# Hello everyone.



## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

Hello all,

I am a bit worried about posting on this board but MrsNikkiUk, said it will be OK.

Well here is my little story, i fell pg in Feb 2004, we were over the moon as we were due to get married in the April, it made it so special.   We got married and after the honeymoon i was due for my first scan.   I was so excited. We went into the scan room and their was our baby, wiggling around. then came the point which every women dreads, the lady said that she would have to refer us to the specialist has there was something wrong. My heart broke,   right from that moment i knew that my baby was dying inside of me and their was nothing i could do about it. It ended up with me having a CVS and that came back negative so i thought it was going to be OK. I went for three more scan, each time my baby had got bigger, then came the worst day of my life.   We went for the scan and i was in there for nearly 2 hours. The doctor was explaining everything, the baby had water on the brain, too many fingers and toes, narrowed chest, hard kidneys, the heart was in the wrong position, umbilical hernia, all the long bones were bowed and shortened and a lump on the side of his neck. We were told that my body was preparing to miscarry as the sac started to come away from my body. I went home and broke down.      I later decided that i did not want my baby to suffering so i did something that i will always regret and i had a termination at 17weeks.     I took some tablets on Thursday and then waited until Saturday morning when i was admitted to hospital and labour was induced. I decided that i did not want my painkillers as i felt i deserved the pain. I gave birth to a lovely little boy on the 5th of June 2004 at 7:03pm. Richard Michael.   Although he did look a bit strange he was the most beautiful thing to me and my DH. We held him and we had a little christening with the hopsital Chaplin then i had to let him go. It broke my heart having to let the midwife take him away but i could not hold him any longer otherwise i would have never let go.   Because of all that was wrong with him, he went up to London for a post mortum. They found out that he had one of two syndromes, Ellis Van Crevald or Saldino Noonans. We got him home in about four weeks and we buried him. Now we know that we have a one in four chance of this happening again.

I know this sound silly but i did not want to post on here because a lot of you did not have a choice in losing your babies. I carry so much guilt around with me everyday for taking those tablets. Deep down i know it was for the best but i was supposed to protect him and look after him, but instead i killed him. I am sorry it is sound very blunt. I am sorry to all those who have been in my potsion. But this is the way i feel. I don't mean to upset anyone. 

The thing that i get so upset about is the fact no one wants to acknowledge that i had a baby. I want to talk about him, when my friends are talking about birth experiences i want to join in at the end of the day i had a baby, i gave birth. People keep saying that i should move on.   But that is a lot easier said then done. I just want my baby back.  

Well that turned into a novel.

Jenny.


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi Jenny well done for writing all that.

You are a brave lady to admit having a termination - i know me and my hubby have been ttc for 2 and a half years but i understand ppl terminate a pregnancy for a reason.

My hubby and i had this conversation the other nite that if i finally get pregnant and was told the baby was severly disabled what would we do. I know that it would probably kill me but we would get rid of it - if ppl are reading this and think that would be a bad thing to do then thats their opinion but i know that me and my hubby could not bring up a disabled child for a lot of reasons.

If you ever want to talk about what happened then plz chat to me - i am a nurse in the NHS although not a fertiltiy nurse - just a run of the mill on a ward one! But i am a good listener and have heard it all i think!!

Take care

Kate xx


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## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you, i just could not face the fact that i wanted that baby so much but i could not have him suffering. I love him so much and that is why i did it. I wanted him so much, more than anything but i had to let him go. I would have been anything to have him here but not when i knew that he would not be able to eat or drink, walk and talk. everything that we take for granted. It sounds like i am trying to convince myself that i did the right thing. At the end of the day, i killed him and that i will never be able to forgive myself for.     

Jenny


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Jenny

We've posted (talked) before hun but I wanted to re-itterate what I've said before. 

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did not choose for your baby to have this horrible condition, and the choice you made was out of pure love for your child. No mother wants her child to suffer and I don't think anyone could disagree with the horror you went through in order to protect your baby from pain.

A lot of the ladies I talk to through ARC (www.arc-uk.org) have the same feelings of guilt - 'what ifs', 'was it me', 'did I make the right decision'? Its just another layer of sadness and confusion to whatever pain and sorrow anyone would feel at losing a much loved and wanted child. I guess what I am trying to say is that what you are feeling is completely normal. Not nice at all but normal.

The choices we make under pressure we often regret in hindsight, but if you consider the basic facts we realise that the choice was invariably the right one.  For both you and I, our situations ment that we would still be left here empty armed, and though that doesn't take the pain away I hope it helps you to put away that part of the guilt.

There is no miracle cure or tonic to take so that everything will be ok, but I promise you with time it does get easier. 

You have my telephone number and I know that you are in contact with ARC. 
I hope you are able at some point in the future put the anger and hurt that accompany Richards memory to rest.

Take care 
Debs


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Jenny - I'm in the chat room if you want to talk


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi Jenny

You did do the right thing hun and one day you will have a little miracle - dont let anyone ever tell u that u did the wrong thing getting rid of your baby.

I have had friends who have known their baby is healthy and wanted rid of it as they just didnt want a baby fullstop - then i think that is the wrong thing but your little boy was ill and it wouldnt have been fair on him.

It is really hard for me to say this but at least u have experienced being pregnant as i havnt had that feeling yet and dream about it 24/7 at the moment but then i think i would rather be in this position than the one u were in if that makes sense? 

As long as your hubby is there supporting u and gives u comfort?

Also if u still feel like this have u ever had any conselling?

Take care hun

Kate xxxxx


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hiya Jenny

My heart is breaking for u darlin

Always come here to post sweetie

We are all here for u always

My thoughts are with you
All my love
Emilyxx


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## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

to you all. You are really great people and i am lucky to have found this site. 

My problem is no matter what people say i am always going to blame myself for what happened although i have heard from many doctors who told us that as soon as the egg and  met it was going to turn out that way. Everyone has said that i did the right thing but it is me that i have to deal with. My biggest critic is me. My DH is wonderful but i feel he did not experience it like me because he was going through cancer treatment at the same time. Don't get me wrong, he felt it just the same as me but differently if you get what i mean. I am lucky to have such a wonderful DH, also my dad is my rock at times. 

You are right, Kate, i am lucky to have been pregnant, i was told at the age of 16 i would never be able to get pregnant, so up yours to the doctors.   I had the joy of seeing my little baby on screen which i am blessed no matter how it turned out.

Thank you again.

Jenny


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

I have just read your post and I really feel for you.  you have had the most difficult decision that anyone could make and you must not beat yourself up with it.  My SIL had a baby last year and knew from 12weeks that he was not compatible with life, she went to full term with him and he died at 3 days old.  I have spoken to her about it, she now has another baby who was born the same day he was, she said that she would not have done it if she struggled to conceive (she has always fallen preg really easily and already has one boy).  This decision was right for her.
I know that in your situation I would terminate, I have a brother with down syndrome and I feel that severe disability in today's society is not an easy life, my brother is very aware that he is different and now at the age of 39 he is sufferign with very poor health and the reality is my mum will probabaly see him die before she does.  I have been lucky to be pregannat and to feel how incredibly special that is, but you have to consider the quality of life or not someone may have.
The decision you made was right for you and your partner and you ahve to remember even in times when you are feeling down and guilty that the decision was the ight one for you.  I know that the reality of this decison must be incredibly hard as you are finding it difficult to conceive, I just wish you all the luck in the world on your journey.
Strawbs xxxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Jenny

I'm glad you are feeling a little more   today.

We are our harshest critics but sometimes we need to accept that we did our best and no one could ask any more from us. You made a brave choice under horrific circumstances. One of the ARC ladies once told me that having a termination for fetal abnormality means that we bare the pain so our children don't have to. It's so very true.

I'm here for you if you want to talk.

Take care
Debs


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## safarigirl (Feb 23, 2005)

Dearest Jenny

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your darling baby.  What a terribly difficult time you have been through.  I am so glad you posted here, so that some of us can offer you some support and love.

Jenny, you did what you had to do.  You were advised by doctors at a time you were vulnerable, griefstricken, anxious.  Yu made a decision on advise that was probably for the best.  You were given the option of taking tablets on advice of the medical profession who thought it was for the best, they also have morals and ethics and i am sure if they thought for any reason you shouldn't they would not have advised you of that option.  Your little baby was not well, (well physically anyway, spiritually a perfect soul) you had to make a choice that no mother ever wants to make.  But you made the choice that you believed was right for you and your baby so that they would not suffer.  Trust me, your wonderful son, richard, understands the choice you made and loves you even more.  

Perhaps you could go and see a counsellor to talk over some of your feelings of guilt - although i udnerstand where these thoughts are coming from, i think with guidance, you could re-look at this tragic  event perhaps in a kinder light.  I would really love for you to come from a position of understanding, and loving yourself for the brave strong women you are.

Although you said you shouldnt post here, you should, you didnt ask for this to happen, it was one of those things.  My last miscarriage was due to trisomy 22, and if the baby would have survived i would have to have faced the same decisions that you did.  

Perhaps you could ask your closets friends of family, sit them down, and say i need to talk about my son, he existed, he lived, i loved him, please listen to me, let me cry.  Let them know that although it makes you sad to talk about your loss, you need to talk.  sometimes people think they protect us by just not mentioning sad things to us.  Try and let them see that you really need to express your feelings, and that you want your son to not be forgotten.

I so hope that you gain your strenght and that all your dreams come true.  I admire you, and i send you love.


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Jenny so glad you did decide to post hun  everyone is always here for you sweetie.


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## Smurfs (Oct 19, 2004)

Jenny

Sending you a hug  

Take good care

Love Shaz xxx


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Jenny

You didn't do anything wrong and you belong here with the rest of us.



Love Michelle xx


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## Aliday (Oct 21, 2004)

Hi Jenny,
just wanted to post to say I know how you feel, you are not alone. I too made a similar decision but have come to accept that I made the right decision for all of us, even though I felt a coward at the time.
Sending you lots of hugs
Ali


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Jenny

Just wanted to send you a big   
Hope you are ok hun
Let me know if you haven't heard back from ARC and I will chase.

Ali - I'm so sorry to read of your losses. If you ever want someone to 'talk' to please do let me know.

Take care
Debs


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi Jenny hope you are doing ok?

Wishing u all the success for 2006  

Kate xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Jenny

PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

You have come to the right place.  On here, you will find nothing but genuine support and empathy.

You did NOT "kill" your baby.  You were told you were about to miscarry.  All you did was stop your baby suffering unneccessarily and I think you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself through all that hell, for your unborn baby.

You will NEVER ever get over this but in time, you will learn how best to deal with it in your own way.  Have you thought about counselling?  This can help release some of the emotions you are holding and help you understand and come to terms with what has happened.  

Yes, talk to your family and friends but don't rely solely on them - as much as they want to - they can never understand your pain and suffering.  This is too big for you to deal with on your own.

As for feeling guilty - please don't.  You did the very best you could for your baby and I'm sure anyone else in your position would have done the same.

You are very brave and please, please seek professional help.
All my love and hugs
Gill x


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## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

hello only me again. I just thought that would let you know that my DH and i have decided to go for adoption. The problem is i don't know at the moment if i could cope with losing another baby. I think it would completely break me. So i have made the first phone call and in the new year we will be going for it. I admire you all for your strength but i just can not do it anymore. I can not stand the TTC, having  around the right time of the month, 2ww and all those . I am going back on the pill so for now we are not actively TTC. I hope to some off you this makes sense. It has made me feel so much better knowing i have finally got some part of my life under my control. The way i look at it i am only 23 years old so if we want to TTC again once we have adopted then we have time to wait for a while then try for our own. Thank youfor all your support.

Merry Christmas to all, i know it is hard and you probably feel that their is nothing to be happy about but some of us  it will be our last childless Christmas for the rest Christmas has to get better because nothing could be as worse as the pain now. 

Lots of love and wishes to you all

Jenny


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Jenny,

Well done for making that decision - I know it must have been a heartbreaking choice.  The only thing to do now is try to make the most of Christmas, and hopefully next year you will be parents to a child who desperately needs some love.

I will be thinking of you, and I wish you lots of love and happiness.

Sallywags


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## *Jenny* (Aug 24, 2005)

everyone,

I just had to tell people how i feel at the moment.   At last i think i know why it happened to my DH and i. It was not that we had done something wrong and being punished.   It was for a reason. I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason but i don't see how the amount of pain and hurt is worth anything but i think i may have worked it out. My DH and i have decided to go for adoption a decision that we would have never made before Richard.   Our little boy made us stronger as people but stronger a s a couple as well. My baby will always be with me, i love him and wish everyday he was here with us but i know he gave us a great gift in the few weeks he was with us. It was only 17 short weeks he was with us but he made such an impact on our lives.   I think that he done what he had to do and was then allowed into heaven where most people have wait a whole life time. This probably sound like the ranting of a   women. Does this makes sense to anyone? Well all i know is for the first time i am sitting here thanking God that i am a chance to love such an angel, i thank him that we are now stronger people and can give a good home to a little boy or girl who needs it. Well thanks for listening or reading in this case.

Jenny


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