# End of ttc own baby - what now?



## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Hello 
I can't believe im posting in this area    i have no idea what to say, so forgive me if this post is a bit all over the place, im going to just type and see where i get.


So i guess i should start at the beginning, i decided at the age of 20 i wanted to be a mum, so me and my ex husband began ttc, after a year of no success we went to the dr's and got referred to the local womens clinic, ex hub had his SA done, and i had all my tests done, hycosy, scan, bloods etc, the dr said he was going to refer us to a fertility clinic incase we needed ivf, but gave us 6 months of clomid and said he hoped we got pregnant before the appointment came through.
Of course the clomid failed, and we were diagnosed unexplained infertilty, which at the time i thought sounded better than there being an actual problem.
Time went on and we ended up going straight for ivf we were given 1 nhs funded cycle, which resulted in zero fertilisation! we were told this was probably happening in my natural cycle each month and is probably the reason why i wasnt getting pregnant naturally, again i thought, ok great, least we know now.
My next cycle was privately funded and we went for icsi, i was 100% sure this would be the one that gave us our baby, sadly not, it was a bfn.


A few years passed, and we decided to give it another go, but this time i wanted to try a new clinic, so i did an egg share cycle, and to my amazement i got a bfp!! omg seeing the word pregnant flash up before my eyes, made me feel so happy, it really was the best feeling i had ever felt in my life, finally i wqs going to be a mummy, i got to tell my parents they were going to be a nanna and grandad, i told my close friends, i'd had some bleeding, but my beta results showed an ongoing pregnancy, and the bleeding stopped, i had my 6 weeks scan, and there was no heartbeat, but that was ok because it was still very early, so i got booked in for the following week, 2 days before my scan i began bleeding heavily, and managed to get an emergency scan with the local epau, and i sat next to the labour ward waiting for my scan, the nurse arrived making apologies as she had been caught up with a lady giving birth!! she scanned me, and the room was so silent, then the words came ' im so sorry there is nothing there' i was having a miscarriage right next to ladies giving birth to babies!


The next few years my whole life changed, i split up with my ex husband, and met my now wife! 
She is the most amazing person, and we really were and still are so so happy, we always said we would give ivf a go, i said i would be prepared to do it one more time, as i felt i was meant to have children with her, and all the other stuff happened because i wasnt meant to have children with him.


I started dr for ivf in sept last year, we had a fabulous cycle, 9 eggs, 8 fertilised and 7 went to blast! we had 2 top grade blasts transferred, and 2 were good enough to freeze, we were both so happy with how it had all gone, so 2 days before otd, i began spotting, as always everyone tries to help and tell you its implantation bleeding, or that its common so dont worry about it, so i did remain calm, i did my test and goodness it was a bfp!!! we both sat and cried, it was just amazing, we got to tell our parents they were going to be grandparents, and everyone was so happy for us, the next day the bleeding got worse, so we nipped up to the clinic and i was given gestone to stop it, and i had a beta done, we were told we shouldnt worry too much about the bleeding, my scan was booked and off we went.
i had to go back a week later to check my progesterone levels as they had dropped, so while i was there i got another beta done, i was still bleeding, very lightly though, the beta came back and the nurse said 'im so sorry but you have miscarried, your no longer pregnant' oh wow again? really why cant i seem to stay pregnant?


We had our follow up, and after a long chat we decided to have my immunes checked before going for our final fet, and in january we found out i do have high NK cells!
i have been ttc now for 19 years, and its taken this long to get my diagnosis! but i was very happy, it gave me a reason why i had lost 2 babies, and gave me hope that with new meds our fet cycle would bring us our baby.


I was feeling fabulous, on the 5th of march my 2 perfect blasts were thawed, they both survived, one was hatching, and the other was already fully hatched, the embryologist said the half hatched one looked amazing, it was a top grade embryo, i had a pain free transfer, and came home smiling from ear to ear, know that in 9 months time i would be meeting this little embryo, our otd was mothers day, it was def a sign of something good, i skipped into the bathroom mothers day morning, pee'd on my stick, and was somshocked to see 'not pregnant' what? that cant be right, but this was only day 10, the dr did say try to wait 12 days, all is not lost, maybe the hcg isnt strong enough yet? so i retested on day 12, i felt a bit nervous, but it would be ok, again 'not pregnant' and by now i knew deep down, i didnt feel pregnant, i felt empty, so i called my clinic, and i was told to wait another 48 hours, just incase it was a late shower! omg i really could still be pregnant? ok fab, dw was convinced it was going to be good news, i pee'd on my final pee stick at 5.30 this morning, and those words 'not pregnant' appeared before my eyes, i knew i wasnt, but i did have a teeny glimmer of hope, it happens to other people so why not me? 


I made my way to work, which was my first day back for 2 weeks, i parked my car and just sat and cried and cried and cried, i managed to walk to the salon (im a hairdresser) and i just collapsed on our receptionist, i couldnt breathe, it was awful, i thought i was going to have a heart attack.
i didnt stay at work, i went straight to my mums, we had a cuddle and a chat, ive made myself a dr's appt and im seeing a councellor tomorrow, i feel i need a couple of weeks to get my head round everything, i feel like ive been kicked in the guts, this actually hurts, i feel so sad, i dont understand why this has happened to me? to us? that was my last attempt, and now i have to accept im not going to have my own baby, im never going to be pregnant, i wont know how it feels when a baby kicks, i wont experience labour, i wont have a house full of baby things, i wont get a baby shower, or maternity leave, i wont have a bump for people to rub, i feel like someones died today, i just dont know how im supposed to get over this? 
i feel like no one understands? people tell me they do, but they have kids, how can they know what its like? 


Im normally the strong person, the one who gives advice, everyone comes to me for advice, my friends, my work colleagues, ladies on here, thats why i enjoy being a mod here, i like givng support, but now i need some, i dont like it, it doesnt feel right, i know time heals, and i know oneday i will see why all this has happened, but i dont know how to cope with the inbetween bit of getting to that place? 


I always said i would consider adoption once my ttc bio baby has come to an end, and its far to soon to make any decisions regarding that, but i feel i need councelling for that too, im scared i'd be adopting for the wrong reasons, but is wanting to be a mummy so desperately wrong? 


This is all so horrible, and i feel dreadful, if anyone has any advice it would be greatly received, im sorry this post is so long, but i needed to just get it all out.


Thanks for reading
Poppy xx


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## patbaz (May 21, 2010)

Poppy huni  

I have no words but I didn't want to read and run. You're incredibly brave huni and I wish I could help you in some way.   

Take care 

Pat


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Big hugs to you, Poppy.      Infertility is a cruel, hard road. You are allowed to need support and you are allowed to grieve. Be kind to yourself and feel what you feel. It's OK to spend some time not being strong.  

Sending lots of good wishes out to you.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Oh Poppy   So many of us have been there, even had those very moments of breaking down at work. It's important to give yourself space to breathe and grieve. It's good you are seeking support and considering your options. I'm glad you have a lovely partner to get through this with. It will not always feel this bad. Xx


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Poppy, I don't have any advice or anything, but felt you deserved a hug after 19 years of trying      I hope you and your wife work out the best way forward for yourselves. Just a little note that popped into my head when reading your story, sorry if it's put of place or anything as I don't know much about surrogacy, donor sprerm etc but would it not be possible to use your eggs for IVF but for your wife to carry the child? Like I said, I don't know much about that sort of thing but I'm certain I've read on here about women doing that so both women are part of the pregnancy? Would that allow the embryo to get around your high NK cells? Sorry if I'm wrong, that's just something I thought of when reading your sad story. Xx


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Thankyou for your replies ladies


melissamummy, yes thats an option but not for us, my dw doesnt want to physically have children, she wants to be a mum, but not do the pregnancy birth bit! also, i dont want her to either, thats the bit i want to do, i think it would feel very strange if she was to be the birth mum, plus financially we just cant afford more tx.


I had my first councelling session today, i didnt know what to expect really, she was a nice lady, and it felt like we just sat and chatted, she said i am suffering from anxiety and bereavement, and i need to work on getting over not being able to have a biological child, she kept saying that i can still be a mum, all the things i had planned for my baby, i can still have and do, i just wont have given birth to the child, she is right, but like i said, right now i just feel so sad that i wont ever be pregnant, the pain inside wont go away, so we are going to work on emotions and feelings, im sure its going to be tough, but i need to feel better, so i guess its something ive got to go through, even the councellor said, i can see you have a lot of love to give a child,    everyone keeps telling me that, and what a fantastic mum i'd be, i wish someone would just say, 'give it up you'll be a terrible mum!!!   
I hate this feeling of not being able to breathe properly, its like i cant take a big deep breath, i can feel my heart racing, i know its the anxiety, but it just wont go away, i'll be glad to see the dr on mon. xxx


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Ah ok Poppy. Sounds like you had a good session, with an understanding woman. I hope you start to feel a bit happier soon xx


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Poppy - sorry to hear how you are feeling.  It is a hard decision to know when to stop.  Well done for going to the counselling and I hope you feel better for it.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Massive huge hugs for you Danni      

Before I say anything at all, I just have to say that what I really want to do is to give you a 'real' hug and then wave a wand that will change all this for you, it's just so wrong and so very unfair  

I totally get what you mean about wanting people to say 'give it up you'll be a terrible mum', but anyone who knows you would never say that as it's just not true, and that is why is so very hard to make sense of things, and also why it is even more cruel and unfair  

Infertility changes us and changes who we are in so many ways due to the massive part it plays in our lives (and over so many years for so many of us). How can it not when it means we have to come to terms with the fact that plans made as a young girl, (that at the time seem like a 'given') turn out to be so very hard to realise 
One thing that you must hold on to though (and not let it change) is who you are fundamentally as a person, and for you that is a wonderful, caring, funny, fun, crazy-bonkers (in the nicest possible way ), intelligent, determined, strong, and amazing woman, and you must never let it eat away at 'you' as a person.
You know that everything I'm saying I'm saying from experience, and as someone who has long ago made peace with the fact that I will never get pregnant or give birth.

I don't know why, but I have a nagging feeling that it's not the end of this particular road for you for some reason, call it 'witchy feelings', but it makes it harder to know what is the best thing to say to you  
That said, I will just say that although it's a long process, if and when you do decide that enough's enough it does slowly get easier and gradually becomes less 'all-consuming' until you reach a point of peace with it all.
I am very aware that everything I've said above will just sound like complete nonsense to you atm and totally impossible, but I just want you to know that whatever route you take, you wont always feel like you do at this moment, things will feel better 

Whichever decision you make, please know that I'll always be here for you. I know very well that you are not someone that normally asks for advice, so I appreciate how hard and alien this is for you.
Having walked in the same shoes as you (a lot of it with you), and for a similar amount of years, plus having gone on to completely make peace with it all, I hope you'll let me help in what ever way I can 

I'm thinking of you hun and sending lots of love to you both 

Angie x x x


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

Hi, I hope you don't mind me popping on  I've got a couple of thoughts, with your nk cells, I have a friend who has those, strangely enough she has had 3 children and had been having d/e which has failed 3 times, then had tests done and that's when she found out that sometime between her last child and now she has somehow got nk cells, her immune doctor said these can pop up at anytime, anyway long story short, she had another transfer which again didn't work, so he had to tweek her protocol with higher amounts, of clexane, prednisone and a change from intralipids to IVig and has now got an early successful pregnancy, sometimes you have to tweek your protocol to get the meds right. I understand the constraints of money being a problem as well but you still have time, have you thought of doing donor egg if it's going to take time to save, especially o/s, or even looking at donated embryos which are significantly cheaper. I hope you don't mind me throwing these ideas at you, I just don't think you can write yourself off being a mum yet


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Thankyou for your kind words girls


Angie, we have been through soooo much together, and i agree with all that your saying, i know oneday i will realise why all this has happened to me, and everything happens for a reason, its just so hard to take in, and i cant cope with feeling so low, its not me, and i hate it, but i dont want to bottle it up either, ive never really dealt with my 2 miscarriages, infact the one i had in nov i didnt even cry! so i am glad in a way its all coming out now, i just want to start feeling better.
Your not the first person to say about feeling its not over, im not really sure what it all means tbh, i got told by 3 clairvoyants last year that my next tx would work and i'd carry my baby to term, well thats a load of rubbish clearly! and these 3 people came to me, i didnt seek that information, i just dont get it really, im hoping some time away from work, and the councelling will get me back on the right path, and i can at least feel better within myself.
We have discussed adoption alot over the past few days, and ive told vicki i know exactly who im going to speak to about it when the times right for us, but for now, i need to concentrate on me xxxx


Stacey, thankyou for your post too hun, i totally agree with you, however there will def be no more tx, i cannot and will not ever put myself through fertility treatment ever again, even if we won the lottery, in all honesty if we really wanted to of course we could get the money, we could get a loan, credit card, remortgage our house, theres always a way isnt there, but i just cant do it, my body has been put through enough both physically and mentally, and you have to at some point say no more, and im at that point now, i need to work on getting myself well, and stronger. and start to put my IF journey behind me, and move onto the next chapter in my life. xxx


Ive had a pretty rubbish weekend feelings wise, i feel like i cant be bothered to speak, i know its bad, but i really dont want to talk, im having to force myself to get out of bed, we went to my mums for her birthday yesterday for lunch, and in the evening we popped round friends, as he was having birthday drinks, i very nearly cancelled, i felt so anxious as i hadnt seen anyone since all this, but i made myself go, and even though i sat on the sofa drinking coffee all night, im glad i went, i did manage to laugh a few times, i dont think my mates knew what to say, normally i burst into a room, i make a dancefloor where ever i go, music goes up, and thats it, everyone knows im there, but lastnight i hardly spoke, the sadness is just so overwhelming i cant force myself to pretend to be happy.
today was a slightly better day, we went to my inlaws for sunday lunch, again i hadnt seen them, so didnt want to go, but i did, and it was ok, we didnt really speak about anything, they both hugged me and i think that was enough really.
we booked some flights to sweden today, my friend is getting married there in aug, and we didnt think we would be going as i thought i'd be pg, but we can go, so its nice to have something to look forward to, and ive just had a msg inviting us to her hen weekend, so again ive got that to look forward to, hopefully i will be feeling much better then, im glad its not now, i couldnt cope with a wedding yet!


So i have a dr's appt tomorrow, feel a bit nervous, ive never gone to a dr about anything other than the usual sore throat and coughs!! i hope he listens to me., i just want a bit of time out from work, get my head together, also no signs of af yet, and im bloody dreading that! be grateful to be at home for that, although absolutely no signs of it at mo, nurse said 2-3 days its been 4 now, i guess it will show this week sometime.


Thanks again for your support xxx


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Best of luck for your doctor's appointment tomorrow sweetie. It's totally understandable to be a bit quiet and not feel like socialising, and it sounds like you've got amazing, supportive friends and family. It's also great you've got your friend's wedding to look forward to, small steps at a time    xx


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Thankyou gailgegirl, im already seeing a counsellor, i didnt bother to go through my gp, as i know from friends that theres always a good 6 week wait to get counselling, and i wanted to find someone who deals with babyloss, infertility, and adoption, and luckily enough ive found her, infact she works for barnados, so maybe when the time comes for us to take the adoption path, she will be able to help us, once im feeling stronger, and have accepted my fertility journey is over and i wont be pregnant or give birth, we will begin the adoption process, its something thats always been in the back of my mind, but i had to know 100% i wasnt going to have a biological child first, i need to focus 1000% on adoption with no little what if niggles, but dw and i have so much love to give a child, and we cant imagine a life without children in it, so we must endeavour to fullfil our dreams, just in a different way.
i know i sound pretty ok with things, and i know what i want, but honestly the anxiety is awful right now, and i just cant get over this last tx not working, i was so prepared for another mc, not that i would of wanted another one, but i hadnt prepared for a bfn, i know in time i will be ok.


I had my dr's appt today, she has signed me off work for a month, she said i need time out to grieve and get over things, she actually said to me, that i would make an amazing counsellor!!! she said that i seem to know why im feeling the way i do, and what i need to do to help myself, she was very impressed i had taken it upon myself to seek a counsellor, and she told me when im feeling better i must do a course!!! it did make me laugh, because ive always said i'd like to be a counsellor, to help people who have gone through what i have.
I was amazed she saw that in me though, seeing as i was a blubbering wreck when i went into her surgery!! 
she said i dont need medication, and she thinks i can get through this myself, with the help of my counsellor, and i totally agree, i dont feel bad enough to want to to go down the road of medication, ive taken enough meds in the last few months, i just want my body back!


I feel slightly better knowing i dont have to go to work for a bit, i couldnt cope with talking about this with clients, and its not really something i can ignore, everyone is going to ask me about it, hipefully in a month i will be able to say, 'no it didnt work, we are moving onto adoption in the not to distant future' without getting upset, i also feel like people shouldnt be going about their normal day to day stuff, i was in morrisons tonight, walking along with my trolley thinking to myself, im wandering round here, feeling the worst ive felt in my entire life, and no one knows, people are walking past me like nothing, i want to shout 'i cant have children'!! at the top of my voice, is that normal?  then i feel like crying when i get that feeling, its so horrible.


The dr told me not to just sit at home wallowing, so i have made a bit of a pact with myself, im starting my diet tomorrow, ive put on a heck of alot of weight during the last 2 tx's, so healthy eating from tomorrow, no bread, cakes or choclate! 
and im going to go out walking, so im off to buy a pair of trainers in the morning! i figured walking is free, i can stick my ipod on and off i go, i can take the dogs with me if i want to, or i can just walk the streets, i'd like to think i can start off with trying to do a mile a day, surely its going to help? its got to be better than sitting indoors doing nothing, i'd like o think i can lose a stone by the time i go back to work.
And im also going to give myself a daily job to do, tomorrow is clean kitchen and change the bed, do the washing, and i want to get all my curtains down and clean the windows this week, so im hopefully going to fill my time with being productive, i am not going to let myself get ill!! however if i feel like crying, or im having a bad day, i will allow myself to go with it, im not going to keep saying im ok when im not, done that for too long.


Thanks for listening girls, its really helping me to come on and just whittle on


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Poppy, I think you're doing great, and it's really good that you're able to take some time off work while you work through your grief and other emotions. I only took a week off (admittedly, I'm only doing part-time consulting) after my miscarriage, and I wish I'd taken at least two. You're going through grief just as surely as after a pregnancy loss, and you need that space to look after yourself.

Walking is my go-to exercise as well -- it's a great calorie burner, as you can do it for hours! After my m/c, I also made little lists of what I'd managed to do each day. It was usually small tasks, like doing a load of laundry, cleaning the hob, etc., but it made me feel less incapable.

Really and truly, I applaud you for experiencing and working through your emotions before turning your focus to adoption. It's one thing to jump right into planning another treatment cycle, but adoption is an entirely different ball game (something people who haven't experienced infertility rarely seem to understand!). Taking time to deal with your grief and to find the joy in yourself and your life again is the best possible thing you could do right now, both for yourself and for any little one who may eventually find a home with you.


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## Greyhoundgal (Oct 7, 2013)

Beautifully said Crazy 

Poppy - you're doing all the right things.....just give yourself time  

Grey x


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

no advice I'm afraid but from your story it sounds like you have really given it your absolute all

I hope you find some strength and contine on your journey to be a mum, albeit in a different way to the one you had hoped for

best wishes
K
XXX


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Thankyou again girls for your kind words


Ive had a fairly good day today, feels like the first time in ages ive felt a little bit of me coming back, i think because im actually helping myself to get stronger its working, im not allowing myself to fall into depression and sit indoors in my pyjamas all day, because believe me that is all i want to do really, but ive made myself go shopping again today, i went on tues and had a panic attack, it wasnt a bad one, but enough to make me want to lob my basket across the shop and run out, however i kept my composure, and got what i needed and left, today i was ok, i went to a supermarket a bit nearer to home, and although i felt a bit wobbly when i went in, after a couple of minutes i was fine, dw rang me half way round so that took my mind off things cos we chatted while i shopped!
the weather also makes you feel better doesnt it? ive had windows and doors open today, and cooked a lovely dinner, felt very motivated today.


My second counselling session went well, she really has helped me with my decision re adoption, she has made me realise that all my mummy dreams can still come true, just in a different way, it feels like a massive decision, and although we have discussed adoption many times, we always thought we would be adopting a sibling for a biological child, so its all coming about very differently to how i had planned, dw and i have agreed to wait the 6 months, before taking the plunge to apply, and in the mean time we can do lots of research.
right now i need to work on getting stringer, and i need to be at peace with never being pregnant and giving birth, i still cant accept that, well ive accepted it but i cant help but feel so sad about it, everything i had ever dreamed of, just feels like its been ripped away from me, i so hope i get given the chance to be a mummy oneday. xx


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## Greyhoundgal (Oct 7, 2013)

Poppy - you come over as such a strong and dignified lady - I admire your courage   Don't beat yourself up regarding the panic attack....you are doing everything you can and it's just one step and one day at a time  

Thinking of you  

Grey xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Just wanted to pop in with more hugs Danni 
I'm glad the counselling is going well and that you feel a little better about things.
There will be good and bad days I'm sure, but you are giving yourself time to heal and to reach a place where you can start to feel yourself again, and that's the most important thing.

You have such a sensible and healthy attitude to how you are approaching the prospect of possibly adopting in the future. One of the most important things (and a lot of people don't always understand or agree with this) is to feel completely healed and to have had time to fully grieve, along with reaching a place of peace with your decision to embark on the adoption process. 
You are so wise in all you've said in this regard and are already doing so many things that are advised by SW's before taking the first step after moving on from tx. Most authorities would expect the 6 months gap after tx (that you have already decided upon yourself) and some will expect a year, but I'm sure if and when the time comes they will be so impressed with all you will have done to prepare yourselves 

You may or may not go down this road but you have plenty of time to slowly make that decision whilst concentrating on getting 'you' better 
As you know I'm not a counsellor (although like you, it's something I've considered doing, and looked into various times), but adoption is a subject I've offered much advice on over the years and will do my best to help you in anyway I can 

Just something really random btw, (and I'm sure you are doing something similar anyway) but quite a few years back I went through a really hard time (not TTC/IF related) and I was very low and lost a sense of who I was for a while.
A trick that helped me on the bad days where I wasn't motivated to do anything was to do 5 useful jobs, no matter how small. It could be sorting through a small pile of paperwork, hoovering a room, sorting some clothes for charity, even painting my toenails, anything no matter how small, but work through 5 'to do' things. It just helped to break the cycle of sinking lower on that particular day as it made me feel productive and lifted my mood.
I know this has helped a few of my friends at various times, it just seems to 'reset' you a bit and can be a distraction from the destructive thoughts 
The other point was go out for a walk, even if it was just to the local shop or round the block, but I know you are doing that already.

You are doing amazingly and are so strong, I know you will get through this and so do you  

Lots of love and hugs,
Angie x x x x x


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Angie we are so similar its scarey!! im sure we are sisters!!!   
I have enforced the same rule as you, except i do 3 things a day, i do everything in 3's!! i have done something everyday this week, today i really couldnt be bothered to go out, but i did do a few bits indoors.


I have felt a bit fed up today, one of them moods where you just cant be bothered, im fed up of explaining how i feel to people who dont understand too, i know everyone means well, and i appreciate all the texts ive been getting from friends and work colleagues, but its so hard, i cant just say 'yeah im fine thanks' like i normally would, but then i have to go right into the whole 'no im not ok blah blah blah'!! 
My emotions are definately up and down, as i felt quite good yesterday, i guess i have to expect it to be like this for a while.


I had a college prospectus sent to me which i received today! i thought there was no harm in investigating the counselling course, at the moment it seems so far out of reach, its a 3 year course part time, i would have to go part time at work, so with the cut in pay, and having to fund the course myself, i actually cant afford to do it right now, i really hope oneday i can, as i would love to do it, but i think seeing it in black n white what it would cost etc, it has made me realise, that i need to concentrate on me, get myself in a good place, and continue my journey to motherhood, i just need to get on a slightly different path, which im not quite ready to do, i feel like im sitting on the kerb, and i need to just get up and walk right onto the next road to get where i need be.


Anyway for now im trying to look forward to a nice week next week, dw is off most of the week, and we have a few plans made, my diet is still going well, and to be quite honest i am feeling a little bit proud of myself for dealing with this and not sweeping it under the carpet.


I should go to bed really, seeing as we are losing an hour tonight! xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Danni,
Just checking in to see how you are? 
Thinking of you and sending lots of love  
Angie x x


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Hiya Ang
I am soooooo much beter thankyou, ive really turned a corner, i made last weeks counselling session my last one, she has helped me loads and i feel ive come as far as i can with it, its just time now that will heal me.
i have accepted im not going to be pregnant, but i am going to be a mum, we will definately be applying to adopt, i want a couple of months of not even really thinking about baby things, then like i saidbefore, in 6 months, we will start the ball rolling.
I am going to be asking you hundreds of questions when the time comes.
I feel like ive closed a fair few doors and have put myself back on the right track, there is another door for me to open when im ready.
Ive lost half a stone on my diet, and feeling better, ive got another week left off work, and im going to just enjoy it.
Thankyou for your support, and to everyone who has posted on this thread


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better about things and that the counselling has helped 

Well done you for the weight loss!!  
I think that helps with a lot of things psychologically as it's something you _can _ control 
Myself and DH recently lost approximately a stone and a half each (but have put a bit back on over past few weeks )
Still about a stone lost though so we just have to get back on the wagon and get our discipline back, before we undo the lot 
It's amazing though how our weight loss made us feel much better about a lot of other unrelated things and more able to cope with other 'stuff' we are dealing with. I just think along with the obvious benefits of feeling better physically, it also helps with the general 'state of mind' too 

It looks like lovely weather is on the cards for your last week off, I hope you enjoy some restful time with dw before you're back to work. 

I think you are very sensible taking some time out for the two of you before embarking on the next part of your journey to be a Mummy 
You know where I am, and I don't mind how many hundreds of questions you ask, feel free to fire away when the time comes 

Love Angie x x x


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Wow i have just sat and re read this whole thread, what a difference a year makes.
I felt compelled to post an ending to this, particularly for anyone who may stumble across this post and read it.
I felt like i was reading about a completely different person! reading my description of my feelings did bring it all back, and i cant believe this time last year, i was sat here feeling like that.
Today i feel wonderful, i cant have children naturally and i wont ever be pregnant, but thats ok with me, everything happens for a reason, i wont ever forget what i went through with my fertility journey, but the door has been firmly closed on that part of my life, i have dealt with the grief and the losses and i have moved on.
Dw and i have just completed stage 1 of the adoption process, and we are hoping and praying we are accepted onto stage 2.
I wont ever give up my fight to become a mummy, the journey continues ......


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Well done. It is great to read your update.  Good luck with the adoption.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

I am glad, Poppy


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Danni 

I'm not 'actively' here much these days but I do log on regularly just to check for messages etc.
I'm so pleased you've made peace with the path life has chosen for you . 
As you know, I've travelled a similar path myself so I know first hand how long a journey it is.

I've said this before many times but, even if I could, I wouldn't change a single thing, as we were meant to be Mummy and Daddy to our little munchkins. The day we met our little man, it all fell into place and made total sense. 

I can't wait for the day you finally meet your lo/lo's, and have that same special moment that you will remember forever .

Lots of love Angie x x x


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

I don't come on here much at all anymore as my fertility journey is well and truly complete, but this was a lovely update to see when I logged in tonight. You will get your dream in the end   xxx


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

Once again i felt compelled to update this post for the purpose of anyone who stumbles across it, you will see that page 1 is full of sadness, anxiety, and someone who doesnt even sound like me, its so hard to believe i was feeling so awful, its amazing what you can get yourself through with the support of wonderful family, friends, and FF.


So heres my update - I'm going to be a mummy!!!!!!!   
we got approved at adoption panel on tues 1st nov, and i think i might just be one of the happiest people alive right now! im struggling to believe its real, but it is and wow what a feeling.


It has taken me 20 years to be able to say those words, i have been crushed emotionally and physically, but there was no way i was ever going to give up my fight to become somebodys mummy, i would of died trying!
Everything i have been through all makes total sense to me now, and i am just so excited to meet my son or daughter, this 'mum to be' is sooooo ready!   


I hope my story can give a little bit of hope to someone else going through similar struggles, never ever give up, if it can happen for me it can happen for anyone, dreams really do come true!   


poppy xxx


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Congratulations  on your  news.


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