# Ignorant work colleagues



## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Sorry I have to rant, I was told by someone at work today that's its about time I 'got over it' and moved on. This is because I didn't want to be involved in group discussion with a colleague who is worried they might be pregnant which after already having 2 kids would be the worst thing in the world for her!! Another colleague then told me I was rude for walking away and compared me to someone she knew who had had IVF and how they didn't mind conversations about pregnancy and being around other kids.

I was so upset, none of these people have a clue what its like, someone even once said to me 'at least I didn't have a miscarriage because that really would be bad' as if outright treatment failure is totally unimportant compared to those who get pregnant naturally and miscarry. I just want to stay at home and never leave the house if this is how society thinks. :-( :-(


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## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Copperbird, massive hugs to you. I can feel my blood boiling as I write this. I’m speechless that some people are so self centred and incapable of having an ounce of empathy. 

Regardless of IVF, what makes them think that anyone else is interested in their problems and has to participate in the conversation. The fact that they know it is a painful topic for you makes it even more incredible that all they can think of is themselves. The pain of unsuccessful cycles is immense and it takes all our energy just to keep going. These awful people have no idea. 

They don’t sound like colleagues worth keeping as friends so just tell them where to stick it next time. You’re worth one hundred of them. I truly believe that most other people are not so insensitive or think like this. Give this lot a wide berth and look out for the lovely people in your office who will be kind and caring. 

Ms G.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi, excuse the intrusion, I'm through the other side but you are not alone. I write this post a few years ago. Be kind to yourself.

OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES
If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them. And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening. It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy. 

I just don't get it.I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. 

I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world.

 It is the thing that we share on Fertility Friends. I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.We are like a silent army marching towards Motherhood!!


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Copperbird

Your collegue is really insensitive and doesn’t have a clue.

Personally I haven’t discussed with anyone my infertility struggles. Everyone has an opinion, usually stupid, but none is in my shoes. Personally I avoid situations that involve baby talk etc. I usually find an excuse. And if people don’t like that I don’t care at all


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Oh wow, I am so angry for you.  How dare she talk to you in this way.  You are a better person then me, as I would have given her a right mouthful.

I have been very fortunate in regards to my treatment being successful, but I always remember a work colleague telling me how lucky I was to be going on a nice holiday with my husband and she couldn’t, because she had children.  She knew about my struggles, we had TTC for 3 years and had 9 months of clomid.  I looked straight at her and asked why I was lucky?  I said that I would loved to have swapped with her and had the children and she could have my holiday.  She then realised and apologised straight away.

This so called work colleague has to realise that people are different and deal with things in different ways.  I have a friend who is childless after 6 failed IVF’s and has been able to cope with other peoples pregnancy and seeing new born babies, but that’s her.

I can’t add much more, other then to perhaps talk to a manager or HR.  Sending you huge hugs.

X


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

I fully agree with Efi78, people will never understand you and your stuggles until they walk in your shoes. Stay positive and simply follow your dreams. xx


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

Thank you for your replies, she genuinely made me feel like I was causing an issue at work and I'm not allowed to be sad about my inability to have a child. I totally relate the post from Irish Dee and it is true that you don't really think about it if you haven't experienced it but that's the same with everything and people are still considerate about most other things.

Usually if people are talking about their pregnancies I listen but don't contribute, the reason I had to walk away from this is because she was moaning and saying how 'her life would be over' if she was pregnant and it would be 'the worst thing in the world'. That really got to me!

Thanks for your words of support xx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi

My sister in law has two children 13 and 8. The elder one is entering teenage years and as you can understand she has some hard time (although imo she is overreacting - but what do i know). We were on the phone the other day and she blantly declared “Guys...Inhave regretted it deeply having children. We didn’t know what to say and kind of laughed and my husband turned and to her and said “you are saying this to the people that try to have children for the last 6 years”. 

She didn’t take it back. She gushed and said “guys i didn’t mean to hurt but...honestly...i have regretted it.”. This is a woman who went through multiple IVFs due to POF

I didn’t know what to say tbh. I do find her children lovely but again i don’t live with them. Anyway. Food for thought. People don’t think before they speak.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Oh and my friend. She had really hard time having her son as well. She is in general a bit overobsessed with pregnancies and babies etc. 

She knows our fertility issues but everyte one of her friends has a baby she keeps sending me pictures. What do you make of that? Strange people...


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## Nicnik (Feb 17, 2016)

Grrrrr *Copperbird *this makes my blood boil reading this!

I have a work colleague who said to me "there is more to life than having children!" OMG....I could have killed her! This colleague struggled for a few years to conceive and had a few clomid cycles and now has twins and a boy. She also asks me lots of questions when I say I have a doctor's appointment etc. Really nosy and annoying!

Hard to believe how insensitive people can be, it really is! xx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Nicnic

One of the same here. One of my friends was struggling to conceive for 2 years but this was more due to lack of sex life. Her husband wouldn’t be able to “operate” under pressure. She had three clomid cycles, conceived and sadly miscarried. After a few months she conceived her current child with clomid. 

She kept on saying how hard she had it and how hard she tried to have a child. And she kept on saying this to me (read my profile...) and another friend who has severe ashermans syndrome and 2 partial molar pregnancies. We stared at her in disbelief...and smiled. What can you say. Human stupidity is infinite.


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## CopperBird (Jan 10, 2016)

> She kept on saying how hard she had it and how hard she tried to have a child.


We had someone new start at work so obviously didn't know me but when we got talking about her daughter she gave the whole office a sob story about how she struggled to conceive and went through hell and it turned out she took clomid for a couple of months! When told her my story and she went very quiet.....

I refuse to celebrate my birthday anymore because all it represents to me is what I haven't achieved, another year goes by and the clock is ticking. When I tried to explain this to a colleague who suddenly realised I hadn't had a birthday in 3 years she tried to tell me...but you got a new car so surely that's something to celebrate? Yeah like a car compares to a family....but to be fair at least she meant well. People just don't understand


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Where to start....this is not only about IVF, this is about anyone's right to participate or not, to comment or not about any topic. It could have been something else that another person disliked to talk about. I hate when people give themselves a right to comment whether one should have reacted in a certain way or not. Had they been clever and sympathetic, that friend and the lady who criticized you should have told you something about the coming topic of their conversation. I have a friend who struggled a bit but got her child at the end. She just needed a bit of gonal f and timed intercourse and that was all. I struggled for 5 years (numerous retrievals and 6 transfers) and i got my baby; however, we have a friend who had her battles for 10 years at that time and until now didnt get her baby....and what happened, this first friend, a few months after she gave birth to her first kid sent us a msg which was like a poem, saying something like "if you dont have money, you are poor; if you dont bla, bla, you arebla, bla " and the very last verse was "if you dont have a child, you are alone"!. I immediately sent her a msg asking her how she could have sent such a msg to us, esp our friend (we have a chat group).she started apologizing and i dont know what...i mean, see to what extent human stupidity and insensitivity goes, and from the people who say they are your friends!


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