# Feeling Negative



## Penelope Positive (Sep 12, 2005)

Hope no-one minds me doing a bit of a me post and asking for some support, I didnt want to post this on our normal abroadies chat thread as I didnt want to bring anyone down with my blue mood but really felt like I needed to vent some feelings.

We are just gearing up for our 1st FET on May 10th (all being well). I have done my Prostap injection, taken my last pill and am just waiting for AF to turn up which should be Wednesday and then I start with my progynova etc.

Last time around I found the build up all very exciting and really 'enjoyed' check my diary every day to see what I should be taking, watching my diet and really taking care of myself.

Now, and I dont know if its because its a frozen cycle, I just feel so hopeless which is not like me at all.

We only have 3 frosties (all good grades however with little fragmentation) but I am worried that none will survive and we will have to go to the end of the waiting list again.  We are having assisted hatching as this apparantly helps with survival rates and pregnancy rates but I am feeling like, if we did everything right last time with a fresh cycle and it didnt work, whats the point of this?

I know its sometimes just down to luck and there are many success stories from FET but I just cant shake this mood.

DH seems less interested this time around although I am sure that is in my head, and even with the beautiful weather I just seem to be dragging a big dark cloud around with me.  Feel very close to tears a lot and really tired, think thats the constant thinking about things.

I have an accupuncture session booked for this Friday which I am hoping is going to help my equilibrium (sp?) and get me back on track. I am normally such a positive person but think I am just so aware of my age and our financial situation that I have become so desperate for this to work it is getting me down.

Have been reading the boards all day for ideas, suggestions, success stories and the like just to try and lift my spirits but am finding it really hard.

Hope you dont mind me having a bit of a brain dump, am hoping somehow it will help.

Pen


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

Pen

I was feeling just the same when I did my second DE cycle (fresh), but once I got out to South africa with all the sun and good food my mood perked up. I did acu over here and out in SA and was even so relaxed I fell asleep on the acu couch.

Things went well for us out there and my ticker tells the rest of the story

I hope you get your long awaited BFP.

Chris


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## Mary B (Apr 16, 2007)

Hi Pen, 

Although our situations are different - I feel the same way as you.
I am in process of 2nd IVF attempt, first IVF failed, 1 ectopic pregnancy - tube removed and then one spontaneous pregnancy (which docs had told me would never happen to me) but I miscarried. I am quite a strong person but since the miscarriage I can't seem to shake off negative feelings. 
I am also having acupuncture again, I had it all through my first attempt and I think it is why I managed to have a spontaneous pregnancy afterwards, so stick with it - I really believe it helps, it also helped me to stop smoking years ago. There is nothing wrong with being angry, upset, emotional we have to get things off our chests. 

I wish you every success and chin up - people keep telling me positive thinking will bring positive results - so I am trying that at the moment.


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## safarigirl (Feb 23, 2005)

Aaah pen, firstly heres a big hug, and you have every right to have a big old me post.

I think what you are feeling is absolutely understandable, it takes enormous courage and conviction to gear up for every cycle ... i think once you have had a bfn you also know that that is a possibility so the "innocence" of the first cycle is gone ...

You are also on drugs which alters your mood and can make you feel cranky, tearful etc ... so dont forget that.  i think your dh might just be protecting you and him.  Men sometimes react differently and maybe he too is just putting on a brave front thinking not to get to involved in it, and therefore to protect himself and you ....  I would bet you that he is feeling the same as you, perhaps just covering it up ... i know my dh used to "protect" me and would act more casual about things ... perhaps you could tell him that you are feeling anxious?  Dont read too much into it .... 

I know what you mean about your age (we are the same age), but with a donor you can take some time, and whats a year or too anyway once you are in your forties!!  Of course you feel desperate and are aware of the finances, who wouldnt be. We eat, breathe this treatment and it is difficult to try and balance evrything .... acupuncture will certainly help you, but dont be too hard on yourself, i dont know anyone who has gone into treatment, two week waits absolutely care free .... what you are feeling is absolutely normal, it is the want/need/desire of a child and the just not knowing the future ..

BUT NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF - YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE IT WILL WORK..... BOTH HEM AND AJ ARE TWO RECENT BFP'S from frosties ....  (I will let all the others post their success stories as well, there is a good record of pregancies from frosties on these boards)

So try and let some of these thoughts go, keep reminding yourself that THERE IS EVERY POSSIBILITY you will have success with your wonderful trio of frosties waiting for you  .... its also okay to feel down, just try and ride out those emotions ....

If you need someone to speak to, please IM me, so that i can be here for you ...  If you continue to feel down, please post so we can support you through this ... you are not alone ...

Big big hugs pen ......


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Penelope, Penelope, Penelope – sweetheart you are not alone in the way you are feeling and “me” posts are fine – we are all here to support each other.
I too found my first couple of cycles exciting and I felt so positive about it all. I then went through a period of relative indifference desperately hoping it would work but not always believing it could. Now I just find all the drugs, anxiety and longing a chore but I keep going because there is still hope of success and the eventual joy of having my baby in my arms will make all this current pain and disappointment completely worthwhile.
A BFN (and yours was fairly recent) knocks your confidence and faith in the whole thing. I don’t mean to upset anyone when I say hearing others success stories doesn’t always help when you are the one it hasn’t worked for!
I completely understand your anxiety about your frosties (I only have 2) but they wouldn’t have been frozen at all if they weren’t considered good quality and the clinic weren’t hopeful of them thawing successfully. Remember too you have 3 frosties but you only need one to bring you your baby.
Going back to the bottom of the waiting list is something I completely identify with – if the worst happens (I’m sure it won’t) get yourself back on that list immediately and look around at other options and other clinics. I can’t see any harm in being on more than one waiting list. I am still on a UK list even though I am having treatment in Spain.
You are doing something different this time with the assisted hatching which is good so this cycle is not a complete repeat of last time. As for it not having worked with fresh so frozen are a no hope – take a look at Radnorgirl’s story for evidence that this isjust not true. (Hope you don’t mind me mentioning you Radnorgirl!)
My dear mate AJ has also just had a BFP from frosties after her fresh cycle didn’t work. There seems little rhyme or reason about which embies are going to implant and which aren’t.
I too have the “black cloud” you describe and I am desperate for treatment to work at the moment I get through it by refusing to think too much about it not working but instead I focus on the good things in my life – lovely husband, nice home, good job etc all a bit clichéd I know but it does help. I am also fortunate enough to have been able to have a go at IVF – some people are not even able to do that.
Your accupunture sounds a great idea and a bit of TLC wouldn’t go amiss. Try not to think too far ahead, don’t write this cycle off yet and remember despite your “age and financial situation” you do have options even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Your positivity will return in it’s own good time – I promise that and all of us here will be thinking of you during your FET and sending all the positive vibes you want.
I probably haven’t helped much because like me you want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all ok – sadly I can’t but please PM me anytime you want.

Much love Crusoe
xxx


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## Newday (Apr 27, 2005)

Oh Penelope

you and me too. I am so negative about up coming treatment I have lost 1 stone but can't loose anymore. I get depressed and eat then get depressed. It seems to work for everyone else and not me.

We all get a negative thoughts but if we don't try we won't ever get pg. As Crusoe says try and concentrate on the good things

Take care

Dawn


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## ElleJay (Sep 4, 2005)

Hi Penelope - I can so identify with the black cloud that is hanging round you at the moment.  It was such a kick in the stomach to have your BFN in March, that you are unlikely to go at the next go with anything other than apprehension and nervousness. Multiply this with the hormones you are taking......

It can work, there are many success stories on here, and the next treatment might just be 'the one' for you - you have to hold on to this thought to get you through it all.  Think about it - if people didn't get pregnant using frosties, the clinics wouldn't bother doing the treatment.......

This whole process is horrible and not what any of us ever thought of when we all set out to have a baby - but we are all here to support any me/miserable posts that need to go on this board.

Big hug to you - 

Lesleyj

PS - Dawn - Hi to you too, and well done on losing a stone, I think that's a real achievement.


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## MrsBunny (Oct 2, 2006)

Hello Pen

I don't have any stories to share with you to try and give you encouragement, but I hope you don't mind me just sending you big hugs
 

Don't feel at all bad about asking for support, after all, that's what this site is all about.
I'm full of admiration for all those people like you who have had unsuccessful tx and then pick themselves up again to try again, with all the bad effects of the drugs to cope with as well.

So I hope you have taken some positives from the feedback that you've had. As Safarigirl says, I'm sure your DH feels the same as you, he's probably trying not to get his hopes up to much and therefore seems less interested this time. I think when you get over to Spain for your treatment and it's just the two of you things may be better.

Take care
Heather x


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## Penelope Positive (Sep 12, 2005)

Hi everyone,

You guys make me so happy to be part of FF. There is so much kindness and support here, I feel much better now knowing so many people relate to how I feel and that I am not alone.

Crusoe and SG, I responded to your lovely messages via PM but thank you again for your understanding and positive thoughts, I am sure these will help others as well as myself - Crusoe, will respond to you shortly on your second one as there are certainly some points I would like to ask your advice on.

Lesleyj thank you for your hug and support, Dawn wow a stone! that's an amazing achievement, keep up the good work and dont beat yourself up too much about the occasional slip, its entirely normal to turn to things for comfort when you are having a hard time and are feeling depressed. Mary B, Chris and Heather thank you also for your kind words and encouragement.

I feel much much better now having read all your posts, had a good cry, a long hot bath and a lovely walk through bluebell woods with my doggy where we saw a family of 4 wild deer! 

I truly appreciate you all sharing your thoughts and kindness with me and hope to get back to being Penny Positive shortly!

Love and hugs to you all and if ever I can return the support and help share your thoughts please do let me know.

Pen xx


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Penny P,

Hi there hun. Just wanted to say I'm really pleased you've found things to do to help yourself feel better and that I meant to reply yesterday with a big hug for you and things got in the way . Anyway, here's a huge hug  from me and I just wanted you to know that I know exactly where you are coming from, as do all of the ladies on here as we've all been there, and still are some of us. Here's hoping the wind will change soon.  

We're all here whenever you feel like a moan.
Love
Giggly
xx


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## radnorgirl (Oct 18, 2005)

Hi Pen

You know I could have almost have written that post before I went for the last round of treatment. I was totally convinced that it would not work and spent all of my time focusing on my next plan of action which was to go to Reprofit in the Czech Republic. I had four frosties to start with - the first 2 survived the thaw with our first round of FET so I was totally convinced that the second two would not survive but they did. To be honest at the time I felt that it was all completely pointless and a waste of time and that I was simply going through the motions to close that particular chapter of my ivf story.

Oh and last time the down regging drugs affected me really badly to the extent that I had to be signed of work sick. I would just burst into tears for no reason and the cry uncontrollably for hours - I think I was focusing on my expectation of it being another BFN and it all just felt like it was too much.

Pen if you need to cry have a good cry and hopefully you will feel better afterwards.

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world

lots of love
Helen
xxx


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## bluebell (Dec 9, 2004)

Pen, I can see you already have a big blanket of Abroadie hugs and support around you, but I just wanted to send you all my love too.  
I think one of the most important things is not to beat yourself up for feeling low.  I think if you do this you will feel even more low.  If you forgive yourself for that black cloud, then I think that is a really good start towards it fading away and the sun peeking through again.  Feeling positive is great, but as soon as we try to force ourselves to feel positive at all costs, and feel that we have failed if we don't, then it isn't the right way.  
Just be kind to yourself, and let yourself have these feelings.  As everyone else has said, it is natural to feel sceptical after one BFN, and it is a kind of self-protection to consider what it will be like to have another BFN.  It isn't that long ago that you had your BFN.  You are still grieving for that loss. Be kind and gentle to your self.  You deserve it.
The hormones will be messing with your feelings too, and amplifying everything you feel.  
As for the blokes in this game, I think virtually every one of us in Abroadies at some point has felt that disconnection with their man at the hardest times of tx.  So many men deal with it in a different way ... a more detached, practical way.  It is in their make up to be like this anyway, but tx emphasises the usual male / female differences even more because the men are able to detach themselves as they are not having to take the drugs, and be vigilant of their bodies, so they are able to escape from the process more.  It doesn't mean they love us less.  if it is any help, i have always thuoght this about my DH (and everyone here will vouch for that !!!), but afterwards, after the tx storm dies down, I am always just a little grateful that he stayed 'sane' and stable during my torment.  However, despite this, you mustn't feel guilty about expressing your feelings to him.  

So, lovely Penny, please don't feel guilty for what you feel.  The sun will come out bright and warm for you again, I know, and we will all be here for you with our shades, cocktails and bikinis (well maybe not be in a bikini !), to share it with you.  

Hope that we can be with you all the way with your FET, and please don't ever feel you can't post a good old moan.  That's what we are here for.  We've all done it too !

Big, big hugs to you,
Night night,
Bluebell xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS Dawn, to lose a stone is a miracle.  I have been trying to dothat for about 10 years !!


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