# Can't ignore bad feelings about using donor eggs



## Selby88

So I had my ivf follow up meeting last week and although we plan another cycle, it's apparent my chances of success are very very low. I had dismissed the donor egg idea, because In my head I have two nagging feelings...

Firstly if I have to go this far, should I just not adopt and give a child a home, and most of all, this feels like I would not actually be a real mother, and it makes me feel low to think the baby would not be brought about by me, more that it belongs to my DH and a 'Another woman' 

now I'm so confused and really not coping with the thought of never having kids... Am I being stupid, selfish, or are these normal feelings. Will I get over them? Or do I have my answer...

Any thoughts much appreciated 
X


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## Frangipanii

Hi cant offer advice about donor eggs but I just wanted to say....you really have to work with what your gut is telling you!! You cannot risk regret. 
Funnily or more ironic I supposed. I was just wondering why more people dont adopt. In fact I find the idea myself of using donor eggs and sperm strange in comparison.  Don't misunderstand that as me judging people because I really don't I just find it curious! Adoption isnt easy of course but I do feel like a real mummy if that is any consolation...in fact I am adopted myself and we all feel very much like a real family.  
If it was me I would always find it strange the baby being biologically related to the husband and not me. But look at least you have options and good ones. As I said stick with your gut....I didnt with something in my life and the regret is not good!.
I wish you luck on your journey regardless of direction
love fran


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## bundles

Selby, sorry to hear that you have not been given the news you wanted to hear    For me the idea of DE wasn't a great one either but someone pointed out that the egg is just like many people being given the same ingredients but all baking a different cookie !! For me, my daughter is mine. I grew her, I nourished her, and I gave birth to her. I was not prepared for the huge love I feel for her and truly believe I was destined to have her. Have you read up on epigenetics ? You are more responsible than you think for how a baby turns out. My LO has my feet, down to having different 2nd toes on each foot !!
Strangely, I had always wanted to adopt but after reading some of the stories on here I'm not sure I'm up to it or even would be accepted. I find this so sad, as there are clearly many LOs needing mummies & daddies. I think adoptive parents are amazing.
Good luck with your decision  
xx


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## Frangipanii

I am so glad you wrote that response bundles as it was an education for me. Thanks. 
As for adoption being difficult. ..yes it is in places but it is getting easier and they do accept a lot more than they used. I dont know any adopter who is remotely perfect and we were all accepted! People with criminal records, poor finance history and poor family histories! Just so you know! 
Xxxx


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## bundles

Thanks for your comment too Fran   I must admit I did feel a little awkward typing my comments about adoption & nearly hit the delete key. I really meant nothing bad by them. I have done a lot of reading of the adoption section & am often saddened & in awe, all within the same thread !! There are some names that come up often, who I am really inspired & humbled by. I think I may be too old now, although haven't totally given up on having another myself   and of course, you never know what fate throws up  
xxx


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## Selby88

Thanks for your thoughts, it really helps. Actually reading more I wonder if we could afford it too.. But I don't want to rule anything out at the moment. I am seeing a counsellor soon so hope I can get my head a little straighter. It seems I bounce from one painful and confusing quandary to another. It's a nasty roller coaster this infertility ride...

Thank you
X


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## Tamsutbadger

Just want to share my thoughts.  My little girl was born nearly 12 months ago today.  I used a donor egg from Spain, was totally devastated when told I couldn't have a baby as I had gone through the menopause at 31.  Well we stRted on our journey and got our angel on the3rd cycle.  As others have said I was scared but the overwhelming love I have for her is indescribable. I believe in epicene tics she looks a bit like me has eczema like me I gave birth to her grew her.  Good luck hope you find comfort and are lucky in your journey.  I got to say its the most amazing experience I have ever been through and love my beUtiful girl more each day if that's possible.
X


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## Kernow Lou

Hi, I saw this and wanted to share my side of the story.  I have not had donor eggs, but have been an egg donor for 3 women now.  The first time was as a thank you to my clinic for helping me achieve a BFP and my daughter.  Both ladies fell pregnant and should have had their babies/be due any day now.  
I received some negative criticism from a few friends/family members as they saw it as 'a big part of me' that I was just giving away, but I see it as no different to a blood donation.  I hope that doesn't sound glib, as I don't mean it like that, but I don't feel I have 'lost' anything significant, but have gained a lot of happiness from allowing someone a chance at a family.  It is literally just a few cells that I have provided, but the baby will have been created through their partner's sperm, their blood flowing through the placenta, their nurturing through diet, exercise, talking, etc. throughout their pregnancy.  
I am also a big believer in epigenetics and have many friends whose children  are the result of a donor or double donor, and they look far more like each other than me and my daughter do (in fact I have been asked at least 5 times if she is mine!).
Ultimately, it is what feels right for you and I think you will know you've come to the right decision when you make it, but I just wated to share the other side of donation.
In regards to adoption, I am currently on the 2ww, but have decided that we will adopt if it is a BFN as we feel it is more important that our daughter has a sibling, than for us to have a biological child or for me to be pregnant again.  I have great admiration for women who choose to adopt over treatment or who take the journey on, whatever their situation.  It's an amazing thing to do.
The best of luck with whatever you decide.  
Lou x


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## Cranky Angie

I am 28 weeks pregnant with DE. I always wanted more than one child, and having grown up as an only child I really didn't want my son to be one, as it can be lonely at times. In the end for my son to have a sibling and for me to have another child was more important than the whole genetics thing. I didn't want to have an adopted child that may have been exposed to harmful physical and emotional experiences during pregnancy in early life as I didn't know what sort of impact that may have had and I couldn't risk that impacting on my biological child. Had I not had him, then I think I would have been more open to adoption. I am also step mum to 2 children and I have really struggled over the years with the knowledge that they are not really mine and however much I do for them and however little their real mum does for them, they will always love their real mum more just cos of who she is. I couldn't put myself through that again with an adopted child always wanting to know about his or her "real mum". I know I will feel like a real mum to this baby cos there is no other mum out there. And as for it being DHs genes and not mine, it does not really bother me. I feel a little sad that the baby will it look like me but my DS doesn't look like me either, he looks exactly like his dad and that's just how it is. At the end of the day it's how much you love them and how much they love you, and not who they look like. And my  2 stepchildren are half Ghanaian and look absolutely nothing like their dad and he couldn't love them more. 
DE is a strange concept to get your head round, but now I'm 28 weeks pregnant and loving sharing this experience with my boy, it doesn't actually feel any different to being pregnant last time with my OE child!! 
Good luck with your decision. 
Hope I haven't offended anyone with my post. I am a primary school teacher and have met and worked with lots of lovely adopted children, but at the end of the day you have to do what feels right for you. 
Ange xxx


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## wehavethreecats

hi Selby
It sounds like you had a very similar post-cycle consultation to me. I actually thought the doctor mentioning DE was kind of absurd- how dare she throw out the window the idea of me being the full biological mum? Anyway, as another failed cycle showed, it seemed unlikely that my eggs would ever be good enough. So we went for DE...  all the feelings you mention sound very normal and reasonable. It's a big shift to get your head around. Don't rush your decision and talk through as much as you can (here or anywhere) what is troubling you about it. I don't think any single treatment is the right thing for everything.. so while it worked for me, i am not wedded to it as a solution for everyone.  

AFM, I worried during the pregnancy that i would not bond with my babies. I knew that fertility treatments were no protection from postnatal depression and that donor eggs may trigger attachment difficulties. I worried too that they wouldn't feel like my children - that they would look different to me and that would be publicly a marker for my failure to make eggs/babies.  None of that turned out to be the case. My babies (10months old now) are like little miracles. I love them so much and am thankful every day for them.  People often (weirdly!) say they look like me, and while i know that is not true, they will become more like me and my hubby every day as they take on our mannerisms and characteristics.  As someone else said, epigenetics (that is, everything in addition to genes) are so important in creating precious new little human beings... the egg is essential, but everything beyond that cell is what makes them yours. 

I feel very ramble-y!


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## wehavethreecats

ps.  big congrats to Cranky Angie -i remember your user name (love it!) from last year when i was posting a lot.  Hope you are feeling well x


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## Selby88

Thanks wehave3cats (by the way We have 2! They keep me sane)
No that's not rambling, it's just the kind of thing I wanted to hear. So good to know others have been through the same thought process. Sounds like you had a truly happy ending. I keep praying for mine! Can I ask which clinic in Spain? 

I am hoping my counselling which starts soon will help me sort out some of my concerns. It's such a minefield.

Thanks again
Selby


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## wehavethreecats

We had our treatment in the UK - CARE Northampton (i would not use them again though, despite the happy ending). I could never quite believe that we would have a happy ending and wuold see women on here who had made it out the other side and assume i would never be one of them. DE was the thing which made that possible. And a dose of luck, probably! 

Hope the counselling referral comes through soon - not all counsellors are created equally though so if you don't gel with them, ask for another or go to a non-fertility one. I think although the fertility ones know about the treatments, they aren't necessarily the ones which can help with whatever the other dilemmas and personal issues you bring with you. Isn't it amazing though that the NHS provides free counselling for IVF!?


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## Sacada

Why would you not use care northampton again despite a happy ending Wehavethreecats? I am thinking of having DE IVF at care northampton and am worried by your post. Thanks x


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## Rosa1939

Hi wehavethreecats,

Also wondering why you would not use Care Northampton.  Am thinking of using them too so any feedback would be great.  

Selby88, we have also been advised to use donor eggs and it has taken me nearly 2 years of soul searching to come to the decision to go ahead and try donor eggs, and I'm still not 100% sure even now! I veer from being really optimistic and positive about it all to then suddenly feeling really scared and unsure.  You are not alone, take time to think things through as others have said, there is no rush.  

xx


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## Cranky Angie

Guys I am still unsure about DE and I am 35 weeks pg tomorrow. But I tell you something, it feels great to be pregnant and I am SO excited to meet my baby  

Just a note, this time round I went to Serum in Greece. Having been to 2 UK clinics and 1 in Spain, the Greek one outshines them all by a mile. If I had found them 10 years ago I never would have gone anywhere else. In fact if I'd found them 10 years ago I think I would have 5 kids by now that's how much faith I have in them. 

Ange xxx


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