# Recovering alcoholic/bulimic and infertility



## A J (Oct 2, 2011)

Hi all,

Just wondering if there is anyone out there struggling with the same??

I haven't had a drink for 6 years (a day at a time) but am so full of regrets that the years of my drinking and food abuse has stolen my fertility. 

It has been hard dealing with infertility in the last few years but always come across posts of ladies who commiserate with a drink/ box of chocs or whatever is their choice of comfort. I'm not able to do that... can anyone understand where I'm coming from?

AJ xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Hi AJ

Please don't beat yourself up about your past    

Well done on staying sober for 6 years, that's fantastic.

I also had an eating disorder many years ago.  A mixture of bulimia and anorexia really, going to the gym like mad and not eating for days and then 'getting rid' of what i did eat.  I was never dangerously ill/thin but about 3 or so stone less that what i am now. However, I think that now i've actually got as healthy, if not more healthy, attitude towards food than most women i know.  i would make a generalisation that the majority of women have some kind of issue with food and body image/weight.

i have also been a heavy drinker for most of my life, that's just how it was with the friends i grew up with, we went to pubs when we were 12! can't imagine any of nieces of that age going into a pub or getting served! 

i have no idea whether the abuse i have done to myself has caused me issues, perhaps it has, but thinking like that and hating myself even more than i have at times won't help me now and wouldn't have done me any favours when i started out on this journey.  but i know it's advice that easy to give but not easy to take.  it was during/because of this journey that i reached rock bottom (i also suffer from depression - might as well make it a hat trick!) after my first DE attempt that resulted in mc,  but slowly (very slowly) i managed to drag myself out of that black hole and thankfully my next tx worked so there was still some hope.

infertility is a horrendous affliction that can affect anyone and everyone whether they've been tee total and eaten mung beans all their life or snorted cocaine and eaten macdonalds every day.... there really is no rhyme or reason to it so please please don't blame yourself as it really won't help where you are now.  try and focus on the positives and give yourself a huge pat on the back that you've turned your life around when many don't/can't.  

PM me if you want to talk some more.

hang in there, you're doing so well and just need to realise it.

GGx


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Agree with Greatgazza honey, you can't beat yourself up about it.

Like with anything related to infertility I think we all think it's because we are/were underweight, overweight, drank too much, ate too much, didn't eat enough, don't exercise enough, exercise too much, smoked ****, smoked a joint, took illegal substances, were promiscuous etc etc (p.s. I wasn't all those things...maybe some  

The thing is it just happens sometimes, and even the most clean living perfect person can have problems. Obviously doing "naughty" things whilst ttc is wrong, but in the past is in the past. You have come so far and the crappy bits are what have made you the person you are today. Not one person on this planet can honestly say they have never done one thing that they weren't regretful of, but it's how you deal with it and you have dealt with it great.

Be proud of where you are now in your life. This place you are in now is hard, and I totally get what you mean. I used to binge and purge on both alcohol and food and now have different comforts (a nice coffee and a piece of cake, an hour in the bath with a cuppa and a good book). Find your comfort whatever it may be (a film, a trip out, getting pampered) and when things are bad just be proud of yourself for how far you have come xxx


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## A J (Oct 2, 2011)

Greatgazza and Cloudy....thank you both so much for your replies. You have helped me so much as have been on a bit of a downer the last few weeks especially.

It is hard not blaming myself for what I have put my body through. I have only met DH in recovery and never wanted babies before then...just wish it had all happened a few years earlier as my body clock has ticked far too fast.
Still...Im not giving up yet. All I can do is look after myself now and take advice from clinics. I have never been told specifically that I have done any actual damage that could have caused my infertility and run of m/c's but I do believe myself that I have certainly not helped.

Thank you again 
AJ xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Glad it helped a bit AJ.

Do you have/did you have any counselling to help with your issues? i am on anti-depressants and have regular counselling which i believe really helps.  i'm very much a pessimist and a glass half empty gal but i'm really trying to look at the positives and not the negatives.  our default mode always seems to be to blame ourselves but you really have no idea if what you have done in the past has had any impact on your fertility so why think like that? there are plenty of junkies out there who pop out babies addicted to smack or whatever and never ever turn things round like you have so please try and see how well you've done cos many couldn't manage what you have.  Glad you're not giving up.  there are many of us who wish we'd started this journey earlier but we had no idea that we had hurdles to face but all we can do is deal with where we are now and try and 'live in the moment' (something i struggle to do but we can't change the past or the future so i'm working really hard on that)

have you looked into immune issues and other things like that? what tests have you had?

GGx


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## MrsPootle (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi A J,

MrsP here... you know me from the other thread.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down, I hope that you are feeling a bit better a month on.

I know what you mean about having some regrets and I often think did my heavy drinking between 18-34 put me in this position?  Is it because I'm a stressy person that I can't relax enough to conceive?  Why did I put my career before trying for so long?  Why did I wait? Is being overweight the problem too?  Why me?

But as others have said - sometimes these things happen.  I think the important thing is the here and now.  I rarely drink these days (mainly because of the fact I want children and I am embarrassed that I acted like a teenager for so long tbh) but I'm happier than I used to be whilst binging.  I have had counselling a few years back (mainly cos I'm a workaholic) and I understand better what makes me tick, what makes me happy...

I like a good book (currently reading 50 Shades of Grey to get my va-va-voom back in the bedroom - lol), chocolate, walks and sometimes, I want a drink, but I don't have it as I realise it's an emotional response rather than really wanting the taste.  You are an amazingly special person to have overcome what you have.  You should be very proud of yourself.  

I know what you mean about the 'consolation' times - many friends of mine say rubbish such as 'oh your IVF failed but at least you can have a glass of wine' or 'what you need is a big night out'.  Well, actually, no I won't have a glass, because I know that it will just remind me that it's failed and because I'm down, I may well drink the entire bottle!  Instead I find that, however cruel it sounds - I respond 'a glass of wine won't replace the grief that it's failed' or 'actually, it's the last thing I need, I'm hurting' - this way, they don't say it twice.

If you ever want to PM me, feel free - I'm a good listener (despite lengthy rambling forum responses to the contrary)!!! 

Lots of love and hugs  

MrsP
xx


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## A J (Oct 2, 2011)

Ladies...I'm just reading through your replies and it is so comforting that there are others who understand where I'm coming from. I get my bad days which can be really bad but then come the days of realisation that I can do something about my life now and that dwelling on the past will not get me anywhere.
I have had loads of councelling over the past 6 years since turning my life around and DH and I are having fertility councelling atm. I do struggle as I am such an emotional person and find it hard that DH already had 2 children and all that goes with that... 

I really did live life in the fast lane for many years and it is only really through my struggle with infertility that I have 'grown up' but at 42 its hard realising that life would be so different if only....here I go again!!!

No...I'm going to be positive. I'm about to start a new cycle. Unfortunately it has to be a donor egg, but whatever it takes...

Thank you so much for sharing with me,

AJ xxx


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