# Bringing kids to the clinic!



## Jeps (Jan 9, 2006)

What's your opinion on taking kids to the clinic? I have a DS thanks to IVF in 2006 but there is absolutely no way I would take him to the clinic unless I was absolutely desperate. I remember only too well when I was having treatment before how upsetting I found it when the odd person brought their kids in - it's like rubbing your nose in it. 

Today I was in the clinic and 2 women had their children with them, one of them was with their husband too so surely he could have looked after him? The other woman was being really loud with hers constantly saying things like 'come to mummy, let's a read a story' then talking to the other mum in a really loud voice saying 'oh you know how it is with kids, blah blah blah'.  I could see the other women in the waiting room (which was packed) were looking a bit upset too. I just think it's really inconsiderate. If I was forced to take mine, I would have waited in the corridor at the very least. 

Sorry, I'm probably being way to harsh here, rant over.

Jxx


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## Guest (Feb 16, 2010)

We have had to take DS to the clinic on occasion when we have not been able to get childcare. I mentioned this on another thread linked to my clinic and got a very mixed response. Some of the girls said it was very unfair on others who are TTC, and others said they found it to be really positive as it made them realise that the clinic were doing something right!  . I try to be considerate if DS has to come with us and keep him occupied but I am not going to hide my son away and I would not have expected anyone else to when we were sitting in that waiting room before we had DS. DS had to come with us for one of the scans and we had been told to expect the worst the week before. There was no way I was not going to be in that scan room with DP so I'm afraid DS came along too


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## peewee55 (Mar 13, 2006)

My first reply to this was modded I was so cross! Never had that happen before....

As Moo says - I have taken DD to every IF appointment, all prenatal scans - and I had many, plus sadly for her to GP/smears/dentist etc. We have no alternative.

Childcare is currently me, we have no funds for a babysitter. 

The end result we're all after in an IF clinic is a child so not sure why anyone would find a child offensive; Essex Fertility clininc has toys in teh waiting room and I saw at elast 3 other kids there.  

In the same way is it therefore OK for FF members to use scan pix (which upset me alot for various reasons) bump pix or pix of their children as their profile pix? I have no problem with any of these, but you could also say that that was "rubbing your nose in it".


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Jeps, 

I dont think your post was harsh, in fact I think you sounded a very sensitive woman who is placing herself in the shoes of others without children. 

Whilst I understand that some women/couples/families have to take their children to the clinic due to lack of childcare and that some also want their children there to be involved, I must admit DW and I do find it difficult when children are in the waiting room, and I can see others are at unease too. Whilst I dont think parents should hide there children if they do have to/or want them to come, I think the way people handle the situation does vary and can make a big difference.

As moo said on one hand, it can be positive as I try to view it as these children may have been a former success of the clinic. 

Peewee I do not and never have found a child to be offensive, and dont think many people do/would and whilst I do not wish to compare peoples IF journeys or pain, I do think it is slightly different for childless women/couples to be in a clinic where children are, than those already with a child. 

S x


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## Lisa16 (Jan 11, 2009)

I think it is very considerate of you to think of this also. I have fortunately not been sat in an IF clinic where there are children present, but am sure I would not be offended by the individual, more by a parent's insensitive attitude if they were seemingly inconsiderate of other perople's reasons for being there. Although secondary infertility can still be devasting, I have to agree with the last post that there is a big difference in being childless and struggling to obtain your dream of a 2nd child to compliment your family (which is why I am assuming women with children are sat there in the first place)

I have however, been sat in a waiting room at my local hospital on several occasions with pregnant women, & their kids,when I was having Clomid scans and found this very upsetting. You try to tell yourself not to be stupid and that life goes on but some days are more manageable than others, and others are just gut wrenching - especially when you are told you will miscarry and then have tp sit around in waiting rooms full of heavily pregannt women waiting to have this confirmed. However, this is down to insensitive hospital policies rather than being the fault of any individual

*Pee* - there is an option to block member's scans / photos available if you go to the *starting out * thread - it would very be bad taste if they had not already thought of this on a site with such sensitive issues

Lisa


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## peewee55 (Mar 13, 2006)

Oh I didn't realise that Lisa re pix  - yes that makes perfect sense.

But also, never assume that the first child was easily conceived - have been on the other side too - prior to conceiving DD I sat childless in 4 different clinics - with children running about. At the time I wasn't aware that once you have a child it's not easy to find someone to look after them but I still never ever had a problem with them being there. It's what we're trying to achieve. 

And re hospitals - similar to you Lisa, have sat in a very small waiting room with pg happy couples awaiting their scans and walking out happy and clutching scan pix etc while waiting for a CVS to confirm a 1 in 2 chance of a serious abnormality. I could have done without them being there TBH but then you can't spend the rest of your life avoiding bumps, children, etc. I always find the EPU a bit weird for that too but antenatal means just that - whether it be a postive thing or not.


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## Lisa16 (Jan 11, 2009)

Hi Peewee55

I didn't make any assumptions that first concieved child was easily conceived (and re-read my post to check if that is the way it came across which it doesn't read to me like it did, but apologies if that is what you thought I meant). Nor do I expect the world to stop / bumps to disappear for me because I have not had a child - I just find some discreet moments more difficult than the vast majority of my life.


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## Lisa16 (Jan 11, 2009)

Peewee

Ignore me please! Have just re-read my initial post and see that I have written secondary infertility - doh!!! Bad case of OHSS from last week's failed tx is addling my brain!x


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## prija (Apr 24, 2003)

Hi Girls,
Always had to take a little one with me for an appointment. I really hope I never offended anyone with my chats to my son. I will never forget the pain of infertility and still go through it (secondary infertlity), but honestly can feel everyone's pain and hope I am as sensitive as possible with others.
Best of luck!
Prija


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Lisa16 said:


> there is an option to block member's scans / photos


If you go to _Profile_ at the top of the page, then on the left hand side click _Look and Layout Preferences_ you can then tick the boxes to turn off other members avatar pictures and signatures


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## silver6 (May 25, 2005)

Here is my personal view - because we are all different, and who am I to tell others what they should think or feel.

I have to say, I find it hard to see babies and small kids when I'm at IVF clinics. While I can steel myself against the reminders they bring when I go to the supermarket, lunch at a cafe, walk in the park etc by focusing on other things, it's very hard to do that when I'm at a clinic that's all about making babies. I also find it hard when clinics put out magazines with photos of celebrities holding their new babies babies on the covers and when one particular clinic I've been to put up a poster of a big pregnant tummy to advertise the private scans it does.

I've spent 7 years trying really hard not to let folk know that I'm upset by their bumps and babies - in fact, I've spent 7 years trying to make them think their bumps and babies make me deliriously happy, when in fact, they remind me very painfully of what I don't have and probably will _never_ have. For me, the world feels like a place where it is not ok to be infertile and childless. I have been for countless appointments for IF, mc and gynae-related issues where I have sat in waiting rooms alongside pregnant women and kids, and it's tough, but its usually worst in the IVF clinic. The _very_ worst was the awful occasion I had to have a scan to confirm one of my miscarriages during a normal booking-in clinic - so many folk looking at happy scan pictures, when all I saw was an empty womb.

The primary/secondary infertility thing is a tricky one. I've come across it most through the mc support group I was part of and I think the difference was best described by a girl who had mc and fertility problems before and after her first child. She said the difference to her was binary - child/no child, being a parent/not being a parent. While she found her continuing fertility problems after her child was born very upsetting, her distress was about losing a particular pregnancy or not having a sibling for her child. Her distress before that was about the whole parent experience - the fear not only of not having that particular child that she might conceive or the sadness of losing a particular pregnancy, but the fear and sadness of _never_ having or continuing a pregnancy, never giving birth, never holding her own child, never giving her husband a baby, knowing you might never then have grandchildren etc etc - never having all of these experiences that you _do_ get to experience at least once if you manage to have a baby.

So Jeps, I think you are very kind and considerate. While I know that there are occasions where people simply _have_ to bring their kids along, and I totally sympathise with the childcare issue - the world doesn't make it easy - I do think that it's one clinic appointment for which people ought to make a big effort not to bring kids.

Mind you, at my local IVF clinic, the biggest source of distress are the heavily pg girls in their nighties, with drips in their arms, _*smoking*_ while leaning up against the floor to ceiling windows of the waiting room - that really does make me mad. It's like saying, I've got what you want and I couldn't give a toss how I treat it .

Wow, there's a rant - better shut up now!

Silver x


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## vickym1984 (Jan 29, 2009)

I guess (in most cases) its not the parents fault they have to/want to take their kid with them, maybe clinics should offer a separate waiting area for those with kids (which includes toys etc)


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Silver6, thanks for sharing your views, I totally agree with you. 

S x


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## MummyP (Jan 24, 2007)

Jeps  - Totally agree with you, however.....

Silver6 - Thank you for sharing you story,however....

I had all my appts for scans and bloods covered for childcare. On a particular follicle growth scan, my child carer (was struck down in the morning with diarrhoea and vomitting), so I had to take my LO to the clinic  .

I was stressed, mortified and embarrassed, obviously NOT OF MY LO, but trying my best to avoid the eyes of ladies who were less fortunate than me. I am extremely lucky, YET, I have and will never forget the pain of infertility, FOR ME having my LO doesn't clear the pain and heartache endured before he came along.

In my opinion I don't think its appropriate for LO to be at clinic, but sometimes, one just does not have the choice.


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## Guest (Feb 17, 2010)

vickym1984 said:


> I guess (in most cases) its not the parents fault they have to/want to take their kid with them, maybe clinics should offer a separate waiting area for those with kids (which includes toys etc)


The Oxford clinic has a new, purpose built premises and is now on the business park rather than in the maternity wing of the hospital which I think is much nicer. There are no toys on the waiting area anymore but that is because of infection control rather than to discourage children coming to the clinic. TBH I think a seperate waiting area for those with children would shove it even more in the faces of those who remain childless . At the old site there used to be a huge wall of photos of babies that were conceived through treatment at Oxford. Now these pictures are in an album in the waiting area so you can look at them if you chose to. The corridor with all the treatment rooms off it can also be entered from both ends. When we had our 6 week scan we were told that DP would probably miscarry over the next few days . It was so helpful to be able to leave the unit at the 'bad news end' just so that we could have a good cry and not have to walk back through a busy waiting room.

Whenever I have sat in that waiting room ( feels like a million time now ) I have always had this sense that no matter what stage everyone else in that room is at ie. has 2 LOs and wants a 3rd, or just starting their 5th IVF!, we have all known the heartache of TTC. That kind of brings us all together really . I found a trip to mothercare was much more painful


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi Everyone,

I have really mixed views on this- but a lot of what I think has been said, so I'm only going to add this, 

In an IVF waiting room there are so many people at different stages- starting out, heavily hormonal through stims, 2ww, having good news/ having bad news etc etc, it is just such a charged and at many times tense environment, and somehow children running around while they can sometimes make you smile and yes they are what we are aiming for, seems to intrude on a complicated/adult environment, 

I love children- I work with them and and I love seeing my friends babies,I don't mind mothercare, I like buying presents for babies,  I have just found that the dreaded waiting room has been usually the time where I want to have quiet/calm/get my head together and on occasions seeing children/being disturbed by them has made me tenser, 

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I have been struggling to put this into words a bit, 

Livity,


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## Lisa16 (Jan 11, 2009)

I think you worded it very well Livity. I know not everyone can avoid taking kids to appointments but I agree with you and what you say
Lisa
xx


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Livity - I agree with Lisa about your post.

S x


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## prija (Apr 24, 2003)

Hi girls,
I really feel for all you are saying, but we genuinely have no childcare except for ourselves, hence the reason I work nights and week ends. I can only stress that my pain of secondary infertility has never and will never leave me.
Good luck to all!
Prija


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## snickers34 (Sep 11, 2006)

It was very interesting reading all the different views on this subject.  I have just been through a natural FET which was unfortunately unsuccessful.  I had to take my DS to our appt and the transfer  (on a Saturday) for childcare reasons.  I rang the clinic and they said that it was OK to do so.  I was very aware of our presence in the room and tried to keep things low key and quiet.  

I did hope that people saw it as a positive thing but know that everyone is different, and that although secondary infertility is painful, I have my son, as Silver6 says, but nevertheless it is painful.  I always felt that if our FET didn't work that would be it, I had DS, but now at that point in my life the pain I felt during my journey to DS has returned.  And as much as I logically say to myself I have been blessed to have had my DS, emotionally I long for another child which has led us to the private IVF route, and taking DS to clinic if there is no other childcare options.  

In general everyday life we have a deal with the lives of parents of children and this is unavoidable, but I do think if at all possible it is better not to take children out of sensitivity for others in the IF clinics, but would hope for some understanding when this is not possible.


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## Bling1975 (Aug 7, 2009)

I don't mind children in the IVF clinic. I find it a place full of hope and the children is a nice reminder that it can work for me to. But were we live most children is in daycare and the parent come in during office hours so I have only seen a few over the years.

What I do mind is that when you have a miscarriage you usually have to go to the hospital instead of the IVF clinic. And the waiting area is full of pregnant women and a lot of newborns as they are next to the maternity ward and do all after care for the mothers. It is horrible because when you are bleeding and the baby is gone there are no hope at all, just a lot of pain and fear.


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## Sammeee (Feb 21, 2009)

This is a tough one really, and sypathies on all sides. 
I myself have had to take my DS with me to scans, EC and ET, childcare being the main issue, although for my last 2 tx he is in playschool, however, the 120mile round trip to the clinic, and some of the very early appointment times have meant that unfortunately i have had no other choice... no family living near to help out either. 
we are extremely lucky to have our DS but also wish him to have a sibling, and im not going to stop trying ortaking him to our appointments.
I do have to say though, it make's me feel very uncomfy in the waiting room when other people are there without children, whilst not knowing if this is the case or indeed what stage of tx they are at, or evwen there history, it just makes me feel awkward and sad for them. I hope they look at my son and it give's them hope and doesn't give any negativity to their own tx.

I agree on having seperate waiting area's.... personally it would make me feel better, and i could act as i normally would with my son, whereas whilst sat in WR with him in other peoples presence i dont feel i can!

It is difficult all around but i can assure OP non of us takes our kids to these appointments to cause harm or distress to others, we do it simply out of necessity, beleive me its not easy having the scans etc with a LO.


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## Jeps (Jan 9, 2006)

Hello

Only just seen all the replies to this thread and felt I had to just add something to kind of clarify my position, as it was me who started this all off in the first place.

I totally and utterly understand that sometimes it's not possible to get childcare and of course in those situations you have to take your child with you.  Who knows, I may find myself in that position one day. I think the thing that got me so worked up was how one particular mum was handling it.  It really WAS like she was rubbing everyone's nose in it (I'm sure it wasn't intentional though, just a bit thoughtless).  She had such a loud voice, and kept talking across the waiting room to the other woman who had a child discussing what it's like to be a mum.  It was awful.  That's what got me so cross. All I was thinking was, if I'M feeling uncomfortable and I've got a child, how on earth are the other women in this room feeling who haven't.

I have since been back in the waiting room with another mother and her daughter and they couldn't have been more different.  They were quiet and considerate and it felt OK.  

For me, the second time is a lot less stressful but I will never ever forget how it felt the first time and that's why I will only take my DS to the clinic as the absolute last resort, hopefully never. I would just hate to upset anyone, I remember feeling upset seeing other pregnant women, and even felt resentment at friends who fell pregnant at the drop of a hat.  I know it sounds mean and ungracious (you shouldn't feel like that about your friends) but infertility can do this to you so I totally understand why people going through this really don't want to see me with the one thing they feel they might never get. 

Anyway, I wish everyone on here the very very best of luck with their treatments.

Jxx


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## MummyP (Jan 24, 2007)

That first lady was just so inconsiderate  and selfish .


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi. I've just come across this thread and have read all the posts with interest. This has come up for me at my clinic but I never dared to post about it for fear of upsetting anyone. For what it's worth this is how it makes me feel (my opinion only).

DH and I have no children and have been ttc #1 for just over 4 years. When I go to the clinic for scans and blood tests I'm normally a little worked up and worried about how things are going. On several occasions there have been parents with their child, both mother and father. Now I can see that you'd like your partner/husband to be with you for appointments etc but when I'm sitting in the waiting area crying that the tx has not gone to plan I personally find it very hard to have a small child running about and shouting 'mummy look at me' across the room.

I totally understand there childcare is an issue for some people and in no way am I saying that people will children should not bring them to the clinic. I know someone said that they hope that seeing a child brings them hope, for me it reminds me that there is no guarantees in life and I may never get to hold my own child, hear the words mummy, tell my dh that we've done it and I'm finally pg. But for the people that do have to bring their children with them for what ever reason I would hope they would respect the feelings of those that are not as lucky the same as I respect that having children means you can't always plan appointments around childcare.

Day to day you know that you'll get up and paint on a smile, you will see pregnant ladies, you will see babies and small children - life will carry on without you and you have to get on with it. I know this, but, when I'm at the clinic all these feelings are striped back and raw. So for me children in the waiting area is very painful and upsetting, not because of the person and their child but because it is in my face at a time when every emotion is screaming to get out. 

Maybe the people in the waiting room went through IF and tx to get their wonderful baby maybe they didn't and they are experiencing it in the form of secondary IF I don't know but for me it is very hard and the thought of never having one child is soul destroying. 

Thank you for this thread it is nice to be able to say outloud something that you've held in for a very long time.


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## MummyP (Jan 24, 2007)

Tama,

Thank you for being honest, this site is for all of us, so you must have your say, it is so important . I won't say anymore 

Take care
Mummy P x


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