# aNYONE 'TRUNED DOWN' POSSIBLE MATCHES?



## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

Hi folks, this seems like a very negative thread but:-

Have you ever turned downa possible match and how did the SW respond?

You can probably tell by thread title and question this is the case for us. Did you feel supoorted or did you feel that Sw felt you were being too choosy, unrealistic etc?

Welshy


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## daisyboo (Apr 5, 2005)

Hi since sept last year we have turned down at least 6 children some babies as we felt their issues were to complex for us to deal with alot of them were medical my SW was supportive and told us we can say no as many times as we like if you don't think it's right, if we had any queries or questions she wuld go through it with us i felt awful sometimes saying no as i felt i was letting these little ones down but it needs to feel right, we have just been linked with a little one and it felt right for both of us,
So stick with it don't let it get you down you will get there your little one is out there and you will find them best of luck


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## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

cRIKEY IF ONLY WE HAD THE 6 CHANCES YOU HAVE HAD, IT SEEMS SO SLOW FOR US.


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

we turned down a match welshy before being matched with BBB. The SW was completely OK with it.....but then i always knew that whatever happened it had to feel right for us and no pressure from any one else was going to change that. Don't even consider your SW for the moment consider yourself and partner - these are tough times for you but it has to be, jst has to be right. 

one in five adoption placements break down - apparently - so i am sure SS would prefer you to say now from the outset than let it get that far.

Big hugs
HHH


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Welshy Hunny  

Don't feel pressured by your sw's response, you thought long and hard about this child so don't beat yourself up over the decision that was right for all 3 of you.

I'd give her a few days and maybe give her a ring or something to talk things through with her. 

replying to pm in just a mo


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

We turned down our first match earlier this year. We still find if difficult to pin it down to one specific factor in hindsight but at the time we felt there was something not quite right with the match mainly for lots of small things.

For example the CPRs when they were intially given to us only had the odd pages printed.

I have to say we had a very difficult meeting with our SW at the time we told them we did not want to pursue the match which we were asked our reasons in quite some detail and a felt a little pressurised to go ahead with the match.

(Suspect this is as a result of our LA not doing competitive matches and agreeing everything in the background before approaching us).

We were worried about SW's reaction to this but our minds was put at rest when another couple from our course said they turned down one match and within a couple of weeks mathed with another.

We also had a conversation with our SW a couple of weeks later once the dust had settled which also helped us.


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi there

We turned down a possible match almost straight after we were approved as adopters. The child in question just didn't feel right for us and we couldn't see ourselves being the best parents for him. Although we knew we had done the right thing we did feel very guilty for quite a while. Our s/w was very supportive of our decision and hinted that she didn't think it was a good match either. Our decision definately didn't count against us if that is what you are worrying about and although we had to wait a few more months for our ds it has been worth the wait ...

Love crusoe
xxx


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

We turned down 2 possible matches and were successful on our third match.  At no time were we made to feel that our commitment was in question for turning down children to our faces, although dh felt sure we were on a black list somewhere which is why we had to wait a further year from turning down the first child, then 6 months after turning down the 2nd child before we were offered child no 3.  We felt that we had to be 100% sure that the match was the right one for us as adopting a child is a life changing decision and 1 in 5 adoptions fail.  We are very pleased with our match and feel it is right for us and we could not wish for a better match. If the match doesn't feel right you must say no and spell out exactly why it doesn't feel right to the sw.  If they are offering you the wrong type of matches you need to put them straight to avoid wasting your time and theirs!  It is very very hard to say no to a child so I admire your strength in doing so and am 100% sure you are doing the right thing if the child is not the one for you.  When we read ds2's cpr we knew straight away that he was for us, no niggles or worries, just pure excitement.  If you haven't got that feeling or something similar then that child is not the right one for you in my opinion.


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## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

Ladies as ever YOU ARE WONDERFUL. It has been a really hard 12months for us (lots going wrong and right but more wrong). I know this was the right decision and DH is phoning SW later this week to speak to them and the reassurance I need that this is not the end for us.

THANKS A MILLION.

LOVE
WELSHY


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Welshy

We also turned down a match before our DS and were supported by our SW 100%, in fact she'd said if we had gone ahead she would not have supported it but she wanted us to make the decision for ourselves.  Its so hard when all you want is a family but you have to do what is right for you and if it doesn't feel right you can't force it.

(((HUGS)))  I really hope you get some good news soon.  Friends of ours waited 16 months from approval to their DD moving in and it really was worth the wait though it didn't feel like it at the time.

OT x


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

we turned down a couple of matches as the children just wasnt right for us, the sw was supportive of us turning down apart from one little girl who she kept going on and on about but at the end of the day, you know what you can handle/cope with and its you who will spend all the time with the LO, not the sw, so dont feel pressurized into accepting a match that you dont feel are suitable. You will find the right child eventually and you will know when its the right match.

good luck with your journey,

coxy.


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## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

Thanks again, SW said once that if we keep turning down someone might begin to think we are not serious about adoption. We have both agreed we DEFINATELY DID THE RIGHT THING THIS TIME AROUND. We are happy with OUR


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## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

decison (I was meant to say). We are loking to the future and one with our child with us (the right child in the right family).

L
Welshy


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