# How supportive are your parents /siblings?



## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hi everyone, I hope this isn't too 'off topic' but we're just starting out and I'm reading on here about a lot of people who have had some long and very difficult journeys along the way and I'm wondering how supportive you have found your close family and friends to be? We have already experienced some opposition from my dad at the idea of me getting pregnant with a donor and we've not even started yet   He still holds the outdated view that it would be a difficult life for a child to be a child of gay parents (even though he adores my wife and came to our wedding)...We hope he will come around. My mum has no issues with this but we have a strained relationship for other reasons. We're very lucky to have wonderful friends and other family members who are amazing so I know we will have support but it's such an emotional and stressful journey, have you found some relationships have become strained? How important is support from friends and family to you?


----------



## sophia_snail (Nov 7, 2010)

We have chosen not to tell anyone that we are on the journey- literally only us and the clinic know (plus 1 member of HR at work who knows vaguely why I have missed the odd morning of work). I know my mum would be too excited and fuss too much and it is hard enough deal with the BNFs ourselves without having to let her down gently too. Having to pretend we are happily childless when talking to all our friends who have recently had babies is really hard and just occassionally I think maybe we should tell a select few, but mostly I am glad we haven't told a soul.


----------



## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hi there thanks for your reply. Wow I never even considered keeping it a secret but in many ways it makes a lot of sense. Some of my friends have got very over excited at the idea of us trying already as if it's going to happen overnight and they get to play at auntie and uncles soon. Perhaps we won't tell people about actual appointments and keep it vague and say we're trying sometime next year. Food for thought thanks and very best of luck with your journey. Emma x


----------



## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Hi & good luck, I hope your journey is a short one! During our IUI's, nobody knew but when we had our IVF we told my Mum only. When I was pregnant we dropped a few bombshells (in law's in particular). We regret the 'bombshell' route for some people but not for others. I wish we'd planted the idea in in law's heads before hand. Saying that, we didn't have any negative reactions & in laws are amazing & treat S like a little prince (too much sometimes!). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm glad not many people know what we were doing so we could handle our dissapointments without others getting involved but we underestimated the shock factor of a lesbian couple getting pregnant. My dad mentioned the same as yours - I just told him he was a selfish bleeeep for creating me knowing I would be ginger - he got the idea!


----------



## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hi there,

What a beautiful little boy you have  Yeah I think it's interesting what misconceptions people have when they don't have to consider these routes to have a baby themselves (to be honest I had loads myself and I'm still learning). I'm usually the sort of person who is really open with my close friends about everything so this would be something new for me, but I imagine handling other people's false hope and disappointment would make it ten times worse if things didn't go to plan. Interesting your dad had a similar take, must be a generational thing! It makes no sense, he can see how happy we are and often comments on it but for some reason to him we wouldn't be a happy family? Makes no sense!


----------



## Monkey07 (Jul 8, 2012)

We have told both sets of parents our plans and both have taken it really well - surprisingly so considering I don't have a great relationship with my mother but maybe things are on the up  my best friend knows everything, my partners knows most things and because I am a childminder I have told a couple of the kids parents due to the amount of doc appointments (for bloods) and time off I will potentially need. Having said all of that... Now we are getting closer to things actually happening we have discussed keeping things a bit more quiet for, as others have said, if we gets bfn's it will be hard enough for us to deal with let alone having to go around telling others! Xx


----------



## johno21 (Jul 24, 2011)

Hi,

We didnt tell anyone right through the process of finding a clinic, donor, appointments, medication and early scans. Although our families would have been supportive enough, we decided that as the TTC process can be unpredictable and possibly full of both highs and lows emotionally, we didnt want to have to share any disappointment with our nearest and dearest when we was not even sure exactly how we would cope ourselves.... not to mention that we had a sense of wanting to keep some things "very personal". 
We did however tell everyone as soon as we were through the 12 week milestone and was met with some surprise, some a little put out that they werent involved in "our creation" from the off, and others were chuffed but on the whole we had great support.

I would say do what you feel is right for you both but remember this is "your special creation" and anyone who knows you and knows what you may have to sacrifice both emotionally and financially will surely understand and support you, whatever your decision.

Good luck on your journey, i hope all goes well


----------



## Malky1985 (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi,

Me and my wife told quite a few people our plane of having IVF, we told people we were stating treatment at some point this year but thats as far as it went nothing else and nobody asked us any questions. The only people we told that it was actually "Happening" were our parents. We decided this because we didnt want to get everyones hope up and it it was a BFN then we could deal with it on our own and decide when to tell people at our own pace if it didnt work. Luckily and i say luckily as i believe we have been honoured we got a BFP first time and i'm currently 12 weeks with our baby.

I think its personal choice, sometimes i wished other people knew what was going on so i could talk to other people about any worries etc but then again would they understand what was going on.


----------



## Pognut (Apr 8, 2012)

All my (relaxed, not homophobic) family know we've just started - waiting for referral to the clinic now - and are being lovely, v excited for us, etc. We haven't told my partner's (older) parents yet and am not sure when to. They have health problems and her dad is quite difficult (as well as possibly having early dementia...). Never straightforward, is it.


----------



## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hi Pognut,

Yes I can relate to the older parents thing as my dad is 73 so of a different generation. People can surprise you though and not respond how you would expect them to. We're actually being quite open with friends and family now about the intention to start the process and hopefully dad will catch up soon. Best of luck with everything x


----------



## thedreadpersephone (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi, interesting to read about all your different situations.  

My partner and I have been together for a long time so people in general quite often ask about kids (and marriage   for that matter) which sometimes feels awkward when they don't know the whole story.  My partner is a trans man so people just tend to assume we are a regular straight couple and find it a bit peculiar that we are still unmarried and childless after all these years.  

My family, especially my mum, were beginning to put a bit of pressure on me to have kids so I think they're pretty happy that we are finally heading in that direction.  My brother is much younger than me, only 17, so he's pretty self-involved like most teenagers!  We are close though so I think he will be supportive once there is something more concrete to talk about.  I've kept my parents up-to-date with the progress so far and I think will probably continue to do so once we actually get to the stage of ttc.  

The situation with my partner's family is a little more complex.  They live in Asia so are not there for the day-to-day stuff.  Although his mum is okay with me and our relationship, she is not really accepting about him being trans and tends to still treat him as a daughter.  Just recently she told him that she would come and see us if I had a baby because she would consider it his child as well.  It really means a lot to me that she said that because from a cultural point of view genetic relationships are paramount where my partner comes from.  His sister has always been nice enough to my face but is uncomfortable with people knowing about us and didn't allow me to attend her wedding.  She is currently at the early stages of pregnancy following IVF so in theory that could bring us together but in reality I have very little contact with her.  Her husband apparently refused to allow her gay friend and his boyfriend to stay at their apartment so there are clearly some homophobia issues there.


----------



## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hi thedreadpersephone, 

That sounds like a complex family situation, particularly on your partner's side but it does sound like there are some positive changes happening with his mum at least saying she will treat your child as family... Baby steps  in the right direction at least, amidst a lot of hurtful rejection! It sounds like your side of the family will certainly welcome a new addition and good you feel comfortable and supportive enough to keep them informed.

One of my best friends is a transguy and I've been present when his father was challenged in a hometown pub for introducing him as his son. They remembered him as a child and corrected his father saying 'no that's your daughter'...!! Hoping your partner's family grow to be more accepting and wishing you luck in your plans for a family x


----------



## annie.moon (Sep 16, 2012)

Hi Annica 

My partner and I haven't told our parents, but only because we wanted to keep it to ourselves until we have good news to share. I'm not sure how my family will react. I don't think they expect me to have a family, but I think they will be happy for us. I have only told a couple of close friends. I have one friend I share everything with and it would have been too weird not to tell her. I also told a work colleague, as I've been finding work tough, and it has been really good to know that somebody knows what is going on for me. I'm really looking forward to telling everyone when we finally have something to tell. 

I have a couple of gay friends who have children, and they said they were quite surprised by everyone's acceptance. One friend struggled a bit with her father's reaction when she told him her partner was pregnant, but as soon as the baby arrived, everything was fine.

I hope it all goes well for you. You are doing a beautiful thing and deserve to be happy parents.

Annie x


----------



## sibbnchaz29 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hey there, 

We started our journey last year with a referral to clinc by GP....we are still on the review waiting list and given that the treatment waiting list is 12-18 months long we are deciding to go into UK for non waiting list treatment. (we live in Ireland)

The people we have told are my sister, my partners sis n law (we are very close) and a distinct few friends. All have been extremley supportive.  When the time comes for treatment we are going to try and keep hush as exactly as the other ladies are saying, if we are unsuccessfull 1st time then it will be hard enough for us to deal with let alone having to explain over and over again to everyone we have told.

My daddy hopefully will be OK. we spent alot of time worrying about when was the right time to tell him, weve decided now though to just hold off until after the 1st trimester and then just tell him.
The in laws on the other hand are a whole different kettle of fish, they are still "having dreams" about how Charlene(my partner) and I met 2 good men lol...weve been together 10years.  So maybe planting the seed a little in their head wont do any harm....

I think everyones circumstance is different but at the end of the day what I tell myself is its our life and if this is something which we really want to do (and it is...it soooo is) then peoples opinions will not matter. xx our kids will be loved the same way xx


----------



## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

For our first baby, my mother was horrified to learn about my pregnancy plus I only came out to her when I was pregnant, before that she accepted that my partner and I shared a house as friends for financial reasons.  She became properly depressed and cried all the time, yet at the same time was supportive with practical issues.  Once our son was born she adored him and was very keen that we had another, which we did.  My father, my parents are divorced, was from the very first second of being told about the pregnancy and my being gay incredibley supportive and happy.  My partners parents are dead so I don't know how they would have reacted and most of our siblings are involved and loving Aunties and Uncles.  Good luck


----------



## surething (Oct 5, 2012)

Hi Annica 

We are only at the start of the process but my partner and I haven't told our parents or anyone else for that matter. Our feeling at the moment is that we wanted to keep it to ourselves until we have good news to share. We were thinking we wanted to pass the first 3months period first.

We don't anticipate anyone in our families having a problem with it and fully expect everyone to welcome the baby with open arms when s/he arrives next year. My sister has a 6 month old so everyone is prepared and the kids will be closish in age.

I think our feeling so far is that telling people may just put a little more pressure on where as at the moment we are just  going with the flow for appointments etc and following the process without lots of questions from anyone. I think this makes it easier to put it on the back boiler between appointment.

We have not set this approach in stone though, so we will just keep reviewing it and tell people as and when we feel we want to :0)


----------

