# Second failed ICSI



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

So after a rubbish result second cycle (only 4 eggs and a terrible sample from DH) we've just had our second failure this morning and I'm left feeling so lost.

Our first cycle was an absolute disaster, we were so unhappy and argued massively all the way through it and I felt very sick with the meds.  This time it was perfect, it went so smoothly and we were so happy but we had a really poor response.  We got one perfect grade A embie at the end of it and did a 2 day transfer.  All the way through it felt so positive, I had such a feeling that it was our turn.

It wasn't though, my period is on its way, with a little spotting today and a definite negative test with a First Response (14dp2dt).  So I guess this is it.  That's our first cycle - 2x5AA day 3 embies and this cycle 1x5AA day 2 embie that haven't made it.  I guess that grade doesn't matter that much.  I had a scratch and took prednisolone too, I ate tonnes of protein & all the massively expensive recommended stuff, took so much care and was so relaxed.

We have only 1 frozen grade 5AA hatching blast left over from our first cycle but no money to be able to even have a FET.  It all feels a bit like this is it now.  I have to accept that I won't have children, I'm 40, we didn't even get a sniff of a natural pregnancy over the last 4 years (DH had a vasectomy and the reversal left him with a low count, 98-100% abnormalities and only 25% motility).

Maybe we can save up enough money before the clock ticks out, it feels unlikely.  It seems as though I will only experience being a step mum, which often hurts more than never being any sort of mum.  This weekend, I'll be proudly shown the cards that the kids have made their Mum for Mother's Day  .  I'll pack them off with kind words about how lucky their Mum is, the mother of my husband's children, and then I'll sob as they drive away  

I would have been such a wonderful Mum.  If my little embies could have held on from the last cycle, I would have been 4 months pregnant this Mothers Day and not reeling from our final failed cycle.

Sorry for the pity party ladies, I'm trying to get it all out of my system before my stepkiddies arrive in a couple of hours and I have to have a big smile on my face.  Thank you for listening xxx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Molly

I'm so very sorry for your loss, that is what it is its a loss of hope and dreams of what might have been, that is something that only us ladies in the infertility world can understand and it hits us like a thunderbolt and the after shocks just keep on coming!

I don't know if you have ever looked into immune testingbut ours gave us some help in how to improve our chances on the next cycle and I highly recommend them if you do try again.

I don't have step children so I cant even imagine how hard mothers day is for you, I know how it is for me, every other advert on tv is all about mothers and how hard they work and how great they are and i cant bear the constant reminder which is hard enough!

My thoughts will be with you this weekend willing you the strength to get through it with as little pain as possible and if you need some support or a rant you know how to reach me here!

Pudding
x


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