# How I arrived here....



## Lizz (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi   

Well after 5 ICSI's - 2 with immune drugs (4BFN and one m/c) we have finally reached the end of the IVF journey and while it is early days I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 
We thought about adoption after our m/c last year and decided to have one more go but deep in my heart I felt we were just going through the motions.

I am sure that there are going to be lots of tears in the weeks & months ahead but I need to focus on my desire to be a mummy and if that can't be biologically then so be it.
My friend died last week and it put everything into perspective- life is not a dress rehearsal- and I feel for the past 8 years I have been living to get pregnant.

Am I being unrealistic about all of this? How did you feel when you made the decision to move on?

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest
Liz xxx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Liz   so sorry to hear about your friend, how sad x

I haven't moved on yet but after my next cycle I feel that I need to in order to put some perspective into my life, I know that I'm not old, well 33 but if I don't succeed with this 3rd cycle then I am looking at adoption.  We could go on indefinately chasing a rainbow that might never end and also end up spending a lot of money without getting that BFP.

Sorry for waffling and that I can't help with how to make that decision but wanted to say you're not alone


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Hi Liz,

I don't think you're being unrealistic at all, on the contrary, I think you're looking at things in a clear way. You ask how people felt when they made the decision to "move on" - I felt relief. Like you, during my last IVF cycle, I felt like I was going through the motions, and afterwards, I just couldn't face doing it again. I just didn't want to go through any more, and I wanted my life back. That's not to say I just got on with life! I'm about 6 months into the "moving on" thing, and it's still incredibly painful, and I still have problems with my emotions, but I am really really glad I made the decision to stop. Now I'm out of the hole that tx put me in, and I am socialising again, and doing all sorts of things, and I don't spend half of every month thinking "is this the month?", which is a wonderful thing. Like you said about "living to get pregnant" - I'm not doing that anymore and actually that feels great.  There are wonderful people on here who are a lot further down the line than me, and it's fantastic to hear their perspective and that things do get easier, but for now, for me, it's one step at a time.

Take care and nice to meet you! x


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## Lizz (Mar 10, 2005)

Thanks Beach girl and emmag for your replies.

emmag I know that this is going to be tough but it is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand exactly how you feel. I have a friend who is 5 months pregnant and she is so concerned for me and how I am going to cope seeing her ( I work with her so can't get out of that one) but I think once I have faced her then that will be one hurdle jumped. Women can't just stop having babies because I can't can they

Anyway we are planning a trip away  and then once back we are going to make the step onto the adoption route.

Good luck with your journeys 
Liz xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello!

I don't think you're being unrealistic either.  When we first decided to stop trying (after a much less painful journey than yours) I felt innitially relieved, but then started to go down hill, and it took a couple of counselling sessions to help me sort out how I was feeling and to accept that I was just unhappy about things that it is perfectly normal to be unhappy about.  Since then life has got steadily better.  I have so much less stress in my life, and am able to start living for other people - which is such a relief after having to be so self-absorbed!  Life has so much to offer, and I'm determined to grab it with both hands.  The sadness won't go away, but for me it doesn't have to, it just has to be a part of who I am rather than consuming everything (and I'm sorry if I'm treading on anyone's toes here - I know it takes all of us different pathways and journeys to deal with our grief, and I know I haven't got the magic answer that makes it all 'better' - I wish I had) .  Since Christmas (so about 6 months after my last cycle) I've been feeling a lot more positive. I've taken up a new hobby (morris dancing), which I wanted to for ages, and got involved with volunteering which means I'm meeting some really interesting people, and I'm able to take advantage of all sorts of opportunities at work which I really enjoy as it's also very people-focussed.  We're also planning some holidays that we couldn't have planned with little one(s).

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.  Like you say, it really does put things into perspective.  My only advice is - be gentle with yourself!  Don't put pressure on yourself to just 'be happy' - and if you need them, counsellors are wonderful people and can make so much difference!

Jx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Lizz,

I am sorry to hear about your friend, I hope you are feeling supported to deal with this bereavement. It must be so hard to loose someone just as you are coming to terms with the end of IF treatment, especially if the friend supported you through it. 

It is good to hear that your pregnant friend is concerned for you. You are certianly right that just cos we can't have children the rest of the world will carry on regardless, and that sort of thinking will help you through, as will friends who are sensitive about your feelings.

It sounds to me that you are being really sensible in your approach to this difficult time, not at all unrealistic.

I am one of the people for whom a lot of time has passed since treatment and I can indeed say that eventually it gets easier. There is no timescale though and you may have stops and starts in your progress. One day you will be feeling fine and then there will be what our dear Emcee calls a bite on-the-bum moment! But as you work through this you will learn how to deal with the difficult days more easily. 

You are welcome to join us here, the members of this board are so supportive to one another.

Jq xxx


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## Lizz (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Jq
Thanks for your lovely message. 
I know it is early days but I am coping very well at the moment. I think deep down I had prepared myself for the worse before we even began this last cycle so mentally I feel quite strong and ready to move on. I know I am going to have bad days but hopefully they will be few and far between.
I take a lot of comfort in the support I have received from family and friends and from all those who have experienced the same pain and journey to get them where they are today.
Take care
Lizxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Good on you Liz! 

Jq xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

to you hunny .. I am sorry to hear about your friend and you are right it does put things into perspective   I am sorry you have had to endure this pain  

I am at the point where I have an appointment in 2 months time that I am terrified to cancel because it means finally giving up of any possibility of having my own child but I know they are clutching at straws as I have responded abnormally to every treatment I have had so far .. and so what is the point of prolonging more agony.. I was going to apply to adopt quite quickly but the last month or so has shown me that I am not ready for that .. as the agony is still too raw..and the fact that I can't bring myself to cancel the appointment shows I have not yet accepted it is over there is one small part of me that wants a miracle. 

I ordered all the books about moving on thinking that this was a positive move .. I have read most of them but it doesn't make a magic switch inside me suddenly not want my own child .. I think I was pretty unrealistic thinking that it would.. I still find some days completely overwhelming usually triggered by something like a insensitive conversation on the bus .. one morning it was a discussion between two women who could breed like rabbits and how they got rid of one of their pregnancies as they found out it wasn't a boy and they already had 4 girls .. well I cried all the way to work, tears I could not stop falling and I was ok until someone asked me how I was at work when I tried to pretend I was ok and I just sobbed my heart out with grief for what I could never have .. I know I am not ready to take on a child that is not born of my womb..I hope that day will come because I have a need to nurture and love a child and give a part of me that has always been there to a child that deserves a better life than it has already...but first I have to heal myself ..I have been finding it harder and harder coming on here talking to my friends who have got pregnant on here and that saddens me greatly ..but sometimes you have to be kind to yourself as the pain is just too much to bear. 

I wish I had a magic wand to take all your pain away as I know that pain, I live it and breathe it every day I know it so well it could almost be a friend.. but I don't want pain as a friend there is a life out there for us with joy, and hope and laughter.. its only a corner away ..we just have to be brave enough to turn that corner and leave our hopes for this dream behind. 

 to all 
Cat x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Cat,

I don't know if it helps, but moving on can be about *slowly * making a good life without the "normal" expectactions of having children. For me it does not mean I stopped wanting birth chikdren, more about learning to have a good life without them. No magoc, just tme.

Jq xxxx


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hey there,

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of it lately. I just wanted to support what Jq said that it isn't about denying your desire for children but finding the other things that make your life worthwhile. I am starting to get there, but I have had to allow myself to feel the heartbreaking pain of my IF and accept that it is ok to feel that way in order to be able to appreciate the good things in my life too.

Over time I have found that I don't think about it absolutely every second of every day and that it doesn't define me as a person. Of course I have moments when it hits me with a sledge hammer too, but they are getting less painful too. Where once I would have sobbed I now find myself just acknowledging that I find it painful and then focusing on something else.

I guess what I am trying to say that there is no 'right' time or 'signal' for when it is time to move on, just something in yourself that says you can't keep doing what you are and that you need to do something different.

Good look with your journey. Be gentle with yourself.

VT
x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hi there

I completely agree with Jq in emphasising that there isn't any magic.  For me the pivotal moment so far has been realising that.  It was when a counsellor said to me 'but it's perfectly natural to feel sad that you can't have children, and you wouldn't be yourself if you stopped being sad'.  She showed me that people who show emotion aren't despised, at least not by the sort of people I'd want as friends, and that there isn't any rule that in order to be a 'nice' person you have to also be a 'happy' person (oddly I had always equated those two - she reckons it's a parental expectation I've been trying to live up to all these years!)  Looking at all the things that have happened to people I admire in my life (my aunt for instance who lost her first two children at birth, suffered really badly with PND when her longed-for daughters did turn up, and lost her husband in her late 40s in a horrific car crash, and is still a wonderful approachable person, perhaps because of the tragedy she's suffered) I'm finding I am a lot more 'at peace' with myself as a person who has a big sadness in my life that I have to admit to and indulge in, but also joys and interests and new pathways that weren't there before, certainly not during treatment which completely straight-jacketed my life.

I'm rambling, I'm afraid - I hope some of this is helpful - it's all so personal it's hard to do anything but say 'this is how I feel' when really I just want to give you all a big hug!

Jx


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