# Rant about insensitive friends!



## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Just had to get this off my chest as I know such things are understood here!  I came off ******** at the beginning of this year as I found the incessant pregnancy announcements, baby photos etc too upsetting on a regular basis and a constant reminder of what I was fighting hard for.  Anyway, still have a peek at my hubby's every now and then and this evening noticed a post shared by a good friend all about how their life is now about so much more than going out, drinking etc. as being a parent means their time is taken up with much more important stuff like Disney movies, cuddles etc. etc.  Condescending drivel designed to make parents feel all superior and make those without children seem as if their lives are so much less worthwhile  - some of us go out to try and forget the constant pain of infertility!

But what has made this all the more mind-boggling to me is the fact that this friend had to have two rounds of IVF to conceive her little girl, so I really thought she understood where I was coming from with my feelings on this type of patronising nonsense.  Obviously not.  Hopefully some day I will be a parent and I PROMISE never to use my status as a parent to make others feel their lives are somehow less valuable.  Ok...rant over - feel better for that!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Irish,

I never forget a friend of mine you had tried for 2 years and had failed ICSI treatment, emailed me a pic of her 6 week natural pregnancy scan to my work email address.

To this day I think it so insensitive.  She is struggling to conceive number 2 and it wouldn't have even entered my head to send her a scan pic when it was all going well for me.

Big hugs.

X


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Isn't it unbelievable how strange and insensitive people can be sometimes? That's truly awful Stacey - can't believe a friend would do that to you, especially one who should have a bit more sense regarding how it feels!  Have just read a few of your recent posts - sounds like you've been through the mill recently, hope you get some answers x


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## Jen1234 (Nov 11, 2012)

Hi, am new to this site but not to trying to conceive   and have a few insensitive friends who I've had to distance myself from. I was the first out of 7 girlfriends to announce I wanted to start trying for a baby, that was 6 years ago and now I'm the only one without a baby.. Every single one of them has had a baby and one is now pregnant with the 2nd! I'm constantly being told about the pressures and strains of motherhood plus how wonderful it all is. Ive had one couple come round and go through the entire contents of their changing bag??!! interesting evening for me and my husband! then another close friend, again well aware of my situation.. Invited me round for dinner.. I had to sit and listen to her describe every single detail of her pregnancy, inc how when she finally got her BFP the one person she couldn't wait to tell was her mum ( I sadly lost my mum 2 years ago) . I found the whole evening upsetting and since then have distanced myself from her. Very insensitive ! 

And if one more person tells me to relax/not think about it/just have lots of sex.. I think I will lose the plot ha ha. 

Rant over  

X x


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Irish,

When I was told last year that i would never be able to conceive (luckily this has since turned out to not be the case but obviously not an easy journey), I told my closest friend about this and how devastated i was. She just said that she couldn't help me as she has never had that problem and that she was thinking of being sterilised as she didn't want any more    I decided that if this was how she would be supporting me I would be better off distancing myself, it was very hurtful.

It can be very hard though  and unfortunately people do forget or do not even realise how hard we have to struggle to conceive or what we have to go through. Not sure if it is people being insensitive or people just being so caught up in their own little "bubbles", I think it is the latter and we are just the more sensitive to fertility issues but I have found that it does sort out who really cares about you and who isn't really a committed friend.

Take care x


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks ladies, sorry that you've had to suffer such insensitivity from so-called friends. joey-to make a comment like that when you'd recently lost your mum is highly insensitive;why can't people think before they speak, at least a bit more often?!

Barbs, I too would distance myself from someone who thought it appropriate to make such a comment to you.

I know people can't behave perfectly all the time as we're all only human, but this process over the last 5 years has really made me think about my friends too. SOme, especially since being told what's happening with us, have been amazing and a great support. Others continue to be insensitive and others again who, even now that I've actually started ivf,haven't been in touch once in weeks to ask how I am, despite earlier empty promises of support.

God, I'm starting to sound very bitter now!!


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## Jen1234 (Nov 11, 2012)

Arr I think we all deserve a moan every so often. I feel bad bending my husbands ear so much, I think he switches off now ha. Luckily I have a few great friends who are much more supportive, one who has had a sucessful cycle ivf, and another who is at same stage as me. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her.. She knows exactly how I'm feeling as you ladies too. She too as had to suffer insensitive friends. 

People are quick to forget how stressful the process of just trying for a baby is, let along one that's on going over years and requires some help. Xxx

One friend tried to conceive for 3 years, eventually fell pregnant after 12 months on clomid. I asked her once if she ever got down each month when her period came, or if she found it stressful.. her answer was no.. She was really positive all the time and enjoyed all the 'trying' ??!, I thought how strange.. So i asked her husband and he told me the REAL answer... Ha ha.. Wouldn't you think she would have just been honest with me, someone going through same thing rather than pretending she was fine about it all!

Some strange peeps out there  

X


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

There are indeed Jo..think I'll have to quit trying to figure them all out


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## girl nextdoor (Dec 19, 2011)

I know exactly where you are coming from. Tonight I have found out through ******** that one of my closest friends is pregnant. She knows the score with me and I can't help thinking that she has avoided telling me in case it upsets me. Obviously it upsets me more to be treated like a child and to find out her wonderful news through ********!


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## Purple butterfly (Jun 3, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I can totally sympathise with everything you have been saying. 

We've been trying for 4 years and I mentioned to my oldest friend (who has 2 children) that the infertility was getting me down. She texted 'Sorry to hear you are still having probs conceiving. Have u tried reading 50 shades of grey nudge nudge wink wink. Apparently it gets ladies in the mood lol. Distract u from having baby sex if u know what I mean'.   Grrrrr!

Then I told my boss (who has 2 children) that I would be having IVF soon & would be off for ~1 week. He basically said he didn't agree that it should be funded on the NHS at all!

Sorry to rant..but its good to be among people who know how you feel!

Wishing you all success soon


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

OMG to both your friend and your boss purple butterfly!! Makes me so cross!!  If that was my manager I would feel like making a complaint - how dare he?!


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm quite lucky in that I have senstive friends, boss and employers.    On bad days I have been known to swear at Baby on Board car stickers and a Twins on Board sticker did send me over the edge recently ("Oooo, **** you and your ****** fertile-ness!").    For all I know those twins could've been the result of an IVF struggle but emotions totally got the better of me that day!


I do however have THE most insenstive MIL.  Several times each year I get quizzed on precisely when I am going to produce her a grandchild (she hasn't been told about the IVF and never will be), and she regularly has mad shouting "I want a grandchild!" tantrum-esque outbursts (she did the last one in Starbucks and almost fell off her chair with all the hand flailing).  

I've tried speaking to her,  the last time my words were "It's quite a private thing to ask someone.  For all you know they could have just miscarried, had to have a termination on medical grounds or just been told they're infertile and your questions are hurting them" but naturally, it fell on totally oblivious-to-others-feelings ears. 

Dreading Christmas after our IVF fail - which I'm coping with better than I thought I would - but I just know if she starts her foot-stompy 'grandchild grandchild' routine, I *will* be walking out on her.


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Thank goodness Marti that at least you have good friends and support at work.  Your MIL truly sounds like the MIL from hell.  Words fail me at how you cope with someone that ignorant, insensitive and downright stupid.  If she does start any of that over Christmas DO walk out on her, and continue to do so every time she brings it up.  I know what I'd like to do to her...but it might not be legal  

You seem to be coping well with your recent bad news - hope you continue to do well, and best luck for the future.  PS - loved your rant at the car stickers, brilliant!!!


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Girls,

Having had the same things happen to me I'm glad to find that it's not just me being over sensitive and hormonal as some have said to me before.  This site is great for having a good rant and finding like minded people.

Lova and hugs to all

x x x


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## MummyP (Jan 24, 2007)

Hi all,

I am astounded by your posts'  by those who know you, so far I have been fortunate on my journey, but I would never dream of uttering such words, I meet people who are childless and PURPOSELY never ask them " if they want children" a real bugbear of mine  . I will never forget where I have come from, and surprisingly still feel perturbed, annoyed, even jealous at those who come off the pill or weren't even trying and fall pregnant within a month   , I don't think the pain and anguish of infertility has ever left me, despite how fortunate I have been.

I once mentioned to my sister in law, that my friend had been told that she may not be able to conceive naturally bearing in my mind that she had witnessed the lows of our 1st treatment (with very little support) her response was "we'll life's a b****". Our relationship has never been the same since that comment, it was like a knife through my heart and still angers me as I type    quite frankly, her loss is my sister's gain.

Wishing you all the fruitful journey you deserve.
Much love
Mummy P x


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## Shellbell2000 (Aug 23, 2011)

I now how you all feel. When my husband had to tell me that his oldest daughter had fell pregnant by complete accident. She then go I don't now how it happened and then has a go at my DH for not being overly supported. The worse part was that I fell pregnant only a couple of month after years of trying to then find out at 16 weeks I had lost them to which his daughter then total going on about her baby to me and my husband all the time. 

I hate the fact that so may people are so horrible and do not think about what going on. I do not expected people not to say any thing to me but just wish people would be nice about thinks. I have found that it worse the fact of wanting a child as every where you look some one is pregnant or they are pushing a pram. All I can say is do not give up and keep smiling at least we have each other and know what it is like and what we are all going through.


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## Cay23 (Jan 12, 2011)

I have to say, girls, although I understand how you're feeling I find it all depends who is showing me the baby pics etc. 

For instance, I have a friend who had recurrent miscarriages - she has been pregnant 6 times, and only one went to term. When we see one another or I see pictures of her gorgeous daughter I am so pleased for her that finally after all that heartache she has achieved her dream and so I'm more than happy to see pics and could listen to her stories all day. Likewise I have friends who I've made on here who have struggled like we all have/are, and have finally become pregnant. Their pictures/updates give me hope that one day that might be me and I believe they should be able to shout from the rooftops that after many years they've finally become successful. 

However, I also have a friend who fell pregnant the month before they started properly trying. She posts bump pictures on ** every week and every single status is related to her baby. This wouldn't be such a problem to me except that she's a bit of an instant expert now on all things ttc and pregnancy related and some of her comments I find condescending, ill-informed and in quite a few cases completely factually incorrect. I have blocked her, and her ** business page where her ttc/pregnancy related comments had also strayed, from my newsfeed.

I used to get really cross and frustrated by these sort of people but now I've realised there's no point. They will continue to lack understanding no matter what and expecting them to recognise how I feel is like expecting pigs to fly! So now I just let it wash over me and use up my energy by celebrating the miracles that have happened to those who have had difficulty starting a family.   

Good luck.

xx


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

I completely agree Cay. Just this week I had one of my closest friends call, she has had two children in the time we've been ttc but I don't mind her talking about them at all, as she's never condescending in the slightest. She also seems to 'get it' re our situation, despite not having been through anything similar. So I guess the lesson is surround ourselves as much as possible with this type of person instead of the insensitive idiots!


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## ElleSea (Sep 7, 2011)

Wow ladies, my heart goes out to you all and I completely understand where you're coming from. 
My DH and I married 4.5 years ago and I came off the pill the month before, naively believing I would fall pregnant within a year - hahahahahaha... Anyway, the year after we were married we had about 5 weddings that we attended and 2 the following year. Every single one of those couples NOW has a baby, my cousin and his gf got pregnant by accident a few years ago as well, unfortunately my poor DH had to listen to me rant saying that we couldn't even get pregnant on purpose let alone by accident!!
I also found out last Christmas Day that another of my cousins had had another baby (their 2nd) that no one had the decency to tell me about and my poor nan let slip, oh that made for a wonderful Christmas Day - I can tell you.
It took me a year to see one of our friends after their baby was born and even then I wasn't comfortable about seeing them, she's a gorgeous little girl, but it was really hard going over to see them. Daft thing is I can cope with toddlers and older children, it's babies I can't deal with. 
I wish sometimes people would just think to tell me that someone in the family is pregnant or has had a baby, I can deal with it when I see them and I know they've had one. What people don't seem to realise is that I can't cope with it when it gets sprung on me!! That's when my irrational hormones and emotions suddenly kick and I burst into tears. 
I use to enjoy family get togethers, but not anymore. I have my nan's 90th birthday coming up in January, which I'm really not looking forward to as I will be right in the middle of my treatment and most likely EC. As much as I'd like to go for my Nan, it's going to be damn hard surrounded by my cousins babies.
Oh and the comment about a friend suddenly becoming a baby expert after having one? Yeah, I had that from a ** friend in a message she sent me after I told her we were trying. And I'm like thinking... hang on a sec you've only had 2 kids, that doesn't make you an expert! When you've had the same years of experience that the Supernanny Jo has, then yeah, maybe you can give me some advice...
Ahem, anyway, rant over 
*steps off soapbox*


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Rant away ElleSea - we all know how you feel!


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## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

A friend of mine sent me a picture of her new baby. We were due at pretty much the same time, but my pg went wrong from 20wks and i had him at 29wks. A picture of her live baby born when mine should have been was just what my head needed ...! My reply was that of a very distressed, bereaved almost-mother. So not particularly subtle!

http://fryingpanorfire.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/baby-loss-poorly-understood.html

/links


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## SarahE83 (Mar 15, 2012)

to everyone. People really can be so insensitive!

I've been lucky in that I have some very good friends who have been amazing through the process (including one who is just about to start her own ICSI) and my two direct bosses have been mostly pretty good. My director on the other hand, not so good. When I told him I would be going for IVF, his response was, "Oh, fantastic!" Er no, not really! When I pointed that out, he quickly amended it to, "Fantastic you meet the criteria," but the damage was already done  Clearly has no idea. 

Then there is a female colleague at work who knows about things and she also says the wrong thing from time to time, like when she said, "You can talk to me about it. I'm a mum; I know about this things." Given that I know for a fact her first child was an accident and at the time she was devastated as they thought they didn't want children, I really don't think she does! Then when another colleague bought her six month old baby in for a visit while I was in the stimming phase, and the first thing the one who knew about my treatment did when she arrived was bring her in and plonk her on my lap with no warning. Yes, that's exactly what I needed - someone else's baby! They also both think three months is a long time  to be trying!!


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## Fidub (Jan 9, 2012)

Ooh I love an excuse for a good rant about this!

I am actually very lucky as I am surrounded by really lovely understanding family, friends and colleagues. 

However my all time least favourite was my cousin who had just moved from oz and was saying with us was there during my first round of Ivf. She had been seeing someone and had decided that because she was suddenly spotty that she must be pregnant. She was about three weeks in to her cycle I'd like to point out. She then said to me 'I'm not worried as I hear abortuons are free over here, that's so cool'. This was in my first day of my first cycle of Ivf and she knew that!

Another was a pregnant friend who knew about our situation and I was going for a lap and dye. She text me saying 'let me know the results ASAP as these pregnancy hormones make me over emotional so I'm worried'.

As for ******** I find it sad that people define themselves by their kids. I do like to see updated pics of what their kids look like but if it all they can talk about then that's sad. And I swear I will be et ever have a picture of my baby as my profile pic. Me with my baby maybe but not my baby. I'm a psychologist and maybe i analyse too much and to me that just says that that their child is all that they are which is sad really as they were a person before that!
Xxx


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## kellyloup (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi Irish,

I've only told a few friends about our battle with infertility though i think that's a double edged sword as when you behave in a way that may seem irrational or uncaring to others good news, they think you're just being a cow but then if/when you do tell people, it's admitting that there is a problem(something I'm not ready to be able to do fully) or you get sympathy or it seems on here, insensitive friends who just don't think!

I too am finding F/B hard as all of my friends are either having babies or are pregnant. There is one particular friend who I have just had to hide from my news feed as ALL of her statuses are about her little girl or things relating to her and as for the constant stream of pictures- they drive me insane!
I feel terrible thinking it but it's something we're entitled to feel as women without children.
I'd say rant away but don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do- it is perfectly normal given the circumstances.

Wishing you luck in your quest, hope it happens for you xx


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Not been on for a while then spotted this thread-could just be what I need. 

I'm 38 and been TTC for 12 yrs. In the last couple of yrs, my sister asks me when I'm giving up on it. When I did get my BFP in 2010 I told her straight away and she said "Should you really be telling people this early" I miscarried 4 days later and she said "This is why you don't tell people"    6 weeks after that we were all on holiday in Greece and I was saying to DH that I was wanting to pee a lot (I was in the 2WW) and I said "Ooh, could be a very early symptom" She said to him in a condescending tone "Don't listen to her, its not, I've actually been pregnant and had a baby" DH isn't violent-but she's lucky he didn't punch her face in that day. 
Anyway, she knew I was starting IVF but we';d not got any dates or anything, just the initial appt at the GCRM (private) and she knew it would be around November/December. She asked me to go Christmas shopping with her to Bruges, I said I couldn't as that's when I'd be doing IVF. Her reply was "What. do you have to stop everything just becuase you're doing IVF" Ermmm, Yes, if you'd have actually f*ckin' read up on the process like any other supporting sister would. then you'd f*ckin' know! Sorry, rant over, I'll calm my knickers now   

Needless to say, I've not spoken to her since and that was the beginning of October-I'm so glad she lives over 200 miles away


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## kellyloup (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi Foxy, that's bloody awful!!!
Speaking from experience, I hope you make it up with her though- maybe email her this over.... http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Some people really just don't get it, do they!!! aarrgggghhhhh!!!  x

/links


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Foxy,

I can't beleive your sis said that to you!!  some people just don't think do they,  I was told once that I should feel lucky to be fun aunty Bunnie and can give the child back when it poos or cries!  I was not amused, especially as this friend was the one who came with me when I was first told I might not be able to have children!

sending hugs to all


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Thanks kellyloup! Its so true! One of my friends said that to me in an "I'm fed up of hearing about it" sort of way, Just realx and don't think about it-it'll never happen whilst you're stressing-then that same friend was panicking and getting tests after "trying" for 6 months. Thing is she's nearly 6 months now (After I gave her advice on TTC and fertile days and what OV signs to look for-she conceived within 3 months-typical huh?)and sits by me at work and she moans about the pregnancy constantly-I want to kick her!   

That's awful Bunnie    I know some folk don't know what to say, but trying to make you feel better about not having a baby is the worst!

Luckily I have a very supportive friend, on here actually, we've known each other for 16yrs, she's gone through ICSI herself and has been a tremendous help. I feel more happy for her pregnancy than for anyone else as she knows the struggle and heartache-and she does have two pretty damn cute wee boys


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Foxy,

It's true, that was among one of the more tame things she said, needless to say we don't talk anymore as she got pregnant after a one night stand and was asking me for advice on abortions.  I walked away as calmly as I could and have never seen her since!

Like you I do have some supportive friends and it was actually one who inspired to come on here too.

x x x


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

I admire your restraint-I'd have slapped her round her chops!


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Ha haaaaaa now that was a laugh I needed!! x x


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

I just thought some of my friends/colleagues were more insensitive than the norm but obviously not reading all this!  I genuinely think people just have no idea at all of the heartache and stress involved in this - after 5 years TTC you'd think I be used to how thick (let's call a spade a spade  ) can be but I'm still astounded day in and day out.

I totally agree btw Fidwb - I have a few friends who once they had kids, it's the only topic of conversation, only thing they put on ** etc and I actually think it's quite sad.  Of course you should love your kids, want to talk about them etc etc but you're also a person with your own identity and if you have nothing else outside of your children, one day they're going to leave home and then what do you and your other half have then if your relationship has consisted of nothing else?  What will you even talk about?  You've got to have some type of life/personality of your own.  My opinion anyway for what it's worth!


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Irish,

I don't think we ever get used to it, we just learn who is important to listen to and who isn't.  It does shock me when people are like it but I've learnt who my real friends are throughout this process.

I agree too and if the miracle ever does happen for me, be it pregnancy or adoption I will never forget how I got there and certainly wont forget who I am.  After all I have a life and one of worth with great people in it, why should I forget that!

x x x


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

A colleague just came over to me (who knows about my treatment) to tell me about a Christmas lunch that was planned when I was in a meeting. I said I wouldn't be here as it'll be the week I'll be in Scotland for EC and ET (live in Belfast but treatment is in Glasgow) and her response was 'oooohhhh how exciting' - said laughing with a big grin. Well, em, no, not really. Would *YOU* be excited about having to put yourself through something so physically and emotionally challenging, which has a high risk of failure, for something that is the most natural thing in the world to most couples (including her, as she already has a child). Yeah, that's right, didn't think so


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Some folk just think its easy.


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Sorry-antoher rant!

I am SICK and TIRED of folk saying about the cats and babies. They will NOT sleep on the baby, they will NOT scratch the baby, they will NOT steal their milk (be pretty hard as I plan on breast feeding). They will NOT try and get in their cot (they won’t be able to jump that high-they’re 16yr old!). They WON’T be jealous as I don’t plan on ignoring them and there’s 2 of us-enough love and attention to go round. Fed UP to the back teeth!


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Ha Foxy - haven't actually had too much of that but if I do I'd be annoyed too!  I'm sure I'll still be able to give my two cats a cuddle to make sure they're not ignored!!


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Its driving me nuts. My 2 are my fur babies and just because I'll have a human baby doesn't mean I'll ignore them. If you have a child already, do you ignore that child when you have a new baby? Well, that's what I'd want to say. I am trying not to explode expletives over them, but its becoming increasingly difficult-I blame the drugs


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## Foxybaby (Dec 18, 2006)

Oh-I've just noticed your EC-that'll be my 1st scan date-would've been my second but I'm delayed by a few days duee to AF not showing up on time for the Prostap injection. Fingers crossed you get a good batch


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Thank you!  All looks good so far so   !! Good luck for your scan x


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## AmyHF (Mar 9, 2012)

I had one friend who knew we were trying and having issues, when she fell pregnant she didn't know how to tell me, and so she left it and left it. I was told by another friend who also knew, very tactfully I must say, as she didnt want me to suddenly find out surrounded by people so she mentioned it at the end of an evening at hers, just before we left.

Anyway, the pregnant friend then forgot that she hadn't told me, so the first time she actually mentioned it to me was when she text me to invite me to the baby shower! I think she was trying so hard to be sensitive etc that it kinda back-fired. I have never mentioned it to her tho, as it would probably upset her!


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## casey7 (Jan 25, 2012)

hi to all

            Thot id joint the rant, what ive read its shocking that this people do this, do they ever think about other people!! i have a few insensitive friends, co workers and in-laws. i wish the could someone could explain how difficult this journey is, and it was never a choice. anyway hear it goes after my 2nd ectopic one of my co workers told me' well your still young its not like you cant have any'. my jaw hit the floor i was speechless. is this person sane? then another fell pregs after i had my 2nd failed cycle the same woman who had made the silly comment last time had continued to ask me the day i got back to work after failed cycle, how is ?? pregnancy? yes she knew why i was off work. so i calmly asked her are you being serious asking me after whats happened to me her answer was i think you need counselling, if it was not for wanting to keep my job i think could have punched her. we do not talk anymore!!. in-laws well,  where do i start, saying silly things like you cant be doing it right.  do these people even know how babies are made or understand i can not conceive on my own.! when i was very down about failed 2nd cycle i mentioned about thinking about adoption i was immediately shot down but the sister who has 2 kids and the mother we wont accept that as our own, i am still very deeply hurt by that.  friends say hurtful things so i have just distanced myself from them. i feel this way they cant hurt me, its just so hard when everyone else is moving on in there life and your still stuck here. 
  for us all because i know we will all be very good mummys on day please just give us the chance. lots of love    to every one


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