# Ouch - turning 40 and how do I get through this?



## coughsweet (Nov 21, 2006)

Hello
I haven't been on here for ages. I am turning 40 at the end of the week and it is really hitting me that I will not have another baby. I feel totally surrounded by pregnant women. Just about everyone I know has now had their second, is pregnant with their second or is trying for their second baby. My son asked me just this morning can he have a brother please? I just don't know what to say to that - it just breaks my heart. He should have been a twin but now he is on his own. 
I am so angry with my husband for refusing to have more treatment. He just dug his heels in and now it is too late for me. At the moment I just don't feel like forgiving him and want to leave. I have been in floods of tears on and off the past few days. Turning 40 just seems like such a final end of the road for me and nothing to celebrate.
I know this is a total self-pit pot I am sitting on but I am just so tired of putting on a brave face about it and saying it's fine and I like just having one child when it's just not bl**dy true!
coughsweet


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## sanfrancisco (May 15, 2010)

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.I will be 40 early next year,we have had treatment for no2 and after using our frosties that will be it.40 is such a huge no in fertility terms isn't it.
My desire and desperation for no 2 is greater than it was for even no1 and I think people(who have never had infertility issues)assume we are cured of our pain once we have 1.
We were at a party the other evening and everyone was excitedly discussing our 40ths,trips abroad,beauty days,what pressies off dh's etc,all I want is what they've got and obtained so easily,a sibling for my ds,not a tall order is it!
It is so hard isn't it.I don't know your history,but is natural concepion an impossibility?We continue ttc naturally,be it half heartedly between cycles and I still get disappointed every month.
My ds should have been a twin aswell and deep down I was relieved when we ended up with 1 as I worried about coping with twins and the risks of prematurity etc.I naively thought that I would be 1 of the lucky ones who had a natural conception after ivf! Now I would have done anything for twins and our lives would have been normal again and this infertility buisness behind us.(although I probably would have wanted a no3)
Is further treatment out of question?Why is your dh anti further tx(apart from the obvious financial reasons)Men have no idea of the powerful desire that some women have to reproduce,it is literally in our blood.My dh is quite happy to go along with treatment so long as he does'nt have to fund it,I am working to fund our treatment whilst he buys anything he likes,which p......s me off especially as the only problem identified has been his poor sperm morphology although I suspect there is probably an issue with me as well i.e age!!!
I hope you're birthday is ok for you,and whatever the future holds your ds will be fine if he doesn't end up having a sibling.Painful as it is,we are mummies and we have been  lucky enough to experience pregnancy,birth and holding our precious ds in our arms. 
Big hugs to you,I really understand how you are feeling xx


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Just dropping by with some   , i'm not sure I can help with this at all but I do believe if you are 'that way inclined' having no.2 wouldn't have left you satisifed, I am blessed to have two children but having to have a hysterectomy last year I won't be having anymore and I still desire desperately for no.3.  I'm also surrounded by friends and family who are all expecting and whilst most of the time I can handle it, sometimes it completely consumes me and I feel as though I can't breath for the pain it causes.

TRY to celebrate your birthday and enjoy it.

xxxxxx


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## em2007 (Aug 14, 2007)

Just wanted to share the pain.  Bev is *so* right. I'm also very very blessed with two children but daily, actually hourly I am consumed by desparate desire to have no.3 and I just can't shake off that feeling of pain/disappointment at my body and kicking myself for leaving having kids so long and doing 'career' which turned out meaningless as I got made redundant. 
Bev - it is good to know that there is someone out there going through the same thing


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## coughsweet (Nov 21, 2006)

Thanks for your replies
You may well be right about still wanting another Bev and em2007 even if I had one but I do just wish my DS had a sibling. He has no cousins either although I hold out hope that my brother may one day get around to producing some! but his 2 aunts are childless and past having them now. It seems so unfair on DS. 

Sanfrancisco we're on our 6th year contraceptive free so I don't really hold out any hope for a natural pregnancy. I know it is so annoying when people think you are "cured" of IF when you have had a baby - even when I have explained until I am blue in the face - people just don't get it unless they've got it!  I can see your partner's response is not ideal either but at least he's still playing ball. Very best of luck with your frosties and continuing attempts 
coughsweet x


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Just had to reply to you ladies as Im alsofinding it very hard to cope.I also have 2 beautiful DS and have been desperately trying fo number 3 for 4 yrs.Just had 1st round of ICSSI which ended in BFN yesterday and Im devestated. This was our only try and its cost all our savings,just feel its not fair to keep spending the money on this and not on the 2 children I have.Everyone says you are lucky you have 2 and I feel guilty about feeling like this but it dosnt make the longing for another child any less or the pain of dissapointment any easier to bear.Especially when you read the papers as I just have and there are families in there whinging that the council should give them a bigger home and more benefits as they are expecting thier 5th child.Some of these people are actually being paid and kept in luxurious homes because of their ability to keep popping out more children,while others of us have to pay thousands of pounds just to have the chance to have a child.Sorry about the rant just wanted to get it off my chest,it makes me so angry    I wouldnt care if I lived in a shed my family is the most important thing to me.


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hello there, no time for a long post from me, but I turned 40 last nov and that was the absolute end of the end of the road for me regards ttc, I daughter icsi 2007, two failed icsi since, 3 years of clearblue fert. monitor.. peers popping them out left right and centre, devastating....... turned 40, sold the monitor, sold all the baby bits i had stored just in case .... and waited for my emotions to catch up with what my head had decided, enough. I had to move on. nearly a year later, emotions have caught up, i still feel that sinking in my stomach when i hear a pregnancy announced, but its not as bad ...... i hope it gets better x x x


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Janinec thanks for your post its good to see things will feel better at the moment im totally consumed by grief.


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## sanfrancisco (May 15, 2010)

Coughsweet-hope your birthday went ok,have been thinking of you 

Marie57-so sorry to hear about your bfn,it does get easier I promise you I am completely consumed as well,don't feel that I will ever be truly happy and complete unless I have further children.I am very grateful for what we have and that he is healthy,happy etc but have this terrible pain and sadness bottled up inside for the family which could have been(and hopefully still will be)I was with my husband for a long time before'tying the  knot',we wanted to do the holiday/drinking/selfish thing before having kids,if we'd stuck to it earlier we probably would have had as many children as we had wanted-3   xx


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

hi everyone 

coughsweet and sanfrancisco I feel your pain i am crying , i am so glad you shared your stories as i am going through this too.  Turning 40 next year and knowing that it is the end of the road is an ongoing process , everywhere you go there are ladies with beautiful bumps and that seems to get me more than a newborn, i think i had pnd and didnt find it easy at all and would of loved the chance to give my son a sibling, growing up an only child for most of my childhood i remember the feelings and never thought i would be in this situation.  Knowing that i could concieve if dh wasnt infertile is very hard  as our marriage isnt great and wonder how i will feel later on about staying etc.  

My husband doesnt want anymore he has his boy and thats it, I had to pay for all our treatment and he has never once contributed but spends on his hobbies huge amounts.  He had siblings and doesnt get how Ethan is feeling.  He has alot of behavioural problems poss adhd and alot of stress due to what is going on at home.  

just seen post that a cousin is pg with 3rd and it does feel a little unfair 

I could probably raise the money and beg dh to go ahead even though he destroyed his sperm when ds was about 6 months didnt want pay for storage and says he could get more out if needed but it is an operation which costs aswell.  but even if i did this its such a strain and what about any frosties i cant even think about leaving them , so for now i am trying to move on, get rid of baby stuff etc but i fear it will be harder as time goes on.

thanks for reading 

and big hugs to all suffering xx


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi girls thanks for your replies Sanfrancisco I think you hit the nail on the head when you said about feeling incomplete,I had always wanted 4 children I come from a large family my mum actually had 8 births 7 live children,so I never thought I would have problems ttc.My dh only wanted 2 so as a compromise we decided on 3.He has never really agreed with IVF as he feels things happen for a reason,and it is not meant to be for us.I cant help feeling like he got his own way so its easy for him to look at it like this.Its hard because despite feeling this way he agreed to do IVF as a gift to me,I know thats a very loving thing to do.We both turn 40 next year and had been saving for a nice holiday but have now spent all the money on tx,If it had worked it would have been the best 40th birthday present ever,but it didnt and now I dont know what to do.I had agreed this was my last chance for another child,but I really thought it would work,now im faced with giving up my dream and I just dont know how I do that.DH says we cant carry on like this as its destroying the family we have and where will we draw the line if not now? I do understand where he is coming from but its all so hard.Thanks for listening Mariexx


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## FBbaby (Jan 16, 2010)

marie, I am so sorry it didn't work for you. You story is so similar to mine. I too have two children 11 and 8 and I too always wanted another one. In my case, it was with a new partner. I was 38 at the time, so had started to accept it would never happen, so was over the moon when my partner asked how I would feel about having another child. We starting trying right away, got pregnant right away, m/c, fast forward 8 months and we learnt that we wouldn't get pregnant again unless with the help of IVF (my age and my partner lowish SA results). I think the moment we were told the news, my partner accepted that he might never become a dad. He agreed that we would try one attempt at IVF on the basis of not regretting it, but as the weeks went by, he started to believe that it wasn't worth it, the cost didn't justify the low chance of success, and like you husband, believed that it just wasn't meant to be. 

Like you, he made it clear in the end that he would go with it only to make me happy, but when it came down to it, I couldn't go ahead with it without his full support. i needed him to believe in it with me throughout the procedure, and I would have needed him if not successful and I am not sure he would have been with the way he felt. I felt incredibly resentful for a few months and it started to affect our relationship, but things got better. I started to focus on all the things we get to enjoy because we don't have a newborn, the strain it would be on our finances (baby would need to be in FT childcare and we wouldn't be elligible for any help) and the physical and psychological strain. We are both often exhausted with our life as it is, I'm not sure how well we would cope with the demand of a newborn too. Those thoughts doesn't take away the sadness and disappointment, I just can't accept that my wonderful OH will never be a dad in his own right and we will never share parenthood together, but the resentment is subsiding gradually.

I found out yesterday that very close friend of ours who had to resort to IVF for a second child had been successful on their first attempt. She is only two years younger than me and I couldn't help when hearing the news thinking that maybe we could have been successful too and the resentment came back up for a few minutes, but I kicked the thoughts away. It is not my partner's fault we met late in life, it is not his fault his swimmers are not supersonic, and it is not his fault his feelings changed from when we first started talking about trying for a baby. I am starting to be able to focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. I still have moments when I feel angry, but these are gradully becoming less and less. I think I have finally trully completed accepted it wasn't going to happen and that acceptance is allowing me to let go.


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks so much for your reply Fbbaby our stories really are very similar,which is good to know as I dont know anyone outside of this site in a similar situation which really makes it all seem so unfair.Im glad you are finding that you are starting to reach acceptance now, I guess this only comes with time does it?My husband wants us to plan next step but at the moment it all seems too soon I just cant make a decision over the simpliest things let alone one thing that seems so final.I am having counselling from the clinic next week so maybe that will help,also got my review appt week after but have feeling thats only really going to be helpful if you want to go for more tx  Pls keep in touch fbb.


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## FBbaby (Jan 16, 2010)

Let me know how the counselling goes. I've been considering it for many months now, everytime I go through an emotional painful time, but then I recover and tell myself I don't need it. 

I have found that time helps in that you have more and more ok moments and less and less painful ones, but they are still there at times. I just accept them and wait until it passes. It is also a lot easier now that I don't the resentment I used to hold against my OH has subsided. It wasn't so much resentment for not going along with our plans, but also the resentment that he wasn't feeling the pain I was and therefore although he would listen to me and comfort me, once the conversation over, he would turn the page, think of something else and be happy again whilst I still had to hold my heart. I now accept that although he feels in pain for me, he indeed doesn't for himself and therefore is not going to feel the way I do. It doesn't making a bad person or uncaring, we just experience it from different perspective. 

My bad moments tend to be during the day randomly, my good moments are mainly in the evenings, when I am shattered and the prospect of having to get up through the night brings me in sweat! I have good moments also when we are out, either because I tell myself we wouldn't be if we had a baby, or how much less relaxing it would be if we did. Then of course there are the peaceful sunday mornings when we are lazy in bed, enjoying ourselves without worrying about the time. If i still get broody, I think of our bank balance, my trying to save for a trip to the US! 

I've been through many friends getting pregnant when I didn't, those who had miscarried but then managed to give birth, those who struggle but did succeed via IVF, and the ultimate worse... my ex and his gilfriend getting pregnant and giving my children a sister.... They were both on benefits when she fell pregnant, not providing a penny towards our children. I knew through the kids they were trying for a baby and I prayed I would fall pregnant first (had the miscarriage during that time), but the day I dreaded took place when my ex told me that they'd had an 'accident'... I still hoped I would fall pregnant during her pregnancy so that the birth wouldn't be so painful, but it didn't happen. I had my worse emotional crisis when it happened, not so much as of jealousy that they had what I wanted, but that they were giving my children the baby sister they had been asking me every week for month. It was hard, but not as bad as my kids (who don't know I miscarried or that I was desperate for a baby) somehow protected me and didn't talk too much about their sister. I think they feel it is something that hurts my feelings although I try very very hard not to show it. I am now ok with it, have even looked at pictures, agree to donate some clothes etc... If I can get over this, I can start accepting life without another child!

Good luck to you, it is still very early days and you  need to grieve before you can turn the page, and of course, who knows what the future brings, an unexpected financial gain, your OH changing his mind, an embryo that manages to make it through the tubes, not to be expected or hoped for, but unexpected events do take place everyday!


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks again FBaby,I really got quite emotional reading your post  Its so wonderful to have this kind of support.Im starting to glimpse the happier moments again as you say its just for small moments but I think they are becoming more frequent.Yesterday I quite surprised myself as my eldest went out over the park with friends after school and my youngest was at a friends house,I said to DH this is a taste of things to come,He said yes but not if you have your way we would be getting Wahh Wahh in our earholes now.It made me think how true and I sat down with a cuppa and a cake and really enjoyed the me time! I wonder if I would cope with going back to the beggining again so easy now    Thing is we have been ttc for over 4yrs now and you dont really think how your family has evolved in that time do you as you have your mind firmly focused on the goal, It must have been so hard when your ex had the baby,bet your kids are pleased to get home to you though! My sister is in that position and her little girl prefers to see her dad on his own as she says the baby is too loud and takes all her dads time!Lol Had counselling today has helped me and dh get it out into the open what we both want which is a good start I guess .Love mariaxx


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## FBbaby (Jan 16, 2010)

Hi Marie, how are you feeling? You said one thing so so true and rings so familiar, and that is that after ttc for so long, it becomes routine, and the thoughts of around the desire to have a baby, which trully is what keeps us going after some time, can cloud our overall judgement.

I haven't thought in details about, but shifting the thoughts to how good our life is without a baby takes quite some practice and time to become the norm. This is why I am starting to feel better I think, because those thoughts are more and more present in my life, and the thoughts of having a baby less invading. I did have them a few days ago when my breasts started to hurt in a way that really reminded me when I was pregnant (they hurt every month, but this time was a bit more prominent) and for a few hours, I let myself dream of the what if. Thankfully, I've reached the stage that even when i do let myself dream, it does remain nothing more than a dream. Actually, I was thinking that it is very similar to when I let myself imagine I've won the lottery. It is not totally impossible, and it is a wonderful thought, but however much I emerge myself in it, there is always that acknowledgement in the background that it is only a dream and totally unlikely to happen.

Anyway, fast forward two days and the symptoms have disappeared and I know for a fact I am not pregnant and I am ok with it. It's become the norm and I am back to thinking how it is much better this way. Hey, I probably wouldn't be here typing all this, enjoying the peace and quiet of the kids in bed and my OH out cycling, but instead might be walking back and forth trying to calm down a screaming baby, my eldest complaining they can't go to sleep and resenting my OH for being out enjoying himself!
How much more counselling sessions will you have?


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi FBbaby lovely to hear from you again  I went for my review this week and consultant kind of expected us to go for another IVF I think,he seemed a bit surprised when we said we might not.I wa sasking about having my tubes unblocked he said it is possible (every other dr has said they dont do it anymore)But I feel I think I could live with it if I just felt I had a chance of concieving however small he seemed to understand when he realised we already have 2 children.it does change things a lot,as I feel they have suffered over this BFN as ive been so depressed.He said if i want tx not to leave it longer than 3 months as my FSH is creeping up so Ive not got much time left,its difficult decision now Do I get into debt and go for another tx,or have surgery which could take months to get and that could be to late or do nothing more and risk regretting it later  Ive never beengood at making descisions.
we get 3 free sessions with counsellor got to go next fri.Im glad you are finding some peace in acceptance,Its so lovely to talk to you as our situations are so similar.All my friends can have just as many babies as they want,and a lot cant understand the feeling of wanting another when I already have 2.Keep in touch hun and take carexx


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## coughsweet (Nov 21, 2006)

Just thought I would update on new confusion levels.
All of a sudden my DH said a couple of weeks ago perhaps we could give tx one last try!
Now I don't know what to think. I had thought mentally that 40 was my cut off point. I feel really annoyed that he would not do it when I wanted to aged 38 when we would have had a better chance but that was when he really dug his heels in. £5000-£6000 now for the small chance of it working now I am 40 seems madness. But still it has set me off longing again. Is it just throwing money we can ill afford away? 
I went to the nurse to get some blood tests done anyway and the nurse looked incredulous and said "why didn't you come in before?" because the Dr had put on file that I could have them done ages and ages ago and then I did not bother as DH had said no. I just felt such a fool. I don't know I can go through all the heartache. I feel like I won't forgive myself if I don't try again and I won't forgive myself for wasting the money either! But I will look at my blood test results at least. Day 21 falls on a Saturday I realise - what do I do about that? Do I have to wait until next month or will the out of hours service do it?
a very confused
coughsweet


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## summerglory (Jul 4, 2010)

Hi Coughsweet and all the other ladies on this thread

We have been ttc no 2 for 3.5 years, after undergoing my first round of IVF earlier this year and then miscarrying, we were both upset but took it as a sign that I can get pregnant again.  However, having spent £1000's on immune therapy and IVF we are now talking about whether we really can afford to do anymore IVF.  I will be turning 40 next year and ontop of it all I have rheumatoid arthritis.  My rheumatologist is keen to put me on heavy drugs that mean I can't try to conceive when I'm on them so it's a really loud ticking clock, because once we close the door & I start on those drugs it really will be the end.

We spent £2k last month flying out to Athens to have a hysteroscopy done and the consultant said she was absolutely convinced I'd fall pg naturally within 2/3 months of trying.  They found lots of scar tissue in my uterus that would have made it impossible to have a viable pg, so this was all cut away to reveal a healthy blood supply.  We have tried naturally this month - just waiting to see if I've fallen pg, but so hard to stay positive when you've been trying for so long.

Also, I feel it's very unfair on our dd to be mourning for something we haven't got, when we should be celebrating and enjoying her.  The IF journey has consumed me for the last 2 years and I do now wonder if it's time to admit defeat and move on.  Money is such an issue for us having spent so much already & in so much debt, how can we justify spending more £ when we're barely keeping our heads above water now.  It's a terrible place to be and like some of you have said our dd is an only child and has no cousins or other children in the family, we desperately want to give her a sibling but at what cost.


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

hi ladies 

wish you all the best with the decission, im thinking of using create for natural ivf with icsi and saw coughsweet thats where you went how was it?

afm i think dh as accepted finally that it isnt his decission to make re tx and we cant really afford it either but some things in life are far more important than debts within reason of what you feel you can cope with.


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## coughsweet (Nov 21, 2006)

Hi ladies
thanks summerglory for sharing your story - so sorry about your miscarriage - that's really hard. Knowing when to draw a line under this tx business is so difficult. I really hope you get lucky   

Rachel1972 I had icsi with mild stimulation (short protocol so following natural cycle) and got 5 eggs. I didn't find the tx itself physically taxing but of course the emotional side of it was awful. When I had it Create were outsourcing their egg collection and embryo transfer etc to the London Fertility Clinic but now they do it all themselves I understand. So I don't think I can really comment on how it is now as it really is a rather different set up to back then. Just lots of waiting around and reading endless novels on trains and in waiting rooms is what I remember. I would probably go back there myself and see what they would recommend as it worked there for me before and I prefer the option of fewer drugs. Lots of luck to you too   

coughsweet x


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## marie57 (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi ladies just wanted to say I think im starting to move away from tx now.I just feel so tired of appointments,and prodding and poking and scrimping and saving and the whole families life being on hold.Was supposed to book drs appt to get reffered for tubal unblocking but have not summoned the motivation for it.Just telling you this as I really never thought I would get to this point,but maybe its just a matter of time as Im actually beggining to wonder if I could really cope with the demands of a small baby anymore.I dont know if it helps anyone and I really feel quite confused over this myself as it was only a few months ago I was having iccsi and was devestated it failed.Maybe its just a phase and thats what bothers me will I regret giving up?Who knows I guess I could regret carrying on!!
Good luck and god bless all of you ladies out there


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

thanks coughsweet for you reply can i ask did you get funding for it and how did you know there was a softer option?

Marie well said about the reality of having a new born its brave to be able to think about the future objectively.  

I am almost certian that we will go to create if we can, my dh says he may not have a job come next year but i will have to cross that or any other bridges when we get to them.


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## coughsweet (Nov 21, 2006)

Hi Rachel
sorry not to have replied sooner. I heard about soft ivf as there was a spate of articles about it in the Guardian and elsewhere and it just sort of seemed to make sense to me. I did not get funding. We got referred to the local clinic but they said we would have to try 4 cycles of IUI before they would refer us as technically they diagnosed us unexplained. The other clinics we spoke to - Bristol and Create both said ICSI was needed with my DH's sample so we decided to go our own way as I was already 36. I think we would have been allowed funding eventually for one cycle after jumping through a couple more years of hoops!
I got my blood tests back today but can't remember what levels things need to be so need to look around this site again............I think my DH may be regretting his sudden surge of broodiness for another anyway!

Best of luck to all what ever options you decide x


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