# Coping with the missus?



## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Hi,

Infertility / IVF does cause stress and lots of issues in both partners which can cause issues.

What I want to know is what effect has infertility had on you & your missus and how have you coped?

Me & my missus have been through hell and have yet to start IVF, so I am a bit worried about what the future holds to be honest, both in terms of stresses of IVF as well as the effects on a relationship.

Grateful for any insights!


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Scorpio

Hope you don't mind me replying but I am a 'missus'  

My fiance and I only found out we had issues in November 2010 - and I have been a bit of an emotional burden  

We have our ups and downs but for us it's more on how we both cope with the problem. I am open and emotional, sometimes irrational and he is inward and logical!  I sometimes think the fact he doesn't talk means he doesn't care and he sometimes thinks I share too much with people, over think things and let it consume my every waking minute!

It's been hard but I think we are both slowly learning to accept and respect the way we cope - you never know, we might learn something from eachother  

I know he thinks about the future alot and we sadly only have a 5% chance of finding any sperm when he has his SSR in June   I get really scared about the decisions we may need to make and the implications those decisions will have on us.  I carry fear, uncertainty, sadness and all sorts around with me and it has and does play havoc with us sometimes but we are going on very well with eachother now - sometimes these sorts of things bring us closer - FINGERS CROSSED   

Good luck with your journey


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Thanks. 

One question - if your hubby could be the perfect man, what would you expect of him? What kind of support would you want him to give?


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Like every woman I would love him to tap into my emotions a little more - read me better I guess.

TBH I don't expect a lot from him (however high maintenance he may think I am) but I do expect him to cuddle me when I need it, listen when I need him to and talk to me more. Communication is key in this game and he isn't very good at it.  I guess I need him to be more understanding of my needs.  It may sound selfish as I keep going on about me me me but I would love to be there for him but he doesn't really show or admit he needs me to be. I need him more than ever. He needs to be more understanding than ever as well. I haven't even started on any drugs and I am a bit of a live wire and menace to myself.

Prime example - silly really but I was working one Sunday so topped up on Oyster for the first time so I didn't have to faf at the station - anyway, got to station and oyster didn't work as I had set it so the money would be on there the next day. Standing in Liverpool st station crying my eyes out - sound like a bit of a prat but this rollercoaster makes you sensitive! I texted my OH and told him and said I was heading home - no reply, no mention of it when I got it. I wanted him to say 'are you okay baby', don't worry and give me cuddles. Nada!

It's hard on both of us and I want to know he is okay and I want him to know I love him - I find myself telling him more, reassuring him more as I know often men with fertility issues, I guess women as well fear their partners will want to leave them. Nothing of the sort has been through my hard YET and I hope it doesn't.

Have you been on this journey long

PS. No one, especially a man is perfect lol


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

How on earth do men read women? That is what I struggle with as well I think. I always seem to get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to reading my missus.

Agree on the communication thing and I am aware about listening. I guess the thing I struggle with is thinking about her needs when I am stressing about it all so much. Guess I need to learn to relax, but that is easier said than done.

Also agree what you said about women fearing their partners will want to leave them. Has happened to us and no matter how much I try and reassure her, she still fears the worst. I would never ever want that, but it makes me worry more and as I said earlier, I need to learn to relax, but easier said than done!

We have been TTC for nearly 3 years, both had tests and we have a known problem for infertility issues (don't feel comfy saying exactly what). Next step would be IVF and we are both scared. Have appointment with doc soon, so yet to go through the whole NHS waiting yet, but fingers crossed.


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

TBH it is a very hard thing to ask of men - to read women   You're going through a very tough time yourself, it must be hard on you so don't over think things (says the women that doesn't stop lol) You have needs to, so just try and keep talking. My OH and I don't do it as often as I like but it is such a relief when we do. I have written to him on occassion as well! My MIL said that any communication is better than nothing.

I wish you all the best on your journey and I hope you get all the answers you need and the baby you both deserve.  I think it's great that you have come on here to share. My OH has only just come round to the idea of reading stories about men having to accept donor sperm - he said it might help. Not too sure if he would chat tho!

It is a very daunting process, the waiting is the worst tbh. I have accepted that IVF is the only way forward and I am very eager and excited to start. The only downside is there is no guarantee. If only someone could say, well you have to go through lots of waiting, tests, injections, scans, money! BUT you will have a baby -DREAM ON lol


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## ElsieF (Nov 26, 2009)

Scorpio,
You sound like a lovely man, just keep reassuring her of your love and she will eventually believe you  
Meanwhile here are some practical tips in the form aof a list of what my (perfect!) DH does for me:
 -He comes to every meeting with the doctor. He prepares questions beforehand and asks them.
 - I go for early cycle scans myself (it is not particularly practical for him to come re work etc) but he always wants news of every detail immediately afterwards
- He does my injections for me so I don't need to look
- He takes me to hospital and insists he is with me all the time. (takes no nonsense from the nurses)
- He makes sure there is a pillow in the car for me to cuddle when he drives me home from EC and ET
- He waits on me hand and foot during the 2ww. He makes sure I have a good stack of chocolate and don't freak myself out too much by googling. (expect her to freak herself out by googling)  
- He gives me cuddles and feels the same pain when it doesn't work.  And was so super- delighted when it did work! (whatever happens we will always have that moment!)  
- I find it enormously supportive that my DH takes an interest in the process. He is an engineer and is actually quite blown away by the science. It is nice that he is interested in his own way and finds out things that are relevant to treatment etc.
- He tells me what he is thinking / feeling. I do have to ask sometimes, and often there is a pause before he answers, but he is completely honest (and sensitive) with his replies.
It is so important to both be on the same page. Especially when making decisions about embryos / no. to put back, further cycles etc. Talk about these things before going to the hospital.
Be aware that fertility problems are no one's 'fault'. I think if there is any MF involved, then sometimes men find it hard to watch their loved one go through procedure after procedure. Often they seem to react by ignoring what is going on, pretending that it's nothing to do with them. But actually I have never heard any women say that they blame their partner or feel any resentment at all, so it would be nice if all men were able to put any wonky sperm issues aside and just be there and be supportive. 'Man Up' so to speak. 
If the infertility is cause by womens issues, then there is still some guilt, (though not as much it seems)
I agree with Lovebug that it is really about communication. It is a difficult thing to go through; there are stresses and a lot of disappointment. But our experience is that our respect of each other has made us stronger as a couple. 
good luck!
ElcF


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hey ElcF

Your hubby sounds wonderful - thinks a lot of your needs. I think my OH needs some tips 

Good luck with your journey


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

elcfoxy

Some very practical advise there to which I thank you for. 

I guess what I am struggling with is that it seems at the mo that no matter what I do it isn't good enough for my wife. I was thinking that maybe there was something else I should be doing, but I guess that no one is perfect and as long as I am trying my hardest that should be enough, so long as we communicate clearly to each other.

And that is the issue - communication, of which we both struggle with at times!

Long road ahead of us I think...


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## Jenny74 (Jul 7, 2010)

Hi Scorpio

I agree with what both ladies have said so far.  Communication is definately the key.

We have been TTC for 7 years now and have been to hell and back after conceiving twins in 2009 and losing them at 17 weeks due to many factors.  I would also say my DH is perfect when it comes to support.  He too has been to every appointment and has been there every step of the way and the thing I have appreciated the most is him being open and honest about how he is feeling throughout as I know I am not going through it alone.

We still have days of tears 16 months later thinking about the twins and the fact I am now 27 weeks pregnant has helped but also brought out the fear.  He has been so protective and has been to every scan (I have had one every 2 weeks) as his fear of something going wrong again was so great and he didn't want me to be alone should this happen (thankfully everything is going very well this time and the consultant no longer wants to see me).

After we lost the twins we did have some councelling, you will find most clinics will offer this service as IVF is such a hard journey and you may find this will help.  I was always sceptical of coucelling prior to this journey but sometimes having someone else there asking the questions really gets you talking more and realise just how you and your partner are feeling and that helps with the understanding of the whole situation.  If you are finding it hard to talk or understand how she is feeling, you said you feel like you are doing the wrong thing sometimes, this might be a good way to go, even just for a few sessions just to get things out in the open.

I will you every success with your journey and it all bringing you even closer together as a couple.

Jen xx


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi

Like the other ladies, just wanted to also say that communication is very important and also hugs are to.  I've found that IF can make you stronger as a couple - you can talk to family/friends but no one can understand it unless you're going through it.      

My hubby has been so supportive, attending all appointments (bar a couple), being there for me when I have a good old cry (often), and putting up with my terrible grumpiness from the drugs, hugging me even when I was at my grumpiest.  My hubby at times thought whatever he did wasn't good enough but he never gave up on me and was always the calmer one of us which made me calm down!  I am also there for him to and we are strong for each other.    

We tend to deal with it in different ways - I keep going over stuff and he likes to block it out but we always talked to each other along the rollercoaster journey of IVF.

Wishing you both lots of luck and strength


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Good morning everyone,

Hope you're having a nice sunny Easter  

OH and I have planned a day in London but he pulled his neck, so no idea if this will happen now  
Scorpio - how are things going with your wife?
Jen - I am extremely sorry for the loss of your twins but am so happy that everything is going well with your current pregnancy - hope you're feeling well? Sounds like your hubby is taking very good care of you.
Charlie - I see you are heading down the adoption route, I hope it's going well? Maybe calling on you for some advice - not too sure how my OH will feel about donor if his op isn't successful.

Got some good/bad news (depending on how you look at it) last week. My sister announced she was 8.5 weeks pregnant. Felt like my heart has been ripped out. I've struggled so much with friends pregnancies, now I have to face my own sisters  
I was a complete wreck for about an hour and my OH was very worried for me and in the end he had to be quite forceful with me and tell me to calm down as I was uncontrollable and I think I could of been sick! He is very good at calming me down and worries I will make myself ill if I have such bad reactions on pregnancy news. At first I used to think he wasn't being understanding and I used to get so annoyed with him but now I am very thankful for how he is with me, as I would have easily locked myself away and cried and cried and cried.
It's a long, ****ty journey but we will all get there


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Scorpio matey, be prepared for a rough ride is my tip. IVF drugs (not in all cases) but from my experience are the drugs from hell. My personal most detested drug was Clomid which really turned a usually pretty stable Maisy into a complete near nut job, blubbing one second, biting off husbands head (over such major sins as not putting the toothpaste back in the right place the next) Thankfully hubby realised that it was the drugs and that I hadn't suddenly metamorphsiezed into psycho witch from hell forever. Some of the later  do have some nasty side effects too and some are actualy depressants so be aware. Be involved in the process, the fact is most of it is down to us girls fact, we have to go through the injecting (husbands can be rather useful then for the actual mixing of the drug thing which is a bit tricky) . Make sure you are there for appointments and discuss in advance what your role is for things. For things like egg collection and embryo transfer stuff agree in advance whether you want to be in the room for some or all of it. Personally I felt no need for husband to be in for EC or most of ET he came in at the end to see the actual transfer bit but missed the yucky speculum inserting rubbshy bit). Never feel pressured by nurses saying stupid stuff like all the other partners have been in today- who give a fig frankly. It's your journey plan your path together. Read up as much as you can about test results and stuff and have questions prepared in advance as it is a bit bewildering and trust me as a girly when you've just had an internal exam from a complete stranger or dildo cam your brain can go temporarily awol so hubbys need to ask questions.

Anyway good luck on your journey.

Maisyz


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Good avice Maisy  

Your comment on 'dildo cam' never fails to bring a smile to my face  The nickname not the actual process of course!


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Just saw this article and now I am petrified.

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/lifestyle/tn2-saturday/a-weekend-with/trapped_by_the_ivf_tick_list_1_2626754

Please sign this petition and end the postcode lottery

http://www.gopetition.com/petition/43913

/links


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## jules1247 (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Scorpio.

I have been there and would recommend two things above all others - patience and understanding.

Rationality can go out of the window when you are having problems conceiving or going through treatment, but if you can be patient with your other half and understanding of how she is feeling then she will appreciate it in the future. She may not show it now, but when you come out the other side with a beautiful baby (or more than one, like us - our twins are due in the next 2 weeks!) she certainly will. 

It seems to me that just by asking the question on this thread you have the right attitude. Top man. 

Wishing you all the very best. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat. 

Jules.


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hello all

How are we?

Jules, top advice by the way and HUGE congrats on the babies - are you feeling heavy

OH and I are having some problems ourselves - I feel he isn't being there for me how he needs to be and there is a lot of tension between us at the moment.  I haven't caught up with him yet, as I need to make sure what I say is right and calm rather than going at him and telling him all the negative things he is doing.

I have another problem too - I have not had my period yet and am allowing myself unthinkable/impossible thoughts that I could have a natural BFP. You would think the fact that OH has no sperm would avoid these thoughts! Anyway, nearly a week late so holding out as I feel a complete prat if I test and I don't want to see a BFN - it would be too upsetting although I know it is the only possible outcome!


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## jules1247 (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Lovebug.

Yes, I am feeling heavy but that's just because I'm a bit tubby. My wife is feeling very heavy cos she's the one carrying the babies! 

Sorry, guess I should have made it a bit more obvious that I am a bloke!

I really hope it is a natural BFP for you - amazing and unexpected things do happen. Otherwise I hope you and your OH sort things out. I am sure he is feeling the same as you but us guys just find it that much harder to express ourselves and emphathise. 

Jules (ie Julian)


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Hi all

Just a quick thing to' add to some of the good advice already posted here.  The thing my dp has done for us as a couple that I've appreciated the most throughout ttc has been his commitment to ensuring he is as informed as I am about the processes and all our options.  I bought him a copy of fertility and conception by zita west, and he read it in a week, and it was such a relief to feel like we were side by side from the start.  Really helps not feeling you're the only one who cares enough to get informed.  Oh and yes, him doing my injections really has made things more of a joint effort.

Good luck to all of you 
X


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Morning well 
Scorpio, how are things at home?
Julian - ha ha, get shifting those pounds lol   It probably was clear but to be honest I've been a lot more blonde since the IVF bomb shell!     
AF finally arrived, she was 1 week and 3 days late   Had me thinking all sorts and I felt a little out of my comfort zone and glad to see her to be honest.  I feel more comfortable knowing I am back on track and I can keep my head focused on the IVF road.
VEC -sounds like you and your OH have a great relationship.  OH hasn't really ever asked about the treatment, I have been the one to do most of the research. Maybe nearer the time things will be different.  At the moment, our focus is on his op - he is very nervous about that bless him.
BABY DUST TO ALL


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Hey,

Things are good. Had appointment today, we met the criteria for IVF, so the consultant had referred us to the clinic. Did say that we need to be confirmed for funding before the clinic can arrange an appointment, but hopefully that will happen. I am a bit worried though - surely the fact tehy referred us would mean funding would be granted? Maybe I am just worrying over nothing (well hopefully anyway!)


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Scorpio

Great news, you are on the move  

TBH when we were referred we didn't get told about funding but I looked into straight away - I think you can find out on the HFEA webiste (I think) and it tells you what your PCT entitles you too.

It has been confirmed twice what our PCT offers but I just want something in writing as I too am nervous!


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

Well we were well aware of the criteria before we went, and the referral form basically asks the doctor all the questions to confirm if we are elligible for NHS funding. So I thought the mere fact the doc was happy filling in this form and referring us I thought would mean we would be able to get NHS funding. Then he says we will need to wait to be approved for funding, which confused me. 

Probably worrying over nothing, but I won't relax until we get confirmation of funding!!!

Also, does anyone know about how long the wait would be? I know it varies between regions, but does anyone have any idea as to how long we will be waiting?


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## Kakou (Apr 29, 2011)

Hi, it took about 2-3 weeks for us for an answer to come back but I think they told us 1 month originally


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Afternoon

Well we haven't had any official information on any funding, only from 2 separate consultants to verbally say what we would get from our PCT.

TBH I am like you and I am not going to settle until we have sat down and signed all the papers - I don't really know how it works TBH.

Fingers crossed for us all


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## Scorpio33 (Feb 28, 2011)

They don't make it easy do they? Maybe they intentionally leave it all vaugue so that if they want to refuse you (as they can't afford it) they can. I am sure I am just worrying over nothing though, but you never know! 

Hate all this waiting.

Good thing is the clinic we were referred to has "No waiting" according to the HFEA website. Maybe that is because no one ever gets funding though?!


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## lovebug29 (Jan 29, 2011)

Hi Scorpio

Nope, nothing is easy in this God awful situation we have all found ourselves in.

What PCT are you with?  I am very grateful that our PCT gives us three IVF cycles (let's hope this hasn't been changed since Jan) but we have to pay for donor sperm if we need it which is going to be expensive too  

I think to put your mind at rest I would call the clinic as I have heard that in some cases the Dr's haven't been aware of funding cuts - the patients have told them!

It's quite worrying really and every time I go to the clinic I always ask - something more to keep you on the edge!


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