# Those days when it all seems too much to cope with....



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Just having one of those days today and I often find it helpful to get things down 'on paper'.  I'm due to be starting my 3rd lot of treatment next month with donor sperm (we've already had 2 goes at icsi with my partner's sperm) and as I'll be 41 in the summer, I'm starting to feel like the end could be soon and I might have to accept I'll never have a baby.  My partner doesn't want to continue after the next go (which is a 3 cycle package of iui) so we might have to draw a line under things which I find hard to even contemplate, let alone accept.  

I've really noticed that in recent months I can't even cope with hearing people talking about babies or someone whose had a baby.  It makes me kind of feel sick and I have to leave the room.  For the last two years I've been doing an intensive uni course which will finish this summer and I'm dreading having to go back out there into a female dominated workplace where everyone is talking about their kids, announcing pregnancies, going on maternity leave etc.  I dread social things where we are the only ones there without kids (there is a reunion coming up in April which will be the case) as I feel like such an outcast.  Then you feel worse when people make insensitive comments saying things like, 'at least you don't have all this hassle / work / lack of sleep etc', as if we have a charmed life as we can 'do what we want'.  I often get told by these people that having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be, as if going through infertility gives me some kind of rose tinted view.  

I had a miscarriage a year ago after my first icsi and even now, the pain can be so strong.  I miss the baby so so much; never realised it could hurt so much.  It all just feels so unfair and I can't imagine that I could ever actually end up having a baby.  I also wish it could be my partner's genetic baby and we didn't have to go down the donor route but at least this gives a chance. 

Sorry for the ramblings, I'm hoping I'll be upbeat again very soon as it very much seems to go in waves.  I am finding though that infertility is dominating quite a bit right now and the constant uncertainty is so hard!


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hey magicpillow

It's so so difficult isn't it.  We're all allowed times to feel sad, lonely and despondent.  We can't all be expected to be a beacon of positivity all of the time.  I certainly aren't.  We all have really awful low's, so don't be too hard on yourself.  I totally get why you're sad you're having to move to donor sperm, and I get why DH want's a cut off, but don't rule anything out.  I was convinced that I would do three cycles and that is it but we're now about to embark on a multi-package with access fertility which will give us up to another 2 goes.

I really do wish this third round is successful for you.  We go in for our third round at the end of March.  I was really rocked by my friend of 20+ years telling me that she's pregnant with twins via IVF.  I had no idea she was even going through fertility treatment.  It was a mixture of being thrilled for her, then thinking why didn't she say something, to anger that I'd poured my heart out to her and felt like it was a betrayal.  The worst bit for me though is that 2 of my friends are due at exactly the same time.  The thought of them having their lovely babies, meeting for coffee, catch up and walks through the park is sometimes too much for me to bear.

But its been the kick up the butt I needed and now we're full steam ahead with our third round.  

I agree with you though that infertility dominates your life.  I feel exactly the same thing.  I think about it every day too.  I envy people who just get pregnant without any of these problems.  My sister in law invited me out for tea with 2 of her friends last week.  Out of 4 of us sat having tea, only one of us (my sister in law) hadn't had IVF.  The three of us had all gone through it.  The other 2 ladies both had children.  What are the odds of 4 people sat together, where IVF hadn't brought them together, to find that only one of them had conceived without any issues.  

Sorry now it's me rambling  

Sending lots of love


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## ivymitchelmore (Feb 16, 2017)

Hey magicpillow and Fertilityhawk

I've been trying for 3 years.  I fell pregnant in the first month of trying in 2014 and sadly lost that baby and have since not been able to get pregnant.  It has been the most hardest time, i am new to forums as i've always held off joining for some reason but today i decided that i would take the leap and when i saw this chat's topic i thought 'oh yeah, i know that feeling'.  It just comes and goes and i've noticed from period to ovulation (sorry, i'm not used to the lingo yet) i feel so positive and upbeat and after ovulation my mood just deteriorates and I've lost hope.  I've just come off anti depressants as it really did all get too much, i'm trying to believe i can get on in life without children but that thought just doesn't stick.  The Dr says they'll start IVF with me this summer and we only get one shot, we really don't have the money to spend on further treatments.
Just like you two everyone around me seems to be pregnant, my friend who is very overweight, smokes, drinks and doesn't do any exercise fell pregnant so easily.  I try so hard not to be bitter and angry these days but if i'm honest it's still there i've just got better at masking it.
Anyway... i'm ranting now... like you magicpillow i'm just having a bad day and i wanted to share, maybe find some comfort in the fact i'm not alone in these feelings.
x


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Magic id just like to say I know what u mean about that sick feeling when u hear someone talk about pregnancy or babies 
I often get that and have to move away so I'm out of earshot 
It's an awful feeling, I liken it to hearing about how amazing an exes new girlfriend is! 


Fertilityhawke I was in the same situation in work the other day. Out of a room of 5 colleagues 4 of us had had ivf
In addition only 1 of us out of my group of 4 close friends has managed to conceive. 

Ivf is all too common, pretty sure Beyonce and her husband are ivf'ers as they are expecting twins. And George Clooney and the Mrs! 
Just wish people would be more open about it really it would certainly help the likes of us feel less alone and inadequate


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thanks so much for the replies ladies K Jade, Ivy and Fertilityhawk.  It's comforting to know that others are feeling the same and we can support each other.  K Jade, yes it's horrible the feeling I get when a baby is mentioned.  I come over all nervous and shaky.  

Ivy, I hope your ivf goes well when it comes round.  I hate it when those people are are really overweight, unhealthy diets etc get pregnant so easily.  Very unfair. 

Fertilityhawk, we will be going through treatment at a similar time.  That must be so hard for you with 3 friends due at the same time.  It's so unfair that it's so easy for some and they don't have to go through all this.


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