# Please help. Crazy infertility road.



## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Hello.

I have not started my infertility treatment yet because I still need to lose weight. I am about 180 pounds. I don't know what that is in the UK measurements...I am getting close to starting treatment. I feel like I am going on an emotional roller coaster ride. When I started searching for clinics over a year ago here in the United States I thought that things were complicated but would to a point easy...I was sadly mistaken. At first I thought I would be able to coordinate my treatment but as time went on I knew that it would be better for me to get treatment at one clinic, specifically the clinic I visited at London. I knew that even though it wasn't perfect the clinic suited me because the sperm bank, the counselor (therapist), doctor was in one place and I felt better about the rules and regulations in the United Kingdom then here in the United States. I thought I would be able to take a personal leave of absence from work and be able to get my treatment in London full time for about 6 months. 

I didn't expect that I would have that much difficulty with my supervisor. I did not expect that I would not be able to get a personal leave of absence from work. I didn't expect that I would have to find a new job because the work environment is not a very good one. I did not expect that now I would have to use a personal medical leave to obtain treatment. I did not expect that my family practioner (doctor) to be frustrated at me because she is concerned that I am having to deal with a host of problems like being single, depressed, etc. at the same time. I didn't expect that she would try to talk me out of fertility treatment or at least I think she is trying to talk me out of it. I didn't expect that I wouldn't be able to get an answer about visa requirements to the United Kingdom regarding fertility treatments. With all these problems I thought I would be able to let go of getting treatment in London but I can't because I just know that for me to get treatment in the UK is right for me.

Now I am back to trying to figure out if I could coordinate infertility treatments with my clinic here in the United States and the clinic in London. For example, I would do the initial scans and tests in the United States but do the actual egg retrievals and placement for IVF treatment in London. I don't know if it is even feasible to coordinate between two clinics that are an ocean, a whole continent (spelling? sorry very bad speller) and 8 hours apart.  I don't know if the UK Border Agency is going to have an issue if I am able to coordinate between the clinics, meaning that I believe I have to get a visa if get private medical treatmen in the UK but I don't know if this even applies if I am in the UK for 7 to 10 days.  I don't even know how leaving to get treatment in London will affect my personal medical leave usage with my job. I feel frustrated because I know the right place for me to actually do treatment is in London but as hard as I am trying I can't seem to get there. 

I just wish I knew how to do this...I don't want to break any rules or create problems...I just want to be able to do what I feel is right but as hard as I am trying to readjust my plans..... I feel like a contortionist. No matter which way I try to figure something out, I can't seem to plan this right with the practical aspects of my life. I know what I am trying to do is absolutely crazy but I need help to try to resolve this. I just feel like I need a miracle right now because I want this baby....or at least to try to have this baby where I feel it is right. I don't want to regret my life and if I don't do this I know I will. Am I crazy to believe that I wasn't born to regret my life......

Please help....thoughts.....


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello and welcome  - you've really been through the mill.  Which clinic are you using in the UK??
There's a few of us on this site that use a clinic in Czech   - Reprofit and have been very happy with the treamtent received - also a lot of ladies from the states use this clinic too....Their experiences are under the Cezch Republic forum.  It might be an idea to talk to them too to see how they juggle things between countries... Good luck and sorry couldn't be much help - I'm sure the others will be along soon to offer advice.
Czech aren't so stringent on weight either - so that's less pressure for you if that is a concern.
Take care mini x x x


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

I know it's very difficult to coordinate work and fertility treatment abroad. I live in Hong Kong, where single women, unmarried couples and lesbians cannot receive any fertility treatment, and therefore must travel very far for IVF or IUI. 
I had to cancel my initial plan to go to Reprofit in December, because of work commitments. It was really tough, especially because at my age any time wasted waiting could mean higher FSH.

You don't need to tell anybody the reason why you enter Britain. You could be there for tourism. If the clinic is OK with it, then there should be any problem.
You need to take one thing at a time, otherwise it can be overwhelming.
Deal with a fertility specialist in the US, it helps if you have a doctor to follow your case there. If s/he is not sympathetic, look for somebody else. Then book flights, accommodation and the clinic in  London, they can send you a prescription for drugs, which you start taking in the US, when the time is right, you board a plane to London.

Good luck, 
hugs, 
Laura


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi there,

Gosh, you do have a lot to think about - no wonder you are feeling a bit overwhelmed. Sending you a big 

You've had some great advice from the other girls already. As Rose says, pls do not let your GP put you off - I've also encountered a lot of negativity from my local doctor (I live in a small and rather conservative village and being single and having fertility tx is very much frowned upon) - but I'm also of the opinion that that is the doctor's problem and not mine. If it becomes a real issue, just change doctors.....
You don't mention your family or friends in your post. Do you have their support? It's always good to have one or two people who back you 100% so that when you're feeling a little low, or stuck on a particular issue, you can talk it through with them. And now you've found us, you've got a whole load of people who are in a similar situation who can help out. I don't think we have any single US ladies here - so we may not be able to help with the logistics, but we can certainly help - and empathise - with the roller coaster of emotions 

Although you do sound very set on the idea of tx in London, do check out the Czech Republic (no pun intended!) - many of us are using Reprofit in Brno and they really are excellent. Although it's fair to say that because English is not their first language, sometimes the communication via email can be a bit of a challenge and if you have not had any IVF tx before, you may find it a bit daunting. I know several of the US ladies going there use a co-ordinator in the US (I think it's someone called Mag at IVF Alternative but I may have that wrong - if you pop over to the Czech boards and post re this they will give you the details) - she organises everything - of course there is an additional fee involved but that takes away any concerns over travel, visas etc etc. Might be something to consider?

Re the UK visa situation - I am not an immigration expert but surely you don't need to even raise the issue of having fertility tx? Can you not simply come in on a tourist visa for a couple of weeks? As long as you have sufficient funds to pay for your stay, hotel accommodation booked and a return ticket, I can't see that it would be a problem. Or is there some sort of special visa you need because you are having medical treatment?

Technically it should be possible to co-ordinate between clinics. We do it with Czech - drugs and scans here, then fly over for egg collection and transfer. The distance is shorter and we have no visa issues because it's all part of the European Community - but in principle it can be done. And now I think about it, if the US ladies can travel to Czech for tx, you must also be able to travel to the UK
Do pop over to http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=347.0 and post there to see if some of the helpful US ladies can point you in the right direction on all this

Wishing you the very best of luck. As we've all discovered, this journey requires endless amounts of persistence, patience and the ability to bounce back in the face of some very difficult situations - but as all the mums on here would tell you, it's worth it in the end, so hang on in there, you'll find a way

Take care, 
Suitcase
x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Wishing....just happen to be in Brno at the moment and sat with American girl....have met a number of Americans who have used  www.myIVFalternative.com as a way of getting everything organised for overseas treatment....might be worth a look!  

Glad you found us! 

...Winky


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

welcome wishing...not sure I can give you any useful advice, but hello! hope you get some answers soon and can start moving ahead.

xx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Wishing, welcome!  I have nothing to add to all the thoughtful points already posted, but hope that you take strength from the community of women that regularly post on this site.

A-Mx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

welcome to the thread- it must be possible to co-ordianate between the 2 countries as there are UK women who go to USA for treatment some make them come to the US clinic for an assessment and then cycle eg: Shady Grove, and all over the world.  I am not sure where you are in the USA, Barbados is getting very popular with UK clients but many US clients and the go over for 2 weeks, there are also ladies in the USA who are cycling at Reprofit.

Donor sperm is different here, in that in the USA you get much more info and can choose your own sperm donors, have photos etc we have had shortages as the laws changed here in 2005 and sperm donors need to have their ID released if wanted by the child when they are 18 yrs old, also UK sperm donors are not paid (unlike the US) and we cannot use sperm/eggs that have been bought.  Crazy...as the sperm donor numbers dropped off.

Good Luck I would email the clinic and have a  phone consultation and send them your blood results etc


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Wishing, welcome to the group  . I'm afraid I can't add anything to the good info and advice that you have already received. Good luck with your journey  

Lou-Ann x


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I guess I was feeling crazy because I feel alone in the whole process. Being in my late 30's dealing with PCOS and everything else...I just was expecting something very different for my life but things didn't turn out the way I hoped. Hopefully the therapist I am seeing as of last week will help me resolve some of things I am going through and help reduce the stress. Hopefully things will work out the way they are suppose to with the clinic in London. They are friendly there even though it is a bit expensive but the clinic's IVF treatment seems cheaper than here in the United States. Definitely will be finding things out before I do a return consult with the clinic in the UK with my doctor here in the States. I just wish I didn't  have to coordinate but I really liked the idea of getting my treatments in the UK because of the rules and regulations. I know that sounds weird but I feel like it makes me answer the hard questions like why are you doing this, what are you going to do to support your child. I suppose every parent ask those types of questions but it seems like a requirement for the UK (the welfare of the child form) before you get treatment. It just helped me try to evaluate things better even though I may not have all the answers. I guess I also liked the idea that there is a back up of information in case my child wants to know things and the clinic is no longer around to answer him/her.  Also I had my heart set in the UK in doing my treatments because I really did want a British donor instead of an American donor. It just seems like all of you have been born with a friendly gene which American's don't seem to have. Sounds silly I guess.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Girls I thought that the welfare of the child form had gone now in the UK, but it is a year since I last cycled in the UK.  
I may be wrong
L x


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

Wishingforanangel,
I too wonder why they ask single women who use infertility clinics a lot more question than they would to women who conceive naturally.
I live in HK where single women have no access to fertility treatments, and yet if i didn't suffer from infertility, i could pick up a random man and have unprotected sex on my ovulation day, and nobody would bat an eyelid. By doing that i would put myself and my child at risk of contracting HIV and other transmittable diseases,  and yet some morons in the government think that this is preferable to having women use sperm donors who have been screened and vetted by clinics. Unbelievable.

Unplanned pregnancies are more common than planned ones, and children's mothers come in all shapes.
So, as long as you are healthy enough to carry a baby, and energetic enough to be a mum, your weight shouldn't matter. I ran a 10 K race this year, and i saw women twice my size running faster than me


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I find it intersting that some people called it INFERTILITY and others FERTILITY  - INFETILITY seesm to focus on the nagative,  whereas we are fertility friends etc.  A bit like it is a faux pas in nursing to refer to continence nurses as incontinence nurses to direct patients onto the positive and not the negative aspects!  Just an observation

L x


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Laurainhk,

I have no idea why all the questions from the infertility clinics in the UK in regards to the welfare of child. It is kind of hard for me to understand because one could have the most ideal situation and hurting their child, where as one like me and others who have the worst possible situation and raise a perfectly healthy child (although my child doesn't exist yet). Probably why I was so worried that the LWC would tell me that they wouldn't help me. For me though, the questions did help in the sense that I don't have a back up, like a spouse or significant other to bounce uncertains off of. My friends and the people around me are supportive but don't really understand or just wouldn't understand at all. 

JJ1, 

For the child welfare form...I was asked to fill it out in late 2008 when I went for my initial consultation appointment, so I guess the child welfare form is still a requirement. I don't know if that helps you in any way but if it does I am glad to help.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Thanks WFA- I haven't cycled in the UK since transferring to Spain as a 'couple' last June and no Welfare forms to complete
L x


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## carnivaldiva (Feb 9, 2009)

I've had 2 lots of IVF at LWC and plan on having my next one there.

When I originally went to them in Summer 07, they did a scan, I had my consultation with the Dr an I also had to see a counselor to make sure I was sane.  At the time I had my own named donor (he actually approached me, before I'd told anyone that I was going down the road of IVF).  They also told me I had to get my BMI to below 30 
The counselor seemed quite fixated on the fact that my donor was white and I'm black andhow wold th child cope.  That kind of took me aback, as I have several mixed race nephews and nieces s 2 of my bothers are married to white women.  Also my donor already has a mixed race son and even my background is mixed up as my paternal grandmother was Indian.

Anyway, my donor and I had a huge falling out.  Or rather his new girlfriend, who happened to me a friend of mine since school days, wasn't happy with the situation.  So me being me, decided on going down the road of unknown donor and he completely went of the handle.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling (quiet day at work and can't motivate myself to get on and work).  Anyone who uses a known donor has to make sure they trust them and that things are sorted out legally.  I knew I was in problems when my male donor started to poke his nose into who I was and wasn't seeing and trying to tell me on how many kids I should have.

There's nothing wrong in going alone.  At least we're not shagging around (sorry for lowering the tone) with Tom, Dick and Henry.  We're being sensible adults and we're committed in being good mothers.


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