# brutal honesty required!



## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hi all of you - i'm sure i asked this question a while back but can't find my old question and i'm still dithering...

I'm pretty much passed the point of having any hope of having our own genetic children (i have the odd irrationally hopeful day, but they are few and far between  ). I kind of feel that if the child isn't going to be ours genetically then i would rather give a home to a child who needs one who already exists, rather than go the donor egg route (altho we are still giving that idea some consideration).

Do any of you know how likely it is that a couple our age (me 44, DP 56, both white) would get a young child? I've assumed that we probably wouldn't get a child under 3 or 4? I know this sounds awful, but I don't really want to take on a disabled child. I feel awful even writing that down - but having cared for my disabled mum from my teens to 30s I really don't want to go that route (altho I can't in all honestly say that's the real reason, I may just be trying to find excuses for myself  ). 

ANYWAY, I'm aware that these factors reduce our chances of a getting a young child. We're not ruling out an older child/children but are a long way from getting our heads around it (after 2 fairly recent miscarriages).

Also we'll be down in Devon (not sure if this makes any difference if we're in a rural area).

thanks in advance and sorry for repeating myself...

Sue xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Sue

The problem in answering your question is that it differs from LA to LA so much.  I have no idea how many children would be available in your area, as that has a lot to do with it.  They do work on a ball park that they like you to be no more than 45 years older that the child you adopt, but I am sure there are exceptions.  In our area they don't concentrate as much on age as what you have to offer a child.  That is what it's all about - what you have to offer a child.  If someone of 28 wants to adopt a baby and SS deem them not suitable, they won't be approved for a baby.  

When you get further into the process, you realise that you are a resource to social services, that is how they see it.  If you have a lot to offer, then I see no reason why you shouldn't get a younger child, if not a baby... but the only way you are going to find out, is to go for it as even at the beginning of the process they will probably tell you that no young children are available.  That is what we were told and we were matched with a 6 month old baby girl - she was 9 months old when she came home.  I was 38 and dh was 36.


Very best of luck to you both.

C xx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hello thought i might add to this to.

I can totally understand what you are saying about the age group issue and the disabilities side of things.

But the disabilities could fit under a mild form of disability, i know that children with these problems are harder to place.
But it is all about what you are happy with to, there is no point in following a route that you would be unsure about

Personally we will be taking a child/children with a disability if we are successful and get through the whole process.

As mentioned by Babarella, i am aware that age can be a factor for certain age groups, and LA's can differ from one place to another.

We are also looking at Adopting a child under 1 and 2nd under 4 years of age, sibling group we are looking for if approved to go down that road

Worth having a chat with a Social Worker or your Adoption agency more in depth really and see what they could offer you too, or what route they recommend 

Good luck with everything


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

thanks both of you - i think we probably won't know til we get the process underway properly and see how it pans out (i;m aware it's a long process but didn't really feel comfortable while still in the madness of ivf ). 

Really good luck Cheshire

And congratulations Barbarella - that's lovely news

Sue xx


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Sue,

We have just been to panel for concurrency foster/adoption. This is a scheme only 4 LA's in the country run and one of them that are starting is Devon (i am sure)

It is when you foster a child with the a view to adopting. Only children under 2 years ond 11 months are put in this scheme and often they are from birth. when a baby is taken into care rather than place it in foster care, assess the birth parents, then have the baby adopted thus disrupting the babies attachment it has formed with the foster carer, the baby is placed with you and you get paid as a foster carer, the LA then have 6-9 months to assess the birth parents. In our case this involves taking the baby to a family centre 3 - 5 days a week for contact with the birth parents. If the parents manage "good enough parenting" the baby is returned to them. If not you adopt the child. In our LA 80% of babies go on to be adopted.

You have to be very mindful that you may be the one that has to hand the baby back, which is unbearable to think about, however this is the route to go down if you want a young child. At the moment we have 3 possible placements that are all in utero  

There is someone else on here that did Concurrency and their baby was returned, I am sure they will post and let you know their experiances. 

The reason I posted in the first place is that there was a couple on our prep course she was 40ish and he was in his 50's. They have been passed at panel and like us are awaiting their match.

Look on your local Social Services website you may get more info. If not let me know and I will sww what i can fins for you.

Best Wishes

Fiona


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Hello

I'm 40 and Dh is 53.  We have just brought home our 6 and 7 year old.  DH's age was a factor when we were being considered for children.  We were approved via an agency and therefore considered children from several different LAs around the country.  No one actually came back and said DH was too old, but we had a few comments like "We feel that other couples are more suitable" when we enquired about children under 4 years old.

It took some coming to terms with on my part that we weren't going to be able to have a littley.  I think many of us feel the need to parent a very young child.  Accepting that it wasn't going to happen was part of the grieving process for a birth child that I had to go through.

Having said all that, the rewards with our two older children are already plain to see.  They have only been home with us for 5 days and we are all still settling down and getting to know each other.  Yes, they are incredibily hard work, but I don't suppose it is any less hard work with a younger child.  

Good luck whatever you decide.

Sanita


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## Springtime (Feb 23, 2006)

Hi

I suggest you ring round every agency you could be within striking distance of. Go onto BAAF website to get list. I don't think age is too much of an issue but it does vary. You may find that some of the bigger towns or cities in Devon have their own agency or are part of a group.

I'd also suggest you ask them some questions about how long it takes to go through the process and I don't mean the actual home visit but from enquiry to starting home study. Every agency does it differently. Ask how many people they approve in a year, (they will be vague) how many children did they place for adoption last year. When age is a premium and the process takes 8 months from submitting application form the wait before is very relevant. 

You may want to attend the open evening anyway it will be a start and there is no commitment. We ended up with a 2 month wait to get on an open day, which is just the very start of it all.

Good Luck

Rosie


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

thanks so much all of you - sorry Fiona and Sanita, i hadn't noticed your earlier replies.

much food for thought here

Rosie - good advice, i think - I suspect I am still in the process of really facing the fact that we won't have our own genetic child... need to take some positive action (and of course the whole process will take a long time), so some serious ringing around makes sense. Thanks for those suggested questions - it all still feels like an unknown process to me.

Sanita - congratulations on your children - for the first time you have made me feel that I could maybe really think about an older child/children. DP is actually quite keen - I think as he feels it would be a more 'natural' age gap. As you say, it's probably part of the grieving process for me.

Fiona - you are right, I think east devon do do the scheme you mentioned (had a look online). I will look into it. How sad that they have kids ready to be placed that haven't even been born yet   but so hoping it turns out well for you. Definitely needs some hard thinking about for me - you must get so attached, yet with the real possibility of losing them. Thanks for making me think about it and really good luck.

Sue xxx


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