# Bad day today



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Hello ladies - It's been a v long time since I've been on FF and I haven't posted since my 4th loss in March. I have had a bad day today and I just need to talk to people who understand.  Today is the day I finally decided to definitely get a hysteroscopy done by Serum clinic in Athens to try and stop my recurrent miscarriages. My previously IF close friend text me this morning to tell me she is accidentally 3 months pg - her little boy was only born in March (day of my last mc!!!) She had one ivf to get pg that time and she has a 6 year old ds too who she took 2 years to get pg with naturally. She used to be my rock re IF as we used to talk to each other all of the time about it when we both had one - but I have found it very difficult since she has had her last baby. The cycle she got pg with him, I was cycling  too - and had a mc days after we both got our bfp's. And so her baby is a constant reminder that I could now  have had a child exactly the same age/stage etc. Cruelly ironic that my next mc was the day he was born. It is such a strange mix of emotions as I am truly pleased for her - but sad for myself. Dd is very good - I know she'd love a baby brother or sister but I have always made it clear to her that I can probably only ever have one baby - I would hate to get her hopes up. She senses not to go on about it I think - but I know she gets sad sometimes seeing her friends with their siblings. I know how blessed I am to have 7yo dd and I never take her for granted for a second - but it has still been very hard. We hav had around 16 cycles of iui/ivf since she was 18 months old and have spent a fortune. My last cycle I definitely had genetically normal eggs as we had them screened , and dh sperm frag test came back as excellent - so I know there must be a problem with my uterus. I have had 2 hysteroscopies in UK but they said all was fine. I am PRAYING that an operative hysteroscopy in Greece can help sort me out - and I will add in steroids, ab's and intralipids as usual. I don't know how I am yet again going to manage to see my close friend through another pregnancy - especially with a baby already in tow. Her older son is also constantly saying things to my dd about being a big brother and how nice it is having a baby brother and the look on her face just wants me to shout at him to shut up! My friend isn't particularly sensitive around me but she is a good person and tbh I think she thinks I'm more content having just the one than I am. She has also asked me to be godmother and I think she decided to get me involved rather than shying away from me for fear of upsetting me. I go through periods of being completely content with dd - we have such a close bond - but the guilt of not being able to hold onto a sibling for her without mc'ing eats me up.Sorry for the moan - it's been an emotional day


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## Chandlerino (Nov 30, 2011)

Hi Rachel, I can really relate to your post as I am in a similar position myself - you can see my history in my signature!

I have a 10 year old dd and have had to explain to her why I have been unable to produce a sibling for her. She is so desperate for a brother or sister it's become an obsession. We've had 3 IVF cycles in the last 12 months Nd no one can find anything wrong with either of us. It's so frustrating and depressing.

I too struggle with other people pregnancies and have avoided friends and colleagues at work since they've been pregnant so completely understand where you are coming from. There was a time that I would walk out of a shop if there was a pregnant woman in there!

I don't know what the answer is but I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen for me but it doesn't stop me hoping that I'm wrong.

Xxxx


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## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks so much for your reply - to know that other people are going through the same thing is sad - but it reassures me that I am not just overreacting. You poor thing - you have been through a lot   We are the same age too! Our history is similar in many ways. Have you considered an operative hysteroscopy in case of scarring that might not be picked up in the UK? I am putting all my hopes on this now. Since having steroids I have had a bfp in every ivf cycle since and so I know that is helping - but I can't hold onto the bfp for more than a few days. Each time - particularly after my ectopic when the hcg was rising and rising indicating a healthy embryo - I have felt absolutely devastated. I really hope you find a solution and your dream of a sibling for your dd comes true xxx


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## Trin Trin (Apr 27, 2011)

Hi there,

I just wanted to say that I really understand and I'm struggling so badly at the moment too. I'm feeling very bitter, jealous and envious at the moment. I'm really trying not to feel this way but I can't help it. My mind is just so negative of others and I'm constantly feeling irritable. 

I have a lovely 8 year old who was conceived with donor iui. It took 7 attempts to finally get a BFP at 29. During that time I felt like I was going mad as I thought it would have worked much sooner as all is okay with me. Thought I'd be content and happy with the one, daughter really wants a sibling and I desperately wanted another too. Started trying when my daughter was 6.5, this time it worked the 5th time. Sadly I miscarried at 11 weeks last October. I was devastated and it took me a long time to accept. My friend was pregnant at the same time and our dues dates were 2 weeks apart. Like you, I was asked to be a God parent which I'm finding really difficult...my god daughter is now 7 months which is the same age my baby would be.

I started treatment again in August using sibling sperm but only had 4 attempts left.....all 4 didn't work and now I think I'm going through some kind of depression as I just cannot accept the thought of not having another child. If I see pregnant women it just makes me cry which is ridiculous!!

I'm now thinking of ivf and having to use another donor....the cost is scaring me but I know if I have to it will go on a credit card. I just wish this didn't take over my life and the ability to be happy and content. Some women just don't know how lucky they are. My other friend has an 11 year old, sadly miscarried twins in 2010, conceived more twins in 2011, then conceived twins again within the same year!!! That's 4 babies under 15 months!!!

I only want 1 more......

It's just so hard. I just wanted you both to know that you're not alone.

Xx


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## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks so much for sharing. I do make sure that I get all the enjoyment out of dd growing up - but sometimes things happen to trigger the terrible feelings again. I also feel guilty as some women would cut their right arm off to have just one baby. I think it is possible to feel very grateful for the one we have and still find it hard accepting that they may never have a sibling. Dd is a really happy little girl - she is just what I always wanted - I just so wish I could give her the opportunity for a sibling that her friend's take for granted. I don't want to bring the mood of the board down - but it is such a relief to be able to offload sometimes to people who truly understand   xxx


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