# Im 29 partner is 65 - anyone in the same boat?



## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

My partner understandably has concerns about trying to be a parent again because of his age.

Is anyone else in a simillar situation? How did it work out? 

xxx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Male advice would be appreciated. Worried I am being selfish and putting my partner through this and he really doesnt need it at his time of life.

Anyone in simillar circumstances?

x


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## Gwendy (Apr 24, 2007)

Hey Serene, 

I'm 44 and Dh 40 so not similar situation but just wanted to wish you both the very best of luck. Never cycled at GCRM but attended a scan there two wks ago  prior to Tx in Barcelona. Staff are lovely and will take good care of you

All the very best


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks ever so much huni xxx


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## hickson (May 1, 2006)

Hi

My dad was 54 when I was born, and couldnt have wished for a better father.. so go for it. Wishing you all the luck in the world 

H X


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi 

Im not male but I know what my husband would say... he would say that you have to do what feels right for you.  if your partner is keen to start a family with you then why are you being unfair to him? It will probably make him feel younger!  The only thing you will need to consider is that any children you may have with him will be of a younger age when he dies(sorry to be blunt but something you may to think about).  He may live till hes 95 anyway!

Do what is right for both of you and live for the moment.

Good Luck
xx


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## ULTRA (Nov 8, 2005)

Hi,

we became parents at 46 and 50 (DP 2nd time around after vasectomy reversal after 8 years and 3 ICSI)). Finds it a better experience now with our twins than with his older children as then not so hands on as 1st wife would not want him involved. My 1st husband was 20 years older than me and 1/2 heartedy said he would not mind becoming a dad to please me but I'm now glad it did not work out. We still are friends and he loves my twins to bits. We see him twice a week but after 2 hours he is exhausted physically after playing with them in the garden or in his workshop and gets short tempered with them.

If you have enough energy for the both of you and your DP is physically fit and in good shape, good luck, if not I would rather enjoy your love in a twosome.


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

This is interesting because I was also in a similar situation. Like braxma my partner was in his early 60's when I needed to get on with trying to have a child. He would have fathered a child for me...aside from the other relationship issues we had, the big deciding factors to not have a child with him, were the health risks presented to my baby. 
In the end, I went down the donor sperm route with a 20 year old man, and I'm now very lucky have a healthy baby girl. 
It was a very difficult decision to make but I know I did the right thing. The risks of schizophrenia and autism in a child fathered by an older man(over 40) are measurable and significant. The added risk of me being an older mother made me feel like I was really rolling the dice. After a lot of sleepless nights, anxiety and heartache, I feel that I made the right decision. 
Sending you lots of      
xxA


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

This may be useful information. I must admit the blog does come from a perspective of caution but for me these were the issues I couldn't ignore. http://how-old-is-too-old.blogspot.com/2008/02/sperm-facts.html

When it comes to the matters of the heart though, decisions that should be cut and dry, become much more complicated! 
Serene, what did the GCRM say to you? Have they assessed your partners sperm? I cycled at the GCRM under Dr. Gaudoin and felt I could trust his perspective.

xxA

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi serene - just to say my DH is 20 years older than me - we are now 39 and 59. We did have lots of discussions about the age thing and TTC, but he now wouldn't have it any other way.

KA xxx

Ps sorry for gatecrashing the men's room!


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Ps noticed from your profile you are only giving it one go - we said that and then decided three gos - eventually 5th time lucky for us


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Think I may have to resign myself to not being a mother. I wanted his child and wouldnt have used a donor. Thanks for your replies, much love xxxx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks girlies xxx Just had a reply about what a mistak im making because of the risks of defects as partner is 65 - seems the risks are heavy, now tryinggggg to resign myself to not being a mother xxxx Thanks tho! xxx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry to hear that ..... but have you spoken to your doctor or clinic? Could they test the sperm for any defects? Also have you thought about donor sperm?

There is always a way!
xx
Good luck
xx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

wouldnt want a donor - rather upset but im alone with this one xx he wasnt driven for it but wud have went along with it, apt in a week to discuss but i know what they will say and he will then no go along with it because of the risks... No idea who i am anymore or what im about xxxx thanks chicken


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

God that must be a hard one for you to deal with.... but wait and see what the doctor says first because you never know...
How long have you guys been together?  Maybe some counselling would help you? My heart goes out to you hun and let me know how you get on next week ok?
xxx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks love, ill let u know ... been together nearly 2 years... he was going along with it for me - he has 2 adult boys xxxxtotally lost here


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi serene - lots of older men have babies. Could you get a second opinion? We were told that usually when a man has had children before the chances of success are higher. 

You could check out the ARGC - I was treated there and also know that is where Rod Stewart & Penny Lancaster had their treatment.

KA xxx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

will have apt next week and see - i have a heart complaint too... seriously distressed right now xx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Oh hun, keep strong if you can.Sending lots of and  

xxxxxxxx


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Serene - stay strong and do not give up on your dream. You need to go to your appointment and get the facts from them. I have read a lot about fertility and the age of the male has a lot less to do with it than your age. There is also no reason to assume that your heart condition will effect things either. Remember - google is not your friend at these times and a little surfing can cause more harm than good.

Please keep us updated

KA xxx


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

PS meant to say that although sperm quality does diminish with age if you are going down the IVF route they will probably recommend ICSI - they will select the best quality most motile sperm to fertilise your embryos


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

yes it is icsi i believe but it was a hard hitting response on here i got - shocked me a bit - isk of autism, Schizophrenia etc .... scared me - she said something like, Why would i dare consider it etc etc


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## Ella72 (Aug 19, 2011)

Hi Serene

I am 39 and my DP is 69. I am not worried about his side of things causing an abnormality; none of the numerous consultants I have seen (at 92 Harley St, ARGC, Zita West) nor embryologists have been overly concerned about this nor can I find much evidence in my own research. We will need ICSI though.

The big challenge for us was that I very much want a child and he wasn't that keen. We had to work through that, because we are mad about each other, but I couldn't have stayed with him had he not agreed to try for a child. We are now giving it our best shot, so to speak!

Do your own research, speak to lots of different people, and take time to balance different points of view before letting anyone tell you not to try.

Good luck

Ella


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

awwww thanks huni - that is very uplifting!!!!! feel a tad better xxx


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Serene - I know I replied to you on the other thread too. Please don't assume the worst when you read statistics quoted by others. Especially when they are presented without proper explanation. You need to weigh up the risks yourself and not be coloured by other people's take on them.

The research study into schizophrenia showed that there is a 1% risk for a father who is 29 years old and a 3% risk for a father who is over 55. That means 97% do not have it and anyone younger could still have a risk too. in fact the Dr who led the study was quoted as saying older men should not be put off having children as it was a relatively low risk.

Please go to your appointment at GCRM and talk to some experts - like I said before a little bit of knowledge and 
searching Google can have you thinking the worst.

KA xxx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Many Thanks sweetheart xxx Ill update u next week MWAH XXX


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Serene,

I did read some of the replies to you on your other thread and they did sound a bit harsh.  I understand that everyone has their own experiences and that is fine, but I would seriously talk to the experts first and then make a decision. 

Don't feel selfish though, my DH was happy to not have kids and only went with the IVF because I wanted it.  He is a great Dad and wouldn't be without our son now, of course he is younger, but look at celebrities?  OK, I know they have Nannies to help, but Rod Stewarts young kids look pretty healthy to me?

Good luck with your appointment and only after it then sit down with your DH and make a decision.

Stacey
x


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

much appreciated chicken - thanks ever so much xxx much love to u xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

remember CHarlie Chaplin was in his 80's when he fathered a child.  

If your DP is seriously committed to being a parent in his latter years, has the energy and strength to do it again then go ahead.  If he is committed to being a parent again why are you only giving yourself one chance? or is finance the driver?

Would you consider adoption if you are against DS, as then you would both be equal parents as well and the age of the youngest parent is taken into account?

L


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

building a house, economic problems, im outta work, money decreasing.... shame its down to economics but that is the truth - i dont want to end up neurotic about it, never knowing when to give up xxxx

time isnt on our side either, wud not want my partner to be any older and its his baby i yearn for. thats why i wudnt consider a donor or adoption xxxcan only try and pray it works... like all of us eh?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Serene  I'm sorry you had a rather negative response elsewhere. I think it shows how mature and responsible you are that you are prepared to question whether you are doing the right thing here. What a fab mummy you'll make!

For what it's worth - and my own personal experience of an age gap relationship - my DH becoming a father again at 56 while I was 35. We started ttc when I was 25 so, at the time it seemed not so bad (45/46 is hardly old to be a dad again nowadays). It was, quite frankly, the best thing that ever happened to us. My little boy is perfect in every way and the joy he brought to us is indescribable. I can still remember the look on DH's face when he held him one day, welled up and declared he adored his little man. And he did it for me because I think, he really would have been happy had we not had a child together. Before we had him, of course.  I am so very grateful for taking the plunge and bringing that joy into our lives.

There are risks with everything we do; yes, there's a chance you might have a child with health issues (but that goes for _any_ pregnancy/baby and, honestly, do you think you would love your child less if her were not completely perfect? Of course you wouldn't) and yes, there odds are slightly higher the older you are, and yes, having ICSI also puts you at higher risk of blah blah blah... yes, your child could end up losing his father earlier than most... this I know well because it happened to me - my DH died suddenly in 2020 when our little boy was 3. He'd barely turned 60 and, by rights, should have had at least another 10 years if not more but fate had other ideas. As distressing as it sometimes is to know he's not going to get to do all those daddy/son things with him, when I look at the time we had as a family and the joy we shared, I can honestly say even if I'd known how this would go, I would not change a thing. I still would have had my baby boy. I'd've just bought the lego sooner. 

If your heart says do it - and if DH is prepared and willing to go on this journey with you - then follow your heart and your dreams, and I hope your reward be the joy and happiness your child together, created by your love (despite medical intervention!) will bring.

C~x


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

What a very touching reply - I really appreciate that lovie - I lost a partner yearsssssssssssss ago and he was only 27 - none of us are guaranteed our next breath and i totally agree with u - Have apt on the 12th actually, so hopefully will clarify alot of this - Im scared it will put DP off but we will see - Im so sorry for ur loss chicken. But u are so right about all of that - I nearly died as a baby having had a heart complaint - The first baby ever born in northern ireland with it - So I understand defects can happen in even normal pregnancies - I will only give this one shot tho as we can not afford several... Economics rather grim right now... Defo think Id live to regret never having tried xxxxxxxxxxxx

One reply was a bit hard hitting and I think I was a tad shocked perhaps... 

None of us know!!!!! xxxxxxxxxx Much Love to u!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

hear hear. i totally second that. Caz has said it all.
Dreams do come true

xxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I just wanted to say that using a donor is not the end of the world - my baby is donor sperm conceived as my DH is found to be completely infertile in his 40s after fathering a child in his late twenties.

My little boy is the most adorable little chap and I am so grateful to the donor for making him possible. The donor issue is in the background and we will be telling him one day but it is not there all the time. When you have a wonderful child to look after the genes are secondary.

In addition to anonymous donation wth or without ID release depending on the country of treatment, you can also consider known donors or family members for a genetic connection. Would your DH's sons be an option to approach? It can be very complex and counselling would be required, but worth a thought if the avenue is blocked for DH for whatever reason.


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

i totally undestand but its his baby i want xxx i think having a donor as an aption is absoluetly amazing - i love how far science has come to help all but i couldnt opt for a donor. I have a huge dislike of his ex wife and using his sons sperm would not work for me as I want no connetion with that woman - she dam near destroyed my partner xxx i think thats fabulous how things have worked out for u xxxx so happy for u - hope my dreams come true xxxxxxx


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## Ella72 (Aug 19, 2011)

Serene

Have you had a semen analysis done? If he's had a vasectomy my understanding is that they have to remove the semen surgically but it's a common enough procedure. The real question is the health of the sperm. I would not draw any conclusions until you have had that tested. Even if the sperm is not 100%, there is a lot they can do with ICSI.

x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

I wasn't going to respond to this but it's been troubling me, largely because I've seen how upsetting this has been to the OP.



braxma14 said:


> I would think twice about it. It is a difficult decision. The most serious consequences can be is schizophrenia (the odds are like 4 out 100, if I am not mistaken) if it a boy


The problem with statistics is that it's possible to put any kind of spin on them you want to suit your argument. 
Take this link: http://www.schizophrenia.com/prevention/older.htm

Essentially what this says is that if you look at it one way, you have a 3% chance of your child developing schizophrenia in later life (assuming there's no other familiar history of course and then you have to weight up the risks somewhat differently. ) Another way 97% of babies born from older fathers are perfectly fine. Now I'm not suggesting there's not a risk with older sperm as there is with older eggs, and it's certainly something you weigh up as _part_ of the issue but it's not something that should be absolutely your deciding factor. Any and all pregnancies come with the risk that your child might not be perfect; for physical things this is visible but mental I suppose not, and nor can it really be tested for in advance. But ask yourself, will you love your child any less if he or she is not completely perfect? I think not.
Please don't think I am dismissing the impact of mental health issues here; I grew up with a schizophrenic uncle and know first hand how much impact it can have on the lives of those around the sufferer, but it didn't stop his children having kids because they have a 1 in 10 risk and their kids a 1 in 20 of developing it. And I suppose, my DS's culminative risk is probably fairly significant all things considered but then his risk of cancer and heart disease is significantly raised due to family factors too. I can only hope to live a life with him that reduces his risks of these things as much as possible.



> The sperm of 65 year old man has serious problems and babies born to older men carry a higher risk of having genetic problems. The genetic problems of children born from older fathers carry mostly mental type afflictions, while children from older woman usually carry more "body based, structural" problems. The autism risk is very high as well.


I really do find this quite scaremongering and not really backed up with any actual links to evidence I am having a hard time trying to determine what's considered a high risk. Are we talking about 60-80% chance of having mental health problems? Or are we saying it's triple the normal population rate (where the normal rate is lass than 1% so the risk itself is still insignificant)? Because that does make a difference!  
I think while it's important to share risks, particularly when a member is asking the question, I also think there's ways and means of putting it without upsetting said member. And, it's clear from her other posts on FF that this is exactly what your post has done. We all, here for a longing and a hope to become a parent; many because we want to share with our partners the ultimate gift. We want to cement our love with a child. This is, after all, what we are biologically and emotionally driven to do. Else why are we all here seeking and sharing support? 
By all means, present facts and risk assessment, but surely there's a way of doing it and being... not quite so blunt? Really, is it worth shattering a person's fragile dreams because you have a strong opinion over something?



> As he had vasectomy, I assume he has his biological children. Why on earth would you risk something like that and have a potentially debilitating, life altering decision that can affect the rest of your life.


Simply put. Love. Having any child is a life altering decision, regardless of health issues. That's *why*.

There's no logic in any of us being here if you want to put it like that. You may as well say to a single woman to accept that they won't have a child because they don't have a partner... or someone with immune issues that they are not supposed to have a child because of all the risks involved in taking immune therapies. Or... someone with male factor who needs ICSI that ICSI increases risks of abnormalities and that they shouldn't risk it. Or, hey, let's take it to the extreme; you're infertile and need IVF; you shouldn't do it because it puts your own health at risk. Yet we all risk it and all for the same reason. We want to fulfil our biological imperative to have a child. For those of us who are lucky to have a partner to do this with, where possible, most of us would like for that child to have a genetic link to both of us. And for some of us, using a donor is not an option.



> Do a very good research on google "older men sperm" and also note how other 65 and 70 year old men relate to other children, set in their ways and like to be in their own world. They don't act like fathers- they act more like babysitters for a short period of time. Yes, you might love each other and etc, but the miracle wouldn't happen, age is something that is unstoppable and unrelenting.


I have done plenty of reading on the subject but, more importantly I have also lived personal experience of having an older father for my child. There was never a more loving, kind, patient and fantastic father than my DH. His patience with our DS was far greater than mine, frankly, and he probably played with me much more than me, taught him and learned from him. All those reports? Yeah, statistics again. I've seen plenty of examples of young men who've become fathers and just aren't up to the job.  I think it makes far more sense to ask real people who have lived that life - and to know what youe own DH is like before making a judgement on what kind of dad he will be.

Serene we do have a thread here on FF for those in age gap relationships. And you can see that most people have gone on to have babies now so I am sure if you ask them there you might get some responses from people who have had experience: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=43504.0
Feel free to revive the thread. 



> If he loves you, he would never burden you with a potential disaster.


I'm sorry that's quite insulting! Who are we to question any aspect of Serene's relationship. Some might say if he loves her he'd do anything for her (in my experience it is far more likely that a person will allow/encourage a loved one to do something less than sensible than for them to "hurt" them for their own good). And there's that use of the term "potential". Potential disaster yes, but also potentially the best thing they will ever do. Let's have a bit of balance here.



> I apologize for unsupportive answer and I am giving my honest opinion being in a similar situation and will not sugarcoat it.


Well it's great that you recognise you've been a bit harsh and really not that supportive but honestly, I don't think showing sensitivity is the same as sugarcoating and, perhaps you need to think a little more about the impact of your words. I wouldn't be being so harsh on you myself now if it were not for the fact I think people how give it should be able to take it too, and I can see how visibly upset you have made the OP. When we're talking about life changing decisions and shattering people's dreams and hearts, I think it's prudent to show a little support and tact.



> 65 is too late to father children for a mother to have a sound sleep without fear. And life stage wise is not the same as my boyfriend acted all happy regarding my plans and then fear set in and he said I hijacked his life and then he goes back to"yeah, children are most important..." He now tells me he will be an uncle . Right now he is playing a farmer at his sister's farm and I am 4 months pregnant and I don't have anywhere to come back to. He said he is retired  They say one thing and then change their mind as they are the ones that feel the aging creeping in, the tiredness, the aches and pains. They know that they are not the same they were when they were younger.... I am running out of time so I went ahead with the baby, and I am fully aware he might last 2-3 years if that and then ... go his own way or just live with me but be more as a baby sitter, not a fulltime partner. I will need to find a husband sometime in the nearest future


I am sorry your own personal experiences with older men facing fatherhood has not been as positive and life affirming as mine, or some others here.  It's clear that has skewed your judgement on this and I am glad I've had an opportunity to balance this out a bit.

C~x

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites

I'd just like to say, the opinions shared in this post are my own and not those of FF's.


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

It will be ICSI - so appreciate wont know anything yet xxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Just to note, I have merged to two topics here and moved this to the IVF boards. 

Please comment but try and respect the ethos of the site is to support ALL members. 

C~x


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I would just like to add that no one knows what the future will bring for any age of parent.
I work in an intensive care unit and I have had to slip away on more than one occasion to weep in the office when I have seen little children clutching the hands of a relative saying is Daddy/Mummy going to wake up? Or seeing the transplant co-ordinator making foot prints and hand prints and taking locks of hair from a parent because the children are too young to know the parent and need a momento. The parents I have seen dying are anything from 28 to 45 and have died from anything from a road traffic accident to a burst aneurysm on the brain. You could say to anyone, don't have children because they might have be bereft at a young age.
On the other hand I know many people in their 80s who are perfectly healthy and full of energy. I have an elderly father and elderly neighbours who dote on my child and provide him with much love and attention, attention that might not come from a younger person who is working too hard and doing selfish things.

Nearby to us I know of a couple with a little girl - he was 60 when she was born and I see her every night going up and down the street on the scooter she got for Christmas with Daddy right behind her. I have seen him carrying her on his shoulders or piggy back, playing etc. I have never seen the mother taking her out and the mother is much younger. He clearly has plenty of time for her and lots of energy.


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## Ella72 (Aug 19, 2011)

Mistletoe, very wise words. thank you for sharing.

Caz, thank you for responding to that original post. I empathise with the poster; she has clearly had a very bad experience, but like you I think that it really depends on the man as an individual, rather than his age.


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Many Thanks, very moved by this post xxx Much Love to you all xxxx


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Hi Serene, 

I think you have plenty of food for thought here now regarding the potential 'outcomes' in terms of the health of your baby and likely success of treatment.  Some have posted very emotively about this and I think Caz has balanced those views with her very detailed post.  I'll not go into this issue any further as I think she's covered it - suffice it to say that I was not unduly concerned about risks to my babies' health caused specifically by either my own age (38 and 40 when I had my children) or my DH's (52 and 55).  I think anyone who goes into TTC without considering that their child may be born with a health issue or disability is naive.  You cannot mitigate against all the risks, and having a baby is a risk in itself.  It may be minimal, but your child will also live a life where there are risks to their health or their safety, so we must all be prepared, from the minute we decide we would like to become parents, to have a sick or disabled child.  It can happen to any of us, from conception, or through their lifetime. 

Obviously we are all influenced by our own personal experiences, but I think one person's bad time or difficult relationship is not the best influence to base your decisions on.  I have to say not only did I find Braxma and alexine's posts unscientific use of 'internet facts', I also found much of their sweeping generalisations about older men quite insulting.  'They' are all different people with their own backgrounds, lifestyles, experiences and feelings.  

I can only suggest to you Serene that there are other factors to consider - and there are as many upsides to older parenting as there are downsides, in my experience.  I am an older mum, and my DH is an even older dad.    We have a 14 year age gap, and I didn't have my first child til I was 38 (not for lack of trying however!) and my second was born when I was 41. 

My DH is 58 and currently contemplating his retirement in 2 years' time.  He can't wait.  Not only to stop working, but to take over the main childcare role in our family.  There is no real likelihood that he'll be sinking into the life of some doddery old man in slippers with a pipe.  His generation were born in the 1950s, they grew up in a liberated and dynamic time loving rock music, living a pretty wild life and he is not an old-fashioned fuddy duddy who doesn't understand what fathering is about, or who thinks that children should be seen and not heard.  He is a fantastic father.  All his children, his 3 adult ones and his two little ones adore him.  He doesn't relate only to his children on a part-time basis, he's fully involved, engaged and constantly busy.  He had his first family starting when he was 26 and he had considerably less time to put into being a parent.  He was newish to the world of work, less mature, more interested in going off to play football and socialising with his mates, struggling to provide for his family and less well off. 


The way I look at it, there are pros and cons to fathers - or mothers- at either end of the age spectrum.  Serene, you could look at your family-to-be as having the best of both worlds - you're relatively young and your DP is older.  How fantastic, your child will learn from an older man's perspective, and a younger mum's view of life.  

it is only natural that we will examine the risks as we think about becoming parents.  Yes, we would be silly to ignore the issues of becoming older, and how that might affect our children.  But I would argue that perhaps if we were younger, we may not have considered it, assuming we have years ahead of us, whereas illness or loss could strike any family at any age.    My DH lost his own father at an age he is now fast approaching himself, but I still have both my parents fit and well and travelling the world, appreciating their grandchildren, and living full lives in their mid 70s. 

We can't know what will happen to our partners, no matter hold young or old any of us are, we do not know how long we will have together, whether we will stay in good health, how we will match up to the demands of parenthood and so on.  So why avoid being happy and having a family together because of a 'what if'?  . We are who we are and we love our partners for so many reasons. So long as we have a strong relationship and are confident in each other, the best we can do is try our best and I would be more inclined to think about how our personalities and relationship will match up to the demands of parenthood, rather than the year of our births, which ultimately doesn't tell us that much. 

Good luck with your decision Serene   

Claire x


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Woah CW I haven't insulted anyone!! I just offered my personal perspective which is allowed....in a respectful way I might add. Just because it's not the admitted perspective of the majority, doesn't mean there isn't any room for it. Serene asked for different experiences and perspectives and that is what happened. I genuinely wish her and her DH all the luck in the world with their tx. 
Alexine


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Sorry, no Alexine you didn't, I got you a bit mixed up in the subclause of a sentence that was probably too long!    I don't agree with your assessment of the risks, but no you weren't generalising or insulting.    

C x


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## ❁ BG2007 ❁ (Jun 26, 2007)

Alexine I think Mrs CW has made it clear that you have done nothing _wrong_ per se and indeed has apologized



Mrs CW said:


> Sorry, ... no you weren't generalising or insulting.


Braxma you seem very determined that something categorically WILL go wrong. I wish I knew the figures but the facts are that many, many children are born healthy and happy to older parents, simple as that. Yes there are risks but I doubt many *healthy*, older couples could detach their emotions and make decisions armed only with science and statistics, we humans just don't work like that. I don't think it's naivety, more human nature. Your experience of genetic bone disease must have made this a much more pressing issue though (and wow, 3 out of 18 embies! The wonders of PGD eh? )

Please all, remember that this is a thread of support for *Serene* as she makes her decisions. It is fine to present a balanced argument or debate, providing that there is just that ... balance.

B xxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

braxma14 said:


> We all quick to support anything that sounds remotely nice and romantic, but she would deal with the outcome. If it didn't work out, you would be all "sorry" . *And that's it.*


I'd rather be supportive than not, and I'd rather be sorry and offering emotional support and what practical support I could than in a "I told you so" camp. I am sure there's plenty of people in Serene's real life that will be there to do both regardless of whether she has a healthy child or not. 

I don't find anything supportive in your posts in this thread, and it's obvious the OP doesn't either - have a read back and you can see how badly you've upset her! I would think out of consideration for that and respect for Serene's feelings you might consider the tone and method in how you respond in future.

There's times and places for debates about the ethics of older people having babies and, yes, go ahead and start a thread to debate it if you want, in a relevant area but not in this thread please. It's meant to be Serene's support thread. Considering she never even asked about the health risks to the child and was asking about whether it was fair on her DH to have a child late in life at best this is getting off topic and at worst it's hijacking someone's support thread to have a debate in.

Please only post in this thread if you have something supportive to say to Serene - by all means present pros and cons around the original question if necessary but please do so in a balanced and supportive way. Any future posts that are not deemed supportive will be removed.

Caz


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Serene

How are you doing? I've read your thread and was quite 'surprised' by some of the responses. I hope you've taken more notice of the more positive and supportive posts instead? 

I just wanted to say that even though the age gap for me is slightly different to yours it is still something that plays on my mind, and I often wonder if I should be asking this of my DH, but I have to say after reading the really lovely positive posts on your thread from Mistletoe, Caz and Mrs CW it has given me renewed optimism! I also read the thread suggested on 'age gap relationships', have you had a chance to read it? It's very inspiring and definitely worth a read http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=43504.0 I just had a look this eve and after a really rubbish end to this week (lots of crying and feeling down in the dumps!) it's given me the hope and encouragement I needed 

Anyway, also wanted to ask how your appointment went? It was on the 12th wasn't it? Hope it went well and that you got the answers that you were looking for 

Take care  xx


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Think my dreams are over. Sorry for causeing a bit of conflict on here. Never meant to. Alof of fabulous people on here - I wish u all the best of luck in your dreams and lives xxx Much Love xxx


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## ❁ BG2007 ❁ (Jun 26, 2007)

Oh dear Serene, are you alright?  

By the way, you've caused no conflict, none at all. 

B xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Oh no Serene, I'm so sorry to hear that.  Please don't feel like you're alone in this, whatever your outcome I'm sure there are many threads you could read/join to help you, I know it's hard right now but there are so many lovely supportive people on here.  Anyway, guess you need some time to think and get your head around things so will leave you be, but sending you great big   xx


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so low Serene.    I hope you will be able to find a way through this and have your dream of being a mum. 
xxA


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

Me too bt found out partner had his eyes else where - homeless, jobless and running out of choices. Thanks all - Much love x


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

I'm not sure if you mean he's been seeing other women?  If so that is pretty harsh news to get when you have been trying to work through the tx stuff.   Hang in there...you are still a young woman and have time to make things right for yourself so you can be a mum. I was an old bird of 41 and it happened for me. 
Take care,
xxA


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Much love to you Serene, come and talk to us anytime you need to.  Big   xxx


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