# Only child through infertility?



## LadyMoonlight

Is anyone facing this?

We have a DS who was born in November 2006 but we are not having any success in conceiving another baby.

Recent sperm analysis shows my DH's count and motility are very low (they were low when our son was conceived but are significantly worse now) - plus I'm nearly 37 so time is running out - and we've been told our only way forward at this point is ICSI.  As we no longer qualify for NHS treatment and can't raise the funding for private ICSI, I'm guessing our journey towards parenthood stops here.

I feel so jealous of those having their second or third babies (often with a first child whos younger than my DS!)  Some are just naturally more fertile than us, others have been able to afford the tx which we can't.  I just feel so resentful and bitter and I'm really trying not to be.

I can't beleive I'll never go through pregnancy and birth or have a newborn again.

And I worry so much for my son being an only child, its not what I wanted for him!!!  He's lonely as it is as there are no other children in the family.  I dread the day when he asks me why he doesn't have a brother or sister.

How do you cope?


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi Ladymoonlight

It's so hard isn't it, and coming to terms with the fact that it might never happen isn't something which happens overnight.  In fact I think most of us on this thread would agree that even after ttc number 2 for several years sometimes it feels just as raw as when we'd only just started trying.

On a more positive note though, it does get easier. My dd is 6 now and has gone past the point where a sibling would be a playmate anyway. I think once I'd got my head around that it really helped and eased the urgency a bit. Some days I feel positive and think that maybe it'll still happen for us, and on the days when I don't think it'll ever happen I just try to focus on the positives of our life. I also think that as they get older you move in different circles so you spend less time with pregnant people and people with babies as you're not going to toddler groups etc any more. I know this is quite a way off for you yet, but I just wanted you to know that it does get easier even if the problem doesn't go away.

I don't want to preach to the converted but has your DH tried vitamins and diet to improve his count at all? 

Anyway take care

Faithful x


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## Jane D

Faithful

that was a lovely post.  I am sure Lady moonlight would appreciate it as much as I have.  You are so right.  My dd is nearly 4, and I think when your child gets to this age and beyond, the awkward questions do fade slowly.  The worst stage is when your child is 18months (when I started ttc number 2) and everyone asks about number 2.  The older the child gets I would hope intellligent people  think, ok lifestyle reasons, monetary reasons or medical reasons are behind their situation.  

Why not join the secondary ladies on the daily messages?  they are so kind and understanding.

Jane


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## zacsmum

Hi Ladymoonlight
I have a little boy who is nearly 4. He also is going to be an only one. I get totally fed up with friends and complete strangers asking when I'm having 'the next one'. I've had strangers tell me I'm not being fair to me little boy if I don't have another one... People don't seem to understand that it's its not through choice. 

I must admit it is so hard when your child asks for a brother/sister. When I said "no mummy can't have any more babies", my son said he would buy a baby with his pocket money . It broke my heart. Since then I have been honest with him and he has just accepted it. He is now very matter-of -fact if people ask him if he has brother or sisters. 
Its slightly different for us as i have lost 4 babies early on and lost a little boy at 22 weeks last year. We visit his grave so it sort of felt right to explain to my 'big' boy what had happened. I used really simple language and watched his response - when he asked a question I answered it rather than giving him a monologue! Your son is too little for that yet but being honest with my son was the best thing. (He was 3 1/2 when i told him )

The hardest thing right now is my 3 close friends who have new borns. They are so wrapped up in the joys of motherhood that they don't see that its torture for me. 
As the other ladies say, the older your child gets the less contact you'll have with babies - for that reason I'm looking forward to my little boy starting school. 

It is about focusing on what you have - some days its impossible and i just accept that I do have days when the sight of a double buggy will have me in tears. I tell myself that its OK to feel that way because when you have carried a baby you know what you're missing. 

It does get easier. Sometimes you may feel like you're the only one not having a second baby but reading posts here will let you know that you're not alone in this.
Also there are plenty of happy only kids out there
Sarah X


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi again

I just wanted to add that the for the first time a couple of weeks ago my dd said that she didn't want any brothers or sisters as she liked being on her own. She has never said that before and always used to ask for a brother or sister. I gave her a big hug, it was such a relief.

Faithful x


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## Jane D

Hello

My dd today said that she would not like a sister (no mention of brother), the first time she has said anything like this.  I think she is realising how good she feels being queen bee, prima donna and asking for , but not getting my attention 100% of the time.  Hope noone thinks I spoil her!  All I can say is in my experience, only kids have excelled at school and gone on to hold down good jobs.  
This keeps me going and will keep me going should deivf fail.

Jane


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## ramblingrose

Hi, I've just spotted this thread.

I have to admit this is a huge factor is my 'issues' at the moment. It's 50/50 me wanting another, and for DS to have a sibling which he would gain so much from. Both me and DH have brothers and sisters that we get on really well with, and I cannot imagine being a lone child and really more than anything I do not want that for my DS, who is now 8. I had depression for the first 4-ish years after having DS, hence why we didn't TTC another sooner, but we started trying in July 2005 and here we are over 3 years later still in the same position (but with the added knowledge that I can't conceive without help) It absolutely kills me. I feel so much that DS' birth was a learning curve where I was not at my best, that I was looking forward to giving him a sibling and being relaxed and enjoying it all a bit more. 

I really envy people when they talk about their kids playing together (and even fighting together!) and everywhere I turn there are people with 2 or more. When my DS gets his school photo done it's one of the hardest days as I see his friends with their little brothers or sisters in their best clothes grinning for the camera, and when I see my DS sitting there on his own I really have to bite back the tears. Another time is when we go on holiday and DS is playing on his own on the campsite or wherever we are.

My Ds mentions fairly often that he is lonely and why doesn't he have a brother or sister like all his friends, and that just makes me feel terrible for him. I know I am so very very lucky to have him, and I love him to bits, but our family just doesn't feel complete and I want him to grow up with someone to walk alongside him in life. It seems such a long time ago that I was pregnant (almost 9 years since I had that BFP) and I feel deep inside that it just isn't going to happen again. And as much as I am gutted, absolutely gutted for myself, I can try and live with that - but for my DS, who I would move heaven and earth for, I just can't give him the best gift of all.

If anyone says anything to me now about him being the only one, I am honest with them and tell them I cannot have any more. That usually shuts them up.

I've now upset myself typing this and I have to go out to work shortly...so I'd best pull myself together eh?


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## lola C

Ramblingrose - I could have written your post - almost.  

I tell myself that my DS is loved, he is cared for, he is happy,healthy, bright and, at the end of the day he has a good life.  

He never really asked for another sibling but he noticed that other people had them and we didn't.    I found it quite hard walking out the school gates after dropping him off and feeling surrounded by an army of mums with pushchairs...  

But when I come on here and read stories of repeated failure and  heartbreak and  I can see how lucky I am to be so blessed


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## BABY2

Hello Ladies, 

I haven't posted here before and I couldn't just read and run as they say.

As an only child myself I always found people's comments more hurtful than my actual predicament. Comments like:

" Oh you are so lucky to be an only child"
"Oh I hate my brother/sister/ ,you wouldn't understand, you are lucky to be an only child"
" Isn't it lonely being an only child?"
"I wish I was an only child"
"You must be so spoiled"
"You lucky thing, you don't have to share your parents' attention"
"How do you cope being an only child?"
"Are you adopted"!!
"blah blah blah "
It was hard for me when I was younger , even though I have a big family and lot of cousins who are like my siblings, I learned to defend myself, I learned to socialise much better and I am great at sharing my stuff etc etc.
I can honestly say that the only bad experience I have had as an only child is the pressure I have had on me from my parents, in particular my mother but that's another story!, They have always expected me to be perfect, the best, Number 1 but I ended up being a complete rebel and the worst teenager ever 
So I was never  worried about my dd being an only child and once I broke up with her father very early on in her life, I always knew that in order for me to be comfortable enough to have another man in both our lives he would have had to had/have or loved children, and I ended up with someone who had two of his own ,even though my stepchildren live in USA , my dd has loved having a "sister and brother" and has a good relationship with them (perhaps because they see each other once or twice a year  )
My concern now is how will she cope with a new baby after 14 years on her own , even though she has very slowly started to warm to the idea!! But as lola c said, having gone through the IVF journey, I realise how blessed I was with just having the one

Love and hugs to all

P xx


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## SUSZY

hi
This is a nice thread but sad if you know what I mean.
I know I know some of you from the 2ndry IF thread and we could have all written each others posts sometimes you find out new things about people too.  Rambling your post made me nearly cry too!  You have had it tough and we are here for you.
Jane as ever you write lovely posts and FFh all wonderful stuff and I am beginning to feel like you now.  I did not before but I do now and focusing on the positives has been good and I too feel with Ds being 7 in Feb that the time we really needed the sibling has gone.  I have written on other threads that I have started to notice all the kids in ds class who have much older siblings and so in many ways are the same as ds with no one at home to play with as they do diff things.
Its so hard but we do have to make the best of of it and see that there must be some advantages to having only one.
Also we are getting a fur baby soon so i will have my hands full there.
I could write for hours but need to rake some leaves up outside or dh will shout!
we are getting on quite well for a change, this latest grief situ and talk of puppies has made us closer - I knew it would be make or break.  Have loads more to say but must fly,
love
susie


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## sarylou

Hi, I havent been here for so long now   and will catch up in a moment. 

For me the guilt I carry for being unable to give ds a sibling is horrible   he used to ask me every xmas have I been good enough for a brother or sister this year and each time his class mates had a sibling he would ask when is it my turn and I'd just crumble and die. 
Every year that has passed since I first started ttc (when he was 2) Ive noticed the age gap just grow and DS has recently turned 10 and now I feel he will never benefit from a sibling as this gap is just too great. 

My son has everything he wants, is a mummys boy through and through as I just mother him soo (too) much. 

I no longer do the dreaded school run as I just couldnt cope with all the buggys and people with more than one child and the bitterness I felt towards them was making me into an evil person


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## MIMI4

Hi

I don't post very often but just felt I should because after reading this thread I feel so much better.  PHEW!! Well I have to say all the feelings I have read above is exactly how I feel and have felt. My ds is now 6 and people have stopped asking me 'are you going to have any more?' Now they say 'did you not want anymore?'. Everyday is a I promise myself I'm not going to let my infertility take over my life, but it has. I know people would say 'but you have a child', yes I do I am so grateful to have him, I feel very lucky but as someone commented before I have been preg twice (1 [email protected] wks last yr ) and to believe that you are never going to get a bfp, then you do is such a fantastic feeling, then to go through a pregnancy and hold your new baby......something I will never forget. I hate to think I will never get that feeling of a bfp again.

My ds is my world and has asked me on a number of occasions about a sibling. As he is older now I have told him that mummys tummy isn't working properly so we might not have another baby. He doesn't ask so much now that I've given him an honest answer. Yes, I feel there are times when he gets lonely but he does have cousins so at least he has someone to relate to. 

I was also dreading him starting school because again like someone else I was putting pressure on myself to conceive before he started school. Now he's over 5 if I do fall preg again I have accepted that the age gap is bigger than I'd hoped but I try to stay positive with the fact that we have ds and some people don't even have one (my cousin- I think of her especially when I'm low)

Oh and now if anyone asks I tell them the truth because, yes, it does shut them up! 

If it wasn't for ff I think we would've all gone mad by now. 

Thank you

MIMI4
x


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## Pand

Having read through all of these posts, I'm really beginning to think this would be a great permanent thread.  I know just from our secondary chat thread that there are now quite a few of us who are having to come to terms with the fact that our IF journeys are over and we will only ever be blessed with one child.  I could have written every post above.  I have experienced exactly the same feelings and emotions and no doubt will continue to do so for some time yet.  

My DS is nearly six years old and like many of you, we have been pretty honest with him that we won't be able to have any more children.  He stopped asking for brothers and sisters some time ago.  In fact the other day, I told him we had been trying to make a baby for three years now he looked really shocked bless him!!!!  It completely breaks my heart that he will never have any brothers or sisters and it just destroys me when I see him with my friends' children being an absolute poppet.  But as you have all said there are so many positives to having an only child.  There is a really good book called the Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child.  It's written by a lady who had seconary IF and eventually gave up rather like many of us.  It gives great tips for avoiding the pit falls of parenting an only child and lots of positives too.  

I don't think the pain of being denied another child will ever truly go away but I am much more reassured that my DS will be fine.  I intend to spoil him rotten and give him the best possible life I can.  At least this way we will be able to get ourselves straight financially (after paying off all of our tx debts), then I intend to do things like take him to Disney, take him skiing etc.  When he gets older I'm going to take his friends on holidays with us.  As for coming to terms with it myself, I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I have kept a journal of my journey and have often considered writing a book about it.  Who knows.  

As for other people, I don't think anyone ever really gets how painful this is until they have experienced it themselves.  Some people are more understanding than others, but even my family don't get it.  I regularly get comments like "At least you have your DS" which really stings in so many ways.  If people ask whether I will have any more I'm honest and tell them I can't.  And when they look at me as it to say "Why" I tell them, I've had two operations, a miscarriage, 6 months of clomid and 2 failed cycles of IVF, and after that they usually look sheepish enough!!!  

I really think it would be useful to have a specific thread for those of us who have secondary and are moving on.  The moving on board is lovely, but as always with secondary IF you don't want to offend those with primary and feel you can't speak freely.  

Anyway thank you for posting this thread.  It's helped me to get a few things off my chest!

Take care

Pand


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## Pand

Sorry, to add to my last I've just checked the moving on board.  There is a moving on thread for people with only children!!! Think I will be posting there from now on!!

Pand


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## jakesmum

HI everyone, I just fell across this thread by accident and I'm so glad I did.  I can completely relate to all of the posts!  My DS will be 6 in February, and it breaks my heart that we haven't been able to give him a little brother or sister.  We are txing again in January, but I've already been thinking to the future about how old DS would be when any future sibling started school etc etc.  

My dad was an only child, and when I had our son, I'll always remember him saying to him, "don't let him be an only child".  I think it was particularly hard for my dad when my grand parents became ill and passed away whereas my mum (who is one of 6) had siblings for support.  Funnily enough, now my dad's tune has changed, and he says what will be will be, I'm sure he wishes he'd never said that in the first place lol 

My brother has just married and his wife is desperate for a baby, so no doubt we'll have the pitter patter of tiny feet soon enough and I'll try to be a fab aunty. 

Thanks for sharing your stories. 

Ems


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## Sue74

Hi everyone, I'm so glad i found this thread, I could have written all the above stories, its comforting to know I'm not alone in, but wish none of us were in this position.  I managed to conceive my DD age 6 naturally after being told I wouldn't be able to as I don't ovulate, miracles can happen.  I have been trying for a little brother or sister for 3 years, an despite clomid it hasn't happened .

I feel heart broken as not a day goes by when my little girl doesn't ask when mammy will have a baby in her tummy.  She said that she is going to ask santa for one as it worked for the little girl on Miracle on 34th street!.  What makes matters worse is that her best friend at school has just got a little brother, this seems to have made the situation intensify.  At the moment I'm coming to terms with the fact that they may not be another child, I did sit my DD down and try to explain this but she seems to think santa will solve it!

I feel blessed to have one child but I'm finding it hard like the rest of you to accept that I may never conceive again and that my DD will not get the baby brother or sister she so desperately wants.  Everyone around me seems to be having their second child and asking when I will be next.  As much as it hurts I'm now trying to be honest and say I can't have another one.  

Just hope all of our dreams come true, sending lots of          .
Good luck to everyone
Love sue xxxxxx


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## mollyone

Just new to FF in the past week. Just found this thread and hope it will start up again. Not sure what you mean  by the moving on thread!! I too have one child who is 8. She was conceived so easily and we never thought the next would be the struggle it has turned out to be. We waited 2 years and finally got PG but I had a missed miscarriage at 5 months and delivered a little girl who had Turners syndrome. After that no luck so went to IVF and had 3 but was a poor responder each time. The last one I got a BFP but had an early miscarriage a week later. After much thought we turned to egg donation. Have just had a BFN from our fresh cycle and am gutted. Hope to go back for FET in July and trying to keep positive. My little girl used to ask for a sibling every day but now just occasionally. If ( oh what a word!!) I did get PG I would not worry about the big age gap as I have 2 older sisters  - age gaps of 9 and 13 yrs and although they didnt feature much in my life when I was younger we are great friends now and so supportive of each other.
MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

welcome to FF, its great on here and I feel I've had loads of support and have made so many good friends.  It sounds like you have certainly been through the mill over the last few years, sorry about your earlier losses .

I was wondering how was your little girl during your treatment, did you tell her you were having treatment, how did she take it in and did she understand any of it.  Sorry to ask so many questions but I'm coming up to IUI treatment and I don't know how to explain to my daughter why mammy may be missing or need to rest at times.  At 7 they do have some ideas that something is going on, but obviously I don't want to tell her too much.  It's so hard as my best friend has just fallen pregnant for the second time and her son is best friends with my daughter, I'm thrilled for her but I haven't told my daughter yet, as I know she will wonder why she can't have a brother or sister .

Thats great that you're going to have FET in july, lets hope you have a natural miracle before then, I do sometimes try to think it could happen, after all we did it once .  I do hope one day soon we have our  , sending you lots of        .

Good luck with the treatment
love suexxxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue, nice to hear from u. I didnt tell my daughter that I was having treatment. First time we went to Barcelona she stayed with her aunt and we told her mum and dad were having a romantic weekend!! Then for ET which was over a weekend again we said her aunt had enjoyed having her to stay so much she wanted to do it again. I just couldnt tell her as she would only get v upset if it didnt work and I really dont want her telling her friends at school that mummy is trying to get a baby. When I lost the baby at 5 mths she talked and cried about it for a year which I found hard to cope with so I think that for her the best decision is to say nothing. She did pat my tummy the other morning and say "what a fat tummy, are u going to have a baby " ( I was v bloated) and then "please mummy will you have a baby". It breaks my heart that I am so powerless in this. To answer your other question we just tell her that mummy has bad stomach pains and needs to rest and so far she accepts this as we dont make a big deal of it and my DH keeps her amused and occupied.
Love MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Thanks mollyone, it is sooo difficult coping with their disappointment too, I could   when she mentions it.  I wish we could give them the little brother or sister they long for. I think I will take your advice and say very little, I can come up with some story why I'm not there as usual. I think you're right we are powerless in this and I constantly struggle each day when people ask me, are you having anymore, I've started now to say I don't think I can have anymore and at least they don't ask again, but this does make me  .

One day I'm sure we will get our   , just got to keep   
love sue xxxx


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## mollyone

hi sue, on a real downer today. Met a friend for lunch - she 39, just recently married and baby a year later!! SHe told me about some girl 42 who has 3 kids and is 6 months pregnant with the "happy surprise"". Just wanted to run out and cry. Why can I and all of on this thread not have a happy surprise too? My daughter has asked me non stop today for a baby sister and it getting to me. Sorry for being a whinge but just feeling angry with all the unfairness of it tonight. Hopefully will feel better tomorrow!!
Love MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone sending you a big , it is so unfair this merry go round of infertility  that none of us signed up to be on, why us eh? It amazes me how easy it is for other people to fall pregnant and have a nice surprise, when we have to constanlty check the calender, CM, temps, OPK's etc etc  .

I felt like you did last week and had a good , my friend 40 told me she was expecting her second, she even showed me the   test, to which I thought bet thats the only 2 lines I'll ever see.  I was happy for her but I hurt so much as I wished it was me.  I daren't tell me DD yet as I know it will bring upset for her too.  Its good to share your thoughts on here as we all truly understand how you feel, it is so unfair.  I find it hard to remain positive at times, hopefully we will get our happy suprise soon             . I've started to feel those dreaded AF craps so know this month will be a     , looks like the   will get me.
Sending you some            
Take care
love sue xxxx


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## mollyone

Thanks Sue. Just got my AF this am and even tho I knew it was coming just want to curl up. Chatting to you girls is such a support. My best friend knows how much I would love another and I'm sure yours does too but they have no concept of the pain  we go through and I suppose we cant expect them to. Until you have been in this situation you cannot even begin to imagine the desperation and hurt. Got to go to my mums today and she will just keep on saying "oh you never know what might happen" and then go on to list all the women she knows who had surprise pregnancies in their early 40s. I just have to grit my teeth and say nothing as I know she means well.
Must dash
MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

Hope you're having a bit better day today, sorry the  got you.  Don't you just hate it when people who have no idea what we go through make comments that drive you mad, I know they think they are helping.  But i got sick of people saying "just relax and it will happen" or "get drunk and it'll just happen" God I'd never be sober if that was the case  .  Its so hard to grit your teeth cos you feel like screaming at times.

I love being on here as I just know everyone is with me without having to describe the despair I feel, I would drive myself and DB mad if I didn't have FF. My stomach is bloated and still got af pains so I know shes on her way .  My hsg is booked for 11th may so looks like thats my next step before the IUI, you know when emotionally you just wonder if you're ready for it.....
Hope you're days been ok
love sue xxxxx


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## mollyone

Hi there just back. Mum went on today about how lucky I am as I have a child and how so many out there dont even have one. Yes I know thats true. You only have to read the other threads to be aware of that. And I am not saying the despair I feel is greater than what someone who has never had a child feels. My heart goes out to every one of the girls. But that doesnt take the sting out of the infertility that we now suffer. My mum and sis who keep harping on about how I should be feeling - "joy and pride and blah blah" have 4 and 3 kids each so havent a clue abut where I'm coming from. Listen to me harping on. Hopefully time will heal again the great big hurt I'm feeling.

Love MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone 

Hope you're ok, I'm sure time will heal the pain you feel right now,  I don't think this ever gets any easy but some how from somewhere we pick ourselves up and continue on this rocky road.  It amazes me where we get that strength from even though we are in a dark place at the time,  everyone on here is a strong woman due to what we go through with this nightmare.

I find it amazing that we can feel totally dispair then after a few days of serious talking to ourselves we seem to find the strength to continue our journey.  I know in a few days you'll feel like this, sending you              and I've blown you some bubbles
Take care sue xxxxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue, I just felt real bad harping on about myself so thanks. HAad a feeling sorry for myself morning then my DH took me and DD out for the day. It was a glorious day so feel a bit brighter. Now just want to get on the "trying to conceive route" again but must be patient as we defo not doing it until July. Dh is looking into the stuff you take for the immune problems and we think we will take meds even if dont have the tests. The stuff has no side effects anyway. Am also going to try and get acupuncture arranged too. U think of going down the IVf route ever? I did IUI twice but overstimulated on one cycle.
How do you blow bubbles? I cant work out all the nice stuff you girls do!! Our computer wont even send those nice little faces.
Love Mollyone XXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

Glad you had a good day out yesterday and the sun was shining , its really good that we can share our thoughts on here, we're always here to listen.  Thats great news that you've decided to try again in July, it will soon be here as the months fly round these days.  In the meantime its good that you'll be taking the meds and having acupuncture and you never know what could happen while you're waiting.......    I had acupuncture for a while and loved it it made me feel so relaxed.

I'm still waiting for the   to arrive, then at least I know in my mind I'll be moving on to IUI, although I'm apprehensive bout the tx it'll mean I am trying everything for that much wanted baby.  If the IUI doesn't work then we will prob move onto IVF, its that thing of trying absolutely everything isn't it. 
Had a bad day yesterday went into town shopping and bumped into an old school friend and her 2 children, shes just had a baby.  Of course she went onto say how fulfilled she was etc etc  and when was I having another baby, I just said I didn't think I was having anymore to which she reminded me how "lucky" I am to have one.  Needless to say I came home and   buckets. I know I'm blessed to have one child but that doesn't take the hurt and dispair away of wanting another child, why can people not see that the upset is just the same, its not wrong to want something so badly, is it.

I've woke early this morning and think we'll all have a walk if the weather here improves, I can give myself a bit of a positive mental attitude talk .  Hope you have a good day.  Oh to blow bubbles people usually have a click to blow sign underneath there name where you click.  I'm sending you lots of                 
love sue xxxx

I've woke early this morning


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## mollyone

Hi Sue, sorry to hear about your bad day. It just takes one thoughtless comment to screw up your day. Poss you are like me and generally get on with it but the desperation is really never too far from the surface. I might be ok and then lift a paper or mag to read and theres a story about somebody having another kid in their late 30's and the tears come as I think why not me My worst thing and my DH tells me off about this is reading the paper and scanning every story to find out the age of the woman and her kids ages and work out that she had them late and off course theres never just one kid but 2 or 3. I have got better tho. I used to sit in the park and count how many kids each person had and then torment myself by the fact that I seemed to be the only one with one child! How sad is that?? I jsut pray that your IUI works and you dont have to go down the IVF route. Well I'm back to work tomorrow YUK. It'll prob be good for me as I have to think about something else. 
Love MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

Hope you're ok and you've enjoyed the sunshine today.  Ive had a good day and got my positive head back on after we had a long walk in the park, i'm shattered now. You're spot on I do normally just carry on with things but certain situations just trigger me off, much like yourself.  I am guilty of torturing myself about it all, like asking myself what if, and analysing every symptom. I also get told off by DB .
I think the fact that I've had AF symptoms for a few days also hasn't helped.

But on a positive note we've both got our treatments ahead and that gives us lots of hope,  I'm sure we will get our  one day soon.  We've got a holiday to salou in May, looking forward to it, need time to chill and relax before IUI.  We've just got to keep positive.

Hope work goes ok, I'm back tomorrow too  , but you're rights it will take our minds of trying to conceive, well for a bit anyway
Take care love suexxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue how are things? Not been on as much lately what with going back to work after Easter and our laptop not working. Trying not to think too much about things and concentrate on DD but still ticking off the days to July and FET. Hope you getting some packing done for that holiday. That be nice!! We will probably try and combine our treatment in Barcelona with a holiday as I feel it is unfair for DD to miss out. We generally do the caravan thing abroad so that she has company but not sure how we will work it in Spain. We wont be able to book until I know my AF dates and by then it could be hard to get something.
Love MollyonexXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

How are you. Hope you're enjoying the sun and spending time with DD.  We've had a lovely weekend up here.  Glad you're planning for treatment in July, it keeps us thinking positive and at least we feel like we're doing something to help us on this journey.  Before you know it will be July, you won't have long to wait, no wonder you're ticking the calendar .

Well I've had a strange week, had AF symptoms for a while now and despite promising myself I wouldn't I have analysed every symptom and convinced myself I could be pregnant (many early symptoms are the same as AF, well thats my excuse anyway).  Much to DB annoyance , I must have driven him mad.  I could stand it no longer so rushed to Sainsburys for yet more clearblue tests ( I have shares in clearblue) and of course its  .  Then I  beat myself up for giving in and testing when I knew really that the   was on her way.  Any way I'm CD33 today and she has well and truly arrived .

So now I'm putting all energy into our lovely hol, got cases out of the loft and DD is so excited, she has grown so much that none of last years clothes will fit, so shame eh we'll have to go out shopping  for new ones.  Just a thought but where we are going is very close to Barcelona its a thomson family hotel with lots of kids clubs activities etc, there would be lots for you're DD to do whilst you have treatment, it would keep her occupied.  Its a really good area Port aventura theme park very near so DH could take her whilst you rest.  Just PM me if you want the details.
Anyway best start the bath and getting uniform ready for school, weekends go so quick don't they.  Sending you lots of      .  Hope you have a good week love sue xxxxxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue, great to hear from you. Would love the details of that hotel. We are just not sure what to do with DD when having treatment. My sis has offered to take her but I feel so bad about her not getting a holiday this year due to the treatment and that sounds like it could work. Thanks!! I know how you feel about the test. I remember once when AF came very late for me and I was sure this was it. Rushed into shops and bought test then to public toilet and as you've guessed a BFN. When I think of the money I have spent on those things..... 
Rushing out with DD to her rally group so chat later
Love MollyoneXXX


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## mollyone

Hi Sue having a real downer tonight. DD has been upset all pm asking us why she hasnt got a baby sis or bro? Says she feels left out as she is the only one in her class who hasnt. Dont know what started it but think it must be something they are doing in class. Feel such a failure. It so unfair that she has to feel like this because of the failings of my body. Want to scream and shout!!!! We just told her that she is very special but thats not what she wants to hear.
Love MollyoneXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

sending you big , poor DD if only they understood how hurt and upset we are that we can't give them a little brother or sister when others seem to do it so easily.  I'm like you and so blame myself and my duff eggs .  The feelings of failure are immense and then we hurt for them too, its funny how they don't mention it for a while then out of no where it comes out.

Its never easy trying to explain it to them, at times I'm not sure why myself that I cannot produce my much wanted baby, life is very unfair.  I will send you some                   and some       .

hope tomorrow is a better day
Love suexxxxx


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## faithfullyhoping

Hi mollyone

Had similar problem with my dd last week, a friend of ours is having another baby, her 1st is only 18 months. DD said she didn't understand how she was having a baby when she'd already got one, tried to explain that some people do - she asked why couldn't I be one of those people    Felt so sad but at the end of the day it's out of our hands.

          for us all

Faithful x


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## mollyone

Hi girls thanks for your posts. It just makes things seem easier to bear when you can share them with others who understand. Was going to write more but DH just home and going to take us out for tea. 
Talk soon
Love MollyXXX


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone and Faithful

Hope you are both ok and have had a good week.  It seems like everyday this week my DD has asked about a baby, she feels my tummy and says I'm sure theres a baby in there, I don't know who's more disappointed me or her when I have to tell her there isn't .

To top my week off today in the playground the main topic of converstion was babies and how you know what to expect for the second one, how its different this time round etc etc blah blah  then my friend turned to me and said sue you'll have to have another, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  what does she think I've been trying to do for the past 3 years, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Sorry for the rant girls, just needed to get that off my chest.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, sending you    and     

Love suexxx


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## Skybreeze

Sue


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## Sue74

Thank you so much skybreeze, it means a lot to know theres so much support on here  . 
  
  on your little beanie, thats wonderful news. Wishing you a great pregnancy and a restful 8 months. 

take care
love suexxxxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue, just back from FET and holiday. What a combination!! We arrived in barcelona 15th July and had the FET on the 17th. It was supposed to be the day before but when we went to the clinic they had defrosted my 3 embies and 2 of them had lost cells. They said it would be better coming back the next day to see if things had improved and they may have to defrost the blastocyst. We did that and the 2 that had lost cells were no longer viable but the other had gone from 5 to 12 cells and they had also defrosted the blastie which was good. Anyway then headed off to our camping resort and had a lovely 2 week holiday. We stayed in a camp site called Playa Montaig and it was fantastic. Right to the point I got a BFP 2 weeks later    !!!! I want to be excited but am scared to be as I just think how can this work for me? 
I had an infusion of intralipids the week before Et and have been on aspirin and prednisolone too. I also had acupuncture before and after Et and that was amazing. The last Et I had awful cramps for a week after and this time I had nothing. I was also very relaxed being on hols too. 
I did the PG test early in the morning and the very instant I did it got 2 strong lines. Hubby bought another one that pm and again 2 strong lines> I have always had to wait the required 3 mins before. 
Anyway enough about me.How are you? Would love to hear from you.
Lots of love Mollyone


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## Sue74

Hi Mollyone

           Well done I am sooooooo happy for you. you, DH and DD so deserve this   .  Wot a journey you had in spain but worth every minute, mind you the acupuncuture sounds increadible.  Wishing you a happy and healthy 8 months   .  Have you told DD yet?  Bet she will be so excited, hope you had a good holiday too.

We're all fine, enjoying the school hols.  Had my HSG test today, thankfully it wasn't as painful as I expected it to be, although I got the new lady and she struggled to get the cathetar in at first    but after this it was ok.  Anyway the good news is that all is well and my tubes are open .  Awaiting review appt with consultant before starting IUI, I just keep   we can do it au naturale before then.

Keep in touch, Bye for now love suexxx


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## mollyone

Hi Sue so good to hear your good news  and I will pray that it just happens! Thank you for all the good wishes. I have not told DD yet as am so scared something will go wrong. I know that sounds awful but with my history I can't think otherwise.  I have to book scan beginning of next week and hopefully that will confirm that all is well. Keep checking all the relevant bits to see if they are getting bigger or darker and am trying to convince myself that I feel tired!! I do tho!  DH is so supportive  - he has done most of the holiday ironing and wont let me do any hoovering! Think I should milk it!!
Keep me posted as to how things go with you
Love Mollyone XX


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