# New Board



## Mel (Jan 1, 2002)

Here is a new board for those people who have children but are now deciding to move on.

Hope this helps some of you to 'belong' somewhere.

Mel
x


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Thanks Mel... Ooh its kinda quiet here   

Ok Well I after ttc since 2004 I have had complications after strong doses of clomid and am now awaiting a womb ablation, still trying to get my head round it as I went to consultant to try and get my dream, but am ending up with the "modern hysterectomy" instead..feeling very sad and like my dream has been stolen from me, is there anyone who is/has been through this kind of thing?


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi Crazy Fi

It's miserable to have secondary infertility and after ttc for a while the dream gets further and further away, making you make decisions not just for yourself and partner but for your children too.  I now have to focus on my husband and family and make the most of life and maybe that miracle may happen, maybe it won't.....  I know we won't be having any more tx (unless we have a major win on the lottery! when i can remember to buy a ticket!)  I am sad, and dh will never have a biological child but he's ok with it, if he can live with it so must i...

Think of the future, it can only get better  

Jan27 xx


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Sounds like my experience is similar to yours regarding history, my DD's are grown up now (prev mariage)
and I dreamed of a child with my DH, but fate has taken it away from me, just trying to keep my chin up at mo, whilst awaiting op, really dont want op but after two scarey biopsies and the wait,after the "c" word being mentioned by consultant it could have been worse, and DH so woried next time I wont be so lucky, so is adament I go for ablation.... Says as much as hed love a child he wants to keep me more, so yes like you say you have to consider those
around you, not just what we yearn for ..... but its all just so final, while I had hope the void didnt feel so empty

And yes Im trying to focus on my "now" blessings... and just want this over so I can grieve, shut the door and move on, but feeling angry and just getting my head round it all 2 steps forward one step back kinda stage at the mo though....  

Hope you get that lotto win


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## jeeves (Jun 30, 2006)

This is an interesting board.  I have a daughter of 6 and I am 46. I lost a child when I was 37 following  amniocentesis  and  because  of poor treatment at the time,  I developed an massive infection, which rendered me infertile. My daughter appeared between two ectopic pregnancies, one in each fallopian tube. Incredible luck ...a miracle......Since then I have had IVF at ARGC, donor treatment in Spain, reflexology and a trip to Lourdes ,all hoping directly or indirectly  for another baby  and most importantly a sibling for my daughter. I have a good job, a not fantastic relationship and a most wonderful child.........but I feel sick with guilt and at the same time, I know the most important thing to my daughter must be that I  survive into her adulthood, and that should be  my priority.............Also work takes up a lot of attention. I feel weighed down with guilt. I feel it would be healthier with more children around, but I have started to look and feel old and even if I had another child now I would be almost seventy by the time they were adults. If my relatives even knew what I was thinking.........But I am reduced almost to tears at times of the thought of my daughter alone in later life. I know this is not rational but it is a deep fear and one I take almost 100% responsibility for, because the fault is mine.............  I do think I should give up and then be cheerful and not regret things ....but it is hard to do.


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Giving up is so hard isnt it  
Interesting you should say that I am now having to have my womb ablation, due to poor treatment from my
PCT..hence my anger at the mo...
I am 43 and have had to weigh up similar justifications, if I had been blessed in conceiving. Its easy for others to judge, but parents can die at any age sadly for many reasons, and I felt so long as I was reasonably fit, there was no reason I should not ttc, although I did decide to give it a "stop time". I would have been 59 when my child had hit 16 say, and I wonder if that child if asked if they were glad that they were alive would have said anything other 
than yes...I bet your DD will say the same. 
We have a stable loving relationship, financial comfort and a world full of love for them, like you say its an individual
choice..pros and cons with age and wisdom...
I was blessed with 2 DD's in a "last life" but my arms are empty now, they are grown and the craving is so real isnt it..
My heart aches so bad knowing Ill never smell, touch my baby or have a place to put all this love I have had waiting for him/her.
By the way I too am an only child and there are many benefits to that too.. dont know if any of my comments help, as our demons are our own.
But I hope you find your peace   as I am looking for mine


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi 
I think this board is a fab idea, as it is so hard to come to terms with not having another child when we have been blessed before.
It will hopefully give some of us a sense of "belonging" 
Fi  how are you my lovely? You know where I am if you fancy a natter, maybe we can meet up in the chatroom soon for a  Hope the op goes ok, am thinking of you hunni 
Jan & Bridget welcome to the board, am sure we'll all benefit from chatting to each other and getting much needed support.
Sending you all huge 
Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Im getting there Mrs Chaos, its just getting the adjustment in your head isnt it.... My head a bit like a filing cabinet at the moment, trying to put all my emotions in the right files to rest lol, mood swings galore going on in my pad, poor DH ... am back on here gablbing away now so must be feeling  a bit better   Guess I wont really know where Im at til op is done and it hits home... Nearly ran, (easy option) but decided to stay with my virtual friends if I can   xx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Fi 
I know how difficult it is moving on...that's after the deciding part...which is just as difficult isn't it 
I know we decided a few years ago to not go any further but then I plunged into depression and talked myself into carrying on. Tx is not an option for us due mainly to financial (thanks to dh's divorce) and to be honest as we are classed as 2ndry unex our Consultant said he was not sure which option tx wise, would be more suitable...as there are no apparent issues with either of us. I think that is the most infuriating thing in all of this for us  Dh has a dd, I have a ds, yet here we are 12 yrs down the line and it just isn't happening.
I don't think people realise (with IF in general) what an impact it has on you as a person, for me as a woman, and more so a mother to a child already.
People (generally speaking) assume we didn't want a child together, and then the stupid comments like how awful we are for making my ds an only child! If only they knew of the heartache eh!  

I think the only way I am able to move forward and be happy with my life (which I am, of course I know I am incredibly lucky to have had my ds) is to focus on the positive. 
If I am honest, I don't think I will ever come to terms with being a mum to one child, as I always assumed I'd have 4 or 5 children...or at least one with my dh. I get my down days, especially when someone close to me is pg (quickly, unplanned or with such ease going on to have their 3rd or 4th...) and some days it is hard.
All I do is talk to my dh, and my FF buddies. Most of my family are useless to be honest, and it frustrates me that they can't seem to grasp how devastating this has been for us; me, my dh and my ds over the years. I felt like some kind of embarrassment to my mum especially (who has 4 children) and who once said to me how "awkward" it was for her when someone asked when I was having another child! I told her to tell them I have 2ndry IF and she nearly collapsed!  She said it was too awkward to discuss! (Like it isn't bloody awkward for me and my dh!) 

At least here we can all vent and reach out for that friendly shoulder, and support each other can't we 
The hardest part for me is (and I've said this times before)  the fact my ds is now getting older, and the sense of redundancy is immense. I loved being a mummy to a child who needed me to tie his laces, cut his food up, bath him, play cars with him and watch Thomas the Tank Engine for the 10th time in a day   and it is those special little moments that I miss sooooooo much. It's only when my ds is poorly now or injured from some kamikaze rugby tackle that I feel needed as much, and boy do I relish it! (I drive him mad I suspect as I go OTT!) 

We're all here for each other, which is what matters, so no legging it missus!  I need you here as do the other girls  If nothing else, we are the Sages of FF  

Sending you all huge 

Lotsa love
Gayn
XX


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Yes, the deciding part is very hard, as you then have to take responsibility for your decision... My deciding 
port was those around me.... I can imagine you did plunge into a depression   ..and worry about that too.. especially
once theyve "killed" my womb so to speak,but Ive taken on board, my small odds anyhow, the risks and the fear of the
comeback of this and not being so lucky next time.... I think its so awful that finances have to be a deciding option for you..
Why do they use our terrible yearnings to make money, its so wrong.. I know it costs, but what they charge is ludicrous..
Yes I agree there is also the impact on not feeling a woman, I have discussed this with DH, once they have done the op, I am scared
I will feel incomplete too... And just hoping my emotions dont go down hill from then... Been down that road before, and its horrible depression, it feels like your alone in a black hole and youll never get out... 

And as for those tactless inconsiderate people ... well  

I too am trying really hard to focus on the positive, but am aware that I musnt supress the hurt as it comes out with a vengeance doesnt it..
Trying to deal with emotions each day head on, and I try to remember that I could have had a different biopsy result and that would have been awful beyond words.. so I am still very lucky...And yes its ironic at times like these how all you do is pass/ bump into pregnant women and babies.. salt in the wound picks its moments  
Its also such a sensitive subject,as some people are yet to have their first and it can cause resentments to hear us vent our pain.. but Its that old cliche of until weve walked in each others shoes... and trying to be aware of the feelings of people around us, as we hope they can us... So Im really glad to have this thread 

And yes totally understand the sense of "redundancy" my oldest is 23 and my youngest turned 19 yesterday, thats what I meant bythe empty arms..
And even my youngest who I still see as my baby    gets annoyed with me if I try to get close to her, as shes at the "adults are ogres and my friends know all I need to know stage"  .. SO gonna go on this holiday and hope it recharges our tired batteries, six months of this bleeding and pain has taken its toll then I may have more rational positive energy to spend on looking at our de toured future...

I am so blessed with some dear sincere lifelong friends, 2 lovely "if grown and dont need their mum" DD's and the most beautiful strong man after 20 yrs with the wrong ones.. And thats what I am using as my foundations for the future, 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I really do love this site and have made some good friends which I hope stems further than ships in the night on this ttc journey.....  loads of hugs


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Hello ladies

We were fortunate enough to have our DD who was born 4 months ago, and I am grateful to be a mum at all, but I do regret that we won't be able to have any more children.  I also worry about what will happen to Lizzie when we are no longer around - obviously, we thought about this when deciding to have children later in life, but the goalposts have moved because she has special needs.  Lizzie has several cousins, who I hope will look out for her later in her life, but cousins are not the same as siblings.  My DH and I are both very close to our siblings (my sister was my egg donor for Lizzie), and I feel sorry that Lizzie won't be able to have that experience in her life.  Unfortunately, there is no prospect of us having any more children, but I feel quite relieved that I won't have to do any more IVF.

I do keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have Lizzie at all - we were on our last go of IVF and it could easily not have worked, but it is hard when you hear of people on their 4th or 5th child, or mothers of other babies in my mothers' group discussing how long they will wait before they try for no2.  It's also difficult because our one and only child has special needs, and I may not be able to do some of the things with her that I had always thought my child would do.  But then I look at Lizzie, who is lovely, and think of all those people who have had to give up on having children at all.  I guess it's just something you learn to live with.

Anyway, good luck to those of you who are still trying
Essex Girl x


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Lizzie is absolutely beautiful... You must be so happy, although there are comlpications and worries 
for the future ... what a lovely Sister to do that to help you reach your dream .... I appreciate your concerns that
you may not be able to do all the things with her that you had thought your child would do, it must be bitter sweet 
sometimes... But she will bring you happiness and times youll remember forever for many other reasons too as
Im sure you know.. but its good that you can come on here and vent your fears/ worries, Ive found this new thread 
interesting, it just seems to have gone a bit quiet again .... but its interesting to hear that we all have such individual stories to tell..
you sound like you have a lovely supportive network around you too, xx


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi all,

I have been a bit busy lately but have keep managing to read if not time to post.  Hope eeryone ok

jan


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

How long has this been here? 
We have one beautiful daughter Emily through surrogacy who will be 18 months old on Sunday.
We also have a son Eddie who was stillborn and would be 7 this year.
I cannot have any more children myself, and unless we win the lottery, and can move into a bigger house we will not be doing surrogacy again.
My baby is not a baby anymore, and I wonder how old she will have to get before she asks for a brother or sister. I really hate the idea of her growing up alone, and all her cousins are miles away.
She is a very sociable little girl, and has friends at nursery and playgroup, but I have found that their Mums are less sociable to me, with one or two exceptions.
What I try to do with Emily is cherish each stage as it comes, even the temper tantrums   , as I know this is going to be my only chance to experience it.
My sister is now trying for her second baby, and I am finding that hard to deal with, especially when my Mum makes thoughtless comments such as "It will be really good for Maisie to have a brother or sister", like it doesn't matter that Emily won't.
And I'm 40 tomorrow. 
Love 
EJJB
x


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

EJJB Welcome to the thread,as you can see it is very new and

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY ​
Hope you have a wonderful day

jan27 x


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

This is a great board!!!
Not quite sure that I belong here just yet. But that's just the point. I don't know if I can keep going with treatment, but when I say that out loud, I really don't want to face what that means for my beautiful dd. Life as an only child  .
Am a bit all over the place at the moment as have just found out yesterday I have m/c.
How do you ever know when enough is enough?
Anyone got any advice?
Also been mulling round adoption boards today! First time I have ever even considered that. But can't see dp going for that ever.
Hope you don't mind me posting here, seeing as I haven't decided whether to move on yet?

Love Cindersxxx


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Happy birthday EJJB ..... 40 yrs young    Im 43 and in my head Im about 25


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Cinders - I'm so sorry to hear about your m/c    It is so cruel having got so far and then to find it is not to be.  I guess you will be going through a range of thoughts at the moment, but do take time to recover physically at least before you start trying to decide where to go next.  

All the best
Ruth (Essex Girl) x


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi Ruth,
I am a bit all over the place at the mo. You are right, I need to get over this first!
But thankyou,
Loving the picture of your little princess  .
Love Cindersxxx


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Hi Cinders, missed your post we must have posted at same time , so sorry to hear such sad news, totally agree
with Essex girls reply, you need time to grieve before you make any decisions, you must be going through so many
emotions right now. a m/c is so heartbreaking .... here any time you want to chat or simply vent your feelings,,


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

This is the board for me. I have lurked on "peer support" and "trying for another miracle" mainly in the past.

We are at the end of the journey. We have had a successful IVF cycle in 2005 and dd is now 2.  It has been hard because friends met through the NCT are now having their second. Our attempt at FET failed and I did not respond to a further cycle (no eggs produced). My AMH is so low that the Lister told us to give up and enjoy our daughter (or have egg donation). I am not prepared to have egg donation because I think we have been lucky enough to have one child and it seems unfair to others who have never had that luck and need donor eggs more than we do. It has been very hard to hear that we can't have another try at IVF at least, however it is so expensive and the odds of success so low.

I haven't truly given up. I am still measuring BBT and using OPKs but know that realistically my endo and dh's very low sperm count make it v v unlikey that we will have number 2. I guess that although we have given up IVF, I am still in the process of truly giving up. I am giving up with optimism.  I am now reaching the stage where when AF arrives I can feel a little relief at not being pregnant. Having one 2 year old is hard work, a newborn at the same time would be nightmarish. I was an only child so the thought of dd being an only doesn't upset me in the slightest. If we have only one child we can give her everything emotionally and financially. Spoilt rotten (just like I was  ).

But I do still want another child and I know there is nothing rational about the need for another child. Today I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor so I can't really be very rational at all........ 

I would like to meet others who like me are slowly coming to terms with still being infertile despite successful treatment.


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi girls

I think I belong here.... I have 2 children from a previous relationship.... have had 2 IVF/ICSI cycles, the first was as an egg sharer/donor, it ended at egg collection for me.. I only produced 6 eggs (you need at least 8 to share) so I made the desision to donate them all.  My second cycle I got  BFP, scan showed one little heatbeat..... I miscarrried 4 weeks ago.... I was very ill after the treatment, and very very very ill during the pregnancy... (I suffer terribly in pregnancy as it is)  this time though was awful, I couldnt stand up, DH had to carry me up the stairs to use the loo, as for getting washed there was no way i could get in the bath or stand in the shower.....  anyway, after the miscarriage we decided that was it for us, it was very hard (still is) for me to acept its over, as I really wanted to make my DH the daddy he so deserves to be, he is a wonderful dad to my daughter (shes 8yrs old) but its just not the same as having your own children, he doesnt see it like that though, he said he could never watch me go through what i went through with this treatment and the awful sickness etc i suffered, he says hes happy with the family he has already...... so thats the end of the 'ttc' road for us... now its just coming to terms with the decision..... its very hard.  Its taken me a month to decide to look for a 'moving on' type board to post in....  so here I am    

Ann Marie xxxx


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

ikklesmiler
I can totally relate to how you feel, I too have 2 grown children from previous, and I so wanted us to have "our" child
...and my D/H also has the attitude that he doesnt want to see me going through any more, as 6 months of awful 
pain and non stop heavy bleeding have taken their toll too... he says hes scared, as we had to wait for two biopsy results, which
was a very scary place to be each time... now I know what it is, relief its not what it could have been I must admit..he is adamant I have this operation next
month which will render me infertile for good... I am still in floods of tears on and off at the thought of it
being all over, and us not having that child to share, so I honestly can so empathise with you.. The op will be so
final,but like you say its the coming to terms which is the hardest bit...

spjulac
I too am an only child, and there are many benefits, but again its along slow road to accepting, and hopefully this thread will allow to share our thoughts and feelings and support each other....lets hope we can gain clarity by sharing our feelings..


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hello ladies,
Just thought I would mention there is a thread on the relationships board about being an only child. There is some very positive feedback on there, I found some comfort in it.
Sorry, should have checked out the address before posting! Hope you find it.
Love Cindersxxx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi ladies
it's good to see more of you post, as I'm sure we all feel the same 
I'm in the middle of sorting out some chat evenings/days for my other boards, but would like to suggest some time in chat for us? It's hard sometimes to put down in words (especially on a public board) how we feel, so if any of you would like an opportunity to chat in the chat room, give me a shout  Either here or pm me 
Looking forward to getting to know you all.
Lotsa love 
Gayn
XX


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Crazy Fi .....Im so sorry you have to go through this hun, its just awful, thanks for your message too, I hope I can offer you some support on here when you need it, also you can PM me anytime.

Gayn....Its nice to have a board where we can talk about how we feel without feeling guilty that we already have a child as theres lots that are not even that lucky.... also yes it would be great to have chat slot for us.

Ann  Marie xxx


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

Cinders35, you must be having an awful time right now. I was really sorry to read your thread. I am thinking of you.  

I did have a look at the thread on being an only child. I was never really aware of being an only child, I just couldn't imagine having brothers or sisters and  it never occurred to me to miss having them because they weren't there. Perhaps I'm just not imaginative enough to ever envisaged having them.  I'm not sure I would have liked it if I had them (although it might have been good for me!). Its only recently I found out that my mum had multiple miscarriages, although she has never talked about it. We aren't a great family for talking about our problems.

My only worry about my dd being an only child is the huge amount of attention she gets from extended family. She is the only grandchild (and likely to remain so unless we have another, because I am an only and dh's sister has mental health problems). Although perhaps I just worry too much  

What I most hate is that I have no choices about having another. If it hadn't been for infertility we would have had another already. I do feel enormously blessed at having dd.  Again I worry that I will have spent her infancy fussing fruitlessly about having another when I should have been devoting every moment to dd. My dh recently described my obsessive BBT measuring, OPKing, and fertility surfing as my hobby. This suggest that I am not truly ready to give up yet. 

It has been worse this time around in many ways because I know now what I'm missing, and my NCT friends are now on their second and I have stopped meeting up with them because I find it hard to see them pregnant. Interestingly not so painful to see the new babies once they are born. My last meeting with them someone thrust a 12 week scan in my face to announce their pregnancy. Needless to say I haven't been back since. Which is a shame for dd as when we were meeting she had peers to play with.  It was doubly unfortunate because they also asked intrusive questions about why we weren't having any more (only weeks after non-response to third IVF cycle). 

Sorry for incoherent ramble.


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## *Lollipop* (Feb 1, 2007)

What a great idea for a board...

Gayn, how are you honey...we are ok...getting there as they say....Cinders like I said Im so sorry... 

Looking forward to meeting all you ladies...it is difficult sometimes when you are upset because you cant have another child and there are a lot of ladies on here who are ttc their first child my heart really goes out to them and I can in no way imagine what they are going through...

As you will see we are just back from Jinemed wasnt to be...so think the big man upstairs trying to tell us something looks like we are moving on too but just trying to come to terms with it and the decision made...

  ...to you all...xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sjpale (Jan 6, 2007)

Hi girls,

I really need to just talk to others in the same position at the mo. After having our DS nat in 2002 although having stage 3 endo and adhisions we have been ttc for 4+ years now and had 1 IVF tx which failed. Was told by the clinic that it was too risky to try IVF again so that was that, still held on th the chance of a nat pregnancy after all we have done it before!!!! but saw Gyne cons yesterday for a 3 month check up after lap in feb 2008 and he basicaly has told me that the endo is so bad now that i will need a hystorectomy in the next 12 months or so  . He said that the longer i put it off the more damage and the more complicated it will be. I have always been okay with having the laps ect but this has really knocked me for six and although i know deep down that i will not have more children this really is the end. DH is being great as he always is but he has now told me that he thinks a hystorectomy is now the one and only choice.

Sorry to ramble but dont know what i think at the moment, I am so grateful to have our DS and he is our world and i feel so guilty that our desire to have another child is like saying he is not enough. I have to think of him and i dont want him growing up and only seeing mummy ill.

Sarah x


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

sjpale- Hi I'm sorry to hear you might need to have a hysterectomy, I also have endo and have had 2 lots of surgery, but my symptoms are mild at the moment. Its nice to meet you!


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

sjpale - I am sorry to hear your news about the hysterectomy and I can understand why you feel the way you do.  Even if you are not intending to have any more children, it is so final, and I think any pre-menopausal woman who has to have one feels that way.  Having said that, I do know of a girl on this site who had to have a hystero at a fairly young age and who then had twins by a surrogate (though  it cost them a fortune) - I don't know if that would be a possibility for you.  

I agree with what other have said here, that the hard part is having the choice taken away from you.  Although I am very grateful to have Lizzie, I would have liked to have more, and I find it hard when I hear of people having child no 3 or 4 with no effort at all, or planning when they will have the next one, without any thought that it might not happen for them.  Life isn't fair, is it?


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## sjpale (Jan 6, 2007)

Thanks for the replys girls ,

I honestly dont know what i would have done without FF through the IVF and all of this it just helps so much to talk to others who know how you are feeling  . 

Essex girl - your right it is the fact that the choice is going to be taken away from you  and i also think that even though deep down i know we will not get another miracle while i still have my womb ect that chance is still there. 

Your little girl is just gorgous, they grow so quick, i feel sometimes i did not take every little thing in with my DS. 

Hope everyone is doing okay

sarah x


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

Hello

What a great new board.  Just dropping in to say hello, not quite at this stage yet, but very comforting to know you are here when I need you.  I have one dd, 3 years old and have been ttc number 2 for  2 years now, raised fsh.  I am having a go at IVF to see how far we get, clinic have been v good then maybe deivf, may be end of road. Already devising coping strategies and thinking of positive one child friends, how to avoid school runs, ie after schoolclubs, grandparents pickng her up etc.  Feeling better as time passes.  Great to know you are here. Should have somesort of end to this all within 12 months, as there is not a bottomless pit of money, but I feel happy that I am doing all I can.  Feeling the best I have felt in 2 years.

Best wishes to you all, and thank you

Love

Jane


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Just a quick update my journey seems to have suddenly changed, when I went in to see cons' registrar last week I fell apart and she asrranged witohut telling me for me to see my cons (who Ive only been graced to see once, usually get palmed off with her registrars).
She must have relayed what Id said to her in detail including that I hadnt been given a chance to weigh up my options with informed choices directly with cons, and that I was disgusted to find I hadnt been able to see her.She has now suggested that I have my mass of polyps removed but that I avoid ablation for now and see how it goes, she said my chances are slim due to my age and that I dont ovulate, and wont be taking any more clomid to assist, but she will put me on metformin after op to see if that helps any.. so Im kind of in shock right now, but at least I wont be having my womb burnt away next week now, so the door of hope however slight is still there... 

Hi Jane D, yes I think this board will be very helpful,good luck with the IVF xx

Hi to all


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Jane

I hope you are successful in producing no 2, but whether you do or not, please don't feel you have to avoid school runs etc.  Having just the one child is nothing to be ashamed of.  Reading the posts on this thread, there seem to be quite a few people who feel really bad about the prospect of only having one child.  Although we would not have chosen to have just the one child, we mustn't think anything less of ourselves or our children because of it, and we certainly mustn't let ourselves be intimidated by people (who may be quite well-meaning) asking if we are going to have another one.  

Fi - I'm pleased to hear about your cons' change of view and hope you can avoid the ablation.  

Hello to everyone else
Essex Girl x


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Crazy Fi!!!

Thats fantastic news hun!!!          

Im so glad youve got another chance... no matter how small another chance is fantastic!!!!

well done hun... and lots of luck             

Ann MArie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

Hello Ladies, I'm so glad I've found you (via Essex Girl).
A brief summary of where I'm at: had my lovely Lara after mercifully only 1 round of IVF following 3 years of IF. I struggled throughout the whole pregnancy from the very first month.  I was utterly exhausted. This is possibly due to the fact that 1.5 years before getting pregnant I'd had a stroke leaving me temporarily paralysed down my right hand side. Although I made a good recovery from the stroke with physiotherapy etc I was left with a considerable degree of post stroke fatigue which clearly got 100 times worse during pregnancy.

My sadness is that although I'd love another little one, and had a positive IVF experience, so would gladly go through it again, I just can't face the idea of a pregnancy again. I gained 5 stone in weight (still got the final 2 stone to lose!).  

It breaks my heart that I am deliberately condemning Lara to the 'fate' of being an only child through my own selfishness.

Would love to hear from someone else in a similar situation

LOL
Desert


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

DesertRose

Hi and welcome to this thread.  You have very good reasons for not having another baby, so you really mustn't feel you are being selfish in choosing not to have another child.  And not having another baby means that you can devote more time and effort to Lara.  It would be hard on her if you were seriously ill during another pregnancy, and from what my sisters and others have told me, the second baby is harder than the first because you already have a child who needs attention as well, so I'm sure you are doing the right thing for all of you.

I have been thinking for a while that we could do with a sub-thread about only children and our feelings about them.  I've got other things on at present (Lizzie in hospital on Thurs) but will start it when we are back if nobody else gets there first.

All the best
Essex Girl x


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## dippy3 (Oct 19, 2005)

Hi could I please join. 
I guess this is where I belong. DH and I have been together nearly 21 years and always dreamed of having lots of children. But when finding out we couldn't. We went down the route of IVF and we were so blessed with the second time working and us having our so much loved wanted DD. nearly 18 month now We tried again with our 7 frosties that were left from our second treatment but with no luck. We had a huge heart to heart many tears were shed and we decided to stop trying all together. Even naturally as trying to conceive had taken over our whole life every month the stress was awful. We decided to enjoy being a family. There are lots of people on this site who have never managed to get as far as we have. We are so lucky. As for the only child bit and them being lonely my DH and his sister have not spoken for 10 years so I guess even with lots of siblings theres never a guarantee they'll be there for each other. Both my parents died when I was in my teens and to be honest I have 3 brothers but only see 1. I have always managed to get by. 
Anyway enough rambling it is nice to be able to tell people though. 
Looking forward to getting to know you all
Love
Donna


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## *Lollipop* (Feb 1, 2007)

Hi Ladies - I just wanted to echo wat Essex girl said...

I myself have been ttc 2 child for over 11 years now and not even a sniff of a BFP...my endo cons now reckons its my fimbrae on my tubes that have been damadged ..I am now recovering from a cancelled cycle in April and a laser and Lap dye for endo in Jan....

I have been in a lot of pain after my two negative cycles of ICSI last year and you are so right you have to think about what you have been blessed with already instead of what you dont have..

Dont think my endo cons wants me to do another cycle for fear of it really messing me up inside..the fert drugs arent kind to endo either, especially clomid and I was in a lot of pain 2002 after doing these cycles....my dh wants to do another IVF cycle but we have to look at the whole picture...after a lot of soul searching we have decided to emigrate and see what life brings us...the question is do I carry on with treatment and risk my own health against maybe not getting a postive result anyway..I really dont want my ds to grow up with a mum who is poorly because she put herself through numerous attempts of IVf to try and concieve a sibling..Im sure he would be just as happy with a healthy mummy...this is helping me get through the days so far...like everything is always subject to change but like someone else said...I really feel for all the ladies on here who are trying for their first miracle..my heart really goes out to them and I wish them all the luck in the world...I once said to my ff on here I would give all my chances so that some of my ff on here could experience the joys of motherhood...even that one time...take care my friends... 

I also think a thread for only children would be a big help too as it may take away those feelings of guilt that we experience from time to time...see what you think....xxxxxxxxx ....


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## Laura1973 (May 8, 2008)

This sub-board is great ... really glad to have found it ... and glad to see lost of only children's mummy's.  

i am 34, dh 38, ds 3 1/2.  i have been trying ttc2 for 2 years but with hiccups along the way :

- ds born nov 2004
- brain tumour removed feb 2006
- after ttc 9months pg with dd nov 2006
- dd stillborn may 2007
- ttc since then and told got elevated fsh levels so 2ndry infertility
- 2 iui (bfn)

i am going to go for 3rd iui then ivf but funds are not good and we may have to stop due to funds.

the guilt i feel for having an only is very hard so i am glad to see others in the same boat.  i'm hoping to keep ttc but realistically, emotionally and financially it is a huge drain and actually takes away from my ds whom i adore.  he is my world and i am lucky to have him.

thank you for setting this board up and i look forward to getting to know you better.

Laura
x


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Laura,
Nice to hear from you.
I am in a similar position to you in that my son was stillborn in February 2001, and I was advised not to go through any more pregnancies.
Our beautiful daughter was born through surrogacy, but we won't be having any more children that way, for financial reasons.
It is hard to think that our daughter will grow up alone, but you are right in saying that you have to think yourself lucky for even having one child, especially after the experience of losing one.
I hope you are coping with the anniversary of your daughters death ok.
Love
EJJB (my son's initials)
x


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## Guest (May 14, 2008)

hi all

Hope you dont mind me posting here!

I have 2 DD ellie following a course of Clomid then chloe who was a surprise 

I was advised during my second pregnancy not to consider a 3 rd pregnancy as my blood pressure was dangerously high during both pregnancies and I am allergic to one of the bp tablets they use in the trust where the girls were born, this obviously limited the treatment available . After much consideration I was sterilised during my c section. As much as I realise I would be putting myself at risk to go through another pregnancy it hurts so much to know there will never be another baby'!!!!!! I think this has contributed hugely to my post natal depression.

Sorry if this offends anyone as the sterilization wasnt the only option but couldn't risk my girls losing their mum during another pregnancy x


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi ladies
sorry have been awol for a bit been busy and now recovering from the dreaded lurgy.
So nice to see more of us posting, although sad we have reached this point in our lives, for whatever reason.
There have been some very difficult journeys for some of us, and I think it is nice we have a special place to be able to chat freely and give and receive support  whatever our journey has been.
I totally agree that for those of us with one child to not feel guilty about our child having no siblings, but I personally have not chose this dx, and was desperate for more children for my dh and I, as well as my ds.
I think you just learn to cope and get on with your life, and especially seeing the heartache on FF when so many are yet to acheive number 1  it makes you feel more blessed doesn't it.
My ds has had his last day at school today  only back now for his GCSEs and I've been dreading this day for so long now  
It just seems like the final chapter of his "childhood" is now drawing to a close and it makes me feel quite sad...and ancient  

It seems like a million years ago that I was dealing with a boisterous toddler, doing the nursery run and then school run, time certainly flies by doesn't it 

Am here for you if I can help in any way, and am going to organise a special chat session (date/time TBA) where we can all meet up and have a  If you have any suggestions about preferred times or days please let me know, I am quite flexible 

Sending you all huge  and 
Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

Hello everyone! Laura and EJJB- I cannot imagine the sadness you have gone through to loose your babies to stillbirth. Thinking about it leaves me almost breathless with emotion.

Mrs Chaos- I agree time is passing too quickly. My dd is still a toddler, but I can imagine that nursey, primary, secondary and the VIth form will rush past. I want time to stop, but its lovely to watch her develop and grow, to see her remembering the fun things we have done and looking forward to the future.

I worry about dd all the time. Every disaster I read about, stabbing on the street and child illness leaves me worrying how I would cope without her if anything happened to her. I still see her as a miracle I'm barely entitled to enjoy. A sibling would NEVER be a substitute for her, but perhaps I would worry less about her? (More likely have more to worry about in reality  though ).

If I'm "moving on" would I still be reading FF? We are still actively trying at the moment and AF late this week, but BFN. Can still hope though, others have had surprises despite being told that there is no further hope.

Great to talk. DH supportive but bored by endless concern about no more babies.


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi ladies,

I have been posting on the secondary thread now for about 2 years.  I have one gorgeous ds (conceived naturally within 3 months) who is 5 years old and such a lovely boy.  I have adored being a mum and feel very privelged to have had the chance to be one.  We have been ttc for about 2 and a bit years now with no joy.  After a couple of operations, a mc at 10 weeks last September then a failed IVF cycle in Feb I am slowly coming to the conclusion that we are just not meant to have any  more children.

We have decided no more tx for now as we just don't have the money or the strength to get through another failed cycle and the likelihood of me ever conceiving naturally is so slim I feel like I would be more likely to win the lottery!  

For the most part I have been feeling fairly strong about it all, and like I am slowly coming to terms with my family being just us three.  We have a fantastic family life and I really want to enjoy it before my ds grows up.  I don't want him to see his mummy crying on a regular basis as I worry about the effect it will have upon him.  By the same token I worry about him being an only child.  Deep down, I know he will be ok, but it's just not what I wanted for him.

So I find myself now trying to accept that this is the end of the road for us.  Most of the time I'm ok with it and am so grateful for what I've got (You only need to read the primary infertility to feel that), but then I spend time with all my friends who have had their second, third etc and family who are going on now to plan for their next ones and I just feel it's all so unfair.  I cried myself to sleep last night because of it.

So I think this board is a good place for me to post?  Am I in the right place?  

Thanks for listening

Pand


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi ladies
Pand, I know we have "spoken" on the 2ndry thread and I know how rough this all is for you 
Moving on is possibly one of the hardest things we have to deal with, and I think it is personal to us all.
Looking at the many journeys the ladies on here have faced, there is no clear cut way on how to deal with it. Whether your decision to move on has been made for you due to circumstances/dx etc, or one that you have decided yourself, we all share the same heartache...that we won't be a mummy again 
Dh and I agonised for a long time before we decided, and I won't lie it tested us to the limit. That feeling that there was something missing was overwhelming 
He's a fantastic step-dad to my ds and I longed to hold our baby in my arms and experience the "thrills and spills" of raising "our" child together...but it simply was not meant to be.

I know FF has saved me on many an occasion from going totally  and my friends on here have helped me through some of the darkest times. 
Sad as it sounds, I have no-one in the "real world" who understands how difficult it has been for my dh and I (and my ds as he had his own desire for a sibling). My family and friends in the real world, as good as they are have no idea whatsoever how this has affected me as a woman, as a mother and a wife.

I'm waiting to become an Aunty again in a couple of weeks and it is crippling me. My sil has been most understanding in all honesty, and she has never rubbed my nose in it bless her, and I know once the baby is here I will fall in love with it, as I did with her dd, but at the moment...I am dreading it  

I hate myself sometimes because my IF has altered me...it has changed me in a way no-one can see...the deep emotional hurt that consumes you beyond belief...and because it can't be fixed with a bandage or plaster and is thus "invisible"...no-one can acknowledge it is there...only those who have walked a mile in our shoes can truly understand.
I have gone through times of total despair over the past 12 years, and the rollercoaster of emotions has ranged from sadness, heartache, anger, jealousy (when someone gets pg so easily) and I have at times, wanted to run away from myself, as I haven't liked what I had become  but (and I don't know when or how) eventually it gets easier...or you get more immune...am not sure which 

I can relate to you not wanting your ds to see you so upset  Hard as you try kids aren't daft and they do pick up on your moods and sadness. 
The hardest thing I found (and still do if I'm honest) is that I wanted to put time on hold...to not let my ds grow up...and it was hard as hell to not be this overbearing, paranoid, over protective mum  Whilst he needed me to cut the crust off his sandwiches, and bath him, and tie his laces I felt useful. I have said this times (maybe ought to have this on my sig)  but the worst part is the overwhelming sense of redundancy as they grow up 

If I had one piece of advice to give to anyone going through 2ndry IF, I wish I'd been given, it would be "live for the moment". I cannot believe I started out at 27 yrs old ttc #2 with a 4 yr old, and here I am just turned 39 yrs with a 16 yr old  and all of my hopes and dreams in tatters  
I wished my life away in some respects...wishing the next month's AF to come...and when it wasn't meant to be wishing the next one to come...and I didn't see the time whizzing past...and more so my gorgeous little boy growing up so fast...too fast... 

My "little boy" is now a 5ft 9" hunk, who only "needs" me when he's poorly (typical man)  or wants phone credit   and no matter how sad I get from time to time, I only have to look at him and I am consumed with love and such pride at the good job I have done in helping that little cheeky chops grow up into an even bigger cheeky chops 

We're all here to listen...whether we're still deciding...or whether we're coming to terms with moving on  

Sending you all HUGE  
Lots of love 
Gayn
Xx


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## sjpale (Jan 6, 2007)

Pand & Gayn,

So much of what you have both said really rings true with me : , i have a DS who is my absolute world, but he is growing up so quickly he is only 6 but he is already so independant although he still wants his cuddles atleast once a day  . I too worry about him being an only child but then i also feel that he gets DH & I full attention all the time. The past year & a half really my endo has gone really really bad and it breaks my heart when DS has to come and see me in the Hospital and then i can hear him crying as he is going down the corridoor that he wants him Mummy . This is one of the reasons that we are now seriously going down the route of a Hystorectomy (have been putting it off & off) I cannot watch him going through that anymore and also i dont want him growing up and thinking Mummy was ill for most of his Childhood.

Like Gayn (i think it was you) said you have to live for the moment, and DH & i have the best thing possible to do this for. I am determined to give him a great childhood and lots of adventures and millions & millions of love every day.

It is so good to have a thread like this with others who are in the same position as you 


Lots of hugs 

Sarah x


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Gayn and Sarah,

Thank you both for being there.  Gaynor, you are right we have spoken so many times before on the Secondary thread.  Your post on here was so beautifully written.  The paragraph where you speak about the invisible hurt touched me and sums up so eloquently how I feel.  I am so sorry that you find yourself at 39 with your dreams in tatters too.  But your words about seizing the moment and living for the now are exactly how I'm feeling at the moment and are why I don't want to put myself through any more treatment.  I cannot believe my little man is five going on six already and the years are slipping by at such an alarming rate, I'm determined to savour every second with this amazing little person, who is really and truly the very centre of my universe.

I will never say never, and you never do know what life is going to throw at you, but I refuse to live from month to month any more being dominated by my cycle.  At least I have reached that point.  It's not taking over my life anymore.  It's still there, lurking in the background and making itself known when I am around other people's babies/families but I can put it back in the box now, whereas before it consumed me.  There are times when I want to scream at people, just try my life for a while and see how this really feels, but as you said Gaynor, unless you've walked a mile in my shoes they will never truly understand.  

I also understand about the sil thing.  I'm sure mine will be pregnant by the end of this year, and I'm sure I will love any nieces or nephews as much as I do the one they already have.  But I too am dreading watching their pregnancy growing and developping and watching their children bonding and growing up together.  My heart goes out to you, it really does.  But I'm absolutely certain you will bear yourself with complete dignity and will be a wonderful aunty.  Feel free to chat to me when you need a shoulder to talk about the heartache.

Sarah, I also understand about not wanting your son to see you in hospital anymore.  I have spent so much time over the last two years in and out of hospital, including on his first day in school.  I too am determined that that ends here.

It takes such a lot to reach this point.  Its lovely to have people to share that journey with.  Hats off to you ladies for being so brave.  Let's take the plunge together.

Thanks

Pand


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## Sarah Lou3 (Jan 5, 2006)

Hi Ladies
Can I join you?  I'm in a similar position at the moment.  We have a ds who we ADORE but aren't in a position financially to have any more children for the foreseeable future, if ever.  My biological clock is ticking and I count my blessings daily.  Problem is have discovered a much older and erm wealthier lets say friend is planning on having another baby and to say I'm gutted would be an understatement.  I feel so bad because I know if the roles were reversed everyone would be happy for me.
As a few of you have said it's particularly annoying when friends and family tell you how easily they became pregnant.
I'm on a real downer 
Thanks for listening.
Sarah Lou xx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hello ladies 
Pand I'm sure many of us will relate to the desire to not let our lives be dominated by cycles, it rules your thoughts 24/7 and it does take over and affect your ability to function some days. Try as we might it is always lurking in the back of our minds that this cycle "_might be the one_" and brave as we are, and no matter how much we may fool the world, our arms ache and our hearts are so heavy when AF rears her ugly head 
There will always be times you're wrong footed when someone close to you announces their pg but with time it gets easier...and the "plastic happy face" becomes less difficult to muster up.

I've found family's pgs the hardest to deal with more than my friends, as if it's your sister or brother's baby you have the inevitable excitement with the whole family, none more so than with the expectant grandparents. I was the first out of us 4 siblings to have a child and my ds was 8 yrs old when my nephew was born, and I couldn't believe I hadn't had another child by then 

Pand it's a long slow road to moving on, and rest assured we're all for you my lovely 

Sarah, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to reach the decision to go for a hysterectomy  I was only in hospital for the day last year for an operation, and despite my ds being a teenager, I was worried sick about him and how he would cope (as even though he is a ruffty-tufty, he is a sensitive lad and worries) I wish you all the best with your decision, and please know we are here for you 

Sarah Lou it is so hard too when friends announce their pg  We couldn't have tx due to financial reasons and this frustrated me terribly  My dh's divorce cost him dear (over 30K) and it impacted on our finances enormously and this ultimately dictated our decision sadly, to not pursue tx. 
I know what you mean about hearing about others who get pg so easily, and it is normal to feel as you do, so don't be so hard on yourself hunni  
I'm sorry you are feeling so down  it is awful when you find yourself in that black hole or deep pit  
We're all here for you my lovely, if you need to chat.

Laura & EJJB I can only imagine how devastating it has been for you both, to lose your babies  my heart goes out to you both 

Bluenose  I am sure no-one is offended at all with your decision to be sterilised, it must have been very difficult to accept, but as you say you could not take such a risk  The longing for more children doesn't stop when you have one, two or three does it. I always assumed I'd have 4 or 5 children, and having my ds made me want to do it all again, and it is cruel and sad that none of us can have the family we desire 

Lollipop & Essexgirl I am more than happy to set up a sub-thread for those of us with one child, if that will make it easier for you 
As I have said, some of us have had the decision to move on made for us, dictated by circumstances or dx etc, for others it has been as a result of many, many years of heartache and disappointment, and I can fully appreciate the different feelings/emotions we all have, especially if we have just the one child.
I know none of us wish to offend anyone who has been blessed with more than one child, but acknowledge that being a parent to an only child has different issues and emotions than with those with more than one child (if that makes sense) 
I'll set the new thread up after I've posted here 

What I am hoping this whole thread, and sub threads will acheive is that we all have a place where we feel safe, supported, and open to discuss our feelings, and that we can share our journeys, and hopefully help each other throughout that journey. I would hate for anyone to feel excluded or apprehensive about posting, and am sure we all seek to inspire and comfort one another through the bad times until we can all smile at the world again 

If anyone has any thoughts on this then do please post here, or feel free to pm me 

Crazy Fi, Dippy, DesertRose, Ikklesmiler, Jane, Cinders  Jan, Bridget hoping you are all ok 

Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


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## Sarah Lou3 (Jan 5, 2006)

What a relief to find somewhere where we can say how we really feel.  I feel really bad sometimes about resenting other peoples pregnancies, but it's so hard sometines isn't it?
Thanks ladies, have just discovered another close relative is planning on having another baby - ho hum. Better practice my happy face.  
Sarah Lou x


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## dippy3 (Oct 19, 2005)

HI all just a quick me post sorry
One of the ladies at our baby/toddler group has had her 2nd baby. Well at singing the other day her elder son whoo is same age as my DD decided to run off as they do. Well my friend asked me if I'd hold the baby for her. Which I did. Well my DD got up on my other knee and started saying "argh baby cuddle" she just stared at him stroked him for ages she was so sweet. I felt so upset because she was so lovely with him. Another girl in the group said oh look shame you won't be having a baby brother or sister for her. Perhaps you should adopt instead. I really did feel like crying. 
After deciding to move on from trying to have anymore children this is the first time "the outside world" has really effected.
Sorry for the me post does the hurt ever go?
Love to all 
Donna


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Something similar happened to me the other week......I was holding a friends baby and Kitty asked if she could hold him. She looked so lovely and held him so very carefully.

I'm sorry the other girl said what she did.....not terribly sensitive hey 

Anyway, just wanted to send a hug...

Lizzy xxx


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

Hi girls

think this is the right place to post.

I have 2dd and have been ttc 3 for a year, clomid failed and today dh sperm sample came back not so good which has been a shock (good count low in swimmers)
We decided years ago that after amy we would not try anything other than clomid as it had worked and various reasons. So now there is no more clomid - were told today that clomid is unlikely to work again and neither us want to move to the next step. Blessed with what we have and don't want to waste their young lives chasing another dream, just going to enjoy everything we have.

So upset yes and also relieved? Feel like a weight has been lifted, it probably can't happen naturally so that's it no more checking dates, living month to month, baby stuff everywhere - can now sell all of it and make room for the 4 of us.

Still felt incredibly jelous as my friend had her 4th baby with her today - I so longed for a third. It's so hard and she knows the story with us so never forces baby on me altho happy to hold an cuddle it breaks my heart.

love sarah x x x x


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Sarah

So sorry you cannot have your third, I too wanted a 3rd and a forth if I could! (4 would have made me feel complete family wise) but it was not to be, Its hard when you realise that its, no more, especially when people around you are having more, there's LOTS of mums pregnant at my daughters school at the mo, every group of women has a pregnant one in it, its quite hard when its shoved in your face everyday, but as you say we have to be thankful for what we have and just enjoy it/them.

anyway just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Oh and I live in Kent too, am in maidstone often!

Ann MArie xxxx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Just had our 3rd and final IUI and it's failed.

We have one DD and I know we are blessed to have her, but I am devastated that we can't have a 2nd, and give DD a sibling.

I truly have no idea how I am going to get over this and move on .... any hints gratefully received.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

I just noticed your board and thought I'd drop in.

We have male factor problems/endometriosis, and were just about to put our names down the NHS waiting list for ICSI in 2006 when we conceived our beautiful son, naturally!

However, the fact that we have a child means we will not be able to access NHS funding for any further tx and we will not be able to self-fund (already mortgaged up to the eyeballs, and as I'm staying home to care for our son, the funds just aren't there)

We are trying naturally but no luck.  The fact that I'm 36 isn't helping either.

I love being a mum so much but everyday that my son gets that little bit older hurts, because I know I'll probably never have a baby in my arms again, I'll never know what its like to be pregnant again.  I'll never be the mother of a daughter (I always wanted a boy and a girl!) and do girlie pink things with her.  I'll never have the excitement of introducing my son to his borther or sister.

Most of the women I met at ante-natal class are onto their second pregnancies now.  My cousin's wife, who had a son a few months older than mine is due in two weeks and all my mother can talk about is her.  Even yesterday, when I got the double delight of a BFN and AF together (despite the fact that I know I ovulated and we BDd at the right time) she went on and on about the new arrival.  I eventually burst into tears and told her I didn't want to hear anything more about it, whereupon she told me I should "count my blessings".

I know I am very blessed to have my son, but I can't get over the fact that we are unlikely to have another miracle like him (or can't count on it, anyway) and won't be able to access the technology that might make it possible just because of money!!  It hurts so much.

Sorry if that seemed like a rant/ramble, I just wanted to get it off my chest with people who would understand . . .


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi

welcome to Julie and Ladymoonlight
I think i have chatted to you both in other areas

Julie sorry to read of your recent BFN  
LM you and I are in a similar position re age/endo etc

I am also the new mod for this board so if theres anything i can help with feel free to ask.

Also if you fancy getting together in a room in the chatroom for a natter let me know and we will try to arrange something 

Em


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## 3isacharm (Sep 26, 2003)

Julie/LM/Em, 
I just found your thread and thought I'd respond.  I am so sorry for all of you and the pain you are feeling.  You are right, it isn't fair for you not to get another chance at baby #2.  It takes a long time to get past the pain every time you think about it but trust me it does go away and just enjoying your kids is so important.  Enjoy every second, hug them, hold them, and if someone tells you you are spoiling them just ignore them.  You cannot love them enough.  I did that with son thinking he was one and only and 2 failed cycles and age led me to believe we were at the end of road but when I could talk about it being only the 3 of us and not cry we decided to try DE cycle and hence our miracle #2.  I was 42 when I had her so you guys do still have some time, so I would not worry about age just yet.  Just let yourself feel it and be sad I promise it gets batter.
Lots of hugs
Virginia


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Thanks ladies

Virgina - I guess it's just too early for me to get past that pain yet.  I treasure every single second with DD - she is the absolute joy of my life and my total reason for everything I do.  She won't ever be spoilt with anything but love and our time.  Lovely news that you ended up with #2 in the end.

Em - Thanks hun & maybe sometime we can all get together for a chat.

Ladymoonlight - Like you all DD's friends now have younger brothers or sisters, and in our Church playgroup (which I currently help to run) I am the only one with just 1 child. When we finish next week I can't go back because I don't have a baby or toddler  and I've been taking DD since she was 7 months old.  I'm 37 and it's my egg quality that's the problem (as well as my high FSH levels). Like you it's the thought that I won't get to experience the joys of pregnancy again (even the sickness and tiredness I loved it all), or the sleepless nights and lack of routines.  I crave it all ... not just having the baby.  We managed to scrape together the money for 3 IUI's but we couldn't afford to do anything else now.  I only work 2 days a week, so I can be at home with DD most of the time.

I wish no-one else was in the same position as me, because it's a truly sad place to be, but I am very grateful that there are people here who really do understand.  

Thanks for listening ladies & I  that we do all end with the families we so desparately want to achieve.

's & XX's
Julie


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Did I scare everyone off?

Julie
XXX


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

No you didn't 

I sold all my baby bits today - did a bootfair, clothes left which are off to charity shop in morning and my pram is on ebay  

feel ok about it all not sad or sentimental at all - going to spend money on our hols woo hoo.

x x x


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## Crazy Fi (Mar 19, 2007)

Hi not being on for a while as I think I am trying to supress my feelings, but reading your posts so expresses my imploding, its very sad reading your posts,but warming to know were not alone.
Mrs Choas  just wanted to send u a  for your articulate, well expressed deep felt understanding and support as a mod and fellow "mover on" to all of us ladies ..   
Finding myself getting very low of late and think supression is doing more damage than facing things.. reading your posts makes me realise i need to try to get to grips, find a place and accept moving on ....

Big   to u all xxx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Sarah/Crazy Fi

Thanks ladies .... I didn't think I could be the only one still struggling to move on, but it had all gone quite.

Been really busy with DD's 4th Birthday this week so that's kept my mind active, but I'm really worried how I'm going to be this week with less to concentrate on.

Mrs Chaos - In case you are checking in ... hope you are ok my lovely.  .

Sarah - I think I'm going to sell off DD's baby things later this year at an NCT sale we have locally.  Need to get a bit stronger before I can do it though.  .  Good on you for doing it though & I hope you enjoy your hol's.

Take care all,
Julie
XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Julie - don't worry you didn't scare anyone off, lol.  I've been staying away from FF for a bit to try not to obsess.

Sarah, I've decided to give myself another year before I start getting rid of my baby bits.  Some of DS's little things, like his first babygros, I will just have to keep, but we currently have a spare room full of moses baskets, bouncy chairs, maternity clothe, breast pumps, bottles, sterilisers, bags and bags of outgrown baby blothes etc etc and all the sorts of things I so desperately want to use again and won't be able to unless we can manage another against the odds miracle.  I can't face getting rid of them just yet, in fact, we're moving out soon to have major work done on the house, so I'm going to have a sort through and box them all up.  I'll give it a year and then I'll have to do the clear out, in the hope that it will be cathartic.  I don't know if it will be and I guess I'm hoping, praying for a miracle within that space of time but given my age, our MF issues and the fact we can no longer afford to access Assisted Reproductive technology that is becoming more and more unlikely.  I think I have to give myself one more year before I finally get rid of it all because right now I wouldn't be able to cope with doing it and I can't afford to get depressed as I have DS to think about.


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

Hello lovely ladies!

Sorry, I posted here earlier on, but have since been very absent.    Like Lady Moonlight, I too have tried to keep away from this thread so that I don't get too obsessed with the fact that Lara will probably be an only child.  I can relate to you all who have said that you've had the decision taken out of your hands due to finances, hysterectomies etc.  But for me I feel like I hate myself for imposing the decision on myself (and DH and Lara) by deliberately chosing not to try for another little one, due to the fact that I had a really hard pregnancy.  

All is well with us, although Lara has chicken pox right now and has just started to get ill with it, so we're having disturbed nights, and lots of green snot!

Take care and be strong!

LOL
Desert


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Grrrr - just lost my post.

LadyMoonlight

Maybe I should try to stay away from FF a bit more too.  Probably not very healthy.

Reading your post was like reading something I'd typed myself.  Like you I can't face getting rid of any of the baby things yet - I just couldn't cope with seeing pg ladies buying my DD's things.  I'm really struggling to get going after this 3rd and final tx, and just like you said "I can't afford to get depressed as I have DS to thing about".  DD is about the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment.  

Thank goodness for FF though - it does at least make me feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one in this position, but of course I wish no-one else was suffering.

DesertRose - Sorry to hear that Lara has the chickenpox - my DD had it about 6 weeks ago. I really hope she gets a mild case of it and doesn't scratch too much.  I would recommend Eurax lotion - much better than Calamine in our experience.

Hello to everyone else .

Julie
XXX


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

Girls  hope didn't offend saying I had got rid of my baby bits 
It just felt like the right time for me - altho I did use the money to buy hannah a new buggy  lol

x x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Sarah - Oh honey, I'm definitely not offended at all.  Lots of my friends have been getting rid of their baby bits recently, but I just don't think I'm up to it yet.  I certainly wouldn't say no to the extra pennies though.


----------



## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

I was supposed to put the pennies to our hols but couldn't resist a buggy for hols instead lol


----------



## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi ladies

Sarahc i think that we all deal with things differently
and all do what we feel is right for us

what buggy did you get 
i hope you have a lovely holiday

Julie how r u honey how is DD 

LM hope your doing ok

Desert hope that the chicken pox isnt too bad for DD

I will try to sort out a chat soon, been a bit pre-occupied as DS has been in hospital and poorly with his reflux

love to anyone i missed
Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Heffalump - You certainly shouldn't be apologising for not being around and sorting out a chat .... much more important things for you to be dealing with.  Hope DS is better now my lovely?

Hello  to all the other lovely ladies.

Julie
XXX


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

Hello again. I haven't been around much recently. I should confess that I have been hanging around on "Hoping for another miracle". So I'm somewhere between accepting and moving on and trying. Ho-hum. 

I Have been getting rid of baby stuff as I go along. Knowing that we were only likely to have one, I didn't want to have too much to deal with in one go and then get all silly and upset about it, its only stuff. To be honest even if I had another baby I might want or need new stuff anyway. Our pushchairs are reaching the end of their natural life and are bright pink (which might not be great if an unexpected miracle, was a boy). Same applies to all her dresses! 

I did keep one babygro deliberately, but that was all, and its enough for me.

I have decided to keep all her "creative stuff" though. I keep a box of all her scribbles and drawings (some dated so we know how old she was when she did them). This is better than clothes or toys because it is part of her life that she has been instrumental in creating. Its about creating memories for us that are positive, rather than dwelling on what I might not ever have again. It will also be great to for her to have when she is older to see if she remembers any of this stuff.

Heffalump- lovely to hear from you. Wishing you all the best  for DS.


----------



## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Do you think there are any positives to having an only child?

All I can think of are the negatives such as:

*
DS not having brothers and sisters to play with

Me not being able to experience pregnancy and birth again

Not ever having a daughter as well as a son

If DS decides to emigrate when he's older I will be a lonely old woman who never sees her grandkids

I will probably not see much of my grandkids anyway as the girls mothers tend to be more involved with the grandchildren than the boys mothers (or thats how it is in my family anyway - my aunt rarely sees her paternal grandkids)

Never being the mother of the bride
*

And the worst thing is, all these reasons seem really selfish (ie what I will be losing out on). It makes me feel so bad to feel this way . . .


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Lady Moonlight - (((((hugs))))))

Like you I tend to be focusing on all the negative things about DD being an only child at the moment, but I have been kicking myself up the  and trying not to.  

DD keeps asking if we can play sisters which just makes me want to  .

I so, so, so, so badly want to experience pregnancy again - I just LURVED mine - all the sickness and heartburn was sooooo worth it and I just didn't complain about any of it.

Not having a son to see DH playing with - I see him playing with our friend's son's and it breaks my heart.

My bruv emigrated to the US when he was late 20's and I'm in fear already of DD moving too far away from us when she's older, but I know we have to let her live her life.

In my case, never being able to try to prove that m-i-l's can be lovely (in fact my DD spends more time with DH's parents).

You aren't alone though my lovely - I worry that it's all about me being selfish and self obsessed too.

Lots of (((((((hugs))))))) coming your way honey.
XXXX


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

There are loads of positives of only having one child.......... I just can't think of all that many right now   

Here goes!

I've already noticed DH is what I would consider to be closer to Lara and is a very hands on dad, which I think stems from the fact that he really appreciates what a precious little gift we have.

Having one means you'll generally have more money to spend on them and more time to give them

I feel that having just Lara we will grow up to be friends rather than parent-child

(here's a selfish one) Having just one means you can have more time for yourself, without having to be 100% dedicated to your children. (That one comes from having seen my parents, and especially my mum, dedicate themselves to family at the detriment to their marriage and their own lives. As a result my mum had no friends, no personal interests as she never went out, my dad is dead and she was left a very lonely widow)

OK, so there are a huge number of negatives, but it is possible that just one positive could totally outweigh all the negatives?!


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies, im a newbie to this thread hope you are all well, i have a dd age 6 [ the light of my life] and had a failed ivf in apr 08, we are on a private waiting list icsi, but after a lot of talking we dont think we can afford icsi, we have decided that we should spend the money on the one dd we already have instead of taking a chance on something that we may never get. So any-way we are still on the list and unless we win the lottery we will be parents to one child. In the last month i have given away 3 prams one car seat and lots of other baby things, this was very hard but i felt as if i was moving on , my dd baby things went to a single mum who really needed them so it made me feel better, after all they were in my attic collecting dust. I think to my-self how lucky i am , to have been pg and got a healthy baby , as some people never even get this far, but dont get me wrong yes i would love another baby, but if it isnt to be then i find my-self strong enough cope with the out-come. Im so glad i found this thread it is so good to talk to people that can understand thanks. alleyxoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hello ladies

Not sure where to post at the moment but came across you girls and thought I may be in the right place?  I have had 6 lots of tx since 2004 and was lucky enough to conceive dd in 2005.  Have since had 2 further tx as would love her to have a brother or sister although after going through tx last month I had a BFP only to suffer a miscarriage which has left us devasted.  Dh and I decided before we embarked on this cycle that this would definitely be our last as cannot put ourselves through anymore tx emotionally or financially.  Feel in limbo at the moment as desperately want another child.  Its not so important for me to go through pregnancy again (as I suffered awfully) but I want the bigger picture, a larger family (coming from a large Italian background myself) my darling miracle is such a sociable child I cant bear her to be a lonely child. I am finding it really difficult at the moment as lots of my friends are on their second pregnancies and my close friend is on her 4th (all under the age of 5!) and I have just had to distance myself from them, its the only way I can cope at the moment.  Anyway....I have gone on enough, I hope Im in the right place and look forward to chatting with you all.

Cath


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Tiger - Welcome to the thread my lovely.  I am sure you are in the right place .... you sound just like us I think.  I had DD naturally in 2004 and have had 3 x tx's this year, but no more for us because of finances and the emotional pressurre.  I still desperately want another baby, and definitely would love a sibling for DD, but I am having to start to come to terms with the reality that this probably won't happen.  Like you all but 1 of our friends have 2 or more children and sometimes I have to distance myself too.  Feel free to offload at any time honey, because we all have good and bad days.  I have had such a bad couple of weeks, but I'm starting to see some of the dark clouds lifting, and I think that's a lot to do with the lovely FF ladies supporting me.

Alley73 - Welcome to the thread honey.  It's lovely to hear from someone who is strong enough to cope with the possibility of being Mummy to just one l/o.  Wonder how many of us are hoping to win the lottery so we can continue our tx's .

Desertrose - How is Lara now?  Thank you for posting some positives for us to think about honey.

Heffalump - Wondering how your DS is now honey?  Hope he's much better.  

Sarahc - Hello .  Hope you are enjoying the new buggy. 

Crazyfi/Ikklesmiller - Hope you are doing ok my lovelies?

Mrs Chaos - Hope you are ok - we miss you.  

AAM - Well we had a busy weekend - Next sale on Sat am in Salisbury with a friend, chores in the pm, then tidied out the garage yesterday and played lots with DD in her playhouse (which she had for her birthday and just loves).  Trying to make the most of the time with her, because she'll be at School (part time) in September.  Feeling a bit stronger the last couple of days, but that seems to stop as soon as I see someone who's pg or has a little baby.  A "lady" (generous  ) in Next lifted her t-shirt up in front of a friend she'd bumped into and said ... "Look, I'm pg again!  No plans for it and it's only going to get born around Christmas - what a pain!".  I moved away from her very quicky before I was tempted to say something or burst into tears.  I would cheerfully give birth any hour of any day .... must be nice when you can be that choosey.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - thanks for the welcome. I too have been having a bad few weeks but then I guess its early days as far as the m/c goes so one minute I think Im fine then like you I see a pg person or hear pg people moaning and I know deep down Im not ok, as much as my dd is an absolute dream and couldnt wish for more or realise how lucky I am I wonder whether she will be enough and will I ever come to terms with it - I guess it just gets easier with time - I hope!!

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Tiger - Lots & lots of (((((hugs))))) my lovely.  We m/c'd our DD's twin at 6.5 weeks and I remember only too well just how that felt.  Just as you think you are coping better there seems to be something to knock you back.  I feel that my DD is one a million too and that she's our little miracle  as well.  I know we've had our last tx, and the chances of conceiving naturally are very slim, but I don't think I'll ever give up hope ...... I just can't give up hope yet.  
Take care honey.
Julie
X


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Evening ladies,  dd  keeps asking when  is she going to be a big sister?  Now that i have got my head round to the fact she will most likely  be the  one  and only,  this  just sets me right back.  Im so fed up every month hopeing that maybe  this is  month that i get pg,  but it never happens. I Think  how wonderful it must be to not be consumed with feelings of what if.......  what if i pg naturally..........what if i was just normal and fertile.......  what if we managed to go for  private icsi and it to be sucessful.... ah well  wishful thinking eh?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        alley xoxo


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

Hi all !   Julie  & Tiger - sounds like you're both really suffering right now. I guess it gets worse as the little ones get older.

I thought of another (kind of selfish) good reason for not having another child - I love my Lara sooooooooooooooooo much that I just don't want ot share that love with anyone else.  And right now I can't see how I could love another baby as much as I love her.

Oh, and another: 2 friends who've had 2 children have told me that they feel guilty about not giving as much time to the second one as the older one is more demanding and occupies a lot of their time.  At least we have the time, energy and money to dedicate to our lovely little ones.

(Just trying to be positive)

On the other hand I keep seeing parents with only children out and about and can't help noticing how lonely the child looks    Lara is such a sociable little girl I feel awful about willfully condemning her to a life of solitude, but I know another pregnancy like my last would finish me off. 

Big hugs all round.
Desert


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Desert - I agree to some extent that I dont know how I could love another child as much and like you another pregnancy like my last one would be awful (esp. with another child to look after) its just so hard, Im so torn between wanting a larger family and just being happy with what I have. 

Alley - I spend my days thinking, what if..... if only...... and now Im trying to live in the moment. 

Julie - I think its good to have a bit of hope, where there's a will, there's a way!!!

Am back in work this week after taking 3 weeks off and it is certainly helping to distract me.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies 

Alley73 - I feel for you honey, because I feel the same .... month after month of "what if" and then that constant disappointment.  .  I wonder if after a couple of months of being away from tx I will live more in the moment like Tiger is trying to.

DesertRose - I am sure I could love another baby just as much as DD, but it is lovely having such a close bond with her at the moment.  DD is so sociable and seems to ask more and more about having a brother or sister, and I do think it's got worse as she's got older and more aware of things.  Big (((((hugs))))) to you as well my lovely.

Tiger (Cath) - Glad to hear you've made it back to work honey.  I've just started 2 weeks hol's and hope I won't struggle without my usual routine and distractions.

Well, DD has a surprise party at nursery tomorrow which I just know she's going to love.  She usually only goes 9am-12noon on Wed, but she's going to stay till 1pm tomorrow.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi ladies and little ones

Welcome to Tiger and Alley

Julie hope that DD has a fab time at the party tomorrow

DesertRose hows u and DD

DS is doing ok, hes had 2nd jabs today bit grumpy, but his reflux is settling  all being welll he will have reached his 10lb target by thurs/fri hes not been sick since thursday so heres hoping

Bed is calling
Em


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Afternoon ladies,  yes you are right  so im living in the here and now,  not the past or the future.  dd got another birthday invite  today  ,  i mean it she has a better social life than me and dh,  off  to get a pressie for the birthday girl, oh and something for dd,  i just  cant help myself her wee face just lights up,     dh thinks i spoil her ,  but do you what  i dont care                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              alley xoxo


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## pip34 (Nov 19, 2006)

hi can i join u 

i am mummy to 3 i have ds14 dd 13 then relationship broke down. then found my soul mate ttc 10yrs then had diui but lost our darling thomas at 18+ weeks but then went on to having the love of our lives Tyler who is now 9 months we would love more but with cost etc and what we had to go through to get Tyler and the heartache of losing thomas is all too much for us to try again more so my dh me i would do it again in a heatbeat but as a couple we are moving on which is very hard for me.

take care
love pip n tyler xxx


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi ladies

Pip - am so sorry to hear of your loss, Im still recovering from mine and you were much further along than me, so feeling your pain.  Hope you are coping ok.

Alley - so glad you are feeling brighter, how did the party go?

Em - how is ds doing now?

Julie - how are you, hope your dd enjoyed the party.

Gosh its parties all the way for these youngsters!!

As for me, I thought I was doing really well however, I heard some news last night that has totally sent me reeling, I cried all night last night and have been in tears all day.  My uncle and his new wife have just announced they are pregnant with twins (completely natural) I know I should feel happy for them but cannot hide my emotions and am so gutted.  We have a big family party booked for the 8th of August which I have organised and put so much hard work into, however, I have had to back out.  I will be so sorry not to go but I know I would be even sorrier if I do go.  I just cannot handle seeing them and hearing everyone talking about their exciting news.  I know I cant ignore them forever but I just cant see them right now either - do you think Im being selfish?

Cath x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies,  yes party went well  dd  had a ball didnt want to come home,  lots  of mums there  and i cant remember  how many asked    " oh have just the one"  ghrrrrr......  or  the other clasic "  is it not time you had another"ghrrrrrrrrrrr.......if  only they they knew.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Tiger , oh i feel for you its so hard sometimes to hear about family members bfp,  be strong   about the party you might feel  differently when the time comes, take care , thinking of you                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              alleyxoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Just a quick one .... v. busy day with DD and need to get her tea ready early, as we are going out tonight for my friend's b'day.

I just couldn't bear to read and run .....

Tiger - ((((((hugs)))))).  I am so sorry to hear how much you are hurting.  It's so very hard to hear other people's happy news when you so badly want it to be you.  I hope that once the initial pain has eased a little you might be able to think about the party again.  Be kind to yourself my lovely.

Alley73 - Oooooo .  If we all had a £1 for every time someone said comments like that, we'd be able to fund another tx wouldn't we!  I just tell people point blank that we can't .... usually shuts them up pretty quickly.  Big ((((((hugs)))))) for you too.

Em - Glad that DS is a little better now and he's nearly at his 10lb target.  Glad to hear his jabs went ok too.

Pip - Welcome to the thread honey, and I'm so sorry to hear about Thomas.  ((((((hugs)))))).  We lost DD's twin at 6.5wks and that was such a terrible time  - I can't imagine what you went through.  I'm so glad that you have Tyler now though, but I totally understand that desire to have another.

 to all the other lovely ladies.

Well, DD had a lovely party yesterday and an even better day today.  Well, apart from an emergency visit to the Docs as she was complaining of chest pains ... they think it's asthma related so she's now got a preventer inhaler as well as her usual one.  Is it just me or do those of us with one child panic when they are poorly - I just seem to over-analyse things and worry.  Anyway .... we had packed a picnic to have at the park after we had been to the Docs/library/shops.  A friend texted to say they were going to have a picnic at the park and would we like to join them, which we did .... then 2 other friends came as well with their little ones and we all had a lovely time.  Really lifted my spirits no end.

Right, I must be off .... take care all.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

well dd got another birthday invite this weekend , its in a big fun house and i know she will love it, we are babysitting my neice this weekend who is 6 months old and is a wee dote, we have done this many times before , and i hate giving her back....    because for that short time  i can see us as having 2 kids,  dd and dh adore her, i cant wait to push a pram again, mmmh im begining to sound a bit loopey here  but im so not.  So how's everyone else , hope you're all well.                                                                                                    alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Thanks for the  , its been an emotional couple of days but at the crying has stopped and am feeling more like myself! 

Alley - we will be in the same boat this weekend, we are looking after my sisters little boy, he is also 6 months, it will be the first time we have had him overnight so am quite looking forward to it although also quite a daunting task looking after 2 children!!  Am hoping like you I will be able to give him back without too much of a struggle!hee, hee!!

Julie - so sorry to hear of your daughters hospital visit, how worrying, I hope she is on the mend.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Just a quick post - we are having an early lunch and then going swimming (the weather is pants today so no chance of a picnic).

Tiger (Cath) - I'm glad you are feeling more like yourself again & I hope you get on ok this weekend with your nephew this weekend - what a lovely auntie you must be to do that.  .  DD seems better since starting the new inhaler thanks.

Alley73 - Hope you have a good weekend with your niece & like I said to Tiger you must be great Aunties to do that.  I pushed my friends pushchair yesterday and it nearly choked me - so you aren't alone & we're both loopey .

Hello to all the other lovely ladies.
Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

ladies  ,  dd and chum decided to go camping in our garden,  oh so funny they took pillows and  sleeping bags, some cookies  , crisps, and juice. Now my dd is a real tomboy wont play with dolls and hates anything pink , she tells me she is not a girlie girl, so anyway her chum took a bratz pillow out and dd told me she wanted one too , so i said but ur not a girlie girl, and do  you no what she said " Peer presure mum"     ,  oh god knows what the teenage years will bring. Now needless to say she was'nt staying out all night , was in at 8.30 great camp eh?  ,  so dh went to argos and bought a tent , so they can camp out in the back garden,  dd wants pizza ordered and wants her portable dvd player with her, me don't think she likes to rough it. Dh says she is he mother's daughter                                                                                                                                                                                                                  alley xoxo


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

ooh forgot to say , i had a visit from my friend today, she has a 2 year old girl and one year old boy, OMG my lovely house was trashed ,  crisps mushed into floor, crayon on walls, loo blocked with cotten wool, a POO on my hall floor,  police phoned to say that they had a 999 call. and so on and so on,  well i tell you what  , i love my friend  she has been so good to us,  but she is one of those mother's who sits drinking tea while my house is crashing in around us, and she won't check her kids,  now im no clean freak but a little respect  PLEASE   ok and breath.... rant over..                                                                                                                        alley xoxo


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

Haven't been on for a while as *very* depressed right now. Feeling even worse at the moment as my AF is about to start any minute. So we failed again this month, even though we BMS'd at the right time.

I feel so angry and frustrated that there is treatment out there which we cannot access because of the cost. There is no way we could fund private treatment ourselves and family won't/can't help.

We are on the waiting list for an appointment with CARU, who were investigating us when we got pregnant with DS, but as we will not qualify for NHS treatment now we have a child, the most they will be able to do is investigative tests and maybe another Lap & dye on me. It will be about 10 months before we get an appointment and I'll be 37 in December.

I'm supposed to be "getting on with my life" - I've been accepted onto a teacher training course in September, but I don't want to do it. I have no enthusiasm for it. I just want another baby. I don't care about career or anything. My "baby" will be 2 very soon and so is no longer a "baby" at all. He's getting more and more independent by the day. And I know he's lonely without having a sibling. He desperate wants someone to play with.

I'm supposed to be getting married in August and I can't even drum up the enthusiasm to look forward to that. Can't really see much point anymore.

Sorry to bore you all, I just felt like I needed to talk to someone who would understand and not just say "well you've got one child what are you complaining about"

Oh and my cousin's very fertile wife is about to have her second any day now (her son is the same age as mine) and my mother will NOT stop talking about it . . .


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Ladymoonlight - Im sorry to hear you are so down - af arrived for me yesterday too but in a way I was relieved - its the first one since my m/c last month and I was worried how long it would take me to get back to normal, so am glad it has been a normal cycle.  To make things worse though, Ive been having really bad toothache with my wisdom tooth all week, have been booked into have the op to take it out however, it will be another 6 months so am now having to pay a clinic privately to take it out in the next week or so, so another huge dent in the bank account!! anyway......its got to get better right.....

Alley -   dont you just hate that - messy kids!!! hee, hee, everyone laughs at me cos dd is a clean freak, we were in starbucks today and she was going around wiping the tables with a wetwipe!! Im obsessive about cleaning and she picks it up from me - my sister goes mad as she says shes a child and is supposed to be messy!! I have taught her to be like it, she just copies me.  When all the kids in nursery are pulling the toys out, shes behind them, putting them all away - neatly!!!!

We have my nephew coming tomorrow so that should be fun!!!

Julie - hope you are ok, what you up to this weekend?

Cath x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Evening ladies , oh ladymoonlight i so know how you feel about the cost of another tx, it is so heart-breaking to know that maybe the money just is'nt there for more tx , we would love to have just one more go, and unless we win the lottery that just wont happen, life is so unfair..... tiger poor you and you're horrible wisdom tooth, i know the pain is unbearable as i cut a wisdom tooth 2 weeks before having dd, and the week before i had dd i gave birth to a huge kidney stone, it fell out in the loo and i put in a wee box and took it straight to gp, he was shocked at the size and sent it off to Queens university in belfast... ooh how famous am I  well my niece arrives in the morning to stay for the weekend [i cant wait] so have to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz talk later alley xoxo


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## mary11 (Oct 16, 2007)

Hello!

I think I need to join this thread! I have 2 boys (14 & 16) from a previous relationship, DP & I have been together for 7 years, TTC for almost 5. MF diagnosed, and we've had 2 attempts at ICSI this year. The second has just failed and we have decided that it's the end of the road for us. 

There is no hope of conceiving naturally as I have to go back on the pill to avoid the horrendous symptoms of PMDD (a severe form of PMS). If I didn't go back on the pill we wouldn't be together long enough to have a child anyway, as the PMDD is unbearable for us both. During the last spell I ended up taking 3 doses of Diazepam a day to pretty much knock me out for a few days. And that's just not possible to do all the time!!

So, having got a BFN this week, I am now getting to the task of selling the baby stuff I kept in the attic from when I was childminding (I kept the best stuff for when we had our own baby), which is heartbreaking but I have to get on and do it now.

I've been 'living' on FF for almost a year now, and am not at the point where I feel ready to leave it - everyone has been such a support. However, I need to find somewhere new and relevant to post, so I hope this is the right place.

Marie


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Marie

welcome to the thread honey
Sorry to hear it was a BFN honey    

You have come to the right place there is a lovely group of girlies on this board

Em


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Morning ladies,  Marie so sorry to hear your news   , i hope you find this a good place to post, i also got rid of all my baby things  , very hard to do but it also helped me to move forward, just take it one step at a time                                                                   alley xoxo


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## mary11 (Oct 16, 2007)

Thanks for the welcome. Starting to get back to normal now. DP went back to work today after being on holiday last week, and I went back to the gym for the first time in 2 months. Had a visit from a friend I met through FF this afternoon, and she went away with a big pile of books and a few other bits I was selling, so it's started to go but there is so much stuff to get rid of.

I'm having a massage and facial tomorrow morning, so looking forward to that, then got to spend a day or two getting the house straight as it's got in a bit of a mess over the last couple of weeks!!

Well, better go as DP wants to use the computer to look for a holiday for us for next year. We have now booked to go away for our anniversary in October (weekend in a 4 star hotel in Bournemouth), so got that to look forward to.

Take care ladies. Look forward to getting to know you in the coming weeks & months.

Marie


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ya, ladies well my weekend was wonderful, had my niece to stay [ in case you did'nt no]  oh she is a we doll and soooo good, i loved all the baby stuff in the house [ pram, travel cot, bumbo seat, nappies, bottles and every-thing else] we went to a kids play area on sunday ,dd loved it and i saw people i had'nt seen since school days, just said hello but as i was holding my neice i know they thought she was mine, and i loved it  well she has gone back to her mum and dad , and i miss her, feeling a bit down to-day, can't tell dh as i know what he will say " if minding Ellie gets you down may-be you should pass next time" ghrrrrr men don't think they understand some-times......Anyway ladies hope ur all well talk soon alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Ladies

Hi Marie - you brave thing selling all your stuff, I cant bring myself to do that just yet, I think its still early days - maybe when my dd is about 30!!

Alley - Oh I so know how you feel, we were completely exhausted when we handed over our nephew to my sister Sunday night but it was so lovely having two of them.  We went to the Park on Saturday and like you, people were saying how gorgeous he was and how old is he etc. couldnt bear to tell anyone he was just on loan for the weekend!! Dd absolutely dotes on him but when it came to bath/bedtime, she became really jealous and was trying to lash out at him, trying to kick and hit him - it was awful, I guess shes been our world and this little boy was invading her space (and parents) and she didnt like it - however, she was his best friend in the morning!!!!

Ladymoonlight - how you doing hun? I notice you're from South Wales - snap - Im living in Swansea!

Hi Julie and Heffalump - hope you two are ok.

As for me, finding this awful rain rather depressing but trying to keep positive! Going to the Cotswolds this weekend as DH father lives there and unfortunately he is not a well man, dont know how long he has left in this life so we are all traipsing up there to see him this weekend.

Lots of Love

Cath x


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Just had to listen to the full details from my mum of how my cousin's wife has just had her desired baby girl and all the account of the birth, name choosing etc.      Feeling depressed.  I would have loved to have a little girl.      

cath - wow you're in S.Wales too?  I'm in Caerphilly at the moment.  Originally from Newport, lived in Cardiff for 11 years, moved up here in December 2005.  

Alley - omg that sounds mega painful!!!  

Marie - I haven't been able to bring myself to start getting rid of Arthur's baby things.  I know I will have to eventually but I'm giving it another year or so before I start doing so, as that will mark officially the end of our hopes for having more than one child . . .

Hi Julie and Heffalump, hope everything's OK with you and your LO's . . .


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## mary11 (Oct 16, 2007)

Alley & Cath - Sounds like you both had a lovely time looking after your nieces and nephews. I must admit I wouldn't be able to handle that at all at the moment. I guess it's all still a bit raw. One of my best friends has a 2 week old baby who I did manage to see just before we got our BFN, but I can't bring myself to go and visit her again at the moment as I know I'll just blub at him. Doesn't feel right blubbing over a friend's baby when you should be all happy and lovely.

I've managed to sell a few bits and pieces, not much yet. Bearing in mind that my boys are 14 & 16, I have held on to some of the stuff for a very long time!! (Some stuff is from when I was childminding, which I stopped 4 years ago). I think we need to get to a car boot sale to get rid of alot of it (Lego, books, videos, games etc), but the weather is so rubbish that it doesn't make you want to even think about it!

Marie


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies 

Sorry I've been AWOL for about 10 days - have been away for a week camping in Dorset.

The most lovely thing was meeting another couple who had a 4 y.o little girl who we spent quite a bit of time with.  There were lots of bigger families there, and several pg ladies, so it was great to have another little family.

I've back tracked quickly thorugh the posts and I'm sorry to hear there have been some BFN's whilst I've been away.  ((((((hugs)))))) to you all.

I also got my AF on 31st July/1st Aug - typically just in time for our holiday.

Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Evening ladies, welcome back julie, ooh i love camping we had a caravan for three year's had to sell it as dh started working weekends  it's just a great holiday for kids [ and big kids] i loved it weather was good, and even when it was bad, hearing the rain beat down on the roof while you're tucked inside a sleeping bag it was great. We had two weeks in portugal at the start of july , first time on a plane for dd and she loved it, DD is going on hols next week with my mum and dad, they are going to a fab hotel just outside dublin, she cant wait " how many more sleeps mum"......Will miss her loads , as house will be so quiet and tidy ha ha... talk soon alley xoxo


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies, just me again AF just arrived , do you ever give up hope?..... every month im thinking maybe... just maybe this is our time again...... im thinking of all the years we tried not to get pg [ie before we were married, and in our late teens and early twenties] if i knew then what i know now i think i might have gave caution to the wind and thought what will be will be.... ah well here's to another month of wishful thinking..oh btw i am one of those daft people to buy a fertility spell off ebay dh thought i was mad at the time but i told him to read the feeback... most people got pg within 6 months.. well at the end of september my time runs out...oh i think i need help...  dh thinks im losing the plot, but im fine ,  two parents one child one dog yes that's us.. and do you know what... there's nothing wrong with that, i should be thankful for what i've got. Cheers ladies a very complete alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Me again 

Away for 10 days then posting 2 days consecutively.

Alley - You aren't daft honey - we are all the same - waiting every month in hope.  Although I've not bought a fertility spell, I've done all sorts of weird things - crystals in my bra, "lucky" underwear, orange clothes, crystals on top of my ovaries and womb during 2ww, eaten/drunk all the recommended things, visualisation etc, etc.  I think whatever keeps you feeling positive (even if everyone else thinks you're a bit ) is just fine.  Hope you get on ok whilst DD is away with your parents - I've only ever been away and left DD at the in-laws for a long weekend - can't imagine being here in the house without her.  It sounds like she's really excited, bless her, and I'm sure she'll have a great time.  Perhaps you can plan some lovely romantic time with DH whilst she's not around.  

Ladies - I really don't want to gross anyone out with t.m.i. or upset anyone, but I'm not sure what's going on with me "girly-thing-wise" - started my usual AF the night before we went away (fab timing ), seemed fairly normal and ended on Tues ... then Thurs night it kind of started again (won't describe exactly  ), and I've had terrible pains and things since.  A bit of me (and I can't bring myself to tell DH) wonders if it is actually a mc. .  Just hope it eases up soon.  I'm going to have a long soak in the bath soon and see if that helps at all with the pains.  It's day 9 of my cycle and it's really not like me at all.  In my previous mc's I didn't have any bleeding or pains till later. .  I really hope I haven't upset anyone, but would appreciate any advise or info' you might have.

Hope everyone else is doing ok at the moment - Ladymoonlight/Cath/Heffalump/Pip/Marie/DesertRose & big apol's to anyone I've missed (my brain is old and slow these days ).

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Netty J (Sep 26, 2005)

Hello all, mind if I join you? I have two gorgeous ICSI daughters, and had 1 frostie up until tues this week when we decided to give it a go, then got the news that it hadn't survived the thaw.

Although I know how lucky I am, and I knew that the chances of the frostie resulting in a pregnancy were very slim, to say that I am devastated would be an understatement. That little frosty was my last hope and now its all so very final. 

I'm in tears every time I let myself think about it, and just don't know how I am going to get on top of it all. I honestly thought that when we had the girls that I had put all this behind me. Now I feel as bad as I did when we were first dx'd. I thank my lucky stars every day for having the girls and feel guilty and greedy for wanting more children. But in a strange way having the girls have made it slightly worse, before I had them I only thought I knew what I was missing out on, now I actually do know what I am missing. 

Enough of the ramble and sorry for the whinge. Grateful for any tips on how to get rid of these feelings.

Annette x


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi there i have been reading this thread but havent had the nerve to post because i feel like a fraud because i am not ready to "move on" and accept that i wont have another little bundle of joy, but it seems we are all struggling to come to terms with this so maybe it is the right place for me ?
annette - i agree, i thought having LO would put all that longing behind me, but it hasnt it is ten time worse now I know how exciting / amazing it all is !!
Bummer eh ? 
Love Janine xx


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Afternoon ladies,    Julie  im sorry but i have no info for you    hope you feel better soon,  af is so cruel when it's bad and not wanted.    Nettyj      sorry for you're sad news  life is so unfair , you are so lucky to have two little girls, but i know it still wont  change the fact that you would love more.....be strong for your girls  thinking of you .  Janine  its so hard to "move on"  im sorry ladies i just cant , i think i will always live in hope  and yes while we are all so lucky to be mummys  , we should not feel bad for wanting more beautiful children,  and i for one will always want more.....take care lovely ladies  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Good morning ladies

Arrived back from the Cotswolds last night and had a lovely time, dd was an absolute dream but back in work today   and got my 'wisdom tooth' op tomorrow so am dreading it!!!!

Julie - you poor thing, it would be really cruel if you have just suffered an early m/c but try not to think about it too much and think of it too much as it could really play on your mind - I hope it was just a heavy period. 

Alley and Janine- Im with you hunnies, even though we are posting on the 'moving on' board I dont think I will ever be ready to accept the fact that I have one child, I will always yearn for more and as Alley says, just because we already have a child/children it doesnt stop the yearning for another.

Netty - hi and welcome, I think we can all relate to your story. I honestly felt after going through so much emotion to have my dd and suffering very bad post-natal depression (attributed to the tx) I felt relief that she was finally here but then all the old feelings started coming back, wanting another child and then when the tx failed and most recently suffering a m/c I feel worse now than I did then.  There is more pressure on me now because 1) I know I CAN get pg and 2) I feel useless that I cannot give my dd a sibling.  It really is so hard isnt it but we are all here to support each other.

Moving on then, I will try anything, please tell me more about this fertility spell...........Ive been seeing a medium/fortune teller over the last few years and she is wonderful, she is so accurate, she knew I would have to have fertility tx before I did, she even described my dd to me before I got pregant and she was spot on.  I went to see her in January this year and she said in a few months I would be pg with twins - well she was right, although what she failed to tell me was that I would later m/c!  She did say to me that after the pg I should tell dh to get the snip (as if) as she could see another baby, conceived without tx - a little boy - I know its silly but I keep holding on to this little bit of hope............

Lots of Love

Cath xx


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ya  Cath,  i got the spell on ebay,  just typed in fertility spells,  and lots  came up. mine was £7.99 and came from a white witch called Mia,  hope this helps....  alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Thank you for your kind words.

Cath - Welcome back honey & lovely to hear you had a good time away with DD.  Our l/o had a lovely time on hol's too despite the weather - she had her first ride in a go kart (with DH), played crazy golf, saw a magician/balloon modeller/entertainer on 2 evenings, played on the beach & made lots of friends.  She has even more freckles on her beautiful little face now.  

JanineC - Like Alley & Cath said I don't think any of us are really ready to move on, myself included. Now we all have a l/o we know how precious it is, and I think it makes us crave it all the more.

Sorry this is going to be a "me" post again.

I did an HPT yesterday am and there was a very faint +ive so I called NHS Direct and then spoke to my out of hours Doc's service yesterday as the bleeding/pain was getting worse.  They believed it was an early m/c and asked me to call my Doc's to get a referral to the EPAC.

Well, I dropped DD at nursery and popped in to see my boss this am (should have been back at work after 2 weeks off).  He was really lovely - gave me a big long hug and just said to do whatever I needed to do - he would support me with whatever I needed.  Needless to say that made me  .  I came home and called Salisbury District Hospital O&G Dept to see if I could go to their EPAC rather than Bath.  They needed a Doc's referral so I called my GP (which I was told to do for a referral to Bath anyway).  The Secretary was concerned as I explained I'd also had a lot of palpitations this am, so booked me for an emergency appt at 9.30am with the Doc.  Jumped back in the car and saw the Doc (another internal   - you think I'd be used to them after the last couple of years, but this was really embarrassing - male GP with a female receptionist watching).  Anyhow, he rang the SHO at the Hospital and I'm currently waiting for the Hospital to call back.  He thinks they might not do a scan as it's only about 5 weeks and there won't be anything to see.  He thinks the body is just doing it's thing, and it's just a matter of time for the bleeding/pain to subside.

So, I think I'm going to have today off work, and provided things are better tomorrow I will go to work (better for me to be busy right now).

Enough of me ... I'm sorry if I've upset or grossed anyone out.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

julie - just to say thinking of you at clearly a difficult time - i am sorry xxxx


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Ah Julie Im so sorry.  I know its really hard but try and keep positive, you never know, things may turn out ok after your scan but if they dont just try and focus on the fact that it wasnt meant to be.  I know its not what you want to hear right now but I truly believe everything happens for a reason.  As hard as it is I have also had to try and accept that, I thought that after going through ICSI and spending over £5k on the  last cycle and getting a BFP, I couldnt belive how Mother Nature could be such a cruel witch when she took it all away from us but as my dh has kept telling me, it was for a reason and wasnt meant to be this time. I know its not easy to hear or accept (im still coming to terms with it) but you must take comfort in the fact that maybe it wasnt the right time.


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

JanineC - Thanks honey.

Cath - I do agree honey - that things happen for a reason, but like you say it's hard to get things into perspective initially.  I feel like it's my egg quality that's the issue and right now I'm feeling that it really is it for us now (although I don't want it to be obviously).  The one thing that I'm feeling better about is that it happened sooner rather than later, because I really doubt I could cope if it was in a few months time.

Julie
X


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi all  ,  julie what an awful time you have been through  my thoughts are with you , never give up hope.  Tiger hope all went ok for you , and you're not to sore,  OMG  i miss dd so much  , she is home thurs night counting the hours..... what did we ever do when she was't here,  oh roll on thursday I need mummy kisses and hugs so tight that sometimes she says "  mummy im not for squeezing" ha ha i miss her little smell and those munchey cheeks,  ok i need to calm down now   big hugs alley xoo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi all

Had the old wisdom tooth extracted yesterday and the procedure was fine, although once the painkillers wore off it was agony.  I have been popping pills all morning to reduce the pain (and swelling).  Have just found out this morning that my work colleague and his wife who are expecting a baby next month have just lost the baby.  Its really sad, as she was about 8 months gone - how tragic.  Feel really bad for them.  Why is Mother Nature so cruel?

Hope everyone is ok today.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Morning ladies

Just a quick one.

Cath - I am so terribly sorry to hear your work colleague's news.  On another thread I post on a lady there posted today to give us the same news (I wonder if you work together and it's the same person?).  I hope you are ok my lovely - I know news like that affects us all.  

Alley - One more sleep and you're little munchkin will be home.  My DD gives the tightest loveliest hugs - she hugs so hard so she can hear you squeak. 

Well, my blood results came back with a very low HCG level (Doc called about 8pm last night) so they aren't going to bother with another lot of bloods.  They are going to call back in a couple of days to find out in the bleeding/pain has subsided, or I may have to go in for some more tests.

Right, must be off - time to collect DD from nursery.

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi ladies

just popping in....

Cath, hope the pain and swelling goes down very soon, i had a few wisdom teeth out last april and remember the after pain yikes!
so very sorry to read about your work colleague and his wife thats so sad and tragic   

Julie, am so very sorry to read about your m/c sweetie, such bittersweet news re the hcg my thoughts are with you    you know where i am if you need anything sweetheart

janine welcome honey
Netty welcome to you also sweetie

Alley bet you cant wait for that hug from DD

Ladymoonlight hope ur ok hun

Nothing much to report here, just when you think your coming to terms with things something else happens sure you know where i am coming from

love to all
Em


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Julie - so sorry to hear of your blood results, was hoping that it would be good news for you.  Yes I think you may be 'speaking' to Kat on another board? She sits right next to me and is a very close friend.

Alley - not long now til your little one returns!! I know how you feel, my darling Ruby is going to stay at my mums this weekend, we will enjoy our Sat night out but when Sunday comes around Ill be rushing up to pick her up xx

Em - thanks for the sympathy, Im sure I will be right as rain in a few days!!

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Em - Thank you honey.  FF has once again proved to be a lifesaver for me.

Cath - Small world eh?  Yeah, it was Kat and she posts on the IUI girls TTC thread.  She has been sooooo lovely as well - no wonder you are close friends.  I am really  she get's her tx and BFP very soon.  Her avatar picture is beautiful.  I remember having 2 wisdom teeth out a few years ago - toothache is just horrible.  Hope the painkillers help to ease it.

Julie
XXX


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

Hi girls been a bit awol sorry.

feeling strange, my job is changing, my dd1 is off to school, dd2 is off to preschool and all my hopes/plans for our future are no longer  
No progression within current career to where I thought Iwas heading, no more children which I hoped we'd have.

feel very unsettled at the mo once we get to next yr I am sure things will be clearer.
Spent afternoon with my friend and her 4dd's - how i wished for a large family.

ok self pity over I have a job interview tommorrow to prepare and my hols on Sat!!!!

Love to all x x x x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Sarah ((((((hugs))))))

Sorry to hear you are feeling down - I'm sure this weather isn't helping any of us.  I haven't taken DD to our park in weeks because it's always raining.

Sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment - no wonder you are feeling a bit out of sorts and unsettled.  I feel very much the same at the mo with DD going off to school/change to my working hours/no more babies etc.  It's a tough time isn't it, but I really hope that we do all get clearer times soon.

Good luck with the interview tomorrow and great to hear you have hol's to look forward to at the weekend.  Where are you going?

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hello ladies

Sarah - hope the job interview went well, where you going on hols? 

Julie - hope you are feeling ok today, I know the weather at the moment is awful, am hoping it will be fine tomorrow, we live just next to a beautiful beach and love going down there when the weather is fine so hopefully it will be nice enough for a walk down there with dd.

Well I purchased it.....a fertility spell, dont know if it was the same as Alley's, must be, the ladies name was Mia so I guess it is, just gave her a bit of background info and she'll be sending it to me soon.  Feel a bit foolish being sucked into the whole thing and definitely not going to tell dh (he'll go mad) but if it works then I'll be happy to tell the whole world   

Cath xx


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

all,    my baby is back , yahoo,  oh she had a wonderful time went to zoo , animal farm and lots more....yes yes yes i squezzed the life out of her , and got my big hugs,  Cath hope your spell goes well , i felt a bit weird doing it  dh was'nt allowed home until i finished it ,  he thinks im an  for even getting it, but i got a wee bear as a charm to keep with me for luck, if he knew it was under my pillow i think he would have me committed     ,but thats our secret ladies   Julie hope you're feeling strong through this difficult time   be strong lovely lady,  I just found out today that my dd's chum's teacher died through breast cancer   she was only 37 and leaves behind 4 children age 6-15 ,  at times like that it puts everything into perspective, I myself had a close friend die through cancer and left behind two little ones age 4 and 7, and i tell you what seeing two little kids walking behind their mummys coffin will stay with me forever.....lots of love and hugs to you you all  alley xoxo


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

I am a bit rubbish at posting here  But I was offered the job woo hoo. Really pleased and go off on hols a little happier that I have a good job to come back too. I've been a flight attendant for the last 8 years (part time 5) and am now going to be a nursing assistant in an outpatients department 2 days a week, so big change not least normal hours but very excited about it all and a big challenge which will be good for me 

Sorry no personals will try harder when I get home
Love Sarah x x x x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

SarahC - Great news about getting your job.  Certainly sounds like it will be a big change, but how lovely to have a new challenge to focus on.  Have a lovely holiday honey.

Alley73 - Glad that DD has had a fab time and you are reunited once more.  So sad to hear about your DD's friend's teacher.  It's been such a tough week for so many people - I feel so  for those children.

Cath - Hope you managed to get down to the beach today.  DH & I went for a lovely walk this am at the Westbury White Horse, but I'd have preferred a walk on the beach.  It would be lovely to be close to a beach.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Good evening ladies - how were your weekends?

Julie - I did get to the beach on Friday and it was gorgeous, took my grandparents down there too and we had great fun, my dd is a real water baby, she cant even walk past a puddle without stepping in it or worse, putting her hands in it so as you can imagine - we all got soaked in the sea, it was cold but fun!  How are you feeling now?

Sarah - fab news on the job front and what a change of career.  Hope you have a great holiday.

Alley - So pleased your little one had fun, its great squeezing them isnt it, I never want to let go.  

As for me, had a great day on Friday (see above) and then dropped my little Ruby to my mums for the night, me and dh went to watch Batman, his choice, but I secretly enjoyed it.  Been to mums today for a huge family gathering, my mum is such a great cook and being italian there is always lots of food to eat, however, all I could do was watch and smell the food - havent been able to eat anything (except watery soup) since Tuesday and have since realised the dentist had cut into my cheek and has sewn my cheek to my gum, no wonder it so painful!!! oh well, the silver lining is that am now back to my pre-treatment size!! I put on almost a stone with the last tx and pg but am now back in my size 6 jeans! Back in work tomorrow, so fun over for another weekend........... hope my spell comes soon!!!

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies (well Cath anyway )

It's been really quiet on all the threads I post on this weekend - guess everyone had lots to look forward too.

Cath - Lovely to hear that you enjoyed the beach so much - my DD sounds just like yours - she just cannot walk past a puddle without splashing in it.  Glad to hear that you and DH got some "grown up" time together and had a lovely day at your Mum's today.  How terrible about what the dentist has done to you though my lovely - a very drastic way to lose weight I think.  Need I ask if you are planning to go back to the same dentist again?

Well, we went shopping yesterday with m-i-l and I bought another Radley handbag (but it was in the sale) - nothing like a bit of retail therapy after a tough week.  DH got a new shirt/tie/shoes for the wedding we are going to in September & m-i-l got the shoes/top she needed to complete her outfit.  This morning I had a really cleaning frenzy and cleaned like I haven't done in weeks which was really satisfying.  This afternoon we all showered/did our hair and I painted DD's toenails, before we went round to the in-laws for a family meal, with some friends who are visiting from Brazil.  We had a lovely time and thankfully the friends didn't mention babies at all.  Very nice evening actually.

So, back to work for me as well tomorrow, so I'll hopefully catch up tomorrow evening.

Hope everyone has had lovely weekends.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Julie

The dentist I went to wasnt my 'normal' one, it was a private one to which I had to pay over £250, Im sure they knew what they were doing but still feels really strange!!

I agree, there is nothing like retail therapy, although I am totally addicted to buying clothes and my biggest passion is shoes, I love them but unfortunately I never go anyway to wear them all, will have to start getting out more I think! So glad you got everything you wanted for the wedding.  My nephew is having his naming day this weekend so will be getting all glammed up for that, my parents are erecting a marquee on their land so should be a great turnout.  Funny thing, I painted my dd's nails on Friday for her, when I showed her my nail varnish collection she happend to pick the pink colour which just so happens to be the most expensive nail varnish I own - typical.  She kept taking her shoes off to show everyone her 'pretties' this weekend - so cute. My family are worried Im going to turn her into some 'barbie' child but no, I wouldnt do that, as much as I love makeup, shoes etc. theres nothing worse than seeing these young children that look like adults - I dont see anything wrong in a bit of nail varnish oh yes and fairy dust (sparkly body powder) 

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath

I'm kind of glad to hear that wasn't your normal dentist, but still amazed what they did.  .  Hope it's feeling better now.

I daren't give my DD the choice of nail varnish colours - but I've got a really pretty light shell pink colour which is very pale if just one coat.  I certainly don't agree with make up/jewellery etc for little ones, but like you say a bit of pale nail varnish on toe nails is ok.  She looked so beautiful last night - was wearing a pretty Laura Ashley dress my friend bought for her birthday, with a silver bracelet which her Great-Granny bought and a small cross/chain that my Bruv bought for her Christening.  She wouldn't usually wear the jewellery, but it was just for a special family party.

I hope the weather is good for your nephew's naming day.  Wow a marquee on their land!!!  .  We can't even fit our tent in our back garden. 

Do you think we scared everyone else off?  Hope not.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Sorry ladies , we had problem with the laptop, but im back.....oh girls major crisis at the weekend, well let me tell you.. now i have been dyeing my hair for many year's now [im naturally a light brown] so last summer i was blonde and i loved it, but my hair fell out in clumps  so i had to get it cut up in a bob to my chin... i was gutted. Anyway for a year i have been growing it , and not putting my beloved GHD near it, well it's now down to my shoulders[ still to short for me] so i had to go back to brown which i kind of liked... but then on saturday i went into Boots and bought a chocolate brown, HELP IM BLACK omg i look like a crow  not good , and it's permenent, oh im a silly cow...... im loving all the nail polish, as you my dd is more of a tom boy but she just loves our pampering days, yeah for glitter and all things pink, hopefully i can convert her, as i could open a shop with all my lotion's and potions alley xoxo


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

sorry ladies , i ment to say AS you may know my dd is a tom boy...  i should read my post's ... bad me  but you get my drift anyway    sorry  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Oh alley you poor thing - the same thing happened to me a number of years ago.  Touch wood, Ive not needed to dye my hair (for grey reasons) and my hair is dark brown however, I was in a bar a few years ago and I saw this girl with blue/black hair and thought she looked amazing - I bought a black hair dye put it on and it looked horrendous, my dh is very complementary towards me and never says anything bad - however he said how awful I looked etc. tried to 'strip' the colour from my hair and it went red in patches, it was so awful - in the end I went to a hairdresser and he said as my hair was black there is no way they can lift the colour - the only thing they could do was put light brown high lights through the hair to give the overall appearance of a lighter colour - a few weeks later, my hair started snapping off, I was devasted just before my wedding, luckily enough it didnt get to bad - anyway, I have not played around with hair dyes ever since!!!!! a harsh lesson learned for me!!  

My dd can also be a bit of a tomboy, she loves getting in the mud and all dirty but then some days if she gets a speck of dirt on her hand shes shouts 'mummy - wet wipe!' - funny creatures!!

Julie - my dd also wears jewellery (for special occassions) I think its lovely.  Checked the forecast and weather is good for weekend phew!!! am really looking forward to it, its the first bit of socialising I have done in a long time - oh and looking forward to a few cheeky wines to - again something I havent done for a long time.

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies 

Alley73 - Sorry to hear your laptop has been playing up, but lovely to hear from you - it was becoming the Cath and Julie thread .  My DD can be a real tom-boy at times, but sometimes loves to be really girly.  Sorry to hear about your hair dye problem.  I've never yet dyed my hair, but there are a few greys appearing so I'm wondering what I'll do.  I have what I would describe as "faded ginger" hair, but DH and most other people say it's strawberry blonde.  It naturally has lots of different colours in it - ginger/blonde and now unfortuately white.

Cath - Glad your hair dye experience didn't turn out too badly.  Your DD sounds very similar to mine - she comes home from nursery all muddy sometimes, yet flips out if she gets muddy in our garden.  Lovely to hear that the forecast is good for the weekend. Hope we can all make the most of it.  I had a glass of red wine on Sunday night and it was lovely.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Well my spell arrived yesterday so did the first part of it last night and will conclude the next part tonight.  Have also been given a really cute charm to keep with me (silver baby footprints), you never know..........


Cath x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hello ladies   how are we all?  well i hope?  We took dd ice skating yesterday,  well dh sat on the side-lines and had a good laugh     ,  now the last time i did this i was about 25,  and as far as i can remember i was fab at it   well ten years later i thought it would be just like riding a bike and i would be like something out of dancing on ice, oh how wrong was i ........anyway dd loved it even though she had spaghetti legs ha ha    . On the way home we stopped for lunch at a little country pub,  which had a kids play area , dd said it was the best day ever ahh,  so anyway have a wonderful weekend,  dh working tomorrow nite    but i will get by with some vino and big brother     oh poor me.... opps Cath have a great naming day,  sounds great,  and Julie  hope  you're feeling stronger   talk soon chicks          alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Cath - Lovely to hear your spell finally arrived & the silver baby footprints sound lovely.  

Alley73 -  - about your spaghetti legs comment.  I've only been skating once (and never had roller skated) and it was far from Dancing on Ice - slipping/sliding/panicking definitely and very un-graceful.  I did only fall over once though (probably because I clung to the side most of the time).    Lovely to hear that DD had such a fab time though.  So ... another BB fan then.  Wonder who will be off home tonight - I'm really hoping it will be Nicole.

Well, I started bleeding again last night and lots of sharp pains too.  I'm beginning to think it might be my AF, but it's funny timing.  Guess it's bound to be a bit out of sync after my m/c though.  Feeling quite faint and shakey today, so after dropping DD at nursery, I popped to see a friend and came home for lunch.  Put my feet up and straight here onto FF till DH comes home.  Bless him - he was hoping to play golf this pm, but because I feel so poorly, he's coming home early and picking DD up at 4pm.

Hope everyone has some nice weekend plans?  Wonder how Janine/Netty/Ladymoonlight/SarahC all are?  Sarah is away on hol's still I think.

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hello,

Just found this thread and think I might need to post on here for a while. Just found out this morning that our very last cycle hasn't worked. We can't afford any more (financially but emotionally too). We're lucky to have our son who's nearly two. But so very desperately sad that we can't have another child.

We've been 'unexplained' for five years now and never had a natural pg so I know there's not much point trying naturally (even though we have been, as well as all the tx). So now I want to put this hugely painful part of my life behind me, and give up and move on. But how? I think I'll need your help. I know I need to grieve again and it's not a quick process. I still feel quite numb to be honest as I was convinced this cycle had worked. 

Anyhow, look forward to getting to know you. 

Abby
x


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Welcome Abbey - your story sounds very similar to mine (and a lot of other ladies).  Like you our last cycle (for financial and emotional reasons) which we had in June resulted in a BFP but sadly m/c at 5 weeks - it was our last attempt and we are gutted. Like you we have never had a natural pg but am hoping and praying that it will happen eventually as much as my dd is my whole world, havent given up hope of having a sibling for her.  Look forward to chatting with you.

Julie - my af also arrived about 3 weeks after my m/c which was quite early for me and havent had another one since, so just hoping that she will turn up and hope my body has gone back to normal.  Glad you could rest today, Ive been with dd all day and weve been so busy am just exhausted - getting ready for the party Sun so helping out tomorrow with all the arrangements!

Alley - so glad you enjoyed the skating - dont think I would be that brave!!  Some Vin Rouge and BB sounds like my evening tonight too!!! Boot Nicole out, what a selfish, miserable cow!! Out, Out Out!!!!

Enjoy your evenings lovelies!!!

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh, this is going to start into a BB thread if we aren't careful .

Abbey - Welcome my lovely & your story sounds just like most of ours.  We had our last tx in June which has just ended in a m/c.  I'm not really ready to move on, and I am really grieving for what's just happened.  I'd love so much to give DD a sibling - she wants to play Sisters all the time at the moment. .  My DD is my whole world too & although I am eternally grateful for the unbelievable joy she brings, I would love another pregnancy, anther labour even, and to give DH another baby.  So, you are among ladies who care & understand honey. The lovely thing is that we all have somewhere (here) that we can turn to.

Cath - Hope you have got your feet up now, glass of wine in your hand, ready for BB to see Nicole getting booed. 

Sweet dreams all.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Cath and Julie, thanks so much for the welcome. I'm very sorry to hear that you have both had very recent losses. That must be so much more difficult to cope with, as getting pg in the first place always seems like the biggest hurdle, and it seems particularly cruel to experience that loss after going through the ordeal of tx. Hoping you find the strength to cope. 

Julie, I know what you mean. I absolutely loved being pg with William and was even hoping I'd get to experience labour again - not in a weird way, it's just that everyone says it's meant to be 'easier' second time round as your body (and mind) knows what to do more. I'm just sad I won't ever get to do that.

I'm going to try and go for a counselling session soon. Even though I've never been pg naturally, I think deep down there's still a tiny hope that it will happen. I think I really need to let go of this, or else I'll still be working out in my head when the best time is to have sex each month, and all the stuff that goes along with it. I think I need to really accept that we're not going to have any more children, rather than keep this feint hope alive, or I think it will just go on hurting more and more. 

I'm also tired of feeling angry with my body. I know there are no answers as to why it didn't work for us this time. But I was sure that with good embies, and the fact that my body has been pg before (twice), it would manage it one last time. We've been trying now for about six years, and it feels like a long time to be angry with myself. So I think I'm ready to let it go. 

Sorry, I'm just rambling now. But, yet again, it's a lifeline to have people to talk to who know exactly how I feel.

Thanks,
Abby
x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies, hope you are all enjoying the long Bank Holiday weekend - I had to work today .  Not a great weekend - been quite anaemic, so topped up with some iron rich foods and supplements which seems to have helped.

Abby - No need to apologise for rambling honey - I'm one of the worst ramblers I know.  .  Like you I've been angry with my body for a long time now - and never more so than the last couple of weeks - and I'm sure it's not healthy.  I still don't think I'll give up hope until I know for sure that it really is all over for us.  We are seeing our Consultant on Sept 11th and unless he says then that there is 0% chance of things working naturally I guess we will just keep trying in the vague hope.  However, I don't think I could take another m/c and if that happened again, I think that would be it for us.  Due to my d/x of being peri-menopausal I've felt that so long as I'm having my AF's there is still a chance.

It's so easy to advise other people and not take your own advice - but I'd definitely say try not to be angry with yourself, and don't completely give up hope.  I think we all need a bit of hope in our lives.  

I hope you get on well with your counselling session honey.

Ramble as much as you like as often as you like.
.
Julie,
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ya ,  ladies  how are we all on this bank holiday monday?  first up HELLO Abby  you're very welcome to our wee thread,  i  for one never thought i would be posting here ( no offence ladies)  but through time i have come to terms with my fate, that i will be a mummy  to one   Now as much as this breaks my heart  i feel blessed to have to have my dd, but the feelings just won't go-away ,  yes i want to be pg again , and all that comes with it , unlike you Abby i had a natural bfp ,( well two counting the horrible ectopic)  so i will always live in hope that a miacle is just around the corner. Wishful thinking you might say.... but it's the only thing that keeps me sane some months, and in another way it drives me mad   my body did it before so why give up now when i need it the most .........So thats my rant over , hello  Julie  and Cath   well i had a fab friday night  some vino and BB  ,  glad nicole went( selfish cow)  on saturday dd  went to to another birthday party,  and on Sunday  we had a dvd day (raining all day)  bliss.  So tomorrow  we are going to Dublin Zoo     ,  oh i cant wait,  we are taking dd's chum , and im doing  a picnic  ,  hope the rain stays away    nite nite  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi everyone

Back in work today and completely shattered.  Had a fab weekend, had the naming day Sunday (for those on ********, will be posting photos later!!) and luckily the sun came out - it was a beautiful day, lots of socialising & drinking - think we got to bed around 3am!! Ruby was so good, she had gorgeous fairy wings and she was so well behaved, chatting and entertaining everyone, she said to me about 7.30pm 'mummy, Im tired now, want to go to bed' - after we put her down, she went straight to sleep and the fun and games began!!!! she's so well trained for a 2 1/2 year old!!!!!

How did everyone else enjoy their weekend? 

Alley how was the zoo? 

Julie - what did you get up to?

Abby - hope you had a good weekend and on a different note, I think counselling is a wonderful idea, I know it really helped me, I was diagnosed with Post natal depression a year after my daughter was born and I attended regular sessions last year - it really helped me a lot and have become more confident since and am also able to talk things through with dh a lot more which is always good x


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi folks I have been reading every day, returned to work today after a year mat leave, and its been somewhat preoccupying as i am sure you can imagine, it was so strange being back at work, leaving my little sweetie at the nursery, and being back at work where when I was then last, i was pregnant, so full of joy and excitement..... and of course with that comes the sadness of that not happening again - bummer.
I have read posts where people lament how lonely their single child is, and I think about that often, when do people start noticing that their LO's are missing the playmate that they have never had ? what do you do to compensate ?
love 
Janine xxx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies 

Hope you all enjoyed your weekends.

Alley73 - Totally agree - I was soooo glad that Nicole went.  As usual I think Davina gave her an easy time though.  Hope your day at the zoo went well and the weather was good enough for you to enjoy your picnic.

Cath - the naming Day sounds lovely & bless Ruby for being so good.  We've put DD down to bed and carried on celebrating downstairs many times, and it's lovely because she gets fun in the day, and we get more grown up fun in the evening.  We were always worried about putting DD down to bed at 7pm/7.30pm from an early age, but I have to say it's paid dividends.  No wonder you are shattered back at work today though.  I expect Kat was tired after her weekend too.

Janinec - Hope you got on ok at work today my lovely?  It's so hard to go back after being at home, but I'm sure your little one will soon settle into nursery and be a happy and confident child.  Sometimes my DD does seem really lonely - always asking me to play with her, and wanting to play sisters , but I try and arrange play times with her friends a.m.a.p.  It's really only the last year that I think she's been very conscious of being on her own - particuarly because most of our friends (and her friends) now have younger siblings.  

Really busy day at work today, as my job share is off for the rest of the week, and after next Mon/Tues I'm off for 4 weeks to get DD settled into school.  Still, tomorrow we are going with a couple of friends and their l/o's to an indoor play centre, and hopefully on Thurs we are going to the local town park with another group of friends so lots of keep busy with.  We are hoping to go camping at the weekend if the weather is good.  Fingers crossed.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hello there

Thanks again for all your comments. 

Tiger, I'm glad to hear that counselling helped you last year. I'll probably only have one session for now in a couple of weeks time, but I think I really need it and will see if I need any more.

Alley, how was Dublin Zoo? We went to London zoo on Sunday with some friends and had a really lovely day. 

Janine, my little boy is just about to turn 2 and I think he's probably too young to miss having a brother or sister yet, but he is very fascinated by babies and I know he would be a wonderful big brother if we'd been lucky enough.

Julie, thanks for the ok to ramble. I think I'll be doing a lot of it for the next few weeks/months but know that I'm lucky that everybody on this board understands  Keep looking at the cycle buddies thread I was on and seeing that most people are now pg, which is obviously fantastic for them but I just keep thinking why couldn't it have been me again?

Yesterday we met up with our local mums and toddlers group, and one mum was talking about another (who wasn't there) who has a 2-week old baby. She was saying she went round to see her and how lovely it was that she was just full of the happiness that is a new baby in the family. I had to move away and play with William on the climbing frame so they couldn't see the tears in my eyes. I know eventually it won't be so raw, all this hurt, but it really set me back. When I woke up this morning, I had that horrible depressed feeling of 'what's the point doing anything' (not like I don't have millions of things I have to do!) so am a bit worried that will build up. 

Anyhow, just finishing some work this evening so at least I don't have too much time on my hands for now to think about things.

Thanks for listening to me, again.

Abby
x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

ladies,
                    well we had a great day at the zoo, and the rain stayed away,  had our picnic  beside the duck pond,  ooh it was fab,  it felt great having dd and her chum, they loved it , i kept shouting GIRLS come back, and i think most people thought that they were both mine, on the way home we stopped for pizza , and dd's chum said she was sore from laughing, so a great day had by all....

            So who watched bb  ?  was'nt it great ?  good on the girls for splitting the money.

            well dd is back to school on monday, she cant wait to see all her mates again,  she will be in p4 oh how time moves so quick.

            ladies i think since dd went to school she has asked to be a big sister, most of you're kids are younger than my dd ( she is 6 well 7 in march)  i think when they go to school they become more aware of other kids siblings, and yes im not going to lie, when they do ask when it is going to happen to them it is heart-breaking, what do you say?  as my dd has got older i have told her that mummy's  tummy is broken, and that she just might be my one and only baby(  sorry big girl as she corrected me)  and it must be the innocence of kids but she said "more toy's for me then mum" ha ha   

                                              good nite ladies chat soon alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Morning ladies

Oh, it's so lovely having this thread to turn to.  People who do understand.

Abbey -  - we have been going to a Church playgroup since DD was 7 months old, and as she starts school next Thursday  we won't be going anymore.  I am the only one in the group of about 30 ladies that only has 1 l/o and I've been really upset about it this year.  They will all be continuing with the group, and I can't go anymore.  .  I think it really starts to hit home that you've only got one when you are facing them going off to school.  I have times when my eyes well up too and I just have to move away, but thankfully there are the occasional days when I look at people struggling with 2 and think - well at least I've only got 1 to contend with.

Alley73 - Lovely to hear that you had such a good day at the Zoo & the weather was nice.  We are supposed to be going to a big park locally today with friends but it's been raining all night and it's cloudy and miserable today.  .  I totally agree about l/o's not being too conscious of being an only child till about school age - it's never really dawned on DD until the last couple of months.  She suddenly realises that all her friends (bar 1) has older or younger siblings.  Loved your DD's comments about getting more toys - bless her.

Hope everyone else had a good day yesterday & has some nice plans for today.

Still hoping to go camping this weekend, but the forecast isn't so good for Fri and Sun.  

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Am in work so just a quick catch up - how are we all?

Abby - I totally know where you are coming from, I still cant bear to be around pregnant women or people who have just had babies or anything like that - I am still finding it really hard to accept and to be honest, my dh and I have decided that we will give ourselves a few months to get back on track and we are going to look into adoption.

For me, its not necessarily about getting pregnant and having a newborn again, because to be quite honest I hated being pregnant, I was so ill and suffered with placenta previa so was in and out of hospital with so many scares the thought terrifies me.  Also I didnt really like the baby stage that much, most of it is a blur to me because of the PND but I do know I would love a bigger family and if I can give the opportunity to a less better off child I would welcome it.  How do you girls feel about adoption?

Alley - I think you handled dd question very well, I guess when they get to that age they are curious about things, my dd is only 2 1/2 so not quite there yet, although she loves babies and other children, shes not yet asked for one!!

Julie - shame about the weather - another thing we cant control eh!!  Hope you manage to get out and it clears for you later.  How are your camping plans shaping up?

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - Hope your day at work was ok.  It's so sad to hear you had such a bad experience of being pg and when dd was newborn.  Although I had a great pregnancy (well apart from m/c DD's twin and being sick/heartburny all the way through ), I certainly struggled when she was born.  I finished work on the Friday and had her on the Saturday, 4 wks 1 day early.  I had a big blood loss, during a ventouse delivery and to quote the obstetrician "we've got about 2 minutes before we lose her (me), if we don't get this bleeding under control".  I wasn't given a blood transfusion, so spent the first few weeks really anaemic and struggling to b/f.  After 6 wks I gave up b/f because I had lost so much weight and was suffering with PND, and finally things started to improve.  Although DD didn't sleep through till she was about 6 months, which I found hard to cope with, I still overall really enjoyed the whole experience and I'd happily go through it all again.  I can totally understand though that it's not just about getting pg and having another baby sometimes.

Adoption .... mmm, that's a toughie for me if I'm honest.  I really hope nothing I say upsets anyone at all.  Lots of people asked us if we'd consider it, but DH is really against it and I've never really pushed him to find out why.  A small part of me thinks I'd at least consider it, but I've been over-analysing things (i.e DD's reaction etc).  I think if I hadn't had any children I would definitely be considering it, because it's in my heart to love children and have a family, but because we have DD it seems different somehow.  I do think it's the most fantastic thing though - to welcome another child into your family and surround it with love.  I have no idea what the criteria are like and restrictions like age etc.  I'm sure you know there is an adoption/fostering thread on FF so there is bound to be a mine of information there.  I'd say follow your heart honey.

Changing the subject slightly. 

Still haven't really decided about camping - thumping headache today.  Will wait till DH is back from work before deciding I think.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - oh my gosh, your experience of pg seems much worse than mine, you poor thing.  I also gave up b/f after 3 months as wasnt producing enough because like you I had a lot of weight loss and was struggling to cope being the only one to be able to feed dd - im glad I did it but didnt feel at all guilty for giving her a bottle!  Dh used to say that he wouldnt even consider adoption but now hes really for it, he said he couldnt have contemplated it before we'd exhausted all options of having a natural child and we both now feel that we have so as we both want a larger family, I guess that is our next step. We are going to wait a while though and do all our research properly so we will wait and see....

Hope your headache eases a bit, off to catch up on BB, missed it yesterday - thank goodness for Sky Plus!!!

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - It was all ok honestly honey - it was certainly worth everything to have DD.  I think I only felt guilty giving DD a bottle for the very first time, and then I knew I was doing the right thing for her and me.  It's lovely to hear that your DH has come full circle and really exciting that you will be exploring all the options.  Lots of luck with your research and everything honey.

Headache just doesn't seem to be lifting - maybe I should switch off the computer as well .

BB was fab last night, but Davina, Davina, Davina - what is it with the bin bag look?  I've always looked up to her for dress sense/hairstyle/personality but not sure where she's at recently.  (Sorry I sound like a right bee-hutch).

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie you are absolutely right - why does she always wear black?

Cath x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

HI ladies , im minding my neice and nephew tonite,  just got all off to sleep thank god.    Cath i think adoption is wonderful, dh and i have spoke before about it, and he is happy to go down that route if needs be.  Girls sorry to hear your pregnancy stories......  but was't it all worth it    my pregnancy was great , no sickness , no heartburn, in fact only i had a huge belly i did'nt even feel pg, well up until the last couple of weeks anyway,  dd was born  TWELVE DAYS OVER DUE, and then just shot out after i was only in the delivery room  for one hour.....  i went from 1cm to 10cm in an hour, oh go me   
                                                                  take care alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Alley - thats it go on - rub it in!!!!!  you are right though, completely worth it - in fact, yeah I would give anything to do it all again!!!  Hope you had fun with your niece and nephew - sounds like youve got your hands full.  

Its my mums birthday tomorrow so yet again another party - nothing like being a social butterfly eh!!!

Hope all you other lovely ladies are well xxx


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hi again

Not sure if I should post but have had my lowest day yet. I really don't know how to move on with this. Just want to cry most of the time. I know things will get better but can't bear this sadness. Every time we go to the playground there are pg mums and mums I know from nursery who have newborns or babies as well as toddlers. Feel like I just want to disappear. 

I think I probably need some proper counselling. But you are the only people (and I'm sorry but feel really distant from my DH at the moment) who understand what I'm feeling. 

How do you get through it?

Abby
x


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Abbey - your poor thing, sending you a huge  .  You were right to post, I also feel sometimes that this is the only support I get, dh's are wonderful but they are stronger than us women and often seem to cope with things much easier than us.  I feel exactly the same as you, I am still raw from my last tx and also find it increasingly difficult to see pg women.  At my dd's nursery half the staff and parents are expecting and it is so hard to face them. I feel really ignorant but I cant even look them in the face.  I also found out about a week after my m/c that my uncle and his new wife were expecting twins, her due date is just before mine would have been and I cant bear to see them/speak to them.  Its really awful and not in my nature to be rude to anyone yet, when my dh comes home to tell me of yet another friend who is pg with their 2nd or 3rd babies I got mad at him when he tells me that hes congratulated them - It really annoys me.  Also hate hearing about people moaning about their pg (although I did all the way through mine!!) I just think dont they realise how lucky they are!  A good friend and work colleague of mine is going through tx and they dont have any children and I always feel really bad when i get down and winge to her because god love her, she hasnt even got one.  I do feel so, so, so grateful for being blessed with one miracle....I just wish we could be blessed again.

All the ladies on here truly know how you feel so dont feel bad about posting - you can chat to us anytime.

Be strong xx


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi all,  Abby  it's ok to have down days, i know belive me i have had many, there is not much i can say , but it will get easier i promise.  Your little one is about 4 years younger my my dd, and the pain wont go away but it will get better in time, as for me i have come to accept my fate ( mummy to one) and it is so hard to do,    

My cousin lives next door and is one of my best friends, she is about 2 weeks away from giving birth  , she has two boys age 8 and 5, and im so proud of myself because i can't wait until the babys here,  all my close girlfriends are now on their 2nd or 3rd baby but for some weird reason this is not a problem to me, what gets me down is standing outside dd;s classroom and seeing other mum's pg again  year in year out,  how loopy is that 

In work at the moment there is a girl who is pg , and im sorry to say" DONT WE KNOW IT" she cant stretch because she is pg, she cant bend down because she is pg, she cant cook her own lunch because she is pg,  and now she say's she wont use her mobile incase she harms the baby arrrrggghhh,  but get this she is still smoking,  "because it calms her down" i mean " what the f**k

          hpoe you are all well    alley xoxo


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi 
I would like to join your thread as i feel i can't leave completly yet i have spent a year on here and made some friends too   I had a hycosy 3 weeks ago and thats it for us as both tubes blocked and can't afford ivf and also don't want an op to remove tube with hydro .I also can't handle anymore stress  

I am doing well with accepting and want to acheive something now not sure what   but nothing holding me back now .I did have an awfull af after hycosy and i cried all week before it about all sorts of things but i needed a good cry ay


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies 

Wouldbegreat - Welcome to the thread honey.  As you'll have probably guessed despite it being called "moving on" most of us actually haven't really moved on yet.  So sorry to hear the results of your hycosy - we aren't able to have any more tx either, and I've just had a m/c recently.  No need to leave FF - stay with us.  .

Alley - OMG -  - I have to say one thing I get quite wound up about is pg ladies smoking & not looking after themselves.  They are so blessed.  Bless you though for being so dignified about your cousin.  I totally understand about being stood outside the classroom - my DD starts school on Thursday () and I've already had to stand in the playground with lots of pg mums and ones with babies.  Going to need some armour plating I think.

Abbey - Massive  for you my lovely.  We all have really down days, but I think if they start to happen too often, it's definitely worth seeing your Doc and getting some counselling.  I do talk to DH about things, but like Tiger says sometimes they are just so much stronger, and not so physically involved with what we have been through so can't understand.  DH also just said it's also because sometimes they are so upset they go and hide in their caves - the way that men deal with things.  

Cath - Massive  for you as well honey.  Like you I don't like being rude to anyone, but it's so hard sometimes to be jumping up and down with excitement.  A lovely young person at work has just had her first and I was really excited to hear it had all gone ok, but just couldn't cope with seeing any pics.  

Hello to everyone else - hope you are all ok, even if you are quiet at the moment.

So, I've had my last day at work for 4.5 wks - as I'm off to settle DD into school .  There is only 1 other single child in DD's class .  

Had a lovely weekend away camping at Wareham Forest, but DD just wanted to be with other children all the time which was really upsetting.  She has wanted to play sisters with all her toys and friends recently and it's been very hard to hear.

Anyway, I'm off to have a soak in the bath - hopefully be a bit chirpier after that (Bath, Ben & a drink - Ben Fogle's book that is and a glass of squash ).

Love & hugs to you all,
Julie
XXX


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## roo (Mar 14, 2005)

Hello Ladies
I wondered if I might join you, I've just read through the last few pages of posts and can relate to many of your stories and feelings. I had my DD on our 3rd attempt of IVF 6 years ago, since then we have had a further 6 attempts( I can hardly believe that as I write it). We have recently had our final attempt- obviously negative, and I have finally had enough..... our consultant gave us the donor egg chat at our last review, so it really is game over for my rubbishy old eggs ( I'm 3 with a low amh and poor ovarian reserve.

I feel like I've failed my DD, she is so lovely,  she never asks for a sibling but she always wants to play sisters and I think she is quite lonely although I try fill her life with friends and happiness.

I have had counselling and I'm probably as near to coming to terms with this situation as I ever will be, but it never goes away. We are considering Donor eggs now....not sure what I feel about it yet but we are now on the waiting list, its a whole new can of worms!

Sorry to go on, best wishes and hugs to everyone else here
take care and hope we can 'chat'
Roo


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya Ladies

Welcome to roo and wouldbegreat

Julie enjoy your time off, i hope that your DD settles into school without probs 

Abby sending you a huge big  

Hello to all

It seems we are all in the same boat really 

have been a bit quiet as i have been feeling just how i did when i got my bfp with DS and AF has been a little late, i was leaving it til sat then testing, well my bubble was burst yesterday afternoon when the  arrived and its been really evil, i have severe endo and my left side is agony.

Was stupid of me to think it could really happen but we live in hope dont we

Love to all
Em


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Alley - omg dont know how you are able to hold your tongue when you see that your cousin/friend is smoking.  My best friend's stepdaughter (who is only 16 by the way!) has just had a baby boy, when she was pg she was drinking and smoking all the way through and towards the end I was so annoyed that whenever I knew she was at my friends house, I refused to go around - selfish, selfish, selfish!!

wouldbegreat - hi and welcome to the thread, we all know how difficult it is and can appreciate what you are going through.  I guess time is a healer but we all live in hope.......

Julie - so glad your camping trip went well but sorry to hear you were upset watching dd playing with her friends.  I have spent the weekend with my sister and her baby and it breaks my heart seeing dd with him - she calls him her 'brother'.  I know she is too young to understand the meaning behind it all but the other day we were watching 'Charlie & Lola' and initially I wanted to name dd Lola (but dh didnt like it) anyway, I said to her you could have been called Lola and she shook her head so I said ok then what would you like to be called and she replied 'sister'!! I nearly burst into tears it was so sweet/sad!!  Hope your dd settles into school ok.

Roo - hi and welcome, thought Id had enough with 6 tx in total let alone a further 6 more after dd was born, you must be a very strong woman to have gone through all that - I take my hat off to you.  We would all do anything for a sibling so I guess it must have been determiniation on your part.  Its easy to think of ourselves as failures, I know a part of me still feels a failure as a woman as I am unable to do the things that nature intended women to do however, you mustnt feel like you've failed your dd.  She knows you love her and that may be all she needs.  I am sure when she is old enough to understand what you have been through and how determined you were to give her a sibling then she will have the greatest respect for you.

Heffalump - so sorry to hear af has shown up for you, she really is wicked.  As for me, Ive not had a period this month either and my (.)(.) are absolutely killing me however, I know Im not pg and to be honest its no suprise af hasnt come, after having my wisdom tooth taken out 3 weeks, still cannot eat properly and basically living on a liquid diet, have also been feeling really ill so my system is probably all over the place.  Wish she would show up however as would be nice to get back on track!!

As for me, we are going away this weekend to Newquay, cornwall next week so am really looking foward to it.  My sis and her dp and baby are coming as well.  It will be our first family holiday so looking forward to it.  Dh and I have had trips away since dd was born but have never taken her with us but now I feel she is old enough to take away so am hoping all goes to plan...........

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Morning ladies

Massive, massive  for you all.

Just quick personals as I really need to get some housework done.

Cath - Have a lovely holiday honey.  Hope your tooth is better soon, so you can start eating properly and then feel much better.

Roo - Welcome my lovely.  Hat's off to you for everything you have been through honey.  We have our last appointment with the consultant next Thurs and I'm expecting he's going to say donor eggs too.  It just wouldn't be an option for us.  

Heffalump - Was wondering how you were my lovely as you'd not been around.  Big ((((((hugs)))))).  So sorry to hear you've had such a tough time of it recently.

First day at school for DD tomorrow, but she still isn't 100% so hope that isn't going to spoil things at all.  Shed a few   after dropping her at nursery for her final session this morning.  We had pressies for all the ladies there and DD had drawn a lovely piccy of all the ladies and written "I love you all" on the back.  .

Catch up later.
Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Morning ladies
I have been missing for a few days, dh had laptop to work, dd loves her new teacher thank god and has setteled in well to school. On tuesday i cleaned out her room , all the toys she no longer plays with, while taking down toys from the top of the wardrobe i came across a box that i had forgotten about, it had dd's first pair of shoes in it, then the tears came   ,  i really thought i was getting past this, but it was awful, i couldn't stop myself, then last night while tucking dd into bed i gave her a kiss and called her my number one girl, told her that my mum called me this when i was little, and my little sis was number two and my little brother was number three, and baby sis was number four, she said " oh mum no number 2  3  or 4 in our house just me "  and yep tears again 
So i  hope everyone is well,  sorry about the me me me post.
chat soon alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Sorry I've been awol - busy few days getting DD settled into school etc.

Alley - So sorry you've been so upset recently my love.  It doesn't take much to set me off sometimes either - I packed up a lot of DD's old clothes again this weekend and I get quite upset when I see things that she looked so gorgeous in being put away.  

Lots of pg ladies & Mums with prams at the school last week, which was hard, but I just stood close to those that didn't.  Got talking to a couple of Mums, particularly one that I know only has 1 DD too.

Cath - Hope you are enjoying your holiday.

Roo/Heffalump/JanineC/Wouldbegreat - Hope you are all ok my lovelies?  No news from you for a little while.

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

HI all,
im feeling a bit better now,  well some-what better I HATE INFERTILITY sorry ladies but i just want to scream....... af has arrived , why oh why do i still live in hope, 
i think if i knew one way or the other that  i was never going to to have any more kids , i would think ok,  that is ment to be,  but every month i kid myself maybe this is our time.......i just want to know , so i can get on with my life, my birthday is 14th sept, and i will be 35   , help time is not on my side    (sorry chicks but i feel old)   so what im trying to say does anyone have a crystal ball?  if so let me know    

oh PS julie you and you're dd look so fab in you're picture   

take care lovely ladies  

alley   xoxo


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hello girl's 

I do understand how you feel i think even though i have been told my tubes are blocked and one has hydro i will always wonder every month  My consultant told me my tube may of gone into spasm when i had hycosy although unlikely i wish i didn't know this fact  

Wouldbegreat


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi folks, i am around, still reading, still sulking !
My little schmoo started gymcats class last week it was such fun, we had a great time ! and one of the mums i know whose little boy is the same age as mine announced she is 8 weeks pregnant, she looked all chuffed and glowing, there were several there sporting their bumps, and  some newborns in their carseats on the sidelines too. 
Gosh i was sooooooooo miffed off, and i had to tell myself this is just the start of it, my littleun is one this week, and all the other mums will be / are trying for their number twos ....
I just want to shout at them bog off and dont talk to me anymore, i am not interested in your dull egocentric claptrap ! 
But trouble with that is, is that my littleun likes spending time playing with their littleuns, so I guess i will keep smiling and being sociable and hating them inside for never knowing what its like to be the sad cow that ended up with the guy with the defect..... rant rant ...rant !

sorry, but Julie, you did ask


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies 

Alley - I'd love a peek in a crystal ball if you manage to track one down honey.  .  I'm kind of hoping our Consultant says on Thurs that it's really all over for us, so I hear it from someone "in the know" and just give up - I torture myself each month just like you do honey.  Thank you so much for your kind comments about my new pic.

JanineC - So sorry you are having such a tough time of it my lovely.  It's really hard isn't it when you want your l/o to socialise with others, but then you end up having to make small take about their being pg or trying to get pg, when you know it isn't that easy for you.  .  No need to apologise anyway honey - this is the place to get it all off your chest anyway.  Take care of yourself.  .

Wouldbegreat - Just a big  honey.

Discovered another pg lady waiting in the playground today - just going to have to grow a thicker skin.

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hi there

Sorry I haven't been on for a while. Thanks for all your kind words. I have just been struggling so much that even coming on this site at all seems to set me back. I had some counselling last week and that helped a bit, so I think I'm going to take a bit of time off for now. 

But thanks so much for all your support. I may well be back in a little while, but just need time away from everything IF-related for now.

Love
Abby
x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Abby, i know how how feel, take time away from this site if needs be,    to you,

when i was went for my review appt with my doc he told me not to read any news papers or even watch the news if it was IF related, my dh chirped up that i was on on an internet site dealing with infertitily, and the doc told me to not log on to IF related sites,  HA HA i say   , it's the only bloody thing that keeps me sane , needless to say my dh agreed with with the the doc (a male doc i might add) ,  so i now have to sneek  on to this site as dh thinks im becoming obsessed, so how weird is that?
Dh and i used to look at this site together, but since my tx and my eggs failed to fertilize , dh can't bare to see me upset, i try to tell him that this site helps me, but his is'nt buying it  
So anyway nite-nite  from a very secret alley


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya ladies

Abby sending you all my love and   
IF is a hard thing to deal with but moving on from that is harder still i think
I am glad that the counselling has helped, i think you need to do whatever you feel is best for you and if taking time out is what will help you then you do that, but please know that we will all be here as and when you need us sweetie

Alley cant believe a doc would say that omg what am i saying i could!

I guess dh wise i am quite lucky hes quite understanding and thinks somethings wrong if i dont log onto FF's! he like me truly believes that if not for FF i wouldnt be posting on this board as i was told in 2003 that assisted conception wouldnt even bring us a miracle and was booked in for hysterectomy!

Julie how r u, how is DD getting along at school 

Janine sending you a big hug

Wouldbegreat hi hun, i think we always hope that a miracle will happen even when we are told its not possible sending a big 

Roo Hi and welcome to the thread

Cath hope that you are having/had a good break away in newquay

 to anyone i missed

Still getting over Af i think shes finally left 
we changed GPs yesterday as the ones i had i didnt feel i could go to, i am still in quite a  bit of discomfort after having DS ( i had ventouse and epiostomy) and was told what do you expect its not a normal thing you do every day, i have PND but its not addressed and feel its got worse DS's nurse thinks it needs addressing 
Its a bit further away from us but if we can all get the care we need then its worth the distance

love to all
Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies

Heffalump (Em) - Massive big  for you firstly my lovely.  I had a ventouse and episiotomy with DD (which resulted in a big blood loss for me, and I'd had no pain relief except gas/air), and it took me a long time to get over things.  I suffered with some PND but friends rallied round and finally getting the confidence to go to the post natal group also helped me a lot.  No wonder you wanted to change Doc's - if they are not addressing it, and helping you out.  Really hope that the new Doc's are much more supportive of you my lovely.  .

Abby - Massive big  for you too my lovely.  Like Em says, we will no doubt be around whenever you want to pop in and say hi.  You need to look out for yourself, and do whatever is right for you.  Maybe one day I'll cure my FF addiction, and set up a ******** account instead .  Take care honey.  .

Alley - I say whatever helps honey - it helped me (and still does) to know that I'm not alone in all this, and other people are experiencing the same emotions as me.  Luckily my DH has recognised how much support I've had from FF, and now I've actually met people from the site, that has helped too.  So.... secret Alley you be from now on.  .

Janine/Wouldbegreat/Roo - Hope you are all ok my lovelies?  

Cath - Think the weather is a bit up and down for you, but hope you are having a great time no matter what.  

DD is settling in really well at school - I am still really proud of her for taking it all in her stride.  There is only 1 other mum with just 1 l/o and we've kind of buddied up, and I've even asked her back for coffee next week.  Just trying to keep her busy, but not get her too tired out in the pm's, because she comes back from school tired but over-excited (not the best combination ).

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## lucy8 (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi- Do you mind if I join you on this thread?
I have a beautiful 4 year old dd from donated eggs (from my lovely sister) I know I am so very lucky to have her. I never mourned the fact I could not have my own child-it never ever bothered me- Ijust felt so blessed to finally have a child of my own after TTC for 7 years.

So why 4 years later do I feel so unhappy about only having the 1 child. I think it is because my dd started school last week and I feel so sad that I will not see her from 9am to 3.15. I hate being in the house without her because it is so quiet and I miss her so much. I suddenly feel so jealous of all my friends all of whom have 2 children and can continue to go to all the toddler groups,music groups and coffee mornings that I can no longer go to. I took my dd to a party last night and all of the other 12 kids there all had younger siblings!

I have also had so many insensitive comments recently including "it is about time you had another one"  and "are you having anymore now that Erin has started school" I feel like shouting at them all " I would love more but I CAN'T!!" One of the other mums said to me yesterday "it is such a shame that erin does not have any siblings to play with!" Why don't people just keep there comments to themselves.

I also do feel so sad for my dd that she will never have a sibling. I am very close to my sister and it upsets me that she will never have a fantastic relationship like that.

I can not speak to anyone else about how low and sad  I feel about this as No one knows about the treatment I had (except my sister of course.)

I would love to foster or adopt but my DH is against the idea

Looking forward to speaking to others who feel like I do.

Lucy


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya Lucy

welcome to the thread

what a wonderful sister you have hun 

I am not quite in the same situation as you all as the son i was told was not possible is only 4 months old but still the feeling for a sibling is still there 

Even now people are asking when no 2 is on its way and the oh your more fertile right now is really getting on my wick!

Hope all you ladies are doing ok and looking forward to the weekend

Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Lucy - Welcome to the thread my lovely & I think so much of what you are experiencing is the same as myself.  My DD has just started school and I only know I other lady with just 1 child at the school.  I don't even help to run the Church parent & toddler group any longer, because I don't have a 2nd child.  Massive .

Heffalump (Em) - So sorry people are already starting to suggest you should try for #2 my lovely.  What are people like   

Hello to all our other lovely ladies .

Well, sorry I didn't post since my consultants appt on Thursday, but we had some terrible news.  It turned out that the hospital neglected to phone us after the 2nd blood tests (after our m/c), which they should have done as my hcg levels had actually doubled (so I was still pg at the time).  However, they took more bloods on Thurs, and my hcg is now 1, so I have m/c.  My consultant is convinced that it was an ectopic pg as all the symptoms were there, and no sign of anything in the uterus on the scan.  He now wants me to have a laparoscopy and I've been put on the waiting list (currently 13 weeks).  I am scared STIFF of having it done again (last one was 15 ish years ago).  It's so hard to explain and still sound half normal, but I'm petrified of having a g.a. now I have DD in case something goes wrong.  I also don't want to have to explain to DD what's going on, because we've managed to keep everything from her so far.

Anway, that's what's been going on with me the last couple of days - hoping to get some sleep this evening, and I have had a lovely day (out with a friend and I had a Thai foot massage/Reiki treatment which was my lovely friend's treat to me).

Hope the weather is all good where you are, and you are having good weekends.

Big ,
Love
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi ladies

Julie - I am so sorry to hear your news, devasting enough to m/c I know but to find out you were still pg at your docs appt is just terrible.  

Got back from our hols on Friday night and am still exhausted - had a fab time though, first time we have taken dd away and it was wonderful, she was a little star.  We also started toilet training her earlier this year and she was doing really well, however after our last tx and the m/c she must have picked up on things (even though we kept it from her) and she regressed back to nappies.  Anyway, she has been doing well the last few weeks and am delighted to say that we spent the whole holiday/travelling with no accidents - am so delighted!!!  Back to work tomorrow and am dreading it but looking forward to a bit of normality too.  AF also arrived just before our hols   so must try harder this month 

A big welcome to Lucy - maybe in time your dh will change his mind about adoption, mine did and we are looking into it in the New Year.

A big hi to Heffalump, Abby, Alley, Janine, Wouldbegreat and Roo - hope you lovely ladies are well.

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - Welcome back my lovely.    .  Missed you loads, but lovely to hear you've had such a fab time away.  Thank you for your kind words honey - yes, it's been another hard week, but it's behind me now.  Just need to get myself prepared for the laparoscopy and what that might bring.  Anyway, that's enough of me, how brilliant that DD had no accidents for the whole holiday too .  My AF is just arriving, but for once I'm ok about it, because it means things are still working as they should (well parts of it anyway).  So sorry to hear that you have to go straight back to work honey, and hope you manage to get a good nights rest and don't feel too exhausted after work.  Catch up again soon.

Love,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

all, 
Cath welcome back chick, glad to hear you had a good time on on your hols, oh is'nt your dd doing well, yeah for big girl pants    well done, good to have you back  

Julie im so sorry to read about your ectopic pg, but i   your wee tube is ok, you are a strong lady and will be ok (i hope) when the laparoscopy comes around  

I had a ruptured ectopic, and lost a tube , it was just awful, was off work for four months as i had so much blood loss, my sil is a midwife and was on duty the day i arrived at hospital, i ruptured on the table while i was having an internal scan, i took very bad cramps in my tummy while i was in work , and very bad shoulder pain (sign of internal bleeding) got to the hospital just in the nick of time as my dr told me if i had stayed in work i would have passed out , and it being so early on in my pregnancy ie;to early to tell any one, by the time the ambulance would have been called  i would have been dead...... 

sorry Julie but i hope this will not offend you or make you upset, but you did get pg, and as hard as it is to hear about your ectopic     your body is doing something right, you were pg, please take the positive vibe's im sending you sweet lady, i pray you will have a little bro or sis for your adorable dd    oh i hope i have'nt made you sad   

Hi to everyone else ,  hope you are all all well....



  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi everyone

Julie - hope you are doing ok hunny, really feel for you especially with dd to look after too.  I also agree with Alley, as devastating as it is to have had a loss at least you know you can get pg so you should take some comfort from that.

Alley - you poor thing, you have certainly gone through the mill.  I think it is wonderful to read other people's stories as we all realise we are not alone.  I know when Im feeling really c**p I hear about what other people have gone/going through and I think its not just me, there are other people who go through all the same emotions as us.  I think its only when we look back at our situations we discover how brave we actually are to go through it all and come out the other side.

Hope all you other lovelies are well - unfortuantely another busy day for me at the office............

Catch up later xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Morning ladies 

Cath - Thanks for your lovely words honey.  Actually, I'm finding that having DD has pulled me through this all so much quicker - think she's the best medicine I could have.  Just started my AF today and she is being evil, but I guess I should have expected that.  Also feeling really nauseous today (so much so that I've not done the grocery shopping & I'm not sure if I'm going to be well enough to collect DD from school  ).  My Consultant did say the the positive to take from this was that I did at least manage to get pg and I'm clinging to that hope now.

Alley - I'm not upset for me honey, just for you, after hearing how much worse your experience was.  I did have a lot of bleeding/nausea/faintness but thankfully it didn't progress any further.  I just want to find out damage has been done now.  

Hello to everyone else .

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Afternoon ladies

Just about to clock off for the day so thought Id check in on you all.

Julie - I agree with you, little ones are a great tonic for helping us recover.  I know when we had the m/c everyone was asking to have Ruby to 'help us' i.e. my mum etc. but I just needed her with me to bring me through, just wanted to hold on to her and not let her go - certainly made me realise how lucky I actually was to have her when we did - a true miracle!!  Hope you're feeling better today x

 to all the other girlies xx


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## AggieJ (May 4, 2006)

Hello

Not sure if I belong here or not? Just want to give you all a big FF   first...

We're slowly coming to the conclusion that we can't face any more tx and have been through enough. We were lucky to be successful on 1st attempt with twins, but my son Eddie died very early on. Am so confused as I guess I'm a mum of 2 but to the rest of the world I'm a mum of 1... Feeling sad as Jacob did briefly have a brother but now likely to be an only child (I know lots of research suggests that this can have lots of positives too but it feels like such a shame).
Here are the reasons why I don't think we'll try again...

1. Our marriage - it's doing fine but our relationship has been under so much strain with IF, tx, massive bereavement, looking after a small baby with reflux and little family support.
2. Fear - I still worry that Jacob's breathing (I know all parents do that)... I'm so scared of newborn babies. Eddie stopped breathing in my arms, I'd fallen asleep to find him like that. We had to have Jacob on an apnoea monitor after it happened which was very hard.
3. Possible genetic issues - they're still doing tests at Great Ormond Street... it's possible that Eddie had a rare metabolic condition. If he did then it's possible we could have another child affected. Will get results later in the year.
4. Fear of tx failing/ having twins again
5. Money - I have enough for 1 cycle. i have to go back to work f/t and DH be at home. Not what I wanted but I earn 12 grand more than him and I'm only a teacher! Have decided to go 4 days and use my savings to spend more time with J. Can't think of a better way to spend it.

Just feel so angry that we seem scuppered from every angle re having kids. I KNOW we're lucky to have our son but why does it all have to be so complicated? I already understand what so many of you say about seeing mums with 2 or more kids EVERYWHERE... I hate those Phil and Ted pushchairs, I call them "smug pushchairs" which isn't very nice but makes me feel better  

Love to you all

Kate xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Kate - sending you a huge   you are definitely in the right place hunny.  You have been through a terrible time and whilst I cant imagine how awful it must have been to lose your little baby, we have all been through our own emotions.

One of the main reasons we have given up on tx is partly to do with finances, we have spent close to £30,000 so far but the main reason is emotional fragility.  Our marriage has also been under huge strain because of it all and I have also suffered depression because of it (although am feeling normal now!!).  It must be terribly hard for you constantly worrying, I know I am extremely over protective of dd to the point where I probably smother her but cant help it - I bought an Angel monitor (for breathing) when she was first born and I still use it to this day (she will be 3 in December!) I must go into her room at least 3 times in the night just to check on her and to make sure she is really there!!  I also feel very cheated about twins, we lost dd's twin early on (at 6 weeks pg) and whilst I cant imagine how awful it must have been for you, I also feel sad when I see 'twins' everywhere (also seems to be really common right now), I also feel extremely guilty and often think 'I have one perfect child so why be greedy?'.  It took us 4 attempts of tx to have dd and we have since had a further 2 attempts this year (latter one ending in m/c) so I dont think I can take anymore tx but the longing does not go away.  Whilst we were told we had a very slim chance of conceiving naturally and I have never been pg without tx in the 5 years dh and I have been trying.....I still do not give up hope.

Lots of Love

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Kate - Massive  honey & thanks for joining us here.  Think you are amongst very like-minded people & hope we can help you.

Cath - I didn't realise you had m/c'd your DD's twin at 6 weeks - we m/c'd DD's twin at 6.5wks too.  I really hope I don't upset you by saying this, but since our IF was diagnosed, I've always wondered if that was mean to be our 2 l/o's and it makes me sad to think it.  However, I'm always, always sooooo glad that our little miracle survived and we have the joy of her.  It never ceases to amaze me how much we go through financially, emotionally and in our relationships in order to have another l/o and yet we are strong enough to still keep hoping.  .

Well, a tough 24 hours for me.  A friend texted last night to say she is 12 weeks pg with her 3rd child.  Whilst I am really happy for her, I am so hurt that she chose not to phone me or tell me to my face.  It really upset me last night.

Then we had a copy of a letter arrive today, which was from my lovely consultant to my doctor.  It just seemed so hard to see "ectopic" in black and white and an explanation about needing a laparascopy.  I spoke with one of the lovely fertility nurses today and she said they want me to stop ttc naturally until after the laparascopy, so now of course I would like it to happen sooner rather than later.  My biological clock has ticked far too fast the last few years, and I'm worried the batteries are going to run out .

Sorry this has been a really down post - I was actually feeling suprisingly chirpy till last night.

We are off away tomorrow till Sunday night for a wedding in Cornwall, so just because I'm not posting, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you.

Take care everyone
Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Oh Julie - you poor thing.  A friend of mine is pg with baby number 4 (all under the age of 5) and she knows about our fertility nitemare however she didnt know we embarked on our last ICSI attempt so she texted me around the time of the m/c and I sent her a msg to explain what had happened and that I couldnt face speaking to anyone right now - she promptly texted me back to tell me that she was also around 14 wks pg (due in December) - I just ignored the text and felt devasted - I mean 4 kids - thats just greedy!!!!!! Anyhow I had a msg from her just a few weeks ago saying how she had discussed things with her husband and they both agreed that they would be a surrogate for me - can you believe it! what a bl**dy cheek - I was fuming!!! the fact that they had sat down and discussed me in that manner - I hasten to add, I have not returned any messages or calls - cant face her right now.  People can be so insensitive, why cant they just be honest from the start? I understand that they feel awkward around the 'fertility challenged people' however, its even worse when everyone else knows and we are the last to find out.  Sending you a big   

Heres to hoping you get a date soon for your laparascopy, how do you feel about being told not to try naturally?  I think personally I would just carry on, if its meant to be it will.

Just finished my daily pilates/yoga session, dd in bed, dh just got home so going to pour myself a (small) glass of vino as its now the start of the weekend for me!!!

Lots of Love

Cath x  P.S.  have a fab time away - the weather should be lovely for you.


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - Oh thanks honey.  It's so lovely to have people that really understand.  I am so terribly, terribly sorry for what your "friend" said to you.  It is honestly unbelievable that she could suggest something so personal, with just an assumption that it is what you'd want.  I am stunned.  One of my lovely friends offered her eggs which I was so humbled by, and another friend who is older than me said she would love to, but thinks she is starting her menopause.  Those offers were genuine and lovely, but your "friend" is just unbelievable.  Like you say I can understand people can be awkward and don't know what to say, but genuine friends at least support you, even if they don't really understand it.  Massive, massive  for you honey.

I'm hoping we can get a cancellation because 13 weeks seems like such a long time.  Just have to hope and pray things work out for us.

Good on you for doing yoga/pilates daily.  Hope you feel better for doing it and hope you enjoy your little glass of vino.

Hope you have a lovely long weekend honey.

Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies

Kate welcome to our thread honey, you will get great support here ,  from ladies who all have had different journeys, but the outlook remains the same with us all , we want more babies  


Im just back from the hospital, my cousin had her baby, a little girl, after two boys they are over the moon, im so proud of myself as i held it together, well until i reached the car that is   :'  . On the way out to the car one of friends said" where you ok at seeing the little newborns"  i saw red " I DON'T WANT SOME-ONE ELSE'S BABY, I WANT MY OWN"  now i know she thought she was just looking out for me , and i should'nt have shouted, but i could'nt help myself, told her i was sorry and we hugged, 


Cath and Julie  the bloomin cheek of some people eh?  i mean text messages for gods sake  


take care ladies, chat soon  

alley xoxo


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hey where is every-one??

Cath im still speachless at your friends request to be a surrogate for you, i mean with out even having a private discussion with you, sorry words fail me....

Julie hope you had a fab weekend? 

hello to every-one else   

sorry its just a quick one from me, all fine here

hugs to you all   


chat soon alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

hi girls

Julie - thanks for the   hunny, we all need friends right now for support.  Hope you are having a lovely holiday x

Alley - you poor thing, good on you for holding it together - I dont think I could face seeing any babies right now but know exactly how you feel - Im finding it very hard to bite my tongue these days and I end up blurting out exactly how annoyed I am - I feel sorry for the people around me but we cant help what has happend to us and how we are feeling inside.

As for me, Im feeling great right now - the lovely weather makes a huge difference - have spent the day at our local beach, weather was gorgeous, dd was having a ball and dh and I are getting on better than we ever have !!!

Hope you are all well.

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Well I'm back after a mostly lovely weekend away.  Weather was fab in Cornwall, the venue for the wedding was lovely and they even managed to get married outside (with St Ives Bay as a beautiful backdrop).  DD was mostly really well behaved, and even asked the DJ if she could sing to "Sweet about Me ?" by Gabriella Chilme (sp?) which was so cute & so brave of her (must have been 100 people there  ).  We went down to Padstow today for a wander around and some fish & chips.  Not a bad drive back this pm/evening, but DD a bit late to bed (again).

Haven't got around to texting my "friend" back yet, and I know I must.

Cath - So glad to hear that this lovely weather we've had has made a big difference to you and you've had a lovely day at the beach.  Let's hope this weather continues for a while longer yet.  .

Alley - There were some pg ladies & babies at the wedding and out and about today, but I was actually ok about it.  Hope you are ok today my lovely.

Hello to all our other lovely ladies.  Have we scared Kate off already?  Hope not.  .  Hope Heffalump is ok  .

Right, well I've got some washing to hang up and I'm desparate for a nice soak in the bath before an early-ish night, so t.t.f.n.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi folks, I am still lurking ! ( and sulking ! - gosh will I ever  stop it ? - I take special effort to not be sad around my little treasure though I hasten to add)

Julie - your holiday sounds truly lovely, cornwall is our most favourite place and we know st ives very well (our favourite spot is treen / porthcurno -have you been ?)

Cath - intrigued by your "friends" surrogacy offer ? what a strange thing to come out with ?
Although I shouldnt be surprised ..... I have heard "why dont you use a turkey baster !"  how would that help with low sperm count ? I have heard "if I was in your boat I would just adopt"  - yes of course, I am sure its as easy as that (psychologically as well as strategically..)
the one that nearly got me responding VERY rudely - your daughter started off in a jar - I didnt respond, just walked away from that one, clearly a complete social retard and this weekend at a birthday party - oh your little girl looks lovely, save all her clothes for me, we are trying for number two, you won't need them ! 

GRRRR      

Love janine xx


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

hiya ladies

just a quick post from me to send   to all

Had a busy time as dh has been off work and is this week still!

Nothing to report here really i saw the haematologist last week re my anaemia and i have to take Zachary for his check at the hospital tomorrow afternoon, he had a loss of weight last week only a few ounces hope hes put it back on now though!

We will have to try and arrange a chit chat night in the chat room very soon!

Em


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## AggieJ (May 4, 2006)

Julie. Not frightened off... just in charge of a baby with "man flu" and a little weary. Jacob has a cold and every time he has he spends the whole time making this whimpering noise  it's JUST like my DH. I'm sympathetic while he still so small but won't be when he's bigger if he's still doing it!!   Sending you a big   as sounds like you really need one. Cornwall sounds fab btw

Em - sorry you've been poorly and hope little Zach puts on lots this week  

Janine - people are unbelievable aren't they That's so rude that someone could make comments like that to you. My favorite recently from a friend's wife was "well when you had IVF you didn't expect twins did you so I guess it was a bonus"... No    Eddie was one of my 2 children NOT a "bonus"    She has 3 kids of course, naturally conceived!!!!  

Cath - Thank you for your welcome. Sorry to hear about your friend... am sure she meant well but can see why it made you feel upset and uncomfortable   IKWYM about twins all over the place too   Each time I go out I usually see about 3 sets   for you

Alley - big   for you too

Thanks all for the welcome. I'm a bit sporadic when it comes to posting but great to see that this post is here... Wish I could wave a magic wand for us all  

Much love

Kate xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Julie, Alley, Kate, Janine & Em
Its so sad that we are all in the same boat regarding tactless friends and lack of support however, it is great that we can all confide in each other.  I seem to be getting better these days, feeling brighter but still wishing and hoping.  I bumped into a 'friend' of a friend mine in Newquay, she is due for her second baby in about 2 weeks time, her little boy is only 1.  This is the girl who told our mutual friend, when discussing my IVF first time around that she would rather have a natural conception as it meant her child was born out of love by its parents - WTF!!!!!! I think it means our children are loved even more when they are IVF as weve all gone through so much to have them, anyway....back to bumping into her, I asked her if she was having a nice holiday etc but didnt avert my eyes from her face (couldnt bear to look at the bump) and I didnt ask her anything about the pregnancy etc.  anyway the story got back to our mutual friend as she rang me yesterday to see if I was ok as our 'friend' and relayed the story and said 'she didnt even ask how I was and acted as if my pregnancy never existed' - I cant help it, that is just my coping mechanism there was no way I was going to get into a conversation about how 'wonderful' HER pregnancy has been .....perhaps thats why I am feeling brighter these days, blocking out bumps and pregnant women - ignorance is bliss after all........

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening lovely ladies & a massive group  I think to start with.

Cath - Born out of love      OMG that made me soooo furious to read it so goodness knows how I would react if someone said it.  The fact that we all have to go to such extreme lengths to have a l/o means we put even more into it, and love them just as much if not more.  We all feel like we have little miracles.  I guess lucky her for being so fortunate to conceive so easily, but I pity her views because she is obviously so ill-informed and i.m.h.o. totally wrong.  Oh, I'm mad now .  Don't blame you at all for just blanking things out - it's sometimes just what you have to do to get by.  Sometimes I can be fine about things and sometimes I just can't.

Kate - So glad we didn't scare you off honey.  My DH is just starting man flu ..... OMG aren't they terrible with it. .  I thought I was mad enough when I read about Cath's friend, but OMG - un-bloomin-believable what your friend's wife said about Eddie being a bonus.  Dear God what a unbelievably stupid and ridiculous thing to say.  Well, my blood pressure is definitely not low this evening.  What on earth makes people say such stupid things.  Better to keep quiet for goodness' sake.  Sorry to hear that Jacob has a cold too - so does my DD.  Just glad it didn't start before the weekend.  Hope your DH and Jacob will be much better soon.

Em - Massive  my lovely for you all.  Poor you with DH off work, Zach losing weight and you still trying to sort out your anaemia.  Hope he puts on lots of weight at his next weigh in, and you and DH are feeling much better soon as well.  Wonder what we'd be like if we got into the chat room - probably just trade stories about unbelievably insensitive friends .

JanineC - We've had the turkey baster comment & the adoption comments many times, but the jar comment is just ridiculous.  What is wrong with these people.  I wish they had even the vaguest idea what we have all been through, but I guess it just doesn't figure to them.  Big  honey.

Well I texted my "friend" and took the moral highground.  Just said "Sorry it's taken a while to reply.  Big congratulations on your fantastic news & hope we can catch up soon".  No mention of what we've been through, as I'll explain when we eventually talk I guess.  Haven't heard back from her yet, but no big surprise - she's probably annoyed I didn't immediately congratulate her  .

Went back to a new "school mum" friends house this pm whilst our l/o's were at school, for a cuppa and a chat and of course the subject of whether we wanted a sibling for DD came up.  She was really lovely though and it was nice to feel like I could be honest & open about it.  Turns out she has another friend who has just had a m/c so she understood lots of what we were going through.

Really need to get going, I've got some ironing to get done and some other bits to sort out.
Catch up soon my lovelies.  Stay strong & ignore the silly people's comments.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Julie

Sorry....didnt mean to make your blood boil!!!!!!   Good for you texting your friend, shame she couldnt return the compliement though!!!  so glad you felt you could open up to your new 'school mum' friend, I think some people are just to scared to talk about things but when we open up to people, (for me personally) I have certainly found that there are many women in the same situation or have similar stories to us and we can help them feel better as well by talking about things.  How is dd enjoying school?

My M.I.L. rang me yesterday, she has got me a ticket to see Diane Lazarus tomorrow evening, dont know if anyone's heard of her, she is a famous pshycic/healer, my M.I.L has lost both her parents recently and is going through a tough time so she is looking forward to going.  We are going for a few drinks after so looking forward to going out! She is then taking dd back to her house for the weekend so dh and I will be spending some much needed quality time together.

Catch up soon.

Cath xx


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## AggieJ (May 4, 2006)

Hey Julie

Your text sounds spot on!   again... it's awful when people we think of as friends can upset us so much. Glad you have others who understand though. It's amazing how the things that life throws at us change us so much- I guess other people don't necessarily come along with us. Much as I'd do ANYTHING not to have gone through the c**p I have in past few years (and I'm sure all you ladies would say the same) I do think it makes us more empathic people. Hope your blood has stopped boiling!  

Cath - the psychic lady sounds cool. Never been to anything like that, you'll have to let us know all about it. Have a fab weekend with your DH too... that sounds amazing! You'll have to get the silk sheets and Barry White out   

Just been to see a good friend and something she said really confused/unsettled me (but in a good way I guess). 

We're waiting to find out if Eddie died from having a very rare metabolic condition... Great Ormond Street have done some tests already but are doing more... If he did then this is genetic and could affect other children we had (or didn't in our case due to IF  ). Anyway, it's quite unlikely but we're waiting to find out (btw Jacob is FINE and doesn't have this disorder  )
Anyway she has a friend who's a genetic something (counsellor/scientist - shows how well I listen!  ) and my friend mentioned our situ to her. Apparently if you have a genetic condition in your family (particularly if a child has died from it), you are entitled to free IVF/screening. 

So annoying how when you hear something like that you can't help dreaming... VERY unlikely that Eddie did have this condition, might not be the case that we'd get funding plus there are lots of other factors preventing us! So my head needs to stop thinking about it. Just shows how complex it is (and for us all) - you think you have got your head around not having more children but I guess it takes a long time to get to that place (if ever)

Take care

Kate xxxxxxx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies 

Thanks for saying my text was just right ladies.  Still haven't heard from her.  

Kate - My blood has stopped boiling but I just read the last few posts to DH and he was totally shocked too about what some of you have had to endure from "friends".  No wonder you are feeling confused/unsettled after what your friend said to you today.  Can I ask how long it's likely to be till you find out the results from the tests?  I really hope it won't be too much longer, so you can really make some considered decisions about things.  Not sure if we will all ever really get to the place where we just accept not having any more l/o's .... well, I'm certainly not sure I will .... always living in hope.

Cath - I'm a bit calmer tonight, but I was just furious on your behalf.  Hope you have a fab time tomorrow evening with your m-i-l seeing the psychic/healer (I've not heard of her t.b.h.) and like Kate said perhaps the Barry White might need dusting off.  My m-i-l had originally said my DD could have a sleepover this weekend so DH and I could get some time together, but now they are going away  .  Hopefully we can arrange another weekend soon (not that we can have any BMS till after the laparoscopy, but at least we can have some long walks etc).

Janine/Em/Alley - Hello my lovelies.

Busy day today as DD was only at school this pm for 2 hours, so rushed around in the am with her running errands and doing the grocery shopping, then straight home for lunch and then kept busy whilst she was at school.  Cheeky little imp said "can you tidy some things up when I'm at school" as we were leaving   .  Wouldn't mind but it was mostly her's and DH's mess (as usual).  Should have been at yoga/meditation tonight but unfortunately my yoga teacher rang this pm to say she was poorly.  First time in 13 years I've known her to cancel a class so she must be feeling really poorly.  So, I'm going to catch up on here, then do my nails, have a long soak in the bath and then read in bed before an early night.  Lots of tidying/cleaning to do in the am  and then I've got a "new school mummy friend" coming back for a cuppa.

Right, manicure it is then.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Evening ladies

Kate - I second what Julie says, hope you dont have to wait too long for the results and on the other topic, Im sure because of what you have been through you should be entitled to free IVF, its definitely worth finding out about it and maybe if you feel stronger, you could try another cycle.

Love the Barry White and Silk Sheets comments -        

Julie - What a shame your m.i.l is going away, as much as I adore dd company its always lovely to have a weekend 'off' miss her like mad though and cant wait for her to come back but relish a bit of 'me' time.

What a shame that you had to miss your yoga class too, how long have you been practising?  Ive only been doing it for the last 5 years and have been teaching dd - in fact she's even better at it than me now!!! such a great stress reliever, however a long soak in the bath sounds like bliss!!

Catch up tomorrow girls!!

Cath x


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi ladies

Well I am officially a 'dirty stop out'!! I got in at 5am this morning!!!!!! and yes... I admit I was a little drunk!!!

Saw the Diane Lazarus Show - she was amazing absoluely brilliant, she has been on tv loads and is currently helping with the Madeline Mcann case.  Anyway....you wouldnt have believed it but she picked me out!!!..... she said she could see hubbie and how handsome he is on the inside as well, a beautiful person (this is true) she said he absolutely idolises me would do anything for me, described where we lived, our jobs etc and asked if I wanted to ask anything, well I said 'do you see any children in my future'? she said she could see twin boys around me and although I wont have to do IVF (again!) I would need a bit of help as Im not ovulating properly? she said to investigate this.  Dont know about that really as I thought I ovulated fine, anyway at the end I got a book signed by her and asked her again about the twins and she said about my m/c and that they were in the spirit world, however she did say I would definitely have another baby soon!!! I was stunned, when we left I looked at what she had written and the inscription says 'Patience.....as 2009 will bring more children!'.  How exciting!!

Well Im off to get some fresh air and blow my hangover away!


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Cath (a.k.a. the dirty stop out ) - Sounds like you had a great time honey.  How lovely that she picked you out and what exciting things she sees for you.  Fantastic inscription too for you to keep as a mantra.  Are you going to try and organise any texts into your ovulation now?  Anyway, hope your hangover has lessened.  Not sure the last time I had a hangover  .  I've practised yoga for over 13 years now and I love it.  My DD also likes to do some yoga at home, and we took her to a Yoga Bugs session when we visited Center Parcs at Elveden last October, which she just adored.  It's a shame they don't run any sessions locally.  

Kate/Janine/Em/Alley - Hope you are all ok my lovelies.

Well my friend still has replied to my text congratulating her, so I guess she is mad that I didn't reply immediately.  I would have hoped she would have understood it was hard for me to take in straight away, but then I've still not made the effort to phone her and update her on what's been going on with us.

Bit frustrated today, because I know I'm just about to ovulate (all the usual signs), and of course we aren't allowed to ttc naturally till after my lap.  Still, I know it's for the best really. 

Weather is fab here today, so it's been a lovely walk to school & looking foward to collecting DD in a bit.  Hope it's been lovely for you all too.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Julie

weather here as been fab too, been in garden all day, unfortunately I was not fit for anything other than a spot of cleaning and washing and sunbathing!!

I dont tend to dwell too much on what 'other forces' tell me but the ovulation thing has got my mind working overtime.  I used to take Agnus Castus to regulate my cycles so am thinking I may start taking that again, its not drugs and at least its herbal so surely Ive got nothing to lose.  Having a quiet nite in tonight with dh, missing Ruby already   but have spoken to her earlier and shes in high spirits!!

Cant believe your friend has not replied - if I was you I would text her again and say you were sorry you couldnt congratuate her straight away as you were in the middle of your own personal crisis and explain whats happened - that ought to make her think about her actions.  Good luck xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello Cath

Lovely to hear you've had fab weather too today - at least it was nice for Kat's birthday.

I wondered about taking Agnus Castus too as, like you say, it's not drugs and it's just herbal.  I wouldn't think you had anything to lose, and if it makes you feel like you are doing something positive, it might be just what you need.

Sorry to hear you are already missing Ruby, but hope you have a lovely weekend and make the most of just adult time  .  It's been months since we had a weekend (or even an evening without DD), so think I'll speak to m-i-l when they get back on Tues.  She offers all the time, but I don't like to ask much as she will be collecting DD from school twice a week for all of October.

Really don't know what to do about my "friend".  I'm tempted to actually give her a ring so we can actually talk for a change, but she doesn't put her l/o's down to bed till really late (9.30pm ish), and I'm usually quite tired by then .... well, certainly too tired to chat nicely to her .

Had a lovely day today really .... a FF lady who lives close to me popped in for a quick cuppa this am, and we ended up bumping into her at the park this pm.  The school walk was lovely as well in the beautiful sunshine.  Let's hope it stays nice for the weekend.

Catch up soon,
Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Julie

Glad you had a nice day yesterday, the weather was beautiful, dd came back lunch time yesterday and we all went to the local park, she had lunch outside the pub there but as she has such a poor appetite, she ended up feeding her fish fingers to the ducks!!!  Went for a stroll then to Mumbles Pier and stopped off for her to have an ice cream (no worries with the appetite there!!!), had a truly lovely day.  Back in work this morning and hearing all about Kat's birthday party, dh and I were supposed to go but unfortunately we never made it, ended up going out locally instead.  Dh took me out on his motorbike Saturday afternoon for a spin, was really good fun, hadnt been on the back of the bike since before Ruby was born so an afternoon of nostalgia for us both (however, my legs were aching like mad after!).

Did you have any joy with your 'friend'??

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello Cath

So glad to hear that you had such a fab weekend - weatherwise, and with some nostalgia too.  We went to feed the ducks on Fri pm before going to the park.

Mumbles Pier - now that is a trip down memory lane for me.  One of my ex-bf's was at Swansea Uni, so I travelled to see him and we went to the Mumbles (doing the Mumbles Mile once I seem to hazily remember ).  

Hope your legs recover soon .

Did you decide whether to start taking the Agnus Castus again?

My "friend" still hasn't replied and I'm pondering whether to ring or not.  Really don't like the feeling that there are any rifts or ill feeling with anyone.  

Well, we ended up going to Salisbury on Sat am, and then we went down to Dorset to stay the night with the in-law's in Mat's grans caravan.  The weather was fab, and we had some lovely walks along the cliff paths and down on the beach.  Felt like we'd been away much longer than just 24 hrs.  

Hello to all our other ladies .... hope you are all ok.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - ah yes, the Mumbles Mile..........Ive done that a few fair times! I live in the Mumbles so spend quite a lot of time down there, I think when its on our doorstep we dont quite appreciate how lovely it is.  I think Im going to start the Agnus Castus as soon as AF shows up, shes due this coming weekend and as I dont feel any symptoms, I assume shes on her way and again we werent lucky enough to conceive this month!!  I think you should get in touch with your 'friend' at least it will be one weight off your mind at least.  Another busy day ahead for me in work so catch up soon.

Where have all the other ladies gone??


Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - We can be accused of the same .... we have Longleat, Stonehenge, Bath, Salisbury & Avebury all within 1/2 hour and yet hardly ever visit them .    Really hope that your AF decides to stay away  - remember I had no symptoms when I was pg just recently, despite my pg with DD starting immediately with strong symptoms.  Hope your work isn't too busy today honey.

Think I will try to ring my friend because it is weighing on my mind a bit.

I think we must have scared everyone else away  .  Hope they are all ok.

Love & hugs to everyone
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Talking of things weighing on our mind - just received news and I am furious 

Its quite a long story but back in May Dh's grandmother passed away, there were a lot of family feuds and basically it was down to DH to try and sort out the funeral arrangements etc. well now there has been a bit battle over the Will.  DH's uncle was made Power of Attorney (as gramma had alzheimers) and he changed her Will, DH is set to inherit a share but we are now back and forth solicitors questioning whether he acted in his gramma's best interests (which we know he didnt) - sorry for the rant but his brother just emailed me, saying he was siding with the uncle and private conversations that dh has had with his brother have gone back to the uncle - what a traitor - I had family polictics and as my family is so 'normal' am completely confused by all this hatred - feel sorry for dh as he hasnt a clue where to start so being in the job I am, guess whose left to do all the paperwork!!!! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh  why cant life be simple!!

Okay, thanks for listening!


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath - No wonder you are fuming my lovely.  I would be livid if I felt like someone changed a will, for someone who was unable to defend themselves & know what was happening.  It's unbelievable what some families are like (well, mine are not quite normal - myself excluded of course ).  I really hope you can get it sorted out.  I'm going to sound really   but I can't remember if you've mentioned before what your job is?

Why is it that there is always something out there to stress us out, when we try so hard to keep calm. 

Happy to listen anytime honey.

Love
Julie
XXXX

p.s. LOVE the new pic - you must be the most glam mum I've ever seen.  Would be hard to stand next to you as I'd look like a ghost .


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Ah thanks for your comments Julie  

I work for Financial Advisers but we deal with solicitors all the time so have been fortunate enough to have some really good advice through work connections.

Cath 

P.S.  You DO NOT look like a ghost!!


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi folks - hope you all ok - the mumbles mile ? i remember it too ! and that disco / club on the end ?
what a beautiful place but WILD by night !!!!!

well i got a text from my closet mate from the "postnatal group" mums - 

it was a photo of a positive pregnancy test and the words - off to docs today wish me luck

My goodness I felt seething ! rubbing my nose in it ! this is the "pal" recently asking for my LO's clothes cos she is trying for her number two.

Its just sooooooooooooo unfair that these people get what they want and we can only watch from the sidelines and despair ....


My DP's response is but we have the best baby ! 

which makes me so cross, because of COURSE I think that, thats why I want to relive such a wonderful exciting experience.

I have appt with fertility clinic this wkend to discuss starting icsi - just have enough funds for one try. Feeling quite hopeless, as we hit the jackpot first time, lightening cant strike twice ! And frightened that I will feel more desperate after a failed attempt than I do now ....


Oh dear... even found myself praying every night "dear God if there are any spare embryos that you have looking for a loving mummy - I am here and ready !"

How on earth do we move on ?

I have pretty much decided to fade away from the postnatal social group as it is just going to be harder as they all get pregnant. I will continue to take Lo to all her fun things of course, and there I will focus on her, but I am going to cancel attending social fuctions with them and I think that will be better.

Sorry for another moan 

love janine xx


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Good evening ladies

Hi Janine - dont worry about having a moan, that is what we are all here for to vent our frustration (and joy)!.  Youve been to Mumbles as well, didnt realise it was so popular - there were 2 nightclubs at the end of the pier - Cinderalla's (now been turned into a skating ring) and Neptunes (for the older ones!) now known as Castellemare, a gorgeous Itlalian restaurant.  I think it is wise for you to distance yourself from the 'post-natal' group if you are feeling like this, I know I have distanced myself from lots of friends recently because I just find it too hard being around pg people or people who just dont understand what we have gone/going through, nobody understands until it happens to them.  My dh also says the same, we have the best child in the world and I agree, without blowing my own trumpet all my friends are jealous about the fact that my dd is beautiful, intelligent, well behaved and gets comments everywhere she goes, oh yes and that shes a girl, as most of my friends have boys - I agree but I also feel jealous of them, conceiving naturally and deciding when they would like the next one!!

Julie - hope you are ok hunny.

DD tucked up in bed, had a really busy day in work so gearing up for the new series of Heroes - anyone else watch it

Cath xx


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi all,

sorry i have been missing dh had laptop to work  grrrhhh...

thinking of you all   

well got af yesterday, and yes it happened again, i thought , i hoped, i prayed maybe i might be pg, but no not this month anyway, so back on the old rollercoster again  

In work today one of my friends was chatting to a lady who had her 8 year old daughter wth her , my friend was talking about xmas and how it was just around the corner, when the little girl said that she knows that there is no santa  as some older children had told her, my friend was shocked as the girl is only 8,  but when my friend was telling the rest of us this news she said to me" oh well looks like you will only have santa in your house for another two xmas's, as you have only one child"  , now this lady knows that we went through ivf, but i was gutted to hear this, as i know she is more than likely right     some people should engage their brains before they speak.

Did any one watch ch4 sex education show? Zita west said anyone trying for a baby should be   about 3-4 times a week, so i told dh that tis was our new house rule    and wait to you hear what he said" fine by me, but dont make it a chore, i dont want to know when you're  ovulating, " oh its mans world eh?

dd had her school chum over yesterday, and she had so much fun, i peeped into her bedroom and they were putting on kids make-up and dancing to grease cd , i took them out for tea, and then left dd's chum home, and she didn't want to go she wanted to stay with us.... ah bless

sorry for lack of personals, will catch up soon  

take care ladies  alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Just a very quick hello as it's been such a non-stop day.  We are off away to Center Parcs for the weekend, so won't be about till Mon night (DH's b'day on Sun).

Hope you are all ok, and send you lots of love & hugs,
Julie
XX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Alley - Im still waiting for af, she was due to rear her ugly head Friday and still no sign, I feel her coming and am very grumpy so I guess shes on her way, am too afraid to test just in case its negative so will string it out a little longer I think!  I didnt watch the Zita West programme but dh and I have been   every other day from when af finishes (he thinks all his xmas' have come at once!!!!!) but we are determined to go down the natural route so are trying very hard!!!

Julie - Hope you had a great weekend - love your new photo too, so cute!!

I had a great weekend, had dd all to myself on Friday so after shopping we did some cooking, we were making cakes, I turned my back and dd was eating the contents of the bowl, I told her she could 'lick the bowl' after the cakes were made (a figure of speech) well she literally had her head in the bowl licking it - so funny!!  My sis took her to a party Sat afternoon which she loved and we all spent the day together yesterday with my gorgeous nephew - dont you just hate it though when Monday rolls around.......

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Another quick one I'm sorry ladies, but it was 1st day back at work today (and my AF arrived with a vengeance), so I'm really tired.  Desparate to get an early night, so just popping in to say hello.

Will catch up soon
Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi all, hope all is well?
not much to report here , dd getting ready for halloween, she wants to be scooby doo, now it is her choice but bearing in mind she has a scooby doo costume and wears it almost every day, i am trying to sway her to be a cat , or a witch, but oh no she is going to be vampire scooby doo, so i have to get fangs and a cape or( vangs and a cap) as she says     oh what would we do without them   

chat soon alley xoxo


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi girls

I asked for more info where i had hycosy about where blockage was etc and i got a letter back a few days ago it said i would have to have a lap before having tubal unblocking as they would need to see if damage goes on down tube etc 

Another blow so if i would of egg shared i would have to pay for a op and if i go for tubal unblocking i would have to pay for a op first too  

To be honest i had already decided it would be a waste of time and money having unblocking done and i couldn't cope with egg share so there you go end of the road  

On a good note i am doing well at some courses and i am on the way to a ambition of mine with working with children i already do dinner times with them and i love it  it's so rewarding so i am  very busy and motivated  

I went away this weekend and was glad af never arrived as it would of been very inconvenient it is also very late cd40 tomorrow i have never been passed cd35 since op. I am not hoping i am pregnant as i have seen the evidence it will never happen . my body must of gone wierd now i am not trying for a baby anymore  


Wouldbegreat


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - hope you are rested up and look forward to hearing all about your hols!!

Alley - So cute, I love it when they dress up, dd loves dressing up especially wearing my shoes - I must add here I am the queen of shoes must have easily got over 100 pairs and I love really high heels (being 5ft 2" am always in heels) the funniest thing is she can walk better in them than me!!! 

Wouldbegreat - lovely to hear you are doing so well hunny and that you are working with children. We are in the same boat, af hasnt turned up for me yet, was due last week but am putting off the test.  I know you say you are not trying for a baby but that is probably the one time you will get pregnant - let us know how you get on.

Cath x


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hello - where is everyone??

Well af did turn up for me so a BFN this month but am ok about it, just enjoying all the precious moments with dd.

Hope you are all well xx


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

hi

i am here 

Cath sorry to hear it was a bfn this month  

i havent been around this week as ds has been in hospital
hes much better than he was now tho

just a quicky as its our wedding anniversary today and reluctantly leaving ds with parents for 2 hrs whilst we celebrate!

Em


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Em

Poor little thing - hope it wasnt anything too serious.

Congrats on your anniversary, have a fantastic day.

Cath x


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## beachbaby (Jan 31, 2008)

Hi Ladies, can i join you all. I am the proud mummy to twin boys who are 3 months old, unfortunately i started bleeding 2 hours after my c-section and ended up with a hysterectomy 8 hours after they were born. I was extremly ill and had 20 units of blood transfused and spent 4 days in intensive care. 
I feei very blessed to have my babies but also very sad that i never got that special time to show them off, all my family saw the babies whilst i was fighting for my life. The other downer was two days after i got home was a letter asking what i wanted to da with my frozen embryo's as it was the yearly anniversary where you have to consent to keep/destroy them.
I am with all you ladies who treasure every moment as i can never re-live this time.

Hugs to all
Beachbaby


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Beachbaby

I am so sorry to hear about the awful time you have had to endure but would also like to congratulate you on your precious babies.  Look forward to chatting with you.

Cath x


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya ladies

Beachbaby welcome to the thread sweetheart, sorry to hear all that you have been through following the birth of your twins  
how are you feeling now from the op, are you fully recovered, hopefully well on your way to recovery

Cath how r u doing sweetie

Julie hope that your doing ok

Wouldbegreat, what courses are you doing hun 
i did an NNEB when i was a teen! many many moons ago!

alley aaaw bless DD
my DS is a pumpkin not that he has a say!!

Janine wow i cant believe the cheek and insensitivity of your friend from the postnatal group  

Hi to anyone i missed



Tiger said:


> Em
> 
> Poor little thing - hope it wasnt anything too serious.


thanks, it was his reflux again hes been on gaviscon since about 6 wks, then meds started at 3 months the doses have been increased as his weight has but hes been sick for 2 wks so he was admitted overnight, hes now on max meds for his weight and has started on prescription only formula so  he will turn a corner soon!

Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello all,

Sorry I've been AWOL for a week - it's been chaotically busy since going back to work, and I only work 2 days a week .

Em - So sorry to hear your DS has been into hospital, poor little mite (little pumpkin-to-be ).  Glad that he is now back home & I really hope you got to enjoy your wedding anniversary, even if it was just a couple of hours.  

Cath - Hello honey.  Sorry to hear that your AF was mean to you and kept you hanging about.  As you say, sometimes you just have to focus on spending lots of fabby time with DD (that's definitely my way of coping).  Hope you had a good weekend honey.

Wouldbegreat - Sorry to hear your AF is messing you around as well, but lovely to hear that you are getting on well with your courses.

Alley - My DD can't make her mind up what she want's to dress up as - one minute a pumpkin, the next a robot .  Will just have to see what I can find for her and try to persuade her.

Janine - Hope you are ok honey?

Beachbaby - Welcome to the thread honey.  At times we are really chatty, but sometimes it can be a bit quiet.  So sorry to hear all you have been through, but how fantastic to have your twins.  

Well Mon/Tues was busy at work, and the the rest of the week was chaotic with other home stuff.  We went to Salisbury on Sat, ended up doing lots of window shopping but not much else.  Yesterday I was working 9am -6.30pm for my parents and then it was back to my usual job today.  Still getting lots of crampy pains on my r.h.s, so think I may try and phone the clinic later this week as it's been another 2 weeks since my last call.  Would really just like to get a date for my lap so I can focus on that.  Been feeling quite positive recently, but these pains keep on reminding me what's been going on (and is still happening).

Anyway, just because I've not been posting doesn't mean I don't think about you.

Love & hugs to everyone,
Julie
XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

I'm so sorry as I've not been here for a while and my first post back is going to be doom and gloom . . .please forgive me and bear with me while I get it all off my chest . . . 

* 
*
*

DOOM AND GLOOM ALERT   

* 
*
*

Basically DH and I got married in August and decided that we had to keep trying for a while before we gave up on having another baby - I was way too upset about the idea of clearing out all DS's baby stuff and "moving on" and we decided that if it was that upsetting the time wasn't right, as when it really was time to "move on" we'd know.

Anyway two unsuccesful months have passed and we've been back to the fertility clinic to be re-tested.

They won't do anything with me at the moment as DS still breastfeeds and the consultant seems to think that the fact I'm still BF'ing will mean that my hormones will be all over the place (despite the fact that I'm having regular periods and am ovulating), but they did a sperm analysis on DH to see how his little men are doing (he had 3 SAs in 2005 all low counts and poor motility)

The result was truly gutting. He's only got *9 Million* Sperm per ml (normal is 20 Million/ml, most men have 100 mill+) and of those only 44% are motile (ie only 44% are swimming the rest are dead or not moving).

The Andrologist happily told us not to be too downhearted because although natural conception is unlikey with these results "you're good candidates for ICSI" which is meaningless to us, as having a child excludes us from NHS treatment and we simply cannot raise the money for private treatment now - we're already deeply in debt and over mortgaged, have used up all our savings renovating our house and don't have generous family willing to help. So ICSI is completely out of our reach.

The chances of natural conception are even lower because of my age (nearly 37).

I spent the weekend crying. I guess this really is it.

DH wants to repeat the SA and go to the follow up appt on 3rd December. He also wants me to see what tests I can get done on myself using my Axa PPP healthcover which I have through my job. Personally I can't see the point. They've told us that we need ICSI, which we can't afford, and thats all they will tell us at the consultation.

I guess we're going to have to get on with the process of moving on and I just don't feel READY!!!

I don't know what to do for the best right now. Repeating the SA and going back to the clinic is just prolonging the whole thing. At some point we're going to have to close the chapter of ttc and get on with our lives as really our relationship and my sanity won't survive for much longer!! But DH obviously doesn't feel able to move on yet and is still grasping at his straws.

I'm ready to start counselling to help me move on, ready to start thinking about ways I can positively move my life forward (I'd like to retrain, maybe for a new career and focus on old ambitions, plus try to repair the damage that unsuccessful ttc has done to my family life and relationships) but DH obviously isn't ready to move on yet.

And to make it all the harder, my DS turns 2 in a month and half's time. The official end of babyhood! 

*
*


*
*

Anyway thanks for letting me get it all off my chest, and hope I didn't bore you all to death. Good news is that the work is due to start on our house soon so we hope it'll be done by Xmas. Plus I've actuallt decided to pick up an old hobby and start singing lessons again! DH isn't convinced, partly because of the cost and partly because of the godawful racket I make whilst practising around the house but it is cheering me up a bit . . my teacher is lovely and we get on really well!

As for Hallowe'en, well DS is going to be a "Little Devil" (which he is, lol!) although his head is too big for the little cap-with-horns part of the costume - he hates hats anyway and keeps ripping it off lol! I've even bought a cossie for the dog (sad I know) and as for me, I'm going to be a fairy  lol!


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Ladymoonlight - sending you huge   I can totally sympathise with your situation, our docs told us that our only chance of having a baby is by having ICSI, which is what we have done over the last few years.  It is very frustrating as I have been told I ovulate fine, regular periods and am 'fertile' however, this counts for nothing as dh a high sperm count but again counts for nothing as on the scale of 1 - 4 for motile sperm, his is 1, meaning very few of them swim or are abnormal.  We cant bear to put ourselves through tx again plus the cost is so expensive so after reading Zita West's book we have put dh on a lot of vits to help the sperm, healthy diet and I am taking a concoction of tablets to assist with ovulation as I am determined to try for a natural pregnancy.  It may be worth taking a look at it hun, at least you know you are doing something.  I bet you will both look great in your costumes!! 

Julie - good to hear from you, sorry to hear that you have having pains though   lets hope you get your docs appt through soon.

Em - poor little one, its horrid when they are ill isnt it.  DD has been on medication since she was 6 months old as she has problems with her bowels/intestines, she is ok on it now and the medication seems to be working fine but it took a long time to get there and it was awful seeing her in so much pain, its horrible for us to watch but they are tougher than they look.

As for me, Im getting really worried that I am jinxing pregnant people all around me.  You may remember me saying my uncle and his wife were expecting twins and I have been avoiding them at all costs as I cant be happy for them, well, she had the babies yesterday - over 3 months premature, odds do not look good and I have been so upset all night.  This is the second person in the last couple of weeks that this has happened to and it seems to be the people I have not been happy for or congratulated - do you think I am cursing these people? Im convinced its me.


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Lady moonlight 

I was given this vitimin list a while ago just wondering if it will help dh sa result i will leave all vits on list as a bit confusing to separate the male and female ones  



Also a good tip for the older ladies or for thos of us with PCOS is from your AF to ovulation take protein, you can get it from food or by it in drink form from a health shop, protein helps make better eggs and really does improve the quality of them.

Zinc 30mg daily  (both take)

Zinc deficiency can cause chromosone changes in either the man or woman, this will cause fertility problems and increase the risk of miscarriages. It also helps the cell division oof the fertilised egg. Also a lack of zinc will increase the risk of stretch marks.

SELENIUM 100MCG DAILY  (both take)

Selenium is a mineral, there are no signs of this being deficient until it is to late.
Selenium will help against chromosone problems, which can cause birth defects and miscarriages.
In men this is important as it helps to produce healthy sperm and reduces abnormal sperm.

FOLIC ACID 400mcg DAILY.

This is important, because Folic Acid deficiency is the most common of all, this is because the body cannot store large amounts. This will help prevent spina bifida, and it is very important it is in good supply before conception takes place. It is a member of the B vitamins, to produce the genetic materials DNA and RNA, you need enough folic acid and B12.


LINSEED OIL 1000MG  (both take)THIS IS THE SAME AS FLAXSEED OIL.

This helps against miscarriage and clotting, sperm mobility and low counts.

B VITAMINS 
B6 UPTO 50MG DAILY (Both take)

This will help balance hormones

VITAMIN B12  (Both take)
50MG DAILY

Helps with cell production and sperm counts and balance female hormones.

VITAMIN E 300IU A DAY  (just the man)

This will help the sperm to fertilise the egg. Vit E thins the blood also so don't let him have this if he takes anything else that thins his blood and defo no asprin with vit E. I personally just give my DH tne Falxseed oil caps.

VITAMIN C 1000MG A DAY  (Both take)

This will help stop the sperm from sticking together and help with ovulation.

If anyone is taking clomid, you really need this because it helps ovulation.

MANGANESE 5MG DAILY  (Both take)

This is a trace element and will help regulate your blood sugar level. Low levels of this can cause birth malformations.

L-ARGININE 1000MG DAILY  (Just the man)

This is an amino acid, the head of the sperm contains a very large amount of this nutrient which is essential for sperm production.
If you suffer from cold sores or genital herpes do not take this, as it will trigger an attack off.

L-CARNITINE 100MG DAILY  (Just the man)

Again another amino acid, it is needed for the normal functioning of sperm cells.So there we go, just thought i'd share that with everyone, it may just help and fingers crossed it does.

Wouldbegreat


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hey Wouldbegreat - thanks so much hun!    Very useful information!  Do you know whether its OK to take these vits as a multivitamin rather than separate supplements - I know that I would find it easier to make sure DH takes them if he only has to worry about one or two tablets, lol!!

Cath - I know what you mean about "jinxing" people hun, although you really can't blame yourself.  My cousin has had a terrible time - she had IVF just before I conceived DS and it resulted in an ectopic.  They've given up ttc now and have been applying to adopt but that seems to have gone "pear-shaped" for them as well (issues over their age and only being approved to adopted older or disabled children which my cousin doesn't feel able to cope with) and tbh I feel so sorry for them - at least we've been able to have DS. Then her older brother and his wife finally got a BFP after several years of IVF treatment (they are both mid 40s) this years only to lose the baby at 4 months gestation.  Her youngest brother and his wife, though, are super fertile (ie get pregnant the first month they try, every time) and have just had a baby girl, and I feel its so unfair that in a family so badly afflicted by infertility as ours is, one member should be blessed with the ability to have children very easily.    It makes things very difficult as you don't know what to say to who without causing upset  . . .  *sigh* . . . 

I'm feeling really really down today and trying not to sink into it  - its not fair on DH or DS.  Coping with infertility and the pain it brings can sometimes be even harder when you have a child to think about, as you can't allow yourself to get overwhelmed by it, but you still have to go to all those mum and toddler groups and congratulate other mums on their second, third, fourth pregnancies etc


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies

LadyMoonlight - It's lovely to hear from you but oh so sad to hear your news, and I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling down today.  Wouldbegreat has come up with some fab info about vitamins.  I'd say not to worry about your age though my lovely - I am already 37 and despite being told last November that I am peri-menopausal I have ovulated each month and still have regular cycles.  Massive .

Wouldbegreat - Fab info for LadyMoonlight - what a star you are for typing it all out.  .

Cath - Oh love.  .  I don't think you are jinxing people at all - as far as I know the rate of premature births is increased if you carry twins, so I'm sure it's nothing at all to do with you.  I will really  that they are both fine.  Has your AF left you all alone now?

Em - Hope your little pumpkin is better honey.

AAM - Well I was just plucking up the courage to phone the hospital this am, when they phoned me.  The date for my lap is 3rd November.  Was so nervous when I first heard, and t.b.h. I still am now - as much about the op itself as what they might find, and worst still what they might have to do.  Still, it needs doing and things aren't getting any better.  At least I have 2 weeks to make plans for DD/get food in etc.  DH is taking a week off work and thankfully it's one of the half term weeks so DD is going to nursery for 3rd/4th Nov.

Lots of ironing to get done, so t.t.f.n.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi Ladymoonlight i do agree there is so many lol i would use wellman its very good i have heard fertility clinics advise using it . wellman is a multi vit for ttc and has selenium it does say on the box helps with fertility the dose will proberly not be as good as taking selenium seperate but better than nothing  

I would advise you to start with wellman (from boots and maybe supermarkets ) then look to see what its missing and then you may want to add something else or just stick to wellman it takes around 3 months to get into the system properly .I used to take tesco's pre pregnancy tablets and that had some of these in and was very cheap  

Good Luck  

Hi julie ah thankyou hon it's good to help peaple out and care at this lonely time isn't it   My doctor is finding out if i should have a lap but i am not sure if it's worth me carrying on as i don't have money for ivf and feel tubal unblocking is just wasting £2000 I just feel it was never meant to be and all adream   I am supposed to do a fsh test and go back to doctors when they make contact but i really can't be botherd  

Tiger honey do you have gypsy blood in you   Don't blame yourself (unless you do have gypsy blood ) if these things happend and you didn't want a baby you wouldn't think anything of it its just things that are very close to your heart big   from me


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Julie - just read your post and have to say don't worry about the lap, I had one in November 2005 and it was fine (even though I was terrified as I've never had a GA before . . .) felt sore/groggy for a couple of days and took Paracetamol and codeine but after that was pretty much fine, just a bit tender in the tummy area.  I came home within a few hours of having the op.  Plus there is an increased chance of natural conception after a lap (a window of 4-6 months when its more likely - I actually got my BFP with DS 4 months after my lap!)


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Ladymoonlight - Thanks honey - it's always lovely to hear some positive stories.  I'm more worried because I've had an ectopic pg, and they are worried there is damage to my tube, so have been warned they may need to remove it.   that isn't the case, because the chances of conceiving naturally are slim enough anyway without having half of everything taken away. Anyhow, enough of the doom and gloom ... I've heard other people say that it can clear the tubes and help in getting a BFP, so might end up doing me a big favour.  Thanks again honey.

Julie
X


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

No probs hun!  Just try not to worry too much (I know thats easier said than done!)  Not all ectopics end up with tubal damage and they may actually be able to "flush" any blockages away quite easily.

I've really decended into the doldrums tonight!  DH has taken DS to bed (we're trying to stop the "bedtime breastfeed) and has fallen asleep himself and I'm sitting here on my own sobbing my eyes out at the thought of stopping breastfeeding and DS "not being a baby anymore"!!! DS is still a real boobie-fiend and he's going to be heartbroken about stopping (as am I) but I don't know if I can risk the fact that BFing is going to make it harder for me to conceive (especially now we have the bad news about DH's sperm count etc).

Then again, if we're not going to have another baby, should I push DS to stop or just make the most of it because I won't get another chance to BF?

I'm so down  . . . *sigh* . . .


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh honey

Just a quick ((((((hug)))))) as I'm only just keeping my eyes open.  Really hope you have a good night's sleep and feel a bit stronger tomorrow.

Take care,
Julie
XXX


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## beachbaby (Jan 31, 2008)

Hi Ladies, thankyou so much for the warm welcome, sorry i was MIA for so long after can be hard to find the time to post.

ladymoonlight, sorry your feeling down about stopping Bf Ds, it must be so hard, hope the transition goes smoothly, and it's worthwhile and helps you concieve again.

Julie, hope the lap goes well and they are able to save the tube.

Heffalump, sorry zachary has been ill, hope he grows out of it soon. By the way good choice of name, i have Zachary Andrew and Oliver George.

Got to go, indian just been delivered, hubby time.
Speak soon

beachbaby


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi everyone

Will try and catch up with what Ive missed, bear with me though as had my friend round last night for a gossip, didnt get to bed til early hours after consuming too much wine!!

Beachbaby - hope you enjoyed your indian!! 

Julie - I hope your tube will be ok, after everything you have been through, I pray it is not damaged for you. At least you have a date now and hopefully everything will be fine  

Ladymoolight -   sounds like you have been suffering hun, it must be so hard to give up b/f and being torn whether to do it to increase your chances of conceiving or whether to keep hold of your 'baby' for as long as possible.  Just read that you posted on another board, you may have noticed I posted on there about my experience with Diane Lazarus, every psychic keeps telling me I will have another child in 2009 so hoping thats true!! P.S. I also ordered from Mia on ebay!! 
Im sure ive asked you this before but where in Wales are you living?

Wouldbegreat - dont think I have gypsy blood  !!  my dh also takes the wellman, I think thats one of the better ones.  Hope you are ok.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello all 

Sorry - not up to much today or yesterday - in lots of pain.  Not sure what it is, but hoping to last out till 3rd Nov without having to visit A&E.  Phoned the clinic yesterday and they say to visit A&E if it gets too bad, but they aren't sure what else to suggest.  I wonder if it's a cyst or an infection following the ectopic.  Yesterday it was really severe, and it's a little better today.

Cath - Hope you had a lovely time with your friend.  I'm supposed to be going out with girlfriends for a meal tonight, but not sure if I really feel like it.

Beachbaby - Indian ... mmmmm .... yummy.  We are going out with the guys from work next Fri for an indian.  

Ladymoonlight/Wouldbegreat - Hope you are feeling a little better today my lovelies?

Em - Hope Zachary is better now honey.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies , 

julie hope you feel better soon   

Cath ooh i love girlie nites, it always ends up in the wee small hours, after putting the world to right  

ladymoonlight thanks for info on vitamins, i didnt know dh should be taking them   , i only have him on zinc, and he has  low sperm count, so thats it im off to boots to get me some wellman   

wouldbegreat and beachbaby hope you are both ok  

well as for me im an aunt again, my sil had a little boy on monday, so we went to visit, and i was fine, feeding ,changing, winding, but it was'nt until i saw dh holding the baby that i got a lump in my throat  . 

I will be minding my cousins baby girl tomorrow nite ( cant wait)  she is 4 weeks and such a good baby, they live next door, and if dh cant reach me at home he phones "my second home" as he puts it  he even told my cousins dh to charge me rent  

ladies i drink green tea is this ok when ttc? also after reading some posts agnus castus was mentioned what does it do

hello to all i have missed 

take care alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Girls

Julie - you poor thing, I hope you havent got an infection or anything from the ectopic - I would suggest a trip to the docs just to make sure everything is ok, you dont want it to get worse or create any more damage.  Let us know how you get on.

Alley - Good luck with the babysitting, I know its always hard when I see dh with my nephew  
I bought wellman vits in boots yesterday, they were reduced to £1. something?? Ive been taking my agnust castus religiously now and I also drink huge amounts of green tea, however, Ive heard it can affect fertility, something to do with affecting the absorption or iron or something so have reduced my green tea intake to 1 or 2 cups a day.  Agnus castus helps with a number of things, can help hormones and regulate your system i.e. help you to ovulate and make sure you have regular cycles.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hey ladies

Cath - Thanks honey.  Lovely to hear the Wellman vitamins were reduced - always nice to feel like you've save a few £'s (though they usually all get spent on DD anyway ).

Alley - So, an aunty again.  What a star you are for doing the changing etc.  .  Just like you I find it really difficult to see DH with babies - think it's worse than actually holding them myself.  For some reason it's especially with boys, because I think DH would love a little boy, and he's just so lovely with them.  Big hugs honey - I know it's a hard time.

Well, I went to the doc's today and t.b.h. she was worse than useless.  She did a pg test (total waste because we've been told to abstain till my lap), a urine test, and THE most painful internal I have ever had.  She just advised stronger painkillers till my lap (hadn't thought of that  ). She thinks it might be a cyst.  Thankfully the pains are a little less intense today, so I've just taken some paracetomol.  4am this morning was terrible though - it was like I just couldn't get on top of the pain.  Still, only 2.5 weeks to go till my lap now.

Hope you've all got some nice things to look forward to at the weekend.

Love & hugs to everyone
Julie
XXX


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Julie so sorry to hear you are having a bad time it's good you went to doctors   she sounds a bit rough


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - you poor thing - sounds like you've really had it rough these last few weeks - lets hope they can sort it all out for you and you get the suprise BFP you deserve!!

Had a really hectic week in work this week so looking forward to chilling out this weekend, my brother in law is running a 10k for a cancer charity so will be going to support him.

Hope everyone else is ok.


Cath x


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Evening all,


babysitting last nite went well, but im exhausted, ( maybe the old years are creeping in ha ha)  

Julie how's the pain? hope you're feeling a wee bit better? 

Cath how are the twins doing?   for them.

Hi to everyone else, hope you're all enjoying the weekend

chat soon 
                                    alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Evening ladies

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend.  Cath - Hope your bruv got on ok with his run today - fantastic achievement .... I could walk it but definitely not run it.

Thanks for your lovely messages about my pains.  Seem to have eased a little today thankfully - halved my painkillers and will see how I get on without taking them tonight.

Catch up soon,
Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

Well I'm literally jumping for joy right now - at the moment the scaffolders are putting the scaffolding up outside our house!!  Finally our renovation is underway!

We're about to have £30,000 of renovation done on our slightly dilapidated victorian terrace (hence the reason we can no longer afford private tx  ) - we're very lucky that a major part of this is being funded by a renovation grant, we qualified for this because we live in an area of the South Wales Valleys which is being targetted for EU redevelopment funding (its basically a run down ex mining town and the EU are ploughing money into these places to try to bring them "back to life", hmmmm  . . ..)  However, the fact that the Forces That Be are involved has resulted in LOOOOONG delays - basically the work was supposed to be done in May but due to endless faffing about, survey after survey, red tape, form filling blah de blah de blah its been delayed and delayed and delayed until we thought it would never happen.

Well the scaffolders are out there now!  And we've been asked if we can be out of the house by next Monday so that they can start ripping out the kitchen, bathroom and electrics!  (We're going to stay with my mum which is going to be majorly difficult but we don't have much choice) . . .

Finally its happening!!!  Yay!

Sorry for such a "me" centred post but I'm so excited!  We might even be back in by Xmas at this point!! YAY!    Hope everyone's OK and your pain isn't bothering you too much Julie, stay positive about the laparoscopy!


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

hi everyone

Julie - hope you are feeling better.  The 10k went fine, slightly cold waiting on the sidelines but we all gave our support.

Ladymoonlight - fab news on your rennovations, glad to hear you are in good spirits and fingers crossed you will be back in time for Christmas.

As for me, feeling really rubbish, feeling ok in myself (head wise) but have an awful cough/cold so pretty miserable!! Got to take dd to dentist today and everytime we go, she refuses to open her mouth so this morning I was saying it would be fun, she could ride in the chair and she was gnarling her teeth at me, telling me she was going to show them to the dentist - great, shes all wound up about going but I bet you any money when we get there, she will be clinging to me like a limpet and refuse to open her mouth!!!!  

As far as   goes this month, I dont know where I am? havent done any ovulation tests yet but havent felt any ovulation pains which is unusual for me.  This month I have to admit though I havent been the healthiest! which would probably explain the lack of ovulation, been drinking (alcohol) quite a bit this month and not eating very much - have lost a couple of lbs too - so not really look after myself too well.  I think Im just rebelling at the moment, Ive spent the best part of this year eating more than I would normally do, eating all the right things (I am a healthy eater anyway) but religiously sticking to 3 litres of water, everything organic blah blah and now Ive just kind of said b***ger it - not eating and drinking too much - Ill get myself back on track next month...

Hope you are all well.

Cath x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Morning ladies

Another flying visit from me - sorry - not working today as I've got to take DD to hospital this pm, and then we have parent's evening (if I can get back from Bath for 5.30pm, which is pretty unlikely as DD's appt isn't till 3.55pm ).  Working Thurs instead.

Cath - Sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish with a yucky cold - there are lots going around at the moment.  Hope that DD gets on ok at the Dentists - my DD is mad about our Dentist - she just LURVES him (he is quite scrummy  ).  Thankfully she thinks it's a treat to go .  I think you are probably doing the right thing this month in just enjoying yourself - we all spend so long looking after ourselves, and I'm not convinced it always makes a huge difference.  I've really not been so strict with myself since my last tx.

Ladymoonlight - That is fantastic news that the renovations are finally underway.  Hope it's not too stressful and it goes ok staying with your Mum.  Would be a lovely Christmas present to get back to a fab newly renovated house.  

Well, sadly my pains kicked back in again last night and have been bad today, after a lovely pain free day yesterday.  Still, it's another day closer to the lap.

Catch up soon,
Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone - 


Cath - don't worry about timing BD - I've given up on it tbh! I think its best just to try and enjoy it.  We conceived Arthur when I wasn't tracking my ovulation or anything and I don't know if it made a difference but I've resolved just the try and BD every other day (because of DH's crap count) throughout this cycle and see where it gets us!

Julie - keep taking those painkillers hun and stap positive about your lap!

As for me well although I'm excited about the renovations can someone please reassure me that I'm doing the right thing?   

We've invested all our meagre savings plus taken out a remortgage to fund the work on the house (even with the £10,000 grant, we're paying out £20,000!)  We'r  not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination and these renovations are something we've been wanting to do since we bought the house in Dec 05, but held off at first as we were expecting to have to go through IVF/ICSI and wanted to save our money for that.

Then Arthur came along naturally and for about 18 months we were too tied up with him to think about working on the house!  Plus I think we got a bit . . . cocky . .  so to speak about our fertility and maybe thought our problems were a thing of the past - we could conceive naturally now!  We wouldn't need IVF anymore!

So this year we went for it, applied for the grant, remortgaged, invested our (fairly meagre) savings and now its about to happen.  Just at the same time as we've found out that DH's sperm count is now down to a totally crappy 9 million per ml and with my "advancing" age (nearly 37) our chances of natural conception are now very slim.  

Our wedding, even though it wasn't a "big" affair, cost us a bit as well and as a result we can't take out any more loans/credit cards or other sources of funding, at least for another 3 or 4 years, by which time I'll by nearly 40!

So we're married and we're going to have a lovely house . . . but no baby!  

I'm feeling so torn about the whole thing.  The £20,000 we're investing in the house could have paid for 4 cycles of ICSI and the money we spent on our wedding could have paid for another cycle -  probably our only hope of having another baby!!!  So although I'm excited about it I'm also pretty heartbroken, I feel like I made the wrong decision.  We should have waited to do the renovations until we'd completed our family.  But stupidly we got over-confident and went for it and now we find out we need ICSI which we can't afford!   

I was awake all night thinking about this.  Please can someone reassure me I haven't made a huge mistake?!    We just wanted to have a nice family home and give Arthur a stable married family to grow up in - but in doing so we've deprived him of the chance of having a brother or sister!  Have we been really stupid?!


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Ladymoonlight - I really do think you've done the right thing honey.  I know your DH's sperm count has dropped but like everyone always says on here, it really does only take one.  If he's taking his vit's & looking after himself it could well go back up, and 37 isn't old (well, I keep telling myself that ).  You've had a natural pg before, and it really could happen again honey.

If the house needed that much work, then I really think you've done the right thing investing the time and money into getting the works done before bringing a baby into the house. 

Like you, we invested money into a bigger house 2 years ago, when we didn't know we had any IF problems and could have used the money for lots of treatment.  I do still think that we did the right thing - I mean we made the decision at the time thinking we'd need a bigger house for a growing family, and I do still love my house.  

I really hope that when your house is all finished off and looking lovely, you will move back in and feel so much better about everything, and then you'll get a natural BFP.   

Really hope that everything goes ok staying with your Mum - that would be the worst thing for me.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX

 to everyone else.  Hope you are all having good days.  Still in pain here, but ~Julie whispers so as not to jinx it~ not so bad as yesterday.


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi ladies

just nipping in to say a quick 

sorry i havent been around too much, have had a brief read through to see where everyone is at.

Reason i not been around is that DS was re-admitted into hospital last monday  and stayed in until friday afternoon, we had booked to go to the illuminations so we went on saturday and came home last night, he seems much better but has a cold so early night for me incase my brave little soldier has a disturbed night

Catch up soon
Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hey ladies,

It's all gone a bit quiet on here, so hope everyone is doing ok.

Em - So sorry to hear that Zach has been into hospital again, poor little love.  Really hope that the cold doesn't disturb him, or you, too much so you can both get the rest you no doubt need.

As for me, I'm still biding my time, waiting for Mon and my lap.  Really nervous, but just want to get it over and done with.

Love & hugs to all,
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi girls

Sorry I have not posted for ages  

Everything is fine my end, nothing much to report, same old, same old.  Work is busy, Ruby is busy and Ive been planning her birthday, its in December but holding a party in November so have made all the invites, got the venue booked, sorted the cake etc. so just got last minutes bits & pieces to do closer to the time.  Every weekend up to xmas we have something on now, always hectic at this time of year!! Dh and I are going to spend the weekend with my brother in 2 weeks in London, lots of xmas shopping and partying (leaving dd with mum) so really looking forward to that.

Julie - how you feeling about Monday hun, I know you are nervous but as you say once its done its over with and you can start moving forward.  Im sure you will be fine but will be thinking of you xx

Em - Really hope ds gets better soon xx

Ladymoonlight - How are the rennovations going?  Hope you are well.

Lots of Love xx

P.S.  Will try to keep up with posting more frequently!!


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Cath

No need to apologise - I've not been about much either & I think everyone is just popping in every now and then.

Glad to hear that all Ruby's birthday arrangements are in place and hope she has a fab party.  We've not really planned anything, as I'm not sure how long it'll be before I'm up and about and feeling like being sociable .  My pg friend is really keen for us to go & see them, but I think I'll just see how I am before I make any promises.

Hope you have a fab time up in London & Ruby enjoys her weekend with your Mum.  DD is having a "sleepover" with Mat's Mum/Dad on Sunday night as we have to be at the hospital at 8am, so have to leave at 7am on Mon.  We are going to see Quantum Solace on Sun night to try and take my mind off things (and drooling over Daniel Craig is likely to help ).

Hope everyone is ok, if a little quiet.

Love & hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi all , hope you're all well

Julie good luck for tomorrow pet, will be thinking of you , you're in my prayers tonite  

ladymoonlight hope you're holding up with move, hope you're back into your new fab house soon ( ooh im green with envy)  

Cath how is the party plans going?

Hi to all i have missed  


well as for me , im not doing so good    remember i said i was an aunt again, my dh's bro and his wife had a little boy a few weeks back, and we went to see them ,and all was fine ,i was ok with the whole new baby thing ( oh god that sounds awful) well my inlaws collect dd from school 2 days a week as i work to 5 pm, when i went to pick her up last week some of my dh's sisters and brothers were at granny's house all cooing and ahhing over the new baby , i never even looked at him , and made up some story that i had to go right away, (oh bad me)            So    dd's school closed for for some hols, and inlaws minding dd ,when i went to pick her up after work bil was there(the new dad) i could'nt even look at him , did'nt ask how the baby was doing ( oh god how [email protected] am i?)    Any way i hope you dont think bad of me, after all its not the baby i cant face, its the fact i dont think i will ever have another one of my own  .  Dh and i had the talk again about icsi , im on a waiting list for private icsi, and he just said it " we cant afford it" im  gutted to say the least. I know this but in my heart of hearts i thought he would say " yes we will get the money from somewhere" but he did'nt. So we are going to give ttc naturally our best shot,   it works

thanks for listening  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Alley - poor you    dont feel bad - I am exactly the same, I have no emotion whatsoever towards pregant woment or newborn babies, I bumped into my friend last weekend who is due in December, I didnt even look her in the face and said cant talk Im in a rush and off I went - I used to feel guilty but now I dont at all - its my way of coping and if they dont understand that then its tough luck.  I would be exactly the same.  Welcome to my world now (ttc naturally) still on the agnus castus and vits, dh also on vits and following  a 'plan' every month and really hoping that it will work. MIL had a private reading with Diane Lazarus (pshycic) last week and she can definitly see me with a baby boy next year so am clinging onto every bit of hope.

Julie - All the best for today chicks, hope you had a relaxing weekend with Daniel Craig!!

Ladymoonlight - hope you are well.

Cath xx


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi everyone

Not been online for a while as we're now staying at my mums and didn't have any internet access for a while!

Living with my mum is driving me slowly INSANE and my stress levels are going through the roof, especially as the builders are really taking their time about the house - in the week we've been away only a small amout of work has been done and they keep coming up with excuses about why they've had to "put it on stop" for a few days.  I can't see us being back in by Xmas at this rate!   builders!  On a positive note work HAS started - they've gutted the kitchen and bathroom, ripped all the radiators out, torn up all the flooring, and have started repointing the stonework outside, so at least its moving forward!  I'm going to pop up to the house tommorrow and have a look to see if anything else has been done!

Plus I feel like I'm about to get my AF (just 2 days after I ovulated, as normal - my hormones are a mess at the moment with a really short luteal phase).

So I'm not in a very good place right now - I keep thinking about the money we're spending on the house and thinking of all the ICSI cycles it could have paid for.  And the chance that we might have mortgaged away our one chance of having another baby.

I bought a fertility spell from Mia_Angel on Ebay and have been hanging onto the little charm she sent me like dear life - even wearing it around my neck!  Its a small spark of hope in what seems a pretty hopeless situation right now.

Anyway, have to get Arthur dressed and take my mum out shopping (ARGH!!!   ) so will pop back on later and have a good read of what everyone's been up to!

Kate
x


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hey ladies

Just a quick helllo, lots of pain and struggling with it.

Got home about 8pm last night after a few complications.  They found endo on my r.h.s which they removed.

Wil catch up when the pain is easing.

Love
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - you poor thing - does removing the endo mean everything will be ok once the pain has eased up?

Kate - Ive also ordered the spell from Mia a few months ago, I was wearing the charm around my neck too   but now its taken a back seat in my top drawer - think Im being silly holding onto a dream that may never happen!! My MIL went to see Diane Lazarus last week and the reading was very accurate, she kept telling her that I will have a baby boy next year so am really hoping that it comes true as we will definitely not put ourselves through more tx.  Have you tried Agnus Castus, Ive been using it and Ive found my cycles are becoming more regular with ovulation around day 17 (cycles are about 31 days long) you may find it helps you, its a natural remedy and helps regulate your hormones.

Cath xx


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi Girls-hope you dont mind me joining you?
I have just had DE on the 21st Oct and just had a big BFN,i have been feeling so down spent yesterday    .

Cathy- you say that angus catus works? how is that taken?
I have been diagnosed with POF, yes im not sure if there is anything left for me.  We have a DD who is 2 and she was concieved with clomid.
Im going to do what your doing cathy and try naturally for a miricale 
Thats our last hope, we have no more money for tx.
And not only that we are mentally drained. 
have you got any suggestions girls??
Sharon


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Hi ladies, 

bella sorry to hear your news big   to you  and you're very welcome here , as i think we all know how you feel, sometimes it is quiet on this this thread as i suppose we are busy with our little darlings, but we are listening.

julie hope your pain has eased a bit for you?  will you be having a review appt?  hope it will be good news to get back to  ,ha ha   

cath just a quick question to you what agnus castus do you use ? and where do you get it ?  i have been to holland and barrett  and you have to take 4 tablets daily , and the one in boots is one per day, also i have looked on ebay and there is that much i dont know what to choose, any help greatly appreciated........

ladymoonlight , omg how brave are you moving back to your parents, as much as i love my mum and dad , i think my mum would do my head in (ha ha ) she spoils dd and contradicts every thing i say  

As for me all well here , dd lost one of her front teeth, she thinks its great   tooth fairy came and left £5.00 ( dh wanted to leave £ 10) .Im so behind at my xmas shopping, i have only got 2 santa toys, and thats it.... dd is looking for biscuit the fur real dog and its £150 but we got it in smyths for £129, and then i looked in argos and its now £112 ghrrrr...  so anyway santa is not allowed to bring any dolls, bratz , barbies, or anything pink or girlie, now this is so hard for me as i was a real girlie girl , but dd is just not into this, i mean at 6 years of age she really knows what she likes , and will not change her mind, no matter how much i plead that " disney princess are wonderful" but she just wont budge...dh thinks its so funny as he ends up buying her remote control cars , and telescopes, Well dd was playing with her chum the other day and they brought back  WORMS  from the garden , ladies only you are over the water you would have heard me scream   

oh im going to a fancy dress night next friday night , the theme is 1970s, so i have a boho dress ,orange tights,blonde hippie wig, and flowers for my hair, ooh i cant wait ( the charity is down snydrome ,one of  my close friends had a downs baby this year) me thinks i might have to have a glass of vino before i go in     

talk soon  alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi everyone

Just a very quick one from me as in work today. 

Alley - I use Agnus Castus in liquid form, you take 10-15 drops once or twice a day - it tastes disgusting but if you mix with juice its ok - liquid form gets into your system quicker - you can buy off lots of shops on ebay - they are all pretty much the same - just to let you know as well, I have never ever had a cycle less than 30 days but guess what - using the Agnus Castus AF arrived for me this week on day 28!!!! must be doing its job!!!!

Will try and post later

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hey ladies

Just a quick hello really from me ... been spending too much time on **  .

Cath - Good to hear that the Agnus Castus is doing something to help honey.

Alley - Hey honey.  Wow £5 for the tooth fairy - and I thought inflation was meant to be under control .  Good job DD hasn't lost any teeth yet .  The fancy dress party sounds fab - it's ages since we've done anything fancy dress.  Hope you have a fab time, and it's for a fab cause too.

Bella - Welcome to the thread honey.  So sorry you've just had a BFN to cope with - it's such an emotional time.  Like you, we've run out of funds for any more tx, and just have to ttc naturally from now on.  Feel free to rant away whenever you need to - like Alley said this thread is busy sometimes but really quiet at others.

AAM - Well the wounds are healing ok, the pains are subsiding a bit, but I've started feeling a bit emotional about things.  My work weren't very sympathetic when I called today to say I'd be off next Mon/Tues as well (heck, I can barely stand, let alone drive yet).  I got a letter from my consultant today offering me a follow up appointment - FOR NEXT JUNE!!!!  .  I mean, I know there are waiting lists but dear Lord I'll be 38 by then!!!!!!  I'm going to phone when I'm a bit stronger and see what's going on.  I have so many questions to ask now, and the Consultant said it would be in the new year, but I didn't think it would be half way through the year.

Right, rant over ... sorry ladies.

Love and very gentle hugs at the moment.
Julie
XXX


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya Ladies

Sorry been a bit quiet of late

Its been a bit of a topsy turvy week or two

Welcome to the thread Bella sorry to read of your recent BFN, i think that a few of the ladies on this thread are also ttc naturally

Julie how are you feeling sweetie, cant believe how long you have to wait for another appt with the cons thats outrageous, as for work, you just look after No 1 and thats you cos you are the No 1 lady, hope the pains are easing for you

Cath fab news on af arriving on time

Alley how are you doing sweetie
my dh wanted to get one of those dogs for DS i said definitly not, but may be swayed to get one if they go down enough in the jan sales! that said my reply to my dh was why does he need one when we have a real life labrador!

Ladymoonlight how are you doing

Hi to janine wouldbegreat and anyone else i missed

As for us, well last week i felt awful AF was late and got a very faint bfp last friday, then started bleeding tues i had a haematology appt and he did bloods and got the results as a bfn and the bleed has been awful, i am having another blood test thurs i have felt so awful and have had a viral infection and DS has a throat and chest infection so been an awful week, on a good note tho, DS was christened last weekend, a lovely day and on his reflux front hes been absolutely fine 

well thats us for now
Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Ohhhh POO I just lost my post.  

Em - I'm so sorry to hear what you've just been through honey.  It must have been such an up and down time, with the joy of Zach's christening and then the sadness of the faint BFP (I can honestly appreciate that feeling).  No wonder you've had a viral infection with everything that's been going on - you are bound to be run down.  Please take care of yourself though honey.

I did get some flowers arrive from work earlier, but the card said "see you soon" and it felt more like a nag to get back, rather than a get well soon .  Unless there is a miracle in the next 2 days, there is no way I'd be well enough to work on Mon.  I wouldn't mind but I will have only had 4 working days off, and I've had surgery, whereas someone just had a week off because of a cold .

Sorry, rant over and done with.

Anyway, I really hope you are looking after yourself & let us know how you are.

Gentle ,
Love
Julie
XXX


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi girls

Hope you are all well   i have been very busy and passed my c&g level 2 maths and now i am going to start a nvq 2 in a couple of weeks   

I can't believe i have gone from having a major op and thinking i was going to get pregnant then finding i never will to starting a new job passing my maths and doing a nvq all in 10 months and hopefully in around a years time i will be qualified to do a job i have always wanted to do .

This achievement and determination has all come from what i have been through   i always think something good comes out of something bad  

wouldbegreat


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

ladies, 

Em sorry to hear your news, take care of yourself honey big  to you and your wee man (oh he he is so cute ) .I know what you mean about my dd's xmas dog, when we went to smyths toy shop to get it one of the staff asked if it was any good, well that was it for dh he started saying " i dont know why we are buying this , as it sits , gives you its paw, responds to your voice, and we have a real dog at home"   the poor girl was sorry she asked.

Julie im shocked i mean JUNE whats up with that, hope you get answers sooner.

Cath cheers for the info on agnus castus , its so good to have this site, to ask the questions to some-one going through the same things,cheers pet.

ladymoonlight, how are you holding up? just think in a few months it will all be worth it, you will have a fab new house, lucky you.

ladies yesterday a lady in work with  was asking what santa was bringing dd, and then out of the blue she said how selfish i was not to have any siblings for dd ( she is a real nosey parker, and didnt know we had tx for number 2) ooh i put her straight , told her how dare she  call me selfish when i have gone through weeks of sniffing hormones ,plus injecting myself every day for 2 weeks, numerous trips to hospital which is 60 miles away, i mean how dare she...anyway my rant over , chat soon

alley xoxo


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Wouldbegreat  ,  to you ,isnt it funny how life leads us down a different route , well done you.

alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Wouldbegreat - That's fantastic news - what a great achievement - well done you.  Great to have a focus and get great results at the end.

Alley73 -  to your colleague at work - if there is one thing I've learned with all this, it's not to be judgemental of other people and their lives - people often don't choose things they way they are and it's so upsetting when people pass comment on it as if it's our choice.  .  LOL about you buying a pretend dog when you have the real thing .  DD would love one of the them, but she really wants a guitar and other things so won't be getting one.

Cath - Hope you had a fab night out honey.  Bet you are glamorous even in your pj's - you should see the state of me right now .

Em -Hope you are feeling a bit better my lovely? 

Ladymoonlight - Hope you've had a better few days honey?  As Alley said, it will all be really worth it in a few months time.  .

Bella - I do hope we haven't frightened you off already.

AAM - This is going to sound more  than I usually do.  Although my tummy is feeling much better, my legs are feeling really weird.  Not sure if it's my balance (i.e. ears/head) or just something in my legs but they are really strange.  Kind of spongy and wobbly when I try and get about.  I called the hospital yesterday and they said it could be fluid in my legs so to elevate my legs, which I did yesterday and overnight, but it hasn't helped at all.  If anything I feel worse today.  Thing is DH is back at work tomorrow and DD is back to school for the am's ... friends have offered to drop and collect her, but I need to get to the Doc's.  .  Sorry, feeling a bit scared and sad for myself.  Self pity is so ugly, but I really hoped I'd be up and about properly by now.

Anyway, that's me ..... 

Love & gentle wobbly 
Julie
XXX


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi girls

Sorry not been feeling to good lately about my BFN  just had a sad week.
Not really felt up too much, thought i would say hello hope your all ok.

Keep thinking about my next step, my feeling are all over the place at the mo.
Just come of my drugs, and AF turned up saturday and i have been in so much pain 

Take care all

Sharon


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Thankyou for your comments of support  

Julie honey you sound like you are a bit worried i would call a doctor to come and see you at home tell them you can't drive and have nobody to bring you .I know how they will try to put you off tell them you are concerned something is wrong .

Alley73 thankyou so much   it is funny how things happen i feel this whole journey has been for a reason know and has given me the push to acheive .

Heffalump Hi i am still around but as you can see i have been a busy girl   I am so sorry to hear you have had some hope then been let down again my thought are with you stay strong honey   We are all here for you if you feel you can't talk to family and friends  

Hi to everyone else isn't the weather horrible i would like to be in front of a real fire now   my dog is snoring too lol


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi everyone - 

Ive had a lovely weekend, dd was away at MIL so went yesterday and bought another dress (please dont shout at me!!) Ive lost count how many Ive bought for my works xmas party but cant quite find the right one... anyway got another one yesterday, strapless, red, very slinky and I think its perfect. Also got loads of xmas shopping done and dh came home to take me out for the evening - it was only going to be a quiet drink but ended up being a heavy session, our friend owns a pub so we ended up there.  Was lovely to go out and get glammed up - even bought false eyelashes to wear - just felt like treating myself.  Picked up Ruby this afternoon so going to spent some time with her before bed - sooo missed her!

Wouldbegreat - so good to hear of your achievements, its amazing what positivity does for us!!

Sharon - hope you are doing ok hunny, I know its cliche but time is a great healer, Im trying myself not to dwell too much on the past, I would be 22 weeks pregnant now if I hadnt m/c and Ive felt so low about that but now trying to pull myself together - hence the night out, first night out weve had in ages so am really trying to look to the future - hope you will feel better soon xx

Julie - hunny, you poor thing - how are you bearing up? you've been through so much (and theres nothing wrong with self pity!) I hope you managed to get to the docs and get it sorted out - try to rest up as much as you can x

Alley - thats exactly what I do when people nose into my business, I give them the whole sob story of IVF and M/C and they soon shut up!!!

Em - you poor thing - hope you are feeling better soon 

Right - off to spent time with dd xxx
Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello again ladies

You can tell I can't get up to much at the moment can't you .

Cath - Lovely to hear you've had a really nice weekend, and got all glammed up.  I really enjoyed going out with work a few weeks ago - it's not often I get dressed up at all these days.  I've not worn make-up for a week actually (sad old woman).  Your dress sounds very sexy & I hope you don't change your mind and go out shopping again .  Great that you've managed to get some Christmas shopping sorted too, and I bet your DD has had a fab time with MIL.

Wouldbegreat - Yep, the weather has been terrible here too.  At least I don't feel like I've missed out on anything being inside the last week.  LOL at your dog snoring - my cat snores too.

Bella (Sharon) - Very gentle  my lovely.  Struggling a bit myself at the moment.

Well, I've sorted out someone to take DD to school & someone to collect her, and my parents are going to get me to the doc's if I can get an appt tom.  After sorting all that, I had a good   and felt really sorry for myself.  Thankfully I felt a bit better after that - made myself a cup of tea and had a couple of biccy's, then spent some time with DD.  DH is just cooking roast beef, so I'm at least excited about that.

Hope everyone has a good evening.

Love & gentle hugs,
Julie
XXX


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Evening all,

had a real lazy day here, rain all day, so we have decided to light our fire, now we have been in our house for 10 years , and have never lit it , we are all so excited    so have to go tomorrow to get all the bits ie; fire screen ect....

Julie i see you have a cat, i love cats and we were going to get one for dd last year, anyway on mothers day 07 dh and i went out for the night after a few vinos we got a taxi home, when we pulled into our driveway there was a big black shaggy dog sitting at our door, now i think it was the vino ( no im sure it was) but i said " the poor thing , he cant stay out here all night, he was soaked through, and i remember it had been snowing here, and freezing,  the dog had a collar on so we thought take him in for the night and phone the dog warden in the morning, so the next morning dd got up and we took her into our utility room were there was a big fluffy wuffy dog, tail wagging, and wanting to play, we told her he was not ours and he might have an owner, he just migth be lost and we wre helping him, so phoned local police, dog warden, and rspca, and no one came forward for him, when i saw dd playing with him( he had a baseball cap on his head, and a feather boa around his neck) well that was it fate had played its part... he is now my little man, and we love him very much.  Now the funny thing is about a month before our dog found us my sister was at a fortune teller, and she mentioned me by name ( now i have never met this woman, or my sis didnt even tell me she was going to see her)  she said that i Alley was having problems in having another another child, but not to worry as i would have a wee man soon...... how freaky is that?  i think because he came on mothers day , well it was just ment to be.

Cath another dress  , good for you ,a lady can never have enough, oh or shoes, or handbags, or coats, (sorry im getting carried away, l love shopping) i mean dd has a wardrobe to die for but i just cant help myself   

Bella hope you feel better soon chick, life is so unfair   take good care of yourself at this horrible time ( some days will be better than others , but the pain will ease but not be forgotten)

Ladymoonlight , wouldbegreat, and em hi to you lovely ladies, and to all i have missed, take care you are all fab, chat soon....

alley xoxo


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - glad you got an appointment - let us know how you get on   

Alley - what a lovely story about your dog - meant to be!!! I love fires, we have one in our house and as Im such a freezer I insist on it all the time, its so lovely I'll be sitting there in my pj's in front of the fire and dh will be the other end of the room in his pants cos he is 'melting'!!! thats what winters are all about!!

Had a lovely evening last night with dd and back in work today so catch up later xx


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

This was dated 9/10/08 

Had my appointment and she was lovely she is writing to get advice from the gyneo at the hospital to see what he thinks i should do she is leaving it anonymous so we have options .We did discuss having my tube removed due to pain but she also thought about having the hydro removed too she could see what a dilemma i was in and felt unsure on the best way forwed especially if i could afford ivf one day .

She wasn't sure what way to go with it so we didn't blow my chances of a lap on nhs so fair play to her for that .Thats why she decided to get some advice first  I asked if i could have a fsh test as i didn't want to go through all this if my egg reserve wasn't good  although i am pretty sure its ok she agreed and i will do one on cd19 I'm cd2 What should the result be i have no idea ?

I am going back to see her when the gyneo has written to her she also advised me to look for somewhere to be referred as i have a choice now but i haven't a clue  

UPDATE 

omg today is the day i go to find out what was the outcome of the letter   and i have moved forwed with my life  now and this is dragging it all up again   but i need to know what was said as i may regret not finding out one day


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies 

Woudlbegreat - Hope you get on ok today honey.  

Well, it's pretty quiet on here at the moment ... maybe we've all moved on .  Joking apart, I do hope you are all ok.

Me .... still not at work, still not well and frustrated about it all.  Good thing is that I now have an appt to see my cons in Jan, rather than June.

Love & hugs to everyone
Julie
XXX


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## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Julie - thats rotten to hear you are still not well but the good new is January will be here quicker than June!!!!

Wouldbegreat - hope you get all the answers you need today x

As for me, life is pretty much normal, Ruby is growing up so fast, she will be 3 in two weeks but feel like she is already turning 30!!!! We are off to London this weekend, going to catch up with my brother, so plenty of socialising and   so really looking forward to that (dd is staying with her gran!).

It is pretty quiet on here these days - most of our time must be being spent of **!!!!!

Cath xx


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello Cath .

What ... us on ** all the time .... .  I am on there a fair bit, but t.b.h. I get quite dizzy when I am on the computer for any length of time, so have been rationing myself .

Oh, wow, so Ruby is nearly 3 ..... they certainly do grow up fast.  I can't believe I have a little school girl who is 5 next year .

Hope you have a fab weekend in London and Ruby has a fab weekend with her gran.  Have one (or two) for me .... must be 2 or 3 months since I last had a drink ...   hey, maybe that's why I'm so poorly ..... .

 to anyone else about ..... but like I said, maybe everyone moved on.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## wouldbegreat (Sep 25, 2007)

Hello 
The letter said basically my tubes are no good especially as the left was supposed to be the easy tube to mend and the hydrosalpinx can cause a ectopic anyway so i believe he thought tubal unblocking was out of the question anyway  

The only way forwed is ivf  and i would have to have my tube clipped or removed this could be done by lap but if i had allot of adhesions etc they may have to revert to open surgery  oh no not that again  He advised the doctor to refer me to one of his cons and they would do it on the nhs .Can you imagine going through all that again for nothing  

I said i am not interested in having my tube clipped or removed as i can't afford ivf and wouldn't want it anyway at this time . I said i  have moved on now starting a career  and  a nvq next week but i wanted to know what was said .She was happy that i had been very positive about things and was happy to help in the future if i won the lottery lol

I said my only concern was if the pain got worse from the hydo or i decided i want it removed .She said she would be happy to help (the hydro pain would be a medical issue so no problem ) and as for the other they would help if needed  

So it's the end of a chapter in my life and on to the next and i am excited about the future and have lots to look forwed to


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

HI all , well i guess we have all "moved on" i have turned into a lurker just popping on now and then, hope you are all well? as for me i feel that as much as i would another baby, im strong enough to cope with the fact that this may never happen, so what will be will be, i love dd so much and she is growing up so fast, i dont want to be consumed infertility, she needs me 100%,  so life is great and im thankful for having this little ray of sunshine in my life, she will be 7 in march , and i think we all as a family need to move on, after all we are one of the lucky one's, I AM A MUMMY , ( even if it is only to one)


take care, and best wishes

alley xoxo

opps  have a fab christmas


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

hi ladies

just popping in to send a big  to you all

Its a tough time of year for all and just because we have one the longing for another isnt any easier i think you will all agree

special big hug to Julie whose had  a crappy time especially of late

I am going to see my cons on monday so will decide what the next step for us is, whether it be surgery, hysterectomy etc

thinking of you all
Em


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello ladies

Nope, I'm still lurking around FF, not moved on yet .

As Em said, this is a particularly tough time of the year so lots of love &  for you all.  I do hope you all have a lovely Christmas and we can all look forward to 2009.

Em - Lots of luck for your Cons appt on Monday honey.  Please do let us know how you get on.  .  Crappy time really does sum it up for the last 6 weeks .... there I was worrying about the laparoscopy, and that turned out to be the last of my problems .  Now I've got a poorly DD too ... she's fighting tonsilitis and has a nasty chest infection.  Still, it calls for lots of cuddles and fun, so it's not all bad.

Alley - Lovely to hear you sounding very grounded about everything honey.  Hopefully I'll reach that place eventually, but for now I am still dreaming.  Have a fab Christmas too honey.

Wouldbegreat - So sorry to hear the news you got, but great that you are now focusing on your career.  A lottery win would be fab wouldn't it.

Cath - Hello my little ** friend .  Hope all the prep's for Christmas are going well and your DD is all excited.

Big  to anyone else reading.

As Em said it's been a particulary crappy time here, but I'm still smiling.  Since I last posted, we've begun to realise that my mobility problems are worryingly similar to something I had 5 years ago.  I've been using a wheelchair outdoors, and a stick inside, and I'm having some physio.  I was given the choice to be admitted to Neurology or see the Consultant as an urgent outpatient and I chose the latter.  I couldn't bear to go into hospital and leave DD unless it was life or death.  I've got my appt on Fri 19th Dec, and I'm keen to hear what they are going to say.  I am a little better than I was a few weeks ago, and feel better since getting the wheelchair, as I can at least get out a bit.

Just to add to the fun, DD is fighting off tonsilitis and now has a nasty chest infection too, poor lamb.  Still, I'm getting lots of love & cuddles so it's not all bad (just hope I can fight off her germs though).

Anyway, I do wish you all a fabulous festive period, and I  that although we didn't all get what we wanted this year, maybe 2009 will be a better year for us.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## bella 64 (Oct 1, 2008)

Hi all,

We have a beautiful DD 2 yrs old. I was vey lucky and concieved her on clomid. I had ovarian drilling last year. And then had no AF for a year. This is when all my troubles started.(to long to go into) just had lots of tests and fertility drugs. all failed.
They told me are was on the brink of menopause!!! what a shock. very low AMH.
Had DEIVF at reprofit in oct this year and had another BFN. we have decided no more tx as we are very lucky to have DD.
Its so so hard when you get all these pg ladies rattling on about all there pregnacies. i get sick of it. 

All my friends have had there 2nd child and problably on there 3rd. gosh they are lucky.
Im really not interested in mixing in large groups anymore, and doing big lunches with them. They always tell me who is pg next.

I went to the doctors this week and his told me that im not in menopause! who do you believe. I have to do 21 day test to see if i ovulate. If i dont im going to put me back on clomid again. I have nearly done a whole full turn in a year. Back to where i started.
Im just so hoping this works out to be a lovely miricale. Im not going to get my hopes up just yet.


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## alley73 (May 24, 2008)

Happy new year all, how is everyone? its been ages since i posted , hope your all well? did santa come? 

i had the flu over xmas and felt [email protected], on xmas eve i asked dh to make me a hot wiskey ( ooh bad move) i dont drink wiskey but had heard that it would help my flu........ anyway after  many hot wiskeys i was pi$$ed as fart , so in my drunkin state i thought it would be a good idea to cook our turkey   so i put it in the oven at 1.00am  at 250 degrees, awoke on xmas morn to the smell of BURT TURKEY     thankfully dh just laughed but i cried     so after lots of jokes from my friends i am starting to see the funny side   

dd had a fab xmas thank god, she is such a fussy eater , so she didnt miss the turkey   

so to new year, well after my flu at xmas i was ready for a party, only to find that my dh and all of my friends HAD FLU, just my bloomin luck....
so had a quiet new year by myself( everyone else in bed)  

so i find myself at the end of January becoming very depressed again...... for a while i was so upbeat , and looking forward, and just forgetting all about tx . last week my friend ( who is a child minder) asked if i had any left over baby stuff in my attic, now i did give a lot of things away but i still had a few bits left ( my favourite things , dd's 3rd pram , the most fab highchair, and a baby walker) so i gave them to my friend, and i was fine until i went for coffee and saw one of the kids she minds in dd's pram     oh god help me its starting again..... the wanting , the yearning , the void is here again...I WANT A BABY . Why does IF rear its ugly head just when you least expect it....my dh dosent know how im feeling at the moment, as i cant or wont tell him, the credit crunch has hit us hard as my hours in work have been cut, and dh is a manager in a food outlet , and his work is quiet too....

In nireland we only get 1 free go at ivf, so as mine was unsucessful, we are on a private waiting list for icsi, but we just cant afford it as things being the way they are, i know i will get my letter from the hospital soon, but how do i tell them we havent got the funds i feel helpless, and let down by my own body, why me? im a great mum( even if i do say so myself) i mean do you have to be 16 and go with any tom, dick or harry to get pg............


sorry ladies for going off on one, but i feel you are the only people who can understand how i feel, dd will be 7 this year, and i feel that im losing all the good stuff ie; santa, toothfairy, easterbunny, i mean all the wonderful kid stuff, and yes i know there will be a lot of fun stuff to do with dd as she gets older, but i dont want her to get older( how selfish am i)  she wont need me as much.......

so if anyone reads this thank-you


hope all your dreams come true



lots of love ( and hope)


alley xoxo


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## Julie Wilts (Feb 27, 2008)

Hello 

I'm still lurking too 

Alley - Hello honey.  Glad to hear you're finding the funny side of the turkey episode now.  So sorry to hear you sounding so down again though and finding it hard to confide in anyone except us FF ladies.  I know what you mean about things suddenley creeping up on you and that yearn to kick in again.  Sometimes I'm very philosophical about it and laid back, and other times there is this sort of raw longing.  Thankfully I'm a lot more laid back than I was this time last year.  I do hope that things work out one way or another for you honey - that you manage to get the money together.  .

Bella - .  Hope you are ok my lovely - sorry no one posted since your post in Dec, the thread has gone a bit quiet.

Cath - Hello honey.  

Em - Hope you had a good Christmas & are well honey.  

Well, I'm thankfully all over the problems I had after my lap.  No longer using the wheelchair or stick to get around.  They wanted me to have a lumbar puncture but it's taken so long to get the appt through that now they are happy for me not to have it.  Phew!!!!  Just suffering from a terrible head cold and have been for about 10 days now.  DD has also had it to a lesser degree.  No sign of my AF yet this month .... about day 35 and nothing, but I'm definitely not pg as we were told not to try whilst I was so poorly.  Just wish it would hurry up and arrive.

I'm really hoping that 2009 brings us all lots of great things to celebrate, and that 2008 is a long way behind us.

Love & hugs
Julie
XXX


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## sam mn (Feb 2, 2006)

hi ladies. good to read all your stories, nice to know you are not the only one yearning fo another bundle of joy. my ds is 20months and is the light of my life. i feel so guilty for wanting another child when i know im so lucky and many of my ff are not as lucky. we do not have the money to try again. dh job is v risky and i have had to increase hours. so unless we win the lottery thats it for us. so any tips on coming to the point of acceptance is welcome. just so want to get on with life and not let these feelings consume, if not for me then for the sake of my ds.

sam
xxx


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