# depressed, after failed ivf



## nelly1103

Needing some urgent advice help to get me through this, failed 1st ivf cycle and I'm very devastated, getting very angry with dh and amount of rage inside me is frightening along with thoughts of just ending everything   feel so useless as a person and as a woman spent over 20 years of my life struggling to live a daily life with suffer in panic attacks now I can't have a baby, wonder y god put me on this earth. Scared of losing control please help


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## Maisyz

So sorry it didn't work this time, it's devastating.

Does your clinic have a counsellor? If so maybe ask to speak with her, they have honestly heard it all about how people feel going through IVF and can listen without judging you. If they don't have this service I'd say speak to your GP who might be able to help find someone.

This experience is so hard, we'e all here for you  

Maisy x


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## Nordickat

Nelly i'm so sorry for your bfn. You need tlc now, and i mainly mean from yourself (((hugs))). BFNs bring with them the worst emotions and i'm so sorry you had to find out how they feel. You will feel awful though i'm afraid because it really does hurt so much. And i think the first one us the most painful and the one that makes us most angry with the world.

You won't lose control though. Talk to dp tonight so he knows how you are feeling and can help keep you safe. Do you have any medication for your panic attacks? Call your gp first thing in the morning and tell them how you feel and get a little Valium if you don't already have any medication. If you have talked to dp first so he understands then he will accept if things get really hard tonight he might have to take you to A&E just do you can get something to calm you down a little.

I'm sure there are numbers you can call if you can't talk to dp about it. Does Mind have a number? Sorry I'm not in the uk so I'm not sure. I am a fellow sufferer though so know how scary it is to feel you are losing control. Talk or even just let it all out on here but stay safe. Your journey isn't over yet.

Katxxx


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## nelly1103

Thank you I have had to take a Valium to calm myself as I was scared I was just going to lose control I'll l make an app to see doctor /, tried to tell dh how I feel all I get told is don't be so silly , arrghhhhhh   no one will understand how hard it is for a woman not able to have babies , feel like my life is worthless I'm worthless and can't see point in carrying on hopefully Valium will kick in real soon x thank u everyone for ur support x


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## Daisy-Chain

nelly1103 - I'm so sorry for your BFN, it's so hard and upsetting   it's a feeling that you just never forget.  On one of my cycles in particular, I had a really hard time coming to terms with it, I was angry, raging, sad, cried all the time and then someone advised me to see a counsellor at the clinic I had treatment at, I didnt think I needed to but I decided to try it and I did.  It was very helpful and really helped me move on.

Does your clinic offer this service?  I think lots of them do.

You are not worthless, struggling to have a baby does not make you worthless.  You are stronger than you think, give yourself credit for the fact that you have been through a very difficult journey in having treatment and I'm sure once you are able to come to terms with this cycle, your strength will come through again and let you carry on  

Daisy x


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## Nordickat

You are right that nobody in your real world will understand how hard this journey is but on here there are far too many of us who do understand and we are all here to help you through this. 

And daisy is right, you are not worthless at all. Being able to have a baby doesn't add worth to your life, it just feels like it would right now because your pain is so raw. One thing I can promise though, the pain does ease. You just have to get through the anger stage and then allow yourself to grieve. You lost a lot if hopes and dreams today and you have to go through the grief process before you can gather your strength again. 

Give yourself time and stop beating yourself up. You are a strong woman, don't underestimate how much strength it takes to go through ivf. There is every point in you carrying with this battle I can assure you.

Hang in there,
Katxxx

PS. If you need a bit more understanding from DH, maybe take a look at the negative cycle board and find some threads for him to read to understand how hard this is.


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## NicL

hi nelly

 so sad you are going through this. 

It is very hard to go through what you have been through but you will get heaps of support and understanding on here. We seem to be living in a world at the moment where, in the eyes of the media, being a parent is a status symbol - it defines who we are and our worth - you can tell it from the telly - s*dding One born Every Minute, call the midwife, pramface, 16 and pregnant - the list is endless. And what - one programme every five years on infertility. 

Well i can tell you it doesn't. Every lady (and man - there are a few!) on here is worth their weight in gold. We go through things that most people cant ever imagine. We pump ourselves full of hormones, we are prodded and poked till we dont care anymore about who sees our bits, and we might just dare to dream. Then it is ripped away. But there are stories on here of hope - of people who have got their dream, and those who haven't but have come to term with that and made the heartbreaking decision to move on. 

Our worth as a human being isn't defined by our ability to have kids because quite frankly if it was there wouldnt be so many idiots with children. 

Sorry i am ranting now. I hope you are starting to feel a bit calmer. In a while you will get over your loss and you will find strength to carry on. because that is what we do. 

xx


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## katehe

HI Nelly
All I can say is that I have been there. I had a panic attack when I heard the consultant say to move onto donor eggs. I went straight to the GP and signed myself off work for 2 weeks to get over the initial shock. In the time off, I found myself a grief counsellor who after only 4 sessions helped like no one else could. I feared I would live with that blackness forever and I had this urge to change everything in my life. My counsellor urged me to slow down and not try to get over it all instantly. Take each day and try to let the emotions wash over you as they will for a while yet. 6 months after the last ivf I still have a cry once a week but it doesn't fill my entire world now.
I also got in touch with ppl that had been through it and it helped to talk. Believe it or not, infertility teaches you that you are stronger than you ever imagined. Xxxx


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## Tiffanymi

Hi nelly. 2 weeks ago I had a failed IVF, my first one.  I never expected to feel as bad as I did. I was so upset and angry. I also fought with DH after being so close. I felt empty, pessimistic and sad that I would never have a child. It took me by surprise because I always thought i would be ok. These last 2 weeks were so sad and such a weird feeling but I have to tell you it is temporary and you will survive. Already after the 2 weeks I am feeling much much better and ready for the next. where I had no hope, I now am positive I need to carry on to get a BFP one day. Hang in there it will get better. I also felt quite lonely and it helps to talk to people you trust. I have my TF appointment tomorrow to see what went wrong and I am petrified. But feeling much stronger.  Here's to he next one for both of us!! You will feel better just try to het that hope back. I understand I was there 2 weeks ago.  It will get better.


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## nelly1103

thank you all so much for your support i totally appreciate it, last night i took a major breakdown adn lost control , i had a silly disagreeemnt with dh, packed my bags to leave him ( drama queen i know) and he came upstairs to talk to me but he found it funny i was packing bags so i just flipped out and started throwing stuff at him i tought i was going to burst into flames with amount of rage and anger inside me, then i just collapsed into a heap on the floor and took major meltdown, dh just cuddled me adn told me it will be alright,,, im so glad nothign hit him lol,, last night felt the end of my world and i never ever want to texperience that ever again. i just hope now thats all the anger gone from inside me as its very scary feeling that angry,,, crossing the main rd yesterday i felt like just standing there in middle of it whilst a car was coming towards me... i hope and pray this is the end of these horrible feelings. everywhere is babies i closed my ******** down cos its all babies and peeps being pregnant,, tv is all baby programs driving me insane...... all your words of wisdom is helping me guys so thank you very very much.... hope we all get through this and end up with our bundle of joys. lots of love Cheryl (Nelly ) x


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## ELW7

Nelly, I'm so very sorry that you are feeling like this.  I can totally understand how you're feeling as all the things you have said, I am feeling exactly the same at the moment!  I had just posted a similar post before reading yours and I too don't know how I can get through these horrible feelings I am having right now.  This journey is torturous and so very very cruel.  I hate myself at the moment for so many reasons, having lost a baby, now this negative cycle and feeling so guilty for hating the fact that  so many close family and friends all having what I so desperately want.  I too just want this pain to go away but I have no idea how to do that.  I only hope that your days get a little brighter soon and your dreams do come true, Emma xxx


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## nelly1103

I'm so very sorry for ur loss that must be heartbreaking , life is cruel and unfair, I just hope we all get through this nightmare and end up with our dream come true x x


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## Ginger Fox

Don't feel alone ladies as I'm in that horrible place too. My heads about to explode with all the questions our first failed attempt is making me ask myself: Will it ever happen for us? Should I have a career change and do something worthwhile? Should we escape down under?!?!? I've seen my GP and can't take any meds as on epilepsy tablets (they might help you deal with this raw bit better and lift the mist that's clouding your view, I know I would if I could) I'm having some counselling, Cognative Behavioral Therapy and starting Yoga and reflexology. I've also got a month off work.  Trying to help my mind relax before dealing with the bigger questions. Hang in there, get support from your nearest and dearest and do what you need to do to help yourselves relax.  We're only human, think we put way too much pressure on ourselves, I know I'm guilty. Good luck x x x


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## ELW7

You're definitely right about putting too much pressure on ourselves Gingerfox.  I put so much on myself, not only about desperately wanting to have a baby, but hoping it will happen before my initial due date, before my sister has hers, before I have another birthday etc etc which all gets too much too handle!  Sorry for your recent result, I hope the time off helps you both and wishing you lots of luck on your journey xxx

I hope we all have happier times to come and get the miracles we all deserve   xxx


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## Minx52

I'm also really struggling after a failed cycle and either sit staring into space beating myself up about how I'm never going to be a mum and that I've left it too late, don't deserve it and its all my fault to not wanting to actually believe its all I've as AF hasn't really arrived properly even tho the test says negative.

I really hate people on the TV, in the street and even my own family and friends that are pregnant or have babies, what sort if a person am I? If anyone else who hasn't had IVF or had problems conceiving try's to tell me it'll all be alright and it will happen, or I know how you feel, I think ill explode. 

That's why it's good to share on here and to talk things through x

Nelly - our blokes don't show their emotions as well as we do, plus they haven't had hormones pumped into them and left their dignity at the door a long time ago. Keep positive, and try and get some support/counselling if you need it. Hopefully you've managed to fear one if your emotions last night and can start to look forward. 

Good luck ladies x x


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## ELW7

I know how you feel! Just sorry you feel like this   It sucks! Xxx


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## Minx52

Thanks ELW, it's sh*t isn't it..... Felt better to have a rant though.  

Ladies - hope you're all feeling ok and a bit more positive. Have a good weekend x x


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