# New job or stay where I am - what'll be better for IVF?



## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Hi

This isn't about fertility as such, but is related, so wondering if any of you can give me advice or your thoughts about this please?  I don't really have any friends I can talk to as they don't know about the fertility treatment or understand the work pressures I'm under. I'm in a dilemma and not sure what to do...

I'm in a very demanding job that I don't really like.  I can't really do anything else as I'm not trained for anything else and simply changing to something general would not pay the mortgage (and IVF bills).  On a bad day a few weeks ago I applied for another job and have been offered it and provisionally accepted (pending details of ts&cs).  However I'm now having second thoughts.

I applied for the job as I'm finding my workload and the stress of my current job hard to deal with with all the fertility stuff we have going on.  The job is hard enough at the best of times, but double whammy at the moment and we've not even started IVF yet.

The new job may offer less report writing (which is my worst bit of the job) and more variety in the work, but essentially is the same job. I thought that going somewhere with less report writing might lessen some of the stress.  The new job is twice the travel though, but I know people there who are nice and supportive.

When I told my current manager about the interview and that I was looking at leaving, she has been incredibly supportive.  She has offered more supervision with managing the workload/report writing and time off for treatment if needed.  She has been through IVF herself (although her partner had the treatment) so is pretty empathic.  Now I'm wondering if I should stay (I've not given notice yet and could pull out of the other job as it was only this week I was offered it and have nothing confirmed yet) - as certainly in terms of time off for treatment, it would be easier. My boss is leaving next month though and the guy who is taking over is lovely and has also offered support re the workload but doesn't know about the IVF etc.  Knowing the type of person he is though, I think he will have the same attitude as my current boss (although less likely to fully understand as she does personally). 

The questions is, I don't know if things will actually change.  Some days I can't bear the thought of going to work and feel sick about it and worry what the stress is doing to our chances, which is why I looked at another job.  However, I don't know if some of that is the medication I'm taking as it has made me really depressed and I find it hard to function.  There's no saying that the other job will definitely be any different stress wise but is it worth the chance?  Getting/explaining time off for treatment there may be more difficult as I don't necessarily want to go into a new job and bring all this up so I'll have to make excuses for time off.  Also, it's intially a year contract (with a view to permanent) and my current job is permanent.

Anyone got any words of wisdom?

Many thanks


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## Guest (Sep 26, 2014)

Hi I can't offer any advice but just chipping in to say I'm in a similar situation & also been unhappy at work for a long time, but need it to pay mortgage etc and it's quite specialised. I feel quite isolated where I am & not felt at all supported in the lonely journey of trying to start a family at my age & losing babies along the way. But at least it's familiar, do-able and some of it is nearby. I'm starting a PhD this month so I hope it will open up new doors eventually. Can you make a list of pros & cons or a SWOT analysis?!

It's good that your managers where you currently are sound quite supportive and the people at the new place might be nice, so I hope you feel happy with whatever you decide and I wish you lots of luck TTC! Xxx


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanks Merlin,

Sorry to hear you have a similar situation. I feel your pain! So hard juggling everything and not having family/friends to support.  I hope the PhD brings new opportunities for you. 

I  have a mental pros and cons list, but guess it might help to write it down.

I'm so terrible at making good decisions myself though!

Lots of luck to you too 

Aurora x


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

hi there

A very difficult decision as there is no right or wrong, however, if it were me I would see it that I would stay where the best maternity package would be, I would be reluctant to leave a permanent job if I were just about to embark on IVF, both obviously have their pros and cons and I think the additional travel would also be a reason to not take the new job, IVF can be physically demanding as well as mentally draining. I know I am just focusing on the negatives but I think given the treatment situation its sometimes easier to be in familiar surroundings with a boss who is understanding if you need to take time off. 

Good luck with your decision, its a tough one!


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm inclined to think that as you wouldn't be moving in to a new field and you haven't mentioned that the new job offers great advantages financially that it's better the devil you know.  At least you know what you're contending with where you are.  Lots of jobs come with hidden extras and it's far too easy to end up in just as bad or worse a position as you're in now.


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanks for your advice

I suppose, given my experience so far, that underneath I don't actually expect to get pregnant any time soon so the maternity package factor is kind of at the back of my mind.  If being positive though, it's something I should consider more I suppose.

I imagine it sounds like a no-brainer to someone looking it, but I am just fed up of being miserable and stressed at work, but I think you're right Dudders that it may not be much different even if I move. 

Thanks for your thoughts and congrats to you both on the BFPs!


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## Londonkitty (Feb 26, 2014)

It's a tough one which lots of people will empathise with. Reading your original post I'll be honest-you don't sound that wowed with the new possibility more that you don't like your current job much. If you were saying how amazing this new job was going to be then I'd say go for it-the reduced stress because it was a job you were excited about would outweigh the other bits about it being a short term contract initially and not thinking about the maternity package. Also, as the others have said, there is a lot to be said for 'better the devil you know' and although the future boss might not have the empathy about IVF he does know your work and that you can be trusted to work hard and do the job in hand so he will be more likely to look gently at the time off that is required for IVF. A new company wouldn't know you so you would be trying to prove yourself enough that they were ok with you taking time off. With your current job, is there any mind of occ health department that you could get on side to say on medical grounds you need to have a reduced workload? I have an idea what industry you are in so know this might not be possible but it might be who asking this new guy early on if somebody else could take some of your workload to reduce the stress on you (again I know you might initially think this is impossible but there is no harm in asking). 

Good luck whatever you decide

Xx


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanks Londonkitty,

Although it's the same job, they do it slightly differently at the new job, so would hopefully be less paperwork.  However, I'm not sure it'd be different enough to be a lot less stressful.

I think I've pretty much decided to stay and am going to withdraw from the other job tomorrow.  Not sure if it's the right thing, but they've said I can cut my hours if I need to, so if it's still too stressful I'll just do that. 

I'm not sure I'd get a reduced workload, as everyone's workload is heavy full stop.  I work in education (is that what you thought?), although I'm not a teacher so I don't get the benefits of school holidays off or shorter working day, but still get all the paperwork and prep and report writing.  I can speak to occupational health anyway and see if there are any options - thanks for the idea. 

Thanks everyone for the support

xxx


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## Londonkitty (Feb 26, 2014)

Yup-guessed education  as you're not a teacher it might be worth exploring options for working flexibly including working at home. Good luck x


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

I have decided to stay at my current workplace and have withdrawn from the other job.

Not sure if it's the right thing or not (time will tell), but given some of the things you raised and factors such as the maternity benefits, I thought it was the best thing at the moment.  Just have to hope I can cope now  

Thanks for the support


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi there

I think that's a good idea, you have to think long term with IVF (Unless you have no worries about money) good luck and I hope it all works out for you x


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## Shannonbuddy (Sep 30, 2014)

Please can someone advise. I am in almost the situation. I am 41 one dd aged 3. Trying for a sibling for the past 3 years. I have had 4 miscarriages, the most recent following ivf in May. I want to have at least one more go at ivf. 

In the meantime I work in a job which is ok. I used to be in management which I found awfully stressful and in fact suffered my first miscarriage so I stepped down in to a non managerial role which is much less stressful and the job is fine. In the meantime I was seconded to another company and I have been working half a week in each role since January. 

A full time role came up which initially I applied for but in the back of my mind all I want to do is concentrate on my last ditch attempt to have another baby. The company persuaded me to interview and informally offered the job but my gut keeps telling me it is the wrong decision. It is more money and nearer home but it is a job where I will be fully responsible for one particular area. I am a bundle of stress for the last few weeks. I don't want a more responsible job because all I want to do is have another baby but that might never happen. My current employers have a rather ambivalent attitude to me but I know when it comes to ivf I will get as much time off as I need. I don't want to start a new job and then have to stress out with making excuses about were I am going. Anyone would say I am ungrateful but the thing is all I want is to have another baby. I know if I turn down the new job they won't be too pleased as I initially indicated my interest and interviewed twice but what happens if they want me to work more and I am stressed. Sooty my message is so rambling but I am so stressed by what to do that I ended up in the doctors last Friday .with heart palpitation. Do I stay and lose a fantastic opportunity working in a dead end job but I can go for ivf twice more or do I take new job and take the chance that I can work around ivf. Please help. My husband is understanding but ultimately says I must make the choice. Truth be told all I want is to do is stay at home and be a mom but that's not going to happen.


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Hi Shannonbuddy,

I know how you feel!  Sorry to hear about your difficult 3 years  

I can't really advise, but can tell you a bit what I think...


It may hold you back a bit if you stay where you are, but for how long?  If you do or don't have another baby after a certain amount of time you can get back on the career ladder.  If you have the skills and knowledge to get that job now, you still will in a few years time and people will still want you.  That particular job might not be there, but others will. 

For me, the decision was very much about getting the time off/support during the IVF (and hopefully maternity) process.  That's a big factor and if your current employer is good with that then it's a good reason to stay even if they aren't that dynamic in other ways.

If it really is your dream job, then you have to weigh up whether that will outweigh the stresses of it.  Will it being an interesting job you enjoy help to overcome that extra level of responsibility?  if not, it may not be worth the risk.

Finally, if you're that reluctant, it can't be a good move, you may be better staying where you feel comfortable.

Good luck whatever you decide x


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## Shannonbuddy (Sep 30, 2014)

Aurora thank you for your lovely reply. I reread my message and it seemed so awfully rushed and desperate. I have just received the informal offer form the new company. The pay is marginally better and work nearer but neither are a consideration. I feel so overwhelmed in that I feel the decision is influenced by some many things. Personally I abandoned career and money  motivations some years ago when I stepped don from a more senior role but now three years later it is almost like it is chasing me around. The irony is that I don't wants this career. A

In an ideal world I wish I could give up work for 6 months and concentrate on having a baby but that is not possible.  

I will consider the matter carefully over the weekend and make a decision only on what is the best possible chance for conceiving even if it is the case that I am unsuccessful at least I will have no regrets.

Thanks


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## AuroraAngel (Dec 23, 2013)

Shannonbuddy,

Hope you managed to make a decision.  Hopefully it will work out for you whatever path you choose

Aurora
xxx


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