# my sister has had a baby and I am struggling



## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi there

I have stayed away from FF for a long time, trying to lead a normal life without obsessing about having a baby! There have been good days and bad days but I am struggling at the moment. I finally signed on this morning and found this tread.

Infertility is so isolating and it effects so many areas of your life. Particularly family and friendship.

My younger sister has had a beautiful baby boy and I am delighted for my sister, and that my parents are finally grandparents. But it is so hard.... Although I have been through this with friends having babies, it is so much harder when it's family as you can't get away from it.

We were /are a close family but the dynamics of our family relationships have changed in particular the relationship with my mum and sister since Christmas. It's like my mum can't bear to be around me, and all she talks about is her life or my sisters baby, or everyone else's baby she knows. 

No real interest is shown in whats going on in my life or any sensitivity as to how I may feel. My sister and I used to talk at least twice a weeks but that has changed, I guess my sister is just tied up with the baby and her new friends at NCT etc. 

We have just all been away for a weeks holiday I got though it ...... but don't think I could do it again.

I feel so alone at times as eveyone we know has kids and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mummy! and if i'm not then what  can I do with the rest of my life as I would need to do something fulfilling!

I was told at the end of last year that I would not be able to conceive naturally, I underwent an appalling IVF cycle at Crawley. We can't afford anymore fertility treatment other than getting further into debt and I don't know emotionally if I can do it. My husband is not keen on adoption.

I have a dog and a puppy that I adore (my surrogate babies) I get to the point where I think that its enough then panic at the though of never having a children and being on the outside of life and the debate goes round my head again about one more go at IVF. Even though the odds are stacked against us and with a possible genetic problem too!

How do you get to that final stage of acceptance and learn to deal with family??

I must say thanks to flipper for the new dawn topic, and to all of you for all your posts in moving on. I don't feel quite so alone this morning.

Love  and best wishes 

Alison x x x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Albi, Alyson- my heart goes out to you and i completely understand as I am fully expecting either of my sisters to announce a pg this year at some stage.

Like you we are a close family and we go away every 2 years together,just the girls. I don't think that I would be able to cope either with going away "en famille" with babies. It would be so hard for me!!! 

I think you mum sounds a little like mine in that although she has been understanding of my infertility (to a degree- I say to a degree as when I told her we were not doing any treatment she said that I couldnt go on grieving forever!!).She didnt understand how it had effected our marriage since day 1 to 6 years later when we decided to call it a day. But I know that she will be so engrossed in whoever it is who will give her this grandchild and I will be out in the cold.

Even yesterday we were all over in My brothers for dinner (before he gets married in june- yes another potential pg on the horizon!!! ) and for some reason I do feel left out even with these meals.This will be our third wedding in 18th months and I havent done anything to compare with these!!!  Although I am in a better position now than where I was 3 years ago I know I will be so upset when it happens.

I am sorry I have no words of wisdom but I am not over this by any means. You are right when you say that you cannot get out of seeing family. Please keep in touch as maybe then we can keep each others chin up. In a way I wish it would bloody hurry up and happen for me so I can try and deal with it but from what you say thats just as hard 

Take care hun xxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Alison

I feel for you - its so difficult adjusting to family dynamics changing when you really need the support of those you love... don't know what to say to you about that really, its a horrible position to be in. It must be soul destroying for you not being able to continue with further tx either, never mind the uncertainty about what went wrong last time  

Just want to send you a massive   and to let you know that though I'm lacking in words, I'm thinking of you.

My heart goes out to you and your DH.

Much love
Emcee x


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## odette (Nov 3, 2006)

Hi Alison

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. 
I too have suffered two ectopics (left tube removed, right cut) and several failed IVF attempts.

Have you considered the donor egg route - It's hard to imagine at first but that is sometimes the only option we ladies with have when all else fails.  

I would never have thought I would be going down this route but I see it as a second chance and am grateful for that.

odettexxx


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi there

I just wanted to say thank you for all your messages of support, I have hopefully PM'd you all but I am a bit rusty at using this site, so I hope you received them!

Love and best wishes Alison  X


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Alison,

I misssed you when you first posted, but wondered how you are now? I know how hard it is to be the daughter who has not had a baby when parents are so tied up with being grandparents. My SiL and brother are apparently perfect now they have produced a grandchild!

LoL Jq xxx


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Thanks for your message Jq. 

Well it never just rains it pours. After I posted this message my mum turned up on my doorstep the following Thursday to announce my sister was pregnant again (but it was bad news as there was no heartbeat and it would either miscarry or end in a D&C).

She was not very sensitive as to how this news would effect me. As she had just come from the hospital spend all her time telling me how tough it was for my sister and how difficult it is for her ........ All I could think of is my sister has a beautiful baby boy and I may never get the chance to even be pregnant!

So having to take a step back for my own sanity!

This infertility road is tough and just when you pick yourself up and dust yourself down it comes back and bites you.

Anyway enough of this it is a beautiful sunny day and I am taking my fur babies for a walk as thankfully I have the day off. Are those your horses they look fantastic!

Take care and thanks for your post lots of love 

Alison


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Alison,

Yes inded they are my horses. Lovley old lady who saw me through years of mc/tx and her daughter (now 8!!!!) who became my baby substitute!

I am sorry to hear how difficult life has been. Why don't our mums get it? Mabe they know a kisss and plaster ae not going to work anddon't know what else to do?

xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello

My sister is pregnant (due in September) and I'm feeling guilty for dreading it to some extent although also obviously delighted.  I know it will change our family, and whilst that may be no bad thing, the fact is that my mum knows about having children - it was her life's work - and whilst she can grieve with me, it's hard for her to enter into the positive parts of my life, and we seem to spend an awful lot of time talking about babies and pregnancies.    I'm quite accepting of the fact that to some extent she can't say the right thing, and when I get very upset she's great and really supportive, but it is hard, especially as I just can't get away from the IF 'thing' with my family - it's right there in my face all the time!

So you're definitely not alone with all these feelings ... but I don't know that any of us has found a solution!

Jx


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## racheldevon (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi

I am so very glad to have found this suject thread. This is so like me. 

I have been trying for a baby for 9 years, and now know if won't happen. 

In the time my husband and I have been trying for a baby, my sister has had two. And now all my mum can see is the grandchildren. My mum isn't physically all that well, but always perks up when my sister and her boys are around. The only social events that happen in my family only happen if my sister is involved. If I try to arrange anything - like going to see Sex and the City film, a programme that only my mum and I watched - my mum loses interest just as it is about to happen, so of course it doesn't happen.

To my mum the children are everything, and therefore so is my sister. it seems as though my place in the family has moved to the edge, included just because I exist. It is as if I'm not important because I can't provide a grandchild. My mum doesn't want to spend time doing things just with me. 

Anyway I could go on, as my family have a way of rubbing up against the raw bits.

It is great to know I am not alone.

Rachel


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hi guys,

I understand completely.  I was born with a chromosome disorder that meant I was born with no ovaries.  As a result I am only 144cm/ 4ft 8in and infertile compared to my beautiful 5ft 11in skinny sisters who look very much like my mother and like her are models......guess who my parents don't want to have anything to do with  (I dont want to sound harsh but we have a very strained relationship).
I found that I was lucky enough to find an 'adoptive' family on my DH side.  It is so important to find a support network whether it be a biological link or friends and to find goals to give you a real purpose in life.  I dont want to sound cliche, but it is important to be respected for your other facets other than your ability to create a child.  You have so much more to offer!!!!

 
Keep strong

Natalie x


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## racheldevon (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi

Thanks for being there for me.

Rachel


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi there

Thanks for all your posts! As sad as it is, in some ways it's reassuring to know that you are not alone in this. 

Rachel I so identified with how you described your relationship with your mum.... even down to the Sex and City comment. If I spend time with my mum and just fancy a chat.... somehow the conversation always goes back to my sis and her grandchild.

I know she doesn't mean it but everything I do or things that may be going on in my life feel secondary, or not important.

I do agree with you Natalie that you shouldn't be judged on your ability to create a child, and that its the person that counts! I am pleased that you have found support with your adoptive family. I once heard a saying 'Friends are the family you choose for yourself'. 

Although at times this too can be difficult. I have some great friends most of them have children and again even as a couple you can sometimes feel on the outside of things.

Most of the time it's ok, but somedays it hurts, thank god I have my dogs..... I can just bore everyone to tears with their antics, if the baby subject gets to painful.

Oh and I always felt the ugly duckling too growing up! 

Well we are decorating at the moment so here's to an exciting weekend of glossing!

Take care have a good weekend, and love and best wishes to you all 

Alison x x x


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi there

Sorry not to have posted for a while. I never know wether to start a new thread or reply to someone elses, but don't want to hi-jack their thread either. What's the protocol??

I can't tell you how much you have all helped me on this page, in moving forward and comming to terms with our infertility. This may not make much sense with what I am about to post. 

My confession......well I have really gone and done it, taken out a loan (getting ourselves further into debt- which is worrying) and have just started my final IVF cycle. 

I won't post on here for a while as I don't want to upset anyone, but I feel this is part of my journey in acceptance, which I couldn't find any peace with until I started reading the posts on this page last month.

I know are chances aren't great, and I wasn't that keen on going through treatment again, but as our 1st attempt was a disaster and with age, adoption and other factors against us, I don't want to have any regrets or doubts that we didn't give it one last try.

I am scared not about the treatment but dealing with the feelings this is bringing up.

I have my sisters babies christening to attend on Sunday, and there are going to be loads of babies and children there and I am dreading it and the inevitable comments about my fertility. Especailly with all these hormones racing around as I don't feel that great.

Thank you for beign there and I will be watching the threads and thinking of you over the next few weeks

Love Alison x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Good luck with the cycle, Alison - and I hope the christening went well too!

Jx


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## littledog (Jan 24, 2009)

Hello, I am new to this site and I am so glad that I have found it and this post. My younger sister is pregnant and I thought I was going mad and was feeling horrible about myself about all the feelings I am experiencing.

My sister is due in March 09. She got caught after a one night stand. She was lving away from home at the time but has since come back to live with my parents arriving with a bashed up car, a load of debt and the guy has naffed off to Australia She is living rent free, not working with my parents who have started buying her Moses baskets, clothes etc etc. I just feal so angry, jealous, hurt, sick and feel like any realtionship I have had with my mum has been ripped away from me from my sister as like the previous posts all she can talk about is my sister and the baby.

Sorry feeling pretty down about all this at the moment but it is so good to read other peoples experinces which has helped a lot. 

Hugs to all 
XX


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Hi Littledog,

Welcome to ff it is a very great site, i hope you enjoy it and find support and comfort here like so many others have and do.

I feel for you with your sister.

I get that from my mum she is always telling me how fertile she was, i.e she could get pregnant just sitting in my dads bath water. With my infertility i thought this was most cruel. 

She is now with someone else and long story short 3 years ago she announced that she was pregant. It was just at a time when my hubby and i had got a negtive from ivf cycle. Within days of a neg test. I was heartbroken. How could she? 

I had every emotion you can imagine. I was destroyed by it. Sadly she went onto have a m/c shortly after telling me her news. But it chnaged our relationship and things will never be the same between us.

It is so sad, but sadly ivf does make things and life journeys so very hard.

I do hope you enjoy the site honey.

Love Donna


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## Jinglebell (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi Littledog,

Totally get where you're coming from.  My big sis and I have been struggling to conceive for some time (8 years in her case).  My little sis has a 6 month-old.  She is living at home, turning my mum's house into a sty because she split up with the violent, drunk father of her child before Christmas.  (She knew what he was like but still deliberately got pregnant.)  She is also in the process of getting divorced from a different guy and has a new boyfriend.  She argues with my mum and says terrible things to her, but she's living with her rent free and still expects her to pay for a deposit on a flat when she moves out.  

It just makes me mad.  When I spent New Year's eve with my big sis and our husbands, she found out and wrote on ******** 'Abandonded by my family tonight, but at least I have a baby'.  DH and I had only babysat the previous night until half 12 so she could go out with a friend.  And this week, she had an argument with my mum and walked out, saying she could keep the baby and wouldn't be coming back.  But when you talk to her, she denies she did any of this and can't see a problem - you feel like you're the one in the wrong!  Some months ago, I said she could come and work for me - it won't even have crossed her mind that her behaviour might affect that!

My mum tries to be good, but she obviously adores my niece.  She is very supportive but doesn't always say the right things - she wants us to 'hurry up' so she has more grandchildren and my sister can't hold her to ransom over her only grandchild.

But at least I have my big sis - we've always got on and are even closer now.  Little sis always moans that 'everyone hates her' (she has done this since she was a small child) but her behaviour has always been despicable - she had an abortion at 18 and told my big sis it was her fault for making her feel guilty about getting pregnant.

Where did the 'Jerry Springer' gene come from?  The rest of us are perfectly normal!  

It is only a matter of months before my big sis adopts, so that's what will keep me going.

Big   to all.

Jinglebell x


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi there little dog, donna and jinglebell.

Hope you are all ok. I wrote this post some time ago, and it was a real surprise to see a response in my e-mail account inbox. I can't believe anyone still reads that far back. It was especially weird as I finally decided to tackle my family this week some 18 months after this original post!!

I was just sick and tired of trying to pretend it's all ok and that things don't affect me or my husband. 

Littledog like Donna welcome to the site, I have found the support here invaluable. Jinglebell sorry things sound so difficult at the moment....there is nothing like family to push all the wrong buttons!

Well we had our final go at IVF in the summer, and sadly it was a BFN. I ended up with hyper stimulation again and enough is just enough. I can't go through this anymore. So I am trying to create a positive life now without children. 

I have manically been painting the house, taken on a new job, done some dog training and looking at other things to make my life feel full and of purpose.

It is tough at times as two of the doctors I work with have just had babies and I thought that was it, then another one announced she is pregnant so I have another 9 months of it, you just can't get away from it. Infertility is so isolating at times.

I decided this year I was going to get on with my life and start making plans. It was weird seeing this as I  e-mailed my parents last week a nice letter explaining how I felt as it has never been addressed since my nephew was born. I am hurt as I hardly ever get to see him and he is now 18 months! I found Christmas hard being around all the family.

It's not that I want to spoil their hapiness but they can be so tactless. I have realised  that to protect myself and husband we might not always go to family events or if we do we might not stay for as long as we used to. I tried to explain all this and as you can guess it didn't go down all that well.

But at least I have tried.

I just want you to know that you are not alone and my thoughts are with you. I really struggled through Christmas and the new year. Some days are tough, it never goes away but I am finding other things to replace whats missing and just for today it's ok

Take care
Love Ali x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Ali

Well done for trying ... what more can anyone do?  And then just limiting the time you are around to put up with things is the only other thing you can do really.

I hope that you are able to find the support and friendship you need outside your family instead, to make this new start a really positive thing for both of you.  That whole 'friends are the family you choose' thing sounds a bit naff, and obviously it isn't quite the same, but still, I hope you can find a support network outside the whole child-based thing

Lots of love

Jx


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## Felica (Jan 15, 2008)

The trouble is of course that by definition parents can't really understand-because they themselves are parents! 

I love my niece and nephew-and my sister had 3 goes at IVF before having them so is in no way smug about it-but it is difficult.Especially as I have never acknowledged in front of my parents that I have ever even tried to have children, let alone had many miscarriages! It would, I know, only upset them and  I would rather people think I am content as I am than that they feel sorry for me.

But yes it is very isolating


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## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

I was due to go to a family event today, to celebrate my BIL's 40th, not sure what to say really but after posting here about never getting to see my nephew and hoping to sort things out with my sister, I got an e-mail to say my sister is 12 weeks pregnant.

I just did not see it comming, every other time I have know she was pregnant before she did.

I could just not face going today with all her friends and their babies and celebrating their news. It's not that I resent it or their happiness, but I just can't put a big brave face on and pretend it doesn't affect me. I was so positive about facing the New Year comming to terms without having a family of my own. Now I have to watch her go through another pregnancy. 

Being family you just can't get away from it.

So I haven't gone, but had pressure from my mum today about going and how tough it is for my sister etc.etc. all which really upset me ....now feeling crap. So tucked up in bed with my fur babies and a large slice of carrot cake! In fact I might do the whole cake.

Thanks Felica and Pol for your posts. 

love Alison


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Alison      

I completely understand, we all have days hon when things happen and we just can't put that 'happy brave' face on. Look after yourself as you and how you feel is more important on days like this   Furbabies and cake are by far the best medicine so enjoy your cuddles and if i was you i would do the whole cake  

  

Amanda xx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Oh you poor thing - bless you, and hope that your fur babies are comforting and that the cake is truly scrummy!  It's so tough when people don't understand the difference between being happy for someone else but still unable to feel brave as their happiness just highlights your own unhappiness!  Don't feel bad about hiding under the duvet - we all have to sometimes - and I hope you feel better soon!

Jx


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