# Meeting with birth parents



## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

We are meeting them next week, any ideas what to ask them?
I think it will be more of a discussion, telling her about how we are going to bring lo up, but am trying to think about things to ask, as this will be the first and only time we are meeting them.
Anyone with this experience? Any help would be great. 
For those who have letter box contact, how does the BM sign the letter? Not keen at all on her signing "Mummy X"


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Just to quickly comment on your question regarding contact.

They are not allowed to sign off contact letters with 'Mummy' ... You will be the only 'Mummy'  

The letters are all opened and checked by the letterbox co-ordinators for anything inappropriate.  Signing a letter off 'Mummy' would be a no no!  In addition, we were told that letterbox is sent from birth family to adopters and adopters to birth family, it is not a letter from birth family to child or the other way round ....

X


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you D E, good to know they can't sign the letter as "Mummy so and so", and being from her to us is definitely better than from her to lo x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

I should have said CONGRATULATIONS  on your match 

You had better get your Christmas shopping done now as you won't have much time once your little person turns your world upside down 

X


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you  
Christmas shopping is almost done so hopefully will get the last things done soon x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi KG


We met birth parents and I was dreading it but it actually went ok. We did not ask too many questions, I did ask about his birth which will be good to tell him when he asks but other than that did not ask much. They asked a few questions but really it was mostly for them to get a chance to meet us and vice versa. They gave us a few bits for him and we took a photo with them. BM did cry a bit and hug me and said she was happy to meet us and just asked a few things like whether we had a garden etc. It was all over quite quick thankfully!


Good luck!


panorama x


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you Panorama

Was the photo for you to keep?


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Yes took it on our camera for us to keep to show him, they won't get a copy obviously x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

KG81 said:


> Thank you D E, good to know they can't sign the letter as "Mummy so and so", and being from her to us is definitely better than from her to lo x


Some families do call the birth mother "Mummy Jane" or whatever, it is fairly common and helps younger children remember who she is - it would be appropriate if you chose this for her to sign off in this way I'd think, only if you thought it wouldn't cause repercussions. One family that did this, their children had only been brought up by grandma so Mummy X was a figure in the background not a direct memory.

Questions I have thought of for this situation:
Memories of their childhood, favourite things when they were children.
Things they remember (little stories or "firsts", perhaps, or favourite toys) from child's baby days (especially if you might not get a baby picture, you can tell them something about their baby days)
Any other medical issues that may have come to light or minor medical issues from childhood (that might not get put on a current medical form)
Telling them about the child's possible school/nursery/your neighbourhood in general terms (e.g. do you live near a farm/play park/is the school round the corner/how big is the nursery).

The one family at our prep course who did meet their child's birth mother (as opposed to other family members) said that it seemed to reassure her and help her to let go and she was interested in things like what type of school; it helped her to see that it was OK to let her child go to this family, that the child would be safe and have a good life - which is why I'm thinking things that describe her child's future family and neighbourhood, and also show that you are interested in telling your new child about her former family in positive terms as well as the reasons for them having to be adopted (age appropriate of course).


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

My daughters birth parents sign off as Mum and dad Number 2, which I dont mind at all.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi KG

We were told that Birth mother could not sign off letters this way.  For us it is not appropriate for her to sign off in this way anyway, she has never been 'Mummy', yes she is birth mother but not his 'Mummy' (with everything that that name means).

Our letters are addressed to Dear X and Y (OUR names) and signed off with first name only of the birth mother or father.

This was agreed when setting up letter box.  If you are not happy with letters being signed off Mummy then say so!  I know I would not be happy with that.  We had correspondence and guidelines (from the letter box co-ordinators) which said what was and was not appropriate and this was one of the things mentioned (obviously it is in some cases as observed with the other posters here). 

Speak up now if you are concerned.

Good luck with the meeting.  You will be fine 
X
X


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Meeting went very well, very happy we met them.
And they will sign with just their names, so that's fine x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks KG for asking we had initially been told we wouldn't be meeting BM however this week it looks like we will, we have said all along if we were gonna meet them we wanted to do it before our LO came home but that doesn't look likely now so will probably happen in the spring!  Pleased it all went well. Well as you started the question what did they say what did you ask etc


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

We didn't ask questions really, it was more of a discussion, they wanted to be reassured, to be sure he was going to a nice family I think x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Ok lovely Thanks


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I know you have already had your contact with Birth Parents but just wanted to pick up on the contact letters really for anyone else reading, so fa we have done 2 and have asked our son if he wanted to include anything, so far he has not, BM did reply last year and did include a letter for our son as well which she signed mummy xxxx, we were happy with this because she had been his mummy for 5 years and we cannot take that away, to us though he refers to his BP by the 1st names, his choice.
We have not shared the letter that BM wrote as we felt that he was not ready for it but have put it away for him for when he is older and we feel he is able to deal with it.


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you M M x x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

also for info - where we live BM are allowed to sign as 'mummy'. Our childrens BM does sign mummy X and i have no problem with that. That is how we refer to her in the life-story work and so in a way avoids any confusion.
i don't actually think that adoptive parents should have the right to dictate what BP are called - ultimately adopted children come with a past and BP will/and should always have a place in that. Its a way for the child to make sense of it all IMHO.


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

Regarding letter box, how do others write theirs? I write from myself, but my friend writes as though it were the child writing, which I wouldn't feel that comfortable with.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We write letters from us,  we have always told him when we are writing and if as he gets older he wants to write we will let him. I do know people who write as if its from their child though, I suppose its how you prefer to do them yourselves.


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