# First ICSI cycle failure, losing friends and jealousy



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi all,

DH and I have just been through our first ICSI cycle, and we found out on Wednesday that it failed. (Bleeding before OTD). I went to work today, had a cry first thing, pulled myself together, then an hour later one of the ladies from our work who is on maternity leave came in with her newborn baby girl, 4 weeks old. She came into my office and started offering her up for cuddles - I managed to make an excuse and went and hid in the loo and cried. When I went back into my office, she was gone - my boss had a cry with me, then sent me home.

I have updated all those people who knew we were having treatment, and, to be honest, I am struggling at the moment to come to terms with the failure. I understand that it is rare for a first cycle to be successful, but we were so lucky to get to transfer (the nurses thought we might not even make egg collection) that I just thought we'd be one of the lucky couples.

What I am struggling with is dealing with my two closest friends - J and C. I emailed them to let them know what happened, and explained how I was feeling. (Won't repeat that here because I know you all understand  ) J had a baby boy at the end of December, C is due to have her baby in 4 weeks time. J replied to me and said, amongst all the other things people say at this time, that she "knew how I felt".

Oh. My. God.

It is taking all my self control not to phone her up and say "Really,_ really_, you_ know_ how I feel? You know how I feel to have remortgaged our home to the maximum limit in order to have three attempts at treatment, one of which has just failed? You know how I feel about being denied NHS treatment because my DH already has children? You know how it feels to have a low egg reserve and have nurses talk to you about having to use a donor? You know how I feel when DH's children visit and all I can think is that I can never be a mother as naturally as his ex wife was to him? You know how I feel when shopping in Sainsbury's and they announce over the tannoy that if you spend over £50 you can have a free pack of nappies? You know how I feel staring at a pregnancy test knowing that DH did this before with another woman and it was positive? You know how I feel when I realise I might be a step-grandmother without being a mother? You know how I feel when you tell me how exasperating and tiring it can be being a mother? You know how I feel when you and C talk about pregnancy symptoms and you are offering her tips on life with a new baby? You know how I feel? You think all this when you cuddle your son? When you rock him to sleep, feed him, soothe his crying, show him off to your family? You _know_ how I feel, do you?"

Now, I must say that J has suffered three miscarriages over ten years, and so I know she understands the want for a child.

What's stopping me from voicing all that though is the knowledge that nothing she said was meant to hurt, and that at the moment I am just lashing out and trying to hurt people as much as I hurt.  I know I am being mean to her because otherwise I will attack DH over my jealousy that he has done all this before, naturally, and I just cannot shake the feeling that if this never works it won't be as bad for him because he already has children.

At the moment, I feel incredibly jealous and resentful of DH's past, and I am scared that I am going to push my two best friends away, all because of infertility.

I hate the person that infertility is turning me into.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Clairerianne 

So sorry to read this    Please remember that at the moment everything is just so raw.  You've had a long time of frustration and disappointment with endless investigations and drugs when all the time there is a steady stream of friends announcing their pregnancies to the world, then you start your cycle and you have hope, for the first time in ages.  You don't want to dream too much but it's hard, your lifestyle changes so much for the cycle and technically for 2 weeks you are pregnant then bang, it not only hurts that you've lost that chance of parenthood but also all those IF feelings from before reappear.

People don't know what to say, they don't understand the emotional roller coaster you have been through and they don't know how you feel but they feel they have to say something and end up saying something insensitive.

Be gentle on yourself,  it is too raw to think straight at the moment.  Cry, rant and don't be scared to ask for hugs.  

Take care (wish there was more I could say)

Dory
xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hello

Had to reply as my situation is scarily similar, so sorry to hear about your cycle 

-Terrible egg reserve
-First icsi failed as bled before otd
-2 pregnant staff members who work for me, 1 had a miscarriage, she caught 4 times -first time every time, 1 loss, 1 8 year old, 1 abortion and 1 pg now. She told me she knew how it felt its like she thought we were in this little club together, and to say she knew how I felt she hasn't stopped flaunting it since this pregnancy 
-DP has a child to his ex and it kills me, she is 16 years older than me with 3 kids to diff men, I feel so much resentment inside its killing me, I know I shouldn't, he travels at weekends to see her and I just feel bitter an angry and infertile

So.... I know how you feel  


We start donor icsi next week so hopefully things might change x


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## Leftleg (Oct 30, 2011)

Hi, 

Don't be hard on yourself, you're bound to be feeling a whole load of difficult emotions at this point. I think my first failure hit me the hardest as you have such high hopes. I've learned that lots of people say really insensitive and hurtful things but as you say it's not meant to hurt, they just don't understand. I try hard to tune out people's comments now as they have no idea what we're going through and never will. Be hopeful and try to think positively about the future. I know it's so hard though believe me. Big hugs xx


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your support  

Infertility, eh? I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

DH and I have been talking and I think it has just hit home for him what not having a child for me means. He said he was thinking what to say when he tells his mum and dad this cycle failed and his mum will come out with the inevitable "(insert average IVF-related comment here regarding trying naturally/being happy without children)". He said that not having a child when you want one is a momentous thing. You're not just not having a baby - you're not having a child, and all the experiences and memories of highs and lows that brings, you're not going to be a mother of the bride/groom, you're not going to be a grandmother. And all this while your friends are happily popping babies out.

Remember when at school, the teacher would get you to explain what you'd been reading or studying to a classmate to help you learn it better? I think having to explain to someone else has really made DH realise what's going on. 

Things are slowly getting better, and a smidge of hope is creeping back, ready for when we can try again.

Wishing everyone here all the luck in the world for treatment and sticky beans


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi clairerianne am glad that DH is getting his head around this, I know how important it is for us to know that our partners (especially the ones who already have children) are with us on this. I wanted to thank you for managing to sum things up so succinctly; you've managed to express literally everything I've been thinking and feeling. I've had very similar experiences to both you and Lily83 and have a boss who's actually said she 'knows' how I feel as it took her 'a little while' to naturally conceive her second child (try 16 years pretty much!!) and, when I felt nigh on suicidal when my whole NHS IVF journey came to an end, actually compared this to how her alcoholic partner feels! Now, I know alcoholism is a disease but I kind of consider that at some point there's an element of freewill involved! Honestly!

On a more positive note though I've had the devastating news this week that my colleague is expecting again without trying but have been really touched by her sensitivity. She fully acknowledged everything I've been going through and has laboured over how and when to tell me. Kind of makes me feel guilty that my experience has taken away some of her joy and I wish I could do what I want and just get over this and get on with it without falling pieces the minute someone even mentions the word pregnancy. Think that's a long time off though!  xx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Missmayhem

It's so tough when you have to face it at work isn't it? It was always my safe haven, never had anyone pregnant in my team, when I had my failed ivf last year I had given a job to a friend, she announced her pg on 1st day, she did lose it which I know must of been really tough for her so I thought that might of helped her see how it was for me, 1st time she was telling me where she hid pg test to surprise DP, how he was treating her like a princess etc etc, second time she caught again first month and went round my whole team showing her 5wk scan pic, she text telling me the news and put 'hope treatment works for you soon!' When I had just been told about the menopause diagnosis and couldn't used eggs. 

Couple of months later take another new girl on, she is young, must of just caught before she started and announced 6 week pg with scan pics all over **! It's been so tough, I had to do their risk assents whilst they sat in front of me telling me how tough it was and how they needed me to do their fetching and carrying and how ones partner 'demanded' she have a sit down break every 2 hours

Partners currently in another town where he travels to see his DD, can't help feeling so isolated, he missed loads of ivf appts and otd last time

You think you will be cycling again soon? What's the plan? X


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Really feel for you Lily83   that sounds so hard. I work with families who appear to bang babies out left, right and centre but, fortunately, I've had a lot of teenagers lately. When I'm in the office lately I can't even stand to hear a mention of it so my headphones are generally in until I've done my paperwork and then I'm outta there. Not quite sure how  I'll cope with my colleague, she has two already and is a lovely person and a great mother so I don't begrudge her but just looking at her hurts now that I know. Sounds like you have to deal with a lot more than me and it's to your credit that you're managing to remain professional. We here though really can imagine your pain though and only wish there was a miracle out there for you. 

DH not being there for you during those times sounds so hard. My own was terrible during treatment (not deliberately) so I know how hard it is; we're so vulnerable during those times and need them so much and they just don't get it much of the time. When I'm in the middle of feeling it I can't be objective (& things have got really bad in past and even more recently) but when I'm where I am today I remind myself that if he wasn't the way he is as a father I would never have married him in first place. I would imagine you would be similar, if he didn't prioritise his DD you may never have been so attracted to him BUT sometimes, just sometimes, we need to be prioritised huh. This place has been the one thing that's held me together when I got so lonely so let me and everybody else here know if you need to talk. 

We're having a break after last failure and trying naturally with the aid of alternative therapies and a trillion vitamins and supplements. If it makes  no difference will be going private asap. How about you what are your plans? Feel free to inbox if you would prefer. I can't see your signature so can't see what you've done so far but from your post you've maybe recently been told menopause may be approaching. I hope you've not had too many people minimise that for you; happens so often, the 'just' word - why don't you 'just' foster/adopt, why don't you 'just' use donor egg/sperm, why don't you 'just' focus on what you do have instead of what you don't - sometimes I 'just' feel like saying tell you what why don't you 'just' eff off!!   Hope you're ok and clairerianne too.xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello lovely ladies. 

Claire, I just wanted to say that your post brought tears to my eyes.  What your DH said was the most wonderful and supportive reaction in the world.  I am so jealous!  I think that 90% of all of our rows are about the fact that my DH just doesn't grasp what a lifelong situation infertility is.  

I've not felt this angry, lost & isolated in years, my DH has struggled to be there at all for me too yet he can bend over backwards for his children and remembers every single one of their important dates.  And he absolutely should, I would never want him not to, but I just want him to do the same for us too  .  I need to start our FET this week and I haven't even told DH that I've started yet because we've had an appalling weekend when he just absorbed into his children to avoid me.

Sometimes I think that this is just too hard   , I shouldn't but I do wonder what life would have been like if ....


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

I found out this morning that our first ICSI cycle has failed... greeted by a harsh slap in the face, in the form of my period. So I joined this site immediately. What a relief to read stories of people expressing feelings which for so long I have tried to hide or felt ashamed to be feeling. I will admit that I can't cope when my colleague bangs on all day about how hard motherhood is, how tired she is, how lucky i am to not be up all night, not be broke all the time and able to take holidays. I'm about ready to snap with her. She saw me looking on a holiday website the other day (we've just been away and have another hol booked next month, we decided to treat ourselves this year) and she said to me very loudly "oh you're not booking another holiday are you? pah wait until you have a child, you won't be doing that!" She questioned me regularly throughout my ICSI treatment; "how do the drugs make you feel?", "how do they do the scans?", even down to "which end do you put your pessaries into" !!! And when I respond in an ever positive way, "well they make me feel sick, tired, irrational...but it's fine, all for a good cause" she'll rub in a good old dose of her usual salt in my wounds with a comment like "oh yeah, just like how I felt when I was pregnant"..........Right now, I want to leave my job that I love so much because of this woman!

I feel jealous when I see a pregnant woman recently. Before when I've seen cute little babies I've always felt "awww how lovely, can't wait until thats me". I've tried for so many years not to let the infertile beast get the better of me. Now that I've got a failed cycle, I already feel angry and resentful towards anyone with a child! how will i deal with that ongoing?!

Truth is, anyone who hasn't lived with infertility doesn't understand infertility. Fact. 

My mother thankfully says all the right things, never tells me to "relax and it will happen" and although she is super positive, she says its ok to grieve, cry, feel rubbish for a while. My mother in law is the opposite, her helpful words of advice were "sometimes some people just aren't supposed to be parents and you have to accept it rather than drive yourself mad with ivf"... 

This is only my first cycle I know, so i have a lot more to face yet but we've been trying for 5yrs and this already feels so devastating. I am dreading my friends getting pregnant (currently 3 couples trying) and dreading hanging out with my best friends and their cute baby, WhoM i usually adore being around. Now it just feels.....too hard.


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi lydiadanni, am so sorry to hear about your failed ICSI. I think amidst everyone telling us to 'be positive' we try to remain realistic and prepare ourselves for the odds of it not working but it makes no difference, the devastation still hits with unimaginable force. I'm glad you found fertilityfriends because managing  these feelings alone can make you think you're losing it. I tend to avoid coming on here when things are good but use it when I feel like I'm going under, everybody here is so kind and caring, it can help keep you afloat! Other times though it can get so bad for me that I can't reach out even on here, I just function for work and that's about it. The woman in work with you sounds like one of life's unfortunates  who is graced with neither social grace, self awareness nor empathy. Do you have access to counselling through your employer or clinic to help you through because she sounds like a nightmare. Sending big   to you in the meantime, wish I could help make it better for you but am still trying to find out how that works myself! Hope you're ok.xx


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