# Bit of moral support needed



## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

Hi
My first post - though I came to the Stratford meet up a couple of weeks ago, so have met some of you already.

The 2WW is now over - and unfortunately I'm going to have to start thinking about what I do next. IUI#3 or IVF...

Feeling a bit rough to be honest.  

You build yourself up, hoping... 

The biggest problem is not knowing why it didn't work. I know the odds are low, even with medicated IUI (I was on a low dose of Puregon), but what would be different at any future attempt? Except a considerably lighter bank balance.

The trouble is, IVF sounds like such a big deal, and we're now back into term-time so I'm going to be very busy and having to be at certain meetings etc. If I'm meant to be relaxed and resting a lot, it's not ideal. 

I guess the good news is that MFS (which is more local than LWC, but still 45 mins drive each way) rang last week. After 1 year's wait, I'm finally at the top of their donor list. 

I'm wondering what do I do now? I've got one sample still sitting at LWC...  but MFS won't wait very long (it's unfair on the others on the list) and it didn't sound on the phone this morning as if they'd wait for me to try IUI#3 at LWC and then do IVF at MFS if it didn't work... 

But I do like the donor from LWC - and would prefer him to the MFS one. 

At least I can get back to the pool for a swim today. I usually go to the swim most days, so the 2ww without any exercise is awful. Just when you're meant to relax, they take away my usual means of de-stressing after work!!!

Now is just the kind of time when a partner's support would be really appreciated... 

I could really do with getting lots of work done - time to be professional now and save my thoughts and feelings for later!

OneStepAtATime
37, June 08 natural IUI - BFN
Sept 08 med IUI - BFN


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hello OneStepatatime

I'm working at home, writing a funding bid so of course am nipping onto here every few minutes!

Really sorry to hear you are having a rough time and it didn't work this time. I haven't started yet so I can only imagine how tough it is and how you are feeling. One of the things thats difficult doing it this way and not with man, is that there is so much financial pressure for it to work quickly. Two attempts to get pregnant would be pretty good odds for anyone, and there might not be any reason, its just a numbers game.  People get pregnant 1st go and some don't for a year but still end up doing it naturally - that's the luxury of being in a couple, you can wait it out (although I'm sure that's tough too). We don't have that luxury and when there is money involved it makes it a tricky decision, the lower percentage IUI...or the higher odds more full on IVF!  If you go to MFS does it have to be for IVF or can you do IUI there?  Could you squeeze in the final IUI at LWC in the next month...i.e. go again straight away? Then if that doesn't work go to MFS?  Will LWC keep your sperm for longer...i.e. could you go to MFS next and then back to LWC if needed?  Could you take the sperm from LWC to MFS?

Sorry, this probably isn't helpful... and I'm sure you're already turning these thoughts over.  I'm just 36 and about to start IUI, I have decided to give it 6 goes (although financially that scares me), as if I was trying to get pregnant naturally I would assume that it might take 6 months and if it didn't happen then there might be issues that need looking into.

I assume you are a teacher, which I know makes it hard to have time off for appointments and is a full-on job.

Wish I could help you with your decision, some of the others might have useful advice. 

Sending   

Lxx


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

Thank you both. 
It was so good to hear back from you.
I think I'm feeling a bit PMSy anyway (and therefore tearful) - so reading your words of support and encouragement really helped.

You're right - 2 tries isn't really that much. It just kind of hit me this morning how long this might take (And I'd got such good hormone stats, I'd reacted well to the drugs etc etc and even so...) and how much that means (including financially)

Unfortunately, LWC are all about making money (or at least that's how it feels) so taking sperm from LWC to MFS isn't allowed.

Rose - the financial aspect of multiple IUIs is just one of the worries. LWC recommend against having the same donor for more than 3 goes - I guess it might be that he's not compatible in some way and a new guy might be - but this one just suited what I wanted. And the others they proposed were no where near what I'd hoped for.

Did anyone else use the same donor for more than 3 goes?

The physical process for IVF is worrying. Not the drugs and injections - though my lack of worry about that could be due to not having done that yet! - but I hated not being able to exercise and yet Zita West in her books about IVF seems to see it as important to be resting even during the down-reg time... and so weeks and weeks would be hard... I can rationalise that and think that the ultimate goal is worth it, but it's still a factor. Exercise _really_ helps me when I feel down - it's a psychological thing too.

I would tell work I needed an operation (which is true) and I would take time off. This is a priority - even though it'd be hard for others picking up my work commitments! Maybe in that sense IVF would be easier - I would probably take a couple of weeks off post ET and go and stay with a friend. If I'm at work after an IUI, it's just as busy as usual and the scans etc are all in London which is a pain in the neck.

Thank you for saying about not going through this on my own. That really means a lot. It can feel lonely at times. These are such big decisions (and big sums of money!)...

So - trying to keeping positive

OneStepAtATime


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi One Step at a Time (wow - an even longer name than my new name  ),

So sorry to hear about the BFN this time round. Having been through 3 IUI and 2 fresh IVF before getting my BFP on this latest FET cycle, I can fully empathise with you how difficult it is. 

As hard as you try to be realistic, you can't help but hope that this cycle is THE ONE. And when it fails, it's so hard to come to terms with. I genuinely believed (naive I now know) that I would get pregnant easily - all my test results were good, the only thing I was lacking was sperm right?! Well, I've realised it's so much more complicated than that. And even if all the tests come back good and there is no obvious reason for it not working, sometimes it just takes time. Even couples ttc naturally average 6 months.....of course so much harder for us when we're making such a significant financial outlay each month (at least couples get to have fun and it's free!)

When I started out, I was going to do 3 unmedicated and 3 medicated IUI before moving to IVF. I quickly realised that I would not be able to wait that long. Now it's paid off for Some1 and Patterdale (BFPs on their 5th/6th IUI) but they are both younger than me and I just knew that I wanted to try something with a higher success rate - but it's very much a personal decision. You have to go with what you feel is right for you....

What I would say is that although IVF seems daunting from a physical and logistical perspective, it's actually not that much harder than the medicated IUI. If you break it down into manageable chunks, it's not so bad. Much more expensive, but then you get the higher success rates to go with it. 

There's no easy answer - I wish there was. You just can't tell if you're going to get lucky on your 3rd, 4th, 5th IUI, or your 1st, 2nd, 3rd IVF.....so much of this is a game of chance. And you can only try to make the best possible decision for you given your personal circumstances.

Sorry, I'm not being very helpful am I?! 

One thing which is definitely true is that you are not alone. We all have each other and whenever you feel like a shout/cry/rant etc, then we're here  

Hope you manage to work out the best path for you soon,
Suitcase of Dreams (I'm the one who organised the Stratford meet - changed my name....!)

PS I echo Ruth's comments re exercise and IVF. No reason why you cant swim/go to the gym whilst stimming. On 2WW prob best to keep to low impact/non aerobic - but once you are pregnant, there's no reason why you can't exercise if you have always done so. I'm horribly unfit so starting a mad exercise program now would prob be a mistake, but friends of mine who are regular gym go-ers kept it up through their pregnancies, no problem....

PPS sorry if this post is a bit waffly - combination of pregnancy brain (wow, never thought I'd get to say that!) and exhaustion from my niece's 4th b'day party at the weekend...!


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

Just to say thank you all so much.
You've made me cry (again!). Seeing so much support is actually quite overwhelming.
Thank you!
O.


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello One Step

So sorry to hear that you got a BFN    

It sounds like your 2nd BFN has hit you hard and that rings a few bells with me.  When I started deep down I really felt that I would get a BFP first time, when I didn't I was sure that I would second time, when that didn't work I began to think that it never would and that there must be something wrong with me.  

You asked what would be different in any future attempts, the answer to that is chance - I always thought of my chance of IUI success as being like the chance of throwing a six on a dice (similar kind of odds).  Sometimes you can throw a dice many, many times before you get a six but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the dice or the way you are throwing it.  I did a lot of dice throwing (really!) during my treatments trying to work out on average how many throws I had to do before I got a six - sometimes it took 11 throws, sometimes just one, but the average was between 4 and 5!  Just before I got my BFP I had made the decision to have 8 IUIs before going on to IVF as I really believed IUI could work (I read the US SMC ttc threads and they do many more IUIs than most UK ttcers before going on to IVF (something to do with health insurance coverage) and quite a few of them get BFPs after 6+ goes).

You also asked if anyone had used the same donor more than 3 times and got a BFP.  I used the same donor for all 5 of my treatments.  My clinic did a 'bulk buying' option so I paid for enough sperm for 6 IUIs and 1 IVF upfront.  I was a bit concerned about the possibility of incompatibility so I queried it with the clinic.  They said that although there are lots of anecdotal stories about incompatibility there was no medical evidence to support this.  In all the donors they have worked with none has failed to achieve his 10 pregnancy quota.  This really got me thinking and although I have heard stories of people who have had several unsuccessful treatments then switched donor and got a positive straight away I have heard many more stories about couples who had tried to conceive for years without success only to succeed in getting pregnany unexpectedly (proving that they were never incompatible).

I think a big part of successfully TTCing is doing what feels right for you and feeling comforable about it.  It sounds like you would really like to have your 3rd try with your LWC donor, so maybe you should.  The fact that MFS is now ready to treat you is good and bad news isn't it - good because you've been waiting a long time, but bad because it is putting the pressure on you to decide on your next steps when you really need to have a bit of breathing space.  Did MFS say what would happen if you said you needed a couple of months before you were ready to proceed with them?  Will they put you back at the bottom of the list   or will they just put the next person on the list in front of you  ?

On the exercise front, I totally agree with what Rose and Suitcase say - if it benefits you as much as it seems then go for it.  I think so long as you don't do high impact and don't workout to the point of exhaustion then it is going to relax and de-stress you and I don't think even Zita West would have a problem with that!

Some1

xx


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hello Onestep!  (I was sat to your right at Stratford!) 

I am really sorry it was a BFN this time.....I know you will be gutted.  I'm not sure I can add much to the great postings so far.  Suffice to say I do agree IUI is a numbers game so I think it best to set your limit on it whether for time or financial reasons.  If I wasn't 41 I'd have done 4 or 5 iuis before going onto IVF but it's the age thing that's pushed me.  IVF is a big deal..there's no denying that ....but you really don't have to wrap yourself completely in cotton wool as Zita might be suggesting    I gave up reading her book cos of the constant (well it felt it!) references to having your partner cosset you whist going thru treatment!  I agree with the others about exercise.....strenous stuff is not a good idea of course and personally I waited to do anything until after implantation would have happened, but then I just went back to normal.  I was on a yoga holiday the second week of my first IUI 2ww .....and I did check with GP and consultants plus my yoga teacher and everyone was fine with it (with a few modifications to yoga practice e.g. no twisting addominals).  It is really good that you are so committed to exercise and it would make sense to still find a way to do it. 

I know you've a dilemma with the 2 clinics but it came out quite strongly in your posting that you felt stronger about the LWC donor.  I know it is a pain travelling to London (for me too) but you can have scans locally (at extra cost of course) if that's more convenient timewise. 

I wish you well with deciding next steps...and you've got a whole host of support on here! 

..Winky   xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi Onestep, really sorry that it didn't work out for you this time     

Good luck with whichever path you decide to take next      

Lou-Ann x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi One Step

I just wanted to say I am really sorry to hear your news.  We met in Stratford a couple of weeks and had a good chat.  I was thinking about you this week so it is sad to hear that IUI did not work for you this time.

You have been given some great advice by some of the other ladies on the board. I really do not have any practical advice to give you because I am new to all this but I would say go with your gut feeling.  It is probably too much to come to a decision straight away about which way to go so give yourself a little time to cry and look after yourself for a bit.  Then take each choice in turn and do what you think feels right for you.  

Anyway - I really just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  Sending you a hug  

Sima


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

What a relief.  

When I spoke to the local clinic, they said it's fine to take time now to prepare myself (eg acupuncture, relaxation) and so long as I start the IVF within a couple of months, there's no problem. 

So I can go with my plan of using the remaining sperm at LWC, while preparing for the IVF. I reckon doing an IUI with all the knowledge I've already got, plus the back up of an IVF waiting if it doesn't work will put me in a really good situation. You never know - the IUI might work  

They were also able to give me more info about the MFS donor, which made me more comfortable about him (just learning more about his interests made him into much more of a person, rather than only knowing his eye colour and build!). 

I'm feeling much more positive and hopeful today.  

It may take time, but it's possible to now have IUI, IVF and possibly FET if necessary. That'll certainly increase the odds! 

O.


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Glad all your plans are falling into place Onestepatatime! That's just great news as you get the best of both worlds - another go at IUI and then onto IVF (if you need it! )

I did 3 IUI's - all BFN and then moved onto IVF which worked first time. Ideally I would have liked to have done more IUI's but I was impatient and wanted to move onto something with a much higher success rate. I am so glad that I moved onto IVF - I feel that it was the right course of action for me. Don't be scared, as although you may think of IVF as a big deal, it's actually fine and fairly easy to manage once you get going. I hope that you don't need the IVF though!!    

Best Wishes
kylecatxxx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi, sorry that you got a negative this time  - I know how hard it is to take, My clinic also did a deal, buying 10amps of sperm so I had all my IUI's with the same donor, unfortunately they were all negative and couldn't use my last 2 amps as they need to be used within a year. At the time, I didn't even give it a second thought about switching donors for better success, maybe a bit naive now but who knows.

I'm glad that you are now feeling a little better - I always found it easier when I was planning next steps. Now that I am that much further down the line - planning my 11th (gulp) treatment, I don't really care about the donor that much - just want them to get me pregnant. I think in the early days I was really happy to get as much info as I could and to imagine what they would look like but now as long as the basic characteristics match mine to some degree I am happy  

roo xx


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Hi onestep,
sorry about the bfn but glad that MFS have given you time. Sounds ideal, use the LWC donor and hope it works but if not then you have the more lengthy and involved treatment closer to home. Echo what the others have said....in the end it was the baby and not the donor that became more important for me and the donor does kind of fade a bit once you get on the IVF route. Whilst IUI is obviously successful for some, given my age but also the idea that I could spend several thousand on IUI and still need to go to IVF anyway, I did just 3. Given the time it has taken to get my bfp (short relatively speaking but long psychologically - success on fourth ET) I would recommend going to IVF sooner rather than later because you really don't know what is going on in there! 3 IUIs felt manageable to me but in hindsight almost wished I'd only had two but no matter, now I have my bfp it all seems good. Hoping it lasts as the idea of yet another round of IVF makes me feel sick...actually I think that's the pg but you know what I mean! Good luck.  


Muddy


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Hello there Onestep, I'm picking up on your message a bit late but I'm so pleased to see things are falling into place for you after your BFN  and that you've had some great advice. 

I'm just starting on IVF and as Laura says its best to break it down into manageable steps. I wish I'd just gone for it from Day 1 rather than IUI but that's my age and you're a lot younger than me. Your plans sound spot on though. Wishing you lots of  for a lucky next go!

Love & hugs, Felix xx


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## Vix241 (Aug 17, 2008)

Hi One Step...

I was at the lunch sitting 2nd left.  It has been so heartening to read your post and the responses.  I just wanted to add my support and to wish you luck however you decide to proceed. 

Luv

Vix


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