# How to explain things to a child?



## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Hello everyone,

Am hoping for a bit of advice really. I'm sure our Social Worker will be able to give us some advice on this too, but would really like some ideas.

My best friend and I were having a good old chin-wag last night (as always according to my DH   ). She has a four year old little girl, who is an only child, will call her xx for the sake of making things simpler.
XX comes to stay as often as possible with us, often for a few days at a time since we have moved away from where she lives. She's the light of our lives right now, and teaches us so much. 
As all children do at this age, she has battles with other children about sharing and getting someones full attention, and obviously she is used to her 'holidays' down here being just the three of us. 
Her mum and I were talking about difficulties this may throw up when we begin to foster. Not only will she suddenly have to share us and toys, but she wont get the natural progression of seeing me pg first, and of course also we could get a child the very same age as her which would be doubly confusing. Also there may be times when she sees us with a different child to the one we had last time she saw us. 
AT this age she doesn't yet quite understand that all adults aren't in fact mummys and daddys, although of course we are trying to explain this to her! 
We were thinking that we would start talking to her about fostering, make it a word and a subject that she is familiar with and prepare her for something different. 

Our thoughts so far are to explain it somehting like this...
that aunty Lou and uncle Steve are not able to have children of their own. (if she asks why then we will just say because some people can't and sometimes we never know why)
and that instead they are going to look after other children who's mummys or daddy's can't look after them at the moment (if she asks why we will say sometimes they are busy or sad or poorly or that they have to go away for a little while)
We thought we would also explain that one time she might see us and we have a little girl, and sometimes she might see us and we have a little boy, sometimes it might be a baby and sometimes it might be a child of the same age as her.
We thought we would end with saying that it doesn't mean she is any less special to us and that she can talk and ask questions about it as much as she wants to. 

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on  this that they think we should know?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this.

Love Lou W xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi lou 

I have 4 nieces and nephews all under 7 and i also had to think what to say to them. 
I asked their parents advice and they said to me children are more unsuspecting than most   as in they explained we would have children staying with us and what did they think. And my 6 year old neices reply was well aunty isnt going to cook for them is she ! 
I think they were just told that some childrens mummy and daddies couldnt look after them sometimes and would be staying with us for a while and that seemed to be all they needed to know.
Guess it also depends on the situation and the children concerned 

love
suzie xx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Lou,

one thign sprung to mind. There a book on how to explain adoption to children.....so i'm sure you wcould adapt it for fostering. I'll try and remmeber the name, but its basically about a little hedgehog who needs to be adopted....am racking my brain for the name....maybe someone else on here can remmeber.

But don't worry about it too much. Children are 100 times more adaptable than adults. She'll probably really enjoy having someone closer to her own age to play with.

I had a very funny conversation with my nephew about us adopting. he's 7, and did rquest that we got someone the same age as him so he'd have someone to play with. But when I asked him what it meant to adopt he said......i know all about it ruth, its becasue of all the people who died in the tsunami, and their children need new mommy's and daddy's to take care of them.....how sweet!


good luck, and if i rememebr the name of the book I'll let you now,
XXRuthie


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Thanks Suzie and Ruth, a book sounds like a great idea. 
I try and write children's stories so maybe I could even have a go myself!

If anyone else has any ideas would love to hear them too.

Love Lou W xxxxxxxxx


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## lounea (Jun 12, 2005)

Hiya Lou
I guess I agree with the others, that children will adapt to this easily, and probably quite enjoy extra play mates! Your idea is a great way of explaining things and I explain it that way to children i work with when they are being looked after by foster carers, just "mummy and daddy are having some problems at the moment which means they aren't able to look after you and therefore XX is going to look after you until you can go back to live with your family (or we can find you a forever mummy and daddy )  I would recommend chester and daisy move on,but if you are creative and can make your own story up that would be special for You rxx and for any foster children who come to you.  

good luck xx lou


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## Luc (Jan 30, 2006)

hi 

sorry cant be of help re fostering but i agree children just accept what you say and they dont find things we stuggle to get our heads round, wierd. ny nephew who is just six had obviously picked up from mine and my sisters conversations bout our last icsi. i had no idea he had even been listening. our tx which was few weeks ago was bfn. he asked me at the weekend, when i was going to have my babies. i asked him what babies, i'm not having any, and he said 'you know those two eggs they put in you at the hospital'. i explained to him that not all eggs can make babies (used a chicken and egg to explain, he has egg laying hens in his garden which made it easier), he was perfectly fine with that explanation just said oh ok and changed the subject! he was dead sweet couldnt believe he had picked it up so accurately but thats kids. anyway i think your prob more worried than your friends little girl will be she will prob be fine with any explantion you decide to give. 

Lucy


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi

Can't offer any advice about fostering, but I know how resilient kids can be, and just seem to accept whatever.

2-3 years ago, when our nephew would've been about 7/8yrs, he suddenly said one day to me "When you and Uncle XXX got married, why didn't you have a baby?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was a little set-back to say the least! I just replied, "Because we didn't" - he didn't ask any more, went back to whatever he was doing. Neither us, nor his parents had any idea that question was coming, because he'd never mentioned it before then. From then, we planned how to explain things to him, when the time came, ie. if I got pregnant, or adopted.
His new cousin arrived last year - and from day1 she's been just that to him, no questions or anything. We, luckily haven't had to explain anything to him.

If I'd have had to, or if that question comes one day, I planned to say something like "my tummy doesn't make babies, so we've adopted xxxx and now we're her new mummy & daddy".
I am assuming that he's heard about adoption (and probably fostering too) at school. Because he seems very accepting of almost anything, and I think that goes for most kids.

Good luck x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Lou

What you have thought to say sounds fine, but expect the unexpected as no matter how much you rehearse, it never quite goes according to plan.

The book Ruth was on about for adults is in the link below. I have got it and read it loads of times.

http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/book_talkaboutadopt.shtml

They also do one for children about Nutmeg the squirrel, there are a few in the series but this is the one about being placed for adoption

http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/book_nutmegadopt.shtml

Hope these help, but I am sure you will be fine.

Good luck
Karen x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Lou

You've already been given some great advice & none better than your own.

It shows you have taken the time to think & understand what questions might arise but like Karen says expect the unexpected.

I'm sure things will be fine for you & your friends little girl, she'll know she is still special BUT that also that you are both special for wanting to help these children for what every reason they may come to you 

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

yep I'd get hold of the nutmeg book- nutmeg gets adopted covers nutmeg and his siblings timein foster care, is a really good start point for discussions, and helps explain the common one that seemed to come up with my nieces which was "doesn't their mummy love them?". it deals very well with how it is about keeping children safe and being well enough to look after them. highly recommended with adult notes in the back.


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## Lou W (Nov 1, 2005)

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd update you on this one, as me and bf's little one had a chat at the weekend about fostering. 
It worked out really well actually as we were sat watching Peter Pan, who said that he didn't have a mummy and daddy and that led into the conversation perfectly as she started asking questions.
She was, as most of you expected, very accepting of it. 
The thing that really made me laugh is when we were talking about it she couldn't stop giggling at the word foster!! She kept saying 'foster! Thats such a funny word!!' and then laughing! 
Bless! 
Hope that's put a smile on your faces - kids are so funny!

Lou xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

It made me smile Lou & your right kids are funny & it won't be long before you have a house full!

Love
Andrea
xx


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