# HONEST OPINION FROM THOSE WHO HAVE TRIED IVF BEFORE ADOPTION



## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

hi all,

I am hoping someone can at least share their experience or opinion - good or bad!

We have one BC (age 4) and been TTC no2 for around 3 years, had numerous tests (diagnosed with mild endo & PCO) but still been told no reason we cant have another BC.

we had a failed cycle of IVF in Dec and had always said we would do 3 rounds but my heart is not really into trying again and move on to adoption, I had always wanted to adopt as my dad was adopted and DH shares my thoughts but last week he said maybe we should give treatment one last try but he is happy to support me any way, its not that he has gone of adoption.

I had started to come round to the idea of maybe we should try IVF again but I do still keep coming back to adoption and I get excited by that route but IVF just has a black cloud over it, consumes your life for so long with no guarantee at the end

can anyone who has done ivf (failed or successful) and then adopted please offer some advice and do you ever regret not doing another cycle?

many thanks xxx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Umm, IVF is like a very expensive gambling addiction in my opinion  . It consumes you if you let it and it can be difficult to get off the roller coaster.

Once off, it's such a relief but you need to be ready.  

Absolutely no regrets moving on to adoption.  When I look at our son, it's not second choice, but the very best choice  

X


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi after 14 years TTC and 4 failed IVF the last in 2011, we applied to adopt oct 2013 and recently approved and waiting for a match. There is light at end of the tunnel with hopefully a positive outcome. I know have the guarantee i'm going to be a mammy and not a "if"  its a "when".
IVF is such an emotional roller coaster ride and you are right it takes over your life and your health in my case i became so ill due to the drugs. I and DH couldn't put myself through that anymore.
However i do recommend time out first before going down the Adoption route to prepare yourself for the next roller coaster.
Good luck with whatever you decide


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi Harper 14,

Me and DH went through ICSI, we were allowed 2 rounds and any excess eggs we were told would be frozen and we were told at a cost of £500 we could have the frozen embryos transferred into my uterus.

So all in all we had the 2 free transfers and a FET (which we didn't have to pay for, rules had changed), anyway we'd discussed adoption and did research into it, as we didn't know much about the process and found that adoption agencies, really want to see that you have come to the final decision of not having a birth child that you have grieved and are ready.

Me and DH decided to continue with ICSI so we could be honest and say we were ready for adoption and there we no what if's down the road, like what if we'd done 1 more round.

We both even felt that ICSI wouldn't work, well for the last 2 tries, so it was weird not getting upset that it hadn't worked.

We've now just been approved at adoption panel and I know hand on heart this was the route for us and how we were to get our children, I just can't wait to meet them.

I think you both need to be in the same place and hand on heart say what you want and then you can move forward without the what if's.

I know i've probably waffled, but hope this has helped and you have ur next child eith BC or adopted 

xx


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## fieldofdreams (Apr 15, 2011)

Hi, we had been ttc for the last 7/8 years, no reason why it hasn't worked.  We have done 2 rounds of regular IVF, 1 round of egg donation (which worked but miscarried at 5 weeks).  2 years ago I would have said i would never do egg donation, never mind adopt but as things didnt work out our outlook changed and egg donation became something to try.  During doing this we discussed next steps and said that adoption would be the next plan.  After it didnt work (August 2014), we took some time out to get our heads around everything and to be honest, I just couldnt face the thought of going through the whole IVF process again and DH was the same.  We decided to move forward with adoption, we are currently in Stage 1 of the process and wouldnt look back, I agree that when I think of the end of this journey, I know there will be a child there whereas IVF is such a lottery and one that we just werent good at.  I'm so excited going through this process now and have no regrets at not giving IVF another go.  Both of us now believe this is the way we were supposed to have our family all along, it just took us a roundabout way to get here!  Good luck with the decision, make sure it is right for both of you. xx


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I guess I'm a realist and as it really doesn't matter to me the whole pregnancy, firsts etc as I've experiences all these with my birth child and I just know we have a loving home & family to give a child who needs us a home.

Like many of you said at the end of adoption you know there is a child and with ivf it's such a lottery that I am not sure my health or sanity can take it!

It's taken over our lives for so long that I want to move on to a happy chapter and I feel happy thinking about adoption I know it has it's difficulties but I think I would find the process therapeutic as there is logic behind it where as ivf is such a gamble that with the costs etc our family life is suffering as a consequence and where do you draw the line? I have such respect for the ladies going through treatment on here but I worry when I see timelines that some have multiple rounds, go abroad have expensive tests etc and with no guarantee? I don't want to end up bitter and I think that's how I was beginning to feel instead of appreciating we have a gorgeous child and the chance to give another a happy home

X


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## millie:) (Feb 12, 2013)

To Be fair neither route is easy but we are so glad that we decided to adopt with 4 ivfs and 4 miscarriages and numerous frozen cycles and numerous complications we had enough now adoption although nerve racking is about to give us the family we so long have wished for we meet our son on Friday but take plenty of time to think about it and rest because I personally have found the adoption process very exhausting in a different way from ivf good look in whatever you decide to do x


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

My DH and I went through 3 fresh rounds of ICSI PGD. As a result we have 3 angels watching over us from the fluffy clouds 💙💙💗

I would say after our 2nd round we knew in our hearts that adoption was for us. However due to peer pressure and listening to others around us we decided to go through with our 3rd private attempt! I wish I hadn't bothered. I had no hope from the start and when I miscarried again all it brought was more pain and tears. 

Since we closed the door on treatment we both feel a huge weight lifted from our shoulders. It's been a tough year patiently going through the adoption process. It total we've waited 6 years to be a family.

We head to approval panel on Monday - a year since we began xx


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

We had 4 cycles of ICSI.  DS was the result of No 3.  When we first enquired about ICSI we were told there was about 25% chance of success for us, so we always said we would do 4 cycles.  We did cycle 4 when DS was nearly 3. It was so hard going through it with a small child, and it reinforced for us what we had always said -  we didn't want growing up thinking he wasn't enough, and always having life on hold because we might be pregnant, or having treatment, never mind the financial aspect.  We had always said we would consider adoption if ICSI didn't work, and after a longer gap than we had originally planned we enquired about adoption 4 years ago, and now have a lovely pink with us.  We certainly needed some time after the final IVF to come to terms with those we had lost.  I couldn't have gone through IVF again,  even if the odds had been better as I emotionally done.  
It's a different, and difficult choice for everyone, but for me it feels right to have 'one of each'. Both stressful and painful in different ways, and very emotional.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We did 1 round IVF (BFN) 2009 and decided to do adoption, partly due to finances. Then my in-laws offered to fund another cycle for us. We decided to do it in Feb 2010 as didn't want to wonder 'what if?' It resulted in a BFP but lost at 5wks.
We actually felt rather a relief when it didn't work as it meant we could move on with our plan to adopt. Took a long time but in Oct 2012 our son came home and hoping to adopt again later this year.


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## Polly4 (Jul 27, 2005)

Hi, 

A bit about our background - we had various ivf attempts and went to a number of clinics and pregnancies that ended in miscarriage so it had been a tough journey.  

However we first applied for adoption 2 years ago to have a standard mass photocopied sheet advising that they are not taking any more people on. So last year we applied again and were approved this year.  However I would add that we have found the whole adoption system the most unorganised, awful and exhausting experience that seemed to drag on forever last year with so many meetings, courses with some bizarre people, questionaires etc, so you both need to have jobs with understanding bosses where you are able to take time out to complete all this.

We have found that the social workers expect to be able to ring you up and you to be able to be able to speak to them at length about personal issues and have a meeting that evening or the next day.  One week after the bank holiday we had 4 meetings in 4 days, one notified the day before when my other half had something pre-arranged so I had warned them that he would be late - that meeting ended at 9pm, then another meeting the next day that ended at 9pm and then we had to take the Friday off work for 2 meetings in the middle of the day - which at short notice is not easy.  Then there are the courses which take days of your holiday leave, which believe me at the end of the process you will be wishing you could escape somewhere!

We just find that they are totally unrealistic about modern living and that we are working and cannot just down tools and meet them any time of day.  The social workers have also been unorganised and forgotten things that they had mentioned weeks before and then there is the added stress of getting it done before one of their deadlines.  Then there is having 4 very understanding friends on each side who will have to answer questions to provide a reference and then be prepared to take time off work to be interviewed by the social worker - who invaribly will have no sense of direction and arrive late. They have also sent forms with details of other potential adopters on and made a couple of other sloppy data protection errors.  So many times we have felt like walking away from it and have found it far worse than ivf and I would never, ever do it again. 

With adoption there are so many things to think about - if you are lucky enough to be matched with a young child/baby you will never fully know the family medical/mental health background of the parents/grandparents and what may crop up in one way or another in the future. Then the first name of the child that you have to keep out of respect for the birth parents... Of course you would for an older child but for a baby...? You never know what you could be calling in the park in the future.... Snickers-Martini-Chardonney-Marlboro-Lites!  There are a couple of good books on Amazon so I'd suggest doing more research.  Try An Adopton Diary, First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts to give you a bit more of an insight. 

However, personally I would stick with ivf, as after the bizarre frustrating questions about you both and your lives and significant moments (?) from birth, your feelings, questions about your family, friends, pets, finances, checking insurance policies, car mots, insurance etc,  along with the long drawn-out system of adoption and after we had been approved and matched for a child after 15 years, the whole thing killed us to the point of wishing we had never put ourselves through the system and now going our separate ways. 

I had thought the adoption process was bad, but I had no idea quite how bad it would be!! 

Good luck for the future x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Harper,
We had 2 NHS rounds of IVF. After that we were told 5% of success with a third attempt so for us it was a no brainer. We moved straight to adoption. We definitely needed 6 months off in between though. We are going to panel in July and have found the experience really good. 
The training sessions we went on were very informative and relaxed. Met some lovely people. 
All the paperwork was a bit daunting at first but we ploughed through it no problems. We have an amazing SW who has been really accommodating with her meetings, arranging them for 4pm so that we don't have to miss much work. All the meetings have been really relaxed and even my husband (who was dreading them!) said this has not been anywhere near as bad as he thought it would be!
Work and friends have all been so supportive and are all really excited about our journey. 
We are so excited about adopting but I have to be honest and say sometimes a little thought does pop into my head 'should we of had a third try at IVF'? But then I remind myself that the chances of it working were so small. What's important to us is just being a mummy and a daddy now and our route to that is definitely adoption!
Xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

My god Polly what a terrible time you've had, this is not how adoption should ever be  

Harper we moved onto adoption after 3 failed cycles. I was ready after the second but my fiance wanted to try one more so we did. My heart wasn't in it, I knew it wouldn't work so when it failed I was ready to move forward and was extremely frustrated I had to wait. However it was a good thing, we got engaged, went on two holidays, I finished my degree and we cleared our debt. We then spoke to 3 agencies and decided on a voluntary agency. Look around if you do proceed, you need to be comfortable with your agency, social worker and support package offered. We have had a brilliant and positive experience and the fear and upset that treatment caused was replaced with hope and excitement of the family we would become. Our social worker was just the best. She arranged visits around us, saw our referees in the evening so they didn't need time off work and just put everyone at ease. That's so important as you have to be so open throughout the process you need to trust them. She helped us find our beautiful daughter within 2 months of panel and from formally applying to being a family was 11 months, we are very lucky. I would recommend adoption to everyone and anyone, but I know I'm biased   I am now naturally pregnant which is crazy but have had a lot of problems. I love the baby inside me but am not enjoying this journey, whereas I did enjoy the adoption process! If someone said how would you like number three to arrive it would be through adoption without a doubt! Masses of good luck whatever you decide


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi Harper


We had two rounds of icsi on the NHS which did lead to me becoming pregnant but sadly i miscarriage both pregnancies so we have three angels in heaven.


We discussed adoption before we had even started Ivf, and said that no matter what happens if for some reason we didn't have our own birth child there was children out there that needed a mummy and daddy so that was our view.


We we devastated about the loss, and we needed a year to comes to terms with it all. So we then applied to our la.  Got accepted and went on the year long journey to bring home our son.  We wouldnt be without him for the world, he is our world.


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to respond and all share your different thoughts and experiences.

When I think of another round of ivf I feel like a dark cloud I feel like in my heart I know it's not going to work, I feel financially it's a strain and money is being "gambled" that could be spent on things for my bc, money aside the whole process put me in A very dark place and I think it shocked me as I have never been a depressed person but that is how I felt, I feel like I lost 3 months of not being myself and the thought of going through it again scares me!!

Adoption on the other hand whilst daunting and I appreciate has its own issues but they are issues I can reason with and deal with, there is a part of me excited to start that chapter and know we are completing our family whilst helping a child in need gives me a warm feeling - something ivf does not!!

I also understand how lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy, birth, etc but I genuinely don't think I would feel any different towards an ac and In some ways I don't have the grief that I can imagine some have to deal with first before moving on down this path.

I had already contacted local authority a few months ago and they need 6 month gap between ivf and application so that will be next month. We go on holiday next week so I have lots of time to talk with dh and think things over - is there any books anyone could recommend

Xx


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Apart from the Wait and endless SS visits I'd say ADOPTION! 

Through the IVF treadmill I was fortunate enough to have a stillborn beautiful boy at 26 weeks .... (enough for Us as a couple). 

Then we adopted the most amazing, incredible, fabulous boy in the world. I love him to death.

Hope this helps.   

Noodles xx


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