# Feeling anger at failed ICSI cycle



## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

Found out our first ICSI cycle has failed and while we feel sad and devastated, I also feel angry. Not sure who I'm angry at, the clinic, the doctors, myself, my husband... I just feel bitter right now. Just wondering if anyone else felt this? I got my period today which finally banished any hope for BFP and now I just feel plain angry at my stupid body.

Our clinic weren't particularly helpful. They didn't offer much advice or guidance throughout the IVF journey. I had 11 eggs collected, 9 fertilized and by day 3 we had x6 Grade 1 embies, x2 Grade 2 and x1 Grade 4. The embryologist told us it was a "brilliant result". By day 5, as we sat in the lab ready to transfer, they told us "you now have just 1 embryo to transfer, none to freeze". GULP, we were so shocked! How could that many perish in a couple of days?? Has this happened to anyone else? 

I feel so low and wonder how I'll ever pull out of this sadness but I know I will, eventually. Won't i?


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## patbaz (May 21, 2010)

Lydiadanni i m so sorry you are going through this but what you are feeling is completely natural huni. It's hard to take the BFN. All you can do is go with your emotions. Be angry, get emotional and scream and shout if you need to. Once you have left that phase (personal experience it takes time) make a list of things you want to ask at your follow up. Also make a list of the things you were unhappy with during tx. Sending you some virtual hugs sweetie    IF sucks  

Pat


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

that's shocking to lose so many embryos, best ask for as much information as you can about what happened.. although it is better to have one to transfer than none.. I have four frosties but they were frozen at day three so I have no idea if they would have made it to day 5.... I guess that's the risk of going to blast, though nobody would expect you to only end up with one from 9... 

you will go through all the stages of grief... so sorry for your loss... it's not about the particular embryo but the whole process and the hopes and dreams for the future...you lose so much more than just the physical aspects.

my first cycle was BFN and my second m/c but my third went much better.. have hope... most first tries fail... but there's no reason you can't succeed on another cycle. Good luck! Let yourself heal then look forward....


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

Thanks goldbunny and pat, it's so reassuring to hear that it is possible to get through this pain. Really appreciate your kind words of advice. Wishing you all the best also x


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## FlyingCat (Jan 23, 2011)

So sorry to hear what happened for you. I completely understand your anger. As others have said you may go through a whole array of emotions similar to grief as you come to terms with the fact that this was not your time.

Personally I find my way of dealing with negative results is to try and understand what happened. Hopefully you will be offered a followup appointment soon to go through what the clinic think went wrong for you. On this side I might be able to shed a little light as we had a similar situation.

On my first cycle we got 14 eggs, of which 11 were mature and 10 of those fertilized successfully. On day three all ten were still great quality (can't remember exact stats). On day five we had one that had reached blast and all the others were "wait and see". None of the others made it to blast so none to freeze.

Now we were very lucky as the final one became our daughter, however when we went back for further cycles to give her a sibling we learned more about what (probably) happened. Embryo development is not all equal - in the first three days the development is mostly believed to be down to the quality of the egg, on days 4 and 5 the sperm comes into play so poor development between days three and 5 is a strong indicator that sperm is an issue. So in this case waiting til day five is a really good diagnostic tool.

(There are other possibilities and lab failure is one of them but it is really very unlikely).

If this is the case and sperm quality proves to be an issue there are maybe three approaches to take;

1. Try and fix the problem. Suggest requesting referral to a good urologist and try and find a cause. most of the identifiable causes are treatable to a greater of lesser extent - sadly there are plenty of cases where a cause cannot be found.

2. Needle in the haystack approach - try and find the good sperm. In any sample with sperm in it it's unlikely that absolutely all the sperm are bad - its then a case of finding the good ones. At the moment even ICSI is just a beauty contest and can't tell reliably which sperm are the best ones. IMSI might (unproven) up your chances a bit, or just trying again and hoping to find the lucky one is also an option (worked for us!).

3. If you're comfortable (and after doing more tests to see how bad the problem might be) then you might chose to begin thinking about donor sperm. This is a huge step but there are so many couples on here who have wonderful babies because of donors too.

... Now all of those ideas are based on sperm being found to be the problem but remember conception involves two people. Research has shown that a really good quality egg can even "Fix" a low quality sperm and result in a successful pregnancy so make sure you also concentrate on your own health and ability to produce great eggs and carry a pregnancy too. Baby making (even with IVF!) is a team sport.

Huge hugs and best of luck.


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## emmab22 (Feb 26, 2014)

Hi Lydiadanni

I have just had my first ICSI cycle, 
I had 13 eggs collected of which 9 fertilised, but then apparntly I only had 1 to transfer, they said they were not at the right stage? I was gutted too that we had none to freeze after I had such a high amount.
xx


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi Lydiadanni 

I just want to say how you are feeling is totally and completely normal. I was SO angry when our cycle failed, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at all the fertile people and I literally could not stop sobbing. It's heartbreaking. We have poor morphology too (less than 5% normal forms) and we had 12 eggs collected, and 9 fertilised. I had a day 3 transfer as there were 2 embryos which looked better than all the others. I had 2 transferred and the rest of them weren't good enough to freeze. I wasn't too upset at the time as I thought the 2 that were put back would work, but when it didn't it was devastating. At my follow up the consultant said the egg quality wasn't amazing (great another thing against us!!) but he said next time we would try a different drug which is meant to help the egg quality a bit and also have the progesterone injection instead of the pessaries, as, like you I started bleeding before my OTD. The first cycle is like a trial run (heartbreaking as that is) - they will have learnt loads about your body and how you responded etc so next time (if you decide to cycle again) you will hopefully get that BFP.  

I will reply to you on the other thread too! hugs xxx


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Ladies,  I want to add a piece of information:
High doses of gonal f and any other hhormones for egg growth can "fry" your eggs and therefore reduce the quality. They used to give me 450 and even 600 of gonal f and I didn't need because our ivf was because of the male factor. Then, I went to a Dr Who gave me 150 and my embryos were healthier and more blastocyst.  I ended up having for ex 14 eggs and out of them 10-11 blasts! 
So advocate for yourself! Don't accept high doses unless you are a very poor responder!


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi, the exact same thing happened to me!!

15 eggs collected, 10 fertilised, all 10 still going strong on day 3, day 5 comes & only 1 blast the other 9 arrested somewhere between day 3 & day 5  

I had that 1 blast transferred & although I did get a BFP i had a miscarriage, 

So next cycle I had 14 eggs collected only 6 fertilised this time, god knows what my husbands   were playing at that night!! by day 3 I only had 2 good quality embryos so didn't even get the chance for blast this time but if I had of got the chance I would not of taken the risk. I had both day 3 embryos put back & now have a 5 month old son.

I would never do day 5 transfer again, I lost too many embryos. x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

with our first cycle i even had breakdowns a few days before OTD - we tested on the Wednesday and both the Monday and Tuesday evening i had complete meltdowns - screaming, crying to the point of feeling sick and then sobbing in silence curled up on the sofa - this is what my DH came home to both nights - bless him - just lay with me with his arms round me. 
then came wednesday and AF arrived as well as a BFN - and its weird i was 'ok' at first - sad sure but i didnt really feel anything - i went round to see my mom in the afternoon - nothing like a hug and a cuppa with your mom when your upset and just talked for a few hours. it was a few days later when i started to get really angry - i was p***d off about everything.

this happened back in March - and im expecting to feel better anyday now! lol

i still have moments of deep grief over the loss of my embryo, moments of pure anger at our situation and moments of servre tiredness where i question my ability to keep going.

What you feeling is 'normal' and as patbaz said - go with your emotions - let yourself feel them fully otherwise you will keep feeling worse.


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to say that it's worth to keep hoping, even after the most painful failures. We are so lucky to live in an age and place that offers us many ways to have a baby. If normal IVF doesn't work, we have so many options like sperm donation, egg donation, embryo adoption, surrogacy... I guess the only limits are the financial component and how much we can endure to make our dream come true. 

My world fell apart after the failure of our first ICSI, when I was told not to waste my time with my own "very poor quality" eggs. After much sadness and grieving, my husband and I picked ourselves up and made the big decision to go for egg donation. I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier with our decision. So my point is, there is often a light at the end of the tunnel. I won't use the words "be patient" as I wanted to strangle every person who uttered those words, but have some comfort that there are often a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a long tunnel, it may not be the light you expected, but it's not like things have been a piece of cake for anyone who has already gone thorough fertility testing and treatments.

In terms of embryos, some clinics offer more advanced techniques that help their development. My clinic in Spain offers the embryoscope (incubator with camera where the embryologist doesn't need to take out the embryos form their medium), IMSI (ICSI with superior magnification to better select sperm) and other techniques that can only help getting better results. I'm not sure if clinics in the UK offer these, but it's worth checking.

Wishing everyone the miracle they deserve so much.
xx


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