# Emotional wreck



## pygmy1971 (Jun 26, 2009)

Hello, i'm new on here, and i've become addicted to reading all the posts.

My eyes are bloodshot with all my tears.

Frustration, grief, resentment, anger, jealousy are just some of my feelings today.

Saw the radiant, pregnant ex-wife of my DP yesterday. I wanted to scratch her eyes out.
I told DP i saw her, but pretended she was hideous and frumpy and had loads of spots  
I think i lied as a way of coping. I did have to confess that i told porkies though, he was bound to bump into her soon, and realise she was still as stunning as the day he married her!!!!!!

DP works away, so i've been wallowing in my own turmoil alone.

I blame the ex-wife for my tale of woe. It was DP and her that made the decision for DP to have a vasectomy after all. She 'had a life instead of kids' and the pill didn't agree with her, so for DP to have a vasectomy was the answer to all her prayers.
Wasn't long before she was back on the pill, she was having an affair!!!!
DP got divorced from her in 2004, not long after he met me, and the rollercoaster ride to hell soon followed.
The divorce left DP in debt and the vasectomy reversal we paid £3000 for failed. The reversal was paid for with a BMI card, sort of like a credit card, so we will be paying for something that didn't work for a very long time, each month the bill comes is a reminder of how our dreams went so terribly wrong. Finances dictate where we go from here, and that road is the road to nowhere, there is simply no money in the kitty to try any treatments. ICSI  and donor insemination would be the only options and they would just cripple us financially.

Sometimes i feel so terribly selfish in my quest, as i was fortunate to conceive my son in 1995.
But i have such a longing, a yearning to be pregnant again, just one more time.

I've put on so much weight recently. PCOS doesn't help, but it's mostly through comfort eating.

My DP is keen on fishing, i resent him for keeping his hobby, his expensive rods/tackle could be sold to put much needed funds into treatment. When i try to explain that if he could no longer do the one thing he loved, he just has no idea what i mean!!!!! 
He's not exactly supportive either. He took me out for one day trip in nearly 5 years of being together. A trip for pub grub is his show of 'treating' me. 'It takes time' is his favourite saying. Time for what?? Apparently it's all down to money..... we live in a city, with 2 cars in the driveway, days out don't have to cost a lot of money!!!
DP and his ex-wife lived the high life, fancy restaurants, she had the designer clothes and sports car, numerous days out and lovely gifts. I just get the scraps. Thank you very much.
As far as DP is concerned, he had the vasectomy reversed and that should be a bigger sign of devotion, not material things.

How can i 'forget' my torture when i live a life of boredom. I love DP to bits, but sometimes i could just throttle him. 

Luckily i have my son to be proud of. He does so well at school and he's getting so tall. He would have made an amazing brother.

Temptation sometimes toys with my mind, even contemplated playing away from home to try and conceive. But that's not my character and i realise it's just desperation.

We live next to a school with a nursery attached to it. The reality is that in the not too distant future, i will be subjected to his ex-wife parading to the nursery with her new off-spring.
She conceived in only 2 months, and she's 39!!!!! She knows that DP had his vasectomy reversed and that it didn't work, i hope she feels happy with herself, knowing that the poor moo who picked up the mess she left is now having to suffer.
Yes, i probably am turning my attention to her, it's just pure jealousy i have  

Wow, what a load i got of my chest! Phew, i need a lie down now.

If it wasn't for finding this FF site, i wouldn't even have known there was such a description as 'secondary infertility' and would have thought i was just being unreasonable about the insane desire to conceive one more time.

I have nobody else to confide in, honestly...... nobody  

Thank you for reading and i wish you so much luck in your quest.

Vicki 
p.s. i feel a lot better now that i've aired my feelings.


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## missyb (Mar 19, 2007)

hi vicki!

wow what a mammoth post! im glad you feel a bit better for getting it off your chest. it really does help. Why dont you join the daily messages thread? the girls on there are fab and you may be able to hook up with someone who lives near you that you can confide in.

i'm so sorry you have been going through the mill. it must be really hard as dp's ex was the one that pushed him into having a vas and now she has moved on with ease and you are left with all of the frustration,debt  etc. i think i would want to   her if i was in your position too. Have you spoke to dp about how you feel regards the difference in lifestyle? 

i wish i had an answer to all of this. I just hope you find some peace even if the answer isnt forthcoming.

ive blown you some bubbles to get you started.


Amanda X


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## honeybaby244 (Jul 24, 2009)

You have a rough deal here, not sure I wouldn't be tempted to knock smug grin off ex's face. 
I have had experience of DH's ex being practically a stalker and writing/phoning/refusing to go away. I know how obsessive it is possible to be about said horrid woman and think you sound very justified in your feelings.
Love and hugs to you
Honeybaby


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