# help



## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hi all. am looking for some help and advise really!
i am just finding this really hard to deal with, i just cry all the time, and if im not crying about this I'm thinking about it.
me and my husband are getting ready to start ivf as none of my treatments worked for me!  He's fine and has 2  beautiful children already so I feel he doesn't understand what I'm going through(dnt want to sound selfish). We are just waiting for the money as were going private. 
i cant talk to anyone because I don't know anyone going through this, and all my friends is talk about their babies, pregnancies, scans. and to top of my emotions another one of my best friends is pregnant with her 3rd. i just keep thinking its not fair that she can have babies and i can't. But i hate my self for thinking this because she is a lovely person. any ideas how you move your self on ?? 
any advice will be greatly appreciated!!
xxxxx


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## Taurusgirl (Apr 9, 2012)

Hi, 

I didn't want to read and run. I do understand where your coming from about friends being pregnant and not being able to talk to anyone. My OH also has children from a previous relationship so doesn't really understand what I am feeling. 

I think it is only normal to think like this though....well thats what I tell myself!! lol 

I haven't started any treatment yet as I am seeing my fertility doc next month to see what options I may have so I cant give any adivce on that. 

I am sure someone on here will have some great advice as I'm still new to all of this but there are some great threads to read on here which give a good insight into how other people feel and help themselves on.

I hope your able to start your treatment soon!


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello and welcome to Fertility Friends   

I've included some forum boards that may help answer some of you questions   

*Cycle Buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

*Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*IVF Boards ~ *CLICK HERE

Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please shout!

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. CLICK HERE

We also have a chat room - which is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works.

*Newbie chat ~ *CLICK HERE

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.
Good luck,

  

Tis xx


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## Dopey2012 (Apr 20, 2012)

Hi, 

I am only at the start of my test so not as far on as you but i know exactly what you mean with regards to your friends being pregnant or it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant and you just feel its not fair, i think from reading other posts on here we are not the only ones and everyone feels the same. 

I have read some great posts on here that have helped me over the last couple of weeks. 

I hope it all works out for you and don't feel like you are alone, there is always someone on FF that has been or is going through the same emotions as you are.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi zoehughes - just wanted to let you know you are definitely _not _ alone in your thoughts and feelings  I've just found out my best friend is pregnant and the news was _very _ unexpected. Since I found out I've been a total mess and finding it hard to cope with this one  . I feel so bad for thinking the things I do, because like you say, she is a lovely person. You might find reading some of the posts on the 'coping with infertility' board helpful. Good luck with your journey


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

thanks everyone! 
have decide to try and distance myself from my circle of friends for a little bit just until I can speak without bursting into tears. Hoping this will help me feel better . But if any one has any other ideas to try and make my self feel a bit better please tell me.

Dopey2012- how far are you? its such a waiting game at the start of this journey. good luck with it all 

Taurusgirl- i especially find it hard to talk to any one because i come from such a big family, and i seem to be the only one with problems! which is hard in its self.
i have a piece of advise and some form of comfort (was to me anyway) I was told at least my husband has children, so you won't feel that you are making him miss out! 
if you get what i mean hard to put it to proper words lol.

Nosilab-  thank you. How are you coping with it? I seem to be getting more upset day by day.

xxxxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi - I too am the only one in my very large family who hasn't had children, so it makes me feel awful that I'm the only one not able to make a baby  My 2 sisters, one brother, 7 nieces and newphew ALL have children...why only me?! Hmm, how am I coping....I'm not sure I am really. Today is my first day without tears, and that is a real surprise to me as only yesterday eve I was blubbing on DH's shoulder! It might be the tears have held off today because I haven't heard from my friend, but it's still there bubbling away just under the surface  Do you have any close friends or work colleagues who aren't pregnant or that don't have babies? Or family members that you could confide in, to get things off your chest? I'm not great at keeping stuff to myself and so quite a few people know about our situation, and on the whole people have been fab, very lovely and supportive and I think that's helped with me a lot. Not sure what area you live in but maybe you could see if there are any post on here talking about an informal support group? I've just found one in my area, and so far have only been to one meet up but I found it really helpful to talk face to face. I'm sure you will feel upset for a while, I know I will, and who knows how long those feeling will go on for. So in the meantime we need to be selfish and think about _ourselves_, and look after _ourselves_, and if that means distancing from your circle of friends for the time being then so be it - you just do whatever you feel is best for you - that's what I've decided to do.

xxxx


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## Dopey2012 (Apr 20, 2012)

Hi Zoe, 

I have just been booked in for my Lap and dye test in June but in a way i am dreading it. I want to find out what the problem is but i am so scared it is going to be something really bad. 

I hope you have found the support you were looking for on FF and if you ever want to chat please get in touch.


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hi all hope everyone is having a good day so far!!

Dopey2012- Hiya! I have been were you are now so i know how you feel, when i had my lap and dye test i had drilling at the same time. it was scary  for me but they knew what my problem was already they were just checking my tubes at same time. lucky they are fine, I did find out my results straight away, they didn't keep me waiting at all so hopefully for you it will be the same for you  i have found this site so helpful already and only been on it a couple of days! thank you.

Nosilab- Hiya I think that all the time why me! no I've literally got no one, a few people know but i don't feel that they really care and want to know, I dont want to bore them with it. and work wise I'm a nanny for a family of four and the youngest is just 2, so i do talk to him but he doesn't get it lol. But he is a good listener. Thank you for your support xxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Zoe!  Wow!  How do you find you cope with your job, working with small children?!  Glad to hear that the 2 year old is a good listener though heehee    I hope you find that you get the support/friendship/encouragement you need from everyone on FF   xxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya Nosilab how your day today?
To be honest im not sure that i do really, I just have to get on with it, I love my job so at the moment its manageable with my emotions but not sure how long I will be able to do it. He's a brilliant listener lol and he seems to show interest in what im saying which is even better. 
I'm finding these chats to people and reading other topics is helping don't feel so alone.
xxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya - yeah doing a bit better today thank you, no tears so that's always good! Although I did have to sit in a meeting at work today opposite a _very _ pregnant colleague, watching her holding and rubbing her belly the whole time, could have done without that today! How are you doing? Glad you're finding the chats on here helpful, like you I find just logging on to FF and reading other people's posts helps me to deal with things a little easier and not feel so alone. So pleased you're finding it helpful too 

 xxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

well thats a good sign then! 
I dnt get why women do that its like they need you to know that they are pregnant. I'm on a good day, today had no tears or anything! I fink its coming on to this site and being able to rant/say/talk/read about it and not feel that im boring anyone. 
have a lovely evening.
xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya Zoe - so sorry for the late reply.  So glad you had a better day the other day, hope that's continued for the rest of the week?  Hope you're now enjoying a a relaxing weekend  

 xxxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

Hiya Nosilab how r u?
you had a nice weekend? how you been the past week? better i hope!! 
yeap have had a really positive week have spoke to a few friends about ivf, they were asking about it so they wanted to know. I came away feeling quite positive. am getting a bit anxious thou my sister in law is ready to pop any day now. And i'm dreading going up to were they live! because i know it will be baby/baby/baby, I can't escape from it. I'm not sure im ready for it. But i have got no choice I have to go. 

xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya Zoe,

I'm doing much better at the mo, thank you.  Really really glad that you've had some good positive responses from friends about your tx.  I always find it helps me when I talk to my close circle of friends about any treatment I'm having, or if I'm having a down day etc, the friends I talk to are always very supportive and understanding and it's helps so much to know they are there - so I'm glad you've found that too.

Hmm, very tricky one with your SIL!  Tricky that you can't get out of it, and so hard that you already know (obviously!) that it's all going to be baby baby baby!  Do your family know where you are with tx?  Will they understand if you have to take some time out?  Will be thinking of you 

 xxx


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## Yenguccia (May 1, 2012)

zoehughes said:


> hi all. am looking for some help and advise really!
> i am just finding this really hard to deal with, i just cry all the time, and if im not crying about this I'm thinking about it.
> me and my husband are getting ready to start ivf as none of my treatments worked for me!  He's fine and has 2 beautiful children already so I feel he doesn't understand what I'm going through(dnt want to sound selfish). We are just waiting for the money as were going private.
> i cant talk to anyone because I don't know anyone going through this, and all my friends is talk about their babies, pregnancies, scans. and to top of my emotions another one of my best friends is pregnant with her 3rd. i just keep thinking its not fair that she can have babies and i can't. But i hate my self for thinking this because she is a lovely person. any ideas how you move your self on ??
> ...


Hi there! i used to thin like you but it will make you feel worse..just think that you will have your time. I had ivf 2 failed and now I am pregnant..Just never give up and don't entertain negative thoughts..try praying. On my 3rd try for IVF. I asked my pastor and the whole congregation to pray for me..and guess what..without a doubt..we made it.!!! YOu will have it too..Don't worry.I have been there and done a lot of crying but there is always HOPE!!!


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya Nosilab how your day been?? glad your having a good couple of days!!
mine hasn't lasted having a really bad day for some reason so emotional its un-real. Have got so much going on in my mind if feel like im going to explode with everything just can't seem to cope. Not sure what to do? sorry to have a downer!
and about the sister in law, yea they know what we are going through, but it makes no difference at all, she is very in your face girl, and the only girl ever to have a baby in her world. I think that's a part of way im feeling so bad nerves maybe. 
xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Yenguccia- Congratulations   I bet you are other the moon! so happy for you!!! 
thank you! Im sure I will get there, its just the getting there that's awful as you know!
Just really had enough of crying but can't seem to move past it. Did you do anything to help you move on a little? I'm not religious but am thinking i need something in my life to look for comfort in. (if you understand what i mean?) xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Zoe

Please don't apologise for having a bad day, we all have them, and that's where FF friends step in  I expect without a doubt you are working yourself up to the visit to see your SIL and baby and you will obviously be nervous about that, so no wonder you're on a downer which is completely understandable and I'd feel the same if I was in your shoes. I'm really not sure what to advise, as I'm not sure how I would cope in that situation - well if I'm honest, I don't think I would cope. The whole thing makes it doubly difficult if she is an 'in ya face' type person and not considerate to your feelings, that will make you worry more. I'm not sure what the distance is between you and your SIL, but are you expected to stay over when you visit? Would you be staying over with your SIL? Just wondered if you could book into a B&B so that you have an 'escape route' if needed, that way if it gets too much for you, you can make your excuses (say you feel unwell or something?!) and leave, think that's what I'd do.

Also, I know there are many _many _ books out there on infertility - but so far I've only read one, so it's the only one I can recommend - but have you read/heard of 'Conquering Infertility' by Alice Domar? There are some good sections in there about coping etc. You may find some of her suggestions work?

Do you have access to a counsellor at your clinic? You may also find that helpful. It's good to get it off your chest and they might also have some suggestions on coping - as they see and hear these situations day in day out. I'm off to see mine tomorrow - it's reassuring to know she's there whenever I need to see her.

I'm doing ok thank you, not too bad at the mo. I've got a bit of a lurgy at the mo, so not feeling particularly well, it's making me feel tired - when I said that in conversation to someone at work today she said "oh! it's not a baby is it?!"....I just said "err no!", but if I'd had that comment a week ago I would have broken down in tears!! So this week is definitely better than last week 

Take care  xxxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya Nosilab.
How are you? have you had a good week/weekend?
hows the lurgy better i hope!!!  
sorry for late reply have been trying to keep of computer and keep my self busy! trying to pull myself out of my upset. which i seem to have done a little.
Thank you for your advise. I'm going to get and get a book and see if that helps me. fingers crossed.
About the sis in law im going to see how strong i feel when she had the baby and go from there. They live in Midlands and were in Devon so a fair distance. my husband has said if i go up we will only go for the day, so it should be ok, will just have to put on a brave face.
 xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Zoe!

Yes I had a lovely weekend thank you, busy but lovely. I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling a little bit better, take things slowly and you'll be fine, do whatever you need to. Yes sometimes staying away from the computer helps doesn't it, so please don't worry about any 'late' replies, I won't be offended in the slighest, please don't feel obliged to reply if you don't feel up to it 

The lurgy has gone thank goodness! Luckily it didn't hang around, only a couple of days really. Hope you've been keeping yourself busy with some nice things?

Absolutely re the visit to see your sis in law, just see how you feel, and how strong you feel when the time comes - you maybe ok, or you may want to make a quick exit - both are fine as long as it's what *you * want to do  It's good that your DH is suggesting you both only go up for the day, that sounds perfect then you won't feel obliged to stay any longer than you need to - or longer than you can cope with.

Good luck with the book  xxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

Hiya Nosilab how r u?

glad you weren't ill for long!  there are so many bugs going around at the moment!
Have been gardening alot which has seemed to help settle my mind, which is weird as normal i hate gardening lol.
Then just the boring things really lots of exercise and work! 
have you been up to anything intresting?
yea sister in law thing is now sorted in my mind, will just see how i am when she has the baby.
not found a book yet as im trying to forget everything at the moment, which isnt working really but im trying to persist with it.

was going to ask you about what your treatment/where you are in all of this ? if you dont mind. dont feel that you have to responded to it though!!
speak soon have a lovely weekend if i don't speak to you befour xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya!

I love gardening! It always relaxes me and helps me to forget about 'stuff'. I haven't been up to any anything very exciting, but I did have a day off work yesterday and have also taken Monday off so am enjoying a lovely long weekend  

Well at the mo we are on the donor egg waiting list but that could be up to a 2 year wait! There aren't enough donors to treat the recipients on the list   So in the meantime I've asked my clinic if I can go back on Tamoxifen, which helps me to ovulate and they said yes, so I start that this month. But no I didn't respond well to my ivf which is why they told me to it wasn't worth doing it again  

How are you doing? Where are you at with things now?

xxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya!!!
how r u? the weather in devon (where i live) is beautiful have got a lovely tan!! it makes me in such a better/positive mood! its great.  

ok im not sure how egg donor works is there any way you can ask a family member?
Tamoxifen not been on that not sure y as my only problem is that i dont ovulate!
is it likely to wrk for u? hope so!!

I've had clomid, and metformin, had ovarin drilling, none of this worked for me  did this over a year.
then was told last hope is ivf, had a blood test to check a hormone level (not sure of the name) jst waiting for the results then will start ivf! scary but excited!

xxxxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hiya!

I'm not too bad thank you, been feeling a bit low over the last few weeks if I'm honest, but the sun most definitely does help with having a more positive mood    I'm in Bath, so just just up the road from you - ish!  

Yes we could have the option of asking a family member (or friend) re the donor eggs, in fact we do have 2 potential 'known' donors if I wanted them, but DH is not keen at all to go down that route, he thinks it will make things complicated in the future, and I do partly agree with him.  The plus side to a known donor of course is that you can start tx almost straight away and all eggs retrieved are yours, rather than having to share them 50:50 with another recipient - which is what happens with an anonymous donor.  But we've thought long and hard about it, and talked lots and we feel the anonymous donor is the better option for us (at the moment!).

Yes, my clinic started me off on Clomid (6 cycles) and then moved me on to Tamoxifen afterwards.  They basically all do the same thing I think.  Sadly it didn't work for me last year, but you never know! I'm hoping and praying it might just work for us this time around  

Your hormones test was probably either testing your FSH or AMH I expect, some clinics test one of those routinely and some test both.  Mine only tested for FSH.  Starting IVF is definitely scary and exciting at the same time.  I will keep everything crossed for you   

 xxxxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya - have u. how are you feeling now? 
im at a low today sister in law had a little girl last night. it has just broken me! can't stop crying even though i am so happy for them.

god its so difficult making all these choice's. oh right sounds alot to take in for you both!
well lets pray it works this time  
Amh sounds right had the other one done already.
thank you xxxxxx


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## Ruthee (Aug 3, 2008)

Dear Zoe and Nosilab and everyone else,
I saw your posts and felt so much for you as you reminded me so much of how I felt when I started this journey. I found it very hard with people literally all around me becoming pregnant (some not intentionally- and then asking my advice about what to do without knowing I was going through IVF!). One friend of mine (who knew I was going through IVF) actually did a dance of joy when she and a colleague both told eachother they were pregnant in front of me- tactless. At the time I knew quite a few people who for different reasons were all going through IVF and through talking with them I realised that my feelings of (mainly) anger and resentment were normal and did pass in time (although were occasionally raised up again!!!)
When I think about my IVF experiences I always think (sounds a bit weird) if I had a time machine and could go back and tell myself that in a few years time it will be OK and I will have my family, then I wouldn't have minded the wait as I did get there in the end. You might have to try for longer than you thought and you might have to consider options you hadn't thought of before- I will say very honestly that I did.
If you are thinking about donor eggs- have you thought about treatment abroad? It is cheaper (in some countries), the wait is much shorter and in a lot of countries anonymous.
I wish you all the best of luck. You will of course feel down about your situation but please don't despair. You never know what the next couple of years might bring.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Ruthee


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## DaisyBunny (May 5, 2012)

Hi Zoehughes

I read your post and do understand a lot of how you're feeling. All my friends have had no problems having children and my DH has two children from a previous marriage and I often find myself confused with feelings of resentment towards him, especially because he's had a vasectomy too which complicates things (even though he really does try his best to understand and is so willing to pursue treatment options). I have had two failed IVF cycles but it is exiting giving it a go and trying to move forwards. I've had to learn to look after me a bit more especially if I'm getting upset and overwhelmed with everything.  Often I need a little time and space just to myself to recharge, clear my head and face the world again if things are getting me down.  I do talk to some of my friends and most are supportive even though it's always at the back of my mind that they don't really understand. I hope you start to have more good days as you start the IVF process and feel like your you're at least moving in a hopeful direction . Take care  xx

Nosilab.....I hope you are having some luck pursuing the donor egg route...DH and I are overwhelmed with all the options but we think we're going to try one of the Czech clinics. Good luck  x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Aw Zoe, sending you massive 

I completely understand what a _really _ hard time this will be for you  You need to cry and get it all out, don't bottle up your thoughts or feelings up - let it all out! It's so hard having the mixed emotions isn't it, it really plays with your head - on one hand you're really happy for them, but on the other you're devastated for yourself - and one emotion is fighting against the other. Give yourself some time, however long it takes and just do things at your own pace, don't push yourself to do anything you don't want to, or put yourself in to a situation that will upset you even more. In time, I'm sure things will become easier (that's what I'm telling myself anyway!  ). Take heaps of care  xx

Ruthee, I've not thought of the time machine, but I have thought of the crystal ball! I always think, if I had a crystal ball I'd be able to see into the future and see how things pan out re babies - if I have a baby, fantastic and in the meantime I can relax knowing that it will happen, and if it told me I won't have a baby at least I'd know to give up on tx and try and move on and fill my life with other things - sadly no such crystal ball exists - but if only eh, life would be soooo much simpler  Yes DH and I have discussed donor eggs abroad, but for us that's just not an option, but thanks for mentioning it  xx

DaisyBunny, wishing you lots of luck with the DE at the Czech clinic, it is all very overwhelming isn't it!   xx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya everyone thanks for all your support!!
its so lovely!!
Nosilab- hows your week been? better i hope!  my week didnt get much better had my results for my amh level back and they are lower than the should/though would be so not sure what this means for me? and have seen the baby and was all ok, not as bad as i thought it would be. the hardest thing was when my husband was holding her! that brought alot of tears on when we left. will speak soon as my internet is being changed ova. take care.    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi everyone!

Zoe, so sorry to hear about your test results, but try not to fret too much, I think there are _loads _ of positive stories on here from woman with success stories even though they had low AMH 

I've had a good week thank you, the long bank holiday weekend has definitely helped! Back to work tomorrow though. I'm so pleased that all went relatively well with the meet up, totally understandable that you got upset when DH held the baby though. I've arranged to meet my pregnant friend this coming weekend, am dreading it really but I hoping it'll turn out like your meet up, and that it won't turn out to be as bad as I think - fingers crossed!!

Take care  xxxx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

hiya haven't posted on here in a while as was trying to stay away from any reminders that having children isn't really happening.
however my baby sister is having a baby! this has just broke me! as i wasn't expecting it at all as she 18!! and not even seeing this boy!
i feel completely devastated, and can't hold a conversation on this with out breaking down as the jealously starts.
i am trying my hardest to put a smile on my face, but can't see this getting any more easier, bearable. any advise is welcome.
How am i meant to move on from this and be happy for her?
sorry to rant but husband is getting feed up of listening to me i think and i have no one that understands what im going through xxxxx

Moderator Note: Topic merged with original intro


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## Peace50 (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi Zoe, 

Trust me I know what you are going through and that feeling is the worst... Like you have been hit by a train and every time you think of how unfair it is it hits you again. I get like this, my best friend has an 18 month old baby and got pregnant 3 months ago within the first month of trying and to make it harder she told me only a week after my miscarriage... My hubby is great but doesn't understand, he thinks I should be happy but it's so hard when you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand. Unfortunately nothing I can say will ease this other than the fact you'll have to find a way to get through it, she's your sister and she didn't do it to hurt you and I'm sure she feels terrible about how easy it's come to her when the paths been so difficult for you. Could you talk to her about it and explain that at the moment you can't talk about the baby stuff with her, hopefully shell understand. I know it's easier said than done but try and stay positive and focus on you. If the jealously gets too much talk to someone or rant on here like I do! I hope you feel better soon


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Oh Zoe, sending you massive hugs  

What a horrible time for you, and just awful and difficult to cope with given your sister's circumstances, that really doesn't make things any easier for you.  If I'm honest I'm still struggling with my best friends pregnancy (and she's now 5 months pregnant) and although she's not my sister by family she is practically like a sister as we've known each other 36 years, so on the whole I can totally relate to how you're feeling.  Some days are better than others, I can sometimes go for a couple of weeks without crying or feeling low, and then bam!  It hits me and I feel devasted again and feel very low and tearful.  I think it will mainly depend on how sensitive and understanding your sister is (and your family).....I really hopes she is very sensitive to your feelings as that will at least make things slightly easier for you.

If you ever want to PM me please feel free,

Big hugs   xx


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## zoehughes (Apr 25, 2012)

thanks ladies! 
hiya Nosilab how r u?? sorry your not having a good time either!
its horriable, but i am having a better day 2day as ive jst booked a last min holiday and go 2mro morning!! can not wait.
my family is trying to understand but none of them do. im just hoping it will get easier with time, but am struggling to see how at the moment.

big hug!! xxxxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Enjoy your much deserved holiday Zoe    I'm so pleased to hear you're feeling a little better, and your holiday will certainly help with that.  Take care   xxx


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