# Advice please - do i speak to mil & sil about this or leave it?



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

i have a slight dilema, was going to post on peer support but didnt think it appropriate. my niece (dh's side of the family) is very behind in her learning for her age, shes only just really started walking and she will be 2yrs old soon. she doesnt say any words, just lots of jabba jabba type words (lol sorry didnt know how to explain it!!) and she cannot even do puzzles. i know all chidren develop at different times etc and i shouldnt compare her to others but im concerned that shes not getting the encouragment she needs to grow. she will just go 'uhh' and hold her hand out and SIL will just get her the things she wants, when im with her i try and encourage her to say what she wants as i think its something she should be doing by now. her diet is another thing, but i wont go into that! also the little girl is practically being bought up as mil's daughter and mil hasnt really given sil a chance to become a mum and learn the things she needs to know to take care of her baby. it must be confusing for my neice when mil & sil fall out so mil then decides shes the nanny and not the mummy   

how can i make sil and mil see what they're doing isnt very helpful for the little girl without seeming like im sticking my nose in? i know i dont have children myself (and i dont want them saying 'what would you know, you dont have children') but i worked in a nursery with those ages and i know a little about this kind of thing. is there any professionals that could maybe guide them in the right direction?    or am i just being too fussy?   

thoughts appreciated

thanks x


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Jo
I'm not a professional but have to say I too would be concerned with your neice's development 
One of the main aspects of language development, as you know, is that children need encouragement and input from their parents, this is how they learn, from mimicking and copying etc. If she isn't being given that opportunity or stimulation her development will be a lot slower.
My youngest brother was very slow to talk and my nan noticed that my 2 brothers and I were "speaking" for him...as in he would point or gesture to a toy, and we would all say "oh do you want this?" or "here you go"...instead of us saying "what do you want, the car" and encouraging him to say the word, or tell us what it was he wanted. My mum took us all to one side and explained that he needed to start to learn words and that we had to help him by making him say the word etc, and it was so upsetting as he would cry out of sheer frustration as he had to wait and learn. He soon got the gist of it and his babble was replaced by words and he soon got chattering. 
One thing I would ask is, is your neices hearing ok? Some children, especially toddlers, can get a condition known as "Glue ear", where the tube in the ear doesn't clear itself adequately and the fluid becomes sort of hard and this can impede hearing, and thus language development, as they will not have a correct hearing range and often miss syllables etc. My ds had this dx when he was about 20 months, but thankfully it didn't affect his speech as he was an early talker, although he does still have a slightly reduced hearing range in the affected ear. He would often sit with the tv on so loud I couldn't hear myself think, and he would sometimes ignore me, which I put down to selective hearing (especially at bed time)  I got him checked out at the doctors as he'd had a lot of recurrent ear infections, and wanted to make sure there wasn't any damage, and they dx glue ear. He used to get very snotty and congested when he had a cold, and it always affected his ears, so it might be worth ruling that out.
If her hearing is ok, then I think if you can, play devil's advocate, you need to speak to your sil and mil and tactfully explain your concerns.

I think your mil, however well intended, needs to take a step back and let your sil bring her own child up. This will undoubtedly confuse your neice as she will be getting mixed messages, and I would imagine your mil may have some "alternative/different" parenting methods to your sil, which again will cause confusion. (My mum and dad helped me to raise my ds when I moved back home after my ex and I separated, and it was VERY difficult for me to keep my position of mummy! My mum made me feel like a babysitter at times, and I felt a bit apprehensive about questioning her parenting skills...considering she had had 4 children, but I had to bite the bullet and explain I was his mother, and it was me who made decisions about his, diet, clothing, bedtime routine etc, so I know it must be hard for your sil)

I think you're a super aunty to be so concerned about your neice, and I know you must feel as if you are between a rock and a hard place 
You don't have to have had a child to know that there is something wrong/lacking in your neice's development, so please don't feel you are wrong for thinking so.

Does she have regular check ups with her HV? I "think" she would be due a developmental check soon, seeing as she's 2 yrs (if my ancient memory serves me correctly)  so maybe this will be picked up then.
I'd suggest your sil speaks to her HV and arranges a check up  or test the water by asking when her developmental checks are (out of curiosity)  and take it from there.

If you like, I can split/move this to the HV section, am sure someone will be able to offer some "professional" advice 
Sorry am not more help (and apologise if I've waffled)  I know it must be a difficult situation for you 
Take care hunni
Lotsa love
Gayn
Xx


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

thank you mrs c, i was worried about posting it elsewhere as i wasnt sure if i was being too interfeering (me?!! never!   )

i know she gets lots of colds etc so i might suggest the glue ear thing and then casually ask about the development checks etc.

i dont mind you splitting this off onto another thread as i could use some more ideas if thats ok?

thanks!

jo x


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi 
Just letting my mod buddies know I have moved this here from the Nutter's thread 
Gayn
Xx


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