# New Member- Looking for people who can understand



## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi, I am new to this site and would love to make contact with people in similar situations. Me and hubby have been trying for 2 years and after tests discovered hubby has a low spem count and low motility. We have had our first appointment at IVF Wales and have been told we will be undergoing IVF treatment at some stage. We are going for our second appointment in 3 weeks and I was wondering what will/may happen at this 2nd appointment? Feeling a bit all over the place as I am at the age where everybody is getting married and having babies at the moment and currently 7 of my friends are pregnant. I am obviously happy for them all but it is also hard when we all meet up and all the talk is about babies and scans and births etc..... I don't like to mention it too much to my hubby as last time he got upset and angry with himself as he say he feels inadequate. I don't like to see him hurting so much and can see that he feels guilty. How do I re-assure him that he is not to blame etc.....

Sorry for waffling on so much ha ha xx


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## itonlytakes1 (May 11, 2010)

hi kirky,
just read your post and felt i had to reply. i am usually on the male factor threads, check it out you will find a lot of lovely ladies on there who can offer you advice on anything you may be worrying about. We found out last year april time that my hubby had azoospermia, which basically means there are not any sperm at all in his ejaculate, so as you can imagine we were both devastated. We think its due to a double hernia op that he had, but we dont know for sure yet. its just so annoying when it seems like everyone else is having babies or when they try it only takes them a month or two to conceive, just makes you want to scream   i know i did lol. And then you get the dreaded question, when are you going to have kids arrgghh lol. we are just waiting to start our ivf at the moment, hubby has got to have a sperm retrieval operation to see if they can find any, and then we have to have isci aswell.
All i can say about your hubby bein upset and feeling inadequate is just to reassure him that you are with him because you love him etc and no matter the problem that you are in this together all the way. Sometimes i would find that he didnt want to talk about it at all, so i had to learn not to push it to much, just think he was trying to come to terms with the whole diagnosis and that.  i dont know about you but sometimes i would just wish that i was somehow responsible for our infertility aswell i would just feel bad for him, as i know that he is going to make a good Dad when fingers crossed it does happen. Just give yourself enough time and space to come to terms with everything. There has been a couple of times when he has said to me go and find someone else, that shocked me a bit that he said that but i just think it is a whole part of the feeling guilty part. Another thing i found was just to give him a lot of cuddles etc sometimes words cant express what you are trying to say. Dont neglect the physical aspect of your relationship aswell, i mean i felt that when we was going through this iniatially my dh liked a lot of pampering as such. Just think everything will get better with time although at the moment it doesnt feel like it, if youve got a couple of close friends who you know you can trust i found that it helped to confide in them especially if you dont want your family to be aware just yet. Anyway sorry for long post (and lecture!!) haha hope to catch you over on the male factor thread, hope i have given you some ideas anyway, if you can think of anything else just ask away i dont mind  
Gemma xxx


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## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi Gemma, 

Thanks for your reply. It has really helped and definitely helps to know that other men react in the same way. I will definitely get looking over on the male factor threads! It is so hard knowing how to reassure them etc.... but like everything I know it will just take time. 

I have actually spoken to close friends about the fertility troubles and the IVF as I found it easier to be open rather than have to deflect all the questions and comments such as "won't be long now" etc... I have found it much less stressful having them know rather than facing the comments all the time. The hardest ting now is knowing that they have all at some stage felt guilty telling me about their pregnancies (a couple of them even cried). I am so happy for them and don't want them to feel sorry for ma and be afraid to talk to me you know......


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## Samuel Jackson (Dec 28, 2010)

Hi Kirky

My db has male factors and when we were first told he was absolutly devastated and really upset, think it makes them feel like there 'not a man' if you know what i mean, i just kept reasurring him that i was with him because i loved him to bits and it could have quite easily have been me with the problems. He didnt like the fact that i was the one who going to have to go through being jabbed with injections and hormones all up the shoot etc etc all because of him, i said were in this together and if having a baby meant injecting myself then thats what it would be.  We joke about it now by saying his sperm takes after him, very laid back (as he's an Aussy and very laid back). It also helped that my brother and sil had problems and my brother had male issues as well as my sil and since talking to a few of his work colleges about us having treatment, 2 of them have undergone/going through treament with the male issues which surprised him as it is more common than you think.

You will be fine and will find your hubby (if like my db) will be really helpful with doing injections or going through the medicines with you etc.

Im no expert by a long shot but if you need any more advise i could always try and help but i know for a fact someone on here will help you out as there are so many nice people on here.

Sam x


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## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Thanks for the reply Sam, really helpful. I only joined the site earlier this afternoon and already feel so much better about things. It helps to know that there are others going through the same things


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## Lou La (Jan 31, 2011)

Hi Kirky,

I've only just joined too and we are also having ICSI due to low motility, I know what you mean about your hubby the worst part of this ttc/ICSI is watching my husband cry because he doesn't feel good enough it breaks my heart   I just keep telling my hubby that it's both of our "problem/fault" as we share everything!! and just keep telling him how much I love him. It's horrible though isn't it I also like Gemma said sometimes wish it was me with the issue only because I want to take the hurt & guilt away from him.

I'm not sure what will happen at your next appt I've only been for 1 appt then a group meeting that was a 2 hour discussion on exactly what happens (it was pretty intense but it answers a lot of questions) I'm not sure if all hospitals do a similar thing so it could be just a talk to go through the whole procedure. Our next appt is on the 14th Feb which is when we go to sign all the consent forms go through the procedure again and all our test results and they will tell us when we can start - they think it should be my next cycle!!

Good luck for the 24th x x x


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## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi Lou, 

I know what you mean.......sometimes it seems it would be so much easier if it was me and not him who had the problems, it's just so hard to see him hurting and not knowing the right thing to say. I have told a few of my friends about our troubles and the first question is always "whose causing the problem" or something similar. My response is always the same - it's nobody's fault or problem, we are in this together as a couple so it is both of our problem, not just one of us". I also say this to my husband but he never agrees......I just wish he could see that not one person is to blame, it's just one of those things and we are in it together. I really think it would help him to read some of the posts on this website but don't know how to suggest he does that without seeming a bit patronising......does that sound weird? Does anybody elses husband or partner regularly read or post on here??


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## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Forgot to say good luck for you too on the 14th Lou xx


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## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi, I am also new to this site. I am having my treatment with IVF wales which started last week, after being on the waiting list for around 18 months. Good luck on your 2nd appointment, as far as I can remember I had Clomid prescribed to me at this stage. Good luck and if you have any questions about IVF Wales I will try and help as my IVF journey chapter begins x


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## itonlytakes1 (May 11, 2010)

hi ladies,
hope you all having a good week so far, not had internet connection for few days so couldnt get on here!! getting withdrawal symptoms haha. just read your post kirky about people asking whos to blame, so annoying isnt it?? sometimes it just seems that everyone assumes its a problem with us, they dont seem to think that the men can get things not quite right with them. seems funny that everyone just wants to know whos fault it is doesnt it?? good luck lou and kirky on your appointments, am still waiting to hear at the moment its only been 2 weeks and i want to know NOW haha, drives you mad dont it??
will pop back on here later as have to get the the gym!! fun fun fun, dont feel like going today but have to stay motivated!
hi to newmum too hope you getting on ok with everything, cant wait to start treatment cant really imagine getting there sometimes but suppose i will just have to wait haha,
gemgem xxxx


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## babydreams282 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi Kirky and all other lovely ladies

Me and DH are in the same position.  I felt so sorry for him when we were told, we also have so called friends saying to us, why havent you two had kids yet "are you shooting blanks" - somethings i just want to fecking scream  .  My DH rathers that we didnt tell people, apart from close family but friends should seriously think what there saying sometimes.

You just need to be there to support each other it def isnt a problem for just him its a cross that both of you have to bear and you will go through this journey together.  You'll have good days and bad days along the way.  This site is great i know i melt my DH head sometimes, so coming on here and chatting to other ladies in the same or similar situations is a great help.  You'll also get loads of useful advice that i never would have know if i didnt join.

The worst part in this who thing is because im from Northern Ireland the waiting list is long, and the wait is a killer, how long is the waiting list in your area?

Good luck in your journey, i hope it works out for you.


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Kirkyjob8!!! This is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship, it has kept me (relatively!) sane though all my treatment. Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

You hubby isn't to blame, no one on this site is to blame for the situation we are in. It is a part of his body that doesn't function the way it should, there is nothing he can do about it, nothing that he has done that has caused it, so how can there be blame? Took me quite a while (and a lot of persuading by my hubby) for me to see it like that, I was forever blaming myself, even though we have been marked down as unexplained.

Having friends who are pregnant is something that does get to me, even now after I have had successful treatment, it just doesn't go away.

There is a Male factors section that you might be interested in ~ CLICK HERE There is a sub board called "men's room" where the men can chat, if your hubby wants to.

A Rough Guide To IVF ~CLICK HERE

Clinic support board for IVF Wales - CLICK HERE

IVF General chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or just read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

The What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) thread will give you some info on how to navigate the site ~ CLICK HERE

We also have a newbie night in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet other new members and a few more experienced (I won't use the term "old"!) members will be there to answer any questions you have about the site. CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it. We go through all the highs and lows of treatment together. You can even waffle as much as you like! 

Good luck to you both         

Sue


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## kirkyjob8 (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi everyone, been busy this week so haven't been able to get on until today. Thanks for all the replies and comments, it is such a good eeling to know that I can just come onto this site whenever I like and talk to people who understand. 2 weeks and 1 day until our appointment now, I'm counting the days down. Just hope it means we are one step closer!! I'll keep everyone updated. 

There is a bit more to my case that I haven't yet gone in to. Last year I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. My neurologist wants to start me on treatment which will hopefully slow down the progression of the disease but the treatment would mean I couldn't get pregnant for at least 12 months. I want a family more than anything so am delaying the treatment for a while in the hope that my wish will come true. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. Does anybody know of anybody on here in a similar situation? xxx


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