# Two types of emotion



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Me again!!!!  Yesterdays PMS nightmare brought about some interesting thoughts re the two types of emotion that the childless path can put us through which I thought might be helpful to share.

This morning whilst talking to my lovely DH (whose poor work shirts I have cried  mascara all over several times this week poor man tee hee!) it suddenly hit me how we are dealing with two very separate boxes of emotion.

*Emotion box No 1 *  - This is the box we have full of all those deep and painful feelings associated with not being able to have children i.e the feelings and emotions associated with loss , grief, disappointment, failure, lack of choice, discrimination, isolation , anger  and low self worth to name a few of the different and varying feelings this whole area can trigger for different people walking this journey.

The above feelings, like any sort of bereavement come and go, sometimes they hit us daily other times we get a week or more as times moves on whereby we are less invaded by them. What really struck me today was how whilst carrying and trying to lessen the load in box number 1, which for people with other types of bereavement is their one central box to have to contend with, those of us in the childless not by choice category, suddenly have another whole extra box to balance . . .

*Emotion box No 2*  - This box is the up and down emotions brought on every month by our natural hormones in relation to our cycles. This box has for many of us always been a pain and been there since our periods began. Regardless of what is happening in our lives, i.e things might be going well, or going badly it just comes and does its thing, causing us to feel waves of intense tears, anger, depression all purely as result of hormone levels rising and falling. Many of us had just put up with this for years as an accepted part of our hope to have family, and before we knew we couldn't have children it probably just seemed irritating but tolerable as at that point it still had a future function and purpose. However when this is proved to be fruitless that endurance goes, and all that is left is the having to juggle a box of nasty hormone irrational emotions ON TOP of the real tough emotions from box number 1 !!!

*Is it therefore no wonder that some of us feel so wiped out and overwhelmed when suddenly every month we get box number 2 thrown at us. Most people not in our position would struggle to cope with box number 1, so is it no suprise it is so hard for us when we get box number 2 thrown at us also every month, especially as it is completely related in subject reference to the trauma of box 1. That is what makes our grief so UNIQUE is that unlike any other bereavement, on this one we have to endure a month in month out direct subject relevant reminder of the cause of our grief.*

*If you separate the two boxes, or could indeed totally remove box number 2  just imagine how different the recovery time and whole experience would be. This is maybe why friends and family who as the years go by think we must have progressed a bit than perhaps some of us have, just totally forget that every month our grief is compounded and forced upon us with our hormonal cycle.

It therefore perhaps helps explain a little why so many of us feel like we take ten steps forward (with dealing with box 1) and then ten steps back when box 2 descends. To measure our true progress perhaps the time to do this more accurately is before box 2 comes and gets us i.e. that small window early/mid cycle when we are just left with box 1 to work through, as when we have to contend with both, the system is just flooded and it is all some of us can do just to swim to keep afloat!

Not sure if I have managed to convey all this very clearly, but I sincerely hope it helps in some tiny way to see just how much we guys have to carry in this unique situation and why at times we feel reduced to zero even if in box number 1 we have truly made some progress .

Love
Hippy
xxxxxxx*


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hippy, it makes perfect sense, and very elegantly expressed. I like the metaphor of having 'boxes'...it can sometimes feel like the contents of one or both boxes are overfilling and tumbling out onto the floor in a terrble heap!

I think the other thing for me about why this bereavment is unique, is that unlike other bereavments there is just a huge gaping hole where normally you would have some tools to help process the loss and begin to come to terms.

For example:

There are no happy memories of the one you have lost to comfort yourself with (only bad ones of failed txs), 

There are no ceremonies or rituals to say goodbye (who would I say goodbye to? The children I thought would be mine do not exist )

We cannot celebrate the life of the person gone, because they never had it.

There are no photos, letters, gifts, to trigger memory of shared experiences.

And to compound it all other people do not even see it as a bereavment.

Don't get me wrong, of course I wouldn't want to swap IF for losing a loved one  - the worst thing that could happen to me would be to lose DH, far worse than IF - but it certainly does make the grieving process very difficult for us to tackle because we are trying to say goodbye to something before we ever had it in the first place!

At one stage I tried to think of a moving-on ritual for me and DH, but nothing seemed appropriate. I had various ideas but they all seemed to just highlight the lack of something concrete to grieve for. I gave up in the end!

xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Hippy and Ermey,

Very interesting points and totally easy to follow thanks, Hippy hun. Hope you are feeling better. 

I do think that the monthly cycle can be a big part of the issues we face. As you say Hippy, we put up with them when we are still planning a family/ttc and then they become just a physical burden when we give up. 

But I don't feel my period box is separate to my IF box.  I was offered the opportunity to "get rid" what you call "box 2" through a hysterectomy (On the NHS. Thanks NHS, IVF on the house would have been preferable!) But I turned it down - probably at the time still hoping for a miracle very deep down! 

I'm not sure a hysterectomy would have helped me to move on any faster, just got rid of the PMS and pain. And then there would be the menopause hormones come early. 

As part of my treatment I was on hormones to suppress my cycle for months at a time as as this was supposed to reduce the size of the many fibroids. The consultant said I would be in a menopausal state. The hot flushes were uncomfortable and very embarrassing during meetings and teaching, the night sweats left me exhausted and the frequent bursting into tears was bewildering, I cried more then than at any time of my life.  In a natural menopause or one from a hysterectomyonly you could take HRT  - more drugs which I don't want, I have had enough of them.

I wonder what friends who have had a hysterectomy or are post menopausal think?

LOL
Jq

(By the way Hippy, I forgot to say re Susan M Lark that as she is a doctor she does deal with things from that viewpoint. The book I had explained very clearly that nutrition can affect hormones.) She offers a holistic approach that combines "normal" medicine with nutrition, exercise and other "alternatives")


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hippy,

WAW, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head here ....  Your post touched me deeply and brought a tear to my eye ...  I could relate to it so well.  

I think for me, one of the most difficult aspects of the IF is the sheer lack of understanding (Ie.  the box number 2 part)  For me, I found every waking minute of the day to be a "box no 2" emotional nightmare. 

Like you say, it's so frustrating that people think as the years go by, you just "get over it" or learn to "cope".  With other bereavements, in general, as the years go by, there tend to be only annual reminders but with IF, as you say, it slaps you in the face every single month.... and often twice.  In the middle, you think about "ovulation" and then 2 weeks later, you're hit with the wicked bit*ch. 

IF is so overwhelming I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I don't really know what else to say, but thank you for articulating the feelings so well.  I really feel deeply moved that you were able to hit the nail on the head so much.

Take care of yourself and thank God for FF!
Love Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Hippy and Girls
I have just read your posting and as everyone has expressed, it is so wonderfully written with so much depth and feeling. Actually i never looked upon it as box no 1 and box no 2. But this certainly makes sense to me. I think really there is little repreive from both and it is definately a hard and emotional struggle. I suppose as long as we are women, it will never go away. I think i am now going to look upon and adress things in what you have said because it will make it easier to separate the two..

I loved your posting Ermey, i think you also hit the nail on the head...Along with what you have written i would like to add some comments from different people over the years. The invisable persons that we are, because there is nothing to identify our loss.

1. How can i explain the loss of the embryos because to the general public this does not mean a single thing. It was something that was between my hubby and myself.
2. I felt guilty for allowing myself to grieve because i had nothing to evidence my loss. 
3. I was told oh well its over now, so you will have to get on with it. It was as if it that was easy, because we called it a day and thats how i was treated from that point..its over..
4. Maybe you can adopt? Thats a completely different issue i haven't come to terms with my own loss yet.
5. Its your age? you will have to face it now as you are not getting any younger..why does that make any difference if you feel empty and lost through it all..
6. You can have freedom, go on holiday that will help.
7 My all time favourite saying from people 'It was meant to be, you will find out the reason why one day?
8.Not everyone understanding the tears..?

i feel better now, needed to get that off my chest..Thanks for a great post!!

love astridx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Hippy
you've hit the nail on the head. I always find sea sawing emotions thru my cycle very disquieting. I've always found hat before ovulation and as my oestrogen levels increase ( the only exception was when doing IVF I was on gonal F and felt very bad!!). I think those good feelings make the second 1/2 of the cycle even worse!
I always try to imagine what it would be like to be a man and not have these cycles. I guess that it why the experience of infertility is so different for our DH's.
I always think the secret to PMT is to plan ahead and have some nice things organised ( a nice bottle of wine in the fridge also helps!!)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Hippy

Lots love and hugs
Joanne


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, i have experienced Box No. 1 first hand as well as box no.2.  My darling older brother died when he was 22(i was 21 and very close to him). I watched mu mum and dad both fall apart (separate times) but eventually they put their lives back together- had 4 other children you see to keep going for.Youngest was only 12 at that time.

I know they will never get over that loss but theyfinally can manage it. I suppose thats what our first box is like,eventually we learn to deal with the situation.. But hippy you are so right that we are reminded every month without fail what we will never have whereas i suppose with the loss of a loved one time stretches on and sometimes we are not as aware of our loss from month to month. Usually year to year in my case when i think of my brothers bday, Christmas etc.He is always there in my mind but the memories arent so raw.

With if it is there all the time at the moment. Maybe when we are older and without af- will it make a difference


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Hippy, I can completely sympathise and empathise with the PMS and the two boxes make complete sense to me too.

Before treatment I used to suffer terrible PMS, I ended up taking the pill to try to control it (which felt very odd for somebody who wanted to conceive) and was convinced I was addicted to the pill.  I used to get four or so days before my period of a mix between uncontrolable rage and a face like a zombie!  It was so bad that I had to plan my life round it and worried what I would do if I was denied the pill.  In fact I became so irrational I'd spend the rest of my cycle patching up the havoc I'd wreaked during PMS!

Since the IVF I haven't had the pill since and know I'm perimenapausal, I seem to have developed a post-menstrual sypmtom of depression.  For a couple of days after my period I feel numb and disconnected from the world, like I'm at the end of a tunnel with no light.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say apart from box No 1 is enough of a challenge isn't it without box No 2 heaped on top, or visa versa?  I tend to keep my feelings bottled up though and wonder if, in a fatalistic way, whether Box No 2 forces me to experience feelings which i would otherwise avoid and wonder whether some higher force is looking after us in a way (even if we'd rather they didn't at the time).  What I do know is doesn't feel very helpful at the time to say the least!


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