# BFNs are so lonely



## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

I´ve just had my BFN confirmed today although I´ve known for a few days it was coming. DH and I have spent the evening arguing because we deal with things differently and I just can´t make him understand how I feel   . I just need to let it out here, I don´t need a response or anything, I just need to tell somebody who won´t judge me how it feels and have them understand even some of it. I hope thats OK?

The 1st BFN hurts like crazy because you just don´t know how its going to feel and its such a shock to have your dreams stolen. But you pick yourself up again and find the hope inside your heart that it will work next time and suddenly you find yourself trying again and at least the 2nd time you know what to expect and you have the wonderful hope alive again. By the 7th time though all hope has gone    If it hasn´t worked by now its probably never going to work. I feel in a permanent state of grief for something I haven´t ever had. How is it even possible to grieve for something that was never even real?

I feel such a failure, I´m even to ashamed to confess on my old buddy thread that I have failed again. I know from the outside I just look like a desperate failure, actually thats how it feels from the inside too, and I just can´t bring myself to let them down yet again and have them know what a loser I am just as they all give birth to their babies. I question my worth at everything now. I´m pretty rubbish at my job, especially when I let tx interfere. I´m a pretty rubbish wife as my husband spends most of his time worrying about me and is probably desperately unhappy with me. I´m an awful friend because I find listening to baby stories too heart wrenching. I´m even pretty rubbish at looking after my dog since he is too preceptive and I can´t pretend to him that I´m happy, he always knows and that makes him sad too  . I feel like tx is such a burden on me and that I am such a burden on those that care about me.

I´m so terribly lonely and there is no way out of it. Our circle of friends shrinks by the month as they all have more babies and have no time for the freaky couple how are childless. There is no chance of ever making new friends as so early on in any conversation women always ask if you have kids, and as soon as you say ´no´there is no more conversation. Its like being an outcast and its never going to change, DH and I will grow old and lonely. 

I am a freak and a failure and I think its written on my forehead. I´m so painfully shy, much more so than before tx, and I know its because of tx. I feel like everybody who knows me is looking at me and smirking at the fact they are so glad not to be me. The saddest thing is, I´ve spent much of the last 6 years wishing I wasn´t me either   

Thank you for listening to the very long ramblings of a lonely old lady and I hope with all my heart that none of you hurt as much as I do right now. I know time is a great healer and all that, but for now I can do nothing but wallow and lick my very deep wounds while I fear my future.
Katxxx


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## shell1362 (Nov 13, 2010)

Kat!,

I have just stumbled accross your post. I have recently had my 5th BFN, and totally understand how you are feeling. I feel dead and numb inside, and as you said it is strange, as its for something you have never had!

I really do not know what to say to you, as I know no words could make me feel any better. But just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in what you are  feeling. Don't be so hard on yourself, tx is tough, try to find someone you can talk to about it. DH and I are looking into councelling to try to help us a little. 

Just want to send you  big ... pmme if you want to chat at alL!


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Kat I just read your post and could not reply, you brought tears to my eyes 

As you can see from my tricker below I have also had 7 IVF.
I felt very much like yourself when I costantly had bfn and on tenderhooks when I got my bfp.
I m/c both my bfp and never enjoyed being preganant as I knew the poassability of loosing them.(which I did)
I always felt alone and the people I knew who had gone through IVF had all got their bfp in the end, so those friendships end as they dont understand what it is like. They say they do, but they dont, they have their babies.

When I had my last m/c I said to myself I am going to try again and I am going to keep trying untill I get my baby.
But I knew deep down I could'nt keep on going as the funds were not there any more,but after pursueding my dh to try one more time, I went ahead, but this cycle was so much worse as none of the 4 eggs I had fertilised, we were gutted, this never happened before.
After a few days of crying and soul searching, I told my husband at 3.00am one morning "wake up I need to talk to you and i need you to listen as i dont want to change my mind", and i told him, no more treatment i cant take it any more.
And from that day I began to feel I lot better in myself and stoped punishing myself, this is not my fault, it is no ones fault.
It's natuer and yes it is bloody cruel.

We have now decided to adopted, I know this is not for everyone, but I just wanted you to hear my story on  how we managed to move forward. Our life is now a lot easier and calmer.
Adoption is not easy and is intrusive, but we are now looking forward to having a family rather than trying to get preganant. 

I hope you dont see this as me trying to tell you what to do next, It is just my story on how I moved forward and how much better i feel in myself now I have made that decision.
And let me tell you one thing, you are not rubbish at anything, you are lady that is hurting and you need to deal with that first before you deal with your hubby and making any decisions you do next.
There is councilling out there for people going through ivf, maybe you could both give that a try.

I wish you all the best for the future and if you do ivf again I wish you a bfp.
And please stop beating yourself up, pm me if you need to talk.
Take care
Skyblu.xx


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## TB2306 (Apr 11, 2010)

Kat,

I too read your post and couldn't read and run!

There are many of us out there who in some way feel the same pain as you - trust me MANY MANY of us!

Life sometimes feels very unfair and infertility is very unfair, because unlike many of life's other problems (bad friends, bad marriage, bad job, too fat etc etc) which we can actually have some control over, a health issue is something we just unfortunately can't do anything about and that makes us feel even more frustrated, when we can't control things!

I too have just had a failed cycle, I have never even got to the egg trainsfer stage - ever... This week alone 4 friends have announced a pregnancy  It feels like I am the only one without a child, in fact I am! It does make it hard some days, especially when all they talk about is the kids! There are one or two who I have actually stopped talking too because I feel they are insensitive and I don't want them as friends! I am also struggling with my mother of all people right now, as even she can't understand and says crap things like: "you need to count your blessings" blah blah blah.

So don't feel a failure, there are many others just like you and we are not failures!

Think if it was a good friend of yours going through it, what would you say to them? Well give yourself the same advice!

For me I need a plan, that always makes me feel better.... I have decided no more IVF for me, it is not good for me physically or emotionally and quite frankly a waste of money! If I can't get to ET after 3 goes I never will... I am going for a follow up ate the ARGC this week and have booked in to Zita West for a counselling session with me and DH. I am thinking about donor eggs via serum in Athens, but it is a big step, so we have decided to go to counselling, go to Athens for a weekend break and talk to them face to face and then make up our minds. It is good to have a plan, allthoughbeit a realistic one.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I agree with skyblu in that counselling may be a first step, as you seem very low. Maybe on your own first and then with DH.

Whatever you do, don't feel alone, a failure and don't let infertility win!!!

Tracy xx


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## muffin1302 (May 9, 2008)

Nordickat its not your fault and no-one thinks you are a failure, least of all any of your cycle buddies. 
They are all here for you, you have been so loyal and strong to everyone despite everything you've been through. They all love you and want to see you get that long awaited BFP.

I've had to leave the cycle buddies for a while, especially while the babies are starting to appear but I've been lurking a bit and following your treatment. I really wish it had been your turn this time,  life is so unfair xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. Firstly, I just have to say that I am not belittling the pain 1 or 2 BFNs. I know they hurt just as much so I hope I didn't offend anybody  . 

skyblu - we have been through the adoption process and I think its a lot harder than tx so I wish you all the luck and bravery in the world. We were approved but then my depression got to a very distructive stage so I had to seek help, that then had to be reported and now to adopt we have to go through the whole process again. I just don't think I can do it. Our system is different and we have about 10 hours of interviews and I would have to talk about my mental health and prove I have dealt with our mc (which I haven't), and I don't think I can run the risk of them then saying I am unfit mentally as well as physically to be a mum. I just can't do that to myself.

Tracy - Good luck with counselling and I hope that donor eggs is a route you can take. Its illegal here but I would have done donor embryos if I could. The need for me to nurture and love is way greater than the need to share both of our rubbish genes.

Shell - definitely take the counselling offer. Mine as been a lifeline at some points over the last year.

I do have counselling, I am going tomorrow in fact but I'm not always very good at it. Sometimes I'm too ashamed to tell her how I feel and I am dreading having to confess to another BFN. I even considered just pretending tx worked so I don't have to talk about how much it hurts - stupid idea I know and I will tell the truth. DH is away for a few days and I'm taking the time to decide what is best for us both. I'm not good for him I know that but I'm not sure what to do about it yet. I've been so brave since our BFN but now he is out of the door my whole world just seems to have fallen apart - thank goodness for 'working from home'!

Muffin   sadly it is my fault and I really am a failure in so many areas, but thank you for being so kind. I know the next few weeks are going to be extra tough for you. My due date was just awful but after the awful sorrow, I did manage to deal with my grief a little better and I hope its the same for you. What was your date? It must have been earlier than the others? I'll be thinking of you and hoping you get through the next few weeks with as little heartache as is possible   

I'm so sorry you all know what it feels like. It makes me less lonely but at the same time sad that you all hurt too.
I always bounce back and this time will be no different I'm sure.
Katxxx


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## Phatty (Jan 31, 2011)

I would give you a real hug if I could but this is all I have    

I hope with time you relearn to love yourself, I'm sure you're an amazing special person. You just need to STOP being so hard on yourself.

We've just had our 4th bfn so undertand some of what you're feeling. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. You are such a strong woman, I cannot imagine doing a 4th icsi even!

Infertility is noone's fault, it's just in God's plan for some of us for whatever reason. My dh has v v low count and abnormal sperm but I've never blamed him and I hope you're both supportive of each other because you really need each other now. 

You're grieving for a reason, for that innate yearning that most(if not all)women have to become a mother. I hope and pray your dreams are realised in the best way for you and your family


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## muffin1302 (May 9, 2008)

Kat my due date is on Sunday. I started AF again today so I'm feeling pretty low at the min x   

I dont believe you are a failure, and you're not going to convince me that you are. You are an amazing caring person and I wish the adoption people could see beyond your depression.

I cant even bring myself to reply to the other cycle buddies and congratulate them on their BFP's and new arrivals. 
Its not that I'm not happy for them, it just reminds me of what could have been and it hurts too much. 
You have been there the whole time for all of them, I just wish there was something I could do or say to make everything ok for you x.   

You've obviously thought of everything, but would having donor treatment abroad not be an option?


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks phatty - I'm sorry you are in this forum too   

Muffin  I imagine you were desperately hoping to be pg by the time your due came around   I don't know if it would really make sunday any easier for you or not, but it was important to me to be pg by 7th July last year. Sadly I wasn't of course and I think thats why I found my June BFN so tough, it was my last chance. I hope Sunday is OK for you though and I hope you find some time to be together quietly and shed a tear over the loss of your little one and all that should have been  Are you going to carry on au naturell or are you planning to try IVF? Sorry if thats too nosey and feel free to ignore it. Maybe you need to get through the next few weeks before you can think about that.

Don't be under any illusion that posting congratulations on our thread doesn't break my heart, it does every time. Strangely though, the arrival of Pandas twins didn't hurt in the same way. I think actually having a baby is so far from reality for me that I can't really even imagine it anymore so it hurts less than pregnancy news. You and I have both been pregnant, we know how it feels and even more, we know how it feels for it to be over too soon, so I think BFPs hurt me in a different way to baby news. 

My biggest regret at the moment is that we decided to try again here and got a 3 pack so have another 2 pointless tries ahead of us - I have to do them to avoid regret. I wish that we had gone abroad for embryo donation instead but at the time I thought I didn't have the strength for it but now I'm sat here hurting, I don't think it would have been any harder to go abroad. My plan is to get the next 2 attempts over with and then persuade DH to go abroad just for one try. He isn't keen because that will take us into 2012 and attempt #10 and I promised we would stop after 9 goes and it would be 2011. 10 tries is my limit though so it'll just be one donor embryo try and then thats it, find anther way to live. My counsellor thinks the adoption panel will see beyond my depression but I can't run the risk - what if they say I would be a [email protected] mother anyway and then I have to live with that for the rest of my lonely life and I don't think I can run that risk  . Even if I was approved here, our papers then go abroad and they are never going to put us on the top of the list when there are other more suitable people who want to adopt. I would rather know its never going to happen than live in hope that one year they might choose us. 

Sorry, that was very long again  .

I'll be thinking of you this week Muffin and hoping that the weekend maybe brings some closure for you. Be brave


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## muffin1302 (May 9, 2008)

Phatty, Tracey, Skyblu and Shell   I'm so sorry for your BFN's xxx   

Kat I dont think you are being nosey at all   We've not really got any plans to have any treatment. Doctor thinks as we got pregnant naturally it should happen again. But I really thought I'd be pregnant by now    To be honest, its took me 7 months to start feeling a bit less depressed.
I'm starting acupuncture next week as I think that had alot to do with my BFP last year and I've been having reflexology for 6 weeks. I love it - it really relaxes me   
The lady I see for reflexology says my spinal area and pelvic area is really 'tight' and this isnt good as it needs to supply the reproductive area with the blood supply. Its apparantly quite common after miscarriage, she thinks its the body's way of stopping you get pregnant again so you dont get hurt again? I dont know how true it is but after 6 treatments its finally 'loosening up' and it doesnt hurt as much when she does that bit.

Have you decided when you are going to try again? To be honest Kat, I dont think any treatment will work if you are feeling so low so we need to sort you out   You need to be less hard on yourself. You really havent done anything to deserve all this bad luck.   I dont really understand why you are blaming yourself. I wouldnt wish all this pain on my worst enemy. 

I have a book I will post to you if you PM your address. It isnt a  fertility book as such, its more of a 'life coaching book' designed to  help you think positivley called 'fertile thinking'. I think its really  helped me. The lady who wrote it was given something like 1 in 125000  chance of her IVF working because her husband had no sperm (and she  turned out to be a poor responder) Anyway they decided to go for it with  his sperm. They made loads of lifestyle changes and when he had his op  they found some sperm and she ended up having 2 babies through IVF - and  a natural pregnancy!!!   (although she miscarried that one) 
I was told by someone that positivity attracts positive things, and vice versa. Its really true. I made a huge effort to be posiitive and people reacted differently to me. I also felt really good for it x Its not really working at the min as I'm a misreable cow because manhattans due date is on Sunday and I'm feeling sorry for myself   

  I take it you know all about what foods are good for you and DH? Do you take supplements? What you eat etc can make a really big difference. We were first referred for ICSI as DH had a lot of abnormal swimmers but he wasnt happy with that result and made some changes to what he was eating and other lifestyle changes and the next test was normal (I also got pregnant 2 months later!) I know certain medical conditions cant be cured by food alone but its all about making the most of what you have. I've spent the last 7 months reading books and searching the internet for answers so if you need any advice about good foods to boost sperm etc then I would be happy to help. You probably already know most of it though.  

  Maybe you should try reflexology or something similar to help with your stress levels? I can highly recommend it   
Or maybe you could try Yoga? This will help with both your blood flow and your state of mind. In fact any exercise will help with blood flow and release endorphins that will help you beat this depression.

I find keeping a journal really good for helping with my depression. I've told DH not to read it and if he does its his own fault. I can write what I like in there and quite often have a rant. Sometimes I think really bad stuff and I dont want to hurt DH or my friends by saying what I really think so it helps get it off my chest without falling out with anyone!! You just have to keep it hidden!!   

I've bought a hypnotherapy CD and listen to that everyday which even though I fall asleep when I listen to it, it really relaxes me. I find I feel stressed when I havent listened to it for a while.

One last thing that has helped me alot is that a lady at work bought me some books in to read. Not fertility books, just silly novels but its such a relief to 'loose yourself' in something non fertility related. I've honestly not read a book since I was 12!! 
I ended up getting myself so much into these books so much that I couldnt put them down and I was able to forget about our fertility situation for a while. It would be great if you could find yourself some form of escapism too. Its so easy to become obsessed with ttc and forget what its like to be normal. 

I know you may have already thought of alot of these things but I hope some of what I have said has been helpful to you. You've probably already tried some of these things but I really think you need to be kind to yourself xxx   

I think that if you really make an effort with what you and DH eat etc, and you try and take time to relax if it did all fail next time you will know that you tried your best x
You would never make a crap mother. A crap mother is someone who doesnt care about her kids and you have wanted a baby for so long that any child lucky enough to get you as a mum will be spoilt rotten xxx   I really hope it all works out for you so I can prove it to you xxx


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## scolli (Jul 7, 2008)

Nordickat


I have just read your first post - I could have written it myself so much of it reads how I feel! I have just had my 8th BFN and feeling so desperate as I feel I have reached the end of my journey but don't want to admit it


I know exactly how you feel about friends & other women - I started losing all my friends when they all started families as we had nothing in common and they couldn't deal with our situation and like you say new people don't seem to want to know you once they find out you don't have your own children as they have no other conversation


Please try and be positive about the cycles you still have left - sometimes life takes us by surprise and your time may still come - I so hope that in the weeks to come you will rediscover the strength that has got you this far and that in years to come will look back at this time with no regrets


Scolli x


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## EmmaLily (Sep 8, 2009)

Nordickat - I just wanted to say u are so not alone hun. I read ur first post and it brought tears   to my eyes.  I feel the same as u most of the time hun, life is so cruel!  U could have taken the words out of my mouth!!!! 

I have had a break after my last tx as I dont feel strong enough for another go...I was thinking about giving up but tbh I dont think I will ever be happy unless I get pg.  It is just such a horrible situation to be in. I often wonder what i have done to deserve this.  The only thing that keeps me going is thinking that if tx ever works it will make a better and stronger person and I really believe a better mother.  

I dont have many friends anymore as I completely aviod them as they all have their families now and I just feel like the cling on....."the special aunt" nothing more!!!!

If u ever need to talk u can always PM me.

massive   

xxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Morning all   

Scolli -   I'm so sorry you are on this horrid journey too. I saw your post on the jellybean thread. Life sucks sometimes! I hope you take some time to recover from this BFN poperly before you decide what to do next. I think that deep down I know I'm never goign to be a mummy but I'm not brave enough to admit it out loud yet because I just can't imagine what comes next. For all the time I am doing tx, it is at least a plan, even if its a plan that is just avoiding the inevitable. Does that make sense? I hope I don't sound ungrateful about the cycles I have left, I'm not, and I know I'm lucky to even be in a position to try. I'm just scared rather than ungrateful. I really hope its not the end of your journey and find a way forward with those frosties.

EmmaLily - I took a break after my first 3 BFNs. Well we decided to stop completely and I know we filled a lot of that time with adoption stuff, but it was still a break from tx and after a couple of years I realised that actually I was ready to start tx again. We had an appt thinking it would be a few months before we started  and she said we could start on my next cycle which was just 2 weeks away  No time for thinking about it at all, it hadn't been a part of our lives for 2 years and all of a sudden we were off again. And that was the only cycle we have ever had a BFP on. I really think the break was what did it for us and I hope its the same for you too. Take the time you need to get your mind ready and don't rush yourself.

Its awful having to go through all this but the fact that we all end up doing it without friends to support us makes it even harder. I'm so frightened of the future with no friends and no family. What can we fill that big hole in our lives with, nothing seems to fit the gap does iit?

Muffin - blimey, I thought I was the master of monster posts   . My body is a temple during tx and DH rattles when he walks but thank you for all your tips. Something you said did shake me into action though and I was thinking maybe I should focus on it differently. I know I'll never get a BFP while my depression is so bad but at the same time I don't have time on my side to wait to 'cure' it. Its been with my for 15 years and its not going to go away any time soon. But, maybe I should think depression diet rather than tx diet as maybe the 2 will go hand in hand. I eat all the foods that are supposed to help boost seratonin levels but maybe I should think low GI too to help. I take 5HTP (precursor to seratonin and melatonin) already and I did feel better for a while but that might be becuase I was doing tx and I always feel better when I am actually having treatment, doing somehting positive and all that. I also read an interesting paper on melatonin and egg quality and I'm going to give it a try although it means talking to my Dr who is very anti IVF and pro antidepressants and sick leave for me so we always fight over it.  I have also noticed how lots of the ladies that have lots of failed cycles seem to have vitD deficiency and I saw there were reports in the UK about the number of people in general with a deficiency so I added that this year for us both.

And as for reading. I am a complete bookworm and it has helped me so much in the last few months. I can't read during the really bad times but it is a refuge for me and some FF ladies are trying to start a book club which I would love. I also ordered 'fertile thinking' last night too. Thanks for the offer of yours but it would cost a firtune to post and I wouldn't want  you to be without it if you needed a gentle reminder while I was reading it. If you want to read something easy and funny, Geraniums suggested Janet Evanovich to me and she is great. Laugh out loud embarrassingly on the bus kind of funny and so easy and quick to read   

I was walking the dog this morning (extra long because I know you are right and exercise is crucial) daydreaming about your post and saw a huge moose, they and the deer have had such a hard time so far this winter because the snow came so early and I'm going to make it my project to feed them this season. I find a lot of peace in watching them in the garden so thanks for nudging me in the right direction. Sometimes we all need somebody to point out the obvious.

I know a lot of you know how it feels to get stuck at the bottom of the very deep black hole. The sides are just so steep and I just can't get the leg up I need. Its claustrophobic and lonely and I wouldn't dare tell anyone in the real world how it really is but I have a psych appt on friday and I'm going to really try and be honest with her. I like the idea of reflexology and acupuncture but I don't think I can do it now. I can't go and talk to new people. I can manage shrink, Dr and clinic just about but I don't think I could go and see somebody I don't know. I'm working from home this week becsue the thought of going to work  and seeing people fill me with dread and makes me feel sick  .

I'm thinking of you all during these tough times and I hope we can help each other start to get out of the black hole.
 Katxxx


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## muffin1302 (May 9, 2008)

Kat hope you are feeling a little better and I really hope that book helps you. Its only a tiny book and will take no time to read but its got some good tips and little projects for you to do. Make sure you do them as they will help you put things into perspective xxx
This is the hypnotherapy cd I bought. Its helps me alot and I listen to it everyday http://shop.babyworld.co.uk/DisplayDetail.aspx?prodid=570 
I had the zita west cd but this one is better for me as its not just aimed at treatment. You can listen to it everyday before and during your treatment. It available on amazon and ebay too.  
Thanks for the suggestion of the books. I will look out for them. I never had myself down as a bookworm to be honest  but its such a relief to escape real life for a bit!!


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## SR3 (Sep 18, 2008)

Hi Nordickat,

I've just read your first post after having my 2nd BFN.  It could've been me writing out my feelings..... I am exactly the same.

I have lost contact with so many friends over the years as I just don't get included in 'Mummy' kind of conversations and activities.  To be honest I've also withdrawn from them as I can't bear it any longer...... none of them can ever understand what its like to go through all of this.. its so bloody cruel.

We have also been through the adoption process.. in fact we did this first as we couldn't afford treatment at the time and my DP was adopted so it made sense.  16 months down the line and 6 months of very intrusive 3 hour weekly home study sessions we were ready to go to panel only to be told by the social worker that they felt that my DP needed councilling to come to terms with his own adoption.. absolutely ridiculous.. he was adopted at 3 months old which certainly doesn't happen these days and never knew his birth family.  Anyone out there considering adoption please don't go in to it thinking its an easy option.. believe me its not !!!


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

SR3 - I´m so sorry the adoption route didn´y work out for you    Its so frustrating that whether you get to be a parent is determined by somebody elses opinion. And your case seems to be crazy. Surely your DH is the perfect adoptive daddy due to his understand of it    Good luck with this tx though.


Muffin    hope you are OK


Things have got hard in Kat World. The cumulative effect of [email protected] happening, you know how it is I´m sure. I always liken it to walking a tight rope, it takes all your effort to stay upright and one false move and its game over.


Lots of love to those that are hurting today, 
Katxxx


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