# Angry!!!!



## juicy10 (Mar 16, 2008)

I don't know where to vent........so I have used this space to save my family having to deal with this.


Ive just got off the phone with my wife and all I did was shout at her!!
My journey..............I have had 4 IUI since September the last try resulted in a confirmed pregnancy mid-May. This lasted 8 weeks as the baby's heart stopped and on 22June I went into hospital to have medical management. 


My plan was to return to work when I was 12 weeks so I could keep it a secret (I am rubbish at keeping things to myself) that would have been w/c16 June.



Tomorrow I am returning to work and my head is so messed up, I should have been able to tell people..'hey Im pregnant!' but I have to return to my stressful call centre job with about 3 pregnant women on my team and I don't know if I can deal with it.


Presently one minute I'm crying and next I'm angry.


AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. I wish these feelings and thoughts would go away so I can get on with everything. I dont want to forget the baby I almost had but I want to pain and confusion to go so I can plan the future again and deal with people around me.


Sorry for anyone reading this but I needed to write it down and try and get it out


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

HI there

You sound like you are going through something similar to me   I am now back at work after a mmc at 9-10 weeks, I eventually went back to work after 2 and a half weeks when I should have been able to tell people my news but it wasn't meant to be! It is totally normal to feel this way and I have been taking it out on my lovely boyfriend so its all part of the grieving process. Hopefully your wife will understand, but try and rememeber it was her baby too so she is probably feeling terrible also.

Why don't you come over to the Pregnancy loss board, we are all going through the same as you so we can all offer you lots of support and advice over there until you feel better again.

Take care x


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## juicy10 (Mar 16, 2008)

Thanks. I didn't really know where to go. I thought I was stronger but today I feel like anything will send me over the edge


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Really small baby steps each day, you'll get there x


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Juicy,

you sound like how I feel. One minute I feel that I am coping, then I just start crying randomly, then I get really angry (I wanted to throttle a lady in Sainsburys the other day who was complaining and making a big fuss that the doughnuts were all different sizes, I mean, really  ) Of course I didn't throttle her, I took it out on DH instead. That's what we do, take our anger out on our loved ones instead. I guess your wife is feeling the same too, so she will inderstand.

Going back to work will be hard but may help in the respect that it will give you something else to focus on even if just for a few hours. Does your boss know what has happened? so if it gets too much to start with you can have time out.

Don't apologise for getting angry, like Artypants says, come over to the pregnancy loss board and you can get support and vent when it all gets too much.

Take care

Barbs x


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## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Hi Juicy, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss   your reaction to the pg ladies at work is totally understandable   . I'm sure your wife understands why you have taken it out on her, we always seem to shout at the ones closet to us   . Here is the link the Pg Loss board that the other ladies suggested http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=12.0

Shelley xx


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## juicy10 (Mar 16, 2008)

Thanks for showing your support. I did go back to work on Wed and ended up in hysterics. I work in a call centre and was expected to go straight back on the phones after 11 wks out of work, that shattered me as I went on melt down and repeated over and over 'I cant do it, I cant do it'. Eventually the manager got it through his thick head that I needed to be there but didn't have the confidence to throw myself back in so he allowed me to sit with a colleague and listen to the calls so I can remember what needs done depending on the call.


I still feel very overwhelmed with emotion though, today I'm feeling really low and my head feels a mess...............and i don't know how to sort it out..


We have a 3yr daughter who is pushing all the buttons and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to deal with the loss, I'm trying to deal with my anger, I'm trying to keep my relationship working, I'm trying to be a mum but I don't feel like I have anytime to be me. 
We don't have much support where we live as our families live in a different part of the country, my closest friend is pregnant and her and her wife are always doing something.............aqua-natal classes, parent classes, cinema, going for meals so me and my wife don't have time to get things back to normal and I feel as is we aren't a couple anymore and just flow through each day sleeping in the same bed/eating in the same house.


We are going to move to be nearer family but that in itself is putting strain on us, yet we are persuing it thinking that once we are over near family then we can get everything back to normal...........happy marriage, settle homelife etc....................what if we don't make it! I feel I could just run away today and not look back..............I know Ill probably feel different tomorrow but I still have to get through today.


Wish someone could wave a magic wand and make everything better because I don't know where to start!!


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## b&amp;l (Oct 8, 2009)

you are grieving hunni, adn anger is a perfectly normal and acceptable part of the grief cycle, allow yourself the time to experience it dont try n supress it.  take your time n dont put a time limit on your grief, it is yours n personal to you. x


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## juicy10 (Mar 16, 2008)

Oh god today was one of the worst. I completely melted down today         


I think I am starting to lose it, the other day I ended up putting the milk in the cupboard, today i realised I had contacts in and I couldn't remember when I last put them in..................... I'm so scared!! I don't know how/why I'm getting like this. Ive dealt with pain, hurt and loss before so why am I going insane


Its little things that seem to be tipping me over the edge...............I got stuck at work for an hour over my finish time and no manager came and asked you ok?, you need a hand?.....................nothing!!!


Everyone just seems to think that I am ok and everything is back to normal because I've gone back to work but it just seems to make me feel worse. I hate the comments that the little few who knew give me like its good to see your back to normal, or try again it will be fine, or I know its hard but you'll get there.................I just want to scream out at them!!


The anger tonight is so high and I want to break out, lash out.......................something................anything to get it out but on the flip side I don't have the motivation to do anything.


I'm so glad at least I have here to write my thoughts, my feelings.....................to get something out even if its just a small part.


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

I've got no advice sweetheart, sorry.  It just hurts doesn't it. 

Have you tried counselling? I haven't used it much but some people really get a lot from it.

Take care 

S xxx


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## juicy10 (Mar 16, 2008)

Complete fail!!! Ive been signed off work and now I'm on antidepressants. Thought I was meant to be going upwards and instead I'm going downwards.


My head is mush and I cant seem to focus. The other morning I was doing my eyebrows and wondered why my eyes kept feeling funny............turns out I had contacts in but I cant remember actually putting them in so god knows how long they were there and I had been wearing my glasses the previous days!!! 


I feel like I'm going insane, I thought i was fine, i don't understand what is happening to me. I know that Ive gone through a bad time but i don't understand how that can cause such an impact that I'm not even aware of!!!


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Juicy,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling    . Sometimes the only way to go upwards is to go a bit more downwards first. You have taken a positive step in that you have realised the situation you are in and dealt with it by seeing your doctor and taking time out.

Have you asked your doctor about counselling? It can be a big help for some and help you to focus your feelings (it has helped me in the past). 

Take it easy on yourself and don't feel that you are failure for feeling like this, you're grieving and there is no time limit on grief  

Barbs x


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