# Feeling obsessed ... Cant switch off from it !



## chichi85 (Jul 22, 2015)

Hi , 

I'm struggling here . After suffering a m/c after a successful 1st IVF . I don't no where to turn . 
I feel like I don't want to see anyone or do anything , my dh seems to be getting angry with me as everyday I come up with a new thing if blame on why I had the m/c. 

Lastnite I was half asleep woke up searching for medical notes under my bed ?( which Obv they wouldent be there )  My husband was shocked and couldent belive what I was doing .  Am I going mad ? 

I feel so lost at the moment , I'm struggling to cope . 
Xx


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Hi Chichi85, 

So sorry to read of your mc, the pain is immense for us as I feel your every pang that goes along with anger and upset along with obsession. It's a normal motion flower and it's a grieving process you are going through.   

I've had an early mc and then a late one though I feel it's wrong to call the birth of my son at 20 weeks a mc when I was in labour for 6.5 hours and he was perfectly formed. The pain was immense and just like you I found myself being angry with myself, the world and every pregnant women I saw. I too searched the net, my notes to see what I'd missed or had the consultants. Sadly I only lost my son due to cervical incompetence which even more so made me angry as my son lost his life due to my stupid horrid body. My first mc sadly ended with lack of a heartbeat just after a week of seeing one. I felt compelled to fight for my angel and to find out why this terribly sad time came to me.. It was merely put down to my age or just one of those things.. Sadly doesn't help but after time you do come the other side and you do get stronger. You will fight another day but it takes time.  

Has your hospital or clinic offered you any counselling? I've heard it can help so many ladies and I would see if there is someone you can talk to as sometimes an outsider can really help re-address your thoughts process. I had a few but for me I didn't really take to the lady.. Instead the hospital bereavement nurse was my saviour and she's helped me to re-focus and to try and not beat myself up for what I'm unable to change. 

My thoughts are with you. Take care, grief for your loss and be kind to yourself xx


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## chichi85 (Jul 22, 2015)

Thank you for your reply .

So so sorry to hear of your loses . I can't imagine the pain , you must of been so heartbroken .  Your post has made me feel really sad for you , how awful . 

I have contacted my gp and have self refered myself today for concilling , hopefully get a appointment next week . I hope this helps .

I think for me I'm just trying to elimanate possible failings . I have a app next week for a specialist about my endo and tube . I'm upset with the clinic as they told me I didn't have a hydro in which I found out on my notes I do . So maybe this is why my tx failed , it could of been bad luck . But I just feel like I need to be in control of it all. 

Have you thought about starting again? I'm so scared to have this happen again. I feel worthless . 

X


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Bless you, thank you for your kind words. It was and still so raw, some days I'm ok others I'm not. 

I did try in February which sadly was a BFN so I'm back on to all the tests I can have to be sure I've got everything covered for next time. It's the only thing I can do to feel to look forward. 

As per your hydro tube, I'd not say it's why it's not worked but I would say you need to get it checked out despite it not being one that does seep (fluid coming from it).. Reason I that is I had a hydro tube at the first NHS hospital being Birmingham Women's just clipped it. Anyhow by cycle no 4 I questioned them and they said all was fine. I then left that terribly clinic and moved to another who were amazing. Went for another fresh and another BFN. They suggested a referral for the hydro to which my private gyne did and WOW not only was it clipped in the wrong place the toxic fluid was still seeping out killing all perfect embies and blasts. He removed it as it was bulging at 14cm x 10cm and a tennis ball cyst. Then I have to BFP. Of course it could of been a fluke but I know for me I was happier to have it out if that is what you have. I'd want to ask more flower.. Your clinic should of defiantly discussed it with you in more detail. 

I really believe that counselling helps and I hope and pray they help you. Be kind to yourself, you really need to as you are not to blame and you will in time be able to look forward xx


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## chichi85 (Jul 22, 2015)

Thank you for your reply .

I wish you all the best for your next cycle . That's it isn't it just doing your best and getting everything covered and hope it works .

I'll be taking the findings to a specialist I'm seeing Friday , I'm waiting on the hycosy to come thru the hospital just sent me notes without the X-ray . At the moment I'm willing to pay and get it looked into if he suggests doing so before my next IVF . At the moment I don't have much faith in my clinic as they said no it's not a hydro but my hosptail notes say different . 

Thank you , I think I need it. Dh said it will be good for me to chat to someone about it too . 

Thank you for replying , I have everything crossed for your next cycle . Xxx


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