# How to make sure yr relationship stays strong whilst having treatment



## guineagents (May 27, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and glad to have found this site. Was just wondering if anyone else is going through same at moment. Me and my partner are just about to have our 3rd go at IUI. Our first was successful but ended with premature birth of our daughter at 17 weeks. 2nd try BFN.

It's been such a roller coaster and sometimes I feel like I dont know who I am anymore. It feels like we've been planning this/talking about it for years, then the stress of the pregnancy loss, then whether to try again followed by the dissapointment of the BFN..  How do people make sure their relationship stays strong through this? I sometimes feel a bit obsessed with having another baby, certainly more than my partner who has always been less bothered. The other day I was thinking we mite need couples counselling but my immediate thought was this would just take time away from my major focus.. another baby!

I sometimes worry that i'm so driven it's putting a huge strain on the relationship, the cost of our private treatment, the stress.. We've been arguing so much  lately and mainly cos of all the stress..  I can't even remember us before all this..


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Hi & welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss, can't imagine what you've both been through. As for your question, I don't know how we did it. Our journey was nothing compared to some but at times we defo felt like this too. You obviously both want a pregnancy so that is your ultimate goal, the stress along the way is bl00dy hard to deal with! I guess communication? I know we forgot to talk at times (sounds silly) but we were so focused on our own feelings we forgot each others! The stress did melt away when we first found out I was pregnant, then we had some complications & DW was my rock, she really took control, then on the day he was born, she fell apart & I remained strong. It all worked out in the end. 

TX is hard financially which adds to the stress. Anyway, £9.50 holidays with a well known newspaper started today, how about saving the tokens & getting away? We went to the Isle of Wight in may for under £100, it was great. Hope you both feel better soon   xxxxx


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## guineagents (May 27, 2012)

Hi Welshginge and thanks for yr reply. Yr baby is so cute btw! I think yr right, it' s a matter of communication. Guess that's what we need to build up. Just so hard when feels like baby making is the main/only topic of conversation! Sex and fun seem to have gone out of the window months ago  
Anyway the cheap holidays sound a great idea! Am gonna look into this later on. Thanks again


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Hi guineagents,

So sorry about the loss of your baby at 17 weeks. When we were TTC the first time round, it was a very exciting time and I got pregnant very quickly so there was no stress or worry. Second time round was a different story! It was so hard getting every BFN, and then having to make the decision to move on to IVF. DP kept feeling guilty that she couldn't get pregnant easily and I tried to reassure her as much as possible that I didn't blame her for it. After the failed IVF, she started talking about me trying again but I knew it would destroy her if she never managed to carry one of our babies. I think it is really important to keep talking about your feelings with each other BUT pick your moments so that it isn't the only thing you end up talking about. I talked to my sister a lot too as sometimes it was easier just to off load to someone who wasn't so emotionally involved in the whole thing. During DP's 6 DI cycles, we took a break for a couple of months. That was a really important time for us as we were able to just be a couple again without worrying about dates and cycles, and DP certainly enjoyed a few drinks during that time! Sometimes I think the TTC journey is testing your relationship for when you actually become parents, then the real test starts! I hope things soon start looking up for you


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## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi Guineagents!

I am so sorry about the loss of your little girl. I hope you find some support or outlet on this site. It certainly helped me. We were so destroyed a year ago after both of us had unsuccessful IUIs. Sometimes it's good to just know that other people can see where you are coming from.

I agree that talking about our feelings and what we want to do next is what keeps the relationship strong and having a break is what keeps us sane, even just a day out where you can forget everything.

The treatment was taken a big toll for us. We are isolating ourselves from people. We are both not good in juggling numerous things. So, being preoccupied with treatment then easily takes over life. My priority and what is going on in my head has changed so much. I used to be driven in work, wanting to do a good job. Now, i just want to do okay and go home at the end of the day.

Here is an example of conflict in our relationship: Finding a balance between spending time as a couple and doing things separately.
We were isolating ourselves more and more as a couple. DW has always spend a lot of time time with friends. - Not that there are many left after we have either ignored them for years or they have kids and we don't have much in common any more. - I am very introvert and I am more than happy being at home. DW then feels like she has to stay at home, too. Then she gets frustrated and if she is in a bad mood (PMT) she will blame it on me that she doesn't get to go out. This is when I think we need relationship counseling, because I can not see a solution. However, DW later becomes able to see things with a clear head, we talk about it and find a solution: I go to the cinema by myself, which means I don't have to talk to anyone. But DW doesn't feel like she has to be on my side all the time. Or that I suffocate her.

With regards to you being more focused on getting another baby, I think as long as you talk about things it is okay for one person to take the backseat and for the other person to drive it more, especially if you are in such an emotionally difficult time.
DW was always the one who wanted her own child. However, something inside her snapped when she saw me miscarrying her child last year. She now is not bothered about children at all. People getting pregnant, having a child, bragging on about it, she couldn't care less. When I had IVF earlier the year, she was rather remote. However, I knew it was our common aim to have a child. I didn't feel offended by her not being particularly interested in the details of it all. I then had a chemical pregnancy (I don't like the terminology). We never got a BFP as we hadn't tested early. But I knew afterwards that I had been pregnant due to return of OHSS. We were both strangely relieved that we didn't have to go through all the cruelty of a BFP and then the dream to be shattered again. This is something I would never have expected to feel. But then this (treatment and miscarriage) is not a normal situation.
What I am trying to say is that there are feelings - stress, frustration, love, longing, loss - that are overwhelming and unexpected.

With regards to the financial side, I am not sure how to help. We rely partially on the NHS, which is why its dragging on so long, which in itself is a problem.
When it comes to taking a break, go though your bookshelf, sell books you don't need (Amaz0n is good for me), then take the money you made and go for a meal. If you still get birthday presents, ask for money instead and use it to go away. Sent the people who gave you the money a postcard or photo. It will make them happy, too.

I hope you find a way that makes you two feel better soon!


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## Lisa139 (Sep 11, 2011)

Hi Guineagents,

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.  It seems to me that you and your partner have two very stressful and painful things to deal with.  One being the loss of your daughter and the other trying to get pregnant.  I haven't experienced the loss of a child but am experiencing the difficulty in getting pregnant.  

We have gone through 12 failed IUIs and I'd say that I haven't experienced anything before that has been so upsetting, lonely and stressful.  We are due to start IVF in September so am worried about being back on the emotional roller coaster.  We're lucky in that our IVF will be covered by the NHS so for this at least we don't have the financial worries.

My partner and I have had our moments as I'm sure most couples do who are going through this.  I think the one thing that both of us now realise is how differently we saw our situation after the first few failed attempts.  So I'd see as us being further away from having a baby whereas my partner would see it as we haven't lost anything. 

It's very hard to support your partner when you feel so awful about things.  I think what has helped us is recognising that we deal with this in different ways and that's okay.  My partner keeps a diary about what we're going through.  She says it's for any future child we may have.  I don't keep a diary.  Instead, I've started to see the counsellor (on my own) at the clinic we go to.  I've been finding it really helpful to talk to someone who is completely removed from me.  

We also talk about how we feel but I think I do this more than she does.  I try my best not to talk about it all the time because my partner doesn't want to.  At times she just wants to forget about it which I think is a good thing.  She never cuts me out when I need to talk about things and will listen to me so I don't feel that I have to keep things to myself.  We also give each other space when either one of us or both of us are struggling.  

I think what you're going through is quite normal considering the circumstances.  You both have been going through something that is incredibly difficult.  So, I'd say be easy on yourself and each other.  It's okay if you're feeling angry, depressed, lonely or whatever feelings you may have.  Most likely, your partner is having similar feelings as yours but expressing them differently to you.  As much as you can try and do things that you enjoy doing on your own and as a couple.  Let your partner know what support you need and ask her what support she needs.  

I wish you all the best.


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## guineagents (May 27, 2012)

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied and shared their experiences. It certainly helped. Am feeling my relationship is bit stronger at mo. Have made decision that this will be our last cycle so guess we will be moving on from there. Scary as so much of my identity has been tied up with fertility for years but def feels time to move on together as a couple. Anyway, thanks again x


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

I know this thread has kind of wound up now but I wanted to add our experiences into the mix. It took us a long time to get pregnant the first time, and after more than two years of isems and one chem pregnancy (DP) our relationship was in tatters. We had to think long and hard about what this journey to parenthood was doing to us and decide what was more important - our partnership or having a child. We decided to take an extened break from trying to get our relationship back on track. We went on a lovely holiday together, built veggie beds in the garden and took up growing our own, and thoroughly reconnected. After 9 months we decided we were ready to try again, though DP decided she didn't want to try anymore herself. It only took three more cycles of insems before I got pregnant with our daughter and when we came to try fo our second we were amazed to get pregnant right away.

Now our relationship faces very different challenges like sleep deprivation and mutual exhaustion, but that's what we signed up for. That 9 months of total relationship nurturing gave us a really solid bedrock for our future parenting partnership. 

You've been through an amazingly traumatic time. Take some time to care for each other and build up a stash of emotional energy ready for the day when you can face trying again with a completely united front.

Good luck!


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## Han2275 (Oct 3, 2010)

Snagglepat - What a truelly beautiful post!


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