# Foster carer



## angel_lass

Hi all just a question do you still see your little ones foster carer? Our little one has been with us for four months and we haven't made any plans to see them yet. How long did you leave it to meet up again or if you have chosen to break ties can you tell me why you have chosen that option? Thanks. X


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## Sq9

Hello! Our Lo was 9 months when she came home in October and we don't intend to meet up with her foster carer.  That's not because they weren't amazing because they were, it just felt like the right thing to do, although I will email an update a couple of times a year.  I guess a lot depends on age and lo's understanding and what your relationship with fc was like. I doubt our lo would recognise her fc's now - an older child might.  I know a lot on here have met there fc again so see what their advice is.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do


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## Barbados Girl

We have maintained contact- the aim is about twice per year (she also has two children). We see her as a sort of Aunty and pretty much the only link to his first few months.


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## mummy2blossom

We send email updates every other month or so, we had our goodbye visit just over a month after blossom came home (this was a requirement by our agency). We didn't make any promises to FC about contact as she has 2 children herself and felt it wrong incase we were unable to stick to it. However we have decided it would be in blossoms best interest to maintain contact (until she decides otherwise). Our FC was more than we could have hoped for & was completely amazing so feel like we've lost good friends if we don't keep intouch, we also feel she is a positive link to blossoms past and may be helpful in the future when blossom starts asking things. We plan to meet once a year but haven't discussed with FC yet so she may decline.


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## keemjay

we see our childrens FC..probably twice a year..sometimes more..and we often text or chat via **. theys end presents for the children at Birthdays and xmas. we left it about a month/6 weeks after placement before we saw them..that was our agency's advice. my DD adores her FC..even though she moved to us at 19 months she did remember her and has a ton of pics in an album..they are a v important piece of her story..
kj x


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## Lorella

Loretta came to us aged 9 months. She had amazing FC. She has been home 5 months and we have met up twice since then. I totally changed my opinion about FC contact. At first I wanted a clean break but it became apparant the FC wanted to maintain contact. I began to realise that having someone in her life who was so keen to want to remain in it, was actually a very positive thing. I expect we will meet up a couple of times a year. It helps that we get on well and I know it will help Loretta fill those gaps in, in the future xxx


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## Ally Wally

At first I was super hesitant as I was worried it would be confusing for LBM but I now see the importance of it. They need to know that important people in their lives don't just keep dissapearing. LBM had supervised contact with BM for ages before this was stopped plus he was moved 2x in foster care. So I feel it's important for him to keep seeing his main foster carer. Think we waited about a month before we first met up. And now we meet every few months. She does suggest that we meet at her house sometimes and I will admit I am still not comfortable with this as I do feel this may unsettle him a bit, so we usually meet in the park. She made him a life story scrap book and there are heaps of photos of him in it with her and her family. It's his favourite bed time book these days so I know she will always have a special place in his heart.


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## Arrows

We don't have any contact at all. 
We got on okay during intros and she saidshe wanted updates until the 6wk post placement meet up (requirement in that la) but after that she wanted a clean break.  Post placement,  she said we'd not kept in touch even though I'd been sending updates. We discovered most of his delays were due to her parenting not him and she adopted herself just after he left so in the end we didn't even do the 6wk visit.  Had no contact since.


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## Flash123

We dont have direct contact. honestly and selfishly, early placement i couldnt have handled it. i was very insecure about us as parents and that wasnt helped by our experience during intros but i have to be honest, 2 years down the line i am starting to wonder if maybe we should (but that is totally for selfish reasons - to show them how utterly amazing wee man is!) 
We keep in touch  2/3 times a year via e-mail and letters but I know they would love to meet up. They have never asked out right but have hinted heavily on every exchange of letters. We discussed this in detail with our sw and she held the same opinions as us, deciding not to meet up after placement. During intros they were fab. they were lively people and loved wee man dearly but they had great difficulty passing over responsibility to us, lines were certainly blurred and there was subtle yet continuous  undermining - they were still calling themselves mummy and daddy during intros and could barely bring themselves to refer to us as that. They wanted to adopt him so I can totally understand their feelings. We all felt a clean break was best.

I regularly show him photos of them and we often discuss life before he came to us. This may sound daft but I am totally open to meeting them in the future, if wee man would like to, and it's nice to know that opportunity is there should we wish to.


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## Lorella

Re. Meeting at FC house - I have refused to do this even though it has been suggested a few times. Personally I think it may be to confusing but that's just my opinion. We will always meet somewhere neutral xxx


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## Ally Wally

Thanks Lorella, that's comforting to read as I often wondered if I was being over sensitive. FC has fostered over 11 children so I always felt like she was the experienced one and I was being too protective by saying no to meeting back at their house.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hiya, 
We do keep in contact with fc we've become really good friends. 
We've seen her a few times since little man came
Home almost 2 years ago and we probably text weekly not always about lo usually just to chat. 

We're meeting her next week and we've decided to go to her house last time we had lunch in a pub, lo was 10 months when he came home and I do wonder if he will even remember the house I think he will be perfectly fine otherwise I wouldn't choose to meet there I think it will be me in tears more as it brings back memorise of intros. 


Hope this helps 
Emma xxx


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## Sun Flower

Hi
I totally agree with Lorella, I changed my mind about contact. During intros although she was fab, i wanted to have a clean break as it felt right for us to be his parents and have a fresh start for him. However SS requirement was a meet 2 weeks into placement which we did and have maintained contact ever since. LO has been with us for 12 months now and we have met quite a few times, usually just before Christmas, Birthdays, Easter etc as she always wants to hand over presents and cards for him. We always met at a neutral place, usually a place centre. I think having a positive influence in his life, someone who wants the best for him and wants to see him growing and developing can only be a good thing! 

I have to say, LO doesn't know who FC is, he is 2 now and is too young to explain to him yet, but he is happy that we see this friendly lady who plays with him and shows him lots of love and kindness
x


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## keemjay

even at 2 you can introduce the concept of who the foster carer is..something like "we're seeing Mary today..you used to live with her before you came to live with mummy and daddy"..they are never too young to hear the words…and the more you say them yourself, the easier it is for you to be comfortable with the subject  


kj x


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## Sun Flower

Yes we do talk to LO and explain that we are meeting FC (we always use her first name) and we do tell him that she used to live with him. We also have photos of us all together etc... I just meant that at 2 he doesn't understand who she is, therefore we can't go into lots of explaining at this stage. He just enjoys having fun at the play centre where we meet


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## dimplesforever

The psychologist from PAS who I met before little one came home said she recommended maintaining contact and that I would know when the time was right...and I certainly was not ready before.  It's four months since LB came home and I just suggested a meet up with FC who is v keen.  However, we seem to have reached a stand off re location.  She has suggested her house but I have said I would rather the park or mine (they only live 2 miles away).  Haven't heard from her since ..... Apart from wondering if going to hers would unsettle him (not sure if he would remember or not as 18 months when came home) I think it would feel weird for me - I found intros pretty tough emotionally and it would be nice to be somewhere less emotionally charged and to make some new memories.


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## Lorella

I wonder , from reading this thread, that FC feel a real urge to have them back in their home. To see them in their surroundings once again. While I can totally understand these feelings,I feel it is down to new parents where they should meet and what they think would be best. I think you should stand your ground dimples. We did and had a lovely meeting at a cafe half way xxx


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## Barbados Girl

Cosmopolitan, huh? Adopters need to be monitored by their child's former FC in case they are "doing things" to their children. WTF?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Cosmopolitan I amfully open to the fact I may have misinterpreted your comment but I find it very offensive.  I have beenchecked met and scrutinised by many professionals,  all my employers have been contacted , my friends and family have been interrogated.  In the first months of my parenting sws were in and out of my house weekly.  Despite this people seem to believe I'm higher risk in terms of child protection than a birth parent. It's my daughters birth parents that abused them not me. I pick up the pieces and try to heal my children on a daily basis.  I do not need checking by a fc. I hope you either typed wrongly in which case I apologise. However being made to feel like a criminal every time my child has an ear infection or needs routine medical care because they have previously been subject to child protection plans gets very wearing.


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## Flash123

Cosmo, I hope that post was a typo or I have mis-interpreted it because I am deeply offended by what you have suggested and implied. How dare you suggest that my wee man, who like all of us on this board, is our world, our dream come true, the reason why I breath - should need protecting from the 2 people who love him more than anyone else in this world.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Are you insinuating that we as adopters pose a risk to our much loved and longed for children?!! When in actual fact we have all been through extensive and rigorous checks to prove that we are in fact 'fit' to parent. Scrap that, we're bloody brilliant and highly able to parent our babies to a very high standard because of all our training and preparation and dedication to our vulnerable children. Like previously said, we come in and pick up the pieces and damage done by birth parents, so if you're suggesting we are in the same league in terms of abuse and child protection issues I'm disgusted. Really hoping you typed that wrong


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## Lorella

I have to say Cosmo when I saw your post I really didn't know what to make of it so ignored it but I totally agree with what the others say. I do hope you can clarify that you didn't mean what your post has come across as implying.


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## crazyspaniel

Agree with all the above...
Just goes to show the general ignorance and misconceptions some people hold about adoption   

Would just like to add that adopters, when it's appropriate, meet up with FCs in order to show their children that the FCs have not just disappeared. Our children often struggle with  permenancy as  many people have vanished from their lives in the past.


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## Arrows

Cosmo, I can see that perhaps you don't know any adoptive parents or children and that in your lack of  experiential knowledge you have come up with a conclusion. I can only assume that what you meant to imply was not that adopters are a risk as it came across,  but that FC's who have hopefully cared for and loved as their own,  can see the child(ren) are happy safe and well cared for. 
I can see you probably meant well but as you can see the comment didn't come across well but I appreciate you trying to see it from a FC's perspective.  Unfortunately, not all FC's act as parents,  to some it's about the money. 
I truly hope I'm right it the motives for your post as otherwise I'm just as upset by the comment.


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## Sun Flower

Cosmo, why would we need to be checked by FC? We are not babysitting our LO or loking after him as a temporary measure, he is our child, legally, officially. We don't meet our FC because we have to meet her, we have become good friends and we choose to. It benefits us all for different reasons, LO gets a positive supportive person in his life and FC gets to see he is thriving and happy which she always comments on and it makes her happy to see him happy. It's Definatley not a check up, FC are not social services spies! And as others have said, the checks and assessment you go through as a prospective adopter ensure we are fit to parent, we have all waited for this a long time and jumped through hoops of fire to get here! We love our children more than anything in the whole world.
One final point, as adoptive parents we don't need monitoring or checking up on any more than someone who has given birth to their child rather than adopted them.


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## katie c

I think cosmopolitan like a lot of people has absolutely no idea what adoption is all about. I had a 'WTF' moment on another thread where she felt 'sorry' for the 'orphaned and abandoned children' too. Possibly she thinks adoption is still like it was in the 1950s or something?   Single mums giving their kids up to couples who hadn't been fully checked out?

AS for our FC, we met a few weeks after Master C moved in, as requested by SS. But nothing since. I feel a bit sad tbh as I really liked her and hoped she would stay in our lives as an 'auntie' figure. I have suggested meeting up but not even got a reply. 

Part of me thinks she just got a little bit attached to Master c and is trying to make a clean break/trying to be professional, but its still disappointing.


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## Barbados Girl

I saw that too, Katie C. I was worried that we were about to be told that all these "abandoned and motherless (note: never fatherless)" children needed was love and all their problems would melt away.


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## snapdragon

You need to think about what you're saying Cosmo.


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## Anjelissa

Hi all,

We have two very different situations with our lo's.
We were advised by all SW's involved not to have any further direct contact with little man's FC as she didn't really act 'appropriately' during intros and it wouldn't have been in our little man's best interest to see her 
She was a very new FC so was given further guidance/training and has since gone on to foster many other lo's, so all good 
I do however send her update emails about twice a year though (which I know she appreciates) as I would feel bad having no contact. Little man was her first Foster Child and we appreciate he meant a great deal to her. 
We will of course support little man as he gets older if he decides he's like to meet her.

With regards to little lady, we have a completely different situation as they were very experienced FC's and were amazing during intros. 
I think this has already been mentioned, but there is now evidence/guidelines that it is very beneficial to lo's to have a meet-up with FC's within 2 weeks of placement. It is felt that it reinforces their sense of security and they are reassured that people will not always leave them for good 
We did this with little lady's FC's (and their children, so was also for their benefit as they were quite upset when she left ).
We have since had them over for a BBQ and plan to hopefully see them yearly.
I also send them email updates at regular intervals 

I think it varies greatly from situation to situation as to what is appropriate (as we have found out first hand with our lo's).


On a separate note.....
Cosmopolitan, just to clarify, the subject of this thread is about adopted children post placement with their adopted families and further visits with FC's.
This is obviously a different situation to where looked after children in foster care are returned to where they were previously removed.
As I'm sure you are aware, adopters are fully assessed (a very long winded and thorough process) and approved at adoption panel (by a large group of professionals) before being matched/placed with a child.
It's an extremely long, thorough and comprehensive process which continues well into placement with adopted parents/children receiving the full support of their SW's during the first few months of placement.
I just wanted to clarify this point to hopefully clear any misunderstanding. 

Hopefully this thread can return back to it's intended purpose of members who are post placement sharing views on their experience of FC contact .

Anj x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Ang xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Back to why I came on the thread. 

Angel lass - Regards FC I think every child is different every FC is different etc. This is my two they were just turned one and three and a half on placement nearly a year ago. They were in FC for 10 months with a brilliant FC. 

Our placement is a long distance one 5 hours drive so meeting up hasn't really been an option. Our children's FC stays in contact and has seen all children post placement. She is a lovely person and a great FC. I went into placement believing 100% that contact with FC post placement as long as there's no major issues / awkwardness in intros is a brilliant idea. However quickly into placement I changed my mind. I felt it would be a really negative idea for my eldest. We did a Skype about 8 weeks into placement. This is because placing agency put massive pressure on us to do so / forced us. I felt unsure about doing it and while my eldest was obviously happy to talk to them we had fall out / regression for about 2 weeks after. Placing agency wanted us to do this sooner I'm glad we didn't as I think it would have been worse. My youngest wasn't really interested and carried on doing her own thing during the session and was totally unaffected. 

I have support from our agencies Post Adoption psychologist on how to best parent my eldest and her emotional / behavioral issues. I asked him about contact with FC and he said that it's our choice but ultimately he thinks staying in contact face to face is more about FC than children. If the child is young like my youngest they won't remember anyway so it's just another person to them not significant. If they're older like my eldest then it is potentially confusing early placement about who is your care giver and reminiscent of contact with birth parents while in FC which could upset and unsettle. When he said this I was shocked as I'd expected him to be very pro it. He said that their important place is in life story work in the conversations and stories you build for your child. It's important they are not taboo in anyway and discussed positively and caring as an important stage in child's life. If you choose to have this spill into face to face contact so be not necessary and if so handle it carefully. 

We email about once every 6 weeks and have Skyped once more. We might meet up this summer if they are travelling / holidaying our way. But knowing my eldest like I do now I am soooooooooooo glad meeting in person wasn't possible early placement as I would have done it and it would have been a disaster. I feel she could handle it now and it's something I would do for FC and her children's sake but I honestly don't feel there will be a benefit to my two. I wish I felt there was as I really liked their FC and think we could have been really good friends in other circumstances. I love the thought of having them as an Auntie and Uncle figure for me but just wouldn't work for my girls.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Also to add a point I have been thinking about over the last 6 months. On placement a lot was made of my eldests attachment to FC. SWs were concerned she was too attached and  as a result would struggle with moving. 

On early placement I watched my youngest grieve and struggle with FC loss. My eldest there was a lot of fear, loss, anger but she honestly didn't really grieve FC. Rationally now it's because although she cared for her she wasn't attached in any way to her. My eldest because of the neglectful and abusive care received from 0 to 2 / 3 years has a insecure attachment style she doesn't know how to form attachments to adults properly because she didn't do this as a newborn. (Due to her circumstances. ) While in FC she was seeing BM which is like trying to form a meaningful new relationship while still sleeping with your Ex you adore. She was told regularly she was going to move / have a new family. 

This combined with the short timescales children are in FC now does not allow for any kind of secure attachment to form in older children that have lived with BF in my opinion. (Not saying I'm right open to others views but feel this is correct for my child.) Children used to be in FC for 2 years ish a lot of the time under old time scales now it's rarely gets to 1 full year. This in my view alters the level of relationship formed and the significance it holds. But does not take away from the amazing hard work done by FC xx


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## becs40

Our lo has been home 4 months now and I've emailed fc a few times but not met up. We will do as she has also adopted from same authority and they do 2-3 "adoption" events a year which we will all go to so that does make things easier.


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## littlepoppy86

Cosmo I think you should quietly exit to the left before you dig a deeper grave...

Back to the subject...

I text fc few times a week, photos usually, general chit chat & child relevant...We've met up on average every 6 weeks since LO came home. First time was 4 months after placement in neutral location, second & every other time in her house. I don't know if LO remembers her, he was 11m @ placement.

I think it entirely depends on your circumstance an the fc...I wouldn't have said a year ago I'd see ours so often until I just generally felt of her like an extended great Aunt  x


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Digging deeper grave?  Alright then.
I will delete all of  my posts except this one since I can see that some people are narrow - minded and see things only from their perspective. Comment after this whatever you want. I am notcoming aagain to this thread! 
For your own information and to get out of your box, Google Ricky Holland name.


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## Barbados Girl

Ok, so in case you do come to the thread again, Mr and Mrs Holland were child abusers who happened to be adopters, just like there are some biological parents who happen to be abusers. The fact that some adopters abused their children does not mean we will abuse our children. We could just as easily say "Google Daniel Pelka" and use that as evidence foster carers should monitor all biological mothers with boyfriends. The idea that we need to be monitored by our childrens' foster carers is deeply offensive. The fact that we do not think the Holland case justifies your comments does not make us narrow minded. Correlation does not equal causation.


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## mummy2blossom

Reading this I feel sad & angry on behalf of angel lass who posted an adoption related question so wonder what why Cosmo felt the need to respond in the first place when seemingly her only understanding of adoption is through Google!!

Anyway we're very excited as we've just booked our first meet with FC which will be just over a year since we saw them last!


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## littlepoppy86

M2b absolutely agree with you for angel lass who asked a completely legitimate and a good question on foster carer relationships..

I googled Ricky holland when you first mentioned it, you can't come into an adopters forum and say google such rubbish like that... 

And narrow minded? No, I (like most adopters) have gone into this with my eyes wide open, yes you read stories about adopters/social workers/foster cares abusing children but do you not also read about birth parents/celebs/footballers doing the same thing? I would say you are the narrow minded one...I don't think foster caress need to 'keep an eye on adopters to report back' I think we have enough social service visitors to report back and if we was that bad I'm sure relatives/teachers/general public would report us the same as they'd report anyone they had a concern for...This isn't the first time you've posted in parenting adopted children so you obviously consider your google research as being a pro on adoption...

M2b I hope your meet with fc goes well, I can't believe it's been a year, I remember from the matching panel thread! Flown by :-D x


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## Laws1612

Hi guys.

I am aware of the upset that has been caused on this thread.
Sorry to everyone that has been offended by comments made throughout the thread. We are here and monitoring. 

I personally think it would be best if we could return to the subject and continue to give great advice, support and most of all friendship. 

Thanks guys 

Laws1612....adoption and fostering moderator.


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