# Decision time ?



## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Hi all.
I am quite new to this site but I feel very much that this is very much the right place with my dilemma. 

I am at the moment particularly looking for some people to chat to about when the offer for IVF comes to late down the road.
Here is a brief history on me, had an interesting time over the last 7 years. I am 36 now and my husband 46. Unable to conceive for over 2 years at the start of this trip. Then found a lump in my lower abdomen which I had looked at in Germany, where I am originally from, and turned out to have a rather large fibroid, which I was advised to have removed immedialtely to avoid a hysterectomy. Hospital here in Scotland refused to operate  - too dangerous so they said - so went back home and had 7 fibroids removed through a laparoscopy. 
Was then told there was no reason not to get pregnant, now that my uterus was all tidied up. Another 3 years down the road still no luck. Finally get a foot in the door in the hospital in Edinburgh and just at the start of the privately funded IVF, they advised that the ovarian cyst they had come across 12 month earlier at a check up I foreced out of them, was now an impressive 8cm and needed to be removed before treatment could be continued. Also suspicion of endometrioses voiced at this stage - I have for years suffered from very severe period pain. After the first operation I had, I was very nervous. The hospital here advised that they have not much experience with these kind of operations and as I did not want to be 'butchered' I returned back to Germany and paid for an OP in a specialist hospital. Keyhole surgery removed another 6 fibroids and the cyst, however confirmed that the cyst was left for too long untreated, had damaged the fallopian tube which is now out of action.  
All this was quite an emotional journey as all of you surely know. I have finally managed dragged myself out of the deepest pit though and have started over the last 9 month to gain ground again, makeing sense of a life without little versions of myself and my husband, being rather happy all around.
Suddenly a letter comes through the door that we are now on the top of the waiting list for NHS funded IVF - we did not even know we were on that list. Now confusion reigns as I have the feeling I have gone too far and I am not sure anymore if I want to force the issue with IVF, where nature clearly tells me it is not supposed to be. I have worked so hard to get to this place and now I feel entirely unable to make a decision if to proceed with IVF. However I am worried that I might regret in a few years time not having tried all I could?
I would love to hear from other people who have the feeling they have possibly come to terms with their situation and then were thrown into turmoil again. How do you come to a decision?

Vonnie


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

You've been through an awful, horrible time, and I can't imagine how you've felt, and my situation is different to yours, but there are similarities.  Long story short: we're unexplained, had clomid, surgery to remove ovarian cycst, an IUI and 2 IVFs, and we also started filing in questionnaires for an IVF trial, which would be free to the participants, and also promised to use new techniqes and have a higher success rate. 

While we were going through the pain of the 2nd failed IVF, we continued to fill out these questions and continued to get through to each further stage of eliminations for the trial.  Then we started having tests and such for the trail, and we got through all those stages too. Basically, we were just what they wanted for the trail, and it got to the stage where they wanted us to have the tx. We'd been blindly going down this road, without thinking, really, but at that stage, we both started to feel like we just couldn't do it again. IVF is a long process, and I felt that emotioanlly and physically, I just couldn't go throught it again.

I had to think about the fact that the trail was free (as opposed to £3,500 pre tx for the private IVF we'd had) - what if I told the trail people "no", then changed my mind!!!  Also, this trial was promising stupidly high success rates. What if I was turning down the best chance I'd ever have of a child? I ended up looking at it this way: Statistics are a clever way of putting accross whatever information you want. This trial was probably manipulating it's figures cleverly. In reality, I had no more chance of getting pregnant on this trail than I did in the other IVFs. Also, in our first IVF, we had a chemical pg. This made a LOT of sense to me (as well as half killing me because it meant that I did get a bit pg n my life, once, even if DH doesn't see it that way  ). I also get painful periods, but quite often, one will be a bit late, extra painful and extra heavy. What if I get quite a lot of natural chemical pgs?? In that case, I could do a million IVFs and still never have a baby. They don't/can't/won't/whatever test for that, but it's what I believe is happening to me. So, more IVF for me, free or not, would just be extra expense and heartache. I also thought about the "what if in the future, I wonder why the heck I didn't do that free fancy IVF trial??" but then I realised I could do it, have another 3 months of injections, hope, pain and ultimate disappointment and then think "why the hell did i do that fancy IVF trial!!" 

OMG I've gone on a lot more than I meant to there, but my point is this: you need to be comfortable with whatever decision you make about the IVF. Only you can make that decision, and only you know the thoughts and feelings that went into that deicision, once made, so nobody else has a right (especially people who haven't been through IF) to an opinion on what you should or shouldn't have done  

xxx


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Hi Emma, 
thanks so much for getting in touch. You are right, your story is different but still similar. There is the fear of the pain which is just like a big black cloud in my memory and do I want to go there again. On the other hand the thought of future regret for not doing it is just as scary. 
I had my first 'touching base' appointment today and they actually offered me to start immediately which I could answer with a clear NO. At least I am happy with that decision.
Maybe I need to just do it the old fashioned way and sit down on a beach and write a pro and a con list and see where this takes me.

What did you end up doing about your 'fancy' trial ? 

V


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I think the beach pros/cons list idea is great!  

In the end, we'd gone so far down the fancy trial route that I was scared to tell them we didn't want to do it in case they were cross with me!    So DH phoned them, and the woman he spoke to was brilliant.  She said she understood totally, and we were able to simply leave the trial.

As of now, I really glad we didn't go ahead with it.  Who knows how I'll feel in the future, but you can only make decisions based on the information you have at the time.


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Vonnie,
I have been in your shoes many times - what to do for the best? Carry on tx or let it go? Dh and I have reached a stage where we have decided no more tx - but came to that over 10 years in all of struggle. But our journey to that point was different to yours – everyone is different and each of us has a certain 'limit' when we say enough is enough. What I will say, and it is just my opinion, is that there is a time for trying and a time when you won't be able to try. I'm 41 now and I do not regret trying as hard as we did. The only thing I regret is not looking into adoption earlier. Sorry to put a cat among the pigeons, but that could be a very positive way forward for you. 
I think you are wise to stop and pause for breath. A pros and cons list is a good idea. Mull it over, stall them and take your time. 
Bernie xxx


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Thank you ladies. 
I have been reading a few more topics and i am blown away how much wisdom there is to be found on this site. Hat off to Maggie Mae - have you considered writing a book as there are so many good thoughts coming from you, all of them beautifully expressed. 

I am also starting to understand that maybe I can not fix my though on the 'what if I regret not trying in a few years'. I think feelings will come and go and the sadness never seems to leave entirely. For some reason silly old me thought that once you make a decision, this decision will keep your right for the forever after. Life possibly is not like that. 

This board so far has been fantastically helpful and I will be hanging around. Any more clever thoughts or comments are more then welcome. 

Happy Monday all...
V


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Vonnie, 

Thanks for your generous compliment, and I have indeed considered writing this stuff down on paper and whistling it off to publishers, if only to get interesting rejection letters! 

I have been mulling over your situation today, and lamenting yet again that we are a generation of women facing the most ridiculously difficult and previously unimagined dilemmas, for which there is no manual. I can only say that after three rounds of treatment and two recent miscarriages, I know that I possess 'islands of clarity' in the murky sea of being childless, and one of them is 'no more treatment'! But it is almost uneccesary to say that only you can know that - and right now that doesn't help, otherwise you wouldn't have posted! I do know that for me, ranting verbally, via the web or on paper gets me closer to my answers, so though I have no wisdom, I can offer you that simple, but hopefully useful suggestion. Grab a journal, or set aside some time, of find a place where you won't be disturbed, and go for it!

Know that you are in my thoughts.....

Love, 

MM xxx


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Dear all, 
sorry it has been a little while - I wanted to get some thought settled in my head after your replies (thanks for those !). 
I have in the meantime bought 'Childfree and loving it' and also 'Beyond Childlessness', good move. These two books are fab and are opening a lot of thought avenues. I do have the feeling that I am getting closer to a decision. I also had my nurse discussion in the hospital last week, which also helped. I have even managed to convince DH to be part of the decision making process and not leave it all to me. Support is good but I really have to know what he thinks. Interestingly he has admitted that he, at the tender age of 46, is starting to feel a bit ,old'. He is not feeling comfortable with the though of having to come up with a University fund when he is about to go into retirement.... 
My thoughts have certainly shifted now and I might be turning towards childfree rather then childless. Anyway, I feel much stonger now and confident that whatever decision I will make it will be able to live with it. I know also thanks to this site and the books that there might not always be plain sailing and the feeling of loss will occasionally raise its head, but if expected it can be coped with. 
Thanks again for everybodys input !!
LoL Vonnie


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi Vonnie,

I am so glad you are feeling better and hope when you do make your decision you will feel totally comfortable with it.
I have read Beyond Childlessness and I am currently reading Childfree And Loving It.I have found these books to really help especialy the latter which gives all the plus points of not having children and there certainly  are  some.Myself and DH are now quite comfortable with our decision not to have any more treatment or pursue any other avenues.We too have thought when we are 50 we dont really want to be heading toward the teenage years and all the problems that come with it when we should be starting to enjoy a stressfree life and lets face it , us ladies have certainly had our fair share of stress with treatment etc.
I really hope you make the decision that is right for you.enjoy time with each other.You will of course have those moments that still make you ache inside but hopefully they will pass quickly.

Take care

Love Toni xx


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## Vonnie3 (Aug 20, 2007)

Dear all,
I am not sure if any of you drop into this thread again. I do however have the feeling that I really wanted to update anybody who does look in.
A decision has been made and for this I have to thank this site, the people who have replied to me and also many of my friends - all have given wonderful and most importantly non judgemental suppot. The two books that have been given to me have also achieved a lot, mainly opening my mind to thoughts and possibilities which I would not have discovered otherwise.
The DH and I have now decided not to go for IVF but embrace at this stage a childfree live - and we will be loving it.
Looking back, there have been so many twists and turns. When I was 20 I wanted to have 4 children, live in the country and keep chickens. When I was 30 I wanted to have 2 children, a house with a small garden and a little break from a very stressful job. Today I have accepted and I will not have children and that is absolutely fine. There is so much to live and so much to look forward too. Mainly at the moment a luxury holiday in Thailand in November to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary...
I am sure that there will be times when the occasional sad thought creeps up and I will consider what if and how would they have been. But DH and I are happy with the decision we have come to and the relieve we feel outweights the paid we have been in for the past few years.
I will definitely keep popping in and see how everybody keep getting on. I have already referred a friend's friend to the site who is very low at the moment. I want to give support as the connection we all have on this site is special and the understanding received is priceless.
So until soon. Lots of love to you all.
A decided Vonnie.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Vonnie

I'm so glad to hear from you and to see that you have reached that place of peace within yourselves. Am very proud of you, and with you posting you have shown others out there that it is possible to be happy even if the path is different.

Enjoy your luxury holiday and anniversary sweetie, goodness knows you both deserve it.

I'm glad you'll be popping back in - you're always very welcome here you know   

Love to you and your lovely DH
Emcee xxx


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