# I Felt Sad For My Inlaws!!!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
I  have had quite a sad and enlighening day. I sat talking to my Hubbies parents this afternoon and we got talking about their grandchildren, who have grown up.  As Grandparents they played an active part in their Grandchildren's life (our neice and nephews). They did things for their grandchildren that was fun, because they are very much family orientated. Now the children are grown up, they rarely see them. There are rarely any phone calls and not really any recognition as grandparents. They understand that their grandchildren have active lives etc. But what is so sad, is that it doesn't matter how much you put in with your family and show love and affection. Children do grow up and become adults and we cannot guarantee how things will turn out? They are lovely adults, but they have sort of detached themselves and this must be devastating for any family member.I actually felt sorry for my inlaws because they are lovely people. 
I also forgot about my own childlessness and it left me to ponder that nothing is set in stone. You have children, but we can never guarantee any sort of outcome?I wonder is it a gamble? Do we dream about the ideal family that is rosy and full of love. When realistically its not so cut and dry? There must be such a great loss, to have a family and hope that they may visit, or send a card etc? I often feel my life is empty without children, but i came to the conclussion you can also be lonely having a family... 
I loved my Grandmother with a passion, she was fun and i loved her as a child. I respected her and wanted to return that as an adult, but out of genuine concern, But i feel so sad, for Grandparents who do not get to see their children (another couple i know) because of lack of rights. So its only the parents that control what they do and when? So when the children grow up they have lost out, but do not know any different?
I wonder that family life is not so cut and dried, but can bring alot of pain and loss with it. I felt for my Inlaws loss today and it saddened me in a completely different way. I felt also at ease with the fact that i did not bring my own childlessness into the situation. And often in the past i used to think well atleast you had a family? But i was able to detach myself. Apprieciate the other side of rearing children and identifying that it is not as you thought it would be? The dream has also been taken away from them, which was never expected as well?
I then concluded in my mind that this is 'part of life'? And i felt annoyed with myself for saying this, because thats what used to make me angry. This comment was often used in relation to my own childlessness and i used to despair at the insenstivity of such a narrow minded view on life. And infact my inlaws do have children and grandchildren and 'It does Matter' to them.
I just wanted to share my thoughts...
lots of love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

What a thought provoking post......

You speak with such strength and sound so grounded about everything ....  I sensed a kind of "peace" within yourself when you wrote that but also perhaps an element of surprise at yourself?

It is so true that there are no guarantees in life, even with a family.  What sprung to mind for me was what a shame that your nece and nephew don't seem to take the time for their grandparents any more.  Their own lives have perhaps taken over. .... I know speaking from my personal experience, I didn't REALLY appreciate my grandparents until they were gone sadly ...  Now I often wonder what they would have said to me throughout all this IF and what they would have thought about my recent decisions....  They were so (cliche but) wise, and i hindsight, I would have had so much to gain by taking the time to listen to their experiences of life but at the time, I was too young and too busy going out and enjoying my freedom! ....  Sorry, I'm going off tangent here but thought I'd mention what sprung to mind !!

You mention that perhaps we dream of the ideal "rosy" family.  For me, I know this is so true also.  All those years of dreaming about the good times that family would bring, when in reality, of course there are bound to be difficult times too, and for many families, I would also imagine "lonely" times, for a whole host of different reasons.

It sounds as if your contemplating all of this is somehow giving you a new outlook on it all and giving you a newfound strength?  Maybe that's not the right way to put it as I understand it still bl**dy hurts but maybe, it helps a little with the pain you are feeling (well, for today anyway .... who knows what tomorrow will bring.....)

You mentioned you never brought your own childlessness into the situation.  I am really picking up that this has been a real challenge for you in the past and you have surprised yourself?  You may not see it as a "strength", maybe more as a "change" but in my opinion, this is a real strength as you've had to go through sooooo much in order to get to this place today and for that you should be proud. 

I don't think you should beat yourself up for saying this is "part of life".  You are simply looking at the bigger picture of "life" here which really IS so unfair for many people, for many different reasons (as we all know).   I also got the impression you only "concluded" this to yourself in your own mind, you didn't actually "say" it out loud to your inlaws, which shows a great depth of sensitivity.   So once again, I would say don't be so hard on yourself!!  How many other daughter in laws would go away and think so deeply about this situation and with such compassion?  Not many I think!!  People are often so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't give the lives and feelings of others a second thought ......

I hope I haven't rambled on and have made some sense to you!!  

Be good to yourself hun,
Love Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Astrid,your post was really interesting. You are so right that just because people have family doesnt mean it is all sunshine and roses.Children do grow up and move on -it is probably selfish but i suppose we all do it.

I was really close to my grandparents on my mums side- my granda died when i was 16(and doing my o levels) and i was absolutely devastated! Then my granny(his wife) died 6 mths later.I missed them so much but i suppose got on with my life also.It is only now that i realise how hard that was for my mum.I would have loved for them to be at my wedding and i think i would have stayed close to them.My other granny i was close to but not in the same way(her dh died at 62 and she spent 20 years without him).I always sensed a loss with her and she didnt interact as much with us.I was working in America for 5 mths when she took ill but luckily saw her before she died.

It must be awful for your inlaws not to see their older grandchildren.I know i have involved my mum and dad a lot with my sdaughter especially when she was younger.(even now i still make her visit now and again,altho they come over to us alot). My in laws have one family of grandchildren who are still quite good at visiting but another set who are not.

But you are right Astrid that struggling to  have a family may not only be the hard part, keeping it together is as hard. Like Gill said it was good that you could empathise with them without thinking so much of your situation.Maybe a   for you?


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Wow Astrid! It does sound as though you have done some really deep thinking on this and it was very interesting to read. You are right, just as our hopes of having childen did not happen, the hopes and dreams of parents and grandparents don't always come about either. 

I am so glad that you sound pleased with your "moving on" - it does sound liberating.


I don't think you should get angry at yourself for your thought that this is "part of life."  What matters is that you had the sensitivity not to share that thought with your inlaws. There are many things that are indeed "part of life," but when they happen to an individual they become personal tragedies. I think what is hurtful about the kind of comments we have suffered is that they do not respect our very personal and individual pain.

I am afraid I do wonder what is happening about family relationships in our society. Did you hear about the Unicef Research Report in which the UK came botttom of the developed countries for all things relating to children's welfare? 

Must go back to work now!

Love Jq xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Astrid

It sounds like meeting with your inlaws (outlaws)   was very thought provoking. And I suppose being in the type of job you are in you must come across people who have family but they seem to remain thin on the ground when they are needed.

Its a crazy world we live in right now with families split all over the place. It saddens me to think there will not be anyone around for me when I am older, but I have seen for myself that just because you have a family it doesn't mean they are going to stick around and help out when the chips are down either.

I'm really proud of you - you were able to digest what they were saying and you have shown an enourmous amount of empathy and understanding to people who, without meaning this to sound awful! Have never considered the implications of childlessness and how lonely & isolating the IF journey can be. Through your life experiences and heartache you have been able to understand their pain. 

Can I say my lovely lady, that it is such an honour to know you. I'm so sorry that any of us have had to go through any of this crap, but its seeing the stuff you have written here that makes me feel so very blessed to know you. I feel very priviledged this evening!  

Lots of love
Emcee x

PS, its pretty darn good to know the rest of you too


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Gill, JQ, Irisheyes and Emcee
Wow such fantastic replies....i am so touched by your beautiful words and i just wish that i could show what fantastic people you are to my inlaws (outlaws!!!!)
Thankyou for all the kind and beautiful words, you know i feel that you are all such precious and close friends....how great it is to beable to share things and get such wonderful replies..
Did you know these last two postings of mine (including Finding a Role), the input from you girls have really got to my core and really got me thinking. They are so positive and thought provoking, that i have really taken on your comments on board. It is very much as Ermey had written about talking to her cousin and JQ writting about her family. Its about going away and taking everything on board what everyone has posted about their angle on a situation. Then digesting the information and using the advice in a positive way..
Its great to know you are there, and thanks i am honoured to know you as well.....none of us want to be in this situation, but i would have hated missing out on the chance to have met and liased with you all.....
OHHHHH i am getting carried away, i have had two bottles of wine      slurp slurp and next i will be telling you i love you...!!!!! i think i best go to bed.....if i have written anything that doesn't make sense its because i am alittle merry...!!!
Thankyou.....
love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

WE LOVE YOU TOO ASTRID ................  BURP!!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Ah Gill...thanks! My head this morning  
I love you too!!!!


love astridx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dearest Astrid
I hope the headache is better!!
You are a wonderful person to have such a great response to your in laws. I'm sure they appreciate you in a way that is different from all their "grandchildren producing" offspring.
Sometimes our pain helps us see the pain in others  in a way that others can't.
It is also true that families are often horrible places.
NZ didn't do well in the UN stats either. It seems that the countries who do well are the ones' like the Scandinavian countries who put a lot of community and tax resources into families and that is more the bottom line than economic indicators (sorry - I'll get off my soapbox soon!!)
Sometimes I feel that maybe I need to be putting energy into children in a different way from having my own. I do see children at work but they usually scream when they see me!! I do give money to Oxfam but that doesn't fill the need either....  -oh well back to the drawing board.

Astrid, take 2 aspirin and email me in the morning

Lots love from across the oceans Jo


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