# Question Regarding Family Member



## Anonymous Posting (Jun 5, 2015)

* *PLEASE NOTE - This post has been made on behalf of a member who wishes to remain anonymous **​
*Hi All

I'm a regular forum contributor but wanted to post this extra anonymously. We're in the process of adoption assessment and I had the terrible news this weekend that my brother in law has been accused of very serious sexual offences against children. These are currently being investigated and he has not been charged. From what I understand about these processes, it may be up a year or mroe before there is a clear outcome. Obviously my first concerns are for my sister and her children and I'm doing everything I can to be there for them. Selfishly, I'm also worried that this may have an impact on our assessment/approval. I plan to share the news with our SW, emphasise that I don't know if he is guilty or not and say that until that was established I would not let him see any children placed with us. I would really appreciate any advice/experiences/reassurance on this one. This part of my family does not live locally and is not part of my immediate support network.

Thanks is advance! x
*


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm not sure what advice I could give that could help, but I wanted to send you a hug x x


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## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiya, 

I'm certainly no expert in this but I just wanted to say that my best friends parents went down the fostering route and the SW even did background checks and interviewed my friends boyfriend. I doubt this will stop you adopting tho if the family member lives far away but I guess you will just have to wait and have a chat with them. 

Hope all goes well 

xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Firstly you're not in the least bit selfish for worrying about your own future that you've invested so much in.

Secondly I'm not sure anyone can give you the reassurance you need other than your sw. I should think it's such a rare occurrence that there probably aren't set ways of proceeding. Given that they're not part of your immediate support network or close I would imagine they would let you proceed with caution but would want to see robust plans in place to deal with the situation.

I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you and your sister. x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi lovely, this is so hard for you and your family and far from the norm.
I know you will be panicking at the immediate impact and that of the future.
You must remember it is your brother in law and not you.
It's so hard as it takes, I am sure a big battle, generally emotionally and physically to get to this point and you feel it's something else, stopping you from getting your dream.
Bare with it and speak to social worker.  Be honest and open and have some answer in yoour head as how you can control the situation, as far as you can your end.  They aren't in your support network and far away, but I cannot give an answer.
Wishing you lots of luck xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Huge huge hugs. What an awful situation to find yourselves in. I couldn't agree with becs more, you are not in the least bit selfish thinking of the implications for you and  adoption - who wouldn't? 

I honestly can't give any advice regarding the outcome but I think you are doing the best thing. Open honesty is essential and I would have a complete plan  to show you have fully understood the seriousness of the allegations. 

Good luck and more hugs xxx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

You are not being selfish at all, I know my 1st reaction after being horrified about the awfulness of the allegation and the safety of my family would be to be angry with the implications it could have for us. 
As has been said before the only people who can give you the reassurance with this issue is your SW.
Wishing all the best sending both you and your sister virtual hugs x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

You poor thing and your poor sister what a stressful situation.  I agree that honesty is the best policy.  I would have a long hard think about whether regardless of outcome you are happy to allow any child have a relationship with your BIL. Obviously not knowing the circumstances I can't comment on efficacy of allegations made but from having worked with children I've seen a number of allegations not make it to Court which I'm absolutely sure were true.  They'll only go if it's water tight because of the horrendous experience court is for the children. 

You are not being selfish you are protecting your family.  Just because your children aren't with you doesn't mean decisions placing them at the centre can't be made. Huge hugs this is a massive shock so be kind to yourself and let it sink in before agreeing to anything.  Really hope your sister and her kids get the support they need too xxxx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I found out during our matching process that a member of my family had a conviction for an offence against children and had been on the sex offender's register. It seems SSs knew all along but the first I knew of it was when our SW asked for a meeting and told me that she had to tell me not to leave the children alone with this family member. 

Like you, they aren't part of our support network and live a long distance away. I assume it was never an issue as we were approved without any mention of it and it was only after matching started that the subject was even broached. 

I hope everything works out okay for you all!


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

I'm same as Dandleabean - someone in my immediate support network had a long held secret that they had a conviction for sexual assault against a minor. It only cropped up for us when we were requesting a DBS for them. Our SW was really understanding, and we just had to make some changes to our planned support. (It did cause huge ructions in the family that this has been a secret for so so long) (oh and also we only found this out 6 days before approval panel) 

I would hope a SW would see it as it is - that he hasn't been charged, he isn't living on your doorstep, and you wouldn't leave your child/ren with him. I would definitely speak up and work something out with your team. 

It must be a hugely stressful time for your family, I hope everything comes right. Big hugs xxx


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## Anonymous Posting (Jun 5, 2015)

** PLEASE NOTE - The following is a response to the original poster from a member who also wishes to remain anonymous ***
*​*


Hi there!
I saw your post about your BIL and wanted to respond as we had a similar thing happen to us

my husbands Uncle (W) was just being released from 8 years in prison as we were starting the adoption process and he lived a few miles from us. We never were exactly sure what the offences were but it appeared he had abused his trust in a position as a teacher in a special school (children with behavioural problems) nobody believed it when it first came out ..I'm sure there is a similar feelng of disbelief and desperately wanting it not to be true in your case. Local papers got hold of it of course and it was horrible. W always protested his innocence and within the family (not a close one especially) everyone sided with him and it was viewed as a great miscarriage of justice that he was eventually imprisoned. His story was that that the boy in question was a manipulative naughty boy who had cleverly twisted things. Myself and DH always sat on the fence..like the others we didnt really want to believe it was true..certainly DH had never had an inkling of his uncle being innapropriate or anything all the time he was growing up..but at the same time he did kind of fit the profile of a paedophile..older man, lived with his elderly mother, his general life a bit shaded from everyone, nobody quite ever knew what he was doing&#8230;

ANYWAY..that's the background..when we started the process we were totally upfront about it all..we said we would never see him with the children and generally would be really mindful of the situation (we didnt ever really see him anyway,only family occasions) 
All seemed fine&#8230;then about 4 months into home study our SW dropped the bombshell that her manager really wasnt happy with it all. ..the main problem being that we didn't see him as guilty (as i said we sat on the fence with it) it was feared that we might put a child at risk if we didnt really believe he was capable of having done what he did. Our approval panel date was cancelled and nobody would tell us what might happen. We were officially 'on hold'
We ended up being sent on a training course at The Lucy Faithful Foundation where we learned all about sex offenders, their behaviour, how they become one etc etc..actually it was all quite interesting! Still, even to this day I am still not 100% convinced W did what he was supposed to have done &#8230;BUT we knew we had to tell the SW's that we now absolutely believed he was guilty..and demonstrate what we would do to protect our (as yet unplaced) children. What we had to do was completely cut him off by sending him a letter explaining we couldnt see him anymore because it was affecting our chances of adopting, we had to ask that he remove items from our loft with immediate effect (we had stored some things for him whilst in prison) and we had to talk to DH's parents and sister and tell them what we had to do..and that they must understand that family gatherings with our children would forever be a no go area (Christmases etc) and if, for instance, at any point they were minding the children and W knocked at the door they were not to let him in. This was really hard because it was saying to all Dh's family that we now thought W was guilty and they all still thought he was innocent. Especially hard for DH's sister who was, and still is, very close to W.
Finally we got to panel..of course it came up as a question but we had done enough and talked anough by then to convince them we wouldn't put a child at risk. Approved..PHEW!
But it basically drove a wedge right through the family. Doubly difficult now too as W's partner(she stuck by him through it all) is v involved locally with scouts and my 2 are in cubs and beavers so we see her about loads!! Cant avoid talking to her..
For the first 5 years, up until 2 years ago, we hadnt seen him..Christmasses have been cleverly orchestrated so that W goes on different days to us.. then DH's Dad died and we had the funeral to deal with. There was no way I wasnt going to let the children go and say goodbye to their Grandad and there wasnt any way of keeping W away from his own brothers funeral so we had to just get on with it. Back at the house it was quite awkward but we managed. Havent seen him since but see his partner quite often!
So we manage! So far I havent explained to the kids why we dont see him, they barely know who he is but I do keep in mind the years ahead when they are out and about on their own so I need to tell them at some point...eek!

So thats our story..I wanted to tell it in as much detail as poss so you could see it from all angles because no doubt right now you are all over the place. Its not selfish to worry about the impact on your adoption plans..I felt the same, i was so angry that someone who i barely know might actually scupper the whole thing for us 

Make sure you show the SW you are thinking ahead..what might happen in the future, how you might handle it..you just need to convince them you wont put a child at risk..ever..

hope thats helped, sending lots of love becuase its a really really stressful time for you I'm sure  *


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## Anonymous Posting (Jun 5, 2015)

* *PLEASE NOTE - This response is a reply from the original poster **​
*Hi All - thanks so much for your responses. Your words and advice have been really helpful. We're not seeing our social worker for a few weeks but will tell them then. I'm fluctuating between being sure it'll be fine and panicking that it will badly affect us. As you say, only our SW can reassure us! Xxx*


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