# Where are we all......



## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

There seems to be so many of us either going through the whole infertility roller coaster or trying to come to terms with our lot in life to never have our own children, yet it seems every family member has kids or is expecting, every one of our friends seems to anounce a pregnancy like they are going out of fashion and work collegues either spend their days taking about their kids/grandkids or someone eles kids or grandkids that I just wonder where we all are??  

I would dearly love to make friends with other couples going through what we have and for just once feel normal not a minority not have to watch what I say so that I dont get the old you have no idea how lucky you are, loads of free time, no ties and my old favourite so much spare money, now I ask you I work full time am out of the house 13 hours a day commuting to and from said job, I still have a mortgage and bills so no spare money but hey no kids how lucky am I!!  AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Anyway just needed to type what I am feeling just to make myself feel better.


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

I am with you all the way! Especially re work .....constant baby chat drives me crazy. Then if you tell anyone you always hear about that mythical person who just relaxed and it happpened - or now that we are thinking about fostering - the person who adopted and then they got pregnant! AAARRRGGGHHHH


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## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

OMG!!  I have heard that so many times, 'if you just relax and let nature take over it will happen' ahhhhh!!!! 

The woman who sits behind me at work has just become a first time granny and she sits and knits stuff for her granddaughter, ok I can cope with that but would you beleive she actually makes a point of showing me the patters and asking what I think regards colours etc...now she knows all about my failed IVF and situation now and I ask you why are people so inconsiderate!!!!

I feel that this is all making me very bitter which is a very bad thing!


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

2 grandmothers in my office, 1 of them in particular hardly talks to me but goes out of her way to talk to fellow grandmothers in the office and OMG my recent pregnant collegue become the most popular person overnight. Another one of the grandmothers had a go at me when I didn't coo all over her grandson when she brought him in. In the end I had to tell her I am not good with other peoples babies...by the way I work with women who counsell emotionally and sexually abused children!!! and they haven't got a clue...if your not a mother what do you have in your life is what they are thinking and you can just see they are all glad it's not them. I actually think grandmothers are worse than mothers, the chat is non stop.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Yes - where are all of us

I have been having this conversation with my counsellor. 1 in 6 couples. Why do I feel like the only one?

No one talks about it?

Some people who have various fertility issues eventually get lucky and then all of their journey is forgotten - puff!!!

Where are all of us still going through the gruelling IVF process, who have had miscarriages and little hope for the future or the ones who have got to the end of the journey? People assume you don't want children. I find it very difficult to extract information from other childless people as I do not want to pry as I hate THAT question (you know the one I mean) myself.

I was told the other day that I am not making anything of my life. I try to explain that I can't spend thousands on holidays when I need it for IVF, that I can't be out of the country when you have to co-ordinate tests and appointments with cycles.

I was also told of two pregnant colleagues - two days after my BFN - it was put to me 'I know you don't want to hear this....but.......'

They all talk around me about their plans to be pregnant and the latest baby. I am the evil one if I look upset. I want to coo over babies, but in my own way and own time. They can't really win, because if they don't offer a cuddle then I am upset that they are deliberately excluding me in case I snatch it or something, or if they do offer a cuddle I feel forced upon.

If you say you are not good with babies or leave the room when it is too much, it is passed around that you don't want kids and are some freaky non maternal being - which can't be further from the truth.

I feel constantly sad and tearful. People are starting to avoid me as I have nothing happy to talk about. I try and put on the painted smile, but it is so difficult to join in and be happy when there is nothing to be happy about.


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## Skybreeze (Apr 25, 2007)

Everyone here has writen what I feel!!! 

Dh and I have finally come to the thinking that children is just never going to happen now. And it hurts like hell. 
There has been a birth in the family within the last few days, and I sooo want to be happy... But I am bitter?!!! Bitter that they are fertile and happy and I am not. 

Its so dame depressing. I can bearly see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to think and do other things and all I get from people is ' well you can do it, because you have no ties'.... Grrrr!! 

How do you even come to accepting this?? 

Just wanted to send lots and lots of love to all you lovely ladies, I wish I could make things different. 
Natalie xxx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Me and my DH have decided to take a break from ttc for 2 reasons really. 
1. We have been trying for about 14 months and (as you all know) things can get emotional and it was coming between us
2. We are in an iva and have decided to finish that first. 

However, I just know that we will probably never conceive naturally, because surely we would have by now if we could have.  When we first made the decision I was expecting instant relief from pressure, but instead I felt sadness and pain. However, since the I have had one 'normal' cycle and I can't explain the feeling of not worrying about when to test and whether those 2 lines will appear, or will we see 1 as usual! There have been tears the past month and I think there will be for a while, but I have also discovered that I still exist as a person (if that makes sense). Sometimes when ttc I have felt that I cannot live unless I have a baby, and I have questioned what I would do with the rest of my life. For the first time in a long time I am coming to work without watery eyes and feeling tired. I am starting to feel awake. 

There are things I want to do for myself. The need to be a mom will never leave, but I know there are other things in the world that I can get pleasure from. Just simple things. Like waking early and going outside to smell the fresh morning grass, curling up with a good book, putting on my favourite cd and closing my eyes to just float along for a while, having my stepdaughter ask if she can stay with us an extra hour of a sunday. The list goes on. 

I have also struggled with my faith (Im a christian) questioning why I am childless. I have not attended church for a while. I felt that I had to put on a false smile for everyone even though inside I was feeling so low that some mornings I hoped I didnt wake up. but then our pastor visited the other night and we talked to him - not about anything specific but just a general chit chat. And it made me realise that these people are our friends and play such an important part in our life. And we have decided to go back to church. 

For me, right now life is about being thankful for the things that I have. I have a loving husband (the best) and we have such a strong relationship. We met in 2000 and fell in love but couldnt be together as he had a family and I was engaged. Nothing happened between us except for the falling in love. In 2004 we finally go together after his wife left and I was treated badly in my relationship. Our love survived all through those hard times and we will survive for the rest of our life. I also have 3 wonderful stepchildren and I am so lucky to have a good relationship  with all 3 of them, as I know some step families really struggle. I have a good job (which in this climate I feel quite fortunate). Anyways, I could go on. But what I am trying to say is I have decided to live for now and for what I have in my life. xxxxx


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## SuzanneM (Sep 16, 2009)

I know exactly how you feel!!!  My husband has non-obstructed azoospermia and I am 40 year's old and think that I am going through premature menopause.  No symptoms; just no bleed this year so far!

We are NEVER going to be parents.  We have been married for nearly 19 years and never had protection.  I was highly fertile at one point and we went for donor insemination.  I became pregnant the second time around, but lost the baby due to incompetance from the very people who should have known better! I know this as I was violently sick for the first 3 months and was told that my pregnancy hormones were very, very high.  The trouble was, the doctor just laughed me off, but I demanded for my husband to take me to the surgery, to which he did and they rushed me to hospital because of kytones in my urine, which meant that my body was eating itself in effect!  I was on a drip for a week and the baby was fine.  Then I had an internal scan and the nurse hit the baby sack!  When I received my first antenatal appointment, I was thrilled to bits, but it was there that they found I had had a missed miscarriage!  It took my husband's strength to get past that one!!

We women have it far worse because it is natural for us to talk about having babies!  

To be honest, I am fed up with myself for my extreme jealousy toward pregnancies, so I have made myself look at pregnant women and I think it is working.

I have had the same thing said to me about children being a pain and I should feel blessed that we don't have them.  Or they say, well, why don't you adopt?

I feel sure that if there was a little sensitivity for us with our own sex, then it would help us.

I cannot even hold a baby because I am frightened that I might not want to give back!  Just the other day, a woman took her child away from me because the child seemed to be too interested in me, then later on, the same mother tried to push her child into my arms!  She knows our situation so I felt jolly angry with her, but smiled and just ignored her.

I do admit that I feel only half a woman.  There was a time, I wanted to rip my breasts off because I just did not see the point of them!

You are more than welcome to get in touch if you can cope with my extreme way of dealing with this. I have actually improved a great deal to what I was like.

What I try and concentrate on because I am a christian, that there is hope for us in the future.  Hope is a powerful feeling and I hold on to it for dear life!


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