# Adoption has been stopped - advice needed (please!!)



## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Just as I feared, something has stopped our progress   and this time it might just be too much for us to find a way round.

First of all it was my medical condition which we dealt with, then it was issues with the dogs which we dealt with, then we didn't have enough referees as one pulled out so we arranged to fly in another from switzerland, so we can fulfill the criteria. 

So far, we have got the go-ahead from the manager who seemed to want to know about people who know us with children, but as soon as our SW got involved, she seemed more keen on people who have had direct contact with us as a couple in the last five years.  

DH talked to her this morning (I was to upset  ) and we are meeting again in a weeks time, but I don't think we can create five years history in one week  

Has anyone come across this? We have lived here for five years so can we use neighbours? Any suggestions welcome because I'm getting desparate.

We have even considered moving back to the city where all our family is, just to ensure we have a support network in place and get back in touch with some of the friends we haven't seen since we got married, though that may impact on finances and job. Can we ask for a delay in the process?

If worse comes to worse, is there any other options? Can we still apply to another agency? Oh, I'm so confused


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Flickj I don't have experience as at the beginning of the process myself but wanted to send you  s. As you may recall from your diary I am  in awe of your commitment. My only teeny piece of advice of is do nothing now but maybe let your SW know you are willing to take steps such as move if she supported them, such is your commitment to the process. 
good luck
gettina x


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks Gettina, all "hugs" gratefully received, 

You're right - we need to take a step back to think, we have invested a lot into this process already and we are not giving up without a fight


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi there 
I am sorry you've had all these hurdles. 
As regards having neighbours as referees (have I understood that correctly?) I think that is great. They will also make up part of your support network. What about work colleagues? Or do you go to any clubs etc where you are sufficiently friendly with someone who could act as referee? The SW has to demonstrate to Panel that in the first months of placement with a child (which is the most stressful and emotional time ever) you have people you can call on to help / chat to / support you. I found those first seven or so months abosolutely lonely and hard. Friends that you have known years can 'disappear' because of unwillingness to understand your very specific adoption-related 'issues' but then, quite unexpected people can be a wonderful support. Your SW also has to demonstrate that you as a couple are robust enough to not crack underthe pressure.
If you have local, close at hand support - I think she would think that is a fab resource.
We are currently going for child no.2 and let me tell you, the issue of referees doesn't get any easier!!!
Take care and stay strong! JB


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Hi JB, 

Just to say really a big hug from me too!   I know how hard it is to keep, time after time, coming up against brick walls, but I think you have a great attitude and will get there in the end! Maybe it is a good time, as mentioned by Gettina, to just calmly reflect on everything & meet with SW, then a fab idea will probably just spring out of nowhere! If it helps at all, we looked at three LA before we settled on our VA- it was nerve-racking telling them we'd been turned down by them all (too soon after IVF and living in the wrong area! Grr!) but they were fine and we're now approved. You'll get there. As my friend said to me, you can't not get there. x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Don't give up!!!  If your SW's Manager has a different view point, or left you with a different opinion on this, I would speak to your SW and ask her to speak with the Manager so they can both be reading from the same sheet.  Ideally you need to have people who have known you for 5 years and also have seen you with children so a mix as this isn't just about how you are with children, its about you, your DH and your relationship.  Neighbours, work collegues are fine though obviously they would need to know you quite well.  Is there anyone you talk to regularly on the phone but maybe only see a few times a year?  They can still be a ref for you.  

As another poster has said, your support network changes after a child is placed and often those you think will be there for you aren't.  I notice you have just done your prep course - are you staying in touch with anyone from there?  

I wouldn't take the drastic action of moving, changing jobs etc at the moment, there must be other agencies who are available to you (within a 50 mile radius) if you get no joy with this one.  As with everything, you find every agency differs and unfortunately so do SWs even within the same agency.

It must feel as though you are constantly being tested but you have overcome some big hurdles to get this far and you will get past this.

Stay strong.

OT x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Firstly I wouldn't advise moving, they like you to be settled and 5 years in your current area is good. I'm sure there is a way round this. I've also lived in my current area for 5 years and have no family close. I have made some friends but not any that I felt I knew well enough to ask for a reference. for some of the questions someone has to know you quite well. I think you neeed to talk it through with your sw, if the manager was happy with references from people from further back then that should be good enough.


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Last night, DH and I were at our wits end trying to think of people or scenarios to help, and even on the edge of thinking of "childless" life again    but then I said "Don't worry, the girls on the forum will give us some good ideas" and you lot haven't let me down  

I feel a lot more positive, and am not giving up, thanks girls


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Flick, I want to send you massive hugs! The hurdles keep coming and you keep on jumping. Dont give up. Why dont you also contact your local childrens centre to see what type of support networks they have in place. While this doesnt solve the referee issue it may do you good to know and be able to share with your SW what things may be available to you and your family in the future x x x x x


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

I'm sorry this has happened. TBH I don't quite understand what the issue is with your SW. Is it with your referees or your support network. Also if the senior SW doesn't have a problem then don't they overrule?
xxx


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## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

Don't forget to put FF down as part of your support structure. I did and my SW liked the fact that there was support available on line. Sometimes the best people who can help you are those you could walk past in the street not knowing them in real life! 

Kestra x


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Someday - it is an issue that our SW raised, that we do not have anyone among our references who has had face-to-face contact (regularly) with us during the last five years.

As a result of this, she thinks our support network will not be very strong. We are taking on board everything that is being said, and DH and I are in the process of breaking down the strict criteria to see if we can find people who fit some of what is asked.

We thought as you do, that the manager has the final word but they seem to be moving the goalposts


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

We had some similar issues with our potential refs not fitting into a box,  after many sleepless nights we contacted our SW and offered her some options,  a ref who had known us for 14 years but lived 300+ miles away and wasn't part of our support network, a ref who had known us just 2 years but we saw regularly and was available to support and could give evidence of our experience with children hers and our own BS, additional refs from family members who knew us very well.  

We gave her the details and situations relating to 6 people and said we were happy for her to speak to any or all of them.  She eventually spoke to 4 people and gathered the info she needed to confirm our stability, child care experience, support etc.

I would advise a very honest conversation with SW,  you have clearly demonstrated your commitment to adoption.  I think i'd ask what it is that needs further evidence for so you can choose the most appropriate ref.  S/he may just need to follow up more refs to cover all aspects.

Sorry you are going through all of this.   and   that this is just another hurdle you will fly through to get to your family.

Jules.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Oh bless you Flick  

I find it very annoying and strange that the manager is happy with your refs but your SW is not. 
Your manager will have the final say.
I used FF as a support and explained the support you lovely ladies have given me in the panel when asked, which went down very well. One ref was someone I only known 18 months but we had IVF in common and that was how we became friends, she knew nothing about my relationship with dh but she was fine to use. Also i became quite close to a lady I met at the prep course and also used her as support.I am racking my brains to offer you something positive but I am just rambeling.
But do use your neighbours, do you go to church? Is there someone in work? You can use your parents even if they don't live nearby or sister as you can use one or two family members for refs we had three in ours, my mum, dh auntie and my sister-in-law.
I really hope you can find a way through this, I hope you have a better view as what is happening next week when you see your SW next week.
As others have said, you can go to another agency within a 50 mile radius.

Good luck
Skyblu.xxx


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

The Agency have decided to stop our application for the moment - basically, we could not provide details of any people other than family members who have had direct contact with us in the last five years. 

They are keeping us "on file", so if we decide to re-apply they have our details. In the next five years we need to build up frienships (for references) and make sure our support network is OK. SW did mention that that was even more important as I am disabled. 

We need to seriously think about where we want to go from here as age is not on our side, and I feel I will be drawing my pension before this happens  

I have done enough crying over lost children and now I am just angry   and still detmined (even if it gets me nowhere  )


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

I'm so so sorry they have stopped it.xxx


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Thankyou Someday and good luck


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Oh Flick I am so sorry. If I was you, and you do sound like me(not giving up) go to your local VA or another LA in the 50 mile radius.
VA's do tend to have older children on their books and from what I have gathered from your story you are happy with an older child.
Don't give up hun, be honest with anyone else you are going to try so you don't have to jump through any hoops before they shut you down. Have been on a home study course yet? If you have then I would be asking why they let you go so far before letting you down so badly.
Good luck.
Skyblu.xxx


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Flick,

So sorry,  I can imagine how upset and angry you must feel.  We were deferred at our first panel and I really wobbled and wanted to give up.  Thankfully we kept fighting and were approved by the same panel 2 months later.  

I really hope you find a way through,  we found a VA who accepted our strengths when some of the LA's dismissed us for minor reasons.  We were actually told by one LA that they could place the type of child we are looking for anytime, why would they invest time and effort approving us  .  The rules are so different depending on who you speak to.

Big   and please feel free to PM me if you want more details of the hoops we have jumped through.

Jules


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that, but so in awe of your amazing determination- how lucky will some child be someday to have *you* be on their side and fight their corner for them! I would totally go with a VA- we have (I can PM you their details if you're SW region!) and I feel blessed- they're right there for any silly question I have, we've been shown 14 sets of siblings since we were approved (6 weeks ago) and All of them pre-school (but that's what we were after) and 3 of them were babies- one actually unborn at the time although I'm sure they have older too if that's what you're after. They are totally on OUR side & have been great. Good luck


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm flabbergasted Flickj! I have no doubt the others' advice to contact other agencies is the way to go over waiting and waiting for your la to feel happy. Good luck in finding social workers who want to work with you as opposed to finding reasons not to: I'm sure they will be out there. X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm really angry for you, Flick, and would seriously consider a conversation with a local VA.  ((((((((hugs))))))))


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Hi Girls, thanks for all your good wishes - taken the weekend to think things over and try to calm down a bit ( I am still angry, but can see the other side of the argument a bit clearer) At the very least, it has made us realise how s**t our lives are and that we have to re-evaluate things if we are going to do this  

Before this all started, we were planning to move to a better area within the city with better schools etc. and also somewhere we feel more comfortable and can make friends. Already DH has had to tell his boss and he immediately said "Put us down on your list to meet up regularly with the kids" His brother is going through the adoption process, and they have also suffered a m/c before the had their children, so they know just how we feel.

We can continue to gather the info they want as regards stability, direct contact with people, interaction with friends etc.

DH still wants to stick with our VA, but I think I would like to get a few other opinions. If we do show that we are addressing this area, maybe we can get the five years they are asking for reduced a little.

I just keep thinking about all those thousands of children in care, and it makes me so mad.  

SW has told us they will pick holes in our PAR at panel if we don't solve this, so that's what we will do     

I have really had such wonderful support here and lots of things to think about. I can't accept there isn't a way to solve this problem. It may take a while and we have a lot of work to do, but we'll find a way


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Flick, I feel so frustrated for you but also in awe of your determination, at the very least that should impress your VA. 

Do what ever is right for you and DH to get the life you want and reach your dreams of a family.

Just want to wish you all the luck in the world, you both deserve it. Hopefully if you make the changes you've already identified and discussed then 2013 may be a more positive year for you both     

Best wishes
Can't wait


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Flick I am so sad to read this, and am very sorry that you appear to have been given mixed messages. It is simply not fair on you and hubby to have shon a light and then taken it away. But like the girls say, your determination will pull you through and prove how committed you are. Because of this strength of character I have no doubt you will be a mummy, and I am hoping with every inch of me its one day soon. Big hugs x x x x x


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## sevsxp (Oct 1, 2012)

"flickj"... never give up....

My wife and I were turned down after a prep group, as they didnt think we were a couple, although we had been together since we were 14, and were now 40 !! but they decided after 4 days they knew us better. Told us to go away and have couple counseling and try again in a years time.They also decided we had a small support group, although we explained we thought alot of support networks are based around, pre-natal,post-natal,playground situations which we hadnt been through then yes we were lacking, but they werent interested in what we were saying..... 

I am so glad we didnt listen to them or give up, we approached another LA and once explained the situation to them, they re-assesed us and couldnt see what the issues were, and took us on.

Last year we adopted our son, and now his younger brother is about to move in , in November.

So be strong, this is what you want, so dont let a SW take it away from you......


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

*high five* sevsxp!  Great job.  Congratulations on your success.


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