# Adoption seems an impossibility to us



## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

I'm just interested in your views.

We have a DS who's nearly 2 and are unlikely to have anymore children without ICSI - which we can't afford to fund privately.  We keep being told "why not just adopt?" and as I'm sure you'll all know, there isn't any "just" about adoption!  As far as I'm concerned, it would be an impossibility for us, as we'd never pass the tests and assessments.

The reasons being:

I had a confusing childhood, my parents were'nt married and my dad still lived with his wife, although carried on a relationship with my mum "on the side"!  My father is now dead and my mum is now elderly and infirm.  I should think that adoption agencies wouldn't consider this ideal.

DH had a very difficult childhood, with a selfish, immature mother who spent her whole life sleeping around and putting her numerous "men" before her kids.  He and his brother and sister were eventually taken into foster care for a while when he was 12.  When he was 19 and at college, as well as working to support her and his younger siblings, she threw him out of the house for another of her "men" and he ended up homeless.  As a result of this awful childhoos, he has issues with anger management and has, I'm afraid to say, hit me in the past.  When my Health Visitor found out that he had hit me, she sent Social Services round to us, and although they only visited once and took no further action (they could see there was nothing to worry about and we were not "dysfunctional" and our son was not in any danger of abuse or neglect) I guess the fact that they'd been to see us would exclude us from adoption, even though all this is behind us and we are working hard to build our own family.  Both his brother and sister have also been deeply affected by his mother's atrocious "parenting" - his younger brother ended up in prison for a while and his little sister has been self-harming.  We have very little to do with them as they all live 250 miles away and we see them only occasionally, but again, I think this would probably exclude us from adoption.

I've also suffered from depression in the past.

We've had problems with debt.

DH is also 10 years younger than me, and I imagine this would cause a problem.  We've been together 4 years.

I guess these factors would mean that we're not the sort of people Social Services would be looking for as adoptive parents, but I just thought I'd ask for your views before we definitely close the book on this.  We are blessed to have our lovely DS but I would have so loved him to have a brother or sister!


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## Scary987 (Oct 5, 2007)

Hi LadyMoonlight,

I didn't want to just read & run, sounds like you & DH have have an incredibly tough time. I can't judge how Social Services would react to your background/lifestyle but it wouldn't hurt to atleast enquire. On the positive side you both have first hand knowledge about a far from perfect start in life so can relate to any child in simiilar circumstances. The fact your DH has anger issues would almost certainly cause areas for discussion but you don't know unless you ask. These people are highly trained and will only do what's best for the children which I'm sure is what you want too. Atleast then you can't regret not finding out. 

Very best wishes & good luck for the future.

Scary x


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Scary

Obviously, yes we'd want what was best for the children.  Its frustrating as we ARE good parents, we know we are and so do others, our little boy is thriving and happy and confident!  And I know that, given we are unlikely to have anymore of our own, there are other children we could offer a loving and home to but I just feel that we don't fit the professional, high income, "perfect" sort of category which I assume most adoptive parents would be expected to fit into.  We're not perfect and we haven't had perfect lives, most particularly my DH whose childhood was incredibly rough (due to that godawful mother of his - some people REALLY should not have children!)

The fact that we haven't had great lives I feel makes us stronger - my DH is an INCREDIBLY strong person, he really is my rock in life.  He has a fantastic work ethic and nothing ever seems to grind him down, no matter how bad things gets, he copes.   I think thats actually a very positive part of parenting and he wouldn't be the person he is if it wasn't for his crappy childhood.  Plus having been through the care system himself he understands how these children will feel.  

We are working through his anger issues - he knows he has a problem and we are trying to identify his triggers and find him coping strategies.  We know where the problem stems from (his upbringing - he feels angry about his loss of childhood and the way his mother treated him) but sadly we can't go back and undo the damage that his mother did (and she did the same to all three of her children).  His younger brother, despite his messy upbringing and life to date, is a truly lovely young guy, very charming and intelligent, and is putting his experiences to good use as a counsellor for other young guys who find themselves on the wrong side of the law.

I feel that sometimes people who've had a tough time can be great parents because they've been there, done that and are able to understand how a child coming from an impoverished, neglectful or abusive background might feel, perhaps better than someone who's had a comfortable and priviledged life.  But I don't know if thats how SS see it . . .


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Couldn't read and run though not sure how much advice I can give.....

Firstly, your DH knows he has a problem and is doing something about it, that is a positive!  Has he tried councelling??  I think SS may want him to do that and anger management type course but if I were you I'd look at doing it before they suggest and then they can see how commited and serious you both are.

The fact you have a ds and he is happy and content again is another positive.

I don't really think your family background is a problem, you obviously understand it and hasn't lead you down the path of living 2 lives so to speak.

Your DH's background will definately be a topic for discussion and could be quite probing.  He will need to convince SS that he has been able to accept his past and the feelings related to it, that he has obviously learnt a great deal about 'how not to parent' and I would guess he would have great empathy for children in care as he has some experience of this.  

Depression is a very common illness, especially coupled with infertility, and I would think SS see a fair number of women and men who have both suffered in the past.  It is better that you have acknowledged and seeked help for the depression than ignored it, shows you can and will ask for help.  

My main advice to you is to phone round LAs and VAs, you may get a better response from VAs, within a 50 mile radius and be honest upfront.  They may want you to wait a bit longer as well as your ds isn't yet 2yrs and they tend to have a minimum age gap of 2yrs, though it can take more than a year to get to approval panel so it would again depend on the agency and what they say.

Don't give up, It sounds as though you could have a lot to offer a child less fortunate.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Love
OT x


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Thanks OT, that was very helpful.

Its not something we're looking into at the moment - in fact it would be another 2 years or so before we really think about it - for one thing I would prefer my DS to be a bit older - preferably at school - before we started to think about it, and for another, my DH isn't quite ready to "give up" yet and wants to carry on trying naturally for a while.  I've explained that I'm nearly 37 and by the time I get to 39 or 40, the chances of a natural pregnancy with his MF problems are pretty much zero 

(which has also been explained by our Fertility Consultant - he says ICSI is the only way to go and to be frank we can't afford to spend £4,500 on something with only a 20% chance of success!!  We have more pressing financial concerns like our mortgage, our son's future and renovating our house - we've had debt problems before and its not something I want to go back into, even for ICSI) 

and I think he knows that in his heart, but I feel that I'm further along in the "moving on" process than he is - I've pretty much accepted it won't happen again and yet he hasn't.  So its not something we could consider right now.  But its something that in a couple of years I would like to come back to - it give me a little bit of hope that maybe there is a way I will be able to be a mummy again and that DS will have a brother or a sister, I feel I've got so much love to give and a loving home waiting and it makes me sad to think of not being able to expand our family.

Its given me some hope that maybe we wouldn't be totally ineligible for adoption.  But as I've said I'm only making tentative enquiries at the moment, its not something we would want to do right away as I think the time's not quite right yet . . .


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## ShazJohn (Jul 29, 2008)

LadyMoonlight,

My DH had a far from ideal childhood where he had to look after his siglings as his DM prefered the men.  He is also 8 years younger than I am.  We have only been together 3 years and married 2 years.  We were approved last Nov but are still waiting to be matched and I believe the fact we have only been together 3 years has something to do with it.  But it can happen so please dont discount adoption.

ShazJohn x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Its frustrating as we ARE good parents, we know we are and so do others, our little boy is thriving and happy and confident! 

You said the above and surely that is the most important thing? In spite of all the awful problems you've had - which weren't of your own doing, you are being fantastic parents with a happy LO  . I could only hope that any social services department would take that into account. Even though social services were called to you in the past, no action was taken so I don't see how they could justify holding that against you, although understandably they will ask about it.

I would say it is definitely worth phoning and asking for the initial visit - you don't need to explain any of this on the phone. My understanding from the SS childrens teams I work with, is that you have a right to be assessed and taken to a panel for a decision. If your application isn't supported by social services then the panel may well not approve it either, but it isn't a done deal and you can ask to be assessed and considered.

For what its worth, I think you should. Having first hand experince of the care system, and successfully parenting now, could well make you ideal for adoption 

Good luck

Emma x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

if you told our agency that dh had hit you in the past that would automatically exclude you from adoption regardless of how things are now. it was almost the first question we were asked on our pre-apply visit. 

we are in Wales so i thought this may be helpful for you to know  

good luck with the future whatever you decide.....

ritz


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Thanks Ritzi, well I guess it was only a thought, we can put that one to bed now.  

Thanks for all the other replies, but it looks like we wouldn't be suitable because of our past problems.  I always thought as much but was just interested to hear others' experiences.





ShazJohn - yes DH's childhood was the same as your DH's - as a ten year old he'd have to come home from school, bathe and change his baby sister, feed her and put her to bed, cook tea for himself and his brother, clean the house and wash his and his brother's clothes for the next day before he even started on his homework. Very sad.


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hiya hun i would do what the others have said hun i would contact the adoption agency and ask for a chat im so sorry you have both had hard pasts hun but you can prove from ur son that you both are  doing a good job of bringing a child up,All agencys have different views on things I know that ritzi said that she is from wales and it was one of the first things they brought up but not all agencys are the same in wales, i guess what i am trying to say is you will never know until u approach the ss and get a initial visit and they can assess you all as a family, After all the only people that actually know if they would accept u is the sw !!
I wish u all the best for the future   love ebonie xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

No they most definitely are NOT all the same so please do contact them. As I said - it is only the panel that can decide if you are appropriate or not. I don't know if agencies are different xxx


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

I definetly do think u should contact them to hun


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi 

There is a list on the Adoption UK website regarding reasons why people may be excluded from adopting. The link to the information is below but I have also pasted the bits from the website which 'might' be relevant:-

I don't think you should take any of our words for it, I would speak to SS to get a definitive answer so at least you will know for sure....

The very best of luck  ...
Dame Edna

http://www.adoption.org.uk/information/could_I_adopt.html

*Why Your Application might not be straight forward*

You have a criminal conviction

Agency staff will be able to advise you how this might affect your application. If you have committed a criminal offence you will not, in most cases be excluded from applying. With the exception of some very serious offences the agency will consider the offence/s, the circumstances, and the likelihood of you offending in the future.

*Why Your Application might be rejected*

You have a criminal conviction for offences against children or another very serious offence.

If you feel that this might apply to you we would advise that you ask the Adoption Agency for confirmation that the offence excludes you from becoming an approved adopter. They will be able to tell you if the current legislation excludes you from adopting.

/links


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya ladym

i am by no means an expert but would like to give you my thoughts on stuff (if thats ok....) 

first of all -    - thats because i can imagine all the thoughts that are going on in your head at the mo. its horrible not knowing for def what something may involve.

with regard to you DH's anger issues, i think if he is seeking help for this then that can only be seen as a positive step. if your not going to be thinking about going down the adoption route for another few years, then that would put some time between incidents also.

dh's brother being in prison and his sister self harming - what ss may ask how much contact an adopted child would have with these people?

depression - i think alot of people have suffered some form of depression in the past so i wouldnt have thought that this would have been a big issue. you obvoously dealt with it and are very positive.same goes for the debt - you got out of it and would prob mean there is a stronger chance you woldnt let it happen again.

age issue - dont think this would be a prob either. u are married also which is a brucie bonus.  

i would suggest calling your LA and asking if a social worker could call out and see you and your DH. this would mean your speaking to a professional and they would be able to give you a better idea if you could proceed when and if you wished.  


keep your chin up and please keep us posted. x x x x x x


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