# Not sure where to go now/what to do !



## booboo40

Hi ladies - got a BFN a month ago from a 2nd ICSI attempt and both my DH and I were devastated as all the symptoms were positive up until the actual testing. As we are both older - DH - 51 and me - nearly 41, it really feels like we are running out of time.
I threw myself into my work but as the weeks go by I have been getting more and more depressed. DH's treatment ( a vas rev 2 years ago and 1 PESA and then  a TESA) have really depressed him/affected how he feels about himself, so trying to get our sex life back on track has been very difficult.
I'm really not sure where to go from here.... the results have brought up all sorts of issues and choices (ie Adoption/Living Child Free/ one more attempt and I know it will take time to sort it all out, but I was wonderering if there were any others out there in a similar situation (in the South-east) who would like to get together for a chat ? I know there are some meets/workshops already, but they seem to be for mixed groups and I don't think I could face discussing positive results, when so many of us have had such bad luck. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, it doesn't mean to be.
I have considered counselling (and may still go down that route) but some of the best advice and most honest feelings have come from the girls on this site, which were such a support when I got my BFN.
If anyone is interested in getting together, even for a coffee or whatever, please let me know. Would be happy to drive and meet (within travelling distance of Brighton/Worthing)

Love

Caz xx


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## paula29

hi caz i wanted to send you a big hug i know you must be feeling so low its so hard dealing with bfn after bfn . we have been ttc for 5 years nearly six but we haven't got onto the ivf route as yet we are still trying iui with the hope it works . I'm not in the same age group as you hun but if you need to chat I'm a good listener i live in shoreham by sea I'm not sure where you are but gather it cant be to far from me anyway lots of hugs Hun pm me if you want to chat or meet love Paula


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## astrid

hi caz
I can totally empathise with you both a the moment. I know that we all have different experiences but we are all aiming for the same thing at the end of it. Getting negative after negative is such a tough thing to go through. I am sorry that your DH is finding it difficult, i know mine hasn't expereinced what yours has. But the whole infertility issue has had a detrimental effect on him also...I really do feel for men as they are so often left out of this..
I am the same age as you and i feel that the pressure of our age and fertility has been a heavy burden to have on top of everything esle. I hope you do not mind me saying but i was at breaking point last year. I thought its either my sanity, our marriage or do something about this feeling of dread and childlessness. I went through to my clinic and asked about counselling (it doesn't work for everyone i know). The counsellor had experience with women going through infertility and i felt comfortable straightaway. It was a painful process but hey i cannot be more pleased that i made that move. I went into many of the sessions on my own and then my hubby joined me when i wanted to discuss things. It gave him time to express his fears and i had to listen to his side and vice versa. Caz, it was the best thing we ever did. All i can say now is i don't care about my age, i feel like there is  is a life in front of me (instead of thinking it was just one grey picture). Don't get me wrong i haven't totally given up we are looking at another tx, but more for peace of mind and one for the road. But i am not so desperate and i have a more what will be, will be attitude. I still have sad days but hey i am more in control. If the tx fails then i will have to deal with coming to terms with our childlessness. I will then seek more help then, or look at other options such as adoption...
I am sorry to go on, but i hope that this has helped alittle...
Caz follow your heart. Do not put pressure on yourself. You cannot beat talking to someone or finding an alternative therapist i.e reflexology is also positive and can be really effective...
If you want to chat anytime please send me an im....
Its not been easy for any of us, but there is help out there to get us through these crappy times.....
Goodluck..
love astridxxx


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## jess p

Hi Caz,

Really sorry to hear how down you feel.  It's just so difficult to know what steps to take next.

I know it's not the same treatment as you've been having but on the iui girls several of them are based in the South east & go to the Nuffield (I think!).

Good luck with what ever decision you come to .

Jess x


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## booboo40

Paula,Astrid and Jess P - thanks so much for your support. Paula and I are going to meet up in a week and it will be good to finally chat to someone who knows and understands the pain that we all go through. Jess - thanks for the advice re the girls at Nuffield. Astrid - I have followed the advice you have handed out to others on FF and you sound such a kind lady. Age does make it difficult as time slips away so quickly.... I said to my DH yesterday that I feel that I don't have a choice in all of this anymore, that nature and age has made my choice for me and I kinda feel cheated somehow... does that make sense ? I would like to IM you some time if that's ok - you seem to be in a similar position of what to do next so would like to run some stuff by you - as long as you do the same with me if you need to ? 

Am back to work tomorrow and looking forward to getting stuck in again - I know I must be kinda hiding behind it at the moment, but it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Thanks again for getting back to me

Caz


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## astrid

hi caz
Thankyou for your kind words....i would love to chat to you. Hopefully we can share and give each other some sound advice.
You certainly struck a cord with me in your message 'that nature and age has made my choice for me and that i feel cheated'. That has brought tears to my eyes, because you have hit home how i have felt for many years. I can really empathise with the deepness of your pain...
Goodluck with your walk with Paula in the week, because it certainly helps chatting to someone who knows exactly where you are coming from...
All the best...
love astridxxx


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## jess p

Really wishing you lovely ladies all the luck in the world!

The age thing is just SO cruel, especially as the way you look on the outside is often nothing like the way your reproductive system has aged. 

I keep seeing women who I know look older than me either pregnant or with young babies.  While it's great for them it just seems so unfair to me.    

Good luck to all of you, I really hope you get the results you're looking for.

Jess x


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## booboo40

Hi Astrid/Jess & Paula....
well went back to work today and actually walked to work to start shifting some of this weight that I accumulated from somewhere. I must have been the only person in the room glad to be back after Easter and it was such a hectic day, that I've had no time to feel sorry for myself !

I seem to have this thing about feeling good about myself again - guess it's kinda like being dumped I suppose and waking up one day wanting to feel positive. You guys posting back to me over the weekend made me feel not so alone and hugely relieved that I have people to talk to and we all know how much that means at times like this. DH's and DP's mean well, but I guess there are just some things that a girl can't share with them as she needs another female to chat with.

I hope I get the chance to chat with all of you at some point - and please let me know if there is any advice I can help you with at any time.

Sounds cheesy but bless all of you :}

Caz


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## jess p

Good for you! Glad you're feeling a bit better.

My DP is a diamond but he just doesn't understand my need to talk about the same old things!!

He calls it "Fertility Fuc$ers"!! Charming! & gets a bit annoyed if I'm on here for too long!

Jess x


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## astrid

hi caz
I am glad that today went well, and that you feel positive..Its hard to get up and make yourself feel brightet, but hey that shows strength of character..I hope to chat to you sometime....you sound a real sincere person....
Jess you made me laugh, thats the sort of thing my dh would come out with......umm they can get a bit jeolous at times, hugging the computer to chat to the girls on FF...
Take care
love astridxxx


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## Mrs Nikki

Hi booboo glad you are feeling better, my DP is a bit like Jess's but honestly  this site and talking things out on here helps (all you have do do is read some of my past posts to see its helped me).  The women on here are a godsend and are all here for you.  Hope tooday goes well too xx


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## jess p

DP keeps sneaking up & spying on me - think he might think I'm on a dating site!!!

Hope you all had a good day - I'm feeling really quite chirpy today (not sure why!!)

Jess x


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## Mrs Nikki

Nice to hear you're were chirpy today Jess. lol DP makes comments to see about me talking to men on here etc, then he briefly sees some of the thread titles and runs!!!

*How you doing caz? Any better?*


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## booboo40

Hi Nicki, Jess, Paula and Astrid (hope I didn;t forget anyone). This week has just flown by and has been pretty stressful so have had plenty of other stuff to think about. Now it's the weekend, I seem to get a bit down as soon as I get home - have just got back from the pub having had to sit right next to a young girl with a newborn. Just when I think I'm getting a bit stronger - something comes along to knock me back down again. I know I have to get used to it, but god it hurts. 
Have looked at some of todays' postings (think my DH also finds it weird that I'm on here for so long !!) and there are so many others in a similar situation (age wise/worn-out wise, uncertain - so sad that all these lovely ladies need to go through this again and again :{
Astrid - did you get my IM the other day - wrote this great long one and then the website crashed. (would love to chat some time also) Paula - will be IM u in a mo to say ok for next Sat.
Hope you all have a great weekend 
Luv Caz


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## Mrs Nikki

Aw Caz   it is so tough I know but this site has helped me (my DP thinks I'm mental when I come on here - thats when he isn't jealous of it!) but it does help so please, this weekend, if you are feeling really down, etc just come online, even if it is to type out an angry or sad message - its like being amongst friends, but friends who are in the same boat and understand and my god don't we all need each other when everything else seems to be against us.  

Sending you lots of   baby dust hun xxxx


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## Mrs Nikki

PS: I'm here with my   to try to         your pain away hun x


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## astrid

hi girls
Its strange when you think everything is going alittle better and then wam you get one slap in the face after another. Flipping eck this infertility thing can test the patient of a saint....
Kas i didn't get your im.There is nothing more frustrating than writing a long im and then your computer crashes..I have nearly lost the plot as this has happened to meon numerous occassions.... Thankyou for writing to me with your closest thoughts...
I hope all the Nicki and Jess are ok?...
My friend has just moved across the road from me and then announces by text that she is pregnant. I thought oh know i do not need this on my doorstep. Its sort of invades your space because you get enough of it at family and friends gatherings without seeing your friend come out the door everyday. I have decided to not let it bother me and to be honest i have found away to cope and that is to 'go out the back door instead' ha ha.What i am trying to say is i am going to protect myself as best as possible and deal with it in my own way. If she doesn't like it (as she knows), then we were never that close in the first place...and i suppose that is life... 
I am ok, but i thought i would share my latest bit of 'slap you in the face', when you are trying to be strong talk...i hope you do not mind me saying this...
love astridxxxx


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## Mrs Nikki

Aw Astrid, right I'm here to try to       your pain away.

Back doors can be good can't they but hopefully your friend will have enough sense and heart to try not to rub your nose in it - I say that but having 2 pregnant friends around me at the mo I've done good to kind of use the back door too and avoid them.

Here Astrid, have a   with my  and know that we are all here for you


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## jess p

Sorry to hear about your friend, Astrid.  It's so hard to feel chuffed for them - oh all right, it's IMPOSSIBLE to feel chuffed for them!

Hope today's sunshine has cheered you up!

Jess x


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## astrid

thanks Jess and Nickki
THe back door is quite useful..I had to laugh she is a nurse and so am i and she asked me why don't i do my midwifery training..Bearing in my mind she knows our circumstances. It was at that point i had to laugh and think whats the use of trying to explain. She would never understand. I feel like a weight has been lifted, what the hell stick to people that really care...
Nickki i hope you are ok with your two friends. Remember just think of yourself first as we tend to always think of everyone else. I have got alittle bit better with time and think i can only do so much as we have to protect ourselves...
Well have a great day, its so nice chatting to you...we are now off to take our furry daughter (dog) for a walk, she is a godsend....
Love astrid


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## Mrs Nikki

Glad you are feeling better astrid but IM me if you need a rant.

Totally agree with you though that we think of everyone else before us - my thing is I'll not want to see my pregnant friends then agrere to it as DP wants to see their DP or DHs then I'll get myself in a state and we'll argue 5 mins before we are to go out to see them - we never then go out and DP and I don't talk for days with him thinking I am selfish!!!


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## Mrs Nikki

Caz how was your weekend hun?


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## astrid

hi nikki and girls
Thanks for the offer of ranting, thats really nice of you..I am ok, i am not letting it bother me...hard at times.
I know what you mean about the dh and going to see pg friends, its always a hard one.I don't know if this helps but we both try to take the pressure of each other and compromise. I never normally want to go, but he wants to keep the peace. I have now come to the stage of saying if i need to go home then i will and i don't care what anyone thinks. Sometimes its the pressure that gets you in a state and the thought of having to go. If you do not feel forced you tend to relax alittle and you feel more in control...hey the things we do......
How are you Caz, i hope alittle better...i hope to hear from you soon..
love astridxxx


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## booboo40

Hi Astrid, Nicki, Paula and  Jess, sorry for not replying sooner - been out for the last couple of nights so tonite has been my first chance to come back on. Astrid - I will IM you again sometime soon so we can chat - thanks to all of you for your thoughts.... sounds like you're having a rough time with the neighbour  :{
Finally got chance to talk to my Mum about it all on Tuesday night. I hadn't told her about the last cycle as she was no help at all first time round (can't bear anything medical so had a really hard time coping with what we went through) but she was sad that it hadn't worked and when I told her that we were considering giving up trying, she was brilliant (which was such a surprise). I managed to get a lot off my chest to her and went to bed feeling less guilty about not providing them with a grandchild, which is something that's been bugging me for months (especially the sense of "failing"). Did anyone else have those feelings too ?
I have to admit, I am leaning towards not putting myself through it again. Part of me wants to go back to the clinic to find out what they have to say, but part of me doesn't. We have done ICSI twice, so other than upping the drugs I can't see what else they can do (other than a blastocyst transfer)
There are also lots of opportunities coming up at work, which has given me a lot to think about as well. DH kinda wants to know what my thoughts are now, but I stil find it difficult to talk to him about it all (which is not like us at all as usually we have no problem).
Anyways, I feel a bit brighter as the week has gone on... I even had my nose pierced at the weekend, just to cheer myself up - how mad was that huh ?
Good to hear how you are all feeling, happy thoughts to all of you and if any of you ever want to IM me feel free. Sorry to waffle so much.
Love Caz xx


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## jess p

Hi Caz,

Yes, having your nose pierced was mad! i had my belly button done about 7 years ago in the days when I was single & skinny as a rake.  Now I'm a lot bigger it has "popped" out & I didn't get round to having it done again!

Glad things went well with your mum.  I know exactly how you feel about the grandchildren thing - I'm adopted & an only child, my parents are now M 66 & D 73, so not getting any younger.  I feel so bad about the grandchildren thing but they keep saying it doesn't matter.  I'm sure it does deep downthough.

M & D are friends with my future MIL & she keeps taking her grandchildren round to M&D's & they love it! Makes me feel bit sad though.

Still, there's not a lot I can do about it.

I'm glad you've got work to focus on.  Try really hard to talk to your DH, he must be wondering what's going on in your head - especially as you've just had your nose pierced!!  

Hi to everybody else - hope you're all doing well.

Jess x


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## Mrs Nikki

Hi Caz - Glad the chat with your mum went well 

With making a decision don't rush it - there is nothing so urgent a decision needs to be made now so just mill it over for a while. I find snap decisions come with regrets and 'what ifs'.

Waffle as much as you want, if it helps its a good thing.

How you doing Astrid ?

Hi Jess - you are sounding a little more +ve


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## astrid

hi caz, jess and nikki
How are you girls?
So good to read your message Caz it sounds as if you got alot of your chest with your mum. Its really hard to be honest and you feel so vulnerable, but when you have done it, it is quite a relief. Boy don't we have to battle with all sorts of things when we go through IF. You lucky thing getting your nose pierced i am jeolous i have wanted to do that for years. Like Jess i opted for the belly button. Both dh and i wanted to feel pain a few years ago so he had both his nipples done at the same time...ha ha.
Jess i have just read what you had said and i know a girl in a similiar situation as yourself. I asked her how she got through all these emotions of not beable able to have children. She was also adopted, but she explained to me that her parents could realate to that feeling of guilt not beable to have her own children. She has now gone onto adopt three children and her life is fulfilled as well as her own parents. (i hope you don't mind me saying all of this)? But hey we are all different but its so healthy that we can share our points of view..
How are you Nikki?i hope well....
love astridxxx
p.s we have just been away to the coast and had a real good time for a couple of days. Flipping freezing though..


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## Mrs Nikki

Hi Astrid, I'm having a half and half day 

This morning had appt with new GP who finally, had a brain cell and is sending me to start all the investigations I need, ect which is great as had been getting no where so sooooooo happy with that, on the flip side me and DP meeting DP's best mate in an hour or so - his fiance is pg and I have avoided both of them since DP told me as her getting pg hurt me so much, but meeting with her fiance for quick drink and apparently she had her first scan yesterday - all is good so now they are making it official - which is great for them but not looking forward to this quick drink - hoping it will just be a drink or two and thats it and as far as I know its just him - but I know it'll end up being her too and my DP is just not telling me - mustering all the strength I can right now but my head is going looney.

Sorry betcha wasn't expecting that - just needed to get it out!  It probably doesn't make sense either!


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## astrid

hi nikki
firstly i really pleased that the Consultant has finally had a brain storm and that he is moving you in the right direction. So this is a positive bit of news today. You deserve it..
The second thing, i can really understand why you would find it so hard to meet up with your friends. I think our Dh's try and sweep things under the carpet and try to move on with life (not that they do not feel the pain, i hope you don't think i meant anything by that). But we on the other hand, feel this emotional pain that runs so deep i think that only a woman would really understand this..
I know i cannot say 'do a runner', which i would probably be thinking about at this present moment. But i also think you have to protect yourself. Is there anyway you can ask your Dh to have quiet word with them that 'you find it hard' to discuss the finer details. I was put in that situation a year ago and i just asked the questions got the niceties out of the way and then just switched off. (Nikki, if they were real friends they wouldn't hopefully go on to much about it)..
I think Nikki you have had it tough and have experienced pain and loss that not everyone could deal with it. So i think you are brave and if you get upset whilst you are there 'who cares', thats how you feel and its only normal. I really feel for you, its all about acting and putting on a brave face...
I hope it gets better. I hope you do not take this the wrong way..My reflexologist always replies to me when i tell her about a pal getting pg, 'yes, it does hurt astrid, but it is their life, now lets concentrate on you'. When she said this at first i was alittle perturbed, but as time went by it helped me cope with things a bit better and concentrate on us and what is best for us two..I hope that doesn't sound awful..
Goodluck drink a bottle of wine, that works wonders...
thinking of you..
love astridxx


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## Mrs Nikki

Thanks hun x



astrid said:


> My reflexologist always replies to me when i tell her about a pal getting pg, 'yes, it does hurt astrid, but it is their life, now lets concentrate on you'.


I love this.

Already downed 2 glasses of wine and trying to calm myself before DP comes in from work to pick me up - have to stop drinking though to calm myself over this stuff.

Fingers crossed and I think I'll keep repeating what your reflexologist says.

Better go now


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## astrid

hi nikki
Goodluck and keep in there gal....love to hear how you got on..
love astridxxx


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## Mrs Nikki

Handled it ok, on the DP their, at first said hi and congrats and then had to go to the loo to compose myself.  We left after about 2 hours and me and my DP had a heart to heart with my crying an awful lot and woke this morning with badger eyes (DP is trying to understand bless him).  

Our friends are coming round tomorrow for dinner now, be the first time i see her and I know they are bringing round the scan photos but I am going to try and handle it and I am going to be strong, albeit probably a hyperactive monkey!

This weekend has become an emotional rollercoaster I know that!

Will let you know how it goes.  Thanks for caring Astrid.


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## ~*Claire*~

Hi Nikki,
  How are you going the cope at the nottm meet? BitBit is pregnant! Its not fair to expect her not to talk about it and I am sure some of the girls will want to ask her about her pregnancy, Infact I just asked her today to bring along a scan picture to show me cause i find them amazing to look at. 
  I sometimes find it hard  to be around friends who are pregnant , but these people are my friends and I am happy for them and want to support them through what can be a really tough time! Its already been said if they are your friends then they will be sympathetic whilst talking about pregnancy around you, but one day the shoe will be on the other foot and it will be me or you pregnant and wanting to tell the world!
  I know you have had a tough time but try to keep positive! try not to get wound up babe. your day will come again, I am sure you have a lot to give.
  I look forward to meeting you on the 30th, La tasca do some nice cava sangria!!! 
Take care,
Claire, 
x.


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## astrid

hi nikki
Blimey you have had a tough weekend. I admire you in the first place going along and getting through the drink together. I cannot believe that you are going to have dinner today. I think what Claire said is true if they are real friends they will be sympathetic around you.
I still think it is best to be honest with your feelings and that is letting your Dh know how you feel. I know we have to be strong at times and in situations like this we have to find away of coping. If you both understand each other then you are half way there.
I think it is also important that you look after yourself and do what is best for yourself. We all react in different ways and we also have different coping mechanisms. Maybe you need to nurse some of your own emotions as you have had it tough. 
But also some friends are supportive who have children and who are pregnant and they are the ones you want to surround yourself by. Also like Claire said hopefully it will be you one day and you can shout to the world..
love astridxxxx


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## Mrs Nikki

Clare I have never had an issue with bitbit being pregnant and have always been happy for her, I am dying to meet her and her bump - if it will be an issue then I will bow out of the meet.


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## Mrs Nikki

Thanks for your IM Clare - I apologise for jumping to the wrong conclusion


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## ~*Claire*~

No probs Nik! Look forward to the 30th 
Claire.


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