# To tell people or not?



## MrsE17 (Feb 21, 2014)

I am looking for your opinions on whether you found telling people helpful? 

I am currently on a long waiting list for ivf/icsi and am finding the whole thing so emotionally draining. My husband is great and I know I will always have his support (even though sometimes I push him so far I don't feel I deserve it!) 
The thing is that I haven't really told anyone and I wonder will it make it easier if it is just out there or if it could make it harder (I am already used to the "ooh when you having babies then..." bla bla bla) 

it's really strange as I know infertility is nothing to be ashamed of but I kinda dread people knowing? Does this make sense? It is like there is this nonsense stigma surrounding infertility, that people suffering from it know more than anyone is a load of rubbish,  yet still dread?!

I hope this makes sense, sorry if it doesn't!     x


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

This is a difficult one and ultimately I'd go with your gut instinct.

As soon as we found out that the reason we'd not been having any success ttc naturally was due to my DH extremely low/zero sperm count, I confided in a couple of very close friends and my mum and sister.  As we started the process of our first ICSI cycle the same few people knew along with a couple of DH's friends.  My mum is now retired and often accompanied me to appointments when DH was at work.

At the beginning of the ICSI cycle is was nice to be able to confide in close friends about feeling a bit poo from the DR drugs and the bulky aches from the stimms.  They knew why I wasn't drinking so didn't question it when I went out and knew that I had to take my injections at certain times so didn't bat an eye lid if I popped home during a night out.

The only people who knew the exact timing of our ET were my parents, in laws and sister.  My mum again was a life saver, she came to do my cleaning each week and took me to the supermarket so I avoided heavy bags.  As time went on those friends who knew started to ask questions about how long would it take til we knew, was it working, and I started to feel like a freak show/science experiment with them all scrutinizing my every move.  

When we got our BFP it was fantastic but also something that I didn't want to share with anyone other than my DH, parents and sister.  I felt that anyone who conceives naturally has that private time but that we didn't.  I did manage to keep it from these few friends, although most guessed as I hid a away quite a bit and was genuinely excited when a friend announced her pregnancy.

Sadly I found out just before our 13 week mark that we'd lost our much longed for baby at a scan.  I was grateful we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy as it allowed us to break the terrible news in our own time.  I sent a text to our closest friends explaining what had happened and then invited people round to talk about it all as for me, I found this helped me deal with what happened.

We're hoping to start our second cycle in April/May and have decided not to tell anyone this time.  I may change my mind as the drugs kick in but for now, I'm not under the microscope!  I will speak to my mum when I start stimming as I'd like her to come along for the scans if DH is at work and if she can help on the 2ww again (if   we get that far) that will be fab.

I know friends may guess when I stop drinking completely again, although since our loss I only have a few sneaky wines at the weekends and haven't been out that much.  I just going to say I'm getting in shape before we decided on dates for treatment - a white lie but they will understand and if they don't then they're not that good friends are they?

Sorry for my ramblings, just wanted to give you my personal feelings and thoughts, having already been through this once and about to embark on it all over again.  Everyone is different and there are no right or wrongs.  The main thing is that although none of my friends know about our next cycle I have lots and lots of lovely people to talk to about to on here and for that I'm so grateful as I couldn't get through it without this site.

Wishing you lots of luck  

Dory
xxx


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## KandK (Nov 17, 2011)

I battled with this decision too, and I am glad I went with telling people.  Just stops the lies/stories/dramas when you need to get some time off work etc.  I found that when I was honest about it, I had so many people come up to me and tell me their story as well, and I was surprised just how many were going through infertility treatment.  It also made it easier for me when I had negative cycles as people knew what was happening and didn't ask stupid questions, just gave me sympathy.  When I had the mmc so many also made the effort to tell me about their loss and it really helped to feel not so alone.  Infertility can make you feel so alone, it really helped me anyway to have other people (at work, family and here online) that could sympathize and knew what it was like.


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## MrsE17 (Feb 21, 2014)

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the luck on this try.    

Thanks for your view on  both telling&not! 

it is all so complicated! 

I am a while of starting treatment yet (its a 18 month waiting list! :-( ) but after reading your experiences I think I will keep it between just the 2 of us. I can totally see what you mean by having the time to take it in yourself whereas under treatment you are under scrutiny! 
I feel the same about finding out. when ttc naturally you have got that surprise factor to add to the joy.

Good luck for your up coming journey! xx


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## MrsE17 (Feb 21, 2014)

KandK that's one of the reasons I ask is that it is such a lonely journey!
Also I am due to go away with the husbands side of the family at easter and am dreading it to be honest. There will be one person who has just had a baby, one heavily pregnant (also with another under 1) and a load of other babies. I am dreading the "ooh when are you going to try", I just want to scream that its not as easy for some! 

I am really torn between telling people (if only just to shut them up!) or just keep it between us and avoid potentially worse questioning! 

 jeez even this side of it is hard!  

xx


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## KandK (Nov 17, 2011)

If they are the type of people that you don't feel comfortable being put under the microscope so to speak then by all means don't.  Some people it is intensely personal and for others they can be more open.  Do only what you are comfortable with.  Me personally I hate making up stories/fibbing/out-and-out lying    and can't keep stories straight if I do manage to spin one, just prefer to be open about it.  My family were all great and I got a lot of support from them and also people at work that I wouldn't normally count as "friends".  Lucky you have this community online, you can share as much as you like with others who have been there too - it really helps.  If in your real life you don't have those type of people or you feel bad about it then share only what you are happy sharing.  I used to tell nosy distant relatives when they asked when are you having one? with "we are having too much fun practicing at the moment" and that usually shut them up


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi MrsE17, to tell or not to tell...it could go either way and you might be surprised ( not always pleasantly) at people's reaction so please think carefully as once the cat is out of the bag you cannot put it back -- if you know what I mean.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I find it so much easier people knowing, and haven't had one negative comment. Don't get me wrong, people say stupid thoughtless things sometimes but all this IF/IVF stuff is alien to them, they don't spend the hours online learning about it like we do. I have found by talking about it the silly comments have stopped. I haven't told everyone, but close friends, my family (it itsnt a big family!), a few close work friends and my manager. I don't go into mega details, just "we are having treatment at the moment" (though my mum, dad, and one of my best friends know every little detail).

I suppose it was easier for us as I had gynie health problems anyway so most people actually assumed  we were IF anyway. I do think it's really sad that some people get negative reactions from people about it. I find it so much easier not having to lie and having a number of people to support me. There is no way we could do it on our own. People don't need to know everything, they don't even need to know that you are having (or waiting for) treatment. Even if you decide to tell no one I would seriously think about just telling one person; and don't discount people with children, one of my most supportive friends is the one who has children like most people have colds - one a year without even trying  xxx


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## olivepuppy (Jun 22, 2012)

Most of our friends and family know that we are struggling, we got fed up of the constant it'll be you next and other comments and just found it easier to tell them what was happening. However, we haven't told them that we are going through the application for egg sharing atm (my mum knows I have having bloods but that's it) and if we are accepted we won't tell anyone when we are having IVF. The reason being is that I don't think I could cope with them all knowing exactly when etc and I couldn't cope with their disappointment as well as out own, there is only so much sympathy I can take. I feel that it is some my husband and I should do alone and if we are lucky enough to get a BFP I want to be able to tell people we are pregnant in our own time and it not be that the IVF has worked. If that makes sense!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

We tried for 6 years for our first child and were very open about it.  Generally speaking i think it was the right thing for us. But think there are pros and cons either way.  When i finally had my daughter people were so so pleased as they know we had struggled for a long time, and believe me that was amazing.  But just because you tell people, doesnt mean their understand! Also people say the silliest of things.  I think that most people know something about infertility and unfortunately they just end up apply it to your case.  Eg i used to get "carnt you use a surrogate or why don't you just use a donor" neither relevant to our case.  Also when it was discovered that i had a chromosome problem and needed pgd people used to joke "o that explains why you are the way you are!" thinking it was funny!! 


good luck


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

telling people doesn't make it easier it just means you have to put up with all the weird comments you will get (and you will get them, and they will be from the people you least expect, and usually the oddest stuff is from the people you most thought you could trust).

from people assuming it will work - i have had comments (from dearly loved friends) like 'congratulations' (when i told them i needed ivf) - wrong on so many levels... i just told you i needed to spend huge amounts of money putting potentially dangerous drugs into my body with only a very slim chance of success..
to 'you did well to keep it to one ' - on telling someone i had finally managed to get pregnant after 3 cycles of ivf including a miscarriage.. they thought ivf guaranteed twins...


to indifference ('well, good luck with that') from my mother... to mild horror from my father - convinced i will give birth to some alien synthetic creature not a 'normal' human being...

to over-interest (DH's father calling every few days wanting every last detail (embarrassing, awkward, too personal) )

to things like 'you don't know what you are letting yourself in for' (from a friend with a gorgeous toddler daughter who assumed a) that i was guaranteed to get a baby at the end and b) thinks parenting is a chore..)

to people instantly thinking it's ok to tell you every horror story they ever heard.. to people telling you all about the treatment they read about last week..

and a lot of the time there's nothing to tell... people asking 'how's it going'... what do you say? still not pregnant? then when you have a tentative bfp or a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy....and they're there asking... some stuff is personal! sometimes it's too early to tell people... and the worst part of that is if you end up telling people early or people assume (from your treatment-bloated body) that it's worked..only to have to tell them it hasn't... or have the joy taken away of finally being able to tell people for sure. we didn't tell most people until i was 20 weeks pregnant - including not mentioning the miscarriage last year.. it meant we were more confident to tell them and they could really enjoy celebrating with us.. and the bfn and the miscarriage could be talked about as 'just something that happened' and not turned into gossip...


good luck, but keep quiet.


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## Ljp64 (Nov 23, 2013)

Hi Mrs E 
Most people close to me and my DP know about my history and that we can't conceive naturally. A few know that we will have IVF but not the specifics, I have told my best friend, mum and sister the dates that we start treatment. I have also told my boss because I will have to have some time off. I didn't tell more people about when we start treatment because I think if I don't get a BFP and people are asking me if it's worked I Einthoven be able to handle it. I am really glad that I do have some people to confide in, I guess it's down yo personal choice.
Good luck with your treatment. 
Lisa


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

I think it also depends on your situation - and your job. Ivf takes a lot of time off work for appts etc. And in some jobs you are dealing with things which are potentially hazardous to your baby.

I did find it difficult sometimes people knowing so tend to limit specifics to close friends and family and need to know otherwise. I also found a group text when I got a bfn got it over with and meant I wasn't having to tell people individually. 

I did make the decicion to be open about the fact I need ivf - and donor eggs when that became evident. I view it as my children are very much wanted and I have been through a lot to have them especially with my endo. I don't like the stigma that some still seem to feel - and I fought against feeling myself - of being less a woman as I was ' barren'.  Until more are open about it, and the fact it doesn't always work first time and you don't always get twins ( tho I did ;-) ) knowlege won't become more widespread.

I also view it as if my problems can help one other person - and I know I have helped several as they have told me - then it is worth the openness. 

Good luck deciding


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

Its a toughie as you can see from what everyone has already said!  I think the key is to be careful to tell the right people.  Those that will be /supportive and discrete not all and sundry!

I have told a couple of friends, my colleague who I work closely with, my boss and my mum knows.  Dh decided not to tell his parents until there is something to tell.  I told my boss how private I feel it is, I just don't want people going "so did it work then? are you pregnant?". Or looking, guessing or gossiping!  He has already said that the pa of the CFO will probably ask questions if I'm out a lot!  She  sometimes calls him if I'm not there to tell him and see where I am!  Nosey cowbag!  I've told him he needs to tell her that it's none of her beeswax!


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

I've had a very different experience from others on here. I work in a team where your diary is 100% visible to others... And the project managers who I work with often book meetings in my diary that involve overnight stays. So for me, honesty was way less stressful than trying to cover it up. That meant that when I was out of the office I didn't get awkward questions... When stimming and I couldn't do overnight stays no one questioned it as they understood. I guess a lot depends on the people around you but I've not had any stupid comments at all.
Maybe because when I told them I gave them the success rates and took some time to share what the journey involved. Not too much as that would bore them but enough for them to know its a difficult journey with no guarantees.

What I now get is the occasional "you ok. How's it all going?" And it's up to me how I reply.

I understand that wont work for everyone - but I find it quite sad that IF gets treated almost with a stigma. How can we ever educate people if we don't communicate with them?? (Sorry - went into work mode for a moment as that's what I do for a living)
If this cycle works I know everyone will understand the journey we've been on and be delighted for us. And if it doesn't they know enough to atleast show some sympathy or understand my grief.

Each to their own I say - do what's right for you...... But sharing has given more support and understanding than I could have hoped for.

Good luck on your journey

L x


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