# Discussing adoption with your kids



## Ruthiebabe

Hi,

I've been thinking a bit about whether i talk about adoptio enough with Boo. I don't want the idea of him being adopted to ever come as a surprise to him, but at the same time i don't want to go on about it too much so that he thinks its all i thi nk about and that i always think of him as my "adopted" child....does this make sense?

how much do you guys do, and how do you bring the subject up? Boo will be 4 in november.

cheers,
Ruthie


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## superal

Hi Ruthie - the fact that you and your DH are talking about the possibility of adopting another child is the ideal way to bring up adoption with Boo.

You could start by saying would he like a new brother/sister at some time and then say that you don't when this would be as you can not grow babies in your tummy & that he came out of Mummy ....... tummy. (I of course do not know the reason why you can't conceive, just like so many of us on here)

It's usually a good way to start the conversation and at nearly 4 he will be able to understand the simple things.

Have you got any friends or family who are pg at the moment?  If you have then thats an easy way of explaining babies in tummies, you don't have to do the whole birds and the bees stuff!! 

Boo will just grow up knowing he is adopted as that is what my children have always know, I can't really remember when we started talking to them about it but it just kind of happened and there have been no big issues about it, not even with DS who is 14 & you think at that age he might start to ask questions as to WHY?  but he hasn't.

With DS his FM did a great job of telling him about adoption as he was nearly 4 when we adopted him & with DD being a baby it was easy to explain to her when my sister was pg 3 years ago making DD  nearly 4.

Good luck, I don't think there is a wrong way of bringing up the subject of adoption its just that we all talk about it in different ways.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## KarenM

Hi Ruthie

We are having exactly the same conversations in our house now, brought about by the fact that the girls are due to meet their younger sibling in the next couple of months.  So not only have we got the adoption issue but also why can't our little sister live with us.

I had an idea which I have discussed with my SW and she has agreed.  So the plan is to make them their own story book, done on the PC.  In it I will tell the story of ? and ? who had a baby (who just happens to be my eldest) and then the fact they couldn't look after her so she went to live with FC's (good timing as we have just done a visit to FC's) etc etc until the point of ? and ? having baby sister.

I have already had the not growing in my tummy conversation with my eldest as some of her friends mum's were pg.  All I said to her was that No she didn't grow in my tummy but that me and daddy picked her because she is special.  We felt that was enough to suffice at 3 years old (as she was at the time).

Good luck with it, we have pondered long and hard about how and when

Karen x


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## cindyp

Ruth, what you said makes perfect sense.

We don't want to ram it down our children's throats but also we don't try and hide it.  We don't talk about BP's much but we will use phrases like "when you came to live with Mummy and Daddy".  Occasionally we go through photos that were taken by FC's and we also have three adoption story books that we read from time to time.  Obviously with the arrival of DD the subject has come up more recently.  DS occasionally asks about her FC's and if she will be going back to them.  (I think he's gone from wanting her to go to wanting her to stay  ).  We correspond with the FC's but we don't see them as both sets are not close to us geographically.

I think it's something that just naturally comes up in conversation from time to time rather than being deliberately put into a conversation.  Boo is still quite young, just a month older than my DS, they've got plenty of time to find out all the whys and wherefores of their adoption.

Cindy


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## jilldill

Hi Girls,

Just to say I am so glad this discussion has come up, I will be watching with great interest. Sunshine is too young at the moment to understand but she is around when we discuss things with friends and family so I hope that this will be a start to the whole subject.

Love JD x


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## everhopeful

Hi all
I've always taked about adoption around dd, she knows that she didnt grow in my tummy and that a lady (sw) helped us to find her, and that a new lady (sw) will help us to find another baby for us.
I've been pondering for a long while about how to broach the subject of her birth siblings, and that it's best to do it soon, before she gets any new siblings via adoption. Our sw suggested that I show her the life story book.

So I gritted my teeth and went for it, obviously because she can't read yet, she was only interested in the photos and was asking who was who in each one. She didn't seem overly concerned or interested in any of the pics really, until afterwards she kept asking what her siblings are called.
Since then, whenever I mention about our new sw looking for a baby brother or sister for her, she starts creating, and says she doesn't want a brother or sister. 
I do believe this is directly related to her finding out about her older siblings.

I don't know how to re-approach the new adoption with a different angle so she doesn't feel any threat or worry. I actually think, she believes that she will go back to being a baby herself and go back to that life, that she doesn;t want.
I know I had to bring up the sibling thing to her, but seen as she was so excited and looking forward to a new baby, I'm wishing now that I hadn't.

Any advice please?


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## cindyp

Hi Ever

I wouldn't worry about this too much.  I don't think it is so much to do with the adoption issues rather than just a normal child's reaction to the fact they might have to share their parents.  My friend is pg at the moment and her four year old son is reacting in the same way.

Our DS also said he didn't want a brother/sister and I won't lie, the first three months after Cuddles arrived his behaviour was horrible but now he's totally accepted her and will often give her more cuddles/kisses than he gives me.  That said he will also fight with her over toys which is unfortunately another perfectly normal sibling reaction  

My suggestion is that you put the life story book to one side for now.  Although you DD has birth siblings and will want to find out more about them I personally think at her age it is more important to get used to the thought of living with a new sibling.  I know your SW has suggested using the life story book but I know if I had done that with my DS before Cuddles arrival it just would have confused him too much.  We had gone through his life story book in the past but prior to Cuddles arrival we got out lots of story books from the library about new babies.  We didn't have ones about hospitals and pg, but ones about learning to share with a new sibling and Mummy and Daddy still loving you. 

One of his favourite was Hello, says Olly Bear by Tony Kenyon about how Olly Bear stops his new baby sister from crying and Too Small for Honeycake by Gillian Lobel about a little fox who gets a baby brother and sulks but then realises his Mum still loves him as she bakes his favourite honeycake and the baby is too small to eat it.

We made a mistake at the beginning by trying to push the big brother angle on Junior which worked sometimes but what worked better for us was pointing out that he was still our baby and occasionally treating him like a big baby.

I'm sure it will all work out for you fine, can't wait to see what you get.

love
Cindy


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## Pooh bears mummy

Hi

We too are having the same discussions about what and how to tell things to pooh bear. He is not 3 yet and so far he know he use to live with AuntyX  who is his FC who we see on a regular basis and we talk about that on our way there etc about how when he was a baby he use to live there etc and then we became his new mummy and daddy. Now that we are adopting again i feel a lot of this stuff will fall into place naturally. But like other we have not shown him photos etc of birth family as i feel he is too young to understand yet.

TTFN

PBMxx


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## Barbarella

We've just been discussing this on another adoption forum I moderate. One of the foster carers there typed this out for me to add as a sticky for us adopters. I thought it was really helpful and so hope you don't mind me copying it here for you.... obviously names are completely made up.

THE BEDTIME EVERYTIME STORY!!

This is a good thing to make your child know their
story and to introduce it at a pace that suits you
all. It can be done at bedtime, bathtime anytime.

I usually start gradually and introduce small bits of
the story and make it a game. So the first line might
start "Once upon a time there was a little girl called
Alice". As the story becomes familiar you could say
"Once there was a little girl called.... " and your
little one calls "Alice" Yay you both say!!

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Alice.

Alice was born in Portland hospital.

Baby Alice had BIG brown Eyes and curly Yellow hair
she was sooooooo cute.

Who is Alice? It's You!! Thats right.

Alice had a birth mummy called Sally and a birth daddy
called Jim.

Alice left hospital and went to live with Andy And
Loobie and the 2 Teds.

Alice slept in her own room and had a pink teddy on
her bed and he still sleeps on your bed now dosen't he?

Then Alice got her forever Mummy - that's me - and her

forever Daddy.

Alice went to live with Mummy and Daddy and we had a
party with a big cake.

And we love you sooo much.

I have made this very short for a young child. You add
your own bits to personalise it and you keep the main
bit of the story the same all the time so the child
knows it off by heart. You then get them to fill bits in
and you add to it as you wish.

HTH.. 
Cxx


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## magenta

thanks for posting this - it is fantastic.  A really good way to start telling our littlies about their adoption story.

magenta


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## saphy75

Thanks for sharing this with us hun, i might try using that when ds gets older as he is too young at the moment  

pam xx


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## Laine

Barbarella,

Just came across this and wanted to thank you for posting.

Laine x


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## Barbarella

Thanks ladies.. you're very welcome.   I've started to tell Bea her story.  She obviously doesn't understand much of it, but she does look at me with those wide eyes when I'm telling her. I say "shall Mummy tell you Bea's story" and she says "yes".. bless her.

Carole xx


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi,

well to add to this Boo has been coming out with some strange comments lately. We've mentioend to him that he has another mummy and daddy and that we adopted him. So he's been saying things like "when my other mummy cooks the dinner it all comes out of the oven like poo", or "my other daddy does this" It always silly things and up till the weekend we've always just said "oh really"....or something like that.

Anyway this weekend we were making some cookies and he said something about his other daddy doing something daft. And I said: well you didn't ever really meet your other daddy, just your mummy. And he said "my other mummy X" then i said "actually her name was Y". He looked a bit confused by this so i just said he "couldn't stay living with her cos she couldn't take good care of you".  To which he replied "didn't she like me". Trying not to get too enotional I said that "of course she loved you, but she wasn't able to take good care of you". then he gave me a big hug and said "you take good care of me, don't you mummy"....to which i blubbed soemthing that was meant to be yes of course i do.

I thought about showing him the photo we have of her, but maybe i'll leave it till the next time it comes up?? What do you think??....i really wish we had his life story book.

xxruthie


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## Pooh bears mummy

Aww Ruth.

I don't know what to say really. I am having the same dilemma with pooh bear, I pop into conversation that he and pinky did not come out of my tummy to which he replied, no i came out of Auntie X tummy which is his FC, I tried not to laugh because she is in her 60's. So I said no you came out of another ladies tummy called Y. I thought this may lead to more questions and a good chance to show him some photos but he just said Oh,can we watch Thomas now LOL, Kids. He is only 3 years 5 months so I just take it at his pace.

Sorry Hun not really been much help, only to say i know howyou feel.

TTFN PBMx


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## keemjay

ruthie - how come you havent got a life story book  could you make a simple one yourself? 
obviously we arent yet in your position as littlie is too young (22 months) to ask questions but can understand how difficult it must be knowing the right things to say 
out littlies life story book is going to be finished shortly and her sw suggested that we start 'reading' it straight away..editing out most of the text as it wouldnt be appropriate.. but it will have pic of BP's in it who i do intend on pointing out and naming to get her used to the idea.
primarily for now we will be using the little simple photo album which has her, the F family and us in it..littlie already names all the F Family and says FM name when i say 'this is where you used to live, who lives there?' she stares very hard at the pics so I'm absolutely certain she has some sort of grasp on it. I'm going to add a pic of BP's in there too when i can get one off the SW...
sorry this is all a bit me me me, but just trying to say that I'm sure Boo would respond to something simple as a starting point

kj x


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## KarenM

Hi Everyone

We made our two their own book using photos from their albums and clip art.  They now that they did not grow in my tummy and now understand that they both and their sister (although they don't call her that and we don't yet refer to her as their sister) grew in their birth mum's tummy.  We talk about how we chose them because they are special.

They absolutely love it and request it often as their story.  It was also a good way of introducing contact with their sister.

Karen x


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi,

no we've no life story book. It was supposedly half done last time we asked about it, but nothing since. I have one photo of his BM which i asked for in the contact letter and they sent one one of his BGPs. But nothing else......not much of a book to be made with 2 photos.

i don't even know who to ask now...
xruthie


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## Pooh bears mummy

Hi

Well I am really proud of myself as i have done it today and showed Pooh bear his life story book with picture of BM and BD in it. I started by saying you know you did not grow in my tummy and he said yes I grew in X.s tummy (name of BM) I was bit amazed as I had only mentioned her name the other day but he had remembered it,it is the same name as one of our friends, so I said would you like to see a picture of her and he said yes, so I went up and brought it down. He was really more interested in the pics of him as baby and FM. Just glad I have made that 1st step.  Now i have just got to write the contact letter, I did a rough draft so just need to finish it offtonight

PBMx


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## Barbarella

Ruthiebabe said:


> Hi,
> 
> no we've no life story book. It was supposedly half done last time we asked about it, but nothing since. I have one photo of his BM which i asked for in the contact letter and they sent one one of his BGPs. But nothing else......not much of a book to be made with 2 photos.
> 
> i don't even know who to ask now...
> xruthie


Ruthie, can't you ask them for all the info and do it yourself. I offered to do it, as I knew SW would be too busy and it would be years in the making... and I now have all the stuff to do myself. Bought a scrapbook last week so am going to make a start in the next few weeks.

Carole xx


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi,

i've asked for the stuff several times....especially as it seemed to have all been gathered, but have never heard anymore....maybe I'll chase it again.

xruthie


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## magenta

bounced for the bedtime story!

magenta x


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