# At what stage do you say no more?



## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi ladies, I hope you don't mind me posting this, please tell me if you do, don't want to offend anyone.

My heads been spinning for quite a while with the thoughts of when to say no more.

Me and DH have spoken a bit about this, but neither have put a time limit per se but we sort of have without naming it if that makes any sense.  I think the way we lighten it is for us to say that I will buy my horse and DH will buy his dog!

Its just so exhausting, soul destroying, etc, etc that at some point it has to stop and I do not know when I will 100% feel ready to say no more and be at peace with that!

I don't want to type a huge post because I'll just repeat myself and get all morbid and I really am unsure of what replies I am looking for, I guess I am just uncertain and a bit scared of LCF but realising that I might have to some day soon.

I have wanted to write this post for a few months now and have never been able to pluck up the courage to until now - why I was scared to I do not know.

Thanks for listening.


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## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Dear Mrs NikkiUK

You have my deapest sympathy.  

I hope you get the peace that you need so much and whatever decision that you come to that you have a happy life.  

Love Kate xx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Thanks Kate  me too hun, me too


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Nikki. its me. I am on the other thread with you at the mo. I first posted here in Sept i think - my last treatment was around April and i was so devastated and low i think i had a mini breakdown. I took a month off work and then had 2 mths off in summer(teacher). I felt i really had to try and come to terms with the fact that we might never have a baby. My 2 sisters are also getting married in the next year and half so i have to be able to deal with them having kids. I didnt go to any christenings this year(we had 2) and made dh go himself which really wasnt fair but i couldnt do it!

I am trying to live child free but at 35 who knows and we still ttc each mth but we are now not as obcessive about it.

I went to see my sil and bil's new house the other day- they are married 14 yrs and finally went for icsi 2 yrs ago- as both brothers (him and my dh) are very private we can only discuss it when we are alone- the girls that is.i know their nhs attempts failed but i dont know if they went private as that was when we were having treatment and i stopped contacting a lot of people.

Anyway, when they said they were moving to a bigger house, i thought maybe "they were having twins" and altho i know i should be pleased  i would find it so hard. BUT i made myself go- am none the wiser as bil there so couldnt discuss it, but my gut feeling is they moved to give them something else to think about.

One thing that hurt me that my sil in law said a few yrs back was" At least you have a step daughter", which was so unfair as it doesnt stop my yearning to be a mum, just like her. Plus we are going thru a lot of crap with sd at the mo (at 14 and half going on 20!!!)

Anyway as i said b4 on this thread, i dont think you really give up until your body tells you it is over.Take care xxxxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there Mrs NikkiUK

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing in playing with a time limit (albeit undefined) and see how you go. You can only put yourselves through it so many times without becoming emotionally and fiscally bankrupt (probably both). As you say it is soul destroying and life consuming.

I'm still not 100% at peace with giving up but, speaking personally, I'm 100% sure I never want to see the inside of a fertility clinic ever again and gradually the desire to get on with the rest of my life began to dominate my thought processes. LCF is not necessarily as bad as you might think. 

It's a personal journey and I wish you both luck with it.    

flipper


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi NikkiUK

Like many of the girls that have already replied to you, you are not alone.

I too, am trying to come to terms with "HOW do I move on?  HOW do I stop ttc?"  After 9 tx, 5 I.U.I and 4 I.V.F - all unsuccessful, I am 31 and feel amazed that I am STILL thinking - I can't give up.

However, I am posting on this thread to try and "prepare" myself.

I think you will know when it's time to put a lid on it completely.  I don't know how, and neither will you.  I think you will just KNOW.  The reason I say this is that at the end of each treatment, I say, "never again."  However, now I am thinking, until I get a physical reason that I CANT conceive, (ie.  too old or they find a physical problem) then I wont give up.

I get the feeling you are not quite ready.  And that's fine.  Go with your gut.  That way, you wont have any regrets.  

I really do believe you will KNOW when the time is right and if youre not sure at the moment, perhaps that means the time isn't right just now, to give up

I hope I'm not speaking out of line.  I am just speaking through all I know - my own experience.

Hope this helps.

Wishing you all the luck in finding peace with your mind and your heart.

Love Gill xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Nikki
Firstly welcome and i think that you are brave to even write these feelings down and post them onto this thread. That takes alot of guts and i am sure whilst you were writing it, it felt like someone else doing it. But you did it and that takes alot of strength..
Reading through everyones post, mirrors so much about each of our lives and the comments raised are so accurate. Remember Nikki that we are all different and we all come to making decisions in our own time. There isn't any time factor or some book that can guide us through at the right time. There isn't one it just sort of happens...as Gill mentioned the time is only right when you are ready and that gradually starts setting in when certain things happen during our IF journey.
I believe like Pam mentioned that i do not want to enter another Infertility Clinic so i have relief there, but to come to terms with LCF. I am not sure about the answers there but taking one day at a time.
Nikki it is probably going to be one of the most life changing things of your life and just do it in your own time. Don't force the issue because that will make you worse and probably send you over the edge. Talk to your hubby and family, involve others maybe counselling and hopefully your decision will come naturally...
The girls on here are lovely and everyone helps each other thank goodness.....
Take care
love astridxxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Yesturday and today I have read all your wonderful replies ladies and thank you so much for taking the time to reply - it means a lot.  The issue keeps swimming round my head but maybe I am trying to make peace with it first so I can handle it more when it comes.  I will think more on what you have all written and hope you won't mind me popping back and keeping in touch with you all.



Thanks you.
Nikki
x


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## Mairi (May 23, 2005)

Hi I haven't visited the site for a while but always log on and find it so rewarding and helpful. 
You are brave putting your thoughts down and they are all thoughts us ladies in this situation have to face.
Personally I found I had to make a definite decision to stop and than actually grieve a bit and then 
move mine and DH's lives forward coming to terms with the fact it will be childless. It defiantly is a form 
of grieving and if you think of it like that it seems to help.

Another thing I think is important is to think about your relationship with your DH. It is so stressful and everything 
gets put to one side in the quest for a baby. Its important to stay mates, enjoy life together and love and lean on each 
other. The whole thing brought DH and I very close and we have a fantastic relationship now even though we sometime 
feel very sad our family will just stay as only us two.

I hope you find piece - its hard but we're with you. Love Mairi xxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear All
Unluckily (maybe luckily, you never know) for us the decision has been made for us. After 10 years of ttc (3 failed ICSI, 1 BFP resulting in m/c at 11 weeks) we decided we might give it one last try. I'm the age now that my mother was when she had me (42) and I've always had this as a mental cut-off point.
However, our visit to the fertility clinic showed that a (previously unimportant) fibroid had grown to 11cm and without removal we couldn't proceed. Our GP advised against this. Then, a month ago I found a lump in my right breast. Following investigations, they are almost certain its a fibroadenoma but want to remove it 'just in case'. I do wonder if all of the hormones I've shoved inside of me over the years has made this happen.
The fibroid had already made us give up... but I think both of us had this secret nagging ... 'maybe', but the lump has definitely shut the door for us. We've agreed that my poor old body has had enough and we are now considering going along the adoption path.
I think the short answer is that you'll know when its time. We got this sign and to be honest, its a bit of a relief when the time comes... you never give up hoping (even every month), but as someone else mentioned, the thought of never seeing the inside of a fertility clinic again is lovely!
Good luck in your decision... I know it will be the right one for you.
Love
EML


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Eml
Welcome!!!
I am sorry to learn about you having to deal with a breast lump...I totally understand as i also have had to go to a clinic recently because a lump..I cannot help but think that maybe it was something to do with all the drugs that i have had due to IVf. Although i haven't got any evidence to prove this statement, it is still a frightening experince. All the best because it really does play with your mind and makes you think about things..
I know that it is hard to come to a decision about giving up treatment but i have to agree it sort of arrives by itself. I am also relieved that i never have to frequent a Fertility Clinic for the rest of my life...i just felt my dignity was taken away from me....
I wish you all the best with your new ventures with adoption and if we can support you along the way you know where we are...
Try and enjoy xmas as best as you can...a good ole bottle of wine goes along way...
Lots of love Astridxx


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## jellybelly (Oct 19, 2004)

Hi Nikki and all,

I haven't posted on this thread for a while as myself and DH have been living child free for almost nine months now.

When we first made the decision to do this it was a huge rollercoaster of emotions.  I can honestly say that after about a month it was a huge relief that we had finally made this decision.  No more fertility clinics, no more wondering if i was going to be pregnant this month etc etc.  It was the best decision that I made.

It is so hard at the time to choose this option - but for trying for a baby for eight years and having three miscarriages is not funny thinking every month this is going to be the one.

I have come back on to this web site as I have to say Christmas is not a good time.  I have got a little down about not having children at this time of year so I came on here for a bit of support.  I know when it is all over I will be back to planning my life again, eg holidays, dinners with friends and DH and basically doing what I want, when I want.

We did get a springer spaniel puppy about five months ago, however, he had to go to the rescue centre as he turned nasty.  Felt very very upset and very lonely again when he left as it was lovely having somebody to feel responsbile for and nuture etc.

Anyway, Nikki, I still beleive it was the best decision I made and I wish you all the best for your future - whatever you may decide.,


Love

Jelly
xxxxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Hi jellybelly,

Have you thought about getting a cat instead? They have a lesser tendency to turn nasty and they are less responsibility than a dog. I adopted an 11 year old cat from Battersea Dog's Home almost four years ago and she was a bit scared and scratchy at first but now she is lovely pet.

Also, I know how you feel about thinking about it might be this month every month. I was like that, but over the last few months have become quite accepting that it's not happening.

Lucy


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## jellybelly (Oct 19, 2004)

Hi Lucy,

Thanks for replying.

Unfortunately I am allergic to cats so that is not an option.

Life is generally good for me now - just don't like Christmas.  Feel so sorry for DH as I am working nights over the Xmas period and feel sad that he is going to have to wake Xmas day alone.  However, I know we made the right decision and this is just something we hav to learn to cope with.  

Roll on the New Year  

love Jelly
xxxx


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Hi Jellybelly

You are not alone.......I am finding all the Christmas merriment a bit overwhelming too, and long for normal life to be restored.

I'll be thinking of you and your DH and all other LCF ladies and DHs/DPs over the next few days.

  

Love to everyone,

Eilidh
XX


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Eilidh M said:


> You are not alone.......I am finding all the Christmas merriment a bit overwhelming too, and long for normal life to be restored.


Here here


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

I also agree...!!!!!
I hope that you are well Eilidh i haven't heard from you in a while....i hope you do get to enjoy your christmas.....
Happy xmas everyone....
Love astridxx


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Hi Astrid

Thanks for your good wishes.  Christmas was fine...spent most of the day with in-laws who are great fun and love life with their dog and cats   .

Even boxing day with my own parents, b and sil and niece and nephew was ok.....we just took refuge in the kitchen with the washing up when things got a bit tough !!

Now in the throes of consuming obscene quantities of chocolate......didn't believe Heroes came in a 2.2 kg tin until Sunday  

Love to you and all the LCF girls,

Eilidh
XX


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

It is hard,i had 2 lots of iui and got preggy both times,but they were both eptopic,resulting in me having bth tubes removed,ive been tld i can get preggy with ivf,but we would have to pay for this,i just dont have the money,i know i should give up ,but i also know that theres that sml chance if i had ivf i could finally become a mum!!!!but its all down to finaces,just cant accept it wont happen!!or that this is it..i know how you feel...its hard


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi lilacbunykins
I totally empathise with your situation, it must be so hard...its quite an unfair system...is there anyway around it Silly question i know as i am sure you have thought about everything..Have you contacted your local PCT can they help?
Take care...
lots of love astridxx


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