# Waiting for DH to be ready?



## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Is there anyone other Ladies out there that are ready for adoption and have been for a while but still waiting for your DH/DP to be ready for the process? Any Ladies that have had to wait for their DH and eventually gone ahead? How long have you waited?
I am so so worried, frustrated and emotional. How long am I meant to wait?
I have been talking about adoption for 3 years now but I have had 2 natural pregnancies that have miscarried since then. My last pregnancy was just over 2years ago (see signature) Since my 3rd and last miscarriage I have wanted adoption more than ever, so have been seriously considering adoption for the past 2 years. I have read all the internet threads and forums and websites on adoption. I have read lots of different adoption books from the library and I have bought two adoption books. About 6 weeks ago I contacted the LA for info and received an info pack and I am still waiting for DH to give me some feed back on how he feels and what he's thinking.
He has previously said he would consider adoption but then when I take it a step further I have the feeling he isn't ready. He can't talk to me about it. We are (after me talking about it for 3 years) only just at the stage where he will listen to what I have to say about adoption without him freaking out. Yes I guess it's progress but seriously 3 years to just listen to what I have to say and then get very minimal back as a response.....One minute he says one day we can go ahead but then the next minute he says he wants us to keep hoping for a natural conception/child......I'm starting to get more than inpatient now. I know I can't make him be ready but how long am I meant to wait. How do I talk to him about it and get feedback from him when he wont open up?
I'm so scared he will never be ready. What if he never wants to adopt but cant bring himself to tell me?
Please any input/advice/experience much welcomed because I'm not sure I can go on living my life in hope that one day things might be different. 
xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Billybeans  
Sorry to hear DH isn't on board. I haven't been in this position as my DH is adopted himself so was up for it before me. I was the one who wasn't sure. 

We went to see the counsellor at our ivf clinic and spoke to her to help with decision. It really helped me to make the decision, DH agreed to come as thought it would help me. But if your DH isn't a talker then I guess he wouldn't agree to counselling?

Would he agree to at least go to an information evening? We went to an open day and left feeling really excited and that was before I was really on board. 

Or maybe explain that you don't want to risk the pain and grief of another miscarriage. It's too much to take after a while isn't it? 
And how important it is to you to have a family. 

You are both young in adoption terms so do have time on your side. 
But it must be very frustrating not knowing which direction you will take. 

I hope you both reach agreement soon. 
Big hugs  

Best of luck

GG xxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thankyou for the reply goofygirl. I have been to counselling but DH wouldn't come with me. 
Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be info evenings in our area. The 1st step is for SW to come to visit to explain things to us.


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Oh Billybeans I could have written that post myself 12 months ago. I can completely empathise. It took about 6 years for my DH it get on board, I'd said from day dot I wouldn't rule adoption out.

I really struggle with getting any emotion from DH, he never used to share his feelings on our infertility with me, and when I was having a "moment" he would walk away. That said, September last year on holiday, when he was relaxed I explained just how much it mean to me and he gave me the usual "yea ok I will read the info" (but he didn't).

I was quite sneaky and the day I returned home I contacted LA who instead of sending us an information pack (again) said they would gladly send someone to talk to us. The lady came the same day, before he had time to freak out on me, and by she left he was much more ok with the idea. 

I was slightly hesitant about how much of him wanted to do this for him, and how much of it was him trying to keep me sweet. When we attended the prep days, he got right involved, was asking the relevant questions and even cried at some of the emotional tales told. I realised at that point he was in for himself as much as me. During stage 2 of the process he had nowhere to run and hide when facing difficult questions and I now understand why it took him 6 years to get in board. He hadn't fully come to terms with not having a biological child and really thought it would just happen for us one day. Equally, he was scared about adoption, what it entailed, and who we needed to be to fit the criteria. He also explained a lot around why he struggled to tell me this years ago, through not want in to disappoint me or hurt me.

I'm not saying you should trick him, but perhaps you could together attend an information evening, with no strings attached and once you get him there he may see it's not a negative and horrible process to follow. We took away all chances of pregnancy and I've gone back on the pill after 11 years (didn't want to be one if those you read about lol) because we just became so engrossed and happy with adoption.

I really do empathise as it's such a difficult journey to start, and you absolutely have to both be 110% in to it, that's said if you could convince him to start the basics (info evenings, chats with a social worker) without any pressure could that help??

12 months on, we have been approved and DH thanks me nearly every day for giving him the shove he needed to do this. We have become whole new people and we just can't wait to start the next phase of our life together.

Best wishes, good luck and I really hope you get the outcome you clearly deserve xxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Nicola30, Thankyou so much for replying & your DH sounds just like mine. I know my DH loves me & I know he doesn't want to hurt me & your post just sounds exactly like our journey. I am going to give him some time & then when we go away for a night for our anniversary next month I am going to chat to him again. He has to realise how much this means to me once and for all. I am just so pleased there is another DH out there just like mine. Thankyou for giving me that thread of hope that one day DH will warm to the idea.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi bb

I wanted to send you  
My dh took awhile to come around to Ivf more than adoption to be honest. With Ivf he was more afraid that if it turned out to be his fault we didn't get pregnant then I may not love him anymore. Where with adoption it was both of us doing the same journey, if that makes sense.
It sounds like dh really needs to talk to someone and you need to be honest with each other. 
Adoption is hard very much like Ivf, and you need each other's support and be very open. Ss with talk to you both about your journey to adoption and even after a few years I cried remembering my angels.
In the meantime enjoy each other xxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone!
I have had a letter today from the LA asking if we received the info pack & if we found it useful.
I'm not sure how to approach this with DH. Do I just ignore it & say nothing. Do I ring & say thankyou but DH isn't ready or do I show it to him & see what he says?


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Bb
I'd show him, and maybe tell him how much it would mean to you to go forwards. 

Good luck


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

I would show him it too.
Just ask if he would feel ok with dipping a toe finding out more, and let him know if at that point it he still feels unready you will back off ?!?

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck. I know how difficult it is when you want something and the person you love is standing in your way 

X


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I would tell him that it has arrived and just leave it on the coffee table. Let him pick it up and read it at his own pace. (This is what I did when I received. My info pack) as I didn't want to push my dh to hard and wanted to make sure he was ready.


Good luck sweetie xx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

DH and I have discussed the letter & I've replied by email. DH seems to be coming round slowly & is starting to talk about his anxieties without getting defensive, snappy & like a closed book.
We have a house to sell & fingers crossed if we sell it we can then do some jobs on our current home & then he's agreed to find out more from a SW about adoption. This makes me so happy. He has said it more than once too. So please please please, everyone pray that we get someone to buy our house soon.xx


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Oh my goodness, I am so happy for you.

Hopefully your house will sell supper fast and you will be on the road to being a Mummy very soon - once he has his head around starting the process he will get used to it, men are always just a but slower than us women <wink>


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

So glad things moving in the right direction for you.  Have fingers and toes crossed for a quick sale


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## Sarah36 (Jan 2, 2012)

Hello, my husband and I decided back in May to adopt before we had our last IVF. This was a huge shift for my husband who always said he would not adopt. We have a couple of close friends who have adopted and I think this very much helped change his view. We are now at the stage where we need to know where our life is going and my husband is very happy just being us and carrying on life as a couple, he loves me, loves our life and doesn't feel there is anything missing. Having said this if I want to go ahead he will support me 100%. I don't want to feel I am dragging him into this and although we are very lucky to have such a happy relationship I am ready for a new chapter and want us both to go into this together. I just wondered if anyone elses other half was dubious about adoption at the start? Xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Sarah

I have merged your post with a very recent thread regarding the same subject.

Good Luck  
DE


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Sarah,

This could've described my DH (he had same thoughts about BC too). We took some time just being a couple after IVF failed. I then was sure that I really couldn't see future without kids, so we went to the info evening. DH only stipulation was we could pull out if he didn't lie something ie he really didn't think he could to it. By middle of Prep he was fully committed to our potential child. DH isn't the type to go along with something as big as this for the sake (and SWs see through this) so I knew I had to let DH get there himself.

Hope this helps x


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## Sarah36 (Jan 2, 2012)

Thanks so much Gertie, I think I will book info evening in October to give him a little more time and go from there. I know bonding with a child really concerns him but he is really good without children so I honestly don't think this would be an issue. xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

In truth I think it's a concern for us all at times but especially our men folk. What really helped DH was meeting similar folk on Prep course. And other men shared similar concerns.
X


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi
My DH was not totally on board at the beginning. He agreed to come to info day though and it totally swung it for him. Was so lovely to hear him say 'I'm totally on board now!' As we skipped out! 
Now we are approved and linked with 7 month old pink. We have pics and video already and DH is totally besotted with her already.... I have to reign him back in! Good luck xxx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I think it takes just as long for men as women to adjust.

The difference is that most women have a close friend or confidant or somewhere they can talk to like minded individuals (like here for instance), men don't usually have friends they can talk to in that way, I was lucky as I found FF just as accommodating for men as women.

I would give the same advice to everyone, get the bloke on here or to a counsellor - they need to tell someone about their worries and anxieties, they may not have got over the infertility yet and may believe it will happen naturally eventually.

Oh, and it was me who wanted to pursue adoption asap, I would have skipped treatment completely, I just wanted a child to love.

I'm happy to offer my services.


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## Sarah36 (Jan 2, 2012)

Congratulations Lorella that is fantastic   
Thanks for your message Paul, my husband has 2 very close friends who have adopted so I am hoping he chats more to them about his thoughts which I think he will as the process moves on.
We chatted last night and I am booking us in to the info day in October x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

HSDad and I took years to get on the same page regarding our family planning.

The key turning points for HSDad were:

Our first positive pregnancy test --> wanting a baby
and 
Preparation group --> wanting to adopt

He says that a lot of things helped him decide to adopt:

Grieving fully for our losses
Feeling stable in our relationship
Time to think about how he felt bringing up non-biological children
Spending time with children and realising he wouldn't hesitate to parent them should the worst happen.


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