# birthchild coping with adoption process



## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi girls
i'm having a bit of a dilemma with my 11 yr old daughter xxxx (birthchild from my previous marriage). Me & dh (her stepdad) have been ttc for 8 yrs and are now on the adoption route and are due to start our prep course next week.

We've always kept xxxx fully aware of our plans and try to involve her about what will happen with the course and home study etc. She says she would love a little brother but seems concerned about talking to SW's and has moaned about it and can't seem to understand why we can't just go and adopt a child 'without all the hassle'. She has a friend who has been brought up by her grandparents who only seems to have bad things to say about SW's so I think that's where she's getting some of her concerns from.

In the past 6 months her natural dad has come back on the scene and she stays at his 1-2 nights a week. He only ever saw her about once a month but since he's met a new girl who also has an 11 yr old dter he seems to want to see xxxx a lot more. Obviously i'm pleased he's shown some interest in her at last but i'm finding it hard to cope with.

She seems to be a right stroppy little madam when she comes home and just last night she had a huge argument with dh about tidying her room and shouted 'you're not my dad' and 'I want to go and live with him' etc  

I'm really worried about starting our prep course next week and about starting the home study. Dh isn't concerned and just thinks it's part of xxxx growing up, adjusting to her dad becoming more involved in her life and maybe starting her teenage tantrums a bit early  

Am I right to be concerned? I just want everything to be right and xxxx to still love me I suppose  . I don't want xxxx to think we don't love her because we are looking to adopt but also don't want her to think she can throw a strop and get her own way either.

Help

Val xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

I'm sure this is perfectly normal behaviour - it would be more unusual for her NOT to react!  She would probably be behaving exactly the same if you were still with her natural father - there would still be some insult!

I'm adopted and although I'm now 38 can still remember telling my mum "you're not my real mother and you treat me like Cinderella!!!" It's almost bound to happen at least once.  Try really hard not to let it get you down, I'm sure the S/ws are used to it.  It doen't make you bad parents!  

She'll probably thank you for the sibling when she's older - I haven't got any and would dearly love to have one!
Just keep telling her that she's precious and when she's calm gently remind her that while it's great for her to see her natural dad again, you and DP are the ones that have looked after her through thick & thin - she'll know deep down!

Good luck!

Jess x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Val, from my experience with my neices it seems to me that the whole "teenage" thing starts earlier these days around the 10/11 mark.  I think your Dh is right and your daughter is just acting out the way that most teenagers do.  Unfortunately playing one adult off against the other is a skill they seem to develop at a very early age, that whole your horrible, Dad/Mum, I hate you, etc, etc.

You will find from the prep course that SWs are pretty clued up on this sort of thing, like Jess says it would be pretty unusual for her not to react.  Unfortunately, the hassle that she mentions of talking to SWs is par for the course, perhaps you can explain to her that you're not looking forward to it either and would much prefer to get a child without it but that's the way the sytem works.

Best of luck

Cindy


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Val

I think the others have hit the nail on the head, a normal girl acting in a normal way.  Its really good that you have got her involved already and I am sure the Sw's would talk to you about any of her fears that came up in conversations with them.

Adoption will be a big adjustment for all of you and the process will help you decide if it is right.  Perhaps it all seems a long way off, like most kids they want things yesterday!!  I am sure things will pass.

Good luck
Love
Karen x


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## parky71 (Oct 19, 2004)

Definitely sounds normal to me - I teach 30 of them!!


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Hi Val,

Sounds normal to me too  I'm stepmum to 2 teenagers and have been through similar (you're not my mum, i want to go home etc) Actually DH's son is fine but daughter!!! Especially when i got pg....would barely speak to me. 

I think it's just their way of testing the ground.....i'm sure SWs will understand completely and as long as you keep involving her in the process then i bet she'll be fine.

Good luck with the adoption 

Much love, Lizzy xxx


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## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Thanks girls for all your replies, they've really helped. I think i'm just having some pre prep course jitters  

xxxx has just come home back from her dad's house and is telling dh all about building a snowman and has just persuaded him to go outside and build one here as well.

So needless to say they are pals again until the next strop which i'm sure will be tomorrow night as we have someone coming round to help her with her SATs homework which are coming up in May 

Are we ok to wear jeans and casual type clothes for the prep course? also is there anything else we should do to prepare for the course? I've got a couple of books and done some background reading,
thanx
Val x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Val

I went smart/casual for my prep course, people turned up all smart on the first day not kowing what to expect and then things changed.  it as a blazing hot summer though so some turned up in shorts.  I stuck to my 3/4 length trousers and a linen top to keep cool.  Doesn't really apply to this time fo year!!

No need to read up on anything unless they have asked you to.

Good luck
love
Karen x


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