# How can i look so normal on the outside when inside i'm such a mess??!!



## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi guys,

I just had to write this down because sometimes i feel like I'm going mad!  

Sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i simply can't understand how i look so normal and 'regular' on the outside and yet inside i am such a weirdo! I'm 29 with the gynaecological system of a 55 year old (early menopause)! How does that happen? Why am i infertile....?

My mum called earlier and said my cousin is having a baby.....i think it has just got me going on the 'why can everyone have babies apart from me?' thing     WHY NOT ME??

I just feel so low sometimes, and i try so, so, so hard for it not to bother me, i keep telling myself that i don't need to have a baby to be happy and i can live happily childfree but at the most unexpected times i just start crying about it all again. 

I hope i feel better soon.....3 years later and sometimes things feel as raw as the day of diagnosis.

Sorry this is a bit of a rambling random message but i just wondered if anyone else felt as freaky as me? 

Luv
Florie xx


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## Georgey (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi Florie, 

I know how you feel . Everybody expects you to carry on as normal when inside you just feel like shouting 'I dont want to carry on as if there is nothing wrong ,cos thats what everyone expects.I feel like my whole insides are being pulled out and I am going through this on my own!!!!.' 

I find it difficult to ever imagine getting over this  although I have had problems since I have been 18, I have had 1 natural eptopic which resulted in my tube being taken out, 1 miscarriage ( IVF-and my other tube being taken out) and 2 other attempts at IVF both BFN ( and my husband has decided he doesnt want to do anymore and neither does he want to go down the adoption route, he already has 4 childen , 1 already has a baby, the other one is expecting this year and the other two are younger.)I just feel like I want to run away to somewhere where no one knows my history .Where nobody looks at you and gives the pity look , or worries that you are going to run away with their babies , or maybe you should have time with their baby because you will never have your own and it feels like they are doing you a huge favour. I have been through it and felt it all and just have to smile and carry on and keep getting up every morning and breathing because thats what everyone expects you to do.

Well maybe its time to break the cycle, to stop takin all the responsability and doing what everyone expects you to do and trying to keep everyone happy and being continually relied on. I think this is going to be my only way to survive and pull through this and carry on. I dont know!!!

Sorry about the rant , I know our circumstances are totally different, but I just want to let you know you are not alone in felling that you are going to go MAD 

 X X X X  X


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hello Florie - I think you and I have spoken on a diff thread - so i could not just read and run. First I am so sorry you feel like this - I know that nothing I can say can make you feel better, but you are most def not "freaky" - quite the opposite. Hearing about yet another pg is hard - esp as in your age group everyone seems to be pg and it is just one endless stream of pg and birth announcements. I remember crying for days every time one of those came through - now at the age of nearly 42, it is the grandparent announcements. You have had to be so brave dealing with the aftermath of your diagnosis - be kind to yourself, because not many other people will "get" how truly devastating such news is.

Of course you are going to feel "why not you" - IF is so unfair - and it's consequences reach into every aspect of your life - it is with you every day and not a day goes past when there is not something that does not remind you. Suddenly children seem to be everywhere, everywhere you look there are pg women, every advert seems to be full of children - everything is about happy smiling families and all you want is belong to that "club" that is denied to you through no fault of your own! aaagggghhhhhhhh! 

For me it affected my friendships the most - I cut myself off from those who were procreating with no problems - now my friendship "pool" is further diminishing because I just never thought I would get to this point and I do feel bitter.

You say that after 3 years you hoped not to have triggers - I do too, but I know that these will always be with me. Your Mum told you about your cousin, and that was another trigger for you. I have told my parents and family not to tell me about pgs in the family/friends - I just cannot take it right now. If they start to tell me about some "miracle story" of someone getting pg after 18 mcs (recent article in paper) I shut them down and say "that's them, this is me, it has no relevance". It may sound harsh but you have to "self protect" - my Mum had two children by the age of 22, came from a family of 11, and really has no idea what IF feels like - she tries to help, but truly has no idea really. I don't think that you have the slightest inkling unless you have been there, and so to add to everything else you have to deal with, you feel lonely, singled out, and have very few/no peer references.

I know that everyone tells us that we must find some other path in life - the trouble is that if you are like me, a real "home body", who does not get their "kicks" from exotic hols, new cars, material things, then it is so easy to think "what is the point?.. of working so hard, etc etc??". For me it is is not about needing a baby to be happy, just that the last 12 years of my life have been spent dealing with monthly disappointments, embryonic losses, pre natal loss, mc and everything in between, and frankly it is tiring. 

I expect you feel the same - tired, weary.

Sorry for the long post - i just wanted you to know you are not alone and although I have not suffered from prem menopause, i just wanted you to know you are not alone and I do empathise. 
Nbr68xxx


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## Kazzz (Feb 20, 2008)

Florie -    . I know we've spoken and i will be back to post. 
Kazzz


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi guys

Thank you all for your kind words   it is nice to have reassurance that I'm not the only person who feels like this. After i posted last night i thought i sounded really selfish. 

I'm still feeling pretty low today. Nbr, we have spoken before and I'm so sorry to hear about your losses, i cannot imagine how you feel or how strong you have been, you're right there is always an announcement about a birth at my age. Last time i had to go to a christening i just got really drunk to get through it  !! I think my mum is always in two minds about telling me but i guess she felt she had to as it is in the family. I was reading your words and it struck me that i really don't talk about how I'm feeling these days to anyone..... not to friends or family. I think i just carry it all around in my heart and live with it. Perhaps i need to return to counselling. I just know if i sit and talk about it i will cry. And people just don't know what to say, so they say unhelpful things....there is always an urban myth about someone who had "my diagnosis" and managed to get pregnant   highly unlikely! Or they say why don't you try DE IVF again or adopt. But they just don't understand it won't be MY child....it wouldn't have my genes or be a mini me. Sorry I'm off again lol!...I also found the whole IVF process so incredibly stressful and soul destroying.


Georgey thank you for getting in touch. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences, it must be really hard  . You have done so well to keep strong. I'm sorry your DP doesn't want to pursue any more treatment. I think you are right on really low days all we can do is get up and keep breathing....it gets us through until we feel better. In terms of what you said about changing things and doing something different i have taken more control of my life recently in a vocational sense. I was studying to be a nurse and it was making me Soooo miserable so i went against everyones advice to 'stick it out' and have left. I am new going to do something that i enjoy (not sure what yet!) I reckon I've had enough misery lately without adding to it with a profession i hate!

You're right Nbr, i feel tired.....very, very tired. Things got so bad before Christmas that i went to my doctors and ended up on an anti depressant for anxiety. I think they help a bit but i know they aren't a cure.

Thank you again for all your support.....you're all fab      

Luv
Florie xx


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hi Florie,
I know exactly how you feel hun.....I am going through similar feelings.
Its 10 weeks since my Hysterectomy, and I came back home 2 weeks ago after recovering at mums and DP.... I struggled with that to start with, the lonliness and the thoughts that run through my mind are just awful, I feel so low and unhappy with myself.  
I started back at work yesterday, on a "as and when" basis; I managed 10- 3.30 yesterday and 10-3 today as my tummy swells up like a balloon after sitting at my desk and walking about too much.
I thought Id dealt with the emotional side of it quite well, but am finding that as ppl at work realise Im back they are coming to see me and are all asking how I am... Im trying so hard to smile and say "fine" but inside Im crying, wanting to scream and tell them I AM  NOT ALRIGHT, I hate  my body, I hate looking in the mirror and basically hate everything.  
I know I have a great future with DP (well, i think so , havent spoken to him for 2 days....   ) but at the moment i feel so lonely and isolated.
A girl out of my office had a baby 4 weeks ago, and she came in today - I smiled through the pain of the thoughts of never being able to hold my own baby ever, God only knows how I kept it together.
Im now sat in my house all alone, thoughts of fetching a bottle of wine are overpowering me...I cant show my DP and mum that Im devastated inside , they have helped me through the last ten painful weeks and dont want to put on them anymore.
I dont know how to go on with these thoughts, I really thought I was doing ok, but during these lonely moments, Im obviously not....I spent the first 8 weeks with people around me and am struggling with the lonly days and the thoughts that creep into my mind  
So...you definately are not alone hun, I think we try to put a brave face on our problems but they will always catch up with us unless we deal with them  
Take care Florie, and my thoughts are with you too Nbr, I read your posts and cry for you xxxx
Karen
xxxx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Hi Karen

Thank you for your message.....great minds think alike and I'm afraid i have given in to the temptation of a bottle of wine tonight. I never drink in the week usually but i thought it might cheer me up (totally misguided i know) or perhaps drown a few sorrows.....i can hope!  

I'm sorry you are finding things so difficult and lonely since you came back from your mum's. You mustn't be too hard on yourself, you have had major, life changing surgery! Take time and take care of yourself     Reach out to your mum and DP I'm sure they want to support you.

I agree that when we are alone it seems the sad feelings creep up on us. Because i recently left uni i am at home all day while DP is at work. I have a lot of time to think about things!
I know how you feel about hating your body....i hate my pelvis!! It is such a let down!

I decided i needed to do something positive today and i decided to join the organisation 'More to Life' in a vain attempt to meet people in a similar situation to me, although I'm not sure how many young people are members. I'm still trying hard to live child free.....hopefully I'll get there one day..... fingers crossed eh??!!

Thanks for your support, it really is appreciated  
Luv
Florie xxx


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Well Cheers hun - i went to the local shop,wearing leggings, boots, pyjama top and big coat...then it was 2 for a tenner so bargain!!!!  

I decided the other week to do something positive, but its going to take a lot longer than I thought to sort it out - There is a little girl in a village near me who wa diagnosed with brain cancer at 8 months that was inoperable...Liberty Rose, she has a twin sister Destiny. She had Chemo and miraculously the other week, went for tests and the tumour is gone... I decided to try a sponsored swim some time this year, then me and DP turned it into a triathlon - he is going to run 10k, I will swim 1500m and we will both cycle 26km..... but with my recovery a bit slower and me not wanting to hurt myself by pushing too hard, it may be next year - but I WILL DO IT!!!
I will look at the More to Life organisiation - sounds interesting....
Anyway. Glass is wanting a refill already...take care hun and chat soon.  
xxxxx
Karen
xxx


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## florie (Nov 28, 2006)

Wow Karen that sounds amazing   you have a big heart   

Cheers, enjoy your drink   i'm always here if you want to chat

Florie xx


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## Kazzz (Feb 20, 2008)

Florie  

I think you were so brave going to a christening, i have not gone to so many, and ended up in tears at others. 
I have such admiration for the nursing profession, good luck with your studying.

I agree with Karen, we do all put a brave face on, and the only person it doesn't help is ourselves. I think talking to someone would be a good idea.

The wine is NOT a good idea - believe me i've done it.

 
K


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