# why does it have to be this hard?



## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Here I am again on the negative cycle board!
will I ever be promoted to the bfp board? Right now I'm struggling to believe it will ever happen.
This was my 3rd cycle , I didn't even get to the 2ww stage as my frozen embryo didn't survive the thaw. Some might say it was silly to have FET with only 1 embryo and I'd have to agree. We only had this cycle as it was Nhs funded ( our last Nhs funded cycle) for which I am eternally grateful for.
I have remained realistic throughout my tx but it still hurt like hell when it all came to an abrupt stop yesterday.

I'm loosing faith in it all. Consultants had originally said that we were likely to conceive within 3 attempts of treatments. Well , they were wrong.
Originally age was on our side , that was before my first icsi cycle highlighted that I possibly have a low ovarian reserve. So being young doesn't help us much now.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, as you can probably tell.  I want to be a strong, positive person but the endless disappointment is crushing me! 
To want what you can't have feels like torture. Sounds dramatic I know but that's just where I am right now.
I love this site and everyone on it. Without it I would probably not have coped with any of my tx's.  I can't stress how important it is to me to be able to voice my emotions and feelings on here.
I am just at a low point right now, I'm hoping in a week or so I'll perk up. I know my story is probably no different from 100's of others and I'm fully aware that people are in situations far far worse than mine so I almost feel guilty and petty for moaning like this but if I don't let it all out I will end up going crazy!
I would love to experience a bfp , but I've not even had a whiff! I'm scared my body just can't do it. I worry that my eggs and Dh's sperm just aren't compatible and perhaps that's why my embies don't stick ? 
I find my mind whirls with constant worries and questions. It's like my life revolves around treatments and all the time in between is just dead space. The need for a baby is so strong, wish I could turn it off! Now wouldn't that be nice , they should invent a drug that does that!

I wish this treatment would work for everyone! I truly do. 

Lolli


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## ally66 (Mar 20, 2011)

Hi lolli,

Really sorry to hear Sending you big hugs.    Theres no need to feel guilty about moaning. I think we all no on here how unfair life can be.

Have you had your AMH tested?  This will give you a clue as to whether you are likely to get any more eggs on your next cycle.

I've just had the results of mine which were very low, but at least take me out of the 'unexplained' category. It may not be good news, but at least will help you to decide on your next move. There are still loads of options and you mustn't lose hope.

Hope you get through the next few weeks, and find that optimism you've been missing. 

Ally xxxx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Ally - Thankyou for replying. I need to get my AMH tested , I'm pretty sure the result will be low but as you say it will be confirmed and therefore meaning my next tx can be better planned. Did you have yours done at your clinic and do you mind me asking how much it costs?

I'm sorry your result was low, its a hard battle isn't it. But we you say at least you now know what your fertility problem is. It must have been very hard bring in the unexplained category. 

Lolli


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## ally66 (Mar 20, 2011)

Hi lolli

I had my amh tested as the conclusion of my nhs treatment. I got 2 goes on the nhs and when each failed they gave us a consultation with the director of embryology to say how sorry they were etc. I fell apart a bit after the second treatment failed and just sobbed all through the consultation. When I asked for an amh test I think he was just relieved that he could do something and get us out of his office! Not my finest hour!!

I think I've read that they are about £250 if you have to pay. But I've trawled the Internet so much on this topic that I could be completely wrong. They don't have to do the test at a particular time of the month and the results are back in a couple of weeks. 

See how the results come back and if you decide to have another go maybe think about a different clinic. They should be offering suggestions not leaving you to suugest tests.

Ally xx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Ally ,

I dont blame you for crying during you consultation, I can't imagine having 2 tx's and both leading to no fertilization. However I can sympathise with the feeling you get when your treatment just comes to an abrupt end and its heartbreaking.  
Thankyou for sharing your knowledge on amh tests. I will be getting one done before my next cycle. 

What are you future plans? 

Love lolli


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## ally66 (Mar 20, 2011)

Hi lolli

thanks for your concern even through your own troubles! We've got an appointment in Spain in a couple of weeks to hopefully start treatment with donor eggs. Just have to give ourselves the best chance and being realistic after no hint if fertilisation after 2 tx it just doesn't look like my eggs are up to it   if i'd got a higher amh result I may have been tempted to give it another go at icsi in the uk with my own eggs but in a wierd way the results have actually made the decision of what to do next a lot easier and I'm hopeful that things will work out.

I really hope things work out for you lolli. I know each knockback seems worse than the one before. See what your consultant says and maybe get that second opinion. I saw a lovely quote on here ' it will all be alright in the end.... If it isn't alright it isn't the end'. 
I like the sentiment- makes me feel a bit more optimistic!

Ally xx


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## Katie789 (Dec 12, 2010)

Lollipops,

Ive just popped on as I noticed your sad news. We spoke before on the limbo thread. Am gutted for you. Although its not in action anymore, there really seems to be a run of bad luck for those of us who were on the limbo thread.  I hope it changes soon and we all get promoted to a beautiful bumps thread. 

Take care  

Katie xx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Hi Katie,

Thankyou hun.  How are you?   
its sad that so many of us didn't get the bfp's we wanted.  It's such a cruel blow.

I hope we get our turn soon.xxx


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## Katie789 (Dec 12, 2010)

Lollipops,

Our times will come...i like that little quote from Ally there, its very true!

We are starting again in a few weeks as our NHS offer came up a couple of months earlier than expected so this is our fourth and hopefully final fresh treatment. Bring it on!!!!!

Katie xx


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Yes Ally's quote is great! I even read it to my Dh (thanks Ally )

Your right our time will come. Let's hope its 4th time lucky for both of us! 

Good luck everybody else, hope its your turn too


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