# Welcome to this new board



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Dear members,

This is a new board specially created for those of you who are contemplating what you will do next with regard to your infertility journey.  If you are reading this board then you are someone who may fall into one of the following categories:

This is your last go at tx - for whatever reason
You are wondering if theres one more thing you could possibly try to get that BFP eg immune testing/pgd etc
You cant do another tx - but are considering adoption/fostering/surrogacy

I really hope this board provides a place where you can ask questions and find an alternative "something" to help you make your decision whether to continue on your current path - or to take a slight detour  

Good luck to you all - I am sending you all     

Love

Debs xxx


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## Katht (Dec 12, 2009)

Thanks for this forum as I was feeling a bit lost of where to post at present.  I had a 2nd m/c on Friday after 4th IVF with immune meds.  We have a review appt on 21st so will have to wait to see what is said.  DH adamant he wants to continue treatment but not sure if I can find the strength to carry on.  Always thought I would be a Mum and not sure how I will find the courage to say enough is enough and live with that decision especially after being pregnant twice.  I know it is early days and not good to make a decision at present but scared about what the future holds.  Definately do not want to adopt as DH already has children and he is 55 so I think he is too old!  I wanted to have a biological child together.  Would be great to talk to people in the same boat as feeling lost at the mo.  Take care Kath x


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## shortbutsosweet (Feb 14, 2011)

Hi
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Katht.
I am still trying with my partner to decide what to do after some disappointing sperm analysis.  We have yet to have treatment. This newboard is a great idea, for me I am in a dilema and it will be interesting to see other points of view with such difficult decisions.


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## Zenita (Jun 30, 2011)

I’m pleased to see this new board for people wrestling with the ‘what next?’ decision. I’m new to FF, and I posted Decisions, decisions – what now? under the Moving On board a few days ago, but this seems a better place to chat with people in a similar position. 

Kath – so sorry about your m/cs – how truly awful for you.  I can understand why you’re not sure if you have the strength to carry on, and it’s totally your decision, but you may feel stronger in a few months. It took me a year to be ready to have another try after my DE cycle failed – it would be so much easier if there was just some way of knowing if it was ever going to work (I’ve never been pregnant, so I don’t know whether there is something that will always prevent implantation or if I’ve just been unlucky so far), but all we have are statistics and our own instincts to go on.

Everything is still a bit raw for me at the moment – it’s just over a week since our last ICSI treatment failed – but because I feel I’m against the clock I feel under pressure to think through next steps and make decisions fast. It’s frustrating because so far we have tried one thing at a time, and now that 4 IVF/ ICSI cycles haven’t worked I’m kicking myself for not having pursued adoption in parallel (although I think its generally frowned upon to be pursuing both avenues at the same time). And when my original clinic waved me off for a DE cycle abroad, I can’t understand why they didn’t put me on their UK waiting list at the same time (I didn’t think to ask for this because I wasn’t thinking about the DE cycle failing ) – you just seem to have to start from square one every time something goes wrong. And I don’t really know whether to believe the roughly 50% success rate for donor egg ivf – has anyone found any convincing figures for donor egg success rates for women over 40?

Have given some serious thought to adoption – feels like a very long road to go down, but possibly with a higher chance of success. And having thought through all the different reasons for why I want a family, adoption would satisfy an awful lot of them – I would just miss out on those very early years.

Have also been thinking through what my life would be like if we don’t have children together (DH has 2 lovely daughters – I got to know them as teenagers). If that’s where we end up, I’ll need to find a way of coming to terms with it, as I’m not cut out to be miserable for the rest of my life – but that is easier said than done.

I’ve bought a selection of books on adoption and living without children – I’ll let you know if any of them help.

Take care,
Zenita,
Xx


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## Katht (Dec 12, 2009)

Shortbutsosweet I hope you are working through what to do after the results of the sperm analysis?  Zenita this journey is certainly a tough one.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have managed to get pregnant twice through this IVF journey but still no baby!!  Have you looked into the immunology side of things?  I certainly belive there is something in it!  DH really wants to go for another immune cycle will have to wait to see what happens at our review on the 21st.  Not sure that I am ready to give up but not sure I ever will be so how do you make the decision not to go again?!  I still feel quite numb ans sad feel I want to cry but can't weird feeling.  It will be interesting to know what your books say.  I don't think I want to go down the adoption route and I think DH is too old at 55.  He already has 3 grown up children so we are a large family but it is not the same as having a biological child together.  Take care Kath x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Girls im really glad this board will be of help to you - im sad to see you here if you know what I mean but I do hope you find some direction  

The board as you know is new and therefore might be a bit slow to start but im hoping that others will see it and join in with some helpful bits and pieces.

If you want to start a new thread for yourself then by all means please do  

I wish you well and send lots of    

Love

Debs xxx


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## Zenita (Jun 30, 2011)

Hi, hope you’ve had at least one good thing happen today – sometimes you have to hang onto the bright spots in a bleak day – they do make it worthwhile  

Shortbutsosweet – if this is really your one shot at ivf/icsi, do try to get as much tangible information from your clinic on how to maximize the chance of success in your particular circumstances . Good luck by the way, as it is a bit of a maze to work through, but if for example using donor sperm increased the odds by x% you’d probably want to know that in advance rather than after your treatment, and its worth having the discussion with your partner now. I know it’s not an easy discussion – but nor is having a one and only treatment cycle and then wishing you’d done something different – that’s not easy for you or your partner. You’re young enough to take some time to work through what’s right for both of you – I’m happy to discuss further via PM if it would be helpful to discuss the whole donor conundrum (this wasn’t where I started, but I got my head around donor egg pretty well when compared with the alternative . . . tried it and failed (unfortunately), then my next consultant advised me I’d gone down the donor egg route too young and I should consider a ‘throw every thing at it cycle’ (maximum drugs, DHEA, etc) before doing donor egg again). And now the ‘throw everything at it cycle’ has failed I’m kicking myself for not just doing another donor egg cycle this time as I had got it all square in my head re the genetic thing, and I now feel I’ve wasted a lot of time, money and emotion on a cycle that probably had a 10-15% chance of success at best. Where are the actuarial tables and proper statistics for IVF / ICSI in different circumstances? It’s so hard to make an informed decision – seems crazy when you think of how many cycles there have been over the last few decades!

Kath – I am so sorry for what you’ve been through  – it seems so cruel to miscarry having got through the initial pregnancy hurdle – I hope you have some great people helping you through this. I haven’t really looked into immunology before, and the little I’ve read tonight looks pretty scary. Are you able to share your experiences on the immunology side of things? On the adoption front, I saw that as a pretty insurmountable mountain last year, but this time I feel much more positive about adoption as a way of building a family that could well be right for me and any adopted children –although it does require a significant mindset change. I do know several people who have adopted successfully (that helps), and when I feel a bit stronger, I’ll talk to them about their experiences. From my initial research into adoption it may be worth having a conversation with your local agency – the focus these days seems to be more on your health and fitness rather than just how old you or your partner are. It might be worth doing the initial exploration so that you can rule it in or out as an option based on the latest practices. You have to do what feels right for you though, and no-one else’s opinion matters really. Will let you know how I get on with the books.

Wishing you a good weekend - nearly there! 

Zenita
Xx


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## Katht (Dec 12, 2009)

Zenita it looks as though you couldn't sleep last night either judging by the time you posted!!  I had a rubbish night woke up at 3 and then was in floods of tears woke up poor DH who then was late for work this morning!  With regards to immunology some clinics do not recognise it as they feel not enough research been done.  We had a consultation at Nottingham who specialise in implantation failure and it all made sense to us.  They talk about a woman's immune system attacking the embryos as a foreign object.  The inital tests are £2000 and they go off to Chicago.  They found that I had some blood clotting issues and also that we have a similar gene called DQ Alpha which means that my immune system does not put a protective coating around the embryo and thus my body attacks it!  I think! Still difficult to get my head around.  This I think would account for my m/cs as well. Will see what they say at our review.  They have been having some real success you could have a look at the Care website.  I have also got a book called "Is your Body Baby Friendly"by Alan Beer who was the pioneer for all of the immunology stuff.  Take care Kath x


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

Girls, life is so very cruel, and find myself asking why?? as i'm sure we all do,  we are last chance saloon 3rd and final tx, august 2011??.x


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## sosad (Mar 26, 2007)

Hello everyone!

Hope I can join you, finally got to that place where I need to think about moving on but can't quite...

I am very lucky to have my daughter after 10+ years and 2 x m/c, and was ecstatic to find out I was pg again last March.  However again it was not to be   .

My consultant was less than positive and basically said I should "draw a line under it" and move on, as I would be self funding this time and it would use all my savings for one IVF was totally devastated.

Part of me thinks that I should start looking to the future as a family of 3 without all the stress that this journey has caused.  Then I start to cry when I get yet another "totally unexpected" pregnancy announcement, or get bitterly jealous when I see people who were at my baby groups with their second - or see the neighbours kids playing together in their paddling pool and thinking my daughter will never know that......... and think I'm no-where near ready to give up.

Sorry for the "me" post am having a very     day.

Hi to everyone and hope you are having a more positive day than me!


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

Sosad- Its so hard excepting a family of 3 when you really want it to be 4 or 5, my daughter is 10, and we still hope for a brother or sister, never though she would be an only child this long. Only you and partner can decide weather to carry on or not. hope you feeling a bit better hun.x


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## shortbutsosweet (Feb 14, 2011)

Hi ladies,
Just a little update, I am seriously considering donor eggs due my age and rob ably abroad due to the wait over here and the issues around annonymity just need to dicuss with partner.


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## ANGELA29A (Jun 7, 2010)

Shortbutsweet- im sure its no easy decision to make, take time. we are all here for you.xx


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## shortbutsosweet (Feb 14, 2011)

thanks angela and ladies
lots of discussions with my partner re egg donation which will dramatically increase or chances of a baby if we agree to it.
i joined a thread for egg donors and have found that very useful.  A  lot to think about but feel that as i only have one chance at icsi i really need to give it my best shot.


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