# Feel wretched



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi all
I feel absolutely dreadful I think I have PAD and I'm really frightened. Went to GP this morning and have a prescription which I definitely think I need. 
My feelings for DS fluctuate hourly from fondness (not love) to absolutely can't stand the sight of him and writing that makes me feel like a terrible person. He's only 2. DD is delightful and I really like her though is not love and sometimes I do feel upset and irritated when she is having a paddy.  

Has anyone felt so negatively about their child and then gone on to be ok? Like I said I don't always feel like it and only yesterday morning I felt positive. Yesterday evening I didn't like him again. Last night liked him. This morning ok until half hour ago when he threw something hard at the dog on purpose and laughed when I tried to tell him that was wrong. 

I get annoyed with him too easily and find it hard to be therapeutic. With DD I find its easy but she's 3 so listens better and doesn't try to hurt the dog. 

My mum is staying for a few days as I asked for help but she's going on holiday next week and I'm dreading being alone with LOs I feel terrified. 

I'd love to hear from anyone who has felt this bad and recovered. I honestly wish the children weren't here and I could get my life back. I haven't felt like this before, it was tough but I felt positive but now that's changed. LOs have been here 4 months. 

I keep fantasising about disrupting but then feel better and positive again. My parents adore the children and it would break their hearts. DH struggles to get time off work so isn't around. 
DH said if we disrupted he would get over it as his main concern is for me. 

But I didn't feel like disrupting last night or Wednesday afternoon. Did on Tuesday night and this morning. But it's too big a deal to really consider. 
I have an awful feeling of dread in my stomach all the time. And I'm exhausted, DS wakes up several times in the night (not every night) and I get a poor nights sleep quite often. 
Until today I'd had hardly any time away from them. But today I did leave them with my mum for 2 hours n visited a friend.  They are a bit peeved with me now I'm home DD is throwing stuff and DS doesn't seem interested in me, he's normally suffocatingly clingy at this time of day so its nice that he isn't but I wonder why he's all for grandma at the moment. 

At the recent LAC review everyone agreed that both LOs should go to nursery because they need the structure and also because it's the only chance of a break for me as my parents live hours away. 

I posted on the post placement board but only had one reply so thought I'd try my luck here too. 

Please please help if you've been anywhere near here 
Thank you xx


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Goofy girl I have no advice or experience but didn't want to read and run. You've been incredibly brave sharing your feelings and I'm sure that's a huge step forward. 
I can't begin to imagine how hard it is with 2 little ones, any child arriving into your family grown and developed with their own ways is a huge shock let alone two. 
I know lately I've been craving time by myself, just stupid things that can't even pop to the local shop (not in our village) without buggy, baby etc so I don't bother and find myself stuck in a lot. Could this also be a factor for you that you don't get time just for you and that makes you more inclined to be resentful of them?
As I said I haven't been through this but couldn't ignore your post so hope someone with some experience in it comes along soon for you. X


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

GoofyGirl  

Although I don't have the chance to write a long reply today, I too couldn't read and run 

Along with all the many things I wish I had the time to say to you, one major thing that stands out is the point about nursery. It'd make a huge difference to you, and will be so positive for your lo's.
Just getting a little bit of space and time alone to your thoughts, space to 'decompress' would really help, not only your state of mind, but also for your physical health 

One other thing is, alongside all you are feeling/dealing with atm, sleep deprivation is totally debilitating. I know that first hand.
If there's any chance for you to catch up on some sleep, eg the weekend when DH is home, or when they are on naps or eventually at nursery, that'd also make a huge difference.

Lastly, (and I know that when you are feeling low it's often the last thing you feel like doing) but try to get out at least once a day, even if it's just to the shops or around the block. The fresh air and change of scene also makes a difference.

I'm so sorry I don't have time to write more, as I really feel for you and know that it's likely people around you wont really understand or know the best way to offer support. Noone totally understand unless they have walked in your shoes 

I'm glad you have asked for support from your GP & SW, and aren't bottling things up. It's a massive change for all of you and even in the 'simplest' of cases the first few months are so very hard and extremely exhausting. No one can prepare you for it, and its so hard to explain what you are going through to others.
When I found things were getting on top of me, I broke the day up into bits and tried to feel proud of myself for every little part of the routine achieved. It may sound daft, but just made things feel more manageable.  

I'll have to leave it there and have only scratched the surface of what I wanted to say, but I know others will be along to offer further support.

Big hugs to you, try to be kind to yourself, what you are doing is huge and you are amazing, just keep reminding yourself of that 
x x x x

Ps...I'm so sorry if my post has come out a little 'garbled' but I'm multi-tasking badly with a very loud 5 & 2 year old around me


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for your support Becs I'm touched by your reply. Had a massive sleep yesterday afternoon whilst my mum n DH were looking after LOs and I did feel better for it. When I got up DS was desperate to get to me, he saw me from the bottom of the stairs and I felt wanted and needed which was nice. 
This morning I feel very low and worried but can see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Angelissa thank you also. I think you did very well multitasking and your reply makes sense. We do go out every day but DS runs off a lot and doesn't come back and I end up feeling really upset as don't have the energy to keep chasing him. I used to have loads of energy but these last few days I have virtually zero. 
So trying to keep to places where he can't run off. In the buggy they are ok but only for short time as DD starts whinging to get out and then if she gets out he has a massive paddy and wants to get out and I can't manage them both and the buggy so I don't let either out unless we are in park. But that's when DS runs off and I get annoyed because it ruins it for me. 
Nursery is definitely the way forward and I'm going to try to arrange it for the days when we have nothing to do i.e. When toddler groups aren't on so we have something everyday which doesn't have to include chasing him in the park. When I feel stronger we can go back to park. 
Just wish I had someone near like my parents who are always there and happy to be called upon it would reassure me a bit. 
Does anyone have advice as to anyway of finding such a person? I'll ask SW if there are any volunteers who help with struggling families. Just knowing they were there would help. 

Thanks again GG xxxx


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Sending you a huge hug gg.  Well done for asking for help - that is a massive step. Our experience isn't the same as yours but I did find the first few months a struggle even though we had an easy little pink.  I struggled for a long time worrying that I didn't love her and felt like I was just a babysitter.  I was ill during introductions with a bug caught from lo and it left me wanting to gag at the smell of her because of the fabric softener foster carer used on her clothes.  That feeling stayed with me for quite a while (and I still get a wave of nausea if I get a waft of the fabric softener) and i think stopped me from bonding with her as quickly as dh did.  I had days where I thought we'd made a huge mistake, but gradually things changed.  I think having time for yourself is a massive thing, even if it's just having a bath.  I found it helped me by taking the day in little chunks and having a plan for things to do.  Have you tried the little back packs you can get with a harness attached to them? Our lo is too young for hers yet but know quite a few mums who have used them and gives lo freedom to run around but still attached to you so can't run off.  Ask your sw about whether there are any adoption parent groups in your area. Do you keep in touch with anyone from your prep group who has similar aged children or sw might be able to put you in touch with other adopters of similar aged children in your area? I know it's not the same as someone being there with you in person, but we're all here for you so please vent on here as much as you need to.  Sometimes just getting it out of your system helps and you know that we all understand what your going through.
Keep talking, be kind to yourself.  Things will get better - you're amazing.


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Goofy, my auntie is that person you are looking for. She regularly helps a lady with twins. She goes shopping with them, to the park, sometimes she just sits and chats while their mum is srting stuff in the house that sortnof thing. I'm seeing her this afternoon so I will ask how it came about. X


----------



## Lollipoppet (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry to step in. Sorry you are feeling this way. I know nothing of the challenges of adoption beyond what I have read (do please forgive me offering my views from a point of ignorance, I really don't mean to offend) but I do know there are days I don't like my own kids a whole lot either. Though now I love them so much I would die fighting for them. The not liking them is a normal thing I would argue. Love takes time to grow, whatever way a child comes into your life, and before it does the tough times are really hard to swallow. There have been times I have been really low. Those times you do wonder where you would be if you hadn't fought so hard to have a family. In most cases I would say it will sort itself our. Kids have a way of pushing buttons sometimes whether they intend to or not. 

Anyway, reason for my butting in was to say you should look up Homestart, they are volunteers who come in to give you a hand with your family. You can self refer our gp/health visitor can refer too I think.

Good luck


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Goofy I was about to echo lollipop. I asked my aunt and it is through home start. The girl she helps was referred through her Hv and they have a lovely time together.
Hope this helps xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry to hear of your struggles. You have definitely done the right thing by being open and asking for help. You acknowledge your struggles and want to feel better for yourself and your family. That alone makes you a fabulous mummy. As soon as I read your post I immediately thought of Homestart, and I see it's been mentioned. I think this is your way forward. I think it's voluntary and a 'helper' comes once a week to support with outings, housework, shopping or just a friendly face and a listening ear. Ask your local children's centre or health visitor for more information. Sending love and strength and I hope that light at the end of the tunnel begins to shine brighter for you xxx


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I've emailed homestart. Can't wait to hear from them 
Really appreciate your help thank you xxxx


----------



## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi GG


I have had those exact same feelings on and off with our son since he came to us. It took time for me to say that I loved him, and like you say there were times and there still are times now when I plain don't like him. But I think that is pretty normal, parenting is hard work and kids can be really challenging at times. And I only have one so I can't imagine what 2 is like. We were approved for 2 originally and I must admit I don't think I could have coped with 2.


So give yourself a huge pat on the back, toddlers really are hard work, mine is now 4 and it is miles easier, though there are times like this morning that I really feel like sending him back lol    


I also don't have a huge amount of help and at times have really needed it. Nursery really is a godsend and last year made the decision for him to go every day and it really has been a huge help to get some me time every day. He also loves it so it is a win win on both sides.


Hope you get some extra help too and be gentle on yourself xx


----------



## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Goofy two year olds are little terrors...mine changes from being a saint to having a melt down in 0.1 seconds flat...

I've two, under one and under 2 so for now I'm lucky the baby can't walk or wants to get out the pushchair. I'm finding chest reigns really useful for situations where he really can't run off (carparks)...

He does go to nurseey once a week an he loves it as do I to gather a few hours to miss him! 

There's certain groups ive found really work well with two, an others that are a living nightmare. 

Sending a massive hug, be kind to yourself...we all need a break...


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Big hugs for you, GG, well done for speaking out.  Yes, see GP and talk to SW - the SW especially should be invested in making sure you succeed!  

Thinking on from the thing mentioned about fabric softener... do you have a scent that you associate with feeling happy and relaxed?  A favourite hand cream or something?  Can you get it onto LO at all.....?  Just a thought.


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks everyone again. I can't believe I'm wishing our lives away until they are older but I am. 
Just having ten minutes whilst my mum is with them and I honestly don't know what I'll do when she's gone. 
I have no energy which is really unlike me I've always been so fit and energetic. 
Hmm I do like lavender and we have some in the garden so might get DS to rub some in his hands. 
When he's cuddly without grouchiness I do like his smell now but it's not enough when he's terrorising. 
Feel like I've made a massive mistake and can't remember why I wanted kids in the first place. Really can't. Feel foolish for going ahead, maybe I only wanted them cos I couldn't have them or something. I can't think straight I guess. 
When the depression goes hopefully there will be some joy. But for now I keep fantasising about not having them. If I could disrupt without repercussion I definitely would.


----------



## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Xxxx


----------



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi GG,

I have 1 BC and 1 AD.  There are times when i'd cheerfully give both back,  that also goes for DH who has been my soul mate for 16 years.  I really don't want to under play your feelings,  it's really hard to know what is a passing feeling that will change or a feeling that won't go away completely.  If you have depression it's even harder to understand your true feelings as opposed to the influence of your illness.

In the early days (and i mean at least 12 months) most people struggle and feel they've done the wrong thing embarking on adoption.  Most people worry they don't and will never love their adopted child/children.  I know i certainly did.  I think it's important to give yourself a break, it doesn't really matter how genuine your feelings are at the moment,  just keep faking for now.  I used to set myself a target of telling DD i loved her at least 10 times each day,  I gave myself a bonus (chocolate bar) if i managed to do it when my feelings for her had no resemblance to my words.  I gave myself a date in the future to consider if i really wanted to continue,  eg,  I will decide after 6 months if this is really what I/We want.  In doing that it took the "option" of disruption away for a set time and i knew i'd do my very best and if it still wasn't working at my consideration point I'd know i'd done as much as i possibly could.  By the time the 6 months had passed it had started (slowly) to get a lot easier.

It's strange to describe but my feelings for DD grew stronger over a long period of time.  I can't pinpoint a specific time but slowly i started to enjoy her company and at some point i stopped faking my feelings for her. 

She is a live wire,  i managed to find a large park nearby which had only 1 exit,  i'd stand by the exit so she couldn't get out then just let her run and run.  Didn't matter if she didn't come back for ages though a handy chocolate biscuit was always helpful.  I started to get to know her better so i could get the right balance of exhausted so will sleep well rather than an over tired nightmare.  It probably sounds mad but i kept a notebook of how long she'd played for before becoming cranky so i could predict her behaviour better. 

She has settle so much now,  we are all very different.  The personality traits that irritate in the beginning may be very different in a few months time.

I hope this makes some sense.  Always happy for a chat if you need a chat,  feel free to PM me.

Jules


----------



## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

Goofy   I've just read this and I felt exactly like you when my 2 boys were born. I have no experience of adoption but the feelings you have is typical of sleep dep, stress, life being totally turned upside down. I was diagnosed with pnd after 8 months. I'm now on anti-ds. My boys are 3 and 4. 

I did smile when you described your DS while out as that's my 3 year old to a tee!  

The early days I could of walked away. I would often have fleeting thoughts of sending them for adoption   and yes I wished they were older.   now they are older I can see a little bit more clearly and look back and think it wasn't all that bad but my tiredness and stress levels just got in the way. I was terrible when the youngest came along. I just couldn't cope.  But now they are older I can enjoy them much more. It's still hard work and the older one is still very full on but its worth it. 

The older one is at school now and I can actually enjoy time with the 3 yr old which I never got with the older one as I had the baby. So this phase is all new and nice for me.

Defiantly look at home start but I think you need to be referred by a health visitor. There is s waiting list. Hopefully I'm wrong there! 

Look at nursery too. Do you go to toddler groups? I couldn't cope without my groups! And have you been to the doctor yet? Please go if you haven't! Don't be afraid to ask for help whether it's physical help or medication. It will help you with your stress and anxiety. 

Big hugs


----------



## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

Just read you've got a prescription.   have you started them yet? 
There's a pnd board on here. You have to ask to join it as its private. 
The mess will take a month to kick in but after 2 wks you should feel a bit better.


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks so much. 
I've started my meds so hope they kick in soon. 
I contacted home start and got a terribly upsetting reply. There is no funding for it where I live and the woman who emailed me said I should look up voluntary help in my area (not home start) but didn't even give me any leads. 
I've left a message for my SW so hope she can sort something out for me. 

Just had to escape again but luckily my parents are here. DS sabotaging everything DD does then she lashes out throws rings around in a rage and spits all over the floor / furniture. I can't help but feel so angry at DS as he causes almost all the fights and I can't cope with them at the moment. DD behaviour has gone downhill I think cos my parents are here. But I need them so it's a vicious circle. 
I'm really frightened and feel so sad and alone even though I'm surrounded by people. 

Hope SW can give me proper support or help me to get them in nursery or crèche as an emergency. 
Mum n dad leave tomorrow and I seriously cannot do this.


----------



## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

They're probably  picking up on your anxiety. If you're feeling crap then everything will seem awful around you. Are there any toddler groups you can join?


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Oh Goofy   


You sound so sad. I hope the SW is supportive.


If there's no Homestart, how about a Children's Centre? See what they have going on?


Do you have an after adoption support in your area? We have one in Yorkshire and they do all sorts of drop in groups and courses.


----------



## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Oh Goofy I too hope sw can come up with some practical support. Is there any way dh could be a bit flexible at work? I'm really lucky in that mine has flexitime so can go in a bit later which means he can help get lo sorted whilst I get myself ready. Likewise he can come home a bit earlier if Ive had a tough day. 
Do you like anything like swimming? I find that so relaxing as can just let your mind wander and enjoy the water. If so could you try and get out and do something like that after the kids are in bed so you get some proper downtime away from the situation?  The needs are one thing but you do obviously need practical help too. Do you have any other friends or family that could even come to you for an hour a day to leg you get out on your own? 
I'm certain you will get there but you need to find your way through this however you can. Certainly more time for you on your own has to be the starting point.
I think someone else suggested any other adopters from your prep days? We didn't get given contact details for our second course but if you have it could be an idea? 
I really hope your sw can help you.


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks again everyone. My parents have taken them out today and I feel so much better. 
We are going to sort out a nursery for next week and going forward with good length sessions so I get time to myself whilst I recover a bit. 
Feel more positive. Is going to cost a fortune but I don't care. Still on adoption leave so can pay and thinking I might go back to work in September too which feels so good. 

guess I might not feel so good after my parents leave but OMG I needed today. What a relief. 
Goes to show that funnelling is good for kids but not necessarily so good for main carers, certainly of siblings. Wish I'd done this sooner and it might not have gotten so bad. 

Yes have connected with other adoption support groups but find they don't meet often enough. Toddler groups are great but only have one per week as the other clashes with DD nursery. 
I'm going to ask HV about children's centre as looking on line ours doesn't seem to have much on especially that I can just drop into. 

I think nursery is the way for us xxxx

Thanks guys you have helped so much Im so grateful xxxxx


----------



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Sending love GoofyGirl xx


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Much love and strength to you goofy xxxxx


----------

