# Husbands ex-wife



## Mummy2be (Jan 1, 2012)

Hello Everyone, 

Not posted much on here before, however I was wondering if anybody else has had trouble with with ex-partners, regarding reference? My husbands ex-wife is not a nice person, and would probably take great enjoyment in trying to ruin this for us.

I do fully understand why ex-partners are asked. 

Just a bit of a worry.

Thank you x


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi, 

I have the same concerns as you so would be interested in other peoples experiences of this. My husbands ex is
very vindictive towards him and is obstructive when it comes to contact with his daughter. We had to go to court 
to get her to stop sending all the cards and gifts he was sending his daughter.

I would guess that SW's see this sort of thing all the time?


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## Mummy2be (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi, 

Although I know she will try her hardest to ruin it for us, (I really have never met such a nasty person in all my life) my husbands children are grown up now. When we spoke to the social worker at the info evening (we are very early on in the process) she did put my mind at ease, although I still worry, she said if the ex-wife was going to cause us any problems they will obviously speak to the children, they luckily also know how awful their mother can be.


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi,

That's reassuring for you, if you husband's children know what their mother can be like. My step daughter is only 11 and my husband hasn't seen her for a long time as she apparently doesn't want to see him. However,
I don't believe that is her decision, but she has been alienated from him by her mother and step father. They seem to take delight in trying to shut him out. He had terrible trouble even finding out what school she was going to.
It's very sad as it's the children that suffer.


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## Mummy2be (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi, 

Like you say its always the children that suffer, its so sad. From experience I would also believe that it is her mother saying that your step-daughter does want to see him. 

I find it a little frustrating that ex's have to be included in the process.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Mummy2be,

I've answered this one a few times as both myself and DH were married before and both divorces were messy for various reasons.
We had the same worries, but it ended up being fine.  

Firstly as I'm sure your SW will reassure you, they are very aware that your ex's are ex's for a reason and they will take any nasty comments with a pinch of salt. Most nasty comments wont be relevant to SS anyway and will only reflect badly on your DH's ex as a person rather than on your DH.
If anything is said that has a bearing on your DH's ability to be a father or any past history that they believe to be relevant it will need further investigation including proof etc. I think most people would realise that making false/nasty remarks on these forms would result in their own lives being under the spotlight whilst such claims are investigated. No one wants that, so most threats from ex's or worries as to what they may say actually end up coming to nothing (I base this on quite a few people I know that have had the exact same concern).

Usually if there were no children involved in the past relationship it is just a matter of a questionnaire being sent. They only tend to want to visit them if you had children together and even then they don't always. (I'm not sure how they'll look at things in this regard with grown up children but I'm sure you'll SW will advise.)

One other thing worth mentioning is that the ex partners reference is not just to gain information on your DH but also to ascertain whether your DH's ex could prove to be a threat in any way to a future child of yours out of malice or jealousy etc. I'm sure she wouldn't want to be pictured in this way, she'd have to be quite daft to not realise all that and just blindly go making nasty unjustified remarks.

Lastly, I'd just say that it really is odd how the things you worry about at the beginning of the process as being potential hurdles usually end up being fine. It's usually other things you haven't thought of and don't see as an issue at all that get raised as possible hurdles, we've all had those   

Lots of luck and try not to worry   

Anj x


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## Mummy2be (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi Anjelissa, 

Thank you very much for your reply. You have certainly put my mind at ease so will stop worrying so much now. Only early on in the process and I am already giving myself a nervous breakdown lol. 

As you say this will probably end up being fine and it will be something else we havent thought about that may be a bit of a hurdle.

Take care 

M x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

You are very welcome   , lots of luck  
Anj x


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

I am not going through the adoption system, I am just covering this section for Thetis who is covering for VEC!  

I did a long post but deleted it because I dont want to bore you too much!  I just wanted to send you a huge hug Surfergirl.  We have been in a similar situation, DH's ex wife brainwashed their 3 children (adopted from Eastern Europe) against him and he didn´t have contact for 7 years.  She forced the children to tell him (and the courts) that they didn´t want to see him anymore.  She was supposed to send regular updates/school reports/photos but she didn't, and there is nothing DH can do to enforce that, but if he stopped paying maintenance then all hell would break loose!  So our only "contact" was what we found on google.  DSD signed up to an au pair agency, DSS made films with his friends and put them on Youtube etc, and that was it.  

Anyway, DSD got in contact last year aged 20, she left home at 17 because she couldn´t cope with her mother´s controling and manipulative behaviour.  DSS moved out about 6 months ago aged 18.  I suppose they got older and realised what their mother was like and what she did to them.  It all backfired.  She has blocked their contact with the remaining brother, I suppose because she is scared that the truth will come out and he will see her for what she is.  

In my opinion what his ex-wife did is child abuse, pure and simple.  If you wanted to get back at the husband, then there are other ways of doing it (not that I think that revenge is a good thing), but to do what she did is inexcusable.  When you become a parent you are supposed to love, nurture them and put their needs and wellbeing before your own. To purposely damage them to get back at someone else is the lowest of the low.

Anyway, the moral of the story, and why I am posting it, is to let you know that when they got older they realised what she had done and what sort of person she was and got in contact with us.  Hopefully that will happen to your step daughter.  

Sending you and your DH lots of love and hugs, I know how hard it hurts.

Sue


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Good luck Mummy2be!!  As Anj said, I am sure that others have been in this situation and a negative report from her isnt going to carry much weight.  

Sue


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Sue,

Thanks so much for your message. It is so hard, especially for our husbands. Our story is similar to yours in that my husbands ex was unfaithful on numerous occasions but seems hell bent on punishing him. I guess it's easier for her to justify what she has done if she can turn him into a figure of hate? I agree with regards to resuming contact when they are older. I work with teenagers and my father is a child psychologist. He has told my DH that his daughter may well look to find him when she is older. Our door will always be open to her. 

What else can you do? We went to court but my SD apparently said that she doesn't want to see her dad. This can only be based on what she has been told by them. We offered to pay for mediation, they even refused mediation with the District Judge. In the end my DH withdrew his application for direct contact due to the stress it was causing his daughter. Now he sends cards, gifts etc... But we have no way of really knowing if she gets them. 

I am worried that if we proceed down the adoption route, this will be a problem. Luckily,we have plenty of evidence that my DH has tried to maintain contact as we keep receipts, proofs of postage and have done so for a long time.

Thanks so much again x


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