# New to the board~Sorry so long



## Kristen (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi girls~

Lets see...where to start. Well, I have 2 yr. ds who is just perfect. We ttc with him a total of 2 months so he came fairly quickly. When he was 6 mo. old I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Soon after that I found out it was a "chemical pregnancy"...we were disappointed to say the least and if I heard one more time from family member that, "it wasn't meant to be" I was going to strangle someone.
We continued to try for another and found out in Aug. of 05 that we were pregnant again. Six weeks after that one morning, my pregnancy symptoms vanished and I started having what I thought were gas pains on my left side. I had never heard of an ectopic pregnancy before and really didn't think it could happen to me. After 2 days of this pain I knew in my gut something was wrong. Dh took me to the hospital and they did an ultrasound which didn't show anything in my uterus. I spent the night and the doc did a trans-vag ultrasound which showed the egg had implanted in my left tube. We were devestated. The doc wanted to know right then and there what we wanted to do.....surgery or methotrexate. I opted for the surgery. Long story short they took my left tube too. I was 6 wks. along.
My dh and I are now on our 14th cycle of ttc. Last month was my first round of clomid...turned out to be a bfn. I find myself really down right now...no-one in my family or friends seem to know what to say. My mom told me today that maybe my son is just meant to be an only child. If I am unable to give him a sibling I don't know how I'm going to handle the guilt. I grew up with a brother and always felt a "family" is 4 people. I'm so afraid he's going to be upset or lonely if he doesn't have a sibling. I don't want to let my little guy down. Oh and I am so sick of hearing, "just relax, forget about it and it will happen". Why do people say that?
Then I think, something must be wrong with me for god not giving us another child.
Maybe he doesn't think I'm that good of a mom. Sorry so long, just need someone to talk to and that will understand where I'm coming from. 
Onto my 2nd clomid cycle tomorrow.
Thanks for listening,
Kristen


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Hi Kristen,

I'm so sorry to read of everything that has happened to you.  Please don't think that you have done anything wrong to have all this, you haven't.

The phrases you have been getting are ones we hear all the time too, so you aren't alone.  Come and join us on the 2ndry IF daily messages, you will be able to get everything off your chest, and also have a laugh.  There is loads of support for you here.


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## bek (Feb 28, 2007)

hello
i feel for you too. it's so hard not to blame yourself. we are looking for reasons everywhere. i feel terrible about the sibling thing too. i have a sister and 2 brothers who play a big part in my life and i love them. i would love sonny to have that experience and it kills me when he asks sometimes if he could have a brother or sister. we're trying our best! xxx


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi kristen, sorry for your predicament, life is tough for some at times. i too want to smack someone next time they offer me doo gooder useless advice such as 'relax' or 'you should be eating....' GO AWAY, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT plus you can almost guarantee that they haven't ever experience fertility trouble (like us) or pregnancy loss (like you, and me, i had a mc before i had dd @ 9 wks). and like you, i too wonder sometimes if i am being punished for something i said or did or didn't do or am i not a good enough mother or does someone upstairs think i'll not be able to cope witha  second child. but i must admit, i do not agree with the fact that an only child suffers - i have a sister although do not like her and feel like an 'only' child plus my dd gets so much love and fun/attention from me, i really think that most children with a sibling NO WAY get so much time from their mothers as i know if i had another child i could not sit with mert on the sofa for hours mucking around or go for long drives to the beach etc so i try telling myself that although of course i would love for her to have a sibling but i do not think it the end of the world if i don't, harder for me than her. try to think of it like that (and yes, you can tell me to bog off!!). jox


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Kristen
Like the others have said I am so sorry to hear of your terrible experiences and so sympathise with some of what you have been through, like Kelway has said its very hard having a m/c and its even harder getting these inane insensitive comments from people who really don't know what they are talking about.  The pain of trying month after month and not getting a result and having to watch everyone else get they want is unbearable sometimes but coming on this web site has really helped and been a great place to let off steam and compare notes.  We are all in the same boat and luckily because its the 2ndry IF thread you don't feel like you are upsetting the girls who don't even have one but it does not mean the pain and longing is any less.  Anyway like Emily caitlin said come over to the secondary IF thread - we all try to write daily messages but it does not matter if you don't one a week or whenever you feel like a rant! anyway good luck and know there is plenty of love and cuddles and support on here.
look after yourself
take care
susie
ps agree with all your comments about God as well - I feel like he has sent me every possible experience in the book from divorce/bereavement/2nd marriage/birth/miscarriage and now IF as well as some nice things along the way!


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