# Kb's family road



## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

So today is the day we start on our adoption journey. It seems odd to finish a treatment diary and start an adoption diary straight away and many people will probably say that we need to grieve before we make the decision to adopt, but I have spent the past 3 years grieving and since last August when we decided to have one final go at treatment, that for really complicated reasons (my treatment diary explains it all) turned into two goes and a miscarriage and our only frozen embryos, we always knew, that whatever happened once those frozen embryos were gone there would be no more treatment for us. We would either have a new born baby or we would find our family through adoption. As those frozen embryo's didn't stick, adoption is the path for us. 

We thought a lot about adoption last August, even met with a Social worker having attended two information evenings, but something told us if we adopted then we would always be thinking what if. We didn't want to live with the regret of not knowing we hadn't tried everything. A year later and there are no more "what ifs". In fact I think both hubby and I feel we should have got on and started the adoption process last year. All this last year has done is given us more heart ache and cost us more money. But at least there will never be that "what if". We are ready to be parents and adoption is the route that is going to lead us to our forever family. 

I am sad that I will never hold a new born baby in my arms, never breastfeed, never be pregnant, never look at a child and see me in them but I need to live again, and whilst having treatment my life has been on hold. Ultimately, I want to be a mummy and I want my husband to be a daddy. I want to give our children the love for life that we have. I want to love them and for them to know that we will always be there for them. I want to do things as a family, I want to go to the village show as a mummy not a God Parent, I don't just want to "fun auntie KB". I want to go to parents evenings and assemblies and school sports days. I want our children to experience the amazing exciting big wide world we live in. I want to teach our children to love the outdoors, the fresh air, snow topped mountains, beautiful seas. I want to watch our children grow up. So, they might not be children we have created using our genes but they will be our children. I'm not so naïve as to think it will be rose tinted glasses from here on. We know that adoption is hard and that things might not be straight forward with our children and we will need to think about how we parent but we want to be parents more than anything else.

So today I have called both the local VA and LA to talk to them about where we are at. I know we will have to wait before we can start stage one but I wanted to check out with them what happens if we decide to go to our recurrent miscarriage appointment and whether that will delay things even more and also whether buying an invest property counts as debt, because if either of those things would delay the process we won't do them. I'm currently waiting for calls back from both of them. 

I have also ordered some books which should be delivered next week. Who knows if they are any good. Well I know one is as I read a fair chunk of it at work as we had a copy (What every parent needs to know, Sunderland) but I thought I could read it and do some reflections on it and try and get hubby to read some of it. The other three I have no idea, but we will see. Ones for our families to read, I think they might think I am being a bit annoying....

So when we were thinking last summer about adopting I wrote a poem which one day I hope will hang in a frame next to a photo of us and our children, or be on a canvas or something similar.

I didn't grow you in my tummy, 
but I'm your forever mummy.
You do not share your genes with daddy,
but he loves you and wants to make you happy.
You came to us a special way,
and our love for you grows more each day.
You (insert child or children's names) are our daughter/son,
It was meant to be, 
We're a very special family.

Bye for now KB xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah what a lovely post kb. You sound very much like me in the attitude towards treatment. We knew before our 3rd cycle it was extremely unlikely to work but just wanted to get on with it and get it out of the way as we'd always said we would try 3 times.
Our la took us on 4 months after treatment because they could see we were ready. One of the things that helped me come to terms with not having a birth child was compiling a list of the special moments we would have had if we had been fortunate enough to have had a birth child. Then I took that list and ticked off all those special moments that we would still have through adoption and there wasn't that many ticks missing which I then managed to make up for with all the positives of adoption that we wouldn't have with a birth child.
Good luck on your journey and I look forward to reading your updates.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Welcome KB - I think I remember your older posts.  good to see you are moving forward on your new journey. Good luck!

Adoption doesn't stop you from getting a newborn or even attempting to breastfeed if that is important to you. But there are challenges and risks for both.

I have seen people insist that they see themselves in their adopted child (often this is their motivation for the match). I know it's not the same and knowing and looking for genetic similarities. I too have felt the pangs, but I reassure myself by thinking how much more excited and happy and attached I will feel, seeing myself in my child when they become a young (and then middle-aged) adult.

There is also research to show that people adopt physical mannerisms of each other, so trust that with every day, your children are becoming more of you in subtle ways.


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thank you for the welcome Handstitichedmum and Becs. Becs, I love the list idea and am going to do it . Handstitichedmum you are right, I'm sure in someway we will see us in our children as they grow up and develop our mannerisms. 

This morning I have emailed an old work colleague who adopted siblings a few years ago. I am hoping to meet her to talk about adopting and hopefully through chatting to her get some clarity about who we should go with, the local VA or LA. 

Right now I have a genuine rush of excitement as I sit here and type about the journey ahead of us and can say, hand on heart, that right now I am not sad that we won't have birth children. 

Right need to get the dog walked and into work, soooo much to do.

Bye for now

KB xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I can feel your excitement   it takes me back to when we started, the renewed hope is just wonderful! Adoption is the best thing we ever did! Looking forward to following your journey


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks Lolly, yes I am excited  

Yesterday I spoke to the social worker from our local VA who we met with last August. She remembered us   I explained everything that had happened since, the treatment, miscarriage etc. We talked about attending the recurrent miscarriage appointment and she felt that that was something we should do as part of getting closure on everything. We discussed the significance of what would have been my due date for that miscarriage (5th September) and how for us that is always going to be a bigger thing than anniversaries of IVF dates. The upshot of it all is, that if we decide we want to go with the VA, we need to contact them in October ish (or when we are ready) and I can contact that social worker directly. We can arrange a home visit with that social worker, which is great as hubby and I really really like her and then if she is happy we can start  

I think the LA tried to call yesterday as I missed a call from a private number, hopefully they will call back today. Although I think hubby and I are pretty much decided we want to go with the VA.

I heard back from my old work colleague this morning, whose social worker happened to be the same social worker we have been talking too. We are going to get together very soon for a catch up about all things adoption. I can't wait to see her and her children for a good play. I am so excited

I have been reading the adoption threads, including adoption diaries for a good year now and never felt it was right to comment on the diaries as we weren't adopting. I'm excited to start feeling included in the adoption part of this site, thanks you Lolly, Handstitchedmum and Becs for the inclusion, and to start commenting on peoples diaries having been following them for so long.

Bye for now

KB xxx


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

Sounds like your conversation with the sw from the VA went really well and it all sounds positive. We went to an open evening and had first sw visit with a LA and then we switched to a VA and found everything a much more positive experience. We are now half way through stage 2 and are so pleased that we went with the VA. I do think it is definately about how you feel with them and which you feel more relaxed and positive about. Good luck with your adoption journey - how exciting!


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks primer, we feel very comfortable with the VA. Our experience of the LA was an info session on a Friday afternoon last year and we still had questions to ask and they rushed us out as said they needed to get home.... They only thing I keep coming back to is our we likely to get younger children if we go with the LA?

Our books arrived today   can't wait to start reading them.

It told my dad we were going to adopt today. He said oh, ok. I said yep, it's gonna be busy, we are hoping to start the process in November time. He said, what get a child in November..... Anyway, I explained that no, we would start the process to approve and that it takes 6 months then we have to wait to be matched. I said this time next year we could be possibly starting to get busy especially as we would like to adopt a sibling group. Has response, 'well it will be all hands on deck then'. Love my dad   My mum already knows as she knew that if those frosties didn't stick we had decided not to have anymore treatment. She is also very supportive. I'm not sure what we will do about telling hubbies parents and I don't think we will share the news with anyone else just yet, well there's not really any news to share yet anyway. It's still just a dream, a dream I really hope will be reality in a year. Just think Christmas 2015 we might be a family of 4 and a dog. Oh and if I get my way and we manage to buy the filed behind our house, chickens, donkey and alpacas


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hello, it sounds like you're getting busy and hopefully have lots to keep you occupied between now and when the assessment starts.

I agree that just because our kids are adopted, it doesn't mean we don't see ourselves in them to varying degrees.

Facially, my kids look nothing like me at all, and only a little like my husband.  We are both fair skinned, but they are beautifully tanned - no matter how dutifully I re-apply the suncream the whole summer long!  My husband and I both have blue eyes, but our kids have big brown eyes.  My husband has dark hair and our son is fair.  My daughter's hair is dark and beautiful, and I am blonde. I am sure as they get older these differences will become more obvious.  But I see my husband in my son, and when the pair of them both get their cheeky and adorable heads on together, I am bowled over by how much like my husband my son can be.  My daughter is more complicated and I don't see any of my husband in her at all if I'm honest, maybe a little of me at times, but she certainly shares a lot of my mannerisms and loves.

Our kids take something of their birth parents, something of their foster parents, and something of us too.  How much of each and how positive that is really does depend on how old, how long, and what their experiences are with each set of parents, as well as their personalities.  

You may get younger kids going with a LA - some VAs do end up with younger kids coming through but generally, LAs tend to have more babies, but it does vary a lot from area to are.  But, if you want a young sibling group that could be a difficult match.  Although LAs and VAs alike are crying out for adopters willing to take siblings, generally that's where at least one child is older and/or there are some significant complications.  Actually, young sibling groups where the eldest is under three and the younger is pretty much a baby are incredibly sought after, particularly where one or more child is a girl.

I would suggest speaking to LAs and VAs near you and asking them whether they think they'll be able to find the children you are looking for.  If you're honest about what you're looking for they may be able to give you an idea as to whether they are likely to be able to find that sort of match.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks Wyxie, hubby and I really don't care about the sex so I guess from what you have said that will make things a bit easier. I asked the VA what the likelihood was that we could be matched with two children under 3 and they said that it was highly likely. I also know someone who has adopted through them and there children were both very young when they came home, I think one under one and one two and bit, although they could be the exception rather than the rule. I guess as you say I need to ask the LA the same question if we actually manage to speak as at the moment we keep missing each others calls!

I have started reading the books that arrived, the one for our families to read is an easy read and I think they will find it interesting as it contains lots of quotes from people who have adopted and grandparents etc. It also explains the two stage process really well. The one I bought for hubby and I about adoption rather than child development isn't great, my fault, I should have checked the publication date and it was published in 2009 so well before the process changed. Oh well, some of it is ok. 

Bye for now

xxx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Well it has been a busy week.

On Tuesday I went to our appointment at the recurrent miscarriage clinic. They basically said they don't have any answers and don't think they are likely to have any, although they have run a few more bloods. They basically said that in their experience at some point, in some pregnancy, I would probably have a healthy pregnancy, but they realised that when you are paying for IVF it is not always possible to just keep on going. So that's that really. We have no desire to have any more treatment and there really are no answers as to why I miscarry. They have booked me for a follow up appointment in 10 weeks time to discuss the blood test results but I don't really think that will tell us anything. Part of me thinks I am wasting their time by going but then I also think I need to go to get closure on the whole thing. Basically, hubby and I are very unlucky. Hubby has a condition that effects approx. 1 in 1000 people, I have a body that can't do what it is meant to and means we have ended up in the very tiny proportion of people who have recurrent miscarriages, what's the stat on that, something like 1% of the population I guess. Do I feel sad about it all, sometimes a bit, but basically I'm ok. When I was talking to my sister in-law the other day about it she was saying how unfair it was but I just feel its the life we've been given and we can't change it, so we have to go with it and I am really excited about adopting. When I read other peoples stories of the children they have adopted and how they feel it was truly meant to be that fills me with happiness. Someway, somehow hubby and I will have our children and I am sure, they will be the children who all along were meant to be ours.  

We have sorted out plans to meet with the person I used to work with who has adopted. We are meeting with her and her husband the week after next and I am really looking forward to it. I know a little bit about her children but am looking forward to hearing more about them, the process they went through, the agency they went through. 

This week we also booked a holiday, two weeks of just hubby and I and I can't wait. We are going to explore Italy, 4 nights in Venice, 3 nights in Rome and then a bit of luxury in Sardinia. 4 flights all with different airlines so I am sure we'll end up with the wrong weight bags on one of them but there we go. It's going to be lovely and could (well apart from Skiing at Christmas) be our last big holiday without any children. I think it is exactly what hubby and I both need. We love holidays and have been on some amazing ones, but haven't had two weeks away together for three years as treatment has taken over everything and most of our leave and money has been taken up because of it. I feel very liberated at the moment, not having to think about treatment. For so long we haven't been able to plan more than just a few months in advance, just it case we having treatment, just in case I'm pregnant but now we can and it is lovely. I am planning to run a half marathon next June, that's nearly a year away and I feel I can enter. I haven't felt able to plan like that for so long and its a lovely feeling. Also, I am eating what I want, no worrying about caffeine, aspartame (although I generally believe that's not very good for you anyway so I don't tend to eat it but at least now I can have a diet coke occasionally with out feeling guilty), or whether something has gluten in it.

Saying all this, I am still planning around having our family a bit. I work for myself and once I have booked work I really can't cancel it. I gave up working full time to focus on treatment and although it was definitely the right decision, my job did not lend itself to being infertile and miscarrying, sometimes its harder working for myself as I really feel I can't let people down, so either I have to turn work down or I have to plan very carefully. So, following on from my phone call with the VA that we are 99% sure we are going to go with, I have asked them when the stage one prep day is in November.  This is so that if we are ready, and they are happy that we are ready, we can go to it and I won't have booked work. Having that day to focus on is great. I know we might suddenly not feel ready but I really think we will be. Once we are past our last due date, which is the 5th September, and we have had our holiday I think we will both be raring to go. We have been ready to be parents for so long and how we become parents has become less and less relevant as time has gone by until now it really doesn't feel relevant at all. We just want to be parents  .    

I am somewhat peeved that having researched it, because I work for myself I won't be entitled to any type of adoption pay. How is that right, being self employed if I had a baby I would get maternity allowance, but adopting I won't. Really doesn't seem right     I have started following Sir Martyn Narey on *******, might tweet him about it    

Today I looked after our God Children, they are 3.5 and nearly 6. They are  lovely and we are very very blessed to have them in our lives. As the weather was dreadful and I forgot to get their car seats from their mum it was a day of arts and crafts, cooking, dancing and stories. There is something truly lovely about sitting snuggled on the sofa reading children a book when it is raining. I can't wait to do that with our own children. At both the introduction events we went to they both talked about gaining experience with children. We both have loads. I have worked with children (mainly under 5's) since graduating from Uni and did a fair amount of work with children over 5 with additional needs as a student. Although hubby doesn't work with children he spends a lot of time with our God Children, nephew and, will now be spending time with our new born, niece and other friends children. I think we spend time with friends and their children almost every other weekend and we often look after our God children on their own. I hope this will be seen as enough and they aren't going to ask us to go out a volunteer. It might sound wrong but on the basis that my whole career has been about working with under 5's I think I will be slightly miffed if they tell me I need more experience. Although if they do, then I will obviously go out and get it.

Here's hoping the weather cheers up by tomorrow.

Bye for now

xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Such a lovely positive post   You have a brilliant attitude to everything and from the way you write you do sound like you will be ready come November which is just so exciting! I really related to the part about becoming a parent. It wasn't about genetics, pregnancy or having a newborn. It was about that little person calling me mummy   Also my training and job was all about children, solely pre 5 and I didn't need to volunteer. In fact neither did DF because they felt my experience would support his learning when it came to a child. And your DH sounds like he spends more time with little ones than mine did so I would hope you will be fine! My experience underpinned a lot of our PAR and it was what little pink's family finder really emphasised during our linking meeting. It's all good!


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks Lolly, I'm so excited to get going and am already finding the waiting boring xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi KB,
I'm not sure if there is anything changing with regards to adoption pay but I know there are big changes coming into effect in March I believe. It's basically changing everything to make it the same as maternity etc with an employer so might be worth looking to see if it will also be changing for the self employed?


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Thanks Becs, I look into it


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

It's been a funny old week really. I've felt very emotional which is pretty unlike me. I think it is because we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this week and never dreamed we still wouldn't have our family by now. Anyway, I feel back on an even keel today which is good, although did have a little cry yesterday evening after I left a friends house. She is a very good friend and two of our God Children's mummy. Anyway, she has known pretty much everything about of journey to have a family so far and she asked last night if we had given up on treatment. I explained that we had and were looking into adoption. We were then talking about how much I love her girls and spending time with her girls but want to do some of the things we do with her girls with our own children. She said that her girls (nearly 6 and 3.5) have never asked why hubby and I don't have children before but this last week the eldest actually asked "why don't uncle .. and auntie KB have children, they'd make a good mummy and daddy". I don't know what response their mum gave them as she didn't say, as I was two busy telling her we could ask the daughter to be one of our referees rather than her      . It did make me feel a bit teary.

My mum has finished the book I bought for our families to read called Related by adoption. She said it was a bit patronising but then she has been read the adoption thread on FF so I think she has a pretty good understanding of everything from that. My dad next but I think I'll wait until we slightly closer to starting before I give it to him.

Tomorrow evening we are going to see my old work colleague who has adopted two beautiful children. I'm really looking forward to that

Bye for now

KB xxx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

On Monday evening we met with my old work colleague and her husband who have adopted. It was really good to meet with them and chat to them. They couldn't rate the VA in our are highly enough and I think have sold us on them. Their children were both under 2 1/2 when they came home so it is very possible to get little's with this agency. They showed us the information they originally received on the children so we could get some idea of what a profile looks like and showed us pictures of them now etc. We talked about our worries and fears and probably asked far too many questions. They said we can contact them anytime  . Hubby was really pleased we met them.

I went back to netball training this week after two years off as I didn't play while we were having out 3rd round IVF onwards as never played during treatment then miscarriages got in the way. It was so lovely to see my old team, I've missed them so much. Anyway, a girl in our club asked me what I had been doing for two years and why I haven't been playing. She doesn't know me like my actually team do and they have known everything. Anyway, I have always been very open about TTC, miscarriages etc as I don't think we should have to feel ashamed of it etc, so I said, I have had a lot of miscarriages so haven't been playing. She said, why are you back at netball and I said we have given up on that bit of our journey. Her response, have you thought about adoption. I said yes we are hoping to be able to adopt. Then into a conversation about why we won't get a new born baby etc etc. Another girl overheard the conversation and got very excited on our behalf, and went on to tell me about the children she had taught to surf over the summer who had been adopted from Thailand, Cambodia and China..... So it seems, everyone is going to have an opinion!

On the phone to my mum last night she told me that she had looked on the VA's website and that it said they specialise in placing children over 5 and sibling groups. I said, yes, we want a sibling group. Also, I think we exchange days etc. etc. there are more opportunities for exposure to more children's social workers these days than perhaps there were in the past, if that makes sense. I think ultimately going with an agency both hubby and I feel comfortable with is better than going with one we don't just because they are an LA and so there are more younger children. And, I guess I am naïve because I know it is cost effective for LA's to place children with their own adopters, but if they see information about potential adopters who would be the best match for a child who aren't in house I would hope that social workers go with that and putting children's needs first rather than anything else (budget)  thoughts perhaps. 

Bye for now

KB xx


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