# Another Period Another Hope Dashed Another Month Precious Gone



## Miranda79 (Jul 30, 2013)

Oh Ladies

My DH had a vasectomy reversal back in June.  He has to have a sperm test next month but the consultant was very positive about his swimmers.  

I have very few folicles and a very low (2.4) amh.  I am 34.  I have been told by 3 fertility specialists that I wont get pregnant naturally and that I would need donor eggs for IVF.  

BUT my DH is still being all positive about us getting pregnant naturally and whilst I love him for this it doesn't make it any easier when each period comes.

I know I am being irrational based on the fact we don't know for certain his swimmers are any good, but I also know, in my gut, that its not going to happen.  No matter what we do, or try, I am not going to have a child.  

Time isn't on my side.  My body is against me.  We aren't entitled to IVF on the NHS and we can't afford IVF privately.  

I am normally a very strong person but I feel completely beaten.  I feel very very sad.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Miranda, I have been there and done that.  I really, really feel for you.

My DH had his vasectomy reversed two years ago and I remember the depression that I went through in the first year that I continually didn't get pregnant. 

A vasectomy reversal adds a special bit of craziness to the whole infertility / trying to conceive game doesn't it.  I have spent too long getting sad and angry about not being entitled to IVF as much as any other woman and it seeming like every door was closed.  

The last 2 years have been very dark for me, going from the elation of a reversal through to the realisation that it doesn't look like it will happen naturally for us and we can't afford IVF privately.  My doctor also initially refused to carry out fertility tests on me because of my DH's vasectomy and his existing children.  Those were dark, dark days.  It sounds like this is where you are at now, just completely exhausted and feeling like it will never happen.

My DH was utterly rubbish at the emotional side of having a baby with me, it felt like I was fighting him all of the way and seeing him with his lovely children became unbearable.  However, in the last 6 months, he has come through and we are doing this together.  It sounds as though your DH is already at your side lovely and together you will cope.

I know that it doesn't help when each period comes, blimey I feel that too.  I was so negative and depressed, I lived in 2 week blocks either waiting for ovulation (which may or may not have happened) or driving myself crazy in the 2WW.  It was suffocating.  I don't know whether it was just time that helped me, I don't think so, I think that it was taking control and doing something about it (and my DH starting to be a loving partner) that helped.  I hate not to be in control of my life and it drove me utterly insane to feel that there was nothing that I could do to influence anything.

I am (and DH is amazingly) an absolute convert to the right supplements, my DH's first sperm analysis was very poor and it increased 5 fold in the last one.  I'm only just learning about the whole AMH world, mine is pretty low too but there are lots of women here who have low AMH and get pregnant with help or naturally, it is not impossible.  If IVF is absolutely not a financial option that you can work on your egg quality and your emotional wellbeing.  There is always something that you can do and always hope in whatever form it might come in.

Time really isn't on my side either, I'm 40 in just 3 months time and that seems like a huge cliff to me.  We are borrowing money from my Mum though and giving IVF with ICIS one shot.  Going abroad is so much cheaper than in the UK, it is discovering that which has opened up this door for us.  Do you know, it's not what I would choose but if donor eggs is the best route for me then I am excited.  I will still carry that baby and nuture it, it will be in every way ours.

I think that how you are feeling now is so natural after a reversal and the sad news that you have received.  Take some time to look after yourself and consider your options.  Don't think about the reasons why you can't do them at the moment, just list them out and find that little bit of hope.  You've lost yourself for a little while, that doesn't mean you are lost.  I wish that I could have taken my own advice, I feel like I have lost the last 2 years of my life and it rocked my marriage to the core.  I wish that I could take it back but I can only go forward and make up for lost time now.

I want to sweep you up and tell you that it will all be ok because I have been where you are and I just wanted someone to ride in on a white charger and take me away from it all.  I wish that I could do this for you.  I can only offer you a little light to say that you will find yourself again and that there is always hope (it just might not be packaged how we thought) xxx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

I was 39 when I went through ICSI for the first time, I didn't ask what my AMH levels were, it would have given me something else to worry about.  My hubby didn't have a vasectomy, but his SA results were zero - so although our outcome (if not the route) was the same - so I can relate to that.  Thankfully for us, we were able to access nhs funding - I didn't get a lot of eggs (just 4) as one ovary was inaccessible at ec without GA.

We had read some very positive storys on the NOA thread about the impact of Wellman Multivitamins for our lads - we were put on the sperm donor waiting list as it was fair to say hubby wouldn't have any 'input' or should that be 'output' - but after being on wellman for 8 months until ec day, hubbys count literally went from zero to over a million.

Believe me, I have been there with every period, getting my hopes up if I was a day or two late.... just wanted to give you some positivity - dreams do come true - we're busy shopping for our little miracles first little uniform ready to start nursery school in september!
Wishing you ladies all the very very best - don't give up hope, thats what keeps us going


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## MariMar (May 14, 2013)

Hi All,

Just wanted to post on this thread as Miranda's and Molly99's stories were so heartbreaking... And then Sheila's is such a positive one. No matter what age or what fertility issues we have, there are many of us (with our DHs, DBs and DWs!) in the same boat, having to deal with the stress, mounting anticipation and then inevitable crushing disappointment each month. 

I'd never been on a forum before this, and I really find it helps hearing others' stories and tips - it's a sensitive subject for me (as I'm sure for others) and I don't feel like shouting it to the rooftops to my friends and wider family.

Seriously, Miranda and Molly, wishing you both the very best, and that you'll have exciting news to share soon.

x


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