# Adoption after IVF



## Abijay (Oct 14, 2013)

Hello.  I'm new to these pages and am hoping someone can advise about our next steps of moving into adoption.

DH and I investigated adoption a couple of years ago because of troubles with getting pregnant naturally (although even before these troubles we had always seen adoption as part of our future). Although it's something we both want to do, during the process it became clear that my husband was not totally 'resolved' to not having biological children. So we decided to roll the dice with IVF whilst I'm still young enough to stand some chance of success before we move on to adoption.  Our family kindly offered to fund up to 3 rounds for us (as there is a 1 in 3 chance of success that seemed to be a reasonable amount to try before coming back to adoption).

Our first two attempts have failed and we almost feel like I dont want to try a 3rd as we feel kinda ready just to move ahead with adoption. The process has been OK and we havent suffered as much as some people do, it just feels tedious and like a possible distraction from becoming a family via adoption.  However, as we have the funds we almost feel like we might as well try once more.  

My worry is the 6-12 month wait we have to do after the next potential failure. I really dont feel like we will need that time to be sure we're ready to adopt - particularly as we havent found this to be a particularly challenging phase and we feel certain about the next step.  So, I guess my question is, is the 6-12 month wait and absolute requirement? Is there any way the adoption agency can actually find out our IVF dates if we chose to be sparing with the truth (we have gone private?). Should we just stop IVF now to hasten the process?  I know some poeple will feel that the rules are there for a reason and that we need to grieve, but I really dont feel like that is the case and just feel ready to move on and become a family as soon as we finish with the process - the thought of another year wait is pretty unbearable.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Where I am the six months is none negotiable but I know a few ( it is only a few ) have found different by them. During  process you have a medical which evolved ( for us ) sitting with a GP for 45 minutes going through every item of your medical notes. I mean  literally had a bad chesty cough ages 2 years 3 months. One of our IVF was private however it was still on there because they had forwarded the information to my GP the same as an NHS hospital would.  There is probably a route to preventing this if you really want to but you are asked repeatedly  about fertility treatment. You would have to both be exceptionally good and well coordinated liars to get away with it in my opinion. It's ultimately your call I personally could have got away with it.  

However lieing is the worst of all sins in sws eyes. If you got caught they would probably end the process with you and you might struggle to find an agency who would work with you for a long time. They are obsessed with the relationship of trust. 

The other thing I would raise ( and I'm not saying this is the case but I think you should give it serious thought to be sure.) Are you as unbothered about a biological child as you think you are? I only ask because with the new system DH and I will be 11 months from start to bringing children home. To be honest we took a lot longer to find our match than most we said no to a lot of  profiles so it could have been 3 or 4 months quicker.  So no longer than treatment plus a pregnancy is very realistic.  So what is swaying you  towards treatment not adoption at this moment? Why we've got the money so why not instead of we'll have a lump sum to do amazing things with lo when we are matched? 

I hope that doesn't sound dismissive it isn't meant to be but I think if you think on those points it might help you decide what you want to do at this moment.  Good luck with treatment or adoption whichever you choose I hope you become a family quickly.


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## Abijay (Oct 14, 2013)

You talk a lot of sense Diva. In particular about this issue of trust with the SW, I would hate to feel I was having to be dishonest (I'm not a good liar) and to start such an important relationship on that foot would be wrong.  You would always have your guard up in case you were caught out and that would be a horrible feeling.

And it's a good question about whether the final round we have in mind is the best way for us to go. I will continue to think on that. We have a couple of months to wait to allow my cycle to return to normal so this gives us some thinking time.  Thank you, you've been very helpful.

Abi

PS I love that you are cookie monster and I am animal...


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It's all about sesame street   . I think a couple of months thinking about the options and you'll know what's right for you x x xc


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Abijay I could have written that post myself! We'd always said right from the beginning we wanted to set a limit on how many attempts at ivf we'd have as I didn't want to be someone who fell into the "1 more try" trap so we said 3 attempts seemed reasonable. After our 2nd attempt I really didn't want to go through the third as I just knew it wouldn't work and I would have rather saved ourselves the debt but to be perfectly honest we did have the third attempt. We did it because we'd always said 3 try's right from the start and I didn't want to look back in years to come and have that doubt niggle away at me as to what if we had done the third attempt as we'd said we would.
Our last attempt was November and our local authority accepted us to apply in February and were more than happy that we were ready. We discussed the ivf but they felt we'd already moved on before our last attempt and gas been very realistic with our chances so they didn't doubt we were ready. We definitely were ready as for us the third attempt was nothing more than a box ticking exercise we were already discussing our adoption plans as if the ivf wasn't happening. We were lucky in that our local authority has no hard and fast rules about timescale from ivf to application they judge each case on it's merits.
Only the two of you can decide what's right but I just wanted to give you my experience in that not every agency will be so rigid on timescales if you really are ready to move forward.
Good luck.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Abijay,
I too could of written that post myself! However the difference with me was we only had NHS funded 2 cycles. 
First I would definitely say you have to be honest. You can't go through the adoption process hiding something so big as an IVF attempt 😊. They will find out and as DIY DIVA says they would probably not take your application any further.

Second I would ask what your chances are with a third attempt? We said we would have 3 attempts (2 funded and then fund one ourselves) but after our second go I just knew it wasn't going to to work. I just lost faith in the whole thing. I was given 5% chance if we cycled again so for us it was a no brainer. We wanted to use the money we would of saved and spent on a third try to save for our adopted child to be. 

Have you considered donor eggs? I know a few ladies who have gone down this route as a last chance as getting pregnant with a baby before possibly turning to adoption? 

However I have to say that if I already had the money there ready and waiting I think we would of probably had one last try ...... 

We finished our IVF last  April and quickly decided we wanted to start the adoption process. We both felt we were ready and in June booked to go to an information day in July. However when it got near the date we just both felt unready to go. I can only explain that we didn't feel excited at all and I guess looking back we just hadn't got over the IVF (although we though we had). We left it a few months and went instead in November and we were so ready then. We realised that we needed that 6 months after all so I think it is there for a reason ( although I respect that some ladies don't need it)😊. We came out of the information day sooooo excited and still are now. 

It's a difficult decision to make but I guess you have to think about what would you regret more.....never knowing if attempt 3 would of worked or not or delaying having your LO?
Good luck for what you decide xxx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Hello :-(

I wrote a long reply but my phone deleted it!!

Basically I said why not attend an open evening soon to info gather? We did this in the jan, then did our nhs iui an Ivf an went to a second open evening the following July...I think because we where 100% adoption an we had shown we ha been to open evenings we didn't have the 6month rule...

Good luck x


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

hi abijay,

we were in a similar position to you, we had considered adoption but gave IVF a shot although we were kinda successful with it (MMC) and we have lots of frosties I really don't want to go through it again - although i didn't find it too hard its just a personal decision.

We informed of LA of this and they said we did need to wait 6 months but can go to info nights etc in the meantime, the 6 months is flying by and its been lovely to not think of TTC, we have enjoyed socializing again, booked some holidays and got our life back whilst at the same time in the back of our heads we are excited about our new journey which will start in June.

Everyone is different but i agree with others that you need to make sure that you are ready, we are in a slightly different position where by we are lucky to have a BC so I know that I am ready for adoption.

wishing you the best of luck with your next step xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Abijay,

I think if you're still considering a third lot of IVF Social Services are going to say that you haven't come to terms with the fact you won't have a biological child.  They will say that if you had, you would not spend the money on it; it's not an inconsiderable amount after all, and that could really help you when it comes to the time off you will need when you adopt.  They will be thinking not just in terms of accepting accepting adoption as the way forward, but also coming to terms with the fact there won't be a biological family, and how different your family through adoption could be to the one you may have had if you'd had a biological child.  Most agencies will say that if you're still thinking about IVF at all, you're not ready to adopt, and they will want you to have a wait after a last cycle of IVF to come to terms with that loss.  Most say six months, some say more.  You might find one that will take you sooner, and as others have said, in the grand scheme of things, six months isn't a huge amount of time.  You can do a lot of preparation in that time, such as any reading suggested by Social Services, info evenings, voluntary work, which will make your application more straightforward when you get there.

As others have said, if you hide fertility treatment and get found out, you will almost certainly have your application rejected.  Any future application you made with another agency would ask about previous applications, and they would then contact the agency that rejected you to find out why they rejected you.  IVFs at private clinics in this country will almost always be referenced in your notes.  If you use a clinic abroad it may not show up, but that's a very big risk to take.

All the best, whatever you decide,

Wyxie xx


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## Abijay (Oct 14, 2013)

Thanks all for the thought and wisdom that you put into your messages. I really appreciate it. And I'm very grateful that no one has judged me for wanting to find a way around the system, I was worried about that but am amazed to find so many people who feel the same - in fact when I read your messages saying you could have written what I wrote I almost cried. But you are all quite right, dishonesty would be the wrong way to start the process. Hopefully they will appreciate our readiness and be able to move us on quickly (like you Becs), or maybe we will just enjoy the period of peace from TTC (like you Harper) - in fact, we have emerging plans to go on a holiday of a lifetime if/when the next round fails - maybe Mozambique... cheap but incredible.  It will also be good to spend some more time with my small children (especially my neices) as you suggest Wyxie, as well as get work straight for the Big Adoption Project.

Incidentally... I dont just get to keep the money if we don't go for IVF. It's an offer of 3 rounds of IVF rather than a pot of 18 grand for me to chose how to spend it.   I know money isnt the point but there is a subtly different emphasis when making the decision.  I'd feel funny about saying no to the IVF but asking for the money anyway (especially as I have 2 sisters who arent getting access to the kind of financial support that I am).

Lorella: thanks for your thoughts about donated eggs. Our consultant suggested the same thing as I have had 3 miscarriages and 2 chemical pregnancies (which could suggest chromosomal abnormalities in the foetuses), but I’m pretty sure it’s something we wouldn’t want to do. For us, adoption is such a good option that these kinds of extensive and expensive procedures feel like a delay and a distraction from adoption. For me it’s most important at the moment to keep steady and sane (and solvent) and I think many more complex procedures might risk that.

Little Poppy: yes, we have been to an adoption open evening when we first looked into this a year or two ago, we also had the home visits but that was when they decided they werent prepared to take us any further. I wonder if there is any value in going back to the open evenings again following our next round of IVF (assuming it to be unsuccessful)?

Thanks again all. This is an exciting forum to be part of

xx


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Abijay I totally understand the position that you are in and sometimes I feel the same as we have the money to use our frosties but I feel that the unknown and going through it all again is too much that said I have not totally ruled ivf out for the future if adoption fails.

Someone mentioned that realistically now with the timescales you could be a mum in the same time (maybe) sooner following this route and if in the unlikely even you were not succesful you could still have a go at ivf if family would still be kind enough to lend you.

I understand what everyone is saying about grieving about ivf failing and you need to think hard about that and how it's effected you as I'm sure the adoption process brings up a lot of raw feelings. You also don't want to always think what if??

Take some time out, enjoy that holiday and research then by that point you will know what route to go down and be in a better frame of mind without thinking what if??

I can't stress enough how lovely it is to have a break and look forward to the next step 

Good luck xx


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