# Talking about kids history.......or not.



## curly-wurly (Sep 28, 2005)

Hi, I have lurked on this board for ages and have found it invaluable for getting through the adoption journey. We have our perfect family now and have been settled for 7 months. The question I have is how do people handle personal history at gatherings? I am open with family, close friends etc but am thinking more of playgroups/mother and toddler sessions where you don't really know the people that well. I am torn between fudging over the kids history and letting it be their story to share as they get older or just stating that they are adopted and leaving it at that, not going into personal details. I don't want the kids to grow up thinking  that I am ashamed about it and do talk about it at home with them but also don't want them labelling by strangers. Can anyone advise how they handle this, I am aware that there will be a wide mix of views and welcome all.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Congratulations we have told people she is adopted and basically they make the rest up. If there is something which maybe playgroup need to know then let them know. Bubba starts playgroup after easter and I have written them a letter explaining a few things. Mainly because she doesn't take comfort from people very well we just call them her bubbaisms which at the end of the day make our beautiful daughter xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Why on earth do people need to know your childs history?  It is just that 'their' story, not yours. 

Put yourself in their shoes, just imagine, you are adopted and you love your mum and dad and have a happy family life..... one day you go to a family gathering or an old friends party and someone (who you yourself don't know very well) and asks you a very personal question about your life, your very personal, private, life that you don't like to think of..... you are just your parents child, no adoption label needed.  How would that persons question make you feel?  If it were me, i'd feel very let down by my parents for letting one and all know 'my' story. 

No one knows my childrens story but us, our childrens parents.  We're not secretive about them being adopted, most of the school know but no one needs to know 'why'.  Some nosey people have asked, but we just say, that's personal information and it's not our story to tell.  If our children decide to tell people when they're older then that is their decision.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

you might find this thread relevant..

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=298806.0

kj x


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## curly-wurly (Sep 28, 2005)

Hi, thanks for the replies, sorry I don't think I was very clear in my original post so will clarify.
I am totally with you all about keeping the kids history private, only the kids will know that, I had an adopted friend and it used to drive her mad that certain family members knew more about her history than she did. I also know that when the kids start nursery/school it will be beneficial for the staff to know and be able to offer relevant support. Thanks for directing me to the previous question asked I think I missed it and thanks for your comments.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Ah ok, wrong end of the stick completely


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

People have asked me loads of questions and much of it is not theirs to know but in a way I feel I do have to do a little education.  Because little boy's bmum "chose" to place him with us (as her alternative was him going into FC), people say "how could she give him away/choose to have him adopted" and I say "she had no choice, he couldn't go home with her, so she chose us". I don't want them - or him when the time comes - thinking he was just "discarded".

I am also open about the fact that we go back to where he was born and see her and bgrandparents and one sib.  People also struggle to understand that and I do give them a few details about whether we saw them, what it was like, good and bad points about the visit (we saw them in January, the grandparents were happy to see him and they set up a nice place to meet in public for us, bmum was rushed and she has a lot going on, most of it not good - and if I know the friends well I will add buzz words like "chaotic lifestyle"). But this is with friends - there are other families I know who will just know we went back to X where we've been before and where we have family (well, we're related now through him!)

I have occasionally tangentially referred to "risk factors" but apart from him being a little early (which they all pooh-pooh anyway, expecting him to behave like my friend's little girl born 4 weeks later on her due date), I don't say what they are and won't, until he's old enough to decide if he wants them shared, and in the case of some things, which might not appear till school age, till we know more ourselves.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I've been torn about this in the past.  I found living in a small town and suddenly acquiring an 18 month old sort of made part of the decision for me, and I'm now in a situation where I go to toddler groups and am about, hopefully, to acquire a 10-11 month old.  On the basis that people are going to ask where this second child appeared from, I've been quietly introducing the idea that we're about to have another child to some people I know purely as Mums of other kids at toddler group.  I do get some inappropriate questions, which I simply don't answer, but generally most are OK.  I'd prefer to have not had to make that choice.

Someone did say to me in front of my 2 1/2 year old daughter a few days ago "I didn't know you weren't her real mum" which really unsettled our Wyxling.  She knows she's adopted but doesn't really understand exactly what that means, other than that we haven't always been her Mummy and Daddy.  We also think she thinks the f/c was her b/m, (no life story work or early life photos makes it really hard with a toddler to explain all this).  She got very very possessive of me and kept coming up and to me and stomping her little foot and saying "my Mummy" at me, and I just reassured her that she was.  She was talking on her toy phone the same day later and I asked her who she was calling, and she said she was calling her real mummy.  It wasn't in the sort of "you're not my real mum" way I can imagine we may get after an argument about what she can do in a few years time, just confused.  It's not the first time someone has said something inappropriate that's made me want to strangle them.  I guess what I'm saying is think about who you tell, if you have the choice, most questions can be avoided or turned back at people, because some people really do not saddle up their brains before they open their mouths in front of your kids!

When she starts pre-school we'll fortunately have a completely different group of people and I'll have our complete family by then all being well, so I'll make it clear to her then that it's up to her what she tells people about her family, or anything else for that matter.


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