 weeks and moved in with us shortly before her 2nd birthday, so we her third mummy and daddy.

Now that my SW has plotted it out for us we can see the sorts of things that trigger her behaviour.  e.g. she has to know where she is going when she gets in the car (shame as it sometimes spoils the surprises we plan) but given the disruptive contact she needs to know where she is going, who with and how long for.  Her behaviour is not violent more irritating/draining e.g. we have running comentary on everything she does, and I mean everything.  We have to repeat things so much as she is not listening because of talking so much.

Glad that the info the girls have provided has helped.

Good luck
Karen x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Thought I would post this about RAD as it describes the trauma and fear that those with RAD have. My DD will never cope with change well, but at least we know this and can help her prepare for when we cannot stop this from happening e.g. starting school

Imagine yourself at an amusement park, and you've just taken a seat on one of the largest roller coasters in the park. The ride begins, and you ever so slowly begin that long steep climb to the very top of the tracks. When you finally reach the top, you hold on so tight that your knuckles turn white, and you begin to brace yourself for that first sudden drop to the bottom. From then on... you know that there's no turning back. Your heart starts to race... and all you can do is just hold on really tight as you brave the many twists... turns... and dips that lie ahead. At times, you can almost feel your heart drop into your stomach as your body is quickly turned upside down... and spun around in circles. Just when you think you can't hold on for much longer, you begin to feel the cars slowing down... and you can start to breathe a little easier knowing that the ride is almost over. When the roller coaster stops at its final destination, you breathe a big sigh of relief... smile... and congratulate yourself for not losing your lunch.

But... what if the roller coaster never came to a complete stop? What if it only slowed down for a short time and then began to make that long steep climb back up to the top again... quickly dropping you down to the bottom... sending you back through all of the same series of twists and turns... flipping you upside down until your stomach starts to churn all over again? Then... just as the roller coaster begins to slow down once again, and you can feel yourself starting to relax... and breathe normally... you are completely horrified to find that it's slowly beginning to carry you right back up that steep hill again. What if the roller coaster never stopped? What if the ride continued to go on for two... four... or even six years? Imagine living out your life on a giant roller coaster. Imagine spending every day of your life slowly climbing up steep hills, knowing that once you finally reach the top, someone's going to push you back over the edge... and send you spiraling back down to the very bottom again. Imagine waking up each morning knowing that you'll be spending your entire day being spun around in circles. Imagine trying to function throughout the day as your heart is being twisted and turned in every direction, and your world is constantly being turned upside down. Imagine trying to speak... or smile... while you're holding your breath. Imagine spending each and every day of your life riding a giant roller coaster... knowing that you may never reach your final destination. Welcome to the world of Reactive Attachment Disorder!


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Karen

Thank you for your postings.  I understand what you are saying about your daughter having disruptive contact arrangements during her time with the foster carer - what a shame that happened.

Thanks also for the interesting piece about RAD!  I hope your daughter surprises you when she starts school - she is lucky to have you.  It is interesting that your other daughter does not have attachment issues when they came from the same background isn't it - perhaps personality plays a part too?

I have two more questions for anyone who can answer:-

1.  Do you know how common RAD is in adoptive kids?

2.  Is it 'usually' picked up before placement (I know in your case it was not and it can show up later down the line but wondering if it is usually picked up before placement)?  

Thank you!
Dame Edna x

PS.  I have my very first 'bubble' - thanks to whoever 'blew' me that


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

just thought I'd add our story here. We adopted a 2.5 year old boy last year. He's attached really well. Our major concern was his sleeping (nitemares) which took a fair toll in the first few months. But thankfully a fairly tight bedtime routine and a "review" of the day after his bedtime story sorted that out. Or maybe he just felt safe with us....who knows?!

There were concerns raised on his form F about attachment to men, as he was often wary of them. But I had a great moment when last week i noticed him chatting away to my friends DH having not known him very long. Great to know that he's trusting people again.

So i can say with hand on heart that we feel we were very lucky with our DS.....although there's no telling what the future holds. He seems like one of life's survivors.

xxruthie


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Ahh that's just wonderful Ruthie it really is  

Perhaps if we decide to adopt after our prep course, you can come and sort out our little one's bedtime routine - you sound fantastic!

Seriously, you should be really proud of yourself with the progress he has made - he is obviously gaining confidence with your help and it is SUPERB to hear another positive story.

Thank you
Dame Edna xx


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## Ribeena (May 1, 2007)

Haven't posted on here b4 but remember the feelings well of dispare as the potential realities of adoption unfold (along with the scarey stories).  It become less of a dream and more of a possible reality.  We too became doubtful during the training, the scales tipped whereas I had been really keen & DH not - things turned around the other way and I began to loose my nerve I suppose.  
I think the thing that helped me at the time, even though a bit simplistic, was to think of it as a driving test and that once passed I didn't have to drive a car but without passing I didn't even have the choice.  Thinking this way took the pressure off both of us and we stopped trying to make it a huge decision process too early and enjoyed collecting information and attending the groups. By the time we went to panell we knew what we wanted.  The other thing to remember is that you can only adopt a child if you accept it - I know this sounds hard but when it comes to decision time you must be honest with yourselves about what child/children you are looking for and be strong with SS.  It is better to refuse a placement than have it go wrong or to wait longer for the right one.  

We have an adopted daughter now 6 - adopted 2 years ago.
I will cannot say it has been easy at times, there are a lot of adjustments to be made in the early days -  but we count our blessings because she is a joy and I now cannot imagine life without her - sometimes I even forget that she is not my natural child, especially when out with other mums.
To see her grow, develop and provide what she might never have had emotionally and materially is a privilege for me.
Someone earlier posted that they attended a course on attachment - we did this early in the placement and I would definitely recommend it - it made otherwise strange behaviour make sense and it also helped us learn strategies that are not necessarily the ones that you would think of using.

My advice would definitely be keep strong in what you want, which is very hard at times to do and try and relax, enjoy, treat it as a learning experience and the beginning of a journey that will have the right outcome for you.

Good luck
Any questions just ask away
ribeena


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Dame Edna

I haven't found any UK figures to respond to your first question, but an American study states that 52% of children in adoption are believed to have the condition to varying degrees.

The attached website has some good resources and information

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm#online

 This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.UK or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites 

In terms of your second question it is difficult to say. Sometimes children do show signs in the FCH but other times it is not and it is the feelings of the move into the adoption placement that triggers it. Even as adults we all respond to stress and change in different ways. I think it largely depends on what background the child comes from and how they react to the changes the placement leads to. There is also the arguement of nature v nurture as sometimes there are in born tempraments that make it difficult for children to form secure attachments.

The sad thing is my DD's case could have been prevented had SS put a stop to the contact. My other DD didn't have the same issues, she was placed with another FC at birth and was never subject to the same contact arrangements. As Ribeena says you learn to parent them but using tactics that you would not normally think of deploying. It keeps us on our toes!!

I hope this information has helped. You need to be wary of the scare stories. Whilst it can be difficult at times, the highs by far outweigh the lows and we have a very bright, gifted and talented little girl who will no doubt achieve what she wants.

Good luck
Karen x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Girls

Me again saying my 'thank you's'!

Ribeena - Thank you for sharing your story with me. You really hit the nail on the head with everything you said! In a nice way you were telling me to 'chill out' and stop putting pressure on myself and DH to come to a decision at this early stage - you are so right! I found the comments you made about your precious daughter very heartwarming and it actually brought a tear to my eye when you said _we count our blessings because she is a joy and I now cannot imagine life without her - sometimes I even forget that she is not my natural child, especially when out with other mums._ How lovely Ribeena that you feel like this and that your little girl is so happy.

Karen - Thanks for the link and for answering my questions - I am sure there will be more to come too! I was out yesterday but will read the link today - in between doing prep group homework! We are off for the next installment tomorrow - I am looking forward to it (especially the cake at tea breaks!). It is interesting the nature vs nurture debate. We have a girl on our course who was adopted herself and she says that having met her birth mum she would say it is definately 50/50. lovely to hear what you said about your daughter too Karen - she sounds like a great kid 

As usual thanks for your support everyone.

D. Edna xx


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## Ribeena (May 1, 2007)

Hi Edna,
Just had another thought after reading your past posts - we were quite hung up on the age thing intially thinking that age 2 - 3 would be ideal etc etc.  
As time went on I would have like a very young child, on the other hand my husband preferred an older child!  Differnet thoughts again!  So we decided not to concentrate too heavily on the age issue but in finding the 'right' child for us in personality interests etc.  As it happens our little girl loves arts and crafts (I am an artist), she is quite athletic - so is my husband, she loves animals - we have cats and dogs + many more similarities.  
As she was 4 she was asked what she wanted from a new mummy and daddy - in her report the SS had written she wanted a mummy and daddy that looked like her - she obviously craved the sense of belonging that she has never had - we look very alike, same hair/eyes and build -  she has picked up so many or our little ways and mannerisms, people are astonished when we say that she is adopted!  Our DD still refers all the time to how we are twins, we have the same hair etc etc - it was obviously so important to her and it has helped her to settle and the process of feeling attached to us - we are a family.  I am not saying this would be the same for every child by any means but she had identified it as being important to her and by listening to what she wanted the whole process has definitely been helped.  So when you come to look at children, if old enough I think their wishes and interests are really important too.
As it happened our DD was 4 right in the middle of our age range, although her natural age was and still is a bit younger than her physical age - we concentrated far more on personality and the prospect of the child fitting into our way of life - which she has beautifully.

Sorry feel like I have rambled on

ribeena


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi there

My story is a bit of a fairy tale if I'm being honest, but it is our reality, so I thought I would share it with you.

Our prep course was pretty much the same as yours... we turned up with hope and excitement and that continued until the 3/4th day... when the adopters turned up and told us about attachment disorders etc. etc.  We too said we couldn't cope with a child who would never attach.

We were so numbed by all the information, that we put our home study on hold for a month or two... it ended up being 4 months as we wanted the same SW and had to wait for her. As soon as we put it on hold, we knew we wanted to go ahead, but I'd broken my leg and dh was working hard for a promotion and we knew it was right to put on hold.

When we started our home study, we realised that we DID have some control in this whole process.  During the early days of the adoption process, you just want to be accepted and will do/say/think almost anything to be accepted.  But when you start the home study, you realise that they just want you to be very honest about what you can or cannot cope with.  You realise that you DO actually have a say in the kind of child you can take on - yes it might take a bit longer, but in actual fact, saying no to a matching (however heartbreaking at the time), is seen as a strength.

We felt sick at the session where we had to tick the boxes for the kind of child we could cope with, but our SW was fantastic and made us feel so relaxed about it.  She said "the last thing we want is for a linking to break down, and if you're not honest, that is what will happen".  We felt so much better about everything.  Anyway, in the end, she told us that we had actually accepted a wide range of issues... and were a good resource to them.  We were gobsmacked at this as we felt we were being too "choosy" and that worried us all along.

We were offered 2 sets of children before being matched with our DD now.  Both times we just knew it didn't feel right at all.  The 2nd one we were very upset about, as he was 12 months old and we just knew it wasn't a good match, but we were so disappointed.  We'd discussed all the "what if we don't feel it's right"... and when it did happen to us, we had to say no... we couldn't live a lie and worse still we couldn't let a child down because we didn't have the guts to be honest at the time.  I know the SW's really appreciated this.

Anyway, we were then matched with "Bea" at 6 months old.  She was 2 days off 9 months when she came to us... and was described as a "perfect baby" in adoption terms.  She was placed with foster carers at 3 days old, and there was no contact with the birth family (not for the want of trying on SS part).  This has had such a positive effect on her, and whilst reports suggest that she might be developmentally behind (due to her circumstances in the womb), she is as bright as a button and very confident.  She adapted so well to her move from FC to us... and is now like any other birth child.  Yes she could have problems in the future, but we will face those like any other parent.  But for now, everything is hunky dory.

We were so worried about ruining our life, thinking perhaps that "someone up there" was trying to tell us something (we are unexplained - 9 yrs ttc) and on hearing all the horror stories, weren't sure we wanted to put ourselves up for what sounded like a life of misery.  

I know we are very lucky and our adoption story is by no means common, BUT, you only have to read this board to know how positive adoption can be.  I am in touch with a couple of other ladies whose little daughters have made their lives... like mine.  All my fears have been unfounded.

I think doubts during the process are important.. it makes you think about things, and boy do you need to think and talk, think and talk, think and talk...  I think the more you question things, the more prepared you will be, because you are not just going along and accepting whatever... you are consciously entering into each stage, having thought deeply about everything.  

I wish you all the luck in the world on this wonderful journey... let us know how you get on.

C xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi,
I am one of the other ladies Barbarella mentioned. We too have had a fairy tale experience with our baby girl (matched at just turned 13 months). So far in the time she has been with us (since last November) I can honestly say we haven't had any problems at all, I keep waiting for the bubble to burst! She is completely and utterly our little girl she bonded instantly and has never wavered from that. Now like so many of us on here we are just a normal family whatever that is! I am very aware however that we could encounter problems at any time or into the future but like any family we will deal with problems when they arrise. 
I am also aware that we have been very lucky but I would say that of every body on here. I do believe there is something inately special about adopted children, maybe as a result of their beginnings coupled with arriving into a family that so desperately want them, I don't know it's a complicated old business.
I probably haven't helped in the slightest but welcome any way and do keep writing.
Love JD x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi everyone

Sorry it has taken me a while to come back to you all.  We were away for the weekend.

You have all been so sweet in sharing your wonderful stories - I am making secure attachments to you girls  

Had our 3rd prep group last week - we are all so friendly now and we had quite a good laugh!  We had talk from a Birth Mother and had a talk from an adopted girl (who was adopted at age 4).  The Birth Mother talk was very moving and to be honest, hard to listen to in parts.  Then we had a talk from the adopted girl who had a very 'difficult' start in life and was removed from her birth family at age 4 years.  She was bubbling over with love for her adoptive parents and extended family and it was lovely to hear.  She says her mum and her are still very close even now she is grown up    She told us she is so grateful she was adopted and her mum and dad were so grateful to have her - she never felt 'second best' which is just great too.  It was lovely to hear.  Final prep day is next week ......  

Now for some personals for the girls who have been kind enough to respond:-

Ribeena - I think if there is one thing i learnt from your latest post it is that you have to go with the best 'match'.  At age 4 your little girl seems to have just slotted into your family so well.  I guess that is a 'plus' with going for a child slightly older is that they can tell you what they want and you can match with personality/likes/dislikes etc.  I thought it was so 'cute' that she wanted to look like her adoptive parents - my heart melted.  Great that she says you are 'twins', bless her heart!  Thanks again x

Barbarella - I think it is a great strength to 'turn down' children who seem to be 'unsuitable for you, I totally agree.  Far better to wait just a while longer (God knows we have all been waiting long enough what's another few months   ) for the perfect match rather just agree to anything regardless of suitability!  We are getting more and more of an idea of what we would be looking for as time goes on and I guess SS cover all that in the Home study so we should be pretty clear by the time we have to 'tick the dreaded boxes'!  You certainly sound like you got a great 'match' with your little girl and vice versa Barbarella - congratulations MUM and thanks for sharing!

Jilldill - .... another fairy tale!  Just when I was starting to remove my 'rose coloured glasses'!  Seriously, I think it is right what you say about 'adopted children' - let's face it they couldn't be more loved than when they go to their adoptive families .... they are such a blessing  Congratulations to you too Jill and you HAVE helped in what you said and thanks also for sharing your lovely story!

Thanks again everyone
Love 
Dame Edna
xxxxx


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