# Can I face any more tx? What is it doing to my DD?



## VesperPea (May 6, 2010)

I want another child. I want another baby more than anything on the planet other than the safety and health of my gorgeous DD. I have had 5xFETs and a fresh ICSI, with no frosties, since she was born and I hate that I am a grumpy moo when I'm on tx and that I am so down after every failure. I hate that I can't be happy with my lot. I can't stand that I am so low and cut up when my heart lifts everytime I look at my beautiful girl and I'd hate for her to see me so upset and wonder if it's her fault. But I want another baby so so so much. As much as before I had my DD. I would start adoption tomorrow but I am 35, undiagnosed, have a good egg stash and am a good responder so there is every thing in my favour for another pg apart from it's not deleted happening. And we've had 6 x tx since she was born. Am I missing out on her in the pursuit of a sibling that may never happen? What about the money? We're on a 6 month break from tx and I'm not meant to be thinking about it but I have all baby stuff and clothes and kit in the house and nowhere to hide it and I can't chuck it if there might be another one. I'm just going nuts over here and wondered if anyone else was in loopy la la land as well?


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## FlyingCat (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi There,

While we've not had anywhere near the number of TX you have I think I know a little of how you feel. I desperately want another baby to complete my family and our recent failed cycle has hit me for 6.

Didn't want to read and run - huge hugs to you.

One thing I did since our failed cycle is start to sit back and imagine a future if I never had another child - I'd never done that before. To start with that made me feel awful like all my dreams had been wiped out but as time has gone on I've been realizing how good what I have now is. For example with only one child I can offer her so much more than if everything is shared between two. I think I am now coming to terms that there is more than one good future out there for me.

I'm sure it's different for everyone but for me I found it helpful to realize that the uncertainty of "will it work one day" was contributing to how bad I was feeling. Realizing that there was a future ahead which will be a happy one, whether a future treatment works or doesn't really helped me to feel better. It doesn't mean that I don't still want to try again but I'm finding it takes the pressure off. We also still have good and bad days ("This too shall pass" - the parents mantra!)

As to whether this effects your DD - we worry about that too but then we can't wrap children in cotton wool forever. I think provided we make sure our DDs get lots of cuddles and we talk to them about why mummy (and Daddy?) are sad then they are very resilient and will cope. 

As with most things now that I have a daughter I'm finding that I have to change my pace of life - I can't do as much as before I had a child as there isn't time with looking after her. Before DD I'd have been aiming to have TXs as quickly together as possible all too aware of the ticking biological clock, now we're choosing to space out our treatments. This means that we minimize the impacts on DD and make it easier for us as a family to get through it. Your six month break sounds like a really good idea. Even if emotionally it isn't a lot easier it will at least give your DD a break and time with you. 

I was speaking with a Muggle (non fertility challenged) friend recently who claimed that she misses the time she was able to spend with "Just her big boy" before her second child came along. I don't mean to sound like one of those muggles who talk about "How lucky people without children are because they get lie ins and don't have to think about babysitters" cos we all know the wanting a child is heart breaking and it's a price well worth paying, but just to remind that it taking longer to conceive a second child has some positives too.

Practically speaking, have your clinic given any suggestions as to why those cycles may have failed? DH and I discussed that the reason we are keen to keep going is that we feel we can change the factors that meant it didn't work before. I'm not sure how much I'd be happy to just put down to bad luck. Perhaps talk to your consultant and ask for what can be done differently next time or perhaps consider a different clinic.

Also there's no harm in seriously investigating adoption at the same time as considering more tx. There are plusses to adopting so you aren't short changing anyone by chosing this option, indeed you'd be giving a child a great opportunity to be loved that way too.

Much love and sympathy. I hope your journey to complete your family ends soon whatever happens next.


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## VesperPea (May 6, 2010)

Flying cat thank you for your insight. I think that because the last tx was meant to be the last and I was all psyched up to start the adoption process, I am struggling with getting my head anywhere helpful. But it's nice that my dh can't quite give up yet. All your arguments are familiar but as I said before I just want another baby - I have a friend with 3 and tubes clipped due to a too thin lining to risk any more, who can't stop wanting more kids. The maternal urge sometimes remains as strong and mad... I think it's even stronger than before for me as I love being a parent so much - the irony is not lost on me. I think if we had had a different journey, I would have wanted a football team and definitely adopted as well. I love a house full of noise and people and mess. My family just doesn't feel complete yet. I am undiagnosed after every possible test - the consultants I have seen have all said, you should be getting pg with these results but we're just not. The embryos we create have been top grade, defrosted perfectly, expanded perfectly. Everything says I should be able to have a second child except reality.


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