# Will I ever go back to my old self?Any Advice?



## Molly1184 (Aug 21, 2010)

This is my first posting on this kind of site but I see many of you are in a similar boat to me - and that helps already!

I am really struggling to be happy lately - All my confidence has gone and I am now a bitter, jealous, shy and paranoid person! Before all this started (about 6 years go) I was a happy, very confident, popular person who made all our friends laugh and was probably a bit of a show off(not in a nasty way!). But now I am so jealous of all our friends, all the girls specifically and its eating me up inside. Our large group of friends consists of couples who all have small toddlers or babies and I feel so lost in my life now. For example I went on a picnic with them all and all the boys stood around chatting and all the girls sat on the blankets holding their babies - I honestly sat there for about an hour and felt like a spare part - I could not join in the baby conversation at all. The funny thing is I have never had a problem with babies or toddlers, so in the end I just decided to play ball with a couple of the children as my insecurities come from being around other women and not their children! 

All the girls I know are all super skinny, super attractive and confident mother earth types and I am miserable, overweight and feel useless. I can tell that even my DH thinks that I am a miserable, non-entertaining person and it really hurts me when I see him laughing and joking with our friends wifes/girlfriends as I feel so rubbish compared to them. I can't bare it if they really make him laugh or just look really attractive in front of him. What can I do to help this situation as I hate the person that I have become and have gone into my shell so much that I am losing friends and even possibly my DH? I truly can't believe how not being able to have children has affected me. I feel so jealous around our girl friends that I am not very chatty, seem miserable and just compare myself to them and it makes my stomach churn. These people used to like me and I used to like them but infertility has just screwed me up.

I can't go to the GP to discuss depression as I am in the middle of the Adoption Process and being treated for mental illness is a huge problem when trying to adopt. I know that I will be a brilliant adoptive mum but really want to feel confident, womanly and attractive again? Any advice? Does any one else have these feelings?

Feel better for getting this off my chest!
Molly


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## becky70 (Dec 28, 2009)

My heart goes out to you, Molly. I have often had these feelings too! We are not done with ttc yet but I have often felt useless because I haven't been able to conceive naturally and quickly like so many family and friends.  
One thing that may help is to remember that being able to get pregnant is not really any great achievement - raising a child well is the achievement and you are going to do that. I am a primary school teacher and have met quite a few awful parents in my time - on one level it makes my situation harder but it also reminds me that being able to conceive is different to being a good parent. We are not inferior to people who conceive easily. 
Are you able to talk to your DH? I can't tell from your post whether he really thinks you are miserable and non-entertaining or whether you think this because you are so low but I suspect the latter. I think you need a bit of reassurance and support from him and I hope you will ask for it. 
I found infertility has really knocked my confidence, too, and most people who go through it would say the same. I went through a horrible experience at work and I don't believe this would have happened if I wasn't suffering from infertility. It was bad enough to make me hand in my notice! I think I was targetted by bullies because they knew how vulnerable I was. 
Could you try writing a list of what's good about yourself? You are obviously good with children and you know you are going to be a good mum. I would also suggest spending time with people who are childfree if you know any - you get a break from all the baby talk. 
You will be happy and confident again, you will enjoy life again and when this time comes you will feel more attractive again too. However, you need time to heal - don't underestimate what you've been through. Glad posting on here has helped!


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## hopefuldeb (May 29, 2009)

Do you think that counselling might help you?  I know it isn't a miracle cure, but it could help over time.  

Also, if anything surely it would look good to the adoption people that you are taking steps to deal with your issues.  Anyone who is going through the adoption process is going to have some issues and I am sure that the adoption board know this.  To admit it and try and do something about it has got to be better than pretending that everything is ok.

I know it doesn't suit everyone, but it might be worth a try.

Take care

Debx


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi Molly

I can completely relate to how you are feeling.  I have often felt like a spare part when with friends who are now Mums.  All they seem to talk about is the children, what they eat, drink, when they poo etc... thing is, that is completely normal for them.  I suspect that I would be doing the same if I had a child.  BUT, its different because I feel like an outsider to them now... completely left out.  

Throughout IF tx, I have always made an effort to put things to the back of my head, but knowing that I will prob never conceive, makes it much more hurtful and I feel ever so isolated.  

I too feel very unattractive.  In all honesty - I know that this is not 100% true, as when I am feeling a little positive, I can see that.  But when I am feeling down I feel so horrible and ugly - and thats what makes me realise that these feelings I am having are to a certain extend irrational.  I think it is how I perceive myself due to the fact that I have FAILED in conceiving and having children like everyone else.  Its my own little definitions and statements in MY head... slowly I am starting to understand that.

I can hear my own little thoughts in my head, when DH says, you look nice, I think, oh he is just saying that to be nice.  Or when he says he is attracted to me,  I feel like, it can't be true... and I know I should not do this... but I just can't help it and get worried I am damaging the relationship   

I too feel jelous of anyone looking more attractive in front of DH or feel insecure if DH seems to enjoy another womans company... I feel very insecure and paranoid that he is attracted to them etc...  

But I think this is tied into the fact that I feel down about myself... feel worried that I am not good enough, fertile enough etc... and any little tiny thing is backing thedse insecurities up, and making my thoughts true to a certain extent.

In other words, I am thinking negative things and just looking for little things to prove that it is all true!!!  How wacky does that sound.

Do you think you are doing a bit of this?  Does it sound familiar

I am still to arrange Counselling... a lot of not going to see someone yet, is because in some ways I feel ashamed of these horrible feelings and thoughts, I feel rediculous.  Imagine speaking to someone face to face about these feelings.  I even feel silly thinking about it, and realise that I am not being rational....

Despite all of this and the self awareness of it all, I STILL feel these feelings and still think these thoughts...  

Just thought I would share my thoughts and feelings with you as I can completely relate to what you feel.  It has helped me to type this out, it hasn't solved anything, but it has helped me understand why I may be feeling like this... (slowly it is making a bit of sense).  

I guess the next step will be to get some counselling... I suppose, talking will help rearrange thoughts and feelings, understand them and why I am feeling them, sort out where they should sit...  

If anyone has had counselling - would you please be able to tell me (us) how it helped them?

Thanks in advance xxx


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

PS - I re read your question... and thought I would add. I still feel quite low but in the last few days have been slightly more positive. The things that have helped me feel a bit better about myself is:

Doing exercise. OK, its hard to actually get motivated enough to get to the gym, but once there I get into it, and then after feel fab for the rest of the day - it really lifts my spirits.

Dying my hair. I had let go of it for a little while, but just dying it made me realise how important it is to keep on top of it. It made me feel so much nicer - so not necessarily to look good for anyone else, but dying it made me feel much better about myself. I forgot that how these little things, like painting my toe nails etc... or bleaching my tash (ok its very fine, but still needs a bit of tlc) makes a HUGE difference to how 'I' feel. If I can look in the mirror and feel like I look better, then surely that is a start... and if I feel better then the people around me will pick up on that, and respond positively too. That way if other women look attractive around me, then I will look good too, cause my grey hair is dyed, my toenails and nails are in shape and nice and feminine and pretty 

I have also been trying to keep myself busy and distracted - even if it means doing stuff like hoover the house, mop the floor, tidy up etc... anything apart from thinking about stuff...

Oh and apart from this I have tried to stop constantly thinking about how to 'solve' my fertility problem... its obvious it is not doing me any good. So I have decided to putting it away until later on... for when I can actually cope better with it.

I also read sometthing on the net about self esteem... reasons to feel good about yoursself... something like, the fact that we are unique, there is NO ONE in the world quite like YOU!!! And this in itself is something special...

Here is the website... its further down teh page...

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/selfesteem.htm

I am going to read more things on these types of web pages... It really helped think 'positively' about myself... I just need to stop thinking negative thoughts about myself... as DH has told me, the things that I am thinking of are 'untrue' and I am looking for things to make them true... he told me that he would not mind if, what I was saying was true, but he says they really are not.

But shortly after he says this to me, inside I can hear my thoughts, saying, you can say that all you like but I know you feel attracted to X... and I know you are not 'really' attracted to me... So in effect, this is what I have to stop doing... (there must be a way of stopping feeling like this... I am going to find out... when i do I will come on here and share with you xx)


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## tisonlyme (Aug 6, 2010)

Hia, 
I feel the same in some ways in that i am finding it hard to be affectionate towards dh at the moment.
It seems like all my 'sparkle' has gone at the moment and i don't know how to get it back!

But like you eggtastic I am trying to take care of myself a bit more than i have by making sure i get m eyebrows done, i have dyed away my beginnings of grey etc an am making an effort to get dressed, makeup and all in the morning (no easy task as i'm a teach on myu hols and i just want to slob at times!)

I have been putting away my feelings i think since my operation last may and by posting on here am taking them out of that compartment and starting to work through them.

I have had some really down days where i have thought of nothing but my infertility and surrogacy and adoption, but afte a few days of posting on here and having some terrific advice from people in the same kind of situation as me am finding things alot easier and feel better than i have done for a while.

Bad days and weeks will always come and go, but we have to work through them and look forward to the good days and weeks i think!
And my dh will have to carry on being understanding!!


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Oh Molly  

There are so so many of us, including me, who completely understand and relate to how you are feeling. I'm going to PM you, but please come and join us on the Adoption Board:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=19.0

Hope to see you there
Bx


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