# when to ignore and when to discipline??



## Trina (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi everyone sorry asking for a bit of advice please?
We adopted our gorgeous boy at 22 months and he is three in February. The past few weeks he has started going to nursury as I have had to go back to work!   
This change has obviously unsettled him and he is very tired as they are very long days for him. His behaviour has started to deteriorate because of this. We had started using the naughty spot technique which he responded to really well but last week he had a day where he was constantly been naughty, ie deliberately playing with plug sockets he knows hes not allowed to touch or the oven etc etc. He is actually seeking negative attention and even breaking away from doing something nice like puzzles together to be naughty and to go on the naughty spot. It was hell for both of us so I read about ignoring the behaviour which has definately helped the household be happier and calmer but it feels like lazy parenting to me as I am not punishing bad behaviour so therefore not teaching him anything. I know you should not ignore violent or destructive or dangerous things but ignore everything else but this still doesnt feel right to me. Anyone got any advice on when to ignore and when not to? 
Thanks alot. Trina


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

This is always a difficult one to get right I think and you will get different opinions based on ways of parenting.  The traditional way of parenting would be to punish bad behaviour and the majority of children this parent works for are birth children who have been secure and loved from day 1, know that they are safe and generally learn from the punishment.  

Adopted children, mainly but not all, do not respond to punishment in the same way due to their early experiences and shaky attachments.  Even a child who has been home for years is not likely to be secure enough to cope with this parenting, however, you do have to teach right from wrong.  As this seems triggered by you returning to work it is important that you don't fall into the trap of spending all the time you are with him telling him off.  He is no doubt feeling very unsettled and scared and is trying to show you this through his behaviour.

Unless LO is doing something dangerous or unkind to others I would try to ignore the behaviour, remove them from the situation if its something dangerous or unkind, distract where possible and go OTT on praise for the good behaviour (no matter how small).  The more you can ignore the better really.  Instead of the naughty spot/step/chair try using time in with a simple explanation of them not being able to do X safely/nicely at the moment so they need to stay close to Mummy/Daddy, but don't interact with them, just sit calmly (or stand of our in a shop) holding their hand for a few minutes to help regulate them again.  If you do use time out don't send them out of the room, stay within sight otherwise that could esculate the deregulation or sense of self hate.  Many adopted children don't feel 'good enough' and being punished re-enforces this.

I could go on but have to get LOs lunch.  There are some good books out there, one of which is Dan Huges Attachment focused parenting, which are worth reading.

OT x


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## Trina (Jan 17, 2008)

That is fantastic thank you so much for your help and advice. Totally spot on and things are alot better and more relaxed now.
Thanks again x


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi Trina

Thanks for posting this as we are going through something similar. Our lo is 20months and been with us for a year   I am back to work soon and she has been having settling in at nursery. Once she got back from nursery yesterday she was going back to do things she knows she is not allowed too. I was getting really upset and frustrated by her behaviour and of course she picked up on it. I know it is going to be difficult until we adjust into new routine. 

Old Timer your advice is great thanks and will start to apply it 

xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I would avoid punishing.  Consequences that are a natural result of behaviour are one thing, but actively punishing, especially naughty step and time out which put them away from you, certainly do not work with my daughter and cause far more problems than they sort out.  I think this is especially likely to be the case if the cause of the behaviour is him being away from you.  Perhaps he's trying to see what he has to do for you to get rid of him entirely?  Maybe he's punishing you for leaving him because he's finding it hard.

Have you tried giving him a big cuddle and telling him you can tell he's having a bad day.  Babying him lots and doing things for him.  Not taking what he's doing too seriously.  Works for us.  Tends to get a big fight to start with, but then works in the long run.  God knows punishments don't with the big stuff.  It often feels like that sort of a response with Wyxling reinforces her opinion that she's bad, and she's going to be more bad.  Little stuff we use consequences for, if it's a very natural consequence, but on the whole, it just doesn't work with Wyxling if the behaviour is as a result of upset.  She has a definite attachment to us, but it isn't secure, and therefore we can't parent as most people do.

I'm absolutely sure I've posted about this in more detail before but can't find where, if you want me to elaborate I will do, but 4 days into placement of no 2 I'm not going to hammer on about something if it's not for you!

Our daughter is 2 1/2, but quite advanced for her age in most ways, except emotionally.  Emotional development is quite seriously delayed.  She was placed at 18 1/2 months.

Best wishes, I hope you find something that works for you.

Wyxie xx


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