# Normal feelings?



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I was going to add this to Tinkerbell's thread below, but didn't want to hijack it.

So, I have my HSG tomorrow, and DH and I are off to see our consultant next Monday. I just cannot stop worrying. Like, what if we're not strong enough to get through treatment? What if it works? What if it doesn't work? What if, after our consultation, we don't want to go further? What if one of us does, and the other doesn't? What if we do one cycle of IVF/ICSI (which doesn't work) and we don't want to continue? What if one of us wants to and the other doesn't? What if DH and I end up resenting the treatment? What if we end up separating? What if treatment works and I have a horrible pregnancy? What if I have an awful labour? What if I'm an awful mum because I'm such a worrier? What if DH leaves me because I am a constant worrying mess? What if treatment works and then in a few years when we have a little one in first school DH finds it hard to cope (he'll be 55 then). 

I go round and round in circles, feeling like I am going slowly more crazy, then worrying more because feeling like this is not exactly a helpful attitude when going into treatment, is it? 

When I'm not feeling like this I love my DH and being with him, and I know that a baby wouldn't make things better, but different. Enhance what we have. I don't know if I'm saying the right thing here, I'm trying to say that if we couldn't ever have a child I would stay with him. Then I think that maybe I don't want a baby enough if I am thinking that, and why am I putting us through all this if we would be alright as just the two of us...

And then I'll be making a cup of tea in the kitchen, looking out the window, see a neighbour go past with a baby in a pram and think "ooh, that's a nice pram, maybe we could have one like that", and these little thoughts about a future with a baby pop up now and again, through all the worry, like a little light in a dense fog.

My DH is brilliant, and listens when I talk to him, and gives me a cuddle, but I don't want to have a cry on his shoulder every night - it will wear him out, it could wear us out. 

Sorry ladies, I just needed to get all that off my chest, and see if it is normal to feel like this. I am wondering if I am so scared of failure or losing my DH that there's a part of me trying to frighten myself out of doing anything.

Thanks for reading


----------



## Cay23 (Jan 12, 2011)

Wow, that's a lot of what-if's but you'll be relieved to know that it's perfectly normal to have all these thoughts. Infertility is a struggle through many major personal life issues and can play a huge part in our lives, even in many cases taking over our lives. But we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and somehow we do get through the journey bit by bit. And that's how I've learnt to cope with it - bit by bit, day by day. The big picture can seem so overwhelming that the only way I get by is by breaking it into smaller chunks - what will happen this week will impact on next week, so I have to just focus on this week. I think about the serenity prayer: "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I try to keep a daily journal of 5 positive things that have happened that day and I use relaxation techniques to try to reduce the stress. I make sure I am as healthy as I can be by looking after myself the best I can, physically and emotionally so that I can be prepared for whatever challenges lie ahead.

Good luck with your HSG and I hope your infertility journey is a short one.

xx


----------



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thanks Cay, I've chilled out a lot this afternoon. I think what's not helping is I've had a week off my regular exercise classes through a hula-hooping injury (!) - and we all know how good those endorphins are for us 

I use a meditation app and have recently been using lots of "coping skills" learned from a counsellor previously, so I know when I am getting a bit, you know, crazy  

Thank you for replying and making me realise I am normal. Day by day is the way to go - that's how my DH sees it. I need to be more like him!

Thank you


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

totally normal. and the what if's don't magically vanish at any point.... you just have to learn to try and ignore them. when we are in situations where everything is out of our hands, those evil 'what if's' just sneak right in...

I have a million 'what if's' going around in my head like planes waiting to land.... just have to try and take it all one day at a time....


----------



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hello I wouldn't mind at all you adding to be thread   and that post I could have written myself to a t. I've had thoughts like that constantly and it is normal after everything we've been through. All of my panics turned to big worries and I couldn't deal with it anymore I felt I was pushing my partner away because I was scared of loosing him and I thought if I pushed him it would be easier ....sounds weird right. So I decided to see a counsellor and it's been great she helping me to become more positive and how to speak to my partner and be less of a worrier. I felt myself been happy when I'm with him and then I'd stop and think we might not be like this next year . What if I loose him? What if he has enough of all the fertility problems? What if after going through all this and I do have a beautiful baby and he leaves? So so many silly thoughts. Talking to him didn't help because no matter what he said I'd still get the thoughts. I still get them now and I'll jot them on paper and leave them and when I come back to them I think why on earth did I think that....but weeks later those worries were straight back. It's so hard and a coping mechanism is what we need I'm still in the middle of counselling at the minute so havnt found mine   I hope yourfeeling better very soon xx


----------



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi,

It's so good to know that feeling this way is normal, even if it's not very nice! At least that is one worry I can let go now  

I am feeling good today, after a good HSG scan - I didn't realise how much it was weighing on me until afterwards.

I know I have mentioned it somewhere on these forums before, but I have used a book called "The Happiness Trap" before - actually, only halfway through it, and haven't used it for months - which is great. It teaches you that it's ok to be sad, to have worries and thoughts which can put you in a sad/bad mood or even downright frighten you - it's how we deal with them that's important. It's taught me that, even though a thought, which then turns into a feeling, makes you feel upset (even depressed) - it is just that - a thought. A tricky wave to ride, which will pass. Sometimes it will pass in an hour, sometimes a day or two, sometimes a fortnight (my worst-case). Sometimes, just knowing that that thought will pass brings relief, even if it's only 10%!

I've found that practical things help me when I am in a really bad worry/panic - something to engage brain and body. So, my exercise class, or cooking something yummy (always accompanied by my fave songs in the kitchen, which also helps) or making something (I've got a sewing machine and a stash of fabric, threads and buttons) - all help. I tend to try and stay away from the computer because I end up mooching on Google for, like, hours, then I get cross with myself because I feel like I've wasted time, which then adds to whatever worries I have on that day!

Huge hugs to all us worriers          

Life's a struggle at the best of times, but this extra pressure tests us to the extreme.

I've just taken a bit of paper from the Bad Day Jar my friend gave me to help anyone who's finding today a tough day. Her advice is:

You are never fully dressed without a smile. Go and sing songs from Annie.

(Must admit, I've never seen Annie, so I sing songs from Hairpsray instead!)
xx


----------



## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hello

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I certainly felt like this when I was diagnosed. But luckily for me I managed to find done coping mechanisms and get it under control fairly quickly. Although naturally I still have my bad days! 

You just need to try and find what works for you. 

For me personally two things really helped. 
Exercise. I exercise 5-6 days a week now and feel great as a result. And I'm certain those happy hormones are contributing to this!

Secondly, I made a long list of various positive quotes or poems. Anything I liked really that made me feel good or hopeful. 
I read these whenever I need a lift. At the beginning after diagnosis I would literally be reading them every 20 min throughout the day! And gradually that's become less and less. 

But we all deal with things in different ways I guess. This is what helped me. I hope you can find your own coping mechanisms 
X

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine or obsess. Breathe and have faith everything will work out for the best.


----------



## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Clairerianne

Years ago I used to go to a yoga session once a week, I really enjoyed it but the class was on a night that I often had to work late.  I started to turn up late or miss sessions and then I decided to join a gym so that I could choose when I exercised.

I love the gym and swimming and it is so handy to be able to pop in when I have a bit of free time but since starting treatment and particularly after the mmc, I felt that although I was doing a lot for my body in terms of fitness I needed something a bit more.  I then decided to go back to the yoga sessions and for once make it a priority to go each week.  I'm so glad I did, I feel it balances me and helps to focus my mind.  My teacher is fantastic, she is aware of my situation and has lots of little tips for relaxation, breathing, meditation style techniques etc.  I'm also becoming increasingly interested in the spiritual side of it too.

I can honestly say that the best nights sleep I've had have been after a yoga session.

Take care everyone

Dory
xxx


----------

