# Adoption while still ttc



## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi
My Dh and I have been ttc for over years and have been told we fit into the "unexplained" category 
We have been told by our local Social Services that their policy is you can't pursue adoption whilst having IVF treatment or following investigations.
I spoke to Hope (I think?...) last night in chat, and she told me that her local borough are considering them for adoption depsite the fact she is still going through investigations etc.
Has anyone else been advised this?
My DH adopted my son and we had to have a S/W assigned as there is currently no legislation to deal with a natural parent marrying a step-parent...so I actually had to adopt my "own" child...weird! 
I have spoken to my S/W this morning and she has advised me that it differs from borough to borough, and that if we wish we can approach another borough who has no objection to us still ttc, but also seeking to adopt.
We feel like we are between a rock and a hard place at the moment....we don't want to turn our backs on the dream of us having our own child....but, at the same time we would love to give a couple of adopted siblings a new start in life with us.
We would like older children 4-5 yrs upwards, as my son is going on 12 years. We feel that if we can't have _our_ baby, we'd be more than happy with older children, and also as babies and younger children tend to be matched with childless couples.
I don't want to put a time frame on us deciding to call it a day in ttc our own child, but it saddens me that, in the meantime, children are missing out on being placed with new families, like us.
Has anyone got any advice or are going through similar emotions as us?
Thanks
Angel
XX


----------



## Guest (Mar 22, 2004)

Hi Angel
Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I looked into adoption a little while ago and it seemed that most places expect you to have 'got over' the whole ivf thing before you can be considered for adoption (!). In some cases they expect you to wait a year before they will consider you, others say about 6 months. So wherever Hope lives I think it is unusual that they have this approach!

I suggest you phone around other Social Services in your local area and find out it any of them have a different approach (e.g. phone some county councils around your area). Sometimes Social Services are looking for 'out of borough' placements for children. 

My other suggestion is to get in contact with some national agencies, particularly if you're looking for an older child - from what I've been told they are much much much more efficient than city/county councils. 

Good luck Angel
love chick xxx


----------



## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

hi Chick
thanks for your reply.
What's the difference with S/S and an adoption agency?
Does this mean they are private and you have to pay?
I've been on the net this afternoon and have ploughed through some local councils and some of them state straight away that people looking to adopt can't be having IF investigations.
It just seems such a waste for us, as I am not ready to stop ttc...yet we want to adopt aswell.
I'll keep plodding on...til I get some answers.
atb hon and thanks 
Angel
XX


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Angel

Adoption Agencys are private and often run by organisations such as Barnardos. They should not charge money as they tend to operate in the same way as the Social Services. I think you will find that they all say that you should have finished tx before you adopt. The belief is that you should be putting the adopted children first, not as a distraction whilst you continue trying for your own children. (Their quote, not mine as I believe that even if they are a distraction from your infertility it doesn't mean you will love them any less.) For this reason they may also ask that you take contraceptives for 6 months whilst the adopted children settle in. My Social Services have definitely requested this.

You are wrong about babies/younger children being placed with childless couples. I've met couples who had a birth child and adopted a baby/toddler. However, what they will look at is your whole family environment, your age, your son's age, what sort of family you are. All I can say is that all though I am only part of the way down the process I have already seen that it is not easy and in some ways it is as difficult and emotional as tx.

Take time to consider your options.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.

Cindy


----------



## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi
sorry haven't replied sooner.
We've been talking about the whole adoption process and we're still undecided.
We are, still, unexplained 2ndry IF, and we're not ready to give up yet, on ttc our own.
We've got a few friends who foster and they have spoken quite frankly about the heartache and pleasure they go through, and we've concluded fostering isn't an option for us. Not because of what they've said, but we feel it would be too hard for Sam, our ds, to cope with.
We've discussed adoption with Sam and he understands the whole process and that he'll be asked how he feels and what he thinks etc.
Our social worker, we had assigned to us for Andy adopting him was lovely, and she gave us a full run down on what happens, and what we'd have to go through, and the time it takes, it took us nearly 2 years for Andy to adopt Sam.
I agree in part, to the idea that still ttc might compromise your emotions and time with your adopting a child, but I still feel it isn't totally accurate.
We don't want to adopt a child to "distract us" or "fill a gap" in our lives, whilst still ttc, we feel we have so much to give a child or sibling group.
We always said we'd like to adopt as we know there are so many kids in care, and children's homes are still bursting with children seeking new families.
I guess we'll have to carry on as we are, and wait until we either know for sure we can't have our own child together or wait for the time we do decide we've had enough and give up.
I still feel so sad though that we could be giving some kids a new start in life.....
thanks for all of your replies
love to all
Angel
XXXX


----------



## Clarabel (Dec 17, 2003)

I can understand their point in asking you to stop tx before adopting, but if there is any suspicion you would love the adopted child less than your own hypothetical child then surely they shouldn't hand over a child at all! Adoption IS taking the child as your own. I can't see how they could stop you from pursuing IVF afterwards anyway, say you adopted and 3 years later wanted IVF again, what would happen? If you were suddenly able to have your own child, how is that any different? Grrrrr

I am sorry, this isn't actually helpful to you, it just seems madness.


----------



## Danielle1 (Sep 8, 2004)

Do they actually physically check whether you have had fertility treatment in the last 6 months?  My DH would like me to have one more shot at treatment before we start the process, but I am petrified this would ruin our chances of adoption.  Can anyone advise on this.


----------



## rosy (Mar 31, 2004)

I'd love to know from anyone who has gone thru this - what checks they make ? I do know though that they ASK you lots of times about IVF, when did you last try etc. etc.


----------



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Danielle and Rosy

The SS can get some info from your GP - when you have your medical. So if your IVF unit have sent copies of letters to your GP to keep on file, these may come to light. Having said that, the SS cannot gain any info from the IVF unit at all - your treatment file stays completely confidential and within the staff members of the IVF unit. 

The big problem is that with the whole adoption process you are encouraged to speak openly and frankly about your experiences - and to keep quiet would mean lying time and again and remembering what you've said. Don't forget that a conversation re the IVF that you have at first application may well be brought up again months down the line. Could be tricky.

I personally would advise being honest with your SW - this at the end of day is the person who will take you through to panel and find you your child/ren. We have to believe 100% in them, so it's only right the favour is returned. Also if your family and friends all know about your last treatment, could one of them slip up and say something they shouldnt when the time comes to be a referee for you?!  

I know it seems a hardship to wait another 6 months, you just want to get right in there and start again (been there myself), but once you're in that 6 month break, you will realise it's there for a reason. I certainly needed that time out - I wasn't saying that at first though!
The time flys by and when you get to our stage, it's worth the wait!

Best of luck

E


----------



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hello,

I'd have to agree whole heartedly with Ever here.....your SW has a huge responsibility on his/her shoulder getting to know you and trust you, to place a child with you. We've all read the horror stories in the newpapers where the SW always seems to be at fault. If they feel at any time you are not being truthful with them, they will start asking themselves "what else have they been lying about?" and that can only lead them to draw the conclussion that they cannot trust you. Scarey I know, but i promise you the waiitng time will fly by......book a holiday, or do some decorating, just keep busy and soon enough you'll be emersed in SWs and paperwork and children's profiles with no fears of being caught out.

good luck,
XXXXXRuth.


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Girls

I also agree with Ever.  I think most Social Services would not like you to do fertility tx whilst starting the adoption process.

Also both processes are quite stressful and I do not think you could properly give them both the attention that you need at the same time.  Also as Ruthie says you cannot lie to your SW as your whole relationship needs to be one of truth and trust.

I can sympathise, like Angel we were unexplained and had been ttc for 8 years.  After I lost the baby I conceived with ICSI we still had some frozen embyros to use for FET but I wanted to be able to start adoption procedures in case the FET didn't work because I was already then 40 and time was against me.  Unfortunately you have to be patient.  After the FET failed we were able to go into adoption 2 months later and nearly a year later we are about to adopt a baby boy.

It's not easy to wait but my recommendation is decide which road you want to take, either carry on with tx or start adoption and find yourself plenty of nice distractions, holidays, etc to keep you going in the meantime.

love
Cindy


----------



## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Hi all
I have been ttc for 3 years but DH has azoospemia so using donor sperm with IUI and clomid.
Called our local social services today to request a pack as would like to start reading up and getting info etc.  Somerset County Council's website says they will not let you apply until you have finished have treatment however i spoke to the lady today who confirmed that you can officially apply, do all the courses etc and pull out at the last moment even if you having treatment!  Good news for us if we do have to down that route, but surely a waste of time and money for the cash strapped departments anyway??


----------



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Alex,

we were originally being assessed for adoption in somerset with bath and north east somerset family placement team? Was it someone there that told you this because it wasn't what we were told. As it happen it didn't affect us as we'd never had any treatment, but I'd be surprised if that was the case for exactly the reasons you suggested: the cost of training you up to lose you at the last minute.

cheers,
Ruth.


----------

