# Potty training related



## lisapalmer (May 11, 2011)

Dear All

DD, just turned 3, has been with us for 11 weeks now.  For past couple of weeks we began potty training because it had been started before and because when she was going to playgroup she removed her own nappy and used their toilet happily.  For 5 days she was clean and dry at home too however recently she has reverted back to not wanting to use her potty and almost using it as a control tool.  I can only put this down to a suggestion being made that we sent a card to another child she was previously in FC with as he was going to his new adopted home. Since that time she hasn't slept through the night and it seems as if all the progress we had made with her has gone.  

I think my question is, should we expect things like potty training to take a little longer anyway and/or would anyone else feel as I do that this is just a blip due to the card incident?

Many thanks


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya, 

11 Weeks is still really really new, in my opinion I would ignore what (most prabably) everyone is saying in that she should be 'clean' and just think of her as a baby, which she is.

Stick the nappies back on and worry about it when she is feeling much more settled and happy to be a big girl, at the moment she is your baby and needs to be treated as one   

My dd at 17 months didn't have a bottle anymore in FC as those were for babies    Now at 19 months she loves her bot bot and can't wait for it before bedtime, most children do regress in some areas when they come home and I think its a natural thing to want them to stay this little for as long as possible..... even though those nappies 'pen and ink'! 

Good Luck xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi! While I am still very new to adoption and so cant say whether or not the letter may have impacted in any way, I can tell you from my experience with children that this is perfectly normal. I have worked with 0-5s for 11years now and it happens with many of the children I have cared for, and is usually short lived. Equally you may find that they stay dry but have an ongoing problem with soiling. Again normal, it is a different sensation. I would try not to make an issue of it to relieve pressure, and whatever approach you take, stay consistant. Stressers can be factors in regression, but like I said, regression is natural for most when mastering a new skill. 

11weeks is not long, and im sure she has lots of other things in her head other than remembering to have a wee! Give reminders and pre warning, eg, after this story we will try on the potty. Let her bring a favourite toy to sit on the potty too! Or have a story on the potty. Let her come shopping with you to buy some big girl pants! But if it is causing distress then wait a month and try again. If she has previously had the skill she will pick it up again. But she is still young and has had a lot of changes so please dont worry, enjoy each other. 

Good luck. Love Lolly xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh and also stickers are great! You could have a sticker chart, or even decorate the potty with them to add some bling!! xxxxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Lisa and congratulations on your daughter!

I think at this early stage, you girl has so much going round in her head that I would be inclined to forget potty training and do what Wynnster says and stick her back in nappies. Forget what people tell you she 'should' be doing by whatever age and treat her like a baby. She needs to bond with you and start to feel safe before she does any of the 'developmental' stuff like potty training.

For what it's worth, our daughter has been toilet trained now for 9 months during the day. We are adopting for a second time and this week she's been very anxious as we've had a SW coming re our Home Study for no.2. She's also been very concerned about her sibling. For the first time EVER she did a wee on the floor. A proper puddle. 

A wise SW told us that our children are so scared and have control over nothing apart from what they put in their bodies (ie food) and what comes out, so often they display their anxiety in controlling food and / or bladder and bowels. (We had food and poo.... delightful!) I agree that it's likely to be the letter that was the blip. Lots of reassurance, lots of babying will go a long way.

Love the idea of a bling potty but would treat sticker / reward charts with caution. Our DD hates 'failing' at anything and a reward chart would send her into meltdown. Other adopted children wouldn't care about the reward anyway as they feel 'worthless' and they've lost everything anyway so why would they care about a reward they haven't got yet? Yours may be different but just something to think about.

Good luck and get stocked up on nappies!

JB xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Very good and interesting to hear some 'insider' knowledge! All makes so much sense. Goes to show that parenting and caring for adopted children is very different, and approaches I know well will need to be adapted to meet specific needs. Hope to learn lots more once we start our journey  x x x x x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Lolly - you sound clued up already and yes, it's so very different to parenting a birth child but the rewards are amazing! Just a little nugget before we hi-jack Lisa's post... our DD had food issues, she had a repartoire of 5 things she'd eat... we took her to our favourite Indian restaurant (we were desperate - it had been 10 months! And she loves going out), taking with us some fish fingers (they said they'd cook them for us - and to be honest she needed calories so we weren't interested in WHAT she ate just that she ate SOMETHING!) and do you know, she helped herself to naan and poppadoms!! No encouraging, nothing! We cheered! I think everyone else thought we were crackers!!! Good luck with your journey! xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Ah that is lovely! And what a fab idea! They do suprise you sometimes huh?! It shows that often the no pressure approach does work, they will do it in their own time. But goodness, it must be frustrating, and in the eating case, worrying, so it must be hard to relax about things. I just love this forum, full of little gems! Cant wait to join you guys! And in the meantime I plan to keep reading and learning. Love to you all!! Lolly x x x x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Congratulations on your LO.  As Wynnster has said 11 weeks is very early and so much other stuff is going on in her head that potty training is the last thing she needs to be worrying about.  Maybe try pull ups and have a potty around so if she wants to use it she can but without any pressure until she is more settled.  

Sticker charts - you may find they work but most adopted children have problems with these.

I'm surprised the FC had been allowed to start potty training with a move on the horizon, it really isn't a good time to do it.  You may find it will flag anxiety in her when you do potty train as she may relate it to moving again so make sure she is feeling secure and has built some trust up in you.

Unfortunately I don't think many FCs understand the importance of babying our children a bit longer than if they were their birth children.  My Son's had moved him on so much instead of keeping the cot, bottles etc for just a bit longer until he came home.  With hindsight I wish we had re-introduced these things but as first time parents we didn't really realise how important this was and no SW suggested it.

OT x


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## lisapalmer (May 11, 2011)

Dear all

thank you so much for your replies.  The dryness continues but she is chooses whether to do her poo on potty or not and I try not to make a fuss abou it.. She has a sticker each time she uses her potty and her toilet and it is covered in them now which she loves. She really does not want to go back into nappies at all.  Another thing over the past few days is that she has now taken to calling me by my first name instead of mum so somedays it feels as if we have gone back to square one with her. We shall perservere nonetheless and am sure we'll be taking steps in the right direction again soon.

Best wishes and thanks again
Lisa x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Lisa, well done on the toileting! Wrt her calling you Lisa, I think you should be clear but un emotive with her that no, she is to call you mummy now. I think it'll fall into the "fake it till you make it" category. She is obvious confused, so worth keeping it clear for her. My first ds called all women mummy to start with, his FCs encouraged him to call them mummy and daddy(!!), so to him they were just the "labels" for adults. So we just had to keep explains that we were his mummy and daddy now, and ensure he knew everyone else's names.

Hope this is helpful,
Xxruth


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