# Family / Sibling Donors



## Squeak (May 19, 2004)

Has anyone heard or had experience of receiving donor eggs from a sister or sperm from a brother?

How did it work out?

Squeak


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## Ange K (Apr 22, 2004)

Hi Squeak

I received donor eggs from my step-sister. Everything was brilliant - we have a great relationship so we discussed everything upfront. We had to go for joint counselling to make sure we understood all the legal implications. Unfortunately the first 2 didn't implant but I've still got 6 embies in the freezer.

Love Ange x


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## Angie L (Jun 29, 2004)

hi Ange

I read your details and the looked very similar to my own so I thought I would get in touch - I am 37 just and have endo - we have had two cycle s of IVF with very low response both times - just one egg - I was at ARGC second time and Oxford the first time.  Since the last IVF I have found that my FSh shot up to 22.5 - has been as low as 4.0 in the same year so I really don't understand that  - how can it be so up and down? Anyway no idea if I am peri-menapausal - o nly symptom is that cycles can be very short just 24 days sometimes - longerst are normally 26 days - any way we are now thinking of donor eggs - would be good to hear what advice the medics have given you or reasons for the high fsh and whether it is worth doing anything about it.

Take care and goo dluck
Angie L


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## maplelodgeanie (Sep 30, 2004)

Hiya,

Sorry I don't have a lot to ad. We asked dh brother, but they live miles away and we couldn't discuss it with him and his wife. He went home and after a long talk they declined.

They said it was due to his ex being a cow re his first child (sad really as I am not her - plus the clinic forms ensure that dh has all responsibility) Also though they did not want the child to know.

Fear was, if child became ill and needed a biological parent to donate something - they would feel they'd have to come forward. They also felt the same IF something should ever happen to dh and I - they would end up raising the child.

She also felt very uncomfortable with him 'fathering' another child while with her. She said she could have coped if it was anonymous, but having to see the child she would never be able to get it out of her head that it was his.

I was really sad. I expected some of these would be issues, but if roles were reversed, I don't think I'd have minded. I would have coped and the joy of seeing them be parents would have been enough reward. We are all different though...so who knows how your family will react?

I wish you all the best of luck, as it was an option I would have relished - to keep the genetic link.

Andrea


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## helen 1 (Oct 29, 2004)

Hi All

I have just come across this thread and thought I would ask your opinion on doner eggs as I am feeling a little lost!

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may have to go down the egg doner route as everything seems to be working against me with regard to having my own.

My younger sister has kindly offered to donate her eggs to my dh and I which I am so grateful for. The only thing is I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel on this.  One part of me is delighted because at least any potential child will have a genetic link to me but the other side of me finds it difficult to foget that the child will be my sister and my husband.

I know I should be grateful that I have such a thoughtful sister and just pray that we are successful but I am wondering if I would be better opting for a stranger as a doner.

Does anybody else feel like this?

Luv

Helen


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## Debz (Jun 30, 2004)

Dear Helen,

This is such a personal issue.

I too have a younger sister who i love deeply, but no way would i ask her to donate her eggs to us. However i am fairly sure she would if we did ask.

If i try and imagine being lucky enough to be the Mummy i want to be it is the warmest feeling, as i am sure for us all.

My opinion might come across as selfish.
but if i had to use my sisters eggs to achieve this i know that i would feel that she was the real mummy and maybe, infact probably i would resent her for this out of pure jealousy. I love her too much to ever want these negative feelings.
And i would not want to pass on insecurities to my child.

As i said this is a personal issue, and i am sure their are lots of couples who would would love to use a siblings eggs.

Go with your gut instinct, It always works for me.

Good luck with your desision

Lots of love
Debz xxxxxxx


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## helen 1 (Oct 29, 2004)

Hi Debz

Thank you so much for responding to my note.  It was great to get your opinion on this. I guess this is just one of those questions where there is no perfect answer.  In an ideal world all of us desperatly want our own child and when faced with the choice of my sisters eggs or a strangers eggs I just don't know what to think or do.  On one side using my sisters eggs mean there is some hope I will see something of myself in our child but the downside is coming to terms with in a way my sister giving my husband the child when it should be me. I know my sister would always consider the child to be mine but I'm not sure at this point if I would. Like you I would not want anything to damage my relationship with her.

By using a stranger as a doner means I will never know or meet the doner but it will have nothing of me and you have no idea of genetic make up.

I know I should be grateful that I still have this option but it's hard to come to terms with.

I have not given up totally on having my own and will not give up until there are no more options.

Thanks again for your advise.  I truly hope everything works out for you and for all of us.

Love 

Helen


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## sweetcaroline (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi Helen,

Debz is right, it is such a personal issue but I thought I'd share my story (it's about sperm rather than eggs but the issue is the same!)  My DP was diagnosed with azoospermia in August and we approached his brother about being a donor.  He and his DW obviously had concerns but we had a long chat and then left them to decide, we didn't push for a decision on the spot.  In the meantime, however, we told DP's mum about it and she kept phoning, saying that she was worried about it causing a family rift and that it would be different if they had kids already (DP's SIL had a m/c about 18 months ago).  So we retracted the request;  the feeling we had is that they would have agreed to donate, but would have felt concerned.

I have mixed feelings about not having that option.  It would have stopped my 'fear of the unknown' and there would be a genetic link to DP but you can't help imagining a Weird Moment as the donor holds the baby for the first time, the rest of the family looking on anxiously, everyone thinking 'That's his baby, biologically'.  I can also totally understand how it would have been weird for DP's SIL, even though we do get on very well.  Another thing that would have frustrated me was the waiting for screening, as we wouldn't have gone down the 'turkey baster route'!

It's certainly a complex issue;  if I had a sister I'm sure I would donate eggs to her though - what the hell, I'd be a surrogate for her if it came to that!  I do have a daughter though, maybe that makes a difference.  Sometimes I think DP's mum stuck her oar in and put doubts into everyone's minds.

Very best of luck with your decision making and tx,  
love Caroline x


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## Gwendolyn (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi there!
We approached DH's brother re: donor sperm and he came back (less than 24 hours) saying that he just could not do it as he felt that he would not be able to "let go" ...knowing that this child would be biologically his.  DH's brother bounced the topic about with his girlfriend (at the time) and my mother-in-law for support.

I know that DH's brother is a deep thinker and would have spun all the various scenerios around in his head 10 times over....he also loves his big brother (my DH) dearly.  We respected his self-awareness that he would not be able to "let go".  I have to admit that there was  a bit of relief on my part as I had concerns that there could potentially be "leans" on our child....the fact that DH's brother could recongnize his vulnerability was admirable, I believe.  Unlike Caroline, I believe my DH's mother was VERY much hoping that DH's brother (her younger son) would help my DH and I....and I think she was more disappointed that this would not be the case.  I think she thought that the similiar genes would bring peace to my DH and ease his ambivalence about donor sperm.  I also think she has had her own ambivalence about anonymous donor sperm.....similiar to the wonderings of myself and DH.

Nevertheless, in many ways, DH's brother's decision to not be a donor sperm made it easier for my DH to move on to the anonymous donor sperm option.  It was as if my DH came to peace knowing that he did make a try and "preserving" the family genes....but it just didn't work out and now he was "more" ready to move onto anonymous donor sperm.  My DH was not disappointed by his brother's response.....he accepted it knowing that the complications that could have happened without the initial honesty of his brother would have made things all the more difficult for us. 

I have known since I was a child that my younger sister would not be able to carry a child.....and in the back of my mind, I always thought that I would offer to be a surrogate...should she and her DH decide they want a child.  In my heart, I stand by that value.....though, given the last 3 years- I have been able to share with her that until I have a child of my own.....I think it is not an option because I am just too fragile emotionally.  So perhaps this insight helped me in understanding my DH's brother's decision to not be a donor sperm for us (he is not married and has no children yet....but definitely plans to). 
Anyway, all my very best wishes in your pursuit to have a family!
Gwendolyn


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## Ginger (Jul 17, 2003)

Hi there

I thought I would just share my thoughts on sibling donors.

I need an egg donor. It's very early days, my last IVF only failed 8 days ago, and we aren't going back to Barts to discuss our options until February. However, our minds are made up that we will look for a donor and I mentioned to the nurse that that is what we will want to talk about in February. I don't know yet how the logistics work she did tell me that the waiting is up to 2 years but if I can get a donor to donate on my behalf then the waiting is much shorter. Obviously we have a lot to learn about the process and what's involved.

My wonderful 3 sisters, who live overseas,  have all said they would donate eggs. Both DH and I agree that I would not want to be the recipent. I am led to believe that they could donate on my behalf and hopefully at least one of them would be suitable. If one of them can donate on my behalf then I would have a shorter wait for an anonymous donation.

There is no way I could possibly imagine using a sibling egg for our own baby but if one of these angels can help me by donating to another lady like me who needs eggs then I hope it will all work out for us.

Lots of love

Ginger xxxxx


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## dizzy7 (Nov 22, 2004)

hi ginger, im in my 2ww with Donner eggs, and my sister-in-law, is donating to another couple, which helped us go to the top of the list, as in the clinic we attend, Three shires Care at Northampton, if you bring a Donner with you, then once they have been screened and had there tests and are able to test, you move to the top of the list, so i would inquire at your clinic, as to what happens when you bring a Donner willing to donate.

also to the other ladies on using a known Donner, i too was thinking of doing this, my niece, was going to donate to me, which when i asked her i was so grateful, she only being 21 was also a massive bonus, as I'm sure you are aware it goes on the age of the Donner, as I'm 40yrs old having a 21 yr olds egg would be very good, as fertility starts to decline after the age of 37? anyway i thought how wonderful. but after speaking to my niece a few times about it, i started to worry about it, from a couple of things she said, like i will feel weird when its running round and i will think its part of me, well this set alarm bells ringing, as didn't want her to think that, as wanted her to think it was just an egg not a child of hers, so anyway, went off that idea, we thought that if we had an altruistic Donner then this could never happen, we were very lucky to get one as quick as we did, we were told the waiting list was 6-9 moths and we started treatment in less than 4 months, but nit did help in having someone to help us to the top of the list.
any way lots of luck take care
luv dizzy xxxxx


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## nickf2001 (Sep 25, 2002)

Hi Helen 

I thought that I would share my story. I had 2 failed ivf attempts using my own eggs with no success due to high FSH, so I ended going down the egg donor route with my sister who kindly offered to donate. At first I wasn't sure how I felt but after talking it through with her we decided to try and now I have a beautiful 5 month old little girl who means the world to me. I could not imagine life without her. Even though I am obvoulsly aware in the back of my mind that she was born as a result of my sisters egg, I never think of her as being my sisters and my sister has been brilliant. We both seem to have adapted quite easily and my sister  does not show any maternal signs towards her.

I hope this helps

Nicky


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## ZenaE (Dec 2, 2004)

Just to reiterate what Ginger has said... if you are not happy, comfortable with the idea of a sister or brother donating eggs or tadpoles, or they are not,then ask them if they are still willing to donate to someone else who so desperately need them. It would still mean that you go to the top of any waiting list.
My sister in law offered to donate her eggs to me, but then found out she was pregnant, so it's back to my waiting list unless I can find an egg donor.
It has taken a while, but I have finally come to accept that any children I have will not be related to me, (don't have any sisters anyway).
Take care and good luck with your search....


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