# Today I am angry for us and angry for you



## Bahhumbug

Today I am angry. The sadness is ever-present, although comes and goes and is sometimes even negligible and life seems rosy, but today I am cross, for myself, for my husband and on behalf of all of you lot too.
Why do we need what seems like the knowledge of a first year medical degree to understand our own bodies? Why will it cost us all upwards of £5000 to achieve (or not) something all of our friends get with little effort and no cost?
Why do we have to avoid social situations and mentally prepare ourselves for something so simple as going shopping because of the inevitable prams and bumps?
Why am I too nervous to go back to my church after I burst into tears last time? It's been 3 years since we last went.
Why are our relationships like pressure cookers and our conversations so serious? Where has the fun gone?! And don't get me started on the sex!!

I'll be fine in 5 minutes, but wanted to write down how angry I am for you. I have not met you but I reach out to you, and thank you for doing the same for me.

There is seemingly no reason for this.

Anyone else angry today? 

That is all!

Xxx


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## Wishings15

Because it's life. Life is harder for us than others.
It makes us read positivity books and listen to meditation cds just to calm down.......... To read about things that we shouldn't know, and turn it into our hobby, entire life revolving around it. 
I hate Christmas, when it used to be my favourite holiday? 
And people saying it will happen, it's worth it?
Well it's not worth it when it doesn't work.......


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## Bahhumbug

Thanks for the reply, Wishing, and sending you lots of kick-ass survival skills for Christmas!


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## Maksi

Yes Bahumbug. I am reminded by your post of how much effort,tears, disappointment,lying and pretending,smiling,tolerant of insensitive comments,isolated from everyday life and frozen in time until this journey ends , obsessed with one poor hormone result,ecstatic at the slightest glimpse of a better than expected follicle count, how many healthy potions and lotions I've used, read this book, another thread on that one thing that might make this time different, the chemicals I have injected into me even though I've never even popped a parcetomol in my life, how silenced I have become watching news when parents have harmed their children, how I never expected marriage life to be about this and the family that have disowned me cause they think I too busy for them.....if only they knew....but then again...them knowing won't make a difference I fear....
It angers me and saddens me...but we know what we know right. 
And when we have a child....we have so much love to give...thats all I focus on xx


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## Bahhumbug

Maksi, letting out a small scream of frustration for you whilst I sit in this cafe  xxx


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## Hbkmorris

OH MY!!! How I so relate to your words and everyone else's.. Hate Christmas and this year was to change all of that only for the heartache to be even stronger than ever before. 

Hate is a word I try to use very little as I try to see the positive in things but it seems to be flowing back into my words as I think of what we all have to go through, despite thinking your are there you aren't, things get taken from us and then some not so desperate brat get drunk, takes drugs and has a child all of which is then taken from them and we as tax payers are left to pay for.. then in return she can have more whilst we are ALL living the nightmare roll coaster trying with all our hearts to make a family.. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO darn unfair.. 

I'm now repeating in my head and out load whilst at work POSTIVIE THINK POSITIVE... Good has to come.. POSITIVE THINKING.. Jeez it's hard work.   xxx


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## Bahhumbug

Blimmin heck, hbkmorris, with what you've had to go through I'd be spitting.

I am all for acknowledging feelings, and that includes anger. I guess righteous indignation is the right name for it, which is different from self pity.

Let's stick together, ladies!! X x


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## Lolem

Hbkmorris - sending you the biggest hug I can find.
I feel exactly the same as you ladies - angry, frustrated, sad, isolated, life on hold, left behind, hate xmas and any get togethers, jealous, obsessed (maksi I've don all the lotions and potions and pinned all my hope on that 'one thing that might make a difference this time' too), and all the time trying to hold it together to the outside world and keep looking like everything is fine. I hate it (and I don't like that word either but sometimes it's appropriate). I'm just so darn tired!


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## Bahhumbug

Lolem
You hit the nail on the head with TIRED! It is all so exhausting: the pretence, the drugs, the hope, the appointments. Life on hold indeed.
Lots of love


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## Leenaj

hi ladies 

i can't say anything but i can acknowledge all of these feelings...6 months ago after having private fertility tests my life changed. every month i reminded by my AF that my body as well as DH's have let us down and  I can't change it either. life has not been the same, and won't be the same. I can't see anything but one goal now in life. I am living in a bubble. Im not bothered about christmas, my own birthday,  because I feel that I don't have anything else that I want. Time has come to a stand still. I actually feel like Im in a film where I am in really busy place and everyone around me is moving, walking, spinning but I am still because my life has come to a halt. I have to take every hour at a time, let alone every day. I live and breath this hell every day, and i wonder when will it end. Every day is so long. Before i used to look forward to dates in my diary where i had circled birthdays, weddings etc, now i look forward to clinic appointments. my heart flutters every time I get an email or response back from the clinic... 

when will it all end ......


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## Ms G

Hi Ladies,

I'm with you on this.  I'm really struggling to feel positive at the moment  I feel like everything is against us and don't understand why something which is so simple for many people is unachievable for us. Feel desperately sad and exhausted right now. 

It is beyond words to say how comforting it is to stumble across a thread which describes how you feel and just makes you feel less isolated as I know you all get it. 



So I'm going to put my brave face on, go to work and keep hoping, because I don't know what else to do.

xxxx


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## Alotbsl

Hi ladies, I used to feel angry but life has sucked all the energy away from me, I am now emotionally drained of all feelings, I have no strength for anger. 

Big hugs to you all, and a special one to hbkmorris, as you can see from my profile, I know exactly what you have been through.


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## cinnamon75

I don't feel angry, I feel a bit like a robot! I do what is asked and expected of me and tick each box off as I go along. I feel like infertility is my job and I get up everyday and go to work at getting it sorted and reaching my goals. Sometimes I worry why I don't feel angry or sad, or why I'm not bothered by seeing pregnant women or new born babies... Why don't I feel anything much about my infertility? I didn't even get upset or feel angry when I lost my pregnancy after my first IVF this year because I almost expected it. It's not like I'm trying to be negative, but I just knew it was part of this, I could see from everyone else's experiences that this was just another part of the experience. I think the armour I put up is so strong I'm losing myself underneath it. I must remember to FEEL and I envy your anger and sadness... it makes you real and passionate about what you want.


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## Leenaj

hi cinnamon

I just wanted to check did you DH only have an isolated morphology problem. My DH had 1 % normal morp, but high count and 51% motility...i noted you had icsi. Our clinic have told us IVF should be fine because the total number of normal sperms would be fine because of the count being very reasonable...but now I'm getting worried about maybe getting no fertilization, as most people tend to have ICSI with sperm problems


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## clahay

2 years ago at Christmas, I lost both grandmothers within 2 days. On Christmas day I had weird pains in my tummy which turned out to be implantation pains as I found out I was pregnant on 3rd Jan. For me it was a Christmas miracle as 6 months earlier we had been told that it was impossible for us to have children naturally. Anyway, 9 weeks later our baby was dead as he had Patau's Syndrome (only 200 a year in the UK - how lucky are we). I'm afraid Christmas is ruined for me now. On top of this my sister in law has had 2 babies in the space of 18 months and it's a magical time for them. I feel like a horrible grinch type person.


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## Bahhumbug

Thinking of you, Clahay. What a horrendous set of circumstances. No wonder you feel as you do. Cruel doesn't come close.
Hope you can blot out as much of the festivities and gubbins of this time of year and do some special things for yourself, however small.
It is the pits, isn't it?
We have my bro, sis in law and their 1 year-old staying. She is a gorgeous baby and i Can't dislike her as such, but it is torturous watching them as a family, plus my mother Can't stop cooing. My husband is spitting and close to confronting her. Grin. And. Bear. It.


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