# Shattered dreams - what do I do next



## Clara B (Oct 12, 2010)

Been following FF website for a year now only joined today. Am 41 now and had a miscarriage last week following 3rd treatment. Was told at start of year that we stood a good chance of getting pregnant due to quality of embryos in first failed TX. DH & I are shattered beyond belief - never thought anything could be so devastating. Have been ttc for around 6 years now and told last year after lap and dye that IVF only route.  On top of dealing with this I have been dealing with the loss of my only sister who died in July after having been ill for some time.  I spent the last couple of years trying to help her through her illness and we now look after her 5 year old child. After her death I was left to clear out her house within a month with very little help.  I know that no-one can say that stress caused a miscarriage but no-one can say either that it didn't.  I feel tortured by social workers and while I don't want to give the child up I  am starting to feel that the stress of everything combined is killing me. On top of that my beloved furbaby decided to die 2 weeks after my BFP. Don't know which way to turn - Guys say I need to wait until new year if I am to try again with my own eggs but am also considering the donor egg route but also feel that maybe its all pointless  if some of the other stress doesn't leave my life. Sorry if this is a ramble but I would really appreciate some opinions.


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## dtw01 (Jan 28, 2007)

Hun i really dont know what to say to make it better ..........but you are in my thoughts .

H xxx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Not sure what to tell you. Just hoping you take a few days to take care of yourself before you come back to see any posts. Only because I'm not sure the posts will help or create more stress for you.


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## scooby-doo_123 (Jun 19, 2010)

Sorry to hear what you are going through, life just sucks sometimes. You have so much on your plate- is there someone you can offload too?
I had a m/c in September- I was 8w1d- apart from loosing my mum its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. My hospital said I can try again after a period as I chose not to have a d&c.

I really hope things start to get better for you


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## Billybc (Aug 13, 2005)

Oh hun   

You've been through such a traumatic year and no words are enough to help guide and console you at the moment.

There are so many things I want to say to you but nothing seems to make any sense when Im writing it.  They say time is a great healer but from personal experience all I can say is we all find our own way of coping and some days we just cant cope.

Have you thought about talking to a counsellor?  I was always wary of having counselling but I eventually decided to have some bereavement counselling and found it invaluable.

I cant advise you which is your best option whether it be to use your own eggs or donation but if you do have good quality eggs and have responded well then it seems logical to have another go with your own.  My own experience is that I am 40 and have had 2 cycles of IVF both being an egg donor.  My first cycle was dreadful, although I responded well my eggs were bad quality and in fact was told I may have a problem with eggs.  On the second cycle I spoke to a friend who is a doctor and she suggested I tried taking agnus castus before and during 2nd cycle - I had an amazing result with good quality eggs and the result being we now have a dd!  I am now looking at trying FET, possibly sometime in the new year as something was found in my pre-treatment scan 2 weeks ago so waiting to have this removed and screened.

Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you hun and I can only wish you luck and comfort you through difficult days.

Thinking of you always and if you ever need someone to talk to, scream at or cry with I will be here.

Sending hugs

xxxxxxxxxx


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## fairywings (Feb 19, 2009)

and welcome to Fertility Friends clarab

I am so very sorry to hear about all of your losses and all that you are coping with right now   . Everything must of course seem overwhelming for you right now. I wish i could say or do something to take away some of your pain, stress, saddness and uncertainty. You are obviously a strong, smart person to have coped to this point but even the strongest of people need support and help, so I am so glad you have joined us at FF and I hope you will consider something like counselling or some other kind of outside support as well. A couple of years ago, I had my GP refer me for some counselling. Although I only had a couple of sessions (my choice) I gained some very helpful coping strategies and a new perspective on what was going on around me, which did lift the black cloud I was under. You have so much to deal with right now  . I will leave you some board links below hun. 
Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

*Donor sperm/eggs ~ *CLICK HERE

*TTC over 40 ~ *CLICK HERE

Here are some links you may take comfort from, maybe now or at a later date  ....
*Pregnancy loss ~ *CLICK HERE

*Pregnant after loss ~ *CLICK HERE



We have a part of this board dedicated to the memories of angel babies and children. Many ladies here find it comforting to have a place to talk to / about their lost loved ones.

*Forget me not ~ *CLICK HERE

This section may give you some useful information.....
*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 

Keep in touch

Fairywings xx


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## Mazza1971 (Aug 19, 2009)

Sending you lots of     

You have been through so much heartbreak that at the moment emotionally you are not sure where you are!

A miscarriage is one of the hardest things to go through especially when you have finally seemed to succeed through fertility treatment   . As you say your eggs are good quality so maybe when you are ready, try again with your own eggs before going through the donor route.

Also, it must suddenly feel very strange looking after your 5 year old niece when you are grieving for your sister. Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself up when you have bad days.

Thinking of you. I     one day you are holding your baby in your arms and that your niece is a lovely big sister    

Mary xx


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## justone (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi Clarab. My thoughts and prayers   are with you and yours at this very painful    time.


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## Clara B (Oct 12, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies and kind words.  I am only now getting my strength back but still feel like crying at some point most days, can feel tears coming to my eyes as I write this.

Have started counselling and am due to speak a consultant next week and will take things from there but no matter what I will continue with treatment in some form or other, just couldn't leave things this way, I know that if I did I would be eternally regretful.

Billybc thanks for the tip about agnus castus I have already started taking it.

You have all been through difficult times and I am glad we have FF so that we can support each other.

Love, hugs and best wishes to all.


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## tattybear (Oct 24, 2010)

I cant offer any fertility advice as im new but i juat wanted to say i hope your niece can live with you forever because your sisters spirit will live on in her and help you through!! I would love to bring up a child, and although ivf may not be ok you hve a child of your sisters who will fill a hole in your heart  xxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

clarab, i've only just seen this hun, and just wanted to give you a .

A m/c is so devastating - i had an early m/c on my second cycle of icsi.  i had no idea how hard it would be - i always said i would have rather had a bfn than be taunted with a bfp only to have it so cruelly taken away.  You have had to cope with that on top of everything else - such a horribly traumatic time for you hun.  I'm so happy you have your sisters little one - i so hope the social workers ease off the pressure and you are able to give her a wonderful life, and hopefully add to your brood soon yourself too.  She is very lucky to have you to take care of her.

good luck with further treatment - my consultant always wanted me to have 3 clear months between cycles too and it used to frustrate the hell out of me!  

I hope things settle for you soon - i'm glad you are seeing a counsellor, hopefully it will help you to keep things in perspective and you will start to feel yourself again soon.

Huge  to you and your dh, and to your neice.
xx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

I've just realised we've assumed the little one is a girl - it could be your nephew, sorry, you didn't specify.


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## louloumay (Oct 25, 2010)

Oh Clarab,

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in. I know you don't feel it but you are such a strong person, you have been through so much trauma and yet you are managing to care for a grieving child.

I hope the counselling helps a bit, it has helped me in the past, and I think you are right to continue with your tx, you would always wonder what if.

Perhaps the universe will start to send you some good things now, surely if someone deserves a break right now it's you.

I am new to ff too so I'm not so practised at advice or support but I'm good at sending positive energy so I'll send you a ton of it   

L xx


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