# Feel let down by life!



## joely (Mar 15, 2007)

Hi,
I am new to this site - guess I'm just searching for answers. My dh and I have been ttc for 5 years. We were both unexplained and have done 2x iui, 1x ivf and 1 x icsi. With the ivf we got 8 mature eggs but only 1 fertilised - it developed into a 2 cell embryo and was put back, but bfn. We were then advised to have icsi to "guarantee fertilisation" next time round. We've just done the icsi cycle, got 9 mature eggs which were all injected and none of them fertilised.

Had our review yesterday and even though all tests have always been totally normal, the consultant said it has to be a sperm problem, although obviously he can't say what that is, because all sperm tests are totally normal. He then basically said that unless we were prepared to use donor sperm, it would be pointless trying again.

There is no way that dh will consider donor sperm (or adoption, but I don't want to adopt either). He already has a child who's mother is dead and who I have adopted from the age of 5. So....to coin a cliche - I feel like I'll never be fulfilled unless I have my own child and I feel really guilty, because I now keep thinking about leaving dh to find someone that can get me pregnant - it's ridiculous but that's how badly I want a baby.

Can anyone help me get over this awful feeling that my world has ended and how do I stop blaming dh?
Jo x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi Jo, 

All I can tell you is that this stuff takes you places, has you feeling things, and doing things, that beforehand we didn't know were possible or even existed. I don't think it will always be like this for you, but I completely get that for now, today, this feels like hell. 

I have no wisdom, but I would encourage you to take it easy on yourself, allow your thoughts to arise and then watch them float off - like clouds on a windy day - and remember that your thoughts aren't you, they are just that, thoughts. You've been through so much, of course you're going to think a few crazy things. 

Keep posting and reading our threads - the women here are capable of giving the most amazing support, and showing icredible insight.

Thnk of you on this tough day.....

Love, 

MM xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Jo-just noticed your post and wanted to reply.

Like you my dh was not interested in donor sperm and i am not sure i was too.We also never considered adoption as i too have more or less adopted my dh's dd (who i have brought up from age 5-now 15).In my case also we didnt go on to do ivf as we were so devastated with the iui lark.We are unexplained also and obviously as dh already had a child couldnt work out why.

I had some major decisions to make after our iuis failed in 2005 and i fell apart. I knew dh wasnt keen on ivf and i didnt know if i could cope myself with more treatment as we had been thru this all of our marriage(see my profile). I took 5 weeks off work- iwas so stressed i gave myself an ulcer too and i really needed this time to get my head together. I went back to work for a week or so (i am a teacher and it was nearly summer hols) as i knew i would have another 8 weeks off after.

I began to feel a bit stronger in myself.We booked a hol abroad and i decided to join a night class in art for sept.At the end of Aug however before i returned to school i was 3 weeks late and thought i may have been pg.After 3 weeks my af arrived.(i was on my way out to dinner with girls)- i couldnt let myself think about it as i had just picked myself up from the last time.Then that Christmas i was a week late too.This time i was devastated as af arrived Christmas eve.I went back to gps for tests for miscarriage in Jan but they were inconclusive.Then i was offered clomid by the gp which got my hopes up-until she checked with specialist who did NOT recommend it as she felt my fsh levels were rising too fast.

So there i was again -trying to cope (that was this time last year).I finally decided i coudnt take any more hopeful things just to come down with a bang when they didnt work.I called it a day and decided that if it happened it happened.Our life in the last year has been very traumatic with my stepdaughters antics and her mother too and that kinda made our decision for us as we are too exhausted to deal with ttc as well.

It doesnt mean that just because you have adopted a child that you do not want your own baby.Sometimes its worse as they get older as you know you have made a good job of bringing up a child which isnt yours and you feel how good you would be as a mother to your own child.I really know how you feel.If you look at my latest post you will see i have come a long way but i am still aware that if my sisters announce they are pg i will be very upset and wonder all over again " why them and not me". I know neither of my sisters would have ever done what i did and "took on" another woman's child and that annoys me too.You are i am sure a wonderful mother to her.

I think now you need to decide where you go from here if you have no more treatment planned.You need time to grieve and also to heal before you make a major decision.Good luck and pm if you need to. xxxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I don't think that I have anything useful to say, but I just wanted to tell you that I've only been on this board about a week, and already I have learned so much from reading the posts, and I do feel very supported here, and I really think I'm making giant strides emotionally, so I hope this board can help you too.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I'm so sorry that you have had this news. It must be so devastating for you, and must have been left reeling after what your doctor has said.  

You need to be very gentle to yourself hon because you have been through so much, and received some shocking news that must have been very upsetting to hear... what you say you are thinking is a perfectly normal reaction as far as I'm concerned - its that knee jerk reaction to devastating news. I agree with what the other ladies have said, and particuarly like MM's statement that you are not your thoughts!

I understand you wanting the 'whole package' of pregnancy etc. I think we all know where you're coming from with that, because most of us have strived to acheive the same thing in one way or another. After all its only natural as women we will feel a need to try and have a child with a partner that we love, and its devastating when things don't work out for us. its also hard when there is a child in the equasion who isn't your own - its not like you can escape being around kids and hide yourself away from everything when you have a child in your life. 

Keep talking to us here hon, we are here to help you explore your thoughts and feelings whilst you go through this difficult time.

With love & a very gentle hug
Emcee x


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## joely (Mar 15, 2007)

Thank you for your kind and wise words all of you. I have read some of the other posts on here and know where you are coming from. At the moment I am just angry and depressed and looking for someone/something to blame. I just can't get my head round it all to be honest. Never for one minute did I think I'd end up in this situation. In some ways it would be easier to deal with if it were me with the problem.....
Anyway, I just need to take some time and try and adjust to a childless life - all seems a bit meaningless at the moment.
Jo x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Joely, 

You took a smart step forward in posting here. Keep reading and posting, rant as much as you need to. One of us is always around, even in the small hours, to care and to support.

Love to you, 

MM xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Hi Joely,

Just wanting to send you a big hug and to let you know that I think everything you have expressed and all your frustrations and feelings are normal normal normal. It is brave and honest to admit you have felt anger and blame towards your DH, but I don't think you would be human, with those overpowering primeval instincts to procreate and nurture a child of your own, if blame wasn't part of the process. When you are 'unexplained' who else is there to look towards to vent your anger at?

We too are in the 'unexplained' category and, shameful or not, we have both independently pointed the finger at one another in the lowest moments of anger and despair. DH will not entertain the thought of donor eggs/sperm/adoption (not that I'm sure it's for me either) and has admitted to me that he wonders if he would by now have children if he was with someone else, and I certainly have had the same thoughts myself. At my worst and most obessive point when our relationship appeared to be in tatters thanks to this wretched process I was actually hatching a plan to keep going until I got pregnant (ha!), then leave him once I had used him for his sperm! I shudder now but IF can make you think, feel and act in a way you never thought possible. 

All I can tell you is that, for me, our relationship improves in leaps and bounds when we take a break from IF treatment and all its associated emotional turmoil, and love and friendship returns and replaces blame and hostility. I start to see our relationship as more important to me than the endless persuit of a baby, instead of the other way round. The nightly 'baby' dreams also subside and I start to notice life outside of this going on around me again, and it's such a release. How you feel now is relevant to the moment you are in right now, and anger is a very natural emotion to feel and you shouldn't feel guilty about expressing it - it's far healthier to acknowledge it and express it and this is such a safe environment for you to do just that - but if you are gentle on yourself and allow yourself time to process all that you feel, and the blow that you have been dealt, those feelings may well give way to something more positive in the weeks and months to come. I really do hope so. I'm certainly not there yet and I still have my bad days, as I'm sure I will for a long time to come, but since posting here and listening to everything the fantastic women have to say I feel more postive and in control and life is starting to feel like it might have some meaning to it again. 

I hope you will keep posting, and that things start to gets easier for you. With love and best wishes,

B xxx


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## joely (Mar 15, 2007)

Thanks for sharing that B, I'm overwhelmed by the level of support there is in this section. You are all fab and a great comfort. It's strange that initially I thought ivf was bringing us closer together and now I think it could easily drive us apart.....I'm sure things will get easier in time.

Thank you,
Jo x


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear joley
what a horrible place to be.
I feel for you.
like others have siad I think that IF takes you to a place in your mind that you never thought existed.
It's still early days after the specialist giving you his opinion.
Being told it's unexplained is hard.
Just remember that his opinion is just that - his opinion.  I think that there are factors that Dr's can't even begin to understand in this whole thing.
Earlier on someone (was it you jq?) said that she found it helpful instead of thinking that "We've failed the treatment" it was more helpful; to think "The treatment failed us". I found that extremely helpful.
I think that in early days after being given such news that how you are both feeling is entirely normal and to give yourself some time. I love the analogy of thoughts being like clouds - lovely!

Lots hugs Joanne


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Joely,

I empathise with your situation and your feelings based on my own experiences.

19 years ago we found out that we couldn't conceive because of my DH's low sperm count. Donor Sperm or adoption were the only possible solutions (this was many years before ICSI was invented). My DH wouldn't agree to Donor Sperm. His main reason (amongst other reasons) was that he felt that me & the child would have a bond that he would have no part of. He would have been willing to consider adoption as he felt that woud be more "equal". I wouldn't consider adoption because I felt my attitude towards an adopted child would be tainted by the constant feeling that I "could" have had my own biological child. So it was stalemate - and yes I experienced all those negative feelings towards my DH.

After about 8 years of this stalemate situation, ICSI was invented and I thought my dreams would now come true. But despite us producing many embryos each time, none resulted in a pregnancy. After 4 cycles, I had to call it a day as by then I had become too old (and, with some irony the doctor said we would have to give up unless I would consider donor eggs!!).

So how do I feel now?  I wish I could tell you that all the feelings of resentment have completely gone away, but I have to be truthful. There isn't a day which goes by when I don't think back to 19 years ago when I was young and if my DH had agreed to Donor Sperm, things would be so different now. So if I'm honest I have to admit I still have underlying feelings of resentment. And of course, my DH knows this and although this upsets him he nevertheless feels that his decision was correct and doesn't regret it. 

So what gets me through it? Well, I think about how I would have felt if the tables were turned. What if I had been infertile rather than my DH? Well, I know my attitude would have been the same as his - I wouldn't have considered donor eggs - I would have wanted to adopt to make it more "equal". 

So, when I look at it rationally I'm blaming DH for something where I would have done the same in his position - which just proves how irrational IF makes you think and behave !! I think it is so natural to "blame" the other person.

And the fact that me and my DH can be open with each other about how we feel, strengthens our relationship - we have been though all this awful stuff together (and have to face it every day) - and our marriage survives strong and intact.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful - and I apologise if it just re-inforces your negative feelings - but I just wanted to empathise and say how "normal" your feelings are. The most important thing is to be honest with each other - let's face it, that's what marriage is all about - being honest with each other and supporting each other and trying to compromise.


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## joely (Mar 15, 2007)

Hello saf,
Thank you for being so open. Just a few questions....you don't have to answer! Have you ever been tempted to leave dh for someone who might get you pregnant? You must have a very strong marriage to get through 19 years with this issue between you and no children "keeping you together" - sorry if that sounds insensitive, I hope you don't take it the wrong way. 
I think that having a child gives you a shared purpose/goal in your marriage and I'm not sure what ours can be if we can't have a child. All other things just sound a bit meaningless e.g. dh suggested that we can now concentrate on our careers, pay our mortgage off early and retire to the sun - my thoughts on that were, as you might imagine, " oh great - what a fantastic substitute for a child!" It's all right for him - he's got a biological child (which I am also bringing up as my own). I would be happy to use donor sperm and then it would be equal, but he just won't have it.

Thank you Joanne for your thoughts as well. It's a comfort to know that people care enough to write something on here


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Joely,

Happy to answer any questions .........

regarding the question of whether I considered leaving DH for someone who could get me pregnant:

When we first got the diagnosis, DH actually suggested that if I wanted to leave him in order to have a chance of pregnancy with someone else, he would understand. Not that he wanted me to leave him, he just felt obliged to "give me the option".

I did think about it briefly but decided against it very quickly. Not because I didn't think it would make me happy, and not because being with DH was more important than having a child - neither of these reasons. The reason was that it felt wrong morally. If the position had been reversed I would have expected him to stay with me - so I should do the same for him. For me, that is what marriage is all about - when you get married you make a commitment to each other and have to work through together what life throws at you.

Having said that, I fantasised every day about leaving him and having a child with someone else.  You just can't control your mind in this situation - you can only control your actions .........

Don't know if this helps or not, but I can only give you my honest answers....

S.A.F.


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Joely,

I meant to add ....... has your DH explained exactly why he won't consider donor sperm ? The more you understand his reasons, the easier it might be to deal with. Again you could ask yourself if those reasons would apply to you if the position was reversed?

S.A.F.


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi joley,

just wanted to say that I really emphathise with your situation.  We are unable to have children due to my dh's IF, although ironically he does have a birth child who is now a teenager.  I have found it really hard, it seems so unfair.  We have tried icsi but it didn't work and I really hated doing the treatment.  It was so stressful and I just can't face doing anymore.  That leaves us with adoption which we are both happy to do, but despite all of that I do feel really hurt that I will never have my own biological child.  I also fantasised about sleeping with someone else in order to try to get pregnant.  I don't think that I would ever do it, and for the most part I have felt as if I have gotten over this issue to some extent.  But saying that just recently it has began to get to me again.  Life seems so very unfair.  He has a child, yet I am the one who had to go through the treatment, and I am the one without a child.  I know its not my dh's fault, I don't blame him, but it is very harsh all the same.

I feel terribly guilty even writing this, if my dh saw it he would be devastated, but it is nice to say how you feel on this site.

Good luck joley, not sure if my message will help you in any way, just wanted you to know that I feel the same!!

lol maisie x


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Maisie,

It's great that you written down how you honestly feel.  These situations stir up such conflicting emotions. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

There will be so many people who will read your post and identify with how you feel and will find it really "validating".

S.A.F.


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## joely (Mar 15, 2007)

Thanks Maisie for sharing how you feel - it's awful when you think life is unfair isn't it? I guess the thing is, it's unfair in so many ways - not just the infertility stuff. That's partly why I made my subject heading "let down by life". Having been brought up on fairy tales and films with happy endings, it's devastating when you find out that real life is cruel and harsh.
Jo x


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi Joley & s.a.f.

Thanks for your comments.  Guess life is really hard at times and yes I guess other its not just the IF stuff, although its hard not to get so focused on it.  What surprises me is that I thought that I had dealt with this (as much as you can deal with this issue), but it just seems to have popped up again, not sure if its because a good friend of mine is now pregnant and it hurts - even though I am pleased for her - or whether its looking at the adoption stuff which just makes you think about it all over again!!  I wish life could be fairer for all of us!!!

Good luck guys with everything!  Hears hoping for some miracles!!!  Or just some fun would be good, I feel as if I have stopped having proper fun since this whole IF thing.  I do feel that it has changed me as a person, I seem to moan a lot now and don't really seem overly happy..... I think that I have become a bit of a whinger!!!!  

take care, and good luck with it all!!!

lol maisie xx


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