# 10 Words That Describe Infertility



## Wraakgodin

I found this recently, and thought it would be useful to post it here. 


Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. *Lonely *
We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It's okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. *Exposed *
Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: "You just need to stop trying so hard!" Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you're doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you're trying, people want to know how it's going, if you've done artificial insemination, if you'd consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair and the bad magazines.

It's okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. *On Hold 
*We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we're pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a "what if."

It's okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can't plan anything. We even found that it's good to take a month off now and then.

4. *Invaded *
For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you've started down this road, there's no stopping until you get pregnant.

It's okay to say what you need, and it's okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. *Awkward *
During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, "What are you doing here?" I mean, what do you say?

It's okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that's all you can do.

6. *Angry*
Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. "No!" she blurted. "I'm angry at pregnant women!" She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It's okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you're terribly embarrassed about, because it's good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. *Stressed *
Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to "not be so stressed about it" never worked for us. It also didn't help to "just stop trying." Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It's okay to be stressed. Don't stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. *Despair* 
The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was two days late, and just knowing that this time, it's going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got "it," I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn't get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn't happen, keep crying. It's too hard to pretend that you're not excited and that you're not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It's okay to hope, and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. *Loss*
This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don't know how it will end.

It's okay if you don't know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. *Ambivalence *
Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad? And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It's okay to want and not want. That's normal.

If you're struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-wiens/infertility-words_b_3319325.html


----------



## artist_mum

Thank you, this is really helpful.  Normalises all those feelings...

Roxy x


----------



## JulietP

It is so nice to have this in writing.  I feel I've been given permission finally to be so angry and so stressed...and everything else.

x


----------



## Gra737

Unfair, After A beautiful Girl Can't Give Her A Sibling


----------



## Foxc

Thank you so much for your words. My 1st cycle of icsi has failed today and I feel all them emotions in one go today but at the same time i feel numb, and i haven't cried?! My period / heavy bleed just makes everything worse but I just pray that God gives us ALL courage, strength and in the end many blessings.

Xx


----------



## artist_mum

Foxc - sorry to read your post, hope that you are finding your way forward with all the mixed emotions and feelings at a difficult time.  Sending you kind thoughts and prayers x


----------



## Batfinkgal

Thank you for this. Such a relief to see all our feelings explained and validated.


----------



## Mrs_Fox

Beautiful words to describe those only too familiar awful feelings. Thank you x


----------



## lilkim

can relate to a lot of that nice to know am not the only one who feels like tjat.


----------



## DizziSquirrel

So pleased to see this here


----------



## pumi

I can relate so much to all these feelings.... sometimes I just pretend everything is fine but it is very hard...


----------



## staceyx

Couldnt have put it better myself. Especially the angry bit... and what about jealousy?


----------



## Melissa_A

This post has made me both smile and cry. I have all these emotions on a twice daily basis. It's exhausting at best. My worries have changed from not being able to conceive with my partner, now that I am single, I'm running out of time to find Mr Right - and then when do you casually drop into conversation that to have children you need IVF and even then it might happen.


----------



## Mozzy

This pretty much sums up how i feel at the moment xx


----------



## ElleKay21

Thank you, good to know that other people feel like this


----------



## ixilou

Thank you so much for sharing this


----------



## Dare78

Wow! Everyone so true! Also another word patronising, when others have children and then they say, your better off without them!


----------



## JessieJ0612

👌


----------



## VickyS1

Thank you for this, completely empathise and the main thing is giving yourself permission to feel all these emotions and not feel guilty as it is a hard time.  This is great to see


----------



## Belle Williams

This is true. We can. all feel down at some point that it's forums like this that help you get through as you know you're not alone there is many people out there going through the same thing we just don't know about it, these forums are fantastic to understand and get to know other people are going through the same thing to you are. And it's okay to be upset and sad because you've got people on here who understand which is not very often people understand what you're going through It's nice  to know you're not alone . I am new on here so please talk to me I'm going through the waiting process of IVF anyone in the same situation I'm still waiting for my referral letter. Thank you Belle


----------



## Ana-b

Hi im totally new to this and 2 weeks into our 1ivf cycle,  reading that description, has summoned me up to perfection,  and made me cry my eye out again!!!, its sort of nice to know that some one knows how I feel, not that I would  want some one to feel as I feel as its horrible, thank you.
xx


----------



## nejma

So true all of it. Never knew it would be such a lonely frustrating journey. Being 40 doesn't help...feel like I should of gone for it ages ago, but couldn't didn't have the right man in my life. Hey ho, fingers crossed for all of us, hope our dreams come true!


----------



## oldmamagoodmama

to this phantastic list of words, i would add UNJUST. 

for some reason, that was how i was feeling most of the time while TTC, 
missunderstood,
deprived,
insulted by the Universe...


----------



## Joolz2014

Psyching myself up to go back to work after our 1st attempt at ici failed, have been feeling all of these emotions this weekend, and reading those words describes exactly my state of mind at this moment! Just had a friendly text from a friend at work to let me know another colleague at work announced she was pregnant last week! Something else I'm use to deep breath and fake smile!


----------



## Rosebud2b

Yep that's it all in a nut shell.  And maybe grief, grief for the straight forward natural conception that's been taken away 
We will keep on hoping our dream will one day come through


----------



## londonzekeling

I am new to this forum and after 2 failed IUI, 1 successful IVF that led to miscarriage at week 11 and 1 failed IVF (just learned on Monday), I am so glad to read this here and know that this ridiculous range of emotion I am feeling is NORMAL!
Thank you thank you thank you.


----------



## robandkaz

Makes a superb read thank you


----------



## Lauradrksn489

Wraakgodin said:


> I found this recently, and thought it would be useful to post it here.
> 
> 
> Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:
> 
> 1. *Lonely *
> We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.
> 
> It's okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.
> 
> 2. *Exposed *
> Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: "You just need to stop trying so hard!" Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you're doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you're trying, people want to know how it's going, if you've done artificial insemination, if you'd consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair and the bad magazines.
> 
> It's okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).
> 
> 3. *On Hold
> *We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we're pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a "what if."
> 
> It's okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can't plan anything. We even found that it's good to take a month off now and then.
> 
> 4. *Invaded *
> For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you've started down this road, there's no stopping until you get pregnant.
> 
> It's okay to say what you need, and it's okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.
> 
> 5. *Awkward *
> During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, "What are you doing here?" I mean, what do you say?
> 
> It's okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that's all you can do.
> 
> 6. *Angry*
> Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. "No!" she blurted. "I'm angry at pregnant women!" She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. There are many other sources of anger that you can explore. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.
> 
> It's okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you're terribly embarrassed about, because it's good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.
> 
> 7. *Stressed *
> Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to "not be so stressed about it" never worked for us. It also didn't help to "just stop trying." Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.
> 
> It's okay to be stressed. Don't stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.
> 
> 8. *Despair*
> The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was two days late, and just knowing that this time, it's going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got "it," I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn't get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn't happen, keep crying. It's too hard to pretend that you're not excited and that you're not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
> 
> It's okay to hope, and it's okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.
> 
> 9. *Loss*
> This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don't know how it will end.
> 
> It's okay if you don't know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.
> 
> 10. *Ambivalence *
> Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad? And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.
> 
> It's okay to want and not want. That's normal.
> 
> If you're struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.
> 
> My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.
> 
> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-wiens/infertility-words_b_3319325.html


Thank you for this! Feels like a great burden has been lifted from me. Do you have more links like this? Thanks


----------



## DizziSquirrel

Lauradrksn489 said:


> Thank you for this! Feels like a great burden has been lifted from me. Do you have more links like this? Thanks


the site is full of information and support, if you would like to post an introduction here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=10.0

You will be sure to find many who understand and can help support you on your journey


----------



## Lauradrksn489

DizziSquirrel said:


> Lauradrksn489 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for this! Feels like a great burden has been lifted from me. Do you have more links like this? Thanks
> 
> 
> 
> the site is full of information and support, if you would like to post an introduction here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=10.0
> 
> You will be sure to find many who understand and can help support you on your journey
Click to expand...

Thank you soo much! I'm glad to have joined this forum. I'm not good at introductions but I'll be sure to make one. It hasn't been that long but I'm already learning a lot here.


----------



## amrssmith

Found this so helpful - thank you


----------



## Sarahgrace

On hold pretty much sums it up. everything seems to stop because of the what ifs. Fingers crossed for this round of clomid.


----------



## Weeza

I'm new to all this so I'd like to add FRUSTRATED to the list! Its nice to be part of something where everyone understands though


----------



## Kesakuu

Just found this post and I think they're accurate and there will be many more to add. It's also a journey where we learn about both how the world works and about ourselves as individuals & a couple (if you go through the journey with your partner).

Thanks for the share!


----------



## Mariposa15

Thank you for posting this. It is well said. I would also add JUDGED to the list.


----------



## amber-ruby

love this article, made me feel a bit more normal x


----------



## amber-ruby

HELPLESS would be one that I would add


----------



## Evie777

Perfectly sums up all feelings and thoughts.


----------



## campba01

This is just what I needed to read! It has made me feel so much better and I have felt all of this. Thank you 😀


----------



## Ashavaanmrsg

My first reply on here, this needed a mention even though it is an older post as this really does hit the nail on the head...thank you!


----------



## Hunny B

This is my first post, I had to respond and you are just spot on!  I have been doing some writing about my journey so you have inspired me also - thank you so much for affirming all those emotions and feelings!


----------



## pharmacyqueen14

Hi all

What you have just written is exactly how I feel. I feel like a complete failure not only as a wife but as a woman, I thought naively that all you would need to do to get pregnant was to have unprotected sex but no. 
Am currently waiting to see a fertility specialist so actually have no idea why we haven't been able to get pregnant fingers crossed that they are able to help us.
Finding this site has made me feel less alone as most people who ask why we haven't started a family yet just give us that look.


----------



## Sam91

<3


----------

