# adopted adopters?



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Just curious..I know that there is a few of us...most likely reliquished babies...who have gone on to adopt but just curious to touch base with some of you. I personally am very proud to be adopted and love my family soooo much. I totally believe in nurture versus nature! Family is not dna! Family is heart and love and faith and trust. And I have a wonderful family through two generations of adoption! But was wondering if anyone else wants to share their feelings and thoughts surrounding this. Xxxxx


----------



## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I would completely agree with you and said something pretty similar in my section of my PAR. I was adopted when I was almost 8. And having read my adoption files recently and saw that they said I was likely to have ended up in trouble with probation in my teens or pregnant, or worse, I am even more grateful to my parents for the love, care and support they provided me that has got me to where I am now  
My dad just beamed when we told him what we were doing and said it all sounded a bit like déjà vu!


----------



## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Me too, my family are my world, I've had a wonderful life and couldn't wish for any better, It doesn't mean however that I didn't have my 'thoughts' as to what bf were like, fortunately for me later in life I traced them and now have 2 families sort of, obviously nothing will compare to my real family that I grew up with, but at the same time Im blessed to have traced my full birth sister that I'm now best friends with and couldn't wish for more! 

I can't wait to do the same for a lo that will hopefully be our forever family too


----------



## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

Adopted at 7 but had been with my "family" since 5 months.
I had a rough start, stuff not fit for this board! BUT it was worth it to become part of such a wonderful family. It led me to my career, it led me to my partner, it led me on this journey. 
Adoption was mapped out for my beginning and end, even before I was conceived.

That's to deep isn't it? Lol


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Great topic
Ah that's a lovely thing to say Disney.  
Not me but my DH was adopted at a few months old. 
He's very proud of his family and has never traced or wanted to trace any birth family. 
I've been more curious than him, strangely since we started our adoption process. At first I felt a sense of loss that I'd never see DH with anyone who looked like him. I used to fantasise about our child having his eyes etc. But DH isn't bothered about this at all and now neither am I. 
I just know that when we get our LO   the sight of DH holding them will just make me melt. 
My sister adopted her children and I couldn't love them more if they were birth children. In fact in some ways they are much more special to DH and me because of their difficult start. 

I've heard so many times where girl friends / acquaintances want to consider adoption and the man in their lives resist it. But with us DH was on board even before me as he knows adoption can be amazing


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Phinnie...isn't it great when you prove people wrong. Sounds like you are on track to a lovely family. It was my husband who suggested adoption as mine was so happy!!
Waiting_Patiently...wow two families. Brilliant. Must have been a difficult journey to trace but with brilliant results!!how do your real family feel?
Disneyrock...sorry to hear of your hard time. I am glad you have positives to tell. 
Goofy girl....my husband is curious too. It is such an interesting thing adoption and I hope your special children are out there soon. Yes men are different sometimes with adoption not only from a tracing perspective but also from a doing adoption themselves. My dad is wonderful but he said he couldn't have jumped through all the hoops we have had to go through. He obviously loves us more than anything but he thinks the process is ridiculous.
A.f.m....the reason I am thinking about my adoption is for multiple reasons. Obviously I have two children I have recently adopted but also because I was recently reminded of my tracing of my birth family. I traced my birth family over six years ago. I found I had two half sisters and a half brother. Now I am not someone who believes blood means you automatically have something, not that I judged those who do, however the way I was treated was cold and I felt even more rejected than I did to start with(a natural feeling with adoption I think). However recently I found out that my birth mum is ill and I mean quite ill. Obviously I care about her health but I am also concerned that I will never get my chance to give my voice to this situation. Sorry if that sounds harsh but i need to know things and she hasn't told anyone. She is not like me in so many ways though I wonder if I should bother. Am I just going to get hurt. I have my families support of course but I don't know what I want. My birth caused her family to disown her and she has never seen them again. I do feel guilty and I have a huge urge to say sorry, and most of all thank you. Thank you for doing the hardest thing in the world and thank you for giving me the life I have with a wonderful family. That is it, but why does she not want to know. We have not had any contact ever but I have emailed my half sister and she never knew about me and she spoke to my birth mum and she wouldn't speak about me. We have had no contact now for six years and I think I have to try again, but what an awful time. So confusing......sorry for the unload but it helps to write it down. Oh and what makes it worse is the only contact I have is via ******** which is awful. 
Love to all


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Oh no that's a tricky one Fran. 
Sounds like a high probability of getting hurt. 
In my experience some people, more so in my parents generation, don't face emotionally difficult things and brush them under the carpet. It may feel just too painful for your BM to consider facing her feelings now. Also she must have had some real guilt and again may not feel able to face it. 
But it is extremely unfair on you. 
Her feelings may change given that she is ill but not necessarily. 
I'm so sorry you're in this position I can't imagine how tough it must be to make this decision. 
Good to hear that your real family are so supportive. 
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. 
Hope things are good with your LOs must have been really tough going at first. 
xxxx


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

It does doesnt it. But also it sounds like if I dont do it I could be in anguish for a long time! Have to see what happens cos I dont think I cant not do it. 
As for my kids...well we had lots of teething problems and my relationship with my daughter is not always easy but we are getting there and the love is always strong. As for my son bar being a tornado he is a complete joy and makes me smile every minute.  It can only get better!!! 
By the way we were at panel in June. Its a good month x x Xxx


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Yeah sounds like you need to go for it. At least you won't be wondering "what if" in the future. Very best of luck, I hope you get some answers at the very least. And if it goes badly your family will be there for you. 

Thanks for sharing how things are going with LOs, sounds really positive and rewarding. And like you're doing an amazing job. I do have some idea how hard it is because of my sis and her kids. I fully expect to feel pretty dreadful at times but know we can never really prepare for what's in store. But still looking forward to it so much. 
Roll on June!! 
Happy Mothers Day to you tomorrow  
xx


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I hope you don't mind me gate crashing this thread as I'm not adopted but I have to say how lovely it has been reading your stories. It has done my heart such good reading about how happy you are with your forever families. I think as an adopter it is my dread that I keep trying to ignore that one day my little man will turn away from us and will choose his bf. after reading about about your experiences it has helped me understand (and I know they go through this in SOOOOOO much detail during prep) that looking for ones bf does not mean you are rejecting your forever family. I know this is something you are expected to have come to terms with and embrace by this stage but I have to be honest and say it is still something that I find very difficult and this thread has certainly helped.

Fran - what an awful situation to be in. Clearly no one can decide for you. You have a wonderful forever family who so obviously mean the world to you but I understand your predicament. Personally, I feel you should give it ago. Yes you may get hurt and no I can't imagine how tough that would be but I can imagine the 'what if's ' that may be swimming in your mind for the years to come if you choose not to. Sometimes we do things that in hindsight we shouldn't have but I think there is nothing worse than regretting something you didn't. Xxxx

Take care all xxx


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Ah Flash glad to be of service. If I could shout to the world how much I love my family and how adoption is awesome I would. 
As for the other matter Goofygirl and flash...thanks for normalising it. I am only human and yes I am going to get hurt but with such love around me it is worth the risk!!! And yes the regret would be awful!!! 
Have written email but dont think it appropriate to send it till after mothers day. In fact that would be a terrible thing to do. 
Love to.all xxxxx


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Good luck Fran, really hoping for you xxx


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Here's another non-adoptee but proud adopter saying thanks for this thread which has made me tearful (in a good way) as hearing you all say your families are just that and your birth families, whether you have traced them or not, can't replace that is incredibly special and I sort of needed to hear it really. I want my little ones to have whatever contact they choose with their BF when they grow up, but there is the natural insecurity there about that in me, even though I know the BPs are going to be an epic letdown if they do meet them unless miracles occur over the next few years.

Fran - I hope you get the outcome you deserve, because you are a very special person and a very special mummy.

X


----------



## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I will be thinking of you Fran, good luck in making contact and I really hope you get a positive outcome. Big hugs   at what must be a difficult time all round xxx


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks ladies. Email was sent today..so the wait has begun. 
Mummyelf..you are welcome. I am writing to people who feel like aliens but the love I have from my real parents is immense! They are far from perfect of course but that makes us just normal. Nurture certainly wins over nature in my mind but it doesnt quash curiosity of course. But if you embrace that then you will always be on top. Xxx
thanks Lolly, xxxx


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Fran, I think saying those things to your BM would be a wonderful gift of peace to her.  

I wasn't adopted (as far as I know, LOL!) but my Mum was, and I grew up knowing that your family, and your parents, are the ones who care for you and love you.  It was natural for me to turn to adoption, I was stunned DH felt the same, and as soon as we did we knew we were where we were meant to be.

Much love to all.


----------



## moggle (Nov 28, 2013)

Hi, I am not an adopter nor adopted but when I saw this thread on the sidebar I was reminded of this article in the guardian a couple of weeks ago about a family with 3 generations of adoption, and thought it might be interesting to you:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/15/three-generations-adoption-daughter-britain


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks Aoc. I really do hope she sees it like that!

Thanks Moggle. Yes I read that! Great article!!

I think adoption should be nationally promoted! Another article i found is http://www.theguardian.com/society/adoption....offers an interesting read. However I do find it interesting how the sympathies can lie with birth families. In fact it disgusts me. These children are being removed for serious serious reasons. Having been witness to the removal of children through my work I don't know how sympathies can lie with them. Admittedly not all adoptions are like this but the majority are. These families are not victims, the children are. My kids went through hell and should have been removed well before they were.

Anyway letter has been sent to my bm and I have had no response. I kind of dont expect one but it seems I am waiting for lots of things at the moment!!

Oh well at least I have lovely kids!!!!


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Hugs, Frangi, you're very brave.    I do have to say that in our case the BM was very definitely a victim, and she tried very hard to be what Bug needed.  But our scenario is quite unusual, and I am often surprised, as you are, how the media sympathies seem to be with the birth family.  I think it's tapping into all our deep seated fears about losing a child, but thinking of that in terms of our own lives, not the abusive situations the children are in.


----------



## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi Fragi, I'm adopted also and have adopted my own little girl (well currently BP is contesting but that's another story/thread)

I love my family to bits and I am so grateful and happy they adopted me. As a child I always knew I was adopted and didn't think about searching for Birth family till something tragic happened to me and I felt all alone. The flat I bought and owned as a single independent 30 year old had a fire above it and I spent the next 12 months in hotels and rental accommodation. I could have gone home but I enjoyed my independence too much. Any way I was quite lonely all friends had serious relationships and I felt I had lost everything I had worked hard for. So I decided to contact after adoption and my Mum came with me and I was given information on my birth family.

I am so thankful to my Mum and I really hope I can be as amazing as she is to me. I feel very very lucky to be adopted. 

I wouldn't  be who I am today if it wasn't for my family who adopted me

I met up with BM and half sister and her children my nieces I guess. It was very overwhelming and I realised I was so different from them I decided not to meet up again. A few years later My Birth Grandad and half brother also wanted to meet which I did with my husband (by this time I was happily married) and I have met with them a few times since and keep contact via text, letter etc. My birth family all knew about my adoption as a baby and too be honest seem to want a relationship more with me than I do with them. I have my family and now my own little family and I feel I am so different to them, it is very confusing but I kind of think I have to do the best for me and if that's not seeing them then that's what I will do. 

Sorry for the rambling and I hope this helps you a little x


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Newmum, you words did help. In fact I read it out to my husband and he felt better for it too. Obviously he loves me so wants the best for me. 

Well folks...its been three weeks and no reply. I did get in touch with my birth mums daughter ie my half sister and she was happy to hear I am well and I told her I had contacted her mum. She basically said that it is in her Mum's hand and there is nothing more she can do. I did think my birth mum was ill but it turns out she is just having a hard time. Oh well my journey in life as adopted adopter continues!!!!! Xx


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Frangi that's spooky, I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how it was going. 
Was hoping you would have heard something back from BM   sorry to hear that isn't the case. 
Big hugs to you and your own lovely family xxxx


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Fran, I'm so so sorry you haven't heard anything back yet from your birth mum but I still think you did the right thing. I have no idea how much this could be hurting you but what you did was one of the bravest things an adoptee could do. I would be proud beyond words if later in life, little man showed that courage if faced with a similar dilema. I actually feel sorry for your birth mum because due to her decision she is missing out on the chance to get to know a fine, good strong young lady  who is proving herself to be a wonderful mum. 

Take care xxx


----------



## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks frangipani, it's such an emotional time for you, you will be feeling all sorts of emotion.

With me I wanted to know what my BM looked like, we didn't have life story books then like we do know. Is it the same for you?

If BM gets in touch she will at her own time, mine wrote me a letter to my work place after our meeting with phone numbers on, but I didn't get back in touch, which wasn't an easy descision. Your BM has some kind of issues going on by the sounds of it and when she's ready she will contact you. Stay strong and what will be will be and I really hope she gets in touch you deserve that much x x


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Goofygirl...thanks and you r right it is quite spooky! And nice that you were thinking of me. Xx

flash...seriously what a wonderfully lovely thing to say. Sometimes I feel like its me, sometimes I burden myself with the guilt of my birth. I found out years ago that because of my birth her life fell apart and she has never seen her family again, some of whom have passed away! My family tell me I stupid to feel guilt...but sadly even though I was a baby I do. She lost so much for me, and now it seems she is terrified to even acknowledge my existence. I dont want another mum, I have my real parents who loved me from the very second they met me. But I would like to make peace with her, to ask about the other side of my conception and to thank her for my life! So you see Flash...you words me a great deal. So thank you. 
Fortunately or unfortunately Newmum I do know what they look like through the eyes of dreaded ********! I look like my half birth siblings but not my bm. I do hope she finds the strength to reply...my dad ever the practical thinker, thinks I should just turn up on her doorstep but he just wants it to be in my hands not hers. Thanks for the insight. Its a strange concept really wanting to have contact but not a family! 
Thanks for all the support.  
For those reading worrying about this from an adopters perspective. ..I couldnt love my family or fit with my family more and I am proud of adoption. I think it is brilliant, complex and sad sometimes but brilliant! 
Xxxx


----------

