# Insensitive friend or sensitive me?



## Cay23

Hi ladies,

I just have to get this off my chest, so sorry! A friend of mine has made me feel really cross.   This friend has known about our IF since we started Clomid 4 years ago and has seen our journey through OI and our 4 rounds of IVF, and being childless herself had always listened and agreed when we talked about how insensitive some people with children can be. We particularly agreed about how frustrating/upsetting it can be when people moan on about their pregnancies or complain about their children, not thinking how lucky they are to be in that situation in the first place, and how it can get upsetting to be constantly bombarded on ** and the like with pregnancy and baby-related talk and pictures.

Well, now my friend is in the fortunate position to be pregnant. She fell pregnant very easily after a relatively short time of being with her partner, and so far it has been straightforward for her (as has much of her life - you know, one of those people where everything comes easily to them), and it's as if everything we've talked about in the last four years has gone out of the window! She's constantly putting pictures of the new pram etc. on **, talking about their latest trip to Kiddicare and tagging herself at the maternity hospital, to name but a few. She's also said that once she's had the baby she's determined it's not going to change her lifestyle. Well, we'll see about that! (although it probably won't, as her mum will be on call 24-7, so she can carry on doing what she's always done and just palm the baby off on her parents). But what really is the last straw for me is that she's now started complaining about her pregnancy. The other day she said she hates having pregnancy boobs and wishes they were smaller again like before. I replied that she shouldn't complain, lots of ladies would give anything to have pregnancy boobs and she said "well they can have them, I don't want them". I felt so upset by this comment that I decided there and then that was it, I no longer want to have anything to do with her anymore. I just feel after all the times we've talked about it and she's now doing exactly what we agreed we wouldn't do, because it hurts. It's as if she just doesn't care how it feels now she's on the other side of the fence.

Do you think I'm being over-sensitive?

xx


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## Louisej29

Hi cay23

Had to reply to your post as I feel I could have written it myself. I'm in a very similar position to you- embarking on ivf 5 after a long and difficult journey and your friend sounds exactly like one of my (now ex) very good friends.  

Although I think this journey does make us a bit sensitive I think your friend is being extremely insensitive and thoughtless. She sounds just like my friend. There was a time I had just embarked on the ivf path and she was single , dating and in complete agreement with me about people who complained about their pregnancies/children and did not appreciate what they had. fast forward a few months she had met mr right, was pregnant within 3 months and v soon become one of those people bombarding ******** with lots of updates and talking to me non stop about being pregnant. I tried talking to her about it and she failed to understand at all my feelings. I called our friendship a day after receiving a stroppy text for not attending her baby shower which coincided with my miscarriage.  

Cutting insensitive friends from my life has been something I've done as mechanism of protecting myself.  This journey is hard enough without dealing with people that upset you!  

I really don't think you are being too insensitive.  Maybe write your friend a letter explaining how you feel.  

Good luck

Love Louise


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## Petal bell

Hi - I've had a v similar situation with my best friend. She is pregnant with her 2nd, previously she has been v supportive but after about 3 myths passed of her pregnancy she suddenly went all 'me me me' and whining and going on about her pregnancy & just stopped even asking how I was at all. It was v upsetting and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to confront her, or write how I felt as I wanted her to either realise for herself that she was being a cow or if she didn't realise then I wanted to know that maybe I just didn't know her as I thought. In the end I did nothing (incl only v functional texts/emails which I never initiated!) and after 2 (very long!) months we saw each other at a night out and she took me aside and apologised for being insensitive and for not supporting me as she should have done, said there was no excuse for it but that she hoped I could forgive her. I told her how upset I'd been & that I needed her support etc and now it's all fine. So not sure what that tells you other than, you're not alone, and sometimes people just don't realise how they are acting. It would be a shame to lose a friendship if its worth having so maybe keep your distance and see if she twigs? Xxx


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## Tincancat

I am inclined to agree with Petal.  Deactivate  your ******** account and go quite for a while.  See what happens.  You may lose a friend or she may recognise how things have come across to you.  
Being pregnant can go to peoples heads and ******** appears  to reinforce this so it can come across as a kind of 'smugness'.  
TC x


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## Dory10

Cay

Have to say I agree with the other ladies on here.  Definitely deactivate your ******** account and if meeting up with people is making you down, ease off for a while.  I have a friend who a week after my ERPC told me I was lucky because I could now eat brie and she would give anything to eat brie - I kept a smile on my face and explained that I would give anything not to eat brie ever again for as long as I lived if it would mean that I would be pregnant once again.  She didn't even bat an eye lid!  I know it isn't their faults that me and DH are suffering from IF but it is their fault for being thoughtless and insensitive.

 to all

Dory
xxx


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## goldbunny

protect yourself, disassociate yourself,, distance yourself from this person. remember though it is likely to get much easier to deal with in a year or so. She's just going through a phase...she's being insensitive but, - coming from someone who is so nervous about being pregnant because I miscarried the last one and am really really struggling to 'enjoy' this pregnancy - she is entitled I think to have this special time and if she can enjoy it, she should, she shouldn't have to tiptoe around and worry about upsetting people.... (though she ought to know better than to shove it in your face!!) just explain to her if necessary that you need a little space for a while and then stay out of the way 'til she gets over it...

you're not being over-sensitive, just find some new people to hang out with. it's a shame life goes like that but things do change for people.. her life has changed and she no longer fits with what you need...


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## coweyes

Its such a tricky thing it really is and i hate to say it but unless you have been through IF then you truly don't understand. I tried for many years to have a child and have been lucky enough to have a daughter through icis pgd and am now pregnant naturally, i do write things on ******** and put pictures of my daughter up, but not constantly.  Personally i think there is a fine line which the majority of people don't understand.  I think you have to expect people to be exited about being pregnant and want to share their life changing news but often people go completely over board and become obsessed with being pregnant.


Its very very hard to filter out the unfairness of it all, and to know when someone has over stepped the mark rather than your just hurt because their pregnant, if that makes sense.  I stopped using ** while i was ttc as i found it make me feel bitter and twisted.  Someones baby status would play on my mind for day, remember if that person is a true friend you wont loose contact with them cos your no longer on **.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Howed

I honestly feel your pain, the longer you try the more it starts to hurt when people get pregnant around you.

My best friend is currently 3 months pregnant, and she didn't tell me until 11 weeks as she had had some bleeding and didn't want to upset me, which actually made me feel worse !! I wanted to be there for her in her difficult time, I am over the moon for her. She already has 2 children and could of had 3 more if not had miscarried. she is super fertile and I would give my right arm to be that lucky, but for me my journey is going to be different. 
I agree that some people can be insensitive but I also think we are sensitive to the situation. I have deleted ** a few times as at one point 3 friends were all pregs and posted something everyday which was torture but just take yourself out of the situation.
Some days are worse than others but you have to let people enjoy their pregnancy and for some even moaning about it gives tem some enjoyment. I don't think people try to upset you, but until you have trouble trying I don't think they can really understand how hard it is. xxxxxxxx
keep positive that one day it will be you and you can bore them all with status updates and moaning that your back hurts !!!


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## lexiecat

Totally agree about getting off ********! When you are struggling to conceive its torture. I used to dread logging incase yet another scan pic appeared. As for insensitive people I've also had some crackers...'good friends but totally clueless about the pain of IF e.g 'pregnancy isn't all it's cracked up to be'/'it's your fault we are preg before our wedding day, didn't know if we'd struggle so thought we'd get cracking' 
Xxx


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## Susieque44

Ladies

Defo get off ********, l came off through all my attempts as it was hard for me to see everyone else posting about pregnancies and babies. However as hard as it is you need to keep your situations completely separate. I am always happy for my friends that fall pregnant but then always go away and have a good old cry for myself. I have friends that have said ' we will never post pictures of our kids on ********' then as soon as they get pregnant its all they do !! Ive learnt over the years that you have to protect yourself from the heartbreak but you also need to have lots of supportive friends - and normally means lots of friends kids - which i've had years of fun with.

good luck ladies xxxx


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## Cloclo15

Stopping using ******** and all other types of social media was the best decision i ever made. I feel so much happier for it. As far as I can see all it is for is bragging about your situation or fishing for sympathy. I used to use it fairly often but can honestly say i don't miss it. You do lose touch with people who live out their life through it, but I think it is worth that.
Also, however tough the privacy settings, i dont like to post pics of my DS or anything about him online really. I saw a Panorama where people sold fake dating profiles which included pictures of kids and babies presumably taken from social media sites. If they are doing it, then who else is?


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## NinjaSparkles

Hi Cay23, I just wanted to say I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. Sadly sometimes people have very short memories and don't realise how upsetting their words can be. I would agree with the suggestions to come off ********, I did that last year for 4 months and it was amazing how much freer I felt. When I did go back on, I removed probably 2/3 of people from my news feed so the only baby updates I see are my best friend's.

I had a friend (note the word 'had') who also had a tough time TTC, then fell pg but sadly mc'd at 16 weeks. It took her another 13 months to fall pg again after that, and once she had it was as if she decided to erase me out of her life. I was really happy for her and it wasn't a problem for me at all, but she stopped replying to my texts - or if she did reply, she took a few days to do so and was always very curt. We had previously seen each other at least once a week, and that dwindled to 4 times through the whole of 2013. I found that to be so hurtful, that we'd confided in each other for so long and then once she got what she wanted it was like I no longer had a purpose for her so she cut me off. 

You need supportive friends right now, and if she's not being that then it's best that you distance yourself, even temporarily.


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