# A deep breath



## Minimilks (Sep 28, 2009)

Hello lovely folks

Yes, I am assuming you are all lovely.

I thought I would say hello. I'm Minimilks. I'm in my early 30s and I am two years in the clear of cancer. Yay me!

During my first year of treatment I had IVF with my partner to make sure I had a chance at hatching some chicks of my own once I beat the hell out of cancer. We were 1000% sure we'd stay together. So we froze embryos. We made a fabulous frozen dozen (I am so proud of them, even in frozen state, that is makes me a bit teary to type that).

Anyway life doesn't go as you plan. I suppose we all know that. My 1000% sure partner left me last December. I was lost, still am a bit. He moved on, as they tend to do. Leaving me and the dozen and not much else.

Anyway despite the usual 'stay friends' thing he hasn't. So I am here because I am worried. Very worried. I want to pick people's brains to find out what happens if the "Of course I'd never stand in the way of you defrosting them." turns into something even sadder than him leaving me. If there is maybe a road I can go down where he can just give them to me legally and then walk away.

If anyone could shove me in the direction of the right place to ask, or person to ask, or a thread that has been started and solved already I'd really appreciate it.

I'm not sure anyone in my unvirtual life will understand how rollercoastery my head and heart is with all this. I'm not deciding when to have them yet but they're already so important to me. Sitting all chilly in the freezer waiting to be warmed up and get on with life. I'm guessing you folks will get that.

A virtual hug would be grand too. If anyone has one spare.

Thanks xx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello there,

Just wanted to welcome you and to give you a massive  .  Can't believe the hard time you've had and I hope that everything will work out for you.

When me and DH went about IVF, I remember we had to sign consents to using the 'frosties', but perhaps that was just if one of us died.  Sorry, not much help on that front.  

You could phone your clinic and see what the situation is.  If he has said that he would not stand in your way, it might be a good idea to get him to go with you to sign all the relevant documentation and then you can get on with it, if that's what you feel is the best route for you.

I hope someone else will come along soon, who will have had experience of a similar nature.

Again, this site is a life line and I hope your dreams come true.  You sound like such a strong lady and you've been through so much, I'm sure you will get the outcome you deserve.

Big hugs,

Dee


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Minimilks,

I just wanted to welcome you  ,  and to say congratulations on being clear now  , I am so sorry about the awful time you have been having 

I am afraid I can't help you on the FET options, except to say FF does have a legal questions section, maybe have a look and post a question there, or do a search on here and see if it's been previously discussed (more than likely has!) or post a direct topic post maybe put a heading like FET - WITH EX PARTNERS EMBYS, ANYONE DONE THIS? , there is bound to be someone who can help on here  

HERE'S A VIRTUAL HUG SWEETHEART          

Babydust to you 
   

Take care

Wendy K


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

minimilks and welcome to Fertility Friends 

I think the first thing you need is a big   You've clearly been through a lot, and this site will give you the support and hopefully a lot of knowledge. Wendy and Dee have given you some good advice, and i would echo ringing the clinic, if they are agreeable, then possibly get ex to put something in writing or sign a consent form. There was a similiar situation a few years ago in the news. but i'm sure its been discussed here before, i'll have a look, see if i can find any info. Like Wendy says it would be a good idea for now to create a new post on the FET boards (I'll leave you the link shortly) if you'd like me to set up a thread there, just shout x
Massive well done on beating the cancer, youre a strong lady so lets hope you can overcome this difficulty too  
Please have a look around and start posting around the boards and making friends. FF is a wonderfully supportive community and you can only get the best out of it if you start posting and joining in so, please do so. Here are some links you might find helpful at the moment&#8230;.

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Frozen Embryo Transfer ~ *CLICK HERE

*2WW, Ladies in Waiting ~ *CLICK HERE
I really really hope that you can make use of this thread soon enough  Its a fab area where you can share your 2 week wait with others, support one another etc whilst waiting for the outcome 

*Keep a diary of your treatment ~ * 
CLICK HERE
(Great way to offload emotions and share your story)

*Single Women ~ *   CLICK HERE  

*Fertility through Cancer ~ *CLICK HERE

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 

Ceri xx


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## Minimilks (Sep 28, 2009)

Wow. Thanks so much for all your lovely answers and great advice.

You guys are amazing. 

I will indeed get in touch with the clinic and ask them for as much info as possible. It's annoying because all my paperwork is in storage (at his parents house) so there is not an easy way of me checking. But you're all perfectly right, the clinic should be able to tell me everything. 

Also I will have a good dig about in the search and see what I can hunt down.

You guys certainly know how to make a gal feel very welcome. Thanks so much. I will keep my chin up and get this sorted.

Lots of love

xxx


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## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi Minimilks

I'm afraid that I can't help you with your questions but  I was really moved by your story and just wanted to send you a big   

You're incredibly brave and strong and I hope you get everything you desire - you deserve it

xxx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Minimilks ... keep in touch hun and let us know how youre getting on x


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Oh Minimilks










Just the hugest hug for you! To have come through all that you have done so well. I hope you can stay strong and that you are able to use your little snowbabies       

Keep us informed
Love
Tracy
xxxx


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## 478emma (Sep 17, 2009)

Hi Minimilks  

Congrats to you hun on beating that Cancer!!!!!   .

I really hope you get what you want and if your ex really meant that he wanted to be friends (even though it may not seem that way now) then I really hope he keeps to that and helps to make your dream come true.

Fingers and toes crossed hun.

Big        

Em xx


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## scubababe (Mar 11, 2009)

Wow, what a story!

My heart goes out to you and I hope it all works out well for you and the little ones. I cant give you any advice as I havent had any FET treatments, sorry, except to echo someone earlier to get his consent asap before he changes his mind....in writing! He may be happier to exchange legal consent with you if you give him an equivalent document that you wont go after him for child support and that the decision to have the babies to term rests with you alone - just a thought?

All the best for whatever you do....
Sandy
xx


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## Minimilks (Sep 28, 2009)

You're all so lovely. And having a look around on here you all have such amazing stories too. What a fabulous bunch of folks.

I do promise to keep you all posted. I am going to speak to the folks at the clinic in a couple of weeks to see where I stand legally. Once I know that I will come back here for a proper search. Then I guess I am going to have to talk to him.

We were together for 10 years. I sometimes wonder how on earth people walk away like that. From ten years of all the amazing stuff we did. We beat cancer, we travelled the world, we lived abroad, we made little frozen people. The idea he can walk away from that still astounds me. I really thought we were happy. 

So maybe it was too much for him. 

Anyway I think you guys are right. I do need to get this sorted while he still slightly remembers his feelings for me. He is not a bad person. Just a bit cold inside I guess. Good points for me are that his family love me to bits and are still in touch. So the gene pool has some hope and I know they'll support me. 

I'll let you know how it goes with the clinic.

You guys rock, you know.  

Minimilks x


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

You are an amazing person by the sounds of it, he was a lucky man. Lets hope he does the right thing hun


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## 478emma (Sep 17, 2009)

Oh yes, good luck to you hun        


xx


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## still smiling (Jan 15, 2009)

Hi Hun,

Re Your frosties...Do you remember the recent-ish high profile case of the lady who's partner had left and also withdrawn consent for the 'using' of them?Well,long story short,despite taking it to one higher court and another the ruling finally went in his favour on the grounds that despite her being more than happy to go it entirely alone he,on human rights grounds,was deemed within rights to decide who to have children with.
I think,only a personal speculation,that if your ex were to decide to withdraw consent also there would be no legal grounds for argument.Tell me to mind my business if you want but is there no way you could consider going ahead soon whilst he's still ok with it.Maybe he'll always be ok with it but would a new partner on your or his side be?

Re Your ex's departure..I know it hurts and in some way it always will but i've come to the conclusion that life is just a series of journeys.Sometimes there aren't reasons for things and sometimes we keep breaking our own hearts further by insisting upon them.
I think the only reason people part ways is because some love is lost,or the 'right' kind of love is lost.He may love you more than he's ever loved someone but not in the right way anymore and i actually believe there is something quite honorable and loving about giving someone their heart back.Wouldn't it be harder knowing someone isn't in love with you yet you wake up to them every morning?
Yes you battled through many wars together but maybe its for that very reason that he thinks you've been through enough.Why also subject you to a half hearted relationship.
Maybe that unfulfilled promise of a friendship was meant at the time or maybe it wasn't but he just couldn't find the words or the strength to say goodbye properly.
The fact that you were so happy once isn't the reason why it should always be but the reason why it ever was.Happiness is transient.It has to be for us to know how to recognise it.
You won't feel like this in time.Something,someone or maybe just you will make it all better.
I can't imagine what its like to fight for your life but you have and won hands down so this is it kiddo....life,in all its rawness.Painful,joyful and a privilege to us all.


Re you....I admire you and wish you the absolute best


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## 478emma (Sep 17, 2009)

Wow, that's so beautiful and true!!!

xx


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## still smiling (Jan 15, 2009)

Emma,
 

Was worried i might sound like a know it all.Thanks xx


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