# How do people find the strength to carry on after 1st BFN??



## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Hi all

I have had my first BFN and no words can help to heal this pain  

I had a top grade balst transferred and it didn't work. Just feel like had such high hopes and they were all dashed

Hope there are some other ladies who know what its like

xxx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Robinson84,

Firstly massive hugs for your negative. Only the ladies here on FF who have experienced the agony of a BFN are able to understand the pain and horror of the effect of it.

I've been on this forum for about 4 years and have just achieved my first ever positive. I went through 5 gut wrenching negatives, one after the other and each time although you feel like dying, somewhere the strength comes back to try again. I notice that you have 2 frosties and please god they will bring you success.

I wrote this post after my 4th negative and hope that it makes sense. Keep talking to your DH and keep posting, the ladies here are amazing.

Dee

*****************************************************************************************
*BFN*

Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 72% of women in my age group (39) are unsuccessful at IVF.

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 28% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 72% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices?

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down? 
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover? 
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them? 
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms.

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby.

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers. How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle?

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army. Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 5!!!!!


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Irish- thankyou hun for your reply. Your story gives me so much hope and congrats on your BFP  Follow up on Mon so will see whats next xxx


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## [email protected] (Nov 25, 2006)

Hi Robinson84,

so sorry to hear of your BFN, I hope you and your DH take time to heal yourselves. It does hurt - a hell of a lot and only time can help you over this pain you are feeling right now.

Me and my DH have done it again and again to ourselves and each time we get a BFN I beat myself up with things like 'what did I do wrong' 'if only I did this' 'maybe I should've taken this/avoided that'. It has taken us 4 years since the last cycle to get the strength together to do it for a 5th time. We are broke (and almost broken) so this will be our last attempt. If it doesnt work we still have each other, good jobs, lovely friends & family so we count our blessings.

Wishing you all the best of luck for the future

Kx


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks Karen.  xxx


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## emmab81 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hey Robinson. I was in exactly the same position as you a few weeks back. I tested negative on xmas eve of all days. To say xmas was cancelled in my house was a understatement. 

After having my follow up last week the doctor said everything went expected to plan. I should have produced a few more eggs (i had 7 in which 6 went to blast) so he is upping my meds on next cycle and he has advised to have 2 put back in. Everything else was perfect though so i couldn't understand what went wrong. As the weeks have gone on it gets a little easier. The first week or so was awful. I then started to think about next cycle which has made things slightly easier. You will get there and all good things come to them that wait i say. You have to think of it as its nothing you have done wrong for it not to work its just nature. xxxxxx


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Emmab

Thankyou so much for your reply. Its good to know were not alone in this journey.

Sorry to hear of your bfn too  

When do you cycle again or are you having FET?

I have follow up Mon. We don't get the option to put two back

xxxx


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## emmab81 (Aug 30, 2011)

I start next cycle start of April. Not long and gives me time to get a bit healthy. I didn't have any eggs to freeze. Are you starting fresh cycle or fet?

You will pick up soon. Everyone on here who has had a bfn so you deffo not the only one. You will get there. Its just a cruel way of how we get there.

I didn't think I had the option of 2 but have been advised to so you may find at your follow up they say the same. I opted for 1 on first cycle and literally when they put the egg back asked if i wanted 2 which I found odd as was told only 1 to start. When I got bfn it kept going round in my head what if I had 2. Your mind goes over working with what if's but my partner was straight to the point and said I need to stop thinking like that and rather like its snout statistics which was a bit of s shock. But I thought about it and its true and since he said that I have been feeling better about it all in a odd way xxxcc


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

I think I will be starting my next cycle April too and were having a FET as have two snowbabies. If they both thaw we can have them both put back

Thanks hun. I know it will get better it just takes time.

We didn't get a choice as got to blastocyst stage which has higher success rate so could only have one. 

Your oh sounds just like my DH who also said we were just in the 50% that weren't successful. I know hes right but wish we could be in the other half. We will be next time im sure  

xxx


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278545.0


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