# I don't remember who I am anymore



## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Hi all,

I don't know who else to talk to. In April I got my very first BFP but miscarried ten days later, after 19 months of TTC. I was devastated, as was my husband. We got back on the IUI horse but this time, even though I had three follicles, my husband's sperm count post-wash was 2m, which is the bare minimum needed for IUI with our clinic. It failed, and it completely broke me. I broke down in front of our HR Director last week about it all and he told me I needed time off to focus on myself (turns out him and his girlfriend have gone through the exact same thing) - his actual words were lovely: "you want to have a child - of course I am going to support this". Makes me cry just thinking how wonderfully supportive that was. 

I feel a bit better for being away from work simply as it's one stress fewer. However all I can think of is Project Baby and whether it will ever come true for us. And I can't get away from this. I left ******** as everyone started to get BFPs and I felt so left out and lonely. Part of me thinks the world is conspiring against me, which I know is total BS, but I don't understand how we could have tried for so long and then our one and only BFP was taken away from us. Why us? I'm still so upset over it. 

The thing is, I want to be ok. But I don't know how to get there. I don't remember who I was before all this TTC stuff. Countless people, who are very well meaning, have advised me to do all the lovely things I can do before I have a baby. But 1) I don't know if I will have a baby and 2) I don't remember what I used to like to do. I have colouring books now, I go to yoga but they are all escapism techniques, away from infertility and miscarriage. I can't think of what I want to do. I don't want to party, I don't want to go out drinking, I don't want to lie in until 10am. I don't know what I want to do. I can't remember who I am. TTC has made me into a bitter and jealous person who I hate. People tell me to be kind to myself but I don't know how to be kind to a person who I can't stand. I used to enjoy my own company. I used to like going to cafes with a magazine but now those cafes are filled with mothers and babies, so I avoid them to protect myself. I used to like going shopping but there are so many pregnant women in the malls at the moment, so although I still go shopping, I don't enjoy it as much as I used to as I'm so tense. 

Yoga helps in the moment but then the relaxation is shortlived as I soon remember how I'm not pregnant anymore and don't know if I ever will be. I'm due to go to Spain for three weeks soon but I can't even get excited about that as I thought I was going to be five months pregnant and I can't help but tell myself that I'm no longer pregnant. 

I see a psychologist and I was making huge progress but the miscarriage set me back so many paces. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again but I don't know how.


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## Catherine-anne (Feb 24, 2015)

I really feel for you Hun. I'm sure a few ladies on here would agree, we have all felt like this at some point. My husband and I tried for 5 years then we got our miracle baby through IVF on our 2nd IVF attempt. For 5 years all I thought about was becoming a mummy. Resenting the fact all my friends seemed to be pregnant, babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. I too lost myself. My only advise is try to spend some loving time with your partner as I very nearly lost mine through that difficult road. Try to find yourself again. Yoga is a good thing. I also found some comfort in aw relaxation apps. Time out and switching my thought path off, learning to deal with my anxieties. Just when I thought we would never get to be parents, I got that BFP and we got our little miracle. I never actually fully believed it all the way through my pregnancy. I was to scared to get excited incase something took it away from me. 
Nothing worth having comes easy in life Hun. Keep fighting, keep going, your miracle will be just around the corner. Try and take some time out to get to know yourself again. Try different things, try different foods, read books, watch films, get to know what you like again and learn to love yourself. 
Don't judge yourself due to your envious thoughts of other parents. That is absolutely normal for someone in your situation. Much love and hugs Hun. Take care and good luck on your journey xxxxx


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Thank you. My problem is, I have no idea how to even start to try to find myself. I think up potential things I can do but then I lack so much motivation to do them as I just think "what's the point?" as I know that the only thing that will make me happy is to carry a baby to term. I almost wish I never had that BFP in April because it got my hopes up - I'm finding it so difficult to cope with the fact that I'm still not pregnant and I can't get it out of my mind. When I got the BFP I didn't believe it either and then ten days later, my body couldn't believe it either and flushed it away on the day of my early scan. I can't get that out of my head and I'm terrified of it happening again. 

I want to be able to find myself but I don't know how to. Everything I think of my brain just passes off as useless as it's just distractions from the void in my life. I find it really difficult to love myself as I don't even like myself for failing to keep our long awaited BFP. I feel so inadequate. 

My husband is great but sometimes I look at him and get upset because we have male factor infertility and he seems to breeze through life. He says he doesn't find it easy but he never talks to me about it. I want to know how he feels but he wonders what the point of that will be. But I also slightly resent him too because he is still drinking so much coffee every day and when it's male factor infertility, I thought he would do everything in hís power to try and up the counts. He claims he has cut back but I've been at home all day with him today (he works from home) and he has drunk four cups, even though he said he had cut back. If it were me that had the problems I would do EVERYTHING in my power to try and make things better. As it is, I'm the one injecting, I've switched to organic face creams, foundations and face wash, I've cut way back on alcohol ... and yet the person who has the problem won't give something up which may actually be having an effect on our chances. I've tried speaking with him but it always ends up in an argument. I do love him but I wish he would put as much effort in as I do. It seems like he just wants to do the deposit, then sit back, cross fingers and hope for the best. Without trying to do anything to try to improve it. I want to switch the coffee to decaff but I would never be that sneaky. 

I've not cried today but at the moment I can feel I'm right on the edge. The weather here is warming up from tomorrow which gives lots of opportunities to do things but it also means that young families will be out in their droves and that makes me want to stay inside as I am having a very hard time dealing with them at the moment and I curse myself for not holding onto our baby. I only knew I was pregnant for ten days. Why did it have to leave me? I feel so empty.


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## MrsM67 (May 15, 2015)

Hi Violeta,
I can certainly identify with a lot of what you say; I hate seeing pregnant women and women with newborns when I am out and about.

I have a very stressful job, which I felt was not helping my efforts to conceive, so I've taken an unpaid sabbatical for a few months. However I knew that doing nothing would be bad for my mental health, so I've been volunteering in a primary school. I am loving it as I love working with kids and I have a lovely work/life balance and sensible working hours. So if you are taking a while off from work it may be worth doing some volunteering? Or even if you go back to work. I've done voluntary work (with disadvantaged kids and with old people), alongside my paid job, for nearly 10 years and I have always found I get more out of it than I put in; it makes me feel good about myself to be doing something for other people and has given me a sense of purpose particularly at times when I've felt that was a bit lacking.

I think everyone experiencing difficulties trying to conceive thinks 'why me?' and I have huge sadness and anger about the whole thing. But I also know that if ultimately we can't have a baby of our own, we will adopt and have a family that way.

Re: trying to have a baby, I am no expert - we are just going through our first ICSI - but if your problem is your husband's sperm count then surely ICSI, where you only need a few individual good sperm, would be much more likely to be successful than IUI? I decided to go straight to IVF rather than try IUI first as it doesn't seem to have great success rates and at 36 I wanted to try the thing most likely to be successful. 

Sending lots of hugs.

Xxx


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

Hi Violeta

I fully identify with a lot of this. I thought it would disappear when I had a baby but it doesn't fully. Unfortunately infertility does change you, especially when you encounter loss and many cycles.

The only thing which ever helped me was a plan of action and the hope of the next cycle working, once that was in place I found it easier to do the things I enjoyed in the meantime. Have you considered ICSI rather than IUI? It has much higher success rates, especially as your issue is male factor.

Good luck x


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

It's funny you both ask about IVF/ICSI ... when we had our initial consultation with the clinic it was with a view to go pay for private IVF, as his count was so poor. However when they ran repeat tests on his count they said we had enough for a course of funded IUI and said our chances would be good so we trusted them. In the meantime we had already been referred to the waiting list for state funded IVF (here in Denmark we get three funded goes at that). We fell pregnant with our third round of IUI which was 15m sperm post-wash but I miscarried. Then the fourth round was just 2m sperm post-wash. If you look at my signature you'll see the fluctuating counts ... I have no idea what's causing it but I do know he's not giving up the coffee. I know I'm being unfair on him there because he is taking extra vitamins and has cut back on alcohol (though I have to gently remind him not to drink too much on nights when I'm not there) and I don't even know whether caffeine is still a *thing* ... I feel awful for resenting him sometimes. It's not his fault. 

We should be starting IVF in August but in the meantime we're having one last shot at IUI. It's worked before so it can work again, but I just have no idea where we'll be with regards to sperm count. I also want to be me again but even though I have a plan of action I feel so broken and feel like I'm just going through the motions. It doesn't help that I live in a different country to all of my friends so I only have my husband and his family/friends here. I have a couple of my own friends but I've only been here for just over two years so although they know about my fertility troubles I don't know if I can open up fully to them.

I used to be such a positive person but the miscarriage followed by the fourth round of failure really has managed to break me. It feels like the world wants me to give up. I don't want to give up at all, but at the moment I just want to lie on the floor and beat it with my fists for a bit.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Also, I did suggest to my husband after the miscarriage that we go for private IVF as we have the money for three goes (it's much cheaper in Denmark than the UK!) but he said no, IUI worked before so it can work again and if it doesn't work then we get free IVF. But it didn't work last time. It's both our money so we both need to agree on it. I don't think he really gets the emotional impact of daily injections. I don't really know what I want from him ... some sort of acknowledgement that I'm doing this for the greater good and I don't know, a little bit of understanding that it has a huge impact on me when it's not me who is the problem? I know that sounds so awful and I feel awful for thinking it but I can't help it. My bloods, scans and tests are all fine yet I'm dealing with daily injections which give me mood swings, bloating and regular scans which although not painful, are not the most enjoyable things in the world. He doesn't have the best sperm, yet his life goes on as normal. It doesn't feel fair and I don't feel he has really understood it. Is it really wrong of me to think that I deserve just a little bit of acknowledgement for this? I don't want to attribute blame as he doesn't feel great about the sperm thing, but every time I get emotional about the injections he gets cross with me and assumes it means I want to give up. All I want from him is some understanding and I don't feel I have that.

Thank you also for your lovely messages of support xxx


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## Catherine-anne (Feb 24, 2015)

It is a very difficult road. On my 5th ivf attempt and have felt resentful that my husband doesnt really have to do much. Through the years though I have established that he feels pretty useless because he cant take the injections. He just tends to bottle his feelings up. Maybe ur hubby is the same? 
Its normal to want to blame someone or something.  However this journey is definitely 1 where u need to stick together. My hubby is the same with the coffee. He just wont give it up but he has cut back. Its just like some reports say dont have chocolate, dont eat this, eat lots of that etc. We cant stop everything and put our lives on hold. It would drive us insane. Ad long as we are relatively healtgy. Eat a good diet n look after ourselves thats all we can do.
Do u have a fertility councillor available at your clinic? Maybe be good to speak to them regularly if u do.
Best of luck hope it all works out for you xx


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## ladybug8410 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hello Violeta, 

Just wanted to say you are not alone and so much you typed out goes through my mind on a daily basis too. I feel like I am drifting through my days rather than actually living them! Finally, summoned up courage to see my GP today to ask about couselling/psychologist service to see if it will help. I am also doing acupuncture and although it only provides about 2 hours of mental freedom from this nightmare of infertility, at least it is something. 

About DH, mine is similar to yours in that, all this started due to male factor. I have had to bite my tongue so many times when I think of all the changes I have made throughout this journey and he seems to just get through life as if nothing has changed. I do think however , men are so differently wired to us and as calm/disinterested they may seem on the outside, they could be feeling something different inside. And like what other people have already said, the worst thing would be for your relationship to start to struggle. I don't have any answers to how to do this but I guess worth thinking about.

I hope you find yourself in a better place soon and even more, you get a BFP that sticks. Take care.

x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hugs. Sometimes it is a long road.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Thanks all. Our relationship has been through the mill with regards to this but especially after the miscarriage. We had a huge fight yesterday which was triggered by something small and he told me that me being off from work means I am weak and can't handle anything. I cried so much and said that he doesn't know how it feels to have miscarried and then asked if I should be over it by now, to which he didn't have an answer. He later apologised and said he didn't mean it but the words have stuck with me. I said some stuff I didn't mean as well so we've forgiven each other but I want to stop this, it's happened too many times. He NEVER tells me how he feels about anything and keeps it all inside so when we argue it all comes bubbling out. I have told him one million times that we need to talk to each other openly and honestly about how we feel and I do that, but 1) he gets sick and (I quote) "bored" of listening to me talk about the same things and 2) he just won't do it, but then feels it's ok to pull out the "I'm hurting too you know" card when it suits him. But I don't know how he's hurting or how much. He's stubborn and refuses help. I have suggested couples counselling regarding the miscarriage but he refuses and I can't keep suggesting it as he'll explode at me and storm out. When we're happy we're really happy but at the moment our arguments aren't just little squabbles, they are triggered by tiny things and then build up into a huge argument where we tear emotional lumps out of each other. I don't know what to do and I'm sick of being made to feel how it's my fault. 

He said that I can't keep looking at pregnant women and feel jealous but how do I control that? Even my best friend (who hasn't started TTC) said I need to embrace pregnant women, embrace pregnant friends and count myself lucky because "some people live their lives lonely", to which I replied that I realised that, but the miscarriage was a huge deal for me. It's impossible to understand if you haven't been through it yourself, I know, but it just seemed insensitive. I'm trying to look at pregnant women and think "that'll be me soon" rather than "why isn't that me?" - but I tried that last summer, thinking that in a year's time I would be in a different position but I'm not. I hate this so much. I want to be better.

Yesterday I felt ok, after the argument anyway, but today after seeing three pregnant women on the five minute walk home from the gym, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. But I have to go and have my scan where I can see my empty womb on the screen. I don't know why it's affecting me that much, I should be used to this by now. My husband's right though - I am weak. It's only been two years in September for us, if it goes on any longer I don't know if I will be able to handle it.


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