# Advice needed! SW doesn't believe I'll be approved..



## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

I'm a single adopter going through the home assessment and I had an awful session with my SW yesterday.

She told me she's speaking to the VA director on Tuesday because she doesn't feel positive I will make it through the approval panel (she doesn't feel positive I'm what they're looking for). She's meeting with the Director on Tuesday regarding her concerns - she didn't think there was enough evidence of stability because of my past and family situation (I've moved around a lot growing up, moved 3 times in last 5 years; only been in my home/job a year; not close to my mum/step-dad and my support network don't all live down the road).

I don't believe her reasons are at all valid and what's more - she's made this judgement after only 2 fact finding sessions and without having spoken to a single reference or read their reports!

I sent her and the Director my response last night - I was too upset to respond in the session but I don't know how effective it will be and I was wondering if you could give me a second opinion on her concerns and my response to them.

http://startingati.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/im-sorry-computer-will-not-say-no.html


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

HI, I'm sorry that your SW does not seem to be supporting you.    I have read your letter, and it is very well written.  Do not feel bad for sending it either, you want to continue this journey with the right SW and or VA/LA for you... if they choose to defer you, then go elsewhere... its their loss (well the children they are trying to place actually, which is very sad).  You deserve to give this your best shot, well done for standing up for yourself.

Big hugs and good luck, let us know what the director says! xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi time2bemom,

Big hugs  

I second everything mrsYG has said. Your letter is very well written and presents a good counter balance.
Only you will know if you feel you can trust this SW and indeed the VA.

I hope I don't cause offence - but did notice you have progressed very quickly and it might be a little easier if you were to slow some of your HS down to allow your SW (or a new one) some time to build up and ensure they really know you. 

We found our HS really good and insightful and whilst we liked our SW, we had a more challenging meeting early in and I worried we had turned a point of no going back! However at our next HS meet she surprised us by how much she supported us and the rest if HS was a breeze. IMHO I think they do test you as they want to know we adoptive parents will fight for our children's interests and welfare for life.
You also mention your SW is a bit new to this and is maybe bring ultra cautious in case of rejections at Panel.

Our SW is fantastic and has been brilliant in this post approval stage and really gets us - vital for us and the right match but is now coming up with potential scenarios I could only have dreamed of.

Ps if you end up having a small delay then there are other things you can do that will all help in the long run - you mentioned volunteering etc (I think you already do some just now)

Hang in there and let us know how you go with the response
Best of luck
G x


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

No don't take offence at all. 

You're right is has been going quickly.. well it was but then because of her holidays and being busy and my work, it slowed right down and I've had 2 weeks between the last 2. So actually only had 3 sessions with her and the last one was paperwork. I know what you mean though. 

I was in 2 minds as to whether to say anything because I really didn't want to make it work, but I couldn't let them think I wasn't bothered and it was my chance to show them I had fight in me. Just hope it's worked!


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

time2bmom

Thought the letter was well written and personally I would view it positively if someone showed that much fight for having a child. Had you explained all this to her in person or were you not given the chance and assumptions made.

Any child would be fortunate to have a mom who had taken such responsibility.

x


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Thanks Fraggles

At the time I couldn't. I tried to ask her what her reasons were and then tried to digest them but was so upset. I couldn't really talk to her properly and she just kinda left. She said sorry for upsetting me. She left it right till the end after going through all of my paperwork and looking around the house etc. letting me babble on about kids beds, etc. Having said that, all of the stuff I mentioned in my letter I've already told her. So maybe it's not enough.

I know they have to be careful and I was in 2 minds about saying anything at all but had to put up a fight and not let them think I wasn't bothered. It's just too important.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

You have done the right thing in my view. Good luck. If you get to go to a panel to put your case forward could you take one of your references? xx


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi

Sorry you have had a ****ty time.  Your letter was very articulate and direct and if they dont admire you for at least that, then your with the wrong VA.  I think you will totally **** your sw off by sending the letter over her head to the director but hopefully they will see that this just might be a class of personalities with your sw and might give you the chance to start a fresh with a new one.

Very best of luck, let us know the outcome.xx


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## Cornflower (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi,

So sorry you had such a disappointing meeting with your sw. I read your letter and agree with the others that its great, you're clearing communicating how committed you are to this process. Yes, we singlies probably have to prove our support networks more than others, but I don't see why those networks shouldn't comprise friends rather than family? My sis and her family are totally supportive but live a couple of hours away (same with parents) so I'll be heavily pushing my mates as my local network. Anyway, it kind of sounds like your VA is contradicting itself with what they previously said was OK but now seems not. How confusing for you. Take heart, if this lot don't work out there will be other VA's and LA's... good luck with the response from the sw


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

I have just re read my post and it says your letter might widdles your sw off, I meant **** your sw off!!  lol, widdles is that even a word?!!


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## Lindyloo (Sep 20, 2006)

While my relationship with SW was very positive, I know my friend had a very unpleasant experience, being moved to tears on a number of occasions. Some test you more than others. As one poster said, they want to see if you can stand up for an adopted child. The SW could well be raising points that she knows panels will ask about, but honestly it's her job to explain such reasons in her report so that it is understood why you've had to move, why you're not close to your family, etc etc. 

Our referees didn't live down the road, and only my sister is within walking distance. Both DH's and my families live 15-30 mins away, but we've got other friends that we'd call on first because as we've got older, some of our friends are closer than our family. Your letter gives valid reasons on why you're not close to your family, it doesn't mean you won't be a good adopter rather you won't have disruptive influences in your child's life which can only be positive.

To me, and it's a personal thing, the letter was a little too long, bit too defensive and rather accusatory against the SW. I don't know how the conversation actually went, but do you think she had concerns she was hoping the VA director would put her mind at rest on them (the fact she said sorry for upsetting you suggests she didn't realise the impact on you). If it were me, I'd now ring your SW, and ask if you could meet with her and the VA director to clear up any confusion on SW's points. 

You've come so far with this SW, it would be a shame to lose it now, so it would be good to patch it up with her to work together (see her as a headteacher who you need to bring round to help your child!). 

Sending you lots of hugs and good luck


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

t2bm have you heard back? Am thinking of you. x


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Thanks for your comments everyone but guess I'm more unsuitable than I thought if she can make the judgement below after 2 interviews and without speaking to any of my referees.

_"I met with Director today and discussed my concerns about your application. He feels, like me, that Panel is highly unlikely to support your application at present even if the assessing social worker felt able to take it to panel.

I understand that you were very upset when we last met and because of the level of your distress I did not feel able to go into my concerns in full detail However, apart from those I mentioned I have concerns about your ability to share your emotional life with the people you care about, the apparently many unaddressed emotional issues from your history such as your Mum, Dad, Sam and marriages, your exposure to abuse and the level at which you recognise the effects of the abuse on your emotional relationships, and the lack of evidence regarding any enduring, healthy intimate relationships.

Director is going to discuss our concerns with the Directors of VA and he believes that in the first instance there will probably be a meeting with you to discuss our concerns. Part of that meeting will address what the process will be after the meeting and what your options will be. As I am away all next week that meeting is unlikely to take place for two weeks but that will depend on VA and people's availability.

Clearly as a result of the above I will not be visiting you on..."_


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Oh honey big hugs. Is there a support group anywhere on line or off line where you can speak to someone for support and to find out what you could do to ready yourself for becoming a parent or for getting a successful application with another organisation? 

xxx


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

How utterly devastating for you, my heart really goes out to you


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

My gosh,  this must be devestating for you.  I have read all of your posts on your blog and it is so clear how invested you are in this process. SW have so much power in this process,  It's frightening how we are expected to lay before them all that has made us become the people we are and allow them to pass judgement on our ability to become parents.

We were deferred at our intial panel,  one of the panel member told us that they believe we are good enough parents for our 10 year old birth son.  If I hadn't been so upset I may have told them that our son is wonderful and we didn't expect them to consider if we should keep him,  only if they felt we should be able to adopt a child who needs a family who are good enough.  We were fortunate enough to have a good SW who supported us,  she told us there is a little one out there who needs us to keep fighting for her.    

There are no words that can help today but I wanted to send you some   and let you know I'm thinking about you.  

If it is any consolation I am sure you have so much to offer a little one.  I hope you can find the strength and energy to pick yourself up from this and move forward with another agency.  You have come through so much,  you don't seem the type to let this stop you becoming the mum you want to be.

Very best of luck for the future,  please keep us posted.

Jules


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## time2bmom (Jan 18, 2012)

Thank you Jules, such kind words and everyone else. 
It's been a devastating blow. It was hard for me to put myself out there like that but I knew I had to do it for this process and I feel really lost right now. Everything has been about my future with a child, I've pictured her here, I've got VA stuff absolutely everywhere, books and so on and it's a bit suffocating at the moment. It feels so unfair after only 2 sessions to be judged that way, without talking to me in depth about anything and not having heard from references yet. I really feel things may have been different with a different SW but maybe they wouldn't. I thought my baby was out there just waiting for me to come rescue her and I'm struggling to believe that right now.

What an awful thing to hear at panel Jules and well done for making it through. 

I've tried to get hold of the Director to get clarity on exactly what happens next but no joy. Emailed and no reply yet.

I will of course keep you posted and thank you again for your kind words xx


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

TTBM,

We haven't made it through yet,  2nd panel in July we hope.  I would have struggeled to keep going without my DH and a supporting SW.  I'm also not nearly as strong as you to come through your very difficult history and go on to deal with something this difficult as a single adopter.

I hope you can use your support network to help you through this.  Somehow I get the feeling you become more determined in the face of big problems.

 to you and I hope to hear how you plan to fight back.

Jules. xx


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## Cornflower (Jun 5, 2011)

Hello TTBM, 

Glad you posted up on here I was wondering what news of you. I just want to say that I think I totally get what you're feeling right now, I had a home visit this morning which was tough. She raised a few issues (related to being single) in a very direct way (although I did think she was nice, and professional). Its sent me into a spin and made me question some things that I thought I was sure about, which is v difficult when you've been planning everything around moving towards adoption. I'm feeling like I need some time to think about things, irrespective of what her report says. So   to you lady, you're not alone x


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