# No Support from the In Laws!!!



## Lollie2501 (May 9, 2011)

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place so apologies if not.

I'm having to gets lots off my chest by posting here and also looking for advice on how to deal with everything.

We are suffering from Secondary Infertility after having DS in 2008. We started ttc when he was 10 months old and went on to have 2 missed miscarriages.

My MIL especially has never been understanding or supportive in the slightest! Unless it's about her she just not interested!

When we suffered our 2 miscarriages we pretty much kept them to ourselves (apart from my Mum and a close friend) until my OH's SIL announced she was pregnant 2 weeks after our second m/c. I found it really hard to cope with so thought I'd share what we had been through with my MIL as I wanted her to know and understand how I was feeling if I seemed a bit distant to the family since the announcement.

When I told her I explained how devastated we were (and still are) and that its made things especially harder since the pregnancy announcement! I said to her that I knew I would find it hard to deal with even when the baby was born as baby was due not long after ours would of been! She went on to tell me that she had had a miscarriage and that it didn't bother her and that I look into things too much and shouldn't let it bother me!

I was totally shocked to say the least and after that found it hard to even see her let alone my OH's pregnant SIL. All I was after was some compassion, understanding and support!!!

My SIL then went onto starve herself as she didn't want to get fat during her pregnancy! She was only young and very immature and said she didn't want to be fat or have stretch marks after the birth! Due to lack of eating she ended up being admitted into hospital on a drip! Once my OH's SIL was released from hospital she came to me for sympathy to which I said to her 'you really should eat as fat can be lost but a lost baby can't be brought back!'. That is literally all I said! She didn't and still doesn't have any sort of eating disorder otherwise I might of been a bit more sympathetic. Well, she hasn't spoken to me since and my MIL has allowed this. She didn't understand that I was still grieving for the babies I lost and would of given anything to be in her shoes! 

After not being able to get pregnant again after our losses we went for tests! Thankfully all was well with me but tests came back that DP has azoospermia and we would need SSR along with ICSI. 

It came as a complete shock to both of us since we managed to conceive 3 times before! 

We got this news around our Niece's first birthday which made it even harder as it brought back a lot of pain from our previous losses as well as the heartache we were facing after our news.

That was a year ago and we started to cope better and look forward to starting treatment although I find a lot hard still as only really FF's would understand.

A couple of months ago we went out for a meal with my MIL and FIL and my MIL kept showing me babies pictures all the time and literally shoving them in my face! I guessed then that one of my OH's SIL's were pregnant and that MIL was simply testing the water for a reaction so I just said the baby was sweet (which of course she was) but made it clear that I'd had enough by slowly showing less interest! Also for weeks previous my MIL had been avoiding me and I didn't know why, so her then doing this made me realise why; although I didn't say anything at the time.

Well, a couple of weeks after that we heard through the grapevine that my OH's SIL (they are very young teenage parents) was pregnant with her second baby. This was then confirmed by a ** announcement. 

I hope no one thinks I'm being silly but I felt so hurt that my MIL had known for ages and instead of thoughtfully sitting me down and saying 'I know you have been going through a tough time but ****** is pregnant and wanted to tell you so you didn't find out else where', that she would do this to me then think I was stupid enough not to realise what she was up to! 

After I found out the news I found it hard to face OH's SIL and my MIL. I was hurt that she would be so sneaky and cowardly not to talk to me at all! 

My OH has since tried to explain things to her and she basically said I was being pathetic and needed to grow up! She also said she had seen me out with my pregnant friend so thought I was playing on it!

Yes, I was out with my pregnant friend but she was one of the only people that knew about our previous losses so when she found out she was pregnant she arranged for us to meet and compassionately told me she was expecting and that she understood I might find it hard to be around her! She also said that she wanted me to hear it from her and not from anybody else! I admired her so much for considering how I was feeling and what I had been through and this made seeing her throughout her pregnancy much easier! I appreciate how she dealt with me and feel she was very thoughtful. It also made me realise that our friendship meant a lot to her as much as it did me. 

My friend has since had her baby and we have met a couple of times and I can honestly say she made it easier for me by being so understanding!

I have tried explaining this but am just told the usual thing that I need to grow up and get over it!! 

My MIL makes me feel like the feelings I have are wrong! Like I'm the only person to face secondary infertility to react the way I am! She's even said I'm mental! 

I would never wish what we are going through on anyone but I sometimes wish she could live a day in my life just to see how much pain we feel on a daily basis. It's hurts so bad that I can't breathe or swallow and its very hard to be forever putting on a brave face!!

I am so so grateful for my Son and realise more than ever how lucky I am to have him but I just can't switch the pain off The desire for another child just won't go away and since our losses has got even stronger and made us even more determined.

Along with the guilt I feel for wanting another child and the feelings of being mental that my MIL makes me feel, it's sending me crazy!! 

I would love to hear from others in my situation that know how I'm feeling and don't think I'm mental! My MIL is really making me feel like something is wrong with me and that I'm unnatural!

I'm really sorry for the long post. I've had a lot to get off my chest!

Babydust to all

Lollie xxxx


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

Lollie

I'm sorry to hear you've had to struggle with your MIL and also with your SIL's pregnancy.  You should not feel guilty (although i know it's a natural reaction) for feeling the way you do about your pregnancy losses and also about the difficulties you're now facing ttc.  Losing a pregnancy and having difficulty ttc are both really tough challenges and hurt so much emotionally.  I now have experience of both and it is with me with 24/7 - some days are easier some are harder.  But ultimately you need to be kind to yourself and respect the way you are feeling.  If those around you can't have the same respect and understanding then you are better off spending a bit less time with them.

Please know that you are not alone.  Before baby loss and infertility issues, i didn't mind (barely noticed !) pregnancy annoucements, birth annoucements, how many children people had etc etc.  Well, now my brain is in over drive and i feel envious of strangers in the park who have more than 1 child, i feel envious of new mums just starting out as i feel they have that optimism about babies and ttc.  

I don't have any magic answers, but the best thing you can do is to try to be nice to yourself


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## Lollie2501 (May 9, 2011)

Smurf2

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words!

I'm so sorry that you have also had to go through this pain and heartache too! I hear everything you said about birth announcements, pregnancy etc! 

It helps to know what I feel is natural though as my MIL makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world to react the way I have about what we are going through.

I'm sure though that I would of been able to deal with thing better if my In Laws were more sensitive like my friend was! She was and still is amazing and her way of dealing with things made it so much easier for me and I didn't have a problem with seeing her pregnant at all! She would talk about her pregnancy as I asked questions and I could see in her eyes that she felt bad for me and that she really cared! I just wish more people could be like that! My friend cried and cuddle me when I told her my struggles and it meant so much that as my friend she felt my pain and understood.

Since writing my earlier post I have contacted my clinic to see if they have any information they could send me to show any family members all about how we might be feeling struggling with secondary infertility and the nurse I spoke to was lovely. She advised that she thought it best that I see the counsellor, avoid contact with those that aren't compassionate and the counsellor will be able to give me information leaflets for family members to help the realise what I feel is normal and not an over reaction, that I have no control over how I feel and that all women facing this dreadful journey feel. 

I spoke to my OH and have decided that once I've seen the counsellor then I will sit down with my MIL and tell her how I feel and that its normal, not me being silly and if she doesn't like it then it's her problem not mine! She carries on as if I have stopped her seeing DS, I haven't, I've just become distant. She would never pick up the phone to see how we are if she hasn't seen us, or come round to ours! We only live a 5 minute drive. 

It was lovely to hear from you Smurf2 and if you ever need to chat or share anything you can always PM me! It great to be able to support others going through the same as me and also such a help to get support and advice too!

I wish you loads of luck on your journey and hope all your dreams come true!

BIG hugs, Lollie xxxx


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

Lollie - it sounds like you have already made some positive steps.  I saw a counsellor over the summer - just to have an independent person to talk to - and she listened, appreciated that i'd had it tough and let me feel that it was normal to feel the way i do.

Like you, i have a good friend who has been understanding and supportive this year.  She gave birth to baby no.2 a year ago - he'll be one next month - which brings home the time that i've spent between losing my preg and ttc via ivf.  She has been accepting of how i've felt and i've managed to spend time with her despite her having a bump and then having a new born.  She'd had a miscarriage before her first pregnancy so at least had some understanding of baby loss.

I love being a mum to my little boy and still hope that i may be able to have another child, but also at the same time i have to get my head around the fact that this might now be it for me.  Again, it's that appreciation for what you have fighting against wanting to have just a bit more luck and positivity on your side to make it happen just one more time.

We will probably have another full-on de ivf go next year, so my fight is still on!!

Be kind to yourself and hope to carry on chatting throughout the continuing battle  

 Smurf2x


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## Lollie2501 (May 9, 2011)

Smurf2

Its great to hear that you found counselling a good thing and as you said is a positive thing for me to do!

I need to rid of all this extra stress before we start treatment as we really don't need it!

We are both lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends. If only everyone could be the same!!

I get exactly the same about having another child. Some days I feel ready to face it head on and feel hopeful! Other days I feel grief stricken with trying to come to terms with the fact that there is still a chance we might not have another child. It really is an emotional roller coaster.

You really have a fighting spirit and think you have great strength to be going for it again next year! I really do wish you all the best with your journey and hope that next year will be the year for you!! 

Would be great to keep in touch.

BIG hugs

Lollie xxx


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