# Brother's girlfriend is pregnant



## Stelbud (Feb 8, 2011)

Just found out my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. They'd been trying for 3 months. I'm totally devastated even though I want to be pleased for them.

It's 3 months next week since our 4th IVF failed. At the moment we are swaying towards adoption but DH is being honest that he has doubts. 

I'm so upset and so angry with life. Why did this have to happen to me and DH? Why is trying to have a family so hard. DH's sister is also pregnant through IVF so it means both sets of parents are overjoyed that there is going to be another addition to their families, something I can never give them.

My brother thankfully told me in advance of making the announcement to my family, that is going to be on Sunday. I was planning to be there but I think I'm going to have to bail out. I just think it will make the situation awkward.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few months, does anyone have any coping strategies??

Any advice gratefully received.

Stelbud xx


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## Mee Mee (Jun 24, 2010)

Hi Stelbud

I'm replying to your post as we had something similar happen in our family. Brother in law and his wife to Be announced they were pregnant 3 months after I had a missed miscarriage. We were both devastated. After that their wedding was very close to our babies due date. It was an extremely difficult time which was only made easier for us as we were planning our next cycle of ivf. Brother inlaw and wife were very supportive through this, but unfortunate it didn't work again. Since then I've not had any support from them. Although I have had email and text with lots of detail of their baby. I found that very distressing and insensitive. Again I only feel a bit better about things as we are in the planning stage again. Sister in law is now over 7 months pregnant and it's only now I feel a little bit excited about the baby. We have 2 nephews on my side of family but none on hubby's so it will be a nice addition.  

Sorry if Ive gone on. From my experience I can only say it gets a bit easier with time. Coping strategy for me is planning things - next treatment when we have enough pennies saved and little cheap breaks away with hubby. 

Lots of hugs to you. Take care of yourself and hubby x


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Oh sweetheart     my sister is pregnant with no. 2 and even though it took her 3 years to conceive no. 2 I could not cope.  I made excuses not to attend first scan when I think she only invited me so I didn't feel left out.  Only way to cope is to be kind to yourself, be realistic, it will sting, but just like all stings it will heal with time.  Plan some nice stuff to treat yourself, hope plans to adopt work out sweety xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Stellbud

It's so hard to hear baby announcements isn't it, everyone on here will empathise with that, we've all been there - having to put on a fake smile and sound happy when inside you just feel as though you're being crushed!  I'm really sorry, I don't really have any advice on coping stategies, I wish I did.  Although like Mee Mee and Sabah have said, maybe planning some little weekend breaks away with your DH to try and distract you a little and give you something to look foward to would help, and also to be kind to yourself.  Don't be too harsh on yourself for not wanting to be around people, especially pregnant friends and relatives - that's perfectly normal!  I personally think it's a good idea to bail out of the Sunday announcement, I think it might be too much for you to cope with, sometimes (and I find this hard!) you just need to be selfish and think of yourself for once, and one of those times is now - do whatever you need to do, or not as the case may be.

I'm also in the process of trying to discuss DE treatment and adoption with my DH, but like your DH mine has been honest and said he has his doubts about both.  So any future discussions on this for me are going to be tricky to say the least.  So I totally understand where you're coming from and agree that life can be so unfair and I also feel upset and angry with it.

I also find coming on here either to read or post helps, if I'm at a loss, feeling alone or just need a rant, I come on here and always get some lovely supportive replies.  So maybe you can add that to your list of coping strategies as we all understand one another on here.

Take care and big    xxx


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## Stelbud (Feb 8, 2011)

Thank you so much for the responses. The irony is that we had just got back from a weekend away when we were hit with the news. Feel like we were making some progress then this.

I'm so sorry that we have to go through this, it just feels like I am surviving life and not living it and I don't know how I'll get past that.

Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot      

Stelbud xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I know that this is an old thread, and sorry for gatecrashing, but I have just been hit with this news. I so wish to be over the moon, yet all I wish to do is cry - for me - and perhaps run or just hide away. Such a selfish take on what should be such a joyous occasion.
And of course it happened at the drop of a hat.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi MMI, so sorry to hear that.  It's such a horrible time with so many mixed emotions    You want to feel happy for them but at the same time you feel totally crushed and hurt inside.  It's never an easy situation to deal with but as I said to Dogmammy above, you need to be selfish and look after yourself, do things only if you feel comfortable and on your own terms - ie you do the visiting so you can choose when you arrive, how long you stay and when you leave.  That kind of thing.  I can so relate to the running away and hiding, I have felt exactly the same    Take care of yourself


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Nosilab said:


> Hi MMI, so sorry to hear that. It's such a horrible time with so many mixed emotions  You want to feel happy for them but at the same time you feel totally crushed and hurt inside. It's never an easy situation to deal with but as I said to Dogmammy above, you need to be selfish and look after yourself, do things only if you feel comfortable and on your own terms - ie you do the visiting so you can choose when you arrive, how long you stay and when you leave. That kind of thing. I can so relate to the running away and hiding, I have felt exactly the same  Take care of yourself


Thank you nosalib for your kind words/advice. I feel so much more positive now and mixed emotions sums it up personally. I am so lucky to have such a supportive family who have been amazing. 
 Though of course you don't see that immediately when you cannot see the woods for the trees.

Sorry to hear that you feel your dreams maybe over. Easier said than done, I know, but I so hope that this may just be a case of your dreams adapting/modifying, with new avenues explored. Being new to the site, I do hope that this is not the wrong thing to say, when you have been trying for so long to fulfill your dreams.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi MMI, it's so lovely that you have a supportive family, very important    I hope you're right and that it's actually just a case of my dreams adapting, what ever path we take.  It's certainly not the wrong thing to say, you're just being caring and thoughtful


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

It's so hard atm, scan pics galore floating around... Every time that I think I've got my head 'more together', I feel like I've been knocked over by a lorry and its reversed over me for good measure. 

I wish them both well, just wish that it could have been at a slightly diffferent time, but that's pure selfishness.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

I know the feeling well MMI  

Sending big hugs   xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Nosilab said:


> I know the feeling well MMI
> 
> Sending big hugs  xx


Thank you Nosilab and I am so sad that others feel as wrenched as I do. 

Have decided that this issue is to close to the bone for my family, so think that I cannot really share these feelings anymore with them and am going to have to supposedly grin and bear it.... whilst battling with my own reasoning that I want the best for them still, accepting my head and heart are in a different place altogether and I don't wish to spoil their joy.


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