# Why so sad?



## shill (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi everyone, 
God it's tough isn't it.  I'm new to these boards but I can't tell you how helpful I've found them, even just reading the old posts.  The beauty of it is we're all going through the same thing, in as much as we're struggling to have a family, so we understand in a way that no one else can. 

My reason for posting today is that I had my first IVF BFN on 30th July, and although I felt crushed at the time I thought I was doing well "dealing with it".  But then over the last couple of days I've felt this wave of sadness and I don't know if I'm still greiving for my little embies, or if it's the hormones adjusting or what.  To make matters worse, my close friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Monday.  I'm genuinely thrilled to bits for her but there's a dark little corner of my soul that's jealous. I'm trying desperately to keep a handle on it and not burst into tears every time I see her but it's hard.  I feel so guilty for feeling jealous.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Shill hun the way you are feeling is perfectly normal. it will take time for the sadness to lesson, you are still grieving and hormones don't help do they   sending you big    

pam xx


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi Shill

Its perfectly normal to feel what ur feeling as ur grieving for ur babies regardless of whether they implant or not they are ur babies and its very painful when u lose something that means everything to you.  Your really not alone in ur feelings are sadness because i too was devastated when my 1st attempt failed i really felt like i had come crashing back down to earth as i expected to get pregnant as it was my 1st time at IVF.  
It took me a good 5 months to pick myself up and even then i felt sad and lonely and that no-one understood and everyone i saw was pregnant, It must be very hard seeing ur friends baby but remember ur turn will come and ur have ur baby to hold.  Jealousy is also completely normal and i understand that ur thrilled to pieces over ur friends baby but it does not change the way ur feeling and jealousy can play a part as it did with me many of times.  My DP use to say don't worry ur turn will come and he was right because on my 2nd attempt i got pregnant and i now only have 9 weeks left until i have my baby and i never dreamed for one second i would ever say that.

Stay believing Honey i know its hard and the road seems so long and lonely but one day soon it will all be worth the wait trust me.  
   DREAMS DO COME TRUE    

In the mean time babes stay close with ur partner and get lots of cuddles and keep believing. xxxx
If it helps there is a thread called Forget Me Not and u can post ur own little diary it really helped me as everyday i wrote how i felt and talked to my embies in my diary it made me feel like i was not forgetting just getting by. xxxxx

Loads of hugs babes stay strong xxxxxxxxxxx

shye xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## shill (Jul 30, 2007)

Thank you both for your kind words.  In my more rational moments I know it'll get easier it's just the sadness creeps up on me from time to time and I get overwhelmed by it.

I keep thinking I should be grateful, we've only had one failed IVF attempt whereas there are people that have suffered much worse heartache than we have. 

Still, we all know that rationality isn't always available when we need it!

Off to see my friend's baby tonight, give her our gifts and have a drink to celebrate (must not cry, must not cry).

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply.  It does make you feel better when you know there are other people out there that understand how you feel x


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Ur be fine tonight hunny stay strong. xxxxx

Hope u feel better soon.

love shye xxxxxxxxxx


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

shill so sorry for you lost embies i too had 1 failed cycle back in may and it took me weeks to stop crying hun xxxxx we all know how you feel and can share your pain xxxx

i also have lots friends with new babies and do cry from time to time it is only natural that you feel jealous and wis it was you there is no way to deal with it apart from self preservation xxxxx

Cry when you need to hun it will ease with time honest it might not feel like that yet but it does get a little easier xxx

take care love xxx


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## icky (Oct 6, 2005)

Shill - so sorry for your BFN. 

I too had a BFN on the 9th August. It was our first attempt and we were so positive but cam ecrashing down to earth with a big bump.  We went away for a few days after and I too thought I was doing well, but not so sure now.  I'm ok one minute and then get this overwhelming feelign of sadness and emptiness and a "lost" feeling.  My DH is been so supportive but doesn't know what to say to me, he jsut gives me a big hug which makes me cry even more.  I know it will get better one day just wish these feelings of emptiness would go away

xxx


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## shill (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi icky, 

I know exactly how you're feeling.  The support on these boards are right though it does get easier.  Although saying that, the other night we popped around to our friends that have just had the baby, I went to the loo came back and my DH was holding her!  Well, that I'm afraid was too much, and I couldn't hold back the tears.  Hopefully I was descrete enough so only a couple of people noticed!

It sounds like you've got a lovely supportive DH, so together you can get through anything.  Just keep going, the days will get brighter and eventually you'll be at peace with the loss.  One thing that definitely helped me was setting a timeframe for another go.  We have a 3 frosties and we're going to try with those in November/Dec when we get back from hols.  Having that in mind gave me renewed hope. Obviously I still think of my first two little embies - that's the furthest we've ever got and it still makes me sad to think of them but you have to be strong and move on. 

I do hope you're feeling a bit better now.  Be strong and I'm sure your time will come.  

Take care xx


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## Louise29 (Mar 24, 2007)

Hi Shill

I also had a BFN this year. My 1st cycle ended with only 7 eggs so I decided to donate them all and try again. I cried for ages but having the next cycle to think about helped me along. When I got the BFN on my 2nd cycle I was devastated, I cried for England. I really thought that this time it would happen for me, everything looked so good. I was so jealous of everyone around me and to be honest I still get very jealous. I did start looking into going again but I dont know if I can physically, emotionally and financially. 

All the advise I can give you is to stay close to your DH. We had lots of rows about it but it really has brought us closer by talking about how we feel. My DH never thought as them as babies, I did. When I said that I was pg and miscarried he hated it cos he felt I was letting myself go through so much pain. I would have been half way through a pregnancy now and still think of what could have been. 

Take care and lots of love

Louise xx


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