# has anyone had these thoughts



## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

well i came home from holiday to an appointment for glasgow on the 4th july, which i had been waiting on for donor ivf with my sisters eggs. but you wont believe this i am now having second thoughts, dont know if we should just go out to czech get it done unknown donor not tell anyone and be done with it. I love my sister and we are very close, but i have been having these thoughts, ie. i dont want to be beholden greatful i am not sure of the right word but for the rest of my life if it works. would i be thinking she is looking and thinking it was hers, what i truely want is it to be just mine and dh but that is not going to happen.so maybe it would be better if it was an anon person. my head is wasted at the moment. not going to do anything rash like  cancel appointment, as it may be a faze.   
sorry for the rant. have any of the girls who did known donor have these feelings they have came out of no where, have been planning this since my failed ivf in istanbul in feb.....

love buster


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I can see that with a sister, emotions can get complicated. 

My donor is a friend, and I am so pleased that our child will always be able to know the person who gave her genetic material. Anonymity is a big disadvantage for me, once I'd thought it through. I know most people aren't so lucky as to have a known donor. 

For me, being able to share the stresses of the process with another woman has been a great help too. Originally I planned to go to Russia with my DP, but I think it would have been very lonely and stressful. 

Have you had any counselling, with and without your sister? That might help think through your feelings.

There are some good books including one called "having your baby through egg donation" - click on my blog link and look in the right hand column udner resources. That book has a lot of good things to think about and help you decide what's best for you.


Does your sister have her own children?
xx


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## sweetcaroline (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi Buster

We needed donor sperm rather than eggs, but we initially approached DH's brother before having second thoughts and going for an anonymous donor.  As soon as DH's condition was diagnosed I thought 'Let's ask BIL!' as I thought it was the next best thing:  he would have a genetic link to the child and for me it was 'better the devil you know' than a totally unknown quantity.

However, after consideration DH felt that he didn't want someone else to have a 'claim' on our child and that it would always 'be there', if you know what I mean.  My BIL and SIL now have 2 kids but at the time didn't have any (in fact SIL had had a miscarriage) which also complicated matters: although they would have agreed it would have been reluctantly.  We thought it could have been difficult if they hadn't managed to have children and we had (and many other scenarios).  

I'm not saying that I think using your sister's eggs is a bad idea; I don't have a sister so it's very hypothetical for me to consider.  I also think that receiving donor eggs is different from our situation because you can truly say you nurtured that life, whereas my DH was (in a biological sense) surplus to requirements.  However, I did want to reply to say that I totally understand your reservations.  Now we have our son and absolutely love him to bits, I'm glad that we didn't ask BIL.  It's a difficult decision and there are pros and cons of either option but whatever you do decide, if you are lucky enough to have a baby (and I sincerely hope you are) I'm sure you won't have any regrets.

Very best of luck
Caroline xxx


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## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

thanks for your replys.i am not sure why i am now having these thoughts, had been through every possible senario, not sure if its because we have a date, or i just came back from week in tenerife with my mum, sister and her wee baby. i spoke to mum this morning and she says just to wait and see how i feel, she feels my sister would now be heart broken if i used an anon. maybe its just me and it getting closer, and this is truely our last go this will be number 6 but only first with donor eggs. 
i have been offered counselling, but it is not for me, i actually had a wee bit of a disagreement on the phone to the counsellor and refused to go, felt she was belittling. I am staff nurse, general my sister is also a nurse but psychy she also has a degree in psychology, i also have 2 degrees. i have a very broad accent and this lady spoke to me as if i was daft, i was like please dont judge me by my accent. and some of her comments were off the wall. oh dear    . i will just have our wee holiday and see how i feel.
thankyou again 
buster xxxxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Buster, maybe you and your sister can sit down and talk it all through?

If you can highlight the things that give you misgivings, perhaps you can either resolve them or she would see why you decided to gor for anon? I imagine you could also see an independent counsellor, if you didn't hit it off with the clinic one. It doesn't need to be an IVF specialist, just someone to help you tease out your feelings..

xx


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Buster

I think we have chatted before on another thread.  I am now PG with an egg donated by my younger sister and at the moment I have no reservations at all about it.  My sis and I discussed it at length before we went ahead, and we had counselling at the clinic with both partners as well.  This was useful in our case as my BIL had reservations about things, and I felt a bit awkward about discussing it with him, but with the counsellor there we managed to discuss his concerns between the 4 of us, and he is now fully behind us.  I felt our counsellor was good, and managed to ask the questions that really got to the heart of the matter, so maybe you should try and find another counsellor.

It's still anyone's guess how we will all feel when it arrives, but my sister was very insistent right from the start that she was giving an egg, nothing more, and that once the embryo was on board, it was my baby.  She has 2 children of her own, so doesn't feel the need to 'adopt' any other child.  Now that I am PG, it feels like mine.

I think a lot depends on your relationship with your sister and how far she can stand back and accept that it is your child.

It's a difficult decision, so take plenty of time to consider what is best for you.

If you have any more questions, please ask

love Essex Girl x


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## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

hi Essex girl yes we spoke before and thankyou for your reply, i really think i am being silly and maybe just how i am feeling at the moment. my wee sister is wonderful, we are very close she has 20 month old. she said look i want to do this, i flush them down the pan every blood month, you will carry it and nurture it it will be yours and my DH, don't know if its just getting nearer or that i know for sure this is my last time and need to make the best decision, and at the end of the day what we all really want is a baby by ourself and our partner, but i know this is now impossible. my sister and i are so alike in everyway looks colouring even our voices we can pretend to be each other on the phone even to our mum, so the baby could not be more closer than that. going away again for a wee week to family in Spain with DH so will just relax and chill. not mentioned this yet to sister as we have been over all this. oh its just me and my thinking to much i think i need to worry and if i have nothing to worry about i find something.
off to bed just in form a very busy nightshift.
thanks again and good luck hope you and beanie are keeping well
love Kim xxxxx


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## Angel KJ (May 23, 2007)

hey Buster, was thinking of using my sis too. but couldn't bear the thought of baby really being my hubby and sis'.... if that makes sense. have chosen to go with anon donor.  .


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