# FC's wanting to adopt our 'soon to be' LO



## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Hello, really need some kind words and any experience of this!

We have been linked/matched and just waiting for matching panel date and just found out the FC's want to adopt our LO! totally gutted!

Anyone been in this situation?


Chardonnay xxxx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

I'm afraid I haven't got any advice but I couldn't read and run. Sending you   . I'm sure someone will be on soon with good advice soon. The only thing I would say (having had worrying news ourselves just before matching panel) is to ask for a meeting with your sw and lo's social worker to ask their opinion on what they expect to happen next and in their opinion the likely outcome - this must be agony for you.   
Duckling x


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Thanks Duckling, we thought we were almost there, still can't believe this is happening! feel so sad   


xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

this is a more common scenario than people realise..people popping up at the last post   
duckling has good advice..ask/demand for as much info as soon as possible, you deserve to know whats going on..
just remember that thus far you dont have any 'claim' to the child and any decisions will be made only with the best interests of the child...and who knows who will decide what that is. also keep in mind that intros could be sticky if the FC's dont keep the child..and you should ask for some extra advice if they seem like they might be difficult with you if that happens..
  its a horrid situation

kj x


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Thanks KJ 

Totally agree with you, LO comes first.  What I don't understand is that the BM has visited LO at the FC's home on many occasions so surely there is a issue of safety!  Maybe they will move!

Just totally devastated, so many ups and downs with IVF and adoption, just thought we were nearly there!  Have already fallen in love with LO!

x chardonnay x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Chardonnay, 
A truly crappy situation! We had some thing sort of similar with our first ds as the foster family had been asked if they wanted to adopt him, they said no, then changed their mind mid-intros. It got messy, but worked out ok in the end.

Dont assume that just because LO has lived with them till now that it is best for him. Adoption and fostering are two different roles. Wait till you get all the information before you panic too much, but some self preservation might be wise too. 

So sorry, will keep fingers crossed for you!  
Xxruth


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Thank you for the replies.  Still feel it will not go our way. 

Does anyone know if there is limit to the age difference between adopters and child?  The FC's have a very large age gap?

Also, I know that BM knows the address of the FC's - does this make a difference?

Sorry for asking but really clutching at straws at the moment.


Chardonnay xx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

No advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say good luck, fingers crossed that everything goes your way. The same thing happened when my neice was adopted, the FCs wanted to adopt her, but in the end they didn't get to adopt and now I have a lovely little neice as a result 

x


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

Hi,
Re age gap, our L/A goes by a max of 45 years between youngest adoptive parent to child. But it differs between different agencies to be honest. Hope it all works out ok for you hun, big hug x


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

Hi I don't have any advice, but this seems so unfair, why did the FC not put themselves forward to adopt LO before he/she was matched.

I really do wish you lots of luck.

Tulip xx


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

That does seem very unfair. Surely there is a cut off point of FC's to decide that they want to adopt! It all sounds very wrong! I really hope you get it sorted in your favour and soon. xxx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

XchardonnayX said:


> Also, I know that BM knows the address of the FC's - does this make a difference?


Friends of ours...foster carers...are applying to adopt their little one (nobody else is involved ie. adopters) but they are having to move because BF knows their address and poses a security risk. SS gave it to him 

Peacelily xx


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi there,
Unfortunately I don't have much advise or experience in the matter, however I have an opinion. I know every situation differs but I think it's very selfish of the foster carers to do such a thing. You want to be asking whether they are experienced foster carers and this is an exceptional scenario for them, or are they inexperienced and fell too involved in the 1 st child placed with them. In our area SW are very clear and strict on the difference between fostering and adoption and such a request would be frowned upon. Foster carers are trainned on dealing with being short term carers for the children placed with them and this is supposed to be made clear and explained to the LO's, so will the idea of them suddenly being permanent mummy and daddy not confuse them. It's very dodgy ground. We have close family and friends who foster and my hat goes off to them, the attachment built and then the separation caused must be difficult. But situations like this should simply not happen, you want to be asking why it has, and why there wish to adopt wasn't identified earlier! Deff get a meeting with SW and LO SW and thrash all these questions out. I feel very angry for you.

Best of luck what ever happens


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## Belliboo (Dec 23, 2007)

Hi chardonnay our FC also wanted to adopt our son but his sw chose us over them, although they we very upset initially, they were very supportive to us during our intros & we got on great with them, they were an older couple with grandchildren similar ages to DS & they understood why DS was being placed with us in the end & actually dealt with the whole thing great in the end. He went to live with them 4 weeks of age & stayed with them until our itnros when he was 17months old, so they all had such a good bond. Our SW were a bit worried how things would go but we had a very postive experience & DS has made great attachments to both me & my DP, but I just wanted to let you know that things can work out good luck & hope things work out for you xxx


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Thank you for all for your replies.

Belliboo - our situation is identical to yours in every way.  I really feel that they have grown to love LO and are doing this because they can't let him go.  Really do not think they have thought about their age and LO's future.  I would totally agree with them adopting LO if they were younger.  I feel they are being selfish by putting their feelings first - they will be pensioners by the time LO reaches his 10th birthday! But I can feel for them, it must be so hard to let go.

Not sure how experienced they are but I don't think it is their first foster child.

I should be used to waiting by now but this 'waiting' is the worst so far!

Thanks again, wouldn't be able to manage without you guys

It's great to follow all the lovely posts on here - it keeps me going!


Love Chardonnay xxx


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Hello again!

After 2 weeks of uncertainty we have found out today that the SW's think we are the most suitable for LO and not the FC's.  I'm still in shock.  Feel really sorry for the FC's but am totally on cloud 9!

Apparently they can appeal against the decision, really hope they don't because I guess that will mean even more delays.

My concern now is how the introductions will go.  Also how well prepared will LO be?

Would love to hear your advice or experiences on either the appeal situation or difficult introductions!

x Chardonnay x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Chardonnay,

I thought I had replied to your original post but must have just imagined it   

I just wanted to say I'm so glad your awful wait is over, that must have been the longest 2 weeks of your life!
I know how much we felt for our lo even just from the point of being linked with him so I can imagine how awful this must have been for you.

Our FC mentioned during intros that she had wanted to adopt our lo but she said she was 'talked out of it anyway', plus wasn't allowed (actually our lo's sw told us that she was told straight off that she wasn't going to be allowed to adopt him (for various reasons) so there was no 'talking out of' involved.
She was a bit prickly to me during intros (mainly me I think as she is a single Mum and so my DH wasn't a threat as he wasn't 'replacing' anyone in her eyes), that and the fact that she flirted with him the whole week, but that's by the by   . DH was having none of it, bless him.
It was a case of our lo being her first long term placement (from a few days old until he came to us at 11 months) and so she had understandably grown to love him. I really felt for her and have so much respect for FC's but it did make our intros a little hard as due to the way she was behaving we spent a lot of energy and emotion making sure we were sensitive to her feelings when it was supposed to be all about our lo.
I'll stop myself there as I could go on and on as she did quite a lot of insensitive and unprofessional things during our intros and although we were sensitive to her needs and feelings she had little regard for ours   
Unfortunately as more than one sw has mentioned to us she may have decided to be a FC for the wrong reasons, and since our lo being placed with us I believe she has been given a lot of support and extra training to hopefully prevent any further difficult intros (for her own wellbeing as well as that of future children and adoptive parents), which we were very pleased to hear.

I think this is quite an unusual experience though and as you said your FC's are experienced FC's and are far older (and I'd hope) more mature than ours was so I'm sure they will behave appropriately and in the best interest of your lo   

Even with our less than ideal intros and the FC hindering our chances of forming an attachment to our lo whilst we were there he had no problems in attaching once home with us or on the very few occasions we were alone with him during intros.  

As I said I'm sure if they are experienced FC's no matter how they feel about your lo and how very hard it must be for them I'm sure they will do all they can to prepare and support your lo & yourselves prior to and during intros.
Intos aren't usually the easiest of experiences, not least because you are in someone else's home and everyone's emotions are running high for obvious reasons, but most people I have spoken to have had positive experiences and many have said it was better than they expected.  

Lots of luck,
Anj x


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## Belliboo (Dec 23, 2007)

Hi Chardonnay so glad things have worked out for you, we were only told that the fcwanted to adopt after we had read his report, little one he been with them since he was 4 weeks old until coming to us at 17 months, we were warned by sw that FC had found news hard that he wouldn't be staying with them so we were very nervous about the intros etc but I can honestly say they couldn't have gone any better, fcs carers dealt with the situation great & were so hospitable to us we couldn't have asked for better fcs, this was also there first experience of moving a child on to an adoptive placentmeny but have had lots of experiences of other child foster placements , good luck & I really hope you get a positive experience like we had xx


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## XchardonnayX (Mar 23, 2009)

Hi Belliboo & Anjelissa

Thank you, it's good to know it can work out ok and glad it worked out well for you both.  

Our situation is very similar, LO been with FC's since birth, now 14 months.  The FC's have asked to meet us next week so hopefully this will break the ice!

We don't have any bad feelings towards them, we want to be as sensitive as possible, we know it will be very hard for them.  Just hope the LO will be well prepared by them and not suffer in any way.  

I'm really concerned about how attached LO is to the FC's.  I have read many adoption books but not one just on attachment - would love to know of any that you recommend.

Also, any recommendations for books about general child development?

x chardonnay x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

just remember that its not a problem if the child is attached well to the FC, its good, it shows they CAN make attachments. The challenge is transfer the attachments to you successfully. In 'A childs Journey Through Placement' there is an excellent section on moving a pre verbal child from FC to adopters. I read and re read it and even asked the FC to read it! It is possibly one of the most useful things i read about adoption. The whole book is good though too!
because i was a trained nursery nurse the FC thought it would be easier if she just kind of left us to it as we didnt need help changing a nappy, feeding or giving a bath etc. It says in the book about how important it is that the FC be there all the time initially so that the child sees her giving 'permission' for the new parents to do these tasks, so that she knows they are safe people..
its a great piece so try and get a read of it..i'd be happy to scan the pages for you if you're not able to get hold of it..just pm me..

kj x


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