# New and confused!



## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi all,

After snooping and sitting in the background I thought I would sign up and get some real support.

After 4.5 years ttc and lots of tests later my partner and I have been told that he has a low sperm count and motility. Referred for ivf and awaiting first appointment.

I feel that even at these first early stages there is so much pressure, ten weeks lifestyle changes for him, time moves too slowly and the tension between us is just crazy!! I am being a grumpy witch and he seems to be fine with all of this.

Anyway, that's my rant.


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## RubyC (Feb 9, 2014)

Hi Jenbal,  

We also received that news, we were upset but tried to be positive by taking the steps forward and starting treatment for ICSI. Hope you'll be successful without that but we were lucky first time. I had acupuncture which I found relaxing.
I know at the time it feels like things move so slowly but try to stay relaxed- easier said than done I know! 
All the best,
Ruby C x


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi RubyC,

Thanks for the reply. We have been looking into acupuncture I will have to find somewhere local as a few places I have looked have been over £100 for an hour!! Is that normal??

I am trying to stay positive but trying to get my DH to feel something. He seems indifferent to the whole process or maybe it's just me being super inpatient  

It is so nice to hear a positive outcome and helps me keep a positive outlook.

Jen x x


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## tricia1012 (Mar 20, 2014)

Hi jenbal, welcome to ff  my DH is the same we've been through quite a bit but he just shrugs it off and looks forward guess it's just there way of coping . My mum says it's good that one of us is always positive though . 

I did acupuncture Aswell and although I haven't been successfull yet it def helps to destress me . I pay £50 for an hour £100! Sounds a bit much try and find a few more if you can . 

Best of luck 
Tricia x


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi tricia,

I suppose it is good in a way that they stay positive. He has said since day one it will happen when its supposed to and is always there for hugs when i feel down but i just cant help feeling so entitled to this. Wow i sound so crazy am at the point where i feel i will do whateve  i can to help the process along.

Fingers crossed for you and your journey x x x


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi All,

It has been a while since I last posted and I can't say that I am any happier!

I recive my letter from my consultant asking me to attend a 2nd appointment....IN 7 MONTHS as this is their nearest available appointment.

Is this normal? Does it really take this long to get things started?

I called the hospital and questioned whether this could be the case and speaking to my consultants secretary was no help at all. The only response was " i know, its a very long wait isn't it?" and then she said she would go and check my file....waited on hold for 45 mins before giving up and realing she just didn't care!!  

bear in mind that this is just my 2nd appointment NOT my actual IVF appointment.

Any advice? What would you do in this situation?


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## Nicj73 (Apr 26, 2014)

Jenbal Could you go to a different clinic? I only had to wait 2 weeks, it was only that long as the test results would take just under two weeks. 

7 months does seem an extremely long time.


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Sorry to jump on your convo, I'm new too!

Just wondered how long it took for you to be officially referred?! My husband and I have been ttc for 2 and a half years, last march we went to the doc and they did semen tests and his count was vey low (0.1mil) and zero motility. We had to wait till Aug for a 2nd semen test to confirm not just a blip. This came back the same, we were then referred to gynae had ultra sounds no blockage etc, so gynae sent letter this feb to our Doctor to say we should be referred for ICSI. We have contacted surgery but they just say doc will be in touch, but we have heard nothing since ultra sound.

We are not even sure if we qualify as I already have a son. But we are desperate to have a family together. Just feels like our life is on hold and like you say, 'feels like no one cares!' and so hard to keep positive

Love to hear your experience

Krystle


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi krystleh85,

Well my appointment date was changed after i made a complaint. Initially it was 7months for 2nd consultation but niw its in july as i would not stop until i spoke to someone willing to help.

Your doctor should have refereed you to the hospital by now to see a consultant. Has this not been done?

My doctor was very helpul and arranged a majority of tests for us. It was oy when we saw the consultant that things slowed for us.

My advice is if you are not happy about how long the referral is taking then complain, comllain, complain. Who is above your doctor? Get a letter together with all of your concerns and post it, email it and fax it. Do not give up.

Because i am young (ish) i felt that i was not being taken seriously and my partners age (36) was not being taken into account. 

Please let me know how you get on.

Jen


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hi Jen

Thanks for replying so quickly! That's brilliant you are in sooner. So what are these first consultations for?

No I don't think GP has done anything since ultrasound! I called into the docs about 3 weeks ago to enquire what was happening, but the pitbull on reception just said the GP will contact us  :-( but what does that mean?!when?!

So I pestered my husband to call again today and they said GP would call back by end of day but guess what?....he hasn't.

Krystle
Xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Krystle,

The first consultation will just be going through basics like how long you have been ttc, do you smoke, do you drink etc and also what options the hospital can offer. This is all quite a repetitive process. They may give yourself or your husband lifestyle changes to do and arrange for any tests that the GP may have missed.

If I were in your situation with the doctor I would find out who the head of the practice is and phone or email them and complain about the lack of empathy and help at a very stressful time like this. The waiting and hoping can really have a bad impact on your daily life.

If this doesn't work then call and make a double appointment for you and your husband and ask the doctor then and there what he/she is going to do to help you. If you don't like what he/she explains then I would ask reception to book you an appointment with the head of the practice.

I know how frustrating and upsetting it can be to feel ignored and not taken seriously but if you have to complain and kick and scream to get some progress then do it. You are entitled to their help. I read the NHS constitution hand book (gosh I'm sad) and you would be surprised at what you are entitled to and never knew!  

Let me know how you get on 

Jen xxx


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi   I'm trying to think back at my first consultation but my heads went blank lol but I hope things move quicker for you, me and my partner both do acupuncture and we pay 32pound and it's 40mins we get and I still get 40mins  even when I do one alone, but the lass who does ours is lovely and said she would charge us for the one consultation oh goes once a month I go twice, we take multivitamins and he drinks plenty of water and apple juice his count went from 9-10million to 26 million and now from icsi to Ivf, is your partner on multivitamins? We are now at the stage we have our hospital appointment for the hospital we should be getting treatment at   xxx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hi Jen,

When I went to the docs the other week they refused to book us an appointment  

My husband tried to call again today but there is just a message saying they are closed until tomorrow morning! I think you are right, I need to speak to the practice manager. The head of practise is our GP and he is the only one who deals with infertility issues but seeing him is nothing short of a miracle! 

No wonder there is no money in the NHS when they keep making appointments to ask you the same questions over and over again!

Where abouts in the country are you guys based? We are in Northamptonshire. Do you know how many shots you get at this? Are you having IVF or ICSI?

Thanks for your support

Krystle 
xxx

Krystle


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi krystle,

We are in london. Earlsfield. We have been told that IVF is best for us. Partners count is shockingly low and motility bad.

All appointments from the doctors to the consultants are the same. Every one you wait for with a sense of anticipation and expect to get a bit closer and it seems like you get nowhere  

What about you IVF or ICSI? Why does this process have to take so long??

Jen xxx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hi Jen,

You've hit the nail on the head!

We still don't know weather Ivf or ICSI,no one commits to anything,it all feels a bit "blah"

My husbands count is extremely low too (0.1 million) and motility zero so I'm assuming from googling (which I know I shouldn't do,but I'm a control, freak!) that we will need ICSI.

How is your partner coping with it all?  I don't think mine is doing to good,he doesn't like talking about it much he just says 'let's see what happens next...' Which I suppose is keeping us looking forward rather than wallowing, but   is hard!

Krystle
Xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Krystle,

Your last post made me laugh. My partner has said those exact words to me on a number of occasions.

He is naturally very quiet but i thought he would want to take about it but instead i sit and to at him about it. He said everything will happen when its supposed to and not to obsess over it. Too late  

I at least have a holiday to look forward to next friday. Im away for my first holiday in 3 years!! Maybe the sun will do us some good.

Jen
Xxx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Yes don't you just love talking 'at' them! I feel for them, it must be horrible but in a selfish way I think it's just as hard for us because we are so out of control. I always feel bad because if it was me I could feel in control of the environmental factors (although as it's so low they prob wouldn't affect much any way). I try to just be quiet  

Oh a holiday will be lovely. Are you going some where nice? We've been worrying about booking a holiday in case it suddenly started happening, but we decided we cant just put our life on hold, so we've just booked a holiday for October (You can guarantee it will now!). I have a son from a previous relationship, he's 8, so it's not fair on him if this holds us back, so we're are trying to concentrate on him at the moment.

Krystle
xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi krystle,

We are off to sunny spain. Its a huge family holiday. Until a year ago 22 was the youngest person in our family. We now have a baby..just not mine!!

Its has been 3 years since our last holiday, i have been the same worrying if and when the doctor would refer us etc.

I always talk at my partner but there are sometimes glimpses of honesty and thoughts that he shares. Its just very rare  

Have you done anything more in regards to the unhelpful doctor? 

Jen x x


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hi Jen 

Sorry it's been so long!hope you had a lovely holiday!

Any news on your journey?

We have finally got an appointment with our GP on Friday,so fingers crossed for good news!

Krystle
Xxx


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Hi ladies

Can I jump in and say hello? My husband and I are kind of in the same boat, we've just had our second consultant appointment for ivf and icsi. Our treatment isn't due to start until next year. I'm just feeling so confused by it all and dont know what we should be doing between now and then...Other than not going off the rails completely and drinking my weight in wine ha ha. 

Xx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hiya munkeynuts! (Lol)
Glad to hear you're on your way,and they've given you an idea on time!though I suppose that makes it hard to know what to do in the mean time (apart from the wine!)
I'm very confused with the ivf icsi business!did the doctors advise you that you require both? Trying to get info out of ours is like trying to get blood out of a stone!

Krystle 
Xxx


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Hi krystle

Sorry for delay we're in the middle of moving house so everything is crazy just now, we're trying to get all to get all the stressful jobs done before treatment starts.

Yeah its good to at least but started on the journey but at our last consultant appt we got the impression that we were just being left now until next year which is a bit soul destroying as we want to be doing things. My oh has just started craniosacral and we'll both be starting acupuncture later in the year. I went full throttle into changing my diet etc completely in Jan after our first consultation appt but I've kind of lost my way with it all a bit just now. I think its cos it all seems so far away and the last of my group of friends has just announced her pregnancy so I give up lol.

As far as I understand it the treatment is ivf with icsi, so you go through the ivf process but at the point of fertilisation they inject the sperm directly into the egg as opposed to putting them in a dish together and letting the sperm do his thing. I may be totally wrong though lol. We have no hope if the egg and sperm are just in the test tube together my oh's sperm practically swim backwards!!!

Our gp has been great but the consultant is awful, she told us at last appointment to 'just relax'  and 'not get fat' until our time comes lol!!!!!!!!! After our first consultation appt I went back to see my gp as I was a mess and she wrote to the consultant for us to say we needed more information. We then got a big letter sent to us with far more details. Might be worth a go? 

Xx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi munkeynuts,

So much happening since my last post on this. We are still waiting for our second consultation with NHS but have also spoken to the lister clinic in London about egg sharing. It's a great thing that I just didn't know was out there.

We have our first consultation there on 29th July.SO excited!!

Krystal,

Our holiday really helped. I am feeling a lot more positive and am hoping we get accepted for the egg share at the lister but if not we are carrying on with the NHS. We could never afford go go private so these are our only chances. I have to keep looking at all optionas as after 4.5 years ttc I am beyond impatient. It has been years since all of my friends had babies and I thought I was being sensible...no we just couldn't conceive at all!!

So glad you are getting somewhere with the GP. Please let me know how you get on


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Hi guys,

Getting all nervous about the morning now  

Jen do you mean egg sharing,as in sharing yours so you get ivf at reduced cost?my local clinic offer this but I find that prospect really scary. Glad you had a good holiday!it's so annoying isn't,yes be sensible, wait till your 'ready' to have babies and then all of a sudden it feels like it's passing you by!

Munkeynuts, sounds like your dealing with all this really we'll,you sound totally in control,with a plan (i'm jealous!)lol! 

Xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi Krystle,

Make sure you write a list of questions for the doctor and write the answers down for each one. That way you'll remember it all when you get home. I forgot everything my doctor told me!!

I really hope you get the answers you need to get a bit closer to the treatment you need. It is such a time consuming thing and yet all we seem to do is sit and wait for appointment after appointment!!  

Yes, It is to donate my eggs. The lister do this and you get IVF free. I would prefer the egg sharing route over standard IVF. For some reason it just doesn't worry me. I would love to help someone who is not able to have a baby, but totally understand why it would scare you. It is a big thing to give something like that away!! Lol

It seems that whilst waiting for all of this to happen I spend all if my spare time on this site


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Angry isn't the word!!!! Our GP hadn't even read the letter from gynae to recommend referral! couldn't GIVE US ANY INFO ABOUT ANY THING! It was absolutely pointless. I don't know whether to be angry or break down and cry  

I just feel like we fall at every hurdle, Husband can't have a baby naturally and We cant get Funding (is pretty much what he said but had to look into it!gggrrr) because I have a son. Which don't get me wrong I know I am completely blessed to have, but I had my son when I 19 years old, it wasn't planned, I didn't love his father and it was generally a horrible experience, My family were so disappointed, I was scared and alone, but all through the years I thought one day I will fall in love get married and make a proper family for my son and me, where every one is happy for us and excited to see scans etc with out gritted teeth and now it feels like it's all over, (yep ok it's gone from anger to crying writing this  )

Wow IVF free, that's really good, Our local CARE in Northampton offer it at a discounted rate with Egg sharing but looking at their website it would still cost us around £1700

So messed up today

xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Krystle,

I am so shocked and angry for you!!  

Can you not go to another doctors or ask the doctors to at least refer you to the first fertility consultation to enable you to see what options are out there? 

You really need to complain and do it now whilst your angry!! Call them and tell them you want to make a complaint and explain that the doctor was so unprepared for your appointment and has left you feeling helpless and unsupported. 

I can be a self righteous b*tch at times and feel that I deserve a lot (lol) and would not have reacted well to the lack of response that you received.

Please do not give up, keep fighting and arguing and sitting in front of these people until they do their jobs!!

I sound crazy I know, but if being nice doesn't get you any where, hten you have to start being mean!!

Hugs to you Krystle. Let me know what you plan to do next  

xx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

I am usually a bit feisty! At work they call me the rotweiller in a chiwahwa costume! And my husband calls me a bull in a china shop! But I really prepared myself to stay calm as I heard that it is at Gp's discresion whether to refer you if you have a child, so wanted him on side but he was just so blah! 

I think I'm also angry because the only reason we can see for the ''Testicular tramua'' that is causing husbands infertility is caused by an NHS mess up when he was 16 (no one mentioned then, that this could have been a side effect), he took them to court as they nearly killed him and he settled out of court for 19k but obviously didn't realise then that any thing was wrong with his balls! 

We are just waiting for GP to call with the answers to all our questions but not holding my breath! He just kept saying 'I'm not sure if CARE Northampton can help with this kind of issues'' so I was asking 'what kind of issues? They are a fertility clinic!'' but he couldn't answer any thing!!!

Thanks for your support I don't know what I would do without you today    ( I'm at work today too, but my head is up my bum    )

xxx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Krystle,

Honestly, anything i can do to help i will.

I cant believe what your doctor is like!!

How did the rest of your day go? Did they call you like they said they would?

Chanel that inner rotweiller and let them know exactly what you want.

Jen x x


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Hi ladies

Sorry for delay we moved house on friday and this is the first time we've sat down lol.

Jen- thanks for the info on egg sharing I'd never heard of it, would be good to help someone else in this ****ty position too.  Good luck for july, that sounds really exciting, you could be well on your way soon...exciting!!

Krystle- I'm with Jen on this one you need to get angry again and get complaining, ask to move doctor and make sure you have put something in writing to your healthboard, they have to respond to complaints (I work for nhs). It's appalling than a dr can be like that. He wouldn't be like with any other mefical condition a patient presented with.  I'm getting angry on your behalf and im the biggest push over going...highly strung, but a push over.

Did your dr phone? 
Lol I'm not coping at all well I just try to forget that it's happening and then the week before our appointments turn into the dragon lady and blame my oh for everything, I'm surprised I'm still married! My sister just had her second baby on Thursday which meant a trip to buy baby clothes ( followed by a half hour snotty sob on my husbands shoulder in the carpark) and then 4 hours of 'you'll be next', 'when are you going to hurry up and gave kids' comments...and then a family share bag of maltesers kn my way home lol. 

We'll all get there, I just have to keep reminding myself (or be reminded) that it's not a race and our time will come. 

In the meantime I'm taking out shares in Cadbury's whilst trying not to get fat as per Dr's orders lol.

Chin up ladies it will happen


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Ugh just realised they've put an add in to joules bsby clothes when I typed that in. Not impressed.


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

...or not, not sure what happened there! Brain fried.


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

I know that we can't get pregnant naturally so why do I still get so sad every month? 😢


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Munkeynuts,

You are not alone in feeling that. I'm so bad I even begin to look for signs...ha ha. I know it wont happen but I still check 

Try and stay positive.

Are you any closer to your treatment?

Jen x


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Lol it's ridiculous I totally managed to convince myself it would happen this month cos I had a hysterosalpingogram thingy last month....dont know how I thought that would make my husband's sperm move any faster ☺ But still I was 100% convinced. Been prodding my bbs all day checking to see if they're sore. They are but only from the prodding ha ha.

We've just got to wait really. We're on nhs list but it's 12 months for us at the moment, we've been on it for 4 months now so a 1/3rd of the way there. It's the waiting that's killing me though. 

How are you getting on with everything? Have you heard more from lister egg sharing folk? 

Mn xx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

I have an appointment with them on 22nd July for scan and blood tests and then a week later for me and DH to have more tests.

I have my fingers crossed that we are accepted!! There was SO much paper work to complete it took us 3 hours  

We are also staying on the NHS list just in case we are not accepted. Once I know either way I will know what to do.

I am the same as you, I feel like I am just sitting still...

Jen x


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Good luck with your appointment. That would have me really excited. I'm sure they'll say yes. You guys coyld be on your way very soon.

We're hanging on in there with nhs for now, we've just moved house so im hoping that distracts me for the next few months at least.  

The waiting sucks but I'm convinced it will all be worth it in the end for all of us. 

Mn xx


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

So yeah, absolutely miserable about it all today 😢


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Munkeynuts nuts,

I know how waiting for the NHS feels. We would waited but in London the waiting list is 2years!!

What area are you in? Have they given you an estimated waiting time?

 to you

Jen x


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

We're in Edinburgh so its a 12 month list which all in all is pretty good. 

I'm just letting it all get on top if me today. I'm throwing my husband a surprise 30th birthday party in a few weeks as his actual birthday is in december so means he cant celebrate it then at all really as treatment would be about to start. I've just been  bombarded by snide and *****y comments from 'friends' who are unhappy because I havent invited their babies to his birthday bbq. Fair enough they don't know but I don't reckon you would normally expect your kid to be invited to a 30th. My friends that do know don't understand although they do try to. I feel it would just be a slap in the face to my husband for us all to be 'surprise look at all these babies we can't have'!!! Lol.

God moan moan moan eh! 

Xx

Whinge whingw


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Munkeynuts.

Do what ever makes you and your husband most comfortable. I am sure they would be devastated if they knew the reason for your choice. 

It's so hard when people forget that it's not always simple to have children and it's made even harder by the fact that you shouldn't have to tell everyone and yet there are times that you just to shout and scream it at people so they finally just shut up  

I hope today is a more positive day for you. There isn't a minute of the day that I'm not thinking about the fact that we need fertility treatment, the appointments etc but. Have decided to make today a good day because I'm just too tired of the bad ones!!

Xx


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Thanks Jen

Have woken up on the right side of the bed today   Just got totally floored by af starting which is silly. 

You're right some days you just want to shake people and remind them that everyone's life doesn't follow the same route however much you might want it to. However they don't know so I need to afford them some grace, it would be nice if they returned the favour but such is life...and the particular couple I'm thinking of, well I'm not that bothered if they turn up lol 

Thank you for all your words of wisdom  yesterday and I hope to be able to return the favour although I wouldn't wish the bad days on anyone! 

The sun is shining and the birds are singing so today shall be fabulous 

Mn xx


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Munkeynuts,

It does make it easier to be a bit happier because its Friday!!

It is not silly to be upset about af, still happens to me everytime 

Through this whole process you will find out who your true friends are. I have only told my mum and 1 other person. Besides that I don't really want to tell everyone so sometimes without realising people can say the wrong thing, I just smile and don't say anything. It may make me look crazy but nothing could prepare them for the thoughts inside my head lol  

Glad today is better for you. Keep Smiling.

Jen x


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Morning lady's,

Hope you're both well. 

Guess what...we've not heard anything! I can't believe I'm about to say this...I think I'm giving up 

I think I know deep down Nhs isn't going to help us and we can't afford private, so guess we are at the end of the road. My husband and I are not in a good place,he won't talk to me about anything let alone baby stuff, so who knows where we go from here.

I wish you both all the luck in the world

Xxx


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## munkeynuts (May 22, 2014)

Oh krystle! 

Don't give up yet. Nhs ard notoriously slow, have you tried changing GP practice you may find a more sympathetic amd helpful doctor? Or what about the egg sharing? Would/could you consider that? There will be ways.

If all else fails people turn to strangers on the Internet for fake boobs so why not ivf? Lol. 

Chin up chicken. I think men just deal with it all in a very different manner. I saw a counsellor who suggested the my oh and I pick a time and a place once a week where all we could discuss was ivf etc outwith that time it's off the table as a topic of conversation. Sounds stupid but it does help. She was telling me that a couple picked the stairs as their place as they didn't want ivf to be brought into their bedroom or places of relaxation together. Maybe worth a thought?

Hope you're ok hun, I was having a horrific day with it all yesterday but today is a brighter day. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Big hugs
Mn xx


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## Krystleh85 (May 12, 2014)

Thanks monkey nuts but I think I'm done  

Xxx


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