# secure attachment and when to start leaving children with others



## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi all.
There has been lots of discussion/comments recently re when children become securely attach to their new parent(s). I know there can never be a "normal" in such things (as obviously children are placed at different ages and have different life histories) but was wondering about other peoples experience of how long before this happened and what changed.
C was placed at 10months old and has been home with me for just over 5 monthes. He seems really settled, is anxious of strangers and new places and when hurt or in need of comfort only wants me. As yet I have only left him once when I went to a close friends leaving do at work for a couple of hours. My parents are keen to get some more babysitting in and it would be nice to have the occasional evening out - I would value peoples opinion on whether he sounds ready as I don't want to upset this growing bond. (Also I feel this may be a good first step in preparing him for when I have to return to work in a few months time.
Thanks, Kiz  x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Our son was placed at the same age and seemed to have a similarly good bond. We had our first night out around 5/6mths after placement as at this point he's finally stay asleep till at least midnight and we knew it was unlikely he'd be awake. We used a friend of ours that he knew really well and there we no problems. 
If he doesn't see them a lot I'd increase the time they spend with him in the day first so he'll be comfortable if they need to comfort him in the night. I think one of the ways the grandparents bonded for us (though they came from a good distance away) was to take LO to the park/ for a walk without us just for 10-30mins and built up.
As you said, each child is different and tbh you can but try!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Kizzi,

I think this is an interesting one and look forward to all the views.

I recall Holly Van gulden saying that there was an obvious difference in children once they'd been home longer than their longest placement ie if your LO was in FC from birth then when he's been home 10 months they seem to know and several attendees agreed this.

I didn't leave my lil guy until around the 9 month mark and it was only the 10 mins here building up to an hour and a half (his granny). He's been ok with this but we kept it at his home etc and on a tight routine. But I would say he's been on his own with daddy from around 3.5 months being home (one morning a week).

I think in your case you need to know your support network can help out so an odd hour or so when your nearby (or can pop back) would be good and take it from there. There's a balancing act between keep building the attachment and being practical as being on your own emergencies will crop up. If your lil guy is a good sleeper and your parents have been there when he woke from nap one time then that would be a good way to get out without them having to do too much nurturing.

HTH


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