# Pressure



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi all,

unsure if this is the right thread to post on, but will go ahead anyway.

Does anyone else feel under pressure because of fertility treatment? As in, I feel pressure to be the best mum (not even pregnant yet!) and to totally "get" being a mum straightaway, for all those natural instincts to take over from the get-go. Pressure to have a good pregnancy, the kind all other women are jealous of where you absolutely glow for 9 months? Pressure to be able to have as much time off work as possible to be with the baby? Maybe even to not go back to work for the first five years! Pressure to really really want a baby? I am getting scared now that perhaps I don't want a baby as much as some women on here do. There are times when DH and I are hanging out, doing whatever, and I think "we would be fine without our own child" then there are times I think otherwise...but then sometimes I think that, if he didn't already have children, would I want my own child so much? Do I want a child with my DH because he has already had children with someone else and I want to be the same?

Really stuck in a loop at the moment with all this going on!
Anyone else been through similar emotions?


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## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Clairerianne

Still have the "not 100% sure I want to be doing this" thought every time I see an annoying spoilt brat or a wailing baby. Part of me thinks it'd be good to be carefree and do what I want. I resent the media conditioning that pregnancy and babies is easy and normal and glamorous and how it is paraded in our faces at every angle.

Deep down I know I do want a baby..its a primeval instinct and I know these thoughts are just because i'm scared of the unknown. Or just scared of what I have to go through or trying to protect myself in case it goes wrong.

Its not an answer, but just to say you aren't alone with a mixed bag of emotions x


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thanks LuLuLimon,

i so struggle with the uncertainty of everything. I think that if we were able to try naturally then there would be a lot less pressure. Knowing we have two attempts left, and knowing how much extra debt we are in on our mortgage, scares me half to death! I can't help but think that if we would be ok without a child then we can give the money back, and not have such a huge mortgage bill, and not be worried about providing for a child, and not be worried about being good parents... That's self-preservation thinking right there! Because then i think what if we decide to stop treatment then in five years I really am desperate for a child and our chance has gone? 
We just saw Bad Neighbours and the couple have a lovely baby girl who, apparently, never cries, and the parents mess up but are basically quite cool...more pressure to get everything just right!
Sorry for rambling, but my mind is non-stop ramble at the moment!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's very common for people to push away or reject ideas or experiences -or people!- that they really want but are scared they are not good enough for...fear of failure makes it easier in many situations to 'not try' rather than take risks.. it sounds very normal to me everything you said... just because *some* of the time you think you would enjoy life as a couple doesn't mean you don't want a baby or wouldn't be a good parent. there is no such person as a parent who is perfect 24/7 or who never wants time out...i love my baby but it's still fun to have time off! it's easy to think the slightest imperfection in me would be a reason to stop trying... i could easily say 'i can't be perfect so i will fail'.. but children don't need perfect parents they need love, and to learn how to cope with life, which is itself not perfect. don't try and set targets for your imaginary child to fail.... they wouldn't be perfect either... but nobody is.. we all just try. x


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

I remember those feelings too. If it had of happened naturally, then imagine all these thoughts that never would of occurred to us. I guess with IF, it brings into sharp focus the reason why people have children because logically it is a MASSIVE sacrifice to have children which our society does not really acknowledge. 
I remember thinking that I didn't want it as much as other guys on this site as before we started trying, we were quite ambiguous about children and decided we only wanted one. When we found out we needed treatment, I too thought that I would now need to be the perfect mum. I suppose that might be because 'if I want it hard enough,  it'll happen' type thing.I would say that I have now come full circle to how I felt before I started trying, that I REALLY  want it to happen but I will also be able to live a life if it doesn't. Xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Clairerianne,

I am so glad that you posted this! I go through this all the time and it's so good to hear someone else talking about it.  Just this weekend I thought, actually I feel fine not having baby, I love our life, our freedom and we wouldn't be able to do everything we do now and it just be 'us', I felt content.  My DH also has children and I wonder exactly the same thing as you! Sometimes I think I cant wait until his ex partners get told we are having a baby, I want them to be envious! I know that sounds awful and I don't know why I want that...it's like get one over on them in some way, I have him and we have a baby and we are together....it's actually really mean of me and why do I feel the need to think like that!? I guess it's because they have something with him I don't.  I want to feel okay about that. 

I also wonder if I don't want a baby as much as other people on here, as so many people seem prepared to go to the ends of the earth for a baby, but I don't even want to pay for IVF as it would mean borrowing money and getting in debt.  Sometimes I do wonder if I want a baby because I can't and because I want what other people have and because it makes me feel inadequate not being able to have one?!

Other times I feel this deep feeling of longing for a baby in the pit of my stomach, that almost feels unbearable as it's so overwhelming.  I have always been a bit of an ambivalent person, especially when things are uncertain, so in some ways I'm used to this swinging from one side to the other.  I do worry that if I had a bay I would end up thinking 'what the hell have I done this for!'. One of my friends wives said that to me once, after they had their first baby she said she came downstairs and said to her husband, "what the hell have we done, we've ruined our lives!".....luckily that passed for her, but it stills scares me!


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## kerryh (Apr 15, 2014)

Really honest post Claireianne so well done you!! I bet more people are thinking what you just said they just can't quite bring themselves to write it down. You are not alone in feeling the way you do and there is nothing wrong with it! I wonder too if I only want a baby to prove I can all the time. 

I'm having an ectopic pregnancy at the moment and I feel so guilty because when I first found out I was pregnant, while I was happy and excited, I was also really worried. I'd been so obsessed with getting pregnant i'd never really stopped to think about what it might be like be pregnant and have a baby. I was really scared about my relationship with my DH and what impact it would have on our lives. We are so close and suddenly I just didn't feel ready to share our lives with another person. I kept thinking about all I've worked for with my career, seeing the world with DH, our freedom. It was awful and I felt so selfish for wanting something so badly and not having the appropriate response when I got it. I felt pretty unworthy of the whole thing. 

My obsession with getting pregnant had really affected DH and I know I was a total cow to live with for at least the last 6 months. The thing is when I found out how dangerous this pregnancy was all I really thought about was him, him losing me, us losing our marriage. I now know that as much as in my heart I know I do want to a baby, DH will win every time, I chose a life with him and anything else will have to be a bonus should it happen. 

There is a real temptation to become fixated with getting pregnant again. Before the ectopic I was willing to give all our savings to IVF and damn what DH felt about that. Now I know that just isn't realistic for us. DH is 14 years older than me and I need to think about my life with him more. He'll retire 14 years before me and I don't want him to have retirement alone while I work. I want us to be in a position where we can retire together and have a great time. I would love to become pregnant again and give us a family but I can't make my life about getting pregnant anymore. It's putting too much pressure on me and our marriage. 

Maybe one day we'll get our dream of being parents but in the meantime there is champagne and travel and my wardrobe full of tiny dresses, shoes that are too high, working too late, drinking too much and having fun with the man I chose to spend my life with! That ain't half bad ladies!


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Kerryh, just replied to another post of yours, but just wanted to say it sounds like you have a great relationship, so enjoy it, treasure it and have fun! I'm lucky that I have a great marriage too, we say the same that it will be a bonus if we have a baby and if not we are so lucky to have each other.  It took us both a long time to find someone we could really love and be happy with, so we feel very grateful for that.  It was a hard journey for us both!

I have also been hearing so many sad things lately about people dying or people with horrible illnesses, so I keep reminding myself that I really could be in a far worse position.


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Ladies, thank you so much for all your replies. I've been trying to stay off FF for a while, just while my mind has been in overdrive.

KerryH I hope you are doing okay - I'm so sorry, but I don't really know what happens when you find out you have an ectopic pregnancy. I hope that you are being well looked after  

It is so uplifting to know that there are other people who feel the same as me (although sad at the same time). Once again, FF stops you from feeling like you are going mad! KerryH, my DH is 19 years older than me, in fact, he hits the big 5-0 this year (!) and I am now thinking more of the future and being able to go and have adventures together now rather than after we have a child and they've grown up and DH is then 70. Obviously, though, having a child is an adventure too. Wisp, I totally know what you mean about the exes! I wasn't a part of my DH's and ex-wife's divorce (we met after) but I still feel the same as you! Katehe, you're right - our society doesn't acknowledge the sacrifice - I find myself worrying about childcare now, without even a hint of a bfp in sight!! Goldbunny, thank you (as always) for reminding me that the way I feel is normal 

We have our follow-up appointment on Monday, but I haven't mentioned any of my thoughts to DH yet because it's taken me a while to get them sorted in my own mind. I think we'll wait and see what the consultant says, what our options are, then we will talk when we get home afterwards. I have come to realise that I would be okay if we didn't have a child. Not to say that at times it wouldn't hurt (when his sons have families one day...) but that it would be okay. I am tempted to ask DH if he wants to sit and write a bucket list together, so we know what life will hold for us if things don't work out. To help us realise there is still fun to be had. Kind of like in "Up".

Hope everyone is doing okay this evening


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## hollyD78 (Feb 28, 2012)

I think the bucket list idea is fantastic!

I too get feelings like this and sometimes, it is completely overwhelming. 'what if I can't change a nappy correctly? What if the formula isn't correct? 'what will people think if I look exhausted? 'will they think badly? Does that mean I'm not doing it correctly? Etc etc.

Also, my partner is 24 years older than me. He will be 50 next year. I've noticed thoughts about that popping into my head too. 'what if we'll be to tired all the time? Will I miss out on important activities with him that won't be possible with a child? Will he restnt me in years to come?'

I feel, once you find out Ivf, ICSI, etc, is the only option left to trust and have a biological child, you are forced to think of things differently. The element of suprise is completely taken away and as you ladies are well aware, the waiting can be torture.

At the moment, neither of us have been able to accept 'it might not ever happen' although I am positive, that if that time did come, we would still cherish our time together.

So glad you posted this! We've all probably felt very negative things at some stage and feel terrible and like we're the only people to ever think that way. It's very reassuring to find out we're not along in our thoughts. 

Holly x


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## kerryh (Apr 15, 2014)

Hi ladies 

Sorry it's take so long to reply Wisp and Claireianne. I was in hospital over the weekend with pain and other things. Finally have the right painkillers so feeling better. Also my hormones were only 400 so it wont be long until I get to zero which means we can go to Italy for 3 weeks. Can't wait for it to be over now. I spent Saturday sat in a hospital bed high as a kite on painkillers. Poor DH popped out to get a coffee and by the time he got back I was sky high and telling him how cute he was among other nonsense and ramblings. It was actually quite nice to have a break from the pain but DH had a day of being totally sober stuck in the EPU, poor love. I should have shared my meds with him! 

Wisp i'll reply to you on here as we seem to be across two threads - its sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your DH. You are so right to stop thinking 'I can't book this because I might be pregnant' 'I can't do that just in case'. It's great to have things to look forward to and when you really love and have fun with your OH then those experiences are the best. If you were to get pregnant then you wouldn't give a stuff about the holiday you had to cancel anyway. If this pregnancy had carried on then it was going to stop Berlin at xmas for us, I didn't care at all! Although I will admit to feeling a bit sad about my high heels and dresses!!  It was a hard journey for me and my DH to be with each other too and I still wake up every morning excited to be lying next to him. I'm not sure that is ever going to change and it makes me   If it was tough for you guys too to get together then i'm sure you know what I mean!! 

I know what you mean about other peoples issues putting ours in to perspective. My friend has to have part of her cervix removed and it looks like it might be some type of cancer. She's being so bloody brave about it too. She has epilepsy as well and has worked so hard to get her life together and stay positive. She has been so supportive of me during my fertility issues and ectopic pregnancy even though she's not in that sort of place in her own life she has listened and asked all the right questions and been sympathetic. I'm going to be with her during her op and recovery so at least I can repay her wonderful friendship. She gives me the strength to keep going and makes me realise I need to get a grip and it's not as bad as I imagine it is!! 

Claire and Holly older hubbies brings a whole new set of issues. Great things too like George Clooney silver fox hair, culture, experience and better appreciation of women, but also issues! I'm not sure if we were the same age that we'd be trying yet. It's good we are because of the obvious issues with my fertility that have been uncovered but it was DH that said we needed to try sooner rather than later because being a new father at 50 could be tough. Also we need to plan for the future more. We are secure now so do we really want to be spending tens of thousands on fertility and jeopardising that. My other half has his own business and it's going really well now, perhaps that should be our baby and we should concentrate on that instead. It's tough! 

Hope everyone is ok


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