# Past partners interviews?!!!!!



## Vanilla (Sep 6, 2005)

Hi there

DH and i went to our local borough's Open evening tonight and filled us in about the intrusions they have to make in to our lives - fair do's. We have no problem with that.

But, is it really necessary to contact past partners and interview them?? As much as my last love 10 years ago was very fond of me and I him, I certanly don't want him or his now wife to know our present private life, nor do I want my DH's ex to know, especially when she was ditched for me   I said that i thought my ex lived in France now and the guy replied that they would then travel there to meet him  

Is this a completely normal part of the process?

Don't like the sound of it and doesn't paint a pretty picture. Has put DH right off and its gonna be hard getting him back on track.

Vanilla x


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

from what  believe Vanilla they only contact ex-partners when children are involved, i.e. if you have a child with an ex-partner.

Blimy if they had to interview everyones ex's it would take em a year and a day!!!!


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## Emcon (Oct 11, 2005)

Vanilla

Our LA only wanted to get in touch with significant ex partners ie. if you live together, they didn't actually want to interview them just send them a form through the post to complete on whether or not they believe we would harm a child, it didn't matter if they replied just that we were prepared to allow them to make the contact.  I found this quite hard but my ex partner was really good about it and has completely respected our privacy.  

They do this because unfortunately a child died and had they have contacted a previous partner the couple would never have been approved to adopt.  

My DH was keen either but we perservered and it was so worth it, hopefully your DH will come round.

Good luck

Em


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I don't have any children, and our LA insisted on contacting my ex-dh. I felt exactly the same as you - our split was amicable, but it had been over 13 years, and I really didn't want him knowing about our private life.  But we both accepted it was part of the process and did what we could to give information on his whereabouts.  He is a local businessmen (quite rich I understand, but that's another story...lol) so not too difficult to find, but he took ages to send the form back, and SW had to ring about 5 times.... which makes it look like there was something to hide and I wasn't too happy.  When I was with him, I knew he wasn't particularly great at communicating in writing, and obviously that hasn't changed.  Ironically, his wife made him do it in the end, and apparently it was a good reference, so alls well that ended well.  However, SW made it clear that it could hold things up if he just didn't bother to reply, thus her insistence that he did.

I don't particularly relish in the fact that he now knows a bit about our life, but hey ho... not an awful lot I could do about it - and I certainly wouldn't let it stop me from progressing!!

Best of luck with it.

Cx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Vanilla

As Em said, sadly this is the response to a child who had been murdered by his violent adoptive father.  Had they have checked with his ex wofe and significant ex partners they would have found that he had got a violent history with both women and children and this childs life could have been spared.

That said, our LA contact any significant ex's, if you have lived together, had a long term relationship etc.  They contacted my dh's ex wife and I felt really uneasy about it.  We didn't know where she was but knew her parents still lived in our village so had the form sent there instead.  To this day I still don't know if she replied.  What worried me more was what she might summise by knowing we were going for adoption, in the end I got past caring as i was so determined to achieve my dream of parenthood.

Good luck
Karen x


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi Vanilla,

Please reassure your DH that they only ask very specific questions.  They are used to dealing with all different types of exes and some can be quite bitter like my husband's ex, who just ignored them hoping that it would disrupt the process.  She still threatens to try and disrupt the process even now that we are approved.  

All they are interested in is that you were not in any way violent.  They also asked about my ex boyfriend, but I genuinely didn't know where he was and they never followed it through.

Good luck.

Love Rianna


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## Vanilla (Sep 6, 2005)

HI ladies

Thank you for your responses. I fully understand why, such a terrible tragedy about the murdered child. Mind boggling the adoptive father got thru the system. Its just that its such a personal and private thing to do, I keep thinking of _'news that travels fast by harmless gossip' _ and it's made us go a bit doolally about it all. My ex will be a real sweetie I know he will, but his wife is sooooo chippy and DH's ex may be a tad bitter too, but not as nasty as Rianna's DH's ex!

In fact my DH is very reluctant about it all now expressing that he's not sure how he could love someone's else's child. I've told him that he'd be surprised at his feelings further down the line.

Best Wishes to you all

Vanilla x


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