# Loss of confidence after third failure, feeling less of a woman



## louise36

Hello Ladies

Little bit about me - TTC for 3 years, 3 failed ICSI cycles, Low AMH and male factor too.  We had our third failed cycle in March and have decided DE is the best way forward for us.  One of my concerns at the moment ( I say moment but I have been feeling this way for months and months) is that my confidence is pretty low with regards to seeing people/going out etc as I just feel so rubbish, useless, and almost embarased that all my friends/family can concieve and have familes and well, I cant.  4 of my friends all fell pregnant within 5 months of each other and I feel such a fool and Im not sure if humiliated is the right word but I guess that sums up how I feel. 

I am the same age as my friends and they have all conceived either quickly or within a year and it all feels so awkward that they feel sorry for me and I dont want them to feel sorry for me, its just a nightmare and the only way I have dealt with it is that Ive not seen them which hence makes me feel even more isolated but i just cant face them. ( we were pretty open about when we started TTC and of course everyone has zipped straight past us - I know its not a race but you know what I mean)  I used to be so positive and confident that I could do pretty much what I wanted when I wanted, how wrong was I.


They are all lovely and brilliant but i cant speak to them as if im honest I feel resentful and when one got pregnant I confided how I felt to another friend and then a couple of months later she also was pregnant ( she was on the pill and didnt even want kids) and then I just feel ooh Im meant to be happy and you didnt even want them!  I never in a million years thought id ever feel anything but joy for other people becoming pregnant but now I dont, I feel all hurt and think youre all susposed to be my friends and then you do that.  How mad is that hey!! Like its any of my business when someone wants to have a baby, like theyre going to consult me!  Its horrible that I feel that way and its just not me but there we go.  

I know from reading similar situations that its kind of "normal" to feel this way, I try to think we're just on a different time scale to other people (different planet more like) and theyre doing their thing and we're doing ours and to focus on what we're doing not on what everyone else is doing.  Its just hard isnt it and its part of my life now, every single day I think about it.

Rant over, thank you to all you lovely ladies for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone.

Lxxxxxx


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## Honor77

Hey Louise,

Just wanted to say that I know _*exactly*_ how you feel . I've posted on a couple of similar threads recently, which you may well have come across.

So sorry to hear that you've had such bad luck so far . I'm lucky to not be that far down the line yet, but it's still early days for us and who knows what's round the corner... I can though certainly sympathise and relate to how it's making you feel. Many of my friends are now on #3 - it sometimes feels like I'm losing track, losing touch and losing confidence .

You pretty much summed up how I too sometimes feel at being left behind, awkward and even resentful - they've all got their lovely babies and are off playing happy families, leaving me feeling like I'm on the sidelines and "not part of it all", unlike their other friends who also all have children .

Involuntary childlessness is such an isolating feeling. I also have some amazing close friends, but only one who I know REALLY knows what it's like, having been there herself. Perhaps I don't give the others enough credit, and perhaps it's partly my own fault, being reluctant to tell people either exactly how I feel or even the whole story (not many people know we're having to undergo treatment), but I do feel like there's _no_ way they can know how painful it is for me to feel like I'm the "only one" without children, not wanting to tell all and sundry about our situation but equally hating the idea that they may be thinking we have chosen not to have children.

Anyhow, I'll stop waffling! I just wanted to reassure you that it is totally normal to be feeling the way you are. Feel free to read my diary - we're just pre-treatment and so at the moment it's more of a emotional record than clinical, in particular a place I use to try and tackle the problems I'm having dealing with the pregnancy of a close friend.

I hope you can manage to find your way forward and that whatever path you choose brings you your hearts desire .


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## ❣Audrey

Louise - I just want to say that my heart goes out to you.  As Honor has said, infertility is such an isolating experience, but you need to know that you are not alone.  There is always someone here who will understand who you are feeling and talk through that with you.  Thinking of you xxx


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## Gypsy Moon

Louise, Honor and Audrey, I didn't want to read and run.  I too also know exactly how you feel.  I still have a glimour of hope (well until the 5th May anyway) and then that's it for attempts with my own eggs.  I resigned from my job after my second failed attempt.  Although, having less stress may not make any difference to my result on the 5th, I know that I am a lot more relaxed and have felt a lot better during this third and final attempt.  In fact my DH commented that he hadn't felt like throttling me this LOL.  But I know exactly what you mean about loss of confidence and feeling less of a woman.  If I could stay indoors all day and avoid all pregnant women, and families, I would, but luckily I have a dog that needs walking. I've hidden friends posts on ********, in case they start announcing pregnancies.  I know I can't continue like this but at the moment it feels as though there is a bit hole in my heart and it's getting bigger.  Be easy on yourselves and draw on the support of partners, families and friends if you can.  I found it hard to explain to my DH how I was feeling at the end of our second attempt so I wrote him a letter.  He thanked me for doing it because it made him realise how I was feeling (I was finding it hard to explain face to face).  Big   to you all.  Gypsy xxx


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## Honor77

Oh God, ** is the worst, isn't it?! 

We should start a fantasy ** status updates thread for all those statuses you wish you had the guts to post, like "X wishes people would just say they're God-damn pregnant instead of putting up flimsy hidden-meaning statuses", "X is going to SCREAM if she sees anymore b****dy scan pics on here!" and "X is going through hell with all this IVF malarkey" 

xxx


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## PieGirl3

Hi Louise, 

I'm in exactly the same position as you. Last week my third attempt at ICSI failed. Devastated. Somehow thought it had worked this time, but obviously was not to be. We have our follow up next week, and are booked in for the Level 2 tests. We didn't do them previously as felt we couldn't justify the added cost, but now I just want to know if there is anything that can be done to help.

As to feeling isolated - I am with you there too. My friends sympathise, but I don't want people feeling sorry for me. They don't understand - luckily for them - as they haven't gone through the years of trying, tests and horrendous disappointment. I have lost all enthusiasm to see anyone or do anything. Its my birthday in a couple of weeks, and I keep getting asked what I want to do - which is of course nothing. Why would I want to celebrate being a year older when I know the chances of successful IVF drop - and so far it hasn't been a successful road anyway!!!

Anyway, somehow you muddle through and try to focus on the small positives of everything. Until the last few weeks, I hadn't logged on to such support pages - but am finding it such a fantastic support this time. It really does help chatting to others who are in exactly the same boat and so totally understand what's going on. Makes you realise how many others are going through the same thing - which is just so sad. Life can be cruel.

Take care xx


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## jamaicababytrying

Honor, Louise, Pie so so sorry    

Gypsy Moon good luck... 

H ladies, I think we all feel the same after all our failed cycles. I too feel less of a woman, but as Audrey said there is always someone here you can talk to... 

Having a crappy day so not much to say, have a better day than me ladies and chin up hard but try! my mom always says "I cried because i had no shoes until i met a man with no legs" i guess there is always someone worse off than us


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## louise36

Thank you for all your replies lovely ladies.  Its a comfort to know that we're not alone (although rubbish what we all have in common!) as amongst my friends I most deffinately am.  On a positive note we've booked our first appointment with a spanish clinic for DE so hopefully we can start to move forward with that option.

We've only told my mum about the DE step, Ive not told my friends about our third failed cycle or the fact that we're going for DE.  People mean well and all that but ive completely shut down that side of things with them.  My friend text me the other night to see if we wanted to go round (shes just had a baby 6 weeks ago) along with our other friend who is 8 months pregnant, so I said thank you but cant face babies/pregnant women at the mo, to which she replied thats a shame - you should see Tom (her baby) hes grown so much, eating so much etc etc. Mmm thanks for that!  I guess though they dont know how bad my situation is and sometimes people dont know what to say, but felt it was still insensitive after id said i couldnt face babies!

Anyway, hope alls well with everyone - gypsy moon good luck for the 5th!

Bg hugs

Lxxxx
p.s stay away from ********! Its the devils work! I have to come off it as it makes me feel bad


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## lisajb

Hello Ladies,

Thought I'd drop you a line your not alone.............well sometimes I think I am.  My second IVF attempt failed yesterday 14 days of waiting having all those symptoms and thinking this is it so I wake up do the test and a big fat negative.  Period is starting to come I just keep asking what have I done wrong two failed attempts one miscarriage I must have done something mega wrong to get punished like this.

Then I read what you ladies are putting and how strong you are I just wish I too could be strong.

I haven't spoke to my hubby since yesterday after the argument I blame myself and start the argument just so I can be punished a little more.

This was my last attempt I really can't go through this again money is one thing and being 40 is another I seeing it all as a false hope.

I'm dreading returning to work I deal with I say people who abuse their kids that take drugs and drink and pop them out like popcorn and for some reason I can handle this especially when they turn to me and say have you got kids? well you've no idea then.

Why is life so unfair?  I know I'll get over this sometime hopefully soon although I say that and sometimes for some strange reason I'll start to think about things and have a cry going to work  or popping out ....when I'm by myself.

I never told my family about my second attempt because they don't understand when I had the miscarriage they never understood they just asked are you better why be so upset its just a period and till this day my dad has never asked how I am.  So I'm sitting here spilling it all out as I can't keep it in anymore.  After the third IVF failed they said oh maybe just just too old just concentrate on your job your job is more important than kids.

I find the only people that will ever understand you if people that have gone through it all, I don't think my hubby even knows what I'm feeling although I don't know how he feels.  Lucky ladies have said to me oh I know how you feel Ive tried to tell them in a nice way you don't you have the luck to find out once you missed your period they haven't got the worst two weeks of their lives to live hoping and praying and once you go to bed thats another day crossed off.

May be you strong ladies can seen me some of your strength to get me through today.

Thanks for listening to me and I hope I haven't depressed you, I am feeling a little sorry for myself but I know there are a lot of other people who are a lot worse of than me and would love to swap places with me please I'm not self centered I'm just a little low.


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## louise36

Oh Lisa, im so so sorry about whats happened and how hard it must be for you doing the job you do.  Im so sorry about your recent cycle, give yourself plenty of time to grieve and have a jolly good cry if you feel like it.  As for people asking about kids....mmm they dont have a clue how personal a question that is do they?? They may as well ask how are your ovaries!

Its absolutely rubbish isnt it but please dont be too hard on yourself.  Youve done absolutely nothing wrong, I do feel your pain as I too have looked for answers and asked what must I have done wrong (maybe in a previous life or something) when Im feeling low.  Ive looked at past relationships and how I left my ex and now he has 2 children and he wanted children with me etc etc.  But the truth is (which is sometimes harder than looking for an answer) its just the way life goes sometimes.  As crap as that is, there is no one to blame, no reasons why, nobodies fault.  We stopped telling people too as i started to feel such a fool that all my friends are pregnant and i felt patronised by them saying "youll prob have triplets" whilst nursing her bump.  It makes me feel inadequate, stupid pride that I cant do something and they can.

Youre right, nobody (apart from us lovely ladies on here) knows how incredibly hard it is, some days it feels impossible and if im honest before i started on this IVF journey I probably didnt get it either.  I remember someone at work adopting a little boy and I just thought ooh how nice.  Never once did it enter my head as to what they had possibly been through. 

I hope you dont mind me asking but have you considered Donor eggs?  I only ask because as youve probably read thats what we're doing.  I know its not for everyone but it could still help you to achieve your dreams.  Have they given you any feedback as to why its not working? I know money is a massive factor, hence we have gone for DE as the sucess is much higher.

I hope you feel stronger in a few days/weeks, it will take time, dont be hard on yourself.  

sending you lots of love and hugs, 

Lxxxxxx


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## lisajb

Thank you for your kind reply, I haven't even got the courage to call the clinic to tell them I just think I'm too angry and too low at the moment (sounds a bit strange but I bet you understand).

I haven't thought about donour eggs I guess it would be worth a mention to my hubby if or when we start speaking again.

When I call the clinic I could have a chat with them.

Thanks for your support 
Lisa XX


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## MrsPootle

Honor - your ** idea ia an awesome one - in fact, today, after getting my 2nd BFN, I feel exactly like saying ".. has had her second BFN and feels like she has lost a part of herself again today"....

GypsyMoon - I remember you from my 1st IVF last year - so pleased you got a BFN and I really hope it goes well for you.

To everyone on this thread - you really aren't alone.  I have had exactly the same feelings, and have felt so depressed after a miscarriage and my 1st IVF failure.  The latter caused me to hate my body - it felt like an awkward lump with arms and legs sticking out. But slowly, I got myself back together.  I ran a half marathon just before I started my second cycle, and my confidence had returned.

So, to find myself back at the end and facing another negative cycle is so tough.  I am concluding with each loss, I will lose myself in a different way.  But, this time, after doing so many times before (and not just for infertility), I can get back to my normal self and I will face people with babies without winching and wishing I could be that lucky.  But I just have to accept it will take some time.

We are all strong people, otherwise we wouldn't be pursuing this process.  Lots of love to you all xxx


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## Sharez

I know how you are all feeling.  We have just had our FET fail.  I just discovered this just over an hour ago.  We have been trying for 5 years with not a glimmer of success.  we have had several rounds of clomid, 3 iuis , 1 icsi, and 1 FET.  I feel like giving up but I just can't imagine my life without children.  Everyone around us is having children and feel so left out.  I feel like I'm broken.  Right now I am stuck at work until 4pm.  I work with young mothers and all I want to do is pick up my stuff, walk out and never come back, but my husband is out of work so I have no choice to stay.  I feel that I have to keep a brave face on for everyone.  We have not told anyone about this treatment.  OUr families still think we have 1 more chance, but I couldn't face all the questions etc.  So now I have to tell my family tonight that I lied and that this treatment (our final treatment) has faliled.  I am calling this our final treatment, becuase there is no way we are going to be able to raise the money for another cycle.  I have looked into the duofertility monitor and about NK cells.  I feel that I need ot cry but when I do I know it willonly be a few tears as as I am all cried out.  Why does it seem that everyoen around me is having children and even people who don't want them or take care them.  I feel like I am being punished for something.  I know I will never be rich, famous, beautiful, talented, but I just want to be able to have this one precious gift and experience in my life.  SOme people have mentioned adoption, but I want to be pregnant.  I want to feel the baby growing inside me.  I just want to die.


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## katie c

sharez   so sorry to read your post. its very quiet here on weekends so dont think noone cares because they do. please talk to your OH about your last sentence and let him comfort you and take care


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## Han72

Sharez hon, please pop back on and talk to us, I'm worried about you sweetie     

xxx


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## Sharez

I feel like I'm going through the motions of day to day life.  I'm at work and doing the things that I need to do, but I don't know what for. My husband feels like we should keep trying, but I'm not so sure. I feel like every month I get my period a piece of my heart dies. Everyone is saying how strong I am when I'm not.  All I want to do is scream, shout, run away.


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## ❣Audrey

Sharez - firstly I am sending masses and masses of hugs.  Nothing anybody can say right now is going to make you feel better.  You're hurting - and it is so painful.  There are so many emotions that you go through.  Everything you are describing is normal.  What you must do is just keep talking.  Failed treatments leave us grieving the same as any loss.  We grieve for what might have been - what we truly wanted.  Life is so unfair sometimes and it is so easy to not be able to see a way forward but I am sure many ladies here will back me up when I say that no matter how bleak it may seem right now, there will be a point in the future where things will be better.  You are strong - think of all that you have been through.  Although you don't feel strong right now because of how you are feeling, you truly are.  It's so easy to try and shut out your husband or partner because you feel so responsible but you are not, and you must must must talk to him.  We are all here for you xxx


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## louise36

Sharez

Ive just read your post and I really hope you are ok and feeling a tiny bit better today.  Its horrid isnt it but as Audrey said things will get better at some time in the future. Our times will come, it just may take a while.  I too have had very sad, dark, unhappy thoughts and my only advice would be try to talk to someone, hopefully your DH if you can.  When Ive had similar thoughts about not being here etc Ive had a sufficient tellig off from DH who reminded me that we have each other and that we will have a child in our lives some time in the future.  We only told my mum about our last failed cycle as I couldnt stand the texts messages of well meaning people saying good luck etc.  It also helped when we got a BFN that we didnt have to hear the disappointment in peoples voices so maybe you did the right thing.

Take your time, accept you are going to feel rubbish but with time you will feel stronger again to decide what to do next.  Take each day as it comes and try to focus on that for now.  Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs 

Zxxxxx


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## Sharez

Thank you for all your kind words. I am feeling a little crazy today.  But I'm so confused in what to do next.  Anyone have any suggestions e.g. Different tests, herbal remedies. We will find it very difficult to raise the money for another ICSi.  I have been thinking about adoption, but I would like a baby, but then is I still miss out on pregnancy which I was really looking forward to. Sending everyone you needs it luck


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## louise36

Hi sharez

Hoping each day gets a little easier, one day at a time for now hey.  Im not sure what your history is but have you considered donor eggs/sperm? I hope you dont mind me asking, we are going down the donor egg route as although DH has low sperm it is my crummy eggs which are letting the side down.  The dr says DH is sufficient enough as he still has around 5 million to go at so youd hope they could find a good one out of that.  We always get very low fertilisation (as in 1 out of  so they summise its egg quality that is the problem.  

I did have accupunture and took DHEA on my last cycle and in a way I got better results as in 8 what appeared to be good eggs, however this was still not good enough and resulted in a BFN so I guess a fail is a fail. 

What im trying to say is that there are still options if you feel they might be right for you, I hope you dont mind as I know donor is not for everyone.  Have the dr suggested any reasons for why things arent working out?  I know money starts to play such a big factor in all of this which is rubbish, do you have NHS cycles as I notice youve only had 1 cycle and 1 FET so IVF could sill work for you?

Sending you lots of love

Zxxxxxxx


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## Sharez

Thanks Z, my doctor has not indicated that we need to use donors.  I had 12 eggs on my last fresh cycle, with 9 fertilizing.  If I needed to use a donor egg I would as I could still be pregnant. I have started a list of question to ask my dr.  I want some more tests done to see why we are not getting pregnant.  I just want answers


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## ❣Audrey

Totally understandable chick.  Hang in there and keep chatting - it might be worth having a look in the investigations section to get an idea of relevant tests.

In the meantime I am sending more hugs xxx


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## Sharez

Thanks I will take a look at that


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## MrsPootle

Sharez - only just popped back on here today - took a bit of a break from it all for a week or so.
Really hope you are feeling better.  Nothing I can say to make up for the disappointment and pain we all share when it doesn't work out, but keep talking to people - it's really important to express your feelings honestly.  Sending you a big hug   xx


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## MrsPootle

Oh and Gypsy Moon - I meant to say congrats on the BFP - not BFN - doh!  Hope you are well xx


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## billabong

Hiya ladies

Just read through some of your posts and wanted to say that I have felt what some of you have. I have found a really good thread with lots of support. You are more than welcome to come on and say hello..We have changed the name to VETERAN BARBIES- No PMA advice required thanks. Maybe see some of you on there?  
xxxxxx


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## Livelife

I'm hoping that by writing this all down it will help- so I'm starting at the beginning.
I got together with DH 6 years ago after we'd both had unhappy marriages. We felt like people seem to feel in the movies- so utterly and hopelessly in love- and still are which is good.
He told me from the start that he'd had the snip and from that moment on I knew I wanted a baby. I had never wanted a baby before this, everyone used to laugh at me knowing I didn't have a maternal bone in my body. But I suppose once you are told you can't have something then you want it.
So anyway he paid a fortune to have reversal less than two years after having original op. It seemed to have worked and I just thought I'd get pregnant. Everyone else I know does. looking back now I was so naive- I didn't even change lifestyle why would i? Thinking of all those drunken one night stand babies that must be out there.
But then the pain and obsession began. Eventually after tests it became clear he was no longer producing sperm and so ICSI with SSR was the only way. That was in Oct 2007. We went into it so confidently thinking why would it fail when there's nothing wrong with me? But it did. I manged to pick myself up quite quickly though because of course it would work next time. We also got our gorgeous dog 4 weeks later as I needed something to love.
2nd cycle was June 2008. Again I did everything right got perfect embies but couldn't hold on to them.
So we had a break, had lots of fun, remembered who we were, got married had lovely hols etc.
And we were ready to go again after a 3 year break. This time I was so calm, I wasn't going to let tx get me down and it didn't. Everything went so much better- DH got better sperm, I got more eggs, better fertilisation and we had only given up drinking for 2 weeks- hence the calm! It was a 3 day transfer this time and we had 2 lovely embies 8 and 9 cell plus 3 frosties- never had frosties before. Everything seemed so good. I actually enjoyed first week of 2ww- I had twinges and even what looked like implantation bleed. OTD was Friday and I'd started with brown blood wed night but even then still thought it would be ok.
I now just feel utterly empty- I feel like I have lost my babies. I really thought it was my time. With tx costing 6k a go I really am having to face the idea that I may never be a mother and it's tearing me apart.
Most of my friends have young children, they make sympathetic noises but they really don't understand. I feel so isolated. Whenever we have girls nights they always talk about kids- what have I got to contribute? 
I should be back at work today but just can't face it. I'm a teacher and can't face standing there in front of 30 teenagers but how long do I stay away? I was off the week before half term for 2ww and should be back today after the holiday. Am I just running away? I don't want to see anyone. My mam has text to say she'll come over but I just want to be on my own in my dark hole.
I just want all of this to go away. to laugh and feel happy but I can't. Everywhere I look there are serene young mothers or pregnant women. I want to be pregnant with my perfect little bump. I want to go to mothercare and choose a pram.
I just feel so sad...
x


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## mango2512

I am at work at the moment but wanted to let you know I have read your post and will reply later on. Massive hugs to you xxxx


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## Anjelissa

malteserslice,

I couldn't read your post and not leave a message. I just wanted to send you a big hug   

You are very right that friends and family who haven't experienced infertility will never really understand, but you know that most of us here on FF will completely relate to how you feel. 
You are not alone   

I hope you achieve your dream and manage to find that place of peace in the meantime,

Luv Anj x


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## cutelittlepumpkin

Just wanted to send you a big big     I still remember my BFNs like they were yesterday and know how dark a place that is! We are all here for you!!   

CLP


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## Nordickat

Oh Malteserslice I'm so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. You are not alone in feeling so sad and we all know how you feel. And I don't think you are running away by not being back at work, nor is it bad that you would rather be alone than have your mum come over. Sometimes we need to grieve by ourselves and lick our very deep wounds in peace. Your grief is too raw to be shared with ithers just yet.

Take the time you need to heal. You will heal though, you did before and you will again, but you can't rush it. One day you will be strong enough to be reunited with your frosties, but until then, there will always be somebody here who understands your heartache and the loneliness that comes with a BFN.

Be kind to yourself, 
 Katxxx


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## MrsIVF

Malteserslice,  
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone with how you feel.     Although it doesn't feel like it now, with time it will not feel so raw.  I'm a teacher too, so know what you feel about going back into the classroom (I've ended up taking a career break).  Give yourself the time you need now and don't worry about the rest.
xx


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## doddyclaire

Malteserslice, I just wanted to echo what the lovely girlies have already said, big sorrys to you, and plenty of hugs, that dark place will get gradually lighter, but please do take all the time you need to grieve for this failed cycle, no matter what some folks say, it is a loss, and you should be allowed to mourn that.



Claire

xx


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## Han72

Christine (Malteser Slice)     

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to merge your thread with an existing one about the feelings we have following a 3rd failure...

Once again I'm so sorry you're going through this honey it stinks and it doesn't seem to get any easier  

Love to all

xxx


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## Sharez

I am so sorry to hear about your loss maltserslice.  we discovered two weeks ago that our FET failed.  It is devasting when you are so sure that it will work.  If you can afford to ttake the time do so.  I work in a mother and baby unit and sometimes my feelings are so gut wretching i feel like pulling my insides out.  Have the indicated why the embryos are not implanting.  I have reading up about NK cells (Dr Alan Beer).  Not sure if he is just a whack job or if there is something to it, but I am planning on checking with my consultant.  You need to grieve for the loss of your child/ren.  I don't care what anyone says it is a baby from the moment they call you to tell they have fertilized.  For those of us who have never experienced pregnancy this is our miscarriage.  Month after month.  I would like to say that it gets better with time, but I am just kidding myself.  I just feel numb most of the time.  I put on a brave face for everyone and myself cos if i break down that will be it.  Come back and vent , cry, scream,  

Here is hoping that all of us geet our dream this year.


Sharez


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## Sharez

has anyone heard anything about the DUofetility monitor


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## mango2512

Malteser Slice, So sorry i couldn't reply earlier, was at work and didn't want to get caught lol.
Your feelings are totally normal hun,Infertility is a major issue for us all,physically and emotionally. I find great support on here, i'm in pretty much the same situation as you, several fails and no-one that truly understands the heartache, FF has really helped me deal with the emotional side of things. I wouldnt of got through everything without it.
I hope you can find some help and comfort on here, there will always be some one to talk to.
I wish you all the best for the future, I hope you can make your dreams come true.
Take care
Love
Mango xxx


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## Sharez

Ok I might be really stupid but what is FF


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## mango2512

Fertility friends xx


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## Sharez

Oh yeah. Duh sorry don't do mornings very well


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## mango2512

Lol, the abbreviations take a while to get your head around. Have a good day xx


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## Livelife

Thank you girls for your lovely messages of support. Sometimes I feel ok then others I just want to shout and scream. I've got a sicknote for the rest of the week but then I'm scared of running away from things and that I'd be better off at work.
Got follow up app for 4th July but all they ever say is that it went well etc but they didn't implant. Are there any tests I could ask for? I've never had any tests as with our prob being obviously male factor they just said that even if there was something wrong with me the putcome would still be ICSI. But now I'm not so sure. I've read on here about people taking other drugs during 2ww to help. What kind of questions should I be asking at follow up? I need next tx to work so badly- I can't go through this again.

x


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## mango2512

Malteserslice, Use the rest of the week to gain a bit more strength, you will have the mixed emotions, hurt,upset,anger for a while but sadly you will just have to roll with it, I dont think ant of us will ever lose them until our long awaited dreams come true.
We are in a very similar situation to you, We also have male factor so never had any tests on me, we are just embarking on our 4th IVF, this will be our last for now if it doesnt work, our next step, should we be unsuccessful is to have tests done on me. From what ive read on here the first step would be level 1 immunes, I tihnk most of these can be done at the Gp, Next would be level 2, think these have to be done privately, also ive heard of NK cell testing (Natural killer cells) I think these are agian private and quite costly, but to be honest I am willing to give anything a go!! I think there may be some info on here, try typing "immunes tests" in the search box.
I hope you can find the strength to pick yourself up and carry on, always around if you want to chat 
xxxx


----------



## louise36

Malteserslice, I just wanted to send you a big hug and lots of love.  Its sooooo hard facing the outside world again after a failed cycle.  I have been in hiding for pretty much the last year, havent seen/spoken to my friends in months as 2 have just had babies and 2 are pregnant and I feel such a fool that im not.  I feel embarased as they all got pregnant easily and some are on 2nd and 3rd babies and well, we're not.  I cant sit there with them and pretend so I dont go.  And I cant face another announcement of someone who knows someone is pregnant etc, so Im officially  lie lo lil.  But then I worry that if this goes on and on (and on) 1 year could quite easily turn into 2 and 3.

So what Im trying to say is its completley normal not to want to face anyone, take your time and each day as it comes.  Its good that youve got another week off work and you have to give yourself time to feel stronger again and you will.  I hope you feel better after a few more days at home, dont give yourself a hard time for being off, work can wait, the most important thing is that you feel ready to go back.

Good luck with everything and I hope you get some answers in a few weeks.

Lots of love

Lxxx


----------



## MrsIVF

Hello ladies,

Malteserslice,  hope each day is getting a bit easier for you, I am glad that you have this time off work to let yourself heal, I used to get really stressed if I was ill and what I would come back to after a week out of the classroom, but it was never as bad as I imaginied as I am sure it will be for you.

The road through -ve cycle is never easy.  I felt like I was starting to get on top of my feelings after what has been a nightmare cycle but feel like I am back at square one again.    We had started down regging in feb and when I went for down-reg scan they found a cyst in my uterous.  Initially they thought it might of been a pregnancy (looked like a 5 week gestational sac and DH and I got really excited)  but did a test at the clinic and it was negative.  had to stop all the drugs and wait for AF, which didn't come so had to have that induced.  At the time I believed what the clinic said about it being a cyst, but since having scoured the internet for cysts in the womb have found nothing on it and should have insisted on a blood test to rule out pregnancy.  Anyhow, after AF had scan and it was no longer there so started up the drugs again and this time got a nice thick womb lining.  On the day of thaw the clinic called to say our embies had not made it, one completely destroyed and the other from 7 cells down to 2.  We had that one transfered back anyway (we did not want it to perish at the clinic - does that make us weird?).  We had a trainee embryologist (would that have made a difference to the thaw?) but the worst thing was the clinics attitude to us about having the transfer - it was unpleasant to say the least...  Obviously we got a bfn (about 3 weeks ago - probably the longest FEt cycle on record).  We cannot afford another cycle until we have saved up so not likely till next year now.  When we had the first round of IVF I had given up work (my maternity cover contract had ended so just did not job hunt again) hoping that I would be more relaxed and this would help the IVF to work.  I now need to job hunt again, but can't really face teaching and not sure what to do as had convinced myself I would be pregnant so would not really matter.  As a result feel totally lost and a bit panicked.  To top it all, just found out that my sister in law has just had a m/c at 12 weeks.  I am obviously devastated for her but have such mixed emotions, every time we have IVF someone announces they are pregnant, but it's not us, after our first round, it was my brother, I now have a beautiful neice, after the first FET, our neighbours (she is due in the next couple of weeks), and now sadly my sister-in-law has had a m/c.  I feel really rubbish about it all and guilty for even being a little bit jealous.

Sorry for such a me post, just needed to get it out of my system because it all feels a bit like a nightmare.


----------



## Livelife

MrsIVF sounds like you have really been through it. You should not in any way feel guilty for how you feel. It's just so crap how around you everyone just seems to get so effortlessly pregnant and have these wonderful lives. Will you go back to teaching?
Yesterday I was just looking around at everyone on a lovely sunny day and just hated everyone (even those without children). I felt like how can everyone be so happy and their lives be going on when I feel like mine is in pieces. I felt like WH Auden in 'Stop all the clocks'!!

Louise I know how you feel about friends. I feel so left behind. I feel like I've got nothing interesting to say to them and I think they probably get bored when I start talking about my dog!

Mango thank you for the advice. i think I will go to GP about immunes. How did you pick yourself up after tx3?

I've had quite a good day today- in that it's 8.30pm and I haven't cried yet- result!! Took dog for a lovely walk this morning and been out for tea with my sister. At least I can drink wine again!!

xx


----------



## Sharez

I knwo how you feel.  It was sitting in the staff room and everyone was talking about their children and showing pictures and I just piped up about my cats.  I feel like I am never gong to have a baby.  It makes me sick to my stomach hearing about the people who abuse, neglect their children. Don't you always find that those people have got loads of kids.  Why are they aloowed all those kids to treat like crap when people like who would shower our kids with love, attention etc get denied. I am going to ask for those immunes tests.  I hate putting on this face to show everyone I am ok when all I want to do is scream and cry.  Luckily I have FF to vent and I have a small support group.  It is important to be able to talk to those that are in the same place.


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## mango2512

Malteserslice, I'm not too sure how I come to terms with it all, I go through the motions of being sad,angry,upset etc... Think the biggest part is time. I try and give myself plenty of it, to grieve really. I try and take each day as it comes until I feel strong enough to start planning ahead again. There is no right or wrong way to do anything on this horrendous journey. Only you can decide when your ready to pick yourself up and move on. Its so hard getting over those feelings and I dont think they totally go, there is always a situation that will bring your feelings to the forefront of your mind again.

Sharez, I too am like you, I talk about my dog!!! Then I think "how stupid am I?" BUt I shouldn;t feel like that, He is and always will be my little baby so why should I feel stupid about talking about him!! One day WE WILL ALL be talking about our real babies, not just our furbabies!!!.
I wont go into the topic of "Badly treated children" I would be on here all day...............................   

Take care all
Love
MAngo xxxx


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## Sharez

Just need somewhere to vent.  Just foudn out that someone else is pregnant with twins.  I have no contact with this person but it just grates on me that someone else is pregnant and i'm not.  I am having a  hard time at work at the moment.  I have to run a Peep (baby) group on Wednesday and then I am running an entire child safety week next week. I just want to scream and run away from all of this.  The only things that is keeping me going at the moment is redecorating our hosue (whoch hard when you don't have a lot of money) and that my brother and his wife will be over in 5 weeks.  I really don't know what else to do.  We have our condultant appointment in a couple of weeks, but I know she is going to say that they don't know why the embryos didn't implant.  I want to ask for more tests, but if they come back all clear then I don't know what the problem is.  I don't feel that I can talk to anyone close to me.  My mom has said I can but because i am so far away from her I don't want her to worry about me.  I can't talk to people at work too mcuh because I don't want them to say that I am unfit for work as we need the money.  I just want some one to give me an answer to WHY.  I eat healthy, don't drink, I am increasing my exercise (it's not too much) and trying to relax. What else can i do?  I work with girls all the time who eat junk food, drink like a fish, smoke, and some so drugs and they get pregnant.  I feel that I am being punished for my wild ways when I was younger.  I feel that if I would have lived differently then maybe I would not be having this trouble.  

Ok i feel a little better now

Thanks


----------



## lollipops

Sharez-

Feeling your pain hun  its so deflating getting slapped in the face! I've just experienced my 3rd failure and if its not one problem its another!
I recently gave up my job.  I like you , worked with mums, the majority teenagers who were not doing the best they could to bring up their children. I had put up with it for 5yrs but it eventually got too much for me, I was struggling to hold my head above water if I'm honest and I was making myself ill. Leaving is the best thing I've done. 
No I'm not well off, it was a tough decision financially but we will manage until I've had my final tx. If it works then great! If not I'll find another job. I am trying to start my own cleaning buisness in the mean time. 
Of course I'm not saying you have to take such drastic measures as its personal to each couple. But I just wanted you to know your not alone in your feelings. Ive been there.
It's horrible to feel the way we do. I hate that I resent pregnant women , i hate that this mess has made me insecure and unable to take the joy out of life like I use to.
I want a baby so much. Even saying the word baby makes my stomach flip! 
I wish and hope that we all get our dreams come true and that this tortuous waiting game ends soon.

Love Lolli x


----------



## Sharez

Thanks for that. I wish I could quit my job, but my hubby is unemployed and can't find a job.  I have been looking around, but can't find anything that pays what I'm getting now which is not much. I just wany the world to swallow me up.  Luckily some of the mothers that I work with are good moms but it doesn't stop me resenting them any less


----------



## prudunce

Hi ladies,sorry to gate crash but i came across ur posts!!
Have u had any immune related tests re ivf not working??
Also thyroid probs are very common and need sorting to get a BFP.
GP can do tests for your Thyroid(get TSH and thyroid antibody tested- ANA & ATA) T3 and T4 i think. GP can also do level 1 immune testing and check for blood clotting probs. All easily fixed with meds!! Steroids and clexane(to name a few) are very simple drugs that can/do help if you have an immune prob,again...your GP will prob PX you these meds if you have been to see a specialist who says you need these meds??
OR go and see an immune specialist private..may cost u £100-£200 BUT well worth it!!!
I just feel alot of ladies dont know about some probs related to failed ivf and some clinics dont suggest further testing. I have found out sooo much info on here .  It doesn't have to cost a fortune if you have just the basic tests done!!!
Any questions re immunes/thyroid testing...look at posts on here!! U never know.. it cud be something sooo simple stopping things working for you.
Best of luck,never give up and stay positivex


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## Sharez

Thanks for that info prudence.  I'm going to take that info along to my consultant appt next time. I just hope they can find something. Ran my baby group, yesterday. Went ok had a few girls in there who all intereacted with their children. I didn't run out of the room nearly in tears.


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## Livelife

Sharez you are so brave running your group.

Prudunce thanks for that info- I am seeing GP on Friday.

Lolli- bloody crap isn't it. I just can't be happy for pregnant people at min- hard as a friend/colleague is pregnant too and didn't even make reference to fact I'd been off work 3 weeks. I know she prob feels awkward but I think her ignoring it is really crap.

x


----------



## Stelbud

Hey, mind if I join?

Just found out my third IVF was another chem pregnancy   I had the same with my first one. I feel such a failure because it felt different this time and I tested a day early and got a BFP so allowed myself to believe. Now I'm having to face facts that I might not have a biological child. There is obviously something wrong that is stopping the embryo fully implanting but I think they won't do tests for miscarriages until the 3rd miscarriage and actually I don't even know if a chem pregnancy is classed as a miscarriage?

I feel like I have let down my fantastic husband because the problem is with me not him. After a lap and dye earlier this year they discovered by left ovary is fused to my bowel and my insides were described as 'very complicated'. IVF is and was my only hope.

I've exhausted my funded attempts and I don't think I could bear to fork out for a private cycle and get either a BFN or another chem pregnancy. Malteserslice - I'm also at CFL and I don't think they do much testing other than the basic tests. I know when I have my follow up I'll be told that it was just down to chance.

I think I'll have a chat with them about DE for what it's worth, I would so love to give DH a child but we are already talking about adoption, although I know I have to wait 6 months before proceeding. I just don't see my life without kids.

I'm embarrassed about seeing people because I don't want to admit I've failed as a woman. I don't want the false sympathy, unless you've been through it I don't think you can even begin to understand.

How did it go at the Drs Maltererslice?

Anyway I'm glad (and sad) that I've found this thread and I hope we can support each other.

Big   to you all.

Stelbud xx


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## louise36

Hey Stelbud

So sorry to hear about cycle number 3, how devastating to have a BFP, im really sorry it didnt work out.  Maybe they can shed some light on things at your consultation and although its early days its good that youre considering other options. Take it easy for a bit (you know all this already I guess, as like you Ive had 3 failed cycles).  You havent let anyone down, do not think that, its very sad and unfortunate for all of us on here but none of it is anyones fault, its just the way it is, no reasons why, nobodys letting anyone down, we are I guess just plain old unlucky.  I have looked for anwers and reasons why and at the end of the day there arent any, my body just isnt doing what it should, mother nature is a witch.

Ive felt (and still do) exactly the same when you say youre embarased at seeing people, we were quite open when we started trying and told all our friends and families so I too feel embarased that pretty much (actually probably all) all of the those people now have had a child or are pregnant and I feel like such a fool which makes me want to hide away and not face anoyone.  I know for a fact that one or two of those people have absolulty NO idea about the pain/stress/sadness that infertility brings, I know because they wouldnt have said some of the comments that they have made.

I dont want their sympathy either as it makes me feel patronised when people say how awful it must be for us and they dont know how we cope.  Mmm two choices basically as in give up or dont! One friend asked me if I was depressed (no) and what was I doing with all my time (ive not been seeing my friends much at all as theyre all pregnant), so answered the same as everyone one else, I go to work, we have tea we go to bed! Sometimes we even go out!  I dont sit in and rock if thats what she meant!  

We had the same dilema after our third failed cycle with regards to both money and emotions.  I dont think I could put myself through another cycle with such low chances of success (less than10%) and well to say money is tight is an understatement, it would be more accurate to say we havent got any!  My mum is helping us and weve decided upon the DE route in the hope it can offer us a far better chance.  Im sure you will but ask lots of questions at your consultation, did you get many eggs, good fertilisation rates etc? If you did could be immunes?

I hope youre feeling OK, please dont give yourself a hard time, you havent let anyone down so dont think that for 1 second, you did your best, it is pretty much out of our hands once we start this journey.

Take care

Lou xxx


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## Stelbud

Thanks so much for the response Lou.

Like you I made the mistake of telling friends that we were trying for a family and now I have to face up to telling them that it'll never happen for us. It will be harder telling some over others and I can already see which ones are going to put their foot  in it. I can totally understand how Sharez was feeling when she said she wanted to die. Of course I would never do that but I do just want the world to go away for a little while.

Tomorrow I have to go to the clinic for a repeat blood test, to make sure the pregnancy is going/gone and I'm absolutely dreading it. I didn't think about it at the time but I wish I'd asked if I could go to my own doctors, the thought of going to the clinic and getting the sympathy from the Nurses is making me feel sick. I suppose I could go to the doctors but I don't know when I'd get an appointment and when I would get my results and I guess it just means dragging out the whole process. 

I also don't know what to do about work. There are only a small handful of people at work that know about the IVF and actually I hadn't told anyone we were cycling again. I really feel like it would be good for me to get signed off work for a couple of weeks to pull myself round (have never been signed off sick in my life) but the problem is it's a small company and everyone knows me so if I took the time off I'd have a lot of explaining/answering questions to do and I guess it would be just nice to have at least one place where people don't know I'm barren!

Actually as if this thing wasn't hard enough, I'm shortly to go on secondment - guess what covering maternity leave! So I'm spending large amounts of my time shadowing a pregnant person. I think if nothing else I will have to tell her what's gone on, I know she won't tell anyone else, and she's a pretty decent and sensitive person. It is going to be so hard though.

That's great that you Mum is helping you out Lou. I really hope the DE works for you. I'd love the clinic to find a solution for us but I don't think they will. So far my figures have been:

Cycle 1 - 8 eggs, 6 fertilised, 2 embies put back (1 x top quality, 1 x good quality) No frosties. HCG result 29 (should have been over 50)
Cycle 2 - 7 eggs, 4 fertilised, 2 embies put back (2 x top quality) No frosties. BFN
Cycle 3 - 5 eggs, 3 fertilised, 2 embies put back (1 x good quality, 1 x reasonable quality) HCG result was 43.

As you can see the number of eggs has been getting less on each attempt which I also think doesn't help. By the way I'm 35.

Anyway, thanks again for your support. Everyone on this thread sounds lovely, I don't know why bad things happen to nice people.

Stelbud xx


----------



## Stelbud

Just been on to ******** and my cousin's wife has just announced she's pregnant again. I'm so fed up!!!


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## mango2512

Hiya Stelbud and Lou

I have been reading your posts and wanted to send you both    .
I am just embarking on IVF#4. I have been feeling pretty pants about it all over the past few weeks, All my other cycles I just plodded along and got on with it. This time feels really different. I've always had the "Why us", "Whats wrong with me" etc but everything seems so much worse this time. Most of my cycles before we have told the family amd a few close friends in hope the support would make things easier but we decided this time that we wouldnt as its just added pressure, texts all the time asking how im feeling etc, its nice to know they care but it gets too much. Only my work collegue (also a shareholder) knows about the Tx, I work with mainly men and sympathy from them is worse than anything, My boss did know about the ectopic and I found it strange going back to work and getting "The look" from him. He doesnt know the ins and outs of it all though.
Unfortunately I had a kidney infection just over a week ago and ended up in hospital for 2 days, Tx was put on hold for a week, had to continue down regging and a few family memebers were there when I had to have my sniff and are now aware of our Tx, I have blagged it a bit to give us more time, Told them there is no end result until end of August, it means if (WHEN) we get a BFP we can have our first scan before anyone starts asking questions.
I think somewhere in my "Fuzzy head" my brain is trying to detach itself from this cycle. I think its a coping mechanism. Im so scared of this not working, I dont know if I can cope with anymore heartache, disappoinment,tears,fears...... and im most scared of getting a positive and it being taken away from me again.
Im am trying so hard to stay positive but my mind keeps pushing it away so that if it is not good news I wont be so hurt but I know deep down it will be heartache all over again.
Sorry ladies, im rambling on and on again.... Just trying to straighten my head out a bit.
Wishing you luck whatever path you choose to take, I hope all your hopes and dreams come true.
Love
Mango xxx


----------



## Stelbud

Good luck with your 4th attempt Mango. I can understand how you must be feeling, I guess all you can do is remember that if this works all of your pain, anxiety etc. will be worth it. You're on the journey now and please know that we will support you in any way we can.

I really hope and pray that this is your turn, no-one should have to go through what we all have to go through. I'm so sorry to hear about your kidney infection, sounds like you are having a right time of it.

I think I'm now of the view that the power of positive thinking doesn't really work and that the attempt is either going to work or it isn't. Spending the whole time worrying about it though won't make the outcome any easier to deal with (as I know from experience) so I guess the best thing is to keep busy and try and get on with life as much as you can.

Thinking of you (and rooting for you!!)

S xx


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## Sharez

Sorry I have a sutuation. I have had a killer lower back ache for about a week now.  My period was due thursday and still nothing.  I went to my reflexologist on friday and usually my repro organs hurt when I'm due, but nothing.  I don't want to test cos its probably my body messing with my head.  I don't know what to do.


----------



## Stelbud

If I were you I would test. I know it will be heartbreaking if its another BFN but at least you'll know.

Have you not had this before?

Good luck!


----------



## Sharez

I did when we were first trying. But my periods were all over the place.  I was told that I had pcos and was prescribed metformin which regulated my periods. I normally have a 32 day cycle. This is the latest I've been for over a year. Also I wanted to say that I've read the previous posts. And I totally understand when your body doesn't do what you want you feel like a failure.  I can't imagine my life without ever being pregnant and having children.  My mind is slowly opening up to the idea of adoption, but nowhere near making that decision.stalbad don't talk to your cousin til your ready. My cousin gave birth last september and every few weeks she bombards ******** with photos of him at different stages. Ex 23-31 weeks. I could just scream


----------



## Stelbud

Thanks Sharez, hope you get an answer soon x


----------



## Han72

Hi all

Sharez hon, it could just be the stress messing with your AF cos you're clearly upset right now     . On the other hand the only way to ensure that you're not feeling hormonal due to pregnancy is to test...    Yes as has already been said, it's heartbreaking to see a negative on a pee stick but surely anything is better than this limbo

I really would strongly suggest buying a good quality test - First Response Early Result is best IMO just to rule it out (or in!   ) and if it's -ive and AF still hasn't shown her ugly face in a couple of days then ask your gynie to take a look and ensure the pcos meds are still working as they should

Love and     to all

xxx


----------



## Sharez

Thanks for all the advice.  AF reared her ugly head today.  It is only light at the moment, but it will get worse.  I knew it wasa highly unlikely that I was pregnant but there was part of me that hoped it had happened.  We've been trying for over 5 years so the chances of it happening on our own are very slim, but you always hope.  Well guess I really have to talk to my consultant on thursday.


----------



## Han72

Bummocks   Sorry hon     

xxx


----------



## Guest

Hi everyone,

Not sure why I am posting really; just feel very alone at the mo. We have just had our third unsuccessful cycle (1st was cx and 2nd only had one egg, 3rd was better, with 12 follicles, 6 eggs, but only 3 mature, 2 fertilised). Although my age (42) and very low amh are totally against us, my response this time made us more hopeful and we are both utterly devastated and are hiding under the duvet. I know so may people on here have gone through the same - and much more - and I wonder how anyone found the strength to continue. I only found my DH less than 2 years ago and it seems so unfair that age is so against us  

Sorry for miserable post. DH back at work today and too much time on my hands I guess. Not sure where we go from here; follow-up is not til mid August

Jen xxxx


----------



## ekitten1

Jen -    I am sorry to hear about your BFN. I want to give you a big hug and say you will be ok.....but in reality, IT SUCKS doesn't it!! It is really unfair and I know exactly how you feel.


My first cycle didn't work and I was devastated, that was back in April and to be honest, I still cry about it. Don't worry if it takes you some time to get over it, just take things at your own pace.


I am due EC tomorrow for tx 2 but it's not looking good as with low AMH myself too, I have only 2 follicles.....I am devastated but try to hold onto some sliver of hope.


I hope your follow up gives you some hope or positive way forward for next time. Sounds like you have a wonderful understanding DH, be there for each other and you will get through this.


Take care and as I say, do things at your pace for as long as you need.


xxxx


----------



## louise36

Hi Jen42

So sorry about your recent BFN, its rubbish isnt it.  We too have had 3 failed cycles and to be honest Im still hiding under my duvet!  My social life is non existant as I cant face my friends (4 just had babies all in the last 3 months) and I cant face seeing any random people from school etc in case they ask the dreaded "are you having kids" question.  

Im doing the day to day bits but then its back under the duvet for me.  We see family and ive had the odd coffee with my new mum friends but its very much on my terms (all about me Im afraid).

We too had our most promising cycle on our last one but unfortunately it didnt work, and although Im 36 my amh is probably lower than when it was measured in 2009 (3.2).

I think its a day to day thing and you will have OK days and then not so OK days, try to take it a step at a time i.e consultation first, see what they say and what they advise for your next step.  I struggled with this as Id be overcome with panic sometimes at things not working and what would we do next etc when in fact we'd not had the consultation yet.  Easier said than done I know.  The follow up will soon come round and hopefully you will get some ideas/recommendations then.

Ekitten1 - How did you get on?? OK I hope!

Good luck to you both

Lxxxxxxxx


----------



## ekitten1

Hi Louise,


I totally understand that hiding under the duvet feeling. It does become hard to live a 'normal' life when everywhere there are reminders of our struggles.


It doesn't look good for me, we did get 6 eggs yesterday but today we have only one fertilize....this weekend is unbearable....waiting for the call on Monday morning to find out if there's anything to transfer. I am heartbroken, I really need a miracle now   


Jen - there was quite a difference on your 3rd cycle with the number of follicles you had....did you change protocol/drugs etc?


  I hate this rollercoaster


----------



## jack12

we will get there someday, we have got to have faith. sending you lots of love xx


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## reb363

thinking of you.  Do keep believing, you will get there xxx


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## ekitten1

Well, tonight I am believing....how can I not with so many ladies on FF willing my precious embie on.


It ain't over yet


----------



## Guest

Jack12 and reb 363, thank you so much for your lovely messages. I am so touched that people are there, understand, and care. I am doing a bit better today; am out of pyjamas   and have cleaned the house, which was beginning to look like a squat!  

ekitten- I have so been where you are; having one (fertilised) egg is a huge pressure. We had just one precious egg 2nd time round and it was a nail-biting few days when we waited to see whether it would fertilise and stay with us   Hang in there - so far that is one fighting embie you have! Fingers crossed that all will be well Monday and it'll be a really sticky bean     I am really grateful that you have made time to post, even with so much going on for you. It means an awful lot right now. I did change protocols and moved to a flare protocol 3rd time round, which I responded better to. The only other thing I did was 3 months of DHEA. Although my follow up is not til August, I had an email exchange with my consultant (who is lovely) and he feels that - given my age and amh (1.7)- I only have a 3-4% chance of success with OEIVF    He had sort of broached the subject of DE IVF at our follow-up earlier in the year, so when he emailed to say that would be my best option I wasn't surprised; just sad   That said, it wasn't a complete surprise and we have probably got to the stage when we are accepting of the fact my eggs have just got too few and too old   For us, to carry on trying to have a family - however that happens- is what's most important)

Louise- yes, it definitely is totally rubbish! I am so sorry to hear that you've also had 3 failed cycles; I wouldn't want anyone else to go through something so awful, but I am still - selfishly- glad that there are people out there who understand. What is your plan, or are you still thinking things through? I think you are absolutely right to take a 'you' centred approach to things just now! If not now, then when?    My DH went off to a friend's bbq this pm, but I just couldn't face the babies/toddlers/pregnancy chat   Makes me feel a bit bitter and grumpy, but actually I am not begrudging of other people's happiness, just very much grieving for what I don't have   I think it's perfectly ok for us to not want to expose ourselves to more pain. IVF is not in any way an easy process - in my book you have to be tough as to do IVF 

Anyway, DH back from bbq and me on the   Going to forgive myself this evening! 

Thanks everyone and good luck  

Jen


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## MoxieMommy

Hi Girls

It's been awhile since I was on here and now I'm feeling very lonely....(was on LIT and immune treads before) I can relate to a lot that you are saying on this tread. I'm sorry that you too have this pain.   

We've been trying for a baby since 2004.   Sad to type that. I've gotten to the point that it just isn't worth having friends that have kids. I just don't bother with them anymore. To other's that makes me selfish but my feelings are never a concern so I get tired of being overlooked and by now they just want me to quite so they don't have to hear about it. Even my mother and brother have stopped asking. My DH is hanging in their but sometimes i think it is only because he's afraid things will be worse with me if we give up. I really feel alone and foolish in this journey.

But on a side note...I too did dheas for 3 months on my last attempt and had much better eggs and more of them. I really think that helped. Now I'm sure it is my implanting. Do you have any advice for implanting? 

Much love   
Moxie


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## ekitten1

Hi ladies,


Jen - I hope that today is a better day for you. I hope the wine was 'refreshing'....boy! What happened to the weekends when we could enjoy a nice bottle of wine without feeling guilty at every sip? The DHEA certainly sounds an interesting concept, more and more ladies are raving about it, so I will be looking into it if this cycle doesn't work. What am I saying? Of course my little embie is going to make it to transfer   .


Moxie - I know exactly what you mean about distancing yourself from others with babies. I drifted away from my best friend when she had her son 3 years ago and we never really got our friendship back to where it was, we are more aquaintences now   . She struggled to conceive her son due to PCOS but did conceive naturally, so she doesn't understand the IVF and just says it will work out one day...like failing a driving test!! I don't know much about implantation issues I am sorry, it is something I will discuss with my consultant if I get to transfer this time and it doesn't work out.


AFM - I feel a bit better today, trying to think positive thoughts for my embie so he/she divides perfectly for tomorrow. The last 24 hours have been tough but DP has been wonderful and was straight by my side with hugs everytime I broke down. I think it has hit him harder this time than last and he is determined that even though we said we would have 4 rounds and then thats it, we will continue if we have to. Hopefully we don't need anymore treatment.....


........My darling little embie......GROW for Mummy and Daddy, we are waiting for you


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## Guest

Moxie-  it's so good to talk to others who understand the 'friends with children' issue, but really tough that your family no longer ask about your journey    Infertility and treatment can make you feel very isolated at times.

Having opted out of the bbq yesterday, I heard from my DH all about the couples with babies and toddlers that were there and I just know I could not have managed it. Right now I don't want to hear who is planning their next pregnancy or how much someone else's baby weighs   It's not that I am not pleased for them, it's just too painful. If that makes me (us) a bit selfish then so be it. I think we all have to struggle through this as best we can. 

Not sure I've got any advice for implantation, except that I suspect most of it is just down to the right embie being in the right place at the right time with good hormones   Over the last couple of years I have read so much conflicting stuff- carry on as normal, put your feet up, drink pineapple juice/milk, stay off caffeine and alcohol, go to work, take time off......I guess I feel that people who get pregnant naturally are probably not doing anything all that special, so maybe we need to do the things that work for us. If we do another round (OE or DE) one thing  I am NOT doing is going to my MIL's on the day of ET (she is absolutely vile to me and I'm sure the stress didn't help on the second cycle   ). I will probably take a few days to do not very much and I definitely think the: vitamins/drink lots of fluids/get lots of protein/no alcohol (my consultant says that one study reported that women who drank even 'moderate' amounts took twice as long to conceive as those who didn't) advice is worth following. Other than that we just have to keep our fingers crossed and stand in the way of lots of babydust  

ekitten - glad you're doing better today; so am I   Didn't feel too clever this morning, as I woke up with a self-induced headache, but as I won't be cycling (if at all) for a couple of months I am not going to beat myself up about it!   All you can do today is hang in there and keep positive; there is every chance that your lovely embie is doing just fine. Please let us know when you can tomorrow. Will be thinking of you and your DP and sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts      

Jen xx


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## louise36

Hello Ladies

Its been lovely to share our stories (even though its over something very sad) and to know we're not alone as Im sure you all feel like me i.e very alone amongst friends with children.  I too have felt foolish moxiemommy as all my friends got pregnant easily and we're all the same age so im left feeling inadequate and slightly ashamed at our failure to do so.  I feel like that woman that people whisper about saying how awful it must be for us and how do we cope.  My friendships have taken a battering too and I dont know whether some will ever be the same but I cant even begin to think that they may feel bad about not seeing me as my pain is far far greater as they have their babies and I dont.  I think we have to put ourselves first in this whole horrid situation and if we shouldnt put oursleves in situations that will make us feel worse.  We feel bad enough as it is!

Jen im glad you have managed a few jobs around the house and enjoyed some vino.  I dont blame you for not going to the BBQ, Ive avoided pretty much any friends social events for about a year now and i think theyve accepted that i prob wont go anymore.  We are off to Spain in 3 weeks for our first consultation for DE so we're very much on that road now.  Like you, we were given less than 10% chance with my eggs  and we too had to look at our best chance at starting a family and how we could get there.  Its been on the cards since our first failed cycle back in 2009 so like you I was very sad but have over time come to accept and embrace DE.  

Moxie im sorry I dont know anything about implantation issues either but I have a friend on here who had chicago tests and they are now trying different meds etc for her next cycle.  Im sorry you feel like no one asks about things - this has happened to me too but I dont really want them to ask anymore as I feel embarased that my most personal bits arent working properly and also because we are doing DE I dont want everyone to know.  You have the support of your DH which at the end of the day thats the most important person.


EKitten - good luck good luck good luck!!! You just never know, this little could be the one....Sending you lots of love and luck


Louxxxxxxxxxx


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