# when will i be able to move on



## Miraclefinder (Jan 26, 2008)

havent been on ff for couple of years as found it too upsetting. had severe endo stage 4, several operations, had to have hysterectomy and bowel resection april 07, been very poorly over last 4 years and spent months on end in hospital with pain and bowel problems and endo really affected my bowel. had x4 attemts of ivf and found it very difficult to decide to have the hysterectomy. we have just commenced the adoption process and are currently doing the pre-approval training. i still find it very difficult to cope with, even though i now know that adoption is for us i still find it hard and have times were i will become very emotional, i feel very depressed and low at times, i have a very supportive husband but sometimes its even difficult to let my feelings out as i feel i am just going over old ground and not looking towards the future, i am being so negative about things and should be being positive as we have so much to look forward to. we have good family support, nice house and good jobs but i still cant get my head around not being able to have my own children. its most womens dream to become a mum and i just hope that through adoption this will happen. will these feelings go away or will i feel like this for ever as thats how its seems right now. ive tried not to talk to counsellors or start anti-depressants as i feel taking medication will only hide my feelings and not get rid of them, i feel i am neber going to get over what has happened to me as it has been a real struggle for me and my husband.


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## Joan (Oct 22, 2005)

Dear Miraclefinder,,

i'm so sorry to read of all your problems and terrible pain and discomfort that you have experienced. It must be extremely difficult. I am sure there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. it's just going to take more time. try to look forward at the light - finding your adopted child/ren and start imagining all the wonderful times you are going to have. You are the only person who can help yourself, by being positive and not letting yourself fall into repeated heaps of misery. it is truly the most difficult thing. but as you have all the support and comfort around you, you are in a good position. try to help yourself a bit. This board is fabulous for getting support and feeling that there are others experiencing similar misery and to know people are listening to you and sympathising. Keep looking, reading, talking. 
one of my best friends is adopted. He was adopted at a couple of months and tells a wonderful story of how special he feels that he was chosen by his adoptive parents, that he was meant to be with them and how dearly he loves them - adORES his mum - and how he has even met his birth mother, and she is like a friend. You will find your children and they will be yours. Sending a big hug to you. with love from Joan. xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello there Miracle-Finder,

I hope you will not think me crass to say you have already found some miracles and started to look towards the future? The most amazing is that after all you have been through you have found the strength to start on the adoption process.  Well done you!

It is not at all surprising that you have found it really hard to get this far. You seem to have done so without support from outside of your DH and family who are obviously really loving towards you but who also need some support with regard to the situation. I understand why you don't want anti-depressants. However going for counselling is not the same: a good counsellor will not 
expect you to hide your feelings, but will help you deal with them so you don't have to feel you are constantly going over old ground. Maybe it is time to give counselling a try?

Staying with us on this baord for a while will maybe help you to accept that your feelings are natural, but that in time it is possible to move on and build a better future. The adoption and fostering board will also help you to consider that particular path.

Stay with us now, dear friend! We are here for you.

Lots of love

Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Miraclefinder, and welcome to this space  

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do either, does that sadness of what we have each been through ever leave us totally? I don't think so. It doesn't mean that we don't find the courage to forge ahead - although you are contemplating adoption it doesn't mean that it will cancel out all of the heartache you have been through to get to this position. It means that your path to parenthood is taking a different route to the one you originally hoped, and I think most of us here understand how difficult it can be to come to the realisation that the one thing we all kind of take for granted as women is having kids - and when that chance is taken away from us how devastating on so many different levels it is.

You seem to have lots of different hurts and emotions here - your ill health, your hospital stays, IVF, hysterectomy and now adoption - which is a huge thing to go through in itself... bless you sweetheart, you really have been through the wringer. Your husband sounds like a darling, it must have been hard for him too, to see you in pain and so poorly. I'm glad you have each other.  

I'm sure the adoption process is stressful enough in itself without having all these other worries about what you have been through too... stick with us for a while hon, we are here to hold your hand along the way... if you feel up to it look in on the adoption and fostering board as well, there are some really lovely people there, some who used to post here too.

Sending you much love and letting you know we are here for you to chat to any time. I thank you for having the courage to share your story with us.

Much love and lots of  
Emcee xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Miraclefinder!

I just wanted to send you a big   .  You've been dealing with so much, and I really hope that expressing your feelings here helps you.  

Also I jsut wanted to echo what Jq said - seeing a counsellor has really helped me, and I would definitely recommend it as a way of exploring your feelings (and in my case I wanted to take some pressure off my lovely DH as he was my only means of support!).  I think the most helpful thing of all was exploring the idea that I don't have to be happy all the time - that I'm not a failure because I'm sad. I'ts a bit hard to explain written down, but it turned everything on it's head for me and made me realise that I didn't ahve to constantly bear up - it's perfectly normal to feel sad about the things I'm sad about, and won't make people like me any the less.

I can imagine that the process of adoption must be very stressful, and perhaps makes it harder to just 'move on' in that you are still revisiting the old sadnesses, and the process does take a long time ... but once you have your children placed with you you will finally be able to just get on with life and really look forward without constantly being reminded of what you can't have.  I don't know if that makes any sense?

Jx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi,
A counsellor trained in fertility issues might really help you to sort all of your feelings out so that you can approach adoption with a clear head and the strength that you need.
We have just started counselling and it is very therapeutic to have someone who really understands, listens and reads your feelings.
You have been through a severe physical trauma and bereavement and this takes time to work through all the stages properly. A counsellor will help you to put all your jumbled up feelings into a order and help you to understand them. I felt that I was so mixed up after all of the years that I could not think straight or see what was needed. She has identified many things to work on and ways of thinking that are very helpful.

About antidepressants - only a doctor can determine if you need them. They won't hide your feelings, but enable you to deal with them better. It is difficult to have the energy to do anything when we are depressed. Counselling may be enough to help you move forward, but if you really are clinically depressed then medication might help. A friend of mine who was going though a tough time took antidepressants and said that it gave him a window to sort himself out.

You need energy to get through the adoption process. I truly wish you success and happiness and happiness that you can bring to a child who would otherwise be mummy and daddy-less. As a first step write all of the good points of adoption down. I did this exercise recently and went from feeling it was not an option to finding lots of really good points. Feeling really positive about the whole thing will come across in your application.


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