# Feeling sad & bitter



## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

I am posting on here because I am inbetween cycles waiting for a hysteroscopy next week before I start my final NHS cycle. Both of my previous cycles have been good embryos but no implantation so I have had some blood tests done (antinuclear antibody and a thrombophilia). I am still waiting on results.

I am finding things really tough as I see more and more friends in real life and friends made through FF become pregnant. 

I am so scared it may never happen to me and I feel I may not have many friends left after as I push them all away as it is so tough hearing about pregnancies all the time  

I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this as I just feel bitter about anyone getting pregnant.

I just don't know what to do... Does anyone else feel like this??


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah honey you aren't alone  

Please feel free to come and join us on the Limbo land thread - there are a few of us in the same position as you (me included). Some ladies are in treatment, some have had a BFP, and there are quite a few of us just waiting for things to start. 

I know what you mean about feeling bitter. I'm naturally a cheerful happy person, but it's increasingly hard sometimes to try and be that person anymore.

Loads of love honey, be kind to yourself  

Xxx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

I feel the same like I have pushed people away, at the same time I feel like some friends have pushed me away, as I feel they don't know how to be with me, how to react and what to say. I feel like some of my friends have decided its easier if they disconnect from me. xx


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## Rumplestiltskin (Mar 11, 2014)

You're really not alone. This is exactly how I feel - and my DH has revealed to me that he feels it, too. Every pregnancy announcement is like a knife, and you just hate that person for their success where you've failed. 

We've been in this for 4 years, and in that time we've known lots of people with some really awful problems - up to and including still birth. However, in the last 4 years, every single one of them has overcome their problems to become parents to at least one, if not two healthy children. And we are still trying. It's such a horrible feeling. 

Just know that we're here for you, and what you're feeling is a normal response to a hideous situation.


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

Thank you all for your lovely comments and the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling like this.
It is such a tough journey. I just hope we will all get our dream in the end. 

X


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## Mrs Courage (Jun 6, 2015)

Hello, this is my first time on here, I feel so sad reading your posts. I am in a similar situation my 1st cycle failed last month and I am now awaiting to start my next cycle in November. I also feel sad, disappointed and let down, and I know it's affecting my work as I am distracted and have lost motivation and interest. I am trying to pull myself out of this negativity  by forcing myself to see friends, eating healthier and taking better care of myself and my needs as I think we all need to try on focus on other things in our lives to get us through these dark times. I know it's tough but we have to find a way to push through and reach our goal without losing ourselves. Much love xx


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## Nenee (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi Misswoo, I have felt the same, when we were cycling I didn't feel too bad at others conceiving but the other day I found out a friend is pregnant and I cried, I don't feel bitter it's more of a longing for a baby and feeling like it will never happen.  Are you going to cycle again ? 

I am having a hysteroscopy too either July/august for biopsies.  Our money is tied up in properties so I can't pay for another cycle until one is ready to sell.  My gyna said to try ICSI next time as my egg quality is rubbish.  

One of my closest friends  had her baby and I made sure I didn't stay away, I go see them regularly and dont feel any jealousy anymore just snuggle baby  it was hard but sooo glad I got through it. 

Mrs courage, I was horrendous just after the failed cycle.  Fell so far behind at work, agitated and far from focused, trying to find sanity didn't come easy,  DP doesn't talk either and bored my friends to death.  

Rumplestiltskin, I said the other day, I have not just watched my friends start trying for a baby but watched them catch in nearly straight away, have their babies and most of them are about walking, one friend has had two.  

Cloudy, I did have a friend that asked me how I felt about her having a baby, luckily I was having a strong day and asked her to just treat me normally . How do we find the limbo land thread Hun? 

Hugs to all, we are not as alone as we think   Xxx


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## Nenee (Feb 9, 2015)

Sorry samandy, just checked my post, some of the post to cloudy was responding to your post xxx


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

Sorry ladies for lack of reply! I am feeling a little better now as I have my cycle coming up. Still upsets me where everyone is getting pregnant but am ok.

Hope you are all ok xx


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## Nenee (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi Misswoo, when do u start DR?  I will start DR in September  x


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

I start at the end of August. My AF is due next Friday and then I start on day 21. I also have a scratch sometime between day 15 and 20 X


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## Sah78 (May 22, 2014)

You will get your time I am sure some people take longer.  I know what u mean about pushing people away you try and be strong but it is a difficult journey and to some ( who don't always deserve it ) it happens to so easily. I hope u get on better with this cycle


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

Thanks Sah, I notice you have had two failed cycles too  I hope we will both be successful on our third xx


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## nudibranch (May 16, 2015)

I feel for you. I don't understand why everyone around me is suddenly announcing pregnancies, just when I start trying...and failing. I got my bfp the week after my sister unexpectedly announced hers. I had never felt so happy. Then I miscarried at 9 weeks and now I hate myself for feeling angry towards her. Its not right that I feel like this. I want to be happy for them but I just keep thinking this should be my journey too, my baby should be reaching the same milestones.  And being born a week later. I really do wish them every happiness but its like a kick in the teeth every time I get an update. Today it was the big ** scan picture/public announcement.  I just closed the page.

we will get there. Keep believing x


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage nudibranch 

My sister announced her pregnancy a month ago and I was initially gutted but now I feel excited to have another niece or nephew on the way.

It is totally normal to feel this way and it is still so raw for you as you are still grieving after your miscarriage.

I am sure as time goes on that you will start to feel the excitement for your new niece or nephew arriving.

Xx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

I feel sad and alone again after yet another failed round, I don't know how I should feel, struggling to feel happy and sad. Want to feel ok, want to feel normal.


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## misswoo (Apr 13, 2014)

So sorry to hear about your BFN jellybeans  
It is perfectly normal to feel sad.
Do you have another cycle coming up? I have managed to cope knowing I had another cycle to focus on as I could start getting myself ready. 
Have you got a follow up booked? 
Xx


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## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

Hey Jellybeans,

Sorry about your bfn. Your OTD was the day before mine and I was bfn too. It's normal to feel sad and alone, you've been through a lot and it's a huge disappointment. 

How are you feeling today? I feel I have good and bad days, luckily more good than bad.

Hope you're ok  

Xxx


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## runningman (Nov 1, 2013)

This feeling is not restricted to women either. I don't so much get bitter at the birth of every child of a friend, but I do get really angry at the complete insensitivity that people display when people (that don't know us nearly well enough) ask when we're going to have kids with the assumption that, as we're childless, we mustn't have been trying.  Depending on my mood at the time, I'll usually just tell people that women's fertility drops off a lot in their late 30s and that it's not always straightforward.  Most people take the hint and change the subject at this point, but it's not uncommon that I'll be told that women these days can have babies into their 40s and that we should do IVF - well thanks for that bit of advice, we hadn't considered that!!

Anyone else feel like they can rip someone's head off when they offer useful advice like this or tell you a story of a friend of a friend who had a baby at 45?  It also annoys me that people often assume that IVF has a near 100% success rate.


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## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

I agree runningman. I'm always shocked at people's insensitivity and ignorance towards infertilty in general. 

Xx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your bfn too dancingdreamer. Yes there are good days and bad days, the good ones make up for the bad ones. Hopefully we will all get there in the end.

runningman, i couldn't agree more with you about how people are so insensitive about having children. I would love to rip there heads off when they come out with some of there useful advice and like you say the amount of people that think its 100% going to work having treatment.


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## Caz15 (May 23, 2015)

Hello, I am new to this thread but know exactly how you feel. Most of my friends have had two children in the time we have been trying to have one. My younger brother recently had his first baby and that's been tough. I have burst into tears on hearing about pregnancies and hate the way I feel. I do have a handful of very supportive friends but have lost touch with most of the people I used to hang out with. I think they feel awkward around me so keep their distance and I don't have the drive to keep up those friendships.

I am also amazed by the insensitivity of some people. On hearing that I'm not yet married (we've been putting that off because TTC has been our priority) and have no children, one "friend" at a school reunion said "oh well, I suppose you don't have to get married if you don't want children". Another friend who knew our situation made me listen to her moan about the fact that her husband wouldn't let them try for a third child. My mother gets it too, "What you haven't got any grandchildren? Not one?". And yes, many people say "it will happen, just relax" and assume that IVF is the cure all. 

It's a really tough process and I wish you all the strength to get through it. 

Caz x


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## miss sd (Apr 24, 2015)

Yes caz, I've heard that so many times 'just relax and it will happen '. OH OK THEN !!!

The absolute last of any couple that we actually know announced their pregnancy yesterday and I almost laughed and just thought 'well there you go '
I've been with my partner 13 years and we know many couples that met years after we initially got tigether and lots of them now have perfect little family's. 

I am angry and bitter too and think I should come off ******** , especially coming up to Christmas there are so many happy family pics 

Also feel like I've over shared with friends during my cycle talking through every step of the way and now feel embarrassed that maybe they really aren't that interested or that they think I should be keeping it more private .  It's so hard though as it's completely taken over my life and it's all I can think about.


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## Caz15 (May 23, 2015)

Hello miss sd, I know exactly what you mean about ********. I did think about coming off it but was worried about becoming more isolated so I just don't look at it very often, and certainly not the news feed which is full of family pictures and funny things that little Jonny did today at school. Anyway, from what I've heard fom my friends with kids, most of them aren't interested in any kids other than their own so it's all a bit of a waste of time really! 

I also understand your concern about over sharing but those friends that I have kept up to date seem to be quite interested in it all as it's not something they'd otherwise hear much about so I wouldn't worry too much. What's done is done but, in future, it might be less stressful for you to limit the number of people to those you know to be interested and sympathetic. At least that's what I've found.

Caz x


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

Hello,

I totally get what you both mean about ******** at the best of times with pictures of perfect families and that it gets so much worst at christmas, I too have thought about coming off ********, but it just plunges us into total isolation, why should we have to cut ourselves off from the world because people don't understand our feelings and pains. Its the hardest and toughest journey any loving couple can go on in there life and i hate it when people give you the old relax and it will happen. Do you not think i have tried that is my response. I have told some people about our cycles but some people just don't get it and I get fed up of some people being so judgemental about, I had one lady tell me to accept its not going to happen and that there are plenty of children already in the world I could just give a home too. 

I wish everyone the strength and love to get the perfect out come. xx


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

We got our 3rd BFN today and its been a dark day. I'm off ******** which has been a good thing but i'm very isolated. Have been receiving lovely text messages from friends in and off and tears are never far away.
This is so so unfair for us all. I feel like cut off from a whole slice of society and am dreading christmas. 
Thinking of you all today x


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## miss sd (Apr 24, 2015)

So sorry to hear that.  Such a horrendous thing to go through.  
Hugs xxx


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## Caz15 (May 23, 2015)

I'm really sorry to hear that too. I got my BFN on Friday and feel very low. I know that time will help but at the moment I'm just trying to get from day to day. Hugs to everyone going through this xx


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

And hugs to you, Caz. You are not alone and i for one am thinking of you this evening xx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

Hugs Buhhumbug,

It is such a tough time and yes time does help but its the struggle to get through the day to start with. It is so isloating, I am so glad of this world on here with such good support and ladies that understand xxx


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi ladies

I wonder if I could join your thread?  I'm really struggling at the moment.  On Friday last week we got our first ever bfp from a hpt.  I'm 35 years old and this is the first time this has ever happened!!!  What a milestone I thought.  Within 3 hours our world came crashing down as I started to bleed heavily    Blood test confirmed that my hcg levels were falling rapidly.

This failure has hit me hard and I just can't seem to shake off the feeling of utter loss.  I feel so sad all of the time and can't stop crying.

I've boxed up all items relating to our IVF and have put them in the cellar out of the way.  I'm sure we will go in for another round but right now I can't think of anything worse.

I just feel so angry!!  On Saturday there was a complete d***head behind me in the car beeping his horn at me.  There was a lorry in front of us that couldn't get past about 15 cyclists as we were on a country road.  I was so angry that I almost got out of the car to confront them.  I could quite easily have kicked his door in.  I'm honestly not usually like this.

xxxx


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## Inca43 (Jul 12, 2015)

Hi steph
So sorry for your loss and so sad for all of us going through both mc and bfn and also the daily torment of being without the kids we so want. Steph you are naturally going to feel very angry, it was so close and yet slipped away. I too had an early mc and also a chemical preg both of which left me utterly despondent and without hope. I slowly and steadily worked through the loss and although I will always mourn the loss of those I found hope again. Those days will come back but for now, rage and cry and do whatever you need to do to look after yourself. sending you hugs and love and the support and knowledge that others feel and have felt exactly the same way xxxx


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Thank you for your response, it's so nice to know you're not on your own. I see from your signature you've had your own emotional journey, I sometimes wonder if we knew what was in store for us we'd still put ourselves through it. I suppose when you hold that baby it all becomes worth it. 

Wishing you all the very best luck for 20th, you really deserve your happy ending
Xxxxx


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## Caz15 (May 23, 2015)

Steph, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. It's all so unfair and not surprising at all that you're angry. As you can see, you're absolutely not alone. I'm thinking that I may get some counselling. I did have some when we made the decision to move on to donor eggs but it may help now. I'm trying to console myself with the fact that even if it doesn't work in the end we gave it our best shot.  I wish you all the strength to get through this.

Inca, wishing you the very best of luck.

Caz xx


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## Inca43 (Jul 12, 2015)

Caz and Steph
Thanks for your replies. I do believe that no matter how this journey ends I will / we will all be ok. For me, it matters massively that we give it absolutely our best shot at having a family, through ivf or adoption or whatever. One day there will come a time when either that dream is realised or equally we recognise that we cannot go on living like this and it will be time to work through the pain and move on. I do feel like as absolutely painful as this journey is, it is building strength and resilience in me that I've never had before and that will always stand me in good stead for lifes storms. Sending you strength and love girls, its a lonely road but one we are on together xxx


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## TheEmz (Nov 3, 2015)

Caz, Steph and Inca,

That was just what I needed to hear, thank you. I've just got a BFN on our 2nd round of ICSI and can totally identify with all the crazy feelings, sad, lost, alone and above all angry. It's so unfair! It really is a lonely road and it helps beyond measure to know that others are on it too.

Steph I think you're right. After our last round I was so angry I couldn't even bring myself to attend the follow up appointment. It took 3 or 4 months but my feelings changed and here we are again. I'm sure you'll get the hope back and it will happen for you, just give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Regarding disclosure we haven't told anyone not even my mum and sister and I'm quite close to them. It has been really hard not being able to talk to them about it but I'm so glad now that I don't have to deal with all that pity. I just want to forget it and move on, I don't want to have to recount it umpteen times and see that look in people's eyes. I refuse to let it define me. 

Sorry rant over, thanks for listening and understanding, when no one else can. Love and hugs to all xXx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

Hello ladies,
The anger and rage is to be expected, you have to let it all out along with all the tears to help with dealing with the loss before you get to the better days and find the hope and strength to go to another cycle. I totally did the same when it came to packing away all the medication and discarding all the unneeded needles and pills. That helped to make me feel better.

Hugs to everyone. xx


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## Lizzy Fox (Nov 7, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I would like to join the thread too!

All of our couple friends are either parents or expecting, its been like an epidemic these last 2 years. And we are the only ones left behind.

Most of the time I feel OK, longish periods of isolation help a lot, seeing friends with kids isn't so bad either, for me the worst is seeing other pregnant women. I don't have a problem with them being happy, I wouldn't wish them to through what I'm going through, but I just want to be happy too. Does that make me a bad person? Yes, I know it does, but it is really difficult to shake off the feeling of uselessness and, of course, envy is there too.

I would also like to agree with everyone here that people can be such a bunch of cruel ignorant ********  everyone feels compelled to ask us when we are planning to have children, or if I am pregnant yet, or tell us how the biological clock is ticking, or worse: something implying their moral superiority like how they didn't want to wait until they would have age-related fertility problems and how the health of their child was their first priority, and did I know that the probability of birth defects increases with age? Once I snapped at one of these women telling her all about my health problems, shut her right up. It was actually really satisfying, she felt really guilty and uncomfortable  the next time this happened and I tried this strategy again, but this time I was not so lucky, I got an absolutely tactless cow who started offering me stupid advise like going to my GP and asking for IVF. And when I told her that IVF wasn't 100% effective, she rolled her eyes at me and said that she can't believe that I won't even try IVF. I never said such a thing! It is still a mystery to me how she jumped to that conclusion. Grinds my gears when people do that! 

OK, rant over, sorry about that! 

Lizzy.


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## lemongrass (Sep 19, 2015)

Hello!

Can I join this thread too?  I am on one of the cycle chat threads, but not much venting goes on there ...

Bahumbug, Caz15, Steph123, The Emz and others, so sorry to hear about your BFNs (or in Steph's case, the BFP followed by bleeding ...)

I have a two year old son, conceived naturally, but on TTC no. 2 learned that I have DOR.  I have done one failed cycle of natural cycle IVF, which my consultant recommended due to my DOR.  I will start my second round in just over 2 weeks.

It is such a tough road but I take heart from the fact that the lady who started this thread ('Feeling sad and bitter'), misswoo, is now pregnant!!  

The urge to vent today comes from (as one of you ladies described it) what seems like an epidemic of pregnancies around me.  In just the last 4 days I have had two pregnancy announcements.  One is from a friend who is pregnant with her second, though she had her first a whole year after me!  (For some reason, I find this a particularly annoying category of pregnancy announcement ...)  The other came from totally unexpected quarters - the couple who live next door who had previously declared that they "weren't kids people"!  This is all just when I thought every one I knew who could possibly be pregnant was already pregnant.

And I feel like this despite already having a child, so I can only imagine how irritating and upsetting it is when you are trying for your first ...

Steph123 - I totally identify with your anger, and sudden tendency toward violent outbursts.  I actually came quite close to throwing a printer out a window the other weekend - I don't know what I was thinking ...  I always calm down quickly but it's still scary, the extent to which I can get worked up! 

xx


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## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

Hey ladies,

Hope you're all ok. Glad this tread is still going strong as we all need a rant sometimes!

Lemongrass - we were cycle buddies (with the lovely Miss Woo!) so I'm pleased to hear you're starting again in a couple of weeks  good luck!

I have been feeling angry, bitter, sad etc too since the end of my failed cycle so today I had my first counciling session at our clinic. The main reason was because I'm also finding all the pregnancy announcements so difficult! It's such a weird thing, someone's good news can make you feel so bad! Seeing pregnant or friends with babies has been giving me such bad anxiety lately. The councillor basically said today that I don't have to keep putting myself in situations with these people and that its ok to not see them if I find it too upsetting. 

I know people don't always mean to say such stupid and insentive comments, but I just don't need to be around that at the moment. 

Xxx


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## lemongrass (Sep 19, 2015)

Hi dancingdreamer!  Of course we were - I'm sorry that you're also going through a sad, angry and bitter patch, but great that you've organised counselling.  What the counsellor said sounds really sensible - why should you have to go to stuff that's going to make you feel bad?  It's ok to say no to things, and put yourself first!  I recently said no to a christening invitation simply because I just thought "nup, I'm not up for that right now." 

Weirdly, I find the pregnancy news and seeing pregnant friends harder than actually seeing the new arrivals. It may be a combination of pregnancy being the immediate state that I seek right now, and the fact that I know how much hard work it is when the LO actually arrives so their lives no longer seem quite so enviable(!)  

All the best, and I really hope you find the counselling helpful (both for your sake, and because it might make me try it!)

Hi to everyone else!

xxx


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## Inca43 (Jul 12, 2015)

Hi
on the note of refusing to go to things I hardly see friends of ours since they got pregnant with and had their last baby. They know why and other friends know why and I'm just about ok with that. I guess I hate feeling it but have no choice but to feel it. When I do see them its ok but I really don't want to spend any time around them being parents to a little one or around the little one, as its too painful and so I don't.

As for counselling, I have had it on and off for the last year. I went private as there was no counsellor in my clinic - argc and in my current clininc Care northants I just don't feel I could do good work with her. I went through the fert counsellors website to find her and looked at people who Skype as there were hardly any in my area. She has been a god sent through all this and I can honestly say that I don't think I'd have been able to move to Donor eggs before going through all my feelings with her. She has been and is wonderful. I pay £50 an hour and its worth every penny.

I'm going mental today with just 3 days to go before otd. Hugs all round girls


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## lemongrass (Sep 19, 2015)

Gosh, that's exciting Inca!!  sending you lots of baby dust   xx


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## Inca43 (Jul 12, 2015)

oooh thanks lemongrass but it doesn't feel exciting   I just feel insanely jealous of my friend whos just had own egg collection and had 9 eggs and I feel so sad and jealous I didn't even get that with donor eggs. Feel like the most unluckiest person. Some days you just feel sorry for yourself and this is one of those


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## lemongrass (Sep 19, 2015)

Oh, there's not that much difference between 6 and 9 eggs - 6 sounds like a good number to me!  And you only need one, as everyone says   
You'll have a better day tomorrow I'm sure
And if it doesn't work out this time, though I really hope that it will, maybe you'll get a bumper crop of donor eggs next time (if there will be a next time)! 
Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy


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## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

Hey everyone,

Lemongrass - thanks for the comments, and pleased to hear you are putting yourself first too. That was really brave to say no to the christening. It's so easy to go along to things to please other people. The councillor made me realise that I need to prioritise my own feelings. If you think you may benefit from a councillor I would say give it a go, try one session and see how you feel. It's really helpful having one who is a specialist in infertility as she was familiar with the process and everything that goes with it. 

Inca - Pleased to hear your counciling is proving to be such a great help and comfort. Don't beat yourself up about the eggs. Hang in there and good luck with your OTD!

Xx


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## lillybean11 (Jun 18, 2013)

Inca fingers crossed for some fab news in the morning, so hoping its what we need to give us all a boost, and some proof there is hope still. I am unsure counselling would help change my feelings about anything, I have this odd habit of sorting things in boxes into my brain and filing things away, feel like I have more thinking to do after an appointment with the nurse at my clinic on Monday, she has told us different things to the follow up we had with the Dr, now back to the waiting game of a start date, I feel like hiding away from the world this week as its been a week filled with pregnant women rubbing there bumps and the when are you having? its time you had surely. Hope everyone else is feeling as ok as they can be. 

Hugs and love to all 

xx


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