# Trying too hard to be Mum?



## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi all, wanted to write about this as unsure what the problem is....me/them/behaviour of LO


I have two sets of friends. My 'real friends' who Ive known most of my life and know really well and feel very comfortable with. Then there are the friends who I have met through my LO - other Mums @  our school. Our lovely LO has been home now 1 yr 1 month and is mainly settled, happy and very well behaved. 


My worry is that when I go out with 'the Mums' I feel insecure as they are younger (10yrs plus) / appear more confident/ slightly nosey and already in a group who have known each other since their LOs were babies. LO does play a little with their children altho Im aware he's still young for that (3 yrs 6 months)...Im thinking more of the future as these kids will be in his primary class. When my son and I are with them I feel his behaviour changes slightly - in that he is clingy, negative and generally not his happy go lucky self. If anything his behaviour can be odd - like running away from me when I call him/showing off almost?  


So we are both finding it stressful altho. Ive stuck with it as I feel its important for LO to have friends. I am aware that LO maybe sensing my feelings so have really tried to be confident and calm.


My own 'real friends' kids are older and off to secondary so thats not an option. The thing is I feel happier in their company as I know they all totally accept and Love my LO, my family and DH family all accept and adore him also - so Im lucky in that respect. So my question is do I persevere with these new friendships or bring up my child in a mainly adult dominated world I don't think this is good for him as socialising with his own age is important. 


Any advice appreciated. Thanks!


Noodles


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I had lots of difficulties along the lines you're talking about.  Also just wrote a very long post which got eaten by a cat scampering across my keyboard!

Essentially I think you're right that company his own age is important, but getting it in the right setting and at a level he can manage is also important.  I had very similar problems to you as a new Mum.  Even as a relatively young adopter, I am a lot older than most Mums in my area.  I also found that on adoption leave with a 2 year old, I was still very much a working person and had nothing in common at all with most women who I met at toddler groups etc who by that stage had been off work for some time and made the choice to be stay at home Mums.  Although Wyxling never displayed any seriously difficult behaviour out the house (one of the reasons we often went out the house a lot) I could always tell when she was getting agitated and disregulated and struggling, which was most of the time really at these sort of things.  I think I also felt little confidence in my ability to be a Mum to a really complicated and difficult little girl with some serious problems, and while I would have welcomed someone to talk to, in reality the other Mums at toddler groups were never going to provide that and I found the whole experience very frustrating.  

I did persevere mostly because it gave me somewhere I could play with Wyxling where she would play with me much better than in the house (or battleground, really, as it was then, however much I tried to make it otherwise).  I just used to go to toddler groups and focus on Wyxling and play with her.  Inevitably because most other Mums do not do this, I would end up with Wyxling and a few other kids and play with all of them together, but make sure that Wyxling stayed the focus.  This was about the best I could make of a bad job.  I chatted to the other Mums but didn't talk to them in any great detail about our family.  They knew Wyxling was adopted because we had Bladelet placed subsequently at 10 months old, but I never really made proper friends with any of them.  Since Wyxling started play group I keep in touch with a couple of the Mums but while Wyxling used to ask after the other kids, she doesn't now, and is quite happy in pre-school.  I learned not to worry about what other Mums thought of the way I parented and over time I've become more confident with both of them.

Wyxling started pre-school just before 3 and I think it was only really when I wasn't present that she started to behave more "normally" and learn to interact with other kids, because she wasn't focusing on making sure Mummy was there and trying to control.  She's really confident and happy most of the time when we're out in familiar places now, and great with other kids in nursery and when we're out and about.  She plays quite happily and quite normally with other children, and she's got really confident and will stand her ground if she thinks she's right and someone is trying to take something/pushing etc.  I was told by nursery staff that she's really easy going and has lots of friends and they think her social development with other kids is really good, although her interaction with adults is a little more shaky at times, and I agree.  She finished pre-school for the summer a week and a half ago and I've been taking both kids out loads and seeing how well she interacts with children she's never met is lovely.  She's still got half an eye on Mummy and if I'm not paying close attention she can really wobble, but she quite clearly doesn't need me to make her friends for her any more.  I find with that pressure off, I can chat to other Mums much more easily.  Plus, I have a lot more confidence now in myself as a Mum, and I don't feel the sort of self-conciousness I used to when I do stupid things with them like soaking myself jumping in puddles or rolling down the hill with them in the park, either that I'm trying too hard, or just don't have a clue.

Not sure if that helps, I lost the thread a little half way through, but it is hard feeling like you have to have wonderful social skills with people you're not that interested in, in order for your kids to have friends.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Mummy Noodles  . My ds has been brought up in an adult dominated world and as an older mum I have tried really hard to mix with the younger mums. I've been really self conscious which has definitely rubbed off on ds. He's the opposite of Wyxie's lo and behaves much worse in public so I was (and still am really) nervous of looking stupid and being unable to calm him. I do try to be friendly with everyone but the school mums are mostly much younger and many seem to have older Los too so seem very calm and confident. 
My older friends just love ds and think he is fantastic and he behaves beautifully around them. Whereas with new friends I am on constant high alert. 
Basically what I'm trying to say is yes I do think it is very important for me to make friends with people who have children the same as ds, it's also important to meet up regularly with old friends to make me feel better about myself. I have to sort of put a little bubble around myself and ds (to help calm him) when we are with new friends so this doesn't help me develop friendships. So I do feel your dilemma. I agree with Wyxie that learning not to care so much what others think helps - I'm very slow with that . 
Not much help but I do understand and you're not alone.


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## Missjojo (May 25, 2014)

Hi Noodles.
I'm sure being an adopter and a slightly older mum makes things different, but I just wanted to give another perspective. I met a bunch of new mums when I had my little one and we spent a lot of time together. But I always felt a bit awkward with them and often still do, because like you, they're not my real friends. I'm sure to anyone looking at us, we look like a tight bunch - we hang out with the kids and sometimes without.  But the reality is that there are some friends who are close, but not like I think it looks. Now a couple of years on, where I'm more confident in my parenting, and in general, I've got to know some of them better, and I've decided that all the confidence I thought they had was in my imagination. We talk about early days and they had the same issues as me, same insecurities and still do. I'm glad I stuck it out, even though I felt like an outsider, as some have grown into friends, still not like my 'real' friends though, and my little guy is really comfortable with their little ones. 
I bet coming in to those groups a bit later is hard, but I'd hope they weren't judging or caring about you littlies behaviour. All kids have different personalities, away from home and the intimacy of mum&me-time, my confident little dude seems to lose his personality.
I think it's good to stick it out, just don't do it so often that it bothers you, and know that mummy friend groups aren't always as they seem. When you have little ones dominating your time and thoughts, it takes quite a while to get past that and onto the things where you find enough in common to become 'real friends'. It sounds like you've good a good balance with old, loving, easy friends and new friends with playmates for your little guy
Good luck


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Thanks.

Wyxie - "i_n reality the other Mums at toddler groups were never going to provide that and I found the whole experience very frustrating" _that is exactly how I felt last year! Good to know I'm not alone.

And I loved when you wrote _"__ I was told by nursery staff that she's really easy going and has lots of friends and they think her social development with other kids is really good," _Well done - as I suspected you are doing a great job and should be proud! Being Mum is such hard work and nobody praises you. How long has Wyxling been with you? And you're spot on with trying to be Mrs Social when you're not that interested in the people. I feel awful saying that.... but perhaps as time goes on....

Duckling - I am learning to have a tougher skin. I definitely am too sensitive to what others say/think of me. Ive always been like that .... going to keep working on it. Afterall we all do our best! Thanks for sharing your feelings as sometimes I feel its ME! 

Missjojo - Your perspective is a breath of fresh air ... I think you speak a lot of truth. _"All the confidence they had was all in my imagination_" - Yes! My DH agrees. He says it will get easier with time and that things aren't always what they appear. Also when you said _"__All kids have different personalities, away from home and the intimacy of mum&me-time, my confident little dude seems to lose his personality." _That is exactly how I'd describe my LO. He is an amazing, kind, clever, chatterbox, funny little person at home but when in this situation he changes and to be honest it totally confuses/worries me. I KNOW he's not himself so what is he getting out of it??  Dh says I'm over thinking. Maybe so but I do want to do my best! 

Noodles x


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