# Matching - How do you know if a child is right for you?



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello

I am feeling in a bit of a muddle. Can anyone tell me... when you read a childs profile, how do you know if they are "the one"? 

We have just had our first profile to look at, and unfortunately we have had to say no. The timing has been terrible as my beloved grandma died 2 weeks ago and her funeral was only the day before yesterday, and then we were given the profile to read yesterday and we had to make a decision today. When I read the profile I just didn't feel anything at all, I didn't lean to either a yes or a no if you know what I mean?

Even though I knew we might not fall in love with a child just from the paperwork I always expected that when I read a profile I would at least either lean towards one decision or the other, and now I am a bit confused. We have had a big talk with our social worker who I think was disappointed but she was very suppotrive and she thinks its because I am numb and grieving for my grandma. She did say that not everyone feels instantly that they know it is the right one, and maybe we would ever feel that instant pull from the paperwork.

How did you know your child was the right match for you? Has anyone else felt this indecisive about it?

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks

E xx


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi Ermey

First of all I am sorry to hear about your grandma - now is understandably a very emotional time for you.

We turned down our first potential match as having read the child's cpr I honestly felt nothing but fear and dread. That sounds terrible but I just knew we wouldn't be the right parents for that child and I only felt relief when we told our s/w so.

With our ds I didn't feel it was an immediate yes when I read his paperwork but at the same time I wasn't put off by anything I read and the more I read and thought (over the period of about 5 days) the more I felt my dh could parent our little boy. It certainly wasn't a case of falling in love with what we read or even falling in love at first sight when we met him. That process of falling in love is still going on 5 months down the line.
For us it was a case of weighing up the pro's and con's of our son from his paperwork. That sounds terrible but basically we had a long list of pro's and only a couple of concerns (although they are not insignificant ones.) On that basis we felt he was the right child for us and that we would be the right family for him. For us at least there wasn't much gut instinct at play but a growing sense of we can do this which grew into excitement of we want to do this.
I feel for you as it is so tough and having to make such a quick decision is awful. I do think you do know when something is completely wrong but sometimes need time to let things that you are just not sure of grow on you.

Sorry not sure I've helped you at all but please pm me if you wish
Hugs

Crusoe
xx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

hi Crusoe,

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much, what you have said is very helpful. I think you have it exactly spot on, that it really hasn't helped having to make a decision so fast.... DH had less than 12 hours and for most of that time he was in bed asleep!      I had already wondered what would we feel if we just had a few more days to get our heads round it. 

As its our first profile maybe it all just seemed a bit surreal, and what with the timing right next to the funeral I just couldn't get my head into it.
Maybe at least we will be better prepared for the next one. Its really intersting that you say you didn't have a "gut feeling" but it was more like a brain exercise of pros and cons - I think we were not prepared for that and next time we will have a better idea of the feeling that we are having to speculate (as usual!) in order to make a decision.... the heart bit will come later.

I feel irrationally worried that we have may shut the door on "The Right One", but I am hanging on to what our SW said that there isn't only 1 child out there that is right for us. 

Its been a tough couple of weeks and I've cried so much about my grandma that I almost feel I haven't got any emotion left to care at the moment. At the end of the day it didn't feel right to say yes for whatever reason, so we couldn't go ahead, it wouldn't be fair on the child.  

Thanks again,

E xx


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## CAREbear1 (May 15, 2005)

I whole-heartedly endorse what Crusoe has said. It was exactly the same for me- there was nothing to 'put me off' on the CPR and it was a case of going with the flow a bit. Even when I started intros, I had talked to myself and made a promise that if it felt wrong I would say and not just 'hope for the best'. It is a case of 'growing love' and I am pleased to say she was the 'right one' for me and I can't imagine having any other child in the world. She had been with me for nearly 5 months now and I am deeply in love.
So sorry to hear about your grandma. Its a tough time to be expected to give any headroom to a possible match. 
Lots of luck and love
xxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I have never been in this position as our SWs knew us so well that when they did approach us about our DS he was exactly what we wanted so his was the first profile/form we looked at and nothing put us off.......it wasn't instant love either but we could picture this little boy in our lives.......it was when we met him the love came!

As for our DD again it was the first form we had seen and again just knew she was right for us.

I always say go with your gut instant, write down the pros and cons and go from there.  it may be a little niggle over a match that you think I'm not sure..............find out more about this niggle and then go from there, one step at a time............having said all that YOU just know, I don't know how but you just know when the child is right for you.......sorry thats most prob no help what's so ever BUT hopefully you will know what I am trying to say and it will make you feel that the decision you have made is a hard one but the right one.

love
Andrea
x


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## Rachelbee (Oct 25, 2005)

Ermey- Sorry to hear about your Grandma! 

I would say if you felt like that when reading the profile then you have made the right decision!
I am guessing that you will know when you read the right profile for you, I hope I am right in saying that we haven't even been to panel yet so it's a way off for us at the mo!

Good luck, I hope you get your match soon xx


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

When we turned our first match down, we both read the profiles and there was something not quite right about them, we then asked ourselves the question could we see these children in our house as part of the familiy and we both said no. On the match we are proceeding with we both could see surprise living with us although we had lots of questions and issues to resolve it felt right to proceed.


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thanks for your replies everyone, its appreciated.

Sounds like most of you knew that they were the right one or at least that they had the possibility of being right for you. I felt a little scared when i read this profile but not for any specific reason I could think of. When we tried to explain it to our SW it was really tough because we found it hard to put our finger on it ourselves.

I am a bit worried that what if I always feel like this when reading profiles and I never feel sure and we let all these great chances slip by?     

Those of you who said no, was it expected that you would have a really concrete solid reason for saying no?  Did you feel under pressure to say yes?

I guess I am not in much of the right state of mind right now anyhow.


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

When we said no, we found the meeting with our SW quite difficult as our perception was that she was quite forceful in her attempts to proceed further with this, to be honest were 50/50 if we wanted to proceed or not. Looking back we are pleased that we were challenged on our decision as we now realise that we made the right decisions back then and this is something our Sw also agrees with us on.

I would think it best to give all your reasons for not proceeding to your SW however small and minor so that they are able to use these details when they look at the next match for you to ensure it is more compatible with you both.


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## nic68 (Apr 13, 2007)

Hi Ermey,

We were given a profile with a photo to read through earlier this year, unfortunately we decided not to go ahead due to not been 100%. there was also medical reason so in one way that made it easier but it was very upsetting. i feel easier on saying no again as at the end of the day the child has to be right for you. we are still waiting to be placed.

you will feel very upset at the present time, due to your grandmother which i am sorry to hear about.

take care

nicola


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