# Here I am again



## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi Everyone
I always seem to find myself here when things are getting more difficult. Why is that? Another friend had a baby recently. Must be the age we're at! I'm delighted for her, but I'm in no rush to go to see her. I don't think I can face the inevitable 'it'll be you soon' etc etc while I smile and say something v non-commital and inside I want to scream!
One of my best friends is pregnant. We are v close and she is more like a sister to me. Naturally she is talking about her pregnancy. I know it's perfectly normal. I'm never ever going to be in her position. I can't have the conversations with her that she has had with her other friends who are also pregnant/have children already. What would I know about pregnancy etc?? I'm prob a little jealous...she's moved onto a stage of life that I'm never going to be at and all the possibilities that opens up. Do I sound a little jealous...maybe..feeling a little sorry for myself....
x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Sunset   

Your allowed to feel jealous and sorry for yourself - I know I do   

It is difficult hun - and you need to think about you and do whats right for you.  if you dont feel up to going to see baby then dont go!  Just tell your friend you will be round sometime but dont commit to when.

As with your best friend - I hope she remembers what you are dealing with and takes your feelings into account throughout her pg.  

Big hugs to you   

Love

Debs xxx


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## Sunset (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi Debs
Thanks for your message. I haven't gone to see my friend's new baby. My fiance is asking about getting a present and going to visit, but I'm putting it off for as long as possible. I'm also avoiding my friend...I feel guilty as I know I'm not being a good friend to her, but at the moment.... At the moment I just feel like crying if anyone says anything to me...not good.
My fiance and I were talking about children today and I started to cry. I didn't want him to see me crying, and I can't honestly say that I know why I'm crying. I've known for over 10 years that I can't have a child. And I still think it's so unfair.... I've started myself crying again....we're planning our wedding and somehow it seems to be making me more aware of my infertility. If my fiance had met someone else his life would be going along a v different path that it will be with me. I think he'd make a great Dad. I worry how he'll feel when his siblings have children - will he wish that he was doing all those things. I know that being an aunt is great, but ultimately I'm not a Mum. I'm never going to be the most important person in my nieces/nephews lives. When one of my nieces was younger she accidently called me Mummy and I thought my heart was going to break.
It's just so so unfair, isn't it? Why does everthing that should be so easy/natural turn out to be impossible?
It just frustrates me and makes me feel so separate/set apart. My infertility seems to colour everything in my life...
I think I've stopped making sense now! x


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