# Contact with Foster Carers



## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

I'm having a dilemma trying to decide which form of contact I should keep, if any, with Cutie's F.C's.  

Cutie has seen his Foster family twice, the first time his FM was very upset and crying.  The second time the FC's dd was visibly distressed.  Cutie didn't seem to recognise them on either occasion.  Since then, the FM has phoned us several times, the last time resulting in F.C's dd crying on the phone.  Aside from this, the FM is in contact with Cutie's BM, which makes me feel uneasy.

I'm aware that the foster family have feelings, but want to do what is best for us a family.

Do any of you stay in contact?  If so, by what means?

Laine xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi Laine, is it fc dd that gets upset ? sorry i'm confused

we do keep in very regular contact with our ds foster carer by text message and we try to see them once a month or so and this works very well for us (we are very lucky as we all get on very well) but if ds was getting distressed we would obviously have to reasses the situation. could you maybe get the fc to call for updates when dd is in not around or maybe send a contact letter a couple of times a year. i would be very worried if our fc was in contact with ds birth family and i think i would of stopped contact as soon as i could   

sorry i haven't been much help   i suppose what i'm trying to say is do what you feel is right for you and your ds, have you spoken to your sw about this ?

pam xx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi laine,

we had a difficult time with Boo's FM and although at the beginning we said we would keep contact as we only lived a few miles from each other, by the time he moved in we couldn't face meeting them again. Thankfully they didn't push anything, but we now just exchange christmas cards with a brief update and a couple of photos.

I think if at anytime in your life this is the time to be selfish and think of what suits you and your family best. Maybe a bit of distance will help them move on too.

xruthie


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I am also concerned to hear that the FC is in contact with the birth family still! 

Personally for your own safety and security as a family I would seriously be reassessing the contact with the foster carers. As the others say, maybe send a letter at regular intervals for now and have no face to face contact as this wont be helping your ds with attaching to you 100% 

xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

another one here concerned that FC still in contact with BP's..thats not a healthy link...

our situation is different as we have had to see FM because of contact with littlies baby bro..we all get along famously so we dont mind. we intend to always keep in touch with them. we email quite a bit and i send pics often.they are a big part of littlies life and they are also coming to littlies adoption celebration party becasue i want them to meet our extended family. despite the very strong bond they had with her they are dealing with littlie moving on from them in a much more professional way than yours seem to be 
if i were you i would keep to letters/cards/emails and photos and leave it at that..its not fair on any of you to have tears going on... treat it as you would do letterbox contact for BP's...i would also mention this to your sw so she could maybe mention it to somebody..i'm not sure FC's and BP's shlould be in contact..maybe this FC needs a little word in her ear...

kj x


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Laine, 
I too would be worried about the link with BP's this does not seem entirely normal to me, not that I'm an expert of course! I do think that any direct contact has to benefit our small ones and at the risk of sounding hard hearted if there seems to only be benefit for the FC's than I would question continuing direct contact. Our FC's were very professional and have kept an appropriate distance and we did get on well with them but we are yet to have a direct contact, mainly because we have felt nervous about unsettling the children, saying that we hope to plan one soon as 'Charlie' has recently said that he would like to see them. So far we have exchanged a couple of letters with pictures and also emailed a few photos, we also exchange the occassional text and phone call, maybe indirect contact may be worth considering.
I'm sure you'll come to a decision that is right for you, your DH and Cutie.
Viva
X


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi everyone,

Pam - sorry for the confusion....DD is F.C's  

The situation with contact between FM & BM is not right, hence, my unease.  I will let our sw know about it and see what she has to say.    

In the mean time, we're going to let the F.C's know that our preference is for indirect contact, being once a year at Christmas.  

Thanks for all your comments, really appreciated and very helpul.

Laine xxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Laine

Speak to your SW regarding this one as every one has already said its not right that she has contact with the BF.

We did keep in touch with our DS  foster family but now all we do is send a Christmas card and thats enough!

With DD foster carer we have never been back, DD was only a baby & not been with the foster Mum for long so we didn't feel it would do either any good!

Love
Andrea
x


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## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Laine

We don't keep in touch with our little ones FM.  The agreement during the planning was that we would have a one off meeting soon after placement.  We made contact but had no reply, so therefore have not had any contact for which I am quite glad.  They did sent him a birthday card last year but nothing since.  

I think you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with but I would be very cautious about them having contact with the BF.

Tracey x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

We have an informal arrangement with both sets of FC's where once a year we write a quick note or send a card and perhaps send a photo.  

If we didn't get a reply one year we wouldn't rush to re-establish contact as they although they we all very nice, they live far away from us and I think it is healthy to move on.  DD is too young but we do talk to DS about FC

Cindy


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Laine,
I agree with all that has been said this is not healthy or good for your family. Our FC was great we had a one off visit in the early days and I have spoken and txt a couple of times. Good luck with it all I can imagine how hard it is.
JD x


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