# Anyone else losing all hope?



## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

I don't know how much longer I can keep going for on the ttc #2 trail.  

We're currently at the mercy of the NHS and although my GP has referred us back to CARU, I still don't know if we're going to get on the waiting list for an appointment or not. We're getting married in 2 weeks and all our cash is tied up in the wedding so can't even pay for a private consultation.  Feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

I know theres something wrong with me.  I have backaches and twinges all the time which could signal that my endometriosis/cysts are back.  I don't even know whether I am ovulating or not.  Plus I have recurrent yeast infections and soreness/dryness "down there" and I'm googling myself into agony at all the different things it could be.  My GP is just useless and says "wait to see the fertility clinic".

We can't afford ART this time round anyway so its just diagnostic tests we're waiting for and any treatment we might be entitled to such as surgery or Clomid etc.

I'm just so stressed out and upset.  

On top of that several of the mums at the playgroup where I take my little boy are pregnant again - some of them have children younger than my DS, and I've had to stop answering the phone to my mum as all she wants to talk about is the fact that my cousin's wife (whose son is just a couple of months older than mine) had just had a baby girl.  I can't listen to it anymore, so I just let the phone ring and don't answer - she knows I'm depressed about ttc and I'm really hoping she'll get the message and stop talking about it.

I can't even look forward to the wedding.  I just can't be bothered about it anymore.

I know I'm getting really depressed but life seems totally bleak with nothing to look forward to.  I'm supposed to be doing a teacher training course in September and I just can't be bothered anymore.

I hate my useless body and I really hate myself right now as well.  I have no hope and I honestly don't think I'm any use to my son either. 

Has anyone else ever felt so completely depressed and without hope whilst ttc?  Do you think I should just accept it and move on before I make myself really ill?


----------



## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi there, i sometimes feel like the desire to be pregnant again makes my heart ache literally and i want to just scream and cry and spend the day in bed, cos i feel so sad ....
i have had the best year of my life by far since i had LO and i love her so much and i enjoy being a mum so much and i feel i have so much to give that it eats me up inside that i am not pg and probably wont ever be, and the other mums i know seem to take it all so much for granted that they will have their no 2s when they can be bothered, and it breaks my heart.

But because I have my littleun I dont cry or scream or let myself get depressed because i dont want it to affect her, i think as long as I keep her entertained and well loved thats all that matters to her, it seems to go so quickly and i dont want to look back and wish i hadnt been so miserable, when she makes me so happy !

its so hard isnt it ? one of the mums i am closest to in our postnatal group thinks she might be pg and says shes isnt assed either way - not fair is it ? 

Please dont think you arent any use to your son, he will think you are the bees knees, I am sorry you feel so bad about it, I know how crap it feels and I fear getting low about it, so I am really fighting that at the mo 
Love janine xxxx


----------



## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Hi *Ladymoonlight*

Firstly you definitley need some   .

I could have written part of your post myself. I get so down about TTC and like you hate my bodyfor not doing what seems to come so naturally to others. It's so hard when other's a re having 2nd/3rd babies. One of my post natal mums announced her 2nd a few months back and her daughter is 2 months younger than mine. I felt so low.

But please please do not think that you not any use to your son. As Janine says he thinks you are the best thing ever!!! You are a wonderful mummy. 

It sounds like you have an awful lot going on at the moment. Getting married, teacher training and TTC. That's a lot to be dealing with so try not to be too hard on yourself.  Do you have anyone you can talk to? Feel free to PM me, I do know how you feel and will always listen. 

*Janine* I think you hit the nail on the head there, we all love being mummies but it hits ghard that we may never do it again. 

Karin

xxx


----------

