# New to all of this....feel excited but very nervous!



## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hello,
I just thought that I would dip my toe into the waters of FF.....I am feeling a little bit lonely at the moment and I don't quite know where to turn.  

A little bit of history.....me and my DH have been TTC for 2 years with no success - not even a feint glimmer of hope so far.  I have had all the tests and they have all come back fine for me (just the Hysteroscopy to go) my DH has had results back and they aren't the greatest - nothing that would totally rule out conceiving but due to our ages (me 34, DH 36) time is becoming the issue so the lovely Consultant at the hospital has recommended ICSI for us.

We should be going though it all now, but unfortunately I am in the middle of my Finance exams and then we booked a holiday in June (well, we decided to cheer ourselves up, then the ICSI referral came through which wasn't something we was expecting..... so, we have our planning appointment in May and will start treatment in July.

I don't think I am doing too well with concentrating on my exams and revision though as all I can think about is the treatment.....DH doesn't really understand how I feel - I worry in advance about things, he worries when the situation occurs and no sooner (I wish I could be like that  ).  So, there I am fretting about it all and I feel that I have nowhere really to turn to.  

I do find it hard as every time I turn around someone is posting a picture of their baby scan, it's on the TV - sometimes, it would just be nice to hide away for a bit.  I think it's the not knowing if the treatment will work....the permanent count down of fertile times and then the waiting for AF to appear (or hopefully not).

My sister has 3 children and the people at work and some friends all pin the "career woman" label onto me and think that we are too selfish to have children, it's not true, for many years we have wanted our own family but we are private people - my sister has said some very mean things in the past - she doesn't know what me and DH are about to embark on - I got the whole "money doesn't hug you and tell you it loves you" speech etc - I really don't know that if I told her, whether she would support me or laugh at us behind our back.

I am on count down to beginning treatment, I feel nervous about it all but excited and hopeful - I keep thinking to myself, it's all character building stuff this but truthfully, I just wish it could happen for us naturally  

Anyhow, I feel better for putting this in writing so to anyone who reads this - this has been therapy in itself lol  


To anyone else reading this and going through a similar thing - this seems to be the one place where everybody on here really does understand how you are feeling    

Wow, I have woffled on - sorry and thanks for taking the time to read.


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Hi Josephine

Welcome to FF! Your post really resonated with me and I didn't want to read and run!

I've been a member for nearly a year now and the wonderful ladies I have met here have helped me through treatment and two chemical pregnancies, some of the women on here are truly heroic and I know you will find any info you need or support you want here!

I know exactly what you mean about the "career woman" label, all my old workmates, I'm working mostly from home now on a consultancy basis to allow me more time off for treatment and tests, assume that I or my DH are too busy to have children or we are enjoying our "carefree" lifestyle too much!

It couldn't be further from the truth, We would both gladly give up everything we have in order to have a baby and complete our family but sadly people who don't have fertility issues don't understand that!

Your holiday in June will probably do you good, take the time to relax before treatment starts!

I've had the "you aren't getting any younger" speech so many times and I know how any variation on this theme cuts us like a knife but you just have to shrug them off and remind yourself, people who don't suffer like we do just don't get it, if you let it wind you up too much it will drive you crazy, of course that doesn't preclude you from having a good old fashioned rant on here if you need to!

Pudding
X


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## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi Pudding,
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my posting    You have made me feel a lot better in myself and not like a looney lol

I am sorry to hear of your chemical pregnancies   , I am pleased that you have had support going through it all and I hope and wish for a positive future for you  

The comments I have had about us not having our own family (and stupidly dwelled on) go back years and I think for some reason, the stress I was feeling yesterday (I have a streaming cold and I have 7 hours of online lectures to get through today - not nice ) got to me thinking about them all (I know I shouldn't have gone down that road but I felt a bit low and my mind starting wondering....!)

It helps to know that my feelings are echoed a million times over by everyone else who struggles to start a family - I am not being mad!

J  xx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi Josephine, 
                  Just read your story and it made me want to respond. I have been on ff for about a year and it has helped so much. Everyone is very supportive and the advice is great. 
We are unexplained but I do have polysistic ovaries. We were on clomid for 7 months, had lots of blood tests and my husband had semen test all was ok, had a hsg which showed all was fine but it was painful and nobody warned me that. 
So anyway we have just started our first round of IVF. Where is it you live?

Felt sad reading about your sisters comments, do you get on ok? We have told our family and some friends now which feels so much better and everyone has been supportive, I have to admit I have had to pretend to not be ready etc for a few years now and it is hard, people can be so insensitive. 

Hope you get there soon, keep in touch xx


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## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi Perla,
It's really great hearing that this forum has helped so many people 

We too are unexplained, however, to try and help things along, DH has given up smoking; nearly 6 months now and doing sooo well - no side effects to him quitting - no mood swings or anything like that lol    It's good to think that when I undertake treatment, that he has already made some sacrifices to try to achieve the dream  

We live in the North West, outskirts of Chester.  Where do you live Perla?

It's very complicated with my sister, we have been estranged for over a year but she has just recently got into contact with me, so we met up a few weeks ago - it went well so hopefully things will work out for us.  I will never tell her about the IVF - there just isn't any trust any more - it's a very very long story about how we came to become estranged........that would be a whole different post lol.  Family.....you just can't choose them  

I have to confess to doing the same as you, with regards to people in the past asking when we are going to have our own children,  in our own time etc.  In the end people have given up ever asking as they have written us off - but at least it's easier so if it never happens, we don't have to tell anyone publicly, just deal with it ourselves privately.

We have told some family and friends like you - my Mum and even my Dad have been really great lately - my Dad was fascinated by the whole process - he felt honoured to be included in the conversations I have with my Mum - he is turning into a modern man the older he gets  

Enough about me (zzzzz!!)....

Where abouts in the IVF process are you?  How are you finding it so far?  I am pleased that you have some support from your family and friends, sometimes  you find support and understanding in places you never expected it.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I really am keeping fingers and toes crossed for you    

I have the HSG in July, I had heard it was painful so not looking forward to it - just another step closer though so I am viewing it as good pain!!

I really really hope it all works out for you hun xx  Stay strong and I hope to hear good news from you xx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Hello, Really nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your sister.... Families are a nightmare sometimes.
We live in Essex. We are using Bourn Hall in Colchester.
Sounds like your Husband has done really well.
Dont worry too much about the hsg I found it painful but a lot of people dont. I actually got a bad uti after it... not sure If it was from that or too much   funny business but just make sure you take the antibiotics they give you.
Anyway... Feels like its been a long time to get to this point but on day 5 of gonal f injections so should have egg collection at the end of the month If all goes well.
Are you going to take some time off work for the ivf? x


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Welcome to FF!!!

I hope you and your DH had a good Easter and I wish you luck with your upcoming exams, I'm sure you will be fine  Having a holiday before your tx sounds like an excellent plan too.

I've put together some links to different sections of the forum that I think you may find helpful in your journey. There is a section about Male Factors in infertility which I think you may find useful, and an area about ICSI chat. You can also start your own treatment diary and there is a cycle buddies area for when you are having treatment, so you have a place to talk to others who are at exactly the same stage as you.

Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.
Here are a few links that I think might help you.

ICSI chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Cycle Buddies (undergoing treatment at the same time) - CLICK HERE

Male Factors in Infertility ~ CLICK HERE

Regional ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Our live chat room has a new member chat at 8pm on Wednesday. Here is our Chat Zone section which will give you info on other chats: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it. We go through all the highs and lows of treatment together. 
Good luck!


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## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi Perla,
You are right, it does seem to take a long time to get to this point, and I am finding the nearer I am getting to all the appointments, the longer the wait seems to feel like in the first place!!  I have 2 weeks until our planning appointment - and wow, the time seems to be dragging.  We all seem to be on a permanent count down to something.....most fertile time of the month, then waiting to see if AF shows, appointments etc.....!

So you are already on day 5 (well, now it's day 12 I think!).  How are you finding it?  I hope you aren't getting any side effects xx

Not sure what to do about work, I think I will be ok with coming in late for any scans (disguised to my boss as blood tests....wow, the queue was long....!!) and then for the actual procedures of removal/transfer, then I think I will have some holiday around that time.  I have a male boss who would die on the spot if I told him about the IVF - I feel bad lying but at the same time, if a company were to make you redundant, they would not think twice about the employee and lying to them so I guess, that's how I deal with the guilt (or at least try to tell myself that!).

Are you taking time off for IVF?  Have you told anyone at work?

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you xxx  

Are you keeping a diary of your treatment at all?  I was wondering if it could help any feelings of anxiousness, writing it all down?


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi Josephine,
Yes it all take ages and is constant waiting, it feels like life is just on hold all the time. Honestly your ivf will come round quickly now. 
Yes youre right... today is day 12. I have been on one injection at night ( gonal f ) then now introduced an injection to the morning. Been going for a scan everyother morning and a blood test too, they keep a close eye on you. 
With work I have told my boss... I have worked for him over 15years and hes almost like a Dad... He has been really good. The day I go to the clinic fo a scan etc I just go in at 12. As of tomorrow I have almost 2 weeks off which will include ec and transfer If all goes well and some much needed rest. I have taken some as holiday and some unpaid although they are paying me a bit. It helps them knowing I considered not telling them but now I am going through it I realise I had to. 
A few people at work know and our family, also a handful of friends.
How about you ?  x


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Also side affects.... At first had awful headaches and so tired but now i feel good actually. Not kept a diary tbh I have wanted to write a journal for years.. should really get round to that x


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## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi Perla,
Handy to know that you have been having a scan every other day and bloods, helps me plan a bit more for any time off/change of hours I may need.

Your boss sounds lovely and it sounds as though you have the right amount of time off too  

I hope you are well at present.

I have told very few people, at the moment the main source of support are my parents and a friend.  DH is good too, he will come more into play when we start treatment - he is more of a "deal with it when it happens" kind of person so I know I can rely on him nearer the time.

DH has told quite a few people at work - he has lots of his fellow colleagues and friends who are fascinated by it all!  He often makes me laugh by all the blokes he works with asking how it all works, they all seem very interested which is both encouraging and amusing    
After every appointment, they all want to know the next update lol

I think I will start a diary, even if it's just to "download" my feelings as a form of therapy - it may help or it may not, but I think I will try it.

I am glad that you are feeling better now, I am not looking forward to potential side effects; maybe I will be lucky and not get any.....(oh please!!)!

Good luck with your treatment, keeping fingers and toes crossed for you


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Thanks for the lovely message! Yes it's good when work are understanding! 
I am finding it frustrating explaining to people everyone assumes you will have twins or triplets and that you are guaranteed for it to work! Also do not understand what goes into it, physically and mentally.
Keep me posted x


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## Amiep (Nov 8, 2013)

Hi Josephine,

I have just been reading your post and it really struck a cord with me. This is my first day in here and i dont quite get the terminology everyone is using so excuse me if i get it wrong http://static.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/Smileys/classic/smiley.gif

I have been married for nearly 5 years and we have been trying for a baby for 3 years. All my friends have children, like you there is babies all over ******** and insensitive comments about when we would have one. Unlike you though our family and friends seem more persistent in asking about it so to keep them quiet I have taken to telling them all I am infertile ...... It makes for a very quick conversation http://static.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/Smileys/classic/wink.gif

We have started the IVF process and am on day 5 of the stimulation using Menopur, we are hoping for egg collecting on Monday 12th May. I dont want to bore you with the medical issues behind it all but I have like you been feeling negative and distracted by everything, I somehow managed to convince myself the first IVF attempt wont work. I read the Zita West guide for IVF a few months back which I found incredibly informative and would encourage everyone going through this process to read it beforehand. In there she recomends seeing hypnotherapists to help with positive thinking. It seemed a bit far out there for me but am desperate for this to work so went along to one last week.

All I can say its the best thing that I have done, I came away with an amazingly positive outlook on the whole process and instead of seeing the injections as something to dread I started to look forwards to them as I know they are aiding the process and taking us another step closer to our baby.

It sounds like your partber is committed and you have your parents on board which is the main thing. Good luck with everything, I hope you have an amazing holiday and find a way to relax and focus on other things xxx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Amiep, welcome! Not sure who you were referring to...
Good luck with your treatment! This will help you so much on here x


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## josephine96 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi AmieP,
Thanks for taking the time to read my post - you have some sound advice on being positive.  I really hope things work out for you - how are you finding the treatment?

By the way, I still struggle with the terminology....took me forever to work out the simplest of terms such as AF and DH but you soon pick it up xx

I am feeling quite low today as the hospital have just had to postpone my appointment (the one where you set dates etc) to the end of May - it should have been tomorrow. I know it's only 2 weeks away, but I am desperate to know a bit more about the actual start date - give me something substantial to work towards.  I am not very patient when things are out of my control - I like to have a plan lol 

I have a feeling that when I last saw my consultant, he said I would be on Menopaur too - how are you finding it so far?

DH volunteered to do my injections for me....he seemed keen - perhaps he wants revenge on me for nagging at him to tidy up......lol  He doesn't seemed phased by any of it so far - he just takes it in his stride which is great.


Good luck for your egg collecting, I really hope to hear good news from you xx

Stay positive  
Take care xx


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