# New to FF and struggling to deal with my brother expecting



## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi All,

As many others here, I'm new to FF but not to TTC. It's been a long old road! But we carry on down it and try to stay positive.

What has been really difficult though is finding out (just before our second IUI appointment) that my brother and his girlfriend are expecting. They were terrified to tell us which makes it worse and it's really knocked me for six!

I've always been very positive and very pragmatic about our situation and treatment and have always been open and honest with people about it. However, this situation has brought out a lot of negative feelings and emotions for me and DH that we haven't experienced on our journey so far.

The tough part is that I'm the eldest and have been married for 3 1/2 years and TTC for the same length of time. He's been with his girlfriend for a little over a year and whilst they weren't actively trying, they weren't being careful. 

I just feel torn up by the injustice of it all really, I have so many things in my head, 'it should have been us', 'it should have been us giving my parents their first grandchild', 'we should be able to be delighted for them, but are really struggling', 'this has added extra pressure on to us and our treatment because the baby race is now on', 'what if it's never us and we have to go through this with all of our friends and family as they start having children', 'my parents are delighted that they're going to be grandparents but can't talk to me about it because it upsets me', 'how will we feel when the baby arrives if we're not expecting'.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or experience in this? Or simply some kind understanding words really, because it's really left us feeling like we're all alone with this now. It didn't help that the grand announcement and 12 week scan came over Christmas and made us really feel like the ones putting the downer on everything! We really just want to hide from everyone at the moment  .

Look forward to hearing from you x


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## anicca79 (Sep 29, 2012)

Mrs Fox,

In answer to your question, no I don't have any experience of this but I couldn't read and run without saying how sorry I am about your painful situation. We are at the very beginning of our journey and who knows how difficult or easy it may be - but my sister has a little one already who is adored and came easily.

I guess for us the expectation has always been a bit different since I came out but I do understand extreme jealousy at family members and friends getting pregnant so easily and carelessly and I see what family pressure can be like for friends of mine with the whole grandchild race thing. We have the opposite issue in that my dad isn't supportive of us trying for kids because of our unusual family, which is painful in a very different way. My heart goes out to you both and I hope you find the strength to move on and look after each other x


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hello Mrs Fox,

I just wanted to send a   and to let you know that you are not alone, there are many people on this site with similar situations. The support here is fantastic and I know you'll hear some kind words, you've come to the right place.   

My experience is different, but some similarities. I am the eldest and my younger sister got pregnant when we were first TTC, it was early days for us and so although I had this huge sadness inside me, that it wasn;t me and for all the reasons you have said. I still remember vividly that conversation...... It was maybe a bit easier for us, as we didn't know for sure that there were any issues for us. Also we hadn't got married and my sister had, so in a way no-one assumed that it would be us first. 

Now we have test results, and have started the IVF journey I find it harder to deal with the pregnancy announcements and sometimes we do hide away, I am torn between excitement that we may be joining them and holding back from the optimism in case it doesn't work.

I know it is a bit early for you to hear, so I hope it doesn't hurt you for me to say, but the joy I get from my little nephew and now a new niece really is for me one of my blessings, they are wonderful help me get through all of this, and I love my sister and BIL so much for being so unselfish and sharing them. 

In the end we have to believe that our dreams will come true, many ladies on this site have wonderful stories to give us hope.

Lots of love to you and lots of luck for your journey.


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## 2708belle (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi Mrs Fox,

I completely understand your feelings. They are perfectly natural and don't make you a bad person, just human! 

It is really hard to see people who seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat (even the ones we love) when you're doing all the 'right' things to try and get pregnant without much success. If you can, try to stay positive, be kind to yourself and just remember you're not alone in this.

With hugs and very best wishes


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

and welcome to Fertility Friends   

FF is a lifeline for everyone and anyone, seeking support, information and lasting friendship whilst going through fertility issues. FF members are fantastic listeners when when family, friends, doctors and sometimes even partners just don't "get" what you're going through and feeling.

I've included some forum boards that may help answer some of your questions   
Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please ask and we'll do our best to guide you.

*Diagnosis ~ *Click Here

*IUI Board ~ *Click Here

*IVF Boards ~ *Click Here

*Male Factors ~ *Click Here

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. CLICK HERE

FF's chat room is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works: 
*Newbie chat ~ *Click Here

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.

Good luck,

  

Tis xx


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## rumbelina (Dec 6, 2012)

Hi, 

I can completely understand how you are feeling and just wanted to say don't feel bad about it - it's completely natural and understandable. 

In our 4 years ttc we have unfortunately lost 5 babies and in that time I have also lost 3 friends - purely because I've felt unable to stay in contact with them when they've got pregnant and had babies of their own - this is something that I completely regret but unfortunately can't bring myself to change. 
I have a step daughter which has also proved a challenge and there have been many times when I've thought I just can't carry on and must accept it is never going to happen for me, but really that's not an option so we just carry on - feelings of bitterness and jealousy (not nice words but the only ones I can honestly use to describe it) are completely normal in this highly emotional journey .. 

The only advice I can give is to be honest with your brother about how you are feeling but make sure he knows you are happy for him .. in my experience if you don't have a conversation about it and avoid the subject it can get awkward. And don't feel guilty at all about how you are feeling .. it is completely normal!

If you ever feel like you want a rant feel free to message me x


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## Firerayne (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Mrs Fox,
I completely understand as I'm going through the exact same thing! Last year we had treatments and were told very matter of factly by the doctors we have no sperm and will never have our own children. We were devastated leading to me being off work for 6 weeks and my hubby was also devastated. I was just starting to pull myself together when his brother and his girlfriend announce they're expecting. I sobbed for two days, my mother in law ranted at us got not being as happy "as she was" my reply to that was well you're not infertile! People can be so insensitive! And like yourself they hadn't been together long and they said they'd also gone for tests and were told they'd struggle. The fact they kept it secret then had problems and overcame it all just felt like a bigger kick to the gut. I hate myself for hating them but can't help it. I was starting to deal until their first scan and that's when I joined this site. Currently off work again and back to square one! So I totally get you. Although my hubby is close to his bro his mum has always played favourites and its making him feel even less of a son due to her ways of dealing with it. She shows us no support and treat them like royalty. Sorry if I sound so bitter I'm still reeling xx  well all get through this together x hugs 
Firerayne xx


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## immie84 (Mar 17, 2011)

Hi mrs fox

I can totally understand we're you are coming from. We started a natural cycle of iui in September 2011 which was abandoned due to follies not playing ball! We tried again using clomid which ended in a chemical pregnancy and so I decided to take a year out. In that space of time most mine and DH's friends who didn't have fertility problems where getting pregnant left right and centre, I got to the point where I thought I would have a break down if one more of those people said that they know how hard it is cos they had to come off the pill and it would take a while and those that said they weren't even trying!! It was around this time that I joined this site and it was the best thing I ever did, on here speaking to people who understand I felt like I wasn't alone. Sending you   and   for us all to get that BFP at some point which I do believe will happen. We are all here for support xx


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## Missy122 (Jan 8, 2011)

First of all massive hugs  

I got married June 2009 as well and have been ttc since then   so I know how you feel. We are about to start our first round of pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis with ICSI due to my hubby having a very low sperm count and a genetic condition he is carrier of. Both of which we found out whilst we having fertility tests.

I must admit I do struggle with pregnancy announcements, scan photo's on face book etc etc. I would distance myself so much from people and have pushed people away because of this.

Last year my best friend told me she was pregnant (even though they weren't even trying) and although I was happy for her, a part of me was very jealous and I had to put on a smily face every time I saw her even though inside it was killing me. Then when she was 21 weeks, her waters broke and unfortunately the baby didn't survive. I cannot tell you how devastating that was, of course I never wished that on anyone, doesn't matter how many babies someone has no one should go through that. 

So my best friend is expecting again, she's currently 12 weeks and I'm over the moon for them both and can't wait for the baby to be here so I can be Aunty Miss  

Some times is takes something awful to happen to see the bigger picture. Yes it is hard when someone close announces they are having a baby, but fingers and toes crossed for us all having difficulties that one day we'll have our time


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hello Ladies!

Thank you so much for all your kind words and heartfelt support. It really means a lot to know not only are there people out there who understand, but people who really empathise with our situation.

The hugs are all very gratefully received! As is all the advice.

Missy, I'm so sorry for your friend's loss and so pleased that all is going well this time around. I would be devastated if anything happened to my brother's little one.

Thank you Immie. I pray for you (and me) that our follies start playing ball as soon as possible!!

Firerayne, you don't sound bitter at all. You seem to be going through all the same thoughts and feelings as me. We're not bad people, life is just a bit unfair at times.

Rumbelina, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how painful that must be for you. And to lose friends too must make it even harder. I too have lost a friend since the beginning of our journey, unfortunately not because I pushed her away but because she felt that her having children and me not was too difficult for her. She apologised when she told me she was pregnant both times which was hard to take but I was nothing but happy for her, but she withdrew anyway because I don't think she knew what to say to me. But you're right and I will take your advice to be honest with my brother, our relationship is too important to me to let it go. Thank you and good luck!

Thetis, thank you for the welcome! I can already see that FF is going to be a great source of support to me and DH. I already feel more positive about things with the support and advice that seems to be so forthcoming, so thank you for letting me join.

Belle, thank you for the wishes and the welcome. We are all human but I guess we need to be a bit super human with everything we have to go through. Good luck to you too!


Thank you YogaBunny, that is exactly how we feel too. Each month we're filled with optimism and hope, and each month our hopes get dashed so I think we need to be a bit more measured and reserved with our hopes. Thank you and I'm sure when their little bundle arrives, it will be hard but it will be wonderful too! I just hope we're a little further along our path by then. Good luck to you!

Thank you Annica. I'm sorry for your situation too, it must be hard not to have that support. I hope that your journey is speedy and unproblematic. Good luck with everything!

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and kind words. Wishing you all lots of love, luck and sticky baby dust!xxx


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## Firerayne (Jan 4, 2013)

Mrs Fox, I am always available for the time you need to just let out the feelings x


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## Ballboy (Mar 11, 2012)

Mrs_Fox said:


> Hi All,
> 
> As many others here, I'm new to FF but not to TTC. It's been a long old road! But we carry on down it and try to stay positive.
> 
> ...


Hi

I am going through the EXACT same scenario. I've been TTC for 2 1/2 years, I'm the eldest and my younger brother who is 6 years younger is pregnant with his girlfriend. Its hard!!!! Especially when they tell you on the day before ET and you work out dates and if we were successful on this cycle then our kids would be 2 weeks apart. I had to endure everyone being over the moon for my brother at Xmas while I was on a 2ww.

It is really unfair. Infertility is ****. BUT, I am thankful that it is me and not him. I know that me and my BF are stronger and have the finances and maturity to deal with this. He's never had good luck in his life (mostly his own doing) but in a really weird way I'm glad its me. I have the faith that I'll get there eventually.

I was on holiday with friends from NZ last summer and babysat their little girl. She was attempt number 7 after 1 failed IVF, OHSS and 6 FET's. Expensive and tiring but with some determination we'll get there.

Stay away from your brother til you get your head around things (I am!!!) and focus on making 2013 the year you get preggers and then your kids will have cousins close in age xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Mrs Fox
just to add my two cent's worth:
My older cousin is the eldest of 4 girls.

Her younger sister got pregnant at 24, when she was 27 and their other sisters were 26 and 15.
Ever since then, my cousin was desperate for a baby. She finally found herself in the right relationship, only to lose a baby at seven months pregnant!
Then that first sister had another baby and her other sister also had two children... That was very hard for my cousin, especially as she was the eldest!
But miraculously, she and her DH then had a little boy (naturally) a few years later.

They tried for a sibling and eventually had IVF, which didn't work. The doctors actually told her that her eggs were no good...
Then she got pregnant naturally once more, and sadly suffered another miscarriage.

Her youngest sister (by now 25) then had a baby too...!
However, last summer, my older cousin gave birth to her darling baby daughter! Their family is now complete and they are very, very happy.

What I meant to tell you with this story is, that you don't know what you may need to go through to have your family, and it can seem totally hopeless at times, but that it's a rollercoaster. You may feel like jumping off, but if you stick with it, hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

I also had problems with friends/colleagues announcing pregnancies etc, but I managed to get to the point of just being happy for them after an initial 'grieving' period for my own situation. The point is, you're doing something about it and it's only a question of time until something works - don't fall out with friends and family over it, as you will want them in your baby's life in the future!
Good luck xx


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Firerayne said:


> Mrs Fox, I am always available for the time you need to just let out the feelings x


Thanks Firerayne, back at you  xx


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks Broodychick and Ballboy! It's really nice to hear that there are others going through these things too, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm so pleased I found this site and the support on offer. It's invaluable! Good luck on your journeys xx


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## Kamryn1626 (Jan 7, 2013)

Hi mrs fox

I was in a similar situation a while back my beautiful niece is now 15 month I'm the eldest and married 4 and half year now. My niece is the first grandchild! 

We had seriously thought about TTC for well over a year but wanted to make sure we were emotionally and financially ready. Married with job security and a suitable home for a baby! too much time thinking and planning.....i realise now!!!! 
By the time we started trying we were desperate to get pregnant no messing around straight onto frolic acid and cut back alcohol and all the rest that goes along with it! After only 3 months my brother announced him and his girlfriend of 19 were expecting.....an accident! Hubby and I were devastated I honestly couldn't look at them for months! Torn with being happy and gutted was torture! 

The minute my niece was born It mostly all went away I just loved her so much! I was an am still envious and I was so worried I would never be happy with the situation and terrified I would ruin our relationship because of my jealousy!!! Thankfully it vanished the minute I seen her and how proud I was of the two of them for being the best they could be! I still have moments when I think this is just so unfair but a big hug from niece makes it all a bit better! 
  
I think creating a bond with my niece was key to making my situation better! I'm sure it's different for everyone. Good luck x


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## keldan89 (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi Mrs Fox  

OMG! I could have written your post! That was me exactly a year ago! Just before Xmas 2011 my younger bro & SIL came round with our Xmas card & gave me another envelope. Inside the envelope was their scan picture which is how they told everyone. I was devastated. DH was out & I cried all night until I had no more tears left.   they only got married may 2011 but have been together the same amount of time as me & DH. 

About half an hour after they left my mum called to check on me (we had told her the year before about our problems Ttc since 2005) & she was crying too.  She had known since 6wks & felt terrible. My older sis also rang me crying, she had problems Ttc to start with. After i felt so bad & guilty that no one was as happy as they should be becos of our problems. IF is so unfair & difficult for everyone.

DH was really good & spoke to my bro (they are good friends) about how he told us & how it had upset me. But I guess my bro was too excited as half way thru the pg he text me 3d images of a scan without any warning. DH & my dad had a proper strop at him for that! I won't lie, the pg was difficult for me to cope with especially as I have bump envy. I has a cry before we went to the hospital when he was born but he was so cute. It still pulls at my heart strings to see my little bro as a dad & us still struggling but I babysit sometimes & try to be as involved as I can cope with. I just hope they aren't planning on having any more anytime soon    I think that would be too much!

We also had my BIL 20 y/o girlfriend annoyce their pg back in June so have that to cope with too! Another niece/nephew before us! You know what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  

Just think how loved & wanted your little one will be when it arrives! If you wanna pm me anytime in happy to talk  

Kel
Xx


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## Nicki2013 (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi im new to ff  
I completely understand where your coming from my sister in law has just had another beautiful baby girl thats sixth in total for her,  my other sister in law found out she was 5 weeks pregnant during my 2ww that will be her 4th, and then 10 days later my cousin gave birth to her first baby and now my niece is due in 2 days


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Kamryn,

Thanks for your message. I know, we were the same waiting to be married, to have a big enough house and to make sure we could afford it. Perhaps we should have just got drunk and done it, seems to work for a lot of people  .

Good luck with your journey, it's tough but we'll get through it because the outcome would / could be so wonderful xx


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Kel,

Thanks for getting in touch. I know, that's one of the biggest parts of the problems is the guilt we have that we might be spoiling it for people. And when people find out who know about our situation, they immediately feel the need to comfort us which is lovely but is making the situation all about us which isn't fair on anyone. The flip side of that is those that don't know, make helpful comments like 'Isn't it about time you two got your skates on'! But then I'm sure we've all had those! A lot of the time I find myself almost comforting other people who say to me 'It will happen for you' and I'm saying 'Yes I'm sure you're right' when I'm not sure at all, but it makes them feel better to hear!

Good luck with your journey and back at you, if you need to talk I'm here!xx


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Nicki,

Welcome fellow newbie . That must be tough! Good luck with it all xx


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## melbash (Oct 31, 2012)

Hi Mrs Fox 

I totally understand how you feel....

We have been not careful since 5 yrs ago and ttc for 4... and still no luck and last yr found out his sister got pregnant and it tore me apart but kept a brave face.. and she randomly got pregnant without trying with a bf who she was with for a month or so... no sight of bf now...
I think my problem is I bottle everything up no one knows what I am going through except random breakdowns I started having last yr...saw a cousellor said i need to tell family friends how i feel so started sharing with a close few which made me feel better....

all my friends have had kids keep asking when I am due... I just keep saying i want to concentrate on career basically I lie... 

I started first day of bureselin injection 31/12/12.. after 4 yrs of doctors etc finally on route......


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Mel,

I think you're right, we do need to stop bottling things up! I've decided to sit down with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend this weekend and tell them exactly how we're feeling. I want them to understand that we're so happy for them, but heartbroken for us and it will take time for us to get used to the idea.

It's just one of those things that is no-one's fault, but needs to be dealt with.

Good luck, thinking of you x


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## melbash (Oct 31, 2012)

Hey mrs fox

I had an issue where I was not even sharing with my hubby or my sister or my closest friends but now I did share and not have spontaneous break downs any more... think i still am in a unhealthy stage as trying to be positive and border-ling denial..

Hope you are doing good... 

What stage are you in?


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm ok thanks Mel. 

Think I'm in a combination of stages, when we were going through it all without my brother's pregnancy I thought we were coping pretty well although it was tough at times. But then when they made their first announcement, it was like my whole world crumbled. 

Then we got used to the idea again, but then they made their formal announcement last week and l'm not joking, literally 5 mins after they posted it on ******** I got my AF. Typical hey? So that kind of put us back to square one a bit, which was why I came on here. We're still really struggling, but lots of people have advised to talk to my family about how we feel, so we're going to do that. 

We've got an open evening with a private clinic next week, so hopefully that will mean some good news for us soon!

Hope you can start to cope and come to terms with things soon, it's hard I know. Lots of love xxx


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## melbash (Oct 31, 2012)

mrs fox;

good luck with your appointment.... hope it goes well for you...

I am hoping to try to do reflexology to calm my self down to help ease this process... Also was adviced to do hypnotherapy coz i dont like injecting my self and hubby does it... i am going to try to do some relaxation for my self and see how things go...

this is my first attempt at this and i am new to all ligo s but learning 

hang in there... x


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks Mel! The reflexology is amazing, is really relaxing and helps moods. I've heard acupuncture is lovely too, but haven't tried that yet.

xx


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