# Quick update from Suitcase



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hello all,

I'm posting this as a separate thread because I don't think this sort of thing belongs on bumps and babes, and I didn't know where else to put it.

Just wanted to let you all know that I went to the local EPU this morning and they could not have been lovelier....which is a good job because I don't think I could have coped with anything less. 

Despite LWC yesterday saying they could still see a sac and faint heartbeat, today's scan showed nothing other than internal bleeding and definitely no embie/heartbeat. They think the quick disintegration from yesterday is probably because I have stopped the gestone. I was given the option of letting nature take its course, which the midwife thought would happen in the next few days anyway given the status from the scan. I know some women prefer to let things happen naturally but I know that I don't want to go through that, so I'm booked in for an ERPC tomorrow afternoon. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, what with general anaesthetic etc, but at least then I will be able to draw a line under this whole awful situation and try to move forwards. 

The hospital is very close to my mums, so I'll stay there for a day or two to recuperate, and I'm signed off work until the 20th so I have all next week to try to get back on track before I have to think about work again.

The worse thing is that I just can't stop crying. I've never had this before, at least not that I can remember, it's like an actual physical thing - I can't control it at all. I'm hoping this is just a short term reaction to a very stressful time and that it will stop soon -I can't go back to work if I can't stop crying. 

When I saw the GP yesterday, who was also much nicer than I remember - perhaps they only swing into really nice mode when they can see you're seriously upset (cried all the way through the appt), he said give it a week and if no improvement I'm to go back and discuss options. I don't really want anti depressants if I can help it, not because I think there's anything wrong with them per se, it's just I'd rather be able to deal with this myself....but let's see how next week goes. 

I know I can't have any further treatment until the new year, so between now and then I need to get things sorted to go to Reprofit for next cycle (just can't justify LWC prices anymore, plus I think it might be time for a change of consultant/protocol just to see if that helps), and I really need to get rid of some of this weight I've put on in the last 6 months with all the drugs, treatment etc. 
Right now it's very hard to be positive, I keep trying to think of nice things to look forward to and I can't...just keep thinking of it all relative to how pregnant I would have been....but again I guess that gets easier with time. 

Anyway, sorry for the very long me post, but I just wanted to give you an update as I won't be posting regularly for a while I don't think. Although I will try and keep in touch and read posts - I especially want news of Dottie and Winky's impending BFPs  

Once again, thank you all so much for your support. There really isn't anything anyone can say or do to make this hurt any less right now, I know I just have to give it time. But it means a lot to me that you are all there, so thank you,

Suitcase
x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Suity, thanks for updating us with your news. As Rose quite rightly says, please don't worry about crying - in a situation like this it's inevitable and a good, healthy way of dealing with your emotions. The crying will stop but in the meantime, you need to be very kind to yourself as you have been through so much over the last few months. I am really glad they were so kind at the EPU and have managed to organise your operation for tommorrow. I am also relieved to hear that you are going to stay with your mum for a few days - she will look after you, which is exactly what you need at the moment. 

I'm not sure what else to say but I just want you to know that I will be thinking about you tommorrow, 

Take care Suity  

Lots of Love
Kylecat xxx


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Suity

I am so sorry to hear your news.  

I am a firm believer of going with your emotions and so if you feel like crying then cry.  It is so much better to deal with it that to keep everything bottled up because we all have to deal with our emotions in the end.  The sadness will pass and you will then be able to turn your attention to getting fitter and stronger for next year.

I hope it all goes well tomorrow and I am glad that you are going to your mum's to recuperate.  Do let your mum be a mum and let her spoil you.

Sending you a hug for tomorrow. 

Love

Sima  xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suitcase, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this very tough time      . 

Thinking of you... 

Lou-Ann x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity            
I can't say much more than that apart from its ok to cry and its totally understandable.  take care of yourself.
R x x x x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Lauris - Ah  I am so sorry to hear your sad news, I have just logged on after a few days away.  So sorry no words of comfort can help you at the moment but just to let you know that we're all thinking  of you -  I can empathise with you as I lost my baby at 7 weeks and 6 days, it is so hard seeing them and a HB on scans and then not there.  I felt emotionally stronger when I had had the ERPC, but I waited for 2 weeks for it as I was planning work it was just before Xmas etc and probably was in denial, and this delay  could have caused the uterine damage that I have been left with. The ERPC is ok, it is like a hysterocopy, quick GA, then if you pee,eat and drink I was off home within 2 hours I never hang around long!! The nurse gave me incontience sheets for the bed etc, which scared me as I thought I'd be bleeding ++  flooding the place etc but I think she was being over cautious, I was going to the boys to recover, but in fact there was nothing heavier than a period that a pad couldn't cope with.  I had no physical pains at all.

What I do regret is that I never took up counselling till years later, it is hard going back to work and facing the real world, as everyone else's life has gone on as normal and yours has just fallen apart and will never be the same - and the trivial things at work just seem so immaterial.  Every so often when I do get upset I still cry for my angel baby in heaven, and I remember the anniversaries and my due date, as it will always be my baby and is special to me, I cherish my 4 scans as they are my only 'photos' I have, but the world goes on and no one else or few people know but that is ok.

I immediately wanted to cycle again, and 6 weeks later was having another full IVF cycle, but it was a bad move and then emotionally when it was a disaster with all immature eggs etc it was so hard.  The miscarriage association are helpful to some people I never contacted them, but they have candles etc that you can light online  There is also the pregnancy loss thread on here and there are some lovely girls on there that have all been through this. 

Take care hun and really hope that you are feeling brighter.

L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thank you everyone so much

And thanks JJ, I know that of everyone you know how hard this is. I'm hoping I will also feel a sense of closure after the ERPC - this has been a very long week indeed.....and I'm so grateful that the EPU were so good this morning and got everything sorted out really quickly for me

I'm going to take it easy next week and then see how I feel. I'm not sure about counselling because it's never really helped me in the past. But I'll see how I get on and if I think I need it, I'll go back to my GP and see if they can refer me somewhere (the LWC counsellor isn't worth the time/money in my opinion)

It's certainly going to be hard thinking about work and all the normal day to day things, especially as no one at work knows (they think I'm having a non specific minor operation - like a cyst or something) - but at the end of the day I'm going to have to find ways to cope and have to start somewhere.

Am looking into booking a holiday (use up some Air Miles and see some friends in the Far East) so hopefully that will help. And of course I know you are all here when I need you,

Suitcase
x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Suitcase

So so sorry   . I too would have made the decision you did and wouldn't have waited for things to happen naturally. 
After the shock of my adoption breakdown I had the same type of crying thing. Its ghastly and made me feel very out of control. I do believe it is your body and minds way of releasing the awful stress and emotion. It will pass and I was then left feeling utterly exhausted. And also unable to see the future as anything positive. I'm sure you'll take more time off than that if you need to. I just think you are going to feel very tired    

Always here xx


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Hello SoD,

I was in tears reading your post & JJ's - I cannot know what you are going through but I am here for you whenever.
I remember when my mum died I cried for weeks and just coudn't stop - felt completely out of control.  You are grieving quite simply.  I would recommend giving counselling a go but someone who specialises in what you have experienced.
do let your mum look after you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Take care honey. 
Love 
Dottie


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

You've been getting some very positive and loving messages and I think having read your posts (and received some) I can see why... you are a very supportive and positive influence on this site and everyone wants to reflect back that energy to you when you need it most...

Take care of yourself - allow yourself time to adjust and harness all the positive energy coming to you in order to help yourself move forward.

Love
Maya


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Suity  

Everyone has been very eloquent in their responses, all I can say is that I'm so sorry that you are having such a sad and hard time.  Take care of yourself grieving. As Maya says you are an incredibly supportive and positive person and I'm sure you will find the strength to carry on. A holiday sounds like a good idea, you need to do some nice things for yourself and give yourself some time.

      
xx


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity,   for what you are going through. I hope the procedure all goes ok & that you feel ok physically after it. I know emotionally will be a different matter and as the others say you need time to grieve. Counselling sounds like a very good idea if you're comfortable with that. 

You have always been hugely supportive to me and I wish I could send even half of the positive energy you send out back again. 

Thinking of you & sending lots of love and hugs to you,
Felix xx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

S of D - I hope the procedure goes ok today and that you are soon back at your mum's getting looked after.
the hurt of losing your precious miracle never goes away but it certainly gets easier with time.
Can't really add much to what the others have said already but just to know that we are all thinking of you and wish there was more we could do to take away your pain.

Roo xx


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hello Suity   


I think everyone else has already said it so eloquently but just wanted to echo that I am thinking of you today too and really hope everything goes as straightforwardly as possible in the circumstances.  I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling but it is so good (but not good ...if you know what I mean! ) that there are girls on here who have been through it before and can be a support at this time. 

I also agree that the crying is a necessary release and part of the natural grieving process ....I would be more worried if you weren't letting those emotions out at this stage. 

    

..Winky


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Thinking of you today Suity.

Take care

E


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## velvet (Oct 6, 2008)

hi suitcase! literaly this is the other hugh to complete an arroun the globe one for you
I´m also thinking of you. I can imagine you are tired but we all know that we are going to be strong enough to keep fighting for our dreams.
just a hint so you migh be see some light... you are just 38! you have some more time to have a geogeous baby! 
xoxoxo


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## Vix241 (Aug 17, 2008)

Oh Suity, What sad news. 

Good luck with the proceedure honey. I'll be thinking of you. 

Buckets of love

Vix


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Suitcase 

Thinking of you lots.  Hope the ERPC went ok today and that you get plenty of TLC from your Mum.

Don't worry about crying, you are grieving and you need to let some of the emotion out.  I don't know if you will be interested but I wanted to mention a radio programme that I heard the end of yesterday about miscarriage (Radio 4 'Am I Normal 4.30-5.00 8th October) in case you want to listen to it - you can listen again months after broadcast online.  Like I said I only heard the last few minutes, but it seemed like it could be really helpful.  They were talking about miscarriage grief being difficult because so often the people around you don't know what you are going through.  The Miscarriage Association was mentioned as a really good source of information and support in dealing with the emotional side of a miscarriage - perhaps they could be an alternative to counselling for you.

It must be so tough for you with the other BFPs that happened at the same time as yours, I really feel for how tough it must be (and will continue to be) for you watching the others' pregnancies progress.  We are all here for you if there is anything we can do to help    Hoping with all my heart that you are in a very different place from this next year at this time.

Some1

xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Was thinking of you today - I'm sure we all were


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

SoD - Was also thinking about you today. Not sure if you're logging on or having some time out but I am always here and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Look after yourself honey
Dxx


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## princess-mimi (Aug 26, 2006)

thinking of you today hun 

  take care

  Kimberley x x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I hope today went as smoothly as possible for you hun
Thinking of you
L x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, hope that the procedure went as okay as possible   

Thinking of you ....  

Lou-Ann x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hope today went ok and you are now getting some much needed tlc from your mum.


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Suitcase

I am so sorry to hear your dreadfully sad news , I am thinking of you hunny and sending you great big bear hugs. It isn't that long ago I suffered a m/c and I can totally empathise nothing can prepare you for the pain, I know. Please don't give yourself a hard time for crying, you are grieving and it is actually very healthy. From the day I found out I would m/c I started crying and to be honest that didn't stop for a whole month (I didn't think that was physically possible)but it had to come out and now I think I am stronger and ready to take this rollercoaster ride again and you will feel the same too babes, so take care and be kind to yourself. For me a lot of sleep helped, your body is probably physically and emotionally exhausted so rest up hunny (If your not sleeping consider getting some sleeping tablets I had them for the first two weeks after) Once you get rested you feel stronger and you are better equipped to deal with the emotions - I'm with you in spirit.

     

Love & Hugs
Full MoonXXXXX


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity - Thnking of you x x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

All,

I can't thank you enough for your words and thoughts. I feel truly blessed to have such an amazingly supportive group of women there for me. 

All went smoothly yesterday, I didn't get into theatre until 4.15pm (having arrived at the hospital at 12.30) but once I was in it all went very quickly and I was back on the ward before 5pm. I seem to be lucky in my response to general anaesthetic - I was sitting up, eating, drinking and reading my book within 15 mins of coming out of theatre. The girl opposite me who went down around the same time was still asleep when I left the hospital at 6.30pm....
I had a few pains and some bleeding last night but this morning it all seems to have settled so hopefully that's it all sorted from a physical perspective at least. 

I don't really know what to do with myself now though, that's the problem. Nothing seems to hold very much appeal. I'm staying with my mum again today/tonight since I'm not supposed to drive today, but I'll probably go home tomorrow. For the past week all I've done is sleep, cry, watch TV and re-read books in an attempt to not think about what's been happening. I'm used to being busy, on the go, always doing something, but I've completely lost all enthusiasm for doing anything and I feel a bit at a loss. 

I've got the week off work next week but to be honest I'm not really sure what to do with it. I don't want to go to work because I can't bring myself to care about mobile phones....but I can't stay at home all week or I'll go mad. I think I'll go and stay with my sister and the kids for a few days. There's nothing like 3 little ones to keep you busy and they always cheer me up. I've also planned a long weekend with my oldest schoolfriend up in Derbyshire in a couple of weeks time. And I'm well on the way to booking 2 weeks in Asia in late November to visit friends. But it's as if I'm just going through the motions, I don't feel particularly excited or even interested in any of those things, I just know that I have to do things because I can't sit and do nothing. 

I know that I won't always feel like this, well at least I hope not, but it's pretty hard just getting through the days at the moment. I keep looking at the clock and calculating how many hours until I can go to bed so I don't have to think about it all anymore

But, worse things have happened, thousands of women go through this every year and they all come through the other side, I know I've just got to be a bit patient and let my emotions do their thing. 

Thank you all again so so much for everything, I'll keep you all updated, 
Suitcase
x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, glad that everything went as well as it could have  .  Be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal. Hope that spending time with your family and friends helps to pre-occupy your mind, and that you are soon feeling strong again  

Lou-Ann x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Hi Suity, glad to hear all went smoothly and quickly yesterday and you were able to go home in a few hours. It's good to hear you are staying with your mum who can look after you. I think the idea of going to stay with your sister is a good one - little children keep you so busy and will take your mind off things for a while. 

I think you are being so brave  

Take care over the next few days, 

Love
Kylecat xxx


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

take care suity, glad to hear it went as smoothly as possible.  let yourself be looked after for a bit - you need it and deserve it. lots of  

you are amazingly strong when its obviously such a hard time.
xx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity - thinking of you.
Take care x x x


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi Suity

Thinking of you and sending loads of   to help you through ... take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.

Best wishes
Maya


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Take care and take it easy.
L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks everyone. Please don't feel you have to respond to this thread, I guess it's just quite cathartic for me to be able to get my feelings out somewhere. 

Yesterday I was doing Ok just resting at my mums, went for a couple of short walks, watched some daytime TV (a rare treat usually...), ate comfort food etc. My sister popped over after school and I was quite happily chatting to her. 

And then this morning I woke up and I just thought what is the point? I don't have anything to look forward to, the days just feel like they are stretching ahead and I'm just getting through them and counting the hours until I can go to bed and sleep because then I don't have to think about anything. I just don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to do anything or see anyone, but at the same time, I don't want to be on my own

I just feel completely lost and empty


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

I can so relate to the empty and lost feeling.  We all have a vision of how we want our lives to be but it just seems so unattainable. Not that single motherhood was my first choice.  It just feels so unfair that having agonised over my decision to do this alone and making huge compromises on the ideal 'dream', I still can't seem to get there.  A bit of a double wammy if you know what I mean.
I too am at the 'what's the point' stage. Trying to find something to look forward to but it's all a bit blurred at the moment. 

Suity - you are in a different place to me.  You need to grieve and your body needs to recover.  Sleep is restorative so do as much as you can.  I don't think it's a great idea to spend too much time on your own at this stage - having distractions will help.
      

Dx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Dottie - that's exactly it. For a few brief weeks I allowed myself to believe that I might actually have a different future - the one which I really want (well, the one which I really want has the husband/loving partner in it as well but you know what I mean) - and now that possibility has gone again and I'm finding it very difficult to face 

I feel tired all day but I can't sleep properly at night. I want to sleep because then I don't have to think about things, but I keep waking up in the early hours and can't get back to sleep. 
I just want to be able to jump ahead 2 or 3 months and have this all behind me, it's just too difficult to be dealing with right now. 

I will go to my sisters on Tuesday (need to be here Monday for fire alarm people coming to fit new alarm) for a few days. I know that will be a good distraction - it's hard to be sad when you have 2 toddlers clamouring for your attention. And I have a friend (who had had 2 miscarriages herself before having her little boy in May this year so she knows how hard it is) coming for lunch tomorrow. 
So I'm not alone, I'm just finding it hard to be around people at the moment - there's just nothing anyone can say to make it better and all other conversation just seems so insignificant...

I guess there are going to be good days and bad days for some time to come. Today seems to be a bad day so I think I'll just give in to it

Dottie - I really wanted it to be your time this time round and I'm so sad for you. I know it's not the same as what I'm going through, but the feeling of loss is pretty similar, so big     back to you. Let's hope we're both able to find a way forward soon,

Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suity- I really hope that the seeing your sister and friend helps cheer you up.  Remember that you have taken a huge hit physically and emotionally it is so natural to experience the feelings you are going through.  I know what you mean about starting to imagine a different future and what could and should have been, but try and take each day as it comes and do keep your dream as it will happen one day.

Did you ask the hospital to test the baby to find out why this happened?  They don't routinely do it until 3 m/c's, my mission was then to find out why this had happened and do everything to prevent it happening again. Hence I went to see Mr ******* - a miscarriage expert, if you google miscarriage clinic his website comes up.

L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

JJ - no, I didn't ask for tests. I don't think they would have done them anyway....not for first time miscarriage. Consultant at clinic said it was just unlucky and shouldn't have any bearing on my ability to get/stay pregnant next time

To be honest (and I'm probably even more bitter and cynical than usual at the moment...) I find it difficult to have any faith in any of the doctors/clinics/consultants at the moment - none of them seem to have any real answers. LWC just keeps telling me to keep trying and it will happen and there is no reason why not (despite 3 IUI, 2 fresh IVF and now this failed pregnancy from FET) - which the cynical me thinks is because they just want to keep taking my money. They say no need for further tests, no need to change protocol etc, just keep trying. 
Well, I shall be changing clinic at least - I can't help but feel that they don't try hard enough to treat the individual and instead keep going with the same tx regardless....but as I say, I may just be feeling particularly angry and cynical at the moment

I think what started out as pure grief is already turning to grief mixed with anger (which I know is completely natural), I just feel so angry that this happened to me, why do I deserve this more than anyone else? I mean noone deserves this, but why me? I know that there aren't any answers and that I'm just going to have to accept that it has happened and move on, but for now I'm just feeling very very angry and very sad and I'm not sure how I can find anything positive to hold on to

Sorry everyone, I know this is a thoroughly depressing thread, but it is helping me to write it down, so bear with me - hopefully I'll find a way back to positive thinking before too long,

Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

Its not fair that its happening to you, its rubbish and you have every right to feel very sad.  Its hard to remain positive all the time, and keep picking yourself up after each disappointment.  Write away, its good to air how you're feeling, I know thats what I find useful here and I've not even got going yet! I'm sure that everyone wants to support you in whatever way we can...so please don't apologise for how you are feeling.

Have you tried CREATE in wimbledon and on harley street, a friend has just started going there and they seem much more focussed on the individual and are interested in less drug focussed IVF, their success rates seem good too. Maybe you have already researched this anyway, and Reprofit sounds like a good option.

Hope you get some sleep.

xx


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

I did PM you a really long reply but I don't think it worked as the session timed out and went blank    
I really hope you are ok and you  are always in my thoughts hunny   I can totally relate to your anger and in some ways I am still feeling that after my m/c. I am currently injecting stimms for my first IUI and my first try since the m/c and every time I have to jab that needle into my leg I want to cry and shout and scream IT JUST ISNT FAIR THAT I HAVE TO DO THIS AND GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!!!!  JUST NOOOOOT FAIR!!!!! But you know you just have to do it again if we want to fulfill our dreams of being a mommy but you can't think about trying again until you are ready and your body will tell you when. Even though you feel it is a million miles from here and now.

Please remember that you are grieving and don't give yourself a hard time hunny it will get easier as you heal but I know that is hard to accept right now especially when you are tired from lack of sleep (I was exactly the same) you are not alone babe.

Take care and try and rest up as much as possible, I believe we will get there in the end even if we have to drag each other through it we will make it   

Love and bear hugs 
  
FMXXXXXXXX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks girls

FM - I would start trying again tomorrow if I could. I know it's not going to be easy starting injections again (especially as I was injecting clexane and gestone all the way to the 8 weeks until the ERPC....) but at the same time, I just want to be doing something.

I know I've got to wait for my body to settle down, and emotionally it's probably not a good idea to start straight away, but if I could, I would. 

I've been in touch with Reprofit and they are happy with Jan/Feb (depending on when AF comes back) so will just have to focus on that and spend the time inbetween getting as fit and ready as possible
At the moment though I'm just trying to get through the days - I just don't know what to do with myself because nothing gives me any pleasure, it's just marking time
I'm hoping spending some time with neices and nephew later in the week will help, if anyone can make me smile it's them....

Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suitcase- the 'why me' and ''what have I done to deserve this' is so natural, I have these thoughts all the time-I say this to my donor's partner 'It'll only happen when I deserve it' but he tries to set me straight with the 'deserving' debate, but I know in my 'crazy brain' this thought reoccurs.

I also think that if a clinic is not prepared to change anything then it is time to change them, and to be honest what else could LWC do they do stright forward IVF cycles, so in my personal opinion have no room to change or manouvre their protocols from LP or SP, and it appears more standardised not individualised, as many clinics do, like the Bridge where I was. Saying that I do know friends who have babies care of LWC, although her partner then went to Create for mild IVF and is due soon, and I know people on the London FF group with twins from Create.

I know I wasn't prepared to accept 'it is one of those things' as things happen for a reason this is the 21st century and sceintists/medics can and should know why things happen, I was not willing to wait for investiagtions after 2 more mc's like the NHS expect, hence started my own research and cobbled together my own treatment programme taking bits from clinics in the UK x4, USA and now Spain.  As one of the girls on the immune thread says 'it is great if you know there is a definite problem as then you know how you can treat it- she went to New York and had the controverisal tests by Dr Toth after 4 mc's).  

I must say when I cycled and ever since it has been filled with fear, hopes and expectations. The next time I cycled my thing was that as I had got pregnant I fully believed that I would get pregnant again and the miscarriage would be my biggest battle but how wrong I was! My next BFN was the emotional crushing time for me and when I came crushing down 6 weeks after the mc.  Any if I heard 'Well at least you know you can get pregnant 'once more I wanted to scream back 'but my baby is dead I don't want to be pregnant again I want my baby back'! I am not religious or catholic, but I do go and light candles if I pass a church from time to time for my baby.

It sounds like Reprofit are positive and Stephan has a good reputation.

I really hope the time with your neices and nephews helps, and they will cheer you up.  Take care hun.

L x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and that I hope going to your sisters helps. 
       
Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks JJ and Felix. I am having a slightly better day today. I've been for a long walk, booked the last part of my Hong Kong - Manila - Singapore holiday, ordered some Zita West vitamins (so I don't have to keep buying all the different ones), cleaned the flat and been to Tesco to buy only healthy food. 

I know I'm still going to have lots of bad days (and I've still had a few tears today) but I think the main thing is to try to focus on next steps as this will make me feel better that I am doing something proactive

What I am most scared of is that it will take another 6 tx to get pregnant again (that's what it took this time) and I'm not sure I could cope with that. But trying to put that to the back of my mind and do what I can to maximise my chances next time

Suitcase
x


----------



## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Glad you are feeling a little better today,  that is what scares me too that it will take forever to get pregnant again and then I worry that if / when that happens that I will go through the same ordeal and will be back to square one again.I have also had the 'why me?' conversations with myself and even now sometimes think why am I bothering to carry on as I will never fulfil my dream.

It does get easier given time and as you can see form others on FF that many go on to have successful pregnancies after loss.

Your trip to Asia sounds fantastic - I am very jealous and somwhere I have always wanted to visit.

Take care of yourself and enjoy spending time with your family.

roo xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Roo - it's like my friend (who had 2 miscarriages before giving birth to a little boy in May) says - you become a member of a club that no one wants to join, where you are terrified of never getting pregnant again, and terrified that if you do, you'll lose it again. And there's nothing you can do - once you've joined this club, you're a member for life. 

I guess we just have to focus on the positive as you say - all the people who have gone on to have success after loss. It's hard though isn't it. Let's hope we both have better luck next time 

You take care too,
Suitcase
x


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

So pleased that you had a brighter day.  I think the thing that keeps me going, and I am a few yrs older than you Suity is that I don't want to be 50 and childless and thinking 'if only I had tried once more I wonder what could have been?' as it won't be a realistic option, as then you are into the realms of searching the world for clinics who will treat the over 50's etc and I want to be young enough to enjoy my baby and do things with them and not retired when they are still at school!  Friends of mine who didn't start until 44 set themselves a target of 3 cycles to do and then gave up.  It is individual but hard to stop.
L


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Well, I'm just back from a few days at my sisters, which was both good and bad. I love spending time with my nieces and nephew and there's certainly not too much time to dwell on things when you've 3 little ones to run around after...

I spent a lot of time with my newest niece who is just 11 weeks old and so beautiful - my sister was brilliant and totally let me do everything for her (she's not breast feeding so I did all the feeds etc) - so lovely but so bittersweet because every time I looked down at her it just made me so sad that it could have been me in May next year. And I just kept thinking what if she is as close as I get and I never get to experience it all with my own baby? What if that was my only chance?

So having been relatively positive this week, I cried all the way home and now I can't sleep because I just feel so sad. I suppose it was too much to hope that I could 'get over it' this easily. Got lulled into thinking I was OK because I had a few good days, but now I realise I'm not OK at all. 

Really don't want to have to go to work next week. No one there knows which means I'm going to have to pretend that I'm fine and the 'minor op' was nothing serious - and although on the one hand it might be good to have the distraction, on the other hand it's such an effort to pretend you're OK when you're not. And I just don't care about work at all. I'm tired of it and I have been for ages. One of the best things about getting pregnant was knowing I would be able to take some time off work, and knowing that work would not be the one big thing in my life any more. And now that's gone and I'm stuck with work again. I just can't seem to get any enthusiasm for it, but because no one at work knows about all this, I have to pretend that everything is fantastic and I'm my usual dedicated ambitious self (that's what they all think because I'm single and have no kids they just assume that I'm in love with my job....they couldn't  be more wrong...)

Sorry this has turned into a rant again, I was so hoping that the good start to the week meant that I was over the worst, but now I'm not sure that I am. I just feel so angry, and everything feels so utterly pointless at the moment  

Suitcase
x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity, my heart goes out to you. It must have been lovely spending time with your new niece but that's a lot to put yourself through emotionally after what's happened. 

I wonder if you might consider asking your doc for another sick note. You could maybe take yourself off for a bit of pampering and general tlc rather than throwing yourself back to work quite yet. Just a thought. 

Thinking of you & sending you lots of 

Felix xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Huge huge   L xxx


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

lots of   suity, wish there was something I could do to make it better.

xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, so sorry to hear that you are having a bad time after what seems like a few good-ish days with your sister, your nieces and nephew. It will take time, but you will get there. Thinking of you      

Lou-Ann x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suity

Sorry to hear you are struggling again you are in my thoughts hun and I'm sending you GREAT BIG BEAR HUGS    I really do sympathise & often the things you share just mirror what I used to be like and sometimes still feel. You will have good and bad days hunny, just take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself  

I agree that if you are not ready to go back to work you shouldn't, I know I wasn't ready and had extended sick leave due to 'further complications and an infection' and they were non the wiser that I was telling porkies. I just couldn't trust myself not to cry all day everyday at work so I stayed away until I felt stronger, my boss wasn't too happy but never said anything and I am so pleased I did it - but everyone is different like Lou said she needed work to focus on - Have a think hunny  

We are all here for you 

 
Love FMxx


----------



## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Hi Suity

I do so know what you mean.  People think that because you're single & no kids then you must just be driven by your career.  It is hard when we are screaming inside.
I realise everyone is different and my bfn is not in the same league as your loss but I found going back to work exactly what I needed.  Whilst I really wanted to pull the duvet over my head & stay in bed, work has been really manic and therefore a really good distraction.  Although Suity I can completely relate to feeling so much less motivated & interested than maybe I have been in the past.
It really is your choice but personally I have found it therapeutic.
I do hope you are feeling more positive soon.
Big, big hugs
Dottie
xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I really hope that going back to work isn't too awful. I found it helpful getting back into the normal routine, and in fact didn't have any sick time off after my ERPC as it was Xmas time so the usual holidays etc.  A few people close to me at work knew about it, and also my donors partner works in the same building if I did have a wobble I had a safety net.

Take care thinking of you
L x


----------



## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hello Suity and others, 

I so feel for you and what you are going thru.  Could you have a phased return to work (perhaps a couple of short weeks) to help you out a bit?  I can imagine it does feel overfacing to go straight back and having to act like nothing too major has happened.  I think it has been said before but I do believe the healthiest way to grieve is to balance distracting activities with enough solitude to allow those emotions to release.  Too much distraction and you end up in denial....too much solitude you end up in depression.  Easy said than done I know. I know it is terrible for anyone having TTC problems and losing a child.  But I think it is even harder as single women going thru all of this because however much we have supportive friends and family the loss is not an equal share. We have to believe we will get the family we want....and why should we not.  I sometimes think that if I was in a loving secure relationship then I would cope better with being childless but the thought of being single and being childless is too much too bear.  Heck ...I'm depressing myself typing this....so I'll shut up now!  I just want you to know that we are all here for you....and things will get easier with time. 

..Winky


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks everyone....

I went back to work today. I don't think staying off work any longer is the answer for me - would just make it even harder to go back. There are 2 people at work who know the whole story, so I had a long chat over coffee with one of them this morning which helped because at least I felt I didn't have to pretend with everyone. With all the others I'm just playing the 'fully recovered and everything's back to normal' game, even though inside I just want to shout that it's not normal and I'm not really alright....

The beauty of my job is that I can work from home pretty much whenever I want, so I'll be at home tomorrow and Weds, Thurs I have an all day workshop, and then Friday I'm taking a half day holiday and going up to Derbyshire for the weekend to stay with my oldest friend from school. So it's an easy first week back and I'm sure it will be fine. And being at work is a good distraction, it's round about now which is the worst time actually - just before bedtime when I'm too tired to do anything, but not tired enough to sleep - meaning too much time to think...

On which note I'm going to bed to try and sleep rather than do any more thinking...

Suitcase
x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi Suity 

I'm glad that going back to work is a good distraction for you and that you are able to 'talk' to the people that know about what you have been through, without pretending that everything is ok. Its also good that you are able to ease yourself back into it by being able to work from home. 

Going up to visit your friend sounds like a good idea too. 

Take care... 

Lou-Ann x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Take care honey x x


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Suity....


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Suity - I hope that work is going ok this week and is proving a good distraction. Glad you can take it easy and work form home a little too,


Roo x


----------



## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Hi Suity,
Glad work is a bit of a distraction and visit to friend sounds good. Thinking of you.

Muddy x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hope you are having a fantastic weekend in Derbyshire Suity.  Thinking of you. 

Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Dear all,

Thank you for your continued messages of support. I'm doing OK. Had a lovely weekend in Derbyshire with my friend - very relaxing. My sister has another appt at Gt Ormond St on Thurs for my niece's cochlear implant assessment so will be taking the day off and looking after the other two whilst she's there so that will break up this week at work. I'm getting on OK with work - it does take my mind off things although I'm finding it hard to really get interested in it - but I'm managing to put on a good show (at least I think so anyway!)

Still very angry that this has happened to me, perhaps anger is the next step after sadness. Not sure how to get rid of that anger, just want to get on and try again and put this behind me but can't do that until next year. Keep wondering why it has to be so hard -it's not too much to ask for is it, to have a healthy baby?

Anyway, just wanted to update and also to say that I am reading and sending all of you currently having tx the very best of luck. I'm not posting much - just a bit too much for me still, but am very much thinking of you all,

Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Dear Suitcase

Good to hear you had a lovely relaxing weekend, and getting on with work, although I'm not surprised you're not as interested in it, it pales into insignificant in the grand scheme of life does it.  I'm sure feeling angry is a very natural reaction, after all it is unfair that its so hard for you - you aren't asking for anything that most people want or are able to have.  However, I am sure that you will one day have a lovely baby.  Bring on 2009, so you can get going again...it has to be your year.  

Sending big  

xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

hmm spoke too soon about coping ok. Just found out another friend is pregnant and want to go and cry but am at work so cant. Why can everyone else get and stay pregnant and I cannot? Life is really crap at the moment. Suitcase x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Huge   Suity! Getting that sort of news out of the blue must have been horrible.  Hope you can get out by yourself over lunch for a bit.

Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi,

Glad you had a good weekend and that you are starting to get back to normal life again. The reactions you are having are normal and essential in order for you to move on and get your strength back again. I'm sorry that your friends news has hit you hard again, it will happen but will get easier again given time. I know that doesn't help at the moment, but you just need to keep that dream alive that you will be a mummy to a gorgeous healthy baby soon.

I know exactly where you are coming from with the crap life - i just wish I could take some of my own advice  - but it is so hard i know.

Hope your neices appt goes well on thursday and not too painful playing the loving auntie on Thurs

Take care and look after yourself.

Roo xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, glad that you had a good weekend with your friend and that work is still proving to be a distraction for you. 

Sorry that your friends news has hit you hard, life does seem to be unfair when you want something so much and are struggling to get it, yet for other people it just happens. As Roo said, keep the dream alive, you will get there, you will have a gorgeous healthy baby and you will make a great mom     

Hope your niece gets on okay on Thursday   

Thinking of you....... 

Lou-Ann x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks girls

Roo - if only we could take our own advice! So much easier to give it than take it though isn't it? Hope you are doing OK and get some answers from the clinic/extra tests soon

I'm OK, to be honest I'm trying not to think about it all. Not in a denial kind of way, but there's just no point dwelling on it as it won't change anything. I'm finding the best way is simply to get on with the other things in my life (mostly work at the moment but at least holiday coming up soon too) and to try not to keep going over it again and again. So far this approach is moderately successful although it doesn't take much (eg friend's pregnancy announcement) to make me feel awful again

Mainly just hoping my AF returns soon so I can at least plan next steps - I feel totally in limbo at the moment...

Thanks also for the good wishes for my niece - she has had all her assessment appointments now so they will wait for the team at Gt Ormond St to decide whether she is a suitable candidate for the cochlear implant. Not sure when that will be, she still has to have an MRI which is early December, so maybe not until afterwards. My sister is keen to get the operation done now before she starts school next year - her condition is progressive so it's pretty much inevitable that she will need the implant sooner or later...but let's see what the hospital think.
Meanwhile my nephew is now starting similar process - he's currently got no hearing at all, although it may come back (another symptom of this condition is that hearing fluctuates/comes and goes) - so another round of hospital appts etc. Don't know how my sister manages it all...

Still, what with work and helping my sister out at least it keeps me busy and my mind off all this ttc stuff which can only be a good thing at the moment

Suitcase
x


----------



## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

Just wanted to check you got my PM back?? It was a bit long so not sure it went as rather big message. If not don't worry I can send again.

BIG HUGS HUNNY 

Love FM XXX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Feeling very flat this afternoon although can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps it's unrealistic to expect that I'll feel fine as time goes by, do you ever feel truly fine again after something like this happens? A friend of mine who had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and then an awful 12 wk scan with no HB, and who now has a lovely 4 month old son, tells me she still thinks about the other 2 all the time - I guess it never leaves you. 

This Thursday will be 4 weeks since the ERPC - needless to say no sign of AF yet but again, probably unrealistic to expect it yet. No doubt will turn up slap bang in the middle of my holiday....

Been trying to get back into the exercise and healthy eating, and to plan lots of good things to look forward to, but it's very hard. I just want to be getting on with ttc again and I can't until AF comes back and I can start to work out timings so I feel totally in limbo. In my lowest moments I can't help but think it's just not going to happen for me and I don't know how I am going to face a life without children. Back in January when I had my first IUI, I truly believed I would be pregnant by the end of the year, if not already with a baby. And now it just seems like an impossible dream. 

I don't want to go through another year like this one, obsessing about cycles, drugs, what to eat/not to eat, what vitamins to take/not to take, lying to my colleagues and managers about where I am when I'm at the clinic, it's just so utterly tiring and draining and I don't know if I can do it. But if I don't, the alternative is worse

I really thought I was starting to feel better, I have no idea why I feel so crap today - just kind of came on me really suddenly as if from nowhere

This is just so not how I want my life to be but I just can't see a way to change it. If you hate your job, you get a new one, if you hate where you live, you move, if you don't like your looks, you get a make over, friends not supportive - make new ones, bored and in a rut, take up a hobby....but what do you do when the one thing you really want you have no control over how to make it happen?

Not a good day for me today, let's hope tomorrow is better...
Suitcase
x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

I know where you are coming from and you will have good days and bad days and with time (that old chestnut again   ) you will have more good days than bad.

As for the hurt and pain ever leaving you I'm not sure it ever will - I think about my 2 lost chances often and have the due dates etched on my brain - not sure how I will be when those days come around. I will have reminders too of ppl both on and off FF that will be due around the same times.
I have had 2 years obsessing about cycles, scans, drugs etc and am also getting tired of it - why can't it be easy like it appears to be for everyone around me ??  

Good on you for trying to get back on track with healthy eating - I want to but still at the stage of excuses at the moment, will get there soon i hope  

I doubt I have helped you here at all but thought it might help to  let you know that I understand and am going through the same thoughts etc as you are

Roo xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Roo, I know I'm not alone in this (although in some ways I wish I was because that would mean there were fewer other people having to go through it...)

I've already been having more good than bad days, which is why I think I was caught a bit unawares by a bad day today, especially as nothing really triggered it...

I never really had a 'due date' as such, although I think it was somewhere around mid May - basically it will be the same day or thereabouts as Muddy, Chowy and Patterdale so it's not as if I'm going to be able to forget....so hard isn't it? Of course I'm so happy for all our FF'rs who are successfully pregnant and all my friends out there in the 'real' world too, but it's difficult not to feel overwhelmingly sorry for myself and angry that I can't be like them too

Anyway, as you say, just a bad day, it will pass....
Huge  to you too, 
Suitcase
x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity       . Thinking of you, hope you are feeling a little better tomorrow  .

Roo,   to you too  

Lou-Ann x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

suity      
Take care
R x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hey Suity and Roo ..just wanted to send big    

I know it must be really really hard and as you both know keeping busy helps fill the time but the memories and feeling still find a way back in. 

Let's face it .....it's all around us.  I've even just seen a very pregnant Mel C on TV.....the last of the Spice Girls to have a baby! 

I think the approach to Xmas and the end of the year can be a tough one too.  Lots of milestones and for me another birthday which doesn't help. I've made the decision to go away over xmas with a couple of friends.  I am very aware that about 10 days before xmas I will have found out I'm pregnant or that I'm not!  If it's the latter, then doing the same old same old at Xmas will be intolerable because I'll just keep focussing on how life has not moved forward in the last year.  If I am pregnant (which of course i will be!!) then it will be far too early to be announcing it and I will still be very early days so that would be weird too.  Decided the best thing is to do something completely different and get away for a break. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say I am sending    

..Winky


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity and Roo,     for what you're going through.  Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish I could do more than sending a virtual  

Love Felix xx


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Suity hon -   
I think you will continue to have good & bad days but at least as you say the former now outweigh the latter. As you've still not had a period then I'm sure hormones are playing a part in your emotions too.  
Like you I had thought when I started a year ago that I would be able to hold my baby in my arms this xmas and am a little tired of it all as you so eloquently say.  I'm finding it hard to feel any positivity about my upcoming tx as am convinced this will never work for me.  sorry - this probably isn't making you feel any better! Just know that you're not alone - we need to continue to support each other through the bad days.

Winky - I too will have just found out if pg or not 2 weeks before xmas and am worried how I will feel,  I normally get quite depressed around xmas time as spend time with family and it always brings it home to me what's missing in my life. I think you have a good plan to go away.

Let's think positively....although finding it seriously hard.

Dx


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suity so sorry that you are feeling down but it is so normal  . I found out that my baby had died at my 1500 hrs scan on 4 Dec 2006, I was in denial I went back to work and lead an inspection and worked for the next 10 days wiht my baby inside, also drove to the North of England to see my Mum who didn't know about my TTC - never really thought what would happen if I had started to mc naturally.  Although time has helped and I don't cry all the time anymore, the tears can start when I least expect but I don't think I would be human if I never cried.  It has changed my life, it will never be the same again, as the fear of mc is a stark reality for me now (even though the odds for women of my age TTC normally mc rates are high as well).  

I also get some comfort in that I am a mummy to angel baby and always will be, and who knows what happens after death but maybe we'll meet. I had worked out my EDD the day I got a positive test from the online IVF calculators, and this is hard, as I do something on my EDD and the day the baby died to remember them by so their life wasn't in vain and was a significant event for us. Due dates are hard as it is about what should have been, and especially so when others have their babies and you would have had yours, you are happy for them and their birth but it does bring your loss back.  

I was also desperate to get back on the TTC wagon and just be pregnant again, I was cycling 6 weeks later, but it was so much harder getting 3 negatives and numerous hiccups since.

Suity I really hope that tomorrow is a brighter day, I realised that i was getting better as I would count how many days it was since I hadn't cried, and gradually it got longer and longer.

Roo-  love to you too hun

Xmas is a hard time although I find New Year more depressing - this year I will go to the boys for Xmas, its also my donors partner's birthday on Xmas Day-and every year I say 'Maybe next year we'll have a baby here'  and we are in our 4th yr of ttc.

L x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Suity & Roo - I really do not know what to say so I am sending you both    .

I hope tomorrow is a better day than today.

Sima x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

needed all round I think...wish there was more and i could fix it for all of us...it's hard to keep going, but you will even though its tough.  You are all amazing.   

xx


----------



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks girls, I think I was just having a bad day as have been better since...no doubt these ups and downs are normal

Well, today I have spotting and AF pains so looks like AF has returned almost exactly 4 weeks after ERPC. Hopefully this means my body has not been too badly affected by everything, I was a bit worried things would be off for a while...
On the down side, this rules out any tx in December (had been thinking I might try for some of FM's luck and sneak in an IUI whilst waiting for next IVF) because dates will clash with Xmas and I simply can't be dealing with the stress of timing etc and clinic opening hours over Xmas

So it's Reprofit in January. Based on current estimates, will be out there towards the end of the month/early Feb which still seems a long way off but will no doubt come round quite quickly

Just got to decide about the sperm now...ID release from ESB, or the good old anonymous Czech stuff....was sure I wanted ID release when I was having tx in UK, but now starting to think it's not as relevant any more....difficult decision....or perhaps I just need to learn to think less and get on with it  

Suitcase
x


----------



## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

That is great news AF has arrived, its the next step of moving on    I think you should go for it if you can!!!!! Sending you masses of luck hunny      

Roo hope you are ok, big hugs too   

Love FX XXXX


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, glad that AF has shown up and you can plan the next stages of your tx. All the best  

Lou-Ann x


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Suity - glad AF has eventually shown up.  Now you can get on & plan which I think is always a good thing.

big hugs
Dxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

suity glad that AF came on time, enjoy Xmas and NY and then 2009 start planning for the baby- that is what I am doing as again I think I would clash with Xmas/NY closures
L x


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Glad AF has turned up Suity. A horrible time for you but I'm glad that you can plan treatment now. In terms of   I suppose just think about why you wanted a known donor originally and see if that reason still seems to make sense. Hope that you come to a decision without too much agonising.  

Muddy x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Glad you can get going again Suity...the New Year will be here before we know it, at least it gives you time to decide about which sort of little fellas to go for.    I'm sure the right way to go will become clear.

Hope you're doing ok.  Big  

xx


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Suity - have a wicked holiday hun.  Look forward to catching up when you're back.

Big hugs
Dottie
xxx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Safe trip Suity and enjoy yourself
L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Dear all,

Just wanted to add another quick update here....

Back from holiday last weekend, had a fabulous time. Was just what I needed - lots of pampering and relaxing with old friends. Not to mention sunshine, shopping and cocktails  

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm here and reading but not posting much. So pleased for all the recent positives, and have everything crossed for those on 2WW right now - I hope your Christmas dreams come true. You really are all in my thoughts and I'm so thankful for all the support you have given me. 

I realised whilst I was away though, that the best thing for me right now is not to think too much about ttc. I can't try again until January anyway and at the moment I'm not sure what the timing will be. First AF was 29 days after ERPC but today is day 30 and no sign at all of 2nd AF, so can't really plan anything and thinking about it all just makes me worried and sad. So I'm simply trying not to think about it too much so I can enjoy Xmas and stay as positive as possible. I know it's a bit head in the sand and of course I'm going to have to think about it soon enough, but for now, I just feel better the less I think about it.  So I'm not going to come to the London meet and I won't be posting here much for a while yet....not until I start tx again. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you....and wishing you all well

Will be back posting when I feel up to being part of this whole infertility/ttc world again...for now ignorance (or at least semi ignorance) is bliss....

love
Suitcase
x


----------



## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Laura

I don't blame you at all - although don't forget the non pg/ttc pages on FF. A good way of being here but not iykwim  . As you know - I've stepped away from the 'active' stuff many times in the past.

Glad your holiday was great. And thank you for my little ******** messages - I love them  

I'm sure we've all been thinking of you. Have a FAB christmas and New Year and take some pressure off yourself

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Take care of yourself, suity...do whatever it takes to get yourself back on track in your own time.

  
Maya


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hello Suity....

you might not read this til you're back on the boards actively but just wanted to wish you well.    Totally understand taking a step back for a while.  When you are ttc again I would totally advocate making the move from LWC to Reprofit....couldn't fault them on anything other than the slow news on frosties! 

Will miss you at the London meet. 

Take care 

..Winky


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity - glad you had a lovely holiday - Thinking of you, take care x x x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

sending you lots of      and look forward to seeing you back here in 2009.   

xxxx


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Suity   glad you enjoyed your holiday, sounds lovely.  See you back here when you're ready, take care x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks everyone, you're such a great support....

AF arrived today so by those calculations, I've approx 30 days before I have to start thinking about all this seriously again. Will have to email Stepan in the next few days to make sure he sends over a prescription, and if I want sperm from ESB I guess I'll need to get that sorted...ugh.....part of me just wants to forget all about it. But then I'll never hold my own baby will I?

Will be back properly sooner than I thought by the looks of it...but might just lie low for a few more days...

Thanks again for all your good wishes, it really helps,

Suitcase
x


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Glad your holiday was good and relaxing. Hoping that Christmas is a good time too. Take care  

Muddy x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity, glad that you have had a nice relaxing holiday. Be good to yourself and remember that we are here when you feel ready to come back  

Take care

Lou-Ann x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Hi Suity - really glad you had a fantastic holiday - it sounded like just what you needed. 

Take care and hope to see you soon

Love and best wishes  

Kylecat xxx


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Suity - good to see you back hun.

Glad AF arrived so you can schedule.  

Take care

Dx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Well, it looks like I'm completely back now...impossible to get back on the tx roller coaster without being here too - I can't do it without all of you  

I don't know if anyone else gets this, but as soon as I started planning the Jan tx, I started lying awake every night thinking about it all. I remember this happening each time last time - my head gets so full of dates and plans and schedules and the like and it's all I can think about. I get through the days because I'm busy thinking about work and the rest, but at night when I go to bed my mind goes into overdrive. Wish there was a way to switch it off - it's exhausting....

I can't decide what I'm more scared of this time - that it won't work, or that it will work and then all go wrong again. I'm encouraged by all the recent successes, but it just seems to hard to believe that it will ever happen for me. Desperately trying to stay positive but it's so overwhelming

Don't feel you have to reply to this thread - I'm finding it quite good just to have a place to come and rant! But really so many thanks to all of you who have replied and kept on replying and being so supportive even when I wasn't able to be very supportive back. I hope I'll be able to get back to that again now....

Suitcase
x


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