# Struggling to cope...



## Dancing duck

Hi all, 
need some advice as not coping and don't know what to do.
To cut a long story as short as possible, I married later in life and DH had 3 children from a previous relationship (which we had a limited relationship with).
He'd had a vasectomy after the 3rd which was subsequently reversed 18 months later - he said it had been successful but after 2 years of us TTC we went for tests and were told it was unlikely he'd be able to father another child naturally.
We looked into fertility treatment but as he already has children were told we would have to fund it ourselves (which we were not in a position to do) and also due to my age and other factors it would have a less then 5% chance of success.
Then shortly after that life got even more crappy as my Mum passed away suddenly which I have struggled to come to terms with on top of the infertility.
My DH had a lot of siblings all with numerous kids and his eldest son and his partner are expecting so he will soon be a Grandad and obviously wants to spend a lot of time with his nieces/nephews and kids.
I feel the biggest waste of space in the world right now - I am constantly panicking that when I get old/die I will have no-one to be there for me (his family are not very friendly towards me as I don't fit in not having any kids) and also resenting the time he wants with his family as he never wants to spend any time with what is left of my family - my elderly Dad - so I end up not seeing him as much as i would like.
I have tried to talk to DH about how I feel and that I would like to spend a bit less time with his family and a bit more with my Dad but he says I am being selfish and make him feel like he can't speak of or see his family.
I just want to look after all the family I have left as I feel so guilty that it ends with me.
Last year we got a dog who is the love of my life and my dad adores him but it breaks my heart when he calls himself Grandad to the dog.....
Before my Mum passed she was also upset that I had never made her a Granny - something we argued about a lot as she blamed me for leaving it too late but that was never a conscious choice.....
I feel at the end my tether - every days I am in tears with such deep sadness and for two pins right now I would run away with my dog and become a hermit so I never have to see anyone again.
I am depressed and have seen my GP who hasn't offered anything and just said it will get better in time but its not and now my marriage is on the rocks, possibly unsalvagable because of how I feel all the time.
Sorry for the long rambling post but its a complex situation which has led me to this dark place.


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## loudlikelove

Sorry for your sadness Dancing Duck. 

If it isn't too hard, perhaps you could start having family dinners/ babysitting to bring the family members all a bit closer? 

Try and make sure communication remains open and honest between you and hubby. Fertility issues can be so hard, without the addition of other things on top. It's bloody hard work at the best of times.


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## Dancing duck

Appreciate where you're coming from but the last thing I want to do is babysit other peoples kids !
I've been trying so hard to explain to DH how I feel but he just says it's not his fault and cannot offer a solution. Kinda feel it is his fault though - if I had known he was unable to father more children I'm not sure I would have continued the relationship - he was always saying how much he wanted the chance to be a proper Dad as he had little contact with his kids from an early age.
Maybe some counselling would help me come to terms with my losses but not sure about where it leaves my marriage  as I feel he has  led me on and lied to me about the most crucial thing  for any couple.


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## saskia100

Hi Dancing Duck,

Umm you do sound unhappy and have been through a lot, so I couldn't read and run. Here are a few ideas that may help:

1) you need to talk to your husband and be very frank on how you feel.
2) you need to make a decision on what is right for you (and as a couple) taking into consideration what is feasible.
3) if you think you are depressed as opposed to unhappy then go back to your GP. Antidepressant may help.
4) depending on your financials, you could do donor embryo IVF in Europe. I don't know your age but women can have this treatment till 50 or so. Even if you save over a period to get the money together.
5) gateway-women is a site which may give you an alternative way of thinking if you end up not trying for children.
6) have some time allocation agreements split between your time as a couple, with his family and with your dad. If you did something like a bbq you could invite everyone. Start by trying more with them, you might be surprised. Often if you give people notice and reciprocate.
7) you mentioned counselling, this would help you figure things out.
 you do have some good things in your life. A short break somewhere might help you get clarity.

I wish you luck, S x


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## Dandanxx

First things first, you need to tackle your depression. Once you start feeling a bit better in yourself, you will be able to think clearer. When you are depressed, the last thing you want to do is meet up with people, include lots of happy families and children and that's just going to make you feel awful.
You really do need to speak to your GP again, yes sad feelings and feeling a bit low can pass eventually but depression won't. If you would be happy to try short term medication, have a chat with him about it.
Start doing things that you want to do, what you enjoy. I know it would be nice if your husband was with you whilst visiting your Dad, but just enjoy spending that time you and your Dad enjoy. 
I really hope things work out for you


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## gettina

Just sending love and hugs. 
You are in a tough place.
You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself.
X


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## sidl02

Hi Dancing Duck,
I just came across your post and wondered how you were doing? Are you coping any better? I truly hope so xxx


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