# What Now is My Role in Life?



## lcsucr (Mar 29, 2004)

Hello All

I don't know about you, but having been brought up to believe that the most important role I'll ever have is to bring up children - now I can't have them I'm having a huge problem in trying to understand what my role in life is, now it's not going to be that of Mum.  Does anyone else struggle with this?    

I was a frequent visitor to this site a few years back when I was going through TX but stopped when I decided to stop treatment as it was just to painful to hear about others' successes (very selfish I know).  I was lucky with my life as my closest friends were also all childless and we would go out every week and have a great time. So forgetting about the children thing was relatively easy.  Then, late last year my best friend announced she was pregant, at the age of 44.  Not only that, but she didn't want the baby, had never wanted babies and was only going through with it for the sake of her DH.  

It's due in August and I now find that the whole 'not being able to have a baby' thing has been brought right back into my arena.  This week, for some reason, I just can't stop crying and I'm sure it's because of this question I have burning in my head about "what can I be or do that will replace the role of Mum that I thought I'd be?"

Thanks for listening. Answers on a postcard ..... !!

xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Lcsucr, 

Hey hun... A toughie this one, as a society does ABSOLUTLEY DIDDLY SQUAT to make those of us who don't get to be parents feel anything approaching normal, accepted, etc, etc ad nauseum. The tidal wave that rolls over and over us of pronatalism is exhausting to witness from the sidelines, and can leave us feeling very, very excluded. 

I am beginning to find nuggets of satisfaction in the notion that I still choose to be in a loving relationship, to be part of my community, to be a friend to my friends, to care about the planet despite the losses I have endured, and that I definitely have something to contribute and a purpose in this life - I choose to reject the eroneous notion that I have no value because I'm not a mum.... All I can really say to you is, 'you count, you don't have to replace the role of Mum in your life to be entitled to be here....' 

I'm sure a lot of the other ladies will have alternative answers for you, more eloquently expresed than mine....

Thinking of you, 

MM xxx


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## lcsucr (Mar 29, 2004)

Wow MM,

You couldn't have been more eloquent - thank you!  

Yes, you're right about society making the childless seem strange and excluded all in one go and I know all of us here experience that. 

I've been thinking about it today and know I must try to find some solace in trying to be the best daughter, sister, wife, friend I can be.  I'm passionate about animals and like you, really care about the planet.  I know this should be enough during my strong times, but when I'm feeling weak, like now, my sense of how fulfilled I would have been trying to be a great mum takes over and I think - what can I do that could possibly give me that sense of overall fulfillment?

I hope this opens up a discussion. It would be lovely to hear what you all have to say about how you see your roles going forward.

Clare
x


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## Guest (Jun 26, 2007)

Hi Clare,

To be honest I have no words of wisdom to offer you like the wonderful MM, who always puts everything into perspective!

I just waned to give you a big   I can't imagine how your feeling, its one thing your best friend falling pg after so long, but another story when she expresses no desire to have it....a little insensitive one would say  

There are lots of girls here that can offer you lots of support through this


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## lcsucr (Mar 29, 2004)

Thanks Jodie

I really do appreciate each and every response. 

One bit I forgot to say was that my best friend may well want me there at the birth.  Half of me is curious and the other half fearful that I'd just end up bursting into tears.  She asked me the other day, if I was 'ok' about it and I told her that I was excited.... and I genuinely am.  I've just been reading another really helpful post about jealousy and envy not being that at all, just grief.  And that's right, I'm not jealous, just grieving for what I'll never have and gutted that it's an experience that, as best friends, we'll never share together. 

Poor old DH has been trying to offer a shoulder to cry on tonight (and I've been doing plenty of that) - poor thing, he's not very good at having these kinds of conversations.  He tells me that if it's any consolation, he never thought he'd find himself in the position of NOT being a dad either, which now makes me even sadder.

I'm so glad I'm here - through my tears tonight (and the interruption of my two siamese cats play-fighting), your posts have brought me comfort, but also sadness at the injustice of us all having to go through this.

You can tell it's getting late - I've started to ramble!

Love to all.
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi lcsucr

Its difficult to know what role awaits you when motherhood has never blessed your doorstep isn't it? I remember going through an extremely rebellious stage and sticking my proverbial two fingers up to the world and its oyster - everyone around me had families at the time and I found it suffocating.

I decided to do a few things just for me - just before we embarked on our first round of IVF I passed my motorcycle test, riding motorbikes was something I had always wanted to do. The logic being, if IVF never worked or went horribly wrong then I would have my motorbiking just for me - I'm a firm believer that we all need things just for us to keep us ticking over when times get tough.

Needless to say I'm still biking 6 years or so down the line, and still without the family I desired so badly... but I'm glad I have my bike, even in this terrible so-called summertime weather we are having!

I have some crazy coping mechanisms as you might have gathered - even shopping later on in the evening so I don't bump into the mum and baby brigade! Sometimes we have to do whats best for us to take care of ourselves - so if you think it could be too much at your best friends birth, put yourself first. I bottled out of attending my friends babys' birth many moons ago because I wasn't sure how I would feel about it afterwards, but I appreciated her asking me in the first instance all the same...

Hope those cats of yours are behaving themselves! Nice to know my pair of cats aren't the only ones who have domestics!

Ramble away all you want hon, its what we're here for. You take care.

Love,
Emcee x


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## Guest (Jun 26, 2007)

Clare, 

I really think you have hit the nail on the head by saying your feelings are those of grief, I can completely relate to that. Sadly haven't spoken to my best friend of 15 years for 4 months, she has two wonderful little boys and recently it all got too much for me, I have been selfish...but in honesty I think I had to protect myself from more pain.

I really admire you for sticking by your friend through all this, it takes a huge amount of courage so well done you for coming this far  

Going back to my friend, this afternoon I sent her a text to she if she wanted to meet up for a coffee and catch up next week. I haven't had a response yet, I am sure she will let me stew for a bit, but I really hope she will forgive and try to understand why I needed some space, as good friendships are like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow  

Emcee I understand your passion for your bike and your 'you' time, I have a wonderful horse called Ross who has made my life a much happier one to live  

Take care xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Clare,

Thanks for your post, I think it is so helpful for us all to consider what role we will take in this life if the obvious (and for some easy come) role of mother/parent is not possible.

Hey, it was me who wrote about re-framing our perceptions of ourselves as people who deal with grief rather than as horrid green eyed monsters! I am so glad you found this of some help! This reminds me of something else I feel about us "thwarted" mothers and that is that we still have a mothering spirit (not a jealous, envious one.)  It feels really important to me that we find means to express this, to recognise that there are other ways to do so than by having a child. If we can express our mothering/nurturing spirits we can shake off the sometimes self-imposed label of jealous person.

Finding our roles may be about finding a way to express this mothering spirit. The ways we do so may not be recognised by a society that does not consider alternative ways to be a mothering person, but if we find our own expressions we can at least find some peace.

I think that many of the people on this board find some expression here by nurturing one another, that makes this place very special indeed. It is a place we can come to be nurtured and to nurture others.

Like Jodie, a lot of my nurturing goes into my horses. I also find that my work can be a place to express my nurturing side, I am so lucky in that respect. (I work in an educational charity.) Some women I know who have faced IF but whose jobs do not give much space for their mothering spirit have looked for new careers. I guess that not having to worry about an income for a family can at least make some of us feel free to embark on a new career?

I am full of admiration for you in considering supporting your friend through the birth process, especially as she is ambivalent about wanting a child. I have never been in this position and would not presume to advise you except in so far as to say you should factor in your own needs before making a decision. You may be able to support your friend, but have you got support for you in the mixed emotions being there could bring? I imagine your friend appreciates all that you have given to your friendship and cares for you. Her suggestion that you share her birthing is no doubt meant well, as a sign that she has trust in you and wishes you to share in a special experience. But as someone who has not longed for children, maybe she cannot appreciate that being a birth companion may be very hard for you? Your friend will give birth whether you feel able to be there or not and she can presumably get support on the day from other people who will feel simple joy (if some anxiety) at the birth - her DH, her family, other friends. Make the best decision for you. Whatever this is, explaining to your friend how you feel could make you feel closer.

LOL

Jq xxx


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## lcsucr (Mar 29, 2004)

Morning gals and thanks so much MM, Jodie, Emcee, JQ for all your kind and effective words of wisdom.

JQ, you’re so right - finding a nurturing role is what I’m craving and in an ideal world I’d go back to working in the animal welfare sector (I used to work for the charity that tried to rescue the Thames Whale last year).  However, I had to give that up about 2 years ago to help DH run his business. 
Now it seems our business can’t afford to employ me full-time so I’m now required to work part-time elsewhere in addition to working part-time for our business. 

I guess what this means, is that I feel completely out of control of my life. I’m not in control of whether or not I have children and nor am I in control of my working situation as, at this moment in time, we can’t afford for me to work any of those sectors that might provide me with a sense of fulfilment such as the charitable or care sectors.

Ok, enough self pity. What you girls have shown me, is that there are lots of ladies going through the same thing and we have the power to choose how we respond to it.  Maybe I have to just put up with my lot for the time being until my we can afford for me to do something more fulfilling. In the meantime, perhaps I can work out exactly what that’ll be.

Jodie, don’t think you have done anything that needs to be ‘forgiven’ by your friend.  If she is a good friend she should completely understand and just be there for you whenever you feel ready to  re-kindle the friendship.  

Clare
xx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Clare,

This is such a good question - I too felt the need to dramatically change things when I reached the end of my IF journey. If not a mother .. then what. I have embraced academia and am now studying for an MSc, planning on doing a PhD one day and becoming "Dr"! Since this is all part-time, it is taking ages, but it hits the spot with me. I have also changed career and now work supporting people - as others have said, there is a nurturing side to all of us that needs fulfilling.

I understand what you mean about finances - DH was made redundant recently and my dreams had to go on hold for a while. It felt like another kick in the teeth, but we have survived and found a way through. You might find some fulfilment in volunteering somewhere - so many charities are desperate for help and rely on their volunteers (I speak as one who is a serial volunteer!). This allowed me to help in my spare time and made up (in part) for doing a job I hated but which paid the bills.

It is always difficult when pg announcements come out of the blue like that, especially if they bring up feelings you thought you had dealt with. No words of wisdom, just  

Take care,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## lcsucr (Mar 29, 2004)

Thanks for taking the time to reply Solitaire - or should I say 'brainbox'!!!

Yes, I've done alot of volunteer work as well in my time, all for animal welfare charities and would love to do more, but, what with working for DH and finding another job, then it's something I'm going to have to put on hold.  

At least now though, I have a clearer idea of the kind of things I can plan for when finances allow me to be able to indulge myself!

Hugs
Clare
xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Clare,
I'm a bit late - but here are my views on our role in life. I understand completely how being childless makes you question what you should be doing. So many people never give fertility a second thought and their lives just tick along in 'automatic'. But for us - we have been given quite a challenge and we are being forced to be 'aware' of our needs and our roles. I think everyone's role in life is to be happy - and some people think that having children will make them happy (but remember that it isn't always the case). I guess we have to find what works. And we must try not to care too much about what society 'expects'.
BTW I want to correct you when you say that you were being selfish when you stopped coming here as you didn't want to hear about other people's successes. It's not selfishness - it's self preservation. And you are entitled to that. We all are.
I wish you luck in finding out what 'rings your bell'. You need to find something that you are passionate about. I'm sure there is something.
Lots of love,
Bernie xxx


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hiya,

I know the feeling well.  My family are very religious South Africans for whom family is the be all and end all and as a woman my job is to provide my husband with a beautiful family. My Turner's Syndrome put a swift end to that...not advisable to have ivf as a pregnancy could be very stressful on my heart and bones and because of my condition adoption could be hard.
One tip that I found really helps is that I bought a notebook and wrote down a list of other aims I have in my life e.g travelling, being a touring actress, learning to drive and buying my first car etc.  Having this focus and a non-exhaustable list has just taken the edge off the pain. Its amazing how many things there are in the world that are a lot harder to do when you have a family to consider. 
I also found having ready responses to all painful questions helps, when are you going to start a family? Shouldn't you be thinking about having children? Wouldn't you like to have a baby?  What's taking so long?  Keep in control!!!!


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