# Needing suggestions on family/friends asking donor questions...



## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

Hi.

I am interested in suggestions on how to handle family/friends asking information about the donor we used. I am currently pregnant and plan to tell everyone at 12 weeks, though I have already told my parents. I know I will get lots of questions about the donor and my DP and I feel that the info on him is private and solely for our children.  They are also asking about how accurate the info is that the donors put in their profile... and did I pick someone that looked like me! Well, I didn't and I don't want this to be such a big deal...

How did any of you handle donor questions? and what did you find people asked you about the most?

Thanks.


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi babywhispers, 

No suggestions unfortunately but I do agree that it's private and not for everyone else to know. 
Anyway I just wanted to say congratulations and good luck. 

AndLou


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## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

Thanks AndLou!


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## deemo (Oct 13, 2009)

> I know I will get lots of questions about the donor


You might be surprised how few people actually ask anything about the donor... I'd expected loads of questions and got very few indeed.


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## Coldilox (Mar 20, 2013)

Our parents know our plans and have already started asking stuff about how much we will know about the donor etc. If, once we're successful, they ask us things, we'll simply say that we have some information but that only we and our child will know it. Nobody else needs to know anything, and I am faiy certain our family and friends will respect that.


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## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

Thanks for the replies...

deemo - I would love friends and family like yours but mine unfortunately are very inquisitive to say the least lol Your very lucky. I've already had lots of questions from the family I've told. In a way, it's been good as it will prepare me for when I tell the rest of the family.

Coldilox - yes I agree, I feel the info is for the children and then they will have the option of telling people or not. I feel more confident that other people feel the same as us on this topic. It's just hard when you have accepted using a donor yourself but others around you think it's strange... after all it's only 50% of the outcome right!


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## Coldilox (Mar 20, 2013)

It's far less than 50% I think. It's just biology, how you raise your children in far more important.

We are just about to choose a donor, but the way I see it, as long as they are healthy (which the clinic ensures) the rest doesn't matter. We will be the patents, nobody else.


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## MadameCissy (Apr 2, 2013)

It is surprising how few people have asked us anything about the donor. The only one who really did what my sister and that was genuine interest, not because she didn't "get" it. I think that in general people will just see this little one as ours and not think about the biological other part that was involved in creating it


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## Monkey07 (Jul 8, 2012)

After announcing my pregnancy, we were asked, on **, by an acquaintance type of friend, how I got pregnant. It took a while to find the right words when I all I really wanted to type in capitals "none of your business you nosey twit!!"... BUT in the end we just wrote "how xxx and I came to be in this happy situation is between ourselves and when old enough, our child." Said person then apologised for putting us in that situation and said she was just genuinely interested. Hmmm.
To our close family and friends we have not hidden the fact that we used a clinic and sperm donor, some have asked how much we know about the donor but we just tend to say that we are aware of his height, weight, eye and hair colour then leave it at that, if anyone else probes further we just say "that's all" and smile which tends to make people realise that they are overstepping the mark!! But to be fair, we don't actually know a huge amount more than that... Other than we did choose a donor with similar of the above to my partner, that was our choice though and were lucky to find a donor with such  
As somebody else said, to us, nurture is far more important than genetics anyway and that will shine through as baby grows up xx


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## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

Thanks for all the personal experiences and advice... it really helps to hear what other people have gone through... and like a few of you have said nurture is far more important! I plan to stick to my guns and not give away too much info, which I have always said is for the children and not anyone else. It's also good to see so many LGBT families starting and growing... lots of luck and best wishes to everyone.


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

We have hardly anyone ask us the details. The only two people I can recall asking is my cousin who I am close to so I didn't mind and our mechanic!!   Who I had met just once before!! The crazy thing is I was so flabberghasted I found myself telling him!   

We have used known donors each time and don't want that to be a taboo subject for our children so we tend to tell people ourselves (close family and friends that is). Massive congrats by the way xxxx


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## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

Thanks BecsW...I lol'ed at your mechanic asking!   
It's mostly been family asking questions for now as I haven't told friends yet so we'll see how that goes...
I think you PM'ed me awhile back but I'm not sure I got back to you or not re: stories... as you can imagine things have been quite hectic and I've been up and down with MS... hope that is going well and you've got lots of stories for your book...
Also good luck, looks like your due in a few weeks! Congrats!


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

We found that people were only asking because they were worried about my health, if donor has any rights etc Once we explained how strict it is & all the sperm is screened & he is anon til child is 18 etc I found they didn't ask anything else.


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## Coldilox (Mar 20, 2013)

When I told my dad our plans, he asked what sort of info we'd get about the donor. He specifically asked whether we'd find out social class   I told him to wind his neck in!


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Baby Whispers-still need plenty of stories so when life is less hectic and if you are still interested then feel free to pm me xxx


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## MadameCissy (Apr 2, 2013)

What I've noticed was that when we started going through our miscariage week before last and the doctors, nurses, sonographers etc were all asking questions about how the baby was conceived. Everybody immediately assumed it had been an IUI baby but when we said the baby had been conceived at home with donor sperm, everyone seemed rather surprised and asked the standard "How did you do that, then?" and one of the doctors even used the "turkey baster" description. I hadn't expected that from health professionals and definitly not while we we're trying to come to terms with losing our baby.

Anyone else had health professionals ask questions/seem surprised etc?


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## babywhispers (Nov 22, 2012)

MadameCissy - Thats so unprofessional! Sorry to hear about your MC. I did have a midwife have no idea what IUI was, I thought it was a bit strange considering she works in the profession!

BecsW - no probs... will try and get you a story at some stage lol It might be a long one


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Babywhispers-that would be brilliant! Thank you! xxx


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

MadameCissy, I had a similar experience. The first doctor my wife and I saw when we were enquiring about IVF/IUI had no idea - when we said we'd like to talk about starting a family, he looked confused and said, "how are you going to go about that then?". Even a gynaecologist told us to "go on the internet" to find our own donor... thankfully, we changed doctors! Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.


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## candygirl (Aug 1, 2006)

Over the years I've been asked about this by all sorts of people - family, friends and work colleagues.  Our policy has always been to be very honest about it.  I am constantly surprised both by those who are not interested at all in how we conceived, and by those who ask incredibly intimate and personal  questions when we've only just met.

I try never to be offended, and to answer all questions honestly - and find that once people's initial curiosity is satisfied then the subject doesn't tend to come up again.

In terms of the detail of the donor himself though - we strongly believe that information belongs to our children.  So, we have a folder with all the information we have from the clinic about the donor (including a baby photo and an adult photo) and we are the only people who have seen the whole folder.  Our son asked to see a photo of the donor when he was about 3 1/2, but hasn't shown any interest since.  We will let both children look at that folder whenever they want, and should they want to trace the donor when they turn 18, then we'll help them to do so.


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Madame Cissy - I found some health professionals to be incredibly ignorant throughout my pregnancy & when it became high risk. Others were fab - it relly was a shock at the time.


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## Tinksandmoo (Apr 26, 2012)

Whilst at the hospital having an ERPC following our MMC the midwife was totally clueless about IUI and asked us "don't you have any male friends"!!! Tad insensitive all round. Having a MC is bad enough without having to deal with thoughtless people  

Found that most people seem genuinely clueless about DIUI and ask daft questions... Find that once explained they get it! Lol 

Being a tad grumpy today though: today was due date


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