# What am I doing?



## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Everyone

It's so good to have ff back, ive been going out of my mind not being able
to turn up here and rant  

I need some help and some honest advice and opinions from you all

Okay .... big trouble brewing for me yet again at home with dh...

I have this terrible habit of trying to make other people happy ... I have been like this for most of my life going right back to my childhood, I will do nice things for others, as a child it could be as simple as tidying up my sisters bedroom or doing my brothers share of the washing up or taking the blame for something to keep either of my siblings out of trouble ... as an adult doing nice things for others often takes on a financial form, like treating people to nice gifts.

Now most people will say that I am obviously trying to "buy" people but to me it does not feel like that, I get a huge buzz from making other people happy, I am truly a giving person rather than a recieving one, the trouble is, my habits are always backfiring on me and getting me into trouble.

my dh is currently not talking to me and he is very very angry with me .... his dd (my sd who has recently had a baby) is currently learning to drive, she fell in love with a car that was for sale locally and I went out the other day and brought it for her, it was impulsive and probably very stupid of me but it's done and now dh has hit the roof and he is not prepared to give his daughter such a nice car.  I have not collected the car yet but it will now cost me a fair amount of money to back out of the deal.

He keeps asking me "Why" I keep having to do things like this to the extreme, "why" did I have to buy a £6k car (that we can't really afford) when a £1k car would have been just as good?

Trouble is I cannot answer him, Maybe I am trying to buy his daughter, but if that is the case then it must be because I feel insecure, after all he is her Dad..... What am I (nobody)

I have always done things like this and more often than not my actions get me into trouble and I know that nobody ever thinks better of me for getting a nice gift, it is usually forgotten in about 10 minutes and the buzz I get from giving never lasts long as people do not tend to appreciate what you do for them and its soon forgotten.

Please help me to try and understand  
Dydie xxxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

People remember a lot longer than you realise sweetie 

I personally think its a wonderful thing you have done, if I had the money I'd buy gifts like this for everyone I know.

Try and sit down with dh onight and have a conversation about this and talk through your thoughts and feelings of the whys and wherefors - try not to argue about it hunnie - you both have been through so much over the last couple of years  you know where I am if you need a chat.

Sorry I cannot give you any fab insight like you are good at giving but saw your message and couldn't not reply x[br]: 1/08/06, 13:31


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi dydie
So lovely to chat to you on line...
So sorry that things are tough for you at the moment....
I think its nice to see a very genuine person who likes to give so much...as usual there is always a flip side to things, because people do not always respond in the same way...
I understand when you say about buying a gift and its forgotten in about 5mins.....the positive side to that is that you enjoyed buying the present and the negative is that some people do not always react in the same way...
I can understand why your hubby is abit lost on this one (re the car) maybe he just couldn't understand why you bought such an expensive car. Maybe its because you did not consult him and possibly if you had talked about it, then you would have come to the same decision. If maybe you had chatted you still could have been generous and kind, but it wouldn't have got you into the situation that you are in now...
Now the thing that really makes me think about you going out, buying things and trying to make things right...maybe goes back along way in your past? Trying to do things for your brother, always taking the blame?.
I hope i do not sound as if i am preaching, but there seems to be an element of 'Please others' and this is still evident in your adult life..
I think maybe this needs to be addressed the 'pleasing of others'...i hope you do not mind me spurting on but there is a book on transactional analysis that looks at these issues... and it will give you some idea of why you are trying to please...
It sounds to me that you do not get complete satisfaction from buying these presents, and that it leaves you feeling empty...Maybe because you are not in total control of yourself and thats why you feel so rotten now...
Its about getting to know you. I don't think you are trying to buy anyone, but you are just trying to please others, but that pleasing is not making you happy?.
I would say maybe sit down as Mrs Nikki said to night and chat to your hubby..Maybe include him in your plans so that you can both discuss things before you buy...also to be in control of yourself because its seems as if you are not totally...
I hope i haven't gone on, but i totally understand as i always wanted to please still do to a point...but sometimes its pointless as its not always apprieciated...share your love and kindness with people that really care, where the apprieciation is enjoyed....And that people take you for who you are and love you for that..
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh honey

A bit of a different insight from me, and I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts with you?

You obviously have feelings of insecurity (don't we all darlin') when you said "...What am I (nobody)..."

You ARE somebody hon. You are a wife, a daughter, a sister and a lovely friend to many, here as well as in 'real life' as it were.

If its any consolation, my DH also has a DD who is 15 and is going through the usual uppydowny teenage years - and things aren't helped by her mother who hates my guts. In a teeny way I understand the feelings of 'nobodyness' and I get fed up to the back teeth of dealing with a stroppy teen, as much as I love her to bits - she ain't 'mine' but then again, whose kids are ever their own? They all grow up and leave the nest someday...

As for the buying/doing things for others, maybe its the buzz feeling you get by being this way - but the feel good factor wears off after a while... maybe something Astrid said has something to do with this, perhaps its something you could explore further?

Sending you a HUGE squeezy hug and telling you that you are very much appreciated by all of us here.

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Thank you all so much for your replies  

Things are still tense around here, dh and I hardly said two words
to each other last night but I will take your advice Nikki and try talking
to him tonight.  Astrid I know I should have discussed this with him before
going out and buying the car but he is not really a giving person and I knew
he would say No   .  Dh and I are on different ends of the spectrum when
it comes to gifts, he believes that people should work hard for what they have
(like he has had to do) where as I believe that if I can make someone happy
then why not? after all it's only money.  I have had a much more comfortable
life than my dh where money is concerned so maybe I just don't appreciate
the value of money in the same way as he does.  But saying that I was always
taught the value of money and my Dad did a very good job of making me work
for anything I had.  I may have got most of what I wanted eventually but I
was always made to work for it or made to sacrifice something else, I certainly
do not think that I was spoilt ... my sisters kids and many many more like them
are far more spoilt these days.
Emcee.. I wonder if I buy things for the sd to annoy her real mother or maybe its like some kind of competition, maybe I am trying to buy her  
I know I cannot compete with the emotional attachment that people have with their Mum's and maybe that's why the gifts I get for the SD do not make me feel any better.  I feel like such an outsider, her real mum and my dh are doing the "real parent" thing and trying to teach her the values of life, I know it is not my place to fill this role in her life so I just buy her things instead, maybe I am trying to be the "good guy".

When I went for counselling this habit of mine of trying to please people was identified as an issue but we never got to discover the reason behind this behaviour and it just baffles me .... in fact it was better before the counselling because I did not realise it was a problem for me and now that I am aware of it, it annoys the hell out of me because I keep questioning "why" did I do that?

I am so fed up of getting into trouble for being nice and I wish I could become
a person who can be mean and say no to everyone

Astrid .. if you have anymore insight from your books please feel free to analyze me further  
Nikki ... hun .. you are one person who has never made me regret my actions  
emcee ... any tips on how to behave as a step mum would be greatly appreciated, its hard for me because my sd did not come into our lives until the age of 16 so I have never had the practice of saying no to her  

Lots of love and hugs  
Dydie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Sweetie, I wish I could give you some advice and tips on your SD... mine has only very recently come into my life aged 15, so it seems we have something in common there  

Its hard, me and my DH are so completely different on how we deal with her - I tend to be more prone to be stricter because I don't want my DH to be taken for a ride, as I've had a lot more experience with teens (I used to work with them in a voluntary capacity years ago) whereas he is more soft and easy going and will do anything to please bless him (but sometimes I admit its 'strangle him')! Not that I get to 'do' anything in this capacity anyway, because I am 'surplus to requirements' a bit like yourself there I'm sure...

What makes it worse/crazy for me is that I had come to terms with living without kids of my own, now I am faced with having this hormonal teenager thrown in the mix, who is nothing to do with me yet everything to do with my DH, and suddenly I am realising that my need to nurture never really went away... yet thanks to DH's ex I was deliberately kept out of the loop regarding SD for so long. Now this 'nurturing' bit has kicked in Big Time - yikes - yet I want to be able to do my own things on a weekend too still, and making sure DH and 'skid' (my abbreviation for stepkid) have quality time on their own together, I don't want her looking back in years to come thinking I or her mother were always there and she never had time alone with her biological father - argh! - but the nurtury thingy is still rearing its head in me, with teeth chomping at the bit mocking me... because this 'skid' is not mine, I can't have kids! Argh! This has had me in quite a pickle over the last few weeks let me tell you!  

And I get what you are saying loud and clear about not being involved - I am not involved according to SD's mother, she tried her best to prevent me and her DD ever meeting, has made life increasingly hard for DH and SD until SD took it upon herself to meet me anyway a few months ago   my 'crime' in this is being DH's wife - LOL!   DH's ex will only exclusively speak to him on the phone, she never phones the home phone etc etc its all quite bizzarre really...

Sorry if this is the wrong place to talk about things like this, but you have struck a chord (or ten)! with me here Dydie... may this be the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship  

Lots of love from me xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Dydie
It was interested to read your posting...
firstly i just wanted to say that you ARE LOVELY THE WAY YOU ARE!!!
Please do not question yourself about your kindness and good nature that is a part of you, that does not want to change. These are all nice things that alot of people may feel envious about you,but it may be taken advantage of...
When i say about 'please others' this is not a negative reflection of you...it just explains that this is your nature. But the thing is? is it in proportion to why you are doing things and its whether its is healthy for you, or unhealthy...
When we please others it goes back to our past and this comes out in our adult behaviour...i will send you an email with information on it....its so interesting and it has helped me so much to understand myself...as i mentioned i have a habit of pleasing others and also trying to solve family members problems....i come in as the rescuer and then get pushed aside when it suits them....it leaves me feeling good whilst i am doing it, but inadequate when pushed aside..
Maybe its time to step back alittle....i know you care so much about your SD...i am sure she cares about you in exactly the same way...Maybe removing the thoughts of the relationship she has got with her mother and concentrating on what you both have got...well because she is her mother, doesn't mean that it is all perfect...
I think maybe its time that you start pleasing yourself....looking after you and your hubby...it sounds as if you both need nurturing. It seems there are many more others looking after your SD...but who is looking after YOU?.
I am sure your SD loves you as you are.....maybe step back and enjoy the relationship that you have with her, which often can be far more healthier than shes got with her mum Enjoy all the things you have with her and try taking the mother out of the equation....your SD will realise one day who really cares for her...
Maybe its time for Dydie and spoiling the both of you (hubby)..you mentioned about money and the way you both interpret the value of it...hey Dydie this happens in all relationships and thats just the way things are....my other half pays the bills as i do not want the responsibility, plus we wouldn't have any electric if i am in control....So maybe excepting that you are both different is not a bad thing...
But Dydie in your heart of hearts, can you answer the question that maybe the car was abit to pricey...maybe she could have had one for less money and your SD would have been still happy...
I will send you an IM..
Sorry if i have gone on...
love astridxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Astrid ... Your words of wisdom never fail   I feel a bit like I am an alcoholic admitting that I have a problem but here goes ..... YES THE CAR WAS WAY TOO EXPENSIVE   and I was nuts to buy her that car just because that was the one she really wanted   my dh's favourite saying comes to mind at this point "we are not made of money"  
However .... we did have the money hanging around, so technically we could afford it, it's not like I went out and got a loan for the car or anything, but DH says we could have saved it for a rainy day and I know he is right but do you know what thought has just crossed my mind as I am writing this .....
My days are always rainy and there is only ONE thing I would like to spend that money on ... IVF
It has just occurred to me that I think I actually resent having any spare cash, all the time I have any money I want to find something to spend it on, I like having no money because that way I can't afford IVF and so I don't start resenting my dh for not wanting to try and have a baby with me.  

I look at the way dh is with his new little grandson and it kills me because he loves that little baby so much and he is so good with him and not a day goes past when I don't ask myself why this man does not want to have a baby with me, I have allowed myself to bond with a baby for the first time in my life and I love that little man much more than I ever could have imagined but it just causes more pain, especially when he crys and I can't settle him and along comes Mum and he instantly stops crying and falls asleep in her arms, my house is filled to bursting with baby paraphernalia (yes more stuff I have needlesly gone and spent money on) but I have loved buying these things for the baby, things I thought I would never get the chance to buy, it took me a long time to accept my sd but if she is the only chance I get to have a taste of being part of a family then I want to be able to spoil her and my grandson as I would want to spoil my own.

emcee ... I had lots I wanted to say to you about your post, but I have gone and upset myself a bit so I will compose myself and come back later.

Lots of love to you both
Dydie


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Oh Dydie
I think you are so brave to be so honest with your thoughts and feelings. I can also totally empathise with you and really, really understand why you are so upset...  i feel sad about this situation for you...it must really really HURT!!! you must be hurting so much inside...
It must be so tough and i really take my hat off to you for being so honest and also being in the environment that you are in...I have to say that it must really be so painful..It must pull you in all directions because you must feel so much love and then sadness ..
Boy its difficult enough coping with moving on (such a difficult path) without the added issue of your grandson being in the same house...credit to you, i think that you are one hell of a person...To be honest i couldn't do it. I am not even good around babies now, so i can say that you are so selfless with your approach to this situation...
What really moves me is that you have opened up and said that you really would like to use this money for treatment. I think that you haven't had any space to GRIEVE for yourself and that life is a total reminder for you of not being a mother yourself...
May i ask why you couldn't go for another tx? Is your hubby aware that this is really hurting you emotionally?
I think deep down that you are so sad and maybe it would be good to sit down with your hubby?
Maybe even think about going back for further counselling.....
Maybe start doing things away from the house to give yourself some space...
Maybe you bought the car because you wanted to and it did make you happy....and when it boils down to it does it really matter....it was what was right at the time...Its the underlying issue that you have identified behind it all THAT REALLY MATTERS!!! and THAT IS YOU!!!
Dydie i think that its maybe time that you looked at your own grief, pain and start looking after yourself...because it sounds as if you are in a place where its difficult to find a way out..i really feel for you...
Sometimes we need that guidance to help us move through, because you will only make yourself ill..please think about it...I think you have had a tough time of it and maybe starting being true to your own feelings, so that you can get some of that old Dydie back. Instead of being in this sad place that you are in..
Thinking of you.. 
love astridxxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

It came as a bit of a shock to me yesterday too to suddenly realise why I
keep spending the money   but I think in a strange way it has helped to acknowledge this reason because I do feel calmer now, I am no longer worried that I have just gone totally nuts and lost control of my last remaining brain cells.

I did know that I had been thinking more about tx lately as I even asked my GP about the possibility of getting treatment on the NHS, she looked into it for me but apparently I am too young  our pct has decided they will only offer a cycle to people between 36 and 39 yrs of age and I am 34 (but feeling 94  )

Trouble is at the end of the day its not much point me looking into IVF because I don't think it works very well without some swimmers  and I know that my dh would not be up for trying. I also know that my recent spending habits have now closed my own coffin lid because if I tried to talk to dh about trying IVF now he would just say that I should have thought about that before I spent the money and that we now can't afford it









Hey Ho .... That's Life I suppose

I can't wait to get back to Uni for some space and some ME time, These summer hols have really dragged on.

lots of love
Dydie xxx
[br]: 3/08/06, 08:24Just thought I would update on the Car situation 

I had a proper chat with hubby and told him about my realisation about not liking having money around because it reminds me of ivf 
he kind of just sighed, looked to the heavens and walked away... which might sound rather callous of him but he got the message and understood because he has been a different person since, more understanding and supportive.

He even seemed to enjoy telling SD that WE! had brought the car for her and he has been out and about all weekend giving sd lessons in her new car (leaving me some time alone with the baby) that time is always a bit bitter sweet but I do enjoy having the baby around.

Feeling a bit better now that the atmosphere has lightened up again around here.

Astrid hunnie .... thanks for the IM, it sounds as though you and I have both been down similar routes in our lives and I totally understand the "rescuer" aspect. I guess I just have to try and learn to say NO and try to look after number one for a change. easier said than done but I promise I will try 

Dydie xxxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Dydie,

Just wanted to add that I think you must be an amazingly strong person to be coping with having your SD's baby around and I hope you will remember that.

I also wanted to tell you about my experience with this.  My only brother met a girl about a year ago - she had a baby 1 yr old!  God, was i dreading it all.  Very soon after they met, she started calling him "daddy" and my Mum and Dad "gran and Grandpa".  I was so jealous of him suddenly becoming this "happy family".  For the first few months, I totally ran away and didn't attend some family occassions, I felt so awful.  But then I forced myself to be strong and I was so glad I did.  She stopped being a "commodity" that I couldn't have and all I can say is striking up a relationship with that wee girl was absolutely fantastic.  I loved going over to see her.  I used to get so excited (because she'd get really excited seeing me and of course, I was lapping it up)  Sadly, they recently split up and I've been pretty devastated because I'll never see her again.  (she wasn't my brothers biological child)

Anyway ........ I just wanted you to know that the pain can go away in time if you can stay strong enough and hopefully, you too will feel like I did around the baby eventually.  I certainly felt it was a bit of a "Godsend", you know, I was "meant" to meet her to kind of fill a void in my own life.  

Sorry, I'm babbling now.  I basically wanted to say that trying to conquer this IF c**p can throw up happiness we could've never imagined.

You go girl, stay strong, we're all so proud of you on here!
Take care
Love Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Only getting back to all these now. Dydie, you know i completely understand the sdaughter thing !!!! I also am like you and buy things all the time for her.I am planning a trip to Paris in October as an early 16th (and as she only had a short hol this summer).

Sometimes i think i am mad as every time i do something then a few weeks later she is either grumpy/ telling fibs or just being a teenager. and i know at the end of the day she is still mad about her "real mum" (the *****) even tho i have always been there! I would probably feel guilty if i didnt do these things tho as i am sure i would for my own child!

And emcee- i didnt know you had a teenage sdaughter!!!! Another one to moan to!!! Or with!!! Keep in touch on thst front!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes

I've only had a teenage 'skid' for a few months now, thanks to DH's ex being a complete mare and not allowing him to see his DD if I have been around - I don't even know the woman so don't know/care what her prob is  

So its been a bit of adjustment here on all counts from all sides really because we're still at that getting to know each other stage - DH doesn't see her very often, her mum tends to put spanners in the works whenever she can. Its all been a very long drawn out saga over the past couple of years let me tell you!

Its great to know I have others to compare notes with though, so thank you hon!  

Love,
Emcee x


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