# Relationship woes but all in my head..



## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi,

I'm having a really tough week, still recovering from Erpc on Monday and emotionally not holding up too good. No one truly understands the pain we go through do they. But the one pain that has stuck with me throughout my years of infertility is that inflicted on my dh. he isn't the one with issues as such. It's my body that fails to keep a pregnancy. I blame myself a lot, wonder why he is still with me, I think I'm holding him back. Sometimes I think he wants this a lot more than me now. I'm sick of all the heartache. My eyes are heavy and I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror.

I don't know what to do - I look at him and see the toll it's taking. he is being strong for me. I fear he will abandon me when that's probably the last thing he will do. He's a beautiful man, my rock and means more to me than anything. But how do I stop that guilt feeling. That its all my fault. I wish I could provide him with the family he so longs for. I've never wanted to make someone so happy like I do him. He knows how I feel and is positive for the future. 

I just can't get around this feelings. He reassures me but its not enough. 

I feel a failure. it's still so raw but I've had these feelings for 6 years now. it's not getting any easier.


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## MARIA218 (May 9, 2013)

awwwwww honeyyy  

don't feel like that, i know that its hard, really HARD but its also not your fault either!!!! you can't just blame yourself
like that, its not fair on you. i am 100% sure your husband loves you more than anything and he would never leave you. 
your time will come when its the time time for you, you just don't know it yet. and all of us here are here to support each other
so just message anyone and we will help make you feel better we'll listen   just don't think like that please

lots of hugs your way    

p.s you time WILL come don't give up stay strong


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

When we started down the if route 6/7 years ago it was cos by dh had terrible sperm, several years later we found out that iv got a serious chromazone problem.  So basically the route to our infertility started as him but is really and truthfully more me.  I never considered it to be my dh problem and i think i have always seen it as a joint venture trying to have a baby.  


Your in it together so consider it as a joint problem. x


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## Lucy708 (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi. I also really struggle with these awful feelings of guilt for my husband. He's also younger than l am so l'm convinced he'll be better off with someone else. I saw a councillor and this was talked about a lot. He made me realise that my husband won't leave me because of this. I do still have times when l think he'd be better off without me, but they are getting less and less.
My husband tells me that he didn't marry me to have children with but because he loves me. This helps.
I'm also very hard on myself and a good bit of advice l had was to try to talk to yourself as though you were advising a friend. It works and makes me be easier on myself.
Take care


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## Fx (Feb 28, 2012)

Sweetpea
My heart breaks for you. You are right, unless you have been through this I feel it is impossible to understand the daily torture it brings. I'm so sorry for your recent loss, it just is not fair. Sending you lots of love to get through this horribly tough time.
I also feel very similar to yourself, all the problems are with me, not my DH. This brings with it lots of guilt. On dark days I imagine him leaving me for someone else and having a baby with them, then on a good day I realise I am being insane and it is me he wants to be with, me he wants children with, no one else. I am sure your husband feels the same.
Your hormones must be all over the place, and those hormones are perfect ingredients for these types of thoughts.
I am sure everything feels like a nightmare at the moment and I truly hope and believe you will find your strength and in time things will seem different. I also feel sick of 'wasting' my life and feel like I am such a different person now to how I was 4 1/2 years ago before we started this journey. I miss my old self, and like you said-look at myself in the mirror and feel like its someone else looking back. But we will get through this. I like to remember the phrase 'everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay, it's not the end'.
Take care of yourself.
Fx
Xxx


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## Sew it (Jul 30, 2013)

Hi sweetpea123, I know how you feel, our issues are unexplained and my husbands sperm is top notch, so therefore the issue  must lie with me (i think in my head).

Whenever I voice this to him, he gets really annoyed with me, he says he married me for me (like fx's oh said) and that this is a journey we are on together and it is no ones fault. I am sure your husband feels the same, you just need to believe this and believe him when he says it. You have no reason to feel guilty, you have done nothing to bring this on you, it is just the shi&ty hand that life has dealt you (and us all on these boards)

Maybe you should seek out some counselling to help you cope, this is hard enough journey without carrying guilt and worry that we don't need to.

Take care of yourself and most of all be kind to yourself xx


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## squirrel2010 (Nov 6, 2010)

Darling sweetpea,
I think there are many ladies who feel or have felt like you. Infertility bashes your self esteem like nothing else, and it can get so hard to believe in what should be second nature. My dh says he married me for me, and not my ovaries. Likewise, your dh loves you, and would still have chosen you regardless. I have tried to focus on the fact that if I had a different medical condition, I wouldnt hate or blame myself for it. So why do we do this for infertility? Which is a medical condition! You didnt ask for it, you dont deserve it, and please please do not punish yourself more by pushing away your dh, who obviously loves you and wants you! I feel I can give advice because I have done, and still do - exactly the same as you hon!! Good days and bad days, but my counsellor has helped so much. Let your body deal with the hormones and grief of the erpc, and let dh look after you. You deserve so much, as do all the lovely ladies on here. One of my best buddies on here told me something once which I need to keep reminding myself of : quote :

I never thought I was a bully, until I listened to the way I speak to myself. I think I owe myself an apology.

I have a constant battle with my issues of failure and letting dh down etc. it is so hard, but you can get through this. Huge hugs and lots of support and understanding coming your way, love Squirrel xx


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## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Thanks for your responses. It's a shame that we all have to go through this- heartbreaking.

Squirrel- that sentence made me cry- obviously struck a chord with me. I guess I do bully myself.

I have had counselling before may be I should go again. My dh does so much to reassure me but it never sinks in! I really need to give him more credit.

I hope we all find peace with our inner battles. Xx


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