# Ist ICSI/BFN/hibernating ~



## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Hello there,
I'm a newbie and this is my first post. Unfortunately I'm joining at a complete low but reading and knowing that are loads of us in similar situation really helps.  We discovered FF during the 2ww - thank goodness for you all!  

BigFatshockingN on Wednesday (12/12/07) when I was stupidly convinced we had twins on the way!  

Flooded the kitchen/bed with tears for the last 4 days and want to hibernate. 

Forced ourselves to dinner with a couple of friends last night who also don't have kids (and who don't know about our probs/ treatment)so thought we'd be 'safe' and it might do us good. First thing they showed us was a phone video of twin foetus's dancing to jazz  - unbelievable. I got shakes, backed off and nearly had to run home, not sure how I carried on (we have kept it a secret except from parents and immediate best friend each). Back to hibernating....so devastated, coz we agreed to only do ICSI once - seems long time 'trying' in vain and full of too many negative months and negative ending!

I'm planning to miss my FIL's 65th birthday party with 70 people on Tuesday, Not only too much, too soon, but he also invited our friends who were married in same year and who have their first baby -girl only a few weeks ago. Still haven't been to see her, although my DH took presents. She doesn't know the real reason why I haven't been. I just can't put myself in that position when I'm feeling so awfully vulnerable and completely raw. 

I don't want people knowing our biological problems and bad enough having a judgmental chemist (could have punched him when he inferred it wasn't worthy of NHS support - all I could murmer out was that now infertility is such a growing problem it's just nice to be offered help when there seems no hope./oops not normally aggressive but so full of emotion!!).

My SIL is expecting her 2nd baby in Feb, and we haven't been to visit them for 6months and don't plan to soon!!! Mum made us tell them yesterday so as not to cause a rift. Could only send them an e-mail. Thank goodness for FF - we adapted that printable list to send to them, which was so much easier than verbalising it! Another hurdle over.  

I keep analyzing what happed from ET to results day. DId I loose them on the couch immediately after ET? Is it normal to have liquid come out (no pee) on table when sit up - they seemed very sorry and no tissues to wipe up. Or on the 6th / 7th day excruciating cramps and nearly projectile vomited in the night? Anyone else had liquid come out when sat up on operating table straight after transfer? Anyone else hibernating?

Baby dust to all!
Amethyst x


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## mist (Feb 9, 2005)

Hi Amethyst,

Welcome to FF and I'm so sorry to hear your news         . I think I know how you feel as I had a BFN on 28th November after having DE ICSI treatment in Spain. It is so hard and I've been not motivated to do much since either. I'm supposed to be doing my brothers business accounts this afternoon but I've just spent a few hours on FF and I feel much better !!! 

I  too have asked the same questions as you, in fact I even said to DH where did my embies go !!(the clinic gave me a scan picture of them after my ET) and I asked myself did I rest enough after transfer. Reading the posts there are no easy answers, some people jump straight on a plane and are successful and others have bedrest and are not. 

Yesterday I went for a coffee in a department store with my DM and we sat next to a lady with twins, my mum spoke a lot to the mother and when we left I burst into tears in the middle of the store, all I could think of is that I wanted twins so much.

Nothing I say can take away your pain but I can empathise with you.

FF is a great website and you will find great support.  

I hope you know you're not alone and I hope you feel better soon.   

I am going to try DE treatment again. Will you not try ICSI again? 
Whatever you decide I really wish you and DH the best of luck.

Take Care lots of    

Love Mist x


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## Strawberries (Apr 6, 2005)

Hi Amethyst,

Just like to say hello and  to fertility friends 

So sorry to hear about your  Hun.

I know what your going through, I've had two failed cycles of IVF this year, due to start my 3rd cycle Feb/march 08.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Take care

Strawberries xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

& Welcome to FF  Amethyst  
  I am so very sorry to read your post, I can honestly say its made me cry.
As hard as it is the more you shut out the world, and the things that cause you pain, the more it affects you as a person, your hope, your dream, your strengh, I'm not saying go in all smiles and happy ever afters, but deep breaths and firm affermations that it will be YOU they come to see soon bearing gifts, is one way of coping.
Its not easy and you'd think I would have the answers after 16 years, and all my family and friends reproducing, but I dont, I just have ways of coping, I like to be told, directly, and then left alone awhile to digest it and cry, before having minimum contact/info from them
this normally lasts until they are in second tri! 
then Im Ok.  its the suprise anouncemnets that are the hardest, allow a cry and self wallow in hibernation, then put on your battle robes and do battle.
we all cope in different ways, there is no right or wrong way, just keep hold of faith and believe in YOUR dreams comming true someday, somehow.

I am going to leave you some direct links to boards here on FF - that you may or may not have found, I encourage you to post in these areas to build friendships and support from members who really do have an understanding of your situation, keep reading and posting, brighter days will soon be here.
Ive never got beyond EC so I cannot help with your questions sorry.

Negative cycle - 
CLICK HERE

ICSI Follow up Questions
CLICK HERE

G&B - Community board
CLICK HERE

To make the site easier to navigate click on the index tab at the top of any page - pink hearts mean there is something new within the board you have not read/looked at and if you scroll right down you will see the last ten posts from all over FF all are clickable  if you refresh this page (f5) it will update the last ten posts as well as the boards/threads and who's online!!!
take some time to look at the *help tab* too 

Check out the *Locations boards* for where you live & a site search for your *clinic* 

Wishing you Friendship  &    


If you need any help just ask! 
~Dizzi~


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Amethyst

Welcome to Fertility Friends 

I am so sorry that you're finding this all so hard.  It's a really difficult journey and there are many ups and downs along the way.  If it helps I've had liquid come out on the table everytime I've had ET it's because they rinse out and clean your cervix before putting them back and it's just a bit of fluid left from that.  The best way to describe it after ET is that your embies are like a grain of rice in a jam sandwich so they are snuggled in really tightly following ET they can't just fall out hun.  It's impossible to say why they didn't go on to create a positive result or at what stage they stopped developing.  The cramps you had are more likely caused by the Progesterone support you had during your two week wait.  Try not to analyze it all now hun, it won't change the outcome sadly and the "what-ifs" are enough to drive you mad.

Have you been to see your Clinic Counsellor?  If you're finding it hard to accept your negative result and to come to terms with what the future may hold, it might be a good idea to make an appointment and go and talk through your feelings with the Counsellor.  This will give you some closure around your recent cycle and will help you to clarify what's next.

In the meantime, FF is a community of over 20000 most of whom can relate to the flat and desolate feeling that follows a BFN. I know you don't feel like it now, but I promise you that it does get easier, your grief becomes more manageable.  Please remember that what you are experiencing is grief just the same as if you'd lost a relative and there's a process of grief you have to go through to come out the other side!   The speed with which you proceed through the 4 stages of grief are different for everyone hun and you shouldn't rush yourself to make progress more quickly than you can cope with.

Be kind to yourself, rely on your husband to support you and in just a few weeks you will start to feel like you're coping again.

Take care

Axxxx


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## Julie-Anne (Mar 2, 2006)

Glad you've found ff and I echo what everyone ha already said. Sorry about you BFN but sending you lots of positive vibes next time it will be a BFP    I am sure you will find ff the helpful and supportive place I have,

Julie xx


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## emsy25 (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.

Emma
x x x x


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## struthie (Sep 28, 2004)

Hello and welcome to FF,I can only echo what everyone else has said,and I hope we can all help you to heal,lots of love to you xxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello Amethyst, welcome to Fertlity Friends. 

You do sound very down in your post - completely devastated by your recent BFN . Having done my share of post BFN hibernating and post m/c cancelling of all things festive and fun, I do understand where you are at right now. Sadly, IVF is still so hit and miss and, it seems not to matter if you have a really good chance of success - you still have to contend with dumb old luck spoiling the party. 
Amanda has given you some great advice and yes, it really does get easier over time, although I know it may not feel that way right now.
Take care. I hope you find the support and friendship you need on FF. 

C~x


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Oh Hello and THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO much for all your lovely words, Mist, Spooks, Strawberries, Dizzi, Amanda, Julie, Emma, Struthie and Caz          . It was so good to hear from you. 

Really reassuring about the fluid being from the cervix cleaning too. I'm going with that thought and holding on to it! At least then we can still think of our little embryos as really in there. Swollen boobs etc wasn't just some pavlovian reaction! We didn't get shown anything on screens at the ET- or at EC for that matter ! Only a screen with my blood pressure was visible -which zoomed up everytime it hurt (and alarmed poor DH!) He was a real cherub looking after me as a result though

I hope those signs send hugs to each of you. (still finding my way around). You've really made me feel better. 

Tonight's the night of the party and I'm hiding and faking a migraine. My poor DH is going without me tonight coz its his dad and he 'must'. He's on a table with a heavily pregnant lady (expecting her 3rd) with her DH and a new mum and her DH, I just hope he copes ok as I'm sure it won't be easy with the inevitable baby talk. Thank goodness his best mate will also be there -to save the day (single and no kids). I will have to make it up to him big time, but I can't put myself in that situation yet without making a fool of myself. NEXT TIME! brave face and feeling less raw. Definitely. Thanks again everyone, you really helped. 

love and hugs
Amethyst  
x


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Hello Mist, 

I'm so sorry to hear about your BFhorribleN on 28th November and the situation with the twins . So kind of you to share your story with me. I really appreciate it and I can totally empathise with you too. It's funny how there seem to be far more babies and mums to be out there than before?!   There all out there on mass coz of Christmas which is another reason I'm hibernating. 

We haven't made any further decisions yet but there is a possibility we might try again, (unlikely but never say never!) but very best of luck and loads of baby dust    to you. Sending you lots of hugs too    

Amethyst
x


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Amethyst,

didnt want to read and run hun - just wanted to say welcome to FF - well done for finding it - i also found it after bfn from first icsi.  I hope you do try again - i'm proof that it does work!  I always assumed the first one wouldn't, so although it was hard i never expected it!  i am a third time lucky girl, but it never gets easier!

good luck with whatever you decide, and big hugs and babydust.


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Best of luck Strawbs for your 3rd go in Feb/March    

Poor Spooks!    

Emotionally red raw and asked to a Sperm Party... If it doesn't rain it pours! Crikey! I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry  :' coz it's almost unbelievable and heartbrakingly tragic in its reason and timing! That's in another league to a big birthday party to avoid!

You DEFINITELY did the right thing in not going! We would not have gone either if we were put in the same position if that's any help! Can't believe they asked you when they knew - they probably didn't want to make you feel left out, but then seems an odd type of party to hold. Maybe they're really insecure in everything except fertility virility/ so really important for them!?!

It has been six days since our BFN, and I have found that every day that passes gets a bit easier . I only cried once yesterday! Had a friend to lunch (who didn't know) which was nice and easy going. Maybe that's the way forward, bit by bit.

Hope you feel much better soon Spooks.  
Take care,love and hugs,
Amethyst
x


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Gosh, Thanks for the hope Sallywags. 3rd time lucky for you, that's BRIL! I'll keep hoping. Thanks for the welcome.
Hugs, 
Amethyst
x


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Hi Spooks! 
That's excellent news. New hope and new places. Perhaps you could begin to write your first chapter now while it's still all fresh in your mind and update it as the plot unfolds. Hope it has a really happy ending. . Could be another new thing - 1st book published in 2008! Certainly seems there will be a big target market!!!!! 

(The party tonight is where we held our wedding reception, another reason to avoid it! , don't want to tarnish it with any negative thoughts. Want it surrounded in happy positive light in my memory, like yours too, I suspect. )
Love and hugs 
Amethyst
x



> Hi Amethyst,
> I'm actually feeling very positive today. Just spoke to clinic about next course of action and it's hopefully all systems go in January for a medicated cycle - providing there's a donor available - worry about that bit when/ if it happens.
> This certainly is a roller coaster. DH are I are still in semi-hibernation but I'm planning for us to do lots of things we don't usually do. I find it hard to go to places where we first dated, where we had our wedding etc. as I just think of all our dreams and how I naively thought it's all be so easy. so lots of new places is good.
> It will get easier for you too I'm sure.
> ...


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## Amethyst (Dec 10, 2007)

Hi Amanda and Dizzy,

You both seem so wise and knowledgeable and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts with me. We live on an Island and only have a voluntary counsellors unless we catch a plane! So glad I've found FF and wonderful people like you.  
Hugs, 
Amethyst
xxx



MandyB1971 said:


> Amethyst
> 
> Welcome to Fertility Friends
> 
> ...


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Glad FF is working its magic, Take care

~Dizzi~


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Evening!

I just thought I'd pop by and see how you're doing and it's made me smile that with each day that you've posted on here your posts are sounding a little more upbeat.

I hope you feel like you're coping a bit better now hun. 

Take care

Axxxxx


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## mist (Feb 9, 2005)

Hi Amethyst,

Thank you for your post, it was great to hear from you. 

I hope you are feeling a little better. 

Just to say I'm thinking of you and sending lots of   .

Hoping that 2008 will bring you lots of luck      

Take care and lots of   

Love Mist x


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi and welcome to the site 

You have come to a fantastic place full of advice and support and i wish you loads of luck with everything.

Kate xx​


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