# adoption vs natural birth...feelings? need some answers



## Hope2005 (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi ladies


I am coming to an agreement with DH that if my next IVF cycle does not work, we will have to adopt a child. Lovely feeling to be able to give that love to a child. One of my main concern is "will adoption give the same feeling as giving birth to your son/daughter?"Also, I am interested to hear about how the child feels about adoption, are they always happy to be part of a new family, or they always think about what happened to them? 


Another issue for me is that I want to experience natural birth, give birth to a child and I don't know whether adoption will fill that gap. Will I ever see myself as a mother to someone's else child?  Will adoption fill that empty feeling of not giving natural birth? 


I am sure many of you asked the same question... I am also desperate to experience motherhood.... I see many celebrities adopting and they look really happy..so maybe it is giving that feeling that maybe I need. 


I want to ask all the people who are adopting or giving birth to their own child too..are the feelings the same or different. Do you see yourself as a mother (having no giving birth to someone else's child). A child is given to you and from that moment you are a mom- everything happens so quickly for that child and yourself...is not that you have to wait 9 months and wait for that child to talk and tell you one day "mommy"...adopting is different in many ways..how do you become a parent so quickly in that moment that they tell " here is your child", congratulations! 

I need some answers, I dont want to go ahead with adoption without knowing what the process involved. what are the advantages/disadvantages of the whole adoption process. Do you find the child you really think is for you, or the child is placed with you?

I am a woman with a lot of questions, but just because I want to do the right thing.

Thank you for listening


Love


Hope xx


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi Hope,

Didn't want to run without replying and sharing my experience of Adopting.  As you can see from my profile, we adopted a lovely little boy 3yrs ago and our life has never been the same since, in a good way!!!  Even though I felt truly ready to adopt, when it actually came to it and bringing our DS home, in all honesty it took me a good year to fully bond with him, together with mourning the loss of never experiencing our own birth child.  It was really hard and totally knocked me for six - but with the support of my great hubby, family and friends I can gladly say now, that I wouldn't change a thing.  I sometimes look at my DS and can't believe how much I love him, I feel such pride in him, that we are bringing him up into a lovely little boy.  I still get pangs of loss that we will never know what "our child" would look like, but you just remember that DNA is only minor when it comes to being a parent.  

For now family life is great and we have just been approved to adopt again.  I do worry about the future, the what if's, will he want to meet his birth family etc, but as a family we will deal with that if and when.  I am confident in how we are raising him, being honest to him about his background, that the future will hold questions for him, but he will know that we are his parents.

Also, my sister recently gave birth and I was lucky enough to be there for it.  I thought it would trigger bad emotions about not being able to do it myself, but it just made me more thankful for our DS - and to be honest the pain, I can live without   .

As you will see on FF, we are all different, but being totally open and honest with yourself and DH you will find the answers.  Good luck with your journey - for us it was totally worth it and knowing that our DS will have a better start in life is more important. 

Kind Regards
Coops


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Hope


Thought I would give you my experience too. We adopted a 10 month old little boy nearly 6 months ago after years of heartache, including giving birth to a stillborn son and a few miscarriages. It took me ages to accept I would never give birth to my own baby again but I am so glad to have moved away from iVF and like AJ really love our little boy and are so happy to have him in our life.


However, there are still days when I feel sad not to have experienced him from birth, but there are also days when I am glad I didn't (don't do lack of sleep too well!   ). What I am trying to say is that we have to live through our losses, they don't go away just cos you are a mum, but being a mum through adoption can also be fantastic! The way my little boy smiles at me, calls me mum, hugs me etc just go to show that they do think of you as their mum, regardless. I guess we were lucky to adopt him so young, I can honestly say he settled with us from day 1, something I am still in awe over. I am sure there will be challenges along the way like AJ says but there can also be challenges with birth children so you just have to prepare for it. 


I am so happy to have adopted, I did not find the whole process too bad, definitely nothing compared to IVF. And although it can take a bit of time it gives you time to prepare. And we will definitely adopt again in time. We are so convinced, that we actually left our last embryo to perish, we would rather adopt again than put ourselves through ivf again.


it is not for everyone and it can be scary at times and I did have doubts all the way up to meeting our son, bit of a sceptic me! But so glad we did it!


Best thing is to go to an info evening at a LA near you, you have nothing to lose.


Good luck!


panorama x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi hope  
we have adopted 2 children and i too was really worried about the same things as you, i really really wanted to experience pregnancy and had all sorts of plans for the type of birth i wanted and what sort of mother i would be (your picture at the side pulled my heart a little) with adoption i had to leave a lot of that behind and yes it was hard to let go of those dreams, but becoming a mother has been just as joyous as i imagined..i just misssed a little bit of the beginning. I sometimes have little 'moments' now when i see a newborn baby or someone breastfeeding but 95% of the time i'm just happy to have my 2 little lovelies who complete me in every way. i dont think i would be human if i didnt have some feelings inside now and again..you cant just take them away forever. But I mother the way i had planned and my children are the product of my mothering, they are 'mine'
maybe start doing a little reading around the subject... plenty at the library..might help straighten your head a little and help you with your decisions
hope that helps  

kj x


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

I adopted my daughter nearly 6 years ago, and for a long time the need to give birth to a child did stop, but since my sil had her third baby in july 2011 all those old feelings have flooded back and it has reminded me of exactly what I have missed out on.

It could just be me who  feels like this as I have a close friend who has also adopted due to IF and she is very content.

Good luck in your journey.


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## laura0308 (Apr 17, 2009)

Hi Hope,

Felt I had to send a little reply to this.

I have an amazing son who I gave birth to naturally 11 years ago. I can't say I ecer expereinced true joy until I had him in my life.

As you can see from my profile my DH and I tried to have children and unfortunately after 3 IVF tx we accepted that this was not going to happen.  We have now been accepted and linked with an 18 month old LO and are crossing everything that we will be able to bring him home.


Am I worried that I won't love him the same - NO.  I'm not.Whether that is naive I don't know but I do know that I love my son for the person he is, that I help create every day of his life not because he came out of me. The LO we are linked to is frighteningly already feeling like part of our family, we go shopping and my BS says oh look X would look cute in this.  Our BS wants to take LO to his favourite British holiday spot because he thinks it may be too soon to take him out of the country in the summer. So we are planning and making decisions that include us all as a family, which is what we will become. 

My BS said to the SW that blood, well it's just blood, it doesn't make you family, love does!!  SO if you feel that you can love a child placed with you then I am sure you will find that child birth may well over rated.

My sister has two adopted children and I have watched her relationship with them mirror mine with DS and that gives me hope that I am correct and we both will have nothing to worry about.

Problems and issues will arise birth children or adopted children that is just life!!! Good luck in your journey forward.

L


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