# What kept you going when ttc?



## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi girls, this is a post for those of you who struggled to conceive.

We have recently had our 6th failed IUI. For some reason this hit us completely unexpected. We assumed that one of us 'had to' get pregnant.

We have a mums group nearby and know a lot of ff couples with children. Some of them will have tried for years and years, had miscarriages and mental breakdowns. When they finally arrive at the group with their newborn, they beam and say it was all worth it. We are not too sure about this. And what would we be left with if we are not that lucky? Was it then still all worth it?

We find the each BFN more difficult to deal with. It is the balance of hope (why and how else would you put yourself through all this if not for the hope it will work) and the realisation that we might not have a child to show for it at the end that is really difficult to find. And whereas we started all this thinking we had treatment because we are lacking sperm, it now becomes apparent that we do actually have fertility problems.

When you started, did you have a number of cycles in mind you would go for. And did you stick to it?

I know its a bit of a gloomy post. But it would be great to hear from you if you had thoughts and feelings similar to us and what you made of it.

Candy


----------



## deemo (Oct 13, 2009)

Hello, sorry it hasn't worked out for you yet. 6 IUIs seem a lot (especially if you are paying) but if you look at it in straight terms then 6 months really isn't that much... straight couples have to try seriously for 1 year (which includes several inseminations per cycle - we don't have that luxury) before they even get offered any help. But I do understand it is frustrating. We had 4 IUIs and then went to IVF because of my low AMH. IVF seems to have 30% chance of working, IUI 10%. Would this be an option?


----------



## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Candy it is an interesting post I have had 8 IVF's (OE and DE in the UK and Spain) with many twists and turns, I have spent £80K+ on TTC and now turning to surrogacy with DE's.  I had a friend who started with 3 IVF's in mind as her limit, finance was not an issue for her and her partner at all and she stuck to it.  I didn't set a target and so have been carried along by emotion and kept going. I also said I wouldn't still be doing this when I was over 40 but here I am rapidly approaching 43! I don't think that your logical head can really take over as calling it a day is so hard. I see things as a hurdle set to test us, a bit like a horse in the Grand National but some get there in the end.  My donor's partner jokes and says it's like a good book, there is always a twist and turn when you think you know what to expect- have to laugh or cry!

I get support from the gay couple that I am TTC with, as I don't believe that anyone can really appreciate living the experience - the highs (like our BFP) and lows (miscarriage and failed cycles).

I think that it is highly personal and I found going to a fertility counsellor also helpful.

Good Luck


----------



## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hey,

we went straight for IVF, firstly with egg sharing and then our own cycles. We knew we would keep going until we had our family, and we know we still have a large part of our journey in front of us as we definitely want at least 1-2 maybe 3 more children... we kept reminding ourselves we wouldn't stop and that kept us going through the negatives...

We were totally niaive and thought if we opted straight for IVF we would get pregnant virtually straight away because of the higher success rates and our first cycle going wrong hit us hard... then we got a BFP on our second egg sharing cycle but it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy and it devastated us - to be honest we didnt start getting over it properly until we were about to start our next cycle because it felt like we had a chance again...

I have to say although the downs of ttc were more painful than I can ever imagine - it IS totally worth it...

good luck

ps JJ1 - I soooo hope this next cycle works for you - you and the guys who are on your journey with you totally deserve this xx


----------



## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Both me and my partner have been through the ttc journey and for my partner it was a long journey that unfortunately ended with her unable to carry any of our children. The journey came to an end really because of her age and the fact  that egg sharing was not really as common place as it is now 7 years ago. However, she never really stopped waiting ttc until after I had our DD. It was at that point that she recognised that she felt that she was too old and she thought that she would find pregnancy too much, but it was a very hard decision for her to make.

We never set a target about how long she/we would try. I think that was too hard a conversation for her to have and the fact that we just assumed that we would have a family, some how, some day. 

We have been very lucky since, and would like to be lucky again, however the limit of how long we will now continue has been set by the limitation of our sibling sperm rather than how long we would like to continue try for.

I do hope that you can find a resolution to an almost impossible question.


----------



## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Candy,
We did not set a limit but our 3rd BFN hit me so so hard, suddenly there seemed to be people everywhere getting pregnant and I really resented them    We went to see the fertility counsellor at our clinic which really helped. We also saw the consultant at our clinic where I talked success rates with her and tried to pursuade her to let us go straight to IVF for our 4th attempt. She was lovely and so understanding and talked us through all of our options. She also highlighted that it takes an average of a year for a straight couple to conceive. I reluctantly agreed to give IUI one more attempt but I was miserable throughout the process as I was so sure that this would not work for us, I was so surprised when it did.

We did not set a limit but did plan our process, ie one more nat. IUI then a medicated IUI then IVF. I don't know how many IVFs we would have done but the yearning to have a child was really strong, I am not sure that we would have been able to walk away?

Our new clinic has recommended 6 IUIs before we look at other things and I feel fine about this. I have told DW I feel we should stop after that and leave ttc #2 but she has asked if we can wait and see how we feel if we reach this stage, which makes sense to me.

DW and I relied on each other and our family and friends to get us through. For me the hardest bit was the unknowing of if it was ever going to work or not, ie, we could keep doing this and it may never work, it sounds like this is how you're feeling too Candy. From our perspective, the journey was definitely worth it and this may sound weird but actually, looking back, it no longer seems like the journey was as long as it felt at the time.

But everyone's journey and experience is different. I hope that you can make a decision that you are both happy with and I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide to do   
xx


----------



## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

We decided on 3 IUI's then IVF which we stuck to. Mind you I would have done endless IVF's as the desire to have a baby was so strong. The councellor at our clinic advised us to think of treatment in 3's as this is often the amount of IVF's realistically needed. We were incredibly lucky. We were both gutted to leave IUI behind as I stupidly thought that was all I would need & IVF seemed huge & scary - it wasn't. 

It's such a hard journey this ttc malarkey & there were times where I thought it would never happen. I was even reading the 'moving on' thread. Caught DW crying in the Disney store once, it was such a tough time. I distracted myself with exercise (which is so unlike me) & a blog which I'm going to resurrect this week. The very best of luck to you & DP.

BTW if you have proven fertility problems, can you go for IVF on NHS? Hope so! xx


----------



## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Candy,

Firstly    to you and your DP.

We got our BFP on our 6th treatment, and I had got to the stage as you are of thinking 'how much more can we go on?'. I knew deep down in our hearts, we would have kept going but probably not as frequently as we had been trying (we had 6 treatment in total over a year and a half) as I really couldnt see a life for us without children. However, I do understand where you are coming from, as my own parents were saying we shouldnt continue because it was putting us under so much financial pressure, and such emotional strain. It really was one of the hardest times of our lives/relationship TTC after each failed attempt. We got through it by supporting each other, and with the support of a few close friends. We didnt tell most of our family and friends we were TTC, however this did have it's downside because then other people didnt understand what we were going through and only saw that we must have looked miserable most of the time and were not doing anything (because we had no money) which I think added to the pressure, so I would say getting support from family and friends is a must. But having gone through the difficulties of TTC, I would say yes it is worth it. I have not forgotten the struggles we had but if I had to go through it all again to get Jacob I would! I really hope one day soon you will be looking back on this post with your bundle of joy and thinking YES it was all worth it. On a side note, I did read the book 'The Power' before the cycle which resulted in my BFP and it did help me think more positive, just a thought! 

Lots of luck to you and DW x


----------



## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

I found TTC a much longer harder journey than I had anticipated. Like you, I'd only thought that I needed access to sperm, and thought that I would get pregnant quite quickly (I had regular cycles, plus I made a lot of lifestyle changes to get myself in the best possible state fertility-wise). To then find that it really wansn't that easy was fairly devastating. 

I had 6 IUIs in total over about 15 months, although for me it was the 5th cycle that was really hard to deal with the BFN. I'd been part of a lesbian TTC group for some time, and quite literally everyone else had got pregnant, including several who had started trying after us. I became completely convinced that I/we were going to be the statistic; the couple who couldn't conceive. 

After #5 BFN, our clinic urged us to give IUI one last go before moving to IVF. At this point, I also decided to have a session of hypnotherapy, with someone that my sister had been seeing for weight loss. I have to say, the hypnotherapy was a revelation! I'm a bit of a pessimist by nature, but after just one session I walked out feeling positive about life, and also convinced that somehow, a baby would definitely come into our lives. The 6th IUI cycle didn't work either, but it wasn't nearly so hard to deal with, partly because I also felt very positive about moving on to IVF by this point (it seemed to offer a lot more certainty; i.e. knowing that sperm met egg, how the eggs had fertilised etc., and it this point I just wanted as much knowledge as possible). We didn't really expect the IVF to work first time (as I wasn't a good responder to drugs), but it did. We were in complete shock when we finally got that BFP. And oddly, after all the worrying about whether I would ever get pregnant, once I finally was, I had a certainty that it would all go right from thereon in (despite knowing the risks of miscarriage etc), and it was. And even before we had the heartbeat scan, it felt like all the trauma and heartache (not to mention the expense) was definitely worth it. We were able to put that behind us pretty quickly, although I know that's not the case for everyone. 

So I would concur that yes, it is all worth it, if you end up with a baby at the end of it, however gruelling the journey is to get there. Worth it if you don't manage to get pregnant? I can't really answer that (although we did have to take a decision re: stopping TTC#2 for reasons of low fertility; that's also hard, but not as utterly heart-breaking as not having a baby/child at all). I think that you do have to break TTC down into chunks of what is manageable, and when you should review whether you carry on or not; the target can of course move if you really can't bear to give up on your dream. We initially planned 3 IUIs before review, then another 3. We hadn't even considered IVF when we started out.

It's terribly hard. Do you have any clarity on just what the fertility issues might be for you? 

Wishing you all the best x


----------



## katena (Nov 14, 2007)

Hi,

Firstly Candy i just wanted to send you my warmest wishes and lots of    

For us - this has been a hard journey. We were lucky enough to get 5 IUI's on the NHS  - due to me having PCOS - but all were BFN's. We then decided to 2 goes of egg share which in money terms was just less than 1 IVF cycle. After EC on the 1st egg share i just felt that i couldnt have IVF again... i felt rotten. I think its cos i produced 24 eggs but who knows eh?! Were now having FET and that is the end of our TTC biologically. We're not on high earning jobs to continue.. and even if we saved/paid on credit i worry about what state we would be in if we concieved!

The biggest change for me with every BFN was the realisation that i really want a FAMILY.. and that any child doesn't have to mine biologically. So...if this FET doesnt work its off to adoption we go.

Good luck in whatever you do.. and i hope you find a way to cope!

karen


----------



## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

I thank you all so much for your lovely, honest and encouraging replies!!!

I think I had read them all at the time, but had already disappeared in a mental hole.

It is great to see that some of you seemed to have helpful advise from your clinics. We have so far had treatment in two different clinics and have not managed to build a trusting rapport with either of them. It's now clinic No. 3 and looking good so far.

Yes, by now we do qualify for IVF on the NHS, but there is a 2yr waiting list.
DW's AMH is soo low, that we were told every month counts. So, we are fast approaching IVF No.1 with DW. There is a risk there won't be (m)any follicles. And her lining tends to be thin.
The tragedy is DW really wants a child that has a genetic connection to her, but bless her, we are given a 10% success rate. This will be the only private IVF cycle we can efford and consequently most likely DW's last chance. We were considering 3rd party egg share, but her AMS is rubbish and I am too old. Well, that's one option less to worry about.

As it stands we feel there is an end in sight one way or another. For some strange reason this gives us some comfort for now.

Thank you again for your support!
And congratulations to Karen katena on your BFP!


----------



## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Candy76 - I am sorry you are having such a hard time TT. I was just wondering if your DW has had any other tests other than an AMH? Has she had an AFC test (antra folicle count) -it is a scan to show how many folicles she has? It may give you a fuller picture?

I do hope that you are successful this month.


----------



## Candy76 (Feb 19, 2011)

No, DW hasn't had any specific tests.
We both had a hycosy. And DW had a hormone profile done to understand her PMT. This showed low progesterone = thin lining + PMT.

No-one has had a conversation with us about which tests could be appropriate. With clinic 1 we felt like once we had handed over our money, they didn't make any effort any more. The NHS has just put us on their waiting list on the basis of failed IUI's without any further test (appart from bloods etc). Now that you say it, this doesn't seem economical.

With the impending IVF they will pump DW full of drugs and see what happens. She did overstimulate on one IUI. So, we are bracing ourselves for every possibility (from no follicles to overstimulating). And hope for the best.


----------

