# The feeling down thread ( do not read if you want pma)



## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thought i would start this thread as i know everyone feels down sometimes, yet sometimes its hard to post as you don;t wana bring people down well this is the thread for anyone to write your worries down, be honest even if you feel it might cause someone upset as its better out than in and i know all us IVF wales girls are mates so girls lets be honest

so i will start

this next transfer if we get to blastocyst will be embryo transfer number 6, i already have enough money for a fresh cycle and will do this asap yet i also know that we will not be able to go on forever

when is enough enough, it crosses my mind more and more

we have been having treatment excluding clomid since march 2005 and have been tryin for 11 years in november.

i have my mind set on this fet a fresh another fet then what, i do not know

come on girls get all those negative feelings out


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

great idea kara..if anyone feels upset   or fancys a moan    post here!...hopw your ok ..i really hope it works for you soon i really do


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thanks you sweetheart

im glad you think its a good idea


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Kara, you are an inspiration.  Best wishes are sent your way.

   

I don't think this is a feeling down or a moan post but I think I need to say this.  If I posted how I felt about what was/had made me feel down/upset recently then I think I'd get into trouble so with that in mind here's a tiny portion of my concerns:

My feeling is I have a lot riding on this coming cycle, if fertilisation is poor again then my future treatments would be in question.  I've been told I could have an egg issue and how do I deal with that should that same thing happen again?  Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead as I have to get past fertilisation first and this is a concern but future decisions are obviously down to the outcome of this cycle.  My early ovulation has been a factor and a concern to me, even now that I'm doing the antagonist protocol.  The lead up to this cycle has been a rough ride, it's been worse than my previous two put together and I'm so hoping the hitches will be over with before I start, and like my wedding day, all will run smooth in the end and great result will hopefully be achieved.

Here's hoping for a miracle


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## Ness30 (Sep 12, 2007)

Girls I just want to say I totally understand how you feel it's very understandable in your position to have those awful negative feelings and it's not a nice place to be but I truly believe that you will all get the result you want. I CAN FEEL IT  

I admire your strength to carry on because it does feel like running a marathon and you need alot of stamina for that but you WILL all get to the finishing line. I take my hat off to you all especially those of you who have been through a few cycles it's the most emotionally,physically and expensive rollercoaster your ever likely to go on, but a few weeks ago I felt that things hadn't worked and felt those feelings of despair raising their ugly heads but here I am with a BFP and so far so good (touch wood)  I think what I'm trying to say is you obviously don't know when it's going to happen but when it does you almost can't believe how quickly things have changed even though you know you've had treatment-I suppose it's because the whole journey of infertility takes so long and then all of a sudden your not on that road any more and I know that as hard as it is now for you you will all find yourselves in that very different position almost like it's happened over night! lots of luv Ness xxx


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

ness thank you sweetheart

i had a good cry last night i the bath and i feel so much better today, think the tooth op knocked me around more than i realised


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## CookieSal (Jun 24, 2007)

Ummm....I can't put into words all the things that have been haunting me over the past few weeks.  I stayed away because I was feeling so upset and anxious and was terrified that if I came back on and found everyone else moving on and having success I would feel even worse - horrible, selfish person right?    But the bottom line is, I just want information.  I have had mixed messages, purely because everyone has been trying to help and do the right thing for me but now I am just scared and confused.    Is this a new fibroid or what is left from the other one?  Is it growing fast?  Is it going to be a problem?  Do I need treatment for it / another op?  Should I just get on and have another go at TTC whilst it's small?  I'm driving myself crazy not knowing what to do and it's making me feel very small and alone.    Far too many tears have been shed over the past month and depression took a horrible grip on me.   I knew the last cycle was unlikely to work as the odds were stacked against me but I still felt grief when it didn't.  The cyclogest has upset my system which I guess is no surprise as my body has always been a bit hysterical (like me I guess) but I am trying to be rational and not panic - I will probably ovulate when its caught up with itself and I am going to try and stay calm in the meantime.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

sal

i so hope you get some answers soon hunni and believe me, we have all at some point felt what you are feeling now and we understand

you are allowed to feel jealous of others good news you know and hey you wouldn;t be normal if you didn;t, all around there is good news and bad, my advice is stick with us we are all here to help you mate


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

I'm sure we'll all be posting on here at one point or another.  No-one prepares us for how we may feel during this journey.  I'm calling it my highway of hell and not a journey right now because that's how I feel my experience has been since the start of all this.  Isn't a journey something you do or go on when you travel somewhere ... I don't know if I will end up anywhere, but I'm praying that it will be somewhere nice  

Sal it's so easy to slip into a depression, I felt that way after my first failed tx.  I wouldn't get dressed and stayed in my PJ's all day, wouldn't go to work.  I had to force myself in the end to get back to normality and gain strength from somewhere to keep going.

Tx certainly changes people, it has me.  I've never ever cried so much.

Each one of us on this thread has a different story/reason behind their IF and we're all here to support and not judge like Spooks said  

Hope you get some answers soon Sal.


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

I just wanted to add to this as I'm feeling down today. I feel like a hypocrite and a fraud moaning about the fact we cant have babies naturally and that i read all your stories and i really wish it would happen for each and every one of you. why should it happen to me first time and with only 5 years ttc when there are some of you ttc for over 10 years, what makes me sooo special for it to work first time. thats why i think it wont!! how can i comfort you or support you when i really don't know the heart ache of your bfn after very long months of tx. yes i have had bfn and i DO know what it feels like, i also have a child and know the heartache you have knowing i have been pg and given birth, so what gives me the right to cry and be sorry for myself when i see pg people or babies........... sorry I'm not all there   haven't even jabbed myself yet. can u imagine what I'm gonna be like when i do


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

aww kelly

that is such a wonderful post and what you have said just proves you know how we feel

ttc is hard whether is 1 year or 10 years, we are here for eachother always

i really admire your understanding


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

aww kelly hun i know how u feel hun and i do admire you for what u just wrote !!!

I am feeling crap today on and off i have jack and he is the light of my life he is so specail to us !!
He is nagging lately about having a brother or sister he even got a spare toothbrush for the baby at the moment i  feel crap cause i cant give him what he wants i really need to sort my lifestyle out..
But then i think i was a lot smaller when i started trying to  fall pregnant 10yrs +  ago and i just think why is it going to work now if it havent after all these yrs sorry for the moan ..
Big hugs to you all love emma xxxxxxxx


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

group hug for all you  ladies


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

group hug girls

we are all here for eachother, each of us has different situations, no one is the same

we can get something good for all of this and thats true friends


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

at the mo, mike is looking at me funny now lmao 

              

thanks for understanding and im soo greatful for you all mwah


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Sorry if this is a ME post.

As some of you know I've been battling with my GP to fund my IVF drugs for future treatments.  Firstly I was advised to seek helep fom our Local Health Board and then was referred back to GP as a patient cannot request funding so went back to GP to start all over again.  Applied to LHB then they refused the application as fertiliity is a specialised area and advised to apply to Health Commission Wales which my GP did.  Now we've had the reply after lost letters etc and they wont fund the drugs.  I'm seeing my GP in the morning to see if anything can be done to contest this but I feel so low right now, really struggling to keep PMA.  I cannot afford much more treatment and was hoping this would be a great help.  Our treatment and drugs is one of the most expensive and some funding would have helped immensely.  I've been really upset all afternoon as I cannot believe I'm one of the few that funding isn't available for.  My plan is to write to AM and MP and get the ball rolling there but not holding out much hope.

Infertility sucks !!!


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

the postcode lottery is a JOKE

how dare where you live dictate how many txs and if your gp will prescribe any drugs

the money side of things hunni is massive and its no wondering this news has brought you crashing back down but as they say the only way is up now.


i so hoping your writing to them might help huni i really do

i agree infertility sucks


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

aww Andi   that's really [email protected] news. It's so frustrating - people say things like, 'don't worry about the cost, it'll be worth it'' but sadly they don't realise the implications of money worries when it's yet another problem to add to the long list of worries when enduring the nightmare world of infertility! (i know i'm no expert, but that's my experience so far and i haven't even started tx yet!)

My GP just wasn't interested and he too, told me to contact the LHB myself. I think GP's knowledge of infertility is very limited and the majority seem to have a 'couldn't care less' attitude. Mine told me he hasn't got the budget he needs to start with, so there's just no scope for funding things such as infertility.Like spooks said, you may find a GP who has an interest in gynae problems etc but i think pro-active GP's seem to be few and very far between   They are business managers before doctors!

I would write to your AM and argue your case - you've got nothing to lose and at least you'll feel like you're trying to do something about the situation.

You never know, it may just do the trick  

Moth x


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Thanks for your replies girls.

Spooks what's your good news?

I'm gearing up to go see my GP this morning, I'm actually gonna walk the 1.5 miles there and back and hope it will clear my head a little.  I cried so much yesterday I think it just brought things to a head and I had a much overdue blub, I think I've been too strong since my last failed tx and I have PMT too so no wonder ehhh!!  I hope I can hold it together when I'm there.

I have a copy of the letter my GP wrote to them because I had to get them to refax it .... another long story.  I'm not sure if I can move GP's, as far as I'm aware you have to live within their catchment area.  My GP practice doesn't hold their own budget therefore all this begging to the budget holders.  I do think the GP I see now is sympathetic and has done what she can to help.  There's 5 doctors in the practice and I stick to the same one now for this issue.

Will update you later on my fight ... thanks for caring girls.


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hello andi im so sorry hun you have to go through this i agree with the girls its blo.dy disgusting that you have to go through this on top of all the other worrys,  i realy hope u can get this sorted sending you big massive hugs love from emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  

Ps~ infertility do suck big time


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

my mortgage has just gone up 115quid a month


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Oh bummer Kara, are you shopping around for a new deal?

Well as expected girls, no joy at GP's.  She told me to get a copy of the HCW's Review Policy, apparantly my request doesn't meet the current HCW Policy for IVF treatment.

Seems the fight continues .... alone!


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

bloody heck your just going round and round in circles with your gp  andi   keep on to them.. my gp is leaving at the end of aug so i have had a brain wave ..do you girls think if the heath give me a list of drugs i need for next fresh go at ivf i could hand it in to her to get them before she leaves? would they expect me to have a round of ivf or could i do it within a year within the use by date of the drugs?


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

i have an advisor coming next week


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

great news Spooks  

Miriam, I have no idea, it can't hurt to ask Clinic


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

mine is northern rock

need i say more


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

kara - i am sure you can get a better deal than that !! i am with barclays and renewed mine this year it had gone up 30 quid <not much i know> but when i rung them to see what they could offer it actually went down £8.oo ! so i defo think you will get a good deal

Spooks - so glad for you news you deserved a bit of good luck honey  you never know i may be joining you in your new clinic in the future.. but hope you will have finished with them before i have started and had your BFP 

Anid - you know how sorry i am about the funding i think its totally unfair how some doctors agree and some dont, i was lucky i guess which i was thankful for as would have been total waste as did not get to ec and et again !!!! you should push it hun, get a petition going and all of us can sign it !!

its mad as on other rooms i go into some of them are having 3 rounds of tx on the NHS !!!


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

im moving and i bet the houses are cheaper too

im thinking of starting tx again well not as i planned and wait a little longer as i feel sad still

i think to go into a cycle while still feeling like this would be silly, who knows i might feel different in a few weeks so will just go with the flow and see what happens, im on day 2 of this cycle so i have at least 26 days to decide, and when next af arrives it would only be another 4 weeks til i need to decide

i will cycle before crimbo


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Well i had a little   in work this morning before i came home, i seen one of the girls that works on days well she is preganant and i havent seen her for a couple of weeks so when i seen her i was excited and then i said can i touch ur belly and omg it was beautiful she got eight weeks left, it made me feel so sad after as i might never experience being pregnant    it just sort of hit home, im sorry for bringing you down like this but i am normally pretty good.
I was working out how many of my immediate family have had babys since we have been ttc there have been  16 babys born and that is just my neices and nephews...
This infertilty is just so  crap


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

bloody hell 16 kids emma they must be at it like bunnies   only joking .. it does get to you emma we all have days like it ..so dont worry its normal ...infertility sucks!


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

emma honey xx  dont feel bad, we all know how you feel its really hard xx thats what we are all here for as we truely understand what your feeling and can appreciate it xx just remember you have Jack and they dont have the special little boy who is your xx


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

AWw thanks girls it is so bl..dy hard isnt it i agree miriam they are like bunnies i wish  was like that lol 
popsi i know i am extremly lucky to have jack and thye havnet got him he is so special to us and if i didnt have him i dont know what i would be doing now id most probably be a mental case signed in a  institution lol


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

em hunni

totally understand your feelings hunni, like you i just have to have a feel and then all the feelings come flooding later


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Yip im like that kara im feeling ok at the moment though lol


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

wel to start i will say im ****** off with waiting and i might have much more waiting to get though yet

i know alot of my problem today is the fact i have pmt and most of my good friends from fertility sites (not just this one ) seems to have gt pregnant since i have yet again failed

do not get me wrong im happy for them all of them yet it kinda brings it home that yet again its not me

ffs we have been trying 11 years in November surely its my turn

yes this post may sound like i am feeling sorry for myself and yeah i think i am

infertility is something you can not beat you can not work hard to get it because you are fighting mother nature and only she can decide when its your turn

what happens if i never have a child, there is no saying i will is there, no one can say

i might never be a mum and luke might never be a dad. we are lucky we love each other so much i know but i wana be a family so much

i am starting to wonder where/when this will end

sometimes i wish that someone would just say give up kara, move on and i would you know cause there are options after treatment but how can i stop treatment, i jus can't

im saving every penny i can get my hands on and yet so need a holiday, i need to cycle yet the fear is there of failing again

i know i am rambling but who ease is going undrstand this but you lot out there


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

aww kara huni, life is soo unfair and im soo sorry you have had to deal with all of this. Have you ever thought of a surrogate?? i really wish i had a magic wand and could take all of your IF, worries and pain away


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

sorry your feeling down kara   you are allowed tho cos your so strong the rest of the time ...mother nature needs to get her **** in gear and sort you out you soooo deserve it ...dont give up your time has got to be soon ...infertility sucks


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thinks is my hormones

af is painful and i feel so tired and knowng im stuck in work all weekend while luke goes off to watch drifting is;t helping


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Oh Kara - you can't always be the strong one - we're here for you to lean on too!  
If only there was a guarantee with this game, things wouldn't be soooooooooo difficult to cope with!

We put ourselves thro sooooooooooo much - pain, physical & emotional, stress and money For what??

Well it takes us nearer our dream, our goal and thats why we continue. 

In the mean time we're here to hold your hand until your dream is fullfilled.

Don't they say this is a 'numbers game' and so is the lottery and we keep doing that, hoping!  (just think howmany cycles that would pay for!)


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Aww Kara   ... it all sucks

You gotta keep   hun


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Aw Kara - you are allowed to have down days   

Ten years is such a long time I don't know how you cope - you are a far braver woman than me I know


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thanks girls

your suport means thw world to be and its so good to get these feeling out


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

What better place is there to let it all out...


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

im so sorry to bring this thread back up but im feeling so sad about things and not knowing what is next

ive been told the wait for a lap is 6 - 8 months, i don't wana wait that long, what if it effect my fertility. the wait between my last laps runined my second tube and in 2005 my tubes were open!!!!!

im gutted , ive sobbed in work now thats not like me

my last fresh cycle was in feb and its been 10 weeks since my failed fet so i would be looking at a year before cycling again

and after all this im not even 100% certain they will do a lap for me

i want vodka and to sit in a corner kara

strong kara is not here today


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

awww kara you cant be strong all the time you are only human   i hope your ok it must  be so frustrating not knowing whats happning and when whn your at your happiest planning and cycling


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## heleychamp (Jul 25, 2008)

Kara huni you don't have to be strong all of the time, i don't even think it's possible in this situation anyway, a break from being strong Kara won't hurt you and you have so many friends on here who will give you the support you need, have a vodka when you finish work if thats what you want and run away from all the thoughts in your head for one night if that's what you need just give poor you a little break even if it is only for one night xxx

If you're desperate to do another cycle before all of your test are over with then that's what you must do, you've been through enough to be able to make the best decisions for you


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Aww kara    Im so sorry you are feeling like this im afraid hun no words will change anything if i could change it i would     life can be so bloody cruel i really wish there was more we could do   
I agree with the girls kara you cant be strong all the time   and i agree with heley



heleychamp said:


> If you're desperate to do another cycle before all of your test are over with then that's what you must do, you've been through enough to be able to make the best decisions for you


I am here for you  love emmaxxxx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Kara  

Will   the right way is shownto you soon - in the meantime lean on us!


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Kara it must be so frustrating, I really empathise with you, there's nothing worse than not being in control of things and have plans and I know you always do.  I know you will have more definite plans in a few weeks with biopsy results and appts, but in the meantime have that vodka and shed those tears because if that's what helps you cope then do it.  

Hoping your plans will soon come together


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

so sorry kara  that your feeling like this. 
we are all here for you let us be the strong one for you

do what ever feels right for you, if that is vodka then do it.

    
thinking of you 
queenie xx


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

kara.. you know what i feel for you honey i told you earlier, take a bit of time .. get pi$$ed if it helps, have a bloody good cry, shout, or whatever will help you through this frustrating time babe xxx remember i am here for anything   , you are our rock and now its our turn to be your pebbles


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thanks girls

i sobbed to my boss too

god what a day


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

thank you so much for uour support it means alot


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Kara - you are well thought of on here because you offer so much support, knowledge and kindness to everyone else.  I am sorry that you are feeling down and I don't know what I could say that could comfort you or make you feel better - but I do think it's ok to let those emotions out and to be honest about how you are feeling - be kind to yourself hun.xxxx


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Kara, I'm so sorry you've been feeling down.  I hope you feel better today but it's ok to get angry and frustrated this whole process is a nightmare.  If vodka helps go for it!


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Well the TWW is over for me, I started to bleed on Saturday.  Don't know where we go from here - DH and I had sort of agreed it would be our last treatment. 

I still live in hope that it might happen naturally but for the moment we have to believe in the 'power of three'.  I am so blessed to have my boy.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

lola i am so sorry hun

you don't need to decide anything just yet, take some time

hugs


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Lola - I'm so sorry to hear that.     Take care, Laura xx


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Thanks girls.  I'm just trying to have an easy day today


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

lola have you booked a follow up huni?


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

No, not yet Kara - I don't think DH would want to at the moment - I suppose I could book one and go on my own - he said last night that he wants this part of his life to be over - as in closing a chapter.  There must come a time when you have to move on....I just don't know if I'm ready to yet...


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

you might have to wait 5 or so weeks for an appointment

things are very raw for you both at the moment and hey you don't need to decide anything just yet

moving on is such a personal thing and some ladies/gents do it sooner rather than later

i know i can't let go just yet


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hiya lola hun i am so sorry to hear of ur bad news hun i will be thinking of you hugs emmax


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Sending you a big hug Lola.  Thinking of you both


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Lola

I am so sorry to hear your news   i understand totally about not wanting to go to the follow up, we never went on our last one as we did not want to go back to the clinic again and resurect bad memories. xx take some time and do what you feel is right for you both xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Lola   to you and dh!  thinking of you both X


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

im so sorry lola   i hope your ok xxxxxxxx


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

so sorry lola. thinking of you  

take care xxx


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

Lola im thinking of you xx


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Lola, i'm so sorry - you and dh take care  

Keep in touch xxx


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Hi all

Thanks for all your kind support and the hugs.  It means alot to me.  I am feeling a bit better at the moment.  I had a bit of a wobble went I went to pick DS up from school and nearly ended up in tears in the school yard - not a good look   

I remember saying after the last failed IVF that I feel sorry for DS that he won't have a sibling - but this afternoon I have been reading about adoption and I know it's early yet and I need to grieve properly - but I'm not against the idea though I think DH might need some persuading 

Lola xx


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Hiya Lola

I'm glad you are ok, you've got plenty of time to think about moving on and where you and dh would like to go from here. But give yourself a little time recover from the treatment. Remember how lucky you are to have your ds and as you say your family can grow without you having to endure more treatment. 

You take care and look after yourself. xx


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Thanks Moth


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Sorry for your sad news Lola.

Take some time for you and have a good rest x


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Oh well girls, tested this morning, sadly it's a bfn for me  

So much for PMA!

Thanks for all your support. Catch you soon.

Am going back to bed to wallow in self pity.

love

Moth xxx


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

moth

i am so so very sorry, my heart does go out to you

i am here anytime you know that

hugs hun


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Cheers kara

What you doing on here so early in the day! have you nothing better to do, or are you at work 

See you at the clinic tomorrow. Off for a nap now, didn't get much sleep last night.

love

Moth xx


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

well i didn;t sleep much, weird dream and rex woke me up barking

i saw your text and had a little cry for you


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Moth, I'm so sorry to hear it was a BFN for you.  Take care


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

o no moth im so sorry   i hope you are ok


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Moth you were so positive, I hope you are okay.  So sorry for you both xxx


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Ohh moth i am so sorry   for you hun   love emm axxxxxx


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

moth i am so so sorry for you both. 

sending you loads of  

hope your ok

love queenie xx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Moth thanks for letting me know and have pm'd you back!
But just wanted to add my love and support!
Thinking of you both


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

Moth i am so sorry, sending you my love xxx


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

moth i am so very very sorry... its devistating when this happens xx


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Moth

Have some more     

I hope you have had an easy day in bed.

Lola xxx


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## w.smith (Jul 16, 2008)

Unfortunately it's over for me too. I got spotting Monday and Tuesday, started bleeding on Thursday and not surprisingly got a BFN when I tested.  I know that I'm blessed to have my DS but my sadness at him not having a brother or sister and my longing for another child to love won't go away. It's looking at the moment that we'll have one last go but we realise that we cannot go on indefinitely as I'm nearly 41. Adoption is also something that we're willing to consider but we've been told in the past that we wouldn't be considered for a child under 4 or 5 and we would still be grieving for the lost years that we wouldn't have had with that child. You just feel like you're caught in a trap sometimes! Anyway, we'll book up a follow-up appointment and take it from there.  Hugs to all. 

Wendy


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

wendy i am so very sorry

we are all here for you, whenever you need to talk


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

Sorry to hear your bad news Wendy, take some time out xx


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Im so sorry to hear of you sad news wendy


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

so sorry wendy, take care hun


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

wendy.. sorry to hear your news, take care of yourselves


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

so sorry wendy i hope your ok


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Oh Wendy, i'm so sorry, it's so unfair isn't it.

My thoughts are with you dh and ds.

take care xx


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

so sorry wendy for you. sending  

take care 
queenie x


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Just wanted to share my devastating news before disappearing for a while to lick my wounds and repair my broken heart (sorry if that sounds dramatic but that is how I actually feel) 
but as you have guessed we got another bfn!

Really don't know where we go from here but I'll keep an eye on you all!
Wishing each and everyone of you their dream come true!


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## siheilwli (Jan 18, 2006)

Scouse, hun   i'm so so sorry.  As for not knowing where to go from here, it's not the time to think about that, just time to be kind to yourself and DH. It's such a heartbreaking journey, I wish I could make you feel better with eloquent words, but I know that I can't.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

scouse you know how very sorry i am

take some time out

we are all here is you need us


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

scouse so very very sorry for you. will be thinking of you in my 

we are all here for you when you need us


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Scouse  

Am so very sorry, it's so unfair isn't it. Thinking of you and dh.

Take care

love

Moth x


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

scouse i am heartbroken for you, this news is devistating, just take some time with your DH now and dont make any hasty decisions yet, i am here if you want anything at all, i am so very sorry to read this today, your in my   x

Andrea xx


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

scouse, I'm so so sorry to hear your news.  Sending you lots of    

xx


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

I am so shocked and devastated for you Scouse, I really thought this was going to be your time.  It's so unfair this fertility russian roulette.

Thinking of you both  xxx


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

oh no scouse im so so sorry for you i really thought this was your time ...your right andi it is like bloody russian roulette...really isnt fair ...i hope your both ok take time to recover it is devastating when it doesnt work


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

omg scouse i am so sorry to hear of ur bad news hun   i really thought it would be as well take the girls advice hun will be thinking of you both


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

aww scouse im very sorry hun to hear your news. im thinking of you sweetie xxx


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## banksy1 (Aug 19, 2008)

Scouse 

I am so sorry about your news,  

banksy


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## heleychamp (Jul 25, 2008)

Scouse, it's crap there isn't much else to say  take some time to feel stronger before you decide whats next xxx  Helen


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

sorry to have to bring this thread back but i'm feeling rotten. have just been told my sil is preg. of course i am happy for them. but i'm just so upset for dh and me. i don't no how much more i can take of people around being preg and having babies. it just seems so unfair. i keep putting on a brave face and being all happy and telling everyone that i'm fine. when inside i am falling apart. why oh why is it so unfair that we have to go through all this when everyone around get preg just by looking at their other halfs. did my jab the quickest i have ever done it just didn't care. you guys are the only ones i can talk to about this and you are the only ones who understand what it is like. i hate all this treatment we have to have it is just not fair. 

thanks for listening

queenie x


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## Cath34 (Oct 14, 2008)

I know exactly how you feel and everyone around me seems to be pregnant or on their 2nd child already. My sister in law is due quite soon and we spend quite a lot of time together and its so hard but like you I put on a brave face. Try and stay positive I think its our only hope. My confidence is dropping fast as I'm going into my 4th cycle now but I try and stop my negative thoughts as i know it isnt helping my tratement! Chin up hun.   xx


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

queenie dont worry thats what this sites for ...speaking to people who understand    i know its so bloody unfair when relatives and freinds get pregnant so easy and you have to put on a brave face when we have tried so hard and have to go through all of this just for a chance .. i really hope that this will be your time you really deserve it


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

thanks girls.

dh told me i'm supposed to be trying to stay stress free not getting upset. like you said cath all my friends and family are on their second pregnacies or child. and here we are struggling to have one. just wish i could stop crying

i'm sure i will feel better tomorrow it just having the news this evening, just reminds you how unfair life can be. 

just want to thank you all for being such good friends. what would i do without you all.

    to us all.


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Queenie I know exactly how you feel.  It's so so hard.  Two of DH's friend's wives are preg with 2nd children right now.  I find hearing about it the worst bit too.
Your DH is right though, you need to be stress free as far as possible.  It's hard but good to get it all out tonight hun.


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Queenie   Can't take the pain away Queenie, but please know that you are not alone. We are here for you and understand what you are going through. I had my nephews birthday party yest and had to go and have some quiet time in the loo and fight the tears because my 2 SIL's were discussing trying for their second and my auntie pipes up and says I'm surprised that you haven't decided to have children , it was always you who spent evey minute babysitting. Hmm if only she knew!

Are you going to the meet on thurs? Be good for you to be with the lovely ladies here who know what you are going through.

Take care of you x


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## Taffy Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Oh Queenie hun I soooo know what you are going through.    
You know hubby is right - try and stay calm and focus on your own your own treatment at the minute. 

My cousin's wife is just about to have her second and I am just glad they live away so I can make an excuse to not go and see the new arrival - which is just awful because my cousin and I have always been so close - but its just another cruel reminder of what we dont have and so desperately want. 

Take care of yourself - and do come on here and get it all out - we're all here for you
x


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

queenie   This road is such a hard one to go down, and sometimes a very lonely one but dont forget we are here for each other  
  I   that this tx is the one for you hun


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

queenie hun

what you are feeling is so normal and natural, its just not fair is it

the trouble is people don't think like us and for them getting pregnant is easy and they can never understand the pain we go through, ive tried to explain it many times to people with children but they can try and understand but many don't even bother.

i say have a good cry


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## KellyG (Jun 11, 2008)

Aww queenie hun, i agree with Kara have a good cry and let all the stress and some of the heart ache come out. Thinking of u xx


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

thank you everyone so much for your kind words. still feeling down today this pregnancy seems to have hit me the hardest. at the moment feel like locking myself away from everyone, but as you all know its not possible and we have to get on with it with a brave face on and hiding the pain inside. hoping to feel a bit stronger tomorrow.

would have loved to come to meet but it is difficult for me during the school week. 

thank you all again

queenie x


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

im gona tell you a little story about hiding away and i know in your situation you can't do this

luke's mum married a guy with 7 children , he was a single dad

well after 5 years the married broke down and luke's mum left, we kept in touch and often went over to see him and the kids and were very close

he met a nice new lady, who i got on with and spoke openly about your ivf and went through 2 cycles while she was around

anyway it was one of the kids 18th birthday parties and as soon as i walked into the party i had this feeling that the lady was pregnant, so i waited to be told....no one said anything, her not smoking or drinking was a big give away

later the son who was 19 then asked me if i knew she was pregnant and told me how cross he was with them, i was gutted and almost sobbed there and then (i don't cry alot)

i was down regging at this time too which makes this feel awful anyway

later that evening i couldn't not say anything so i tapped the lady on the shoulder and said congratulation, her reaction was awful and she was crying and saying how sorry she was which is turn made me cry in the middle of a party....that was the last time i saw them

i chose to hide away as i couldn't face them , she was 16 weeks pregnant when I FOUND OUT and the lack of understanding did my head in

the child is now 3 and we have never seen it and probably never will, we have seen the older kids but not the little ones

looking back i kinda wished i hadn't hide away but i was so hurt by their actions

so even though you feel you wana hide away now, you won't always feel like that and hey lets hope your pregnant together

love and hugs to you

**** im gona cry again now


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

thanks for the story sorry it has made you cry. i can't hide away from them as it is my sil. they are 7 weeks preg and told me now as they thought it was best now for me than telling me later when it was nearer et week when i def need to have a pma. which was kind of them to think of me. 

messages from you all have made me feel better all ready thank you


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

you try and keep your chin up and crying is good hunni, its gets it all out

both my sil's were pregnant at the same time which sucked


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Queenie, sounds like they thought carefully about your feelings before telling you hun.  That's good that they have tried to understand but it won't make you feel any better I'm sure.


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

I know that this isn't fertility related but hope that it ok to say here.

Got a phonecall from my parents today to say that they had to put our family dog to sleep. Had him since a teenager and am very sad. Just wish I was there to say goodbye. So my chill out before tx that was going so well has turned in to a crap time. Will pick myself back up, just very upset at the moment and it is making me not positive about tx.

My two poochies are in kennels and when I found out the news I had to phone to check how they are in floods of tears. They must have thought that I a right idiot!


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Aww Pix that's awful. So sorry to hear that. Losing a pet is horrible especially if it's one you grew up with.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

oh no hun what an awful thing to happen

my heart really goes out to you, remember he loved you with all his heart and wouldn't want you unhappy.

you need time to grieve now and we are here for you if you wana talk


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## Jule (Oct 12, 2008)

Sorry Pix to hear about your pet.  How awful its so sad. Pets are so much part of the family and the place is so empty without them.  Take care


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Aww im so sorry pix to hear about ur familys dog     
   love to you all hugs emma xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

pix so sorry to hear that.


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

so sorry pix its horrible losing pets there part of the family ..as you had your dog a while take comfort that you gave it a lovely life


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Thank you all so much, your kindness makes my heart warm.


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Girls, I wanted to apologise for not being around so much on FF lately.  I think it's partly that lull you get after a failed treatment and cos I'm worried that I won't respond again next time which will probably mean the end of the road.  Plus I was desperate to be pg by the time our baby would have been due (18th May) and that's not happened.  I can't really believe it's been so long since we lost the baby and I feel like I don't want to forget.  It's also getting harder to remember what it was like being pregnant which is scary as I've been hanging onto that - in case I don't get pg again.

I am thinking about you all a lot and will be on but probably not quite as often.


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

orrr laura dont appoligise  i totally understand that it can be hard coming on here anyway after a bfn nevermind with your due date coming up  its bound to be a big reminder of the baby you have lost   i know how you feel that you will never forget the baby you have lost you just hope getting pregnant might fill in the gap just a little ...it took me years to get over my ectopic ...i really feel for you and i wish you all the luck in the world for your next go


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

oh laura you really don't need to apologise. please know that we are here for you

you have been through so much and you are bound to feel down. I can understand why you want to hang on to the feeling of being pregnant. can you maybe do something to remember your baby, light a candle, plant something nice in your garden or even just write something down and put it away. 

loss is such a hard thing to go through and i think it can take years to get over the feelings of hurt, anger, etc etc. 

i just wana let you know that my thoughts are with you and your dh


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Aw Laura   there's no need to be sorry sweetie. You have been through such a very tough time and these coming weeks are difficult it is understandable how you feel.

It is important that you take some time and space, but know that we are here and thinking of you x


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

laura as everyone has said i'm here if you need me and i'm thinking of you both. it must be such a hard time for you and you will never forget your little one as everyone else has said take your time and like kara said perhaps you could do something to remember you angel by.

lots of   and  

queenie x


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## ANDI68 (Aug 17, 2007)

I'm sorry about how you feel.  Just want you to know you are in my thoughts xx


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Im sorry if i sound selfish but i was just on msn and my niece who is 12 , Came on to say my other niece who is 25 is pregnant , Its just the way i was told oh yeah trudi preggers , i know she is 12 and dont know what i am feeling, buti would have liked to have been told by , My niece who is pregnant , ihavent felt so **** as i do now . I am pleased for her but gutted as its like another knife in me reminding me!!


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

aww emma darling.. nothing we can say will make it better, but i do totally understand how you feel, its the most HORRIBLE feeling that any woman could have to go through     xx i here if you need me honey


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

oh hun i can so understand how you are feeling right now

it does cut like a knife and if anything i think its probably more painful, you are allowed to feel sad when thing like this happen and i think sometimes we try an be too strong

i hope you are able to have a good cry as this will help

i wana send you a massive hug


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Thanks girls i cried as soon as i seen the words come up   still crying its times like this that i realise that people havent a clue how we are feeling!!
I just text my niece and said hello , she text back saying i guess you know . i said yes i heard of msn she said only my two sisters my mother and my nephew knew , she is 6 weeks.


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Oh Emma, I so know what you are going through, I have recently found out that my SIL is pregnant again and they said that they have trouble conceiving and life is tough, yet they are on second natural pregnancy!!

It is such an unbearable cruel feeling, that is so unfair that you having to experience. Remember that we are here for you and please don't ever think that you are being selfish


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Emma, I wanted to send you loads of hugs hun.  It's horrible hearing about pregnancies especially if they are really unexpected.   

You're right Pix, it's the most awful thing to go through and especially when we don't know if we'll ever have our own babies.  I think if you knew no matter how much tx you would need that eventually it would work it'd be fine.  But the uncertainty is the worst thing I find.

Kara, I hope your AF shows up soon.  Take care,


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## Taffy Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Oh Emma, I am so sorry - I echo what everyone else has already said.  

Its so hard at times. In my job I come up against it all the time - people getting pregnant seemingly at the drop of a hat when not trying and living terrible lifestyles. Life can be so cruel at times. 

I have been listening to the IVF Companion Hypnotherapy CD and have found this has given me a much more positive outlook of anything preganancy related - (be happy to lend/let you have a copy if you like?).


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

emma sending you   it is such a hard thing we go through and i don't think anyone understands what we go through. ditto to what everyone has said. 

thinking of you


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

hunni i think what you are feeling right now is natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

maybe as you say J could stay with grandparents on your OTD, this seems like a good idea

hey and don't worry about upsetting your dh he can't change the past just like you can't change the way you feel and telling him will probably be a good thing as now he will understand when you feeling this way.

I can't begin to understand how it feel but please know we are all here for you.

i see you have worked out dates,could you down reg longer so she would have gone back home?


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

so sorry about the post, things seem so more difficcult at 3.30 when you can't sleep, feeling bit better after some sleep. I am sorry if I have come across as a horrible person.

Thanks so much Kara, as usual you can offer great advice and hadn't thought of possibility of down reg for longer and the dates i have worked out are obviously not set in stone so tx could actually go over anyway, iT is great to know that the option is there. Thanks hun, it great not to feel so alone. I haven't been able to share these feelings before and getting them out helps so much.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

you can share anything with us

this road is a hard one and sharing these thoughts and feelings can help


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## Taffy Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Pix       thinking of you.


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

thank you, means alot x


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Pix, your feelings are very normal.  Hope you are feeling ok.


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

im sure no-one thinks you are horrible pix   these feelings are normal your mind is bound to go into overdrive at 3 in the morning when tx is approaching ..hope you are ok tonight


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

pix didn't read your post but i'm sending you  hope you are ok today.

well my best friend has told me that she is pregnant for number 2, so that is another person to have to watch going through a pregnancy. why does it have to hurt so much.  trying to put a brave face on.

also phoned clinic today about brown discharge i have had since my period ( on day 19 of cycle) they advised me to do preg test just to confirm that there is n't a pregnancy and then have to phone tomorrow to tell them and they will decide what to do next to find out why i have this discharge.  not looking forward to doing test, i know it is negative so really don't want to do it and look at the result. 

have also booked app to plan next tx.


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## mimi41 (Feb 28, 2008)

Hugs Queenie, there is always a chance though.  I really p*ss myself off because i always think like that and every month i think maybe.  I wish i could be negative


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

Thanks Queenie  

Oh it is so difficult watching people going through pregnancies, esp friends. It does hurt so much, it is ok to be sad. When my best friend told me that she is pregnant with her third, and due when I would have been had my last tx worked, I went to the garage and sobbed my heart out. There is a time when you need to put a brave face on, but you must allow yourself to cry if you need to.  

Hope you'll be ok doing the test, thinking of you


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## Taffy Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Queenie sending you lots of       - its so hard isnt it. 
Be brave, smile and say all the right things like a good friend ....and then run away, hide, have a good cry and give yourself some time. Take care - thinking of you. Remember       your time will come.      
x


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

oh queenie big hugs what a hard time for you

hope you get the discharge sorted


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

queenie i really do feel for you and pix i know how horrible it is seeing pregnant friends and family be brave your times coming ... even tho i now have maia i still get that feeling when seeing pregnant people i always think you dont know how lucky you are


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

thanks Miriam, well you are evidence for us all to know there is hope


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

thanks all, well i did a test and of course it was negative so will give clinic a ring today to see what they say next. 

thanks for your messages you guys are the only ones who knows what its like. pix hope you are feeling better over your upset.


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## Queenie1 (Aug 21, 2008)

well i phoned clinic and they said that as i wasn't preg or having tx at the moment that i should see my dr instead. so i phoned and went and saw the nurse at my surgery and she said examined me and said i have some old blood clots and that i probably need a heavy bleed to clear myself out. she said my hormones were probably all over the place. she took a swab test just to make sure there was not an infection. she was lovely and asked how i was feeling and i ended up having a   i told her that i have a lot going on at the moment. ( dh has had a lump removed from his back and it is very swollen and was told that it could burst over the weekend, he sees consultant on tues. so hopefully he might get the blood drained away.   that it doesn't burst). i could do with a holiday away from being me ( wish it could be that easy)

nurse was lovely and way symathetic to ivf tx saying it took her 7 years to have a child and that its very hard when everyone around you is having babies. 

think i will start a ticker to my holiday and try and get some pma back.


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## Taffy Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Queenie sending a few more  to you. Your nurse sounds lovely - and just goes to show there's hope for all of us.  
Try and keep focussed on the positive things like your holiday.        
Hope hubby is on the mend soon too. 
Thinking of you 
x


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

queenie your nurse sounds brill

i hope the clots clear soon.


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## PixTrix (Aug 20, 2008)

thanks Queenie, am better than I was. Sending you lots of   you are having a tough time and hope things start to improve for you we are all here for you x


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## Jule (Oct 12, 2008)

Hope Queenie your clots get sorted soon and you feel bit better after having a cry.  Sometimes it helps to talk and the nurse sounded very sympathetic.  Hope your feeling bit better and are starting to look forward to your hols, not long now til you can relax


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## miriam7 (Aug 8, 2007)

glad you had a nice understanding nurse    holiday will do you both good


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## mimi41 (Feb 28, 2008)

Queenie hope your feeling better soon.  Not long until your holiday woohoo


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## Laura36 (Jun 27, 2007)

Queenie, just wanted to send you some virtual hugs.   
Hope you are feeling ok.  
I hate having news of pregnancies.  We have 2 friends currently expecting although not that close friends so it's not too bad.  
Like Taffy says, smile, say the right things then get some time alone and have time for  
Your practice nurse sounds so lovely.


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