# Why the shame?



## tealight (Feb 20, 2015)

Like many others, we have kept all our treatment a secret from pretty much everyone and whenever anyone asks me 'do you have children' I never really know how to answer the question and recently when considering fostering/adoption wanted to know how confidential it would all be. I always thought this was because I wanted to keep things private, didn't want to tempt fate or have everyone knowing my business but recently I have come to wondering whether it is actually shame that I'm feeling? 

Is this what is behind so many of us keeping everything such a secret? That somehow despite having tried absolutely everything and it all being completely out of our control, we feel ashamed? Anyway, am trying to make sense of this one, I understand the feelings of heartbreak, sadness, loss, grief and isolation but why the feelings of shame?

Any thoughts or is this just me?


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi tealight

For me it has nothing to do with shame. I don't think infertility is a shame at all

It's for three reasons:
1) I don't trust people. I know that the minute i say something personal it will become a topic of gossip. Personally when someone trusts me worh their personal issues i take the secret to my grave. ALL the female friends I have have spilled the beans to me about their other friends personal issues. Thus, i only discuss with my husband and our families. 
2) People are ignorant and in order to help they say loads of b/s and I really can't stand that:"why don't you adopt?", "have tou done x exams?". Honestly I don't need that. I am super well informed to make my own decisions.
3) jealousy, evil eye, jinx. Yes I know sounds weird but in my culture it exists. Also in my circle of friends almost everyone has fertility problems. Odd coincidence but it's true.


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I made a conscious decision to be open about my treatment from the beginning. This was partly to try and reduce the stigma against it , especially when using donor eggs. However , as I am older now and already have children I am being more circumspect in who I tell. After I had my twins there was much less support for me having more, and now I have 3 everyone feels I should leave it as is.  However, it isn't anyone business. 

I do find sometimes I feel like I have to be an extra amazing mum to make up for needing the help I did. And sometimes, on dark days, I wonder if I am a good mum at all. 



Good luck for the future. X X


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Definitely echo the feelings above. We are highly educated on treatment, etc. but others are not, and their gossip and judgement is not under our control. What we can control is who we tell, but even then we aren’t always in control of our children’s truths anymore. I feel ultimately some info belongs to our children, and not to preface their life. 

At the same time I highly respect those who are open and further others education, for sure!

For me, I decided it wasn’t right as my MIL could not keep her mouth shut, and some of her friends (and older family members) actually started calling my son “the IVF baby” and making inappropriate conclusions about him and his life. Some are also religious and I never knew how they actually feel about my son, which isn’t deserved.

I think we all should be proud of our bravery, what we endure and have endured. It is totally amazing.  This journey ain’t for the weak that’s for sure!!


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

PS. Mierran you are an amazing mother! Needing help just shows the lengths you went to, to become a mother, which is beyond inspiring and brave.


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## hkd (Feb 20, 2018)

Hello tealight, 

When I confirmed my BFN, the feelings of anger and shame were much stronger than devastation. Only a few people know I do treatment but with little detail. I'm not open about this because it's my private business but I also somehow do feel ashamed of myself not being able to even have implantation. I haven't told my family BFN yet because part of me feels this. 

So you are not alone to feel like that. xxx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

I wish I could give you all a hug.

For me it's more around feeling of grief that me and my hubby wil not have our own offspring. We would make great parents and a child would be so lucky to grow up in such a beautiful home.

Life is unfair though. 

Oh, if I had only one child. I see women in this forum having succeeded in the past and trying for a sibling and compaining they can't succedd. And I am like "you are so lucky". I have 0. 

Anyway. I have to count my blessings in life which are a lot I mist say.


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## tealight (Feb 20, 2015)

Thank you Hkd, Mierrran, EFi and Hopeful for your thoughts and musings .... it's just so helpful to mull things over. 

I completely agree  with Efi all that dealing with some people's ignorance and complete incapacity to cope with what you are going through is a tough one. (Didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to upset you - is a personal favourite - errr. I am already upset and it would be nice if you just asked if I wanted to talk about it rather than ignore me for 6 months!  ) But Hopeful Katye -  IVF baby?!?! - honestly. That takes the biscuit.  

So all the more admiring of people like you Mierran of tackling that head on. But I wonder if it is easier when you have your children so who cares the journey to get there (and am sure you are a fab mum) because then at least it feels like the crazy journey was all worth while. 

But for those of us who experienced BFN after BFN with nothing to show for it. I have come to wonder if it is more than just me wanting to remain private and unpick my feelings a bit more.  Just to be clear I definitely don't think that infertility/treatments should be shaming, it absolutely should not be. Especially given, as Hopeful Katye says, what we have to go through. However, the feelings of shame as opposed to the understandable feelings of sadness and grief have caught me by surprise so trying to unpick this one. 

Is it that I feel foolish to have spent so much money, emotional, physical energy on injections, operations, treatment with absolutely nothing to show for it. Then to do this again. and again. and again. and again? 

Is it the feeling that I have failed at something I've tried so hard to achieve, where others have managed it so easily. 

Or is it that that if you contemplate walking away and accepting your fate that you feel 'weak' (Hopeful's reference) when everyone here is full of battle, fight, war analogies and you feel ashamed to walk away empty handed rather than keep on trying?

Who knows...

xxx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Tealight

Very valid questions.

Lately Inam wondering whether it is more around achieving a goal rather than actually having a child. The need to succeed, especially when one has spent so much money. It also feels like a "thing to do" in life.

When I ask people why they want children most of the times they don't know what to answer. You will find that the majority does it becuse society dictates or it's the mext thing to do. But they don't know why

Coincidentally many couples in my cirle of friends have problems to conceive. Two of them who succeeded, and despite taking them a long time and having difficulties, they instantly regretted it. One says tjatbitntook her long to love her son and ws crying for months the other one still says she doesn't feel close to the child and doesn't want her...it's too much work and had imagined this differently. So do we have children because society dictates us? Do we keep doing IVFs just because we have to achieve this goal ? Who knows?


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## tealight (Feb 20, 2015)

Note to self - never start or write a post when you are in full AF mode!!! Clearly the advice to sit those days out is a good one. Feel more my usual self and just hope whatever our next choices are that can find some peace. 

Am lucky enough to have a great hubby, job, home and life and won't be the first or last person who has to deal with the unfairness of life, so just have to keep some perspective. 

Unlike you Efi, I know no-one in real life who has struggled with this and all are delighted with their families.. I was lucky to come from a great one myself and feel I have lots of love to give but just tired of the treatment/infertility merry go round. And guess this was about musing when it makes sense to get off it for our own wellbeing and find ways to accept our reality or bite the bullet and keep going.

Anyway wherever all you ladies are on this sometimes incredibly lonely journey,, I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck. Xxxxx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

I agree with you. I am on this mode as well. Wondering whether it would be better to stop and just let nature take it's course. If it ever happens it would a be a beautiful surprise.

I don't know how it is possible that all of my close friends have infertility problems. How odd. 

Anyway. Like you lots of love to give and would be great to welcome a little one into pur home.

But hey ho, let's see where this journey takes us


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## Clarabelle71 (Jan 14, 2016)

Also while not shamed, not sure of people's reactions. I have told those around me about ivf but far fewer about using DE. Only mother and sister's know, however i regret now telling them for fear they tell more people. One sister though been through ivf and adoption herself can say too much when drinking alot. Iam not ashamed of using DE either but do not trust people's judgement. To me this baby is 100 % mine and people who know nothing about using DE won't understand, and certainly would not have read up on epignetics. I love this little baby iam pregnant with and don't feel i would ever regret it. Of course having a baby 10 yrs ago naturally would have been easier but its a dream ive always had. X


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Clarabelle
Such beautiful words. This bby is so lucky to have you as his/her mom. Honestly nothing else matters. All the best


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## Clarabelle71 (Jan 14, 2016)

Thanks so much Efi , i hope your dream comes true. Good luck. X


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

It's been really interesting reading all your thoughts on this.  I'm very open about our situation as I feel like I want people to realise it's not easy for everyone.  However I do have feelings of inadequacy and always feel like I'm not as good as everyone else around me who has children.  In my head I always think they must think I'm infertile because I'm fat and old (even though we had a male factor diagnosis!).  

One reason I sometimes think twice about revealing our struggles is for fear of the flippant, insensitive comments such as if we have thought about adoption, about how it might still happen as sometimes people have ivf and then get pregnant naturally (not with azoospermia they don't!) or just whether we will try again after a negative cycle (as if it's that easy given what it takes out of you physically, financially and emotionally).


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Magicpillow

You are so right. You can hear all kind of flippant comments that's why i prefer to keep it to myself.

For me it's more disappointment rather than inadequacy. It's hurting so much.


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