# A name, a name...what's in a name?



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

DH and I are adopting a LO under a year old and go to matching panel in a couple of weeks’ time.  When we asked about the possibility of changing her name we were told by LO’s SW’s manager (who was at the initial meeting) said that this was an absolute no-no as it was the only thing BM had ever given her. We understand why, retaining links to BPs etc. I can see both sides of it. It sticks in the throat a little that we, the people who are going to raise this LO, don’t get any say in her name. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t want to take that away from her in a way because it is hers and it was given to her by her BPs. I’ve read conflicting views from adult adoptees, some who say their birth name is very important, and others who say they couldn’t care less – one person had had their name changed and was upset about it and another was relieved. You get the drift, it’s circumstantial to each person really. 

So, after much, much deliberation, we have thought of one way to work around it. Her name is alright but we wouldn’t have chosen it and it doesn’t really fit with us brilliantly, but it could be a lot worse.   We thought we might give her a middle name of our choosing as we can do this, and then call her by this but also use the other name too – so in effect she knows she has ‘two names’ and that most people will use the one we have given her, but that sometimes the other will be used in the doctors or whatever because it is technically her first name. We will explain as soon as she is old enough to understand how it works and that her BPs gave her the first name. That way if she does want to use that first name herself she can do and her link to her BPs is still clearly retained as her first name is the name given to her.

I know lots of people who use their middle names as first names and my own name doesn’t even vaguely resemble my birth name; I was given one name and then called another. When my real name is used at the doctors or dentists I am always slightly confused for a minute!  And no doubt we all went to school with people who changed their names, or got nicknames which stuck forever. I for instance went to school with a girl called Helen and everyone called her Bebe. I don’t know why but that was her name. 

So I guess my question is have other people played around with their LOs name / use a nickname or a ‘known as’ or am I the only naughty one trying to bend the rules?   Obviously we could be utterly devious and just change her name once we have PR but I don’t really want to do this as I do think she should keep her first name to a point because I know her history and I’m comfortable with this.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi LilyElf,
This sounds like a good compromise to me, I also know a few people who are known by their middle names but use their first name in a more official capacity!

xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

People we know who adopted years and years ago used pet names for the kids that weren't a million miles away from their real names, just affectionate adaptations really, but the kids preferred them and as they were 4 and 5 they chose to keep the new names after the Adoption Order was made.  For example, if LO's name was Polly, they might have called her Pollyanna amongst other pet names, then when it came to it the child preferred Anna and chose to take that as her name... 

We are tempted to change spelling, but not the name, partly because LO will be over 2 when he comes and whist we wouldn't choose it as a name it's not terrible, however we do plan to give a second name, something we might have chosen as a first name.  Mainly to personalise his names to our family but also in case he wants to use the other name when he's older.  I know lost of people who have taken their middle name as their first when they were old enough to choose.

One thing putting me off changing the spelling of his first name is that he will have life story stuff in the shape of letters from his birth family, they will be addressed to the original spelling and I don't want him to feel awkward about it... Dunno, mine field really and I'm not sure I feel strongly enough about it to make it an issue... 

That is a good compromise and your LO can always choose later if they prefer one or the other. x


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hey Lilyelf - Wyxie posted a thread on changing her LO's name, so that might be a good read for you. I know we are only starting our adoption journey, but the whole 'name' debate fascinates me but I think it's one you have to tread carefully with with your & LO SW. How does the whole letter box contact work with BF if you change your LO's name or even the spelling? Good luck xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We kept bubba first name she had a middle name as well but we have added one in the middle if that makes sense. She shares her bday with dh late nan his late dads mum. He sadly died between approval and matching so it only felt right that we added that.

We had a couple on our prep who changed middle and first name round agreed by ss and to be honest they have had an awful lot of problems with lo who was 16 months at placement.  Who is to say this isn't related but must have added to the confusion for her. 
I wouldn't in a million month of Sundays chosen bubbas name but as soon as we saw her photo there was no way I would have changed it. 
Its a very personal thing but do seriously think about lo here


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi LilyElf,

I admit I'm in the camp of adding a middle name that you would choose/has family connection. I also think spellings/similar sounding name changes make sense when there are security concerns but I do agree with AAA that the LOs name us that and even with a young baby they may know there name so it could make it rather confusing during the pre AO period where you are referring to LO as you don't normally call them in front if SWs.

If you use Los name a lot during intros as fCs abd SW would expect you may actually come to re if use the LO as that name and then it becomes harder. 

In the early start of the adopting process I really thought it from our side and wanted to "name" our child but now I feel quite different. I don't even think about the LO keeping link to how through the name - more about acceptance of LO, if you don't accept them/background etc what do you think your LO will think later on?

Complete minefield though and who's to say with security issues that SSs don't revert and this is recommended for adopters 10years from now?!?
X


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I have to be honest and say, for fear of offending, I don't think that quietly changing a child's name at placement is a good idea.

I think that while the "using the middle name" thing works really well for adults who make that choice, it's a complete pain in the backside for children in school, and the associated questions and explanations may be very difficult for a little one to manage when they don't fully understand themselves.  I think if you're going to change it, you should change it legally.  If you put a new name in the application for an adoption order SWs are not going to remove the child just on that basis.  You can legally change the name yourself as soon as you have the adoption order and PR even if the Judge didn't make the name change order at the same time as the adoption order.

My personal opinion is that the stress caused by changing a name is huge, especially if it happens just after placement, and if there's nothing wrong with the one they have and it's not horrendous enough to be hard work for them at school or unique enough to make them easily identifiable, I would definitely keep it.  Wyxling's name absolutely had to be changed for safeguarding reasons, and it was incredibly difficult for her.  Bladelet's name is one I would definitely not have picked for various reasons, but we're keeping it.  It's mainstream, if a little old fashioned, and it's not offensive.

You're going to have to back and forth with names during the review meetings and I think it could be difficult for a lo.  Although under a year at placement, by the time you get the adoption order she's going to be nearer 18 months and may well be talking a little.  I think it could be quite confusing for her that some people are calling her by her own name, including you at times, and at other times using her new name.

I think if I felt that strongly about it, I would be inclined to add a middle name, and let my child choose which they wanted to be known by when they were old enough to choose.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Lizard39 said:


> How does the whole letter box contact work with BF if you change your LO's name or even the spelling? Good luck xxx


You refer to LO by the name their birth parents gave them


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I disliked DS's name when i found out what they'd called him (DD's sibling..who was (hopefully)due to join our family at a later date) and i very seriously considered tweaking it to something more my liking but that rhymed. I spent many hours chewing over it. We had loved DD's name, it was a little quirky in spelling and was just a bit 'different' and i was really disappointed with DS's name. In the end we kept it..but we shortened it when we addressed him..bit like you would shorten william to willy, for instance..so it has the same sound at the beginning. DS doesnt remember being called anything else..but when we watch back film of him when he first arrived he gets quite confused as we were calling him by his full name then and he thinks it odd. it feels odd to me too seeing us using his full name. I've never taught him to spell his full name..he only knows the shortened version. when we went in an ambulance recently I gave his name as the short version and there was some confusion with the hospital records when we got there as they wanted his full proper name! I honestly forget he's anything else!! DD has recently taken to using his proper name and its very odd hearing it! if i'm totally honest he finds it more confusing than i would have imagined and i really dont think we changed it that much  


the first letterbox contact i called him by the full name, after that i said we just use **** and thats it. I have the opposite problem with LB actually..Birth granny disapproved of the unusual spelling of DD's name and insists on using the 'conventional' spelling in her letters which gets on my nerves..DD is going to have a whole set of letters and xmas cards later in life to look at with her name spelled completely wrong..doesnt even start with the same letter!  


we did add a middle name to both the childrens names but didnt take away their original middle names so they have a first name and 2 middle names now..i didnt feel it was my right to take anything away from them..


anyaway dont know if that waffling helped at all, just my two pence worth  


kj x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

just to add another view


we changed our ds name - he came aged 18months. 


it was an easy choice for us as i knew i could not live with the birth name for several reasons. we called him his new name from day 1 of introductions, and put the change on the court forms. 


we didn't change the sound of the name hugely, but the spelling is very different. it would be like this: evangeline, renamed evie. 


in letter box we call him by his birthname


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Lots of different thoughts here then. I would say that my niece wad adopted aged 2 and given a new name for safeguarding and its never been an issue. She felt quite special to be given a new name and enjoyed saying it. I'm not sure what we'll do, but I've been explaining my name my whole life and its been no big drama. I've always understood that the name that came to be mine when I was tiny isn't my real name or even a feasible shortened version, it just happened that way. We'll do what feels right and have her best interests at heart whichever way that leads us, she is the priority after all.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Just to add another view point or consideration. 

I dont knw if its different in enland but in wales but  Once a little one begins school, unless their name is legally changed, any official documents have to be referred to as their official, legal name. Duing the day to day running of school life they can be referred to as anything you wish BUT there are many times when thy have to be and will be referred to with their official name. For example,  in many primary schools daily registration is electronic, which means the register and their 'official' name is displayed on the white board. Teachers just have to ignore this name and call out their preferred name, but it is there for all to see. It's an issue we are currently faced with in our school but there is nothing we can do.


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

I have just finished hs so not an issue for me yet. But we think that if not a security issue, or name is not a strange one that will cause the child problems as grow older, that we will keep their birth name. I know it might not be a name I would have choosen but think its all to do with accepting child had a past before me. In saying that I may feel different when actually in the position and emotions come in to play but that is our thinking at moment.


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## nicola jane (May 14, 2013)

we have been given permission to change our lo,s name as it is very identifiable,they even put her new name we have given her onto the matching report but we are keeping her middle name the same..relieved we can change it cos i dont think she wud have been happy with her birth name as she gets older...we didnt have to ask about changing it was already decided when they came to us  xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

To refer to someone's point (sorry can't remember!) my brother has always gone by his middle name, his first name is the same as my dad's (and, actually, my grandfather's and his father's AND our little boy). It's NEVER been confusing or an issue. He knew from when he started school that it was that way, when he moved to secondary school about 2 teachers referred to him by his actual first name and he just corrected them. It's common enough that nobody really commented, and he just had always known it that way.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I kind of agree with you thespouses; as I've already said my own name is so far removed from the name my parents gave me - it just 'grew'.  My 'proper' name is long and can be shortened in a million different ways but the versions my family came up with were totally unrelated    It just wasn't a problem. When I was very little there was a set of stories I particualrly liked and the name of the main character became my name for a long time too. It may all SOUND confusing, but it really wasn't. I knew what my long name was, and I knew that there were a variety of versions that people coined for me. I was secure and happy in a big and loving family and have been called around 5 varieties of name through out my life. It really isn't a biggie. When I got to my teens I picked the one I liked the most and it's been that way ever since.  I've already mentioned that my adopted niece had to have her name changed for safeguarding and she loves her name; she was pleased to have a special new name given to her by her mummy and daddy and enjoys saying it. If you ask her what her 'big name' is she will recite first, middle and surname to you proudly. 

When I went to school I was always asked by my teachers what I wanted to be called, or quickly corrected them. Often teachers would call me by my name and then hear others calling me my used name and quickly adapt to it.

I don't want to take her birth name from her, I will be meeting her BM because I want to, and she will be having ongoing contact with her birth siblings who are also adopted throughout her life - nothing is being 'taken' and her links will always be completely retained.  I've got a lot of experience in the adoption arena and I'm not doing anything lightly, as well as having adopted children in my family whom I am highly involved with DH and I have got a lot of friends with adopted children.  The last thing I want to do is cause my child any additional issues.  Equally I wouldn't say her name is her identity; she is who she is, and to be honest when we've told family her name they have all independent of each other cracked the same joke, so she could be subject to some teasing from it......but then any name can be turned into something to tease a child can't it....when I think of some of the things we came up with at school!

There are all different schools of thought on this and I don't necessarily think one school is right and the other wrong, I also don't think that because a name change causes some children massive issues it will cause every child massive issues. It is definitely a child by child thing because all children are different.

It's a tricky field and one everyone will have an opinion on and I have by no means settled on it myself yet, I think we will meet her and see what happens.

Thank you all for your views - very interesting.


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## curly-wurly (Sep 28, 2005)

We were advised by our social worker to change our two little ones names as they would be very identifiable in later life and we may be compromising their security by not doing so. 
I was quite against the idea as I did like their given name but could not alter for either a different spelling or similar sounding name. The deciding factor for me was finding LOTS of photos taken by BM and BGM on contact visits on both of their ******** pages and the use of their names along their BM's. Not knowing how the internet will change in the next few years we decided to change their first name to one of our choice but keep their birth name as their middle name therefore giving them the opportunity in later life to decide how they will be known.
The little ones were starting to speak and just starting to use their names so we thought it would be a hard job but 3 months into placement we used the two name approach as mentioned earlier and to be honest they took to it really well and the transition was easy for all. We only have letterbox contact so will just use their birth name on that.
From Prep group all along I was adamant that any little ones we had would keep their name but once my family was here I could not fail to keep them safe  and so the decision was made. If it wasn't for the internet making the world a smaller place then we would not have taken the decision and I am aware that some BMs lack the nouse to find relevant info but how hard is it to search ********?
Hope that helps anyone who is faced with the same soul searching as us.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

That's a very valid point curly. We would have to change the spelling of LO's name anyway because its unique - and not in a good way


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Lily elf - I think that changes things. I got the impression your decision was based on it not bring a name you like/would choose. If its very unique and makes logistics of school/local friends a real burden to keep LO safe or feel secure (even if bps haven't been violent you don't know how influenced they may be in years to come). 
If its too easy to identify and you feel your family would look over their shoulder then I would change as you outlined.
X


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Well its not a name I had ever heard before so I guess it is pretty unique, even though it does exist, but the spelling is such that if I was BM looking for LO in years to come and saw that spelling I would know I'd found her.


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## ferness (Jan 12, 2011)

In case it's useful, the Office for National Statistics publishes a list of baby names each year and the number of babies given each name. Here's a link: http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/search/index.html?newquery=baby+names

Use the excel spreadsheet for the relevant year of birth and gender for the full list. It might be useful to see how common names are or to get ideas for how spellings could be changed.

There are some quite bizarre names towards the bottom of the list ....!


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## ChickenLegs (Feb 3, 2013)

Resurrecting this as I have a new question please. Those of you who have changed a LO's name, did you have to do it by deed poll, or just by writing the new name on the adoption order? I came across the deed poll site, which said that you could change the surname by writing the new one on the AO, but any changes to forenames had to be done separately by deed poll, after the AO was made. So the old names would be on the adoption certificate.

But I'm sure at prep the SWs said we could if we wished add a middle name at the point of adoption. There was no mention of deed poll.

Thanks


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Chickenlegs, whatever name you put on the court order application is the name that goes on the adoption certificate. No deed poll.
We kept our LOs first name but as he had no middle name,  gave him two. One which suits him in case he decides he doesn't want to be known by his birth name as he grows older and one which is a family name for both myself and my DH.


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## ChickenLegs (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks Arrows. I've read duff info on the deed poll website before about changing a title, weird that they don't know their stuff


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