# Mixed Race/Heritage Adoption - Questions



## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Hello,
We are at the very early stages of adoption enquiries. My DH is white british and I am mixed heritage.
We would really love to adopt a mixed heritage child but we are struggling with understanding what will be expected of us.
I grew up in a very white environment so only connected with the other side of my heritage when I was older. I am close to my family though on both sides.
I never really integrated with my particular racial background completely as religion was a barrier (I'm not Muslim). As my background is a bit unusual I wouldn't be looking to find an exact match and we'd be open to any racial combination. I do feel that I have something to offer in that I understand that experience. But although it's all over the news that SW's are getting more relaxed about this. I'm getting the message from all my enquires that it is really important to be able to reflect a child's background directly. We would embrace and promote the child's background. But I'm wondering what in practice this actually means - does anyone have any experience of this and can shed any light on what is expected. 
Thanks so much.
BellaBun


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## Bearfriend (Mar 28, 2008)

Hi Bellabun,

my husband is white british and I am duel heritage and like you we are looking for a mixed heritage child not necessarily of the same heritage as me.

The social worker will want to explore this issue with you as part of the home study and be looking to see what your understanding is of the effect on you of growing up in a very white area with perhaps little support to understand your duel heritage.  They will also be considering whether you have come to terms with the effects this may have had on you and your sense of identity and then how you might translate this to supporting a child of mixed heritage.  There is research on transracial adoption (maybe have a look at the BAAF site) which can work well or can give a child a poor sense of identity depending on how their heritage is handled.  Generally I think it is about giving a child a positive experience of their heritage, and helping they make sense of their identity.  Giving them opportunities to experience positive role models in everyday life, experience aspects of all sides of their culture in their everyday life, learning and sharing about the history and culture of their less dominant heritage and taking them to visit countries of their heritage.  You would also need to be aware of issues around racism, be able to support a child in dealing with this and to be a strong advocate on their behalf if they experienced issues of racism.  The joy of mixed heritage (in my opinion!) is that you get to pick and choose which aspects of what culture you want to take on or reject, but this is often a journey and may change over time.  A child needs to feel that all aspects of their heritage is valued to enable them to choose what feels right for them or not.

Hope that's a little bit helpful, think I may have just rambled at you!!  Good luck with it all.

Best wishes
Bearfriend


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## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi Bearfriend,
Thanks so much for that. It's great to hear from someone in a similar position. I guess embracing a child's culture is never going to be the same as them living in it themselves, but it's important to make them feel that they are accepted and that they can have some of their culture if not all of it. My DH has a bit of a problem with it all sounding a bit forced. But I guess that's up to us to try and do it in a sensitive way.
Out of interest, you profile says that you were approved in March. Have you had any matches? One of my fears is that we will end up on the shelf because the SW's won't think we are a suitable match for anybody.
Best wishes,
BellaBun


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## kasechka (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi. I can't speak to the particular requirements and social context of the UK, since I'm a Yank, but this is a subject of long interest to me, and one that's very contested in the US. There's a scholar, transracial adoptee and adoptive dad, John Raible, who I think writes very provocatively and usefully on the subject: www.johnraible.wordpress.com . Good luck to you.

/links


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

The main thing that the SW's want to see is that you are comfortable with your heritage and will be able to help a child to be comfortable with their heritage despite any experiences they might have relating to ethnicity.

My DH is white british and I am dual heritage, however when we filled in the forms I ticked White British because that is my culture and my ethnicity was not something I had ever thought about.  The fact that my grandfather was black was not something I ever considered despite having experienced racial abuse.  I thought no more about my ethnicity than I thought about my gender.  My main concern in life was being overweight.  However the fact that I ticked that box rang alarms with my SW and I had to explain to her that I was so comfortable with my ethnicity that I didn't even think about it.  I explained that I was very happy with my ethnicity, not ashamed of it and that I would encourage any children to be the same.

As you can see from my profile I have two children who are both dual heritage although we do not match exactly.  They are aware that we have relatives that are black, white and dual heritage like us.  I just encourage them to value everybody whatever race, gender, etc.

My understanding was that there are more dual heritage children out there than there are dual heritage adopters and I know that when I used to look in Be My Parent there was often a lot of black/dual heritage children.  The government has criticised LA's for making ethnicity matching a priority leading to long delays in finding parents for some children however it will always be a factor that they will consider.

I was told about my DS the day we were approved because there were no other dual heritage adopters in our area at the time.  My DD I found at a special open event for Black/Dual Heritage adopters.  You will find your children out there.

Good luck on your journeys.


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## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Thanks so much cindyp and kasechka.
I'll bookmark the link. It does seem to be a very emotive subject.
bearfriend - making all aspects feel valued so that the child can have his/her own journey and choose what feels right at what time is a great way to put it.
I'm starting to get my head round it. Definitely the British part of me is my most dominant culture but I would never think of myself as not mixed and I think that informs a lot about myself and what sort of places/people I'm attracted to in my life rather than actual tokens like having statues round the house. So it seems really forced to start cooking a certain kind of food or listen to a certain kind of music to impress the social worker when they pop by but I have heard of this happening.  
Cindyp - it's good that ticking that box didn't spoil it for you and the social worker took on board what you said. I had a weight problem in my late teens and twenties and yes, I would say that would have been at the forefront of my mind more than my heritage. Though I did spend a lot of that time on a big quest to find out more about it.

From my conversations with SW's I think there is still a feeling that they wouldn't ideally place a Black/African/Carribean dual heritage child with us just because they would stand out and not look 'visibly similar' and so not blend in. Then the child would always be forced to field questions about where they came from or how they fit in the family. I can understand that. I just hope they don't get too pedantic about it as it's unlikely I'd ever find a child with my mix. It's great that you were approved so quickly.
I just bought a book called Breeding Between the Lines - Why interracial people are healthier and more attractive. hehe NOT something I'll be reading on the tube, but it's certainly a fun read.
I guess it's a bit like a job interview for a job you're already doing. You may be able to do the job perfectly well without thinking about it. But putting into terms someone else can understand and expressing what you're doing coherently and convincing someone else is an ENTIRELY different matter.
BellaBun


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hiya,

Been reading these posts with great interest as we're about to adopt a dual heritage little girl. Had a look at some of what John Raible has to say, very interesting and thought provoking.

Bellabun, Is that book title meant to be ironic? Sounds quite racist from a glance.

I've had a read of "mixed feelings: complex lives of mixed race Britons". Few too many long words in it for me though. Enjoyed "I'm chocolate, you're vanilla" which was about how and when children preceive race. That's as far as I've gotten so far!!

Xxruthie


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## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi,
Ruthiebabe - yes it does sound a bit dodgy, I haven't read it all yet but I am imagining that it is addressing in a provocative way the assumption that it's always superior to be fully of one race or another. I'll let you know! I've also got "I'm chocolate, you're vanilla" so I've got a lot of reading material to be getting on with.
I'll check out more transracial stuff as I guess that is ultimately what the adoption would be if we were to be successful.
XX


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## Bearfriend (Mar 28, 2008)

Hi Bellabun,

sorry it took me so long to come back to you, its been a bit manic!

I totally agree with you about tokenistic gestures and its not about living up to other peoples expectations about your race, culture, identity but about creating your own and being comfortable with it but also not denying it (imo).  In an ideal world skin colour and difference wouldn't matter but we don't live in an ideal world and unfortuantely people do make assumptions about people based on how they look etc.  This is why it is an issue.  I was aware that I was different from a young age (4 yrs) but my sister didn't become aware until older (11 yrs) so of course its different for everybody; also I was raised in a very white area.  There are theories out there on the process of coming to terms with cultural identity (denial, rejection,  then a moving towards acceptance, an over embracing of the less dominant culture, followed by reaching an equilibrium.)  Its all fascinating stuff.  Of course ultimately there is no such thing as race hence the language change to mixed heritage and ultimately we are all fundamentally of mixed heritage!

RE matching; once you have been approved your social worker will have a vested interest in getting you matched because they're time doing homestudy with you constitutes a massive investment of money for the LA!  If another LA places a child with you they will make a payment to your LA so it really is in their interests to push you forward.  We were very nearly matched in August to a child of mixed heritage but not the same background to me, we we're then linked in Sept/Oct but we decided this was not the right match so pulled back on receiving further information, currently we find out tomorrow if we have been matched with a little girl (fingers crossed!!!).  I did a little research on ethnicity and adopters/adoptees; generally there are more mixed heritage afro carribean children than matching adopters.  Asian adopters are over represented compared to children looking for parents, oriental children rarely come up for adoption (I think there were 6 in 2009 or something like that) and more adopters of that origin than children.  What I have noticed on the profiles coming through to us is quite a few dual heritage iraqi, iranian and kurdish children (tend to be fairly young e.g 6 months to 2 yrs), a lot of mixed heritage afro carribean children, and just recently I've seen Thai and Philipino but that seems fairly unusual.  A friend of mine recently adopted a mixed heritage Indian child.  There are children out there and your social worker will push you forward.  You can also directly email your profile to LA's where there are more likely to be children coming through of the sort of ethnicity that you might be looking for...a lot of adopters are doing this now.

Bearfriend x


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## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Wow, this is a really interesting thread. What would we do with the internet.
Bearfriend - the theories on the process of coming to terms with cultural identity was fascinating as I feel that that is exactly how it went for me. And very interesting about the idea that we are all fundamentally mixed heritage which ties in with what I believe anyway.
How did you find out all the info about who want's to adopt and who needs to be adopted. It's strange how it works out.
Sometimes I'm calling round the LA's and wonder if I'm being fobbed off because even though they say they need more mixed heritage people to come forwards we are more of an unusual mix and what they are really looking for is a mixed couple of one black and one white parent to call up.

xx


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## Bearfriend (Mar 28, 2008)

Yeah the theory resonated with me too.  RE the research I had a look at the National Adoption register website which has breakdowns of potential adopters by ethnicity, sexuality, single/couple against breakdowns of children to be adopted by age, ethnicity etc, but the thing to remember is the information is always in the past.  As society becomes more and more multicultural I would take it that numbers will increase each year give or take.  There are children out there who will be impossible to place with an exact ethnicity match because their heritage is so mixed  or because the ethnicity of one parent is not known only guessed at etc so they really do need potential adopters with an understanding of some of the issues that may come along with this and what it might feel like for a child.  Don't be put off by either LA or VAs because they all have a bit of an agenda e.g. VAs get funded by the number of potential adopters who have children placed with them so they will be looking for adopters who it will be really easy to place a child with (often this means adopters who will accept older children, children with parents with mental health issues, children with disabilities, large sibling groups or afro-carribean adopters), LAs are more complex because it depends more on the children that they have coming through for adoption so you might make a really good parent but if they don't have children coming through who would be a match for you, you might get turned down at that time.  However generally, all social workers are aware of the need for more adopters of mixed heritage background.  Also social workers are like all people, they vary in their views etc, i went to one exchange day and one of the social workers told me that I would only get a match with a child who exactly matched me and she had never had one come through in all her years etc etc, my social worker was really p**d off with her and said that was a load of b*ll*cks!!  I think that we may not get exact matches but we will find our right child and most social workers are realistic about their child's chances to find a good match.
Bearfriend x


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## BellaBun (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi, yes, i've certainly had quite different responses from people I've spoken to so far. So I guess it's a case of persevering. A SW from a VA came round last week seemed positive and one of the LA's I called seemed positive too. (And a bit flexible on the length of time elapsed science fertility treatment as many of them are overly strict with the 12 month wait period IMHO). But the LA haven't got back to me yet. Some SW's are particularly hung up/keen on exact matching and get a bit prickly when anything else is suggested. It's really interesting about the type of adopters and the type of children that need adopting that are out there. I do think race has been over emphasised at the expense of children who need adopting. And that's not to say that it isn't hugely important. But you don't' need to have a special need to adopt someone who has a special need. Or to be straight to adopt a potentially straight (in the future) child.
BTW where did you read about the theories of coming to terms with your ethnicity?
Bellabun
XX


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