# Need a rant - sorry



## Sunshine7155

Hi there,

I am sorry to make this another me post but I desperately need a rant.

Where do I start?

Well we have had our lo with us for 5 months and he is a gorgeous lovely lb with the most amazing smile and sense of humour.

When we went through intros we had a few worries about how he was - he was a totally different child to what we had read on paper and seemed to be very withdrawn and had no eye contact throughout the whole two weeks.  We strongly believed that he was under stimulated in FC and there were a few safe guarding issues that we were concerned about.  I can't go too deeply into them because it would be wrong to on here.

We expressed throughout to our SW that we had concerns about him and his behaviours and were very worried he was displaying unusual behaviours that could have been picked up by someone at one of his visits from his SW.  We were very worried that he was displaying signs of autism.  However we were just batted down and told we were over worrying and it may be down to regression.  

Well on paper it said that he was doing all of this stuff (most of which was not true) and that he was age appropriate.  After lots of hassling he has now been given lots of extra help as it has turned out he is quite badly delayed although this help has been through our local authority not through the agency we went through.  He has also seen a paediatrician and we have since been told that our lo is likely to need support throughout his life because the condition he has will not be something he will grow out of.  Anyway the long and the short of it is that we feel we have been let down by SS as we now are faced with a child who may need support for the rest of his life and our future is very uncertain in terms of not knowing how severe his condition may be.  We always said we didn't feel we could cope with a child who had special needs.  I now feel very alone in that I don't feel that I fit into any group as such and I feel so sad that I am in this position.

Has anyone out there been misled in similar ways (I believe more down to incompetence than malice) and if so how did you deal with it?

I love this little boy to death but I am also very scared if huge future as I just don't know what I will be faced with and sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball as it is all a waiting game.


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## GERTIE179

Hi

First sorry you are feeling this way ((hugs)). I presume your lb is still quite young? In which case, whilst you want to get all the info to make an informed decision, there us the other part is that we adopters all sign up for a level of uncertainty. If your concerns were noted (ie as part if lac reviews etc) then you may have a case to go back and get a financial support package if it's likely you will face uncertainty over what work commitments you could do. I would also say that 5mths isn't long and you may find eye contact etc increases in time.

I'll PM you.

X x


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## Wyxie

Hi Sunshine, I only have a couple of minutes tonight but just wanted to say that I'm really sorry to read about the position you're in.  We were mislead about our daughter in quite a different way, and some really key information about her situation in foster care was withheld from us.  We are now two years down the line and I'm just looking at what we can do in terms of getting extra help and complaining about what happened.  We thought about doing it at the time but knew if we did, it would almost certainly mean we didn't get our daughter's biological sibling, which left us in a very difficult position.  I will try and reply properly tomorrow but just wanted to say that yes, this does happen, and it is really difficult.  We all understand the risks, but knowing there was a problem that you weren't told about before hand is somehow different.

Best wishes,

wyxie xx


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## gettina

Just letting you know I'm sorry you are in a position you weren't anticipating and I am hopeful that loving him to death will help your lb v much with  some of his issues.
Gettina x


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## Frangipanii

What an awful situation to be in!!! You obviously love him but of course you never signed up for this side of things. But then there is always a chance with the uncertainty. We had slight concerns with regards our foster mum. She gave our daughter no interaction what so ever so her ability to communicate was poor when she came her and her brother was treated about six months younger than he should have been cos she adored him so he was behind developmentally. We raised the concerns about this but it all got squished quietly by the social workers. Fortunately we managed to overcome some of issues.  
My suggestion is that you are not alone so try and find some one else in a similar position and try and get social services to step up and support you!
good luck with it all! Much love


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## Flash123

Sunshine, sending you masses of hugs. Youve probably already looked but I'm sure Ive read on the adoption uk forum about very similar situations, perhaps someone on there can put you in touch with someone who has been through the same??
Also i have found adoption uk itself to be a great source of information and advice. We recently found ourselves in an awful situation and the advice they gave impartial and VERY helpful. It was a legal matter and they got back to me several times, phoning with numbers and emails of people they thought might be able to help. So hey might be worth trying.

Xxxx flash


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## NancyS

You poor thing, however much you may be aware of the potential uncertainty involved with adoption, it must be so much harder when you properly love them - and even harder when important information has been missed.

I would definitely contact Adoption UK for advice and would hold off on finalising the adoption order until there is a package of care in place that you are happy with.  I'm hoping your little one has had a full developmental assessment, involving paeds, SALT, OT and physio - if not definitely push for this to happen.


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## crusoe

Definitely, definitely do not go for the adoption order before sorting out a robust support package - we didn't and I really regret it.
Hugs
Crusoe
x


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you so so much everyone for your kind words and support.  It means so much to me as I have felt very alone at times.  Luckily my SW is very supportive so far and I am very grateful for that.  Unfortunately most if it seems to be down to incompetence really more than deceit.  However I do still believe the FC was a big factor in all of this as they never raised any concerns at all.

Luckily we are now getting brilliant support through our local health services and we are receiving occ therapy and speech and language therapy on top of portage sessions.  These have been invaluable to us.  We have decided to delay putting the order in until we have the proper support in place as you have advised - thank you so much.

I think just knowing that there are others out there who have had similar issues helps although it is not good that it seems to be a common factor - as it is not fair on the children involved or the adopters as the decision of adoption should be an informed one, not one based on lies or incompetence.  I a sorry to hear also that some of you have also found yourself in such a difficult situation.  

I just try to think that all the support we have got for our lo is something we should be so proud of and as my GP said we have done more for him in  such a short time than anyone else has and we need to give ourselves credit for that.

Thank you for sharing your situations and stories as they have given me some strength as I adore my little boy but I also need to be aware of my limits and know that I can offer him everything he deserves.  At the moment I feel positive and think I can, although I still will delay the order for now.

Love and hugs to you all xxxx


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## AoC

I'm so sorry this has happened, but well done on delaying the order, and I'm glad you're getting support.  This shouldn't have happened to you, but I am 100% certain that you're going to do a brilliant job of 'mumming' the LO you so clearly adore.  (((((hugs)))))


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## Sunshine7155

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me having another rant - just feel a bit down tonight if I am completely honest.

Our gorgeous lo appears to have SPD although still not completely diagnosed but suspected by 2 paediatricians.  We went to see a paediatrician the other day and they said he could be autistic as he appears to be displaying quite a few traits, although it could also be down to trauma and his previous environment in FC which may have triggered some of it.  They also confirmed some delay which we have been worried about.

I know I need to move on from this but some days I feel so sad as I worry he will never speak, I worry he will never play with me properly, I worry he will never eat a piece of fruit or vegetable, I worry about whether he will make main stream school, I worry he may never have friends as he is so socially awkward around other children.  I know he is progressing but the steps are so tiny it seems and I guess not knowing how the future will be is really hard at times, especially with the situation over the incompetence regarding all this.  I love him so much and want to help him, but some days it just all seems quite scary and so much to take in although most days I feel strong enough to deal with it, there are a few occasions where I feel a bit overwhelmed.  

Thanks for letting me let off steam - I just so wish I had a crystal ball some days xxxxxxxx


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## crazyspaniel

Sending hugs your way sunshine.

The uncertainty and worries must be difficult to come to terms with and I guess no one can make it better  
Is there a support group for SPD? It might help to read others experiences.

Whatever happens your LO obviously has your unconditional love and devotion, you just need to make sure you have some support coming your way xx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks crazy spaniel...to be honest I don't know about support networks as I have just been put in the direction of national autistic society with regards to it.  I do have a few friends now through a group I attend who have children with similar difficulties.  I guess today I just feel a bit down about it all.  Tomorrow I will pull back the positive me again hopefully  

Thank you for replying though - I really appreciate it xxxxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sending big big hugs my lovely lady. 

You are doing a fabulous job your beautiful little man has progressed so much since coming to live with you. 
I'm always here if you need me just call you know you can anytime. 

You should be so proud of yourself honey I know I am so proud of you. 

Love you lots xxxx


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## foreverthankfull

You may have already found it but have a look at the sensory integration networks website http://www.sensoryintegration.org.uk/ they have loads of information and links etc. the also have a ******** page https://www.********.com/SensoryIntegrationNetwork?fref=ts

there are also other support groups on ******** which may be helpfull. the sensory processing disorder group is https://www.********.com/groups/301718703190213/?fref=ts

Therapeutically there is a lot that can be done to help development in terms of sensory integration/processing (including lots of simple everyday things you can do at home) the important thing is to get a really decent OT assessment not all OT's are trained to do sensory integration assessments so you may need to push for a specialist referral.

Our kids don't have SPD as such but clearly show some difficulties around sensory integration which are associated with attachment issues. Our experiences how we are nurtured the activities we partake all contribute to our sensory perceptions and often with adopted children there are so many gaps needing to be filled in I have found that even the most simple things such as introducing some sensory activities have really helped fill in some of those gaps (Our best investment so far has been a trampoline!!!).

Parenting is rarely easy especially when your child has additional needs. Sometimes I find that thinking future is just too overwhelming in these circumstances I just try to focus on the here and now the things I know and can work with .

I am sure you are doing a great job you are clearly working hard to get the support you LO need just make sure you also look after yourself and get the support you need as well.


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you everyone - Emma you are amazing too and I am glad I have you to speak to on my down days - I hope you know I am here fore you any time too  

Forever thankful - thank you for your advice and help with the support groups etc...I feel I have so much to learn about SPD and it is still quite alien to me in some ways although we have invested in bouncy castles, trampolines and gym balls etc to help him.  Our OT is really good thankfully and is in the process of producing his sensory diet.  I think you are so right about filling the gaps as we are doing just that and I know once we become more confident we will be help him eve more as you are doing 

I also feel you are right about thinking of the here and now at the moment, otherwise it does all become too much to take on - you are totally right!!

It is good just to be able to let off steam on here occasionally as I know there are  it's of you out there who understand so thank you xxxxxx


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## keemjay

I would echo about finding a good OT who *specialises* in sensory OT…ordinary OT's won't have quite what you need..
(((hugs))) it sounds like a difficult time but hopefully you will find the right support


kj x


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## weemoofrazz

Sunshine

I am not sure that this will be of any help for you at the moment but one of the 2 boys that we are matched with and will all going bring home soon couldn't talk at all when he was initially removed at 3 and half from BF and when he went to his current foster carers he could only say a few words at 5 years old! SS screwed up with him and no work was really done with him for 18 months to address lack of language skills, food issues and global developmental delay. He started in a special needs school last year.

However, I can happily report that in the last year he has learned so many words, can now speak in sentences and can understand almost everything that is said to him. He can count to 10, his eating is improving and he has learned a wealth of social skills. He has come on so much they are now planning mainstream schooling with additional support. We believe much of his improvement has been down to the FCs input. 

Children like your LO can really amaze people at just how much they can come on and I am certain with your parenting and love your LO will also improve. I feel really bad for you that you weren't made aware of the issues before you took on the LO, that is so short sighted by SS as in the long run it doesn't do anyone any good. Were thankful that everything about our match boys seems to be out in the open and the medical adviser very much tells it like it is. I really hope things improve for you and your LO now that your getting good support.


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## Sunshine7155

Hi there,

My world has fallen apart.  Following a recent diagnosis of autism and special needs it has now been decided jointly by social services, health professionals and ourselves that my beautiful little boy will be better placed in a residential placement where his needs will be met properly as they feel adoption is no longer the right placement for him and after lots of soul searching and honesty with myself I am in agreement....

How am I going to move on from here?  I am living a daily nightmare now and waiting for my beautiful boy to move on to hopefully somewhere where he will get all his very special needs met....I feel so so sad and can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to him.

Everyone tells me that we helped in so much in the 7 months we have known him and deep down I know this is true.  Social services have said this has rarely ever happened where the CPR is so wrong and none of this is our fault - we have just done everything we could.

God how did I get to this point after so many years of infertility and now my family has been pulled from me as well.


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## GERTIE179

OMG Sunshine I am so so sorry that you are facing this awful situation. I really hope you find the strength and your family help you.
Massive hugs x x


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks gertie at the moment I am still in shock and I am just getting through the hours of each day - I feel like I am living in slow motion to be honest and am so devastated as I just don't know how I will be able to move forward from this


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## NancyS

I am so sorry Sunshine, it sounds utterly heartbreaking for you - I also think you're pretty incredible for being able to support such a heartbreaking decision, because you know it is the right thing for your little boy, regardless of your own personal loss

I really am sorry though and hope you get all the support you need x


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks. Nancy your words mean loads xxxx


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## Belliboo

Sunshine sending you lots of love to get through this awful situation you are in cant imagine what you at going through xx


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## Flash123

Sunshine, as I read your post I couldn't believe what I was reading. You poor, poor darling. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish this hug could be a real one ((((()))))
The decision you have made is one of the bravest things you can ever do for your child and I admire you so much for that. Take care and know we are all here for you xxxxxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you everyone....I think I am just in a daze at the moment and am living each day meeting the needs of this very special little boy but it is so hard as I know soon I am going to have to pack up his things and say goodbye....I just can't face the thought of it right now so I am just taking each day at a time until I know where and when he will be leaving us.  My DH is absolutely dreading going back to work as the questions questions questions are just too hard to face.  I haven't even got as far as thinking about work yet but how can I face people after all of this?? That is what my DH is worrying about too on too of dealing with the grief we are going through right now and having to face when our little boy leaves us for good   

I know the decision is the right one but I feel that my life is in tatters and I just don't know what I am going to do as my dream of being a family hasn't come true and the thought of adopting again...well I don't know if I could do it after all if this?!!!!!

I guess somehow I just have to find me again and try and appreciate the small things in life that I haven't noticed for so long as I was just so desperate to have a child I haven't actually enjoyed things as much as maybe I should have?!!!

Anyway I am just babbling babbling babbling - luckily I have amazing friends and family who are being so supportive right now and I also have this site too which has helped me through difficult times xxxxxxxxxx


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## weemoofrazz

Sunshine

I know that there is nothing that anyone could say that would make anything any better just now but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your family are having to go through this. You must be so strong to be able to make the right decisions for your LO despite your heartache. All I can say is that my thoughts are with you and I really hope you can get through this.


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## summer girl

Sunshine, sending you lots of hugs, so sorry that you're going through this, I'm glad you have an amazing support network around you, you sound like a brave lady and you will get through this xx


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## Lorella

I am so sorry Sunshine to hear what you are going through. Sending you lots of hugs xxx


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## Frangipanii

It is an awful situation which you are going through. I am sorry it has to be this way and I am amazed at your courage and strength. If I were you I would plan to get some counselling booked.  That's if you are open to counselling not everyone is. Surely the agency or LA can sort that out for you. I cannot comprehend how hard this must be or how you must be feeling but I am sitting here writing this thinking what a brave and wonderfully strong woman you are. 
I know there is nothing I can do to help realistically but send you love. 
Much much love 
Fran x x x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am so sorry sunshine there are no words for what torture you have and are being put through.  I wish you strength to survive through this.  You are being amazing I don't know how you're managing hugs xxx


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## keemjay

oh gosh what a heartbreaking situation sunshine   I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sound slike you have loved this little boy very much and tried your hardest to do the best thing for him..whatever happens for him in the end your input will have never been in vain..


I would eco Fran and get some counselling/therapy because I think you're going to need it. And get your LA/agency to pay for it if you can. I asked for our LA to pay for us to have some when we had our blip getting our DD home..I didnt rate their recommendation and found my own in the end (who secialised in adoption counselling)  and they paid the bill…*if* you can ever see yourself adopting again you will be able to demonstrate you have dealt with the fall out of this match going wrong.


sending much love  


kj x


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you so much everyone for such kind words - and for not making any judgement on us....as this has been the hardest decision I have ever been faced with and I just hope that I can live with it further down the line     

I asked my dad if he could get me some boxes this week and he asked why I needed them and as I said the words my world almost fell apart once more - the thought of packing up my little mans toys and belongings - omg!! How am I going to do it?!!!!!  I think I seem strong at the moment because I can only live in the day I am in as if I go any further forward than that then I a  afraid I may just crack :-( 

How can I deal with all of this?  I am so scared of the next few weeks and whether I am going to be able to get through it still standing?  I am so worried about my poor DH too as he goes back to work tomorrow after this news and you know how everyone innocently asks after your child!! This question is going to be so painful - more painful than the one we got whilst trying for a baby - 'do you have any children?' How do we answer it when the situation is so complex - it isn't something that can be answered really 

Anyway I am rambling as usual - I just have to keep pulling out the strength somehow and carry on - we are hoping to go away once our lb has gone as the silence will just be deafening.

Do you know I never knew what people meant when they said sometimes love just isn't enough - as I this case it is so true although I also am trying to believe that my love gave me the strength to help my lb more than I would be able to help him.  
Xxxxxxxxxx


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## Wyxie

I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you.  What a terrible position to be put in, I can't imagine what you must be going through now.

Thinking of you and your family,

Wyxie xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

No judgements ever for what seems like such an impossible situation   As everyone has said you've both put little boys needs first and made the heartbreaking decision for him to move on, but it means he'll get the specialist help he needs. That's love. Make sure you get funded adoption specific counselling if you can, I'll be thinking of you. I'm so very sorry this has happened xxx


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## Duckling

I am so so sorry that you are going through this hell. You poor poor thing. It is obvious how much you love your little boy and want the best for him. I can only say that I am thinking of you. Please like others say, get help for yourself. Huge  . I am so sorry. Xxx


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## Frangipanii

I know I have already said it but I really feel for you. Do you think there is anything any of us could do to help! Please remember we are here and we want to help and we are all sending you so much love! 
Xxxxxxxx


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## AoC

Oh my dear, what a horrific situation.  No judgement here, either, just lots of hugs and wishes for strength and for your friends and family to look after you.  I think you're incredibly brave, and your LO has been incredibly lucky to have been loved and looked after by you.  I am so, so sorry you're having to face this.


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you everyone you have all been so kind and your words are helping me to get through this really horrible time.

My parents have been truly amazing and are almost doing shifts so that my DH and I are not alone and I have so many friends who are helping me get through this.  I guess this is where you see true humanity in that people can be so kind.

I broke down majorly today as I had to start packing - I have been avoiding it but I can't any more as intros begin tomorrow so I have to start getting ready for my gorgeous lo to move on to his next life hopefully where he can just be himself and will be happy.  That is what he needs, someone to accept him with all his issues and problems and someone who will just let him be if that makes sense.  

I know that this is going to be the hardest time and I am not sure if I me  going to be able to get through it still standing as saying goodbye will just be too awful....

We are gonna go away in Friday and stay somewhere where we can just relax, go for lots of walks and talk and cry as that is what we will need.

Thank you again. For your kindness and I hope you don't mind me keep typing on here as it is helping me to get it out somehow xxxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

You already know I'm here for you always sunshine. 

Big big hugs and lots and lots of love my lovely xxxxxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks Emma love you lots xxxxx


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## artist_mum

Bless you.  What an incredibly tough time.  Sending love and strength to you and know that you are doing the best for that little boy.  xx


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## keemjay

keep posting hun..we are here to listen and support
i had to pack up our DD's nursery when we came to the end of our tethers with the match and couldnt take anymore uncertainty..it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do..I sobbed my way through it all..I honestly dont know how we did it but we did. Your throat will hurt, your eyes will be sore and your heart in pieces but you WILL get out the other side of this…and you will never be quite the same person again but you will have grown somehow and life will go on and you'll be stronger again one day
I'm glad you have friends to help you though this
 
kj x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending loads of hugs. I can't begin to express how heart broken you must be packing.  We are all here for you. I'm glad you're going away please try to take care of yourself the best you can xxxxx


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## summer girl

Hi Sunshine, I hope the start of your intros have gone as well as they could have today, thinking of you xx


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## crazyspaniel

So sorry that this has happened


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## E3021

Oh my goodness, how awful, you poor poor things, sending much love to you and your DH.

What a horrible situation to be in, so cruel after struggling with infertility first. I think you are amazing to be on here, to be facing up to the situation, to be loving your son so much.

What comes across is that you are doing a brilliantly selfless thing and that everyone on here is recognising that - hold on to all of our support in your dark times.

I wish you and DH a time of peace and closeness when you go away that will help you to start to come to terms with this awful happening.

Hugs and prayers for you both,
E3


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you once again you have all been so kind which is just what I need right now...

I have seen where he is going and met this future carer who is lovely and has experience with working with children with severe autism and special needs so that is reassuring, plus the home is really homely and nice and he seemed to be quite settled when I went with him for the morning today during his intros.  If I think too deeply about what is happening then I know I will break down but I still know that what we have decided is right for our lo as he can be who he wants at this placement with no pressure.  I realised today that he will be ok as he doesn't see people like we see each other and he just needs his wants and needs met and he will be ok and I know he will get that! Plus I have made sure I have passed on all my knowledge so that his visual and vestibular problems along with sensory aversion problems are respected and met properly...I don't know how I am going to say goodby to him on Friday though!! Somehow I will need to dig out some more from strength from within me and I know me and my DH will help each other through this horrible horrendous time.

I have come down feeling really ill tonight as well but  I guess it is all down to stress and upset from this situation...hopefully I will feel better tomorrow morning ready for another emotional day.

Thank you for your support through this.

Lots of love xxxx


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## summer girl

Sunshine glad the intros are going well, I'm sure it helps you to know that he'll be happy there and will settle well 😄 I'm sure you will find the strength come Friday. Much love coming your way xxx


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## GERTIE179

I'm thinking of you lots Sunshine. I know you will find this deep reserve come Friday as you've already put your little boys needs ahead of you & DH all this time.
Sending lots of cyber love to you and hope you and DH have plenty of support.
X x x


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## keemjay

sounds like its all going as weel as it can and that you are coping brilliantly. And he is too.
Friday I'm sure is going to be hard but perhaps this week is as much for you to say goodbye slowly as it is for him to move on slowly. perhaps it will be a little easier because of that. 
lots of love


kj x


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## AoC

Where he's going sounds like a wonderful place, and you're very wise to see that maybe he doesn't need people in the same way we do.  Not long now, and you'll be through this horrible phase and be able to grieve and support each other without worrying about other people.  (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

You're doing the right thing, for the right reasons.


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## Arrows

Sunshine, I'm not sure what your beliefs are but know that I've been praying for you daily that God grants you strength and peace and you are surrounded by those who can love and support you. We're all here for you in your grief.

More love than I can express in words. xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You're truly amazing xxx


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## Flash123

Sunshine, words fail me also. this is the bravest, most loving thing anyone can do. I wish you and dh the strength you need to get through this. Be kind to yourselves and remember we are all here for you wishing, hoping and praying for you and your family. 
Xxxx


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## Sunshine7155

D-day tomorrow


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## Belliboo

Sunshine7155 thinking of you & your family today xx


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## summer girl

Sending you lots of     And     You'll be strong and brave for your little boy today x


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## Flash123

Xxxxxxxx


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## crazyspaniel

Sending you strength, you will get through it together xxx


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## GERTIE179

Sending you & your DH lots of love for today & on.
X


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## AoC

Yes, lots of love and support and peace for today.  ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))  You're in our thoughts.


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## Primmer

Sending you huge hugs and think of you and your family


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Massive hugs to you and DH xx


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## keemjay

never mind whats going on in France just now..you are having your very own D-day..hope it goes as well as it can and sending you strength to get through it
 
kj x


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## Duckling

Sunshine, thinking of you.   Xxx


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## weemoofrazz

Sunshine, thinking of you and your family today. I have nothing but admiration for what your doing and I can't even beging to comprehend what a difficult journey you've been on.


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## AoC

Thinking of you.  ((((((hugs))))))


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## Macgyver

Thinking of you and dh sunshine xxxx(Huggs)


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## liveinhope

I have just read through these pages and want to echo my love and support to you Sunshine.  You have been through a terrible time and I wish you and DH lots of love for whatever comes next


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## Poppets Mammy

Oh Sunshine & DH  

My goodness, what a terrible thing to go through. I've broke my heart reading your posts. You sounds amazing for holding everything together while getting little man ready for his new life. It sounds like you guys have been a big turn around for this little man, his extra needs and quirks hadn't previously been identified and therefore weren't getting met. You got to know him for him and identified his needs and pushed for the assessments,diagnosis and care he really needed. If it wasn't for you two amazing people doing what you have done then who knows?! I'm not religious but I believe in fate and I feel it was your fate to meet this special little guy and help transform his life into the positive it will be in this wonderful residential home you describe. Although you haven't completed your family the way you hoped and dreamed you've selflessly enriched the life of a very special little boy. 

I can't imagine the hurt your experiencing, I hope you and DH are taking it easy and grieving in your own time. We are all 100% behind you, admire you and reserve all judgement. Wishing you all the best xx


----------



## Flash123

Sending you hugs sunshine xxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and thoughts for my DH and I.  I feel overwhelmed by how lovely everyone has been considering I was so scared of people making judgements of us.

Our lb went without battering an eyelid on Friday - which was obviously devastating to my DH and I as we have out so much energy into him trying to help him in every way we can, but then it is not his fault as he obviously has a severe form of autism and perhaps further special needs we may never be able to know about.  I guess it explains so much now why he came to us without crying, he slept so well and ate so well but I guess it is all down to his condition rather than anything else.  I just wish the FC had been more insightful or the SW involved or hv or any professional to be honest as it would have saved us all this pain.  His problems were like a flashing beacon on his head to my DH and I and yet no one else seemed to notice them until we had started making massive noises - it is too late for us though, our lives are in tatters right now.  I just hope we can find our way again.  All I do know is that we did everything to help our lb and now he is able to get support for all his special needs and he will be accepted for who he is and there won't be any pressure on him.

Well after nearly a week away we are back in our very quiet and empty house - my parents have been amazing and taken down the stairgates, the cotbed and moved things relating to our lb out of sight for now to make is slightly less painful for us.  I cried when I came in as my dear mum has cleaned the place from top to toe and put flowers everywhere to try and brighten things up.  I know they just want to take the pain away for us.  My dad even weeded my garden and out new plants in - how can I ever repay their love and kindness?

I don't know how we are going to move forward from all of this hurt and pain - one thing at least is that I know our lb will be ok and have heard he has slept well and ate well as he did with us so the main thing for him is that his needs and wants are met which they will be now we all know what his needs are.

I have made one promise to myself - that I won't sit around and mope and that I will try and meet my friends, continue to see the people i met following the placement of my lb as some of them are going through the same pain of having a child with special needs and they were a rock when I was struggling.

I just don't know how I am going to return to the life I had pre adoption as I just don't think I can do it - I kept returning after each failed Ivf or miscarriage, but adding a failed adoption to the list and return - well I just don't think I can do it   

Maybe this is where I need to look at my life and start to make plans...or maybe I will choose to adopt again - but my DH and I need to grieve first and it will take a long time I think as our hurt is deep.

Thank you once more everyone for being there and supporting me as I know that through this I need to turn to others now - I can't do it alone like I did when suffering infertility xxxxxxxxxxx    to you all xxxx


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## mafergal

Sunshine I have just read through you story on these pages & I am truly lost for words. I think Poppets Mammy summed up really well what I feel.

Your parents sound amazing, just like you & your DH. I have no words of wisdom, I will be praying for you xxx


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## keemjay

oh hun, am in tears reading your post..the pain is so huge i can feel it here  


bless your parents being so thoughtful  


I dont know hpw to help advise on coping with this..nbody cantake it away but it definitely can help to offload so please do think about counselling..have you LA been in touch/been supportive ..I do hope so  


sending you so much love..this pain will end..you are being so brave  


kj x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm so glad your wonderful parents are doing all they can.  You have been let down so badly and I am so angry and hurt on your and DH part.  The amount of professionals who must have seen your lb and ignored his needs is appalling xx


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## summer girl

Sunshine I'm sure you're parents are more than happy to do everything they can for you and they won't need repaying at all.  It must be comforting to know that your lb is doing well and has settled easily. You've done an amazing job with him. It's good that you've made the decision not to mope, it will be difficult but I'm sure it will help you. Sending you big hugs and love xx


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## Miny Moo

I too just cried reading your post, all I can do is send both you and Your DH a big cyber hug x


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## oliver222

Such a sad situation. Thinking of you and your dh.


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## Flash123

Just heartbreaking sunshine. I know it won't take away any of your grief but you and dh have given your lb something that NO-ONE in his short, precious life has. Because of you both, and only because of you both, he is now able to access what he needs to live a happy, content life where his need's are met, both emotionally and physically. 

My heartfelt love and strength to you both xxxx


----------



## AoC

It is so desperately unfair that other's people's negligence have done so much harm to your lives.  :'-(

I'm so very glad you have such wonderful family who have been of practical help - that's worth its weight in gold.  They would be shocked to think you think you need to repay that.  ((((((hugs))))))

Are your placing/approving authority going to source and pay for some counselling for you both?  I really think you need that.

I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say, but you don't have to 'go back' to the person you were before.  You're a different person now, and right now that person is wounded and hurting and raw.  But that will heal, and you will find you can just be YOU again, not the before you, not some wholly sad and hurting you, but just a beautiful, 'perfectly you' you.  I promise.

Ultimately, you were the loving, insightful souls who rescued your LB and gave him the life he needed to be happy and fulfilled.  In my eyes, you're heroes.


----------



## keemjay

what a lovely post AofC


sunshine you have been on my mind these last few days. i hope you are doing ok and managing to keep going in these darkest of days. 


  and     


kj x


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you everyone once more for all your lovely messages.

Our lb has been gone a week and a half now - feels so quiet and empty without him.

We have begun counselling thankfully and we have found the counsellor to be a godsend already as this situation is impossible to deal with alone.

I have 7 weeks of my adoption leave left and then I am going to take my annual leave....then I have to face people!!! I got a text today from a colleague saying she can't wait to meet my lb - I cried and cried after receiving it as I just didn't know how to reply.  My manager is coming next week to see me and to discuss how to deal with this situation to make it easier on me when I go back to work.  Luckily he is so lovely and I am grateful for that.

Anyway thank you again for all thinking of me.

Lots of love xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So glad you're finding counselling useful no one could possibly deal with all you've been through alone.  Glad your managers supporting you.  Don't be afraid to ask your counsellor or GP to sign you off if you need longer you might want or need some of your annual leave for other things.  Huge hugs you're amazing xxxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks mummy DIY diva that is lovely - I don't feel very amazing to be honest but yo ur words mean loads xxx


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## keemjay

I'm so glad the counselling is helping and you've found a good person to walk with you through this  
really good you manager is being supportive too..hopefully he can break the news to everyone else ahead of you returning and so you wont have to keep answering repeatedly to the same questions
DIY Diva makes a good point..you shouldn't have to use your annual leave up as part of this 'recovery time'..please consider asking to be signed off instead if you feel you need more time
holding you in my thoughts


kj x


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## Duckling

Sunshine  . I'm so glad you're having counselling. You should feel so proud of yourself. I too think that you shouldn't be using your annual leave for this. Huge   again. Thinking of you. Xx


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## monty moo

Sunshine,
I just wanted to pop on here and offer my heartfelt support. I work in a special needs 
school and we work with children like the lb who was part of your family. It is so very difficult to do the right things and know whats best for children with complex needs and sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones for the child. You are an amazing person to have put him first against your own desires and every day I see people similar to yourself make these difficult decisions to put the child first and when people dont, often the outcome is hugely distressing for everyone in the longrun. I really hope that you are able to move on and find peace with yourself. please know that people will respect you for what you have done and I am thanking you as a professional and a teacher for making the best choices you can for him. Please look after yourself. Xxxxx


----------



## Mummy Noodles!

There are no words.  This situation you and DH have found yourself in is a nightmare. 


My advice. What we did to ease our grief. (I know it is different but if I can help in any way...) Cry, cry, cry and talk, talk, talk ... Get it all out as in the long run the grief will make you ill. Give it a lot of TIME. Lean on your parents and friends. 


The Girls on here are wonderful so keep on writing down your feelings. 


      Many hugs 


Noodles xx


(Have read the whole thread now....was in a rush this morning ....   . Sorry)


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## Sunshine7155

Thank you so much Monty Moo and mummy noodles - both your comments are so lovely.

Monty moo thanks for writing from a professional point of view too as I know you understand the situation we were faced with.  It truly was so hard and to be honest now I know it was the right situation for all of us and our lb (sadly no longer our lb   ) is in a lovely foster home and he can be the lb he wants to be with no pressure.  We have since been told that he has been diagnosed with a severe form of autism and may need a padded room eventually.  He has already been issued with a helmet too so I think that gives the idea of the level he was at.  I just feel so sad this turned out how it did.  I realise now that the whole time I was caring for him I was just containing him and keeping him safe and that was all I was able to do as there was no interaction at all.  My hv visited me today and she has been a rock but she aptly said that fate was on our lb's side in that he met us and we got him the help he needed but sadly my DH and I lost an arm, a leg and a kidney in the process.

I still can't leave my house without running to the car in case my neighbours see me and I still can't face the thought of returning to a full time job   . I know we have nothing to reproach ourselves for but it is not a situation that can be explained in one sentence so we just hide from people instead.

Well we go on holiday in a few weeks and I plan to just sit by the pool, read and grieve and grieve and grieve in hope that I will be able to get my strength back.  I have really struggled this last few weeks despite telling people I am ok and trying to smile.

Our counsellor is truly amazing and has been a great support but I know that it will take and awful lot of counselling to feel able to smile again genuinely and laugh without feeling guilty.

Mummy noodles I am sorry you found yourself in  a situation where you needed to grieve too but you are so right it is a case of just going with your feelings and being kind.  

You are all amazing and I thank you once more for your support through this as it is appreciated so much xxxxxx


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## Sunshine7155

Mummy noodles I just read your signature and feel I need to say more as what i said before I am sure does not quite cover the loss you must have felt so I send you a big hug.  Xxxxx


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## Mummy Noodles!

Time does heal. You can't forget but you will start to move on. I know this doesn't ease your pain at the moment....Take each day ( hour or minutes on really bad days)at a time. Big hugs    


Noodles xxx


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## Sunshine7155

I just wannae go agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  !!!!!!!!!

Sorry but I am just so sick of SS and incompetence!!!  The meeting that was supposed to happen didn't happen as the main person never turned up so we are still left with no answers!!  Then we got an email regarding our complaint detailing our complaint and there were so many typos and spelling mistakes my DH and I had to retype it!!  I have totally and utterly lost faith!  It is such a insult to us and don't they realise that this is our life?!!! Why can't they realise that every mistake they make and every time they do this they mess our heads up?  I am just sooooooo fed up


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Huge hugs that's disgusting hun no words to sum up the anger and hurt. As you say their job but your life and that needs recognition and respect xxx


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## Flash123

Shocking sunshine utterly shocking. Such incompetence yet they expect you to carry on and live life as if it is normal. As you say, don't they realise the impact this has on you and your poor family. Im Sending you huge hugs sunshine but I wish with all my heart there was something any of us could do to help you and your dh. Take care lovely xxxx


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## GERTIE179

Oh hugs! What utter nim rods! They need to get themselves a reality check and remember the impact to you on this negligence x x x


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks all.... Just had enough of incompetence... It seems to never stop and even after all the pain and suffering they are still not doing their jobs as we want them to do them.  I guess I was hoping that this meeting would give me some form of closure but it not going ahead is no surprise.  Every day we think about what happened or didn't happen and we feel sad and this just inflames it and the feelings we have.  Pure heartache and sadness....and no one understands the sheer loss we have felt.  We feel if our ur ds had died and if he was our birth child we would have full sympathy and empathy of others, but because he was adopted we are once again not receiving that same level of empathy and it seems like ppl think 'well he wasn't yours anyway so just get over it!!'.  Well we can't just replace him like that by getting pregnant or moving on because we have other children to focus on! We have lost everything and lost our family, our hopes, our dreams, everything!!!!! I know I need to move forward but the lack of empathy from the world out there makes it extra hard and somehow we have to realise that this empathy will never come from people and just realise that we have to somehow find a positive way forward out of this for our own sanity in order to cope and get on with life like everyone else.  I really hope that soon we can dig ourselves out and use this rubbish time as a way forward and use it positively.  I dread going back to work because that is like trying to go back to normal but in reality the thought of listening to those every day conversations in the office that hurt me so much fills me with dread. Some how I have to find the strength to cope with it and maybe this is the time to change things and do something totally different xxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The world is full of selfish people who basically don't see the reality of  situations that won't affect them.  Unfortunately as adopters we are often on the negative end of this self obsession.  I'm sorry that you are being let down not only by ss but the world around you. Wish there was words I could say to give more comfort but all I can say is people's lack of emotional intelligence is their flaw not yours xxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks DIY - you are very right there and I shouldn't have any expectations on people then I can't feel let down.  Xxxxxxxxxx


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## Belliboo

Sending lol to you sunshine you've been through so much, hope the good days start to outweigh the bad days very soon xxx


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## AoC

It's called unsanctioned grief, Sunshine, and it's horrible.  IF and adoption is riddled with circumstances that cause immeasurable suffering, but which the general public Just Don't Get.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))


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## Mummy Noodles!

I agree with AOC - this is GRIEF Sunshine. You need support from others and if (you have said previously) you are not getting it shame on the world! You're clever enough to see they just don't get it. You are right so you unfortunately need to deal with this as well = feels like a huge mountain to climb and you'll never be at the top. 


Ive been where you are twice in my life as my Dad & Grandpa died in the same week ( I was very close to both) and the loss of our long awaited for bio boy.   


My advice and it's not easy...So this is how I coped - I retreated into myself . You find YOUR inner strength. It is inside you. You need to lean on and support DH. He does GET IT. His grief isn't the same as yours and will ebb and flow at different times (which is confusing) but he understands what you're talking about. It's fine to have a few heated disagreements with him also!! You are both grieving. 



Only you and DH understand the significance of what has happened to you. It's huge. Be easy on yourself. Don't go back to work too soon....Most importantly you and DH come first for the next while nobody elses opinion matters!!!So ignore those at work as they don't matter. You'll deal with them when you're stronger. Pull close to you  those who are trying to support you....talk, talk, rant(!), talk. Better out than in. 


Most importantly you need TIME. Bereavement is time. Very boring but true. 


Hope this emotional outburst makes sense and it does help you to move on. Huge Hugs honey     


Noodles x


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## AoC

Well said, Noodles.

I would just add that in the past I've found it helpful to divide the day into manageable chunks, and not think much beyond them.  Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, nighttime.  "The morning's only a few hours, I can manage that."    It's survival mode, and it's not for all the time, but it's a good coping technique for devastating emotional pain.


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## summer girl

Really thinking of you Sunshine, as others have said I wish there was something that I could do to help take the pain away, sending lots of hugs your way xxx


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## Sunshine7155

I hope you don't mind me posting on this thread yet again....having a down moment.  I was starting to feel a little bit more positive the last few weeks until we were hit by some terrible news of the death of a friend which has caused us to spiral.  On top of all that I am due to go back to work on Wednesday   

I just don't know how I am going to manage it - I met up with my close colleagues last week which has helped a bit and they are going to meet me and walk in with me to the office, but it is dealing with everyone else.  I don't know how to behave if that makes sense....everyone is gonna be feeling awkward around me and I just don't know how I am going to deal with it.  I just hope I can somehow just be professional and not say too much as sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I tell people more than I want to.  

I think I am going to be a mess tomorrow thinking about having to go back.  It would be hard enough going back after being off 9 months without it all going wrong so to go back when it all went so horribly wrong and I have nothing makes it a nightmare.  

Thanks for letting me let off steam though - I hope you are all getting on ok....

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm so sorry about your friends that's awful.  In this life it never resins it pours often on those that deserve it least. With work only go back if you are ready if not take more time
You don't have to be a hero all the time.  I'd be tempted to say a blanket I don't want to discuss it thank you I appreciate your concern but its too painful and private at this time. That's me I find saying nothing is the best way for me personally but everyone is different and you know what is right for you.  Huge hugs I'll be thinking of you.  Perhaps tomorrow drive out somewhere totally different and try your best not to think about Wednesday easier said than done I know xxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks DIY  - yes I think you are right... I will try and go back and just say nothing about it.  I am seeing a friend tomorrow so that should help me take my mind off it.

I hope you are getting on ok and all is good? Xxxxxxxxx


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## GERTIE179

Aww petal I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

I whole heartedly agree with Diva - it's no ones business and take time if you need to
X x x

We are here anytime x x


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks gertie... It is hard to know where else to post as it so rarely happens ... Well that I know of. I guess all I can liken it to is the death of a child. I appreciate being able to post here and thanks for coming back xxxxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It is exactly like the death of a child but not just that but that at the end of all the other heart ache and pain. I'm glad you have someone to distract you tomorrow.  We are all here please keep posting because I know we all want to help in any way we can xxx


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## summer girl

Sunshine thinking of you, I think you're being very brave, it's hard to grieve for one life but to have lost two in such a short space of time is so hard. I'm pleased you're seeing a friend tomorrow as everyone says try not to think of Wednesday tomorrow, enjoy the time you have with your friend, what will be on Wednesday will be and worrying about it tomorrow isn't going to make it any better, easier said then done I know. It's good that you've got a strategy to walk into work with some of your colleagues that will make it easier. You seem to be doing so well. As everyone else has said we're all here for you so carry on posting. Lots of love and hugs xxx


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## Sunshine7155

Thanks summer girl   

You have been a brilliant support throughout - thank you xxxxxxxx


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## keemjay

sorry you are dealing with yet more grief sunshine..life can be so cruel..

I'm sure Wednesday is going to be hard, but you sound like you have wonderful caring colleagues, and I'd hedge a bet they're going to be looking out for you and taking care of you. Work may provide some distraction, hard as its going to be at first 

I think you are right in likening it to a death..its a very real grief you are experiencing. When our potential match with DD went wrong and i had to pack everything away I said I felt like I'd had a stillborn child..i was all but ready, physically and emotionally, it was like some sort of sick joke that she didnt arrive. I hope i dont offend anyone with that as i've obviously never experieced that but i honestly ached with every bone for the child that i didnt get to meet. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced and I've had a whole lot of loss in my life. I think I had PTSD afterwards and sometimes I still feel it. Of course 8 weeks later it all went into reverse and we ended up finding out she was gong to be ours after all but that didn't 'heal' the pain for a long time. I hope you are still having some good counselling to help you, can you get a session this week/next week to help you process the feelings of your return to work?

sending you love and strength, you will get to friday in one piece, then reward yourself with something nice..or funny..I recommend the Inbetweeners movie if you need laugh!

kj


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## Sunshine7155

Ahhh thanks KJ

Yes I definitely have suffered a form of PTSD through all of this - I felt traumatised for ages and I have only recently started to feel a little bit more at peace there so I can totally relate to what you say.  It is weird as his room is just an empty room now except for a rocking chair and wardrobe and I still haven't got round to putting some of the stuff left behind away although I am finally at a point where I am able to think about what to do with it.  We have decided to have a boot fair for some of it and then give the rest to my friends as there is no point keeping it as it is just too painful to look at now.

Thanks for your thoughts KJ and I am just glad you had a happy ending to your story as I am sure I will in time too - albeit not through adoption I doubt.  Thank you for sharing your feelings with me though as to be honest I do feel rather alone sometimes in the fact that adoption disruption is so rare.

Love and hugs to you xxx


----------



## keemjay

Hi Sunshine..well its thurs now so you will be into your 2nd day back..I hope it has gone as well as it could and that you are looking after yourself. Only 1 more day till the weekend  
 
kj x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hope you've got through the last couple of days thinking of you x .


----------



## crusoe

Hi Sunshine
I have only just caught up with this thread after a brief post on page 1.
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry and sad about what has happened to you. Your sense of loss must be enormous.
You sound very strong, even if you don't always feel it or want to be it.
Sending you a huge hug and positive thoughts for your future - it can in time still be a happy and fulfilling one, if different to the one you imagined.
Love and hugs.   
Crusoe


----------



## Sunshine7155

Thank you so much everyone....and I have to say going back to work has been even harder than I anticipated.  I have cried every day (including on the way in and at my desk   ) and I am sure my colleagues are getting fed up already.  I just think being back and knowing I was off for nothing really has made it so much harder.

Of Friday I was in such a state that I told my new boss that I was struggling and was finding it really hard to come in and she was not really very sympathetic.  She said I had a few options and the first option she said was to resign - and then as an after thought she said or go sick.  I couldn't believe those words came from her mouth - I was really upset.  She also suggested I see my counsellor - which I did on Saturday.  My counsellor has been a godsend and suggested I ask for a proper phased return where I go in every other day and just do part time hours in the days I am there.  S tomorrow I have to muster up the strength to do this as I really don't want to go off sick.

I have also found a few people have ignored me completely - I try to see it as their problem in that they are incapable of dealing with my sadness but it still upsets me deep down as I know I have done nothing wrong.

So this weekend has been spoiled by worrying and anxiety which I really don't need but I am determined to find some balls and fight back and not be pooed on as I have had a nightmare and I need to make them see that rather than just seeing me as a nuisance.  Thanks everyone once more for your amazing support xxxxxxxxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww petal - sending you much love and courage. Definitely phased return (I'm sure your GP would support via a Fit Note). Do you have a union or HR as I would be p88ved at your boss!

X x


----------



## SWGirl

Hi Sunshine,

I just wanted to say that I hope everything turns out well in the future for you and for your little boy.

I've been reading this thread since the start and haven't really known what to say until now.  Could it be that your colleagues at work don't know what to say or that they are worried they may say something that will trigger an emotional response particularly if they've noticed you crying.  I have said to a couple of different people at work in the past that I'm sorry to hear that their father had died to which the response was that they almost immediately started crying.  It was clear that other people then delayed their condolences to avoid immediately adding to the upset.  

I expect some of your work colleagues may want to speak to you but are worried about what to say or when to say it.  Sometimes I think that if there is a really difficult issue which makes people concerned about what to say then perhaps it would be best if they simply said 'I'm really sorry,  I don't know what to say but I hope everything turns out well for everyone in the end'.  

I notice that at my time of posting this there were over 10800 views for this thread but only 118 replies so it looks like there may be a lot of people that don't know what to say.

I hope all turns out well.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Definitely ask gp for phased return it's a good idea.  Also I'd go higher than your boss tell them what she said and ask that ahe is given training and support for how to manage your situation as you're pretty sure telling you to resign is illegal and it must be a worry for the company that she is unaware of this.  Obviously you're sure she's trying her best but appears to be struggling with the pressure of supporting you. I find these kind of approaches where you basically dress a complaint as concern are the most affective far more affective often than a formal complaint.  Also if it doesn't work you still have the complaint route to take.  Good luck so sorry she's clearly stupid xxx


----------



## summer girl

Hi Sunshine

I hope today was a better day for you and that you've be able to get your phased return. It can't help that you've got a new boss. I'm sure you'll find the strength you need and with time it will get easier. I also agree that you should speak to someone about your manager as she should not be speaking to you as she has. Thinking of you as always, lots of hugs summer girl xx


----------



## Smudgey

I've read your posts from the beginning with tears streaming down my face as we have been through a disruption earlier this year , I had to go back to work which was v v hard however luckily I'm out on the road so don't have to face people every day . Our disruption was at the end of intros due to security issues with birth parents and us getting totally freaked out with it all and causing us to question wether this was a road we wanted to go down ? we have found it v v tough , I cannot imagine how tough it is after 5/6 months Hun I really can't xxxx
We too felt like our Lo was dead , it's so awful a feeling , it's like she's gone , but we had no where to go and grieve , and the fact that we will never know where she is or how she is . I look for her constantly when I see LOs around the same age . We have gone through our disruption meeting now which was v v tough and we have been back to panel today and been approved again ( as after a disruption your adoptive status is 'on hold '  LO has now been successfully adopted which to be honest has given us some closure . Please PM if you want to chat . Sending lots of love to you and your hubby . Xxxx


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## Sunshine7155

Smudgey - you are the first person I know who has been through this and understands - I am so so sorry you have had similar struggles - life is so cruel and unfair.  I will pm you definitely.  Thank you for your message.  

Tonight I am reflecting after the funeral of my hubby's close colleague who sadly took his life - I guess it has made me appreciate how lucky I am that I still have my husband.  It did make me sad though when his wife said that she couldn't have got out of bed if it wasn't for having two children - I know that sounds selfish of me but I do often worry how I would be if my DH wasn't here any more  . But the thought of adoption fills me with dread now so I can't see myself taking those steps again. 

I really am sorry you have been through similar as I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy although to have someone out there who understands is massive as you are the first person I have met.  So thank you on.   

I will pm you - lots of love xxxxx


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## Flash123

I haven't any words of advice for you both as I can't even begin to imagine what you are both feeling and experiencing. Words simply fail me but I wanted to send you both my heartfelt love and hope that hearts heal xxxx


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## katie c

Oh sunshine, so sorry to hear your manager is being so unsupportive   


Could you stay on adoption leave for a bit longer, or is that negated because you've gone back now? 


Failing that I'd be tempted to get a sick note from your GP and take some time off


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## Millie Moo

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. There is a very similar story to yours on the adoption uk forum. It might help you if you pm that person as they will be able to properly empathise with your sad situation. 

You can only take one day at a time.


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## Damelottie

Dear Sunshine

I am SO sorry to read this news. I feel dreadfully sad for you. My situation was similar. The adoption disrupted during introductions due to a lot of with-held information. You mentioned things being so obvious to DH and yourself. That was my experience. I simply don't know if it was incompetence or deliberately withholding things. The complaint procedure afterwards almost took me to the edge and eventually I just had to withdraw and walk away from it all. I also found going back to work almost unbearable. I do sometimes wonder how many of us there might be around - there are no statistics and I find it isn't something much talked about. But as I have mentioned it over the years, it has surprised me how many people really have been through similar. It is shocking. In my case social services used the 'nobody knows what the future might be with these children' as an excuse to not fully disclose. It s very traumatic. 

I am thinking of you

DL xxxx


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