# Can a history of sexual abuse affect adoption?



## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Hey, I am only 20, and not legally able to adopt in the UK yet, I am also male.

Since the age of 13 I have always pictured myself adopting a child when i was older, it is something i have felt strongly about, I want to give a child a loving home and family, and to try give them a better chance at life.

As a child myself i was subject to sibling sexual abuse, at the hands of my older sister, who at the time was only 6-7 herself. She sexually abused me for several years, though it was only occasionally, I know people always say seek psychiatric help on these issues, but with myself i don't think i need it. I understand that the abuse was not my fault, and unlike other cases of sexual abuse of minors, it was not my abusers fault wither, as she herself was being abused (though this was unknown to anybody at the time). I have come to terms with my abuse, it has not affected my relationship with my sister at all. Nobody else, other then the two of us know of it, not because i am ashamed, but because i don't want to be viewed as the guy who was abused by his sister.

I want to have biological kids as well as adopting one(or more) children, but i want to adopt a child before getting into a serious relationship, as i have said, i feel strongly about adoption and would not want to be in a position where my potential partner did not feel the same way. 

I am an intellectual and like to delve deep into thoughts, on various topics, and i like to educate myself on most things, so know there is a sort of stigma when it comes to single males adopting a child, for obvious reasons, abuse. I also know that people who have been abused are more likely to abuse then those who were never abused, but this should not be the "go-to" thought about the topic, as it is not the case with me, and i would be lying if i have never thought about what it would be like if i abused a child (perfectly healthy thoughts, as it was not about actually assaulting a child but what the affect on myself and the child would be) I feel very protective over children, as i have seen what abuse can do to a person and how it affects them in a negative way, myself, i never really was affected by it as i understood why it happened, and overcome it. I would never be able to inflict such things upon a child, and if anybody ever assaulted a child i know in a sexual way, i would be murderous.

If, during the process of adoption, my abuse came up, and i completely informed social services of it, would that in anyway affect the decision of me being able to adopt? I would not lie to a social worker, as i understand any lies that are found to be false would affect the decision in a negative way. If i told them, would i be able to request that i did not want my family to know about my abuse or not to mention my sisters abuse to certain people, as most family members do not know, in fact my sister doesn't even know that i know.

I have asked other parts of the internet about this, but only ever received negative responses, i just hope that the same does not happen here.

Thank you in advance for any and all answers given, and thank you still if you only read and don't respond.


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

I have searched the internet for similar stories on how a history of abuse affects adoption, but have only found info on how abuse affects the victim...


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## benne (Nov 15, 2010)

Hi,

I am afraid i only have my view to offer, i would not know the facts. 

I think on the whole if someone was abused in the past and then looked into adoption, as long as that person had addressed their past abuse and that they are able to deal with things in a positive light, then adoption should be possible.
I am sure there are many people who go onto adopt having faced severe life adversities and that they are now fantastic parents. 

I am only at the start of the adoption procedures, about to start prep, so i can not give any certainties.

My thoughts are that they may be more worried about your age, rather then your past. They may fear that you are not in a stable position? I can not answer that, as i do not know you. 

I guess in summary: i dont think past abuse would stop people from being approved, it will be looked at on an individual level. However they will also be looking into other things, about your experience with children, your enviroment and support network etc.

I hope this helps.


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Thanks for your reply, i would like to note that i do not intend to start the process for several years, i would just like to get as much information as possible as early as possible.

Again, thanks for your reply, and i wish you luck on your adoption journey!


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Aldora92, I know all LA's and VA's are different, but as Beene has said it would be your age that may be a stumbling block at the moment. As far as you abuse I can only go by what happened to me during my HS. I was bulimic for a number of years as a teenager and early twenty's, for some reason my SW seemed to think that I had been abused(i haven't).
She said it would not go against me it was a case she needed to know and that I needed to be honest with her. Again I have never been sexually abused but have been badly bullied in school, physically abused and made to feel worthless by and x partner which I was with for nearly 7years, yes I know I was stupid to stay for so long. 
They will also need to know wether you have dealt with what you have been through and might suggest you have some kind of councilling.
From what I have been through in my HS I don't think you will have a problem, just be honest with them from the begging.

Good luck
Skyblu.xx


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Once more, thanks for the reply.

I too was bullied in school, on several occasions i was hit by an ex partner of my mothers, and as i stated in my first post, suffered sexual abuse as a child.

I would not lie to a social worker, even if it meant i could not adopt when the time is right, i understand that they have a job to do, and i completely agree that they need to know all truths. Despite the fact i have recieved almost all negative feedback when asking in other places (people calling me selfish for wanting to rip apart families and things) one person did say that there is always the possibilty my abuse would help, as i would have an understanding of the circumstances that an abused child has gone through, and this may make bonding with an adopted child easier.

Myself, as a person who likes to delve into thought for hours at a time, who likes to think things out rather then acting on my feelings, i think i am in a healthy position, but, if it helped i would be completely for going to some form of counselling, even though, as i have stated, i don't think i need it.

I would still like to point out that i may only be 20 right now, but i don't plan on trying to adopt for several years from now, I am just trying to get as much information as possible as early as possible.

And again, thanks for responding.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Andora, After posting to you last night, I thought of you for a while and thought how refreshing for a 20 yr old man to think of adopting and you are right you could be a great help to a child who may of been through what you have and have a great depth of understanding. While I was in bed my dh could see I was thinking about something , so I told him about you and he pointed something out that may upset you.You say that not many people know what happened to you, and that your sister was the abuser, the problem you might have is that if you become successful in going through the adoption proses, I don't think you will be able to have any contact with your sister and any child placed with you will most curtanally not be able to have contact with her.
Also your SW will have to know it was her that abused you.

I know you are a few years off this yet, but I just wanted to let to know what you may be up against.
The best thing to do is just phone up your LA or VA and explain your concerns and I am sure they will be able to put you straight as all agencies are different.

Good luck Andora and let us know how you get on.

Skyblu.xx


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

skyblu, I have had similar thoughts to that, and yes, it does upset me a little. It would be terrible  indeed.

I have thought though, that due to the fact that she is only 2 years older then me, and that her abuse started when she was roughly 5, she did not understand it, that is why i don;t really think of it as abuse, because when it happened to me she was 6-8, and she would have thought it normal behavior.

Despite the fact that nobody knows of it, it is not something I would keep from a social worker, not even who my abuser was, because even thought it may harm my chances, honesty is the best policy when it comes to the safety of children. They would need to know everything, and holding back information such as that could do more harm then good.

It is nice to see that you had me in your thoughts, and because you have helped me, with information and your own opinions, you will be in mine during the process, when i decide to start.

Thank you so much for your reply.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Aldora- I also went out with a man who was sexually abused by his older sister ,when they were children pre teens, and he didn't have counselling. He did tell his father at the time who ignored it, he also had a younger sister with chronic health problems so the family's life appeared to revolve about the younger child who died aged 16. He never had counselling etc and as the father ignored it he did nothing about it himself. He then had a strained relationship with his family and sister- not to do with that issue more a rebellious teenager that his parents couldn't cope with. He has resurrected a relationship with his family and older sister - who now has a husband and 2 kids-. He is a father now but always found commitment difficult.

I also know several single men who have fostered but not adopted. I think being open and honest is the best policy and I think what you are doing is amazing. I hope that your adoption journey goes smoothly. 
I know that you say that you are only 20, would you consider mentoring until you are ready to adopt- I know in London there are lots of mentoring scheme for under privileged children and it involves  a time commitment to help them experience a child hood and structure, but may also assist your application when the time comes, as I have a single female friend who was approved for adoption and despite being a children's nurse, baby-sitting friends children she was told she needed more experience of normal children and so she helped in a  nursery

L


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

JJ, thanks for your reply also, I find it refreshing that people on this site have mainly positive views on things, elsewhere, it is mainly negative!

Thank you for the idea of mentoring, I had not thought of this at all, and it is something I would be interested in! I spend quite a bit of time arround children currently, i have 3 young cousins all under 6, they love me, i also have a 3 year old sister and a 1 year old brother, from my father, but despite the fact i have regular contact with children, i think mentoring sounds great! In fact, even if, when the time comes, i am or am not able to adopt, this is something i would like to continue doing.

Thanks again for your reply, and thank you more for your suggestion!


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi Aldora,

Firstly,  I want to tell you how much i admire your wishes to adopt a child.  It is so wonderful that a young man who has clearly been through so much in his life wants to offer love and support to a young person who needs a family.  

I really don't want to add any fear to the adoption process,  it really is hard enough.  I just think it is only fair that I offer an honest account because you have been so open and honest. 

Myself and my DH have been really committed to adoption.  My father was adopted and i have 5 brothers and sisters who came to our family (Brothers and Sisters) through fostering or adoption.  We have a birth child and are able to have more but we really want to offer a family to a child who needs one and we feel we need to do this to complete our family. (Hope this makes sense).

We basically sailed through our HS but at panel we were deferred.  The reason for this was because there was something in our history that my family had not resolved.  This was not a major situation,  basically my DH was still married but very much separated when we first got together but my mum, a devout catholic, had disapproved.  All of this was many years ago,  we have been together 14 years and my DH was divorced a long time ago, but panel felt secrets and unresolved issues must be sorted prior to approval and any child being placed with us.

I really don't want to worry you,  every agency and panel are different.  Just wanted to warn you of something that caused us no issue what so ever but led to us being deferred at panel.  I just wanted you to be aware before you take on the emotional roller coaster of adoption,  sometimes family secrets and skeletons are the things that get in the way.

My very best wishes to you and I'm more than happy to discuss further,  please feel free to ask any further questions and i'll PM you.

Jules.


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Jules,

I came here, not seeking approval from people, with nothing but positive comments, even though this is mostly what i got, but i wanted peoples honest opinions, after searching the web (with surprisingly no results and nothing similar to my story) i really just wanted honesty.

I appreciate your response. I was under the impression that any secrets with held from social services or social workers would affect the process, but i never thought about the same being true but from family members. The few reasons i have not told anybody in my family is that basically, i did not want to be treated like a victim. I do not feel like a victim, and i would not want people to judge me, or my sister, based on our experiences. If telling people about them is likely to help in anyway, then i think that is what i should do. Though i have dealt with it in my own way, and overcome it, perhaps there is still more i can do.

Once more, thank you for your reply, and your honesty. Much appreciated!


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Andora, Big Hugs and good luck  

Skyblu.xxx


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Thank you skyblu


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

hi aldora

lovely to hear of what you are hoping to do.

i have no experience of this situation but as an onlooker reading through i was just wondering how it would affect things with your sister and you? if it means that she can have no contact with you or any child or she knows that you had to disclose this, what would it mean? i hope this doesn't sound negative but i'm just wondering what the repercussions might be if something that, until now, is only known by you and your sister might mean.  also, if she can have no contact etc, even if social workers etc don't divulge information to anyone else, how will you explain that she can't be around you/your child to any other family members? as you say, she was suffering herself and didn't know what was 'normal' and what was not but how will she react to having this brought up now and possibly being interviewed by social services (i'm not sure if that is what would happen or if you would just have to agree to no contact) but either way, if you and her currently have a relationship she would have to know something about what is going on wouldn't she? just thinking that it's important to think every aspect through and the impact it might have. 

all the best

GGx


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Hey greatgazza,

I would speak with my sister before anything happened, let her know about everything, I think I would also try to get her to open up about her own abuse (she doesn't even know that i know) I would try to get her to see a therapist or something, because unlike me, she HAS been affected by her experience. Before i made any decisions about either not adopting, or closing contact with my sister I would wait to see what any SW said to me first. Best not to make possibly unnecessary decisions. We have a great brother/sister relationship right now, but hardly see each other anyway.

Hopefully, based on the circumstances, nothing too rash will have to be done about it. But I have to think hard on both possibilities.

Thanks for your input, it is most appreciated.

Aldora


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