# now an email announcement!



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello dear friends,

Some of you may remember I recently had a text from a SiL (more or less my age and who I thought had some understanding of what IF has meant for me) to announce the pg of her daughter, my neice. This is the first of DH's 4 sisters to expect a grandchild. I have still not responded as I was so taken aback to hear such news by text and have had a lot more else to deal with such as a trip to Spain to see my own family at a time when I half expected another pg announcement. (Did not happen then.) Thanks again to my angel text buddy!

Just right now, between looking at messages on this board, I got a *one line email* from my own mum in Spain to happily announce that my brother and his (much younger) wife of one year this week are expecting. "Good news! Jxxxxxx is pregnant. It is a *normal* pregnancy!" This will be (as long as all goes well) the first grandchild for my parents.

I am truely glad for them all. (My mum, my brother and his wife, my DH's sister, her daughter - my niece, and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!) I would not wish IF issues on anyone, never mind the people I love. But I do feel peed off that they announced their news impersonally by text/email and could not even acknowledge that their news might renew my grief and make me sad that I will never be a grandmother.

I thought my mum and stepfather had at least understood that we cannot take fertility for granted when they finally started to say "if" rather than "when" my brothers had children. But now one of my brothers confidently ecxpects a child this sensitivity seems to have evaporated.

I wish my SiL and then my parents could have said something like "xx is pg and we are so pleased about this news. We know you would have loved to have your own family and are sorry this did not happen for you."
That is all. That would be enough.

But I am supposed to have moved on! And I have. I am tough now! I had a great day today, fantastic schooling session with my young horse. Tomnorrow I will be fine!

No need to reply. Just good to offload!

Love you lot!

Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest Jq,

We hear you loud and clear! We love you too!  

You have got it in a nutshell there - whilst those of us go through heartache on the fertility trail then are grief stricken once its ended we are progressively moving along on a journey whether we realise it or not - and have had to battle our demons to reach some sort of peace within ourselves.

For those family or close friends around us though, whom you think would understand, because they are our family, right? Our friends who have been there for us, correct? Wrong - they can only grasp in their own way, but because the journey hasn't been travelled by them they forget... and oh how they forget so soon sometimes it seems...

I don't think all families and friends are like this by the way, but in the majority of cases they are sadly!

To get a one liner email that can cut you to ribbons (intentionally or not) sums it all up really; those that know you know of your struggles but do not perceive things in the same way as you when it comes to announcing news that, with retrospect had they really thought about it must realise is going to cause you deep hurt and shock too - no matter how healed you are from all of this!

I've always said IF is a lifelong thing and something we will all take to our graves - its not something that goes away, and the wonders of modern technology don't necessarily make things any easier for us sometimes because now we know too much - and that information can hurt us unintentionally too!

So glad you had a good day with your young horse. Know you didn't want a reply but you got one anyway!

Tons of love
Emcee xxx


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi JQ,

this must be so difficult especially coming so soon after the "news by text" from your SIL.

My question would be: do they really not understand how the news affects you or is it that they _do_ understand but are too frightened (/cowardly?) to speak to you over the phone because they won't know how to cope with your reaction?

The reason I say that is because I'm sure your Mum is over the moon about your brother's news and if your situation had been different, she would have just rung you up to share her delight. So perhaps sending an Email is the only way she could deal with the "difficulty" of telling you the news.

Maybe you should tell your Mum (and maybe your s-i-l too) about how you feel about the way they have informed you, so that if this situation happens again they can act more sensitively next time. From their point of view they have _no idea _ how you would want to be informed (let's face it, it's impossible for anyone who's not in our situation to understand 100%) so telling them may help both you and them for next time??

Thinking of you,

S.A.F.


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Dear Jq,
I am so sorry that those who should be nearest and dearest have been so insensitive. Perhaps they thought it would somehow be easier for you to receive the news and have a chance to deal with it on your own first? From my own experience I think its more likely they are avoiding your reaction and their own discomfort. I have had friends who have simply not told me they were pregnant at all, cancelled planned visits even rather than face telling me. As you have said yourself you just need someone to AKNOWLEDGE that these announcements will be hard for you. 
Maybe as SAF says you need to have a word when you are stronger and help them understand how best to tell you of any future announcements so that the family (including you) can celebrate the good news but at the same time your experience and underlying pain is not ignored. 
Stay strong Jq, sorry again for the unfairness of our world.
Love MeganXX


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

J, 

Aaarrgghhhh!!!!!!

Will text,

love to you as always (and 'pants' to the randomness of the universe, yet again...)

MM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you for your kind replies.

I am sure you are right that people are trying to avoid what they might expect to be a difficult conversation. I do understand that, but I am still feeling hurt about the brevity of my mum's message and total failure to acknowledge my feelings. That could have been done as part of the email.

I have tried to explain things in the past but have given up as she just does not listen. (E.g She used to frequently send me cuttings about fertility treatments and miracle babies and say "Why don't you try this?" To which I often replied "Mum, I told you, we had that test" or "Mum, there's nothing wrong with my eggs so I don't need a doner... " etc etc. I asked her several times to stop sending these things, , but she carried on and said "I know you don't want me to send these cuttings but I just think you should read this one." (and this one and this one. .....) Even when I told her we had given up ttc and said please stop now with the cuttings as I need to put all that behind me, she carried on, especially with the miracle baby stories. Maybe she will finally stop now?

It's not just that she could not listen on this issue, she does not really listen period. Here is a tale that makes me laugh now, but at the time I was so annoyed with her! She spent an evening with 2 women friends of mine. I told her before they came that they were sisters. She opened the door and one said "Hi, I am K and this is my sister, S. She asked them how old they were (K 4 years older than S.) She ahhhed and ohhhed over how young S looked for her age, went on about her lovely figure etc. No comment was made about Kim's age (Ouch!) The sisters spoke about their mum and Dad quite a bit. Later in the evening she said "Are you two related?" They laughed and said yes. To which she said "Sooo - K, you must be S's Mum?"  Poor K was so upset as she does look older then her glamourous sister and had a bit of a thing about that. "You just asked us how old we are!" Kim said, "I'm only 4 years older, surely I don't look that bad!" So you see, dear old Mum is not noted for her listening skills or tact!

I don't think I will bother trying to explain to SiL R either. Just a while ago I tried to expalin to her that I was annoyed with her twin, C for totally ignoring my and DH's feelings.  C twin was looking for differences between the siblings. (As to why - long story!!) C twin has 3 children, R twin has 4. Their other 2 sisters have one each. C Twin accusingly told DH that he and the other sisters "do not know what it is like to have more than one child."  Hello, we don't have any, or have you been too busy with yours to notice?! R did not know why I was upset at all and brushed it aside, saying that was not the point, C was just trying to point out we had different experiences. We certianly have, just ignore ours then!

Oh dear, I am in a rant! 

Love Jq xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Families eh? Don't you just love 'em?

Brace yourself JQ, in my experience it gets worse, regardless of the method of communication.  My parents can bore for the United Kingdom about their grandchildren and I often sit through entire seemingly endless phone calls about how advanced S is and how adorable N is (although I remain the only family member to be convinced S is a baby Einstein if I'm honest).  

I know that they don't mean any harm in it, our family runs a bit short of good news from time to time because of illness and they are a happy, life enriching focus.

I once had to drag my Dad away from a distant relative who'd just had a failed cycle in India when I caught him at it as her discomfort was clear to me at least.  (Having said that I don't think any member of my family would win any awards for sensitivity, myself included)

When it gets too much I actively have to say that I know they love their grandkids and I love them too but please can we talk about something else!!!!

Sorry, that probably hasn't done much to cheer you up but forewarned is forearmed I always think.

Good luck!

Flipper


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

You could explain to some people until you're blue in the face and they still won't take what you have said to them, or what you have been through on board I'm afraid... the thing is, what to do though? Its tricky isn't it - we need self preservation, yet its not nice having our feelings and what we've been through diminshed. This is how it feels when we are subjected to one liners via email, text message or being blatently ignored and not told about others pregnancies (have had the same thing happen to me too Megan and it infuriated me as these were people whom I had helped through miscarriage - it seemed once they were ok pregnancy wise I had turned into a leper - strange but true)! LOL!

It still bugs the crap out of me now that DH's brother never told him/us when his second child was born. We'd been there for them through their first pregnancy, I went out of my way to let them know we were fine about it and didn't have a problem (worried subconciously perhaps that maybe we would become even more pushed out of the family)? Then with the 2nd pregnancy we were informed by MIL when she rang DH - hello? They knew us well enough to know we were ok the first time around, so why should we be miffed the second time?!

Anyway, enough wittering from me, suffice to say that there are those around all of us who will never respond the way we want them to, and there are those who are unsure of our reactions so try to 'damage limit' in the best way they know how, and there are those who couldn't give a flying fig what upsets us - thats people for you, huh?

Am off out shortly, need a good stiff drink after the day I have had today with my employers - they aren't playing ball at the moment   anyway I digress - sorry!  I leave you all with my love and a mutually shared understanding that we all have for each other here!

Emcee xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi jq

Been away for the weekend and popped on and had to just send you a hug.  Can't add much really but wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

Much love
Nix (about to email you)
xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you again, everyone! Will stay in touch.

Emcee, I am worried about your employer situation. Hope next week is better.

Love to all

Jq xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear jq, just posted a reply and it got lost!! Apologies if the reply appears twice and I will try to remember what I said.!!
I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad.
People can be very inconsiderate at times.
I feel that ther's not much I can add other than the wise words already said (to a woman who is herself very wise - as we all know that you are jq)
It still doesn't take the sadness away though or the hurt.
As you know we feel those feelings along with you and stand by you side by side.

I also had a similar experience recently. As you know my sister is newly pregnant and when she told my Mum , well my Mum went into orbit ( will be her first grandchild) and phoned me up and raved on and on about happy she was etc etc and never once acknowledged my feelings or even mentioned me ( my Mum's a bit batty but does know all about the ivf and miscarriage)
I think I felt sooooo in vissable  - awful feeling

Any way jq take care

Lots love Jo
PS this second post I actually sound more coherent than first attempt anyway - should loose them more often (posts that is - not my mind!!)


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Jq

have been away for the weekend too, and only just found this. I am so sorry you are still suffering others gross insensitivity.

Like the other lovely ladies here I can imagine only too well how the email hurt you. My naughty cousin (THAT cousin, for those that remember my previous rants) announced the birth of his 2nd son to me by sending me a photo-text of baby George, with the words 'hello, my names george, i was born today at....' etc etc. This was 6 weeks ater we had been tld to give up tx. I was so hurt by his insensitivity, I still have trouble trying to forgive him for it as you can tell!

Emcee...you are soooooo spot on, you can explain to some people till you are blue in the face and they still don't get it! Said cousin being one of them! I have vowed not to waste my emotional energy trying to explain any more.

Jq, big hugs to you hope you feel better today. Rant away, it will do you good.
Enjoy your lovely horses....animals are so much more straightforward then humans...You give to them and they reward you by responding with trust and love...wish I could say the same about some people!

lots of love to you
xxxxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dear JQ, very late with this reply, too. I know it's been said just had to say it again: ARGHHH!

A one line email, a text, it's all the same: it's a cop-out. It's cowardly, insensitive and hurtful.

I'm with Ermey that our lovely animals are so much more straightforward than people. Hope you got nice big snuffles from your beautiful horses.

Sorry you've been so let down, JQ. Hope the replies from all your friends here have helped. We sure all know where you are coming from...

Love B xxx


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