# How do you know, where too start and how long to wait?!



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

How do you know and where do you start?!

These are two questions I keep asking and I keep going round in circles.  Dh and I have been approved since the beginning of November and keep getting told its early days, which it is, I know that, but patience is not one of my strongest points... Yet I am trying!!

We were linked with a baby blue and through no fault of our own, this could not be pursued.  When we were linked, we were so surprised, we never dreamed we'd be linked with a bubba.  Any, now we are back to the drawing board.  There are lots of older kids and nothing local.  We think we won't be able to have a local child, so limited and the likely hood of getting a younger child out of our area is limited.  So, do we look at older children as in 2/3 years old.  I would love a young child, but could be waiting a year plus for them.  I want my life to start as a family and would it make that much difference.  I probably know the answer deep down, but how much do you compromise?

Did you put a time limit on how long you would wait for your ideals before considering widening our options.  I don't believe we will be blessed with a younger child.  We aren't that lucky. There are so many people all wanting the same children.  It's hard.

We have been looking at some older sibling groups who look ok on paper.... But how do we know? Would we be compromising too soon?  Dh and I will be happy with a family, I know this, so should we hang fire....?!

I waffle.... Just feeling it I guess.... And this waiting is insane!!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Waiting is the hardest part!

We did concurrent planning when it first came out and we said we wanted a baby girl, because we said this we waited 13 months from approval to her being placed with us.  Looking back in hind sight if we had just said a baby we would have been matched a lot quicker and the babies that were placed in the time that we waited all stayed with the new adoptive mums and dads where as our baby girl went back to her birth parents.

We were then in the situation of what do we do now.......felt our world had fallen apart but new we couldn't foster to adopt as it is now called again.......so we grieved for a bit then approached another SS..........we were accepted and approved............We said again we wanted a baby girl and this time knew we may face a long wait and to our utter shock we only waited 5 months and she moved in with us. 

I guess what I am trying to say is only you can answer that question you have asked, we can only offer help and support and wish you luck on your journey! XX


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi  

If in your heart you would like a young child/baby then I would say wait for one.  If the age of the child is important to you (and it was for me too   ), then my advice would be to hold on to what is in your heart age wise.  As long as you are flexible in other areas (possible health issues, background, uncertainties) then you are still 'matchable' and there are babies in the system, there are!!  

Wishing you lots of luck and the right match in 2015  
X


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Hi forgetmenot.
I know exactly how you feel and have probably written a similar post in the last year.  We always knew we wanted as young as possible but the longer we waited, the more we questioned whether to increase the age limit.  I knew in my heart that we should stick to our guns and I'm soooooo glad that we did.  We waited 10 months for our match and the way our la work is that we don't get any profiles until our SW is sure she's find the right match so although we got snippets of information during that time and saw our sw about once a month, we didn't get any profiles.  I found the waiting very hard, there's no getting away from that, but the moment we found out about our  little pink, all that melted away.  We waited for 10 months because our little pink wasn't ready before then (she wasn't even born Until 4 months after approval 😊) and she is the perfect match for us in every way.  It does scare me a bit to think we would have missed out on her if we'd changed our age range.  I hope that helps!
Good luck


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you all, it's just so hard x

I get the, it will be right when it's right etc..... But hard to believe we would be blessed.  I know that's silly, but there's so many couples.... Why would it be us.  Equally why wouldn't it be?!  It's always been such a battle in anything we've done, so why would it be any different.

I think because we have been so flexible, our sw is telling us about things, and I think for me I need to be proactive, just difficult.

I am stuck doing a job I don't want to do which is stressful, but can't afford to quit, but equally, stressed that not doing my best at it, which makes me feel worse!!

I guess things will slow down now with xmas, so will just need to suck it up.... But xmas is so hard.  It's lovely to hear stories, so thank you xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I know this is very easy for me to say and hard for you to do but I think you do need to take a deep breath and chill. Being approved for six weeks or so is a flash in the pan on Planet Adoption and I think far too early to start making compromises in terms of your matching criteria. December essentially sees SS shut down so you will begin January as practically a newly approved couple. I am not saying you should not look at profiles which are a bit wider than you thought at first or approach the situation with an open mind but adoption is a long old haul which requires thought, commitment, patience and, most crucially, the right match. Stick with it. If a lot longer down the line it seems unlikely to happen then perhaps look at things again.

Good luck and stick to your guns for now xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

I remember feeling a little crazy at first with the not knowing but then I did chill out and we booked a great holiday, spent some quality time together. Practised mindfulness and tried to enjoy being in the present and enjoying my husband alone whilst I can. 
Now we have the match all is moving quickly and I'm so glad we had that time. 
Do what you can to chill a bit, then next year ask to go on exchange days etc, we found that helped us to feel proactive. 
I don't think we could have settled for a link outside of our criteria as would have felt wrong from the start and that is no way to proceed for such a life changing event. 
It may take longer but will be worth it. Imagine having your LO home and wondering what if. It would be totally awful. And extremely unfair on the LO. And then hearing of others getting linked with what could have been your LO.  
It will happen, an extra few months or even a year won't matter once the right LO is home. 
If after say a year you hadn't found LO then you might think of widening your search, but only if it felt right, but after only 6 weeks, I think you could have regrets. 
Xxx


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

Our criteria is quite wide - boy or girl up to the age of four, and yet we have seen few profiles despite having been approved since July 2013. It could be a long wait even if you widen your search x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for the advice...I know the right one will come along.... but I still need to be proactive!! It is early days and lots of people get matches very early, and some later.  So I know it will take the time it takes.  I am not sure on specific ages... I would like a younger child, but equally it's more about the right child too, so I don't think I want to get hung up on it and because our search is quite broad, I guess we might consider older children. 

I would hate to regret anything and this child/children is ours for life and hope my message hasn't come across as wanting a quick fix as that's not we want.

We are booked on activity day and family finding day in the new year and on everything.  I am a person who needs to be 'doing'... My poor social worker!!!

Holiday is booked... So I think we are doing the right things... Just waiting xx


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## Pumpkin mummy (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi

I can remember this wait, the hardest thing ever, refreshing email every few minutes etc!

We had a few profiles, and to be honest, even though we were desperate to be a family they were not the right child for us.  

Everyone kept saying, the right one would come along, I never believed them.  There was a LO that I jumped for (because he was cute, 18 months old, couldn't be placed) and I felt desperate to have a LO at home. I read his CPR, it was totally hard hitting, I spoke to my SW, and she said that if I couldn't cope with the childs background on paper, how could we ever explain to him his background. She was totally right.

Our SW said to me that, it's hard to wait to be matched,but it's a life long commitment, better to wait a few months for the right child, than to jump for any child, and not be right.

It's tough, but it's right,

Hope it helps.xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks pumpkin x I do get that.... And we won't be jumping for the wrong child...

Hopefully we will know.... Xx


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

We have been approved 9 months now, I think I felt like you for the first 7 months!
Trying to be as proactive as possible, on forums dozens of times a day, constantly on edge when emails pinged and phone rang.

Then out of the blue a link came along, we were shortlisted from dozens and after a meeting with child's social worker we were not chosen. Took a week or so to process this and then a couple weeks back approached about a little one slightly above our comfort zone so said no thank you.

i then stopped checking forums and didn't immediatly check emails either. I questioned for a second if I had lost interest but realise now I've finally excepted that I can't change anything or make anything happen. I am defiantly in the head space that that isn't a process we can control and our time will come.


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