# Help!



## Karaleigh (Mar 26, 2010)

Hello ladies!

I've been a browser of this site for a year now but only posted a couple of times. Ive found it has really helped me in the past to read other peoples stories and realise that I'm not the only one going through infertility problems! I would really appreciate anyones comments and support that they could offer me right now as I'm struggling to cope!   

Me and my DH have just completed 3 courses of iui....they all failed and we don't know why! DH has excellent sperm, no problems with me, had all the investigations! Which means we fall into the "unexplained infertility" group, which for me has been really difficult to get my head round, due to not being given a reason! Anyway, thats a brief history, we now have 6 mths wait until we start ivf! Can't believe this is happening to us! How do i cope with the next 6mths wait for treatment?? I try and throw myself into other things to help keep my mind off it....but come on, that really doesn't help! Please please if anyone has got any advice that they can offer me, i would very much appreciate it!

Love and baby dust to everyone in my situation x x x


----------



## Winegum (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi Karaleigh
Firstly, welcome to FF.  I was also a lurker for a long time before I plucked up the courage to join.  I'm so glad I did because I have met some wonderfully supportive ladies on here and it has really helped me through my various txs.  I won't deny I spend too much time on here, but if it helps then it's got to be good. When other people in your life know little or nothing of what you are going through, this place is a god send.


Secondly, I'm so sorry you are finding it difficult to cope at the moment, on the back of three failures, and facing months more waiting.  It is incredibly frustrating not having a reason - I mean, there must be a reason, mustn't there?  I can empathise a bit, because although I have irregular cycles, and that is a reason why I don't ovulate, I have had a lot of treatment which has induced ovulation and my dh's sperm are also first class, but still no joy.


I'm afraid I can't offer any pearls of wisdom, but I can tell you how I have coped and hope that it helps a little bit.   It won't be any comfort I'm afraid. You don't say how old you both are or how long you have been ttc so I hope I don't say something that might appear insensitive.  I have been ttc for getting on for 5 years now and by far the worst bit was the initial 2-3 years. There is just so much waiting, so many ifs and buts and so much to come to terms with.  I have coped by learning acceptance and patience.  I accepted that IF was a part of my life, that it was a long-term part of my life, and that it might take me many years to achieve my goal of having a family.  I accepted that I might only have 1 child, that I would be an older Mum and my dh an even older Dad.  I stopped seeing things in terms of months and started seeing them in terms of years.  I stopped getting angry about it.  I changed my mindset and instead of wanting to scream at the receptionist/consultant/gp "I'M 36 FFS!  I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO WASTE!"  I started thinking "I'm only 36, I could be 42".  I tried to see the advantages of my situation from every angle.  Someone sent me this "prayer" and I'd like to share it with you.  I'm not religious so substitute God for the passive voice or the universe.
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."



Also, a fellow FF'er Irish Dee posted this - her thoughts on IF and I would say that it sums up how I feel too:
Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place. Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.
We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together. We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one. 
I picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts. We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then. But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have.................... 

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 
I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons. 
Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have? If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it? The answer is no.
Most people struggle with something. Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love. I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives. 
I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents. 
Every success story that I read on FF has the same message. Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.
If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.
I only have one life and this is my intention. I'm going to enjoy mine. I'm going to enjoy my husband. I'm going to enjoy my friends. I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)
I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!



I know all of this is easier said than done, but it is very hard being hard on yourself.  believe it or not, 6 months will pass, and you will get to do IVF.  I am in the middle of it at the moment and I have to say, for all it's ups and downs, it's the highlight so far, worth waiting for.  I wish you all the best with your journey honey.
Take care of yourself and of each other
Love
Winegum xxx


----------



## Karaleigh (Mar 26, 2010)

Thank you so much for your reply winegum!
It was so very kind of you provide such a detailed/positive response!    By the end of reading it, i felt a lot better! Such positive words, i need to listen to them and learn to think them, instead of dwelling on the negative side of infertility. I've realised that i have put my life on hold for the last year in particular, i need to take your advice and focus on the good in my life, like my DH and start enjoying life again, i know it will be hard at times but if i don't try, i'll go insane!

Also, thank you for pointing out the little detail that i have written about my story so far in my profile, this has now be updated as you can see! You mentioned that the first 3 yrs ttc was the hardest, well maybe things will ease for us, as we are entering our 4th yr. You are right, we need to accept that infertility is part of our life and that it is a challenge that we hope to over come!

Thank you once again, you have been fantastic and the best of luck with your ivf! I really do hope that you end up with that BFP   

Love 
Karaleigh x x x


----------



## Winegum (Jan 15, 2010)

Awwww thanks Karaleigh   
I'm so glad I could help lift your spirits.  Coping with IF and having it in your life is a constant challenge and feelings of putting life on hold are common, and resentment about having to do that is normal.  I have trained myself to be a "one day at a time" person and to really try and live in the moment and enjoy something about each day, even if it is just treating yourself to a bit of chocolate    Inevitably friendships suffer, you feel less social, less bothered but that is just the way it is.  Getting angry only has one consequence and that is making you more stressed - that's not to say I don't have my moments    I will remember your name and look out for you in 6 months and hope to see that you have started your ivf  


All the best
Winegum x


----------



## tryingtryingtrying (May 13, 2010)

Winegum,
Can I just say that you rock! I enjoyed reading your exchange. Good luck, Karaleigh.
XXX


----------

