# First trip to GP to enquire about fertility tests - not much fun



## Guest (Mar 6, 2012)

Hi,
As some of you know I'm just starting out on my journey, and still getting lots of reality checks at every turn. I decided it was time to go to my GP (well, just A GP - I don't have a regular one) to find out what I do about getting fertility tests done. I figured if I could get an AMH test done, and some of the others on the list, then I'd have more info to decide what I need to do and when. I don't live near a city but I was there for a day so  I figured it was good to get the ball rolling. I'm so new to it all, I wasn't really sure the GP was the right place to start...but anyway off I went.

I told her that I wanted to get some of these tests done because I was considering fertility treatment to start a family. She asked how long I'd been trying to get pregnant and I said I hadn't been trying because I'm gay and that wasn't really an option. And that stumped her, which wasn't really an encouraging sign. Then she asked about my partner and I said I was single and she sort of stared at me and said 'So you want to be a mother on your own?' And I said yes (although strictly speaking it's not that I WANT to be a mother on my own, I just want to have a child and I happen to be on my own...) She wasn't exactly hostile, more bemused and unsure what to do with this strange suggestion. Anyway she shuffled papers for a bit and then asked what tests I needed and she said she'd need to ring the big clinic I was talking about to find out all the details because I was the first person who had ever come to her to ask for this. So off she went and I found myself sitting there thinking - the first person??  I don't know if she meant gay or single or both, but it made me think eek, I don't want to be a pioneer, I just want to be a mother! And set off a chain of all sorts of doubts in my head.

The main thing that struck me was 'Will it be battles all the way along, fending off people's judgements and defending my decisions, for the whole of the child's life?' And I thought 'Yeah, probably, so maybe get used to it'. And then I also thought enviously of my hetero, coupled friends who can go to their GP about trying to get pregnant and what warm support they would get, because they are doing it the 'right' way and it's a joyous thing. And  I thought, wow people really don't know how lucky they are. 

So yeah anyway, that visit brought up a whole lot of new feelings and thoughts for me, which a lot of you will have experienced, and may think my thoughts very naive. But that's kind of the point of this. When you're just starting out, you really know nothing - about the process, but also about your feelings and how you will react to things said or done. So it makes you feel very vulnerable all round doesn't it.... It's definitely a journey.


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Wow that GP sounds useless.  It is so luck of the draw.  A few years ago when I started looking into doing it on my own I went to see the nurse at my local surgery and she was great - suggested clinics, told me about available tests and was generally pretty lovely.  I can totally understand how your GP would have made you feel - maybe ask to see  a different GP or even explain to the GP how he/she made you feel.  I suppose maybe they don't cover this sort of thing at medical school.........
Hope you feel a bit better.  Its easy to feel overwhelmed.  I am on sperm donor choosing at the moment - I can only do it for 15 minutes at a time as I get totally stressed by it!  Its like a weird version of nternet dating (I didn't get along with internet dating at all!).
Amy


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

There are so many ironies on this journey! As for the so-called "right way" if that really was the right way, couples, marriages and children would be a lot happier than they are. The world has moved on, perhaps when many of us weren't looking. Marriage as a model works for so few these days. And I was reading in the Huffington Post the other day that the children of gay couples (men and women) and single women do just as well, if not better, than the children of married heteros. The suggestion was that those who are not on the "traditonal" path have to be far more mindful about their choices and so tend to make them work much better. And single women who are mothers by choice don't have to deal with conflict in their relationship with a significant other. Apparently the negativity of the conflict can outweigh the positivity of any support a marriage might give in some circumstances. It gave me lots to think about. 

Just keep on pursuing your dream. You'll meet people along the way who are surprised, bemused, puzzled or disapproving, but they are not living your life. Filter them out and stick with those who get what you're doing and why you're doing it and support you along the way. Good luck!

Amy - good luck with the sperm choosing. One good swimmer is all you need!

 all round!

Txx


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

hi Arran..  hope you don't mind me popping in - Problem is with GP's - and NHS docs in general is that they haev a strict set of guidlelines and boxes to tick.  When you are gay, its hard to fulfil some of those boxes for obvious reasons.  
I remember about 5 years ago, when in the office of my consultant he took a phone call from a woman who was gay (he didnt tell me this of course but it was obvious from the conversation)  Basically he was explaining to her that she could not have fertility treatment on the NHS because there was no evidence that she was infertile - evidence being lacking as she was not having BMS.  He told her that she needed to have been trying to get pregnant for a year and that lack of sperm (due to partner being female) is not a fertility issue and that therefore he could not help her.  so in effect he was telling her that she had to try a years worth of IUI with donor sperm before the NHS would consider her infertile.
so don't write off your GP just yet.  the fact that she didnt say an outright no, is not a bad sign.  I will be wishing you good luck and hope that, at the very least, you manage to get your tests done for you on the NHS.
Its true what you say, fertility treatment IS one constant round of battles and even more so when you don't conform to other people's expectations of how things should be done.  That doesnt mean you are wrong to try though.  don't let other people set your limits for you.


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

On the HFEA form I completed for my last cycle I had to tick a box for the cause of my infertility so I ticked "no male partner" as a single woman.  
The problem with the "evidence" approach is that we are actually all infertile. Women need sperm and men need eggs. There are so many grounds on which PCT decisions about the rationing of treatment could be tackled... if you have the energy that is! 
Txx


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## karenstar (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi Arran

Just wanted to say that the actual fertility clinics are very used to dealing with ladies without a male partner and treat it as a norm. 

Best wishes.
Karen


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## JustJude78 (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi Arran,

I had a similar experience with my GP as you, she gave me dating advice ie go to the gym, try internet dating blah blah blah, I want to be a mom not go out on a date! I was so hurt by her reaction that I burst out crying but the next time I had to see her she had spoken to the partners of the practice and was a totally different person (probably was told this isn't as unusual as she thinks). 

I think sometimes you can get GP's who are a little shocked and don't know what to say so the wrong things come out of their mouths. They should train them how to deal with things like this, although I don't think all GP's are the same.

I am in the very early stages like you, just had my first consultation. I sometimes think I have to toughen up to get through this but from my experience so far it is getting easier.  

Good luck.


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Similar to many of the others on here I had a funny reaction from my GP ("you're young, why not try internet dating, ect...") - but they have got better (I suppose 3 yrs down the line they know I'm serious   ). Really hope they improve    and as others have said the clinic will be used to working with people from a variety of backgrounds so won't bat an eyelid.

Good luck    and welcome to our little family, love Krissi xx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Just wanted to put another spin on it and say maybe its a good sign the gp was willing to go and find out about it-i think that she could of fobbed you off with a load of rubbish and not even tried - you will become less sensitive to it all in the end- Well done for taking the first step thats a pretty big rung on the ladder of this rollercoaster xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

first time I went to GP I had similar reaction - I live in small country village and can't imagine there are any other single women ttc in the catchment of the practice! 
ultimately you don't need a GP to refer you to a fertility clinic so their co-operation isn't essential. it's good to have because it saves you money, but you can skip the whole GP side of things if you need to and go direct to a clinic for all the tests
get the HIV/chlamydia ones done at local GUM clinic
GP won't do AMH as this isn't done on NHS. If they are feeling kind they will do LH/FSH and the rubella/CMV/other screening tests. You'll need a fertility clinic for AMH

in my experience (4 yrs ttc and now 1 yr with the boys) yes, you do come up against the occasional battle but mostly I have had nothing but support, admiration, respect and in quite a few cases envy (especially from other single women who want children but feel for some reason they can't or won't go it alone)

and whilst you may be the first and only gay single woman ttc that your GP has met, you're certainly not the only one in the country    lots of like minded women here on FF and we're here to support you along the way   

best of luck with next steps,
Suitcase
x


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2012)

So encouraging to hear everyone's thoughts. I came away feeling like I was a bit strange but I'm back on track now, thanks to everyone here 
Good to hear from people who are way further along than me, and especially Suitcase that you can be respected and admired for the decision to have kids as a single person - that never occurred to me, I just listened to the inner voices telling me it was something inferior, even though I want to do it. 
Well hopefully I've done that GP a favour, or done a favour for the next gay single woman who pops in to see her! Removed the element of surprise....
This GP was in Australia, as I'm now back here having visited home (England) last fortnight. I expect to have treatment in the UK though (at the moment) so I'll be following all your stories with interest, until I get back in about 3 months time. Thanks for the support all and good luck with where you're all at


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

certainly not inferior choice hun   
perhaps not what we all wanted or envisaged for ourselves, although I guess being gay it may be a little different in that you've known for a longer time that you would not be following the 'traditional' path to motherhood, but ultimately I think even those people who criticise recognise that it is a brave path we walk and that tends to bring respect, even if it's sometimes rather grudging

most people I have talked to about it since the twins were born - eg other mums I've met through baby groups, health visitors and other healthcare professionals etc have nothing but admiration and respect 
after all what is more admirable - knowing you want something and doing something about it, taking control of your own destiny and happiness, vs sitting around being miserable/complaining about your life and/or regretting what you haven't done?

don't get me wrong, it's not all a bed of roses and even now I have the occasional wobble when I realise that for the rest of my and the boys' lives we will be living with the way they were conceived (I used donor eggs as well as sperm as my eggs just didn't make the grade) and that we'll be constantly explaining and justifying my choices but overall I think the worries and fears are much greater when you are ttc, once the baby is here, you become just another parent/mother most of the time....

so hang on in there and good luck with next steps   
Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Like Suity said GP's won't do the AMH tests as this is usually only done in fertility clinics (and not all clinics use AMH as an indicator or use them and have the highest success resuts in the UK). 
A GUM clinic will do the infectious screening tests for you, but not the fertility. LH/FSH and Prolactin aren't the expensive tests though if you by pass you GP alltogether.

Good Luck on starting your TTC journey


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks JJ (and others) for the specifics of what tests are needed and where etc. Like I said, it's hard to know where to start, but you are all a mine of information Much appreciated.


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## Glitterintheair (Jun 8, 2010)

Unfortunately in my case I have received nothing but homophobia in all my years of being on the TTC roller coaster   I really wanted to meet someone along the way that would go 'no matter what your sexuality you are more than entitled to want to be a mother' which has been my doctor. I have battled and battled and have now had to go completely private to get any kind of service at all. I just hope everyone has a better experience than me xxxxx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Glitter,      I'm not gay, but have also not had anything done on the NHS - think it really is a hit and miss affair as to which individual GPs will support single women by providing them the basic fertility tests and which not.    I had a half hearted discussion following my second BFP about the meds I was on and whether my local GP would prescribe them for me, but was effectively told that since I'd had private tx (remembering that the bulk of PCTs in the UK won't treat single women in any case despite the NICE guidelines so pushing us into private tx) I was on the hook for anything that supported the resulting pregnancy....though of course when it comes to giving birth it is in fact illegal for the NHS not to provide assistance.    It really is a lottery out there.   


A-Mx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Glitter I am not sure if it is homophobia or anti singular, I haves paid over£90k. For treatment for myself and (gay male ) friend with No support from nhs despite iatrogenic issues throughout our miscarriage and erpc.


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Postcode lottery sucks - just wanted to mention Amh without ultrasound not that useful as pcos can give false high Amh levels!


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Hi Arran and all 
I am new here, but want to thank you already! I have been reading this thread in the last couple of days and today when I went to my GP to have my blood test and other screening to be booked, I had a nice story of some long distance relationship I would have told him, to avoid the whole "you cannot do them here" pain... I am single but also have big fertility issues having had 5 endo surgeries, and 2 fibroids removed. I thought I would like to make a point about being single and wanted to be a mother, but then decided it was worth a small lie not to pay 500 pounds privately!

Anyway GP was lovely and did not ask anything, as soon as I mentioned endometriosis I guess for him was enough...so very happy about it at least it has been useful for something.

Had my AMH privately today, so that result will come in first.

 to all of you!


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