# Letting family know you are adopting?



## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Hi everyone. 

Out of curiousity, at what stage did you decide to tell your familiy you were planning to adopt a child? 

My reason for asking is that my mom and dad are flying from America to visit us in April for two weeks.  At the moment, they do not know our plans for adoption. My reasoning behind not telling them right now is (A.) that my parents always dissapoint me when I hear their intial reactions to news. They have always been this way and say something like, "oh, ok. Great" without any real enthusiasm. This aspect drives me insane. I just want to scream, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME!!!".....But, then again, they may be completely different with this news. I never can tell how they may react. I just don't want it to get me down.  (B.) I don't know if I want the added stress of my mother constantly asking about the process and sometimes she comes across as very insenstive when she does so.  On the other hand, part of me wants to tell them in person with my husband by my side while all four of us are actually together, which rarely happens because of living in two seperate countries.  I am really torn?

Any advice?


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi, I can understand your indecision.  We told our family before we started that it was our intention to adopt but then we've always been open about everything including the infertility tx.

I must admit I was slightly underwhelmed by my mother's initial reaction "are you sure you want to do it, there are more things to life than children, you have a great marriage, etc, etc".  Looking back I think she was just concerned that we were taking a lot on and was scared that like the if tx it would end in disappointment and pain for us.  Once we started she was supportive and they both adore my DS.

My main question to you would be, how would they react if they find out that you get it quiet from them?  I know mine would have been really put out.

Hard decision, best of luck.

Cindy


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
Its a hard decision to make when you don't know what the reaction will be.  With my parents and family we had talked about it over the years of ivf so they knew we would go that route when we felt we had tried everything.  My Dad's biggest worry was that we would take on children that we couldn't cope with but we have a lot of chats about it all and he knows we are not planning on taking any child/ren with things like Downs etc.  I knew my Dad couldn't cope with certain disabilities and as we are close and their support and love in invaluable to us I wanted them to be as involved as possible.

Dh's parents were different!  His brother has adopted and we had a lot of 'why don't you just adopt' for the last few years and they couldn't understand why we had to feel we tried everything.  So we waited until we had been to the info evening and then told them we had been and were looking into it more with the view of adopting.  They were actually really pleased and DH's Mum begged us not to be put off by all the questions SW ask.  We just have to be careful what we tell them as SIL helps out with SS and has gone back to them with some of the initial things we asked her as a family member.

I think I'd tell them with the thought in mind that whatever they say you are doing it because you want to and its what is right for you.  Maybe just say its early days and the process to approval is long so if they want you can fill them in when anything is happening.  AT least you won't have it still hanging over you to tell them when you are maybe at a more stressful part of the process?

Good Luck
OTx


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say I know how you feel about this issue.  Had the same dilemma myself.  I hadn't told my parents about the IF issue.  So they had no idea about what we had been through or that we had tried various treatments etc.  We aren't a very close family and like you I felt that they wouldn't understand or be very supportive.  It was really important to me that were because I knew how hard the adoption process would be and felt that I needed their support.

We aren't a very close family and I think that is also why I didn't tell them about things.  However, we decided to tell them about the adoption straight away as I thought that the SW's would think it strange that we hadn't involved them (I tend to be a bit of a worrier and tend to over analyse everything!!).  Anyway we told them when they came to visit us at Christmas.  I too, thought it would be nicer to do it face to face, plus I wanted to guage their reaction and thought it would be easier this way.  I have to say it went really well.  They were very surprised about the IF, and wished that we had told them about it sooner as they would have supported us through it!  I was really surprised at how well they took it all and am so pleased that I have told them.

When we were going through tx it was hard not saying anything, especially when they said things like: 'what have you been up to lately - done anything nice?" and I would have just had ec or been feeling down due to another failed attempt etc.  Wish I had been more upfront to start with.

Hope this helps, and I hope that if you do tell your mum that she will be supportive.  This is a real hard issue and I know how I would have felt if they had been really insensitive about it.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

love Maisie xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

My mother was pretty negative about the idea but I think she might be coming round slightly to it - like Old Timer's dad I think she worries we'll take on children we can't cope with etc., but doesn't really understand the process, and that no-one is going to "force" you to take X children if they are not the right ones for you.

The main thing that surprised me, and upset me too, was the fact that she seemed to think we were somehow thinking about adoption because we couldn't be "bothered" with pregnancy/birth.  That's a bit strong, but even though I know she thinks IVF would be a bad idea (and we agree with her) and knows we've had miscarriages, I think she thinks somehow there is an alternative to either of those, and that we are thinking of adoption because we want to avoid pregnancy.  She hasn't said so in so many words, and we have tried to be clear that it seems likely adoption is the only way we'll be parents, we are not sure if she hasn't really taken this in, or if she thinks it would be better if we didn't have children at all.


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Thanks for these replies. Really helpful!   We have decided to fill them in on the news when they are here in the UK visiting. But, will keep in mind that their reaction can be anything and we must not be discouraged if it is less than perfect. 

Crossing fingers all will go well!


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi

I think this news is definitely better face to face.  We made a point of going and seeing both sets of parents face to face to talk it through and engage their support.  Friends found out at a New Year party after we had signed up for the process, but that was fluke and couldn't have happened in a better way ewven if we had planned it.

Good luck for April, I am sure things will be fine and hopefully by then you will be fairly underway with your journye.

Good luck
Karen x


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

KarenM said:


> Hi
> 
> I think this news is definitely better face to face. We made a point of going and seeing both sets of parents face to face to talk it through and engage their support. Friends found out at a New Year party after we had signed up for the process, but that was fluke and couldn't have happened in a better way ewven if we had planned it.
> 
> ...


Thanks Karen. I am feeling fairly confident now that we have made a definite decision. We just traded in our tiny two seater sports car for a larger car and my mother did comment on how she was surprised we did that because we loved our sports car. hehehe It will all make sense to her in April though when we tell her of our adoption plans


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Well, we told my husband's mum and sister of our plans to adopt and they were so delighted for us that they cried! It was really sweet and I was so touched. My MIL just kept repeating, "I'm going to be a nanny!"  It was really sweet. 

My husband and I traded in our adorable two seater sports car over the weekend for a more practical car. They were so surprised that we did that because they knew how much I loved that car.... DH broke the news by showing them a booklet of our new car in it and said "...well, we need a car with a backseat now...." My SIL immediately perked up and looked at us....and we went on to tell them we were adopting a baby. They both squeeled like little pigs with excitement.  

I hope the news goes over just as well with my parents...


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi,

Really glad the news was well received by your husband's family: it's so lovely that they were able to share in your excitement.  Good luck with telling your family.

love maisie x


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## shivster (Jan 17, 2007)

Hi,

I didn't enjoy telling my parents about our plans to adopt. They hadn't been very sensitive about our infertility anyway and I dreaded telling them about adoption and put it off as much as possible.

As it happened I was right to be worried, my parents response was not very good (understatement). Some of the comments made and the reasons behind their opinions hurt me very much. I think they thought that I might change my mind. However since we didn't change our minds and showed them that this was going to happen my Mum has come around to the idea, however my Dad doesn't even like the subject discussed. 

DH parents were supportive from the begininning, they were worried about us pursuing IVF and didn't feel they could tell us until we said we were not going down that road. They are more than happy about us adopting and have been wonderful.

I suppose in a long and drawn out way I am trying to tell you that no matter how when you tell them, or how you tell them, it's likely to be emotional for all. If their reaction isn't favourable immediately, they will come around. People said this to me about my parents in the beginning and i didn't believe them but they are coming round.

Sorry I've rambled on.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

WOW I am surprised about some of the comments on here that you have received from other people, especially parents, My Mum was fantastic, I'm sure my dad would have been very very supportive as well if he was still alive.

My DH parents were supportive although I did find out a comment was passed to my Sister in Law about our fertility which hurt.  More so when the comment was directed at their son!

Apart from that little hic-cup, which I'm not totally sure i believe coming form my SIL as she can be a bit of a cow, we were met with very supportive family and friends.

i think the main thing is to be honest and PROUD of the decision you have chosen.

How many people in this world can say they have been approved to be parents?

I'm glad for all the people whose family took the news well and have been supportive and can only sympathise for the ones who have been met with the kind of comments and actions that you could do with out.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

I must agree with Superal about some of the comments people have had I am so sorry you have been on the recieving end of this. Both our families were absolutely wonderful throughout our 9 years of treatment and adoption journey. The sadness with us was of course that DH's parents both died 5 weeks before we were placed with Sunshine. I wish some family members could realise how short life is and how suddenly we can loose loved ones and just accept what is and embrasse it. Sorry my little rant is over I just find it hard to hear the lack of support that some of you have to put up with ours was second to none but my baby has lost two of her Grandparents before she arrived.
Love JD x


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi GuitarAngel

I am so sorry to hear about your worries about your parent's reactions and also to those of you that have suffered with negative comments.

We have been so very fortunate in that we have had 100% support and enthusiasm throughout our adoption journey so we feel truly blessed with regard to this.

I am glad that the meeting with the in laws went well and I only hope that you do get the reaction that you deserve with your own parents.

Adoption (in my opinion) is such a wonderful thing to be able to do and to be able to give children the chance in life that they so deserve is truly a gift.

Take care

T x


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

thanks milkt  

I am actually feeling more positive now. They will be here the 1st of April and we already have a special way of breaking the news to them, that will think will go over well. I am gradually preparing myself for their reaction....just in case they are not genuinly enthused. 

We shall see! 
Amanda xx


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Well, tonight I let the cat out of the bag. Accidentally! If you all may recall, my DH and I were going to tell my parents about the adoption news when they visited us in April (they live in America). 

I was chatting on the phone to my mom this evening and we were talking about my sister in-law who just had surgery on her ears. As we were chatting, I was checking my email (multi-tasking! Impressive, eh?) and I noticed I got an email from SIL. Mom says, "What does it say?" and without thinking I read the following outloud... (wait for it!)

"I'm feeling much better. Your mom has been great and taking care of DD all week. How was your first adoption meeting? We are so happy for you!" 

Opps. Now mom knows we are adopting. My immediate repsonse was ....silence...... and then followed by a few choice swear words.

I explain I was dissapointed, because I wanted to tell her in person. I also explained we had made "Easter crackers" (they love the idea of crackers and think it is so british!) and inside were dummies and strips with "you're going to be a grandma/grandpa...we are adopting!".... 

Her response....? "NEAT" 

Neat? My ovaries are non-existent and I cannot have a child..and the closest phrase to "we are having a baby" is "We are adopting a baby" and all my mother can say is NEAT? I immediately choked and told her I could wasn't able to talk. I put the phone down and have been crying since. 

Support. Genuine happiness for us. That is all I ask! Just a bit of enthusiasm. And, it turned out just as I thought... she was less than impressed. She has my brother's child (who is 2 this month) and that is all she needs I suppose. 

I am gutted. And, while I want to just forget it happened and realise this is not for her, but for my DH and me, I am still heart broken. I know that when we have adopted she will want to be a grandmother to our child.... but it is the lack of support that I have never receieved from her that drives me bonkers.  I would never and will never be unsupportive to my family. I will always be that extra bit excited when I my child gives me good news, no matter what.

Count your blessings, Especially those of you who have/had fantastic parents.


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Guitar Angel

I am sure your Mum was just as shocked as you were for letting it out.  It is alot for grandparents to get their head around.  I always remember my mum saying she was not sure what to do, support the infertility issue or be really excited about the adoption.  She just feared offending or upsetting me (and still manages to succeed most of the time!).

I hope things settle and I am sure when she sees you in April things will be much better and she will have thought about it long and hard.  Don't delay ringing her back though just get your thoughts together on what you want to say and how.

Good luck
Karen x


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

KarenM said:


> Guitar Angel
> 
> I am sure your Mum was just as shocked as you were for letting it out. It is alot for grandparents to get their head around. I always remember my mum saying she was not sure what to do, support the infertility issue or be really excited about the adoption. She just feared offending or upsetting me (and still manages to succeed most of the time!).
> 
> ...


Karen, you are exactly right. My SIL called my mother soon after my mom and I spoke on the phone and accidently told her we were adopting and my SIL said when she called my mom was crying over the phone. SIL asked her if she was ok and she replied, "Yes, DD just told me she is adopting...I was so happy"....my SIL then asked her how mom responded to the news and my mom replied, "I don't remember, but DD got emotional and had to go..."

She obviously was shocked and did not know how to respond to the news. She just called me back happily in tears and explained how thrilled she was and that she could not hold in the news and told my father too.

So maybe it isn't as bad as I thought. This was the reason why I wanted to tell them in person in the first place..... because I knew the emotions could be misunderstood over the phone.

Thanks for your reply. x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi GuitarAngel
Sorry things slipped out early and didn't go as you had planned but good to hear your Mum has got back in touch to let you know how happy she is for you.  Phones can be evil things and I can understand why you wanted to tell her in person, though at least now you can look forward to her visit knowing you won't have the disappointment of a negative response.
Good Luck
OT x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Guitar Angel

Glad to hear that your Mum and Dad are supportive of you, like I say she was probably shocked.  At least face to face you can read the NVC's to gauge the reaction

Glad it turned out well and you can look forward to April

Karen x


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