# Life feels empty



## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Dear ladies

I have spent probably over a year visiting this board without ever having the courage to post..........
My story is in no way remarkable, spent 2 yrs ttc, finally fell pregnant whilst using Clomid but m/c after 10 weeks ;0( - time passed, we decided to pursue further fertility treatment only to be refused treatment on the NHS due to the fact that i had a raised FSH level - I was stunned as I had no idea that you could be refused treatment - I assumed it was available to anyone who wanted it. We saved and decided to go private - I produced 2 follicles, of which one disappeared - we were advised not to proceed with treatment and to look at other alternatives. The endless treatments, investigations (on both sides) took their toll and dh and I went through a very rough patch. Almost 6 yrs down the line we have worked hard on staying together and on finding a way to move forwards. I have had counselling which has helped tremendously and I feel as though 2009 (at the grand old age of 3 is the year when I should finally move on, but I find it so hard. I lost my little angel over New Year, so this time of year brings back the sadness every time and I seemed to find it especially hard to cope with this year - maybe because it is the first year that I realised that realistically there is no hope I will be a mummy. I try time and again to find meaning in my life, but just end up feeling empty - as if nothing has any purpose. We are lucky enough to be able to go on a lot of holidays as my husband works in the travel industry - friends and colleagues always comment on how lucky I am, but again, whilst I have a nice time when I am away, it all just feels empty, empty. I have no nieces or nephews and my bestest pals with children live far, far away. I talk myself round time after time to tell myself how lucky I am - I have a job which I enjoy most of the time, I have a house, a lovely cat, good friends, I can lay in on Saturday mornings (!), go on holiday, go on bike rides etc, etc - but still, I feel empty...........Dh has admitted that he is not happy to be childless, but what can we do but get on with our lives. He is right, but I don't find it as easy as he does to be so philosophical, the empty feelings just come back again and again. I know that I am a hundred times stronger than I was this time 18 months ago, but I still wonder when the pain will stop...........

Thank you for listening to my sorry rant!

XXX


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello

I'm not sure I can say anything that will help you other than that I do understand - I've experienced that emptyness - and wanted to send you a big hug    I do believe you will recover with time, but it takes us all different amounts of time (plus I find am prone to the odd relapse   so if you've been reading for a while you'll have seen some very upbeat posts from some of us including me, and then some angry or sad ones ...)  

I don't know if this is any practical help at all, but I recently found (slightly bizarrely) that doing a personality test (Jung-Myers-Briggs) really helped me to understand myself a bit better and what I need / what my role in life is.  It made me understand why being a parent was quite so important to me, as it fitted into my personality in a particular way that is difficult to replicate in other social relationships, and certainly my current job doesn't provide for this type of interaction.  In itself that helped me to come to terms with my loneliness and sense of isolation a bit better, but also I am now looking at how I can change my life in order to try to fit in some of these.  My personality type has an 'exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential' - obviously something that motherhood would have represented for me.  When I thought about what type of parent I thought I would be that really did chime in with my secret daydreams - obviously there are lots of different reasons people want to be a parent, but if I'm honest this was why I thought it was my 'vocation' rather than just part of my future life. I hope that by changing to a career in education I might find a better and more fullfilling role in life that will help me to get over some of my feeligns of 'uselessness' and that I'm 'wasting my life' and to be quite honest the longing I have for other people to 'need' me, ie that I can really contribute to their happiness. 

Obviously nothing is going to take the place of being a mum, but I hope that if I can get the rest of my life (which is, looked at from outside, a very happy and privelidged one with a strong marriage to a wonderful man, good job that pays well, and money and time to spend on the things we love doing) more in tune with who a 'really' am, then at least I will be giving myself a better chance to feel good about myself, and to feel that not having children is an enormous sadness but not something that has 'ruined my life'.  

I'm sorry, that is rather a 'me' post, which I didn't mean it to be, but I just hoped that some of it might ring true with where you are and what you are feeling.  If not, I'm sure some other lovely ladies will be along soon with their thoughts!!  The great thing about FF is that you really are never alone!

Very best wishes

Jx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Hello Montagne

Men and women handle things so differently don't they. Men seem to take a far more practical approach to these things while we cannot help but include all the emotion we feel. Reading your story you have come so far already hon   I really wish i had a magic wand or knew the exact right words to take away people's pain. The anguish we suffer whilst going though tx is so hard to bear and then to have to face a life without children just seems so unfair. You have shown tremendous strenth already and it is that strength that will get you through this    

You will have seen that many of the girls have changed their lives in some way and that has helped them through. Some have moved, some changed their careers, found new interests etc.. It's not an immediate 'fix' by any stretch but I certainly found that by focusing on new things in my life the bad days started to become less and less until eventually they disappeared altogether. I do still days when i wonder 'what if' but they are very few and far between now. 

As J said it can really help by understanding ourselves a lot better. By stepping back and looking inside ourselves and finding out what makes us tick and what we need in life can help us identify what we need to do to find some peace and happiness.

You are never alone with FF, there are many of us who know exactly how you are feeling and are here to help and support you so keep talking to us  

Amanda xx


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Dear J and Amanda

Thank you so much for your kind messages, they really meant a lot to me and even brought a tear to my eye - but in a good way you understand. You sound like wise, caring ladies  and have clearly worked hard on accepting your situations. It feels like a privilege to be able to share my thoughts with people who truly understand as I spend a lot of time not saying how I really feel as it isn't always helpful to others! It is also inspiring to get tips on how to move forwards from you - knowing you have found a way through your challenges  reassures me that I too can find a better balance in my future.

The personality test sounds like a great idea and has obviously given you a lot of insight into your needs J. I keep trying new things and expecting them to be the magic answer - which of course they can't be - I guess it's about finding enough of the right things that mean our lives feel fulfilled. As you say Amanda, it's not an immediate fix. I have just started Bollywood dancing, which is great fun even if I am a little graceless!

Well, I must get myself some sleep now, thanking you again and hope to "chat" more with you in the future.....

S
XXX


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