# Bit of a cr**py day - just checking I'm not the only one who feels like this



## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Long story short: I don't have very much contact with children _at all_, and yesterday I received the most amazing hug from my step sister's little boy (who I very rarely see) - the type of hug given with the wholehearted abandon that only a small child can give. Held it together till they left, then fell apart somewhat for the rest of the day (not helped by hearing that SIL has had her first scan - I can't even figure out why, but that felt like a total slap in the face, maybe because I've had about 2 million scans for IVF and fertility investigations, but they're not to be celebrated, just endured? I don't know, anyway...)

I've spoken to women on this forum before about the great relationships they have with the children of relatives and friends and I think one day I would like to have that too, but I haven't heard of anyone getting so emotional like this from just a little hug. Am I wierd?

xx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

You are not weird hun, just greiving still. But well done for excepting such a wonderful hug, I know how hard that was for you. One step at a time and as the saying goes 'better out than in'. We all have our individual triggers. Have a great Christmas.

Lots of love
Yx


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## cammomile (Nov 28, 2007)

Hi Emma  
You are NOT weird - just normal and quite understandably still shaky  . And it is very overwhelming when children are so lovely like this without realising it. I had a similar thing at work recently - I was doing some art with a few kids, and was really getting on well with one of them. She was chattering away, and said (quite absent mindedly), 'i wish you were my mum'...obviously that did me in for the rest of the day.
What i really want you to know is that you are NOT alone, and getting emotional over a hug that was so freely and beautifully given just shows how special it was to you - and there is nothing wrong in that.
Love Cam xx (ruby)


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Emma

I agree with the others, you're not in any way wierd for your reaction, I often have to fight pang when my neices hug me and don't leg go in that way that only little kids can do.

Chin up, you're not alone.

flipper


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

No you're not weird Emma - just human! You still have much grief to let out – and that sounded like an amazing heartfelt hug. Children can be so healing for people like us. They give their love so spontaneously and freely. Though there are obviously difficulties, being with children can be a really positive thing. 
Sending you more BIG HUGS!
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Emma,

I think many of us here know just how you feel. You are definitely not weird or alone!

About SiL's scans: I totally empathise - I had to tell my SiL that I did not want to hear details confirming all was well, (actually more that that, the kind of details you and I always wanted to hear, but never did) as all my scans, like yours, were either IF diagnostics or about mcs and DandCs.

Those loving baby hugs you have just had seem to do two things for us. We feel the innocent love of a child, but also the emptiness of our own loss. No wonder if we experience mixed emotions.

*After all you have been through, the fact that your heart is open to feel the love given by a child is a wonderful thing.* Such an open heart will make it possible for you to have special relationships with the children of family or friends who are willing to include you in their lives, even if it will sometimes be difficult for you as you are reminded of all the dreams you have lost.

It will be easier to have great relationships with other people's children if you get some understanding and support from the parents. The beauty of a child's hug is so special that many parents who have never faced IF or loss may think their chid's hug is enough to fill any heart and that we aunties and uncles will be fullfilled by these hugs. What you and all of us FF here know is that while we can be wonderful aunts or uncles, there is always an empty space for our own lost children.

If we are to be the best aunts/uncles we can be, we need to have our own empty spaces hugged and not ignored. The little children who are not our own sons or daughters can do so much to heal us, but at the same time they unwittingly remind us of all we miss. If we are very lucky, their parents, our fertile family and friends, will hug our empty spaces. Maybe our partners will be strong enough to do so, despite their own loss. Maybe our own parents can put aside their excitement at being grandparents to do so? Wherever it comes from, we need our empty spaces to be hugged. If need be and if we are strong enough we may have to do so ourselves.

The great thing about this board is that we are all here to hug one another and help each other to move forward.

Hugging all of you, Jq xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Here here jq!

Sending you all a massive  

   

and hoping the festive season has been gentle to you too... Emma, I have been knocked sideways on many an occasion by the innocence of the young and the way they express themselves so beautifully at times so I hear where you're coming from as well.

Love to all
Emcee x


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

Dear Jq

Your post about the hugs and being the best aunts we can be brought tears to my eyes.  I became an aunt for the first time last week, and when I hold my beautiful niece the conflicting emotions are almost too much to bear. The love I feel for her when I hold her and the devastation I feel for myself, knowing that I will never get the chance to feel like that for my own child is awful.  When I see my brother looking at her with so much love, and knowing that I will miss out on all of that it just makes me want to cry.

Both evenings after I have seen my niece I have spent in tears, sobbing to myself about how unfair it is that my DP and I will never have our own child - it's so hard, I'm just lucky that my brother and SIL are so understanding.

Take care all
Lx


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## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Liliaicha I could have written your post today too, for the first time in months since my final failed treatment dh and I visited friends who have two very young children,  the affection the children showed towards us was overwhelming, watching them open their christmas presents. the look of joy on their faces when they saw their presents, the hugs we both received from them was something I will never forget . Today I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness, the realisation that dh and I will never be parents has really hit me with a huge bang,     the sense of emptyness at never being parents is heartbreaking, I guess that is why dh and I try to avoid families with young children as much as possible in order to protect ourselves from this.

Love 
Meerkatz x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Meerkatz I hope you are feeling a little better today. It is very hard this pain with have to live with, some days we are fine and others we get a whacking reminder and the tears come. They do get less and less but perhaps never fully disappear. I went to a friends over Christmas for her birthday and everyone I used to knock around with was there with all their children (9 all together). I have known all these children since they were babies and the youngest is coming up for 2 and he just broke my heart. Everytime you say hello he gives you the biggest grin and then goes round kissing everyone. In the end I had to leave and promptly burst into tears. I have been excluded from the joys of motherhood that my friends have all experienced, not on purpose but it is just the way it goes. Even if we had children now we would be so far behind everyone else it wouldn't be the same. This made me very sad the next day but now I am ok again and looking forward to a new year of doing things just for me. I know I will have other wobbly moments and I am glad you are all here to share them with. Happy New year to you all and lets make this year our year to shine again.

xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Liliaicha, thanks for your kind words and for sharing your experience.I am glad to hear that your brother annd SiL are understanding.

All these posts should reassure Emma, and everyone else struggling with this, that we are not alone. Like Yamoona, I am glad we can be here for one another and that everyone has a shining 2008!

I hope everyone here is gettting the hugs we need to get through difficult times.

Jq xxx


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