# Anyone given themselves a limit on number of treatments trying for second child?



## Rachel2

I know I am so so lucky to have conceived dd through iui in 2004, but I really want to be able to give her a sibling. I am more desperate to than dh, but he would love another child too. As we already have dd we are paying for iui treatment. To begin with i agreed with dh to have just 3 tries of iui before giving up. He is paying for the vast majority of the treament bill. We have had 2 failed attempts and got so stressed we have had a break. Dh agreed that we could have 2 more goes. I am beginning to feel panicky now though as I know that if it doesn't work I would want to keep going, perhaps trying ivf. Dh and I had a huge row last night as he says I'll be a nightmare and blame him if we stick to what we agreed. He wants the whole trying thing to be over I think. I am really worried how I will come to terms with it if we can't give dd a brother or sister. I know I probably sound so ungrateful as we have a beautiful dd - but I can't stop thinking about not being able to have another child. I wondered if anyone else was in same boat and had any thoughts about how they will get over it if the treatments fail? Do most people just keep going, or do most people have a set limit pre-planned? I think I'm just in a very negative frame of mind at the moment. x


----------



## boonbo

Hi hun,
I'm not quite in the same boat as u hun but if i were i dont think i could set my self a target cos i no i'd have to keep tryin (money permiting), dont feel selfish about wanting another, i get really pi**ed off wen people tell me "u should be greatful that u have Jack" I'AM but it dose not stop the longing to give him a brother or sister so please dont feel selfish hun cos ur not.
Sorry if thos offends those who are still trying to concive #1 it is not my intension to.


----------



## Betty M

I had a mental limit of 3 fresh cycles both for no 1 and again for no 2.  I never needed that many though so I cant say whether I would have stuck to that limit.  Probably not in all honesty.

Best wishes
Betty


----------



## samper

Hi

I am pregnant with 1st child, to be honest we put a limit on conceiving this one on 4 treatment cycles (IVF and IUI) in total and gave ourselves a timeframe of 18months. Luckily we conceived on our 2nd IVF which was our 3rd treatment cycle.

I have already made the decision that if this is only biological child then so be it. I would love to have more than 1 child but I can not put myself through the whole TTC rollercoaster again, it is to damaging to our frame of mind and quality of life.

I will consider adoption however and will probably start investigating it soon after the baby is born (with a view to adopting in a few years). I don't want anything to take the focus off the new baby but feel that as we have been so lucky to conceive we should give something back, in this case a happy home to a child looking for a happy home.

We are all different though, so I can emphasize with your situation.

Good luck whatever you and DH decide to do.

Sam


----------



## Rachel2

Thanks for your replies. I have just had a long chat with dh and feel a bit better. My heart tells me never to give up, but my head knows it is best to have a cut off point. We discussed perhaps having one cycle of ivf instead of the 2 iui's we would have done. If Katie is our only one though, I will not feel cheated as she is absolutely wonderful. I want to be able to tell her that we did really try to give her a brother of sister if she grows up really wanting one. She is the centre of our universe though and I have never taken being a mum for granted. x


----------



## Ms Minerva

Rachel,

If you read my signature you will see my fertility journey has been a long one....and I am STILL trying for a sibling for DD, though I think that I am getting to the end of treament, it just takes so much out of me.

Good luck, whatever you decided to do.

Jules


----------



## lotsky

I only gave birth in October 2007 but already would love to have another one - say to get pregnant at the end of 2008 would be ideal. Although I know these things can NEVER be planned to a date I choose, its a game of roulette. 

Hubby has agreed we can do another IVF in Jan 2009 and not before. He says we need a break away from trying after taking 3 years and the treatment to get DD. I do understand that as IF took over our marriage and the TTC years were miserable ones.I feel grateful for DD but as soon as she was born I knew one was never enough. Although the pain of IF has been thawed out to some degree with DD its not gone 100% as I would have hoped.I love her dearly but Because of IF I think I want to have as many children as I can possibly squeeze out and would never want to go on the pill. Natural or IVF or whatever. I realise now after our journey what a lovely blessing children are and I totally relate to you wanting a second child. 

Re setting a limit on treatment, just look at it as never say never. As long as you have a free tube ( I dont know if this is your case ) theres always a chance naturally even if its 0.00001% - and miracles do happen. Also the chance of baby with IVF is higher than IUI so if you look at it mathmatically and DH will only do one more treatment Id deffo go for an IVF even if it means waiting extra months to save. That way you may even end up with extra embryos to do FET if a tx fails etc. 

I know where you are coming from, and dont panic, and try to think about what it was like before DD if you do come to the end of tx with no sibling. DD is better than nothing and what a blessing she must be to you already. xxx Lotsky xxx


----------



## Edna

Hi there,

Its a very hard and emotive question.

I don't want to spend the whole of Evelyn's early years ttc with drugs and stress but I do want her to have a brother or sister.

We've not set a limit to the number of cycles but have said that we'll stop when I hit 40 (so May 2009). I said this before it seemed so close and in reality I think we'd review our position and decide what to do.

Best of luck and hoping you are successful before you hit your limit.

lol


Edna


----------



## cleo1

When I saw my consultant he told me their were 3 possible psychological outcomes
1. You get pregnant and are happy
2. You don't get pregnant but you know you've tried all you can, and you are happy.
3. You don't get pregnant but you carry on trying and trying and you aren't happy.

I'm hoping there will be a time when you just 'know' when to stop -haven't reached that time yet myself!

Love, Cleoxx


----------



## Clare the minx

Gosh your post could be me!I also have a child(son though)through DIUI and would love to provide him with a sibling but it's such a big gamble.I feel horrible as I know I should be contented as we're blessed to have the child we have and others are still trying but I am SOOO BROODY!I keep weighing up the pro's and cons but it's like a very big gamble really.I could be taking money that we could be using to go on holidays,saving for sons future etc to gamble on a 70/30 chance(odds against me)to have another child and though the longing is so strong it's driving me insane I look at my son and think if it doesn't work how bad am I going to feel that I've 'gambled' away the money and when do you stop trying!I know once I started I couldn't stop and then I'd be taking more and more money away from our FAMILY for a chance.I've got to count my blessing with the child we've got and make peace with myself that maybe there NEVER wiil be another child.


----------



## slinkyfish

Hi,

At first I had in my head that I'd have one more ICSI, use up any frosties we had from that and then that would be it. However I wasn't too sure I'd be able to stick to it because I *really* wanted my daughter to have a brother or sister. Unfortunately this cycle really took it out of me. I felt very ill towards the end of stims and ended up with mild OHSS. Me being poorly really upset my little one as she is old enough now to understand things, to a point. Even with lots of basic explaining and reassurance it's still had an effect on her. In the end this and feeling so ill made my mind up - I wouldn't have any more ICSI's. I decided this before I got the BFP - frozen only from now on and if it didn't work, that would be it. My point is you know when you've had enough and I just knew I couldn't go through the whole lot again. Have an open mind and see how you get on - it only takes one to stick!

Good luck!


----------



## JackieMR

Hi Rachel2,
I could really relate to your post.  Our 9 yr old dd was born after a first full IVF cycle and so we thought having a second baby would be easy!  -- so we didn't set a limit on a number of treatments.  However, it took us 8 years to succeed with IVF again.  I have to be honest and say it was a very hard 8 years and we did actually decide to give up 2 years ago after I had a m/c.  Then a year later, we decided to have one last go!  I think the reason I found it so hard was because I never felt as though we could just relax and enjoy the child we had - it always felt as though our family was incomplete.  In the last few months, for the first time I have felt that our family is complete and it is the most fantastic feeling in the world.  On the other hand, we have been very lucky (particularly as I was over 40 by our last attempt) and I think if we hadn't succeeded I may have felt very different about things.  It certainly put a major strain on our relationship at times.

You mentioned wanted to give your child a sibling and while I think this was something we thought about it became less relevant as time went on because the age gap was getting so big.  Our dd sometimes says she wishes she had someone she could play with (which is not to take away from the fact that she thinks her little brother is adorable).  I suppose I'm just saying that the image you have in your head is probably of two children quite close in age and the reality can actually be quite different if they are further apart.  It feels a bit more like we are bringing up successive only children than bringing up two children together if that makes sense.
Jackie


----------



## ready4Family

Rachel,

First, you are not at all ungrateful for wanting another child.  A lot of us on here make that comment.  THose that conceive a child naturally never have such a thought so why should we?  We just love our little one so much and want another to complete the family.  Wanting a second has nothing to do with being ungrateul for what we have.

I'm the same and wonder how long we'll go.  In 2007, we had 4 failed attempts (3 FETs and 1 IVF).  It's a tough question as after each attempt, I feel as though we're closer to our end.  Dh was ready to give up and I wanted to keep trying.  At this point we've actually switched clinics to take a diferent approach.  Of course, reality has to kick in some time financially, not to mention what it does to us emotinally (and physically...although I'll go through anything physically to have have another).  I can see us trying for another year and then stop if it doesn't work.  It's really hard because second time around, it affects our little one at home and we don't want their childhood years to be remembered by tx.  But having said that, I'm an only child myself and so want our son to expericnece being an older brother and having that interaction.  Tx has definitely put a strain on our marriage and DH and I are even going to counselling to deal with the stress of tx and life (and it's helping).  

I hope that your  next IUI works for you so you don't have to determine when to stop.  It's tough too when you each have different opinions on it.  If it happened once, it can happen again.


----------



## meobs

Hi Rachel

My signature will tell you my history.  We have 6 frosties left and have decided to use them and then call it a day.  We desperately want a sibling for our 4 year old but it is just not working.  Am now pulling out all the stops for an even more healthy lifestyle and hoping that 1 or 2 of our next 2 FETs work.  It has been a long 6 years with TX having taken over my life. I want to be able to get on and enjoy life without treatment and appointments.  Please let this FET work (and the next  ). 

Good luck with all your decisions and TX.
Love
M
xx


----------



## Ms Minerva

I am an only child too ready4family, which is one of the reasons that I keep going, trying for a sibling for DD, though with each failed treatment,the age gap increases, not at all what I wanted, especially given my own age (43!!!) Also, as Jackie says, with a big age gap, neither of the children really have a playmate, and I read somewhere that with a gap of more than 5 years between children, they are both effectively only children, if that makes sense. But then again I lost my wonderful Dad last year, and having a sibling, even 5, 6, 7 years younger would have helped me to cope....

Good luck to us all!

Jules xx


----------



## ready4Family

Jules, no words can express how sorry I am for the loss of your dad.  I see too from your signature that you've been through a lot trying for a sibling.  It's so hard isn't it?  Like you, I think about how each BFN makes the age difference even bigger (and is more discouraging).  I do hope your next attempt brings you a BFP and makes you DD a big sister.


----------



## Ms Minerva

Thank you for your kind words, wishing you the best of luck at your new clinic.

Jules xx


----------



## bunless

Hi Jules  

I just wanted to reassure a bit about the 'two only children' thing - I think it's a load of bull. There's exactly 6 years between Claudie & Jasper, they play together everyday - Lego, bricks, cars, dollies, building camps, reading books, they watch TV together, bath together, share a room etc. I can't imagine siblings have a better relationship - Jasper just adores his sister, his eyes light up when he sees her, he completely idolises her & the feeling is mutual; Claudia is so proud of everything Jasper does. There are advantages to having a bigger gap (I know that when it has been forced on you it doesn't feel like it) - both my kids will have been 'baby' for as long as they needed to, there's been no suggestion that they've had to be more grown up because there's been a younger sibling coming along. I haven't had to compromise in how I want to parent them because there's a demanding toddler running around. There has been no jealousy at all.

There's 20 years between my youngest sibling and me & god I adore her  When she was little I was more like an extra mum to her but the older she gets (13 now) the more like friends we are. Claudia & my nieces & nephew are between 5 and 9 years younger than my sister & they are incredibly close, play together loads and have great relationships. 

I see my friends with several small children/small age gaps & see how overwhelmed they are and think my little family is just perfect. However you get there it will be perfect in the end.      

I'm sorry you had such a tough year - I really hope 2008 brings only good things.

Layla xxx


----------



## Ms Minerva

Layla - thank you for your reassuring post, it is so good to hear that the age gap doesn't in anyway affect the close relationship between your two children and also between yourself and your sister and I do agree with you that I sometimes look at friends with the "perfect" two year gap and boy, do they look tired out! 

Jules
xxx


----------



## Edna

Layla,

As Jules says thankyou so much for posting its nice to hear another side to this and see the advantages from someone who has experienced a bigger age gap.


Edna


----------



## JackieMR

Hi all,
I'm sure there are lots of advantages/disadvantages to having only children, close siblings, siblings with an age gap etc and people in that situation probably feel differently about it.  I wouldn't call someone elses view "a load of old bull" just because my feelings were different.

I have a 21 year old daughter from a previous relationship and there is a 12 year gap between her and my younger daughter.  They are very close sisters, however, my daughter has been at University for the last 3 years (and was out an awful lot as a teenager for the few years before that) and so I don't think there is any way that I could say they have been brought up together.  My younger daughter often says that she wishes Laura still lived with us.  That was partly why I hoped to have a sibling for her with a smaller age gap.  As it is, she is besotted with her little brother but with a 9 year difference and being realistic, by the time he starts school, Hannah is probably going to be very involved with teenage things like her sister was and shortly after that may be leaving home herself.

Having said that I have loved being able to spend loads of time building a relationship with each child in turn and I entirely understand those who say it is different as you get older.  I have a brother 9 years younger and am much closer to him now than I was when I was younger.

Rachel - I hope I haven't said anything that has upset you.  Reading between the lines, it's clear that you would like another baby for you (and that's great) - please don't add to your distress by feeling guilty about whether or not you give your dd a sibling - they might be close or they might not be - they may grow up and hardly see each other (my elder brother is 18 months older but we only meet up once a year!) or they may be best friends.  I'm sure you are fantastic parents to your dd and she will have a very happy childhood whether she is an only one or not.

Jackie


----------



## sallywags

This is so hard – and a question that I have spent a lot of time mulling over lately.  I would so love another baby, and would love to give my little girl a sibling – I don’t know what my life would have been like without my sister, who is also my best friend.  However, we have never had any funding, and £6000 a try is a lot of money (particularly as we are in the throws of house buying and selling!).

I look at it in lots of ways – firstly that the money shouldn’t matter, and if I choose not to do it for financial reasons, I may live to regret it, but if we spend thousand trying and then fail, it could mean that we can’t do the things for M in the future that we would have otherwise been able to do.  If money was no object, I would say I would try 3 times more for another one – but who knows what your heart would say when you got there?!

Good luck with whatever choice you make  hun.


----------



## ready4Family

Jules, thanks for the wishes.

Layla, just have to say that I read your post and it so warms my heart how your two kids just adore each other.  That's just the kind of relationship you want between your kids.  

sallywags, isn't it sad how much tx costs.  I would pay whatever it costs if we knew that it would work for sure (after all, there's no cost for a child), but as you said, you also don't want to deplete your savings and comprimise your little one's bringing up it it never does work.


----------



## Rachel2

There have been so many lovely and reassuring posts on here - thank you so much. We have decided to have 3 more tries for a sibling (2 iui and 1 ivf if needed). I will then feel that we did our best. We may not have had so many tries but I have just been through a breast lump scare and it made me see things very clearly. It also made dh realise how much it means too. I will still feel so lucky to only have dd  if it doesn't work - so it is still a win win situation really. I don't want her to be effected by the stressed of us ttc, and so I'm glad we have now decided a way forward that has a definite end. x


----------



## sallywags

Sometimes i think you just need a plan, don't you?  If you get to the end and you change your minds, that's fine - but having an infinite way ahead with no definite if's and buts, it can be very daunting. After our 3rd, and what we thought final, treatment, dh said that we should try once more, even though that isn't what we had planned. (and actually ended up not needing, as the little tinker had hung on in there anyway, but we just hadn't realised!)

Big hugs - we were third time lucky, hope you will be too. xx


----------



## ~ Chux ~

AFAIC there is no 'perfect' age gap, there are advantages and disadvantages to both big and small, but neither is 'better' than the other.

My two are only 16 months apart and at the moment get on brilliantly (most the time) although we have had a few ups and downs to get to this point, but I do believe that's more to do with the child and their temperment/personality than age difference. Yes J has jealous tendencies, but he had them before M came along and no doubt will still have them in 10/20 years time. I guess that comes down to the nature/nurture debate.

No matter what age gap you have or how many children you have, it'll be right for you because you will make it right.

Chux xx


----------



## Snorkmaiden

We are not entirely sure how many goes we will have, ttc #3. 

We are so very lucky to have our twins, from our first ICSI cycle, that we kind of feel weird doing it again - like we are being greedy, but we really would like one more baby. 

We'll have our second ICSI cycle in September and if it works, that's it for us, our family will be completed. If it doesn't work, we won't have any more treatment for at least 12 months. We might have a FET if we have any frosties, but if we need another fresh cycle then  we'll have to carefully discuss it. We are self-funding treatment and as you all know, it's expensive. Also, once our twins are in full time education we don't really want to go back to sleepless nights and nappy changes, so if we haven't got another baby on the way by then I think we'll give up ttc altogether and just enjoy the children we have, rather than hoping for more. We've got three more years of trying left. I'd be sad not to be pregnant again have another newborn, but I could live it.


----------



## sallywags

I know - i still think this is a tough one.  I love mollie to pieces, but i feel sad sometimes that she might not have the relationship i had with my sister.  Things like christmas morning are never going to be quite such fun with just mum and dad, i would love her to have a sibling to get excited with.  She has her cousins, one of who is only 4 months younger, but they won't be there all the time.

I wish there was an easy answer!


----------



## Mae1

Crikey, this thread touched me.

I have a DS aged10 from previous marriage. We also have DD aged 2 from ICSI. Their our world. The age gap is not a prob at all, they love each other, play together and rely on one another for hugs etc. Its an utter joy to watch.

The next problem is my immense broodyness. 

I am once again feeling that desperation to have another baby. Maybe Im greedy, maybe Im selfish but I have a longing thats so strong I just have to follow through with it.
I was very ill during my last pregnancy, was in hossie a lot (OHSS, prem labour that was controlled eventually, then fitted several times and was diagnosed with epilepsy ) 
I feel so selfish in that I want to go through with it again and the possible impact it will have on my family. Should I stop now?? The trouble is, I cant even ask for the answer because I HAVE to carry on.
Ive done my 'research' and have asked several friends who have children, did they 'know' when they'd had enough babies or did they always yearn for more. They ALL answered that they 'just knew' when their families were complete.
I'm keeping that thought in my head and hoping that when the time comes and that feeling is felt, then and only then will I call a halt to it all. I never want any regrets.

Take care to you all and wish you all the best.

Lol

Mae.x


----------



## Vivaldi

Hi there, 
I am in exactly the same boat thinking when do you stop?

We have a son born in 2004 after 2 x IVF+ICSI, both BFN, then IUI with DS BFP, and desperately want baby no. 2 - I won't feel complete unless we have another one, I've always wanted 2, and I would feel _*mortified*_ if our son was an only child. Sometimes I feel wracked with guilt that he hasn't got a playmate and think he must be bored although we try to give him all the attention he wants and needs.
I'm also worried about the effect the tx has on Mummy, and several times he has caught me crying or in bed and asking why, and it is a strain keeping upbeat for them, and I wonder will it affect him in any way?
We have been trying for baby no.2 - on list since Jan 07, started txt Sept 07, had 3 x IUI with DS, all BFN, and we decided (partly) that if the 4th IUI didn't work we would give up - didnt want txt taking over our lives, as you're totally distracted aren't you despite your best efforts and we didn't want to 'miss' any more time with our son.
BUT the 4th IUI in early 2008 was a BFP, and we thought how lucky are we that the LAST one worked - right up to the point when I miscarried at 5 wks, and now it seems we're back to square one.  

Do we have more txt? The last one 'worked' didn't it? In a way it's thrown a spanner in the works as how do you give up now after I got pregnant? It worked after 4 cycles, won't it work again if you have another 4? 

The cousellor says that the decision to give up is a HUGE one and not to underestimate it - if that helps anyone, it helps us, as you do go round and round thinking about it.
We've decided (DH is totally on board and agrees bless him) that we will give it 4 more gos of IUI, and if they're all BFN, then we can't say we didn't try cos that will have been 8 x IUI across 2007 and 2008. I feel like I've got to try now as I'm 38 this year, so 'no time' to have a break, and also we agonise over the gap between our son and another sibling (IF we got lucky) as it's only getting bigger - he's 3 and a half already and would have been 4 if the pregnancy had gone on. 
So we are going to give it another run of tx this year, and take the hit this year with stress, no money, angst, etc, and then I'm sure we'll be more ready to give up as we'd have had a bellyful by then.

Hope this helps someone - all I know is that the whole situation SUCKS and I'm always feeling guilty or bad about one thing or another and constantly worrying about are we doing the best for our son who IS here. 
Good luck everyone with your deliberations - the decision can only be yours, but although your head may say one thing, I think you've got to do what your heart tells you too, as you'll never settle otherwise and will always be agonising over it.

Vivaldi xxx


----------



## Ms Minerva

Vivaldi - sorry to to read of your miscarriage. It is just awful to have your dream so cruelly taken away from you.  

I am now lucky enough to be pregnant and there will be over 5 and a half years between DD and our baby, not what I planned, but life never does go to plan does it?!

Wishing you the very best for your treatment this year.

Jules xxx


----------

