# Does anyone else feel limited as an adopter?



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

The title of this thread sounds awful, but I didn't know how else to "present" it!

I must start by making it clear that I don't mean that anyone should feel limited in being parents through adoption, as apose to natural parents.
I'll explain myself....

Since we became parents, it's been plainly clear that we do have limitations on our lives, so far as any publicity goes. That doesn't mean I'm a show off and want to get myself in the papers etc  

In everyday life things, such as not putting notices in the local rag to celebrate a loved one's birthday, being at a public event and trying to avoid any cameras incase our faces spring up on the local news. I even think as far as when dd is in her first nativity play at school, that I must insist that no photo which includes her face (and name) must be sent to the press.
And more recently, I've had friends ask me to join their chats on "face book" website, and I've declined for fear of being rumbled.
I did try opening an "account" but found that even if I keep all my details secret, I'd have to put myself down as an alternative name, and wouldn't want my friends details on display either.

I feel safe keeping anonymous but sometimes, I feel a little restricted.

Anyone else have thoughts on this??


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I know exactly what you are trying to say & how you feel!!

When our DD was younger and used to go to Tumble Tots we were asked if the local rag could take a picture of her during the session & I said NO.  I sat there and saw all the other tumble tots having the photo taken & if my DD was near by they would move her so she wouldn't appear in the papers.

I could see my DD looking at me as if to say whats up why can't I go on the photos?

in the end I said they could take her photo as I felt it was unfair on her & knowing that the BPs are a long way away from us made the decision easier as I thought the chances of them getting the local rag would not be possible..............nothing has ever come of it.

i think you do get to a point and you think, I'm doing this to protect my DD & my family but if you can weigh up the pro's and con's like I could then there is no reason really that we should miss out on things.............of course our top priority is keeping the identify and where abouts "secret"

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever,

Totally know where you are coming from. I have just got into ******** and find it hard not to put on picture of my family as other friends are able to or up there names down. I also feel like this when i see birthday cards being read out on milkshake kids tv etc.

PBMx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks girls

It;s nice to know it's not just me!

Unfortunately, I am completely tied on this, unless we change our identities and move away!!
Nice thought sometimes, but not altogether practical!  

It has made me re-assess what we're willing to do regarding our next child/children. I mean to do with face to face meetings with bf and changing names etc.
Although I do truly think why the hell should we have to hide away and keep anonymous when we aren't in the wrong? We are the "goodies" in this particular film and yet we lose out    Why can't there be a superhero to jump to our rescue and banish the bad guys?!


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

I am so sorry you feel 'restricted' - I know it isn't a nice feeling.  I know that we do too - although a chat to our very nice social worker has helped a lot in our case. he put our mind at rest about a few 'security' issues and has helped us live with the information available to us.

We have been told that it is ok for photos of Bubbles appearing in groups/ at activities these days as we have no contact at all with birth family and they haven't seen her since she was a tiny baby.  However her photo can't appear with her full name because her middle name is a 'bit unusual' - nothing crazy - just more recognisable.  Her first name is 'dead common' as my brother put it    so no worries about 'security' there for us.

We have been told no to birthday cards on cbeebies / milkshake as the name and date are a huge 'clue'.  This is the one that makes us most sad as Bubbles absolutely loves watching the birthdays on CBeebies and asks when it is her birthday and it is hard to explain to her that she will never have a card shown there.

But I guess the fact the she is ours forever makes up for not having a birthday card on tv for her.

magenta xx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Really glad that you started this thread Ever, I had to say no for the first time to 'Charlie' having his photo in the paper, it was his nursery's 10th anniversary and they were having a big party, I was worried that he would feel sad and left out if everyone lined up without him, but as we haven't formally adopted him yet there's no way we could take the risk. In addition add the fact that 'Lola's real name is rather unusual and that Charlie's is not that common and has an unusual spelling that we can't change as he is old enough to recognise his name and is starting to write it, I think that we are going to have to be very careful in the future. I hadn't even thought about the risk of birthday cards on Cbeebies etc in fact I'd even been thinking about how lovely it would be and how to ensure that I could do a card good enough to be shown   but thinking about it it really would be a very bad idea!!!

I am on ******** but don't really use it much since they've been placed (partly lack of time) but also because I'm concerned that someone might post something indiscete on it about the small ones.  I also wish I could put photo's of them up and I often wish that we could all have pics up on here of our beautiful children particularly as I feel that we all know each others children a little and it would be lovely to put faces to the stories.

Viva
XXX


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

Just a thought and I don't know if it would be allowed but here it is anyway....

why not give your child a "secret code name" - a funny or cute nickname that is between you and them... for example, our god-daughter is 16 now but my DH still calls her Tiny (lol don't ask)

A card appearing on TV addressed to Tiny would be very recognisable to her, but to no-one else.....

love Kehlan


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I hadn't thought too much about this so far, as Bea is quite young.  She's 20 months, so it will be more of an issue in the coming few years.  I really hadn't thought about school and not letting her appear in the paper.  That would be a real no-no with her school name, her name and photo.  

Although, I have to say that BF have no idea where we live and aren't in the same area for the local paper.  Bea's name is quite popular so that wouldn't be a problem, but yes we do have to be quite careful.

I have just been on GMTV talking about adoption with my hubby and we didn't allow Bea to go on, although we let them show a picture where she was much younger and wouldn't be identified.  We made sure they didn't say our surname or the area where we live.  So it is on your mind a lot, it has to be. 

As for Milkshake birthdays... I'm not quite sure what the problem is.  So they see a little photo of the child - that doesn't identify where they are, or who their parents are.  I personally can't see the problem in that.  We will send photos anyway as part of contact, so they will see nothing that they haven't already.

********.. well again, I don't have a problem with that. I am not part of a network so the only people who can see my photos are the people I accept an invitation from.  I wouldn't accept an invitation from anyone I didn't know.. and who don't already know about Bea... so again, not a problem IMO.. unless I am missing something - in which case, please feel free to let me know. 

Good thread - food for thought.. it's so easy to forget about these things in daily life.. I forget she's adopted half the time.. although it always kicks in when it's about her safety of course!

Carole xx


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