# background to "too old for Number 2 ?"



## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Hi - hope you don't mind me posting about my quandry - I just do not know whether to try again. My partner and I are in our mid-forties and have a glorious 8 month old. She is our world but I am terrified that if we don't try again now then I'll regret bringing her up as an only child. On the otherhand my partner is terrified that my getting pregnant again so quickly (if we were lucky to get a BFP using the same route as last time) - and doing so at 45 plus - will be harmful to a) my health (I had gestational diabetes) and b) will impact on the time/energy I have for our daughter. Sometimes i'll be fine with that rationale and then I'll suddenly see further into the future and worry that our little girl will be lonely without a sibling. I think my partner is persudable - certainly if i get a fitness/health MOT but I do worry about the effect my being preggars and knackered will have on our little girl. I also worry that by the time I have No.2 I'll be really ancient!!

I know I should go with my "gut" feeling - but this feeling keeps changing - it is driving me (and I think everyone else) bonkers! Anyone else out there feeling too old for No. 2 ??

JacLaw xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Kitty kat (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi

I'm 43 and I have 6 month old twins.  My husband and I were desperate for twins as like you we felt as 'older' parents it would be sad for a little one to grow up alone, especially since most of my friends have children a good ten years (or more) older.  I was also worried aobut bringing up a little adult, as I think the only children of older parents can be.  Well, since the twins were born, we have been mixing with tons of other babies, we go to baby massage, gymboree and monkey music and I meet my NCT girls with babies.  I don't feel that much older than any of the others and quite frankly most new parents are kanackered anyway, so I'm no different from them.

Have you had a word with your GP about your health.  I think that would be the major thing holding you back, quite frankly, if you are managing one babies you can do two - especially if they are so close in age.  I would look at it, if you try you've tried, even if it doesn't work out  It would be a shame to get to 55 and wonder what would have happened.

Good luck with your choices

K


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Jaclaw

I am in a similar position - I'm 43 and we have a beautiful eleven-month-old daughter but we also have three frosties I feel should be given a chance.  I developed pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant which led to our wee poppet being delivered eight weeks early and spending seven weeks in hospital because she was so wee (although thankfully she had no health problems). I was quite ill afterwards for a while as my blood pressure took ages to sort itself out.  I was worried about the risk of developing pre-eclampsia again and hesitantly (because I didn't know what the reaction would be!) asked my GP if I could have a referral to my consultant to discuss what had happened, what the risks would be of it happening again and what I/they could do to minimise the risks, etc.  My GP arranged a referral really quickly, and the appointment with the consultant was really helpful in helping me reach a decision from a medical point of view - maybe you could ask for the same re the gestational diabetes?

More generally, I agree with Kitty Kat that I don't feel too old either to look after our wee poppet or to handle another one (that is, if lightening strikes twice in the same place!!!).  I know that the first few months after the birth were hard but things are so much easier now and although I don't underestimate the extra work and sleep deprivation of a second baby - especially to begin with - we feel that we could cope.  Everyone is different, however, and I suppose you need to be honest with your self about whether you feel that you could manage.  As far as your age is concerned, however, from mixing with other mums and babies, I honestly don't think that age itself is the crucial factor in being able to cope.

I must admit that providing a sibling for our wee girl isn't my primary motivation - I do think about it sometimes but I feel that making sure she has lots of friends her own age by getting involved in lots of activities should help overcome this (though I know friends aren't a complete substitute for brothers and sisters).

Hope this helps a bit.  

Ellie


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## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Sorry for not responding earlier but my little girl had croup over the weekend, poor wee mite. Anyway, I am going to have a health check - started today with mamms and smear - and going to focus on getting the diabetes under control. If general health and fitness improve and partner is happy with medical advice we will probably go again in May. The thing is we always promised that if we were lucky to have one biological then we'd adopt but we are a gay couple and the hurdles against us adopting a baby (or even toddler) are so huge and getting bigger. We were committed to intercountry adoption but have been told recently that no country is open to gay adoption! The UK and USA allow gay adoption but, these days, the likelihood of a gay couple in their forties getting a baby or toddler are pretty much nil. We have to be honest about our limitations as to adopting an older child with difficulties or a sibling group - I wish we did have the emotional resources to be able to do so but we haven't. So seeing our daughter as an only child needed some adjusting, hence our thinking about going again. Incidently, my best friend offered to be a surrogate - she is younger & healthier -  because but hey, guess what, surrogacy for gay parents is not allowed in UK. Maybe I should see all of this as some kind of a sign that we should go again! Anyway, thanks for reading my rant! 
JacLaw xxx


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## Kitty kat (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Jaclaw

Just want to wish you good luck for all your tests etc., and getting everything under control.  It sounds to me that your health (and of course the dreaded luck) would be the only thing stopping you from trying again.

I really wouldn't beat yourself up about not being able to adopt - although it breaks your heart to know there are little mites crying out for a loving home and are being denied the opportunity.  I think most of us have ideas and good intentions of how we would like to become parents.  I know we would have adopted, no hesitation.  However, I was told that it would be virtually impossible our age.  A younger friend of mine was put through the most stressful 2 year wait to be approved for adoption by social services - to be honest, I think my ICSI was less stressful.  

Take care

K


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Hi, Jaclaw,

Its interesting because I am having the same thoughts as you!  I gave birth to a lovely little girl in June, and am planning to go back in the spring for another go with the 4 remaining frosties.  I wanted to go at Xmas but felt not back to normal and had some physio problems so we have postponed things.  I felt really knackered the first few months largely because of some problems I had following the c section and felt that this was the way it was going to be for me for the rest of my life!  However my pregnancy was fine.  Its only now that I feel more positive in trying again as my hormones have settled down and I have more energy.  Like you I want to do what is best for my little girl, and have decided that it is to try my best to give her a sibling.  Being knackered in the first few months won't do your first child much harm compared with the benefits of having  a brother or sister.  I feel the advantage of going for a second is the experience of the first- I now have more knowledge, confidence and skill.  I know how I cope with sleepless nights and the limits of my tolerance with frankly, health visitors, who bullied me to bits first time around.  This experience  has enabled me to consider how we might plan for a second baby and I have made a list of ways to save time and energy ie sending my little girl to nursery part time, getting a cleaner in, looking at getting a doula or a nanny for the first few weeks etc, all expensive but necessary as we do not have any supportive family nearby.  
We're not superhuman so know we will need some extra help, but we can make up for any physical shortcomings by using our experience to put some workable arrangements into place.  We may be older but think that fatigue in over 40s is less a matter of age but ' acquired lifestyle, ie we become lazy sods.  After all, people older than us run marathons.

If your health is fine I don;t see why we shouldnt try again. I do hope that you make the decision that you are happy with and wish you all the best.

roze


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## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Dear Roze
So sorry for not responding to your positive message - Christmas has gotten in the way of FF ! Thankyou so much - your reply was spot on. We are almost definiately going to try for number two - so am getting as much naughty drinking & eating I can as am going to totally detox after New Year, in preparartion. I am so very excited. 
Good luck to you!
JacLaw xxx


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## cesca (Sep 18, 2004)

Hi , I am coming up for 47 and had our baby daughter last february when I had just turned 46! I found it a real struggle with the tirdeness in the first few months but she has been sleeping from 7 to 7 since she was 6 months old.I was also really ill with hyperemesis throughout the whole pregnancy and developed a deep vein thrombosis which broke off causing a pulmonary embolism/ I nearly died .  Time has made me forget and I would love to go for a sibling for our little girl. ( we have 7 frosties)my husband is adamant we are too old and the risks are too high. I know he is being practical and sensible but it doesn't stop me wishing I was even 4 years younger.!!
I think if your health is good then go for it . The tiredness doesn't last forever! If I can do it at 46 then you are all spring chicks!! good luck all of you Cescaxxxx


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## Ms Minerva (Mar 7, 2005)

Firstly, hello to Cesca, and Roze from the Abroadies thread! 

Just read this thread and wanted to say to jaclaw that I often have the same doubts about how I will cope with a baby at 44!!! 

But I am an only child, have never enjoyed it, and really want a sibling for DD and are now using donor eggs.

Good luck!

Jules


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

i don't think it is the end of the world having 'just one child' and upsets me when this is implied, more often than not by other mothers who have completed their families with little effort. i have a sister and have had only upset in life in my relationship with her and as a result would have preferred to have had no sister as awful as that sounds. my little girl is probably the happiest little girl i have ever come across and yet she has 'no sibling'. i think she would prefer to have been born and gone through life without a sibling rather than not be born. my point is you should stop fretting and beating yourselves up so much about not being able to give your child a sibling. alot of people i come across with more than one child find they only argue anyway. i would give pretty much anything to have another child but think it unlikely that i will be able to and i do not have the option of any frozen embrio's on ice. it is not the end of the world not having a brother or sister. my reason for longing to have another child is actually nothing to do with wanting to give my daughter a sibling although yes it would have been nice but her quality of life is not any less because she does not have this, remember, not all siblings like each other and end up friends later in life, my sister and i are strangers.


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