# Isolated and so sad



## frustratedandsad (Oct 4, 2016)

Hi

I am new to this forum and I decided to join to meet people going through the same thing as me. 

I am 35 years old, my husband is 34 and we have been trying to conceive for almost two years now. We haven't had even a hint of positive pregnancy test. We started having investigations into why it wasn't happening for us - we both had blood tests, I had a scan of my uterus and an HSG test - all normal and healthy and my fertility is in fact optimal for my age. My husbands sperm test also came back normal, so we were in the 'unexplained infertility' bracket.

In the two years since we have been trying I have tried everything. We are both fit, well, healthy weights, don't smoke, drink little. In fact, I would go so far as to say we are the healthiest people we know. I have tried every food and supplement that is supposed to help conceive and nothing is worked. For the last seven months I have also been having acupuncture treatment, having found an acupuncturist in my area who was listed on Zita West's website. 

After several meetings with our doctor we were referred for IVF, and were lucky that we have three rounds funded by the NHS. Although I have always really wanted to conceive naturally, as the treatment is funded we decided to go for it whilst the funding was there. We went for the initial meeting with the IVF clinic and were surprised to be told that my husbands test actually showed that he had high numbers of abnormally shaped sperm - they think that may be why we've been having trouble. They recommended that we have ICSI as our consultant felt this was our best chance. 

Whilst all this was going on my dad had been very ill with pancreatic cancer. We were due to have our first IVF treatment in August but we postponed it due to his condition deteriorating quite substantially. He died at the start of August, and it's been a very difficult time. 

In September we pushed on ahead with ICSI, and  treatment started well. I responded quickly and very well to the drugs, with no side effects. They fertilised three eggs and transferred two blastocysts back to me - we were very hopeful and that two week wait, acting pregnant, was the longest of our lives.  We went on holiday for a week when we knew we would be testing. And it was negative. To say we were gutted is an understatement. I was so hoping that this would finally be time for our luck to turn. But sadly it wasn't.

It's been such a difficult time and I feel so helpless and so alone.  None of my friends know how this feels - how could they?  They have all got pregnant quickly, had their babies, taken a year off and gone back to work in the time it's taken for us to achieve none of this. I feel completely isolated from everyone, and am trying to deal with my grief for my dad at the same time. I feel constantly low and depressed, and not interested in socialising with anyone. I guess I am just looking to connect with someone else who is going through this, because I can't really talk to anyone about it. 

Is there anyone out there who can identify with all of this? I am so sick of feeling sad, lonely, frustrated and like my life is out of control. This struggle to conceive and the loss of my dad are the most difficult things I have ever been through  and I just feel so alone.

I suppose the best way to put it is that I have lost 'me'. I feel like I am changing, and not for the better.  I just want some joy back in my life.

Thanks for listening x


----------



## Nicola12 (Oct 3, 2016)

Hi, 
I'v just finished my first round of ivf too and today i got my bfn i'm so gutted!! I'm feeling exactly the same i have lovely friends and family and husband but yet never felt so alone, and i too feel like i'v lost myself all in the space of a few days! I'm not quite sure what to do with myself now i just know i need to focus on what we still want. What area are you from? My clinic is in halifax, west yorkshire, not far from leeds and i'm only entitled to the one nhs funded treatment which means i'll now have to fund any myself now and this is so worrying as we literally dont have so much spare cash! All my friends too have their own families and i'm just the top baby sitter!! I dont want to be a top baby sitter anymore!! I love them to bits, but it will never come close to having a baby of our own. I too feel like its changjng who i am, i dont want to turn into a bitter person but i can't help looking round thinking how were good people and others maybe not so much, yet blessed with what i see they dont deserve like i do! Killing inside, i hope as our hormones change back so do our minds! 

Nicola


----------



## Charlottots (Mar 30, 2016)

Hi Frustratedandsad

I was browsing the site and came across your post. I felt I had to respond as I know exactly how you feel. I am currently going through my 3rd ICSI cycle (self funded). I am 39 next week, ttc for 9 years and no whiff of a BFP ever. I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 18, just before my A levels and I miss him now more than ever. I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with that as well. 
I have felt like you, very alone and isolated during the IVF process. My younger brother had an 'accident' that resulted in my niece a year ago and I really struggled to come to terms with it. Unless one of your existing friends has gone through this process then they won't understand, no matter how hard they try. Even family try to understand but never will. 
I know it's hard but you should try to be positive and appreciate what you have - it may not feel like it but you are lucky to get NHS funding for 3 cycles, you are still young at 35 and have a much greater chance of success. It must be so hard to deal with that and your Dad, having infertility already feels like enough punishment for a couple without that added stress (and stress doesn't help make babies).
This website can be very helpful but it's not the same as a face to face friend, is it? You can have a good rant on here though and someone is bound to understand how you feel!
Probably been suggested already but I had counselling after my failed cycles - this can really help?

Hope you're taking care of yourself hon, we're all here for each other x


----------



## Writers_of_note (Oct 3, 2016)

Hello Frustratedandsad

I also had my first round of ICSI ivf this summer and with a BFN. I have some understanding of how gutting that is but my hopes were never really "up" as I have been diagnosed with low egg quality. It still hurt like hell though. I can't even imagine what losing a parent  in that period does to you. I suspect you need to take some time out and practice some self care but as a 35 yo I know what it feels like for that clock to be ticking away. The positive thing for you is that your eggs seem to be in good nick so don't panic about time. 

It's a desperately lonely experience this infertility business. I was not prepared for how emotionally draining it would be. I had two weeks off work in May with stress and it helped me a lot. I don't know how your work situation is but I would recommend a king some time off to grieve a bit. 
Sending lots of love xxx


----------



## Racquel (Sep 21, 2016)

Hi all 
I'm 48 and just had my first and only journey of DE along with IMSI at Team Miracle in Cyprus.
Having requested pgd and embryoscope to give myself the best chance to which we got 11 eggs 10 fertilised to blastocyst and one was hatching  on transfer day so we were advised by the enbryologist we must implant this boy embryo and choose 2AA girl embryos as we had wanted gender selection too.
What I thought was going to be a positive journey has been stressful traumatic and ended now in grief,as I received a BFN yesterday.
I'm not sure about clinics anywhere else but there seems to definitely been a lack of communication with Team Miracle and it's more about no's than actual patients.
Giving hope to the vunerable and telling you what you want to hear.
Not explaining doubt at all.
I have never felt so lonely and as much as my husband is also traumatised by this journey ,he is trying his best to support me.
We didn't tell anyone family or friends what we were doing in fear of BFN.
Since being on this site I admire every person who has attempted Ivf treatment as to continue getting BFN and pick yourself up again to start another round of treatment , I think are amazingly strong woman.
I am in blame mode and need answers to why it didn't work ?
I am extremely fortunate to have had 2 natural Births 23 years ago but I'm on my second marriage and with my soul mate and wanted to complete our family.
I'm devastated beyond belief and feel did you all 
Sending love to you all X


----------

