# 'Feeling different'



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi
I had an interesting conversation with my mum over the weekend. My mum has cerebral palsy and has always been a tough cookie and always has a smile on her face.
On saturday she was mugged and felt very vulnerable...the usual we never expect it to happen to ourselves. She felt quite emotional over the weekend and her statement to me was 'She has always felt on the outside'.
In a strange way i knew where she was coming from? although i am able to get up and go where i want, however she is now limited. She cannot do what she sees as the 'norm' to go out and do whatever she wants because of her disability. We then started chatting even more and we both come to some sort of understanding. I pointed out that not having children can also set you apart. Set you a part from your peers, not going to do the school run and doing the general things that most families do. So that has left me with different restrictions. So i also have had to follow a new path that sets me apart from the rest of the 'norm'. Don't get me wrong i wouldn't swap my life to be in a wheelchair and the life my mum has had. But i now have had a taste of it and understand if you feel different and you are the outsider looking in.
But i did realise we cannot control our health or our reproductive system, these things are all out of our control. So why do we blame ourselves?What i do know is the ability to understand the depth of where my mum was coming from (although two different situations) and its impact on people pychologically is hard. But it is about everyones individual journey and they are pretty crappy for alot people...i suppose its about getting up each morning and finding something that makes you smile and what you have got. I know i sound like i am on my soap box, because i am not very good at looking at the brightside..but there are some pretty crappy things to deal with out there...
Oh by the way my mum felt more sad for me and my hubby than the other way round...that takes a special person who has been on a similiar path of feeling different..
I just wanted to get this off my chest..
love astridxx


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## Guest (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Astird,
Well said, brought a   to my eyes xxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Astrid
Oh my god, I'm so sorry your mum was mugged - that is truly  truly awful. There are some total sh*ts out there - what possesses people to attack other people  . I'm so sorry

At the same time, how amazing that you were able to connect with her in such a powerful and wonderful way. It sounds like things have been so difficult and yet so healing? You are 100% correct in saying that one's health (including reproductive) is totally out of our control - it's so frustrating...but  in a funny way, you saying that has helped me realise that very fact - it's out of our control...

Sending you lots of love xxxxx

ps thank you for the PM x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Astrid,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum being muggged. Wordless almost, which is unusual for me.

But now I know where some of your strong spirit comes from. You are both amazing! 

I really understand where you are coming fom when you talk about how "being different" actually can connect those of us who are a bit "outside," even when the challenges we have faced are not the same. I had moments like that this weekend and post on that later.

Hope your mum is feeling better. If it feels appropriate, tell her your friends are wishing her well.

Love

Jq xxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Astrid, 

I would echo what others have said about how crappy it is that your mum got mugged - I don't get this world / society / country sometimes, I really don't. 

You said something that really stood out for me... "i suppose its about getting up each morning and finding something that makes you smile and what you have got." This IS what it is all about. For me, life is now about finding meaning, making it meaningful and purposeful, and believing that despite everything, I can have a fulfilling existence. This has to be for me what I hold onto, otherwise, why are we bothering to even be here? For me there is something deeply ironic but also beautiful in the fact that I have never been exposed to such sisterhood and generosity of spirit as I have during my battle with infertility. May the universe bless the internet, that's what I say.....!

I'm putting a hug for you and your mum on the next train to paddington, and making sure it's got a tube ticket......

Big luv, 


MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Astrid, your poor mum, and poor you too, you must have felt sick to the pit of your stomach when you heard what had happened to her... there are some right b*stds out there in the world today    

You say your mum is a tough cookie but I think you are a chip off the old block too hon - you are not afraid to stand up for yourself, and I have seen you become more and more empowered over the time I have spent here - like mother like daughter perhaps? 

I think you're bang on about losing touch with your peers etc. IF does put a strain on every single relationship, and its often inevitable we will end up going our own way compared to friends doing the school run, the birthday party stuff, all things family etc. One of my friends who is a parent says that when you have kids you live your life according to the school calendar - including your social side of things too - I never thought of it that way!  

Who wants to be in the same mould as everyone else anyway? I know I don't - heres me sticking up my two fingers in adversity to those who would try and have us all believe we need to be the same as them!

Sending you massive hugs matey, you are one in a million... I really hope your mum is ok, that must have been such a shock for her and you...
Lots of love
Emcee xxxxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

"Who wants to be in the same mould as everyone else anyway? I know I don't - heres me sticking up my two fingers in adversity to those who would try and have us all believe we need to be the same as them!"

here here emcee, well said - _*'Vive la difference'*_


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear Astrid,

Just to say I hope your mum is ok after such a horrible experience. What on earth is wrong with people that they can feel so little for another human being? Lots of love to her and to you, and thank you for your wise words about feeling different, which had me nodding along in agreement as I read your post. Really got me thinking.

Much love, B xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hope your mum is ok.My mum now kives on her own since my youngest sister moved out(she and dad separated a long time) and i sometimes worry about that too.I am glad you and your mum had a good chat and talked about how you felt.Can only be a good thing x


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Astrid

Your poor mum - what a shock for both of you.  I hope she is feeling a bit better today and after talking to you.  It sounded like this horrible event got you talking and brought you closer....

As for 'feeling different' ...... well, the world would be pretty boring if we were all the same wouldn't it!  Anyway, one thing is for certain, nobody needs to feel 'different' when they come on here!

Love to your mum Astrid
pipkin x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Ah thankyou so much for all your well wishes! they brought a tear to my eyes  

Its strange when things like this happen it brings home what is important in life...Hey i like the different bit, i think you are right Emcee and Pipkin...who wants to be the same.. Sometimes when crisis are thrown at you, you begin to explore yourself. It works out in the long run, that there are so many positive things you do like about yourself...and that you are a person that feels more comfortable in your own skin....eventually we do reap the benefits...

lots of love astridxx
p,s i am sure my spelling is getting worse...so that is one thing i didn't improve on ...oh well!!


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Astrid, I hope your Mum is feeling better - what an awful experience.
It sounded like you had a great conversation with her. Now we all know where you get you strength from!

Feeling different is funny. As I've said before I met my husband when I was in my late 30's so up until then I had always felt that I was on the outside looking in. As well as being delighted at meeting this amazing man when i met Al there was also this feeling of "finally I'm in the club". It meant I had someone to take to work do's, someone to cuddle at the movies. It's the simple day to day things that matter the most. So it is with infertility. I bet we would all give anything to do the school run! (even though the green bit of me despises all these women in their big gas guzzling 4 wheel drives dropping their kids off at school - bet it would be much better for little Henry and Sarah to walk!!  )

But hey, I thing the "club" we belong to here is pretty good. The other thing with 
with belonging to this different club is that it gives us great empathy with others who are outside the norms - like with you Astrid and your Mum.

Thinking of you all as always
Lots love Joanne


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Joanne
Thankyou for your lovely reply...What we take for granted things such as marriage and children does not always happen for alot of people. As you pointed out when you meet someone that you care about, you are finally part of something for once...then the added issue of IF just highlights the differentness. However i was thinking today i have felt alittle different for most of my life. I was never interested in houses and furniture, so that kept me on the sidelines for a longtime. I never had a passion for marriage and could take it or live it, that made me feel different. Then i look at families going shopping etc and that bores me stiff and i am not sure that is me either. I think what i am coming to the conclussion is,  there is that need to be a mother because we are women. But when i think about it, i pick out the bits i want and i would dearly love to have, but there is alot of things i don't want that comes with children. Maybe because we end up soul searching through IF, it does get you to dig deeper and maybe i was always meant to be slightly different...?
Thankyou Jo...i feel the same about school runs in cars..it drives me flipping mad..why don't they car share and pick up children in the area and save hundreds of cars using up loads of fuel and polluting everywhere....ummmm barhumbug!!! 
love astrid


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Ahh Astrid,
I'm glad of you just the way you are - differences and all. 
I do think IF makes you "dig deeper". - the only thing is that i'm sick of digging and my muscles are sore!!
Lots love Jo


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bravo Astrid, for havig the nerve and the clarity of thought to acknowledge your ambiguity towards some parts of motherhood - I think 'society' expects us 'poor souls' to be childaholics who will do anything and everything for the goal of a child, and that in turn makes it harder for us to admit that we can, at least sometimes, see the down side to parenting.... Me, I wanted my kids with my hubby, but not at any cost... Good for you, love MM xx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

As the french say Astrid "Vive la difference!"


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