# scared



## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Has anyone ever felt really scared?  I am doing egg donor/sperm donor in December.  I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years and had always been hoping he could be the sperm donor as he had said he wolud before, but now we are done that dream is over.  I am just really scared to do it alone-financially I don't know how I'm going to do it!    I'm crying now!  
I don't have any family either-I wish I did so much, it would make so much difference.  It hurts when I read about people in my situation who at least have family to support them.  I know there are organizations out there for single women-I just don't know what they are right now.  I want to wait to see if this works in December first, but for now I am so frightened.  But it's what I want.  So I am going ahead with it.  There is some excitement too-but this morning I just feel afraid.  I work, but I wish I was wealthy because I really want to stay home with the baby at least for the first two years.  But I can't, and I live in the US-so we don't have the wonderful long maternity leave you seem to have in the UK-maybe just 4 weeks or something like that.  Any words of support or wisdom?  Scared and alone,
Jean


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Not sure I can offer too much in the way of words of wisdom, but I can certainly offer lots of     

It's a huge decision at any time, and you are also coping with a relationship break up which makes it that much harder. 

On the money side of things, I agree life would be much easier if we won the lottery or had huge salaries/savings, but at the end of the day, people bring up whole families on minimal wage and still get by, so it's definitely possible. Tough for a while, especially at the beginning, but possible. I don't know much about the US benefits system I'm afraid, but I think with the money stuff, it works itself out somehow or other....

Re support, I think I said this on another post recently, that whilst it's great to have family and friends to support you throughout this process, you will also develop the support network you need once you are pregnant/have the baby. I have seen so many of my friends, and my own sister, develop amazing networks through pre-natal classes, mother and baby classes, and other local activities. One of my sister's closest friends now is a woman she met in the park one day when they were both pushing prams and dealing with a screaming first baby and at the end of their tethers! Now they regularly babysit for eachother etc...So don't despair, even without too much family support you will still have people around to help I'm sure

There's the Single Moms by Choice forum (Yahoo Groups...) in the US and I get the impression from reading their posts that they have local groups and do face to face meet ups etc. Maybe it would be an idea to try and hook up with them in your area so you don't feel quite so alone there? Internet forums are brilliant, but no substitute for actually meeting people face to face sometimes as well...

Final thought - you are far from alone. There are loads of us out here, and whilst we here on FF may be mostly in the UK, I am sure there are also groups in the US too...

Wishing you lots of luck for your December cycle, 
Suitcase
x


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Suitcase of dreams-thank you so much.  Your words of support really made me cry-in a good way, and mean a lot to me.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

You're welcome hun  

We all need a bit of support from time to time and that's what so great about this site - so many people in the same situation who know exactly what you're going through and how tough it all is....

You take care, 
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Jean

Suity has sumed it all up really but all I can say is don't be a stranger and keep posting. I have had such heartfelt support from FF buddies and truely believe I wouldn't have got as far as I am now without their support. Although I am lucky enough to have friends and family I do not tend to really speak to them much about what I am going through because really the only way to understand is to experience it first hand which is why FF is so valuable. My problems are mostly in a completely different league to what my friends problems are and  I think alot of the time they just don't knowwhat to say or do to help me, which in turn reinforces the feelings of  loneliness.

Its a big step you have taken but you are not alone hunny   

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Jean honey - I went through that wobble when going for my first double donor IVF... a very good friend of mine did say to me that she'd be more worried if I didn't react that way and wasn't scared or worried but blaze about it all.  On reflection- she was right - by being scared and worried shows that we are not going into this half hearted but are concerned of the outcome... It really did strengthen my feelings of being a mum.  Honey - you're not alone - think we've all felt like this x x x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Jean

Just to say that I have also found what Suity said to be so true regarding support. Alfie is only 16 weeks old and I have already got the most amazing supportive group of new mums that I've met since he was born. I never would have dreamt that would happen but it has. We're all really close and I think they look after me even more because I'm single   .

Huge huge    tho. It IS scary - even if you know you want to def go ahead  

LL xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Everyone
Thank you for you support, and I had to reread them today to get that boost again from reading such wonderful support!  Thank you and you guys are awesome!

Suitecase of Dreams
Thanks so much for you support-it made me feel so much better and for your idea of Choicemoms.  I did join the ChoiceMoms in the US and am hopefully going to be getting some information on local groups in my area-thank god I live in a big city-Los Angeles.  Other place like San Diego don't even have any local groups.  
I don't know how to say this without sounding bad and I don 't want hurt anyone's feelings-I don't know how else to say this.  Choice mom's has a website with information you can listen to-it's a radio program-on different topics like dating as a single parent, and a lot of other wonderful sounding topics that made me go omg! I want to listen and hear it all and these are really good topics and may be so helpful.  But it actually had the opposite effect and I ended up just feeling really anxious after listening and reading the information on the website.  It had a very negative and unsupportive feel to it, it seemed freaked out, hysterical and anxious-the women who were talking about this information and the hosts.  This UK website is 100% different.  It is positive and wonderfully supportive and I come away from reading the blogs feeling happy.  Even when people are talking about their problems-they are talking and not going into a hysterical super negative place.   I hope you all don't think I am being nonsupportive.    It was just too much of a difference between websites and too negative and there was no trying to be supportive with the problems.  I think it might be a culture difference thing, which is a shame because I would love to meet the wonderful supportive people on here.  You guys are awesome!  The blog itself is OK-some of the women are really supportive, but the freakout factor is too much for me on the website (and some of the blogs) and I am not going to read it or listen to it anymore-just go on their blog and even then with caution.  There are good things to learn on the blogs.  That's why I had to come back on here and reread all of your posts to help me from reading last night the other stuff!  Thanks everyone for your great words-because it did help me!   I apologize for this rant-I had to talk about it because I am really see a huge difference.  And I apologize-if I hurt anyone's feelings.  It's that I think it is really important to stay away from things that drag you down when it is really hard already because of what we are going through.  I hope you all understand.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hey Jean,

Sorry you've been a bit freaked out by the podcasts/radio programs you listened to...definitely the best thing to do is simply not listen any more! Everyone is so different and reacts to this baby journey in a different way. I think it's important to learn what works for you and stick with it. I think in general (and this is of course a gross generalisation   ) that we Brits tend to be a bit more reserved than our American counterparts...and maybe this is just the approach which works for you....

But at least we are all here to help and support you, of course it would be even better if some of us were able to be with you in the flesh too - but at least we're here in the virtual world (cold and pouring with rain here right now, I wouldn't mind being in LA to be honest ) 

It's so natural to feel scared and anxious about all of this, and any time you want to rant, that's what we're here for....goodness knows I've done enough ranting of my own here!

I seem to recall you are off to Brno pretty soon - wishing you loads of luck for that - I've been a couple of times myself and it's a great clinic, you'll be in good hands. Going to be cold over there though - bit of a shock after LA - wrap up warm  

Suitcase
x


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## Plimsoll (Nov 2, 2009)

Sohocat,
I read your blogs with interest.  I am going this coming Mon or Tues for my very first treatment (double donor egg/sperm) in Spain.  I am doing this on my own and have not told anyone yet (except one friend) because I don't want to justify ££££ to my family if it failed as I had to borrow the money.

It is very scary.  Sometimes I look around my bedroom (small, not brilliant light, needs painting), and think OMG how can you bring a child into the world, you can't even put your clothes away............ yes, this is the stupid stuff that has been knocking around in my head since I made the decision.  It is completely normal, and the uncertainty, loneliness and terror of doing it alone makes me certain that I am doing the right thing.. I wouldn't go through that s..t if I wasn't 100% determined to have a child and be a good mum.  Millions of women are having babies around the world every hour... why not you? and me?
Best of luck........Plimsoll. x
p.s. I don't obssess on some of the topics on this (and other) sites..... what to eat, drink, wear, think, etc... during 2WW, it would drive me insane if I did!!! - sometimes too much information is dangerous!


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi Sohocat

I wondered if you had come across the board below on yahoo groups - they are based in America & whilst I think they are linked to the Choice mom stuff I think this board tends to be more like FF in that it is a bunch of mums, mums to be or trying to be mums who share their journeys.  I found it before I found the UK boards & have followed a few people through their stories.  There are a couple on there who get a bit negative but mostly there seems to be women very similar to the FF people.

[email protected] 

Hope this helps


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Suitecase of dreams

I am going to Reprofit Dec 7-14th!  I am getting kind of excited now, but then I get very anxious too.  I have been following your story, and I hope for the best with you.  You deserve it!   
This is true-the brits are a bit more reserved.  After I wrote my previous blog, I recieved information on the local groups near me , they are called singlechoicemom (smc) groups in different locations and they are run by people locals, and I think what it was is that the website itself -choicemom which is different than the local group-was created by someone whom I think in her attitude is very negative and has negative and hysterical people on her site- much ado about nothing but in a really pessimistic life is over as we know it way (who needs that?).  I mean one of the topics was is there something wrong with us because we haven't been able to find husbands -we are too picky-and with no resolution or help with the topic and all negative.  I mean what the   ?  But the local groups are seperate, which is a wonderful thing I hope, and probably wonderfully supportive and awesome.  The person who just gave me this information said these groups have been so great for her!  (And just as I was posting Grace10704 posted the same thing that I just found out!!!  Thank you Grace-you are so right.  I have realized this now!  Thank god-huh?  Yeah!!  I just signed up for some local groups-I am soooo happy now!)

Plimsoll
I am glad my posts have been helpful and interesting for you.  It's so great to read stuff you relate to-you don't feel so alone.  I have heard it is really great to have support groups-maybe you can find some in your area and don't have to tell your family until you feel like it.  I totally relate to you.  I too look at my bedroom-apartment and think what am I doing?  I live upstairs and think-I need to move to flatland because how am I going to be carrying a baby up and down the stairs.  But my friend who is a mom and has two older children said that is not something to worry about-there are other things that will matter but not that.  I am scared, but it is what I want.  And I agree with you-I wouldn't be going through all of this s..t if I wasn't 100% determined-you are so right!  Nice to hear from you.


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Grace10704
Also, Grace, the email I recieved from the person who gave me the information on the local smc groups was wonderful and supportive and ,you are right!, -a lot like FF!  Yeah!     I have just signed up.  Happy!


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi Sohocat, Plimsoll

How are you doing? Lots of the singles on here have lots of words of wisdom and have been in a similar place.

The night before my first iui I was in a hotel room which had wifi messaging my FF's. I had a mixture of thoughts - how the heck did I get here, what am I doing having a baby whilst I am single, where is the loving man I always thought would be by my side and should I just get a cab to the airport and flee. My fellow FF's have helped keeping me sane pre, during and post treatment - we are now here for you too.

I am sure at some stage we have all had similar thoughts but give yourself a slap on the back for taking the first and very courageous step towards having the family that you desire rather than never trying and living with regrets. It may be a little more challenging path to be a loving parent by yourself but you have been totally responsible thinking like you have which shows that any child you have will have a loving caring parent.

Good luck to you both Sohocat and Plimsoll. x

Love and hugs 

Fraggles x


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## Jammy J (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi

I have to be honest and am the first to admit that I am scared about going it alone, but something tells me to be strong and keep going for it, I dont want to regret not trying in a few years time.

JAX


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## Plimsoll (Nov 2, 2009)

Fraggles,

Thanks for your support. I am in the very exciting 2ww and although I have a very busy life at work and uni, I find that I am always aware of what's happening in the lower part of my body!!

I will be able to test in about a week (its five days since day 3 transfer)...

Wish me luck!
Plimsoll


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hey Jah

You are so right. With that attitude you'll be fine.

F x


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## Jammy J (Sep 28, 2009)

Thankyou, will keep you all posted.
Arranged counselling session today so another step closer


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