# Down in the dumps



## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

I don't really know where to start today, or if I'm even posting in the right place.  I'm fairly new to all this forum business and I still haven't worked out how to add all of the pretty pictures and information that everyone else puts on theirs!

I'm 35 years old and have a gorgeous 4 year old little boy.  Have been ttc #2 for 12 months now, following an emergency op for a large chocolate cyst last year.  Prior to that I had no idea I had endo, but following an HSG in Nov it turns out one of my tubes is blocked.  I have a Cons appmnt on 9th Feb and have no idea what he will say and am dreading him saying just carry on as you are.

I know I should be grateful for the little boy I have and I love him more than life itself, but I so desperately want to complete my family and my little one is desperate for a baby brother or sister.  I hate myself for not being able to give him want he so badly wants.

I have tried absolutely everything to improve my chances (losing weight, giving up alcohol, cutting out caffeine, taking multivitamins and other supplements, B6, zinc, magnesium, agnus castus) but nothing seems to work.  I'm convinced that it's never going to happen.  That its just not meant to be.  Everything seems so flipping pointless and AF arrived again this Monday.  

My best friend fell pregnant after trying for as long as me, just before Christmas, and she still needs me to support her as she is finding early pregnancy hard.  My sister in law is pregnant (22 weeks) after losing a baby in 2005 in the most tragic circumstances.  I'm genuinely thrilled and relieved for both of them as I love them both dearly.  But it is agony hearing about their scans, and getting the in depth detail of their pregnancies.  It just hurts so much feeling like they are both able to get on with their lives and here's me still stuck at the start line with no hope of ever catching them up.  I'm just so fed up and downhearted.  I can't get used to the idea that this is it for us, but think that I should try to prepare myself.

I have no idea what the Cons will say and very little hope as my GPs and the NHS have done nothing but let me down over the last 18 months.  Is this nightmare ever going to end?

Thanks for listening to my moans.  Sorry to be so negative.


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Pand
I am sorry it has taken me a while to reply but not been on here properly for a while and I am sorry no one else has replied which is very unsual although I went on the secondary daily listing yesterday briefly to apologise for my absence and no one had been on there since the day you posted this so think everyone is probably feeling a bit down.  I know I have been and am glad to see the back of Jan but then had my tooth out on Friday morning but at least I had some physical pain to concentrate and cry about instead of this continual ache to have another.  I am in exactly the same position as you (as are many of the other girls) look at some of the older postings (including the 2ndry daily one) and you will see.  I like you (and many others) worship the ground my 4 going on 5 in a few weeks walks on but so want another as does he and have been through many of the things you have in my journey to reach my goal.
It must be equally as hard for you having friends get pg who have had problems when they are still seeking support as it is for the rest of us who seem to have very fertile friends as you actually need lots of support too.  Someone posted on here yesterday that what we are going through (this was for egg donor) but I think it applies to all of us we are grieving for the thing we most want that seems unreachable for what ever reason and that is a long painful process.  I have been so down in the dumps, lower than I have ever been and all the while I feel like everyone (other than FF) has left me, even new friends I felt I have made seem to have let me down and I feel I have battled it myself and yet sometimes I think this makes us stronger.
As I sat on my sofa shivering hugging my pillow in agony from my tooth with no one around and no one to phone other than good old mum and anyway I could not really speak!!!! (although I did in the end and as soon as pain killers kicked in I was ok) but I thought the only way is up and we must try and focus on the good things although its hard.
Please try and keep your chin up and keep posting on here and looking on here at all the different messages and I and the others are here for you and we are all going through the same stuff day in day out and some are good and some are bad but we must support each other and not give up hope that we will achieve our dream in some way one day.
please pm me if you want and I am sending you lots of love and hugs and hope you feel better now.
take care
susie


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Hi Pand,  as Suszy say's, sorry for the delay in replying.  Please don't feel alone in the way that you are feeling now, we all understand.  Secondary IF is so difficult, as it comes with feelings of guilt aswell from "why shouldn't I be happy with the child I've got?" to " I wish I could give them a brother or sister?".

The good thing is that not every day will be as hard as the one's you are going through now, it's always there, but some days you can manage to get through without feeling sad or angry, it's on your mind, but you get through.

Please join us on the daily chat thread as you will be very welcome,

PM me if you want to chat or ask anything


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