# When you don't believe it will work



## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

I'm going to do my third embryo transfer in March. Fresh cycle ended up in miscarriage, FET1 was a fail. I can't bring myself to believe it will ever work. I don't think we'll ever be parents. OUr families have zero interest in us because we don't have children ('grandchildren are all that matter now'). Our friends have kids and spend time with other families. We've been left behind and I feel like a massive failure. I'd love to believe it would work out for us, but can't.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I had similar doubts and was feeling hopeless after 2 miscarriages and without a relationship.
What helped me was working with Sarah holland, she's an EFT/tapping therapist and offers a program called the fertile mindset.
Before my FET I felt a lot more positive and I'd also found a relationship by then. 
Anyway, Sarah knows what she's talking about because she had a hard time finally falling pregnant with her older son, and had her younger
Son through adoption. She was very inspirational to me!

Your thirties are a great time to have a baby, and whenever it happens for you you'll
Meet a lot of new parents, so please don't feel like you're left behind. 
As for the 'grandparents', they should be more sensitive! What you're going through isn't fun and you need all the support you can get. That insensitive comment was horrible, hope they apologise!x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i echo what youve said Flips - i just cant bring my self to believe it will ever work - i still have hope but in a 'glass half empty' kind of way.

i recently started counselling and on my last session the counsellor told me about Sarah Holland and the tapping - so im going to look into that more over the weekend.
she also talked to me about positive visualisation for fertility to help get your mind and body in a more positive state before and during treatment.

im just using good old google the weekend to research into these things - i know i need to do something to stop feeling like its never going to happen for us because theres no reason why it cant so i must believe it can - it will!

love'n'hugs


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## oscar13 (Dec 25, 2014)

I've downloaded zita west onto my phone - its meant to aid positive thoughts and relaxation......I can certainly say it relaxes me (usually fall asleep).... x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

thats a good idea Oscar13 - ill have alook on itunes later


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

Thank you ladies. I have some hypnotherapy tracks from Lucy Coffin at Catching Rainbows, I don't listen to them though, so I should rectify that. I think part of the problem is I feel so down about everything at the moment (everyone I know is more successful than me, that kind of thing) that it's impossible to feel positive.


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## aliced (Aug 1, 2014)

Flips, I could have wrote what you have written. I have no answers but letting you know that you are not alone. I am awaiting a date for IVF number 3 and am already thinking why am I bothering as I just know it's not going to work. DH gets very frustrated with me for being a pessimistic.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Flips,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down  

It was my appendix that caused my infertility too. I didn't let myself think it would work for me either, but I rationalised it by viewing IVF as an investment in my future mental health in that I could look back when I got to 40 or 50 & know that I'd tried everything and had no regrets. 

It was third time lucky for me. Have you been checked for hydrosalpinx?

Fingers crossed for your next FET

B xxx

PS I think I'd give the hypnotherapy tracks a swerve with a name like that, you have to laugh!


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

Thanks bombsh3ll, I developed a hydrosalpinx on my fresh cycle, it wasn't part of my original diagnosis so they think the drugs played a part. They decided it was static and to go ahead with transfer, and I got pregnant but miscarried. There was no hydro on my FET, and I'm having a scan to check for it before my next FET. My consultant discussed removing that tube, but I'd need open surgery so it's a bit full on. It's something I will do if necessary. 

Haha, Lucy is lovely (I've been emailing her and she did a plan for me), but yes, unfortunate surname!


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## Lola75 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi ladies,

It's good to know that I am not alone in feeling that we'll never be parents. 3 failed natural pregnancies later, we are about to begin our first ifvf cycle. Part of me wants to be hopeful but then my practical  side kicks in and says I will be less deveststed if it doesn't work. Why can't my body do what it's supposed to do!!

Oscar13 would you recommend the Zita West download?

Lola


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## Greengirl72 (Nov 7, 2014)

Hi *Flips,* I saw your post and I was interested in it as I am nearly or at the end of the line, thinking my period is coming tomorrow, so I am having the same question rattling around in my head. Firstly you are so not a failure! You may feel like it, because when you are consumed and so focused on wanting a particular outcome, and it doesn't happen, you get feelings of despair, but be assured...you are not a failure!

Personally I think society and families, (which can often be the worst) pile us with dreams/ideas/expectations that we must all be parents. But the truth of the matter is that not everyone on this planet can be through natural ways. There are so many reasons (from the down right ugly and unfortunate to the ridiculously rare and unexplained) why some of us can't get pregnant.

A failure would be someone who hadn't tried to chase the dream, who didn't open up when they were feeling down, that didn't even face their fears and take a chance. Sounds like you have done that and so I don't see any failure in what you have said or done.

I think most of us on this site know that people who fall pregnant by just sticking their knickers on the bed post, have no idea of the strength it takes to try and fall pregnant when it doesn't just happen. They sometimes think they are successful, but they are just lucky.

I thought I would have had a family when I was in my 30's, but then my partner died. My whole life felt like a failure - a total utter massive failure. I got some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and wow...I got a whole lot more of a positive outlook on life. I could see how great it was, even though something really awful happened. Don't get me wrong ...this didn't happen over night, but slowly I found contentment and happiness in really simple things. If the despair is really consuming you, perhaps look into chatting to someone. Best thing I ever did for my outlook on life.

The fertility journey for people like us is often a long tough roller coaster. Remember you aren't alone - there is a lot of us that hope that you will feel better soon. By sharing how you are feeling, makes it easier for us to share our low days too, (it's not been my best day today and I felt like hibernating).

Remember there are many ways to have a family...be a fabulous Auntie, older cousin, adopt, foster, grab your friends kids, be together with your partner, get a pet etc. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Hope tomorrow brings some smiles.


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

Thank you Greengirl. I've had CBT in the past and have been trying to use some of the techniques recently, but it's hard when you feel so very negative. 

I'd love to be a fab Aunty to my nieces but my sister wants nothing to do with me other than once a year at Christmas (and me sending them birthday presents, obviously!), but you're right, me and my husband are a family already, and we also have a rather amazing cat (he didn't leave my side for 2 days after my miscarriage, bless him!)

Thank you all for replying, it's good to know I'm not alone, even though I feel sad at the same time that so many of us feel like this. Maybe we could make this thread a place for all of us to chat when we need to? xx


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## Greengirl72 (Nov 7, 2014)

Hi, I think this thread is a good idea.  I got a BFN this morning.  Feeling ok.  I have felt this way for about a week.  My best friend and I were cycling together and she got her period this morning.  There are a lot of negative girls out there this week.  

I agree it is really tough when you are in a rut of anguish.  I've definitely been there!  Sorry about your sister.  My sister-in-law has something similar with her sister.  They have 2 kids (another on the way) and her sister hasn't never shown any interest in meeting them!  I just can't comprehend that.

I think your cat sounds awesome!  I think they are so smart.  They just know when you need them.  What a great story!

I'm struggling to concentrate on work today, (working from home). 

Just remember that the depression comes in cycles.  Let it work its way out of your system and some lighter days should be ahead. x


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

I'm so sorry about your BFN, take care, and do what you need to get through it. I think it's OK to struggle with work on a day like today, if you can take it easy then do so! xx


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