# Struggling



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

I don't know where to post this but I have to write it down and get it out of my head. Moving on? Not really. That implies some sort of forward progress not the same heartache over and over again. I have a wonderful son who I thought I'd never have, he's more lovely than I ever dared dream. I adore him. But there's an ache in me, deep inside me and it won't go away. I'll never have another baby, I'll never give him a sibling. There will always be an extra chair at our table, an extra seat in the car. There's room on my lap for two. My son has a little table with two chairs and one has a doll on it, a pretend child because it will never be occupied by a real one. I want another child. I want to make my family bigger. I am grateful that I have my son (grateful doesn't even come close!) but when I have something so amazing I'd be crazy to not want another! I realise I'm luckier than I might have been and so many women would give their right arm to have just one child. But sometimes it hurts. So. Much.  Now and again I shamefully think how unfair it is on me because our problem is male factor. I don't like admitting that. I could have had as many children as I pleased but not with my fiance and I chose to stay with him because I love him and want his children not someone else's, the consequences are that we have one sole precious child and will never have any more. I made the decision with my eyes open and don't regret it, I love him, but it hurts like hell some days. Having said that, even if hell froze over and we managed to conceive again I don't think I could risk the birth after what happened last time, I need to stay in one piece for the family I do have. So no more for us.
But. I want two children running into my arms, two children to tuck into bed, two children to hold tight and to love with all my heart. I want a sibling for my son, another sweet hand to hold and another little face to kiss. Coming to terms with this is like forcing a round peg through a square hole.


Well if anyone's read all of that then thank you, it's nice to be 'heard', if not then at least I got my thoughts out and had a good cry.


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## FlyingCat (Jan 23, 2011)

A huge hugs to you. Well done for letting that out. You are being very brave.


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## Jelly.B (Sep 27, 2011)

Xxx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

and more


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Have a massive hug - x


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thank you girls. It helped to get it off my chest and all written down. I'm usually ok but sometimes there's just a wave of it hits me... Feeling better today


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Kandy, these feelings have a knack of hitting you completely without warning and really do knock you for six.  I was at my sisters Halloween party at the weekend, knew there would be a newborn there, and I avoided 'it' like the plague - I didn't want to see 'it', touch 'it', smell 'it' - and yep, the mother is 'a chav' - always moans that she wants to go out, gets preggers at the drop of her knickers, whinges about every pregnancy symptom, moans about how much she hates her life to ad nauseum and happily drinks her body weight in alcohol through her pregnancies - yes, plural..... the type of 'mam' that REALLY gets my goat.

I couldn't avoid 'it' all night and eventually I got her thrust into my arms...and all I felt was pity for the poor little mite. ...yes it brought back a few memories - but I was absolutely fine - for me this is a BIG step forward....

Massive hugs to everyone on this thread.... in the six months from my little op - I think I've turned a corner....at least I've stopped crying at the Clearblue adverts....

Sheila


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## pinkbt (Dec 1, 2007)

I'm not yet moving in... but nearly (maybe last IVF cycle underway but low amh etc etc)... understand everything that you've written.  Most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes my grief just washes over me.
xxxxxx


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## TTC2010 (Feb 7, 2010)

Oh kandykane, I could  have written your post myself. I long for another child but feel like we're coming to the end of our "trying" journey now.

I feel like I'm missing a child, as though we are a family of four and I'm looking for the second (non-existent) child all the time.

My DD has just started asking when she's getting her sister and it's breaking my heart. She asked if she could swap her baby doll for one of her friends bwby siblings. I struggle daily to hold it together.

Before her arrival, I thought the ache for a child would go with her arrival but in fact I think it has increased as now I know how wonderful it is to have a child. I also feel I owe her a sibling.

I'm crying too much now to think clearly but will come back to this thread when I'm in a better frame of mind.

Xxx


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

pinkbt said:


> Most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes my grief just washes over me.


That's it exactly!

and TTC2010 I'm dreading my DS asking for a sibling. He's got such a kind heart and is such a sweet child it's inevitable that he'll ask one day. His best friend is about to have a baby sister so I'm thinking the questions might start soon ... 
Sorry you're finding it so tough today


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## seemedlike4eva (Jan 26, 2010)

kandykane, our problem was originally MF, I knew about it before we married but stuck by my man . When IUI with donor sperm didn't work, we had double donor. Our miracle baby girl is 7 weeks old, and I long to be pregnant again, to be planning our 2nd, I don't want her to be an only child.
BUT - I've been told very bluntly that I might not survive another pregnancy I've had severe pre-eclampsia twice, DD no1 died at 3 days from brain damage, DD no 2, born @ 34 weeks, and we love her beyond belief. I spent 3 years on the BFN veterans thread as it took 17 cycles of tx to get our baby, but now we've done it, I'm longing to do it again.
Dipping my toes into the world of toddler group - most of the other mums are pregnant again or have 2 or more...


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## hols83 (Dec 2, 2013)

I totally understand how you feel because I feel exactly the same. my son is so beautiful and I honestly know  blessed I am but I just feel so sad that we will be a family of three. I feel like I'm letting my son down  and thirdI worry so much that he will be lonely. I worry that I've l, et my family down, I worry that ill never really be able to identify for any of my friends who just seem to be announcinghow pregnancies ever week for their second and third children. I worry that me and Dh are not going to be enough for our son, he probably won't have any cousins e! ither as neither of his aunt or uncle want children. 
the thing I worry about the most is that I will never really move on. I wish that I could wave a magic wand for all of us to magic those feelings away I suppose at least on here we can all vent and share with another without feeling ridiculously guilty for not being able to be happy with what we have . 
I hope eventually we all find some sort of ok place x


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

seemedlike4eva - I totally get it about toddler groups. We go to them and I do enjoy them, DS loves them! But sometimes I get a bit blindsided. Tuesday for example I went to a group a very close friend also attends so had been chatting to her, she is mummy to DS's best friend and is also expecting no. 2 in a fortnight. She had IF probs herself and knows our journey, we support each other. So on Tues we were talking a lot about no.2 arriving (which I'm worried about how I'm going to handle, and god forbid DS asks for a baby sister like his best friend) then one of the other mums struck up a convo with me, turns out she has 3 and was excited about putting the two boys in their own room together and getting coordinated bedding for them etc. Well the two one after the other was just too much and I started crying right there and then    managed to be discreet and pulled myself together in time for Father Christmas to come in    but it got to me. Anyway sorry am waffling now. 


Hard isn't it.


Massive hugs all round


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

So. My close friend I see pretty much very day has just had a beautiful baby this morning. One girl on my parenting thread has just had her second, another is due her second in a few weeks and a third has just got a bfp for her second. I'm delighted for them all, they've all had fertility struggles and are all wonderful, deserving parents. I can't help crying though    I feel like such a jealous cow    I have no one who I can talk to who understands. Even on ******** where I have a private group of four mummies (our babies were all within a few weeks of each other and we are close friends) one of them has a 7week old second child and another is due her second in march. Everywhere I turn there's a baby or a bump. No one understands. People just say I should be grateful and 'well at least you've got ds' yes but that doesn't mean I have no right to be sad we can't have another like everyone else can. Feeling really upset, isolated and full of rage at the injustice .... Really need some time without seeing bumps and newborns everywhere but I can't avoid them!!!


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## ayah (Dec 18, 2013)

Oh, kandykan, struggling and evryone else here.  I'm new to sight, so been trying to find way around and where i fit in. I Posted in a few places but did't feel right as the other ladies were still trying for no 1.  But as  i'read this thread feel like i've found my place.  

Every sentiment is  mine too.  My journey for a sibling for my almost 5 year old son, will come to end with next and final ivf.  I dont feel positive about it and putting it off, cos it will mark the end, and im so scared of a bfn or m/c as i,ve had before.

My sone has been asking for a baby for 3 years now.  Seeeing all his friens with babys or older siblings.  Each time he says, "i'm keeing this for my baby, or made this for my baby", it ripps my heart out.  Last month my bb had her third.  We friens from school and had first together, though i'd been trying for years.  I joked to thank her fot waiting for me befoe she had first, just few weeks before mine.  But then she had no 2 and i kept thinking, if this cyle works they will still be same year. But no i did not get pregnsnt.  Now her no 3 is here and no 2 not even two till march.  I hate myself gor feeing jelous.  But i cant even call her.

When my DY found out he said. "Oh not another one! Cant we have him?"  When i explained no as his mummy and daddy love him, DY asked if we can have  the  middle child.  He lloves babys  so much and tells me he wants someone to play with.

My heart is broken.  I'm off sick with anxiety and depression, and feeling such a failour, for not having a sibling or being able to work.  My head is a mess. My hub thinks i' m putting my deprssion on.  He just thinks he feels the same, but he not had the tx drugs, or the gilt. 

Thank you for listening

Ayah


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## Laura79 (Oct 27, 2013)

Can I just say hi, I could have written this. Just had another bfn this morning on my journey for a sibling I'm broken.
I totally get everything you are saying, I feel like I'm missing a child, I feel incomplete. I don't know how I'm going to face another year. All my friends are pregnant with their second or third child and I need to 'smile' all the way up to June now with all the expectant babies. My son broke my heart last week when we did another baby visit and driving home he asked me 'where's my sister?' 
Like you all I know I'm lucky to have him, he took so many years to arrive, but I don't feel lucky I feel cheated for having to go through this when all I want is a family.
Sorry for the emotional rant xx


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## ayah (Dec 18, 2013)

Laura, so sorry for your BFN.  Must be so hard at this time of year.  My heart goes out to you.

My son has been cutting out pictures from argos books, today saying this is for me and this is for my baby.  Yesterday we went to Next sale, and he kept saying, "can i get this for my baby?"  Had to say lets wait till he's here.  My heart braking that there my never be a baby.  Was also avioding anyones gaze, incase anyone said congratulations!

Got the bill through for next icsi.  Just dont feel i can face it right now, but feel guilty not to.

Take care all
Ayah xxx


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## Laura79 (Oct 27, 2013)

Oh Ayah, my heart goes out to you. It's so hard to hold it together isn't it.
I, like you, feel I can't do this again. Every bfn I see a little bit of my soul dies and every cycle seems to send me deeper and deeper into depression. BUT I feel guilty not to try again, I keep telling myself that the day I see my children play together all of this heartache and pain will be worth it. I need to start realising that this might never be, that all the baby clothes I've kept may never be used again but I just don't want to believe this yet.
I hope that 2014 is your year, I will keep everything crossed for you, take care all xxx


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## ayah (Dec 18, 2013)

Laura, that is completely me too.  The garage is full of clothes and boxs and toys put by for the next one or dear i say two i dreamed of.  I look in there and think of all the space they are taking, but cantbring myself to go through them.  Not yet.  

Those bfn's do eat away at the soul.  Really hope that it your year too, whatever you decide to do.  I'm going to have a brake for few more months, then see how i feel.  DH really wants one more go.  He takes the bfn so hard to, but it comes out in anger not tears.  Just makes the situation that much harder for me to cope with too.  Right now i just feel tx is just not going to work.

Yhank you for listening.  

Ayah xxx


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Kandykane - sorry I am replying so late, have only just seen this. How are you?

I have a similar situation in that we have MF infertility. We started trying 5 years ago and found out 3.5 years ago we needed ICSI. We have a DD who is 10 months old. I desperately want another child (would ideally like 3 more but will be happy with 1). We have done another ICSI cycle and that didn't work. Were currently doing our last FET. I turned 40 last week and im inconsolable. I love my husband more than anything and chose to stay with him and go through all the treatment but I find myself so down now its hard to get up. At 40 I think ive given hubbie the last 5 years of my productive life and I will never get another child now. We have agreed to try donor sperm IUI if this FET doesn't work. I was worried it would be odd for us but im now more settled with it. Seems silly to worry about what the child will be like when getting pregnant is such a struggle and the odds are against success. 

You are only young. Could you do donor sperm too?


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Hi KL,
How far along are you with your FET? 
When you're feeling down it's hard to not feel bitter about the mf isn't it, I understand    We were open to donor sperm as were told at our first consultation it may be necessary but we gave it a couple of goes with DPs own wrigglers and managed to have our wonderful DS. We were also open to embryo donation abroad if needed. The thing is there are other issues... we don't have the money for starters, plus my eggs weren't that great last time, most weren't mature and we only had one egg fertilise, added to that I'm the main earner in our house and self-employed so can't take mat leave or we'll run out of food, rent etc    and lastly we had a very frightening experience just after the birth involving an emergency MRI, post partum haemmorage, a suspected bleed on my brain, pulse dropped to 40 that wouldn't go back up again.... I can't risk not being here for the son I do have. I guess if we ever (please God!    ) got a surprise natural bfp I'd have a c-sec but birth terrifies me now   

anyway. it's not going to happen for us. gutted. I know how lucky I am to have my precious boy though, I appreciate him every single day...


best of luck for your FET


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## Maxi2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Kandy Kane your feelings about resentment due to make factor is like a mirror for me.  I have never said it before or even allowed myself to think it although I've always felt it there lurking in the background. I also feel that I could have have 5 kids by now, my mom had 7 of us my the time she was my age can u believe it?! I feel terrible but at the same time ur post bought me a lot of comfort.  Like u I love him that's why I'm with him and I know this is a journey that I have to go on.  
Although we have been married for 13 years it's is only in the last couple of years we've undergone this journey as he had azoospermia we genuinely thought we couldn't have kids which was hard, but now we have this small hope that we may be able to have kids I just can't think of anything else. 
I do feel like I am going crazy, it's funny, before we knew this I kinda accpepted it, but now I don't know how I'd cope if we don't have a child, and I know that if we are lucky to have one I will so desperately want another one...


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Kandy and Maxi - its very hard to deal with male factor and it isn't something that's talked about a lot on here. It has caused all sorts of pressure on my marriage. Im not sure its the same the other way round when the woman has a problem as the men seem more accepting of not having a child. 

Ive just turned 40 and its made me wander if I should have stayed. My hubbie is brilliant in every way except he cant give me children naturally. I would have loved 3 more kids but im trying to accept even 1 more is unlikely. If we split when im 50 I will be so angry I went through all this for him and gave up my chance to have another baby - a chance that you can never get back once you get to a certain age. My husband says im obsessed with him leaving but im not. I think im realistic. Weve been together 15 years and are very happy except for IVF. But ive seen it happen to others where completely out of the blue the man leaves. 

Anyway Kandykane. I understand what you said about the birth. 2 friends of mine had the post partum heamorage. Only 1 has had another child as the other couldn't face it. Another friends heart stopped on the table during csection and they never figured out why. She took 5 years but eventually had another baby and all was fine although she was very scared. I didn't have a good birth but not as dramatic as yours. But then I think I got through it and next time the doctors would be more prepared for what my body might do so it might be easier. Seems a million miles off at the moment anyway. If im ever in that theatre having a csection again I shall be so grateful to be there I wont be scared. 

Sorry kandykane if asking questions about why you cant have a second is a bit annoying. im sure you have thought of nothing but how to make it work for ages so sorry to stir it all up again. 

Oh at the moment im on day 18 of FET. blood test Monday 17th March then embryo transfer 18th March. Ive been counting down to this for 3 weeks and now its nearly here I feel constantly sick. Im so nervous the bloods will be wrong or the embryo wont survive defrosting. My DD was from a frostie but then we had 2 and now we only have 1. Im convinced this time wont work and my biggest fear now is the feeling when it doesn't - whether it be next week if the embryo doesn't survive defrosting or after the 2WW. I had a failure the end of Jan and I thought it would kill me. Not sure I can go through many more of those. 

Maxi - good luck with your treatment, and big hugs for you Kandy.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

KL good luck for your ET tomorrow    


don't worry about stirring things up for me, I think about it every day!


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Thanks Kandy. Bloods were ok yesterday. Now im waiting to hear if the embryo survived defrosting. Feel sick waiting for a call. Im taking the dogs out for a walk to pass and hour. 

I have 2 dogs too. They are important members of the family and my DD loves them. what sort of dog go you have?

If we have to stop IVF ill definitely get another dog.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Oh girls, I can sooo go along with your feelings, when it was just me and my fibroids that were causing our infertility, I could deal with it....and hubby was soo supportive, he has seen me through some life changing (almost life ending) experiences and has always been there for me...yet when we were told that he was azoospermic, I felt cheated.  I think after coping with bereavement and miscarriage, this new revelation might have been the last straw for us as a couple. I think we talked more then than we'd ever talked before and together we came out fighting.  Apart, we both had such huge demons to deal with, but together we were a force to be reckoned with - whatever we were facing, we'd face it together.  When the clinic refused point blank to do any surgical sperm retrieval - that's when I felt angry - I felt that I was doing the whole icsi thing myself and I really felt the pressure to 'perform'.... but hubby redeemed himself when he was the sperm donor to our one and only embryo. 

Yes sometimes I still ache for another baby, but thankfully our lg seems soo content being the centre of our world, she's never asked for a brother or sister....and whilst I had a wonderful c-section birthing experience, the thought of going through the emotional and physical traumas of another treatment isn't very appealing. 

KL - wishing you all the very very best for today x x 
Sheila


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