# Do you ever leave infertility behind when you have a donor child?



## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Hi all
I've had many years of ttc,  spent loads on treatments and basically been through the ringer like the rest of you. I have a daughter from a fet  but no luck with a sibling despite many attempts.
Next icsi we are using donor sperm as we have bad sperm. If that doesn't work it will be double donor. I've not been told anything is wrong with me or my eggs but I'm 41 and feeling I can't stay on this roller coaster much longer. I'm comfortable now with donor sperm or double donor. I really want to put infertility behind me and enjoy family and life and never think of ivf again and I think double door gives the best chance.

My question is once you have a child that's donor or double donor do you ever really leave infertility behind or is the child a constant reminder and then there's dealing with telling them and the fear the child wouldn't see me as it's mum etc. So does infertility and all the desperation and sadness that comes with it go away when the child Comes or do you stay sad?


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi there

I have had a fairly rough time of it as have so many lovely ladies on this site, I can honestly say the pain of infertility does fade an awful lot once you have a donor baby as you have got the end result you so desperately want, however I do still feel sadness of what I endured to get here and i also feel a little sad that its not my face looking back at me when I look at my daughter but i love her so much I could explode with happiness so all of that fades into the background when they are here. She is the best thing ever and I am glad I stuck out with all the horrible treatment in the end.

Good luck x


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Totally agree the pain fades and yes along the journey to get to yr miracle u think it will never happen why me!!!! But as soon as u feel that baby move see it growing boy oh boy the unexplainable sense of yes this is mine I've grown our baby it's all gone.  I love our little girl she looks identical to my sister in law and my hubby.  You know people have asked if she's mine and the answer to that is oh yes.  The fertility pain never leaves u but fades and the dream of holding nursing loving your baby is overpowering. Bring give up dare to dream and allow the time to accomplish your dream good luck X


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Artypants I think you'll find that feeling of looking at her and feeling sad will fade in a few months, I used OE but DS and still felt that confusion (I'm single btw) of whose features am I looking at, having not seen the donor it felt wierd I have to say having made children with him without even clapping eyes on him, my boys are 2 now and it's not something I dwell on a great deal anymore and I know when the time is right I'll have the conversation with them about their origins and let it lead us from there x


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

I'm sure it will, I think I am just a little conscious that everyone always comments that she looks so much like DF and never me, nobody knows shes donor egg apart from my parents and best friend but I do look at her and wonder who she comes from. Saying that I literally could not love her more, shes just amazing, I am very grateful for the amazing gift i was given every day.


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## Jes87 (Aug 22, 2013)

If anything, my daughter makes me GLAD I'm infertile. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have her and I wouldn't change that for the world.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Hugs
This question really used to bother me too KL, i thought that the only way we could leave IF behind would be if we could have a full bio child
You'll see from my sig that that is now impossible , so its a donor baby for us. I've completely come to terms with it and now my only worry is actually getting a BFP
I came to the conclusion that i would never have left IF behind regardless.  As it has changed me as a person, made me appreciate the small things, and helped me never to take anything for granted
Xxx


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Yes jes87 that's a good way of looking at it.  It's such a difficult emotive challenging journey that u go on individually and as a couple.  When you see your babies heartbeat on the scan and feel them moving inside u well wow it's such a feeling.  Good luck on yr journey my little girl doesn't look all that like me but we have such a bond she adores us yes I dread the day I tell her but she's my little girl and nothing will ever change that she was so wanted and she's our little miracle X


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## yoga31 (Jul 8, 2012)

If it wasn't for my infertility I wouldn't have my wonderful son. In fact I am glad I am infertile; if i wasnt i wouldnt have him.


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## Mrs tinkerbell (Sep 9, 2013)

My daughter is still very young but I can honestly say I wouldn't change her in any way. You can never leave infertility behind but I think even if we had not had to use a donor it would still have been our story. But now at night when I am exhausted and sat in the dark feeding her I think of the pain I felt when I thought it would never happen and I love am overwhelmed with love. I personally don't want to put it behind me its how my beautiful girl was made.


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Totally feel the same yes if we hadn't been infertile if I hadn't of gone through menopause early I would never of got our little girl she's our world she makes us complete 😍


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

I'm quite a long way down the line now - my two donor-sperm conceived sons are nearly 8 and 5. I can honestly say that infertility is something I think about very rarely. There is no sadness there any more. The only time I think about it is during broody moments when I wish we could easily have more children as I'd love a few more


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## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

I think when you have used a donor you are more sensitive about who your child does or doesn't look like and so you assume other people notice things that they wont. For example my little girl looks just like her dad, not like me at all and that's really helping with my worry about whether people will notice that a future DE child wont look like me. No one suspects my DD isn't mine - she is! But she doesn't really resemble me I don't think. 

For example do you look like your mum and your dad or just resemble one of them? I am very very similar to my sister, but nothing like my brother. If I didn't have my DD I think comments that a future DE baby didn't look like me would upset me, but since I have had all those comments about my DD who was OE I think I will cope better.

Hope that helps x


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## Anny1970 (Mar 6, 2015)

Hi everyone!!! Ladies, as soon as you become parents you have no time to think whether the donor egg was used or not. We had surrogacy in biotexcom. Firstly it was very difficult for me to choose a donor. I was afraid to choose the one who doesn`t look like me. But the database was big enough. I was able to choose the best one. The one who resembled me the most. I worried a lot about some diseases on the genetic level. My manager explained me that all the donors are checked really carefully. That is why there was no reason to worry. When our SM got pregnant I was so excited that I forgot about those years of infertility. I had great plans. I had to prepare the room. I had to buy so many things for my little baby that I didn`t have time to think about smth else. Now I am a mother. I have so many things to do that my infertility is smth I don`t even remember about!!!


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## jcaow (Dec 2, 2012)

I feel just like Tamsutbadger - I might not have set out to have a donor egg child but my daughter is so perfect I couldn't imagine anything else.

So no its not something I think about day to day and we share characteristics so bonded well (she's 11 months) but since she has been born I have thought a lot about how she will feel as I think its important to be open with her and the impact on her that the donor is currently anonymous (we do hope to get more info). So I do think the consequences of my infertility are something I will live with and she will live with the rest of both our lives as using a donor will form part of her identity however good our relationship is. I know its not quite what you meant but its a perspective I wish I known more about before....I found this quite helpful in case you're interested:

http://donorconceived.blogspot.co.uk/2010/02/lauren-burns-donor-conceived.html


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Since being pregnant and havng my son, it has never crossed my mind to feel sad, or look at him and feel sad about how I had him. I hope it is the same for you. Might it be worth having some counselling sessions at the clinic to try and resolve these feelings?


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

I'd like to echo everyone else.  My DE conceived daughter will be 3 next month and I am 38 weeks into a 2nd pregnancy using a different donor.  When my daughter was first born I was very self conscious about it but now rarely think about it. I have loved being pregnant through both pregnancies and can't imagine I would feel any different if they were OE.  I have had at least 8 miscarriages with OE and so have had some experience of pregnancy with OE but not motherhood. Having a non donor conceived child plus a donor conceived child is not something I have experience of so I cannot comment on how that feels but there is no residue of even the smallest amount of sadness or hurt when I get a cuddle from my daughter.  And like some of the others cannot imagine a different child to my DD, it took a lot of hardship but she is just so worth waiting for.

Unfortunately for some of us motherhood is not easily achieved and that must shape who we are so there must always be that experience somewhere in us.  But we are lucky to live in a time when we have the chance to use donors and that positive experience must shape us both as people and mothers, so in one way we can never leave it totally behind but we do have the option to turn it to positivity and to truly embrace these little miracles.

Morag
xx


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Morag congratulations on your soon to be 2nd baby my little girl is 3 in 4 months she's our miracle and like you just feel extremely blessed.  My little girl is so cheeky smart and adorable she doesn't look that much like me but looks the double of my husband.  I say dare to dream donor embryo is truly amazing X


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