# Hopefully not a taste of what's to come!



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

Just had a strange experience today at work. I was talking to a colleague about DD, and when I mentioned she was dual heritage she asked whether she was dark or light skinned. So I showed her a photo and she said: "oh that's alright, she not that dark skinned, you'd hardly notice!" I replied "not that it matters either way" and she was "of course, yes not that it matters" 

But why say something like that? I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth, but usually about daft unimportant things. DH thinks I'm over reacting and I probably need to get used to such comments. He reckons she probably just meant that as she is being placed with white parents. 

Anyway, I just thought if post it on here to see if you had any thoughts. 
Xxruth.


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I agree with your DH that she probably meant that it would be easier to fit in with white parents.  Just sheer tactlessness on your colleague's part.  As you said it doesn't matter as families come in all shapes and colours.  I'm dual heritage, brunette and appear mediterranean yet I have blonde/blue eyed sisters and don't fit in with them physically at all.  

Let's face it some people are very good at making tactless remarks about adoption, we have to let it roll over us.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oof how untactful   I might have to think of something to say back..along the lines of 'you probably didnt realise what you were saying the other day but i was kind of hurt that you made an issue of her skin colour, because actually we accept her for who she is and its really important other people do too'

I imagine people who are not enlightened might think you want you daughter to 'match' you..so this sort of comment was a sort of phew, she's not REALLY dark, therefore you might not stick out quite so much as a white family with a darker child'    you might have to develop a bit of a thick skin for a while  
 
kj x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hiya

Ours are dual heritage (our LOs) but we are a dual heritage couple. They are the same 'mix' as us IYSWIM. So although not the same situation as you, I can relate to daft comments. We have had a few but mainly where people seem to insist that they look like us and place undue importance on that (in my opinion)  - personally I couldnt care less if they look like us as I dont see it as that important (never mind the fact its not actually possible). ANyway, I digress - I think your colleague made a very short-sighted and dare I say it, prejudiced comment.....perhaps she did mean because your DD has been placed with white parents but it seems odd she might focus only on skin colour. We have found as I said, that others place too much importance on the physical similarities between LOs and their adoptive parents - almost like they are thinking that if we looked the same then 'no one will ever know' as if the fact they are adopted has to be a secret somehow. I find it odd because i dont see it as that important (although I understand about identity etc) and also because plenty of birth children don't look like their birth parents. I dont know, its odd the things people say, particularly in respect of adoption I think because many people havent experience adoption in any way before. I dont think many other people will comment as your work colleague did but you might find people do focus on how much you look alike (or don't). 

xx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Thanks ladies. I guess on a level I knew things like this would happen. I guess I was unprepared as we haven't even met her yet. 

Thick skin on order!
Xruth


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi!

We were placed with our daughter in the summer and am still hearing comments that I cannot believe regarding adoption, 'telling' etc etc...

Unfortunately everyone thinks they are an expert and as a person that's usually very sensitive, I now have rhino hide as skin!

Good luck and congrats on your little girl xx


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

jitterbug said:


> ...
> 
> Unfortunately everyone thinks they are an expert


OMG yes! Drives me nuts........................


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Congratulations on finding your DD.
I hate to say it but I think you will have to get used to these kind of comments. We get a lot of comments about how ds looks like me, you would never know he was adopted etc. One silly mum even said "isn't it good ds wears glasses now, he looks even more like you!.
It annoys me greatly that people place so much importance on physical appearance. I have got used to biting my lip and saying "it doesn't matter to us how ds looks."
Really pees me off at times tho....
Love Crusoe


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Ruthibabe,

It's amazing how insensitive and often down right rude people can be isn't it!    

For some reason the comments that get to me (and I now just hold my tongue as I used to fly on the defensive, resulting in longer conversations and maybe more information that I'd want to offer  ) are the ones about Nemo's Bp's.
I couldn't have imagined I'd feel this way prior to adopting, but it really annoys me how opinionated and insensitive people are about a world they are fortunate enough to know little or nothing about.
I'm sure you know the comments.....'Why do they go on to have more children?' or 'how can she do that to herself or further children?'.
Like a lot of adopted children, Nemo's BM had an extremely terrible childhood (it doesn't excuse various things), but I have the information and knowledge about her and as such I wont judge her, can't even begin to imagine how it feels to be her, can acknowledge that it's a totally different world and that unfortunately its a very familiar case of history repeating itself.  
Her level of care for children and knowledge of pretty much everything was shaped by her upbringing and so she really does know no better. As I say it doesn't excuse everything, but as I'm equipped with information about her I know enough to be able to at least see how things could have turned out the way they did.
A lot of people not only know nothing about adoption but for some reason feel they can make judgements about people without acknowledging that they come from a less privileged and very different and often very dark world to that most of us live in.
Before being matched I never imagined that I would feel defensive of our future lo's bm but I do when people make those ridiculous comments   

In fairness, I think often a lot of the comments are said in ignorance, without thought, and most likely in missguided support of us as adoptive parents  .
I think that can also be said with regards to the comments relating to our lo's looks too, again as if they think they are saying something we want to hear.

I've just learnt now to be less sensitive and brush any annoying comments off with a short answer or just steer the conversation away to something else. 
I've also given up trying to 'educate' people on the world of adoption as I think I tried to do in the early days when faced with ignorant statements/questions.         

I'll get off my soap box now as my little man is stirring from his nap.

I'm sure we could fill pages with all the daft remarks hey!  

Anj x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hey, just thought I'd let u know intros went great and we are home with dd! Looks like a massive pink plastic explosion has occurred in the house!!

Xxruth


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Fantastic news !!!! 
I had one of those pink explosions too, makes such a change to 'boys toys'            
Enjoy getting to know your DD.
OT x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

fab! enjoy every moment! congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!      

xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Ruth,
That's brilliant news! I'm glad intros went well and your little princess is now home with you   
Huge Congratulations!  

Anj x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Brilliant news Ruth, enjoy your life with your new daughter.     

Cindy x

PS Take it from me girls are a huge change from boys


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