# Choosing Donor Sperm



## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Ladies
This is not as easy as I thought it would be!
I made my short list - 4 donors I was very happy with and was all ready to get my order in.
Then I fond out that none of the donors I have chosen has any unwashed available and the doctor told me that unwashed is better as it is a) cheaper and b) the clinic here will wash it anyway and twice washed is not as good as it becomes too processed. This makes sense to me.

So I started again and made some more choices, basically 5,6, and 7th choices.
They also have no unwashed!
How can I have such bad luck!?

I wasn't too sure what this CMV status was all about when I first started but did some research and found that if the I am CMV negative and the donor gives me CMV (for the first time) it can cause birth defects. So, on the safe side have only been looking at CMV neg. The woman as the sperm bank says that most people are CMV pos but I have never heard of this or been tested for it as far as I know so now I don't know if I should also be looking at CMV pos! All so confusing. The woman at my clinic has gone home now so can't talk to her til tomorrow so really I'm just hoping that one of you might be able to give me some info because I am starting to panic. I can't call abroad after Thurs as I'm going to be away and I just can't believe that of all the donors I can't find one that suits me!

Please help if you can!

Thanks
S xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi S



The CMV status is quite important I think. One of the reasons I changed clinic was because they had run out of CMV neg donors (I'm CMV negative) and they wanted me to have counselling about having a CMV positive donor. My new clinic has a lot of CMV neg donors so it hasn't been an issue there. If you don't know your status then go for CMV negative. Apparently some clinics are only accepting CMV neg donors now as they are potentially suitable for everyone.

Good luck choosing! Someone said to me when I was choosing that the best donor is the one that gets you pregnant!

Txx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks for the reply Tommi. I might have to get myself tested because I am running out of donors! I'm looking at the CMV pos and there are loads - I'm looking at xytex.

All of the CMV neg that I had chosen are unavailable and I'm starting to run of options. I am now so stressed!

S x


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

I want to say don't be stressed but I know how stressful it can be. But it would be worth getting tested so you know for sure. It's not one of the more expensive tests and the results come back quickly. As far as I know the main risk is an increased likelihood of miscarriage. But, to balance that out, I've never asked a guy what his CMV status is! You could meet someone and start a family with them without ever knowing their status. I just figured that if I'm paying all this money it's worth giving myself the best chance of success. 
I hope that helps. It may not make any difference at all but if you want to be sure, get the test done.
Good luck!
Txx


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi ya,

Ok your two questions:

1. Can you used unwashed sperm for IUI? - Nope it's gotta be washed. Unwashed sperm has prostoglandins and bacteria in it and cannot be injected into the uterus. Check with your clinic as to if they will accept unwashed FROZEN sperm for an IUI and wash it and how much that costs. It may turn out more expensive than buying washed. You can use unwashed sperm for ici and normal IVI. If you wanted to try that you can have a go.

2. CMV Negative impact of CMV positive donor - I would get tested for CMV. 
There is a small risk to the fetus if you use CMV positive sperm.

Have a read of this: http://www.fairfaxcryobank.com/cmv.shtml

"What are the symptoms of a congenital infection?

If a pregnant woman has never been exposed to CMV and has her first infection during pregnancy, there is a chance that the fetus could become infected before the mother's body can eliminate the virus. Transmission to the fetus only occurs in a third of women who have a primary infection during pregnancy. Congenital CMV is the most common congenital infection in the US. Twenty percent of babies born with an infection develop medical complications over the first few years of life. Those symptoms can include low birth weight, deafness, blindness, mental retardation, small head, seizures, jaundice, brittle teeth and damage to the liver and spleen. While a child may develop some of the above symptoms, no baby develops all the symptoms and some infants have no symptoms at all."

Good luck!

Dawn

/links


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Dawn. I'm definitely going to ask about getting tested. Spending all this money means that I need to do as much as possible to cut down all risks of miscarriage and I want to do all that I can to ensure that the baby (fingers crossed) will be as healthy as possible.

The clinic that I am with here do the washing of the sperm anyway, so I need to buy unwashed form the US sperm bank.

Thanks for all your advice ladies

S x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi smc,

Just to say that I was never tested for CMV and have no idea if my donor was pos or neg!! But I can understand wanting to make sure...I was also of the thinking that  I wouldn't know if I Was doing it the natural way!

Also you could maybe just import two vials of already washed sperm for this attempt of you can't find the donor that you want who has unwashed sperm.  I suppose you could ask whether the clinic here needs to wash it again if you have already bought it pre washed??


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Lulu, that's really reassuring. Maybe I am over thinking this. I'll check with the clinic tomorrow.

The clinic definitely wash all samples, they can't guarantee what has been done at the cryobank so they wash it all, it's policy with them, otherwise I suppose they could be liable.

I'm sure I'll work it out, I just panicked! This is a lot harder than other people not in out position realise!

S x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

smc81 - I too have no idea about the CMV status of me or my donor! It wasn't an option with my clinic and I'd never hear of it until after I was pregnant. It didn't worry me much thought as like lulu said it's not something you'd even be aware of if trying naturally!

As for washed/unwashed I can't help there sorry!


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

SMC81

Hello, just thought I would add that my clinic tested me for CMV along with all of the other routine ones they do. I was CMV negative so when choosing the donor the clinic only gave me the options of the CMV negative ones, this was a good way to windle them down to my chosen one too.

Best of luck

Chowy and Pup xx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Chowy. I ended up getting tested, and I was negative so I have had to look at more donors that are also negative.

Hopefully I'll have more luck with these ones!

Thanks
S x


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Good luck with your choice ! Re cmv my understanding is it's not considered an issue with European clinics as I don't think there has been a recorded case of cmv passing via sperm donor - obviously would be issue if you did get it - hence why uk clinics are a bit more cautious. So many of us on singles thread seem neg when apparently most are positive !


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## loobyloo_london (Jun 12, 2010)

Hi SMC81

Just to let you know that I could only purchase my donor of choice as "washed" sperm , my clinic's SB Manager guided me through purchasing from ESB & advised me  to get unwashed if avail as it was a) cheaper & b) she would have to wash it anyway. She never said that 2 washes presented quality issues. It would be good if you could get speaking to a SB Manager in the UK for advise, or even call the ESB. 

Good luck 

LLLx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Loo

Thanks for the info. When I spoke to one of the docs at the clinic he said it would effect the quality. Do you know how I could get in touch with an SB manager? I'm waiting on hearing about some ore donors and I'd rather not pay extra for washed if I don't need to. However, things are not going great at the moment so I'd like to keep my options open.

Thanks
S x


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

Hi this may be a stupid question but is there a waiting list for a sperm donor even if you are paying to go private? I just assumed you chose one from a list and it was there ready and waiting for you! Good luck with your search smc81


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

If you want to use a UK donor, yes there is a waiting list, the length depends on the clinic. You can import from abroad though, where there is no wait. Your clinic shouold explain all of this to you when you speak to them.

S x


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## twinklets (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks for the info I'm hoping to get in touch with my clinic soon to discuss things and hopefully find out about donors.  Where can I import from abroad if need be?  Do you know what the procedure/costs are involved with this?  How are things going for you?  Have you found/decided on a donor yet?

T x


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I think it all depends on which cryobanks your clinic work with. I am with CRM Coventry, and at the moment I am dealing with xytex in the US, but there is a place in Europe that I could also go with.

At the moment I am looking at about £370 per vial of sperm and £300 shipping (but if you are lucky your clinic will try to organise it so that you can share shipping with others to cut costs). Then each procedure is £650. I am sure that there will be other admin costs etc that I am unaware of as yet, but I'll deal with that when I get to it.
But all of this depends on your clinic.

At the moment I am waiting to hear about my 2nd short list, hopefully something will be available.

If you need any more info about what I have done so far I have a diary
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=195.0
it might give you some more ideas about this part of the process - I apologise in advance for my sometimes incoherent ramblings if you decide to read it!

It does get a bit overwhelming thinking about everything so methodically but I spent a lovely evening with my mum tonight showing her my short list and getting her opinion on it all. I might be missing out on the whole couple side of having a child, but it's been so nice to have my mum and friends so involved. And my mum loves the fact that she won't have to compete with any other grandmothers!

Sxx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Fayster
thank you for your encouragement - I wish I didn't feel 'old', but I am certainly in a biological sense, plus I'd wanted kids since before I was 30 and it just hasn't worked.
Had 6 months of TTC naturally with ex, then 4x tries with co-parents and still, nothing.


I know in the scheme of things this is nothing to write home about, some people's journeys are a lot harder but hardest of all is facing it without a partner...
Anonymous donation is NOT for me. Having met some people via co-parenting sites I know the type of people who are attracted to donating, and it's not the sort of genetic material I want in my children, sorry if that sounds harsh. At least meeting and knowing our personalities click is an advantage, and I also believe the child has a right to grow up knowing where they come from, and that they were wanted by both parents.
That is just what I believe, I am not passing judgement on anyone else's decisions, otherwise (without brave ladies such as those other SMBC) the human race would die out! 


I would also like more than one child, but could never do this on my own, one would be tough enough.


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

BroodyChick - sorry that you're having a tough time working out next steps. Can I please ask how you've come to the conclusion about "the type of people who are attracted to donating" - as I do feel it's a bit harsh and I'd be concerned that your comment might put women in our situation off using a clinic sperm donor, especially if they are new to considering becoming a single mum, as well as any single ladies who may be considering becoming donors themselves by egg-sharing. Whilst a proportion of the men who promote themselves as donors on informal sperm donor/co-parenting websites may have motives which are far from altruistic (and I'd always steer well clear of those!), these men aren't representative of all donors - clinic donors go through rigorous testing and counselling and this would deter most people if they weren't donating for the right reasons! It took 10 rounds of treatment and 4 years for me to have my precious Rosebud, and I've used several sperm and egg donors, all of whom were very different, in terms of looks, job, education and personality (and I've evaluated many more donors before I chose the donor(s) for each cycle) - but the common thread is that these people had genuine motivations for donating.  I wasn't looking for a partner - when you are evaluating a donor's profile it's quite different. 

In the UK donors aren't anonymous - they are effectively identity release, so that any resulting child can contact the donor when they are 18. 

I completely respect your desire to co-parent - I hope it works out really well for you and that you find a suitable co-parent. But I just wanted to give a different perspective re: donors as in my experience there isn't such a thing as "a typical donor", and the donors I used donated for a variety of reasons. I know you said that you wouldn't want to have genetic material from a donor in your baby - but I think I probably speak for most of the single ladies on this board who have used donors to help them have their LOs when I say that I will be eternally grateful to the wonderful people who donated their genetic material in order to help me make my precious darling daughter - I will never forget their kindness. Good luck on your journey.

Fayster and Loobyloo London - keeping fingers crossed for you both!     

Rose xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Rose - have to say I agree totally! I am full of admiration for the men who donate via clinics. It's not as straightforward as might be assumed and the fact that they persevere through that process and agree to having a potentially quite large numbers of young adults contact them in the future means a lot to me. The letter my donor wrote to any children born as a result of his donation is absolutely lovely and I would be more than happy if any child I have wants to get in touch based on what he has written. 
That said, I do appreciate that co-parenting is a preference for some. But I just wanted to reiterate how great our clinic/sperm bank donors are! 
Txx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Looby & Fayster sorry to hear your news 

Rose - very well put about donors. Broodychick I know you "didn't mean" to cause offence with your statements about donors and doing it by yourself, but I did find it quite rude when you consider how many of us on here have gone down or are going down that route. Personally I couldn't have considered the co-parenting route because I wouldn't want someone half responsible for the most important thing in my life to be someone I wouldn't consider good enough to have a relationship with! For me using a donor is much simpler.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Rose and Caramac

maybe I should clarify - the people who contacted me via co-parenting sites about anonymous donations are not the type of person I would want to procreate with and I've not met a single one of them.
You are probably correct in saying that people who donate via a clinic are a different kettle of fish and have had to think about their motivations very carefully!

Based on messages I received where someone wanted to donate without future contact (AI mostly), they just sounded like people who weren't aware of the consequences of fathering a child at all, and basically came across as very irresponsible and uncaring.
Some had also fathered scores of babies already, via clinics at first and then continuing privately, which I found astonishing.
Some literally sounded as if there was something wrong with them psychologically or just wanted to pass on their 'amazing genes' to another generation.

So as I've communicated directly with a few people that was my impression, but of course people who donate via a clinic may go through more rigorous personality tests; I don't know.
I would not consider accepting a co-parent without a clean bill of health, and any genetic abnormalities can not normally be predicted anyway.

Personally, I feel more comfortable getting an impression of someone in real life rather than on a piece of paper, and for that person to want to co-parent means they aren't going around fathering dozens of offspring.

Wishing you all luck on your own journeys, whatever route you pick! xoxo


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi BroodyChick
I think as you have indicated each individual has to find their own path. For me using sperm from a clinic was right. I considered co-parenting and AI at home but felt they *were not right for me*. For me as an individual co-parenting brought up questions about someone else having an equal say in how the child should be brought up (so ensuring you have shared views on this would be imperative), the child is likely to spend time with their family and potentially a partner/wife (do you approve of the influence they would have), shared custody may mean that you will be unable to have a child with you all the time (maybe missing out on certain holidays such as christmas), also the legal ramifications long term in terms of custody etc - I could see with a friend I knew well and trusted these issues would not matter (and in fact did consider one friend) but feared that meeting someone for a short time I would not know them well enough to make this life changing decision for me and any potential child. But I also recognise co-parenting can work wonderfully - when co-parenting that person can be a support, someone to share difficult decisions and child care with - and offer the child a chance to grow up knowing both their genetic parents. Its like most things in life there are pros and cons to everything and we just have to find the right route for us.
Wishing you all the best and lots of luck with your next cycle, love Krissi xx


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Hi Broodychick, 
I agree that it would be ideal to have 2 parents for a child, on co parenting with a stranger though I agree with the other girls, also there is another issue, if you are undergoing through IVF bringing a known donor (as I did try as well) is very complicated, unless of course you want to have him registered as the legal father, but that again has a whole lot of implications. I speak for myself when I say I had to put aside my dream, perfect family, my second dream co parenting, so now on 3rd dream single parent with donor, and will probably move to dream n 4, double donation.
Many of us here have also fertility or age issues so every decision needs to be quick, and most of us are at peace on being a single parent with a donor. To me happened I understood dream 1 is not possible and I am ready to move on and face the world with  donor parenthood.
I hope you do not have to come to compromise your choice, but many of us here, had to...

Good luck with your cycle!

Xxxx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Thought I might share my knowledge from experience, to help anyone choosing or thinking of using a donor.  
I chose my donor from Xytex.  It is easy once you know your CMV status - you can screen out those whose CMV status does not match yours and chose a donor who can be used in the UK.  Choose unwashed for IUI treatment or ART vials for IVF.  Watch it as you clinic may defrost 2 vials for IVF (so check and order enough).  The list of donors is small after these have been eliminated but there is always a waiting list that can be joined.  I was number 15 on the list and within 6weeks I was offered unwashed samples.  I have a picture and all the family details and I can rest in the knowledge I have no legal ties with the donor if my treatment is successful.  I am hoping will meet someone in the future who might want to take on the father figure role but is has to be the right person and I am in no rush now.


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Just wanted to pop on and wish everyone currently waiting good luck


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## blackdog (Dec 4, 2011)

I've found it pretty difficult choosing a sperm donor. I was sitting there till 3am pondering over donors feeling how unnatural and weird it is and to be honest feeling sorry for myself that I am doing this.  I was just doing it alone until I asked my mum to have a look with me and I found that useful and also it kind of broke up the tension. I'm very newly single so still in shock that I'm now going this alone. It's pretty scary.

I am using Xytex as I was in danger of spending too much on photos etc for each one. Xytex allows you to pay to access all the profiles and pics so worked out cheaper for me. Also, as has been said you can isolate the CMV status. Apart from good health I decided to go with a "gut feeling" and not whether the donor looks like me. Both my egg donor and sperm donor look nothing like me. But they seem to have good health and I liked their "personalities" and I was "attracted" to their kind faces. 

I'm trying to keep costs down as much as possible as my IVF is costing me a fortune so far and I need to also get enough money to get a place for me and (I very much hope) a baby. I have an FT job and also just starting having stands at craft fairs but need to save more to provide the best home I can etc. 

Any tips on saving or making money welcomed!


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Blackdog - sending you a big hug     Choosing a donor is can be very difficult emotionally as there's often a grieving process that you're not doing this the way that you expected to. I found it very hard for my first cycle of treatment as I had quite a few criteria that I wanted the donor to meet) - by the time I'd got to treatment number 10 I was much more pragmatic and just wanted a donor that was proven, and for it to work! For some people, the donor's looks are very important - for me it was less important and and more their personality, education and that they were healthy. My egg donor looks nothing like me - but people see what they want to see when you have your baby .... several people have told me how much Rosebud looks like me (including one of the nurses at my local doctor's who knows that she is a double donation baby!).

If you have a look at the singlies pregnancy and parenting board, there is a thread on single parenting finances - hopefully it may help?

Rose xx


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## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

Thanks Tincancat for the information about Xytec. I've just been to have a quick look at the site and it does look user-friendly!


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## blackdog (Dec 4, 2011)

Thanks Rose39. I'll check out that board.

re: donors and their motivations. I personally don't see anything wrong with people donating for money, as long as they know the risks and implications. Many are students and the money helps them through college, some have their own children and it can help provide for them. I get paid for my job working for a charity but I try to help people etc it doesn't mean my work/commitment is of less value than someone doing it for nothing. Without donors I would not even have a chance of pregnancy so I for one, am grateful.


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