# What a roller coaster so far



## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hello there,

I wanted to share my story so far and see if anyone else has had similar experiences with positive outcomes.

This is our final chance and its been rather emotional so far.

I did not respond to stimulation very well... 1 follicle by day 10 but my lining was shedding.  There was little hope.  By day 15 we suddenly had 7 and my lining had got a little thicker.  
At egg retrieval they managed to get 5 follicles and 4 of those were eggs which they were happy about.  It was a intense procedure and they poked around more than usual.  I was in severe pain throughout the night almost heading to a&e.  I got perhaps an hours sleep.  I am on ALOT of progesterone (an injection, crinone gel and 2 pessaries)which made the cramping intolerable.  In the morning we received a call from the embryologist telling us that NONE of the eggs had fertilsed but there was one egg that 'may develop'.  After years of false hope my partner pushed the embryologist, who was very kind and sweet, to give us their honest opinion.  She told us that she had seen it herself and her honest opinion was that it was not fertilising, it was just the shape of the egg.  They did not believe it would fertilise and booked me in to discuss future options with our consultant.
Our hearts were broken and the next 24 hours were the emptiest and most chaotic that I have experienced, not to even have the chance seems so cruel on a last cycle.  Our knee jerk reaction was to call my family and ask to borrow money for another chance, which was not an option.  We then decided to sell things that we didnt need to make the money...all through desperation  We have 2 beautiful bikes and decided we would sell them.  But...to add to our disappointing day, while we were absorbing the information about the embryos, some thug was outside our house stealing one of the bikes!  It felt like the whole world was against us!  We received some other difficult news in the afternoon and it seemed that if something could go wrong, it was all going to happen then.

Somehow we managed to get through the night, I without thinking had a shower in the evening with non perfumed soap, as I have before every transfer, this then made me sad as it reminded me of what we were missing out on.  In the morning we headed upto the hospital in silence, only speaking to say how numb we were.  We got to the waiting room and it all became overwhelming, sitting between all those people filled with hope and excitement knowing we were going in to end our journey. I lost control and cried in the waiting room.  When the nurse called us I was fighting my tears, she gave me a 'knowing smile' and i burst into tears again.  Before we got to the consult room she said, dont be sad , you have to stay hopeful, I was just about to growl at her when she told me they were putting one back in!!

We were in shock, we were told 99% it was over. the embryologist was convinced there was no fertilisation. Instead of turning left into the consult room, we turned right in to the transfer room!  The embryologist and nurse said that they were all shocked to see it develop and were all very excited as it is very rare in their experience.  It may not be the best cleavage but they said it was a slow split and was of decent quality.  At this point we are beyond delighted as anything is better than nothing.  On every other transfer we have walked out feeling a little disappointed with grade A embryos, the nerves kick in I guess but my lining is usually very thin and sheds.  This time probably because we went in with nothing we walked out over the moon with a 2cell embryo.  We had said the night before that if a miracle happened and magically something was there, then it was a little fighter.  Luck has never shone down on us before so we are taking what we can get.  We are being realistic as we know 2 cell is not the greatest and previously we fertilised plenty of eggs but they never survived.  So we are prepared this time.  My lining is the healthiest they have managed 12mm and with the progesterone they are hopeful it will stay stronger for longer this time.  Im on clexane and asprin aswell to thin the blood and manage blood flow and a crazy time scheduled diet to reduce gas and constipation( hmmm, with this much progesterone nothing will prevent the gas).

Anyway, whilst I know this is a long post I wanted to share my story so far, partly to impart that little hope for people who receive the same kind of phonecall I received and also in hope that anyone with a 2cell 2 day transfer can share their experience too.  

Wishing everyone luck and heres to taking it day by day....xx


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

Wow worzelbug, it really is a never ending rollercoaster isn't it!

I really really hope your little fighter is the one - will certainly be a heck of a story to tell the grandchildren!

Our situations may not be the same but I think we've probably had many of the same feelings - and on a day when I really needed it you have given me faith that even the most unlikely situations can become good ones.  Thankyou so much for that and fingers crossed for you xx


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## AngelJo (Jun 20, 2012)

Wow worzelbug just read that updated post and see u still have everything to play for!! Ignore my last post and here's hoping for your bfp!! X


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi Worzelbug,

Sheilaweb, one of the FF volunteers had a 2 day 2 cell embryo transferred and her DD has just turned 3!

Less isnt always more honey lots of 

Donna


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Worzelbug - that little 2 celled embie of yours is already a fighter. 

We always knew it was going to be hit and miss as to how 'accessible' some of my follies would be at EC, as one of my ovaries is very high up - and going through icsi at the first time at the age of 39 - every statistic was against us....even my husband had a zero sperm count and was diagnosed with non obstructive azoospermia 2 years before we embarked on treatment - but we had a sperm donor lined up - but I hoped against hope that by some miracle the months on multivitamins would give us one, just one little sperm that could be used.

Bearing in mind I usually have a very high pain threshold, (when I had my HSG done, the balloon burst during the procedure and the nurse commented that she was surprised I hadn't passed out with the pain!) but when the nurse said she wanted to try and access my high ovary, I told her to go for it...and I did eventually pass out with the pain.

When I came to, the nurse told me there and then that "next time you need EC, you'll have to be admitted to hospital for a GA" - bearing in mind I struggled badly during treatment (I wasn't in any immediate hurry to go through EC again). 

All in all we managed 4 eggs, not a great return on my efforts.... but 4 gave us a fighting chance - and each of our eggs had a 70% chance of fertilizing.

I was shaking making the call the following day to see how many had fertilized... not what we'd ever envisage doing on our 15th wedding anniversary!!!  Of my 4 eggs, only 1 fertilized - I was heartbroken.... as my chances were slipping through my fingers and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Next day we packed the car for our long weekend away to celebrate our anniversary and being Pupo - and so we dutifully turned up for ET...although it was a 2 day transfer (which is all my clinic offered then, they now do blasts) 
they put our embryo on the screen for us to see and I just gasped with tears rolling down my cheeks -"oh look luv, there's our baby" and one of the nurses in the room rolled her eyes to the heavens.  Emma the embryologist made some remark that she'd have expected at least 4 cells by now, and called my 'baby' LAZY.... and I thought then and there, right, this bairn ain't gonna be called Emma !!!  I was immediately in love.  And to cap it all, hubby had gone from zero to hero - with a count of 1 million, my 'jaffa' (his words not mine!) created our baby.

Too terrified to sneeze or cough, we clambered into the car and headed off to completely get away from it all - I text everyone that we were pupo with our 1 and only embie and every text message "that it only takes one" just cut me up more, and I sat in tears and turned off my phone....

when we got to our destination the markets and shops were crowded, and I remember vividly 'cushioning and protecting' my tummy from any bashes.... then and there I vowed to enjoy my pregnancy for as long as it was meant to last...

...we visited every church and lit a candle for our precious little tictac and prayed she'd stay with us....

I suffered terribly with cramps and ended up doing my home pregnancy test earlier than my clinic advised.... it was negative.  I have to say, I wasn't as 'down' as I'd have expected after such a journey - I'd done everything possible to make this work - if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.

On the morning before otd, hubby handed me a pee stick - a clearblue digital one that announces from the rooftop that you're a complete failure as a woman (well thats how it makes you feel)... so I peed on it, and crawled back to bed - I didn't want to see those two little words - NOT PREGNANT.

Fully expecting a hug of consolation moments later - nope I got a sharp prod in the back - we're pregnant - YES we were.... 1-2 weeks.

My daughters due date was the day before my 40th birthday - and I couldn't have wished for a better gift... my daughter was a miracle sent from heaven - she is my world, and my world revolves around making her happy.

Sorry for the L O N G post, but as you can see, I remember it like it was yesterday - and I probably love and appreciate her all the more after the struggle we had to have her.

My LAZY 2 celled Tictac has just celebrated her 3 birthday - she barely sits still for a minute and her mouth never stops and I couldn't be happier.

Success stories like mine kept me going through some very tough days over the years and miracles only ever happened to strangers....hope my story/ramblings give you hope - those 2 celled embies might be little but boy are they big fighters. 

Love and best wishes to everyone still on that rollercoaster - hoping soo much you get your miracle too xxx

Sheila


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hello,

I have been trying to stay off here for a few days to stop me obsessing but obviously this is not working!
Thanks for the lovely messages.

Dudders- where are you upto now? x

Shielaweb- that's an incredible story and I wont lie I got quite emotional reading it as I really feel the journey you went through.  It really does bring hope, thank you so much for taking the time to share it.  I was given a picture of the scan this time, never happened on my previous transfers and I have been looking at it thinking this could be it.  I can only imagine how blessed you must feel every day.  xx  

I have to admit the nerves are now taking over.  Im now on day 5 of the transfer(i never know whether to include the actual day of transfer but I have as it was a 10am transfer).    I have had period like pains on and off every day and a twinging, stabbing pain 'down there'.  This morning I woke up at 6am feeling very achy down there as though my period would start soon.  I am on a high dose of progesterone, 400 cyclogest, 1.25 crinone and prontogest.  I have had little in the way of side effects which has confused me as on my first cycle i was on much less and was victim to ALL the side effects.  This time Im not even suffering constipation(tmi sorry) but I really suffer on these drugs.  I went to the loo a few minutes ago and the discharge from the cyclogest came out, there was a little clump of the wax that was slightly pink, noticeable, but very pale.  Im not convinced it is implantation as its only a 2 cell, 2 day transfer.  My ovaries have mild cramping/shooting pains in them.  I am now scared to put more pessaries in or the gel(I have to do them vaginally, back door is not an option for health reasons), Im too scared of what I will find when doing them, obviously I will keep going but this wave of sadness and familiar defeat is starting to get the better of me.  The cliche of the 2ww being the longest 2 weeks really is fitting.  I still have 9 days to go before testing and I already cant bare it.  What was it I said about being realistic and being prepared? That went right out of the window and I had mentally shared the good news, decorated the room, lived out scenarios that would occur between me and my unborn...Yes, I went from calm, logical and well reasoned to a crazed relentless desperate maniac!  
xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Going through the heartache of infertility and the stresses (both physically and emotionally) of treatment, it really does send us crazy... there is soo much pressure on us to succeed as we don't get many chances... but we're our own worst ememy - putting soo much pressure on ourselves.

It was hard to relax during the 2ww - although by the time we got back from our long weekend, I was already on day 5 - it was just as well those first few days went flashing by - the closer I got to otd, the more loopy I got - and as you say turned into a 'maniac' - doing everything I vowed I wouldn't do - I even had a spreadsheet of good and bad symptoms - twinges and cramping being very regular... and towards the end (sorry tmi alert!!!) sicky burps. 

I read icsi diaries from other ladies who had gone through icsi, googling early pregnancy symptoms, checking my boobs for changes in size, shape, colour, veins, and the knicker checking - OMG I became obsessed....but I suppose these are all natural and the urge to constantly check - I'd have happily sat on a commode at my desk - I was such a regular to the loo. 

But you really need to try and have some YOU time, I had Reiki sessions to keep me calm and grounded, relaxation cd's, warm bubble baths with smelly candles.... lots of gentle walks, trips to the cinema, shopping ANYTHING that would cause a 'distraction' because hand on heart the outcome of that 2ww is all consuming - every second of every day.  I bought the zita west cd which I found great for visualisations, plus I also bought a fertility spell from ebay - ANYTHING to give my 'positive energies' a channel and a boost.  

I did get tired quite a bit, probably from all the early morning stabbings, and luckily for me, I work flexi, so i could finish at 4 and nip home for a Nanna Nap.

I wouldn't wish this awful rollercoaster on anyone, but for everyone on this scary ride, I hope it's a happy ride by the end of it.... 

Sending bucketfuls of      and


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## Gremlinn (Apr 11, 2012)

Worzelbug.    good luck hun.  I wish you all the luck in the world xx


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hi shielaweb, I keep popping on to read your posts, they have been the little push I need to get through this.  Thank you so much. So far no more pink discharge..I do a little 'still' dance each time to celebrate.  Last time I only made it to day 7, so I'm setting my target to beat that. I'm craving a bath, but my nurse told me to hold off for 2weeks as I'm using so many downstairs meds and they don't want anything washing it out....never felt so yucky. 

I have to say the clinic have really run me through the mill but the nurse I have has been consistent and very helpful.  Usually they are so generic and ill informed but this time when I called, she knew who I was and all my meds and even guessed what my query was! It's only a small thing but makes all the difference.

Gremlinn, thanks for your kind words.  

To anyone hoping for a BFP....good luck. I'm going to keep updating as I know now myself looking for specific stories that relate is trying and when you do find them, often there is no update and we are left wondering how things turned out, especially with low grade or slow split embryos. 

xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

worzelbug, just get to day 7 and then set yourself a new target - get to double figures - all you can do is take each day as it comes - I had warm baths as I was only on cyclogest.... some wet wipes might make you feel a bit more human - there's nothing worse than feeling yukky... just make sure they don't have any extra additives...or pure baby wipes, you never know they (fingers and toes crossed) may well come in handy!

Best wishes
Sheila


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hello,

I thought I would add a little update.  
I made it past day 7, only to figure out it was actually day 8 that it went wrong last time.  However, I am on day 8 and so far its kind of going OK.    I am a little anxious though.  For the past 2 nights I have woken up around 5am with insane aching in my abdomen and a rush of nausea(nausea passes as quick as it comes), the pain in abdomen is a very heavy af pain that keeps me awake for an hour or so and then passes, as it passes I actually feel incredibly well( a little like a sedative is kicking in, very odd).  I have throbbing 'down there' most of the time and I had a teeny hint of peach/pink staining mixed in to my pessary discharge when I wipe(gross I know sorry), again it was barely there as before but noticeable to me as I guess I am looking for it.  Its making me very nervous.  My ovaries are twitching and  my abdomen feels heavy like af along with slight back ache and I feel generally a little weary but not enough to snooze.  One thing that is odd and I think is just from the cyclogest is that I am getting wind like pains in my shoulders, not much but every now and again.  I have no symptoms that mimic pregnancy.(i was pregnant many moons ago), just af.  
Its now the 2nd week of the 2ww and every twinge, every movement down there is causing more stress and anxiety than ever before and as this is only a 2cell embryo I thought I could remain a lot more rational. Hmmm why do I convince myself I can take this in my stride.


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Just popping by to send                    and  for the 2nd week of your 2ww


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank-you.x

Not feeling so great today. After a good day yesterday, almost symptom free. I struggled to sleep last night. Managed an hour or so after 4amish. Never woke with abdominal pains at 5 but was woken after a snooze at 9.30am with ovary pain.  Went to loo and there is a teeny hint of colour in the pessary discharge. Shooting pains 'down there' again.  Feel so tired and low and terrified. The further in we get, the harder it gets.  Just need to pull myself together. Sigh. x


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hello,
Just a quick update. Bad day yesterday, messed up meds, ended up having to do an extra crinone. Slept for an hour in evening, not like me.  Constipated but after lots of water felt better.  Had uterine contraction when went to loo. Didn't sleep well. Still awake at 3.30am. Woke at 7 for meds snoozed again but woke to a very uneventful orgasm(sorry for detail). No naughty dream. Infact I was dreaming I had got a BFP. I'm very sad today. I've been woken by orgasms in each cycle and within a day or so AF has reared it's head. I'm cramping and have shooting pains down there.  Never made it this far before and clinging to hope but its fading.


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Worzel - I had cramping & shooting pains with my bfp. Can't wait to read your otd update, got absoloutley everything crossed for you xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

I had really bad cramping and was terrified AF was on the way, tested early, got a BFN, hubby persuaded me to do another one the following day and it changed to a positive..... hang on in there hunnie, you're doing great.... try not to be too hard on yourself.

Hugs
Sheila


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hello,

Another update.  Absolutely devastated.. had a very bad night last night, could not sleep.  Been terribly constipated and left me uncomfortable and in pain last night.  Woke this morning to put pessary in, noticed my cervix was so low I could barely push it in and was uncomfortable.  Knew then there was a problem.  Managed to get some sleep but just went to the loo and there was a large amount of brown discharge when I wiped.  In fairness I have not had a single pregnancy symptom or symptom of progesterone except a little constipation.  No breast pain or fullness, in fact it seems to do the opposite, no hot flushes, nothing.  I'm devastated, I know people will tell me to remain hopeful but I have been here before, I know how the story ends for me.  I am not one of those lucky people that is convinced its all over and then gets the surprise of being wrong.  I had brown discharge a few days ago and was told it could be implantation by the nurse.  I started to believe this as i had nothing more but now Im getting more days apart its highly unlikely its implantation.    This time it was a big blob of it not just a hint in the discharge, I cried out so loud that my partner ran in on me and saw it and he just went to the floor.  We decided not to test this time as we thought it would bring bad luck but now all I want to do is get a test and give myself closure. Now we will go through the rigmarole of checking each time  go to the loo and if there is no discharge we will celebrate in some warped attempt to hold on to nothing and if there is some we will break down further still pleading that there is hope....There isnt, it was a 2c cell 2 day embryo.  I cant seem to cry right now, Im just i a state of hollow misery.  I dont know what to do with myself now.  I feel very alone.


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Worzel - I hate to say but you could be wrong. my implantation bleed was on one day then nothing more at all then again 4 days later (you can check my posts on here from early December when I was on the 2 week wait, I posted a few times about it) if you think about it, if it was your period it would just come! not come in dribs & drabs xx


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Thanks IVFmamma, its good to hear your story,  I really hope you are right, however I have been here twice before and its pretty similar....A few days of occasional spotting, only to hope its implantation and then just as I relax AF comes at full force.  Unfortunately for me my periods do actually come in dribs and drabs too.  I can sometimes get upto 7 days of spotting on and off before anything comes full force.  I also have a very short cycle these days 16-18 days.  I am struggling to stay positive and have spent the whole day looking for anything to give me hope.    I am off to my dr for an appointment this afternoon, my gp has been very supportive and phoned to check in on me and booked apps to have some one on one time, she recognises the stresses of IVF and makes sure her patients get extra tlc while going through this.  I have to admit that today I am very grateful for this.  xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Sorry to ask, but could this 'discharge' be a result of all the drugs you're currently taking to help embie get comfy, especially common if you're inserting pessaries via the vagina rather than rectally.??!  I always inserted my pessary vaginally, and went to bed with a pad, there was always something there in the morning either when I wiped, or on the pad itself.

Maybe you're concentrating on symptom spotting for another failed attempt.... my first icsi worked and I had none of the symptoms you're looking for, no hot flushes, no breast fullness, I did have breast pain but that was more to do with the cyclogest pessaries than to do with early pregnancy symptoms - maybe because of the cocktail of drugs your clinic have you on, your symptoms may be masked / by other medication.    

I know it's hard, but it's really not over yet hun. - hugs
Sheila


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hi Sheilaweb,

I saw my gp last night and finally had a little cry about how I was feeling, she has been amazing and likes to keep an eye on me as I have struggled tremendously with each cycle.  I explained all my symptoms and she is a very practical dr, she knows that I dont respond well to false hope but she also put me in my place suggesting that I am always trying to prepare for the worst and looking for answers before the questions can be asked.  
With regards to my discharge she was quite funny really, she gave me her honest opinion and said it could be:
-implantation, she has known people to have discharge over a couple of days.
-af, sometimes it shows early and with endometriosis can start with old blood. Pessaries can hold it off but it can fight its way through slowly.
-Pessary inflamation, so many drugs going up there that its getting irritated.
-Old blood from either ER or ET that is struggling to pass with all the pessaries.

I wasnt expecting her to throw a list at me and when I cried again asking how I am meant to process all this she said we cant and there are no answers at the moment.  It could be any of those reasons and I guess I have to decide which one will help me get through the next 2 days. 



I am having the most incredible pain central to my abdomen, I thought it was related to constipation or my cervix feeling tender but it didnt hurt when I used my last applicator for crinone and it didnt pass when I went to the loo?  The pain is very uncomfortable and feels like there is a knife dangling inside me and when I move it stabs in to my abdomen, I cannot lift my left leg up(climb stairs) as it causes a stabbing pain in my tummy and when I sit on the floor the same happens, again when I turn over in bed I can feel it too.  The other thing that was weird and I know this is stepping over the boundaries of 'over sharing' but usually when I put the cyclogest in, I have to push it in quite far and it always feels very dry and there is always crumbly dry bits of the drugs, it makes me feel a little sick.  This morning as I prepared myself for the horrid experience I was greeted with watery discharge?  Which I have been having on and off for the past 2 days but odd to be present in the morning so far?  The other thing that is driving me crazy is the backache!  The past 2 days the lower central area of my back has been really achy, I feel like an old women holding on to my back and my lower abdomen everytime I walk around!!


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Thought I would do my final update before testing tomorrow.  Sick with nerves.

Had a little better sleep last night but not much.  Woke up with crazy af symptoms this morning, heavy abdomen, that water retention feeling!  Had odd feelings 'down there' tried to ignore it and went back to sleep.  Crazy constipated but managing.  Had discharge with a teeny teeny hint of pink in it this morning(Barely visible) which has made me feel very nervous as I havent had that so far, had all sorts of other discharge but not this.  I am throbbing 'down there' and having a lot of watery discharge(gross I know)and cant seem to find any BFP stories with this so feeling very sad as I am convinced af is being held back by the progesterone but trying its hardest to show its face.....Ive never been so desperate to be wrong in my life.  
I read other people posting on here and see how people test early, I wish I had the nerve as I would atleast be prepared for phoning in for the results, on previous visits, I envy all the brave ladies on here.  I have only dared to test once the bleeding kicks in, in some vain hope that I am still pregnant.  Oh sigh the nerves are really kicking in.  Anyway, I guess this time tomorrow I will know one way or another and this will have been a crazy journey either way....Bring on tomorrow...


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## Doobra (Nov 15, 2011)

Hello there, I have just been reading ur posts.i completely understand that u r very nervous and anxious, I am also testing tomorrow and have been sooooooo tempted to test early but thankfully I have a husband that has held me back( thank fully) good luck xxxxx


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Doobra -Good luck for tomorrow dear... Hope our dreams come true.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Thinking of you lovely ladies testing today x 
Sheila


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Thinking of you this morning       Xxxxxxx


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Hope you got the result you deserve worzel & you too doobra x


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## worzelbug (Jun 13, 2010)

Hi,

Just got the results and I am not pregnant.  My heart is broken.  This was our final chance.  I cannot think even a minute ahead at the moment.  I have been told to prepare for the most painful period of my life as I come off all the drugs, so I cant even escape the pain from any angle.  I just wanted to update so anyone looking for answers that may find this thread can see an end result and I am sorry for anyone looking for hope that my story cannot help you.  Good luck to all those out there, just because my dreams didnt come true doesnt mean yours wont, I have a very complicated health history which plays  huge part in the success or failure of this for me.

xx


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

So so so sorry, I really hoped for different news for you


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Oh Worelbug, I'm truly devastated for you hun, I was really hopeful for you this time around - sending huge hugs x
Sheila


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi Worzelbug

So very sorry 

 

Donna


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Worzel - I'm so very sorry, I genuinely am, my heart is aching for you hun  x


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