# Nursery sadness



## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi

I'm after some advice please, LO is going to nursery 2 mornings a week, having started beginning of June, initially settled well, hardly gave me a backwards glance !  However the last 2 sessions, he's been upset during the session, crying and getting really upset, although not all the time, it seemed to come in waves. Today he wanted to keep his back pack on all day and didn't want his snack or any lunch, he looked so sad when I picked him up, it broke my heart  
We can't think of any specific trigger for this, the staff at the nursery have said that sometimes LO's get like this after the novelty has worn off and they realise that this is the new normal, has anyone else experienced this?
I'm due back at work in October, we had  planned to gradually increase his sessions in August and September to gradually get him used to his new routine, however I'm now feeling uneasy about that as well.  LO has just turned 2 and been with us for 8 months.
Any thoughts or ideas ?  xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Mouseycat,

Yes we were told the same, re appearing to settle and then having a period of unsettling once again when the novelty wears off and they realise it's now the new routine. Our little lady's age/timescales were similar to your lo's and we too started her going 2 mornings (now 1.5 days).
It took a while for our DD to settle (she only goes part-time and they had said that it'd take longer as there's a bigger gap of her not going each week). This is of course even without any adoption related considerations on top.
The length of time she was upset for very soon lessened and quite quickly they reassured me that she was fine a few mins after I'd left and would then go on to have a lovely time. 
It's really hard when you leave and they are upset, I knew for our little lady that I had to go quite quickly when her bottom lip started or she'd just get more and more upset   
She occasionally still has her moments now when I drop her at nursery (she's been with us about a year and a half), but whenever I pick her up she's having a ball and genuinely has a lovely time there.

I'm sure by gradually increasing his sessions he'll be fine by October 

I know it's easy for me to say (looking back) as our little lady loves going now (with the exception of the occasional wobble), but I still remember how hard it was leaving her initially 
I have a good friend (another adoptive Mum) who gave me the same advice I'm giving you (as her little girl started a few months before ours), it took her about 8 weeks (part-time) to not cry when dropped off, and I'd say our little lady was about the same.

I'm sure before long it will be the same for your little man 
Just guessing, but maybe the act of keeping his backpack on was his way of keeping the visit 'temporary' i.e. saying, ''no....I'm keeping it on as I'm going back to Mummy''. It likely comforted him and gave him a link to you, made him feel reassured that he was going home again later.
I'm sure once he knows that Mummy always comes back, and he isn't being left there for good he'll relax and start to enjoy it 

Big hugs 
x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It happened for us. Little pink loved our nursery visits and settling in sessions. She did really well, too well, to begin with. And suddenly she realised that actually this is where mummy goes now and she wasn't coming   She knew the routine and clung to my leg as soon as we were through the door and had to be physically peeled off me screaming. It was awful. This lasted 5 weeks, like you say the initial fun novelty had worn off and reality had hit. But she started to settle, got to know the staff and children and began to enjoy going. One day she just trotted off to play and while a relief I then felt like she didn't need me any more so you can't win   Why not send a small keyring in with photos of you and home that he can keep close. Or a little photo album in his bag his keyworker can look at with him when he feels sad. Maybe a simple visual timetable would help, so first play, then lunch, then nappy and then mummy time, so he knows you're always coming back. He'll settle and you'll feel terrible until then, but he will get there. Little pink adores nursery now and even asks to go at the weekend


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

we too were the same. wee man was fine for the settling sessions and the staff warned us to be ready for the change - and boy did it come. It was heartbreaking to see. He started end of Oct aged 25 months going for 3 afternoons a week. Like the others have said, nursery said it would take longer for him to settle because of the gap - combine that with adoption issues and we were def expecting some difficulties. By Christmas he was no better and we were going to stop him going in the new year. Then one day in the Christmas holidays, out of the blue he said to my mum "my mummy and daddy always come back for me" (which was what we repeatedly told him over and over and over and over....)  and that was the lightening bolt moment for him. Since then he has been amazing - he absolutely loves it and even cried when it was closed during the Easter holidays.  Don't get me wrong we still sometimes have wobbles but as soon as he sees his friends he is fab.

I remember so well how awful I felt leaving him. The staff would literally have to peel him off me. He even hid his clothes once or twice thinking he wouldn't need to go so huge hugs to you. xxx


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks ladies, it's really reassuring to hear that others have experienced this.  We'll give some of these suggestions a go, starting tomorrow, we'll also have another talk with the nursery staff about producing a timetable for him to visually see how the day is going.  I'm also going to give him something to look after for me, to be returned when I pick him up at lunchtime, hopefully this will reinforce the fact that he will be picked up by me every time.
He's due to go to nursery tomorrow, and I'm feeling nervous already   here's hoping that he's not so sad !
MC xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

A little tip, try to get him to walk in so he doesn't need to be peeled off your person. As harsh as it sounds it makes it easier, as does a quick goodbye and exit sharpish. Do you ever ring to see if he's settled? I did for a bit and it really helped me to know she was doing ok and not breaking her heart still. I think it's really good you've started nursery now. We started November and I wasn't back in work until May. We increased after Christmas and she was fully settled on my return to work. I can't imagine the stress of work and settling your little one in and worrying about it all. One change at a time. Masses of luck for tomorrow, be positive, hopefully he'll pick up on the vibes


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Aw thanks Lolly, any tips gratefully received  . I also like the idea of calling up once I get home, might save me pacing the hall for 3 hours  
I'm so glad I've started this early, as you say, I've got the time to be on call and ease him in, he's due to go to two full days next month, we can always change it if necessary and I can delay going back to work if needs be for another month MC xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It's such a wrench isn't it   But I'm sure he'll get there, you have time and a plan if he's still a bit wobbly. Little pink does 3 mornings and will be doing her first full day next month. Sure she'll be fine but still a bit nervous. My little boy starts September too and I know he's going to struggle. But I think ultimately it will do him the world of good and if he's like his sister he'll be loving it soon enough   I worked in nurseries for many years but being on this side of the fence is totally different! Big hugs and keep us posted xxx


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

My birth son was the same.  He went to nursery 2 days a week from 4 months and was fine after a couple of weeks.  However a couple of weeks before his 2nd birthday he started clinging and screaming at drop off, it was awful.  It was just before Christmas so I was really anxious that the break from routine would make it worse.  It lasted about 6 weeks, then he just went in on his own one day and was fine again.  It was so horrible, I felt awful leaving him.  Nursery were great though. Several times they rang to say he was fine, settled a few minutes after I went and always said I could ring at any time. 

It will get better, hope its soon x


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Morning all

So, this morning was the worst so far ! He started crying in the car in the way there as he now recognises the route.  I went in with him and he was like a limpet, stuck to me, he would only sit down to do painting if I sat with him and again wouldn't take his back pack off.  I'd given him a photo of the 3 of us and a big key ring which has our back door key on it, we had fun beforehand locking and unlocking the door whilst I explained that I wanted him to keep it for me, so when I pick him up we can open the back door together, bless him, he just kept hold of the key and photo   
I'm ashamed to say, I snuck out whilst he was distracted, I feel so guilty at that as he's had so many people disappear in his life, but I couldn't get out of the door if I said goodbye, he started crying again.  I called the nursery and they said he was a bit teary when he realised I'd gone, but he had settled, I'm sure I could hear him in the background though .....
I'm now clock watching until I can pick him up!
Thanks Brummig, it's really hard to know if this is "normal" behaviour or if there's more to it, I suppose only time will tell.
Goodness Lolly, you'll have your hands full with two sets of nursery, hopefully your little pink will love her full day, and your little blue will follow his big sisters lead


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh bless him   and of course you too, it's horrible   How was he when you picked him up? Has he a good keyworker? The good thing is he was happy initially so it's a good sign you can get back to that


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

He was fine once we got home, as soon as I waked in, he said "take home" and pointed to the door, he'd kept his back pack on again and they used his dummy to settle him down, which is fine, thinking about it, he probably needs to be able to regress a wee bit, he usually just has his dummy for sleeping but included in his bag just in case.  His key worker is nice but she's about 12   (hopefully she just looks young !) I gave her the book "Inside I'm Hurting" and I've talked to her about how although it's for school aged children, the basics are universal, hopefully she's reading/read it.  
Well have a meeting in the next few weeks, as she's away on 2 weeks leave now, thankfully there's another last who has been working closely with his key worker, so will monitor it closely.
Thanks again ladies, it really does help knowing that you guys "get it"
Xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hopefully her being young means she's eager to learn and grow so will take it all on board... hopefully! Lovely you included his dummy, yes it's for bed but it's also his comforter and that's exactly what he needs right now, so if it's helping him settle then that's fab. I used to give a little verbal to little pink, so on drop off **** play at nursery and have lunch and then mummy comes back. On pick up a big cuddle and she'd say mummy comes back and I would reply mummy always comes back. Bless our little ones. It's so hard. But when they settle and love it it's a wonderful feeling. She gets so much from nursery. Given her history I should have been worried about my little girl but I just knew how resilient she was and I knew she would be fine. It's my boy I'm stressing over. Typical clingy mummy's boy with a complex history due to prematurity. So not an adoption thing but still very anxious! But we can do it!!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I know how hard it is. I did find however that leaving LO when he was distracted made things harder in the long run.As difficult as it is, you need to give him a kiss and quick cuddle and say 'Mummy love you and will be back at XXX o'clock.' Then the staff can distract him whilst you leave and he watches you. 
He needs to learn that when you say you're coming back, you mean it. Nursery staff are usually fantastic and happy for you to call and 10mins later they are often happy playing.

That said, we did prolonged settling in periods at each nursery ours has attended (two) and I've made it VERY clear that I want the truth from staff, not the glossed over version which you often get! For example, we're doing a star chart for good behaviour at the minute with our son, now 3.5yrs
'how's XXX been today?' 'Oh he's been fine. Played happily all day!' 
Then I later find out he threw toys at one of the worker's heads and yelled at her. Not only that, I discover two cars and three play coins in his pockets, which he has taken from nursery!


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi all
Oh Lolly, your little pink sounds like such a star! I know it's the right thing for my LO, he needs the extra stimulation, however you always feel no one can understand or meet their needs as well as you can, I suppose that's what being a mummy is all about  
Arrows, I'm going to speak to the nursery staff to ensure I get the full truth and not what they think I want to hear, it doesn't help in the long run if we're thinking they're settling well, does it?  I'm never going to leave without saying goodbye again, I knew as soon as I'd walked out of the door that I shouldn't have done it, we do these things sometimes though, eh, just human after all.
LO started saying "no xxxxxx" (his key workers name) this afternoon and we're not due there until tomorrow ! Oh well, I'm thinking marathon not a sprint, I feel a bit better tonight, not so anxious, as I have a plan with his dummy, our picture, his key and lots of reassurance, hopefully the weather will be brighter tomorrow so that they can spend time outdoors, he loves that.
Thanks again for listening ladies xx


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## bulmer (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi,just an idea for you to try - when our youngest LO started nursery she was very tearful and clingy and like yours had to be peeled off.  The staff were great and between us we came up with an idea for all of the class.  They got all of the families to bring in photos of important people, not just parents but siblings, grandparents even the family dog. The photos were put up all around the nursery at the children's height so they had access to them at all times.  The nursery added to them with photos of fun things they did in nursery and days out with families. This meant LO could see us at any time and could take the photo to hold if she wanted (they were laminated and blutacked onto wall) It has helped a lot not just for our LO but the rest of the class have benefitted.  She now loves nursery and has had her days increased so she has more time to play with her friends.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Oooh, love that idea Bulmer!


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Everyone does things differently but I disagree about leaving sharpish! We also had that advice from nursery and made that mistake and our lo got worse and worse to the point we had to stop sending him as was affecting his health and his progress with us ( We have since had lots of good advice from those experienced and professionals to prepare our son when he starts at school. Lo has only been home with you 8 months which isn't long at all, the transition to nursery is upsetting in normal circumstances but for our children even more so. Lo needs lots of reassurance that Mummy will be back, perhaps he could take something of yours into nursery with him, a scarf that smells of you or something like that. Also you could have keyrings made up with your picture in and one of his picture for you so he knows you are also thinking of him when you are not together. Also if you are good at crafy things you could make a book with pictures in of home, nursery and pics of you and family so it tells a story and helps him with this transition. It can be used at home and at nursery when he is feeling upset. The advice I was given was to stay with our son at nursery for as long as he needed and gradually increasing the time that we left him there. It's also important that they have one key worker there that they know is there safe base, someone to go to so they don't feel lost so again work on that to. Just my thoughts but like I say we all do things differently but what works for children with secure attachments doesn't for children who don't,  there reactions can be very different.


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks watakerfuffle, we've been working on this over the last few weeks with the nursery and a few props.  LO has a laminated photo of us and a big metal key ring with a key to our back door, which we use when going to nursery to lock and open up.
Thankfully I only did a sharp exit the once, which was bad enough! But since then, I stay until he goes to his key work, then I say good bye and have kisses, then they go to the window, where we wave and blow kisses, which we catch and plant on our lips, this seems to have really helped, he actually walked into nursery and I saw him smile when waving to me, I floated out of there that day! He's also stopped asking for his dummy as we get closer to the nursery and only asks when he's going for his sleeps.
We're just stretching the timing now, he was leaving after lunch, but now stays for his nap, then I pick him up.  I turned up a bit early one day this week, he didn't see me, but he was busy playing with cars and a track and for a split second he was actually torn over mummy or cars  
I've also now negotiated with work, so will only be working 4 days, DH is able to take a day off if he works a Saturday morning, so LO will only go to nursery for 3 days now, which I feel much more comfortable with, and I'm hoping to really push it with work and work from home one day a week  
I've also found that when he asks if I'm going to work, I'm honest and say yes, he then says "nursery?" Again I say yes, I then talk about all the things he will do, and a verbal time time, "play, snack, nappy change, lunch, sleeps, nappy change, play then mummy coming to pick you up". He seems to process this, then carry on doing whatever he was doing before, this seems to have helped in the build up to getting ready and into the car.
Is your LO still in nursery or at school now, how do you feel they've settled?


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Glad to see things are going well, you must be so relieved! Two weeks and counting until our little man starts nursery. We're currently in the middle of separation anxiety coupled with stranger anxiety... Dreading it but needs must and I think for him it's a cruel to be kind situation long term. Whats happening now is not good. I had none of this with my daughter really, she was fairly typical. And this is my birth child. You never can tell, each child is so very different. Anyway, like I said I'm glad you've found a system that works for you. It's trial and error sometimes isn't it. Great news about reducing days, long weekends are the best  xx


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

That's great mouseycat, really pleased to hear he is settling. Must be such a relief for you ) And he has an understanding mummy who gets him and has really helped him settle.

Unfortunately my son is very reactive when he is stressed and takes it out on the other children, he is a lovely boy and theirs no intentional nastiness behind it but his behavior can be read the wrong way if you don't get what's going on behind it! So we decided to let him chill at home another year and although he is a summer born he has been allowed to start school in reception a year later so all good )


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## Mouseycat (Oct 25, 2011)

Lolly, not long now for your LO to start of nursery, will he being doing any settling in sessions at all?  We had his first birthday party at the weekend for a little boy from his nursery, he was a bit confused at first to see some of the children outside nursery but they went on to have great fun on the bouncy castle.  LO key work said that the children were talking about the party on Monday morning and LO joined in !
We're going to start extending his day from next week, however we've postponed going to 3 days for a few more weeks, then we'll start having daddy drop him off with me picking him up, as that will be the routine once I'm back at work.  I am so pleased that he'll only be in nursery for 3 days a week now, and with unused leave form this year, I'm hoping to reduce that as well for the first 6 months.
Watakerfuffle, that's great news on getting his reception deferred a year, my LO is summer born as well, so this is something we've been discussing, did you have to push for him to be deferred?


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