# ANYONE LOST CONFIDENCE WITH ALL OF THIS???



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Girls,

I wonder if any of you feel the same .......

Last night, I was out at a local charity event.  I live in a small town where everyone knows each other (unfortuntately).

Anyway, I've noticed recently that I'm starting to dread events where there are lots of people there.  Even family parties and things.  I used to be the life and soul of the party, full of confidence, full of fun and full of mischief.  Nowadays, I dread these events for fear of the usual questions.

I go along, and I feel so alone, so isolated and so "weird" compared to everyone else.  It seems EVERYONE elses lives and worlds are SOOOOO far removed from my own.  Its just another painful reminder - and you know they're b***dy everywhere .  Its horrible.  I never anticipated how much this would affect everything you do.

Feel quite down about it .....  

How do you get back to that person you used to be before all of this?  I dont want to change .....

Any thoughts?
Thank you my friends
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Gill
So sorry that you are having a tough time...
Yep you are so right about feeling different and isolated. It a horrible feeling, it is as though you do not belong!!! Its awful, i always used to feel like the 'poor woman who cannot have children, but she has a dog'!!! You are so right it really does knock your confidence. It makes you feel so crappy and its as if everyone is aware of your desire for a family.
I think to be honest Gill, these feelings are normal when you are stuck in the middle of this IF. Especially when you are not sure which direction you are going to take. The feeling of everything being taken out of your hands...the loss of hope. Of course you feel very sad at the moment.   
I always wanted to find me when i was lost in the midst of the IF journey. As you say the old person who used to laugh and have fun. Well that does come back with time, but as a different you, a person who has more depth and compassion in life. I am sure you can already see a very more caring and empathetic person. So you do gain some really good qualities in the end, but its sad to say at a 'high expense'...
But how do you get there? How do you deal with these events that are bothering you at this moment..This is the question All i can say Gill in all honesty, i am not sure when it happens, i just think its just a process..not an easy one, but it will get better with time...( i hope that doesn't sound condescending).
Its painful i do understand.....you deserve so much more than this, you are such a lovely person..
Thinking of you..
love astridxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

Waw, you always manage to hit the nail on the head, " ..... it's as if everyone is aware of your desire for a family".  ABSOLUTELY right!  You feel as if everyone can "see into your head" and is aware of your pain, like you say, "that sad lady that can't have children".  It's so crap.

Came home and bawled my eyes out .......

ANyway, it's snowing up here in sunny Scotland - I'm looking out the window onto the fields and everything's white  -  it's actually quite therapeutic.

I hope you're having a good weekend pet,
Take care
Love Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Gill
I hope that you are feeling alittle better today....
I know what you mean about being exposed and feeling vulnerable in those situations...
I have started to switch off and started to change my mind set and it really is beginning to help...I try not to think to much and switch off ...and try and find a way to enjoy myself.
Gill you know that book that Lucy has suggested to everyone (childfree and loving it) have you thought about purchasing it?.Its like a self help book and its like a little miracle book in itself...after reading it, it gets you to look at things differently....I know you cannot run away from this crap, but there are ways to help us cope with these difficult moments...and also to look at some goodness that we do have in our lives at present...( i hope i am not preaching)...
I cannot beleive its snowing in Scotland, i love the snow.  How about taking Stuart outside for a snowball fight. Great way to get the emotions out and to have some fun....
You know where i am....
thinking of you...
love astridxx
Its non stop raining down here...strange...


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## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

I have lost confidence since my Fertility journey has taken over my life.
I am more of a nervous person now.
I cry at the drop of a hat. or watching anyone do something nice with their kids that gets me everytime because I think will I ever have that. 
We went to look for house today they asked you got a family (it was an innocent question) but I felt like shouting no you got a problem with that.
My husband and I are a family.

I have heart palpitations now and again for no reason except panic.
I even went through something was wrong with my throat saw the doctor and he told me it was panic attacks I was so embarrassed.
So yes anyone in the same boat I have total empathy for you


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Gill and girls. You are going thru all this at the moment Gill because you are undecided about the future and more treatment. When we gave up after the iui last year i was so bad but gradually started coming round again.Then when my sister announced her wedding on boxing day i hit a real downer as i started to worry about the wedding and all those questions again. However it is going to be a small wedding and our saving grace is that my stepdaughter will be with us.

When we meet new people they assume she is mine so i suppose in that way it is easier. Tho i get all those questions from people you meet from childhood who have all moved on and had kids. I make a joke when they ask did we not want anymore!!!  Cheek! and say well " she is enough of a handful" and she  was very young when i met her.

But it doesnt stop the yearning.Then as you know i was waiting to see if i was getting clomid- still waiting! But for the first time i started to think that i wasnt sure i wanted to continue with anymore treatment for my own sanity and the sake of our marriage. I have decided that if i am given the go ahead i will complete the treatment and if not i will not force the issue. Of course next year i may completely fall apart if my sis announces she is pg!!! My dh and i have alot of issues to sort out still but we are trying to.

Pebbles, i also suffered from anxiety and panic when i went thru my first batch of tests. My pulse rate was way too high , i had palpitations and really bad headaches.Plus i wasnt sleeping. My gp put me on beta blockers which really helped me- you could look into that.It is an awful feeling! I hated going into my staff room etc. One day i was at cemetery sunday(you know when the graves are blessed) and i saw a friend(now an ex friend) who was 8 mths pg.As i was going thru all my tests at that particular time  i had to leave- i almost collapsed and my dh said i went completely white.

Gill we are all here for you and we will always have bad days. But eventually i hope it will get easier for us all xxxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Girls
I can totally sympathise with this. I too have lost confidence. I used to be a 'do-er' and always eager to go to family and work occasions... now I shun them, always 'too busy' or 'too ill' to attend. I've changed so much... and I don't really like the person I've become. The trouble is, I'm now at the age (42) where people have stopped asking dh & I if we're going to have children. The ones who don't 'know' think I'm either 'selfish' (I've been told that) or 'too career-minded' not to have a 'family'... 'tick-tock... time has run out for you!' (that too). The ones who do know about our IF feel sorry for me. I'm either a b!tch or a figure of pity. So, I don't go to occasions where I know I'll be hurt.
I'd like to offer some hope, but I haven't got to the stage where it has got better... I just hope I don't turn into a lonely, bitter old woman.
Sorry to sound so negative... you all seem to be coping with this much better than I am!
Love EML


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Sorry eml that you are going thru this all too. Its horrible having to turn down things because of how crap we know it will make us feel. Do you have nieces or nephews that you can spend time with? I am the only one married in my family at the mo, but 2 sisters getting married this year and next.Brother also settling down. I suppose once i get over the initial feelings of jealousy, anger etc when and if they announce pgs i might take some comfort from spending time with their kids. Of course it might make me feel worse  but some nieces become very close to their aunts as they arent as strict as the parents will be. We all have really bad days and months as you will see if you stick around here. You are not alone xxxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Irisheyes... sorry, its probably just a bad day for me.
In answer to your message, yes, I have one neice (my dh's brothers child, my sister had endometreosis and couldn't have children herself...she has found solace in religion) and she (my neice) is aged 3 (the age ours would have been). I have never been able to bring myself to meet her. Luckily she lives so far away and their visits are rare. I can't watch while my witch of a MIL fusses and brags about her achievements... and they only ever visit 'en masse'. My MIL has never tired of pointing out that dh's brother is the lucky/clever/healthy/stylish/richer of her sons...even suggesting I picked the wrong brother to marry! She has even suggested that if dh had 'slept with 100 women, he'd be a father by now'. She constantly sends us photos and progress reports by email of 'our gorgeous grandchild' and has just written her (unpublished) life story where she gushes about BIL/SIL/said gorgeous grandchild... showing photo after photo of their 'happy family' (even including pre natal scans)... and left my dh (and of course me) out of it. My dh is described as a 'difficult child who has grown up better than we had expected' and I get one paragraph which details my IVF 'disasters' and the fact that I'm 'hormally unbalanced'. She decided to give us all a copy over the weekend during my BIL's most recent visit.
You might guess that this is my reason for today being a bad day.
Sorry to gripe. I do appreciate the support and help I get from this site... its the one place where people REALLY understand what its like to be me.
Thanks for listening and for helping.
Love EML


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Oh my God EML,

I'm so sorry you're being torchured like this.  (sorry for the strong word here)  As if all this isn't bad enough.  I know it is so hard to switch off from hurtful comments.  I guess this is something we will all learn to do over time .......  

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have a good and strong relationship with your DH.  How does he feel about all these comments and the "biography" with that hurtful para. about your difficult journey with IVF?  How does he cope with it?

I'm just glad you've found you can get support on here - that's what it's all about and we're all here for you.

Take care, stay strong - you are stronger than you think - you need to be to get through what you have ......
Love Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Yes eml, that is really hard to take!! It is probably hard for you in truth to see your niece due to your circumstances. I hope nothing like this happens with us if my sister does go on to have kids. However she lives 100 miles away and i suppose that means i also wouldnt have to see her as regularly if i didnt feel able.

My dh's family all have older chidren so at least we dont have it from that side and his brother(closest in age to him) and wife also have no children. Mind you his nieces are having babies now!! 

Hang in there and come and moan to us!!


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi girls 
this is my 1st time talking to u as ive been posting on other threads 
ive just set my 1st post on this thread 
i gree with gill so much as i used to b full of life and always surrounded by friends 
now all i do is  work work work 
and on my days off i sit here on the pc or just watch films i love being in my own little bubble 
dont get me wrong i do c my mate but not like i used to i go coz i feel bad that i havnt seen them in ages but if i could spend each day off just sat in the house and ignore the phone i would 
ive got a real good friend who knows how i feel and really understands me so she wont take no for an answer she draggs me out 
nice talking steph


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi eml 
i carnt get my head round how someone can be so insensative 
i always say that the 1's who count and the 1's that come 1st in my life are behind my front door 
ur life is with ur DH  sod the rest of them u to keep strong and keep loving each other u married him not the family 
take care i hope u get some good luck 
steph


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Steph
Welcome onto the thread..
I couldn't agree with you more...What Eml has had to put up with is so upsetting and soul destroying.
Eml is it time to start thinking of yourself and the most important persons in your life...
Lots of love astridxx


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

i agree 100% u and ur beloved other half are to come 1st 
you have been through so much if people close to u carnt understand that and support u then keep with us girl we will help cheer u up it wont help the IF probs but we can try and help cheer u up 
steph


astrid said:


> Hello Steph
> Welcome onto the thread..
> I couldn't agree with you more...What Eml has had to put up with is so upsetting and soul destroying.
> Eml is it time to start thinking of yourself and the most important persons in your life...
> Lots of love astridxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear girls!
Well, thank you all for your support...I had started to think I was the one being insensitive because I'd been ignoring DHs family a bit.
You're right... DH and I have so much going for us. I should really count my blessings...we think the world of each other...I've got two lovely (but aged) dogs and the lump in my boob proved to be a benign (but rare) tumour, it could have been so much worse!
We've just spent a very "positive" bank holiday weekend (away from DHs family, they 'expected' to be invited over, they weren't!) clearing our spare room in the hope that one day we might be approved for adoption!
Thank you all for getting me through those dark(er) days and for understanding a timely whinge...this really is the only place where I can find people who know how hard IF can be.
Thanks so much.
EML


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## mcoodle (Jun 15, 2005)

Hi girls,

Just thought I'd stick my two penneth worth in! 

I can't believe how much your comments mirror my own feelings.  It's so comforting to know people understand what it is to be me, yet at the same time so very sad to know that so many of us suffer the pain of IF.

Just wanted to say I think you're all amazing and it's true we do change, but we also become stronger in lots of ways.  I avoid most things these days......family do's, work do's.......Christening's I find are the worst..........pg announcements fair kill me and I'm sure one day I will choke on the word 'Congratulations'..........I sound very bitter, I know...........most days I can cope better than this, but today I just can't even be ar*ed pretending................

I've just turned down an invite this morning from my friend at work to join him, his PREGNANT parter and their little girl for tea this week...........I think he's offended.............but bugger it...........it's all about self-preservation I say............

Let people think what they like about my lack of socialising.............they can criticise me when they have walked a mile in my shoes and suffered some of the pain I'm suffering..............

Anyway I'm rambling like a crazy old fool............sorry........ ...........I am fairly normal honest........

Finally.........EML.............you must be one hell of a great woman to even tolerate that MIL from hell for a second............I was shaking my head in disbelief after reading your posts............  

Well girls..........best do some work.................

Hoping all your dreams come true    

Take care

Love Lisa xxx


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