# copeing with friends/ family get togethers



## Mariann (Apr 21, 2005)

Hi
I am going to a christening this weekend and know its going to be hard. There will be a party afterwards, which I have to go to. There will by lots of kids and 6 babies from 4wks old to 18 months there too. I know that a lot of the people there will be feeling sorry for us and I hate it. I hate to say this but I know I will feel isolated. Is there any one elas who feels the same way?
How do you cope with it?
I don't want our situation to affect our relationship with our friends, but i guess it cant be helped.
Most people going to this know about us, we made the decision to tell a few years back as we got sick of being asked when we were having kids or being told to hurry up as I wasn't getting any younger. I just hope no one tries to make me hold the babies.

Mariann


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## Sweet Pea (Mar 13, 2006)

Awe Mariann honey here is a hug for you for starters  

I know how hard it is and I know that just about everyone on this site has probably gone or going through the same thing.

About the Christening thing have you thought about making some excuse not to go to the party afterwards, after all you would have attended the most important part of the Christening.

Its funny how you asked about coping and you probably dont realise it but you ARE coping and by the sounds of it REALLY well.  

People take for granted the precious ability of having children and can be really insensitive towards others (all of us!) who struggle to conceive.  

We have all been there honey, listening to close friends go on and on and on about their children and it absolutely rips your insides apart.

Maybe if your friends and family are not giving you the support that you need why not try and distance yourself from them for a little while till you feel up to being around them.  We took the decision not to tell people apart from BIL,SIL and my Aunt as they are the only people we feel we can trust and will support us.  NONE of my immediate family know ANYTHING about this as I'm not close to them and they cannot be trusted.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you are not alone sweetie, we are all here for you anytime and try and stay around those people who will give you all the support you need.

Take care 
Luv and  
Sweetpea xxx


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## KittyH (Feb 3, 2006)

Hi Mariann,
I really feel for you. This is a toughie. I have to admit, if I was you I would probably have made my excuses. Like Sweet Pea, I haven't told many people and like you've experienced, you get the 'are you going to start a family soon' questions all the time. You're caught between a rock and a hard place in a way - if people don't know, they make insensitive comments and a lot of the time, even those that do know can be insensitive!
I absolutely dread any large social gatherings as I'm scared people will ask intrusive questions or 'put two and two together and make five' (not drinking = pg). My only defence mechanism is to have responses prepared and to quickly change the subject but I've pretty much stopped socialising except for things I can't get out of.  All I can say is that if you do distance yourself a bit, your true friends will stick by you. 
Be kind to yourself and maybe ask DH or a close friend to stick by you all the time so that they can support you / butt in if needsbe?
Good luck,
Kitty x


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## jazzyminky (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi Mariann

I just came on here today to qucikly check for updates on the thread that I usually post on before I zoom off on my hols but I just felt the urge to reply to you whilst I am here !

Great advice from Kitty and Sweetpea and I couldn't agree more. Please don't feel alone as we have all been there. I had a horrendous experience not so long ago when one of my best friends had been telling me how much trouble she had had TTC and I had spoken to her not long before a night out then when it got to the night out with the other girls she announced she was pregnant...she had had ample opportunity to say it to me on our own on the way to the resturant and whilst I was genuinely thrilled for her I felt like someone had crushed my heart with a rolling pin. I had to sit there and endure a whole night of the others talking about their babies and then reeling off all the girls that I had been to school with who were all expecting...half of them didn't even have DH's or DP's not that there is anything wrong with that but when can't give the one thing you want to give to the one you love most in the world it kind of strikes a cord.....anyway the point to my very long waffle is that you aren't alone and there are so many amazing women (and guys too) on this sight that we will be with you every step of the way so hang in there...you are amongst friends  

If it is any help at all, the whole world seemed to know about me and DH and we were getting asked every five minutes. A few months ago we decided to have a break from tx after 4 failed goes of IUI and although we will start again we have told everyone (expect my georgeous FF's ladies) that we have given up completely......well my goodness what a relief !! People no longer treat us like we are sick and they have even managed to talk to us about subjects other than babies....I can not recommend it highly enough, it has worked for us and given us the much needed break we needed from the constant question asking. In a strange way it makes you relax mentally too and I am finding it much easier at social events because I am really enjoying the kids now as everyone doesn't look at me with pity whenever I pick one up ( I might just slip one under my jumper one day and head for the door.....obviously kidding   !)

Anyway what ever you decide to do let us know and know that there is support here for you. 

Lots of love

Jazzy xxx


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## Mariann (Apr 21, 2005)

Hi
I just want to say thank you all for the advice and support. The christening was, in the end okay, had one family member ask me about babies, luckily one of my friends overherd and called me over. My DH had a harder time, he ended up feeding one of the 5 babies which were there, it was not his idea. It was a huge family and friends do. He did have a big drink when we got home and then went on the pc and played a shoot em up game for a few hours. Its over and we survived


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## Sweet Pea (Mar 13, 2006)

Hiya Mariann
Well done both of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bet your glad its over! and I'm really glad you both got through it ok.
Now anytime your feel down or just want a rant   you know where we all are  
Take care 
Luv and  
Sweetpea xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi there ,i dont post on this board anymore but felt a certain empathy with you-ttc the same amount of time(havent changed my profile yet!).

The year i was doing my iuis i couldnt face any christenings- we had 2 of dh's nieces!!! who had babies.He ended up going to the first with his dd (who lives with us)-i was going thru treatment and couldnt face it. He went to the second alone. I felt bad but at that time i felt my life was really falling apart and i know i would have been really upset and then he would have been upset at me being upset etc especially as he is very private.

I have a family gathering this weekend where the niece will be there and is pg AGAIN!!! We dont like her at the best of times and she is 6 mths so will be showing.I am not looking forward to it but at least i am a bit stronger and am actually going this time. My big test is still to come.My sister (only a year younger than me) got married 3 weeks ago. shes not particularly maternal but at 34 i know she will not want to waste time ttc. I am desperately trying to prepare myself for this as i cant exactly not go to this one if it happens. she will probably ask me to be godmother too!! I finally told her last year about my ttc journey and she is upset for me as she knows i was always the maternal one!!

Well done for going at all you brave girl!!! xxxx


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