# In Limbo...



## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

Hi everyone

Just looking for somewhere to let it all out really... I'm on my first round of IVF but, at EC last Friday the clinic suddenly told me that we couldn't proceed to ET because I have two huge polyps in my womb. I was absolutely stunned; how could this have been missed after dozens of scans?! So upset and I still haven't really gotten over it to be honest... all I want to be is pupo and at least have a chance..  

anyway, I am now waiting for an NHS Gynae appt in two weeks' time to sort out a hysteroscopy. It is being done under the two-week wait (NOT the kind I was hoping for!) to rule out cancer, but it still seems so far away.
I know I should just focus on the positive fact that we have 10 beautiful frozen embies just waiting for us to hurry back to them, and my DH has been a star, but I feel so lost and don't know what to do with myself. I'm still sore from the difficult EC and don't feel like doing much... I feel like I'm neither one thing or the other; technically I suppose I should be running up and down, drinking lots of caffeine-laden drinks and wine and eating Brie, but I don't feel like doing any of those things! (maybe the brie...)  
it's doubly difficult, because everyone on here I was chatting to excitedly is moving on with their 2wws and BFPs and I feel left behind! (don't get me wrong, they've been lovely, but I feel like I don't belong there any more..)  

I think I'm just feeling low about it all ... don't know when I can expect AF either now the cycle has been abandoned, so feel well and truly in limbo and fed up about it! If anyone has any wise words, encouragement or sympathy they could share, I would really appreciate it!
love
wombat xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

wombat you have a better chance than i.

i got no frosties so if this doesn't work i have to start again from scratch, with probably an even lower AMH (was 4.54) and by the time they let me cycle again i will be 42...
i have fibroids which they pointed out at one of my early scans - when i said should i get them treated first they said no because there wasn't time - they reckoned by the time i waited for surgery and then recovered from it my AMH might be vanishing altogether. 
you have possibly 5 chances at putting 2 back, plus you'll be all fixed up nicely after the surgery, compared to my one chance... (and my embies are low grade)..

reckon i might swap.. i think your odds are better xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

ps. have some brie for me please!!!!


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

hi goldbunny... sorry to hear you have such a lot to contend with. From your response, it seems as if you are telling me to look on the bright side because things could be even worse but I am sure you can appreciate that sometimes that is really difficult, especially when there is nothing I can actually do about my situation at the moment.
hey - at least you are pupo!
I will now take your advice and go and eat some brie...


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

why don't you join in the the chatter thread while you wait  
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278243.210


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

Thank you shellbelle, I will check that out - still trying to navigate around the site! 
Thanks for the hug xx


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## LauraHC (Mar 14, 2012)

Hi Wombat - poor you. I've got to join you now in the wait for frostiness - my fresh cycle didn't work. Am currently trying not to cry at work  

My clinic says I have to wait three months for the frozen cycle - bah. I honestly wouldnt mind being put to sleep for the intervening period. 

Lauraxx.


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

Hi Laura
I'm so sorry to hear that your fresh cycle didn't work - I've been trying to keep up with all my old buddies on here but it has just got too sad lately; it doesn't seem to be working for anyone! A massive   for you; I really do sympathise.
It's horrible isn't it, trying not to cry at work. The stupidest little thing can set you off; I'm sure people will start to think I'm crazy/got the runs if I spend much more time running off to the toilet!!  
for me, the hardest part is not being able to control my emotions - some days I feel quite positive about it all, and then others just so bleak, it's ridiculous, especially as we are lucky to have little frosties at all. But I seem to have waited and wanted so much to be pupo, and then right at the last there is a new obstacle and I have no idea how long it is now going to take... sigh...
so anyway, I just wanted to send you a big, heartfelt   and to let you know that I'm here if you want someone to talk to. I tried hibernating under the duvet but someone came and found me...  
here's hoping our wait goes quickly and we can hurry back to our snowbabies!  
love
wombat xx


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## LauraHC (Mar 14, 2012)

Hi Wombat 

Yeah, am feeling pretty sorry for myself. Just really expected it to work and now feel like a moron. I honestly feel like this is some sort of punishment and that I'll NEVER get pregnant - if IVF doesn't work, what will!? But then there is also the evil hope saying 'of course you'll get pregnant at some point. OF COURSE YOU WILL' despite all the evidence to the contrary. I am at present spending all my energy just putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to think about it too much (easier said than done.) 

This 3 month wait is going to be awful. I am already so so angry in a way that isn't helpful - for instance my best mate (who has just had a baby herself) texted me and said that I just need to give it time and that it will get easier - I immediately was furious and texted back that it wasn't going to get easier unless I have a baby and that looks as unlikely at present as me going to the moon. Really quite unnessary behaviour from me. I am full on in the bitter-barn. Hope I get out of it soon otherwise I shall turn into a twisted old woman who can't speak to people with children. I already find it hard enough as it feels like everyone I know is pregnant or has a little one. 

Bah. I completely understand what you mean about swaying from the bleak to the quite hopeful - its soul destroying  

Laura xx


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

Hi Laura, this is for you:     
I sooooo know what you mean about feeling stupid for thinking it might actually work! I feel like I've failed again when, in fact, we really have to give ourselves a break - we have produced good eggs and embryos and frosties and this is just a little hiccup on the delightful fertility rollercoaster which I, for one, cannot wait to get off of!
As you can probably tell, I'm looking on the bright side today but I share your feelings completely. I've become a bit of a hermit since this whole thing began because I can't bear to be around friends with children - the trouble is, even the most sympathetic people don't know what to say, because there isn't anything - I can't help feeling sorry for your poor friend who was trying to be nice, but just ended up making you even angrier, because it is just SO frustrating when you're powerless. But I am sure she will understand as she is a friend  
I'm going out to dinner tonight with two friends who are, thankfully, childless, and one of them is the only person who knows what we're going through, so at least I have a baby-free evening to look forward to! Sending you big wombat hugs and loads of     - I hope and pray for your low feelings to pass, and for August to come swiftly!  
love
wombat xx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey Ladies, 

The world LIMBO you have to love it   how accurate it is. 

We spend all our time waiting for our intial referal...tests...waiting for results... waiting to decide whats next... waiting to start.... I actually feel like I deserve an honourary Masters In Waiting  

Wombat - I'm so sorry to hear that you got lumbered with a diversion in your journey, I've never had frosties BUT I'm sure that whilst the magical fact they're there brings comfort it can't remove the sadness and sence of unfairness at your journey being paused by forces outside your control. How could it because lets face it we all despite our best attempts, make plans day dream about dates and stages and the magical what ifs of a BFP.  

However I'm sure as the days pass and the inital suprise and frustration disperse more and more of your time will be spent thinking of the magical frsties gifted to you, and less about the few weeks in between. 

Sadly for me being PUPO, well it didnt work out, and now am back in the mythical waiting room waiting for the waiting to be waited out so to speak. 

I'm very lucky in that I've met such an amazingly stonking support network here I have been able to dust myself off and come back excited, and hopefull and ready to share my journey again (I just wish my journey was a little shorter   ) On saying that, I'd be lying if I said even now a week after OTD there weren't a few tears that ocassionally threaten to breach my defences (luckily as yet a deep breath wins) 

Luckily my hubby sees these moments coming well in advance and ensures chocolate and a hug is on offer (the sticky plaster of my IF grazes)

Laura - We all get a little angry sometimes   , at the end of the day you HAVE to greive a failed cycle, I defy anyone to tell me other wise (They would not like my scary face  )  because even without the possitive pee stick or flickers of that inital heartbeat, we loved our embies, those little squidgy cellular circles held our dreams and hopes, its ok to feel sad that they couldnt stay with us, BUT equally I know for me I'm determined not to only think of the bad as I need to be strong and healthy so when I do become a mummy however we eventually get there my LO will need me and whatever hads happened will be worth it. 

I wrote a poem for mine cliche as it is.... it helped, I also have a little wicker box with the negative pee stick and embie picture, supprisingly perhaps, I dont look at them and feel sad, instead I look at them and smile cause I'm officially trying, and while my three embies didnt stay, they did turn into stars to light my way, they were the starting of a story, and one day I will get my happy ending !


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

Bubble, what a beautiful post xxx
I couldn't have put any of it any better, you're amazing  
And you are right, we all just have to trust that every damn step will be worth it in the end!
love wombat xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

gotta hang on to _something_.


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## wombat13 (Apr 5, 2012)

wow, that's a whole lot of positive thinking!
love it!  
xxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

We can do this ladies   ! 

We may be stuck in the waiting room, but we can wait together through bad and good while we're here


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## chocbunny (Jan 6, 2012)

Some beautiful posts and positive thinking here, may I join you?  
I feel I may have finished grieving for me little embies (OTD a month ago now) mainly because I was thrown a whole heap of appendicitis the week after my test so recovering from that has kind of distracted me   but so much has gone on, so much hope and joy and pain and disappointment the last couple of months, I'm not sure I feel strong enough just yet to roll straight onto the next cycle although the clinic are happy enough for me to.  Hopefully some of your strength will rub off on me thes next few months.
Love and hugs to you all.  This is so much harder than I imagined and in such different ways.  We are incredible to raise our heads and our hearts and try again.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey Chocbunny - sorry to hear about your negative tx, blimey sounds like your appendix chose a lovely time to give up the ghost  
It never rains but it pours eh? 

Very much hope you're feeling better from surgery  , as for when to cycle again I think every lady is different, for me its only been a week and two days and half of me would happily start tomorrow, the other half of me feels I need two or three months to just detox, physically and emotionally before my time is here. Luckily cash flow takes the decision out of my hands   so I will be waiting three months or so by the time I've also conquered immunes. 

Will you be having a fresh cycle or do you have some magic frosties?

We are amazing us ladies 100% pure gold fairydust!! 

Sending hugs for the poo days and lots of laughter and best wishes for the good ones


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## chocbunny (Jan 6, 2012)

hi bubble,
Thanks for your lovely get well wishes.  Has been kind of a crazy time!  Alarmingly, I assumed it was all down to painful ovulation as I've heard that's quite common immediately folllowing a cycle.  It was only when I asked a few of the ladies talking about it on here about how bad their symptoms were that I realised it wasn't normal and probably ought to get it seen to.  Otherwise I'm one of those people (stupid?! martyr?!) I would have just tried to ride it out with a hot water bottle which would have ended far worse!!
Anyway, back to IVF - I have no frosties so back to the beginning and injecting again.  Like you, when i first got the neg result I wished I could just go straight into the next cycle and 3 months seemed like an eternity to wait, but things have been further complicated by the surgery - DH has been... (trying to sum this up politely!)...disappointing!  And I feel like the week in hospital and all this forced recovery time is someone telling us there's a thing or two to sort out before we get our family.  The good news is, having been opened up they can now rule out endometriosis as a possible cause for the blastos failure to implant.  My AMH has come back fine and they are doing DNA testing on DH's little guys today, trying to find a reason all the embryos development slowed down after day 3.
We're fortunate we get a second shot on the NHS.  I was left so devastated and swollen after a neg IVF but I can't imagine how much worse it must feel to have that result and have paid out £5k or more 
What's your situation with your immunes?  That seems like the recommended advanced investigations.  I wondered if that might have affected things for me - if my body was on the attack trying to deal with my infected appendix would my system have attacked my little embies too?  
Sorry for so much me stuff.  Although it's been a month in a way I feel like all these emotions and questions just got put on hold.
Hope everyone is finding strength today from somewhere.


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

Join in the chatter on the BFN/Inbetweenies thread
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=287607.0


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