# Your thoughts on using same donor/different donor for 2nd child



## Frinn (Nov 3, 2008)

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I last came on this site - 2009 to be exact, when we (my wife and I) were trying for our first child, who is now an independent 3 1/2 year old!

We're now beginning the preparation for trying for our next child at the beginning of 2014 and I wanted your opinions.

Two years ago we moved to New Zealand. I assumed that this would mean that we wouldn't be able to use sibling sperm to try for our second child, unless we could come back to the UK for treatment (which, with a full time job, would be almost impossible). I contacted our UK clinic recently however and it turns out that they would export the sibling sperm out here to use in NZ. It leaves us in a quandary though...

If we were to go down this route, we would need to buy at least 4 vials of sperm (for IUI - we would need more like 2 for IVF, but then IVF is 5 times as expensive in itself!) at £850 per vial. That alone is £3,500 - then shipping and customs is another £1000 and then each round of treatment is $795 (approx. £400). This totals a whopping £5K (based upon having 4 cycles of IUI to be successful).

Alternatively, we use an NZ clinic recruited donor (they have the same identifying laws as UK) and it would be $1,200 (£600) each try (which includes the sperm).

The first option will effectively mean that we have to put the dream of owning our own house on hold again as that's a substantial amount of our savings gone.

The second option would mean that we could merrily try each month (still having a little bit spare to continue adding to our savings) until we get pregnant.

The *real* issue however, is whether, and how, important it is for our second child to have the same donor as our first. Is it important that they come from the same biological pool as each other? I know there's no guarantee that even if we use the same donor that they will look or be anything alike anyway! But come 18 if they want to find the donor/s, should they share one? Should they be able to support each other in this process?

Grrr, it's such a hard decision. Ultimately, the kids are the most important people in all of this. We are lucky that we *could* find the money one way or another if we decide that it is the ultimate priority - but equally, we moved to NZ partly because of the dream of being able to buy our own house (something that didn't seem likely to be achievable for years in the UK).

What are your thoughts? If we were still in the UK, we would use the sibling sperm - no question, but it's so much money to find up front. And what if we don't get pregnant within 4 tries, we'd have to ship more out. I'd really appreciate your thoughts!

Many thanks, Kat


----------



## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi! 
My initial gut response is to go with the sibling sperm as it might mean something to your children in the future that they have this connection. However there are a number of women o FF who have used different donors and at the end of the day the genetic link between siblings hasn't been that big of a deal.  
So I guess I'm not being that helpful in this reply...if it was me growing up I think having a full sibling would mean something to me.
I think a lot depends on how you explain to your children where they have come from.

Wishing you both all the very best for your next round of tx! 
xxA


----------



## Glitterintheair (Jun 8, 2010)

My sister has a different dad and I'm closer to her than I am my older sister who shares the same parents as me. I think ultimately what I would also worry about is how much and how often would that really affect your child? To me siblings are siblings if they are bought up by the same parents in your case thats you and your wife. You can try for a baby AND potentially own your own home for you and your children. Also if you are going to live in NZ then I think it would be kinda nice to have a baby from NZ heritage. I honestly think its more than the money is worth to ship from uk. I hope this helps?


----------



## Monkey07 (Jul 8, 2012)

This is something my partner and I have been discussing (but not in so much detail as I am still pregnant with our first!). I would like to reserve sibling sperm however my partner isn't so worried... As somebody else mentioned, my brother and I are full siblings yet not particularly close. My partner and her sister have different fathers yet are very close so as she says "we may not be full siblings but we were bought up as such and look, it hasn't affected us". So I sit on the fence as can totally see both sides but I hope my partners feelings on the matter help you a little bit  good luck with whichever you decide! Xx


----------



## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

I can't advise you too as it s such a personal decision but my wife and I really wanted our two children to be fully genetic siblings but our first child (carried by me) his donor is my wife's brother so when we discovered I had secondary infertility we had to erthink. We went to a counsellor to try to resolve our initial principle and it really helped us to identify the issues for us and if they mattered now we knew I couldn't have anymor children. We decided that it was more important to give Jacob a sibling than to decide not to beuase we needed a new donor so that my wife could try to conceive. Baby #2 due in 7 weeks and we are convinced it was the right decision for us given our circumstances but if we had the choice we would have gone for the same donor as we wanted the children to have shared experiences thatthey may want to support each other with as they are older.  Don't know if this helps or confuses the matter? But if it was me I would spend the money and go for the same donor.
Wishing you the very best of luck on your journey xxxxx


----------



## Strawbs78 (Jun 3, 2008)

We have just started trying for No.2 and are using the same donor.  DW wasnt particularly phased if we didnt use the same donor but I definitely was (she has a half sister she is very close to), I think the kids will love each other even if not from the same donor but I think given I have the choice and can give them the full sibling badge then I should.  Its about making right decisions on their behalf right from the beginning.  I figure they are going to have enough to deal with later on with having two mums and being a little different to their buddies who have dads to then find out they are 100% related I just would like to save them from that.  It is probably more in my mind a worry than maybe in reality but it is something I feel quite strongly about.  We are planning on moving to Australia but I have drawn the line very firmly in the sand that we wont be going until baby number 2 safely arrives having used the same donor and we get bNo2 two passports so we are all under the same immigration control and have the same rights. sorry tangent there haha.. 

In the end you need to do what is right for you and your family and it is such a personal choice but I hope the above helps. x


----------

