# Any 'older' ladies trying for a sibling?



## AuroraAngel

Hi

Just wondering if there are any other 'older'  mums like me out there who are trying for a sibling and are willing to share experiences?

I am 44 (my son through IVF is 2 - born age 42 and ET at age 41).  We just had a failed round of IVF for a sibling.  Not sure whether to go again or not as chances are so low.  Would love to hear others' experiences

Thanks x


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## mierran

Hi,
I am getting et on Monday. My kids are all donor egg as I have stage 4 endo and only one ovary ( and that's pretty gubbed). I have 7 year old twins and a 3 year old. I had 4 oe cycles then a tandem cycle abroad where both I and a donor were stimmed and I got pregnant with my twins from the 2 de embryos transferred.

Re the oe treatment I think it is a difficult decision. If you assume about 1 in 20 eggs normal next question is how many are you getting. If only one or two do you want to try pgs and embryo banking? 
For me I reached the point physically mentally emotionally and financially that I couldn't keep doing it. And I wouldn't change the kids i have ( tho I do still grieve for the baby I lost in my first pregnancy)

Good luck whatever you decide. X x


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## AuroraAngel

Thanks Mierran, 

I really wanted to use my own eggs, not because I have any issues with DE in general, but because my son is OE and therefore if I had a child who wasn't it could complicate things. I can't see that I'd love them any differently but how they would feel about it could be problematic and I would want to be open with them about where they both came from. For this reason I don't think I can consider DE. Therefore it's try with my eggs or not at all. 

I didn't get a good response at all. Just I fertilised from 3. I was on a different protocol and drug from last time though. 

I wish you best of luck with your ET and congrats on your family x


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## SparrowSG

Hi,

I am almost in the same boat as you. Had DS1 through IVF in 2016 when I was 41 and now going for IVF again next month for number 2, I just turned 43.  My AMH came back as 2.5 and the scan showed not too many follicles, so I am not that confident.  My Dr has also said he will put me on a different protocol as well this time. Can I ask what your two protocols were?  I was 450 stims the first time around (and a lot of other drugs too), and stims took 12 days as my follicles were slow to react.  This time I am on something called Femara, both my IVF treatments are at a clinic in Athens, Greece.  I have already said to myself that if this one fails, I may have one more try later in the year.. maybe a good egg would be in that batch if not in this one?? 

For me, if I have the money and the time then I would still continue with the IVF route, whilst trying naturally in between.


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## AuroraAngel

Hi Sparrow,

thanks for your reply and sorry to hear you're not feeling very confident.

My protocol with my son was ;long protocol' - down reg with Buserelin then stims with Gonal F. I was slow to respond and took 15 days on stims, but got 8 eggs, 5 fertilised and 3 made it to day 5 (2 implanted and one perished before freezing).  One of those 2 implanted is now my son .  This time they wanted to try 'short protocol' and I had Norethisterone then Cetrotide and Meriofert for stims (again for 15 days).  It looked good at first as I had more follicles, but they retrieved 6 eggs and only 1 fertilised which didn't work. My lining wasn't great though (thin in some places and thicker in others, but decided to go ahead with an ultrasound guided transfer to place it in the thicker areas as we wee worried it wouldn't survive to freeze. 

I'm not sure if a change in drugs is the answer or if it really is down to the quality of eggs.  The one embryo I did get this time apparently was good, so I'm confused why more eggs didn't make it to fertilise - I need to ask them about this at follow up appointment. 

I'm not sure whether a different protocol/drug regime will help or whether it is just a quality issues with eggs due to age.  At Uk clinics they just seem to automatically assume this when you are older, rather than consider what else might be going ok.  I feel my lining may well be a factor. 

I don't feel I'm ready to try donor eggs at this point, because my son isn't it could complicate things between them. It's something I'm exploring though, but really feel as my AMH is still in normal range there is no reason this shouldn't work.  My primary fertility issue was that I wasn't ovulating, so obviously the drugs deal with that and therefore in my mind there's no reason it shouldn't work just because of my age.  But then I have to question how long (emotionally and financially) I could keep trying with my own eggs and I think that's limited. 

Have you found the Athens clinic to be good then (are they ok about age)? Do you mind me asking which one it is please?

I really hope this one works for you  

Thanks


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## MummyBarcelona

Hi Aurora,

I am in a similar situation, had my DD thru IVF in 2015 at 41... had frozen embryos from that cycle and decided to do PGD, and they were all abnormal... then did a second round last year, unfortunately all were abnormal too. This May at 44 we decided to do last round without PGD... fresh cycle ended in blighted ovum and on the 26th had FET with remaining frozen embryos..  transferred 3. I am currently in the 2ww... i tested today and there is a very faint line... i am very cautious as with my history it could all very well end in a CP & BO etc. If we don't manage we wll accept life as a family of 3!

What I wanted to say is that if you really want to go for it with OE, you should! Perhaps change clinic/protocol? I never considered DE because I feel it is not the rght thing for our family.. I am not very hopeful for this positive test and I am fully ready to move on if it doesn´t happen. I am quite tired of trying to be honest. Having one child is pretty wonderful too  She will experience other kinds of love with other family members and friends, like I did as single child  

Whatever you decide I am sure it will be the right decision for your family!

lots of luck!!!

x


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## AuroraAngel

Hi MummyBarcelona,

Sounds like a tough ride and I'm so sorry for your losses   I really hope that line does continue to get stronger - will keep everything crossed for you. 

Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.  You're right, having one child is wonderful, but I think one of the main things is that I'm conscious that we are older parents who don't have much family and I really worry about my son having no-one around once we are gone .  I know he may choose a partner and have friends, but it's not the same as having a sibling or family member to be there to support you (especially at times like bereavement of your parents etc). Sorry, morbid topic I know!

I think we will try again with OE, but will look into different clinics and protocols.  I've been doing a bit of reading up and exploring different threads on here and the impression I get is that many of the clinics here just aren't interested.  I guess it impacts negatively on their statistics. 

Do you mind me asking, have you had treatment in the UK or abroad? I'm assuming abroad as you transferred 3. 

I really hope that this time works out for you
Thanks Aurora x


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## deblovescats

Aurora - I totally get what you're saying about trying for a sibling. I have had the same thoughts as you. As I'm an older mum, and my sister does not have any children, I'm also a solo mum, so no siblings on that side either. I used double donation which I'm comfortable with. As soon as I had my son, I was planning to try again as I was lucky enough to have 3 blastocysts from same cycle and I was lucky again, and he now has a sister. It was important to me that they both have a sibling who are genetically related exactly to each other, so that they feel a sense of belonging and if there were, heaven forbid, any medical issues, they might be a match. I also wanted another baby. I can see that you dilemma is that your son is OE, so you have a lot to weigh up. I am planning a further cycle as I have two embryos left and feel a responsibility to them, as they are siblings to my little ones!


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## MummyBarcelona

Hi Aurora! 

I worry about the exact same things! As I am older (my husband is a little younger then me) I really felt i didn´t want to leave her `alone` - that is the main reason we tried two more rounds. However, I did do a little survey and asked a lot of friends how they felt about their siblings - and to my surprise most of them didn´t get on with them in their adulthood and relied much more on their friends and partners... Still those that do get on with them, have a wonderful relationship! Even so all of our friends already have No.2 so in the end it´s what you wish for, for your family  It seems that my DD will be on her own - my lines are getting fainter, I really think it´s a chemical. We will stop trying and enjoy her... I also feel that all these cycles take a lot of energy and patience away from her - moody and tired mama!! Gosh it´s such a personal decision!

I did all 3 of my cycles at BarcelonaIVF - I really can´t fault my doctor - she really tried for us  I visited another couple of clinics but I really liked the personalised approach the the clinic gave us. I didn´t do any extra tests, just the normal protocols and got as many eggs as possible... I hear that sometimes it is better at my age to do lots of mini-rounds to collect fewer but better quality eggs.. not sure about this - I was a good responder so didn´t really consider it... my eggs are just shot!

If you need more details about the clinic let me know!!

lots and lots of luck! x


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## chiffchaff

Well said Barcelona mummy, totally agree.


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## SparrowSG

Hi Aurora,

Sorry for the late reply.

The clinic I used (and will go to next month), is called AKESO in Athens. For me it is perfect, it is a fairly small private clinic run by a very experienced Dr who has been in Gynecology/Fertility etc for over 30 years in the UK and Greece. You deal with him directly and it is a very personlised service. I do not think there is any upper age limit, I know he just treated my friend who is 45 with her OE.

I also do not think I would do DE now I have my son through OE, I think if I exhaust all my OE attempts then I will be happy to have my wonderful son.

I would definitely recommend you look into treatment abroad, I just think here in the UK you over pay for IVF and the treatment standard that you receive is also not at the level of some of the (much cheaper) clinics abroad.

I am still hopeful that I will get lucky again this (or next) time around. With the first round I only had three eggs that were good enough to use (out of  but I still had my lovely little boy, so you only need one good egg!


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## AuroraAngel

Hi ladies, 

sorry for delay in replying, have had some internet probs.

Thanks for your really helpful insights, It's helped my thinking a lot.

Deblovescats - How amazing that you have your two little ones from the same donor and 2 possible chances still.  I wish you all the luck with your two embryos when the time comes. 

Mummybarcelona you made some really interesting points thanks! My sister and I don't have an amazing relationship, but it's ok.  We're not best of friends or anything, but we don't hate each other.  However, I do know that when the crunch came and I needed something she'd be there.

We spoke to Barcelona IVF before we had our son and I quite liked them but we decided to stay in the uk. That was several years ago now though, so will have another look.  Also, I love Barcelona!

I am reading more about mini/less medicated rounds perhaps being better in age.  I just assumed the more drugs the better for me as I'm a poor responder, but am beginning to realise that might not be the case and need to do some more research on it.

Sparrow, thanks for the clinic info.  Like you my gut says to exhaust my OE options first, but I am going to look into everything more first before I decide.  Hope you get lucky too

Thanks so much to you all x


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## ruby100

Hi 
I realise this is an old thread- how is everyone getting on?

I’ve just turned 41 and have one daughter who’s 6 months. I have had one failed cycle since having her. I just went for a ‘fertility MOT’ and was surprised that my AMH is 15.5 and my AFC is 20! They gave me 15-20% chance for a live birth per cycle so I’ve decided to go again! Wish me luck!

Ruby x


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## Ms G

Hi Ruby,

Thought I’d say hi and good luck. 

We’re in a similar situation. I’ll be 41 next week. Eek - not sure how that happened. 

My daughter will be one in Feb. I would love a second child. I always wanted more than one but now I want it for her as well as for me. However, we’ve decided no more treatment. We’re trying naturally. Not sure I really expect success but for the moment it feels like the right path. 

When do you begin treatment? Are you still on maternity leave?

Ms G. x


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## AuroraAngel

Hi Ruby,  that's great news, sounds like you're in a relatively positive position, or at least as positive as can be in this fertility journey.  I wish you the best of luck.

Mrs G, good luck too.  You never know what will happen.  I do know of several ladies on a ** group i'm on for my clinic who have conceived naturally with their 2nd child.  It's not going to happen for many of us and sometimes I find that frustrating (although also happy for them), but hopefully you may be one of the lucky ones.

We went ahead and had a failed transfer and then were due to go again in Sept, but had a family bereavement so had to postpone, but are going again soon.  I'm not holding out much hope, but do feel I want to give it one last try. 

best of luck to you all
Aurora


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## onolyn

20% is a good chance, good luck to you, Ruby!


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## nevertoolate

hi, good luck to you Ruby good percentage there...

my story is i have a DS after donor treatment and have one embryo in storage. i am now late 40's so am weighting up a lot of options for going for a sibling for him and time is not on my side. i am completely 50/50 at the moment.

I feel very blessed to have my little boy and as i am a single parent without support, my heart and my head are at war at the moment with how i feel about it all.
as an older mum i would like to give my son a sibling but as above so many people have told me they dont get on with their sibling but obviously if they do that would be a wonderful relationship for them in the future. I dont want to regret not going for it down the line but realise both emotionally and financially it just might be too much.


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## pookiepoo

Hello
I also just turned 41 and have a 3.5 year old daughter. We are doing a medicated FET in Feb. 
Though we have 8 embryos in the freezer I feel like this is the last time for us trying. 
I would like my daughter to have a sibling, but if she doesn’t hey. She just have to be a nice person amnd make lots of friends 
Seriously/ I already feel my 41 year old body is much older than the 37 year old who got pregnant with my daughter. Also- we need to think about the financial restrains we are putting on ourselves and our daughter. Is she really going to thank us if we emptied her bank account just so she could have a sibling? 
I know it sounds harsh, but I want to enjoy my life and if we continue this cycle for more than this year I don’t think I can enjoy the wonderful time wiyh my little blessing.

The infertility and miscarriage journey has already hurt me so much and most of my 30s I remember with heart ache. 

Anyway- let’s see how this one goes. 
All the best to those trying


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## nevertoolate

thanks pany that has given me a lot to think about. your energy levels do reduce as you get older and i have to be realistic. i also realise that you only live once and i guess its about coming to peace with only having one child. at the moment two on my own would both be financially and emotionally draining and like you said would my existing child thank me for all that....

on the flip side being older has made me think about my childs future and if having a sibling would live that special person and relationship in his life after i have gone. i dont want him to be alone in the word either. its a tough choice and one i have to be happy to live with for the rest of my life


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## HopefulKayte

Every way of looking at it is fair and reasonable, as well as emotional and challenging to come to terms with. Some very heartfelt and lovely advice given to you here both ways.
I can’t relate to being a single mom and my hat goes off to you with all you have to handle and manage. I know I would have pursued the same path but no one really understands what it’s like unless they walk the same road.
I had my son via IVF at 34 and wasn’t able to have another child via OE and DE (almost constant cycling) for the rest of my 30s. At this point we assumed DS would be an only child, and financially (none of those cycles covered) and logistically (very hard for me to work and be seen as a stable employee when cycling in my chosen field) it would have more than made sense. I wasn’t really happy with this outcome and a very stressed DH thought it was healthiest.
In time when we learned about the option and cost of donor embryos we made the choice to open the door and go for 3 rounds. Some very pivotal things had happened to me throughout my experiences that made me want to fight for a way to give my son a sibling. 1) at a certain point he was old enough to articulate how much he wanted a sibling like his cousins and friends. This wasn’t just a phase; he has always been very drawn to younger children and had a doll he cared for for 2 straight years without fail or moving onto another toy. He loved when others’ younger sibs would visit but afterwards he would be melancholy and have a lot of questions that broke my heart. At this point it wasn’t about my original hopes for a family, it was about him. 2) we faced major disappointment in our families the way they handled our decade of infertility, loss, suffering, job stress, etc. Intelligent and financially comfortable people who didn’t have the capacity to be there for us in any way even when we approached them and said we needed help and understanding. I often hear people say, “well, they will have cousins and friends.” We believe in acting differently as family members and friends, and I did not feel comfortable relying on avoidant family members and the likely emotionally stunted and uncomfortable children they will raise, to be there for my son. 3) despite a ton of debt, DH and I are fortunate to have stable jobs and (once cycling days are behind us) ones that otherwise would comfortably afford another child. We may never retire, but we had a lot of time both on our own and together before kids, so we are okay with this.
A couple months after I turned 40, my third attempt at donor embryos has appeared to take and we are approaching the third trimester. 
Pursuing this has definitely changed our lives, relationships, my health, the way I see people and the world. There has been a lot of damage, and some of this has been a motivator for us as we pressed forward with our last option.
At a certain point, I know I couldn’t have done all this on my own - logistically, mentally, financially. However if I was 40+ and had frosties or better OE results, I think I would have tried until I felt the universe telling me it was not right for me, my body, or my child, if it was ultimately taking away from my current family and our future.
I think you will know when you get there. This is a very hard journey without support - weighing the path of least regret with what is ultimately best for you two. DH would remind me that we were already an amazing family with a beautiful child, if he were to be an only. And had the last round of donor embryo not worked, I knew it would be time to heal and move forward, seek supports, and not take any more time and money away from our son. I’m sure the love you give your child is the greatest gift of all.


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## nevertoolate

thank you hopefulkayte for your wonderful reply. i have had a lot of extremely sad times in this journey which i will not go into. i still cry when i think of the time i may not have with my son. i have wrestled so much with the concept of donor and the whole dna aspect of it all and  now he is here he is my world and i would not change him. i have sacrificed myself so much for him and i would do it all over again for his happiness and wellbeing. i guess that is what a mother is... so i almost feel as a person who is completely alone without support the question i ask now is that for me i was fine with the pregnancy. its just making that decision to get pregnant knowing i have no support. i was with my ex when i got pregnant with my son. he is not in the picture another story. i feel can i take the pressure of handling a small child and a baby alone and the practical things that my friends have help with. travelling, bathing etc. silly but much harder on your own. i can manage ok with one but just also think it might be hard now but as my children got older they could have each other to love. my practical head says no are you crazy ... and my heart says yes and i have not go the luxury of too much time to think about it. I'm sure that is a decision that a lot of ladies have on here and i am just one of them but that is my experience;  we are heroes all of us for staying strong through our journeys it is not for the faint hearted...xx


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## nevertoolate

also what is very interesting to me is i have a lot of friends who are younger than me and couples who are in their 30's and 40's who have no fertility issues but are choosing to have just the one child to give that child more time and things financially which is very interesting to me. i think it depends on the family support as well. i also have friends who have chosen not to have children and are very comfortable with that decision so i realise a lot of families make different decisions abut who is right for them and their financial setup.


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## HopefulKayte

That is very interesting. And so nice to see a variety of families and sizes. I’m from Canada and when I met a few ladies overseas they also shared that their child being an only wasn’t out of the norm, and this made them feel better about current or future cycles not working out. I couldn’t relate to the 1 child family as it’s definitely out of the norm in my mid-sized city suburban neighbourhood. DS is in his second year of school and both years has been the only only out of 25ish kids (except for one boy last year who was just turning 4 and whose father unfortunately left the family before they had a second.) 

I think it would have been easier for me and my son had there been anyone we knew or reflected in our neighbourhood, who had one child. I think I put extra pressure on myself because it seemed regardless of what other people experience privately, they all had families of 2-4 children close in age. Especially with our son wanting a sibling so desperately. If I had a friend who had made the decision to have 1 child or who was struggling with infertility, I think I would have felt a support system and like it was another typical family type or decision. That we could go through that together and involve our kids together so they had experience with a similar family type. And that would be such a healthy and positive thing, for a variety of family sizes to be present. 

But people around here don’t seem to desire one child, or have the serious, time-consuming type of issues we did in finding a way to build our family. And I admit I fell victim to the panic of a decade of infertility and loss, and felt so hugely isolated. So definitely not having other one-child families reflected around me was a huge contributor to my feelings. (Or having a support network of people who were responsive and empathetic to this... despite their own beloved children and ease of having them!) 

I met a wonderful woman at my last overseas FET whom I really admired. She was from the UK and in her early 40s. She had a three year old and had just started thinking about transferring her frostie. It made me think of how I hadn’t felt that security and calm when my son was 1, or 2, or 3. Everyone I know had at least another kid by then, and as an infertility patient, I knew there was a rush to see if I could find another golden age. She spoke of how wonderful and stressfree those 3+ years had been, how they hadn’t felt a rush to move forward. They had friends without kids and friends with 1 kid at their age. She felt they had already won the lottery and another kid would be a bonus but if not, they would be totally fine. I really admired her, how happy and content they were. How they had spent those years. 

I think her environment definitely contributed to her sense of ease and normalcy, but she also showed me that if my last cycle hadn’t (hopefully) panned out, my son was enough and by focusing on him, I could get through the cards dealt.


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## nevertoolate

i think for me even though i had my child in my 40's i feel i would have to sort of explain in society what my setup is. I know that sounds crazy and one should not give a damm what other people think but for example i have not spoken about ivf in work etc as the atmosphere is not very supportive. my story to date is that i have one child with my ex which is a sadly more increasingly common thing. however i am mindful that if i got for my own fet then this lets the cat out of the bag as i am not with anyone and questions will be coming my way. i guess i could still just not discuss it... but i think there are some many complex things to consider as an older parent. i still feel proud to have come through the challenges to finally become a mother even if it is not the route i would have chosen for myself.
i think peer groups are very important but i have even heard that if the trend is one or two, i assume its only a matter of time before people younger than us decide maybe not to have any at all. maybe our setup with one will be the total norm in years to come. i guess its all down to how you feel yourself, and of course your are doing it for your child which is why i am considering another one even though i am scared of how i will cope...


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## nevertoolate

best of luck to you whatever happens xxx


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