# DOubts



## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Hi all,

Haven't posted in ages and feel a bit cheeky suddenly coming on for advice but I really don't know what to do.  Last year my DH and I decided adoption was for us, we have been thinking about it for a while and have been feeling really positive.  We have approached our LA and a VA and were just really deciding which one to go with when yesterday I went on the adoption UK forum and now both DH and I are having serious doubts and even thinking of going back down the treatment route.

We knew that adoption wouldn't be easy and the children are going to come with their difficulies due to the neglect they have had however I think we still thought that "normal" family life would be possible.  Is it?  The posts on the adoption UK forum have scared me to death, lots of talk of adoptions breaking down, one I read was after 9 years after the child being placed.  Are there any adopters who have had their children a long time who can reassure me that things can work out well?

Sorry I am probably not making any sense but both DH suddenly feel so negative about adoption when for months we have been really excited it and I think I need to hear some different experiences to those that I have read on the aoption uk site.

Love Princess Monica


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## Tarango (Nov 3, 2006)

Hello, 

I know what you mean about Adoption UK website. When DH & I were just starting out I read the posts on AUK and like you had major doubts about going forward due to the stories being posted on there. Thankfully, I stopped reading them!

I think most people who post on there are in need of help and advice and people who tick along nicely do not post on there.

Have you read some of the diaries/ journeys on here? There are a lot of adopters who post on here and have had sucessful adoptions.
TBH I find this site (FF) a lot more positive than the AUK one (although I do have a mooch around the approved prospective adopter thread on AUK - have a read of this thread - it is not too bad!).

I'm sure someone will be long later with a positive tale !

good luck with whichever path you decide to go down 

xx


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hiya

I've adopted 2 wonderful children and (so far) survived and loved (almost) every minute!  

There's been a few posts about negativity on AUK recently, including many on it's own board.  I was banned from it for several months by my DH!

It is mainly used by those who are struggling, most people do not experience the heartache and stress some of the posters do. 

It's good to be aware of some of the difficulties you MAY experience, but please don't let the experiences of others put you off adoption, there are many many happy stories on this site.

Bx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

have a quick glance at kittykat's 'dog' thread a few spaces down. she and i discuss the very same thing about that forum

yes, you have a reasonable chance of problems but i think the people on there are mainly the people who do have some issues and are after advice. from the vibe on there i get the impression posting good stuff is slightly frowned on, which is a shame

bear in mind if you had a child naturally it could be born with problems too...autism, disability etc. there are no guarentees. at least with adoption in some ways you are pre warned and therefore pre armed.

good luck in what you decide


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hello princess

first of all     i know what u mean about 'that' website.  i know a few folk on here were 'banning' themself from going on the website as it was so    yes, i would imagine that there are some horror stories but as katie says u could face the same problems if u have a bio baby.  i can remember almost crying to my good friend tarango ( ) about not being able to cope and that was after we had been approved.  im not saying its easy but then i think being a parent isnt.  

try and stay focused and bear in mind that ur sw'er would not match u with a child that they didnt think was suitable. no on e has a crystal ball but im sure it will all work out.  

lots of love x x x x x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

all i can say is STEP AWAY FROM THOSE BOARDS!! If I ever read them I get complete wobbles about whether we've done the right thing and what may come in the coming years and we've had littlie home 2 1/2 years!! its the ONLY time i ever feel like this so rarely go on there. like Boggy says it is used by people who need the help so therefore the tone is necessarily on the negative side. stay here and chat with us   

kj x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

HERE HERE Keemjay!!    x x x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Absolutely agree with the others - Ban yourself!!  It is depressing reading, i'd be surprised if any newbie reading that site would feel inspired by the posters  

You'll notice most of the posts are from the same posters too.  If ever i've come across a positive story there is always someone to post a sarcastic reply or shoot anyone down in flames.  

I think it is such a dreadful shame when this is the main UK Adoption website and any newbies must be scared to death  

Yes there are cases where for whatever reason the adoption breaks down and I think it is good to be aware of those situations BUT they are rare.

Our son was worth all the waiting and we have nothing but positive stories to tell  

As KJ said - Stay here instead


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## herbaltea (Apr 9, 2003)

Hi Princess Monica

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I too am at the very beginning of the process (info meeting with LA on friday and SW visit with VA in 2 weeks). I am really excited about the prospect of adopting but did also think about ttc at clinic again. I decided adoption was the best option for me and can't wait to get started on it  

However, last week I had the 'jitters' about all the potential problems that could arise from adopting........yes, from reading posts on AUK!!   I think the main thing is that although there are some horror stories, there are also some good ones too. I also think that people will tend to post when they need help and advice........and not necessarily post about all the good things that happen. I was especially worried about adoption breakdown statistics........but my VA said that there's were a lot lower than our LA, so I'm seriously considering going with my VA.

Its a difficult decision to make for you, but what I would say is go to an info meeting or meet a sw and ask all the questions you can to put your minds at rest.

I hope that's helped a little bit - at least you know there are others out here with the same thoughts and worries


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

When we first started out 'that' board scare me to death, I ended up not going on there as I was ready to give up and that was with knowing families that had been successful in having a family via adoption for many years.  The best bit of advise is to not go there or to remember the people posting are people who have taken on a lot of issues, whether they knowingly did so or not, and need the support.  The ones having a 'normal' life get shouted down if posting positive things so don't bother.

Our DS has been home 20 months and he is so perfect for us and our extended family, it really is quite shocking how good a match we are to each other.  In the early days I wondered whether things and feelings were because he was adopted, whether I'd have felt the same about a birth child and when I spoke to family and friends, all with birth children, they recognised how I was feeling as something they had gone through at similar times.  

We have some horrid things to tell DS when he is older but we are lucky in the fact he wasn't abused or neglected, he was relinquished out of love.  He doesn't have any real issues at the moment though obvioulsy as he learns more about his history we expect to have some problems but we are very open and talked from the start about him being adopted in simple language, I for one think it is the best way and will help us through the tougher times.

We have as normal a family life as I think is possible and we live day to day very normally, well at least from my experience anyway!

We are going through it all again for another child so it can't be that bad but parenting is hard work however you come to have your family.

OT x


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Thanks for all your replies, it has really helped, just reading them has made me feel much more positive and back on track.  However this evening as me and DH have been discussing things as I was asking him what he thought we should do and he said, I will do anything that makes you happy, I'm doing it all for you.  Which has caused an argument becasue I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to want to adopt, which I honestly thought he did.  ARRRGGHHH, last week everything was perfect, thought we were both ready to adopt, feeling positive and moving forward to the next chapter in our lifes!

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!

Sorry just needed a bit of a scream!


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## jan welshy (Jan 18, 2003)

Everyone has doubts somewhere along the line, think positive!


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Princess Monica said:


> Thanks for all your replies, it has really helped, just reading them has made me feel much more positive and back on track. However this evening as me and DH have been discussing things as I was asking him what he thought we should do and he said, I will do anything that makes you happy, I'm doing it all for you. Which has caused an argument becasue I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to want to adopt, which I honestly thought he did. ARRRGGHHH, last week everything was perfect, thought we were both ready to adopt, feeling positive and moving forward to the next chapter in our lifes!
> 
> ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!
> 
> Sorry just needed a bit of a scream!


have you read 'what to expect when you're adopting'? that's a pretty positve read, while realistic at the same time 

may get the prince motivated if he reads it too


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

absolutely agree with the others !!!.. take the advice from Keemjay totally ... 2 months ago i felt the same and she gave me the best advice ever and now my daughter is asleep in her cot upstairs. . .  xxxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I can respond in telling you that our children have lived with us for 13 years...out son is fast approaching 17,placed with us at nearly 4..... and apart from a few minor "teenager" hiccups along the way all has been fine............our daughter has been with us for 8 years being placed with us as a baby of 9 months.

YES some adoption placements break down but not all of them and there are lots of nice people on here who are ready and willing to share their stories with you.

hope you & your DH can make the right decision for both you


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

theres a good book for Dads , its a BAAF one..maybe your DH could have a read of that..my DH really enjoyed reading all the books..it helped him catch up with me 

kj x


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

hi Princess Monica
Have to agree 100% with all the adopters on here who have replied to you - KEEP AWAY FROM AUK!!! I went on it prior to homestudy and scared the living daylights out of myself!! Never went on it again!! As the others have said those boards really do portray the worst stories about adoption and all that may go wrong with it. Many adopters (me included) don't post on AUK as it's just too negative. Yes there are times when adopting is difficult - but there are times when parenting is difficult!! I can only speak from personal experience and I have to say that I feel truly blessed to be my little girls Mummy and I love her more and more as every day passes - I absolutely couldn't love her anymore - regardless of how she came to me.

As to whether your DH is "doing it for you" I would take that to mean that he is wholly suportive of you - not that he doesn't want to adopt!!  

best of luck with your journey hun,
lol
DJ
xxx


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## kittykat1234 (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi there,

PLEASE stay away from the AUK posts as it VERY nearly stopped me in my tracks on a few occasions and believe me a tidal wave won't stop me doing this so that's saying something  

I 100000% agree with what everyone has said and please try and stick to this site if at all possible cause its BRILLIANT and i owe everything that i have learnt so far to these guys on here!!

Like katie c says, have a look at my 'dogs' thread as i was saying the exact same things!!

From what i can gather, a lot of the negative ones are from people who have adopted either older children (not saying this is a bad thing by the way or that this is usually the ones that go wrong) or from people who have had bad experiences and i am fully aware that this does and could happen but it just seems to be 90% negative on there! Also a lot of the problems they seem to be having (not an expert by the way but do have A LOT of friends with kids 0-5 in age) are problems that all my friends have had with their bio kids, like i say though there are problems on there clearly stemming from adoption too!

I was seriously about to stop after reading on there and also got shot down when i posted about adopting a baby!! Anyway i hope all these lovelies have made you feel a bit better about it all and really this site is the best!!

All the best xxx


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

Thank you so much for all your replies, me and DH are now both feeling mega positive and excited about adopting. 

We have had some good news today as well as the VA we contacted called today to see they feel very positive about me and DH and they want us on the course they are running in April, they said all being well we could be approved by the end of the year!!!!

Thank you again for all your support xx


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## Tarango (Nov 3, 2006)

good evening Princess Monica

Very exciting about your VA news!!    
April will be here before you know it and then you'll zoom through home study and then be approved and then before you know it you'll have a little one (or more!) home with you!



T
xx


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## herbaltea (Apr 9, 2003)

Hi Princess Monica.......just wanted to say I'm so glad you're positive and upbeat about it all   I must say, these boards are a lot more supportive and encouraging than some others (mentioning no names haha!)

Great news about your VA........I have a VA sw visit in 2 weeks and am also VERY excited!


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## M2M (Sep 16, 2009)

I agree with everyone else: avoid AUK like the plague!


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## kittykat1234 (Jan 15, 2010)

Hahahah this is making me laugh - glad we are all on the same page as each other and i   to god that someone off the AUK site doesn't come on here  

Thats fantastic news princess monica    , thats about the best you could expect to hear at this stage - i would be over the moon!!

Keep us all posted please ad remember - no AUK reading  

xxx


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## thesmiths88 (Jan 26, 2010)

I am SO glad the OP posted this thread.  Me and DH are quite positive about adoption, basically thinking that they can't all be awful children to parent, but when you read posts on AUK it does put you off and gave me a major wobble!  It suddenly clicked into place when someone on there said that if the adoption is going well, people don't usually post on there.  Bingo!

We are very positive too and are on a preparation course at the end of March.

I'll keep away from AUK too!


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

I agree with the general concensus about the AUK adoption forum and at times it does make for very difficult reading when you are starting out, however one important thing to remember that there are difficulties and problems to overcome with adoptive children that would not occur with a biological child. 

Fingers crossed we will not have of the difficulties mentioned on that forum but if we do, then that forum will be a great resource to get all the information and possible solutions we could need so do not dismiss in out of hand. 

So when you get to the stage of been matched with a child or children make sure you get every piece of information that you can and be fully prepared for the what ifs.


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## Princess Monica (May 26, 2006)

herbaltea said:


> Hi Princess Monica.......just wanted to say I'm so glad you're positive and upbeat about it all  I must say, these boards are a lot more supportive and encouraging than some others (mentioning no names haha!)
> 
> Great news about your VA........I have a VA sw visit in 2 weeks and am also VERY excited!


Good Luck for your vist Herbaltea, hope it all goes well!


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