# Which roundabout exit is it today then.....



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi luvlies, 

I don't know where I got this from, but somewhere in the mass of couseling reading / training I have done, I picked up the phrase, 'your thoughts are not you, they are just thoughts', the suggestion being that they pass through your head like clouds accross the sky, and it's up to you whether you grab hold of them or let them go by.

What am I going on about?

There are moments where I exit the roundabout heading towards Gloomy town; like yesterday, where I got a hugely unhelpful and under-detailed letter from the NHS consultant who analysed my baby's remains that contained the phrase 'An abnormality has been detected'. Does this mean that the baby just wasn't developing right, or that me and DH's genes won't ever mix well enough to get the potion right? The point is that this sent me off on a windy path of thought that passed by 'Am I fooling myself (and everyone else) about my capacity to move on and be child free?' or 'I've not even begun to face this' etc etc ad nauseum....

Then there are other moments, like this morning, where the first thing I do is read a fab pm from emcee that sets me up for the rest of the day, and by 11.30 am I've achieved a million and one things, all of them brilliant, like writing more of the website, finding a venue for the workshops, etc.....!!! Surely I am doing OK if I can find the energy and enthusiasm to achieve ano of this, and be so willing to help others with it? Surely, if I was avoiding my 'reality' I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this stuff?

And all of it is just how I choose to perceive and view the events I am passing through. 

But maybe that's the point. Sometimes you have to think yourself into acting, and at other times, it works better the other way round...

Ramble, ramble, ramble....

So I mean it when I say you are all marvellous, because as emcee proved this morning, one or two well chosen words can make all the difference to how you view those thought-clouds passing through your head!

Confused, you won't be after this week's episode of....


Love, 

MM
x

I know I'm going to read this later and wonder what the hell I was thinking of!


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear MM
I know exactly how you feel!!
You think your plodding along OK then something happens to drag the rug from under you.
If I was you I'd be asking the consultant exactly what "some abnormalities" meant as you need this information!!
If I'd got a letter like that it would have sent me into an absolute spin!!
I'm in a spin-place myself at the moment. My only sanity is knowing that it will not go on for ever!!
(sorry re exclamation marks. I'm actually in NZ and it's 2.40am in the morning and I can't sleep)

Lots love Jo/Emma


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jo, 

I will be finding out in a couple of hours what the letter meant, but till then I'm spinning, to use your analogy. 

I hope your spinning stops soon. 

Get some kip!!!!!!

Love MM XXX


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

MM 

It still angers and upsets me that sending a letter worded in such a way can be excused as some sort of explanation.  How the hell were you supposed to deal with that?  I think you are so brave to constantly confront your demons and speak up for yourself, I tend to let things go (ostrich syndrome) to save myself more upset.

You are a kind, supportive lady who gives so much to everyone else, you really deserve better.  I hope someone explains exactly what what meant so that you can begin to deal with it.

Thinking of you
Nix
x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear MM

I along with Nixnoo agree, how could someone have the inteligence to write and send a letter to someone with the explanation that you received? Infact there was no explanation, but a letter that was full of open ended questions that could infact lead you off into different tangents? Also to cause much added pain and stress that you both are already having to deal with. I hope that the explanation that you do get, will ease the pain and help you deal with your loss..I am so sorry for the both of you. You are one great person, who has the strength and ability to recognise your own stengths and channel them into something positive. You would be infact a wonderful person who would be so right for organising these workshops. I think it is an outlet for you, to put your skills to great practice and i am sure you are able to recognise what is right for you to do. So no doubts yourself and get going Girl!! 
Concerning the comment 'are you fooling yourself? you are not doing that at all?. Its all part of our own path and experience that we all have individually walk along. At this moment you have had to face something you never expected and that must have knocked you so back. It then sends you off on spins with a load of different thoughts. I can understand you trying to look at the child free status and am i kidding myself? That is a hard one to swallow, because i think its not just about one factor, its alist of so many others. I also think it takes time and if you are hurting at the moment, its something that will just add to the pressure of your recent loss. Infact i am confused about what i am trying to say . I think what i am trying to say it is a slow progress, because realisation and hope is something we hold onto. When we think about the down side of IF, any thoughts comes with a bunch of feelings. Maybe its best to take a step back because you haven't stop hurting about the most recent loss. I am sorry if i am sounding patronising..
A very interesting Title 'which roundabout exit is it today...then...I have never thought about it like this before. You can wake going round and around on one exit and not able to take the turning off. Then as you say something like Emcee or one of the girls, can write something or make you laugh and then you drive on and feel a lot better. Infact getting to another destination that doesn't seem so dreary as it did first thing in the morning.
You are a great girl, just be kind to yourself..
lots of love astridx
p.s Jo - i hope you are feeling alittle better?


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Thanks Nix and Astrid, 

I've just got back from the doctors, where for once I saw a GP who gets how appalling this stuff is, and had a made a double appointment to give me time to talk and listen. Although it doesn't sound great, the outcome is actually, in terms of the future, probably the best we could have got. The baby had turner's syndrome; 80% of miscarriages are caused by a 'random' chromosomal abnormality the most common of which is turner's. 99% of babies with turner's m/c early. And, most importantly, it does not mean that Nick and I are chromosomally incompatible. We're not trying to be pregnant anymore, but now we have to live with the slim (oh, so very slim) possibility of it happening like this time, knowing that we are not doomed to m/c every time is very reassuring. There's more tests to come back, but the specialist (the private one, not the hopeless NHS lot) was convinced that this would be the problem, and he has answers and ways forward for us, thank goodness.

Phew!

Thanks very much for your kind words, positive thoughts, and for being annoyed on my behalf!

Love, 

MM xxx

PS Astrid, you should  see the website I'm putting together - will let you know when it's live!!!!


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

How about this for a thought cloud, your consultant is a prize prat.

You could reply thanking him for crystallising the issue for you as up to the receipt of his letter you'd been thinking the most likely cause was spontaneous combustion and it's such a relief to now be sooo well informed.

Thank goodness for sympathetic GPs!

flipper


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Yet another laugh out loud moment from Flipper!!!!!

Cheers hun, MM X


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

MM

I'm so glad you've found a GP that has some understanding and is giving you time and explanations.  I've found alot of the time all I've ever really wanted is explanations, good or bad it's the not knowing that I find difficult to deal with as it always leaves you feeling what if or why.

Much love
Nix


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi MM,

So glad you have had some answers now, I know how important it feels to have some sort of reasons given.

Sorry to hear that like Nix, you have been dealing with medical profession insensitivity. I remain so gobsmaked each time I hear of it.

The other day I heard somebody say, "No don't take care! Take a risk!" It really made me smile. So often we say "Take care" when maybe a bit of (calculated) risk taking is more life-affirming. I think this is what your new venture is about. Plan, yes, get support, yes, but.....

*Take a risk!*

Love Jq


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Pleased you got some answers MM,xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

MM - I am so sorry you had to read the contents of a letter that were clearly composed by a prize pilchard - my logic being an ordinary pilchard would have had more empathy towards you...

So often when people lose babies they need to know, to understand why this happened to them. Sometimes there isn't an answer, but often there is...  to seek these answers is one tiny way of us helping to ease our grief over our loss.

Thank heavens you have had some answers to what was to my mind a very patronising way of putting things and an insult to your intelligence in that letter - I'm sure it must have left you posing even more questions! Am so glad you were able to glean some information from a sensitive dr but appreciate that even though it may not have been what you wanted to hear or a shock to you at least you can move on a little with the knowledge that you have learned.

So my lovely inspiring lady... onwards and upwards for you... but its ok to spiral downwards sometimes too. 

Holding you very close & sending you a very tight squeezy hug
Emcee xxx

ps, I should mention that it was lovely to receive a lovely inspiring PM from you also


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