# Tantrums and saying sorry



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hello all


I am an infrequent poster but a regular reader and wonder if anyone could help me...


Our 2.5 year old has amazing tantrums (not amazing as in good    but loud, loud, loud!) which we deal with by ignoring the behaviour which is how the FC's dealt with them (she's been home about 3 weeks) and they did 'overindulge' her so we do have 'Princess' behaviour to undo...   


Should we insist and wait for a 'sorry' afterwards? I don't think she ever said the word at the FC's. DH seems to think we should, but I am not sure... she clearly doesn't understand the word, so waiting for it seems pointless.  At the moment, we don't give her behaviour any attention until she says sorry, but how long do you wait....? 


The tantrums are usually because she has to stop something she enjoys (eg get out the swimming pool, time in soft play has finished, leaving Grandma's etc etc) or if she doesn't get her own way (loads of cake instead of dinner) and she shrieks and shrieks but they're usually short-lived as in minutes rather than an hour or more...


What to do?


Thank you all in advance.... Kate x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
Terrible Twos and a confused child is a great combination, my DS was 27 months when he came home and WOW!!!! I didn't know what had hit me.  
Personally I think she is old enough to start getting used to saying sorry, the understanding of the word will follow quicker if being used but do explain to her why she should say sorry if she has been naughty.
If she is just having a tantrum then it is best to ignore it, obviously making sure she is safe, and then help her to calm down and spend a bit of quiet time after calming voicing her feelings 'You must have been really sad/angry to have to put that toy away/to have to get out the swimming pool, you were having such a good time'.  Basically giving her feelings a name and permission to feel them.  I wouldn't expect a 'sorry' for this type of tantrum.
There are a few things going on here, the main one being you all getting to know each other, early days into placement, a child who probably has never been told 'no' and one that has just lost the adults she trusted the most, she is going to be pushing the boundaries to see how far she can push, she will try to control things and she will be very confused.
If she has only been home for 3 weeks and you are doing soft play, grandmas and swimming I think she may be finding it all overwhelming.  I would do more one to one with her, still go out each day but for quieter activities like walks, play at the park (now the schools are back they will be quieter), playdoh, painting.  You need to build your relationship first and ensure she knows who she needs to turn to for the parenting/caring and this should only be done by you and Daddy at this time.  Could grandma come to yours for a cuppa?  Limit the length of time for visits to about an hour at the moment, no matter who they are.
Before activities are going to end give a warning, ie 'In 5 minutes we will be putting this away' then again remind her a couple of minutes before.  When something suddenly comes to an end, especially for adopted children, it can cause great pain internally for them and they have to let that out somehow - tantrums!!
While getting to know each other make sure you are consistent with boundaries and that you and DH are reading off the same page, they are very quick to learn how to play you off against each other and which buttons to press!
Good luck, it does get easier and she will learn to trust you but it will take time.
OT x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you - lots of good advice there. 
We do have lots of quiet time at home but have gone swimming / soft play once for a change, but it was perhaps a bit much. For the first week we just stayed at home and had quiet time. Mum comes here again probably twice a week for half an hour and likewise we've only been there once for an hour. We play a lot in the garden or at the park so as not to over stimulate her. Since you've said that and I've thought about it she doesn't have tantrums while we're one to one, so yes too much too soon.
We will definitely give the feelings a name and talk about it soothingly afterwards - that's something we've not done. 
Blimey there's loads to think about isn't there!!!
Thanks again
Kate x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I have to agree with everything OT has said.

As you have said waiting for a sorry that she doesn't understand would be pointless.  Keep your boundaries and ride through the storm when she doesn't like the fact that tea doesn't consist entirely of chocolate cake (mind you I can understand her disappointment   ).  As OT says she needs time to get to know you and stop trying to fight you at every turn.  My DD still tantrums sometimes when she is tired (fortunately like your daughter's they are short) but she will normally say sorry after when she has calmed down and ask if she can make friends.

If you like reading I can recommend "The Explosive Chid" by Ross Greene and "The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland which both cover tantrums.

Good luck


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thanks Cindy think we were typing at the same time! Tiredness is definitely a trigger for her too.

I'll definitely look out for the books. 

Kate x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

yeah i wouldnt worry about the sorry for now, it'll come..model it yourslef so she learns the concept first..
i've found that giving the child a warning when things are about to change works a treat. "5 mins till we have to leave Grandmas/park guys, ok?"  and if they start to kick off (my DD, 5 1/2, still doesnt like things ending sometimes, esp if she is tired tho she tends to just cry rather then tantrum) i say something like 'i know, its disappointing to leave when you are having a lovely time/sad to leave your friend you have such fun with' and if that doesnt work i indulge in a little fantasy 'wow you LOVE this soft play soooo much i bet you'd like to stay ALL day, or maybe ALL night too!!' or 'you love Grandma sooo much, do you wish you could come and see her for tea EVERY day?!' that often turns things about and she'll hype up the fantasy too for fun..and the situation is diffused. Your DD might be a little young to get that but it might be worth a try..often they understand more than you think..

kj x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you all.. we have tried these techniques and had a few really calming days at home / garden / park and she is much calmer. She has even started tantrumming, then stopped all by herself on a few occasions. She still has the odd one when tired for example but that's that's to be expected and they are shorted lived than previously. (We have even managed a 'sorry cuddle' a few times....)

Wow amazing advice that works!!!! Thanks again K xx


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