# Advice please, URGENT!!



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

I don't even think I should be posting a question like this because it's sooooo awkward, but basically I need to know what to do about another prospective adopter's indescretion.

Basically this person has told a colleague that a child matched to them has the same surname as this colleague. And to cut a long story short, this colleague now knows that this person is matched to adopt one of their relatives. Do you all understand what I mean?

I am stunned and disgusted, and the colleague is angry and upset. I feel I need to report this indiscretion to SS but I don't want this person to find out that the colleague has told me...  

I have never told a soul what my daughters birth surnames are, and never would. But especially if I knew one could be related to someone I knew   
As far as I know, this is a MASSIVE NO-NO amongst us adopters, it's the main rule of confidentiality and discretion.

What does everyone think I should do


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

let me get this straight in my head......

you know both the prospective adopter and the colleague?

and the adopter told the colleague the name of the child they are adopting? 

the colleague then told you...........

if i have this straight then OMG   SS must be informed - this is a major confidentiality leak 

its tricky for you being that person to report it though - could you perhaps talk to your own SW and take advice - or they can inform SS of the situation..........i think it will never be found out that it was you as SS should keep your confidence 

       

ritz


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Ever

Will pm you about this

xxx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

PM'd  

Sending hugs


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks ladies.
I have reported it to SS, and feel awful but know that the link can't go ahead now. SS said it must be addressed regarding the confidentiality and importance of not sharing information.

Should I tell the colleague (who is birth family) that I have reported the adopter??
I'm worried that she'll be angry that I've taken that information and "grassed" the adopter up, and when this falls through he may well know that she set the ball rolling by telling me.

Would you want to know??


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## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hi everhopeful,

I'm very new to this, but it occurs to me that the same surname doesn't necessarily mean the colleague is related to the child, unless it's very unusual which makes it more likely.  Sorry you've probably considered this already and I realise that's not necessarily the point, because of course the breach of confidentiality is the main issue. 

Not sure how that affects whether you tell him you've pursued it or not, but he may be worried unnecessarily (which isn't your fault obviously).

What an unsual and awkward situation for you. You've done the right thing.

Clare xx


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## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Sorry I've just read your initial message again and see that the colleague does know for sure.  In which case personally I'd keep it to yourself because otherwise you could get far too involved in what is already very awkward, but that's just my insinct.

Loads of luck, sorry this has happened to you,

Clare xx


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Hi Ever,
Yes it is the right thing to do to report it, what on earth was this person thinking of!!!!  At least it is at the matching stage and not further on and by reporting it SS will speak to the adopters so that they know it is inappropriate for both their and the childs protection.
I personally wouldn't tell the colleague, there's nothing to be gained from it and it increases your involement in the situation.
Cath


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Ever - You have done the right thing, please try not worry youself to much over it.  You were put in a very difficult position and i for one would have also struggled as to know what to do But you have done the right thing!.
Love
Andrea
x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

I feel terrible   

I know I did the right thing in reporting what I'd been told, but on the advice of my SW I've just spoken to the colleague and told her what I've done. To say she's not happy would be a major understatement. She back-peddled a little bit, and said she didn't want the adopter to know that she's passed the info on - I don't blame her really, but I wish she'd never told me, because I was put in such an awful position, that I feel I had no choice.

SW says she'll withdraw the child from their options, but the adopter will have to be addressed regarding the confidentiality aspect, and without mentioning that conversation will be very hard.  

If the adopter had seen me and told me directly, I wouldn't have a problem. But it's the person inbetween that I feel terrible for. 

Next time anything like this happens, I'll just keep my big fat nose right out of it


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

oh hunny  

don't blame yourself  

this is one persons fault only - the adopter   who should have known better   

you'll find that people always backpedal hun - it seems to be human nature so don't let that worry you too much   she was obviously upset enough at the time though to talk to you about it........

it is now the SW responsibility to say what she needs to about confidentiality - your name need not be mentioned, the SW can just say it has come to her attention anonymously (its possible she's told other people the childs name too) 

sending you hugs   please don't blame yourself - you were put in a situation you should never have had to deal with  

Ritz


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I agree with Ritzi, the only person to blame is the adopter.

I am so sorry you got put through this Ever.  

Cindy


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi Ever, you did what you had to do.    Your colleague shouldn't have mentioned anything to you if they wanted you to do nothing.  Adoption confidentiality can be a minefield.  I had to tell my dh to stop telling people the town where ds2 comes from and be more vague. He thought it was ok to mention it, as it is not the town we live in or work in. I have had lots of people ask me specifically about ds2's birth family and do I know where he comes from.  It is none of their business so I just ignore them and say I'm not prepared to say but it is hard.  There is a lot of ignorance about what to say and what not to say.


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

I have to say i am not normally a "closed" person however when it comes to my 2 i am! people know where my babies come from for a few reasons however thats it! people have asked info like age of BM, if they have the same dad (i am soooooooooo tempted to turn round and say "so do your kids have the same dad?" and then say "see not nice being questioned" - DH said "yes they have the same dad- ME!!!!" ect and think its quiet ok to ask!

I have made it very plain to people that why should they know info about MY babies when even my babies dont know it yet!!!!

the only new people we have met with having the children that know they are adopted is HV, GP and DD pre-school nursery (have to show birth cert) however pre-school nursery have been fab and her peg at school has her "new" name on (we have amended the spelling of her name slightly however name/sound is the same)

Ever- you did the right thing- has anything more come back about this?

xxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

I know that SS have spoken to the prospective adopters about this issue, but colleague hasn't been in touch at all, which tells me that everything is not fine  

I'm seeing my sw tomorrow, but I'm not going to mention this issue, unless they bring it up. Don't want my sw to feel awkward about not being able to talk about it. Really would like to know what's happened about what's been said between all the parties involved, so I know the full picture.

Haven't been able to share my joy of our imminent court hearing with anyone at my work, for fear of them thinking I'm gloating. I can hear them saying things like "Yeah, it's fine for her, she's got her children, but is happy to spoil others' chances"  
To be honest, I have a feeling that I've probably been bad-mouthed around my workplace, and although the exact details of the incident won't have been repeated, they will have been told that I've majorly upset them by breaking the trust. I don't have to go into work at all again, but I#d like to keep in contact, but feel as though until I know what's been said, and who knows what, then I'm best keeping away.


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