# dealing with other peoples comments



## Charlie5

Hi everyone

sorry just wanted to moan a woman in work commented about marriage as I'm getting married next year she said "it's fine just don't have kids !" "you cant go out as much" (by the way she has 2 children) well glad i was working at the computer and just turned my back on her but felt utterly peeved off. The things we have to cope with i just get fed up with it all sometimes. 
Do other people feel like this sometimes ?
Sarahxxxxx


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## Natalie01

Hiya!

Oh a lovely big can of worms has been opened here!!!  Let my hormonal rant commence, oh yes, my HRT has had full impact   !!!

The way that some of the 'ferts', as I call them, behave towards us is unbelievable sometimes!!!!!  

1)  Firstly, the constant questioning as to 'when I am going to have a baby', really doesn't help, and puts me under a lot of pressure...it ain't happening!!!!

2) To those biggots who say that IVF etc shouldn't be on the NHS as it is a luxury treatment!!!  Do these people treat their own families as luxuries ......no!!!!!  As the saying goes, there is nothing more important than family.  The love of a family is an essential part of being a person....surely?

3)  To those people who say, 'there are so many unloved children in the world who need love....get over it and adopt'.  I say, yes, you are right, adoption is a wonderful thing and it should be promoted, but there are many of us who cant adopt!!!!  I would fail many health tests due to the condition that rendered me infertile in the first place. Adoption isnt like going to Tescos (or any other supermarket!!), it is a long, tiring process!! (for all the right reasons).

4)  To those who say that we are lucky not to have kids as they deprive you of a social life.  Can you imagine how your child would feel hearing you say that they are a bind?  No, I thought not!!!!! Well then, don't say such c**P!!!

Rant over!!  Sorry peeps, but it infuriates me how people like us have to put up with people like them.  It is people like them that make our issues so hard to discuss, as we then have to suffer such rude, ignorant comments and even have our problems used as weapons against us by those who feel that we are less than women as we can't bear children.   

Nat xx


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## Sunset

Hi
This is first time I've added a reply...but I can really identify with your post.
People - family, friends and work colleagues make seemingly innocent comments about babies/children that can really cut to the bone.  Just simple things like "isn't it strange being in a house with no stairgate"...
It's not easy and depending on how I feel I cope better with it some days than others.  What do you do?! 
Trying to be positive!
How does anyone else deal with these unwanted comments??

Sunset x


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## florie

Hey guys....

I too have to listen to endless annoying comments by those who are lucky enough to have children. I have recently started at Uni and many of the women on my course have children.....i cannot believe how much they moan about them......i hear comments like "they are awful" and "they are a real pain" and they are 'horrible'...i know we all moan sometimes about people we love but these women really seem annoyed about their children   i always wonder how they would feel if they suddenly became infertile! Maybe they would realise how lucky they are! 

And as for people asking if you are going to have children  ....i get asked this on  a daily basis....i wish i was brave enough to say "no children for me....i'm baron" lol.....maybe i will say it when i'm drunk some time!! 

Remember your not alone

Florie x


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## Mares

Hi

These are the one that kill me..

"Enjoy a bit of time together before trying"  (just presuming we havent started TTC yet)
"It'll be your turn next" Grrrrr !
"Just relax and forget about it" (WHAT )
"Having babies isnt everything.."  (said always by people that HAVE them..)

Theres loads that I cant even think of now....talk about biting your tongue !!!!!

xxx


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## Guest

Hi

This is all so true, so many people just don't have a clue ... But at least some try to be kind, while some just don't care to think before anything comes out of their mouths!

The last one I heard -

'We can't do a new year's celebration with you, we always do it with friends who have kids so that all kids can play together' (thanks mate, you just made me feel so loved NO!).

Sincerely hope all of you also have friends who try to be tactful and caring, even if they don't really understand at least they try.

Rivka x


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## Myownangel

People with kids often say that sort of thing - they forget that for some of us there isn't a choice. Although I have to say that she is right, kids do take up time and mean you can't go out so much. Which is why I'm making the most of the fact that I don't have to stay in - and I can go anywhere I like. Can have lie ins on the weekend too (!)
Bernie xx
P.S. Mares - I can also say that having babies isn't everything - and that's from someone who has been there done that got the IVF T-shirt, lost two natural babies and had a partially molar pg. You could never say I didn't want one - but I'm coming round to the fact that there is a life without children. And a very fulfilling one.


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## Guest

Bernie - First I wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses and heartache   I've been following your posts and am very glad to see you finding your way, the plan to start a new life in New Zealand is admirable and I hope it brings you and DH much happiness. And yes I agree kids take up time, but people should be a bit more sensitive. I would never, for example, dream of saying to a single friend or relative 'we can't go out with you because we are all in couples', because very often the single person did not have a choice, and it just rubs it in for them. Also, when I have a single friend I love them for who they are, not for the fact that they have or don't have a partner. Same thing with us regarding kids.
Rivka x


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## Charlie5

Hi thanks for all your comments !!!!!!

I completly agree with you rivka, friends should love you for who you are and not make an issue out of things 
Another comment from the same woman the other day talking about my impending marriage, she said "It could be worse you could be pregnant!" Well what cud i say to that gob smacked isnt the word ! She shouldnt preesume that having children is so easy for everyone she is so annoying   Also asked by someone else if i was going to have children just said maybe in the future dont know what to say. I think my impending birthday is getting me down as well another year older Grr rrrrr sorry about me post as feel cant share comments with DP as he gets annoyed and doesnt know what to say.

Love and luck to everyone
Sarahxxxxx


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## Pol

Hello

Personally speaking, I'm someone who just says when people are being hurtful eg to this woman, I would have just said, 'Actually it isn't possible for me to have children, so I'd be grateful if you didn't make comments like that'.  How are people to know and stop doing it if we don't stand up for ourselves, is my attitude.  

However, I do think we should also keep this in perspective.  For instance I have a very close friend who lost her younger brother (aged 21) to cancer.  I'm sure she has people complaining about their brothers forgetting birthdays, being bad at keeping in touch, being thoughtless, having unsuitable cars / girlfriends etc all the time.  Similarly I remember once complaining to a colleague about my mum driving me up the wall over somethign, and it turned out she lost her mum when she was only 9.  I'm so grateful to her for saying this to me as it really stopped me in my tracks, but also meant that for the future I was able to know she wasn't the person to vent this sort of thing too, and we've since become close friends (indeed it really did make me reevaluate whether I should be having that sort of conversation about my mum with random acquaintances at all!)  

All sorts of people have all sorts of tragedies in their lives and it's impossible to be totally sensitive to everything whilst also being genuinely yourself, so I feel I have to forgive people for making careless remarks about children just as I have to forgive myself for making careless remarks about other things that make me really wish I'd put my foot in my mouth with hindsight    But if it's someone I'm going to come into contact with frequently then being open about IF is for me personally the only way forwards - it gives them a chance to be more sensitive, and if they don't take it then I know they are someone I don't much like and henceforth will have as little as possible to do with!

Besides, I'm with Bernie - there is so much else out there in life, I refuse to let my childlessness ruin it all for me, even if it is the worst thing to happen to me so far!  Yes, it takes time, and you have to be gentle with yourself (and I do still have times when it get's all on top of me) but I'm 100% happier now than I have been since we started ttc!  I know I'm very lucky in being able to find joy again, but it has also taken a lot of hard work, discipline (refusing to let myself be bitter) and thinking, and communicating with people and opening myself up to them and to new things to get me on this path to recovery.

I hope this doesn't offend, but I really felt it needed saying ...  
Jx


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## Charlie5

Pol

Don't get me wrong i feel i am dealing with If quite positively too, i have been doing a BA Honours degree in Early Years for 3 years as well as working full time as a creche Supervisor, completing the degree is going to be a big achievement for me and is something that has helped keep me focused after failed treatments. Personally i have thought about telling this woman but in a room full of other people i find it off putting, I also know that i wouldn't trust this woman not to tell everyone else if i told her on her own and i don't want everyone to feel sorry for me or know my personal business.. I just think that people shouldn't presume that getting pregnant is so easy for everyone.  

Sarah


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## Bambam

I have removed a post from this thread that I felt wasn't appropriate to this moving on board. This board is for those for whom there are no longer any available options regarding successfully achieving a birth child of their own   I hope you all understand?  

Amanda xx


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## Charlie5

Hi Amanda

I havnt noticed that you have taken anything off was it a reply from my last comment ?

Sarahxx


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## Bambam

Hi Sarah

It hadn't been on very long when i spotted it this morning and it wasn't a response to your post or anyone elses on the thread 

Hope you're having a great weekend  

Amanda xx


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## Charlie5

Thanks Amanda xxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly)

Whenever I hear colleagues and others moaning about their children or problems of pregnancy or the prospect of the up and coming birth that they are scared of (probably quite understandably in the latter case), if I am acquainted sufficiently, I just tell them.....
I say something to the effect of "don't complain - at least you can have children/be pregnant/give birth - I would give _anything_ to be in your shoes right now! You are soooo lucky!" I say it with an expression to convey my meaning  then smile. 
They normally shut up , raise an eyebrow  then realise that they have put a foot in it.


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## deliadoll

Hi Girls

it was really nice to read all your posts on this subject as it all feels very familiar.
Pol, yours in particular really made me think about things and I will try to keep things in perspective from now on. You are so right in everything you say.

I do understand that most people, particularly the older generation just don't mean anything by it as they came from an era when you married at 20 and had three kids by the time you were 30.

All that said, when people ask me this very personal questions "when are you having kids" whilst prodding me in the tummy as if to check if there's anything other than fat in there, I'm always so tempted to shock the life out of them and something like "no sorry, I hate kids" or "no we can't, my husband had his willy cut off" or just randomly ask them a personal question like "so dear to you take it up the..." Would that be very wrong of me?

Keep smiling and laughing do your best to ignore the comments.

Oh dear I hope I don't get into trouble for above rudeness - oops!
dd
x


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## deliadoll

Girls, just read over my post again and I really hope my my naughty comments hasn't offended anyone. Sometimes I type without thinking.
Sorry if I have, I would really hate to have offended anyone.
dd
x


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## Bambam

No telling off required dd, it's nice to be able to have a chuckle  

This board is for all of us to say how we feel and do whatever we can to help each other and if thinking up those responses helps you then that's great


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## deliadoll

Phew, thank goodness for that - been panicking!


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## wishingwell

I have just come back to fertilityfriends and see that your post was quite some time ago, but at least this months!

I think dealing with others comments is the hardest thing for me.  People say the understand, but then say something that proves they don't, but leaves a wound in my heart!

I actually feel that people showed a bit more tact, it would be easier to deal with.

Thank goodness we have this site to come on!

From one who knows, Suzanne


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