# Suddenly without sperm and 44 years old!



## Vickiec70 (Jan 26, 2015)

Hello!  I just wondered if there was anyone else in a similar situation to me.

Background bit:  I've been married for 20 years and have not used contraception at all and never managed to get pregnant.  I've always wanted a baby and my hubby and I went for tests about 10 years ago.  All was normal, no reason for infertility but I was overweight.  Off I was sent to lose weight and return when I'd lost 5 stone - a little overwhelming to hear that put so bluntly but anyway, it is as it was!  

Personal bit:  My husband stopped wanting sex with me around 7 years ago and didn't give me a straight answer why not - he said it was him.  Anyway, at Christmas he finally declared he didn't love me that way.  Grateful for an answer to the constant question of why (I thought I was hideously repulsive!!), it began to turn into anger because at 44 I'm quickly running out of time to be a mum.  Anyway, it further transpires that he has never wanted children and wanted our life to be the same as it always has been.

So, for the last few months I have found myself considering all the options open to me.  I have lost my weight am fit and certainly don't feel my age.  I am now without the ability to get free sperm (forgive the crudeness!) and heading towards being a single mum, if I'm lucky.  I'm strongly considering co-parenting but yet to find a co-parent, having a one night stand (or several if the fancy takes me!) or using a sperm donor.  

My GP referred me to a consultant whom I saw on Monday.  Friendly enough but she says my age is the issue for help through the NHS - if I'd come 2 years earlier it would have been much better.  Also, because I'm technically married and not single, that also appears to be a hindrance for NHS support.  So, I find myself at 44 with a husband who doesn't love me enough to have sex with me and has denied me the chance to have children.  I'm considering alternative options and have changed my name to my maiden name in the hope that my GP and other medical staff can see that I'm at least separated if not currently single.  Feeling a little discriminated by the NHS and betrayed by the husband (but I can deal with that one)    Does anyone have any advice?!?

Thanks muchly

Vickie


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Vickie
So sorry to hear your story - how appalling that your husband was not just upfront about not wanting children - at least then you'd know where you were and could have made plans. 
I was in a position where I wanted children, but unlike you, was totally single ( no sign of Mr Right or Mr Right now!) so I decided to go for it alone, otherwise I'd regret it. I would have liked to have kids with a partner, but that didn't happen. I think it is discriminatory for the NHS not to fund any fertility treatment for women in their 40s, but even if you fit the criteria age wise, some authorities don't fund any cycles even then. IT would be fairer and cheaper for the NHS for them not to fund it for anyone (I suppose this might be contentious). That way, if you are committed, you save up as we have to do. However, go and see your GP and ask for all the blood tests that you can have done free on the NHS despite your age - my GP was very helpful with this.
I went for DD IVF and now have a gorgeous 8 month old son. I have 3 frosties so am planning on trying for a sibling this year. I haven't regretted going it alone.
So good luck with what you do. Don't look back and have regrets. If you did it as a single mum,  you'd have no issues with a co-parent and parental rights.
Deb


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## noteasy (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi there.

Just wanted to write having been quite moved by your story. As Deb wrote, what a shame your husband wasn't straight up with you. But let's look to the rosier future, shall we? 

As I understand it, marital status doesn't come into it at all with the NHS and its policy on extending fertility treatment. I don't see how there could be legal grounds for this. It's all about AGE (and where the limited resources are expended).

So, looking ahead I suggest:
-keep doing what you can to stay happy and healthy...lots of life left!
-finding a way (and quickly!) to earn & save up some money
-looking into options for assisted reproduction (even if we feel young our eggs are the age they are!)
-getting legal advice on how you can ensure a solo parenting gig (should some fun result in a natural, good outcome!?)

Good for you for getting healthy in your body, and although the current situation is no doubt crapcrapcrap to be facing and going through, I suspect you will be happier (and thus healthier) in the long run!

Stay strong. Sending you lots of hugs.


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi Vickiec70,

You might be without sperm and without sex, but you're not without hope.

Have a look into embryo adoption - this is much cheaper than normal IVF, much easier to go through physically and at 44 crucially gives you access to much younger eggs.

When looked at this way, your reluctant hubby may just be doing you a massive favour.

Best wishes,

B xxx


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## Val74 (Jan 3, 2015)

I'm really sorry to hear this too. I agree with getting  your bloods checked, particularly thyroid to make sure your TSH level is within normal range. I tried unsuccesrfully for years only to find my TSH was 5.6 despite taking levothxroxine, such a waste of my fertile years, was so angry.

Also, (this too will be controversial) perhaps join a credit union so could get a low interest loan as if you can't afford treatment you may not have the luxury of time to save up for it either. Research donor sperm, surprisingly in some clinics it only costs £500 more anyway! 

Good luck and   xx


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## Bax (Feb 25, 2015)

Vickie - I didn't want to read and run.

I think the issues you've had with your husband are more common than you might think.  You had tests 10 years ago and since then he's seen you embracing your weight and doing what you need to be in the best pysicaly fitness to make a baby - so he was probably feeling second best to the hope of a child, and also that lack of conception issue might be his fault... I suspect he stopped wanted to have sex so that he didn't have to face up to "failing" to give you a baby, when you had done what you needed to.  What a shame he wasn't able to work with you and work this out.  I don't have anything to add to the ladies advice above, but I wanted to reach out to you because your story touched a nerve.  You're incredibly brave and deserve a good outcome x


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