# Stuck in the Loss- The powers of counselling!



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear all  

I just wanted to write this and i think some of you may find this interesting and will be able to relate to what i am saying in this post.
Over the last eight months i have struggled immensely with what to do and where to go with all of this?. I made a decision two years ago to finish treatment. I think over the last two years i secretly hoping to fall pregnant, you know one of these miracle cases. Anyway what i had done was to bury it and I pretended that life was all ok. Well it hit me eight months ago and then i went on a spiral of getting upset and becoming more and more unhappy i suppose i was depressed.
Well about two weeks ago i bumped into someone i know that had given birth to twins through IVF. When i got home i lost the plot and had a pretty bad day, and my most pressing thought was 'Here we go again'...When i tried to talk to my close friend on the phone i was lost for words. Also i was trying to find comfort from my husband, but i was overwhelmed with emotion. Why does this keep happening time and time again? seeing people that have young babies and then having a bad day...
Well the answer came to me the next day and i felt it was a turning point. I sat with my counsellor and she advised that i was still in the loss stage of the grieving process. So when i come across these situations, i have all these emotions because 'I don't know how to move on' and ' i don't know how to let go'. This was a profound moment for me. It felt that i had a diagnosis and that i could identify why i still feel this way after two years....
This has helped me to look at things and i want to move from this stage of the grieving chain. I know its going to be difficult, but what was so reassuring was that she told me that she would support me through it. Well i have never been offered that sort of hand of help and it certainly is for me alittle bit of a turning point..
I now realise that i am not able to do this on my own. I am scared but i think that this is a way forward. And if i am still unhappy in a few months time, then other issues will need to be addressed. But i think this is a positive step forward...
I just wanted to share where i am at..Sorry i haven't been around and not sure if i will be whilst i am going through this, because i have needed to step back for myself and my hubby...But i just wanted to let you know there is help out there and you do not have to do it alone...

Lots of love astridxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Astrid, 

Good for you for 1) recognising you were stuck, 2) getting some help, 3) allowing yourself to let that help in and 4) sharing it here. This s*** is too all encompassing to fit under any carpet I know of, but it still takes a tremendous amount of bravery to take the lid off it all and admit you can't manage alone. Your story warms my heart, not because I wish you pain, but because you may just inspire someone else to reach out and ask. It also warms my heart because I have much faith in the counselling process and I believe you WILL reach a better place because of it and the work you do while in it. I have only had 3 sessions with my current therapist, who specialises in infertility, and already I can feel huge benefits playing themselves out in my daily life. 

You go girl, and thanks for being one of my heroes.....

MM xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Lovely Astrid

Am ina  bit of a state today so sorry not to respond in more depth, but just wanted to say how amazing you are. Things you said had so much resonance for me. I really admire you and you wish you all the best in the world with your new step forward.

How to ever let go is beyond me at times. We are currently looking into adoption but it is stirring up feelings of loss I thought had passed.
I think I will always feel that loss, even if we adopt.

I tried counselling during my final tx as I was in a terrible state but unfortunately she was not IF specialist and it was only helpful up to a point. She appeared quite taken aback by the strength of my grief and I found her quite hard to relate to.

much love to you, so glad you have got a hand to hold.


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## Guest (Mar 23, 2007)

Hi Astrid,

I am sorry to hear that you 'bumped' into another difficult situation. I understand how you feel, altough only 6 months in moving on from treatment....its so hard to know how to deal with such pain isn't it  

I am really glad to hear that you have found someone to help you deal with this, I really hope it will feel like a problem shared is a problem halved. 

As for my councilour tbh she made me feel worse, I got no strength or help in the way that you  have been offered support.....maybe I should source a new one.

Let us know how you preogress.

Love and hugs


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Ahh Astrid  

So sorry you are struggling but really pleased you are getting the help you deserve and that you have found what seems like a really good councillor.  We all miss you when you are not around but I do think it is good for you to step away from other people's situations and focus on yourself - you don't do enough of that Astrid.  You always give so much to others.

We are all right behind you and walking with you in spirit.

Lots of love always Pipkin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dearest Astrid
I'm so glad that you've found a place which is safe to go and a place where you can share your grief. 
Pipkin is right that you are such a giving person and you need some space for you.
I hope I'm not out of turn here but sometimes I think that giving so much to others is a way of avoiding the pain in ourselves ( I know, I've done it).
Take care and best wishes with your journey wherever it may lead you ( That's the best thing about journeys you do not know exactly where they will take you ...)
lots love Joanne


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Lovely Astrid

I think you're right about the grief aspect of IF - its a huge loss when you come to the end of the line, but because its not a tangible loss in the sense that other people can see someone is missing from your life, or there is nowhere to go to pay your respects, it makes the grieving process much more difficult.

I struggled for years to be able to put into coherent thoughts and words that I was grieving for how I thought my life should have panned out, how I was grieving for the family that I would never have. 

Your counsellor sounds like she is wonderful, and I am so happy you have found someone who is going to help you get to a place where you feel more at peace with yourself once again. I am glad you are investing some of that love and care you shower on others on yourself for now, and I'm very honoured to know you.

Sending you tons of love dear friend
Emcee x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Astrid that's fantastic, I'm absolutely delighted for you.  Good luck with it, I'm there with you in spirit.

flipper


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Dear Astrid

So sorry you've been struggling.  Ditto what everyone else has said to you.  We are all here behind you and totally understand that you need some 'you' (and him) time.  Wishing you happiness hun.

Nix
xx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear Astrid, I think it has all been said here very eloquently but I just wanted you to know I am so pleased you have found such a great counsellor to hold your hand through this. It is the perfect description for what is needed through this huge process. 

The very best of luck to you and your DH.

B xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Everyone
I just want to thankyou for your replies to my posting....thankyou so much i never expected such a humble and heartfelt response...May i just add everyone on here gives 100% to everyone and i am so touched that you would say so many nice and gracious things to me.. 
I just wanted to add that this has been a hard and difficult process over the last few months. I found that if you believe you are 'ok', or hide your emotions they will only come back at some later date. And that was the shock for me and my husband!. It is not a good place when you both thought you were on the right tracks and then bang this hits you in the face   . I suppose what i am saying is, it is better to try and face it, then hide like i was doing and just trying to kid myself. I know we can all look back and reflect on how we would have done things differently, but everything is good in hindsight? I suppose what i am also trying to say is it is a long process, but i have now come to the conclussion that it is about Acceptance. Such a big word and how do you accept? and its about 'Letting Go'...Ah this is the tough part because by letting go, means the dreams of what you spent so many years in trying to get, emotions, upsets, saving up and the biggest thing of all 'HOPE'. Then when that goes tits up (sorry) you are left with the reality of facing a childless future. I do understand there are other options and thank goodness there are because it brings happiness for so many people. But what do you do when you are faced with limited options, age etc? Are these excuses, or maybe just being real about yourself and facing a reality that is pretty scarey...
So heres facing another painful and soul searching journey...am i ready? are any of us? Can i live like this anymore. The one answer i can put my hand on my heart is and that is 'NO'....i want my life back....back to the person who didn't think about babies and pregnancy...I know i have a past now and it has made me a better person. But that was also a good and carefree person that i MISS dearly...

love astridx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

My friend Astrid
I'm sorry I am late to this...I really want to give you such a lot of support here, because I think everything you say sounds so 'true' if that makes sense? I am very pleased that you have an excellent counsellor, and that she is really 'there' for you. I think what keeps coming to me is how much of a process this particular type of (IF) grief is - and how it is challenged and battered every single day. I think it's so important to recognise where you are with everything, and _understand_ your feelings. I can only offer you my heartfelt support and please any time to post/not post/IM me.

Also, as you are often saying to me - give yourself and dh nice things to look forward to. Yes there is a lot you can 'do' with your life, but while your are still grieving, please don't push yourself too hard..You WILL get 'you' back - only if will be a stronger, gentler, kinder, wiser 'you' (if thats possible!)

rubyx x


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