# An answer to the question 'Do you have children?'



## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

I usually find that 'no' isn't enough to answer 'Do you have children?'.  There is usually an awkward silence, which I feel I have to fill, either by minimising my apparently inadequate response by saying "Maybe one day" or "We've only been married x amount of time!" or something other trite insincere comment, or else I have to change the subject entirely.  I have also realised that when the topic is children in general, it may be easier to state early on that I don't have any, so that I am in control and the awkwardness around my 'no' doesn't arise.  

I realised the other day that I could answer the question with "No - why do you ask?"  This is the kind of response I am used to giving in other areas of my life, and it would probably leave the questioner feeling quite awkward.  When I realised I could answer like this, I was immediately overtaken by a fit of hysterical giggles!  I don't really know why, but possibly in relief, and also my own cruelty at pointing out their nosiness. But also, why do people feel the need to ask? It's actually a really personal question.  If people want to share things about any partner or children or other family members or friends they may have, they will usually volunteer that information or it will come up in conversation.  

In talking with my husband, I've found out that he is occasionally asked this question, but "no" is quite acceptable as a response from him.  So the question isn't "Do you  have children?"  but "Are you a mother?" (as in, are you part of that club?) Thoughts?


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I always remember watching Birds Of A Feather when someone asked Dorien why she didn't have children and she replied "Its a choice between cream carpets and children, and i prefer cream carpets" or something like that. 

I tend to tailor my answer depending on whose asking. If it's someone who is just trying to make conversation I stick to "No". If someone is nice but being nosey I just say "Cats don't wake me up in the night a bury their own poo". If it's someone being all smug I tend to go with several different snippy comments, things like "No, kids age you and mothers never get their figure back" or "having spent half an hour with your kids I'm getting my tubes tied if I have to do it myself without anaesthetic", or my favourite (only to be used when drunk) "to be honest we have a very active sex life and children would just ruin all that"


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)




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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Love those cloudy    

i know exactly what you mean bobo. i always end up filling that silence.......... Once to stop the questions from people we know well, tried to say that we didn't want them, but that just starts the mummy/daddy club off with gasps of "what never!" so we don't do that avenue anymore! I try to stick at No, and not fill the silence if i can help it.


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## Sweetpea123 (Feb 26, 2013)

Ha ha I love this thread. I have been in many an awkward situation where I'm asked this question. I can't believe people ask as I wouldn't even dream of doing that to someone else. I've been told I'm getting on a bit to you don't want to be an old mum. Ive been asked in a big group and told i dont know what im missing. people are so niave and uneducated. Sometimes I think they're just jealous of my lifestyle.. Yeh right!

I just say no not yet and leave it at that but this does infuriate me and I'm glad it's not just me it irritates!! Cx


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

There are no answers, because to remain socially acceptable you have to lie and pretend that you don't want children, are not yet ready and are not to be persuaded otherwise. And the 'ooh you mustn't leave it too long....' makes me so angry, and I haven't really had to face it directly yet!


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Cloudy, love your responses, I'm so going to use the 'snippy' ones lol

I shocked myself a while back when an acquaintance asked why there were kids yet after 2 yrs of marriage... I just simply said, 'we can't' .... Now that was a conversation stopper! I actually felt really liberated as for once it felt like the onus was on the acquaintance to fill the awkward silence  

X
Ducky


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

Another thing to say is "sadly not" but I love the "no, why do you ask" answer hehe!


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## pumi (Aug 22, 2013)

I hate when people ask me this question as I would never dream of asking this to someone else. I usually reply that I am not ready to have children yet.or why do you ask?.. but unfortunately friends and families find this hard to accept and they will dig in more telling me stuffs such as well you are not getting any younger you know or well when will you both decide , what about your DH...hMMMM!


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

I think 'Why do you ask?' gently signals that it's not an appropriate question, even if they then come back with further annoying questions or statements.  I use this question in a role where I am not allowed to talk about myself (and this is known to the person interacting with me), so I think I find it quite a powerful question because it also signals to me that this person is being inappropriate in a way that I am used to quite confidently rebuffing in another role.

The idea that you may have already considered whether to have children and could be having difficulties or have other personal issues you might not want to discuss, doesn't appear to have entered the heads of the people asking.  So it's also a really patronising when followed up with further statements of encouragement or hurrying up etc


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