# Moving on , When we said this would be the final attempt.



## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

Feeling really low after a horrible week. No one understands and even my husband is dealing with it and moved on. 
I'm not sure how I can move on from this and truly fed up of picking myself up and dusting myself down after each failure over the past 6 years. I'm fed up of people saying by kind to yourself, treat yourself, enjoy spending time with your husband, go on lots of holidays, plan things to look forward to. We have done all of these after each cycle and I just want to be like everyone else and have a child. I  am constantly putting on a brace face so everyone thinks I'm strong, which I have had enough of been. I have spoke to the clinic counsellor twice this week and after the ectopic and I know I need to come to terms with it. 

We had said that we were going to stop after this one it's so much emotionally and financially . I also suffer from health anxiety so had enough of constant medical treatment. But don't want to give up on my dream and love children and want to be a mum. 

My 4th ivf failed this week, 20 eggs collected and 18 were mature and 16 fertilised - all good numbers. Embryologist phoned on day 2 to say she was concerned on how they were developing as they were not developing at the normal rate. On day 3 they were 2 and 3 cells and they said they would see how they would be on day 5. I couldn't speak to the embryologist so my husband did and no transfer was made none had made any development. How can it go from 16 to zero they did say this was highly unusual and could be linked to poor egg quality although no one has mentioned this before. This was a new clinic and double the price of the previous so feel like I made a huge mistake. 

Feel so isolated, how do I move on without the usual advice xxxx


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

CMA

I've got no magic words of wisdom but just wanted you to know you're not alone. We had our 5th failed cycle this week. Same as you, I just want to be normal. I was thinking today that the majority of my 30's have been consumed/ruined by infertility. Sure, good things have happened but that cloud has always been hanging there above.

Same as you, everyone tells me I'm so strong and so brave. I just want to be normal!!.
Have you had your follow up?. I always find that good, I go with tons of questions these days and it sounds like you really need some answers about what happened.
I've also booked back in with my counsellor- I find having that space to think about things and talk them through is helpful.

I think we will do one more cycle but then that has to be it. That scares me. Thankfully we kept this last cycle to ourselves so I've just been able to deal with it on my own. There's nothing anyone can say that will help so I don't want to hear it.

So, no words of wisdom for you, but you're not alone. 
Take care.
X


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Hi guys I wanted to see how you were getting on? 

I feel like after failed FET in march we are at a big if a crossroad and no idea the best way for us to go - get in debt and try one more chance or go down the adoption route which we are both ok about. I just feel like we started out positive and now I just feel really negative thinking about another round- can't shake myself out of it x


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## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

It's so difficult isn't it. We haven't talked about it as my husband seems to just get annoyed if I'm still upset I do keep crying randomly though . As I still can't go to the gym for another couple of weeks I can't even get my life back to normal. I don't know what to do, another go or leave it and start looking into adoption process, I just want to look after someone. I guess I have picked myself up and getting on with things and it feels like no one is bothered or interested . Xxx


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## aissha (Nov 3, 2009)

It's just not fair. I totally get where you are coming from. I have been there  

If you are open to adoption, have you considered donor egg/sperm/both? I have seen a lot on these pages about places around Europe where you can be treated for less money than the UK. Maybe that could be your next option? (I read a diary about someones treatment in Norway and it seemed like a very professional clinic -can't remember if it was donor or not)...

It's a horrible decision to have to make, for me I had pretty much given up and during a cycle was arranging to go to London to the Lister as my last hope and the day of the appointment was the day I got my first ever bfp... I know it's not what you want to hear, but it really can be out there for you. There are so many variables in biology, you just never know it might be the next cycle. 
Now again, so far beyond lucky that the bfp turned into a ds  , but I was meant to stop after using up my last remaining frosted, but I am trying again. I am drawing the line at my birthday, when I will be 41. I know I could go on for probably years more, but dh is weary of the whole journey, and I have to be fair to him, for having put up with my moody insanity for 9 years of a ttc life...

I hope your bfp is just around the corner or that you get your take home baby in which ever way it takes.


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Thanks Aissha that's so exciting that you got your bfp and all worked out well. 

I am open to suggestions in terms of going abroad etc but my main issue I think is our mindset - even my OH seems pretty negative and his heart not fully in it. We went to an adoption open day a few weekends ago and it had both enthused us a lot. We now just making the decision of would we regret having not tried ivf again and having our biological child a few years later if we adopted. We are struggling with whether we would or not - I mean how do you even know?! X


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## aissha (Nov 3, 2009)

Hi DP,

I do wonder that. I have a relative in North America, who for financial reasons could never consider any treatment and she went down the route of fostering and adopting. She has had numerous foster kids and has adopted 3 (2 of whom are half siblings) and she is their "mom"... they have their "tummy mummy" as they refer to her, but I don't think she has any regrets about the way she got her family. Ok it's only one example, but I don't expect many people look at their adopted kids and wish for anything else. 

It might be worth going on the adoption boards and seeing how people there feel...

For me, when people say, oh he looks just like you about my DS, a) I don't see it and b) it doesn't bother me, it's not a big deal... the way his face lights up when he sees me, now that's the best thing ever... which he would do even if he had another tummy mummy   (funnily enough with my relative, her eldest boy (adopted), people are always saying he looks like his dad!!   

good luck with your decision, I hope you come to a decision that works for you both


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Thank you - I think I wholly agree with you - I have relatives that are adopted and i truly believe we would love any child like it was our own - I just know we would be ok. It just making sure that my OH and I are very sure that's what we are doing x


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## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 
Sorry for not posting dh and I went on holiday.  Managed to take my mind off it for a while it is still the elephant in the room and we havent yet talked about what to do next.  Although we only got back yesterday and I am crying already.  I really just want to be a mum so open to abroad, another try of IVF, adoption but im worried the clock is ticking and my life has been on hold for the past 5 years.


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Hi Cma700 do you have a gut feel about whether you want to go down the more treatment route? X


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## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

I really don't know. Would I regret not having another go but don't think I can go through it again and reading how long the adoption process takes. My head is so messed up.


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

I am with you - I am seriously confused about next steps! X


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## Cma700 (Nov 12, 2012)

Have you talked to your other half? I need to come to terms with the fact it won't happen . Hoping to talk to DH this weekend. Xx


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Yes my OH actually seems very keen on adoption but I am just trying to get to the bottom of whether that's because he didn't like to see me going through the treatment. I need to make sure is he at least 90%. That's good you are chatting - let me know how it goes x


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

sorry to move you ladies: it's just that this is the most appropriate section considering you are chatting about other options 

Xxx


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## Nic1512 (May 9, 2011)

I didn't want to read and not reply to you. 

I have been in your situation just like many others on this forum. My husband and I were lucky in that we both decided we wanted to stop infertility treatment at the same time. We had three cycles all were a disaster with only one ending with a embryo transfer. We were advised to try donor eggs as I had a low AMH and they believed poor egg quality. 

After our third cycle we both couldn't take it anymore we wanted a family and decided to move to adoption and say goodbye to any further treatment. This was the best decision I ever made. To be honest I think I had accepted after our second cycle that the odds of us having a biological child were non existent. I made peace with it, although I still found pregnancy announcements hard and we moved forward.

The adoption process was long (our fault as we decided to stop things and move house!) and we spent the time doing things we knew we would say goodbye once we had a family. We were approved as adopters and we met our amazing daughter 6 months later. I cannot tell you how happy we are that we found her, she is perfect for us. She came home with us at 9 months old, we celebrated her first birthday together and became the family unit I had always wanted.

We then had a massive shock a few months later as I fell pregnant. When I first realised (at 10 weeks) I was actually upset, I can honestly say I had moved on from having a biological child and was so worried about how it would affect our daughter. I quickly got over the shock and cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am. I now have the two most wonderful daughters who are perfect in every way. Our family was created in and unconventional way but it was the right way for us.

You will know when it's time to move on from fertility treatment, I just realised I couldn't face anymore. Please don't be hard on yourself, infertility is the most awful experience and people outside honestly have no idea how it feels. Good luck whatever path you choose xx


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi ladies

I know this is an old post but thought would chime in 

We have just finished our 8th IVF cycle with a BFN - we have not had a positive pregnancy test since our very first IVF cycle back in 2011.......some years later with various surgeries and cycles later we find ourselves emotionally drained and not sure what to do.......my DH and I have been considering adoption - we have been thinking about this for some time and to be honest had considered doing this should we be lucky to have a biological child anyway - we would have adopted a sibling........however we have received an email from the clinic (Serum) saying they feel we may have a hidden sperm DNA issue affecting implantation possibly - and would suggest before going down the adoption route to try a cycle of donor sperm - or indeed double donor cycle.......our thoughts on double donor are if we are happy to adopt then we are happy to do double donor so that does not phase us at all.......just really dont know what route to take - do we say enough is enough and move forward to adoption route, or do we have one last shot at IVF with double donor cycle in the hope this will be our time.........just not sure whether we are clutching at straws and are just going to be back to square one in a few months time wishing we had just been positive in another way.........so so hard to know what to do for the best - without a crystal ball!.........

any advice appreciated.........

Did any of you ladies finally decide your ways forward in the end?

xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Hiya,
I was in a similar situation to Nic. We did clomid, ovarian drilling, hysteroscopy etc and 2*IVF (1st round only 2eggs, day 3, BFN. 2nd round 5eggs, 3 fert, 2 day 5. BFP. M/C)
We decided that we couldn't go through the heartbreak anymore. We were pretty open to adopting as to us we felt that having a family was more important than growing one. We adopted our eldest aged 10mths and were about to adopt again when I fell pregnant naturally and had my youngest son prematurely (he's fine now). This is not to say 'adopt and you'll get pregnant' it's the exception not the rule. I have no idea how it happened as I don't ovulate properly, have PCOS, thyroid problems, endometriosis and adopting does NOT make these things disappear.
Things to think about for adoption -most agencies will want 6mths-1yr after the end of any treatment before starting the adoption assessment process. During the assessment you must demonstrate that you have both come to terms with not having biological children. 
Can you afford a child -if you've built up a debt through the IVF you need to demonstrate that you are either debt free or managing debt repayments appropriately.
They will dig and delve into your family history, relationship and support network.
You'll both need to demonstrate experience with children -nieces/nephews/friend's kids/help with local Brownies/scouts etc and knowledge of local child-friendly places to visit, schools etc.

When we made the decision to stop treatment and follow the adoption route, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was finally able to be around babies again without getting upset. But, that was us...
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best for the future.


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hey arrows 

Thank you so much for your reply. 

We are still talking and deciding. We are leaning towards DD cycle as not sure we could move forward with any “what ifs” 

Thanks again xx


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