# Dealing with extreme depression



## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

I really hope some of you strong ladies can help and advise because I'm going mad in my own mind.

My IVF journey since 2010 has been horrendous and I'm currently in the process of miscarrying for the second time. With 3 BFNs and 1 (now 2) miscarriages as well as having endless side effects and hospitalisation with OHSS I've seen enough downs to think that I'd be able to cope and carry on. But this loss has unexpectedly thrown me into an abyss and I can't see a way of crawling out. 

I feel like I've exhausted every option I can think of. I started exploring adoption in autumn 2013 after two failed transfers and OHSS hospitalisation, but my need to have my own child was so great that I worked myself into nearly clinical depression trying to convince myself I was ready for adoption when the thought of giving up on a normal 2.4 children dream was making me sick. I had to see a psychiatrist for months and finally she said 'you're not getting better, I think we'll have to admit you to a hospital for a month or so for intensive therapy and treatment, as well as anti-depressants' and it was the shock of hearing this that finally stirred me into trying to drag myself out of my despair. She said 'you have to try again, it's too early to give up on IVF' so I steeled myself up and started again in mid-2014. At the time I was still on the NHS so it was early 2015 by the time I was able to cycle again. Due to OHSS risk it took 8 months on a freeze-all protocol and I got a BFP only to miscarry at 9w. That was last September.

I tried again in February with mild IVF, which was a BFN. Then I had a FET in May which has ended in this latest miscarriage. 

I can't see a future beyond this point. I'm trying to think of cycling again with some frosties and I feel a blind panic, choking my throat, clutching my stomach at the thought of another BFN. I can't see myself ever getting through and having a baby.

I also can't see a future without children.

I'm trying not to think about the future. I have a counsellor I've been seeing since the last miscarriage, and we've talked about living in the present and coping tactics for current mindfulness but I can't constantly hold back the thought of the future. And I don't have any future.

The only time I've known any peace in the past 6 years is the few months when I've been twice pregnant. And even those pregnancies were clouded by fear and then ended in miscarriage.

How do people cope? How do you cope? How do you hold back the fear of the future and keep going? 

I'm sorry for all the doom and gloom. I guess I'm just desperate to get outside my own head and connect with people. I'm afraid I'm falling back into the blackness of my 2013 depression and I don't think I'm strong enough to survive this.


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## Argybargy (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi Dawn

I am sorry to read your message and everything you have been through and continue to go through. When you get into that dark place it can be very hard to get out and I totally get that. Depression is such a complex and personal thing I know everyone has differing trigger points. You have asked how people cope..so

I met DH in my mid 30s, how I wish life brought him to me sooner, but that's another story. It's with a sense of irony that I remember going on the pill for the first year of our marriage, we needn't have bothered with the pill. Nearly four years later, no hint of a natural pg, 2 fresh icsi cycles with nothing left to freeze both ending in mc, and now I'm hurtling towards a bfn for my 3rd icsi cycle. I feel like I want to take a breath but I can't be because I'm 38 and I know I don't have lots of time.

How do I cope, first I am so very grateful to have met my DH. For the vast majority of my life I never thought I would I find someone like him (or anyone really!). As much as I want a child and life with just us may take some getting used to, it isn't the worst thing in the world. I notice you use the word fear, I'm sad my future may not turn out how I hoped, but I dont fear it. I also try and focus on everything I do have, family, friends, health.. I try hard, but it is difficult as I am an analyser, not to over think things. Give myself the time to grieve, obssess, and then try and move on. I try to focus on the end game which is having a child rather than the steps it will take to get there, as sometimes the steps to get there can be so overwhelming, if that makes sense. 

I think infertility is a hugely stressful thing to live with it feels very unfair. I wouldn't be surprised if most ladies suffer a form of depression especially after multiple failed cycles, mcs etc as its such a traumatic thing physically and mentally. You have a future and you have time, but I know it probably doesn't feel like at the moment. I saw from your diary that you are religious, I hope you can get comfort there as well as counselling etc. My mum is quite religious and I sometimes wish I had the belief system she has, as she gets so much comfort and strength from it. I don't know if my waffle helped at all, but I wanted to try and help.

Wish you all the best xx


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## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

Argybargy, thank you. I read your post a few hours ago and an adapted version of one of your statements really resonated with me: I'm sad about the present but I'm not afraid about the future. I'll try to hold on to that. I think others may also take comfort from it. Thank you. X


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Dawn
So sorry for your journey- it sounds horrendous. It's not just depression but grief as well. I had a complete meltdown this year after our last failed cycle- prior to that I'd been OK over all the years. I started seeing a counsellor this year and it was her that said I was grieving. I think I'd preferred to think of it as depression and was on the verge of going to to the Dr for pills. 
It's a horrible journey and one with no certainties. I guess before after each failed/cancelled  cycle I'd take time out, be normal, party, go on holidays, go to festivals and have fun and get mentally and emotionally strong again before doing another round. Being told we may need donor eggs earlier this year bought everything crashing down. I'm only just putting myself back together. 
I think time out definitely helps and not thinking about anything fertility related. It does really take its toll and I guess one of the main things I've learnt is to be kind to myself and not to do anything I don't want to. Like see pregnant friends/go to events that might be difficult.
Whilst in meltdown mode there were a couple of things that happened that made me think that doing something to help others would give me a sense of wellbeing. I believe that doing something nice/for the benefit of others gives you a feel good. Maybe not entirely altruistic!. Also, my dog is my substitute child and having him around has definitely helped- I've had to walk him on days when I haven't wanted to get up and leave the house and he cheers me up no end.
What you're doing with your counsellor sounds good but also talking about your fears and how you feel will be good too. Mindfulness takes practice- find something that works for you. Despite being in meltdown work for me was a refuge from it all and also the gym.
Also, have you had investigations for the miscarriages and why they happened?? That might be helpful for moving forward and feeling a bit better about a next cycle.
All I know and can say is that infertility is hideous. It's a horrible thing to go through. I hope you start to feel better soon and I have no magic answer.
Xx


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## caroline0nline (Jan 24, 2016)

Heart broken to read your story. I cant tell you how to cope with such a painful journey. I've only have two failed attempts, and i felt broken. I struggle to imagine how you must feel. You are not alone.


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## ladybug8410 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hi Dawn

So much good stuff has already been said but during my darkest times, one thing that helped is knowing I wasn't alone. This forum has been a godsend on those nights to let me (and hopefully you) know what you are feeling, the despair, darkness and feeling of helplessness - you are not alone. Its normal to grief, some days are much harder than others. Ive had 3 cycles with zero fertilisation on each cycle and you would have thought after Round 1, it becomes a normal feeling. Yet, that call the day after EC on each round has felt like the biggest blow I could possibly feel. I spent days crying, hiding under a duvet (literally) thinking I could never feel normal again and will never find the strength to try again.  I can only imagine BFNs and miscarriages being hundred times worse.

I can't think of a single thing that helped me move on but I believe its the combination of love from my husband/family, faith in a higher power and a strength from somewhere deep down that even I didn't believe existed in me - I think all us ladies that go on this IVF ride have it in us, otherwise, it would simply be impossible. As one of the ladies has previously said, my husband, unlike me, is a much more postive thinker and he reminds me so often how lucky we are to have the good things we already do. If kids are not in our cards, something else must be. The worst we can do for ourselves is focus so hard on what we don't have and forget to look around and smile at what we do have. I must say, when I was very sad after each cycle, when he said things like that, I felt like taking my shoe off and throwing it at him (so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to do the same at the computer!). But I knew he is right, just took me longer to get there.  

Allow yourself to be sad but remember to pick yourself up and move on - whether it is another round of IVF or something else. There is something great for you planned, just gotta find the courage and strength to discover it.

x


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## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

Thank you for the responses.

I had the medical miscarriage today and I've hit rock bottom. I fainted several times and ended up staying at hospital all day. They wanted to admit me to a ward but I asked to come home because I couldn't face being without DH. Since then I've been trying to deal with the bleeding and cramps at home.

I really hope I can take some of your tips on board and start to feel better soon. Ladybug, I think you're so strong, and I really hope I can find the courage to find something great: it was a very comforting thought, thank you. I'm so so sorry for your fertilisation failures. MrsC, it's so empowering that you've pulled yourself out of your meltdown and I hope that this attempt with OE is the one for you. Caroline, every failure is hard, and I'm sorry yours have hurt so much.

For me, I can only see darkness and fear right now. I feel this is the end of the road for me and that whatever I do, I will not get a take-home baby. It feels like this miscarriage has taken away the last bit of innocence that this journey had left me, of 'it was just bad luck, it will come'. I plan to go through the motions of living until I start to feel alive again, but it's almost too hard to breathe. 

May God have mercy on all of us x


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## 63053 (May 22, 2011)

Hi Dawn,

I'm sorry to read your story. I'm not sure if telling you I've felt similar will help. My 3rd transfer was last September and with the bfn I plummeted much like you. I had come off antidepressants to be able to cycle again. I couldn't think about another cycle. It took me 6months to even think about going back to the hospital. I was a zombie. I went to work like a robot only because my husband's job was on the rocks and we needed the money. Evenings and weekends I just watched tv, slept and tried to keep eating.

My 4th transfer was this June and has just ended in mc at 8 weeks. We have one more frostie and then we need to reassess.

Like you I don't want to live without that baby in my arms. We had discussed adoption. This was our 3rd and final NHS funded round and that was going to be that. But I can't. I can't give up. I have decided I want to try embryo adoption - I have yet to discuss this with hub...

I'm 40 later this year. We too started our IVF journey in 2010 full of hope and never imagining it would take this long or be this hard. 
The fear is huge, the fear of it never happening, of never having that baby snuggling into you. It's unbearable. How do I cope? I'm not sure. I have now told myself that I'm not ready to give up, that this was my dream, this was all I ever wanted and that I'm not going to give up until I'm dead...well, obviously not literally...but almost...

I had a colleague who got pregnant at 50...it turned out she had been doing IVF for 10 years....I have no idea how many cycles and dread to think what they must have spent...but I just imagine what her resolve must have been...

I don't know what your situation is, if you can afford to continue, if you have any NHS support at all...
I suppose I keep going because each time I find new things...I have only just found the British infertility counselling association and infertility network uk....I come on here and read stories, although sometimes that doesn't help and makes me feel worse, it either scares me stupid or makes me feel stupid like I shouldn't be upset with my little lot...
But whatever, this struggle is so personal, I read something the other day calling it a 'bio psychosocial crisis'...somehow it just having a name made me feel a bit better...like it was a real thing, a real recognised thing and not just some crazy crisis in my head...

Dear Dawn, hold on tight. All I can say is that these feelings will ease up. It takes time, allow yourself time to grieve and to heal...I know that's easily said when many of us feel like we're running out of time and we want and need it to happen right now...but the feelings do ease. Keep seeing the psychiatrist or therapist...I also suggest yoga to anyone who will listen but even as I say that I know that when you're feeling so low, trying to get to do anything other than breathe pretty much is a gargantuan effort...

PM me if you want to rant or chat more. I really feel for you, I know those feelings so well.
Biggest of hugs
Bxx


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## DB7 (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi Dawn,

So much of what you wrote resonated with me and I wanted to acknowledge what you're feeling right now.

A lot of what we experience isn't mainstream so we can be left without anyone to truly empathise with our feelings and experiences, which is why coming here often helps. I've come here tonight as I feel like I'm falling to bits and need someone who has been through it just to vent at. I'm not going to go into depth about my journey as that would be unfair to you but life feels like it's playing a sick joke on me at the moment and I'm struggling to cope. What stands out for me though is that none of my friends, family or pretty much anyone else I'm in regular contact with, has any idea what this process can do to a woman. Being here is one of the few places I feel as though people aren't just offering pithy comments, they 'get' it. 

I also get scared of my future, whatever it may look like. But I also know that for me, feelings change and move and settle. And whilst it may always hurt, some days it hurts a little less. (OK, right now it hurts like hell but that's today, tomorrow may look different.) I guess all I can say is don't be alone, keep on reaching out and look after yourself.


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## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

Dawn, I didn't want to read and run, I feel for you and as a few months have passed hope you are managing to move forward. This whole process is heartbreaking and unless you have truly been through it now one will understand the pain and impact on your life it has. You are strong as you have been through so much already. Take care and remember there is always someone on here who understands. Xxxx


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## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

CMA700, you sent this lovely message a couple of months ago, but I didn't respond. I'm sorry.
There wasn't much to say because my life is in limbo and still sad, but less desperate. I'm now preparing for another transfer; first scan of the cycle tomorrow. Taking it one thing at a time. I know that this attempt is also likely to end in failure (so far I have 100% failure rate with 5 transfers of 9 embryos  ). But I'm taking it a day at a time. I asked Dory how she dealt with cycling again after miscarriage and a stillbirth and she said she did it with the blinkers on, taking it one scan at a time. I like the image of blinkers, like a racehorse running through fog. Anyways that's all any of us can do I guess.  

Ps. In my mental image, I'm not one of those sleek smooth racehorses. I'm the old worn out one jogging along the track...All the odds and bookies are against me... Can you tell I feel a bit jaded?


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## LyndseyM (Jun 23, 2014)

Hello

I can understand the depression - I think so many of us are either 'there' or been there. It's like a black hole you can't get out of, petrifying and exhausting. I know it is hard to find the strength to even get out of bed some days.

Wishing you lots of luck with the cycle - I have my fingers and toes crossed for you xx


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## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

The bookies were right to take odds against me.

2 blasts transferred 3BB and 5BB. 

Do I get twins? Of course not. I get another negative    

Oh well. Sorry I can't be an inspirational success story for anyone. I keep hoping things will turn around and I'll be able to make it to other side and say 'it's possible to make to other side'. But it doesn't look like it is for me.

Thanks for all the support ladies. You all rock.


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## KnittyGritty (Apr 17, 2015)




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## LyndseyM (Jun 23, 2014)

I am so sorry honey, sending love and hugs xx


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## Dawn86 (Jun 20, 2015)

Thank you so much.   I feel so greedy for any hugs and prayers I can get   My heart feels shredded to pieces again. The pain just blind-sides you. And each time you pick yourself up to get knocked again, it feels harder because you have a longer history to try to not think about when you're trying to pick yourself up. 

My heart hurts. Why is it always so hard? Why doesn't it get easier? 

Sorry to see things have been so hard for you too Lyndsey, and congratulations Knitty! I pray it's plain sailing for you now.


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## LyndseyM (Jun 23, 2014)

I guess it's so hard because it's all our hopes, dreams and wishes rolled into one. We do everything asked of us, take drugs, have operations etc yet it still doesn't work. 

Yes, the pain is unbearable. For me, the longer this has gone on the worse it's got. The pain increases each time we have failed,  and it takes me longer to 'recover'. 

Xx


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