# Parenting the Adopted Child - Attachment Issues



## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Has anyone else done this?

I was merrily reading away last night with my cup of hot chocolate in one hand and Parenting the Adopted Child in the other and started reading the section about placement of a LO in my LO's age range (15 - 22 months) where they basically say that this is the least ideal time (well, they say the worst) to place a child for fostering or adoption because the parental figure is the centre of their world and they're entering the 'terrible twos'.  

I won't scare you with the details, but basically, it had me wide-eyed with worry until about 3am this morning (I stopped reading posts on Adoption UK for this reason - and for the fact that they have the least user-friendly forum I've ever experienced!)  

My SWs and LO's SWs have been saying that because she has such a good attachment to FC's that she will easily attach to me.  What this book says is completely the opposite.  

For those of you who have adopted children in this age range - what has been your experience with attachment please?

SummerTilly xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Sorry ST but I found the book accurate in my situation. The short story bl**dy hard work to keep nurturing and build the attachment with a lot of anger and violence directed at me. After 4-6 months the progress was there (we always had a bond) but after 9 months its fab and the attachment is getting stronger all the time.

I also had a LO who had strong bond/attachment to FC. The grief was immense and I had done every thing to help settle re clothes, sheets, cot in same position, stayed with LO to sleep and FC had done lots of prep and was very trusting/welcoming so he could transfer that trust.

Be prepared for the worst like we were and it will probably be much better.

Sorry if this sounds bleak but from your posts I think you like to plan/know as much as you can.

Oh and I never wanted to give up on LO he was my son from before we met him but it wasn't all roses around the food when he came home. 

Ps I had SWs and HVs etc say it looks like he's always been with you which whilst sweet he was terrified so was clinging onto me as he started to trust. I've always kept LO close and thankfully he's wanted to stay too. But I say it's been waaaay more intensive and terrifying than I thought before I met LO.

And another positive is the folks on these who have walked the path and give fantastic advice that works so you are never really alone ;-)
X


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

DD came at 19 months and adapted and attached like a dream. i think intros are key to getting off on the right foot. have you got 'a childs journey through placement'..it has  an excellent small section on intros for a pre-verbal child. if you havent got it i can copy the section for you..pm if you'd like it
kj x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Lo came at 22 months very attached to fc having been there since 2 months. He bonded very quickly. The first week was tough with him wanting to go back but at the same time he was very affectionate seeking comfort from us. The bond has continued to grow and at 9 months things are great.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

A child having a secure attachment to a f/c is definitely a good thing, although SWs aren't qualified to make judgements on a child's attachment pattern, certainly not based on the very limited time they will have spent with the child, they just seem to say that about kids in this age group, regardless. If a child has a secure attachment to their carer, it basically means they've learned how to form a healthy attachment, so they _should_ be able to do it again. How long it takes and how hard it is can vary widely as different children will process the loss of their f/c in different ways.


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thanks everyone!  Keemjay I've pm'd you for that article please.  I'm a sponge for information - trying to get it all in now before LO arrives and I'll be in reality rather than theory mode.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

My DD came home at 14 months and I was expecting a bad time.  She had a good attachment to FC but this was transferred to me without any major problems.  We had no issues at all and she has a very strong attachment to me (she has been home 2 years now).

My DS was placed at 27 months and had a poor attachment to his FC.  He settled easily and the attachment grew but at 7 he has attachment issues due to his early trauma.  

There was a write up in Adoption UKs mag about research that children placed after the age of 2 have more attachment issues than those placed before that age.  However, I think there are many issues to consider, not just age, when looking at how a child will settle and attach.  Things can be really tough in the first few months of placement.  

A Child's Journey through Placement is a fab book to have on your shelf to dip in and out of.

OT x


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thanks chaps - i've just ordered a Child's Journey Through Placement.  Between you all and your advice, I've spent nearly £100 in 2 days    

Motherhood is quite dear


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

BB came home at 27 months and we were also told it was a hard time for a child, they are old enough to really understand their loss but not old enough to talk about it or have it explained to them.  However, BB also had a very strong attachment to his FC but we were told it was a good sign as it proved he could make good attachments and that could be transferred to us.

We've had some problems with sleeping initially but attachment doesn't appear to have been a huge issue so far.  BB was with his FC for 22 months and has been with us for 4 months and it seems to be going really well. 

Good luck!  You won't know until it happens but I understand your worry, it was a huge worry for us too, taking a LO away from someone he'd been with from when he was 5 months old to just past 2, very scary! xxx


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thanks MummyAuntieKatie... my LO will have been with FC for 12 / 13 months by the time she moves in.  The closer I get, the more things I am thinking about (would be okay if I could do this in the daytime, but it seems that my mind has other ideas and wakes me up with questions at 3am!)

If this sleeplessness continues I will look like some kind of pale, black-eyed Ghoul - not exactly the look I'm going for for intros (I was thinking Wiggles-style overalls with a series of primary coloured t-shirts - one for each day   )

Need a few early nights and deep sleeps over the next couple of weeks.  I have a lavender pillow spray that I will try - at least I'll be able to try out all these sleep techniques on myself before trying them with LO if the need arises.  A good bounce on a trampoline could do me the world of good too. 

So grateful for all your advice on here folks. 

xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Our lo was with FC from the age of 4 months to 24 months and had a good attachment. During intros she seemed to settle really well with us and Fc's were not able to settle her after day four. Our initial thoughts were "this is to good to be true" and waited and waited for something to go wrong, thank god nothing has and she has settled really well and have not had any issues as such just the normal 2 year old tantrums and settling into a new routine. I think this was key for us, LO didn't have a routine or boundaries or discipline and she was craving for it and once we introduced one she just took to it. This is not to say we may have problems later on though.
I hope we don't but you never know.
You will never know how a lo you have just met is going to take to you and all I can say is to get down to her level when you talk and interact with her and just take it one day at a time. Baby steps as they say and hopefully it will all fit in nicely

Take care and good luck
Skybli.xxx


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