# Is SMC wrecking your life?



## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi,

Nice cheery one for a Monday morning! I'm wondering if seeking or becoming a SMC has wrecked your life elsewhere? You know - career, financials, family or friends?

Personally my life has turned into a really boring disaster movie with no hot men with their shirts off. I wouldn't be doing well, but if I didn't have to find the cash for tx I'd be okay for an impoverished person. I'm finding the pressure to have IVF a nightmare, the odds that it could actually work at my age pretty low and everything I have to give up (a roof over my head) to afford it, depressing. Certainly Nikki Morrissette in her book, Choosing Single Motherhood, would say give up Diesy, you can't afford it. But that kinda ****** me off. 

Well that's me, what about you? Is the desire to have a family on your own wrecking your life? Jeeze, seriously hope not btw.  
Diesy 

PS Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, you know who you are.


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Diesy     
I'm probably not much help but just wanted to say that I had some cousins round yesterday and their children - 7 of them all under 10 - and all of them were saying that on paper they couldn't afford to have children, but they have them and somehow they cope. Stuff gets shared around and needs get met. And what does affording children mean anyway? I can afford a certain level just about on a good day but not foreign holidays, label clothes, endless techno gadgets and private education. But I've been really touched by the amount that people offer when they know there's a baby on the way.
I really hope that a path opens up for you soon    
Txx


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I think it can consume your life - if you let it. But, equally, I'd say that can be the case with trying to conceive whether single, married or gay. 

When you're single though you do have to consider the financial aspects because there is no second income to fall back on. That is tough and something that caused me a great deal of worry. In the end I opted for 'head in sand' approach. 

When I was in your shoes it helped to reason by saying that: I can get work and make money later in my life, I could meet the love of my life at 55, but the one thing I have to do now is have a chid before it's too late  - that can't be postponed. The thought of suffering a little hardship was more bearable than looking back and saying 'why didn't I at least give it a go?' 

I also think an important part of TCC is knowing when to stop if it doesn't happen. That marker is in a different place for everyone. For me it was after 3 x cycles. I now feel very happy and surprisingly relieved with my decision to give up attempting to conceive. I have to say it's not nearly as crushing as I thought it would be.


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Deisy

Huge hugs - it does sound very tough.  Not much to say but I agree with Violet.  Ttc is by far the hardest part - when you actually have the baby things WILL fall into place and once you decide to stop ttc then you are at peace and can just enjoy life.

As for relationships - yes they change but will become stronger once you reach your desired road.  As for money - yes it is very expensive having kids but like Tommi says you make sacrifices and you work harder.

Wishing you loads of luck xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi,
I echo what the others have said. The tcc'ing is the hardest part. But once you have your baby things do fall into place. I didn't date the first 2 1/2 years because I think I was in shock at how hard it was, and how you do really need help. Things do fall into place though. I am dating now and my DD is almost 3 years old. She started preschool a month ago and I feel like my life has opened up. And I am trying for a second baby, but now that I know what it is like I will be able to date much sooner. I will try and have the help that i need lined up ahead of time. But no, it has not ruined my life! My baby has brought me so much joy that I never thought possible. It it totally worth it. Finances are a consideration, but when are any of us ready? I don't think anyone is really ready, including married people. They just do it and find a way. Things get much easier when they go to preschool, but if I get pregnant with my second, I will def. have a nanny/housekeeper set up before the baby is born. I would try and find the best possible care you can afford. No,no,no. Being an SMC has not ruined my life at all! In fact, it has opened it up. Yes, the first years are a lot of work. So if you can find the best possible help you can afford-that is a must! But it is totally worth it. I hope things open up for you and you can follow your dreams. I remember you from the internet dating posts too-you always responded to me and I want to thank you for that. (And if a guy says they are really into you and then they don't call-well, you got the information you needed. Throw that old shoe back in the water and keep fishing for a great tuna. I look at dating-and this has helped me-as we are just gathering information. And if a guy is a flake, then you don't want that right?) I wanted a life and a child, so I started dating when my DD was around 2 years old. I had a regular babysitter-the same person-who came every Saturday night since my DD was 8 months old. Even if I didn't have a date on a Saturday night, it was a great break. If I could afford full-time live-in help I would. Too be honest, in the first 2 years I was so tired and it was the hormones too, that I couldn't even think of going on a date. But I was lonely. At the same time, I was so in love with mu DD (and I do think it's biological-that the hormones want you to love and protect your child) that at first all I wanted to do was stay with her. It took me about 18 months for my body to go back to normal and feel normal. I think it was the hormones going back to my old way of being and washing out of me. Sorry about the long post. I don't want you to think it ruins your life being an SMC.  Do you have family that you can borrow some money from and down the line pay them back when you can get on your feet? You can do it! Many, many people have done it on little finances. You can too!     Oh, and I was with my last boyfriend for 7 years, and at first he said he would have a baby with me and then at the end he said he wouldn't. So I picked my baby over him. And when it didn't work out I went ahead and did ivf on my own. (I feel like if I didn't pick having the baby, he would have stayed longer with me.) Again, so sorry about the long ramble. Take care,
sohocat


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Really interesting thread, ladies. Helpful for all I think. Thanks for posting it Diesy. How are you today?  
Txx


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi Diesy.
I can relate to this. I was lucky to have a steady job and good friends, but i passed up several promotion opportunities for fear of ruining potential maternity leave, got into debt and found that at times I was fairly fixated on my TTC. I also felt very low at times and like by not getting pregnant i must have done something wrong. For me personally that and the emotional strain of treatment (along with the ever diminishing chance that it will work after so many attempts) led me to decide to try adoption instead. This too has been a very trying and at times frustrating journey but now i have C i wouldnt change a thing. I guess each person has to look inside and find the right path for them. From your posts it is clear to see you are a warm caring intelligent person who i am sure would make a  a great mum. And this site is full of wonderful people who have conceived when no one thought they would. Not sure if my ramblings have helped, but i wish you all the best in whatever you decide and know that we are all here for you (as you have been for so many of us).
K  x


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

hugs Diesy xxxx

I have often wished I could just turn off the switch in my head that wants a baby.  how much easier life would be.  One of the most hear breaking things for me was discovering my husbands diary in which he really did think I wanted a baby more than I wanted him.  It wasn't true but now I have neither.

I'm sorry things are so tough and I wish I had some answers.  I'm on the phone if that helps.


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I can definitely relate to this! Right now it seems like my life for the past 18 months (and the foreseeable future) revolves entirely around TTC. I've noticed the last few months especially have had an adverse affect on my work life. I struggle to cope with the stress of it and fly off the handle a lot. I'm apparently taking this month off from TTC (although I can see that not happening) just to give me a break and a chance to relax. 

My family don't know about my TTC and while at first I wish I'd told them I am now glad because I can imagine it would put a strain on my relationships with them whether they agreed with my choice or not. 

Financially, I'm drained. I am just scraping by (with a little help from AMEX) in order to make ends meet while paying for the cost of treatment, but it's costing me a hell of a lot more now than a child will on a monthly basis so I'm looking forward to the day I get a BFP so I don't have to pay out absurd amounts each month!

I hope my kids appreciate it


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Yip TTC is not easy and I've only been trying a month!

Biggest thing for me is my live life has defo been put on the back burner as I'm trying TTC with a coparent and if that doesn't work then ill try IUI. I'm nearly 38 and just don't have time to date someone for a while before seeing if they'd like to try for a child - if I met a guy now unless he was ready TTC within 6 months I'd be off! And that's v v unlikely to happen. The way I see it dating would just be a total waste of my precious time right now and that's not going to change until I either have my baby or have given up TTC. Sometimes I feel v lonely and don't even mention how much I miss the physical side of a relationship but its a temporary sacrifice I have to make. Hopefully it will all be worth it but its hard to turn down cute guys messaging me on dating sites. I'm thinking of taking my profiles down...

Watching my diet and not drinking alcohol is also hard 

And having to buy things like opk, pts, multivitamins, bus trips to see my cp and saving for IUI is expensive too!

But I'm not going to do this forever. If IUI fails then ill try 2 cycles of ivf and if I'm still not pregnant by then I'm calling it quits and looking into adoption. No way could I do this forever!!

Hello and best wishes to all the single ladies! Xx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Diesy, "wrecked" my life?  No.  "Changed" my life?  Certainly.  My journey wasn't as easy as some, nor as harrowing as others.  However, all anyone will see today are my three happy and healthy children - what no one sees anymore are the years and tears expended getting them.  I was on the roller coaster for 10 years in total, and many of these were consumed by TTC / finding the money to TTC / trying to ring fence the time to TTC given the nature of my work at the time.  As an individual who has been fortunate in realising her dreams of parenthood, I take on the chin the huge change in my financial situation, the decision to step away from my career (when I found I could no longer be in the country long enough to have a cycle of tx) - but also the joy my children bring both me and my family (from afar!) and the new friendships I've made as a parent as well as those that have withstood the past decade.  No, it wasn't easy and no, it's still not easy from time to time, but I wouldn't change my life today, nor the decisions that lead to it.   


A-Mx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

That's great to hear, Inde xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Diesy and all the single ladies!

I'd second the sentiments that it's Changed rather than Wrecked my life, and there are definitely some days/weeks when I want to flick the 'baby switch' and not want one so badly anymore!

SMC is only hard in my opinion as it's so hidden. I am happy to share about my trials and tribulations with my family (who have been very understanding), friends (mixed bag but generally v supportive) and some dates (surprisingly positive reactions), but not work. I feel I need to keep TTC a secret from work colleagues as it's so personal and it would make me feel uncomfortable to have people speculate about my private life and choices to that extent.
A childless couple may receive more sympathy, since people around them expect kids as the next step, and can sympathise when they don't appear, whereas single women often get lumped into the 'career/party-girl' category, and our hidden longing for children ignored by the public.

However I have found that when I've opened up, I've felt more understood and received more support than where I haven't - it makes sense in a way, but often we don't feel able to share our journey with others for fear of being judged.

If you have a partner, they are your main support and sounding board, which I miss on one hand, but on the other I see many people's TTC issues become a very isolating experience, and you and your partner can feel alone against the rest of the world, which isn't my experience at all.

Being single is definitely an invitation to 'the village' to help raise your child (if you are familiar with the saying 'it takes a village to raise a child').

However I've not got there yet.
Co-parenting seems a contentious issue with some people, especially considering recent events involving my CP, and I sometimes feel that people find it easier to accept the concept of sperm donation for SMC's.

Another point that makes me absolutely furious is how women seem to get all the blame. Doesn't society realise that if it weren't for MEN we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place?

If I weren't TTC as a SMC, I'd probably be in a different job (I gave up a freelance career for financial security, a mortgage, savings, private health and a pension scheme), I would be living with a partner and not a lodger (or alone, since I wouldn't feel as much of a need to save), but apart from that, my life would be pretty similar.
I'd also be able to plan ahead better (for such selfish things as cycling across Cuba for charity, which is something I'd have loved to be doing if there wasn't a chance I'd be pregnant by then) - so much about ttc is about not knowing what is in your immediate future and how to plan for it.

Overall, I think I am embracing this chapter in my life pretty well. It helps to write about it all - on this forum, in my diary and on my blog.

Diesy, I hope you make enough time to enjoy your life 'as is', even if it is just for a day here and there! xox


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I hope you dont mind me posting. But i just wanted to say that sadly it is often not " you and dp against the world " . I wish. Men dont seem to have the same biological need for children we do and are often less than supportive. My dp was v anti de and i went into my successful cycle not sure whether he would turn up f to do his bit ( i organised him to go a few days early so his sample was frozen . We had tx abroad so there was the backup of the clinics ds bank if he hadn't shown ). 

When i got pregnant he completely ignored the fact i was pregnant other than to say he didn't know if he could handle it and didn't know if he would be around, so i had to assume he wouldn't be and plan things accordingly. Even tho he did stay around he did NOTHING for the 1st 9 months. But because he is here people didn't offer to help because i had him. ( he has improved , but there are still a lot of days when i wonder why i'm still with him and think we'd be better on our own )

There were many times that i wished i didn't have that to deal with on top of the whole ttc and preg and wished i'd just gone it alone.

I suppose what i'm trying to say is there are advantages to doing it on your own too. And re the money you dont really need that much. A lot of stuff can be bought second hand or you'll get given loads. About all you need new is a car seat and disposable nappies. And lots of kitchen paper and cotton wool.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Mierran
sorry I didn't mean to generalize, but from a SMC perspective this is how it often looks - that a couple goes through this together. However I totally understand that this is often not the case! Believe me, I am glad that none of my exes (apart from one, maybe) is still in my life with a say on how his children are raised!
Yes, many women are left to worry about stuff on their own, whether they have a partner or not. Sorry to hear your experience was so stressful. Has he been able to discuss any of this with a counsellor?
And how lovely you now have your beautiful twins, even more reason for your DP to get involved I'd think...
A friend of mine also has b/g twins and did much of it on her own, despite in-laws living close by. At least as a SMC people are aware we might be struggling, and offer help... xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Mierran - thank you so much for writing and sorry to hear about your experiences. Sadly, they do seem to be very common. In fact, I don't know a single couple in my age group who has gone through having children happily, so being a SMC has never seemed like a sacrifice to me... so far! But like you say, it is so different for men and women.
Txx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Tommi,
What a lovely and correct perspective!  As you are a researcher yourself and trained to observe people it's great to get such a supportive and encouraging perspective on single mothers from someone who knows what they are talking about-as opposed to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. I know that it is hard being a single mother, especially financially, but those that have chosen that path are courageous and the children are so wanted and loved that growing up in that environment is way, way better than in an environment where 2 parents or co parents fight, don't getting along, one of them may be mentally ill, uncaring, etc. I know a lot of unhappily married people and the statistics bear that out. As a teacher and a researcher, it's good to know that it's not the children who grow up in single households that have problems, but the ones that grow up in household with 2 parents that fight, don't get along. Single mothers forge ahead even though they may be scared. And it's so very commendable, courageous, inspiring and worthy of praise.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Lovely to hear everyone's thoughts, thanks.  I tried to reply the other day but got waylaid by more bad news.  I'm actually lost for words now, and those who know me know this isn't the norm.   I was even crying on the tube yesterday on the way back from CAB.  Diesy xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

So sorry to hear that Diesy. Happy to chat on PM if it helps at all xxx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Broody   xx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Diesy - can totally relate - hence I don't really venture onto this board much.
You ok lovely?  Can ring for a long overdue catch up?


I'm all over the place, so happy for those who've become SMC, but this journey has put me in a place I'd rather not be.
I changed careers to accommodate SMC - ended my promotion tbh.  But at least I tried? ...or so everyone keeps telling me.  


Big big hugs - it can consume your whole life.     


Take care
Tis xxx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Would love a chat Tis, yeah it's been a while.   Hope you are doing okay.    xox


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Getting there lovely - slowly. 
Honey just take one wee step @ a time. 



Take care    


It's xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Glad to hear it. 

Small steps...erm...now...what did I do with my metaphorical semtex...it's a bit dusty!  Hang on, all it needs is a good shake.    xxo


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hello   Howz everybody?

I've been offered a short term job and want to go abroad fro tx in the next few months, I'll need maybe 2 separate weeks factoring in time for a second go if the first doesn't take.  How do I negotiate this with potential employer?  I don't want this very short term post to ruin any chances for me since I am making a big sacrifice, see below.

Before you all start thinking what an amazing turnaround I have lost my house because to fund tx.  Going on the market next week.  Going to be upsetting, wonder how I can make the IVF work with all that going on

Hope you are all well, always good to hear how everyone is doing - Diesy xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

diesy -   re house situation, I'm sorry it's come to this
re job/employer - presumably you will have a holiday allowance in new job, so could use that for one of the weeks? and then if you need another week you could perhaps tell them you need to have minor op and will take the time unpaid? assuming you don't want to tell them about tx as this might jeopardise the contract?
fingers crossed it all works out hun, you must be due some luck   
Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Diesy congratulations on your new job- you deserve a break and some good luck x


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Suitcase, it really is all a bit crazy.  My loan to value is really good but Barclays are sharks, I didn't choose them, they bought out my old mortgage provider.

That's a good idea about the job and time off.  I'm sure I can make something up.  They want me to start the same week I was going to go on a wee holiday, not been away this year and am desperate for some countryside.  I interviewed for it weeks ago but now they have finally made up their minds they just want me to start.  I haven't even seen paperwork or salary confirmed.

All change, house still a disaster and I'm supposed to be getting it on the market next week.    I feel cheered but I know I'm going to be divested to give it up.  I spoke to my dad today and didn't tell him and feel awful, he will be really disappointed.  Anyways, xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks JJ!  Fingers crossed it goes through okay.  No commuting either.   xx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Diesy love - sorry not got round to ringing - things have been hectic this end. Head spinning.


Wonderful news about job - gutted to hear about house      


Why these things have to happen and why its so hard to do I really don't know.


Busy packing for Portsmouth - will give you a bell next week xxx


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Congrats on the job diesy!

I know it's a wrench about the house  Still a room for you here if you want to come south though!


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Thetis & Silverbird!  I've been a bit MIA, or missing in not much action.  I haven't put the place on the market yet, there is just so much going on my head is spinning a bit, ideally would love to be able to rent it.  Silverbird, I'm still holding onto that offer thanks. 

Diesy xx

Everybody else ttcing, feel free to come in here and have a meltdown, it doesn't even need to be major but I think we need somewhere to let off some steam.


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Good to hear from you Diesy, but sorry to hear things are still  
Sending lots of these for a lucky break      
Txx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Thanks Tommi, last week was okay or at least no crying in the middle of the street.  Yes, it's all still at bit      Really cross with the bank for threatening repossession for a £1200 underpayment, while I have been making considerable regular payments.  So much to do this week.     xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, banks are truly beyond all that can be thought of as healthy in a society! Colossal bailouts and monumental bonuses and they go after you like a demon possessed for such a tiny amount of money.    
You'll get through this  
Good luck for this week.
Txx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

I was shocked too!  Weirdos!  Anyhoo, spent the day painting skirting boards and wringing hands.  Trying to clear up now, boxes taking over the asylum.    Maybe I will find the dog's magic wand and it will all be beautiful by midnight.  

Thanks   xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

How are the skirting boards looking, Diesy? Any luck with that magic wand? Could you fling it down this way when you're done please?!
Hope today is a good one for you  
Txx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Rubbish, my worst ever diy.  Feeling a bit stressed with everything because the flat is getting worse, despite my best diy efforts and clearing out, not better.  I did find the dog's magic wand but she appears to have disabled it or used up all it's magic.  Either that or it only works on me going to the biscuit cupboard.  I hope things are going swimmingly with you, will have a catch up soon once I am over this hump.  xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Diesy
  
Txx


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## sunset365 (Oct 11, 2013)

embarrassing question - SMC?


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Sunset, Single Mum by Choice.


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## sunset365 (Oct 11, 2013)

Ahhhhhhhhhh! OK! Thanks. It's the one acronym not on the panel to the right of the boards!


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Simply Munching Chocolate!  ...or have I got it wrong...?


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