# Our Adoption Journey



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

*it seems kind of indulgent to be telling this story in such detail, but I had to write it all down, I needed to process it all properly and get it all on paper, a sort of catharsis, in order to put it all to bed..Its taken me 2 years to complete it..I just couldnt write some of it.... but finally I've felt ready...*

*Warning - our journey has been a particularly difficult one..you honestly couldnt make some of it up! please don't be put off..we were quite unlucky in the turns of events but the ending is perfect*

*you might need a cuppa, and tissues, i shed plenty writing it...*

Our journey began way back at the beginning of 1998 when we first started trying for our baby. I was a nursery nurse and had worked with children all my life from my teens and I was desperate to have my own. We had been married 18 months, bought our family home and were ready to get on with it. Nothing happened. After only a few months I was panicked..this wasn't in the plan..it was meant to happen right away! The months ticked by and I started to have the blood tests - everything fine*.* 18 months in i had a lap and dye - all fine and dandy. Nothing wrong with DH either. One doc said not to really worry till we'd been trying a couple of years.. We set about reading up on ways to improve our chances naturally..we started taking high dose supplements, we got our hair tested for deficiencies, we gave up alcohol (man that was a bad patch!) we went organic and started really watching what we ate. We started to grow our own organic vegetables (this has turned into a real passion) I was dead against having any treatement.. after all there was nothing wrong with us!! Surely we just needed to get ourselves in tip top condition and voila! It would happen. But it didn't and eventually we had to concede that maybe we'd need some help. I battled long and hard with this decision, somewhere deep down I didn't think it was going to work but I felt we had to try..paying large sums of money for treatment that often had such poor odds was hard to swallow too..i constantly battled with the fact we could have so much more fun with that money!
I'm not sure where the years went. We had tried really hard not to dwell on it and had engaged in other pleasures in life&#8230;we had travelled to New Zealand twice, I had taken up some hobbies..portrait photography being one which eventually became a small business - tho not very successful - but it did keep me occupied! We did up our VW camper and went off camping and getting back to nature.
Our friends had been popping out babies all over the place and it was getting harder and harder to cope with it not being me. I had to give up my nanny job as being in the childrens arena was getting too hard. I withdrew from many of my friends and became distant with anything to do with children, previously the love of my life&#8230;it was hard, very very hard. I put myself into counselling so I had somewhere to park all the feelings I was having
In 2003, we eventually were persuaded to have IUI treatment, this being the least invasive treatment to try. The private clinic we went to thought that Dh's sperm was possibly the cause of our probs (WHY didn't the NHS tests pick on on this!!??) and so recommended just a couple of goes with IUI and then probably move onto ICSI. 
I hated doing the IUI's..hated the horrible dildo-cams, hated the injections, felt really stressed by the whole thing despite TRYING to keep calm and positive about it all. I had learned so much about health and wellbeing along our journey and interfering with my hormones seemed to go against everything I believed in. Try no.1 didn't work, but we remained optimistic, but then Try no.2 failed aswell..We both really fell apart after that 2nd go.
A couple of days after the 2nd failure some of our friends were involved in a horrific car crash..8 people died, one of our friends was the sole survivor (very badly injured) but him and his wife (who was not in the car) lost their 2 yr old son. We also lost 2 other friends. It was a terrible time and life just went on hold for months and months. The strange thing was..the day before the accident our friend and his little boy had been at our house.. he put his son into our bed for a sleep and the boys were watching footie. When he woke up he was a bit scared as he wasn't familiar with our bed so I sat and cuddled him for a minute..i hadn't cuddled a small child for ages and ages..i had withdrawn completely and suddenly it was sooo nice to do it again..i had this feeling come over me that I couldn't NOT ever have a child..even if it was somebody elses. Somehow I had to get back to who I was before.. enjoying little ones..i was meant to have little ones in my life.. It was really weird, like a switch had been flicked. That was the last cuddle I had with him, 24 hrs later he was gone from our lives forever. But he had left me his special little message. A few months later, with my photography business slowing down I took a job with an NHS respite team, working with life-limited children I their homes..it was the best thing I ever did, I really loved the job and it got me back to working with children again.

A year after our failed IUI's we decided to try again..i was convinced I had low progesterone and had started using some progesterone cream..I was certain I had the answer and wanted to do natural cycles with no drugs as I ovulated perfectly well myself. Dh's sperm had improved quite a bit too. I also persuaded the clinic to give me the lovely pessaries aswell. It was sure to work! But Try no.3 was a negative and we decided try no.4 was going to be the end of it..we'd been on the treadmill for over 7 years and I was at the end of my rope. Our relationship had taken a big knocking but we remained strong and knew that we had eachother &#8230; it wasn't worth risking anymore heartache and pain..we had to stop. I had already started thinking about adoption and had a very good friend who'd adopted a couple of years previously so I was learning loads and getting closer to deciding that was the way I felt we could go, should the worst happen. Dh wasnt ready to think about it at that time though&#8230;
Last Try no.4 was a negative..we were both utterly devastated&#8230;we were sure it was 'our turn'. We'd tried so hard..SO damn hard and my bl00dy body couldn't do the simplest thing that it was designed to do. I have to this date, never knowingly become pregnant..I never made it to test day with any of my IUI's&#8230;something somewhere is not working and I've stopped trying to find an answer to whats wrong&#8230;I have come to terms with the fact it was just not meant to be between dh and myself.
We licked our wounds by going a bit mental..we booked loads of tickets to music festivals and concerts and spent 3 months getting drunk and enjoying ourselves..it was a great time, the RELIEF that we were off the TTC rollercoaster was amazing. However we were both avoiding talking about what was going to happen next and it started to rise up like a huge wall between us. Eventually on our anniversary DH announced that he finally agreed that we could get a dog..i'd been nagging for a long time so it was just the best present..and something exciting to focus on. Not long after we had a drunken evening and we started talking, really talking again and I decided to test the water and mention adoption. To my surprise he said he thought he would like to find out more about it. I was so shocked and surprised, I really thought it was going to take him longer to come round to it but he was ready. So we were getting a dog AND going to adopt..things were looking up!
We went to an info evening at the Local Authority Adoption Agency and luckily weren't scared off as I had been primed by my friend as to the scare tactics they use initially! We knew we wanted a youngish child, preferably under 2 and of course they told us that it was unusual etc etc but I knew one would come our way in time. We were only 5 months post last IUI treatment at this point so were told it was unlikely we would get on the next prep course&#8230;even though it would be 7 months by then..i was desperate to get going and was really disappointed but had to go along with it..As it turned out we got a little puppy at the time the prep course would have been so we had something else to occupy us instead!! Life was great,, so much hope for the future and a little cute furbaby to love in the meantime. Our lives revolved around the dog and we decided it was great practice for getting kids..something getting you out of bed early in the morning and not being able to stay out the night on a whim!! We spent our weekends out walking and it really changed our lives..he really was our little baby and we loved him to bits.
Eventually we got on the prep course 11 months after the last treatment .. February 2006..By the end of it Dh was convinced it was the way forward and we were on our way! We met our SW in April and homestudy began. We were really impressed with the agency, everything seemed very well oiled and and though our sw was new and very young she seemed (and is) very professional. I doubt if we'd have got through later events without her. At the beginning of our homestudy our SW stated she intended to have us at panel by the end of August so all visits were planned in according to that..wow we thought, all so slick! We had just one issue which we'd flagged up right at the start to get it out of the way. It concerned DH's uncle who had been in prison and had recently been released and lived within 5 miles of us. We were told it was a concern but wouldn't stop us from adopting. We were honest that we weren't sure one way or the other of his guilt..the general consensus within the family was that he had been wrongly imprisoned but we had always sat on the fence and with regards to the adoption we would play things very safe with any contact we had with him. This seemed to be the correct stance at the time. By June we were well on our way with the homestudy..only 1 session left before the SW was going off to write the form F..and panel was booked for the end of August .. all was well. Then suddenly our sw came and said after a discussion with her manager Dh's uncle was suddenly a huge problem and everything had to go on hold till some more info had been sought. She was clear that this might well actually stop us from being approved. The problem was some information had come to light about Dh's uncle (they wouldn't tell us what grrr) and coupled with the fact that we hadn't 'accepted' his guilt they were concerned we might potentially put a child at risk. &#8230;The Agency hadn't ever come across anything like this before..it was a unique case and they had to be sure they were doing the right thing, but it was potentially the end of the road for adoption and us.. We were completely devastated..it seemed once again doors were closing in front of us..it seemed so UNFAIR that we should be penalised in this way. We had been told our references were brilliant, we were ideal 'candidates'..to tell us now that we might not be able to go ahead was ridiculous. We were told it would take a couple of months to sort out..panel was cancelled and we had to go on a course about how to protect children. We had yet another summer holiday in limbo, wondering where our lives were going, stomped the local fields with the dog over and over trying to make sense of the situation, went on this course and eventually it was decided they would take us to panel in October and hope that panel would see this issue as dealt with satisfactorily. It was not a nice way to go to panel, feeling that there was a real chance of being turned down.
However, panel could see everything had been done that could and our SW had written an excellent report and we were APPROVED for 1 or 2 children under 5 on 12th October 2006. It was such a relief, finally we were getting somewhere, nothing could stop us now..we just had to wait for our child/children to find us.
Quite quickly after panel we were matched to 2 little girls but after reading the profiles we decided they weren't the ones for us. Nobody can prepare you for what its like to turn down a child..we felt guilty and worried that we hadn't made the right decision, but looking back if you don't feel its right, then its not.
In the December I had a horrible incident with our dog..he was 14 months by then..he bit me without warning over a rabbit he'd caught and I was wanting him to leave. He bit me badly enough for me to need to go to hospital. Despite hoping there would be a way round it we knew he'd have to go. I got a dog behaviourist in to make sure and she recommended we have him put to sleep. We were distraught and inconsolable but we knew we would never be able to relax with a child in the house. We didn't even contact SS, we knew what they would say. So we had to do the deed and its was the worst moment in my life..to see our beloved furbaby go to sleep before our eyes was just awful.. our hearts were broken in two. Life seemed so very unfair, it seemed like whatever we did something else came along to knock us down again.

In the New Year another we had another possible match, but again it didn't feel right. We found it really hard looking at profiles and waiting for the 'tingle' to tell me this was our child/ren. It was much harder than I'd anticipated. Then we heard about another sibling pair who seemed a good match..we had to wait AGES to get their profiles, literally weeks and weeks. We liked what we read enough to meet their SW and were just starting to commit ourselves a bit more to them when we found out the match wasn't going to be suitable because the birth mother had moved very close to us. We were disappointed but in our hearts knew that if a match wasn't going to be right then it would show itself somehow to us&#8230; this was therefore a clear sign. We were quite exhausted..trying to mentally bond with potential children really takes it out of you, I found it hard to sleep and worried all the time that we were making wrong decisions. 
So that was a Tuesday at the end of March when we found out it was all off..Then on the Wed I got a call from our SW..she said it was about another match... Flippin heck, talk about having to re-set your brain again! I remember it so clearly - I was at work and was doing a shift in a childrens ward so couldn't talk, I shouldn't have even had my mobile on! I was so frustrated! I told her to ring DH and then had to wait till my lunch hour to phone him..I was on tenterhooks!!
DH told me what the match was a little girl aged 13 months with the potential of a sibling at that time unborn but supposedly due quite soon (in the event he wasn't born until September!) We had been selected because of my childcare experience and having 2 close in age would be hard but they felt we would be able to cope. I loved the little girls name but there were some medical issues to look at. That evening I pored over the internet researching the issues, but I couldn't find anything that put us off. The Form E arrived in the post the next day and we knew by the end of reading it that this little girl could potentially be for us. A meeting with her SW was arranged for the next day!! We saw her photo and listened to the SW's updated news and we felt this little one was right for us. Her SW said she was sure we were right too and behind the scenes had been hoping we wouldn't be matched with the sibling group as she really wanted us to have Littlie! There was one teensy issue..a lady who'd adopted littlies older half sibling had expressed an interest in her too, and seemed quite intent on using the legal system to get her but we were told she wasn't suitable and that SS wouldn't agree to placing littlie with her and that placement orders for children were secure enough that there was nothing she could actually do. We trusted them..oh how naïve looking back!
We arranged to do what our LA call a 'blind viewing' - where you get to view the child before commiting to the match..with older children you do it without them knowing, such as posing as a visitor at their school, but with Littlie we could visit her informally in the foster home.
So a week after first hearing about her we went to visit and were bowled over..she was so diddy and cute, crawling all over the place and full of fun and mischief. She crawled over the dh and wanted to be picked up (rather against the rules but the sw said it was ok.) I thought my heart would burst seeing him hold her..it looked so right. We got on really well with FM and after ½ hr we tore ourselves away and waved bye-bye. We stood outside and just looked at eachother and said 'that's our little girl!' we told the SW we were definitely wanting to go ahead and then we drove home, me texting everyone saying we'd met our new daughter! We went for a walk on one of our old dog routes, it just felt right to do, and stopped for a pint at the pub where we just kept looking at eachother and smiling and staring at the 3 very bad photos I'd taken on my camera.
Everything just rolled from there, panel was set for mid May and intros would start a week later..we would have littlie home by the beginning of June. I was in heaven, all the things I'd dreamed of doing I suddenly had permission to do..i could wander round Mothercare World quite legitimately and could pore over baby catalogues for hours if i wanted. I remember one Saturday morning DH and I going to NEXT and buying a couple of outfits for OUR child..so many times I'd bought for other peoples babies, now I could do it for my own, I had tears in my eyes as we paid. We started getting littlies bedroom ready..friends jumped aboard and gave us cots, equipment, clothes, toys&#8230;one benefit of being the last of all your friends to have children!!
Suddenly panel was upon us and it went really well..until the issue of the other lady came up..but again we were told (and they actually consulted the legal team during panel) there wasn't anything she could do, despite the fact that she had now made it known she intended to apply to court for a residence order. The panel recommended the match and we were thrilled. We swapped contact details with the foster mum and for the next 7 days she sent us a new photo every day which was lovely. Our friends held us a surprise baby shower which was so lovely, we felt well and truly spoiled..I left my 2 jobs and Dh started his leave from work a few days early as we both had Birthdays. For his 40th I had done a surprise flower bed for him containing 3 wooden pillars to represent our new family, each with a lantern on the top. I smiled every time I looked at them.
We had an introductions planning meeting scheduled for a week after panel, after which intros would begin..we were just waiting for notice of the ratification of the match..littlies SW assured us it would be ratified in time. We could hardly sleep the night before and on that morning sat in the sunshine on the patio and literally couldn't wait for the minutes to tick by&#8230;
And then the phone rang..it was littlies sw saying there was a problem..the independent decision maker had refused to ratify the match because of this problem with the other lady..she thought not enough groundwork had been done to make sure this lady want suitable as a match for littlie. We were stunned, absolutely floored..how on earth could this happen? How could SS build us up all this way to suddenly pull the rug..it was barbaric. Everybody seemed in a panic..this had never happened before..the legal team were flummoxed, nobody could answer our biggest question..what was going to happen?
The following weeks were/are a blur, we were in shock for a while..there we were about to bring home our long awaited child and then it was all off. I actually felt like I'd had a kind of miscarriage or late term loss ( although I've had neither so obviously can't compare) the grief was indescribable. I remember phoning my Mum, supposedly about to become a Grandma for the first time, and listening to her cry down the phone in disbelief&#8230;.our families had fallen in love and were devastated too.
I busied myself trying to find out the facts of how this had been allowed to happen and spent days writing and re-writing complaint letters. Social Services felt their hands were tied..AGAIN we were a 'unique case', this hadn't happened before. They had to go and visit the other woman to have a face to face meeting with her and confirm again that she wasn't suitable. This took a month! At that point the Decision maker did ratify the match but then we had to wait for things to go to court (for this woman to attempt to get the residence order)..its all very complicated and I wont even try to go into it..but the first time, early July, the judge deferred it as it was too complicated and needed someone more senior..can't tell you how frustrating that was! The second time, mid July, the more senior judge wanted more information from the SW's and asked for the case to be heard again in September. Well by this time we were reaching the ends of our tether..we had been waiting 2 months since it had all fallen apart and now they were saying Sept..it was too much and we decided for our own sanity to pull out of the match..it felt jinxed, this little girl must not be meant to be ours. We asked our SW to come over after and we told her our decision, she was very supportive and was clearly upset for us..I clearly remember when we were waiting for her to come I played Cold Play 'Fix You' at top volume whist I sobbed and sobbed..'when you try your best and you don't succeed' 'tears stream down your face..when you lose something you cannot replace' when I listen to that song now I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I stared out of the window at the 3 pillars in the flower bed and wanted to dig them all up (but would have been a big job as they were embedded in concrete!)
The next day we packed up the lovingly decorated nursery into the loft, I couldn't look at it any longer..and we tried to make it into a cosy spare room. We returned all the gifts from the baby shower, it was absolutely horrible.
We decided to try and move on, we'd wait a few months and see how we felt about the whole adoption process in a few months..at times I really felt like I couldn't go through it again with another child..i felt like I'd never trust a SW again. I started to look for a new job, and we went on holiday. We also looked into having some counselling (I demanded SS pay for this, which they did) to help us get over the trauma..I was finding it difficult to move on and really say good bye to this little girl. I was really miserable and life was very hard. DH and I clung to eachother for dear life and just got through the days. I remember one day Whitney Houston 'I will always love you' came on while I was driving..the words were so poignant..'I hope life treats you right, I hope you have all you dreamed of, so goodbye.....' I could hardly drive for tears..I really felt like I was saying goodbye to our little girl for ever.
Then at the beginning of Sept, our SW asked to come over for a chat about how we were finding the counselling. And she then dropped the news that they'd been to court the day before and that the other woman had pulled out from her quest to get Littlie..actually she had been 'advised' to and the judge was very scathing of her timing to apply for the residence order as she knew she was holding up an adoptive placement. So our SW wanted to know if we would re-consider the match. I had just spent a few weeks in counselling working my way through moving on and was just coming to terms with it all, and suddenly I was being asked to flip it all over again, it was bonkers! We were initially cautious, we didn't actually believe it was going to happen..it took a week for us to feel that we could actually turn the feelings around and be able to bond again with her..now aged 18 months..we asked for an updated video and when we saw that we felt again that she could be ours. In the middle of it all her baby brother was born and went straight to the foster carers where littlie was so we knew we'd be seeing him all during intros which could be hard, but we had to try not to think about him and focus on her.
So out of the loft came the cot and we re-installed the nursery. We told our friends that it was all on again and everybody was thrilled for us, so many people had been hurting along with us. The Foster Mum emailed me some new pictures and I got some copies done and framed them with 2 little notes along the bottom ..one for mum and one for my sis..saying 'will you still be my Grandma/Auntie' we wrapped them up and took them over to mums..well there was an explosion of tears when they opened them, to cry such tears of joy after all the tears of pain was amazing.
The first day of intros was like a dream come true, we could barely believe we'd finally got there. Our little girl had grown up a bit but was just as beautiful and funny and straight away wanted to play with us. She said 'Mummy ' and 'Daddy' on that first visit which was lovely. The introductions went really really well, we got on fabulously with the foster family and littlie transferred her attachments in a textbook manner. Those who've been through it will understand the magic of that time, its like being in a lovely bubble where every day brings new wonder and awe, you never get it back again, its fantastic. The first time we put her to sleep in our cot for her daytime nap was the best..she went down like a dream and I sat at the top of the stairs listening in case she cried out. I cant explain the feeling of finally having her asleep in our house, after all the hassles she was here in our cot! Of course her new baby brother was there in the foster families house all the time during intros but we successfully managed to keep our eyes firmly on Littlie and her needs and he was so tiny that he didn't really do much anyway. It was hard not to think 'he could be ours too' but we had to remain focussed.
Placement day, 11th Oct 2007, was very emotional and we felt awful taking Littlie away from her foster family, she'd been with them since she was tiny, but she was raring to go and leaned out of the foster mums arms into mine and was desperate to get into the car..she waved from her car seat and shouted bye bye and blew kisses whilst we all sobbed..dh had to stop the car around the corner because he couldn't see to drive! When we arrived home my wonderful mum had decorated our doorstep and left a dinner and gifts, bless her! The foster family had sent us off with all sorts of gifts and goodies so we had a proper party atmosphere all day..it was perfect! Our little girl settled in to our lives beautifully, from day one she slept and ate well and was and still is a really happy little soul. She brightens up a room with her cheeky smile and blonde curls. The sw's were really pleased with how well it all had gone finally and the 1st review was actually quite emotional as everyone was so relieved we'd got her home at last. At the 2nd review in January everyone was agreed that we could submit our adoption application and off the paperwork went.
Shortly afterwards we started getting information about how the process was going to work in relation to us also being placed with baby brother. We were having monthly contact with him and the foster mum so that Littlie wouldn't forget him which was great for her. We however were keeping our distance emotionally as after our experiences we weren't going to give our hearts away in a hurry again!
We had a have a mini homestudy again to update our Form F which only took a couple of sessions. We asked not to go to matching panel or even know when it was after our previous experiences and though we had to go over and over our reasons, they finally agreed. We were under some pressure to accept that things could move quite quickly..however we asked that it be at least 6 months from when Littlie was placed, possibly more..of course we wanted babybro but it was very important not to upset the good work we'd already done. Also we had our court date looming and we really wanted to have Littlie be officially 'ours' and have a party before we started turning into a family of 4..we'd waited so long for her that we didn't want things to be rushed. We went to court on 28th April and nearly missed it due to bad traffic! A week later we threw a big party to celebrate and invited family and friends to say Thank You for their support..it was a lovely day and we lit our candles on top of our family pillars.
Unbeknown, (happily) to us matching panel for babybro had taken place the week before and the SW's were waiting for ratification. Despite not wanting to rush things we did have a deadline of getting babybro home before the end of June as the foster family were going away on holiday and we didn't want him to have to go into respite care. In addition we had asked for a month to get things ready once we had the green light as there was absolutely no way on earth we were going to get his room ready before we had ratification. So time was ticking away into May and we were wondering whether they'd been to panel yet and thinking they'd better get a move on! In the end we heard mid May - it had taken them 3 WEEKS to get ratification as the paperwork had got lost after panel..can you believe it!!?? It had definitely been the right decision not to go to panel..we'd have been passed out with panic if we'd been waiting all that time for ratification!
So, we were matched..properly..with babybro aged 8 months and a manic month of shifting things around upstairs began..the contents of our last spare room needing to be relocated around the house YIKES!. We couldn't believe that we were going to be a mummy and daddy again! We upped the contact with babybro so that littlie (now 2 and 2 months) and him could really get used to eachother..twice a week, some at the foster carers and some at ours. I was reticent about taking littlie back to the foster carers in case it unsettled her but it was impossible not to in the whole scheme of things and she took it all in her stride. We finally allowed ourselves to pick him up and cuddle him as we had held back till then..the sw's made big deals about how difficult it might be as he was at the key age for separation anxiety, but he was fine, and it was lovely to hold him at last.
Introductions started properly mid June and went really well..babybro was so used to us and his big sister by then that he just went with the flow and the transition was really smooth. Placement day was emotional all over again, this time the Foster Family really felt the loss, when Littlie had moved babybro was still there, this time they were left with an empty house. But it was another momentous day nonetheless and we were pinching ourselves all over again. Littlie didnt really understand that he was staying, everytime someone came to the door she thought it was the foster mum coming to pick him up! She soon settled into it all though, quicker then we did I think, we struggled with our world being tipped on its side for the 2nd time in 9 months! It was hard work juggling two, but despite the upheaval we couldnt have been happier, we felt, and still do, like we won the lottery. Babybro has very similar colouring to me and I felt very connected to him, he was very cuddly and I distinctly remember soon after placement him nuzzling and 'aaahing' my face just as he used to do to his FM, and I felt like he had accepted me as his mummy. The real heart-tugging 'love', as with Littlie, kicked in around 6 months, I used to get tears in my eyes when he cuddled me, my baby boy. 8 months after placement we went to court, and babybro became legally ours, the journey was over at last. We had a party to celebrate, we had installed another pillar and lit a 4th lantern on top, and we released 4 sky lanterns into the night sky..to signify the end of the journey, and also a new beginning as a family of 4. .

Its coming up 2 years now since babybro was placed..littlie is now 4, and he is 2 ½. I have no idea where those 2 years have gone! Life is just great, we are a real happy family of 4, its all we dreamed of and more. Yes, we have ups and downs, life with 2 small children is tiring, draining, the work never stops, and it goes on day after day with no break..but that's no different from 'normal' parenting. The children are secure here, really secure. They get on remarkably well as siblings, considering their time apart, though obviously they have their moments, some days more than others! Littlie is starting to learn her adoption story and we have had some interesting conversations..its hard and she doesnt really get it properly yet, but she's getting there. Babybro parrots his story off too! We still see their foster family regularly and the children see them as sort of special Auntie and Uncle. Littlie in particular is always thrilled to bits to see them. 
They so far don't show any signs of being disturbed by the huge move they made to live here, they seem extremely settled. I believe some of the decisions we have taken with our style of parenting have really helped them be more secure. The added layer of complexity that bringing up adopted children brings means that we still always put the children first in whatever plans we are making, and that often means putting ourselves last but it works for them and that's what is important at the moment. I didn't take these children on to have an easy life, I believe as a mother my job is to be there 24/7. I love being a full time mummy and have never taken a job more seriously, these 2 little beings are our world and deserve to have me here cherishing them every single day. We have decided to home educate them for their first few years of primary, possibly longer. I might have done the same for any birth children I had, but for these 2 I feel it will be really beneficial to be together for a bit longer, we have missed vital time together in their early days, we have catching up to do! There are many other reasons we have chosen this route but I have waffled enough!

In closing I just want to say, (if you have stuck this far and are still reading!!) our journey was the worst and best thing I have ever done all rolled into one!! We couldn't have dreamed of a better match with our family, the children are becoming like us more and more every day, they have fitted into our family like a pair of gloves, their Grandparents, aunties and uncles love them to bits and the love is reciprocated again and again. Every night I have the same words in my ears as I leave them tucked up. ..

Littlie: I love you THIS much Mummy!
Babybro: my lub you Mummy (accompanied by a stroke of my face)

what more could a Mummy ask for?

Thanks for reading

kj x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi kj   

It's 3am and I am up feeding W and just logged on for a quick peek at recent posts and saw yours. What an emotional piece of writing to read, I can't imagine how emotional it was to write 

thank you for putting your journey down on paper for us to read, I for one know how up and down an adoption journey can be 

such a joy to read the final fantastic outcome 

Suzie x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

oh KJ   


I remember you going through all this at the time, I have tears in my eyes for you.   


Thank you for sharing your full story.  It is so wonderful that they are both home with you and settled.


 to you all.


Bx


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

KJ... so beautiful      ... after all this you still made the time to help me when we were deciding, thank you your truely special xxx... and reading about he accident was      xxx

I could just see your little ones faces as i was reading it, so lovely xxxx


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

both heart warming and heart breaking! xxx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I popped on here for a quick 'catch up' and somehow ended up here.

OMG WOW! is about all I can manage at the moment!   
I had tears in my eyes through most of that!   

What an amazing story, and what a beautiful happy ending!

I have been on FF friends for quite a few years, and although I have seen you 'around' I don't really know you (I used to be 'Angie X' btw), but I feel as if I do after reading about your incredible journey.

Thank you for sharing your story, some bits must have been so very hard to write   

Love Anj x


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## Rachel B (Apr 2, 2005)

KJ

Thank you so much for sharing your story in this way.  It's heartbreaking in so many places, but ultimately very inspiring.  I'm so glad you are now a Mummy and Daddy with 2 such lovely sounding children.

I haven't posted on here since about 2007 (trying to forget about TTC!!) but hopefully you remember me from the IUI girls and our get togethers.  I still have the flower photos on my wall!

I came on here as we are now starting the adoption process, and have our preparation course in July.  Very excited but very scared!

Rachel B xxx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

fantastic story.  sitting with tears, but happy one's for u and ur family. x x x x x x


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## 3littleangels (Oct 5, 2009)

Thank you for sharing your journey with us all. I am so happy for you and your dh on finally becoming a mummy and daddy and giving two children a chance at happiness with  lovely sounding family and friends too. Heres to many happy years together xx


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## Gen (Dec 9, 2004)

Thanks for sharing your adoption journey!  a very emotional journey, with a lovely ending and beginning, now that you are a family of four.  Fab!!


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## Hope_1987 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you for sharing your rollercoaster ride, so pleased you got to where you are now with 2 amazing children.
What an great story, best of luck to you and hope everything is going strong for you - you deserve it!  
I have always said coming here on ff puts into perspective exactally what i am going through and that there are people going through a hell of a lot more than i am! this story also shows that there is happy endings - well done hun you deserve every minute of it! xxx  xxx


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

This is such a wonderful story and I had tears in my eyes too. What a lot you've been through - but what a wonderfully happy ending!   Really happy for you and your lovely family.   xxx


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## KatieTiger (Aug 16, 2010)

I just read this today and wanted to say thank you .  It is very inspirational and a real eye opener.  May you all have a wonderful life together.x


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Didn't want to 'read & run' but after crying almost solidly throughout your story (so similar to ours!) I need fresh tissue and a glass of water! Thank you x x


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

I dont know what made me read this but I am so glad I did.

I was crying my way through your story and when you decided that maybe Littlie wasn't for you I was shouting at the PC that she was!! I am so glad things worked out. I am still crying now but with happiness.

May the coming years bring you and your gorgeous family all the health and happiness you deserve

Love Shrimper xx


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## Heluerto (Aug 5, 2008)

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am just starting to think about giving up on intervention for conceiving, so very inspirational and moving.  Thank you!


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## dippymoo86 (May 26, 2010)

Thank you for writing this. My hubby and i know that eventually adoption may be our only option and its good to see that there are some success stories even though it is a long and scary road. Congrats on your two little ones
kay x


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## Stelbud (Feb 8, 2011)

This is a great story, it's looking more and more than adoption is the only route for us and this story gives me hope.

Thanks,
Stelbud xx


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

A fantastic read! Thanks for putting it all down. It has shown me that perseverance works!! Also, an insight into the process. Hubbie and I are thinking about adopting.... You have really helped me. Thanks and have a happy life with your family. Well done! 


Noodles xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

that really is an incredible story -to go through so much but glad you all got your dream of being a family!


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## Angels4Me (Apr 8, 2006)

kj -  you did warn us. just read your story and like mine it seems you didnt get given the easy path a lot of times. so glad yours has such a fabulous ending/present. thank you so much for sharing......it was so a tear jerker...i was going through all the feelings as i was reading. felt for you and dh all the way.
angels x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy (Jan 16, 2012)

Thankyou so much for sharing your story ive been cying most of the way through it.

our journey is just starting and your story has helped alot xx


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## Fizzwizz (Dec 16, 2010)

Beautiful story, brought tears to my eyes. So glad you got your happy ending. I hope I get mine too!


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Keemjay, just read this finally and I'm so pleased that it all worked out in the end....I cried when I read through the heartbreak of what you have been through to be a family....thank you for sharing x


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## Inmydreams (Mar 23, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your story... And I'm so glad all worked out for you all in the end. You had been through so much and I'm a grate believer in what's meant to be will be.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

you have come through so much and I am so happy for you and your family now. I couldn't bear reading the part where your match fell through and your baby shower gifts were returned  . What an emotional rollercoaster! Wishing you many blessings as a family x


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