# Advice you wish you'd been given during adoption training



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi,

We have been asked to attend adoption training as the experienced adopters who appear on the last day.  I remember, during our training,  really enjoying having a chance to speak to the families who'd been through the whole process and reached the other side with their lives in tact and a child to show for all of their efforts.  

We don't want to turn up unprepared so can I ask all of you out there if there is any piece of info you found particularly useful or if there was any advice you wish you'd been given at that stage.

We're also acting as mentors for adopters who are waiting for a child to be placed.  We waited 12 months from approval to our DD coming home so we can give lots of advice about waiting. It did occur to us that it must also be hard if there is a very quick placement,  very little time to get yourselves over the panel experience before appearing again at approval panel.  

Any advice or experience would be very welcome.  We feel priviledged to be able to help others so we want to be ready to offer support.

Thanks lots

Jules xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Jules,

One thing I remember from the adopters' talk at Prep was them saying about confidentiality. I recall the mum saying her and her DH had made a pact that her children would be the ones to tell their story when ready. She explained how difficult this was with family etc but for them it was completely the right thing.

DH and I hadn't considered enough by that point and decided what we would do when our time came and have stuck to that. I have quite a nosy family - who often make up what they don't know - and I think knowing others had walked those steps as it were has helped us remain strong and stick to our decision.

I'm not sure I would've wanted to know this or not but I was quite naive in that if child had went straight to FC at birth then it was only the one move they had to endure/cope with. I hugely under-estimated how respite is used and how it can have such a negative impact. SWs may not want that as published but it's maybe worth hinting that just because a child is in FC, there is much more reading and asking questions of the CPR that folks need to do just to ensure they understand their future children.

Just my tuppence and hope it goes well, I'm sure you will do brilliantly x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I really wish I had known about after a child comes home and applying for the adoption order. I think all we were told was you can do this at 10 weeks. Nothing about what the social workers then have to submit, the waiting on court dates and then birth parents right to try and be granted leave to appeal. It's probably because they don't want to scare or put people off, but I was not aware of these possibilities and so when all that happened to us it knocked me for six and I just had a total emotional breakdown. I do know legislation around possible appeals has changed so maybe this is mentioned, but if not I think it's really important for adopters to be aware and to know the process and support available should delays happen.

Have a wonderful time, I think it's a fantastic opportunity, I would love to do it too


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Gertie,  You are so right.  I really wish we had been more prepared for the pushy questions.  Even now I sometimes stumble when somebody who knows DD is adopted asks me what happened to her real mum and why she didn't want DD  

Lolly,  thanks for the advice.  I don't remember anybody mentioning what happens after the child is placed.  It's definatley missed from the training.  I know we are with the same VA as your familyand they are very busy at the moment and had to put lots more training in place.  Our SW approached us to do the adoption training talk and said they were short of volunteers.  I think if you mention to your SW you'd be willing to offer support they'll snatch your hands off.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We've given talks at prep. It was fairly daunting at first but we have met some of the people who have had lo placed. They thanked us for how honest we were especially around just how tiring intros are.

We also say that the homestudy sessions can be emotionally draining.

Two things we always advice are don't compare yourself to others in your prep group as every journey is unique. It can be disheartening that someone is matched and your still waiting but comparing will not help. Secondly agree a plan with your sw for updates and contact post approval panel. So many people feel lost after approval.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks loopy,

Gosh yes,  I remember feeling very resentful that some families had actually been matched whilst we were still at the home study stage and our SW was off sick.  I wish I could have a conversation with myself back then.  I was so stressed and so focused on pushing for progress I was driving myself crazy... I'm not exactly known for my patience.

We waited ages and it was worth every minute...  if we hadnt been kept waiting we'd never have met our little girl.  She needed us to wait so that fate could bring her to us.

Jules xx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I agree with lolly, we were never advised about what may happen once you apply for the adoption order and the heartache it can bring if the bp contest the adoption.
I know it may scare people, but I wish we had been told it could happen, then we would have been prepeard and it not hit us like a ton of bricks.


It's a great thing to do Jules have a great time.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Jules, I thought of something I could have done with knowing.

When you take your child home there's this euphoria, and a massive adjustment, and the early months of placement can be really tough.  We knew that, but what we hadn't factored in is how guilty I'd feel when things were tough, and when I'd wake up in the morning thinking, "I'm not sure I can do this."

I felt as if all my friends and family were either ticking me off their worry list because we had our 'happy ever after' and could have nothing to worry about now, or waiting for me to fail, because they always worried about me.  

So when things got tough, I didn't tell people how I felt, because I thought they only wanted to hear the 'happy ever after' story.  Which left me feeling isolated and as if it was only happening to me, because I was getting it all wrong...

In short, I needed to hear someone say, "your child will be grieving and might rage at you and hit you and laugh in your face to get a reaction.  This is really common, more common than you think, but it doesn't mean you're getting it wrong, and it doesn't mean your child is naturally violent or anything stupid like that.  Talk about it, get help, and you will be amazed how quickly things will improve."

I think if I were going to talk at a prep course, I'd be really honest about how bad it can be, and really honest about how much more wonderful than bad it is, and how the wonderful completely outnumbers the bad....

But I don't want to scare people off, either!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Here Here AoC!! I had read up on the AUK forums for a long while and so I think I was prepared that things could be very rocky for a while (and FC and SWs involved in our little boy thought the same so were very honest). 
However support was very lacking as tbh SWs just didn't know what to suggest. We knew our boy better than the SWs and the violence and out pour of grief was hard for the FCs to hear about so in the end we (mostly me) just bottled up and trudged through knowing it would get better.

But I think there is always the fear that SWs may misinterpret a few wobbles and sleep deprived thoughts as things are not going well. So definitely encourage prospective adopters to find their "person" to talk to but that it may not always be SW's as long as they have a support mechanism (This site was mine plus a good SW and HV who just let me be but reassured me how great Lil man was doing and he was). The "person" should be someone who can listen but doesnt always need to advise as such - I recall my mum saying to me (after a particularly tough week of being bitten, head butts and slaps all day) and my mum saying "what have you done to him to make him do that" very helpful - not! 

Personally I think SWs should buddy new adopters with another local adopter who's had children placed in last 3-6months as they've lived it (even if they don't have same problems) and they recall recently how tough some things were.  By 12-18mths into placement, it takes a prompt sometimes for me to remember just how dark some days were.

its a tough call as to how much info may scare some folks off if they are still very early in. I know there were a few couples on my Prep who hadn't yet read a book on adoption etc whereas I'd spent the previous 18mths or so gearing up to starting the journey and felt Prep wasn't a surprise.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I would have loved a buddy, and would love to buddy someone, too!

My Mum said, "who taught him that?!" in tones of great horror and distress when I mentioned he'd hit me just the once....  ugh.  She's always had irrational anxieties about what she sees as 'open adoption' as she was adopted as a baby and never had any contact with BF, plus had a foster sister who always came back from BF contact in a disruptive state.  And she often said, "I'm so worried you're not going to be able to cope...." so was in general a great support/vote of confidence... not.

It was only when, a long time after things got a lot better, I posted about it on here and what felt like a million people said, "oh yeah, we had that," that I realised it wasn't something I had uniquely made happen by being a bad mum.


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

I am with Gertie and AoC on the suggestion of an 'adoption buddy' and we have raised this point with our SW so as to volunteer as one in the years to come (provided we survive intro's and the first 6 months!). 

We are fortunate that I had 2 colleagues who had adopted and who have essentially been our buddies. Its soooo reassuring to know that when, note not IF the pooh hits the fan we have these now friends to turn to and won't feel judged or have to endure unhelpful comments like those of Gertie's mum!

Adoption buddies get's my vote, but I am very grateful that sites such as this one exist as they do provide a kind of cyber buddy!


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

I think people make a lot more allowances for you when you've had a new baby, but actually adopting is harder in many ways. When you have a baby you get loads of offers of help and you can have people in the house helping with housework, and with the baby.  When an adopted child arrives the guidance is to keep things as quiet as possible, so you can't have this in the same way.  I found the intensity of the first few days really hard, not being able to have my Mum around in the house just to chat for a few minutes , having to put people off who wanting to help, not being able to just pop to the shop for 10 mins.  We have an 11 year old too so had to carry on some parts of normal life, eg school run, getting uniforms ready, proper meals etc.  Everything suddenly took ages, eg getting out of the house because of all the stuff you need.  Then on top of that, you spend most of your time in meetings with sw's, hv's, reviewing officers, or on the phone with the same, generally with them stressing the importance of spending time with lo and looking after yourself, but then taking up most of the nap time on that phone call or meeting!
Don't be embarrassed to say its hard, and to ask for help. Friends offered help, but the first days were overwhelming and I didn't know what to ask for, often the best help was  a hug, or supportive text.  Shopping deliveries were great, friends dropped off milk etc, and after a really bad day early on someone left a bottle of wine and some chocolate on my step!

Family found it hard that they couldn't see her straight away, cuddle her etc, and we did get some comments - you have to let a lot of things wash over you (and keep the wine handy!)

Remember all kids are hard work - and you are thrown right in at the deep end.  It takes time to get to know them, their routines, likes etc, and its a huge change for them but for you too.  
Stick your freezer, set up supermarket deliveries, and use your slow cooker!


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