# accepting no more babies and moving on



## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

hi
DH and I were going to have ICSI as he has 98% ASA. But, we were blessed with a natural pg the day before (yes, that close!) we went to hand payment over and collect our drugs. Emily is now 2 1/2.
we then TTC again and got another natural BFP but sadly MC   
We tried again and low and behold, despite our cons telling us it wouldn't happen again, we got another BFP   
Phoebe is now 6mth.
Anyway, we had a chat the other night and we have decided (well, dh has and I begrudgingly agrred with him) that we would not try for any more.   
I would love another one    be it by natural means or TX if required this time...which I had fully prep'd myself for each time TBH. 
DH says financially we can't have TX if needed and also if natural pg occurs we still can't really afford it as we r comfortable now but would struggle and have to work more hours if we had a 3rd...which defeats the object for me cos I want to spend as much time at home as poss with my LOs   
also, we only have a 3 bed house. As it is, emily will soon be going in to share with caitlin (step dd, age 10 3/4) and then phoebe will be in emily's old room. if we had a 3rd child they'd all be a bit crampoed, esp if it was a boy cos eventually he wouldn't want a girl in his room   
we'd need a bigger car - we have an estate at the mo but would need a bigger, more seater car. 
holidays would become really pricey....
I can see his points, clearly, and I understand them with my head but my heart wants another child. I can't bear looking at Phoebe and thinking this is the last time I will ever experience a little baby.....
but dh says I would think about it like that with every child I had...and I guess he is right. I know he is right about it all    wwhich is awful as I hate him being right   
So, I have spoken to some pg friends of friends of mine and they r due in july and aug....same as my 2 pgs were. I asked them if they would be interested in amy aby things for sale and they both are.
Great! gunna get some money for things....however, I really wasn't thinking they'd want to come round this weekend! I am not ready TBH but I dont wanna put them off cos I may end up losing my sales and it would be a shame then as I would like to know the people they r going to...even though I dont know them that well   
I am very attatched to my baby things...but I need to let go now.
I just know I will be in tears seeing them disappear with my girl's things, their clothes. the things my memories were made in. 
I will keep some things that have special memories, but I can't keep the crib (it's too big to just slide in a box under my bed) and I just see it and see my babies in it......
ahhhh. I am a soppy mare, a silly sausage aren't I

any tips on how NOT TO CRY when my things leave my house??


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## Elle74 (Apr 17, 2009)

See it as a long term loan. Tell yourself if you ever needed that stuff again, you could just buy/borrow it back. That's how I've managed... My head knows the same as you - but so does my heart. I can only get my head round it by thinking about how much I love my 2, and how I wouldn't want them to have to "share" my attention/time/love with more babies. 
Elle74


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Ah you're certainly not a silly nana for feeling this way.  Despite accepting ages ago that Ben was my one and only child, I still haven't been able to get rid of his cot/pram/car seat etc. There's always been some kind of excuse why not but reality is that I wasn't ready to let go of the idea that I might one day... well, you know.  

Now I am finally clearing all those things out. There's absolutely no chance now and I can't hold on to them forever and now, I am ready and I know I can do so without too many tears (but not entirely without some I am sure). 
If you're not ready, hold on to them, or tell your friends how you feel and maybe they can take them a different weekend or a slightly later date? 

C~x


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Caz   

Hbrodie, don't be silly - so many of us aren't really finished with babies yet, even though circumstances say we are.....  I don't think I like your DH being right either, but he probably is     I'm not sure when I'll stop wanting another, even though I've accepted I won't have one. 

I like Elle's idea - it's a long term loan, you could always have them back if you needed them.     

Don't lose your sales, it would be harder to dig things out again later and try to get rid of them.  If you have a willing taker, get it over with.  You have so many more wonderful stages to go through...... not the same as newborns, I know, but still exciting and amazing.  
 

Claire x


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

thanks guys, for all your ideas and understanding   
elle - I like your idea too


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

ooo Helen, I couldve written your post myself  

Dh has said ALL the things your dh has said, the car thing, the holiday thing, the cost thing, etc. 
I was also critically ill when pg with dd1 after full tx, then was lucky to have nat FET and escape the illness with dd2. If we were to be pg again, we'd need full tx and that would risk my life.    

Thing is, I still think about it every single day  

We will never be blessed with a natural bfp and would be barmy to attempt treatment again, but I really do often find myself trying to get round dh  

I sold my pram but have still got everything around the house to remind me of our tinsy bubs when they came home. Our moses basket is still on its stand in the corner of the bedroom  

I like the idea of the loan thing too. Dont see these things as the end of your dreams. You can still have dreams and hopes hunny and you dont need to rely on possessions to do that.  

Massive   

Mae.x


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## Chris F (Apr 3, 2005)

I could write that myself aswell, I still have two frozen embryos, I'm sure that if I didn't have any I would accept the fact that I would never have anymore, but I think we are going to have to make a final decision, also the fact that K was early I wouldn't want to go through that again.  I sold most of my stuff, still have a lot of clothes and bits and pieces but the big stuff has gone (apart from 3 pushchairs!!!).

My DH says exactly the same about holidays, cars etc, but I think for me Mrs CW has summed it up in a sentence when she said I'm not sure when I'll stop wanting another, even though I've accepted I won't have one - that's me!!!

I know that you will make the right decision on what to do with your things.

Chris


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## kellydallard (Nov 25, 2004)

Hello ladies

I could have wrote what any of you have already put to be honest. I dont think that yearning ever goes away.We are extremely lucky as we have 4 children. We were just starting to go for the basic fertility tests when we finally fell pregnant with Oli who is now nealry 10    we the started trying for another baby but with no joy for a very long time so we took the tests and found out we both had problems and we were just extremely lucky to conceive with Oli.

Long story short is we had 4 rounds of clomid,3 IUI's and 2 IVF's before we got a very much aaited BFP and were told it was twins at the first scan,then when the twins were 3 months old we found out we had caught naturally which when your told by several fertility specialists that theres no way we would conceive naturally was a shock but a vey welcomed one. So we now have Oli who is 9,Harry and Lilly who are 4 in May and Isabel who is 3 in May.

My yearning for a baby never goes away and I am forever broody and very envious of others with newborns,which really should be crazy seeing as I have 4 gorgeous kids.

I dont think that feeling of wanting to be pregnant and bring something so wonderfull into the world ever goes away    

Im glad im not alone in how I feel xxx

Kelly x


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

Thats what I think too-Im not sure if I had 10 more babies whether Id still feel ready to move on IYKWIM. I dont think Id ever be ready to say I dont want any more babies as I really couldnt imagine any better feeling than bringing a tiny gorgeous bundle into the world.


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Ladies I'm now going to move this to a board where you'll see plenty of others feel this way   

Claire x


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Hi

There comes a time when it makes sense to get rid of things, like it has for you now, it doesn't mean it doesn't make you sad.  That said, once they are gone, you no longer yearn for them back!  Your sad when they leave but it doesn't fill your every waking moment!

A year ago today I had my hysterectomy and I got rid of the last of my baby stuff last week, I now feel relieved.  I will no longer open a cupboard and be reduced to tears because there will be no more babies, I now open cupboards and find things that I will enjoy with my children, the children that I already have and will be forever grateful for.

Not sure my ramblings help at all, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Bev x


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Bev       Beautifully put    made me cry    

 

C x


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

bev, that was lovely.  

I did not cry or feel sad when I saw my baby things leaving the house last week...I am even looking forward now to the NCT NNS I am going to do in May


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Wasn't my intention to upset you, but I do sincerely hope it helps.

(((hugs)))


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## sjpale (Jan 6, 2007)

Hi,
I've not been on for a while, I had my Hysterectomy end of Jan 2010 and while it was the hardest desicion to make once i had it done i really feel it was the best thing to do for me. Now i feel i am spending quality time with my DS and not hoping/praying that we may get a miricle and have a second child. 

I guess what i am trying to say is that making the desicion (which ever desicion you have to make) was the hardest part but now i am getting on with my life and enjoying every moment of it with my DS & DH.

Don't know if this helps! i hope it does xx

Sarah x

Bev - Glad to hear you are doing well, don't know about you but it has gone so fast this past year


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

thanks ladies. It is true, once the decision is made and the selling of baby things begins it seems easier. and now when people ask if I am goign to have any more I can say 'no' and not well-up


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## caroline in Geneva (Sep 19, 2007)

Hi ladies - its nice to see these broody feelings are completely normal!  DH is so over wanting any more children.  DE was our only option to get a SIB for DS1 and that took thousands of euros and 4 tries, still the niggling hope for one more is always there.  I was kind of hoping the feeling would go away on its own but it hasn't yet.  I am over the feelings of jealousy when I see a pregnant lady though thank goodness.  It is very difficult and I think we are just hard wired to want to have children and reproduce, irregardless of age!

I have also started to get rid of my baby things I have kept for the the last 5 years, in a way it feels good but there is sadnees associated with it as well.  Just wanted to say I can relate to all your postsl!!!

  Caroline


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

hi caroline   
I am ok about no more kids but I still feel really....what's the word....upset, longing...jealous in a way...of pg ladies I see. there's a mum at my DD1 preschool and she has a little bump. I noticed today. I was soooo wanting to be like her, starting off with a little bump again...feeling it get bigger and the baby move. all the excitement, the scans etc. My zumba teacher is also pg and I look forward to hearing all about her experience each time I go to class (2xweekly) how odd cos 4yr ago I'd have hated hearing about it seeing as 3-4yr ago we couldn't have kids


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## caroline in Geneva (Sep 19, 2007)

hbrodie - I know I try to tell myself I am over it but deep inside I'm not.  I don't feel the pangs of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman but I feel so sad that I won't be able to experience it again.  I felt, with my last pregnancy, that I kind of missed the whole experience as he came 5 weeks early so I didn't get to experience the last month.  I wish I had taken the time, looking back now, and really tried to enjoy every moment being pregnant.

I think reading all the cycling forums make it more diificult as well, as others are cycling and I just wish it were me again.  Oh well, what to do but to try to come to terms with it.  I wish I could chat with DH but he doesn't even want to talk about it anymore so its nice to at least have a group who understands.
Thanks for listening   

Caroline


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## hbrodie (Aug 17, 2007)

well, my friend came last night and took the crib and baby bath and all the neutral baby clothes in newborn sixe. I felt a bit sad when she had gone, but I know they'll be well loved and well used by a lovely new little person in the world in a few weeks time.

caroline, I also feel sad I won;t be experiencing the pg things again. I will always miss feeling the movements, the tummy getting harder and bigger and rounder, and even the feeling of sickness and tiredness as they r normally horrid to feel but they were all for something so special that I didnt really mind


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

ladies x

Gawped at a friend's newborn the other day....... not felt so broody in ages   

Really want one, but kind of don't


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## caroline in Geneva (Sep 19, 2007)

hbrodie    I know the day I get rid of the cot I will be a total mess!  We don't even need it now as we are co-sleeping but I can't get rid of it just yet (he does use it for the occasional nap   .
I can so relate to the "really want one" but "don't" unfortunately the "really want" feelings are stronger than the "don't" at the mo!

Caroline


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Two pregnancy announcements in two days at work, another in the immediate family - no tears anymore just somber.

  to all who need them.


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I do know the feeling. I am a little older than most people posting here so the end of my childbearing years is due to age as well as just having completed my family. However pregnancy and birth are episodes of my life which I never really thought I'd see let alone see the end of them.

My children are complete miracles as was the fact that both my pregnancies were good and there were only a few complications. I have known so many others who have had very difficult pregnancies and a lot of sadness. I have been so absolutely lucky on many fronts that I do try and tell myself this whenever I feel pangs about never being pregnant again. I was so devastated when after DD my frosties cycle did not work. Having been blessed with that opportunity I probably realised what I had been missing and hated it when my NCT group announced their second pregnancies. 
I resigned myself to  not having any more until I was made redundant a few years later which gave me some time and also money for another fresh cycle. The rest as they say is history and my miracle twins were born in November 2009.

After DD was born I had one period then they all stopped and I had gone through the menopause slightly earlier than expected. My  mother was over 50 when she had hers and I was 46. After the twins I had my smear and the male GP advised me that my uterus was post menopausal and atrophied. He showed me the report. I was devastated at those choice of words that I could barely contain myself until I got home and burst into tears. My childrearing days in truth had in fact been over for many years, probably since my 30s however those words seemed really final. I really felt that the medical establishment hadn't a clue. How could anyone tell a woman she had an atrophied uterus for Gods sake.

I have been very lucky to be able to have my DE children and have realised that I should not really waste time on grieving a fertility that never really existed. What I had had however was a body who successfully carried three children with only minor issues much to the surprise of the hospital consultants. I remembered that I had had really awful heavy periods and hated them. Why should I miss all that I wondered. 

I have therefore come to my senses and realised that I have had what shouldn't have been possible and therefore I can't complain. It has however been very hard to give away the twins baby things that were DD's. We have kept a stash but its sad that we will never be cuddling a newborn again- unless of course we are lucky enough to live to see any grandchildren! It has been great but it has been hard and its nice to see them grow and develop their personalities. I think its hard for us all to move away from the conception and pregnancy focus( which has no doubt been a major preoccupation for most of us on FF) and to remember that there are still great things to come!

roze


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## caroline in Geneva (Sep 19, 2007)

Oh Roze what a beautiful post.  We also moved on to DE to have a SIB for DS who was miraculously conceived at 45. It took us three cycles to finally have a positive and I so wanted twins, even though I know how much work it is in the beginning (my sister conceived twins).  I feel truly blessed to have my two boys, would have been nice to have a bit of pink in the house however   
I know in my heart we are done but like you  feel so sad I will never have a little one again.  I hope also that we live to see grandchildren!
I went into menopause after this last cycle, still bf'ing as well, but OB says all the numbers point to the end of my fertility.  I guess its not only the fact that I can't have children but its a turning point in one's life to lose fertility, for me anyway.  I'm sure I will make peace with it slowly.
Congrats on your three miracles - DE is a wonderful option!

Caroline


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