# New - Please help!



## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hello Everyone

I'm new - I have been lurking for a while but thought I would take the plunge and join today!

I guess I need a bit of an outlet for my emotions so I hope this is ok!

We have been trying for a baby for ages (over 2 years) and have recently been undergoing further investigations.  I am 28 and my husband is 37.  I have a really erratic cycle and apparently do not ovulate (at least properly, if at all).  We always knew there would be difficulties because of the problems that I have.  However, we had some really bad news yesterday - my husband's sperm sample came back showing no sperm at all.  This was a huge shock.  He is a kidney transplant patient (he had dialysis in the past) and we expected that his sperm count would be low, but not this.  His kidney doctors are very surprised and have said that this would not be due to the kidney medication he takes.  But the fertility guy says it could be.  So we are confused.  My husband has been sent for further tests but we don't know what to think now.  Is this it?  Is there any chance we could have a baby?   Or would we need to use a donor?  I don't think the news has hit me yet and I'm trying to remain positive as I know there are techniques that can be used (eg sperm retrieval) but I think my husband thinks I am clutching at straws.

It is devastating for both of us and I want to be there for him, but at the same time I feel like my heart is broken.  What makes it worse for me, and I feel awful saying this, is the fact that he has a child from a previous relationship.  He is a lovely little boy, but I can't get my head round the fact that he could have a child with someone else and not me.  I feel inadequate in some way - I know this is selfish as it was my husband who had the bad news yesterday, but unfortunately I can't help it.  Although we have an incredibly strong relationship and have been through some tough times together, I guess I'm scared it will tear us apart.  I can't imagine not being a mum 

His family all have lots of children and everything is very centred around kids.  Everyone seems to think that I am career centred and don't want kinds which is why I'm not yet pregnant (we have been married for almost 2 years) - if only they knew!  I can't bear to go to any family events - I am the only person there without a child and I feel so isolated.

Sorry for the ramble and I appreciate that there are options out there that we haven't yet explored and that we are just at the start of what could be a long journey, but I really needed someone to talk to and to feel less isolated than I feel at the moment.  It would be great if someone could reply so I know that we are not alone!

Thanks for reading (if you got this far)!  I'm glad I found this site as it is good to know there are others out there who have similar problems and feelings.

S xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

Hi there spud1980, welcome  

Just read your post and thought I would say hello  . You have definately come to the right place, this site has been a god send to me, before this site I felt I was going in sane   and everyone and there sisters where having or had babies  .

Take a good look around this site and go into chat, I feel I am starting to get my sanity back now in just a few short weeks   thanks to everyone on here, we all feel pretty much the same and it's great for sounding off, rather then taking it out on hubby, which I did regular and thought we would end in divorce  .

Anyway just wanted to say hi and let you no you are definately not alone, there are many of us out there  

Take care
Howlett x


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## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hi Howlett

Thanks for your kind words, it is good to know we are not alone!  One of the things I worry about is taking it out on each other so it is good to have another sounding board - it's not really something I want to talk about to my family or friends just yet.  There are lots of things on this site that I have found helpful already so I guess that is a good start.

Take care
S xx


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## Sue74 (Feb 26, 2009)

Hi spud1980

Just wanted to send you a big  , so glad you decided to join FF,everyone is so supportive and understands your heartbreak.  Good luck with your fertility journey

Take care love sue xxx


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## kiwitk (Jul 3, 2007)

Hi Spud,

Welcome to FF, I found it incredibly helpful throughout my journey, especially for information which the medical profession seem uninclined to share half the time!  Most of what I learned throughout I learnt from the girls on FF 

So sorry to hear your story, you are not being selfish in any way with your feelings, all of us on here know what it is to want to be a Mum.  I was the same as you in as much as I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and so was only ovulating every couple of months, but I was lucky enough that hubby had a healthy sperm count so IVF was possible for us. We got pregnant with twins thru IVF, sadly lost one at 20 weeks, but twin two is doing well and due date is June 10th.  So the non-ovulation does'nt have to be a barrier.

Regarding your hubby - I would ask for a repeat of the test to be absolutely sure that there wasn't an error made, these clinics and hospitals are NOT infalible on test results - I can tell you that from personal experience!!  If it's still not good news hopefully as your hubby is already lucky enough to have a biological child himself he'll be supportive in your desire for motherhood to allow the use of donor sperm.  Some difficult conversations ahead...... but sounds like you have a great relationship to see you through 

Wish you every success and really hope your dream of motherhood comes true for you.

Kiwi xx


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## nicola26 (Mar 17, 2009)

Hi

I just had to reply - i am quite new to this site myself, and your post brought me to tears.  I feel the same as you in the way of going to family parties etc and all i have ever got for 7 years is you not pregnant yet, when are you having a baby.  it is awful and the worst thing people could say to you as you dont want to reply with the truth.  I always just replied with ' oh no not yet, im too busy with work, i want one more promotion first.  they look at me as if im a selfish person or just plain weird, but if i dont say this it make me fell upset, I have managed to conrol that over the years.  everyone is always getting pregnant and you do feel jealous and even angry.

My husbands sperm count was really low, and today found out we can have ICSI, for which we are lucky, but there still is no chance, i think this is why afterwards i would most liekely donate egss to people, just to be able to give them a chance.  you do need to speak to your hubbie to talk about your results and possibilities of what you could do, we had spoke about adoption etc for years so  this would not of been a total shock if we would not of been able to have icsi.  you just need to talk to eachother, I hope everything goes well xxxx 

nicola x


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## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Morning all!

Thank you so much for your replies and for welcoming me!  

Sue - thank you for the hugs, they are definitely needed at the moment.

Kiwi - congratulations on your pregnancy.  We are having the test repeated as we understand that they can be wrong and that even if the results are not any more positive, it doesn't necessarily mean there are no sperm there.  So we are holding out hope!

Nicola - I'm sorry that I made you cry!  Glad you can have ICSI, that is really positive news for you.

We have discussed the possibility of a donor, although we are not at that stage yet as we are still hoping that there is a possibility I can have my husband's biological child.  Test results can be wrong I suppose and I know that there are treatments/techniques that can be explored.  We do have some difficult conversations ahead but fortunately we have a very strong relationship - I guess we are just at the start of this journey although it already feels like a long one!

It's really good to know there are people who understand!

Sxx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Spud1980 and welcome to Fertility Friends 

So many of us can't talk to friends and family about our fertility issues and as we know it's not because they don't love us or care, it's just because if you've never had problems having a baby you just don't understand this emotional rollercoaster we are all on  FF is absolutely brilliant and you will get so much support and advice on here as we do all understand and help each other through the tough times and celebrate the good times  It's always such a shock when we get bad news but on the plus side at least when we know what is stopping us conceive we can make positive steps forward    

Here are some links you might find helpful at the moment. Please do have a look around and explore and start posting around the boards and making friends. FF is a wonderfully supportive community and you can only get the best out of it if you start posting and joining in so, please do so.

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Male factors ~ *CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*ICSI ~ *CLICK HERE

*Donor sperm/eggs ~ *CLICK HERE

You can have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

Wishing you lots of luck    and 

Amanda xx


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## jessica42 (Apr 6, 2009)

Hi Spud - well you'll get loads of support on this site. I have, and I haven't been here very long. I can completely understand how you feel, going to events where everything is around the kids, I'm in the same boat and it can be very distressing (although i'm sure we all hide it well in public). we were both married before and it's second time around for both of us, he has two kids from his previous marriage who I get on really well with - I'm 7 yrs older than him, at 41, and know that his family think I just don't want to have kids, and that it's "probably too late anyway". There is nothing we would love more than to have one child to make our lives complete, and many people don't understand that for some of us, having a baby just isn't that easy. I haven't told my family we are having treatment, as they are cynical people who would scoff at me, and say I'm too old. My sister even indicated once that maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mother. That hurt.  It was already dropped in the conversation recently by them about women who insist on having children when they are too old and it is risky. I just keep my mouth shut and not get into it with them. They just think I didn't want to have children.  I m/c when I was 36 and this year was referred for IVF because of my age. But yesterday I was called into the clinic to induce ovulation, (was supposed to be having an ec sat or sunday), because I produced 3 follies, one of which is small but the other 2 are good. They told me my fsh count is 5.3 which should enable me to conceive with IUI instead, and that it would not be a good idea to do an ec as the chances were too low with so little follicles. So I've the clinic today at 3pm (hubby offering his donation at 1pm), and then it's fingers crossed. it can be a very lonely road, with these thoughts that we all have, but do feel comforted that all the women on here want what you and I want. Lots of support coming your way.
Gill


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## Franklin1983 (Apr 20, 2009)

Good afternoon S, 
Hope all is well and you are enjoying the sunshine  

I was really sorry to read your post  

Thought I was the only 20 something feeling like poo

I really feel for you hope everything really really works out for you! This website is great! You can come on, rant and rave and all these lovely people listen and support 

If you ever fancy a chat just let me know


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi Spud

Just wanted to send you some   

This really is a rollercoaster ride but you will get great support on this site from people who understand what you're going through.

It's hard when everyone around you is pregnant or has children and yes family parties can be a nightmare - I have one this Sunday so it'll be another grin and bear it (and probably have a cry once I'm home!) 

So hang in there  

Best Wishes, Charlie x


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## chloe99 (Aug 27, 2008)

Hi Spud - sorry to hear your troubles.

yes, get another sample done asap to give you a definite answer to sperm number in ejaculate.

If he hasn't had an examination down below then  as well as his kidney probs he cld easily have a missing vas def (tube which brings the sperm outside) as this is not hugely uncommon.

Do look into info on testicular biopsy and tese (extracting sperm from testes with fine needle).
The biopsy may give you an idea of whether or not your husband is producing sperm.  I think if you pay to have ti done privately at a fertility clinic and you arrange it with them they should be able to If he hasn't had an examination down below then  as well as his kidney probs he cld easily have a missing vas def (tube which brings the sperm outside) as this is not hugely uncommon.  Some men have v few suitable sperm and an nhs biopsy can damage them.

Hope you get some answerrs soon


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## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hello all

Amanda - thanks for the welcome!  And for the info - we have both found lots of useful info on this site already.  In fact, it was my hubby who directed me to it, so lots of brownie points for him!

Gill - I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.  Although I am still only in my twenties, everyone else in our families seem to get pregnant immediately, so no one has any similar experiences.  So I know how awkward it all can be.  I don't think they realise how hurtful some comments can be - my sister in law is always saying how she "can't risk getting pregnant again" - if only I had that problem!  I wish you lots of luck on your journey.

Franklin - you are not the only twenty something!  I'm glad I'm not on my own   Would  love to chat about stuff - it's great to have an outlet!

Charlie -  I hope your family party goes ok.  I know they are difficult.  We have to go and buy birthday presents for our nephew and nieces this weekend - not really something I fancy doing at the moment!!  

Chloe - thanks for the advice, we will definitely ask about this.  Thanks for the tip!

Hope you all have a relaxing Friday night and a fun weekend

Love
Sxx


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## PocketRocket (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi Spud1980,

Just wanted to say   and never give up hope   

We're still fairly near to the beginning of our journey and it is incredibly difficult. I can understand exactly how you are feeling about everything... especially the dreaded 'so, what about you?' questions from everyone else. It never ceases to amaze me how people fall pregnant just thinking about it   !! That is something that I personally don't feel gets any easier... you just learn to react in slightly less emotional ways (in front of them, anyway   ) I have heard of two people this week who are pregnant who have 'moaned' when they found out the sex of their babies - it wasn't what they had hoped   I can't say I felt much sympathy.. to have the privilege of being pregnant is something that many don't seem to appreciate  

All I wanted to say is keep your chin up... talk and cry with DH, but most of all, try to keep a sense of humour   even during the toughest of times! I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason... even if that reason doesn't show itself for a while  

Take care and good luck  

Pocket Rocket xxx


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## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hi Starfish - thanks for your welcome!

Pocketrocket - thanks for your message.  I agree - it seems that every day someone else is pregnant.  One thing that really annoys me is those who say they are going to get pregnant at a certain time and do.  A work colleague is getting married at the end of the year and she says she "will" get pregnant straight away.  I bet she does as well!!  Unfortunately we aren't all that lucky.  Good luck with your journey.

Love Sxx


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## Franklin1983 (Apr 20, 2009)

Hey S, 
How are you feeling this rainy Monday afternoon 

Hope you had a cool weekend?

Any news on your next steps?

I thought 21 days would fly past for my first appointment for ICSI but seems to be dragging now.............16 days to go 

BIG kiss

J



Spud1980 said:


> Hello all
> 
> Amanda - thanks for the welcome! And for the info - we have both found lots of useful info on this site already. In fact, it was my hubby who directed me to it, so lots of brownie points for him!
> 
> ...


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## Spud1980 (Apr 23, 2009)

Hi Franklin

Weather is a bit brighter today!  But I'm feeling a bit down today, don't know why!  No news on next steps yet, hubby has got to provide another sample which he is going to do early next week, and then we wait until we get out next appointment - nothing ever moves quickly, I'm sure you know!

Where are you having ICSI?  On the NHS or private?  We have been looking at a few private clinics but can't do anything until we know where we stand re tests.

Hope you are feeling ok today, keep your chin up, I know it's hard!

Love S xx


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## Franklin1983 (Apr 20, 2009)

Hey S
Smile Smile Smile  

I just want to have the first appointment and know where I stand!!! 

We have gone private (BMI Chiltern, Buckinghamshire) took me ages to find a clinic/hospital I was happy with (location, reputation & success rate) were key factors!  

Stay positive sweetie  

BIG kiss 

J


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## shebear (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi!

Hope this finds you OK. I'm sorry to hear you sad story.

I wanted to reply because your message was so touching and I really identified with some of what you said!

I'm a bit older than you (37) and in our case it seems to be my bits that aren't working and sometimes it really saddens me to think Hubby could just go and make babies with someone else, like I'm holding him back. But knowing that it's me he has chosen, and me he loves helps... 

I know exactly what you mean about everyone else having babies all the time! At work and socially, everyone seems to be having them! Sometimes it feels really unfair, but try and keep your eye on the ball, identfying the problem is such a great part of finding a solution. I'm sure there is a soultion out there, it might just be different to what you expect... And just imagine how sweet it will be when it does happen!

I'm about to start my first cycle of IVF, it's scary, and I don't know what the future holds for us. At times I feel like I'm falling apart, but I know eventually everything will somehow be all right.

I do hope you've got a few more answers than when you wrote this and are feeling better. I know from my own experience that being able to express yourself here is a great help!!

Take care, Good luck.

Shebear xx


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## howlett (Jun 11, 2008)

there,

I got some spare time today, so thought I would catch up with some ff  

Spud - How are you? doing ok I hope  

Kiwi -   so nice to hear when it works, keeps that hope alive  

Nicola - It's fantastic news that ICSI is an option for you, it's our only option also, so why do you feel so down about it and feel there is still no chance?  

Gill - How's the tx going? sending you lots of    

Franklin - Not too long now, to start tx   how you feeling about it?

Shebear - Good luck with your 1st round of IVF, hopefully it will be your last, sending you lots of      our day will come  

 to everyone else, have great weekend

Take care 
Howlett xx


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## sweetdreams73 (May 1, 2009)

Hi Spud1980

I am so sorry to hear your devastating news, its completly understandable that you want to be a mum and have a baby with him.  I really do feel for you and its really hard for you when he already has a child and friends and family all have children.  You are not clutching at straws there is always hope and you have to hold onto that always, it may be hard and our lovely DH's dont always understand how important it is to have a child of our own.  I am sure he is devastated too but not showing it as men often dont.  

Me and DH have also just recently found out that DH has azoospermia (no sperm in siemen).  
We had two SA's done in February and both showed 0 sperm count and no sperm seen.  Our GP was really unhelpful and we did not want to go on NHS wait list for long time so we opted to go down the private route.  I got us an appointment with a Consultant Urologist and my DH had loads of scans, internal examinations, blood tests and eventually after they could not figure out what was wrong a Surgical testicular biopsy, sadly our news is that my DH has "unexplained" infertility, more than likely problem with production that he was born with as biopsy revealed that DH only had a few hundred sperm and these were not mature.  However, the good news is that because of procedures with SSR, ICIS and IVF men like my husband do have some chance (although not great) of having a biological child and his case is severe.  

We were told by our consultant that there are mainly two types of azoospermia, 1) obstructive azoospermia, which a lot of men have, which is a blockage in the tubes in the male reproductive system or no vas. In the case of a blockage this can be operated on and then you conceive naturally or if not successful then they can have PESA or TESA (where they remove the sperm through an operation under sedation) and these can be used with ICIS and IVF to have a beautiful precious baby.  The other form is 2) non obstructive azoospermia, which is a production problem, this might mean that his hormone levels are not right, but this can be helped with drugs, or in my DH case "unexplained" probably born with a genetic problem, again this can often be treated with TESA or TESE and then ICIS, IVF.  

So dont give up there are options available to you both depending on what is causing the problem.  Some men produce millions of normal, healthy sperm but just have a blockage and need a bit of help getting it out of the body to have a baby.  

We have an appointment to see our consultant at the LWC in Harley street and we are going to discuss whether he thinks we should do any screeing testing for any genetic problems that could possibly be passed on to a baby and then after that start TX in October this year.  We unfortunately have to wait six months as if you have a biopsy done you cant have sperm retrieval done for six months.  (thats the bit they dont tell you when you go to a Urologist) 

We are so determined to have a baby and we are trying to keep really positive, we have opted to have sperm donor purely just as a backup (last resort) in the event that they dont find any mature, healthy sperm when they do the sperm retrieval operation which can be used with ICIS so we dont have to cancel treatment and I would have gone through all the IVF treatment for nothing.

You are not alone, I am happy to chat, and I am sure you will find this website full of lots of helpful advice and people going through similar experiences to you.

Take care

sweetdreams73


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