# Need a hug



## PixieJo (May 16, 2007)

I know so many of you have gone through this pain, but I just need to share my feelings with some one...

Have just begun to bleed, day 11 after ET. (2nd ICSI attempt)

I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. My first attempt ended in a miscarriage. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm a good person and I should be pregnant.

I feel guilty to all around me for being so consuming of them and I hate those that are pregnant around me, which is an awful way to be.

Where do you all get the strength from to try again and how soon after can you go again.

Lots of Love

Pixie Jo xxxx


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

I am sorry you have started bleeding. It might not be over yet, as sometimes women bleed a bit and have a BFP. 
It is normal to feel like that though, and writing it down or talking about it helps. This is what FF is here for. 
phisically, your body needs 3 periods at least ( 3 months) to be ready for next treatment, from what docs have told me in the past. Emotionally it took me 6 months between last one and the one I am doing at the moment.

I am sending you lots of   for your test date.
Future Mummy


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Hey Sweetheart, BIG HUG 
It feels so pooey.
When I had to go for the test last time, after I'd started bleeding and got a BFN with a hpt, I sat in the waiting room and balled my eyes out. I was emitting such negative vibes that they skipped the line for me, and ushered me in so I didn't have to be spreading my crocodile tears.

Let us know either way - and hey, they say time heals!
It hurts to fail, but we keep coming back for more!

Love Kate


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## PixieJo (May 16, 2007)

Thank you so much for your kind words. They really are helping me get through the day.

Fingers crossed for a happy ending for you. xxx


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## Cazacan (Feb 25, 2007)

hi Pixie Jo, I am sorry to see your are bleeding and I hope the outcome is a positive one x 
I just had to write and say I understand everything you write...I too have just  had another bfn am so sad and exhausted from it all. 
This was our 4th ivf attempt and this time we were trying DE a huge step but I felt convinced that it would work at last for us.
I feel like I am  living in a bad dream, all around me are pregnant friends and i just want to cry  .
If one more friend, tells me the story, of someone they know who went threw the same thing, and then it happened when they weren't trying, I may scream 
I know  they mean well and I hate myself for being so horrible.
I do hope you feel much better very soon  
And good luck with whatever you choose to do next
x cazacan


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Cazacan, lots of   to you too.
Future Mummy


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Pixxie, Cazacan, kttkt and future mummy,

Like you, I've been through the mill and many times along our road so far have felt like I could not take it any more. After our last failed attempt (chemical pg), I really did start to go into a state of depression, which I realised when I read Alice Domar's book ('Conquering Infertility'). I'd really recommend that one because rather than focusing on the 'how will I get pg' question, its main purpose is to get YOU through this. I've slowly come to realise that, yes, indeed that's more important than anything else. You get so focused on getting pg that you forget about the person in you, what you enjoy, who you love, where you want to/could be in the future. IF has consumed so much of my energy that I just have to focus on getting my life and myself back (as well as making sure DH and I come out the other end together!). It's such a scary thing to have to go through. You question everything in your life and get completely lost because you just don't know how to plan for your future without knowing if you'll have children or not.

What's helped me enormously (other than finding Fertility Friends a ling time ago - thank you all sooooo much  ) has been to think that there are many ways of becoming a parent and having children in your life. We are not quite ready yet to give up on IVF, but I've also really changed the way I feel about adoption, because at the end of the day, it's becoming a parent that I really want and there are many ways to do that. But I also keep my family close and it has helped to show them (well, just my mum, dad and brothers to be honest), just how hurt and sad I am. They really have rallied around me and are now giving me so much more love and support. I think for a while they were still thinking it would all turn out alright in the end and they just did not realise (or want to know) how painful IF is and how much it's gnawed away at me. Now they really are wonderful and that's helping me a lot. Finding a few really close friends, whom you trust and who share their children with you without gloating or being full of pity is wonderfull too. This way I feel like I do have children in my life and that most people who really matter to me know that I'm not just 'the career woman' who doesn't want children.

Oh my god, this is like a confessional. Sorry for babbling on too much, but perhaps it helps. One more thing I've forgotten: anything you can do just for yourself is good. I've started acupuncture, which has been great, but reflexology, massage, anything along those lines may help too. A lot of ladies on here also swear by councelling.

Pixie and everybody else, take good care of yourselves and look after number one. You so deserve it.

Lol,
Kats


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Kats,  , my heart goes to you too. 
I don't know how I would have coped without this site at my last BFN. it took me 6 months before I could contemplate trying again and I too used that time to get back in shape and have accu and gentle cranial osteopathy and I think it helped me with my hormones and fertility. My osteopath was recommended, she works a lot with fertility issues, stress hormones as well as backache and headaches. 
Now just about to stop stimming with an EC on Monday.Hope it will be ok. 
Best wishes to you all,
Future Mummy


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Future Mummy, enjoy your drug-free day on Sunday and best of luck for EC on Monday. I'll be thinking about you and keeping fingers crossed for you. Hope you don't feel too groggy afterwards and get two lovely beanies to go back on Wednesday. At my last ET, I got totally soppy about those embies. Really was starting to go  , I think.

Here's a big   to all of you. Pixie, hun, hope you are looking after yourself.

Bestest,
Kats


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

i'll give you a hug, pixie jo.


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## PixieJo (May 16, 2007)

Thank you all soooooooooo much for all your hugs.  

I'm feeling a little better (i think). DH and I have booked to go on a lovely holiday over Christmas and I think that is what is getting me through. I'm just focusing on being away and being able to spend some quality time together without thinking about treatment etc. Well I'm going to try not to, but we all know how difficult that is.

Thank you all again. Being able to talk about your feelings on here helps so much.

I wish you all a really Happy Christmas and fingers crossed for 2008 for all us wannabe mummies.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

have a great holiday hun 

pam xx


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Pixie, going away for Christmas is a great idea. Leave it all behind you for a while and really enjoy life. You and your DP so deserve it.

Have a good one,
Kats


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## Dahlia (Oct 29, 2007)

Hi Pixie Jo    

Hope you have a lovely holiday- you really deserve it.

Kats- that was such a lovely post. Can really relate to the friends who "share " their children .

Good luck girls    

Dahlia x


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

I need a bubble.... Please
I feel bad. Hubby's angry at me, because I'm being so "demanding". 
My mistake - to ask him if the milk was OK in the cocoa!! Well, it tasted sour  
Well, he had no idea if he used thefull container or the nearly empty container, and since I've been forbidden from going downstairs I couldn'check, and yes it was a BIG deal to me, since the last thing I want now is too consume off dairy products.

Anyway, he checked. The milk was fine, he'd just put too much cocoa powder, and very little sugar in.
That was two days ago, and he's still not talking to me. 

Don't know what to do - he ain't hugging me now when I feel like I need it.

Kate


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## Jools71 (Apr 24, 2006)

Hi Kate

Just wanted to give you a hug chick 

How old is he The sort of thing a child would do 

Anyway hope you kiss and make up soon this journey is hard enough without people falling out over some milk  

                    Good Luck

                                  Jools x


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Oh Kate, they just can't relate sometimes, can they?! You deserve a massive hug, going through all this again. Your emotions and hormones are probably all over the place and after so many rounds of ICSI, you will of course be worried. 

My DH has a habbit of just not talking when he's upset. It's infuriating, but he's never been able to keep it going for more than a couple of hours. Hats off to your DH   Even though it feels wrong and your DH should be more grown-up, you could try and swallow all your pride, make a huge apology and see, if that gets him round. You do need him more than at any other time, so anything you can do to make things better, it's worth a try.

Hi Jools, nice meeting you here.

Kats

P.S. Am having ET tomorrow. Doing fine so far with 10 fertilised embies. Stay strong, little ones.


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Jools and Kats,

Thank you both soo much. It's so good to know it's not just me insanely blowing my top over trivia x x x


By the way - I ventured to the kitchen the next day, and found the new bottle of milk hadn't ben pened at all, so the milk WAS the week old milk. How annoying is that? 

Love
Kate
x x x


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Boooooooohooooooohoooooo. What a cheek   Bless the poor soul. He probably know's full well you're right (we always are, aren't we  ).

Kats


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

to all of you. 

Cat x


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Girls, I'm going maaaaaaaddddddd     How do I stop myself from knicker-checking every two minutes and thinking that every little twinge is AF arriving? 2 days to go till test day. How do I survive??

Kats


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Can you have a day out? do some retail therapy or see a film and have lunch the worse thing I used to find is staying home and waiting  .. you can do no more now sending you lots of               

Cat x


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Girls,

All that positive energy helped, thank you Cat.

I finally got my result yesterday and it's a  . Can't twell you how over the moon I am, but also very anxious about the next two months, having m/c before.

I do feel like some huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and am just increadibly tired and exhausted. Getting this result after 5 IFV cycles is unbelievable, but I think it's only now that we will see how hard it's been. You don;t really allow yourself to fully acknowledge it, do you. Have to always keep strong, ....

Whatever happens next, I certainly won't ever feel like I can just move on and forget. IF will stay with me for the rest of my life.

But for now me and DH are cautiously celebrating.

Sending you lots of love, positive vibes and a huge hug.

Kats


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## sleepybird (Mar 12, 2008)

Loads of hugs to you pixie jo. take a break now- go on holiday. come to terms with it and come back fighting! I'm only on 1st cycle and on 2ww so i can't imagine what you're going through. however,  just reading through some of the profiles of the ladies here ,so many keep on trying. they find the strength somehow as i'm sure you will.
Go get a large glass of wine and take it easy
sleepybird


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