# Hating my body for its sudden changes! PCOS arrived & destroyed my chances



## Perfectlyflawed (Sep 18, 2011)

Hi all

I've been trying to conceive since a miscarriage early in 2010 and since then, nothing. I just got erratic cycles and was then diagnosed with PCOS which was a shock as I never had problems before. Seems the miscarriage triggered a hormone imbalancement that set off pcos.

My BMI has raised over the years....it was 29 at its worse but its 26 now so almost where it was before yet 100mg of clomid still couldn't get my ovaries to grow any follicles over 100mm so the current cycle has failed.
I've tried 50mg of clomid in 2010 that worked on round 1 then never worked on the following months. 100mg of clomid also never worked.

I've had 2 IVF cycles. Well, ICSI cycles due to DP retrograde ejaculation but that's sorted and last sperm count was normal in all areas.
Both IVF cycles resulted in less eggs than they expected. They expected me to overstimulate as I have pcos and many eggs apparently BUT it actually took me a long time to start growing follicles in their injectables they gave me for IVF and I'm a slow grower. They retrieved 6 eggs on round 1 and 2 on round 2.....2!!!!!

Both failed.

I'm now sat on my bed reevaluating my next steps. I was made redundant last year so I'm now considering returning to work but it means a new job starting in 3 weeks time. I work as a teacher so how will I juggle the hospital's morning scan appointments during treatments?
I'm so desperate to have a child with my fiancé that its consumed my life. He has taken on my children from my previous marriage but has no on his own & all I can think of is a baby with him. He's a desperate as I am so its become our everything. He's very supportive and says he will work for us happily if I want to concentrate on my body and fertility but I dorm know what more u can do.

I'm going to try and push for ovarian drilling. That scares me as how will it affect my job if I take it

ARGHHHHHHH! I feel like screaming because in torn in 2. In approaching my 30th birthday and I've been trying to conceive for almost 4 years yet nothing. I want nothing more but to achieve this last child and I'm frustrated. Why has it happened? Why has my body changed from the body that conceived easily as I came off contraceptives to being hard to stimulate to release an egg.

I know I'm rambling and there's no actual question here but all my friends and sisters are pregnant or just gave birth so no one understands. All I get is "at least you have your other children" like it makes the want for another any less. I look at my youngest child as she turns 7 and I remember her being in my tummy, holding her newborn body and watching her learn to walk and I want that! I want that again yet none of my friends or family seem to understand and act like I'm selfish.

I hate my body for doing this to me! I really do


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hi i noticed your post has no replies and didnt want to read and run. I cant help with the pcos part as i have different problems but can relate to your feelings of wanting a child with your partner. I have a 6 year old and im desperate for a baby with my partner as he as none, hes took on my son and im greatful for that but id love a naby with him it makes me feel guilty i cant give that to hin without us shelling out thousends. As for the pregnant people ect its awful my partners brother and his gf is due to have a baby in a week and im dreading it im not doing to well with it all. Ive now started to see a councellor which is helping alot. No one can understand cause they arnt going through it so we feel alone but this site is a great help you can rant as much as you like here, good luck xx


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## Perfectlyflawed (Sep 18, 2011)

Hi Tinkerbell

Thanks you replying

How you feel is EXACTLY how I feel! Guilty about being unable to complete my family/provide my partner with the chance to experience pregnancy,birth and a baby AND jealous of those having babies around me.

I've been vocal about ttc with those close to me but I'm bro sure what help its actually had. I mean, over the 3 years of being with the fertility clinic I've had to watch my best friend go through a pregnancy, have a baby, raise it, complain that she has no 'baby' now that's she turned 2 and literally just announce her 4th pregnancy last week. I've also seen my sister begin ttc and fall pregnant within 6 months and I was there for the birth for my niece the day before finding out my first IVF failed and now that sisters ttc again.

I know its not healthy and I am happy for them but I can't help but feel so bitter every time someone announces pregnancy. 

What make it difficult is the views of those that are pregnant. My friend and sister say "at least you have a child. If your partner loves you then be wouldn't care if you don't get to have one. He obviously can't see your child as his if he's craving his own biological child". They don't see it isn't him but the guilt that I have that is the issue. The need that I have. I mean, they're all into their 3rd and 4th babies & complaining because their child is 1 or 2 years old so imagine if they were risk they would never have anymore? They would be notified. Then add the fact that my partner hasn't fathered a child yet and it's an exaggerated version of that scenario.

Has counselling helped?
What did they do?
X


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Youve had it rough and how amazing you managed to find the courage to be there for the birth of your sisters baby i congratulate you on that because i couldn't do it. Your not alone in any of this all the feelings you have i have to. People dont understand they just see it as you have a child already, ive also had the 'if he didnt love you he wouldnt be with you scenario' my partners brothers gf has gone into labour and my mil decided to tell us yesterday, we both smiled and she went quite funny saying 'at the end of the day this child is blood' i felt like she was hinting at my son though sees normally loving towards him as my partners bought him up. I havnt spoken to my partner about it cause i dont want to cause trouble. I understand its her biological grandchild but how he spoke was out of order. 
The way i got into going counselling was i went to gp completely unrelated to fertility and i burst out crying, i explained i have no one to talk to and she put me through to a councillor the first session was a questionnaire to see how im feeling and explain in depth what's happend its helped so far. They help you to become a positive person because ive become very negative because everytime i think something good will happen it turns out bad so i find it hard to become positive about things. Im the kind of person to smile when someone's announces a pregnancy but as soon as i go home i wait for my partner go work or ill go take a bath just to cry because i dont want my partner to see me as crying all the time i think councelling will help you and your not alone x


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Hi, have you tried metformin?  It has good results for regulating cycles and for women with pcos.  You need to get it via your consultant, most gp's will not prescribe it

I used the clearblue fertility monitor with amazing results.

I see in your sig there is retrograde ejaculation, I don't know what that is, sorry

Good luck, it is a hard road

Strawbs xx


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## Perfectlyflawed (Sep 18, 2011)

Hi ladies

*Strawbs* I'm on 500mg of Metformin 3x a day. I have to admit, I haven't been great at taking it until about 3 months ago. My GP won't prescribe it to me as it isn't a drug prescribed for PCOS so I have to go to my fertility clinic monthly just to get some which is frustrating.
Retrograde ejaculation is a common problem for type 1 diabetic men. It's where the muscles to the bladder spasm and don't close fully during ejaculation so sperm end up going into the bladder and only part comes out. My partner is hit and miss with that BUT we have found treatment to fix that problem lol decongestants on a high dose for few days before works. His last sample was perfect so its now getting me to ovulate

I just find the whole thing frustrating. I don't fully understand what's going on with my body. My consultant said my pcos isn't as bad as everyone makes out as my hormones aren't too bad. I asked what the issue is then and he said that my AMH is really high and I have ovaries like raspberries instead of smooth like a chickens egg. I've lost 1st4lbs in 5 weeks so my BMI is 25 which has left my consultant confused as to why my ovaries are being so stubborn

I saw him on Wednesday and he said he doesn't like ovarian drilling as it damages some of the ovary so wants me to try letrozole before we think of ovarian drilling.

Hope you're both well.
As you can tell, I'm trying to be a bit more optimistic LOL


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Hi, I had ovarian drilling with some success, it regulated my cycles a bit, but throwing everything into it I am never sure what worked!! All I know for me is a full term preg, then the cbfm, metformin and steroids seems to have been my cure

Strawbs xx


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## annielondon2009 (Nov 13, 2013)

I know how you feel also! Its horrible when your body just changed just like that...no one ever told me about this! I'm in the same situation. Desp want a sister for my DS but time is ticking along and now thinking investigations will take up alot of time and money and time is running low!

I hope you feel better knowing there are other people like this but most of all I hope something clicks in to place and you get a BFP soon xx


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