# Anyone else feel/felt in a simular position



## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi. You can see from my profile we have adopted two girls. 
Sometimes I think what have we done and feel so ashamed to feel it. Days are very hard at times, constant tantrums, tears and am more like referee than mummy at moment. I love them more than anything else in the world and don't know why when we have everything we have ever dreamt of why I feel unhappy at times.

I used to work in hairdressing so was meeting people all the time and my friend says thats what I miss too. 
I think she is right but by no means would I want my old life back before our girls. Dh says I can go back to work if I want, but, I know I would miss them too much and only want to if needed. 

Am so mixed up by everything. Dh leaves for work at 8 ish in a morning and gets home at 6.30 so I do everything on my own. He does help out when he can but obviously is not easy.

I don't want to come across as ungrateful and know some are still on there journies to being a family so hope I dont offend/upset anyone. Just wanted some advice and see if its normal how I feel.

S/w etc..are pleased with us and the girls have adapted and been so so very brave about getting a new family. Just feel like I am being so false. I don't want to let them down as they both deserve so much. Just feel like     

Sweets xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Big Hugs to you and in answer to your question - YES! You are completley normal to feel the way you do.

You have gone from no children to 2 in a very short space of time and it is still very early days for you, give yourself a pat on the back for getting thus far   

Becoming a Mum for the first time can be daunting, even with a newborn and they sit still, you have your 'newborn' arrive walking, talking and with their own demanding personalities and you've done that twice, hats off to you.   

I posted something very similar to this more than 3 years ago, now, I wonder how on earth I got through those huge changes in my life,  I no longer worked, I had to be up at the crack of dawn, everyday felt like groundhog day doing similar things day in day out, then dh came home and worldwar 3 would often break out as ds would scream    Then i'd collapse on the sofa and just feel awful, awful for feeling so ashamed of how I was feeling, awful for feeling like a failure and awful for knowing the next day would perhaps be the same   
BUT
It gets easier - I promise!  My dark days lasted a couple of months but as I got used to my new life and learned to fill it with things that 'worked' for both ds and I, things got so so much easier, then of course I wondered what on earth I was feeling like that for? 
The things that helped me were, plan something everyday and make sure you get out of the house at least once a day, have time to yourself at least once a week, an evening when dh gets home perhaps?  have couple time too and let dh take over once a week, just go out and window shop, go swimming, meet with friends etc but just be you and have it in your diary to look forward to everyweek.

Try to concentrate on times the girls are good, rather than those that they're not too, and anything specific behaviour/health wise, ask on here and other parenting sites as often you'll find great hints and tips. 

It does get easier    

Best of luck xxx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Sweets
I can't stop long now but just wanted to give you a big hug  

You have done so so well to adapt to being a Mummy to TWO   in such a short space of time ....

Can you meet up with other adopters?  It makes a big difference as only people who have been on this path can really understand  . If you don't know any other adopters then your Sw will be able to pair you up with someone in a similar boat to you  

All the best.  
X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Sweets

Not read the replies but I can honestly say what you are feeling is normal hun    

Suddenly becoming a Mummy after all the years of hoping and heartache to 1 or 2 LOs that are already little people, that you have to get to know while doing the caring, helping them to learn to trust you etc etc etc is very hard and the early months can be very lonely for us adoptive Mum's.  I felt so useless for a number of months, didn't think I was good enough to give DS what he needed and felt very alone.  Like you, my DH was at work (still is) from before DS wakes until he is going to bed, my 2 are lucky if they see their Daddy for more than about 10 minutes a day and some days they just don't see him    not ideal but thats life and fairly common I think especially when you have LOs.

My SW was fab, she really encouraged me and supported me, pointing out how much DS had come on since being with us, all the good things I was doing etc to help boost my confidence.  I think I may have ended up with PAD if it hadn't been for her.

Best advice I can give is to get out EVERY day.  The longer you stay couped up the worse you feel and fresh air will do the children good.    If you can meet up with other adopters.  Do you have any support groups run by your LA?  Ours do evening ones but the best one is the Under 5's stay and play group, just a shame its only run once a month.  If you don't know any other adopters in your area, ask your SW if they have anyone that they can put you in touch with like a buddy system.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing a fab job and things will get easier as #2 settles and your routine gets established.  

OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Sweets

I think the others have covered everything I would have said, what you are feeling is perfectly normal, people even talk about post adoption depression.  The reality of being a parent is such a shock to the system however much we have longed for it.

With your DH out so much you are almost a single parent of two and that is a hard thing at the best of times.  As the others have said try and find some time for yourself, maybe at the weekend when DH is home.  

Try and get out in the week with the kids.  I was lucky as our SS ran a monthly adoptive Mums and Tots group that I could attend and not be faced with the inevitable "pregnancy/labour" conversations that you can get at regular groups.  Does your SS run anything similar?  I also used to take mine to a Music with Mummy group every week to get out of the house and storytime at the Library.

Hang in there, things will get better


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi      


yes u r completely normal!!! becoming a mummy is a massive shock to the system - not saying its not great but it is a huge change to your life. my dh works away quite abit so im left to deal with things more often myself than not.  we adopted our 2 girls at the same time and i dont think its until you have a few moments that you suddenly realise how huge a deal it is. you know have 2 little ones who need looking after and lots of attention. its hard to split yourself into all the people you need to be - mummy/wife/sister/friend/etc. tbh, i sometimes struggle with that and have to have a little 'chat' to myself!!    please dont be too hard on yourself. you are doing a great job and every day is a learning day when it comes to being a parent.  i sometimes think the danger is, thinking is a baaaad thing! 


it doesnt help with the weather being so rubbish as well. i find play do, colouring in, even dvds! are great source of pleasure. 


please be kind to yourself.  we are all here to help xxxxxx


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Thankyou so so much for your replies.  Is really nice to know its normal and I can try and stop beating myself about it all. We do have a play and chat once a month so will defo go to that again. Also know other adopters and do text and meet up with them sometimes. 
Think was having a very low day. Went shopping after dh finished work last night and was lovely to get out. We have decided to try at leat an afternoon a week on family time. Also planning on having a few earlier nights which am sure will help. Have given myself an 8pm deadline, anything not done by this time will wait till next day. Need time to read or have a bath me thinks.
Once again, thanku for your support. This site is a godsend. 
Take care and hope your all well

sweets xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Glad you are feeling a bit better about it all and are starting to put in place some time for you.  I'm generally in bed by 9pm with a book as its the only chance I get to stop and unwind, if I don't read before lights out I'm awake for hours, though most nights I only get to read a few pages before I fall asleep!!

Even now I still find it hard to leave the housework but I can't do everything and a bit of dust isn't going to do any harm.

OT x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi sweets   

I've only just seen your post and the others have pretty much covered everything I'd say, but yes please do stop beating yourself up, all your feelings are totally normal as everyone has said.
It's hard to adjust to the new way of life with one lo, let alone two in such a short space of time    
As others have said meeting up with other adopters really helps (I meet with some girls from my prep course (and of course their lo's) weekly, plus see a couple of girls from here regularly and it really does us all good as there are so many things that birth parents wont really understand.
The lo's get to have a good playdate and we get to have a good old chat.
You say you meet up with other adopters sometimes, maybe you'll find if you suggest it they'd like a regular weekly/fortnightly playdate too. 

Another idea that may help.......
Nemo goes to Grandma and Grandad's for 2 hours every Sunday afternoon which he loves, as do they. It benefits everyone in so many ways.
It's great for his relationship with them, his healthy attachment to us (knowing he can go to Grandma's but always comes home after to us), plus it gives myself and DH 2 hours of 'us' time. To be honest we do usually spend it doing things like hoovering (Nemo is a bit scared of the hoover) or sorting our Sunday roast etc   , but the point is we could just sit and chat or go for a pub lunch if we chose to.  It's very important that you somehow manage to get a bit of time just for you on your own (like popping out to the shops, as you did the other night), but we've found that having a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon as just the two of does us a lot of good too. Infact much to Grandma and Grandad's delight, Nemo usually says, ''no, bye bye Mummy/Daddy'' when we go to get him! (cheeky monkey)     
Even funnier is that on the odd occasion that we've had a pub lunch or have sat and chatted it's always been about Nemo and we always miss him. As I say it does us all good though.
I know the girls haven't been with you that long, but a little way down the line that's maybe something to think about if you have any close family/friends that the girls form good relationships with.  

Most importantly just know you are not alone, we all have different circumstances etc but we all can relate to how you are feeling to some extent and can all help in different ways dependant on our various experiences.

Anj x x


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