# getting marriage back on track after infertility diagnosis



## evan80 (Nov 30, 2013)

Dh was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia in December 2011.  Due to his very high FSH and LH levels we were advised that our only option is to have IVF with donor sperm.  The diagnosis has hit us really hard.  I think that our relationship is strong on the whole but since the diagnosis we hardly have sex because our sex drive is just so low.  I mean I can understand that Dh has low sex drive because he has low T as well but everything is fine from my side - I don't have any hormonal issues.  We have had one failed IVF cycle and after that things had started to improve slightly but now that we are going back for our first FET Cycle, our sex life has disappeared again.

Is it normal to feel like this?  It's just so frustrating that we are finding it so difficult to have sex.


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Hi evan80.

just to say it is perfectly normal. my DH has low count, low motility, high morphology and clumping. it took about 12 months for our sexlife to start to get back to normal (ish). but, it was from my side bizarrely. he was quite happy to still be intimate, but i threw it back in his face for about 9 months. i had to get it into my head dtd was for pleasure and the clinic was for reproduction.  thankfully, he loves me very much and was very patient with me.

also, when we were cycling i found every aspect of our lives togwther nosedived. its always hard gping through treatment and we all process it differently, unfortunately. 

you will be ok, both of you. takes time and mutual trust and love. keep strong and keep loving each other  

sorry if ive been no help

jade xxxxxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'd really echo Jade's post.  I think that many couples find that there bond gets stronger and stronger during infertility .... however, I think that the vast majority of us struggle all the way through or for at least a part of it.  It's just blooming hard.

I was a little like Jade really, it was the other way around for us during the first 6 months or so after our diagnosis, with my DH's results after his vasectomy reversal.  I felt utterly horrible, it's not that I couldn't see the point in being intimate, it's just that it was confused by so many other feelings, like it will never end in a baby.  It was like a wall came up every time.

After that, I went into full overdrive in trying everything possible to conceive.  The pressure around being intimate at the right times, no matter how we were feeling, was immense.  I can imagine that it was the most unsexy environment in the world, I was a bit like a ringmaster expecting my DH to perform at the drop of a hat.  I could see his poor face when the ovulation sticks came out....  

I think that it's very hard on men when they find out they have a problem too, and they deal with it in very different ways to us.  I'm still trying to understand my DH but his approach is to internalise everything and I confuse that with not caring. 

It's very, very hard to not confuse trying to confuse clinic (or ovulation time) and being together for pleasure.  It's just a big bag of emotions that make ttc even more challenging, as if it isn't enough already  .  I think that this is very normal lovely.


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi, I think it's normal to have some bumps with intimacy. After all, infertility can feel like a negation of our womanhood/manhood. For DH and I, the last 6 months of clomid were a disaster for our intimacy. Strangely enough, IVF (with OE and now DE) feels like a relief to the pressures of baby making. We've established that sex won't be the way for us to have a baby, so it's only "use" is for fun and for showing our love to each other.
If you're TTC naturally, I would avoid talking about ovulation and OPKs, it just puts pressure on your partner. Try to remember your intimacy before the baby-making madness. There's not miracle cure for the devastation that infertility brings in our lives as a person and as a couple, but with time it gets a bit easier to cope with things.
Good luck to all of us suffering or recovering from IF. 
xx


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## evan80 (Nov 30, 2013)

Thanks for all your replies. It's good  to know that these feelings are normal. I think the problem is that we both see sex as a reminder of the whole infertility issue. Sex had also become very stressful for us before the diagnosis after a few months of trying. The timing and all the opks were just becoming too much. I will be starting DR for FET next week so I won't be hoping for any miracles but hopefully things get back to normal after the fet cycle no matter what the outcome is


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