# How to minimise inner fears ???



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Well girls-has anyone any ideas on how to do this Fear for the future / fear having to meet babies/ christenings etc/ work

I was off work on Fri and Mon and i suppose had time to think(bad idea!) but as i said to dh last night i feel that i am always living in fear.

At the moment it is fear of stepdaughter AND sister getting pg. Stepdaughter is at the age for all that and lets just say she has always been easily led.(Astrid you know my fear on that score from my pm's).i keep thinking that there is always something to overcome.

Last year i finally managed to go to a family do with 2 of dh's nieces for Gods sake!! One 6 mths pg(then sa her again at 8mths) and the other who had her 5mth baby with her.But it just seems that every year there is another bloody hurdle to face.

I keep thinking if my sister gets pg(and in a way i wish she would just do it so i can worry about something else!!!) thats that ,but i really couldnt handle the dd getting pg!!! (Dydie knew about this) but theres not much i can do about other people is there?.I feel worried a lot but try to keep it under wraps most of the time.

I also was off a few days in Oct, Dec and last week(always my worst periods of the year) and worried that i have left myself no more days this year if something else goes wrong!!! sometimes I wonder if I am able to stick teaching for another 15 yrs (at least) but i know that at least it is permanent and if i was to leave i would be very unlikely to get as well paid a job with the holidays.And I wouldnt be able to go on holiday or have the nice house i do.

Please help-has anyone got any strategies for this.I think its worse because i KNOW i will have more hurdles every year for the next 5 at least with all my siblings getting married and stepdaughter which could happen to her any year. I cannot avoid these people in my life so how do i get round this.
xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Irisheyes - I think we all have these thoughts.  I think we get round them or resign ourself to them by doing exactly what you have done and thinking about it now.  It's another preparation thing isn't it.  

Personally it was easier for me with my sisters as I am the youngest so they'd already started their families before we tried (although one sister did go on to have another unplanned baby while we were going through treatment), however, I have 3 neices, 2 of which are of 'that age' where they could get pg.  One, particularly I have singled out probably unfairly.  If she gets pg I will be cross because I know it will just be cos she thinks it's an easy option rather than getting herself together.  

My nephew is now on his 2nd baby, I just stay away really, probably not the right strategy but works for me - I can't keep up with them all now there seems to be so many!

People just don't realise when we jolly along our merry ways pretending to be ok that actually inside we are SCREAMING at the entire flippin world wanting to get off cos we are faced with yet another hurdle in life, much more than most.  Sorry rambling.

As for your work, please don't give up teaching if it's a job you love, sadly these feelings will be with you even if you change the type of work you do.

I think you're coping wonderfully by thinking about it now and trying to prepare yourself, it must be so difficult for you especially having a stepdaughter. 

I wish I could take your pain and worry away for you.

Much love
Nix
xx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Irish xxx

Just want to say how much I understand, as of course we all do. 

Unfortunately I don't think I have any thing practical or constructive to suggest as I am still battling so much with this one myself.  The only thing I can suggest is that in a book of mine about coping with infertility the author talks about how people can get themselves in a spiral of anxiety about something that may not have/may never happen. She calls it 'a goose in a jar' (not quite sure why...think its cos you just would never get a goose into a jar!!!!!!    ) She basically susggest the obvious, that everytime you start getting stressed and anxious about the future or about something that you think may have happened, you remind yourself that you could be worrying needlessly.  It sounds a bit obvious advice, but actually I have found it quite helpful as I am a born worrier. If I catch myself out thinking 'why is so and so drinking soft drinks...she must be pg' or 'why haven't I heard from so an so, she must be pg' (etc etc) I stop myself and say....its a goose in a jar......I'm running away with myself.

Not sure how helpful this is for this particular situ, as I undertsand that feeling of KNOWING your sister is going to get pg, its just a question of when. but maybe it would help to remind yourslef you really don't know when...it could happen quickly, or it could take months...or as we all know, years, or not at all. 

Sorry this is probaly really [email protected] advice, and hope it doesnt sound patronising, but ts sort of how I cope myself.... just keep telling myself theres no point getting worked up yet.

Needless to say, I still do!  

Sorry for the rambling rubbish advice. Nix put it so much better. Staying away is my strategy too but I understand that its not always an option with fanily members...sisters....cousins..... 

lots of love to you
Ermey xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey Irish, 

I think you've raised a very important issue that every single one of us faces at some time or another. You've already had a lot of good advice, so I'm not sure I can add too much, except...
One thing I do is have a worry hour in the day, and if I start worrying at any other time, I rmind myself that I'm not allowed to worry till that time, and bizarrely, when I get to that time, I rarely feel like worrying! Also, if this issue of worrying is growing larger on your horizon and becoming a significant problem, you could try a book called Self Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It was written a long time ago, and is aimed primarily at people who are experiencing anxiety and stress, and the logic and simplicity and direct-ness of the writing always really helps me. Or, for all its American-ness, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (can't think of the author right now but would come up easily on Amazon) is a real help when facing an issue where you have a sneaking suspicion that they only way round is through, but you don't know where to start. Lastly, when your feeling calm, you could also have a go at making a list of the tactics you'd like to empoy when the worry comes on, and keep it somewhere accessible. 

Take care of you, you will get there and be OK, 

Love, 

Leoarna xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes,

This is certainly a difficult one to face isn't it? 

My brothers are both younger than me and have not yet had children, but the one who married this year is talking about it and the other looks like settling down after his current travel. The oldest is late 40's and the youngest early 30's. I kind of wish they had got on with it sooner so I could get this out of the way. Anyway I don't really know how I will cope, let you know. I do know that when the oldest and his then girlfriend announced "You are going to be an auntie!" I just said "Congrats" and not much else. I think I managed to ask how many weeks and that sort of thing and to fix a smiling type of grimace onto my face. I then got drunk (we were at a fiesta) and ended up crying and blurting out "I don't want to be an auntie, I want to be a mum!" (Sadly A had a miscarriage at around 3 months and did not try again - it had been unplanned and she decided to return to her studies as she had actually been intending to do.)

I have coped with other people's pregnancies and small children over time. I did avoid at first, then I exposed myself to small doses. Eventually I was able to hold babies and play with small children and I can actually enjoy that now.

I think it is eventually the children who win you over. They are so innocent and they don't know what issues you have faced, so if they decide to like you and want to play they will just draw you in,
totally unselfconsciously. They will take your hand, plonk themselves in your lap and maybe stroke your cheek, certainly smile at you. These are pleasures, but I still sometimes find I have a tear in my eye, and I think that will always be the case.

As we keep reminding ourselves here, IF is a bereavement. Just as widows and widowers eventually get  over the acute stages of grief, we do in time get over the acute stages of IF bereavement. Widows and widowers are encouraged to keep up with friends and family and return to "normal" life. Many of them even manage to enjoy life again. We IF people are capable of doing the same given time and support. But just as people may be reminded of their partner and feel sad many years later, reminders of our unfulfilled dream will stir up our sense of loss. 

One of the difficulties is that other people are not so aware of how tough the bereavement of IF is whereas most people are solicitous of people grieving for a known loved one. I think all we can do to help ourselves with this is to tell the people closest to us how it is. They are the people with the greatest potential to support us - but only if they understand. Unfortunately they are also the people with the greatest potential to hurt us if they don't understand and won't listen. I am afraid your stepdaughter may fall into this category, but I hope your siblings are more mature and sensitive.

I have managed to train my parents at last. They know to say "If P and J have children"
rather than "When" (I go crazy with people who assume it will all come easily!) I am just not sure how I will cope if they do become grandparents and go on about it too much! 

There is a website with a tastefully presented message for people you want to understand your situation.
I heard of it through this site -does anyone know it? "empty arms" is part of the title. Some of it suggests it is from people still trying treatment, but the message is about the difficult journey of IF and a request for some understanding. And of course, a lot of the posts here have some good ideas for how to ask people to be a little sensitive.

But I know we can't always expect sensitivity, so ultimately we have to learn how to cope for ourselves. You will find ways that work best for you, Irish, and will get some good suggestions, as always, from the girls here.

Why do you say you don't know if you can stick teaching? If you hate it - are the holidays worth
it? And don't be so sure you won't be as well paid in a new career. I think that might be another subject. Happy to hear more, Hun!

Much love

Jq


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Irisheyes and Ladies
What an interesting post that you have posted today. What fantastic replies and i hope that some of them will help you. 
I was interested in your books Leoarna. I know what you mean when you say about the American- ness but some of these books are really useful. I think the author to one of the books maybe Susan Jeffers..
I can understand your anticipation, worries and fears about the future and the one thing that we all dread most. The dreaded announcement!!!!Its so sad that we have to worry that these sort of announcements are going to happen at any time and when we least expect it. Its the ones when we do expect that often put us on edge. I know that my hubby's neice will be next and i am not looking forward to that day. I have learned to maybe take each day as it comes and face it when it happens. There again i am not in the position where my sister or SD could announce a pregnancy. So i am aware i can hide alittle bit better than yourself Irisheyes.
I feel for your Irisheyes. My hubby said to me once we never know what their future will bring and if it does happen then we will have to face it when it does happen. Ummmmm easier said than done, but maybe the thought is worse than the event?I don't know how we rationalise when it does happen because IF brings up all sorts of Emotions when dealing with pregnancy and babies. All i can suggest is to take each day as it comes, because this is actually stopping you from having some enjoyment in your life. Maybe it is about getting things of your chest and being able to express your fears and worries.
I know you may not be interested in counselling, but is there a good friend you can confide in? From my own experiece i feel quite numb now and started to blank this so that i don't have to think about it everyday, but face it when it happens.I feel that i have been hurt in all ways possible, that it has become the usual slap in the face. I think i have sort of blocked it out so that i can atleast start having my own life. If and when the next bit of news happen, i know that i will react in a way that maybe anger,tears, hurt,sadness and maybe a few saucepans flying in the air  . I will most likely be unbearable to live with (poor hubby). I will pick up the phone to my friend and then come on here to chat to all my FF friends....i just expect to feel all these emotions so nothing is a surprise to me anymore...and that helps...
I am sorry if this has not helped much, because i can understand things must be hard for you...However you deserve some reprieve...
lots of love astridxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Thank you Irisheyes for raising this topic, as its is one I struggle with daily. Like Ermey I am a born worrier too. I loved the 'Goose in a jar' concept Ermey, what a simple but sensible idea to focus on.

It is the acceptance that life will continue to evolve and friends and family increase around us, that is the biggest heartache in having to live with our situations. 

It is not just the fear of immediate friends all waiting for their time to have children (I have lots of single friends in their early 30's who I know will at some point suddenly find their men and babies will follow) but for me it is also the fear of the second generation after that. The getting old and then being grandchildless too, whilst everyone around gets to go through it all again through their own children. The grandchildren bit, is the bit which really hurts in relation to the loss my parents have over this. They get asked all the time "Got any grandchildren yet!" and I hate the fact they have to endure the same painful questioning that we do. 

I don't have any pearls of wisdom on how to get over this haunting fears, other than only approaching life literally on a do a day at a time basis, and as Ermey said that way we need only worry about the immediate and what has actually happened if anything, on that given day. 

I do have a dream though - that just for two years all pregs could be banned across the whole of the Uk, so we could just have a couple of years respite without this painful reality thrust in our faces continually. 

Maybe this is why it hurts us all so much, the feeling of indigence when people around us do get preg, because we can't help but take it as a personal rubbing of salt into our wounds, a feeling of why can't people just not get preg around me until I am able to cope with it better, until certain painful milestones have been reached and got through. Of course such thinking is   and not logical but remembering and holding on tightly to the reality that life just has it's own ongoing rhythm and the results of nature are just that, nature and biology managing to come together at certain times when all the required components are behaving/working to create life. I am trying to get out of my unhealthy previous mindset that peoples pregs are signs of being selected or some special blessing, they are just signs of life and nature just doing its programmed thing when the right combination of biology is there at any one moment.

I am waffling so I'll leave it on that thought  

Love
Hippy
xxxxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

One more thought to share with you.... There's a saying in buddhism 'if the only thing we know for certain is that one day we will die, what does that make you want to do today?" I always take this saying as encouragement to make the absolute most of the day I'm in, no matter how hard, as I genuinely can't know what' coming tomorrow. Also, when I was doing my counseling training, someone siad to me, 'your thoughts are just thoughts, they aren't you' and this idea always gives me license to feel that my negative and worrying thouts are not all that I am, that there's other bits of me that aren't dominated by them - like rooms in a house....

Hope this helps, 

Leoarna x


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Irish Eyes,

Wow, what fantastic replies you've had already!!  How can I add to this, I'm not sure.

The only thing I can give you is the benefit of my own experience.  And that is, that your feelings of "fear" really struck me.  i can honestly say, in all my years of IF, this was the strongest, most overwhelming emotion for me.

For 8 years i struggled with the fear of "announcements" the fear of being an "outcast" the fear of having no children or grandchildren, but most of all, the fear of something dreadful happening to my DH and having no family or job to get me up in the mornings or keep me going .....  It was all-consuming and absolutely terrifying.

I think I've told you this before but the book "ChildFree & Loving it" by Nikki Defago compltely turned things around for me.  I can't tell you how invaluable it was in making me see things in a different light, making me come to the realisiation that life CAN be positive and fulfilling without children and it removed so, so much of that fear for me.  I also read a few other books on living childfree involuntarily but this one was by far the best for me ....

If you haven't already read it, then it's a MUST Irish Eyes, I think you'll be amazed at the new mind-set it can give you - and a new mind-set can be such a powerful thing in healing ....

Let us know you how get on with dealing with this my lovely,
all my love
Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thank you all so much girls. 

Nix, the teaching thing has really only happened in last 2 yrs or so - i think thatthe fact i am now here in this school 10 yrs(2 yrs in others b4 that) has something to do with it. And coupled with doing iuis and finally giving up it has all taken its toll.

I really loved teaching before this but the thing is that it drains you. i see abig change in my energy levels in my 30s than in my 20s. People keep saying the holidays are great-yes they are but it is bloody hard work during the year especially with 14-16 yr olds.Also we have to deal with a lot of silly parental complaints which are brought directly to the attention of the head (before telling us in alot of cases)  and hawled in to account for ourselves!!! I am so sick of this- a colleague is off at the minute due to this. 

it's just that since my iuis (and i had 5weeks off then with a few other short periods that year) I am conscious of taking time off.I KNOW however that i need the odd few days off as i suffer from bad days due to if - i usually get away with saying its a migraine or stomach problem- as i actually did have an ulcer during my iuis.I feel i am entitled to days these days off tho( 9 days a school year) as i will never bloody be off on Maternity!!!!  but keep wondering is someone keeping track of it all.

Ermey - goose in a jar is a good description.I will try and not become one!!! 

Leonora- i will look into those books,thanks.And i like dthe buddhist quote-very true!

Hippy-yes the grandchildren thing bothers me too. I do think it will continue to affect us tho not in such an acute way. Mind you if my sdaughter did get pg that would bring its own hassle as would i be called a "step grandmother" as my own mum is to her and would i have much of a say as the other one since i am simply married to her father?   Oh no, i am having a goose in the jar moment right here!!!!   

Astrid- yes i have one very good friend -the one who has a surrogate dd(as had cancer herself) and we talk a lot. I have never fully broken down and cried in front of her tho- i dont know why. Maybe because i know she has been thru so much herself.I am seeing her tonight so will have a good chat.

And Jq- the thing you said about little kids just getting into your lap and giving you a hug/touch is lovely. In a way i am looking forward to that bit -if i can get over the early stages !!!

gill- i think i will get that book. I have heard so much about it.

Thankyou all again so much girls.I guess i needed to put them down on paper.And i will continue to do the things that make me happy/happier like going for dinner, reading in bed with a glass of wine etc etc. xxxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Irish

I have had another look at the book I mentioned and there is a whole chapter on 'how to cope when everyone has a baby except you', which suggests practical coping strategies. 

Its a brilliant book actually and I personally feel that anyone who face IF should be provided with a free copy by the govt!! Evryone going through tx should have a copy it was my absolute bible this time last year when I thought I was breaking down as rather than most IF books which tell you when to have BMS or what to eat or which tx is for you it is geared towards helping you face the psychological distress of IF and tx.

The book is called 'Conquering Infertility' by Dr Alice Domar. 
(The title refers to learning to cope with IF rather then the book claiming to cure IF)

The only snag is it is geared towards people going through IF and tx, rather then those that chose not to have tx, or were unable to, or have come to the end of the line with tx. Its chaper on deciding to end tx is woefully short!!
Having said that so much of the advice is helpful anyway that if you can cope with it talking about tx it is well worth reading. Other chapters include how it affects relationships with DH, family, coping with insensitive friends etc.

If you would like to borrow my copy I am very happy to lend it to you. 


P.S  - 2 of my siblings are new teachers and find it incredibly draining, so can kind of understand what you are saying. Maybe you could look into other education roles in different fields where you can make use of your teaching experience and still be invloved in education but its a new environment , I know organisations such as heritage, museums, art galleries ( i remember you are artistic?), and environamental/conservation organisations all employ education officers. 

You must do what makes you happy, and someties no matter how much we  like our job we can get stale (I'm always getting bored!). I also think that where our friends with children are constantly exhausted and kept on their toes with their children they maybe don't have the time or inclination to change jobs, but maybe without children we have a very keen sense of life stretching ahead of us unchanging. I think we all have it in our head when we get married that the monotony of life (no matter how much we love our work) will be broken by the joy of starting a family, and then busy with the ongoing demands of it, and then when it doesn't happen there can be a sense of life never changing, and being stuck at a certain phase...maybe that makes us feel the need to change something, to break into something fresh...   

lots of love to you as I can relate to ALL of this SOOOOooooo much!!!!
XXXXXXXX


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx again Ermey hon!!! I keep meaning to buy these books but keep putting it off!!! My sister actually bought one last year called "the hollow heart" after i had finally told her my tale to try and understand what i was going thru.I must ask her for that to start me off.

I have heard of people working for the hospital school which sounds really cool- dont think there are too many jobs there at the mo.You go and teach in the hospital school in the morning and travel out to homes of pupils who are off long term -unfortunately this could be a pg teenager!!! I did a year of nurse training before i finallly chose teaching so i think it would be good.

I also used to teach adult night classes which i wasnt as keen on in my 20s(felt too young dispensing advice to people older than me!!!) but think it might be better now- there is just still the fear of " what if i leave a secure job to go to one that isnt". I think i will make my move if i do when i hit 40 as by then my good friends in dept will have left here(already in 5os) and i will be forced to decide.Love the idea of museum/art gallery teacher too- thanks. xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Irisheyes
such a wealth good advice in this post. I don't know that I can add anything other than to say that I also have expereinced same feelings and that you are not alone.
I also liked Leonora's' comment about the buddist saying that the only thing we know for sure is that one day we are going to die and it's how we live today that matters.
I also am a born worrier. If there's nothing to worry about I will find something!! I must read Claire Weeks' book too.
take care
Lots love Emma/Joanne


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear Irisheyes

I understand where you are coming from regarding your nearest and dearest and your SD getting pregnant too. My SD is already having sexual relations with her boyfriend, and unprotected at that because her mum thinks if she puts her on the pill it will give her the green light to go ahead. Hello - she is already doing it FFS! As for me - I am not allowed an opinion on any of this because I am not her mother. 

So the next thing I'm sure I'll have to deal with alongside all the hullaballoo when surrounding family members get preggers is SD being preggers herself. I've already been through other family members increasing their families, and most of my friends have kids too. Some of my friends are grandparents or about to become grandparents for the first time - I thought by the time this had come around I would have been able to deal with things a bit better but no - I still get that lump in my throat, the bottom dropping out of my stomach feeling because I know that will never be me!

Madly enough, I have a fair few pals who have gotten preggers after IF or loss and I don't have a problem with any of them. Its only the ones whom haven't had any issues and whom have added to their brood over the years or who have gone on to grandparent status whilst I haven't even got to 'go' or gone round the board once that bother me  

I cope by not dwelling on these things - I loved the 'goose in the jar' anthology from Ermey, and I shall use that as my mantra when I'm losing the plot! I think if I thought about these things I would drive myself nuts - so I decided many years ago to make a conscious decision NOT to think about all of this unless or until it happens. And when someone in the family does get preggers? I make sure that I only expose myself to what I think I am capable of dealing with at that moment in time. I've learned to be kind to MYSELF in all of this because often others who have never been through this don't have the understanding or empathy. It helps to come here and chat too!

Jq, its true what you said about kids melting your heart. I adore kids, always have done, always will and by some cruel twist have always got on great with them. I think if you have a good relationship with other family members and are able to overcome the heartache and get on with your nephews and nieces then thats an asset, as hard as it can be to overcome those feelings of sadness first. Sadly my SIL uses her kids as weapons so any 'joy' there was in being an aunty was taken away from me years ago... but my memories of the special relationships I had with my own aunties and uncles can't be taken away!

Well Irisheyes, I'm glad you posted this because its given me some food for thought too as you can see!

Love to all
Emcee x


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