# Feelings of guilt - anyone else the same?



## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

I have been doubting my decision to go it alone as you may have read on my previous post. I really want to become a mum and have a baby and think I'd manage fine on my own. I have always been independent and don't like to rely on other people for anything. Obviously I need some help getting pregnant in the form of a donor but I can't help feeling guilty that I am being selfish and depriving my child of a father because I want to be a mum! Am I being selfish for wanting to be a mum and going down this route which means my child will be brought up by a single parent? I was brought up by my mum and dad and they are still together now after more than 30 years together. I love my dad to bits and don't know what I'd do without him and I keep thinking my child will never have that they will only have me. I could go for a donor who wants to coparent but that's not what I want and one of the reasons I ended my relationship because I didn't want to be stuck with someone for the rest of my life because we have a child together. Ok I wouldn't actually be in a relationship with them but I'd still have to have contact with them to discuss the child and I don't want that. As I said I've always been independent and I don't want anyone else involved I will have my family to help out and that is all I need. I just can't help feeling guilty that my child won't know where they came from and that is because of me I am depriving them of a father. I keep going over it in my head and I know that I really want this and it is something I have to do but I think I will always feel guilty. On a good day I think to the future and imagine me and my baby living happily ever after getiing what I've always wanted. On a bad day I think it probably won't work for me and that will be me getting paid back for being selfish!

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you get past the guilt?


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I definitely felt this way in the beginning.  I personally believe my feelings were very influenced by what I had read/heard in the media though.  My situation was a bit different as I was told I HAD to have kids as my fertility was declining rapidly but I think the end product is the same.  

I personally believe there are loads of 2 parent families out there who are not nearly as good of parents as I am as a single mother.  I have a good income stream, investments, a great local circle of dependable friends, male and female role models and my own self esteem.  I could not be in a better place in life to raise a child.  If there is such a thing as the "right" place to have a child.
I think we have argued on other threads that having children is selfish biologically no matter if you are in a couple or not.  We are SUPPOSED to breed.  In my case I didn't have a partner (not for lack of trying) and I ran out of time.  

On the guilt I totally understand I have parents that have been together for 20 years.  (My mother died when I was 15 and they were together for 20 years before that)  My aunt and uncle just celebrated 50 years together.  I know MOST single mothers by choice have tried to meet the right person and it has not worked out.  I personally believe that if a person has the financial and emotional capability to love and nurture a child then they can do this if in a couple or on their own.  I personally chose an open ID donor so that my daughter can meet her donor when she is 18 for just the reason you said.  I also can't guarantee that I will not meet someone that my daughter will call Daddy in the near to mid future.  I just know she has a mother who loves her more than life itself, a donor who gifted her with life and she has a Heavenly Father who loves her more than all of us!

Dawn


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm just struggling with my emotions at the moment I really really want this to work and for my dreams to come true its just the more I think about a donor the more guilty I feel. I guess I just need to accept that this is the price I am going to have to pay to get what I want and something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. It is selfish of me to choose to be a single parent and deprive my child of a father but I suppose that is better than 2 miserable parents staying together for the sake of a child. I've tried talking to a friend about this but she doesn't approve as she's worried how it will affect me if it doesn't work out and said to me "you can't just buy a baby, its a waste of money, that sort of thing is for couples who have problems conceiving naturally" so needless to say that was the end of that conversation! She means well and is only concerned for me I just feel she has no right to comment as she doesn't know what its like. She has just had a baby, she is in a relationship but I wouldn't say its perfect because by the sounds of it she practically is a single parent herself as her OH doesn't help with much! I just wish she'd be more supportive so I could talk to her. We've been friends for 10 years and been through a lot together I hope she comes round to the idea. 

My other problem is work. Apart from hating the place and people, I haven't told any of them I'm single again because I'm planning to let them think that we 'break up' after I (hopefully) get pregnant so I can avoid any awkward who is the dad questions. This is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed I just don't think any of these people have a right to know anything about my private life because its none of their business and some of them are really nosey! This is making things hard for me at work because I keep getting asked if I'm any further forward with wedding plans etc which is hard to keep up the pretence but got to be done so that I can keep my decision to become a single mum private. 

I don't make things easy for myself so basically I'm guilt ridden about lack of father, stressed at work with wedding questions and in general as I hate my job and my best friend doesn't understand. I wish I had someone to talk to I desperately need support. Being on here helps because I can see there are other people out there who have made the same decision as me. I just hope and pray I get a baby at the end of it and don't end up in debt with nothing to show for it.


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Ok, this is probably going to be a controversial post but....

twinklets, you do have age on your side. Whilst I totally understand you don't want to raise a child with someone you don't love/want in your life forever you still have a very high chance of meeting someone who you do love and want to raise a child with together, before your fertility really becomes a pressing issue. Perhaps you'd feel better with the decision of going alone (and "depriving" your child of a father) if you gave it a few more years to see if you might meet a partner to do this with?

I do understand being an independent person...I am one myself and am perfectly happy being a single parent. But I had been single for 7 years before I made this decision, so I knew that it was highly unlikely that I was going to meet a partner any time soon. And whilst I was still in my 30's rather than my 40's...and therefore had more time on my side to potential meet someone, I felt that I'd waited long enough.

I don't want to sound unsupportive, and if this is your decision to go it alone at just 27 then that's totally yours to make. But if I were in your shoes I would have wanted to give myself the best chance to find someone to raise a child with. At 27 you could still wait 3-5 years and not be risking your fertility that much. If given the choice most of us would have wanted to raise a child with a partner rather that by ourselves, but time wasn't on everyone's side. It might just be worth considering?

And if in 3-5 years you still haven't met the right person you might find you don't feel so guilty about using a donor and having a fatherless child?


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Caramac - I don't think you're being controversial hun, you're making really valid points. The only thing I'd suggest if Twinklets does follow your suggestions, would be for Twinklets to get a fertility health check done with a clinic first (basic FSH, LH, AMH tests). For most women it's in their mid thirties onwards that their fertility starts to decline more rapidly, but for a small % of ladies it can be much earlier, and it's better to have an understanding of your fertility health before you decide to go ahead with treatment or postpone for a few years.

Rose xx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

It is such a hard descion and I think it's easy for it to seem easy for everyone else to seem like they have it sorted in there head but once you have made the descion if you decide to go it alone it will sit comfortably as you will have decided - I personally found this website after I'd started tx but I started thinking about it aged 30 and started tx at 35 having spent 5 years trying and failing to meet me right - wouldn't recommend leaving that long! But you need to take your time to make your mind up- have you read any books on the subject. It seems to me that alot of your concerns are natural and we've all thought them - for each one there is an argument for and against that's equally valid. 

re work colleagues - I never got asked about father by most! But bear in mind you need to be able to be proud of the descion in order to bring your child up to have good self esteem about there origins - well in my opinion anyway. I still struggle with the thought that i was not genetically meant to reproduce as I must be unattractive to men but then I watch Jeremy Kyle and realise that natures floored in that way!

One of the reason it's hard to decide is - noone ever asks couples to consider whether to have a child this much !!!


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks for the advice I know I am still young plenty of time to meet someone but as selfish as it sounds I don't want to wait. I've waited long enough on Mr Right because I didn't think I had any other options but now I've found an option I just need to deal with my issues and get on with it. I think my clinic does offer counselling so I might give it a go although its not really my thing. Its not an easy thing to do and not everyone will understand my reasons or approve but its my life. I just want a baby so much.


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## Banana77 (Dec 12, 2011)

Hey Twinklets, I know exactly how you feel. My family is really old fashioned there have never been any divorces or children out of wedlock. I always assumed I'd get married and have kids, it didn't cross my mind for a minute that I'd be single at 34 let alone single with potential fertility problems. I too have been asking myself if I am being selfish, how will I broach the subject with my family, what will I tell my future child? 

I am still in the confused stages I guess, but I have had a counselling session at my fertility clinic which helped and I am booked on a workshop with the Donor Conception Network - Preparing for donor assisted parenthood, which I hope will help me to resolve some of these issues and come to a decision.  

I think Rose39 is right I think there is almost a grieving process to go through when deciding on this path. I have been feeling rather sorry for myself at times and jealous even seeing friends celebrate wedding anniversaries and the birth of their second or third child. It all Just adds to the pressure. 

There are just so many decisions to make. Should I wait and see if I meet the man of my dreams? Should I go straight to IVF or try IUI first? If I have IVF should I put the embryos on ice or try for a baby straight away? I wish I had a time machine so I could check each option out and choose the right one!!

It's not easy, but having access to a forum like this is amazing. I no longer feel so alone and helpless


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

I totally understand where you are coming from Banana I'd kind of be the odd one out being a single mum by choice with my family and friends and after the reaction I got when I told one of my friends I'm not planning on telling anyone else until/if I have any good news to share and then they can deal with it.

The thing is I don't want to be in a relationship I'd rather be a single mum as I think its going to be easier like Rose says having one set of parenting rules etc.  Although I'm under no illusions I know its not going to be easy but I believe I am better off on my own.  The only niggling thing at the back of my mind is that my child is going to grow up without a father.  Perhaps I will meet someone further down the line and end up as a family unit but at the moment all I want is a baby of my own.  Its all I've ever wanted and I thought I would have had a couple of mini me's running around by now.  I know I am young but I don't want to leave it any longer because the younger I am the more chance I have got of it being successful (I hope!)

Morrigan I know it probably sounds like I am ashamed of my decision by keeping up the pretence to work colleagues about my relationship but it is nothing like that.  I am a very private person and they are all nosey and always like to know your business.  I just feel this is my life and has nothing to do with them so its easier to say the relationship broke down than be subjected to twenty questions and then be judged.  Apart from anything else I hate my job and not too keen on the people there so they don't need to know anything about my person life.  I am very happy to tell my true friends and family when the time is right and explain my reasons and hopefully once they have got over the shock they will understand and be pleased for me because I know that despite everything they just want me to be happy and this is going to do just that providing it works!  It will be difficult coming out with it especially to my parents but I know they will support me no matter what I just wish I could talk to them just now.  Part of the reason I am not telling anyone, well apart from the reaction from my friend, is I don't want people knowing and then keep asking how its going, am I pregnant yet if nothing is happening.  I want to be able to tell them when I know things are happening and hopefully I will have a BFP!

I have found this website especially helpful to know that I am not the only one going through this and have people to talk to but all I seem to do is moan!  You will all be getting sick of me soon so I apologise in advance I tend to be negative about things and never believe anything good will happen because it never does but I am really trying to think positively about this in the hope that I do get the result I so desperately want.


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

twinkets - I hope you didn't mind my comment before about your age. This last post you have written could have been my own words this time two years ago when I first decided to go it alone - about how I didn't want a relationship but just wanted to be a mum by myself! I also think you're doing the right thing by not telling anyone about your plans...I do regret telling everyone my plans before I started as I did end up with them all asking me how it was going at every step of the way and before I got my BFP it was starting to get depressing not having any good news to tell them. I also had to share the news of my BFP with everyone literally as soon as I found out (when it still felt very fragile) because they knew what was going on. Whereas most couples wait until 12 weeks or so to share their news.

Also, my thoughts about what I wanted people to know/share about Jacob's conception changed over time. At first I didn't mind who knew. And many of my friends went off and told other people willy nilly. So now I don't know who knows and who doesn't! Once Jacob was here (and a real person rather than an imagined baby) I felt I wanted to tailor which and what people knew. Not because I was embarrassed, but just because it felt that it was his story now and not just mine. So it is definitely worth saying less rather than more whilst you make up your mind about what you want the world to know!

And back to your original question...the guilt about your child growing up without a father. Well, speaking from personal experience, for me the guilt is stronger now that Jacob is here than when I first set out to have him. But there is not a lot I can do about that now! I just hope that he won't resent me for it and will know that despite only having one parent he is loved more than anything. I think the guilt is there for most of us to some extent. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let that feeling put you off your plans if this is the route you've decided is right for you.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Twinklets,

Making a choice to become a single parent is a massive decision regardless of how the child is conceived, so it is a decision you have to be 100 % with.  Have you thought about what if something happened to you?  Who would look after your child?  Please, please do not take this as a negative comment, but it was just a comment from a girl who was a single parent who was worried about it on my birth board.  Her boyfriend had left her and she had no real close friends and had nothing to do with her family and this was something that really used to cause her great distress.

I have to agree, you are so young to be going down this route and you have so much time to meet someone. If you were 37 yrs old then I could totally understand it.  I also feel the fact that you are keeping up this pretence at work of still being in a happy relationship  a bit odd.  In this day and age people very rarely judge single mothers, so you don't have to go in to any ins and outs of what happens in your life and if people talk then let them talk.  They will soon get bored and then move on to someone or something else.

I to always wanted a child and after coming out of a   relationship 3 months before my 30th birthday decided that if I hadn't met anyone within the year then I would look in to a sperm donor.  I ended up meeting my DH 2 months later and as they say the rest is history.    

When you make a decision like this then you will always come up against people who don't agree with you, but unfortunately that is life.  I have lesbian neighbours who have a daughter from IUI and they are wonderful parents and seem a really happy family unit.  However they have said that they do get negative comments at times, but you just have to learn how to deal with them.

I remember how much hard work it was when I had my son and used to take my hat of to single mothers, I honestly don't know how they do it.  

Remember to that you may meet someone at some point who will be a fantastic father figure to your LO, so just because there is no one in your life now, doesn't mean it will always be like that.

Good luck on your journey.
Stacey
x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Sorry - just my tuppence worth on this - I guess I've been living with the consequences of going it alone for quite some years now and, for me at least, feel very comfortable with my decision.  I also grew up in a single parent family, and in a wider family where single parents were and are pretty common, so though I have a reasonably strong relationship with my father now, he certainly wasn't on the scene for most of my childhood and it wasn't a big deal.  A very different childhood then from anyone who grew up in a traditional family structure where mum and dad's relationship was strong.  Hand on heart, I feel no guilt that my kids don't have a dad - maybe this is because I never had one around myself and don't "know" what I was missing?    Just this morning I had to explain to my 6 year old son why his best mate's mum and dad no longer live together, and why the little guy stays part of the week with mum and part with dad.  At the end of the conversation, my son simply said he was glad he had me and didn't have to live somewhere else every couple of days.    Now, I'm sure this may change over time and I may be in for some far tougher conversations as he and his sisters grow older.  However, I have also witnessed some of the so-called relationships of some of his classmates' parents over the past 18 months and it makes me so sad to realise that these kids are growing up with the experience that these are "normal".  There are of course some fantastic relationships also on display around us - and those are the ones I'd encourage my kids to try and re-enact when they grow up - but not to stay in difficult relationships because of the kids, financial implications or to stay within societal or familial norms.  

On the telling side of things, each to their own - everyone is different, has a different idea of what is private and who needs to know.  I represent one extreme of the spectrum and will talk about how my kids were conceived openly and in front of my kids.  I have written at length elsewhere about explaining the difference between secret and private to children - concepts that my 6 year old still understands imperfectly.  If you choose not to tell your children how they were conceived, clearly this problem doesn't arise, but if you do tell and do see this as private information, you really do run the risk of your child blurting this information to anyone and everyone, placing you in an awkward predicament.  Again, not an issue for babies, but babies grow into toddlers and then school children....

Good luck with your decision making in any case.   

A-Mx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I'd def echoe what caramac said about telling during tx i stupidly only realised that as i had always texted my friends when i got a BFN when i didnt text them it was clear that it had worked and therefore i couldnt get used to the idea myself first Doh ! I was glad that i had told my family first as it was for me easyier to deal with before hand so by the time i did get pregnant it was as normal news for them than as if a couple announced the news. When i announced it on ** i has one comment along the lines of im missing something and i just said probably. Its said about your friends reactions but I would say if you can find a friend that will be supportive it could be very handy to have someone to talk to during tx. We are all here virtually though !

I hope i didnt come across as having ago about the being proud comment but it was a journey i had to go through myself- tbh work colleagues never asked anything when i announced i was pregnant apart from a nosey PA who asked me if my husband was pleased and when i said im on my own followed it up with oh well i cant use my list of questions i had now ¬  she never came up with a new list and just repeated the annoying ones such as hows the baby ! I personally never thought id rather do this alone but if i had to choose bewtween a relationship or children then children win every day.

I would also say that alot of people that arent single and havnt been for a long while dont have a concept of how hard life is when your alone with or without a baby so they compare there life to having a child alone and not your life- sad fact is doing everything alone is tough what ever your up to.


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I actually look at things in a slightly different way which may or may not help, but here's my angle:

My Dad and I were very close, I was and still am a complete Daddy's girl, but when he passed away last year it made me realise that I adored him not because he was my father but because he was such an amazing guy. My mum and I have had a very turbulent relationship, and my parents divorced when I was 14 and I was heartbroken by it because my Dad had to move out and for a number of years I didn't get to see him as much as I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love my mum too but I was always a lot closer to my Dad.

Yes, I have an amazing relationship with my Dad but it has nothing to do with him being related to me, and my child[ren] will form their own close relationships with other family members or close family friends. My ex, for example, would not have been a very good father and a child of ours wouldn't have gained anything by having him as their father (it sounds cruel but I promise it's just as it is).

So many of my friends have fathers who they don't speak to, or have children whose fathers don't see them, so I don't feel that I'm taking anything away from my kids by not giving them a father. They


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

I know a lot of people will comment on my age and the fact that I'm quite young to be going it alone but I expect that.  I have given it a lot of thought over the last couple of years.  I initially decided to go it alone at 24 which was when I came to an arrangement with my gay friend but when that didn't work I found myself in a relationship.  It was great to begin with we both wanted children and everything was going well but eventually I realised I was only with him because I wanted a baby so I had to end it there as it wasn't fair to him.  So this is my third chance at becoming a mum, I went down the known donor route that was a disaster,  I tried out a relationship but realised that that wasn't what I wanted I was only there clinging onto hope that we'd have a baby but I didn't really want a baby with him because I didn't want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life whether in a relationship or just co-parenting.  I was deciding what to do next when I googled single parenting and stumbled across a clinic offering tx to single women and I knew that I had to give it a go.  I know I could wait and maybe Mr Right would appear but it has been 4 years since I first gave AI a go and I have been through a lot since then and feel that now is the right time to go for it.  I do feel guilty that my child won't know their father but I'm from a big family and they will not want for anything.  I guess over time I will learn to live with it.

Staceysm I have thought about guardians for my child and in the first instance it would be my parents with my brother and his partner as a back up so I have that sorted and will be one of the first things I will make official by doing a will when the time comes.  I am not pretending to be in a happy relationship at work I just haven't told people I am single.  I am a private person and prefer to keep my private life private so if I do get lucky enough to get pregnant I will be telling people at work I'm pregnant, single and be leaving it there.  At the moment its just easier to keep quiet about the break up to avoid questions later.  I'm not ashamed and will be proud to be a single mum providing for my child.  

Caramac and Morrigan I will definitely be keeping quiet about tx until I have some news to share because I couldn't cope with constant questions when I have nothing to report.  It just makes it all the harder going through this all alone and not having anyone to confide in.  That's why I tried to get my friend on board but that didn't go down too well so I'm back to being on my own.  I could try again with her but she has her own problems at the moment and would only end up worrying about me so I don't really want to add to her problems.  I just wish I could fast forward to next year and hopefully be well on the way to being a mum.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I think there so many different sides to this that it has to come down to what you are happy with.
When I first made the decision to go it alone I was totally happy with my decision, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to consider the role of a father. I had an amazing upbringing by 2 parents who are still very much in love and have been married for 35 years. My dad is fantastic, he'd do anything for me and my mum and brother and had a full role within my childhood, my mum has always said that she couldn't have asked for anymore in a man, and from everything I remember about my childhood, she is right. So, the thought of having a child who wouldn't experience that kind of father was really hard.

On the other side of it though, my child will have that man as a grandfather, and he will be perfect, as will my brother as an uncle, so for male role models, I know I am not lacking.

In my job as a teacher, I see so many kids from broken homes and complicated families, that it had made me reach the conclusion that happy, supportive, loving parents make the best parents - doesn't matter about the gender or number of parents. Some of the nicest, most polite, well mannered kids come from single parent families. I have seen just how messed up kids can be by having parents who are unhappy, shout, argue etc. All we can each do is out very best.

Some children have fathers who are barely around, have very little to do with their children and I would much rather do it on my own.

I am 31 this year, but decided when I was 25 that I would go it alone if I didn't meet anyone. I have been single for 7 years now, a few dates here and there but nothing more. I want to be a mum more than anything else in the world. I would like to be in a relationship. There's no way I can put what I want aside for something that I would like.
They're just my thoughts, and I am so pleased that I have made this decision and feel 100% happy with it.

S xx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

I would just echo what others have said about getting some support  beyond this website - I understand all the down-sides of telling too many people about ttc, but (and I hate to be negative!) it is really important to have support to help if you have any BFN or worse still a miscarriage.  You don't have to tell lots of people, but at least one in the "real" world would be my advice. 

When people say to me "I don't know how you do it", I just reply (and I truly believe this) that it is easier for me 'cos I don't have to worry about a husband who wants his meals cooked, clothes washed, "appetite" fulfilled    (which was a Godsend for the first 3 months after childbirth!!!) etc etc.

My parents have been married for 46 years and are very happy now, but the first 20 years were horrendous and I think that is far more damaging for a child than having one loving parent.   

Good luck
GIA Tooxx


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