# I dont know what to do



## hoath (Sep 6, 2006)

I hope you don't mind me writing here but I really dint know where to go at the moment and who to speak with and just cant seem to stop crying.

Here goes last week we received our 2nd BFN so far this year, to say that I am absolutely gutted is not really near, we had IVF in jan but did not make it to ET, took me ages to pluck up the courage to start again, so frightened of it failing again and unfortunately this time with ICIS and 1 embryo it did.

I am finding it so hard to pick myself up again this time round, we really threw everything at it this time emotionally and financially and these two cycles have cost over £20K and I am meant to be at one of the good clinics in the country....so it doesn't leave me many other places else to go.    We have got our follow up soon and I am dreading it, going back to the clinic is bad enough but to be told we have no where else to go is breaking my heart.

I cant talk to any of my friends about this as it has now been over three years and comments like are you still doing that IVF thing.... I would rather steer away from, i know its not their fault and it must be differcult to say the right thing so to save them and myself the pain I just have cut off all ties.    But I do feel so guilty as one of my good friends had a baby last year and I haven't even seen her or the baby yet because it should be the most happiest time for her and I don't want to risk spoiling that for her by crying.

My DP is brilliant but I really do think that he is getting fed up, he really cant understand that I cant just switch off from this longing, I know I have turned into a bitter and twisted old cow who doesn't socialise anymore, who cant be around pregnant people and babies who is so bitter that we have spent the whole of our married life trying to reach this goal, we have got ourselves in to debt up to our eyeballs and the only way we might even be able to think about doing any further treatment is to sell the house and relocate to a new area...where we don't know and what treatment I don't know.

Everything just seems so over whelming and I feel that time is running out and feel so frightened but the most frightening thing of all is being without a child for the rest of our life.

I am sorry to go on and not a bit of sense but my head is just going round and round and trying to write it down I might see though the fog.

Hoath


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

hoath said:


> I cant talk to any of my friends about this as it has now been over three years and comments like are you still doing that IVF thing.... I would rather steer away from, i know its not their fault and it must be differcult to say the right thing so to save them and myself the pain I just have cut off all ties. But I do feel so guilty as one of my good friends had a baby last year and I haven't even seen her or the baby yet because it should be the most happiest time for her and I don't want to risk spoiling that for her by crying.
> 
> My DP is brilliant but I really do think that he is getting fed up, he really cant understand that I cant just switch off from this longing, I know I have turned into a bitter and twisted old cow who doesn't socialise anymore, who cant be around pregnant people and babies who is so bitter that we have spent the whole of our married life trying to reach this goal, we have got ourselves in to debt up to our eyeballs and the only way we might even be able to think about doing any further treatment is to sell the house and relocate to a new area...where we don't know and what treatment I don't know.


Oh Hoath honey  I could have written that myself. It is exactly how I feel too honey. BFN's are so devastating and gutwrenching. I recently had my 3rd BFN and now have to save up another £5k for another attempt. Life just sucks!!!

Just wanted you to know you are not alone honey, we are always here for you

Love and hugs
Tracy
xxx


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## Guest (Oct 4, 2006)

Dear Hoath

I am so sorry to read your post, and very much understand how you feel with friends not understanding and feeling so different - IVF is such a lottery and wish so much that none of us had to go through it!

I know its SO much easier said than done, but try and tell yourself that you now need time - a six month break of no tx or thinking about it all the time, just concentrating on you and dh and this will give you the time to reflect and make the right decision.

Sending you lots of ((hugs))

Love Jode xx


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Hoath   Really sorry to hear about your bfn. Sadly it doesn't get any easier to deal with. Don't worry about crying all the time, it's a natural part of the grieving process and a failed cycle is a big loss which needs to be grieved for. I bottled it up this time around and it didn't help at all, just delayed me dealing with it. This site is an enormous help, so much support from everyone.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Cathie x


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## hola69 (Nov 17, 2005)

Hoath,

sweetheart am so sorry.. I felt like you a year ago..I was totally greif stricken after having a 2ND icsi and not one egg fertilised..I thought I will never have kids and was so angry at everyone...

Since then I have done lots of research, visited other clinincs, had second opinions and am now waiting for an egg donation programme..It has taken a lot for me to get here..lots of talking with my DH, lots of advice and hospital visits. But we are both happy with our decision and wants kids so much..we are very lucky that we are able to take this chance...

We are going to a clinic called Altra Vita in Moscow and having an anonymous donor but using my husbands sperm..I dont know if it will work, but its a chance and a gift and Im hoping so much...

What I want to say to you, is dont give up, there are other ways, egg donation, adoption etc..you will have children one day..just find the right way forward for yourselves...thinking of you and if you need any help let me know,,,

Love and Hugs

Lesley xxxxx


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## cuppateacooper (Oct 12, 2006)

Dear Hoath

The same story as me so know how you feel - two failed attempts this year.  You just have to carry on and give it another go and try to focus on other things as well as the treatment, to keep you going.

Best of luck.

NC


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## sunday (Aug 20, 2006)

hi hoath.

i just read your post, and can imagine some of the feelings you are having - we have also had a long journey and are not sure where its going or how it will end.

it sounds like the process is really expensive in the uk. have you thought about going abroad? like an ivf vacation? i am not sure about what the costs are in other countries, but we are in germany, and its definitely not ten thousand pounds per try - i would say more like 5000 euros, max...maybe its worth looking into. some of the logistics in germany are that they do not have anonymous donors and that they dont do the genetic testing on the fertilized embryo - however they can test the eggs and the sperm. re. donor eggs, i am not sure, but i can imagine that it is similar to the laws regarding donor sperm.

anyway, if you have any questions feel free to pm me. good luck and postive throughts!!!


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

I know exactly how you feel.

Really feeling for you, hun, had my 3rd icsi BFN today - 3rd in a year & 4 iui BFNs too.

I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing by the cost of your treatments you must be a poor responder like me - I am 40 in Jan.

We've been trying for nearly 5 years & I just wish we hadn't fannied around & had gone straight to icsi - why doesn't anybody warn you? 

I feel so mad at the nhs doctors who have been absolutely crap!  The difference between private & nhs treatment is unbelievable!

I want to try donor eggs but DH isn't keen - he thinks we should accept being childless.

I find it really hard as I have no brothers or sisters & my (adoptive) parents are now in their 70s - keep worrying that something will happen to DH & I'll end up completely on my own - it terrifies me & drives DH mad!

Sorry to waffle on.
Really do feel for you,
Love Jess xxxx


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## hoath (Sep 6, 2006)

Dear All

Thank you all so much for replying to my message, I am sorry I have been AWOL and not replied back but had a few things to sort out in my head.

Thank you so much for all your replies and I am so sorry to hear that there are other people in this situation and I really do feel for everyone who has had a bfn recently, my heart really does go out to you and I hope you are all ok.

I have got my follow up this week cant put it off any longer, I ahave been doing a lot of research and think I have made up my mind though to go the Spain for ED but we will see what my clinic says, really dreading this appointment in a way but we will see what happens.    I have also been reading a bit in to hypnotherapy and I went to see a lady last night, not sure if it is going to work but it was really good to speak with someone independent and just let it all out, I am going to see her again in two weeks (due to cost) when we start the hypnotherapy but the main areas she will work on are my constant fear (of never being a mother), confidence etc, just to try and get a bit of my old self back and not this obsessive crazy loony who cries for no reason or whenever she sees a baby!    fingers crossed she did say we had quite a lot to work on, just wondered if anyone else had gone down this path and if they found it a help.

Jess I think your message struck a major cord with me, I am so sorry to hear of your recent BFN, it all just feels so unfair, I am also a bit of a poor responder (nearly 3 and I too am adopted myself and my adopted Mum is in her 70s (I lost my dad a few years back) I have always dreamed of being a mother but am finding it really hard to get my head around perhaps never having a child of my own, (a blood relative too) probably sounds really silly but the longer this is going ( and the more negative cycles) the harder it becomes, I hope you are ok and you feel a little better soon.

Thank you all again and take care
Hoath


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