# Meeting with FC post placement



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I just wondered how many folks have met with Los FCs and appropriate timing for an under 2yr old. I've always been open when interests if my LO but I'm being told otherwise by SWs and an adopter.

Just wondered on experiences especially in a LO that struggled with intros/settling.

Thanks
G x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi, 
With both of mine it was around 6 weeks after.
We expected fall outs from both visits but they both went fine.  We still have regular contact with ds's fc 5 years on    dd's unfortunately do not want contact    But ds's makes up for it and includes her in birthday/Christmas cards etc.

I would ask for a visit if lo is struggling, it may just let them know that fc is still around and hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth...

xx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our son was much older at placement and for us it was after 12 weeks, would have been sooner but because of issues the FC had, nothing to do with our adoption we had to wait till then, it aloud our son to move on. We exchange Christmas cards and they always send a birthday card to our son. We have also met up once a year, we would both like it to be more often but because it was a long distance placement unfortunately it's not possible.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Thanks Wynnster & Mini moo - your experuences has been really helpful
X


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Our son was nearly 4 and it was the day before his 4th birthday that the foster family came.................I look back at photos and you can tell by the look on my face it was not a good idea...they were desperate to see him and it was agreed the day before his birthday rather than his actual birthday would be the best for all........I'm not sure it was best for all......I felt very rejected again by DS.......his 4th birthday was 8 weeks after placement............DS could not understand why they were leaving with out him...........we should have maybe met somewhere else in hind sight rather than our house BUT we took what advice the SWS gave us at the time.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Gertie, We have been told that fc visits are not advisable as the bonding with you could fall apart and you would have to start all over again.
Our lo was very attached to her FM but during intros even she couldn't settle lo 3 days before she was due to come home to us as all she wanted was her new mummy and daddy. Her FM and ff were also very attached to her and it was decided that it would not do her any good by seeing them again all though we have agreed to send a few photos and a letter on how she is doing in a month or so.
Lo has never asked for her fc and seems very happy and settled, I know it has only been two weeks and things could change but lo is not showing any loss or upset at all.
Every one is different but your lo will be your child at the end of the day and it will be your decision and yours only wether you want lo to have contact with fc.
I wouldn't recommend it, but as I said it will be your decision.

Good luck
Skyblu.xxx


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## Tessa 123 (Jan 18, 2013)

Hi, We are 9 weeks into placement and have been told by LO SW that we have to meet FC again so that LO doesn't think everybody in his life disappears. We knew nothing about this extra meeting with FC until 2 weeks after LO was placed with us. Although this really upset my partner as I, I can see why they have this rule in place for some children but I don't see that this will be of any benefit to Our LO. He was 21 months when he came to us and has settled brilliantly and I don't think a meeting with FC would benefit him although we have no choice. SW has been supportive though and said we can meet when we are ready. It doesn't help though when FC wasn't the best in moving LO into adoption and that FM and FF call themselves grandma and granddad, they have also sent several cards with this tittle since LO has been with us. I don't think it would bother us as much if they called themselves by their actual names but maybe that's just us being extra sensitive!!


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi,
Our 2 have been home now just short of a year and we have met up with fostercarers 4 times since placement. 

The first meetup was at a playcentre about 12 weeks post placement, neutral territory, somewhere we had been before so children kinda felt comfortable. Both dd and ds were a bit shy at first but after few mins were very comfortable and seemed happy. I was soooo nervous, and scared that kids wouldnt want to come home with us, but they did, no fuss at all.... a great feeling, we were mummy and daddy.

Our most recent visit was a few weeks back, we went to dds fc home, was nervous how she would deal with it, and in all honesty it went really well. We could see dd felt instantly comfortable there, but she tends to make herself comfortable wherever she goes  
We did see some regression in her behaviours, which was not unexpected, and all is back normal now.

When we adopted our 2 we held the belief that as long as fcs wanted and it was in our 2s best interests we would maintain contact, we still hold that belief and dont anticipate it changing for the foreseeable. 

Goodluck with whatever you decide to do x x


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

We had a very messy intros where Fc couldn't hide how angry and upset she was from our two LO's, youngest especially.
We were totally opened minded about contact with FC before intros but now SW have advised us against it.
To be honest, I'm not sure I could face Fc again


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Thanks everyone - Wynnster and muminmaking I share your thoughts and thankfully we had wonderful FC who was happy to adjust as only wants best for little man and suggested we delay the original plan.

I think the advice is generally a neutral location and probably my preference as we've kept house very quiet re visitors. Just trying to plan around holidays and Foslings just now
As always thanks for all the advice x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think ideally, for a little one, a short visit a few weeks after placement just to reassure them nothing had happened to the f/c may be good in the long run.  Whether contact goes on longer term really depends on you, your lo and the f/c.  I don't know that I think direct contact always works, but I would have liked to at least have some ongoing written contact, even if it was just an email and a photo occasionally, with Wyxling's f/c, just to reassure her that people don't just vanish.  Some friends of ours had two children who were siblings and came from the same f/c, but placed several years apart.  The ongoing contact with the f/c worked really well for the older child but they had to stop it after the second child came along and she really didn't attach to them until the foster carers were out of the equation for some time.

Our daughter hasn't seen her f/c again as it was a dreadful handover, f/c didn't want to let her go, handled the handover very badly, and really nearly a year on Wyxling is still suffering the after effects of that.  The s/w wanted a meeting to happen, but later on, to give everyone time to cool down after the difficult introductions, we refused, as by the time they wanted the meeting to happen Wyxling was starting to settle and we didn't think the disruption would be good by then.  We also didn't trust the f/c to behave appropriately.  Our SW backed us up.

I am a bit concerned about the effect on Wyxling if her brother (who is due to be placed soon all being well) does have ongoing contact with his f/c and she doesn't, but we'll just have to deal with that if it happens.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi All - thanks again for everyone's advice.

Our LO had great FCs and had been in that placement for quite some time. We met up with FCs later on than we all wanted due to holidays and logistics. Things went very well (neutral location betwern us) and LO seemed genuinely pleased to see the family. LO did seem confused at times and FC did keep their distance which I think must have been so difficult for them to remain restrained but they knew LO very well and knew he had to initiate it (which he didn't try and he stayed very close to DH and I. 

LO did show a little regression in the days afterwards re sleep and some behaviours he had done in the early weeks but he didn't seem distressed or angry so I think timing and the meet were very successful. 

Just in case anyone else is unsure then I would highly recommend
X


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

glad it went well Gertie..its well worthwhile dong this meeting..unless like some of the others the FC dont behave appropriately  ..when the child has had a good experience with them and theres been a good handover then its great to be able to keep in contact. contrary to some peoples belief that it can interfere with bonding I think if its done at the right time (not too early) and in the right way then it shouldnt have a damaging effect.
5 yrs on we have a great relationship with the FF, see them 2/3 times a year and they end birthday and xmas cards.. and actually today i was writing a list of things to do and Litlie said 'can you put on your list to ring X and ask if we can go and see her'   I love it that they value the input she had in their lives..and they've observed other children move on from FC to adoption by their ongoing contact with her which has been a great opportunity for discussing the topic  


its a bit like the birth parent meeting..you dread it and then you're really glad you did it..


kj x


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Good to hear the meet up went well Gertie. This is an interesting thread; it's good to hear others' thoughts and experiences.

We chose not to meet up with the foster carers (our daughter was 16 months) because we just weren't convinced it was necessary. We worried that – given her age - it might be counterproductive. It's difficult (and we gave it a great deal of thought) because the whole concept of post adoption contact is so new (with both FC's and with BF) and it's pretty much still in the experimental stages (and the short term evidence I've read is mixed). Certainly If I'd gotten any sense of confusion/feelings of abandonment from her I'd have asked to meet with them without hesitation. She never asked for them beyond the first couple of weeks of placement though.

I think with older children it's probably a good idea to catch up with FC's (and by older I mean children who're able to comprehend, at least to a significant extent, the concept of adoption and the part that foster carers play). We exchanged phone calls and cards with FC's in the beginning, however we don't any more. I've no idea what 'type' (I hope that makes sense) of adoptee my daughter is going to be – will she be one for whom it defines and will remain at the forefront of her life, or will she be one for whom it's not of any great significance. I just want her to feel empowered, that she makes her own decisions (and this is just the approach I've chosen), so I've chosen to avoid anything which might become 'obliging' for her (and the FC's know that is my approach, i.e. that I'm not making any contact/lifestyle decisions on her behalf). I'm very lucky in that they've said they'll welcome contact from her at any time in the future, whether it be next year or in ten years – and it's brilliant that she has that option.


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