# Feeling low...need help finding positivity



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi, I'm new to this...I've never posted anything (I'm your classic forum read and run stalker). However today I feel so down that I think it's about time I did. Even if no one a replies, maybe just writing will make me feel a bit better. 

So about me. Turning 40 in 2 months (something else I'm not too happy about). High FSH low AMH... Rubbish eggs. 

Been trying modified IVF for the last year as was told it's the best hope (just haven't got my head around donor eggs...but that's another story). Not had much luck. This morning I found out that the one egg collected yesterday didn't fertilise. This leaves us with just 1 8 cell frozen embryo to transfer on Tuesday. 

Currently I have literally no positivity left. The odds of this working are so low, and I know it just takes one egg but.... How on earth do people keep going. I really need to feel like this may work but currently don't or can't. I've booked acupuncture tomorrow morning. Maybe that will kick start something in me to help  

Ugh I hate feeling like this, nope writing this down hasn't help.


----------



## Gemini40 (Feb 9, 2016)

Hi, I think it is just the whole enormity of the lead up to transfer and then it all boils down to one embryo and you think is this all I have got and no back up. But you have to remember that you only need one and hope this is the one. I have just turned 40 and heading for de ivfnext month. I have no back up plan if this does not work and feeinga bit low today myself


----------



## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

Who hasn't been here !

I think you need to ask some soul searching questions, especially if you've tried own egg therapies only. 

I didn't start the journey using assistance until slightly older than you and right now there is a six month old puking on knee... I have to deal with it, i'll be back to comment.

Just remember that there are options, two of the ladies on my successful DE cycle are 50 now and also have six month olds...there is time, stop panicking xxx

please drop me a PM if i get distracted and forget to repost 
xxx


----------



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi Gemini40 & loulu28,
Thank you so much for replying to me, I wasn't expecting anyone to respond to my wallowing!!! (I just came back from a walk by the sea to try and snap out of it...it sort of helped)...


@Gemini40, I hope you are ok. You definitely hit the nail on the head about the enormity of it all, it's exhausting. I know I'm not quite there yet, so just need to cross my fingers. I also have them crossed for you too xx If you don't mind me asking, do you have similar issues to me?

@Loulou28 thank you too. I will PM you. I hope you managed to clean up the puke


----------



## julia3620 (Dec 12, 2010)

Aimeepj,

Yes,I would echo what loulu and gemini have said, we have all been where you are today, how could we not be, this journey is so hard and it is only by reaching out and sharing how we are feeling that it can get a little easier.
So well done for reaching out.

In terms of time, you do have it, particularly if you decide to go for donor eggs, you have lots of time, so do not give up hope. 

BUT in the meantime, you do have one embryo that is going to be transferred on Tuesday and that could be the one. I really hope that goes well for you. Do you use any meditation or visualisation tapes, Zita West or others. I find they can give me a little relief for a short period of time.

Wishing you and all of us all the best.

Julia


----------



## Gemini40 (Feb 9, 2016)

Aimeepj , I had a natural pregnancy at 35 and not a sniff since. ICSI last year resulted inno fertilization so I guess my eggs are done. Down regulating now for deivf so it will be all over in 6 weeks and praying for a miracle


----------



## evan80 (Nov 30, 2013)

Aimeepj i am sorry you are feeling like this. But if you have one egg there is always hope. I had a very good quality frozen embryo transferred in 2014 which resulted in my son. I had a similar quality frozen embryo last month which resulted in bfn. My friend who had rubbish eggs collected and doctors had actually informed her that her cycle was bound to fail got a bfp and my other friend got a bfp with only half an ovary.  So as you can see there is no standard protocol which would guarantee success in ivf and i believe it is all a matter of luck.

As for going for donor option it is not going to be easy. We had to go for donor sperm and it took a lot of crying and counselling sessions but it was all worth it in the end. 

Best of luck xxx


----------



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi julia3620 & evan80, thank you so much for your kind words. I went for acupuncture this morning and tomorrow before the FET I've booked in reflexology...I think I may have gone overkill on the attempting to relax!!! Fingers crossed it does something. Xx

Gemini40, I'm wishing you lots of luck for everything you are also going through xxx

I take it back about finally giving in and writing something on here. It has helped quite a bit (I'll probably go the other way now and you won't be able to get rid of me)....Anyway one step at a time, need tomorrow to be done and endure the TTW now!!


----------



## evan80 (Nov 30, 2013)

Hi aimeepj glad you are feeling a bit more positive. Best of luck for ET xxx


----------



## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

Good luck today xxx

I will have my fingers crossed for you but just remember, there are still options if it doesn't turn out well. The best thing I ever did was accept that I needed younger eggs, my son would agree.

I hope this is the one for you though !!!!!!!!!!!! Positive vibes, be nice to yourself and have some cake, cake is very important 

xxx


----------



## loulu28 (Apr 16, 2015)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=346211.new#new

A place for questions on DE IVF
xxx

(Not that you'll need it but I thought it would be good to explore. On my DE journey, i'd already decided my next step if it didn't work, it made me feel more positive and perhaps the positivity helped...perhaps not but... GOOD LUCK THIS TIME ! Xxxxxxxxxxxxx)


----------



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi Loulu28,

Thank you so much for starting that thread. I know I'm now in the dreaded TWW, but if things don't work out its already been great reading what's been posted. I do have many questions but think I will leave them until this wait is over!! In the meantime I hope more lovely ladies tell their stories. 

Thank you again for the support, and to everyone else that's commented, I'm extremely glad I've made this leap to make a post on this site  xx


----------



## Sarahlo (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi aimeepj - I have some friends on a thread which is all about Low AMH / High FSH It might be good for you to connect with these lovely ladies too. Hope you are feeling somewhat better.x

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=346152.0


----------



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for the comment.

Unfortunately the FET didn't work, so currently trying to work out next steps. I've actually been having a little read of that thread, so may be commenting in the future. Tomorrow I'm going to experience a fertility massage (whatever that maybe!)....and the lady is going to be giving me some diet tips, so I may have some stuff to share for fellow Low AMH / High FSH ladies 

Aimee xx


----------



## mrschef04 (Apr 15, 2015)

Hi there, I am similar age to you 39 1/2 and high FSH and terrible egg quality.  My story is below..

The girls on these boards know me well.  Even my IVF results are the most embarrassing on these forums.  I've suffered from two miscarriages (very early and didn't have any symptoms at all) and my one and only failed IVF in August 2015.  I have high fsh (anywhere between 23-37) and poor egg quality. 

I was a pretty bad responder to IVF (my AFC was two.  Only 3 eggs and one fertilised and they did a two day transfer).  Four doctors have told me that I had a 5% or less chance of IVF working and a 1% or less chance of naturally conceiving.  After the most awful IVF (single round) ever, we were then told they have cancelled the next two funded rounds, as I was pretty much a lost cause.  Then two months later, the NHS changed their minds and offered us another round and DH and I said no.  We'd had enough.  The drugs affected me really badly and it was so depressing.  Looking at the boards and everyone has more than 10 follicles and I only had 2.  I had to stim for so long on the highest amount of drugs.  No more herbs, no vitamins, no accupuncture or massage anymore.  No more being all healthy and bored. 

We looked at adoption in January 2016, even booked the information session with the agency (it's funny to see my old posts about making this decision on my established buddies board).  Then decided, no, let's concentrate on us and being happy with our lives.  I was smoking ****, drinking loads and we went to Spain on a foodie holiday.  For most of that holiday, I had the worst hangover and then got food poisoning for three days.  

A week later, my period was late and I didn't even remotely think it was pregnancy.  I even looked up if food poisoning affects my period.  Then I felt my immune system going and had to go and get some medicine, so I was standing there at the counter and saw the cheapest £2 pregnancy test and bought one on a whim.  That was it.  It was positive.  The thing is, I told my MIL and she literally almost fell over too because she also said that she had completely given up.  I'm now 25 weeks pregnant. 

I know everyone told me to relax and all that crap, but, in reality, what helped was actually just not caring about it anymore.  Not having "baby head" or being obsessed.  Just getting on with my life.  It took time for me.  Believe me, I had to unfriend people because their baby showers and loads of photos were too painful.  When my DH and I made our announcement, we had my old NHS letter saying less than 1% chance with the scan picture of baby. I'm not telling this story because I'm bragging, but because I hope it gives you a different perspective.  Believe me, I still remember how much I felt like such a damn failure.  I think I spent about 8 months of my life last year in absolute tears every single day, completely alone and not being able to share it with anyone except on here.

The thing is, I also made peace with myself about this and I'm not saying you'll get pregnant naturally, but it did help to finally feel happy without children and move on from the "conceiving race."  It has been a year ago today that I had started my one failed IVF cycle on here.  To this day, if I think about the night that I knew it didn't work and I was alone at home of my last day of being PUPO without tears in my eyes.  You're not alone, honey.  PM me if you need any support. x


----------



## a1mless (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi mrschef13,

Thank you so much for your message. That's such an amazing story and exactly what I need to hear after a pretty crappy week!! 

I am definitely at a point where I need to take a break and get myself back into 'life' for a bit. I'd love nothing more than to have a story similar to you. As I put above, I am going to see what this fertility massage at the weekend entails, and then have a proper think about what to do next....Next month is my dreaded 40th (the age where women start to feel they are coming to the end of their fertility...and yes I know thats not necessarily the case, but something that constantly gets brought up - and definitely been said to me with my 'issues'.)... My OH is taking me away for my birthday, I plan on that being very relaxed and it not remotely fertility related, we really need a break! I am actually looking forward to trying to focus on something else for a bit.

I hope you are doing OK, it really is such a great story to hear, thank you for sharing it with me  
xx


----------

