# Major wobbles ...advice needed pls



## Smudgey

We are next to last day of intros , LO is gorgeous , has bonded and is easy . I am not enjoying it at all , I'm even questioning if I want to be a Mum ? I am in floods of tears all the time and only feel ok when she's asleep , she's currently down stairs with DH and I'm upstairs trying to compose myself . DH wants it so bad and I really don't  think I can /want to ....? Feel so cruel on LO and DH as he will be heartbroken if the match breaks down ...I really doesn't know what to do


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## GERTIE179

Hi,

I'll be back later promise!

We've all been there (or a lot us anyway). Look back on skyblu's posts as lots of us responded there last year. 

X x hugs intros are tough for lots of reasons
X x


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## Smudgey

Thanks Gertie , will have a look , I've just spoken to FC and I'm going to ask for a days break and an extension on intros xx


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## Flash123

Smudgey, I am sending you huge hugs. i could have written your post myself. We had a huge wobble during intros, so much so we delayed lo coming home. I spent much of it in tears questioning my ability to be a mum, I didn't doubt lo But i majorly doubted myself and whether or not I should/could do it. Please, please don't think you are alone. Intros are exceptionally tough. Thy are totally unrealistic and are NOT what real life with a lo is like. 
I think intros are all about getting to know the basics of your lo, not getting to know them as a person, you can't do that in such a short space of time.

You know the phrase "fake it till you make it" ...love comes with time. 

BUT only you know how you are really feeling. Matches break down. Yes it is utterly heartbreaking and it will be very tough on you, dh and lo but Ultimately, what is meant to be will be and you will get over it. 

Many people find the end of intros totally terrifying. You have chased this dream for so long and now here it is. Many of us have felt the way you are feeling, many of us who 3/4/5/6 however many months on wouldn't change a thing.


The day before he came home We too had a days break where we saw lo for an hour in the morning and spent the day in the house, in a state of shock. We needed that day.

Hang in there smudgey, give yourself time. It does get better - I promise you xxxxx


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## Twinkie

Smudgey, you have just described how I am feeling right now. I am questioning and overthinking everything and we are halfway through intros. The thing that is going someway to reassuring me is that I actually felt exactly the same on bringing my birth daughter home from the hospital. I kept asking myself what on earth I had done and how did I think this was ever a good idea. I know adoption is a very different thing but from having those feelings I now adore my daughter with every bone in my body even on her bad days. I'm using this and everyone's quotes of "fake it til you make it" to get me through. We are about to have an adorable 7 year old move in with us and I'm terrified but I'm going to try and go easy on myself and not push it. Easier said then done I know!
Don't be too hard on yourself or expect too much. Good luck with the rest of today. Big hugs xxx


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## MummyElf

Flash is right.....we chase the dream and during intros the reality doesn't match up and we think 'what are we doing?'. I'm ashamed to say many times I've said when upset to my hubby that I can't do it and want to give them back. I don't, but when I'm upset and cannot cope (like today) I feel like I'm a terrible mum and not up to it etc. When our daughter came home I was the same, longed for naps and bedtime and dreaded her waking up. Sounds appalling but it's true. My two nap together and although some super mums say to nap them apart in order to spend quality time with each child, I'd actually go crazy if I didn't have a break to eat my lunch and surf the internet!

Now I see it for what it is, I do love them, want them and am a good mum most of the time, but like everyone else I get overwhelmed and feel like I'm going crazy.

Just know we've all been there, seriously, and it does get better. X


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## Smudgey

Thank you so much for your replies it's exactly how I am feeling , we are taking LO back an hour early today and gonna just have some time with DH , and possibly a break for a day and see how we get on xx


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## GERTIE179

Hey,

Great info given already and hope this is making you feel 100% normal. I've always likened it to the fear friends have spoke of taking their babies home from the hospital. Dare I say it we adopters have it harder as our Los won't be on eat/sleep cycles and need entertained for at least part of the day.

Like ME I look forward to my Los nap/nighttime as it's the only time I get to be me. In the early days it was just dread with a few nice moments throughout the week. It's daunting and scary being a new parent. Give yourself time - maybe like flash drop your daily visits to an hour or so then the rest of the day to breath and relax. Or a few days break and re-start intros.

Do you have worries about your little girl itself or is it mainly fear? Our FCs had to talk us down as we were 2days off taking lil home but that was more to do with behaviours and issues we were facing with him. The stress took its toll on all of us.

Hope you're ok x


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## Anjelissa

Hi Smudgy,

Sorry I don't have time to write a long post (lo on short nap atm and just waking up as I type), but just wanted to send you a 

Lots of great advice has been given already, but please know that intros really are one of the hardest bits in many ways, so exhausting and draining (for lots of reasons, but one of which is that you naturally absorb everyone's emotions as you try to be diplomatic/sympathetic etc to fc and fc-family's feelings).
We've been through it twice and the last time the foster family were amazing but still it's a tough time to get through 

I'm not saying it's all easy when lo comes home, it's hard work, but it is easier in the sense that you are home in your 'real' environment without the feeling of being constantly watched and assessed. That in itself will make you feel so much better.

I have so much I want to say to you but have to dash unfortunately.

I'm thinking of you and hope that having a break for a day will make you feel much better 

Love Anj x


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## katie c

another one on the 'its entirely normal' bench. when i was doing intros there were a group at the same time who seemed to be saying all the right things, they'd instantly fallen in love, they were bonding so well, they didn't want to leave at the end of the day. and i felt like some sort of freak 

little master c was cute and all, but he was just this child i didnt know from Adam, he was quiet and subdued, he didn't seem to like me, and i asked myself what the hell i was doing. i didnt feel a magical bond, he didnt even _smell_ right. the first day we had him home for good i spent the morning crying, asking mr c how the hell was i going to entertain him all day, it was going to be so boring, i was going to be a rubbish mother. it felt so surreal.

all has got better though, and honestly, i'm never bored, there are not enough days to fit in all we need to do! please dont beat yourself up, you'll get there.


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## Jess75

Yip totally normal. The best day we had on intros was the last day when it was just picking lo up in the evening to take him home. 12 weeks later I still can't say that I love him but he has grown on me. I so so wish this was talked about more before you are matched. It's like this big secret that nobody talks about beforehand! 

I spent the first few weeks of ds being home in tears every single day whilst putting on a fake smile for everyone that all was amazing. It was far from it. I honestly did not want to be in the same room as him for the first while and he scared me. Sounds crazy but it's true. Things have got easier and I'm still faking it till I make it as they say. I tell him I love him a million times a day and I know one day I will. They say it creeps up on you and one day you realise you do love them.

Honestly though if someone would have taken him back during the first 6 weeks I'm ashamed to say I would have said yes. I wouldn't now but bloody hell it's hard. 

You need a rest and a good sleep. Is dh aware of how you are feeling? Do you feel like you could bond with lo in time? Just remember we have all been there are if you have a look there are loads of threads on here about it. Take care


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## GERTIE179

Jess - I guess it must be childbirth. One year on we almost forget how tough it was. I know I'm certainly in that camp but a post like this brings it all back. Plus my monkey is driving me nuts today.


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## Loopylou29

I echo everyone else.
The first time we did intros we couldn't wait to get lo home. 
However the second time around we questioned if we were doing the right thing. Our eldest lo was confused towards the end of intros and it caused some behaviour issues. We'd found bonding etc with the youngest easy but we weren't totally convinced we were doing the right thing. Several months on and they do belong together with us. I think the upset for us was before our 2nd intros life was settled and we upset the balance.
If you need extra time or a rest day then please ask for it. We were told that you should always get a rest day during intros to allow for uncertainty and to have some thinking space.


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## MummyElf

We didn't have a 'rest day' on either of ours and I wish we had, it was so hard!

In fact I'd like a rest day now, my two are driving me bloody bonkers today!  

I know just what Katie C meant - took me ages to get used to my daughter's smell! I don't notice it now but to start with it seemed so weird. Hubby says her smell is mainly dribble - Haha!

LO is in essence a total stranger and that's what people don't appreciate. If I tell my friends to imagine just taking my daughter home and keeping her, they realise what I'm saying! 

I think you'll be alright smudgey, but don't be rushed, it has to be right   I spent LOs first couple of days home ill on the sofa as got a terrible sickness & diarrhea bug the night before she was moving in. Intros and the first few weeks are horrible, that's the truth of it, but we're all here to cheer you on xx


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## Smudgey

Thanks guys , seems like I'm not a freak and it's quite normal ! 
We are having a rest day tomorrow and  then  slowing intros down a bit as weekend in the way and we need another review on Monday to check all ok , so potential move in date of wed x 

Thank you all so much , it's really really helped to know I'm not alone x


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## Duckling

Oh huge   . Sneaked on here whilst making tea so only a quick one I'm afraid. Entirely normal! I remember our sw being so shocked months later when I told her it was one if the worst weeks of my life. I've said it here before but my friend who also adopted said it's our equivalent of childbirth. It is the most frightening time. Be kind to yourself, remember to breathe - I don't think I did properly til we brought ds home and then it got better slowly. Our Lo is a stranger whose whole life is being placed in your hands and it feels terrifying. You do get there I promise.


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## Anjelissa

Just wondering how you are Smudgey? 
I hope you are feeling a little better after your rest day and that things seem a bit clearer 

Anj x


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## Smudgey

Hi all , we had a rest day Friday and then we have had to start all over again . I'm better , but I still don't think I want to be a mummy , I've no idea what to do ? She is moving in on Friday . If DH said he had decided it wasnt for him I would be so relieved . I've been in tears every day and I don't want to go . But if I walk away now I think I will break DH heart in two xx


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## DRocks

im going to be really honest.
Please put this child's needs first, if you don't think it's for you then have a frank discussion with you husband and walk away.
If this should not work out in six months time because it's really not for you then the one you hurt the most is the child. 
If your relationship is solid then you and your husband can work through it.


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## Loopylou29

Disney is right. If its really not what you want then you need to be totally honest with everyone involved. Yes it would be hard on your dh but a child will have no understanding of the reasons why. The worst thing for a child would be a disruption 6months or so in the future and it would be worse for you and dh as well.
Do you know what the reasons are behind these feelings? If its the fear of responsibility for a child then I think everyone has that fear to some degree. The massive change in your life makes it also completely normal to feel like this and for some people the feelings of not having a birth child are brought to the surface as introductions finally close that part of your life.
Don't be pressured into this, you have to think of yourself.  Youare not the first and certainly won't be the last person to stop introductions.


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## scoobydooby

First off let me start by saying that what I am about to say is purely 'my' opinions, and if you are going to seek advice from anyone it should be your social worker, who knows you in and out!

Have you discussed your feelings with your social worker? As DisneyRocks has already said, honesty here is the best I think so I'm going to be blunt. I dont know the background of your child to be, but I'm guessing its pretty much the same picture as the rest of us. Do you really want to cause more upset and uncertainty for this poor child?  If you have any doubts then you need to put a stop on the whole thing right now and seek advice and guidance from your social worker, that is what your social worker is there for, for YOU! 

I can only speak from my own experience but at no time EVER did I think that I didn't want to be a parent. 
You owe it to yourself, your husband, and least of all the child to get this sorted before everything goes completey wrong!


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## Flash123

Sending you big hugs smudgey - i wish i could give you a real one. wobbles are totally natural but if you are being honest with yourself and you really don't think you want to be a mum now is the time to share that with others. 
There is no use pretending it isn't going to cause a hell of a lot of upset and tears, it will. It is a truly heartbreaking decision to make and I don't envy you at all BUT it will cause far fewer tears if you do it now than doing it 6 months down the line when your lo is settled and you are their mummy and daddy. Adoption is incredibly hard at the best of times and tbh if your heart isn't in it 100% I can't see how it will work.

Please, please share this with your dh and your sw. As the others have said, that's what they are there for. This is far too big to struggle on and try to cope on your own. PLEASE talk to someone who can help you. It may still be wobbles, no- one knows that but you.

Take care and I hope you find the answers soon. Xx


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## AoC

Massive hugs, Smudgey!  You poor thing - my biggest worry in all this is that you're trying to cope with this all on your own and not being emotionally honest with your DH and SWer, who are there to support YOU.  You need help, love, and you need to ask for it.

This sort of negative thoughts feeds on itself - you think I don't want to - I'm not allowed to think that way - I mustn't tell anyone - what's wrong with me - I'm failure... and the depression just feeds on itself.  (((((((hugs)))))))

I'm not going to say whether you should stop or not, only you can know whether these are wobbles or major reservations.  And I suspect you'll only find that out if you have a frank and full discussion with DH and SWer.  (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Whatever you do, no-one will judge you (or if they do, they're not worth worrying about).  

I always knew I wanted to be a mummy, but there were some dark times in early placement when I thought I couldn't be one, that I was broken and mean and a crud mummy.  For a while I thought I'd been kidding myself my whole life and I was actually a really horrible person.

Of course, I'm not.    But it felt like that for a while.

Whatever happens, please come back here so we can hold your hand and give you hugs.

With love (and no judgement), Anna


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## DRocks

But please rest assured NOBODY is judging you here,  we are proud of your honesty and will support you no matter what your decision is x x x x


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## MummyPhinie

I can't really make any informed comments as I haven't got that far yet, however this must be such a tough time for you x x
In our prep group they described a very similar situation and the one thing they said that didn't happen was the adopter didn't talk them through how they were feeling, there was no judgement they just needed outright honesty because there is time to either fix it, or change it.  Sending you lots and lots of big hugs, please Talk to your other half you are in this together


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## snapdragon

I just want to send my support. It must be so hard especially with your dh so keen. I think you need to think about where your feelings are coming from. As the earlier posts said not everyone bonds easily to their lo. I think it must be hard seeing a gorgeous lo and not feeling it but its not unusual. My friend adopted a baby the same age and felt nothing for her at all for months but things did change with time. I do think it can be harder with babies than toddlers who have more formed personalities. I do know someone who pulled out of intros and regretted it later as they realised it was just fear. You have a very similar history to me and if I was honest I would say I was never sure I wanted to be a mum. My lo can be very difficult but one year on he feels 100% mine and I can say its the best thing i've ever done I wish you all the best whatever the outcome.


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## Hunibunni

Hi Smudgy I really do feel for you and hope you are able to discuss your feelings with your DH and SW. I've no experience of intros to pass on but I did however have a similar discussion with my SW yesterday about introductions and breakdowns of adoption placements. She said if there are any doubts or feelings that it is wrong for you it is far better to voice your concerns at the intro stage as there will be less disruption to the child. I think you are so brave for even telling us how you are feeling so I think you should talk to your DH even if you think it will hurt his feelings.  Good luck hun xx


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## Dame Edna

Hi Smudgey   

As everyone has said, please please speak to your SW about these feelings.

I am afraid, take home day on Friday, should not happen while you are feeling like this.  It is not fair on anyone and a breakdown further down the line, when the child has moved in will be much more disruptive for everyone.  Normal wobbles are one thing but this does sound like more than that.  Be brave hun, and start talking to your DH and the SW.  It will be a tough conversation but you will feel better once this is all out in the open so you can all decide on the best way forward for all concerned.

Thinking of you.
 
X


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## Macgyver

I wanted to send you  , as people have said before, please talk to your dh and your sw. Let them know how you are feeling, don't keep it bottled up.
I felt on the 4th day of intros I went out for a walk wight lo FC. She must have thought I was a weirdo as I broke down in tears about 5 minutes into the walk. It all came out, my fears that I wasn't going to be good enough, what if he didn't like me, what if I didn't do things right. After sitting with her and lo for half an hour she helped out my fears away. If I hadn't have spoken to her I think I would have had a breakdown. I was doubting myself so much and I didn't need to. It hasn't been easy but it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Also remember your support network, they will be there to listen too. Xx good luck sweetie in what ever you decide. Xx


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## skyblu

Oh Smudgy, I so wish I could talk to you and give you a very big hug.
Every one here has given you great advice and I really do think you need to speak to dh or your SW before you go mad.

As you know I went through a similar thing, but I had dh to talk to as he was feeling the same. Can we do this, will we be good parents, what if, what if , what if. But for me, Dh wasn't that fussed about having a family and I know if I wanted to pull out he would of supported me.
Intros and the first few months is the hardest part of adoption. You start off as a stranger to your lo and vice versa and you are in someone else's home, they may have different parenting to how you would want to do things. You are spending at least 12 hrs with your lo entertaining it and not having any time for your self and dh. You get home/hotel and sleep and then it is back to the house of horrors (that is what we called it) and the same thing again. This way you are getting to know lo and starting to form a bond but intros are not realistic, this is not how life will be when you get lo home. Yes it will be hard and it will be for a few months, I had a really easy 2 yr old and no huge problems other than toddler behaviour but it was still hard. I can only admit to that to my self now as things are what I call a normal family life and when I look back I think to myself my god things have improved immensely and that is only because we have got to know lo and lo knows us and has a routine, safety and love and knows she belongs.
I do feel though that this might be a bit more than a wobble, because I knew when I went through my wobble I knew I wanted to be a mum I had tried ivf 7 times and been through so much with the journey of adoption that I wasn't going to turn back now. I just needed to know what I was feeling was normal.

Have a chat with your dh, it is going to be hard but the last thing that needs to happen here is a placement breakdown in 6 months time. Your lo to be deserves so much more.
Only you know how you are truly feeling and I applaud you for being so honest but it is now time to be honest with dh and your Sw.
Maybe you just need a break from intros and keep seeing lo a few hrs every other day and then asses weather you still feel the same.
And please don't forget, what happens during intros is not real life.

I will be thinking of you and if you need to msg me then please do so.
Take care sweetheart
Skyblu.xxx


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## Smudgey

We have had a great day today , DH  and SW are completely aware of the situation and have been extremely supportive . There is a bond with LO , I am v v scared as to If I can be a mummy , today has proved to me that I can be a good mummy as we have had a testing day but all was good and we coped really well . LO is amazing and she is part of our life now , we have had two weeks of intros now and it's been v v tough . But no matter how tough it will be I cannot turn my back on her , she is part of us now . 
Thankyou for all your messages of support xxxxx


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## kellyrocket75

Hi Smudgey,

So pleased you're not going through this tough time alone. Sounds like things are getting a little easier for you. It's such a massive change for everyone - suddenly having another person in your life. Well done for using the support available.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Kelly xxx


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## Dreams do come true

So pleased Smudgey.

Intros are over nearly, that's your first hurdle.

The first few weeks at home can be tough, and be kind to yourself and remember it takes time...baby steps, eventually everything will come together. I found it helped talking to people, particularly those go have been through it. I met a few people that had adopted and it helped massively, they could relate to everything and did not judge.

Good luck Hun x


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## lynsbee

O smudgey. I have just read through this thread and wanted to give you and huge  
Reading your last post was amazing and beautiful to read. Well done for working through you will be a wonderful Mummy xx


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## Hunibunni

So pleased you had a good day yesterday and that you are being supported.

Wishing you all the best with your new life with LO...you will be an amazing mummy 

Xx


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## AoC

Oh Smudgey, I'm so happy to hear from you!  I just had to run and close the office door so I could have a bit of a happy dance and snivel.  

I'm so glad you're getting support and things are looking better.  Intros was simply the most emotionally and physically exhausting and troubling thing I have ever done.  You can and you will be a good mummy, you'll see.  Make use of your support network and never be afraid to ask for help.

*high five* mummy!


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## Dame Edna

That's great news, Smudgey  
X


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## DRocks

I'm so glad it's getting better, your going yo be a fab mummy. X x


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## becs40

We're right at the beginning of this journey so I have been immersing myself in the forums. I obviously have no clue what you have been and are going through butI just had to say I think you're incredible. To be so brave and come out and say the doubts you were having although necessary must have taken a huge amount of courage. Your lo will be very lucky to have such a Mummy! Good luck on your new journey as a family.


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## MummyPhinie

Your post seemed more positive! Well done mummy!


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## Flash123

Fab news smudgey.


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## skyblu

I have been thinking about you all day today Smudgy, and I even had a bit of an emotional night last night, I couldn't sleep as I knew how awful you must be feeling and how I felt nearly 12 month ago, it brought back so many memories.
When I just checked in to see how you were doing I couldn't of been any happier for you 
I am so pleased you now have support and things are going well with lo.
2 weeks of intros must be very difficult, we only had 6 days and that was hell!!!
So I applaud you Smudgy and as the others have said, take baby steps and you will be fantastic a mummy, you have already shown that.

Skyblu.xxxx


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## AoC

What Skyblu said.


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## Smudgey

I'm afraid things haven't gone well , LO. Has been very confused due to the length of intros and isn't attaching as she should , which in turn is upsetting FCC and me and DH , we have had a meeting with our SWs this morning and the LOs LA want to stop the placement . To say we are devastated is an understatement , we have a meeting with LOs LA Monday to say our bit as don't agree , v v v sad day , we can't stop the tears xxxx


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## daisy0609

Didn't want to read and run smudgey. So sorry for this big big   Coming your way. Xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry to read this. I think this a very cruel turnaround after your bravery in speaking out and asking for help. You should be applauded for being true to yourself for the benefit of little one and instead they are looking to punish you in the worst possible way. Can you ring adoption UK for some guidance, I feel this is all wrong


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## Smudgey

This is exactly how I feel Lolly , we are just waiting to hear back from LOs LA , I don't know how we are going to get through this without LO xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wish I could hug you   What about your SW and agency? How are they supporting you? Honestly, I would try adoption UK and see if they have any suggestions about a way forward. I'm not saying it'll help but you want to feel you've done all you can. Thinking of you so much right now


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## Dreams do come true

So sorry you are going through this Smudgey.

I don't know the details but I do know that something similar happened when my BIL and SIL adopted 9 years ago, the fought it and the LO (no longer a LO) has been home 9 years.

I do hope everything can be brought to a resolution you are all happy with and of course one that is best for the little one.

Good luck x


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## Loopylou29

Sorry to hear this and hope your getting some support from your own agency.

Am I right in saying lo is 9months? In which case she will be confused due to the length of intros. You've been totally honest with your feelings and los la have started intros over again which is wrong. You didn't need to learn her routine again you just needed a couple of days to know it was right. No wonder the poor mite is confused, your being the carer during the day but the fc is there at night.

I
Take care


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## GERTIE179

Totally echo the others. I think this is shocking given how brave you e been and LO will be mighty confused. It's too early for any attachment but if LO is trusting you to care for her and you know the routine that is definitely what they shod be looking for. I don't know all the details but would also question how supportive the FC is being. The FC is maybe being more negative than reality as they're concerned about LO having a future disruption. It might just be you need to really prove that isn't the case and your wobbles are more in line with most new parents just a big more heightened.

Wishing you lots of hugs & luck
X


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## AoC

I'm so sorry to hear this, sweetheart.  ((((((hugs)))))))  Please call Adoption UK and see what support and advice they can offer.


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## dandlebean

That's awful! Poor you! I'm so, so sorry to hear such sad news    I hope they listen to you and consider this seriously. It seems like completely the wrong decision to me (and everyone else here by the sounds of it).


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## NancyS

That's awful and I feel really cross for you - it's such a myth that a child will attach to you during introductions and being confused is the norm and totally to be expected.  What will happen now is more delays for the child and even more confusion another few months down the line

Hope you're OK and definitely fight this


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## DRocks

See my thinking is that you may think your foster carer is really lovely and easy but is she unknowingly making it harder for you all, and especially harder for your LO to bond.
I think you have done remarkably and you need to fight for your daughter now, harder than ever x x x
There is no reason for her to not just come home with you, in my experience with this age the longer the transition is with the previous full time carer then the harder it is. It would completely go against what social services would recommend but if you were to go collect her tomorrow morning I know she would settle more quickly. But that's not how ss work 

Hugs


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## Smudgey

Thanks all for your support . I have spoken to LOs LA adoption manager and she hadn't had the whole story ...won't go into details as far too many points to mention . From the info she has had I don't blame her for making the decision she made last night . All we can do now is wait to see what Mondays meeting brings and hope that she can turn it round for us as we don't want our life with out our LO. Xxxxxx


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## Cornish pixie

Oh smudgey, just starting out on my journey, can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
If you have to wait till Monday for a decision try to do something positive for just you and hubby, I know this weekend will be hard and you won't be able to stop thinking or worrying but I guess what I'm trying to say is be very kind and gentle to yourself, no beating yourself up, warm bath, chocolate as needed etc etc.
Sending you big


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## Belliboo

Smudges sorry to hear your having a tough time, must be so heartbreaking hope monday brings you better news xx


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## Macgyver

Smudgey


I didn't want to read a run, and wanted to say I will be thinking of you and hope they come to the right decision and you get your lo home with you very soon


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## becs40

Another one that can only echo what's been said already. Devastated for you after the amazing courage you've shown over the past few days. Really hope things are sorted on Monday for you. A really long weekend ahead of you I'm sure but hopefully then you'll be able to start your lives together.


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## Sq9




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## AoC

I have hope for you, Smudgey.


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## katie c

oh bloody hell, what a horrid shock   

i can't believe they're worried she 'hasnt attached' neither had master c after intros, far from it! and we had a longish intro period too.

so hope it's sorted on monday and you can have as good a weekend as possible.


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## Dame Edna

Smudgey  

Sending positive thoughts your way for your meeting on Monday  
X


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## Flash123

Smudgey, I'm so very sorry to hear  this news. I hope Monday brings better news. I really do understand how it feels when you believe you may be loosing your lo, hang on in there, stay strong and on Monday you give social services hell and fight for your lo with all your heart.
I wish I could make this hug a real one xxxx


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## Poppets Mammy

What   

Surely disrupting the placement now isn't exactly ideal for LO either seeing the experience would have an impact on any future introductions. I really truly hope you get all this none sense sorted on Monday and I pray there's no more delays on getting LO home. No-one attaches during introductions. Everyone finds them difficult, they are emotional and awkward. And I think most of us will admit to thoughts of doubt and worry.   For a good outcome for all involved xx


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## crazyspaniel

Thinking of you Smudgey  
Hope everything gets resolved on Monday xx


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## babas

Hope Monday brings you could news xx


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## oliver222

Hope you get good news on Monday x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending lots of hugs and support your way x x


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## Hunibunni

Sending you lots of hugs too hun   


Xx


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## summer girl

Smudgey thinking of you and I really hope and pray that Monday brings a positive outcome for you and that SS see sense xxx


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## newmum

Thinking of you


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## skyblu

This is bloody ridiculous and I am really fuming for you  

As everyone has said lo's don't bond or show any attachment at intros, as I always say Intros are false.
I really hope you can sort this out on Monday and things can move on for you guys.
I would also question the fc's motives, our's where hell but we stood up to them and more of less told them she is ours now and you are NOT going to put me off or intimidate me any more. I told our SW that I felt the fc was trying to get between us bonding with lo and she was given a flee in her ear.

If all goes well for you on Monday( and I pray they will) insist that lo is taken home asap as 2 weeks is too long for lo's of that age.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.
Skyblu.xxx


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## lynsbee

Oh Smudgey sending you huge (((hugs)))  
I have everything crossed for you for mondays meeting   and that with the full story LO will soon be on her way to you. xxx


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## Smudgey

Thanks for your support guys  

We have sent a long email to senior mgr at LOs LA and all we can do now is sit and wait xxxx


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## Anjelissa

Hi Smudgey,

I just want to wish you luck for tomorrow 

I also want to add that our intros were planned to be 11 days (which our SW thought was far too long for the age of our daughter) as did we, as our last intros were only a week (for our son who was a similar age).
Our daughter's LA dug their heels in however and insisted they wanted them to be at least 11 days 
By the date of our intro review ( day 8 ) it was agreed to shorten them and bring her home 2 days early.
It was starting to have a negative affect as our daughter was transferring attachment so well but the length of intros was starting to confuse her and have a negative affect on everyone.
She was starting to get confused when we took her back each evening, our son was starting to get distressed and confused as to why she kept having to go back, the foster carer's children were starting to get upset, and obviously it wasn't benefitting us or the fc's either.
Our fc even mentioned on day 7 that it was ludicrous that we had to carry on going for another 4 days.
As we all felt the same way (and our wonderful sw backed us in our view that it wasn't benefitting anyone least of all our lo to prolong intros) our little girl's LA backed down and agreed to shorten them by 2 days.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is intros are so very hard and I know from experience that the first time we just went along with everything because we didn't know any better (our first fc did so many things that she shouldn't have which made it all so much harder for us) and of course you are just so worried about what everyone thinks.

I now know with the benefit of hindsight (and experience of the two different extremes of FC's and LA's) that you really do have to stick up for yourselves and say what you feel is best for both yourselves and your lo.
You mentioned that your lo seems a bit confused now due to the length of intros, this in turn could be making you feel as if it's not going well etc. It just is of no benefit to anyone when intros go past a certain time.

I hope it all gets sorted out 

Lots of luck, I'm thinking of you 

Anj x


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## Duckling

Smudgey I just wanted to add my support and good luck.  I really hope you get this sorted very quickly . 
Duckling x


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## lynsbee

Just wanted to send my best wishes and pma to you. Fingers crossed todays meeting will be good news! Will be thinking of you and have everything crossed. Good luck xx


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## Hunibunni

Good luck for today Smudgey xx


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## crazyspaniel

Smudgey,
Anj is right about the length of intros having an effect on everyone, our intros became very complicated and we ended up doing them for 16 days.... I'm sure this didn't help dd to develop an attachment to us as she was just so confused by the end. Her fcs also did little if any preperation with her  

Really hope this works out the way you would like it too xxx


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## GERTIE179

Good luck today Smudgey x


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## Flash123

Good luck today smudges. I hope that ss see common sense and realise the impact the length of intros has, as others have said. Ours were extended to 9 days, lo was 8 months and showed cleared signs of confusion and distress.

Will be thinking of you xx


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## flickJ

Sending you   's and hoping for a positive outcome Smudgey, my thoughts are with you xx


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## Primmer

Good luck today, will be thinking of you


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## Jess75

Good luck xxx


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## daisy0609

Good luck today smudgey thinking of you xx


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## ma1978

Thinking of you sweet today. X x x


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## MummyPhinie

Thinking of you today x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Been thinking of you hope its gone well x x


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## crazyroychick

Not posted before as we are not at your stage and still waiting but been following thread,  really hope yesterday went well xx


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## EverHopefulmum

Truly can't believe what has happened to you. I've got everything crossed for you, so hope everything gets sorted asap for yours and the child's sake xxx


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## Twinkie

Been thinking of you. Hope yesterday went well xx


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## Smudgey

Hi all , we have had a reply from senior mgr at LOs LA and she is going to call a meeting to discuss what we do from here , so now waiting again for a date , she said it will be this week . Thanks for all your support xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You poor thing that's really tough.  Have intros still been halted till the meeting?  You'd think that this would be done immediately for the welfare of all involved.  Really hope it's sooner rather than later x x x


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## Smudgey

Yes intros halted , we haven't seen LO since thurs night   

We have a date of thurs late PM , sounds like it will be a bit like panel again , keep everything crossed for us guys xxxxx


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## Sq9




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## becs40

Oh Smudgey I've been checking this thread every hour for the past couple of days for any news. It's awful that this is happening. Stay strong and I wish you all the best for Thursday and hope it all gets sorted out properly for you and lo is home with you where she belongs.


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## Hunibunni

I've been waiting anxiously for news too. I will keep everything crossed for you. Make sure you fight your corner! Good luck for Thursday xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Will be using all my prayers for good news for you lovely x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I think it's safe to say every single person on this forum is behind you lovely. Thinking of you so very much


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## lynsbee




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## Waiting_patiently

Everything crossed for you that you get it all sorted and get your lo home where you all belong   xx


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## claudia6662

Hope everything works out for you in the end


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## katie c

oh my goodness, thursday afternoon? how cruel? i thought they were making a decision today not making a decision when to make a decision!   

is this all down just to you being honest? you'd think that'd be applauded! i'm horrified they're using this as a 'weapon.'


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## summer girl

Smudgy keeping everything crossed for you, will your SW support you at the meeting? Iis there any advise Adoption UK can give you to make sure you're prepared as much as you can be?  Thinking of you   Xx


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## skyblu

Thinking of you Smudgy and I hope there is a happy outcome on Thursday. You must be devastated on not see lo since Thursday night, the poor little thing is going to be so confused.
As summer girl has said, get in touch with Adoption UK and get all the advice you can get and fight for your little girl .   

Skyblu.xxx


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## Flash123

Smudgey, Thursday ?? That's simply awful and it seems so very cruel. The wait must be tortuous, you poor, poor things. Take care and stay strong xx


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## GERTIE179

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Take care of yourself x


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## crazyroychick

Thinking of you, hope tomorrow goes well for you and everything gets sorted out xx


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## oliver222

Cant believe that they are making you wait. Hope tomorrow goes well.


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## sass30

Smudgey hope you get your LO home soon with you. We all have wobbles and doubts and thats me before were were even placed. Thinking of you and hope you get the result you deserve xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thinking of you today and your beautiful lo x


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## GERTIE179

Good luck for today and hope it's the right outcome x


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## daisy0609

Good luck today will be thinking about you xx


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## Flash123

Good luck today. Will be thinking of you xx


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## AoC

Good luck today.  We're with you, hon.


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## Belliboo

Hope everything goes ok today sending lol x


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## MummyPhinie

Thinking of you today and sending


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## Cornish pixie

Hope today goes well xx


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## Jess75

Hope today goes in your favour good luck x


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## Hunibunni

Good luck for your meeting today xx


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## tinkerbell80

Good luck little pink deserves to be with you xx


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## DRocks

Fingers firmly crossed x


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## EverHopefulmum

Got everything crossed for you....look after yourself. xxx


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## Bethlehem

Also wishing you well.


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## Anjelissa

Thinking of you and hoping it all goes really well today 
Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## crazyroychick

How did you get on? Good news I hope xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

I really hope you've got good news today honey xxx


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## Duckling

Hope good news today. Thinking of you.   Xx


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## EverHopefulmum

Any news? Desperately hoping things will work out ok xxx


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## Smudgey

Hi guys , am afraid the outcome of the meeting wasn't good , they feel that they cannot risk LO going through intros again and it going wrong . Also FC has said lots of things to the panel that are just not true or very exaggerated . Long story but FC wants to keep her for a while longer and this will suit her circumstances totally . Feel very betrayed by the system and sad and angry . Can't believe that we are not going to be part of LOs life  
We have been in touch with BAAf and there is no process of appeal although we can write to say we don't agree with their outcome but it won't overturn their decision . 
We have had to sort through all LOs stuff and bag it up to give back to FC which was so hard . And we have taken all baby gates etc down and put all LOs stuff in her room and shut the door . 
We are going to have some time out for now but we will still carry on with the process and we are trying to stay positive that this match just wasn't right for whatever reason and our little princess is still waiting for us xxxxxx 
Thanks you for all your messages and support it has meant a lot xxxxxxx


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## summer girl

Smudgey I'm so sorry to hear your news, I imagine you're devastated at the moment and I can feel you're pain, the FC has a lot to answer for, I hope that it all works our well for the LO. As you say your little princess is out there for you and I hope your SW will support you in finding her quickly for you. Big     coming your way xxx


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## becs40

Oh Smudgey, there are no words. How utterly devastating for you. I really hope you can find the strength to carry on as the courage and determination you've shown I think would make you a fantastic Mummy. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. Huge hugs to you.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry that's awful.  Words can't really express how much you must be going through hugs x


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## newmum




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## Anjelissa

Oh Smudgey, I'm so sorry to hear your news  
I hope you get all the support you need during this difficult time 
I look at things the same way as you in that when things like this happen in life it's maybe due to a bigger reason and in this case that reason being (like you say), that your little princess is still out there waiting for you and you just haven't crossed paths yet.
It doesn't always help right in the thick of things and doesn't always make sense of the 'why' it's happened, but I've found that this coping strategy has always helped me stay strong (through failed IVF's and through life's many trials in general).
The fact that you can already can look forward with that positive attitude will hopefully help a little to come to terms with all that's going on right now .

I'm thinking of you 

Anj x


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## crazyroychick

Gutted for you Smudgey, big hugs and although it doesn't help right now your LO will be out there somewhere just waiting for you xx

I really hope your SW is supporting you through this difficult time xx


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## GERTIE179

So sorry to hear this smudgey. I really hope your SW is helping you and fighting your corner.
X


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## oliver222

I am so very sorry for you and your DH. I cant even begin to imagine how devastated that you both feel. And as everyone has said your LO is out there. xxxx


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## Sq9

so sorry to hear that smudgey. Can't imagine how you must be feeling. Take care of yourselves


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## Dame Edna

I'm very sorry, Smudgey.

X


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## GoofyGirl

So sorry to hear that Smudgey 

Looking forward to the day you meet your very own LO

Big hugs
Xxxxx


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## claudia6662

Oh Smudgey i am really truely sorry , i really am   , im just speechless and sending you lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Macgyver

Oh Smudgey, I am so so sorry to hear your news. I can't believe this has happened to you. I wanted to send you and your dh lots of    Xxxxxxxxx


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## Duckling

I am so so sorry


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## Belliboo

So Sorry to read your news xxx


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## Hunibunni

Hi Smudgey I totally feel gutted for you.  Sending you lots of hugs and my best wishes to you and your DH...may be it was your little inner voice trying to say something and you just knew it wasn't right and your little princess is waiting for you xx

Take care 

Xx   xx


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## MummyElf

No words really smudgey, I'm just completely gutted for you and cannot imagine how you're feeling. Hugs to you and hubby at such a difficult time xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So sorry my lovely   Hoping you and family can all pull together and get through this extremely difficult time


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## Flash123

I just don't know what to say smudgey. Sending you much love to you and your family xxxxx


----------



## MummyPhinie

Sending you and your other half lots of love x x


----------



## DRocks

My heart is broken for the both of you, sending all my love x x x


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## flickJ

I am so, so sorry that this has happened Smudgey, I hope you find your LO soon    

Stay strong, hun


----------



## Miny Moo

Oh Smudgey, I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now, take some time out for you and your other half, re charge your batteries, intros are such an emotionally draining time with out all that you have been through heaped on top.

A cliche I know, but your little one is out there somewhere, sending you a huge virtual hug, go look after yourself for a change x


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## tigerbabe

I'm so sorry smudgey everyone is here for you just try and think positive your LO is out there somewhere waiting for you xx


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## Lorella

So sorry smudgey  
Xxx xxx


----------



## babas

Hugs smudgey xxx


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## panorama

Hi just seen this thread and so sorry to hear about you have gone through, it's very tough.   


I have a friend who went through a similar thing, her first intros broke down and they ended up walking away as it just wasn't right. After some time out they went back and ended up adopting a little daughter who was just meant for them and they are so relieved that they ended up waiting a bit longer for her. Sometimes fate is very cruel and it's hard to believe, but hopefully your little one is out there when the time is right.


Love panorama x


Ps I think everyone has doubts, I know I did, not at intros but later on, but now I can say hand on heart that I lovel my lo, don't think I could say it for a long time xx


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## skyblu

Words fail me Smudgy. Sending you and dh lots of . Your lo is out there.

Look after yourselves.

Skyblu.xxx


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