# Angry after failed IVF



## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Hi All, 

For those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to have experienced a failed IVF cycle(s) - were you angry, as well as upset? 

I am not usually an angry person. But the anger I feel right now is ridiculous! Not at anyone in particular. More like - at everyone! Poor souls. 

I'm cranky to the point where I deactivated my ******** account (and I'm a self-confessed ** addict) because I wanted to slap people upside the head for doing things like writing stupid status updates, or making spelling mistakes (I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi).  What is that all about??  

I don't want to be that angry nasty person.  That's not me. I need to get myself back.  

Any pointers? 

What helped you? 

Liesa x


----------



## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Yes I was. Because it's all so damn unfair. I'm not normally a particularly angry person, if anything I'm generally a bit of a soft touch and a mug for a sob story but after IVF I really did find my self feeling angry, jealous and generally not an especially nice person. It's a stage everyone normal who has a failed IVf goes through so don't beat yourself up about it (anyone who says they just wafted through IVF like some modern day Snow White cuddling other people's babies and knitting booties is either lying or bonkers or that bird off Emmerdale). Like any grief cycle it will pass in time but I reckon it's OK to feel angry and its partly linked to hte hellishly massive drug load we've been on. It will get better. As for what helps, time, doing stuff you enjoy and basically not beating yourself up about it.

Anyway probably not helped much as my grammer will dead wind you up innit.

Take care
Maisy


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

sorry you had BFN. i had bfn on my first try.
I was grateful that i was able to try IVF. some people don't even get the chance. Then i was grateful i responded to the stimming meds - some people don't respond. Then i was grateful that we got to egg collection, some people.s cycles get cancelled before then. I was very grateful that we got eggs. only four fertilised but we were still so relieved to be still in the game and in with a chance. some people don't get any eggs, or get any to fertilise. i was grateful my transfer went well. 

of course it was disappointing when i bled on day 10 of my 2ww and it was all over... but we'd jumped so many fences...


when the anger wears off you will realise it could have been much worse. will you get another go? i'm 42 too (nearly 43) so i fully understand the time problem! i'm just on my third go, we did get a BFP on the second go but sadly miscarried (my only ever pregnancy that i waited 20 years for) and found out it had died four days before last christmas. 

the anger will pass... all we can do is hope that things will go our way one day.


----------



## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Maisy, this - "Anyway probably not helped much as my grammer will dead wind you up innit" made me laugh!  And that's no mean feat. Thank you. 


Goldbunny, I think I will give it another go. Like yourself, we did exceptionally well all the way along. Jumped all the hurdles with surprisingly good results. I almost feel that made for bigger disappointment when it failed. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I feel that pain as well. 

Re my current anger - I feel that it might pass more quickly if I am able to hit someone.  No, really.  But then I swap my fantasy hat for my logical hat and I realise that if I've made it to 42 without being arrested, I should probably try and keep it that way. 

Cheers for the advice, ladies. Much appreciated.


----------



## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Up early again - researching IVF clinics in Cyprus.  Just found this little gem on one of the clinic's official websites - 

"A female at the age of 46 has 1 chance in 10000 to curry a term pregnancy." 

Am I put off by the statistics?  Not at all. 

I AM, however, put off by the spelling mistake. "Curry"?  Really?? 

See what I mean?  Angry.  And a Grammar Nazi.  A formidable combination!


----------



## Marshmallowqueen (Jan 23, 2013)

Couldn't help but jump in ArmyWife. I am sitting here just coming to terms with my first IVF failure, like you and gold bunny our treatment went so well that when I started bleeding on day 8 after transfer it felt like a kick in the teeth. It's day 10 now and I know it's all over even though clinic have said still to test on OTD.

I totally sympathise with what you are feeling and i think what maisyz says is absolutely right, you have to allow yourself to feel like this without beating yourself up. I get so angry especially when I see members of the Jeremy Kyle population pushing prams with another on the way and smoking/drinking plus all the horrible stories in the news about child abuse. I think we have every right to feel angry about things when we know how much we would sacrifice for a child and how much love we could give.

Life is very unfair but when i am feeling a bit better i am going to really try to focus on what I have got to be grateful for, which is a lot, and do all the things I enjoy which I have given up for IVF. This will include getting completely hammered at some point. Haven't had a drink in months so that will probably take 2 glasses of wine  

I am also a spelling and grammar nazi but then I am a teacher so I have an excuse  

Wish you all the best and if you feel like hitting someone, may I suggest Michael Gove? Thank you


----------



## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Marshmallowqueen, 

I am running a search for Michael Gove's planned moves as we speak... 

You're right. I do have stuff to be grateful for.  I know I do. I just have issues at the moment trying to focus on that. Although, I am feeling better today.  That could be because hubby and I are going out for a dinner date this eve, and I plan to drink my sorrows away. And after so many months of no alcohol, that will be quite a treat! And quite a hangover, I imagine.  

Re the Jeremy Kyle lot - they make my blood boil.  Sadly, we even get that bloody show over here via the British Forces Broadcasting Service! I can't bring myself to watch it. 

I'm sorry to hear about your IVF failure, along with Goldbunny's and Maisy's.  

When is your OTD? It's probably too early to ask, but do you think you might try again?


----------



## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Armywife, hitting things does help, not consultants or IVF nurses of course (though you do frequently feel tempted after a failed cycle when they wheel out the "well we can't really expect to much at your age dear" comments. No, the answer (for me anyway) was cardio box, whether it's DVD class or a pop to the gym it really is very stress relieving. I was actually planning to get a punch bag to get back into kick box which I loved but decided best not in case Social Services decided it made me look like a psych (we're on the adoption route)

It will get better.


----------



## Trumpet (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

Hope you don't mind me joining your discussion but it made me giggle which is a rarity on an IVF thread.  I think anger is part of the grieving as every time IVF fails you feel like you have lost the potential of becoming a parent which right now is all you ever wanted.  Like you guys I have made so many changes in my life to help make this work including giving up some of the things I love such as sport, wine, caffeine, generally anything that is fun!  And you can't help but feel frustrated that even though you make all these sacrifices and do everything right its still not happening, yet you see people who frankly should have been sterilised at birth popping them out like peas.  My estranged Father is 70 and a violent alcoholic and unbelievably he has managed to recently father a child with a woman who is equally unpleasant.  Seems ridiculous when I go into a panic because I have had a square of chocolate which has caffeine in it!

I have to say generally I don't feel anger but I get incredibly sad and upset but we all have our own way of dealing with our feelings and its best not to beat yourself up over it but try to let it out and get it out of your system.

I think Goldbunny is right and you have to focus on the positives as the more positives you have in an IVF cycle the more likely that one day it will work.  I have had 4 failed cycles and had a single 2 day 2 cell embryo transferred yesterday.  I felt so disappointed that I lost one of my embryos (I am not a great responder and I am lucky to get a couple of decent eggs) but I had to tell myself that at least I had one to transfer as last month we had one egg but no fertilisation so didn't even get that far.  I also feel lucky that we have the savings to pay for it as many people don't have the opportunity to do IVF.  You can't be positive all the time and sometimes its good to let yourself feel a bit miserable, angry and generally peed off but I do think keep positive as you can will make you stronger and help you get through this absolutely horrendous process!

Good luck to all!

Trumpet xxx


----------



## bearloopy77 (Feb 1, 2013)

ArmyWife- You are just feeling what most people that have a failed ivf feel, but do not like to admit it.
Time is the biggest healer, but i have also found while doing an exercise dvd, stamping on the spot like a spoiled toddler 
also helps a great deal   In the privacy of my own home of course, not in the middle of Sainsbury's.

I only had two eggs retrieved and neither fertilized. This was over two month's ago and i feel like i am only just starting
to get back to normality now. I was cross with myself, my partner, our clinic, even Katie Price!!! The drugs do evil things to us
and i am sure they take a while to leave our system.

Marshmallowqueen- I am so with you for your plans for Michael Gove, along with half the country.


----------



## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

hi armeewive jus fort i would reply 2 you 4 wot its worf i fink its only natral 2 feel this way wiv evryfink uv bin thru and it reely is jus a way ov greevin

Sorry I just really couldn't help myself - I was going to write a whole paragraph like that with no punctuation whatsoever, but I even irritated the heck out of myself so couldn't keep it up  

Honestly though, I think it's completely normal - you're grieving and still trying to work out what went wrong - we nitpick our cycles and look for any available opportunity to have someone to blame, because quite frankly it's incredibly hard to accept that life is just really crap sometimes.

We all cope in such different ways and even before the IVF I had so much anger and hurt inside to do with how I felt left on the sidelines by family.  During IVF, this shifted focus and I was angry with the hospital, the consultants and well just anyone that got in my way!

For me the best way to deal with it was climbing straight back on the horse and when our first cycle failed (for want of a better word - we did actually get eggs and subsequently embryos) because we knew there would be no transfer I started down regging for an FET before I'd even finished the cycle!  That went much the same way as the fresh cycle, a good start followed by one disaster after another    The day after the official BFN I had a review appointment and within the week was starting a further fresh cycle.  I wouldn't actually advocate cycling back to back to back, because really I just never dealt with the emotions and this time last week I was a complete wreck because I believed it was all over.  This time though I got lucky and although I'm far from counting my chickens I'm glad I went ahead.

It's certainly not that simple though because I never laid my ghosts to rest and it meant that every time something didn't go quite to plan, my stress level went through the roof.  The logical part of me knows that throughout my tx, my consultants have only ever done what they believed to be in my best interests, but even now I still can't help but feel that I was let down on my original cycle.  I wish I had taken the time to work through that, and also that I'd actually taken advantage of the clinic's counselling service.  In fact exactly a week ago I dialled the number but bottled out of making the appointment, because I knew I needed to deal with everything.  Things happened this cycle that felt just like history repeating itself - so much so that I upped and walked out of the hospital less than 2 hours after egg collection and then spent the entire day in tears.  If I'd really rationalised these things before piling in to another cycle, then I certainly would have been in a better frame of mind.  My head and my heart convinced me that I was destined to spend the rest of my life as a childless bitter person and I wasn't happy about that - not least because I've spent the last year filled with such hatred at times.

But actually my head and my heart were wrong - the shame of it is that the anger hasn't stopped.  I will in time deal with it, but honestly I should have done that first.

Lots of love and luck to you all - take your time, realise that it is ok to feel HOWEVER you feel about your situation because it is unique to you.


----------



## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Maisy - the "at your age" comments make me wild! One especially 'lovely' fertility consultant once asked me "Don't you think it's time to give up the dream?"  And to those people, I say "F*ck you!"....in the nicest possible way, of course.  

Trumpet, you have trumped me (Oh lord, I knew it was bad as I typed it. Thank you, I'm here all week) with the story of your father.  That is awful. Sorry you had to put up with that news. I sincerely hope your transfer from yesterday is successful. Fingers crossed. x

Bearloopy - I'm fairly sure I'd be angry at Katie Price without any remaining drugs in my system. As for the fitness DVD - not a bad idea....

Dudders - you got me a beauty!  I was reading that first paragraph thinking "Oh. My. Lord. What is wrong with the young people of today?"  See how I automatically assumed that because of the text speak it was a young person.  Shame on me.  But thank god you were kidding, because that would've been hard for me to hold my tongue in my current frame of mind.  

So, your last cycle was successful?  You got a positive? Excellent news. Congrats!


----------



## Marshmallowqueen (Jan 23, 2013)

Agree with Bearloopy and Maisy, I do Body Combat, well I did before IVF, which involves punching and kicking. It's definitely a great stress reliever so I will get myself back to that when I feel up to it.  I can just imagine beating up Gove.

To add to the Katie Price rage my sister has passed on some magazines to me with the headline 'pregnancy woes'. Apparently poor Jordan is feeling 'self-conscious and old', frankie Sanford (who?!) is "struggling to cope with getting bigger" and Kim kardashian (again, who?!)  is "fed up with her grumpy partner".

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggh! They can all f**k off     (in the nicest way possible!)


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Anger is a healthy part of the grieving process and yes, I felt angry.  I went through hell and back and still it all failed for me and I ended up walking away from it all for good last year.  

As others have said, the key is to find an outlet for that anger - to channel it and focus it into something positive.  I took up walking and between cycles did a lot of weights and boxing/training at the gym.  Half the time I'd be on the treadmill running in tears, sobbing and nearly choking with it all but it always helped.

Big, big hugs.  It's such a horrible process and no-one should have to go through it but at least you know that on here, people completely understand and sympathise.


----------



## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I hope I at least made you smile with that!  It's a pet hate of mine and I often refuse to read or answer such badly written posts as I just think there is no excuse for it!

All these things like incorrect use of there/their/they're and such like, and posts that just run incessantly without any regard for paragraphs or punctuation - makes me seriously want to punch them very hard!  What scares me is I've seen a number of teachers making such fundamental mistakes (not just the odd one - we all make typos from time to time   ) and I think oh my, no wonder the kids of today can't spell for toffee!

We have indeed been incredibly lucky that our latest cycle has resulted in a positive, and for that I will never regret going ahead at the point we did, but a part of me does wish I'd allowed myself to grieve the first two 'losses' first.


----------



## Trumpet (Feb 23, 2013)

Loving this thread!

Mandy and Dudders, congrats on the positive BFP's.

Maisy - good luck on the adoption route.  My friend recently became the Mum of two gorgeous baby girls she adopted and they are all super happy!

Army Wife, it is pretty ****ty about my Dad. We were lucky to have a great Mum and we escaped from him so I haven't had to have anything to do with him for 30 years but I feel so ashamed to think that my Dad is the type of moron you get on the Jeremy Kyle show.  Maybe I don't get so angry about the IVF because currently I am absolutely furious with social services who currently seem to think its ok to inform me they are taking the baby away basically the moment she was born, tell me they may have to name me as the whistleblower in order to obtain the court order to keep the baby safe then don't even bother to tell me they have given the baby back to her useless parents (we only found this out through my brother's neighbour).  After calling daily for a month the social worker has yet to return my call.  Been trying to divorce my emotions from it for the moment as there isn't much more I can do but I am concerned for the baby and I do plan to escalate as I don't have confidence that they can ensure the baby is safe!  Yet we have to fill in those stupid forms to determine whether we will make suitable parents and should be allowed to proceed with IVF!  What a joke!

And yes too I also find idiot celebs annoying when all they have to worry about is getting fat or annoyed with their other halves!  Such non-stories about uninteresting people!

Rant over!

Have a good day Ladies!

Trumpet xx


----------



## Trumpet (Feb 23, 2013)

I apologise - spotted some grammatical errors in my last post!  Brain not quite engaged with fat fingers on my iPad!


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Armywife

Im so so sorry. I had 2 icsi and one fet before we move to pgd, which worked. For me there was def a huge release of emotions on my first bfn, it was as if the bubble of "ivf is our solution" had been burst. I was totally heart broken, it wasnt helped by the fact that i had a positive result only for it to become a bfn a few days later. But yes i def remember the feeling of being angry.

The worst time i felt angry is when the clinic realised that i need icsi pgd and not normal icsi! i was so so angry with the world that i had been though 3 rounds of treatment only to believe in something that probably wasn't going to work   . It was the lowest taht i had been. But like when you have a round of treatment and it doesnt work, things are learnt, things that may lead you to having a positive result next time. Granted not much use or solis this time.

The only way i could deal with my emotions was to keep busy esp with doing sport. Going for a jog or a walk really helped me to cope. xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Army Wife 

The anger and the hiding away from the world are not me, but definitely part of IVF me. I won a place at a 4 day bootcamp before this round of treatment, not my normal thing, but I really loved it, especially the boxing! Got me up early and to be honest someone else telling me what to do was quite a nice relief. 

Looking like a BFN for us this time, so think I might concentrate on a fitness burst, not sure if I can handle getting back on the IVF band wagon but then again not sure I can handle getting off it either.


 x


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Dudders said:


> I hope I at least made you smile with that! It's a pet hate of mine and I often refuse to read or answer such badly written posts as I just think there is no excuse for it!


LOL! I thought it was serious. I hadn't read the rest of the thread and read that first line and thought: 'Christ, Dudders has let herself go' then didn't bother reading any further.


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

thanks for the grammar Nazi giggles.. hehe. 

annoyingly it seems to be getting worse not better as more people seem to be stuck using machines that automatically correct stuff but just turn mis-types into nonsense.. exacerbating the problem of people writing badly. Though since I have a thing about not bothering to capitalise I guess it's better that this PC seems to want to put them in for me! 

the only thing saving me from going quite mad is that there seem to be so many of us in the same boat so thanks for the company. Pass me an oar and I will row for a bit. I need something to take my mind off the TTC process.


----------

